Boston
Medical Librar y
8 The Fenway



4











Uteirtral jftrkwtrk
A ifflmttljUj IGttrrarg ilagaztn? nf
Wit mb Wxsbam
19 2 2
Bnlump VIII
&aint Hauta. Missouri
II. ». A.



Copyright. 1922. By MEDICAL PICKWICK PRESS,
St. Louis, Mo.






Supplied in 5-nrain
capsules, bottle* or
fifty. DOSE: For
adults, one to two
capsules threetimes
a day. Children re-
quire less in propor-
tion to their age.


Supplied in bottle*of
Id i«umc». DOSE:
For adult*, one table*
spoonful throe times
a day After meals;
(or ihildren, one to
three teaspoon rult
three times a day.
Two Effective Vitamine Preparations
METAGEN
All the known vitamines are present
in Metagen, and this fact is demon-
strated by physiologic tests on animals.
Metagen contains:
Vitamine A (antirachitic)— the fat-soluble
vitamine normally present in milk, butter,
cod-liver oil and certain plants.
Vitamine B (antineuritic) — a water-sol-
uble vitamine found abundantly in yeast,
nuts and the pericarp and germ of grains.
Vitamine C (antiscorbutic)-a water-sol-
uble vitamine of citrus fruits and certain
vegetables.
Prescribe Metagen in all cases of vita-
mine deficiency—rickets, scurvy, malnu-
trition, marasmus and other disorders of
metabolism. It is a valuable adjuvant
in the dietetic treatment of tuberculosis,
anemia, and the asthenia incident to the
convalescence from acute infections.
EMULSION METAGEN
AND COD-LIVER OIL
This product exhibits not only the
native fat-soluble vitamine of the finest
Norwegian oil, but also Metagen—the fat-
soluble vitamine from vegetable sources,
as well as the water-soluble vitamines.
Considering the pathogenesis of rickets,
no available medicament more clearly
meets the therapeutic indications than
Emulsion Metagen and Cod-Liver Oil—a
powerful tonic and metabolic stimulant,
containing active concentrates of all
the vitamines and an augmented supply
of the antirachitic vitamine.
The Emulsion naturally suggests itself
as a suitable prescription also in cases of
malnutrition, scurvy, and other condi-
tions due to vitamine impoverishment.
Parke, Davis & Company



Trade Mark fieglstered.
Gluten Flour
40% GLUTEN
— to comply in all respects to
Standard requirements of U. S. Dept. of
Agriculture.
VV/r# Muiufictared by
FARIVELL & RHINES
Sj*^. Watertown, N. Y.

Circumstantial Evidence
The Bingville board of selectmen
had held many sessions and finally
formulated a set of auto laws that was
the pride of the county. So the con-
stable felt no worriment when he
stopped a motorist.
"Ye're pinched for violatin' the auto
laws," he pronounced. •
"Which one?" inquired the traveler.
"Durned if I know, but ye certainly
hain't come all the way down Main
Street without bustin' one of them."—
77ie American Legion Weekly.
A Single Atom
Auntie Dubb gave Baby Sue
A dose of HgCl2.
Sue is with the angels now
And Auntie still is wondering how
A single atom of CI
Can make such change in calomel
—American Druggist.
IV^ORE people die from
pneumonia than any
other disease.
Approximately 25 out of
every 1 00 cases end fatally.
Dr. Gustav Goldman has
demonstrated that at least
twenty of these twenty-five
deaths may be prevented
by employing Bacterial
Vaccines.
Why delay and chance a
fatal termination?
Dr. Gustav Goldman *s article appeared
in American Medicine, March, 1921
Bacteriological Laboratories oi
G. H. SHERMAN, M. D.
DETROIT, U.S.A.
Does It Pay to be Born?
Major Leonard Darwin, son of
Charles the famous one, was one of
the talkers at the interesting Congress
of Eugenics here last month and showed
anxiety about the progress of the hu-
man race. He thought there was too
much bad stuff reproduced in it, a:, no
doubt, there is. He was for sterilizing
criminals and for drives to induce su-
perior people to raise larger familie;.
Racial deterioration, he said, seems
evident among all highly civilized peo-
ples, because of the thinning out of the
descendants of highly endowed stock
and the multiplication of those of in-
ferior endowment.
But why should the son of the Dar-
win who argued that man came up from
monkeys be worried about this incorrig-
ible progressive human stock? If we
came up from monkeys and stone-age
men and all tho:e tough and question-
able characters, we certainly can take
our chances with our own disreputable
stock. It seems to be part of the reg-
ular program of life that the superior
people shall be less productive than
the inferior people and that good stocks
in time shall run out. That is quite
in keeping with the theory that this
world is the nursery of souls and that
when the souls become far enough ad-
vanced they side-step it. None of the
artificial means to increase the reproduc-
tive efforts of superior people look
premising at all, nor do the suggestions
for inducing the inferior people not to
reproduce look any better. When chil-
dren pay, they will be born. When
they do not pay, they won't. They
may pay in work or they may pay in
pleasure, but people won't have many
of them unlets there is a profit in it.
More promising than any of the sug-
gestions of the Eugenics Congress is the
as ert'on cf a man who lives in Kansas
City that he took a moron, a boy with a
five-year-cld mind, and by m:ans that
he knows about taught and developed
him so that he is making a living wiring
house:—Life.
LL.D.
Tommy: What does LL.D. after
a man's name mean?
Limmy: I guess it means that he's
a lung and liver doctor.—Boston Tran-
script.
To ALLEVIATE PAIN, to
PROMOTE DIURESIS and to
PROTECT the membrane of the
urethra, especially THE POS-
TERIOR PORTION—these are
the important objects of the treatment
of acute cases of gonococcal urethritis.
The entire urinary; trad should be
influenced by means of proper inter-
nal medication. Local injections
alone will not be sufficient.
This is the rationale of CONO-
SAN.
RIEDEL & CO., Inc.
87 35th Street Brooklyn. N. Y.
Not Profitable
"So you've lost that family you've
been attending for several years," said
one doctor to the other.
"Yes," he replied, "they've changed
over to Dr. Green. But I'm just as
pleased."
"Weren't they good pay?"
"Oh, they paid their little bill reg-
ularly enough, but there wasn't one
among 'em who would ever consent to
having an operation."—DetroH Free
Press.

USED WHILE YOU SLEEP
For Whooping Cough
and Spasmodic Croup;
Asthma; Sore Throat;
Cough"; Bronchitis;
Colds; Catarrh.
Simple, safe and effective,
avoiding internal drug*.
Vaporized Cresolene stops tbe raroiysms of Whooping
Couch and relieves gpasmodle Croup at once.
It is a BOON for •>(ft.-.. '- from Aolfama.
The air carrying the a itlie > ir vapor. Inhaled with
every breath makes breaching easy, soothes the sore
throat and stops the cough. as*urirm res'ful nights.
Cresolene relieves the at Inn1 complication* of Bear-
let Fever and 9>««l-e, and is a valuable aid in the treat-
ment of Diphtheria. 1 n ■ ■ ■ coe ftV ient 2.
Creoelene's besi recommendation la rte 4Z yeere of
successful uee. Send lor Deeorlptlve Booklet Z.
For Snle by Omugto*
THE VAPO CRESOLENE CO.. 67 Cortliadt St., New York


Heat vs. Cold
IN PNEUMONIA
The application of cold packs to the thoracic
wall as a remedial agent in the treatment
of pneumonia is rapidly being discarded by
practitioners.
The application of heat is again in favor and physicians in every part of the country
are now convinced that the logical, safe and sane method of treating pneumonia
includes the application of prolonged moist heat over the entire thoracic wall.

not only offers the best known method of continuously applying moist heat of
equable temperature for a long period, together with the advantages attendant
upon its physical properties, hygroscopy, exosmosis and endosmosis, but it offers
the pneumonic patient exactly what he absolutely requires—EASE and REST.
When Antiphlogistine is once applied it can advantageously remain in place
for a long period, usually from twelve to twenty-four hours, all the time per-
forming its soothing and effective service.
THE DENVER CHEMICAL MFG. COMPANY, NEW YORK CITY
A Brown Mixture
There were two Browns in the vil-
lage, both fishermen. One lost his wife
and the other lost his boat at about the
same time.
The Vicar's wife called, as she sup-
posed, on the widower, but really upon
the Brown whose boat had gone down.
"I am sorry to hear of your great
loss," she said.
"Oh, it ain't much matter," was the
philosophical reply; "she wasn't up to
much."
"Indeed!" said the surprised lady.
"Yes," continued Brown, "she was
a rickety old thing. I offered her to
my mate, but he wouldn't have her.
I've had my eye on another for some
time."
And the outraged woman fled.—
The Doctor.

Unnecessary
Hotel Clerk: Would you like a
room with a bath, sir?
Ezra Dimbleby: No, thanks. Jist
a room. I took a good wash afore I
left home last week.
TYREE'S
6ANTISEPTIC POWDER
A SPECIFIC
in the
Treatment of Leucorrhoea
It not only cleanses but renders the tissues
an unfit media for the development of
pathogenic bacteria.
Used daily as a douche, it prevents germ
invasion and infection. It does not affect
the mucosa and is a most satisfactory rem-
edy in either specific or non-specific dis-
charges.
Dr. \V. M. Gray, Microscopist to the Army
Medical Museum, Washington, D. C., states:
"This is to certify that the exact antiseptic
strength of Tyree's Pulv. Antiseptic Comp.
is one part of the powder to fifty of water
(1:50). Test tubes containing peptonized
beef broth were charged with Tyree's Anti-
septic Powder. The solutions were then
inoculated with the anthrax bacillus, and
with the staphylococci of pus, and the tubes
placed in the incubator for 48 hours at a
temperature of 390* C. On removing the
tubes from the incubator, it was found that
in the solutions of one in ten to one in fifty,
there was no development of bacteria."
J. S. TYREE, Chemist, Inc.
WashinRton, D. C.
Man-Power
—and a quick way to increase your
own.
Put a quart of gasoline into an empty
barrel and it evaporates—DISAP-
PEARS, accomplishing nothing.
BUT—put this same gasoline into
the tank of an automobile and immedi-
ately it is available for POWER.
QUARTERS and dollars in your
pockets likewise quickly disappear, add-
ing little to your permanent welfare.
But—
by INVESTING some of them reg-
ularly in United States Treasury Sav-
ings Securities you build a permanent
asset, a reserve power—thus increasing
your man-power.
Outward success is generally the
measure of one's man-power. Your
man-power will be directly increased by
the feeling of security that financial in-
dependence will give you.
Post offices sell Treasury Savings
Securities—25c, $1. $5, $25, $100.
Thrift is fundamentally an economic
application of the law of self-preserva-
tion.


THE MEDICAL PICKWICK.
iii
Edison's Defense of His Questionnaire
Scoffing at Edison's list of test ques-
tions has become quite general. In
the face of somewhat acidulous cri-
ticism, however, he has gone on using
them in the selection of his own em-
ployees, and professes that he is quite
satisfied with the result. In The Scien-
tific American (New York) he tells,
in the form of an interview with the
editor, just what his idea was in set-
ting the questions, and why it has
worked so well. This is said to be Edi-
son's first authorized statement, in ex-
tended form, of his views on these
matters. In the first place, he says,
trying a man out on a job is too waste-
ful. Some kind of preliminary test is
necessary, and he decided to frame it
in such a way as to bring out ability to
produce data and frame decisions with-
out delay of any kind. This seemed to
him to involve an exceptional memory
—an absolute necessity, he believes, in
a competent executive, although, of
course, memory alone will qualify no
one. His explanation runs, in part:
The only way I know to test a man's
memory is to find out how much he has
remembered and how much he has for-
gotten. Of course 1 don't care directly
whether a man knows the capital of
Nevada, or the source of mahogany, or
the location of Timbuctoo. Of course
I don't care whether he knows who
Demoulins and Pascal and Kit Carson
were. But if he ever knew any of these
things and doesn't know them now, I do
very much care about that in connection
with giving him a job. For the as-
sumption is that if he has forgotten these
things he will forget something else that
has direct bearing on his job.
If I tell you something that inter-
ests you exceedingly, it is mighty strange
if that doesn't stick. But that is not
the kind of memory that counts. Don't
come here for a job and tell me that
you can remember anything you want
to, anything you consider worth remem-
bering. Out of every thousand facts
that present themselves to you, I should
think at least 990 come unobtrusively,
without the slightest indication whether
they are to be of any subsequent im-
portance to you or not. If your mem-
ory is a success, it will reproduce—
within the proper limits of human fal-
libility, of course—any one of these
items, when and where you want it.
Of course if I ask you I 50 questions
at random, I am going to strike some
low spots in your knowledge. I am go-
ing to ask you some things that you
never have known at all. No two peo-
ple have precisely the same background
of facts. But I do not expect anybody
to answer every one of my questions.
They are selected with the thought that
they shall deal with things taught in
schools and colleges—things that we
have all had opportunity to learn, facts
to which we have all been exposed dur-
ing the course of our education and by
our ordinary reading. Their subject
matter is of no importance—they must
merely be things that my applicants may
fairly be assumed to have been taught
at some time. Everybody must neces-
sarily have been exposed to a very large
majority of them.
A man who has not got 90 per cent,
of these facts at his command is de-
ficient either in memory, as discussed
already, or in the power of acquiring
facts. And either deficiency is fatal
for my purposes.—Literary Digest.
PROF KIPPER.
BEAUTY EXPERT
[REPUCINt WE«HT|
specialty
WE REDUCE YOU
15 LIS A |>AY
OR MONEY BACKj
MA5E
OVER INTO MERE
SHADOWS OF
FORMER SELVES
gv PROF KIPPER

Portrait of the man who lives on the fat of
the land.
Illlllllllllll II IIIIIIIIIIIIIIII1IIIIIIIIIIIIIMIIIIIIIIIKII1IIIIIIIM 1IIIIIIIMI rillllllllllll 1 llllillllllllllllllllLi
I IN INTESTINAL STASIS \
1 the prime object is to restore the tonicity of the bowel, 1
1 and to accomplish this I
PRUNOIDS |
| are of unique value. Absolutely free from irritating' effect, this ideal laxative |
= never (fives rise to griping or excessive peristalsis, but through its stimulation I
| of natural processes, produces as near to normal — or physiologic — evacuations, §
| as can be brought about by drug action. =
Doses 1 to 3 tablets at bedtime.
| SULTAN DRUG COMPANY ST. LOUIS, MO. J
H niiiiiiii tiiitiii iiiiiii nil linn tiiiiiiiiiiniimiiii iiim i ii in inn iiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirr

The Management of an Infant's Diet
1
Maltose and Dextrins
are the carbohydrates in
Mellin's Food
Protein
in a most available form is a part of the composition of
Mellin's Food
Potassium Bicarbonate
together with the salts in wheat and barley
are the inorganic constituents of
Mellin's Food
m
Mellin's Food Company, Boston, Mass.
m


We are now manufacturing
SILVER-
SALVARSAN
(The sodium salt of
silver-diamino-dihydroxy-arsenobenzene)
This has been used with success
in Europe for more than two
years past. Silver-Salvarsan is
in clinical use in the following
New York hospitals and clinics:
VANDERBILT CLINIC
(Service of Dr. Fordyce)
SKIN AND CANCER
(Service of Dr. Stetson)
BELLEVUE
(Service of Dr. Parounagian)
VOLUNTEER
(Service of Dr. Baketel)
The physicians who are admin-
istering the product are well
satisfied with the results ob-
tained. Silver-Salvarsan effects
a more rapid disappearance of
the contagious lesions than the
other forms of Salvarsan and
practically no reaction follows
its administration.
SILVER-SALVARSAN
is now ready for general
distribution to the medical
profession.
HA
:0:
LAB .
Trade-Mark
Reg. U. 8. Pat. Off.

J
An Itemized Statement
Here is the modern way for making
out an obstetrical bill after reading the
plumber's bill, for services rendered:
Installing one baby $50.00
Wiping joints and surface.... 1.50
Waste 10
Tying cord 2.75
One cord tie 35
Ag N03 40
Dressing cord 1.50
1 gauze gasket 27
Nipple 15
Delivering placenta 8.31
Twisting membrane 2.20
1 dram ergot 87
3 sutures 15.00
Catgut 65
2 Pituitrin 3.75
2 car fares 16
3 Chloroform 1.20
Overtime 1.00
$90.16
—H. J., in Medical World.
Health in Harmony
The best of all cures is the music
cure. For instance, Wagner is good for
the liver.—Musical Mem.
Music, so the adage tells us.
Tends to soothe the savage breast,
Now we learn it soothes our livers.
Stomach, kidneys, lungs and chest!
If you're feeling rather seedy.
Not up to your usual mark,
You can banish all your megrims
With a little bit of Bach!
Wagner for a sluggish liver,
Richard Strauss for heart disease,
Chopin's good for scarlet fever,
Sullivan for housemaid's knees!
Yet I doubt this latest cure-all—
All my pain I freely own,
I owe to a piece of music—
"Wedding March" by Mendels-
sohn!
—La Touche Hancock in Judge.
An Expert on Substitutes
"Neurasthenia," said Miss Biggums
to her cook, "I think we will have some
chicken croquettes today out of that left-
over pork and calves' liver."
"Yes'm," said Neurasthenia, called
"Teeny" for short. "An' we got a
little bread dressing what went wid the
pork, mum. Shall I make apple sauce
out'n hit, mum?"—The Lo-Be-Te
News.

