Characterismi: or, Lentons leasures Expressed in essayes and characters, neuer before written on. By F.L. Gent. Lenton, Francis, fl. 1630-1640. 1631 Approx. 84 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 81 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2004-03 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A05320 STC 15463 ESTC S109394 99845042 99845042 9918 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A05320) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 9918) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1475-1640 ; 842:08) Characterismi: or, Lentons leasures Expressed in essayes and characters, neuer before written on. By F.L. Gent. Lenton, Francis, fl. 1630-1640. [168] p. Printed by I[ohn] B[eale] for Roger Michell, London : 1631. Dedication signed: Fra. Lenton. Printer's name from STC. Signatures: A B-G¹² H⁴. The first two leaves and the last leaf are blank. Running title reads: Characters. Reproduction of the original in the Henry E. Huntington Library and Art Gallery. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. Gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. 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Copies of the texts have been issued variously as SGML (TCP schema; ASCII text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable XML (TCP schema; characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless XML (TEI P5, characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or TEI g elements). Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng Characters and characteristics -- Early works to 1800. 2003-09 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2003-09 Apex CoVantage Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2003-10 Judith Siefring Sampled and proofread 2003-10 Judith Siefring Text and markup reviewed and edited 2003-12 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion Characterismi : OR , LENTONS LEASVRES . Expressed IN ESSAYES AND CHARACTERS , Neuer before written on . By F. L. Gent. Dum viuo , video Errorem in humanis , Terrorem in libris . LONDON , Printed by I. B. for Roger Michell . 1631. To the right Honorable , OLIVER , Lord S t IOHN , Baron of Bletsoe . Right Noble , AMidst the rest of your sports and pleasures I haue presumed to interpose this small volumne of Characters vpon certaine subiects , as yet neuer wrote vpon . To which Assumption I was led , not by any affectation or conceit , of my selfe , or of these , but from the true knowledge of that innate worth and noblenesse in you , of which the world so much takes notice , that it iustifies me to be no Parasite , in that my tongue and heart agrees with that generall fame which is neuer blazed without desert . After some more violent exercise of body ( which though through the pleasure thereof is not felt till ended ) some wearinesse may accurre . These may perhaps minister occasion of mirth to the minde , and giue digestion to your former delights : Your Honors acceptance of it shall rightly Characterize your curtesie ; and your reading it , re-ingage mee to amplifie it with more , and more merry . And though these goe forth in the reare , they may ( if not too much mangled in the Combat with Criticks ) returne in the front with victory ; which I leaue to the fortune of the day , & your Honours fauour , which I shall study to deserue , whilst I liue to be Your Honors most oblig'd , FRA. LENTON . To his most lou'd friend M r FRANCIS LENTON . IF loue , not Learning May my lines preferre , To front , not grace Thy well writ Character ; Or if a willing minde May plead th' excuse Of my vnable , More vnworthy muse ; Then take me with thee Frank , I meane as well As he , whose lines But few can parallell . And th●… my approbation Cannot adde Least lustre to thy booke , Or make 't be had In more esteeme : Or free it from the mew Of Simon Simple , Or the senselesse Crew : Who finding more New Characters , will aske , What 's he dares vndertake ▪ So blunt a taske . Then Master Criticke Comes , and seemes to snarle , Saying this worke Onely becomes an Earle . Yet this I know , Thine are so witty , merry , As would haue bin Allow'd by Ouerberry , Had he e're seene 'em : Boldly then goe on , Well to enlarge , what Thou hast well begun . For in despight of Blacke-mouth'd Calumny Thy lines shall li●…e Vnto Posterity : And after-times may With delightfull pleasures Find sportiue mirth In reading Lentons leasure●… . Thi●…e 〈◊〉 , IO●…N 〈◊〉 . The Contents . A State Politician . 