Taylors feast contayning twenty-seaven dishes of meate, without bread, drinke, meate, fruite, flesh, fish, sawce, sallats, or sweet-meats, only a good stomacke, &c. Being full of variety and witty mirth. By John Taylor. Taylor, John, 1580-1653. 1638 Approx. 69 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 54 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2003-01 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A13502 STC 23798 ESTC S111405 99846760 99846760 11748 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A13502) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 11748) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1475-1640 ; 1010:21) Taylors feast contayning twenty-seaven dishes of meate, without bread, drinke, meate, fruite, flesh, fish, sawce, sallats, or sweet-meats, only a good stomacke, &c. Being full of variety and witty mirth. By John Taylor. Taylor, John, 1580-1653. [6], 103, [1] p. Printed by J. Okes dwelling in little St. Bartholmews, London : Anno. 1638. The first leaf is blank. Error in pagination: page 7 is incorrectly labeled p. 9. Reproduction of the original in the Henry E. Huntington Library and Art Gallery. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. Gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. 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Copies of the texts have been issued variously as SGML (TCP schema; ASCII text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable XML (TCP schema; characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless XML (TEI P5, characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or TEI g elements). Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng Food -- England -- Humor -- Early works to 1800. 2000-00 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2001-06 Apex CoVantage Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2001-08 TCP Staff (Michigan) Sampled and proofread 2001-08 TCP Staff (Michigan) Text and markup reviewed and edited 2001-11 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion Taylors Feast : Contayning Twenty-seaven Dishes of meate , Without Bread , Drinke , Meate , Fruite , Flesh , Fish , Sawce , Sallats , or sweet-meats , only a good stomacke , &c. Being full of variety and witty mirth . By JOHN TAYLOR . LONDON : Printed by J. Okes dwelling in little St. Bartholmews . Anno. 1638. The Names of the severall Dishes served in at this Feast . 1. THE Invitation . 2. Bread and Salt. 3. Great and small Oysters . 4. Brawne and Mustard . 5. Powderd Beefe and Cabbadge . 6. A Chine of roast Beefe . 7. Strong Beere . 8. Venison . 9. Wine Clarret . 10. Puddings and sawsadges . 11. Two Pigges , one raw , and the other roasted in a Cloak-bag . 12. A Goose. 13. A Cup of Sacke . 14. A couple of fat Ducks roasted . 15. A cup of small Beere . 16. Twelve Woodcocks in a dish . 17. A Loyne of Veale . 18. A Custard . 19. A whole Sturgeon like an old Colt. 20. A fresh Salmon . 21. Sixe six-penny Mutton pyes to make up the Feast . 22. A Pudding-pye . 23. A Foole. 24. Cheese . 25. A Posset . 26. Musicke . 27. One hundred Faggots to warme the Guests , and dresse the meate . Taylors Feast , Contayning Twenty seaven Dishes , without Bread , Drinke , Meate , Fruite , Flesh , Fish , Sawce , Sallats , or Sweet-meates . The Invitation . FIrst I would have my Guests understand this point of Modesty , not to presume to come unto my Feast without bidding , except they bring stooles with them ( as unbidden Guests should do . Secondly , I observe a Rule of the Italian ( which is now of late in great use in England ) which is to invite a man most earnestly to Dinner or Supper , hoping hee or they that are so invited , will have more manners then to come : But if they do come , then the Inviters doe esteeme the Guests unmannerly , and that they want good and gentile breeding . Thirdly , I would have none but such as have the gift of Abstinence and Fasting to come to my Feast , for my House stands ( as other Gentlemens houses do ) in a very wholesome and hungry Ayre , that shall not take away any mans Appetite , but allowing every man to depart with a good stomacke to his meate , ( when he hath it ) which is an apparant and infallible signe of health . Lastly , as many as please to come over my House any Morning , shall be very welcome to breake their Faces before they goe : Or if the greatest enemy I have doe ride within a Mile or two of my Dwelling , let him or they make bold to stay there a Moneth ( if they please ) and take such as they finde and welcome , for I will be but at ordinary or small charge in providing . Now Gentlemen Readers , or all of what degree so ever , that doe read this , I pray you all to take notice that you are my Guests , for the entertainement and Dyet you are like to have , I pray takeit in good part , washing is costly , and Soape is deare , therefore I will not have any Table-cloath , or Napkin fould , for you shall have no occasion to wash your hands , licke your lipps or fingers , nor shall you neede to make use of a Tooth-picke , you shall have no cause to draw Knives , neither shall here be any carving of either the wing of a Coney , or the fore-legge of a Capon : heere is no troublesome shifting of Trenchers or Platters , nor exception for the highest place at the Board , for the Dyet is a like in all places of the Table , ( and to avoyde Pride and emulation ) I have caused it to be made and fram'd , neither long or short , or middle size , square , round , or ovall ; and so you are all welcome unto my Tantalian Feast , which is drest without Kettle , Pot , or Spit , Dripping-pan , Frying-pan , Ladle , Scummer , Cooke , Scullion , Jacke , or Turne-broach : So now at the first sight you may perceive bread and salt , which is first placed upon every mans table , and so likewise at my Feast , and so in good order you shall finde the rest of the Feast follow in their due course and order . 2. Bread and Salt. BRead and Salt are the first Ushers to the Feast . The Anagram of Bread , is Beard or Bared , and though Salt come in with the first , yet Salt Anagrammatiz'd is Last ; which signifies that Bread and Salt should be the first broght in to a Table , and last Bared and carried away . But my Bread is not for every mans tooth , it not being made of Wheate , Rie , Barley , Oates , Mescellin , Beanes , Pease , or any Graine , Pulse , or Roote whatsoever . It is neither dough Baked , Baked dough , or burnt in the Oven , neither leavened or unleavened , nor any yeast , Barme , or Rising put into it , ( for it might fill my Guests with wind in stead of puffing them up with vaine glory . ) It hath neyther Crust or Crum , nor is it chip'd or unchip'd ; for the colour and finenesse of it is neyther White , Wheaten , Raunged , or Browne : it is neither in the shape of Loafe , Rowle , Cake , bunne , Wig , Manchet , Ruske , Bannock , Jannock , Symnell , or bread-pye , nor is it Cheat-bread , for it shall satisfie every man as much as hee lookes for : if it bee distastfull unto any , let him dippe it in the Salt , and it will be savoury presently . 3. Great and small Oysters . MY Bawdy Boy , having thus procur'd Faggots , yet hee 'l not be idle , but for your better content , the same Tyde hee will fit you with two Bushels of great and small Oysters ; for before hee had rowed foure miles , he overtooke a Katch that was swiming up towards London loaden with Oysters . Well overtaken Katch-man sayes one , Gramercy Water-man said the other ; wilt thou buy 100. of Faggots , said Bawdy Boy ? I know not what to doe with them said the other ; but yet I care not if I give thee a Crowne for them : Bawdy boy reply'd , I was glad ( quoth hee ) to take them for part of a desperate Debt , for where I had them , I could get no money , and my house is little , so that I want roome to lay them in , which is the cause that makes me to sell them to thee at so cheape a rate . The match being thus made , the Faggots were delivered into the Katch , and the five shillings was paid to the Water-man , who presently demanded of the Katch-man if his Oysters were good ? who answer'd , that his great ones were at sixe shillings the Bushell , ( water-measure ) and his small ones at two shillings the Bushell : Bawdy Boy said , thou hast bestowed thy money with me for Faggots , and I will leave it againe with thee for Oysters ; I will give thee a Crowne for a Bushell of the great , and two shillings for the small : all parties being agreed , the Oysters were measur'd , and throwne into the Boate : I pray thee Katch-man said Bawdy Boy , give me one great Oyster or two into the bargaine , which whil'st the Katch-man was reaching , the other put off his Boate , and rowed away : The one call'd ho Water-man , thou hast not payd me for my Oysters , the other said , you lye Katchman , you have Faggots for your Oysters ; the other reply'd , thou hast money for thy Faggots , the other answer'd , thou hast Faggots for thy Oysters , and for thy money both , and thou art an ignorant fellow , that know'st not how to reckon right : So away rowed he , and I pray Gentlemen fall to your Oysters . 