Doctor: You need a rest—I'm going to
prescribe a trip of four months to South
America.
Patient: But, Doctor, that's impossible.
I can't leave my business.
Doctor: Tut, tut; it's your wife and
mother-in-law who are to take the trip.
Sheer Luck
Pat: Say, Mike, did yez hear
about that big fiddler dying? He
thought so much of his violin he had
it buried with him.
Mike: No, yez don't mane it? It's
a dom good thing he didn't play the
piano.—Life.

POSSESSES
The anodyne and anti-neu- I
ralgic action of Tonga;
The anti-spasmodic and
sedative action of
Cimicifuga;
The cathartic, diuretic and
anti-rheumatic action of
Colchicum;
The diaphoretic action of 1
Pilocarpin;
The anti-rheumatic; anti-
septic and hepatic
action of Salicylic Acid.
Tongaline Liquid Tongaline Tablets
Tongaline and Lithia Tablets
Tongaiiirc and Quinine Tablets
WLUER DRUG COMPANY SAINT LOU :s


Fine Points in English
The man had just informed the Pull-
man agent that he wanted a Pullman
berth.
"Upper or lower?" asked the agent.
"What's the difference?" asked the
man.
"A difference of fifty cents in this
ca:e." replied the agent. "The lower
is higher than the upper. The higher
price is for the lower. If you want it
lower you'll have to go higher. We
sell the upper lower than the lower. In
other words, the higher the lower. Most
people don't like the upper, although it
is lower on account of it being higher.
When you occupy an upper you have
to get up to go to bed and get down
when you get up. You can have the
lower if you pay higher. The upper is
lower than the lower because it is
higher. If you are willing to go higher,
it will be lower."
But the poor man had fainted!—
The Epivorth Herald.
Pursuits
^Vhy be busy pursuing health?
The healthiest man I ever saw
Couldn't read or write.
And his chief delight
Was to toss his clothes in a heap
at night.
And sink to rest on a pile of straw.
Why be hurrying after wealth?
The wealthiest man I ever knew
Lived a wretched life
With a jealous wife.
Who made him glad to escape from
strife
AVhen he closed his account at fifty-
two.
"Why be sighing for happiness?
Of all the men I have ever seen
The happiest one
Was a tinker's son
Who thought he was Napoleon,
And the nurse who guarded him
Josephine!
—J. Milo Curci, in Judge.
Mankind has progressed because of
the instinct of Jaying by for the future—
tf piling up resources today against
tomorrow's opportunities and require-
Enough Said
A Lacashire tackier, who was noted
as a bit of a bully at the mill, once
went to Blackpool for the week-end,
where he met one of his weavers. Af
ter having a drink, they decided to have
a bath, but the tackier soon got into
difficulties, and the weaver went to hi;
assistance, and managed to get him
safely to the shore.
"Tha's saved my life," remarked the
tackier, "what can aw gi'e thee?"
"Say nowt abowt it," replied the
weaver, "becos' if t'other weavers gets
to know aw pulled thi awt they'll chuck
me in."—London lVeel(l\) Telegraph.

Manager: Why did your last employer
dispense with your services?
Applicant for Position: Well, I guess it
was becaitse he was a dispensing chemist.
Now Is the Time to Prescribe
m
Horlicks

The Original
— for Typhoid cases and to your other patients suffering from
fevers and diseases frequent at this season.
It is very acceptable to the sick, helps maintain strength
and stimulate the reparative forces of the organism.
AVOID IMITATIONS-fhe record of over % of
a century is back of "florlick's" reliability
Send for new printed matter and for samples
HORLICK S - - Racine, Wisconsin
The Prevention of Weak, Tender Feet
is one of the notable benefits that
logically result from wearing
O'
's Heels
It is a well known fact that abnormal conditions of the foot structures
are often brought about by shoes with hard, rigid heels, and lacking
in flexibility. Free movement of the muscles is prevented, muscular
tone is lost, and sagging of the arch naturally tends to follow.
O'Sullivan's Heels, however, by reason ef their elasticity and
springiness assure a greater latitude of muscular action. The foot
muscles thus receive more exercise, the local circulation is increased
and the foot structures are kept in a nearer normal condition.
The use of O'Sullivan's Heels, therefore, is a simple but
exceedingly effective means of promoting the health and
strength of the feet.
O'SULLIVAN RUBBER CO., Inc.
New York City


THE MEDICAL PICKWICK.

!3P
3&
Nervous debility, nervous exhaustion, and all asthenic affections of
the nervous system, so prevalent to-day, will respond to treat-
ment which will replenish the reduced mineral reserves of the
system and supply the necessary phosphorus to restore
degenerated nerve cells
FELLOWS SYRUP
OF THE
HYPOPHOSPHITE*.
"The Standard Tonic for over fifty years,"
contains the basic elements to ensure normal metabolism, together with the dynamic
agents, quinine cr.d strychnine; which make it a tr^c stabilizer cr' shaken nerves
Samples ar.dL'.terat-jxzscr.tupor.req-ezt.
FELLOWS MEDICAL MANUFACTURING CO., Inc.
26 Christopher Street G&2i New YorK, N.Y.

[^Electrically^
lighted Siir&ical
Instrument^
For Fifty Years
eminent physicians all over the coun-
try have prescribed and endorsed our
well-known and reliable disinfectant.
The constant use of it in the home will
prevent the spread of any disease
germ that lurks in the darkest corner.
Safety First
Don't wait until sickness comes. In-
sure yourself against it, and protect
your health by the immediate use of
the absolutely odorless, strong and
effective

latt's
hlorides
'5S
(Trade-Mark Registered)
WRITE FOR SAMPLE AND
BOOKLET TO
Henry B. Piatt Company
33 Cliff Street NEW YORK
The lesson in thrift one reads on the
page of current history should be taken
in a personal way by every citizen of
America. The man who is employed
or is in comfortable circumstances to-
day should bear in mind that the days
of adversity may come to him as they
have come to many others.
Life is made up of sunshine and rain,
of success and failure. No man is
too rich or too prosperous or too in-
dependent to be above the need of in-
vesting a certain amount each week
or month in Government savings se-
curities. It is a fundamental of correct
living. He is helping his country and
at the same time helping himself.
Every Liberty Bond is a pledge of
the people of the United States to pay
a certain sum of money at a certain
time, with interest on it until maturity.
It is a mortgage on the resources of the
country and the energy and produc-
tivity of the people.
Instruments stamped E. S. I Co. are de-
signed by eminent physicians and are im-
portant aids in accurate diagnostic work.
NASO-PHARYNGOSCOPB, Holme*.
URETHROSCOPES, Young. Swln-
Eburne, Koch, Valentine.
OYSTOSCOPES, Braaach, Kelly.
PHARYNGEAL, LARYNGEAL, and
OESOPHAGEAL SPECULA,
Jackson.
s.
I.
Co.sH
NASAL SPECULA.
TONGUE DEPRESSORS.
AURISCOPES.
VAGINAL SPECULA.
ILLUMINATED EYE SPUDS.
PROCTOSCOPES.
TRANSILLUMINATORS.
EAD LAMPS.
SOCKET CURRENT CONTROL-
LERS.
SOCKET CAUTERY TRANSFORM-
ERS.
General Diagnostic Outfit
E.
S,
L
Go.
Tblt outfit weight 4% pounds and measure* 3%xlx\5 Inches-
All oar Instruments may be operated upon battery or by
means of a socket current controller. It it compact and
easily carried.
Illustrated and descriptive catalog sent on request.
Be sure of exact name.
ELECTRO SURGICAL INSTRUMENT CO.
ROCHESTER, N. Y.


IJlefrtcal Pickwick
Vol. vim
JANUARY, 1922 <
No. I.
DOCTOR SANGRADO.
I stayed three months with
the Licentiate Sedillo, without
complaining of bad nights. At
the end of that time he fell
sick. The distemper was a
fever and it inflamed the gout.
For the first time in his life,
which had been long, he called
in a physician. Doctor San-
grado was sent for; the Hippo-
crates of Valladolid. ... A
tall, withered, wan executioner
of the sisters three, who had
done all their justice for at least
these forty years! This learned
forerunner of the undertaker
had an aspect suited to his of-
fice: his words were weighed to
a scruple; and his jargon
sounded grand in the ears of the
uninitiated. His arguments
were mathematical demonstra-
tions: and his opinions had the
merit of originality.
After studying my master's
symptoms, he began with med-
ical solemnity. The question
here is to remedy an obstructed
perspiration. Ordinary practi-
tioners, in this case, would fol-
low the old routine of salines,
diuretics, volatile salts, sulphur
and mercury, but purges and
sudonfics are a deadly practice!
Chemical preparations are edged
tools in the hands of the igno-
rant. My methods are more
simple, and more efficacious.
What is your diet> I live
pretty much upon soups, replied
the canon, and eat my meat
with a good deal of gravy.
Soups and gravy 1 exclaimed the
petrified doctor. Upon my
word, it is no wonder you are
ill. High living is a poisoned
bait; a trap set by sensuality
to cut short the days of wretched
man. We must have done with
pampering our appetites: the
more insipid, the more whole-
some. The human blood is not
a gravy! Why then you must
give it such a nourishment, as
will assimilate with the particles
of which it is composed. You
drink wine, I warrant you?
Yes, said the licentiate, but di-
luted. Oh! finely diluted, I
dare say, rejoined the physician.
This is licentiousness with a ven-
geance! A frightful course of
feeding! Why you ought to
have died years ago. How old
are you? I am in my sixty-
ninth year, replied the canon.
So I thought, quoth the prac-
50 ^9.^°^ *
(Cop'yj-ifiit^irei. joj Mt^p^plciip^K Press,)
IN THIS NUMBER
Frontispiece
Jauntinc in Jamaica
The Invertebrate
The Cash Recister
Cartoon
H. Elliott Bates, M. D.
Milton Hahn, M. D.
Anna Hamilton Wood
Ray Hoppman
Treasure Trove
Suspiciously Serious
Medical Miscellany
Whizzerinktums
Mrs. Thomas Grimalkin
May She Be Forgiven
Keep An Eye On Sadie
Cartoon
Obiter Dicta
Practical Eucenics
Life's Little Surprises
Ode to the Cow!
Editorials
Cartoon
Valeriana
His First Case (Concluded)
Proteoses and Peptones
Cartoon
Book Reviews
Coastal Waves: Their Origin, Nature, and Work
Ceorge M. Could, M. D. 8
The Hicockalorum and the Oodle-Doodle Bug
Cara B. Tomer 11
Photocraphy Ralph M. Thomson II
The Cause and Cure of Heart Disease Everett Deaarl 12
Worry S. Reynold's. M. D. 13
William W. Arnold, M. D. 13
F. V. Waddy 14
Sing Lo 15
Ceorgiana Cheesman 17
Edla Park P"k 18
Florence Breiester Wilfingsson 19
Phifer 21
P. H. F. 22
H. C. Coe, M. D. 23
Clifford Knight 24
Ceorge W. E. Daniels 24
27
Phifer 28
S. E. Cibbs, M. D. 29
Walter E. Anthony 30
Ramsay Spillman 35
Zim 37
38
tilioner, a premature old age is
always the consequence of in-
temperance. If you had only
drank clear water all your life,
and had been contented with
plain food, boiled apples for in-
stance, you would not have been
a martyr to the gout, and your
limbs would have performed
their functions with lubricity.
But I do not despair of set-
ting you on your legs again,
provided you give yourself up
to my management. The licenti-
ate promised to be upon his good
behavior.
Sangrado then sent me for a
surgeon of his own choosing,
and took from him six good por-
ringers of blood, by way of a
beginning, to remedy this ob-
stinate obstruction. He then
said to the surgeon: Master
Martin Onez, you will lake as
much more three hours hence,
and tomorrow you will repeat
the operation. It is a mere vul-
gar error, that the blood is of
any use in the system; the
faster you draw it off, the bet-
ter. A patient has nothing to
do but keep himself quiet; with
him to live is merely not to die;
he has no more occasion for
blood than a man in a trance; in
both cases life consists exclu-
sively in pulsation and respira-
tion. When the doctor had or-
dered these frequent and copious
bleedings, he added a drench of
warm water at very short in-
tervals, maintaining that water
in sufficient quantities was the
grand secret in materia medica.
He then took his leave, telling
Dame Jacintha and me with an
air of confidence, that he would
answer for the patient's life,
if his system was fairly pur-
sued. The housekeeper, though
protesting secretly against this
new practice, bowed to his su-
perior authority. In fact, we
set on the kettles in a hurry;
and, as the physician had de-
sired us above all things to give
him enough, we began by pour-
ing down two or three pints
at as many gulps. An hour af-
ter, we beset him again; then,
returning to the attack time af-
ter time, we fairly poured a
deluge into his poor stomach.
The surgeon, on the other hand,
taking out the blood as we put
in the water, we reduced the
old canon to death's door in
less than two days.—Alain Rene
Le Sage. Cit Bias. Bk. II,
Ch. 2.



^lonor a physician
according to XYn
need of nim witn
the honouis due
unto him:
For verily the Lprd
hath created him.
For from theTtfpst
High cometh healing:
And from thelKin^
he shall receive a
Jhe skill of the
physician shall
lift up his head
And in the sight
of great men he
shall be admired.
JESUS - SON OF SIRACH - 180 B. C
Km
I V


JAUNTING IN JAMAICA
By H. Elliott Bates, M. D., New York City.

E were discussing our annual vacation.
The Mrs. said, "Why not take a
jaunt to Jamaica?" At which I
looked at her frankly dumfounded.
"I mean Jamaica, the Island, not
Jamaica, Long Island," she ex-
plained.
Visions of cocoanut groves, banana trees and picturesque
blacks floated before my mind's eye, and I said, "Good
idea, let's investigate!"
As a result we left the United Fruit Company's of-
fice with a collection of various folders, considerable in-
formation and a booklet describing the features of "The
Pearl of the Carribean." We decided to take the trip.
Passage and stateroom were easily secured. The usual
red tape attended the getting of a passport and its visee.
After considerable annoyance the necessary income tax
clearance was gotten, and sailing day found us eager
to be off.
We dropped down the harbor, put the pilot over side
and watched the Jersey coast fade into the clouds that
lay in the west. There was a jewel of a deck steward
on board. We sat at table with the ship's doctor and a
size-up of our fellow passengers promised interesting pos-
sibilities. There was a South American diplomat, for
example, who speedily made a hit with most of the ladies,
especially the younger ones. There was also an elderly
reverend gentleman of color and his dusky and youthful
bride, their mutual absorption affording quiet amusement
lo the cynical among us. A Jamaica physician, who by
the way was one of the best informed gentlemen I ever
met, proved not only interesting, but of the greatest value
to us because of the suggestions he offered as to how
best to see the Island and its many features. There was
another party of four, New England people, whose plans
and intentions, it soon appeared, fitted in exactly with our
own. And also we met a most affable and charming
gentleman, the proud owner of a four-thousand-acre co-
ccanut plantation, whom I soon accused of being a Ja-
maica "fan," and he justified the term, for in his eyes
Jamaica was indeed the "Blessed Isle," and he exem-
plified perfectly the spontaneous and generous spirit of
hospitality that marks the attitude of the true Jamaican
towards the visitor from "the States."
We spent five days at sea, out of sight of land and for
the most part, without a sail or a steamer in view. Verily
those were days of dolce far niente. Flying fish we saw
and of porpoises a few. It is an ideal way to rest. In
fact, there is nothing else to do. The United Fruit Com-
pany takes good care of its patrons. The boat was well
appointed, our stateroom large and comfortable, the serv-
ice excellent. We broke fast at 7:30, lunched at half
after noon, and dined at seven. At eleven the deck stew-
ard brought us bouillon and biscuits and at five there
was tea, iced or hot, and cake. Fruit was found in the
stateroom at bedtime.
One socn lost track of time or date. A Marconi bul-
letin containing the principal news items was posted daily
but few read it. Who cared what was going on in the
world? Our world comprised but sea and sky.
We approached Kingston, Jamaica, our port of rest,
late on Sunday evening. The pilot, swarthy of com-
plexion and answer'ng to the hail of Moskuit, came out to
us over a rough sea in a long canoe or dug-out, fashioned
from a single tree trunk, and manned by dark-skinned
rowers. Soon we anchored off Port Royal to await in-
spection by the Health Officer, which was set for 6:30
Monday morning.
Item: One hears much of vaccination from the time
one leaves until one gets off the boat, and while nothing
is said about this at the ticket office, it would save many
an annoyance to be vaccinated shortly before taking such
a trip and thus be able to show a fresh scar.
Health inspection over, we proceeded to enter King-
ston Harbor, which is a beautiful sight. The town of
Kingston, with its white houses, many with red roofs,
hidden here and there beneath groups of tropical foliage,
lies at the base of a mountain range which serves as an
effective background. The highest peak. Blue Moun-
tain, rises some two hundred and seventy feet above sea
level, and there are numerous peaks of evident volcanic
origin, all of which are covered with varying shades of
dark green foliage.
Arrived at the docks and having passed the customs,
which is a mere formality, we were immediately sur-
rounded by an eager, jostling crowd of negroes of all
shades of complexion. I found an automobile, and upon
asking the cost of transportation of our party of six to
the hotel, was quoted the price of three dollars. For
3


