The world runnes on vvheeles: or oddes, betwixt carts and coaches Taylor, John, 1580-1653. 1623 Approx. 52 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 19 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2003-01 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A13524 STC 23816 ESTC S101982 99837785 99837785 2128 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A13524) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 2128) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1475-1640 ; 1036:30) The world runnes on vvheeles: or oddes, betwixt carts and coaches Taylor, John, 1580-1653. [18] leaves Printed by E. A[llde] for Henry Gosson, London : 1623. By John Taylor. Printer's name from STC. With woodcut title vignette. Some print faded and show-through; pages marked, stained and torn; leaves tightly bound. Reproduction of original in the British Library. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. Gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. 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Copies of the texts have been issued variously as SGML (TCP schema; ASCII text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable XML (TCP schema; characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless XML (TEI P5, characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or TEI g elements). Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng Carriages and carts -- Early works to 1800. 2002-07 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2002-08 Aptara Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2002-09 Jennifer Kietzman Sampled and proofread 2002-09 Jennifer Kietzman Text and markup reviewed and edited 2002-10 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion The meaning of the Embleme . THe Deuill , the Flesh , the World doth Man oppos● And are his mighty and his mortall foes : The Deuill and the whorish Flesh drawes still , The World on Wheeles runs after with good wille For that which wee the World may iustly call ( I meane the lower Globe Terrestriall ) Is ( as the Deuill , and a Whore doth please ) Drawne here and there , and euery where , with ease Those that their Liues to vertue heere doe frame , Are in the World , but yet not of the same . Some such there are , whom neither Flesh or Deuill Can wilfully drawe on to any euill : But for the World , as 't is the World , you see It Runnes on Wheeles , and who the Palfreys bee ▪ Which Embleme , to the Reader doth display The Deuill and th● Flesh runnes swift away . The Chayn'd ensnared World doth follow fast ▪ Till All into Perditions pit be cast . The Picture topsie-turuie stands kew waw : The World turn'd vpside downe , as all men kn●● The World runnes on VVheeles : Or Oddes , betwixt Carts and Coaches . LONDON Printed by E. A. for Henry Gosson . 1623. ¶ To the noble Company of Cordwainers , the worshipfull Company of Sadlers & Woodmongers ; To the worthy , honest and lawdable Company of Water-men , And to the Sacred Society of Hackney-men , And finally , to as many as are grieued , and vniustly impouerished , and molested , with The Worlds Running on Wheeles . GEntlemen and Yeomen , maruell not that I writ this Pamphlet in Prose now , hauing before times set forth so many Bookes in verse ; The First Reason that mooued me to write thus , was because I was Lame , and durst not write Verses for feare they should be infected with my Griefe , & be lame too . The Second Reason is , because that I finde no good rime for a Coach but Broach , Roach Encroach , or such like : And you knowe that the Coach hath ouer-throwne the good vse of the Broach & Broch-turner , turning the one to Rackes and the other to Iackes , quite through the Kingdome : The Roach is a drie Fish , much like the vnprofitable profit of a Coach : It will cost more the dressing and Appurtnances then 't is worth : For the word Encroach I thinke that best befits it , for I think neuer such an impudent , prowd sawcie Intruder or Encroacher came into the world as a Coach is : for it hath driuen many honest Families out of their Houses , many Knights to Beggers , Corporations to pouerty , Almes deedes to all misdeedes , Hospitality to extortion , Plenty to famine , Humility to pride , Compassion to oppression , and all Earthly goodnes almost to an vtter confusion . These haue beene the causes why I writ this Booke in Prose , and Dedicated it to all your good Companies , knowing that you haue borne a heauy share in the Calamitie which these hyred Hackney hell-Carts haue put this Common-wealth vnto : For in all my whole Discourse , I doe not enueigh against any Coaches that belong to Persons of worth or qualitie , but onely against the Catterpiller swarme of hyrelings ; they haue vndone my poore Trade , whereof I am a Member , and though I looke for no reformation , yet I expect the benefit of an old Prouerbe ( Giue the loosers leaue to speake : ) I haue Imbroadered it with mirth , Quilted it with materiall stuffe , Lac'd it with similitudes ; Sowed it with comparisons , and in a word , so playd the Taylor with it , that I thinke it will fitte the wearing of any honest mans Reading , Attention , and Liking : But howsoeuer , I leaue both it and my selfe to remayne Yours as you are mine : Iohn Taylor . ¶ The VVorld runnes on Wheeles . WHat a Murraine , what piece of work haue we here ? The WORLD runs a Wheeles ? On my Conscience my Dung-cart will be most vnsauourly offended with it : Ihaue heard the wordes often ▪ The World runs on Wheeles ; what , like Pompeies Bridge at Ostend ? The great Gridyron in Christ-church , The Landskips of China , or the new found Instrument that goes by winding vp like a Iacke , that a Gentleman entreated a Musitian to Rost him Sele●●ers Round vpon it ? Ha! how can you make this good Master Poet ? I haue heard that the World stands stock still , & neuer stirres , but at an Earth-quake ; and then it trembles at the wickednes of the Inhabitants , and like an olde Mother , groanes vnder the misery of her vngracious Children : well , I will buy this volume of nuention for my Boyes to read at home in an Euening when they come from Schoole , there may be some goodnes in it ; I promise you truely I haue found in some of these Bookes very shrewd Items ; yea , and by your leaue , somewhat is found in them