Wit and mirth chargeably collected out of tauernes, ordinaries, innes, bowling greenes, and allyes, alehouses, tobacco shops, highwaies, and water-passages : made vp, and fashioned into clinches, bulls, quirkes, yerkes, quips, and ierkes : apothegmatically bundled vp and garbled at the request of old Iohn Garrets ghost / by Iohn Taylor, water-poet. Taylor, John, 1580-1653. 1628 Approx. 83 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 41 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2003-01 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A13520 STC 23813.7 ESTC S3387 33143398 ocm 33143398 28446 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A13520) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 28446) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1475-1640 ; 1884:6) Wit and mirth chargeably collected out of tauernes, ordinaries, innes, bowling greenes, and allyes, alehouses, tobacco shops, highwaies, and water-passages : made vp, and fashioned into clinches, bulls, quirkes, yerkes, quips, and ierkes : apothegmatically bundled vp and garbled at the request of old Iohn Garrets ghost / by Iohn Taylor, water-poet. Taylor, John, 1580-1653. [48] p. For Henrie Gosson, and are to sold at Christ-Church gate, Printed at London : 1628. Signatures: A-C⁸. Reproduction of original in: Harvard University. Library. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. 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Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng English wit and humor. 2000-00 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2001-07 Apex CoVantage Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2001-08 TCP Staff (Michigan) Sampled and proofread 2001-10 TCP Staff (Michigan) Text and markup reviewed and edited 2001-11 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion Wit and Mirth , Chargeably collected out of Tauernes , Ordinaries , Innes , Bowling Greenes , and Allyes , Alehouses , Tobacco shops , Highwaies , and Water-passages . Made vp , and fashioned into Clinches , Bulls , Quirkes , Yerkes , Quips , and Ierkes . Apothegmatically bundled vp and garbled at the request of old Iohn Garrets Ghost . By Iohn Taylor , Water-Poet . Printed at London for Henrie Gosson , and are to be sold at Christ-Church gate . 1628. TO THE TRVLY Loyall hearted , learned , well-accomplished Gentleman , Mr. Archibald Rankin . SIR , BEeing inioyned by the Ghost or Genius of old Iohn Garret , ( a man well known and beloued ) to collect , gleane , or gather , a bundle or trusse of Mirth , and for his sake to bestrow the stage of the melancholly world with it ; and withall to present it to some one generous spirit , who was old Iohns friend ; I thought vpon many to whom I might haue made my Dedication , who were both Royall , Honorable , Worshipfull , and all wel-affected towards him : As to mention one for all , that 〈◊〉 of the world , & richest Iem of her sex , that Magazine of the two inestimable Iewels , Patience and Fortitude ; to that illustrious peerelesse Princesse I might haue recommended it , to whose seruice , and for whose happinesse , his life and best endeauours , with his prayers and implorations at his death , were vnfainedly consecrated . But my manners conceiuing the subiect of this Booke , of altogether to triuiall a nature to be sheltred vnder the shadow of the wings of transcendent and admired Maiestie ; I stept so many steps down the staires with my inuention , where by good fortune I met with you , whom I knew did loue that old honest mirrour of mirth , deceased ; and whom the world better knows , are a true deuoted friend to honest harmelesse mirth ; and laudable recreation . I therefore entreat you , that ( when your more serious affaires will permit ) you would bestow the looking vpon these my poore and beggarly wardrobe of witty lefts , whom I dare not call Apothegmes . And because I had many of them by relation and heare-say , I am in doubt that some of them may bee in print in some other Authors , which I doe assure you is more then I doe know ; which if it bee so , I pray you but to conniue or tollerate , and let the Authors make twice as bold with me at any time . Thus wishing euery one to mende one , whereby the rent and torne garments of Threed-bare Time may be well and merrily patched and repaired , crauing your pardon , with my best wishes , I remaine Yours euer in the best of my best 〈◊〉 . IOHN TAYLOR . IOHN GARRETS GHOST . THE doores and windowes of the Heauens were barr'd , And Nights blacke Curtaine , like an Ebon Robe , From Earth did all Celestiall light discard , And in sad darknesse clad the ample Globe ; Dead midnight came , the Cats'gan catterwaule , The time when Ghosts and Goblins walke about ; Bats flye , Owles shrick , & dismall Dogs do bawle , Whiles conscience cleare securely sleepes it out . At such a time I sleeping in my bed , A vision strange appear'd vnto my sight , Amazement all my senses ouer spread , And fill'd me full with terrour and afright . A merry graue aspect me thought he had , And one he seem'd that I had often seene : Yet was he in such vncouth shape y clad , That what he was I could not wistly weene . His cloake was Sack , but not the Sacke of 〈◊〉 , Canara , Mallago , or sprightfull Shery , But made of Sack-cloth , such as beares the graine , Good salt , & coles , which makes the Potters weary Lac'd round about with platted wheaten straw , For which he nothing to the Silkeman owed : A wearing neuer mention'd in the Law , And yet far off , like good gold lace it show'd . Lin'd was his mantle with good Essex plush , Pyde Calues skins , or Veale sattin , which you wil : It neuer was worne threedbare with a brush , I ( naturally ) sau'd the labour still . A hat like Grantham steeple , for the crowne Or Piramide was large in altitude : With frugall brim , whereby he still was knowne From other men amongst a multitude , A Princes shooe , he for a iewel wore , Two ribbonds , and a feather in his beauer , Which shape me thought I oft had seene before , Yet out of knowledge where , as 't had bin neuer . He in his hand a flaming torch did hold , ( And as hee neerer did approach to me ) My hayre 'gan stand on end , feare struck me cold , Feare not , I am Iohn Garrets ghost , quoth he . I come to rowze thy dull and lazy Muse From idlenesse , from Lethe's hatefull lake : And therefore stand vpon no vaine excuse , But rise , and to thy tooles thy selfe betake . Remember me , althongh my carkasse rot , Write of me , to me , call me Foole or Iester , But yet I pray thee ( Taylor ) ranke me not , Among those knaues that doe the world bepester , Thou wrot'st of Great Otoole and Coriat , Of braue Sir Thomas Parsons , Knight o' th Sun , And Archy hath thy verse to glory at , And yet for me thou nought hast euer done . Write that in Ireland , I in Mars his trayne , Long time did vnder noble Norris serue : Where ( as I could ) I stood gainst Pope and Spain , Whilst some were slain , & some w th want did starue Where shot , & wounds , & knocks , I gaue and took Vntill at last halfe maimed as I was , A man decrepit , I those warres forsooke And ( with my Passe ) did to my Country passe . Where getting health , I then shooke hands with death , And to the Court I often made resort . Where Englands mighty Queene Elizabeth Allow'd me entertainment for disport . Then by the foretop did I take old time : Then were not halfe so many fooles as now , Then was my 〈◊〉 , and my onely prime , My purse receiuing what my wit did plow. Then in such compasse I my iests would hold , That though I gaue a man a gird or twaine : All his reuenge would be to giue me gold , With commendations of my nimble braine . Thus liu'd I till that gracious Queene deceast , Who was succeeded by a famous King : In whose blest Sons reigne ( I with yeares opprest ) Me to my graue , sicknesse and death did bring . And now ( kind Iacke ) thou seest my ayrie forme Hath shaken off her Iayle of flesh and bone , Whilst they remaine the feast of many a worme . My better part doth visit thee alone . And as betweene vs still , our good requests , Thou neuer me . I neuer thee denyd : So for my sake collect some merry Iests , Whereby sad time may be with mirth 〈◊〉 . And when t is written find some good man forth , One ( as thou thinkst ) was when I liu'd my friend : And though thy lines may be but little worth , Yet vnto him my duty recommend , So farewell 〈◊〉 , dame Luna 'gins to rise , The twinkling stars begin to borrow light : Remember this my suit I thee aduise , And so once more good honest Iacke goodnight . With that more swifter then a shaft from bow , He cut and curried through the empty ayre , Whilst I amaz'd with feare , as cold as snow , Straight felt my spirits quickly to repayre . And though I found it but a dreame indeed , Yet for his sake of whom I dreamed then , I left my bed , and cloath'd my selfe with speed , And presently betooke me to my pen : Cleare was the morne , and Phoebus lent me light , And ( as it followeth ) I began to write . VVit and Mirth . ( 1 ) MY selfe caried an olde fellow by water , that had wealth enough to be Deputy of the Ward , and wit sufficient for a Scauenger ; the water being somewhat rough , hee was much afraid , and ( in stead of saying his prayers , ) 〈◊〉 threatned me , that if I did drowne him , he would spend a hundred pound , but hee would 〈◊〉 me hanged for it ; I desired him to be quiet and feare nothing , and so in litlle