comparison I asked another driver, who condescended
to take us for seven dollars and a half. Then I fell
back upon what was afterward our most popular con-
veyance, the Jamaica "bus," and found that the dusky
driver was eager to take us to our destination for a shill-
ing. Later on I found that this was an overcharge, and
that the proper rate was six pence.
Our hotel, the Earlscourt, was selected because we
wished for a small place where we could get native food
and "atmosphere." It proved to be a delightful place,
with broad piazzas running around all four sides and be-
set with a veritable jungle of tropical growth. The din-
ing room was open on three sides and not even screened,
because there were no flies or mosquitos during our stay
there. It is true that lizards were much in evidence; one
found them on the floor and, alas, sometimes on the bed.
They climbed about the vines which screened the porch.
But they are perfectly harmless, very picturesque, and
even the ladies in the party soon become accustomed to
their presence. The meals were good, daintily served,
and we made the acquaintance of most of the native vege-
tables and fruits.
Kingston itself is quaint in the extreme. Its streets
are narrow, and its houses are not over two stories high
on account of the hurricanes which are of annual oc-
currence. The Jamaican likes to live secluded. In front
of and about his house he has built a wall, generally of
brick, and on top of this a very fine grill or grating, be-
hind which one catches a glimpse of a cool and shady
piazza and wonderful growths of palms, ferns and other
tropical plants.
Except in the business part of town, Kingston boasts
no sidewalks. Everybody walks in the road; that is to
say nobody walks very far except the blacks. In the
first place it is hot, and in the second place transportation
is cheap. There are trolley cars, but after one trial we
selected the "bus" which is an institution very much to
be commended. The horses are small and chronically
tired. The driver makes a great show with whip and
voice, which the horse seems to take for granted.
A trip at night through Jamaica streets in the "bus" is
an experience. Lights are few and far between and
shine like a good deed in a naughty world. The "bus"
proceeds at a snail's pace and its progress is announced
by the frequent ringing of a gong or bell.
Our first day was spent in exploring the town. We
visited the market and a number of the shops and found
to our increasing joy that our American money was very
much at a premium. For every five dollars that I used
I received twenty-six shillings and sixpence, and in no
instance was there the slightest objection on the part of
anyone to pay the difference in exchange.
Everywhere I went the natives called me "doctor,"
and as I am not of particularly Esculapian appearance I
marvelled thereat, until I learned that every tourist is
welcomed with the same salutation. We had been warned
to expect to suffer from the heat, but we were pleasur-
ably disappointed. Kingston is hot, but it is a dry heat
that causes one to perspire profusely, and though I mind
hot weather, I was more comfortable by far in Jamaica
than I was in New York after my return.
It seems strange that there is no twilight. Daylight
drops into darkness as one pulls down a curtain. The
market is well worth seeing, and the ladies of our party
figuratively went wild when they saw the basket display,
with the result that we parted with some of the coin of the
realm.
We met with universal courtesy and more. For in-
stance, a gentleman with whom we had some business
to transact insisted upon escorting us to the Myrtlebank
Hotel, which is modern in every respect, and introduced
the ladies of the party to a lemon squash. The writer
he conducted with some mystery to another part of the
hotel, where I was introduced to a dark-skinned artist,
who stood behind a piece of polished mahogany, and by
this personage I was made acquainted with one of the
most celebrated productions of Jamaica, Planters' Punch!
It is seductive; it is satisfying; and it only costs two
shillings a shot!
It had been impressed upon us while on the boat that
to spend all of our time in Kingston would be to fail
utterly to see Jamaica and its features. With this ad-
vice went the information that automobiles could be had
for an enormous price, that gas cost one dollar a gallon
and oil two dollars a quart. Perturbed but not wholly
daunted I set forth to visit some of the garages and for-
tune favored me. After explaining that we wished to
hire a car and driver for a trip around the Island, I was
given a flat rate of one shilling tenpence per mile, which
covered all expenses except the driver's keep, which proved
to be negligible. The bargain was soon struck and the
next morning we set out for Newcastle, located several
thousand feet above the sea and reached by a road that
is composed mostly not of curves but of corners. We
drove for miles up the mountain side, most of the time
in cecond gear, twisting and creeping about sharp cor-
ners, sometimes meeting a mule team< at the most unex-
pected places and passing a stream of natives going hither
and yon, every one of whom bore a burden upon the
head.
4


The native Jamaican seems to have lost the use of
the hands to carry things with. Anything from a bundle
of lumber or a can of water to a slate is carried on the
head and carried easily and gracefully. The natives
do not live for the most part in villages, but in thatched
huts scattered here and there over the mountain side, for
the Island is practically all mountains.
It was interesting to watch the natives as we met them
along the road. They are of all shades of color, and
for the most part entirely unlike the colored people that
we have in the States. I saw few good looking women,
but I did not see an ungraceful one. It seemed odd to
see them carry a piece of tinder with them, for matches
are apparently not used. And it was also interesting
to see here and there along the way a little fireplace built
on a few stones, containing a fire of a few sticks, over
which the native was complacently roasting bread fruit.
It might be possible to describe the views and scenic
features of Jamaica, but I shall not attempt it. It has
to be seen to be appreciated. On our way back from
Newcastle we drove through the famous Hope Gardens
where we saw, I think, every kind of tropical or semi-
tropical plant, including a number of orchids.
The next day we set out to circle the Island, going
through Spanish Town, a very quaint old settlement where
there is a wonderful cathedral, the floor of which is cov-
ered with inscriptions on great slabs of stone that cover
the vaults beneath. We climbed Mount Diablo, looking
down over wave after wave of forest, with here and there
a mere patch where some native had cleared the ground
and planted sugar cane or other truck.
Our chauffeur proved to be a jewel. He was about
the color of the ace of spades, in speech soft and gentle,
and in deportment a gentleman. He was also well in-
formed and anxious to answer the innumerable questions
that were hurled at him constantly.
We lunched at Moneague at a typical inn, and then
rode through what was one of the most striking parts
of our trip. Fern Gully. Imagine a deep cleft or can-
yon, almost at the bottom of which is a narrow road
and upon either side of which rises a veritable wall of
ferns and vines, interlaced and draped with festoons of
infinite variety, rising for many feet above until lost in
the blue of the sky. We rode through it for miles and
so impressed were we that we even forgot to ask ques-
tions. Soon the sea burst into view, verily the "deep-
blue sea," because the color of the Carribean resembles
nothing so much as the bluing water of the washerwoman.
We came out upon the shore and drove along a beautiful
road with cocoanut palrm on either side, here a field
of sugar cane, there a field of bananas, until we reached
a little cove where a stream flowed down over a series
of steps or ledges to meet the ocean. There was a bit
of a beach and here we enjoyed the queer sensation of
a plunge into the ocean, which was hot, and another
plunge into a pool, separated from the ocean by only a
narrow strip of sand, which seemed ice cold. Refreshed
and invigorated, we drove away through St. Ann's Bay
with its quaint, clustering houses, and then for miles along
the shore in and out, playing tag with the ocean, as one
of the ladies put it, with a changing view at every turn,
until at last we ceased to marvel at the beauties of this
Island and sat in dumb admiration. Passing Falmouth,
we turned inland six miles, to come almost at the close
of the day to Pembroke, a part of the plantation of our
friend whom we met on the boat.
Here we were welcomed with real friendliness as if
we were old friends, had five o'clock tea, and were
shown over this estate and its neighbors, "Good Hope,
Covey and Shawfields. Our host was referred to as "the
big squire," and he looked and acted the part. After
a formal dinner at seven (and we sat thirteen at table,
by the way) we spent an hour or so in most pleasant
converse, and then, as Pepys says, to bed.
I shall never forget that plantation house with its rooms
all on one floor, rooms of ample size, say fifty by forty-
six, and filled with antique furniture which caused me
to break the tenth commandment over and over again.
We were told that breakfast was at 1 1 :30, but coffee
would be served in our rooms at whatever time we
chose. "Coffee" proved to be a regular breakfast, and
a delicious one at that. Then we were taken to inspect
some of the operations of the estate. The squire sent a
man to climb a forty-foot cocoanut tree and throw down
a number of ripe cocoanuts for our delectation. Then
all too soon we found it necessary to be on our way. An-
other wonderful drive followed along the shore to Montega
Bay, where we had lunch in a quaint inn, and then left
the ocean and began our ride across the Island.
This proved to be entirely different from what had
gone before, and on the way to Black River while driv-
ing along the mountain side we passed through a tropi-
cal thunder storm. There was a black cloud, a flash
or two of lightning, a peal of thunder and then the delude.
It didn't rain; somebody pulled the plug out, and be-
fore we realized it we were driving along the road which
had been changed into a torrent of rushing water which
came up to the hubs, with now and then a veritable lake
through which our chauffeur proceeded with the assur-
ance that all was well.
5


We thought we had seen much, but the best part was
yet to come. We drove up Malvern Mountain, rising
over four thousand feet above sea level, over a wonder-
ful road which consists of a series of hair pin curves.
The car was most of the time in second speed, and we
fastened our eyes upon the ever changing view, which
comprised a good part of the Island with the ocean in
the distance. I shall never forget it and I hope to re-
peat it.
Over the summit we coasted gently down mile after
mile, and then began the ascent of Spurtree which is steep
and twisting, and which has to be made part of the time
in low and part in second, until we reached the summit
with an engine that was boiling furiously. Here, strung
out across the road were eight or nine urchins, each one
of whom carried a gallon can of water. I learned later
that they had carried their burdens on their heads for
seven miles to get up to this point. We filled the radia-
tor, and I asked the chauffeur whom to pay and how
much. He designated the party and told me to give him
a shilling.
Then we proceeded, dropping down through what
might be called a lane, with rocks overgrown with shrubs
or vines, until we came to our place for the night, Man-
derville, two thousand feet above the sea. Here we
found excellent quarters and good fare.
Next morning we completed our trip by returning
through a still different country to Kingston. We had
seen at least a part of Jamaica, and we agreed that with-
out this trip we would have come home with no idea
whatever of the wonderful Island and its scenery. I
took along a small camera with the idea not of attempt-
ing to take pictures of the scenery, but to get bits of local
color. Some of the natives object very strenuously to be-
ing photographed. Others endure in consideration of a
sixpence or shilling. Once or twice I found one willing
to pose.
Jamaica is a white man's country, there being as I was
informed, four thousand out of the million population.
Living problems are simplified; one needs to buy no coal
and very few clothes. Food is abundant and cheap; labor
ditto. I was informed that the average pay for labor
per day was thirty cents for a man and ninepence for
a woman. I tried my best while on the Island to as-
certain how and where the color line is drawn, but I got
scant information, because there are so many shades of
color. In examining the native huts I found that they
generally contain one window but not always, and rarely
more. At night the native religiously closes tight both
window and door in order to shut out "the undertaker"
which is the evening wind, supposed to bring fever with
it. On the other hand, there is a very delicious and re-
freshing morning breeze which they call "the doctor."
Our boat was scheduled to sail at ten a. m., but we
found that the sailing hour would not be until late in the
afternoon, thus making it possible for us to go through one
of the native markets, which was interesting in the ex-
treme; to pay a visit to King's House, the home of the
Governor, and to take the inevitable afternoon tea with
one of our friends (I could not call him an acquaint-
ance) who was anxious to show us just how he lived.
It was interesting to watch the coaling of the boat
which was done by natives, mostly women, each of whom
carried on her head a hundred pound basket as easily
as if she wore but her Easter bonnet. At the same time
there was a steady stream of natives coming up a steep
incline, each with a bunch of bananas carried on the
head, still another line carrying boxes of oranges in the
same way. Squabbles were frequent and fights occurred
at intervals.
The hour came for "all aboard"and we steamed slowly
down Kingston Harbor, getting one last, perfect view of
the city with its wonderful background. Then followed
five days more of lazy, restful voyaging. We ran the
gauntlet of the health officer, passed the immigration in-
spection and customs inspection and realized that we
were home again. I shall never forget it!
To the doctor who is tired and worn out and who
wants to rest brain and body and to refresh his mind
with new sights and scenes I say in all earnestness, "Take
a jaunt to Jamaica! It's well worth it!"
There is no sun without you, love,
There is no land nor sea;
When you are gone the world is dead
And no bird sings for me.
TO AN ABSCONDER
By J. R. McCarthy.
There is no sun without you, love,
No flower in the glade;
The meadow lands are gray and cold
Where once the daisies played.
Return, my love—and bring the sun,
And bring the land and ocean.
The neighbors think you stole them, and
They're raising some commotion!
6


Wm metrical $ickwirk
THE INVERTEBRATE
By Milton Hahn, M. D.
Consider, my son, the Jelly-fish,
A creature without a spine.
Who drifts on the seas
Before every breeze
Without design.
Everyone likes the Jelly-fish,
He's flaccid and placid and gay,
A likeable chap,
And he don't care a rap
Either way.
He has no support you can lean on,
He is never loyal and true,
Though he will pretend
To be your friend
When the World smiles on you.
He's slippery and sloppy and slimy.
He's an undulant, sinuous ring
That slides him along through the water.
But look out—for the creature can sting!
I know, for there's one I befriended
And humored his every wish.
Now tell me, my son,
Do you know anyone
Who resembles a Jelly-fish?
THE CASH REGISTER
Anna Hamilton Wood, Harrisburg, Pa.
Just a drop, a bite or a taste?
But it registered there on the sheet
Hidden beneath the veneer of skin,
A debt you must some day meet.
Only a little extra strain
Or a muscle worn sore and bruised?
The nerves keep count and do not forget
When neglected or sadly used.
An extra effort today, perhaps,
And tomorrow, next week, next year;
And then a space for resting up
With the doctor's help. Don't fear.
Go at it and cheat this thing we call
Fate, life, or circumstance!
It's all very well 'till we foot the bill
Of the piper who plays for the dance.
When we come to cash in, we can't dispute
For the record was kept to a dot,
And we're charged for every reckless hour.
For omissions which we forget.
For the broken laws and wasted strength,
No medical skill is known
Complex enough to clean the slate
We are debtors to Death, alone!


Gives the drug
A TWOUT.

MRS. JINKS
Slips a uttlb ih
hubbies brba^fast coffee.
you see i haw an outstanding
BILL WITH EVERY OTHER PHYSICIAN
IN TOU/N, SO I FIGUR£Dy0U'R& THE
ONLY ONE WtUlRBftTME!"

^onesy win call UP To-night to say
HE AND I MOST YIStTA SICU. fl#eN2>,
BUT UJB'RE REALLY GOING To TAKE
Tll/0 *SQVABS'p&MTHe"FOLUes*0VT
for supper after trb show!*
time ujilue
EMPTIED A WHOLE
BOTTLE FROM THE
MEDlOHE CHEST
J&H, MR CONDUCTOR, MA SAID I'tJ
ONLY FOURrTO SAVE THE CAR-FARE,
BUT I'M GOING ON SIGHT~V€H,SHE
ALWAYS3>0BS THAT Hit"

"SURE^HATS ft mqvin'Van officer. IMF
Jl/ST MOVED AU THE SILVERWARE, JOOLRY
AND OTHER VALUABLESFROHTh'CORKER HOUSE1-'
IT'S IN THE NEWS.
8


COASTAL OCEAN-WAVES: THEIR ORIGIN,
NATURE, AND WORK
George M. Gould, M. D., Atlantic City, N. J.