now and then , which the wisest of vs all may be the better for : though you call them Pamphlets , to tell you true , I like em better that are plaine and merrily written to a good intent , then those who are purposely stuffed and studyed , to deceiue the world , & vndo a Country , That tells vs of Proiects beyond the Moone , of Golden Mines , of Deuices to make the Thames run on the North side of London ( which may very easily be done , by remouing London to the Banke-side ) of planting the I le of Dogs with Whiblins , Corwhichets , Mushromes & Tobacco . Tut I like none of these , Let me see , as I take it , it is an inuectiue against Coaches , or a proofe or tryall of the Antiquitie of Carts and Coaches , T is so , and Gods blessing light on his heart that wrote it , for I thinke neuer since Phaeton brake his necke , neuer Land hath endured more trouble & molestation then this hath , by the cōtinual rumbling of these vpstart 4. wheel'd Tortoyses , as you may perhaps find anone : For as concerning the Antiquity of the Cart , I think it beyond the limmits of Record or writing , Besides , it hath a Reference or allusion to the Motion of the Heauens , which turnes vpon the Equinoctiall Axeltree , the two wheeles being the Articke and Antarticke Poles . Moreouer , though it be Poetically feygned , that the Sunne ( whom I could haue called Phoebus , Tytan , Apollo , Soll , or Hiperion ) is drawne by his foure hot and headstrong Horses ( whose names as I take it are ) Aeolus , Aethon , Phlegon , and Pyrois , Yet doe I not finde that Triumphant , Refulgent extinguisher of darknes is Coach'd , but that he is continually Carted through the twelue signes of the Zodiaque . And if Copernicus his opinion were to be allowed , that the Firmament with the Orbs and Planets did stand vnmoueable , and that onely the Terrestriall Globe turnes round daily according to the motion of Time , yet could the World haue no resemblance of a foure-wheel'd Coach ; but in all reason it must whirle round vpon but One Axeltree , like a two wheeld Cart. Nor can the searching eye , or most admirable Art of Astronomie , euer yet finde , that a Coach could attaine to that high exaltation of honour , as to be placed in the Firmament : It is apparently seene , that Charles his Cart ( which we by custome call Charles his Waine ) is most gloriously stellifide , where in the large Circumserence of Heauen , it is a most vsefull & beneficiall Sea-marke ( and somtimes a Land-marke too ) guiding and directing in the right way , such as trauaile on Neptunes waylesse Bosome , and many which are often benighted in wilde and desert passages , as my selfe can witnesse vpon Newmarket heath , where if that good Waine had not Carted me to my Lodging , I & my Horse might haue wandred I know not whither . Moreouer , as Man is the most noblest of all Creatures , and all foure-footed Beasts are ordayned for his vse and seruice ; so a Cart is the Embleme of a Man , and a Coach is the Figure of a Beast ; For as Man hath two legges , a Cart hath two wheeles : The Coach being ( in the like sense ) the true resemblance of a Beast , by which is Parabollically demonstrated vnto vs , that as much as Men are superior to Beasts , so much are honest and needfull Carts more nobly to be regarded and esteemed , aboue needlesse , vpstart , fantasticall , and Time-troubling Coaches . And as necessities and things whose commodious vses cannot be wanted , are to be respected before Toyes and trifles ( whose beginning is Folly , continuance Pride , and whose end is Ruine ) I say as necessity is to be preferred before superfluity , so is the Cart before the Coach ▪ For Stones , Timber , Corne , Wine , Beere , or any thing that wants life , there is a necessity they should be caried , because they are dead things and cannot goe on foot , which necessity the honest Cart doth supply : But the Coach like a superfluous Bable , or an vncharitable Mizer , doth sildome or neuer cary or help any dead or helplesse thing ; but on the contrary it helps those that can help themselues ( like Scoggin when he greazd the fat Sow on the Butt-end ) and carries men and women , who are able to goe or run ; Ergo the Cart is necessary , and the Coach superfluous . Besides , I am verily perswaded , that the proudest Coxcombe that euer was iolted in a Coach , will not be so impudent but will confesse that humility is to be preferred before pride ; which being granted , note the affability and lowlines of the Cart , and the pride and insoleney of the Coach , For the Carman humbly paces it on foot , as his Beast doth , whilst the Coachmā is mounted ( his fellow-horses & himself being all in a liuery ) with as many varieties of Laces , facings , Cloath and Colours as are in the Rainebowe , like a Motion or Pageant rides in state , & loades the poore Beast , which the Carman doth not ; and if the Carmens horse be melancholly or dull with hard and heauy labour , then will he like a kinde Piper whistle him a fit of mirth , to any tune from aboue Eela to belowe Gammoth , of which generosity and courtesie your Coachman is altogether ignorant , for he neuer whistles , but all his musicke is to rap out an oath , or blurt out a curse against his Teame . The word Carmen ( as I finde it in the Dictionarie ) doth signifie a Verse , or a Song , and betwixt Carmen and Carmen , there is some good correspondencie , for Versing , Singing , and Whistling , are all three Musicall , besides the Carthorse is a more learned beast then the Coachhorse , for scarce any Coach-horse in the world doth know any letter in the Book , when as euery Carthorse doth know the letter G. very vnderstandingly . If Adultery or Fornication bee committed in a Coach , it may be grauely and discreetely punished in a Cart , for as by this meanes the Coach may be a running Bawdy-house of abhomination , so the Cart may , ( and often is ) the sober , modest , and ciuill pac'd Instrument of Reformation : so as the Coach may be vices infection , the Cart often is vices correction . It was a time of famous memorable misery , when the Danes had tyrannicall insulting domination in this lard : for the flauery of the English was so insupportable , that he must Plowe , Sowe , Reape , Thrash Winnow , Grinde , Sift , Leauen , Knead , and Bake , and the domineering