space I landed him at the Beares Colledge on the Bankside , alias Paris Garden , ) Well ( said he ) I am glad I am off the water , for it the Boat had miscaried , I could haue swum no more then a Goose. ( 2 ) AN old 〈◊〉 ( at the repayring of a Church ) was writing sentences of Scripture vpon the walles , by chance a friend of mine came into the Church , and reading them perceined much false English : Old man , said my friend , why do you not write true English ? Alas Sir ( quoth the Painter ) they are 〈◊〉 simple people in this Parish , and they will not goe to the cost of it . ( 3 ) TWo men being 〈◊〉 at a Table , one against the other the one of them hauing a cup in his hand , drank to the other , saying , Here Opposite I will drinke to you : Opposite , said the other ( being angry ) what is that , I would not haue thee put any of thy nicknames vpon mee , for thou shalt well know that I am no more opposite then thy selfe , or the skinne 〈◊〉 thy browes . ( 4 ) A Wealthy Monsieur in France , ( hauing profound 〈◊〉 , and 〈◊〉 braine ) was told by his man that 〈◊〉 did continually gape in his sléepe : at which he was angry with his man , saying , hée would not beléeue it : his man 〈◊〉 it to 〈◊〉 true , his master said that he would neuer beléeue any that tould him so , except ( quoth he ) I chance to see it with mine own eyes : and therefore I will haue a great Looking-glasse hanged at my beds 〈◊〉 for the purpofe , to try whether thou art a lying knaue or not . ( 5 ) THe said 〈◊〉 commaunded his man to buy him a gray hat , with a button in the 〈◊〉 to button it vp behind : his man bought him one , & brought him , he put it on his head with the button before , which when hee looked in the glasse and saw , he was very angry saying , thou crosse 〈◊〉 knaue , did I not 〈◊〉 thée buy a hat with the button to hold it vp behind , and thou hast brought mee one that turnes vp before : I command thée once more goe thy wayes , and 〈◊〉 me such a one as I would haue , 〈◊〉 it cost me . ( 6 ) THe same Gallent as 〈◊〉 trauelled , would haue a Goose to his Supper , which when she was 〈◊〉 and brought to the Table , he said shee 〈◊〉 : not so , I hope , said the 〈◊〉 , it cannot be , for I am sure shee was aliue since you came into the house : That may be quoth the 〈◊〉 , but then I am sure 〈◊〉 you kild her when she was 〈◊〉 , shee would neuer stinke so else . ( 7 ) AN excéeding tall Gentlewoman was riding behind a very short little man , so that the mans head reached no higher then her breast , which the afore-said 〈◊〉 perceiuing , said , Madam you will ride a great deale better , if you put your legge 〈◊〉 that same pummell of your saddle . Another time he chanced to méete a Lady of his acquaintance , and asked her how she did , and how her good 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 ; at which word she wept , saying , that her Husband was in heauen ; in 〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , it is the 〈◊〉 time that I 〈◊〉 of it , 〈◊〉 I am 〈◊〉 for it with all my heart . ( 8 ) ONce the said 〈◊〉 saw a 〈◊〉 that had a Iack Daw to sell : Sirra quoth he what wilt thou take for thy daw ? 〈◊〉 ( said the 〈◊〉 ) the price of my Daw is two French Crownes . Wherefore ( said the other ) dost thou aske so much for him ? the fellow replyed , that the Daw could speake French , Italian , Spanish , Dutch and Latine ; all which tongues hee will speake after he is a little acquainted in your Lordships house : Well quoth hee , bring thy Daw in , and there is thy money . In conclusion , Iack Daw ( after a moneth or fiue 〈◊〉 time ) neuer spake otherwise then his father 〈◊〉 Kaw Kaw : whereat the 〈◊〉 said , that the Knaue had cozened him of his money ; but it is no matter , there is no great 〈◊〉 in it : for quoth hee , though my Daw doe not speake yet I am in good hope that he thinkes the more . ( 9 ) ANother time hee commanded his man to buy some swéet thing to burne in his Chamber , for ( quoth he ) my 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 . 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 in a paper , and 〈◊〉 hee was going for fire , his master tasted of it , and finding it sticke in his téeth , and rellish very bitter , he called his man cozening knaue , that would bring him such bitter trash for his money ; and straight wayes commanded 〈◊〉 to buy a pound of the best sugar , and burne it straight to swéeten and perfume his Chamber . ( 10 ) THis Gallant in his youth was much addicted to dicing , and many times when hee had lost all his money , then hee would pawne his cloake , and so goe home without either cloake or coyne , which grieued the Lady his mother very much : for remedy whereof , she caused all his doublets ( of what stuffe soeuer ) to bee made with 〈◊〉 painted backes , whereon was fashioned 2 fooles , which caused the gentleman euer after to kéepe his cloake on his backe , for feare two of the thrée should bee discouered . ( 11 ) VVIll Backstead the Player cast his Chamber-lye out of his window in the night , which chanced to light vpon the heads of the watch passing by ; who angerly said , who is that offers vs this abuse ? Why , 〈◊〉 Will , who is there ? Who is here , said one of the pickled watchmen , we are the Watch. The Watch , quoth William , why my friends you know , Harme watch , harme catch . ( 12 ) A Cardinall of Rome had a goodly 〈◊〉 house new built , but the broken bricks , tiles , sand , lime , stones , and sush rubbish as are commonly the remnants of such buildings lay confusedly in heaps and scattered here and there : The Cardinall demanded of his Suruayor wherefore the rubbish was not conueyed away : The Suruayor said ; that he purposed to hyre an hundred carts for the purpose . The Cardinall replyed , that the charge of Carts might be saued , for a pit might digged in the ground and bury it . My Lord , sayd the Suruayor , I pray you what shall we 〈◊〉 with the earth which we digge out of the said pit ? Why you horseson 〈◊〉 , said the Cardinall , 〈◊〉 thou not dig the pit 〈◊〉 enough , and bury all together . ( 13 ) A Poore Country man praying 〈◊〉 Superstitious before an olde Image of S. Loy , the Image suddenly fell downe vpon the poore man , and bruised his bones sorely , that he could not stirre abroad in a 〈◊〉 after ; in which space the cheating Priests 〈◊〉 set 〈◊〉 a new Image : the country man came to the Church againe , and 〈◊〉 a 〈◊〉 off , to the new Image , saying , Although thou smilest and lookest faire vpon me yet thy father plaid me such a knauish pranke lately , that I le beware how I 〈◊〉 too neere thee , lest thou shouldest haue any of thy Fathers vnhappy qualities . ( 14 ) A 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 ten 〈◊〉 in suit of Law , had a triall at 〈◊〉 , where the 〈◊〉 went on her side ; wherevpon 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 presently 〈◊〉 her 〈◊〉 by 〈◊〉 some of her néerest tenants & 〈◊〉 to supper ; amongst whom was a plaine downe right countrey 〈◊〉 , to whom the Lady sayd , 〈◊〉 , I thinke I haue tickled my aduersary now , though it were long first , I trow hee will make no brags of his medling with me . The honest 〈◊〉 replyed , Truely Madam I did euer thinke what it would come to at last , for I knew when he first medled with your 〈◊〉 , that he had a wrong Sow by the 〈◊〉 . ( 15 ) ONe asked a 〈◊〉 what the Westminster Hall was like ; Marry , quoth the other , it is like a Butlers Box at Christmas amongst 〈◊〉 , for whosoeuer loseth , the Box will be sure to bee a winner . ( 16 ) A Proper Gentlewoman went to 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 a rich 〈◊〉 that had more gowt then good manners , at her taking leaue hee requested her to tast a cup of Canara : She ( contrary to his expectation ) tooke him at his 〈◊〉 , and thanked him . Hee commanded Ieffrey Starueling his man to wash a glasse , and fill it to the Gentlewoman . Honest 〈◊〉 fild a great glasse about the bignesse of two Taylors thimbles , and gaue it to his master , who kist it to saue cost , and gaue it to the Gentlewoman , saying 〈◊〉 it was good Canara of sixe yeares old at the least , to whom shee an swered , ( séeing the quantitie so small ) sir , as you requested me , I haue tasted your wine , but I wonder that it should be so little , being of such a great age . ( 17 ) A Souldier vpon his march found a horse-shooe , and stucke it at his girdle , where passing through a wood , some of the enemy lay in 〈◊〉 , and one of them discharged his musket , and the shot by fortune light against the fellowes horse-shooe . A ha , 〈◊〉 . he , I perceiue that little armor will serue a mans turne , if it bee put on in the right place . ( 18 ) ONe being in a 〈◊〉 with his friend , looking out at the window , he saw one riding on a horse in the stréet , said he , do you sée that horse ? yea , 〈◊〉 . the other : then said he , you may sweare you haue séene the best hors in England : how do you know that said the other ? I know it well , said he , for it is my horse , and I am sure that he is the best , and yet I 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 that I haue one in my stable worth ten of him . ( 19 ) AN vnhappy boy that kept his fathers 〈◊〉 in the country , did vse to cary a payre of Cards in his pocket , and méeting with boyes as good as himselfe , would fall to Cards at the Cambrian game of Whip-her-ginny , or English one and thirtie ; at which sport he would some daies lose a shéepe or two : for which if his father corrected him , hee ( in reuenge ) would driue