HE term Coastal Waves, it is sug-
gested, may be used to designate
those waves of the ocean, large lakes,
rivers, etc., which directly and cease-
lessly roll to the shore. What is
their origin and nature? They are
seen to arise at varying distances from the land, parallel
with the general shore line, and as they advance they
undergo certain changes of form, size, speed, etc., until
they disappear in ripples on the beaches. Whence?
Hov>? and Why? are the questions persistently asked by
children and grownups; or Causes, Nature, Function, and
Results?
The authorities—the nature-philosophers, geographers,
oceanographers, encyclopedists, etc., have uniformly an-
swered "Winds are the cause of all waves"—thus add-
ing to the mystery and increasing the mystification. Be-
cause, as all know, or should know, the winds may be
slight or powerful, or in any direction whatsoever with-
out changing the eternal roll of the waves directly to
the shore. They may be increased in size and speed
with strong, shoreward winds, but no off-shore wind
causes the waves to roll from the land seaward.
And the matter is not only of curious, theoretic, or
schoolboy interest. It vitally concerns the most practical
issues, losses of lives, millions of dollars' worth of prop-
erty, etc. At an expense approximating the value of the
entire real estate, a neighboring city is now building a
most expensive concrete seawall to prevent another pos-
sible destruction such as recently overwhelmed it.
From a coastal elevation and with the help of a
field glass the observer at any time, and with any direction
of the wind, perceives that out at sea (the wide, open
sea, not a bay, nor inlet) the "waves" are, as the chil-
dren say, "higgledipigeldy," with no alignment whatever.
This fortuitous disorder is indeed everywhere over the
entire ocean with any sort of weather, wind, tide, etc.,
—everywhere, that is, except within a mile or two from
shore. But at a quite definite distance from shore the
choppy and disordered surface disappears and there is
a clearly defined tendency and actuality of wave-forma-
tion, alignment, and repetitive action, all moving shore-
ward with more or less regularity; all going through evo-
lutions and histories that are everywhere essentially the
same. With high winds and high tides the waves will
be powerful and short and in varying disorder. But at
low tide and with little or no wind, the waves, particu-
larly in the final stages of advance, may be unbroken
and laterally several miles long, and marching in remark-
able parallelism as, in platoons, they softly roll up the
shallowing ocean floor. These platoons excite attention,
because except on the theory of their origin to be sug-
gested, they show that the streaming from their off-shore
origins is usually at a quite uniform distance off shore, on
a uniformly rising floor, and that the second or emergent
stage varies somewhat according to winds, aerial pres-
sure, etc. But after the breaker stage the irregularities
of speed and alignment are often equalized and the pla-
toons become as exact as with well drilled soldiers.
When no wind whatsoever exists, or where it is straight
off shore, how may such military platoons preserve this
order if "winds make all waves?"
If the attention be fixed upon a single wave from its
first appearance to its ending there will be found four
stages or phases: First, the smooth uplift—more ac-
curately, under-roll—as if some huge porpoise or whale
were moving upward and forward beneath the surface of
the water, and bulging it upward as it comes forward
and toward the shore. There is no likeness to that of
a wave whipped or driven by the wind forward. It is,
in a word, plainly an interaqueous streaming from below
and beyond that comes forward and upward.
In the second or emergent stage, the head of the sub-
surface streaming thrusts itself, or is forced by a vis a
tergo, above the general ocean level. When observed
near the shore it is plain that the whole affair is the prod-
uct of an interaqueous cleaving and streaming upward and
forward, upon a parallel with the angle of ascent, from
a deeper part of the ocean floor. When the stream
reaches the surface it emerges in the shape of a decisive
upthrust, and being temporarily fed or pushed by the
immediately sequent part of the stream below is heaped
up for an instant until it becomes topheavy, and then
follows
The third stage, which by all is known as the breaker.
This modification and continuation of the previous stage
9


is simply the crashing forward and downward of the
emergent head of the stream that has been squeezed and
pushed upward and forward along or near the ocean floor.
By attentive and near observation it is seen that it is not,
as commonly explained, caused by friction of the base of
the wave upon the ocean floor producing the crash for-
ward, the over-roll, etc. The emergent breaker is pri-
marily and essentially a protrusion above the general level
or surface of the ocean at the angle of ascent of the ocean
floor closely guiding and governing the upward stream-
ing from its origin farther out at sea. But there is a
most significant and instructive fact connected with the
second or emergent stage of wave development: Not all
of the emergent currents become breakers at the same
relative moment of time or evolution, and the excep-
tions tell an interesting story. A "close-up" view is bet-
ter and from a standpoint above the shoreward crowd-
ing breakers, thus looking down upon their crests as they
roll beneath. If no foam of a preceding breaker lies in
the trough, throw down a bit of wood "or some leaves.
Soon it may be noticed that just before the breaker-stage
of an oncoming wave has been reached, the foam, the bit
of shingle, the leaves, etc., before it will seem to glide up
and over the smooth oncoming emergent stage and dis-
appear behind it. The fact is proof beyond question
that it is not friction on the ocean floor that causes the
emergent or breaker stage, but that it is simply a slid-
ing forward and upward of the head of the subsurface
streaming. Another conclusive fact as to its origin may
be seen almost every day: the breaker often breaks so
far out to sea that the theory of supposed friction on the
ocean floor cannot, alone, account for the fact.
The final stage of the coastal Wave is easily under-
stood. The forward-pushing crest of the emerging cur-
rent is thrust by its own impetus in advance and crashes
over forward in a wide swirl looking like a great hollow
cylinder of whirling and splintering glass. This cylinder
catches its fill of air, and the foaming, glittering, revolv-
ing push of the beach goes on, as the final phase, until
it dies as a wavering thread of wet sand upon the dry
shore.
In other places and conditions one may find striking
proofs of the existence of these coastal waves, e. g., the
Atlantic City "inlet" stream pours its waters into the
ocean at a right angle to the shore line. Even when its
current is the swiftest, coastal waves arising at or beyond
the bed or base of the oceanward stream are not caught
or killed by the inlet-streaming to the ocean, but con-
tinue their drive to shore, beneath or through the throng-
ing current above and at right angles to it.
Thus closely observed, the details, phases, and histories
of the visible coastal waves demonstrate that they origi-
note at the off-shore bases of superincumbent masses of
water. If there were absolute and persisting calm out
there, and if no tides or winds existed to vary the weights
or pressures upon the bases of the immense water masses,
and if the ocean floor were level instead of inclined, then
of course no basic currents would be thrust shoreward.
But with any great variation of the superincumbent pres-
sures and angles of ascent of the ocean floor there would
be a thrust shoreward of the basic layers of water. The
always increasing weights of water seaward would pre-
vent any escape of the squeeze in that direction. The
tremendous weights of the rising tide, it would seem, fur-
nish the abundant means of breaking up the imagined
or possible equilibrium at the bases of the immense water
columns. Soundings also, as the Government maps show,
demonstrate unequal and haphazard "pockets" and varia-
tions in the depths of the ocean floor, and these add to the
causes of instability, or if differences of pressures at the
bases of the perpendicular water masses. The inevitable
result would be a squeeze or thrust at some critical point
of the bases, and a streaming up the ocean floor at its
average angle of ascent and emergence described as the
first stage. Once in being these ocean floor streamings
would never cease, because the loss of mass or basic pres-
sure would immediately be reinstated by the surface level-
ing, etc. All shore dwellers know that high tides bring
the great breakers, and low tides the least ones. And
it is the conjunction of shoreward-driving hurricanes and
high tides that may bring ruin to sea walls, shore cities,
boardwalks, etc., especially at certain angles of shear.
It is evident that coastal waves will be found wherever
the conditions governing their origin are found; i. e., a
receding ocean or lake floor, and tides, waves, currents,
or other conditions required to break up the supposed or
temporary equilibrium at the bases of the distant super-
incumbent water masses. It seems certain that if an
oceanic island exactly one or several miles square, existed
well off shore, with the ocean floor on all sides of equal
gradient, the coastal waves would come to each shore
line exactly as they do now to the single shore line where
we stand.
Shells, empty or with their living inhabitants, worn
pebbles from distant quarries, bits of strange wreckage,
weeds and grasses with or without their roots, etc., that
otherwise could never have been driven to such distant
10


t€hc UUiiital Pickwick.
shores, often throng the beaches after storms. The shapes
of shells ceem to show that there are great struggles and
many failures to prevent shore wreckage by the wash
of ground currents landward. Has not the gastropod of
the naticas, etc., often the function of an anchorage against
death on the shore?
The direct results of the work of these coastal waves
are more numerous and valuable than has been usually
recognized. What, for instance, makes the summer cro
crowding to the seashores is the coolness created by the
perpetual shoreward waves from the colder off-shore depths
and their spreading out upon the adjacent ocean sur-
face and beaches. By their mere direction, also, they
help to create a cool soft breeze, even in calm weather,
that is wafted a considerable distance inland. The mere
nearness of the ocean to the shore dwellers if there were
no coastal waves, would not lessen the summer heat of
the land borders, and might increase it. The upper ocean
layers would be heated by the sun's rays, and if shore-
ward breezes arose the seashore would be unendurable.
But since the world began these coastal waves have
been at their great task of land making. About thirty-
five years ago the water at high tides came to the Atlantic
City lighthouse grounds. At present it is several squares
distant. The old shore line formed ages before there
was a sign of this island in existence is now several miles
north of us. All such made land, as we know, is the
result of the sand first milled by the waves of the North-
eastern "Stern and Rockbound Coasts," and brought
nearer our own shores by the great ocean currents. May
it not be found that the vast Atlantic Continental Shelfs
of Sand are from the same milling and heaped up by the
same mechanism as in the formation of our visible coastal
waves and their land making? It seems otherwise im-
possible to account for the gigantic massings and their
permanency, bordering the tremendous depths between.
Leastwise every coastal wave has brought its tribute of
sand to the beaches of all these southern states of ours
from New York to Florida, inclusive. The greater part
of the land acreable is their work. The debt of man and
his civilization to the coastal waves is probably far greater
than to all other influences of winds, tides, rain, rivers,
etc.
I have several times seen a rare and striking variation
in the evolution and transformation of these waves, which,
while it changed the history, still strikingly demonstrated
and illustrated the theory suggested: The time was mid-
winter and there had recently been a heavy fall of snow
added to the thick, gruel-like slush of broken ice and half-
frozen water along the coast for a hundred feet or more
seaward. The temperature of the pasty mixture was ap-
proximately that of freezing, and it was so dense that the
shoreward waves could not break through it, as the usual
breaker does, so that this surface breaker only swelled
it upward to twice the usual height and volume, followed
by a lazy roll and rebound oceanwards, with a dull,
crunching and crackling sound, as it receded and ad-
vanced again to the charge. The phenomenon seemed
made happily to illustrate the origin and nature of the
wave-theory above suggested.
The foregoing up to this paragraph was completed and
copied before a severe storm along our coasts. Atlantic
City escaped much injury but the "neighboring city" al-
luded to, despite its magnificent new concrete seawall was
almost destroyed. The inevitable "northeaster" came,
and at such a shearing angle that irresistible masses of
combined coastal and hurricane-driven waves brought ruin
fb the concrete seawall. Thus the lesson has again been
taught that the wind-driven waves of the ocean may
wreck the mightiest and most cunningly contrived wall
if it is not so constructed that the waves will be shorn
of their greatest height, volume, and velocity before they
reach the wall. Massings of large quarry rocks placed at
the critical distance from shore, reaching from the ocean
floor to the high-tide surface, is the sole and certain
method of preventing all such catastrophes.

MAKE HIS
PRESCRIPTION
OUT NOW I

II


The Hicockalorum and the Oodle-Doodle Bug
By Cara B. Tower.
Said the Hicockalorum to the Oodle-Doodle Bug,
As they rested, after dining on the Oriental rug:
"There are many, many things
That invite investigation; so I think I'll try my wings
In search of that experience which only travel brings."
Said the Oodle-Doodle Bug, with a lazy yawn and
shrug:
"You silly thing! You'll never find another Persian
rug
With apartments half so snug
As the one that you are leaving.
(O'er the parting I am grieving!)
A place to sleep, good wool to eat—
What bug needs more to make life sweet?"
But the Hicockalorum would not listen to advice.
She stretched her legs; she spread her wings, and flapped
them once or twice;
And through the open window she was sailing in a
trice!
Out, out into the world she flew.
Where summer scents were wafted, and the summer
sky was blue—
Seeking what, she hardly knew.
And the Oodle-Doodle Bug,
Snuggling deeper in the rug.
Murmured sleepily, "Good-bye,"
As, with a soft, complacent sigh,
She settled down to dream bug dreams
Of woof, and warp, and deep, dark seams.
The Hicockalorum, who had never learned to fly
Very far, nor very high.
Was glad to rest a moment on a little twig near by.
Her adventure ended there.
Robin Redbreast, seeking fare
For his children, cleft the air
On strong wings, and in a minute.
To his nest returning, in it
Dropped the Cockalorum bug
That had ventured from the rug
Where her friend, the Oodle-Doodle, lay a-dreaming,
warm and snug.
But what is this?
Something's amiss!
Gone are the Oodle-Doodle's dreams!
Her world is upside-down, it seems!
A draft of air quick terror brings!
Despairing, to the rug she clings,
As back and forth it madly swings
Outside the window, where winds blow.
The Oodle-Doodle's mind is slow;
What's happening, she does not know,
Except that soon she must let go
Her hold upon the Persian rug.
Oh, most unhappy Oodle Bug!
Robin Redbreast, seeking fare
For his children, cleaves the air;
And returning in a minute
To his nest, he drops within it
A fainting Oodle-Doodle Bug,
Just shaken from a Persian rug.
PHOTOGRAPHY
By Ralph M. Thomson.
Because in every woman's eyes
Each man may see, who looks with care,
An image of himself, that lies
Unquestionably featured there—
It does not follow he will find
The portrait that appears so fond
To him especially, outlined
Or pictured on the heart beyond.
THE WAIST LINE
By Ralph M. Thomson.
He longed to put his arm about
Her waist, and hug her tightly,
For she was stylishly rigged out.
And pretty, coy, and sprightly;
But in the aggravating dress
To which she had consigned it.
He made of his attempt a mess.
Because he could not find it.
NO REDUCTION.
The doctor had a lovely dream
It lasted but a minute.
He dreamed each patient paid his bill
For all that there was in it!
12


3Thc IttciiitHl ^iciiwtrki *
HE MERELY MISUNDERSTOOD.
"In 20,000 years," explained the scientist, "we will
revert to a race of anthropoids."
"What's that?" anxiously inquired a nervous man in
the rear of the hall as he leaped to his feet.
"Why, I said we would revert to a race of anthro-
poids in 20,000 years," answered the scientist.
"Oh," exclaimed the nervous one, sitting down with
an audible sigh of relief, "I thought you said we would
revert to a race of animals in 2,000 years."
A REAL SLIDE.
"I understand your son Oswald received some injuries
sliding bases in that game with the Scrub Oak team,"
said Farmer Perkins.
"Yes," confirmed Farmer Gray, "he sprained his ankle
and they took him to the hospital in the avalanche."
NO JUDGE, AT ALL
A tourist stopped at the four corners and asked the
first man he saw, as to who was the best doctor in the
village.
"Wall," said he, "I always recommend Doc Fixxum."
"Are you a good judge," the tourist asked.
"Jedge? Law no, mister. I'm the undertaker."
JOHN UPTON.
La Fargeville, N. Y.
AN AWAKENING
The returned soldier hastened into the house. His
wife was at the kitchen stove applying polish. He stepped
quietly up behind her and put his arms around her.
"Two quarts of milk and a pint of cream tomorrow,"
she said, without looking up.

THE CAUSE AND CURE OF HEART DISEASE.
13


flic UUttcal #itlurrirk
TREASURE TROVE
By Harry S. Reynolds, M. D.
According to recent advices from abroad. Professor
Newitt Alder Tyme, the eminent archaeologist, has made
a notable find in the ruins of Aesophagus, an ancient city
of Trachea. He is reported to have unearthed some
bronchial tablets bearing inscriptions from the writings of
the philosophers Anaphylaxis, Diplococcus, Paranoia and
Anthrax, and the poet Hydrocephalus. There wonder-
ful tablets were found under the ruins of the Aortic Arch,
close beside the old Alimentary Canal.
The writings are more or less incomplete ("not-all-
there," in other words), but one dainty mythological
fragment survives to enrich posterity. It is attributed to
Hydrocephalus and relates to the Siege of Peruna. It
tells how Janos, the war-lord of the Hunyadis, incited
by the wily nymph Eczema, persuaded Phenacetine, the
wife of his rival Dementia Praecox, to elope with him
to his fortified camp at Acetabulum. Phenacetine became
afflicted, en route, with symptoms of pedifrigia and sought
the protection of the goddess Aphasia. The latter brought
her safely home just in time to prevent the demise of her
lord Dementia Praecox, who was on the point of suc-
cumbing to an acute attack of calor sub collaro.
There is no further mention of Janos, but it is assumed
that he was also attacked with calor sub collaro which
was pandemic at that period. Nothing has elicited so
much furore in scientific and literary circles since the
discovery of the fossil remains of a Pneumothorax in the
Biliary Gravels of the Hypochondriac Epoch by Profes-
sor U. Bowen Hedd, the distinguished palaentologist.