Dane would doe nothing but sleepe , play , and eate the fruit of the English mans labour ; which well may be alluded to the carefull Cart ▪ for let it plough , carrie & recarrie , early or late , all times & weathers , yet the hungry Coach gnawes him to the very bones : Oh beware of a Coach as you would doe of a Tyger , a Woolfe , or a Leuiathan , I 'le assure you it eates more ( though it drinkes lesse ) then the Coachman and his whole Teeme , it hath a mouth gaping on each side like a monster , with which they haue swallowed all the good housekeeping in England : It lately ( like a most insatiable deuouring beast ) did eate vp a Knight , a neighbour of mine , in the County of N. a Wood of aboue 400. Akers , as if it had beene but a bunch of Radish : of another , it deuoured a whole Castle , as it had beene a Marchpane ; scarcely allowing the Knight and his Lady halfe a colde shoulder of Mutton to their suppers on a Thursday night ; out of which reuersion the Coachman and the Footeman could picke but hungry Vailes : in another place ( passing through a Parke ) it could not be content to eate vp all the Deere , and other grazing Cattell , but it bit vp all the Oakes that stoode bareheaded , there to doe homage to their Lord and Maister euer since the conquest , crushing their olde sides as easily as one of our fine Dames ( with a poysoned breath ) will snap a Cinamon stick ; or with as much facility as a Bawde will eate a Pippin Tart , or swallow a stewed Pruine . For ( what call you the Towne ) where the great Oysters come from ? there it hath eaten vp a Church , Chauncell , Steeple , Bells and all , and it threatens a great Common that lyes neere , which in diebus illis hath relieued thousands of poore people ; nay , so hungry it is , that it will scarcely endure , in a Gentlemans house , a poore neighbours childe so much as to turne a Spit ; nor a Yeomans sonne to enter the house , though but in good will to the Chamber-maide , who anciently from 16. to 36. was wont to haue his breeding either in the Buttry , Celler , Stable , or Larder , and to bid good man Hobs , good-wife Grub , or the youth of the parish welcome at a Christmasse time ; but those dayes are gone , and their fellowes are neuer like to be seene about any of our top-gallant-houses . There was a Knight ( an acquaintance of mine ( whose whole meanes in the world was but threescore pounds a yeare , and aboue 20. of the same went for his Wiues Coach-hire ; now ( perhaps ) you shall haue an Irish Footman with a Iacket cudgell'd downe the shoulders and skirts , with yellow or Orenge tawny Lace , may trot from London 3. or 4. score miles to one of those decayed Mansions , when the simpring scornfull Pusse , the supposed Mistresse of the house ( with a mischiefe ) who is ( indeed ) a kinde of creature retired for a while into the Countrey to escape the whip in the Citie ) she demaunds out of the window scarce ready , and dressing her selfe in a glasse at noone : Fellow what is thine Errand , hast thou letters to me ? and if it be about di●ner , a man may sooner blow vp the Gates of Bergen ap Zome , with a Charme then get entrance , within the bounds of their Barr'd , Bolted , and Barracadoed Wicket : About 2. a Clocke , it may be after walking an houre or twaine , Sir Sellall comes downe , vntrust with a Pipe of Tobacco in his fist to know your businesse , hauing first peeped through a broken pane of Glasse , to see whether you come to demaund any money , or olde debt , or not , when after a few hollow dry complements ( without drinke ) he turnes you out at the gate , his worship returning to his Stove : What Townes are layde waste ? what fields lye vntilled ? what goodly houses are turn'd to the habitations of Howlets , Dawes , and Hobgoblins ? what numbers of poore are encreased ? yea examine this last yeare but the Register bookes of burials , of our greatest Townes and Parishes of the land , as Winondham in Norfolke , White Chappell neere London , and many other , and see how many haue beene buried weekely , that haue meerely perished for want of bread ; whilst Pride and Luxurie dam vp our streetes , Barracado our high wayes , and are ready euen to driue ouer their Graues , whom their vnmercifull Pride hath farnished . Whence comes Leather to be so deare , but by reason ( or as I should say against reason ) of the multitude of Coaches , and Carroaches , who consume and take vp the best Hides that can be gotten in our Kingdome , insomuch that I cannot buy a payre of Boores for my selfe vnder an Angell , nor my Wife a payre of Shooes ( though her foote be vnder the seauenteenes ) vnder eight groates or three shillings ; by which meanes many honest Shoomakers are either vndone or vndoing , and infinite numbers of poore Christians , are enforced to goe barefooted in the colde Winters , till with very benummednesse , some their toes , and some their feete are rotted off , to the numberlesse encrease of crooched Cripples , and wooden legg'd beggers , of which sort of miserable dismembred wretches , euery streete is plentifully stored with , to the scorne of other Nations , and the shame and obloquy of our owne . The Saddlers ( being an ancient , a worthy and a vsefull Company ) they haue almost ouerthrowne the whole trade , to the vndoing of many honest Families ; For whereas within our memories , our Nobility and Gentry would tide well mounted ( and sometimes walke on foot ) gallantly attended with three or foure score braue fellowes in blew coates , which was a glory to our Nation ; and gaue more content to the beholders , then forty of your Leather Tumbrels : Then men preseru'd their bodies strong and able by walking , riding , and other manly exercises : then Sadlers were a good Trade , and the name of a Coach was Heathen-Greeke . Who euer saw ( but vpon extraordinary occasions ) Sir Philip Sidney , Sir Francis Drake , Sir Iohn Norris , Sir William Winter , Sir Roger Williams , or ( whom I should haue nam'd first ) the famous Lord Gray , and Willoughby , with the renowned George Earle of Cumberland , or Robert Eatle of Essex : These sonnes of Mars , who in their times were the glorious Brooches of our Nation , and an admirable terrour to our Enemies : these I say did make small vse of Coaches , and there were two maine reasons for it , the