the shéepe home at night ouer a narrow bridge , where some of them falling besides the bridge , were drowned in the swift brooke . The old man being wearied with his vngracious dealing , complained to a Iustice , thinking to afright him from doing any more the like . In briefe , before the 〈◊〉 the youth was brought , where ( vsing small reuerence , and lesse 〈◊〉 , ) the Iustice said to him , Sirrah , you are a notable villaine , you play at Cards , and lose your fathers shéepe at one and thirty . The boy replyed , that it was a lye . A lye , quoth the Iustice , you saucy knaue , dost thou giue me the 〈◊〉 No , qd the boy I gaue not you the lye , but you told me the lye , for I neuer lost Shéepe at one and thirty , for when my game was one and thirty I allwayes wonne . Indéede , said the Iustice , thou saist true , but I haue another accusation 〈◊〉 thée , which is , that you driue 〈◊〉 fathers shéepe ouer a narrow bridge , where some of them are oftentimes drowned : That 's a lye too , quoth the 〈◊〉 , for 〈◊〉 that goe ouer the bridge are well enough , it is onely those that fall beside : which are drowned : Whereto the Iustice said to the boyes father . Old man , thou 〈◊〉 brought in to false accusations against thy 〈◊〉 , for he neuer lost shéepe at one and thirty , nor were there euer any drowned that went ouer the bridge . ( 20 ) A Quiblet . A 〈◊〉 passing through a roome where a Woman was 〈◊〉 a buck of clothes , but hee thinking shée had béene 〈◊〉 , saw a dish , and dipped some small 〈◊〉 of the Lye , which he supposing to 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , dranke vp , and 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 to 〈◊〉 , spt , 〈◊〉 , and spaule : the 〈◊〉 asked him 〈◊〉 hée 〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉 told her , and called her some 〈◊〉 names , saying , he had swallowed Lye , Nay then I cannot blame you to be angry , for you being a Souldier and a Captaine , it must 〈◊〉 trouble your stomake to swallow the Lye. ( 21 ) A Country fellow ( that had not walked much in stréets that were paued ) came to London , where a dog came 〈◊〉 out of a house , and furiously ran 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 stooped to take vp a 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 the Dogge , and finding them all 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 or paued in the ground ; 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉 strange Country am I in , 〈◊〉 the 〈◊〉 tye vp the 〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉 let the dogs loose . ( 22 ) AN honest Mayor of a Towne , being all Mercy and no Iustice , louing ease and quietnesse , and vnwilling to commit any offence or offender , one said of him that hée was like the herbe Iohn in a pottag pot , for that herbe did not giue any taste at all either good or bad , but an excellent 〈◊〉 : so the Mayor did neither good nor harme , but ( as an image of a Mayors authority ) filled vp the roome . ( 23 ) A Iustice of the Peace , being angry with a pilfering Knaue , said , Sirrah , if thou dost not mend thy manners , thou wilt be shortly 〈◊〉 , or else I will bee hauged for thée . The bold knaue replyed , I thanke your worship for that kind offer , and I beséech your worship not to bee out of the way when I shall haue occasion so vse you . ( 24 ) CErtaine Iustices of the Peace being informed of the odious abuses daily committed by drunkennesse in their Iurisdictions , did according to their places and duties , méet at a market towne , and sate two dayes , hearing informations , and working reformations : at last they concluded that the Ale and Béere were too strong , and therefore commanded that from thence forth smaller drinke should bée brewed , whereby these vnruly people might sometimes goe to bed sober . But one mad tospot fellow being much grieued at this order , hauing made himselie half pot-shaken , without feare or wit came to the Iustices , and asked them if they had sate two dayes about the brewing of small drink : to whom one of the Iustices replyed , yes : Why then quoth the 〈◊〉 , I pray you sit thrée dayes more to know who shall drinke it , for I will none of it . ( 25 ) THere was a Scottish Gentleman that had sore eyes , who was counselled by his Physitians to forbeare drinking of wine : but hee said hee neither could nor would forbeare it , maintaining it for the lesser suill , to shut vp the windowes of his body , then to suffer 〈◊〉 house to fall downe , through want of reparations . ( 26 ) VPon the death of Queene Elizabeth , there was a Mayor of a Country Towne sitting in consultation with his Brethren : to whom hee grauely said , My Brethren and Neighours , I 〈◊〉 heare that the Quéene is dead , wherefore I thought it excéeding 〈◊〉 we should despaire to this place , that being dissembled together , we might consult of our estates , for I doubt 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 shalt haue another Queene or a King , and I stand in great feare that the people will be vnrude , so that wée shall bée in danger of strange Resurrection , ( 27 ) ANother Mayor that was on hunting , ( by chance ) one asked him how hée liked the Cry : a pox take the Doggs , saith he , they make such a bawling that I cannot heare the Cry. ( 28 ) AN old Iustice was fast a sléepe on the Bench when a 〈◊〉 Malefactor was iudged to bee hanged ; at which word the Iustice suddenly awaked , and said to the Théefe , My friend , I pray let this bee a warning to you , looke you doe so no more , for wee doe not show euery man the like fauour . ( 29 ) AN old Recorder of a City in this Land was busie with a Country Mayor , in the meane space they were interrupted by a fellow that was brought before him for killing of a man : my Lord asked the fellowes name , who answered , his name was Gilman . Said my Lord , take away G , and thy name is Ilman put K to it , thy name is Kilman , and put to Sp and thy name is Spilman , thou art halfe hang'd already ( as the prouerbe sayes : ) for thou hast au ill name , let a man vary it how he can . The Mayor all this while stood by musing at my Lords canuasing the mans name , and afterward being at home among his owne good people , hée had an offender brought before him for getting a Wench with child : Master Mayor asked him his name : the fellow said , if it please your worship my name is Iohnson . Then Master Mayor ( striuing to Imitate my Lord ) said , take away G and thy name is Ilman , put K to it , it is Kilman , put Sp to it , and thy name is Spilman , thou art a knaue , thou hast an ill name , and 〈◊〉 shalt bée hanged , &c. ( 30 ) A Quiblet . MAster Field the Player riding vp Fleetstreet , a great pace , a Gentleman called him , and asked him what play was playd that day : he ( being angry to be 〈◊〉 vpon so friuolous a demand ) answered , that he might see what play was to bée playd vpon euery Poste , I cry you mercy ( said the Gentleman ) I tooke you for a Poste , you road so fast ( 31 ) ONe being 〈◊〉 vexed with the spirit of iealousie , came suddenly into his house , and found a man ( whom he suspected ) some what too busie with his wife ; to whom he said , Now good fellow I thanke thée , for thou hast cured mee of a strange hellish torment ; my suspition is cleared , and apparent knowledge hath giuen mee such ease of heart , that I will be iealous no more . ( 32 ) A Skilfull Painter was requested to paint out a faire Courtezan ( in plaine English a Whore ) I pray you spare that 〈◊〉 , said the Painter , for if shee bee a right whore she daily paints her selfe . ( 33 SEigneur Valdrino ( pay-master to the Campe of Alphonsus King of Aragon ) a man exquisite in courtship and complement ; as two or thrée were at strife laying wagers what Countryman he was , a blunt bold Captaine asked what was the matter : why Captaine , said one , 〈◊〉 are laying a wager what Countryman my L. Treasurer Valdrino is : Oh said the Captaine , I can tell you that , I am sure he was borne in the land of Promise , for I haue serued the King in his 〈◊〉 these seuen yeers without pay , and euer when I petition to my Lord , he payes me with no coine but promises , which makes mee halfe assured that he is that countryman . ( 34 A Nobleman of France ( as he was riding ) met with a yeoman of the country , to whom he said , My friend I should know thée , I doe remember I haue often seene thée : My good Lord , said the Countryman , I am one of your Houors poore tenants , and my name is T. 1. I remember thée better now ( said my Lord ) there were 2 brothers of you , but one is dead , I pray which of you doth remaine aliue ? ( 35 ) THe 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 man hauing had a 〈◊〉 that was blind , play to him after supper 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 late , at last he arose , and commanded one of his seruants to light the 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 : to whom the 〈◊〉 said my Lord , the Harper is blind : 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , quoth my Lord , he 〈◊〉 the more 〈◊〉 of light . ( 36 ) A Young fellow 〈◊〉 himselfe the richest 〈◊〉 in England : to whom his Mother 〈◊〉 very angerly , you foolish 〈◊〉 boy , why 〈◊〉 thou desire such a wish , hath not 〈◊〉 own Father enough in store for thee ? ( 37 ) A 〈◊〉 Rampant , made her husband a 〈◊〉 Dormant , with a front Cressant , surprised by the watch Guardant , brought to the Iustice 〈◊〉 , with her play-fellow 〈◊〉 , after a coursie Couchant ; the Iustice told her that her offence was haynous , in breaking the bonds of matrimony in that adulterate manner , and that she should consider that her husband was her Head : Good sir , quoth shee , I did euer acknowledge him so ; and I hope it is no such great fault in me , for I was but trimming , dressing , or 〈◊〉 my Head. ( 38 ) A Man being very sickely , one said to his wife , I maruell your husband doth not weare a night-cap . Truely ( quoth 〈◊〉 ) within this sixe monthes that my husband hath béen sicke , although his legs be shrunk , yet he hath outgrowne all his night-caps . ( 39 ) A 〈◊〉 , whose mother was noted to bee one not ouerloden with honesty , went to seeke his Godfather , and enquiring for him , quoth one to him , who is thy Godfather : the boy reply'd his name is goodman Digland the Gardiner : Oh said the man , if he be thy Godfather he is at the next Ale-house : but I feare thou takest Gods name in vaine . ( 40 ) A Scholler riding from Cambridge towards London , his horse being tyred , ( a lazy disease often befalling such hacknies ) met a Poste on the way , who notwithstanding he did what he could to make his horse giue him place , by 〈◊〉 , switch , and bridle , yet the Poste was 〈◊〉 to giue him the way : to whom ( in anger ) he said , Thou paltry fellow , dost thou not sée I am a Poste ? The Scholler straight replyed , And thou ignorant fellow , 〈◊〉 thou not sée that I ride vpon a Poste . ( 41 ) A Fellow hauing more drinke then wit , in a 〈◊〉 euening made a foolish vow to take the wall of as many as hée met betwixt the Temple-bar and Charing crosse , and comming néere the Sauoy , where stood a Poste a little distance from the wall : the drunkard tooke it for a man , and would haue the wall , beginning to quarrell and giue the Poste foule words : at which a man came by , and asked the matter , and whom he spake to : he answered hee would 〈◊〉 the wall of that fellow that stood so stifly there : my friend said the other , that is a Poste , you must giue him the way : Is it so , said the fellow , a 〈◊〉 vpon 〈◊〉 , why did he not blow his horne ? ( 42 ) A Saylor being on a tired horse , riding 〈◊〉 Douer to London , his company prayd him to ride faster : to whom hee answered , I can come no faster , 〈◊〉 you 〈◊〉 sée that I am be calm'd ? ( 43 ) TWo Gentlemen were 〈◊〉 , and one of them cast away the others hat ; but the other catcht his hat off , and put it on his owne head : now fie , fie , quoth tho other , thou spoylest my hat : wherewith said the other ? Marry ( said hee that was bareheaded ) thou spoy lest my hat with putting a Calues head into it . ( 44 ) The figure Conuersion . IF a Uintner doth draw me good wine vpon money or credit , then he is fitter to draw then hang : but if hée draw mee bad wine for good money , then he is much fitter to hang then to draw . ( 45 ) A Man hauing beene with a Doctor of Physicke to haue his aduise about 〈◊〉 griefe he had ; when he came home his wife asked him what newes ? Marry , said hee , my Physitian doth counsell mee to drinke Asses milke euery morning fasting : Why husband , quoth the Woman , I pray you tell me , doth master Doctor giue suck ? ( 46 ) A Braue and valiant Captaine , whom I could name , had a scarse giuen him here in England , and he sayling ouer into the Low Countries , an old 〈◊〉 Catholike Lady of his acquaintance , was very importunate to beg his scarfe of him : the Captaine asked her what shee would 〈◊〉 with it , and said , it was not fit for her wearing . She answered him , that if he would giue it her , that Iesus Christ should weare it in the Church vpon holy dayes , meanning the Image , Madam , said the Captaine , if you will bringe me word that euer his father wore such a scarfe , then I will giue you this for him . ( 47 ) BEtwéene the houres of twelue and 〈◊〉 at noone , one asked me what it was a clocke : I answered him , it was little or no thing . He demaunded of me what I 〈◊〉 by my answer ? I reply'd , that it being not one of the clocke , it was to bee reckned or counted for nought , for that which is lesser then one , is little or nothing . ( 48 ) A Gentlewoman cheapned a close 〈◊〉 in Pauls Church-yard , and the shopkéeper did aske her to much money for it , as she thought , Why mistris , said he , I pray you consider what a good locke and key it hath : Shée replyed , that shee had small vse for 〈◊〉 locke or key , for 〈◊〉 purposed to put nothing into it , but what 〈◊〉 cared not who stole out . ( 49 ) A Countrey woman at an Asses was to take her oath against a party ; the said party 〈◊〉 the Iudge that her 〈◊〉 might not be taken ; the Iudge demanded why hee excepted against 〈◊〉 my Lord ( quoth he ) shée is a Recusant or Romane Catholique , and they hold it no matter of conscience to sweare any thing against vs. Come hither woman , said the 〈◊〉 , I doe not thinke thou art a 〈◊〉 , I am perswaded that for forty shillings thou 〈◊〉 swear the Pope is a knaue : Good my Lord , said shee , the Pope is a stranger to me , but if I knew him as well as I know your Lordship , I would sweare for halfe the money . ( 50 ) A Cardinall kept a knauish foole for his recreation , to whom hee said , Sirrah foole , suppose that all the world were dead but thou and I , and that one of vs should be turned to a Horse , and the other of vs to an Asse , say which of these two wouldest thou choose to bee ? The foole answered , Sir , you are my master , and for that 〈◊〉 it is fit that your worship should choose first , and I will be contented to take that which you leaue . Why then said the Cardinall , I would be a horse : no said the foole , let me intreat your worship to be an Asse , for I would be an Asse to chuse of al things : why quoth the Cardinall ? marry , said the foole because that I haue knowne many Asses come to bee 〈◊〉 , but I néuer knew any horse come to the like 〈◊〉 . ( 51 ) A Graue discréet Gentleman hauing a comely wife , whose beauty and frée behauiour did 〈◊〉 her honesty into suspition , by whom he had a 〈◊〉 almost at mans estate , of very dissolute and wauton cariage : I muse , said one , that a man of such stayd and moderate grauity should haue a sonne of such a contrary and froward disposition . Sir , 〈◊〉 another , the reason is that his pate is stuffed with his mothers wit , that there is no roome for any of his fathers wisedome : besides the 〈◊〉 of her heeles is gotten into her sonnes braines . ( 52 ) A Rich Grasier dwelling 150 miles from Oxford , hauing a sonne that had seuen yeares beene a student there , at last sent for him home , to whom he said , Sonne I doe heare that you are well practised in the rudiments of learning , but that withall you are addicted to an idle veine of the poore and thréedbare art of Poetry ; which I charge thee to leaue and auoid , as thou 〈◊〉 my fauour . for my mind is not to haue thée liue beggerly , and dye poorely ; yet I will aske 〈◊〉 one Poetical question , which is . Wherefore thinkest thou that so beautifull a creature as Venus , was so besotted to match her selfe with so ill fauoured a knaue as Vulcan : In truth 〈◊〉 , quoth the young man , I can yéeld you no reason for it , but I wonder at it ; and yet I doe admire as much wherfore my mother maried with you . ( 53 ) A Man going with his Wife by a déepe riuer side , began to talke of Cockolds , and withall hee 〈◊〉 that euery Cuckold were cast into the riuer : to whom his wife replyes , husband I pray you learne to swimme . ( 54 ) A Man riding through a village with his dogge tunning by him , which dogges name was called Cuckold , leaping and frisking into euery house he past by where the 〈◊〉 was 〈◊〉 : whereupon the man being afraid his dog would bee lost , calls and whistles , here , here , Cuckold ; to whom an old woman said , whom dost thou miscall ? I would haue thée know that no cuckold doth dwell in this house . Good Woman , said the man , you mistake me , I doe call no body but my dog ; Now out vpon thée thou misbeléeuing kuaue , said shee , where learnedst thou that manners to call a dog by a christen bodies name . ( 55 ) A Lusty Miller that in his younger daies had béene much giuen to the flesh and the deuill ; so that not one pretty maid or female seruant did or could bring grist to his Mill to be grownd , but the knaue 〈◊〉 would doe his best to vndermine and blow vp their chastity , and withall hée would bargain with as many as his temptations ouercame , that at his day of mariage euery one of them should giue him a Cake . In processe of time the Miller was married , and those foresaid 〈◊〉 - hearted Wenches sent each one their cakes , to the number of 99. His wife the bride , who also went for a maid , did muse and aske what was the meaning of so many Cakes ? The miller told her the truth of all without any dissembling : to whom his wife answered , If I had beene so wise in bargaining as you haue beeue in your time , the young men of my acquaintance would haue sent me 100 cheeses to 〈◊〉 with your cakes . This bawdy Miller in a trap was catcht , Nor onely married , but most fitly matcht : In this the prouerb is approued plaine , What bread men breake is broke to them againe . ( 56 ) THere was a faire ship of two hundred tuns lying at the Tower wharfe at london , where a Conntryman passing by most earnestly looked on the said ship , and demanded how old she was : one made answer that she was a yeare old . Good Lord blesse me , said the Countryman , is shee so big 〈◊〉 in one yeare , what a greatnesse will she be by that time she comes to