The flaming hart, or, The life of the gloriovs S. Teresa foundresse of the reformation, of the order of the all-immaculate Virgin-Mother, our B. Lady, of Mount Carmel : this history of her life, was written by the Saint herself, in Spanish, and is newly, now, translated into English ... Vida de Santa Teresa de Jesus. English. 1642 Teresa, of Avila, Saint, 1515-1582. 1642 Approx. 1128 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 372 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2006-02 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A64409 Wing T753 ESTC R33913 13615379 ocm 13615379 100776 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A64409) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 100776) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 1052:6) The flaming hart, or, The life of the gloriovs S. Teresa foundresse of the reformation, of the order of the all-immaculate Virgin-Mother, our B. Lady, of Mount Carmel : this history of her life, was written by the Saint herself, in Spanish, and is newly, now, translated into English ... Vida de Santa Teresa de Jesus. English. 1642 Teresa, of Avila, Saint, 1515-1582. Matthew, Tobie, Sir, 1577-1655. [72], 660, [10] p. Printed by Johannes Meursius, Antwerpe : M.DC.XLII. [1642] Translated by Tobie Matthew--BM. Reproduction of original in the Huntington Library. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. 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Convents. 2005-09 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2005-11 Apex CoVantage Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2005-12 John Latta Sampled and proofread 2005-12 John Latta Text and markup reviewed and edited 2006-01 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion THE FLAMING HART OR THE LIFE OF THE GLORIOVS S. TERESA , Foundresse of the Reformation , of the Order of the All-Immaculate Virgin-Mother , our B. Lady , of Mount-Carmel . This History of her Life , vvas vvritten by the Saint her selfe , in Spanish ; and is nevvly , novv , Translated into English , in the yeare of our Lord God , 1642. Aut mori , aut pati . Either to dye , or els to suffer . Chap. 40. ANTWERPE Printed by IOHANNES MEVRSIVS . ANNO M. DC . XLII . TO THE INCOMPARABLE , SOVERAIGNE PRINCESSE , HENRIETTA-MARIA OF FRANCE , QVEEN OF GREAT BRITTAINE , FRANCE , AND IRLAND . MADAME I Presume not novv , to approach to your Maiesties presence , vvith designe to begg your Fauours , ( though this , vse to be the case of euery Creature ) but to pay your Maiestie a Seruice , and that , a great one , for the many Princely benefitts , vvhich I haue receiued already , from your gratious hand . For heer , I come to offer your Maiestie a meanes , of magnifying your ovvne naturall greatnes , by your avovving , & protecting , and enlargeing the glory of an incomparable Saint , S. Teresa . To vvhome , as I haue vvell vnderstood that already , yovv carry an extraordinary deuotion ; and not only deuotion to her selfe , but affection also , to the holy Religious vvoemen of her Angelicall Order ; vvhereof , the English Nation ( vvhich novv enioyes the honour , to be also , yours ) hath a Monastery at Antwerpe , vvhich needs not , perhaps , be ashamed , to appeare neer any other of the vvhole vvorld , vvhether it be , for their great , & entire contentment in Recollection ; their insatiable , yet most delightfull thirst , after Perfection , & Vnion vvith our Blessed Lord ; or the euerlasting Feast , of Joy , & Iubily , vvhich they solemnize , both in the harty , & high respects , vvhich they carry to their Reuerend Mother Superiour , and their true , & most tender loue , to one another : so , it vvill not be vnvvorthy , either of your ovvne greatnes , or goodnes , that , vvhen there is question of considering the vertues , & perfections of the Glorious S. Teresa , and the celebrating her praises , and the studying her Life , ( J meane that Life of hers , vvhich she vvrote , vvith that most holy , & vvise hand of her ovvne , vvhich I heer present ) your Maiestie vouchsafe to march at the very head of that vvhole Troope , vvhich may addresse it selfe , to the imitation of her Heroicall actions , and to the admiration of those incomparable Graces , and Fauours , vvhich the God of Heauen , and Earth , thought fitt to infuse , vvith his enamoured hart , and omnipotent hand , into that most happy Soule . For , vvho can euer , be more fitt , to patronize so great a Saint , as she is , then so great a Queen , as your Maiestie ; vvho , besides your Birth , and renovvne , vvhereof ( to speake after the manner of men ) yovv haue so much occasion to bragg , haue also ( in order to Heauen ) shevved such constancy , in the vvay of Religion , and pietye , as may iustly , ( all things considered ) giue cause to the rest of your owne most eminent Ranke , at least , to shrinke , if not to blush . For my selfe , to begg your Maiesties pardon , for this apparance of presumption , vvere novv , to acknowledge some such fault , as vvhereof , J acquitted my selfe , before . I vvill therefore , rather by this meanes , hope to obtaine a Suite for this Seruice ; yea and that , of the most sauory kind , of all other ; & it is , That yovv vvill vouchsafe to imploy the Sacrifice of my vvhole Life , in obedience to any of your Maiesties least commands . God make , & keep your Maiestie , as healthy , & as happy , as this vvorld can tell hovv to vvish ; yea , and as the other , can tell hovv to graunt ; & I most humbly aske leaue , to doe your Maiestie all Reuerence , at your Royall Feet . Your Maiesties most humble , most obedient , most deuoted , & most obliged Seruant M. T. A word of Aduertisment to the Reader . TO the end , that the Reader 's iudgement may be kept from anie considerable errour , concerning the person of the Glorious S. Teresa , he is humbly , and earnestly desired , to read the Preface , before he read the Booke ; and especially , that part thereof , vvhich occurrs betvveen that § . vvhich beginns , vvith these follovving vvords , For she vvill tell you , &c. And that other vvhich beginns , But novv it vvill come fittly in , &c. He may also be pleased , to excuse the fevv Faults , vvhich shall be found , in the Print ; the rather , because it vvas performed , both in a strange Countrie , and by strangers . THE PREFACE , OF THE TRANSLATOVR , TO THE CHRISTIAN , AND CIVIL READER . I Was moued ( and who would not be moued ? ) by the Reuerend Mother Superiour of the English Teresian-Carmelites , at Ant werpe , & the rest of that holie Assemblie , to Translate , out of Spanish , into English , the Life of the Admirable , and Blessed Woeman , S. Teresa , their holie Mother , and mine ; whose Excellencies , and Perfections , it is hard , for anie Penn , to expresse ; and few Harts , euen of the most refined , and raised , can fully vnderstand , and comprehend . For , though it were translated long agoe , by an eminent , and worthie Man of our Nation , in the great deuotion , which he carried to his excellent Saint ; yet he had liued , so very long , out of his Count●● ; and had attended , in so serious a manner , to the acquiring of Perfection , and Knowledge , in order to the Conuersion of Soules , that , on the one side , he seemed to haue lost a little of the puritie of his owne English Toung , and , on the other , not to haue acquired enough of the Spanish ; and consequently , not to haue been able , to performe the Worke , so exactly , as he desired . Since , such a Booke , as was so sublimely conceiued , by such a Hart , and so vehemētly posted-out , by such a Penn , could neuer be exactly translated , out of anie one Language , into an other , vvithout a kind of full possession of them both ; besides a great attention , & application of minde , othervvise . Some places being therfore very obscure , and manie other , more then a little , mis-vnderstood , the Booke vvas not so vvell receiued , nor so gladly , & greedily read , as it deserued . And therfore , both in honour of their renouned , and admired Parent , & in appetite also of their ovvne consolation , and perfection in Spirit , the zeale of these holy Religious vvoemen could not content it selfe vvith less , then a procuring , to get a nevv Translation made , vvhich perhaps might proue , ( to their thinkeing ) a little lesse imperfect , then the other . For my part , I confesse , I vvonder , that some such Reuievv , and Reformation , concerning a Publique Worke , so much importing the glory of Almighty God , and the honour of so eminent a Saint , could be forborne so long . But euen that very conceipt , and consideration , did helpe to clappe the Spurrs into my Sides , towards a running through this Course , and Carreire , vvith all the care , & speed , vvhich I could possibly vse . And heerin , though my abilityes were small , yet my attention grew to be great ; and so I considered seuerall Coppyes , and tooke also many opinions , and yet found , that all my diligences vvere few enow , towards the discharge of the multitude of doubts , and difficultyes , vvhich occurred ; Partly , through the high , and abstracted Nature of the verie Contents of the Booke ; Partly , through the great length of the Periods ; Partly through the multitude , sometimes , of Parenthesis , euen in the same sentēce ; Partly , through her forbearing to vse those Particles , in the beginning of the said Sentences ; as namelie , For , But , Yet , Therefore , and the like ; vvithout vvhich , it is not alwayes so easie to discerne , whether the Discourse be either continued , or interrupted or ended ; and partlie , & cheiflie , by the ill printing , and vvorse pointing , of all the Spanish Coppyes , vvhich I could euer come to see . All vvhich , I am faine to alleadge , by vvay of an humble excuse , for vvhatsoeuer errour , I may haue inuoluntarilie committed , in this case . But howsoeuer , I heer present it , to the glorie of Almightie God ; to the praise of this Excellent Saint ; and to the consolation of these Children of hers , vvho are no lesse , then a kind of counterpoise , to the miserie of the times , vvherein vvee liue . But now , as soone as I had translated the Worke , a certaine vvise , & vvorthie man , & my freind , tooke knowledge of it , and desired mee , by a verie earnest letter of his , to vsher this Booke into the vvorld , vvith a Preface of mine owne ; vvhich might open the Readers eye , the more easilie to behold the Saint , vvhen she followed ; and so also , to giue some notice of her Children , who are following her . And though I alleadged my reasons , why this might be lesse necessarilie done , yet still , he vrged me to it ; and so , I made his Will mine owne , and accordinglie , shall speake a few of my thoughts . I say , some few of my thoughts ; For , whosoeuer hath studied the person of the Glorious S. Teresa , vvell , vvill find so much to say , as , if he haue a minde to say all , he may doe vvel not to beginne , since it vvill neuer be in his power , to make an end ; such a full sea , is this excellent Saint , of all perfection , vvhich hath neither Bottome , nor Brimme . I vvill therefore , say verie little of her heer ; and that , shall cheiflie tend , to let you see , how highlie this Life , ( vvich vvas vvritten by the Saint her selfe ) is authorised , and hovv punctuallie it deserues to be beleiued , forasmuch as may , any vvay , concerne the truth of the Historicall part thereof , as also the excellencie of the Order , vvhich she both Reformed , and Erected . But for the present , you may first be pleased to consider , that vvee find the Liues of Saints , to be vvritten , by three seuerall kindes of persons . For , some are deliuered by men , who are onlie eminēt , in the Historicall vvay ; and they , deserue to be esteemed , and beleiued , for the merit of that worth , which shall appeare , vvhatsoeuer it fall-out to be . The second sort , is , vvhen the Writers , are not onlie vvorthie Men , but are withall , so great Seruants of Almightie God , as to be acknowledged , by the Christian vvorld , for Saints ; as S. Athanasius , vvho vvrote the Life of S. Anthonie ; S. Epiphanius , of seuerall Prophets ; S. Hierome , of S. Paul , and S. Hilarion , both of them , Heremits ; S. Gregorie the Great , of S. Bennet ; S. Bonauenture , of the Humble , and Admired S. Francis ; and the like ; who deserue a farre higher credit , then the former ; in regard , that the vvriters were Saints . The Third is , when Saints themselues vvrite their owne Liues ; as the Incomparable S. Augustin did a great part of his , in the Diuine Booke of his Confessions ; vpon the excesse , & admiration , wherein he vvas , at the vnspeakable Mercie of Almightie God , for remouing all the miseries of his Soule . And the Relations of such Liues , as these , are , incomparably , of the most credit of all . For first , no bodie knowes so vvell , vvhat passes concerning a man , as himself ; And Saints are verie farre , from saying anie thing , vvhich is not exactlie true ; and especiallie , if the Saints be such , as that they be also endued vvith verie great naturall parts , of Witt , and Memorie , and Iudgement , forasmuch as concernes the Braine , or Vnderstanding ; as they vvill be sure to be vvith Truth , and Sinceritie , & Candour , forasmuch as may concerne the Hart , or Will. For , as these Morall parts vvill keep them from deceauing others : so , the Intellectuall , vvill secure them , from being deceaued themselues ; and vvill make them define , and diuide , and suspect , and doubt , and aske , before they fullie resolue , to beleiue ; & much more , before they vvill publish things , to the vvorld . And now , as the Incomparable S. Augustin , vvas called , by the consideration of his owne great Sinnes , and God's greater Mercies , to declare his Life , in the neuer enough admired Booke of his Confessions : so also , did the Glorious S. Teresa , the self same thing , in effect , in this Booke ; but , by direction of her Ghostlie Father . Not yet , that he did so much , as incline her to publish her owne imperfections , and sinnes , ( nay rather , he did the direct contrarie ) but onlie to declare her Forme of Prayer ; togeather vvith the Fauours , vvhich our Lord imparted , to her , therein . But novv she , vpon that occasion , vvould needs make her owne Processe , in view of the World ; & shew ( as incident to the rest ) hovv ill , she had complyed vvith Almightie God , from time , to time . And by this meanes , doth she , in effect , vveaue that great peice , of rich Cloth-of-gold , and Tislue , vvhich concernes , almost , the Historie of her vvhole Life ; and novv , the same is hungout abroad , to the vievv of the vvorld . But yet , amongst all the excellencies thereof , there is one thing , vvhich displeases manie vvorthie , vvise , & holie men ; or at least , vvhich pleases them lesse , then the rest . And it is , that vvhensoeuer there is anie question at all , of her self , ( in order , either to Vertue , or Vice , ) she vvould neuer trust her ovvne eyes , though they vvere so cleare , and good , as the vvorld knovves ; but shee resolued , to vvorke vvith Perspectiue-Glasses , of different , yea , & euen contrarie kindes . For , vvhen she described her Vertues ; she serued her self , of a Diminishing-glasse ; which made them seem so little , as to be no more , then a kind of Nothing . But , on the other side , when she gaue account of her Imperfections , she vvould , by no meanes , know them , by anie other name , then of Vices , and Sinnes ; because she tooke a Multiplying-Glasse , to her self ; for feare , least els , those Mole-hills should not seem Mountaines . Novv , in the strength of this vvel-meaning , and holie kind of errour , which she incurred ( if anie errour may vvell deserue so indulgent a name ) she gaue her self too great scope ( if the Reader , vvould needs take her at her vvord ) to violate her ovvne excellent fame , by certaine too venturous dashes of her penn , vvhich vvas driuen too too hastily on , by the impulse of a kind of inordinate Humilitie . In such sort , as that , if a bodie vvere disposed , to trust his eyes alone , vvithout his reason , he might be easilie dravvne , to passe a verie erroneous Iudgement , vpon her Soule . For , she vvill tell you , in tvventie places of this Booke , What a grieuous Sinner she vvas ; What a multitude of great sinnes , she had ( in her conceipt ) committed ; Hovv manie yeares , she had continued , in that dangerous state ; And , in fine , hovv she conceiued , that her proper place , and particular torments , vvere prepared , for her , in Hell it self , for the euerlasting punishmēt of her Sinnes ; which ( she faith ) she felt in Spirit . Whereas yet , in realitie , and sinceritie of truth , it may be cleer enough , ( to such as vvill vnpartiallie consider , vvhat they are to iudge ; and not looke through the mist , or clovvde , of that too great insatisfaction , and seueritie , vvhich she vvould be sure to carrie tovvards her self ) that she vvas alvvaies farre , from committing anie Mortall Sinne , in all the course of her Life . Now , the difference , in point of Iudgement , betvveen our Saint , and others , may well seem to haue proceeded from this occasion , vvhich follovves . They looked vpon her vvhole life , vvith the eyes of a Religious kind of reason ; And she , vvith those , euen of a kind of inordinate passion , ( as a man may say ) of deuotion . They , looked vpon her , as men , vvho being informed , euen by her self , of the Case , are most fitt , through their indifferēcie , to be the Iudge ; Whereas she , looked vpon her self , as a meer Partie ; vvho must not , in her ovvne Case , be trusted , by anie meanes , so vvell , as her Iudge ; especially , vvhen that Iudge , knovves all things , as vvell as her self , since she declares them to him . Besides , that she expresses cleerly , hovv diuerse , vvho vvere her Ghostlie Fathers , at the times of her greatest imperfection , declared to her , in very positiue tearmes , that she vvas farre , from commiting Mortall Sinne. And note , that they passed such a Iudgement vpon her , at times , vvhen her self professes , that she Confessed all her Sinnes so entirely , as not to omitt so much , as euen all those Veniall Sinnes , vpon vvhich she could reflect . So that clearly , by the verie vvorst of her case , if anie such thing , as she had euer done , vvere doubtfull ; & if her Ghostlie Fathers assured her then , that it vvas not Mortall , ( as indeed , they did ) what reason could she haue , to be so very highly , and irreconciliably vnsatisfyed vvith her self ? But the truth is , she pearced so deeply , by meanes of Celestiall grace , into that endlesse , spotlesse Mine , of the Puritie of Almightie God , and the vnlimited Excellentie of his High Maiestie , and the vnspeakable deformitie of the least Imperfection , or frailtie , when once it should be brought to appeare , before that incomparable Claritie , of the King of Glorie ; And , on the other side , she vvas endued , vvith such a strange , internall kind of knovvledge of her self , that it made ( as I vvas saying before ) those Moates of her Imperfections , seem Mountaines , vvhen once , they vvere to appeare , as in God's presence . She vvas also of so very sensible a nature ( vvhich I must needs touch againe aftervvard ) and so easily obliged , and so inseparably engaged , vpon the receauing , euen of poore , vveake , little seruices , from mortall Creatures ; & much more , vvhen Celestiall Fauours distilled dovvne , so very fast , tovvards her , from that neuer-failing Fountaine of Diuine Mercies ; that , for her , to find her self anie vvay vngratefull , yea or so much as euen vnmindfull thereof ; and yet , much more , if she should proue so inhumanly vnkind , as , in stead of paying seruices , to commit faults ( hovv light soeuer they might be ) such errours vvould seem , in those eyes of hers , ( vvhich still , vvere fed , from that inflamed hart ) to be really , not very much lesse , then almost , as so manie halfe Sinnes , against the Holie-Ghost . And from this composition of her Minde , ( both in the Naturall , and Supernaturall vvay ) did grovv those profound detestations of her self ; those high exaggerations , of her Imperfections , and Frailties ; those lovvde exclamations , against her supposed ingratitudes , and vnkindnesses , tovvards Almightie God , vvhich broke ( as it vvere ) euen her ovvne verie hart , vvhilst she vvas thinking ; and deliuered ouer , such feeling arguments of her sad remorse , vvhilst she vvas vvriting , as are able , to strike the vvater of teares , out of the stonie harts of her Readers ( like the Rod of Moyses , vvhich droue vvater out of the Rock ) vvhen once , they lend their sight , though neuer so little , to behold that svveet Obiect , of her enamoured thoughts , and expostulations against her selfe . From hence it is , I say , that she accused her self , after a kind of obstinate manner , vvhensoeuer she reflected vpon God , & her self ; in order to his Bounties , on the one side , & her discorrespondences , on the other . Whilst yet , vvhen her thoughts vvere bent , but to expresse the plaine order of things , after a manner meerly abstracted , from those superiour Considerations , she deliuers such truths , concerning her self , as makes all these imputations , vvhich fell so fiercely vpon her Soule , out of her ovvne mouth , appeare , to be farre different , from that , vvhich she would desire , that they might be thought . And so , in conformitie vvith this , you ( my Reader ) shall doe vvell , to consider , in serious manner , how she , vvho spoke , after a sort , erroneously , ( vvhen she vvould partially iudge of her actions , in order to the spotlesse Puritie of Almightie God , and his strict Iudgement ) did yet vnfold her self , most litterally truly , vvhen she expressed her self Viâ facti , and related her affections , and actions , as it were , in the Historicall way . Obserue therefore , hovv , in this vvay , she saith of her self , That she vvas euer very carefull , not to commit anie Mortall Sinne ; That she had great care of her Conscience , still , forasmuch as cōcerned anie thing of that kind ; and that , if euer she would be so vnhappie , as to commit anie such sinne , that she should neuer be in quiet , till she vvas disburthened of it ; That she seldome receaued the B. Sacrament , but vvith abundance of teares ; That , after she had once tasted of the Regalo's of that Celestiall Banquet , ( vvhich she beganne to doe , vvhen she vvas young ) she neuer omitted to Confesse anie thing , vvhich she might conceaue to be a Sinne , though it vvere but Venial ; That she had euer great remorse , whensoeuer she committed anie offence , against Almightie God ; That she did naturally detest all dishonestie ; and that she conceaued not , that there was , either anie occasion , or anie person , in the whole vvorld , vvho could possibly ouercome that resolution , in her ; That , difficulties grew after-vvard vpon her , by occasion of some Conuersations , vvhich she had ; vvhereof yet , she Confessing her self , by way of doubt ( as I haue insinuated before ) her Ghostlie Father made her know , that she did not offend God , therein . For , the truth of the case , vvas this : She vvas then , a Secular vvoeman ; and the inclinations , vvhich she had to the person , vvere capable of being concluded , in a Marriage ; besides , that really , on her part , there vvas neuer so much , as one impure thought ; That another Spirituall man , vvith vvhome she also consulted shortly after , about matter of her Soule , ( by occasion of some feares , into vvhich she grevv then , to fall ) declared to her , that , though she vvere in the state of neuer so high Contemplation , yet such conferences , and conuersations , as those , vvere not to be inconuenient , for her ; That she also vnderstood by others , of like condition , that the conuersations , vvhich she vsed , and the contentments , vvhich she tooke , were lawfull ; That she conceaued not her self , to be in Mortall Sinne ; for , if she had knowne anie such thing of her self , she would neuer haue endured it ; That she was euer a great enemie , to detraction ; yea and that the vvorld vvas euer safe in that kind , when she vvas present ; for , euerie bodie , vvho knew her , knew also , that she would not , so much , as endure , that this Sinne should euer be cōmitted , in her hearing ; That she was neuer , any way , subiect to Enuy ; And that she had also , neuer obserued her self , to offend Almighty God , either by Hypocrisie , or euen so much , as Vaine-Glorie ; That she alwayes stuck , so very fast , to the truth of Holie Scripture , and euen to the least Ceremonie of the Holie Catholick Church , that rather then beleiue otherwise , she vvould endure a thousand deaths ; That she vvas not cordially addicted , to anie thing , but to serue , and please our Blessed Lord ; And that , in fine , the vvhole vvorld , seemed to her , to be no better , then a very Hill of Ants. Now , this vvas the verie truth of the Case ; and this was the state of our Saints Soule , from the first , to the last . And yet , vpon the cōsiderations , which I touched before , this Blessed , and Heauenlie Creature ( I say , Heauenlie , euen vvhilst she vvas yet , vpon Earth ) would needs conceaue her self , once , in Prayer , not only to see , but euen to feele her self , to be in those verie torments of Hell , vvhich she held her self ( as hath been sayd ) to haue deserued , for her sinnes ; and vvhich , indeed , vvould haue been litterally , and finally true , if our Lord had not preuented her , and accompanied her , and conducted her , by his Holie Spirit , and Heauenlie grace ; without which , what liuing Creature can be safe ? But that , otherwise , she had actually committed such sinnes , as for which , hose eternall tormēts might be , indeed , deserued , seems to be but an vngrounded , and vnsound opinion , in realitie of truth . For , the constant excellencie of her Life , was such , as that , she beganne , at the first , where others might be glad , to end it ; ( namely , with feruent , and inflamed desires of Martyrdome , euen when she was scarce eight yeares old ) and both continued , & finished the same , afterward , in such vertue , and expresse sanctitie , of the highest kind , as that the world , may be rather willing , then able , to admire it , to such a proportion , as it deserues . And therefore , that conceipt of her great Sinnes , and of her deserued place also , in Hell , seemes partly to haue had the true foundation , vpon the iealous , and sollicitous , and curious , enamoured , and inflamed Affections , of the faithfull , watchfull , loyall , laborious thoughts , of our Glorious Saint ; which tended , almost euer , towards a complying , in most perfect manner , with the duties , to which she held that she was liable , in her self ; and with the Inspirations , by which she was so constantly sollicited , and called vpon , and , as it were , euen Courted , by the powerfull , and pretious hart , of our Blessed Lord ; and partly , yea and peraduenture cheifly , by the ill quarter , which she conceiued , and acknowledged her self , to haue kept sometimes , with our Blessed Lord , by not corresponding with his heauenly grace , and not complying , with his holie Inspirations ; and commiting some neglects in that kinde ; whilst yet she was so enarnestly moued , by his Diuine Maiestie , to giue-ouer certaine naturall affections , and recreations , of hers . In regard of which vnkindnesse towards Almightie God , she might haue congruously deserued , to be depriued of God's grace afterwards ; and then she might also haue falne , by degrees , not only into greater faults , but euen into greiuous Sinnes , which might truly haue been then ascribed , to her former , lesser offences . And so it was meerly , the vnspeakeable goodnes of Almightie God , and no merit of hers , that she was not permitted to fall , by degrees , euen as low as Hell it selfe , Like a man , who , in a small distemper of bodie , neglects the helpe of Phisitians , and growes thereby afterward , into mortall diseases & death . Now therefore , in all such things , as might concerne the estimation , which she made of her self , in order , either to the excellencie , or deformitie , of her life , there is ( and let the Glorious Saint forgiue me this errour , once , of speaking truth ) no credit at all , to be giuen her ; because that subiect , lyes but in the way of discourse ; & all things in effect , of that nature , vse to be iust , of that verie colour , whereof those Glasses be , through which they are seen ; and I haue already shewed , that hers , were of the partiall Cutt. But as for those other things , which occurred to be set downe , by her , in the Historicall way , or els , which are related , as hapning to the person of the writer , in the vvay of fact , whether it were more or lesse ; as namely , that she did , and suffered , and sayd , and heard , and felt , & saw , whatsoeuer she affirmed , in those kinds , whether it were in the Naturall , or Supernaturall way , there can be no question made , as I haue shewed els where , but that all , was most certainly , & euen most punctually true . For els , she either must deceiue , or be deceaued ; whereof the former were a great impietie ; ( but farre enough from her ) & the latter ( all circumstances considered , and especially , in parriculars of that nature ) no lesse , then a most impertinent absurditie , to be either affirmed , or beleiued ; as was partly touched before . It is true , that both in her Supernaturall Prayer , and yet more , in her Visions , and Reuelations , there are manie things , which surpasse anie Vnderstanding , which is but meerly Humane ; but so also , are there in finit other Particulars , in the Ecclesiasticall Historie , concerning other Saints , which , howsoeuer they seem , and are strange , yea and much more strange then these , yet are they generally , and most iustly admitted , to the degree of Morall beleif . For , as we Catholiques , are instructed , & taught , that , on the one side , we must not be so light , or rather in fine ( to the end , that things , may haue their right names ) not so very weake , and foolish , as to beleiue strange , and supernaturall things , without a mightie deale of authoritie , and proofe , ( * yea and the Church her self , doth most bitterly Excommunicate , whatsoeuer Creature in the world , who shall knowingly propound anie false thing of this kinde , to be beleiued ) so on the other side , that they , are most iustly to be held , both rash , and childish , and foolish , who beleiue not that , which multitudes of the most , and wisest , and worthiest , and learnedst , and holiest men beleiue . Though yet still , in all these Cases ( wherein the Church hath not expresly declared her self ) we are not , to beleiue things , with Diuine Faith , but only with a Morall , & humane beleif ; no , nor euen so much as that , but only , when they are so abundantly proued to be true , as that they can not rationally , be denyed , or euen doubted , by anie prudent , pious man. For , to resolue to beleiue nothing at all , which is eleuated aboue the ordinarie course of naturall things , or which surpasse a man 's owne capacitie , and his explicit , and deciding iudgement , at the present time , is not only ( as I was saying ) a very foolish , but euen a childish , and ridiculous kind of thing . I must heer , put you also in minde , how , particularly , it is found in Holie scripture , that there are innumerable instances ( and especially , in the Reuelations , of the Blessed , and Beloued Apostle , S. Iohn ) which are incomparably more repugnant , both to reason , and euen to Common sense , then anie thing , which is related heer . And as , ( how difficult and strange soeuer , those things of holy Scripture be ) they must yet , be as entirely beleiued ( and that , vpon the price , of a mans being otherwise , an Heretique , or a verie Pagan ) as the Blessed Trinitie it self ; because , in fine , the least tittle of Holie Scripture , is as fully , and entirely , to be beleiued , as the verie Diuinitie it self , of Almightie God ; since the verie least , and lowest point of our Faith , depends vpon the self same formall reason , and groūd , with the highest , & greatest : So also , whosoeuer shall not receaue , whatsoeuer is deliuered , by the Saints , and great Seruants of Almightie God , concerning such things , as passe in their owne Soules , through the entercourse , and commerce of his Diuine Maiestie ( cuius deliciae , are , to be , cum filiis hominum ; vvhose delight consists , in visiting , and regaling the Soules of his dearest , and most deuoted Seruants ) the same being considered , by holie , and wise & learned Discerners , and Tryers , and Iudges of Spirit , ( vvhereof there is neuer vvant , in God's Church ) and so , the Catholique Christian World , growing by degrees , to accept thereof , in the vvay of giuing a iust admittance , & a pious Morall credit to vvhat is related , that man , I say , shall be neither pious , nor prudēt , who reiects it ; and he shall be an ignorant foole , if he deride it . Nor is also anie of my Readers , to be scandalized a whitt , if he chance to heare Saints speake , of some materiall and corporeall kindes of things , vvhich are represented to them , in their Visions ; as namely Rings , or Crownes , or Chaines , or Mantles , or Darts , or the like ( whereof there is some little mention , euen in this Booke ) anie more , then he hath cause to be scandalized , at the Horses , & Riders , and Trumpets , and Seales , and Pretious Stones , vvherewith the Celestiall Ierusalem vvas paued , in the Reuelation of S. Iohn . For , though I say not , that he is necessarily bound , in the qualitie of a good Catholique Christian , to beleiue the Particulars , vvhich are represented in this Booke , after anie grosse materiall way , vvith the same kind of infallible , Supernaturall Faith , vvhich he is strictly , and precisely obliged to allowe , to all things , vvhich are contained in Holie Scripture ( vpon the price , as I vvas saying ) of being otherwise , an Heretique , or a Pagan ) yet I presume to say ( and it seemes to be most true , and certaine ) that vvhen such particular Supernaturall Fauours , as aforesayd , are vouchsafed by Almightie God , to his Saints , and are also admitted , and embraced , by multitudes of the learnedst , and vvisest , and holiest persons of the vvorld , that man vvill be neither holie , no nor so much as learned , or wise , vvho not only shall reiect that , vvhich he hath no vvill to approue , but deride also that , vvhich he hath not vvitt , or grace ; to vnderstand . In a vvord , the Visions expressed in Holie Scripture , must be all beleiued , by Diuine Faith , in their true sense , vvhatsoeuer that falls out to be ; and not the Visions of Saints , vvith that , but vvith a farre inferiour kind of Faith ; till the Holie Catholique Church , both haue defined them , and propounded them also , to be beleiued , by her Children . Nor yet are yow , my Reader , whosoeuer you may be , to be idly scandalized , by any meanes , at the Formes , vvhereby things are represented sometimes , in the Visions , and Reuelations of Saints ; and this , vpon another , and that a very substantiall reason , vvhich followes heer . For , the important busines , in those cases , is , that our Blessed Lord , is pleased to imprint , at such , and such times , vpon the Soules of such , and such of his deare Seruants , such , or such a kind of vertue , or Fauour , or Strength , as himself is pleased to designe , for the comfort , progresse , and perfection , of that Seruant of his . And so , that Seruant , consisting both of a Bodie , and a Soule , his Diuine Maiestie is also gratiously pleased , manie times , to affect both the Bodie , and the Soule , togeather , vvith a sensible kind of feeling of that grace ; Those outward demonstrations ( vvhich speake , but , as it vvere , to the Bodie ) seruing cheifly , but to denote , and describe , in that sort , to the vvhole man , the influences , and impressions , vvhich then are made , and powred out , into the Soule . But now it vvill come fittly in , ere long , to show you that part of the Epistle Dedicatory , or Preface , vvhich the Famous Dominican Father , & Doctour , Father Levvis de Leon , thought fitt to write , both in honour of S. Teresa herselfe , & of those Primitiue Daughters also of hers , who were first Founded at Madrid . For thereby , you will easily discerne , what a Race , that Glorious Saint had runne ( eauen like some Gyantesse ) in the way of our B. Lord ; as also how close , those Children followed their holy Mother . Of which Mother , I shall not heer , haue roome to reflect , though I should but touch , & goe ; vnless vvithall , I vvould make this Preface , as long as the very Life it selfe . And therefore , you must giue mee leaue , to adiourne you , for more ample satisfaction of this expectation , to those dropps , vvhich I may , perhaps , both be able , and vvilling to deriue , and draw , out of that Sea of her Perfections , if I shall finish another small Discourse , and Description of the Saint , vvhich I intend to make , and place , as by vvay of Preface , both to certaine Exclamations , or loude Aspirations , whereby that enamoured Soule of hers , found meanes to vent it selfe to Almighty God ; as also , to two short Relations , which she made for her Ghostly Father , in vvriting , concerning the Degrees , by vvhich , she passed on , in the exercise of vertue , and in the vse also of Prayer , that so , the said Ghostly Father , might be the abler to direct , & instruct her . In the meane time , I shall only say , in very few vvords ( by vvay , as it vvere , of Antepast , till the Feast come in ) That she vvas Of very antient , noble Birth ; Of choyce Breeding ; Of a gratious , & louely person ; Of an humour , highly acceptable , and agreable , to the vvhole vvorld , vvhich knew her ; Of a melting , and bleeding Nature ; Of most Loyall , true , & tender Freindship ; Of a sweet , & charming way , in conseruation ; Of great significancy , and elegancy of speech in her expression , though naturall , and round , and vvithout affectation ; & in particular , her Talent vvas rare , in abounding vvith the choycest Comparisons , which can be found . Her felicity vvas also great , in negotiation ; for she vvas owner of a solid vvitt ; a steddy , & sound iudgement ; and deep vvisdome . She had a hart , as open as day , in the exercise of bounty ; Her compassion vvas most eminent , to vvards the releife of all Creatures in miserye ; & so especially , vvas her sollicitude , to consolate , & regale all such , in all occasions , as vvere intrusted to her care ; vvhilst yet she vvould needs be vnkind , and euen , as it vvere , cruell , to her selfe alone . Aboue all things , she was a most perfect Louer of Truth , & so full of matchless candour , & sincerity , in all expressions , & vpon all occasions , that she vvould no more haue euen so much , as but disguised it , and much lesse varyed from it , in the least kind , ( especially , vvhen the question had , any vvay , concerned her owne aduantage ) then she vvould haue sold her selfe , for a Slaue . These , I say , vvere the conditions of this admirable Creature ; and these , were the parts of her Minde , vvhich yet I consider , but in the nature of Fruits . But they grew , from these Roots vvhich follow ; A most profound Humility ; A most inuiolable Chastity ; A most strict loue of Pouerty ; A most vnshaken , and inuincible Patience ; in despight of sharpe Sicknesses , tormenting paines , and endlesse persecutions : A most ardent , and inflamed Charity , both towards God , & man ; which bred an eager , and insatiable appetite , to winne Soules ; An vndaunted Fortitude , & high Courage , and that , no less , in the endeauouring great things , then in the suffering hard things ; A constant , continuall , Supernaturall , & most Eleuated course of Prayer , and Contemplation . Such a kind of excellent Creature was this . But yet , whē I ouerlooked the little , vvhich I had heer set downe , I confess , it seemed , at the first , euē in mine owne eye , to be a very extraordinary Elogium , of her Vertues , and parts ; and , as if it might , perhaps , haue had more in it , of the Panegerick , then of a iust Praise . And therefore , before I vvould giue it passage to the Print , I looked attentiuely back , vpon vvhat I had read of her , concerning her resolutions , and heroicall actions , recorded in authenticall manner , by diuerse graue , and vvise Authours ; and in seuerall places also of her owne Workes ; and particularly , vpon what is deliuered , by Father Ribera , in the Historicall Relation of her vvhole Life . But when I came back from thence , & compared that kind of Descant , vvith my Plaine-Song , concerning the Saint , I found my selfe to haue rather falne much too short , then to haue , any way , ouer-short , in this kind ; and that the particulars , recounted with great authority , els vvhere , for the proofe of how she professed her selfe , after a high , & most Heroicall manner , in the practise , & pursuite of Vertue , in order to all sanctity , & perfection , to vvhich she aspired , & where , by God's great mercy , she ariued , vvould haue no less auowed , then encouraged my Penn , to haue done her much more honour , ( that is more right ) if it had not been employed , by so vveake a hand , as mine . But , in the meane time , I haue considered the Example of the holy S. Hierome ; vvho vvriting of his S. Paula , to Eustochium her Daughter , hath these vvords . I take Iesus , and his Saints to vvitnes , as also , that particular Angell , vvho vvas the Guardian , and Companion of this admirable vvoeman , That I vvill say nothing of her , for fauour ; nothing after the custome of Flatterers ; but that vvhatsoeuer I am to deliaer , shall be , as if it vvere vpon mine Oath ; and yet still , it vvill fall short of her merits . And now this , shall authorise mee also , to take our Blessed Lord to witnesse , that , to the best of my poore vnderstanding , I haue not mistaken my selfe , about the celebration vvhich heer I make of our Saint , in the point of haueing praised her too much : but rather , that I am growne to be her Debtour , then her Creditour , heerin . For , if euer there haue been , in the whole vvorld , many vvoemen of more admirable parts , & perfections , both in their Intellectualls , & their Moralls , ( which I account to be , as the Simples of a Soule ) & in the vse also thereof , whereby those Simples , grow to be mixed ; and whether wee shall consider them , in the Naturall , or Supernaturall way ; it is more then I haue been able to know , either by reading , or els by Discourse ; & yet I haue been carefull enough , to enquire . But now , the certainty of this truth , will yet , euen further appeare ; when I shall tell you that , which followes . And it is , That when the Saint made obseruation , & had experience of the world 's great frailtie , and lesse perfection ; and that the Religious Order , and House , vvhere she had entred , had obtained certaine Relaxations , and Dispensations , from diuerse strict Clauses , and Conditions , of the first Institute ; and when she had also mett with some Customes , through which , euen her self had receiued disaduantage , by dissipation , and diminution of Spirit ; as namely , in regard of great , & publique resort to the House , and a multitude of vnnecessarie Conuersations ; and especially , for that they were not bound to continuall Clausure , but had libertie , to goe abroad ( though yet , only by leaue of their Superiours , ) to visit their Parents , and neer kinred , at some times ; she grew into a full resolution , That , if euer it should be in her power , to free her self from that course ; and to set more limited bounds vpon her wayes ; and to inuite others also , by her example , to expresse their great desire , to gaine , and perfect Soules ; she would not faile , to put that purpose of hers , in execution . And so , after the expiring of some time , & the encountring of manie impedimēts , and the ouercoming a vvorld of difficulties , she grew to expresse her loue , to our B Lord , ( but in the person of such Creatures , as for whome he dyed ) to such a proportion , and in so high a kind , as to proiect , and perfect so great , and hard a vvorke , as that perhaps , no Woeman will be seen , to haue euer procured , and performed the like . For , to reforme a Religious Order , and to reduce it to the first strict Institute , is a matter of much more difficultie , then to Found one . And , for a Woeman ( vvho vvas of no absolute power to command ) to passe through so manie impediments , and to vvinne the Prize , and to adorne euen that Originall Rule it self , vvith so manie holie , and wise Documents , and Constitutions of her owne , for the raising , and true refining of Spirit , according to the necessities , and exigēces of those present , most depraued times , makes the busines become yet more hard , and strange , on the one side , and more vsefull also , & more excellent , on the other . For , as I conceaue it to be a truth , that there is no one approued Order of Religious people , in the Holie Catholique Church , vvhich is not of the best of all others , in that vvay of Spirit , for which it was cheifly instituted by Almightie God ; and especially for those times , in which it was instituted : So is it , not only pietie , but euen prudēce also , to beleiue , that , since this Blessed Woeman , was stirred-vp by God's holie Spirit , in this Age of ours , for the redresse of our moderne , great disorders , that his Diuine Maiestie had a minde to be most particularly serued , and glorifyed by it ; and that the Soules , which would consecrate themselues to him therein , might proue to be holie , and happie , in a very eminent degree , as long as they would continue attentiue , and carefull , not to swarue from that Spirit , which was deriued to them , from Heauen , through S. Teresa , by her Prayers , and teares , and other holie meanes . Which Spirit of hers , though it euidently appeare , both by the exercise , and example of all Heroicall Vertue , yet particularly , it seemes to ayme , and point at the regular , and constant vse of Recollection , & Mentall Prayer ; vvhereof she speakes oftnest , and vvith most particular desire , and care ; and appoints two Howers , to be employed , euerie day , therein , besides all other Deuotions of anie kind ; vvhich is practised by all her holy Religious , and is really that time , vvhich giues them more aboundant ioy , then all the rest . And indeed , she takes manie occasions , not only to recommend it earnestly , to the Children , and Successours of her owne Order , but exhorts also all Creatures , who will haue the happines , to be the true Seruants of our Blessed Lord , to take fast hold , by this Anker , in their Nauigation through the Sea of this vvorld . In vvhich Sea , not only they , who are best shipped , but euen such others also , as haue been cast ouer board , from Grace , into the storme , and tempest of a Sinnefull life , may yet , by meanes of Prayer , proue able , yea and morally certaine , through the mercie of Almightie God , to recouer the assured Port of Saluation . For , in the iudgement of this excellent creature , this point , and practise , of Mentall Prayer , is the most sacred , and soueraigne help , by way , either of Preseruatiue before Sinne , or yet of remedie , or Restoratiue , after it , which can possibly be found , or ministred in this world ; and indeed a kind of Manna from Heauen , which imparts all kind of Good to the Soule . Good alwayes , in the substantiall vvay ; because it alwayes brings encrease of grace , & so enables men to vvinne great victoryes ouer themselues ; where by , they daily grow to be the Seruants of Almighty God , more & more . And sometimes also Good , in a vvay of most soueraigne sweetnes , beyond any thing , which Flesh , & Blood knowes how to imagine . But yet , to make the Soule capable of this last , she must resolue to vntye her selfe vvholy , ( and it must indeed , be wholy ) not only from the firme purpose , of committing any Sinne , vvhether it be great , or small , but euen from the very fastning her affections , in any manner of inordinate vvay , to any Creature of any kind ; though yet , it should not be vnlawfull in it selfe . And a most particular care , must also be taken , by all such , as vvill follow the footstepps , & directions of this Glorious Saint , ( vpon vvhich she presses so very often , & so very hard , in twenty places of this excellent Worke , ) That a Soule which pretends to serue our Blessed Lord , in this kind , as she ought , must resolue , both very faithfully , & very early , to dispose herselfe to doe it , with true , & perfect Liberty of Spirit ; that is , with an absolute intention & determination , to doe it , meerly , because it is the holy Will of our B. Lord ; and because he hath made it the meanes , vvhereby she may obtaine the pardon of her Sinnes , and acquire all Christian vertue , through encrease of Grace ; and pay , both frequent , & ardent acts of Homage , & Greife , & Loue , to his Diuine Maiestie ; & procure an imitation of those Heroicall vertues , which he was pleased to expresse , in his bitter Passion . And , aboue all things , the Saint requires vs , to take heed of haueing any mercenary respect at all , to receiue gusts , & spirituall delights , or other higher Fauours from him , in this Life ; but to remitt all such things , to the next ; and ( so that vvee may euer doe him true Seruice ) to leaue it , with all indifferency , & conformity to our Blessed Lord , whether he vvill dispence all his Fauours to vs , at one payment , in the next world ; or els , by parts & portions , in this . And whosoeuer shall be of a different minde , vvill not only disoblige the Glorious S. Teresa her selfe , but may also make this Booke , both an vnprofitable , & vnvsefull , yea & euen an inconuenient Study for his Soule . But ( to returne to the glorious actions of this Saint ) That , besides the instituting , or redressing this Order , ( where she had , both men , and woemen though yet cheifly , her owne Sex in her eye , ) she should also , being only but a Woeman , be able , so to worke vpon men , as ( in despight of lesse rigour , & no little enuie ) to bring them to take , as it were , the Law , at her hands ; and , notwithstanding the pride of Old Adam , to ouer-worke them , to co-operate vvith the Grace of the Nevv ; and to make them not disdaine to accept of her Instruction ; and to apply themselues to the imitation of this Virgin , vvill not allow vs to doe anie thing , but vvonder ; saue that , it was , most euidently , the hand , and the strong hand of Almightie God , vvho enabled , and strengthned this deare Seruant of his to be the Instrument of so Heroicall a vvorke . And all this , is so excellently set downe , by the sayd Doctour Levvis de Leon , as that I vvill doe both the Saint , and her Children the right , to shew them the verie Fountaine it self , from vvhence the Relation springs ; and not deface , or disgrace it , by anie imperfect description of mine owne . You are therefore to vnderstand , and consider ( for , these circumstāces are not impertinent , to the substance ) that some yeares , after the death of this excellent Creature S. Teresa , and long before she vvas declared a Saint , by the iudgement of the Holie Catholique Church ( in the Processe vvhereof , there vses euer , to be euen an excesse of difficulty , in weighing , and admitting of all Proofes ) there grew a question , about the publishing of her Writings , and Workes . And , to the end , that nothing might be done therein , either by anie indiscreet zeale , or other accident , the Councel Royall of Spaine ( vvhich is a Bodie of great Authoritie , & Wisdome ) committed the review , of vvhatsoeuer the Saint had left behind her , in that kind , to be cōsidered , by some fitt , & graue person ; that so , that vvhich should be found , to be truly hers , might be distinguished from other things , and so proceed to be publique , by Authoritie . This person , vvas a learned , and renowned man , a Father of S. Dominicks Order , & a Doctour , vvho liued in Madrid , at that time . His name vvas Levvis de Leon , as I sayd before ; vvho , togeather with acknowledging , and approuing , yea and admiring her Writings ( whereof this Life of hers , is the cheife , employed himself also , with great care , to set them out , himself . And vvhen this Booke went to the Presse , he dedicated it to the Prioresse , and Religious Woemen , of the Teresian-Carmelites , vvho then , vvere newly founded , in Madrid . And heer , you shall be entertained , vvith as much of that Dedicatorie Epistle , as imports the excellencie , both of the Holie Mother S. Teresa , and of those happie Daughters of hers , vvho already beganne to liue vnder her Rule . And these , are his verie vvords , I neuer saw , nor knew the Blessed Mother , Teresa of Iesus , vvhilst yet , she vvas in this world ; but now , vvhen she liues in Heauen , I know her ; and doe , in effect , continually see her , in two liuing Images , or Pictures , of her self , which she left amongst vs ; and those are , her Daughters , & her Bookes ; vvhich serue also , in my opinion , for very faithfull witnesses , and superiour to all kind of exception , concerning the proofe of her great vertue . For , if I had but seen the figure , and features of her face , they vvould haue informed me , but of that part of her Bodie ; And if I had heard her speake , and discourse , that , might also haue declared some part of the vvorth of her Minde . But the first , vvould haue been common , to others ; & the second , might haue been subiect to errour ; to vvhich these other , are not subiect , in vvhich I see her , now . For , as Salomon saith : A man , may be knovvne , by his children ; And the fruits , vvhich anie one leaues behind him , vvhen he goes out of the vvorld , are the true testimonies of the life , vvhich he led , vvhen he vvas heer . And so we see , that Christ our Lord himself , vvhen he was pleased in the holie Ghospel , to put a difference , between the Good , and the Bad , addresses men , to consider their Fruits ; for , By their Fruits , saith he , you shall knovv them . So that , the Vertue , and Sanctitie of Mother Teresa , vvhich might perhaps haue seemed questionable , & doubtfull to me , vvhen I should haue seen her heer , the same I hold to be , both very euident , and very certaine , ( whilst now , I see her not ) by the view , vvhich I haue of her , both in her Daughters , & in those Bookes , vvhich she hath left behind her . For , by the vertue , vvhich shines so brightly , in all those Daughters of hers , vve come to know , vvithout anie errour at all , the great abundance of grace , vvhich it pleased Almightie God to vouchsafe to her , whome he would ordaine to be the Mother of this new Miracle . And really , that deserues , to be held for no lesse , then a Miracle , vvhich vve see our Blessed Lord to be doing daily , both in them , and others , by their meanes . Nay , if that must goe for a Miracle , vvhich happens beyond the naturall course , & order of things , there are , in this particular , so manie of them , vvhich are both new , and extraordinarie , as that to call them but a Miracle , vvere to say little ; for they are rather an assemblie , and heape of Miracles . For , it is one Miracle , that a single Woeman alone , should haue reduced an Order , both of Men , & Woemen , to Perfection . And a second , that the Perfection , to vvhich she brought them , vvas so great , and high . And a third , to find , to vvhat a huge encrease , it is growne , in so very few yeares , from so small beginnings . And now , euerie one of these three , is a thing , vvhich deserues particular consideration . For , if it belong not to Woemen , to teach , but to be taught , ( as S. Paul affirmes ) it growes instantly , to be a kind of Miracle , that a weake , & sicklie Woeman , should be so full of courage , as euen to vndertake so great a vvorke , as that ; and vvithall , should be so full of vvisdome and efficacie , as finally , to preuaile therein and should be also able , to steale the verie harts , out of the bodies of them , with who me she treated , that so , the might be able to giue them , to Almighty God and carrie such multitudes of people , after her , towards the embracing of all such things , as are apprehended , and abhorred most , by flesh , and bloud . Whereby , me thinkes , it appeares , that , in a time , vvhen the Diuel pretends , to triumph , in the multitude of those Infidels , vvho follow him ; and in the obstinacie of diuerse Hereticall Nations , vvhich take part vvith him ; & amongst the manie vices of loose Catholiques , who range themselues also on his side , the Maiestie of Almightie God , vvould be pleased ( for the greater contempt , and scorne of the Diuel ) to aduance , and set before him , not a Man , who should be valiant , & learned , but a poore , single Woemā , vvho should raise-vp , and plant a Banner of Defiance , against him ; and should publiquely draw people togeather , vvho might conquer him , and trample vpon him , and euen turne him , in fine , out of doores . And certainly , he vvas also resolued , that it should serue for a demonstration to the vvorld , ( and that , in a time , vvhen so manie thousands of men , vvere seeking , to venture vpon the spoile of his Kingdome , ( some , by their erroneous vnderstandings ; and others , by their depraued life , and manners ) to proue , how Mightie , and Omnipotent he was , by his introducing , & enabling a Woeman , vvho should both illuminate the mindes , and compose the affections , and reforme the actions , of manie ; and that her Children should daily grow-vp , into greater numbers , towards the reparation of those ruines . Now , in this ( as it vvere ) old age of his Church , he hath been also pleased to shew vs , that his Grace is not growne old , and vveake ; and that the strength and vertue of his Holie Spirit , is not lesse powerfull , at this day , then it was formerly , in those happie times of the Primitiue Church . Since now , by certaine meanes , vvhich are of an inferiour , and vveaker kind , then before , he doth , either the same , or , in effect , the verie same , vvhich he did , then . For ( to passe from the first Miracle , to the second ) the Life , vvhich your Reuerences lead , and the Perfection , vvherein your Holie Mother hath placed you , vvhat is it , but a picture of the Sanctitie of the Holie Primitiue Church ? For really , that , of vvhich vve read , in the Histories of those times , the self same thing , doe vve see now , vvith our verie eyes , in your conuersation , and proceeding . And your Life demonstrates that , by your actions , and vvorkes , vvhich hath lately ( through the little practise thereof ) seemed to be only found , in papers , and vvords . And that , vvhich being read , makes men wonder , yea and euen flesh and bloud , doth hardly know how to beleiue , we see to be all accomplished , and performed , by your Reuerence , and your holie Communitie . For , how absolutly , are you all , vntyed , and freed , from vvhatsoeuer , in fine , is not God ? And , how haue you offred your selues vp , into the armes of your Celestiall Spouse ; in vvhome , you howerly embrace one another ; vvith mindes of valiant men , though in the bodies , but of weake , and delicate Woemen ? And , how doe you put in execution , the most high , and generous kind of Christian Philosophie , vvhich euer vvas so much as thought of , by men ; and so , ariue , by your actions , ( in order to a perfect life ) to the exercise of all Heroicall Vertue ; vvhere , euen the witts of men , haue scarce ariued , with their Imagination ? For , you make litter , of all the riches of this world ; you haue Libertie , in hatred ; & Honour , in contempt ; and you loue Humilitie , and Mortification ; and all your attention , and studie , seemes euer to consist , in gaining ground vpon Vertue , by a holie kind of emulation , and competition , vvith one another . And so also , on the other side , your Spouse keepes very close correspondence vvith you , by infusing so very great strength of delight , and ioy , into your Soules , as that you possesse the treasure of true Alacritie , euen in your verie being depriued , and stripped of all those things , vvhich are wont to giue contentment , to poore-harted people , in this life . And so you also , with great generositie , tread all vvorldlie things , vnder your feet ; as persons , vvho be , as it vvere , exempted , euen from the lawes thereof ; or at least , are growne superiour to them all . For , neither doth trouble , or labour vvearie you ; nor Clausure , afflict you ; nor infirmitie , discourage you ; not euen death , amaze , or fright you ; but rather yeild himself vp , to be conquered , by you . But that , vvhich in the midst of all these particulars , serues , to make the vvonder , very extreame , is the great facilitie , and gust , vvherewith you goe through all these things , which , of themselues , are hard enough to be performed . For , Mortification is matter of solace to you ; Resignation , as a kind of Sport ; & Pennance , a Passe-time . And you goe putting that , in execution , which turnes Nature , into admiration ; and you conuert the exercise of the most Heroicall Vertues , into a pleasant kind of entertainment ; and all this , as it vvere , in a sporting , and reioycing way ; vvhereby , in fine , the certaintie of those vvords of Christ our . Lord , that His yoake , is svveet , and his burthen light , growes to be found effectually true . Since no Secular Ladie , takes so much pleasure , in her ornaments , and attires , as your Reuerences find it , to be a thing of great ioy , and gust for you , to lead the life , euen of Angells . And such doe you seem , really , to be , not only in the perfection of your liues , but in the vnion also , & resemblance of mindes , vvhich you maintaine therein , vvith one another ; Since no two things , are more like one another , then you are all , amongst your selues ; and euerie one , to euerie other ; in your speech , in your modestie , in your humilitie , in your discretion , in your sweetnes of Spirit ; and finally , in your whole proceeding , and conuersation . For , as the self same vertue , and vvay of Life , animates you all : so doth it also frame you all , after one manner ; and vve see , in you all , ( as in so manie pure , Christall glasses ) one kind of face , and countenance , vvhich is that , of your Holie Mother Teresa , deriued downe , and stamped vpon her Daughters . By meanes vvhereof , I see her now , ( as I vvas saying , at the first ) vvith more euidence , and clearnes , euen vvithout hauing formerly seen her ; because her Daughters , are not only the liuelie pictures of her internall features , but the assured testimonies also , of her perfections . And these , are communicated to you all ; and they passe from one of you , to another , with so great speed ( vvhich makes the Third Miracle-vp ) that , in the space of twentie yeares ( for , this falls-out to be the time , since she founded her first Monasterie , till now ) Spaine alone , is growne to be so full of her Monasteries , that aboue a thousand Religious persons , are daily seruing Almightie God , in this Countrie ; amongst vvhome , your Reuerences ( vvho are the Religious Woemen of that Order ) shine brightly ; and that , vvith as much difference , as the greater , and fairer Starres , exceed the lesser . For , as it was a happy Woeman , who gaue beginning to this Reformation : so it seemes , that the Woemen are they , who , in all things , haue aduantage of others ; and not only are the great , & guiding Lights of the Order , but are withall , the verie honour of our Nation , and the glorie , euen of the Age , wherein we liue . And , in fine , yow are those faire Flowers , which beautifye the great barrennes , of the Times ; and are certainly , the most rare , and choice parts , of the Church of God ; & liuelie testimonies of the efficacie of Christ our Lord ; and the euident proofe , of his Soueraigne vertue ; & finally , the expresse patterns , vvhereby vvee take the daily experience , of vvhat is promised vs , by our Faith. And this is now , as much , as concernes her Daughters ; vvhich is the former , of those two Images , or Pictures , of your Holie Mother , vvhereof I spake . Nor , is the second Image , or Picture , a whitt lesse Miraculous , then that former ; & it consists , in her Writings , & Bookes ; vvherein , vvithout anie question at all , the Holie Ghost vouchsafed , and resolued , that holie Mother Teresa should remaine , as a rare example , to the vvorld , &c. All these are the verie words , of Doctour Levvis de Leon. By this you therefore see what iudgement vvas made , at that time , of this admirable Creature , our Glorious Saint . But , by way of full cōclusion , to as much , as I now intend to speake of her excellencies , I must needs add a Clause , or two , vvhich I find deliuered by another eminent , vvise , & learned Authour , & it was Father Ribera , a Father of the Societie of IESVS , vvho vvrote her vvhole Life , at large ; & together with it , & indeed , as a very part thereof , he published certaine Exclamations , or lowde Aspirations , vvhich her enamoured Soule vvas wont to make to Almighty God , together with certaine Aduertisments also , concerning the sense , and feeling of Spirit , vvhich she found in her self ; vvith a signification , how she vvas affected , towards his Diuine Maiestie ; and finally , how she behaued her self then , in the growth of Prayer , and Perfection . Now , all this Account of her self , had been deliuered , by her , in her owne hand , to her Ghostlie Father , ( though one part of it , about a yeare sooner then the other ) for the enabling him the better , to direct her ; and she did it all , vvhilst she vvas yet , in the Monasterie ; of the Incarnation , vvhere she vvas placed first , before she had setled her owne Order , & way of Life , according to the primitiue Institution thereof ; though yet , she had euen then , begunne to serue our Blessed Lord , in great earnest . And then also , did his Diuine Maiestie rayne downe abundance of Supernaturall Fauours , vpon her happie Soule ; as the same exact Authour declares . But , that iudgement , which he made vpon her , I will heer deliuer to you , since it is so very short ; and withall , so very highly significant . For , thus he saith : By this , you may discerne , to how great perfection , this happie Soule ariued , in so short a time , which deserues to cast the world , into admiration . For , since she , in her beginnings , got-vp , towards the verie top of that Perfection , which is wont to be acquired , in this Life , euen by Saints ; to what passe , would she arriue , in the space of two , or three and twentie yeares , which she liued afterwards ; whilst she daily went encreasing , in the loue of Almightie God , by receauing so manie high Fauours , from his Diuine Maiestie ; by performing so manie Pennances ; by enduring so great afflictions , & tormets , through sicknes : togeather with manie persecutions , and troubles ; by founding so manie Monasteries ; by gaining so manie Soules ; by possessing so high Prayer ; by vsing so continuall Mortification ; & finally , through such an incomparable treasure , as she acquired afterward , by a multitude of most excellent vvorkes . For , if her beginnings were such , as out-stripped euen the conclusion of very perfect Soules : how farre shall vve imagine , that she vvould be sure to ariue , and reach , ere she came to an end ? These are the liuely testimonies , of this last , exact , and diligent Authour . And as for that former excellent discourse , of Doctour Levvis de Leon , it serues also , to let vs see , very clearly , the perfections of her happie Children , the Religious Woemen of her Order . And , since euen the Christian vvorld , at large , is vvont to call , & know her , by the name of Mother Teresa , how much more , haue the Religious , her deare , & most dear Daughters , reason , to call her so , as they doe . Since , togeather with the strictnes of their Rule , ( a strictnes yet , much more tending to the preseruing , & purifying their Mindes , then , anie vvay , to the afflicting of their Bodies ; ( vvhatsoeuer the Diuel vvould faine make the vvorld beleiue , so to discourage the Seruants of God , from becoming his better Seruants , by liuing vnder this most holie , and happie Rule ) there vvas euer so great indulgence in her , towards them , and such a tender kinde of care , ouer the health , and contentment , yea and euen , as it vvere , for the good humour of her Children , as that she might well deserue the name of a hundred thousand Mothers , all in one . For , that her verie kindnes , ariued euen thus farre , may be seen , in many passages both of her Rule , & of her Life . So that , vpon the vvhole matter , it vvas a kinde of hard case , to decide , whether she were of more rigour to her self ; or of more indulgence , towards her Children . And she did expresly require , that her Successours should be alwaies carefull , to maintaine the verie self same sweet , and euen , as it vvere , kinde-harted Spirit , in the gouernment of all such Soules , as should , euer , come to range themselues by her Order . And it seemes , that not only her counsaile was imparted to them then , but that her prayers , & protection , continues now , to the self same purpose ; and that still , she shrowdes , and shelters , them , vnder that care . For , the self-same Spirit remaines so entirely truly , amongst them , at this day , that , as they leade the liues of Angells , on the one side , so yet , doe they also , on the other , spend their time , vvith so much ioy , & gust , ( through that incredible kind of peace , & vnion of minde , vvhich they possesse , as vvell in order to their Superiours , as to themselues ) as if euerie one of them , vvere no lesse , then mightily euen in loue , vvith euerie other ; vvhich puts them into a kind of Heauen , before their time . Nay still , she seemes , as it vvere , visibly , to worke , in all kindes , for their aduantage . And heer , since this holie Saint tooke all the accidents , and occasions , not only of her Children , but euen of those Strangers , so extreamly , and extraordinarily , to hart , vvho applyed themselues , to obtaine her helpe , whilst she vvas yet , but an Inhabitant of this vvorld , I am confidently , yea and assuredly perswaded , that she vvill now , haue another manner of solicitude , for their good , and growth , in all happines , vvho shall celebrate , and desire to serue her . Which I wish , that the whole world may doe ; and , for my part , I am so much bound to our Blessed Lord ( for which I adore him , vvith my whole hart ) as to be sure , that I will procure to make one . The short Preface , or Introduction , vvhich vvas made by the Glorious S. TERESA , her selfe , to this Life of hers , vvhich she vvrote . I Could haue vvished , that , as they haue giuen me , a large kind of libertie , yea and a commandment also , to setdovvne , both the manner of my Prayer , and the Fauours , vvich our Blessed Lord vvas pleased to doe me , they had also , no lesse permitted me , to declare my great Sinnes , and vvicked Life , in very particular , and cleare manner ; for heerin , J should haue receiued much consolation . But this , they vvould not suffer me to doe ; nay rather , in this kind , they tyed me vp , very short . And therefore I beg earnestly , euen for the loue of our Blessed Lord , that they , vvho shall reade this Discourse of my Life , vvill take knovvledge , and attentiuely obserue , that it hath been so very vnvvorthie , and vvicked , as that I haue not found anie one Saint , amongst all them , vvho haue been conuerted from Sinne , to the Seruice of Almightie God , in vvhose example , J might be able to take comfort . For , J consider , that , vvhen once our Lord called them to himself , they returned not , anie more , to offend him ; vvhereas I , not only grevv vvorse , but rather , did ( it seemes ) euen make it my verie busines , and studie , hovv to resist those great Fauours , vvhich his Diuine Maiestie vvas pleased to doe me . As one , vvho , on the one side , found her self obliged to serue him , for them , so much the more ; and yet , vvho , on the other , obserued vvithall , that she vvas vnable , to make him anie payment , for the least part of all that , vvhich she ovved him . Let him be Blessed , for euer , vvho vouchsafed to expect me , so long ; and I beseech him , vvith my vvhole hart , to giue me grace , that I may , vvith all claritie , and truth , make this Relation , vvhich my Ghostlie Fathers haue commanded , at my hands ; yea , and vvhich , I knovv , our Lord himself , hath long expected , from me ; saue that yet vvithall , I could not easily presume so farre , as to venture vpon it . But at least , I vvish , that novv , it may proue , to the glorie , and praise of his Diuine Maiestie ; as also , to the end , that my said Ghostlie Fathers , ( grovving heerafter , into a clearer knovvledge of me , by this meanes ) may assist me , in my vveaknes , so much the more ; that so , at length , I may be able , to pay some little part , of that much seruice , vvhich I ovve to our Blessed Lord ; VVhome , let all Creatures praise , for all Eternities ; Amen . THE FIRST CHAPTER . She shevves , havv our Lord beganne to stirre-vp her Soule , in her Childhood , to the performing of vertuous actions ; and of the help , vvhich it giues , in order to this end , to be borne of vertuous Parents . THE very hauing of vertuous Parents , and such as liue in the feare of Almightie God , togeather with those fauours , which I receaued from his Diuine Maiestie , had been able , to haue made me good , if I had not been so very wicked . My Father was delighted , in reading good Bookes ; and vsed to haue them in Spanish , that so his Children might also reade them . This consideration , togeather with the care , which my Mother had , to make vs say our Prayers , and to put vs into a way of deuotion to our Blessed Ladie , and some other particular saints , beganne to awake , and stirre me vp , when I was ( to the best of my remembrance ) about six , or seauen yeares old . It assisted me also , towards this good end , to find , that there was no meanes for me , to winne the fauour of my Parents , but by the way of Vertue . My Father was a man of much charitie , towards poore people , and of compassion , towards the sick ; yea , and he had so much pittie , euen of his seruants , that he could neuer resolue to keepe anie slaues , for the tendernes which he had towards them . And there being once a slaue , in his house , who belonged to a Brother of his , he caused him to be treated , and fed , as if he had been one of his owne Children ; and sayd , through his great compassion , that he could not endure to see such as he was , vnless they might be made free . He was a man of much truth ; nor did euer anie creature heare him , either detract , or sweare . He was exeedingly honest , and chast . My Mother also , was enriched with manie Vertues ; and she passed through this life of hers , with grieuous sicknesses . Her chastitie , and puritie , was great , in the verie highest degree ; and though she had an abundance of Beautie , yet was it neuer so much as heard , that she gaue occasion , for the world to conceaue , that she made anie account of it , at all . For , comming afterwards to dye , when she was but three and thirtie yeares old , the order of her attire , had yet been such , as might haue well become a person of Age. She was of a most sweet disposition ; and yet vvithall , of a very solid vnderstanding . The afflictions , vvhich she sustained in this life , vvere great ; and she made a most Christian end , when she dyed . VVe vvere three Sisters , and nine Brothers ; and all , through the goodnes of Almightie God , vvere like our Parents , in being vertuous , except myself ; though yet , I vvas the most beloued of them all , by my Father ; and truly , till I beganne to offend Almightie God , he might seeme , to haue had some reason . For it goes to my verie hart , to remember , and consider , those good inclinations , vvhich our Lord had giuen me ; and the very little I knew , how to serue myself thereof . My Brothers also vvere such , in their proceeding , and vvay of life , as that they did not , by anie meanes , dis-assist me , from seruing Almightie God. One of them vvas almost of my yeares , and I loued him best , of them all ; though yet , I loued them all , very much , as they also , did me . But vve tvvo , ioyned much togeather , in reading the Liues of Saints ; and when I saw the Martyrdomes , through vvhich , some of them had passed , for the loue of our Lord , me thought they had bought Heauen ( vvhere they vvere to see , and enioy his Diuine Maiestie ) very good cheape : And myself also desired much , to dye so ; though not yet , for the loue , vvhich I found , and felt my self to beare him ; but rather , that I might come , by so compendious a vvay , to enioy those great felicities , which I had read , to be imparted in Heauen . I associated my self therefore , to this Brother of mine , to consider , vvhat meanes there might be , for our obtaining this end . And so vve grevv to resolue , that vve vvould goe into : Barbarie , amongst the Mores , and begg , by the vvay , as vve vvent ; that so vve might come , by degrees , to loose our liues there , for our Lord. And it seemed , that he , gaue vs courage enough , for this purpose , euen in that tender age of ours , if vve could haue found anie meanes , to sett it on foot ; but our euen hauing of Parents , seemed to be the greatest hindrance , vve had . We found our selues much amazed , to perceaue , in those things , vvhich vve read , that both the Paine , and Glorie , of the next life , vvas to last for euer ; and vve chanced , to speake often , of this particular ; and vve tooke pleasure , in repeating these vvords , many times ; For euer , For euer , For euer ; and by continuing to pronounce them , long , and often , our Lord vvas pleased , to imprint the way of Truth , vpon my hart , in that verie infancie of mine . But novv , vvhen I savv it vvas impossible for me , to goe , where they might put me to death , for the loue of our Lord , my Brother , and I , proiected , how to become Heremits , at home ; and so , in a certaine Garden , vvhich belonged to the house , vve procured , to set vp some little Oratoryes , or Chappels , after the manner of Heremitages , the best we could ; and vve assembled little stones , for that purpose , vvhich vvould instantly be falling downe againe ; and so vve met vvith no meanes , to put out good desires , in execution . But , in the meane time , I am not vvithout some feeling of deuotion , to consider , hovv soone it pleased Almightie God , to giue me this kinde of tendernes towards him ; vvhich aftervvards I grevv to loose , through mine ovvne fault . I gaue Almes , as vvel as I could , though it vvere but little . I procured to be much alone , for the better doing my deuotions , vvhich vvere manie ; and especially that of the Rosarie , to which , my Mother vvas much affected ; and she endeauoured also , to make vs , so . I tooke particular contentment , vvhilst I vvas playing vvith other Children , like myself , to frame certaine little things , like Monasteries , as if vve had been Religious woemen ; and me thought , I desired to be one ; though yet , not vvith such vehemencie of affection , as I did those other things , vvhereof I spake . I remember , that vvhen my Mother dyed , she left me a little less , then tvvelue yeares old ; and as soone as I beganne to vnderstand , hovv great a losse I had sustained , by loosing her , I vvas very much afflicted ; and so I vvent besore an Image of our Blessed Ladie , and I humbly besought her , vvith manie teares , that she vvould vouchsafe , to be my Mother . And though I performed this little action , but in a plaine , and simple manner ; yet , me thinkes , I may vvel conceaue , that it hath serued me , to verie good purpose ; for I haue most euidently found , the fauour of this Soueraigne Virgin , concerning all things , vvherein I haue recommended myself , to her care ; and , in fine , she hath brought me about , to her self . It afflictes me to the very hart , to see , and consider , hovv poore those impediments vvere , vvhich kept me from remaining entire , and constant , in those good desires , vvhich I beganne to haue . But , O my deare Lord , since it seemes , thou vvilt vouchsafe to saue me ( and I beseech thy Diuine Maiestie , that it my be so ) and to shevv me so great fauours , as thou hast donne me ; might it not please thee ( not for my interest , and profit , but for that high reuerence , vvhich is due to thy self ) to take order , that this house of my hart , vvherein thou shouldst for euer remaine , might be no more defiled ? Nay , it goes , O Lord , to my verie soule , euen to say thus much ; because I knovv , and feele , that the fault therof , vvas vvholy mine ; for , as for thee , I finde clearly enough , that there wanted nothing at all , on thy part , to secure me , for being totally thine ovvne , euen from that tender age of mine . And if I vvould be content , to seeke some colour , to complaine of my Parents ; vvith as little reason also , can I doe that ; since I could neuer discouer any thing in them , but all goodnes , and all care also , of my good . But passing on , from that tender age , to be able , to beginne to vnderstand the benefits , and guifts of Nature , vvhich our Lord had bestovved vpon me ( vvhich others esteemed , and sayd , to be great ) in steed of giueing him thankes for the same , I beganne , to serue my self of them all , tovvards the offence of his Diuine Maiestie ; as I shall novv declare . THE SECOND CHAPTER . VVhich shevves , hovv she vvent loosing , in the vvay of Vertue ; and hovv very much it importes , to conuerse , in childhood , vvith vertuous persons . I Belieue , that a certaine thing , vvhereof I vvil novv giue account , beganne to doe me a great deale of hurt . Sometimes I grovv to consider , hovv ill those Parents doe , vvho procure not , that their Children should be euer seing examples of Vertue , in all kindes . For , though my Mother were very eminent that vvay , ( as I haue sayd already ) yet I tooke not so much of that good to myself , vvhen first I came to the vse of Reason , no nor almost euen anie thing at all ; and , on the other side , vvhatsoeuer there vvas of imperfect , and ill , did hurt me much . My Mother vvas very particularly affected , to reade Bookes of Caualleria , or vaine histories ; but she tooke not so much hurt , by that entertainment , as I did ; because it hindred not that vvorke the vvhile , about vvhich she vvas ; but disengaged vs , from other things , that so vve might reade them . And perhaps she did it also the rather , that she might so , haue her thoughts lesse bent , vpon the memorie of the great afflictions , vvhich she felt , and to employ also her Children in such sort , as to diuert them , from the thought of vvorse things . My Father vvas yet so much troubled at this , that particular care vvas had , that he might not kouvv it . But I , in the meane time , remained with the custome of reading these Bookes ; and that little fault of mine , vvhich euen I , myself , discerned therein , beganne to coole my good desires ; and vvas the reason , vvhy I also grevv to faile , in the rest ; and I made myself belieue , that it vvas not very ill donne ; though yet I spent manie howers , both of the day , and night , in so vaine an exercise ; and though it vvere still concealed from my Father . But I vvas possessed heervvith , in such extremitie , that if perhaps , I could not gett some nevv Booke , I savv not , hovv I could be in contentment . I beganne also to make my self fine ; and to desire , to grovv acceptable , in seeming handsome ; and I tooke much care of my hands , and of my haire , and to get choice perfumes ; togeather vvith all those vanities , vvhich it vvas possible , for me to incurte , by this meanes ; vvhich , I confesse , vvere enow ; in regard , that I vvas very curious , in this kinde . I had only , no ill intention ; nor desired I , vpon anie tearmes , that anie Creature should offend Almightie God , vpon anie occasion of mine ; but I continued , in so great a curiositie , for daintines , and cleanlines , as vvas euen beyond all reason ; and those things , vvhich for manie yeares , I conceaued to be of no sinne at all , I finde novv , hovv very ill they vvere . Novv I had certaine Cosen-germans , vvho frequented my Fathers house , in familiar manner ; no others , hauing any such libertie as that . For , my Father was very warie , and reserued , in this kinde ; but I would to God , he had also been so , in respect of my Cosins ; because now , I discerne the danger , that it is , for such as are to beginne to plant Vertue in the soule , to treate with persons , who know not , in true account , how great the Vanitie of the world is ; but rather are inclined to awake , & stirre others vp , to cast themselues also , into the same danger . These kinsmen of mine , were , in effect , of mine owne age ; or rather a little elder then I. VVe were vsually togeather : and they carried great affection to me , and in all things , which gaue them contentment , I was willing to vphold the discourse ; and gaue eare , to the successes of their loue to others : and such other fooleries , as are good for nothing . Yea , and , which is worse , I grew , by these meanes , to lay my soule open , to be looked vpon , by certaine idle thoughts , which were the cause of all the ensuing ill . If I were worthie , to aduise Parents , I would wish them to take great heed , what kinde of persons they admitted , to conuerse with their Children ; for , much harme , may grow from thence ; since the naturall condition of Mankinde , wil neuer clime vp , so easily towards good , as decline towords ill ; at least , it hapned so , to me . I had a Sister , much elder , then my self , of whose puritie , and goodnes ( whereof she had great store ) I tooke no part ; but I failed not , to take all hurt , from a certaine other kins-woman of mine , who had also , familiar entrie into our house . Now she , was of so light , and guiddie a conuersation , that my Mother had vsed seuerall diligences , to diuert her , from familiaritie with vs. For it seemes , she did euen half foresee the mischief , which was to grow vpon me , by her meanes ; and yet , on the other side , the occasion was so great , & faire , whereby she was to enter , that euen my Mother , could not tell , how to decline it . VVith this Creature ( as I was saying ) did I come to haue much delight , to entertaine myself . VVith her , was my conuersation , and my discourse ; because I found , that she employed her self willingly , vpon all those wayes , of passing my time , wherein I delighted most . Yea , and , sometimes , she would embarke me in them , of her self ; giuing me part , and knowledge , of all her owne conuersations , and vanities . Till I beganne to be familiar with her ( when , I thinke , I was some foureteen yeares old , or rather a little more ) I meane , till she had wrought her selfe into so much friēdship with me , as to make me partake the knowledge of all her little affaires ) I am much inclined to thinke , that I had neuer forfeited the fauour of Almightie God , by anie Mortall Sinne ; nor euer forsaken the feare of his Diuine Maiestie ; though yet still , I feared more , to loose my honour . This last point , was of power enough with me , for not permitting mee to loose it outright ; nor doe I conceiue , that any thing of this world , could make mee change that resolution ; nor was there any person aliue , who could winne mee , to yeild my selfe vp , to that misery . I would to God , I had so abounded in strength , & courage , as not to make one pace , against the honour of his Diuine Maiestie ; as euen a kinde of naturall constitution of minde , confirmed me , towards the not loosing that , wherein I held the honour of this world , to consist ; though yet I considered not , the while , that I lost , euen that also , manie wayes . For the vaine vpholding heerof , I had euen an extreame resolution ; though yet , for the proper , and fitt meanes , which was necessarie for preseruing it , I vsed none at all ; only I was earnest , in taking care , that I might , by no meanes , loose myself , outright . My Father , and my Sister , were much troubled about this friendship of mine , and reproued me for it , very often ; but yet , they being vnable to remoue the occasion of her coming to vs , at times , their diligences were euer wont , to fall short ; for , my sagacity , & sharpe conceipt , in contriuing anie thing , which might be ill , was very great . I am sometimes , vpon this occasion , in a wonder , at how much hurt , ill companie may doe ; and if it had not been mine owne case , I could hardly belieue it ; especially , when it occurrs , in the time of innocent , and fresh youth ; for then , doth it greatest hurt ; and I could wish , that Parēts would take some warning by me , that so they might consider it wel . For the truth is , that this conuersation did worke such an entire change vpon me , that I , who formerly , had not only a Soule , but euen a kinde of naturall constitution , inclined to Vertue , was growne to haue , in effect , no semblance , or signe at all , thereof ; and it seemes , that both she , and yet another , who was , vpon the matter , of the same humour , had imprinted their owne conditions vpon me . From hence also , I am growne to vnderstand , how pretious a thing , good companie is ; and I hold it for as good , as a most certaine truth , that , if in that age of mine , I had conuersed with onlie vertuous persons , my selfe should haue proued accomplished , in the way of Vertue ; and that , if , in those tender yeares , I had mett with such , as would haue made it their busines , to make me feare Almighty God , my soule would haue gathered such strength , as might haue kept it from falling . But afterward , this feare of God , growing to be lost , the care only of my honour remained ; which gaue me a kinde of torment , in whatsoeuer I did . But now , with thinking , that such , and such things , would neuer be knowne , I presumed to doe manie , which were both against my honour , and against God. In the beginning , those things did me harme , as I am apt to thinke ; though yet perhaps , that hapned not , by the fault of others , but by mine owne ; but afterward , mine owne malice fell out , to be sufficient , for mine owne mischief ; together with the help of my Maides , who were readie enough , for anie thing , that was naught . If anie one of them , had but aduised me well , it would haue serued my turne ; but interest blinded them ; as my inclination , did me . And though I neuer was addicted to much ill ( for euen naturally I abhorred such things , as concerned dishonestie ) yet I liked to passe my time in faire conuersation ; but being afterward growne into the occasions , the danger was neerer at hand ; and that brought also my Father , and my Brothers , into some . But God , deliuered me out of them , in such sort , as that it well appeared , how he was pleased to procure , euen against my will , to preserue me , from my totall perdition ; though yet still , things could not be carried so priuatly , as that my honour did not suffer preiudice by it , euen abroad ; besides a little suspicion of my Father , at home . For I remember not , that they ariued to be three moneths , of my walking , vp , and downe , in these vanities , when they carried me to a certaine Monasterie , in this towne , where they were wont to giue education , to such , as I was ; though yet , not so vntoward , as myself . But it was donne with great discretion , and reserue ; for only I , and a kinsman of mine , knew of it ; and they stayed a while , for a certaine coniuncture of things , to keepe it from seeming new , or strange ; for , my Sister was then lately married ; and so , it would not seeme , so very handsome , that I should stay at home alone , without a Mother . The loue , which my Father bore me , was so extreame ( and so also was my dissimulation ) that he could not belieue so much ill of me , as I deserued ; and therefore I was not falne into his disfauour . For , the time hauing been but short , though perhaps , he might happen to heare of some little wispering , yet it could neuer be deliuered to him , with anie certaintie ; in regard , that I hauing so tender a care of myself , in point of honour , all my diligences were employed , vpon keeping things secret ; and I considered not , the while , how impossible a thing it was , to hide anie thing from him , by whome , all things are seen . O my God! what a mischief doth it bring vpon the world , to make light of this ; and to thinke , that such things can be secret , as are repugnant to thy will ? For my part , I hold it for certaine , that many great sinnes would be forborne , if once we would grow to vnderstand , that the busines doth not consist , in saueing our selues harmlesse from men ; but in keeping our selues very farre , from disgusting Almightie God. During the first eight dayes of my being in the Monasterie , I feit it much , euen for it self ; but yet more , for the suspicion I had , that my vanitie was discouered , then for that I was placed there . For now already , I became wearie of doing ill ; and I failed not , to haue great feare , of Almightie God , whensoeuer I offended him ; and I procured , to Confesse myself often . But after those eight dayes , yea & peraduenture sooner , I grew to be better pleased there , then euen in mine owne Fathers house . All the Religious were glad to be in my companie ; for in this , our Lord endewed me with a particular grace , that I alwayes , gaue contentment , wheresoeuer I was ; and so I vsed euer , to be much beloued . And though I were , at that time , in extremitie of being auerse from becoming a Religious woeman , yet I ioyed to see so good Religious woemen , as they were , after an eminent proportion , in that house ; and of great puritie , and obseruance , and recollection . But yet , notwithstanding all this , the Diuel gaue not ouer to tempt me ; and he found out such persons from abroad , as might disquiet me , with certaine messages of theirs . But , in regard there was no great oportunitie for those things , they quickly ceased ; and my soule beganne againe , to accustome it selfe to the good impressions , of my first youth ; and I saw , how great fauour , Almighty God doth them , whome he casts into their companie , who are good . And it seemes , as if the Diuine Maiestie had gone looking , and yet looking againe , by what meanes he might bring me back , to himself . Blessed be thou , O lord , who didst endure me so long ; Amen . One particular there was , which , it seemes , might turne a little , to my excuse , if I had not been guiltie of so manie faults : And it is , that the Conuersation , which I held , was with one , who , by way of marriage , seemed to make it probable , to end well . And I informing myself , about it , of my Confessarius , and of others also , with whome I consulted in manie things , they told me , that I offended not Almighty God. But now , one of the Religious was lodged , where we , who were secular persons , were also accommodated ; and it seemes , that our lord was pleased to giue me light , by her meanes ; as I will now declare . THE THIRD CHAPTER . VVherein she treates , hovv her falling into vertuous companie , vvas the occasion of her returning to avvake good desires , in herself ; And hovv our Lord beganne , to giue her some light of the errour , vvherein she had formerly been . BVt now , I , beginning to take gust , in the good , and holie conuersation , of this Religious woeman , was ioyed to heare , how well she was wont to speake of Almighty God ; for , she was both very holie , and very discreet . Of this , I conceiue , & confesse , I did neuer , at anie time , giue ouer , to ●●●●ery glad to heare . She began , one day , to tell n●●●●ow she was growne , to be a Religious woman , by the onlie reading of that place , of the Ghospell , That manie are called ; but fevv , are chosen . And she spake much to me , of the reward , which our lord is wont to giue to such , as leaue all things , for the loue of him . In a word , this good societie of hers , beganne quickly , to put to flight , those customes , and condiuons , which ill companie had brought vpon me ; and restored the desire of eternall blessings , to my thoughts ; yea , and to stripp me , in some part , of that great enmitie , and opposition , against becominge a Religious woemā , which formerly had been very extreame . But now , if I chanced to see anie one , who shed manie teares for her sinnes ; or els , that she abounded in other vertues ; I carried a kinde of enuie towards her ; though as for this hart of mine , it was so very hard , and euen impenetrable in this kinde , that if I should haue read ouer , the whole Historie of the Paision of our Blessed Sauiour , I was not able to shed a teare ; and this put me to a great deale of paine . In this Monasterie , did I remaine , a yeare , and a half ; and I was much improued there . I beganne to say manie Vocall prayers ; and I procured , of all the Religious , that they would recommend me much , to Almightie God ; to the end , that he might place mee in such a way of Life , as , wherein , I might be likelie , to serue him best . But still I did euen desire , that I might not be a Religious woman , and that this , might not be the state , which God would giue me ; though yet still , I was afrayd to be married . But now , at the end of the time , when I was there , I already beganne to be more inclined to be a Religious woeman ; though yet , not in that verie House where I was then in regard of those actions of extraordinarie vertue , and pennance , which , I vnderstood , they vsed ; and which seemed to me , of too much rigour . Yet there were some of the yonger sort of themselues , who encouraged me , towards those formet more imperfect thoughts ; for , if they all , had been of one opinion , it would haue been much , to my true aduantage . I had also a great friend , in another Monasterie ; and this was partly a reason , why , if I would be a Religious woman , I would not yet be so , in anie other place , then where that friend of mine was . For I carried more respect , to my sensualitie , and vanitie , then to the benefit , which I might bring to my soule . These good thoughts of being a Religious woman , were often coming to me , by times ; but they were instantly sent away againe ; and I could not yet persuade myself , to be one . At this time , though my self were not altogether vvithout care of my cure , yet our Lord vvas much fuller of desire , to dispose me , for that state , vvhich vvould be best , for my soule . He then gaue me so great a sicknes , that I vvas forced , to returne home , to my Fathers house . And vven once , I vvas recouered , they conducted me , to giue a Visit , to one of my Sisters , in the Countrie ; for , the loue , vvhich I bore her , vvas extreame , and by her vvill , I should neuer haue parted from her . Her Husband did also loue me very much ; and , at least , he regaled me highly . And euen for this also , am I obliged to our Blessed Lord ; since in all places vvhere I haue been , I was euer treated after this manner ; notwithstanding that I haue been , as vnthankefull to him for it , as for his other fauours . Now by the way towards my Sister , I had an Vnckle , my Fathers Brother , vvho vvas a very aduised man , and of great vertue . He vvas a Widdower ; and our Lord vvent disposing him , for his owne seruice ; and vvhen he grew on , to be of yeares , he left the vvorld , and became a Religious man ; and ended his life , in such sort , that I belieue , he is now enioying the Vision of Almightie God. But he vvould needs haue me ( as I passed ) remaine with him , some dayes . His vsuall exercise , vvas to reade good Bookes , in the Spanish toung ; and his discours vvas most commonly of God , and of the vanitie of the world ; and those Bookes , vvould he also make me reade . And though I had no great liking to this , yet I pretended that I had ; for , in the point of giuing contentment to others , I had euer an extreame kind of care , how deare soeuer it might cost me . So that the same thing , vvich had been vertue in others , was a great fault in me ; because I often carried my self therin , vvith much indiscretion . O my God! By vvhat vvaies did thy Diuine Maiestie goe disposing me , for that state , in vvhich thou vvert pleased , that I should serue thee ; since thou didst euen force me thus , as it vvere , against my vvill , to force my self . Be thou blessed for all eternitie ; Amen . Though I stayed not long , in that place ; yet , by the effect , vvhich the vvords of Almighty God , wrought in my hart , whether they vvere read , or heard by me , together vvith so good companie , as that vvas , vvherein I found my self then , I came to vnderstand this Truth , vvhich I had learnt , when I was yet but a Child , That , namely , all was nothing ; and how great , the vanitie of the vvorld vvas ; and that all , vvould be , shortly , at an end ; and that I might iustly feare , least dying in that condition , wherein I vvas , I might chance goe dropping downe into Hell. And though my vvill did not yet entirely resolue me , to make my self a Religious vvoman , yet I vvell discerned , that it vvas the better , and more secure state ; and so , by little and little , I determined , to force my hart , to embrace it . In this battaile , I remained three moneths , constraining my self , at last , by this following discours , and reason : that the troubles , and afflictions , of being a Religious vvomā , could not be greater , then the paine of Purgatorie ; And that I , hauing so vvel deserued Hell , it vvas not to be esteemed too much , if I remained , vvhilst I should liue , heer , as in Purgatorie , so that afterward , I might goe streight to heauen . For this , was my desire . But yet euen in this inclination of mine , to take this state vpon me , I doubt I vvas more moued , by a kinde of seruile Feare , then by Loue. The Diuel , in the meane time , represented to me , that I would neuer be able , to suffer the difficulties , and troubles of a Religious life ; because formerly , I had been vsed so delicately , and vvas so nice . But yet , against this also , I defended my self , as vvell as I could , by the afflictions , vvhich Christ our Lord , endured for me ; and that so , it vvould not be much , for me to endure some , for him , I ought also to haue considered , that he would giue me help , to beare them . Yet I remember not , whether I had this last consideration , or no ; but I am sure , I had temptations enow , about that time . I then also grew , to haue great fitts of fainting , by a burning Feauer , into wich I fell ; for I alwaies had little health . But it gaue mee euen my life , at that time , that already I was growne to loue good Bookes ; and so I came to reade the Epistles of S. Ierome , which holpe me to such hart , and courage , as to make me resolue , that I would impart my purpose , to my Father ; which , in effect , was euen as much for me , as to take the verie Habit vpon mee . For I was euer so affected , to maintaine the point of Honour , that , mee thinkes , I could neuer haue turned back againe , vpon any tearmes , when I had first engaged my selfe , by speaking any one word , to the contrary . But he loued me , to so strange a proportion , that , by no meanes , I could winne his consent ; nor was the intercession of such persons , as I procured to moue him , in order to my end , of anie power at all , to preuaile . The most that I could get at his hands , was , that , when he should be dead , I might doe , what I listed , with my self . But , as for me , I was in doubt , of mine owne great weaknes ; as fearing , that I might loose ground , and fall back againe : And so , I thought , it was not fitt for me , to content my self with the offer which he made ; and I procured therefore , to obtaine my end , by another meanes ; which I will now declare . THE FOVRTH CHAPTER . VVherein she relates , hovv our Lord assisted her , to force herself , to take the Habit of Religion ; And of the manie infirmities , vvhich he began to bring vpon her . IN these dayes , whilst I was walking on , with my hart , in such determinations , or strong purposes , as I haue heer described , I perswaded one of my Brothers , to become a Religious man ; discoursing to him , vpon the vanitie of the world ; and so we , both of vs , agreed , to goe very early together , one morning , to the Monasterie , where that friend of mine remained , who was she , to whome I carried so great affection ; though yet , in this last firme purpose of mine , I was growne to be of such resolution , that I vvould liue , vvhereseuer I thought , I might serue God best , or my Father should desire most , that I might be ; for now , I sought more earnestly , for the good of my soule ; and made no account at all , of rest , or ease . And I remember ( to the verie vttermost , of what I am able to call to minde , and according to the verie rigour of truth ) that , whilst I was going out of my Father's house , I belieue not , that the sharpnes of sense , will be able to be greater , euen in the verie instant , or agonie of my death , then it was then . For it seemed to me ; as if euerie bone , which I had in my bodie , had been disioynted from all the rest . And there being no such loue of God in me , at that time , as vvas able to quench that loue , vvhich my hart carried to my Father , and Friends ; all that , vvhich then I did , vvas vvith so mighty a violence , that if God had not giuen me great help , mine owne consideration would neuer haue beē able to carry me on ; but heer , he allowed me such courage , euen against myself , that I had power , to put my purpose , in execution . At the instant of my taking the Habit , our Lord gaue me vvell to vnderstand , hovv highly he fauours them , vvho offer themselues violence , for the doing him anie seruice ; though yet , no bodie had found by me , but that I entred into the vvay of Religious Obseruance , vvith much facility , and good liking . But at that verie instant , I tooke so great cōtentment , to put my self into that manner of life , as hath neuer failed me once , till this verie hower . And God changed that drynes , vvherein my soule had formerly been , into an extreame tendernes ; and all the obseruances of Religion , gaue me great delight ; yea , and it is a most certaine truth , that vvhilst I vvas , sometimes , going , vp , and downe , to sweepe the house , at such howers , as , before , I had been vvont to employ vpon the gallanterie , and regalo of my person , and vvent considering , that now I vvas free from that subiection , it gaue me a particular ioy ; and that , so very great , that it amazed me ; nor vvas it in my power , to vnderstand , from vvhence the same should come . VVhen I remembred , and cōsidered this ; there could be nothing , how grieuous soeuer , vpon vvhich , if it vvere sett before me , I should not haue ventured to attempt . For I haue already , good experience of things enow , to assure me , that since God did help me , in the beginning , to resolue to doe such things , as these ( vvhich being only donne for the loue of God he ordaines , for our greater merit afterward , that our soules should be in some trouble , and terrour , at the first ; and the greater that trouble is , the greater , and the more sauourie also , vvill the reward therof , fall out to be , if vve goe through , vvith the busines ) his Maiestie vvil also be pleased , to recompense them , highly vvel , euen in this life ; by such vvayes , as he only , vvho enioyes them , can vnderstand . This , I say , I haue found true , by experience , in manie particulars of great moment . And therefore , if I vvere a person , vvho might be vvished to giue my opinion , I vvould neuer aduise anie Creature . that , vvhen anie good inspiration did often moue , and set vpon a soule , it should giue it ouer , for feare of not performing the vvorke . For , if one goe on , meerly , and purely , for the onlie loue , of our Lord , there must be no feare at all , of good successe ; since the same Lord is powerfull enough , to preuaile in all things ; And let him be euer blessed , Amen . These fauours , vvhich thou hadst , hitherto , bestowed vpō me , out of thine owne meer goodnes , and greatnes , might vvell haue been sufficient , ( O thou , my Soueraigne Good , and repose of my soule ) to draw me towards thee , by so manie vvindings , and turnings , to so safe a vvay of life ; and to a House , vvhere there are so manie seruants of thine , of vvhome I might learne to grow vp in pleasing thee . But heer I know not , how I can passe on , to thinke of anie thing els , vvhen I consider the manner of my Profession ; and the great resolution , and gust , vvherewith I made it ; and the Espousalls , vvhich I perfected vvith thee . For I cannot speake of this , vvithout teares ; which were to be , euen of bloud ; and not vvithout the breaking of my verie hart ( vvhich yet could not be too great a demonstration ) vvhen I vveigh , how deeply I offended thee afterward . Now , me thinkes , that I had reason before , in not desiring so great a dignitie , as this ; considering , how ill I vvere like to employ it . But thou , O my Lord , vvert pleased to permitt , that I might vse this fauour so ill , twentie yeares togeather ; and vvouldst content thy self , to be the person affronted , that I might be the person , improued . For , it seemes not to me now , O my God , that I made thee anie promise , of anie thing , but only , that I vvould keepe no promise , vvich I had made thee ; though yet , my intention vvas not such , at that time . And yet , I finde my actions , to haue growne afterward , to be such , that I may very vvell thinke , I scarce know , vvhat kind of intention I had . And thus , it may the better be seen , vvho thou art ; O my Spouse , and my God ; and who I am . For it is really , an expresse truth , that the grief , for my very great sinnes , is tempered in me , manie times , by the contentment , which this consideration giues me , that my sinnefulnes may proue a meanes , to make the multitude of thy mercies , be vnderstood . For , in whome , O Lord , can they euer shine so brightly , as in me ; who haue , by my wicked actions , so obscured those great fauours , which thou beganst to doe me ? Ah , woe is me , O my Creatour ; for , if I looke for anie excuse , I can find none ; nor hath anie creature the fault of it , but only my self ; and if I would pretend to pay thee anie thing , for the least part of that Loue , which thou beganst to shew me , I should not know , how to employ it , vpon anie thing , but only thy self ; and thereby , might all be redressed , since I neuer deserued the same . Nor was I euer so happie as to doe euen this ; and therefore now , O Lord , let thy mercie vouchsafe , to supply all wants . But now , the change , which I made of my life , and the difference of my food , at this time , from the former , beganne to doe me hurt , in the way of health ; for though the contentment , which I had , was great , yet would it not serue the turne . My fitts of fainting , and swooning , beganne againe to encrease ; and such a hideous beating of the hart , came vpon me , as amazed all them , who saw it ; besides manie other infirmities . And thus I passed on , my first yeare , with a kinde of health , which was ill enough ; though yet , within that time , I conceaue my self , not to haue offended God , much . But my sicknes being so great , that it depriued me almost of my senses ( yea and sometimes , I was vvholy depriued ) the diligences , which my Father vsed for my recouerie , vvere also very great ; and vvhen the Doctours of those parts , found no remedie , he procured to get me remoued , to a certaine place , vvhere there vvas great fame of the curing manie other infirmities ; and so , they assured themselues , that they vvould be able to doe also , vvith mine . That friend , vvhome I mentioned to be in that House , vvent vvith me ; for she vvas of yeares ; and in the Monasterie , vvhere she liued , they made no Vow of Clausure . I stayd almost a yeare , in that other place ; and , during three moneths therof , I suffred so excessiue torments , by the manner of the Cure , vvich was very rigorous , that I know not , how I vvas able to endure them ; and though I did endure them , yet , me thinkes , it vvas not my Bodie , vvhich could doe it ; as I vvil now declare . This Cure vvas to be taken in hand , in the beginning of Sommer ; and I vvent in the beginning of VVinter . All this meane time , I remained in the house of that Sister , of vvhome I spoke before , vvho dwelt in the Countrie ; because I vvas then , neer the place ; and yet it vvas very troublesome , to be going , and coming , to , and fro . VVhen I departed from that Vncle of mine , vvhome I declared my selfe , to haue visited in the vvay , he gaue me a certaine Booke , vvich is called , The third A. B. C. ; which treats of the manner of Prayer , with Recollection . Now , though in that first yeare , I had read some good Bookes , forbearing vtterly , to looke vpon anie other ( for I was not ignorant , of the hurt , which such as those , had donne me ) yet I knew not , how to proceede in Prayer , nor how to obtaine Recollection ; and so I was very glad of this Booke , and determined to follovv that way , to the vttermost of my power . And , since our Lord had already been pleased , to bestow the guift of teares vpon me ; and since I delighted also in reading , I beganne to spend some good fitts of time , in solitude ; and to Confesse myself very often ; and , in a word , to addresse myself , by that way ; esteeming that Booke to be my Maister . For I could meet with no other Maister , ( I meane , a Ghostlie Father ) who was able to vnderstand me ; though I fought such an one , almost twentie yeares , after this time . VVhich accident , did me hurt enough , towards the making me turne back often ; yea , and for the making me loose myself . But such an one , would haue daily assisted me , to lay aside , and leaue those occasions , which I tooke , to offend Almightie God. In these beginnings , his Diuine Maiestie beganne to doe me so great fauours , that at the end of the time , when I remained there , ( which was about nine moneths ) in this way of solitude ; ( though I were not so free from offending God , as the Booke appointed ; which I neglected , as holding it impossible , to continue still , so watchfull ouer myself ) I was carefull , not to commit anie Mortall sinne ; and I would to God , I had alwaies been so ; but of Venialls , I made no great account ; and this was that , in fine , which destroyed me . But our Lord began to regale me so much , by this way , that he vouchsafed me the favour , to giue me Quiet Prayer ; and sometimes , it came so farre , as to arriue to Vnion ; though I vnderstood , neither the one , nor the other ; nor how much they both , deserued to be prized . But I belieue , it would haue been a great deale of happines , for me , to haue vnderstood the certainty thereof . True it is , that this Vnion rested with me , for so short a time , that , perhaps , it might ariue to be , but as of an Aue Maria ; yet I remained with so very great effects therof , that , with not being then , so much as twentie yeares old , me thought , I found the whole world vnder my feet ; and so I remember well , that I was wont to carrie great compassion towards such , as followed the wayes of the world ; though it were , but euen in lawfull things . I Procured , the best I could , to carry our Lord , who is our true Good , still present with me ; and euen within me ; and this was the manner of my prayer . If I thought vpon anie passage , or Mysterie , I represented it , to the interiour , of myself ; and other times , I spent in reading good Bookes ; which was all the recreation , that I had . For God gaue not me the talent of discoursing with my Vnderstanding , nor to help my self , by the vse of my Imagination , which I haue so heauie , and grosse , that euen to thinke , and represent within my self , so much as the Humanitie of our Blessed Lord , ( which I endeauoured to doe ) was yet more , then I could possibly performe . And , howsoeuer , by this way , of not being able to employ , and set the Vnderstanding on worke , in the way of discourse , men may sooner ariue to Contemplation , if they perseuer therin ; yet is it very troublesome , and painefull ; because , if the employment of the will , doe faile so farre of obtaining the true end , as that their Loue finde no present Obiect to embrace , the soule is left , as it were , without anie exercise , and rest , at all ; and that kinde of solitude , and drynes , giues much trouble ; and opens the way , to a combat , and confusion of thoughts . As for persons , who haue this disposition , there is need of a greater puritie of Conscience , then for such others , as are able to worke , and discourse , by way of the Vnderstanding . For he , who is able to discourse , vpon what this world is ; and vpon what he owes to Almightie God ; and how much he suffered for him ; and how little himself is able to serue him ; and vvhat he bestowes vpon such , as loue him ; vvil be able to draw a doctrine from thence , vvhich may defend him from impertinent thoughts , and occasions , and dangers . But he , vvho can not serue himself thereof , runnes more hazard ; and shall therefore doe vvell , to employ himself much , vpon reading ; since , on his owne part , he knowes not , hovv to help himself . This manner of proceeding , is so very extreamly painefull , that , if the Directour , who instructs , shall vrge him much , to pray , without reading ( which greatly helpes to recollect the person , who proceeds thus ; yea and is necessarie for him , though it be little , which he reades ; saue only in time , and place of Mentall Prayer , which he is not able to make ) I say , if without this help , they make him stay much in Prayer , it wil be impossible , for him , to last long , therin ; and besides , it wil doe him hurt , in point of health ; for it is extreamly painefull . Now it seemes , that our Lord prouided so for me , as that I should not finde anie Creature , to instruct me ; for it had been impossible for me , I thinke , to continue to endure this extreame difficultie , and these great aridities , through my not being able ( as I was saying ) to discourse . In all these times , I neuer durst beginne to pray , without a Booke in my hand , vnlesse it were instantly , vpon my hauing Communicated ; and as hartily was my soule afrayd to be in Prayer , without a Booke , as if I had been to fight , with a multitude of people ; but by this remedie , of a good Booke , which was as a Cōpanie of Guard , or as a Buckler , vpon which , the blowes of manie thoughts , were to be receaued , I went on , with comfort . For , that drynes vvas not ordinarie vvith me , though I had it alwaies , vvhensoeuer I had no Booke in my hand ; but then , my soule was instantly in disorder ; and my thoughts vvandred , vp , and downe . But vvith reading , I beganne to recollect them , and carried my hart chearfully , and delightfully on ; yea , and , manie times , in the verie opening my Booke , I found myself need no more . Sometimes also , I read little ; and sometimes , much ; according to the fauour , which our Lord vvas pleased to doe me , more , or lesse . And it seems to me , that if , in those beginnings , whereof I speake , I might haue had Bookes , and meanes to continue in solitude , there would haue been no danger , which could haue been able , to depriue me , of so great a good , And I am also apt to thinke , that , by the fauour of Almightie God , it would haue proued so , if I had had a Directour , or some person , who might haue counselled me , to auoide occasions , in those beginnings , and to make me forsake them quickly , if I had been entred into them ; yea , and , though the Diuel should then , haue set openly , vpon me , I thinke , that I would neuer haue been brought , to offend God grieuously againe ; but he vvas so very craftie , and I so wretched , that all these resolutions of mine , did me little good ; but the time , vvhich I spent in Gods seruice , did me very much , towards the bearing those terrible sicknesses , which I endured , vvith so great patience as his Diuine Maiestie vouchsafed to bestow vpon me . I haue often considered the great goodnes of Almightie God , euen with amazement ; and my soule had been regaled , to see the magnificence of his mercie towards me . Let him be blessed for all things . For I haue seen , in most euident manner , that he hath not left anie one good desire of mine , without recompense , euen in this life ; and how imperfect , and full of fault soeuer , my vvorkes vvere , yet this Lord of mine , vvent bettering , and perfecting them , and giuing them vvorth ; and my sinnes , and miseries , he vvould instantly hide ; Yea his Diuine Maiestie hath permitted , that euen the eyes of such , as saw them , should be blinded , and their memories faile , vvhen they vvould remember them . He euen guilds our faults , and makes that vertue shine bright , vvhich he , the same Lord , conueyes into me ; and vvherein , he offers me euen a kind of violence , that I may receaue it . But I vvill now , returne to speake of those things , vvhich they haue commanded me to declare : And I say , that , if I be to set forth , after a particular manner , in vvhat sort our Lord proceeded vvith me , in these beginnings , I shall need another manner of vnderstanding , then mine owne , to performe all that , vvith aduantage , for vvhich , I am obliged to him , in this particular ; and to publish mine owne ingratitude , and vvickednes , since he hath forgotten it all . Let him be blessed for euer , vvho hath endured so much , at my hands ; Amen . THE FIFTH CHAPTER . She prosecutes the relation of the great infirmities , vvhich she had ; and of the patience , vvhich our Lord gaue her , in them ; and , hovv benefits are dravvne , out of mischiefs ; as vvil be seen , by a certaine particular , vvhich hapened to her , in the place , vvhither she vvent , to be cured . I Forgot to relate , how , in the yeare of my Nouitiate , I suffered much disquiet , about some things , which , in themselues , were of little importance ; but I found my self , to be blamed manie times , vvithout my hauing made anie fault ; and this , I tooke vvith trouble , and imperfection enough ; though yet , I endured it all , through the contentment , which I had , to be a Religious woeman . When they obserued me , to loue Solitude so vvell , and saw me shed teares sometimes , ( which yet indeed , vvas for my sinnes ) they thought , yea , and , they sayd , that it grew , but from some inward melancholie , and disgust . For my part , I had a good inclination , to all the obseruances of a Religious life , saue only , that I knew not , how to endure anie thing , vvhich might carrie , so much , as an apparance of contempt , vvith it ; for I delighted in being esteemed . I vvas curious , about vvhatsoeuer , I tooke in hand ; and I vvould needs thinke this , to be vertue in me , thongh yet , this will neuer serue me , for a discharge , because I knevv vvell enough , hovv to procure all those things , vvhich might giue me gust ; and so , ignorance vvill not free mee from blame . It vvas a defect in this Monasterie , that it had not been founded , in much perfection ; and I , ( as being vvicked enough ) vvent roundly on , to that , vvherein I savv there vvas imperfection ; but layd no hold at all , vpon the rest , vvhich vvas good . There vvas a Religious vvoeman , at that time , and in that place , sick , of a very grieuous infirmitie , vvhich put her to extreame paine ; for she had certaine Vlcers in her bodie , vvhich grew from great obstructions ; and thereby , did she discharge , vvhatsoeuer she tooke . She dyed quickly , of that disease ; and vvhereas I found , that all the rest of our Communitie , had great apprehension , and feare , of the like ; for my part , I had much enuie at her patience ; and I begged of Almightie God , that , in case I might be fauoured by him , vvith that vertue , he vvould send me vvhat sicknesses he should thinke fitt ; and I thought , I feared no disease in the vvorld ; for I vvas so bent , and set vpon the gaining of eternall Happines , that I resolued to compasse it , hovv deare soeuer , it might cost . Nor yet , am I vvithout vvonder , euen at this ; for euen thē , I did not thinke , that I had vvrought my self , into the loue of Almightie God , as , aftervvards , I conceaued my self , to haue it , vpon my beginning , to frequent the vse of Prayer . But only I vvas growne , to haue a certaine light , vvhich shevved me , hovv all things , vvhich come to an end , deserue little esteeme ; and hovv those Blessings , vvhich , being eternall , may be obtained , are of mightie value . His Diuine Maiestie , did also heare me , in this ; for , before tvvo yeares vvere expired , I grevv to be , in such condition , that , howsoeuer my disease vvere not of that other sort , yet , I belieue , that one , vvhich I had , for three yeares togeather , vvas , not a whitt of lesse trouble , and torment to me , then that other vvas to her ; as I shall now relate . The time being come , vvhich I vvas expecting , in that place , where I declared my self to remaine , with my Sister , for my better Cure , they carried mee , vvith care enough , from the regalos of my Father , of my Sister , and of that Religious woemā , my friend , vvho , formerly , vvas come away , vvith me ; and , indeed , she loued me very much . And now heer , did the Diuel beginne , to discompose my soule ; though yet , Almightie God , drew much good from thence . There vvas a certaine Churchman residing in that place ( to vvhich , I vvent , for cure ) of very good qualitie , and vnderstanding ; and he vvas also , not vnlearned . Now I beganne to Confesse my self vvith him ; for I vvas euer , a friend of learning ; but yet , it did my soule much hurt , to meet vvith Ghostlie Fathers , vvho vvere but indifferent in that kind ; because they vvanted , what Ineeded . And therefore , as for me , I haue found by experience , that , vvhen Ghostlie Fathers , are vertuous men , and of holie cōuersation , it is better , that they haue no learning at all , then but a little . Because , neither such as haue none , are vvont to trust themselues , vvithout asking the opinion of more learned men , then they are ; neither should I also , trust them ; and , for my part , I vvas neuer deceaued , by anie solid learned man ; yea , and euen those others also , vvould certainly , I thinke , not haue deceaued me , but only , perhaps , they erred , because they knew no better . Now , I thought , it vvas sufficient , and that I vvas bound to nothing , but to belieue them , when that , vvhich they taught me , vvas according to the more large opinion , and of more libertie ; for , if they had been more restrained , I am so vvicked , that I should haue gone to others . But that , vvhich vvas a Veniall sinne , they told me , vvas no sinne at all ; and that , vvhich vvas a most grieuous Mortall sinne , they said vvas but Veniall . This did me so much hurt , that it must not goe for a strange thing , to heare me speake of it heer , for the better aduertisment of others , vvhome I vvould very faine saue , from so great a mischief . For I see vvell , that in the presence of God , this vvas no discharge of me , from fault ; for it ought to haue been enough for me , that the things , vvere of themselues , not good , to make me preserue my self , vvholy , from them . I belieue , Almighty God permitted , for my sinnes , that both they should be deceaued , and deceaue me ; as I , also , deceaued manie others , by telling them , that verie thing , vvhich I had been told . I continued , I thinke , in this blindnes , more then seauenteen yeares , till a Father of S. Dominicks Order , a great learned man , vnbeguiled me , in some things ; and they , of the Societie of IESVS , did so vvholy terrifye me , by agrauating those ill begiunings , of mine ; as I vvil shortly declare . But now , I confessing my self , to that other Ecclesiasticall person , of vvhome I vvas speaking before , he grew to affect me , in extreame manner ; because then , indeed , I had little to Confesse , in comparison of vvhat occurred afterwards ; nay , I had not very much , from the time of my entring into Religion . The affection of this man , vvas not ill ; but yet , by the excesse theror , it grew to be , not good . He vvell vnderstood already , that I vvould not resolue , vpon anie tearmes , to doe anie thing , vvhich vvas grieuously offensiue to Almightie God ; and he also assured me of as much , concerning himselfe ; and so , our conuersation grew to be frequent . But , in those times of conference , which vve had , I vvas so fully possessed , and euen swallowed-vp , by the thoughts of Almightie God , that the greatest gust I had , was to be speaking of him ; and I , being then , so very young , it put him to a kinde of confusion , to see it ; and through the great affection , which he bore me , he beganne to discouer his owne miserie to me , which was not small ; for they were then , almost seauen yeares , that he had been in a very dangerous state , by his affection , and conuersation , with a certaine woeman of the same towne ; when yet , he sayd Masse , all the while . Now , this was so publick a thing , that he had , already , lost his honour , and fame ; and yet no bodie , aduentured to speake against it : Neither did I , thinke fitt to doe it , though I were much troubled , to see , in what case he was ; because I loued him much . For I had this part of follie , and blindnes , that euen heer , I thought it fitt , to be gratefull , and to keep faire quarter , with one , whome I loued . But cursed be that quarter , and way of proceeding , which extends it self , so farre , as to be against the law of God. This is a very madd kind of errour , which is vsed now , so much , in the world ; and it puts me ; almost , out of my witts , to see , that wee should owe , all that goodnes , which men doe vs , to the goodnes of God ; & yet , that wee shoud esteeme it , for a vertue , not to breake this friendship with men , though it should offer to carrie vs away , against him . O strange blindnes of the world ! O , that thou wouldst be pleased , to let me be , the most vngratefull creature , that liues , towards the sayd whole world , so that yet , I were not vngratefull , to the least haires breadth , against thee . But , alas , I haue proceeded very contrarily , to this course , whereof I speake , in punishment , of my other sinnes . I procured , in the meane time , to informe myself , concerning this man , by meanes of the domesticks of his house ; and so I came , to vnderstand more , of his miserie ; but yet , I found withall , that the poore soule was not altogether so extreamly faultie , as men thought ; because , that wretched woman , had bewitched him , by a certaine little Idoll of copper , which she had prayed him to weare about his neck , for loue of her ; and no bodie had been of power enough , to make him leaue it . For my part , I confesse , I cannot belieue the busines of such witchcrafts , as this , in anie expresse , and determinate manner ; but yet , I vvil relate , vvhat I saw , for the better aduising men , to take heed of all vvoemen , vvho proceed in such sort , as this ; And , to the end , that men may belieue , that , vvhen vvoemen come to loose the shame of God , and the vvorld ( for they are , euen more obliged , to be honest , and chast , then men ) there is no trust at all , to be reposed in them ; for , so that they may haue their vvills , and that the loue , vvhich the Diuel plants in them , may not be crossed , they neuer care , vvhat they doe . But as for me , though I had been very vvicked , yet I neuer fell into anie thing of this nature ; nor euer pretended to doe ill ; no , nor , if I should haue been able , would I euer yet haue forced anie bodie , to affect me . Our Lord kept me alwaies from this ; whereas , if euer he had left me to my self , I should certainly , haue donne as ill , in this kind , as in other ; for , in me , there was no trust to be had . But now , when I came to vnderstand this storie , I beganne to shew him more affection . My intention , indeed , was good heerin , but yet my action , faultie ; for , I should not haue committed the least ill , for the obtaining of the greatest good , that could be thought . I discoursed to him , very ordinarily , of Almightie God , vvhich , perhaps , might doe him some good ; though yet , I am more apt to thinke , that the great affection , vvhich he bore me , vvas the thing , which wrought more vehemently vpon him ; for , to doe me a very great pleasure , he gaue me his little Idol , vvhich I instantly caused , to be cast into the riuer . After this , he beganne quickly ( like some man , vvho had been awaked , out of a profound sleep ) to goe recouering , and remembring all that , vvhich he had donne , in those past yeares , and to be amazed at himself ; and so , bewailing his miserie , he came , by those degrees , to abhorre it . Our B. Ladie , vvithout all question , assisted him much ; for he vvas very particularly deuoted to her Immaculate Conception ; and his custome euer vvas , to celebrate that Festiuitie , vvith great ioy . In fine , he vtterly gaue ouer , so much as once , to see that vvoman anie more ; and could neuer satisfye himself , vvith thanking Almightie God very much , for the light , vvhich he vouchsafed to giue him . And so , iust vpon that day twelue-moneth , vvhen I had knowne him first , he dyed . But , already , he vvas growne , to serue Almighty God , in very serious manner ; and , though I neuer could perceaue , that the great affection , vvhich he bore me , vvas ill , yet it might haue been more pure ; and so also , there vvas no vvant of occasions , vvherein , if the presence , and assistance of God , had not been close at hand , his Diuine Maiestie might haue been much offended . But , whatsoeuer I might then , haue conceaued to be Mortall sinne , I vvould , certainly , not haue committed it ; and euen his seeing that disposition in me , might , perhaps , make him loue me the better . For , all men , I belieue , are more the friends of those vvoemen , vvhome they see inclined to Vertue ; yea , and euen , for those other things , to which they pretended , such vvomen gaine more , vpon such men ; as I shall declare afterward . But I hold it for very certaine , that his soule is in the vvay of saluation ; for he dyed very vvell ; and being grovvne so free from that occasion , it seemes , our Lord vvas pleased , that he should be saued , by this meanes . I remained in that place , three moneths , vvith extreame affliction ; for , the Cure vvas , by much , too hard , for my complexion ; and so , at the end of two moneths of those three , the roughnes of those remedies , did euen , as it were , make an end of my verie life ; and withall , the rigour of my hartssicknesse , of which I went to be cured , was growne to be much more fierce ; in such sort , that , now and then , it seemed to me , as if my verie hart , had been peirced , and penetrated , with sharp teeth ; so that they were afrayd , I would runne mad . By this great losse , and want of strength , ( for I was able , to take no food at all , except it were liquid , and that , suddainly ) I had a continuall burning Feauer , and I was totally consumed ; for they had daily giuen me a Purge , for almost a whole moneth togeather ; and indeed , I was euen so burnt vp , that my sinnewes beganne , all , to shrinke ; and this , with so insupportable torments , that I could not take anie rest , either by day , or night ; and all this while , I was also oppressed , with a most profound sadnes of minde . With such a kinde of gaine , in point of health , as this , my Father brought me back to his house , where the Phisitians came to visit me againe ; and they all , gaue me vtterly ouer ; for they sayd , that , besides all the rest , I was setled in a Hectick Feauer . But this troubled me , very little ; for that , which afflicted me , was