When Women Take Up Railroading.
I am sorry this train does not stop at Greentown.
The conductor of this car and the station mistress are
not speaking.
SUSPICIOUSLY SERIOUS
By Dr. William W. Arnold.
The good wife of the minister had met with a dread-
ful accident and the physician rendering first aid was
asked as to the prognosis of the case and replied: "Sir,
she has ceased to breathe and the radial artery no longer
pulsates."
"Indeed," replied the minister. "Do you consider the
symptoms dangerous, doctor?"
Guess Which Doctor Has the Largest Practice
By B. Wise, M. D.
This is what Dr. Goodman prescribes for a cold:
Quin. Sulph.
Pulv. Ipecac et Opii aa. . . . gr. X
M. Ft. chart. No. IV.
Sig.: One every 3 hours.
A. Goodman, M. D.
While this is what Dr. Wise prescribes:
Spts. Frumenti flf, XVI
Sig.: 5 IV in hot water every 2 hours.
B. Wise, M. D.
FIERY TOOTHACHE
By C. H. Packer.
The village doctor had recently prescribed aspirin tab-
lets for Mandy, the effects of which she considered re-
markable. A little while later Mandy visited the doctor's
office and said: "Doctah, Rastus has a mighty bad
toothache. Has youall got any mo' ob dem dar asbestos
tablets?"

14


jt^iftlu fUetocal Pickwicks *
f
WW f

Said the killer in cell twenty-two,
Whose days all but one were taboo:
"It isn't the hanging that I'll mind so much;
It's the boils on my neck that the rope's going to touch.'
MEDICAL MISCELLANY
F. V. Waddy, Los Angeles, Cal.
NO PLACE FOR DOCTORS.
The patient, an old lady, was sinking fast. She knew
her end was near. A physician stood at the bedside.
After a short doze she opened her eyes, looked about
her a moment as if puzzled, and then exclaimed: "Ah!
I must have died—and this is heaven!" Then noticing
the doctor, she sank back on the pillows exhausted, and
added in a tone of disappointment: "Oh, no—it can-
not be, for I see Doctor Blank!"
AMBIGUOUS.
At an annual meeting of medical men an important
debate was in progress, and as one member ended his
speech and sat down, the next at once arose and an-
nounced with enthusiasm:
"I wish to express emphatic agreement with what has
just been said, and I would embrace especially the lat-
ter part of Dr. Smith."
HOME REMEDIES
By Ray Hoppman.
In every well organized household there is a shelf in
some handy place on which are remedies purposely kept
in stock with which to experiment with human life. That
little shelf is the reason why physicians go about in
flivvers and undertakers leisure along in limousines.
There is no denying that every person has the idea that
he possesses the one and only "Cure for all" secret. He
will make medicine out of egg shells and orange peels
and patiently wait for a brother or a dog to get the
measles so that he can experiment.
It is an occasion for much rejoicing when a member
of the family is taken ill, for it gives fathers and mothers
and the long line of brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles and
second cousins the long sought for opportunity to experi-
ment with the sassafras root, rhubarb plants or whatever
it may be.
In fact, it is like a game. Each one takes a guess at
what the particular illness may be. If, for instance, one
has a backache, mother looks into his eyes and swears
he has the smallpox. She immediately hauls him to bed
and pumps about three quarts of radish juice and egg
brine down his throat. Father, of course, disagrees and
says it looks like the measles to him and rushes for the
bottle containing watermelon seeds and crabapple water,
his own concoction.
Uncle thinks he is merely choking and inserts his index
finger down the victim's throat in a vain effort to remove
the fishbone or whatever it may be. Then come the aunts,
brothers, sisters and second cousins. When they get
through with him, he is a walking apothecary shop, liable
to arrest for dealing in drugs and medicines without a
license.
Although the vict m is twisting his toes for the last time
and the physician residing only two doors away, they
unanimously declare all medical men quacks and apply
their cure for all a second time. If it were not for home
remedies this country would have enough young men on
hand to put an army of 30,000,000 in the field.
Strange as it may seem, persons seldom use their own
remedies when they themselves are ill. Perhaps they un-
selfishly want to save the supply for a fond brother or
uncle. One reason why people keep dogs is because they
can try the effects of their health producers on them.
Dogs, by the way, are not as plentiful as they used to be.
If canines could speak, they'd say some mighty interest-
ing things.
No wonder so many physicians get discouraged and
become motormen.
15



MORE DISARMAMENT REASONS.
"One federal building in Wall Street, New York, now
holds gold coin and bullion having a value of $1,500,-
000,000. This is one-fifth of all the gold that has been
produced in the world since the beginning of civiliza-
tion. Never before has so much of the precious yellow
metal been collected in one place at one time."—Floyd
W. Parsons, in World's Work-
We reacted to the above paragraph. Are we too poor
to pay delayed adjusted compensation to soldiers who
made possible this collection of gold? Are we a set of
national asses to invoke disarmament in the presence of
the greatest national wealth with the least guard over
it? We are. No other nation would dream of such
Utopian, impractical dreams. The dreams will come to
but one end—an even greater war than the last.
Disarmament is a fad, led by Bryan-minded females;
but if their lobby is wealthy enough they will get some-
where, at that. They will put us in a precarious condi-
tion of non-protection.
REGARDLESS OF HIS PRESS-AGENTING.
If Harding were to run again for President and the
voting were to be tomorrow, we'd bet 8 to 5 that he'd
be defeated by as large a vote as he got when elected.
But you can't tell 'em this in Washington, where they
think Democrats are extinct. The middle west knows a
few things, however.
MILEAGE.
This Ford story is going the rounds and we might as
well give it further circulation. "A man driving a Mar-
mon came up to a filling station. Said he, 'How far is
it to St. Louis?' The attendant replied, '113 miles.'
'Better give me 20 gallons of gas.' And he drove away.
A man driving a Dodge came up and asked, 'How
far is it to St. Louis?' The attendant replied, '113
miles.' 'Better give me about 1 5 gallons of gas.' And
he drove away. A man driving a Ford skidded up.
'How far is it to St. Louis?' he asked, and was told
that it was 1 1 3 miles. 'Gimme a quart of water and
a squirt of 3-in-l Oil—and hold her till I can get back
in!'"
THE DARING FORDIST.
Speaking of automobiles, why does a Ford driver al-
ways "pick on" a big, seven-passenger, and shimmie by
with a half inch between himself and you? He never
picks on another Ford. In a week one has saved the
lives of seven Ford drivers by slamming on brakes and
sliding to avoid the daring birds. Some day we may
decide to head-on some wild bird and carry him a mile
on the windshield, b'gosh!
Preachers preach. Doctors practice.
PLAYING BOTH ENDS.
"When I'm called to a case I always give a grave
prognosis," said a busy physician, in partial confidence.
"If the patient does not live, then I was right. If the pa-
tient lives I am a wonderful doctor to have pulled him
through."
Said another: "In obstetrical cases I am often asked
for my opinion as to the sex of the child to be born. I
ascertain the desire of the mother. If she wishes a girl
I say it will be a boy. If a girl, is born she is so de-
lighted that she forgets my guess. If a boy, she is sure
to think I had some uncanny foresight."
TYPES.
Yesterday we heard two physicians quote the Bible.
It made us think that doctors who live in the country,
because of associations with leading men of their towns,
are perhaps more religious and less cynical than the city
physician. They are also likely to be more narrow and
provincial in philosophy.
Men who repair batteries for our automobiles play
a wicked game on repair fees. It's so hard to prove
them the liars we know they are.
The Lord must love a cheerful liar—there are so many
of 'em.
16


Not that we'd ever pan an endocrinist, but words
sometimes are too suggestive. F'r instance, the "poly" in
"polyglandular."
While you are tooting your own horn, don't forget
that the G-U men are great fellers to hold organ re-
citals!
Being on the subject of more or less musical instru-
ments, what must be duller in life than to be a player
of the alto horn and have to sit and "put," only to vary
it with "put, put?"
Nurses, who take two years, ought to learn all of
their work in six months and graduate. It only takes a
few weeks for them to learn to curtesy and say, "Yes.
doctor," and "No, dotor," to give a hypodermic, make up
beds, lose sleep and hate interns. Why take two years?
It has been suspected that the hospitad desired, in the
past, some free labor and thus established the long course.
Nothing is more interesting than to see a beautifully trained
nurse person under the influence of orders from some
grand fatherly old doctor who would just as soon ex-
pectorate in a hypodermic syringe, in emergency, as not!
To hark back to the original thought, a nurse can find out
all she needs to know of nursing and allied subjects (in-
cluding peculiar and eccentric physicians who wouldn't
know a germ and who still declare that diphtheria anti-
toxin kills children) in six months, including a two weeks'
vacation!
WHICH IS THE PSYCHOPATH?
One of the things that add white hairs to a doctor's
head is that species of "crepe hanger" who visits the ner-
vous patient and assures her that her diagnosis is cancer;
there was a lady who had it, with the same symptoms, et
cetera, and ad nauseum. Wherefore must the devoted
doctor again call and lay a curse on interfering, ignorant,
addle-pated fools!
NOW, GRANDPA, THINK HARD! WHEN
DID YOUR BOWELS MOVE?
If you had a thin dime for each time you asked a
patient if, or when, his bowels moved, and you've been
licensed for ten years, you could retire forever on the
money. The bowels remain as always an inglorious but
highly important subject for scientific ponderings.
OUT WITH 'EM.
Wilkins, when you leave to give the dog his afternoon's
afternoon, please take with you this can. It has sealed
within it the words "foci," "etiology," "biliousness,"
"tonus," and a few other time-tried and well-worn medi-
cal terms. Dump the can, Wilkins; dump it in the gar-
bage, since there are thousands of other unused words.
HELL.
A gentleman who specializes on nervous and mental
diseases says that his idea of torment in hell is to be in
hell, surrounded by psychosed patients, each babbling of
symptoms. A pediatrician, one suspects, must think of.
hell as a place where countless nurses hand him millions
of stool-filled diapers, while an obstetrician would think
of it as a place where labor pains never end. Well, every
man for his own hell, as the old lady said when she
gargled phenol.
That sag to the doctor's shoulders is due to the fact
that so many people use his shoulders as a place on which
to weep.
One might as well keep the light—it will help to heat
the office. But you probably remember the place up in
the attic where you stored the old static machine, and later
on, the wall plate with a dozen modalities of current?
Move things around and make room for the basal meta-
bolism can—its next place is the attic.
Don't leave where a young child can find them and eat
for candy A. B. and S. pills, or Hinkle's. Most of
these formulae contain Strychnine 1/60 gr. in each pill,
yet no poison label is required for.such pills or tablets.
We daily question many things, including the infal-
libility of the Journal of the American Medical Associa-
tion; the danger of giving digitalis; the gullibility of men
of large affairs; the real worth of any motion picture;
how the melting pot can absorb all the trash flung upon
our shores; why all public utilities are basically so crooked
in their dealings when honesty would pay higher returns—
and many more.
SAYS WHICH?
A quote: "The Statue of Liberty, with arm uplifted,
speechless—"
Sing Lo.
17


MRS. THOMAS GRIMALKIN
(Carelessly Overlooked in Spoon River Anthology.)
By Georgiana Cheeseman, New York City.

WAS the Family Cat, cursed with the
feline gift of nine lives.
One by one they appear before
my vision—clarified by death—and
to you, passersby, I relate each his-
tory:
The First I lost at the tender age of one week, when
my up-to-date mother, in frenzied protest against
maternity, gave me a murderous nip. Little Dora Quig-
ley planted what was left of me under the pungent "cat-
nip" and watered me with her tears.
My Second terminated when I was cat-apulted by a
jealous soprano from the ridge-pole to the spikes of a
picket fence. My remains, being in a (catty) gory con-
dition were dumped into the ash barrel and carted off
next day to parts unknown.
My Third came to an ignominious end by falling into a
pounding barrel full of smelly soapsuds; the adjacent bull
frogs croaked a requiem over my final resting places—
the pond into which I was poured.
My Fourth succumbed to slow starvation while ma-
rooned on top of a telegraph pole. Too late came rescue,
and my emaciated carcass was incinerated with other
debris in a bonfire. Beware ambition!
My Fifth was prematurely ended by too speedily gulp-
ing down fish heads, whose bones choked me to death.
My fur was preserved and is now worn as a summer neck-
piece by Olga Nitsvitch, the Quigley's maid-of-no-work.
My Sixth was snuffed out by acute indigestion, caused
by the accumulated feathers of sixteen gluttonous "Early
Birds" packed in my interior. After being further stuffed
I was presented to a museum and labeled "American
Wild Cat."
My Seventh ended in a fit after swallowing poison
spread under the barn for rats—my ancient enemy. By
the irony of fate I was devoured piece-meal by them;
in my death I was divided!
My Eighth was lost after a battle with Bill Jones'
mastiff. That dog bears marks of the conflict to this day
in the shape of a tattered ear and one empty eye socket.
He nightly howls on my grave and claws at the earth
that covers my avenged bones sepulchered in the barn-
yard.
In my Ninth, and Last, I attained the summit of my
earthly desires: I bore many kittens whom I brought up
to become ornaments of society. I rid Jacob Quigley's
house of mice and became a pampered pet, wearing a
gold locket on a sky-blue neckband, and in winter an
embroidered chest protector. I slept on a purple velvet
pillow in my own "rocker." At a sleek and cushioned
old age I was gathered to these eight previous incarna-
tions and given decent burial by my spinster mistress in
this grave in the Quigley family plot from which I speak.
Requies—SCAT!

18


MAY SHE BE FORGIVEN
By Edla Park Peck.
Hello; this is the doctor's phone;
I'm sorry, Mrs. Hall;
He's just this moment started out
Upon an urgent call.
Hello; this is the doctor's wife;
Good morning, Mrs. Stover.
Why, yes, I think that he'll be home
Soon as the meeting's over.
Hello; he isn't in just now;
What is it, Mrs. Pool?
Oh! yes; I'm looking for him back
Right after Sunday school.
Hello; he's due most any time;
I'll tell him, Mrs. Ray;
I rather think he may have stopped
At the Y. M. C. A.
Hello; the doctor isn't in;
The church—oh! is that you, Min?
Now really, Min, it is no sin,
Just part of the life of a doctor's wife
This slight—prevarication
I'm taking calls—he's driving balls;
Oh! Sabbath recreation.

HE COULD RECOMMEND THEM
By Edla Park Peck.
"Now, these chocolate pills," confidently smiled the
doctor to the star patient, "there were some at the house
and I took three myself last evening and when we doc-
tors—" He paused to take up the phone. "Henry,"
came a voice over the wire, "have you see anything of
those three brown shoe buttons that were here on the
dresser?"
FOR COMFORT AND RELIEF
He had just undergone a serious operation. Then the
surgeon discovered something had been neglected. An-
other operation. Three times this occurred, when the
patient wearily asked, "Why don't you sew a button on
it?"
Prof. Scrape, noted vivisectionist, makes a bad show-
ing at carving turkey.
Business is again good. The fellow who says it is
rotten is likely trying to snuggle away some income tax
where it will not be found. Business will be still better
when prices are lowered.
19


.Che Ulciiical f ickwiriu
KEEP AN EYE ON SADIE
By Florence Brewster Wikingsson, Langeloth, Pa.