4. A Coller of Brawne . WIll Baxted , a late well knowne fine Comedian , went in a Morning , on one of the Twenlve dayes in Christmas time , upon occasion of businesse to speake with an old rich miserable House-keeper , and having done what he came for , hee tooke his leave , leaving the old man in his Chamber : but as hee was going out of the doores , he said to the Fellow that let him out , My Friend , is not this Christmas time ? Yes that it is said the other ; then sayd Baxted , will not your Master bee angry if I doe goe away and not drinke ? the Fellow said , no sure , I thinke he will not be offended at all for such a small fault : O but ( quot Baxted ) it is good to be sure , and I am loth you should have any ill will for my sake , therefore I pray you , aske your Master if he will not be angry with you , if I doe goe away before I drinke : Sir sayd the fellow , I will not aske him such a question , but I will make you drinke without his knowledge . So into a Celler they went , and strong Beere was drawne in a Horne-cup , and as Baxted was drinking , the Master of the house knockt , and call'd , and whistl'd for his man as if hee had beene mad , so that the fellow was faine to leave Baxted in the Celler , and run upstaires in haste to his Master , who angryly said , ( Sirrha ) where have you beene ? and what is the reason that I have knock't , and bounc'd so long for you ? Sir ( sayd the servant ) I was giving a cup of Beere in the Celler to the Player that was with you : How , said the Master , thou idle wastfull knave , doe I keepe a Tap-house or Ordinary for every companion to tipple in ? I 'le make thee know it is not my Disposition , nor is it for my Reputation or profit : Truely Sir , said the Fellow , I could not chuse but make him drinke for shame , hee spake such words that mov'd me so ; and with that he told his Master what Baxted said , and that he had left him in the Celler alone : A Rope on him said the Old man , I will goe to him , and bid him welcome , ( though but with an ill will ) the mad knave will jeere me else . So he went to the Celler , where finding Baxted , hee said , you are welcome , and I thanke my man for having so much manners as to entertaine you ; for my head was full of businesse , and so I drinke to you good Mr. Baxted , and I pray you what say you to a slice of a Coller of Brawne and Mustard this Morning ? O sir , sayd hee , I would not say any thing at all to it , but I would doe somewhat to it if I had it ; truely Mr. Baxted ( said he ) and you shall have it ; so with an ill will he sent his man for it , who brought into the Celler a goodly Coller of Brawne , whole and uncut , Baxted knowing the Riches of the man , and the miserable poverty of his minde , drew forth his knife , with a full resolution to take the Coller lower , though the anger were raysed the higher , so with a desperate acute stomacke hee cut out a peece as bigge as a Penny-loafe on the top of the Brawne , which he presently consumed , and more for roagery than hunger : in the meane space the sight of the Brawnes demollishing vext the Old man : But Baxted persisting twixt Jeast and Coller , gave it the second cut in the other side on the top , so that it look'd forked like the Signe of the Myter ; at which the Old man could no longer hold , or contayne himselfe from speaking , saying , Master Baxted , are you marryed sir ? No sir quoth he , I am single , and I keepe no house ; the other said , I thought so by your cutting of Brawne , for I doe thinke you doe neither know the price of such a Coller , or what belongs 〈◊〉 it . Baxted answered him , Sir , indeed for the price I neither know , nor care for , but yet I doe know what belongs to it , which is a cup of Muskadell , if I could get it . So the old Mizer was faine to send his man to the Taverne for halfe a Pinte of Muskadell , to wash downe Baxteds Brawne , who was no sooner gone , but the old man in a rage gave his man warning to provide him another Master , for hee would keepe no such riotting knaves that would entertaine such bold Guests . 5. Powderd Beefe and Cabbage , and a messe of Mustard . A Water-man ( now living ) named Gilford , dwelt on the Bank-side , and comming home to his Dinner , which was Beefe and Cabbage , of which hee had made pottage , hee prayed his wife to make haste , and take it off the Fire , that hee might quickly dine , and bee gone ; and whilst the woman was reaching a Porrenger and Platter , a Cur-dog came into the house , lifted up his legge , and pist in the Porridge-pot amongst the meare and Cabbage , which the man perceiving told his Wife , and catch'd the dogge , and almost beate him to death : but the woman intreated her Husband to eate his Dinner , for it should bee never the worse , when shee had strayned the Pottage through a cleane cloath , but all her perswasions could not make him eate . Mustard . THree Gentlemen of the ancient race of Redshanks , ( now called Highland-men , because they inhabite in the Mountaynous parts of the North of Scotland ) these three having occasions to come into England , being at their Inne , had to their Dinner a peece of powdered Beefe and Mustard : now neither of them had never seene Mustard before , wherefore one of them demanded what Deele it was ? the Host answered , that it was good sawce for their meate ; Sawce said the other ? it hath an ill looke , I pray let me see you eat some first ; then the Host took a bit of Beefe , and dipt it in the Mustard , & did eate it : the Highland-man presently tooke his meat and rowl'd it in the Mustard , and began to chaw , but it was so strong , that it was no sooner in his mouth , but it set him a snuffing and neesing , that he told his Friends , ( Ducan and Donald ) that hee was slaine with the grey Grewell in the wee-dish ; he bid them draw their Whineards , and sticke the false Lowne , ( their Host ) hee pray'd them to remember his last love to his wife and Barnes , and withall to have a care to beware of the grey grewell , for the Deele was in 't . But after the force of the Mustard was spent , the Gentleman left neesing , all was pacified , mine Host was pardoned , and Mustard was good sawce for powderd Beefe . 6. A Chyne of Beefe roasted . AFaire Chyne of Beefe was once given to Mr. Iohn Fletcher , ( the Poet ) he pray'd his Hostesse , ( being an old woman neere the Bank-side , where he lodged ) to salt it well seven or eight daies , and he would invite some friends to the eating of it : the day being come , and the Chine at the Fire , the Woman had not playd the Huswife so well in salting of it , but that it had taken Ayre , and entertain'd more Tenants than were welcome : but after it had beene three houres at the fire , Master Fletcher had a minde to have a slice hot from the spit , and for that purpose came downe from his Chamber , drew his Knife , and cut ; and as hee cut , hee espyed Maggots drop out , at which hee was angry , but suffering the Spit to goe about , hee cut on the other side , and found it worse : Whereupon Fletcher being alone , ( for the Woman was gone forth , and left the Jacke to looke to the Spit ) was so enraged , that hee tooke the spit up , and setting his foot against the meate , footed it off , and threw it into a muddy ditch on the other side of the way , and putting the Spit into the Jackerope againe , went up to his Chamber againe in a chafe : the old woman suddainly comming in , and seeing the meate gone , was amazed , and stept into the streete , and asked some of her neighbours , if they saw any body goe into her house ? one made answer , that Mr. Fletcher went over to the Ditch , and backe againe , but he saw no body else ; then the woman went to see , and shee perceived the mudde was newly inclosed over something that had beene cast there in lately : so she fetcht a Rake , and raked the Beefe out of the ditch , put it under a Pumpe , and with a wispe , ashes , and sand , wash'd and scower'd it , so that all the Gentiles in it were confounded , then to the Spit shee put it againe , winds up the Jacke , which made a noise in his language whir , whir ; which Mr. Fletcher hearing , mused what was provided for Dinner for his Guests and himselfe ; the old woman being gone into her back-side , Fletcher stole softly downe the stayres , and peeping towards the fire , saw the Chine a roasting the second time , at which amazement hee biest himselfe , saying , Art thou crawl'd thither againe , thou shalt never be remov'd for me againe : so it was roasted , and gave good content to the Guests , but some of them said , it had taken winde . Gentlemen , I doubt you have sate too long over your Beefe , and therefore a cup of Beere is not amisse , and then you shall be furnish'd with some other Viands . 