the sharp , and bitter paine , which neuer gaue me ouer , bur vexed me , euen all alike , from head to foot . For , the torment of the sinnewes , is a kinde of intollerable thing , as the Doctours affirme ; and especially , when they all shrinke vp , as mine did ; and certainly , if I had not lost the merit of it , through mine owne fault , the torment was strong enough , to haue intitled me to it . I continued not , aboue three moneths , in this rage of paine ; but it seemed , euen a kinde of impossible thing for mee , to endure such a heape of afflictions , all , together . And now , I am euen amazed at my self , and I hold it for a great fauour of our Lord , to consider the patience , which his Diuine Maiestie was pleased to giue me ; for it was euident , that it came from him . It assisted me also much , towards the hauing this patience , that I had read the historie of Iob , in the Moralls of S. Gregorie ; and our Lord seemes to haue preuented me so , by that meanes ; as also with hauing begunne , so to vse Prayer , as that I might be able to carrie my paine , with much conformitie , to his holie will. The conuersation of my hart , was wholy with him ; and I carried these words of Iob , very vsually , both in my thought , and in my mouth : Since vve haue receaued blessings , and benefits , at the hand of our Lord ; vvhy should vve not also , suffer afflictions ? And I conceaued , that this , holpe to giue me courage . At length , came the Feast of our B. Ladie , in August ; for , till then , from the April before , had my torment continued ; though yet it had been greater , in the three last moneths . I then made hast , to goe to Confession ; for , I euer tooke much contentment , to Confesse often . My friends thought , that it was feare of death , which inuited me , to be so deuout ; and so , to the end , that I might not be put into apprehension , my Father would not let mee Confesse . O inordinate , and irregular loue , of flesh , and bloud ; since , though I had so Catholick a Father , and so full of prudence , and consideration , in all his actions , which euen abounded in him , ( for , this could not be an effect of ignorance ) yet he might haue donne me hurt enough , by this meanes . That night , I fell into such a Trance , as continued to keepe me , neer foure dayes , without the vse , almost , of anie of my senses ; and shortly , they came to giue me the Sacrament of Extreame Vnction ; and euerie hower , or rather euerie moment , it was expected , when I should expire , they being as diligent in saying the Creede a in my hearing , as if I had vnderstood them ; yea sometimes they held me for so certainly to be dead , that afterwards , I found the drops , of the holie b Wax-candles , about mine eyes . The affliction of my Father , was great , for his not hauing permitted me to goe to Confession . Manie outcryes , and manie prayers , were made to Almightie God , for me ; and blessed be he , who was pleased to heare them ; for , the Graue remaining open , in the Church of my Monasterie , a day and a half , where my bodie was expected , to be interred ; and my Funerall , hauing been already celebrated , by the Religious men of our Order , in another towne , where it was conceaued , that I was dead , our Lord was yet pleased at length , that I should teturne to my self ; and so instantly . I would needs goe to confession . I receaued also the B. Sacrament , with manie teares ; though yet , in my opinion , they were not shed , with that sense , and grief , for only my hauing offended Almightie God ; which might haue serued , to saue my soule , if the errour , into which I was brought , by them , who had told me , that they were not matters of mortall sinne , ( which afterward I saw plainly , that they were ) might not serue my turne . For , the torments , wherewith I remained , were intollerable ; and my vnderstanding not very sharpe , but rather dull ; though yet ( as I conceaued ) my Confession were entire , of all things , whereby I might thinke , that I had offended God. For , this mercie , did his Diuine Maiestie vouchsafe to allow me , amongst others , that , after I had once begunne to receaue the B. Sacrament , I neuer omitted to Confesse anie thing , which I conceaued to be a sinne , though it were but Veniall ; Though yet still , me thinkes , that , without doubt , my soule might haue runne hazard , not to be saued , if I had dyed then ; in regard , that , on the one side , my Ghostlie Fathers had been so meanly learned ; and , on the other side , and indeed , on manie sides , in regard , that , in my self , I was so wicked . But this is alwaies a most certaine truth , that , when I returne to a thought of this passage , and consider , how it seemes , as if our Lord had raised me againe , from death to life , I am filled with so huge an amazement , that I remaine , euen as it were , all quaking , within my self . And now , me thinkes , it were well , O my soule , that thou wouldst gather this iust resolution , from that great danger , out of which , it pleased our Lord , to deliuer thee ; that , although thou wouldst not fly from offending his Diuine Maiestie , for Loue , yet , at least , thou shouldst forbeare to doe it , for Feare . For he might haue taken thy life from thee , a thousand times , when thou wert in a more dangerous state ; and I thinke , that I should not say too much , if I did speake of a thousand times more ; though he , perhaps , may chide me , who commanded me to vse moderation , in the recitall of my sinnes ; and yet I doubt , that I haue painted them out , too fauourably , and faire . But I begg of him , for the loue of our Lord , that he will not once thinke , of making me diminish my faults ; because the magnificence of Almightie God , is to be discerned thereby , and how much he is pleased to suffer , and endure , from a soule . Let him be Blessed for euer ; and let it also please his Diuine Maiestie , that he may rather consume me quite , then that I should euer leaue to loue him more . THE SIXT CHAPTER . She treates , of hovv much she ovved our B. Lord , for his giuing her , Conformitie , to his holie vvill , in so great afflictions ; And hovv she tooke the glorious S. Ioseph , for her Intercessour ; and hovv aduantagious , that Deuotion proued to be . I Remained , during those foure dayes of Agonie , or Trance , in such state , that only our B. Lord is able to know , the vnsufferable torments , which I felt in my self . My toung was deeply bitten by me , in manie places . My throat , with hauing taken nothing , and by reason also of my very great weaknes , could not swallow , so much as a drop of water , without choaking . Me thought , I was totally disioynted ; and my head , in extreame disorder . I was also , as it were , all rowled vp , and contracted , as if I had been a Bottome of Packthridd ; for , in this , did the torments of those dayes fixe themselues , without my being able , once to stirr , either hand , or foot ; arme , or head ; ( vnlesse they moued me ) anie more , then as if I had been dead . Only , I thinke , I was able to wagg one single fingar of my right hand . Now , for anie bodie to touch me , in anie kinde , there was no meanes at all ; for , my whole person , was so affected , and afflicted , as that there was no enduring , to haue it touched . In a sheet , they would be remouing me , now , and then , according to the occasion , with one , at one end therof , & another , at the other ; and this lasted , till Easter . Only this I had , by way of ease , that , if I were not approached , and touched , these torments would be ceasing , manie times ; and then , vpon the account of my being in lesse paine , I was content , to affirme my self to be well . But indeed I was much afrayd , least my patience should beginne to faile me ; and therfore , I was not a little pleased , to find my self , without those sharpe , and continuall torments ; though yet I had them , after an vnsupportable manner ; togeather with a very great detestation of food , whilst I had those fierce colds , ( which , indeed , were extreamly fierce ) of a double Quartane , which I was also , then , growne to haue . About this time , I made so very great hast , to returne to the Monasterie , that I got my self to be carried away , as I was . And they receaued her , whome they expected for dead , with a soule , which was yet in the bodie ; but the bodie it self , worse then dead , through the paine they saw , it endured . The great , extremitie of my weaknes , cannot be related ; for I had nothing left , but my skin , and bones ; and I must say , that I continued thus , aboue eight moneths ; for I was directly a Cripple , ( though yet I were then , on the mending hand ) vpon the verie point of three yeares . When now , I began to goe vpon all foure , I thanked God , as for a good degree of amendment . But I passed through all these afflictions , with great cōformitie , to the holie will of Almighty God ; yea , and ( vnlesse it were in the verie beginnings ) with much alacritie , and ioy . For I esteemed it all , as nothing , being compared with those paines , and torments , wherein I had been before ; and I was wholy resigned then , to God's holie will , although he should haue left me in that state , for euer . I am of opinion , that all the anxietie of my desire , to recouer , was only , that I might apply my self to Prayer , all alone , as I had been instructed ; but for this , there was no meanes , in the Infirmarie . I Confessed my sinnes very often ; I spake with them , much , of God ; in such sort , as that it edifyed them all ; and indeed , they were amazed to see the patience , which our Lord imparted to me . For , if it had not come , from the hand of his Diuine Maiestie , it seemed a kinde of impossible thing , to endure such a deale of torment , with so much contentment . A point of great moment , that fauour was , which our B. Lord had vouchsafed to doe me , by giuing me Prayer ; for , this , made me come to know , what it was to loue him ; and from that little time , which I spent therein , I found these vertues to be growne vp , fresh in me ; though yet , they were not strong , nor able to hold me vpright , in strict account . I spake not ill of anie Creature , how little soeuer it might be ; but my ordinarie custome , was , to auoide all manner of detraction ; for I , alwaies , had this thought present with me , that I was neuer to wish , nor to say , anie such thing , of anie Creature , as I would not haue them say of me ; and I tooke this , so extreamly to hart , in all such occasions , as might occurr ( though yet , not still , so very perfectly , when sometimes , anie great occasion was offered me , to breake my Rule ) that this was my constant vse ; and I perswaded such , as were wont to be much in my companie , and conuersation , so earnestly to this practise , that it grew , also , vp , with them , into custome . By this meanes , it came to be commonly vnderstood , that wheresoeuer I chanced to be , all absent persons were safe ; and so were they also much more conceaued to be , when anie of my neer friends , or kindred , or others , whome I had instructed , were concerned . Though , in other things , I haue a great account to make to Almightie God , for the ill example , which I gaue them . I beseech his Diuine Maiestie , to forgiue those manie ill things , whereof I haue been cause ; howsoeuer , I was not so , with so wicked intentions , as the actions suceeded ill , afterward . I still remained with great liking , to enioy Solitude ; and I also loued , in particular manner , to discourse , and treat of things , concerning Almighty God ; and if still , I could find , with whome ; that , gaue me more contentment , and euen recreation , then all the politenes , or rather , I thinke , I may say , grossnes , of the conuersation of the world could doe ; and I loued to Confesse , and Communicate oftner , then I had donne ; and to desire it much ; and to be extreamly affected , with reading good Bookes ; and to haue so extraordinarie a sorrow , for hauing offended Almightie God , that manie times , I remember , how I durst not aduenture , to put my self into Prayer ; because I feared that excessiue paine , which I was sure I should feele , in the qualitie of a great punishmēt , for my offences . And this , grew afterward , to such an extremitie , that I know not , to what , in fine , I may well compare this torment . But now , this neuer happened to me , either more or less , for anie feare at all , but only when I remembred those regalo's , which our Lord had been pleased , to vouchsafe me , in my Prayer ; and the verie much , that I owed his Diuine Maiestie , for those high Fauours ; and when I saw , how ill I payd him , for all his goodnes , I was no longer able to endure it . Yea , and I found my self also , extreamly offended with my self , euen for the manie teares , which I shed , for the fault , when I saw the so little amendment , which I made ; whilst , neither my resolutions , nor the paine , and care , wherein I was , not to fall back againe , when once the occasion should be offered , were sufficient to stay me . For then , euen my verie teates , would seem deceiptfull to my verie self ; and my fault would also appeare , so much the fowler , because I saw the great fauour , which our Lord was pleased to doe me , by imparting those teares to mine eyes , and so great repentance to my hart . I procured also to Confesse my self often ; and so , in my opinion , I did what I could , on my part , to restore my self , to the state of grace . But , all my miserie , indeed , consisted , in that I pluckt not the occasions of Sinne , vp , by the root ; and partly also , in those Ghostlie Fathers , who assisted me little ; for if they had once directly declared to me , the danger , wherein I was , from time to time ; and that I was in obligation , not to haue passed my howers , in such conuersations , I am very confidently perswaded , that , all , would haue been quickly redressed ; for I should neuer haue endured , to passe one day , in Mortall sinne , if I had vnderstood the case . All these signes , and hopes , of my endeauouring , to feare , and serue Almightie God , were come to me , by meanes of Prayer ; and the greatest of them all , was , that I walked , as it were , all wrapt vp , in loue ; for , as for the punishment of sinne , it neuer once appeared before me . All the while , that I was so sick , I continued to keep a very close guard , vpon my Conscience ; for as much as might concerne Mortall Sinne. But , O my deare Lord , how vehemently did I desire , to be restored to my health , that I might procure to serue thee , so much the better ; whereas yet , in verie deed , it was the occasion of all my miserie . But now , when I found my self so lame , and euen such a Cripple , and that , whilst I was yet so very young , and how the Phisitians of this world , had dressed me , and to what state , they had brought me , I resolued , that I would apply my self , to those of the other , to the end , that they might cure me ; for I still desired to recouer my health , though yet I endured my sicknes , with great alacritie . And I would be thinking , and considering sometimes , that if , by enioying my health , I might chance be damned , it would be better for me , to remaine still , as sick as I was ; but howsoeuer , I conceiued , that I should be able , to serue Almightie God , much better , if I could enioy my health . Now , this is the abuse , and errour , which deceaues vs , not to resigne ourselues entirely , to the disposition , and good pleasure , of our Lord ; who knowes best , what is fitt for vs. But , in the meane time , I got manie Masses sayd , for this purpose ; and I resorted also , to the vse of other solid , and approued Prayers ; for I was neuer a friend of certaine odd deuotiōs , which are vsed by diuers persons , and especially by woemen ; with some odd Ceremonies , which I could neuer endure , since I vnderstood , that they sauoured of Superstition ; howsoeuer other folkes were moued by them . And so . I tooke , for my Aduocate , and Lord , the Glorious S. Ioseph ; and I recommended my self much , to him ; and I haue seen clearly , that this Father , and Lord of mine , hath drawne me , as well out of this necessitie , as out of other greater ; when there was question of Honour , and Losse of the Soule ; and that , with more benefit , and aduantage , then euen my self could tell , how to desire . Nay , I cannot remember , that hitherto I euer desired anie thing , by his meanes , which he hath failed to obtaine for me ; and it is able , euen to amaze me , when I consider the great Fauours , which Almightie God hath donne me , by meanes of this Blessed Saint ; and the dangers , both of Bodie , and Soule , out of which , he hath deliuered me . In such sort , as that it seemes , our Lord hath giuen the grace , and power , to other Saints , to succour men , in some one kinde of necessitie of theirs ; but I finde , by good experience , that this glorious Saint , succours vs , in them all ; and that our Lord will make vs vnderstand , that as he would be subiect to S. Ioseph , vpon earth , and that ( by enioying the name , of his Father , and by being , as it were , his Directour , and Tutour , ) he might command him : so also he would now , in Heauen , grant , whatsoeuer this Saint should desire . This truth , hath also been seen , by the experience of others , whome I haue desired , to recommend themselues to this Saint ; and now , manie are growne to be deuoted to him ; and my self also , haue fresh experience of this truth . For my part , I procured to celebrate his Festiuitie , with all the solemnitie , I was able to vse ; but yet , with more vanitie , then true spirit ; desiring , that it might be performed , with much curiositie , and exactnes ; though yet still , with good intention . But I euer had this , of ill ; That if our Lord enabled me , at anie time , to doe anie thing , which was good , it would be full of imperfections , and faults ; whereas , towards the doing anie thing amiss , and for the exercising of curiositie , and vanitie , I vsed much diligence , and dexteritie , and cunning ; our Lord pardon me for it . And now , I would faine perswade all the world , to be deuoted to this glorious Saint , for the great experience , which I haue had , of the blessings , that he obtaines for vs , of Almightie God ; nay , I haue neuer knowne anie one , who is seriously deuoted to him , and performes him particular seruices , whome I finde not also , to goe proceeding on , in vertue ; for really , he assists those soules much , which recommend themselues to him . And to my best remembrance , there are diuers yeares , wherein I haue desired somewhat of him , vpon his Festiuall Day , and I haue euer found it granted ; and if , peraduenture , my petition had some little of the indirect , belonging to it , he redressed it , and set it streight , for my greater good . If I were anie such person , as had authoritie to write , I would gladly enlarge my self heer , to make particular relation , of the Fauours , which this glorious Saint hath obtained , both for me , and others ; but , to the end , that I may doe no more , then I am commanded , I must be shorter , in manie things , then I would ; and more large in others , then is needfull ; like one , in fine , who hath little discretion , for the doing of anie thing , which is good . Only I begg , for the loue of Almightie God , that , whosoeuer can belieue me , will try the truth , of what I say ; for he shall find by experience , how greatly a good thing it is , to recommend himself , to this glorious Patriarch , and to be deuoted to him . Especially such , as giue themselues to Prayer , should alwaies be affectionate to this Saint ; for I know not , how , one can thinke of the Queen of the Angells , at those times , when she suffered so much , during the Infancie of our Lord Iesus ; and not giue thankes to S. Ioseph , for the great assistance , which he gaue them , at that time . Whosoeuer wants a Maister , who might instruct him to pray , let him take this glorious Saint , for his guide ; and he shall neuer loose his way . I beseech our Lord , that I may haue committed no errour , in presuming to speake of this Saint ; for though I thus professe , and publish my self , to be deuoted to him ; yet haue I been euer faultie , in the not doing him reall seruices , and in not imitating his vertues . But now , he did like himself , by procuring , that I might be able , to rise , and walke , and be no longer a Cripple ; and so I did also like my self , in making so ill vse of this fauour . But now , who would euer haue imagined , that I could so soone , fall back againe , after my receiuing so manie regalo's , at the hands of Almightie God ; and after his Diuine Maiestie , had vouchsafed to giue me some Vertues , which ( euen , as it were , of themselues ) did awake , and stirr me vp , to his seruice ; and after I had seen my self , euen , as it were , dead , and in so imminent danger , to be condemned to Hell ; and after he had raised me againe , both in Bodie , and Soule , in such sort , that all they , who saw me , were euen amazed to finde , that I could , so long , be aliue . But , what is this , O my Lord , and my God ? Is this life to be still , so dangerous which we are to liue ? Euen now , whilst I am writing this , me thinkes , that , by this fauour , and mercie , I might be able to say with S. Paul , ( though yet , not with such perfection , as he sayd it ) that now , It is not I , vvho liue ; but thou , O my Creatour , vvho liuest in me ; according to the experience ; which I haue had some yeares , by that little , which I am able to vnderstand of my self ; and still thou holdest , and keepest thy hand ouer me ; and I find my self , full of desires , and good purposes ; and , in some sort , I haue proued also ( euen by experience of manie things , in these late yeares ) that I would , by no meanes , doe anie thing , which should contradict , or cross thy will , how little soeuer it might be ; though yet , I well belieue , that I committ manie offences , against thy Diuine Maiestie , euen without my vnderstanding it . And it also seemes to me , that there could not , so hard a thing be set before me , which I would not execute , for loue of thee , with great resolution ; and sometimes , thou hast so assisted me therein , as that such things haue taken effect ; and , for my part , I care not , a whitt , for the whole world ; no , nor for anie creature , which is in it ; nor can I find , that anie thing at all , giues me gust , which swarues from thee ; and euerie thing , which is not thou , seemes no less , then a very heauie crosse to my hart . Yet I may easily deceaue my self heerin ; and so , I thinke , I doe ; for , I doubt , that I possesse not all this , whereof I speake ; but yet thou seest well , O my Lord ( forasmuch as I am able to vnderstand ) that I doe not lye . And I am fearing , and that with very much reason , that , perhaps , thou maist yet , leaue me once againe ; for I am not now to be told , how short a way , mine owne strength , is able to carrie , and conduct me ; and how little vertue I haue , in case thou be not euer , at hand , to allow me thy benedictions , and succours ; to the end , that so , I may neuer forsake thee ; yea , and I beseech thy Diuine Maiestie , that euen now , I be not already forsaken by thee , whilst yet I am thinking thus , of my self . For my part , I know not , how wee can desire to liue , since all things are so vncertaine heer . It seemed to me , O my Lord , to be already euen an impossible thing , that I should , so entirely , forsake thee ; but since I haue forsaken thee so often , I cannot but feare the like againe ; because , when thou hast retired thy self , neuer so little , from me , all fell instantly downe to the ground . Blessed be thou for euer , O Lord ; for , howsoeuer I forsooke thee , thou wouldst not yet , so entirely , forsake me ; but that still , thou gauest me thy hand , that so I might be able , to rise againe ; though manie times , O Lord , I would not take hold by it ; nor would I vnderstand , how thou vouchsafedst to call me againe , very often ; as I will now declare . THE SEAVENTH CHAPTER . She shovves , by vvhat degrees , and meanes , she vvent loosing the fauour , vvhich our Lord had donne her ; and hovv ill , she beganne to liue . And she also declares the harme there is , in not maintaining Clausure , in the Monasteries of Religious vvomen . I Beganne , from one pastime , to another ; from one vanitie , to another ; and from one occasion , to another , to cast my self deeply , into very great occasions ; and to carrie my soule so disordered , vpon manie absurdities , that already , I grew euen ashamed , to approach towards God , with so particular a kind of friendship , and familiaritie , as frequent Prayer requires ; and I was forwarded in that ill way , by this , That as my sinnes grew to be encreasing , the gust , which I had taken , and the regalo , which I had receaued , from the exercise of vertue , beganne to faile me . I perceaued very clearly , O my Lord , that these good things are wanting to me now , because I had first beē wanting to thee . But yet , this was , in the meane time , the most terrible cosening kind of wrong , which the Diuel could possibly put vpon me , when he made me beginne , to feare , to make Prayer ; because , forsooth , I saw my self so destroyed ; and , me thought , it was better for me , to proceed , as the multitude did , since I was amongst the worst of them , who are wicked ; and to pray , but as much , as I was bound ; and that , but vocally ; and that a person , who deserued to be with the Diuel , was not to vse Mentall Prayer , and to hold so streight commerce , with Almightie God ; and that , if I did , I should but seeke , to deceaue the world ; because exteriourly , I made shew of vertue . Yet , in the meane time , vpon this reason , the House , wherein I liued , did deserue no blame , at all ; because I procured , with so much cunning , and craft , all that while , that they should haue me , in good opinion . Neither did I all this , of set purpose , by counterfeyting a better Soule , then I had ; for , touching this point of Hypocrisie , and Vaine-glorie , I humbly thanke Almightie God , that I remember not my self , to haue offended him therein , for ought I can perceaue ; for , vpon the verie first approach of motion , to committ that kind of sinne , I euer receaued , and felt , so much trouble , that the Diuel was wōt to goe away with losse , and I remained with gaine ; and therefore , he would neuer tempt me much , in this kind ; though yet perhaps , if God had permitted him to endeauour it , as strongly in this , as he did in some other things , I should also haue falne into this sinne . But his Diuine Maiestie hath been pleased hitherto , to preserue me heerin ; for which , let him be eternally praised . Nay , rather it troubled me much , that they should hold me , in good opinion , considering , what I knew , in priuate , of my self . The true reason , of their belieuing me , not to be so wicked , proceeded from this , That they saw me , being so young , to retire my self , manie times , and vpon seuerall occasions , to Solitude ; and to pray , and read much ; and talke of God ; That I loued to make the picture of our Blessed Sauiour , be set vp , in manie places ; and to haue an Oratorie ; and to procure , to put such things there , as might cause deuotion ; and not to speake ill , of anie ; and other things also of this nature , which carried a kind of apparance of vertue , with them ; and I knew well enough ( so vaine I was ) how to winne esteem , for my self , by those things , which the world is wont to prize . Vpon these obseruations of theirs , they allowed me as much , yea and more , libertie , then to the more antient Religious woemen of the House ; and they were confident of me , in all things ; for , as for my taking liberties to my self , or to doe anie thing at all , without leaue , yea , or to speake with anie bodie , in corners , or holes , or by night , me thinkes , I could neuer haue resolued my self , euen so much , as to talke of anie such thing , as this , in a Monasterie ; neither did I euer so ; because our Lord held me vp , in his hand . For it seemed to me , ( who reflected much , and with much attention , vpon manie things ) that , to put the honour of so manie Religious woemen , in hazard , whilst they were good , because I was wicked , had been a very vnworthie part in me ; as yet perhaps I should haue done , by makeing strangers thinke , that they vsed also , to doe the like . But why doe I speake of my auoyding to doe ill things , as if any thing which I did , had been well donne ? Though yet , the truth be withall , that the euill which I did , was not performed by me , with so much reflection , and aduertence , as this , would haue required ; though yet it were , with too much . For this reason , I am of opinion , that it brought me hurt enough , that I was in a Monasterie , not enclosed . Which they , who were good , might well enioy , without any disaduantage to their goodnes ; because they owed no more , since they did not promise Clausure ; but as for me , who am wicked , it would certainly haue carried me downe to Hell ; vnlesse our Lord had drawne me , out of this danger , by very manie remedies , and meanes , and most particular fauours . And so , me thinkes , a Monasterie of woemen , with libertie , exposes them , to very great hazard ; and rather appeares in mine eye , as a way , whereby they , who haue a minde to be wicked , may walke on , towards Hell , then as a remedie for their weaknes . I meane not this , by my Monasterie ; for therein , are so manie , who serue our Lord , so much in earnest , and with so great perfection , that his Diuine Maiestie , through his goodnes , cannot faile , of doing them fauour . Neither is this Monasterie also , of the most open , and dis-enclosed ; and besides , all good Religious Order , is obserued in it ; but I speake , what I was speaking , of others , which I know , and haue seen . I say therefore , that those others , giue me cause , to haue great compassion of them ; for they haue need of particular motions , and calls , from our Lord ; and not once , but very often ; that so , they may be saued ; considering , how much the honours , and recreations of the world , are now growne to be authorized ; and how little , such , as they are , vnderstād the verie much , to which they are obliged . So that I beseech God , they hold not that , sometimes , for vertue , which is sinne ; as my self did often ; yea , and there is so great difficultie , in making this , be well vnderstood , that there is need of no lesse , then that our Blessed Lord himself , should seriously , put his hand to the worke . If Fathers would take my counsel ( since they will not procure , to put their Daughters , where they may walke in the way of saluation , but rather be in more danger , then they should , perhaps , haue mett with , in the world ) I would aduise them , at least , to consider their owne honour ; and rather to marrie them very meanly , then to put them into such Monasteries , as those , vnlesse they be very vertuously inclined ; yea , and I pray God , that euen this , may serue the turne . Yea , or els , let them rather continue them , in their owne houses ; for if they will needs be wicked , it cannot be there , kept priuate , but for a very short time ; but heer , it may be long concealed , though yet , in the end , our Lord is euer wont , to discouer it ; and then , they doe not only hurt themselues , but also the rest ; and sometimes , those poore Creatures haue the lesse fault , because they doe but that , which they find in vse . But still , it is matter of much compassion , to see manie , who haue really a minde , to forsake all , and conceaue , that they goe to serue our Lord , and to flye from the dangers of this world , doe yet , by this meanes , grow , to embarke themselues , in ten worlds , all , togeather ; where they know not , what to doe , or how to helpe themselues . For , youth , and sensualitie , and , in fine , the Diuel , both inuites them , and inclines them , to follow somethings , which doe altogeather belong to a world ; and so , in effect , they come to hold them good . Me thinkes , in this , they are like those miserable , and wretched men , the Hereticks ; who first make themselues blind , and then giue themselues to vnderstand , that those opinions , which they follow , are good , and so they come to belieue them , to be true ; though yet , indeed , and vpon the matter , they belieue them not ; for , in their harts , there is somewhat , which tells them still , that it is naught . O great miserie ! I say , O extreame great miserie of Religious persons ; ( and I speake not heer of women now , more then of men ) where Religious Obseruance , is not kept ; and where , in one , and the self same Monasterie , two wayes are held : One of Vertue , and Religious Life ; and another , which is vtterly in want therof ; and where they all , goe , as it were , equally , hand in hand . Or rather , I sayd ill , when I sayd , equally ; for it vses to happen so , for our Sinnes , that the more imperfect , make vp the greater number ; and so , as they vse to be more , they vse to be also more fauoured . And true Religious Obseruance is wont to be so rare , in those places , that as well that Religious man , as that Religious woeman , who shall haue a minde , to giue themselues wholy , and in good earnest , to follow their Vocation , and Rule , will haue cause , to be in more feare of the rest of the Religious of their owne House , then of all the Diuels in Hell. Yea , and they will need to vse more caution , and dissimulation , in speaking of that entercourse , and friendship , which such persons should procure to hold , with Almightie God , then of other inclinations , and friendships , which the Diuel findes meanes , sometimes , to bring into Monasteries . I can therefore meet with no reason , why we should be amazed , to see so manie miseries in the Church , since they , who ought to be Patterns for others , ( that so , all men might grow to be vertuous , by their example ) haue totally blotted out , that Worke , which the Spirit of the Saints , in old time , left registred in our Religious Orders . And I humbly beseech his Diuine Maiestie , that he will be pleased , to giue such remedie , to these mischiefs , as he knowes best , to be needfull ; Amen . But , in the meane time , when I beganne to vse such conuersations as these , I little thought , that so great distractions , and other dammages , would grow to my Soule , by that kind of proceeding , when I saw , they were so much vsed by others ; and I conceaued , that so generall a thing , as it is , for Secular people , to make Visits to the Religious , in manie Monasteries , would be of no greater preiudice to me , then it was to others , whome I saw , to be vertuous , and good . But I considered not , the while , that those others , were much more vertuous , then my self ; and that those things , which were of much danger to me , were not , perhaps , of so very much , to them ; though yet , I feare , it be of some ; and , at the best hand , I am sure enough , that it is no better , then time very ill employed , and spent . And , being once with a certaine person , our Lord was pleased to giue me to vnderstand , in the verie beginning of my acquaintance with her , that such friendships would be , no way , conuenient for me ; and to giue me also aduise , and light , in so great a darknes , as that was . For , Christ our Lord represented himself before me , with much rigour , and gaue me well to vnderstand , how greatly he was disgusted at my proceeding . I saw him only , with the eyes of my Soule ; but yet , much more distinctly , and more clearly , then I could possibly haue donne , with the eyes of my Bodie ; and he remained so deeply imprinted there , that although it hapned to me , aboue six and twentie yeares agoe , me thinkes , he is still as present to me now , as he was then ; But I am sure , I remained so altered , yea and so astonished , that I intended to see that person no more . It did me a great deale of hurt , that I knew not , at that time , that it was possible for one to see anie thing , but with the eyes of the Bodie ; and the Diuel was carefull enough , to continue me , in that erroneous opinion , and to make me still belieue , that it was impossible ; and therefore , that I had but fancied certaine things , to my self ; and that , perhaps , it might be a worke of the Diuel . And he brought manie suggestions , like this , vpon me ; though yet still , I were very confidently of opinion , that it was God , and no conceipt , or fancie , at all ; but yet still , because it induced me to doe things , which were against my gust , I did the best I could , euen to belye my verie self . And forasmuch , as I durst not conferr with anie bodie , about this particular , and found my self also extreamly importuned afterward , and was wished to be assured , that it could not be ill donne , to see such a person as that , and that there would be no loss of honour by it , but rather gaine , I returned to enioy the same conuersation ; yea , and also , at other times , I conuersed , in like manner , with others ; for they were manie yeares , wherein I tooke this pestilentiall recreation ; and when once , I was farre embarked therein , it seemed not to me , to be so very ill , as yet , indeed , it was ; though still , it be very true , that sometimes I discerned clearly enough , that it was not good . But yet , no other conuersation distracted me so much , as this , in particular , did ; by reason of the great affection , which I bore to the partie . But , my selfe being afterwards againe , with the same person , we , both of vs , saw coming towards vs ( and there were others also present , who saw it too ) a certaine thing , which had the manner of a great Toade ; and it pressed , and passed on , with very much more speed , then such creatures vse to haue . For my part , I was not able to conceaue , how such a filthie Beast as that , should get into that roome , through that part , from whence it came ; and euen , as it were , at Noone day ; nor had euer anie such thing , been seen there . The effect , which it wrought with me , seemes , not to haue been void , of some mysterie ; and this also , was a thing , which I could neuer forget . But , O greatnes of Almightie God! with how much care , & pittie , wert thou admonishing me , in so manie kindes , and by so manie wayes ; & how little did I permitt , that all these warnings should help ? There was also there , at that time , a certaine Religious woeman of my kindred ; and she was antient , and a great seruant of God , and of much discipline in her Religious Order . She also , would sometimes , be giuing me good counsel ; but I did not only not belieue her , but was also disgusted with her ; as conceauing , that she would needs take scandall at me , without cause . And this I heer relate , to the end , that both my wickednes , and the great goodnes of Almightie God , may be the better vnderstood ; and that it may be knowne , how well I deserued Hell , for my great ingratitude ; and I doe it also , to this end , that if our Lord may so ordaine , & be pleased , that anie Religious vvoemen may fall vpon reading this Discourse , they may be brought to be carefull , to take vvarning by me ; and I begg of them , that , for the loue of our Lord , they vvil take heed of such recreations , as these . And I beseech his Diuine Maiestie , that some one of them , may be dis-abused , vvhome I haue deceaued , vvhen I told them , that it vvas not ill ; and vvhen ( being in such blindnes , at that time ) I procured , to assure them , that there vvas no danger at all ; and in regard also , that , by the ill example , vvhich I gaue gaue them , ( as I haue related heer ) I was a cause to them , of great mischief , vvhilst yet I thought not , that I did so much hurt ; and though also , it be certaine , that I had no designe at all , to deceaue them . But now , euen vvhilst I vvas yet much indisposed , in the vvay of health , both concerning Bodie , and Minde ; and so , before I vvas able to help my self , in either kinde , I grew into an extreame desire , to doe others good ; vvhich is a very ordinarie temptation , for new beginners ; though yet , it hapned now to succeed vvell , vvith me . And considering , how dearly I loued my Father , I vvished him the self same benefit , vvich I conceaued my self to haue gotten , and gained , by meanes of Mentall Prayer ; and esteeming , that , in this life , there vvas no greater blessing , then to obtaine , and enioy that guift , I beganne , by certaine vvayes of discourse , to procure , the best I could , that he vvould endeauour to obtaine it ; and I gaue him certaine Bookes , for this purpose . Now , he , being a man of so much vertue , as I haue already declared , grew to settle himself , so very well , in this exercise , that he came , vvithin fiue or six yeares , ( for so long , I thinke , it vvas ) to be so vvell improued , and aduanced therein , that I blessed our Lord much , for the fauour ; and it gaue me an extreame consolation . The troubles , and crosses , vvhich he endured , vvere very great , and of manie kindes ; and he passed through them all , vvith much conformitie , to the vvill of our Lord. He came to see me often ; and vvas greatly comforted , to treat of Spirituall things . And vvhen now I liued so distracted , and diffused , vvithout vsing Mentall Prayer , and saw vvithall , that he conceaued me , to be still the verie same , that I had been before , I vvas not able to endure , to liue , vvithout vn-deceauing him ; for I had , then , been a yeare , and more , vvithout Mental Prayer , as thinking it more humilitie for me , to abstaine ; and this ( as I shall declare afterwards ) vvas the greatest , and vvorst temptation , that euer I had ; for , by this meanes , Iranne headlong , vpon my totall ruine ; vvhereas , vvhen I frequented Prayer , if I offended God , one day , I returned to recollect my self , vpon another ; and so , to absent my self from the occasion . But that blessed man , my Father , coming to see me , in such state as this , it vvas too much for me ( as I vvas saying ) to let him vvalke on , so farre in errour , as to thinke , that I still conuersed vvith God , in Prayer , as formerly I had donne ; and so I told him then , that I did no longer vse Mentall Prayer ; though yet , I did not tell him , the cause thereof ; but I alleadged my infirmities , for the reason ; and that , although I vvere recouered of the mayne sicknes , I had yet diseases , yea and very great ones , still ; and that , although , of late , they had not assaulted me , vvith so very great fiercenes , as before , yet they failed not , still to continue , and to exercise me also , in manie kindes . In particular , that I had certaine vomits , for twētie yeares togeather , euerie morning , in such sort , as that I could neuer breake my fast , till Noone , vvas past ; yea and sometimes , not so soone . And since , of late , I am growne able to receaue the B. Sacrament more often , it proceeds from this , that these vomits come to me , at night , before I goe to bed , and they put me to much more paine ; and then , I must procure to hasten , and facilitate them , by the vse of feathers , and such other things ; because , if I haue not those vomits , the sicknes , vvhich I feele , is extreame . But indeed , I am , me thinkes , almost neuer , without manie kindes of paine ; and sometimes , they are very sharp ones ; and especially , at my verie hart ; though yet withall , it be also true , that the cruel Palsie , and other infirmityes of Feauers , which were wont to come very thick vpon me , are now found , to oppress me more seldome ; so that manie times , I am well , in those respects ; and I haue made so little account of these miseries , for these eight yeares togeather , that sometimes I am euen glad , I haue them ; as conceauing , that our Lord may be , peraduenture , serued , in some sort , thereby . This was my discourse . And now , my Father belieued , that this , which I told him heer , was , indeed , the true cause of my omission , for , himself neuer vsed to lye ; and considering , in what sort , and , of what matter , I was then discoursing to him , he had no reason to thinke , but that I sayd true ; and , to the end , that he might belieue me the better , I told him also then , that I well saw my self , not to be without some fault ; and that I had enough to doe , to be able to assist in the Quire ; though yet , in verie deed , euen this reason of corporall sicknes , was no sufficient cause , to make me giue anie good thing ouer ; for , there is no need of corporall strength , for such things as these , but only of loue , and custome ; since our Lord , affords vs alwaies opportunitie , if we will , ourselues . I say , alwaies ; because , though infirmities , and other occasions , my hinder one sometimes , from spending manie howers in Solitude , yet there will not want some other time , wherein we may haue health enough , for this busines ; yea and euen in other occasions , as also in the midst of sicknes it self , the truest Prayer may be made ( since it is the Soule , which loues ) by offering vp that paine , to Almightie God ; and in remembring , for whome it is endured ; and in conforming ones self , to God's holie will , therein ; and in a thousand such other things , as will occurr . And thus may one exercise Loue ; for , there is no necessitie at all , for a person , either to be in Solitude , or els , that there must be no Mentall Prayer , at all . If we will take a little care , we may arriue to obtaine great blessings , at those times , when our Lord , euen takes time for Prayer from vs , by meanes of our sicknesses , and paine ; and my self had found this to be true , as long as my Conscience was pure , and good . But my Father , through the opinion , which he held of me , and the loue he bore me , belieued all , that I had sayd ; or rather , he not only belieued , but had also pittie of me ; though yet , being then growne , to find himself , in so eminent , and high a state of Spirituall Life , he remained not with me , very long . And therefore , hauing visited me , he returned home , as holding his stay , there , to be losse of time ; and I , who was willing to spend it vpon other vanities , was not troubled very much , at his departure . It was not only with him , but with other persons also , whome I procured , that they should addict themselues to Mentall Prayer , euen whilst I was walking on , in those vanities ; for still , as I found them apt , to vse Vocall Prayer , I told them how they should grow to haue the vse of Meditation ; and I did them good , and gaue them Bookes ; for I had still a good desire , that others should serue Almightie God , euen from the verie first time , that I vsed Mentall Prayer ; as I haue related heer . It seemed to me , that , since now I serued not our Lord my self , so well as I should , yet I liked not , that that light should be lost , which his Diuine Maiestie had bestowed vpon me ; but that others might also serue him , by my meanes . And this I heer recount , that so , the great blindnes wherein I was , may be the better seen ; which induced me , to make me loose my self , whilst yet I went procuring , to doe good to others . About this time , my Father fell into the sicknes , whereof he dyed , shortly after . But I went to attend , and recouer him , whilst my self was more sick in Soule , then he was in Bodie , through manie vanities of mine ; though yet , not in such sort , as that , according to my vnderstanding , I was in Mortall Sinne , euen in all this worst , & wickedest time , whereof I speake ; for certainly , if I had conceaued otherwise , I should , by no meanes , haue continued therin . I endured some affliction , and trouble , in his sicknes ; and , I thinke , I also made him some part of poore amends , for the paines , which he had taken with me , in mine ; for now , being ill enough in my self , I yet strained very hard , to doe him seruice ; and besides , I well considered , that by the onlie losse of him , all my comfort , and regalo , was to be lost ; for it all , was shut vp , in onlie him . I animated my self also , so much , towards the not shewing him , that I was in anie paine , and in continuing so , euen till he expired , as if I had felt no trouble at all ; though yet it be very true , that , when I saw him come , to be vpon the verie point , to loose his life , it seemed to me , as if mine owne verie Soule , had then been torne out of my Bodie ; for I loued him much . It was a thing to make our Lord be highly praised , to see the death , which my Father dyed ; togeather with the desire , which he also had to dye ; and the counsel , which he gaue vs , after he had receaued extreame Vnction ; and how he charged vs , to recommend him to God ; and that we should begg mercie of him , for his Soule ; and that we must serue him euer ; and consider , that all this world , must come to end . With teares he also told vs , how sad he was at the hart , for not hauing serued his Diuine Maiestie better ; That he wished , he were some Religious man ; I meane , that he had been so ; and that , of the most strict , who were in the world . And I hold it , for very certaine , that some fifteen dayes before , our Lord gaue him to vnderstand , that he was not to liue ; because , before that verie time , he did not thinke he was sick , though yet he were so , in good earnest . But afterwards , though he seemed to mend much , in point of health , and though the Doctours bad him belieue , that there was no danger at all , yet he made no account of that , but only attēded , to put his Soule , in good order . That sicknes of his , beganne with a very grieuous paine , round about his shoulders , which neuer left him ; and sometimes it pressed him so hard , that his affliction was very great . I told him once , vpon this occasion , that since he had been so deuoted to that Mysterie , when our Lord carried his Crosse vpon his Back , he might doe well , to conceaue , that his Diuine Maiestie had been pleased to giue him a feeling , of some part of that , which himself had vndergone , with so much trouble ; and my Father was so comforted by this thought , that I remember him not , to haue euer complained more . He remained three dayes , with very little shew of vnderstanding ; but yet , the day , whereon he dyed , our Lord restored it to him ; & that , so entirely , as we were all , euen amazed to see it ; and he continued in it , saying the Creed ; and as soone , as he had passed through the first part thereof , he expired . When he was dead , he looked euen like an Angell ; and as such ( in manner of speach ) he euer seemed , in my sight , to be , both in Soule , and disposition or humour ; which he had , extreamly good . Nor doe I know , why I haue spoken thus much of him , vnlesse it be to confesse , and accuse mine owne wickednes , so much the more ; since , vpon the sight of such a death , and the knowledge of such a life , I ought to haue amended , and reformed mine , if it had been but to grow the liker to such a Father . His Confessarius , who was a Dominican , and a great learned man , affirmed , that he made no doubt , but that my Father would goe streight to Heauen ; for he , who had Confessed him diuers yeares , spake much of the great puritie of his Conscience . This Dominican Father , being a very worthie man , and a true seruant of God , did me a great deale of good ; for I Confessed my self to him ; and he vndertooke the profit of my Soule , with care ; and to make me well vnderstand the way of perdition , wherein I was walking . He caused me also to Communicate euerie fifteen dayes ; and beginning first to treate with him , by little and little , I spoke with him afterward , at length , about my Prayer ; and he told me , that I must not faile to vse it ; and that it could not , by anie meanes , but doe me good . I beganne , therefore , to vse it againe ; and from that time forward , I neuer left it ; though yet I did not , for the present , giue-ouer the occasions , of my imperfections . I therefore , in the meane time , passed a most sad life ; for , in Prayer , I came to vnderstand my faults . On the one side , I was called by Almightie God ; and on the other , I followed the world . All those things , which belonged to God , gaue me great contentment ; but those things , which were of the World , tyed me vp , in chaines ; and , it seemes , I had a minde , to make these two contraryes , friends , which yet are so much in enmitie , with one another ; namely , a Spirituall life , on the one side ; and sensuall pastimes , contentments , and delights , on the other . In my Prayer , I endured much trouble , because now , my Spirit was growne to be no longer , a Lord , but a Slaue ; and therefore I was not able to shut my self vp , in my hart ( which was the onlie way of proceeding , I formerly had held , in my vse of Prayer ) without shutting vp , a thousand vanities , togeather with my self . I passed so manie yeares in this manner , that now I am astonished to consider , that anie person should be able to endure , the not leauing , either the one , or the other , in so long a time . I well know , that now , it was no longer , in my hand , to giue ouer Mentall Prayer ; for he held me now in his , who resolued to doe me greater fauours . O that I could declare the occasions of doing ill , which God remoued from me , in those yeares ; and how I put my self againe , into them ; and of the danger , wherein I was , to loose all the opinion , and reputation , which I had in the world , from which he freed me ; and of the hast , which I made , to discouer , by my actions , what kinde of Creature I was ; and the hast , which our Lord made also , to couer these faults , and to discouer some little vertue of mine , if there were anie ; and to make the same seem great , in the eyes of all men ; in such sort , as that they euer held me , in much account . For , though sometimes , my vanities would shine through my actions , yet they seeing other things in me , which appeared good , would not belieue the ill . But the true cause heerof , was , that the knower of all things saw , that this was fitt , to be so ordained ; to the end , that , when afterward I should come , to perswade the world , to doe him seruice , they might giue me some little credit , therin . And that Soueraigne Bountie of God , did not so much consider my great sinnes , as it did those desires , which I had sometimes , to serue him ; and the great trouble I felt in my self , for wanting power , and strength , to put the same in execution . But , O thou Lord of my Soule ! and how shall I euer be able to expresse , with fulnes , and clearnes enough , the fauours , which thou shewedst me , in those yeares ? and how , in that verie time , when I was offending thee most , thou madest such hast to dispose my Soule , to a most profound remorse , and sorrow ; that so I might come to tast of thy regalo's , and great fauours againe ? The truth is , O my King , that thou didst vse the most curious , and choice kinde of sharp punishment , which could possibly ( to my thinking ) be found for me ; as one , who didst well vnderstand , what was likelie to cost me , the dearest of all other things ; for thou didst punish those sinnes of mine , with great regalo's . And I thinke , it is no impertinencie , which I vtter ; though yet it were a kind of reason , that I should now , euen as it were , loose my witts , whilst I renew the memorie of my ingratitude , and malice , towards thee . But really , it vvas so much a more painefull , and insupportable kinde of thing , for me to receaue such fauours , vpon the verie neck of my hauing falne into so great offences , then it would haue been , to endure grieuous punishments ; that some one of those sayd fauours , so receaued , seemes clearly , and very certainly , to haue euen ouer-wrought , and defeated , and confounded me more , then all my infirmities , and torments , and other afflictions , put togeather , vvere euer able to doe . For , as for these latter afflictions , I found , that I deserued them vvell ; and I thought they might goe , in part , by vvay of satisfaction , for my sinnes ; though yet , euen in that kinde of account , I know , that my sufferances vvere few , for my offences ; vvhich vvere so manie , and so very great . But now , to see my self receauing so freshly , so high fauours , vvhilst yet the vvhile , I made so ill retribution , for those , vvhich I had receaued before , is , in my account , a kinde of most terrible torment ; and I thinke , it vvill be esteemed so , by all such , as haue anie knowledge , or loue of God ; and vve may easily finde this to be true , euen by the naturall condition of persons , vvho are vertuously inclined . And hence flowed downe my teares , togeather vvith an indignation , to consider , vvhat I found in my self ; for I saw , that still I vvas , as vpon the pitch of returning to fall againe , although my firme purposes , and desires , did then ( I meane , so long as those fauours lasted ) stand fast , and firme . A great incōuenience it is , for a Soule , to find her self solitarie , and single , amongst so manie dangers ; and me thinkes , that if I had anie Creature , to whome I might haue imparted all this , it would haue holp me , not to fall againe ; at least , for shame of the world , if I would not be ashamed , to offend God. I would therefore * aduise them , who make Mentall Prayer , and especially at the beginning thereof , to procure some friendship , and familiaritie , with others , who haue the same designe ; for , this is of much importance , though it should be for no more , then to be assisted by the prayers of one another ; and how much more , when there is such aduantage to be gotten also , otherwise . And , for my part , I cannot tell , why , since by meanes of conuersations , and humane inclinations ( euen although they be not excellently good ) men procure to get some friends , by whose meanes they may vnwearie themselues , and may find an encrease of contentment , by recounting their vaine pleasures to one another , it should be so much , as permitted , that such as beginne to loue , and serue Almightie God , in good earnest , should forbeare to impart , both their delights , and their afflictions , to some fitt persons ; since such as vse Prayer , are acquainted with both . For , if that Creature be in earnest , who desires to hold friēdship , with his Diuine Maiestie , there needs to be no feare of Vaine-Glorie ; and when that Soule should be set vpon , by anie first motion therof , he would easily get out of it , with merit . And , as for me , I belieue , that he , who should communicate therof , with others , to this intention , would both profit himself , and those , that heare him ; and would pr●●e , to be better taught , both in his owne vnderstanding part , and in knowing also , how to instruct his friends . He , who should be subiect to Vaine-Glorie , for speaking vpon such an occasion as this , would also not faile to haue it , by being seen to heare Masse , with deuotion ; and by doing other things also , to which he is yet expresly bound , vpon the paine of being , otherwise , no good Christian . And yet these things , must not be forborne , vpon the feare of a man's being subiect to Vaine-Glorie . Now , this is a point of so extreame importance , for the benefit of all such Soules , as are not yet strengthned , and established in Vertue ( who want not , both so manie Aduersaries , yea and friends also , to incite them to ill ) that I know not , how to expresse it , with earnestnes , and aduantage enough . And , to me it seemes , as if the Diuel loued to vse this deuise , as a thing , which imports him very much ; Namely , that men should hide themselues as carefully , from such , as can vnderstand them , & who would procure , to make them loue , and giue gust to God ; as he hath earnestly incited others , to discouer their intemperate desires . Which latter course , is yet so much taken , and followed , that it passes for a kinde of gallanterie , to talke of it ; and so , vpon the matter , they publish the offences , which they committ against Almightie God , by this meanes . I know not , whether they be impertinencies , which I vtter ; if they be , your Reuerence may be pleased , to teare them ; and if they be not , I beseech you , Sir , assist , and instruct my simplicitie , by adding much to them , vpon this subiect . For , the busines of the Seruice of Almightie God , goes now so weakly on , that they , who procure to serue him , had need support , and succour one another ; that so , they may be able to get forward ; so very much are the vanities , and foolish entertainments of the world , growne , to be in fashion ; and in such sort ; that there are few eyes in the world , to discerne their fault . But if anie bodie , on the other side , doe but beginne , to giue himself to Almightie God , there are so manie , who will murmure at him , that he shall finde himself to haue need enough , to get companie , which may appeare , in his defence ; till such time , as he be confirmed , in not being troubled , for what he is put to suffer ; which if he chance not to be , he may , perhaps , grow to see himself , in some straights . And , perhaps , this may haue been the reason , why some Saints haue vsed , to retire themselues into Deserts . But , as it is a kinde of humilitie , not to put anie confidence , in a man's self ; so yet , is it no sinne against pietie , to belieue , that God will not faile , to help him to liue amongst them , with whome he is obliged , to conuerse . But thus , Charitie , by being communicated , will grow to be encreased ; and there are a thousand other benefits , which belong to this way of proceeding ; where of I should not aduenture to speake , if I had not great experience of the much importance heer of . True it is , that I am both the most weake , and the most wicked , of as manie Creatures , as were euer borne ; but yet still , I am apt to thinke , that , whosoeuer will humble himself , though he be strong , and will yet , not belieue so much of himself , but , in this , will giue belief to another , who is endued with experience , shall neuer loose anie thing , by the bargaine . Of my self , I am able to say thus much , that if our Lord had not discouered this truth to me , and had not also giuen me meanes , to treate , in very vsuall manner , with such persons , as had the knowledge , and practise of Mentall Prayer , I had still walked on , with falling and rising , till I had euen dropped downe headlong into Hell. For , I wanted not manie friends , who would not faile , to help me to fall ; but towards the recouering , and raising me vp , I found my self so absolutly alone , that now I am no lesse then amazed , to consider , how I remained not still , laid flatt ; and I praise the mercie of Almightie God ; for it was he , and only he , who gaue me his helping hand . Let him be blessed , and praised , for euer , and for euer , Amen . THE EIGHTH CHAPTER . She treats of the great good , it did her , tovvards the not loosing her Soule , not to haue vvholy giuen-ouer her Prayer ; As also , vvhat an excellent remedie that is , tovvards the gaining of vvhatsoeuer good thing , vvhich is lost . She persvvades all Creatures to vse it ; and declares the great benefits therof ; and although vve should aftervvard leaue it , yet , that still , it vvould proue a great good , to haue vsed so great a help for some time . I Haue not , without cause , been considering , and reflecting vpon this life of mine , so long . For , I am able to discerne well enough , that no bodie will haue gust , to looke vpon a thing , so very wicked ; And really , I would be glad , that all such persons as should reade this Discourse , might abhorre me ; to see a Soule , so pertinacious , and so vngratefull , towards him , who had vouchsafed it so great Fauours . And I wish , I could get leaue , to declare that multitude of times , that I failed of my obligation to Almightie God , in this number of yeares ; by reason , that I was not applyed to , and supported by , the strong pillar of Prayer . I passed through this tempestuous Sea , almost twentie yeares , between these fallings , and risings ( though I rose il-fauourdly enough , since I returned againe so quickly to fall ) in this kind of life , tending towards perfection ; but yet in so base a way , as that I made no account at all , of Veniall Sinnes ; and for such as were Mortall , it is true , that , although I feared them , yet I did not euen that , as I ought , since I absented not my self from the danger therof ; but I will be bold to say , that it is one of the most painefull kindes of life , that can possibly be imagined . For , I neither enioyed the sweetnes of God , nor yet the satisfaction of the world . When I found my self in the contentments of the world , the remembrance of what I owed to God , gaue me paine ; and whilst I was conuersing with his Diuine Maiestie , the inclinations , & affections of the world , gaue me disquiet . And this is a kinde of warre so very painefull , that I know not , how it was possible for me , to finde meanes , to endure it , for one moneth ; and much more , how I could doe it , for so manie yeares ; notwithstanding that I yet clearly see , the great mercie , which Almightie God shewed me heerin ( since I was to treat of manie things , in the world ) that still I should haue the courage , to giue my self to Prayer . I say , courage ; for , as for me , I see not , what one thing there is , of so manie , as are to be found in the whole world , wherein there is need of a greater , then to treat of committing Treasons , against a King , and to know , that he knowes it well , and yet , neuer to goe out of his presence . For , howsoeuer it be very true , that we are alwaies in the presence of Almightie God ; yet me thinkes , that they , who conuerse with him , in Prayer , are in his presence , after a more particular manner ; for they are seeing then , that he sees them ; whereas others may perhaps , remaine some dayes in his presence , and yet without remembring , that he lookes vpon them . True it is , that within that time , there were , I beleiue , manie moneths , and sometimes , peraduenture , a whole yeare , that I kept my self from offending our Lord , and gaue my self much , to Mentall Prayer ; and I also vsed some , yea and manie diligences , that I might neuer grow more , to offend him . And because all that , which I write now , is to be deliuered , with entirenes of truth , I declare my self heer , as you see . But I remember little , of those good dayes ; and therefore it may be thought , they were few , and the ill ones , manie ; yet few of those few , passed away , without my allowing a good long time for Prayer , vnlesse I were either very sick , or extreamly busie . The worse I was in my health , the more I was vnited with God ; and I procured , that such persons , as vsed to be with me , at those times , might be so too ; and I begged it of our Lord ; and we spake very often , of him . And so , vnless it were that one yeare of which I haue spokē , in eight and twentie yeares , which haue passed , since I beganne first to vse Mentall Prayer , I haue endured this battaile , and strife , of treating , both with God , and the World , more then eighteen yeares . In those other yeares , whereof I am yet to speake , the cause of the warre was changed , though of it self , it was no inconsiderable thing ; but , in regard that I was then , as I conceaue , in the seruice of Almightie God , and in a knowledge of the vanitie of whatsoeuer this world can be , it did all , proue delightfull , and pleasant ; as I will shew heerafter . Now , the reason , why I haue related all this , is ; First , ( as I was saying before ) to the end , that the mercie of Almightie God , togeather with my ingratitude , may be well discerned ; And Secondly , that it may be also vnderstood , how great a blessing Almightie God doth to that Soule , which he disposes to vse Mentall Prayer , with a good affection , and will ; though yet it should not be so very well disposed for it , as were fitt ; for , in fine , if he perseuer therein , what Sinne soeuer he committ , and whatsoeuer Temptation be offered , and whatsoeuer Falls be giuē him , in a thousand strāge fashions , by the Diuel * , I hold , in fine , for certaine , that our Lord will draw him , at length , out of the Storme , into the Port of Saluation ; as now , by all apparance , he hath drawne me ; and I humbly beseech his Diuine Maiestie , that I may neuer returne againe , to be lost . Manie holie , and good men , haue written of the benefit , which he obtaines , who exercises himself in Prayer ; I meane , Mental Prayer ; and glorie be to Almightie God , for being the cause thereof ; and yet , if that were not true , though I haue little humilitie , yet am I not withall , so insolent , as that I would presume to speake vpon this subiect . But of that , whereof I haue some experience , I may vet presume to say somewhat ; and it is this ; That , whosoeuer hath begunne to frequent the vse of Prayer , I wish him , not to giue it ouer , whatsoeuer sinnes he committ in the meane time ; since this is the meanes , by which he may recouer himself againe ; which he will find to be of much more difficultie , without it . And let not the Diuel tempt him to leaue it , as he did me , vpon a pretence of humilitie ; but let him firmly belieue , that his words can neuer want truth , who sayd , That , if we will repent our selues in good earnest , and resolue to offend the Diuine Maiestie no more , he restores vs to the same friendship , which we had before , with him ; and doth vs the same fauours , vvhich he did vs before ; and sometimes , they proue to be much greater , if the repentance deserue it . And , vvhosoeuer hath not yet begunne this exercise , I beseech him , for the loue of our Lord , that he vvill no longer depriue himself , of so great a benefit . There is nothing , to be feared heer ; but much , to be desired . For , though a man should not proceed so farr , as to striue to gaine such perfection , as may prepare , and , as it vvere , deserue those gusts , and regalo's , vvhich God is vvont to giue to such persons ; yet the least , vvhich he shall get , vvill be , that he shall be going on , in the vvay to Heauen . And I know so much , of the mercie of Almightie God , that I may conclude for certaine enough , that no bodie euer tooke him for a friend , whome he did not well requite , for his paines . For , Mentall Prayer , is no other thing , in my opinion , then a Treatie , about making Friendship with Almightie God ; and a frequēt , and priuate Commerce , hand to hand , with him ; by whome , we know , we are beloued . And , as for you , if you loue him not yet , ( for , to the end , that it may be a true loue , and that your friendship may last , the conditions must be reciprocall ; and we know , there can be no want on our Lord's behalf ; and that our nature , is vitious , sensuall , and vngratefull ; and so , we cannot , perhaps , obtaine fully , at our owne hands , to loue him so much , because he is not of the same condition , with vs ) yet considering , how much it imports vs to hold friendship with him , and how much he loues vs , we must passe on , and passe ouer this paine , of being much in his companie , who is of so different a condition , from ours . O infinite goodnes of my God! how true it is , that , me thinkes , I see , both thee , and my self , in this verie manner ? O thou , who art the verie Regalo of the Angels in Heauen ! how faine would I euen defeat , and dissolue my self totally , in louing thee , when I see , and consider , these things ? And how certaine a thing it is , that thou art on the suffering hand , in regard of such , as will not suffer thee , to remaine with them ? O how good a friend , dost thou make thy self , to thy friend , O my Lord ; and how dost thou goe enduring him , and regaling him ? And thou expectest , till he make himself grow to be of thy condition , and inclination ; and , in the meane time , thou endurest , and permittest him to continue , to be a while , of his owne ; and thou takest , O my deare Lord , by way of good payment , those fitts of time , which he can be content , to bestow vpon thee ; and vpon a minute of true sorrow , and repentance , thou forgettest all those sinnes , whereby he hath offended thee . All this , haue I perceaued clearly , in order to my self ; and , for my part , I cannot see , O my Creatour , how the whole world , can forbeare , to procure to draw neer to thy Diuine Maiestie ; that so it may be able , to obtaine this particular kind of friendship with thee . Such as are wicked , and are not , hitherto , come to haue the like inclinations , and dispositions to thine , should yet come towards thee ; to the end , that so thou mightst make them good ; and that they might endure thee , to be with them , though it were but for some two howers , in the day ; yea , euen though they would not , the while , stay in thy companie , without a thousand distractions , and tumblings , vp , and downe , in wordlie cares , and thoughts ; as I was wont to doe . And , for recompence of this violence , which they vse to make against themselues , by continuing in so good companie as thine , ( for neither in those verie beginnings , no , nor euen afterwards also , for a while , can they tell , how to doe better ) thou forcest , O Lord , the Diuels of Hell , to forbeare a setting fiercely vpon them ; and permittest them , to haue daily , lesse power , then other , against them ; yea , and thou puttest them into mens hands , that they may ouercome them . So that thou , O thou Life of all liues , dost neuer kill anie one of those Creatures , who puts his confidence in thee ; nor of them , who desire thee , for a Freind ; but thou sustainest both the life of their Bodies , with encrease of health ; and thou also dost impart it , to the Soule . For my part , I cannot possibly vnderstand , why men should feare , as they doe , to beginne to vse Mentall Prayer ; nor of what it is , in fine , that they are afrayd . The Diuel , indeed , doth not ill , in order to his owne wicked ends , to procure to doe me hurt , if , by pretence , and meanes , of I know not what feares , he can procure , to make me forbeare a considering , how much , and how highly , I haue offended Almightie God ; and how much , I am obliged to him , for his great mercies , and benefits ; and to thinke vpon this truth , that there is such a thing , as glorie in Heauen ; and torments , in Hell ; and vpon those great afflictions , and sorrowes , which our Lord endured for me , in this life . For , this was still my Prayer , when I was continuing in all those dangers ; and vpon this , did I thinke , whensoeuer I was able . And , very often , yea and for some yeares togeather , I was busier , about desiring , that the Hower might come quickly to an end , still listning when the Clock would strike ; then vpon better things . Yea , and it hapned to me , manie times , that I knew not , what Pennance could be set before me , so very great , as that I would not more willingly vndergoe it , then recollect my self to Mentall Prayer . And it is certaine , that either the Diuel , did set vpon me , with such an vn-resistable force ; or els , mine owne vvicked custome did it , that I might not goe make Mentall Prayer ; and the sadnes of my hart , vvas such , euen vvhen I entred into my Oratorie , for that purpose , that I vvas faine to help , and serue my self , of all the strength , and courage I had , ( vvhich , they say , is not very little ; and it hath been seen , that God hath giuen me more , then is vsually possessed , by vvoemen , but that I haue employed it ill ) to force my self , to make my Prayer ; and , in fine , it pleased our Lord , to assist me . But afterward , vvhen I had vsed these violences to my hart , I found my self vvith more quiet , & delight ; so that , sometimes , I grew to haue an expresse desire , to pray . Now , therefore , since it chanced , that our Lord did suffer , and endure so vvicked a Creature , as my self ; and if it appeare plainly , that all my miseries vvere redressed , by this meanes ; vvhat person , how vvicked soeuer he may be , can find anie thing , to be afrayd of , heer ? For , how wicked soeuer , anie other bodie may haue been , he vvill neuer be so yet , after the enioying of so great Fauours , from our B. Lord , as I had receaued . And , vvho can euer come to dis-confide in his Diuine Maiestie , vvho had patience vvith me , so long , vpon this onlie reason , Because I desired , and procured some meanes , for time , and place , wherein he might be with me ? And euen this little thing , I did often , without anie inclination of mine owne , but only by the great violence , which either I offered to my self , or els was offered to me , by our Lord. Since * therefore , the vse of Mentall Prayer is so fitt ; yea and so very necessarie , euen for such , as serue not God , but offend him ; and since no bodie can truly find anie such hurt , which it can possibly doe , as would not be much greater without Prayer ; at least , how can such forbeare it , as serue Almightie God , and desire to serue him ? Most certainly , vnlesse a man haue a minde , to passe through the troubles , & miseries of this life , with an addition of more miserie , and to shut vp the verie gate against God himself , for feare , least he should giue him comfort , by this meanes , I cannot possibly vnderstand this proceeding of his . I haue , really , great compassion , and sorrow , for those poore Soules , who will needs serue Almightie God , vpon their owne cost ; for , as for them , who vse Mentall Prayer , our Lord himself beares their charges ; since , for the little paines they take , he giues them so much gust , that so , they may the better be able , to endure the taking of that paines in his company . Of these gusts , which our Lord is pleased to giue to such , as perseuer in the exercise of Mentall Prayer , there shall be more discourse heerafter ; and I will not make it heer . Only this , I will be bold to say , that , of all those so great fauours , which it euer pleased our Lord to doe me , the verie Gate , was Prayer ; and if that come once to be shut , I know not , how God shall doe vs fauours . For though he should haue a minde , to enter into a Soule , to regale both it , and himself in it , there is no meanes , by which to doe it ; since he must haue it all to himself ; and it must be cleane , and pure ; and it must also haue a great desire , to receaue fauours . And if our selues , on the other side , bring manie impediments , and take no course to remoue them , how shall we euer thinke , he can come to vs ; and how can we conceaue , that he will help vs ? Now , to the end that his mercie may be seen , and the great benefit , which it was for me , not to haue giuen ouer , my Praying , and Reading , I will heer declare ( since the vnderstanding of it , imports so much ) what batterie , the Diuel raises against a Soule , to gaine it ; and what diligences , and , as it were , art and mercie , is vsed by B. Lord , for procuring to reduce it , to himself ; that so , others may preserue themselues , from those dangers , from which I kept not my self . And , aboue all things , I humbly desire men , for that great loue , wherewith our Lord goes endeauouring to winne vs back againe to himself , that they will keep themselues carefully , out of the * occasions of Sinne ; for , when once we are engaged therein , there is no trust , or confidence to be had , where we are encountred , and assaulted , by so manie enemies , whilst we , the while , are subiect to such weaknes , which disables vs , to make anie defence . I would faine be able heer , to make a draught , and description , of that captiuitie , wherein my Soule was , at those times ; for I well vnderstood my self to be in captiuitie ; and yet I could not tell very well , to what I whas a Slaue ; nor could I entirely belieue , that that which my Confessours thought fitt to aggrauate no more , was so very ill , as yet , I was apt to find it . A certaine person told me , when I went to him once , with a scruple , that , * although I were in state of vsing high Contemplation , yet such occasions , and conuersations , were of no inconuenience to me . This hapned to me , towards the latter end , when I , by the fauour of God , vvent separating my self , more and more , from great dangers ; but yet , I did not vvholy auoid occasions . But now , vvhen they obserued my good desires , and my exercise of Mentall Prayer , they thought , I did great matters ; but as for me , my Soule vnderstood vvell enough , that it vvas not so much , as to performe , what I vvas obliged , for one , to vvhome I owed so much . I haue now , both pittie , and grief , to consider , hovv much my Soule suffered at that time ; and the little help , it gott from anie , but Almightie God ; besides the great facilities , and ouuertures , vvhich they made for me , towards certaine pastimes , and contentments , by making me belieue , that they vvere lavvfull . But novv , the torment also , vvhich I had , by hearing Sermons , vvas not little ; for I had a great affection , to heare them ; in such sort , that , if I savv anie man preach with spirit , & very well , I carried a most particular affection to him ; and that without anie endeauour of mine ; nor doe I know , how I came to haue it . Me thought , no Sermon seemed so ill to me , which I could not gladly heare ; though others would be of opinion , that he preached not well ; but then , if the Sermon were good , it gaue me a very particular satisfaction . To speake of God , or heare him spoken of , did , in effect , neuer wearie me ; I meane , after I had once begunne to vse Mentall Prayer . Yet , on the one side , I was much comforted , with hearing Sermons ; but , on the other side , they tormented me , because I vnderstood thereby , that I was not , by manie degrees , anie such Creature , as I ought to haue been . I humbly begged of our B. Lord , that he would help me ; but I belieue ( by what I can now coniecture ) that I was wanting , in the point of placing all my confidence , in his Diuine Maiestie , and * totally disconfiding in my self . I sought for remedie ; and I vsed manie diligences ; but I vnderstood not , that all is good for nothing , vnless first we stripp our selues entirely , of all confidence in our selues , and lodge it all , vpon Almightie God. I desired , to liue a true life ; for then I vnderstood well enough , that , indeed , I did not liue , but that I fought , with the verie shaddow of death . But there was no bodie , who would giue me life ; and as for me , I was not able to take it ; and he , who was only able to giue it , had no reason , to bring me succour ; since he , hauing drawne me to himself so very often , I had yet forsaken him . THE NINTH CHAPTER . She declares , by vvhat meanes our Lord beganne to avvake her Soule , and giue her light , in so great darknes ; and to strengthen also her Vertues , that so she might offend him , no more . BVt now , my Soule was already growne , to be very wearie ; and yet , the ill habits , which I had made , & the ill customes , which I had vsed , would not permit her , to be vnwearied , and take rest . It hapned to me one day , vpon my going into the Oratorie , that I saw a Picture , vvhich had been brought in , thither , to be kept ; for they had borrowed it , to serue , for a certaine Festiuitie , vvhich vvas to be celebrated in the House , about that time . The Picture vvas of Christ our Lord , full of vvounds , & soares ; and it vvas so deuoutly made , that , vvhen I looked vpon it , it moued me much ; for it represented very vvell , vvhat he had endured for vs. And the sense of the little gratitude to our Lord , vvhich I had conceaued , and expressed , for those vvounds of his , vvas such , that me thought , my verie hart , did euen splitt . And I cast my self earnestly downe , neer the Picture , vvith a great showre of teares , beseeching our Lord humbly , and earnestly , that he vvould strengthen me so farre , once for all ; as that , at length , I might offend him no more . I was besides , very much deuoted , to the glorious S. Marie Magdalen ; and I thought much , and often , of her Conuersion ; and especially , vvhensoeuer I receaued the B. Sacrament . For , knowing , at that time , that our Lord vvas most certainly in my verie bosome , I placed my self at his feet , as conceauing , that my teares vvould not be despised by him . I know not very vvell , vvhat I sayd ; but yet I know , that he , vvho vvas pleased , that I should shed those teares , did shew me fauour enough , for his part ; since I forgot the sense , and tendernes thereof , so soone . And I recommended my self , to that glorious Saint , that she might help me , to obtaine pardon of my Sinnes . But I conceaue , that I profited the more , in that last time , vvhen I prayed before the Picture ; because then , * I vvas growne into very great distrust of my self ; and placed all my confidence , in Almightie God. To my thinking , I told him then , that I vvould * neuer rise from thence , till he granted me , the humble Suite , which I had made ; and I am fully of opinion , that it did me good ; for , I haue gone improuing much , euer since that time . Now I continued to hold this manner of Prayer ; because , not being able to discourse with my Vnderstanding , I procured to represent Christ our Lord , to my minde , as being then , within my verie self ; and Ieuer also found it , to proue better with me , in my opinion , when I conceaued my self , to find him all alone . For , he being alone , and I being so much afflicted , me thought , he was to admitt me , yea , and to assist me too , as a person , who was in necessitie , and miserie . Of this kind of Simplicities , I had manie ; and in particular , I vsed to find my self very well , in the Prayer of the Garden ; yea , and I was in my kingdome , when I might accōpanie him there . I thought also much , vpon that Sweat , togeather with the great affliction , which he sustained then ; and I wished , that I might haue been permitted , to wipe that most painefull Sweat , from his face ; but I remember , how , in fine , I neuer durst resolue , to presume to doe it ; so grieuously , did my Sinnes represent themselues to me . Howsoeuer , I remained there , by him , as long as my thoughts would giue me leaue ; but , the truth is , I had store of such , as tormented me . Most nights , during manie yeares , before I went to rest , and when I was recommending my self to God , ere I slept , I euer thought a little , vpon this passage , of his Prayer in the Garden ; and that , euen before I was a Religious woeman ; for , they told me , that I might gaine manie Indulgences by it ; and , at least , I am of opinion , that my Soule got much , by this meanes ; because thus , I beganne to make Mentall Prayer , euen without expresly knowing , what it was ; and then , it was as vsuall for me , not to omitt this custome , as not to faile of blessing my self , with the Signe of the Crosse , before sleep . But , to returne to what I was saying , of the torment , which my thoughts were wont to giue me . This māner of proceeding , without discourse of the Vnderstāding , hath this in it , That the Soule must both gaine much , and loose much ; I meane , all consideration , and discourse is lost ; for , as for profiting , they profit much , who vse it , since all such Prayer , is Loue. But , to ariue to this point , & pitch , it will cost euerie bodie , a great deale of paines , except such , as our Lord vouchsafes to conduct , in a short time , to Quiet Prayer ; of which kind , I know some ; and for them , who goe by this way , it will be good to haue some Booke , or other , at hand , that so they may recollect themselues quickly . As for me , it did me also good , to looke vpon Fields , or Flowers , or Water ; for , in these things , did I find the memorie of our Creatour , as I also did , in mine owne ingratitude , and Sinnes ; all which particulars , were wont to awake me , and recollect me , and to serue me , in stead of a Booke ; for , as for Heauen , and such high things as that , my Vnderstāding was so dull , that I could neuer ( I say , neuer ) be able to haue , or frame anie imagination , or fancie , concerning them , till our Lord represented them to me , by other meanes . And I had so very little abilitie , to represent things to my minde , by way of the vnderstanding-part , that my Imagination serued me not , to worke vpon anie thing , but only what I saw with mine eyes ; which yet others are able enough to doe , who know , how to forme certaine representations of things to themselues , vpon which they can recollect their thoughts . For my part , I could only thinke vpon Christ our Lord , as man ; but yet it is very true , that how much soeuer I read of his Beautie , or saw his Pictures , yet could I neuer represent him , to my self , but iust so , as one , who were either in the darke , or els stark blind , might be able , at that verie time , to represent anie other person to himself . For , though such an one , may speake with such another , & know , that he is with that person , because he is sure , that the sayd person is there ; yet , in fine , he doth but vnderstand , and belieue him , to be there , for he sees him not ; and in this sort , did it happen to me , when I thought of our Lord. Vpon this reason , was I so great a friend , and fauourer of the vse of Images , or holie Pictures . Miserable Creatures are they , who loose this benefit , through their owne fault . And it appeares also well enough , that they doe not loue our Lord ; for if they loued him , they would be glad , to see his Picture ; as heer it giues vs contentment , so see the pictures of those persons , whome we loue . About this time , they gaue me the Confessions of S. Augustin ; and , it seems , our Lord did so ordaine it ; for , neither did I procure them , nor had I euer seen them . I bare a very great affection , to this Saint , because the Monasterie , where I liued , before I grew to be Religious , was of his Order ; and besides , in regard , that he had been a Sinner ; for I alwaies found particular comfort in those Saints , who , after hauing been Sinners , were conuerted to our Lord ; as conceauing , that I should haue help , by their meanes ; and that our Lord might also be induced to forgiue me , as he had done them . Saue only , that I was discomforted by this consideration , ( as I haue sayd before ) that our Lord called them but once , and they returned not , to fall from him , anie more ; but , as for me , I had falne so often , that it afflicted me , to the verie hart . But yet still , when I considered the loue he bore me , I grew to be encouraged againe ; for I neuer distrusted his mercie , though I doubted of my self , very often . O my deare Lord ! how mightily doth that obstinate stiffnes amaze me , to which my Soule must needs haue been subiect , whilst it receaued so manie helps , at thy hand ; and all in vaine ? And it strikes me with much feare , to consider , how little I was able to winne vpon my self , all that while ; and , how I remained still bound vp , from resoluing to giue my self , vvholy to thee . But , vvhen once I beganne to read the sayd Confessions , me thought , that Case , vvhich had been his , vvas also now , directly mine owne ; and I recommended my self much , to that glorious Saint . But , vvhen I came , aftervvard , to his Conuersion , and read , hovv he heard that Voice in the Garden , it vvas , to my thinking , as if our Lord had made it to be vttered for me ; so quick vvas that sense , vvhich I had therof , in my hart ; and I vvas , for a very great vvhile , euen dissolued , as it vvere , in teares , and felt a great affliction , and vexation . O my deare Lord ; hovvmuch doth a Soule grovv to suffer , and vvhat torments doth it endure , for the loosing of her libertie , vvhilst yet she vvas created , and ordained , to be the Ladie of her self , and to command ? For my part , I am in a wonder , how I could be able to endure so great torments . But blessed be Almightie God , who gaue me life , till I might get out of that so deadly a death . And now , me thought , my Soule was obtaining great strength , at the hands of that Diuine Maiestie ; and that now , he might grow to be pleased , to heare my . Outcryes , and haue compassion of my so manie teares . Vpon this , my affection to spend more time with him , beganne to encrease ; and to take my self also , out of the way of ill occasions ; for , when they once were gone , I began , to loue his Diuine Maiestie againe . At least , I thought , I might conclude my self then , to loue him ; but the truth is , that I vnderstood not , as I ought to haue vnderstood , in what , the true loue of God , did consist ; and ( to the best that I am able to iudge ) I did euen scarce make an end , of disposing my self finally , to resolue to serue him , when his Diuine Maiestie began already , to vouchsafe me new Regalos , and Fauours . And it seemes , that , what others must be glad to endeauour to get , with much labour , our Lord was faine to find meanes , to make me content to accept ; which was , in these latter yeares , to delight , and regale me , in great measure . I neuer presumed to desire , that he would giue me euen so much , as anie tendernes of deuotion ; but I only begd so great mercie , as might winne him to allow me pardon , for my sinnes already committed ; and so much grace , as that I might committ no more . But , I seing , how great they were , durst neuer aduisedly desire anie regalo's , or spirituall delights at his hands ; for , me thought , he shewed me pittie enough , ( and it was really , a very eminent mercie ) to consent , that I should ariue to be in his presence ; considering how well I knew , that , if himself had not procured it , I should neuer haue come . Only once , in my whole life , I remember , that , whilst I was in great drynes of Deuotion , I desired him , to giue me some little spirituall gust ; but as soone , as I reflected , vpon what I had donne , I remained so full of confusion by it , that the onlie vexation I had , to see my self , with so little humilitie , did giue me that verie aduantage , which I had presumed to beg . I was not ignorant , that it might be , no way , an vnlawfull thing , to desire it ; but I conceaued that this was true , for them , vvho vvere vvell disposed to receiue it , by their hauing procured true deuotion , vvith all their power ; vvhich consists , in not offending Almightie God , and in being inclined , and resolued , to doe all that , vvhich vvas good . And mee thought those teares of mine , vvere but faint , and feminine teares , and vvithout anie force , or strength ; since I obtained not that , by them , which I desired ; though yet , vpon the whole matter , I also belieue , that they were vsefull to me , as I haue sayd . For , in particular , after those two seuerall times , of that so great compunction , and trauaile of hart , which I had , I beganne to giue my self more , to Prayer , and to interest my self lesse , in such things , as might doe me hurt ; though yet I did not vtterly giue them ouer ; but God ( as I was saying ) went helping me , to withdraw my self , out of those dangers . For , his Diuine Maiestie did but expect some preparation , or disposition in me , that so , his Spirituall Fauours might grow on , in such sort , as I shall relate ; our Lord being not accustomed to grant them , but to such , as maintaine their Consciences in more puritie , then mine had formerly possessed . THE TENTH CHAPTER . She beginnes to declare the Fauours , vvhich our Lord did her in Prayer ; and speakes of that , vvherein vve may be able to help our selues ; And hovv much it also imports vs , to vnderstand the said Fauours , vvhich our Lord is pleased to doe vs. She humbly desires of him , to vvhome she sends this account of herself , that , vvhatsoeuer she shall declare from hence forvvard , may remaine in secret vvith him , since he had commanded her to set dovvne , in so particular a manner , the Fauours , vvhich our Lord vvas pleased to doe her . I Enioyed sometimes ( as I sayd ) some beginnings , of that , which I shall now declare ; though it vsed to passe away , very quickly . It fell out , in this representation , whereof I spake , when I placed my self , neer Christ our Lord ; yea , and sometimes also , when I would be reading ; that there would come suddainly vpon me , and without either expectation , or anie immediate preparation , on my part , such an euident feeling of the * presence of Almightie God , as that I could , by no meanes , doubt , but that either he was within me , or els I , all ingulfed in him . This was not in the manner of a Vision , but I thinke they call it Mysticall Theologie ; and it suspends the Soule in such sort , that she seems to be wholy out of her self . The Will , is in act of louing ; the Memorie seems to me , to be , in a manner , lost ; the Vnderstanding , in my opinion , * discourses not ; & although , it be not lost ; yet it workes not in that kinde , as I was saying , but remaines , as it were , amazed , to consider , how much it vnderstands ; though yet it pleases God , that it vnderstand it self also , not to vnderstand fully , anie part of that , which his Diuine Maiestie represents to it . Before this time , I had been vsed , to finde a very constant , and continuall tendernes , or sweetnes , which , I thinke , may , in some part , be procured ; and it is a regalo , which is neither wholy sensuall , nor wholy spiritual ; but it is wholy the guift , and blessing of Almightie God ; and it seemes , that we may greatly help , towards the obtaining this , for our selues , by considering our owne basenes , and the ingratitude , which we vse , towards Almightie God ; how much he did for vs ; his Passion , and grieuous Torments ; his whole Life , which was so full , of affliction ; to delight our selues , in considering his Workes , and his Greatnes ; & how much he loues vs ; and manie other such things , as these ; vpon which , whosoeuer shall haue care to profit , will be able to fall manie times ; though yet , he haue iust then , no particular designe that way . And if , togeather with these reflections , the partie fall out , to be possessed , and seazed with anie loue of Almightie God , the Soule will be all regaled ; the hart will be full of tendernes , and relenting ; and teares will also abound ; which sometimes we shall seem to haue gotten , as it were , by force ; and , at other times , our Lord will seeme to haue brought them so vpon vs , as that we were not able , to resist them . Now it seems , that his Diuine Maiestie is pleased to pay vs heer , for the little poore care , we tooke to serue him , with so high a guift , as that comfort is , which he bestowes vpon a Soule , who sees her self able to lament , & weep , for hauing offended so great a Lord. And I wonder not a whitt , at this ; for , me thinkes , she hath reason enough , and to spare , for receauing ioy , and comfort , vpon this occasion . There , doth the Soule reioyce , & there , doth she regale her self . I like that Cōparison well , which offers it self to me now , That these ioyes of Prayer , should be somewhat like those others , which are in Heauen . For , as they see no more there , then God is pleased that they shall see , according to their deserts ; & they acknowledging , how small those deserts are , euerie one of them , is highly well content , with the place , wherein he is ; though yet , there be an excessiue differēce , betweē the ioyes of some , and of others , in Heauen ; yea much more , then there is between some spirituall ioyes , and others , heer on earth ; which yet is very great . And really , a Soule , when God doth her this Fauour , at first , is very apt to thinke , that there remaines no more then , to be desired ; and she esteems her self then , to be abundantly satisfyed , for all the seruice , which euer she was able to pay Almightie God ; and I finde , that she hath , at least , reason enough , to thinke so . For , euen one of those single teares ( which yet we may , after a sort , procure , in some part , euen of our selues ; though still , without the assistance , and fauour of God , we can doe absolutly nothing at all ) cannot be payd for , and purchased , in my opinion , with all the labours , and troubles of the world . For , a Soule gaines much by them ; and indeed , what greater gaine can possibly , anie Creature acquire , then to haue some kinde of testimonie , that she is pleasing to Almightie God. So that , let whosoeuer shall arriue to this * point , praise God very much , and acknowledge himself , to be mightily in his Debt ; for , already there is good apparance , that his Diuine Maiestie designes such a person , for his seruice , in his owne House ; and hath chosen him , for his Kingdome , without intētion , that he shall turne his back from him , anie more . And , let vs not care for certaine odd Humilities , which be in the world , whereof I intend to treat . For , some will needs esteem it to be Humilitie , * not to vnderstand those Guifts , which our Lord is bestowing vpon them . But , as for vs , let vs well , and very well know , how the Case stands with vs ; Namely , that Almightie God bestowes them vpon vs , without anie merit at all , of ours ; and let vs be thankfull to his Diuine Maiestie , for them . For , if we know not , what fauour we receaue , we shall not stirre our selues vp , to loue him for them , as we ought . For it is a most certaine truth , that the better we finde , that we are rich ( knowing first , that of our selues we are poore ) we grow to profit so much the more ; yea and euen our very Humilitie , will proue to be more entire , and sincere . That other course , serues but to accowardize the minde , and to make it hold it self vncapable , of receauing great benefits , if our Lord , beginning once to bestow them , it shall also beginne , to fright it self , by a feare of Vaine-Glorie . But let vs rather belieue , that he , who doth vs so great Fauours , will giue vs also grace , that , if the Diuel tempt vs , vpon these occasions , we shall haue knowledge , how to vnderstand him , and strength from God , how to resist him ; I meane , if we goe on , with plainenes , and sinceritie , as in the sight of Almightie God , pretending euer , to content him only , without respect to men . For , it is a very euident , and certaine truth , that we loue a person the better , when we remember very freshly , what benefits we haue receaued at his hands . And , if it be both lawfull , and meritorious , for vs to be euer keeping in memorie , that we haue our verie Being from Almightie God ; and that he created vs of nothing ; and that he vpholds vs still ; togeather with all those other benefits , of his Passion , and Death , which he endured for euerie one of vs , who are now aliue , long before we were borne ; why should it not be also lawfull for me , who was wont to treat of nothing , but vanities , to vnderstand , and see , and consider these things , often ; especially when now our Lord allowes me so great a blessing , as that I would not willingly , euen so much as speake of anie thing , but of him . And now , behold heer a rich Iewel , which ( remembring , that it is bestowed vpon vs , and that already we are in possession thereof ) inuites , and euen obliges vs , to loue our Blessed Lord ; And this , in fine , is the totall good of that Prayer , which is grounded vpon Humilitie . But what will then occurr , when they shall finde , that other more precious Iewels are come into their power , and possession , which our Lord imparts to some of his seruants ; as namely , a profund contempt , both of the whole world , yea and of themselues ? It is cleare , that , in this case , we must hold our selues , for deeper debtours , and more obliged , to serue him ; and to vnderstand , that , of our selues , we had no part of this Treasure , at all ; and to know the great bountie of our Blessed Lord , who , to a Soule so wicked , and so absolutly without all merit , as mine , ( for which , the first of those Iewels aforesayd , was not only sufficient , but , by much , too great ) would yet needs load mee still , with greater treasures , then I could euen tell , how to desire . We must , in such cases , as these , procure to get new strength wherewith to serue him ; and by no meanes to be vngratefull ; for , our Lord giues them euer , vpon this condition , that , if we vse not well , that treasure , and high place , wherein he puts vs , he will stripp vs of them againe ; and , as for our parts , we shall come to be more poore , then euer we were , & so his Diuine Maiestie will dispense his Treasures , to such others , as he shall thinke fitt ; & who may benefit , both themselues , and others , by the good vse thereof . But now , how shall that man improue his owne Stock , and spend thereof , with latitude of hart , vpon others , whilst yet he is not come so farr , as to know , that himself is rich ▪ It is , in my opinion , an impossible kinde of thing ( considering the grounds of Humane Nature ) for one to doe great , and goodlie things , if he vnderstand not himself , to be fauoured , by Almightie God ; for , we are so miserable Creatures , and so inclined to delight in things of this world , that we can hardly abhorre , effectually , all that , which heer we enioy ( and especially , to doe it , with great libertie of Spirit ) if we vnderstand not out selues , to haue some kind of tast , or pawne , concerning Heauenlie things ; for , by meanes of such blessings , as these , doth our Lord impart that Fortitude to vs , which we lost by our Sinnes . And he should but vnluckily desire , and exhort a man , to despise , and abhorre the world ; and encourage him to acquire , all those great vertues , which Christians of high perfection , vse to possesse ; if he were not vpheld therein , by a Liuelie Faith , and by his hauing also felt some assurance , of the loue , which our Lord , was pleased to beare him . For naturally , we are so very dead , that we looke not after anie thing , but that , which we see , at the present ; and so , these verie Fauours , are the things , which awake , & strengthen our Faith. I say not , but that it may very well be , that I , being so very wicked , am apt , to iudge of others , by my self ; & that those others may need no more , then the verie light , and truth of Faith , for the making their workes very perfect ; but I ( as very miserable ) haue beē in need , of all possible helps . Others may well say what they please , but I relate , what hath occurred to me ; as they , who haue power ouer me , cōmand ; and if he , to whome I send it , doe not like it , he may teare it ; as knowing better then I , what is vnfitt ; Whome I humbly beseech , euen for the loue of our Blessed Lord , that , whatsoeuer I haue sayd hitherto , concerning my wicked Life , and my Sinnes , he will publish it ; and from this instant , I giue leaue , both to him , and all them , who haue been my Ghostlie Fathers ( of which number he is , to whome this goes addressed ) that they doe it euen now , whilst I am liuing ; to the end , that euen now . I may deceaue the vvorld , no longer ; vvhich els , perhaps , may thinke , that there is some good thing in me ; and really , and very really , I speake truth , to the best , that I can novv vnderstand of my self , that he shall giue me great comfort , if he vvill doe it . But as for that , vvhich shall follovv heerafter , in this Discourse , I allovv him no such libertie , at all ; nor vvill I , by anie meanes , giue vvay , that if they chance to shevv the thing to anie Creature , they declare , vvho that person is , vvith vvhome it passed ; nor , vvho vvrote it ; and for this reason , haue I forborne , to name , either my self , or anie other , vvho hath interuened to the Storie . But I haue done the best I could , to vvrite it so , as that I may not be knowne ; and I desire , for the loue of our Lord , that it may euer remaine , as a Secret. For it vvill suffice , that there are so learned , and graue persons , as may authorize anie thing , vvhich is good , if our Lord vvill giue me grace , to relate it ; and if there be , it must be his , and not mine ; for they only , vvho command me to vvrite it , knovv , that I vvrite it ; and at the present , they are not heer ; and I vvrite it also , as it vvere , by stealth , and vvith vvant of time , and vvith some trouble , because I am kept from spinning ; and I liue in a poore House , and haue busines enough ; and , if our Lord gaue me more abilitie , and memorie , ( of both vvhich , I haue very little ) I might yet , by meanes thereof , serue my self , of vvhat I had heard , or read . So that , if I say anie thing , vvhich is good , our Lord vvill serue himself of it , for some good end ; but vvhatsoeuer is ill sayd , vvill be mine owne ; and that , your Reuerence may blot out . And , both for the one , and for the other , there vvill be no reason at all , to declare my name . During anie bodies life , it is cleare , that the good he doth , is not to be related ; and after death , it vvill also serue for nothing , in this case ; but only to make it loose all authoritie , and credit , for hauing been recounted , by a person , so base , and so vvicked , as my self , And , because I hope you vvill doe that , vvhich I say , ( and I humbly beg it of you , euen for the loue of our Lord ; and of those others also , vvho are to see it ) I write , as you see , vvith all libertie , and clearnes ; for otherwise , I should haue great scruple to doe it , but only , for the meer declaration of my Sinnes ; and in that , I haue none at all . As for other things , it is enough , that I am a woemā , to make my wings fall downe , flatt by my sides ; and hovv much more then , since I am not only a weoman , but a wicked woeman ? And therefore , whatsoeuer your Reuerence shall finde heer , beyond the bare relation of the course of my Life , you must take , to be only , for your self ; since you would needs importune me so farre , as to make you some declaration of the Fauours , which our Lord had been pleased to doe me , in Prayer ; supposing euer , that you hold them to be in conformitie , with the Truths of our Holie Catholick Faith ; for , if not , you are instantly to burne it ; and to this Direction , I will stand . So that I will declare , what passed with me , in this kinde ; to the end , that if it shall proue conforme to Catholick truth , it may be of some seruice to you ; and if not , that you may be the better able , to vndeceaue my Soule ; and so , the Diuel may get nothing by that , whereby I tooke my self , to gaine . For , our Lord knowes , that I euer haue procured , to meet with persons , who might giue me light , as I shall shew afterward . But , how clearly soeuer I shall striue to declare these things , concerning Prayer , it will fall out to be obscure enough , for such as haue no experience therein . I will touch also , vpon some impediments , which ( according to my way of vnderstanding ) vse to oppose themselues against such persons , as are walking on , in this way ; and I will also point at some others , in which there may be some danger , according to what our Lord hath taught me , by experience . And I haue since , treated with great learned men , and persons , who had giuen themselues to Spirit , manie yeares ; and they see , that his Diuine Maiestie hath vouchsafed me , in seauen and twentie yeares , wherein I haue vsed Mētall Prayer , ( though I haue walked on , so ill , & with so manie stumbling blocks , in the way ) that experience , which he hath not allowed to others , in seauen and thirtie , yea and in seauen and fourtie yeares ; whilst yet , they had spent their liues in Pennance , and euer , in a course of Vertue . Let him be Blessed for all ; and I be seech his Diuine Maiestie euen by what he is himself , that he will vouchsafe to be serued by me . For , my deare Lord knowes very well , that I pretend no other thing by this , but only , that he may be a little the more exalted , and praised ; when you see , that he would needs plant a Garden , of so sweet Flowers , vpon , and in a Dung-hill , so fowle , and filthie , and of so very ill fauour , as I am . I humbly beseech his Diuine Maiestie , that I returne not , through my fault , to pluck them all , vp , by the rootes , and so become againe , what I was before . And this , doe I intreat your Reuerence , that you will beg of our B. Lord , for me ; since you know , with more clearnes , what I am , then heer you haue giuen me leaue to expresse . THE ELEAVENTH CHAPTER . She declares , in vvhat the fault consists , of not obtaining to loue God vvith perfectiō , in short time . She beginnes to deliuer it , by a Comparison , vvhich containes Foure degrees of Prayer . And she treats heer of the First , vvhich is very profitable for beginners ; and for them also , vvho haue no sensible delight , or gust , in Prayer . NOw , to speake of them , who beginne to be Seruants of our Blessed Lord , for Loue , ( and to me it seemes , to be nothing els , to resolue to follow him , by this way of Prayer , who loued vs so much ) I find it to be a thing of so great dignitie , that I regale my self , after a strange manner , euen by the very thought thereof . For , seruile feare will instantly flye away , if we carrie ourselues , as we ought , in this first degree of Prayer . O thou Lord of my Soule , and my eternall Good ! how comes it to passe , that , when a Soule resolues to loue thee , and to doe the vttermost she can , to leaue all this world , that so she may the better employ her self vpon this loue of thee , thou art not pleased , that she should instantly enjoy the getting vp , to possesse this perfect loue ? But I haue sayd ill ; for I ought indeed , to haue sayd , that I complaine against our selues ; because it is wee , who will not possesse it , since all the fault is ours , for not instantly obtaining this true loue of God with perfection , which carries all kindes of blessings in company thereof . For , the matter is , that we set so high a price , vpon our selues , and we are withall , so slow , in giuing our harts * totally to God , that , as his Diuine Maiestie , on the one side , will not permitt , that we should enioy so pretious a thing , without paying well for it : so , on the other , we neuer make an end , of disposing our selues therein , as we ought . I am able to see well enough , that there is nothing at all , in this world , with which , so great a treasure can be bought ; but yet , if we did indeed , what we could , by not fastning our selues , to anie thing of this world , but that all our cares , and considerations , were sent-vp to Heauen , I am confident , that this blessing would be imparted to vs , with very great speed , if speedily , and entirely ( as I was saying ) we disposed our selues , to the receauing thereof , as some Saints haue done . But the miserie is , that we thinke , we giue God all ; and the truth is , that we offer his Diuine Maiestie , but the yearlie Rents , or Reuenues , and Fruits , our selues remaining still , with the rootes , and possession of the Land. We resolue , to make our selues poore , for God's sake , and it is a point of great merit , to doe so ; but yet , we returne manie times , to take care , and to vse diligences enow , that nothing may be wanting to vs ; I say not , of that , which is necessarie , but sometimes also , euen of that , which is superfluous ; and to be procuring , also , to make friends , who may help vs to it , and so put vs still , into more care , yea , & perhaps , into more danger too , ( that so we may grow to want nothing ) then euen we had before , when we were the possessours of our owne estates . It seemes also , that , when we came to be Religious , or as soone as we beganne to lead a Spirituall : life , and to aspire towards perfection , we gaue-ouer , to care for the honour of this world ; and yet , as soone as euer anie Creature beginns but to touch vs , in that kind , we forget , that we had already , giuen it away , to Almightie God ; and we resolue sometimes , to snatch it againe , out of his hands , and runne away with it , euen after we seemed to haue voluntarily made him , the entire Lord therof . And iust thus , doth it also happen sometimes , in other things . Now , this indeed is a very delicate , fine , foolish , ridiculous way of seeking the loue of Almightie God , when , togeather with this pretence , we will ( as a man may say ) haue our hands still full of the same imperfect inclinations , and affections , vvhich vve had before ; since vve doe not procure indeed , to effect our owne former good desires ; and still vve endeauour not , at length , to raise them vvholy vp , from the earth ; and yet vve vvill needs expect , the while , to enioy manie Spirituall comforts , and delights . But this , seemes not to be of a Suite ; nor doth the one Stuffe , sitt well , vvith the other ; and therefore , because vve vvill not once resolue , to giue our selues totally vp , to Almightie God , vve come not totally , to enioy this Treasure . And I pray God , it may please his Diuine Maiestie , to vouchsafe to grant it to vs , though it should be , but by drop , and drop ; and though it should grovv to cost vs , all the labours , and troubles of the vvhole vvorld . A very great deale of mercie doth our Blessed Lord shevv to that person , to vvhome he giues the firme purpose , and grace , to resolue vpon procuring this blessing , vvith all his power ; for certainly , if such an one shall perseuer , Almightie God vvill deny himself to no Creature , but will , by little and little , goe enabling that Soule , in such sort , as that , at length , it shall find it self to be victorious . But I sayd , that the Partie must haue courage ; because the Diuel doth ordinarily , in the beginnings , dispose himself , to represent , yea and frame , very great difficulties ; to the end , that so we may not hold-on this way , in good earnest ; as one , who knowes very vvell , vvhat preiudice is like to grovv to him by it ; not only , through his loosing the Soule of that Partie , but of manie others also ; if he , vvho beginns to serue God , endeauour once , by his fauour , to ariue to the perfection therof . For , I belieue , that such an one will neuer goe alone , to Heauen , but will carrie very manie with him ; and that , like a good Captaine , he shall finde , that God will giue him a faire Companie . So that , since the Diuel will be sure , to lay such dangers , and difficulties , in his way , there will be need of very great courage , and resolution , to keep one from running away ; yea and also , there vvill be need of much , and much , and very much fauour , and mercie of Almightie God , for this purpose . Now therefore , to speake of the beginnings of such , as be already resolued , to goe in search , after so great a blessing , and to obtaine , vvhat they aspire to , in the end , ( for , as for that , vvhereof I vvas going once to speake , concerning Mysticall Theologie ( for so I thinke it is called ) I vvill treat thereof afterward ) the great , and greatest trouble , consists euer , in these verie beginnings . For , those are they , which cost most , when a Soule comes , to giue our Lord the whole Stock . And , in the other degrees of Prayer , which follow , the most part of that , which passes , is delighting , and enioying ; though yet still , both the First , and the two Middle ones , and euen the Last , haue , all of them , their seuerall Crosses to carry , yet , in a different kind . But , in fine , all they , who will follow Christ our Lord , must goe by that verie way , where he went , vnlesse they will haue a minde to be lost . And happie are those troubles , which be endured heer , since euen heer , they are so superabundantly recompensed , and payd . I must now serue my self of some Comparison , which yet I would be glad , to forbeare , in regard , that I am a woeman ; and would faine set that downe , very simply , and plainly , which they command me to say . But this language of Spirit , is so very hard to be declared , by such , as are vnlearned , like me , that I must seek some particular way , how to doe it . And it is likelie , that I shall seldome hitt tight , in making the Comparison serue ; but , in that case , it may passe for your recreation , to see , how very improper , and rude I am . To my remembrance , I haue either read , or heard this * Comparison , which followes heer ; for , my memorie is so very imperfect , that I know not how , nor vpon what occasion , I mett with it , first ; but it contents me , at least , for the present , in order to what I haue in hand . He , who beginnes in the way of Prayer , must conceiue that he is beginning to frame an Orchard , or Garden , for the contentment , and delight of his Lord ; though yet it be in a very vnfruitfull Soile , and full of Weeds . His Diuine Maiestie now is he , who must be pleased to plant good Hearbes , and root the ill ones vp . But now wee will make account , that this is done already , in our case , when a Soule , not only resolues , to vse Prayer , but hath already , begunne to vse it . And now , by the help of our Lord , we must procure , like carefull Gardners , that these good Herbes , which are planted , may grow ; and we must take care , to water them , that so , they may not wither , but may come to yeild Flowers of so excellent odour , as may serue to be of recreation to this Lord of ours ; that so , he may take pleasure , to come often , into this Garden of his , and delight himself , amongst these vertues of our Soules . Now let vs see , in what sort , these Flowers may be watred , that so we may come to vnderstand , what we are to doe , and what trouble it is likelie to cost ; and whether the gaine will proue to be more , then the labour ; and how long it will be likely to last . As for me , it occurrs to me , to thinke , that these Plants may be watred , by fowre wayes : Either , by drawing water , out of a Well , which wee cannot doe without much labour ; or by way of a * Wheele , with certaine little Buekets , belonging to it , which is easily turned about , by the hand ; and my self haue drawne some , thus , now and then ; and I find , that it brings vp more water , with lesse trouble , then doth that , of the former way . Or els , by meanes of letting in , some little Brooke , or Riuer , into the Garden ; and , by this meanes , the Garden is watred much better , then by the former ; and the earth remaines with more moisture ; and there will not be need , to water it so often ; and the labour also of the Gardner , is much lesse . Or els , in fine , when there falls a good Showre of Rayne vpon the Garden , for then , the Lord himself waters it , without anie labour at all , of ours ; and this is , without comparison , the very farr best way , of all the fowre . But now , for applying these foure wayes of vseing Water , whereby this Garden of ours , is to be preserued ( because a Garden without water , is to perish ) that , which , me thinkes , is to our purpose , is , that we may , by this Similitude , declare somewhat , of these foure degrees of Prayer ; into which , our Lord , through his goodnes , hath sometimes brought my Soule . And I humbly beseech him , of his mercie , that I may hitt right , vpon what I am about to say ; in such sort , as that it may be of vse , and profit , to one of those persons , who commanded me to write thus much ; and whome our Lord hath drawne further on , in foure moneths , then I was able to get , in seauenteen yeares . But certainly , he disposed himself better ; and so , the Gardner hath watred his Orchard , without anie trouble at all , to the Partie , with all these foure kindes of Water ; though the last of the foure , haue not yet , come to his turne , but by drops . But , the busines goes on , in such sort , that by the fauour , and help of our Lord , he will quickly ingulfe himself therein ; and I shall be hartily glad , if he laugh at me , in case he finde the manner of my declaring this Point in question , to haue been impertinent . Of them , who beginne to hold Prayer , we may say , that those are the persōs , who draw water out of the Well , which vses to be very troublesome , as I haue sayd ; for they are likelie , to take much paines , about recollecting their Senses ; which hauing been vsed , to wander , and goe scattered , vp , and downe , it is wont to be of trouble enough . These men * haue therefore need , to goe accustoming themselues , not to desire to see , or heare impertinent things ; and to obserue their howers of Prayer ; and to loue to be alone ; and to consider the life , which they haue lead ; and to doe it , hand to hand , by themselues . And though all these , whether they be , either of the First Degree , or of the Last , are to employ themselues vpon these thoughts , very often ; yet there is to be of the more , and of the lesse , in these cogitations ; as I will shew afterward . At first , they are wont , to be in some paine , because they vse not , to be fully enough satisfyed , that they repent themselues sufficiently of their Sinnes ; and yet they faile not to doe it , since they resolue to serue Almightie God , in so very good earnest . They must procure , to meditate much , vpon the Life of Christ our Lord ; though the Vnderstanding , will perhaps , be wearie of this . But yet hitherto , we may be able , to be of some help , to our selues ; I meane , togeather with the fauour of our Lord ; for , without this , the world knowes well enough , that we are not able , so much as to haue a good thought . Now , This is to beginne , to draw Water out of a Well ; and I pray God , there fall out to be any ; but at least , the fault is not ours , if there be none ; since we endeauour to draw it ; and since we doe , what we can , towards the watring of these Flowers . And Almightie God , is so very good , that when ( for reasons , best knowne to his Diuine Maiestie , yea , and perhaps , euen for our owne greater good ) he will haue this Well , to be dry , he is pleased ( so that still , we doe our parts , like good Gardners ) to sustaine these Flowers , without anie Water at all ; and to make our vertues grow . I meane heer , by Water , Teares ; whereof there may , peraduenture , be none ; as also no tendernes , or inward feeling of Deuotion . But , what shall he doe now , who sees , that , for the space of a long time , there is nothing but drynes , and disgust , and displeasure ; and so little deuotion also , to goe draw anie more Water , out of the Well ? For , certainly , if he did not remember , that he doth some kind of pleasure , and seruice , to the Lord of the Garden , and did not take care , not to loose all the labour , which he hath already vndergone , and the hope also of getting more , by so great paines , as he takes , to cast the Bucket so often into the Well , and to bring it back , without anie water at all ; without doubt , he would giue ouer , outright . And , manie times , it shall also happen to him , vpon this occasion , that he will not so much as stirr his hand ; nor will he be able , so much as to continue in one good thought ; for , already , it is to be granted , that this way of working , by the employment of the Vnderstanding , is a striuing , to draw Water out of a Well . But now , as I was saying , what is the Gardner to doe in this case ? I * answer , that he is to reioyce , and to receaue much comfort ; and to esteem it , for an incomparable Fauour , that he may be suffered , to labour , and worke in the Garden , of so great an Emperour , as God is . And , since he knowes , that he giues contentment to his Diuine Maiestie thereby , ( for , the gust , & seruice of God , & not the Gardners owne , is to be his maine , and finall scope ) let him giue God glorie , and praise , who proceeds with him , and treats him , in so confident a manner ; since he giues him grace , to haue so great care of doing that , which he recommended to him , though he doe not pay him yet , for his paines . And let this Gardner still , help our Lord , to carrie his Crosse ; and remember , that the same Lord , liued , and lay vpon the same Crosse , all his life . And let not this man desire , to enioy his Kingdome heer , in this World ; nor euer once giue-ouer his Prayer ; but let him rather resolue , that , though his drynes of sensible indeuotion , should last with him , as long , as his life , yet he will neuer giue occasion , that Christ our Lord should fall downe , with his Crosse . For , at least , the time will certainly come , when he shall receaue all his wages , at one payment ; and let him neuer feare , that his labour can possibly be lost ; for , he serues a very good Master , who stands looking earnestly vpon him . And let him make no account at all , of ill thoughts , but consider , that the Diuel did also vex S. Hierome with them , in the verie Wildernes . But those labours , haue their price , and recompence , set out for them ; and I assure you , as a person , who haue spent manie yeares , in the feeling therof , that , when sometimes I came to draw , and get but some one single drop of water , out of this blessed Well , I thought , that God did me a great Fauour . I know well , that these troubles are very great ; and I conceaue , that there is more need of courage , for supporting them , then for manie other things , of this world ; but yet I haue seen clearly , that God leaues them not , without great reward , euen in this life . For it is most certaine , that , with one of these howers of gust , of himself , which he hath giuen me heer , afterwards I esteem all those sad afflictions , to haue been very well rewarded , which I sustained , in all the former time , of my continuing the vse of Prayer . As for me , I hold , that our Lord will giue these torments ( togeather with manie other temptations , which occurr ) manie times , in the beginning ; and at other times , towards the end ; to try , who are his true Louers ; and to know if they can drinke of his Chalice , and will help him , to beare his Crosse , before he will depositate so great treasures in them . And I conceaue , that his Diuine Maiestie is resolued to carrie vs on , by this way , to the end , that we may first vnderstand well , how little we are worth ; for , the Fauours , which sometimes he imparts afterward , are of so great dignitie , that he will , first , haue vs see our miserie , by experience , before he impart those great Fauours , to vs ; least otherwise , that should happen to vs , which did to Lucifer . But , what is it , O my Lord , which thou art doing ? Were * it not better , for the good of that Soule , which thou knowest , to be already thine , and which puts it self into thy hands , to follow thee , whithersoeuer thou wilt goe , though it were euen to the verie death of the Crosse ; and to resolue to help thee to carrie it , and neuer to leaue thee alone , vnder that burthen ? No ; for , whosoeuer findes this resolution in himself , hath nothing left for him , to feare . Spirituall persons haue no reason at all , to be afflicted , who are already placed , in so eminent condition , as it is , to treat with God , hand to hand ; and to forsake the idle pastimes of this world . The greatest part of your busines is dispatcht already ; and praise you his Diuine Maiestie for the same , and confide very fully in his goodnes ; for he neuer yet failed his friends . Shut-vp the eyes of your Minde , from considering , why he giues sensible deuotion to another , in so few dayes ; and not to me , in so manie yeares . Let vs belieue , and know , that all this , is done by him , for our greater good ; and let his Diuine Maiestie conduct vs , by what way he will ; for now , we are no longer our owne , but his ; and he doth vs Fauour enough , in permitting vs , to digg in his Garden , and to suffer vs to be so neer the Lord thereof . For it is certaine , that he remaines with vs ; and whether he be pleased , that the Plants , and Flowers , of his Garden , may grow , or not grow , either more or lesse , what is that to the purpose ? Doe thou dispose so , of things , O Lord , as shall please thee best ; and let me , only , not offend thee ; nor let my vertues be lost , if thou haue giuen me anie . I am resolued , O Lord , to suffer , since thou wouldst suffer ; and thy Will , be accomplished in me , in all kindes ; and let not thy Diuine Maiestie be pleased , that a thing of so high value , as thy Loue , may euer be giuen to anie such people , as will not serue thee , but only for delights , and gusts . It is heer to be noted much , ( and I speake it , because I know the truth of it , by experience ) that the Soule , which beginnes to walke in this way of Mentall Prayer , with firme purpose , & can bring her self once , to a finall resolution , neither to be comforted , nor discomforted greatly , because our Lord doth either giue , or not giue these spirituall gusts , or tendernes of deuotion , hath already passed through a very great part of his way . And let him not once thinke of turning back , how much soeuer he may faulter , or stūble ; for , his Building is layd , and grounded , vpon a firme Foundation . So that , the true Loue of God , consists not , in hauing teares , or tendernes , or Spirituall gusts , which we are wont , for the most part , to desire , and to take comfort in ; but to serue his Diuine Maiestie , with * Iustice , and Fortitude , and Humilitie . For , in that other course , me thinkes , we are rather on the taking hand , then on the giuing , anie thing of our owne . As for poore , weake , sillie woemen , and who are of little courage , like me , me thinks I could find it fitt , that our Lord , should carrie them on , with Regalo ; that so , they might be the better induced , to suffer those afflictions , which it hath pleased his Diuine Maiestie , that they should beare . But , for the true Seruants of God ; men of Substance , and solid wayes ; men of Learning , and Vnderstanding , to make so much reflection , vpon God 's not giueing them tendernes of Deuotion , as , I see , they doe , I confesse , it giues me disgust , euen to heare it . I say not , but that they should receaue these Spirituall delights , when God giues them ; yea , and that they should esteem them very much ; because , in that case , his Diuine Maiestie , will haue seen , that they were conuenient for them ; but only , that , when they haue them not , they should not vex themselues ; and that they should also vnderstand , that , when God giues them not , they are not conuenient for them ; but that they ought to be , and remaine the Lords of themselues , in all things . Let them belieue , that this is a defect , and fault , in them ; for I haue seen , and tryed it . Let them belieue , that this is an imperfection ; and that it is not , to walke on , with Libertie of Spirit , but rather like weake , and cowardlie people , who dare not set vpon difficulties . And I say not this , so much for them , who are but beginners ; ( though yet I presse it so farr , because it imports very much , that they beginne with this Libertie of Spirit , and resolution ) but euen for others also . For , there are manie , who haue already begunne , and yet , who neuer , in fine , resolue vpon doing heerin , home , what they ought ; and I belieue , that this proceeds , in great part , from their not resoluing to take vp , and carrie this Crosse , from the verie beginning . For , such shall goe on , still afflicted , as conceauing , that all that , is nothing , which they doe ; because when the Vnderstanding giues-ouer to worke , and act , they vse not to be able to endure it ; and yet , perhaps , they will grow euen fatt , and strong , at the verie self same time , though themselues vnderstand it not , to be so . We are to thinke , and know , that our Lord doth not consider , and care for these things ; for , howsoeuer our selues may thinke , that they are faults , yet they are not so , indeed ; and his Diuine Maiestie knowes our miserie , and base condition , much better , then our selues ; and considers , that these Soules desire to be thinking alwaies , vpon him ; and that they desire , to loue him . And this is that firme purpose , which he values , and expects at our hands . But , that other , is but an affliction , which we bring vpon our selues ; for it serues but to disquiet the Soule , and