vvit without money . actus . scaena . . enter vncle and merchant . merchant , when saw you valentine ?
vncle not since the horsrace , he 's taken up with those that wooe the widdow .
mer. how can he live by snatches from such people , he bore a worthy minde .
vncle. alas , he 's sunk , his means are gone , he wants , and which is worse , takes a delight in doing so . mer. that 's strange .
vnc. runs lunaticke , if you but talk of states , he cannot be brouht now he has spent his own , to think there 's inheritance , or means , but all a common riches , all men bound to be his bailiffes :
mer. this is something dangerous .
vnc. no gent. that has estate to use it in keeping house , or followers , for those wayes he cries against , for eating sins , dull surfets , cramming of serving men , mustering of beggars , maintain hospitals for kites , and curs , grounding their fat faiths upon old countrey proverbs , god bless the founders ; these he would have ventured into more manly uses . wit and carriage , and never thinks of state , or means , the ground works : holding it monstrous , men should feed their bodies , and starve their understandings .
mer. that 's most certain .
vnc. yes , if he could stay there .
mer. why let him marry , and that way rise again .
vnc. it s most impossible , he will not look with any handsomeness upon a woman .
mer. is he so strange to women .
vnc. i know not what it is , a foolish glory he he has got , i know not where , to balk those benefits , and and yet he will converse and flatter um , make um , or fair , or foul , rugged , or smooth , as his impression serves , for he affirms , they are only lumps , and undigested peeces , lickt over to a form , by our affections , and then they show ; the lovers let um pass .
enter fount . bella. hair. mer. he might be one , he carries as much promise ; they are wondrous merry .
vnc. o their hopes are high sir.
fount . is valentine come to town .
bella. last night i heard ,
fou. we miss him mounstrously in our directions , for this widdow , is as stately , and as crafty , and stands i warrant you .
hair. let her stand sure , she falls before us else , come le ts go seek valentine .
mer. this widdow seems a gallant :
vnc. a goodly woman , and to her handsomness she bears her state , reserved , and great fortune has made her mistress of a full means , and well she knows to use it .
mer. i would valentine had her .
vnc. ther 's no hope of that sir.
mer. a that condition , he had his morgage in again .
vnc. i would he had .
mer. seek means , and see what i le do , howevr let the money be paid in , i never sought a gentlemans undoing , nor cat the bread of other mens vexations , you told me of another brother :
vnc. yes sir , more miserable then he , for he has eat him , and drunk him up , a handsom gentleman , and fine schollar .
enter three tenants . mer. what are these ?
vnc. the tenants , they le do what they can ,
mer. it is well prepared , be earnest honest friends and loud upon him , he is deaf to his own good .
lance. we mean to tell him part of our minds an t pleas you .
mer. doe , and do it home , and in what my care may help , or my perswasions when we meet next .
vnc. do but perswade him fairly ; and for your money , mine , and these mens thanks too , and what we can be able :
mer. y' are most honest , you shall find me no less , and so i leave you , prosper your business my friends .
exit . mer. vnc. pray heaven it may sir ;
lance. nay if he will be mad , i le be mad with him , and tell him that i le not spare him , his father kept good meat , good drink , good fellowes , good hawks , good hounds , and bid his neighbours welcome ; kept him too , and supplied his prodigality , yet kept his state still , must we turn tenants now , after we have lived under the race of gentry , and maintained good yeomantry , to some of the city , to a great shoulder of mutton , and a custard , and have our state turned into cabbidge gardens , must it be so :
vnc. you must be milder to him .
lance. that 's as he makes his game :
vnc. intreat him lovingly , and make him feel :
lance. i le pinch him to the bones else .
valen. within . and tell the gentleman , i le be with him presently , say i want money too , i must not fail boy .
lance. you 'l want clothes , i hope .
enter valentine . val. bid the young courtier repair to me anon , i le read to him .
vac . he comes , be diligent , but not too rugged , start him , but afright him not .
val. phew , are you there ?
unc. we come to see you nephew , be not angry .
val. why do you dog me t�us , with these strange people ? why all the world shall never m�ke me rich more , nor master of these troubles .
tenants . we beseech you for our poor childrens sake .
val. vvho bid you get um : have you not threshing work enough , but children must be bang'd out o th' sheafe too , other men with all their delicates , and healthfull diets , can get but winde eggs : you with a clove of garlick , a piece of cheese , would break a saw ; and sowre milk , can mount like stallions , and i must maintain these tumblers .
lance. you ought to maintain us , we have maintained you , and when you slept provided for you ; who bought the silk you wear , i think our labours ; reckon , you le finde it so : who found your horses perpetuall pots of ale , maintain'd your taverns , and who extold you in the half crown boxes , where you might sit and muster all the beauties , we had no hand in these ; no , we are all puppies : your tenants base vexations .
val. very well , sir.
lance. had you land , sir , and honest men to serve your purposes , honest and faithfull , and will you run away from um , betray your self , and your poor tribe to misery ; morgage all us , like old cloaks ; where will you hunt next , you had a thousand acres , fair and open : the kings bench is enclosed , there 's no good riding , the counter is full of thorns and brakes , take heed sir , and bogges , you 'l quickly finde what broth they 're made of .
val. y' are short and pithy .
lance. they say y' are a fine gentleman , & excelient judgement ; they report you have a wit ; keep your self out o th' ram , and take your cloak with you , which by interpretation is your state sir , or i shall think your fame belied you , you have money , and may have means .
val. i prethee leave prating , does my good lye within thy braine to further , or my undoing in thy pity : goe , goe , get you home , there whistle to your horses , and let them edifie ; away , sow hempe , to hang your selves withall , what am i to you or you to me ; am i your landlord , puppies ?
vnc. this is uncivil .
val. more unmercifull you : to vex me with these bacon broth and puddings , they are the walking shapes of all my sorrowes .
tenants . your fathers vvorship would have used us better .
val. my fathers worship was a fool .
lanc. hey , hey boyes , old valentine ifaith , the old boy still .
vnc. fie cosen .
val. i meane besotted to his state , he had never left me the misery of so much meanes else , which till i sold , was a meere meagrome to me : if you will talk , turne out these tenants , they are as killing to my nature uncle , as water to a feaver .
lance. vve will go , but it is like rams , to come again the stronger , and you shall keep your state :
val. thou lyest , i will not .
lance. sweet sir , thou lyest , thou shalt , and so good morrow .
exeunt tenants . val. this was my man , and of a noble breeding , now to your businesse uncle .
unc. to your state then .
val. t is gone , and i am glad on 't , name it no more , t is that i pray against , and heaven has heard me , i tell you sir , i am more fearful of it , i mean of thinking of more lands , or livings , than sickly men are travelling a sundayes , for being quell'd with carriers , out upon 't , caveat emptor , let the fool out-sweat it , that thinks he has got a catch on 't .
unc. this is madnesse to be a wilfull begger .
val. i am mad then , and so i mean to be , will that content you ? how bravely now i live , how jocund , how neare the first inheritance , without feares , how free from title-troubles .
unc. and from means too .
val. meanes , why all good men's my meanes ; my wit 's my plow , the town 's my stock , taverns my standing-house , and all the world knows there 's no want ; all gentlemen that love society , love me ; all purses that wit and pleasure opens , are my tennants ; every mans clothes fit me , the next fair lodging , is but my next remove , and when i please to be more eminent , and take the air , a peece , is levied , and a coach prepared , and i go i care not whether , what need state here .
vnc. but say these means were honest , will they last sir.
val. far longer then your jerkin , and wear fairer should i take ought of you , t is true , i beg'd now , or which is worse then that , i stole a kindness , and which is worst of all , i lost my way i' nt , your mindes enclosed nothing lies open nobly , your very thoughts are hindes that work on nothing but daily sweat , and trouble : were my way so full of dirt as this , t is true i shifted ; are my acquaintance grasiers : but sir , know no man that i am allied too , in my living , but makes it equal , whether his own use , or my necessity pull first , nor is this forc'd , but the meer quality and poysure of goodness , and do you think i venture nothing equal .
vnc. you pose me cosen .
val. what 's my knowledge vncle , i st not worth money , what 's my understanding , travel , reading , wit , all these digested , my daily making men , some to speak , that too much flegme had frozen up , some that spoke too much , to hold their peace , and put their tongues to pensious , some to wear their cloths , and some to keep um , these are nothing vncle ; besides these wayes , to teach the way of nature , a manly love , community to all that are deservers , not examining how much , or what 's done for them , t is wicked , and such a one like you , chewes his thoughts doule , making um onely food for his repentance .
enter two servants . . ser. this cloak and hat sir , and my masters love .
val. commend's to thy master , and take that , and leave um at my lodging .
. i shall do it sir.
val. i do not think of these things :
. ser. please you sir , i have gold here for you .
val. give it me , drink that and commend me to thy master ; look you vncle , do i beg these :
vnc. no sure t is your worth sir.
val. t is like enough , but pray satisfie me , are not these wayes as honest as persecuting the starved inheritance , with musty corne , the very rats were sain to run away from , or selling rotten wood by the pound , like spices , which gentlemen do after burn by t'h ounces , do not i know your way of seeding beasts , with graines , and windy stuff , to blow up butchers , your racking pastures , that have eaten up as many singing shepherds , and their issues ; as andeluria breeds ; these are authentique , i tell you sir , i would not change wayes with you , unless it were to sell your state that hour , and if it were possible to spend it then too , for all your beans in rumnillo , now you know me .
vnc. i would you knew your self , but since you are grown such a strange enemy , to all that fits you , give me leave to make your brothers fortune .
val. how ?
vnc. from your morgage , which yet you may recover , i le the means .
val. pray save your labour sir , my brother and my self , will run one fortune , and i think what i hold a meer vexation , cannot be safe for him , i love him better , he has wit at will , the world has means , he shall live without this trick of state , we are heirs both , and all the world before us .
vnc. my last offer , and then i am gone .
val. what i' st , and then i le answer .
vnc. what think you of a wife yet to restore you , and tell me seriously without these trifles .
val. and you can finde one , that can please my fancy , you shall not find me stubborn .
vnc. speak your woman .
val. one without eyes , that is self commendations , for when they finde they are handsome , they are unvvholsome , one without eares , not giving time to flatterers , for she that hears her self commended , wavers , and points men out a way to make um wicked ; one without substance of her self , that woman without the pleasure of her life , that 's wanton , though she be young , forgetting it , though fair making her glass the eyes of honest men , not her own admiration , all her ends obedience all her hours new blessings , if there may be such a woman :
vuc. yes there may be .
val. and without state too .
vnc. you are disposed to trifle , well , fare you well sir , when you want me next , you 'l seek me out a better sence .
val. fare well vncle , and as you love your estate , let not me hear on t .
exit . vnc. it shall not trouble yo , i le watch him still , and when his friends fall off : then bend his will. exit . enter isabella , and luce. luce. i know the cause of all this sadness now , your fister has ingrost all the brave lovers .
isab. she has wherewithall , much good may 't do her , prethee speak softly , we are open to mens ears :
luce. fear not , we are safe , we may see all that pass , hear all , and make our selves merry with their language , and yet stand undiscovered , be not melancholly , you are as fair as she .
isab. who i , i thank you , i am as haste ordain'd me , a thing slubberd , my sister is a goodly portly lady , a woman of a presence , she spread sattens , as the kings ships do canvas , every where she may spare me her misen , and her bonnets , strike her main patticoate , and yet outsail me , i am a carvel to her .
luce. but a tight one :
isab. she is excellent , well built too .
luce. and yet shee s old .
isab. shee never saw above one voyage luce , and credit me after another , her hull will serve again , a right good merchant : she plaies , and sings too , dances and discourtes , comes very neer essays , a pretty poet , begins to piddle with phylosophie , a subtil chimicke wench , and can extract , the spirit of mens estates , she has the light before her , and cannot miss her choice , for me t is reason , i wait my mean fortune .
luce. you are so bashfull .