7. Strong Beere . TWo Souldiers of old acquaintance , having beene long asunder , chanced to meete , and after salutations they agree'd to enter an Ale-house , where a formall fashionable Tapster fill'd them as much nicke and froath with Petars of Tobacco , as made them ( in his estimation ) to bee reckoned at two shillings ; they fell to the discourse of their severall Fortunes and Services , the one of Russia and Poland , the other of Germany and Sweaden ; they talk't of hunger and thirst , cold , and nakednesse , sieges , and assaults , Artillery , Ammunition , Guns , and Drummes , wounds , scarres , death , and all the perils incident to men of the Sword. The Tapster over-hearing them , said , that they were the better welcome for being Souldiers , and that hee had beene one of that Martiall Traine himselfe in the Low-countries , where ( hee thank'd God ) hee neither did harme , nor tooke any ; the best was , that hee had learn'd so much wit that no man could couzen him : the Souldiers answer'd him , that his labour was worth his travell , in learning so much cunning , and so they paid their reckoning , and departed . They had not gone farre , but they met with another of their old acquaintance , ( a cunning shark ) to whom they told the bragging confidence of the Tapster : How said he , will he not be couzned ? Tell mee where hee dwells , and goe you two and stay at a Taverne that 's next him ; and I will first be with him , and then come quickly to you . The place being told , and the Taverne appointed , the witty Soldier went to the Tapster , and call'd for two Gunnes of Beere ; Guns quoth the Tapster ? Canns you would say ; the other reply'd , I doe meane Cannes , but I have beene so us'd to Cunnes in the Warres , that I forget my selfe , and call every thing a Gunne : So the Beere was fill'd in , and drank , and the Tapster fill'd his Gunnes or Cannes by couples , which they dranke betweene them ; then the Souldier said that hee saw a Tapster winne a Wager lately beyond beleefe ; for he brought sixe Cannes of Beere from the Tap all full , in one hand , and set them on the Table , not spilling one drop ; Sir , said the Tapster , I dare to lay a Crowne that I can doe that , I will lay as much that you doe it not said the other ; so the Wager was layd on the Boord , but whilst the Tapster was filling the Cannes , the Souldier ran away with the money , and straight perceived for all his wit and cunning , yet was able to be couzned . 8. Venison and Wine . A Gentleman dwelt two miles from a Market-towne , where ( at a Taverne ) hee caused some bottles of Wine to be fill'd to carry home , because he had invited some friends to his house to eate a Venison Pasty with him the next day : but his man and himselfe dranke so hard , that they forgot their Liquor , ( I meane the Bottles . ) The next day being come , and Dinner ready to bee laid on the Table , they remembred the Wine ; so the Gentleman commanded his man to take a Horse , ( which was sadled in the Stable ) and to ride for the Wine with all speed . Well , to Dinner they went , and the Serving-man to the Stable , the Pafry was opened , and to 't they fell , and after an Houres time expecting the Wine , now sayd the Gentleman , methinks my man is riding hither in post , I heare the Horse dash ; at which words the fellow entred : Hah well said , art thou come said the Master ? we have stay'd long , and thou hast made but slow speed ; a poxe on 't said the Fellow , if I should bee hang'd I cannot finde the bridle . 10. Puddings and Sawsadges . THe Pudding and the Sawsages will bee cold Gentlemen , if you doe not fall to , and then they will not be worth a sir-reverence ; and methinks it is an easie peece of Logick , to prove a Pudding to bee a perpetuall motion , for it is alwayes moving . And as an Arrow , flies from Butt to Butt , So doth a Pudding poste , from gut to gut . SImon Wadle , a Vintner , ( that once kept the Taverne neere the Temple-barre , at the Signe of Saint Dunstane ) with some other Vintners , had beene to taste and buy Wines at the Merchants , and having done their occasions , happened into the three Tunnes at Garlike-●ithe , where all the meate they could have on the suddaine , was a pound of Sawsadges ; Wadlo being hungry , had no great stomacke to have so many partners in so small a dish , and having an old rotten Tooth in his pocket , ( which a Barbar in Fleet-streete had drawne from him the day before ) hee secretly convey'd , and thrust the said Tooth into one of the Sawsages , which he himselfe first tooke into his hand ; and after his associates had each one tasted a little , and began to bee quicke and nimble , Wadlo snap'd his old tooth in his chaps , and pulling it forth , shewed it to the company ; upon the sight whereof they were all struck with feare and amazement , beleeving by the Tooth , that the Sawsages had beene made of Mans flesh : so they call'd for Sacke and Sallet-oyle , supposing they had beene poysoned ; but Wadlo fell to with a good stomacke , saying that hee could be no worse poysoned with them than hee was : The man of the house vowed that the murderous Jade that made the Sawsages , should be burnt . But after Wadlo had eaten up all , hee sent for the Barbar that drew the Tooth , and every man was presently cured , and the Sawsagewoman escaped burning . 11. A Pigge . A Collier , neere Croyden , having loaden his Cart with Coales for London , a woman that dwelt neare him that was Nurse to a Marchants child of the City , desired the Collier to remember her humble service to her Maister and Mistresse , and to tell them ( God be thanked ) their Childe was well ; and withall she intreated the Collier to carry them a live Pigge , ( which she had put in a bag before the Colliers face : ) the Collier tooke the bagge and made it fast upon the top of his Cart , and away came he . When hee came into London where hee should deliver his Coales , hee tooke the bagge with the Pigge , and tyed it under the Cart to one of the spoakes of the Wheele , and when hee had almost unloaden , a couple of Porters stood and perceived something moove in the bagge , did suppose it was a Pigge or a Goose , or some such creature , which they had borrowed upon some Common or high way , as they came by night : And whilst the Colliers were busied , & absent in carriage , and empting their Sackes , the Porters stole the Pigge out of the bagge , and put in a little cur dogge of their owne , making it fast as they found it , and away go they : The dogge impatient of his bondage , began to frig and fling , as he had bin mad , that the Colliers said , the Divell was newly entred into the Pigge ; or else the Pig did presage that hee was neare his owne death . Wel , the Cart being empty , the Collier takes the dog-pigge , and carried it to the Marchant , delivering his Message ( which was welcome ) saying that he must carry the bag backe agen ; so hee went to a side Table , and opened it , and putting in his hand for a Pigge , the dogge bit him by the fingers ; a pox on yee dee bite , quoth he : what doth he bite : quoth the Marchant , it can not be , I will take him out my selfe , then the Marchant put his hand into the bag , and the dogge snapt him so currishly that hee fetcht blood of his fingers , at which hee was angry , and bid the Divell take the Collier and the Pigge both . At which the Marchants wife laughed , and cald them both fooles , and with that she tooke the bagge by the bottome , and shooke out the dogge : the dogge being amazed , ( not knowing where hee was ) turn'd round twice or thrice , and leapt over a Hatch , and away ran he home to pick the bones of the Pigge : the Collier hang'd down his Head all ashamed to looke upon the Marchant . The Marchant ( standing with his fingers bleeding ) very angerly asked the Collier that if hee had no body but hee to abuse , and play the knave withall , to bring him a dog instead of a Pigge : to whom the Collier replyd , and also affirm'd with an oath , that his intent was free from abusing him or any man else , and that it was a Pig in the morning . The Marchant swore it was a dogge , the Collier swore it was a Pig ; and so much good may it doe you with your Pig. A Pig miraculously roasted . BUt a raw Pig is no mans meat , and therefore now you shall have one roasted , and strangely over-roasted . A Gentleman that dwelt about Enfield ten miles from London , had a Buffe , tough suite in Law , that had lasted him ten yeares , and every Terme hee sent his Counsellor a Pig , scalded and ready drest for the Spit : It fell so that at the beginning of a Mid-summer Terme : Richard the Serving-man had the Pigge in a cloak-bag a Horse-backe behind him , and as he was riding by Totnam-high-crosse , other Serving-men were there drinking at the signe of the Swan , who espied Richard , they cald him to make him drinke . Richard was glad to see his old acquaintance , and alighted , put his Horse in the Stable , tooke off his cloak-bag , and layd it on the board , telling his friends of the Pigge , and that it was the fortieth Pig that he had carried in ten yeares from his master to a Lawyer . The company gave Richard the hearing , and with all one of them cunningly stole the Pig out of the cloakbag , and carried it into the Kitching , cōmanding it to be speedily roasted : in the meane time they plied Richard with cup after cup , that they were al merry : the Pig being roasted , they wrapt it close in the napkin again , that no heat should come from it , and put it into the cloak-bag : so they took suddain leave of Richard , who was quickly mounted with his piping hot pig behind him . So that he being well lined with Sack , with the hot Pig at his back-side , and the Sunne in his face , & exceeding hot , so that poore Richard did ride , as it were betweene two fires , besides the Horse trotted terrible , which made the cloak-bag skip , and the Pig was tost as in a blanket : In these occurrences , Richard was halfe stewed , so that the sweate distil'd from his body , and lyquored his bootes . In this bloated case he came to London , and set up his Horse , tooke off his cloak-bag , which carrying under his arme , it was so hot that his side seem'd to scald , and hee thought he had gotten a Plewrisie , or a burning Feaver . Being come to the Councellours chamber , hee remembred his Masters and Mistresses loves to him , and that they had ( acording to custome ) sent him a Pigge , and withall complained of the soultrinesse of the weather , and the extreame heate he was in . Then he puts his hand into the Cloak-bagge to take out hte PIg , which was so hot , that he said there was fire in it ; at last hee drew it out , and when hee opened it , that it had gotten aire , it reak'd and smoak'd in such manner , that Richard said , there was one of the Wonders of the World ; for betweene the heate of the Sun , and the hard trotting of his Horse , there was a Pigge roasted all to pieces in the Cloake-bagge . A Gentleman loved the sole of a Goose more than any part else , but his Cooke having a Wench that long'd for it , hee adventred to give it her : when the Goose was carved , and brought to the Table , the Gentleman mist the sole , and demanded the Cooke for it ; the Cooke made answer , Sir , this was no Goose , it was a Gander , and and he lost his sole with treading his Sister . This Goose deserves some sawce , but I can swimme no more than a Goose , therefore I 'le wade no further : much good may it doe you Gentlemen . 