to giue occasion , that , if before , it were vnable , to take anie benefit , by seruing God , for one hower , it may now be so , for fowre . And , manie times ( for I haue very great experience of this case , and know it to be true , because I haue both considered it with care , and haue also treated about it , with Spirituall persons ) this growes , euen from our corporall indisposition ; for we are so very totally infirme , that this poore , little , wretched Soule of ours , participates in the miseries of the Bodie ; and euen the alteration of the weather , and the reuolution of their owne naturall humours , are , many times , the occasion , why , ( without euen anie fault of their owne , ) they cannot well doe , euen what they would , but are faine to suffer thus , in all kindes . And , when they striue to force themselues , in these coniunctures of time , it proues to be so much the worse with them ; and the inconuenience will last , so much the longer . But , discretion must be vsed heerin , to weigh , when this Effect proceeds from this Cause ; and they must not oppress , and stifle this poore Soule , but vnderstand , and consider , that it is sick . Let the hower of Prayer , in God's name , be changed ; yea , and manie times it will be fitt , to doe so , for some dayes ; and let them passe through this bannishment of theirs , as well as they can ; since it is misfortune , and miserie enough , for a Soule , which doth indeed , loue Almightie God , to see , that she liues in so great miserie ; and that she is no way able to doe , euen what her self desires , in regard , that she is lodged , with so vntoward , and ill an Host , as this Bodie is . I sayd , this was to be done , with discretion ; because sometimes , the Diuel will be a cause of these things ; and therefore it is good , neither alwaies to leaue the vsuall & set time of Prayer , whensoeuer there may be great disturbance , and distraction , in the Vnderstanding ; nor yet alwaies , to stand tormenting the Soule , towards the making it doe more , then it can . There are also other exteriour workes of Charitie , & of reading also , which may be vsed ; though yet sometimes , the Soule will not be so much as fitt , euen for that ; but , in that case , let the Minde be euen subiect , as it were , to the Bodie , for the loue of Almighty God , since , manie other times , the Bodie serues the Soule ; and let the Partie , in such cases , take the entertainment , and pastime of conuersation , with others , so that it be holie ; or diuert himself , with going a little abroad , to take the Ayre ; as the Ghostlie Father shall aduise . For , Experience is a great Schoole-Mistris , in all things , towards the giuing anie one to vnderstand , what may be fitt ; and , Almightie God is serued , in all this busines ; for , his Yoake is sweet ; and it is a thing of much importance , that the Soule be not seruilely dragged , ( as one may say ) but that it be carried sweetly on , towards the receauing of more benefit , and profit . So that I aduise , againe , and againe , ( for though I say it often , it will doe no hurt , because the matter imports so much ) that no bodie is to afflict , nor oppress himself , either through drynesses , or disquiets , or distraction of thoughts ; nor yet to goe , vp , and downe , with anie such kind of tribulation , if they pretend to gaine Libertie of Spirit . But let him once beginne , not to be in such a fright , vpon the sight of the Crosse ; and he shall see , how our Blessed Lord will help him to beare it ; and what contentment he will grow to haue ; and how he will be able , to make his profit of all things . For , already , we may sufficiently perceaue , that , if there be no Spring of Water in the Well , we know not , how to put anie there . True it is , that we must , by no meanes , be negligent , and careless , but endeauour to draw it out , if there be anie ; because then , our Lord is pleased to multiply our vertues , by that meanes . THE TWELFTH CHAPTER . She prosecutes her Discourse , of the First State , or Degree of Prayer ; and declares , hovv farre vve may ariue of our selues , by the Fauour of our Lord ; And of the hurt it brings , to desire , that our Spirit may rise to Supernaturall , and Extraordinarie things , till our Lord himself be pleased , to ordaine it . THat , which I pretended to giue to be vnderstood , in the last Chapter ( though yet I diuerted my self much , vpon other things , in regard , that I thought them very necessarie ) was , to declare , how much we might be able , to acquire ; and how , in this First part of our deuotions , we might , to some proportion , help our selues ; because the considering , and ruminating vpon that , which our Lord suffered for vs , is wont to moue vs to compassion ; and the sorrow , and teares , which grow from thence , is a very sauourie , and delightfull kind of thing . And so , to thinke of the Glorie , for which we hope , and of the Loue , which our Lord bore vs ; as also of his Resurrection ; moues vs to ioy , which is neither wholy Spirituall , nor wholy Sensuall ; but this is a vertuous kind of ioy , on the one side , as , on the other , that former paine , is very meritorious ; And of this sort , are all those things , which cause anie such deuotion , as is acquired in part , by the Vnderstanding ; though yet there be no merit , nor gaine therein , vnlesse Almightie God be pleased to giue it . But now , it will be very fitt , for a Soule , which our Lord hath not raised anie higher , not to procure to exalt her self ; and let this be very well noted ; for , the contrarie course will help her to nothing , but losse . In this Degree , or State , she may performe manie good acts , by way of resoluing to doe great things for Almighty God ; and to awake , and stirr-vp her loue , and others also , by way of assisting her self , to grow-vp in seuerall vertues ; according to what is contained in a certaine Booke , called , The Art of seruing God ; which is a very good one , and very proper for such as finde themselues in this State ; because the Vnderstanding doth act , and exercise it self , heer . She may also represent her self , as in the presence of Christ our Lord ; and accustome her self , to be greatly enamoured , with his most Sacred Humanitie ; and to be euer carrying that , along in her companie ; and to be often speaking to it ; and to beg his continuall assistance , in all her necessities ; and euen to complaine to him , of her afflictions ; and to ioy with him , for her contentments , and gusts ; but yet , not to forget him , vpon occasion thereof ; And all this , without procuring to expresse her self , in anie sett kind of Prayers , but to make vse of such words alone , as may haue conformitie with her owne necessities , and desires . This is an * excellent way of finding profit , and that in a very short time ; and , whosoeuer shall earnestly labour , to carrie this pretious companie with himself , and shall haue proceeded well therein , and shall haue found the way of louing , in very good earnest , this Lord of ours , to whome we owe so much , I will giue , and passe my word , that this person , is a very good Proficient . For this purpose , let it not trouble vs a whitt , not to finde our selues with sensible deuotion , as I haue sayd ; but let vs giue thankes to our Lord , for giuing vs so good desires , to please him , though our workes be weake . This way of carrying Christ our Lord in our companie , is very vsefull in all the Fowre States , and Degrees of Prayer . It is a most secure , and safe meanes , to goe profiting in the First Degree ; and that we shall gett quickly , to the Second ; and then to be free also , in the two last , from those dangers , which the Diuel may prouide for vs. For , this , in fine , is that , which we may be able to doe ; and for anie bodie to passe-vp from hence , and to exalt his Spirit , towards the feeling of certaine gusts , which are not allowed him , is but , in my opinion , to loose , both the one , and the other ; because , in fine , that , is all Supernaturall ; and so , the Vnderstanding being at a Stand , and lost , the Soule remaines all desolate , and with great drynes . And , since this whole Building is grounded vpon Humilitie , the neerer we grow to Almightie God , the more shall we proceed , and profit , in this Vertue ; and if we doe not this , all is lost . And it seemes to be no better , then a kind of pride , if we desire to get-vp to a higher ranke , since God doth vs but too much honour , and fauour ( considering , how vnworthie we are ) in suffering vs , to be so neer , to himself . But now , it must not be so vnderstood , as if I spoke all this , against raising-vp our thoughts , to consider the high things of Heauen , or of God , or of the greatnesses , which are there aboue ; as also of his Incomparable Wisdome . For though I neuer did this , because I had no abilitie for this purpose , ( as I haue sayd ) and I found my self so miserable , and so meane , that God did me particular fauour , to enable me , to thinke of earthlie things , by meanes whereof , I might come afterward to vnderstand this truth ; ( for euen this , was no small aduenture for me ; and how much more was it so , to consider Celestiall things ) yet others may take benefit heerby ; and especially , if they haue Learning , and Knowledge , which is , in my opinion , a great treasure , towards this exercise of Prayer , if it be accompanied with Humilitie . I haue seen the truth of this , very lately , by occasion of some learned men , who begunne not long agoe , and yet haue proceeded , and profited very much ; which makes me haue an earnest , and euen a kind of impatient desire , that manie such , as are learned , would grow to be very Spirituall men , whereof I shall giue the reason heerafter . But now , that which I haue sayd , Namely , That men must not exalt themselues , to rise higher , then God doth raise them , is a certaine kinde of Language of Spirit ; and he will vnderstand me , who hath experience of it ; but as for me , I know not , how to expresse it , if he know not , how to vnderstand me , by what I haue sayd . In Mysticall Theologie ( whereof I beganne to speake ) the Vnderstanding ceases from working , because Almightie God * suspends it ; as I will declare heerafter , if I be able , and if he giue me grace , for that purpose . But as for vs , to presume , yea , or so much as to thinke of suspending it , is that , which I am saying , we should not doe . Nor must we leaue to act , and worke thereby , and therewith ; for if we doe , we shall be stupid , and sottish , and cold ; and we shall effect , neither the one , nor the other . But when our Lord suspends , and stopps it , he furnishes it with matter , vpon which , the Partie may employ himself , and at which , he may be amazed ; and he makes him vnderstand more , in the time , and space of saying one Credo , ( though yet still , not by way of Discourse ) then we could tell , how to vnderstand , with all our humane diligences of this world , in the compasse of manie yeares . But now , to exercise , and employ the Powers of the Minde , and yet , the while , to thinke of making them stand at a stay , is a sensles kind of fancie , and foolerie . And I say , and say againe ( though perhaps , it be not well vnderstood ) that this , is no act of anie great Humilitie ; and though it should not be guiltie of being a fault , yet it will not faile to be subiect , to the punishment ; for at least , it will be all labour lost ; and the Soule findes it self to remaine with an odd little kinde of disgust ; as when a man goes to leape , when yet men hold him fast , by the back . For such an one seemes already , to haue employed all his strength , to doe somewhat which he desired , and yet findes himself , without effecting , what he pretended . And so , whosoeuer will consider the matter well , shall come to discerne , by the slender gaine , which he made , this little half inuisible dust of the want of Humilitie , whereof I spake . For , in fine , this vertue hath that excellencie , amongst others , in it , That there is no worke , or action , in the world , if it be accompanied with that vertue , which will euer leaue the Soule , in disgust . There were diuers yeares , when I was wont to reade manie things , and yet vnderstood none of them all ; and there was , afterward also , a long time , when , though God gaue me abilitie to vnderstand , yet could I not speake a word , wherewith to make it be vnderstood , by others ; and this point cost me no small labour . But , when his Diuine Maiestie hath a minde to teach it , he doth it so , & all at an instant , that I am amazed . And one thing I can say with much truth , that though I spake with manie Spirituall persons , who had a minde to make me vnderstand , what our Lord imparted to me , that so , I might the better declare things , in particular , and cleare manner , to them ; it is certaine , that my dulnes was so great , as that their discourse was not of anie vse to me , at all . And perhaps our Blessed Lord ( as his Diuine Maiestie vouchsafed still , to be my Master ; & let him be blessed for euer , since it is confusion enough for me , to be able to say thus much , with truth ) was pleased , that I should haue no bodie , to thanke for it , but himself ; and that , without my desiring , or euen wishing it , ( for in this , I was not a whitt curious , wherein it might haue been a vertue , to be so ; but I was so , about the vanities of the world ) he would giue me to vnderstand , and comprehend it , with all claritie ; yea and so , as that I could vnfold it also , to others ; in such sort , as that men were amazed at it ; and my self more , then anie of my Ghostlie Fathers ; because I vnderstood mine owne dulnes , better then they . Nor is it anie long time , since this hapned to me ; and so I procure not to know those things , which our Lord hath not taught me , but I only consider , and take care of them , so farre , as whereby my Conscience may be concerned . I returne yet once againe , to aduise , and declare , that it will import vs very much , not to * eleuate , and raise our Spirit , vnlesse our Lord be pleased to eleuate , and raise it ; which if he doe , it will instantly be vnderstood ; and especially , this is more dangerous for woemen ; for , the Diuel may bring some illusion vpon them ; though yet withall , I hold it for very certaine , that our Lord will not permitt , that the Diuel should be able to hurt anie such person , as shall procure to approach his Diuine Maiestie with Humilitie ; but rather that he shall be able , to giue himself more aduantage , and profit , by that , whereby the Diuel meant to destroy him . But now , in regard , that this way of beginners , in the exercise of Mentall Prayer , is more beaten , and because the admonitions , which I haue giuen , import much , I haue enlarged my self , thus farr ; though yet , others will certainly haue written much better of it . But thus much doe I confesse ; and I haue expressed my self heerin , with abundance of confusion , and shame , though yet still , not with so much , as I ought to haue had . Let our Lord be euer Blessed for all , since he permits , and is pleased , that so miserable a Creature , as I , should speake of things , belonging to his Diuine Maiestie ; and those things , such , and so high . THE THIRTEENTH CHAPTER . She proceeds in this First Degree , and State of Prayer ; and giues aduise against some temptations , vvhich the Diuel is sometimes vvont to bring . This Discourse is very profitable . I Haue thought fitt , to speake heer , of certaine temptations , which I haue found , to be brought against some , in their beginning , to vse Mentall Prayer ; and some I haue felt my self ; and I will also giue some aduise , which I hold to be necessarie , heerin . Let therefore a * beginner procure , to goe-on with great alacritie , and Libertie of Spirit ; for , there be some , who are apt to thinke , that all their deuotion is instantly to vanish , if they doe neuer so little amisse , therein . It is true , that it will be very fitt , to continue in a holie doubt , and feare , of themselues , that so they may not be confident at all , to put themselues into anie occasion , wherein our Lord is wont to be offended ; for it will euer be very necessarie , to vse this actual diligence , till one be very entire , in the possession of vertue ; and there are not manie , who may be so very confident of themselues , as that , in such occasions , which haue * conformitie with their naturall disposition , and inclination , they may be out of care , and feare . And , in fine , it will euer be fitt , that so long , as we shall liue , in this world , we consider our miserable nature ; though it were but euen for the continuall exercise of humilitie ; but there are manie times , when it is permitted , as I haue sayd , to be taking recreation , though it were but to enable vs the better , to returne the more encouraged , and fortifyed , towards the making of Prayer . In all things , it will euer be needfull , to vse discretion ; and withall , to haue great confidence , in God ; for it is , by no meanes , fitt , to goe lessning , & diminishing our desires , but to belieue of Almightie God , that , if we will endeauour earnestly ; by little and little , we may , by the fauour of his Diuine Maiestie , ariue , though it be not presently , where manie Saints haue ariued ; who , if they had neuer resolued to aspire to Perfection , and had not also endeauoured , by little and little , to acquire it , would neuer haue been able , to obtaine so high a State. His Diuine Maiestie , is a very great friend , and fauourer of * couragious Soules ; so that withall , they proceed with Humilitie , & not with anie confidence , in themselues ; and I haue yet neuer seen anie one of this kinde , who hath continued to remaine in a very inferiour degree , in this way ; nor neuer also , anie one cowardlie Soule ( though yet withall , it had the safegarde of Humilitie ) which was able to make so much way , in manie yeares , as I haue found those others doe , in very few . I am euen amazed , when I consider , how much it workes in this kinde , for one to animate himself , towards the doing of great things ; though instantly he may , perhaps , not haue force , where with to performe . For , the Soule puts herself to make a Flight , and ariues to be , in a high place , though yet , like some young Bird , she be not so well feathered yet ; and therefore , as being wearie , she can but pause , and houer . In former time , I often remembred , and considered , what S. Paul affirmes of himself , Namely , That he could doe all things , in God , vvho comforted him ; for , as for me , I knew well , that I could doe nothing of my self . But , that Saying of his , did me very much good ; & so also , did this other of S. Augustin : Giue me , O Lord , vvhat thou commandest ; and then command me , vvhat thou vvilt . And , for my part , I thought also manie times , that S. Peter had lost nothing by the bargaine , when he cast himselfe headlōg into the Sea though yet he were afrayd , afterward . In a word , these first strong purposes , and resolutions , are a great matter , though yet , in this First Degree , and State , it is fitt , that we goe detaining our selues , and hold our selues fast tyed , to the discretion , and disposing of a Directour ; but then , we must procure , that he may be such an one , as will not teach vs , to leape heauily , and dully , like certaine Toades ; nor be content , that our Soules dispose themselues , to hunt , those little weake beasts , called Lizards ; Only Humilitie must euer goe before , that so we may besure to vnderstand , that this strength doth not grow from our selues . But heer , it will be necessarie for vs , to know , what kinde of Humilitie , this of ours , must be ; and I am very apt to thinke , that the Diuel does much hurt , towards the making such , as exercise Prayer , not to aduance themselues very much , in their way , by causing them to mis-vnderstand Humilitie ; and by procuring to make vs belieue , that it is but a kinde of pride , to haue Heroicall desires ; and to pretend , to imitate Saints ; and to desire , to be Martyrs . For , vpon this , he tells vs , and makes vs thinke , that the actions of Saints , are fitt to be admired , but not to be imitated , by vs , who are Sinners . This doe I also say , as well as he ; only we must consider , what , in particular , is fitt for * admiration ; and what , for imitation . For it would be no way conuenient , that a person , who were sick , and weake , should put himself , vpon great Fasts , and sharp Pennances ; or should betake himself to the Wildernes , where he might neither be able to sleep , nor yet could get , what to eate ; or the like . But yet , we ought to thinke , that we may well endeauour earnestly , by God's Fauour , to hold the world , in great contempt ; and not to esteem earthlie honour ; and not to remaine tyed-vp to the care of riches . But we really , haue harts so very poore , and straight , that it seemes to vs , as if we could not haue ground enough , to goe vpon , if once we should lay the care of our Bodie , neuer so little aside , to giue it , to the Soule . It seemes therefore heer already , that , euen for the better enioying of Recollection , it will be good , that we be in no want of necessarie things ; for , anie kinde of care , will be able to disquiet men , in Prayer . And I am hartily sorry , that we should haue so little confidence in God , and so much loue of our selues , as that we should be disquieted , by this thought . But the truth is , that , wheresoeuer men haue made so small progresse , as this , in the way of Spirit , certaine fooleries , will trouble some , as much , as greater , and more substantiall matters , will doe others ; and yet still ( in our way of vnderstanding ) we will needs presume our selues , to be Spirituall persons . It seemes to me , that this kinde of way of proceeding , shewes a desire in them , to put the Bodie , and Minde , into such a concurrence , and correspondence , as that we would faine finde meanes , to take our ease in this world , and yet enioy God , in the next ; and that conceipt will proue to be true , if we liue according to Iustice , and continue , to stick close to Vertue ; but yet still , this is but the pace of a Henn , and it will neuer be able to bring vs on , to enioy true Libertie of Spirit . This seemes , indeed , to be a good way of proceeding , for such as are in state of Marriage , who are to carrie themselues , according to their Vocation ; but for anie other state , then that , I doe , by no meanes , desire , anie such kinde of profiting in Spirit , as this ; nor shall they euer make me beleiue , that it is a good one ; for I haue tryed it , long enough ; and I had euer continued , in that way , if our Lord , through his infinit goodnes , had not shewed me another , and a shorter cutt ; though yet withall , it be true , that I had euer great desires ; but I procured ( as I haue sayd ) to vse Prayer ; though yet still , to liue withall , at my pleasure . But really , I conceaue , that if anie bodie would haue encouraged me , to flye a higher pitch , I should haue striuen hard , to make those desires , proue deeds . But alas , it is true , that through our Sinnes , there are so very few , and may so quickly be counted , who haue anie more discretion , then is necessarie , for such occurrences , as these , that , I belieue , it is a great part of the cause , why such , as are beginners , can get no faster on , towards great perfection ; for , our Lord doth neuer faile , on his part ; but it is we , who are still the faultie , and miserable Creatures . They may also be able , to imitate the Saints ; in procuring to vse Solitude , and keep Silence ; and to exercise manie other vertues , which , will yet , by no meanes , murder this miserable Bodie , which they desire to preserue , with such curiositie , & care , though it should turne to the disorder of the Soule . And now , the Diuel is carefull enough , to helpe to render vs the more vnable ; for , when he sees but a little inordinate feare , he desires no more , then to make vs apprehend , that euerie thing , will be apt to kill vs ; or at least , to depriue vs of our health ; yea and if we be accustomed to haue teares , he will put vs into a feare , that we shall be blinde . My self haue passed by this Walke , & therefore I know it ; and I know withall , that I cannot tell , what better kinde of life , or health , we can possibly desire , then to loose them both , vpon such an occasion . My self , being so sicklie as I was , till I resolued to make no account at all , of my health , and of my bodie , was euer tyed vp , and was good for nothing ; and euen now , it is very little , which I can doe . But yet , as soone as our Lord was pleased , that I should vnderstand this deceipt , and trick of the Diuel , if he obiected to me , my losse of health , I told him , it imported little , that I must dye ; If he tempted me with loue of rest , and ease , I told him , that it was not ease which I needed now , but the sufferance of a Crosse ; And so also , in other things . For I saw clearly , that , in very manie , it was either a temptation of the Diuel , or mine owne lazines ; though yet , in verie deed , I be sicklie enough . But howsoeuer , I now enioy much better health , since I am not so very curious , and daintie , as I was , then I did before . And it is therefore of great importāce , for them , who beginne to hold Mentall Prayer , that they doe not subtilize too much , with their thoughts . And let them belieue me heerin ; for I know it by experience ; and perhaps it may be of good vse , for me , to recount my faults , that so , others may take warning by me . There is also another temptation , and it is very vsuall ; To desire , forsooth , that euerie bodie might grow to be very Spirituall , when once themselues beginne , to tast of this great Quiet ; & how much , is to be gained by this meanes . It is not an ill thing , to desire it ; but to procure it , may peraduenture not be good ; vnlesse much discretion , and , as it were , dissimulation , be vsed , in doing it so , as that they seem not , to take vpon them , to teach ; for , such as will procure to doe good , vpon their neighbours , in such cases as this , had need haue their owne vertues very strong ; least els , they breed temptation for others . It hapned iust thus to me , and therefore I vnderstand it ; that when ( as I was saying ) I procured , that others might vse Mentall Prayer , and on the one side , they heard me speake of high matters , and of the great benefit , which it brought , to vse that exercise ; and when they saw , on the other , how very poore I was , in point of vertue , I occasioned them to be tempted , and disordered ; and they were so , with reason enough ; and themselues told me as much , afterward . For they knew not , how it was possible , for one of those things , to be compatible with the other ; and it caused them not to thinke that , to be ill , which yet , indeed , was so ; because , forsooth , they saw me doe it sometimes , when they held a good opinion of me . And this doth the Diuel effect , who , it seemes , can serue his turne , euen of the vertues , which we haue ; that so , he may , the better , grow to authorize the mischeif , which he desires to doe vs ; and how little soeuer that be , in it self , yet when that is done , in a Communitie , he gaines very much , by the bargaine ; and how much more , when that , which I did ill , was very ill . And so , in manie yeares , there were only three persons , who tooke benefit , by what I told them ; and , when our Lord was already pleased , to bestow more strength of vertue vpon me , they were manie , who profited by me , euen in two or three yeares ; as I will shew afterward . Besides , there is this other great inconuenience , that the Soule looses her progresse in vertue ; for the cheif thing , which she is to procure at first , is only to take care of her selfe alone ; and to make account , that there is not , in the whole world , anie one thing , but God , and She. And this is a certaine point , which imports the same Soule , very much . There is also yet another temptation ( and all , such as this , shew themselues euer , with a kinde of zeale of vertue ; and they are fitt to be vnderstood ; and that we walke with much circumspection ) and this is a trouble , which men receiue , from the defects , and faults , which they discerne , in others . For , the Diuel procures to make vs belieue , that this greif is entertained by vs , but only , because we would nor haue them offend Almightie God ; and that forsooth , we are troubled , because his honour is interessed thereby ; and then it comes presently in , that we would faine procure to redresse it ; and this care disquiets vs so much , that it hinders our Prayer ; yea and the greatest mischeif of all , is , that we thinke , that this is vertue , and perfection , and great zeale of God's seruice . I speake not of those afflictions , which publique Sinnes must giue , when they are vsually committed by a Community , or when they grow to be of preiudice to the Church ; as these Heresies doe , whereby we finde so manie Soules to be lost ; for this is a very good affliction , and trouble ; and , in regard , that it is so good , it disorders not , and disturbs not him , who hath it . But * the secure way , for that Soule , which desires to giue it self to Prayer , is to seek to forget , both all things , and all persons ; and to attend , to keep all reckonings streight with her self ; and so , to giue contentment to Almightie God. Now , this is both very conuenient , and important ; and if I should stand to tell you , what errours I haue seen fall-out to be committed , vpon the confidence , which men haue put in their good intentions , I should neuer make an end . Let vs therefore alwaies procure , to consider the vertues , and good workes , which we shall discerne in others ; and to shut our eyes , from seeing their defects , by the consideration of our owne great Sinnes . Now , this is a kinde of working , wherein , though we ariue not instantly , to doe it with perfection , yet we come thereby , to gaine a great vertue , which is , to hold euerie bodie better , then ourselues ; and we beginne , to get it , through the Fauour of Almightie God , whereof we haue need , in all things . For , whensoeuer that is wanting to vs , all other diligences , serue to little purpose ; and we must therefore humbly pray him , to bestow this grace , vpon vs , wherein certainly , he will not be wanting , if we be as carefull , as we ought . Let them also consider well of this aduise , who vse to discourse much , with the Vnderstanding ; and haue power to draw manie considerations , and conceipts , out of some one . For , as for them , who are not able to worke with this Facultie ( as I can not ) there is no cause of giuing them this aduise ; but only , that they will be content , to haue patience , till our Lord shall be pleased , to helpe them to matter , vpon which to worke ; and light , where with to know , how to doe it ; Since they are able , to performe so little , for themselues , as that their Vnderstanding part , doth rather giue them trouble , then help . But , returning now to such others , as are able to serue themselues of Discourse , they must take care , that their whole time , be not spent in that ; for , howsoeuer it be very meritorious , yet , conconsidering how sauourie a thing , they conceaue , that Mentall Prayer should be , they feare , that they shall neuer liue , to see Sunday , nor anie Season , wherein they are not to labour , and drudge ; and therefore , they presently thinke , that all their hopes are lost ; though , for my part , I conceaue , that all that Losse , is Gaine . But let them , * as I haue sayd , represent themselues , as in the presence of Christ our Lord ; and , without wearying of the Vnderstanding , be speaking , and regaling themselues , with him ; and not tire their witts , to finde out , and frame certaine Discourses ; but let them only present their necessities , and the reason , which he may haue , not so much as to endure them , there . Some one of these considerations will serue , at one time ; and some other , at an other ; that so the Soule may not be wearie , of feeding alwaies vpon one dish . These particulars , are both very gustfull , and very profitable also , if once the Partie be accustomed to feed on them ; for they vse to bring great support , and strength , for the life of the Soule , & manie aduātages also , otherwise . I will declare my selfe further vpon this matter ; because all these points , concerning Prayer , carrie their difficulties along with them ; and , vnlesse there be a good Directour , at hand , they are very hard to be vnderstood . And this is the verie cause , why , though I would faine make short , and that iustly , ( because it would suffice for me , but euen to touch them , by reason of the great capacitie of him , who commanded me to write these particulars , of Prayer , ) yet my dulnes , is not able to declare , & explicate , in few words , a thing , which it so much imports , to be well vnderstood . And , because I suffered so very much , by vsing only Bookes , when I beganne the exercise of Prayer , I haue compassion of all them , who doe so too ; for it is no lesse then strange , to see , how farr otherwise Bookes are wont to be vnderstood , then men see they ought to haue been , when once they come , to haue had experience of these things . But now ( to returne to what I was saying ) let vs put our selues , to consider some passage of the Passion of our Blessed Lord ; and , for example , let it be that , when he was tyed to the Pillar . And heer , let the Vnderstanding search-out the cause of those great dolours , and afflictions , which his Diuine Maiestie felt , in that Solitude of his ; as also , vpon manie other things , which , ( if the Vnderstanding be good at working ; or els , if he haue Learning ) he may easily be able , to fetch from thence . And this is a manner of Prayer , wherein all Creatures may both beginne , and proceed , and make an end ; and it will be a very excellent , and secure way , till our Lord , may , perhaps , carrie them on , to other things , which are supernaturall . I say , for all ; though yet there be manie Soules , which profit more , by other Meditations , then by that of the Sacred Passion . For , as there are manie Mansions in Heauen , when a Soule is there : so are there also manie wayes thither . Some , profit more , by considering Heauen ; and some , afflict themselues best , by thinking of Hell ; others , by reflecting vpon Death ; and some , if they be very tender-harted , are too much troubled , and vexed , if they alwaies goe ruminating vpon the Passion ; and they regale themselues better , yea , and they also profit more , by considering the Power , and Greatnes of Almightie God , in his Workes ; and the Loue , he beares vs ; which they finde to be represented to them , in all his Creatures . And this is an admirable way of proceeding , though yet still , we must neither forget , nor forbeare , to consider the Life , and Passion of our Blessed Lord , very often ; that , in fine , being the verie thing , from which , all our good , both euer did , and euer can ariue to vs. He , who is a Beginner , had need be carefull , to consider very well , what that is , whereby he profits most ; and to this purpose , he will haue great need of a Directour , if he can meet with an experienced man ; for if he be not so , in good measure , he may chance err , by carrying a Soule on , without either vnderstanding her , himself ; or els , giuing her to be vnderstood , by the Partie . For , as the Partie cannot but know , of how great merit it is , for him , to subiect himself to a Directour : so he will not presume , to depart from that , which the other shall direct . I haue mett with certaine Soules , which haue been afflicted , and deiected , and streightned , because he , who had the instructing them , wanted experience ; and I was hartily sorrie for them ; And some also I haue seen , who knew not , what to doe with themselues ; for they , not vnderstanding matter of Spirit , afflicted themselues , both in Bodie , and Soule ; and , the while , were sure enough , not to benefit others . One of them told me once , of a Directour of hers , who would not suffer her , in eight yeares togeather , to passe on , out of the consideration of the knowledge of her self ; and yet our Lord had her then , in the condition , and degree of Quiet Prayer ; but so , she was in trouble enough . And , though it be very true , that this point of the knovvledge of ones self , is neuer , indeed , to be vtterly giuen ouer ; nor is anie Soule in the way of Prayer , to thinke , she hath so much of the Gyant in her , as not to vnderstand , that manie times , she must turne Child , and suck againe ; and this must neuer be forgotten ; and perhaps , I shall also speake often of it againe , in regard , that it imports so much ; because there is no State of Prayer so high , wherein it will not be necessarie , to turne-againe often , to the beginning . And this point of the knowledge of our selues , and of our Sinnes , is the daily * bread , which must be eaten , with all the meate ( how delicate soeuer it may be ) of such , as are in this way of Prayer ; yea and without this verie bread , they will neuer be able , to support , and strengthen themselues ; yet must euen this , be taken , by weight , and measure . For , when once a Soule findes her self layd very flatt , and low ; and sees clearly , that she hath no good thing of her owne ; and findes her self to be full of confusion , and shame , so much as to appeare in the presence of so great a King ; and the little , which she is able to pay him , for the very much , which she findes her self , to owe him ; what necessitie is there , to spend so very much time , vpon this , without applying our selues to such other things , as our Lord may , perhaps , set before vs , and which it will not be reason for vs , to leaue ; since his Diuine Maiestie knowes better , then we , vpon what , it is conuenient for vs to feed . So that it imports vs very much , that the * Directour be well aduised , & I meane also , that he be of good vnderstanding , and experience ; and if , with this , he be also learned , it will be of mightie importance . But yet still , when all these three parts shall not chance , to meet togeather , in the same man , the two former qualities of these three , will fall out , to import more , then the third , because they may easily procure to consult with such as are learned , whensoeuer they shall haue need thereof ; but as for Beginners , learned men , if they possesse not the vse of Prayer , can be of little profit to them . Yet I say not , that they should not treat , and conferr with such men , as are learned ; for , as for hauing a Spirit , which should not be first setled in a way of truth , for my part , I had rather haue it without Prayer . For , Learning is a great matter , since it instructs vs , who know little ; and brings vs light ; and when we approach neer to the truths of Holie Scripture , we beginne to doe that , which we ought ; but as for sillie , and foolish deuotions , our Lord deliuer vs from them . I will declare my self yet better ; for I feare , I put my self vpon too manie things at once , though I euer wanted meanes , to know , how to giue my self to be well vnderstood , ( as I haue sayd ) but vpon the expence of manie words . A Religious Woeman , for examples sake , will beginne to vse Prayer ; and in case some sillie kinde of man , direct , and gouerne her , he will , if the toy take him in the head , giue her to vnderstand , that it is better for her , to obey him , then her Superiour ; yea , and he will doe it , without anie malice , at all ; as conceauing , that he is in the right . And now she being a Religious woeman , will be likelie enough , to thinke , that he sayes true . And if she be a married woeman , he will tell her , that it is best for her , euen when she ought to be about her House-hold businesses , to exercise her self in Prayer ; though it were to be , to the disgust of her husband . So that , she knowes not , how to dispose of her time , nor of her businesses , in such sort , as that all may goe , according to reason , and truth ; because , in fine , that Directour wants light ; and not hauing any himself , he cannot giue it to others , though he would neuer so faine . And though , in order to this end , it seem , that there is no great need of Learning ; yet as for me , my opinion both is , and euer will be , that all Christians shall doe well , to treat with such men , about their Soules , as are well learned ; and so much the more , so much the better ; and they , who goe by the way of Prayer , haue yet more need , then others , to meet with such men ; and so , the more they shall be also Spirituall , the better will it be for them , still . And let not folkes deceaue themselues , with saying , That , learned men , without the exercise of Prayer , are not to the purpose , for them , who vse Prayer ; for I haue dealt with manie ; and for some of these latter yeares , I haue endeauoured it the more , because then , I found my self in more necessitie . But I was euer , much a freind of learned men ; for , though some of them haue not experience , yet they hate not Spirituall people , nor are not ignorant , what these things meane ; because they euer find this truth , that there is such a thing , as a good Spirit , by holie Scripture , wherein they are continually versed . And , as for me , I hold , that a person , who exercises Prayer , and will treat with learned men , shall neuer be deceaued , by illusions of the Diuel , if he haue not a minde , to deceaue himself . For I belieue , that the Diuel is mightily afrayd of Learning , whensoeuer it is accompanied with Humilitie , and Vertue ; for he knowes , that he shall be discouered , in the end , and that so , he shall come to loose , by the bargaine . And now I haue sayd thus much , because I know , there are opinions , that learned men , are not fitt , for persons of Prayer , vnlesse they be also of Spirit . Already I haue signifyed , that it would be necessarie , to haue a Spirituall Directour ; but if he proue not to be learned , the inconuenience will be great ; & yet it will be of much help , to treat with learned men , so that they be vertuous ; for , though they be not Spirituall ( as , in this case , we vnderstād Spirituall ) they will yet , be able to benefit vs ; and God will vouchsafe to enable them , to teach vs ; yea , and so , may perhaps , by degrees , grow euen to make them also become Spirituall ; to the end , that they may be able , to instruct vs , the better . And I speake not this , without some tryall ; for , the occasion hath hapned to me , with more , then two . I say therefore , that if a Soule resolue to render it self , to be entirely subiect to the order of anie one Directour , she shall err very much , vnlesse she procure , in particular manner , that he be learned ; especially if he be a Religious man of anie Order . Because such an one , is to be subiect to his Prelate , or Superiour ; and in that case , peraduenture , all those three aforesayd parts , which were sayd to be so necessarie , for a Directour , will be wanting to him , which will be no little crosse to the Partie ; besides , that he may perhaps find himself , to haue voluntarily submitted his Vnderstanding , to that of another man , who hath no very good one , himself . At least , forasmuch as concernes me , I was neuer able , to bring my self to it ; nor indeed , doe I hold it conuenient . But now , if the Partie , of whome we speake , be a Secular person , let him blesse Almightie God , that himself may make choice of that man , to whome he will resolue to subiect himself ; and let him take care , not to loose this vertuous libertie . Nay , let him euen stay , without anie Directour at all , till he find a fitt one ; for , our Lord will not faile to prouide him such an one , if he goe wholy grounded in Humilitie , and with desire , to make a fitt choice . For my part , I praise a fitt Directour very much ; and woemen , and such men also , as are not learned , were alwaies to giue God infinit thankes , for that there are some , in the world , who take so great paines , and trouble , to obtaine the knowledge of truth ; whereof such as be not learned , are ignorant . And it amazes me , manie times , to see Religious men , who are learned ; and particularly to consider , with how much trouble , they grew to gaine all that knowledge , which is to bring me so much profit , without anie more trouble of mine , then only to aske them the question ; and yet , that we should not benefit our selues by it . But , let not God permit , that still it should continue , to be so . For I see them subiect , to the troubles , and mortifications of a Religious Life , which are very great ; with Pennances ; with ill Diet ; with hard Lodging ; with being subiect , in all things , to Obedience ; and , in fine , I so perceaue , that all is affliction , and all , Crosse , that really , the thought thereof , doth cast me sometimes , into confusion ; and , me thinkes , it must be a great miserie , that anie bodie should loose so important a benefit , by his owne fault . It is possible , that some of vs , who are free from these austerities , whereof I speake ( or at least , if we feed vpon them , we will needs haue them finely dressed , after our owne fancie , and so will liue , as we list ourselues ) conceaue , that , for the making a little more Prayer , we shall out-stripp them , who yet are subiect to so great Pennance . Blessed be thou , O Lord , who hast made me so vnprofitable , and vn-vsefull ; but yet , I praise thee , after an extraordinarie manner , in regard , that thou awakest so very manie , who may awake vs. And we should doe well , to make very continuall Prayer , for them , who giue vs light ; for , what would become of vs , without them , in the midst of so great tempests , as are now in the Church ? If some men haue been wicked ; the good will shine the brighter , by their meanes . I beseech our Lord , to hold them vp , with his hand , that he may help such , as help vs ; Amen . I haue trauailed farr out of the way , from that , which I was going to say ; but , all will serue the turne , for beginners ; to the end , that they may so , put themselues vpon this high way , that it may also proue to them , a true way . Returning therefore , to what I sayd , of * meditating vpon Christ our Lord at the Pillar , it is good to discourse a while , and to thinke , vpon the paine , which he felt there , and why he felt it ; and who it is , that felt it ; and the Loue wherewith he felt it ; yet let not the Partie wearie himself , by going about to seeke all this , but let him remaine still there , with a calme , and quiet kinde of vnderstanding . If he can , let him employ himself , vpon cōsidering , who lookes vpon him ; and let him accompanie him ; and beg of him ; and humble himself before him ; and regale himself with him ; and , in fine , let him remember , that our Lord deserued not to be there . Whensoeuer you shall be able to doe this , though it should fall out to be at the verie beginning of your Prayer , you will find great benefit by it ; nay , manie benefits are acquired , by this manner of Prayer ; and , at least , my Soule found it so . I know not , whether I hitt right , in declaring my self ; but your Reuerence will consider of that ; and I beseech our Blessed Lord , that I may hitt right , in euerlastingly pleasing him ; Amen . THE FOVRTEENTH CHAPTER . She beginnes to declare the Second Degree of Prayer , vvherein our Lord is already pleased , to giue the Soule more particular gusts ; vvhich she relates , to the end , that she may make them be vnderstood , to be Supernaturall . This Discourse is very much to be noted . SInce now it is already declared , with how much labour , this Orchard is watered ; and how , by the strength of the arme , the Water is to be gotten out of the Well ; we must say somewhat of that Second way , of drawing-vp this Water , which the Lord of the Garden hath ordained ; that so , by this artifice of the Wheele , with those little Buckets , which belong to it , the Gardner may draw out more water , and with lesse trouble ; and may be able , to rest , now and then ; and not be continually in labour . Now , this way being applyed to Prayer , which is wont to be called Quiet Prayer , is that , whereof now , I will treat . The Soule doth heer beginne , to recollect , and , as it were , shut it self vp . And it touches a little heer , vpon the Supernaturall ; because the Powers thereof , can , by no meanes , gaine this , for it self , by all the diligences , which it can possibly vse . It is true , that sometimes , she may seem to haue wearled her self , in going round about the Turne , and to haue laboured hard , with the Vnderstanding ; and so to haue filled-vp the little Bucketts ; but heer , the Water is growne-vp to be higher ; and so she labours much less , then she did , in drawing it out of the Well . I say , the Water is growne neerer to her ; because Grace giues it self now , to be more clearly knowne , by the Soule . This is a kind of recollecting , and , as it were , a shutting-vp of the Powers of the Soule , into her self , that so she may be able to enioy the contentment , which then , she hath , with more gust . But yet , the vse of the Faculties , is not lost , nor doe they sleep ; but only the Will is employed , and possessed , in such sort , that it is growne to be captiued , though yet it self know not how ; only it giues consent , that Almightie God may put it in Prison , as one , who vnderstands now , very well , how to let it self be made Prisoner , to whome it loues . O my deare Iesus , and my Lord ! of how much worth , is thy loue to vs , in this case , since it holds our loue fast , in so strong chaines , that it leaues vs not euen libertie , at that instant , to loue anie other thing , then thy self ? The other two Faculties , which are the Vnderstanding , and Memorie , are then assisting the Will ; to the end , that they may goe enabling it , to enioy so great a good ; although now and then , it happen , that , howsoeuer , they be euen thus vnited to the Will , they yet , are apt enough , sometimes , to dis-assist it , much . But in this case , let not the Will make any great account of that , but remaine still , in her quietnes , and ioy . For , * if she shall persist , in resoluing to recollect those other Faculties to herself , both they , and she , will loose , by the bargaine . For , they are then , as so manie Doues , who cōtent not themselues , with the food , or baite , which the Lord of the Doue-House presents , without their labouring for it ; but they goe to seek it , in other places ; though yet they soone grow to finde it so bad , that they quickly returne againe ; and so , come , and goe , to see , whether the Will , may be brought to bestow anie part of that , vpon them , which it enioyes . And , if our Lord please to cast them anie food , they stay ; and if not , they goe againe , to seeke it ; and all this while , they conceaue , that they are euen of vse , and benefit , to the Will it self ; though yet sometimes , both the Memorie , and Imagination ( euen whilst they haue a desire , to represent that , better to her , which she enioyes ) fall out to doe her hurt , in stead of good . Let her therefore be content , to carrie her self so , towards them , as I shall heer aduise ; since all that , which passes heer , is of extreame consolation , and is obtained with so little labour , that Prayer neuer wearies one heer , though it chance to last , very long ; because the Vnderstanding goes working now , at great leasure ; and walkes , as it were , foot by foot ; and brings-vp another manner of quantitie of water , then formerly , it drew out of the Well ; and the teares , which God giues , in this case , come already with very great ioy ; which , howsoeuer we feele , yet we procure them not . This * Water of the Well , which imports the great Blessings , and Fauours , which our Blessed Lord shewes vs heer , makes our vertues encrease , incomparably more , then that other of the former Degree of Prayer , did ; because now , the Soule is already beginning , to get vp away , from her owne miserie ; and already , she growes to be allowed , to haue some small notice , euen of the gusts of glorie . And this , I thinke , makes her thriue , and improue so much the more ; as also , because , by this time , she is growne to approach neerer to that vertue , and power , from whence all vertues proceed , which is Almightie God ; because his Diuine Maiestie doth not only then , communicate himself , to that Soule ; but he is also pleased , that she should find , in what sort it is , that he communicates himself to her . In ariuing once to this place , she instantly beginnes to loose the appetite of all things , concerning this world ; and I cannot blame her ; for already , she sees very clearly , that one moment of that gust , is not to be purchased heer ; and that no riches , nor dominions , nor all the honours , nor delights of this world , are able to giue such contentment , and satisfaction , as this , though it were but for the twinkling of an eye ; because this , is true contentment , and such an one , as we really see , and find , to content vs indeed . For , as for those others of this world , it may well goe for a wonder , if we can so much as tell , euen wherein the contentment of anie thing doth consist . Nor doth there euer faile to be a kind of measuring cast , between the Yea , and the No , in anie of them ; but heer , all is in the Affirmatiue , and professes to say Yea , as long as it lasts ; and the No , comes not in , till afterward ; because then , they see , that the busines is growne to be , at an end ; and that he cannot recouer it againe ; nor knowes , indeed , how to goe about it . For , though he should euen halfe kill himselfe with doing Pennance , and making much Prayer , and vse , in fine , all other possible diligences ; yet will it all serue to very little purpose , vnlesse our Lord vouchsafe to impart it . But , Almightie God is pleased heer , for his owne greatnes , that this Soule should now vnderstand , that his Diuine Maiestie , vouchsafes to be so neer her , that now , there is no need of sending anie messengers to her , but only , that she her self , may speake with him ; though yet , not by word of mouth , because then , he is already so neer her , that he vnderstands her ( as a man may say ) euen by the verie least stirring of her lipps . But now , it may chance seem to some , to be impertinent for me , to talke after this manner ; in regard , the world knowes well enough , that our Lord doth euer heare vs , & is euer present with vs ; and there can be no doubt at all , but that this is true . But yet heer , this Emperour , and Lord of ours , is pleased , that we should also vnderstand , that he vnderstands vs ; and what his presence is able to doe ; & what he will particularly beginne to worke in our Soules ; and the great , both interiour , and exteriour satisfaction , which he imparts ; and the mighty difference , which ( as I haue sayd ) there is , between this kind of delight , and gust , and all the other , of this world . For , this seemes euen to fill , all those hollow , and voyd places , which our Sinnes had made in our Soules . And this so great satisfaction , is in the very most intimate part thereof ; and she knowes not how , nor by what meanes also , it comes ; nay , manie times , she cannot tell , euen what to doe , nor what to aske , no nor what to wish . For , the Soule seemes there , to find all good things togeather ; and she doth not very well know , euen what she hath found ; nor yet , can I tell , how to giue it to be vnderstood . For there would heer , be need of Learning , for manie purposes ; and heer , would it come very well in , to giue to vnderstand , the difference , betwixt Generall , and Particular Helps , or Succours of Grace , whereof manie are ignorant . And our Lord , in this Prayer , is pleased , that our Soule should see this particular Succour , as it were , with her verie eyes ; and manie other things also , which may perhaps be ill declared heer , by me ; but , since vnderstanding persons are to see what I write , and who will know , if it haue anie errour in it ( wherein I may easily be found faultie enough , through want , both of Learning , & Spirit ) I am in the lesse paine , and care ; considering , that this goes into the hands of such , as will both vnderstand it , & will blott also anie such thing out , as may haue been ill sayd . Yet I would faine giue this to be vnderstood , because these , are the beginnings ; and when our Lord disposes himselfe first , to doe these Fauours , the Soule herself doth not vnderstand them ; nor doth she know , what to doe , with her self . For , if Almightie God conduct , and guide her , by the way of feare , as he did me , the trouble is very great ; vnlesse there be some at hand , who can vnderstand her . But then , it is a great gust for her , to see her self well described , by them ; for then , she euidently findes her self to be in that way ; and it is also of great benefit , to know , what one hath to doe , in anie of these States , or Degrees , that so , they may goe profiting , on . For my part , I endured much , and lost a great deale of time , because I did not know , how to carry my selfe . And therefore I haue very great compassion of those Soules , which find themselues alone , when they are come thus farre ; for though I haue read manie Spirituall Bookes , and though they touch vpon that , which is to the purpose , yet fall they very short , in declaring themselues ; and , vnlesse the Soule be very well exercised in Prayer , she shall haue enough to doe , to vnderstand them , though they seeke to expresse themselues , at large . I could very much desire , that our Lord would doe me the fauour , that I might know , how to set downe the effects , which these things , that grow already to be Supernaturall , vse to worke in the Soule ; to the end , that it might be vnderstood , by them , when it is the Spirit of God. I say , that it might be vnderstood ; according to what we can thinke , we vnderstand , in this world ; though it will alwaies be very well done , to goe on , with circumspection , and feare . For though it be indeed of God , yet the Diuel can tell , how to transforme himselfe sometimes , into an Angel of Light ; and , if a Soule be not well exercised in Prayer , she will not vnderstand it well ; and indeed , to be exercised well enough , to vnderstand this point , as it deserues , the Soule must be ariued , to the highest Degree of Prayer . The little time I haue , will allow mee no great help , for what I am designeing ; and therefore his Diuine Maiestie , had need to doe it himself ; for I must be stirring , vp , and downe , in the Communitie ; & haue manie other businesses to doe ; since I am , at this present , in a House , which is but beginning now , as I shall shew afterward ; and therefore , I am writing this , without anie such rest , and quiet kind of being , as were conuenient ; so that I must doe it , by little and little , and by fitts . But I could wish , I were now , at more leasure ; for , when our Lord giues a spirit , to doe a thing , it is easily , and much better set downe . And it seemes to be , as when one hath an Originall , before him ; and then he may easily take-out the Coppie . But , if the Spirit be wanting , there is no more power , and meanes , to make one word of this language suite well with an other , then if ( as we may say ) we would suite Spanish , and Turkish togeather , euen though we should haue exercised our selues , manie yeares , in Prayer ; and therefore , me thinkes , it is of very great aduantage , when I write , if I be then , in state of Prayer ; for I see clearly , that it is not I , who declare it , nor who doe either order it then , with my Vnderstanding , nor yet know afterward , how I declared it before ; and this happens to me , very often . But now , let vs goe-back to our Orchard , or Garden , and see , how these Trees beginne to button , and budd-out towards flowring , that they may afterward yeild fruit ; and how these Gillie-flowers , and other odoriferous Plants , dispose themselues , to giue delight full Sent to the Owner . I confesse , that this Comparison regales , and pleases me much ; for , manie times , in my beginnings ( and I humbly beseech our Lord , that euen yet , I may haue been a beginner , to serue his Diuine Maiestie ) I say , in those beginnings of that , which I shall say afterward , of my Life , it was of much delight to me , to consider , that my Soule was a Garden , and that our Lord walked in it , vp , and downe ; and I humbly pray him , to encrease the odour of those little young Flowers of Vertue , which shewed , in all apparance , that they would be glad , to find meanes to sprout ; and that also , they might serue , for his Glorie ; and that he would be pleased to sustaine them , since I desire nothing for my self ; and that he would also dresse , and prune as manie of them , as he pleased ; for already , I knew well enough , that they would thriue , and grow the better , afterward . I say , that he would cut , and prune them ; in regard , that some such times ariue , now , and then , to the Soule , as wherein there is no apparance left of this Garden , at all ; but then , all seemes to be withered , and dry , and that there neuer will come more Water , to sustaine it ; yea , and that there also seemes , to haue neuer been anie vertue , in that Soule . In this case , it vndergoes great affliction ; because our Lord is pleased , that the poore Gardner may cōceaue , that all that care is lost , which he had formerly employed , vpon sustaining , and improuing his Garden . But then comes-in the time , of true plucking-vp , and rooting-out , all those little , paltrie hearbes , which , till then , had remained there , how little soeuer they might be ; with making vs also know , that no diligence of ours will serue , if Almightie God take the Water of his Grace , from vs ; that so , in fine , we may come to hold this poore miserable Nothing of ours , in no manner of account ; yea , and , if the thing were possible , euen for lesse then Nothing . For heer , great Humilitie makes vs the gainers , since the Flowers will thus , grow to reflourish . O thou , my Lord , and my God! ( for I know not , how to say this , without teares , and without a great Regalo , to this poore Soule of mine ) is it possible , O my Lord , that thou art pleased to be thus amongst vs ? Yea , and thou remainest in the B. Sacrament , which may well be , with all truth , belieued , because so it is ; and we may , with much truth , make this Comparison ; and , if it be not through our owne fault , we may enioy our selues , togeather with thee ; yea , and thou dost also reioyce to be with vs , since thou declarest , That it is thy delight , to be vvith the Children of men . O my Lord , what is this ? For , whensoeuer I heare but this word , it is to me , of great consolation ; yea and was so , when I found my self in the worst condition . But is it possible , after this , O my deare Lord , that there should be , in the whole world , anie one Soule , which ariuing to receaue such Fauours , and Regalo's at thy hands , and vnderstanding , that thou reioycest so highly in her , should yet returne to offend thee , after the receauing of so manie Fauours , and so great demonstrations of the loue , thou bearest her ; in such sort , as that they cannot possibly be doubted , since the effects doe so manifestly declare it . Yes , yes , it is most certaine , that there is such a Soule in the world , which hath offended thee ; and that , not once , but often ; yea , and I am this verie Soule . And I beseech thy Diuine Goodnes , O my Lord , that I may haue been , the onlie Creature , who euer committed so high a wickednes , and who haue been guiltie , of such an excessiue ingratitude against thee ; though yet already , euen from this verie miserie of mine , thy infinite goodnes , hath been able to draw some aduantage ; yea , and euen by how much the ill hath been greater , the great benignitie of thy Mercies hath shined so much the more . But now , with how much reason , may I resolue to celebrate them , for all eternitie ? I most humbly beseech thee , O my God , that it may be so ; and that I may sing praises to thee , for euer , since now , thou hast vouchsafed to shew thy goodnes so highly , and so greatly , to me , that such as see it , are amazed ; and , as for me , they carrie me very often , euen out of my self . And , if I should once finde , that I were depriued of thee , I could be fitt , O my Lord , for nothing , but to returne , to be such a kind of Garden , as that the Flowers being plucked-vp , yet once againe , this miserable earth of mine , would returne to be a direct Dung-hill , as it was , before . To the end therefore , that I may praise thee the better , permitt not , I beseech thee , O my Lord , that this Soule may euer grow to be lost , which thou hast bought with so manie afflictions of thine owne ; and which thou hast so often repurchased , againe , and againe , and taken , from out of the verie teeth , of that hideous Dragon of Hell. I beseech your Reuerence , excuse me , for speaking thus , from the purpose ; and doe not wonder at it , since it is , at least , to mine owne purpose , to speake as I doe . For , it happens , according to those apprehensions , and reflections , which the Soule chances to make , when one writes . And sometimes , it falls-out to be hard enough , to forbeare to celebrate the praises of Almightie God , when it happens , that the penn represents such things , as expresse the high obligations , which we haue to his Diuine Maiestie . And I belieue , that this , will be , no way , displeasing to your Reuerence ; for I am of opinion , that we may , both of vs , doe very well , to sing one Song , though yet , after a different manner ; because it is much more , which I owe to Almightie God , then you ; in regard , that he hath pardoned me more Sinnes , as your Reuerence knowes very well . THE FIFTEENTH CHAPTER She prosecutes her Discourse of the same matter ; and giues some aduise , hovv persons are to carrie themselues , in this kinde of Quiet Prayer . She treats , hovv manie Soules come to ariue to this Degree of Prayer ; and that fevv passe beyond it . The particulars , vvhich are touched heer , are not only very profitable , but very necessarie . LEt vs now returne to our purpose . This Quietnes , and Recollection of the Soule , is easily perceiued , by the satisfaction , and peace , which is infused into her , with a very great contentment , and calmnes of the Powers of the sayd Soule , togeather with a very great delight . And now it seemes to her ( because she is not come yet anie further ) that already she hath nothing left to desire ; and that , with a very good will , she could make the same suite with S. Peter , That her aboade might be euer there . She dares not stirr , or moue ; nay she would hardly giue her self leaue , so much as to take her breath , for feare , least so , that Good should be flying away , out of her hands , And the while , the poore , little Soule vnderstands not , that , as , by her owne power , she could doe nothing , for the drawing of that good to her self : so is she of lesse abilitie , to detaine it there , anie longer , then our Lord shall be pleased to grant it . I haue already declared , that in this first Recollection , and Quiet , the Powers , and Faculties of the Soule , are not wanting ; but yet she is so fully satisfyed with God , that , as long , as this occasion lasts , howsoeuer those two other Powers may discompose themselues , yet , the Will remaining vnited with Almightie God , that Quiet , and calme rest , is not lost , but rather , by little and little , the Will againe recouers , and recollects the Vnderstanding , and Memorie . For , howsoeuer the sayd Will be not yet totally ingulfed , yet is she so employed , without knowing how ; that , how diligent soeuer they be , they know not how to depriue her , of her contentment , and ioy ; but rather she goes helping her self , without anie trouble at all , of her owne ; to the end , that this little sparke of the Loue of Almightie God , may not be quenched in her . I beseech our Lord to allow me grace , that I may giue this , to be well vnderstood ; for , there are manie , and very manie Soules , which ariue to be in this Degree , or State ; and few , which get beyond it ; and I know not , who may be in fault thereof ; only I am sure enough , that there is none , in Almightie God. For , since his Diuine Maiestie doth a Soule the Fauour , that she may be able to ariue to this point , I cannot beleiue , that he would cease , to carrie her much further , if it were not for some fault of her owne . But now it imports the same Soule very much , that , when she ariues thus farre , she may well vnderstand the great dignitie , wherein she is ; and the great Fauours , which our Lord hath donne her ; and how , in all good reason , she were no longer to be , as of the Earth ; because it seemes now already , that his goodnes makes her an Inhabitant of Heauen , if it be not her fault ; and wretched shall she be , if she turne back ; and I belieue , it would be then , to goe downe , low enough , whither I was going , if the mercie of our Lord had not made me turne yet back againe . For the most part , in my opinion , they giue ouer , for very greiuous faults of their owne ; nor is it possible , for anie Creature , to quitt so great a good , without the * blindnes of being subiect to committ some very great ill . And therefore I humbly beseech those Soules , euen for the loue of our Lord , to whome his Maiestie hath done so great a Fauour , as to make them able to reach this Degree , and State , that they will know themselues ; yea , and that they will hold themselues in great account , with an humble , and holie presumption , that so , they may neuer returne againe , to the Flesh-Potts of Egipt . And yet , that if through their weaknes , and wickednes , and through their naughtie , and miserable condition , they should chance to fall back , as I did , they will euer be yet representing to themselues , the great good , which they haue lost ; and that also , they will grow into suspicion of themselues , and walke along with Feare ; as they haue really , great cause , to be afrayd . And , if they returne not to Prayer , they will be sure to goe from bad , to worse ; for , this * indeed doe I call a true Fall , when one comes once , to abhorre that verie way , whereby they purchased so great a good ; and it is with such Soules , that I am speaking , now . For I say not , that Soules will neuer offend God , nor that they will neuer committ anie Sinne ; though yet still , it were but reason , that whosoeuer had begunne to receaue such Fauours , as these , should be very carefull , to keep themselues , from committing anie . But , in fine , we are miserable Creatures ; and that , which I aduise very earnestly , is , that they will not giue-ouer their Prayer ; for there , shall they come to know , what they are doing ; and there , shall they gaine sorrow , for hauing left our Lord ; and strength , to rise againe . And let that Soule beleiue , ( and let her doe it home ) that if she depart from Prayer , she growes , in my opinion , to runne great hazard . I know not , whether I hitt right , in what I say ; but , at least , I iudge of others , by my self . But now , in the meane time , this kinde of Prayer , is a certaine Sparke of the Fire of that true Loue , which our Lord beginnes to kindle in a Soule ; and his pleasure also is , that the same Soule shall goe vnderstanding , what kinde of thing this Loue is , and what kinde of great Regalo , and delight , it brings . This Quiet , and Recollection , and little Sparke , if indeed it be of the Spirit of God , and not a gust , either giuen by the Diuel , or yet procured by our selues ; ( though yet still , one , who hath experience , cannot possibly but vnderstand , at the verie instant , that it is no such thing , as can be acquired ; saue that , euen in our verie Naturall condition , we are so greedie of all that , which is sauourie , that we will needs tast of all ) but if as I sayd , it be of the Diuel , we quickly grow againe , to be very cold . And , how much soeuer we our selues , may beginne to make this Fire also burne , for the procuring of this gust , we seem to haue indeed a minde , to doe no other busines heerby , then to cast-on water enough , to quench it . whereas , if , in verie deed , this little Sparke were of Diuine Loue , and were conveyed by Almightie God , into the Soule , how small , and poore soeuer it be , it would find some shift , or other , to make a mightie noise . And if the Soule doe not quench it , by her owne fault , this proues that verie thing , which beginnes to make a huge kinde of fire ; and sends forth , great flames from it self ( as I shall declare in fitt place ) of that mighty loue of God , which his Diuine Maiestie is gratiously pleased , that perfect Soules should enioy . And this verie Sparke , is a certaine kinde of signe , and euen pawne , which his Diuine Maiestie giues to that Soule , to shew that he chooses her out , for great things , if she will make her self fitt to receaue them . I say , this is a mighty guift , yea and farre greater , then I am anie way able to expresse . And it is matter of much greife to me , that ( as I was saying ) I know manie Soules , which ariue thus farre , and that yet , there are so very few , which passe further , ( at least , as they ought to passe ) that I am euen ashamed to confesse it . I say not , that there are so very few , who passe on ; for it may very well be , that there are manie ; for God doth not sustaine vs for nothing ; but I only speake of such , as I haue seen . For my part , I would earnestly wish them , not to hide their Talent , since , it seemes , Almightie God chooses them out , for the profit of manie others ; and especially in these times , when it is so necessarie , that his Diuine Maiestie should haue strong freinds , to support , and vphold such , as are weake . And let them all , who finde , that they haue receaued this great Fauour , at our Lord's hands , esteem themselues for strong , if they know , how to correspond well , with the lawes , which a firme , and fast freindship , euen of this verie world , requires . And if they will not , let them apprehend very much , and feare , that they shall doe themselues a great deale of hurt ; yea , and I pray God , that it may be to none , but themselues . That , * which the Soule is to doe , in these times of enioying this Quiet , is but only , * that with suauitie , and without noyse , she employ the Will to vnderstand , with much calmnes , and discretion , that the Soule is not to negotiate with Almightie God , by the strength of the Arme. I call it noyse , if the Vnderstanding goe seekingout manie words , and considerations , to giue thanks for this benefit ; and to make vp , a mightie heape of her defects , and sinnes , to shew , that she deserues not this Fauour . For all , is in motion now ; and the Vnderstanding represents many things to vs ; and the Memorie is boyling vp ; and really , these Powers of the Minde , are wont to giue me trouble enough , at times ; and , in regard that I haue but a weake Memorie , I cānot , in these cases , subdue them . But those other considerations , and mentall discourses , be indeed no better , then as so manie great loggs of wood , which are layd , with small discretion , vpon that little Sparke of fire , to quench it . And therefore let her know , and say , with great humilitie : O Lord , what am I able to doe heer ? What hath this Seruant , or Slaue , to doe , with the Lord of Heauen , and Earth ? Or els , she may vse such other words , as shall present themselues then , in the way of Loue. But note heer , that she must be very , very well grounded , vpon knowing that to be true , which she saith . Now , as for that , which concernes the Vnderstanding , let the Soule consider it , no otherwise , then meerly , as if it were a Miller ; and , if she will needs giue it part of that , which she enioyes , or shall labour to recollect it also to her self , she will find , that it is not , to proue well with her . For , manie times it is seen , that , during this Vnion , and repose , or rest , in the Will , the Vnderstanding is still much out of order ; and , if the Will cannot be be able to arrest it , it is better , to let it alone , then that she should still goe hunting after it ; I say , the Will. But let it remaine enioying that Fauour , and be recollected , and shut-vp in it self , like a wise * Bee ; for , if no one of the Bees , should goe into the Hiue , but all , be gadding abroad , so to be still ferching one another home , there would little store of hony be made . And so , a Soule will loose very much , if she be not well aduertised of this ; and especially , if the Vnderstanding be quick , and sharp . For , if once such an one , beginne to put discourses in order , and light vpon some prettie reasons , to the purpose , she will , if they be handsomly sayd , beginne to thinke , that shee performes , some great exploit . But , the discourse , which is to be vsed heer , must be a knowing clearly , and confessing plainely , that there is no other reason at all , why Almightie God should euer doe vs so great a Fauour , then his owne onlie goodnes ; and to consider , that we are now approached so neer to him ; and to begg Fauours of him ; and to beseech him also , for his Church , and for all such , as haue recommended themselues to vs ; and so also , for the Soules in Purgatorie ; and this , not by the noise of words , but only by a feeling desire , to be heard , by his Diuine Maiestie . This is a Prayer , which comprehends very much ; and we shall obtaine more thereby , then by multiplying much rowling discourse , by way of the Vnderstanding . But let the Will stirr-vp her self , by some reasons , which will easily represent themselues to her then , when she findes her self to be so very much improued ; to quicken-vp her Loue , and to make her performe certaine amourous acts , of how great things she would be glad to doe for one , to whome she owes so verie much ; without admitting , and permitting , as I sayd , that the vnderstanding part , should make a noise , in the search , and pretence , of doing high and mightie matters . For heer , anie few , little , poore strawes , presented , and offered-vp with Humilitie ( and they may be sure enough , to be strawes , if we bring them ) will make a great deale more , to the purpose , and will help to kindle a good fire more quickly , then a great deale of bigg loggs of wood , will be able to doe . I meane , reasons , which , in our opinion , shall be very sure , to quench , and put-out the fire , euen in the turning of a hand . This is good for learned men , who command me to write all this ; for , through the goodnes of God , it may be hoped , that all of them ariue hither ; and it might perhaps , so happen amongst them , that this time would passe away , in applying some places of Scripture . But though that kinde of knowledge could not faile to be vsefull to them , both before such occasions as these , and also after , yet , at these verie times of Prayer , there would be little occasion , to vse it , in my opinion ; vnlesse they had a minde , to coole the feruorous employment of the Will. For , the Vnderstanding findes it self then , to possesse such an excessiue kind of claritie , by being so neer to Light it self , that euen I ( with being so poore , and miserable , as I am ) seem to be another kinde of Creature . And it is most certainly true , that it hath hapned to me , being in this kind of Quiet , and without vnderstanding , in effect , anie thing of the Prayers , which are recited , in Latin , and especially of the Psalter , that not only I vnderstand the Verse in Spanish , but I passe also , yet further on , and delight my self highly , in considering , what the meaning of that Spanish , is . I speake not heer , of what it might import , if such persons were to preach , or teach others ; for then it would be fitt to serue themselues , of that aduantage , towards the assisting of their neighbours to that good ; and to help also poore people , who know very little , like me . For , Charitie is a very great matter ; and so is this helping soules forward ; so that alwaies , it be done , purely , for God. But now , in these times of possessing this great Quiet , let the Soule be suffered to remaine in rest , with her true repose , and let Learning be layd aside ; for , time will come afterward , when it will fall-out to be held , in so high account , that they would by no meanes , haue missed that treasure of knowledge , if it were but only , for the power it giues them , to doe more , and better seruice , to his Diuine Maiestie ; for it assists very much , in order to that excellent end . But yet belieue me still , that , in the presence of that Infinit Wisdome , a very little attention to exercise Humilitie , & one single act of that vertue , is more worth , then all the knowledge of the whole world . For heer , there is no roome , for disputing of Questions , or arguing Cases , but only to know with truth , and plainenes , what we are ; & to represent our selues , with great simplicitie , in the sight of Almightie God ; who desires , that the Soule should make her self , as very ignorant , and sillie , as , in verie deed , she is , when once she comes to appeare in his presence ; since his Diuine Maiestie descends so much below himself , as to endure her , neer his owne person ; all we , being that , which we are . The Vnderstanding will also moue it self heer , to giue certaine thankes to Almightie God , which may be handsomely ordered , and composed ; but the Will , with a certaine kinde of Quiet and peace , and with a not daring , like the Publican of the Gospell , so much as lift-vp her eyes , payes yet more retribution of thankes , then the Vnderstanding , perhaps , knowes how to doe , with reuoluing all the Rhetorick , in the world . But , in fine , we are not totally , in this case , to forbeare to make Mentall Prayer ; no , nor yet sometimes , to vse some Vocall Words , if we will , and can . And I say , can ; because if the Quiet be great , and deep , they will hardly enough be able to speake , without making it cost them much paine . In * my opinion , we may well vnderstand , when this is of the Spirit of Almightie God ; and when it happens to be procured , by our selues , though it be vpon a beginning of that deuotion , which God giues vs. For , when , as I haue sayd , wee will needs resolue our selues , of our selues , to procure to passe on , to this possessing the Quiet of the Will , it vses to worke no good effect , at all ; but quickly ends , and leaues nothing but drynes , behind it . And , if it chance to proceed from the Diuel , a Soule , which is exercised in this kind , will , I belieue , grow easily to vnderstand it ; for , in that case , it will leaue a certaine kind of disquiet , and little affection to Humilitie , and an vntoward disposition , in order to the producing of those effects , which the Spirit of Almightie God , is wont to breed ; nor doth it also leaue , either light , in the Vnderstanding , or a constant loue of truth , in the Will. And this , will doe a Soule , either very little hurt , or none at all , if she direct , and addresse the suauitie , and delight , which then she feeles , to the glorie of Almightie God ; and , if she lodge her thoughts , and desires , vpon him , as I haue formerly aduised , the Diuel will gaine little , by the bargaine . Nay , rather Almightie God will so dispose of things , that he shall loose much , euen by that verie delight , which he causes in her Soule ; for , this verie delight , shall be a meanes , to make that Soule , which conceaues , that it proceeds from God , to come againe , often to Prayer , with desire to receaue more delight , Or els , if the Soule be very humble , and not withall , very curious , nor very much interessed , in taking delights ( though euen they be spirituall ) but be indeed , a true friend to the Crosse , she will make very little account of anie gust , which the Diuel can giue her ; which yet she shall neuer be able to doe , if , indeed , it be the Spirit of God ; for , in that case , she will euer be sure , to hold it , in verie high account . Now , when the Diuel propounds such a busines , ( since he is all , made of Lyes ) whensoeuer he sees a Soule abase , and humble her self , by meanes of that delight , and gust , which she receaues ( for , indeed , we are to haue very great care , to procure to proue very humble , vpon all the occasions of Prayer , and gusts ) the Diuel will not returne to tempt vs very often , when he cōsiders , how much he looses , by the endeauour . For this reason , and vpon manie other considerations , did I aduertise , in the First Degree , and State of Prayer ( which answers to the First way of drawing Water , in the Garden ) that it is a * principall busines , when the Soule is entring first , vpon Prayer , to beginne to vntye her self , from the desyre of all kinde of sensible contentment ; and to enter vpon this onlie resolution , to help our Lord IESVS , to carrie his Crosse ; like good Caualliers , who are resolued to serue their King without wages , since they are so sure of him , as they are . And we are also , still to carrie our eyes , vpon that true , and euerlasting Kingdome , which we procure to acquire . It is a very great point , to haue this euer in view , and especially in the beginnings ; for afterwards , it is seen so very clearly , that it may rather be fitt , to forget it ; to the end , that we may be able euen to liue , then procure to be remembring , that the world is to last very little ; and that all , in fine , is nothing ; and that heer , the ease and rest , which we can haue , is to be esteemed for nothing . This may seem to be a very poore , and base consideration ; and so indeed it is ; for they , who haue proceeded to more perfection , would take it for an affront , and would euen blush , and be ashamed amongst thēselues , if they thought , they forsooke the goods of this world , because they must come once , to haue an end . For , although those goods were to last alwaies , they would yet reioyce to leaue them , for the loue of our Lord ; and still the more perfect they were , they would reioyce so much the more ; yea , & the more also would they reioyce , the longer they belieued , they were to last . In these men , this Loue , is already growne-vp to strength ; and it is this , which workes most ; but for such , as are but Beginners , it is a point of highest importance ( and they must , by no meanes , hold it for low ) to be content , to leaue all gusts , for God. For , the benefits , which are gained by this cōsideration , are great ; and therefore doe I aduise it so much . Nay , euen those others , who are most eleuated , and accomplished in Prayer , will haue need also of such considerations , as these . And there are times , when Almightie God will try them ; nay it will seem , as if this Diuine Maiestie would forsake them . For ( as I haue sayd already , and I would faine not haue it be forgotten ) the Soule in this life , which we liue , encreases not , as the Bodie doth ; though yet we say it doe ; and really , it doth encrease ; but yet a Child , after he is growne , and become tall , and proues to be already a man , returnes not to decrease againe , and to haue a little bodie . Yet now , in the point of a Soule , our Lord will haue it be otherwise , by what I haue seen of my self ; for I know it not , in respect of others ; and it ought to humble vs , for our owne greater good , and to the end also , that we may not be negligent , as long as we shall be in this bannishment ; since he , who is highest in vertue , shall doe well , to feare himself most , and to trust himself , least . The times , perhaps , may come , when euen they , who haue their Will , so conforme to the Holie Will of Almightie God , that they would rather be tormented , and endure a thousand deaths , then swarue from it , shall doe well , to be in doubt , that euen they , may grow to fall , into some great offence of his Diuine Maiestie . And so , there are certaine times , when they shall see themselues so assaulted by temptations , and persecutions , that , to the end , they may not commit grosse sinnes , they will haue need to serue themselues , of the First Defensiue weapons of Prayer ; and returne to remember , and consider , that all the world , is finally to end ; and that there is a Heauen , and a Hell ; and to vse such considerations , as these . But now , returning to what I was saying , a great foundation it is ( for being freed from the subtle enterprises , and gusts , which the Diuel is wont to giue ) to beginne with a firme * purpose , at the verie first , to walke in the way of the Crosse ; and to desire no such thing , as gusts ; since our Lord himself shewed this way of perfection ; by saying : Take thou vp thy Crosse , and follovv me . For he is to be our Patterne ; and whosoeuer shall follow his counsels , and that , for no other reason , then to content him , may be sure , that he shall haue nothing to feare . And by the spirituall profit , which they shall finde in themselues , they will easily come to know , that the Diuel had no hand therein ; and though they should euen returne to fall againe , there will yet remaine one signe , that our Lord had been there : which is , That they will quickly rise againe ; besides these others , which I shall now declare . When it is the Spirit of Almightie God , there will be no need at all , to goe in Quest , and Sent , after certaine reasons , to draw humilitie , and confusion , from thence . For , our Blessed Lord himself , is wont to impart it , in those cases , after a very different manner , from that , which our selues can procure , by anie prettie little considerations of our owne ; all which , are nothing , in comparison of a certaine true * Humilitie , that comes along with a light , which our Lord instructs vs in , heer ; and which breeds such a reall confusion in vs , as euen doth ētirely defeat vs. And the knowledge , which Almightie God is wont to giue vs , to the end , that we may perfectly vnderstand , that we haue no good at all , of our selues , is a thing very sufficiently perceaued ; and still , so much the more , as we receaue the higher Fauours , from his hands . It also imparts to a man , a very great desire , to proceed in Prayer ; and he will not giue it ouer , for anie trouble , which may possibly succeed to him . He offers himself , and is readie to endure all things . He hath also a kind of assured hope , that he shall be saued ; though yet still , not without humilitie , and feare . By this time , he also instantly forsakes all kind of seruile feare , of his Soule ; and it giues a great deale of growth , to a Filiall feare , in stead thereof . He sees , that now he beginns to beare a certaine loue , towards Almightie God , which is farre from anie interest of his owne ; & he couets to get times for Solitude , that so , he may haue the better oportunitie , to enioy that good . In fine , ( that I may not wearie my self too much ) this is a direct beginning , of all good things ; a State , wherein the Flowers are now vpon the verie point , to blossome . And all this , the Soule sees very clearly ; and can , by no meanes , at that time , conceaue , but that God was , and will be with her , till such time , as she shall returne , to find her self guiltie of faylings , and imperfections , towards him ; for , in that case , she feares all things ; and it is fitt , that she doe so . Though yet , there are * Soules in the world , to which it proues more vsefull , to beleiue , for a most certaine truth , that they are well with Almightie God ; then all the feares of the world , are able to giue them . For , if the Soule , in her self , be apt to be enamoured , and gratefull , the memorie of that great Fauour , which God did her , will be of more power , to make her returne , to his Diuine Maiestie , then all the torments of Hell , which they can possibly be euer able to represent . At least ( as wicked , as I am ) it hapned after this manner , to me . Now , as for the signes of a good Spirit , I will speake of them heerafter , more at large ; for now I cannot doe it , since it costs me so much trouble , of manie kindes , to get them written our , faire ; and I belieue , that , with the fauour of our Lord , I may be able to hitt right , in this kinde ; for , ( besides the experience , which I haue , whereby I came to vnderstand manie things ) I know somewhat , by meanes of some learned men , who , indeed , are very learned ; and of some person 's also , who are very holie ; to whome it is great reason , to giue beleif . And therefore , let not other Soules be so very much afflicted , and vexed , as I haue been ; when once , through the goodnes of Almightie God , they shall be come on , so farre , as to find themselues in this State. THE SIXTEENTH CHAPTER . She treats of the Third Degree of Prayer , and goes declaring some very high points ; and vvhat a Soule , vvhich ariues thus farre , may be able to doe ; and vvhat effects , these so great Fauours of our Lord , are accustomed to vvorke . The sense heerof , is very fitt , to raise the Spirit high , in the praises of Almightie God ; and it is also of great consolation , for the Soule , vvhich ariues to this State. LEt vs now come to speake of the Third Water , wherewith this Garden is watered ; for , this , is a running Water of a Riuer , or Spring ; and it waters it with much lesse labour ; though yet the distribution thereof , causes some . Our Lord will heer so help the Gardner , that , in some sort , he will be , as it were , the Gardner himself , and , in effect , the Doer of all . This is a sweet repose , or sleep of all the Powers , which are yet neither totally lost , nor yet doe they know , how they worke . This gust , and delight , and suauitie , is greater , beyond all comparison , then the former ; for , the Water of this grace , gets-vp to the verie throat of the Soule ; in such sort , that now it cannot goe forward ; nor knowes , how to doe it ; nor yet would , by anie meanes , returne backward ; but enioyes an excessiue kinde of glorie . It is , as when a man is already , with the Holie * Candle , in his hand ; so that now , there wants very little , of dying ; but it is of that verie death , which is desired ; for she is enioying the greatest delight , that can be imagined , in that agonie of hers ; and me thinkes , it is no other thing , then euen to dye , as it were , entirely , to all the things of this world , and to be enioying Almightie God. For my part , I can thinke of no other tearmes , wherewith to expresse it , or declare it ; nor knowes the Soule , at that time , what to doe ; nor , whether she should speake , or be silent ; or laugh , or weep . * It is a glorious kinde of Frensie ; and a Celestiall kinde of Follie , where yet , true wisdome is learnt ; and it is a most delightfull manner of enioying , for the Soule , in a Superlatiue Degree . It is true that it may be about some fiue , or six yeares , since first our Lord vouchsafed to allow me this kinde of Prayer , often , and in great abundance ; and that I neither did , either perfectly vnderstand it , nor yet can exactly declare it ; and for my part , I made account , when I was come hither , that I could say , either little , or nothing . And yet I well vnderstood , that this was not an entire Vnion of all the Powers of the Soule ; and yet still , that it was clearly more , then might be found in the former Degree of Prayer ; and yet withall , I must euer confesse , that I could not tell , how to know , and much lesse exactly determine , what this differēce was . But I well belieue , that , for the humilitie , which your Reuerence hath shewed , in being desirous to help your self , by so great a simplicitie , as mine , our Lord gaue me this Prayer , this day , immediatly after my receauing the B. Sacrament ; yet without my being able , to goe forward . And he put these Comparisons into my head , and taught me the manner , how to expresse them , and what the Soule is to doe , in these cases ; and really , I was amazed at it ; for , I vnderstood all this busines , at an instant . Manie times , I was , as it were , out of my self , and as if I had been euen inebriated with this loue ; and yet I could neuer vnderstand , how it was . Only I knew very well , that it was God ; but I could not tell the manner , how he wrought in me , at that time . For it is the verie truth , that the * Powers are , as it were , all vnited , though yet not so ingulfed , but that still they worke ; and I haue been extreamly ioyed , that , at length , I am come to vnderstand it ; and Blessed be our Lord for euer , who hath regaled me , in so high a degree . These Powers haue only now abilitie , to busie themselues totally , vpon Almightie God ; nor doth it seem , that anie of them now , euen dares so much as houer , or stirre , not , as it were , breath , if we doe not diuert our selues then , with great endeauour ; yea and euen so , me thinkes , we can scarce doe it entirely , at that time . A multitude of words , are conceaued heer , by the Soule , in praise of our Lord ; but yet so , as that they are without anie order , vnlesse our Lord himself be pleased , to order them ; for , at least , the Vnderstanding serues heer , for nothing . The Soule would faine cry out , in praise of Almightie God ; & she is then , in such condition , as that she knowes not , how to cōtaine her self . This is now , a very fauourie kinde of disquiet ; and now , yea euen very now , the Flowers open themselues , to blossome ; and already doe they beginne , to yeild their odour . And heer the Soule would be glad , that all the world might be able to see , and vnderstand her glorie , that so , Almightie God might be praised ; and that they might be able to assist her therein ; and that she might giue them part of her ioy ; as not knowing , how to enioy it all , her self . Me thinkes , she is now , to be like her , of the Ghospel , who had a minde , to call-in all her Neighbours . Or els , like , the admirable Spirit of the Royall Prophet Dauid who might feele some such thing in himself , as this , when he played vpon his Harpe , and sung , in honour , and praise of Almightie God. I find my self very much deuoted , to this Glorious King ; and I wish , that all the world were so ; especially all we , who are Sinners . O my deare Lord ; what kind of thing , is a Soule , when she findes her self in such a condition ; as this ? She would faine become , all Toung , to praise our Lord. She vtters a thousand holie impertinencies ; but yet , she doth euer endeauour to hitt right , in pleasing him , who holds her there , in that manner . I know of a certaine person , who , though she were no Poet , yet instantly did she happen to make certaine Verses , all , extempore , which were very significant in the way of complaint , & declared her paine very well , though they were not made , by her owne Vnderstanding , alone ; but , for the better enioying that glorie , which gaue her so delightfull a paine , she complained thereof , to her God. She wishes , that she might be all torne in pieces , both in Bodie , and Soule , to shew the ioy she findes , to feele this paine . What tormēts could then , be set before her , which then , she would not be glad to endure , for the loue of our Lord ? She clearly sees , that the Martyrs did very little , on their parts , when they suffered torments ; for , the Soule knowes then , very well , that her strength comes to her , by some other way , then from her self . But now , what will she feele , when she comes back , to employ her witts , vpon knowing how to liue againe , in this world ; and to returne both to the cares , and complements , thereof . And certainly , me thinkes , I am farre , from hauing exaggerated anie thing , concerning this manner of ioy , which our Lord is pleased , to make a Soule possesse , euen in this place of bannishment ; for , all that , which I haue sayd of it , is very poore , and meane , in comparison of what it is , in it self . Blessed be thou for euer , O Lord ; and let all things praise thee , for euer ; And be pleased , O my King , ( I most humbly beseech , and begg , at thy hands ) that , since when euen now I am not wholy out of this holie Celestiall Frensie , or follie , ( which , through thy goodnes , and mercie , and so wholy without anie merit of mine , thou dost me the great Fauour to impart , ) either all such persons , as with whome I shall haue occasion to conuerse , may be euen , as it were , madd fooles , for thy loue ; or els , dispose thou so , of me , as that I may neuer conuerse more , with any Creature ; or els finally , O Lord , giue order , that I may haue nothing to doe in this world ; or , at least , take me out of it , quite . For now already , O my God , this Seruant of thine , is no longer able to endure so great afflictions , as she feeles to come vpon her , by her being thus , without thee . And if she needs must liue , she desires to haue no ease in this life ; nor , indeed , dost thou giue her anie ; for it is death to her , to see her self eat ; she is afflicted , by the sleep she takes ; she findes , that her whole life , is spent , and past through , in Regalo's ; and yet that now , there is nothing , but thy self , who can indeed regale her ; So that it seemes , I liue now euen against nature , since now I would faine not liue in my self , but only in thee . O thou my true Lord , and my Glorie ! how delicate , and yet how hugely heauie , is that Crosse , which thou hast prepared , and prouided for such , as ariue to this State ? It is delicate , because it is incredibly sweet ; and it is heauie , because there grow to be certaine times , when there is not patience enough , in the whole world , to enable vs to endure it ; and yet the Soule would neuer desire , to be free from it , vnlesse it were , to the end , that she might find her self once , to be with thee . And when also the same Soule remembers , that she was neuer able to doe thee seruice , in anie thing ; and that , by continuing to liue , it may yet , perhaps , be possible for her , to serue thee , she would be glad , if she might lye vnder a very much more heauie burthen , then the former ; yea , and that she might also neuer dye , euen till the verie end of the world . She values not anie manner of repose , or rest , so much as to the weight of one haire , in comparison of doing thee anie poore little seruice ; nor doth she know , what more to desire ; but she is only sure of thus much , that she desires nothing , but thy self . O my Sonne ( for you , to whome this is directed , and who haue commanded me to write it , are so humble , that you will needs be called , by that name ) let these things be only for your self , when you see , that I am gone out of all limits ; for there is no kind of reason , which suffices to keep me from leauing the vse of humane reason , when our Lord is pleased to draw me thus , out of my self . Nor doe I know , or belieue , that it is I , who am speaking thus , euer since I receaued the B. Sacrament , this morning . For , me thinkes , I doe but dreame , of what I see ; and I would be glad , not to see anie other , then such , as are sick of that verie same disease , which is now vpon me . I humbly beseech your Reuerence , that we may all , become like madd fooles , for his loue , who was content to be called Foole , for the loue of vs. And , since your Reuerence sayes , that you wish me so cordially well , I desire , that you will shew it , by disposing your self in such sort , as that our Lord may doe you this Fauour . For , I see , there are very few men , who haue not more witt , then euen they need , for the effecting such things , as they hold , to concerne them ; but now perhaps , I may haue more , then they all . But doe not you suffer this , my deare Father , ( since you are so , as well as my Sonne ; because you are my Confessarius , to whose hands I haue committed the care of my Soule ) but vnbeguile me , by telling me truth ; though truths be , now a-dayes , seldome told . And now I would be very glad , that we Fiue , who , at the present , loue one another , in Christ our Lord ; That , I say , as others meet in secret , against the Seruice of his Diuine Maiestie , for the ordering of their wickednes , and their Heresies ; we also might procure , sometimes , to meet , for the disabusing one another ; and to conferr , how we might reforme our selues , and giue Almightie God , more gust . For , there is no Creature , that knowes himself so well , as they doe , who looke vpon vs ; so that it be with true loue , and care of our amendment . I speake of this , as a Secret , and in your care ; for now , already , no such language , as this , is vsed ; when euen Preachers themselues , goe so composing their Sermons , as that they may be sure , to giue men no disgust by them . But their intention , forsooth , is so good , as that the fruits will be answerable to it ; and so we see , how few grow to mend their liues . But how comes it now to passe , that they are not very manie , who giue ouer , to be publique in following vice , by meanes of those Sermōs , which are made ? Shall I tell , what I thinke ? It is , because the Preachers , make themselues too wise . Not yet , that they are indeed , without witt , by reason of any great fyre of the Loue of Almighty God , which is in their harts , as the Apostles were ; and so their flame falls-out to giue but very little heat . I say not , that I expect , that it should be so great , as theirs was ; but yet I hartily wish , that it were greater , then I can now find it is . Your Reuerence knowes , in what , very much , would consist ; Namely , in hauing this life of ours , in detestation ; and honour , in very little estimation ; and that , rather then faile , both to speake truth , and to maintaine it , for the glorie of Almightie God , we would be as well contented to loose all , as to gaine all . For , whosoeuer is resolued , in very good earnest , to put it all , to hazard , for the loue of our Blessed Lord , will be as well content , with the , one , as with the other . I say not , that I am anie such Creature ; but I hartily wish I were . O great , and gallant Libertie , to esteem it for a direct captiuitie , to be bound to liue , and conuerse , according to the Lawes of this World ! For , when this is once obtained , at the hands of Almightie God , there is not so base a Slaue vpon Earth , as would not venture all ; that , so he might redeem himself , and returne home to his owne Countrie . And , since this , wherein we are , is the true way ; there is neither cause , nor colour , why we should desire , to loyter in it . For we shall neuer finish the gaining of so great a treasure , till our Lord giue vs his grace , to doe it well . I humbly pray your Reuerence , to teare this , which I haue written , if you thinke fitt ; and pardon me ; for I haue presumed too farre . THE SEAVENTEENTH CHAPTER . She prosecutes the same Argument , about this Third Degree of Prayer ; And finishes the declaration of the effects , vvhich it vvorkes ; and declares also , the disaduantage , vvhich the Memorie , and Imagination , are vvont to bring , in this case . I Haue already spoken , to some good proportion , of this manner of Prayer , and of that , which the Soule is to performe therein ; or rather of what God doth in her ; for now it is himself , who takes the Office of Gardner , vpon him ; and he will haue her , take her case ; and only , that the Will may accept of those Fauours , which she enioyes ; and she must offer her self , to goe through , with all that , which he , who is true Wisdome , shall be pleased to ordaine ; for which purpose , there is really need , of a great deale of courage . For , so great , * and high , vses that ioy to be , that sometimes it seems , that there needs not so much , as a haires breadth , for making the Soule goe instantly out of that Bodie ; and O , what a happie death would that be ! And heer , me thinkes , that comes in , very well , which once was sayd to your Reuerence , that you must leaue your self wholy , in the Armes of God ; If he will carrie you to Heauen , That you goe ; If to Hell , there will be no torment there , so that you be with him , who is your totall good ; If instantly to make an end of this life , That you desire nothing els ; And yet , that you be as well pleased , if yet , he will haue you liue , a thousand yeares . Let his Diuine Maiestie dispose of you , as of a thing , which is properly his owne ; for , your Soule is now no longer yours , but it wholy belongs to our Lord ; and therefore you must be altogeather out of care . Now I say , that in so eleuated , and high a Prayer , as this , she vnderstands that she can performe it , without anie wearines at all , to the Vnderstanding ; for when God giues this Prayer to a Soule , she is able to doe all this ; yea , and can also worke other manner of effects , then these . Only me thinkes , she is , as it were , amazed , to see our Lord performe the Office of a good Gardner , so well ; and is not pleased , that she should take anie trouble or paines ; but only that she is to delight her self , in beginning to enioy the odour of those Flowers . For , in one such approach as this , ( how little a while soeuer it may last ) such a kind of Gardner this is ( for , he is the Creatour of the Water ; and he giues it so very freely , beyond measure ) that , what this single poore Soule was not able to assemble , by the labour of tyring-out her Vnderstanding , in twentie yeares togeather , this Celestiall Gardner doth it all , in one moment of time ; and the Fruit doth so grow , and become ripe , that it is able , through the good pleasure of our Lord , to sustaine the Owner thereof , and to enable him , to liue vpon the gaine , which he makes by it . Only , he giues not this Soule leaue , to Present of this Fruit , to others , till such time , as she be growne strong , by what her self hath eaten of it ; and she must not squander it away , in trying idly , how it tasts . For so , ( she not valuing the profit , which she might make by it , nor they paying her anie thing for it , to whome she gaue it ) she comes to maintaine , and feed them vp , at her cost , whilst her self may , by degrees , grow to be readie to dye , of hungar . This will perhaps , be well comprehended by them , who haue a right kind of vnderstanding , and will know , how to apply it better , then I can declare it ; and now I am euen wearie , to thinke if it . In a word , the truth is this , that the vertues , which are obtained in this Prayer , remaine so much stronger heer , then in the Prayer of Quiet ( whereof I spake before ) that the Soule cannot be ignorant thereof . For she finds her selfe to be wholy growne , another kind of thing , then she was ; and she beginnes ( she euen scarce knowes , how ) to act , and worke great things , by the odour , which the Flowers yeild , of themselues . For now , our Lord is pleased , that they may sprowt , and open ; to the end , that she may know , she hath vertues ; though yet with all , she see very clearly , that she was not able , to acquire , and get them ; but that the Celestiall Gardner , was pleased to impart them to her , as it were , at an instant . The humilitie also of this Soule , is much greater , and more profound , then in the former Prayer ; because she sees more clearly , that her self did , neither much , nor little , but only consent , that our Lord might doe her those Fauours ; and she embrace them , with her Will. To me it seemes , that there is , in this kind of Prayer , a very euident Vnion of the whole Soule , with God ; saue that , it also seemes , that his Diuine Maiestie giues libertie to the Powers thereof , to vnderstand , and enioy the abundance , of what he works therein . Now , it happens sometimes , yea and manie times , that the Will being thus vnited ( that your Reuerence may see , both that this may be , and may also be able , to vnderstand it , when you haue it ; and , at least , it puts me almost out of my witts , & therefore I relate it to you heer ) knowes , and vnderstands , that it is tyed-vp , and bound , and yet in condition of enioying . I say againe , it knowes , that it self , being the Will , remaines in much Quiet , whilst yet , on the other side , the Vnderstanding , and Memorie , are free , and are able to treat of businesses , & to attend to certaine workes of Charitie . Now , though this seem to be all one , with that , which was spoken of , in that other Discourse of Quiet Prayer , yet it is different . Because there , the Soule is in such case , as it would faine not stirr , nor moue it self , in that kinde of Prayer , as enioying the leasure and contemplation of Marie ; I meane , of S. Marie Magdalen ; Whereas heer , in this Prayer , she can also act the part of Martha . So that she doth now , in effect , performe the offices , both of the Actiue , and of the Contemplatiue life ; and all at once ; and is able to exercise her self , vpon those businesses , and workes of Charitie , which are incident to her condition . And she can also read ; though yet still , the Powers , or Faculties of her Soule , are not absolutly the Lords of themselues ; and still she vnderstāds well enough , that the greatest part of her self ( that is to say , her cheif attention , and operation ) is somewhere els . It is iust , as if we were speaking with some one ; and that withall , at the self same time , some other person were speaking to vs , in such sort , as that we were not entirely attentiue ; either to the one , or to the other . But it is a thing , which is perceaued very clearly , and giues great satisfaction , and contentment , whensoeuer it ariues ; and it vses to be a very great preparation , and disposition , to the end , that , whensoeuer the Partie may be in anie Solitude , or exemption from busines , the Soule may instantly enioy a very perfect quietnes , and repose . This is a certaine Being , as if a person receaued such a kinde of satisfaction , and cessation of appetite in himself , as that he would haue no need at all , to eat , but felt his stomack content ; in such sort , as that he would not easily apply himself to tast , of whatsoeuer should be set before him ; but yet withall , that , if he saw such meate as he liked , he would not forbeare : to eat of it . For iust so , doth the Soule , not satisfye her self , nor is content to feed vpon the meate of this world ; because she findes that , in her self , which giues her satisfaction , it being the farre greater cōtentment , which she hath in Almightie God ; and her desire also is , to satisfye euen those desires of hers ; and this is that , which she procures . There is also , another kinde of Vnion , which euen yet , is not so much , as an absolute , and entire Vnion , though it be greater then that , of which I was speaking before ; and not altogeather so great , as that of this Third Water ; And your Reuerence will be very glad ( supposing , that our Lord bestow them all , vpon you , if you haue them not already ) to finde it written thus ; and directly to vnderstand , what it is . For it is one kinde of Fauour , for our Lord to impart the same very Fauour ; and another , to vnderstand , what grace , and Fauour , that is ; yea , and yet another , to be able , to vnfold , and declare , how it passes . And howsoeuer it may seem , that there may no more , then the First of these Three , be needfull , for the keeping of the Soule , from being in a kinde of confusion , and feare , and for enabling it to goe forward , with more courage , in the way of our Lord , euen treading with the verie feet thereof , vpon all the things of this world ; yet is it a Fauour of so great aduantage , to vnderstand it , that it is reason , that both he , who hath it , and euen he also , who hath it not , should praise our Lord , much , for it ; because his Diuine Maiestie hath been pleased to giue it to some one , who is yet aliue , to the end , that he might also doe vs good . Now , it happens also manie times to me , that I haue this manner of Vnion , whereof I am speaking ; for it pleases Almightie God , to doe me this Fauour , very , very often ; and that God recollects , and takes hold of my Will ; yea and also , in my opinion , of my Vnderstanding ; for then , it discourses no longer , but is employed , vpon enioying Almightie God ; as one , who stands looking , and looking , and sees so very much , that he knowes not indeed , which way to looke ; for , one thing instantly appeares , which takes away the sight of the other ; and so , nothing makes anie impression at all . The Memorie , remaines free ; and so also doth the Imagination , seem to doe ; and this Imagination , when it findes it self thus , all alone , ( that is , without being controuled by the Vnderstanding ) it would make a bodie wonder extreamly , to see , what a coyle it keeps ; and what a warre , it makes ; and procures , to put all , out of order . For my part , I am sure , it tires me ; and I am also sure , that I abhorre it ; and I haue often besought our Lord , that , if it must needs distract me still , after this manner , he will be pleased , to take it from me , in these occasions . And sometimes I presume to say thus to him : When , O my God , is this whole Soule of mine , to be entirely vnited , in thy praise ; and not deuided thus , into peices , without being so much as able , to serue her self , of her self . But heer , doe I , in the meane time , discerne the mischief , which hath been brought vpon vs , by Sinne ; since it makes vs be so subiect , to the not doing , of what we so much desire ; which is , to be euer busied about Almightie God. I say , this happens to me diuerse times , and one of those times , was this verie day ; and so , I may the better remember it . For , in fine , I see my Soule , euen dissolue , and defeat her self , through the desire , which she hath to be wholy there , where she finds her self , for the most part , to be already ; and yet , that this is impossible , because both the Memorie , and Imagination , doe still make such warre vpon her , that they suffer her not to worke , like her self . And though they be not able , to doe her anie hurt , in regard that the other Powers , and Faculties are wanting ; yet indeed , they may well be thought , to doe hurt enough , by the disquiet , they giue . But yet still I say , that they doe her properly no hurt ; because , indeed , they haue no strength ; nor doe they fix themselues in anie one Being , or State. And , in regard that the Vnderstanding doth not help the Imagination , in that , which it represents , either more , or lesse , it cannot fasten vpon anie thing ; but skipps , vp & downe , from one to another . And it is like those importunate , and vnquiet little Gnatts , which buzze , and whizze by night , heer , and there ; for iust so , are these Powers wont to goe , from one to another . This Comparison seemes to me , to be extreamly proper ; for though these inferiour Faculties , haue not strength , and meanes , to doe harme , yet are they troublesome enough , to such as feele them . Not doe I know , what remedie there is , against this inconuenience ; for hitherto , Almightie God hath not enabled me to find anie out ; & if he had , I would haue been very glad , to vse it ; for it torments me ( as I sayd ) very often . But in this , is our miserie made apparant to vs ; and so also doth the power of Almightie God shine very clearly in it , since this Facultie of the Soule , which is loose , can put vs to so much trouble , and so tire vs , whilst yet those other , which are employed , and doe attend so neer to his Diuine Maiestie , make vs feele so much ease , & ioy . The last Remedie , vpon which I haue falne , after my hauing wearied my self manie yeares , is that , whereof I spoke , in Quiet Prayer ; That we should make no more account therof , then we would , of some starke-madd-Foole ; but to let it still alone , in telling that impertinent idle Tale , wherein God only can impose silence . And since , in fine , it remaines to vs heer , in the nature of a Slaue , we must be content to endure it , as Iacob , did Lya ; for our Lord doth vs Fauour enough , to permitt , that we may enioy Rachel . I say , that it remaines as a Slaue ; by reason , that it cannot draw the other Powers , or Faculties to it , how vehemently soeuer it may striue , but rather , they draw it often to them , without anie difficultie at all . Yea , and sometimes our Lord is pleased to haue pittie , to see euen the Imagination it self , so very much disquieted , and lost , through desire to be in companie with the other Faculties , and Powers of the Minde ; and then , his Diuine Maiestie is content , that it also , may be burnt vp , in the fire of that Diuine Taper , where those others are already euen consumed to dust ; and where ( hauing , as it were , euen lost their Naturall Being ) they are enioying so great Blessings , in a Supernaturall kind . In all these wayes , of this last Fountaine-Water , whereof I haue spoken , the peacefull rest , and glorie of the Soule , is so great , that euen the Bodie doth very manifestly participate of that ioy , and delight ; I say , it doth so , very manifestly ; yea , and the vertues also of the Minde , encrease , and grow stronger , as I haue sayd . And now it seemes to me , that our Lord hath declared these States of Prayer , wherein the Soule may discerne her self , as farre , as she can be giuen to be vnderstood heer . And your Reuerence shall doe well , to conferr about it , with some such Spirituall person , ( who may be learned ) as shall haue ariued , thus farre . And if he tell you , that all is well , you may conceaue , that God hath sayd it to you ; and esteem it , as a great benefit , from his Diuine Maiestie ; for you will , in tract of time , reioyce ( as I haue sayd ) very much , to vnderstand in cleare manner , what it is ; though now , whilst you haue the grace to enioy it , he allowes you not the Fauour , to vnderstand it so . But , as his Diuine Maiestie hath giuen you the first part , which is the enioying : so you will afterward , perhaps , by your knowledge , and learning , come also to vnderstand it , by this meanes . Let him be adored , and praised , for the eternitie of all eternities , Amen . THE EIGHTEENTH CHAPTER She treats of the Fourth Degree of Prayer . She beginnes heer to declare , in excellent manner , the great dignitie , to vvhich our Lord aduances that Soule , vvhich is exalted to this State. It serues to animate men much , to endeauour , that they may ariue to so high a condition , since it may be obtained in this vvorld , through the goodnes of our Lord , though it cannot be deserued . Let this be read , vvith consideration , and care . I Beseech our Lord , that he will teach me , how to vse some words , and way of speech , which may enable me , to say somewhat , of this Fourth Water ; for I well discerne , that I haue need enough of his Fauour heerin ; euen yet more , then I had in that of the last ; because in that , the Soule doth find her selfe , not to be wholy dead ; and so we may very well say , that she is not dead , because she remaines still in the world ; but still ( as I affirmed ) she hath sufficient vnderstanding , to know , that she is still , heer ; and that she findes the Solitude , wherein she is ; & serues her self , to some proportion , of the exteriour ; at least so farre , as , by outward signes , to giue that , which she feeles , to be vnderstood . In all that kind of Prayer , and in the manner also of it , which hath been described , the Gardner labours to some proportion ; though yet , in the Prayer of these latter kindes , his labour goes accompanied with so much ioy , and such a happie kind of ease , as that , for his part , he findes no trouble at all , in it ; for he considers it not as Trouble , but as Glorie ; and he would be glad , that it might neuer end . But in this Fourth Degree , or kind of Prayer , there is no suffering left at all , but only enioying ; though yet , without anie distinct particular vnderstanding , of what is enioyed . He knowes well enough ; that a certaine Good , is enioyed , wherein all good things are contained , and shut-vp ; but yet this Good , is not totally comprehended by him . All the Senses are taken vp , vpon the finding , and feeling of this ioy ; in such sort , as no one of them , is so dis-employed , as that it can possibly attend to anie thing els , either in the exteriour , or interiour way . Before , a certaine leaue , or libertie was giuen to these Powers , that they might be able , to make some kind of demonstration , of the great ioy , they felt ; but heer , the Soule enioyes much more , beyond comparison ; and can giue her self also to be vnderstood , much lesse . Because there is no meanes left in the Bodie ; nor yet hath the Soule anie at all , wherewith to communicate that ioy ; but , all things would then , be disturbance , and euen torment to her ; yea , and distraction , from the entirenes of her sweet repose . I say , the Soule is no way able , to communicate the ioy she hath , if indeed there be an absolute , and entire Vnion , of all the three Powers togeather , for as long as that Vnion lasts ; and that also , if she be able to communicate it , I say , there is no absolute Vnion . In what manner this thing happens , which they call Vnion , and what the thing also is , I am not able to giue to be vnderstood . It is declared in that , which they call Mysticall Theologie ; but as for me , I am not able , so much as to name euen the tearmes . Nor doe I know , what that is , which is called Minde ; nor the difference between Minde , and Soule ; nor what also , is Spirit ; for , to me , all these seuerall things , seem to be but one ; though yet the Soule , now and then , spring-vp euen out of her self , as if it were a kind of fire , which is burning vp , in a flame ; and sometimes this fire encreases , with a kind of impetuositie . Now this flame , rises very much higher , then doth the fire ; but yet still , notwithstanding all that , it is no distinct thing , from the verie fire ; but it is the flame it self , which still , is in the fire . Your Reuerence will vnderstand this matter , by your learning ; but as for me , I know not , how to declare it better . For my part , the thing , which I pretend to declare , is , what the Soule finds , and feeles , when it is in this Diuine Vnion ; for , as for the knowing , what an Vnion , in generall , is , it is euerie where vnderstood , well enough , to be , when two seuerall things , become one . O my deare Lord ! and how good art thou ? Blessed be thou for euer ; and let all things praise thee , O my God , who hast been pleased , to loue vs in such sort , as that we may be able , to speake with truth , of this kind of communication , which thou vouchsafest to hold with Soules , euen in this bannishment of ours ; which , although they were neuer so holie , and good , yet this latitude of liberalitie , and magnificence of thine , were great , in proceeding with them after this manner . But , in fine , it is all thine owne Maiestie , and Greatnes , who giuest , after the rate , of what thou art . O infinit latitude of Bountie ! and how magnificent are thy workes ? They are able , euen to amaze anie such person , as hath not his Vnderstanding wholy employed , vpon the things of this world ; and who hath left himself no roome , both for the knowing , and considering such things , as are reall truths . But now , that thou shouldst be pleased , to fasten such Soueraine Fauours vpon Soules , which haue offended thee so much , doth really , euen make an end of my verie Vnderstanding ; and when once , I come to consider of this proceeding of thine , I am euen vnable to passe on , anie further . But indeed , how can anie Creature goe anie whither , in this case , which shall not be , a meer comeing back againe ; since no Soule can euer know , how to giue thee anie tolerable thankes , for so incomparable Fauours ? As for me , I help my self sometimes , with speaking certaine impertinencies , which haue neither head , nor foot ; and it often happens to me , both when I come from receauing these Fauours , and when also our Lord is beginning to impart them ( for , as for the verie time , when I am enioying them , I haue already shewed , that there is then , no power at all , to doe anie thing ) that I expresse my self to his Diuine Maiestie , much after this manner : O Lord , consider well , what thou dost ; forget not my so very greiuous Sinnes so very soone ; and though thou haue forgotten them , so farre , as to vouchsafe to forgiue them , yet remember them also ( I humbly beseech thee ) so farre , as to make thee put some limits vpon those Fauours , which thou art pleased to bestow vpon me . Powre not , O my Creatour , so pretious a liquour as that , into so broken a vessell as this ; since already , thou hast seen , how often I haue scattered , and spilt it . O lodge not , and trust not , such a treasure as this , where the appetite , and affection , to all the consolations of this life , is not yet so totally lost , and spent , as it ought to be ; for , if thou doe , it will be vtterly wasted . How canst thou find in thy hart , to deliuer the strength of this Cittie , and euen the verie keyes of the Fort , into the hands of such a cowardlie Commander , who is likelie not to faile , to giue the Enemie entrance , vpon the first Assault , which he shall make . Let not , O my Eternal King , thy loue to me , be so great , as that it should make thee put such pretious Iewels as these , into hazard . And to me , it seemes , O my Lord , that thou mayst giue the world occasion heerby , to vndervalue these great Fauours of thine ; since thou puttest them into the custodie , and power , of a Creature , who is so wicked , so base , so weake , so miserable , and of so little worth , in anie kinde . Who , though I now beginne to labour , that I may not vtterly loose them , through thy fauour ( which also hath no need to be little , considering , what kind of thing I am ) shall yet be neuer able , to gaine anie other Creature to thee , by meanes thereof . In fine , I am a woeman , and no good woeman , but a very wicked one ; and it seemes , that these Talents of thine , are thus , not only to be hidden , by this meanes , but euen to be quite buried vp ; since thou puttest them into so vngratious , and vnluckie a Soyle . Thou art not wont , O Lord , to impart such Fauours , and Greatnesses as these , to anie Soule , but when there may be hope , that she will be able to gaine manie others , to thy Seruice . And thou knowest , O my God , already , that I haue , sometimes , begged this Fauour ; and still I begg it of thee , with my whole hart , and with the entire affection thereof ; and I am resolued to thinke it fitt , to be content , to loose the highest blessing , which can possibly be enioyed vpon earth , to the end , that thou maist vouchsafe it to some other , who will profit more by it ; that so , thine owne glorie may be encreased . Both these , and such other things , as these , hath it occurred to me , to vtter manie times ; but yet afterward , I perceaued mine owne great follie heerin , togeather with my little humilitie ; for , our Lord knowes very well , what is fittest for euerie Creature ; and , that there was not to be strength enough , in my Soule , whereby she might euer grow , to be saued , if his Diuine Maiestie had not enriched her , with so great Fauours . But I also now pretend to declare , the graces , and effects , * which remaine by this Prayer , in the Soule ; and what that is , which she may be able to doe , of her self ; and , if she may , anie way , conduce , towards the bringing her self , to this high State. It happens , that this Eleuation of the Spirit , or Vnion , come , both of them , with a Celestiall kind of Loue. For ( according to my way of vnderstanding ) this * Vnion , is a different things from Eleuation ; though yet the Soule be eleuated , in this verie Vnion . Whosoeuer hath not tried , and felt this last , will be of a different conceipt ; but yet , in my opinion , though euen it should be all one , yet our Lord workes therin , after a different manner ; And , by the encrease , which the Soule hath , of being able to vntye her self from the loue of all Creatures , she seemes to be very much greater , in that Flight , and Eleuation of the Spirit . And I haue clearly seen , that this is a distinct , and particular Fauour , although the things themselues , may be all one , as I say ; or at least , may seem so . But a small fire , is as truly , and really , Fire , as a great one ; and yet still , we see difference enough , between the one , and the other ; for , before a little iron can be able to be made red hot , in a small fire , a good space of time will be spent ; but now , if the fire be great , the iron , though it be also great , will loose the apparance of iron , very quickly . Iust so , doth it seem to me , to happen in these two sorts of Fauours from our Blessed Lord ; and I know , that whosoeuer may euer haue ariued , to be in Rapt , will vnderstand me well ; but such as haue had no experience therin , will hold all that , to be impertinent , which I haue sayd . Perhaps also it is so indeed ; and so , as he will haue had reason , who beleiues it . For , how shall such a thing , as I , presume to speake of such a thing as this ; and to giue some part of that , to be vnderstood , which it seemes impossible , euen to beginne to declare , with anie words ? So that it is not strange , a whitt , if I talke idly . But yet I beleiue this , of our Blessed Lord ( because his Diuine Maiestie knowes , that , next to this act of Obedience , my intention is no other , then to make Soules , euen , as it were , gluttonous , after the obtaining of so high a good ) that he will be pleased , to assist me heerin ; and I am sure , I will say nothing , whereof I haue not had much experience . And it is a reall truth , that when I beganne to write of this Water , I conceaued it to be a more impossible thing , for me to treat of it , then to speake Greeke ; so very hard , did I finde it . Vpon this , I gaue it ouer , and went to receaue the Blessed Sacrament . But our Lord be euer praised , who doth so great Fauours to ignorant persons . O vertue of Obedience , which art able to doe all things ! For , Almightie God did illuminate my vnderstanding , sometimes , by helping me to the verie expresse words , which I was to vse ; and , at other times , by representing the manner to me , how I should declare the thing ; So that , as his Diuine Maiestie was pleased to doe , in the former Degree of Prayer , it seemes , that he will also heer declare , what I neither can , nor know , how to expresse . But that which now I say , is a most literall truth ; and so , that which shall be good , is his instruction , and doctrine ; and whatsoeuer falls-out to be ill , it is cleare , that it proceeds , and flowes , from this deep Sea of mischeif , and Sinne , which is my self . And therefore I heer affirme , that if anie haue ariued to these points , and particulars of Prayer , wherein our Lord hath done so great Fauour , to this miserable , and wretched Creature , ( as it is likelie , that there are manie ) if they shall be pleased , to treat of these things with me , as conceauing , that I am mistaken , and out of the way , our Lord will so assist this poore Seruant of his , as that she may be able , to goe forward , to vphold this truth . But now , to speake of this last Water , which comes from Heauen , to satisfye , and euen fulfill the whole Garden , by the abundance therof ; if our Lord did neuer forbeare to giue it , whensoeuer there were need , it is euident enough already , of what case it would be to the Gardner , and that there would neuer be anie Winter , but alwaies most temperate weather ; nor would there euer , be anie want , either of Fruits , or Flowers ; and so it may be easily seen , in what delight he would remaine . But , as long as we