isab. it is not at first word up and ride , thou art cosen'd , that would shew mad i faith , besides , we lose the main part of our polliticke government , if we become provokers , then we are fair , and fit for mens imbraces , when like towns , they lie before us ages , yet not carried , hold out their strongest batteries , then compound too without the loss of honour , and march off with our fair wedding : colours flying , who are these ?
enter franc. and lance. luce. i know not , nor i care not .
isa. prethee peace then , a well built gentleman .
luce. but poorly thatcht .
lance. has he devoured you too ?
fran. has gulp'd me down lance.
lance. left you no means to study ?
franc. not a farching : dispatcht my poor annuity i thank him , here 's all the hope i have left , one bare ten shillings .
lan. you are fit for great mens services .
fran. i am fit , but who 'le take me , thus mens miseries are now accounted stains in their natures , i have travelled , and i have studied long , observed all kingdoms , know all the promises of art and manners , yet that i am not bold , nor cannot flatter , i shall not thrive , all these are but vain studies , art thou so rich as to get me a lodging lance ?
lan. i le sell the titles of my house else , my horse , my hawk , nay's death i le pawn my wife : oh mr. francis , that i should see your fathers house fall thus .
isab. an honest fellow .
lan. your fathers house , that fed me , that bred up all my ( name .
isab. a gratefull fellow .
lan. and fall by .
fran. peace , i know you are angry lance , but i must not hear with whom , he is my brother , and though you hold him slight , my most dear brother : a gentleman excepting some few rubs , he were too excellent to live here else , fraughted as deep with noble and brave parts , the issues of a noble and manly spirit as any he a live , i must not hear you , though i am miserable , and ha made me so , yet still he is my brother , still i love him , and to that tye of blood linke my affections .
jsab. a noble nature , dost thou know him luce ?
luce. no mistress .
isab. thou shouldest ever know such good men , what a fair body and mind , are married ; did he not say he wanted .
luce. what 's that to you ?
isab. t is true , but t is great pity .
luce. how she changes , ten thousand more than he , as handsom men too .
isab. t is like enough ; but as i live , this gentleman among ten thousand thousand , is there no kowing him ; why should he want ? fellowes of no merit , slight and puft solus , that walk like shadowes , by leaving no print of what they are , or poise , let them complain .
luce. her colour changes strangly .
isab. this man was made , to mark his wants to waken us , alas poor gentleman , but will that keep him from cold and hunger , beleeve me he is well bred , and cannot be but of a noble linnage , mark him , mark him well .
luce. ' is a handsome man.
isab. the sweetness of his suffrance sets him off , o luce ; but whether go i.
luce. you cannot hide it .
isab. i would he had what i can spare .
luce. t is charitable .
lance come sir , i le see you lodg'd , you have tied my tongue fast , i le steal before you want , t is but a hanging .
isab. that 's a good fellow too , an honest fellow , why , this would move a stone , i must needs know ; but that some other time .
exit lance , and frank. luce is the winde there ? that makes for me .
isab. come , i forgot a business .
actus . scaena . enter widow and luce. wid. my sister , and a woman of so base a pity , what was the fellow ?
luce. why an ordinary man , madam .
wid. poor ?
luce. poor enough , and no man knowes from whence neither .
wid. what could she see ?
luce. onely his misery , for else she might behold a hundred handsomer .
wid. did she change much ?
luce. extreamly , when he spoke , and then her pity , like an orator , i fear her love framed such a commendation , and followed it so far , as made me wonder .
wid. is she so hot , or such a want of lovers , that she must doat upon afflictions : why does she not go romage all the prisons , and there bestow her youth , bewray her wantonnesse , and flie her honour , common both to beggery : did she speak to him ?
luce. no , he saw us not , but ever since , she hath been mainly troubled .
wid. was he young ?
luce. yes , young enough .
wid. and looked he like a gentleman ?
luce. like such a gentleman , that would pawn ten oaths for twelve pence .
wid. my sister , and sink basely ; this must not be , does she use means to know him ?
luce. yes madam , and has employed a squire called shorthose .
wid. o that 's a precious knave , keep all this private , but still be neer her lodging ; luce , what you can gather by any means , let me understand ; i le stop her heat , and turn her charity another way , to blesse her selfe first , be stil close to her counsels ; a begger and a stranger , there 's a blessednesse , i le none of that ; i have a toy yet , sister , shall tell you this is foule , and make you finde it , and for your paines take you the last go wne i wore ; this makes me mad , but i shall force a remedy .
enter fountaine , bellamore , harebraine , valentine . fount . sirra , we have so lookt for thee , and long'd for thee ; this widow is the strangest thing , the stateliest , and stands so much upon her excellencies .
bell. she hath put us off , this moneth now , for an answer .
hare . no man must visit her , nor look upon her , no , not say , good morrow , nor good even , till that 's past .
val. she has found what dough-you are made of , and so kneads you : are you good at nothing , but these after-games ? i have told you often enough what things they are , what precious things , these widows � �
hare . if we had um .
val. why the devil has not craft enough to wooe um , there be three kinds of fools , mark this note gentlemen , mark it , and understand it .
fount . well , go forward .
val. an innocent , a knave fool ; a fool politick : the last of which are lovers , widow lovers .
bell. vvill you allow no fortune ?
val. no such blind one .
fount . vve gave you reasons , why t was needful for us .
val. as you are those fools , i did allow those reasons , but as my schollars and companions damn'd um : do you know what it is to wooe a widow ? answer me coolely now , and understandingly .
hare . vvhy to lie with her , and to enjoy her wealth .
val. vvhy there you are fools still , crafty to catch your selves , pure politick fools , i lookt for such an answer ; once more hear me , it is to wed a widow , to be doubted mainly , whether the state you have be yours or no , or those old boots you ride in . mark me , widowes are long extents in law upon newes , livings upon their bodies winding-sheets , they that enjoy um , lie but with dead mens monuments , and be get onely their owne ill epitaphs : is not this plain now ?
bell. plain spoken .
val. and plain truth , but if you 'le needs do things of danger , do but loose your selves , not any part concerns your understandings , for then you are meacocks , fools , and miserable , march off amain , within an inch of a fircug , turn me o th' toe like a vveather-cock , kill every day a sergeant for a twelve moneth , rob the exchequer , and burn all the rolls , and these will make a shew .
hare . and these are trifles .
val. considered to a vvidow , empty nothings , for here you venture but your persons , there the varnish of your persons , your discretions ; why t is a monstrous thing to marry at all , especially as now t is made , me thinks a man , an understanding man , is more wise to me , and of a nobler tie , than all these trinkets , what do we get by women , but our senses , which is the rankest part about us satisfied , and when that 's done , what are we ? crest fallen cowards . vvhat benefit can children be , but charges and disobedience ? vvhat 's the love they render at one and twenty years ? i pray die father : when they are young , they are like bells rung backwards , nothing but noise and giddinesse ; and come to years once , there drops a son , by th' sword in his mistresses quarrell , a great joy to his parents : a daughter ripe too , growes high and lusty in her blood , must have a heating , runs away with a supple ham'd servingman : his twenty nobles spent , takes to a trade , and learns to spin mens hair off ; there 's another , and most are of this nature , will you marry ?
fount . for my part yes , for any doubt i feel yet .
val. and this same vvidow ?
fount . if i may , and me thinks , however you are pleased to dispute these dangers , such a warm match , and for you , sir , were not hurtfull .
val. not half so killing as for you , for me she cannot with all the art she has , make me more miserable , or much more fortunate , i have no state left , a benefit that none of you can brag of , and there 's the antidote against a vvidow , nothing to lose , but that my soul inherits , which she can neither law nor claw away to that , but little flesh , it were too much else ; and that unwholsom too , it were too rich else ; and to all this contempt of what she do's i can laugh at her tears , neglect her angers , hear her without a faith , so pity her as if she were a traytour , moane her person , but deadly hate her pride ; if you could do these , and had but this discretion , and like fortune , it were but an equal venture .
fount . this is malice .
val. when she lies with your land , and nor with you , growes great with joyntures , and is brought to bed with all the state you have , you 'le find this certain ; but is it come to passe you must marry , is there no buffe will hold you ?
bel. grant it be so .
val. then chuse the tamer evil , take a maid , a maid not worth a penny ; make her yours , knead her , and mould her yours , a maid worth nothing , there 's a vertuous spell in that word nothing ; a maid makes conscience of half a crown a week for pies and puppits , a maid will be content with one coach and two horses , not falling out because they are not matches ; with one man satisfied , with one rein guided , with one faith , one content , one bed , aged she makes the wise , preserves the same and issue ; a widow is a christmas-box that sweeps all .
fount . yet all this cannot sink us .
val. you are my friends , and all my loving friends , i spend your money , yet i deserve it too , you are my friends still , i ride your horses , when i want i sell um ; i eat your meat , help to wear her linnen , sometimes i make you drunk , and then you seal , for which i le do you this commodity , be ruled , and let me try her , i will discover her , the truth is , i will never leave to trouble her , till i see through her , then if i find her worthy .
hare . this was our meaning valentine .
val. 't is done then , i must want nothing .
hare . nothing but the woman .
vnl. no jealousie , for when i marry , the devil must be wiser than i take him ; aud the flesh foolisher , come let 's to dinner , and when i am well whetted with wine , have at her .
exeunt . enter isabella and luce. isab. but art thou sure .
luce. no surer then i heard .
hare . that it was that flouting fellowes brother .
luce. yes , shorthose told me so . he did searce out the truth . lece . it seems he did .
har. prethe lu call him hether , if he be no worse , i never repent my pity , now sirra , what was he we sent you after , the gentleman i th black .
enter shorthose . shrot. i th torn black .
isa. yes , the same fir .
short. what would your worship with him .
isa. why , my worship would know his name , and what he is .
short. ' is nothing , he is a man , and yet he is no man.
isa. you must needs play the fool :
short. t is my profession .
isa. how is he a man , and no man.
short. hee s a begger , only the signe of a man , the bush puld down , which showes the house stands emptie .
isa. what 's his calling ?
short. they call him begger :
isa. what 's his kindred :
short. beggers .
isa. his worth .
short. a learned begger , a poor scholler :
isab. how does he live .
short. like wormes , he eats old books .
isa. is valentine his brother .
short. his beging brother .
isa. what may his name be ?
short. orson .
isa. leave your fooling .
short. you had as good say , leave your living .
isab. once more tell me his name directly :
short. i le be hangd first , unless i heard him christned , but i can tell what foolish people call him .
isa. what ?
short francisco .
isa. where lies this learning , sir ?
short. in pauls church yard forsooth .
isa. i mean that gentleman , fool .
short. o that fool , he lies in loose sheets every where , that 's no where .
luce. you have gleand since you came to london , in the countrey , shorthose , you were an arrant fool , a dull cold coxcombe , here every tavern teaches you , the pint pot has so belaboured you with wit , your brave acquaintance that gives you ale , so fortified your mazard , that now there 's no talking to you .
isa. is much improved , a fellow , a fine discourser .
short. i hope so , i have not waited at the tail of wit , so long to be an asse .
luc. but say now , shorthose , my lady should remove into the countrey .
short. i had as lieve she should remoove to heaven , and as soon i would undertake to follow her .
luce. where no old charnico is , nor no anchoves , nor master such-a-one , to meet at the rose , and bring my lady such-a-ones chief chambermaid .
isa. no bouncing healths to this brave lad , dear shorthose , nor down o th knees to that illustrious lady .
luce. no fiddles , nor no lusty noise of drawer , carry this pottle to my father , shorthose .
isa. no playes , nor gally foistes , no strange embassadors to run and wonder at , till thou beest oyle , and then come home again , and lye both legend .
luce. say she should go .
short. if i say , i le be hangd , or if i thought she would go ?
luce. what ?
short. i would go with her .
luce. but shorthose , where thy heart is :
isab. do not fright him .
luce. by this hand mistris t is a noise , a loud one too , and from her own mouth , presently to be gone too , but why , or to what end ?
short. may not a man die first , shee 'l give him so much time .
isab. gon ot'h sudden ; thou dost but jest , she must not mock the gentlemen .
luce. shee has put them off a moneth , thy dare not see her , beleeve me mistris , what i hear i tell you .