one was that there were but few Coaches in most of their times : and the second reason is , they were deadly foes to all sloath and effeminacie : The like was Sir Francis Vere , with thousands others : but what should I talke further ? this is the ratling , rowling , rumbling age , and The World runnes on Wheeles . The Hackney-men who were wont to haue furnished Trauellers in all places , with fitting and seruiceable Horses for any iourney , ( by the multitude of Coaches ) are vndone by the dozens , and the whole Common-wealth most abhominably Iaded , that in many places a man had as good to ride vpon a wodden Post , as to Post it vpon one of those poore hunger-staru'd hirelings : which enormity can be imputed to nothing , but the Coaches intrusion , is the Hackney-mans confusion . Nor haue we poore Watermen the least cause to complaine against this infernall swarme of Trade-spillers , who like the Grashoppers or Caterpillers of Egipt haue so ouer-runne the land , that we can get no liuing vpon the water ; for I dare truly affirme that euery day in any Tearme ( especially if the Court be at Whitehall ) they do rob vs of our liuings , and carry 560. fares daily from vs , which numbers of passengers were wont to supply our necessities , and enable vs sufficiently with meanes to doe our Prince and Countrey seruice : and all the whole fry of our famous Whores , whose ancient Lodgings were neere S. Katherines , the Bankside , Lambeth-Marsh , Westminster , White Friers , Coleharbar , or any other place neere the Thames , who were wont after they had any good Trading , or reasonable commings in , to take a Boate and ayre themselues vpon the water , yea ( and by your leaue ) be very liberall to , and I say as a Mercer said once , A Whores money is as good as a Ladies , and a Bawdes as current as a Midwiues : Tush those times are past , and our Hackney Coaches haue hurried all our Hackney customers quite out of our reach towards the North parts of the Citie , where they are daily practised in the Coach , that by often iolting they may the better endure the Cart vpon any occasion , and indeede many times a hired Coachman with a basket hilted blade hang'd or executed about his shoulders in a belt , ( with a cloake of some py●e colour , with two or three change of Laces about ) may man , a brace or a Leash of these curu●tting Cockatrices to their places of recreation , and so saue them the charge of maintaining a Sir Pandarus or an Apple-squire , which seruice indeede to speake the truth , a Waterman is altogether vnfit for ; and the worst is , most of them are such Loggerheads , that they either will not learne , but as I thinke would scorne to be taught : so that if the Sculler had not bene paide when hee was paide , it is to be doubted that he should neuer haue beene paide , for the Coachman hath gotten all the custome from the Scullers pay-Mistris . This is one apparent reason , why all the Whores haue forsaken vs , and spend their Cash so free and frequent vpon those ingenious , well practiz'd , and seruiceable hired Coachmen : but ( a Pox take em all ) whither doth my wits runne after Whores and Knaues ? I pray you but note the streetes , and the chambers or lodgings in Fleet streete , or the Strand , how they are pesterd with them , especially after a Masque or a Play at the Court , where euen the very earth quakes and trembles , the Cazements shatter , tatter and clatter , and such a confused noyse is made , as if all the deuils in hell were at Barly-breake ; so that a man can neither sleepe , speake , heare , write , or eate his dinner or supper quiet for them : besides , their tumbling din ( like a counterfeit Thunder ) doth sowre Wine , Ale and Beere most abhominably , to the impairing of their healths that drinke it , and the making of many a Victualer and Tapster Trade-falne . A Wheelewright or a maker of Carts , is an ancient , a profitable , and a Trade , which by no meanes can be wanted ; yet so poore it is , that scarce the best amongst them can hardly euer attaine to better then a Calueskin sute , or a piece of neck Beefe & Carret-rootes to dinner on a Sunday ; nor scarcely any of them is euer mounted to any Office aboue the degree of a Scauenger , or a Tything man at the most . On the contrary , your Coachmakers trade is the most gainefullest about the Towne , they are apparelled in Sattens and Veluets , are Maister of their Parish , Vestry men , who fare like the Emperours Heliogabalus , or Sardanapalus , seldom without their Mackeroones , Parmisants , Iellyes and Kickshawes , with baked Swannes , Pasties hote , or c●ld red Deere Pyes , which they haue from their Debtors worships in the Countrey : neither are these Coaches onely thus cumbersome by their Rumbling and Rutting , as they are by their standing still , and damming vp the streetes and lanes , as the Blacke Friers , and diuers other places can witnesse , and against Coach-makers dores the streetes are so pesterd and clogg'd with them , that neither Man , Horse , or Cart can passe for them ; in so much as my Lord Maior is highly to be commended for his care in this restraint , sending in February last many of them to the Counter for their carelesnesse herein . They haue beene the vniuersall decay of almost all the best Ash Trees in the Kingdome , for a young plant can no soouer peepe vp to any perfection , but presently it is felled for the Coach : Nor a young Horse bred of any beauty or goodnesse , but he is ordained from his foaling for the seruice of the Coach ; so that whereas in former ages , both in peace and warres , we might compare with any Nation in the world for the multitude and goodnes of our Horses : wee now thinke of no other imployment for them , then to draw in a Coach , and when they are either lamed by the negligence of the Coachman , or worne out after many yeares with trotting to Playes and Bawdy houses , then are they ( like olde maymed Souldiers ) after their wounds and scarres , preferd to Woodmongers , ( where they are well Billited ) or to Draymen , where they turne Tapsters , and draw Beere by whole Barrels , and Hogsheads at once ; and there they weare out the Remainder of their dayes , till new harnei● for others , are made of their olde skins . The last Proclamations concerning the Retiring of the Gentry our of