liue in this world , this condition is a kind of impossible thing ; and we must alwaies be in care , that whensoeuer we shall want one of the Waters , we may procure another . This last , which falls from Heauen , comes downe sometimes , euen when the Gardner thinkes of it least . True it is , that these things are almost euer wont to happen , after a long exercise of Mentall Prayer . For , our Lord vses to come , by degrees , to catch this poore little Bird , and to lodge it then , safely , in the Nest ; to the end , that it may rest , and repose . And after it had put it self long , vpon Flights , procuring , by the exercise of the Vnderstanding , and Will , and , in fine , by all the Powers it had , to goe in search of Almightie God , and to please him , he vouchsafes to allow it a reward , euen in this life ; yea , and this , so very great a reward , that anie one little moment therof , may well suffice , as a full satisfaction , and retribution , for all that care , and trouble , which he could euer haue endured , in this world . The Soule being thus , in search of Almightie God , doth find her self , as it were , euen sinke , vnder a sweet , and most excessiue delight ; as being all , in a certaine way of deare faynting ; so that the breath is euen beginning to faile , and so also , doth all corporall strength ; in such sort , as that the Creature is now not able , so much , as to moue her hands , but with much paine . The eyes are also closed , though without anie purpose to shut them ; and when , by accident , they chance to be open , she , in effect , sees nothing distinctly ; nor , if she reade , can she so much as iudge rightly of anie letter ; nor can she euen guesse , how to name it right . She sees , that indeed , there are letters ; but , the Vnderstanding not giuing her anie assistance , she knowes not how to reade , though she would . She heares , but yet vnderstands not , what she heares ; so that she receaues no other benefit at all , by her Senses , but only , that they will not permit her , to take the full fruition of her delight ; and so , vpon the matter , they doe her more hurt , then good . As for speaking , it is a vanitie , so much as to thinke of anie such thing ; for she cannot possibly hitt right , so much as in framing anie one word ; nor , if she were able to iudge it , were she yet possibly able , to pronounce it ; in regard , that all the strength of her Bodie , is absolutly lost , for the greater encrease of that , of her Soule , that so , she may the better enioy her glorie . The exteriour delight also , which she feeles , is both great , and very certaine . This Prayer puts the person to no manner of inconuenience in anie kinde , how long soeuer it may last ; at least , it neuer put me to anie ; nor am I able to remember , ( when our Lord did me this Fauour ) how sick , or weake soeuer I were , that I euer found my self the worse ; but rather , with much improuement , euen in the way of health . But indeed , what hurt can euer be done to anie Creature , by so great a blessing , as this ? It is so knowne a truth , concerning the exteriour operations , that there can no doubt be made , but that there were natually great occasions , for their alteration , since our Lord tooke all their strength from them , though yet it were with so great delight , that the same grew afterward , to be greater . It is true , that in the beginning , this state , and feeling , is wont to passe away , in very short time ; at least , it hapned so , to me . But , as for these exteriour signes , as also in this failing of operation in the Senses , it is not so easily to be giuen to be vnderstood , when things passe away in short time ; but yet they are discerned with ease , by the excesse of the Fauours . For , the clearnes , and heat of the Sunne , must needs haue been then , very great , when all that , which came in the way , was so absolutly melted , and dissolued . Let this also be well noted , that , in my opinion , how long soeuer that space of time might seem to be , wherein all the Powers of the Soule were in suspense , it must needs haue been indeed , very short ; and , if it should ariue , to half an hower , it were very much . For my part , I thinke I was neuer so long . True it is , that one can hardly iudge , how long they are , since the Parties are depriued of outward sense : but I say , that it must needs be a very short time , wherein no one of the Powers , can be able to returne againe , to it self . But now , the Will is , indeed , the onlie Power , which maintaines the Worke ; for , as for the other two , they quickly become importunate vpon her . Yet the Will remaining quiet , and fixed , suspends them yet againe ; and so they stay another little while ; and afterward returne to liue , as before . In this manner , some whole howers of Prayer , may be passed ; yea and sometimes , they are passed so . For , when the two Powers of the Soule , haue tasted of that Celestiall wine , and beginne to be inebriated with it , they easily are induced to loose themselues , once againe , so to get still , the more , by the bargaine ; and so they goe to accompanie the Will ; and all three , come to be in the act of enioying . But this point of being totally lost , and so without framing anie Imagination at all ( which Power , in my way of vnderstanding , is also wholy lost ) I say , lasts but a very little time ; though yet they come not alwaies , so wholy to themselues , vpon a suddaine , but that they may remaine , euen some howers , as in a kind of being , still , a little out of the way , and in disorder ; Almightie God vouchsafing , to recollect them againe to himself , by little , and little . And now let vs come to the interiour of that , which the Soule is wont to feele , at these times ; and let them declare it , who know how ; since it cannot be well vnderstood , and much lesse expressed . I was thinking , ( when I disposed my self to write this , ( as soone as I had receaued the B. Sacrament , and after the end of this verie kinde of Prayer , which now I write ) of what the Soule did , at that time . And our Lord sayd this to me , in these words : It doth , my Daughter , dissolue , and defeat it self , to be so , the more ingulfed in me ; for novv it is no longer she , vvho liues , but I ; and since she cannot cōprehend that , vvhich she vnderstands , her very vnderstanding it , after a kind of Morrall vvay , vvhich she doth , is really a not vnderstanding it , after a strict , & comprehensiue vvay , vvhich she is not able to doe . He who shall haue had triall of this , by experience , will be able to ariue to the expression of some part therof ; but , as for me , I cannot deliuer that , more clearly , which passes heer , since it is so very obscure . I can only say , that , in this case , their being then , so close to Almightie God , is represented to them ; and there remaines such a kinde of certaintie therof , that it cannot possibly faile , to be beleiued . And now heer , all the Powers of the Soule fall short of operation , and are suspended , in such sort , that , by no meanes ( as I haue sayd ) it can possibly be vnderstood , that they worke . If she were thinking of some Mysterie , it is instantly so forgottē , as if there had neuer beē anie such thought . If she were reading , there is no remembrance of it ; nor yet of pawsing ; and if praying vocally , in like manner . So that now , this importunate little Gnatt of the Memorie , hath her wings burnt heer , and can now no longer spring-vp , nor stirre . The Will also , is now employed , all , in louing ; though it vnderstād not , how it loues . The Vnderstanding , if it vnderstand , it is not yet vnderstood , how it vnderstands ; and , at least , it can comprehend nothing of that , which it vnderstands . To me , it doth not seem , that it vnderstands ; because ( as I was saying ) it is not vnderstood ; and , for my part , I attaine not , to vnderstand all this . At the first , I chanced to be in so great an ignorance , as not to know , that Almightie God , was in all things ; and considering , how very present , I conceiued him to be to me , it seemed impossible for me , to beleiue the cōtrarie . To leaue therefore to beleiue that he was there , I could not ; because it seemed to me , as it were , apparantly , and clearly , that I had vnderstood his verie Presence to be there . Some men , who were not learned , told me , that he was only there , by his Grace ; which still , I could not possibly beleiue ; because , as I was saying , I held him to be directly present otherwise ; and thus I cōtinued , with some trouble . But , at length , a great learned man of the Order of the Glorious S. Dominick , freed me from this doubt ; and told me , not only , that he was present , but that he also communicated himself to vs ; which comforted me very much . But now , it is heer to be noted , and vnderstood , that this Celestiall Water , is alwaies a most eminent Fauour of our Lord , and giues the Soule excessiuely great aduantages ; as I shall now declare . THE NINETEENTH CHAPTER . She prosecutes the same Discourse ; and beginnes to declare the effects , vvhich this Degree of Prayer , vvorkes in the Soule . She persvvades men earnestly , not to turne back , nor to giue-ouer their Prayer , though they should happen to fall , euen after they had receaued these Fauours . She speakes of the great harme , vvhich vvill ariue to them , if they doe othervvise . This Discourse is much to be noted ; and it is of great consolation , for vveake persons , and Sinners . THe Soule doth , in this Prayer , and Vnion , remaine with an excessiue kind of tendernes ; in such sort , that she would faine , euen defeat , and dissolue her self ; not through paine , or trouble , but by abundance of teares of ioy , wherein she is bathed , without so much , as feeling , or knowing , how , or when she wept them . It giues her a great delight , to find the impetuous force of that fire , appeased , and allayed by Water ; which yet makes it encrease so much the more . This language of mine , may seem to be a kind of gibberidge ; but yet , thus stands the case . It hath hapned to me sometimes , when I was in this part of this Prayer , to be so * wholy out of my self , as that I knew not , whether I were awake , or asleep ; or whether , in verie deed , I had been in that glorie , which I felt ; and whether it were true , that I was indeed , so , all bathed in water , which distilled with such force , and speed , from mine eyes , that it seemed , as if a very Clowde of Heauen had rayned it downe ; but , in fine , I found that it was no dreame . This hapned to be in the beginnings of this Prayer ; and it passed quickly ouer . But the Soule remaines so couragious thereby , that , if it were possible for her to be cut into a thousand peices for God's sake , it would be of extreame consolation to her . And now , heer come in , all her promises ; her heroicall resolutions ; the liuelie efficacie of her desires ; her beginning to abhorre the world ; her clearlie discerning her owne vanitie ; and all this , much more perfectly , and more highly , then it hapned in anie of her former Prayers . Her humilitie is also growne much stronger ; for now , she very clearly discernes , that no diligence at all , of her owne , was anie peice of a cause , for bringing her that excessiue , and incomparable Fauour ; nor for making her enioy the same . She sees now clearly , that she is a most vnworthie Creature ; for , in anie roome , where there enters a strong , and cleare Sunne-Beame , there is not the least , and thinnest Cobweb , which can lye hid . She now lookes very clearly , vpon her owne miserie ; and now she is so very free from Vaine-Glorie , that it seems a kind of impossible thing , for her to haue anie ; because now already , she hath it euen in her verie eye , how little she is able to performe ; or rather , in verie deed , that it is , iust nothing at all ; and that , in this case , there was hardly so much , as anie cōsent of hers ; but that it seems , that euen , whether she would , or no , they shut the gates of all her Senses , vp ; to the end , that she might so , the better enioy her Lord ; and that now , since she remaines all alone with him , what can she haue to doe , but to loue him ? She neither can see , nor heare , vnlesse she be made to doe so , as it were , by very strong hand ; and therefore , there is little , for which , to thanke her . Her former life , growes then , to be represented to her , with perfect truth ; togeather with the great mercie of Almightie God. And all this , occurrs to her , without anie necessitie at all , that her Vnderstanding should now , goe hunting after it . For there , doth she already find all this kind of food , readie dressed , for her , to vnderstād , and eat . Of her self , she sees very well , that she deserues Hell-Fire ; and that now , in stead therof , they giue her no other punishment , then glorie . And therefore she doth now , euen consume her self , in the prayses of Almightie God ; and now would I be glad , euen to consume my self so . Blessed be thou , O my Lord , who hast , in such sort , vouchsafed , to make so filthie a Fish-Pond , as I was , become so pure , and cleare a water , as that it may serue for thine owne Table . Be thou adored , and praised , O thou Regalo of the Angels , who hast vouchsafed , thus to exalt so base a worme . This profit of the Soule , remaines , for some time , therin ; and now she can already vnderstand clearly enough , that the Fruit is none of her owne ; and she beginns to giue part of it to others , without euer feeling anie want of it her self . She now beginns also , to giue signes , and apparances , of being the owner of some such Soule , as it to be a Iewel-House , fitt for the Treasures of Heauen ; and to carrie great desires , of making others partake them ; and humbly to beseech Almightie God , that she may not be alone , in possessing them . She beginns now , to profit her Neighbours , without almost vnderstanding it her self , and without her seeming to doe anie thing therin ; but they , who receaue the benefit , vnderstand it well . For already , doe those Flowers yeild so high , and apparant a Sent , that it inuites all the world , to come neer them . They know , that she hath great Vertues ; and they see , that the Fruit is very tempting ; and they would faine help her to eat it . And now , if the earth of this Garden be manured , and digged-vp very deep , with Persecutions , with Detractions , and with Sicknes ; ( as there are few , who ariue thus farre , without these things ) and if also , it be very cleane stripped of all proper Interest , the Water sinkes so very deeply , into this Soyle , that it will scarce be euer dry againe . But yet , if it be such a kind of earth , as that ( with being earth ) it haue also , such a quantitie , and companie of thornes , as I remained with , in the beginning ; and , if it want a rooting-out of the occasions of ill , and is not withall , so gratefull , as so high a Fauour requires , that Soyle growes againe , to be dry . And , in that case , if the Gardner proue negligent , and slack , and if out Lord , through his owne onlie goodnes , doe not againe resolue , to bestow raine vpon it , you may well giue this Garden , for destroyed , and lost . For iust thus , did it happen to me , seuerall times ; and really , I am euen amazed , to reflect vpon it ; yea , and it were not possible for me , to beleiue it , if the case had not been wholy mine owne . But now I write thus much , for the comfort of such Soules , as are weake , like mine ; to the end , that they may neuer despaire , nor so much , as once leaue , to haue confidence , in the greatnes of Almightie God ; and that , * although they should fall , euen after our Lord had brought them , to so incomparable Fauours as are mentioned heer , they must not yet despaire , vnlesse they will be totally lost ; for , there is nothing , which will not be gotten with teares ; and so , the employing of one Water , will be the meanes of getting another . One of the things , by which I haue been animated ( with being that miserable Creature , which I am ) to write this Discourse , and to giue this kind of account , of my wicked Life , and of the Fauours , which our Lord hath been pleased to doe me , ( and that , not whilst I was seruing him , but offending him ) hath been this . And really , I wish now , that I were some person of great authoritie , that so I might be the better beleiued , in this particular ; and I humbly beseech the Diuine Maiestie of my deare Lord , that he will bestow this Fauour vpon me . I say then , that no one , euen of those Creatures , who haue begunne , to vse Mentall Prayer , is to be dismayed with saying : If I should returne to be wicked againe , it would be worse for me , to goe forward with the vse of Prayer . For , the thing , which I beleiue , is , that it will be worse , if he giue-ouer his Prayer , and forbeare to reforme his life . But , if he shall not giue-ouer his Prayer , let him be confident , that it will bring him againe , to the Port , where he shall be able to see the Lanterne , and ariue safe . The Diuel made so feirce batterie against me , and I passed so long , without Prayer , ( as conceauing , that , being so wicked , as I was , it would be an act of more humilitie , to desist from it ) that I gaue it ouer , for about a yeare , and a halfe , or for a yeare at least ; for , of the half yeare , I remember it not , so very precisely . But this was likelie to be , and was then , indeed , no other thing , then for me to put my self euen into Hell , without needing anie Diuels , for that purpose . O my deare Lord , how great is that blindnes , and how vnhappily doth the Diuel hitt right , for his purpose , in laying so heauie a loade vpon vs , heerin ? The Traytour knowes very well , that he hath lost that Soule , which continues , with perseuerance , in Prayer ; and that all those Falls , which he procures to giue vs , will but assist vs , through the goodnes of Almightie God , to make , afterwards , the greater leape , towards his Seruice . The Diuel , I say , knowes very well , how much this imports him . But , O my deare Iesus , what a thing it is , to see a Soule , in this State , falne-back * to Sinne , when yet thou , by thy mercie , dost lend him , that hand of thine , to rise againe ? O , how will such an one , come to know , the multitude of thy greatnesses , and mercies ; togeather with his owne miserie ? Heer comes this Creature in , to vnderstand thy Maiesticall way ; and to annihilate himself , in good earnest . Heer is the Soule , not once presuming , so much , as to lift her eyes vp , to Heauen , though yet she raise her thoughts , to consider the vnspeakable obligation , which she hath to thee . She heer , growes all deuoted , to the Queen of Heauen , that she may helpe to appease thee . Heer , she inuokes those Saints , who fell , after thou hadst once called them , to thy Seruice ; to the end , that she may be assisted by them . Heer , she conceaues , and finds , that whatsoeuer Crosses thou send her , they are all of them , too easie , and light ; because she sees already , that she deserues not the verie ground , vpon which she goes . Heer , enters the frequenting the Sacraments of the Church , and that vigorous Liuelie Faith , which now remaines in her hart , as seing the great power , and vertue , which God infused into it . The praising thee , for hauing left such Vnguents , and other Medicines , for the cure of our Sores ; which close not only the skinne , but take them vtterly away . In a word , she is amazed , at all these things ; and who , O thou Lord of my Soule , is not to be amazed , at so great mercie , and at such an ouerflowing kind of Fauour , vpon our Treasons , which are so abominable , and fowle , that , for my part , I cannot vnderstand , how my hart comes not , euen to splitt , when I write thus much ; because I find my self so very wicked ? And yet , the while , it seemes , as if I had a minde , to make thee a kind of recompence , & satisfaction , for so many fowle Treasons , as I haue committed against thee , by these few , poore , little teares of mine , which yet are giuen mee , by thy selfe ; and which really , for my part thereof , are but as so much water of a stinkeing Well . For , still I am committing Sinnes , & procuring to frustrate , & , euen as it were , annihilate the Fauours , which thou hast done me . But , be thou pleased , O my Deare Lord , to giue vallew to these poore teares , and doe thou purifye this so troubled Water of my Soule , though it should be for no other reason , then only to keep men free , from the temptation of making rash iudgements ; as , for my part , I haue been subiect to this thought . Why , O Lord , dost thou passe ouer those other holie people , who haue alwaies serued , and suffered for thee ; and haue been bred-vp , in the way of a Religious Life ; and are , indeed , truly Religious ; and not like me , who had no more therof , then the name ; And yet , I clearly see , that thou didst them not those Fauours , which thou hast done me . But yet heer , I discerne very well , O thou my eternall Good , that thou keepest their reward in store , that so thou maist giue it them , all togeather ; and that my weaknes , is so great , that I had need to be proceeded with , thus ; whereas they , like gallant persons , are content , to serue thee still , without these helps ; and so thou treatest them , as valiant people , who haue no interest of their owne . But yet I , with all this , O my Lord , cryed-out manie times , before thee , excusing them , who murmured against me ; because I thought , they had too much reason , for what they sayd . But this occurred to me , O Lord , when , already , through thy goodnes , thou with-heldst me , from offending thee so highly , anie more ; and when I went diuerting my self from all that , which I thought might displease thee . For , when once I beganne to doe but thus much , thou also didst beginne to open thy Treasures , towards this Seruant of thine ; and , it seemes , thou didst expect nothing els , but only , that there might be an inclination in me , to receaue them ; so quickly didst thou beginne , not only to bestow them , but to be pleased , that the world should vnderstand it . When this was once perceaued , some beganne to hold a good opinion of me ; though all had not yet knowne well , how ill I was ; and that , much of it did then half appeare . But then , did Detraction , and Persecution beginne , at a clapp ; and , in my opinion , not without much cause . And therefore , I vndertooke no enmitie against anie Creature ; but only besought thy Diuine Maiestie , to consider , what little reason they had . They sayd , that I had a minde , to make my self a Saint ; and that I inuented certaine Nouelties , though I had not ariued yet , by a great deale , to fulfill all myne owne Rule ; nor ouertaken , in the way of vertue , those manie good , and holie Religious Woemen , who were in that Monasterie . Nor doe I thinke indeed , that I shall euer ariue so farre , ( vnlesse Almightie God , through his goodnes , will be pleased to performe it all , on his part ) but rather , that I was likelie to abolish that , which was good , and to establish certaine customes , which were not so ; at least , I did what I could , to introduce them ; and I had alwaies power enough , to doe hurt . So that they blamed me , without anie fault of theirs ; nor doe I say , that they were only Religious Woemen , but others also , who told me truth , because it was permitted by thee . When once I was saying my Office , I , who had sometimes , been subiect to this temptation , came to this Verse : Iustus es , Domine , & rectum iudicium tuum ; Thou art iust O Lord , and thy iudgement is right ; and I beganne to consider , how true this was ; for , in this kind , the Diuel had neuer power to tempt me , so farre , as to make me doubt , but that thou , O Lord , art the Owner , and Authour of all goodnes ; no nor yet , in anie thing at all , which belongs to Faith. Nay rather it seemed to me , that the more they were aboue Nature , the more firmely did I belieue them ; yea , and they caused euen more deuotion in me . And , in regard that thou art Omnipotent , all such greatnesses , as thou shouldst be pleased to act , and execute , were resolued vpon , and concluded in me ; and of this , as I was saying , I neuer had doubt . So that , when I came afterward to consider , how thou couldst permit , that there should be so manie deare Seruants of thine , as I was saying , who yet receaued not those Fauours , and Regalos , which thou wert pleased , to vouchsafe me , ( I being so miserable a Creature , as I was ) thou answeredst me thus , O Lord : Doe thou serue me ; and doe not trouble thy self , vvith that . Now , this was the verie first Word of that kind , which euer I perceiued thee to speake to me ; and therefore , it amazed me much ; And I will , heerafter , declare this manner of vnderstanding things ; togeather with diuers others . I speake not of it heer ; for it were to goe from the purpose ; and I belieue , I haue gone from it already ; and , in effect , I scarce know , what I haue sayd ; nor can it indeed , well , be otherwise ; but your Reuerence must needs beare with these interuals , and interruptions . For , when I once consider , how much God endures at my hands , and , withall , behold my self in this condition , it is not to goe for a strange thing , that I loose my ayme , both in that , which I say , and am to say . And I beseech our Lord , that all my impertinencies , and roauings , may alwaies be of this kind ; and that his Diuine Maiestie may not permit , that I may euer varie one haires breadth , from him , but rather , that I may be consumed , euen in this moment . For it may well be sufficient for me , to haue obserued , and discerned his great mercie , not once , but often , in that he hath been pleased , to pardon so great an ingratitude , as mine . He pardoned S. Peter once ; but me , often ; so that the Diuel had some kind of reason , to tempt me , as hopeing , that I would not pretend , to hold straight friendship with one , with whome I had been in so publique enmitie . But how great , O Lord , was this blindnes of mine ? For , where could I euer thinke , O my Lord , to find anie remedie , but by thee ? What a senslesse kind of follie , was it for me , to fly from the light , that so , I might , for euer , goe stumbling-on in the darke ? What a foolish kind of proud Humilitie was that , which the Diuel inuented for me , when he perswaded me to depart , from leaning against that Staffe , and Pillar , * which might support me ; that so , my Fall might not be so great ? At this instant doe I blesse my self , with the Crosse ; for , me thinkes , I neuer passed a danger , so very hazardous , in my whole life , as this inuention was , which the Diuel had a minde to teach me , by way of Humilitie . For , he put it into my conceipt , to thinke , how it could be possible , that so wicked a thing , as my self , hauing receiued so great Fauours , from Almightie God , could euer procure to come to Mentall Prayer ; and that , for me , it would suffice , if I sayd those Vocall Prayers , to which I was bound ; as others did ; but that , since now I did not euen thus much , well , what sense was there , that I should pretend to doe more ; and that this , was to expresse little reuerence to Almightie God , and to vnderualue his Fauours . It was fitt , to thinke , and know all this ; but to put it in execution , had been extreamly ill done . And be thou Blessed , O Lord , who broughtst me the remedie . For , this temptation seems to haue been no lesse , then a beginning to that other , which the Diuel brought vpon Iudas ; but , that Traitour , the Diuel , durst not tempt me , so openly , but would faine haue come , by little and little , to set vpon me ; as he did , vpon him . And now , for the loue of our Lord , let all them , who vse Mentall Prayer , consider * that , which followes , very well . Let them know , that , during the time , when I forbore it , my life was much worse , then before . And let it be well considered , what a fine kind of remedie the Diuel brought me , and what a daintie ridiculous Humilitie , it must be , which could fill me , with so deep a disquiet . For indeed , how could this Soule of mine , appease it self ? The ignorant , foolish Creature went away , as fast as she could , from her true repose , and rest . She had her Fauours , and Regalo's , present to her memorie ; and she found , that the contentments of this world , were so loathsome , as euen almost to prouoke a Vomit . But I am amazed , how I could endure it ; though belike , it was with some kind of hope , that , at the worst hand , I might be able to remaine free from Sinne ; for , I neuer , as I remember , ( though yet , it be now , more then one & twentie yeares agoe ) gaue-ouer a being resolued , to returne to Prayer . But , O , how ill-grounded , and addressed , was this hope of mine ? For , the Diuel would faine haue turned me ouer , till the Day of Iudgement ; that so , from thence , he might conduct me to Hell. But yet now afterward , I frequenting Prayer , & Reading , which was indeed the way , to see reall Truths ; & looking downe , vpon that wicked course , which I was holding ; and often importuning our Blessed Lord , with manie teares , I was yet , so very wretched , that I knew not , by anie meanes , how to help my self . But then againe , on the other side , I growing to giue-ouer these good things , and employing my self vpon certaine idle pastimes ; and exposing my self to manie occasions of ill ; and enioying very few helps ; ( and I may rather venture to say , none at all , but only such , as might help mee to fall ) for what , might I euer hope , but what I haue sayd ? I beleiue , that a certaine Religious man of S. Dominick's Order , who was very learned , hath great merit , in the sight of God ; for he awaked me out of this sleep . And he made me ( as , I thinke , I haue already expressed ) receaue the B. Sacrament , euerie Forthnight . And so , my miserie being then , not altogeather so great , I beganne to come back againe into my self ; though yet withall , I forbore not , to commit some offences against our Lord. But , because I had not lost my way , I went still on , with falling , & rising ; though yet , but by little , and little . And he , who neuer giues-ouer to goe forward , will ariue at length , by going softly , though it be late . For my part , I conceaue , that , for a Soule to loose her way , and to leaue her Prayer , is indeed but one , and the self same thing ; and our Lord deliuer vs from it , for his owne Mercies sake . It is , heervpon , to be inferred , ( and I desire , euen for the loue of our Lord , that it may be much obserued ) that , although a Soule shall come to such passe , as that our Lord may doe her great Fauours , in Prayer , she must not yet , be confident of her self , since she may yet , come to fall againe . And let her not , by anie meanes , expose her self to * occasions of Sinne. Let her be carefull , to consider thus much ; for , the deceipt , of which the Diuel is wont to serue himself , in this occasion , is very great . For , though the Fauour , which was imparted to the Soule , were most certainly from Almightie God , yet the Traytour will not faile to serue himself of that verie Fauour , in whatsoeuer he can ; and especially , for the disaduantage of persons , who are not strong in vertue , and mortification ; nor are absolutly vntyed , and loose , from all things , belonging to this world . For , men , in fine , must know , that they are not , by meanes of this Prayer , sufficiently strengthned , and fortifyed ( as I will declare afterward ) for the putting themselues into occasions , and dangers ; how great desires , and resolutions soeuer , they may haue . This is an excellent Doctrine ; and it is not mine , but taught by Almightie God himself ; and so I shall be glad , that all ignorant persons , like me , may learne it . For , though a Soule be neuer so high , in this State , yet must she not trust her self so farre , as to goe out , to combat ; but she will haue acquitted her self well , if she can defend her self . So that , in this State , and condition , it will be necessarie for her , to carrie Defensiue Armes , against the Diuel ; for yet , she hath not strength enough , wherewith to assault him ; and much lesse , to tread him vnder foot ; as yet , they will be able to doe , who shall find themselues , in that State ; whereof I will discourse afterward . But this , is that deuise , and cosening-Trick , whereby the Diuel is wont to take vs ; That , when once he sees a Soule ariue to be so very neare to our Lord , and which can iudge so very well , of the difference , between the blessings , which belong to this life , and the next ; and of the Loue , which our Lord beares to that Soule ; from this very Loue , he makes such a kind of confidence , and securitie grow , as that she shall neuer , forsooth , be able to fall from that , which she is enioying , at that time . And she also seemes , there-vpon , to eye her reward , so very clearly , that she is easily brought to hold it , euen impossible for her , to quitt that , which is so very delightfull , and gustfull , euen in this life , for so base , and filthie a thing , as worldlie pleasure is . Now , by meanes of this vaine confidence , doth the Diuel grow to depriue her , of the distrust , which otherwise she would haue , of her owne strength ; and thus , she exposes her self , as I was saying , to danger ; and beginnes , with a foolish kind of good zeale , to be giuing the Fruits of her Garden , away , to others , without anie limits ; as beleiuing now , that she hath no more cause , so to be afrayd , concerning her self ; and that this , is not , forsooth , out of pride ( for , the Soule vnderstands well enough , that she is able to doe nothing , of her self ) but through the much * confidence , which she hath , in Almightie God. Yet all this , is without discretion ; because she doth not well consider , that she hath not yet , mewed all her owne sick-feathers . She may well stepp out of her Nest ; yea , and Almightie God himself , will , perhaps , take her , now , and then , out , from thence . But she is not yet , fitt for a Flight , because her vertues are not yet growne to be of full strength ; nor hath she yet , experience , for the knowledge of dangers ; nor doth she yet , vnderstand the mischeif , which growes , by putting too much trust , in her owne forces . And now , this is that , which destroyed me ; and both for this , and for all things , there will be great necessitie , of a Directour ; and of conuersation with persons , who are spirituall , indeed . It is true , I am fully perswaded , that , when Almightie God doth once bring a Soule to this state , he will not leaue to fauour her , nor suffer her to perish ; if she doe not very shamefully , and entirely , forsake , and forbeare , to serue his Diuine Maiestie . But yet , if it should so happen , that she fall , let her consider , and consider againe , ( euen for the loue of our Blessed Lord ) and take heed , that the Diuel deceaue her not , so farre , as to make her giue-ouer her Prayer , as he did me , vnder the pretence of false Humilitie ; as I haue declared ; and , as I would fayne repeat , very often . But , let her trust in the goodnes of Almightie God , which is greater , then all the sinnes , which we can commit ; and let her hope , that he will not remember our ingratitude , when once we , reflecting duly vpon our selues , desire to returne againe to his friendship ; nor euen * so farre consider the Fauours , which he hath done vs , as to make vs be punished for them ; but that rather they will help to obtaine pardon for vs , so much the sooner , as for persons , who haue belonged to his House , and haue had the honour to eat ( as men vse to say ) of his bread . Let them remember his words ; and consider , how he hath proceeded with me , who euen wearied my self , with offending his Diuine Maiestie , before he would forbeare , or faile , to pardon me . For , he neuer growes vnwilling to giue ; nor is it euer possible , to draw his Mercies dry ; and so , let not vs be wearie of euer receauing Fauour , at his hands . Let him be blessed for euer , Amen ; and let all creatures praise him . THE TWENTIETH CHAPTER VVherein she treats of the difference , betvveen Vnion , and Rapt ; and declares , vvhat kind of thing , a Rapt is . She speakes also , of the blessing , vvhich that Soule hath , vvhich our Lord , through his goodnes , brings thither ; and of the Effects , vvhich Rapts vse to produce . This Discourse is of much admiration . I Would be glad to know , how to declare ( through the Fauour of Almightie God ) the difference , which there is , between Vnion , on the one side ; and Rapt , and Flight , ( as they are wont to call it ) of Spirit , on the other ; for , these two latter , doe signifye , in substance , but one thing ; and it is also called Extasis . The aduantage is very great , which belongs to Rapt , beyond Vnion ; and the effects also , which it produces , are much greater ; and it hath also manie other operations . For , meer Vnion , seemes to be alwaies , after the same manner ; both in the beginning ; in the middle ; and in the end ; and it is alwaies , in the interiour part . But now , as Rapts are Visitations of the Soule , which vse to be of a higher Straine , they are wont to produce their Effects , not only interiourly , but exteriourly also . I humbly beseech our Blessed Lord , that , as he hath vouchsafed to declare the rest , so he will also vouchsafe to doe this ; for certainly , if his Diuine Maiestie had not been pleased to giue me to vnderstand , by what meanes , & in what manner , it might be done , I should not possibly haue knowne , which way to turne my hand . Let vs therefore now consider , that this last Water , whereof we haue spoken , is so very plentifull , and abundant , that , if it were not , because the Soyle of the Garden cannot consent to receaue it , we might beleiue , that the verie Clowd it self , of that great Maiestie , were heer , rayning it self downe , vpon this earth . And so , when we are gratefull to our Lord , for this great blessing , acknowledging the same , by our good workes , according to the vttermost of our power , our Lord catches-vp * that Soule ( as a man may say ) euen iust so , as the clowdes snatch vp the vapours , from the earth ; and so , taking her wholy vp , from the same earth , the clowd rises vp to Heauen , and carries the same along , with it self ; and shewes her certaine things , belonging to that Kingdome , which is prepared for her . I know not , whether this Comparison will be thought to suite well , with that , whereof I am speaking ; but I am sure , that , in realitie of truth , it passes thus . In these Rapts , it doth not seem , that the Soule doth euen animate the Bodie ; and so , the Bodie it self , remaines with a kind of trouble , and defect , through the want of that naturall heat , which belongs to it ; and it goes , all cooling it self , though yet , with an excessiue sweetnes , and delight . There is heer , no meanes at all , to resist ; though in Vnion ( we being then , as in our owne Countrie ) there is some remedie ; and so ( though it be not without suffering a kind of paine , and vsing some force ) it may alwaies , in effect , be employed . But heer , for the most part , there is no remedie , at all ; nor anie helpe ; but , manie times , the thing ariues , without our being so much as able to preuent the coming of it , euen by our very thought . And there growes to be , such a speedie , and strong kind of impetuositie , that you feele , and find this Clowd to raise it self instantly vp ; or rather , that this strong Eagle takes you , and carries you quite away , between her wings . And I say , it is vnderstood , and you find your self to be carried away , though you know not , whither . For , howsoeuer the thing happen to be with delight , yet so great is the weaknes of our naturall condition , that it puts vs into some feare , in the beginning . And therefore , it will be necessarie , in this case , for the Soule , to be much more couragious , and resolute , then for all those occasions , which were precedent . For heer , she must be content to hazard all , and to leaue her self wholy , in the hands of Almightie God ; and to goe , whithersoeuer she shall be carried ; and this , with a very good will ; for , in fine , they will be sure to carrie her , whether she will , or no ; and that , with so great extremitie of strength , and speed , that , howsoeuer I had a minde , very , very often , to resist it , yea , and that I employed all the strength I had , to that purpose , ( and especially , at some particular times , when things fell out , to happen , in publique ; yea , and at manie other times also , when they were priuate ; for I was then , in doubt , and feare , least I might be abused , and deceiued ) it was yet but seldome , that I was able to preuaile , to some small proportion . But it cost mee a very great deale of harrassing , & wearines , to my self , iust so , as if some ordinarie person had been fighting with some strong Giant ; & afterward I should finde my self very weary . But at other times , it was altogeather impossible for me to hinder it ; for , my Soule would be carried absolutly away , and ordinarily , euen my head , as it were , after it ; yea & this , sometimes , so farre , as that my whole Bodie would be transported so , as to be raised-vp from the ground . This last , hath happened rarely to me ; but once it was vpon the very point to ariue , whilst we all , were assembled togeather , in the Quire ; and I being then , vpon my knees , ( as at the point of going to receaue the Blessed Sacrament ) it put me to an extremitie of trouble ; because it seemed to be a very extraordinarie thing , and that instantly , there would be much note of it ; and so I commanded my Religious-woemen ( for at that time , I was growne to be Prioresse ) that they should not speake of it , to anie creature . But , at other times , when I beganne to discerne , that our Lord was going about , to doe the same , againe , ( and once , in particular , when diuers principall Ladies were present ; and it was vpon the Feast of our Vocation , when there was a Sermon ) I did euen spread my self , all along , vpon the ground ; and though the Religious woemen came then about me , to keep my Bodie downe , yet the thing was easily perceiued . Vpon this , I humbly prayed our Lord , in most particular manner , that , by no meanes , he would doe me anie such Fauours , as might carrie anie of these exteriour demonstrations , with them ; for , already , I was very wearie of being necessarily so wary , and watchfull ouer my self ; for that such kind of Fauours , could not possibly be done me , by his Diuine Maiestie , but so , that euerie bodie , would come to know it . And it seemes , that , through his goodnes , he hath been pleased to heare my Prayer ; for , since that time , I neuer had anie Rapts of that kinde , and to that proportion ; but it is true , that it is notlong , since I had the last . But yet now , so it is , that when I had a minde to resist these Rapts , there seemed to be somewhat of so mightie force , vnder my feet , which raised me vp , that I know not , to what to compare it ; but it came with much more impetuositie , then anie of these other things of Spirit ; and so , I was euen torne , as it were , to peices ; for , the combat , and strife , is great ; but , in fine , all helped little ; for , when our Lord hath a minde to doe anie thing , no power is able to stand against it . At other times , he is pleased to content himself , with letting vs see , that he is disposed , to doe vs that Fauour , and that there is no auersion , in his Diuine Maiestie ; and that we , opposing our selues , for Humility's sake , there follow yet , the self-same Effects , as if we had wholy consented . Now , these * Effects are great . For first , the mightie power of our Blessed Lord , is made apparant thereby ; and that , when his Diuine Maiestie is pleased to dispose of things otherwise , we are no more able to detaine our Bodies , then our Soules ; nor are we Lords therof ; but we must , in despight of our harts , acknowledge , that there is a Superiour ; and that these Fauours come from him ; and that , of our selues , we can doe nothing , in nothing ; and so , a great impression of Humilitie , is made vpon the Soule , by this meanes . And further , I confesse , that it bred also a great feare in me , ( and , at the first , an extreame great one ) to see , that a massie Bodie should be taken-vp from the earth . For , though the Spirit be that , which drawes it after it ; and though it be with great suauitie , and delight , ( if it be not resisted ) yet our Senses are not lost thereby ; at least I , for my part , was so perfectly in my Senses , that I was able to vnderstand , that I was raised . There doth also , heerby , appeare so great a Maiestie in him , who can doe this , that it makes , euen the verie haire of the head , stand on end ; and there remaines a mightie feare , to offend so great a God ; but yet so , as that it is wrapped vp , in an excessiue kind of loue , which she beginns to conceaue , euen newly , and freshly againe , towards him , whome she finds , to carrie so great a loue to such rotten wormes , as we are . For now he seemes not content , with drawing the Soule only to himself , in so particular , and so certaine a manner , but that he will needs also , draw the verie Bodie too , euen whilst it is so very mortall , and composed of so filthie earth , as we haue made it , by our Sinnes . This also leaues , in the Soule , a very strange kind of loosning , and casting it self off , from all the things of this world ; whereof I know not , how to expresse well , what it is ; but , me thinkes , I may well say , that it is not only , in some sort , a different , but also a greater kind of thing , then those others , which worke vpon the onlie Spirit , import . For though , in those other Visitations also , there be a kind of totall vntying , and loosning it self from all things , for as much as concernes the Spirit ; yet heer , it seemes , our Lord is pleased , that euen the Bodie also it self , shall put this point , in practise . And it breeds , in anie Creature , such a new kind of shynesse , and mislike , in order to the things of this world , that it makes euen our verie life much the more painefull to vs. It giues also such another * paine , as we can neither tell , how to procure , when we haue it not ; nor free our selues from the same , when we haue it . And I would be extreamly glad , to be able , to giue this , to be vnderstood ; but , I belieue , I shall not know , how to doe it ; though yet , I will say somewhat , if I be able . But now , it is to be noted , that these things come vpon me , when I am , as it were , in the verie Euening of the day , after all those Visions , and Reuelations , whereof I will write ; & after the time , when I vsed to hold that Prayer , wherein our Lord was wont to allow me so great Regalo's , and gusts . And though yet these things doe not cease with me , at some times , yet doth this Paine , more often , and more vsually seaze vpon me , which I will now declare . It hath sometimes , of the more ; and sometimes , of the lesse ; and now I will apply my self , to speake of it , as when it hath of the more . For , though I will treat heerafter , of those great impetuosities , which they vsed to bring vpon me , before our Lord was pleased to giue me those Rapts ; yet they had , in my opinion , no more to doe , by way of Comparison , one with another , then there is , between things Corporall , and Spirituall . And I beleiue , that I doe not exaggerate the matter , a whitt , by saying so ; because that Paine seemes to be such , as that , although the Soule doe feele it , yet it feeles it , togeather , vvith the Bodie ; and so , both of them , participate therin . And it is not also , with that extremitie , of being , as it were , abandoned , and vtterly forsaken ; which yet abounds in this ; wherein , as I was saying , we haue no part at all , our selues . But , there often comes a kind of desire , vnseasonably , and vnexpectedly , vpon vs ; and I know not , from whence it moues . And , vpon this desire , which penetrates the whole Soule , euen at one verie instant , she beginnes to afflict , and euen belabour her self so , as that she rises much aboue her self ; and indeed , aboue whatsoeuer is created ; and Almightie God is pleased , to make her so very desolate , & disgusted , in order to all temporall things , that , how much soeuer she may labour , and endeauour to the contrarie , there is nothing in this world , which will either accompanie her , or whereby she would be glad to be accompanied , but euen directly to dye , in that Solitude . For , if anie bodie speake to her , or if she would employ all the power , which possibly she might haue , to speake to others , it serues to very little purpose ; for , her Spirit ( doe what she can ) doth still , not depart , from making her find her selfe , to be perfectly alone . And though it seem to me , as if Almightie God were then , extreamly remote from her ; yet , at times , he communicates his greatnesses to her , by a manner , the most highly strange , that can be imagined ; yea and more strange , then can possibly be expressed . Nor doe I beleiue , that anie other creature will either beleiue it , or can vnderstand it ; but only some such person , as may haue felt it . For , this is no communication , to giue comfort ; but only to shew the reason , which that person hath , to be afflicted , and distressed , for being absent from that Good , which comprehends all good things , in it self . By meanes of this communication , both the desire doth encrease , and so also , doth the extremitie of that Solitude , wherein the Soule findes her self ; togeather with a certaine paine , which is so very delicate , and penetratiue ( the Soule being placed then , in that kind of Desert ) that it may expresly , and euen literally , seem to be , at that time , that verie thing , where of the Royall Prophet spoke , when he was , in the same verie Solitude . Saue that , our Blessed Lord would vouchsafe the sense of those things , to him , and make him feele it , being a Saint , after a more perfect manner . But the words , whereof I speake , were these : Vigilaui , & factus sum sicut passer solitarius in tecto . I haue vvatched , and am become like a solitarie Sparrovv , vpon the topp of a House . For so doth that Verse represent it self to me , at those times , that , me thinkes , I doe euen see mine owne condition , therin . And it comforts me to obserue , that others haue also found themselues , in so high an extremitie of Solitude ; and especially , when they were such persons , as the Royall Prophet was . So that , me thinkes , this kind of Soule , is not then , it self ; but rather vpon the verie topp , or ridge , as one may say , therof ; yea , and of all things also , which are created ; for then , mee thinkes , the Soule remaines , in the very highest , and most superiour part of her self . At other times , the Soule seemes to find her self , in that occasion , as in the verie extremitie of necessitie , and miserie ; and that then , she is saying , and asking her self this question : VVhere is novv thy God ? But now heer , it is to be noted , that , for my part , I knew not then , what those words signifyed in the vulgar Toung ; yet , when afterwards I came to know it , I was much comforted to see , that our Lord was pleased to bring them to my memorie , without anie procurement at all , of mine . At other times , I also called that Saying of S. Paul to minde : That he vvas crucifyed to the vvorld . I say not , that I was so ; for I see but too well , that I am not ; but me thinkes , the Soule , in this case , is very much after that manner ; for , she gets no comfort , either from Heauen , because she is not there ; nor carries she anie affection at all , to the Earth ; nor is she also there , but remaines , as if she were euen crucifyed , between Heauen , & Earth ; and suffering all the while , without receauing anie succour , either from one of these places , or the other . For , that which comes to her from Heauen , ( which is , as I haue sayd before , but a notice of Almightie God , so admirable , aboue all that , which we know anie way , how to desire ) doth but serue for her greater torment , because it multiplyes the same desire , in such sort , that the excessiue paine thereof , doth put her , in my opinion , euen past her senses ; saue that she remaines so , but a very little while . Now this condition of minde , seemes to be no lesse , then euen the verie agonie , and passage of death it self ; yet withall , there is so very great a contētment taken in this suffering , that I know not , to what , in fine , I may possibly be able to compare it . It is a feirce , and yet a sauourie , and delightfull kind of Martyrdome ; since all that , which concernes this world , and which it is possible , to represent to the Soule ( yea though it were , euen the most delightfull Obiect , which euer she had been accustomed to embrace ) is by no meanes admitted , but is instantly , cast sharply away , from her . She vnderstands also heer , very well , that she cares for nothing at all , but Almightie God ; and yet , she considers no particular thing , euen in him ; but she will haue him , all togeather ; and yet , after a sort , she knowes not , what she would haue . I say againe , that she knowes not ; because her Imagination represents nothing at all , to her ; yea and , in my opinion , during a great part of that time , wherein she is after that manner , the Powers of her Soule doe not worke that ioy , which vses to be felt , both in the case of Vnion , and of Rapts ; for they are wholy suspended by her paine . But O , that I were able to giue your Reuerence to vnderstand this busines , well ; though it were , but , that you might so , make me know more particularly , what it is . For now , this is that , in which my Soule doth ordinarily most cōtinue ; & , whensoeuer I am not employed about somewhat , she is put euen vpon these verie straights , and agonie of death . She is afrayd , when she sees them beginne , for feare least it should cost me my life ; but yet when it is once begunne , she would be glad , that , during all that life , which might last , she might continue , in that state of sufferance ; though yet still , it be so very excessiue , that the person is scarce able to endure it . For , sometimes , I am , in effect , without anie pulse at all , as my Sisters tell me , who then come towards me , to see what passes ; for now they beginne a little , to vnderstand more , of the case . And the bones of my verie armes , to which the ioynts are fastned , grow then to be euen opened ; and my hands are so starke , and stiffe , that I cannot possibly , sometimes , bring them togeather ; and so the paine remaines , till the next day after , in my wrests , and in my Bodie , in such a manner , that it seems , as if I were euen racked , and disioynted . And I am sometimes conceauing , that our Lord may one day , perhaps , thinke fitt ( in case this course goe on ) to make it end , with the verie ending of my life . For , so great a torment as this , may well , in my opinion , be sufficient , for so great an effect , as that ; saue only , that I deserue not , to be so happie . All the anxietie of my desire , consists , at this time , that I may dye . For I neither remember Purgatorie , nor yet those great Sinnes , which I haue committed , for which I deserued Hell-Fire . But , all is now forgotten , through that anxietie of desire , and appetite , to see Almightie God ; yea , and that vast Solitude , and Desert , wherein I am , at that time , seemes a much more desireable thing , then all the sweetest societie of this world . If anie thing were of power , to giue her cōfort , in this case , it would be , that she might be able to treat with some one , who had endured the same tormēt ; for now , though she cōplaine therof , it seems , that no Creature can tell , how to beleiue her . It also contributes to her torment , that this paine is so extreame , that she would faine , neither be in Solitude , nor yet haue companie , as others haue ; but only to haue the societie of some such persons , as to whome , she might be able to make her complaint . It is with her , in in this case , as with one , who euen hath the halter about his neck ; and who , whilst he is euen strangling , endeauours , and would faine take his breath . For , iust so , me thinkes , doth this inclination to haue companie , seem , to be an effect of our naturall frailtie , and weaknes ; that , as this excessiue paine seems to put vs to iminent danger of death , ( for , it is certaine , that it doth all this ; and I haue seen my self , diuers times , in this danger , through my great sicknesses , and other occasions ; as I haue declared ; and I will beleiue , that this may perhaps , proue to be as great , as anie of the rest ) so the desire , and inclination , which , both the Bodie , and Soule haue , not to be parted , is that , which seekes such a kind of succour , as to take breath ; and by expressing it self , and diuerting , and complaining , seeks yet , for some meanes , how to liue againe , heer below ; though still , much against the will of the Spirit , or superiour part of the Soule , which would faine not be quitt of this Paine . I know not , whether I hitt right , in what I say , or if I know indeed , how to doe it ; but to the vttermost , and best of my opinion , it passes iust thus , as I haue declared . And now , your Reuerence shall doe well , to consider , what kind of rest , or ease , it is possible for me to enioy , in this life ; since that , which I was wont to find by meanes of Solitude , and Prayer ( for therein , our Lord was pleased , to giue me great consolations ) is now most vsually conuerted into this torment ; which yet , withall , is so delicious a kind of thing , and the Soule perceaues it to be of so high value , that now , she delights in it more , then in all those other Regalo's which she was euer wont to possesse . For she holds it , to be more secure , as being the way of the Crosse ; and it giues also , in my opinion , a gust , which is of mighty worth . For she allowes nothing at all to the Bodie , but paine ; and the Soule is that , which originally suffers ; and doth only feele that ioy , and high contentment , which this verie suffering , giues her . I know not , how all this , can be ; but yet it passes so , in verie truth , that ( forasmuch as I can vnderstand of my self ) I would not change this Fauour , which our Lord doth me , ( and which proceeds , as I haue sayd , from his hand , and is no way acquired by me , as being wholy Supernaturall , in it self ) for all those others , which I I shall heer declare , afterward ; I say not , for all them togeather , but for any one of them , being taken seuerally , by it selfe . And heer , let it not be forgotten , how I say , that these impetuosities , or impulses , which are described heer , ariued after the Fauours , which our Lord did me first ; as also after all that , whereof I will write in this Booke ; yea , & euen after my entrance into the Fauour , which I am enioying at this present . And I , finding my self , in the beginnings , to be in some feare ( as , in effect , it happens to me alwaies , whensoeuer it pleases our Lord to doe me anie Fauour ; till at least , in the proceeding therof , I may haue receaued some kind of securitie from his Diuine Maiestie ) he willed me , not to feare , but to esteem this Fauour , for greater , then all those others were , which he had formerly been pleased to vouchsafe me ; because the Soule was purifyed by this paine ; and for that it was burnished , & refined heer , as gold might be in the Chrysuble ; that so it might be the more capable , to receaue those enamels , and ornaments of his guifts , and graces ; and that so , that was to be wiped away , which would otherwise haue made worke for Purgatorie . I vnderstood very well , euen before , that this was a great Fauour ; but yet I remained with much more securitie , after this ; and my Ghostlie Father also tells me , that it is good . And though I were formerly afrayd , yet , because I am so wicked , I could neuer bring my self to beleiue , that it was ill ; but rather the verie greatnes it self , of the benefit , gaue me a kind of feare , when I remembred , how very farre I had been from deseruing it . But , Blessed be our Lord , who is so good , Amen . It seemes , that I haue gone from the purpose ; for I was beginning to speake of Rapts ; and this , which now I haue sayd , is a greater thing , then a Rapt ; and so it leaues those effects , in the Soule , which I haue related . And therefore , let vs now returne to speake of Rapts ; and of that , which is most vsuall therin . I say then , that it seemed to me , manie times , that it * left my whole Bodie so light , that all the weight thereof , was vtterly gone ; yea and sometimes , to such a kind of proportion , as , in effect , I knew not , how to set , so much as my feet , vpon the ground ; though yet , when the Soule is in Rapt , the Bodie remaines apart , as if it were vtterly dead , being able , manie times , to doe absolutly nothing at all , of it self ; but as it chances to be , at the time , so it remaines , whether it be sitting , or no ; or whether it haue the hands , either open , or closed . For , though she loose her senses , some few times , ( and the same hath also hapned to me , now and then ) yet haue they seldome been totally lost ; and that , but for a very short time at once . The most vsuall effect , is wont to be , that she finds her self , a little in disorder ; and though she can doe nothing of her self , forasmuch as may concerne the ministerie of the exteriour part , yet leaues she not to vnderstand , yea and also to heare , as if a thing were spoken to her , from farre off . I say not , that she either vnderstands , or heares , when she is in the highest part of the Rapt ( I say , in the verie highest ) at those times , when the Faculties , or Powers , are lost ; because then , they are very straightly vnited to Almightie God ; and then , in my opinion , she neither sees , nor heares . But ( as I was saying , in the former Prayer of Vnion ) this totall transforming of the Soule into God , is wont to continue little ; yet , for the time it lasts , no Power of the Soule , either feeles , or doth so much as know , what passes there . And this , seemes to be , after this manner ; to the end , that men may vnderstand , that it is not God's will , that we should know it ; and belike , we are not capable therof ; at least , it hath passed thus , with me . But now your Reuerence will peraduenture aske me , how then it can come to passe , that a Rapt should be able to last so manie howers . To which I answer , that the thing , which hath often occurred to me , is this ; That ( as I haue declared already , in the former Prayer ) we enioy Rapts , by certaine interuals , and interruptions . For , the Soule doth , manie times , ingulfe it self ; or rather ( to speake both more properly , and more truly ) our Lord ingulfs the Soule into him , and entertaines her so , a while ; and then there remaines that onlie Facultie of hers , which is the Will. Now , me thinkes , that busines , and bussle , of the other two Faculties , and Powers , is like those * little Needles of Sunne-Dyals , which vsually doe neuer stand still ; but yet , when the Sunne of Iustice hath a minde to it , he makes them stable , and firme ; now this , I say , lasts but a very little while . But yet , since the impulse , and impetuositie was great , and the exaltation of the Spirit , high , the Will remaines ingulfed , and behaues it self like a Soueraigne Ladie , ouer all those operations , which concerne the Bodie ; though those other Faculties , and Powers of the Minde , be in agitation , and disorder . And so also , since those other two sayd vnquiet , and disorderlie Powers , haue a minde to disturbe , and distract the Will , ( for , of enemies , the fewer , euer the better ) the Senses are not suffered to diuert it . And so it growes from hence , that they are also suspended ; because our Blessed Lord , is so pleased ; and , for the most part , the eyes are shut , though yet we had no intention , to shut them ; and though , by accident , they may be open sometimes , yet ( as I sayd before ) she doth not fix , or ayme , or consider , at least , at all , what she sees . But now , the Bodie , heer , is much lesse able to doe anie thing with it self , in order to that time , when the sayd Powers shall returne to be vnited ; for then , there will not be much , for it , to doe . And therefore , let him , to whome our Lord shall vouchsafe this Fauour , not be discomforted at all , if then , he chance to find , both the Bodie , to be , as it were , bound vp , manie howers ; yea and euen his verie Vnderstanding , and Memorie , to be diuerted sometimes . True it is , that Soules be ordinarily , in this case , euen drenched , yea and , as it were , drowned , in the praises of Almightie God ; and in desiring also , to comprehend , and vnderstand that , which hath passed with themselues ; and yet , euen for this purpose , they vse not to be very well awake , but rather like some one , who hath slept , and dreamt , and is not yet , come very well againe , to himself . I declare my thoughts so largely heerin ; because I know , there are persons , at this time , yea & euen in this verie place , to whome our Lord doth these Fauours ; and yet , if they , who direct them , haue wanted the experience of these things , perhaps they will conceaue , that they are to be , as it were , dead , in these Rapts ; especially , if these Directours be not learned men . And it is matter , both of pittie , and greif , to consider , how much is suffered , by meanes of such Ghostlie Fathers , as doe not vnderstand this busines ; which I will declare afterward . Perhaps I know not well , what I say ; but your Reuerence will easily vnderstand , if I hitt anie thing right , since our Lord hath already giuen you experience therin ; though yet , because it is not long , since you began , you will not , peraduenture , haue considered it , so much as I. But now , though I endeauoured * much , and manie times ; yet the Bodie hath not strength , wherewith to stirre it self , but the Soule carries it all , along with her . The person , who was sick , doth thus recouer health , manie times ; and she , who was full of weaknes , and paine , recouers strength . For , they be great things , which are bestowed in these cases ; and sometimes our Lord is pleased ( as I was saying ) that the Bodie should also feele his part of ioy , since already it yeilds obedience to that , which the Soule desires . When once she is returned into her self , it will happen to her ( if the Rapt haue been great ) to goe a day , or two , yea and sometimes three , with the Powers , so absorpt , and , as it were , stupifyed , that they seem not to be , altogeather themselues . But now , heer comes-in the paine , to be able to know againe , how to liue ; heer , are our feathers imped ; and heer , are the sick ones falne off ; and heer , is the Banner of Christ our Lord , so directly raised-vp , and displayed , that now , there seemes to remaine no more , but that the Captaine of this Fort , may either get vp himself , or els may instantly , be carried-vp to the highest Tower , there , to plant the sayd Standard , for the glorie of Almighty God. She lookes now vpon them , who are below , as one , who is already in safetie ; for now , she is so farre from fearing dangers , that she rather wishes for them ; as a person , to whome , in some sort , a securitie , for obtaining victorie , is designed . She sees now , very clearly , the little , that all worldlie things ought to be esteeemed ; or rather , the direct Nothing , which all things are . They , who are seated very high , are able to discouer very much . Already , she renounces the hauing of anie Will ; and is resolued , to haue no other , then that , which is the Will of our Lord ; and she giues him also the keyes of hers . So that now , she , who was the Gardner , is growne to be the Gouernour of the House ; nor will she doe anie thing at all , but according to the will of the Lord thereof ; nor will she be Ladie , so much as of her self ; no , nor of any thing ; nor euen of anie single Well of that Garden . And , if there be anie thing in her , which is good , she desires , that his Diuine Maiestie may dispose thereof ; for , she will not , from that time forward , possesse anie kinde of thing , whereof the proprietie may be her owne ; but couets , that all things may be entirely done , in conformitie to the will of our Blessed Lord , and for his glorie . Now really , and with effect , all these things are wont to passe in this manner , if the Rapts be true ; and the Soule is vested , with those aduantages , and benefits , which are related ; and , if these doe not follow , I should be apt to doubt , very much , that they were not Rapts , on the part of God ; but should rather be inclined to feare , that they were of that kind of Rauings , whereof S. Vincent speakes . At least , this is what I vnderstand ; and I haue seen , by experience it self , that the Soule is wont , in these cases , to become a Ladie , and Queen , ouer all Creatures ; and to acquire so much Libertie of Spirit , in lesse then an hower , that she cannot euen know her self ; but yet , she well vnderstands , that all this , is none of her owne ; nor doth she know , how she could come to obtaine so great a blessing ; but yet still , she vnderstands withall , the extreame great benefit , and aduantage , which euerie one of these Rapts bring vpon her . There is no Creature , who can credit all this , but such an one , as hath learnt it , by experience ; and therefore men beleiue not the poore Soule , which they haue seen to be wicked , and now find , so very soone , to pretend to doe certaine things , of so high importance ; for instantly she resolues , not to be content to serue our Lord in small matters , but in the very greatest she can . Now the world is apt to conceaue , that such endeauours are but impertinencies , and temptations ; and yet , if men would but vnderstand , and consider , that they are not things , which grow from themselues , but from our Blessed Lord , to whome they had already deliuered-vp the keyes of their Will , they would not so much wonder at it . For my part , I am of opinion , that a Soule , which comes once to this state , doth already neither doe , nor euen say anie thing , of her self , but that this Soueraigne King hath care of all that , which is to occurr . O my deare God! and how clearly doth a Soule see heer , the sense , and signification of that Verse ; and how it is to be vnderstood , that both he had reason , and that all the world should also haue it , to desire the vvings of a Doue . For it is easily , and clearly to be vnderstood , of that Flight , which the Spirit makes , whereby to raise it self , aboue all Creatures ; and , in the first place , from , and aboue her self . But this is a sweet Flight ; a gustfull , and pleasant Flight ; and a Flight without noise . What kinde of dominion doth such a Soule possesse , which our Lord doth once conduct to this pitch , that she may be able to looke downe , vpon all things , without being once intangled by anie of them ? and how full of confusion will she be , for that time , wherein she was intangled before ? And how much will she be amazed , to looke-back vpon that blindnes of hers ? How full , will she be of compassion , for such , as doe yet remaine therin ? especially , if they be persons of Prayer , and such , as it pleases God to regale . She will heer , be glad , to cry out very lowd , that so she may make men vnderstand , how mightily they are abused , and deceiued ; yea and so , she also doth , sometimes . And then , men are apt to rayne downe , euen whole showers of persecutions , vpon her head ; and they treat her , as one , who wants Humilitie , and who employes her self , to teach those persons , of whome she might doe well , to learne ; and especially , if she be a woeman ; for then , come they in , to condemne her ; yea and perhaps they may haue reason ; because they know not , by what impulse she is moued . But yet , as she knowes not , how to helpe her self , on the one side ; so also can she not forbeare , on the other , to vnbeguile those persons , whome she loues , & whome she desires to see vnfettered , from the Prison of this life ; for , that state , wherein she was , neither seemes lesse , nor is lesse , then a Prison . She is also much afflicted , and tired out , with the thought of that time , wherein she tooke anie care of points of Honour ; and for the grosse , false errour , wherein she was , to haue beleiued that , to be Honour , which the world calls Honour ; for she sees , that it was an abominable lye ; and yet , that euer ie bodie liues in practise of that false Doctrine . But now , this Soule vnderstands , and knowes , That , right Honour , is not false , but true ; esteeming that , to be worth somewhat , which indeed is so ; and holding that , which indeed is nothing , in no account at all ; since all is nothing , and lesse then nothing , which once comes to haue an end ; and , in the meane time , doth not please Almightie God. She despises also , and laughes at her self , for the time , wherein she made anie account of Monie , and of the couetous desires thereof ; though yet , in this particular , I doe not beleiue ( and certainly , it is very true ) that I euer had anie fault , to confesse ; but it will haue been fault enough , to haue held them , in anie manner of account . If , with them , I had been able to buy these blessings , which now I find in my self , I might haue esteemed them very much . But now , the Soule perceaues , that this blessing is gotten best , by leauing all things . But what , in fine , is that , which can be bought with this Monie , which we so much desire ? Is it anie thing of true worth ? Is it anie thing , which is durable ? Or to what end , doe we desire it ? A miserable kind of supply , and repose , doe we procure , by that , which costs vs so deare ; for we often goe with it to Hell ; and we buy no other thing , by meanes therof , then endlesse torment , in euerlasting fire . O that all men would , at length , resolue , to hold it but for earth , which is good for nothing ? How orderly would the world then proceed ? How free would all places be , from vniust contracts ? & how sincerely would all men performe acts of freindship , if once there raigned no interest , either of Honour , or monie , in the mindes of men ? For my part , I conceiue , that the world , would be reduced , to good order . This Soule sees also then , that there is a great blindnes , in the conceipt , which men frame , about the delights of this world ; and how we buy nothing , by their meanes , euen for this very life , which we leade heer , but affliction , and disquiet . How great disquiet , and how little contentment ? and , in fine , what a deale of labouring in vaine ? And heer , is the Soule able to discerne , not only grosse Cobwebs , and great faults , but euen anie poore graine of dust , how little soeuer , it may be ; and so , how much soeuer she may haue laboured , to perfect her self , if once the Sunne shine bright , and if the same Sunne strike it through , with those beames , in good earnest , she will find it to be dustie enough . It is like a Glasse , full of water , which you will hold to be very cleare , and pure , vnlesse the Sunne shine vpon it ; but if you see it once falne vpon , by those beames , you will find it to be all , full of moates . This Comparison is very literally true ; for , before the Soule is in this Extasis , she conceiues her self , to haue been very carefull , not to offend Almightie God ; & that she performed it according to the vttermost of her power ; but yet being come once so farre , as that this Sunne of Iustice shines vpon her , which makes her open her eyes , she then sees so many moates therin , that she would be glad , if she could tell how , to shut them againe ; for she is not yet , become so true an Eaglet , of this swift , and strong Eagle , which bred her , as that she can be able to looke earnestly vpon this Sunne . But , how little soeuer she chance to hold them open , she sees her self all impure ; and calls that Verse to minde , which saith : VVho shall euer be iust , in thy presence ? When once she beholds this Diuine Sunne , her sight is dazled , by the brightnes of it ; but when she lookes in , vpon her self , her eyes are stopped vp , with clay ; and so this poore Doue , is blind ; yea , and it happens manie times , that she also remaines blind , for good , and all ; as being absorpt , amazed , and , as it were , out of her witts , with so manie mightie greatnesses , as she is then , growne to see . Heer , finally , is true Humilitie acquired ; not careing , anie way at all , either to speake well of her self , or yet , that others should doe it . And our Lord deuides , and disposes of the Fruit of this Garden ; not she ; and so , there sticks nothing of it , to her fingars . All the good , which she hath , goes on , as still addressed to Almightie God ; and if she be drawne to say anie thing of her self , it is also directed to his glorie ; for she knowes , that she hath no interest therin ; and cannot be ignorant therof , euen though she would ; as discerning it , by the verie sight of her eyes , which are shut towards the things of this world , but which are still kept open , for the vnderstanding of Truths , almost whether she will , or no. THE ONE AND TWENTIETH CHAPTER . She prosecutes , and finishes , this last Degree of Prayer . She declares , vvhat the Soule finds therein , vvhen she returnes to liue againe , in the vvorld ; and the Light also , vvhich our Lord giues , concerning the deceipts , and errours of the same vvorld . This Chapter deliuers excellent Doctrine . I Will therefore now finish that , which I was saying ; That , namely , there is heer no more now anie need , that the Soule should giue anie new consent , since already she hath giuen it all ; and knowes , that she hath voluntarily , deliuered her self wholy vp , into his hands ; and that she cannot deceiue him , who is the knower of all things ; for it is not , as things passe heer , in this world , where all this life of ours , is full of nothing , but duplicities , and deceipts ; and , when you thinke you haue fully gotten the good will of anie Creature , by the shew he makes , you quickly come to vnderstand , that all , is tricks , and lyes ; and that no bodie can tell , how to liue in a world of so much odd busines ; especially , if there be anie little interest of the Parties . But blessed is that Soule , which our Lord comes once to draw to the knowledge of such things , as are reall Truths . O what a condition , and fortune were this , for Kings ! and how much would it import them , more , to gaine this great aduantage , then to get large Dominions , and States ? What rectitude would there be foūd , in the Kingdome ? How manie mischiefs , would haue been forborne already , & would also be forborne heerafter ? For heer , there is no feare of loosing life , or honour , for the loue of Almightie God ; but rather such losses as these , would goe for a great blessing , amōgst such , as find thēfelues carrie another māner of respect , to the honour of our Lord , then to all them , to whome they are lesse obliged . For , Kings are the men , whome those others follow ; and , in this case , these Kings , would loose a thousand Kingdomes ; and they would haue great reason , to be glad to doe so , rather thē to loose the meanes , of making one stepp further , towards the augmentation of the Holie Catholick Faith , or the procuting some light , for Hereticks ; for , it is another manner of busines , to purchase , and get such a kind of Kingdome , as will neuer end . And what Soule soeuer , shall come to tast but one single dropp of this water , all the rest of this whole world , will be but fitt , euen to turne the stomack . But now , if the Soule of such a person , should fall out , to be once ingulfed into this water ; what strange effects , would it produce ? Deare Lord , if thou shouldst draw me , to such a condition , as that I might be able to publish this truth , with a lowd voice , they would yet beleiue mee , no more , then they doe others , who know , how to publish the same , after a much better manner . But yet , at least , I should giue satisfaction to my self ; and , me thinkes , I should esteem , euen my verie life , but at a little rate , vpon condition , that I might be able to giue but some one , of these single Truths , to be well vnderstood . And yet I know not , what I should be able to doe with my self , afterward ; for there is no trust at all , to be had in me , I being that miserable creature , which I am . Yet still I haue so great impulses , to vtter , and declare these things , to such as be in authoritie , and command , that , me thinkes , they doe euen annihilate , and consume me . And yet now , since I can doe no more , I returne , O my Lord , towards thee , to seeke remedie , for all inconueniences ; for thou , O my Lord , knowest well , how highly glad , I would be , to dispossesse my self , euen of all these verie Fauours , which , of thy goodnes , thou hast vouchsafed to doe me ( prouided alwayes , that I might still remaine , in condition , neuer to offend thee more ) and to resigne them vp , to * Kings , and Princes ; for then , it is very certaine , that it would be wholy impossible for them , either to permit , that those things should be done , which are permitted ; or yet , that they should faile , to receiue extraordinarie blessings , at thy hand . O make them , my God , vnderstand , to how much they are obliged , since thou wert pleased ( by what I haue heard ) to honour them , in such sort , vpon earth , as that , when thou takest anie of them away , there is some kind of * signification therof , euen in the Heauens . And , when I thinke of this , it breeds a kind of deuotion in me , that thou , O my King , maist be pleased to make them , euen heerby , vnderstand , that they ought to imitate thee , in their life ; since there grow , in some sort , to be certaine apparances , and signes , in Heauen , at their death ; as there was , when euen thy self camest to dye . I see well , that I am presuming very farre ; but I beseech your Reuerence , teare it , if you mislike it , and beleiue , that I would be glad , to speake it better , if I were present with them ; and if I could tell , how ; and especially , if I thought , that they would beleiue me ; for I recommend them , very much , to Almightie God ; and I wish , that it might doe them good . When a bodie resolues to venture his life , he may , in effect , doe what he lists ; and I desire very often , to loose mine ; for , that were to venture little , for the gaining of much . But now , one may thinke , that there is scarce anie Creature in the world , who indeed liues ; cōsidering how grossly visible , that great deceipt , and errour , is , which we carrie about vs ; and with what blindnes , we conuerse , in this world . But , when once the Soule comes to the passe , of this Water , they are not bare desires , which she carries , for the seruice of Almightie God ; for then , his Diuine Maiestie giues her strength also , to put them in execution . Nor can there anie such thing be once represented to her , wherein she may thinke to serue him , vpon which she will not cast her self , all at once ; and yet she will thinke , all the while , that she is doing nothing ; for now she sees very clearly , that all things are meerly nothing , which concerne not the giuing gust to Almightie God. The onlie trouble , in this case , is , that there is nothing indeed , deseruing truly the name of trouble , which will offer it self , to anie such person , as is so very vnprofitable , as I am . But be thou , O my eternall Good , so well pleased , as that once , some such little moment of time may occurr , as wherein , I may be able to pay the least imaginable crumme , of all that great seruice , which I owe thee . Ordaine thou things , O my Lord , in what sort thou wilt ; so that yet , this poore creature of thine , may once be able to pay thee some little seruice . There haue been other manner of woemen ; in the world , who haue done heroicall things , for loue of thee ; but I am good for nothing , but to prate ; and so it is not thy pleasure , O my Lord , to employ me , about putting anie thing in execution ; but that all the seruice , which I am to doe thee , must passe away in words , and desires ; yea and euen I haue not libertie in this little ; and peraduenture I should be faultie , in all . But strengthen thou my Soule , and dispose of it first , O thou , the Good of all Goods , my deare Iesus ; and then ordaine things in such sort , as that I may once , be able to doe somewhat for thee ; and that there may be no such Creature in the world , as should endure to receiue so much ; and yet withall , to pay nothing . Let it cost , O my Lord , what it can ; but let not these hands of mine , appeare alwaies so very emptie in thy presence , since Rewards are to be set-out , and giuen , according to the Workes . Behold , heer is my Life , heer is my Honour , and heer is my Will ; and thou knowest , that I haue giuen it all , to thee ; and am entirely thine ; and therefore , dispose of me , according to thine owne good pleasure . I see , O my Lord , very well , how little I am able to execute ; but yet being now come to thee , and hauing mounted-vp to this Tower , from which , Truths are truly discouered , if thou depart not from me , there is nothing , which I shall not be able to performe ; and yet , if thou depart , how little soeuer that may be , I am to goe , where I was ; which is , into a kind of being in Hell. O what it is , for a Soule , which findes her self , in such condition , as this , to be put to returne againe , to conuerse in the world ; and to behold , and see , the Antick , and fantasticall Puppet-Playes of this life , which are so ridiculously ordered ; and to spend time , in complying with this Bodie of ours , both by sleeping , and eating ; for , all this , wearies the Soule , which knowes not , how to scape from thence , but finds it self to be surprized , and enchained . It then sees , much more euidently , the true captiuitie , wherein we remaine , by the verie condition of these Bodies of ours , and by the miserie of these liues , which we leade ; and then , we come to know , very well , the much reason , which S. Paul had , to beseech Almightie God , to deliuer him from it ; wherein , he cryes-out alowd , and beggs libertie , of his Diuine Maiestie ; as I haue formerly sayd . But now , this is often done , with so very great impulse of minde , that the Soule would euen faine get out of the Bodie , in pursuite of this libertie ; and , in the meane time , since she cannot be freed , she * walkes vp , and downe the world , like one , who were sold for some Slaue , to serue , and play the Drudge , in a strange Country . And that , which afflicts her yet more , is , that she knowes not , how to meet with manie , who will be so well disposed , as to lament with her , and to desire that , which she desires ; for they ordinarily , desire but to liue . O that once we might be vntyed from all things ! and that we might not place our contentment , in anie thing of this world ! How would then , that paine , which we should find to be liuing alwaies without God , appease , and temper the feare of death , through the desire , which , by this meanes , we should haue , of attaining to the fruition of eternall life . Sometimes , when I am considering , how such a Creature , as I , to whome our Lord hath giuen this light , with such an imperfect kind of charitie , as I possesse , and with so poore repose , as I enioy , ( since my life hath deserued no better ) can yet so often find my self in distresse , for being in this bannishment of mine . I may easily grow to imagine , what kind of sense , and feeling , that would be , which Saints haue had in this case ; and what kind of commotion , a S. Paul , and a S. Marie Magdalen , and such others , like them , would find in themselues , in whome the fire of the Loue of Almightie God , did raigne . It must certainly haue been , a continuall Martyrdome to them . To me it seemes , that all the ease , or rather indeed , absence of paine , which I might be able to find in this world , were , but to treat with some such persons , as in whome I might be able to meet with such desires , as these ; I say , desires , with deeds ; and I say yet againe , with deeds . For , there are certaine people in the world , who , if you will beleiue themselues , are absolutly vntyed from the world , & so they publish , that they are ; and so indeed , it is very fitt , they were ; because euen their verie profession , and condition , requires as much ; and so also doe those manie yeares , since they beganne to enter into the way of Perfection . But yet , this Soule of mine , knowes well , how to find a difference , euen from farre off , between such , as desire these things , but in words ; and such others , as confirme their words , by their workes . For she knowes , how to vnderstand , very well , the little good , which these doe in the world , and the much , which is done by those others ; and indeed , this is such a kind of thing , as whosoeuer is of experience , may very easily discerne . And now I haue sett downe the Effects , which those Rapts , that proceed from the Spirit of Almightie God , are wont to produce . It is true , that some of them , doe it more ; and some , lesse ; I say lesse ; because , though in the beginnings they worke , yet then , the Effects are not seen experimentally , by way of outward expression ; nor can it be yet , so well perceiued , that they haue them ; and besides , the perfection therof , goes increasing ; and the Soule goes procuring , that there may now , be no memorie of imperfections ; which will appeare if there be any , like so many Cobwebs ; and this now requires some time . And by how much the more , Humilitie , and the Loue of our Lord , encreases in the Soule : so much the more sweet , and fresh odour , will these Flowers of vertue , be sure to giue , both to themselues , and others . And it is most certainly true , that our Lord knowes , how to worke so well , vpon anie Soule , in one of these Rapts , that there will not much remaine , for the Soule her self , to worke , and labour in , towards the acquiring of perfection . For , no Creature is able to beleiue , without direct experience vpon himself , how much it pleases our Lord , to bestow vpon a Soule , in such an occasion , as this ; nor is there anie kind of diligence of ours , which can , in my opinion , attaine it . I say not , but that , by the Fauour of our Lord , such as employ themselues manie yeares , by those wayes , which they prescribe , who write of Prayer , both concerning the beginning , and proceeding therof , may ariue to perfection , and to a totall vntying , and loosening themselues , from the things of this world , with much labour , and paines , but neuer in so short a time ; whereas heer , our Lord is pleased to worke it , & that presently , without anie labour of ours . And he expresly , & clearly , drawes the Soule from the earth , and whatsoeuer is earthlie ; and he giues her an absolute dominion ouer all things , which are therin ; though yet there be not , in this Soule , anie more true value , or merit , then there was , euen in mine . Nor doe I know , how to exaggerate this point more ; for in mine , there was , in effect , none at all . If now it chance to be asked , why his Diuine Maiestie doth it , there is no other answer , but because he is pleased to doe it ; and he doth it also iust so , as he is pleased ; and though sometimes there be no disposition in her at all , to receiue it , he yet disposes also the same , to receiue that benefit , and blessing , which his Diuine Maiestie is pleased to impart . So that he giues it not alwayes , because the Gardner hath deserued it , by dressing vp , and cultiuating his Garden well , ( though yet it be very certaine , that whosoeuer doth this , as he ought , and doth procure , withall , to vntye his whole affection from things of this world , will neuer faile to be regaled by him ) but sometimes , because it is his pleasure ( as I haue sayd ) to shew his power , and greatnes , euen vpon the most barren Soile ; and to prepare it , for the receauing all kind of good . So that now , she seemes not , in some sort , to haue so much as a Power , to returne to liue in offence of Almightie God , as she was wont ; but she hath her thoughts so habituated to vnderstand what is Truth indeed , that all the rest , seemes but a foolerie , and fitt to make sport for children . She smiles also in her self sometimes , when she findes certaine graue persons , who liue in the exercise of Prayer , and Religion , make account of certaine foolish points of Honour , which such a Soule , as this , holds now to be directly , vnder her feet . Some will say , that this is but discretion , and a preseruing , forsooth , of their dignitie , and ranke ; that so , afterward , they may be able , to doe the more good . But , that other Soule , vnderstands very well , that they might haue done Almightie God more seruice , in one day , if they would haue made their authoritie , and honour yeild , and shrinke , for the loue of Almightie God , then they would euer doe , in ten yeares , by vpholding , and authorizing the same , after their way . But thus doth this kind of Soule lead a certaine troublesome life , and is euer subiect to the Crosse ; though yet euer going on , with encrease . And though the persons , who vse to treat with her , conceiue her sometimes , to be euen already , at the verie verie topp of Perfection , yet doe they find , shortly after , that still she growes to be more improued ; for , our Lord goes euer fauouring her , more and more . God himself , is , in effect , her Soule ; and it is he , who hath already taken the charge of her , into his hands ; and he shines euen brightly , in her ; and seemes to be assisting her , after a kind of euident manner ; both that she may not offend him , and by continually also fauouring , and stirring her still vp , to serue him . When once my Soule ariued so farre , as that Almightie God might be pleased to doe her this great Fauour , my miseries , and Sinnes , did cease , euen all at once , and our Lord gaue me strength , to quitt them ; and it moued me no more , to be afterward in those occasions of imperfection ; and with persons , who had formerly been wont to to bring distractions vpon me , then if I had not been there , at all ; nay rather that , which was wont to damnifve me , grew to assist me now ; and all things were now , fitt meanes , to make me know God more , and to loue him better ; and to see , how deeply I was obliged to him ; and to make me , in fine , very sorrie , for what I had been . But yet I well vnderstood withall , that this came no way from me ; nor had I growne to gaine it , by anie diligence of mine owne ; nor indeed , had I euen had time for it ; but only his Diuine Maiestie , through the meer , and onlie motiue of his owne goodnes , had giuen me strength , for this purpose . From the time , when our Lord was pleased to afford me the Fauour of these Rapts , this strength hath gone on , with encrease ; and he hath also held me so fast , with his hand , that I might not returne back againe , anie more . And now , me thinkes , that it is nothing at all , which I doe on my part ; but I vnderstand , in a very euident manner , that our Lord is he , who workes ; and therefore I am apt to be of opinion , that the person , to whome our Lord doth shew these Fauours ( supposing euer , that , with all humilitie , and feare , he will vnderstand , and acknowledge , that it is our Lord himself , who doth them , and that , in effect , we doe nothing at all in the busines ) may put himself into anie companie ; and that , how distracted , and vitious soeuer it be , it will not moue , or euen concerne him , but that rather , it will be of helpe to him , and minister him some occasion , or other , whereby he may reape more aduantage , for his owne good . For , these are already made strong Soules , which our Lord is pleased to choose , for the helping of others ; though yet still , it must be considered , that this strength proceeds not from themselues . But when once our Blessed Lord brings a Soule so neer himself , as I haue shewed , he goes , by little and little , communicating very great secrets to her . And heer , come the true Reuelations , in this kind of Extasis ; and other great Fauours , and Visions . And all these things serue to make this Soule , both more humble , and more strong ; and to giue her grace , to hold all kind of worldlie things , in no account ; as also to know more clearly , the greatnes of that reward , which our Blessed Lord hath prouided for such , as serue him . I humbly befeech his Diuine Maiestie , that the excessiue bountie , which he hath vouchsafed to shew , towards this miserable , sinnefull Creature , may proue some part of a motiue , to make them , who shall read this Discourse , encourage , and animate themselues , to leaue all things , yea euen absolutly all , for Almightie God , since his Diuine Maiestie is pleased to giue so compleat rewards . For we see , and that clearly enough , what aduantages , and Fauours , and retributions , he is pleased to allow , euen in this life , to such as serue him ; and what then will he be sure to doe for them , in the next ? THE TWO AND TWENTIETH CHAPTER . In vvhich she treats , of hovv secure a vvay it is , for persons , vvho giue themselues to Contemplation , not to raise-vp their Spirit , to high things , vnlesse our Lord raise them vp ; and that the Humanitie of Christ our Lord , is in deed , to be the meanes , tovvards the highest Contemplation of all others . She speakes also of an errour , vvherein once she vvas . This Chapter containes matter of much profit . I Will heer declare a certaine thing , which is , in my opinion , very important ; and , if your Reuerence thinke fitt , it may serue you , for a word of aduise ; yea and perhaps , you may grow euen to haue need therof . I haue read in some Bookes , written of Prayer , which affirme , that , how soeuer the Soule is not able , of it self , to ariue to that State , whereof I spake before , ( because all that , is Supernaturall , which our Lord workes there ) yet she may be able , forsooth , to help her self therin , by raising-vp her Spirit aboue all things created ; and that so , she hauing raised it vp , manie yeares togeather , with humilitie , and hauing first passed through the Purgatiue way , and after that , through the Illuminatiue , they aduise , in particular manner , that men should separate , and abstract themselues , from all kind of imagination or reflection , vpon corporeall things ; and that so , they should be able to approach , and reach , the contemplation of the Diuinitie . For they say , that , although it be euen the verie Humanitie it self , of Christ our Lord , yet is it of some impediment , to such , as proceed thus farre ; yea and that it hinders men , from the most perfect kind of Contemplation . For the making this Opinion * good , they alleadge that , which our Lord sayd to his Apostles , when himself was ascending-vp to Heauen , of the coming of the Holie-Ghost downe vpon them , which would not be accomplished , till himself were retired out of their sight . But , for my part , I am apt to conceaue , that if they had then , had that Liuelie Faith , of our Lord 's being both God , and Man , ( which they had , after the coming of the Holie Ghost ) his Corporall Presence would haue done them no hurt at all . For he held no such discourse to his Blessed Mother , though she loued him much more , then they all . But these men vse to alleadge this passage , or place of Scripture ; because it seemes to them ( in regard , that all this action of Prayer , is a worke of Spirit ) that euerie Corporeall Obiect , will be able to diuert , and hinder it ; and that , forsooth , they must consider themselues , after a manner , which is totally independent vpon Creatures ; and that God is alike neer them , on all sides ; and so , to see themselues ingulfed in him , is the thing , which they should endeauour to obtaine . Now , this doth not displease me , to be vsed , at sometimes , and in some cases ; but yet , to denide our selues wholy , from the person of Christ our Lord , and to bring that Diuine Bodie of his , into the account , and companie of these miseries of ours , or euen with all the rest of the whole created world , I can by no meanes ondure ; and I humbly begg of his Diuine Maiestie , that I may be able to giue my self to be vnderstood . I will not yet , put my self to contradict them , because they are learned men , and spirituall persons ; who faile not to know well , what they say ; and it is also very true , that it pleases Almightie God , to carrie , and conduct Soules , by seuerall walkes , and wayes , as he did mine . And now , I will declare some particulars thereof ; for , in the rest , I will not interpose my self , but only speake of the danger , wherein I found I was , because I conformed my self , to what I had read . I well beleiue , that whosoeuer shall find himself to haue ariued to the State of Vnion , and not to haue passed further on , so farre as to haue Rapts , and Visions , togeather with such other Fauours , as our Lord is wont to impart to Soules , may hold that , which is spoken of , to be better ; as I also did . But yet , if I had continued therein , I beleiue , I should neuer haue ariued to that pitch , wherein now I am . For , in my opinion , it is an errour , * and deceipt ; though yet perhaps , it may be my self , who am the person deceiued ; & yet I will relate , what hapned to me . Whilst I was in want of a Directour , and the while , went reading the Bookes afforesayd , whereby I thought I grew to vnderstand somewhat ; by little , and little , I came , indeed , to find afterward , that , if our Lord had not been my teacher , I should haue learnt very little , by those Bookes ; For , really , it was nothing , which I vnderstood , till his Diuine Maiestie was pleased to make me know it , by experience ; nor indeed , did I know , what I did . But , when afterward I came so farre , as to haue some kind of Prayer , which was Supernaturall ( I meane , the Prayer of Quiet ) I procured to dismisse my self of all kind of Corporeall Obiects ; though yet , I durst not goe raising , and exalting my Soule . For , considering that I was alwaies so very wicked , I saw , that this was to be a great presumption , in me . But then I came to thinke , that I felt a kind of Presence of Almightie God , in me , after a particular manner , as indeed I did ; and I procured , to recollect my self , with him . And this is a very sauourie , and gustfull kind of Prayer , if our Lord assist a Soule particularly therein ; and the delight of it , is great ; and when both the profit , and pleasure , which it giues , is once obserued by the Soule , there could be then , no meanes , to make me returne againe , to the Humanitie of Christ our Lord ; because , in realitie of truth , I conceiued , that it was an impediment to me . Othou Lord of my Soule , and my Good ! thou , Christ our Lord , who wert Crucifyed ; I neuer call to minde the opinion , which I entertained in this case , but I am afflicted by it . For I conceaue my self , to haue committed a huge Treason therin , against thee ; ( though yet my ignorance may peraduenture haue been some excuse ) I hauing been so particularly deuoted , to the person of Christ our Lord , throughout the whole course of my life ; for , this other proceeding of mine , occurred in the verie latter part therof ; I say , in the verie latter part , immediatly before our Blessed Lord vouchsafed me those Fauours , of Rapts , and Visions . I continued a very little while , in this opinion ; and so I euer came quickly back , to delight my self , with this deare Lord of mine ; and especially , when I receiued the Blessed Sacrament , I euer desired to haue some Picture of him , in mine eye , since I was not able to carrie him so deeply engrauen , or stamped vpon my Soule , as I could haue wished . But is it possible , O my deare Lord , that euer anie such thought , as this , should be able to get in , to my hart , euen for one single hower , as that thou wert to haue been able to hinder my obtaining my greatest Good ? Alas , from whence came all the Benedictions , and benefits , which euer I receiued , but only from thee ? But I will not so much as thinke , that really I was faultie heerin ; but rather I am to pittie my self for that , which certainly proceeded from ignorance in me . And so , thou didst vouchsafe , through thy goodnes , to redresse , and assist me , by helping me to one afterward , who might deliuer me out of this errour ; and besides , also , by making me able to see thee so often , * as I shall declare heerafter ; that so I might the more clearly vnderstand , how great that ignorance of mine , was ; and finally , to the end , that I might publish the same , to manie , as I haue done already ; and that now , I might also record it heer . For my part , I conceiue , that the reason , why manie Soules get not forward , in the way of Profit , and why they reach not to obtaine some very great libertie of Spirit , when they ariue to vse Prayer of Vnion , is this verie thing . And I conceiue , that there are two reasons , vpon which , I may well ground this opinion ; and though perhaps , that be of no moment , which I am going to vtter , yet I will not forbeare to doe it ; because I haue found by experience , that it went very ill with my Soule , till it pleased our Blessed Lord , to giue me light . For , all those Ioyes , which she tooke , came to me , but by supps , and gulps ; and when once I was past the present occasion , I found not my self , to haue such companie , and strength , for the enduring of tribulations , and temptations , as yet I mett with , afterward . But one of these reasons , why men get not forward , is , that there may peraduenture goe a dramme of some certaine little want of Humilitie , which lyes hidden , and plaistered ouer , in such sort , that euen the person , who is so faultie , may , perhaps , not so very easily , find it . And who now , will euer be so proud , and wretched , as I ; yea and that , when he should haue laboured , throughout the whole course of his life , and made as manie Prayers , and suffered as manie Pennances , and endured as manie Persecutions , as might be imagined , would not yet find himself rich enough , and abundantly rewarded , and payd for them all , when our Lord should giue him leaue , to remaine at the foot of the Crosse , with S. Iohn ? Nay I know not , into what braine it would sinke , but mine , not to be content , with such a felicitie , as this ; who was euer a looser so manie wayes , in all those things , whereby I ought to haue been a gainer . But now , though our miserable fraile condition , or els , perhaps , our sicknes , should not permit vs , to be alwayes reflecting vpon the Passion of our Blessed Lord ; yet at least , what should hinder vs from remaining with him , now , that he is risen againe , to Glorie ; since we haue him so neare vs , in the Blessed Sacrament of the Aultar , where we see him glorifyed now ? Nor need we behold him there , so distressed ; and so afflicted ; so torne in peices ; so ouerflowing with bloud ; so wearied in those rugged High-Wayes ; so persecuted by those , whome he benefited so highly ; and the while , not so much , as to be beleiued in , by his verie Apostles . For , it is most certainly true , that one hath not alwaies the hart , to be euen able , to reflect vpon so excessiue afflictions , as he felt . But now heer , we haue him without paine , and full of glorie , giuing strength of bodie to some , and courage of minde to others , before he ascended vp to Heauen . He makes himself euen our Companion , in the Blessed Sacrament ; yea and seemes , as if it had not been in his power , to depart anie one moment from vs ; and that now it should yet haue been in mine , to part from thee , O my Lord ! yea and this , that I might serue thee , so much the better . * Let it passe , my deare Lord , if it please thee , that when I sinned against thee , I did not know thee ; but that now , when I come to know thee , I should fancie a meanes to my self , of growing a greater gainer by this way ! O what an ill way was that ? and now I find , that indeed I had vtterly lost my way , if thou , O Lord , hadst not restored me to it ; for , in seing , that thou art neer me , I haue seen , that I haue all good things , with thee . Nor doe I euer meet with anie afflictiō , or trouble , but as soone as I consider , in what kind of miserable posture thou wert carried , and placed , before those Iudges , it growes instantly , to be very easily borne . With the presence of so deare a Freind , and vnder the conduct of so good a Captaine , as was pleased to put himself in the foremost ranke , that so he might suffer most , and first , there is nothing , which may not well , be endured . He assists , and giues strength , and courage ; yea and neuer failes . He is a very fast , and true Freind ; and I see clearly , and I haue seen it yet againe , that , to the end we may be able to content Almightie God , and that he may powre great Fauours downe vpon vs , he is pleased , that all should passe , by the hands of this most Sacred Humanitie ; in which , his Diuine Maiestie hath declared , that he was much delighted . I haue seen this truth , by experience , very , very manie times ; besides , that our Lord himself , hath told * me so . I haue also clearly seen , that we are to enter in , by this gate , if we desire , that his Soueraigne Maiestie should communicate great secrets to our Soules . So that , Sir , I wish your Reuerence , not to put your self vpon anie other way , then this ; though you should be euen vpon the verie highest topp of Contemplation ; for heer , you shall find your self safe ; since this Lord of ours , is he , by whose meanes , we are to receiue all Benedictions ; and he will addresse your life , by your Meditation , vpon his ; for he is the best Originall , and Patterne , which we can possibly haue . And indeed , what can we desire more , then to haue so perfect a Freind , at hand , who will neuer giue vs ouer , in our afflictions , and tribalations ; as they , of this world , are wont to doe ? Most Blessed is that man , who loues him , with all sinceritie of truth ; and who is alwaies carrying him , close , to himself . Let vs looke vpon the Glorious S. Paul , who seemes , as if he could not suffer , that euer the name of Iesus , should be able , to fall often enough , from his mouth ; as one , who did not faile , to carrie it well imprinted , vpon his hart . And since I vnderstood of that other abstracted course , whereof I spoke , I haue reflected vpon diuerse great Contemplatiue Saints , with much care ; and I find , that they went no other way , then this . S. Francis she wes it plainly , by the Wounds ; S. Anthonie of Padua , by the Infant ; S. Bernard delighted himself much , in the Humanitie of our Blessed Lord ; and so also did S. Katherine of Sienna ; togeather with manie other Saints , as your Reuerence knowes , better , then I. This departing , and abstracting ones self , from all Corporeall Obiects , should , as it seemes , be good , since persons , who are so Spirituall , affirme it ; but yet , in my opinion , this must be vnderstood of Soules , who are very Proficient in Spirit ; for , till then , it is euident enough , that the Creatour is to be sought , by meanes of the Creatures . But yet , I will vndertake nothing in this case , since all depends vpon the Fauour , which our Lord is pleased to shew , to anie Soule . That , which I would faine giue to be vnderstood , is , that the most Sacred Humanitie of Christ our Lord , must not be made to come into that account ; and let this point be well vnderstood , wherein I would faine know , how to declare my self . When God is pleased to suspend all the Powers of the Soule , in those kindes of Prayer , which are related , we haue seen plainly , that this Presence of Christ our Lord , is taken from vs , whether we will , or no ; and let it then , be gone , in a good hower ; for , that kind of losse , is a happie one , whereby we come to enioy more of that , which we conceiue our selues to haue lost ; for then , the Soule employes her self wholy , vpon louing him , whome the Vnderstanding hath already endeauoured to know ; and she loues that , which she did not fully comprehend ; and now ioyes in that , wherein she could not also haue ioyed , but only by loosing her self , for her greater gaine . But now , that we should , by tricks , and of sett-purpose , accustome our selues , not to procure , with our whole power , to carrie alwaies in our eyes ( and I would to God , it were alwaies ) this most Sacred Humanitie of Christ our Lord ; this , I say , is that , which I like not ; since it is a way , of making the Soule walke in the Ayre , as we vse to say . For it seemes , that she hath no firme , and stable resting-place , howsoeuer she may make her self beleiue , that she is full of God. It is a great matter , whilst we liue , and are humane , to procure , to bring God to our selues , Humane ; for , this is that other inconuenience , which I say , there is ; for , the first , I beganne to say , was a little want of humilitie , in presuming to raise the Soule , before our Lord raised her , and not to content her self , with meditating vpon a thing so pretious , but that she will needs be a Marie , before she haue taken the paines of Martha . If our Lord himself be pleased , that we be Marie , there will be nothing to be feared , though it should be , vpon the verie first day , of our doing him Seruice . But yet , let vs consider well , of the matter , as I thinke I was saying before ; for , this small moate of little humilitie , will make a shift to doe a great deale of hurt , against profiting in the way of Contemplation . But , to returne now to the Second point , We are no Angells , but we haue Bodies ; and to desire , to make our selues Angells , whilst yet we are vpon earth , ( and especially if they be so earthlie , as I was , ) is a kinde of follie , or madnes . But our thoughts , in the ordinarie way , haue need of a kind of leaning , or resting-place ; though yet sometimes , the Soule may goe so out of her self , yea and manie times , may be so full of Almightie God , that perhaps she hath no neęd to recollect her self , by meanes of anie thing created . But this is not a thing so ordinarie ; and in businesses , and persecutions , and troubles , when she cannot enioy so much Quiet ; and in the times also of Drynesse , and dulnesse , Christ our Lord is wont , to be a very good freind . For , we consider him , as man ; and we behold him , full of weaknesses , and afflictions ; and he is companie , fitt for all good occasions ; and when once , we are a little accustomed , we shall finde him very easily kept close , to vs ; though yet some such times will occurr , as that we shall not be able to doe , neither the one , nor the other . Vpon this reason , it will be well , to doe that , whereof I haue spoken already ; namely , not to pretend , and procure any sensible consolation of Spirit , but let anie thing ariue , that will ; for it is no toy , or trifle , to embrace the Crosse of our Lord. This Lord of ours , was forsaken , by all manner of comfort ; and they left him all alone , in his afflictions ; but yet let not vs doe so . For he will reach vs his hand , which can raise vs better vp , then all our owne diligences , would haue been able to doe ; and yet he will absent himself also , when he shall thinke fitt ; and when he shall thinke it fitt , he will also draw the Soule out of it self , as I haue sayd before . Our Lord is very well pleased , to see a Soule , with Humilitie , introduce his Sonne , for her Intercessour ; and he loues her so very much , that euen , when his Diuine Maiestie shall haue an inclination to raise her-vp to great Contemplation , the same Soule may yet hold her self vnworthie , and cry out , with S. Peter : Depart from me , O my Lord ; for I am a sinnefull man. I haue tryed this verie thing , by experience ; and thus hath God conducted my Soule . Let others therefore goe , by some other short cutt , as they please ; but that , which I haue been able to vnderstand , is , that all this Ciment of Prayer , is grounded vpon Humilitie ; and * that , the more the Soule is abased in that holie exercise , the more is it exalted by Almightie God. Nor doe I remember , that euer he shewed me anie of those singular Mercies , of which I shall speake afterward ; but when I found my Soule , euen as it were annihilated , with obseruing my self , to be so very wicked . Yea and sometimes , his Diuine Maiestie tooke care to giue me to vnderstand certaine things , towards the making me know my self , so much the better , which I could neuer haue told , how to imagine . But I am of opinion , that when the Soule doth anie thing on her part , to help her self on , as afforesayd , towards that Prayer of Vnion ; how soeuer , for the present , it may seem to doe good , yet the building will quickly fall , as wanting anie sound foundation ; and I am afrayd , that she will neuer ariue to true Pouertie of Spirit , which consists , in not desiring so much as comfort , or gust , in Prayer ; ( for , all those of this world , are forsaken already , except consolation in affliction ; and that , for loue of him , who euer liued in them ) but to remaine also quiet in those verie afflictiōs , and aridities ; for though they faile not , to haue some little trouble thereat ; yet is it not so farre , as to giue them anie such disquiet , and paine , as some giue themselues , by conceiuing , that , if they be not alwaies labouring with their Vnderstanding , and to haue sensible deuotion , all is lost ; as if they could deserue so great a good , by the paines they take . I say not , that they should not procure , and maintaine themselues with much care , in the Presence of Almightie God ; but , if yet they be not able to obtaine , no not so much , as one good thought ( as I haue sayd els where ) yet let them not torment themselues ; because we all , are vnprofitable Seruants ; & what can we conceiue , that wee shall be euer able to doe ? Our Lord is much better pleased , that we may come to know this truth ; and that we may hold our selues fitt , to be treated , like some poore little Asses , to turne that wheele about , whereby the sayd Water is to be gotten ; who though they be put in , blindfold , & doe not so much as know , what they doe , will yet get-vp more water , then the Gardner , with all the diligences he can vse . No , we must walke in this way , with libertie of Spirit , & put our selues into the hands of Almighty God. If his Diuine Maiestie shall be pleased , to aduance vs , to be of his Chamber , & Councell , we must goe with a good will ; but if not , we must be content to serue , in inferiour employments , and not to seate our selues , in the best place , as I haue sayd els where . Almightie God hath more care of vs , then we haue of our selues ; and knowes , for what , euerie bodie is fitt ; and for what therefore doth it serue , for him , to gouerne himself , when already the whole Will is disposed of , and giuen away , to Almightie God ? In my opinion it is lesse to be tollerated , or endured heer , then in the First Degree of Prayer ; and it doth vsmuch more harme , if any such errour be committed by vs ; for , these are Supernaturall blessings . If a man haue an ill voice , how much soeuer he shall enforce himself to sing , the voice will not be made good by it ; but if God shall once haue made it good , he needes not be crying out , before hand . Let vs therefore alwaies humbly pray him , to shew vs fauour ; & let the Soule be wholy resigned , but yet withall , confiding in the greatnes of God. And now , when she hath gotten leaue , to remaine at the feet of Christ our Lord , let her not stirre from thence , but continue , in what sort soeuer it may be ; and let her imitate the Magdalena ; for when he shall find her strong , he will take her vp , with him , to the Desert . So that your Reuerēce shall doe well , to keepe your self in this way ; till you meet with some other , who may haue more experience , then I ; and may know it better . Only , if they be persons , who were but beginning to haue gust in Almightie God , doe not beleiue them ; for they conceiue , that they profit themselues more , and haue more gust , when they helpe themselues in such sort , as is declared before . O , how Almightie God comes clearly , and openly enough , in , without these little prettie helpes , when he hath a minde to it ? and so , as that , whether we will , or no , he eleuates , and hurries-away the Spirit , euen as some Giant would dispose of a straw ; and so , as that no resistance can be thought of . But what a kind of impertinency is it , for a man to beleiue , that whensoeuer he lists , a Toade should be made able to flye , of it self ? And I hold it to be a more difficult , and absurd kind of thing , that the Spirit should be able to raise , and exalt it self without being exalted , and raised by Almightie God ; for , it is , all , loaden with earth , and with a thousand impediments ; and it will proue , to be of little vse , to it , that it haue a minde to flye ; for , though flying be more naturall to a Soule , then to a Toade , yet this Soule , is already all plunged in a great bed of dutt , & myre , as haueing lost that other qualitie , by her owne fault . I will therefore conclude with this , that whensoeuer we dispose our selues , to thinke , and meditate vpon Christ our Lord , we must remember the loue , wherewith he did vs so manie Fauours ; and now greatly , Almightie God was pleased to shew it to vs , by giuing vs so high a pledge , and pawne , of his loue ; for , one loue begetts , and breeds another . And though we should he meer poore beginners , in this holie exercise ; and though we should withall , be very wicked , yet let vs still procure , to be looking vpon this Obiect , and still be stirring our selues vp , to loue . For , if once our Blessed Lord vouchsafe , to imprint this loue into our harts , all things will grow easie to vs ; and we shall quickly fall to worke , and that without anie trouble to our selues , at all . I beseech his Diuine Maiestie , that he will vouchsafe , to bestow it vpon vs , since he knowes , how very much the same imports vs ; for , we beggit , by the great loue , which he bore to vs , and for the sake of his Glorious Sonne , who also loued vs all , so extreamly , to his owne cost , Amen . One * thing I would faine aske your Reuerence , how our Lord , beginning to doe Fauours to a Soule , and those so eminent , and high , as to bring her to perfect Contemplation ( which Soule were therefore , in all reason , to grow , and remaine entirely perfect , euen at that instant ; for certainly , it ought to be so ; since whosoeuer receiues so very great blessings from Heauē , should be extreamly farre from careing for anie such delights , as concerne this life ) can possibly bring to passe , that when she growes to haue Rapts , and so to receiue more Fauours , & higher Effects thereof , ( and that so much the more , as she falls-out to be more vntyed from the world ; and considering yet withall , how , in the very first instant , when our Lord ariues to a Soule , he can leaue her entirely sanctifyed ) how , I say , our Lord can abandon this Soule afterward , in processe of time , without maintaining it , in the perfection of vertue . This , I say , would I very faine know ; for I vnderstand it not yet ; though I know well , that it is a very different case , what proportion of strength , Almightie God leaues in a Soule , when his visitation , at the first , lasts no longer , then the opening , as it were , and shutting of an eye ; ( for then , in effect , it is scarce felt at all , but only by the very effects , which it leaues behind it ) and when , on the other side , this Fauour continues , to be of much longer extent . But it occurrs to mee often , to doubt , whether the cause of this , may not be , that the Soule disposes not her self entirely , for God , till his Diuine Maiestie bring her vp , and breed her for himself , by little , and little ; and so , bespeake her to resolue her self , all at once , and giue her the verie strength of a growne man ; to the end , that she may cast all , as it were , a thousand miles off ; as he instantly did with S. Marie Magdalen , and as he also doth with others , after the rate of their co-operating with him ; and as they suffer his Diuine maiestie to dispose of them wholy , according to his owne good pleasure ; for els , we know not , how to beleiue , that , euen in this life , Almightie God giues a hundred for one . I thought also of this Comparison , That , supposing the thing to be all one , which is imparted both to Beginners and Proficients , it would be like to some one only food , whereof manie feed , all at once ; and that they , who eat little of it , preserue no more memory , and remaine with no more effect of it , then only some little sauour , or smack , for a while ; but they , who feed more largely , it giues them helpe to subsist ; and they , who feed plentifully on it , receiue encrease of strength , and spirit , by it ; yea and a Soule may feed so often , and so fully , vpon this food of life , that she may come , not to endure anie thing at all , which shall not tast , iust like that . For she findes the very great benefit , which she receiues by it ; and she hath her tast already , so wholy made to that sweetnes , that she had rather euen leaue to liue , then to feed vpon other things ; which , were all , to serue , in fine , for nothing , but only to take away the good tast , which the former excellent food left in her mouth . Besides , no conuersation , with holie companie , is wont to be of so much vse , and benefit , in one day , as in manie ; but we may be in it , so long , as that we may grow , to be euen like them , our selues ; if our Lord will be pleased , to doe vs so much fauour . But , to conclude , the mayne busines consists , in what his Diuine Maiestie vouchsafes to doe , and to whome he will be pleased , to allow it ; though yet withall , it grow to import very much , that whosoeuer will pretend to receiue this Fauour , must fully resolue himself , to be absolutly dis-engaged , and vntyed from the whole world , yea and to esteem that Fauour of our Blessed Lord , as highly , as the thing deserues . It also seemes to me , as if his Diuine Maiestie , were resoluing to try , who they are , that loue him ; Namely whether it be this Soule , or that ; and that he would also discouer , who himself is , by imparting so high , and soueraigne a delight , to quicken , and fortifye their Faith , if it should chance to be dead , or weake , in the beleif of those great blessings , which he meanes to giue her ; saying : Behold , this , is but a single dropp , of that huge , and vast Sea of benedictions , which I meane to giue to such , as I loue . And when he sees , that they receiue it , as he giues it , he giues not only it , but himself with it . In fine , he loues them , who loue him ; And O , what a good Louer , and good Beloned , is he ? Othou , the Lord of my Soule ! O that I could find anie fitt words , whereby I might giue to be vnderstood , what thou bestowest vpon such , as trust thee , home ; and what they loose , who ariue to this condition , and yet will needs remaine still , with themselues . But doe not , O thou my Lord , permitt this ; since already thou dost more , then this , for our sakes , in coming to so base , and wicked a lodging , as this of my hart . Blessed maist thou be , for euer , and for euer , Amen . And now I returne , most humbly to beseech your Reuerence , that , if you meane to impart these things , which I haue written , concerning my Prayer , they may be very Spirituall persons to whome yow doe it . For if they vnderstand no more , then some one way ; or if they haue remained in the half way ; they will neuer be so well able , to hitt right . Now , there are some , whome Almightie God carries instantly , by a very sublime kind of addresse ; and they perhaps will conceiue , that others , may also profit there , and may quiet , and calme the Vnderstanding ; and not serue themselues , at all , of the meanes of anie Corporeall obiect ; but yet , these creatures , with all this , shall come , in fine , to remaine as dry , as a stick . And some , who haue growne to enioy a little Quiet , grow also to thinke of this fancie , that , Why , forsooth , may not they be able , to obtaine , as well the one , as the other . But such as these , in stead of aduancing , in the way of profiting their Soules , shall really disaduantage themselues , as I haue sayd . So that , in all this busines , there will be need , both of experience , and prudence ; and I beseech our Lord , grant them to vs , through his owne goodnes . THE THREE AND TWENTIETH CHAPTER . She returnes to declare the course of her life ; and hovv she first beganne to thinke of grovving to greater perfection ; and by vvhat meanes , she did it . This Chapter is very profitable , for such , as are to gouerne Soules , in order to Prayer ; and to make them knovv , hovv they are to behaue themselues in their beginnings ; and of the benefit , she reaped , by knovving it her self . I will now returne to that place , where I gaue ouer the Discourse of my Life ; ( for I haue detained my self , perhaps , longer then I ought ) to the end , that yet that , which followes , may grow to be the better vnderstood . From hence forward , this will be another new Booke ; I meane , another new Life ; for hitherto , it was mine ; but the Life , which I haue liued , since I beganne to declare these things of Prayer , is that , when God liued in me , ( forasmuch as I could conceiue ) since I hold it to be impossible otherwise , for me , to haue giuen ouer , both such ill actions , and conditions , in so short a time . Let our Lord be euerlastingly praised , for deliuering me , in such sort , from my self . But I beginning now , to free my Soule from the occasions of ill , and to giue my self more , to Prayer , our Lord beganne also to doe me Fauours ; as one , who , in all apparance , desired but that I would be content to receiue them . His Diuine Maiestie , did therefore then , very ordinarily , giue me the Prayer of Quiet ; and , manie times , that also , of Vnion , which lasted very long fitts of time . But now , when I vnderstood , that there had occurred great Illusions of certaine woemen , and deceipts , which the Diuel put vpon them , I beganne to be afrayd , as considering the delight , and sweetnes , which I felt , to be so very great ; yea and that , manie times , it was such , that I could not auoyd it ; though yet withall , on the other side , I saw cause of very great securitie , that it was God ; especially when I was in Prayer ; and I found also , that I was much bettered by it ; and still remained with more strength of Minde towardes Vertue . But yet , whensoeuer I grew to be a little diuerted . I returned againe to feare , whether the Diuel might not haue a minde , to make me conceiue , that it were good for me , to suspend the vse of my vnderstanding , and so , depriue my self of the exercise of Mentall Prayer ; and that I might not be able to thinke vpon the Passion of Christ our Lord , nor to serue my self ( as I was saying ) of my Vnderstanding part , which seemed to me , a very great inconuenience . But now , when his Diuine Maiestie was pleased already , to giue me light , to the end that I might offend him no more ; and might also grow able to know , how much I owed him for this goodnes , this feare came now to encrease , in such sort , that it put me , vpon a diligent * search , after some persons of Spirit , with whome I might communicate my affaires ; and already I had gotten notice of some . For , by this time , they , of the Societie of IESVS , were come hither ; to which Order ( though I yet knew no one of them ) I was very affectionate , vpon the onlie reason of my vnderstanding , what kind of life they led , and what Prayer they vsed . But I found not my self worthie enough , to speake with them ; nor constant , and strong enough , to obey them . And this , gaue me yet greater feare ; for , in fine , to treat with them , and yet to continue still , what I was , represented it self to me , as an odd , and ill-fauoured busines . In these cogitations of mine , did I passe some time ; till now , by the much batterie , which I made vpon my self , and through the feares , to which still I was subiect , I resolued to treat with one , who was a Spirituall person ; and to aske him , what kind of Prayer that was , which I vsed ; and to desire him , to giue me light , if he found me to be in errour ; and I resolued to vse all possible diligence , not to offend Almightie God ; for , the want , which I found , in my self , of courage , did continue me still , in my feares . O my deare God! & how great a deceipt , and errour was this , in me , to seperate my self from good , that so I might grow to be good . The Diuel , it seemes , is willing to labour much , vpon this point , in the beginning of our aspiring to Vertue ; for I could not , in fine , conquer my self heerin . He well knowes , that the meanes of doing good to a Soule , consists , in that she resolue to conferr , in particular manner , with such , as are the freinds of Almightie God ; and therefore I would neuer sett anie time , to resolue vpon this . I expected to reforme my self first , as I had also done before , when I left my Prayer ; and perhaps I should neuer haue gone through , with it ; for I was already declined so low , towards certaine little things , of ill custome , and consequence , ( which yet in fine I would not conclude , to be ill ) that I was in need , to be assisted , by some other , who might reach me out his hand , to raise me vp . And now , Blessed be our Lord ; for , in fine , his owne , was the first . When now I saw , that my feare came-on so farre , ( for I proceeded , and encreased in Prayer ) I conceaned , that there was either some great good , or els some excessiue mischeif , inuolued in it ; for already I vnderstood , very well , that it was a Supernaturall aduantage , which I had ; since sometimes , I was not able to resist it ; and to obtaine it also , when I would , could not possibly be done . Vpon this , I grew to resolue , that there would be no remedie for me , if I * procured nor , to haue great puritie of Cōscience , and if I quitted not all occasions of ill ; though it were but of Veniall Sinnes . For , if my exercise of Prayer , were of the Spirit of Almightie God , the benefit did very euidently appeare ; & if it were of the Diuel , yet he could doe me no hurt at all , but rather would be put to sitt downe with losse , if I should procure to please Almightie God , and not offend him at all . And now , hauing resolued vpon this , and euer humbly praying our Blessed Lord , that he would assist me ; and taking the same course seuerall dayes ; I yet found , that my Soule , had not strēgth enough , all alone , to goe through , with the obtaining so great perfection , in regard of some inclination , and liking , which I carried to certaine things ; which , howsoeuer they were not very ill , of themselues , yet they serued the turne , to spoile all . They told me then , of a certaine Preist , in this place , who was a learned man ; and whose vertue , and good life , our Lord began to discouer to the world ; and I procured , by meanes of a holie * Cauallier , dwelling in the same place , to acquaint my self with him . This Cauallier is a married man ; but yet leades a life , so very full of example , and vertue , and he is of so great Prayer , and