isab. is this true wench ? gone on so short a warning , what trick is this , she never told me of it , it must not be : sirra , attend me presently , you know i have been a carefull friend unto you , attend me in the hall , and next be faithful , cry not , we shall not go .
short. her coach may crack .
enter vallentine , francisco , and lance. val. which way to live , how darest thou come to town , to ask such an idle question ?
fran. me thinks t is necessary , unless you could restore that annuitie you have tipled up in taverns :
val , where hast thou been , and how brought up francisco , that thou talkest thus out of france ? thou wert a pretty fellow , and of a hansome knowledge ; who has spoyled thee ?
lan. he that has spoil'd himself , to make him sport , and by copie , will spoil all coms neer him , buy but a glass , if you be yet so wealthy , and look there who ?
val. well said old copihold .
lan. my hearts good freehold sir , and so you 'l find it , this getleman's your brother , your hopeful brother , for there is no hope of you , use him thercafter :
val. en'e as well as i use my self , what wouldst thou have francke .
fran. can you procure me a hundred pound ?
lan. hark what he saies to you , o try your wits , they say you are excellent at it , for your land has lain long bed-rid , and unsensible .
fran. and i le forget all wrongs , you see my state , and to what wretchedness , your will has brought me ; but what it may be , by this benefit , if timely done , and like a noble brother , both you and i may feel , and to our comforts :
val. ( a hundred pound ) dost thou know what thou hast said boy ?
fran. i said a hundred pound .
val. thou hast said more , then any man can justifie beleeve it , procure a hundred pounds . i say to thee , ther 's no such sum in nature , forty shillings there may be now i th mint and that 's a treasure , i have seen five pound , but let me tell it , and t is as wonderfull , as calves with five legges , her 's five shillings francke , the harvest of five weeks , and a good crop too , take it , and pay thy first fruits , i le come down and eat it out .
fran. t is patience must meet with you sir , not love .
lanc. deal roundly , and leave these fiddle faddles :
val. leave thy prating , thou thinkest thou art a notable wise fellow , thou and thy rotten sparrow hawke ; two of the reverent .
lan. i think you are mad , or if you be not , will be , with the next moon , what would you have him do ?
val. how ?
lan. to get money first , that 's to live , you have shewed him how to want .
val. slife how do i live , why , what dull fool would ask that question , three hundred three pilds more , i and live bravely , the better half o th town , and live most gloriously , ask them what states they have , or what , annuiries , or when they pray for seasonable harvests , thou hast a handsome wit , stir into the world , francke , stir , stir , for shame , thou art a pretty schollar , ask how to live , write , write , write any thing , the worlds a fine beleeving world , write newes .
lan. dragons in sussex sir , or fiery battels seen in the air at aspurg .
val. there 's the way francke , and in the tail of these , fright me the kingdome with a sharp prognostication , that shall scowr them , dearth upon dearth , like leven taffaties , predictions of sea-breaches , wars , and want of herrings on our coast , with bloody noses .
lan. whirl-winds , that shall take off the top of grantham steeple , and clap it on poules , and after these , a lenvoy to the city for their sins .
val. probatum est , thou canst not want a pension , go switch me up a covey of young schollars , there 's twenty nobles , and two loads of coals , are not these ready wayes ? cosmography thou art deeply read in , draw me a map from the mermaid , i mean a midnight map to scape the vvatches , and such long senslesse examinations , and gentlemen shall feed thee , right good gentlemen , i cannot stay long .
lan. you have read learnedly , and would you have him follow these megera's , did you begin with ballads ?
fran. vvell , i will leave you , i see my wants are grown ridiculous , yours may be so , i will not curse you neither ; you may think , when these wanton fits are over , who bred me , and who ruined me , look to your self sir , a providence i wait on .
val. thou art passionate , hast thou been brought up with girls ?
enter shorthose with a bag . short. rest you merry , gentlemen .
val. not so merry as you suppose , sir.
short. pray stay a while , and let me take a view of you , i may put my spoon into the wrong pottage-pot else .
val. vvhy , wilt thou muster us ?
short. no , you are not he , you are a thought too handsom .
lan. vvho wouldst thou speak withall , why doest thou peep so ?
short. i am looking birds nests , i can find none in your bush beard , i would speak with you , black gentleman .
fran. vvith me , my friend ?
short. yes sure , and the best friend sir , it seems you spake withall this twelve-moneth , gentleman , there 's money for you .
val. how ?
short. there 's none for you sir , be not so brief , not a penny , law how he itches at it , stand oft , you stir my colour .
lan. take it , t is money .
short. you are too quick too , first be sure you have it , you seem to be a faulkoner , but a foolish one .
lan. take it , and say nothing .
short. you are cosen'd too , t is take it , and spend it .
fran. from whom came it , sir ?
short. such another word , and you shall have none on 't .
fran. i thank you , sir , i doubly thank you .
short. well sir , then buy you better clothes , and get your hat drest , and your laundress to wash your boots white .
fran. pray stay sir , may you not be mistaken .
short. i think i am , give me the money again , come quick , quick , quick .
fear . i would be loth to render , till i am sure it be so .
short. hark in your ear , is not your name francisco ?
fran. yes .
short. be quiet then , it may thunder a hundred times , before such stones fall : do you not need it ?
fran. yes .
short. and t is thought you have it .
fran. i think i have .
short. then hold it fast , t is not fly-blown , you may pay for the poundage , you forget your self , i have not seen a gentleman so backward , a wanting gentleman .
fran. your mercie , sir.
short. friend , you have mercie , a whole bag full of mercie , be merry with it , and be wise .
fran. i would fain , if it please you , but know .
short. it does not please me , tell over your money , and be not mad , boy .
val. you have no more such bags .
short. more such there are , sir , but few i fear for you , i have cast your water , you have wit , you need no money .
exit . lan. be not amazed , sir , t is good gold , good old gold , this is restorative , and in good time , it comes to do you good , keep it and use it , let honest fingers feel it , yours be too quick sir.
fran. he named me , and he gave it me , but from whom .
lan. let um send more , and then examine it , this can be but a preface .
fran. being a stranger , of whom can i deserve this ?
lan. sir , of any man that has but eyes , and manly understanding to find mens wants , good men are bound to do so .
val. now you see , franke , there are more wayes than certainties , now you beleeve : what plow brought you this harvest , what sale of timber , coals , or what annuities ? these feed no hinds , nor wait the expectation of quarter dayes , you see it showers into you , you are an asse , he plodding , and lie fooling , about this blazing starr , and that bepeep , whyning , and fasting , to finde the naturall reason why a dog turns twice about befoae he lie down , what use of these , or what joy in annuities , where every man 's thy study , and thy tennant , i am ashamed on thee :
lan. yes i have seen this fellow , there 's a wealthy widdow hard by .
val. yes marry is there .
lan. i think hee s her servant , or i am couzned else , i am sure on t .
fran. i am glad on t .
lan. she 's a good woman .
fran. i am gladder :
lan. and young enough beleeve .
fran. i am gladder of all sir.
val. francke , you shall lye with me soon .
fran. i thank my money :
lan. his money shall lie with me , three in a bed sir will be too much this weather . ( things � �
val. meet me at the mermaid , and thou shalt see what
lan. trust to your self sir.
exeunt fran. and vall. enter fount . bella. and valentine . fount . o vallentine .
val. how now , why do you look so ?
bella. the widdowes going man.
val. why let her go man.
hare . shee s going out o th town .
val. the town 's the happier , i would they were all gone .
fount . we cannot come to speak with her .
val. not to speak to her .
bel. she will be gone within this hour , either now val.
fount . hare . now , now , now , good val.
val. i had rather march i th' mouth o th' cannon , but adiew , if she be above ground , go , away to your prayers , away i say , away , she shall be spoken withall .
exeunt . enter shorthose with one boot on , roger and humphey . rog. she will go , shorthose .
short. who can help it roger ? within raph. roger , help down with the hangings .
rog. by and by raph , i am making up o th' trunks here .
raph. shorthose .
short. vvell .
raph. vvho looks to my ladies wardrobe ? humphrey .
hum. here.
raph. down with the boxes in the gallery , and bring away the coach cushions .
short. will it not rain , no conjuring abroad , nor no devices to stop this journey .
rog. why go now , why now , why oth sudden , now what preparation , what horses have we ready , what provision laid in it'n countrey .
hum. not an egge i hope .
rog. no nor one drop of good drink boyes , ther 's the devil .
short. i hartily pray the malt be musty , and then we must come
hum. what sais the steward ? ( up again .
rog. hee 's at 's wits end , for som four hours since , out of his haste and providence , he mistook the millars mangie mare , for his own nagge .
short. and she may break his neck , and save the journey , oh london how i love thee .
hum. i have no boots nor none i le buy ( or if i had ) refuse me if i would venture my ability , before a cloak-bag , men are men
short. for my part , if i be brought , as i know it will be aimed at , to carry any durty dary cream-pot , or any gentle lady of the laundry , chambring , or wantonness behinde my gelding , with all her streamers , knapsacks , glasses , gugawes , as if i were a running flippery , i le give um leave to cut my girts , and flay me . i le not , be troubled with their dislibations , at every half miles end , i understand my self , and am resolved .
hum. to morrow night at olivers , who shall be there boys , who shall meet the wenches .
rog. the well brew'd stand of ale , we should have met at .
short. these griefs like to another tale of troy , would mollisie the hearts of barbarous people , and tom butcher weep , eneas enters , and now the towns lost .
ral. why whether run you , my lady is mad .
short. i would she were in bedlam .
ral. the carts are come , no hands to help to load um the stuff lies in the hall , the plate :
within widdow . why knaves there , where be these idle fellowes
short. shall i ride with one boot .
wid. why where i say :
rnl. away , away , it must be so .
short. o for a tickling storm , to last but ten dayes .
exeunt . actus . scaena . . enter isabella and luce. luce. by my troth mistris i did it for the best :
isab. it may be so , but luce , you have a tongue : a dish of meat in your mouth , which if it were minced luce , would do a great deal better .
luce. i protest mistress .
isa. it will be your own one time or other : walter . walter within : anon forsooth .
isa. lay my hat ready , my fan and cloak , you are so full of providence ; and walter , tuck up my little box behind the coach , and bid my maid make ready , my sweet service to your good lady mistress ; and my dog , good let the coachman carry him .
luce. but hear me .
isa. i am in love sweet luce , and you are so skilfull , that i must needs undo my self ; and hear me , let oliver pack up my glass discreetly , and see my cuiles well carried , o sweet luce , you have a tongue , and open tongues have open you know what , luce.
luce. pray you be satisfied .
isab. yes and contented too , before i leave you : ther 's a roger , which some call a butcher , i speak of certainties , i do not fish luce , nay do not stare , i have a tongue can talk too : and a green chamber luce , a back door opens to a long gallerie ; there was a night luce , do you perceive , do you perceive me yet : o do you blush luce , a friday night i saw your saint luce : for to : her box of marmaladde , all 's thine sweet roger , this i heard and kept too .
luce. en'c as you are a woman mistress .
isab. this i allow as good and physicall sometime these meetings , and for the cheering of the heart ; but luce , to have your own turn served , and to your friend to be a dogbolt .
luce. i confess it mistress .
isab. as you have made my sister jealous of me , and foolishly , and childishly pursued it , i have found out your haunt , and traced your purposes , for which mine honour suffers , your best waies must be applied to bring her back again , and seriously and suddenly , that so i may have a means to clear my self , and she a a fair opinion of me , else you peevish � �
luce. my power and prayers mistress .
isab. what 's the matter ?
enter shorthose and widdow . short. i have been with the gentleman , he has it , much good may do-him with it .
wid. come are you ready , you love so to delay time , the day growes on .
isab. i have sent for a few trifles , when those are come ; and now i know your reason .
wid. know your own honour then , about your business , see the coach ready presently , i le tell you more then ;
exit luce and shorthose . and understand it well , you must not think your sister , so tender eyed as not to see your follies , alas i know your heart , and must imagine , and truly too ; t is not your charitie can coin such sums to give away as you have done , in that you have no wisdome isabel , no nor modesty where nobler uses are at home ; i tell you , i am ashamed to finde this in your yeers , far more in your discretion , none to chuse but things for pittie , none to seal your thoughts on , but one of no abiding , of no name ; nothing to bring you to but this , cold and hunger : a jolly joynture sister , you are happy , no mony , no not ten shillings .