the Citty into their Countreyes , although my selfe , with many thousands more were much impouerished and hindred of our Liuings by their departure ; yet on the other side how it cleared the Streetes of these way-stopping Whirligiggs , for a man now might walke without being stand vp hoe , by a fellow that scarcely can either goe or stand himselfe . Prince , Nobilitie , and Gentlemen of worth , Offices & Quality , haue herein their priuiledge , and are exempt , may ride as their occasions or pleasures shall indite them , as most meete they should ; but when euery Gill Turntripe , Mrs. Fumkins , Madame Polecat , and my Lady Trash , Froth the Tapster , Bill the Taylor , Lauender the Broker , Whiff the Tobacco seller , with their companion Trugs , must be Coach'd to S. Albones , Burntwood , Hockley in the Hole , Croydon , Windsor , Vxbridge , and many other places , like wilde Haggards prancing vp and downe , that what they get by cheating , swearing , and lying at home , they spend in Ryot , Whoring , and Drunkennesse abroade . I say by my hallidome , it is a burning shame ; I did lately write a Pamphlet called a Thiefe , wherein I did a little touch vpon this point ; that seeing the Heard of Hireling Coaches are more then the Whirries on the Thames , and that they make Leather so excessiue decre , that it were good the order in Bohemia were obserued here , which is , that euery hired Coach should be drawne with Ropes , and that all their Harnesse should be Hemp and Cordage : besides if the Couer and Bootes of them were of good Rosind or pitched Canuas , it would bring downe the price of Leather , and by that meanes a hired Coach would be knowne from a Princes , a Noble mans , Ladies , or people of note , account , respect and quality . And if it be but considered in the right Kue , a Coach or Carroach are meere Engines of Pride , ( which no man can denie to be one of the seauen deadly sinnes ) for two Leash of Oyster-wiues hired a Coach on a Thursday after Whitsontide , to carie them to the greene-Goose Faire at Stratford the Bowe , and as they were hurried betwixt Algate and Mile-end , they were so be-Madam'd , be-Mistrist , and Ladifide by the Beggers , that the foolish women began to swell with a proud supposition or Imaginary greatnesse , and gaue all their money to the mendicanting Canters ; insomuch that they were feigne to pawne their Gownes and Smocks the next day to buy Oysters , or else their pride had made them Cry for want of what to Cry withall . Thus much I can speake by experience ; I doe partly know some of mine owne qualities , and I doe know that I doe hate pride , as I hate famine or surfetting ; and moreouer , I know my selfe to be ( at the best ) but Iohn Taylor , and a mechanicall Waterman , yet it was but my chance once to be brought from Whitehall to the Tower in my Maister Sir William Waades Coach , and before I had beene drawne twentie yards , such a Timpany of pride puft me vp , that I was ready to burst with the winde Chollick of vaine glory . In what state I would leane ouer the Boote , and looke , and pry if I saw any of my acquaintance , and then I would stand vp , vayling my Bonnet , kissing my right clawe , extending my armes as I had beene swimming , with God saue your Lordship , Worship , or how doest thou honest neighbour or good-fellow ? in a word , the Coach made me thinke my selfe better then my betters that went on foote , and that I was but little inferiour to Tamberlaine , being iolted thus in state by those pampered Iades of Belgia : all men of indifferent iudgement will confesse , that a Cart is an instrument conformable to law , order , and discipline ; for it rests on the Sabaoth dayes , and commonly all other Holy dayes , and if it should by any meanes breake or transgresse against any of these good Iniunctions , there are Informers that lye in ambush ( like carefull Scowtes ) to informe against the poore Cart , that in conclusion my Lady Pecunia must become surety and take vp the matter , or else there will be more stirre about the flesh then the Broath is worth : whereas ( on the contrary ) a Coach like a Pagan , an Heathen , an Infidel , or Atheist , obserues neither Sabaoth , or holiday , time or season , ●obustiously breaking through the toyle or net of deuine and humane law , order , and authority , and as it were contemning all Christian conformity ; like a dogge that lyes on a heape of Hay , who will eate none of it himselfe , nor suffer any other beast to eate any : euen so the Coach is not capable of hearing what a Preacher saith , nor will it suffer men or women to heare that would heare , for it makes such a hideous rumbling in the Streetes by many Church dores , that peoples eares are stop'd with the noyse , whereby they are debard of their edifying , which makes faith so fruitlesse , good workes so barren , and charity as cold at Midsommer , as if it were a great Frost , and by this meanes soules are rob'd and starued of their heeuenly Manna , and the Kingdome of darknesse replenished : to auoyd which , they haue set vp a crosse post in Cheapside on Sundayes neere Woodstreet end , which makes the Coaches rattle and iumble on the other side of the way further from the Church , and from hindering of their hearing . The Nagaians , Iughonians , and the vngodly barbarous Tartarians , who knew no God or deuill , Heauen nor hell , and who indeede are Nations that haue neither Townes , Citties , Villages , or houses ; Their habitations are nothing but Coaches : in their Coaches they eate , sleepe , beget children , who are also there borne , and borne from place to place , with them the World runnes on Wheeles continually , for they are drawne in Droues or Heards 20. 