13. A cup of Sacke . NOw it is but folly to offer a little Sacke to my Readers , for it is not a little or small Sack that can hold them ; yet for all that they may hold or contayne a little Sacke , ( when they have it . ) A roaring Gallant having dranke so much Sacke , that his head and belly were full , and empty of Ebriety and Sobriety , and his purse and brayne discharg'd of Wit and Money , was inforced to cast up his Sacke with more haste than he receiv'd it , which being done , and his stomacke somewhat eas'd , hee threw the Pottle-pot downe the staires , saying , Drawers , you Rogues , bring more Sacke , for all this is gone . A Spitch-cocke , or roasted Eele turn'd to a Bull. THere was a great Dispute held amongst good fellows once , of what thing in the world would live longest after exquisite and extreame Torments : the Judgement was generall , that it was an Eele , for first hee would live after his head was off ; after he was flay'd , after hee had his entrailes and heart taken out , after he was cut in peeces , yet every peece would have life in it , after it was laid on the Gridyron : Then one of the company said , I doe approove of your opinions ; for an Eele doth live longer after hee is dead , than any other thing that everliv'd on the earth . 14. A couple of fat Ducks roasted . NEere the Citty of Gaunt in Flanders , in a small Village there was lately a Priest that preached , or rayled most bitterly against the Protestants , calling them Reprobates , Cast-awayes , Hugonats , and Hereticks , good for nothing but to feed fire , flame , and faggots ; for which constant way of invective talking the Priest was mightily followed by abundance of ignorant people , ( the most part women ) as the like troupes doe into many places haunt Schismaticall Seperatists , that willingly would dislocate the Conformity and Unity of the Church . Amongst the rest of this Priests Auditorie , there was one man and his wife that seldome failed to heare him ; but it hapned that the Woman was to give her mayd-servant leave to goe to a Wedding at Gaunt , ( where she had a kinswoman to bee married ) so that her Mistris was forc'd to stay at home that Sunday , and dresse Dinner for her Husband and family . The Sermon being done , the Goodman came home , and told his Wife that their Priest had made an extraordinary piece of worke , that the like was never spoken , and that hee thought all the Protestants were knock'd downe with his words , and that he was griev'd at the heart shee was not at Church to heare him . At which report the woman was so full of griefe , ( for her being absent from so rare a matter ) that shee could eate no meate to Dinner , but fed upon sorrow ; her Husband began to comfort her , and told her , that if shee would bee merry , and eate her meate , hee would procure the Priest to come to their house on the Wednesday following , and there , ( in their Parlour ) he should repeate the same Sermon to them privately . The woman was well contented with the motion , and said , that shee would bestow a couple of as good Ducks roafted on him as ever hee eate in his life . ( Now you must understand , that the Woman was hard and miserable , and did seldome use to feede her Husband , or any other with Ducks : and the Priest on the other side , did love a Ducke so well , that hee would run over the Parish after them . ) Well , the Wednesday was come , the Priest came , the Ducks were on the Spit roasted , the Sermon was repeated , and Dinner was expected : The Woman arising from her seate , made a low courtesie to the Priest , saying , Sir , I will goe into the Kitchin , and make haste with your meate , the while I will leave you with my Husband to discourse . in the Parlour : So the good wife went to her Maid , saying , In faith Wench our Priest hath made a good Declaration , but I would my Ducks were alive againe , for it grieves me to remember how the pretty fooles would quacke , quacke , about the backsides ; but troubles my mind more , to thinke how , like Wolves , the Priest and thy Master will devoure them . The Maid answer'd her Dame , that if she pleased , that we two here will eate up the Ducks in the Kitchin , the whilst the Priest and hee are prating in the Parlour . The woman reply'd , that she could finde in her heart to doe it , but shee could not answer the matter with credit . Then said the Maide , Dame , let us eate the Ducks , and I will lay my Quarters wages against them , that wee will come off with fame and credit . The match was agreed upon , the Ducks were taken from the Spit , and betwixt them one was eaten , and the other dismember'd , and spoil'd : What must be done now said the Dame ? I pray you ( quoth the Maid ) to lay the cloath , with Bread , and Salt , and Trenchers ; which she did , ( her Husband bidding her make haste with Dinner ) then shee came to her Maid againe , and asked what must further be done ? Then said the Maid , you see our Knives are foule and blunt , I pray you whifper our Master in the eare , and tell him you will turne the grindstone whilst hee doth sharpen them : Then the woman did as her Maid bid her , and as her husband and shee were grinding in the back-side , the Maid went into the Parlour to the Priest , and told him that he was in great and suddaine danger , for her Master and Dame were much defam'd by reason of too much familiarity which was suspected betweene her Dame and his good father-hood , and therefore they had sent for him , with a trick to abuse him , to make him relate a Sermon , ( which they regard not : ) and as for the Ducks which he expected , shee swore truely there was not a Ducke in the house : The maine plot was , that they did purpose to gueld him , and therefore were sharpning their Knives ; which if hee pleas'd but to looke out at the Hall-window , he might plainely see . The Priest was all amazed at this newes , and looking , ( as the Maid said ) hee spied the man and his wise grinding and turning , at which sight he took his heeles , and ran away as if hee had beene two stone lighter than hee was . Then the Maid went to her Master , and said , that shee thought the Priest was mad , or the Devill was in him ; for he came suddainly into the Kitchin , and was run away with both the Ducks . Whereat the hungry man was angry , and in haste ( with one of the naked Knives in his hand ) he ran after the Priest ; so they both ran , the one for feare , and the other for hunger : the man calling to the Priest , bad him for shame not to carry them both away , but to let his wife have one of them : the Priest made answer ( as he ran ) that thy wife and thee are a couple of Rogues , and they should both bee hang'd before they had one of them , and that he would keepe them both whilst he had them . Thus the Sermon was said , the Priest was affraid , his hunger unstay'd , the Jest well laid , the Wages paid , Gramercy Maid . 15. A cup of small Beere . MY Reader perhaps may bee thirsty or dry with relating this long Tale of the Ducks , therefore it cannot be amisse to give him a Bowle of small Beere for a cooler . A Gentleman that dwelt tenne miles from London , sent his Footman in all haste to the Citty , to tell a Merchant welcome newes of a rich Unkle of his lately dead , that had left him somewhat to make him merry for his Death , with an out-side mourning in Blacke , and an in-side laughing with Sacke . The Foot-man having his Message , with a Letter , made as much speed as hee could , in hope of Reward for his good tidings , so that he seem'd by his pace to have wings on his heeles , and by the fogge or sweate hee was in , you would have suppos'd him to have beene bloated or stewed body and bones . Being come to the Merchant , hee deliver'd the Letter , which after he had halfe read , the Contents contented him so , that hee call'd his Maid , commanding her to fill a Bowle of Beere , and give it to the Foot-man , ( who stood dropping with sweate as if he had newly beene duck'd ) but hee setting it to his mouth , swallowed it with extreame eagernesse , and finding by the taste that it was a poore mortified Liquor , having no vivacity left in it , but meerely cold , comfortlesse , and at the best , a poore decayed single-soal'd drinke , although it were dead , and a deceased remnant of humidious Aquacity , nay though it had not upou the death or departure from