EAR MIN: Am glad the laundry
has give you a job so you won't have
to sponge no more on your steppa and
maybe want to borrow money or
close off me. I need underwear aw-
ful bad and don't get much chance
to get any here where I work in the hospitul cept nite-
gowns which I will trade you; I full gown for 2 or 3
soots of underwear accordian to how many hems, lace
or tucks, etc., it has and how many buttons is missin'.
A pashunt here told me if my body was made of what
my hed was I could use Le Page's glue to keep my
close on with; that it worked good holdin' chair legs,
wagon wheels and base drums in place. Maybe I will
get a toob insted of usin' the 2 cards of safety .pins I
have keepin' me together now. You wanta be awful
careful you don't get none of your arms or hands caught
in the mangel. It would be fierce to be married and not
abel to defend yourself if he holds out some of his pay
on you or brings some of his relituves for you to cook
for or maybe gets filled up on lemming extract. But you
don't need to worry about gettin' beat up by no hus-
band for with jobs so scarce to keep yourself on how
could you get one to keep a family on? Fellas is more
particular now about looks and ability to wear short skirts
than your pa and my pa was. A good way to get a
husband is to keep borders and be easy on collectin' till
some fella has run up a big bill. Then put on a good
lookin' waste and high heel shoes and wash your face and
comb your hair outo your eyes and not laff too much if
your teeth ain't good and tell him he can take his choice
of 3 things—1, pay up which he can't; 2, go to jail
which he won't; or 3, give you marridge which he will
rather than get in deeper troubel. A husband got like that
makes a good border cause he will quit his job so as to
be there rite at meal time to set a good exampel and is
a good hand to collect the money for you and when
he needs tobacco will go to the grocery store after the
turnips and hominy to feed the borders on. If you keep
him in good lookin' shirts it will give tone to your place
so a few yds. of goods will maybe make a poor invest-
ment pay you. I have alius noticed that the flys are
awful bad in a place where the landlady has a husband
stickin' around too lazy to get outa the way of a huk-
kleberry pie what she has dropped. When it is a pie
no longer and is dished up to the borders as Victory
puddin' I see where the landladys get evened up on bum
husbands. The law steps in if she scalls him what he
is—and does what she should to him, but her puddin's
is her own bisiness. Ever hear of moonlite excursions
or other trips to enjoy yourself (if you don't get your
pocket picked or lunch stole) for landladys other than
makin' sower crout on the back porch after the borders
and the cat is fed and the husband is shootin' kelly some-
where with what he has collected? No, her moonlite ex-
cursions is to bed for she is all drug out from hard work
and her only trips will be to the hospitul for stomach
troubel from tastin' to see how little she can put into it
and still call it food. Borders ain't alius the goats.
They brung a guy up here on my floor today what was
crazy enuf to try to kill hisself and prices comin' down
on everything cept casketts and who should worry about
them as you don't get tradin' stamps with* em no more
only palm leaf fans? They ast him if he was married
and he sed no, but don't let my mother-in-law in. Ain't
that comic? He had to marry to get the mother-in-law
so why ain't he married if he don't want the mother-in-
law let in?
Flossy.
No. 2.
Dear Min:
I had to laff when I see what was in the package you
sent over here with your littel brother. If you had sent
someone who had any sense and could understand what
I mean when I call 'em names it would be better cause
I had to explain to everybuddy in the room what I
thought of you and then got called by the sister who
sed my mouth needed rinsin' in lye more than the floors
needed cleanin'—and not to get so mad again cause there
was perfect ladys wantin' to come in place of me. If
she had seen your note sayin' how you pretty near got
ketched by the forelady gettin' 'em for me I sure would
have lost my character here cause of the nitegown. The
nurve of you wantin' to give me them 2 soots of under-
wear for a nitegown and 30c besides givin' the kid a
penny for a sucker. Why one was for a lady what
had bin in a accident and didn't need a full soot or else
had lopped off part to wash a window with and the en-
vellup chemise was about rite for a elephunt. And to
think the nitegown I had figgered on tradin' you was nifty
20


ChelllcMcja^ickurirk.
enuf for the forelady of your place herself. I am goin'
to make a deal with one of the gurls here for a phono-
graft record what only has one scratch on it and fifty
cents cash and dip into her face powder when I feel
like it. She works in the kitchen and is good to be
friends with when the peach and tomato seasin is on.
The pashunt I was tellin' you about tryin' to kill hisself
looks like he has a tomato or somethin' squashed on his
face where the acid burned and take it from me he
will never join no fife and drum corpeses no more nor
even whistle for his dog. The kids will have to kiss
poppa on the forehead when they run to meet him pay-
days after this. He is awful nervis and has a sine on
his door sayin' he is asleep and can't be disturbed by
no one. A lady come up today and pulled a lot of my
gawd maggie stuff all over the corridur in front of the
sine sayin'—"Think what a man can be drove to. O
momma, momma." When he herd the momma part he
began to flop in the bed like a fish and run his tem-
prachure up so the nurse told the lady to go home and
wash off her forehed and smell some salt. If she had sed
ginger or mustard I could see some sense, but salt is
to taste not smell. The lady went but come rite back
bringin' some ice cream but it didn't look good to him
so it was given to me. She camped rite by the sine and
every time a nurse went in she tried to ease in, too, but
the nurse was too cute for her and pushed her back.
When nite come and she was still tryin' to get in like a
sheriff with no writ the man sed if she was alone to
let her come but if a aid parrot faced dame was along
to keep 'em both out. This 1 et the lady in cause she was
with herself. She went over to the bed and begun to
cry all over it and mess up everything in her grief at
seein* his face cooked with acid so he couldn't be proved
by what he used to look like. After she sprinkled him
good with her teers she ast if he didn't feel kinda dry
and parched and would he like a bottel of pop. He was
cranky and sed no Iivin' human was goin' to rub it in
that way, that he had enuf of everythin' and everybuddy
and just wanted to die, but before he did there was
one guy he would like to see Dempsey in the ring with.
I think he might have bin sport enuf to let her get him
a couple bottels of pop for I like it just as good as ice
cream. Time for bed, Min.
Flossy.
No. 3.
Dear Min:
I hear how you got spilled all over the pavement out
motorin' with a gent and his 2 kids along so folks won't
talk cause his wife was home with a toothache. I bet
it would have did her face good to see you drapin' the
landscape with a green organdy dress you borrowed off
Sadie Urch and the kids squallin' and yellin' for their
ma and everybuddy thinkin' you was her, and the hot
sun purty near ketchin' Bill's celluloid collar afire. You
must have looked comic lying there in the rode with your
elbows skinned and the policemen tellin' Bill them bas-
kett motorcycles was agin the law in town anyway,
and that he had lots to learn about motorin' but come
with him and he would take him B 4 a guy who would
tell him plenty for 5 dollars. It was good for you that
you could keep the kids quiet with ice cream cones so
you could smooth things with their ma while Bill was
gettin' his at a bar with no brass rail only the law to
keep him steddy. If his foot should feel around for
somethin' to lean on it might be a policeman's corn and
liable to cost anuther five spot. You can have a fine
time in a littel while some places. Look out now when
Bill and his wife make up (and they will cause she will
want money to get her teeth fixed) that they don't make
you pay for bustin' the machine cause you will have
your hands full gettin' square with Sadie Urch, and
have already spent a dime for 2 ice cream cones and
could have rode just as far on a street car for that much
money. Money raises Iottsa hell these days. More than
in Adam's time, for no one cares a fig now what they
done then, for Eve had nuthin' on some modern dames.
Money starts everythin' now, stops it and upsetts things,
too, for didn't Bill think he seen a 2 dollar bill and
was lookin' again which made him run into the Cadillic.
Money was what got that guy's mouth burned with acid
when he tried to kill hisself I betcha a day's tipps, cause
to told me today to give him his pants that he wanted
to get somethin' outa the pocket. I got 'em quick for
I smelled a tipp, but got stung as well a5 him for there
was nuthin' there cept a knife and a key wring. Between
old parrot face and that soda guy I'll be a mainiak he
raved with his sore mouth. Burnin' is too good for
some, but it seems like it's too bad for this fella. I
Ruess most folks would rather take their burnin' after they
is ded than when they are enjoyin' life.
Flossy.
No. 4.
Dear Min:
You done fine to square things with Sadie by givin'
her back her dress all tore and 2 bath towels, or the
dress mended with yellow thred and a jest towel and
promise not to tell it on you. You were sorta foolish to
give her her choice cause when she starts out talkin'
about you behind your back there will be nuthin* choice
21


about that and you'll get all she gives you, too, only
you won't get to hear more than the very worst parts
not countin' the lies, but you probably figger that a lie
ain't the most awful she can tell on you. I wouldn't
have much to do with Sadie if I was you. I don't un-
less when I go to her house and stay so long they have
to invite me to eat which they only have to ast once.
Her ma alius works me for a cheap earfull on doctorin"
and nursin' course of course I get to know the bisiness
purty good workin' here in the hospitul. Sadie is tryin'
to get a job in Frank & Seder's basement, but if they
knew her like I, they would not take her on not even
for chewin' gum change. When she grows up and is a
mother-in-law she is goin' to be parrot faced and raise
cain with her gurl's marridge bonds and nag her son-in-
law like hell, and finally get her gurl to leave him shift
for hisself while her and her old parrot faced ma live
in the flat what he worked like a dog to furnish, and he
have to pay the rent and keep the ice box full for them
while they sit around dressed up nice all the time like
lady book agents or rubber goods salesladies. Then when
they have had a good vacation from mendin' his does and
cookin' for him old parrot face goes down where he
works on the quiet and tells him he must furnish more
coin, that they want to sit around more and be dressed
better and when he says he can't furnish more cause his
pay has been cut sellin' tennis racketts and everybuddy
having a rackett nearly, old parrot face says, very well,
another gent, a owner of a ice cream parlor and pop
stand would just love to have the honor if he would only
give 'em grounds for a absoloot divorse instead of the
kind the judge did give 'em. It hadn't rained much lately
and the poor tennis rackett broker couldn't think of
nuthin' else but killin' hisself for he knew no cool headed
guy like a pop merchant would have old parrot face,
and if his wife was took by another man there was
nuthin' left for him but the mother-in-law or carbollic
acid, so he took the acid and could you blame him?
Sadie will be just like her, mark my words, Min, I know.
That was how it was with the fella I was tellin' you
about here on my floor, that I pretty near got a tipp
from, and when I think of old parrot face I can just
see Sadie with her drers mended in yellow thred and a
jest towel in her hand, all ready to be mean to a son-in-
law when the gets one. Remember what I adviced
you, Min.
Flossy.


OBITER DICTA
The Genius of Some Folks consists in an Infinite Ca-
pacity for Giving, not taking, Pains.
Man has a deep seated and almost unconscious, hence
vehemently denied, dislike for cold fact and dispassion-
ate science. He prefers the Fairy Tale which flatters
his Hopes and Emotions.
Man is an Animal that beats its Young; shows pleas-
ure by uncovering its Fangs; Sorrow, by letting its Eyes
run Water; and Studies the Laws of Nature in order to
violate them.
Former Sweat Shop Workers make the most ardent
Employers, and Sons of the Capitalist make the most
determined Radicals.
Phrenology and Physiognomony are typical Fake Sci-
ences, according to which an acromegalic skull or a
rachitic "Thurm Schaedel" was interpreted as an index
of ideality or philoprogenitiveness. As a matter of fact,
endocrinology has taught us that "bumps" are meaning-
less compared with eye-brows, spaced teeth, finger nails,
and to on.
MEDICAL METAPHYSICS.
The term "functional" applied to disease is a confes-
sion of intellectual poverty and as such a reproach to
medical science. It really means a disease, the organic
changes in which have not yet been discovered, and is hav-
ing a more and more limited application, as we find
that all organic changes are not revealed by the micro-
scope or the test tube. Physical chemistry and endo-
crinology show us that the changes may be largely qualita-
tive, and so we are getting away from our histological
obsessions.
There is a Washington's Farewell Address in every
department of human thought, not only in State-craft,
which can be quoted against everything which makes for
reform, change, and progress. And most of all in Medi-
cine.
IT STANDS TO REASON—OR DID, ONCE
UPON A TIME.
That the Sun moves, and the Earth stands still.
That, if the world were round, people at the anti-
podes would fall off.
That chills and fever are caused by swamp air, and
typhoid fever by sewer gas.
ONE IS BORN EVERY MINUTE.
No, not Fools this time, but entirely new, original, and
perfection-promising Plans of Education, and of Medi-
cine.
THINGS I LOVE.
Men who munch Candy in public.
Shoe polish tins with covers that won't come loose.
Hermetically sealed minds.
Lukewarm drinking water.
Plays with a Pleasant Ending.
People who say, "I love that," when they hear a new
story.
PROVERBIAL WISDOM.
You can catch more flies with honey than with vin-
egar. But, suppose you want not to catch, but to escape
from, the flies—or other pests?
Heaven is a Place of Blessed Rest provided for those
who have Hell on Earth provided by the same Pur-
veyors of Paradise.
Among the Blind the One-Eyed Man is King. Not
at all. Among the Blind the longest Blind is King, or,
maybe, the one who is Deaf, as well. The One-Eyed
Man is generally the "dangerous Revolutionary" who
objects to being led by the Blind.
TRAGEDY IN MEDICAL PRACTICE.
The Prescription that "worked like a charm," but
which, unfortunately, we forgot to jot down.
CRANKS.
Some folks cannot eat or work or rest in a room where
there is noise, dirt, or strife. And so, there are some, of
like make-up, who cannot rest or be happy while there is in
that other room, the wide, wide World, strife, dirt, noise.
23


PRACTICAL EUGENICS
By H. C. Coe, M. D.. New York City.
As Holmes wittily said, the treatment of a patient be-
gins with his or her grandfather, by which he referred to
certain hereditary diseases now sufficiently familiar to the
laity. Doubtless Cupid and /Escupalius will never travel
in perfect form in double harness, but they can at
least be taught to pull together. At any rate. Hymen
should become the natural yoke-fellow of Hygeia.
To speak less figuratively, eugenics is a most impor-
tant science, but its development will be favored not so
much by statute as by popular education.
When parents and their children of marriageable age
recognize the fact that marriage is a contract, as well as
a sacrament of the church, it will appear "more impor-
tant that the physical assets should be investigated than
the commercial ratings."
The presence of any taint, mental or physical, which
may be transmitted to the offspring should be made
known before marriage. Concealment of tuberculosis on
the part of the husband has within the past year been
held by one court to justify the annulment of marriage.
This is an important decision and may in future con-
stitute a ground for the same proceeding in the case of
other diseases. It certainly should when the innocent
wife is made to surfer for the sins of the husband, whose
cowardly concealment of his past and present condition
is a proof that he is not fitted to be a life-partner.
The question of how far medical ethics should be con-
sidered in the case of a man's physician, who £non>s that
his patient is unfit for marriage, has often been argued
pro and con without any definite rule having been made.
A medical man's conscience certainly ought to trouble
him if he suffered any false notions of professional se-
crecy to induce him to give his tacit consent to an un-
holy union. One cannot see Brieux's realistic play with-
out thinking how much misery might have been avoided
if the doctor had taken matters into his own hands, and
had not been content with simply advising the foolish
youth, who disregarded his warning.
Regarding marriage as a contract, it is evident that
its conditions should be as clearly and thoroughly stated
as any other. If they are not, the same deception is prac-
ticed as in any other business arrangement, and it should
be similarly invalidated.
Why it should be regarded as indelicate, or opposed
to the highest ideals of love and matrimony, that the
contracting parties should be required to present certifi-
cates of freedom from hereditary or transmissible disease
is not clear. It would relieve physicians of responsibility
and would place eugenics on a practical basis. Love is
one thing, but marriage is another and—divorce is another
still. The elimination of the latter is assured only when
love is not regarded as synonymous with passion.
THE FOUNTAIN OF BANDUSIA
(Horace: Book III, Ode XIII.)
By Henry L. Shively, M. D.
Clearer than crystal is Bandusia's Spring,
Worthy the sweet wine and flowers we bring.
Tomorrow I will offer thee a kid,
In whose swelling brow new horns are hid.
Destined for love and fight, alas, in vain;
His warm, red blood thy cold stream will stain,
This scion of a lascivious flock,
Doomed ne'er to know a mate or battle's shock.
The scorching season of the fierce Dogstar,
Thy delicious coolness cannot touch afar.
Which thou dost grant to oxen weary with the plow.
And the wandering herd of cattle now.
Thou also shalt be among fountains famed,
When thy green holly I have praised and named.
Above the rocky grot where it doth grow,
And whence thy prattling waters leap and flow.



LIFE'S LITTLE SURPRISES.
25


PLEASE NOTE
By Joseph Colade.
THE CAUSE.
"Strange, doctors claimed that Jenks would not re-
cover for at least one year. Look at him, now, he's as
fit as a fiddle."
"Perhaps he found the key to his cellar again."
WHAT PLEASING WAYS.
Doc Jones was speeding on a hurried call, coming to a
sharp curve his car turned turtle throwing him in the deep
grass, breaking his fall.
Very soon a crowd of curious country folk gathered
about him.
"What's the matter. Doc?" cried a voice from the
rear, "auto turned turtle?"
"No, those folks wanted to see how it was made, so I
turned it over to please them."
AYE, AYE.
Patient:
Doctor:
"Did you ever have a case like this before?"
"No, I've always been a very healthy per-
son.
GENTLE ATHLETICS.
Doctor: "You look pretty bad. Are you taking any
kind of exercise?"
Patient: "Yes, I'm rolling my own cigarettes now."