Charitie , that his perfection shines brightly , in the eyes of all men ; and with much reason , in regard of the great good , which is growne to manie Soules , by his meanes ; as also by his great talēts . And though he be not forwarded a whitt , by anie plentie in his Fortune ; yet he cannot choose , but employ the meanes he hath , that way . He is of great vnderstanding , and of an excellent nature . His conuersation , is no way troublesome ; but so agreable , and delight full , ( togeather with his being iust , and holie ) that it giues gust to all such , as treat with him . He ordaines , and gouernes all things , for the great good of such Soules , as he conuerses with ; and seemes , indeed , to haue no other endeauour , or ayme , then to doe good to all them , whome he findes to be anie way capable thereof ; and , finally , to giue contentment to all . Now , this holie , and blessed man , doe I esteem , to haue , by his industrie , and charitie , layd the foundation , for the saluation of my Soule . And I am confunded , to thinke of his humilitie , in that he would be content , to see me ; for there were , as I conceiue , little lesse then fortie yeares , wherein he had exercised Mentall Prayer ( they might perhaps be fewer , by two , or three yeares , ) and he led his life , with all that perfection , which his condition , and state , might seem to permit . He hath a Wife , who is so great a Seruant of Almightie God , and a woeman , so full of charitie , that he looses nothing at all , by possessing her . In a word , he chose her for such a kind of Wife , as whome Almightie God , knew to be fitt for so great a Seruant of his . some of his kindred , were married to some kinswoemen of mine . And besides , I was also acquainted with another great Seruant of God , who was married to one of my Cosen-Germans ; and I had much acquaintance , there ; and , by this meanes , I procured , that the Preist , who was his great freind , and withall , so great a Seruant of God , might come , and speake with me ; for I intended to Confesse my self to him ; and to haue him , for my Directour . And now , that Cauallier conducting him to me , to the end , that we might speake togeather , and I , remaining with extreame confusion , to see my self in the presence of so holie a man , gaue him some knowledge of my Soule , and of the Prayer , which I vsed ; for he excused himself , from taking my Confession , as telling me , that he was very full of businesse ; and so indeed , he was . As for him , he determined with a holie kind of resolution , to conduct me , as a person , who was confirmed , and strong ( for indeed I was to haue been so , in all reason , according to the Prayer , which he saw , I held ) that so I might no more offend Almightie God , in the least degree . But when I so quickly found his resolution , concerning those little things , from which , as I sayd , I had not the courage to depart instantly , with so great perfection , I was much afflicted ; and when I also found , that he meant , to carrie the busines of my Soule , after such manner , as if he would make an end , as it were , all at once , by disposing , and setling thereof , I saw , that I had need of much more consideration , and care , to be vsed towards me , then that . In a word , I was of opinion , that the meanes , which he prescribed , were not they , whereby my remedie was to be procured ; for they were proper for a Soule , which had been more perfect , then mine . But as for me , though I had proceeded very farre ( in as much , as might concerne the Fauours of Almightie God , to my Soule ) yet for as much , as concerned Vertue , and Mortification , I was but in the verie beginnings thereof . And certainly , I conceiue , that if I had not been to treat with anie other then him , my Soule would neuer haue improued , and thriued . For , through the affliction , which it gaue me , to see , how I did not , yea and how ( as I thought ) I could not , doe that , which he prescribed , it was enough , to make me loose my hope , and to giue-ouer the whole busines . Sometimes I am apt to maruaile , that Almightie God was not pleased , to let this Scruant of his , the holie Priest , receiue a perfect knowledge of my Soule ; nor to encharge himself , with the care thereof ; since he is a person , who hath a particular facilitie , and grace , in beginning to gaine Soules to his Diuine Maiestie . But I see , that all this , hapned for my greater good , that so I might come to know , and conuerse with so holie men , as they , of the Societie of IESVS , are . But , in the meane time , I remained in agreement with that Cauallier , of whome I spake , that now and then , he should doe me the Fauour , to visit me ; and heer , I discerned his great humilitie ; since he would be contented , to conuerse with so wicked a Creature , as my self . He beganne therefore then , to visit me , and to encourage me , and to tell me , that I must not thinke , to deliuer my self , from all my imperfections , in one day ; but that , by little and little , Almightie God would doe it ; and that himself , had remained some whole yeares , in reforming some verie little light things , as not being able to finish the worke , sooner . O Humilitie ! how great blessings dost thou bestow vpon them , with whome thou remainest ? yea and euen vpon those others also , who doe but euen approach , to the possessours thereof . This Saint ( for , in my opinion , I may well giue him this name , with great reason ) related certaine particulars to me , concerning himselfe , which , through his humilitie , seemed weaknesses , to him ; but he did it , for my remedie , and redresse ; and , considering his condition , and way of life , they imported neither fault , nor imperfection ; but , as for me , it was a very great one , to be subiect to them . Nor doe I say thus much , by chance , though perhaps I extend my self too farre , in speaking of these verie little things ; but they import so much , for bringing a Soule , into the way of profiting in Spirit , and for getting her out , to flye , which hath scarce gotten yet , anie feathers , that no bodie , who hath not experience of it , will beleiue it . And I affirme these things heer , the rather , because I hope in Almightie God , that this , which I am saying now , will doe much good . For , all my helpe , and hope , consisted in finding out the way , how to cure me ; and in their exercising Humilitie , and Charitie , towards me ; yea and to haue patience also , in perceiuing , that I did not instantly , and entirely , amend my self . And this man , went with discretion , by little ▪ and little ; and shewed me diuerse wayes , how to ouercome the Diuel . In the meane time , I beganne to carrie so entire an affection to him , that I could not receaue a greater ease , and ioy , then to liue that day , when I might see him ; though they were but few . When he delayed his Visits , I was very much , and very quickly troubled at it ; as doubting , that he forbore to see me , because I was so wicked . When he came to know my so great imperfections ( yea and euen they might reach , to be Sinnes ; though yet , after I had begunne to treat with him , I was somewhat mended ) and when I informed him also of the Fauours , which Almightie God had been pleased to doe me , to the end that he might giue me light , he told me , that all those seuerall things , did not suite very well , with one another ; and that those Regalo's were not belonging , but to persons , who were already very much improued , and mortifyed ; That , for his part , he could not forbeare , to be much afrayd , because it seemed * to him , that there appeared an euill Spirit , in some things , though yet he would not absolutly resolue it ; but he wished that I should consider very well , of whatsoeuer I vnderstood , concerning my Prayer , and so relate it to him . Now heer , the great trouble was , that I could tell him nothing at all , of what my Prayer was ; for indeed , it is not long , since Almightie God hath done me the Fauour , of knowing , either how to vnderstand it , or declare it . But , as soone as he had expressed himself to mee , the affliction , which I had , was great ; and the teares , which I shed , were manie , through the feare I had . For certainly , I desired to serue , and please Almightie God , and I knew not how to perswade my self , that it was of the Diuel ; only I feared , least , for my great sinnes , our Lord might blind me so farre , as that I could not vnderstand it . But then , turning ouer some Bookes , to see if I could meet with anie thing , concerning my Prayer , I found in one , which is called : The Ascent to the Mountaine , ( in that particular , which concernes the Vnion of a Soule with Almightie God ) all those signes , which I had , in that state , of my not being able , to thinke of anie thing ; for , this was that , of which I spake most ; that , Namely , I could not thinke of anie thing , in distinct manner , when I had that Prayer ; and I marked , and noted those places , with certaine lines , wherein that passage was contained ; and then I deliuered him the Booke , to the end , that both himself , and that holie Priest , and Seruant of God , of whome I spake before , might consider it , and make me know , what I was to doe ; and whether , perhaps , they might be of opinion , that I was to giue-ouer my Prayer , altogeather . For , in fine , to what purpose , was I to thrust my self , into those dangers , if now ( after I had vsed this Prayer , for almost twentie yeares togeather ) I had made no other benefit thereof , but to be subiect , to the deceipts of the Diuel ; and that therefore , it were better for me , not to vse this Prayer at all ; though yet , it be also true , that this , shewed it self , as a very sad , and hard case , to me , since already I had found by experience , how ill it went with my Soule , without the exercise of Prayer . So that now , I could see nothing but miserie , on all sides ; like one , who were cast into a Riuer , and to which side soeuer he should goe , he might still haue the more danger to feare ; and were so , come , to the verie point , as it were , of drowning . This is a very mightie affliction ; and , of this kind , I haue endured manie ; as I shall declare afterward . For though , perhaps , it may seem , not to import , yet peraduenture , it may indeed proue to be of vse , towards the vnderstanding , of how , a Spirit , is to be tryed . For certainly , the affliction , which vses to be endured in these cases , is very great ; and there is need of a nice hand , and of , a warye foot , especially , when men treat with woemen ; for , our weaknes is very great ; and much mischeif may chance to ariue , by telling vs , that such , or such a thing , is certainly the Diuel , without considering it , first , very well , and remouing vs from those dangers , which may occurr ; and aduising vs , to keep things very priuate ; and that they also be carefull thereof themselues ; for this is fitt . And heerin , it is I , who speake , as one , who haue endured affliction enough , for not hauing had fitt persons , with whome I might , conferr , about my Prayer , but by asking , first one , and then another , what might doe me good ; which hath done me hurt enough . For now , diuerse things haue growne to be publique , which might well haue remained very priuate , since they are not , for euerie bodie 's vnderstanding ; and besides , it may haue seemed , as if they had been diuulged by me . I well beleiue , that those others did it , without anie fault in them , but that our Lord was pleased , to permit it , to the end , that I might suffer by it . I am farre from saying , yea or so much as thinking , as if anie of them , related anie such particular , as had passed from me to them , in Confession ; for there was no such matter ; but yet , in regard it came from me , to such persons , as to whome , in the way of conference , I gaue account of my feares , to the end , that they might assist me , with giuing me light , me thinkes , they might haue kept my counsaile . But how soeuer , I durst neuer conceale anie thing , from such persons , in such occasions , as those . I say therefore , that such as I was then , must be counsailed , with much discretion ; and animated ; and time must be expected ; for our Blessed Lord will helpe them , as he did me ; which if he had not done , the preiudice , which I should haue suffered , would haue been extreame , by reason of my being so full of apprehensions , and feares ; and especially , considering to how great palpitations of hart , I was subiect , I wonder , how this other accident , did me not more hurt . When therefore I had deliuered this Booke , and made a relation of my Life , and of my Sinnes , the best I could , ( though yet in grosse ; for I did it not , in the way of Confession , in regard he was a Secular person ; though yet still , I made him vnderstand , how wicked I was ) those two Seruants of Almightie God , considered with great charitie , and loue , what might be conuenient for me , to doe . Now , the Answer being readie , which I expected with feare enough ; and I hauing recommended my self , at that time , to manie persons , that they might recommend me ouer , to Almightie God ; and my self also hauing been much in Prayer , with affliction enough of hart , to my self , the Cauallier came to me at length , and told me , that , in the opinion , both of himself , and of the other , it was the Diuel ; and that the thing , which would be fitt for me to doe , was , to treat about this busines , with a certaine Father of the Societie of IESVS ; who , if I would call him to me , & declare , that I was in necessitie of his helpe , would not faile to come ; and that I should giue him an account of my whole life , by way of making a Generall Confession , as also otherwise , of my condition ; and that I must proceed , in all things , with much clearnes ; and that then , in vertue of the Sacrament of Confession , Almightie God would giue him more light , where with to direct me ; and that they were men of great experience , in matter of Spirit ; but that I should doe well , to be very carefull , not to swarue a whitt , from what he sayd ; for that I would find my self , in much danger , if I wanted one , to gouerne , and direct my Soule . As for mee , he put me now into so great feare , and paine , that I knew not , what to doe with my self ; and now , there was nothing with me , but weeping . And being one day , very much afflicted in an Oratorie , I fell vpon reading a certaine Booke , which it seemes , our Lord brought to my hands ; and S. Paul is cited there , saying , That God is very faithfull ; and that he neuer suffers them , vvho loue him , to be tempted , aboue their strength . This comforted me very much ; and I beganne to consider , about making my Generall Confession ; and to * put in writing , all the Sinnes , and Blessings , with the course , and proceeding of my whole life , the most clearly , that I vnderstood , and knew , how to doe ; without leauing anie little thing out . And I remember , that , when I read ouer , what I had written , and saw so manie Sinnes to haue been committed by me ; and , in effect , no good at all , to haue been done ; it gaue me an extreame affliction , and sorrow of hart . It also put me to some trouble , that they of the House , should see me treat , and conuerse with so holie people , as they , of the Societie of IESVS , are ; for I was afraid of mine owne wickednes ; and me thought , I should be obliged , by that meanes , to be wicked , no more ; and to giue-ouer my entertainments , and passe-times ; and that , if I did not this , it would be worse with me ; So that I procured , both with the Portresse , and with the Sacristin , that they should not speake thereof . But this serued my turne , to little purpose ; for there chanced to be one at the Gate , when I was called , who published it , ouer all the Conuent . But now , what difficulties , and troubles , and feares , doth the Diuel vse to prouide , for such persons , as dispose themselues , to approach to Almightie God ? When I was treating with that Seruant of his Diuine Maiestie ( who was greatly so , and a man also of very good discretion ) about the passages of my whole life , and of my Soule , he declared to me , what euerie thing was ; as a man , who vnderstood that language , very well ; and he encouraged me much , and told me , that it was euidently , the Spirit of Almightie God , which wrought in me ; * But that I must returne againe , to the exercise of Prayer , because I was not well grounded therein , nor had so much as begunne to know , what Mortification meant , ( and this , was very true ; for I had hardly euer well vnderstood , so much as the name ) but that I should , by no meanes , giue-ouer my Prayer , but rather employ my self , with more diligence , and endeauour , therein ; since Almightie God , had been pleased , to doe me so particular Fauours ; and what ( sayd he ) could anie bodie tell , whether it might not please our Lord , to doe good to manie , euen by your meanes ? Other things also he sayd , in such sort , as that he might seem , euen to haue prophecyed then , concerning those things , which our Lord was pleased to grant , and effect , afterward . And I should be subiect , to very great blame , if I corresponded not with those Fauours , which our Lord vouchsafed to shew me . In all things , it seemed to me , that the Holie Ghost spake to me , by this Father , in order to the Cure of my Soule ; so distinctly grew euerie thing , to be imprinced therein . He put me to great confusion ; and directed me , by such meanes , to proceed , that he seemed to make me absolutly , euen another Creature : So great a thing it is , to vnderstand a Soule . He willed me , euerie day , to meditate vpon some passage of the Passion of our Blessed Lord ; and that I should helpe my self thereby ; and that I should not thinke , but vpon his Holie Humanitie ; and that I should resist those recollections , and gusts , as much as I could ; and not giue place to them , till he should expresse himselfe to me , by some other order . He left me , both comforted , and strengthned ; and our Lord assisted both me , and him , to the end , that he might vnderstand my condition , and in what sort , I was to gouerne my self ; and I , remained with a resolution , not to swarue at all , from anie thing , which he had , or should cōmand me ; and therein , haue I continued , till this verie day . Our Lord be blessed , and praised , for hauing giuen me grace , to obey my Ghostlie Fathers , though yet , after an imperfect manner ; and they , haue , in effect , euer been , these blessed men , of the Societie of IESVS ; howsoeuer ( as I was saying ) I haue followed them , after an imperfect manner . But now , my Soule beganne to receiue an euident kind of amendment , and improuement ; as I will heer declare . THE FOWRE AND TWENTIETH CHAPTER . She prosecutes the former Discourse ; and shevves , hovv her Soule vvent profiting , vvhen once she had begunne to obey . She also declares , for hovv little purpose it serued , to resist the Fauours of Almightie God ; And hovv his Diuine Maiestie vvent daily imparting them to her , after a more compleat manner . BVt now my Soule remained so supple , and tractable , by meanes of this last Confession of mine , that I thought , there could be nothing , to which I would not dispose my self ; and so I instantly beganne to change , in manie things , though yet my Ghostlie Father did not * presse me much , but rather seemed to make little account of them . And this , wrought euen so much the more vpon me ; for he carried me rather on , by way of giuing me certaine libertie , in little things ; then of pressure ; vnlosse my selfe could find in my hart , to doe it for Loue. In the meane time , I continued , vpon the point of two moneths , vsing all the diligence , that possibly I could , to resist the Fauours , and Regalo's of Almightie God. As for my exteriour conuersation , and proceeding , there was already an apparant change to be seen , in me ; for already , our Blessed Lord , beganne , to giue me courage , to doe certaine things , which the persons , who saw , and knew me , held to be extreame ; and euen , in the verie House it self , and in respect of what I was wont to doe before , they might , indeed , be accounted , to hang that way ; though yet still , it all , fell short enough of that , to which I was obliged , both by the Habit , which I had taken , and by the Profession also , which I had made . From that resistance , which I made , to the gusts , and Regalo's of Almightie God , I gained thus much , that his Diuine Maiestie came to be pleased , to be my Instructour himself . For before , it seemed , that , for the disposing me , towards the receiuing of anie such Regalo's , as those , there was need , that I should retire , and shut my self , as it were , vp , into corners ; and I also durst not , as it were , moue , or stirre . But afterward , I quickly found , how little , all that , serued to the purpose ; for , when I procured to diuert my self most , so much the more did our Blessed Lord couer me , as it were , all ouer , with that kind of Suauitie , and glorie , as seemed , euen to compasse me in , on euerie side ; in such sort , as that it was not possible for me , to scape from it . And really , so it was ; for , as for me , I tooke so much care to decline it , that it did euen put me to paine ; and yet our Lord was pleased , euen still , to haue more care , to be doing me Fauours ; and to expresse himself , that way , ( in those two moneths I say ) much more , then he had formerly done ; to the end , that I might , the better , know , that this busines did now , no longer , depend , anie way , vpon my self . And now , I beganne to grow to carry a new , and fresh kind of loue , towards the most Sacred Humanitie of our Blessed Lord ; and my Prayer beganne to settle it self , like a Building , which now had morter in it , that might make the parts stick togeather ; and I beganne also , to incline my self more , to the doing of Pennance , wherein I was growne a little slack , by reason of my so great infirmities . For , that holie man , to whome I made my Confession , told me , that some kindes of Pennance , which he named , would doe me no hurt ; and that , perhaps , Almightie God gaue me sicknes , in the qualitie of Pennance , since I would impose none , vpon my self . He willed me also , to doe certaine acts of Mortification , which were not very pleasing to me ; though yet , I went-through with them all ; because it seemed to me , as if our Lord himself had commanded them ; and his Diuine Maiestie , gaue him also grace , to direct them , in such sort , as that I should be glad to obey him . My Soule went then greatly feeling euerie offence , which I might committ against Almightie God , how light , or small soeuer , the same might be ; in such sort , and to so high a proportion , as that , if I did but weare anie one little superfluous thing about me , I was not able to recollect my self , till I had put it off . I made much Prayer to our Blessed Lord , that he would be pleased to protect me still ; and that , since I conuersed , and treated the busines of my Soule , with his Seruants , he would neuer permitt , that I should returne back againe ; for I conceiued , that that , would be a strange offence in me ; yea and that euen they , would grow to loose credit by it , vpon my occasion . At this time , came to this place , Father Francis Borgia , who had been Duke of Gandia , and who already , some yeares before , had left all , and had entred into The Societie of IESVS . And now , my Ghostlie Father , as also the Cauallier , of whome I spoke before , came to me , with desire , that I would speake with Father Borgia ; and that I would also giue him account , of the Prayer I held ; for they knew , that the said Father Borgia , was a person , * farre aduanced , in being much fauoured , and regaled , by Almightie God ; and that , as one , who had left very much , in this world , for the loue of our Lord , he was resolued to pay him for it , euen here . When Father Borgia had heard me , he told me , that it was the Spirit of Almightie God ; and that he was of opinion , that now , it was fitt , no longer to resist his Fauours ; though yet , till then , he thought it to haue been well done . But that I should alwaies beginne my Prayer , with the consideration of some passage of the Passion ; and if afterward , our Blessed Lord would eleuate the Spirit , I should not resist it , but suffer his Diuine Maiestie to carrie it away ; prouided alwaies , that my self should not haue anie hand , in procuring it . But he , in fine , as being a man , who had trauailed farre already , in that way , did giue me , both counsaile , and phisick . For , experience is a great matter , in these affaires ; and he sayd , it was an errour , to resist the Fauours of Almightie God , now , anie longer . My self was greatly comforted by this ; and so also was the Cauallier ; and he reioyced much to heare Father Borgia say , that it was of Almightie God ; and he also aduised , and assisted me , in what he could ; which was very much . About this time , they changed my Ghostlie Father , from that place , to another , which I resented extreamly ; for I thought , I was to turne wicked , againe ; as also , I conceiued , that it would not be possible , that euer I should finde another , like him . My Soule was full of discomforts , and feares , euen as if it had been planted in a kind of Desert ; nor did I know , in fine , what to doe with my self . A certaine Kinswoeman of mine , procured then ; to carrie me along with her , to her House ; and I procured also to goe , the rather , that so , I might get another Confessarius , of the Societie of IESVS . Our Lord was also pleased then , that I should make freindship with a certaine Ladie , a Widdow , who was both of much qualitie , and of great Prayer , and she conuersed very much , with the Fathers of the sayd Societie ; and she drew me also to Confesse , to her Confessarius . I remained a good while , in her house ; for she liued neer me ; and I was glad , to treat much with those Fathers ; for euen by the only vnderstanding , which I came to haue , of the sanctitie of their conuersation , and way of proceeding , the profit , which my Soule found , and felt , was great . This Father , beganne to addresse me , and engage me vpon wayes of more Perfection . He told me , that , for the giuing Almightie God entire contentment , and gust , there was nothing to be lest vndone ; But this * he sayd , with a great deale of prudence , and sweetnes ; for my Soule was not yet , anie thing strong , but green , and tender ; especially in the point of giuing-ouer certaine freindships , which I maintained at that time ; for though I offended not Almightie God thereby , yet the affection , which I bore them , was very great ; and I held it , to be a kind of ingratitude , to giue them ouer . And so I also told him , that since Almightie God was not offended by it , what reason could there be , why I should become vngratefull ? He sayd , I should doe well , to recommended it , to Almightie God , for some dayes , and to recite the Hymne of Veni Creator Spiritus , &c , that so the Holie-Ghost might giue me light , to doe that , which was best . Hauing therefore been , one day , much in Prayer , and humbly beseeching our Blessed Lord , that he would assist me , to please him , in all things , I beganne the Hymne ; and whilst I was saying it , there came a Rapt vpon me , so instātly , and so suddainly , that it tooke me , as it were , out of my self ; and of this , I could not doubt ; for it was very euident ; and it was also , the verie first time , that our Lord shewed me the Fauour of Rapts ; and then I heard these * words from him : I vvill not haue thee novv , hold conuersation vvith men , but vvith Angells . This gaue me a great amazement ; for , the commotion of the Soule was great ; and those words were spoken to me , in the verie interiour part of the Spirit ; so that they made me afrayd ; though yet , on the other side , they gaue me also great consolation , which , vpon the verie flight of that feare , ( which had , in my opinion , caused that strange noueltie , ) did still remaine with me . The truth is , that this Speech of our Lord , hath been very well accomplished , and performed ; for , neuer haue I been euen able , anie more , to establish anie friendship at all , nor to feele anie consolation , nor entertaine anie particular loue towards anie other person , then such , as I vnderstand , and know , to loue Almightie God , and to procure to serue him . Nor is it now , anie longer , in my hand , or power , nor serues it a whitt , to the purpose , whether any of them be kindred , or friends , or no ; for , if I vnderstand not , that he is the Seruant of Almightie God , or a person addicted to Prayer , it is no lesse , then a heauie crosse for me , to conuerse much , with anie Creature . And this is certainly true , to the vttermost of what I can iudge of my self . From that day forward , I haue remained full of courage , and resolution , to leaue the whole world , for Almightie God ; in regard he had been pleased , in that verie moment ( for it seemed no more to me , then a verie moment ) to make this Seruant of his , become wholy , another Creature , then what she had been . So that now , there was no longer need , that they should command me , in that particular , anie more ; for , when my Ghostlie Father , had found me , to be so fixed vpon this point , he had not yet aduentured to will me expresly , to doe it . For he did , without all doubt , expect , that our Lord should be pleased , to doe it himself , as , indeed , he did ; nor yet could I euer imagine , that it would proue to take effect with me , as yet it fell out to doe ; because already , I had vsed some endeauours that way ; and the affliction , which I receiued by it , was so great , that I resolued to giue ouer the attempt , as being a thing , which I held not to be inconuenient , to continue . But now heer , our Blessed Lord , imparted both libertie , and strength to me , to put it in execution . I told this verie thing , to my Ghostlie Father ; and I gaue ouer that freindship , according to what I had been commanded . And it did them no little good , with whome I had been wont to conuerse , to see this resolution growne in me . Almightie God be euer blessed , and praised , who gaue me that libertie , and power , in one * moment , which I had not been able to purchase , and obtaine of my self , by the multitude of those great diligences , which I had vsed , manie yeares , in order to this end ; though yet , I had employed my self , so earnestly , vpon this attempt , that it had cost me , a good part of my health . But now , this hauing been wrought , and granted by him , who is the Omnipotent , and true Lord of all Creatures , it put me not , euen to the least paine , or trouble , at all . THE FIVE AND TWENTIETH CHAPTER . She treats heer , of the vvay , and manner , of vnderstanding those vvords , or speeches , vvhich Almightie God is pleased to vtter to the Soule , though yet vvithout hearing anie voice , or sound ; and of some errours , or abuses , vvhich may happen heerin ; and , hovv the right , may be knovvne , from the vvrong . It is of much vse , and profit , for such , as see themselues in this Degree of Prayer ; for it is declared very vvell ; and the Doctrine containes great instruction . ME thinkes , it should doe well , to declare , what kind of thing , this Speech is , which our Lord expresses to the Soule ; and what she also feeles ; to the end , that your Reuerence may vnderstand it ; for , from this verie time , when our Lord did me this Fauour , ( as I haue sayd ) the same thing is very vsuall with me , euen till this verie present ; as I shall let you see , by that which followes . I say therefore , that they are certaine Words , very distinctly formed ; and that , howsoeuer they be not heard , with our eares , of flesh and bloud , yet are they vnderstood , much more expresly , and clearly , then if they were so heard . And to seeke to forbeare to vnderstand them , yea and to resist the vnderstanding them , ( how much soeuer it may be ) is a vanitie , and a most impossible thing . When , in this world , we haue a minde , not to heare , we may stopp our eares , or els attend to other things , if we will ; in such sort , as that , although , peraduenture , we may heare the words , yet we shall not , in that case , vnderstand them . But * now , in this discourse , which Almightie God makes to the Soule , there is no remedie at all , but they make me harken to them , whether I will , or no ; & they oblige the Vnderstāding , to be very entire , & attentiue , for the cōprehending thereof . For he , who is able to doe all things , is resolued , that we shall vnderstand him ; and that , which he resolues , must be done ; and so he comes to be knowne , to be the true Lord of vs all . I haue very well experimented this truth ; for , the resistance , which I made him , did last , vpon the point of two yeares , through the great feare , wherein I was ; yea and euen now , I make those tryalls sometimes , but it serues me to little purpose . I would faine declare the errours ; and abuses , which may heer occurr ; though , for a man , who hath much experience , me thinkes , there should be few , or none . But indeed , the sayd experience , would be great ; as namely , to know the difference , when the Spirit is good ; and when it is ill ; and when perhaps , the thing may also be , but an apprehension of the verie Vnderstanding it self , which may occurr ; or when the verie Spirit it self , may speake , to the verie self-same Spirit ; and I know not very well , whether this may happen , or no ; though euen this verie day , I had a kind of opinion , that it might . When these Words are indeed , of Almightie God , I haue found the truth thereof , in manie things , which were told me , two or three yeares before ; and they all fell out , to proue true ; and till now , not anie one of them , failed . There are also other things , whereby it growes to proue , very plaine , that the Spirit is of God ; as I will declare afterward . To * me it seemes , that a person , recommending a thing to Almightie God , with great earnestnes , and apprehension , may grow to make himself conceiue , that he comes to vnderstand , in some sort , whether the thing shall be done , or no ; and this , I say , is very possible ; but he , who vnderstands things , after this other manner , will clearly discouer , what it may be ; so great a difference there is , between the two . And if indeed , it be a thing , which the Vnderstanding deuises , and makes , ( how subtily , and how delicately soeuer , the matter goe ) he vnderstands , that there is some part of himself , in that , which is ordained , and sayd . For , it is no other thing , then for a man to set a Discourse on foot ; or to harken , to what another man sayes ; for then , the Vnderstanding findes , that it doth not harken then , because it workes ; and the words , which it goes framing , in that case , are , as it were , fantasticall , and mute , and confused ; and are not deliuered with that clearnes , which those others haue . And now heer , it is in our owne power , to diuert our selues , or els to hold our peace , when we speake ; but in this other case , we haue no such power at all . Another signe there is , which is of more importance , then all the rest ; for , these things , which are sayd by our selues , haue no manner of operation , and worke no effect , at all ; But the other , when our Lord is pleased to speake , is not only of words , but workes ; and though they be not words of deuotion , but of reprehension , they instantly dispose the Soule , and they enable her , and make her relent ; and they giue light , and regale her , and appease her . And , if she were in state of drynes , and commotion , and disorder , these Words take all away , as if it were , with the hand ; yea and yet , much better , then so ; for it seemes , that our Lord's busines is then , to shew his mightie power ; and that his Words , are deeds . Me thinkes , there is such a difference , as there is between our speaking , or hearing ; neither more , ●orlesse . For that which I speake , I goe ordering ( as I was saying ) with my Vnderstanding ; but if another speake to me , I doe no more then heare , without anie trouble at all , to my self . One of these kindes of VVords , is like some thing , whereof we cannot well determine , whether it be not , as of a man , who is half asleepe . But this other , is found to come from a voice , so distinct , and cleare , that not one single syllable , of all that , which is sayd , can be lost . And yet , these things happen sometimes , when the Vnderstanding , and , indeed , the whole Soule , is in so great distraction , & disorder , that it would neuer be able , to hitt right , in the framing of one little peice of good discourse ; but she findes in this other way , certaine great , and weightie sentences , which are imparted to her , so strangely well ordered , and dressed , that , though she were neuer so deeply recollected , she were not able to reach them ; and yet at the verie first word thereof ( as I was saying ) they beginne to make a totall mutation of her Soule . And especially , if she be brought into Rapt , when the Powers of the Soule , are suspended , how shall those things , euer come to be vnderstood by her , after a naturall way , which were neuer exposed before to her Memorie ; as they come to be then , when it workes not , in effect , at all ; and when her Imagination is now , vpon the matter , as it were , all turned foole . But heer it is to be vnderstood , that whensoeuer either Visions are seen , or anie of these Supernaturall Words , or Speeches , be heard , it is neuer , in my opinion , at such times , as when the Soule is wholy vnited , in the Rapt it self ; for , at those times ( as , I thinke , I declared already , in my Discourse of the Second Water ) all the Powers of the Minde , are entirely lost ; and so we cannot ( at such times , as those ) either see , or heare , or vnderstand . For , the Soule is wholy in the power of another , at that time , which yet vses to last very little ; and , me thinkes , our Lord leaues her not in libertie , to doe anie thing at all . But when that short time is past , the Soule remaining still in the Rapt , this happens , whereof now I speake ; because the Powers remaine in such sort , at that time . And though they be not lost , yet , in effect , they operate , and act nothing at all ; but are , as if they were absorpt , and no way able to discourse , by the assembling , and composing of reasons . But there are so manie wayes to vnderstand the differēnce , which occurrs heer , between the true , and the false , that if the Soule should chance to be deceaued some once , she would not be so , very often . Nay I say further , that if the Soule haue had anie experience , and be carefull to obserue , what passes , she will euidently discerne this truth . For , besides all other meanes , whereby that , will appeare , which I haue sayd , these strained words will worke no effect , at all ; neither will the Soule , euer admit them ; as yet , she must , these other true ones , whether she will , or no. Nor giues she anie credit to the thing , at all ; but rather findes , and knowes , that it is but a kind of idle imagination ; iust so , in effect , as we would not make account of anie thing , which were sayd to vs , by a frantick person . But this other , is , as if we heard some person speake , who were very holie , and learned , and of great authoritie ; and such an one , as we are sure , would not lye . Yea and this , is but a meane , and base Comparison ; because indeed , these verie Words , doe bring with them , sometimes , so great a Maiestie , that euen ( without so much as reflecting vpon , who it is , that speakes them ) if they be words of reprehension , they make men tremble ; and if they concerne the Loue of God , they make Soules euen dissolue , and , as it were , annihilate themselues , in loue . And they are things , in fine , which ( as I haue sayd already ) are very farre then , from our remembrance ; and there vse to be so high , and so great sentences , so clearly , and so suddainly pronounced , as that there would haue been need , of a very great deale of time , for the putting them in order ; and , for my part , I thinke , it is wholy impossible , that then , such things as those , should be euen conceiued by vs , to haue been made , or framed , by our selues . So that there is no cause at all , why I should detaine my self heerin , anie longer ; for it would looke , like a kind of wonder , in mine eye , if anie experienced person should be able to be deceiued heerin , vnlesse he would euen haue a minde , to deceiue himself . It hath hapned to me , very ●●●en , not fully to beleiue that , which these VVords tell me , if I be in anie doubt at all thereof ; but to conceiue , that it was no more , then mine owne fancie . This I doe , when the occasion is past ; for , at the present , it is impossible ; but I haue seen it fulfilled , long after ; because our Lord is pleased , that the same should remaine still , in the memorie ; for it is not possible , to forget it . Now that , which is wont to proceed from our owne Vnderstanding , is , in effect , but the first motion of our thoughts , which quickly passes away , and is forgotten ; whereas this other , is a VVorke , rather then a vvord . And though some part of it , may be forgotten , in a long tract of time , yet the Memorie cannot loose it , so farre , as not to know , that it was sayd , vnlesse the time may haue been very long ; or els , if they be VVords of Fauour , or of Doctrine , and Instruction ; but if they be of Prophesye , they neuer happen , in my opinion , to be forgotten ; at least , this neuer hapned to me , though yet , I haue a very ill memorie . And now I returne to say , that , me thinkes , if a Soule be not , as it were , so base , and wicked , as euen , in effect , not to be a Soule ; and vnlesse it would counterfeit , and feigne ( which were mischief , and miserie enough ) and would say , that she vnderstands things , when yet really , there were no such matter , it is impossible but that she should see clearly , that it is she her self , who composes , and frames those Words , and speakes them to her self ; especially if she haue had anie vnderstanding at all , of the Spirit of God ; for , if she haue not , she may very well remaine in this abuse , or errour , all the dayes of her life ; and may perhaps conceiue , that she vnderstands those Words , as spoken by some other ; though yet , for my part , I confesse , that I cannot ariue to know , how this should be done ; for , either this Soule will vnderstand them , or not . If she be dismissing her self of that , which she vnderstands , and would faine vnderstand no part of it , ( for a thousand feares , besides manie other reasons , which she may haue , to continue quiet , in her Prayer , without such accidents , as these ) how comes she to allow so much time to the Vnderstanding , as may serue for the composing of these reasons ? For , in fine , there must be time , for that . But now , in this other way , we remaine instructed , without anie losse of time , at all ; yea , and we grow to vnderstand certaine things , at an instant ; when yet otherwise , a moneth would haue been time , little enough , to ordaine them . Yea and the Vnderstanding remaines no lesse then amazed , at some things , which we vnderstand . This is the verie truth ; and whosoeuer hath anie experience , will find , that euerie word of this , which I haue sayd , is litterally certaine ; and I blesse Almightie God , for enabling me to declare it , as I haue done . And now I end this part of the Discourse , with saying , that me thinkes , when such Words proceed from our owne Vnderstanding , we may easily come to know it , if we haue a minde to it ; and euerie time , that we are in Prayer , we shall conceiue , that we vnderstand them . But in this other kind of Words , or Speeches , it is not so ; for it will be manie dayes wherein , though I should desire to vnderstand somewhat of that kind , it would be absolutly impossible ; and when , at other times , I haue no thought that way , I must yet vnderstand it ; as I haue sayd . And me thinkes , that whosoeuer had a minde to deceiue others , affirming himself to vnderstand that , from Almightie God , which is from himself , might as well ( and it would cost him as little ) affirme , that he heard it , with his eares . And it is a most certaine , and reall truth , that , for my part , I neuer thought , that there was anie other way , then that , for the hearing , and vnderstanding anie thing , till I found , in mine owne case , that this , which I haue now deliuered , is true ; and it hath cost me , as I sayd , much trouble . When these things proceed of the Diuel , they doe not only , not worke anie good effects , but leaue also very ill ones , behind them . But this , hath not hapned to me , aboue twice , or thrice ; and I haue instantly been aduertised , by our Lord , that they were of the Diuel . And , besides the great drynes , which they leaue behind them , they also giue the Soule much disquiet , after the manner of those manie other times , when our Lord hath permitted me , to haue great temptations , and troubles of Soule , in different kindes ; and that I should often be tormented , as I will declare heerafter . But this is a certaine kind of disquiet , of which we know not , how to vnderstand , from whence it comes ; but it seemes , that the Soule resists it , and is put into great disorder by it ; and is afflicted , without knowing for what ; in regard that the Diuel saith , that such , or such a thing , is not ill , but good . I conceiue , that if one Spirit may be able to find , and feele another , the gust , and delight , which this Diabolicall Spirit giues , is different , in my opinion , from the other , after a most euident manner . The Diuel may well deceiue some such person , by giuing him gusts , as neuer receiued anie before , from Almightie God ; for , these latter , are gusts indeed , which import a sweet , strong , well-imprinted , quiet , delightfull kind of pleasure , and ioy ; for , as for those little prettie deuotions of the Soule , and certaine other slight feelings , which be like little young flowers , that are shaken off , and lost , vpon the least little wind of persecution , I doe not call them Deuotions ; though yet they are good beginnings , and holie motions , but no way sufficient to determine , whether the effects proceed from a good Spirit , or a bad ; and therefore it will be very necessarie , to walke , in this kind of things , with huge caution ; for , such persons , as shall not haue proceeded further , in Prayer , then thus farre , may easily grow to be deceiued , if they fall out to haue Visions , or Reuelations . For my part , I neuer had of these last , till God , through his owne onlie goodnes , gaue me Prayer of Vnion ; vnlesse it were that first time , whereof I spoke ; and it hapned to me , manie yeares agoe , when I saw Christ our Lord ; and I would to God , it had pleased his Diuine Maiestie , that I had vnderstood , at that time , that it was a true Vision , as I vnderstood it , to be , afterward ; for , it would not haue been , of small aduantage to me . But now , vpon these illusions of the Diuel , there neuer growes any sweetnes , or softnes , and supplenes , to the Soule ; but she remaines , as if she were frighted , and with much disgust . And I hold it for very certaine , that Almightie God will neuer permit the Diuel to deceiue anie Soule , which puts no confidence at all , in her self , and which is fortifyed in the right Faith , and resolues thus much , for her part , that she would dye a thousand deaths , for the least Article thereof ; and who , togeather with this Loue , and Faith , being infused into the Soule , by Almightie God ( which is a Liuelie , and strong Faith indeed ) procures alwayes to goe , in conformitie with that , which is taught by the Holie Catholique Church ; informing her selfe further , by seuerall wayes , as a person , who is strongly seated in this truth , That all the imaginable Reuelations of the whole world , no not , if she should see the verie Heauens open themselues , could make her varie in the least point , from the Doctrines , and Decrees of the sayd Church . But if she once come so farre , as but to shake , or wauer , euen in one single thought , against this ; or entertaine her self so farre , as to say : But novv , if God himself say thus to me , as he hath sayd such other things , to Saints ; this may also be true ; I say not , that she beleiue it , but that the Diuel beginne to tempt her , by this motion ; and that she be content , to continue her self a little therein ; a bodie may see already , that this is starke naught . But for my part , I beleiue , that manie times , euen these other first motions , will hardly euer come so farre , as euen but to set vpon such a Soule ; if she be already so strong , as our Blessed Lord is wont to haue made such , as to whome he vses to impart these Fauours . For , me thinkes , she might be able to teare those Diuels , euen to fitters , whensoeuer there might be question of anie one single little Truth , which the Church holds . I say , that , if the Soule doe not find such a strength , as this , in her self ; and that the deuotion , or Vision , which she had , doe not assist , and help her-on therein , let her not hold anie such Vision for safe ; because , though the hurt of it , be not instantly vnderstood , it may perhaps grow , by little , and little , to be great . For , ( to the vttermost of what I can discerne , and know by experience ) the reputation , and credit , that such a thing is of the Spirit of God , is setled , and assured , in such sort , as that it also goes , in conformitie to Holie Scripture . And when it should be found to varie from this Rule , though it were neuer so little , I thinke I should be then , much more sure , without comparison , that it were of the Diuel , then now I haue assurance , that it is of Almightie God ; how great soeuer I might find that assurance to be . For , in that case , we should haue no need at all , to goe in search after signes ; nor to enquire , of what Spirit it were ; since this is so cleare a signe , to make vs beleiue , that it is of the Diuel , that if all the world should endeauour to assure me , that it were of God , I would not beleiue it . The matter is , that , when these things are of the Diuel , it seemes , as if all kind of benediction , did hide it self , and euen flye from the Soule ; so vntoward , and vnquiet , and in so great disorder , doth she remaine , without anie one good effect , at all . For , though there may be a seeming , as if there were a planting of good desires , in her ; yet they are not effectuall , or strong . The humilitie , which he leaues behind him , is false , vnquiet , and without anie suauitie at all ; and me thinkes , this may be easily enough vnderstood , by anie Creature , who hath experience , of what a good Spirit , is . But yet , the Diuel is very able to play manie tricks ; and therefore there is nothing of this kind so certaine , and cleare , but that somewhat may still be feared , at his hands . And so it will euer be well done , to proceed with caution , and aduice ; and to haue a Directour , who may be learned ; and to conceale nothing from him ; and so the Party shall be sure to take no hurt ; though yet , I haue had my part thereof , through the excessiue feares , to which some of them were subiect . In particular , it hapned to me once , that manie persons meeting togeather , in whome I had beleife enough , ( and there was reason , that I should haue it ; and though I proceeded heerin , after the manner of entire confidence , but with one , yet when he commanded me , I spoke also with others ) they treated much , about finding remedie , for all my inconueniences . For , they loued me very much ; and I doubted , that I might , perhaps , be deceiued ; and I was also subiect to extreame feares , whensoeuer I was not in Prayer ; for when I was , and when our Lord vouchsafed to doe me anie Fauour therein , I grew presently , into good assurance ; and I thinke , they were fiue , or six of them ; and they were all , great Seruants of Almightie God. But then , my Ghostlie Father told me , that they * all , had growne to resolue , that it was the Diuel ; and directed me , not to Communicate so often ; and that I should endeauour , to diuert my self , in such sort , as that I might not be much alone . Now , I was extreamly timorous in these cases , as I haue sayd ; and the palpitation of my hart , helped me on , therein ; so that I had not the courage , manie times , to be alone , in my roome , euen by day . But when I found , what so manie of them affirmed , ( which yet I could by no meanes beleiue ) I grew to haue an extreame scruple , as conceauing , that this was a signe , of very little humilitie , in my self , since they all , were incomparably of better life , then I ; and , besides all this , they were learned ; and , in fine , why should not I beleiue them ? I forced my self the best I could , to doe it ; and I thought much , of mine owne wicked life ; and how , ( considering that ) it might be likely enough to be true , which they sayd . Vpon this , I went into the Church , with this affliction ; and passed on , into an Oratorie , hauing forborne , manie dayes , to Communicate ; and auoided also to be alone ; which yet had formerly been my totall comfort ; and all this , without hauing one person , with whome I might treat ; for , they were all against me . Nay some of them , me thought , made themselues , as it were , merrie with me , whensoeuer I would be telling them , what I thought ; and others would be aduising my Ghostlie Father , to take heed of me ; nay some would goe so farre , as to say , that it was clearly the Diuel . Only my Ghostlie Father , though he conformed himself with those others ( as I grew to vnderstand afterward ) so farre , as to haue me tryed , did euer giue me comfort , and told me , that , though it should be the Diuel , yet I , not offending Almightie God , he would be able to doe me no hurt ; That the difficultie would grow to be remoued ; That , in the meane time , I should pray hartily to Almightie God ; and that he , and all those others , and manie more also then they , would doe the like ; and all my Prayer , and theirs , whome I conceiued to be the Seruants of Almightie God , aymed at this ; That his Diuine Maiestie would be pleased , to carrie me on , by some other way . And this kind of making continuall intercession to our Lord , might last , about a matter of some two yeares . As for me , I was capable of no comfort , when I thought once , that it was possible , for the Diuel , to be so often speaking to me , and in me ; but in regard , that now , I employed no more howers of my time , in Solitude , for Prayer , our Lord gaue me Recollection , euen when I was in conuersation ; and so , as that I was not able to auoyd it ; and he sayd such things to me , as he pleased ; and I , in the meane time , was troubled , that I was faine to heare him . But once , being all alone , without hauing anie Creature by me , vpon whome to ease my self , I could neither pray , nor reade ; but was like a person , euen all amazed , at so great tribulation , as I endured ; and with so much feare , to consider , whether the Diuel were to haue power , to circumuent me , in this manner , or no. And being all disordered , and euen tyred , without knowing what to doe with my self ( for I had seen my self , in this affliction , and that very often , though yet neuer , to my thinking , in so great extremitie , as then ) I remained foure , or fiue howers , after this manner ? For there seemed to be no comfort at all , for me , either vpon earth , or yet from Heauē ; but our Lord left me so , in sufferāce , and vnder the feare also , of a thousand dangers . O my deare Lord ! and how truly art thou a true friend ? and how powerfull art thou , to doe what thou wilt ? and dost neuer leaue , to loue them , who loue thee , if they loue thee indeed ? Let all things praise thee , O thou Lord of the whole world ; and O , that I could cry out , lowd enough , through that whole world , to declare , how faithfull , and true thou art , to thy freinds ! All other things grow to faile vs ; but thou , who art the Lord of them all , dost neuer faile ; and it is little also , which thou permittest such , as loue thee , to suffer for thee . O my deare Lord ! how delicately , and how smoothly , yea and how sauourily also , dost thou know , how to treat such Soules ! O that a Creature , whome I know , had been so happie , as neuer to haue detained her self , vpon louing anie other thing , then thee ! It seemes indeed , O Lord , that sometimes , thou tryest such , as loue thee , with a kind of rigour ; to the end , that , by that extremitie of trouble , they may afterward , come the better , to find , and feele thereby , the great excesse of thy loue . O my God! that I had vnderstanding , and learning , yea and new words ; so to be able , to exaggerate thy workes , according to that intelligence , which my Soule hath , thereof ! All this , is wanting to me , O my deare Lord ; but yet , if thou forsake me not , I will neuer be wanting to thee . Let all the learned men of the world rise-vp against me ; Let the Diuells of Hell , torment me ; yea , Let all creatures persecute me ; but only , be not thou wanting to me , O my deare Lord ; for I know , by good experience , with how much aduantage , and fruit , thou deliuerest all such persons , as put their confidence in thee , alone . For , when I was in this great , and miserable affliction of Spirit , at a time , when I had not enioyed anie one Vision , at all , these only few * following words , were sufficient to free me from all trouble , and to quiet me entirely : Feare not , O my Daughter for , it is I , and I vvill not forsake thee ; Doe not feare . It seemes to me , that , considering what kind of Creature I was , then , there would haue been need of a long time , to perswade me to quiet my self ; and that no bodie would haue been able , to doe it ; and yet now , behold me heer , all quieted , and composed , by these few words ; and I was endued with strength , with courage , & with securitie , which was accompanied with a kind of repose , and light ; in such sort , as that , at that verie instant , I saw my Soule become a direct other thing , then it was before ; and , me thinkes , I could euen haue disputed against the whole world , in proofe , that this , proceeded from Almightie God. O what a good deare God , is this ! O what a good deare Lord is he , and how very powerfull ! for not only doth he giue the counsaile , but the remedie also . His verie Words , are Workes ; and O , how doth he , both strengthen our Faith , and encrease our Loue ? It is really very true , that I often called to minde , how our Lord had commanded the windes , to compose , and quiet themselues , at Sea , when a Tempest had been raised . And so also , did I say : Who is this , whome all the Powers of my Soule obey ? and who , at an instant , brings-in light , to chace so great an obscuritie away ; and makes that hart , grow soft , and supple , which seemed to haue the verie hardnes of stone ; and knowes , how to driue , and draw-downe the water of sweet teares , where there was so great a drougth , so long before . Who is he , that can inspire these desires ? Who can imprint such a courage ? what was I about , to doubt ? and what can I feare ? What is this ? I desire , to serue this Lord ; and I pretend no other thing , then to please him ; I renounce all contentment , and ease , or anie other good at all , but only the accomplishing of his Will. For , of this , I was very sure , in my opinion ; and that I might safely affirme it ; that , since this Lord is so powerfull , as , I see , he is ; and as I know , he is ; and that all the Diuels of Hell , are his Slaues ; and of this , there can be no doubt , since it is matter of Faith ; and I being the Seruant of this Lord , and King , what hurt can they all , be able to doe me ? and , why may not I haue strength enough , to fight with all the Powers of Hell ? I then , tooke a Crosse into my hand ; and really , I thought , God gaue me courage to conceiue , that I should be shortly , another kinde of woeman ; and that I was not to be afrayd , to wrestle a Fall , with the * Diuels ; but conceiued , that , togeather with that Crosse , I should be easily able , to ouercome them all ; yea and once , I prouoked them thus : Come towards me , as manie of you , as dare ; for I , being the Seruant of our Lord , will see , what you all , can doe against me . And it is most certaine , that I thought , they were afrayd of me ; and , for my part , I remained so , in quiet , and so totally , without feare of them all , that all the feares , which I had formerly conceiued , till that verie present time , were remoued from me . For , though I saw them sometimes , ( as I shall declare afterward ) yet I neuer feared them more , but conceiued that they were rather affrayd of me . I possessed a dominion ouer them , which had been giuen me , by the Lord of all Creatures : and I make no more reckoning of them , then of so manie Flyes ; and they seem to be , of so cowardlie a nature , that , when once they come to find , that they are not esteemed , they haue no power at all . For , this kind of enemie , knowes not , how to set vpon anie one , who renders not himself vp , to them ; or els ; when Almightie God permitts , for the greater good of his Seruants , that they may tempt , and torment them . I would to God , it might please his Diuine Maiestie , that we would feare , whome indeed , we ought to feare ; and that we might perfectly vnderstand ; that we shall receiue more preiudice , by committing anie * one single Veniall sinne , then by all the power of Hell , put togeather ; for , this is a most certaine truth . How extreamly doe these Diuels carrie vs frighted , vp , and downe , because our selues indeed , will needs giue occasion thereof , by our being so close fastned , as we are , to our Honours , to our Estates , and to our Delights ? For then ; we being ioyned togeather , with these impediments , by louing , and desiring to possesse them , who are our contraries , & whome we ought to abhorre , they grow able , to doe vs much hurt . For , we enable them , to fight against our verie selues , with our owne weapons , which we put into their hands ; though indeed , we were to defend our selues , thereby , against them ; And this is both pitty , and shame . But now , if , on the other side , we shall resolue to abhorre all those things , for the loue of our Lord , and embrace his Crosse , and pitch vpon doing him seruice , in good earnest , he flyes as fast away from these solid truths , as a man would doe , from the Plague . In fine , he is a freind of Lyes ; yea and a verie Lye , himself . He is easily kept from medling much , with such persons as walke entirely according to Truth ; but when once he can discouer , that a mans Vnderstanding growes to be obscured , he hath a particular grace , in procuring to breake the verie strings of his eyes ; and if he see one , already proue so blind , as that he will needs build his rest , and ease , vpon vaine things , ( and so vaine , as that , being things of this world , they are no better , then toyes , fitt for children ) he findes already ; that such a person , is a verie Child , and so he treates him like such an one ; and wrestles with him , more or lesse , as he sees cause . I beseech our Blessed Lord , that I may neuer proue to be one of these , but that his Diuine Maiestie , may be pleased to doe me so much Fauour , as that I may vnderstand that , to be ease , and rest , which is , indeed , true ease , and rest ; and that , to be honour ; which is true Honour ; & delight , which is true delight ; and not the direct contrarie , to all this ; and then , a figg for all the Diuels in Hell ; for then , they shall be , all of them , afrayd of me . For my part , I vnderstād not those feares of the Diuel , and the Diuel ; and I know not what ; when we may be able to say , God , and God , &c. and so make those Wretches , tremble . For already , we know well enough , that the Diuel is not able to stirre , vnlesse our Lord permit him . What then , may be the ground of all these disorders ? It is certainly , that I am more afrayd of them , who are so frighted by the Diuel , then of the Diuel himself ; for he is vtterly vnable , to doe me hurt , whereas these others ( especially , if they be Ghostlie Fathers ) may put Soules to much disquiet ; and , for my part , I haue passed some yeares , through so great trouble , that now , I am euen amazed to consider , how I haue been able to endure it . But Blessed be our Lord , who hath assisted me , in so good earnest ; Amen . THE SIX AND TWENTIETH CHAPTER . She prosecutes the same Discourse ; and goes relating , and declaring such things , as hapned to her , vvhich made her loose feare ; and to be strengthned in a beleif , that it vvas a good Spirit , vvhich spake to her . I Esteem the courage , which our Lord hath vouchsafed to giue me , against all the Diuels of Hell , to be one of the great Fauours , which it hath pleased his Diuine Maiestie , to doe mee ; since for a Soule to goe cowardly on , and to be fearefull indeed , of anie thing , but only to offend the Maiestie of Almightie God , is an extreame inconuenience . For , since we haue a King , who is Omnipotent , and so great a Lord , that he can doe , what he listes , and who brings all things into subiection , vnder himself , there is no feare at all , to be had ; and therefore , as I was saying , we haue no cause to doubt ; so that we walke sincerely , and with puritie of conscience , in the presence of his Diuine Maiestie . And in order to this end , I shall be glad , to haue all the feares in the world , to offend him , in anie one instant of my whole life ; who is able in the verie self-same instant , to destroy , and annihilate vs all . As long as his Diuine Maiestie is pleased with vs , there is no Creature , who can stand against vs , without hauing his head broken , for his paines . You will , peraduenture , say , that this is very true ; but yet now , on the other side , where shall we find that Soule , which stands so streight , as that she may be wholy pleasing to him ? and because she is not so , she is in feare . I answer , that I am sure , that , that pure , and innocent Soule , is none of mine , which indeed is very wretched , and vnprofitable , and surcharged euen with a thousand miseries . But yet still , we haue this comfort , that Almightie God doth not proceed with such rigours , as men doe ; for he knowes , and considers our frailties ; and the Soule hath wayes of vnderstanding , and finding in it self , by great coniectures , whether , really , she loue his Diuine Maiestie , or no ; for in such , as ariue once to this state , our loue to him , is not now , a kind of dissembled , or disguised loue , as it vses sometimes to be , in the beginnings ; but it is accompanied with so great impulses , and euen impetuosities of desire , to see Almightie God , as I shall afterward declare ; or rather , as I haue declared already ; and all things are wont to afflict ; all things to wearie , & tyre ; and all things doe euen torment her , vnlesse it be only God , or for God. There is not so much , as anie repose , which doth not displease her ; because she findes her self absent , from her true repose ; and so it falls-out to be very euident , that things passe not heer , in a dissembling way . It hath hapned to me , in former times , that I found my self , in great tribulations ; and I was subiect to manie detractions , ( by occasion of a certaine busines , whereof I may haue cause to speake afterward ) from all that House , where I liue , yea and from my Order ; and I was afflicted , vpon manie accidents , which occurred then ; at which time , it pleased our Lord , to vtter these expresse words to me : Of vvhat art thou afrayd ? Dost thou not knovv , that I am Omnipotent ? I vvill accomplish all that , vvhich I haue promised thee . And indeed , he accomplished it afterwards , very well . But euen instantly , there remained such a kind of strength in me , that , me thought , I could presently haue put my self , to aduenture vpon other things , though they should cost me much more trouble , for the doing him seruice ; and could haue suffered also much more , for him . And this verie self same thing , hath hapned to me so often , that I am not able to count the times ; and he hath made me , and makes me still , such reprehensions ( by occasion of those imperfections , which I commit sometimes ) that they are able , euen , as it were , to annihilate the Soule . At least , they bring so much in their company , as that she is mended by them ; for , his Diuine Maiestie ( as I haue sayd ) doth not only giue vs the counsaile , but the remedie . At other times , he brings back to me , the memorie of the Sinnes of my former life ; and this , he most ordinarily vses to doe , whensoeuer he intends , to vouchsafe me anie extraordinarie Fauour . And he doth it in such sort , that the Soule discernes her self , as if she were really planted , at the verie Day of the Last Vniuersall Iudgement ; and the truth is represented to her , with such a kind of perspicuitie , and claritie , that she knowes not , what to doe with her self . At other times , he is pleased to informe me of certaine dangers , concerning both my self , and others , about things , which doe not happen , till three , or fowre yeares , after ; but they all , were euer fulfilled ; and some of them , might also be named , if there were cause . So that , there are so manie particulars , whereby it may be vnderstood , that these things are of Almightie God , as that , in my opinion , they cannot but be knowne , and acknowledged . The most secure proceeding consists , in that , such a person doe not faile , to impart her whole Soule , to her Ghostlie Father ; and that he be a learned man ; and that she doe entirely obey him . At least , this is the course , which I take ; and without this , I could haue no rest ; nor were it indeed fitt , that we woemen , should haue anie ; since we haue no learning ; and there can be no hurt at all , in this , but manie aduantages , and benefits ; as our Lord himself hath told me , manie times ; I say , manie times . I had once a Ghostlie Father , who mortifyed me very much ; and sometimes , he did euen afflict me ; and brought me a great deale of trouble ; and disquieted me , in extraordinarie manner ; and yet it was he , who , in my opinion , did me the most good , of them all . And though I loued him very much , yet I had some temptations , to leaue him ; for it seemed to me , that I was much preiudiced , by those inconueniences which he was wont to giue me concerning my Prayer . But yet euer , when I was determining to doe this , I instantly vnderstood , that I was to forbeare it ; and I receiued such a reprehension from our Lord , as defeated , and , as it were annihilated , me more , then all that , which my Ghostlie Father , could lay vpon me . And sometimes , he tired me outright , with asking me questions , on the one side , and making me some reproofe , on the other ; and I had need of no lesse , then all this ; so double , and so weake a will I had . He told me once , that it was not to obey , if withall , I were not resolued to suffer ; and that I was to cast mine eyes , vpon what he had been content toendure for me ; and that so , the hardest things , would become easie . Another Ghostlie Father of mine ; to whome I was wont to Confesse my self , in the beginnings , gaue me once this aduise , that , since it had been found by tryall , that the Spirit was good , I should now carrie things , in absolute silence ; and not giue notice thereof , to anie Creature ; for that it was better , to wrap-vp these kindes of things in that manner . As for me , I misliked not this ; for , whensoeuer I was to declare them to my Ghostlie Father , I grew to be so much troubled , and conceiued my self to be so much affronted by it , that I had much lesse difficultie , to Confesse my greatest Sinnes . And especially , if I were to declare those highest Fauours , which our Lord vouchsafed to impart , I thought , they were not likelie to beleiue it , but to make a ieast , and scorne of me . But indeed , I was cheifly troubled so much at it , because it seemed to amount to a kind of irreuerence , towards the wonders of Almightie God ; and for this reason , I would haue been glad , to conceale them . But I quickly came to vnderstand , how that Ghostlie Father had giuen me * very ill aduise ; and that I was , by no meanes , to conceale anie thing , from him , who was to receiue my Confessions ; because there was much securitie for me , to deale clearly with him ; and that , if I proceeded otherwise , I might perhaps fall into errour , at one time , or other . Whensoeuer our Lord commanded me anie thing , in my Prayer , if my Ghostlie Father chanced to bid me doe otherwise , our Lord would returne to command me , to obey my Ghostlie Father ; and yet againe afterward , his Diuine Maiestie , would direct him , to command me , to doe that verie thing , which our Lord himself had commanded me to doe , before . When once they tooke manie Bookes , written in Spanish , from me , that I might not reade them , I was much troubled at it ; for , some of them , serued me for recreation ; and now I was not able to reade them , because there were none left there , but in Latin. But then , our Blessed Lord sayd these words to me : Be not troubled ; for I vvill giue thee a Liuing Booke . I could not , for my part , vnderstand , why this had been sayd to me ; for then , I had neuer had Vision ; but within a little while after , I vnderstood it very well ; for I haue had so much to thinke of , and to recollect my self about , concerning those things , which I saw before me , and our Blessed Lord hath shewed me so great loue , as to instruct me , by such a multitude of wayes , that I haue had very little need of Bookes , or rather , in effect , none at all ; for , his Diuine Maiestie , hath been that true Booke to me , wherein I haue , indeed , seen Truths . And now , blessed be such a Booke , as this , which leaues that , imprinted in the verie hart , which is to be read ; yea and so , as that it can neuer be forgotten . Who can ouer , see our Blessed Lord , all couered-ouer with wounds , and afflicted with persecutions of all kindes , and yet , not be contented , to embrace them ; yea and to desire them , and to loue them ? Who can see , though but a very little , of that Glorie , which he giues to such , as serue him , and not come instantly to know , that all that , which we can possibly euer , either doe , or suffer heer , is directly nothing ; since we hope for so high a reward ? He , who sees the torments , which the damned Soules of Hell , endure , how can he choose , but esteem all the torments of this life , to be a kind of delightfull thing , in comparison of those others ? and how can he choose but know the mightie obligation , which he hath to our Blessed Lord , for hauing deliuered him , so often , out of that sad place . But because I meane heerafter , by the Fauour of Almightie God , to speake more of some particular things of these kinds , I now intend to declare , the processe of mine owne Life ; and for the present , I beseech Almightie God , that I may haue knowne , how to expresse my self in that , which I haue sayd already . I well beleiue , that whosoeuer shall haue had experience , will haue vnderstood me ; and will haue seen , that I haue hapned vpon saying somewhat , which is to the purpose ; but I shall not wonder a whitt , if such , as haue none , shall conceiue , that I haue been talking idly , all this while . It suffices me , to say , as I haue sayd , that so I may remaine free , from fault ; nor yet , will I blame anie other , who shall be of a different opinion . Our blessed Lord giue me grace , that I may neuer faile , in fulfilling his holie will , Amen . THE SEAVEN AND TWENTIETH CHAPTER . She treats of another vvay , hovv our Lord instructs a Soule and giues her to vnderstand his VVill , after a very admirable manner , vvithout anie speech at all . She also declares a certaine Vision , and great Fauour , vvhich our Lord shevved her ; and this Vision , vvas not Imaginarie . This Chapter is very much to be noted . BVt now , ( returning to the Discourse , or Historicall part of my Life ) I remained with much affliction , and trouble , but it was accompanied with manie prayers ( as I was saying ) which were made to our Lord , that he would be pleased , to conduct my Soule , by some other way , which might be more secure ; since they told me , that the former , was , to be suspected . Yet , true it is , that , howsoeuer I begged it much , of Almightie God , yet considering , how euidently my Soule was improued , by the course which I held before , I could neuer find it in my power , to desire it hartily , and home , ( though yet still , I did it , in some sort ) vnlesse it were sometimes , when I was euen distressed , and all tyred out , by the things , which they sayd to me ; and by the frights , into which they put me . For now , I was wholy growne , to be another Creature ; and therefore , I could not cordially desire it . Only I put my self into the hands of Almightie God , beseeching him , that since he knew , what was fittest for me , he would be pleased , to accomplish his holie Will , in all things , concerning me . But now , I saw plainly , that , by this way of mine , which they suspected , my Soule was euen carrying-vp to Heauen , which formerly was dropping downe to Hell ; And why therefore , should I desire , that this course might be changed ? For , as for beleiuing , that it was of the Diuel , it was not in my power , euen to constraine my self to it ; though yet , I did what I could , to desire , that I might be able to beleiue it ; but it was not ( as I sayd ) in my power . I offered , to this end , some little , poore , good workes , which I did , if I did anie . I became deuoted to some Saints ; to the end , that , by their meanes , I might be deliuered from the Diuel . I performed the Deuotions of Nine Dayes ; I recōmended my self to S Hilarion , and to S. Michael also , the Archangell , for I had lately applyed my self to him , for this purpose ; and I importuned also mame other Saints , that our Lord might be pleased , by their intercession , to conduct me , in the way of Truth ; I say , that they would find some meanes , to perfect this busines of mine , with his Diuine Maiestie . In fine , after the end of two yeares , which , both I , and other persons , had wholy employed , with all their prayers , and mine , in order to this end , that our Lord might be pleased , either to conduct my Soule by some other way , or els vouchsafe to declare , that this way , wherein I went , was right , ( for now , those VVords , and Speeches , which I haue related , that our Lord would be vttering to me sometimes , were growne very ordinarie , & euen continuall ) that chanced , and occurred to me , which I will now declare . As I was in Prayer , one day ( and it was vpon the Festiuitie of the Glorious S. Peter ) I saw , standing very neer me , or rather , ( to say better ) mee thought I felt ( for indeed I saw nothing at all , with the eyes , either of my Bodie , or of my Minde ) that Christ our Lord was close by me ; and I found , in fine , that it was he , in my opinion , who was speaking to me . But now I ( who was extreamly ignorant , till then , that there might be anie such thing , in the world , as such a Vision ) fell , at the first , into a mightie feare ; and I could doe nothing but weepe ; though yet , through his giuing me assurance , by his speaking but one onlie word , I found my self ; as I had formerly been , not only without feare , and very quiet , but euen with Regalo , and delight . Me thought , that Christ Iesus , our Lord , went euer close to me , on one side ; but the Vision not being Imaginarie , or represented in any Forme , I perceiued not , in what shape he was . But as for his being euer , on my right side , I found , and felt that , very clearly ; and that he was the witnes , of whatsoeuer I did ; and that I could not be recollected , though it were neuer so little , ( or rather indeed , vnlesse I were much diuerted , or distracted ) but I must needs , in fine , vnderstand , that he was very neer me . I then went immediatly to my Ghostlie Father , being sufficiently vexed , and greiued , that I must let him know it . He asked me , what Forme , or Figure he had , when I saw him ; and I told him , that I had not seen him . Vpon this , he enquired then , how I knew , that it was Christ our Lord. To this I answered , that I knew no more , but that I could not possibly faile , or forbeare , to vnderstand , and know , that he was close to me ; and that I found , and felt it plainly ; and that now , the recollection of my Soule , in Prayer of Quiet , was farre greater , and more continuall ; & that the effects were very different from those others , which I had formerly found ; and that the thing was very certaine , and cleare . For my part , I could doe no more , but bring diuerse Comparisons , whereby to giue my self to be vnderstood ; but yet certainly , in my opinion , there is none , which can suite very well , to expresse this kind of Vision . For , as this is one of the highest kind ( as I was told afterwards , by a certaine holie man , and of great Spirit , called Fray Pedro de Alcantara , whome I shall mention afterward , more at large ; ( and the same hath been also told me , by other great learned men ) and that this , is one of those Fauours , where the Diuel can least intermeddle , or intrude himself , of all others ) so haue we heer no words , or tearmes at all , wherewith to declare it ; at least we , who know so little ; though such as are learned , will , peraduēture , be able to doe it better . For , when I say , that I neither saw this , with the eyes of the Bodie , nor of the Minde ( because it was no Imaginarie Vision ) how come I to vnderstand , and how can I vndertake , and affirme , more clearly , & certainly , that Christ our Lord was standing neer me , then if I had seen him , with my verie eyes . For it seemes indeed to be , as if a person were in the darke , who sees not another , that stands by him ; or as if the same person were blind . Some resemblance , I say , this carries ; though yet , not very much . For in this last case , a man may come to know it , by the way of seuerall Senses ; because he may heare the other speake , or stirre ; or he may touch him ; But heer , there is nothing of all this ; nor is there heer , anie darknes at all ; but only the thing is represented to the Soule , by a certaine notice , which is more cleare then the Sunne . I say not , that anie Sunne is seen , nor anie clearnes , or brightnes at all ; but only a certaine light , which illuminates , and informes the Vnderstanding ( though yet without seing anie light ) to the end , that the Soule may enioy so high a good . Now , this brings great benefits with it . Yet is it not like such a Presence of God , as manie times is felt in the Minde ; and especially by such persons , as be ariued to Vnion , and Quiet Prayer ; who , in resoluing to beginne to make that Prayer , seem to find the person readie at hand , to whome to speake ; and we seem to vnderstand , that he heares vs ; by the effects , and spirituall feelings , which we find , of great Loue , and Faith , and other firme purposes , and resolutions , accompanied with much tendernes of Denotions . This is a great Fauour of Almightie God ; and let him esteem it much , who hath it ; for it is a very eleuated , and high Prayer ; but yet , it is no Vision ; but heer it is vnderstood , that Almightie God is there , by the effects ; which , as I haue sayd , he workes in the Soule ; for , in this manner of Prayer , doth his Diuine Maiestie vouchsafe , to giue hemself , then , and there , to be felt . But now , heer , it is clearly found , that Christ Iesus the Sonne of the Virgin , is present . In that other manner of Prayer , there are certaine influences of the Diuinitie represented ; but heer , togeather with them , we find , that the most Sacred Humanitie also of Christ our Lord , doth accompanie vs , to doe vs fauour . My Ghostlie Father then asked me this question : VVho told you , that it vvas Iesus Christ ? Himself told me so , ( answered I ) and that manie times ; but yet , euen before he told me so , it was im printed vpon my Vnderstanding , that it was he ; yea and euen before this , he told me so ; and yet still I saw him not . If anie man , whome I had neuer seen , but only had heard newes of him , should come to speake with me ( I being either blind , or in the darke ) and should tell me , who he were , I should beleiue him ; and yet I could not so resolutly affirme him , to be that person , as if I had seen him . But yet now , in this other case , I could ; for heer , there is imprinted , so cleare a notice of him , in the Minde , without seeing him , that it seemes a kind of impossibilitie , to doubt it ; for , our Lord will haue it so engrauen vpon the Vnderstanding , that it can no more be questioned , then euen that , which we see ; no nor yet so much ; for , in things , which we see , there remaines , sometimes , a suspicion , whether we might not haue fancied such a thing , and so mistaken it . But heer , though vpon the suddaine , and , as it were , by way of surprise , one may beginne to fall vpon a kind of suspicion , or doubt , yet still , vpon the whole matter , we remaine in so great a certaintie , as that the doubt continues not , to haue place . And so also , doth it fall out ; though yet , in a different manner , that God instructs the Soule , & speakes to it , but yet without speaking at all , in such sort , as I haue already declared . This is a certaine kind of language , which hath so much of the Celestiall in it , that it cannot well be giuen to be vnderstood by vs heer , how much soeuer we may desire it , vnlesse our Lord himself be pleased to teach it , by experience . For , our Blessed Lord conueyes , and places that , in the most interiour part of the Soule , which he is pleased , that the same Soule shall vnderstand , and know ; and there , doth he represent it , without either anie image of his person , or anie forme of words ; but only after the way of that kind of Vision , which I haue already touched . And now , let this manner of Almightie God's making the Soule vnderstād , what he will , in the way of great Truths , and mysteries , be much obserued . For , manie times , that , which I vnderstand , when our Lord declares anie Vision , which his Diuine Maiestie is pleased to represent to me , is after this manner ; and me thinkes , it is in such occasions , as where the Diuel is least able to intermeddle , or intrude himself , for these reasons ; and if they be not found , I am likelie enough , to be deceiued . Now , this kind of Vision , and language , is so inwardly a thing of Spirit , that heer , there is no kind of springing , or euen stirring , in anie of the Powers of the Minde ; nor yet in anie of the Senses of the Bodie , in my opinion ; by which meanes , the Diuel may be able to make himself the gainer . Thus , I say , it happens sometimes ; as namely , when it lasts but a very little while . For , at some other times , me thinkes , that neither the Powers of the Minde , are suspended , nor yet the Senses of the Bodie disabled , but that they are all , at home , and in vse . The other , happens not alwayes in this degree of Contemplation , but rather very seldome . I say , that , when they are so lost , we neither operate anie thing , nor doe anie thing ; but all seemes , to be the worke of our Lord. It is , as when a food is already conueyd into the stomack , without either our hauing eaten it , or so much as knowing , who layd it there ; but only we vnderstand well , that there it is ; though , in that case , it be neither knowne , what the food is , nor who carried it thither . But heer , it is very differet ; for here , the food is knowne , though yet , how it got thither , I cannot tell ; for neither did I see it ; nor vnderstand it ; nor was I euer moued to desire it ; nor had it euer come to my knowledge before , that such a thing , could possibly be . In the Speech , vpon which I touched before , Almightie God makes the Vnderstanding obserue , and reflect , vpon that , which is sayd ; whether it desire to vnderstand , or no. For there , it seemes , that the Soule hath some other kind of eates , wherewith to heare ; & that he makes her harken , and not , the while , to thinke of somewhat els ; as if one , who could heare well , were not suffered , to stopp his eares ; and that they cryed out alowd , to him , who would therefore be faine to heare them , whether he would , or no ; but somewhat , in fine , he doth , since he is attentiue to vnderstand , what they say . But heer , the Soule doth inst nothing ; for , euen that little , which was done in the former way , and which was only to harken , is taken from her now ; for now , she findes all dressed , to her hand ; yea and all eaten by her , too . So that now , there is nothing to be done by her , but to enioy . Iust so , as anie one , who , without euer hauing learnt , or so much as endeauoured to read , and much more , without anie studying at all , should find that whole Science already possessed by himself , and that , without knowing at all , either how , or whence it came , since he had neuer procured to acquire it , with so much , as learning his A. B. C. And this last Comparison , me thinkes , declares some part of this Celestiall guift ; for , the Soule findes her self heer , to be growne wise , vpon a suddaine ; and that the Mysterie of the most Holie Trinitie , and other most sublime Articles , are so exactly declared to her , that there is not anie Theologue , or Diuine , in the world , with whome she might not aduenture to dispute , concerning the truth of those high points . The Soule remaines heer , in such an amazement , that some one such Fauour , as this , suffices , to worke a totall change in her ; and to make her loue nothing , but only him , who , without anie labour at all , of hers , hath made her capable of so vnspeakable blessings ; and to whome he communicates his secrets ; and whome he treats with arguments of so great , and deare friendship , and loue , that they * endure not , so much , as to be written . For he doth some such kinds of Fauour , as might euen bespeake a kind of suspicion , and doubt , in the hearer ; in regard , that they are of so great admiration ; and haue been imparted to a person , who hath deserued them so very ill . And , in fine , if we bring not a very Liuelie , and euen lusty Faith with vs , they cannot be beleiued ; and therefore I resolue , to speake of few of those , which our Lord hath been pleased to vouchsafe me , vnlesse I be expresly commanded ; and vnlesse it be of some few Visions , which perhaps , may ferue , to doe good , in some kind : To the end , that anie such persons , as to whome our Lord may be pleased to impart the like , may not wonder , and thinke it impossible , as I did ; or els , that so , I may declare the manner , and way , by which it hath pleased our Lord , to conduct my Soule ; that being the verie thing , which they haue commanded me to write . Returning therefore now , to this manner of vnderstanding these kinds of things ; me thinkes , our Lord is pleased , that , by all meanes , this Soule of ours , should haue some notice heer , euen of that , which passes in Heauen ; and that , as Soules doe there vnderstand one another , really , without speaking , ( which , for my part , I neuer knew before , ( and this is most certainly true ) till our Lord , through his goodnes , made me see it , and shewed it me , in a certaine Rapt of mine ) So also should it be heer , in this world ; and that so , Almightie God , and the Soule , might be able to vnderstand one another ; and that , vpon this sole cause , and reason , in regard that his Diuine Maiestie is pleased , that they shall doe so , without anie other artifice , or meanes ; that so , the mutuall loue , which these two deare freinds carrie to one another , may be giuen by them , to be mutually vnderstood . Iust so , as in this world , when two persons loue one another very dearly , and be endued with a good vnderstanding , and witt , they seem able to vnderstand themselues together ; euen without , so much as signes ; and by only , looking well , vpon one another . Thus ought it to be , in our case , since , ( without our knowing expresly , how ) these two Louers looke earnestly , vpon one another , in the face ; as the Spouse saith to his Beloued , in the Canticles ; for so , I thinke , I haue heard , that it is expressed there . O admirable benignitie of thee , O Lord , who permittest thy self , to be looked vpon , by those eyes , which haue abused their sight , so much , as these of my Soule , haue done ! At least , O my deare Lord , let them now , be accustomed ( after this sight of thee ) to looke no more , vpon anie inferiour , and base Obiects ; nor let anie thing be able , to please them , out of thee . O great ingratitude of mortall Creatures ! how farre , wilt thou be able , to atiue ? For now I know , euen by experience , that this is litterally true , which I am saying , That , whatsoeuer is possibly able to be expressed by me , is no more , then the verie least part of that Fauour , which thou impartest to anie such Soule , as thou vouchsafest to bring to such a State , as this . O Soules , which haue begunne to vse Prayer ; and you , who haue really Faith , and firme Beleif ; what blessings , and benefits are you possibly able to seeke , and get , which may , anie way , be compared , euen to the least of those , which are obtained , by the Seruants of Almightie God , euen in this mortall life of ours ? And consider , ( for it is most certainly true ) that Almightie God imparts himself thus , euen heer , to such , * as forsake all things , for loue of him . For , he is no accepter of persons , and he loues all men ; nor hath anie one of them anie excuse , how wicked soeuer he may haue been ; since our Lord hath proceeded , after this manner , euen with me ; and aduanced me to such a condition , as you see . Consider also , that this , which I am saying now , is not so much as a little Cipher of that , which were to be sayd ; but , only so much is heer deliuered , as is necessarie , for the giuing this manner of Vision , and Fauour ; which Almightie God , is pleased to doe to a Soule , to be , in some sort , vnderstood . But now , it is in no power of mine , to declare that , which she findes , and feeles , when our Lord is pleased , to impart those secrets , and greatnesses of his ; togeather with that delight , which is so highly superiour to all those others , which can possibly be imparted by this world ; and that they doe , with a mightie deale of reason , make them , who possesse the same , euen abhorre all the pleasures of the earth ; which , when they be all , clapt togeather , are no better , then meer dung , and durt ; nay it is , after a sort , euen to giue one a Vomit , to bring these , into anie comparison at all , with those others ; euen though they should be able to last for euer . And yet , of these Celestiall ioyes , what kind of poore proportion of them , is that , which he is pleased , to impart , in this world ? No more , then , as it were , one slight , single drop of water , of that huge full , flowing Riuer , which is prepared for vs , in Heauen . It is a verie shame , & scorne ; ( and really I employ it all against my self ; ( and if it were possible , for Soules to be affronted , euen in Heauen , I should haue cause to find my self ashamed when I were there , more then anie Creature ) to thinke that we should expect , to enioy . * so great benedictions , and delights , and glorie , as is to be infinit in that next Life , and all , at the onlie cost , of our deare Lord IESVS . And shall we not weep , perhaps , at least , with the Daughters of Ierusalem , since we will hot helpe him to carrie the Crosse , as Simon Cyreneus did ? Or can we euer thinke of coming to enioy that , by the way , and meanes of pleasures , and passe-times , which he vouchsafed to get , and gaine for vs , vpon the price of his owne most pretious Bloud ? This is absolutly impossible . And can we thinke , by our aspiring to vaine Honour , that we may be able to remedie , and redresse that huge contempt , and scorne , which he endured for vs ? There is no manner of sense , in anie such cōceipt . No , no ; the course is vtterly mistaken ; and we shall neuer be able to ariue , at that iourneys end , by anie such erroneous way , as this . Your Reuerence must cry-out alowd , to make these truths be heard , and beleiued , by the world . And since it hath pleased Almightie God , to take this power , and libertie , from me , I would alwaies be crying them out , to my self ; but both he heard me , and I came also to vnderstand him , so very late , as may be seen , by what I haue written heer ; and it is no lesse , then matter of extreame confusion to me , to speake of it ; and therefore I will now hold my peace ; and , for the present , will only say that , which I haue been considering sometimes ; which is , that I humbly beseech Almightie God , to bring me once , to such tearmes , as that I may enioy this immense Good. O what an accidentall glorie , and gust , will it be , for the Blessed Saints of Heauen , who enioy this felicitie , when they shall find , that , although it were late , yet at length , they left nothing vnperformed , which it was possible for them to doe , for the loue of Almightie God ? Nor did they faile , to present him , with the verie vttermost of whatsoeuer they could offer , in all kindes , according to the power , which they had , and to the condition , wherein they were placed ; he giuing them still more , who had more . How rich will he then , find himself to be , who left all the riches he had , for Christ our Lord ? How full of honour , who reiected all honour ; and tooke no pleasure , in anie other thing , then to find himself abased , and despised , for the loue of him . How wise will he see himself then , who reioyced to see the world , hold him for a foole ; since they called Wisdome it self , by that name ? But how few of such , as these , are there now , in the world , by reason of our great Sinnes ? Alas , it seemes , that all they , are spent , and gone , long agoe , whome the world was wont to esteē for madd fooles , when they saw them performe those heroicall acts , of true Louers of Christ our Lord. O world ! O world ! How dost thou goe gaining Honour , by procuring , that few may haue the witt , to vnderstand thee right ? But now , to what a passe are we come , since some will needs conceiue , that God is the * better serued by them , when they get themselues to be held , for discreet , and wise ? yea this indeed , must needs be so , as now we are growne to vnderstand the word , Discretion . For , now , we will needs make our selues beleiue , that it is matter , forsooth , of small edification , not to goe , vp , and downe the world , with great authoritie , and composition of cloathing , and dressing ; euerie one , according to his condition . Nay euen to the Fryer , and Preist , and Nunne , some are now growne to be of opinion , that , to weare anie thing , which is old , or peiced , were a kind of noueltie , and a giuing scandall to the weake ; and so it is also now , if they liue with much recollection , and vse Mentall Prayer . To such a passe , the world is growne . But the studie , and practise of Christian Perfection , & the great impulses , which the Saints were wōt to haue , for the obtaining thereof , is the thing , which , I beleiue , doth more harme to the miserable , & wretched actions , which are cōmitted by euill men , in these times , then it could possibly be of scandall , to anie Creature , that such , as are Religious , should publish that , to the world , by their workes , of which they talke by their words ; to the end , that so , Mankinde might grow to hold this world , in meane accoūt . For , out of such kindes of scandall , as these , our Lord would draw great seruice , for himself , & good , for them . And if some men would needs be scandalized at it , others would yet haue remorse ; & at least , we should remaine with some little designe , or draught of that , which Christ our Lord , & his Apostles , endured for vs , since we haue now , more need of it , then euer . But O , what an excellent example , did Almightie God take lately from vs , in the person of that Blessed man , Fray * Pedro de Alcantara ? The world was now no longer able , euen to endure such a Perfection , as his ; for now , forsooth , they say , that the health of men , is growne weaker ; and that now , we doe not liue in those former times . But that holie man , liued in this time , and yet , he had as full , and great Spirit towards Almightie God , as men had in the dayes of old ; and so , he trode the world downe , vnder his feet . And though euerie bodie doe not goe bare-foot , nor performe so sharp , and strict pennance , as he , yet are there manie other wayes , as I haue sayd before , whereby a man may treade the world , vnder his feet ; and our Lord , will teach vs these wayes , when he findes , that a man's minde is fitt , and well-prepared for them . And how great an one , did Almightie God bestow vpon this Saint , of whome now I speake ; to goe , through seauen and fourtie yeares of his life , with so sharp , and rigourous pennance , as is generally knowne ? And I will say some little thing of it , because I know , that it is all , most certainly true . He told me a certaine particular , and so he also did an other , from whome he was as little curious to conceale himself , as from me ; but as for me , the only reason , why he did it , was the loue he bore me ; because our Lord , would haue it so ; to the end , that he might help me , and encourage me also , in a certaine time , of so great necessitie , as I haue related . And now I will declare , how , to the best of my remembrance , he said , that he had slept , but one hower and a half , in the foure and twentie howers , of day , and night , for two and fourtie yeares togeather ; and that it was the greatest mortification , and trouble of pennance , that he had felt , in those beginnings , to ouercome himself , in point of sleep ; and that , in order also to this end , he was alwaies , at other times , either standing vpon his feet , or els kneeling ; and that only , when he slept , he satt ; and that with his head , leaning aside , vpon a certaine little peice of wood , which was fastned for that purpose , in the wall . To extend his bodie at length , in his Cell , was not possible for him , though he should haue a minde to it ; for it is knowne , to haue had but foure foot , and a half , in length . In all these two and fourtie yeares , he neuer put on his Capouch , or Hood , how hot soeuer the Sunne , or how great soeuer the rayne might be ; nor did he euer weare anie thing vpon his feet ; nor was his bodie clad , but only with a Habit of thick , course Sackcloath , without anie other thing at all , vpon him ; and this was so very straight , as that he might be only able , to put it on , with a little short Mantle of the same , vpon it . He told me , that , when the weather was extreamly cold , he was wont to put off his sayd Mantle , and to leaue also , the doore , and the little window of his Cell , open ; that so , when afterward , he put the Mantle on againe , and shut his doore , he might giue his bodie , so much contentment by it , as that it might be quieted , without more cloathing . It was a very ordinarie thing with him , not to eat , till the third day , after he had eaten last ; and he told me ( by way of answer , to the wonder , in which I was at it , ) that this , was a thing very possible , for one , who would accustome himself to it . And a certaine Companion of his , also told me , that it hapned for him sometimes , not to eat anie thing at all , in eight dayes ; but that , perhaps , might happen , when he was in Prayer ; for , he vsed to haue great Rapts , and vehement impulses , or impetuosities of the loue of Almightie God ; whereof my self was once an eye-witnes . His pouertie , was extreame ; and so also was his Mortification , euen from his youth . For he told me , that , in his time , it had hapned to him , to liue three yeares , in some one House of his owne Order , and yet , not to know anie one of the Religious , of the same House , but only by their speech ; for he neuer lifted-vp his eyes ; and so , whensoeuer he was to goe , of necessitie , to anie place , either in the streets , or vpon high-wayes , he could , by no meanes , tell , how to doe it , but by following the other Religious . As for woemen , he neuer looked vpon anie of them , for the space of manie yeares ; and told me , that it was iust all one with him , to see anie bodie , or not to see them . When I came at length , to know him , he was very old ; and his weaknes , and leanenes so extreame , that he seemed , not to be composed , & made , but as euen of the verie rootes of trees . With all this sanctitie of his , he was very affable , though yet he were wont to expresse himselfe , in very few words , vnlesse it were by occasion of some questions , which might be asked him ; and in that case , he was excellent companie , for he had a very choice Vnderstanding . I could haue a minde , to say very much more of him , if I feared not , that your Reuerence would aske me , why I put my self vpon this kind of discourse ; yea and I haue not written euen this little , without some feare . And therefore I say no more , but only , that he dyed , as he liued , in preaching , and admonishing the Religious of his Order . And when he saw , that he was euen come to an end , he sayd the Psalme of : Laetatus sum in his , quae dicta sunt mihi : in domum Domini ibimus ; I haue reioyced in that , vvhich they haue sayd to me : vve vvill goe into the house of our Lord ; and so , stooping dowe , and kneeling , he dyed . After this , our Lord hath been pleased to let me enioy more of him now , then I did , when he was aliue ; for , he giues me counsaile , in diuerse occasions ; and I haue seen him manie times , in extreame glorie . The first time , that he appeared to me , he sayd : O hovv happie pennance vvas that , vvhich hath obtained so high a revvard ! with manie other things of that nature . A yeare before he dyed , he appeared to me , when we were absent , from one another ; and it was declared to me , that he should dye ; and I aduertised him thereof , whilst he was distant some leagues , from me . At the instant , when he expired afterward , he also appeared to me , and told me , that he was then going to rest . I did not beleiue the thing ; but yet I related it to some ; and within eight dayes after , the newes came to vs , that he was dead ; or rather , to speake more properly , that he had then , begunne to liue for euer . And heer , behold , how the seuere Pennance of his life , was finished in so large a proportion of glorie , that me thinkes , he is of more comfort to me now , then when he was heer . Our Lord told me once , that men should not aske anie thing , in his name , wherein he would not heare them ; and my self haue recommended manie to him , to the end , that he might begg them of our Lord ; and I haue found them granted . Let the same Lord be Blessed for euer ; Amen . But what a talking haue I kept heer , that so I might stirre your Reuerence vp , not to make the least account at all , of anie thing , in this world , as if you knew not this , already ? or , as if you were not resolued to leaue it all ? or rather , as if you had not already put all this , in execution ? But I see such a deale of perdition in the world , that howsoeuer my saying it , serues for nothing , but only to wearie me , by writing it , yet withall it is a kind of vnwearying , and ease for me , to doe it ; and so , all that , which I am saying , proues to be against my self . Our Blessed Lord forgiue me , whereinsoeuer I may haue offended , concerning this particular ; and I beseech your Reuerence also , to pardon me , for incommodating you , to little purpose ; but it seemes , that I will needs make you doe Pennance , for that , wherein my self commit the Sinne. THE EIGHT AND TWENTIETH CHAPTER . She treats of the great Fauours , vvhich our Lord did her ; and hovv he appeared to her , the first time . She declares , that it vvas a Vision , vvhich shevved it self by vvay of the Imagination ; and discouers , the great effects , and testimonies , vvhich such things leaue in the Soule , vvhen they are of Almightie God. This Chapter is of great instruction , and deserues to be noted , much . BVt now , to returne to our purpose , I had that kind of Vision aforesayd , for some few dayes , after a kind of continuall manner ; and it was so vsefull to me , that I neuer went then , out of Prayer ; and besides , whatsoeuer I then hapned to doe , I procured it might be in such sort , as that it should not displease him , whome I euidently saw to be there , as a witnes of all that , which passed . And though it be very true , that sometimes , I had some feare , through the multitude of those things , which they would be saying to me , yet that trouble would not vse to last long ; because I was well assured , and satisfyed , by our Lord himself . Being one day in Prayer , it pleased our Blessed Lord , to shew me his Hands , and nothing but his Hands ; and they had such an excesse , and heigth of beautie in them , as I am not able , by anie meanes , to expresse . But this , struck me into a very great feare ; as , indeed , euerie noueltie is wont to bring me , in the beginnings of anie Supernaturall Fauour , which our Lord is pleased to doe me . Within few dayes after this , I saw also his Diuine Face ; which did totally , me thinkes , leaue me absorpt . For my part , I could not vnderstand , why our Blessed Lord shewed himself to me so , by little and little ; since afterwards , he resolued to doe me the Fauour , that I might see him , all ; till I came to vnderstand , that our Lord went guiding , and conducting me , according to my naturall weaknes . And let him be eternally Blessed for it ; since so great , and high Glorie , as that , all togeather , encountring with a Subiect , which was so base , and wicked , as my self , would neuer haue been endured ; and thus our Blessed , and Mercifull Lord , went so disposing of things , as I haue heer expressed . Your Reuerence will , perhaps , imagine , that there was no need of much courage , and strength of mind , for the beholding of a Face , and Hands , which were so beautifull . But yet it is to be vnderstood , that such Bodies , as are * glorifyed , haue so very great a heigth of beautie , that the glorie , which they bring , to behold a thing so delightfull , and Supernaturall , doth euen , as it were , exceed our capacitie ; and so , consequently , I grew to be all , in much disorder , and trouble ; though yet afterwards , I remained with certaintie , and securitie , and such other effects , as that all feare did quickly vanish . Vpon a certaine day of S. Paul , whilst I was hearing Masse , the whole Humanitie of Christ our Lord , was represented to me , as it vses to be painted , after the Resurrection ; but with so great Beautie , and Maiestie , as I wrote once to your Reuerence , when you commanded me so expresly to doe it ; and I remember , that I was troubled enough , at it . For , in fine , those things cannot be done , without a bodie 's euen annihilating her selfe , who doth them ; but yet howsoeuer , I did , what you commanded me , the best I could ; and therefore I need not take care , to repeate it , so parparticularly , now . Only I will declare thus much , that , if there were no other thing , euen in Heauen , to giue delight , and gust , to our sight , but only the excessiue beautie of Glorifyed Bodies , that felicity would be euen immense ; but especially , to behold that most Sacred Humanitie of Iesus Christ our Lord , must be matter of incomparable Glorie . For , since the Maiestie thereof , is discouered to be so great , whensoeuer it is represented to vs heer , according to that proportion , where of our miserie , in this mortall life of ours , is capable ; what , doe we thinke it will then occurr to be , when we shall so very entirely be admitted , to enjoy so high a Good. This Vision , though it be Imaginarie , ( or representing it self , by way of Mentall Image , to the Imagination ) was neuer seen by me , by these eyes of my Bodie ; nor indeed , was anie other Vision , that I euer had , but only , by the eyes of my Minde . And they , who know these things , better then I , affirme , that the former Vision , is of a higher , & more perfect kind , then this ; and this also much more , then those others , which are seen , by these eyes , of Flesh , and Bloud . For , these latter , they say , are of the lowest * kind of all , and wherein the Diuel is able to induce & impose most Illusions ; though yet then , I could not vnderstand any such matter ; but rather desired , that , when I was to receiue anie Fauour of that kind , it might be so , as that I might see it , with my corporeall eyes ; to the end , that my Ghostlie Father , might no longer tell me , that I did but fancie such things . And so it hapned also to my self , as soone as it was past ( but it was euen , as it were , but at the verie instant ) that euen my self also conceiued , that I did but fancie it indeed ; and so I was a little troubled sometimes , for haueing told my Ghostlie Father , as I did ; as doubting , whether I had not deceiued him . And now , this was the occasion of another lamentation of mine ; and so I went to him againe , and told him of it . Vpon this , he asked me , whether indeed , I had thought so , before ; and whether I had anie purpose to deceiue him . As for me , I told him , what I held to be the truth ; I , who ( forasmuch as I am able to vnderstand of my self ) had no minde at all , to lye ; nor intended anie such matter , as that ; nor would I , for the whole world , haue told him anie one thing , for another . Now this , did he know very well ; and so he did his best , to quiet me . But I had so great auersion from going to giue him trouble with these things , that I know not , how the Diuel could make me , for my greater torment , conceiue , that I had feigned , in what I had sayd . But our Lord made such hast to doe me a Fauour , and to vnfold this truth to me , that I grew quickly , to be out of all doubt , whether it were a thing of fancie , or no ; and since that time , I see my follie very clearly . For though I should employ manie yeares , in conceiuing , how I might be able , to figure a thing of so extreame beautie , I should neuer haue either the power , or the witt , to doe it ; for , it did farre exceed all that , which can possibly be imagined in this world , by the verie clearnes , and brightnes thereof . Nor yet is it anie such brightnes , as dazles ; but a brightnes , which is accompanied , with a most sweet kind of beautie ; a brightnes , I say , there is infused , which giues extreame delight to the sight , and which is farre from wearying it ; nor doth the light thereof , also offend , whereby we see this obiect of so Diuine Beautie . This , I say , is a light , so very different from all that , of this inferiour world , that euen the brightnes of the Sunne it self , which we see , is so dimme , and dull a thing , in comparison of that claritie , and light , which is represented to our sight , by this meanes , that euen the eyes would searce open themselues , to behold it . For it is , as if it were a most pure water , running all vpon Christall , with the Sunne reflecting vpon it , and striking through it ; in comparison of some other , which were of a muddie kind , and in a clowdie day ; and which were running also vpon earth . Not yet , that there is anie Sunne represented in it ; nor is that Light , like the Light of the Sunne ; for , in fine , this Light of the Vision , seemes a very naturall Light ; whereas the other is but a kind of artificiall thing , in comparison thereof . This is a Light , which neuer sets ; but as it is euer Light , so is there nothing , which can disturbe it ; but in fine , it is a thing of such a kind , as that , how sublime soeuer the vnderstanding of anie Creature might be , he would neuer , in all the dayes of his life , be able to conceiue rightly , what kind of thing it were . And it pleases Almightie God , to set it before vs , so very speedily , that we cannot open our eyes so soone , if that were needfull for the seeing it ; but it helpes vs indeed , no more , in this case , to haue them open , then shut . For , whensoeuer our Lord is pleased , we see it , euen whether we will , or no. Not is there anie distraction in the world , which may be able , to diuert vs from it ; nor is there anie power , which can resist it ; nor is there also , on the other side , anie manner of care , and diligence , which may suffice to procure it ; and I haue had good experience of this , as I shall find a fitt time to declare . But that , which I would faine relate now , is the manner , how our Blessed Lord is pleased to shew himself , by these Visions . I say not , that I will declare , in what sort , this so strong a light may be able to conuey it self , into the inward sense , and to imprint so exact , and cleare an Image , vpon the Vnderstanding , as to make it directly seem , to be very there ; for , this point belongs to such , as are learned ; and our Lord hath not been pleased , to giue me to comprehend the manner of it ; and , in myself , I am so very ignorant , and of so grosse an Vnderstanding , that , howsoeuer men haue endeauoured much , to declare it to me , I haue not yet , been able to conceaue the way , and manner of it . And this is very certaine , that , howsoeuer it may seem to your Reuerence , that my Vnderstanding is liuelie , and quick , yet there is really no such thing ; and I haue found , what I am about to say , to be true , by the experience of manie particulars ; that , namely , it embraces , and comprehends no more ; then iust that verie thing , vpon which they will haue it feed . Yea and sometimes , he , who was my Confessarius , would be euen amazed , at my ignorances , in manie kinds ; and he neuer made me vnderstand . nor did I , indeed , desire to know , how Almightie God did this ; or how this could be ; nor did I aske him about it . Though yet , as I haue sayd , I treated manie yeares , with men of great learning , to know , whether this , or that , were a Sinne , or no ; for in this , I was not wanting ; but as for the rest , I then had no need , to stand thinking of more , then that Almightie God was the Authour of all ; and I saw , that I was now , not to wonder at aniething , but only to consider , how manie reasons I had , to praise him . Nay , the things , which carried difficultie with them , did breed deuotion , in me ; and the more difficultie , the more deuotion . But I will therefore now , declare that , which I am come to vnderstand , by experience ; namely , how our Blessed Lord doth this ; and your Reuerence will expresse it better , and will vnfold all that , which you may find obscure , and I , not know , how to deliuer . It seemed to me , indeed , in some respects , that it was an Image , or distinct representation , which I saw ; but , in manie other ; no ; but rather , that it was Christ our Lord himself ; considering the excessiue kind of claritie , wherewith he vouchsafed , to impart himself to me . And yet sometimes , it was after so vndistinct a manner ; that me thought , it was a Representation , or Image ; but yet still , not like those designes , and draughts , or Pictures of things , which are made heer , how perfect soeuer they may be ; for I haue seen , both very manie , and very good ones , of this kind . But it is a very great impertinencie , to conceiue , that anie one of them , comes home , to the life ; but , how well soeuer they be drawne , they will neuer yet ariue to reach the Naturall in all respects ; for , in fine , the one is aliue , and the other , is dead But , let vs lay this aside , though yet the relation of one , to the other , hold very well . And still I say not , that I frame a Comparison , between Christ our Lord himself , and that , which I sayd I saw ; for , Comparisons neuer agree so perfectly , and entirely , as these two things did . But the truth is , that there is the same difference , in what I saw , from anie Image , which there is between a thing , that liues , and a thing , which is painted . And if you will needs haue this , to haue been an Image , I am sure , it was a liuing Image , and not a dead man , but Christ aliue ; and it giues me also to vnderstand , that he is both God , & Man ; and that , not so as he was layd in the Sepulcher , but as he was afterwards , in the Resurrection . And sometimes , he comes with such an immense kind of Maiestie , that no Creature can be able to doubt , but that it is our verie Lord himself ; and especially , after my receauing the Blessed Sacrament ; for , then we know well , that he is there , since we vnderstand it by Faith ; and this seemes , to be the same Lord , with that . An he shewes himself then , for so true , and entire a Lord , of that little house , that the whole Soule , sees her self , to be euen dissolued , consumed , and annihilated , in Christ our Lord. Deare IESVS ! and how should one be able , to giue the heigth of that Maiestie , to be vnderstood , wherewith thou comest to shew thy self , in these occasions ? and how absolutly doth the Soule resolue , that thou art the Lord of the whole world , and of the Heauens ; and of a thousand worlds ; and of innumerable Heauens , and worlds , which thou caust create ; considering that high Maiestie , with which thou representest thy self , to her ? For then she knowes , that all this world is iust nothing , in respect of that , whereof thou deseruest to haue dominion . Heer , O my IESVS , doth the Soule see very clearly , that it is but a beggarlie kind of power , which the Diuels haue , in comparison of thine ; and how he , who is so happie , as to please thee , may tread all the power of Hell , vnder his feet . Heer the Soule findes the reason , which the Diuels had , to tremble , when thou didst descend to Limbus Patrum ; and how they would haue wished , to haue been rather , in thousands of other , and lower Hells , then to haue endured the sight of so high a Maiestie , as thine . But I perceiue , that thou art heer , disposed , to let our Soules see , how potent thou art ; and how great , the power of thy most Sacred Humanitie is , when it is accompanied by thy Diuinitie . * Heer is it well represented , what kind of thing , the Day of Iudgement will be , where we shall see the mightie Maiestie of this King ; and behold his great rigour , towards the wicked . Heer , is true Humilitie layd vp , and left in the Soule , by seeing her owne miserie , whereof now she can be ignorant no longer . Heer , that confusion , and true repentance for Sinne ; where , euen when she is seeing , how greatly our Lord shewes her his loue , yet knowes she not , where to dispose of her self , but is , as it were , euen annihilated , outright . I say , this kind of Vision , is of so excessiue power , and strength , when our Lord is pleased to shew a Soule so eminent a portion of his Maiestie , and greatnes , by it , that I hold it for an impossible thing , ( vnlesse our Lord should be pleased to assist her , by making her remaine in Rapt , and Extasis , and so to loose the Vision of that Diuine presence , by the act of enioying ) that anie mortall Creature , should be able to endure it , at the present ; though yet afterward , it is no impossible thing , to forget it . And yet , still , this can not be wholy forgotten ; in regard , that that Maiestie , and Beautie , is so very deeply imprinted there ; but only , when our Lord is pleased , that the Soule shall suffer some such great kind of drynes , and solitude , as I will declare afterward ; for then it seemes , that euen one forgets Almightie God himself . But howsoeuer , the Soule is growne now to be clearly , another kind of thing , then what she was before ; and is alwaies , as it were , euen steeped , and bathed , in Almightie God ; and there seemes , in my opinion , to be a new , and more liuelie kind of Loue , communicated to her , in a very high degree . For , though that kind of Vision aforesayd ( which I declared , to represent Almightie God , without anie Image ) be a thing more sublime , and high , in it self , yet , for the making it continue long , in our memorie , and to entertaine , and keep our thoughts well employed , so great is the weaknes of our condition , that it makes very much to our purpose , when so Diuine a Presence , as that , of our Blessed Lord , is represented , and lodged , in the Imaginatiue part of our Minde . And therefore , these two kinds of Visions , are wont to come alwaies , togeather . And indeed , it is thus , that they come . For , the excellencie , and beautie , and glorie , of the most Holie Humanitie of Christ our Lord , is beheld , with the eyes of the Soule . And by that other way , which is now declared , we grow to be giuen to vnderstand , that he is God ; and powerfull ; yea and omnipotent ; and that he commands , and gouernes all things ; and that his loue , doth euen replenish them all . This kind of Vision , is to be valued , at a very high rate ; and it is also , in my opinion , without danger ; for , in fine , it is discerned by the effects , that the Diuel hath no power at all , heerin . And yet it is true , that three , or foure seuerall times , he hath had a minde , to represent our Lord himself to me , after this manner ; that is to say , by way of such a false kind of representation . For , he takes the forme of Flesh ; but it comes not within the compasse of his power , to counterfeit it , with anie such kind of glorie , as when it is indeed of Almightie God. The Diuel is wont to make certaine representations , for the destroying of some true Vision , which the Soule hath seen ; but so also doth she her best , to resist the vexations , which he giues her ; though then , she be so disquieted , and disordered , euen by this verie diligence , that she looses that deuotion , and gust , which she had before ; and remaines also , without anie Prayer at all . This hapned to me , three , or foure times , in the beginning , as I was saying . But this , of the false Vision , is so very different a kind of thing , from the other , that , whosoeuer hath ariued to the onlie Prayer of Quiet , will , I beleiue , vnderstand this busines , by the verie effects , which haue been spoken of , in that Discourse , which concernes those VVords , or Speeches , which sometimes are imparted to , and imprinted in , the Soule . And I hold this assertion to be a most certaine thing ; and vnlesse a Soule should haue , euen a kind of minde , to be abused , and deceiued , I beleiue , the Diuel will not be able to doe it , if she walke with humilitie , and simplicitie ; that is ; with sinceritie of minde . Whosoeuer , I say , hath receiued anie true Vision from Almightie God , will instantly perceiue , and iudge * of another , which is contrarie , and false ; for , though anie such false one , may beginne , to giue a kind of Regalo , and gust , yet the Soule will shake that off ; and besides , in my opinion , the gust will be , euen different , in it self ; and , not carrying so much , as an apparance of a Loue , which is pure , and chast , it growes to be soone discouered , from whence it comes . So that , wheresoeuer there is anie experience , the Diuel will not be able , to doe anie Soule hurt , in this kind . But now , that all this kind of Vision , should be be but a meer Imagination , or conceipt , is clearly , and entirely , an impossible thing ; and hath no colour at all . For , the high beautie , and fairenes , of one onlie hand , doth absolutly outstripp all Imagination . And besides , without our euer haueing thought of anie such obiect , or reflecting vpon anie one of this kind , to see such things present , and all at an instant , which could neuer haue been so fitted , and adiusted , by the Imagination of man ( in regard , that it is so mightily of a superiour kind , as I haue sayd , from that , which we are able to comprehend in this world ) it must also be impossible , for the aforesayd reason . And yet , though we could doe somewhat of this kind ( not withstanding all that , which is sayd ) it would yet , not be possibly done , vpon this other reason , which I will now declare . For , if we should represent anie such thing , in the strength of our owne Vnderstanding ( besides , that it would not haue anie such great operation , as this true Vision hath ; nor indeed would it , in effect , haue anie at all ) it would be at the most , but as one , who would very faine grow to sleep ; whereas yet , he should , indeed , be awake ; because he cannot yet fall asleep . But if he desire to sleep , and haue need of it , and withall , haue anie infirmitie , or weaknes , in his head , which forbidds it , he yet procures , of himselfe , to get into a slumber , and vses all his diligences , in order to that end ; and sometimes , he euen half thinkes , that he doth somewhat . But still , if , in verie deed , it be not true , and reall sleep , it will not sustaine him , nor giue strength to his Head ; Nay rather , it will , sometimes , fall out to be so much the more idle . And iust so , is it also partly , in this case ; for then , will the Soule grow emptie , and idle , and not be sustained , and strong , but rather disordered , and disgusted ; whereas , in the other former case of ours , it is past anie power of mine , to declare , what treasures are acquired ; when not only the Soule is enriched , but euen the Bodie also it self , gets temper , and health . Now , this reason , with others , did I alleadge , when they told me , sometimes , that those things were of the Diuel ; and , at other times , that I did but fancie them to my self . And this hapned often to me , and I would also , be bringing certaine Comparisons , the best I could ; and our Lord made me light vpon them ; but yet all serued me still , to little purpose ; for , there being very holie persons , in that place , and I being euen miserie it self , in comparison of them , and our Lord not guiding them , by this way , they would instantly be growing into feare , that my sinnes , in all apparance , were the meanes , to produce those effects ; and so , it went , vp , and downe , from one to another , in such sort , as that they came to be acquainted , with these secrets of mine ; though , for my part , I discouered them to no Creature , but only to my Ghostlie Father ; or to such , as he directed me , to impart them . But I remember , I sayd to them once , that if they , who told me these things , had related to me , that some person , with whome I had been much acquainted , and with whome I had spoken but very then , had not yet , been that person indeed , but that I had only fancyed it to my self , and that they knew it for certaine ; I should without all doubt , haue much more easily beleiued them , then euen the verie thing , which I saw . But * yet now , on the other side , if that person had left certaine Iewells with me , and that they remained still , in my hands , as pawnes of the great loue he bore me , and that formerly I had been the owner of no such Iewells , whereas now I saw , I was rich , who before , had been so poore , I should then , not be able to beleiue them , euen though I desired it , especially , when I could shew these Iewells of mine , to others . For euerie bodie knew me well enough , and they saw clearly , that my Soule , was growne to be another kind of thing , then before ; and so I told mine owne Ghostlie Father . For , the difference was come to be great , in manie kinds , and not in anie doubtfull , or disguiseable manner ; but so , as that all Creatures might discerne it clearly . And I remember , also , that I was wont to say , that I could not tell , how to beleiue , that the Diuel would doe this , to deceiue me ; and how , since he would be glad to carrie me away with him to Hell , he could serue himself of this meanes , which was so very contrarie to his owne end ; Namely , to roote-out Vice , and to plant Vertue , and strength of Spirit , in place thereof ; for I found , and that very clearly , that I grew , once , at an instant , to be wholy another Creature , then I was before . My Ghostlie Father , as I was saying , was a Father of the Societie of IESVS , and a very holie man ; and he also made the same answer to others , as I came to vnderstand afterward . He was a person of much discretion , and of great humilitie ; but yet , that humilitie of his , grew to cost me a great deale of trouble . For , though he were a man of much learning , and besides , of great Prayer , yet put he * no trust at all , in himself ; and , our Lord not guiding his Soule by this way , he was subiect to much trouble with me , in seueral kinds . And afterward I came to know , that they wished him to take heed of me , and to be carefull , least the Diuel should deceiue him , by making him beleiue anie part of that , which I should tell him ; and to this purpose , they would be alleadging the examples of some others , to him . All this gaue me vexation enough ; and , by degrees , I came so farre , as to feare , that I should grow scarce able , to find anie bodie , who would heare my Confessions ; but that euerie one would be flying from me , in this kind . So that , for my part , I did nothing but weepe ; and it was the prouidence of Almightie God , that this Father , would yet still continue to heare me . But indeed , he was so great a Seruant of our Lord , that there was nothing which he would ; or suffer , or his sake ; and so he would still be aduising me , to be sure , not to offend Almightie God ; nor to swarue from the directions , which he gaue me ; and that I should not feare , that he would faile me ; and still he would also be animating , and quieting me ; and euer he would , in particular , command me , that I should conceale nothing from him ; which I alwayes obserued ; and I doing thus , he would alwaies tell me , that the Diuel would be able , to doe me no hurt ; but rather , that our Blessed Lord would not faile , to draw good , out of that ill , which the Diuel would be attempting , to doe my Soule . This Soule of mine , did I procure to perfect , to the vttermost of my power ; and , as for my Ghostlie Father , I did ( through the feare of Illusions , wherein I was ) obey him , in all things ; though yet , but after an imperfect manner . But he had trouble enough with me , when I confessed my self to him , in these difficult times , which lasted aboue the space of three whole yeares ; for , in the great persecutions , which I had , and in manie things , wherein our Lord permitted , that the world should make ill iudgements of me , ( and manie of them , without anie fault of mine ) I would euer be coming with them , to him ; and he was blamed , in respect of me ; whereas yet he was in no fault at all . I thinke it would haue been wholy impossible , that he should haue endured it , so long , if he had not been a man of much sanctitie ; but our Lord did animate him greatly , and enable him to endure so very much . For he was still , to make answer to all them , who held me to be a lost Soule ; but they beleiued him not ; and on the other side , he was also to take care , to quiet me , and to recouer me out of that feare , wherein I was , by frighting me , with a greater ; and besides , he was also to endeauour to satisfye me , in another respect ; in regard , that , vpon euerie Vision , which was new to me , our Lord was pleased to permit , that afterward I should be subiect , to very great feares . Now , as all this proceeded , both from my being , and haueing been , a very great Sinner : so yet would he comfort me still , with much pietye , and compassion . But yet still , if he had confided as much in himself , as he might well haue done , I had not suffered so much . For , our Lord gaue him to vnderstand the truth , in all things ; and I am perswaded , that the verie Sacrament of Pennance , which I frequented with him , gaue him light . Those other Seruants of Almightie God , who could not make themselues sure of my well-doing , were wont to be very conuersant with me . And when I would casually be speaking , now , and then , of some things , they would be vnderstanding them , after a different manner . Now * there was one of these , whome I particularly loued ; for , my Soule was infinitly obliged to him ; and he was a very holie man. For my part , I was extreamly troubled , to see , that I could not make my self be vnderstood rightly , by him , whilst he also , on the other side , did extraordinarily desire my good ; and that our Lord might once vouchsafe , to giue me light . And so , when I would be relating some things to them , without much reflection vpon what I sayd , it would seem to them , to be a signe of little humilitie , in me ; and as soone , as afterward , they discerned me , to commit anie one single fault ( whereas they might very easily haue discerned manie ) all grew instantly to be condemned by them . Sometimes , they would be asking me certaine questions ; and I would answer them , with plainenes , and without much reseruation , yea or euen reflection ; and then , forsooth , they would be thinking , that I had a minde to teach them ; and that I held my self , for some shrewd woeman ; and vpon this , would they all , goe instantly to my Ghostlie Father ; for certainly , they desired my good ; but yet then , would he grow , to chide me . And this , lasted a long time , I being afflicted manie wayes , on the one side ; and yet , being , on the other , so visited by the Fauours of out Blessed Lord , as I found my selfe to be , I was indeed very well able , to endure that other miserye . And now I relate all this , to the end , that it may the better be vnderstood , how very great a trouble it is , not to haue some such person at hand , as hath experience , in the way of Spirit . So that really , if our Blessed Lord , had not fauoured me , in such sort , as he did , I know not what would haue become of me , at length ; since there were occasions enow , to haue put me , euen out of my witts ; and sometimes , I saw my self in such tearmes , that I knew not , what to doe , but only , to lift-vp mine eyes , to our Lord. For , as the contradiction , and opposition of such , as were good , and worthie men , towards a poore , weake , and wicked woeman , like my self , and so timorous , as I also was , may , perhaps , seem , to be scarce worth the relating : so yet , I hauing passed through very manie , and great troubles , in this life of mine , I haue found this last , to haue been of the greatest . I humbly beseech our Blessed Lord , that I may haue been able , to doe his Diuine Maiestie , some little Seruice , euen in this ; for that they , who accused , and condemned me , did him Seruice in it , I am very sure ; and that it all , hath turned to my good . THE NINE AND TWENTIETH CHAPTER . She prosecutes the Discourse , vvhich she had begunne ; and relates some high Fauours , vvhich our Lord vvas pleased to doe her ; and vvhat his Diuine Maiestie did further , for the securing , and encouraging her minde , and for the enabling her , to ansvver her Contradictours . I Haue swarued very much , from my purpose ; for I pretended to declare the reassons , whereby to proue , that the thing , whereof I spoke , was not matter of Imagination ; for , how should we be able , by meanes of anie endeauour , or studie of ours , to represent the Humanitie of Christ our Lord , to our selues ; and to goe ordering , and disposing of his great beautie , for which there would be need of a large time , if we would pretend , to frame anie thing , which should be like it . Well may one represent it , to his owne Imagination ; and stand looking vpon it , for some time ; and consider his shape , and complexion ; and so goe perfecting it , by little and little ; and recommending that Image ouer to his Memorie ; for , who can take this power , from the minde ? And thus much am I able to doe , by the strength of mine owne Vnderstanding ; But in that other , whereof we were speaking , there is no meanes for this ; for we must behold that , iust then , when our Lord is pleased , to represent it to vs ; and iust also , what he will , & how he will ; Nor is there , in this case , anie meanes , either to add , or diminish anie thing , how much soeuer we may endeauour it , either towards the seeing it , or forbearing to see it , when we will. For , * whēsoeuer we shall dispose our selues , to fix our sight fast , vpon beholding anie particular thing , the sight of Christ our Lord is instantly lost . It hapned to me , two yeares , and a half , that very ordinarily , Christ our Lord was pleased to vouchsafe me this Fauour ; and it is now , more then three , since he hath depriued me of the so continuall vse of this Vision , by affording me another , of a higher kind ; as perhaps I shall declare afterward . And I finding , that he would be speaking to me ; and I , the while , beholding that extreame beautie of his , and obseruing the suauitie , with which he vttered those words , by that most Louelie , and Diuine mouth ; and sometimes also , with rigour ; whilst I , in the meane time , had a kind of extreame desire , to see the colour of those eyes , and the size , and shape , which they had ; to the end , that I might be able to relate the same , to my Ghostlie Father , I could neuer yet , obtaine to see them ; and my diligence would not serue to procure it , but the Vision was rather absolutly lost . And though * it be very true , that sometimes , I see , he lookes vpon me , with a kind of sweetnes , and compassion ; yet this spectacle is of so mightie a force , that the Soule is not able to endure it , but remaines in so high a Rapt , that , to the end she may the better enioy the whole , she wholy looses the sight of this most beautifull obiect . So that , in fine , and in order to this end , it serues to little purpose , either to will , or not to will , anie thing heer ; and it growes to be cleare enough , that our Lord lookes for nothing , in these cases , but for humilitie , and confusion of our selues ; and for a minde , to take that , which is giuen ; and to praise him , who is pleased to impart it . And it holds , in all true Visions , without exception , that a Creature can doe nothing at all , either towards the more , or the lesse ; and that all our diligences , put togeather , are neither able to doe anie thing , nor vndoe ; for , our Lord will haue vs see , very clearly , that this is no worke of ours , but only of his Diuine Maiestie ; and so , as that we are little moued , to be the prouder , by them ; but they rather make vs more timorous , and more humble ; whilst we find , that as our Lord depriues vs of a power , to see that , which we desire , so he can also , take these Fauours , yea and his grace , from vs too , in such sort , as that we may be vtterly lost . We must therefore be , alwaies , walking on , with feare , as long as we shall liue heer , in this bannishment . Our Lord hath almost euer , represented himself to me , as after his * Resurrection . He hath also done it sometimes , in the Sacred Hoast . Sometimes , for strengthning me , when I chance to be in tribulation , he shewes me his Wounds . And sometimes also he vouchsafes that I should see him iust so , as he was vpon the Crosse ; and sometimes , as in the Garden ; yea and also , some seldome times , with his Crowne of Thornes , vpon his Head ; and at other times , carrying his Crosse . Yet this , as I was saying , vses to occurr , but in the time of some necessitie , either of mine owne , or of others , but yet alwaies , as a Glorifyed Bodie . And I haue suffered affronts , and vexations enow , in declaring these things ; and haue growne subiect thereby , to great persecutions , and feares . They made themselues so very sure , that all this , was the Diuel , that there wanted not certaine persons , who wished , that I might be Exorcifed , for that purpose ; yet this gaue me very little trouble . But the thing , which I felt , in good earnest , was either , when my Ghostlie Fathers were afrayd to heare my Confessions , or els , when I came to know , that they were told tales . But yet still , vpon the whole matter , I know not how to make my self sorrie , for hauing seen these Celestiall Visions ; nor would I giue anie one of them all , for all the greatnesses , and delights , of this whole world ; for I euer held these things , to be a very great Fauour , of our Lord ; and I esteem them , to be an excessiue kind of treasure ; yea and our Lord himself hath assured me thereof , manie times . Withall , I found my self grow heerby , to loue his Diuine Maiestie very much ; and so , to him , would I euer be going to complaine , of all the troubles I had ; and I alwayes came out of Prayer , both with comfort , and addition of strength . As for them , I would not presume , to contradict them ; for I saw , it made things worse , as seeming to them , that it was want of humilitie , in me ; but I communicated them still , to my Ghostlie Father ; and whensoeuer he found me afflicted , he was carefull , that I should receaue much comfort , from him . As my Visions grew-on to encrease , one of them , who assisted me before , who was a man , that vsed to Confesse me sometimes , ( when the Sub-Rectour was not in the way , to heare me ) beganne to tell me , how it was most certaine , that it was the Diuel ; and then , they grew to * command me ( since there was no other meanes , to resist him ) that I should alwaies be Crossing , and blessing my self , when I should chance to see anie Vision ; and that I should vse some exteriour action , or signe of scorne , that so he might be sure , I held him certainly , to be the Diuel ; and that , perhaps , by this meanes , he would come no more ; but that yet , I should be afrayd of nothing , because God would keep me still , and would also take that temptation from me . Now , this was painefull enough to me ; for , considering that I could not possibly beleiue , but that it was Almightie God , this proceeding was very terrible for me to vndergoe . Nor was it also possible for me , as of my selfe , to desire , that it might be taken from me ; but yet , in fine , I performed all those acts , which they commanded ; and I besought our Blessed Lord , with much instance , to free me from it ; and I did it , with abundance of teares . I begged it also , by the prayers of S. Peter , and S. Paul ; in regard , that I hauing had the first of all my Visions , vpon the Day of their Festiuitie , our Lord himself vouchsafed to tell me , that they would so take care of me , as that I might not be deceiued . And accordingly , I haue often seen ( and that very clearly , though yet not by way of anie Imaginarie Vision , or represented person ) these two Glorious Saints , who are so much my good Patrons , standing by me , vpon my left hand ; and that , after a very euident manner . But now , this order of those others , to make signes of contempt , and scorne , whensoeuer I had that Vision of our Blessed Lord , did put me to a mightie kind of paine ; for , when I saw him present , before mine eyes , it was impossible for me to beleiue , that it was the Diuel , though they should haue torne me into a thousand peices , to make me doe it ; and therefore , it was a strange kind of Pennance , which they put vpon me . But now , to the end that I might not be so perpetually Crossing my self , I tooke a Crosse into my hands ; and this , I did , in effect , alwaies ; but , indeed , I vsed not those signes of scorne , so very often ; for , that afflicted me , too much . For I well remembred the affronts , & iniuries , which the Iewes had put vpon our Lord ; & so I humbly besought him , to pardon me , if I did the like , since I did it , by way of Obedience , to them , whome he had appointed , in his owne place ; and I prayed him , not to lay it to my charge , since they were the persons , whome himself had placed in his Church . He told me then , that I should not be troubled at it ; and , that I did well , in obeying them ; and , that he would bring them , at length , to vnderstand the truth . But when they for bad me to vse Prayer , me thought our Lord was growne angrie at it ; yea and he bad me tell them , that this was a verie tyran̄ie in them ; and he gaue me also wayes , how to make me know , that this was not a worke of the Diuel ; and I will touch vpon some one of them , afterward . When once I had the Crosse in my hand , which was at the end of my Rosarie , he tooke the same , into his ; and when he gaue it me againe , it consisted of foure great Stones , incomparably more pretious , then Diamonds ; for , there is no such thing , in this world , as that , which goes in the Supernaturall way ; and a Diamond , is but an imperfect , and counterfeit kind of Stone , in comparison of those others , whereof I speake . Now , these Stones had the Fiue Wounds of our Blessed Lord , in them , after a most curious makeing ; and he told me , that I should see him , iust so , from that time forward ; and so I did ; and now , I no longer saw the wood , whereof the Crosse was made , but only these pretious Stones ; and yet so , as that no other saw them , but my self . When * they beganne to command me , to make these tryals , or proofes , and to vse resistance to those Fauours , they grew on , to a higher encrease ; for , though I might haue a minde to diuert my self , yet I neuer was out of Prayer ; nay , me thinkes , I was in Prayer , euen whilst I slept ; for heer , all was growing-on , and growing-vp , in the loue of our Blessed Lord ; and the making also of a pittifull kind of complaints , which I vttered to him ; and my not being able to endure it ; nor was it in my power ( though I had desired it ; and least of all , when I procured it ) to giue ouer , my thinking vpon him . But yet still , I obeyed them , as well , as I could ; though yet I were able to doe little , or nothing therein . Now , our Lord did neuer free me , from obeying them ; but , howsoeuer it be true , that he commanded me , to doe as they bad me , he yet gaue me assurance otherwise , yea and instructed me also , about what I should say to them ; and the same he doth also , to this day ; and he taught me so concluding reasons , of all things , that they gaue me all sufficient assurance . And now his Diuine Maiestie hath begunne , very lately , to performe , what he had been pleased to promise me before ; as namely , to assure me yet better , that it was he ; for there grew in me , so great a loue of Almightie God , that I knew not , how it could get into my hart ; and it was of a very Supernaturall kind ; nor was it I , who procured it . I then found my self , euen as it were , to dye , through a desire , wherein I was , to see Almightie God ; nor could I come to know how I might be able , to seeke-out this kind of life , but by the way of death . There came vpon me so great impetuosities , or impulses of this loue , that , howsoeuer they were not so insupportable , not yet altogeather of so high value , as those others were , which I related before , yet knew I not , what to doe with my self ; for , nothing could now giue me satisfaction ; nor was I able , euen to containe my verie self ; but really , it was with me , as if my Soule had been directly torne out of my Bodie . O most admirable kind of artifice of our Lord ! what manner of choice , and delicate industrie , is that , which thou art pleased to vse towards this miserable Slaue of thine ? For , thou didst hide thy self from me ; and yet withall , didst euen then , presle vpon me , so very close , with thy loue , by giuing me such a delightfull , and sauourie kind of death , as that the Soule , by her good will , would neuer be deliuered , from the same . Whosoeuer hath neuer tryed , and felt , these so great impetuosities of Diuine Loue , it is impossible , that he should be able , to vnderstand them ; for , this is not a kind of restlesnes of the breast , or hart , nor anie of that kind of deuotions , which are wont sometimes , as it were , to stop the breath ; in such sort , as that the Soule is not able to containe her self ; But , this is an inferiour kind of Prayer , to that ; and heerin we are to procure , to remoue such kind of promptitudes , and vehemences , as those ; and to endeauour , to retire them sweetly , into themselues ; so to appease , and calme the Soule . For , this * is , in some sort , as when little Children cry , and sobb sometimes , so thick , as that they are euen readie to choake ; and when the Nurse giues them drinke , that excesse of their passion , and expression , beginnes to cease . And so in this case also , is Reason to take the bridle into the hand ; for perhaps , the verie naturall condition , and constitution of the person himself , may be the thing , which contributes somewhat , to this state of minde , at that time . And therefore , let consideration be vsed , for feare least all should not be perfect ; and least a very great part thereof , fall out to haue some what of the Sensuall , in it ; and let this Child be stilled , by some Regalo , or other , of Loue , which may induce it , to exercise , and expresse the loue it self , which he also beares , by a moregentle , and sweet kind of way ; and not thus , as it were , by going to cuffes . But let them goe retiring that verie loue of theirs , into the more inward part of the Minde ; and not suffer it to passe on , and out , so farre , like some Pott , * which doth first , so boile vp , and then , so boile-ouer , as that the broth , or water , is quite spent , and lost , because no discretion was vsed , in the quantitie of wood , or coales , which was put vnder it . And thus , let them procure , to appease , and slake the flame , which is fed by that vehement fire , with sweet , and gentle teares , but not with such , as are forced , or painefull , as they are wont to be , which proceed from such a vehement kind of sense , as I haue formerly expressed ; for , such are wont to be of very great inconuenience , to the Partie . My self vsed to haue such as these , in my beginnings ; and they would euer leaué my head , in such disorder , and my Spirit , in such a wearines , and weaknes , that I was not able , sometimes for a day , yea and sometimes for more dayes then one , to returne to the exercise of Prayer . So that * we are to vse great discretion , in those beginnings of ours , to the end , that all may goe on , with much sweetnes ; and that the Spirit may be taught the way of operating , and exercising it self inwardly ; and we must diligently procure , that the exteriour may be auoided , as much as we can . But now , these other impetuosities , and impulses , are of a most different kind , and condition ; for heer , it is not we , who bring-in the wood ; but ; the fire seemes to be made already , to our hands ; and instantly we are readie , to cast our selues into it , that so we may be wholy consumed . The Soule doth not heer procure , to make her self feele the wound , which growes to be made in her , by the absence of our Lord ; but they driue sometimes , a sharp Arrow into the verie liueliest part of the hart ; in such sort , as that the Soule her self , is not able to tell distinctly , either what she ayles , or euen what she desires ; only she knowes very well , that she desires , and loues our Lord ; and that the sayd Arrow seemes to be toucht , and rubbed-ouer with some bitter hearbe , or other , to make her euen hate her self , through the loue of this Lord , and to wish , with all her hart , that she might loose her verie life , for his sake . It is * not in our power to expresse , and , much lesse , to relate with aduantage , the manner , how God approaches , and ariues to such a Soule , as this ; or the excessiue paine , that he giues ; which makes her not to know , euen what to doe , with her self . But yet , this verie paine , is such a sauourie kind of thing withall , that there is no delight in this whole world , which is able to giue her more gust . For , the Soule , as I was saying , would alwaies be very glad , if she might be euer dying , of this Disease . This paine , and glorie togeather , did carrie my Vnderstanding into such such distraction , and disorder , that I knew not , how they both , could possibly consist togeather . O what a thing it is , to see a Soule so wounded ! for , it is iust in such sort , as that one may very well affirme it , to be wounded ; and that , for a most excellent cause ; for now she sees very clearly that she her self did contribute no part of the reason , why this Loue should grow ; but only it seemes , that some little Sparke fell downe vpon her , from that immense Loue of our Lord , which set her , so totally , on fire . O how often doe I remember that Verse of Dauid , whensoeuer I find my self in this case ? Quem admodum desider at ceruus ad fontes aquarum , ita desiderat anima mea ad te , Deus meus ; As the Hart desires to plunge himself , into the Springs of vvater : so doth my Soule desire thee , O my God. For really ; me thinkes , that this is euen litterally fulfilled then , vpon my self . Whensoeuer this comes not vpon me , with great violence , me thinkes , I can a little appease my Soule ; and at least , she is prouing to find some remedie . For , as for the performing of certaine Pennances , she findes not almost , in that case , for what they serue ; for , they all are felt by her no more , nor puts it her to anie more paine , to shed her bloud , then it would , if she were directly dead . But , in that case , she is in earnest search , after the finding-out some new wayes , or meanes , how she may be able , to suffer much , for the loue of our Lord ; but , so great is that other former * greif of minde , that I know not what Corporall torment can possibly be able to drowne it ; for , the remedie thereof consists not , in such things , as these , since these medecines , are of too inferiour a kind , for the perfect cure of so deeply-rooted a Disease . We receaue , indeed , some little ease ; and the affliction passes away , to some small proportion , by this meanes , and by begging also the remedie of her miserie , at the hands of our Blessed Lord ; though yet , for her part , she knowes not , how to find anie at all , but only , in death ; for , by that meanes , she hopes , entirely to enioy her Soueraigne Good. At other times , this paine falls vpon a Soule , so feircely , that neither this , nor anie thing els , can be done ; for it peirces the whole bodie , through , and through ; and neither can the hands , or feet be stirred ; nay , if we chance to be on foot , and may happen sometimes to sit downe , we doe it , like a kind of transported Creatures ; Nor can the Soule so much as breath , but only vtter certaine profound , lamenting sighes , which yet are not great in shew , because she is not able to expresse them , though yet they be very great , in themselues . It pleased our Blessed Lord , that I should haue sometimes , this following Vision . I saw an Angell very neer me , towards my left side , and he appeared to me , in a Corporeall forme ; though yet I am not wont to see anie thing of that kind , but very rarely . For , though Angells be represented often to me , it is yet , without my seeing them , but only according to that other kind of Vision , whereof I spake before . But , in this Vision , our Lord was pleased , that I should see this Angell , after this other manner . He was not great ; but rather little ; yet withall , he was of very much beautie . His face was so inflamed , that he appeared to be of those most Superiour Angells , who seem to be , all in a fire ; and he well might be of them , whome we call Seraphins ; but as for me , they neuer tell me their names , or rankes : yet howsoeuer , I see thereby , that there is so great a difference in Heauen , between one Angell , and another , as I am no way able to expresse . I saw , that he had a long Dart of gold in his hand ; and at the end of the iron below , me thought , there was a little fire ; and I conceaued , that he thrust it , some seuerall times , through my verie Hart , after such a manner , as that it passed the verie inwards , of my Bowells ; and when he drew it back , me thought , it carried away , as much , as it had touched within me ; and left all that , which remained , wholy inflamed with a great loue of Almightie God. The paine of it , was so excessiue , that it forced me to vtter those groanes ; and the suauitie , which that extremitie of paine gaue , was also so very excessiue , that there was no desiring at all , to be ridd of it ; nor can the Soule then , receaue anie contentment at all , in lesse , then God Almightie himself . This is no Corporall , but a Spirituall paine ; though yet the Bodie doe not faile , to participate some part thereof ; yea and that , not a little . And it is such a deare , delightfull kind of entercourse , which passes heer , between the Soule , and Almightie God , as I beseech him of his infinit goodnes , that he will giue some touch , or tast of it , to whosoeuer shall beleiue , that I lye . During the time , when I was in this state , I went , vp , and downe that world , like an odd kind of transported Foole ; neither cared I , either to see anie thing , or to speake ; but contented my self to consume , with burning-vp in my paine , which was to be the greatest glorie for me , that this whole world could affoard . In this state was I , now , and then , when our Blessed Lord was pleased , that these so verie great Rapts , should come vpon me , which I was not able sometimes to resist , euen when I was in presence of Secular people ; and so they grew to be publique ; and this gaue me a very great deale of trouble . But , since the time that I am growne to haue these Rapts , I feele not this paine so much as that other , whereof I spoke before ; though yet I cannot call the Chapter to minde . But that paine , is different in manie kindes ; and of more value also , then this ; Or rather , when this beginnes , whereof I am speaking in this place , it seemes , that our Lord doth rauish , and runne away , as it were , with the Soule , and put her into Extasis , out of hand ; and so , no too me is left , for the letting her feele anie paine , because instantly , the time of enioying , comes in . Let him be Blessed for euer , who vouchsafes to impart so high Fauours , to a person , who corresponds with him so ill , for so great benefits . THE THIRTIETH CHAPTER . She returnes to recount the course of her Life ; and hovv our Lord gaue remedie , to manie of her troubles , by bringing that holie man , Fray Pedro de Alcantara , of the Order of the Glorious S. Francis , to the place , vvhere she vvas . And she declares the great temptations , and invvard troubles , vvhich sometimes she endured . BVt now , when I came to obserue , the little , or nothing , which I was able to effect , towards the enduring , of those so great impulses , or impetuosities , whereof I was speaking , I grew to be in great feare of hauing them ; for it was past anie power of mine , to vnderstand , how Paine , and Ioy , might be possibly able , to consist togeather . That , Corporall paine , and Spirituall ioy , could be compatible , I know well , might be possible enough ; but , that so excessiue a Spirituall paine , should be compatible with so excessiue a Spirituall gust , did put me half , as it were , out of my witts . And still I did not giue-ouer to procure , to resist the ariuall thereof ; though yet I had so little power that way , that sometimes I grew wearie , euen of the endeauour . I defended my self , by the Crosse , and so procured to help my self , by that meanes , from him , who gaue vs all defence , and succour , by the same Crosse . I saw , that no Creature vnderstood me ; and this I vnderstood very clearly , though yet I durst not say so , to anie bodie , but my Ghostlie Father ; for , that , indeed , might haue authorised them to say truly , that I wanted humilitie . But our Blessed Lord was pleased to recouer me , from a great part of my trouble ; yea and euen at that time , from it all , by bringing that blessed man , Fray Pedro de Alcantara , thither , of whome I made mention before , when I spake somewhat of his great Pennance . And now I also remember , that , amongst other things , I haue been informed , that , for twentie yeares togeather , he had worne , vpon his bare Bodie , a certaine Garment of Lattin , in forme of a Haire Cloath . This man was the Authour of certaine little Treatises , concerning Prayer , written in Spanish ; and they are now in the hands of manie . For he , as being a person , who had accustomed himself much , to that holie exercise , wrote very profitably thereof , for them , who liue in the Obseruance of the First Rule of the Blessed S. Francis , according to the full rigour of the same . When therefore a certaine Widdow , of whome I spoke els where , ( who was a great Seruant of Almightie God , and a particular freind of mine ) came to know , that so great a man was there , with me ; and knew also the great necessities , wherein I was , ( as hauing been the witnes of my afflictions ) and had comforted me , in seuerall occasions , ( for , her Faith was euer so great , that she could neuer , in fine , beleiue , but that it was the Spirit of Almightie God , which all the rest , would needs haue to be the Diuel ) and considering also , that she was a person of very good vnderstanding , and of great secrecie withall , and one , to whome our Lord vouchsafed to doe great Fauours in Prayer ) his Diuine Maiestie was pleased , to giue her knowledge of those things , whereof they , who were Learned , were wholy ignorant . My Ghostlie Fathers then gaue me leaue , that I might ease my self , in some things , with her ; for she was capable , manie wayes , to vnderstand them ; for sometimes , it had come to her turne , to enioy euen some of those verie Fauours , which our Lord had also vouchsafed to affoard me , togeather with certaine aduertisments , which he had also giuen her , for the good of her Soule . But now , as soone as Fray Pedro came to know of my designe , he did ( without saying anie thing to me ) desire , and get leaue of my Prouinciall , that I might remaine with her , in her House , for a matter of some eight dayes ; and so , both there , and in seuerall Churches , I spoke with him , diuerse times , in that first occasion of my being there ; for I communicated my affaires with him also afterward , in sundry occasions , at which time I gaue him likewise account of my life , ( though yet , but in a Summarie way ) and of the manner of my proceeding in Prayer ; and this , with the greatest claritie , which I could possibly vse ; for , this propertie I euer had , to treat with all claritie , and truth , with them , to whome I imparted my Soule ; yea and I still desired , that euen the first motions of my hart , might be made knowne , to them ; and as for such things , as might be subiect anie way , to suspition , or doubt , I still was wont to argue them , * against my self , with the strongest reasons , that I could bring . So that I imparted my Soule to this Father , without anie manner of duplicitie , or disguise at all ; and I found , that he vnderstood me , almost euen at the verie first , by experience ; which was indeed , the onlie thing , whereof I had need , at that time ; for then , I could not giue my self so well , to be vnderstood , as now I can ; at least not so farre , as to expresse it home . For , since that time , it hath pleased our Lord , to enable me to vnderstand , and to declare to me , the Fauours , which his Diuine Maiestie doth me ; but formerly , it was necessarie enough for me , to find a person , who had passed through the same things , by experience ; if I would hope , that he should perfectly vnderstand me , and declare to me , what euerie thing was . Now , this Father gaue me very great light ; for I could not , by anie meanes , vnderstand , what that could be , which concerned those Visions , which were not Imaginarie , or represented by the Imagination ; and me thought also , that I vnderstood as little of those others , which I saw with the onlie eyes of my Soule , for , as I haue sayd before , those only , which were visible , by our Corporeall eyes , seemed to me , to be indeed , of importance ; and of these , I had receaued none at all . But now , this holie man , gaue me light in all ; and declared it to me ; and required me , not to be troubled anie longer ; but that I should blesse , and praise Almightie God ; and that I was to be very sure , that these were true effects of his Spirit ; and that , although it were no Article of Faith , yet nothing could be more certainly true , nor which I might more firmely beleiue . And he comforted himself very much , with me ; and shewed me all courtesie , and fauour ; and euer after , he had great care of me ; and he communicated diuerse of his affaires , and businesses , with me . And finding , that I had the self-same desires of those things , which he had already put in practise , ( for indeed , in as much as concerned desires , our Lord had giuen them to me , with great resolution ) and finding also , that I was so full of courage , in order to that end , he tooke particular contentment , to treat with me . For , whensoeuer our Blessed Lord is pleased to bring one to this State , there is * no ioy , or comfort , which can be equall to the meeting with some such other person , as to whome our Lord hath been pleased , to vouchsafe some beginning thereof ; for then perhaps , I had not much more , then a beginning , by what I may be able to conceiue ; And I beseech our Blessed Lord , that I haue it vet . But as for him , he had extraordinarie compassion of me , and told me that one of the verie greatest afflictions of this life , was that , which I had endured ; Namely , the opposition , and contradiction of good men ; and that still , I would be a little obnoxious , in the same kind ; because I must euer be in need of help ; and that he feared , there was no bodie in that Cittie , who would vnderstand me . But , that he would speake with my Ghostlie Father , & to one also of those others , who was wont to giue me most discomfort ; which was , that married Cauallier , of whome I spoke before . For he , as being a person , who loued me , perhaps , more then the rest , did continually make warre vpon me ; and he was a man of a tender , and holie Soule ; and considering , how lately before , he had found how wicked I was , he knew not , how to make himself sure , that all was right . But now , the holle man Fray Pedro , grew to talke with those two persons , afforesayd ; and he shewed them causes , and reasons , why they should , both quiet , and assure themselues , and disturbe me no more . As for my Ghostlie Father , there was no very great need of much diligence ; but as for the Cauallier , it suffised not for him , to heare what Fray Pedro sayd ; though yet , it were a meanes , to keep him from frighting me , so very much , as he had done before . But then , we resolued togeather , that I should write to Fray Pedro , of all that , which might succeed to me afterward ; and to recommend one another much , to Almightie God ; for , so great was his humilitie , as to make some little account of the prayers of this miserable Creature ; which gaue me confusion enough . But he left me , with extreame comfort , and gust , and directed me to proceed securely on , with my Prayer ; and to make no doubt at all , but that it was of Almightie God ; and that , whensoeuer I might be in anie doubt , for mine owne greater securitie , I should impart whatsoeuer occurred , to my Ghostlie Father ; and that then , I should hold my self for safe . But yet , notwithstanding all this counsaile , I was not able , to be entirely secure ; because our Lord was pleased , to guide me still , by the way of feare ; which sometimes made me apt to doubt , that the Diuel had a hand in the busines , whensoeuer they would needs tell me , that it was so . And thus indeed , vpon the whole matter , no Creature was able to giue me , either so much securitie , or so much feare , as to make me yeild more credit to either of them , then our Lord was pleased to infuse into my Soule . So that , howsoeuer this holie man did helpe me , both to quiet , and comfort , yet did I not so entirely beleiue him , as to remaine without anie feare at all ; especially , when our Lord came , sometimes , to leaue me in certaine troubles of minde , which I shall instantly relate ; yet howsoeuer , ( as I was saying , ) my comfort was then much encreased . But I could not then satisfye my self , with giuing humble thankes enow to Almightie God , and to that Glorious Father of mine , S. Ioseph , who ( as I was apt to thinke ) had brought Fray Pedro thither ; for he was Commissarie Generall of the Custodia of S. Ioseph ; to whome , as also to our B. Ladie , I vsed to recommend my self much . Now it had hapned to me formerly , sometimes , ( yea and so it doth also yet , though not so often ) to find my self in so excessiue troubles , and afflictions of Mind , togeather with feirce infirmities , afflictions , and torments of Bodie , that I knew not , which way to turne my self . At other times , I haue been subiect to corporall miseries , which were more greiuous ; but yet , not finding my self subiect then , to the sense of such sorrowes of minde , as now I haue , I passed with much alacritie , through them all . But whensoeuer they , of both kindes , came togeather , the miserie of it was so great , as that it gaue me affliction enough . And as for those great Fauours , which our Lord had been pleased to doe me , I then forgot them all ; and there only remained but such a kind of memorie of them , as of a thing which I had dreamt ; and this serued but to giue me so much the more paine . For , the Vnderstanding growes , in those cases , to be all obscured , and dulled ; in such sort , as that it made me enter into a thousand suspicions , * and doubts , as if I had not formerly vnderstood things well ; and that perhaps , I followed fancies , in stead of truths ; and that it might haue been miserie enough , for me , to be deceaued my self , without seeking to abuse , and cosen so manie good men ; and I seemed to be so very wicked , that me thought , all the mischeifs , and Heresies , which had been raised , and brought lately into the world , were but the fruits of my Sinnes . But , this is a false kind of humilitie , which the Diuel inuented of purpose , for my disquiet , to try , if he could bring my Soule to despaire . And I know so well , by experience , that this is a trick of the Diuel , that now , when he findes , that I vnderstand him , he torments me not so often heerin , as he was wont . The certaintie of this truth , is clearly found , by the restlesnes , and disquiet , wherewith he beginnes ; and by the bussling , which he keepes in the Soule , all the while it lasts ; and by the obscuritie , and affliction , which he brings to it ; and by the drynes , and indisposition to Prayer , which he leaues after it ; and , in fine , because it produces no good effect at all ; for he seemes euen to stifle the Soule , and to bind euen the Bodie also vp , that so it may be good for nothing ; whereas , by true Humilitie , though the Soule know it self to be wicked , and is in paine , to consider what we are ; and makes vs hold our Sinnes to be as great , and as greatly to be exaggerated , as hath been sayd ; and that they are felt indeed to be such ; yet comes not this kind of sense , with anie tumultuous disorder ; nor doth it disturbe , and vex the Soule , nor obscure her , nor giue drynes to her ; but rather it regales her , and behaues it self in a very contrarie way ; with gentlenes , with suauitie , and with Light. She * is troubled in some sort , on the one side , euen for that she is comforted , to see , how great Fauour our Lord imparts to her , in letting her feele that paine ; and to consider , how well employed it is ; and the sorrowes , for whatsoeuer she hath done , against Almightie God ; But yet , on the other side , she exalts , and admires his mercie ; she hath light , wherewith to put her self to confusion ; and to praise his Diuine Maiestie , for vouchsafing to endure her so long . But in that other kind of Humilitie , which the Diuel brings , there is no light , for anie thing , which is good ; but it seemes , as if God were readie , to put all the world , to fire , and sword . The Diuel represents the Diuine Iustice to the Soule ; and though he permit her to beleiue , that God hath mercie , ( for the Diuel hath no such power , as to destroy her Faith ) yet hath she euen that , in such sort , that it is no comfort to her , at all ; but rather , when she beholds God's great mercie , he makes it serue her , for so much the greater torment , because she seems to haue been obliged thereby , to haue serued Almightie God , so much the more . This is an inuention of the Diuel , and that of the most painefull , and subtile , and disguised , that I haue euer found ; and therefore I would wish your Reuerence ( if perhaps , he may procure to tempt you heerafter , in this kind ) to looke vpon it , with a Light in your hand , and to procure to know him well , if he leaue you vnderstanding enough , for doing it . And beleiue not heer , that Knowledge , and Learning will serue the turne ; for though I be in want enough of all that , yet now , when I am gotten out of his reach , I am growne to vnderstand very well , that all his discourse , is but foolerie ; And that , which I vnderstand also , is , that sometimes our Blessed Lord is pleased to giue way , and permit it ; and he allowes him leaue , to doe this , as he did , that he might try , and tempt Iob ; though , because I am so wicked , he permits not , that it be done to me , with so much rigour . It hapned to me once , ( and I remember very well , that it was vpon the day , before Corpus-Christi Eue , ( a Festiuitie , to which I am deuoted , though yet , not so much , as were fitt ) and at that time , it lasted with me but one day , but at other times , for a weeke , and a Forthnight , yea and sometimes , three weekes , and peraduenture more , and especially in the Holie Weekes , which were wont to be my Regalo , in point of Prayer ) that me thought , he * catched-vp , and euen carried-away my Vnderstanding , at an instant , for certaine things sometimes , so very triuiall , and light , that , at other times , I would but haue laughed at him , for his paines ; and then he makes her stoope , to whatsoeuer he lists ; and the Soule remaines , as it were , nayled to the place , without being Mistresse of her self , or being able to thinke of anie thing , but those impertinent fooleries , which the rempration represents ; and indeed , they haue no substance at all ; nor doe they either bind , or loose , but serue only to choake the Soule , in such sort , as not to suffer her to subsist , in her self . And really , it is true , that it hath hapned to me sometimes , to conceaue , that the Diuells goe playing with a Soule , as men would doe with a Ball ; and she , the while , is without anie meanes at all , to deliuer her self , out of their power . Nor can it be expressed , in what a deale of sufferance she is , by this meanes . She walkes in search of some defence ; and Almightie God permits , that she may find none . She only , and euer remaines , with the Facultie , and Power of her Free-Will ; though yet , not faire , and cleare , but as if a man had eyes , which were shut ; or as if some person , who had gone very often , by anie way , and so , though it were night , and darke , yet , by the markes , which he had formerly taken , knowes where he may be in danger to stumble ; because formerly he had seen the same pathes , by day , and so , he secures himself from that danger . In like manner , doth it occurr to the Soule , which now seemes , but meerly by custome , not to offend Almightie God ; for , I speake not heer , of that protection , which our Lord affords her , though yet , that be the thing , which imports most . But , in the meane time , our Faith is deaded ; or at least , layd asleep ; as the other vertues also are , in such times , as those ; though yet , they be not vtterly lost ; for , she well beleiues , euen then , that Doctrine , which the Church teaches ; and she pronounces it also with her mouth ; whereas yet , on the other side , the Diuel doth so presse , and dull this Faith , that she seemes to haue but such a kind of knowledge of God , as men haue a notice of things , which are spoken of , in their hearing ; but yet , from very farre off . Her Loue also , is so very Luke-warme , that , if she chance to heare Almightie God spoken of , she harkens in such a kind , as to beleiue indeed , that he is that , which he is , because the Church declares it ; but yet , she hath vtterly lost all memorie , of whatsoeuer she hath experimented of him , in her self . For her , to goe and pray , and remaine in Solitude , is but to encrease her affliction ; for , the torment , which she feeles in her self ( and yet , without knowing very well , why ) is an vnsupportable thing , in my opinion ; and indeed , it is a kind of picture , in little , or rather a patterne of Hell. And this is most certainly so ; as our Lord himself was pleased to giue me to vnderstand , once , in a certaine Vision . For heer , the Soule doth euen burne her self vp , of her self , without her knowing , either by whome , or by what way , she is set on fire ; or yet , how to escape from thence ; or finally , how to quench it ; for , as for seeking to help her self by reading , she will be able to profit by it , no more , then if she could not read at all . It hapned to me , one day , to reade the Life of a Saint , so to see , if I could swallow the iuyce , and substance thereof ; and thus to comfort my self , with the consideration of what he had suffered ; and so , I read half a dozen lines of it , foure or fiue times ouer ; and yet , though all were written in mine owne Mother-Toung , I vnderstood them lesse , in the end , then I did in the beginning ; and so I gaue it ouer . This hapned to me manie times ; but I more particularly remember this one . To apply ones-self to conuersation , in such times as these , is yet worse ; for , the Diuel fills vs then , with such an vntoward , and harsh kind of spirit of anger , that it seemes to me , that I could euen eate folkes vp , since I can doe nothing els ; yea and me thinkes , I acquitt my self well , in that I forbeare to doe it ; and that God also shewes him , who is in this case , a particular Fauour , in preseruing him from doing , or saying somewhat , against his Neighbour , whereby he might preiudice him , and offend Almightie God. And now , as for going to my Ghostlie Father , at such times ; it is certaine , which I shall heer relate ; and it hath hapned to me , very often ; That , notwithstanding they were some great Saints , with whome I haue dealt , and yet deale ; they vttered such harsh words , and chidd me after so sharpe a manner , that , when afterward , I would take occasion to repeate them , in their owne hearing , themselues would be euen amazed , at themselues ; and they told me , it was no longer , in their power , to doe otherwise . For , though they fully resolued within themselues , not to doe it ; and at other times , that they had not only compassion of me , but euen a kind of scruple also , in themselues , to treat me thus , when I was so full of affliction , both in Bodie , and Minde ; and though they had euen resolued , to comfort me , with much compassion , and pittie , yet , in fine , they were not able , to doe it . Not yet , that they gaue me ill language , in such sort , as to offend Almightie God , by it , but they would vse words , as full of disgust , as could possibly be heard , from Ghostlie Fathers . But belike , they intended to mortifye me ; which though at other times , I could passe ouer , or at least , endure , yet then , it grew all , to be a torment . But yet sometimes , I came also to be of opinion , that euen I had deceaued them ; yea and my self would goe to them , and aduise them , in very great good earnest , that they should take heed of me , least I deceaued them . Not , but that I knew well enough , that I would not doe it , on set purpose , and vpon designe , nor tell them , by anie meanes , anie lye ; but the truth is , I was affrayd of all things . There was one , who hearing of this temptation of mine , aduised me , not to be troubled at it ; for , * though I should haue a minde to cosen him , yet he had witt enough , to defend himself , from me . That , which sometimes gaue me great comfort , and , as it were , constantly , or , at least , most ordinarily , was , that I vsed to haue some kind of respit , after I had Communicated ; yea and sometimes , euen in approaching to the Blessed Sacrament , at the verie instant , I should grow so very perfectly well , both in Bodie , and Soule , that it did euen amaze me . For , it seemed , to be no other thing , then that all the darknesses of my Soule , were dispersed , and discharged at an instant ; and that , vpon the approach of the Sunne , I quickly came to discerne those fooleries , wherein I had found my self , all that while . At other times , by the hearing of some one word , which our Lord was pleased to say to me , and with only expressing himself thus ; Be not afflicted ; and be not afrayd , as formerly I haue related , I remained most perfectly well ; and sometimes , by seeing some Vision , I became , as if I had neuer felt anie inconuenience . And in those cases , I would be entertaining , and regaling my self , with Almightie God ; and would , euen kindly complaine to him , against himself , for permitting me to suffer so great torments ; though yet I must confesse , that he had first meant , to make me very good amends ; because , these difficulties , did neuer vse to ariue , but after a great abundance of Fauours . And me thinkes , he ordaines things so , to the end , that the Soule may appeare like gold , which comes refined , and pure , out of the Crusible ; and that so , she may see our Lord , in her self ; and then , doe those troubles , which ariue , grow to be accounted little , though they seem insupportable , at the time . And we desire , that we may returne againe , to suffer , if our Lord may be serued the better , by it ; yea and to admit also of more tribulations , and persecutions ; Prouided alwayes , that they may happen , without offence of our Lord. Nay , we rather will reioyce in suffering for him ; for , all will , in the end , bring more profit ; though yet , for my part , I could neuer beare them , as I ought , but rather with abundance of imperfection . At other times , these troubles would come vpon me , in other kindes ; and so , as that me thinkes , it is absolutly a kind of impossible thing , for me to thinke then , of anie thing , which is good ; yea or so much , as to desire , to doe anie such thing ; for that I haue both a Bodie , and a Soule , which is absolutly vntoward , and good for nothing . But at those times , I am not subiect to those other temptations , and disquiets , but only to a disgust in all things , though I know not , why ; so that nothing can giue contentment to my Soule . And then I would be sometimes procuring , to diuert , and employ my self , vpon the performing of some good workes , in the exteriour way ; and I would doe so , euen half , whether my self would , or no. But , in fine , I am come , at length , to know , by such meanes as these , how very little anie Soule is worth , whensoeuer the grace of Almightie God , is hidden from her . And this kind of consideration , vsed not to put me to anie trouble at all ; for , the beholding mine owne basenes , after this manner , was wont to giue me a kind of satisfaction . At other times , I find my self so , as that I am vtterly vnable , to frame anie distinct , or formed conceipt of Almightie God ; nor indeed of anie good thing , after a stayd manner . Nor am I able then , to put my self in Prayer , though I be neuer so much alone ; though yet , I feele still , that I know there is a God ; and I find also , that it is my Imagination , and my Vnderstanding , which doe me so much hurt , in these occasions , and cafes ; for , as for my Will , me thinkes , it stands right in me , and that it is disposed to all goodnes . But this Vnderstanding of mine , is so entirely lost , that it seemes to be no other thing , then some furious , and madd kind of Foole , whome no bodie is able to bind ; nor am I so farre Mistresse thereof , as that I can make it quiet , for one Credo . Sometimes I fall on laughing ; and yet then , doe I know my miserie , and stand looking vpon my Soule , and permit her to doe , what she will ; and yet , our Lord be thanked , she neuer , by anie meanes , applyes her self to anie thing , which is ill , but only about things , which are indifferent , if there be anie thing , which may occurr , to be done , either heer , or there , or anie where els . But thus , I come to know better , the incomparable mercie , which our Lord is pleased to shew me , vpon his tying-vp this madd foole , when we are in perfect contemplation . And heer , I consider , what would become of me , if such persons as hold me now for good , could discerne me , to haue these idlenesses , and impertinencies , which I haue described heer . But now , I haue very great compassion of a Soule , to find her , in so ill companie , as this . I would faine see her rather , in libertie ; and I expresse my self , in this manner , to our Blessed Lord : When , O my God , shall I ariue , to see my Soule , all conioyned , and vnited togeather , in celebrating thy praise ; that so , all the Powers thereof , may admire thee ? Permit not heerafrer , O Lord , that she wander , vp , and downe , by peices ; for now it seemes no otherwise , then as if euerie one of the same Powers , were running , vp , and downe , in a seuerall way . These things passe thus , very often ; and I vnderstand also very well , that sometimes , the little corporall health I haue , contributes much , to these inconueniences . I also reflect much , by these occasions , vpon the hurt , which the Sinne of our First Parent , hath done vs ; for , me thinkes , it is growne from thence , that we are incapable to enioy so great a good ; and mine owne sinnes , are a great part of the cause ; for certainly , if I had not committed so manie , I should haue remained more entire , and free , towards the doing of good . I was subiect also , by times , to another very great inconuenience ; for , conceauing that I vnderstood all the Bookes , that treat of Prayer , which I came to read , and that already , our Blessed Lord had done me some such kind of fauour , as that I needed them not ; for this reason , I did not read them , but applyed my self to read the Liues of Saints . And finding my self also very short , in that , wherein they had so heroically serued Almightie God , this seemed to doe me good , and giue me strength ; but yet , me thought , this was a signe of little humilitie , for me to thinke , that I was already ariued , to hold that degree of Prayer . And not being able , to quiet my self otherwise , I continued much in paine , till certaine learned men , and particularly , that blessed Creature , Fray pedro de Alcantara , declared to me , that I was not , to be troubled at that . I am not ignorant , that in the seruing of Almightie God , I haue not yet so much as begunne ; though yet , the way , which his Diuine Maiestie hath held , in doing me Fauours , is the same , which he hath vsed towards such , as are good ; whereas , for my part , I am no more , then a direct downe-right meer imperfection , vnlesse it be , in my desires , to loue him ; for , in this , indeed , I see well , that our Lord hath done me Fauour , that so I may performe some little thing , for him . I confesse , me thinkes , I loue him ; but my actions , and the manie imperfections , which I discerne therein , giue me great discomfort . At other times , my Soule falls into a kind of Foolerie ; for so it is , when , me thinkes , I doe neither good , nor ill , but follow on , after the walke of others folkes ; and this , neither with paine , nor glorie ; nor with thought of life , or death , nor gust , nor trouble ; yea , me thinkes , she feeles nothing at all , but rather seemes to me , to walke on , like some little Asse , who seeds , and sustaines himself , because they giue him somewhat to eate ; and he eates , almost without thinking , what he is doing . For , the Soule , when she is in this state , is not likely to be without feeding , vpon some great Fauours of Almightie God , since she is not troubled , with liuing in so miserable a life , as this , but passes through it , with patience , and equalitie of minde ; but yet , these motions , and effects , are not found by her , in such sort , as that the Soule is made to vnderstand her self by them . It seemes now also to me , to be , as when men saile at Sea , by the breath of a sweet , and gentle Winde ; for then , we ridd much way , though we scarce know how ; Whereas , in those other conditions , the effects are so very great , that the Soule doth almost instantly ▪ discerne her owne improuement ; for instantly doe her desires boile vp , and the Soule can neuer satisfye her self ; but they , to whome Almightie God imparts such impetuosities of Loue , doe find such operations , as these . This is like certaine little Springs , which I haue obserued to rise , and where the Sand neuer ceases to moue vpwards . And this example , and comparison of Soules , which be ariued to this state , seemes very naturall to me . For , Loue will be euer boyling vpward , and considering , and deuising , about what it may be able to doe ; and can , by no meanes , be contained in it self ; as it seemes , the water , whereof I spake , is not able to continue in the earth , which still is casting it vp , from thence . And iust so , is it very vsuall for the Soule , not to be at quiet , or in contentment with her self , through the loue she beares to Almightie God ; but she is so bathed , and soaked , and filled with it , that she wishes , that others would drinke too , ( since , for her part , she cannot want ) that so they might assist her , to sing the praises of Almightie God. O how often doe I call to minde , that liuing Water , whereof our Lord spake to the Samaritan ; as , indeed , I am very much deuoted to that Ghospell . And really , it is most true , that I was so , euen from my childhood , though I did not then , vnderstand this benefit , as now I doe ; but I often besought our Lord , to bestow of this Water vpon me ; and alwaies , I had the Image , or Figure of it , at hand , with this Motto , or Word of hers , when he was so neer the Well : Domine da mihi hanc aquam ; O Lord , bestovv this vvater vpon me . It seemes also to me , that as a Fire which is very great , needs matter vpon which to worke , to the end that it may not be extinguished : So also for those Soules , whereof I speake , it is necessary that they be bringing wood , how deare soeuer it may cost them ; to the end , that this fire may not goe out . For my part , I am so miserable a Creature , that I would be content , if I had but strawes , to cast in . And so it happens to me sometimes , yea and very often , that , one while I would be laughing , and at other times , much afflicted . For , a certaine interiour motion , and impulse , which I haue , is euer inciting me , to serue God , in somewhat ; and ( since I am not fitt for greater matters ) to doe it , by gathering Flowers , and making Posies , and applying them , in decent manner , to holie Images , and Pictures ; to sweep , or dresse-vp some Oratorie ; or in doing such other little , and poore things , as gaue me confusion , to see , that they were no greater . And so also , if I chanced to doe anie Pennance , it was all , so very little , and so poorely done , that vnlesse our Lord should vouchsafe to accept the Desire , for the Deed , I saw plainely , that I was good for nothing ; and , in a word , I did euen laugh at my self . But now , it giues no small trouble , to such Soules , as it pleases Almightie God , through his goodnes , to endue , with the fire of his Loue , in great abundance , if they be in want of corporall health , and strength , whereby they may be able , to doe somewhat for him ; since this giues a very great paine . For , in regard that we want strength , to carrie still , more and more wood , to this fire , ( and such Soules doe euen dye , for the feare they haue , least the Fire should goe out ) it seemes to me , that she doth euen consume , and burne her self vp , into ashes ; or els , euen dissolue her self into teares , and so breath her selfe away , into nothing ; and this is a strong kind of torment , though it leaue not , to be sauourie withall . Let such a Soule , as this , giue great thankes to Almightie God , if she haue ariued to this * state ; and if our Lord haue giuen her person , corporall strength , to doe pennance ; or if he haue imparted Learning , and talents , and power , to Preach , and heare Confessions , and winne Soules to Almightie God. For she knowes not , nor vnderstands not the great benefit , which is possessed by her , vnlesse she be growne so farre , as to feele the affliction which it brings , to be euer receauing much , at the hands of our Lord , and neuer to be able withall , to be doing his Diuine Maiestie anie Seruice . Let him be euer Blessed for all ; and let the Angells giue him glorie , Amen . I know not , whether I doe well , to be writing of so manie little things ; but since your Reuerence hath commanded me yet againe , not to esteem it anie trouble to enlarge my self , and that I must be sure to omit nothing , I therefore goe discoursing with clearnes , and with truth , of as much as I can call to mind . And it is impossible , but that I should omitt manie things ; for els , it would grow to cost me much more time , whereof I haue very little , as I haue sayd ; and then , when all were done , it would perhaps , be of no benefit at all . THE ONE AND THIRTIETH CHAPTER . She treats of certaine exteriour temptations , and representations of the Diuel ; and of the torments , vvhich he gave her . She speakes also of other things , vvhich are very fitt , for the aduise , and instruction of such persons , as are vvalking on , in the vvay of Perfection . AS I haue spoken of sorne interiour , and secret temptations , and disturbances , which the Diuel brought vpon * me : So now will I speake of some others , which , in effect , were publique , and wherein I could not be ignorant , but that it was he . I was once in a certaine Oratorie , and he appeared to me , on my left side , in an abominable kind of figure ; and in particular , I obserued his mouth , because he was speaking to me ; and it was of a most vglie forme . It seemed to me , that a huge flame , came out of his bodie ; and it was all , a very bright one , without anie obscuritie at all . He told me , after a most hideous manner , that howsoeuer I had freed my self once , out of his hands , he would yet find meanes enow , to fetch me back againe . I was in a mightie feare , but I blessed my self , as well as I could ; and so he vanished a way ; but yet he instantly returned ; and this hapned to me , two seuerall times ; Nor did I know , in the world , what to doe ; only I had Holie-water , neer at hand ; and so I sprinkled it towards the part , where he was ; and he neuer returned to me , anie more . Another time , he was some fiue howers togeather , tormenting me , with very terrible paine , and both exteriour , and interiour disquiet ; in such sort , that it was euen past enduring . The woemen , who were then at hand , were astonished , to see , what passed ; but neither could they tell , what to doe , nor I , how to serue my self ; of their helpe . My custome is , whensoeuer anie corporall sicknes , or paine , is very intollerable , to make certaine Acts within my self , the best I can , beserching our Blessed Lord , that his Diuine Maiestie , will giue me patience ; and that , if it shall redound to his Seruice , I may continue , to suffer so , euen till the very end of the world . And therefore now , when I found my self put to suffer , with so much rigour , I applyed my self to get help , by making some such acts , as those , and diuerse good purposes also ; that so , I might beare the burthen , the better . And our Lord was pleased then , that I should clearly vnderstand it , to be the Diuel ; for I saw a certaine little abominable Negro , or Black-More , hard by me , gnashing his teeth , euen like a despairing wretch ; but yet , in fine , he lost , by what he hoped to gaine ; for , as soone as I saw him , I fell a laughing , and had no feare of him , at all ; but there were some persons by , who knew not , what to doe , in this case , nor how to procure anie remedie , for such paine , as they saw me endure ; the blowes being so great , which he made me giue my self , both vpon my Armes , and my Head , and my whole Bodie ; and I , not hauing anie power at all , to resist him ; yea and ( which was worse , then this ) I was subiect to so great an inward kind of restlesnes , and disquiet , as I could , by no meanes , appease ; no nor yet durst I , so much as call for Holie-water , for feare of giuing them apprehension , who were there , and so , to make them know , what the matter was . For my part , I haue found , by much experience , that there is not anie thing , from which , the Diuels doe so certainly fly , ( and so , as to returne no more ) as from * Holie-Water . They fly also from the Crosse ; but , in that case , they will presently , sometimes , returne againe . So that certainly , the vertue of Holie-water , is great ; and for my part , my Soule finds a particular , and euident kind of comfort , when I take it ; and really , and vsually , I feele such an ease , and pleasure in it , as I am not well able to expresse ; for , it is an interiour delight , which comforts my whole Soule ; and this is no meer imagination , or fancie , nor a thing , which hath hapned to me only once , but very often ; and when I obserue it , with most attention , me thinkes , it is as if a bodie , who were much troubled with heat , and thirst , should drinke a draught of very cold water , which should refresh him , euen to his harts desire . And heervpon , I also consider , that all those things , which be ordained by the Church , are of great importance , and moment ; and it is matter euen of much Regalo to me , that those words , which the * Church vses , and sayes , should haue the power , to make Holie-water , become of so very different a condition , from such other , as is not hallowed by the Church . But , in the meane time , when my torment would not cease , I told them so , who were present , that so they might not laugh at me ; and calling for Holie-water , they brought me some , and sprinkled me with it ; but it did me no good . Vpon that , I sprinkled some , towards the place , where the ill Spirit was ; and then he went instantly away ; and I grew as instantly well , as if they had stroaked my hurt off from me , with their hands ; saue that I found my self as wearie , as if I had been cudgelled extreamly . But now , it did me a very great deale of good , to find , that when our Lord giues the Diuel leaue , he is able to doe such a deale of mischief , to a Creature , both in Bodie , and Soule , euen when they are not his , or absolutly , in his power ; for then , what would he be able to doe , when they should be wholy left , to his disposing ? This gaue me also , a very great desire , to free my self from so ill Companie , as that , of the Diuel , is . At another time , and that was lately , the self-same thing hapned to me , though yet , it lasted not long ; but I was then alone ; and then , I also called for Holie-Water ; and two Religious Woemen , ( who were very well worth the beleiuing , and would , by no meanes , be induced , to tell an vntruth , ) came-in thither , after the Diuel was departed from thence , and declared , that they felt a filthie stinke , as of brimstone . For my part , I smelt it not ; but they say , it continued so long , that others might also perceiue it . Another time , I was in the Quire ; and I came into a very great depth of Recollection ; and I went away , from thence , for feare , least somewhat might be obserued . But the Religious in the Quire , who were neer the place where I was , heard a noyse of very great blowes , which were giuen ; and , for my part , I also heard those Spirits talke togeather , close to me , as if they had been agreeing about some busines of theirs , though I knew not , what , in particular , it was ; for I found my selfe in such depth of Prayer , that I vnderstood them not , in expresse manner ; neither yet , had I anie feare of them , at all . But these things did ordinarily not ariue , but when some Soule , or other , did receiue benefit , vpon my perswasion , and aduise . And it is certaine , that a thing hapned to me once , which I shall now relate ; and there are manie witnesses of it ; & , in particular , my Ghostlie Father , to whome I Confesse my self now ; for he saw it in a certaine Letter , without my telling him , who it was , that wrote it ; though yet , he chanced to know it , otherwise . But the thing was this . There came once a certaine person to me , who had been in Mortall Sinne , about some two yeares , and a balf ; and he had committed one , which was of the most abominable , that euer I had heard of , in my whole life ; and , during all that time , he neither Confessed , nor reformed himself , and yet he sayd Masse , all the while . And though he then , Confessed his other Sinnes , yet concerning that one , he was wont to aske himself , how it could be possible , that euer he should Confesse so fowle a thing ; and yet he had a desire , to free himself from it , but knew not , in fine , how to effect it . For my part , I had great compassion of the man ; and much greif , to see Almightie God so offended ; and I promised him , to beseech our Lord , to giue him remedie ; and that I would also entreat diuerse others , who were much more likelie to preuaile , then my self , to become suiters to his Diuine Maiestie , for him ; and accordingly , I wrote to a certaine person , about it , this man letting me know , that he could conuey my letter . And it is certaine , that heervpon , he instantly Confessed his Sinnes ; and Almightie God was pleased ( at the instance of those many other holie persons , to whome the busines had been recommended ) to extend his mercie , to this Soule ; and my self also , as miserable as I am , did not faile , to sollicit it , the best I could . But the man wrote a Letter to me , declaring , that he was reformed , so farre , already , as that some good time had incurred , wherein he had returned no more , to that Sinne ; but yet , that the torment was so great , by the temptation , which sollicited him that way , that he accounted himself , to be almost , as it were , in a kind of Hell ; so extreamly was he put to suffer by it ; and therefore , that I must help him still , with Almightie God. Vpon this , I recommended him againe to my Sisters , the Religious of our Monasterie ; by meanes of whose prayers , it seemes , our Lord was pleased , to doe me this Fauour ; for , they tooke the matter , very much to hart . This man , was a person , of whome , no one could guesse , who it was ; and I humbly besought the Diuine Maiestie , to appease those torments , and temptations , to which he was subiect ; and that those Diuels might be suffered to torment me , in his place ; prouided alwayes , that I might not offend our Blessed Lord , in anie thing , by it . And it is very certainly true , that shortly after this , I endured most greiuous torments , for the space of a moneth . And these two particulars , which I haue now related , did happen then . But our Lord , in the meane time , was pleased , that they should leaue , to afflict that person anie more ; for so , men sent me word , because I had already signifyed to them , what had occurred to me , during that moneth . And as for him , his Soule got strength daily ; and he grew to be absolutly free ; nor could he satisfye himself , with giuing thankes , not only to our Blessed Lord , but euen also to me , as if I had done somewhat therein . But the truth is , that the opinion , which he had , that our Lord did sometimes shew me Fauours , was of benefit to him ; for he sayd , that , whensoeuer he found himself , to be much assaulted , and pressed , he vsed to read my Letters , and that presently therevpon , he should find himself ridd of the temptation . He grew to be much amazed , to vnderstand , of what I had suffered ; and how also , himself came to be free ; yea and euen I , came also to wonder at it ; and certainly , I would haue suffered manie yeares , for the aduantage , and deliuerance of a Soule . Let our Lord be praised for all ; for , the prayers of such , as serue him well , can doe much ; as , I beleiue , my Sisters doe , of this House ; but yet , because I had been earnest in procuring those prayers , the Diuels would be more enraged against me , then against others ; and our Lord also permitted that , for my Sinnes . About this time also , I once thought , that the Diuells would euen haue strangled me ; & it was , by night . But as soone as I had caused Holie-water to be cast vpon me , I saw a multitude of them runne away , as if they had been about to breake their necks , from some high rock . And it is so frequent , and familiar with me , to be tormented by these cursed wretches , and the feare , which now I haue of them , is growne to be so very little , ( by seeing , that they are not so much as able to stirre , vnlesse our Blessed Lord giue them leaue , ) that although it might be of comfort to my self , yet I should not faile to wearie your Reuerence , if I related them . But euen that , which is sayd already , may serue to shew , that anie true Seruants of Almightie God , may need to trouble themselues litle , at these idle frights , and Bugg-beares , which the Diuels are wont to expose , that so , they may make vs feare them ; and , in fine , let the world be sure , that euerie time , when we make them see , that we despise them , they will remaine with so much the lesse strength , after it ; and the Soule , as being a greater Princesse , then she was before , will remaine with so much more power , and profit ; as I will not stand heer , to relate , for feare of too much length . But now I will only declare , what hapned to me once , vpon an All-Soules Day , at night ; for , being , at that time , in the Oratorie , and hauing recited Matins , as also those so very deuout Prayers , which are at the end thereof , according to the Breuiarie , the Diuel put himself vpon the Booke , to the end , that I might not finish the Prayer ; but I blessed my self , with making the Signe of the Holie Crosse , and so he went presently away ; but I beginning againe , he also returned ; and I thinke it was no lesse , that the like hapned , then three times ; and till I cast Holie-Water at him , I could not make an end of the busines . But then , I plainly saw , that some Soules went out of Purgatorie , at the instant , who , belike , wanted very little of their deliuerance ; and perhaps , the Diuel meant to diuert it . It is seldome , that I haue seen the Diuel , in anie exact , and particular Forme , or Figure ; but manie times , without Forme , as I did the Vision ; for , a Bodie sees very clearly , that he is there , as I haue declared already ; and I will now relate this also , because it amazes me very much . Being one day , in a certaine Monasterie , and in the Quire , and vpon the Festiuitie of the Blessed Trinitie , I chanced to be in Rapt ; and I saw a great contention , and strife , between Angells , and Diuells , yet not knowing , what that Vision might meane . But about some fifteen dayes before , it was heard , that a certaine great disagreement had hapned , between some persons , who were of Prayer , and manie others also , who were not so ; & there came a great deale of harme to the place , where this occurred ; for , the strife continued long ; and it bred a very great deale of disquiet . Another time , I saw a multitude of them , all round about me ; but then , it seemed to me , that I was enuironed with a great kind of Light , which permitted them not to approach . And I vnderstood thereby , that our Lord kept them off , from coming neer me , in anie such sort , as to make me offend his Diuine Maiestie ; and by that , which I had found sometimes in my self , I conceaued that it was a true Vision . The matter is , that I now vnderstand so very well , how little power they haue , whensoeuer I goe not against God , that , in effect , I doe not feare them at all ; for , their strength is directly nothing , vnlesse they find the Soules , they set vpon , to be cowardlie , and yeilding to them ; but then indeed , they shew their power . In some of those former Temptations , me thought , they employed themselues , now , and then , vpon awaking , and reuiuing in me , the memorie of all the frailties , and vanities , of my former time ; in such sort , as that I had good cause , to recommend my self much , to Almightie God ; but this , put me to very much paine , by making it seem to me , that now , it was all , of the Diuel , since those thoughts of mine , returned ; till such time , as my Ghostlie Father put me in quiet . For really , it seemed to me , that euen the first motions of ill thoughts , were not so much as to approach anie such person , as had receiued so great Fauours of our B. Lord. At other times , it tormented me much , yea and euen it torments me still , to see , that men should hold me , in so high account ; and especially , that it should be done , by eminent persons ; and that they shoud speake so much good of me . And in this , I haue suffered , and still suffer much ; but I quickly cast my thoughts , vpon the Life of Christ our Lord , and his Saints ; and , me thinkes , I walke in a way , which is very contrarie , to that of theirs ; for they aspired to nothing , but to be subiect to iniuries , and contempt . And this makes me walke with such feare , as that I euen sarce dare hold vp my head ; and would be glad , to get my selfe out of sight ; which yet , I neuer desire , when I find my self subiect to persecutions ; for then , my Soule carries her self like a great Ladie , whatsoeuer the Bodie may feele . I know not , how these things can stand ; but yet they passe in such sort , that the Soule seemes then , to be as in her Kingdome ; and that she treads , and tramples all things , vnder her feet . This occurred to me seuerall times , and the same continued long ; and I thought , it was vertue , and humilitie , but now I see plainly enough , that it was a temptation ; and a Dominican Father , a learned man , declared it to me , very well . When I conceaued , that these Fauours , which our B. Lord was pleased to doe me , would grow to be publiquely knowne , it was of so excessiue a torment to me , that it extreamly disquieted my Soule ; and it came , at length , to that passe , that , whilst I was considering the same , I could more willingly haue been contented , to be buried quick , then that anie such thing should ariue . And so , when I came to haue those so great Recollections , and Rapts , as that it was not possible for me , to resist them in publique , Iremained so confounded with shame afterward , that I would haue been glad , not to appeare , where anie Creature , who knew me , might see me . And being once extreamly afflicted , vpon this account , I was asked by our Blessed Lord , what it was , whereof I was so much afrayd . For , * saith he , this cannot grow , but from one of these two occasions ; Namely , that either it is , because they will murmure against you ; Orels , for that they will praise , and magnifye me . Meaning , that they , who should beleiue it , would praise him ; and they , who should not beleiue it , would condemne me ; though yet , without anie fault at all , of mine . But he sayd , that both those things , would proue to be of aduantage to me ; and that therefore I must no longer , be troubled at it . This quieted me very much then ; and it also comforts me now , whensoeuer I call it to minde . This temptation came on so farre , that it gaue me an inclination , to quitt this place , and to carrie my fortunes with me , to another Monasterie , which was very much more enclosed , and shut vp , then that , wherein I was , for the present . And I liked it also the rather , for that I had heard it extreamly praised , manie wayes ; and besides , it was a House , of mine owne Order ; yea and also very farre off , from my former aboade . And it was a thing , which would haue comforted me much , to remaine , where I were vtterly vnknowne ; but my Ghostlie Father , would neuer permit it . These feares did much depriue me of Libertie of Spirit ; but I came to vnderstand afterward , that it was no good Humilitie , since it gaue me such a deale of disquiet . And our Lord , vpon that occasion , taught me this truth , that , if , * indeed , I were resolued , and assured , that nothing at all of mine , were good , but that it were all , of God , it would follow , that iust so , as I would not be sorrie , to heare other persons praised , but rather would be greatly comforted , and ioyed , that our Lord did shew himself in them : So neither would I be sorrie , that his workes might be also seen , in me . I fell also , vpon another extreame ; and it was , to beg of Almighty God ( yea , and I made particular Prayer to this purpose ) that , when by accidēt , anie person should enter into good opinion of me , his Diuine Maiestie would be pleased , to declare my Sinnes to him ; to the end , that the man might see , how absolutly without anie merit of mine , it pleased our B. Lord to doe me Fauours . And this , doe I euer much desire , though my Ghostlie Father haue commanded me , * not to aske it . But hitherto , till very lately , if I chanced to see anie person , who thought extraordinarily well of me , I tooke the best meanes I could find , by some deuise , or other , to tell him my sinnes ; and thus I conceaued my self , to find ease . But yet heerby , they haue put me into a kind of scruple , that this proceeded not in me , from humilitie ; and that it rather grew from a temptation ; in regard , that manie came to me , and I seemed , to haue cosened them all . But though it be very true that they are indeed deceaued , if they thought , that there was anie goodnes in me , yet had I no desire at all , to deceaue them ; nor did I euer pretend anie such thing ; but that our Blessed Lord might haue perhaps permitted it . And so , for the self-same reason . I would neuer haue imparted anie priuate accident of mine , which was no Sinne , euen to my verie Ghostlie Fathers themselues , vnlesse I had found it , to be wholy necessarie ; for I should otherwise , haue had much scruple to doe it . But now I see very well , that all these little * feares , and troubles , & superfluities of ill-grounded Humilities , doe sauour very sufficiently , of imperfection , and proceed from the immortification of the Soule . For , to a Soule , which is well resigned , into the hands of Almightie God , it doth not import her a iott more , that they should speake well of her , then ill ; if once she vnderstand well , and home , ( forasmuch as God will giue her that grace ) that she hath nothing at all , of her self ; but let her confide in him , who imparts it , and she shall know , in time , why he discouers it . And , in the meane while , let her prepare her self , for persecution ; for , it will most certainly ariue , in such an Age as this , vpon anie such person , as to whome our Lord will haue it knowne , that he doth her such Fauours as these . For , vpon anie such Soule as this , a thousand watchfull eyes will be cast ; whereas there will not be one , vpon a whole thousand of such other Soules , as be of a contrarie making . And there is really much cause to feare this ; and it ought to haue been my feare , that the other was * not Humilitie , but Pusillanimitie . For , a Soule , which Almightie God permits to be exposed thus , to the sight of the world , may expect to be a Martyr of the same world ; for , if she will not dye to it , she shall dye , by it . For my part , I really see nothing , in this thing , called World , which seemes good to me , except only , that it giues not way , that worthie , and good people , should be permitted to doe ill , without being murmured at , for their labour ; and by this meanes , they grow to perfect themselues . But there is need of more fortitude , and courage , for a man , who is yet imperfect , to walke-on towards a way of perfection , then euen to be instantly , made a Martyr . For , Perfection is not so quickly gotten , vnlesse it be by some such person , as to whome our Blessed Lord may vouchsafe that Fauour , by way of a particular priuiledge . But the world discerning once , that a man beginnes to aspire to doe well , will needs account him perfect , at an instant ; and then will it presently see anie fault in him , if he haue anie , though it be a thousand leagues off . Yea and perhaps , that , which they hold to be a fault in him , shall indeed , be a vertue ; and the other , who condemnes him , and is wont , peraduenture , to doe the self-same thing , by an impulse of vice , will iudge ill , of it , in another . So that , according to his dictamen , that other man , should neither eate , nor sleepe , nor euen , as it were , draw his breath . And the more also they esteem such persons , the more apt are they to forget , that , how perfect soeuer their Soules be , and how absolutly soeuer they tread the whole world vnder their feet , yet still , they are in the Bodie , and liue vpon Earth , and are subiect to the miseries of their condition . And therefore still I say , that there is need of a great deale of courage ; because , such men haue a minde , that the poore Soule , which hath not yet begunne to walke , should already fly . She hath not yet ouercome , and mortifyed her passions ; and yet these men will needs expect , that she should remaine as entire , and firme , as they haue read of Saints themselues , after they were confirmed in grace . The particulars , which occurr in this kind , are to giue a man cause to wonder ; and withall , euen to afflict vs to the hart , to see so manie Soules turne back againe , which know not ( poore Creatures , as they are ) what shift to make for themselues ; and so , doe I beleiue , that mine had also done , if our Lord , with such an abundance of mercie , had not dispatched all that busines , alone . For , till he , out of his owne goodnes , did so , your Reuerence will already haue seen , that , on my part , there was nothing at all , but only rising , and falling , ouer and ouer . I would faine expresse this point , home ; for I beleiue , that manie Soules , grow to be abused , and deceiued , because they haue a minde to fly , before Almightie God giue them wings . I conceiue , that I haue formerly vsed this Comparison ; but it comes also very well in , heer ; for I find , that manie Soules , are much afflicted , vpon this occasion . As namely , when they beginne , with great desires , and resolutions , to goe forward in the way of vertue ( and some doe euen giue-ouer all , for loue thereof , forasmuch as concernes exteriour things ) and yet , see more aduantagious effects , and fruits of such vertues , as our Lord hath infused into the Soules of others , who are more proficient , then into theirs ; and that they cannot performe certaine things , which are set downe in those Bookes , which are written of Prayer , and Contemplation , which men are aduised to vse , so to make themselues ascend vp , the better , and the higher , to this dignitie . And , in fine , when they cannot instantly , obtaine these things , they discomfort , and afflict themselues . As , for example , not to care a straw , if anie bodie should speake ill of vs ; but rather to take more contentment in it , then when they praise vs ; To haue very little esteeme of our honour ; To be perfectly vntyed from the care of kindred , and friends ; and not to desire , to conuerse with them , but rather to be wearie of their companie , vnlesse they be persons of Prayer ; And manie other things of this kind , which must , in my opinion , come from the guift of Almightie God , because I hold them for Supernaturall blessings , and very contrarie to our owne Naturall inclination . And therefore , let them not be afflicted , but put their trust in our Lord ; that so , what now they haue in desire , his Diuine Maiestie may be pleased , to giue them afterward , with effect , and fruit , by meanes of Prayer , and by their doing , on their part , what they can . For , it is a most necessarie thing , for this weake , and poore Nature of ours , to place a great confidence in our B. Lord ; & not to put our selues out of hart , nor to thinke , but that , if we will proceed with courage , we shall be victorious ; and , because I haue much experience heerof , I will speake a word or two , by way of aduise , to your Reuerence . For , you must not thinke ( though it may appeare , as if it were true ) that anie vertue is already gained , vnlesse it be first compared , and experimented , by the Vice , which is contrarie to it . And we must alwaies remaine doubtfull , and suspitious , and not cast off our cares , as long as we are the owners of our liues . For , our weaknesses stick close , and fast to vs ; vnlesse ( as I was saying before ) the whole benefit be imparted to vs , by Diuine grace ; to the end , that we may know , what all the things of this life , are worth ; and that there is neuer anie such thing , as can be tearmed all , but in companie of manie dangers . It seemed to me , some few yeares agoe , that not only I was not inordinatly tyed , to the loue of anie of my kindred , but rather that I was wearie of them ; and it is really very true , that there were times , when I would not so much as endure their conuersation . But yet afterward , there occurred a certaine busines of much importance , which obliged me to remaine , with a certaine Sister of mine , whome formerly I had loued , with very extraordinarie affection . And now , being come againe , to conuerse with her , we suited not so very well , with one another . For , though she were better , then I , yet being of a different condition from mine , in regard that she was married , the conuersation was not alwaies that , which I could haue wished ; and therefore , I liked to be alone , as much as conueniently I might . But yet , after a while , I found , that her troubles , and affaires , brought me more resentment , and care , by much , then such others did , as belonged to anie Christian neighbour of mine , at large ; and this gaue me some little disgust , against my self ; for , so , in fine , I came to know , that I was not so very free , and vntyed , as I had formerly conceaued ; and that moreouer , I was to haue auoided the occasion , to the end , that so , this vertue , which our Lord had begunne to giue me , might haue gotten strength ; and I haue procured , through his Fauour , to proceed in this manner , euer since . When our Lord beginnes to impart a vertue to a Soule , it is to be held in great account ; and by no meanes , are we to expose it , to the danger of being lost . So is it in those things , which concerne reputation , and honour ; and so also , in others . And your Reuerence may well beleiue , that not all they , and we , who esteem our selues , to be absolutly vntyed from all things , are yet so , indeed ; and we haue need enough , not to be slack , or negligent heerin . For , whatsoeuer person there be , who feeles anie care at all , of anie one point of Honour , in himself , let him beleiue me , if he meane to profit in Spirit , that there is euer a certaine tye , at the end of it ; and it is , by such a kind of chaine , as that there is no File in the world , but God , and Prayer , and very much endeauour , on our part , which will possibly be able , to deuide it ; & it seemes to be so fast a knot , that I am amazed , to see the mischeif , which it brings . Sometimes I see certaine persons , who seem to be euen Saints , by their workes ; for , they doe so very manie , and so great ones , that the world doth euen admire them , and exclame , after this manner ; Deare God! and how comes it to passe , that such a Soule as that , doth still inhabit the Earth ? Is he not already , at the verie top of Perfection ? What is this ? And what can detaine such a man , from being a direct , and downe-right Saint , who doth so great things for God ? But my answer to this question , is , That this man , hath yet , perhaps , some little consideration , & care , of preseruing some point of Honour , for himself ; yea , and the worst of this busines , is , that he will , by no meanes , beleiue , that , in verie deed , there is anie such thing . And that happens , because sometimes , the Diuel makes him conceiue , that he is euen obliged , to haue a great care of it . Well ; yet let them harken to mee , I beseech them ; and * euen for the loue of our Blessed Lord , I begg of them , that they will beleiue this poore little miserable Ant , whome our Lord commands to speake ; That , vnlesse they free themselues from this Caterpiller , though perhaps it may not destroy the whole Tree , because some other vertues doe still , peraduenture , remaine , yet euen all those verie vertues , will be worme-eaten ; nor , will it euer be a beautifull Tree ; nor will it either thriue , or prosper , in it self ; no , nor yet so much as suffer such others to thriue , and prosper , as shall grow neer it ; for , the fruit of Good-Example , which it can giue , will not be wholesome , or sound ; nor last long . And I say , and say againe , that , when there is anie point of Honour to be maintained , how little soeuer that may be , it is like the Stopp of the Organ , whereof , when the Point , or Compasse , is in fault , the whole Musick is also then , in disorder . It is a vice , which is alwaies procuring hurt enough , to the Soule ; but in the way of Prayer , it is the verie pestilence it self . For then , we are going to procure to ioyne our selues , by way of Vnion , with Almightie God ; and we say , that we dispose our selues , to obserue , and follow the Councells of Christ our Lord , whome we find to be all loaden with iniuries , and false testimonies , against him ; and yet we must , forsooth , be carefull , to hold-vp our owne reputation , and honour , very right , and streight . But it is not possible , euer to ariue , at that iourneys end , without going by the same way , which he went. And our Blessed Lord comes approaching then , to a Soule , when we endeauour to concurr with him , and procure to depart , and descend , in manie things , from that , which is euen our right . But now some perhaps will say , I know not wherein that should be ; and I haue nothing of this kind , to offer vp , for his sake . Yet , for my part , I am apt to beleiue , that , whosoeuer hath indeed so generous a resolution , as this , his Diuine Maiestie , will ordaine him , so manie different wayes , for the gayning of this vertue , that perhaps , he would not wish , to haue had so manie . Let vs all therefore , put our hands to worke ; for , I am able to tell you , that the Nothings , and poore Littlenesses , or some of them , at least , ( which are those miserable Strawes , whereof I haue spoken , and which I cast into the fire ; for , I am fitt for nothing els ) are all admitted , and accepted , by our Blessed Lord ; and let him be praised for euer . Amongst the rest of my imperfections , I was subiect to this , for one . I had very little knowledge of the Breuiarie , and of all that , which was to be performed in the Quire ; and this hapned , by my being so very carelesse , and giuen to vanities ; and the while , I saw other Nouices , who were able to haue instructed me . Now , I forbore to aske them anie questions , for feare least they should know of my ignorance . But shortly after , a good example came before me ( for , this mercie , is vsually vouchsafed , by Almightie God ) and so , when he had a little opened mine eyes , I would then be content to aske , whatsoeuer I knew not most perfectly well , though for the most part , I knew it ; and thus , both I lost , forsooth , no honour , by the bargaine , and afterward , it seemed to me , that our Lord was pleased , to giue me a better memorie . I also knew , the Singing part , very ill ; and I was troubled , if I did not learne , what I was bidden ; yet , not this , because I failed , in what I should haue performed , as in the presence of our Lord ( for , that had been vertue in me ) but in regard , that there were so manie , who heard me ; and thus , I was so disordered , vpon the meer point of looking , forsooth , to mine honour , that really , I acquitted my self much worse , then I knew how to haue done , before . But afterward , I thought it fitter , to tell them plainely , that I could not doe that well , which , indeed , I could not doe . At the first , I had some difficultie also , euen in this ; but afterward , I tooke contentment in doing it . And really , it is very true , that , when once a bodie beginnes not to care , that she be knowne not to know a thing , she shall performe it much better . And when this base , vglie Honour , is once put out of the way ( this Honour , I meane , which euerie bodie places , where , and in what he will ) by these Nothings , which are really Nothing ( and I am sure , I am Nothing enough , whome such a Bable , could put to so much paine ) I was able to doe those things , better ; and thus , by performing such poore acts , and such miserable little things , as these , his Diuine Maiestie vouchsafes to giue them strength , and value , as hauing been performed , for his sake . He also helpes vs on , towards greater things ; and so did it happen to me , in matters concerning Humilitie , by my seeing , that they all profited , except my self ; for , I was neuer good , for anie thing . But ònly , when they went from the Quire , I would stay to fold-vp their Mantles ; for it seemed no lesse to me , then that they were , as so many Angells themselues , who sung the praises of Almightie God ; and still I vsed to doe it , till they came to heare of it ; but then , I was not a little ashamed . For , my vertue did not ariue so farre , as to desire , that they might know of it ; not yet , because I was humble , but only , that they might not laugh at me , for my labour , and for my being so absolutly good for nothing . O my deare Lord ; how meer a scorne , and shame is it , to see so great wickednes , as mine ; and find me reckon-vp such poore , and paltrie little graines of sand , as these , which yet also , I raised not out of the earth , for thy honour , and seruice , but all was wrapt vp , in a thousand miseries ; for , the water of thy Grace , had not yet sprung , and boyled-vp in mee , to make them rise . O thou , my deare Creatour , that I had something of worth , and substance , which I might recount , and present to thee , amongst so manie sinnes of mine ; since I am commanded , to relate those great Fauours , which I haue receaued from thee ! It is true , O my Lord , and my God , that I know not , how this hart of mine , can endure it ; not how anie Creature , who shall euer reade this Storie , can faile to abhorre me , when he sees such immense Fauours , as thine , so ill acknowledged , and thy self , so ill serued , for them ; and that I am no more ashamed , to relate , in fine , these little seruices , as if they were mine . And yet , O my deare Lord , I am ashamed , but only , my not haueing anie thing els , to recount , with anie colour , of being mine owne , makes me vnfold these , so base beginnings of mine ; to the end , that , whosoeuer may haue layd his owne , more solidly , and substantially vp , for thy seruice , may well haue good hope , by the meanes ; since he , who hath vouchsafed to accept my poore beginnings , in part of payment , will certainly receaue those others , better , which are greater . I humbly beseech his Diuine Maiestie , to giue me grace , at length , that I may not still continue in these things , which are but beginnings ; Amen . THE TWO AND THIRTIETH CHAPTER . She treats , hovvit pleased our Lord , to put her in Spirit , into a place of Hell , vvhich she sayd , she had deserued for her Sinnes . She relates , vvhat vvas represented to her there ; vvhich vvas but a kind of shaddovv , of such things , as are suffered in that place . She beginnes also , to declare the vvay , and manner , hovv that Monasterie vvas founded in Auila , vnder the name of S. Ioseph . AFter a long time , when our Blessed Lord had already done me manie of those Fauours , which I haue heer related ; as others also , which were very great ; I found one day , whilst I was in Prayer , though I could not tell , how , that I was placed in Hell. And I vnderstood , that our Lord was pleased , that I should see the place , which the * Diuels had prepared for me , and which I had deserued for my * Sinnes . This lasted but a very little space of time ; but yet , if I should liue manie yeares , I hold it for an impossible thing , that euer I should be able , to forget it . The entrie thereof , seemed * to me , to be , after the manner , of a long , and straite Lane ; or rather , as if it had been , a low , narrow , long , and darke Ouen . The ground seemed to be , as if it had been like water , all thickned with durt ; and it was both very filthie , and of a most pestilentiall smell , and had a multitude of loathsome vermine , as flyes , and wormes , and such other vglie creatures , in it . At the end of it , there was a certaine hollow place , as if it had been a kind of a little Presse , in a wall ; into which , I saw my self crowded , with great constraint . Now all that , was euen delightfull to the sight , in comparison of what I felt there ; and this , which I haue sayd of it already , I also find to be very imperfectly described . But , as for the Feeling part , the verie beginning to say what it was , is a thing , which can neither be well , no nor euen almost at all , related , as it was indeed ; in regard that I felt a certaine fire , in my verie Soule , though yet I know not , how to declare it , as indeed it was . For , all those almost insupportable torments , which I haue felt , with all extremi tie , in this life , and whereof the Physitians are wont to affirme , that euen in the Corporeall way , they are the greatest , which can be suffered in this world ; ( as namely , that shrinking-vp of all my Sinnewes , when I instantly grew lame by it ; besides manie other torments , in seuerall kindes ; as also that I haue been vexed much , by the Diuel ) are all no more , then absolutly iust nothing , in comparison of what I felt , in that place ; besides my knowing , ( with all this ) that no part of it , was euer to cease , but to continue , without euer haueing an end . And yet , euen all this , which I haue sayd , is also nothing , in comparison of that continuall agonizing of the Soule , that pressing , that stifling , which is so very sensible an affliction , togeather with that desperate kind of discontent , and disgust , and repining , which I am , no way , able to expresse . For , to say , that it is a continuall tearing of the Soule into fitters , is to say little ; since , in that case , it seemes , that it must be some other bodie , who teares it ; but , in this , the Soule it self , is the verie Executioner , which euen teares it self . There is , besides all that , another strange Ingredient , which is , that interiour kind of fire , and that vnspeakable despaire , vpon those intollerable torments , and sorrowes . I saw not , who it was , that inflicted these things ; but , me thought , I found my self to be sliced , and minced , and prest , and burnt , all at once . And I say , and say againe , that that interiour fire , and despaire , is the very worst of it all . Whilst I was in this most pestilentiall place , and that , without anie possibilitie of euer so much , as once hoping for anie comfort at all , there was no such thing , to be thought of , as sitting , or extending my self ; nor is there anie place voyd , to receaue one ; though yet they had put me into that thing , which is like a hole in a wall ; because euen those verie walls , which are also most hideous to the sight , doe euen presse their verie selues close , towards , and vpon one another ; and euerie thing there , helpes to choake . There is also no light in that place ; but all is grosse , and euen palpable darknes . For my part , I vnderstand not , how this can be ; for , with hauing no light at all , yet all that , which may be able to giue anie vexation to the Sight , is discerned , and seen . Our Lord was not pleased , at that time , that I should see anie more of Hell ; but afterward I had another Vision , of most fearefull things , and of the punishment of certaine particular vices . And , forasmuch as I might be able to discerne , and iudge of , by the sight , these seemed to be euen more hideous , then the former ; but yet , in regard , that I felt not the paine of it , they made me not so much afrayd . For in this other present Vision , our Lord was pleased , that I should really feele those torments , and afflictions in Spirit , euen as if my verie Bodie , had been suffering them there . * I know not , how all this could be ; but yet I vnderstood well enough , that it was a very great Fauour ; and that our Lord was pleased , that I should discerne , as euen by the verie sight of mine owne eyes , from whence his great mercie , had deliuered me . For it is nothing , to haue heard talke of it ; nor that , at other times , I had considered seuerall sorts of torments ; ( though yet I did it not often ; for I liked not that , very well , in regard of the feare it gaue me ) nor yet , that the Diuels are wont to teare men in peices , with hot pincers ; nor anie other thing , whereof I had read ; for , all , in fine , is nothing , if once it be compared to this ; Since this is wholy another kind of thing ; and the torments of this world , ( compared with this ) are no more , then a meer Picture , in comparison of the Life ; the verie burning , which is felt in this world , being but a verie trifle , in respect of that other . For my part , I remained astonished , and amazed at it , and so I am , euen whilst I am writing these things , though it hapned to me six yeares agoe . And it is a most reall truth , that euen now , in the verie place , where I am but thinking of them , the naturall heate of my bodie , beginnes to faile me , euen for verie feare . Not doe I euer remember , what passed then ; but that all my afflictions , and troubles , and whatsoeuer can be suffered in this life , seemed nothing to me ; and so also , me thinkes , it seemes , that , in part , we complaine heer , without reason . And therefore I say againe , that this was one of the greatest Fauours , that I euer receaued , in my whole life , at the hands of our Lord. For it * hath benefited me very much , both towards the making me loose all feare , and care , concerning the tribulations , and contradictions of this life ; as also , to giue me strength , towards the enduring them ; and finally , to render thankes to our Blessed Lord , for deliuering me ( as now I may hope ) from those terrible , and perpetuall torments . Since that time , as I was saying , there is nothing , which seemes not easie to me , in cōparison of one moment of that , which is to be suffered there . And I was in a very great wonder , that , hauing so often read diuerse Bookes , which giue me some notice of a part of the torments of Hell , I feared them so little , and held them in so small account , considering in what case I was then , and how it was possible for me , to receaue contentment in anie such thing , as finally was to carrie me on , to so wretched a place , as that is . Be thou eternally Blessed , O my God ; for , how well hast thou made it appeare , that thou louedst me incomparably better , then I doe my self ? How often , O my deare Lord , hast thou deliuered me ; from that darke , and horrible Dungeon ? and how often haue I returned , to cast my self in , thither , againe , euen against thy will ? From hence also I got a facilitie , to be in very great paine , for the manie Soules of these Lutherans , which are condemned to Hell ; and especially , because they had once been members of the Holy Catholique Church , by their Baptisme . I gained also great impulses , to doe good to Soules ; and really , it seemes to me , to be very certaine , that , for the sauing of anie of them , from so greiuous , and euerlasting torments , I could suffer manie deaths , with a very good will. For , I consider , that if we see a person in this world , whome we loue , vndergoe anie great affliction , or paine , it seemes , that euen our naturall disposition inuites vs , to haue compassion of the case ; and so much as that paine is greater , so much the more . And therefore , now , to see a Soule , which is , for euer , to be enchained , to the enduring of that supreame affliction , and miserie of all miseries , who shall be able to beare it , and what hart , can euer brooke it , without strange trouble ? And since we are moued heer , to so much compassion of men , whose miseries haue yet a tearme prefixed , ( and at the furthest , they are to end with their liues ) how shall we be able to get patience , for thinking of the infinit torments of those others , considering , what a huge number of Soules , the Diuel is daily carrying into Hell ? This consideration also makes me desire , that , in a busines of so mightie importance , we may not be satisfyed with lesse , then the doeing of the very vttermost we can , on our part ; and that we leaue nothing at all , vnattempted , to secure our selues by that meanes ; and I humbly beseech our Blessed Lord , to giue vs all , his grace , for this purpose . When I consider , that , howsoeuer I were formerly most wicked , yet had I some little care , to ferue Almightie God ; not yet , did I then commit certaine things , which are taken and swallowed downe , by the world , as familiarly , as to turne the hand . And , with this , I endured huge sicknesses ; and I did it , with that great patience , which our Lord was pleased to giue me , for that purpose ; and I was also not inclined to murmure , and detract , or to speake hardly of anie Creature ; nay , it seemes to me , as if I scarce had power , to with anie bodie anie ill ; nor was I couetous , nor enuious , ( for anie thing , that I could euer remember ) at least , to anie such proportion , as might result to the great offence of Almightie God. And some other things also there are , wherein ( though I were very wicked ) I had vsually , the feare of Almightie God before me . And yet , notwithstanding all this , I see where the Diuels * had taken vp , and prouided my lodgeing ; and it is true , that , considering what my faults had been , it seemed to me , that I yet deserued more punishment . But howsoeuer , vpon the whole matter , I declare , that it was a most horrible torment ; and and that it is a dangerous thing , that the Soule should take contentment , and be at rest , which is falling , euerie minute , into Mortall Sinne. Nay rather , for the loue of Almightie God , let vs remoue all the occasions thereof ; for , our Lord will help vs all , as he hath done me . And I humbly beseech his Diuine Maiestie , not to giue ouer , to hold me fast , in his hand , least , if he doe , I returne to fall ; for , in that case , I see already , what is to become of me for euer ; but I beseech our B. Lord againe , not to suffer it , euen for his owne mercies sake , Amen . But now , after my seeing all this , as also manie other great things , and secrets , which our Lord , through his owne mercie , was pleased to shew me , concerning the Glorie , which is designed in the next life , for the good , and the Torments , for the wicked ; and I procuring now , to light vpon some way , or meanes , whereby I might doe Pennance , for so much ill , as I had committed , and might be able also , to doe somewhat , towards the obtaining of so great a good , I desired , euen to fly out of the sight of mankind , and now at length , once for all , to deuide my selfe from the world , and to part from it . And my hart would now be quiet no longer , but yet was not that disquiet of mine , anie troublesome kind of thing , but rather of contentment , and gust ; and it was euident , that it came from Almightie God ; and that his Diuine Maiestie had giuen heate enough , to this Soule of mine , for the disgesting of other , and stronger meates , then she had formerly taken . * And now , I beganne to consider , what I might possibly he able to doe , for Almightie God ; and the first thing , I thought , was to follow that first Call , which his Diuine Maiestie had giuen me , to leade a Religious Life ; and that , by the Obseruance of my Rule , with the greatest perfection , that I could practise . And though there were , in the Monasterie , wherein I found my self at that time , manie Seruants of Almightie God , by whome he was very much serued , in that place , yet in regard , they wanted temporall meanes , manie of the Religious woemen , were cast into a kind of necessitie , to goe abroad sometimes , for releife of the House ; but yet they did it so , as to passe , with all kind of chastitie , and pietie . And besides , that House was not founded according to the first rigour of the Rule ; but only the same Rule , was obserued , in conformitie with all the rest of the Order , according to the Bulles of Relaxation , and dispensation . There were also , some other inconueniences ; and besides , it seemed to me , that the place was of much Regalo , in regard , that it was , both large , and pleasant . But especially , the inconuenience of going sometimes out of the Monasterie , was growne to be a very great one for me ; though formerly , I had been one , who made most familiar vse of it my self ; in regard that sometimes , some persons , whome the Superiours ( being importuned ) could not well refuse , tooke contentment , that I should accompanie them , who went abroad . And , by this meanes , according to the vse , which was held , I might grow by degrees , to remaine very little in the Monasterie . The Diuel also would be sure to helpe , to be partly a meanes , that I might remaine little at home ; for alwaies , by my imparting to some of the Religious there , those good things , which I had learnt of others , with whome I vsed to conuerse , they receaued much aduantage and good . But yet once , being there with a certaine person , it hapned , that she sayd , both to me , and others : What say you , if we should become , like those Religious woemen , who goe barefoot ; for perhaps , it may be possible , in time , to make some Monasterie of that kind ? But now I , hauing also these verie same desires , beganne to treat the busines , with that Widdow , my Companion , and Friend , of whome I spake before ; who had also the same desire with me . Vpon this , she beganne to cast , how to endue it with Rent ; but I came quickly to find , that there was no great probabilitie of that ; though the desire , which we had thereof , made vs yet beleiue , that it might perhaps , take effect . But I , on the other side , ( finding great contentment , in the House , where I was , because it was much according to mine owne minde ; and the Cell , wherein I liued , was of very great conuentences for me , ) suspended my self , from being earnest , in the execution of that other designe ; though yet , we did resolue , to recommend it , in particular manner , to Almightie God. And one day , as soone as I had Communicated , his Diuine Maiestie commanded me , in earnest manner , to endeauour it , to the verie vtter most of my power . And he was pleased to make me great promises , that the Monasterie should not faile to be made ; and that he would be serued much in it ; and that it should be called by the name of S. Ioseph ; and that himself , would keepe vs safe , at one of the gates , and his Mother our B. Ladie , at the other ; and that Christ our Lord would continue with vs ; and that the place should proue , to be euen a Starre , which would yeild great brightnes , and splendour , of it self ; and that , though other Religious Orders , were then relaxed , men must not thinke , that he was but little serued by them ; and what should become of the world , if it were not for Religious persons ? And that I should tell my Ghostlie Father , that he had commanded me all this ; and that he wished him , not to oppose it , nor to diuert me from it . And this Vision , which our Blessed Lord was pleased to giue me , was followed by so great effects , that the Speech , which was vsed therein , was such , and vttered in such a manner , that I could not possibly doubt , but that it was he . How soeuer , I was still , in extreame paine , because the great disquiets , and troubles , which I was sure the thing would cost , did partly represent themselues , to me ; and considering , how extreamly well content I was , in that first House ; and though formerly I had treated of this other busines , yet it was not with anie such resolution , and certaintie , as if it might be sure , to take effect . Now , heer it seemed to me , that the reward set it self instantly before me , for the doing it ; but yet , when I saw , that it was likelie to be a thing of very great disquiet , and trouble , I was still in a kind of doubt , what I would finally doe . And yet , they were so manie seuerall times , that our Lord renewed his Speech to me , vpon this subiect , ( representing so manie causes , and reasons , for it ) that I saw clearly enough , that it was his will. So that now , I thought no more of anie thing els , but only to acquaint my Ghostlie Father , with it ; and so I gaue him all that , which had occurred , in writing . As for him , he durst not resolutly will me , to giue it ouer ; but saw , that there was little apparance , to carrie it through , according to the discourse of naturall reason ; in regard , that my Companion , and Freind , who was the onlie person , who was to doe it , had very little , or no meanes , to effect it . He wished me , to treat of it with the Prelate , who was my Superiour ; and that I should doe therein , what he ordained . But I spake not of these Visions , with that Prelate ; but that Ladie treated with him , and told him , that she desired to erect a new Monasterie ; and the Prouinciall did very gladly giue way ; for he was a freind of all Religious Obseruance , and Pietie ; and so he afforded all the fauour , which was needfull ; and told her , that he would admit , and accept the House . They spake then , of the Reuenue , which it was to haue ; and we neuer inclined , to let it consist of more , then Thirteen Religious ; & this , for manie reasons . But , before we beganne to treat of the matter , thus farre , we wrote to the holie man , Fray Pedro de Alcantara , and acquainted him , with all that , which passed ; and he counsailed vs to proceed in this designe ; and he sent vs his opinion , vpon the whole busines . But now , this purpose of ours , was no sooner knowne ouer the Towne , then there did instantly grow , to be such a persecution against vs , as cannot be written , in few words . The scoffes , the icares , the laughing , the saying that it was a Foolerie , and senselesse toy ; That , for my part , I was well enough in my Monasterie ; but for my Companion , and freind , they cast such a loade of persecution vpon her , that they euen ouerlayd her . As for me , I knew not , what to doe ; for me thought , that they had partly some reason . But being thus distressed , and recommending my self one day , to Almightie God , his Diuine Maiestie beganne to comfort , and encourage me , and told me , that now I might see , through what difficulties those Saints had passed , who had founded the Religious Orders of the Church ; and that we were to passe through manie more persecutions , then I could imagine ; but that yet , we should not be troubled , at all . He told me also some things , which I was to deliuer to my Companion ; and the thing , at which I wondred most , was , that instantly we were comforted , in respect of all that , which was past ; and encouraged for all that , which was to be future . And it is certaine , that there was not , in all that Towne , anie one person of Prayer ; nay , in fine , there was scarce anie one at all , who did not oppose vs , at that time , and who thought not this designe , to be a most senslesse thing . There were so manie ieasts , and learings , and stirres , in our verie Monasterie , that now euen the Prouinciall opposed himself stifly , against vs ; and he changed his former opinion , and now would no longer admit the House ; but sayd , that the Rent was both little , and besides , not very secure ; and that there was very great contradiction . He seemed to haue reason in all ; and , in fine , he gaue-ouer the busines , and would not admit the House . Now we , who had already receaued the first blowes , vpon our owne heads , were greatly troubled at it ; but particularly , it struck me much , that the Prouinciall was now found , to be opposite ; for if he had still liked it , my self had been excused , and discharged , with all the world . But yet , they were not so fauourable , to my Companion ; for , her they would not absolue , but left her to her self ; yea and they sayd , that she was obliged to take away the scandall . She went therefore , to a great learned man , and a great Seruant of God , of S. Dominick's Order , to tell him , what had passed ; and , indeed , to giue him account , of the whole busines . And this was , before the Prouinciall had giuen it ouer ; for , now there was no Creature in the whole Towne , who would giue vs anie opinion , in the Case ; and therefore , they might well affirme , as they did , that we proceeded , in all this , of our owne heads . But that Ladie made relation of the whole busines , to this holie man ; and acquainted him with the Rent , which she meant to settle vpon it , out of her owne Estate , with much desire , that he would assist vs ; for , he was the greatest learned man , in all that Towne , at that time ; and perhaps , there were not manie , more learned , in his whole Order . I told him also , of all that , which we intended to doe , and some motiues thereof ; but I acquainted him not , with anie Reuelation of mine , but only with those naturall reasons , which moued me . For , I desired not , that he should giue vs anie opinion , but according to them ; And he , on the other side , wished , that we would giue him the rearme of eight dayes , wherein to answer . He asked vs also then , whether we were resolued to doe that verie thing , which he should direct ; and I told him , we were . But though I sayd thus much ; and , me thinkes , I would haue done , as I sayd , yet did I neuer loose assurance , that the Monasterie , in fine , would be made . My Companion had yet a stronger Faith ; for , whatsoeuer they might say to her , she would neuer giue-ouer to execute the designe . But now , though I held it impossible , but that the worke would be done ( so assuredly did I beleiue , that the Reuelation aforesayd , was true , ( prouided alwaies , that it were found to containe nothing , either against Holie Scripture , or the Decrees of the Church , which we are bound to beleiue , and obserue ) yet ( howsoeuer ( as I said before ) I conceaued that that Reuelation was really of Almightie God ) if still that learned man had told me , that we could not effect the thing , without offending his Diuine Maiestie , and that we should haue sinned against good Conscience , by procuring it , I conceiue that I should instantly haue giuen it ouer , and sought-out some other meanes , for my releif ; but , for the present , our Lord imparted none , but this , to me . But now , this Seruant of Almightie God , told me , that he had taken this busines into his care , togeather with a full resolution , to employ himself earnestly , in procuring , that we might giue-ouer our purpose ; because the clamour of the people against it , had already come to his notice ; and so also , had it appeared to euerie Creature , to be an impertinencie ; and besides , that a certaine Cauallier of the Towne , as soone as he had vnderstood , that we intended to speake with the Father , sent to him , to aduise him , to consider well what he did ; and that by no meanes , he should help vs ; yet , that now , himself , beginning to consider , what he was to answer vs , and to reflect seriously vpon the busines , and vpon the intention , which we had , and with what good order , and Religious manner we proceeded , he resolued , in fine , that it would be a thing , resulting much , to the Seruice of Almightie God ; and that we should , by no meanes , forbeare , to put it in execution . And , in conformitie to this , his answer was , That we should make what hast we could , to conclude it ; And he also let vs know his opinion , of the way , and manner , which we were best to hold in it ; and that , though the Rent were little , yet Almightie God was to be trusted with somewhat ; And that for his part , he desired , that whosoeuer should contradict , or oppose it , might be sent to him ; for he would know very well , what to answer ; And accordingly , he assisted vs euer , as I shall declare heerafter . With this , we went , much comforted , away ; as also , in that we found , how some holie persons of that place , who formerly had been opposite to vs , grew now to be appeased ; and some of them , did also assist vs ; and amongst them , was that holie Caualier , of whome I made mention before . Who , in regard that our pretence seemed to aspire to great perfection , as indeed it doth , ( because it is wholy grounded in Prayer ) he gaue-vp this opinion , and Vote , That , howsoeuer the meanes , whereby things must be effected , seemed to carrie much difficultie with them , and to be without great apparance of successe , yet perhaps , that it might fall-out to be of Almightie God. Now , it may be , that our Blessed Lord disposed him , to be of this minde ; and the Doctour also , that Preist , and Seruant of Almightie God , whome I related to haue voted first , and who is the verie Mirrour of all that Towne , & the person , whome Almightie God perserues there , for the good of manie Soules , was now also growne already to assist me in the busines . And thus we were come to this condition , by the helpe of manie Prayers ; and now already , we had bought the House , in a good part of the Towne , though but a poore one ; but I value not that , at all ; for , our Lord had told me before , that I should enter , as well as I could , and that afterward , I should find , what his Diuine Maiestie would doe ; and that , haue I seen well performed . And so , although I found , that we had but little meanes , yet I beleiued , that our Blessed Lord would take order , that we should be fauoured , by other wayes . THE THREE AND THIRTIETH CHAPTER . She proceedes in the same Subiect of the Foundation of the Monasterie of the Glorious S. Ioseph . She declares , hovv she vvas commanded to attend to that busines ; and of the time , vvhen she forbore to follovv it ; and of some troubles , vvich she had ; and hovv she vvas comforted in them , by our Blessed Lord. THis busines being now in such case , and so neer the point of finall dispatch , that they were to draw-vp the Writings the verie next day following , it fell out to be iust then , when our Prouincial grew to change his latter opinion , and returne to his former , and I beleiue , he was moued to it , by Diuine ordination , as we shall see afterward . For , our Prayers , hauing been so manie , as indeed they were , it seemes that our Blessed Lord went perfecting the worke , and appointing that it should be dispatched , though after a different manner , from what we conceiued . But when once the sayd Prouincial had formerly refused to admit of the House , my Ghostlie Father gaue me a commandment , that I should now , thinke no more of that matter . And yet , our Lord best knowes , what troubles , and afflictions , it had cost me , before I could euer bring it to that state , and condition , wherein then it was . But now , the thing being giuen ouer , all that former imputation was confirmed ; Namely , that it was nothing , but an impertinencie of woemen ; and their murmurings came particularly vpon me ; though , till that time , the Prouincial had commanded it , to be done . In the meane while , I grew to be very ill beloued , in the Monasterie , because I went about to make a new one , which might be of more strict Inclosure . For they sayd , That I affronted them , by it ; and , That God might be as well serued there ; and , That there were better amongst them , then my self ; and , that now , they discouered well enough , that I carried no true loue , to that House ; That it had been much better done , to procure to get Reuenues , and Rents , for that place , then for anie other . Yea and now , there wanted not some , who aduised , that I might be carried to Prison ; and there were but very few , who did , in anie kind , take my part . As for me , I saw , that they had reason , in very much , of what they sayd ; and sometimes , I would be making my excuses , though yet I were not able to tell them the cheif motiue thereof , which was , that I had been commanded to doe it , by our Blessed Lord. I knew not therefore well , what to say ; and so I thought it fitter , to hold my peace . At other times , it pleased our Lord , to doe me very great Fauours ; for , this of the Monasterie , put me now , to no disquiet at all ; but I gaue it ouer , with as much facilitie , and gust , as if it had neuer cost me anie paines , or care . Yet this , could no Creature beleiue , no not euen those persons of Prayer , with whome I conuersed ; but they conceaued , that I was full of trouble , yea and of shame ; and euen my Ghostlie Father himselfe , did not absolutly beleiue the contrary . But , as for me , when I considered , that I had done whatsoeuer I could , on my part , I thought I was no further obliged , to the effecting of what our Lord had commanded me . I remained still , in the Monasterie ; and I found my self with much contentment , and gust ; yet euen still , I knew not well , how to imagine , but that the thing , would be done , sooner , or later ; and of this , I had no feare at all , though I knew not , either how , or when ; but only I beleiued , that it would be certainly done . That , which troubled me extreamly , was , that once my Ghostlie Father gaue me a great Mortification , as if I had done somewhat against his will. But , it seemes , our Lord was pleased , that I should be in some affliction , euen by occasion of that , which was most tender , and deare , to me . For , whilst I was in this multitude of persecutions , when I expected , that some kind of comfort would be coming towards me , he wrote me a Letter , to this effect : That * now he hoped . I saw , by what occurred , that all had been nothing , but a Dreame ; That I should doe well , to reforme my self heerafter , so farre , as not to pretend , to meddle anie more with any busines , nor to be talking any more of this , in particular ; for that , I could not , but see well enough , what a scandall was growne vpon it ; and other things he also sayd , which did all serue for nothing at all , but only , to put me to paine . This , I confesse , gaue me more trouble , then all those other things , put togeather ; as conceauing , or at * least , as doubting , whether I might not haue been the occasion , of all the ill , which had hapned ; and whether I might not haue committed some such errour , as whereby Almightie God , might haue been offended ; nay , whether these Visions of mine , had not been Illusions ; and so consequérly , whether my whole course of Prayer , had not been of the Diuel ; and whether , finally , I were not then , in a plaine state of errour , and perdition . This , I confesse , oppressed me , with so great extremitie , that I grew to be all , in disorder , and subiect to extreame affliction . But our Lord , who was neuer wanting to me , in all those troubles of mine , which I haue expressed , was often pleased to comfort , and strengthen me ; though I need not stand heer , to relate it . And he told me also then , that I should not vex my self ; That I had greatly serued his Diuine Maiestie , in that busines ; and not offended him at all ; That , for the present , I should doe , what my Ghostlie Father had commanded me , in holding my peace , till it should be fitt to renew the busines . And , in the meane time , I remained full of contentment , and consolation ; and I held all that persecution , for nothing , which had come vpon me , till then . But now , by this meanes , I was taught , by our Blessed Lord , what a very great benefit it is , to endure troubles , and persecutions , for his sake . For , so much was the loue of Almightie God encreased in my Soule , by this meanes , as were also manie other vertues , that I was amazed at it ; and this , in fine , is the reason , why I cannot but desire afflictions , and troubles . But the while , those other persons , thought , that I was extreamly out of countenāce , with what had hapned ; and certainly I should haue been so , indeed , if our Lord had not been pleased , to comfort me so highly , with that great Fauour . But then did those strong impulses , and impetuosities of the Loue of Almightie God , whereof I haue formerly spoken , beginne to encrease , more and more ; and I also came to haue greater Rapts ; though yet , I acquainted no Creature , with the gaine , which I had gotten by it . In the meane time , that holie man , the Dominican , did neuer giue-ouer to beleiue , that the busines would be sure to take effect , euen as well , as I beleiued it , my self . But I would take no knowledge of that , because I was resolued , not to swarue from what I had been commanded , by my Ghostlie Father . The Dominican negotiated also the Busines , together with my Companion , and friend ; and they wrote about it , to Rome , and made their Propositions , there . And the while , did the Diuel heer , by carrying things , from one person to another , procure to make it knowne , that I had had some Reuelation , in this busines . Vpon this , some came to tell me , with a great deale of apprehension , and feare , that I should doe well , to looke to my self ; and that the times were strict , and shrewd ; and that , perhaps , men might lay some things to my charge , and goe on , euen to the Inquisitours , by way of complaint . But this , I confesse , made me sport , and I beganne , to laugh at it ; for it was neuer my case , to be affraid of anie such thing as this ; as knowing very well , of my self , that in all things , which concerned Catholique Faith , yea euen to the least Ceremonie of the Church , I was totally , for it ; and that also , for the least word of Holie Scripture , I would expose my self , a thousand times , to death . And therefore I desired them , not to trouble themselues , concerning me , in this point ; and that my Soule were miserable enough , and too much , if anie such thing could be found in it , as might put me into anie feare of the Inquisition ; That , if I thought , there were anie ground , or cause , my self would be the first , to goe thither ; and that if it were a slaunder , raised vp against me , our Lord would deliuer me , from it ; and I should proue the Gainer , by that Bargaine . Now , I treated of this matter , with the Dominican Father , who ( as I sayd ) was so very learned a man , that I might well assure my self , vpon whatsoeuer he should declare to me heerin . And I told him then , vpon this occasion , with the greatest clearnes , that I could possibly vse , of all the Visions , which I had had ; and of the manner of Prayer , which I had vsed ; and of the great