its Cinnicall or Diogenicall habitation given so much as a good rellish , a smacke , or a taste to the poore Foot-man , that ever any Malt had beene drown'd , drench'd , or imbrew'd into it , yet hee ( as a man of a milde temper ) amidst his heate , unwilling to speake ill of the dead , did plainely tell the Merchant thus : Sir , I doe thinke that your Beere hath ran as fast as I have ran , and faster . Why sayst thou so ? ( quoth the Merchant ) because said the other , it sweates more then I do : it cannot be said the Marchant : the foote-man replied that if it did not sweate , he was much deceived , for hee was sure it was in a cold sweate , or all of a water . Another piece of Beefe , and then how the Beefe was purchased , &c. THough Beefe be accounted a grosse dish at most of our late Sardanapolitan feasts and Banquests , yet I doubt not but many of my Guests ( or Readers ) wil be well pleased to eat Beefe ( when they have it ) but I being reasonably well stored , will tell them how I came by it , and then ( as they like it ) let them fall too and welcome . Now how the Beefe was purchased . A Brace or couple of monilesse Gallants , who had met with some believing or credulous Mercer and Taylor , and sworne ( and lied themselves into compleate suites of praeter-plu-perfect-plush , or well deserving beaten Uelvet : these two had long time shared equall fortunes , and did purpose to live and dye in a brotherly conjunction ; and indeed it was pitty to part them . It befel that upon an Ash-wensday , they chanced to read a Proclamation for the strict observing and keeping of Lent ; at which they were both exceedingly grieved , so that the one said to the other , I cannot live according as is here commanded , for I will eate no fish , and therefore must have flesh : The other then replied I I thinke neither of us have friends , money , or credit , to purchase flesh or fish ; but if thou canst borrow a Porters habite , as a Frock , Cap , Basket , Rope , or Halter ; stockins , shooes , and the like , then I will assure thee , I will load thy backe with good Beefe ; my wit shall get it , and thy backe shall beare it , and our old Hostesse where we lodge , will powder it , and wee all will bee merry , and eate it . To be short , the out-side of a Porter was borrowed , and on the Thursday after Ash-wednesday , to the Butchers went this Gentleman-porter , and his consort the Kater . ( Now there was an old Doctor of Physicke , which for some Reasons shall not be named : Hee dwelt in London , of good repute , and great estate , but so lame of the Gout , that he seldome went out of his House , but sate in a Chaire , and gave his opinion of Urins and Diseases , and Directions , and Bills to Patients and Apothecaries . ) This Doctor was the stake or ayme that the Master Cheater did purpose to make the Buckler for his knavery : For comming to a Butcher , hee bargained with him at the best rate for so many Stone of the chiefest Beefe , with a legge and shoulder of Mutton , and loyne of Veale , which came to fifty shillings and odde money ; which being cut in peeces , and joynted , and laid in the Basket , he asked the Butcher if hee knew such a Doctor of Physicke ? ( as afore-said ) the Butcher said that he knew him well , that hee was an honest Gentleman , and that one of his men did buy meate often of him at his shop ; the Cheater reply'd , that hee was also one of the Doctors men , and that hee that was wont to buy meat of him , was his Fellow , but he was gone into the Countrey about some occasions , and that himselfe for his part had laid out all his money in the Citty uppon other things for his Master , therefore hee intreated the Butcher to let one of his servants to goe home with him , and take his due for his meate : The Butcher said it was a busie time , and had my customers to serve , yet hee commanded one of his men , ( calling him Richard ) to goe with the Gentleman , to bring 52. shillings and 10. pence , and to make haste backe againe . Away went the Butcher , the Porter , and the Gentleman , who asked the Butcher his name , and of what Country he was ? he said his name was Richard Snelling , of such a Parish in Northamptonshire ; the Cheater straite began to call Richard Cousin , and told him , that himselfe was a Snelling by the Mothers side , and that hee would doe more for him than hee was aware of . When they came into a Lane neere London wall , ( called PhilipLane ) where the old Doctor dwelt , the Cheater said Richard , I will goe before , and have the gate or doore open , because the Porter is loaden ; so running apace to the gate , hee knock'd , which straite a Maide opened , to whom he said , yonder comes a Butcher with a Porter , I pray you let them rest here in the Hall whilst I doe speake a word with your Master in the Parlour : as hee requested , it was done , and the Cheater went to the Doctor , and told him that hee was a Gentleman famous for Learning and Experience , and that though hee were lame in his legges , yet hee was sound in his Art and profession , which had moved him to bring to him a Patient , ( his Kinsman ) who was of Gentle Birth , but in his wild youth ran from his Parents , and bound himselfe Apprentise to a Butcher , and now within two dayes he was halfe franticke , and talk'd of nothing but money , which he thought was some distemperature in the Brayne , through want of sleepe , which surely Sir ( said he to the Doctor ) I am perswaded that you can effect in one night , and you shall have ten pound for the Cure : He is very milde and tractable , his fault is onely talking of Money , and he staies without in your Hal. I pray you call him in said the Doctor , which the Cheater did , saying , Richard , goe into the Parlour , my Master will pay you : so in went the Butcher to the Physitian , the whilst the two Cheaters went away with the meate . Then Richard entred with his Cap off , and made many scraping legges to the Doctor , who bade him put on his Cap , and take a stoole , and sit downe by him ; but Richard said , hee had more manners than so , desiring his Worship to helpe him to his money : Alas good fellow sayd the Doctor , I would not have thee to set thy heart upon mony , for they that doe love money , are bewitch'd with this World , and have little thought or hope of a better ; that money was like fire and water , very necessary for the use of Man , ( so long as they are servants , and kept under ) but where they get the maistry , they will doe a man a world of mischiefe . Richard reply'd , ( Sir ) I care not for money , but I must have money of you for my Master Beefe : to whom the Doctor said , Richard , thou art farre gone , how long hast thou beene in this case , to talke thus idly of Money ? I pray thee canst thou say thy prayers , or Creed ? Then straite the Butcher began to waxe hot , and said , that he was not farre gone , nor would goe without his Money ; and for the case hee was in , it is the same hee will be in , till he have his Money : And as for prayers , hee came not thither to pray ; and therefore I pray Sir , to leave jesting , and give me my Money , for my Master and Mistris are hastie folkes ; and will bee very angry with me for my long stay , and therefore give me my money . The Doctor perceiving that he could not put Richard out of talking of Money , did suppose he was stark mad , and therefore he quickly called for his men , ( William and Thomas ) and commanded them to take Richard , and put him into a close Chamber , and to draw curtaines , and shut up the windows , whereby hee might be kept darke , ( for the better settling of his braines ) saying that Richard came of good friends , and that a worthy Gentleman ( his Unkle ) was with him but now , and further , that hee had a good hope to cure him in short time . The Serving-men ( as their Master bad them ) tooke hold of Richard , who would not goe with them ; then they began to pull , hale , and tugge him , so that Richard in anger , asked if they would make him mad : Then they fell by the ears , and cuffe , and buffetted till they were bloody-nos'd , and their Bands torne ; the Doctor still crying to his men , Away with him , I will tame him before I have done , that he shall set his minde no more upon Money . Richard ( being weake ) was dragg'd perforce to the Chamber , when presently the Butcher ( Richards Master ) came to the doore , and knock'd , demanding whether hee had not a servant in the House ? one of the men said , there was a young fellow in the House that was stark mad , and that they would hhe had beene hang'd before they saw him , hee had beaten and torne them so : what , is he mad , ( quoth the Butcher ? ) yes said the other , hee talkes of Money , and would have it of my Master ; but feare not ( honest man ) my Master will cure him . What , is my man mad said the Butcher ? yea quot the other , hee would have Money , I told you : Money , why should hee not have Money said the Butcher ? He must , and shall have Money , and so will I : Are you as mad as your man said the Serving-man ? then we must be troubled to have another darke Chamber for you too ; and ( growing to high words one with another ) at last the Butchers wife came , ( flinging her Armes as if she had beene swimming ) using the volubility of her Tongue to a shrill and lofty straine , ( a principall vertue in too many women ) that the House rang with the clamour , ( as if it had beene a Cock-pit ) asking her Husband why hee staid there , and where the idle rogue her man was , that hee brought not away the Money . The old lame Doctor , hearing such a noise , asked one of his servants what the matter was : who told him that the Butcher and his wife both were come for money : Hoy-day , said the Doctor , I thinke all the World is made for Money ; goe and tell the Butcher and his Wife , that I have not darke roomes enow in my House for them : so after a little conference together , the Doctors maid affirm'd that a Porter rested his meate in their Hall , whilst the other Gentleman spake with him in the Parlour , and that they both went away when the Butchers man went in : thus the truth was cleared , the Cheaters were victual'd , the Doctor was gull'd , the Butcher was couzned , and Richard was released . 