my age . This mans blind ignorance I may compare To Aquavitae giuen to a Mare : Let each man his owne calling then apply , Ne sutor vltra crepidam , say I. ( 57 TWelue Schollers riding together , one of them said , my masters let vs ride faster : Why , quoth another , me thinks we ride a good pace , 〈◊〉 warrant it is foure mile an houre . Alas said the first , what is foure mile an houre amongst all vs. Let not man boast of wit or learning deepe , For ignorance may out of knowledge creep A mongst 12 men 4 mile an houre to ride . He that hath wit to each his share diuide . ( 58 ) AN Apprentice in the market did aske the price of an hundred Oysters : his friend perswaded him not to buy them , for they were too small ; too small reply'd the Prentice , there is not much losse in that for I shall haue the more to the hundred . If vp the hill a measur'd mile it be , Then downe the hill's another mile , I see : A groat to pay , 4 pence will quit the cost . What 's won in t'hundred , in the shire is lost . ( 59 ) SIx Gentlemen riding together , were in doubt that they were out of their way , wherefore they rode a flight-shot to an old shepheard , one of them enquiring of him if that were the way to such a towne , and how far it was thither . Sir , quoth the Shepheard , that is the right way , and you haue six miles thither . Quoth one of the Gentlemen , What a lying old knaue art thou , it cannot bee aboue foure miles : the Shepheard replyde , Sir you offer like a chapman , and you shall haue it for foure miles , but I le assure you it shall cost euery one of these Gentlemen six miles before they come thither . Here rashnes did the Gallāts tongue oreslip , To whō the Shepheard gaue a pleasing nip : Thus softest fire doth make the sweetest Mault , And mild reproofes makes rashnesse see his fault . ( 60 ) A Man was very angry with his mayd , because his eggs were boyled too hard : truely , said she , I haue made them boyle a long houre , but the next you haue shall boyl 2 houres but they shall be tender enough . The boyling of this wenches eggs I find Much like vnto a greedy mizers mind : The egs the more they boyle are harder still The mizer's full , too full ; yet wants his fill . ( 61 ) TWo learned good . fellowes drinking a pipe of Tobacco , it being almost outthat he that drunke last did partly feele the ashes to come hot to his lippes ; giuing the pipe to his friende , said , Ashes to ashes : the other taking the pipe and ( being of a quick apprehension , threw it out to the dunghill saying , Earth to earth . Thus wit with wit agrees like cake & cheese Both sides are gainers , neither side doth lese 〈◊〉 begets conceit , iest , iest doth father And butter falne to 〈◊〉 , doth somthing gather , ( 62 ) ONe sayd a Citizen was a man all in earnest , and in no part like a iest , because the Citizen was neuer bad , or the iest neuer good till they were both broke , What 's one mans yea , may be anothers nay , The Sun doth soften wax , and harden clay : Some Citizens are like to iests , for why , They 'll breake in iest , or bankrupt policy . ( 63 ) A Gallant with a galloping wit , was mounted vpon a running horse toward a Towne named Tame , within ten miles of Oxford , and riding at full spéed , he met an old man , and asked him , Sirrah is this the way to Tame ? yes sir , he replyde , your Horse , I le warrant you , if he were as wild as the deuill . This is a ridle to a foole , me thinks , And seemes to want an Oedipus or Sphinx , But 〈◊〉 , in my booke I hold it fit , To find you lines , your selfe must find you wit. ( 64 ) A Complementall Courtier that in his French , Italian , and Spanish cringes , 〈◊〉 , and curtelies , would bend his body , and bow euery way like a tumbler , a Mercere seruant espying his marmositicall 〈◊〉 , said , Oh if my master could haue bowed but halfe so much ; I am certainly perswaded that he had neuer broke . Too much of one thing oft proues good for nothing , And dainties in satiety , breeds loathing : Th'ones flattery mingled with the others pride , Had seru'd them both , both might line long vnspide . ( 65 ) I My selfe gaue a booke to King Iames once in the great Chamber at Whitehall as his Maiesty came from the Chappell , the Duke of Richmond said merrily vnto me , Taylor where did you learne the manners to giue the King a book and not knéel ? My Lord , said I , if it please your Grace , I doe giue now , but when I beg any thing then I will kneele . Be it to all men by these presents knowne , Men need not kneel to giue away there own I le stand vpon my feet when as I giue , And kneele when as I beg more meanes to liue , But some by this may vnderstand . That Courtiers 〈◊〉 kneele then stand . ( 66 ) THe trayned souldiers of a certaine Shire which I could name , to the number of 6000 , as they were mnstring and drilling vnder their seuerall captaine , a yeomans sonne being there as a raw soldier in his corslet , his father standing by said , I vaith it does me much good at harte to zee how trim a vellow my zonne is in his hardnesse . The young fellow hearing his fathers commendations of him , began very desperately to shake his pike , and looking exceeding grim , with a 〈◊〉 horrible terrible countenance , said , O vather , chad lather nor a groat that all wee had but one Spainard here . One Spainard mongst 6000 , pitty t' were , Better ten thousand Britains bold were ther Led by braue Leaders , that might make Spain e quake , Like Vere , or Morgan , Essex , Blunt , or Drake . ( 67 ) ONe said that he could neuer haue his health in Cambridge , and that 〈◊〉 hee had liued there till this time , he thought in his conscience that hee had dyed 7 yeares agoe . I will not say the man that spake so lyed , Seuē years ago , no doubt , he might haue di'd He by his trade perhaps might be a dyer , And daily dy'd to liue , and bin no lyer . ( 68 ) A Country fellow was much grieued that hée had not gone seuen miles to a market towne to haue seene the 〈◊〉 : Why , said his wife , it is too far to goe and come in a day to sée such bables , especially t is too great a iourney on foot . O quoth hee , I could haue gone thither with my neigbour Hobson on foot , like a foole as I was , and I might haue rid backe vpon my neghbour Iobsons mare , like an asse as I am . Thus in the preter tense a foole he was , And in the present tense he is an Asse ; And in the future , foole and asse shall be , That goes or rides so far such sights to see . ( 69 ) THere was a 〈◊〉 young Scholler preferred to a 〈◊〉 in the Country , and commonly on Sundayes and holydaies after euening prayer he would haue a dozen bouts at 〈◊〉 with the 〈◊〉 youths in his parish : The Bishop of the Diocesse hearing of it , sent for the parson , telling him that this beséemed not his profession and grauity , and if that hee did not desist from that 〈◊〉 kind of exercise , he would vnbenefice him ; Good my Lord , sayd the person ) I beséech you to conceiue rightly of me , and I doubt not but my playing 〈◊〉 will be accounted tollerable , for I doe it 〈◊〉 purpose to 〈◊〉 the ruder sort of my people : How so , said the Bishop ; Marry my Lord ( quoth the Parson ) whatsoeuer I doe teach them at morning and euening prayer , I doe heat soundly into their 〈◊〉 at cudgels afterward , for their better remembrance . I wish that all the Fencers in our nation , Were onely of this Parsons congregation : That he his life and doctrine should explain By beating them , whilst they beat him againe . ( 70 ) A Iudge vpon the Bench did aske an old man how old he was : My Lord , said he , I am eight and fourescore : And why not fourescore and eight , said the Iudge : the other replyde , because I was eight before I was fourescore . Eight's before eighty , all men may descry , Yet we name eighty first , contrarily : Pull off my Boots and Spurs , I you beseech . when Spurs & Boots is rather 〈◊〉 speech ( 71 ) A Fellow made his boast that hee rode 220 miles with one horse and neuer drew bit : that may be quoth another ) perhaps you rid him with a halter . The prouerb saies , he that will swear wil lie , He that will lye will steale by consequency : Swearers are lyers , lyars most are theeues , Or God helpe Iaylors , & true Vndershrieues . ( 72 ONe saw a decayed Gentleman in a very thréed bare cloake , sayd to him , Sir you haue a very watchfull cloake on : Why said the poore Gentleman the other answered , I doe not 〈◊〉 it had a good nap this seuen yeares : the Gentleman replyed , and truly sir me thinkes you want a nap as well as my cloke , for you talke idlely for want of sleepe . The Prodigall at Pouerty doth scoffe , Though from his backe the begger 's not farre off , Here flout with flout , and bob with bob is quitted , And proud vainglorions folly finely fitted ( 73 ) A Diligent and learned Preacher on a 〈◊〉 in the afternoone was preaching , whilst most of the zealous 〈◊〉 men ( for their meaner edification ) were fast a 〈◊〉 in 〈◊〉 pues : in the meane space a young childe cryed somewhat aloud at the lower end of the church , which the Preacher hearing , called to the Nurse , and said , Nurse , I pray thée still thy childe , or else it may chance to awaken some of the best men in our parish . Men sleepe at Sermons , sure their braines are adle , Sly Satan lulls them , and doth rocke the cradle : When men thus doe no ill , t is vnderstood , The deuill hinders them from doing good . ( 74 ) A Chorister or singing man at seruice in a Cathedrall Church , was fast asleepe when all his fellowes were singing , which the Deane espying , sent a boy to him to waken him , and aske him why he did not sing ? he being suddenly awaked , prayed the boy to thanke master Deane for his kind remembrance , and to tell him that he was as merry as those that did sing . They say he 's wise that can himselfe keepe warme , And that the man that sleepes well thinkes no harme , He sung not , yet was in a merry 〈◊〉 , Like Iohn Indifferent , did not harme nor good . ( 75 ) A Kind of clownish gentleman had halfe a Brawne sent him against Christmas , he very illiberally gaue the Seruing man halfe a shilling that brought it : the Seringman gaue the Porter that carried it eight pence before the 〈◊〉 face . 