30. or 40000. together , to any fruitfull place or Champion plaine , where they and their beasts doe stay till they haue deuoured all manner of sustenance that may maintaine life , and then they remoue to a fresh place doing the like ; thus wearing out their accursed liues like the broode of Caine , they and their houses being perpetuall vagabonds , and continuall runnagates vpon the face of the earth . They are so practized and inured in all kinde of Barbarisme , that they will milke one Mare and let another blood , and the blood and the milke they will Charne together in their Hats or Caps , till they haue made fresh Cheese and Creame ( which the deuill will scarce eate ) from these people our Coaches had first originall , and I doe wish with all my heart that the superfluous number of all our hireling Hackney carrie-Knaues and Hurrie-Whores , with their makers and maintainers were there , where they might neuer want continuall imployment . For their Antiquity in England , I thinke it is in the memory of many men when in the whole Kingdome , there was not one , and there was another principall vertue , as good as themselues came with them : for the Prouerbe saith , That mischiefe or mischances seldome come alone : and it is a doubtfull question , whether the deuill brought Tobacco into England in a Coach , or else brought a Coach in a fogge or mist of Tobacco . For in the yeare 1564. one William B●ouen a Dutchman brought first the vse of Coaches hither , and the said Boonen was Queene Elizabeths Coachman , for indeede a Coach was a strange Monster in those dayes , and the fight of them put both horse and man into amazement : some said it was a great Crab-shell brought out of China , and some imagin'd it to be one of the Pagan Temples , in which the Canibals adored the deuill : but at last all those doubts were cleared , and Coach-making became a substantiall Trade : So that now all the world may see , they are as common as Whores , and may be hired as easie as Knights of the Post. The Cart is an open transparent Engine , that any man may perceiue the plaine honesty of it ; there is no part of it within or without , but it is in the continuall view of all men : On the contrary , the Coach is a close hipocrite , for it hath a couer for any Knauery , and Curtaines to vaile or shadow any wickednesse : besides , like a perpetuall Cheater , it weares two Bootes and no Spurres , sometimes hauing two paire of legges in one Boote , and often times ( against nature ) most preposterously it makes faire Ladies weare the Boote ; and if you note , they are carried backe to backe , like people surpriz'd by Pyrates , to be tyed in that miserable manner , and throwne ouer boord into the Sea. Moreouer , it makes people imitate Sea Crabs , in being drawne side-wayes , as they are when they sit in the boote of the Coach , and it is a dangerous kinde of Carriage for the Common-wealth , if it be rightly considered ; for when a man shall be a Iustice of the Peace , a Serieant , or a Counsellour at Law ; what hope is it that all or many of them should vse vpright dealing , that haue beene so often in their youth , and daily in their maturer or riper age , drawne aside continually in a Coach , some to the right hand , and some to the left , for vse makes perfectnesse , and often going aside willingly makes men forget to goe vpright naturally . The order of Knighthood is both of great Antiquity and very honourable , yet within these later times there is a strange mysterie crept into in , for I haue noted it that when a Gentleman hath the sword laid vpon his shoulder , either by his Prince , or his Deputy or Generall in the field , although the blow with the sword , be an honour to the man , yet ( by a kinde of inspiration ) it cripples his wife , though she be at that time 300. miles from her husband , for if you but note her , you shall see her lamed for euer , so that shee can by no meanes goe without leading vnder the arme , or else shee must be carried in a Coach all her life time after ; forgetting in a manner to goe on her feete so much as to Church , though it bee but two Quoytes cast ; for I haue heard of a Gentlewoman that was lamed in this manner , who sent her man to Smithfield from Charing-Crosse , to hire a Coach to carrie her to Whitehall ; another did the like from Ludgate hill , to be carried to see a Play at the Blacke Friers : And in former times when they vsed to walke on foote , and recreate themselues , they were both strong and healthfull ; now all their exercise is priuately to Sawe Billets , to hang in a Swinge , or to rowle the great Rowler in the Alleyes of their Garden , but to goe without leading , or Riding in a Coach is such an impeachment and derogation to their Calling , which flesh and blood can by no meanes endure . Euery man knowes , that were it not for the Cart the Hay would Rot in the medowes , the Corne perish in the fields , the Markets be emptily furnished , at the Courts remoue the King would bee vnseru'd , and many a Gallant would bee enforced to bee his owne Sumpter-horse to carrie his luggage , bag and baggage himselfe ; and finally , were it not for the mannerly and courteous seruice of the Cart , many a well deseruing ill condition'd braue fellow might goe on foote to the gallowes . A Cart ( by the iudgement of an honourable and graue Lawyer ) is elder brother to a Coach for antiquity ; and for vtility and profit , all the world knows which is which , yet so vnnaturall and vnmannerly a brother the Coach is , that it will giue no way to the Cart , but with pride , contempt bitter curses and execrations , the Coachman wishes all the Carts on fire , or at the diuell , and that Carmen were all hang'd , when they cannot passe at their pleasures , quite forgetting themselues to be sawcy vnprofitable intruders , vp starts , and Innouators . When I see a Coach put vp into a house ( mee thinkes ) the pole standing stiffely erected , it lookes like the Image of Priapus , whom the libidinous and leacherous Whores and Knaues of Egypt were wont to fall downe and worship ; and I pray you what hinderance hath it but it may vse the Paphean or Priapean game ? for it is neuer vnfurnished of a bed and curtaines , with shop windowes of leather to buckle Bawdry vp as close in the midst of the street , as it were in the Stewes , or a Nunnery of Venus Votaries . What excessiue waste doe they make of our best broad-cloath of all colours ? and many times a young heire will put his old Fathers old Coach in a mourning Gowne of Cloth or Cotton , when many of the poore distressed members of Christ , goes naked , staruing with cold , not hauing any thing to hide their wretched carkasses ; and what spoyle of our Veluets , Damaskes , Taffataes , Siluer and Gold Lace , with Fringes of all sorts , and how much consumed in guilding , wherein is spent no small quantity of our best and finest gold : nor is