16. Twelve Woodcockes in a Dish . ABout sixe or seaven new molded Gallants , ( whose outsides were silke and slashes , and their insides jeeres and flashes ) were invited to a worthy Cittizens House to dinner , where amongst a great deale of other good cheare , there was brought to the Board a Jury of Woodcockes in one Dish , laid Head to Head in the center of the platter , as fantastick Travailers and their Wives doe lie feete to feet in the great Bed of Ware , sometimes by dozens . These Guests ( beeing loath to conceale their small Tallents of wit ) had an especiall Art to breake ten good jeasts of other mens , before they were able to make one good one of their own : they began to jybe at the Woodcockes , and said they were a Jury Empanell'd ; another sayd , it was hard to judge whether they were a petty , or a Grand-Jury : a third said , that he thought that those twelve were an Embleme of the twelve Companies . The Citizen ( being a Gentleman of place and eminence ) not thinking their eering worthy of his anger , would not set his gravity against their foppery ; yet thus mildly he answered them . You are welcome Gentlemen , and I do wish that my entertainment were better for you : I see there is one dish that distastes you , but it shall be taken away ; for I do assure you , that I never had so many Woodcockes at my Table at one time in all my life ; but I thinke the fault is not in my Cater , for here are at least halfe a dozen more then he provided . So hee commaunded one that waited on , to take away the roasted Woodcockes from the rest . 17. A Loyne of Veale . ALthough the bodies of men are all ( or the greatest number ) of one forme or a like frame , all compacted and composed of the foure Elements and Humors : yet those Elementary Humours are so variously mixed in men , that it makes them different in their Appetites , Affections , Inclinations , Constitutions and Actions : For example , some wil gape and make water at the sight of a hot roasted pigge ; some wil run from an Eele ; some dce hate Cheese so , that they will not handle a knife that hath cut it : some will sweat at the sight of a messe of Musrard . Mr. Anthony Munday ( sometimes a Writer to the City of London ) would run from the Table at the sight of a fore-quarter of Lambe roasted : And a reverend grave Judge of this Kingdome , did abhorre a Ducke as it had bin a Divell . Another Gentleman did love Salt , but by no meanes could indure to see it about the sides of a dish , but would swound at the sight of it . A Schoole-master in this Citty cannot indure to smell Apples . Amongst all these , I my selfe did know one Thomas Vincent that was a Book-keeper or prompter at the Globe play-house neere the Banck-end in Maid-lane : As also I did know Iohn Singer , who playd the Clownes part at the Fortune-play-house in Golding-Lane , these two men had such strange and different humours , that Vincent could not endure the sight or scent of a hot Loyne of Veale , and Singer did abhorre the smell of Aquavitae : But it hapned that both these were invited to Dinner by a Widdow , ( that did not well know their dyets ) and as they sate at the Boord , a hot Loyne of Veale was set before Vincent , who presently began to change colour , and looke pale , and in a trembling manner hee drop'd in a swowne under the Table ; the Widdow ( being in a great amazement ) made haste for an Aquavitae bottle to revive him , which was no sooner opened , but the very scent sent Singer after Vincent in the like foolish traunce . But when the Veale and Aqua vitae were taken away , after a little time the men recover'd : Vincent went into another Roome , and dranke , and Singer call'd for the Veale , and din'd well with it . 18. A Custard . A Prating fellow , that dwelt in a Citty that had in former times beene governe by Bayliffes , and was newly made a Majoralty , did brag that their first Majors feast was most sumptuous , and in price and value beyond the Lord Majors of York or London , for besides other Dishes and provision , there was sent in by the Gentlemen of the Countrey , Fourteene brace of Bucks ; I demanded of him at what time of the Yeere their Major was chosen ? He answer'd me , that about the Twentieth of October hee tokee his Oath , and kept his Feast : I reply'd , that I thought hee was mistaken , for the Season for Buckes doth not hold or continue till the Moneth of October ; then hee said , that if they were not Bucks , they were Does : To which I seemed to grant ; but withall I told him , that if they had beene Bucks , all had beene too short of our London Feast ; for wee were able on that day to drowne such a towne as theirs with sixteene Tunne of Custard . 19. A Sturgeon like an old Colt. THere is a Market-town ( which I will not name in Print ) in the roade betwixt London and Yorke , which hath a pretty River or Brooke rnnnes by it , up which Brooke it did chance that a Sturgeon did swim or shoote , ( somewhat neere the Towne ) the which a Gentleman that dwelt neere , espied , and caused a small Rope to bee put through the gills of the Fish , and fastened it to a stumpe of a Willow , intending to take it as a wafte or stray , that fell into the limits of his owne Bounds or Royalty : but as hee was gone to make provision for the carriage of it , and to call his servants for that purpose , the newes of the Sturgeon was brought to the Towne , and the Recorder told the Major , that it was taken in their Liberty , and that they were better to spend or give an Hundred pound , than to lose or hazard the losse of so much ground as the Sturgeon was within their Liberty and Lordship : and therfore it were their best course to goe speedily and fetch it away into the Towne perforce . This counsell was lik'd and approv'd , and so with one consent , the Major with his Brethren , the Recorder , and Officers , with the whole Drove or Heard of the Townsmen , went out to bring in the Sturgeon . And as they went , Master Major said , that he had eaten part of such a Fish many times , but in all his life hee had never seene a whole Sturgeon , and therfore he did not know of what shape or proportion it was : to whom one of the Aldermen said , Sir , in my youth I did use to goe to Sea , and then I did now and then see one , and I can compare or liken him to nothing more than to an old ragged Colt ; 't is like enough to bee so ( quoth the Major ) and for any thing I know he may be like a Goose , a Cocke , or a Bull : Thus as they walk'd and talk'd many words to small purpose , they espy'd a fellow leading a young Colt with aslip from the Brooke thwart over the field , which caused one of the Aldermen to say to the Major , Sir , yonder man ( be like ) hath had some warning of our comming , and you may see he is about to prevent us , for he is leading away the Sturgeon from us ; with that the Major called aloud , saying , Hallow , thou fellow , I charge and command thee , that thou bring hither our Sturgeon before me : The fellow ( wondring ) answer'd , what zay Zur ? Marry I say Sir , I charge thee bring hither our Sturgeon ; What doe you meane , my Colt said hee ? Sirrah , sirrah , said the Major , doe not you offer to put your knavish Colts tricks upon me , for if you doe , I 'le lay you by the Heeles : Do'st thou thinke that I am such an Asse that I doe not know a Colt from a Sturgeon ? Yfaith quoth the fellow , you are a merry Gentleman , and with that hee led the Colt away . Then the Major commanded men to pursue him , and take away the Sturgeon : Well , the fellow ran , the Townsmen ran , the Colt slip'd his Halter , and was encompast round , and hunting him into the Towne , was met by men , women , and children , as a rare and admirable sight , and had like to have beene kill'd , and cut out into Jolles and Rands , and made up into Keggs in pickle , but that a knowing understanding Shooe-maker most luckily prevented it . In the meane time , the Gentleman that first found the Sturgeon , caused it to be taken up out of the Brooke , and carried Home unto his House and there it was drest as was fitting . The Major perceiving his errour , let the man have his Colt againe , with a full determination that at the common charge with the Towne-purse to trie an Action with the Gentleman for the Sturgeon . 