〈◊〉 , said he , are you so prodigall to reward the Porter with eight pence , when I giue you but sixe pence , thou bearest the mind of a prodigall Gallant , although by thy foot thou seemest 〈◊〉 clowne : Good sir , said the fellow , I confesse I haue a very clownish lubberly payre of féet , but yet I am perswaded that a payre of your worships shooes would fit them well . Here 's Bore and Brawn together are wel met He knew that giuing was no way to get , The world gets somwhat 〈◊〉 the 〈◊〉 , When as the 〈◊〉 gets the deuill and all . ( 76 ) A Griping extortiouer that had béene a maker of beggers for the space of forty yeares , and by raising rents and oppression , had vndone many families , 〈◊〉 on a time in anger to a poore fellow that had 〈◊〉 a 〈◊〉 of his , 〈◊〉 villane , 〈◊〉 thou rob me , I vow and sweare there is not so damned a rogue in the world as thou : to 〈◊〉 the fellow answered , I beséech your good worship remember your selfe , and be good to mee for Gods sake , and for your owne sake . This Rascals eye is with a beame so blind , That in the poore mans he a moat can find : The wolfe himself , a temperate feeder deems And euery man too much himselfe esteems . ( 77 ) A Seruingman and his mistris was landing at the Whitefryars stayers , the stayers being very bad , a waterman offered to helpe the woman , saying . Giue me your hand Gentlewoman I le help you : to whom her man replyed , you 〈◊〉 fellow place your words right , my mistris is 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , she is a Lady . All is not gold ( they say ) that glisters bright Snow is not suger , though it look as white : And t is approued to be true and common , That euery Lady 's not a Gentlewoman . ( 78 ) A Seruingman going in hast in London , ( minding his 〈◊〉 more then his way ) a Gallant iustled him from the wall almost into the kennell : the fellow turned about , and asked the Gentleman why he did tustle him so ? the Gentleman said , Because he would not giue the wall to asawcy knaue . The Seruingman replyed , your worship is not of my mind , for I will. Here Pride that takes Humility in snuffe , Is well encountred with a couuterbuffe : One would not giue the wall vnto a Knaue , The other would , and him the wall he gaue . ( 79 ) A Iustice of the Peace was very angry with a country 〈◊〉 because 〈◊〉 came not to him at 〈◊〉 sending for him ; and after hee had 〈◊〉 bestowed two or thrée dozen of knaues vpon him , hee sayd to him ; Sirrah , I will make you know that the proudest saucy 〈◊〉 that dwels vnder my command shall come before we when I send for him . I beseech your worship , said the man , to pardon me , for 〈◊〉 was afraid : afraid of what , said the Iustice ? of your worship , answered , the fellow . Of mée , said the 〈◊〉 ? why wast thou afraid of ma ? Because your worship lookes so like a Lyon , sayd the man : a Lyon quoth the Iustice ? when didst thou sée a Lyon ? may it please your worship ( the fellow replyde ) I saw a Butcher bring one but yesterday to 〈◊〉 market , with a white face , and his foure legs bound . This fellow was a knaue , or foole , or both , Or else his wit was of but slender growth : He gaue the whitfac'd Calfe the Lyons stile the Iustice was a proper man the while . ( 80 ) DIuers Gentlemen being merry together , at last one of their accquaintance came to them ( whose name was Sampson ) A ha , said one of them , 〈◊〉 may be securely merry , no Sergant or Bailiffe dare touch vs , for if a thousand Philistims come , here is Sampson , who is able to brain them all : to whom Shampson replyde . Sir I may boldly venture against so many as you speake of , prouided , that you will lend me one of your Iaw-bones . ( 81 ) TWo Playsterers being at worke for me at my 〈◊〉 in Southwarke , did many times patch or dawbe out part of their dayes lobour with prating , which I being digging in my garden did ouerheare , that their chat was of their wiues , and how that if I were able ( quoth one ) my wife shoule ride in pompe through London , as I saw a Countesse ride yesterday : why quoth the other , how did she ride I pray ? Marry , said he , in state , in her horslitter : O base , quoth the other , Horslitter , I protest as poore a man as I am , I would haue allowed my wife a thréepeny trust of clean straw : ( 82 ) SIr Edward Dier came to the Tower on some businesse iust at the time as the Gate was newly shut , and the Warders going away with the keyes , hee looking through the gate called to one of them , saying , Hoe fellow , I pray thée open the gate and let me in : None of your fellow Sir but a poore Knaue : Why then said Sir , Edward , I pray thée poore Knaue let mee in : nay no knaue neither , quoth the 〈◊〉 . Why then said the knight , hee was a knaue that told me so . ( 83 ) ONe met his friend in the street , and told him he was very sory to see him looke so ill , asking him what he ailed : hee replyed , that hee was now well amended , but he had beene lately 〈◊〉 of the Pox : What pox , the small Pox , said his friend ? Nay , quoth the other , my mind was not so base ; for I had the 〈◊〉 Pox that I could get for my money . ( 84 ) AN honest Hostesse of mine at Oxford rosted an old shoulder of a 〈◊〉 , which in the eating was as tongh as a Buffe Ierkin : I did aske her what the reason was that the mutton was so tough : Shee said she 〈◊〉 not , except the Butcher deceiued her in the age of it , and she would tell him on both sides of his 〈◊〉 , like a knaue as he was : Nay , quoth I , I thinke there is 〈◊〉 fault in it which will excuse the Butcher , for perhaps you 〈◊〉 it with old wood : in troth quoth mine hostesse it is like enough , and my husband neuer doth other wayes , but buy old 〈◊〉 and 〈◊〉 which makes all the meat we either roast or boyle , so exceeding tough that no body can eate it . ( 85 ) ONe hearing a clock strike thrée when he thought it was not two , sayd , this Clocke is like an hypocricicall Puritane , for though he will not sweare , yet hee will lye abominably . ( 86 ) 〈◊〉 Tarleton said that hee could compare Queene Elizabeth to nothing more fittly then to a Sculler , for said hee , neither the Queene nor the Sculler hath a fellow . ( 87 ) TWo obstinate rich fellowes in Law ( that had each of them more mouey then wit ) by chance one of them comming out of Westminster Hall met with his aduersaries wife , to whom he sayd , in troth good woman I doe much pitty your case , in that it is your hard fortune that such a foole as your husband should haue so discréet and modest a wife . The woman reply'd , In truth Sir I doe grieue more that so 〈◊〉 a wife as you haue , should haue such a wrangling knaue to her husband . ( 88 ) A Poore labouring man was maried and natched to a creature that so much vsed 〈◊〉 scold waking , that she had much adoe to refrain it sleeping , so that the poore man was so batterfang'd and belabour'd with tongue mettle , that hee was weary of his life : at last foure or fiue woman that were his neighbours ( pittying his case ) came in his absence to his house to admonish and connsell his wife to a quiet behauiour towards her husband ; telling her that shee was a shame to all good woman , in her bad vsage of so honest a painfull man : the woman replyed to her neighbours , that shee thought her husband did not 〈◊〉 her which was partly the cause that shee was so froward towards him ; why ( said an old woman ) I will shew thée how thou shalt proue that he loues thee dearely ; doe thou counterfeit thy selfe dead and lye vnder the table . and one of vs will fetch thy husband , and he shall find vs heauy and grieuing for thée ; by which meanes thou shalt perceiue by his lamentation for thée how much hée loues thée : this counsell was al lowed and effected ; when the poore man came home , be hearing the matter ( being much opprest with griefe ) can vnder the table bemouing the happy losse of his most 〈◊〉 vexation , and making as though hee would kisse her , with a most louing embrace , to make all sure , he brake her necke . The 〈◊〉 pittying the mans extream passion , in compassion told him that his wife was not dead , and that all this was done but to make a triall of his loue towards her : whereupon they called her by her name , bidding her to rise , and that shee had fooled it enough with her husband : but for all their calling , shee lay still , which made one of the women to shake and iogge her , at which the woman cryed , alas she is dead indeed : why this it is quoth her husband to dissemble and 〈◊〉 with God and the world . ( 90 ) A Pantler of a Colledge in Oxford possessing some crums of Logicke and chippings of 〈◊〉 , making distribution of bread at the Schollers table , one of the Schollers , complained vnto 〈◊〉 that the bread was dow baked : Why , quoth he , so it should be , what else is the definition