Fauours , which our Blessed Lord had been pleased to doe me ; and I humbly prayed him , to consider all these things , very well ; and to let me vnderstand , if there were anie thing at all , in anie of them , against Holie Scripture ; and that also , he would acquaint me , with the iudgement , which he made thereof . Now , all this he did ; and so , setled and secured me , very much ; and I grow to be also of opinion , that this accident , was of much aduantage , euen to him . For , though he were formerly , very good , yet he gaue himself , much more to Prayer , from that time forward ; and withdrew himself , to a certaine retired Monasterie , of his owne Order , which was a place of great Solitude , and silence ; to the end , that so , he might exercise himself the better , in Prayer . He remained there , aboue two yeares ; and then , Obedience to his Order , tooke him from thence ; for which he was sorrie enough . But they had need of such a man , as he was ; & I was no lesse greiued , when he went from me , through the great want , which I was sure , I should haue of him ; though yet I knew , withall , that he would be a gainer , by it . And whilst I was in paine , about his iourney , our Lord bad me be comforted , and not troubled , for that he went away , to good purpose . And indeed , he came back againe afterward , with his Soule , so well improued , and aduanced , in the way of Spirit , that himself told me , at his returne , how he would not , for anie thing of this world , but that he had gone . And I also , could say the same ; for , whereas he had formerly giuen me assurances , and comforts , but only by his Letters , he was now growne able to doe it also , through the great experience , which he was come to haue in Spirit , and of Supernaturall things . And it also pleased Almightie God , to bring him back to vs , at such a time , as when his Diuine Maiestie saw , that there would be need of him , for assisting his worke concerning this Monasterie , which , his will was , should goe forward . But , in the meane time , I remained in silence , for a matter of some fiue , or six moneths ; not hearing , or saying anie thing , of this businesse ; nor did our Blessed Lord command me anie thing , about it ; nor vnderstood I the reason thereof ; but yet still , I could not part with the beleif , but that the busines would be done , sooner , or later . But at the end of that time aforesayd , the Rectour of the Colledge of the Societie of IESVS , who had been there , till then , being now to remoue from hence , his Diuine Maiestie brought another to be in his place , who was a very Spirituall person , and of great courage , and vnderstanding , and Learning ; and he came , at a certaine time , when I was in very great need of helpe . For , in regard , that he , who was my Ghostlie Father , had a Superiour ouer himself , and by reason that they haue this vertue in perfection , not so much as once to stirre , but in conformitie to the will of their Superiours ; and though this Ghostlie Father of mine , had a very good vnderstanding of my Spirit , and desired , that I might profit , & proceed , he yet aduentured not to conclude some things , with a firme resolution , for diuers reasons , which he had for it , And on the other side , my Spirit did presse already , to passe on , with certaine impulses , and impetuosities , which were so great , that I found it a very troublesome thing , to be tyed short ; and yet for all this , I resolued , not to exceed those bounds at all , which he had prescribed . And being one day , in much affliction , as conceauing , that my Ghostlie Father did not beleiue me , it pleased our B. Lord , to require me , not to trouble my self ; affirming , that that difficultie would be soone at an end . For my part , I was much ioyed by this , as conceauing , that I was quickly to dye ; and I was wont particularly to reioyce , when I remembred it . But afterward , I saw clearly , that his Speech , concerned the coming of this new Rectour , of whome I spake ; and afterward , I neuer had anie occasion to be in paine , in regard that this sayd new Rectour , contradicted not the Sub-Rectour , who was my Confessarius ; but rather * directed him , to giue me comfort , and scope ; and that there was no cause of feare ; and that he should not conduct my Soule , by such straight , & narrow wayes , and with such restrictions ; but should permit the Spirit of our Lord , to worke in me . For indeed , at some times it seemed , that by reason of those great impetuosities of Spirit , the Soule had scarce roome , for so much as to breath . I went then , to visit this Rectour ; and my Ghostlie Father required me , to treat with him , with all libertie , and clearnes . As for me , I was wont , to find very great difficultie , to declare my self in that kind ; but yet really , it is very true , that euen at my verie first entrance into the Confessionarie , I felt a kind of , I cannot tell , what , to call it , in my Spirit , which I remember not , my self to haue euer found , by occasion of anie Creature , either before , or after ; nor can I distinctly tell , how it was ; nor yet am I able , to expresse it fully , by anie way of Comparison . But it was a certaine Spirituall ioy , and a kind of vnderstanding , which my Soule had , that the Soule of that man , would be able to vnderstand me ; and that there would be a kind of conformitie in iudgement , between vs two , although ( as I was saying ) I vnderstood not , how . If indeed , I had euer spoken with him before ; or if others had peraduenture giuen me anie great newes of the man , it had not been very strange , that it should ioy me , when I came to vnderstand , that he was to heare me . But neither he , nor I , had euer spoken word to one another ; nor was there anie one , by whose meanes , I had euer had anie notice at all , of him ; and yet , since that time , I haue seen very well , that my Spirit deceaued me not ; because it hath been of great aduantage in all kinds , both to my Soule , and me , to treat with him . For , his kind of conuersation , and way of conference , and communication , is a thing of great importance , for such persons , as our Lord seemes to haue forwarded much , in the way of Spirit ; for , he makes them runne-on apace , and not goe , foot by foot . And his manner is , to vntye them soundly , and totally , from all Creatures ; and to put them , to the exercise , and practise of Mortification ; for , in this , our Blessed Lord hath imparted a most particular talent to him , as he hath also done , in manie other things . Now , as soone as I beganne to communicate my affaires with him , I instantly vnderstood his stile , and way of proceeding ; and I found , that he had a holie , and pure Soule ; and that our Lord had giuen him a particular tallent in the trying , and knowing of Spirits . So that I was comforted , both much , and very soone , after I had once communicated with him ; and our Blessed Lord beganne againe , to presse me , towards a treating of the Busines of the Monasterie ; and that I should declare , both to my Ghostlie Father , and to this Rectour , the manie grounds , and reasons , why they were not to disswade , and diuert me from it ; and some of them , made them hartily afrayd to doe it . For , this Father Rectour , neuer did so much as doubt , but that it was the Spirit of Almightie God , because he had beheld , and considered the effects , with very great studie , and care . In fine , after the consideration of manie things , they durst not presume to diuert me ; and my Ghostlie Father did againe giue me leaue , to vse all the endeauour I could ; and yet , I was able , to see very well , what a great deale of trouble it would giue me , in regard I was so vtterly alone , and had very little power , to effect anie thing . But we agreed , that it should be carried with great priuacy ; and therefore I procured , that a certaine Sister of mine , who liued els-where , should buy , and build the House , as if it were for her self ; and that it should be done with monie , which our Lord found meanes . by certaine wayes , wherewith to pay for it . But it would be a long busines , to tell you , how his Diuine Maiestie , went prouiding it ; for , as for me , I desired to be very sure , to doe nothing , which might be against Obedience . But I was not then to learne , that , if I told anie thing to the Superiours of my Order , the whole Busines would be lost , as it was before ; yea and that , if I did so now , it would fall-out to be worse . In the point of getting monie , for making the bargaine for a Seate , and for building also the House , I endured manie troubles ; and some of them , all alone ; though yet my Companion , and freind , did also the best she could . But , in fine , she could doe little , and indeed so very little , that , vpon the matter , it was a kind of nothing , but only to take vpon her the name , and to lend it her countenance ; for , all the rest of the trouble , I was mine ; and it came vpon me , so very manie wayes , that I doe euen wonder , now , how I was able , to endure it , then . Sometimes , when I was full of affliction , I would be vttering my self , to Almightie God , after this manner : O my deare Lord , how comest thou to command me things , which seem impossible ? For , though I be a woeman , yet if I had libertie , perhaps something might be done ; but being tyed vp , in all respects , without monie , and without knowing , where to get anie , whereby either the Breue , or anie thing els , may be had , what can I doe , O Lord ? But being once in a certaine necessitie , and not knowing , which way to turne my self ; and not being able to pay the workmen , S. Ioseph , my true Father , and Patron , appeared to me , and told me , that , monie would not be wanting to me ; and therefore , that I should make the agreement ; and so I did , euen when I had no monie at all ; and afterward , our Blessed Lord prouided it , by so strange wayes , that they , who heard of it , were amazed . But now , me thought , the House shewed to be very little ; and indeed , it was so , and in that extremitie , that it seemed not capable , of being euer able to be a Monasterie ; and I had a good minde , to buy another House ; but neither had I , wherewithall to doe it , nor otherwise , anie meanes to procure it ; though there were yet , a very little one , ioyning to it , whereof a Church might be made . But after I had Communicated , one day , our Lord sayd thus to me : I haue already vvilled thee , to beginne , as thou mayest . And then , after the manner of exclamation , he sayd thus also to me : O the touetousues of the race of mankinde ; vvhich thinkes , that it shall vvant euen earth , vpon vvhich to tread ! Hovv often haue I slept in the open ayre , as not knovving , vvhere to lay my head ? Vpon this , I was amazed , and found that he had reason ; and so I went to that little House , and ordered it . And though it were very little , yet it was iust fitt , to make such a kind of Monasterie ; and I made it no more my busines , to compasse a larger Seate , but procured , to build vpon that , in such sort , as it might be fitt to be inhabited , all course , and rude , and without anie other misterye , but only , that it might not be hurtfull , in point of health ; and so it shall euer remaine . Vpon the day of S. Clare , I going to receaue the B. Sacrament , she appeared to me , in very great beautie , and bad me be of a good courage , and goe on , in the worke which I had begunne ; and that she would assist me . And this hath proued so true , that a Monasterie of Religious woemen , of her Order , which is neer this ; doth help to sustaine , and feed vs ; and ( which yet is more ) she hath , by little and little , brought this desire of mine , to such perfection , that the self-same pouertie , which that Blessed Saint established in her House , is exercised also in this ; and we liue of Almes ; which point , hath cost me no small trouble , in getting it confirmed , by His Holines ; and to be further also established , in such sort , as that no innouation may be made , not the House be euer capable of Rent . And now doth our Blessed Lord euen more then this ; and perhaps , the same may grow , by the intercession of this Blessed Saint ; for , his Diuine Maiestie prouides vs with all things necessarie , in most compleat manner , without our euer asking anie thing , of anie Creature . Let him be Blessed for all things , Amen . But I , being about that time , vpon the Day of the Assumption of our B. Ladie , in a certaine Monasterie of the Glorious S. Dominick's Order , I was considering the manie Sinnes of my former time , ( which I had Confessed in that House ) and the accidents of my wicked life ; and suddainly , there came so great a Rapt vpon me , that it tooke me , in effect , wholy out of my self . I then sat downe ; and yet it seemed to me , that I was not able , either to heare Masse , or so much , as to see the Eleuation ; for which , I remained afterward , with some scruple . Now , it seemed to me , that , whilst I found my self in that condition , I was apparrelled with a certaine * Garmēt of much whitenes , and clearnes ; and at the first , I could not tell , who it was , that cloathed me ; but afterward , I saw our B. Ladie , on the right hand , and my Father , S. Ioseph , on the left , who apparelled me then , with that Robe ; and it was giuen me to be vnderstood , that I was now growne , to be cleansed , from my Sinnes . When thus I was apparelled , and found my self full of ioy , and glorie , it instantly seemed to me , that our B. Ladie layd hold vpon me , and told me , That it contented her much , to see me serue the Glorious S. Ioseph ; That I was to beleiue , that , what I pretended , concerning the Monasterie , should be effected ; and , That our Lord , and they two , would be much serued , there ; That I must not be afrayd , that euer there would be anie failing therein , howsoeuer some commandments , which might fall out to be imposed vpon me , would not be according to my gust ; for , euen themselues , in fine , would defend , and keep vs ; That her Sonne had already promised , that he would be , and remaine with vs ; and in testimonie that all this should proue true , she cast a faire , and bright Chaine of gold about my neck , with a Crosse fastned to it , of great value . But this Gold , and these Pretious Stones , are so very different from those of this world , that there is no manner of comparison between them ; for , the beautie of these , is farre other , then anie thing , which we can imagine heer . Nor doth humane Vnderstanding ariue to know , of what the Garment was made ; nor how to fancie that cleare whitenes to it selfe , which our Lord is pleased to represent ; for , all that , of this inferiour world , is no better , then a kind of scratch , with a coale , as a man may say , in respect of the other . The beautie also , which I saw in our B. Ladie , was excessiue , though yet I could not determine the forme , or figure of anie particular part , which I might assigne her , but only the frame , and ayre of the whole face togeather . She was apparrelled in white , with excesse of splendour ; but yet of no such kind , as dazles , but most dearly sweet . As for the Glorious S. Ioseph , I saw not him so clearly ; though yet , I well perceaued , that he was there ; like those Visions , whereof I spake , which are not seen . Our B. Ladie , was extraordinatily young ; and she remained with me , a very little while ; and I had excessiue glorie , and gust by it ; and more , in my opinion , then euer I had enioyed before ; and I would certainly haue been glad enough , if I might neuer haue left it . It seemed to me , that I saw them both , ascend to Heauen , with a very great multitude of Angells ; and I , the while , remained in much Solitude ; though yet withall , so comforted , and eleuated , and euen dissolued , and recollected in Prayer , that I remained , for some space of time , in such sort , as not to be able , either to speake , or stirre ; but I was wholy , as it were , out of my self . And I continued with a great impulse of desire , to be euen as it were , annihilated , for Almightie God ; and I found also such effects thereof ; and the whole , passed-on in such sort , as that I was neuer able , ( though I endeauoured much ) to doubt , but that this Visitation was of Almighty God. The Queen of the Angells left me topp-full of comfort , and of profound peace , by what she sayd to me , of Obedience ; and the Case , was this . For my part , I was very vnwilling , not to giue this House vp , to the Order ; and indeed our Lord himself had told me , that it was not fitt , that they should haue it ; and he also deliuered me the reasons , why it was not , by anie meanes , fitt ; but that I should send about it , to Rome , by a certaine way ; and he also made me know , that he would cause it to be dispatched , from thence ; and so it was . And it was sent by that verie meanes , whereof our Lord had told me ; but we should neuer haue finally been able to dispatch it , of our selues ; and vpon the occasions , which succeeded afterward , it was very fitt , that it should be submitted , by way of Obedience , to the Bishop . Yet then , I knew him not , nor vnderstood , what kind of Prelate he was ; but our Lord was pleased , that he should be so good , and should fauour this House , as much as was fitt , yea and euen necessarie , for the encountring of that great cōtradiction , which occurred heerin ; as I shall declare afterward ; and to put it into that state , wherein now it is . And let him be euer Blessed , who hath so disposed of all , Amen . THE FOVRE AND THIRTIETH CHAPTER . She declares , hovv at this time she vvas necessarily to goe from that place ; and she shevves the cause thereof ; and hovv her Superiour commanded her to goe , for the comfort of a certaine Ladie , vvho vvas much afflicted . She beginnes to treat of that , vvich hapned to her there ; and of the great fauour , vvhich it pleased our Lord to doe , by her meanes , in stirring-vp a very principall person , to doe him great seruice ; and hovv aftervvard , she receaued much fauour , and protection from him . This is an admirable Discourse ; and very much to be noted . BVt , notwithstanding all the care I tooke , that men might not know , what we were doing , this whole Busines , could not be carried with so much secrecie , but that manie , must needs vnderstand it ; and some of them did beleiue it ; and others , not . For my part , I was hartily afrayd , that , if the Prouinciall should come , and they chance to tell him of it , he would command me to giue it ouer ; and then , the whole designe would be at an end . But our Lord ordained things , in such sort , that , about à matter of twentie leagues off , it occurred , that there was a certaine Ladie , very much afflicted , by the death of her Husband ; and she found her self , in such extremitie thereby , that her health was much concerned ; and feared . Now , she had gotten some notice of * this miserable poore wretched Sinner ; for it seemes , that our Lord had ordained already , that they should speake well of me , in her hearing , for the effecting of other good things , which depended vpon this . This Ladie was very well acquainted with this Prouinciall ; and he , considering , what a principall person she was , and that I was in a Monasterie , which kept not Clausure , our Lord gaue her so great a desire to see me , ( as conceauing , that she should receaue comfort , by my meanes ) that it was almost no longer now , in her power , not instantly to procure , by all possible endeauour , to get me thither ; and so she sent to the Prouinciall , who was very farre off , at that time ; and accordingly he also sent me an expresse commandment , vnder Obedience , that forthwith I should transport my self thither , with a Companion . Now , I came to know of this , vpon a Christmasse-Day , at night ; and it put me into much disorder , and gaue me a great deale of paine , to find , that they resolued to carrie me away , as conceauing , that there was some goodnes in me . For , considering how wicked I knew my self to be , I could , by no meanes , endure it ; but so , recommending my self much to Almightie God. I remained , during all the time of Matins , or at least the farre larger part thereof , in a verie great Rapt . Our Lord declared to me then , that I should not faile to goe , and that I was not to harken to the opinions of others ; for few would thinke , without rashnes , that they could aduise me to goe ; but that , howsoeuer the iourney might be of much trouble to mee , yet that he would be greatly serued thereby ; and that it would be also very conuenient , that I should absent my self from hence , till the Breue were come ; because the Diuel had a great plott prouided , against the time , when the Prouinciall should be there , but yet that I must be afrayd of nothing , for that , in fine , he should assist me , in the busines . Vpon this , I was much comforted ; and encouraged ; and I related the whole Storie ; to the Rectour , who told me , that I must , by no meanes , forbeare to goe ; but others sayd , that I must not doe it , by anie meanes ; and that it was but an inuention of the Diuell , to the end , that some mischeife might happen to me ; and that my best way would be , to reply vpon the Prouinciall . But I obeyed the Rectour ; and considering also , what had passed in Prayer , I beganne my iourney , without feare ; but yet , not without extreame confusion , to consider , vnder what title , and occasion , they called for me . And finding how much they were deceiued , it made me euen importune our Blessed Lord , so much the more , not to forsake me . Now it comforted me extreamly , that there was in that place , whither I was going , a Colledge of the Societie of Iesus , and that I might be subiect to that , wherein they should direct me , when I was there ; for , by this meanes , I conceaued , that I was to be in a kind of safetie . But when I ariued there , our Blessed Lord was pleased , that the Ladie should receaue so much comfort , that her amendment was quickly seen ; for she was , euerie day , better and better . And this was the more esteemed , because ( as I sayd before ) the paine , wherein she was , did hold her in great difficulties , and straights . And it is likelie , that our Lord graunted her ease , at the instance of the manie prayers , which certaine holie persons , whome I knew , did make in my behalfe , that so , all might succeed happily to me . She had also , euen in her self , a great feare of Almightie God , and was so full of vertue , and goodnes , that her much Christianitie , and pietie , supplyed for that , which was wanting in me . Now , she grew into a great loue of me ; and I remained , not a whitt in her debt , when I saw her goodnes . But yet , in effect , euen all , was trouble to me there ; for , the Regalo's , which they gaue me , were no lesse , then so manie torments to me ; and their making so much account of me , as they shewed , did put me into a great deale of feare . I therefore carried my Soule so restrained , and so retired within my self , that I durst not be , anie way , carelesse in that kind ; and so also was not our Lord vnmindefull of me . For , he did me , whilst I was there , most excessiue Fauours ; and they endued me , with so true , and so great libertie of Spirit , as to make me vndervalue , & despise all those testimonies of estimation , & honour , which I found there ; & the more , the more ; and so , as that I failed not , to treat with those Ladies , who were so great , with as much libertie , as if I had been equall to them ; whereas yet they were of such qualitie , that I might , without anie dishonour at all to my self , haue been euen their domestick Seruant . I drew a great aduantage , and benefit from thence ; and so I told her . I found that she was subiect to some weaknesses , and passions , as my self am ; and how little she was , in reason , to esteem her greatnes , and power ; which still , the more it is , so much the more trouble , and care , it drawes after it . And they are faine to take such thought , for liuing in such a forme , and methode , as is fitt , forsooth , for their greatnes , and ranke , that , vpon the matter , it scarce giues them leaue to liue . For , they eat out of time , and out of order ; because all , forsooth , must goe in conformitie , to the state , which they hold , and not with anie regard , to their constitution , and health ; nay sometimes , they must feed vpon such meates , as are more agreable to their greatnes , then to their gust ; and so , as that , for my part , I wholy abhorred , so much as euen to desire to be a great Ladie . God deliuer me from such ill-fauoured grauitie , and greatnes , as this ; for , though the Ladie , of whome I speake , be one of the greatest of this Kingdome ( and I beleiue , there are few , more humble , and more affable , then she ) yet really , I had , and haue compassion of her , to see , how she passes , manie times , not in conformitie , euen so much as with her owne inclination , but to comply with her condition ; for euen , in point of Seruants , there is very little trust to be reposed ; and though she had them good , yet must she not speake more confidently , and kindly , to one of them , then to another ; and if she doe , whosoeuer is most fauoured by her , must be sure to be lesse beloued by others . In fine , this greatnes , is a great subiection ; and indeed , one of the greatest Lyes , which euer the world can tell , is , when it calls such persons as these , Lords , and Ladies ; for , as for me , they all seem to be no other thing , then euen Slaues ; and that , a thousand times ouer . Our Lord was pleased at that time , whilst I remained with that Ladie , in her House , that the domesticks also there , improued much in the seruice of his Diuine Maiestie , though yet , for my part , I was not free from some troubles , yea and certaine enuies also , which were expressed , to my disaduantage , by certaine persons , in regard of the great affection , which that Ladie bore me ; and perhaps , they were so ill aduised , as to imagine , that I had some thought of interest , by what I did . But our Lord was pleased to permit , that they should giue me some few little troubles , both in this kind , and also in others , least els , I might perhaps , haue growne to be intoxicated , by the Regalo , which was vouchsafed to me , on the other side ; but he was pleased , to fetch me out of all those accidents , and aduentures , with the aduantage , and improuement of mine owne Soule . Whilst yet I remained there , a certaine Religious man , and a very eminent person , with whome I had treated sometimes , ( though it were maine yeares before ) did chance to ariue in that place . And I being , one day , at Masse , in a Monasterie of his Order , which was neer to the place where I kept , was taken with a kind of inclination , to know , in what condition , or state , that Soule was ; for I desired , that he might be a very great Seruant of Almightie God. I rose then from siting where I was , that so I might be going towards him ; but yet , hauing been already recollected in Prayer , it seemed to me then , afterwards , that it would be no better , then lost time ; and what , forsooth , had I to doe with him ? and so , I then disposed my self , to sit downe againe ; and ( as I now remember ) I did the verie same thing , no lesse , then three seuerall times . In fine , the good Angell was stronger , then the ill ; and I went , and required him to be called ; and so he came . I then beganne to aske him diuerse questions , as he did me , ( because manie yeares had slipt away , since we mett last ) concerning the seuerall Liues of one another . And I beganne to tell him , that as for mine , it had been subiect to manie afflictions of Minde . Vpon this he pressed much , to know , what those afflictions might be ; and I told him , that it was neither greatly pertinent to be knowne , nor very fitt for me , to relate . But he replyed , that , since the Father of S. Dominick's Order knew them , that Father ( whome I had affirmed , to be so much his freind ) would presently let him know them ; and therefore , that I needed not trouble my self to relate them . But , in fine , the Case grew to be this , that neither was it in his power , to forbeare to importune me ; nor in mine , to forbeare to declare my self heerin , to him . For , with all that trouble , and shame , which I vsed to haue , whensoeuer there was discourse of things , like this , yet , when I treated of them with this man , and with the Rectour also of the Societie , of whome I spake before , it put me to no trouble at all , but rather , it was of comfort to me . I therefore vnfolded my selfe to him , but yet vnder the Seale of Confession ; and me thought , he was more aduised , then euer ; though I alwayes held him , to be a man of very great vnderstanding . I considered the manie talents , and parts he had , wherewith to doe a huge deale of good , if he would giue himself entirely , to Almightie God. And it is true , that I haue had this qualitie , for diuerse of these latter yeares , that I cannot see anie Creature , who contents me much , * but I must instantly desire , to haue him wholy giuen to Almightie God ; and I wish it , euen with such an extremitie of appetite , that I know not , almost in those cases , what to doe with my self . And though it be very true , that I would faine haue all the world doe him Seruice , yet I desire , with very great impulse , and euen impetuositie , that the persons , who please me best , should doe it most ; and so I often vse , to importune our Lord extreamly , in their behalf . But , as for that Religious man , of whome I was speaking , he besought me , that I would recommend him earnestly to Almightie God ; but that was more , then needed ; for already , I was so gone with the man , that I could not possibly doe otherwise . And so I went to the place , where I was accustomed to put myself in Prayer , all alone , and being then , in deep recollection , I beganne to deale with our Blessed Lord ; and it was in a stile , so very familiar , that it was euen halfe foolish ; for I treat with him , manie times , without knowing almost , distinctly , what I say . For then , it is not so properly my person , as my Loue , which speakes ; and the Soule is so alienated euen from her self , that I scarce discerne the difference , which then there is , between Almightie God , and me . For , the great loue , which my Soule knowes , that his Diuine Maiestie beares her , makes her forget , what she is in her self , as conceauing , that she is then , in him . And so , as if both she , and he , were one , and the self-same thing , without diuision , or distinction , she vtters but impertinencies , and roauings . I remember , that I told him thus much , ( after I had begged of him , with abundance of teares , that the Soule of that Religious man , might apply it self , to his Seruice , in great earnest ) That , although I held him already , for good , yet that would not serue my turne ; for , I must haue him very good ; and accordingly , I sayd further , thus , in plaine tearmes : O Lord thou must not denye me this favour ; but consider , that this man vvill be very fitt , to make afreind for vs both . O great Humanitie , and Bountie of Almightie God! nor doth he so much consider our words , but the desires , and affections , wherewith they are spoken ! But now , how can he come to endure , that such a miserable Creature , as I , should speake to his Diuine Maiestie , with so much boldnes ? But , let him be Blessed , for euer . The while , I remember well , that in those howers of Prayer , wherein I exercised my self that night , our Lord gaue me a great affliction , by my doubting , whether I were in his fauour . But now , I desired not so much , to know that , as I did euen desire to dye , rather then to continue in such a life , as wherein I might not be sure , whether I were dead , or no. For , it were not possible for me , to endure a sharper death , then to thinke , that I had offended Almightie God. And this paine , put me into such straights , that , being all regaled , as I was , and euen melted , and dissolued in teares , I humbly besought his Diuine Maiestie , that he would not permit it . And so I came then to vnderstand , that I might well be comforted , and confide , that I was in state of Grace ; for that such loue of Almightie God , and the imparting of such Fauours , and feelings , as his Diuine Maiestie vouchsafed to me , were not compatible with anie such Soule , as should be in Mortall Sinne. But , in the meane time , I grew into a kind of assured hope , that our Lord would grant the thing , to that other person , which I humbly begged at his hands . He commanded me also , to deliuer certaine words to him . But at this , indeed , I was troubled much , as not knowing , how I should be able to vtter them . For , the point of carrying a message to a third person , in such sort as I was saying , is a thing , which doth alwaies afflict me ; especially , when I know not , how it will be taken ; or , whether the person will not laugh at me , for my labour . This put me to a great deale of trouble ; but yet , in fine , I thinke , I was so farre perswaded , as to promise Almightie God , that I would not forbeare to impart them ; and through the great confusion , and shame , wherein I was , I * wrote them , and so deliuered them to him . And now , this well appeared , to be an action of Almightie God , by the great effect it wrought . For , he resolued to giue himself to Prayer , after very a serious manner ; though yet , he did it not so very soone . But yet , our Lord designing to make him wholy his owne , was pleased to declare certaine truths to him , by my meanes ; which , howsoeuer I vnderstood them not my self , did yet fall out so fitly for him , that he was euen amazed . And our Lord disposed him to beleiue , that they came from his Diuine Maiestie ; and I , on the other side , ( though I be that poore miserable Creature , which I am ) did humbly , and earnestly beseech our Lord , that he would perfectly , and entirely , conuert that man to himself , and make him abhorre all the contentments , and Creatures of this life . And so ( for which let him be Blessed for euer ) he hath been pleased to doe it , and that in so very perfect a manner , that , whensoeuer this Seruant of his , is speaking to me , it makes me , in effect , turne half foole ; and if I had not seen it , with my verie eyes , I should hold it for a doubtfull thing , how Fauours could possibly be heaped-vp , so very high , vpon a Creature , in so short a time ; and should hold him , so busily , and continually employed , vpon Almightie God , that already he seemes not to liue , for the vse of anie thing of this world . I humbly beseech his Diuine Maiestie , to keep him in his protection , still ; for certainly , if he proceed after this rate , ( as I hope in our Lord , he will , ) his Spirit being so deeply rooted in the knowledge of himself , he will grow to be , of the most eminent Seruants he hath ; and will be able to doe good to manie Soules . For he hath gotten great experience , concerning things of Spirit , in a very short time ; and these are guifts , which Almightie God imparts , when , and how , he will , without anie precise respect , either to the time , which hath been spent , or els , to the qualitie of the Seruice . I say not yet , but that this may also import much ; but that our Lord forbeares sometimes , to giue that , to a person , in twentie yeares of Contemplation , which yet he forbeares not to bestow vpon some other , in one . Our Lord knowes the reason of this . And it is also a deceiptfull errour , which abuses vs , when it seemes , we may vnderstand , and obtaine that , by account of yeates , which can , by no meanes , be had , without experience of the verie things , as they are . And so , manie err , as I haue sayd , in thinking that they are fitt to iudge of Spirits , without hauing anie themselues . I say not , but that a learned man , though he haue no great knowledge of Spirit , may gouerne another man , who hath Spirit . But this is to be vnderstood , both in the exteriour , and in the interiour way , so farre , as it may carrie a conformitie , with the Naturall Powers , by the worke of his Vnderstanding ; and as for those things , which are Supernaturall , he must be carefull , that all goe on , with consent to Holie Scripture . And for the rest , let him not vex himself ; nor conceaue , that he vnderstands that , whereof , indeed , he knowes nothing ; nor stifle , and choake those Spirits , which , forasmuch as concernes these things , are gouerned by another , and a higher Lord ; for , in fine , they are not , without a Superiour of their owne . Be not amazed at this ; nor let these things seem impossible to you ; for , all is very possible to our Lord ; but procure you , to re-inforce your Faith , and to humble your self , when you see , that our Blessed Lord knowes , how to make a poore , old , ignorant woeman , become a more knowing Creature , perhaps , in this Science , then he , who may be otherwise , a very learned man. For , by meanes of this Humilitie , one shall be able to doe more good , both to the Soules of others , and his owne , then if he grow to be Contemplatiue , without that Vertue . And I say , and say againe , that if he be not a man of experience , or if , at least , he haue not very abundantly of Humilitie , wherewith to vnderstand , that he vnderstands not the busines , ( and that yet , it is not impossible , but that the thing , in question , may be true ; ) he shall both gaine little himself , and enable him also lesse , to gaine , with whome he deales . But , on the other side , if he haue Humilitie , he may be well out of feare , that our Lord will euer permit , that either the one , or the other , shall be deceaued . But now , concerning this Father , of whome I speake , as our Lord hath giuen him experience , in manie things : so hath he also endeauoured , to acquire all that , which may be gotten by studie , in this kind . And whēsoeuer his owne experience falls short , he informes himself by their meanes , who haue more . And heer , our Lord comes to assist him , by giuing him a great proportion of Faith ; and by this meanes , he hath done very much good , both to his owne Soule , and those also of others ; and mine , is one of them . For , our B. Lord , considering the manie afflictions , which I was to endure , it seemes would prouide , that sice some of them would be brought vpon me by such as were to gouerne my Soule , there yet , might be others found , who would helpe me , to goe through with those troubles , and assist me much . But as for this Religious man , of whome I haue spoken so much , our Lord hath so entirely changed him , that , vpon the matter , he is no longer to be knowne , for the man he was . He hath now also , giuen him much corporall strēgth , whereby he is now enabled to doe Pennance , which was impossible for him , before ; for , he was euer sicklie . And he is also full of courage , towards the performing of anie thing , which is good ; and besides , he hath varietie of other excellent things , which make it well appeare , that his Vocation came most particularly , from our Lord ; And let him be Blessed , for euer . For my part , I beleiue , that all this good is come to him , by the Fauours , which our Lord hath done him in Prayer ; for they are not painted things , or put loosely on ; but our Lord hath been pleased , to haue him brought to the Touch ; and he hath proued therein , as one , who vnderstands very well , the true value of that merit , which is gotten by the well suffering of persecutions . And I trust in the greatnes of our Lord , that much good will accrue to some of his Order , by his meanes ; yea and euen to the whole Order it self . Already this beginnes to be vnderstood ; and my self haue seen great Visions ; and our Lord hath told me some particulars , both of him , and of the Rectour of the Colledge of the Societie of IESVS , of whome I spake ; and they are things of great admiration ; as also of two other Religious men , of S. Dominick's Order ; but especially of one ; for whose proceeding , and profit , in the way of Spirit , our Lord hath already manifested some things to the world , by reall proofe . I had also heard formerly of him ; but they are manie instances , which concerne the person , of whome I spake before ; and one of them , I will heer recount . I was once with him , in a Locutorie , or Speaking-place of a Monasterie ; and so very great , was the loue of Almightie God , which my Soule , and Spirit vnderstood , to be euen burning , in his , that I was euen , as it were , absorpt by it . For I went considering the greatnesses of Almightie God , and in how short a time he had sublimed a Soule , to so admirable a State. He put me to much confusion , when I heard him giue eare , with so great humilitie , to those things , which I would sometimes be saying to him concerning Prayer ; I , who had so little to say thereof , to such a person , as he was . But our Lord was content to endure it , through the earnest desire I had , to see him a great Proficient , in that kind . And it did me so much good , to be with him , that still he seemed to inflame my Soule , with new fire , and with new desires , to serue our Lord , euen as if I had been but then to beginne . O my deare IESVS ! what things are they , which a Soule can doe , when it is all , inflamed with thy loue ? and we ought to esteem such an one , very much , and humbly beseech our Lord , to let it continue long , in this world . For , whosoeuer ownes the same kind of loue , should follow such a kind of Soule , as fast as he can . It is matter of much comfort to a sick man , to find another , who is toucht , and tainted , by the same disease ; for it serues him , in the way of some consolation , to see , at least , that he is not alone . They helpe one another excellently well , both to suffer , and to merit ; They ioyne back , to back , and so support , and succour one another , like valiant , and resolued persons , to venture a thousand liues , for the loue of Almightie God ; and , They aspire to no other happines , then to meet with some such occasion , as wherein they may offer themselues in Sacrifice , for his Seruice . They are like gallant Souldiers ; who , to the end , that they may gaine the Spoile of their Enemies , and so grow rich , by that meanes , desire , that there may still be Warres ; as vnderstanding , that there is no way , for them , to thriue , but by that meanes ; for it is no lesse , then their very occupation , to labour , and to suffer . O what a great thing it is , when out Lord giues light to know , how much is gained , by suffering for him ? This point is not vnderstood , well , and home , till all be giuen ouer , and left . For , whosoeuer keepes anie thing to himself , giues a signe , that he esteemes it to be worth somewhat . And if he esteem it worth somewhat , it will be necessarie for him , to be sorrie to leaue it . But now heer , all is imperfect , yea and euen lost ; and heer comes the Prouerbe well in , that He is a kind of lost man , who lookes after that , which is lost . And what greater losse , and perdition ; what greater blindnes ; what greater miserie , and misfortune can there be , then to put a great value vpon that , which is absolutly worth nothing at all ? But ( to returne , to what I was saying ) when I was extreamly ioyed , by considering the Soule of that man , ( wherein it seemes , that our Blessed Lord was disposed , that I should clearly see those treasures , which he had depositated therein ) and discerning also the high fauour , which he vouchsafed to doe me , in regard , that it had hapned by my meanes , I found my self very vnworthie of it ; but withall , I held those Fauours , which our Lord had been pleased to doe him , in a much higher kind of account , then if he had vouchsafed them to my self . And I payd our Lord an abundance of praise , to see , that his Diuine Maiestie went so fulfilling my desires , and vouchsafed to heare my prayer ; which was , that he would vouchsafe , to stirre-vp such kindes of persons , to his faithfull Seruice . And my Soule being then in such condition , as that it could no longer beare so greatioy , she went directly out of her self , and lost her verie self , to be the greater gainer by it . She lost , I say , those cogitations , and considerations , and the hearing of that Diuine toung , in which the Holie-Ghost seemed to speake ; and then I fell into a great Rapt , which made me , at it were , forgoe the vse of my Sences , though it lasted but a very little while . I saw Christ our Lord , with an excessiue kind of Maiestie , and Glorie , expressing much contentment , in that which passed there . And so himself was pleased to tell me ; as also , that I might see very clearly , that he loued to be euer present , at such discourses ; and how much he esteemes himself to be serued , in that men take such delight , to speake of him . Another time , when I was farre off from hence , I saw him lifted-vp by Angells , with much glorie ; and I vnderstood by this Vision , that his Soule was aduancing apace . But so it was , that a certaine person in the world , to whome he had done much good , and repaired some breaches in his reputation , and giuen also comfort to his Soule , did yet raise a great false testimonie against the honour of this holie man ; and he endured it , with much contentment , as he also did other persecutions ; and performed manie actions , which were greatly for the Seruice of Almightie God. Me thinkes , it is not fitt , to declare more of these things , at this present . If afterward your Reuerence shall thinke otherwise ( because your self knowes , what they are already ) they may also be set downe heer , for the glorie of Almightie God. But now , of all these things , which I haue deliuered , about the Prophecies concerning this House ; and of others , which I shall also relate ; as also of seuerall instances , in different kindes ; they were all accomplished , and fulfilled , about a matter of some three yeares , before they were knowne ; some more , and some lesse ; as our Lord had declared them to me . And I euer told them ouer , to my Ghostlie Father , and to this Widdow , my freind , to whome I had leaue to impart them , as I haue sayd ; and I vnderstand , that she told them yet to others ; and they all know well , that I lye not . Nor will Almightie God , I hope , permit me to be euer so miserable , as , in anie thing , to speake other , then truth ; and much lesse , when it concernes things of such importance . But a Brother-in-Law of mine , dying suddainly , and I being much troubled at it ( because he had not had time , to Confesse before , ) it was told me , in my Prayer , that my Sister would also dye , after that manner ; and therefore , that I should goe thither , and procure to dispose her to dye well . I told this , to my Ghostlie Father ; and he not permitting me to goe , I heard the self-same thing againe , and againe . But when now I told him thus much , he willed me to goe ; and sayd , that nothing would be lost , by the bargaine : This Sister of mine , was at a house of hers , in the Countrie ; & I , going thither , to visit her , without telling her of the particular cause , I gaue her the best light I could , concerning all things ; and I perswaded her to goe often to Confession , and , in all things , to keep the accounts of her Conscience , very right , & streight . As for her , she was a very vertuous woeman ; and did , as she was desired , for foure or fiue yeares togeather , before her end ; and then she dyed , vpon a suddaine , without being so much as visited , and much lesse Confessed . But the happines was , that , according to the custome which she had held , there was little more , then eight dayes expired , after her last Confession . This made me a very glad woeman , when I knew of her death ; and she stayed a very short time , in Purgatorie . Nor is it yet aboue eight dayes , since our Lord appeared to me , after I had receaued the Blessed Sacrament , and was pleased , to let me see , how he carried my Sisters soule , into glorie . In all these yeares , from the time , when the particular , concerning her , was told me , till her very death , I forgot not that , which had been giuen me to be vnderstood , concerning her ; as neither also , did my Companion . For , as soone as she had heard of my Sisters death , she came towards me , with much admiration , to see , how all had been fulfilled , Let our Lord be praised for euer , who vouchsafes to take such care of Soules , to the end , that they may not perish ; Amen . THE FIVE AND THIRTIETH CHAPTER . She prosecutes the same Discourse , about the Foundation of this House , of our Glorious Father , S. Ioseph . She speakes of the degrees , by vvhich our Lord came to appoint , that holie Pouertie should be ordained there ; and of the cause , vvhy she came from that Ladie , vvith vvhome she vvas ; and of other things also , vvhich succeeded . BVt now , whilst I was with that Ladie , of whome I haue spoken , and with whome I had remained , more then half a yeare , our Lord did so ordaine , that a certaine holie woeman of our Order , fell out to come from a place , which was no lesse , then three-score and then leagues off , from this ; and to ariue heer ; and to lengthen her way , by some leagues , on purpose , to speake with me . Our Lord had moued her to this , in the self-same yeare , when he moued me , to make another Monasterie of this Order . And as soone as she had entertained this desire , she sold whatsoeuer she possessed , and went her self , bare-foot , to Rome , to get , and bring-away the Dispatch of this Busines . This woeman , is a person of much Pennance , and Prayer ; and our Lord did her manie Fauours ; and our B. Ladie appeared to her , and required her , still to doe , what she was doing ; and she serued our Blessed Lord , so incomparably beyond anie thing that I could doe , that I was in confusion , euen to appeare in her presence . She shewed me the Dispatches , which she brought from Rome ; and , in those fifteen dayes , which she stayd with me , we tooke order , how we would make these Monasteries ; and , till I had spoken with her , it neuer had come to my knowledge , that our Rule , till it was relaxed , did euer command , that none of the Religious Houses of our Order , should haue anie proprietie , in anie goods . Nor had my self had anie purpose , to found anie Monasterie at all , without Reuenue ; for , my intention was , that we should be free from the care of procuring anie such thing , as we might be in necessitie , to vse . But this Blessed Woeman , hauing been instructed by our Lord , was growne to vnderstand that truth , very well , without being able so much , as to read ; of which truth , I was ignorant , euen after haueing taken so much paines , to read ouer the Constitutions of our Order . And as soone , as she acquainted me with her purpose , I liked it well ; though yet , I was afrayd , that it would not be yeilded to ; but that they would say perhaps , that these were but impertinencies ; and wish , that I would not doe anie thing , whereby others might be put to suffer , through my fault . Though yet , in very deed , if I had been alone , I would not haue been detained one minute , from doeing it ; since it would be a Regalo , to my Soule , to obserue , & follow the Counsailes of Iesus-Christ our Lord ; for really , his Diuine Maiestie had already giuen me great desires , to obserue Pouertie . So that , for my part , I made no doubt , but that this was best ; yea and I had long desired , that it might be possible , and compatible with my state , that I might goe begging my bread , for the loue of God , without hauing so much , as a house , or anie thing els . But only , I was in feare , that if our Blessed Lord should not giue the self-same desires to others , which he gaue to me , they would liue , perhaps , with disgust ; and consequently , that it might proue a cause of some distraction , or diuision . For I saw , that there were some poore Monasteries , which liued not with much recollection ; and I considered not , that their not being recollected , was the cause of their being so poore ; and not their Pouertie , the cause of their want of Recollection . For , distraction makes them not more rich ; nor is euer Almightie God wanting to such , as serue him . In fine , my Faith was weake ; which that , of this Seruant of God , was not . But now I , ( who would be taking the opinion of so manie persons , for euerie thing , which I was to doe ) could find no bodie of this minde ; no nor euen my Ghostlie Father himself ; nor yet those other learned men , whome I consulted in the case ; but they brought me so manie reasons against it , that I knew not , which way to turne my self . For I , for my part , who knew already , that it was the Rule of the order , and knew also , that it was a point of more perfection , could not perswade my self , to haue Reuenue . And though sometimes , they conuinced me , towards their opinion , yet still , when I returned to Prayer , and considered Christ our Lord , so very poore , and naked , vpon the Crosse , I was not able , so much as to find patience , for being rich . But I humbly besought him with teares , to ordaine things , in such sort , that I might be poore , like him . And I found so manie inconueniences , euen in hauing Reuenue , and found it to be so great a cause of disquiet , yea and euen of distraction also , that I did nothing but dispute the busines , with those learned men . I wrote also about it , to that Religious man , of S. Dominick's Order , who assisted vs ; and he sent me two sheets of Paper , which he had written , by way of contradiction , to me ; and he grounded himself in Theologie , for the perswading me , not to doe it ; yea and he told me , that he had studied the point very well . To which I answered him , that , for not following my Vocation , and for not performing the Vow , which I had made of Pouertie , and embracing the Counsailes of Christ our Lord , in all perfection , I meant not to make vse of his Theologie , nor of his Learning ; and therefore , that in this case , he might be pleased to excuse me . For my part , I was very glad , when I found anie Creature , who woud helpe me ; and the Ladie , with whome I was , assisted me particularly , heerin . There were others also , who told me instantly , at the first , that they liked it well ; but afterward , when they considered it better , they found so manie inconueniences , in it , that they were earnest , in perswading me , not to proceed therein . But now , I told them heervpon , that if they changed their opinion so soone , I would hold my self fast , to the first . At this time , vpon my entreatie , and because this Ladie had neuer seen that holie man Fray Pedro de Alcantara , our Lord was pleased , that he should come to her house ; and he being so great a louer of Pouertie , and hauing obserued , and practised it , so manie yeares , was not ignorant of the riches , which it contained ; and so he assisted me much ; and commanded me , that I should , by no meanes , forbeare , to carrie-on my desire . And now , through his opinion , and helpe ( he being a person , who could best giue counsaile in it , as vnderstanding the matter in hand , by long experience ) I resolued , that I would goe seeking no further . And being , one day , recommending the matter earnestly to Christ our Lord , it pleased him , to tell me expresly , That I should , by no meanes , forbeare , to make the Monasterie , poore ; That this was both his Father's will , and his ; and That he would help me in it . Now , there were so great effects heerof , in a Rapt , which I had , that I could , by no meanes , doubt , but that it was of Almightie God. Another time , he told me , that there was confusion , in hauing Reuenue ; and he sayd also other things , in praise of Pouertie ; assuring me , that no such thing , as was necessarie for the life of man , should euer be wanting to such as serue him ; of which want ( as I was saying ) I neuer was in feare , for my part . Our Lord did also turne the hart of the Religious man of S. Dominick's Order , of whome I sayd , that he wrote , to forbid me to make the Monasterie without Reuenue . And now I was very well pleased , vpon the vnderstanding of this ; and vpon hauing also got some other Votes , me thought I possessed all the riches in the world , by resoluing to liue on Almes , for the loue of our Lord. About this time , did my Prouinciall discharge his commandment vnder Obedience , which he had imposed vpon me , for staying there ; and left it in mine owne choyce , either to returne , or els to stay , for a certaine time . But there was now , an Election of a Prioresse , to be made , in our Monasterie ; and they aduertised me , that there were manie , who desired to impose that Charge vpon me ; whereof the onlie thought , was of so great torment to me , that I could easily haue resolued my self , to endure anie other Martyrdome in the whole world , for the loue of God ; but , by no meanes , perswade my self to this . For , besides the great trouble , in regard , that they are so very manie in the House , ( which point I neuer liked ) and for other reasons also , which did occurr ( besides , that I neuer loued to haue Office , but did euer refuse them all it seemed to me , that it was to put my Conscience it self , in great hazard . And so I blessed Almightie God , for my not being present , in the place ; & I wrote also , to some freinds of mine , that they would not giue me their Vote . But when now , I was so much pleased , not to find my self there , in that noise , our Lord told me , that I should by no meanes forbeare to goe . And that , since I desired a Crosse , there was now , a good great one , prouided for me ; and that I must not throw it away , but goe on , with resolution , and courage ; and that he would help me ; and therefore that I must instantly goe . At this , I was mightily troubled , and did nothing but weepe ; for I thought , it had been the Crosse of being Superiour ; and ( as I was saying before ) I could not perswade my self , that this could possibly be good , for my Soule , in anie kind ; nor could I find anie reason at all , to induce me to it . I related all this Storie , to my Ghostlie Father ; and he commanded me to be gone ; for it was euidently , of more perfection , to doe so ; but only , because the heates were great , I might yet stay where I was , some few dayes ; for feare , least els , the iourney might doe me harme ; and that , in substance , it would suffice , if I were there , when the Election should be made . But , our Blessed Lord hauing ordered things otherwise , the busines of my iourney , was instantly to be dispatched , and done . For , the restlesnes which I had in my self , was very great , togeather with my euen wanting power , to make my Prayer ; and it seemed also to me , withall , that I fell short , in the performance of what our Blessed Lord had expresly commanded me ; and the while , I did but passe my time there , in ease , and pleasure ; That it might seem , as if I had no minde at all , to labour , and suffer ; and That all , was , vpon the matter , but talking , whensoeuer there grew to be question of seruing Almightie God. For els , I being able to be , where it was more perfection for me to find my self , why did I forbeare to effect it ? And if I should dye , by the way ; in God's name , let me dye . But , in the meane time , ( besides all the rest ) I found my self , with a great pressing vpon my verie hart ; and our Lord , had wholy depriued me , of all kind of gust , in my Prayer . In a word , I was brought to such a condition , as that now , I was in a great deale of torment ; and I humbly prayed the Ladie , where I was , that she would allow me her leaue , to be gone . For already my Ghostlie Father , when he found me to be in that case , willed me also , to beginne my iourney ; and our Lord had also moued him , as well as me . But the Ladic had so great a sense of trouble , for my departure , that the same , grew also to be another torment to me . For , she spoke , of how much trouble it had cost her , to obtaine this fauour of leaue , at the hands of the Prouincial , by meanes of a great deale of importunitie . And really , I held it for a kind of very strange thing , that she would be content , to giue way , heerin ; considering , how very much , she was troubled at it ; saue only that I considered her , as a very great Seruant of Almightie God. And so , I telling her once , that my going , imported his Seruice much , with manie other things , of that kinde ; and letting her also know , that it was possible , that I might returne to see her againe , she grew ( with trouble enough ) to be yet content , at last , that I should goe . But now I , for mine owne part , had no difficultie at all , in doing it . For , when once I came to vnderstand , that the thing was of more perfection ; and that it more imported the Seruice of Almightie God , that I should goe , then stay , I did ( by the contentment , which it gaue me , to content him ) passe easily ouer , the paine of leauing that Ladie , whome I saw so much troubled , at my iourney ; as manie other persons also were , to whome I was obliged there , very much ; and especially to my Ghostlie Father , who was of the Societie of IESVS ; for , I found my self very happie , in him . But yet , when I saw , that I was to want that comfort , for the loue of our Lord , it gaue me contentment , to loose him . And yet still , I could not well vnderstand , how this might be . For I saw plainly , that these contraryes , were in me , at once : To be delighted , To be comforted , and To be ioyed , by that , which yet , did cost me sorrow , at the verie hart . For , on the one side , I was eased , and accommodated , with meanes , and time , to haue manie howers of Prayer ; and on the other , I saw plainly , that I was to cast my self , into a kind of fire . For already , our Lord had foretold me , as much ; and that I went to vndergoe , and carrie a heauie Crosse ; though yet , indeed , I neuer conceiued , that it could possibly haue proued so very heauie , as I found it to be , afterward . But yet , howsoeuer , I went so chearfully on , that I accounted my self euen to be destroyed , in regard , that I could not cast my self , instantly , into the battaile , since our Lord had a minde , that I should vndertake it ; and so , his Diuine Maiestie gaue me strength ; and fetched it , euen out of my verie weaknes . I knew not well , ( I say , ) how this could be ; but yet I grew to thinke vpon this Comparison . If , I possessing some rich Iewell , or anie thing els , which gaue me great contentment , it should happen to me , to know , that some person , whome I loued , euen better then my self , desired to haue it , and that I aspired more , to content him , then to please my self , it would fall out , in that case , that I should enioy more contentment , without that verie thing , then I enioyed before , by the possession thereof , since it proued to giue contentment to that person . And therefore now , since the contentment , which I haue in contenting him , exceeds mine owne proper contentment , the trouble , which I might haue , by wanting the Iewell , or euen anie other thing , which I could loue , were taken away ; and so also , would the sense of that contentment be , which it gaue me before . So that , howsoeuer I should haue been in paine , to leaue such persons , as were so greatly troubled for my parting from them ( the rather , in regard , that I am , euen in condition , and nature , so very gratefull , for the Fauours , which are done me , and therefore this accident , if it had ariued , at some other time , would haue afflicted me much ) , yet now , the case was such , that I could not be troubled at it , euen though I would . It fell out also , in verie deed , to import so very much , that I should not haue stayd there , one day longer , for as much , as concernes the busines of this Blessed House , that I know not , how it could possibly haue been concluded , if I had not gone away , iust at that time . O greatnes of Almightie God! for I am euen amazed , when I consider it . But now , I discerne very well , that his Diuine Maiestie , had a particular care , to helpe me ; to the end , that we might settle , and secure , this poore little Corner * of God. For really , I hold it to be such ; and that it is a Habitation , wherein his Diuine Maiestie is delighted ; as he told me himself once , when I was in Prayer , That this House was euen the verie Paradise , of his delight . And so , very agreably to this , he hath brought certaine Soules hither , in whose companie now I liue , with very great * confusion to my self . For it would not haue been in my power , to haue so much as wished for such , as they are , in order to this holie end ; they being persons of so great Austerity , and Pouertie , and Prayer ; and carrying all this weight , with such a deale of contentment , and gust , that there is not one Creature , in all the Companie , who doth not hold her self , for wholy vndeseruing , to haue approached to such a place , as this ; and especially some , in particular , whome our Lord was pleased , to call , from out of the gallanterie , and vanitie of the world ; where ( according to the lawes of this life ) they might haue had contentment enough . But now , our Blessed Lord hath giuen them the same contentment , so farre enlarged , and encreased , as makes it to be most clearly seen , That euen heer , they haue a hundred , for one , in comparison of what they left , for his sake . And now they can neuer satisfye themselues , with giuing him most humble thankes , for so high a Fauour . He hath also changed others , from good , to better . To such , as are very young , he giues both courage , and knowledge ; to the end , that they may desire nothing els ; and that they may truly vnderstand , that , to be seuered from all things of this life , is euen heer , a verie enioying , of more repose . To them , who are of more yeares , and lesse health , he giues such a degree of strength , as that they may be able to endure the same austerities of Pennance , which the rest of the Communitie vndergoes . O my deare Lord ! and how well doth it now appeare , that thou art powerfull ? Nor is there anie need , to seek out reasons , and wayes , for thy doing , whatsoeuer thou desirest . For euen , aboue the Discourse of our Naturall Reason , thou makest all things very possible ; and giuest vs to vnderstand very well , that , in fine , we haue need of no more , then to loue thee , in good earnest ; and to leaue all things , in good earnest , for thee . But indeed , it must be done , in good earnest ; to the end , that thou , O my Lord , and my God , maist make all things easie to vs. And heer , it may come handsomly in , that thou dost , but as it were , feigne , or counterfeit , the infusion of a kind of difficultie , vpon the obseruing of thy Law. For , as for me , I cannot find , O my Lord , where indeed , that difficultie is ; nor how that way can be accounted strict , or hard , which conducts vs to thee . But I rather plainely see , that it is a faire , and Royall way ; and no obscure , and paltrie little path ; but a way wherein euerie bodie goes safe , who will put himself , in good earnest , vpon the iourney . For , all doubtfull passages , and rocks , wherein one may be in danger to catch a Fall , are found to be very farre off , from hence ; in regard , that heer we are so very remote , from all occasions of Sinne. But I call that other , a path , and a wicked path ; and a narrow , and very dangerous way ; which , on the one side , hath a huge deep valley , into which one may fall ; and on the other , a hideous rock , with a precipice , from whence , vpon a verie instant , ere he be aware , he may breake his neck , and his bones , into a thousand peices . He , who loues thee , O thou , my eternall Good , with realitie of truth , goes securely , by a Royall , safe , and large way ; which lyes farre from all such precipices of danger . And no sooner hath such an one , tript neuer so little , but instantly , thou , O Lord , lendest him thy hand , to helpe him vp . Nor will , euen a Fall , nor manie Falls , be his ruine , if he loue thee , and not the things of this world . Such an one , walkes by the Valley of Humilitie ; nor am I able to vnderstand , why anie Creature should be afrayd , to put himself into this way of Perfection . And I beseech our Blessed Lord , ( euen by what he is ) that he will giue vs rightly to vnderstand , how ill , that securitie is , which we looke for , in the midst of such manifest dangers , as where , one is to be still , trudging on , in the ranke , and row of the world ; and that we may beleiue , our true securitie , and safetie , to consist , in our procuring , to be still going on , in the way of doing Seruice , to Almightie God. Away , away ; let vs all fix our eyes vpon him ; and let vs not haue anie feare , that this Sunne of Iustice , will set , or euer permit vs , to walke in such sort , by night , as that we may grow to be lost , vnlesse we first resolue to leaue him . Nor let vs feare to walke , euen in the midst of Lyons , of whome , euerie one seemes greedie , to be carryingaway his seuerall peice ; and these are certaine things , which the world is wont to call , by the name of Honours , and great Estates , and Delights . And the Diuel , on the other side , seemes also willing heer , to fright vs , with certaine friuolous toyes . A * thousand times ouer , I am amazed ; and ten thousand times , would I desire , euen to dissolue my self , with powring forth my teares ; & to cry-out to the whole world , all at once , to proclaime mine owne great wickednes , and blindnes ; so to try , if that , might doe anie good , towards the making men , at last , open their eyes . Let him open them , through his owne infinit goodnes , who knowes how to doe it ; and not permit , that euer mine , may turne blind againe , Amen . THE SIX AND THIRTIETH CHAPTER . She prosecutes the Subiect , vvhich she had begunne ; and declares the finall conclusion of the Foundation of this Monasterie of the Glorious S. Ioseph , of Auila ; and of the great contradictions , and persecutions , vvhich the Religious vvoemen vvere put to suffer , euen after they had taken the Habit ; and of the manie troubles , and temptations , vvhich she vvas faine to vndergoe ; and hovv his Diuine Maiestie drevv her out of all , vvith victorie , to his ovvne praise , and glorie . BEing parted from that Cittie , where I was , I passed with much contentment , by the way , resoluing to vndertake , and goe through , with all things , which our Lord should be pleased to lay vpon me ; and that , with a most franke , and entire submission , of my whole hart . Now , the selfe-same night , when I ariued at Auila , our Dispatch , with the Breue from Rome , ariued also there . So that , I was amazed at it ; and so also were all they , who knew of the hast , wherewith our Lord had sollicited me , to come away ; when they also knew withall , the great necessitie , which there was thereof , and the coniuncture also otherwise , which appeared then . For , I found the Bishop there , and that holie man , Fray Pedro de Alcantara , and a certaine Caualier also , a very great Seruant of our Lord , in whose house , that holie man Fray Pedro , was lodged . For , that Caualier , was a person , with whome , generally , the Seruants of Almightie God , were euer wont , to find a safe retreat . Now , both those persons , ioyning togeather , obtained so much , at the Bishop's hands , as that he was content to admit of the Monasterie ; which was not a thing of small importance , considering that it must liue vpon Almes . But the Bishop was really a friend to such , as were indeed resolued to serue our Lord ; for instantly , he would apply himself to doe them fauour . But the approbation of that holie old man , and his dealing earnestly , with seuerall persons , to assist vs , was the thing , which made an end of the worke . If I had not chanced to ariue in this verie coniuncture , as I haue sayd , I know not , how the besines could possibly haue been dispatched ; for , this holie man stayd a very little while , heer ; and I thinke , not aboue eight dayes ; and euen then , he was very ill , at ease ; and shortly after that time , our Lord tooke him out of the world , to himself . And it seemed indeed , that his Diuine Maiestie had preserued him , in this world , till iust this busines might be dispatched ; for it had been long , ( that is , I thinke , a matter of two yeares , ) since he had been very ill , in point of health . But all that , which they resolued now , was to be gouerned with a great deale of secrecie ; for els , nothing would haue taken effect ; so ill was the people conceited of it , as appeared afterward . Now , our Lord disposed things so , that a Brother-in-Law of mine , should be sick , at that verie time ; and that his wife should not be heer ; but that he must be in so very great need of helpe , that they gaue me leaue to goe , and be with him ; and so , by occasion of that , there was nothing knowne ; howsoeuer somewhat grew to be suspected , concerning some persons , though yet it were not fully beleiued . And it is a thing , to make men wonder , how my Brother-in-Law , continued no longer sick , then seemed to be iust necessarie , for our busines ; and should recouer his health , iust as soone as it was fitt ; to the end , that so , both I , might be disengaged , and he might leaue his house free . But our Lord , as I was saying did instantly restore his health ; at which , the Patient was in wonder . Yet euen then , had I difficultie enough to procure , by meanes of manie different persons , to make them giue way , that the busines might goe forward ; and ; both with the sick man , and with the workmen , that the House might be finished , out of hand ; and be put into the Forme of a Monasterie . For , there was very much of it vnfinished , at that time ; and my Companion was then , not heer ; for we held it indeed more conuenient , that she should be absent , for the better hiding of the busines ; and I saw , that it was of extreame importance , that all should be dispatched , with diligence , for manie reasons ; and for this , amongst the rest , because it was feared euerie hower , that they would send me away . In the meane time , I had so manie occasions of vexation , and trouble , that I might haue cause to doubt , whether this were not that Crosse , whereof I was warned ; though on the other side , it seemed , that this was but a little one , in comparison of that other great Crosse , which our Lord had formerly sayd , that I was to beare . But yet , all being now concluded , our Lord was pleased , that some should take the Habit , vpon S. Bartholomews day ; at which time , the B. Sacrament was exposed , with all the Solemnity , and deuotion , which we could possibly vse . And so , the Monasterie of our most Glorious Father S. Ioseph , fell out to be erected , and made , in the Yeare of our Lord God , One thousand , fiue hundred , seauentie two . And it came then , to my turne , ( togeather with two others of our former Monasterie , who , by accident , were abroad , at that time ) to giue them the Habit. But now , since the House where the Monastery fell out to be made , was that , wherein my Brother-in-Law , had dwelt before , ( for he , as I sayd , had bought it , the better to disguise this busines ) I had leaue to stay there . And I did nothing at all , but by the opinion of learned men ; that so I might be sure , not to depart , one haires breadth , from my Obedience . And when they saw , that the thing was to be so aduantagious to the whole Order , in manie respects , they told me , I might doe as I did ; though yet , it were fitt to proceed with great reseruation , and secrecie ; and to take care , that my Superiours might not know , what I was doing . For , how little soeuer the imperfection had been , which I must haue committed therein , I conceaue , that I would haue giuen-ouer the erecting , I say not , of one Monasterie , but of a thousand , rather then haue falne into it ; and this , is certaine . And though I desired , to seuer my self , wholy , from the world , that so I might follow my Profession , and Calling , with more perfection , and Clausure , I desired it yet , in such sort , as that , whensoeuer I should come to vnderstand , that it was to be , for the greater Seruice of Almightie God , to giue it ouer , I would instantly haue been sure , to doe it , with entire peace , and repose . But the while , it was a kind of being euen in glorie , for me , to see the B. Sacrament exposed ; and that , foure poore * Orphans were prouided for , since they were taken without Dowrie ; and they were very great Seruants of Almightie God. For , this was much endeauoured , at the begining , that such persons should enter , and be receaued , as might lay a good foundation , by their example , for the better effecting the intention , and designe , which we had , to carrie all things on , with much perfection , and Prayer ; and that such a worke , in fine , might be finished , as were to proue , for the Seruice of our Blessed Lord , and in honour of the Habit of his Glorious Mother ; for vpon this , did all the anxieties of my care , worke , and beate . And it gaue me also great comfort , to haue done expresly that , which our Blessed Lord had been pleased to command me ; and that there might be one Church more , ( and the same be dedicated , vnder the name of my Glorious Father , S. Ioseph ) then there was before . Not yet , that I conceaued my self , to haue done anie thing in it , at all ; for , I neuer had anie such conceipt ; neither haue I yet ; but I euer vnderstand , that it is our Blessed Lord , who did it ; and that , as much as concerned my part , was accompanied with so great imperfections , that I rather plainly see , that there is much more , for which to blame me , then to thanke me . But yet I must confesse , that it goes with me for a great Regalo , to see , that his Diuine Maiestie was pleased to vse me , as an instrument ( I being so very wicked , as I am ) for so great a worke , as this . So that , in fine , I remained with much satisfaction , and gust , in this behalfe ; and , as it were , euen out of my self , in great depth of Prayer . But now , vpon the end of all this , which might last about some three , or foure howers , the Diuel procured to giue me such a kind of Spirituall battaile , as I will now declare . He * represented to me a doubt , whether that , which I had done , had been well done ; whether I had not gone against my obligation of Obedience , by procuring to effect certaine things , without hauing been directed therein , by my Prouinciall ; That I might very well imagine , that my carriage had been of disgust to him , in regard , that I had submitted the busines , to the Ordinarie , and that , without hauing acquainted him with it , before ; though yet , on the other side , it be true , that when he would not admit of the Foundation , and saw , that I did not alter my course , I might probably enough imagine , that he would not care much , though it went on ; and Whether these new Religious , would be content to liue in so great restraint ; Whether , they were not to want bread , to eate ; Whether the whole busines , were not an absurd , and foolish thing ; and Who , in fine , must put me vpon it , since already I had a Monasterie of mine owne . But now , all that , which our Blessed Lord had commanded me ; and all those opinions of the learned men , whome I had consulted ; and all the Prayer , which I had caused to be made , and that , in effect , without ceasing ; yea and also for the space of more , then two whole yeares ; all this , I say , was as absolutly slipped out of my memorie , as if it had neuer been there ; and I only remembred now , that I did it according to mine owne opinion . But all the vertues , and Faith , which I had before , were suspended in me then , without my hauing strength , either to act anie thing , or euen so much , as to defend my self , against so manie assaults . The Diuel was also tampering with me , and examined me , how it came to passe , that I would needs goe shut my self vp , in so straight a House ; and that , with so manie infirmities vpon my back ; and how I would be able to vndergoe so great Pennance , and giue ouer to liue , in so goodlie , and delightfull a place , as the other was , where I had alwaies had so much gust , and so manie freinds ; and perhaps , these others , would not proue so ; That I had taken very much vpon me ; That , perhaps , it would cost me despaire , at the last ; That the Diuel had pretended , but to depriue me of repose , and peace , that so I might not be able to frequent Prayer ; and to make me grow disordered , and disturbed ; and so , by those degrees , to loose my Soule . Such things as these , assembled in such sort as I haue related , did the Diuel take care , to set before me ; and so , as that it was not almost in my power , so much as once to thinke , of anie thing els ; and by this meanes , did he bring such an affliction , and obscuritie , or rather downe-right darknes vpon my hart , as I am not able to expresse . But now , when I found my self to be in this case , I went to visit the Blessed Sacrament ; though yet I was not able to recommend my Soule , to it ; as finding my self , in my opinion , with a certaine kind of profound affliction , as if then , I had been , in no lesse , then the verie agonie of death . To treat with anie bodie , about it , I was not yet to presume ; for there was not yet so much , as a Ghostlie Father appointed for me . O my deare Lord ! what a miserable kind of life is this , which we lead , where there is no secure contentment , nor anie thing , which is not subiect to change ? It * was so very very lately , that , me thought , I would not haue exchanged my condition ( in the way of being content ) with anie Creature of the whole world ; and now , the self-same cause , euen of the self-same contentment , did so torment me , that I knew not what to doe with my self . O that we would looke , with attention , vpon the things of this world ! for , euerie bodie would then be quickly able to find , by experience , how little he were to lodge , either his contentment , or discontentment , vpon it . It is most certaine , in my opinion , that this was one of the feircest kind of fitts of affliction , that euer I had endured , in my whole life . And it seemes , as if my verie Spirit , had half prophecied , how , much did still rest behind , to be endured ; though yet , that ariued not so farre , as this , if it had continued . But now , our Blessed Lord did not permit this poore Seruant of his , to suffer long ; nor did he euer faile , to succour me , in my tribulations ; nor did he also , in this . For now he gaue me a little * light , wherewith to see , that all this , was of the Diuel ; and that I might discerne the truth ; and that the whole busines , was but to put me into a fright , by lyes ; and so , I came , by degrees , to call to mind , and to recouer the great resolutions , which I had formerly conceaued , towards the Seruice of our Blessed Lord ; as also my desires , to suffer for him . And so I grew also to consider , that if , really , I intended to fulfill them , I was not to busie my self , about procuring rest , and ease ; but if I would endure afflictions , that this was the true way , to merit ; and that , if I would goe-through with them , for the Seruice of Almightie God , they would be in stead of Purgatorie , for me ; & of what was I afrayd ? & that , since I desired afflictions , these , which were offered now , would be very fitt , & good ; and that , where the greatest contradiction was felt , the richest gaine would be found ; and why should my hart faile me , for his Seruice , to whome I owed so much ? And by these , and other considerations , and employing all the courage I had , I made a promise , in presence of the B. Sacrament , to doe all the verie vttermost , that I could , to get leaue to come to this Monasterie ; as also , if I might doe it , with safe conscience , to promise Clausure . But now , at my resoluing vpon this , the Diuel fled instantly away , and left me very quiet , and contented ; and so I haue remained euer since . And all that , which is obserued in this House , either by way of Inclosure , or Pennance , in anie kind , hath made it self both very delightfull , and seems very little . And the contentment , on the other side , is so extreamly great , that I am thinking , seuerall times , if I were able to find anie thing , in the whole world , which could be of so much gust to me , as this . I knew not also , whether , perhaps , euen this , might not be the true reason , why I enioy better health now , then euer ; or els that , perhaps , our Lord would haue it so , because perhaps , there might be some necessarie vse thereof ; and because it is but reason , that I should also doe thosethings , which are performed by all the rest ; and therefore , that he is pleased , to giue me so much comfort , as to be able to doe it , though yet , it be with some little trouble . But certainly all they , who see it , and are priuie to the great infirmities , to which I am subiect , be amazed at it . Blessed be our Lord , who giues it all ; and hath power enough , wherewith to doe it . But I failed not , in the meane time , to be very well wearied , with such a stiffe contention , and strife , as this , though yet , I laughed at the Diuel ; for I clearly saw , it was he . And I conceaue , that our Blessed Lord would permit it , because I neuer knew , till then , what it was , to be in anie disgust , for being a Religious woeman ; Nor did I euer find anie , during the space of eight and twentie yeares , and more , that I had been one . But now , his Diuine Maiestie permitted it to come vpon me , to the end , that I might the better vnderstand the great Fauour , which it had pleased our Lord , to doe me in that State ; yea and the torment , from which he had freed me ; as also , to the end , that , if afterward I saw anie one , who should be afflicted in the same kind , I might not be frighted at it , but might both haue compassion of her , and know also , how to giue her comfort , if there should be cause . But now hauing passed this brunt , and being desirous to rest a little , when I should haue dined , ( for , in all the night before , I had taken none ; as also in manie other nights , I had not failed of care , and trouble enough , when yet I was also tired out , in the dayes ; as they knew , very well , what passed , not only in the Monasterie , but in the Cittie , there was growne , to be a great deale of noise , and disquiet , vpon the occasions , which haue been formerly touched , yea and there seemed , to be some coulour , for the same ) iust then , the Prioresse required me , to be called ; and that I must goe to her , at the instant . And meeting with her commandment , I left my Religious , full of paine , and care , and so , instantly , went to her . But I then perceaued well , that I was to be sure of troubles enow ; though yet the House , being then dispatched , I was not in very much paine . Howsoeuer , I betooke my self to Prayer , beseeching our Blessed Lord , to be good to me ; and begging of my Father S. Ioseph , that he would bring me back againe , to his House ; and , in the meane time , I offered-vp all that , which I might chance to endure , for his sake ; and I was to be very well pleased , if it fell out , that I might suffer anie thing for him , or be able to serue him . And so I went away , with opinion , that they would instantly commit me to Prison . Whereby I yet conceaue , that they would so , haue done me , a great deale of pleasure ; for then , I should not haue been vexed with their talking ; and I should haue enioyed a little Solitude , whereof I was in very great want ; for they had euen , as it were , grinded me to dust , by forcing me , to conuerse so long , with such a multitude of people . But being then ariued , and hauing giuen account of my self , to the Superiour , she was a little appeased ; and they all agreed , to send me to the Prouincial ; and so the Cause was to depend , before him . And as soone , as I was come thither , for Iudgement , I found my self with much contentment , to see , that I was suffering somewhat , for the loue of our Lord. For , as for hauing done anie thing , either against his Diuine Maiestie , or yet against the Order , I conceaued not , that I had offended , but rather had endeauoured to augment it , to the vttermost of my power ; and would be glad , with my whole hart , to dye for it . For , all my desires were , that it might be fulfilled , according to the vttermost perfection . But in the meane time , I called to minde the Sentence , which was passed vpon Christ our Lord ; and I acknowledged , what a Nothing this was , in respect of his . I accused my self then , as in fault , yea and as very faultie ; and so I make no doubt , but I was , in the opinions of all them , who knew not very much , of the Cause . And after they had giuen me a great reprehension , ( though not yet , with so much rigour , as the fault might seem to deserue ; and as manie of them told the Prouincial , that I had committed ) I was absolutly , for my part , resolued , to hold on this course . And so I rather desired , that they should pardon me ; and then punish me , if they would ; but by no meanes , remaine vnkinde , or ill-affected , towards me . In some things , I plainly saw , that they had no reason at all , against me ; but that they condemned me , without cause ; as when they sayd , I had done , whatsoeuer I had done , to the end , that I might be held in great opinion , and to be talked of ; and such other toyes , as that . But in others , I saw clearly , that they sayd true ; as namely , that I was much worse , then the rest ; and that , since I had not kept the Obseruances of that House , which were maintained , with so much pietie , and deuotion there , how could I come to thinke of performing another Rule , of more rigour ? and , that this , was but to raise-vp nouelties in the world , and to scandalize the people . But yet , all this , caused no tumult in my hart , nor put mee to anie paine at all ; though yet I shewed to be in some ; least otherwise , they might conceaue , that I vndervalued what they sayd . But , in fine , the Prouincial commanded me , to giue account of my self , to them of the former Monastery , and that I must necessarily doe it . And so , being at great peace within my self ; and our Lord assisting me therein ; I gaue such a discharge of my actions , as that neither the Prouincial , nor the Religious Woemen , who were in that Assemblie , found anie thing , for which to condemne me . After this , I spoke more plainly to him , in priuate ; and I did it also more at large ; and he was very well satisfyed with me ; and promised me , that , if the Cittie should proceed towards a being quiet againe , he would giue me leaue to goe to my Monasterie . But the disorder , and distemper of the Cittie , was so very great , as I shall now declare . Within two or three dayes , after that time , the Gouernour , and other Magistrates of the Towne , and some also of the Chapter of the Cathedrall Church , mett togeather ; and they all declared ioyntly , That , by no meanes , they must permit the worke , to goe forward ; That it would result , to the euidēt disaduantage of the Common-Wealth ; That they must not faile , to remoue the B. Sacrament , from thence ; and , by no meanes , permit the busines , to proceed . One onlie Doctour of S. Dominick's Order , although he were of a contrarie opinion to vs ( I meane not , in that point of the Monasterie , but in that other , of being incapable of Reuenue , and Poore ) sayd , that there was no cause , why the House should instantly be dissolued , after that manner , but that it ought to be well considered ; That there would be time enough , for this ; That it was a Case , which belonged to the Bishop ; and diuerse other things , of this kind , which did very much good to the busines . For , considering how great the furie of the people was , it was happie , that they did not put the dissoluing of the House , presently , in execution . And this shewed , that the thing , in fine , was to take effect ; and that our Blessed Lord , was pleased , to haue it so ; and that they all could doe little , against his will , and pleasure ; but yet , they all assigned their reasons , and expressed good zeale , in what they sayd . And yet thus , without their giuing offence to Almightie God , they made both me , and diuerse others suffer , who fauoured the Busines . The tumultuous disposition of the people , was so great , that now there was no talke of anie thing els ; and they all agreed , in condemning me ; and in going to complaine of me , to the Prouincial , and to my Monasterie . As for me , I was no more troubled , at what they sayd , then if they had not sayd it ; but the onlie feare I had , was , whether , or no , they would dissolue the House ; for , this put me to a great deale of paine ; and so also did it , to see , that the persons , who assisted me , lost credit , and were otherwise also put to much inconuenience by it . But as for that , which they sayd of me , I was rather glad of it , then otherwise . And if I had had anie Faith , it would haue made no alteration in me at all ; but when there is a want in some one vertue , all the rest are wont to be cast into a kind of slumber . And so I was much troubled , during those two dayes , wherein the two Assemblies , whereof I spake , were made amongst the people . And I being very much afflicted , our Lord said these words to me : Dost thou not knovv , that I am povverfull ? Of vvhat art thou afrayd ? And thus did he assure me , that the House should not be dissolued ; whereby I remained full of comfort . But then , did they dispatch their Agents , or Sollicitours , to the Councell Royall , with their Informations ; and so , there came order from thencė , to send a Relation thither , of the whole proceeding . So that heet , we might behold the beginning of a great Suite in Law ; for already , some were gone to the Court , on the part of the Cittie ; & others were instantly to goe , on the part of the Monasterie ; and , on the other side , neither had we anie monie , nor did I know , what to doe ; but our Lord prouided all things , for vs. And as for me , my Father Prouinciall did neuer forbid me to deale in it ; for he is so true a friend to all Vertue , that , although he did not assist in the worke , yet he would not be against it ; though yet withall , it be very true , that he would neuer giue me leaue , to passe to this new Monasterie , till he might see , what kind of end the Busines would haue . In the meane time , the Seruants of God , were all alone , and did more , with their prayers , then all that , which I was able to doe , by way of negotiation ; though yet still , it were necessarie , to vse diligence enough . Sometimes it would seem , that all was wanting ; and especially one day , before the Prouinciall came hither , when the Prioresse commanded me , not to treat anie more , about that busines , but to giue it vtterly ouer . But then went I to Almightie God , and sayd : O my Lord ; This House is not mine , but it was made for thee ; and now , there is no Creature , to negotiate the busines for vs ; and therefore , thy Diuine Maiestie must be pleased to doe it . Heervpon , I found my self really , and instantly , at so great ease , and so without anie manner of trouble , as if I had had the whole world , on my side , to employ it self for me ; and so I held all the busines , to be in safetie . Vpon this , a certaine Priest , a very great Seruant of Almightie God , who had assisted me alwaies , and was a great freind , and fauourer of all Perfection , went to the Court , to follow the busines ; and laboured in it very much ; and so also , that holie Caualier , of whome I made mention before , did very much therein , and shewed it fauour , in all kinds . He endured also great troubles , and persecutions for it , otherwise ; and I found him euer , like a Father , to it ; and so I doe also , to this day . And our Lord did still inspire them , who were our freinds , with such a deale of feruour , that euerie one of them , tooke our busines to hart , as much as if it had been properly , his owne ; and as if his whole honour , and life , had been concerned in it ; though yet , they had indeed , no other interest , then only , in regard , that they thought , it did import the Seruice of Almightie God. But now , it seemes clearly , that his Diuine Maiestie , assisted the good , and vertuous Priest , who was also a Doctour ; and he indeed , was one of them , who helped vs most ; for , the Bishop employed him about it , in his name , in a certaine great Giunta , or publique Meeting , which was framed about it ; and therein , he stood alone , for vs , against them all ; and , in fine , he found meanes to appease them . For , he made a kind of ouerture , by a certaine way , which was sufficient , to entertaine , and suspend their proceeding ; & indeed there was not anie one , who could otherwise haue sufficed , to keepe them from resoluing instantly , to employ euen their verie liues , for the ouerthrowing of the Busines . This Seruant of God , of whome I speake , was also the man , who gaue the Habit to the Religious , and set-vp the B. Sacrament there ; and he was subiect to persecution enough , for his labour . This batterie continued about half a yeare ; and , to relate in particular manner , the great troubles , which passed in all that time , would be along busines . For my part , I wondred extreamly , at what a coyle the Diuel kept against a few poore Woemen ; and how euerie bodie could vnderstand , that , forsooth , twelue Religious , and a Prioresse ( for , they were no more ) could be thought , to be of such mischeif , to a whole Cittie . I meane , such mischeif to them , who opposed it ; but as for the Religious , they were , indeed , of so austere life , that , if anie hurt , or errour , were to grow by that designe , it must be only to them . And as for being of preiudice to the place , it carried not so much , as anie apparance ; and yet they could meet with enow , who would find meanes ( and that , forsooth , with good conscience ) to crosse it . But yet now at length , they came so farre , as to affirme , that ( prouided alwaies , that they would get Reuenue , and liue vpon it ) they were content to giue way , and that the Busines might goe on . For my part , I was then so wearie , to see all them , who assisted vs , in so great trouble ( which I regarded much more , then mine owne ) that I grew to be of opinion , that it would not be very ill done , to accept their Licence , vnder the condition of hauing Reuenue , till the times might grow quieter by degrees ; and that so , we might get to be without it , afterward . At other times , I , being very imperfect , and wicked , beganne to thinke , that perhaps our Lord would not mislike , that it should be so , since we could not obtaine our end , otherwise ; and therefore , I was already growne , to consent to this Accord . But being in Prayer , the night before the finall conclusion thereof , when the Accord was euen already begunne , our Lord commanded me , that I should consent to no such thing , as they intended ; and that , if we beganne to take Reuenue , they would neuer giue vs leaue to forgoe it ; and diuerse other things , he also told me . The self same night , that holie Creature , Fray Pedro de Alcantara , appeared to me ; for then he was dead . And before also he dyed , he wrote to me ; and taking notice of the great opposition , & persecution , which was raised against vs , he sayd , he was hartily glad , that this Foundation was made with so great contradiction , and how that , serued him for a signe , that our Lord would grow to be greatly serued in this Monasterie , since the Diuel tooke such paines , to hinder it . But yet , he perswaded vs still , that we should , by no meanes , accept of liuing vpon Reuenue ; yea and he pressed this point , in two or three seuerall parts of the same Letter ; and told me , that if we persisted therein , we should grow to effect the Busines , according to our owne desire . I had already seen him , at two other seuerall times , after his death ; and I beheld the much glorie , wherein he was ; and he gaue me no apprehension of feare at all , but rather ioyed me much ; for he neuer appeared to me , but in the qualitie of a Glorifyed Bodie ; yea and full of excessiue glorie ; and so accordingly , he gaue me great ioy to see him ; saue , that he partly shewed himself , with a kind of seueritie , or rigour , when he told me , that , in no case , I should accept of Reuenue ; and why would I not follow his counsaile ? And so he instantly vanished ; and I remained amazed . I went therefore , the next day , to that Caualier ( he being the person , to whome we still carried all the busines , as to one , who assisted vs most , therein ) and I told him , what had passed ; and that he should , by no meanes , agree , to take anie Reuenue , but rather , to let the Suite goe on . Now , he was euen much more earnestly of the same mind , then I was my self ; and was very glad , to find me of his ; and afterward told me also , how vnwillingly he euer spoke , about making anie agreement , or composition . But a certaine other person , beganne againe , ere long , to declare himself against vs ; and truly , she was a good Seruant of Almighty God ; but yet she wished ( though she might haue good intentions therein ) that since the busines was in so good state , they might doe well , to put it into the hands of Lawyers . Vpon this , I had a great deale of disquiet ; for , some of them , who assisted megrew also to be of that opinion ; though yet , indeed , it were a verie trick of the Diuel ; and perhaps , it was a morsell of the hardest desgestion , of all the rest . But our Lord assisted me in all ; for , that , is the summe of the busines ; and it is no easie thing , to giue all that , to be well vnderstood , which passed , between the beginning , and finishing , of this Monasterie ; although this last half yeare , and the other , which was the first , were the most troublesome parts of the whole time . Yet now , the Cittie being growne , in some sort , to be appeased , that Father of S. Dominick's Order , who was a Graduate in Theologie , layd so handsomly about him ( though he were not present then ) that he assisted vs much . Our Lord brought him also afterward , in a certaine coniuncture of time , when he did vs a great deale of good ; and it seemed , that his Diuine Maiestie had induced him to that iourney , for that onlie purpose . For , himself told me afterwards ; that he had no occasion at all , to come , but only , by haueing heard of this busines ; and that he grew to know of it , meerly , by chance . He stayed heer , as long as was necessarie ; and when he was returning home , he procured , by certaine meanes , which he vsed , that our Father Prouincial should giue leaue , both that I , and some others also , might come to stay , at our new Monasterie ; which yet seemed a kind of impossible thing , for him to grant , so soone ; yea and that I might also doe the office of teaching , and instructing such , as were there already . But the day , when I got thither , was of extreame comfort to my hart . For , being in Prayer in the Church , before I entred into the Monasterie , and being in a kind of Rapt , I saw Christ our Lord appeare ; and , me thought , he receaued me with great loue , and put a Crowne vpon my head ; & gaue me thākes for the Seruice , which I had done to his Mother . At another time also , we being all , in the Quire , and in Prayer , after Compline , I saw our B. Ladie , in excessiue glorie , with a white Mantle , vpon , and about her ; and she seemed to shelter , and protect vs all , vnder that Mantle ; and I vnderstood , how high a degree of glorie , our Blessed Lord would vouchsafe to the Religious of that House . When we came once to celebrate the Office of the Church , the deuotion , which the people beganne to carrie towards vs , was very great ; and already , there grew to come more Religious to vs ; and our Lord beganne also , to incline euen them , to doe vs most fauour , and , most bountifully , to impart all things to vs , who had persecuted vs most . And they came to approue that , which they had misliked before ; and so , by little and little , they let their Suite fall . And they sayd , that now they were come to vnderstand , that it was the worke of Almightie God , since his Diuine Maiestie had been pleased , that it should proceed , and prosper , in despight of so great contradiction . Yea now , there is not a Creature , who conceaues , that it had been well done , to desist from the Worke ; and accordingly , they take much care , to prouide vs with Almes , euen without our desiring anie thing , at anie time , of anie bodie . So that , it seemes , our Blessed Lord stirres them vp , to send it to vs , of themselues ; and so we passe without the want of anie thing , in the world , which is necessarie ; and I hope in our Blessed Lord , that it shall , for euer , be so . For , being so few , as we are , if withall we shall doe our dutie , ( as now his Diuine Maiestie giues vs grace to doe , ) I make my self very sure , that we shall want nothing ; and so , haue no occasion , to be troublesome , or importunate , towards anie Creature ; but that , as I was saying , our Lord will take care of vs heerafter , as he hath been pleased to doe , hitherto . And * for me , it is an excessiue comfort , to see my self setled heer , with such Seruants of Almightie God , as are so totally vntyed , from all the persons , and things of this world . Their conuersation , and discourse , is only , how they may be able , to proceed best , and fastest , in the Seruice of his Diuine Maiestie . Solitude is the greatest Solace , they can enioy ; and to thinke that they shall see anie Creature , but only such , as may assist them , towards the enkindling ; and inflaming their harts , to the loue of their Spouse , is the greatest trouble they haue ; yea though it should be , from the neerest kindred they know . And so , there comes no bodie hither , but such as loue to treat of that busines ; for , neither would he content them ; nor they , him . And their language being only to speake of our Blessed Lord , as it is , they neither vnderstand , nor be vnderstood , vnlesse the same language be spoken . We keepe , and obserue the Rule of our B. Ladie of Carmel ; and this , entirely , as it ought to be , without anie manner of relaxation ; but iust as it was ordained , by Albertus , Patriarch of Ierusalem ; and confirmed , by Pope Innocentius the Fourth , in the Fifth yeare of his Pontificate ; and in the yeare of our Lord God , 1248. So as now , me thinkes , all the troubles , and vexations , which haue been endured , about this Busines , will fall out to haue been very well employed . And though the Rule be of some rigour ( for , they neuer eate Flesh , without necessitie ; and they * Fast , eight moneths , in the yeare ; and obserue such other things also , as may be seen in the Originall Rule ) yet most of the particulars , seem to be of little difficultie , to the Religious ; & they obserue also other things , which haue seemed necessarie to vs , for the more exact performance of the sayd Rule . And I hope in our Blessed Lord , that this , which is begunne , will proceed , and prosper , according to what his Diuine Maiestie hath told me . The other House , which the Beata , of whome I spake before , procured to erect , is now already made , in Alcalà ; and there wanted not also oppositions , and great afflictions , and troubles , to them , who laboured in it . I know , that all Religious Obseruance , is performed there , according to the first Institution of this our Rule ; and I beseech our Blessed Lord , that all may turne to his honour , and praise ; and of the Glorious Virgin Marie , whose Habit we weare ; Amen . I well beleiue , that your Reuerence will haue been wearyed , with the long Relation , which I I haue made you , of this Monasterie ; which yet , in some respect , will fall-out to haue been but very short ; considering the manie afflictions , which were endured ; and the great wonders , which our Blessed Lord wrought therein ; whereof there are manie witnesses , who can auerre them , by Oath . And now I beseech your Reuerence , for the loue of our Lord , that , howsoeuer you may teare what you will , of all the rest that I haue written , your Reuerence will keepe safe , what I send you heer , concerning this Monasterie ; and that , when I shall be dead , you will deliuer it ouer , to the Religious heer . For , it will greatly serue to animate such , as shall succeed in the Seruice of Almightie God ; and to make them procure , not to let that fall to the ground , which is begunne ; and so , to be still passing further , and further , on , when they shall see , how carefully his Diuine Maiestie blessed it , in the erection thereof , by meanes of so wicked , and base a Creature , as my self . And since our Blessed Lord hath shewed , in so particular a manner , that he was resolued to fauour , both the beginning , and finishing of this Monasterie , it seemes to me , that they shall doe very ill , and that they will be seuerely punished , by Almightie God , who shall endeauour , at all , to slacken the perfection of this Rule . For heer , our Blessed Lord hath already begunne , so to assist , and strengthen vs , as that this kind of Crosse , is carried with extraordinary suauity , and is very well discerned , to be tollerable enough ; and that , great preparation is also vsed , and prouision made , for euerie one of them , who shall desire to enioy their Spouse Iesus-Christ , our Lord , hand to hand , by liuing chearfully , and euerlastingly , in the sayd Rule . For , this is that verie thing , which they are alwaies to resolue . They alone , with him alone ; and they are to be no more , then thirteen ; for I see , by the opinion of manie , that this is fitt ; and I haue found it also to be true , by experience , That to preserue that Spirit , which they haue , and to liue of Almes , * without asking anie thing of anie Creature , there will not be meanes for more . And euer , let them be beleiued best , who , with manie troubles of their owne , and by meanes of the manie prayers of others , procured , that that might be done , which was best . And so also , by the consideration of the great contentment , and ioy , and the very little care , and trouble , which we see euerie bodie to haue in this House ; as also by the much better health , which now they haue , then formerly they were wont to enioy , it may be held , and hoped , that this course will fall-out to be most conueniēr . And , whosoeuer shall still conceaue , that the way of life heer , is too seuere , and sharpe , let him rather apply the fault , to his owne want of Spirit , then cast it vpon that Discipline , which is obserued heer ; since persons , who are of delicate constitution , and haue no health , of which to brag , doe yet so easily obserue this Rule , because they haue Spirit . And let those others goe , in God's name , to some other Monasterie , where they also may be saued , according to the Spirit , which they shall haue . THE SEAVEN AND THIR TIETH CHAPTER . She treates of the Effects , vvhich vsed to remaine in her Soule , vvhen our Lord had done her anie Fauour ; and she accompanies this Discourse , vvith very profitable Doctrine . She declares also , hovv vve are to procure , and greatly esteem the gaining of one degree of glorie more ; and hovv vve must not , for anie trouble , or paines , forsake those benefits , and blessings , vvhich are euerlasting . I Am loath to recount anie more of those Fauours , which our Lord hath done me , then such , as I haue related already ; yea and euen they , are more , I doubt , then need to be thought , to haue been shewed , to so miserable a Creature , as my self ; but yet , to obey our Lord , who hath commanded it , and your Reuerence also , who expect it , I will declare some things heer , to his glorie . And I humbly beseech his Diuine Maiestie , that it may serue for the profit of some Soule , to see , that our Blessed Lord would vouchsafe , so highly to fauour so wretched a thing , as I am ; for then , what will he not doe for such others , as shall procure to serue his Diuine Maiestie , in good earnest ? And euerie bodie will so be encouraged heerby , to giue our Lord contentment , and gust ; since , euen in this mortall life of ours , he vouchsafes to impart to vs , such assurances , and euen pawnes of his loue . But first , it is heer to be vnderstood , that in all these Fauours , which Almightie God is pleased to doe to a Soule , there is euer ; more glorie , or lesse ; as he himself is pleased to impart it more , or lesse . For , the glorie , and gust , and comfort , which he imparts , is so much more , in some Visions , then in other , as that I was euen amazed , to find so great difference of enioying , euen in this life . For it happens , that there is so great an excellencie , belonging to some one Regalo , or gust , which our Lord imparts , in some one Vision , or in some one Rapt , that it seemes an impossible thing , to be able so much as to desire anie thing , beyond it , in this life ; nor doth the Soule , indeed , desire more ; nor would euen wish , for more ioy , and gust ; though yet , since our Blessed Lord hath been pleased , to giue me to vnderstand , how great the difference is , in Heauen , between the glory , which is enioyed by some , & that , which is enioyed by others , I am come to see very clearly , that euen heer also , there are no set limits in giuing , when our Lord pleases . And so could I also wish , that there were no limits set , in my doing Seruice to his Diuine Maiestie , but that I would employ my whole strength , and health , and life , vpon it ; that so , I might not loose the least imaginable proportion , of my enioying anie Celestiall blessing , through anie fault of mine . And heerin I declare my self , thus farre , That , if this choice should be offered me , Whether I would be subiect to all afflictions of the world , euen till the end of the same world , and then ascend , by that meanes , to the enioying of neuer so little more glorie ; or els , without anie affliction at all , to enioy a little lesse glorie ; I would most willingly accept of all those troubles , and afflictions , for a little more enioying ; that so I might also vnderstand more , of the greatnes of Almightie God ; because I see , that he , who vnderstands more of him , doth both praise him , and loue him , so much the more . I say not , but that I should be fully contented , and should esteem my self , very happie , to be in Heauen , though it were but in the most inferiour place thereof ; for our Blessed Lord would shew an abundance of mercie thereby , to such an one , as had been designed to Hell-Fire , as I was ; and I humbly pray his Diuine Maiestie , that he will not cast his eye vpon my great Sinnes , but that , in fine , I may goe to Heauen . But that , which I say , is this , That , if our Lord would giue me grace , to labour much for him , and if I were able , to doe it , I would not , vpon anie tearmes ( how much paine soeuer , it might cost me ) forgoe the gaine of anie thing , in the way of Celestiall glorie , by my fault , ( miserable Creature , that I am ) who had once lost it all , through mine owne great Sinnes . But heer it is also to be noted , that , in euerie Fauour , or Vision , or Reuelation , which our Lord allowed me , my Soule did still remaine , with some great aduantage , or gaine ; and sometimes , with a gaine , which was very extraordinarily great , by meanes of some of my Visions . For , by my seing Christ our Lord , his admirable , and excessiue beautie , remained imprinted in me ; and I haue it , euen to this day ; for , in such a case , as this , one onlie time serues the turne ; and therefore , how much more , when it happens so very often , as our Lord hath vouchsafed to impart it to me . In particular , I remained with one , which was extreamly considerable ; and it was this . I was subiect to a very great fault , by which , much hurt came vpon me , whensoeuer I beganne to obserue , that anie one had a good inclination to me . For if I liked him well , I grew to carrie so much affection to him , as that my memorie , would bind me , after a sort , to be still thinking of him , though yet , it were not , at all , with anie intention to offend Almightie God ; and I would also be very glad to see him , and to thinke of him , and to consider the good parts , which I found in him ; and this , was so preiudiciall a thing , that it did my Soule a great deale of hurt . But when once , I was come to behold the great Beautie of our Blessed Lord , I saw no Creature after that , which might seeme passable , in comparison of him ; nor , who was able to take-vp my thought , for one minute . For , by casting the eye of my consideration , vpon that Image , or Picture of him , which is engrauen in my Soule , I haue remained with so much Libertie of Minde , in this respect , that , euerie thing , which I haue seen , since that time , makes me readie , almost , to cast the gorge , in comparison of the excellencies , and ayre , and grace , which I discerned to abound in this Lord of mine . Nor is there anie knowledge , or comfort , which I can , at all , esteem , in comparison of that , which growes by the hearing of one single word , which proceeds out of that Diuine mouth of his ; and much more , when I haue heard so manie , and so often , from him . Nay , I hold it to be a kind of impossible thing ( vnlesse our Lord should permit it , in respect of my Sinnes ) that euer I can loose the memorie of this blessing ; or that anie Creature can euer so possesse me , as that I shall not instantly be free , by recouering the remembrance of this Lord. It hapned to me sometimes , with some Ghostlie Fathers of mine , ( for I alwaies loue them much , who gouerne my Soule , in regard , that I take them truly , as in the place of Almightie God himself ; and me thinkes , it is euer there , where I employ my affection , most ) that esteeming my self to be in securitie with them , I would be apt to shew them extraordinary ciuilityes ; whereas they , on the other side , ( as being great Seruants of Almightie God ) would be , not only carefull , but fearefull , least I should fasten , or tye my self , too much , to them , though it should be , in a most innocent manner ; and they would shew themselues , euen to be displeased at it . Now , this grew in me , after I had made my self subiect , to be be directed , and euen commanded , by them ; for before , I did not beare them so much loue . But the while , I confesse , I would be laughing sometimes , within my self , to consider , how extreamly they were deceaued ; though yet , I would not alwaies be telling them , so clearly , how little I vsed to tye myself to anie Creature , as I was sure of it , in myself . But yet , I gaue them certaintie enough of it ; and when once they were growne to be more inward , and more confident with me , they came to know , how particularly I was obliged to our Blessed Lord , in that kind . But these suspitions , which they had of me , were neuer wont to occurr , but in the beginnings . Besides , there grew to be , both more loue , and more confidence , between this Lord of mine , and me , after I had seen him ; as one , with whome I was come , to haue a kind of continuall conuersation . I saw , that though he were God , he was also Man ; and that he did not wonder , at our weaknes ; for , he well knowes our miserable condition , and composition , which is subiect to take Falls of so manie kindes , by that first Sinne of Adam , which he , was come to repaire , Nay I see , that , although he be my Lord , I may yet treat with him , as with a Freind ; because he is not such a kind of Lord , as we are wont to meet with , in this world , who pinne all the Lordlynesses , which they haue , vpon a certaine kind of changeable ; and remoueable demonstrations ; and who must giue , but particular , and set dayes , for Audience ; and so , the persons , whome they will heare , must be appointed , and named . And if perhaps anie poore Creature haue a busines , there must be vse of labour , and fauour , and a walking in By-Wayes , before it can be euer negotiated , or concluded . And if perhaps they haue anie thing to doe with the King himself , alas poore folkes ; for they , who touch not vpon the Caualier , or great man , must not so much as presume to approach , but be content to aske , who the Fauorites are . And now , they will certainly , not fall out to be such , as vse to tread the world vnder their feet ; because such persons as these , are wont to speake reall truths ; for , they neither feare anie thing ; nor owe anie thing ; nor , in fine , are anie part of the Pallace . For there , these things are not vsed ; but to dissemble , whatsoeuer they dislike ; nay , they scarce dare so much as thinke , for feare , least they should grow by it , into lesse fauour . O King of Glorie , and Lord of all the Kings of this world ! how true is it , that thy Kingdome is not guarded by Sticks , and strawes , since , in it self , it hath no end ? How true is it , that there is no need of third persons , to introduce vs , to Audience with thee ? For , by our verie seing thy selfe , we instantly see withall , that thou , only , dost indeed deserue , to be called Lord ; So great is the Maiestie , which thou shewest . Nor is there heer anie need at all , of Assembles , and Guards , in Court , whereby thou maist be knowne to be King. Whereas , if anie Earthlie King were left alone , he would hardly be knowne to be King ; and how much soeuer himself might desire it , yet the people would haue difficultie to beleiue it . For , in himself , he is no more , then others are ; and therefore , we must either see him so adorned , and attended , first , or els , we shall hardly belieiue afterward , that he is the King. And he hath therefore , so much more reason , to serue himself of these externall aduantages , and helps ; for els , they would not hold him in account ; because his seeming to be so powerfull , depends not vpon the inward , and innate dignitie of his Person ; but his State is deriued to him , from others . But , O , thou , my Lord , and my King , that I were able now , to represent that Maiestie , which thou hast ? For , it is impossible to forbeare to see , that thou art the great Emperour of the whole world , in thy self ; and that thy Maistie doth euen astonish the beholders . But yet , it puts me to more amazement , O my Lord , to see , in companie thereof , the great humilitie , and loue , which thou bearest to such a wretched Creature , as my self . For , we may euer speake , and treat with thee , about all things , euen as we will our selues , when once we shall haue lost that first amazement , and feare , to see the Maiestie of thy Presence ; though yet then , we shall haue more feare to offend thee , then to see thee ; yea and yet , euen that , not so much for being , O Lord , afrayd of thy punishment , ( for , we doe not esteem that , at all ) as in respect of the miserie , which it is , to loose thy verie self . Behold heer , the benefits of this Vision ; besides manie other great ones , which it leaues in the Soule . And if it be of Almightie God , it makes it self be vnderstood , by the effects , whensoeuer the Soule hath Light ; for , manie times , as I haue sayd , our Lord is pleased , that it should remaine in darknes , and not see this Light ; and therefore , it is not so strange a busines , which so wicked a Creature as my self , may come to see . On the other side , it is but euen now , that it hath hapned to me , to be eight dayes , in such a case , as that I seemed , neither to haue knowledge of what I owe to Almightie God , not yet , anie memorie of his Fauours ; but only , that my Soule was euen halfe besotted , and estranged , and employed vpon I know not what , nor how . Not yet , vpon anie ill thoughts ; but I was so very vntoward , in respect of good ones , that I did euen , as it were , laugh at my self ; and tooke a kind of gust , to see the great basenes of a Soule , whensoeuer our Lord vouchsafes not to be working , in it . But she yet vnderstands very well , that she is not without possessing him , euen in this State ; for it is not ( as I haue formerly sayd ) as it vses to be , in our great afflictions ; but , though we bring wood thither , and doe also , all that verie little , which we are able to doe on our part , there is yet , no such thing , in the world , as the kindling , at that time , of anie fire , of the loue of our Lord , in our harts . And it is no small mercie of his , that we can so much as find , that there is anie smoake ; for , at least , we know thereby , that she is not dead ; and our Lord returnes to kindle it againe , afterward . But then , this Soule of ours ( though we breake our verie heads in blowing , and wearie our selues also otherwise , in ordering , and composing the wood ) seemes to be in such a condition , as that euerie thing serues , to choake vs , the more . And so , I thinke , the best of our case to be then , to render our selues wholy vp ; and to know , that we are able to doe nothing of our selues ; and then to apply our endeauours , to the doing of some externall , meritorious things . Yea and perhaps our Blessed Lord is pleased , to take Prayer from vs , at that time ; to the end , that the Soule may exercise her self in those other actions , and so vnderstand , at length , by good experience , how little she was able to doe , of her self . But now I haue , this verie day , regaled my Soule , with our Lord ; and presumed to complaine to his Diuine Maiestie , euen against himself , to this effect : How comes it to passe , O my God , that it seemes not enough for thee , to keep me in this miserable life ; and that I resolue , to endure it all , for thy sake ; and that I content my self to be , where all is vexation , and trouble ; and that I may not so much as enioy , euen thee ; but that I must also eat , and sleepe , and dispatch businesse , and treat with euerie Creature , according to the occasion , and that I suffer all this , for the loue of thee ? And now , O my Lord , thou knowest , that this is an extreame torment , to my hart ; and that yet , in those few little moments of time , which remaine to me , for the enioying thee , thou yet art pleased to hide thy self , after this manner , from me . And how can this be compatible with thy mercie ? and how can the loue , thou bearest me , permit it ? I beleiue , O my deare Lord , that , if it were a possible thing for me , to hide my self from thee , as thou dost thy self from me , I thinke , I say , and I beleiue so much , of the loue thou bearest me , as that thou wouldst not endure it at my hands . But thou art still with me ; and euer seest in what case I am . Yet permit not longer , O my Lord , that this kind of course be held , but I humbly beseech thee to consider , that it is a kind of wrong , to proceed after this manner , with one who loues thee so much . This , and the like , hath occurred to me , to say ; though yet I considered first , how that place , which had been prouided for me , in Hell , was appointed me , after a kind of fauourable way , in comparison of what I had deserued . But yet sometimes , the loue I beare to our Blessed Lord , is so very extrauagant , that I scarce can tell , what I doe ; and then , with all the little vnderstanding I haue , I make such cōplaints , as these ; and our Lord endures them all , at my hands ; and therefore , let so good a King , as this , be euer praised . But now , might we , perhaps , be able , to approach anie King of this world , with such audacities , as these ? And yet I wonder not much , that we may not presume , to talke , after this manner , to our Earthly Kings , whome we haue so much reason to feare ; yea or euen to such great Lords , as are the superiour parts of the State. For , * now we find the world so changed , that our verie liues should be longer , then now they are ; to the end , that we might haue time enough , to learne the Punto's , and new customes , and fashions , of good Manners of the world , if there be anie meaning withall , that we should also , haue anie time to spend , in the Seruice of Almightie God. For my part , I euen blesse my self , to see what happens ; for , the truth is , that euen already , I scarce knew , how to liue in the world , when I came to this place . For , now it passes , I can assure you , for no ieast , whensoeuer there is any little omission , to treat men , euen with much more Stile , and ceremonie , then they deserue ; but they doe really so take it , for an affront , that you must , forsooth , interpret your intention , and professe your desire , to make satisfaction , if there be ( as I was saying ) anie omission ; yea and I pray God , that they will vouchsafe to beleiue you . But , in the meane time , I returne to affirme , that really , I did not know how to liue ; so miserably doe these things afflict a poore ouerlaboured Soule . For she sees , that , on the one side , they command her to employ her whole thought , vpon God ; and that it is necessarie for her , to doe so ; to the end , that she may be deliuered from manie dangers ; and , on the other side , she also finds , that it concernes her , not to loose a Punto , euen in the Puntilio's of this world , vpon the price , of not chanceing to minister occasion , of giuing temptation , and trouble , to them , who place their Honour , in these Punto's . For , as for me , they tired me , euen outright ; and I could neuer be at an end , of making satisfactions ; for , it was neuer in my power ( how much soeuer I endeauoured it ) to forbeare the making manie faults , in this kind ; which , as I sayd , are not held , to be little , in the account of the world . And it is true , that , in Religious Orders , ( which , in all reason , should be excused , and discharged , in such kinds , as these ) there is really a very true discharge . Not yet that they affirme , that our Monasteries ought to be a kind of Court , for good breeding , and to know , what belongs to good Manners , ( for I confesse , I vnderstand not this kind of language ) but because I haue been thinking , that our Saints had antiently affirmed , and taught , that a Monasterie should be a kind of Court , to instruct such persons , as had a minde , to make themselues Courtiers , in the Kingdome of Heauen . But now , things are vnderstood in the direct contrarie way ; because they , who should be continually employed , in pleasing Almightie God , and in procuring to abhorre the world , must now , forsooth , be obliged to all attention , and care ( in stead of pleasing God ) to please such , as liue in the world ; yea and that , in certaine things , which are euerie day so subiect to change , that I know not , how our performances could passe vn-reproued ; yea though it were possible , that all might be learned , in one Lesson , without anie losse at all , of more time . Yea , and euen for the Titles , which are expected , vpon the Superscription of Letters , it were now , it seemes , not to be vnfitt , that there were some Doctours-Chaire erected ( as one may say ) where they might instruct , and teach , how such , and such Titles , were to be vsed . For sometimes , men leaue the Paper emptie , on one side of the page of the Letter , and sometimes on the other . And now he , who was not wont , to be VVorshipfull , must be called Honourable ; and I know not , in fine , where things will rest . For , I am not yet fiftie yeares old , and yet I haue seen such changes in my time , that I cannot tell now , how to liue . But then , how will they , who are now borne , know , how to carrie themselues , if they chance to liue long ? I haue really great compassion of Spirituall persons , who are obliged to liue in the world , for certaine holie ends ; for , I hold it to be a kind of terrible Crosse , which they are faine to carrie , euen in this respect . If they could all come to agree in a tale , and professe themselues to be ignorant , and be content to be held for such , in this kind of art , or science , they might free themselues , from a great deale of trouble . But now , into what kind of fooleties , haue I cast my self ? For , by treating of the greatnesses of Almightie God , I am growne , by degrees , to speake of the basenesses of the world . And since our Lord hath done me the Fauour , to make me able to leaue it , I am resolued to goe out of it , now at length . Let them fitt themselues to it , as they list , who sustaine , and hold-vp these toyes , with so much trouble to themselues ; and I pray God , that we may not pay dearly for them , in the other world , where there is no change to be found , Amen . THE EIGHT AND THIRTIETH CHAPTER . VVherein she treats of some great Fauours , vvhich our Lord vvas pleased to doe her , as vvell , in acquainting her vvith certaine Secrets of Heauen , as by giuing her other great Visions , and Reuelations . She declares also the effects , vvhich they left in her Soule ; and the great benefits , vvhich she obtained by them . BEing so very ill at ease , one night , that I thought fitt to excuse my self from Prayer , I tooke a Paire of Beades , or Rosarie , into my hand , to employ my self Vocally , by that meanes . And I procured not to recollect my Vnderstanding , in anie very serious manner ; though yet , forasmuch as concerned my exteriour , I was sufficiently recollected , and in my Oratorie . But when our Blessed Lord hath a minde to anie thing , these diligences of ours , to the contrarie , are not wont to serue to anie great purpose . For , I remaining a while , after this manner , there came a Rapt of Spirit vpon me , with such an excessiue impulse , or impetuositie , that there was no power in me , to resist it . It seemed to me , that I was carried vp , and placed in Heauen ; yea , and the first persons , whome I saw there , were my Father , and my Mother ; and I also saw some things besides , so very great , and all , in so very short a space of time , as wherein an Aue Maria might be sayd , that I was amazed ; as conceauing , that it was too very great a Fauour for me . In this circumstance , of the times haueing been so short , I may perhaps be deceaued ; for it may haue been a little longer ; but at least , it ranne speedily away , and seemed short enough . For my part , I was in some feare of an Illusion ; but yet , supposing that it should proue none , I found my self in an extreame deale of shame , with considering , how I could euer be able to declare anie such thing , as that , to my Ghostlie Father . Not yet , in my opinion , that I was to receaue trouble by it , in respect of anie such thing , as Humilitie , in me , but because I thought it likelie enough , that he would make some ieast at it , and say : Lord , what a kind of S. Paul , or S. Ierome , is this woeman growne , that she , forsooth , must see things of Heauen ! yea and besides , in regard , that these Glorious Saints , had participated , and been admitted to such things , as these , I grew to be in so much the more feare of my self ; and really , I did nothing but weepe bitterly , in regard , that , in my opinion , there was no apparance of reason at all , that these things were to passe , after this manner . But yet howsoeuer , in fine I resolued , that I would goe to my Ghostlie Father , notwithstanding all the auersion , which I had ; and that I would acquaint him with all things ; for I neuer durst conceale anie thing , from him , through the very great feare , wherein I was , of being abused , and deceiued . Yet when he found me to be so greatly afflicted , he did procure to comfort me much ; and told me of manie good things , to free me from the paine , wherein I was . But afterward , that which followes , hapned to me ; and the same occurrs to me often . For , our Lord went shewing me yet , greater Secrets ; I say , he went