20. A fresh Salmon . THe good , old , and truely right Honourable Charles Earle of Nottingham , Lord High Admirall of England , whose renowned memory shall never bee forgotten untill his bounteous Houskeeping bee generally imitated . He being at his House at Chelsey , and looking upon certaine Fishermen that were fishing in the Thames with their SalmonNet , his Lordship call'd to them , and said , My friends , if you take a Salmon , and bring him a shoare living , that I may see it move , and live , I will give you your price for it : The Fisherman answer'd , ( My good Lord ) I hope wee shall bee able to present your Honour with such a Fish as you desire ; so they drew their Net to Land , and caught a very faire Salmon . ( My Lord standing on the Land looking on them ) To whom the Fisherman said , my Lord , I have him , and you shall have him straite : So the poore man tooke off his leather-girdle , which had fastned to it a little Pouch , with ten pence in money in it , and as he had put the girdle through the gill of the Salmon to hold it the faster , the Fish being a strong lively fish , gave a suddaine flirt or spring out of the mans armes into the River againe with the girdle in the gill , and the Pouch with ten-pence ; which Salmon did shoote up the River the same Tide , from Chelsey to Hammersmith , and there it was taken by another Fisherman , and the Girdle with the pouch with it , which was restor'd to the right owner , and the Fisherman contentedly rewarded for the same by the bounteous Nobleman afore-named . 21. Sixe six penny Mutton-pyes to make up the Feast . MEthinks a Feast is not well set forth if there bee no Pies or bak'd meates , and instead of Deere , I pray Gentlemen take in good part such Venison as Smithpenns affoord . There was a Chyrurgian , or corruptly a Surgeon , whose name was well knowne to me , and many more by Land , but especially and truly by Walter , and by shortning it an L , by Water , or briefly , Wat ; ( the helpe of a Priest would declare the rest ) This Walters stomacke did water for a Six-penny Mutton-pye , at a Cookes named T. S. at Westminster , almost over against the 3. Tunnes Taverne , and having eaten one Pie , he lik'd the rellish so well , that hee call'd for five pies more of the same price , and valiantly consum'd them both crust and meate , outsides and linings : Which being done , he heard Westminster clock strike , and demanding of one of the Cookes servants what time of day it was ? who answer'd him , that the Clocke strooke Eleaven ; Oh ( quoth he ) I pray you bring me a reckoning quickly , or else I shall lose my Dinner at my Lord Maynards . 22. A Pudding-pye . AN old rich Tanner , with a beggerly minde , did use Hartfourd Market constantly every Weeke , for the time of 28. Yeeres , to buy and sell Hides ; in all which space hee never changed his Inne or Hosresse , nor altered his price for diet or expences , either for his Horse or himselfe ; whose Horse-meate was to be tied up to an empty Racke , for which one pennie paid for his standing , and another penny the Tanner spent upon himselfe in a Pinte of Beere , and a halfe-penny loafe ; so two pence in the Totall was his constant expences every Market-day for so long a time : till at last as hee passed alongst the Streete , he espied a Wench that sold hot Pudding-pies , and presently his chapps began to water , so that his quicke Eye and liquorish Tooth made him turne prodigall so farre as to waste a pennie upon himselfe for a Pudding-pie , which he put in his Handkerchiefe , and carried to his Inne , with a purpose to feast his carkasse . So being set alone in a Roome , hee call'd for a whole pot of Beere , which the Maide drew , and was carrying it to him : but meeting her Dame or Mistris by the way , shee asked her to whom that Beere was fill'd ? for the old Tanner said the Maide , whereat the Mistris call'd her forgetfull Baggage , that had forgotten his usuall Diet , to bee but a pinte of Beere , and a Halfe-pennie loafe : The Maide reply'd , that hee had bought a Pudding-pie , and would make that serve instead of Bread , and therefore hee would spend a whole pennie in Drinke . So it was carried to the Tanner , who sate ( repentingly ) looking upon his Pie ; the whilst the Hostesse went into another roome , where there were some merry fellows drinking , to whom shee told how the Tanner had altered his custome and diet , and that hee was in such a Roome alone with his Pot and his Pudding-pie before him : whereat one of the fellows start up , and swore , the old miserable Hound should have small joy of it ; so away went he to the Tanner , ( who as yet had neither touch'd Pie or Pot ) to whom hee said , by your leave Father , I am bold to looke into your Roome , for my selfe with some friends are basely us'd in this House , for they fill us such scurvy dead drinke , as a man would bee asham'd to wash his Boots with it : Now you being an old Guest of the House , I would taste if your Beere bee better , and with that hee tooke up the Pot , and dranke all off , set it on the Boord againe , saying , I thought ( old man ) that you were in favour with mine Hostesse , and I perceive it now by the goodnesse of the Liquor : Oh but said the Tanner , you have drunk up all , then call for more said the other ; but who shall pay ( quoth the Tanner ? ) hee that 's best able quoth the fellow ; Thou art a sawcy fellow ( said the Tanner ) and little better than a Cheater , to come into my roome and drinke up my drinke thus basely , and therefore tell me thy Name : The fellow told him , his Name was Gurley ; Gurley said the Tanner ? there was a Rascall of thy Name that stole a Mare from me three yeere agoe , that I could have hang'd him for it if I would : With that the fellow clap'd his hand on the boord , and said , Old man , that Gurley was my Cousin , and hee was the most desperate Fellow that England bred , and did care no more for stealing your Mare , than I doe at this time for eating your Pudding-pie , and with those words hee suddainly snach'd up the Old Tanners Pie , and greedily ( knavishly ) devoured it at two or three mouthfulls , leaving the miserable Tanner in a mad , hungry , and thirsty anger , without either Beere or Pudding-pie for his two-pence . So Gentlemen , much good may it doe you with your Pudding-pie : Now there remaines behind onely some light meate for the closure of the stomack , which I pray fall to , and welcome ; and that is a Foole , being made like a Custard , and when that is done , pray give eare to the Musick . 23. A Foole. TO furnish a Feast compleatly , there must be Tarts , Custards , Flawnes , Flap-jackes , and by al meanes a Foole or two : and at a Feast it so hapned , that a Counsellour at Law ( or of Law ) being at the table , amongst other dishes that stood before him , hee fell to feeding most heartily upon a Foole , and lovingly likeing it so well , demaunded of the Mistresse of the House , what good name that most excellent dish of meate had : shee answered him , that the name of it was a Foole. The Lawyer replied , hat hee had often tasted the goodnesse of a Terme Foole , but for a Table Foole hee never smatch'd one that pleas'd his pallate better , and therefore hee desired her to let him have a note of the ingredients that appertained to the making of such a composition , that his Wife might put it in her booke of Cookery . To which request of his , the Gentle-woman condescended : so after Supper was ended , the Counsellors man drew his pen and inke , and as the Gentle-woman directed him , hee wrot . Item , so much clouted Creame , so much Sugar , so much Rose-water , so many Egges , such and such Spices , with other Simples that are pertinent to Foole-making , which I am not perfit in : But after hee had written all , he knew that his Mistresse would insert it into her Booke , and therefore he thought it fit to give it a title or directions above it , to distinguish it from other receites , wherefore thus he intituled it : A receite to shew my Mistresse , how to make my Master a Foole. A Tale of a Foole. A Young Gentleman ( being a rich Heire ) came a woing to a proper Gentle-woman , whose sharpe wit quickly found him to be a Foole , by his playing the Coxcombe , and by his outward gesture ; and so shee gave him frumps for his folly , and flours for his foppery , parting as wisely as they met : which her mother perceiving , beganne to chide her , saying that shee was a squeamish proud Baggage to give no more contentfull respect to a Gentleman of his worth and rich hopes , and that she had best to be more tractable to him hereafter , for , ( quoth she ) your Father and I , and his parents are minded and agreed that hee shal be your Husband . Now , God blesse me , said the maide , for I cannot love him : why canst thou not love him ? ( quoth the mother , ) I know he is very rich : rich , said the maide ? I know hee is rich , ( But , — . ) But quoth the mother , what But : you idle slut , you would say he is But a Foole : you say true mother , said she , it is for that onely that I cannot affect him : the mother reply'd , that for his being a Foole , it was her wisest part to take him ; for it was better for her to be married to one that is a Foole already made to her Hand , then after marriage to take the paines to make him one : saying further , who loves theirwives better then Fooles ? who lets them Eate , Drinke , weare , say , or doe what they please , but Fooles ? I tell thee that I was foure yeares married to thy Father , and hee he curb'd me , and restrain'd me of my will so much , that hee almost broake my Heart , till at the last ( with a great deale of cost and counsell from my good neighbours and Cossips , ) and aboundance of care and paines taking , I made him a Foole , ( and so he happily continues : ) since which time , I have liv'd a Ladies life , full of content and pleasure : and therefore Huswife , no more a doe , but take my counsell , and marry a Foole , if you meane to live a merry and pleasant life . 