of bread but dough baked ? ( 91 ) A Miserable fellow in the country , did once a yeare vse to inuite his neighbours to dinner , and as they were one time sate , hee bad them welcome , saying , that there was a surloine of beefe , that the oxe it came from cost 20 pound and that there was a Capon that hee payd 2 〈◊〉 6 pence for in the market : at which a country yeoman sitting against the Capon 〈◊〉 to and cut off a leg of it , ( the 〈◊〉 of the guests being not yet past their roast beefe ) to whom the man of the house said , My friend , I pray thee eate some of this same surloyne : 〈◊〉 sir , God forbide , quoth the fellow , I am but a poore man , an oxe of 20 pound price is too deare meat , a Capon of halfe a crowne will serue my turne well enough , I thanke you . ( 92 ) A Rich man told his nephew , that he had read a booke called Lucius Apuleius , of the Golden 〈◊〉 and that hee found there how Apuleius after hee had beene an asse many yeares , by eating of 〈◊〉 he did recouer his manly shape againe , and was no more an asse : the young man replyed to his vncle , Sir , if I were worthy to aduise you , I would giue you counsell to eate a sallad of Roses once a weeke your selfe . ( 93 ) A 〈◊〉 hauing beene maried but 〈◊〉 weekes , perceiued his wife to bée great with childe , wherefore shee 〈◊〉 him to 〈◊〉 a Cradle : shortly after he went to a Faire and bought ten cradles , and being demanded why hee bought so many , hee answered , that his wife would 〈◊〉 vse for them all in one yeare . ( 94 ) A Gentleman vntrust and vnbuttoned in a cold winter morning , a friend of his told him that it was not for his health to goe so open in the raw weather , and that he mused it did not kill him to goe so oft vntrust : to whom the other replyed , Sir , you are of the mind of my Silceman , Mercer , or Taylor , for they find fault as you do because I goe so much on trust , but it is a fault I haue naturally from my parents and kindred , and my creditors tell me that I doe imitate my betters . ( 95 ) A 〈◊〉 of the peace committed a fellow to prison , and commanded him away three or foure times , but still the fellow entreated him . Sirrah ( 〈◊〉 the Iustice ) must I bid you bee gone 〈◊〉 many times , and will you not goe ? The fellow answered , Sir , if your worship had 〈◊〉 me to dinner or supper , I should in my poore manners not to haue taken your offer vnder two or thrée biddings , therefore I pray you blame me not if I looke for foure biddings to prison . ( 96 ) A Great man kept a miserable house , so that his seruants did alwayes rise from the table with empty panches , though cleane licked platters : truly , said one of his men , I thinke my Lord will worke miracles shortly , for though he practise not to raise the dead , or dispossesse 〈◊〉 deuill ; yet he goes about to feed his great family with almost nothing . ( 97 ) ONe said that Bias the Philosopher was the first Bowler ; and that euer since the most part of Bowles doe in memory of their orginall , weare his badge of remambrance , and very dutifull 〈◊〉 Bias. Now to tell you , this Bias was one of the seuen Sages or wise men of Greece . My authors to proue him the inuenter 〈◊〉 Bowling , are Shamrooke , a famous 〈◊〉 Gimnosophist in his 9 booke of 〈◊〉 and 〈◊〉 ; of which opinion Balductus the Theban 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 to bee in his third treatise of court performances : the likliest coniecture is , that it was denised as an embleme to figure out the worlds folly and inconstancie ; for though a child will ride a 〈◊〉 or staffe with an imagination that he is on horsebacke ; or make pyes of dirt or 〈◊〉 of cards , féed with 〈◊〉 spoones , and cry for 〈◊〉 péeces of bread and 〈◊〉 , which childish 〈◊〉 are ridiculous to a man : yet this wise game of Bowling doth make the fathers surpasse their children , in 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 and niost delicate dogtrickes . As first for the postures , 1 handle your Bowle : 2 adnance your Bowle : 3 charge your Bowle : 4 ayme your Bowle : 5 discharge your Bowle : 6 plye your Bowle : in which last posture of plying your 〈◊〉 , you shall perceiue many varieties and diuisions , as wringing of the necke , lifting vp of the shoulder , clapping of the hands , lying downe on one side , running after the Bowle , making long 〈◊〉 scrapes and legs ( sometimes bare-headed ) entreating him to 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 ( with pox on 't when t is too short : ) and though the bowler be a Gentleman , 〈◊〉 there hee may méet with attendant 〈◊〉 , that sometimes will be his 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 to foure , by his 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 what house hée came ; 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , because he being 〈◊〉 and gotten into some handsome shape , forgets the house he came of , suffering his betters to giue him the often salute whilest hee like 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 neither 〈◊〉 himselfe , nor will know his superiors . But I hold a mistresse to be the fittest name for it , for there are some that are commonly tearmed 〈◊〉 , which are not much better then mine aunts : and a 〈◊〉 is oftentimes a marke for euery knaue to haue a 〈◊〉 at , euery one striues to come so néere her that he would kisse 〈◊〉 : and yet some are short , some wide , and some ouer , and who so doth kisse , it may perhaps swéeten his lips , but I assure him it shall neuer fill his belly , but rather empty his purse . So much for bowling : that I feare me I haue bowled 〈◊〉 the 〈◊〉 . ( 98 ) A Minister riding into the west parts of England , happened to stay at a village on a Sunday , where hee offered kindly to bestow a sermon vpon them : which the Constable hearing , did aske the 〈◊〉 if he were licenced to preach , yēs quoth he that I am , and with that hée drew out of a box his 〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉 was in Latine , truly said the Constable I vnderstand no Latine , yet I pray you let me 〈◊〉 it , I perhaps shall picke out here and there a word : No good sir , 〈◊〉 the Minister . I will haue no words 〈◊〉 out of it , for spoyling my Licence . ( 99 ) A Clinch . A Country man being demanded how such a Riuer was called , that ranne through their Country : he answered that they neuer had 〈◊〉 to call the Riuer , for it alwayes came without calling . ( 100 ) A Fellow hauing his booke at the Sessions , was burnt in the hand , and was commanded to say God saue the King : the King , said he , God saue my Grandam , that taught me to reade , I am sure I had 〈◊〉 hanged else . ( 101 ) A toy to mocke an Ape . IN Quéene Elizabeths 〈◊〉 there 〈◊〉 a fellow that 〈◊〉 a 〈◊〉 in his hat , like a 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , with a 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 and two letters : this 〈◊〉 had a 〈◊〉 from the Lord 〈◊〉 at that 〈◊〉 to trauell with an 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 which he 〈◊〉 ; whereby hee 〈◊〉 his 〈◊〉 from time to time at markets and 〈◊〉 : his Ape 〈◊〉 alwayes 〈◊〉 vpon a 〈◊〉 dog and a man with a 〈◊〉 to attend 〈◊〉 . It happened that these foure 〈◊〉 came to a 〈◊〉 called Looe in Corwall , where the 〈◊〉 being taken , 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 went about to 〈◊〉 to the people , that at such an 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 an Ape of 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 and quality , if 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 to 〈◊〉 their time and 〈◊〉 to 〈◊〉 him : 〈◊〉 the 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , and other 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 to 〈◊〉 either 〈◊〉 or 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 Ape-tricks , so that 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 to the 〈◊〉 , to the great 〈◊〉 of 〈◊〉 an Apes 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 : 〈◊〉 collecting 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉 to 〈◊〉 to 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 vpon the 〈◊〉 , whatsoeuer came of it ; 〈◊〉 he 〈◊〉 pen , inke , and 〈◊〉 , and 〈◊〉 a warrant to the Mayor of the towne , as 〈◊〉 . These are two will and require you , and euery of you , with your wiues and families , that vpon the sight hereof you make your personall appearance before the Queenes Ape , for it is an Ape of ranke and quality , who is to be practised through her Maiesties 〈◊〉 , that by his long expetience amongst her louing subiects , he may be the better enabled to doe her Maiesty seruice hereafter ; and hereof fayle you not , as you will answere the contrary . &c. This Warrant being brought to the Mayor , he sent for a 〈◊〉 at the 〈◊〉 end of the 〈◊〉 to 〈◊〉 it : which when he heard , 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 all his 〈◊〉 , who went with him to the towne 〈◊〉 to 〈◊〉 vpon this 〈◊〉 busines . 〈◊〉 after they 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 a 〈◊〉 of an houre , no man 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉 any man knowing 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 : at 〈◊〉 a young man that neuer 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , said , Gentlemen , it 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 speake , I think ( without 〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 ) 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 this 〈◊〉 ; to 〈◊〉 the 〈◊〉 said , I pray good 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉 though you neuer did 〈◊〉 any 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , yet 〈◊〉 may speake as 〈◊〉 as some of 〈◊〉 . 