isa. you search neerly .
wid. i know it as i know your folly , one that know not where he shall eat his next meal , take his rest , unless it be it 'h stocks ; what kindred has he , but a more wanting brother , or what vertues .
isab. you have had rare intelligence , i see sister .
wid. or say the man had vertue , is vertue in this age a full inheritance : what joynture can he make you , plutarohs morals , or so much penny rent in the small poets , this is not well , t is weak , and i grieve to know it .
isa. and this you quit the town for .
vvid. i st not time ?
isa. you are better read in my affairs than i am , that 's all i have to answer , i le go with you , and willingly , and what you think most dangerous , i le sit laugh at .
for sister t is not folly but good discretion governs our main fortunes .
vvid. i am glad to hear you say so .
isa. i am for you .
enter shorthose and humphrey with riding rods . hum. the devil cannot stay her shee 'l on t , eat an egge now , and then we must away .
short. i am gaul'd already , yet i will pray , may london wayes from henceforth be full of holes , and coaches crack their wheels , may zealous smiths so housel all our hackneys , that they may feel compunction in their feet , and tire at highgate , may it rain above all almanacks till carriars sail , and the kings fish monger ride like biko arion upon a trout to london .
hum. at s. albones , let all the ins be drunk , not an host sober to bid her worship welcome .
short. not a fiddle , but all preach't down with puritanes ; no meat but legs of beef .
hnm. no beds but wool-packs .
short. and those so crammed with warrens of starved fleas that bite like bandogs ; let mims be angry at their s , bel-swagger , and we pass in the heat on t and be beaten , beaten abominably , beaten horse and man , and all my ladies linnen sprinkled with suds and dishwater .
short. not a wheel but out of joynt .
enter roger laughing . hum. why dost thou laugh .
rog. ther 's a gentleman , and the rarest gentleman , and makes the rarest sport .
short , where , where ?
rog. within here , has made the gayest sport with tom the coachman , so tewed him up with sack that he lies lashing a but of malmsie for his mares .
short. t is very good .
rog. and talks and laughs , and sings the rarest songs , and shorthose , he has so mauld the red deer pies , made such an alms i th butterie .
short. better still .
enter vall. widdow . hum. my lady in a rage with the gentleman .
short. may he anger her into a feather .
exeunt . wid. i pray tell me , who sent you hither ? for i imagine it is not your condition you look so temperately , and like a gentleman , to ask me these milde questions .
val. do you think i use to walk of errands gentle lady , or deal with women out of dreams from others .
wid. you have not known me sure ?
val. not much .
wid. what reason have you then to be so tender of my credit , you are no kinsman ?
val. if you take it so , the honest office that i came to do you , is not so heavie but i can return it : now i perceive you are too proud , not worth my visit .
wid. pray stay , a little proud .
val. monstrous proud , i grieve to hear a woman of your value , and your abundant parts stung by the people , but now i see t is true , you look upon me as if i were a rude and saucie fellow that borrowed all my breeding from a dunghil , or such a one , as should now fall and worship you in hope of pardon : you are cozen'd lady , i came to prove opinion a loud liar , to see a woman onely great in goodness , and mistress of a greater fame then fortune , but = =
wid. you are a strange gentleman , if i were proud now , i should be monstrous angry , which i am not , and shew the effects of pride ; i should despise you , but you are welcome sir : to think well of our selves , if we deserve it , it is a luster in us , and every good we have , strives to shew gracious , what use is it else , old age like seer-trees , is seldome seen affected , stirs sometimes at rehearsal of such acts as his daring youth endeadeavour'd .
val. this is well , and now you speak to the purpose , you please me , but to be place proud :
wid. if it be our own , why are we sit here with distinction else , degrees , and orders given us ? in you men , t is held a coolnesse , if you lose your right affronts and losse of honor : streets , and walls , and upper ends of tables , had they tongues could tell what blood has followed , and what fewd about your ranks ; are we so much below you , that till you have us , are the tops of nature , to be accounted drones without a difference ? you will make us beasts indeed .
val. nay worse than this too , proud of your cloathes , they swear a mercers lucifer , a tumour tackt together by a taylour , nay yet worse , proud of red and white , a varnish that butter-milk can better .
wid. lord , how little will vex these poor blind people , if my cloathes be sometimes gay and glorious , does it follow , my minde must be my mercers too , or say my beauty please some weak eyes , must it please them to think that blowes me up , that every hour blowes off : this is an infants anger .
val. thus they say too , what though you have a coach lined through with velvet , and four fair flanders mares , why should the streets be troubled continually with you , till carmen curse you , can there be ought in this but pride of shew lady , and pride of bum-beating , till the learned lawyers with their fit bags , are thrust against the bulks till all their causes crack ? why should this lady , and t'other lady , and the third sweet lady , and madam at mile-end , be daily visited , and your poorer neighbours , with course napses neglected , fashions conferr'd about , pouncings , and paintings , and young mens bodies read on like anatomies .
wid. you are verie credulous , and somewhat desperate , to deliver this sir , to her you know not , but you shall confesse me , and find i will not start ; in us all meetings lie open to these lewd reports , and our thoughts at church , our verie meditations some will swear , which all should fear to judge , at least uncharitably , are mingled with your memories , cannot sleep ; but this sweet gentleman swims in our fancies , that scarlet man of war , and that smooth senior ; not dresse our heads without new ambushes , how to surprize that greatnesse , or that glorie ; our verie smiles are subject to constructions ; nay sir , it s come to this , we cannot pish , but t is a favour for some fool or other : should we examine you thus , wert not possible to take you without prospectives .
wid. it may be , but these excuse not .
wid. nor yours force no truth sir , what deadly tongues you have , and to those tongues what hearts , and what inventions ? ah my conscience , and 't were not for sharp justice , you would venture to aim at your own mothers , and account it glorie to say you had done so ; all you think are counsells , and cannot erre , 't is we still that shew double , giddy , or gorg'd with passion ; we that build babels for mens conclusions , we that scatter , as day does his warm light ; our killing curses over gods creatures , next to the devils malice : le ts intreat your good words .
val. well , this woman has a brave soul.
wid. are not we gaily blest then , and much beholding to you for your substance ; you may do what you list , we what beseems us , and narrowly do that too , and precisely , our names are served in else at ordinaries , and beleht abroad in taverns .
val. o most brave wench , and able to redeem an age o women .
vvid. you are no whoremasters , alas no gentlemen , it were an impudencie to think you vicious ; you are so holy , handsome ladies fright you , you are the cool things of the time , the temperance , meer emblemes of the law , and vales of vertue , you are not daily mending like dutch watches , and plastering like old walls ; they are not gentlemen , that with their secret sinnes increase our surgeons , and lie in forraine countries , for new sores ; women are all these vices ; you are not envious , false , covetous , vain-glorious , irreligious , drunken , revengefull , giddie-eyed , like parrats , eaters of others honours .
val. you are angrie .
vvid. no by my troth , and yet i could say more too , for when men make me angrie , i am miserable .
val. sure 't is a man , she could not bear it thus bravely else , it may be i am tedious .
wid. not at all sir , i am content at this time you should trouble me .
val. you are distrustfull .
vvid. where i find no truth , sir.
val. come , come , you are full of passion .
vvid. some i have , i were too neer the nature a god else .
val. you are monstrous peevish .
vvid. because they are monstrous foolish , and know not how to use that should trie me .
val. i was never answered thus , was you never drunk lady ?
vvid. no sure , not drunk sir ; yet i love good wine , as i love health and joy of heart , but temperately , why do you ask that question ?
val. for that sin that they most charge you with , is this sins servant , they say you are monstrous .
vvid. what sir , what ?
val. most strangely .
wid. it has a name sure .
val. infinitely lustfull , without all bounds , they swear you kild your husband .
wid. let us have it all for heavens sake , t is good mirth sir.
val. they say you will have four now , and those four stuck in four quarters , like four winds to cool you ; will she not cry nor curse ?
wid. on with your story .
val. and that you are forcing out of dispensations with sums of money to that purpose .
wid. four husbands , should not i be blest sir ; for example , lord , what should i do with them ? turn a malt-mill , or tithe them out like town-buls to my tenants , you come to make me angry , but you cannot .
val. i le make you merry then , you are a brave woman , and in despite of envie a right one , go thy wayes , truth thou art as good a woman , as any lord of them all can lay his leg over , i do not often commend your sex.
wid. it seems so , your commendations are so studied for .
val. i came to see you , and sift you into flour to know your purenesse , and i have found you excellent , i thank you ; continue so , and shew men how to tread , and women how to follow : get an husband , an honest man , you are a good woman , and live hedg'd in from scandall , let him be too , an understanding man , and to that steadfast ; t is pitie your fair figure should miscarry , and then you are fixt , farewell .
wid. pray stay a little , i love your company now you are so pleasant , and to my disposition set so even .
val. i can no longer .
exit . wid. as i live a fine fellow , this manly handsome bluntness , shewes him honest ; what is he , or from whence ? blesse me , four husbands , how prettily he fooled me into vices , to stir my jealousie , and find my nature ; a proper gentleman : i am not well o th' sudden , such a companion i could live and die with , his angers are meer mirth .
enter isabella . isa. come , come , i am ready .
wid. are you so ?
isa. what ails she , the coach staies , and the people , the day goes on , i am as ready now as you desire , sister : fie , who stayes now , why do you sit and pout thus .
wid. prethee be quiet , i am not well .
isab. for heave'n sake lets not ride staggering in the night , come , pray you take some sweet meats in your pocket , if your stomack �
wid. i have a little business .
isab. to abuse me , you shall not finde new dreams , and new suspitions , to horse withall .
wid. lord who made you a commander : hay ho , my heart .
isab. is the winde come thither , and coward like do you lose your colours to um , are you sick at h valentine ; sweet sister , come le ts away , the countrey will so quicken you , and we shall live so swetly : luce , my ladies cloak ; nay , you have put me into such a gog of going , i would not stay for all the world ; if i live here , you have so knocked this love into my head , that i shall love any body , and i finde my body , i know not how , so apt ; pray le ts be gonsister , i stand on thornes .
wid. i prethee isabella , i faith i have some business that concerns me , i will suspect no more , here , wear that for me , and i l'e pay the hundred pound you owe your taylor .
enter shorthose i. roger , humphrey , ralph . isab. i had rather go , but �
wid. come walk in with me , wee 'l go to cards , unsaddle the horses .
short. a jubile , a jubile , we stay boyes .
eter vncle , lan. foun . bella. harebrain following . vnc. are they behind us .
lance. close , close , speak aloud sir.
vnc. i am glad my nephew has so much discretion at length to finde his wants : did she entertain him ?
lance. most bravely , nobly , and gave him such a welcome .
vnc. for his own sake do you think .
lance. most certain sir , and in his own cause bestir'd himself too , and wan such liking from her , she dores on him , has the command of all the house already .
vnc. he deals not well with his friends .
lance. let him deal on , and be his own friend , he has most need of her .
vnc. i wonder they would put him .
lan. you are in the right on t , a man that must raise himself , i knew he would cosenum , and glad i am he has : he watched occasion , and found it i th nick .
vnc. he has deceived me .
lan. i told you howsoever he wheel'd about , he would charge home at length , how i could laugh now , to think of these tame fools .
vnc. t was not well done , because they trusted him , yet .
bel. harke you gentlemen .
vnc. we are upon a business , pray excuse us , they have it home .
lanc. come let it work good on gentlemen .
exit vncle , lance. font. t is true , he is a knave , i ever thought it .
hare . and we are fools , tame fools .
bel. come le ts go seek him , he shall be hang'd before he colt us basely .
exit . entor isabella , luce. isa. are sure she loves him .
luce. am i sure i live ? and i have clapt on such a commenmendation on your revenge .
isa. faith , he is a pretty gentleman .