ODE TO THE COW!
By George W. E. Daniels.
With kindly hand, dear Bess, I sound your knell.
For Flivver King and Wizard are united
In thinking that your deadly bovine spell
Should be withdrawn from man—too long benighted.
You are not sanitary—that appears to be
A fact from which there's really no escaping;
For Henry says it, so does Thomas E.,
And they're long practiced in the art of shaping.
In shaping and in molding public thought—
Alas! poor Bess, I fear your day is ended;
Machine made milk will soon be sold and bought—
The trouble is your ways you never mended.
Without the least desire to hurt your pride,
I've sometimes thought your manners—well—unpolished;
I personally never could abide
That bringing back of food not long demolished.
To cleanliness you weren't much addicted,
Perhaps you weren't trained—p'raps knew no better;
Or maybe habit with the wish conflicted—
The spirit you obeyed and not the letter.
At any rate you are not scientific.
And so you stand condemned as out-of-date;
And though at times your looks are beatific,
On your digestive process we can't wait.
Machines will do the business vastly quicker,
Eliminating tedious mastication;
By turning of a tap we'll get the liquor—
There'll be an end of "periods of lactation."
The case against you, Bess, appears a strong one—
But, never mind—your day has been a long one.
Doctor (meeting friend on street): Well, you're
some stranger. Why don't you drop in and see me
some time, just to say hello?
Friend: I can't afford it. Th' last time I did, you
sent me a bill for an office call!
TRIPLE INSURANCE.
By F. U. Waddy.
A distinguished physician received on a patient's birth-
day a case of choice fruits, grown on his estate, with this
accompanying note:
"My Dear Doctor: Kindly accept this little present
as a slight appreciation of your skill. It is one of three
that I always send at this season: to my lawyer for keep-
ing me out of jail; to my doctor for keeping me out of my
grave, and to the parson for keeping me out of hell."
26



NO DOUBT OF THAT.
By J. B. D.
McMonigle: "And how's Quinlan?"
McPhee: "Sure, man, if he's not alive by mornin'
he will be dead."
McMonigle: "And it's thot bad?"
McPhee: "'Tis so."
GET AN ELECTRIC.
By J. B. D.
Widow Murphy: "Ye'll give Moike a foine hearse,
will ye not?"
Undertaker: "Yes, ma'am. An automobile hearse."
Widow Murphy: "No indade, none uv thot. Moike
niver could stand the smell uv gas'leen." *S
27



THE MEDICAL PICKWICK ia a monthly literary magazine for and by physicians
IRA S. WILE. M. D.. Editor-in-Chief.
All matter printed in THE MEDICAL PICKWICK, unless otherwise specified
ii contributed exclusively to this magazine.
Address all communications relating to editorial matter to the Editor, who will be
pleased to consider manuscript suitable for publication in THE MEDICAL PICK-
WICK and will return those unavailable tf postage is enclosed. He is not responsible
for the opinion of contributors.
All manuscripts and communications of a business nature should be addressed
lo Medical Pickwick Press, 15 East 26th Street. New York City.
Subscription price in the United States. $3.00; Canada, $3.25; Foreign, $3.50.
Single Copies. 35 cents.
Copyright, 1921. by Medical Pickwick Press.
of war indicates its tendency to a relapse. This is a
small utterance of a big man. Fortunately it is not repre-
sentative of the democratic spirit of American medicine.
We do not hesitate to accept the benefits that accrue
from the labors of our co-workers in foreign lands nor
can the vicious intolerance of war carry over against our
professional brethren who chanced to be enemies in the past
strife.
Lorenz, the Vienese surgeon, is welcome. Undoubt-
edly, he has left his native land to find a field for his
capable hands and an opportunity to rehabilitate his ruined
fortunes. There is ample room for him and every courtesy
should be shown him. He is not an enemy of those he
would aid. His kindly presence, his scientific skill, and
his hold upon the imagination of the public will be of
service to many sufferers. To physicians, he should be
Lorenz, the surgeon, and not Lorenz, a hated Austrian.
January, 1922.
NEW YEAR AND A NEW LIFE.
ANEW YEAR crawls above the horizon of his-
tory. The glow of a new morn cheers the world.
What is the promise of the day? Is the rosy dawn to
disappear in clouds and storms or is there to be a large
proportion of healthful, fructifying sunshine? None dare
prophesy with any feeling of security. The year will
make its own revelations* and we shall abide by the re-
sults.
Resolutions have been made, but resolutions have been
broken many times before. For various reasons there is a
hiatus between the emotional resolve and the determina-
tive action. Our impulses are sudden and we try to check
them in order to safeguard ourselves. Our philosophies
are undefined and easily modified. We rationalize our
actions so successfully that we do as we wish and offer
numerous self-satisfying excuses to explain our failures.
Rarely do we attempt to excuse or apologize for our suc-
cesses and achievements.
And so another year approaches us and we face it,
partially with wondering hope and expectation, partially
in doubt and possibly fear, but always on the defensive.
We shall live through it and overcome all obstacles that
it may offer. After all, this is no new year; it is merely
a change in the calendar—and what does that amount to,
when one struggles for supremacy in the battle of life.
The real problem lies in contemplating the po-sibility of
a new life in the year that is before us.
MEDICINE IS NOT NATIONALISTIC.
DR. ADOLF LORENZ is in America. Dr. W.
W^ Keen is quoted as saying that he would not
greet him because of his Austrian origin. Thus the fever
'TIS EASY TO BELIEVE.
THE medical man of this generation is regarded as a
natural conservative. In order to protect the pub-
lic he hesitates to make radical changes in his time- worn
traditions. He holds in high esteem his own skepticism.
At times, there is evidence of an anxiety to accept doc-
trines that will revolutionize medicine. Then conservatism
is swept away and with it considerable of the natural
skepticism and he is exposed as gullible, with most of the
guards down against all manner of unproven statements.
A few careful thinkers try to adopt a healthful middle
course and are promptly subject to abuse, ridicule, and
even vituperation.
What to believe, and when to believe it, is a serious
problem. What is adequate proof and demonstration?
When does a hypothesis become a working theory and
when does it become transformed into an acceptable, un-
deniable fact? Each man has his own standard for de-
cision, nor may another deny his right to the opinion. Per-
ronal conviction is not proof. The individual belief
must be accepted by a group in whom there is public
confidence—and then the group judgment carries substan-
tial weight. But even the opinions of organized scientific
associations have proven false. The folly of yesterday
may be the truth of tomorrow. The fact of today may
vanish in the light of the investigation of tomorrow.
After all it matters little, if medical men maintain an
attitude of interest, tolerance, and thoughtful scrutiny of
the manifold views that are presented upon medicine, poli-
tics, economics, history, and the host of subjects that crowd
upon life and stimulate them to greater efforts.
28


Cite ftUtocal Bickwirk;*—*

A HAPPY NEW YEAR—FOR SOME OF US.


^®hc HkMcal fickwick
VALERIANA
By S. E. GIBBS, M. D., New York City.

T WAS only a small bottle of Valer-
ian elixir that I placed in my pocket
when I was called to visit a hysteri-
cal patient, but on the way home
while dodging a trolley car the bot-
tle broke and Oh, My! Did the
reader ever take a good whiff of the stuff? If so, he
will remember the odor quite distinctly.
Suffice it to say that I discovered the broken bottle,
also the smell, and so did every one with whom I came
in contact on the street, and some of them made unkind
remarks as they passed by. On reaching home I turned
the pocket inside out, washed it in hot water, then in
carbolized water, afterwards in Florida water, again in
Cologne water, and thought I had conquered at last,
but no, the odor still remained. The next day it seemed
somewhat subdued, owing perhaps to the cold weather,
so I boldly walked into a department store to make
some purchases. The odor, which had been taking a
short rest for recuperation. Upon contact with
the hot air of the store began to revive and soon became
noisy.
The salesman began sniffing and called the floor-
walker, who also sniffed aloud and declared that there
was a rat, a dead rat, under the floor. The salesman
expressed a doubt but the floorwalker insisted and called
the former a blanked fool, and added that an}) idiot with
only half a nose would know that it was a rat, and
a big one at that. Meanwhile I waited for my change;
the clerks and salesladies crowded round; the floorwalker
traced the dead rat up to a point about six feet away
from me and behind the counter, for which I was very
grateful.
"How often have I told that confounded janitor never
to put poison about the store. Now he has poisoned a
rat and it has crawled under the floor right here and
died. I will have him discharged at once for disobedi-
ence. Smith, go at once and get a carpenter and have
him take up this board—this one—see—right under my
foot. Hurry now, get a move on you. Don't wait a
minute or we might as well close the store."
The salesman donned his overcoat and hat and struck
a bee line for the door when I intercepted him, drew
him to my side, turned my pocket inside out and put-
ting it near his nose asked him if he thought there was
another dead rat in there. He acted as if he was angry
and used bad language and even ordered me to emi-
grate to a warmer climate, which it would be very in-
convenient for me to do, on account of my family. While
we were conversing in this friendly manner the floor-
walker quietly retired to the rear of the store and began
to scold the cash girls.

Dr. Susanna Wallup Always Puts Her Patients to Sleep Before Entering the Operating Room.
30


Mw HUbital f ickTOick*
HIS FIRST CASE

Chapter Twenty.—June Came Once More.
EBRUARY ended and March passed
by, with its wind and rain and sleet,
and April rolled merrily along with
its showers and wild flowers, until,
eventually. May day came.
Fred had recovered slowly, not
venturing to leave the house until after March had blus-
tered into past history. Time had dragged with him,
but was shortened by Justina's companionship, and they
enjoyed many games of checkers together. Then, after
Fred was abe to go to his office, she went with him a
few times, and finally, when he again began to swing
into the old routine of making calls, she accompanied
him occasionally, though not frequently.
"Both of them live their lives as if on a constant
strain," said Tom Ganey, confiding to his wife.
He was right. The old-time familiarity of their early
acquaintance was replaced by polite toleration of each
other. Seldom did they joke between themselves, but
plenty of joking was done in the household, for Tom
Ganey could exist on nothing else, and he, seeing the
estrangement that was wedging itself between the two
young people, tried to bring them together with laughter
and frivolity, and was successful while he was present
with them, for they both joined in the gaiety, but the
jolly storekeeper soon saw that his efforts were in vain,
for, if anything, they were drifting further apart. It
seemed as if each of them was afraid of encroaching
on the other's pleasure and when Tom got them keyed
up to a carefree pitch and suddenly departed, to later
spy on them unseen, he found them reservedly discussing
literature or art in a most formal manner. This worried
him greatly.
Charles, the chauffeur, was again at his former work
and drove the big black limousine with the same stiff
pose, although, when he walked, there was a slight limp
noticeable. He had remained with the Darls after caus-
ing considerable upheaval in the mansion—Mrs. Darl
insisting that he leave, and the Colonel equally insisted
that he stay, for, as he truthfully pointed out to the mis-
tress of the mansion, another chauffeur was not obtain-
able. He had secretly tried to procure one and found
it impossible to persuade one of ability to live in a vil-
lage the size of Astuna. So Charles had remained, but
had given Mrs. Darl to fully understand that he was
as good as she was, and he would expect her to treat him
on an equality. He even insisted that he be allowed
to eat at the same table with her and the Colonel, thus
causing another uproar after which he changed his mind
and informed her: "I think myself even better than
you and will not condescend to dine in your presence,
but prefer to take my meals with the servants." Then
he went to the barn and indulged in a lengthy and hearty
solitary laugh.
May day was bright and clear and, though the river
was high, Henry was endeavoring to catch some fish,
with the usual luck. The heat of the day affected him
greatly and produced that feeling of extreme lassitude
commonly known as spring fever, so he spent most of
his time lying on his back with his hat over his face,
sleeping. Presently he was aroused by the clatter of
oars and in a few moments the end of Bob Flinn's well-
known skiff nosed itself under the willows and soon the
entire outline of the flat-bottomed craft hove in sight.
"Hello, Bob," grinned Henry.
"Hello, Henry," grinned Bob.
"Where you going?" asked Henry.
"Nowhere," said Bob. "I'm just out enjoyin' the
day. I see the Colonel's doin' the same thing. He's
takin' a walk."
"He is?"
"Yep."
There was a pause.
"I wonder if Justina ever got her money?" mused
Bob.
"I don't know," asked Henry. "Why?"
"You knew about it, didn't you?" asked Bob. "You
knew how I was the only livin' witness who knew about
what the Colonel done, didn't you?"
Henry nodded his head.
"Yes."
Bob rubbed his mustache and spat at a leaf floating
on the water. He stiffened with importance.
"I'll tell you about it," he said, and did, lamenting
loudly over the fact that his word had not been con-
sidered good. "Really and truly, Henry," he declared
in conclusion, "I know the Colonel owes that money. Say,
Henry, I wonder if Mrs. Bean's got any lemon extract
I could borrow. I want to make some pies."
It was in the afternoon of the same day that Julia,
having heard Bob's story from Henry, sauntered forth in
31


quest of fortune. She proceeded through the village,
looking neither to the right or the left, and continued
onward, straight toward the big stone house with the red
tile roof, and when near it she encountered the Colonel,
who was venturing out for his second walk that day in
the bright May sunshine. He was most immaculately
dressed—black suit, white vest, green tie, and he wore
spats, pearl gray spats. He greeted Mrs. Bean most
graciously.
"I've come to get that ten thousand dollars you owe
Justina Everett," said she, suddenly, like a volcano burst-
ing forth in eruption, unexpectedly.
The Colonel's pale face flushed crimson, then purple
"I owe her no money," he snarled. "I offered her
a home and the love of a father, and Mrs. Darl was
like a mother to her, and she could have lived with us and
enjoyed the privileges of a daughter, but what did she
do—what did she do but leave our house in anger and
enter the house of Tom Ganey who coerced her there to
entertain Doctor Forson."
Julia stepped closely to him and extended a small
piece of paper. "There's a blank cheque," she said
threateningly. "Fill it out."
The Colonel straightened himself until he stood very
erect; then he pushed her gently with his cane.
"Woman, stand aside and let me pass!"
The ponderous Julia reached out a chubby hand and
took a firm hold on the collar of the elegant frock coat.
He struck at her with his cane, but, alas, the cane was
wrenched from him, and suddenly he was tumbling down
the river bank with a mighty force behind him, and be-
fore he could utter a cry the muddy waters gurgled over
him. Then the iron-like grip on his collar lifted him up
and sat him down on the muddy bank.
"Fill out that cheque or you'll get dipped again!"
was the thundering command.
He wiped his face with the handkerchief she kindly
offered and took the blank cheque and wrote thereon,
returning it spatted with wet blotches but otherwise ne-
gotiable for the amount asked. Then he sat on the bank
of the river, dripping and disheveled, and watching the
forefinger of his powerful assailant as it jabbed at him
in emphasis, while Julia talked with explosive staccato
words.
"If you don't say nothing about this I won't either,"
she promised, "but if you do—if you stop payment on
this cheque, I'll tell everybody about it and come back
and duck you in the river six times before them all. Un-
derstand?"
Waiting for no answer she deliberately turned and
waddled up the bank with difficulty, and lost no time in
delivering the cheque to Justina, who, thereupon, thanked
her profusely after the surprise of the fact had worn
off, and immediately sat down and wrote another cheque
for a thousand dollars and gave it to her loyal friend
and benefactor, admonishing her not to present it for
collection until two days after, so to give time for the
original cheque to be deposited.
"Yes; you will take it," insisted Justina when Julia
refused. "You've earned it as a commission—ten per
cent, is none too much for collecting an account like that,
and besides you need it to pay off the mortgage Mr.
Bean was telling me about. This, with what he said
you had in the bank, will more than do it."
Outside the house Julia stood in the roadway and hesi-
tated for an instant, undecided whether to go to Colonel
Darl's and pay off the mortgage or not. Then she
turned her steps in the opposite direction and proceeded
onward with a firm resolution, feeling that she was about
to "make a plumb fool of herself," but not caring.
"There!" she said to herself, after returning home from
Lem Hardesty's and placing the genuine Stradivarius in
the lower dresser drawer. "Darling Henry can play as
much as he wants to and I'll not say a word."
But well she knew that Henry, once possessing the
treasured instrument again, would descend from his as-
sumed attitude of dictatorship and become as of old,
allowing her to resume the activity of carrying on the
business of managing the household without his interfer-
ence or snapping hostility. Then she could commandeer
the money in the bank and pay off the note for two hun-
dred and fifty dollars that she had given Lem in addition
to the thousand.
And even then the nervous little Henry was sitting on
the store porch deciding what to do. Justina had seen him
passing and had called him, and had thrust a piece of
paper in his hands.
"For your reward in protecting me that night when
the strange man attacked me in the House of Dreams,"
she had said.
Then she had disappeared, leaving the surprised little
man standing alone in front of the Ganey door, gaz-
ing dumbfounded at a cheque for a thousand dollars, and
he had wandered in a daze to the store porch and sat
down to think it over. He wanted that violin. This
money, with two hundred and fifty dollars from the ac-
count in the bank would buy it, for he well knew Lem's
price. But the thought of spending the money that way
32