24. Cheese . ONe brag'd and boasted that when he was married , that he had at the least two hundred Cookes to dresse his Wedding Dinner : Another answered him that hee believed him not , because he knew that he had not so much as a House to put his Head in , but lodged in a Garret , and therefore he could not have use or roome for so many Cookes : He replied , that as hee with his friends came from Church , they went to a drie Hedge , and set it on fire , ( every man having a piece of Cheese in his pocket , ) and dividing themselves , the one halfe halfe of them on one side of the Hedge , and the other halfe on the other , and so toasting their Cheese , being two hundred in number , they were all Cookes , and drest the Wedding dinner . 25. A Posset . THe Kings-Head Taverne in Fleet-streete , at Chancery-lane end , hath a long time bin a contenting well-custom'd House , and if the Travailes of some of the Drawers up and downe the staires could be measured , it may be reckoned a dayly journey of Forty miles a day in a Terme-time . About 30. Yeeres since there was a man that kept the said Taverne , whose Name was Gent , who was an honest fat man , ( as most fat men be ) who being in bed , about mid-night the Drawers and the Maids were up merry in the Kitchin , to have a little recreation after their long dayes toyle : for which purpose the Maides had made a great and a good Posset , which exceeding hot , and well sack'd , sugar'd , and spic'd , was put into a broad-brim'd pewter Bason : Mr. Gent being suddainly taken with an occasion to rise , ( for the keeping of his bed cleane ) put on his slippers , and as he was comming downe the staires , his servants hearing him , were in doubt they were discovered by their Master , whom to prevent , they put out the light , and one of them took the Bason with the hot Posset , and ( to hide it ) laid it upon the seat in the House of office , Master Gent suspecting no harme , went thither in the darke , and set himselfe in the Posset , which hee found so scalding , that hee cried out Helpe , helpe , the devil 's in the Privie : thus was the Servants deceiv'd , the Good-man scar'd and scalded , and the Posset most unluckily spoyl'd and defil'd . 26. Musicke . THree or foure Gentlemen being merry with drinke and discourse in a Taverne , a Musitian proffer'd them Musicke , which was deny'd ; within a little time after another ask'd the same question , Gentlemen , will you have any Muficke ? The Gentlemen began to bee angry , saying , they were Musick to themselves , and of themselves , and bad the Fidler get him gone ; but it was not long before the third Fidler opened their doore , and peep'd into the Roome , with the old note , Gentlemen , will you have any Musicke , a new Song , or a fine Lesson ? The Gentlemen perceiving that no deniall would satisfie their intruding importunacy , said , do'st thou heare fellow , how many are you ? Wee are foure said the Musitian ; Can you dance said the Gentlemen ? Yes sir said the other ; tha●'s well quoth the Gentlemen : so without any more bidding , the Musitians entred , and two of them plaid , and the other two danc'd foure or five Dances ; in conclusion the Gentlemen call'd for a Reckoning , and paid it ; but as they were going away , one of the Fidlers said , Gentlemen , I pray you to remember the Musick , you have given us nothing yet ; to whom one of the Gentlemen answer'd , nor will we give you any thing , for we never knew any Reason to the contrary , But alwayes those that dance must pay the Musicke . 27. One hundred of Faggots . GEntlemen , the aire is raw and cold , therefore 't is not amisse to have some Faggots , as well to warme you , as to dresse your meate ; and first how the Faggots were gotten . There dwelt a Water-man at Greenewitch , who for his meritorious and notorious Vertues , had justly purchas'd the Nicke-name of Bawdy-boy , by which name hee was generally knowne , and called , and will thereby bee many yeeres to come , had in remembrance . It happened that this Fellow ( working with Oares ) had a Gentleman at London in his Boate , whom hee carried to Gravesend ; it being in a Winter-night , and Eleaven of the Clocke at the time of their landing , the Moone shining in her full brightnesse , and so calme and still was the winde , that it would not move the smoake of a Chimney , or flame of a Candle . When Bawdy-boy had landed the Gentleman , and tooke his fare , ( which was sixe shillings ) hee told his fellow what hee had receiv'd , and withall the Tide being an houre flood , and no passengers left , hee thought it best to swim up emptie-boated with the streame from Gravesend to Greenewich , rather than to stay there , and spend their money ; and that hee doubted not , but to make some profitable purchase on the river before he gat home : In which resolve they put off their Boate , and after one houres Rowing , betweene Greene-hithe and Purfleete they overtooke an Hoy , or great Boate , loaden with as good Kentish faggots as Christendome could yeeld : the Hoy-man driving and whistling up in the calme streame , and the light Moone-shine , to whom Bawdy-boy call'd , and ask'd him if hee would sell him one Hundred of Faggots ? The Hoy-man answer'd , saying , they are not mine to sell , I am but hired to bring them to London for a Woodmonger that dwells there . My Friend ( quoth Bawdy-boy ) what though they are none of thine to sell , yet thou may'st let me have one Hundred of them , and make thy Master beleeve they were mis-told to thee ; or else thou may'st mis-tell one Hundred in the delivery of them ; 't is twenty to one they will never bee mist amongst so many . This gentle and grave counsell began to worke upon the tender conscience of the Faggot-man , insomuch that the bargaine was strooke , that for Five Shillings Bawdy-boy should have one Hundred of Faggots . In briefe , the Faggots were taken into the Wherrie , and the Faggot-seller expected Five shillings ; to whom Bawdy-boy said , ( Friend ) I doe see a Faggot with a crooked stick in it , which sticke will be to me of more worth than three Faggots , for a use that I would put it to : I pray thee let me have it , and I wil give thee one of my faggots backe againe for it ; the other reply'd , that he would doe him that kindnesse , though it were troublesome to him to remove a dozen or twenty Faggots that lay about it : So whilst the fellow was busie to get the crooked-stickefaggot , Bawdy-boy thrust himselfe off with his Boate and one Hundred of Faggots : At the last the Hoy-man came to the Hoyes side , and perceiving his Merchant to be gone , hee called to him , saying , Hoe friend , com● hither , here is the Faggot with the crooked sticke : To whom Bawdy-boy reply'd , saying , it is no matter , I have better bethought my selfe , I will make a shift without it : the other call'd againe , and said , thou hast nor paid me for my Faggots , I know it well quoth the other , nor will I pay thee any thing ; thou art a Theefe , and a notable Rogue , and I will pay thy Master , who is an honest Gentleman , and hee shall know what a Rogue you are , and so I leave you . Courteous Reader , I would intreate you to read this pleasant discourse of One hundred of Faggots , before that of Great and small Oysters , for so it should be placed . Thus Gentlemen , you have seene your Cheere , and you know you are welcome ; I am perswaded that you could not have had so good diet ( as is before related ) at any six-penny Ordinary , though it were in the North , where Victuals are cheapest : Heere hath beene variety without Ebriety , I promis'd you at first , that I would not take your stomacks from you , and that you should goe away as sober as you came , wherein I hope I have kept my word , and so you are welcome Gentlemen : Onely here is a Bill of Fare to satisfie your mindes , or to bee a President fo you , when you have occasion to make a Feast , and how to provide for every mans Palate . A Bill of Fare , invented by the choisest Pallats of our time , both for Worth and Wit , wherein are appointed such Rare and Admirable Dishes , as are not to bee had every where ; and may be expected dayly at the Five pound Ordinary : as it came to my hands I give it you freely ( Gentlemen ) with some Addition of Dishes of mine owne . FOure Phantasmaes , two boil'd and two roasted . One Dish of Cadulsets . A stew'd Torpedo . One Dish of Andovians . One Phoenix in white Broath . One fore-legge of a Greene Dragon bak'd . Foure Pellican Chickens . Two Dottrells broyl'd . A Dish of Elephants Pettitoes . A Rhinorsceros boyld in Allecant . A Calves Head roast with a Pudding in the belly . A sowst Owle . A Dish of Irish Harts Horne boil'd into Jelly , with a golden Horse-shooe dissolv'd in it . One Lobster fry'd in steaks . Nine Soales of a Goose. Three Ells of a Jackanapes taile . Two Cockatrices . Two dryed Sallamanders . One boild Ele-pie . A Dish of Quishquillions . A Dish of Modicums boild with Bonum . A Dish of Bounties with Sorrellsoppes . A Gull pickled . A Tantablin with an Onion . A Sallet of Goose-grease and Chickweed-fruite . A West-India Cheese . One Hundred of CoakerNuts . Fifty Pine-apples . Twelve Palmitaes . FINIS .