luce. handsom enough , and that her eye has found out ,
isa. he talks the best they say , and yet the maddest .
luce. has the right way .
isa. how is she ?
luce. bears it well , as if she cared not , but a man may see with half an eye through all her forced behaviours , and finde who is her vallentine .
isa. come le ts go see her , i long to prosecute .
luce. by no means mistress , let her take better hold first ,
jsab. i could burst now .
exeunt . enter valentine , fountain , bellamore , harebrain . val. upbraid me with your benefits , you pilchers , you shotten , sold , slight fellowes , was 't not i that undertook you first from emptie barrells , and brought those barking mouthes that gaped like bung-holes to utter sence : where got you understanding ? who taught you manners and apt carriage to ranke your selves ? who filled you in fit taverns , were those born with your worships when yon came hither ? what brought you from the universities of moment matter to allow you , besides your small base sentences ?
bell. t is well sir.
val. long cloaks with two hand-rapiers , boot-hoses with penny-poses , and twenty fools opinions , who looked on you but piping rites that knew you would be prising , & prentises in pauls church-yard , that sented your want of brittanes books .
enter widdow , luce , harebrain . font. this cannot save you .
val. taunt my integrity you whelps .
bell. you may talk the stock we gave you out , but see no further .
hare . you tempt our patience , we have found you out , and what your trust comes to , yea'r well feathered , thank us , and think now of an honest course , t is time ; men now begin to look , and narrowly into your tumbling tricks , they are stale .
wid. is not that he ?
luce t is he .
wid. be still and mark him .
val. how miserable will these poor wretches be when i forsake um , but things have their necessities , i am sorry , to what a vomit must they turn again , now to their own dear dunghil breeding ; never hope after i cast you off , you men of motley , you most undone things below pitie , any that has a soul and sixpence dares releeve you , my name shall bar that blessing ; ther 's your cloake sir keep it close to you , it may yet preserve you a fortnight longer from the fool ; your hat , pray be covered , and ther 's the satin that your worships sent me , will serve you at a sizes yet .
fount . nay faith sir , you may ene rub these out now .
val. no such relicke , nor the least rag of such a sordid weakness shall keep me warm , these breeches are mine own , purchased , and paid for , without your compassion , a christian breeches founded in black friers , and so i le maintain um .
hare . so they seem sir.
val. only the thirteen shillings in these breeches , and the odde groat , i take it , shall be yours sir , a marke to know a knave by , pray preserve it , do not displease more , but take it presently , now help me off with my boots .
hare . we are no grooms sir.
val. for once you shall be , do it willingly , or by this hand he make you .
bell. to our own sir , we may apply our hands .
val. there 's your hangers , you may deserve a strong pair , and a grdle will hold you without buckles ; now i am perfect , and now the proudest of your worships tell me i am beholding to you .
fount . no such matter .
val. and take heed how you pitty me , t is dangerous , exceeding dangerous , to prate of pitty which are the poorer ; you are now puppies ; i without you , or you without my knowledge be reugues , and so be gone , be rouges and reply not , for if you do �
bell. only thus much , and then wee 'l leave you , the ayr is far sharper than our anger sir , and these you may reserve to rail in warmer .
hare . pray have a care sir of your health .
exit lovers . val. yes hog-hounds , more than you can have of your wits ; t is cold , and i am very sensible , extreamly cold too , yet i will not off till i have shamed these rascalls ; i have indured as ill heats as another , and every way if one could perish my body , you 'l bear the blame on t ; i am colder here , not a poor penny left .
vncle with a bag . vnc. ta's taken rarely , and now hee 's flead he will be ruled .
lance. too him , tew him , abuse him , and nip him close .
vnc. why how now cozen , sunning your self this weather ?
val. as you see sir , in a hot fit , i thank my friends .
vnc. but cozen , where are your clothes man , those are no inheritance , your scruple may compound with those i-take it , this is no fashion cosen .
val. not much followed , i must confess ; yet uncle i determine to trie what may be done next tarm .
lanc. how came you thus sir , for you are strangely moved .
val. rags , toys and trifles , fit only for those fools that first passessed um , and to those knaves , they are rendred freemen wicle , ought to appear like innocents , old adam , a fair fig-leaf sufficient .
vnc. take me with you , were these your friends , that leat'd you thus .
val. hang friends , and even recknings that make friends .
unc. i thought till now , there had been no such living , no such purchase , for all the rest is labour , as a list of honourable friends , do not such men as you sir , in lieu of all your understandings , travels , and those great gifts of nature ; aim at no more than casting off your-coats , i am strangely cosen'd .
lance. should not the towne shake at the cold you feel now , and all the gentry suffer interdiction , no more sense spoken , all things goth and vandall , till you be summed again , velvets and searlets , anointed with gold lace , and cloth of silver turned into spanish cottens for a pennance , wits blasted with your bulls , and tavernes withered , as though the term lay at st albones .
val. gentlemen , you have spoken long and level , i beseech you take breath a while and hear me ; you imagine now , by the twirling of your strings , that i am at the last , as also that my friends are flown like swallows after summer .
unc. yes sir.
val. and that i have no more in this poor pannier , to raise me up again above your rents , uncle .
unc. all this i do beleeve .
val. you have no mind to better me .
unc. yes cosen , and to that end i come , and once more offer you all that my power is master of .
val. a match then , lay me down fifty pounds there .
unc. there it is , sir.
val. and on it write , that you are pleased to give this , as due unto my merit , without caution of land redeeming , redious thanks , or thrift hereafter to be hoped for .
unc. how ?
luce layes a suit and letter at the door . val. without daring , when you are drunk , to rellish of revilings , to which you are prone in sack , uncle .
unc. i thank you , sir.
lance. come , come away , let the young wanton play a while , away i say sir , let him go forward with his naked fashion , he will seek you too morrow ; goodly weather , sultrie hot , sultrie , how i sweat .
unc. farewell , sir.
unc. farewell , sir.
exeunt vncle and lance. val. would i sweat too , i am monstrous vext , and cold too ; and these are but thin pumps to walk the streets in ; clothes i must get , this fashion will not fadge with me ; besides , 't is an ill winter wear , � what art thou ? yes , they are clothes , and rich ones , some fool has left um : and if i should utter � what 's this paper here ? let these be onely worn by the most noble and deserving gentleman valentine , � dropt out o th' clouds ; i think they are full of gold too ; well , i 'le leave my wonder , and be warm agen , in the next house i le shift . exit .
actus . scaena . i. enter francisco , uncle , and lance. fran. why do you deal thus with him ? 't is unnobly .
unc. peace cosen peace , you are too tender of him , he must be dealt thus with , he must be cured thus , the violence of his disease francisco , must not be jested with , 't is grown infectious , and now strong corrasives must cure him .
lance. has had a stinger , has eaten off his cloathes , the next his skin comes .
unc. and let it search him to the bones , t is better , t will make him feel it .
lance. where be his noble friends now ? will his fantasticall opinions cloath him , or the learned art of having nothing feed him ?
unc. it must needs greedily , for all his friends have flung him off , he is naked , and where to skinne himselfe agen , if i know , or can devise how he should get himself lodging , his spirit must be bowed , and now we have him , have him at that we hoped for .
lanc. next time we meet him cracking of nuts , with half a cloake about him , for all means are cut off , or borrowing sixpence , to shew his bounty in the pottage ordinary ?
fran. vvhich way went he ?
lance. pox , why should you ask after him , you have beene trimm'd already , let him take his fortune , he spunne it out himselfe , sir , there 's no pitie .
unc. besides some good to you now , from this miserie .
fran. i rise upon his ruines , fie , fie , uncle , fie honest lance. those gentlemen were base people , that could so soon take fire to his destruction .
unc. you are a fool , you are a fool , a young man
enter valentine . val. morrow uncle , morrow franke , sweet franke , and how , and how d ee , think now , how shew matters ? morrow bandog .
unc. how ?
fran. is this man naked , forsaken of his friends ?
val. th' art handsome , franke , a pretty gentleman , ifaith thou lookest well , and yet here may be those that look as handsome .
lan. sure he can conjure , and has the devil for his tailor .
unc. new and rich , t is most impossible he should recover .
lan. give him this luck , and fling him into the sea.
unc. 't is not he , imagination cannot work this miracle .
val. yes , yes , t is he , i will assure you uncle , the very he , the he your wisdom plaid withall , i thank you for 't , neighed at his nakednesse , and made his cold and poverty your pastime ; you see i live , and the best can do no more uncle , and though i have no state , i keep the streets still , and take my pleasure in the town , like a poor gentleman , wear clothes to keep me warm , poor things they serve me , can make a shew too if i list , yes uncle , and ring a peal in my pockets , ding dong , uncle , these are mad foolish wayes , but who can help um ?
unc. i am amazed .
lan. i le sell my copyhold , for since there are such excellent new nothings , why should i labour , is there no fairy haunts him , no rat , nor no old woman .
unc. you are valentine .
val. i think so , i cannot tell , i have been call'd so , and some say christened , why do you wonder at me , and swell , as if you had met a sergeant fasting , did you ever know desert want ? y' are fools , a little stoop there may be to allay him , he would grow too rank else , a small eclipse to shadow him , but out he must break , glowingly again , and with a great luster , look you uncle , motion and majesty .
unc. i am confounded .
fran. i am of his faith .
val. walk by his carelesse kinsman , and turn again and walk , and look thus uncle , taking some one by the hand , he loves best , leave them to the mercie of the hog-market , come franke , fortune is now my friend , let me instruct thee .
fran. good morrow uncle , i must needs go with him .
val. flay me , and turn me out where none inhabits , within two hours , i shall be thus again , now wonder on , and laugh at your own ignorance .
ex. val. and franc. unc. i do beleeve him .
lan. so do i , and heartily upon my conscience burie him stark naked , he would rise again , within two hours imbroidered : sow mustard-seeds , and they cannot come up so thick as his new sattens do , and clothes of silver , there 's no striving .
unc. let him play a while then , and let 's seatch out what hand : = =
lan. i there the game lies .
exeunt . enter fountaine , bellamore and harebraine . foun . come , let 's speak for our selves , we have lodg'd him sure enough , his nakednesse dare not peep out to crosfe us .
bel. we can have no admittance .
hare . let 's in boldly , and use our best arts , who she dains to favour we are all-content .
foun . much good may do her with him , no civil wars .
bel. by no means , now do i wonder in what old tod ivie he lies whistling for means , nor clothes he hath none , nor none will trust him , we have made that side sure , teach him a new wooing .
hare . say it is his uncles spite .
foun . it is all one gentleman , 'tas rid us of a fair incumbrance , and makes us look about to our own fortunes . who are these ?
enter isabel and luce. isa. not see this man yet , well , i shall be wiser : but luce , didit ever know a woman melt so ? she is finely hurt to hunt .
luce. peace , the three suitors .
isa. i could so titter now and laugh , i was lost luce , and i must love , i know not what ; o cupid , what pretty gins thou hast to halter woodcocks , and we must into the countrey in all haste , luce.
luce. for heavens sake , mistris .
isa. nay , i have done , i must laugh though ; but scholler , i shall teach you .
foun . 't is her sister .
bell. seve you ladies .
isa. fair met gentlemen , you are visiting my sister , i assure my self .
hare . we would fain bless our eyes .
isab. behold and welcome , you would see her :
foun . t is our business .
isa. you shall see her , and you shall talk with her .
luce. she will not see um , nor spend a word .
isa. i le make her frat a thousand , nay now i have found the sab , i will so scratch her .
luc. she cannot endure um .
isab. she loves um but too dearly , come follow me , i le bring you tot'h party gentlemen , then make your own conditions .
luce. see is sick you know .
isa. i le make her well , or kill her , and take no idle answer , you are fools then , nor stand off for her state , shee l scorn you all then , but urge her still , and though she fret , still follow her , a widdow must be won so .
bel. shee speaks bravely .
isa. i would fain have a brother in law , i love mens company , and if she call for dinner to avoid you , be sure you stay , follow her into her chamber , if she retire to pray , pray with her , and boldly , like honest lovers .