tChe mUfcital ^icInrrirK.
troubled his conscience, for had not his dear, sweet Julia
always looked forward to the day when the mortgage
could be paid off?
"Five hundred from the bank and this thousand will
do it," he said, jumping to his feet suddenly and col-
liding with Bob Flinn.
"Hello, Henry," cried Bob, grabbing the little man
around the neck. "Come in the store and drink a bottle
of pop with me. I know it ain't what I ought to set up,
but it's all I can get. The widow McCarty's promised
to marry me if I get past the Fourth without gettin'
drunk."
"I haven't got time," said Henry in a tone of impor-
tance. "I've got to hurry and see the Colonel on busi-
So the mortgage was paid.
********
"Old Doc Deeny's sure howling a-plenty," said Tom
Ganey a day or two later, while sitting in the dining
room waiting for the women to get dinner.
"Why?" smiled Fred.
"You've got his goat!" answered Tom.
"How do you know?"
The jolly fat storekeeper threw back his head and
chuckled so hard that the chair shook. "Riley told
me about it. He heard Doc say that since new doc-
tors had invaded the country with the knife and flowery
speech there was no use for an old, well-meaning doc-
tor to try to keep the people from being hoodwinked into
being cut to pieces."
Fred nodded and spoke:
"I have had quite a bit of surgery lately; perhaps
that is the reason for his talk. Some of my cases have
been down the river, in his territory, too."
"I told Riley to tell Doc that I'd rather have the
knife than dry quinine," said Tom. "That old reprobate
—I never will forget that!"
He made an ugly face in remembrance of it and Fred
joined him in that hearty laugh which can be indulged
in when the fun of a disagreeable act is seen after it is
over.
True, Fred was doing a considerable amount of sur-
gery of late. His success compared favorably with that
of the average surgeon—most cases cured, some im-
proved, a few uninfluenced, and an occasional life lost,
but the people had confidence in his ability and the loss
of a case now and then did not produce the instant an-
tagonism of the populace like the loss of his first case
had done.
Justina entered the room and the two men became
quiet as if by mutual agreement—Fred did so instinctively
and Tom had become discouraged in his efforts to re-
unite the two young people in fun and frolic.
"They're just like you when they're together," he
had told Mrs. Ganey' the day before. "Everything's
serious with them—even a checker game. Bosh!"
"Do you want everybody to act a fool all the time?"
was the retort. "You leave them alone and everything
will come out all right in the end—you see if it don't."
"Yes; I think it will, probably," said Tom. "I'm
going to introduce them to each other some day and let
them start all over again."
"Tom Ganey, I'm—"
"I—I know you are," he interrupted hurriedly.
So Tom had given up all hopes. Now, when Justina
came into the room, he became solemn and dignified. He
launched into a discussion of politics, and Fred quickly
took up the subject and was expressing his views on
some of the more serious political questions of the day
when the doorbell rang, and the three of them looking
up, saw a stranger standing in front of the screen door.
Justina arose quickly and went to see what was wanted.
"Is Miss Zeay here?" asked the stranger, tipping his
hat.
"No," she answered at once. "Nobody of that name
lives here."
The man looked puzzled.
"That's queer." he exclaimed. "Isn't this the home
of Mr. Ganey?"
"Yes."
"Well, I'm from Philadelphia and—"
Fred stepped to the door. "Come in, sir," he said
with an amused tone. "This is Miss Zeay, but you
must excuse her for forgetting her name. for. you see,
rhe hasn't been in the habit of using it very much and you
took her by surprise."
Tom Ganey chuckled uproariously at the incident, and
Justina, seeing her mistake, flushed crimson but joined in
the mirth. The stranger came in and was seated.
"My name is Ferrymore," he told them, "and as I
happened to be parsing through the country, my good
friend. Judge Zeay, asked that I stop and see you—cap-
ture you, in fact—he's pot everything ready for you to
live with him and insisted that I bring you with me. I
have some business to attend to in Des Moines and other
parts, and it will be a week before I return. That will
give you plenty of time to get everything ready. He
instructed me to give you any amount of money you asked
for, so all you have to do is set the figure."


He extracted a cheque book from his pocket and held
a fountain pen poised ready to write.
Justina listened to him, staring with wide eyes. Her
face was pale. Then the color mounted to her cheeks
and the staring eyes of wonderment changed somehow,
so that Mr. Ferrymore, watching them, felt that they
were penetrating through him as if he was constructed of
glass. Her red lips parted and a peel of her natural,
cheery, soprano laughter filled the room.
"It seems to me that my father takes much for granted,"
she said. "You can tell him that I am sorry, but it is
impossible for me to return with you."
Mr. Ferrymore dropped his hand to the arm of the
chair.
"May I take the liberty of asking a reason?" he in-
quired.
"Because I am to be married soon."
The silence that followed this announcement was long
and profound. Tom Ganey seemed about paralyzed as
he sat with his mouth half open and gazed at Justina.
For once in his life he could say nothing. Fred was
equally shocked.
Mr. Ferrymore dropped the cheque book into his pocket
and replaced the cap on his fountain pen. The sudden
announcement had not affected him as it had the other
two men, for he was accustomed to young ladies get-
ting married and could see no reason why so beautiful
a woman as this daughter of his friend should not do
likewise. He arose and offered his hand.
"I wish to congratulate you," he said with a bow.
"May I inquire who is to be the lucky man, so that I
can inform your father in a telegram I promised to send
him?"
Justina had risen to accept his congratulation. Tom
and Fred still sat dumb. The girl was calm.
"You may tell him if you wish that he will receive
an invitation to the wedding in due time. I am to marry
Doctor Forson in June."
Somehow Fred got to his feet in time to take Mr.
Ferrymore's hand and mumble his thanks. Tom sat
still, confessing afterward that he couldn't move. Mr.
Ferrymore bowed, picked up his hat and bowed again,
and left the house.
Tom recovered himself after he was gone. He
chuckled, and the chuckle developed into a laugh that
shook the house and brought Mrs. Ganey to the room.
"By gosh!" he yelled. "You two kids have sure
fooled the old man this time—I give up—I'd thought
you were at swords' points." He shook his chubby
fist at Fred. "Why in thunder didn't you tell me about
it?—the shock nearly knocked me over."
Fred glanced at the smiling Justina and the memory
of the smile in the moonlight came back to him. He
stepped close to her and placed his arm around her be-
fore answering. "We were not ready yet to announce
the engagement," was all he said.
Tom filled his corn-cob pipe and leaned back and
looked at them. "Well," he said slowly, shifting his
eyes from one to the other. "You're certainly a fine-
looking couple, and—"
He was interrupted by the motherly Mrs. Ganey, who
sensing the situation by instinct, rushed at them and put
her arms around both at once and began to cry. Tom
arose and pulled her away, and she sat down to finish
her weeping.
"I guess I've regained my strength now so that I
can formally congratulate you," said Tom, and the
handshake that each received was one of hearty friend-
ship and they each knew that it would last to the end
of time.
"What's the matter. Bob; what are you trying to
tear the house down for?" asked Tom, rushing from the
happy couple to the door where Bob Flinn was kick-
ing the screen door and ringing the bell at the same
time.
Bob tried to talk but was so breathless that no words
could be expounded. He stood and gazed at Tom and
panted loudly. Then he rubbed his mustache with his
thumb knuckle and opened his mouth for speech, but
speech came not. It was Henry who dashed up and
gave the information with happy glee.
"By golly, Miss Everett, Napoleon's fixed that fellow
again."
"Who?" asked Tom. "What fellow?"
"She knows who," cried Henry, motioning to Justina.
"He's all chewed up. We carried him into the doctor's
office. Hurry, Doctor."
All of them hurried, Fred and Justina and Tom, but
the fat storekeeper was soon acting as extreme rear guard.
What transpired in the office that day nobody knows,
except that the blonde young man was carried away
swathed in bandages, though not seriously wounded, and
he was never seen in the village of Astuna again.
That evening, strolling through Lover's Lane in the
warm night air, under the light of the full moon, Fred
learned from Justina the cause of her weeping at the sta-
tion the day he had come. After she had told him she
stopped and gazed at him with her wonderful eyes. "Will
34


it make any difference in your love for me, now that
you know what a foolish girl I've been!"
He held her close to him and stroked the black, wavy
hair. "No," he answered, laughingly. "The chief rea-
son for my coming to Astuna was because of a love af-
fair, so both of us are the better off for having confessed
our buried past."
"Then this isn't your first case of love?" she breathed
with a touch of sorrow.
"Oh, but it is," he hastened to reply. "It is—the
same as it is yours—the first real love affair I've ever
had. The others were superficial, not genuine. Yes,
dream-girl, this is my first case."
^ -V- -1* -J"
June came once more with its sunshine and roses.
A straggler passing the house of Henry Bean could hear
the mellow notes of a violin, clear and true, beautiful and
impressive, moaning, wailing, dull and low, now louder,
softer, slower, faster, fading into the distances, lost. And
then would come the rolling thunder of Julia's voice.
The Everett house was again full of life. Pleasant
laughter was often heard throughout the day and people
again became accustomed to waving their hands at the
pretty girlish figure in the yard as they passed by. The
House of Dreams came in for its full share of occupancy,
for the checker games were of nightly occurrence until
darkness intervened, and then the jolly Tom and the
motherly Mrs. Ganey could almost always be depended
upon to come for an hour's chat.
"Aren't you afraid to stay alone at night when the
doctor is out?" asked Mrs. Ganey not long ago.
Justina glanced at Napoleon, who arose slowly from
his reclining position on the ground and advanced to his
mistress and sat down at her feet, fully understanding
that it was he to whom she referred when she said:
"No; I have a valiant protector who watches over
ii
me.
End.
WALTER E. ANTHONY, M. D.
Ottumwa, Iowa.

35


PROTEOSES AND PEPTONES
THE FORDISTS LAMENT.
I pass along with wistful gaze
Amid the traffic's whirling maze
And wish that Fortune would but smile
So I could pause and rest a while.
But evermore I'm doomed to see
Another where I fain would be.
And like the weary Wandering Jew,
Described at length by Eugene Sue,
I pass along from east to west
And never find a place to rest.
What do I seek? As Mr:. He-
mans asked before: The wealth of sea:,
The spoils of war, bright jewelr. from
The mine? Oh, no! These do not come
Within the province of the mark:
I only want a place to park.
The doctor who can prescribe or refuse is in a clai:
with the man who can drink or let it alone.
LINES WRITTEN IN EARLY OCTOBER.
No longer does the front-page box display
The details of the Yanks' and Giants' play.
The Series now withdraws its space demands
And leaves the front page free for monkey glands.
Food for thought from Regulation r>0. Bureau of In-
ternal Revenue (Article XXII, Sec. 101 [I?]): "If
any person shall be injured in person, property, means
of support, or otherwise by any intoxicated perron or by
reason of the intoxication of any person, he shall have a
right of action against any person who shall have caused
or contributed to such intoxication, and shall be entitled
to recover actual and exemplary damages"
LINES ON THE UNANNOUNCED DEPAR-
TURE OF A FRIEND IN THE NURSING
PROFESSION.
And has she gone again away
And left no parting word behind?
A silly question, I should ray,
As silly as you'll ever find:
Because she left no word, that's clear.
It's also plain she's gone away;
And so why do you ask, old dear?
P. S.: How do you get that way?
PROFESSIONAL ODDITIES.
I.
A physician in Detroit, sending his nurse to inquire as
to why the bill had not been paid, was informed that
the family was displeased with him. The patient had
been treated by another physician for two years for tu-
berculosis. The physician first mentioned questioned the
diagnosis and caused X-rays to be taken. The X-rays
showed the lungs to be free from tuberculosis. The fam-
ily was therefore mad at the doctor who had the pictures
taken, because he had demonstrated that the expense of
the two years of treatment was wasted, and they de-
clined to pay his bill.
2.
A West Virginia physician, attending a child, forbade
the administration of milk. At a subsequent call the
child was not doing so well, and the mother confessed
that she had given milk to the child because he kept cry-
ing for it. The physician told her thai: he would there-
fore take no further care cf the case. As he was leav-
ing, the mother called after him, "Doctor!" He turned
around and asked, "What is it?" "Doctor," said the
mother, "Tommy is crying for some of the cabbage I'm
frying. Can he have rome of it?"
"Yes, give it to him," replied the peeved M. D.
"Will it hurt him. Doctor?" persisted the mother.
"Yes, it will kill him. It will kill him deader'n Hell!
But give it to him!" rejoined the physician, as he hur-
ried down the gravel walk from the house.
After-notes cn this case revealed that the child was
riven neither milk nor cabbage, and made a rapid re-
covery.
3.
A Kentucky physician of adequate professional at-
tainments and unusually charitable tendencies, attended
a poor family for years, making them only a nominal
rharre. The fam'ly came into a lar^e inheritance and
changed doctors. Their old physician called upon them
during their newly-acquired affluence and inquired why
they had left him. "Well," was the reply, "now that
we have this money we felt that we could afford a bet-
ter doctor who charged more."
36


Mhc fUetocal $ickurirhj
-XL,
WET VERSES.
I.
Who wants prohibition?
"We don't," jay the shikkers,
"We want our likkers,
We don't want prohibition."
Who'll get our likkers?
"I," said the M. D.,
"On Form 1403.
I'll get you your likkers."
II.
Oh, I'd love to be a doctor with u book.
For I'd never have to have that thirsty look;
If I felt all cut of j'int I'd just write out for a pint.
Gee! I'd love to be a doctor with a book.
III.
A maid was called to choose between
The love of two good men.
One was a doctor and the other not.
She was unable to decide
Which one she wanted, when
Of her dear father's help she her bethought.
And as she hung upon his neck
And fondled of his beard
And ran her fingers through his snowy hair.
In answer to her question in
A quavering voice che heard
This answer to a puzzled maiden s prayer:
Chorus:
(Very close harmony with heads together)
Oh, take the doctor, daughter.
If you love your poor old dad.
The doctor is the one for you
If you'd make poor papa glad.
What matters fame, or rank, or gold.
Or fat accounts in banks?
The doctor is the one to hold.
For he has prescription blanks.
R. S.

The Size of a Quinine Capsule. (As It Seemed to Willie After Taking His First One.)
37



A DESPERATE CASE.
Dcctor (in audible whisper): If he isn't able to a'tend school this afternoon, Mrs. Jones, there is but one
course for us; that is, cut him opjn, remove his appendix, scrape it and sew it back in place—a mighty serious
operation. 30


fthc musical f ickwirk

Modern Italian Surgery and Old Universi-
ties of Italy. By Paolo De Vecchi, M. D., Cor-
responding Member of the Royal Academy of Medicine,
Turin. Fellow American College of Surgeons. Paul
B. Hoeber, New York.
Very little has been written in this country concerning
Italy's share in the world's scientific advancement, yet
it is now fully realized by our best minds and highest
authorities that her wonderful efficiency during the war
could only have been the result of long preparation in
the fields of surgery and medicine.
Dr. De Vecchi's book comes, therefore, at a most op-
portune time and is a highly desirable and unique con-
tribution to this neglected field of literature. It might
be considered the most important work of the year.
While knowledge of Italian surgery has heretofore
been very slight among the profession in this and in other
countries, its high standard of excellence is now appreci-
ated by our leading men. Dr. Thomas W. Huntington,
emeritus professor of surgery of the University of Cali-
fornia, has written: "Nowhere is the artistic spirit of the
Italian shown more forcefully than in the plastic work
which is being done in the Italian hospitals in the in-
terest of face and jaw wounds," and this refers to but
one phase of the splendid work.
Italy certainly has a fair claim to priority in war sur-
gery, since for centuries all Europe has fought on her
battlefields. It is very interesting to note that many of
the so-called "modern discoveries" were already prac-
ticed ages ago in her ancient wars. The author gives
some very remarkable examples in support of his state-
ments. During the late war Prof. Tizzoni of Bologna
was perhaps the first to administer dosages of anti-tetanus
serum. He had made his investigations in his own lab-
oratory and the Italian army was greatly benefited by his
research.
Italian men of science are not given to boasting, but at
the same time the written word has not been utterly neg-
lected, for Dr. De Vecchi gives valuable references,
with copious footnotes, to various medical journals which
constitute a most remarkable collection of exceptional
studies in war surgery. His chapter on "The Work of
Reconstruction" is especially timely as it gives Prof. Vit-
torio Putti's lectures in full, with many illustrations, ex-
plaining a method of utilization of the power of the
muscles of amputated limbs, which was invented by Dr.
Vanghetti some twenty years ago and has been success-
fully employed recently in two cases in this country by
Dr. George D. Stewart of Bellevue Hospital.
The book by no means deals exclusively with war
surgery, but is replete with references to Italy's surgical
development during the past years. The brilliant history
of modern Italian surgery is not confined to her uni-
versities and clinics, for in practically every city are in-
stitutions directed by some of the best pupils of those uni-
versities. Bassini, who is world famous for his special
method of operating inguinal hernia, made his special
otudies in the small dissecting room of a provincial hos-
pital.
The volume contains fifteen full page illustrations, and
separate chapters are devoted to the universities in vari-
ous parts of Italy. This information is of inestimable
value to any one who might contemplate study in Italy,
and is highly interesting to the general reader. For ex-
ample, to the average American mind the name Sicily con-
jures up a picture which could well be adapted to the
movies, but is no more true of the entire island at the
present time than would be a picture of our own South-
ern mountain "moonshiners" as representing the entire
population and spirit of our Southern States. It is true
that Sicily has had her brigands, but she now has some
of the most progressive cities of Italy, and universities
whose surgical clinics have an international reputation,
in addition to her world-famous marvelous climate and
beautiful scenery.
Dr. De Vecchi's work not only supplies invaluable
information on modern surgery as developed and prac-
ticed in Italy during the past years, but it also is de-
serving of recognition because of its literary excellence.
The book is artistically arranged and printed.
Evelyn Cushing Campbell.
Warfare in the Human Body. By Morley
Roberts. With an Introduction by Professor Arthur
Keith, M. D. (E. P. Dutton Company, New York.
Price. $7.00.)
The tendencies of the medical profession to follow
precedent and to accept statements of authority without
question is properly challenged in a most stimulating series
of essays by Morley Roberts. As Arthur Keith re-
marks in his brief foreword, Roberts "compels his imagi-
nation when in flight to observe the laws of gravity, time,
and space." With his ability to travel the world of
39


• k€