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , said the young man , my 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 that this Apecarier is a 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , and one that doth purpose to make this 〈◊〉 a 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 through the whole Kingdome : for , was it euer knowne that a fellow should be so impudent 〈◊〉 as to send a Warrant without either name or date , to a Mayor of a town , to the 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , and that he with his 〈◊〉 , their 〈◊〉 and families , should be all commanded to come before a I'ack-an-apes ? My counsell is that 〈◊〉 take him and his Ape , with his man , and his dog , and 〈◊〉 the whole messe or 〈◊〉 of them out of the towne , which I thinke will 〈◊〉 much for your credit if you doe . At which words a 〈◊〉 man of the towne being much 〈◊〉 , said , My friend you haue spoken little better then treason , for it is the Quéenes Ape , and therefore beware what you say ; you say true , said master Mayor , I 〈◊〉 who 〈◊〉 that 〈◊〉 fellow come into our company , I pray thée my friend depart , I thinke you long to haue 〈◊〉 all 〈◊〉 . So in 〈◊〉 hee was put out of the 〈◊〉 , for they were no company for him . Well now what is to bée done in this matter ? 〈◊〉 ( said another Senior ) we sée by the 〈◊〉 in the 〈◊〉 hat that he is the 〈◊〉 man , and who knowes what power a 〈◊〉 may haue in the Court to doe 〈◊〉 men wrong in the Country , let vs goe and 〈◊〉 the Ape , it is but 2 〈◊〉 a péece , and no doubt but 〈◊〉 wil be well taken , and if it come to 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 ; 〈◊〉 will thinke vs kind people that would 〈◊〉 so much duty to her Ape , what may she thinke we would doe to her 〈◊〉 if they came 〈◊〉 ? 〈◊〉 it is aboue 200 miles to London , and if we should be complained on 〈◊〉 fetched 〈◊〉 with 〈◊〉 , whereas now euery man may escape for his 2 pence , 〈◊〉 warrant it would cost vs 10 〈◊〉 a peece at the least . This counsell passed currant , and all the whole droue of the townsmen , with 〈◊〉 and children , went to see the Ape , who was sitting on a table with a 〈◊〉 about his neck , to whom master Mayor ( because it was the 〈◊〉 Ape ) put off his hat , & made a leg , but Iack let him 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 . But mistris 〈◊〉 cōming next in her clean linnen held her hands before her belly , and like a womā of good bréeding made a low curtsie , 〈◊〉 , quoth he . I thinke shee bee in a presumption : a consumption thou wouldst say , said the Physitian : I told you before ( the fellow replyed ) that I doe not vnderstand your allegant spéeches : Well , quoth the Doctor , doth thy wife kéepe her bed ? No , truly sir , said he , she sold her bed a fortnight since : verily quoth the Doctor shée is very costiue : Costly said the man , your Worship sayes true , for I haue spent all that I haue vpon her almost . Said the Doctor , I doe not say costly but costiue : and I pray thee tell me , is she loose or bound ? Indeed sir , said the man , she is bound to me during her life , and I am bound to her : yea but I pray thée , said the Doctor , tell me in plaine termes how she goes to stoole ? truly , said the fellow , in plaine termes shee goes to stoole very strangely , for in the morning it is so hard that your Worship can scarce bite it with your téeth , and at night it is so thin that you might eat it with a spoone . ( 103 ) GOod fellowes hauing well washed their 〈◊〉 in wine at a 〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉 of them was very 〈◊〉 to be gone ; to whom another of them said , I pray thée be pàtient , talke no more of going , for 〈◊〉 thou wilt 〈◊〉 still but a little , thou shalt 〈◊〉 that we shall all be gone , though 〈◊〉 stay here . ( 104 ) AN 〈◊〉 who dwelt with a rich 〈◊〉 he had , was by a Courtier begged for a foole , 〈◊〉 the foole perceiuing 〈◊〉 home to his vncles Parlour which was fairly hung with 〈◊〉 hangings , and in euery one of the hangings was the 〈◊〉 of a foole wrought : So the Foole watching his opportunty that no body was in the parlour , he tooke a knife and cut the fooles pictures out of euery hanging and went and 〈◊〉 them in a hay 〈◊〉 , which when his vncle came in 〈◊〉 saw , be was very angry , demanded who had spoiled his hangings ? 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , said the Ideot , I did cut out all the fooles , for there is a great man at Court that hath begged mée for a foole , and hée would haue all 〈◊〉 rich 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 can heare of , therefore did I 〈◊〉 the in all out of your 〈◊〉 , and I 〈◊〉 did 〈◊〉 where I thinke he will not 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 in 〈◊〉 . ( 105 ) A 〈◊〉 being scoulded at by his Wife would make her 〈◊〉 hee would 〈◊〉 himselfe : and as he went toward the 〈◊〉 , his Wife followed him 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 to 〈◊〉 , or at the least to let her 〈◊〉 with him ; 〈◊〉 , quoth hee , speake 〈◊〉 , for I am in 〈◊〉 ; then husband 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , séeing you will drowne your selfe 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 you to take my counsell , which is , that you 〈◊〉 not your selfe into this 〈◊〉 place here , for it will 〈◊〉 my heart to sée 〈◊〉 long you will 〈◊〉 a dying : but 〈◊〉 with me a little way , and I will 〈◊〉 you a déepe place , where you 〈◊〉 be dispatched presently . ( 106 ) A 〈◊〉 in Scotland lay dying , to 〈◊〉 her husband said , Wife now 〈◊〉 art 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 leaue me alone , I pray 〈◊〉 tell 〈◊〉 with 〈◊〉 shall I marry . She replyed , are you in 〈◊〉 to 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 the breath 〈◊〉 out of my 〈◊〉 , then 〈◊〉 the deuils dam : not 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , I haue had his daughter already , and 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 should match with his 〈◊〉 too , 〈◊〉 I should 〈◊〉 guiltie of 〈◊〉 . ( 107 THere was a Gentleman that was of a very 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , so 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , and 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 at all things , and 〈◊〉 seldome pleased with any 〈◊〉 , and withall was a great 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 : and as 〈◊〉 time he beat and 〈◊〉 his man , the 〈◊〉 ran from him , and told one of his 〈◊〉 that he thought his master was 〈◊〉 med into Brawne , for he was all Choller , and that he thought the reason 〈◊〉 his kicking was , because hee 〈◊〉 Colts-foot 〈◊〉 mong his Tobacco . ( 108 ) A Doctor of 〈◊〉 in Italy asked a waterman if he might 〈◊〉 well by water ouer the 〈◊〉 Po , the fellow told him 〈◊〉 but the Doctor when he came to the water side and saw it was a little 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , was very angry , and said , You Watermen are the veriest 〈◊〉 in the world for 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 you care not to cast a man 〈◊〉 ; to whom the Waterman replyed , Sir it appeares we are men of a cheaper function and better conscience then you ; for you sometimes will not cast a man away vnder 40 , 50 , or 100 crownes . ( 109 ) ONe borrowed a cloack of a gentleman , and met one that knew him , who said I thinke I know that cloake : it may be so , said the other , I borrowed it of such a gentleman : the other told him that it was too short : yea but quoth he that had the cloake , I will haue it long enougth before I bring it home a gaine . ( 110 ) A Poore womans husband was to bee hanged at the towne of Lancaster and on the excution day 〈◊〉 entreated the 〈◊〉 to bée good to her 〈◊〉 stand her friend : the 〈◊〉 said that hee could doe her no hurt , for her husband was condemned and iudged by the law , and therefore 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 suffer . Ah good master Shrieue said the woman , it is not his life that I aske , but because I haue farre home , and my mare is old and stiffe , therfore I would entreat you to doe me the fauour to let my husband be hanged first . ( 111 ONe came into a Colledge in an Uniuersity , and asked how many Fellowes belonged to the house : another replyed , that there were more good fellowes then good 〈◊〉 two to one . ( 112 ( A Fellow being drunke was brought before a Iustice , who committed him to 〈◊〉 : and the next day when he was to be discharged he was to come to the Iustice againe , who said to him , Sirrah you were not 〈◊〉 the last night : 〈◊〉 Worship sayes true , said the fellow . Yea but you were drunke , said the Iustice , and you did abuse me , and said I was a wise Iustice : the fellow replyed , If I said 〈◊〉 I thinke I was drunke indéed , and I cry your Worship mercy , for I will neuer doe you that wrong when I am sober . ( 113 ) A 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 eye chanced to 〈◊〉 a man in the field , 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 hath 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , the other man 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 the 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 the 〈◊〉 , whereat the 〈◊〉 man suddenly cast downe his Rapier 〈◊〉 Buenas noches , which in the Spanish tongue is goodnight . FINIS