the charge little of maintaining a Coach in reparation , for the very mending of the Harnesse , a Knights Coachman brought in a bill to his Master of 25. pounds : besides there is vsed more care & diligence in matching the Horses and Mares , then many fathers and mothers doe in the marriage of their sonnes and daughters : for many times a rich lubberly Clowne , the sonne of some gowty extortioner , or rent-racking Rascall , ( for his accursed muckes sake ) may bee matched with a beatifull or propper well qualified and nobly descended Gentlewoman , and a well fac'd handsome Esquire or Knights sonne and heire may be ioyn'd with a Ioyners puppet , or the daughter of a Sexton ; but for the choyce of your Coach-horses there is another manner of prouidence to be vsed , for they must be al of a colour , longitude , latitude , Cressitude , height , length , thicknesse , breadth , ( I muse they doe not weigh them in a paire of Ballance ) and being once matched with a great deale of care and cost , if one of them chance to die ( as by experience I know a Horse to bee a mortall beast ) then is the Coach like a maimed cripple , not able to trauell , till after much diligent search , a meete mate be found whose correspondency may be as equiualent to the suruiuing Palfrey , and in all respects as like as a Broome to a Bee●ome , Barme to Yeast , or Quodlings to boyld Apples . The mischiefes that haue beene done by them are not to be numbred , as breaking of legges and armes , ouerthrowing downe hills , ouer bridges . running ouer children , lame and old people , as Henrie the fourth of France , ( the father to the King that now reigneth ) he and his Queene were once like to haue beene drowned , the Coach ouerthrowing besides a bridge , & to proue that a Coach owed him an vnfortunate tricke , he was some few yeares after his first escape , most inhumanely and traiterously murdred in one , by Rauiliacke , in the streets at Paris : but what neede I runne my inuention out of breath into forreigne countreys for examples , when many of the chiefe Nobilitie and Gentrie of our owne Nation haue had some triall and sad experience of the truth of what I write ? sometimes the Coachman ( it may be hath bin drunk , or to speake more mannerly stolne a Manchet out of the Brewers Basket ) hath tumbled besides his Box of state , and Coach running ouer him hath kild him , the whilst the horses ( hauing the reines loose ) haue runne away with their Rattle at their heeles ( like dogges that had bladders of dryed Beanes , or empty bottles at their tailes ) as if the deuill had beene in them , and sometimes in the full speed of their course a wheele breakes , or the Naue slips off from the Axletree , downe leapes the Coachman , and away runs the horses , throwing their carriage into bushes , hedges , and ditches , neuer leauing their mad pace , till they haue torne to tatters their tumbling Tumbrell , to the manifest perill , danger , and vnrecouerable hurt to those whom they carry , and to all men , women , children and cattell , as Hogges , Sheepe , or whatsouer chanceth to be in their way : besides the great cost & charge of mending and Reparations of the Coach. There is almost nothing , but when it is worne out , it will serue for some vse , either for profit or pleasure ( except a Coach ) of the bottome of an old Cart , one may make a fence to stop a gap , of the Raues one may make a Ladder for Hennes to goe to Roost : of an olde Bores Franke , a new Dogge-kennell may be founded ; of a decayed Wherry or Boat , a backe part of a house of office may be framed ( as you may see euery where on the Bankside ) of an old Barrell , a bolting Hutch , an ouer-worne old Whore will make a spick and span new Bawde ; and a rotte● Bawde may make a new Witch . I knew a neighbour of mine ( an olde Iustice ) that of the bald veluet lyning of his Cloake , made him a paire of new Breeches , and those Breeches being worne past the best , with the best of them he made his wife a new French Hoode ; and when that was bare and past her wearing , it made him facing for his new Boote tops : But an old Coach is good for nothing but to cousen and deceiue people , as of the olde rotten Leather they make Vampies for high Shooes , for honest Country Plow-men , or Belts for Souldiers , or inner lynings for Girdles , Dogge-chollers for Mastiffes , indeede the Box if it were bored thorow , would be fittest for a close stoole , and the body would ( perhaps ) serue for a Sow to pigge in . If the curses of people that are wrong'd by them might haue preuailed , sure I thinke the most part of them had beene at the deuill many yeres agoe . Bu●●hers cannot passe with their cattell for them . Market folkes which bring prouision of victuals to the Citie , are stop'd , stay'd , and hindred . Carts or Waynes with their necessary ladings are debard and letted : the Milke-maydes ware is often spilt in the dirt ▪ and peoples guts like to be crushed out being crowded and shrowded vp against stalls , & stoopes . whilst Mistres Siluerpin with her Pander , and a paire of ●●amd Pullets ride grinning and deriding in their H●ll-Cart at their miseries who goe on foote : I my selfe haue beene so serued when I haue wished them all in the great Breach , or on a light fire vpon Hownslow heath , or Salisburie plaine : and their damming vp the streets in this manner , where people are wedged together that they can hardly stirre , is a maine and great aduantage to the most vertuous Mysterie of purse-cutring , and for any thing I know the hired or hackney Coachman may ioyne in confederacy and share with the Cut-purse , one to stop vp the way , and the other to shift in the Crowd . The superfluous vse of Coaches hath been the occasions of many vile and odious crimes , as murther , theft , cheating , hangings , whippings , Pillories , ●●ockes and cages ; for house-keeping neuer decaied 〈◊〉 Coaches came into England , till which time those were accounted the best men who had most followers and retainers ; then land about or neere London was thought deere enough at an noble the Aker yearely , and a ten-pound house-rent now , was scarce twenty shillings then , but the witchcraft of the Coach quickly mounted the price of all things ( except poore mens labour ) and withal transformed ( in some places 10. 20. 