shewing them to me ; for , that a Soule should euer be able to see anie one iott more , then is represented to her by our Lord , is absolutly an impossible thing ; and for my part , I neuer saw more , then meerly , what he was pleased to shew me , at euerie seuerall time . But that , was so very much , that the least part thereof , sufficed , to make me remaine all amazed , and my Soule to be very much improued , towards the vndervalue , and dis-esteem of whatsoeuer thing might be in this world . I would be extreamly glad , if I could tell , how to giue some little part of the least of that , which I knew , to be vnderstood ; but I find , that it is wholy impossible . For , though this Light , which we see heer , and that Light , which is represented there , be , all of it , Light : yet still , there is so great a difference withall , as that there is no manner of comparison . For , the claritie , and brightnes , euen of the verie Sunne it self , is a thing of meane , and poore apparance , in respect of this . In fine , the verie Imagination of man , how subtile , and refined soeuer it may be , is yet vnable to reach to the describing anie thing of this Light ; nor yet of anie other thing at all , which our Lord was pleased to giue me to vnderstand ; and that with such a soueraigne kind of delight , as cannot possibly be declared . For , all our Senses enioy such a superiour degree of sweetnes , that it can no way be fully expressed ; and therefore I thinke it will be best , to say no more . I had once been aboue an hower , in this condition , when our Lord shewed me admirable things ; and seeming not to depart , from being neer me , he spake these verie words to me : See heer , my Daughter , vvhat they loose , vvho are against me ; & doe not thou forbeare , to let them knovv it . But , O my deare Lord ; what good will my saying it , doe to them , whome their owne actions blind so deeply , if thy Diuine Maiestie doe not giue them light ? Some there be , to whome thou hast giuen it ; and they haue profited much , by knowing those greatnesses of thine ; but yet , O my Lord , they see , in such sort , withall , that they are shewed to such a wretched , and miserable thing , as my self , that I cannot but esteem it a strange thing , to find , that anie Creature should beleiue me . Blessed be thy name , and thy mercie ; for , at least , I haue plainly seen an euident amendment , in mine owne Soule ; and I would be glad , if I might still remaine there , and not come back to liue heer , anie more . For , the contempt , wherein I held this whole world , was very great ; and it seemed to be no better , then euen dung , to me ; and now I find , how basely we be employed , who are detained therein . Whilst I remained with that Ladie , of whome I spoke before , it hapned to me once , when I was ill , and euen sick at the hart , ( for I haue formerly been subiect to this miserie , though nothing so much of late ) she considering me with much charitie , and compassion , commanded , that one day , certaine Iewells of hers , should be brought forth , which she had , of very great value ; and one , in particular , of Diamonds , which was prized at a verie high rate . Now she conceaued belike , that this would recreate , and reviue me ; but I smiled inwardly at her , the while ; and had compassion to see , how meane things men esteem , when I considered , what our Lord hath layd-vp for vs ; And I thought , how impossible a thing it would be , for me , to put anie manner of value , vpon such toyes , as those , euen though I should endeauour it , vnlesse our Lord should first depriue me of the memorie of those other treasures . But now , this kind of Fauour , giues so great a dominion to the Soule , that I know not , whether it can possibly be vnderstood , but only by such persons , as possesse it . For it is the proper , true , and naturall discharge , and vntying of the Soule , from all things created ; and this growes absolutly , without anie labour of our owne ; and Almightie God doth it all ; and then , his Diuine Maiestie shewes these Truths ; and that so , as to make them remaine imprinted , and engrauen , in the Soule ; and they serue also , to make vs see clearly , that it was not possible for vs , to acquire them , especially in so short a time , by anie diligences of our owne . Vpon this , I also came , to haue very little feare of death , which formerly , had been great in me ; but now it is growne , to seem to be a thing of very much facilitie , and ease , for such as apply themselues to the Seruice of Almightie God. For , by death , the Soule flyes out of prison , in one moment ; and is not only put presently into libertie , but enioyes an euerlasting rest , and glory . Now , this way , which is held by Almightie God , in carrying the Spirit vp , to shew her so excellent things , in these Rapts , seemes to beare a very close kind of conformitie , with the passage of a Soule , out of a Bodie , at the hower of death ; since it growes , euen at one instant , to be so entirely inpossession of this Eternall Good. But heer , I lay aside , the consideration of those sorrowes , and paines , which are felt , when the Soule is torne out of the Bodie ; for , we are to make little account of that , and they also , who loue God , in good earnest , and haue shaken hands with all the contentments of this life , are certainly wont to dye , with more sweetnes . It also seemes to me , that these Fauours did me very much good , towards the bringing me into a knowledge of our true Countrie ; and to see , that we were meer Pilgrims heer ; and it is a pretious kind of thing , to find what passes there aboue ; and to vnderstand , where , in fine , we are to liue , for euer . And whensoeuer one goes to settle , and stay , for good and all , in anie Countrie , it giues a great assistance , towards the enduring all the incommodities of the iourney , when we know , that the end of it , is to be such , as that we may , in fine , be in great repose , and happines , when we get thither . It is also heer obtained , that , with case , we may grow able to consider Heauenlie things , that so our conuersation may be there . And this is a great kind of gaine , since the onlie thinking of Heauen , recollects the Soule ; in regard that our Lord being pleased to shew vs somewhat , which passes there , we are induced to pawse , and thinke vpon it . And sometimes it so falls out , that they whome I know to liue there , are the Soules , who accompanie me , and in whome I receaue most comfort ; and these indeed are they , who seem to be truely aliue ; and those others , on the other side , who liue heer , seem to be so very deadly dead , as that this whole world , put togeather , cannot amount to be anie companie at all , for me . And especially , when I find anie of these impulses , or impetuosities , in my self , the whole world seemes to be , but a verie Dreame ; and all the obiects , of these corporeall eyes of mine , a meer ieast , and toy ; but that , which already I haue seen , with the eyes of my Soule , that , I say , is the thing , which she desires ; and because she finds her self , to be yet farre off from thence , this is that , which is no lesse , then euen death it self , to my Soule . In fine , the Fauour is excessiuely great , which our Lord vouchsafes to that Soule , to whome he giues such Visions , as these ; for , they helpe her much , in all things , and particularly , to the carrying of a certaine heauie Crosse , which lyes vpon her . For , nothing can satisfye her now ; but euerie thing disgusts , and checks her . And if our Blessed Lord did not giue way , that we might forget it sometimes , ( though yet we remember it againe afterward ) I know not how we should be able to liue . Let him be Blessed , and praised , for all Eternitie ; and I humbly begg of his Diuine Maiestie , euen by that very pretious Bloud , which his owne Sonne shed for me , that , since he hath vouchsafed , that I should vnderstand somewhat of these benefits , and blessings , and that I should beginne to enioy them also , in some kind , euen in this life , it may not happen to me , as it did to Lucifer , who lost all , by his owne fault . Doe not permit this , O my Lord , I humbly pray thee , euen by all that , which thou art ; for , it is no small feare , which I haue sometimes ; though yet at other times , yea and vsually , the mercie of Almightie God , giues me a very confident hope , that , since he hath been pleased , to draw me out of so manie Sinnes , he will not forsake me so now , as to let me be lost . And this doe I humbly pray your Reuerence , that you will euer desire , in my behalfe . But , in the meane time , me thinkes , that those precedent Fauours , were not so very great , as this , which I will now apply my self to relate ; and that , for manie reasons , & manie blessings also ; and , in particular , for that great courage , & strēgth , which haue still remained in me , vpon that account . And therefore , if those former may be considered , euerie one by it self , this other , which I am going to relate , will be found to be so very great , as that there will be no comparison at all , between them . I was one day , and the same fell out to be vpon the Vigil of Pentecost , or VVhitsontide , after Masse ; and I went to a more remote place , where I often vsed to pray ; and I beganne to read in a certaine Booke of this Feast , which had been written by a Carthusian . And meeting there , with those signes , which both Beginners , and Proficients , and Perfect Soules , vse to haue ; and how they may come to vnderstand , whether the Holie-Ghost doe inhabit their harts , or no ; as soone as I had read these three States , it seemed to me , that Almightie God , through his goodnes , did not leaue , or faile , to be present with me , after a particular manner , for as much as I might be able to vnderstand . And whilst I was praising his Diuine Maiestie , for that blessing , I remembred , that I had read the same thing formerly , when I wanted very much of that condition of minde ; and then I saw , that I wanted it , as plainly , as now I vnderstand the direct contrarie , concerning my self . But thus I came to know the great Fauour , which our Blessed Lord had done me ; and from thence , I grew also to consider the Place , which my Soule had deserued , in Hell , for my Sinnes ; and I gaue great praise to Almightie God , in regard that now , me thought , my Soule was so extreamly changed , that I could hardly almost conceaue it , to be the verie self-same thing , which it had been before . Being then , in this consideration , there came a great impulse , or impetuositie vpon me , without my being able , to vnderstand the occasion thereof . Me thought my verie Soule had a minde , to get instantly , out of my Bodie ; for now she could not possibly containe her self any longer ; nor found she her self , at that time , to be able to stay anie longer heer , in the painefull expectation of so great a Good. Now , this was so excessiue an impulse , or impetuositie , that I could not possibly tell , euen what to doe , with my self ; nor so much , as what I ayled ; so extreamly was I growne , to be in disorder . And though I were sitting then , yet was I not able , euen to sitt ; and so I applyed my self a little , to leane ; for I found , that all my naturall forces , began to faile me . But perceauing my self to be in this case , I saw a Doue , vpon mine owne head ; but such a Doue , as was very different from them of this world ; for she had not of our kind of feathers ; but the wings were , as of certaine little shells , which darred a huge splendour from themselues . This Doue was much greater , then any ordinarie Doue ; and me thought , I heard a noise , which she made with her wings ; for , she was fluttering , about the space of an Aut Maria. But my Soule was already , in such condition , that growing to loose her self , she also lost the sight of the Doue . My Spirit did then beginne to quiet it self , vpon the entertaining of such a Guest , as she had gotten ; though yet , for my part , I imagined , that so wondrous an encounter , and accident , as that was , might well haue disquieted , and frighted it . But she beginning already to enioy , layd quickly all feare aside ; and , togeather with the self same ioy , grew to haue quietnes withall , but yet still , remaining in the Rapt . Now , the glorie of this Rapt , was extreamly great ; and I remained , during the most part of the whole Festiuitie of Pentecost , so stunned , and euen , as it were , besorted , and befooled , that I knew not , what to dot with my self ; nor was I able , by anie meanes , to vnderstand , how so high , and great a Fauour , as this was , could possibly find a resting place , in me . I neither heard , nor saw , in effect ; by reason of the great excesse of my interiour ioy I vnderstood , how , from that day forward , my Soule remained with a very great encrease of improuement , by enioying a more sublime loue of Almightie God ; and that my vertues also , had gained a great encrease of strength . Now , let him be blessed , and praised , for all eternities , Amen . I saw also , at another time , the same Doue , vpon the head of a certaine Father , of S. Dominick's Order ; saue that , me thought , both the beames , and the brightnes of the verie wings , did spread , and extend themselues , much further ; and it was giuen me then , to vnderstand , that he was to winne Soules to God. Another time , I saw our Blessed Ladie , putting a white long Garment , vpon the back of a certaine Graduate , of the same Order ; of whome I haue spoken formerly , diuerse times ; and she told me , that she had giuen him that Mantle , for hauing assisted in the Busines of this House ; and that his Soule should be defended , and preserued , for the future , in such puritie , as that he should not fall into Mortall Sinne. And I assure my self , it proued so ; for he dyed , within few yeares , after ; yea and he did both line , and dye , with so great Per nance , and sanctitie , that there can be no doubt thereof , for anie thing , that we are able to vnderstand . And a certaine Religious man , who had been at his death , told me , that S. Thomas of Aquin , had been with him ; and that he dyed , both with great ioy , and with desire also , to be deliuered from this bannishment , wherein he was . Since that time he hath appeared to me , in very much glorie ; and told me , diuerse things . He was a man of so great Prayer , that when a little before he dyed , he would gladly haue forborne the exercise thereof , through his great weaknes , he was not able to doe it ; for euen then , he had manie Rapts . He wrote to me , a little before he dyed , about what course I thought he were best to take , for helpe , because euer , as soone as he had done Masse , he vsed to fall into Rapts , which would last long , without his being able to forbeare them . But our Lord gaue him , at length , the reward , of the great Seruice , he had done him , during his whole life . Of the Rectour of the Societie of IESVS , whome I mentioned before , I haue seen some things , concerning great Fauours , which our Lord did him ; but I will not insert them heer , for feare of being too long . There hapned a great trouble to him once ; for he was persecuted , and found himself greatly afflicted ; and I hearing Masse , one day , saw Christ our Lord , vpon the Crosse , iust then , when the Preist eleuated the Sacred Hoast ; and he spoke certaine words to me , wherewith I was to acquaint him , for his comfort ; and others also he spoke , by way of preuention of some future inconuenience , which might ariue ; and he represented also to him , how much himself had suffered for his sake ; and that therefore , he should prepare himself to suffer . And this gaue him both much comfort , and much courage ; and all hapned to him , iust so , as our Blessed Lord had foretold . Of the Religious of a certaine Order , yea and of that whole Order togeather , I haue seen great things . For I haue seen them sometimes in Heauen , with white Banners in their hands ; & I haue seen , as I was saying , other things of great admiration . And accordingly , I haue this Order , in much veneration ; for I haue treated , and communicated with them much ; and I see , that their life is agreable to that , which our Blessed Lord hath giuen me to vnderstand , concerning them . I being one night in Prayer , our Lord beganne to vtter some words to me , which brought me to remember , how wicked , my life had been ; and they gaue me confusion , and paine enough ; for although they imported not anie rigour , yet they endued me with such a tender kind of feeling , and greif , that the Soule was euen dissolued by it . And we vse , in such cases , to find more benefit , in the way of knowing out selues , by some one such word as these , then we are able to acquire , in manie dayes , by our owne consideration of our miserie ; for , it brings such a truth to be euē ingrauē in our Soule , as we cannot possibly denye . He represented to me also , those inclinations of mine , which I had formerly entertained , towards Creatures , with so much vanitie ; and told me , that I was to put a great value vpon the desire , which he had , that I would lodge all my affectiō , vpon him , which formerly I had employed so ill , since he would accept thereof . At other times , he bad me remember , that formerly , I had sometimes esteemed it for a point of honour in me , to goe against his Honour ; And yet , at other times , that I should remember , how much I owed him ; for that I vsed to commit the greatest offences against him , whilst he vsed to be doing me Fauours . If I haue anie faults ( which are not few ) our Lord giues them so , to be vnderstood by me , at those times , that it makes me euen , as it were , annihilate my self ; and because I haue manie faults , he vses me so , manie times . It hapned to me once , that a Ghostile Father reprehended me ; and when I thought to comfort my self in Prayer , it was there , that I found indeed , my true reprehension . But now , ( to returne to that , which I was saying ) when our Lord beganne , to bring my wicked life to my remembrance , which cost me a world of teares ; and when I also considered , that I had done no good thing lately , which might euen , in my opinion , deserue his Fauour . I beganne to consider a while , whether he might not , perhaps , intend some new expression of goodnes , to me ; because , whensoeuer I find my self receaue anie particular Fauour from our Lord , it is , ordinarily , after I haue euen defeated , and annihilated my self . And I conceaue , that our Lord proceeds thus with me , to the end , that I may see the more clearly , how farre I am out of the way , of deserueing his Fauours . Shortly after this , my Spirit was so absorpt , and snatcht away , that , in effect , it seemed to be absolutly out of my Bodie ; at least , it was not vnderstood , that it liued in it . And then I saw the most Sacred Humanitie of our Blessed Lord , in much more excessiue glorie , then euer I had discerned before . Now this was represented to me , by a certaine admirable , and cleare notice , of his being placed in the verie bosome of his Father . Nor yet doe I know what to say , of how this was ; for it seemed to me , that I saw my self present , before that verie Diuinitie , and yet , without seing my self ; and I remained so amazed , and euerie way , indeed , in such sort ; that I thinke there passed some dayes , before I was able to returne to my self . For , still I was conceauing , that I had the Maiestie of the Sonne of God , present with me , though it were not yet , like the former ; for , this I vnderstood well enough . But how soeuer , it remained so engrauen in my Imagination , that I cannot be ridd of it , how short soeuer the time were , wherein it was represented to me ; and this is matter , both of great comfort , and of great benefit to my Soule . Now , I haue seen this verie Vision , at three other times ; and this , in my opinion , is absolutly , the most sublime Vision , which euer our Blessed Lord gaue me ; and it brings the greatest improuement , and profit , with it . For it seemes , that the Soule is greatly purifyed by it ; and that it doth vtterly take away all strength , from the sensualitie of our Self-Loue . It is a vehement flame , which seems to burne vp , and euen annihilate , all the desires of this life . And since ( God be blessed for it ) I had already no inclination , to idle , and impertinent things , it was heer declared to me , in distinct manner , that all was vanitie ; and in particular , how vaine , all the Superiorities , and Signories of this world be . And it falls out also , to be of mightie instruction , for the raising-vp of our desires , to be lodged vpon the puritie of Truth ; and there remaines a high kind of adoration , and reuerence of God , imprinted after a certaine manner , which I know not how to describe ; but it is of a very different kind , from whatsoeuer we can acquire , in this world . It creates also , a huge amazement in the Soule , to consider , how she euer durst , or how anie creature can presume so farre , as to thinke of offending such a Supreame Maiestie of Almighty God. I haue declared sometimes heertofore , the effects of Visions , and such other things ; but I haue also sayd already , that a Soule receaues more , or lesse profit , according to the proportion , and manner of the Vision , as the same may be , either more , or lesse . But in this , it was extraordinarily great , when I came to receaue the Blessed Sacrament ; and I did then , record to my self , that incomparable Maiestie , which I had seen , and vnderstood , to be the verie same , which is in this most Holie Sacrament . And , manie times , our Lord is pleased to let me see him , in the Sacred Hoast , where vpon the verie haire of my head would stand on end ; and , me , thought . I was euen annihilated , outtight . O my deare Lord and if thou didst not ouershadow , and euen hide thy greatnes , who would euer presume to approach so often , as we doe , towards the ioyning of such wretched , and filthie things , as we are , to so high a Maiestie , as thine . But Blessed be thou for euer , my deare Lord ; and let the Angells , vea and all Creatures , praise , and glorifye thy holie name , who dost so measure , and weigh things out , togeather with our great weaknes , as that we may be able to enioy those Soueraigne Fauours of thine , without being frighted , by thy infinit power ; though yet we be so miserable , and vnworthie Creatures . Me thinkes , it might happen to vs heer , as once it did to another ; and this I know to be true . A certaine Labouring-man found a treasure ; and the same falling out to be greater , then could get roome in his straight , and narrow-hart , he comeing to haue this treasure in his power , grew withall , to haue such a melancholie in his minde , that he came , by little and little , to dye , by the verie care , and affliction of his thoughts , for not knowing , what he were best to doe , with his treasure ; Whereas , if he had not found it all togeather ; but that some one had giuen it him , by little , and little , accommodating him , and sustaining him by degrees , the poore man would haue liued contented , and it would neuer haue cost him his life . O thou , who art the riches of the poore ! and how admirably dost thou know , how to sustaine Soules ? and how carefull art thou , to shew them treasures , by little , and little ; and that they may not see too much at once ; when I see so great a Maiestie , as thine , dissembled , as it were , and disguised , in so small a thing , as the Sacred Hoast ? It is true , that in these latter times , and since I haue been partaker of these Visions , I am euen in admiration , at so great a wisdome ; nor doe I know , how our Lord giues me strength , and courage , to approach it . But if he , who hath done me , and doth me still , so great Fauours , did not gouerne mee also heerin , it were not possible , that I could dissemble the matter anie longer , but must cry out , and that alowd , at the sight of so great wonders , as these . And what now is it then , that so miserable a Creature , and so loaden with abominations , as I am , and who haue spent my whole life , in so little feare of Almightie God , ought to find , with all reason , in her self ; to see , that she approaches so great a Maiestie , euen when he is pleased , that my Soule should behold him , with her very eyes ? How shall this mouth of mine , which hath vttered so manie words , against the Seruice of that verie Lord himself , presume to touch that most Glorious Bodie of his , so full of pietie , and puritie ; since the loue , which that Diuine Countenance , of so much beautie , suauitie , and affabilitie , discouers to vs , doth more afflict , and wound the Soule , then doth , euen that feare , and terrour , which is bred in vs , by the consideration of his high Maiestie . But what then , should I feele in my self , who haue seen all this , whereof I speake , two seuerall times ? I am really about to say , O thou my deare Lord , and the verie Glorie of my Soule , that I haue , in some kind , done thee Seruice , by the great afflictions , which my Soule hath felt in her self ; and yet , alas , alas , I can hardly tell euen what I say , who am , in effect , writing this , without knowing , almost , what I doe , For I find , that I am all troubled , yea and halfe besides my self , when I goe back , to bring these things to my remembrance ; though I might seem to haue some little reason , for what I say ; and that I had done some little thing , for thy Seruice , O my Lord , & my God. But since I am not the owner of so much as one good thought , if thou impart it not to mee , there is nothing , for which I can pretend to be thanked ; but I am still the debtour , O my Lord ; and still , thou art the partie offended . Going one day , to receaue the B. Sacrament , I saw two Diuelis , with the eyes of my Soule , more clearly , then if I had seen them with the eyes of my Bodie , in a most abominable figure . And , me thought , their hornes did encompasse the very throat , of a certaine poore Preist ; and I saw also my Lord , with that great Maiestie , whereof I haue spoken , placed in those hands of that Preist , which he was going to minister to me , with the same sinnefull hands of his ; for I vnderstood that Soule , to be then , in the state of Mortall Sinne. But now , what kind of Obiect , must it be , to see thy Beautie , O my Lord , in the midst of so abominable figures ? Those Diuells were , as all amazed , and frighted , in thy presence , and willingly enough , would haue been gone from thence , if they could haue gotten thy leaue . This gaue me such an excessiue trouble , that I knew not , how I should be able to Communicate , through the great feare , wherein I was ; as conceauing , that , if it had been a true Vision , his Diuine Maiestie would neuer haue permitted , that I should discerne the miserie , wherein that poore Soule remained . The same deare Lord of mine , commanded me to pray for that Soule , and told me , that he had suffered , what I had seen , to the end , that I might know , of how great power , and force , the words of Consecration were ; and that Almightie God would not be kept from thence , how wicked soeuer that Preist should be , who pronounced them ; and to the end , that I might also discerne his great goodnes , in not forbearing to put himself into the hands , euen of his greatest enemies , for the good , both of me , and of all men . And I also vnderstood thereby , how much more , Preists are obliged to be vertuous , and good , then other men ; and how terrible a thing it is , to take the B. Sacrament vnworthily ; and how absolute a Lord , the Diuel is , of anie Soule , which is in Mortall Sinne. In fine , this passage did me a great deale of good , and gaue me a most particular knowledge , of the very great obligation , wherein I was , to Almightie God ; And let him be Blessed , and praised , for all eternitie . Amen . Another time , I hapned to see another thing , which amazed me extreamly . I was in a certaine place , where a certaine person dyed , who had liued very ill , and that manie yeares ; but during two of them , he had been sick ; and , in some things , he also seemed to be reformed . This man dyed without Confession ; but still , it seemed to me , that he was not to be damned ; though yet , whilst men were shrowding him , and preparing him for Buriall , I saw manie Diuells possesse themselues of that Bodie ; and they seemed , as it were , to play with it ; and yet withall , they vsed diuerse cruelties vpon it ; for they did , with certaine great hookes , both teare , and tosse it , from one to another ; and this struck me into a very great feare . When afterward I saw him carried to be buried , with all the ceremonie , and honour , which is allowed to others , I considered the goodnes of Almightie God , in not permitting the Soule , euen of that man , to be defamed , but that it might be concealed , that he was an Enemie of his . For my part , I was euen turned halfe foole , by what I had seen ; yet , during all the performance of the Office of the Dead , there was no more Diuel , to be seen ; but when afterward , they put the Bodie into the Graue , there was such a multitude of them , readie to receaue the Bodie , that I was euen out of my self , with beholding it ; and it was no little courage , which I needed , for enabling me to dissemble the seeing it . And I considered , how those Diuels were likelie to treat that Soule , when they exercised such an absolute dominion , euen ouer that woefull Bodie . And I would to Christ , that , what I saw , had also been seen by such , as are in Mortall Sinne ; for , me thinkes , it must haue been of much effect , and force , towards a making them mend their liues . Now , all this obliged mee to know , more and more , what I owed to Almightie God ; and from what he had deliuered my Soule , But yet I went on , with feare enough , till I had imparted these particulars to my Ghostlie Father , as conceauing , that , perhaps , it might haue been some Illusion of the Diuel , whereby to defame that Soule , though yet the man had not been held to be of very good life . But yet , it is verie true , that whether it were an Illusion , or no , I am sure , I neuer remember it , but it makes me afrayd . And now , since I haue begunne to speake of Visions , which haue relation to some such persons , as are dead , I will also declare some things , concerning some other kind of Soules , which our Lord hath been pleased , that I should see . But I will speake only of few ; both to be the shorter , and because it will not be necessarie to say much , in order to the receauing of benefit thereby . They told me once , that a certaine man was dead , who had been Prouinciall of his Order ; but when he dyed , he was Prouinciall of another Prouince . Now , I had communicated much , with this man ; and had been obliged to him , for some good offices , which he had done me . This man was of much , & many vertues ; but yet when I came to know that he was dead , I was greatly troubled at it , because I was in feare , and doubt , of his Saluation , in regard , that he had been a Prelate , or Superiour , twentie yeares ; which really , is a thing , that I am apt to feare , as holding it , to be a matter of much danger , to haue charge of Soules . And so I went , with trouble enough , to an Oratorie , and gaue him all that little good , which I had euer done , in my whole life ; which yet was little enough ; and I humbly besought out Blessed Lord , that he would supply , out of his infinit merits , for as much , as that Soule might wat , towards the freeing it self , out of Purgatorie . And whilst I was begging this Boone of our Blessed Lord , in the best manner I could , me thought he rose , as from some deep part , out of the earth , on my right side ; and so I saw him mount-vp to Heauen , with very great ioy . The man was very old , before he dyed ; but yet now , he seemed to me , to be but of thirtie yeares old , or rather somewhat lesse ; but with much brightnes , in his face . This Vision passed away , very speedily ; but yet I was so extreamly comforted by it , that the death of that man , did put mee now , to no more paine ; though I had troubled manie others , about him ; for he was very well beloued . And thus also the comfort of my Soule , being so great , I could not possibly doubt ; but that the Vision was true ; and no illusion . This hapned but fifteen dayes , after his death ; but still I was not slack ; in procuring , that he might be recommended to Almightie God ; saue that , I could not doe it so hartily ; as before I saw this Vision . For , when our Lord shewes me such things , and that yet I will pray for them afterward , I cannot choose but conceaue , that it is , as if I gaue an Almes to a rich man. But now , I came to vnderstand afterward , ( for the man dyed very farre off ) that the death , which our Lord granted him , was of so great comfort to him , by the knowledge of himself , and by the humilitie , which he expressed , that it was of very great edification . Now , a certaine Religious Woeman dyed at home with vs , about a day and a halfe , before that occurred , whereof I am going to speake ; but she had been a good Seruant of Almightie God. And another Religious Woeman reading one of those Lessons , which belong to the Office of the Dead , which was recited in the Quire , for her Soule , it was my turne , to stand by ; and assist , in repeating the Versi●●e ; but in the midst of the Lesson , me thought , I saw the Soule rise vp , as the other did ; and so went to Heauen . Now , this was no Imaginarie Vision , like the last ; but like others , which I recounted before . Yet these be no lesse certaine , then those others are . There was also another Religious Woeman of between eighteen , and twentie yeares old , who dyed at home , in our House . Now she had been alwaies sicklie , and a great Seruant of God ; and very diligent in the Quire ; and , in fine , a very vertuous woeman ; and really , I was apt to thinke , that she should not haue gone to Purgatorie at all , but rather , that there would haue been supernumerarie merits , in regard of the manie sicknesses , which she had endured . But yet , when we were reciting the Office , before she was buryed , and some foure howers after she dyed , I vnderstood , that her Soule sprung vp , out of the same place , and went to Heauen . Being one day , in a Colledge of the Societie of IESVS , with those great afflictions , and troubles , which I haue declared my selfe sometimes to haue had , and still haue , both in Bodie , and Soule , I found my self , to be in such condition , that me thought I was not able , so much as to entertaine one good thought . There dyed , that night , a Brother of the Societie , of that House ; and I recommending him , the best I could , to Almightie God ; and being at the Masse of another Father of the Societie , for his Soule , I was seazed by a very great Recollection ; and I saw him goe-vp to Heauen , with much glorie ; yea and I vnderstood , that our Blessed Lord himself , did accompanie him , by way of particular fauour . A Religious man of our Order , who was a very good man , was falne very dangerously sick ; And I , being then at Masse , grew to be in very great Recollection , and saw , that the man was dead ; and that he went , instantly , to Heauen , without touching vpon Purgatorie at all ; and he dyed in that verie hower , as I was told afterward . Now I wondred , that he had neuer entred into Purgatorie ; but I vnderstood , that he , hauing been a Religious man , and hauing well obserued the Vowes of his Profession , the Bulles , granted in fauour of his Order , had auailed him , towards his escape of Purgatorie . Now , I know not , why this was giuen to be vnderstood , by me ; but , me thinkes , it may be very well , to make me know , that a man's being a Religious man , doth not consist only in his Habit ; I meane , not in the onlie wearing it , as if that verie thing , did endue him with more perfection . I will now relate no more of these things ; for there is no great cause , why I should ; though yet our Blessed Lord haue done me the fauour , to shew me very manie . But amongst all those Soules , which I haue seen , I haue not vnderstood of anie one , which escapes the going at all , into Purgatorie , but only this last Father , and that holie man , Fray Pedro de Alcantara , and that Dominican Father , of whome I spake before . Our Lord hath also been pleased to let me see the seuerall degrees , which they haue of glorie , by representing the places to me , wherein they are ; and I find , that there is a great deale of difference , between some , and others . THE NINE AND THIR TIETH CHAPTER . She proceeds in the same Subiect , of shevving the great Fauours , vvhich our Lord had done her . And she declares , hovv he vvas pleased to promise his Fauour to them , for vvhome she should begg it ; and she relates some important particulars , vvherein his Diuine Maiestie had done her particular Fauours , of this kind . BEing once very importunate , with our Blessed Lord , that he would be pleased , to giue sight to a certaine person , to whome I had obligation , and who was almost growne to be vtterly blind , I had much compassion on him ; and I feared , least our Lord would not heare me , in regard of my Sinnes . But yet he appeared to me then , as he had also done , at other times , and beganne to shew me the Wound of his left hand ; and , with his right hand , he drew out the great naile , which had been thrust into it ; and me thought , that some of the verie flesh , came out , with the naile . I saw well , how great paine it did import ; and it afflicted me much . But he told me , that since he had endured so much for my sake , I should not doubt , but that he would more easily be drawne , to harken to this Suite of mine ; and so he promised , that he would grant , whatsoeuer I should desire ; but , he knew very well already , that I would begg nothing of him , but only to his owne honour , and glorie ; and that I made this present Suite , vnder that condition . He willed me also to remember , and consider , that euen , when I did him not true Seruice , I had not desired anie thing of him , which he had not granted , euen better , then my self had desired ; and therefore , how much more would he be sure enough , to doe it now , when he knew I loued him ; and therefore , that I should bannish all doubt . And , I thinke , eight dayes did not passe , but that our Lord restored sight , to that person ; and this was presently knowne , by my Ghostlie Father . Now , peraduenture , as I thought at first , this did not happen , by meanes of anie prayer of mine ; though yet , since I saw this Vision , I haue remained with some little certaintie , that the thing was done , by the Fauour of his Diuine Maiestie , to me ; and accordingly , I haue presented him with my thankes . Another time , there was a person sick , of a very painefull infirmitie ; which , because it was of an odd condition , and way , I forbeare to particularize it heer . But it was a kind of insupportable thing ; and he had been troubled with it , two moneths ; but he endured a torment by it , which did euen teare him in peices . Now , my Ghostlie Father went to visit him ; and that , was the Rectour of the Colledge , of whome I spake ; and he had great compassion of the man ; and told me , that , in anie case , I must also goe & giue him a Visit , for that he was a person , to whome I might handsomly doe it , in regard , that he was my Kinsman . I went , and had so much pittie of him , that I beganne to begg his health of our Lord , after a very importunate manner . And in this , I saw clearly ( by the very vttermost , of what I am able to imagine ) how much Fauour our Lord was pleased to doe me therein ; for instantly , vpon the verie next day , he was absolutly well . I was once in a great deale of trouble , because I came to know , that a certaine person , to whome I was much obliged , was resolued to doe a thing , which was greatly against the honour , both of Almightie God , and himself ; and yet he was very much bent , to doe the thing . Now , my trouble for this , was so great , that I knew not , which way to find remedie , and meanes , to make him leaue it ; and indeed , it rather seemed , that there was none . But then , I besought Almightie God , and that with my whole hart , that he would help vs ; and till I could find it done , I should be in paine . Being therefore now in this case , I went to a certaine Oratory , a little remore from where I was ; for there are diuerse such , in this Monasterie ; and finding a Picture of Christ our Lord , as he was bound to the Pillar , I humbly begged of his Diuine Maiestie , to doe me that Fauour . And presently , I heard one speake to me , in a most sweet voice ; but it was framed , as if it had been , in the manner of whistling . For my part , I was all in a fright ; and the verie haire of my head , stood an end ; and I had a great desire , to heare , what it sayd to me . But when once my feare was gone , ( which was also quickly ) , I remained with rest , and ioy , and so great an interiour kind of delight , that it amazed me , how the onlie hearing of a voice , ( and that , with the onlie eares of flesh , and bloud ; yea and without the articulation , or framing of anie one word ) was able to produce so powerfull an operation in the Soule . But , in the meane time , I found euen thereby , that the thing , which I had desired , should be done ; and so it was ; and the paine , wherein I found my selfe , concerning it , was vtterly remoued , in a thing , which was not yet , as if I had found it , to be certainly granted , as it hapned to be , afterward . And I related the whole accident , to my Confessours , who , at that time , were two ; and they both , were very learned men , and the Seruants of Almighty God. I knew also of a certaine person , who had resolued to serue his Diuine Maiestie , in very good earnest ; and he had vsed Prayer , some dayes ; and therein , his Diuine Maiestie had done him manie Fauours ; and yet he gaue-ouer his course of Prayer , vpon certaine occasions , which occurred to him ; and those he did not quitt , although they were full of danger . This put me to a great deale of paine ; because the man , whome the matter concerned , was a person , whome both I loued much , and whome I also was much obliged to loue . And , I beleiue , it had been more then a moneth , wherein I did almost nothing els , but begg of Almightie God , that he would bring this Soule back , to himself . And being in Prayer , one day , I saw a Diuel hard by me , with certaine papers in his hand , which he was tearing ; and he seemed to be in a very great rage . But this put me into much comfort ; because I conceiued thereby , that my Suite was granted ; and so it was , as I came to know afterward . For , the Partie had been at Confession , and had done it , with great Contrition ; and he returned , in so very good earnest , to Almightie God , that I hope in his Diuine Maiestie , he will euer goe aduancing in his Seruice . And let him be Blessed for euer , Amen . In this particular , of procuring our Blessed Lord , to bring Soules out of greiuous Sinnes , vpon my humble suite ; and of others , who were brought , manie times , to more perfection ; and of freing Soules also out of Purgatorie ; and of doing other things also of great importance , the Fauours of our Blessed Lord , haue been so great , that I should both wearie my self , and my Reader , if I would pretend to relate them . And these things haue hapned oftner to me , for the benefit of Soules , then of Bodies ; and this is so very well knowne , that it hath manie witnesses . But then instantly , there grew a kind of Scruple vpon me , since I could not choose but beleiue , that our Lord was pleased , to doe diuerse things , through my Prayer , ( for , in this case , and at this time I abstract from his goodnes , and mercye , which is euer the cheif cause of all things ) but for the rest , these are now so manie particulars , and so well knowne by others , that I haue no difficulty at all , to beleiue them ; and I blesse his Diuine Maiestie , for the same ; and they put me to great confusion ; because I still find my self , to be , more , and , more , a debtour . But that consideration makes my desire to serue him , encrease ; and reviues my loue . And ( which yet amazes me more , ) those things , which our Lord findes not to be conuenient , I can scarce begg of his Diuine Maiestie , euen almost , although I would ; and if I doe , it is with so little strength , and spirit , and care , that , although I would faine force my self , yet it is euen impossible for me , to doe it in these , as I doe it in those others , which his Diuine Maiestie hath a minde to effect ; for , such , I see , I am able to begg often , and that , with great importunitie ; and though I carrie not the particular care of them , about me , yet me thinkes , they come before me , of themselues . So that the difference , between these two wayes of asking , is so very great , as I am not able to declare . For , though I aske in one of these kinds of things , wherein , I forbeare not to vrge my self to begg them of our Lord ; ( howsoeuer I feele not that kind of feruour in my self , which I doe in those other ) and though they chance to import mine owne particular very much , yet is it , in effect , but as when a man chances to be toung-tyed ; who although he would faine speake , yet he cannot doe it ; and if he speake , it is but in such sort , as that he sees , it cannot be vnderstood ; whereas the other ; is , as when a man speakes cleare , and plaine , to a man , whome he findes very willing to heare him . Or els , let vs say , that one of those Fauours , is begged , as by a Vocall Prayer ; and the other , as in a way of Contemplation , which is so very sublime , that our Lord represents himself in such sort , as that we vnderstand , that he vnderstands vs ; and that his Diuine Maiestie is ioyed to see , that we begg anie thing of him , that so he may doe vs fauour . Blessed be he for euer , who giues vs so much ; and to whome I giue so little . For what , O my Lord , doth anie man , who doth not euen defeate himself wholy for thee ? and yet , hovv much , hovv much , hovv much , and a thousand times more , I might say , hovv much , am I wanting heerin ? And now , vpon this reason , I should not so much , as once desire , euen to liue ( though yet , I haue other reasons also , not to desire it ) because I liue not , according to my obligation towards thee . Nay , how full doe I see myself of imperfections , and with what faintnes , and basenes , doe I serue thee ? And really , me thinkes , sometimes , I wish , that I were euen depriued of sense , that so I might not vnderstand so very much ill of my self , as I doe . Yet I beseech him , to redresse it all , who knowes so well , how to doe it . But I remember , I spake before , of my being in the House of a certaine great Ladie ; where , I assure you , folkes had good reason , to haue their witts , well about them , and alwaies to be considering the vanitie , which worldlie things carrie with them . For she was a person , very much esteemed , and very much praised ; and there were temptations enow , towards lesse perfection , through much distraction ; whereby one might easily , haue been shrewdly taken , if I had looked vpon nothing , but my self . But he who iudgeth rightly , and lookes vpon vs , with true sight indeed , was carefull not to giue ouer the keeping me , euer , safe , in his hands . And now , when I am speaking of hauing a true , and reall sight of things , I remember , and consider , the great trouble , which anie such person , as whome it hath pleased Almightie God to endue with a knowledge of that , which indeed is Truth , must needs be put to , when he is forced to treat with others , about things , which concerne this transitorie , and troublesome world ; where , all , in fine , is much disguised , and masked , as our Lord himself told me once . But , in the meane time , manie of those things , which I write heer , are by no meanes , of mine owne head ; but they haue been told me , by that Heauenlie Maister of mine . And because , in all those things , which I am wont to affirme , after a direct and positiue manner , I vse to expresse my self , by these words : This I vnderstood ; or els , Our Lord told me this ; I find my self with a very great scruple , of either adding , or , anie way , altering , so much as anie one syllable thereof . And so , whensoeuer I doe not most expresly remember euerie circumstance of anie thing , of this kind ( which is to be related by me ) I am wont to deliuer that , alwaies , as in mine owne name . Or els , because sometimes they proceed from mine owne particular dictamens , I vse not to call anie thing mine , which is good in itself ; because indeed , I am farre enough from being ignorant , that anie such thing , as is in me , is good ; but I affirme only those things , as in mine owne name , and they are deliuered , as by my self , which did not come into my vnderstanding , and knowledge , by way of Reuelation . But O my deare Lord , and my God! and how often doth it happen to vs heer , that euen , in the most spirituall occasions , we are resolued , manie times , to vnderstand things , but iust so , as we haue a minde to vnderstand them our selues ; and euen they are wrested much , from the true sense . And so we also doe , in things of this world ; and we will needs make our selues beleiue , that we must tax euen our owne profit in Spirit , according to the measure of the time , wherein we haue had anie exercise of Prayer . Nay it seemes , that we haue had a minde , to put a tax , and limit , vpon him , who , by no meanes , will be subiect to anie , when there is question of imparting his Fauours , which he is wont to dispose , when he will , and who can impart more benedictions to one , in six moneths , then to another , in a great multitude of yeares . And this is a most certaine truth , which I haue seen so expresly verifyed , euen with my verie eyes , vpon the instance of manie persons , that I wonder , how we can so much as detaine our selues , in the least doubt thereof . But I am very apt to beleiue , that a man , who hath anie talent , in trying , and knowing Spirits , and to whome our Blessed Lord shall haue giuen true Humilitie , will not be able to fall , and continue in this errour . For , such a man will iudge of things , by the effects , and by the strong purposes , and firme resolutions , and loue of the party , who is chiefly concerned . And besides , our Lord is wont to giue such a person light , whereby he may be able to vnderstand it ; and by that verie light , he also discernes , the profiting , and proceeding forward , of Soules ; and not by the number of yeares , wherein they haue attended to these things . Because some one Soule , may , as I sayd before , haue obtained that , in six moneths , which another shall not haue been able to get , in twentie yeares . For , as I sayd also before , our Lord bestowes those things , to whome he will ; and commonly he doth it to such , as dispose themselues best , to receiue them . And in proofe heerof , I see , that there come now to this House of ours , certaine Gentlewoemen , and Ladies , who are very young ; and yet , when our Blessed Lord vouchsafes once to touch their harts , and to giue them a little Light , and Loue ; and when , in a very short time , he is pleased to allow , and impart some Regalo , and gust of Spirit , to them , they haue not stayed , and pawsed ; nor was anie difficultie able to offer it self against them , which could stopp them ; but they would be going on , without so much as remembring , that they were to liue , by eating their meate ; and they shut themselues vp , for euer , in a House , without hauing so much , as anie Reuenue , vpon which to liue ; like persons , who put no manner of esteem , vpon anie thing of this world , for the loue of him , who , they know , loues them . And they giue ouer , euen all things , all at once ; nor haue they anie will at all , which is meerly their owne ; nor doe they vnderstand it , to be possible , that euer they can receaue disgust , by enduring such a straight shutting vp ; but all of them , offer-vp their whole selues , in Sacrifice , to the honour , and glorie of Almightie God. And now , how willingly , and iustly doe I allow them , to haue gotten the Start of me heerin ? and how mightily ought I to be ashamed , and euen confounded , in the presence of Almightie God , to see , that , what his Diuine Maiestie could not finish in my Soule , through my fault , in such a multitude of yeares , since I vsed Prayer , and wherein he beganne to doe me Fauours , he hath yet been able to accomplish in them , within three moneths ; yea and euen , with some of them , in three dayes , with doing them also farre lesse Fauour , then to me . Though yet withall , it be very true , that our Blessed Lord , payes them so well , for their paines , that they are all , very farre , from being sorrie , to haue done , whatsoeuer they haue done , for the loue of him . For this purpose , I could wish , that we might call to minde , how manie yeares they are , since we made our Profession , and haue vsed Mentall Prayer . Not yet , for the giuing them anie trouble , by making them turne back , who haue made a great deale of way , in a short time , and to get them to goe , but our pace , which is as much as it would be , to make them , who flye like Eagles ( through the Fauours , which it hath pleased Almightie God , to doe them ) to walke the slow dull pace of a shackled Hen ; but to the end , that we may grow , to carrie the honour of his Diuine Maiestie , in our eye . And then , if we find these Sisters of ours , to be humble , whome we see , to be so forward , in the way of Spirit , that we should giue them , still , the raynes . For certainly , our Blessed Lord , who hath done them so great Fauours already , will neuer suffer them to breake their necks , by falling downe , as from some dangerous rock . They commit , and trust themselues , in the hands of Almightie God ; for , this benefit doe they reape , by the truth , which Faith teaches them ; and shall not we also trust them there ? but * must we limit , and confine them , by our narrow measure , according to the meannesse , & straightnes of our owne poore mindes ? No , no ; this must not be ; but rather , if our selues cannot ariue to be owners of those strong affections , and firme resolutions , which abound in them ( for , these things cannot be well vnderstood , without experience ) let vs procure to humble our selues , and not condemne them ? For els , by seeming to haue a care of their aduantage , and profit , we shall depriue our selues , of our owne ; and we shall also loose the occasion , which our Lord shewes vs so faire , for our owne greater humilitie ; and that we may the better vnderstand , how much is wanting to vs ; as also , how much more absolutly , those other Soules are likelie to be vntyed , and freed , from worldlie things then ours ; and how much neerer , they are approached to Almightie God , then we ; since we see , that his Diuine Maiestie , is come so much closer vp , towards them , then vs. For my part , I can vnderstand no more , in this case ; neither indeed haue I anie desire to vnderstand more , then that I had rather haue such Prayer , as hauing been obtained , and exercised but a short time , might be found to haue great effects , and which instantly appeare , ( for it is impossible , that a Creature should be content , to throw away a whole world at once , vpon the onlie reason , of pleasing Almightie God , without a mightie force of loue ) then such an other kind of Prayer , as should haue continued manie yeares ; and yet neuer , in fine , haue made an end of resoluing vpon anie more , at the last , then at the first , to doe aniething , for the pure loue of Almightie God , vnlesse it be some poore , little , fidling bable , which is no bigger , then a graine of Salt , which hath neither bulke , nor weight , but is such , as that anie Bird might be able , to carrie it away , in her Bill . For , I confesse , we hold it not , for a matter of much effect , and mortification , when a great account is made , of doing such , and such things , for the loue of our Lord , which indeed , it is both pittie , and shame , that we should vnderstand , and value , at anie rate , though perhaps we should doe neuer so manie , of that kind . For my part , I am but one of these , and am apt , not only to forget the Fauours of Almightie God , but euen to ouervalue mine owne poore endeauours . I say not yet , but that his Diuine Maiestie will vouchsafe to put some value euen vpon little things , through his owne great goodnes ; but as for me , I would make no account thereof ; nor , in effect , so much as see , that I doe them , since they are but a kind of Nothing . But yet , pardon me , euen heerin , O my deare Lord ; and blame me not , if I procure to comfort my self , with thinking of this little kind of Somewhat , since I am able to serue thee solidly , in Nothing ; but if really I found my self able , to serue thee , in things , which were indeed of weight , and moment , I would be farre from making account of these things , of Nothing . O how happie are those persons , who are able to doe thee Seruice , in great matters ? And certainly , if hauing enuie of them , and entertaining earnest desires , of being able to doe the like , inight be taken by thee , for good payment , vpon true account , from this poore Seruant of thine , infallibly I would not sitt-out at pleasing thee . But the truth , my deare Lord , is this , That directly I am good for nothing ; though yet , thou maist well giue me value , since thou louest me so much . But now , it hapned lately , by a Breue , which came from Rome , that this Monasterie should be vncapable of Reuenue ; so that now , it may be esteemed to be finished . It cost vs some trouble to effect it ; and I remained with much comfort , to see things setled . And reflecting vpon the difficulties , which I had mett ; and praising our Blessed Lord , for his being pleased , to haue partly serued himself of me heerin , I applyed my self a little , to looke back , vpon all the passages of the whole busines . And really , it is very true , that in euerie one of those particulars , wherein there might be anie apparance , that I had contributed somewhat , I find manie imperfections , and errours ; Sometimes , of little Courage ; and sometimes also , of little Faith. For , till I saw all that accomplished , which it had pleased our Blessed Lord to tell me before , of what should be done , concerning it , I did neuer , in a resolute , and assured manner , make an end , of fully beleiuing , that it would be , though yet withall , it be true , that I also could not tell , how to doubt it . Nor knew I , how all this could stand togeather ; but it seemes , that manie times , it looked in my eye , as if it must be impossible , on the one side , and yet , it could not be doubted , on the other ; I meane , it could not be firmly beleiued , but that the thing , would be done . Yet , in fine , I found , that there was this aduantage in it , That our Lord himself , did all the good , which was done ; and I , all the ill ; and so I would thinke of it , no more : because , if I did , I should be sure to stumble vpon manie faults of mine owne . But , Blessed be he , for euer , who , when he is disposed , knowes how to fetch good out of them all ; Amen . I say then , that it is no lesse , then a kind of dangerous thing , to goe rating , and measuring the only yeares , wherein anie bodie may haue had the exercise of Mentall Prayer . For , though perhaps , there may be a peice of Humilitie in the consideration thereof , yet withall , it also seemes , that there is a kind , of I cannot tell what , as if there were a shew , that a bodie would conceiue , that he had deserued some little thing , for his paines . I say not , that these yeares of Prayer , haue not their worth ; and so we shall be well payd for them ; but yet , if anie Spirituall person shall conceiue , that , for the manie yeares , wherein he hath vsed Mentall Prayer , he deserue those great Regalo's , and gusts , I hold it for a most infallible truth , that he shall neuer get vp , to the topp of Libertie of Spirit . But , is it not , on the other side , enough , that he hath obtained so much Fauour of Almightie God , that he defends him so farre , as to hinder him from committing such Sinnes , as he fell into , before he was a man of Prayer ? but that now , forsooth , he will needs proceed with his Diuine Maiestie , for the Fauours , which he hath receaued from his holie hand , as those Debtours vse to doe , who goe to Suite with Creditours , for their owne money . Perhaps ( as I was saying ) this may looke , in some lights , like a peice of profound Humilitie ; but for my part , I cannot thinke so ; but rather , that it is a part of boldnes . And I am sure enough , that I ( with being not humble at all ) neuer durst presume , so farre . Yet perhaps , this last is true , in regard , that I neuer did God anie seruice ; and therefore , I haue begged no such fauour at his hands ; whereas yet , if I had thought , I had deserued , I should haue been more earnest , then anie other , in desiring of our Lord , that I might be payd , euen heer , for my paines . And yet , I doe not say , but that a Soule may goe encreasing , by this meanes ; and that God will make him amends , if his Prayer haue been humble ; but yet still , I would faine haue that point forgotten , which speakes of reckoning-vp those manie yeares of our Seruice of our Lord. For , all that , which we are , anie way , able to doe , is fitt to make a man , euen cast the gorge , in comparison of the least dropp of that bloud , which our Blessed Lord shed for vs. And if , besides , it be most really true , that , by doing Seruice to Almightie God , we come to be his debtours , so much the more , what manner of thing is it , that we should fall vpon begging recompences of that kind ; since , if we pay a Farthing of the old debt , there returnes a Bill of a thousand Ducats vpon vs , for a new Loane . But , in fine , for the loue of our Lord , let vs leaue to passe these iudgements , which indeed , ought not to be ours , but his . This course of making Comparisons , is not excellent , euen in temporall , & familiar things ; and what then shall it be , about that , which God only knowes ? And his Diuine Maiestie shewes well , that he knowes it ; for he resolues , when he thinkesfitt , to pay the last Labourer , as well as the first . I haue written that , which heer I haue deliuered in these three sheets of paper , at so manie seuerall times , and in so seuerall dayes , ( for I had , and haue still , as I haue sayd , so little meanes , and leasure ) that I had forgotten what I was beginning to say , about this Vision , which followes . But I saw , whilst I was in Prayer , a great Feild , lying open , and all apart , by it self ; and that , much companie , of different kindes , was round about me , which circled me in . And it seemed to me , that cuerie one , had offensiue weapons in his hands , wherewith to hurt me ; as Lances , Swords , and Daggers ; and others had also long Staues . In a word , I could not get from thence , by anie way , or meanes , without danger of death ; especially , being alone , and not hauing anie one Creature , to helpe me . And being thus , in so great affliction of Spirit , that I knew not what to doe , I lifted-vp mine eyes towards Heauen , and saw Christ our Lord ; not then in Heauen , but yet very high , and farre off from me , in the ayre , who reachtforth his hand , towards me , and fauoured me from thence , in such sort , that I feared neither all that other people , nor yet these ; who all , were vnable to doe me hurt , how much soeuer they should desire it . This Vision seemes , at the first sight , to be without anie fruit , or good effect , at all ; but it hath yet done me a great deale of good , because I haue vnderstood what it signifyed . For , I saw my self , in that encounter , shortly after , and knew , that it was nothing els , but this Vision ; and I also came to know it , to be a verie picture , or rather Mappe of the world . For , as manie as are in it , ( abstracting euer from those few , who apply themselues , to doe our Lord particular Seruice ) seemed to carrie Armes against this wretched Soule of ours ; as namely , Honours , Estates , Delights , and the like . For it is euident , that the Soule is all ouercast with a Nett , before it be aware ; at least , all these things , doe the best they can , to endanger , and wrapp vs vp , fast enough ; as namely , Freinds , Kindred , and ( which amazes me more ) euen such , as are vertuous people . For , I found my self afterward , to be extreamly pressed , and euen oppressed , by them : they conceauing , in the meane time , that they carried themselues very well ; but , the while , I knew not at all , either how to defend my self , or what to doe . O my deare God! and if now I should stand , to relate the kindes , and differences of those troubles , which set vpon me , at that time , euen after all those others , whereof I spake before , how well might this , be able to serue for a meanes , to make a man wholy abhorre all things ? It was , me thinkes , the verie greatest persecution of all , that euer I had endured . For , I felt my self , at some times , so straightly set vpon , on all sides , that I only found remedie , by lifting-vp mine eyes to Heauen , and crying vpon Almightie God. And I remembred very well , what I had seen , in this last Vision of mine ; and it did me a great deale of good , towards a not putting confidence in anie Creature ; for , there is no one of them firme , and stable ; but only God alone , is entirely , and truly so . But , in these great afflictions , our Lord hath euer vsed to send me some person , or other , who , in his name , might lend me his hand ; as he signifyed to me , that he would ; and as he did also let me see , in this last Vision ; and so I tyed not my self to anie thing , but only to please our Blessed Lord ; and this hath serued to sustaine this poore little vertue , which I had , in desiring to serue him ; And let him be Blessed for euer . But finding my self once , very vnquiet , and in great disorder , yea and in skirmish , or rather , in a verie battaile , without being able to recollect my self ; yea and my thoughts being scattered , and dispersed , vpon things , which were not very perfect ; and withall , not seeming , to be so vtterly vntyed from all things , as I vsed ; and being still , so wicked , as I was , I grew afrayd , that the Fauours , which our Blessed Lord had done me , might fall-out to be Illusions ; and , in fine , I then remained , with a very great obscuritic of minde . But now , whilst I was in this paine , our Lord beganne to speake to me , and told me , that I must not be thus afflicted ; but that , finding my self in that case , I might well vnderstand euen thereby , in how great miserie I must remaine , if once he should depart from me ; and that there was to be no securitie at all , as long as we should continue in this world . I was also giuen to vnderstand , how well our labour was employed , in this strife , and warre , since it would not faile to be followed , with so high a reward . And , me thought , our Blessed Lord had compassion of them , who liue in this world ; but that I must not thinke , that he had forgotten me ; yea and that he would neuer leaue me ; but yet so , as that still I must also doe my part , in helping my self . And this did our Blessed Lord declare to me , with a kind of tender compassion , and Regalo , accompanied with certaine words , whereby so high Fauour was done me , as I need not stand heer to relate . And these others , which follow heer now , his Diuine Maiestie saith also often to me , with demonstration of most particular loue : Thou art novv , grovvne to be mine ; and I am thine . And those words , which I am euer wont to say ( and to my thinking , I say them , with much truth ) are these , which follow : VVhat care I , O my Lord , for my self but only for thee ? But I confesse , those words of his , to me , are of great Regalo to my hart ; though yet withall , they be of excessiue confusion , when I remember , what kind of Creature I am . But * it seemes , that I haue need of more courage , for the receauing of those high Fauours , then euen for the enduring of vnspeakable afflictions . But now , when these things are in motion , all the poore good actions of my life , are vtterly forgotten by me ; and then , it is only represented to my minde , how wicked I am ; and that , without anie discourse at all , of my vnderstanding ; so that euen this also , doth seem , at certaine times , to haue somewhat of the Supernaturall in it . Sometimes , there come also vpon me , so earnest , and euen eager appetites , of receauing the Blessed Sacrament , that I know not , whether it can be possible for me , to expresse them to the full . It hapned to me one morning , that it rayned so extreamly , as to seem no way fitt for me , to goe out of doores . But yet , being once gotten abroad , I was already growne also , to be so farre out of my self , through that desire of Communicating , that although they had set Lances , euen pointed , and held fast against my verie Breast , me thought I could haue passed , euen through them all ; and how much more then , through water . And as soone , as I ariued at Church , I was taken with a very great Rapt . For , me thought , the verie Heauen was open , and not by one ouerture only , as I had seen it , at other times ; and I saw another also aboue that , vpon which I vnderstood ( by way of a certaine notice , which I am not able to expresse ) the Diuinitie it self to be , though yet I saw not the Diuinitie . And , me thought , it was vpheld , by certaine Mysterious Beasts ; and I was considering , whether they were not those of the Euangelists . But yet , I neither saw , how the Throne was seated , nor who was sitting in it ; but only a great multitude of Angells , about it ; which seemed to me , of much more beautie , beyond comparison , then those others , which I had seen in Heauen , before . And I haue been thinking , whether they might not haue been Seraphins , or Cherubins ; for , they are very different , in point of glorie ; and they seemed , to be mightily inflamed . And as for the glorie , which then I felt in my self , it can neither be written , nor spoken ; nor is anie one able , euen to thinke it , but such as had been made partakers of it , by seeing it . But I vnderstood , that absolutly all that , which possibly can be desired , was there ; and that , all togeather . I there , saw nothing at all , distinctly ; but they told me ( yet I know not , euen who they were ) that the thing , which I might there be able to doe , was , to vnderstand , that I could vnderstand nothing ; but that I might see from thence , the direct Nothingnes of all things , in comparison of that . And really , it is very true , that my Soule , from that time forward , hath found it self , as if it were extreamly affronted , and confounded , to obserue , that it was able to pause at all , vpon anie thing created ; and how much more then , to be affected , either by it , or to it . For , all things seem to me , euer since , to be neither better , nor more , then the verie nest of an Ant. But I Communicated ; and was at Masse ; though yet I knew not , how I could be so . I conceiued , that the time had been very short ; and wondered , when the Clock struck ; and so found , that it was two howers , wherein I had remained , in Rapt , and glorie . I was amazed after this , to know , how , by approaching so neer to this Fire , which seemed to come from aboue , out of the true loue of Almightie God , it was yet , in no power of mine at all , to get the least sparke thereof , but only , when his Diuine Maiestie was pleased to impart it . For , how much soeuer I desire it , and how earnestly soeuer I procure it , and would defeate , and euen destroy my self for it , there is yet no meanes at all , to obtaine it . But now , this Rapt of mine , seemes euen to haue consumed the faults , and lukewarmnesse , and miseries of the old man , as the Phenix is sayd to doe her self , out of whose ashes , when she is burnt , springs another Phenix . For iust so , doth a Soule become absolutly an other kind of thing , with desires wholy different , and with a courage so encreased , that now she seemes not , to be , what she was before ; but now beginnes to walke , with a new kind of puritie , in the way of our Lord. And I iust then beseeching his Diuine Maiestie , that it might proue to be so , in my case , and that I might now , at least , beginne , as vpon a new account , to doe him seruice , he spake these words to me : Thou hast made a good Comparison ; and see , that thou forget it not ; that so , thou maist euer procure to improue thy self . And being once , in the self-same doubt , whereof I spake euen now , whether these Visions were of God , or no , our Lord appeared , and spake these words , to me , with some rigour : Hovv long , O yee Sonnes of men , vvill yee continue to be hard of hart ? And he also willed me then , to examine my self well , vpon this one Interrogatorie : VVhether I vvere entirely giuen to him , for his , or no ; and that if I vvere giuen so , and vvas so , I should beleiue , that he vvould not suffer me to be lost . And whereas I afflicted my self much , vpon his vttering that exclamation aforesayd , he returned with great tendernes , and Regalo , and told me , that he would not haue me afflict my self ; and that he knew already , that I , for my part , would not faile , to apply my self wholy to that , which might be for his Seruice ; and that so , he would also doe all that , which I desired of him , against Illusions ; and so he was pleased to doe that thing in particular , which then I humbly begged , at his hands . For he willed me , to looke in , vpon the Loue , which went encreasing daily , in me ; for , thereby , I might best vnderstand , that the Diuel had no part in it ; and that I must not thinke , Almightie God would consent , that the Diuel should haue so much power ouer the Soules of his Seruants , as to be able to giue me such a claritie of vnderstanding , togeather with such a depth of repose of minde , as I possessed . And he gaue me also further to vnderstand , that such , and so manie men , hauing told me , that these Visitations were of Almightie God , I should doe ill , if I did not beleiue them . Being also another time , in Prayer , vpon S. Athanasius's Creed , of Quicumque vult , &c , I was giuen to vnderstand the manner , how there was one onlie God , and three Persons ; and this , in so perspicuous , and cleare a kind , that I was no lesse comforted by it , then amazed at it . This also , did me very much good , towards the giuing me encrease of knowledge , concerning the greatnes of Almightie God , and of his wonders ; and for all such occasions , also , as wherein I thinke of the Blessed Trinitie , or heare speech thereof . And now , me thinkes , I conceaue , how all that Mysterie stands , very well ; and it contents me much . One day , vpon the Assumption of our B. Ladie , the Queen of the Angells , our Lord was pleased to doe me the Fauour , in a certaine Rapt , that her rising vp , into Heauen , was represented to me , togeather with the solemnitie , and ioy , of that Celestiall Court , wherewith she was receiued ; as also the place , which she held . To tell , what kind of thing this was , I am no way able . The glorie , which euen my Spirit had , to see , that hers is so great , was euen extreame ; and I remained with great effects , and improuements , by it , towards a wish , of vndergoing yet , greater afflictions , for the loue of our Lord. And so it also gaue me encrease of desires , to serue our B. Ladie , since both her dignitie , and merit , was so great . And being one day , in a Colledge of the Societie of IESVS , and the Brothers of that House , being then in act of receauing the B. Sacrament , I saw a very rich Canopie , ouer their heads ; and this , at two seuerall times ; but yet , when others Communicated there , I saw it not . THE FOVRTIETH CHAPTER . She proceeds in the same Discourse , by relating the great Fauours , vvhich our Lord shevved her ; vvhereby , good instruction is to be gotten . And vvith the end of this Chapter , she ends also the Discourse of her Life . BEing once in Prayer , the delight , and gust , which I felt within my self , was so great , and I found my self so vnworthie of so high a Fauour , that I beganne , vpon that occasion , to consider , how much better I had deserued to possesse that place in Hell , which was prepared for me ; for I could neuer forget , in what manner I had seen my self there . And now , by meanes of this consideration , my Soule beganne to be so much more inflamed , that my Spirit grew to be in Rapt ; and so , as that I know not , how to expresse it . For , me thought , I was put , and plunged , into that Maiestie , which I had formerly vnderstood ; but yet so , as that I know not , how to declare it . In this Maiestie , a certaine Truth was giuen me to be vnderstood , which indeed , is the accomplishment of all Truth ; but yet still , I know not how to relate it . For , I saw nothing at all distinctly ; but they told me these words , though yet I saw not , who spake them ; only I knew , that it was the verie Truth ; This , vvhich I doe for thee , is no small matter ; but rather , it is a thing , for vvhich thou ovvest me much ; because one of the mischeifs , vvhich grovves to the vvorld , proceeds from not knovving the Truths of Scripture , vvith cleare truth ; but , one tittle thereof , shall not faile . Now , as for me , I conceaued , that my self had alwaies beleiued this ; yea and that all Catholiques , had also beleiued it . But then , he sayd to me againe : Alas , my Daughter , there be fevv , vvho loue me , according to Truth ; for , if they did , I vvould not conceale my secrets , from them . But , dost thou knovv , vvhat it is , to loue me , according to Truth ? It is , to knovv , that all is a Lye , vvhich is not acceptable to me . Thou shalt be able , to see this clearly ( vvhich novv thou dost not vnderstand ) by the profit , vvhich thy Soule shall get . And so accordingly , I haue seen it performed ; our Lord be euer praised , for it . For , all things , which are not addressed to the seruice of Almightie God , doe , of late , seem to me , so hugely to be vanitie , and a lye , that I am no way able to expresse , how much I vnderstand thereof . And it moues me to deep compassion , to see men liue , in so great obscuritie , and ignorance , as they are in , of thy Truth ; but , by this meanes , I haue benefited my self , in manie kindes , whereof I will heer relate some ; and some I shall not be able to relate . But our Lord sayd one word to me heer , in particular , with very great fauour ; though I know not also , how this was . For I saw nothing ; but I remained in such sort , after it , as I know not also , how to declare , euen that . Only I am sure , I remained , by this meanes , with a very great kind of fortitude , and firme purpose , of accomplishing euen the least part of Holie Scripture , with the vttermost of all my power . And nothing , me thinkes , could offer it self to me , through which I would not passe , for the making this good . There remained also a truth , of this Diuine Truth , which was now represented to me ( though yet still , I know not how ) so deeply engrauen in my hart , that it made me carrie a new kind of profound reuerence to Almightie God. For it imparts a notice of his high Maiestie , and great Power , after such a manner , as cannot be described ; but I can only vnderstand , that it is a mightie kind of thing . I now remained also , with a very great desire , neuer to speake at all , but of things , which were substantially true ; and which might iustly take precedence of all that , which vses to be treated of , in this world . And so I then began , to find it paine enough , euen to liue in it . This Vision left me with a Regalo of great tendernes ; and with humilitie also . It seemed to me , that our Blessed Lord did giue me to vnderstand much , in this vision , though yet , without my vnderstanding the manner of it ; but , at least , I was satisfyed well enough , that it was no Illusion . I saw nothing ; but yet I vnderstood the great benefit , which there is , in not making account of anie thing , which brings vs not neerer to Almightie God ; and so I came to vnderstand , what kind of thing it is , for a Soule , to walke in Truth , in the presence of the same Truth . That , which I vnderstood , is , that our Lord gaue me to vnderstand , That he is verie Truth it self . And all these things , at which I haue now pointed heer , I vnderstood sometimes , by their being spoken to me ; and at other times , without speech ; but yet , some of this latter sort , with more clearnes , then those others , which were imparted to me , by words . I vnderstood very great truths , of this Truth ; and better , then if manie learned men had taught me ; and at least , it seemes to me , that they could , by no meanes , haue so imprinted them , in my minde , nor so clearly haue giuen me to vnderstand the vanitie of this world . This Truth , which , I say , was giuen me to be vnderstood , is verie Truth , in it self ; and it is both without beginning , and without end ; and all other Truths , depend vpon this Truth ; and all other Loues , vpon this Loue ; and all other Greatnesses , vpon this Greatnes ; though yet , all this be deliuered by me , with much obscuritie , in comparison of that clearnes , wherewith our Blessed Lord was pleased to impart it . And , how very well doth this become the great power of that Maiestie , to leaue such things as these , imprinted vpon the Soule , whereby such aduantages are obtained ? and that , in so short a time ? O Greatnes , and Maiestie of my Omnipotent Lord ! What is it , which thou art doing ? Consider who it is , to whome thou art vouchsafing such Soueraigne Fauours ? Dost thou not remember , how this Soule hath been a verie Abysse of Lyes , and euen a deep Sea of vanities ? and all this , through faults of mine owne ? For , notwithstanding that thou gauest me an inclination , which , naturally , did abhorre lying , yet I made my self apt to treat , in manie things , after a deceiptfull kind of manner . How art thou able , O my God , euen to endure me ? and how can so great goodnes of thine , be shewed to one , who hath so ill deserued it ? and how can so much Sinne against thee , be compatible with such Fauours , as these ? Being once reciting the Howers of the Diuine Office , with all the rest of the Religious , my Soule beganne to be suddainly recollected ; and it seemed to me , that it was like some cleare , and pure Looking-Glasse , without hauing anie thing , either on the back , or on the sides ; or yet , either aboue , or below , which was not all , extreamly cleare . And in the very Center thereof , Christ our Lord was represented to me , iust so , as I am accustomed to see him . It seemed to me , that I saw him clearly , in all the parts , and portions of my Soule , as in a Looking-Glasse ; and so also ( though I know not how ) our Blessed Lord himself , was engrauen therein , with such a certaine kind of enamoured communion , or communication of himself , as I cannot possibly expresse . Only I know , that this Vision hath been of very great benefit to me ; and is so , whensoeuer I remember it ; and especially , after I receaue the B. Sacrament . But it was giuen me heerby to vnderstand , that the being of a Soule in Mortall Sinne , is to make this Glasse be couered , with a great Clowde , and so , to become very darke ; and that so , though our Blessed Lord be euer present with vs ( yea so very present , as that he giues vs our verie Being , thereby ) yet then , he is not so represented , as to be seen by vs ; And that , when the Case concernes Heretiques , the Looking-Glasse is directly broken , which is farre worse , then to be obscured . But now , there is a very great deale of difference , between my seeing it , and my relating it ; for it is no easie thing , to giue it well to be vnderstood . Yet this hath done me a great deale of good , and hath affected me with much pittie , and greif , for those times , wherein my self did obscure my Soule , in such sort , as that I was not able to behold , and see this Blessed Lord of mine . It seemes also to me , that this kind of Vision , is very vsefull to persons , who are of much recollection , to teach them a way of thinking of our Blessed Lord , as in the most interiour part of their Soules ; which is a consideration , that will stick closest to then , and will be of much more benefit , then if they were considered ; as anie way our of the Soule , according to what I haue sayd els where ; and it is contained also in some Bookes , which are written of Prayer , about the way , how wee are to seeke Almighty God. In particular , the Glorious S. Augustin speakes much , of , how Almightie God is not to be sought , either in pleasures , or externall places ; and that he could be no way found so well , as in our selues ; and this is certainly the best way ; nor haue we need , to goe further off , then to our verie selues ; and much lesse , to clime-vp as high as Heauen , for this purpose ; for , this will but distract the Soule , and wearie the Spirit ; and doe vs nothing neer , so much good . I will also giue an aduertisment heer , to the end , that if anie bodie haue anie such thing , as that , he may know the better , how to carrie himself . It happens in some very great Rapts , ( when the time is past , wherein the Soule remaines in Vnion ; and when all the Faculties , and Powers thereof , are absorpt ; and which lasts , as I haue sayd , but a little while ) that the Soule remaines recollected , and is not able , in the exteriour way , to returne to it self ; but those two Powers , and Faculties , namely the Vnderstanding , and Memorie , remaine , as with a kind of frensie , in great disorder . This , I say , happens sometimes ; and especially , with Beginners . And I haue been thinking , whether it may not proceed , from this , That our condition is naturally very weake , and not able to admit , and endure so great a strength of Spirit , and that the Imagination is weakned also much ; and I know , that this happens to some . Now , for my part , I am apt to thinke , that it were not ill , to oblige them , in such cases as this , to leaue-off their Prayer , for that time , and to goe recouering that , afterward , which they loose then ; that so , all come not on togeather ; for it may chance proue an occasion of much inconuenience . And of this , we haue experience ; and that it will fall out , to be of better proofe , to consider very well , how much our state of health , and strength , is able to endure . But in all things , there will be need of good experience , and of a good Directour ; for , when once the Soule is growne to be in these tearmes , manie things will come to offer themselues , wherein there will be need enough of some bodie , with whome it may be fitt , to consider them . And if anie such man can not be found , when he is sought , our Blessed Lord himselfe , will not be wanting to him , since he would not be wanting to me , I being the wicked Creature , I am . For I beleiue , there are very few , who are come to haue experience of so manie things ; and if there be not experience , it is in vaine to thinke of anie remedie , which will not rather serue to disquiet , and afflict the Soule . But the best is , that our Blessed Lord will take euen that trouble of ours , in account , for some satisfaction of himself ; and therefore it will fall-out , to be better done , to conferr thereof , as I haue formerly sayd ; and so will it also be , to proceed , after this manner , in all those things , whereof I am speaking , now . For I see , that this imports very much , ( especially if they be woemen , who are concerned ) and that they doe it , with their Ghostlie Father ; and that he also be such , as is fitt . At least , there vse to be more woemen , then men , to whome our Lord imparts these Fauours ; and this I vnderstood first , from the holie man , Fray Pedro de Alcantara ; and I haue also seen my self , that they proceeded , and profited more , in this way of Spirit , then men doe . But he gaue excellent reasons , for his opinion , which need not be inserted heer ; for they all , are in fauour of woemen . Being , one day , in Prayer , there was suddainly represented to me ( but it was without my seeing anie thing formed ; and yet it was with a very extraordinarie kind of claritie ) how all things , are seen , in Almightie God ; and how he hath them all , in himself . To know , how to set this downe , is in no power of mine ; but it remained deeply imprinted in my Soule ; and it was one of the greatest Fauours , that euer had been done me , by our Blessed Lord ; yea and of those also , which put me to greatest confusion , & shame , when I considered the manie sinnes , which I had committed against him . I well beleiue , that , if our Blessed Lord had been pleased , to let me see this Vision , at some other time of my life ; or if they could see him now , who are sinning against him , they would neuer haue the hart , and courage , to doe , as they doe . It appeared to me , as I sayd ; but yet so , as that I cannot expresly affirme , that I saw anie thing distinctly ; but yet somewhat , me thinkes , must needs haue been seen by me , since I am able to make this verie comparison ; but that it fell out , to be signifyed , by so delicate , and subtile a way , as that the vnderstanding is not able to reach it ; or els , that I haue no skill of all those kinds of Visions , which seem not to be Imaginarie ; but yet , in some of these , I verily thinke , that perhaps there may be somewhat of the Imaginarie , or formed apparance , and that only the Powers of the Soule , being then in Rapt , they are not able afterward , to assigne anie Forme , in what manner our Lord represents himself to them there ; and how he is pleased , that they shall enioy him . But yet , supposing it to be the Diuinitie , in the forme of some bright Diamond , which were bigger , then the whole world ; or els , of some Looking-Glasse , after the manner of what I sayd before , concerning the Soule , in that other Vision , ( saue that this is in so superiour a kind of manner , that I am not able to expresse it ) and that all that , which we doe , is seen in this Diamond ( it being such , as that all things are shut-vp in it , because there is nothing , which can get out of that greatnes ) it was a thing extreamly to amaze me , to be able to see , in so very short a time , so manie things togeather , in this bright Diamond . And so was it also matter of extreame compassion , and greif , for me ( euerie time , that I remember my self ) to haue seen , that things , so very vglie , and fowle , as my sinnes were , should be representted , and shewed , in that so clearnes of light . And the truth is , that whensoeuer I remember it , I know not , how it comes to be possible for me , to endure it ; and I did really then remaine , so extreamly out of countenance , and ashamed , that , me thinkes , I could not tell , where to hide my head . O * that some Creature , or other , were able to giue this Truth to be well vnderstood , by these people , who commit dishonest filthie sinnes ; that so they might come to know , that they are not secret ; and that Almightie God , hath reason to be very sensible of those wrongs , since they are acted so truly , in the presence of his Diuine Maiestie ; and that we carrie our selues , with so base irreuerence , before him . I saw heer also , how iustly Hell is deserued , for anie one Mortall Sinne ; because it is past our power , to vnderstand , what a most greiuous crime it is , to commit it , in the presence of so great a Maiestie ; and what an vnspeakable distance , and dissimilitude , is found , between that , which he is , and that , which our Sinnes are ; and how it appeares euen heerby , so much the better , how great his mercie is , since , notwithstanding he knowes all this , he yet endures vs. It hath also made me consider , that if such a Vision , as this , can leaue the Soule so extreamly astonished , and amazed , what kind of thing , will the Day of Iudgement proue to be , when this Maiestie of Almightie God , will shew it self , with all clearnes ; and so we shall also clearly see , what kind of things , our sinnes were , which we committed against him . O my deare God! what blindnes is this , which hath seazed me ? And I haue often been amazed , euen whilst I haue been writing this ; and your Reuerence need be amazed at nothing , but how I am able euen to liue , whilst I am looking both vpon these things , and my self . But let him be eternally blessed , who hath vouchsafed to endure such things , at my hands . Being once in Prayer , in very great recollection , and with much quietnes , and sweetnes , me thought I was all emcompassed with Angells , and very neer to Almightie God ; and I beganne to be an humble Suiter to his Diuine Maiestie , for the benefit , and aduantage of his Church . And he gaue me to vnderstand , the much good , which a certaine Order should doe the world , in these latter times ; and the great courage , wherewith the Members thereof , should defend , and vphold the Catholique Faith. Being once in Prayer , neer the Blessed Sacrament , there appeared to me a certaine Saint , whose Order was in some decay . He had a great Booke in his hands , which he opened , and willed me to read certains Letters in it , which were very legible , and large ; and they sayd thus : In future times , this Order shall flourish , and haue manie Martyrs . Another time , being at Matins in the Quire , six or seauen persons were represented , and set before me ; and I held them to be of the same Order , and they had Swords in their hands . And I conceaue , that I was giuen thereby to vnderstand , that they should defend the Faith. For , being in Prayer , another time , and rapt in Spirit , me thought , I was in a very spauous feild , where manie were , who fought ; and they of this Order , did also fight , with great feruour . They had their faces beautifull , and much inflamed ; and they beate multitudes of men , downe to the ground , and killed others . This battaile seemed to be giuen against Heretiques ; & I haue seen this Glorious Saint , diuerse times ; and he hath told me some things , and giuen me thankes , for the Prayers , which I make for his Order ; and he hath promised , that he will recommend me to our Blessed Lord. I specifye not the seuerall Orders heer , least some should be offended at it ; and if our Lord shall thinke it conuenient , he may declare them . But euerie Order should procure , and so should euerie particular man of euerie Order , that , in so great a necessitie , as that , wherein the Church is , at this time , they might be able to serue her . For , happie are those liues , which may come to loose themselues , vpon this occasion . A certaine person desired me once , to beg of Almightie God , that I might vnderstand , whether or no , it would be for the Seruice of his Diuine Maiestie , that he should take a Bishoprick . I did so ; and our Lord made me this answer , after I had Communicated : VVhen he shall vnderstand , vvith all clearnes , and truth , that true Dominion consists , in possessing nothing , he may take it , then . Giuing thereby to vnderstand , that , whosoeuer is to be a Prelate , must be very farre , from so much as desiring it ; and yet further , from procuring it . These Fauours , and manie other also , haue been , and are still , very ordinarily shewed , by our Blessed Lord , to this sinnefull Woeman ; which , me thinkes , are not very necesarie , to be related ; since by those , which are deliuered already , my Soule , togeather with the Spirit , which our Lord hath giuen me , may be vnderstood . But let him be euer blessed , who hath had so much care of me . He told me once , by way of comforting me , that I must not afflict my self ( and this he did , with most tender loue ) for that , in this life of ours , we could not possibly , be alwaies after the same manner ; but that sometimes , I would be in feruour ; and sometimes , without it ; Sometimes , with vnquietnes , and temptations ; and Sometimes , without them , and in peace ; but that I must hope in him , and feare nothing . Being one day in thought , and doubt , whether it were not a kind of being tyed to Creatures , to be glad to be with such persons , as with whome I treat the busines of my Soule ; and to loue both them , and others also , whome I find to be the Seruants of Almightie God ; and to receaue comfort , by being with them ; he told me , that , if when a man is dangerously sick , the presence of a Phisitian , seemes euen to restore him to health , it would not be a vertue , to forbeare to be glad of him , and to loue him . And what ( sayd he ) wouldst thou haue done , if it had not been , for such , as they ? That he disliked not , that conuersation should be held with such , as were good , but that my words must euer be well considered , and holie ; and that so , it would be rather profitable to me , then hurtfull , not to giue-ouer communication with them . Now , this imparted a particular comfort , to me ; for sometimes , it would seem , to be a hauing too great a tye , vpon creatures , which made me once incline , to giue-ouer the custome I had , to conuerse with them . But our Lord did euer counsaile me , in all things ; yea so farre , as euen to tell me , how I should carrie my self , towards weake persons ; and some others also ; and he neuer layes the care of me , aside , But I am much troubled , to find , that I am good for so little , in his Seruice ; as also , that I can doe the lesse , through my spending more time , then I wi●h , vpon so weake , and wasted a bodie , as mine is . As I was once in Prayer , and the hower of our going to rest , came on , I found my self , in a great deale of paine ; and knowing , that my ordinarie Vomits would ariue ; and obserueing my self to be so tyed-vp , to these cares ; and the Spirit , on the other side , desiting to haue some time , for it self , I grew to be euen so tired , that I beganne to be greatly afflicted , and to weepe much ; and that happens very often to me . And this condition puts me to such a kind of anger , that , me thinkes , I doe , in those times , euen abhorre my self ; though yet it be true withall , that I doe not abhorre my self indeed ; nor yet am wanting , in what is necessarie for me ; and I rather pray God , that I take not more care of my self , then I should ; and so , I feare , I doe . But now , whilst I was in this greif , our Lord appeared to me , and regaled me very much ; and told me , that I must endure these troubles , and goe-through with them , for loue of him ; and That my Life , vvas necessarie , yet ; And so , me thinkes , I neuer see my self in anie very great paine , which I value , since I resolued to serue this Lord , and Comforter of mine , with all my power . For , though he permitted me to suffer a little , yet would he still be assisting me so withall , that I esteem not my selfe to doe much , in desiring to suffer afflictions , for his sake . So that now , me thinkes , there is no reason , why we should euen desire , so much as to liue , but only , to the end that we might suffer ; and accordingly , this is the thing , which I begg , with most affection , of Almightie God. And sometimes , I am saying to him , with my whole hart : O Lord , let me either suffer , or dye ; for I begg no other thing of thee , for my self . And now it vses to comfort me , to heare the Clock strike ; for so , me thinkes , I am growne , a little neerer , to the seeing of God ( though it be but a little ) because one hower more of my life , is past . At other times , I find my self in such sort , that I neither take much pleasure , in liuing ; nor yet , me thinkes , haue anie great minde , to dye ; and so , in the meane time , I remaine with a kind of stupiditie , and darknes of minde , in all things ; and , manie times , I also haue some troubles . And since our Lord was pleased , that those Fauours should be publiquely knowne , which his Diuine Maiestie vouchsafed to shew me ( as he himself had told me , some yeares agoe , that they should be ; which gaue me vexation enough ; and it is not a little , that I haue endured therein , as your Reuerence knowes ; for euerie bodie , will vnderstand things , as he listes ) I comfort my self yet , with this , that it hath not ariued by my fault ; because I neuer spake of anie such thing , but either to my Ghostlie Fathers , or others , who I knew euen by them , had vnderstood thereof . For of this , I was very warie , euen to extremitie ; though yet perhaps , I abstained not , so much , for respect of humilitie , as in regard , that I had paine enough , to tell euen my Ghostlie Father thereof ; and therefore , how much lesse would I impart things of this nature , to others . But now , I earnestly desire , that Almightie God may receaue glorie by it ; howsoeuer there be some , who murmure at me , very much , vpon this occasion ; though euen yet , I thinke , they may peraduenture doe it with good zeale . And there are others , who are afrayd , euen to treat with me , in anie kind ; yea and euen to receaue the Confession of my Sinnes ; and others , say also other things . But how soeuer , since I vnderstand , that it hath pleased our Blessed Lord , to reduce manie Soules , by this meanes ; and because I see clearly , and remember continually , how much , himself would be pleased to endure , for the gaining of one Soule , I allow my self to take little trouble for anie thing , which men can say of me . And I know not , whether or no , this may not haue been a part of the cause , why his Diuine Maiestie hath placed me , in this little Corner of the world , where I am so shut vp ; and where I thought , there would be no more memorie of me , then of a thing , which was dead . But their forgerfulnes , was not so great , as I wished ; and so I haue been constrained , to speake sometimes , with some persons . Yet howsoeuer . I am not now , where the world may easily , see me ; for it seemes , that our Lord hath been pleased , to driue me from Sea , to this Port ; and I trust ; in his Diuine Maiestie , that it will proue a very safe one , for me . And since now I am out of the world , and find my self , in the companie of few ( but they , holie Creatures ) I looke downe , vpon the world , as from a place , which is very high ; and so , it is growne to be of little moment with me , what they , below , doe either say , or thinke . And I would make much more account , to vnderstand , that anie one Soule should haue profited to the weight of one little graine , in God's Seruice , by my meanes , then of all , which can be sayd of me , in anie kind . For , since I haue found my self , in this place , our Lord hath been gratiously pleased , that all the desires of my hart , might haue no other ayme , but this . And he hath also giuen me , euen a kind of sleep , in this life , which makes me find , that whatsoeuer I see , is but dreaming ; nor am I able to say , that I reape , either much contentment , or trouble , by anie thing of this world . And if yet some things giue me anie , it passes away , with so very great speed , that I euen wonder at it ; and it makes but iust , such a kind of impression vpon me , as a thing would doe , whereof I had dreamt . And it is a most perfect truth , that although I should afterward haue a peice of a minde , either to be glad of anie contentment , or to be sorrie for anie mis-accident , and trouble , it is really no more now , in my power , but iust so , as anie man , who were discreet , would take , either trouble , or ioy , from a dreame of his owne . For now , our Blessed Lord hath already been pleased , to awake , and open the eyes of my Soule , from out of that follie , wherein it was . And whereas , by my not being mortifyed , nor dead , to the things of this world , I was wont to haue much feeling of such things , as hapned , his Diuine Maiestie is pleased now , that I should loose my true sight , no more . In this sort , Sir , doe I liue now ; and I beseech your Reuerence , my good Father , to begg of Almightie God , that he will either take me quickly to himself ; or els I beseech his Diuine Maiestie , that he giue me power to serue him . In the meane time , I humbly beseech Almighty God , that what I haue written heer , may be of some vse , to your Reuerence ; and I haue not done it , without some trouble , in regard of the little conueniences , which I had . But happie shall this trouble be , if I haue chanced , to hit anie thing , right ; and if our Blessed Lord may receaue some one only Act of praise , by occasion thereof , I shall esteem my self to be fully payd , though your Reuerence should burne it all , immediatly after . And yet I could not wish , that this should happen , till those three persons had seen it , of whome you know ; since they are , and haue been , my Ghostlie Fathers . For , if the thing be not right , it will be fitt , that they giue-ouer the good opinion , which they haue of me ; and if , on the other side , things goe well , I know , that they are good , and learned men ; and they can not be ignorant , from whence it comes ; and they will giue him glorie , and praise , who hath done it , though he haue serued himself of me , therein . I beseech his Diuine Maiestie , that he will euer keepe your Reuerence , in his holie hand , and make you so great a Saint , as that you may , with Spirit , and Light , illuminate this miserable Creature , who hath so little of the humble , in her , and so much of the bold , as that she hath presumed to write of these high things . I beseech our Lord , that I haue not erred therein , whilst my ayme , and desire was , to hitt right , and to obey ; and that , in fine , there might be somewhat , for which our Lord should be praised . For , this is that great Suite , which I haue made to him now , these manie yeares ; and , since I haue wanted workes , whereby to comply with this ayme , I haue aduentured , vpon commandment , to see , if I could put this irregular , and confused Life of mine , into some order ; though yet , without employing , either anie more attention , or time , then that , which was meerly necessarie , for writing it . And so I haue only set those things downe , which haue occurred to me , and passed in me , with all plainnes , and truth , to the verie vttermost of my endeauour . And I humbly beseech our Blessed Lord , that , since he is so powerfull , as that , if he will , he can ; he may be pleased , to make me wholy , hitt the marke , in performance of his holie will ; and not permit , that this Soule be lost , which his Diuine Maiestie hath been pleased , by so manie wayes , and euen cunning industries of his , yea and that , so manie times , to deliuer , and bring out of Hell , and to draw vp , so very close , to himself ; Amen . Benedictus Deus . This Booke vvas finished ( the first time ) in Iune , in the yeare of our Lord God , 1562. It vvas vvritten then , vvithout distinction of Chapters ; but aftervvards , it vvas vvritten by this glorious Saint , againe , and then it vvas diuided into Chapters ; and manie things also vvere added by her , vvhich hapned aftervvard ; and particularly , that , vvhich concerned the Foundation of the Monasterie of S. Ioseph , of Auila . A Letter , vvritten by the Glorious S. Teresa , to her Ghostlie Father , vvho had commanded her to vvrite her ovvne Life , for as much as might concerne her manner of Prayer , and the Fauours , vvhich our Lord had shevved her . And this Letter did she send to him , togeather vvith the Booke it self . THe Holie-Ghost be alwaies with your Reuerence , Amen . It would not be amisse , euen almost to exaggerate the Seruice , which now I am doing to your Reuerence , that so you may , euen hold your self , to be the more obliged , to take very particular , and great care , to recommend me to Almightie God. And this , I may well presume to doe , since it hath cost me so very deare , to see my self thus , set downe in writing ; and to haue brought , by occasion thereof , so manie of my great miseries , to my remembrance ; though yet withall , I can affirine with much truth , that I haue had farre more auersion , and trouble , vpon my declaring the Fauours , which it pleased our Blessed Lord to doe me , then it would haue been for me , to discouer , euen the offences themselues , which I haue committed against his Diuine Maiestie . But , in the meane time , I haue done , what your Reuerence hath commanded , in order to the enlarging my self , in this Discourse ; though yet withall , it be vpon condition , that your Reuerence will also doe , what you promised , in tearing whatsoeuer you shall not like . I had not finished so much , as the verie reading it ouer , after I had written it , euen now , when your Reuerence sent to me , for it ; and therefore , it may very well chance , that some things are ill declared ; and others , very vnnecessarily repeated ; for , the time , wherein I was able to doe it , did proue so very streight , and short , that I could not so much , as looke ouer , what I had written . I beseech your Reuerēce , to reforme my errours heerin ; and to command it , to be coppied out , and sent to Father Auila ; for els , perhaps , the hand may be knowne to others . But I desire very much , that such order may be taken , as that he may see it ; since I partly beganne to write it , vpon that designe . For , when he shall once conceaue , that I goe in a way , which is right , I shall be very much comforted by it ; and so , when I shall haue vsed this diligence , there will be , on my part , no more to be done . I humbly pray your Reuerence , to doe , in all things , as you shall thinke fitt ; and consider , that you are euen obliged , therein , for such an one , as trusts her Soule in your hands , after so confident a manner . As for yours , I will be recommending it to our Blessed Lord , all the dayes of my life ; and I beseech you therefore , make great hast to serue his Diuine Maiestie , to the end , that you may be the better able , to doe me also fauour , with him ; since your Reuerence will easily see ( by that , which goes in companie of this ) how well , all your endeauours will be employed , in going on , as you haue already begunne ; and in bestowing your self totally , vpon him , who hath giuen himself , so wholy to vs , without anie limits at all . Let him be blessed , and praised , for euer ; and for my part , I hope , through his mercie , that both your Reuerence , and my self , shall , one day , grow to vnderstand more clearly , the great blessings , which he hath been pleased to shew vs both , that so , we may be able to praise him , for all Eternities , Amen . A TABLE OF THE CHAPTERS . 1. CHAP. THe Saint shevves hovv our Lord began to stirr-vp her Soule , in her Childhood , to the performeing of vertuous actions ; And of the helpe , vvhich it giues , in order to this end , to be borne of vertuous Parents . 2. CHAP. She shevves hovv she vvent looseing in the vvay of vertue ; And hovv very much it imports , to conuerse , in Childhood , vvith vertuous persons . 3. CHAP. She treats , hovv her falling into vertuous company , vvas the occasion of her returning to avvake good desires in her selfe ; And hovv our Lord began to giue her some light , of the errour , vvherein she had formerly been . 4. CHAP. She relates , hovv our Lord assisted her to force her selfe to take the Habit of Religion , and of the many infirmityes , vvhich our Lord began to bring vpon her . 5. CHAP. She prosecutes the relation of the great infirmityes vvhich she had , and of the patience , vvhich our Lord gaue her in them ; and hovv benefits are dravvne out of mischeifes ; as vvill be seen by a certaine particular , vvhich happened to her , in the place , vvhither she vvent to be cured . 6. CHAP. She treates of hovv much she ovved our Lord for his giueing her conformity , to his holy vvill , in so great afflictions ; And hovv she tooke the Glorious Saint Ioseph for her Intercessour , and hovv aduantagious that Deuotion proued to be . 7. CHAP. She shevves , by vvhat degrees , and meanes , she vvent looseing the Fauour vvhich our Lord had done her , and hovv ill she began to liue . And she also declares the harme there is , in not maintaining Clausure , in the Monasteryes of Religious vvoemen . 8. CHAP. She treates of the great good it did her , tovvards the not looseing her Soule , not to haue vvholy giuen ouer her Prayer ; As also , vvhat an excellent remedy that is , tovvards the gaining of vvhatsoeuer good thing ; vvhich is lost . She persvvades all Creatures to vse it ; and declares the great benefit thereof ; and although vvee should aftervvard leaue it , yet still it vvould proue a great good , to haue vsed so great a helpe , for some time . 9. CHAP. She declares , by vvhat meanes our Lord began to avvake her Soule , and giue her light in so great darknes ; and to strengthen also her vertues , that so she might offend him no more . 10. CHAP. She beginnes to declare the Fauours , vvhich our Lord did her , in Prayer ; and speakes of that , vvherein vvee may be able to helpe our selues ; And hovv much it also imports vs , to vnderstand the said Fauours , vvhich our Lord is pleased to doe vs. She humbly desires of him , to vvhome she sends this account of her selfe , that vvhatsoeuer she shall declare , from hence forvvard , may remaine in secret vvith him , since he had commanded her to set dovvne , in so particular a manner , the Fauours , vvhich our Lord vvas pleased to doe her . CHAP. 11. She declares , in vvhat the fault consists , of not obtaining to loue God vvith perfection , in short time . She beginns to deliuer it by a Comparison , vvhich containes Fovvre Degrees of Prayer . And she treats heer of the first , vvhich is very profitable , for beginners ; & for those also , vvho haue no sensible delight , or gust , in Prayer . 12. CHAP. She prosecutes her Discourse of the first State , or Degree of Prayer , and declares , hovv farre vvee may ariue , of our Selues , by the Fauour of our Lord ; And of the hurt it brings , to desire that our Spirit may rise to Supernaturall , and Extraordinary things , till our Lord himselfe be pleased to ordaine it . 13. CHAP. She proceeds in this First Degree , and State of Prayer , and giues aduise against some temptations , vvhich the Deuill is sometimes vvont to bring . This Discourse is very profitable . 14. CHAP. She beginns to declare the Second Degree of Prayer , vvherein our Lord is already pleased , to giue the Soule more particular gusts ; vvhich she declares , to the end , that she may make them be vnderstood to be Supernaturall . This Discourse is very much to be noted . 15. CHAP. She prosecutes her Discourse of the same matter , and giues some aduise , hovv persons are to carry themselues , in this kind of Quiet Prayer . She treates , hovv , many Soules come to ariue to this Degree of Prayer , and that fevv passe beyond it . The particulars vvhich are touched beer , are not only very profitable , but very necessary . 16. CHAP. She treates of the Third Degree of Prayer , and goes declareing some very high points ; and vvhat a Soule vvhich ariues thus farre , may be able to doe ; and vvhat effects , these so great Fauours of our Lord , are accustomed to vvorke . The sense heerof is very fitt to raise the Spirit high , in the praises of Almighty God ; and it is also of great consolation for the Soule , vvhich ariues to this State. 17. CHAP. She prosecutes the same Argument about this Third Degree of Prayer ; and finishes the declaration of the Effects ; vvhich vvorkes , and declares also the disaduantage , vvhich the Memory , and Imagination , are vvont to bring , in this case . 18. CHAP. She treates of the Fourth Degree of Prayer . She beginnes heer , to declare , in excellent manner , the great dignity , to vvhich our Lord aduances that Soule , vvhich is exalted to this State. It serues to animate men much , to endeauour that they may ariue to so high a condition , since it may be obtained in this vvorld , through the goodnes of our Lord , though it cannot be deserued . Let this be read vvith consideration , and care . 19. CHAP. She prosecutes the same Discourse , and beginns to declare the effects , vvhich this degree of Prayer , vvorkes in the Soule . She persvvades men earnestly not to turne back , nor to giue-ouer their Prayer , though they should happen to fall , euen after they had receiued these Fauours . She speakes of the great harme , vvhich vvill ariue to them , if they doe othervvise . This Discourse is much to be noted ; and it is of great consolation , for vveake persons , and Sinners . 20. CHAP. She treates of the difference betvveen Vnion , and Rapt , and declares vvhat kind of thing a Rapt is . She speakes also of the blessing , vvhich that Soule hath , vvhich our Lord , through his goodnes , brings thither , and of the effects , vvhich Rapts vse to produce . This Discourse is of much admiration . 21. CHAP. She prosecutes , and finishes this last Degree of Prayer . She declares vvhat the Soule findes therein , vvhen she returnes to liue againe , in the vvorld ; and the light also , vvhich our Lord giues , concerning the deceipts , and errours of the same vvorld . This Chapter deliuers excellent Doctrine . 22. CHAP. She treats of hovv secure a vvay it is , for persons vvho giue themselues to Contemplation , not to raise-vp their Spirit to high things , vnlesse our Lord raise them vp ; and that the Humanity of Christ our Lord , is indeed to be the meanes , tovvards the highest Contemplation of all others . She speakes also of an errour , vvherein once she vvas . This Chapter containes matter of much profit . 23. CHAP. She returnes to declare the course of her Life , and hovv she first beganne to thinke of grovving to greater perfection , and by vvhat meanes she did it . This Chapter is very profitable for such as are to gouerne Soules in order to Prayer ; and to make them knovv , hovv they are to behaue themselues in their beginnings , and of the benefit she reaped , by knovving it her selfe . 24. CHAP. She prosecutes the former Discourse , and shevves , hovv her Soule vvent profiting , vvhen once she had begunne to obey . She also declares , for hovv little purpose it serued , to resist the Fauours of Almighty God ; and hovv his Diuine Maiestie , vvent daily imparting them to her , after a more compleat manner . CHAP. 25. She treates heer , of the vvay and manner of vnderstanding those vvords or Speeches , vvhich Almighty God is pleased to vtter to the Soule , though yet vvithout hearing any voyce , or sound ; and of some errours , or abuses , vvhich may happen heerin ; and hovv the right may be knovvne , from the vvrong . It is of much vse , and profit , for such as see themselues in this degree of Prayer ; for it is declared very vvell , and the Doctrine containes great instruction . 26. CHAP. She prosecutes the same Discourse , and goes relating , and declareing such things , as happened to her ; vvhich made her to loose feare , and to be strengthned in a beleife , that it vvas a good spirit , vvhich spake to her . 27. CHAP. She treates of another vvay , hovv our Lord instructs a Soule , and giues her to vnderstand his vvill , after a very admirable manner , vvithout any Speech at all . She also declares a certaine Vision , and great Fauour , vvhich our Lord shevved her ; and this Vision vvas not Imaginarie . This Chaepter is very much to be noted . 28. CHAP. She treates of the great Fauours , vvhich our Lord did her ; and hovv he appeared to her , the first time . She declares , that it vvas a Vision , vvhich shevved it selfe by vvay of the Imagination ; and discouers the great effects , and testimonyes , vvhich such things leaue in the Soule , vvhen they are of Almighty God. This Chapter is of great instruction , and deserues to be noted , much . 29. CHAP. She prosecutes the Discourse , vvhich she had begunne , and relates some high Fauours , vvhich our Lord vvas pleased to doe her ; and vvhat his Diuine Maiestie did futher , for the securing , and encourageing her minde , and for the enabling her to ansvver her Contradictours . 30. CHAP. She returnes to recount the course of her life ; and hovv our Lord gaue remedye to many of her troubles , by bringing that Holy man Fray Pedro de Alcantara , of the Order of the Glorious S. Francis , to the place vvhere she vvas . And she declares the great temptations , and invvard troubles , vvhich sometimes she endured . 31 CHAP. She treates of certaine exteriour temptations , and representations of the Deuill ; and of the torments , vvhich he gaue her . She speakes also of other things , vvhich are very fitt , for the aduise , and instruction of such persons , as are vvalking on , in the vvay of Perfection . 32. CHAP. She treates hovv it pleased our Lord , to put her , in Spirit , into a place of Hell ; vvhich she said she had deserued for her Sinnes . She relates vvhat vvas represented to her there ; vvhich vvas but a kind of shaddovv of such things , as are suffered in that place . She beginnes also to declare the vvay , and manner , hovv that Monastery vvas founded in Auila , vnder the name of S. Ioseph . 33. CHAP. She proceeds in the same Subiect , of the Foundation of the Monastery of the Glorious S. Ioseph . She declares , hovv she vvas commanded to attend to that busines ; and of the time , vvhen she forbore to follovv it ; and of some troubles , vvhich she had ; and hovv she vvas comforted in them , by our Blessed Lord. CHAP. 34. She declares , hovv at this time , she vvas necessarily to goe from that place ; and she shevves the cause thereof ; and hovv her Superiour commanded her to goe , for the comfort of a certaine Lady , vvho vvas much afflicted . She beginns to treat of that , vvhich hapened to her there , and of the great Fauour , vvhich it pleased our Lord to doe , by her meanes , in stirring-vp a very principall person to doe him very great Seruice ; and hovv aftervvard she receiued much Fauour , and protection from him . This is an admirable Discourse , and very much to be noted . 35. CHAP. She prosecutes the same Subiect , about the Foundation of this Hovvse of our Glorious Father S. Ioseph . She speakes of the Degrees , by vvhich our Lord came to appoint , that holy Pouertie should be ordained there ; and of the cause vvhy she came from that Lady , vvith vvhome she vvas ; and of other things also , vvhich succeeded . 36. CHAP. She prosecutes the Subiect , vvhich she had begunn , and declares the finall conclusion of this Monastery of the Glorious S. Ioseph of Auila ; and of the great contradictions , and persecutions , vvhich the Religious vvoemen vvere put to suffer , euen after they had taken the Habit ; and of the many troubles , and temptations , vvhich she vvas faine to vndergoe ; and hovv his Diuine Maiestie drevv her out of all , vvith victorie , to his ovvne praise , and glorie . 37. CHAP. She treates of the effects , vvhich vsed to remaine in her Soule , vvhen our Lord had done her any Fauour , and she accompanies this Discourse , vvith very profitable Doctrine . She declares also , hovv vvee are to procure , and greatly esteem , the gaining of one degree of glory more ; and hovv vvee must not , for any trouble , or paines , forsake those benefitts , & blessings , vvhich are euerlasting . 38. CHAP. She treates of some great Fauours , vvhich our Lord vvas pleased to doe her , as vvell in acquainting her vvith certaine Secrets of Heauen , as by giueing her other great Visions , and Reuelations . She declares also the effects , vvhich they left in her Soule , and the great benefitts , vvhich she obtained by them . 39. CHAP. She proceeds in the same Subiect , of shevving the great Fauours , vvhich our Lord had done her . And she declares , hovv he vvas pleased to promise his Fauour to them , for vvhome she should begg it ; and she relates some important particulars , vvherein his Diuine Maiestie had done her extraordinary Fauours , of this kind . 40. CHAP. She proceeds in the same Discourse , by relating the great Fauours , vvhich our Lord shevved her ; vvhereby good instruction is to be gotten . And vvith the end of this Chapter , she ends also the Discourse of her Life . 41. A Letter , vvritten , by the GLORIOVS S. TERESA , vvhich she sent , together vvith the Booke , to her Ghostly Father . APPROBATIO . HAec vita S. Teresae , primùm Hispanico sermone à se conscripta , & postea taliter edita , nunc verò felicissimè Anglicè reddita per Ill m virum M. T. iussu R mi Antuerpiensis , à me attentè perlecta fuit ; & in eadem nihil dum reperi , vel contra fidem , vel quod possit , meo iudicio , pias & Christianas aures offendere ; imò , cùm amorē eius seraphicum , vndique lucentem ac inflammantem , Lector experiatur , censeo dignissimam , vt in communem etiam Catholicorum Anglorum vtilitatem imprimatur . Antuerpiae 5. Augusti M. DC . XLII . RICHARDVS WAKE I. V. L. Notes, typically marginal, from the original text Notes for div A64409-e290 Cap. 4. Cap. 5. Cap. 2. Cap. 8. Cap. 7. Cap. 6. Cap. 22. * Note this great , & most certaine Truth . Notes for div A64409-e2320 a Many vse to repeat the Creed , in the presence , and as in the person , of such , as are neer expiring ; by vvay of fortefying thē , at that time , against the temptations of the Diuell . b VVhen persons are neer expiring , attendants vse to be very neer them , vvith hallovved Candles . Notes for div A64409-e2680 * An excellent Aduise . Notes for div A64409-e2970 Take heed of this great danger . * Consider this point much , and often . * Note this good Conclusion vpon the Praemises . * Note this , very vvell ; for nothing imports more , thē this . * A great and gross errour . * A point of very great importance . Notes for div A64409-e3160 * Note . * This vvas the beginning , of many great blessings . Notes for div A64409-e3320 * Her entrance into the receaueing Supernaturall Fauours . * It vvorkes not indeed , by vvay of vsing Discourse , or makeing Inferences ; but yet it vvorks , by vvay of Contēplation , and Admiration of the Infinite Obiect , being God , vvho is set before it . * Note . * A great & foolish errour . Notes for div A64409-e3490 * Behold heer the true & great impediment . * This Saint is admirable , in all the Comparisons vvhich the vses . * This is a kind of Engine , vvith certaine little leather Buckets fastned to the sides of a very great vvheele , vvhich dra vves vp , very much vvater , vvith great ease . In Spanish it is called a Noria . * A good Lesson . * A consideration of much comfort . * A hard question , most clearly , and excellently ansvvered . * Marke vvell these masculine , and massye vvords . Notes for div A64409-e3790 * Note . * This suspending of the Thought or Vnderstanding , of vvhich the Saint speakes , is a presenting a multitude of Supernaturall , and Diuine Obiects before it ; together vvith a copious infusion of Light , vvich is decerned by it , after a kind of intuitiue vvay at once , vvithout discourse , or trouble : And this Light rests not there , but passes-on to the VVill , and grovves to be , as so much Fyre , for the inflameing it , in the Loue of our Lord. And the Soule doth more properly suffer heer , then act . And novv the Saint giues great vvarning , that people be not so foolish , as to offer at these things , of themselues . A great truth . * A dangerous , & provvd , foolish errour . Notes for div A64409-e3960 * Obserue the generous vvay of this great Saint . * Note this very vvell . * A great praise of a large hart . * Hovv Saynts are to be imitated ; & hovv , admired . * Note this vvell . * A necessary Aduise . * Our daily Bread. * A description of a good Directour in matter of Spirit . * Note . Notes for div A64409-e4290 * Hovv the VVill is to carry it selfe to the other Faculties of the Minde . * The blessings of Quiet Prayer . Notes for div A64409-e4460 * Note . * Note . * Hovv the Soule is to carry it selfe in Quiet Prayer . * Note . * A true & happy Comparison . * The good Spirit very easily discerned from the bad . * Note this point , aboue all . * A most necessary Document . * A great blessing , by meanes of this Prayer . * These , are the more generous mindes . Notes for div A64409-e4780 * As vvhen one is dyinge . * This is an admirable State of Minde . * The true State of the Povvers of the Minde , in this Prayer . Notes for div A64409-e4910 Hovv there is an Vnion in this Prayer ; & hovv there is none . Notes for div A64409-e5080 * The great effects of this high Prayer . * The difference betvveē Eleuatiō , and Vnion . Notes for div A64409-e5340 * She proceeds in declaring the great effects of this high Prayer . * A Cōsideration of strange comfort . * This is strange indeed . * The strong Pillar of Prayer . * Consider this very vvell . * Take heed . * A most dangerous temptation . * Consider , and admire this passage . Notes for div A64409-e5630 * The manner & nature of Rapts . * The Effects of Rapts . * The strangest state of Minde , vvhich perhaps is described in the vvhole Booke . * The effect of Rapts . * This Saynt it admirable , in her Comparisons . * Other great effects of true Rapts . Notes for div A64409-e6060 * Her great zeale for the conuersion of Kings . * She alludes to Comets , and blazing Starrs . * A rare expression . Notes for div A64409-e6230 * Anopinion , vvhich is more probable , then true . * This seems to haue been a foolish , and ill-fauoured kind of errour in those others . * That vvas , by seuerall Visions . * A svveet , and iust cōplaint , and vvorthie of the Saint vvho made it . * By Vision . * Beleiue and consider this most certaine Truth . * A doubt . vvhich cannot easily be solued . Notes for div A64409-e6620 * She grovves novv to make serious enquiry after a good Directour . * The only excellent course . * This holy mā , enters often into the Story of our Saynt . * This vvas no improbable opinion , though it vvere no true one . * So good a begining , vvas almost , a kind of perfecting the vvorke . * The Saynt begann heer , to be happy . Notes for div A64409-e6900 * This vvas a vvise man , & likely to vvorke vvonders vpon a Soule . * He lost nothing , by leaueing to be a Duke , for Gods sake . * This must needs haue been , a holy , and a vvise man. * A little of this , goes farr . * So true it is , that God is God. Notes for div A64409-e7150 * The mighty force , and povver of any one Supernaturall vvord . * The infinit differēce , betvveē Supernaturall vvords of God , & all other . * A strange encounter . * Great povver of our Lord. * Hovv quickly she gott courage against the Diuells . * A most certaine truth . Notes for div A64409-e7520 * This vvas a very ill aduise indeed . Notes for div A64409-e7660 * The incredible deare svveetnes of our B. Lord to a Soule . * Obserue this , vvell . * This Saint yovv see , vvas certainly no Protestant . * The Masque of Pride . * An admirable example of Pennance . Notes for div A64409-e8010 * Humane frailty , and celestiall glory , are not compatible . * Imaginary Visions represented to , & by the senses are of the lovvest ranke , & most subiect to danger . * The great effects of an admirable , and most sublime Vision . * The differēce is easily found , both betvveen a true Vision , and a false ; and betvveen a true Vision , and a Fancy . * A plaine demonstration . * In order to the guideing of others , a Directour may easily haue too meane an optnion of himselfe . * This Saint vvas hugely vexed , by the insatisfaction vvhich she receiued from many Spirituall men . Notes for div A64409-e8310 * This is very fitt to be knovvne * This is a true Fortiter sed Suauiter . * This Saint vvas most strangely familiarly , and supernaturally visited by our B Lord. * A strange Taske , vvhich vvas put , even by holy men , upon this Saint . * The more she vvas discountenanced , euen by good men , so much the more highly vvas she fauoured by our Lord. * A rare Comparison . * Still , more & more excellent comparisons . * An excellent , & most necessary Aduise . * A strange mixture of affections , but such as God knovves hovv to giue . * This greife is after the rate of the loue . Notes for div A64409-e8590 * A very safe and vvise vvay of proceeding . * This is a most certaine truth . * Heer follovves a vvhole vvorld of sad temptations & troubles . * The differēce betvveē Diuine , and Diabolicall greife of minde . * The vvay & manner of a great desolation . * A pretty humour . * A happy State. Notes for div A64409-e9110 * She makes along Discourse of the Diabolicall Temptations . & troubles , to vvhich she vvas subiect . * The excellency of Holy VVater . * A great , and iust consolation . * A question vvorthy of him that askt it . * This is a very great Truth ; but the Accent must be put , vpon the vvord Indeed . * And though she should haue continued to aske it , I dare say our Lord vvould not haue graunted it . * A must certaine truth . * A vvise , & solid Truth . * Exercise of Prayer , and loue of Honour , agree not vvell together . Notes for div A64409-e9530 * This is not to be litterally vnderstood ; for the Diuell can prepare no place for a Soule in Hell , but by the Decree of Almighty God , vpon the particular Iudgement giuen at the death of the Party . * The Sinnes of Ingratitude , discorrespondence , and inordinate affection to Creatures , vvhich she did committ ; and the greater and mortall Sinnes , vvhich she vvould most certainly haue committed , if the Mercy of our Blessed Lord , had not preuented , and vvithheld her . * Hell is represented to her in Spirit , after a most subtile manner , and it vvas shevved to her , and described by her , in such sort , as that such Creatures , may be capable thereof , as are indued not only vvith Mindes , but vvith Bodyes . * The excellent fruits , vvhich this Saint did gather from this great Fauour , vvhich seems to be the sole cause vvhy our B. Lord vvas pleased to impare this Fauour . * The great benefit of this Fauour . * Vide supra fol : 471. * A svveet Effect , of a sad Cause . Notes for div A64409-e9860 * A sad , and strange proceeding . * Hovv one suspition , u vvont to thrid it self close , vpon another . * A holy & vvise man. * All these things , and the like ; as namely , Darts , or Chaines , or Crovvnes , or Ievvells &c. are not to be vnderstoood after a grosse . & materiall vvay , but yet , that really they haue truth , in their being represented distinctly , & clearly , to the Imagination of the Partyes ; and they cheifly serue , as testimonies , & Signes , of those interiour graces , & vertues , vvhich vse to be imprinted vpon Soules , at those very times , by the mercy of our B. Lord. Notes for div A64409-e10190 * She meanes her selfe . * This Saint vvas an excellent person , to make a freind of . * A very strange demonstration of a most ciuill , noble , and freindly hart . Notes for div A64409-e10570 * Our Blessed Lord , is still as good as his vvord . * The great Charity , & Humility of the Saynt . * Hovv deuout , this deare Saynt is . Notes for div A64409-e10840 * They vvere very noble , though they vvere poore . * The Diuell is still , himselfe . * This is such a kind of vvorld , as vvherein , things vvill euer goe thus . * A true ansvver to all the Diuells Obiections . * Note the description vvhich the Saynt makes heer of her Religious . * This Fast of the Order , is not so strict , and rigorous , as that of the Church ; but is rather a forbearance of halfe the Meale , then a Fast . * This Point of haueing so very fevv , in a Monastery , vvas partly meant , for them vvho vvere to liue in any place , on Almes ; and partly because the Saint had seen some disorders by haueing too many Religious in other Hovvses ; and yet the Saint her selfe came aftervvard , to admit of tvventy , in stead of tvvelue ; and vvould perhaps haue admitted more , if she had found reason for it . Notes for div A64409-e11510 * She inueighs vvith much reason , against vaine Complements , and especially amongst Religious people . Notes for div A64409-e12340 * An excellent & most vsefull Document . * A true noble , & most generous hart . Notes for div A64409-e12750 * Great effects of a Vision .