luce. this will kill her .
foun . you have shewed us one way , do but lead the tother .
isa. i know you stand a thorns , come i le dispatch you .
luce. if you live after this .
isa. i have lost my aym .
enter vallentine and francisco . fra. did you not see um since .
val. no hang um , hang um .
fran. nor will you not be seen by um :
val. let um alone francke , i le mak um their own justice , and a jerker .
fran. such base discourteous dog-whelps
val. i shal dog um , and double dog um , ere i have done .
fran. will you go with me , for i whuld fain finde out this peece of bountie , it was the widdows man that i am certain of .
val. to what end would you go .
frau. to give thanks .
val. hang giving thanks , hast not thou part deserves it , it includs to a further will to be beholding , beggees can do no more at doore , if you will go , there lies your way .
fran. i hoye� you wil go .
val. no not in ceremony , and to a woman , with mine own father , were he living franke ; i would tot'h court with bears first , if it be that wench , i think it is , for t'others wiser , i would not be so lookt upon , and laught at , so made a ladder for her wit , to climbe upon , for t is the tartest tit in christendome , i know her well francke , and have buckled with her , so licke , and �reaked , fleard upon , and flouted , and shown to chambermaids , like a strange beast , she had purchased with her penny .
fran. you are a strange man , but do you think it was a woman .
val. there 's no doubt on t , who can be there to do it else , besides the manner of the circumstances .
fran. then such courtesies , who ever dos um fit , ���ing your own wisdome , must be more lookt into , and better answered , then with deserving slights , or what we ought to have con���red upon us , men may starve else , means are not gotten now with crying out i am a gallant fellow , a good souldier , a man of learning , or fit to be employed , immediate blessings , cease like miracles , and we must grow , by second means , i pray go with me , even as you love me sir.
val. i will come to thee , but francke , i will not stay to hear your fopperies , dispatch those ere i come .
fran. you will not fail me .
val. some two hours hence expect me .
fran. i thank you , and will look for you .
exeunt enter widow , shorthose , and roger. wid. who let in these puppies , you blinde rascals , you drunken knaves several .
short. yes forsooth , i le let um in presently , � gentlemen ,
vvid. sprecious , you blown pudding , bawling rogue .
short. i bawl as loud as i can , would you have me fetch um upon my back .
wid. get um out rascall , out with um , out , i sweat to have um neer me .
short. i should sweat more to carry um out .
rog. they are gentlemen madam :
short. shall we get um intot'h butterie , and make um drink .
wid. do any thing , so i be eased .
enter isabel , fount . balla. hare . isab. now too her sir , fear nothing .
rog. slip aside bay , i know she loves um , howsoever she carries it , and has invited um , my young mistress told me so .
short. a way to tables then .
exeunt . isab. i shall burst with the sport on t .
fount . you are too curious madam , too full of preparation , we expect it not .
bella. me thinks the house is handsome , every place decent , what need you be vext ?
hare . we are no strangers .
fonnt. what though we come ere you expected us , do not we know your entertainments madam are free , and full at all times .
vvid. you are merry gentlemen .
bell. we come to be merry madam , and very merry , men love to laugh heartily , and now and then lady a little of our old plea.
wid. i am busie , and very busie too , will none deliver me ?
hare . there is a time for all , you may be busie , but when your friends come , you have as much power madam .
wid. this is a tedious torment .
foun . how hansomly this little peece of anger shewes upon her , well madam well , you know not how to grace your self .
bell. nay every thing she does breeds a new sweetness .
vvid. i must go up , i must go up , i have a business waites upon me , some wine for the gentlemen .
hare . nay , wee 'l go with you , we never saw your chambers yet .
isab. hold there boyes .
vvid. say i go to my prayers .
foun . wee 'l pray with you , and help your meditations .
wid. this is boystrous , or say i go to sleep , will you go to sleep with me .
bell. so suddenly before meat will be dangerous , we know your dinners ready lady , you will not sleep .
vvid. give me my coach , i will take the air ,
hare . wee 'l wait on you , and then your meat after a quickned stomacke .
wid. let it alone , and call my steward to me , and bid him bring his reckonings into the orchard , these unmannerly rude puppies �
exit widdow . fonn. wee le walk after you and view the pleasure of the place .
isa. let her not rest , for if you give her breath , shee 'l scorn and flout you , seem how she will , this is the way to win her , be bold and prosper .
bella. nay if we do not tire her . �
exeunt . isab. i le teach you to worm me , good lady sister , and peep into my privacies to suspect me , i le torture , you , with that you hate most daintily , and when i have done that , laugh at that you loue most .
enter luce. luce. what have you done , she chafes and fumes outragiously , and still they persecute her .
isab. long may they do so , i le teach her to declaim against my pities , why is she not gone out ot'h town , but gives ocoasion for men to run mad after her .
luc. i shall be hanged .
isa. this in me had been high treason , three at a time , and private in her orchard , i hope shee 'l cast her reckonings right now .
enter widdow . wid. well , i shall find who brought um .
isa. ha , ha , ha .
vvid. why do you laugh sister , i fear me t is your trick , t was neatly done of you , and well becomes your pleasure .
isab. what have you done with um .
vvid. lockt umith orchard , there i le make um dance and caper too , before they get their liberty , unmannerly rude puppies .
isa. they are somwhat saucy , but yet i le let um out , and once more sound um , why were they not beaten out .
wid. i was about it , but because they came as suiters .
isab. why did you not answer um .
vvid. they are so impudent they will receive none : more yet , how came these in .
enter francisco and lance. lan. at the door madam .
isab. it is that face .
luc. this is the gentleman .
wid. shee sent the money too .
luce. the same .
isa. i le leave you , they have some businesse .
wid. nay , you shall stay sister , they are strangers both to me ; how her face alters ?
isa. i am sorry he comes now .
wid. i am glad he is here now though , who would you speak with , gentlemen ?
lan. you lady , or your fair sister there , here 's a gentleman that has received a benefit .
wid. from whom , sir ?
lan. from one of you , as he supposes madam , your man delivered it .
wid. i pray go forward .
lan. and of so great a goodnesse , that he dares not , without the tender of his thanks and service , passe by the house .
wid. which is the gentleman ?
lan. this , madam .
wid. what 's your name , sir ?
fran. they that know me , call me francisco lady , one not so proud to scorn so timely a benefit , nor so wretched to hide a gratitude .
wid. it is well bestowed then .
fran. your fair self , or your sister as it seems , for what desert i dare not know , unlesse a handsome subject for your charities , or aptnesse in your noble will to do it , have showred upon my wanrs a timely bounty , which makes me rich in thanks , my best inheritance .
wid. i am sorrie 't was not mine , this is the gentlewoman , fie , do not blush , go roundly to the matter , the man is a prettie man.
isa. you have three fine ones .
fran. then to you , dear lady .
isa. i pray no more sir , if i may perswade you , your onely aptnesse to do this is recompence , and more than i expected .
fran. but good lady .
isa. and for me further to be acquainted with it , besides the imputation of vain glory , were greedy thankings of my self , i did it not to be more affected to ; i did it , and if it happened where i thought it fitted , i have my end ; more to enquire is curious in either of us , more than that suspicious :
fran. but gentle lady , 't will be necessary .
isa. about the right way nothing , do not fright it , being to pious use and tender sighted , with the blown face of complements , it blasts it , had you not come at all , but thought thanks ; it had been too much , 't was not to see your person .
wid. a brave dissembling rogue , and how she carries it .
isa. though i beleeve few handsomer ; or hear you , though i affect a good tongue well ; or trie you , though my years desire a friend , that i relieved you .
wid. a plaguie cunning quean .
isa. for so i carried it , my ends too glorious in mine eyes , and bartered the goodnesse i propounded with opinion .
wid. fear her not , sir.
isa. you cannot catch me , sister .
fran. will you both teach , and tie my tongue up ladie ?
isa. let it suffice you have it , it was never mine , whilst good men wanted it .
lan. this is a saint sure .
isa. and if you be not such a one , restore it .
fran. to commend my self , were more officious than you think my thanks are , to doubt i may be worth your gift a treason , both to mine own good and understanding , i know my mind clear , and though modestie tels me , he that intreats , intrudes ; yet i must think something , and of some season , met with your better taste , this had not been else .
wid. what ward for that , wench ?
isa. alas , it never touched me .
fran. well , gentle ladie , yours is the first money i ever took upon a forced ill manners .
isa. the last of me , if ever you use other .
fran. how may i do , and your way to be thought a gratefull taker ,
isa. spend it , and say nothing , your modestie may deserve more .
wid. o sister , will you bar thankfulnesse ?
isa. dogges dance for meat , would you have men do worse , for they can speak , crie out like vvood-mongers , good deeds by the hundreds , i did it that my best friend should not know it , wine and vain glorie does as much as i else , if you will force my merit , against my meaning , use it in well bestowing it , in shewing it came to be a benefit , and was so ; and not examining a woman did it , or to what end , in not beleeving sometimes your self , when drink and stirring conversation may ripen strange perswasions .
fran. gentle ladie , i were a base receiver of a courtesie , and you a worse disposer , were my nature unfurnished of these fore-sights , ladies honours were ever in my thoughts , unspotted crimes , their good deeds holy temples , where the incense burns not , to common eyes your fears are vertuous , and so i shall preserve um .
isa. keep but this way , and from this place to tell me so , you have paid me ; and so i wish you see all fortune .
exit . wid. fear not , the woman will be thanked , i do not doubt it , are you so craftie , carrie it so precisely , this is to wake my fears , or to abuse me , i shall look narrowly , despaire not gentlemen , there is an hour to catch a woman in , if you be wise , so , i must leave you too : now will i go laugh at my suitors ,
exit . lan. sir , what courage ?
fran. this woman is a founder , and cites statutes to all her benefits .
lan. i never knew yet , so few years and so cunning , yet beleeve me she has an itch , but how to make her confesse it , for it is a craftie tit , and playes about you will not bite home , she would fain , but she dares not ; carrie your self but so discreetly sir , that want or wantonnesse seem not to search you , and you shall see her open .
fran. i do love her , and were i rich , would give two thousand pound to wed her wit but one hour , oh t is a dragon , and such a spritely way of pleasure , ha lance.
lan. your ha lance broken once , you would crie , ho , ho , lance.
fran. some leaden landed rogue will have this wench now , when all 's done , some such youth will carrie her , and wear her greasie out like stuffe , some dunce that knowes no more but markets , and admires nothing but a long charge at sizes : o the fortunes .
enter isabel and luce. lan. comfort your self .
luce. they are here yet , and a love too , boldly upon 't ; nay , mistresse , i still told you , how t' would finde your trust , this t is to venture your charitie upon a boy .
lan. now , what 's the matter ? stand fast , and like your self .
isa. prethee no more wench .
luce. what was his want to you .
isa. t is true .
luce. or misery , or say he had been i th' cage , was there no mercie to look abroad but yours ?
isa. i am paid for fooling .
luce. must every slight companion that can purchase a shew of poverty and beggerly planet fall under your compassion .
lance. here 's a new matter .
luce. nay , you are served but too well , here he staies yet , yet as i live .
fran. how her face alters on me ?
luce. out of a confidence i hope .
isa. i am glad on 't .
fran. how do you gentle lady ?
isa. much ashamed sir , but first stand further off me , y' are infectious to find such vanitie , nay almost impudence , where i beleeve a worth : is this your thanks , the gratitude you were so mad to make me , your trim counsell gentlemen ?
lanc. what , lady ?
isa. take your device agen , it will not serve sir , the woman will not bite , you are finely cosened , drop it no more for shame .
luce. do you think you are here sir amongst your wastcoateers , your base wenches that scratch at such occasions ; you are deluded : this is a gentlewoman of a noble house , born to a better fame than you can build her , and eyes above your pitch .
fran. i do acknowledge �
isa. then i beseech you sir , what could ' see , speak boldly , and speak truly , shame the devil , in my behaviour of such easinesse that you durst venture to do this .
fran. you amaze me , this ring is none of mine , nor did i drop it .
luce. i saw you drop it , sir.