30. 40. 50. 60. or 100. proper Seruingmen , into two or three Animals ( videlicet ) a Butterfly page , a trotting footman , a stiff-drinking Coachman , a Cooke , a Clarke , a Steward , and a Butler , which hath enforced many a discarded tall fellow ( through want of meanes to liue , and grace to guide him in his pouertie ) to fall into such mischieuous actions before named , for which I thinke the Gallowses in England haue deuonred as many lusty valiant men within these 30. or 40. yeares , as would haue beene a sufficient armie to beate the foes of Christ out of Christendome , and marching to Constantinople , haue pluck'd the great Turke by the Beard : but as is aforesaid , this is the age wherien The World Runnes on Wheeles . It is a most vneasie kinde of passage in Coaches on the paued streetes in London , wherein men and women are so tost , tumbled , iumbled , rumbled , and crossing of kennels , dunghills , and vneuen-wayes , which is enough to put all the guts in their bellies out of ioynt , to make them haue the Palsey or Megrum , or to cast their Gorges with continuall Rocking and Wallowing : to preuent which , there was a gentleman of great note , found fault with his Coach-horses , because his Coach iolted him , commanding his man to sell away those hard trotting Iades , and to buy him a paire of Amblers , that might draw him with more ease : another , when hee saw one of his horses more lusty and free then his fellow , hee commanded his Coachman to feede him onely with bread & water , till he were as tame and quiet as the other , which wise command was dutifully obserued . The best vse that euer was made of Coaches was in the old warres betwixt the Hungarians and the Turkes , ( for like so many land Gallies ) they carried souldiers on each side with Crosbowes , and other warlike engines , and they serued for good vse being many thousands of them , to disrowte their enemies , breaking their rankes and order , making free and open passage for their horse and foote amongst the scattered squadrons and regiments , & vpon occasion they serued as a wall to Embarricado and fortifie their campe : this was a millitarie imployment for Coaches , and in this sort onely I could wish all our hirelings to be vsed . It is to be supposed that Pharaohs Charriots which were drowned in the red sea , were no other things in shape and fashion then our Coaches are at this time , and what great pitty was it that the makers and memories of them had not been obliuiously swallowed in that Egiptian downfall ? Mowntaigne , a learned and a noble French Writer , doth relate in his booke of Essayes , that the ancient Kings of Asia , and the Easterne parts of Europe , were wont to be drawne in their Coaches with foure Oxen , and that Mark Anthony with a Whore with him was drawne with Lyons . Heliogabalus the Empero●r was drawne with foure naked Whores , ( himselfe being the Coachman ) and the Coaches in these late times ( to shew some sparke of gratitude or thankfulnes ) in remembrance that naked Whores once drew 〈◊〉 of them , they doe in requitall very often carrie Whores halfe naked to the belly , and gallantly apparelled ; besides only but foure Whores drew one Coach , and 500. Coaches hath carried 10000. of them for it : but sometimes they were drawne with Stagges , as it is the vse in Lapland at this day . The Emperour Firmus was drawne with foure Estridges , and to requite those fauours , they doe now often carrie men as rauenous as Lyons , as well headed as Oxen or Stagges , and as the Estridges did once draw , so the feathers of them doe daily ride in Plumes and Fannes . In the Citie of Antwerp in Brabant I haue seene little Coaches , which men send their children to Schoole in , each of them drawne by a Mastiffe dogge , not hauing any guide : for the dogge himselfe doth exercise three offices at one time , being as the Horse to draw , the Coachman to direct , and an honest labouring dogge besides . I remember that in one place aforesaid , I haue written , that Coaches doe seldome carrie any dead things , as Stones , Timber , Wine , Beere , Corne , &c. But ▪ in so writing I finde that I haue done many of them great wrong , for I perceiue that they carrie oftentimes diuers sorts of Rye , as Knaue-Rye , Foole-Rye , Leache-Rye , Rogue-Rye , Vsue-Rye , Bawde-Rye , Braue-Rye , Slaue-Rye , and Begge-Rye . Sometimes ( by chaunce ) they may hap to carrie good Husband-Rye , and Housewife-Rye , but such burthens are as scarce , as money or charity : and one thing more comes into my minde about their multitude , for though a Coach doe 〈◊〉 to be a dead or sencelesse thing , yet when I se 〈…〉 consider how they doe multiply and encrease : I am doubtfull but that they are male and female , and vse the act of generation or begetting , or else their procreation could neuer so haue ouer-spread our Nation . To conclude , a Coach may fitly be compared to a Whore , for a Coach is painted , so is a Whore : a Coach is common , so is a Whore : a Coach is costly , so is a Whore ; a Coach is drawne with beasts , a Whore is drawne away with beastly Knaues . A Coach hath loose Curtaines , a Whore hath a loose Gowne , a Coach is lac'd and fring'd , so is a Whore : A Coach may be turn'd any way , so may a Whore : A Coach hath Bosses , Studs , and guilded nailes to adorne it : a Whore hath Owches , Brooches , Bracelets , Chaines and Iewels to set her forth : a Coach is alwaies out of reparations , so is a Whore : a Coach hath need of mending still , so hath a Whore : a Coach is vnprofitable , so is a whore : a Coach is superfluous , so is a Whore : a Coach is insatiate , so is a Whore : A Coach breakes mens neckes : a Whore breakes mens backes : This oddes is betwixt a Coach and a Whore , a man will lend his Coach to his friend , so will hee not his Whore : but any mans Whore will saue him the labour of lending her ; for she will lend her selfe to whom shee pleaseth . And thus my Booke and comparisons end together ; for thus much I know , that I haue but all this while bark'd at the Moone , throwne feathers against the winde , built vpon the 〈…〉 ●●ackmore , and laboured in vaine : 〈…〉 or enormitie hath pleasure in it , 〈…〉 profit , and power to defend it , 〈…〉 speake , and weakenesse may babble of Reformation , though to no end : and so I end . FINIS .