isa. i took it up too , still looking when your modesty should misse it , why , what a childish part was this ?
fran. i vow .
isa. vow me no vowes , he that dares do this , has bred himself to boldnesse , to forswear too ; there take your gewgaw , you are too much pampered , and i repent my part , as you grow older grow wiser if you can , and so farewell sir.
exit isabella and luce. lan. grow wiser if you can , she has put it to you , t is a rich ring , did you drop it ?
fran. never , nere see it afore lance.
lan. thereby hangs a tail then : what slight she makes to catch her self , look up sir , you cannot lose her if you would , how daintily she flies upon the lure , and cunningly she makes her stops , whistle and shee 'l come to you .
fran. i would i were so happy .
lan. maids are clocks , the greatest wheel they show , goes slowest to us , and mak's hang on tedious hopes ; the lesser , which alre concealed being often oyl'd with wishes , flee like defires , and never leave that motion , till the tongue strikes ; she is flesh , blood and marrow , young as her purpose ; and soft as pity ; no monument to worship , but a mould to make men in , a neat one , and i know how ere she appears now , which is neer enough , you are stark blinde if you hit not soon at night ; she would venture forty pounds more but to feel a flea in your shape bite her : drop no more rings forsooth , this was the prettiest thing to know her heart by .
fran. thou puts me in much comfort .
lan. put your self in good comfort , if she do not point you out the way , drop no more rings , shee 'l drop her self into you .
fran. i wonder my brother comes not .
lan. let him alone , and feed your self on your own fortunes ; come be frollicke , and le ts be monstrous wise and full of councell . drop no more rings .
exit . enter widdow , fountain , bellamore , harebrain . wid. if you will needs be foolish you must be used so : who sent for you ? who entertained you gentlemen ? who bid you welcome hither ? you came crowding , and impudently bold ; press on my patience , as if i kept a house for all companions , and of all sorts will ' have your wills , will'vexe me and force my liking from you , i nere owe'd you .
fount . for all this we will dine with you .
bell. and for all this will have a better answer from you .
wid. you shall never , neither have an answer nor dinner , unless you use me with a more staid respect , and stay your time too .
enter isabella , shorthose , roger , humpherey , ralph , with dishes of meat . isab. forward with the meat now .
rog. come gentlemen march fairly .
short. roger , you are a weak servingman , your white broath runs from you ; fie , how i sweat under this pile of beef ; an elephant can do more ! oh for such a back now , and in these times , what might a man arrive at , goose , grase you up , and woodcock march behinde thee , i am almost foundred .
vvid. who bid you bring the meat yet ? away you knaves , i will not dine these two houres , how am i vext and chafed ; go carry it back and tell the cook , hee 's an arrant rascall , to send before i called .
short. faces about gentlemen , beat a mournfull march then , and give some supporters , i or else perish �
exeunt servants . isab. it does me much good to see her chafe thus .
hare . we can stay madam , and will stay and dwell here , t is good ayre .
foun . i know you have beds enough , and meat you never want .
wid. you want a little .
bell. we dare to pretend no , since you are churlish , wee 'l give you physick , you must purge this anger , it burns you and decavs you .
vvid. if i had you out once , i would be at charge of a percullis for you .
enter vallantine . val. good morrow noble lady .
vvid. good morrow sir , how sweetly now he looks , and how full manly , what slaves was these to use him so .
val. i come to look a young man i call brother .
vvid. such a one was here sir , as i remember your own brother , but gone almost an hour agoe .
val. good e'n then .
vvid. you must not so soon sir , here be some gentlemen , it may be you are acquainted with um .
hare . will nothing make him miserable ?
foun . how glorious !
bell. it is the very he , does it rain fortunes , or has he a familiar .
hare . how doggedly he looks too .
foun . i am beyond my faith , pray le ts be going .
val. where are these gentlemen ?
wid. here.
val. yes i know um , and will be more familiar .
bell. morrow maddam .
wid. nay stay and dine .
val. you shall stay till i talk with you , and not dine neither , but fastingly my fury , you thinke you have undone me , think so still , and swallow that beleef , till you be company for court-hand clarkes , and starved atturnies , till you break in at playes like prentises for three a groat , and crack nuts with the schollars in peny rooms agen , and fight for apples , till you return to what i found you , people betrai'd into the hands of fencers , challengers , tooth-drawers bills , and tedious proclamations in meal-markets , with throngings to see cutpurses : stir not , but hear , and mark , i le cut your throats else , till water works , and rumours of new rivers rld you again and run you into questions who built thames , till you run mad for lotteeries , and stand there with your tables to glean the golden sentences , and cite um secretly to servingmen for sound essayes , till tavernes allow you but a towel room to tipple in wine , that the bell hath gone for twice , and glasses that look like broken promises , tied up with wicker protestations , english tobacco with half pipes , nor in half a yeer once burnt , and bisket that bawds have rubb'd their gums upon like coralls to bring the mark again . tell these hour rascals so , this most fatall hour will come again , think i sit down the looser .
wid. will you stay gentlemen , a peece of beef and a cold capon , that 's all , you know you are welcome .
hum. that was cast to abuse us .
bell. steal off , the devil is in his anger .
wid. nay i am sure you will not leave me so discourteously now i have provided for you .
val. what do you here ? why do ye vex a woman of her goodness , her state and worth ; can you bring a fair certifificate that you deserve to be her footmen ; husbands , you pupies , husbands for whores and bawds , away you wind suckers ; do not look big , nor prate , nor stay , nor grumble , and when you are gone , seem to laugh at my fury , and slght this lady , i shall hear , and knw this : and though i am not bound to fight for women , as far as they are good i dare preserve um : be not too bold , for if you be , i le swinge you monstrously without all pitty , your honours now goe , avoid me mainly .
exeunt . wid. well sir , you have delivered me , i thank you , and with your nobleness prevented danger , their tongues might utter , weell all go and eat sir.
val. no , no i dare not trust my self with women , go to your meat , eat little , take less ease , and tie your body to a daily labour , you may live honstly , and so i thank you .
exit . wid. well go thy wayes , thou art a noble fellow , and some means i must work to have thee know it .
exit . actus . scaena . . enter vncle and merchant . vnc. most certain t is , her hands that hold him up , and her sister relieves franck.
mer. i am glad to hear it : but wherefore do they not pursue this fortune to some fair end ?
vnc. the women are too craftie , valantine too coy , and franke too bashfull , had any wise man hold of such a blessing , they would strike it out o th' flint but they would forme it .
enter vviddow and shorthose . mer. the widdow sure , why does she stir so early .
wid. t is strange , i cannot force him to understand me , and m make a benefit , of what i would bring him , tell my sift r i le use any devocions at home this morning , she may if she please go to church .
short. hay ho.
vvid. and do you waite upon her with torch sir ?
short. hay ho.
wid. you lazie knave .
short. here is such a tinkle tanklings that we can here lie quiet , and sleep our prayers out , ralph pray emptie my right shooe that you mide your chamber-pot , and burn a little rosemarie in 't , i must wait upon my ladie . this morning prayer has brought me into a consumption , i have nothing left but flesh and bones about me .
wid. you drousie slave , nothing but sleep and swilling .
short. had you been bitten with bandog fleas , as i have been , and haunted with the night mare .
wid. with an ale-pot .
short. you would have little list to morning prayers , pray take my fellow ralph , hee has a psalme booke , i am an ingrum man.
wid. get you ready quickly , and wen she is ready wait upon her handsomely ; no more , be gone .
short. if i do snore my part out �
exit short. unc. now to our purposes .
mer. good morrow , madam ,
wid. good morrow , gentlemen .
unc. good joy and fortune .
wid. these are good things , and worth my thanks , i thank you sir.
mer. much joy i hope youl'l finde , we came to gratulate your new knit marriage-band .
wid. how ?
unc. hee 's a gentleman , although he be my kinsman , my fair niece .
wid. niece , sir ?
unc. yes lady , now i may say so , t is no shame to you , i say a gentleman , and winking at some light fancies , which you most happily may affect him for , as bravely carried , as nobly bred and managed .
wid. what 's all this , i understand you not , what niece , what marriage-knot ?
unc. i le tell plainly , you are my niece , and valentine the gentleman has made you so by marriage .
wid. marriage ?
vnc. yes lady , and t was a noble and vertuous part , to take a falling man to your protection , and bouy him up again to all his glories .
wid. the men are mad .
mer. what though he wanted these outward things , that flie away like shadowes , was not his mind a full one , and a brave one ? you have wealth enough to give him glosse and outside , and he wit enough to give way to love a lady .
vnc. i ever thought he would do well .
mer. nay , i knew how ever he wheel'd about like a loose cabine , he would charge home at length , like a brave gentleman ; heavens blessing a your heart lady , we are so bound to honour you , in all your service so devoted to you .
unc. do not look so strange widow , it must be known , better a generall joy ; no stirring here yet , come , come , you cannot hide um .
wid. pray be not impudent , these are the finest toyes , belike i am married then .
mer. you are in a miserable estate in the worlds account else , i would not for your wealth it come to doubting .
wid. and i am great with child ?
vnc. no , great they say not , but t is a full opinion you are with childe , and great joy among the gentlemen , your husband hath bestirred himself fairly .
mer. alas , we know his private hours of entrance , how long , and when he stayed , could name the bed too , where he paid down his first fruits .
vvid. i shall beleeve anon .
vnc. and we consider for some private reasons , you would have it private , yet take your own pleasure ; and so good morrow , my best niece , my sweetest .
vvid. no , no , pray stay .
vnc. i know you would be with him , love him , and love him well .
mer. you 'l find him noble , this may beget �
unc. it must needs work upon her .
exit unc. and mer. wid. these are fine bobs ifaith , married , and with childe too , how long has this been , i trow ? they seem grave fellowes , they should not come to flout ; married , and bedded , the world takes notice too , where lies this may-game ? i could be vext extreamely now , and rail too , but t is to no end , though i itch a little , must i be scratcht i know not how , who waits there ?
enter humphrey , a servant . hum. madam .
wid. make ready my coach quickly , and wait you onely , and hark you sir , be secret & speedy , inquire out where he lies .
hum. i shall do it , madam .
exit . wid. married , and got with childe in a dream , t is fine ifaith , sure he that did this , would do better waking .
exit . enter valentine , fran. lance , and a boy with a torch . val. hold thy torch handsomely , how dost thou francke ? peter bassell , bear up .
fran. you have fried me soundly , sack do you call this drink ?
val. a shrewd dog , francke , will bite abundantly .
lan. now could i fight , and fight with thee .
val. with the , thou man of memphis .
lan. but that thou art mine own naturall master , yet my sack sayes thou art no man , thou art a pagan , and pawnest thy land , which a noble cause .
val. no arms , nor arms , good lancelot , dear lanec , no fighting here , we will have lands boy , livings , and titles , thou shalt be a vice roy , hang fighting , hang , 't is out of fashion .
lan. i would fain labour you into your lands again , go too , it is behoovefull .
fran. fie lance , fie .
lan. i must beat some body , and why not my master , before a stranger , charity and beating begins at home .
val. come , thou shalt beat me .
lan. i will not be compeld , and you were two masters , i scorn the motion .
val. wilt thou sleep ?
lan. i scorn sleep .
val. wilt thou go cat ?
lan. i scorn meat , i come for rompering , i come to wait upon my charge discreetly ; for look you , if you will not take your morgage again , here do i lie saint george , and so forth .
val. an here do i st. george , bestride the dragon , thus with my lance.
lan. i sting , i sting with my tail .
val. do you so , do you so , sir , i shall tail you presently .
fran. by no means , do not hurt him .
val. take this nelson , and now rise , thou maiden knight of malligo , lace on thy helmet of inchanted sack , and charge again .
lan. i play no more , you abuse me , will you go ?
fran. i le bid you good morrow brother , for sleep i cannot , i have a thousand fancies .
val. now thou art arrived , go bravely to the matter , and do something of worth franke.
lan. you shall hear from us .
exit lance and franke. val. this rogue , if he had been sober , sure had beaten me , is the most terrish knave .
enter uncle and merchant : may with a torch . vnc. 't is he .
mer. good morrow .
val. why sir , good morrow to you too , and you be so lusty .
unc. you have made your brother a fine man , we met him .
val. i made him a fine gentleman , he was a foole before , brought up amongst the midst of small beer brew-houses , what would you have with me ?
mer. i come to tell you , your latest hour is come .
val. are you my sentence ?
mer. the sentence of your state .
val. let it be hang'd then , and let it be hang'd high enough , i may not see it .
unc. a gracious resolution .
val. what would you have else with me , will you go drink , and let the world slide uncle ? ha , ha , ha , boyes , drink sack like whey boyes .
mer. have you no feeling , sir ?
val. come hither merchant : make me a supper , thou most reverent land-catcher , a supper of fortie pounds .
mer. what then , sir ?
val. then bring thy wife along , and thy fair sisters , thy neighbours and their wives , and all their trinkets , let me have fortie trumpets , and such wine , we 'll laugh at all the miseries of morgage , and then in state i le render thee an answer .
mer. what say you to this ?
unc. i dare not say , nor think neither .
mer. will you redeem your state , speak to the point , sir ?
val. not , not if it were mine heir in the turks gallies .
mer. then i must take an order ,
val. take a thousand , i will not keep it , nor thou shalt not have it , because thou camest i th' nick , thou shalt not have it , go take possession , and be sure you hold it , hold fast with both hands , for there be those hounds uncoupled , will ring you such knell , go down in glorie , and march upon my land , and crie , all 's mine ; crie as the devil did , and be the devil mark what what an eccho follows , build fine march panes , to entertain sir silk-worm and his lady , and pull the chappell down , and raise a chamber for mistresse silver-pin , to lay her belly in , mark what an earthquake comes , then foolish merchant my tenants are no subjects , they obey nothing , and they are people too , never chistened , they know no law , nor conscience , they 'l devour thee : and thou mortall , the stopple , they 'l confound thee within three dayes ; no bit nor memorie of what thou wert , no not the wart upon thy nose there , shall be ere heard of more , go take possession , and bring thy children down , to rost like rabbets , they love young toasts and butter , bow-bell suckers ; as they love mischief , and hate law , they are cambals : bring down thy kinred too , that be not fruitfull , there be those mandrakes that will mollifie um , go take possession , i le go to my chamber , afore boy go .
exeunt . mer. hee 's mad sure .
unc. hee 's half drunk sure , and yet i like this unwillingnesse to lose it , this looking back .
mer. yes , if he did it handsomly , but he 's so harsh & strange .
unc. beleeve it 't is his drink sir , and i am glad his drink has thrust it out .
mer. canibals ; if ever i come to view his regiment , if faire termes may be had .
vnc. he tels you true sir , they are a bunch of the most boystrous rascals disorder ever made , let um be mad once , the power of the whole countrey cannot cool um , be patient but a while .
mer. as long as you will sir , before i buy a bargain of such runts , i le buy a colledge for baers , and live among um ..
enter franscisco , lance , boy with a torch . fran. how dost thou now .
lan. better then i was , and straighter , but my heads a hogs-head still , it rowls and tumbles .
fran. thou wert cruelly paid .
lan. i may live to requite it , put a snaffle of sack in my mouth and then ride me very well .
fran. t was all but sport , i le tell thee what i mean now , i mean to see this wench .
lan. where a devil is she , and there were two , 't were better .
fran. dost thou hear the bell ring .
lan. yes , yes .
fran. then she comes to prayers , early each morning thither : now if i could but meet her , for i am of another mettle now .
enter isabel , and shorthose with a torch . lan. what lights yond .
fran. ha , t is a light , take her by the hand and court her .
lan. take her below the girdle , you 'l never speed else , it comes on this way still , oh that i had but such an opportunity in a saw-pit , how it comes on , comes on , t is here .
fran. t is she , fortune i kiss thy hand � good morrow lady .
isa. what voice is that sirra , do you sleep as you go , t is he , i am glad on t , why shorthose .
short. yes forsooth , i was dreamt , i was going to church .
lan. she sees yon as plain as i do .
isa. hold thy torch up .
short. here 's nothing but a stall , and a butchers dog asleep in 't , where did you see the voice .
fran. shee looks still angry .
lan. to her and meet sir.
isa. here , here .
fran. yes lady , never bless your solf , i am but a man , and like an honest man , now i wil thank you .
isa. what do you mean , who sent for you , who desired you .
short. shall i put out the torch forsooth .
isa. can i not go about my private meditations , ha , but such companions as you must ruffle me , you had best go with me sir.
fran. t was my purpose .
isa. why , what an impudence is this , you had best , being so neer the church , provide a priest , and perswade me to marry you .
fran. it was my meaning , and such a husband , so loving , and so carefull , my youth , and all my fortunes shall arrive at � � harke you .
isa. t is strange you should be thus unmannerly , turn home again sirra , you had best now force my man to lead your way .
lan. yes marry shall a , lady , forward my friend .
isab. this is a pretty riot , it may grow to a rape .
fran. do you like that better , i can ravish you an hundred times , and never hurt you .
short. i see nothing i am a sleep still , when you have done tell me , and then i le wake mistris .
isab. are you in earnest sir , do you long to be hang'd .
fran. yes by my troth lady in these fair tresses .
isa. shall i call out for help .
fran. no by no means , that were a weak trick lady , i le kiss , and stop your mouth .
isa. you l answer all these .
fran. a thousand kisses more .
isa. i was never abused thus , you had best give out too , that you found me willing , and say i doted on you .
fran. that 's known already , and no man living shall now carry you from me .
isa. this is fine ifaith .
fran. it shall be ten times finer .
isab. well , seeing you are so valiant , keep your way , i will to church .
fran. and i will wait upon you .
isab. and it is most likely there 's a priest , if you dare venter as you profess , i would wish you look about you , to do these rude tricks , for you know the recompences , and trust not to my mercy .
fram . but i will lady .
isa. for i le so handle you .
fran. that 's it i look for .
lan. afore thou dream .
shor. have you done .
isa. go on sir , & follow if you dare .
fran. if i do not hang me .
lan. t is all thine own boy , an were a million , god a mercy sacke , when would small beer have done this .
exeunt . knocking within . enter vallentine . val. whos 's that that knocks and bounces , what a devil alles you , is hell broke loose , or do you keep an iron mill .
enter a servant . ser. t' is a gentlewoman sir that must needs speak with you .
val. a gentlewoman , what gentlewoman , what have i to do with gentlewomen ?
ser. she will not be answered sir.
val. fling up the bed and let her in , i le try how gentle she is � exit servant . this sack has fild my head so full of bables , i am almost mad ; what gentlewoman should this be , i hope she has brought me no butter prins along with her to lay to my charge , if she have t is all one , i le for wear it .
enter widow . vvid. o you 'r a noble gallant , send off your servant pray .
exit servant . val. she will not ravish me , by this light she looks as sharp set a sparrow hawk , what would thou woman .
wid. o you have used me kindly , and like a gentleman , this is to trust to you .
val. trust to me , for what ?
wid. because i said in jest once , you were a handsom man , one i could like well , and fooling , made you beleeve i loved you , and might be brought to marrie .
val. the widow is drunk too .
wid. you out of this , which is a fine discretion , give out the matter 's done , you have won and wed me , and that you have put fairly put for an heir too , these are fine rumours to advance my credit ; i th' name of mischief what did you mean ?
val. that you loved me , and that you might be brought to marrie me ; why , what a devil do you mean , widow ?
vvid. 't was a fine trick too , to tell the world though you had enjoyed your first wish , you wished the wealth you aimed at , that i was poor , which is most true , i am , have fold my lands , because i love not those vexations , yet for mine honours sake , if you must be prabing and for my credits sake in the town .
val. i tell thee widow , i like thee ten times better , now thou hast no lands , for now thy hopes and cares , lye on thy husband , if ere thou marry est more .
vvid. have not you married me , and for this main cause , now as you report it to be your nurse .
val. my nurse , why , what am i grown too , give me the glass , my nurse .
wid. you nere said truer , i must confess i did a little favour you , and with some labour , might have been perswaded , but when i found i must be hourly troubled , with making broths , and dawbing your dacaies with swadling , and with stiching up your ruines , for the world so reports .
val. do not provoke me .
wid. and half an eye may see .
val. do not provoke me , the worlds a lying world , and thou shalt sinde it , have a good heart , and take a strong faith to thee , and mark what followes , my nurse , yes , you shall rock me : widdow i le keep you waking .
wid. you are disposed sir.
val. yes marry am i widdow , and you shall fell it , nay and they touch my freehold , i am a tiger .
wid. i think so .
val. come .
wid. whither ?
sings . val. any whither . the fit 's upon me now , the fit 's upon me now , come quickly gentle ladie , the fit 's upon me now , the world shall know they are fools , and so shalt thou do too , let the cobler meddle with his tools , the fits upon me now take me quickly , while i am in this vein , away with me , for if i have but two hours to consider , all the widows in the world cannot recover me .
wid. if you will , go with me sir.
val. yes marrie will i , but 't is in anger yet , and i will marrie thee , do not crosse me ; yes , and i will he with thee , and get a whole bundle of babies , and i will kisse thee , stand still and kisse me handsomely , but do not provoke me , stit neither hand nor foot , for i am dangerous , i drunk sack yesternight , do not allure me : thou art no widow of this world , come in pitie , and in spite i le marrie thee , not a word more , and i may be brought to love thee .
exeunt . enter merchant and uncle at severall doors . mer. well met agen , and what good newes yet ?
unc. faith nothing .
mer. no fruits of what we sowed ?
unc. nothing j hear of .
mer. no turning in this tide yet ?
unc. 't is all flood , and till that fall away , there 's no expecting .
enter fran. isab. lance. shorthose , a torch . mer. �s not this his younger brother ?
unc. with a gentlewoman the widows sister , as i live he smiles , he has got good hold , why well said franks faith , let 's stay and mark .
isa. well , you are the prettiest youth and so you have handled me , think you ha me sure .
fran. as sure as wedlock .
isa. you had best lie with me too .
fran. yes indeed will i , and get such black ey'd boyes .
unc. god a mercie , franke.
isa. this is a merrie world , poor simple gentlewomen that think no harm , cannot walk about their businesse , but they must be catcht up i know not how .
fran. i le tell you , and i le instruct you too , have i caught you , mistresse .
isa. well , and it were not for pure pitie , i would give you the slip yet , but being as it is .
fran. it shall be better .
enter valentine , widow , and ralph with a torch . isa. my sister , as i live , your brother with her , sure i think you are the kings takers .
unc. now it works .
val. nay , you shall know i am a man.
wid. i think so .
val. and such proof you shall have .
wid. i pray speak softly .
val. i le speak it out widow , yes and you shall confesse too , i am no nurse-childe , i went for a man , a good one , if you can beat me out o th' pit .
wid. i did but jest with you .
val. i le handle you in earnest , and so handle you : nay , when my credit cals .
wid. are you mad ?
val. i am mad , i am mad .
fran. good morrow , sir , i like your preparation .
val. thou hast been at it , franke.
fran. yes faith , 't is done sir.
val. along with me then , never hang an arse , widow .
isa. 't is to no purpose , sister .
val. well said black-brows , advance your torches gentlemen .
unc. yes , yes sir.
val. and keep your ranks .
mer. lance , carrie this before him .
unc. carrie it in state .
enter musicians , fount . hare . bell. val. what are you musicians , i know your comming , and what are those behinde you ,
musi. gentlemen that sent us to give the lady , a good morrow .
val. o i know them come boy sing the song i taught you , and sing it lustily , come forward gentlemen , your welcome , welcom , now we are all friends , go get the priest ready , and let him not be long , we have much business : come francke , rejoyce with me , thou hast got the start boy , but i le so tumble after , come my friends lead , lead cheerfully , and let your fiddles ring boyes , my follies and my fancies have an end here , display the morgage lance , merchant i le pay you , and every thing shall be in joynt agen . vnc. afore , afore .
val. and now confess , and know , wit without money , sometimes gives the blow . exeunt . finis .