1 A Gallant Courtier . 2 A young Barrister . 3 A Commissary . 4 A Parasite or Flatterer . 5 An Vxorious man. 6 A Country Widdow . 7 A Chambermaid . 8 A Broke●… Citizen . 9 A Bawd. 10 A Pander . 11 A Darling ▪ 12 A Lawyers Clarke . 13 A Farmer Tenant . 14 A Double benefic'd Parson . 15 A Schoole-master . 16 A Countrey Alewife . 17 An Aldermans daughter . 18 A Prodigall . 19 An Vsurer . 20 A Broker . 21 A Bragadotio . 22 A Sempster . 23 A Prostitute or Whore. 24 A Gamester . 25 An Host. 26 A Common Drunkard . 27 An Elder Brother . 28 A●…●…nnes a Court Gentleman . 29 A Low Country Souldier . 30 A Gentleman-Vsher . 31 A Cuckold . 32 An Informer . 33 A Bachelour . 34 An Vndershriefe . 35 A Drawer . 36 A Good Husband . 37 A Constant man. 38 A iealous man. 39 A desperate man. 40 A True friend . 41 Characters . 1. A State Politician , IS a great Man deepely read in the Mysteries of iniquity ; who being wel grounded in the Theoricke , assumes the Practique as an Effect of the Cause : One , whose much study hath cald him to more Care then Conscience , that whatsoeuer by Power and Proiect he atchieues and accumulates to himselfe , his pretence is still for the good of the Common-weale : For the safety whereof he watcheth as a Foxe for his prey . Forraigne estates are as familiar with him as his owne , for the knowledge whereof he spends much , and gets more . The vulgar honour him more for fear then loue , and either barke , or are silent , as his distance is from them . Their popular applause hee esteemes not , but laughes at their Enuy in his higher Spheare , soaring aboue their Capacities by the sides of Princes , and seriously contemplating how to carry himselfe in the next Charge , being neuer troubled with any alteration , hauing his seuerall Postures for all ; for his Grauity , his lookes , and his language are neere allide , this austere , that seuere ; for his Habit , hee is all ouer furr'd , but seldome or neuer foxt , except at a Coronation . In a word , he climes vp with much cost , staggers there with many cares , and commonly falls with more feares , And those that neuer durst libell him , liuing , dare cowardly throw one of Iuuenals stones at his Graue . 2. A Gallant Courtier , IS the outside of a Statesmā a little more gaily trimd vp , and as he is ●…epleat with internall indowments , so this is compleat with externall Complement . Hee is a man so courteous , that hee cannot deny you any thing , and so carelesse after his grant , that he will performe nothing . One whom your Taylor is much bound to for his new fashion ( which is his prime study ) and he reciprocally for his Taylors faith , ( which neuer goes without works ) both which concurre together till the day of account , and then he is deferr'd till doomesday , or else presently paid with a Priuilege . Hee hath more deuices vpon a new Doublet , than Ouid had verses , and those as Geometricall , as his naturall . He spares for no cost whilest he may be credited ; and when that failes , he fals vpon some full-mouth'd Lady , whose marke hath beene long out ; where he stil preyes but seld , or neuer praies for ought but her death . Hee is composed onely of two Elemens , Ayre and Fire , Leuity and Choler , hauing the predominance , wanting water and earth , humidity and solidity , and holds nothing more ignoble than the defect of formality . His Barber and his beard doe hold a faire and euen Correspondency , and agree aswell as his head with its Perriwig , of which , how carefull he is , the doffing his Beauer wi●…l discouer , euen from Ludgate Hill ( if he dares come so nye it ) to Chairing Crosse , his more secure walke . His Congees are so common , that few care for them , and his bodye's most lowly , when his mind 's most lofty : Cupid is his key , Venus his deuotion , and Mercury his messenger , whilst he cornutes lame Vulcan : You may smell him before you see him , and see him long enough before you know him . Hee is oftentimes his his owne admirer , and thinks himselfe the onely obiect of others , whilst they thinke him their abiect . In briefe , his tongue and his heart are most commonly as great strangers , as his hands and his actions , or his large promises & lame performances . 3. A young Barrester , IS one call'd too ▪ t by Reading , though he neuer read for 't , and hath tane his leaue of Littleton before he was wel acquainted with him . At his first entrance he hath a very good Conscience , and therefore loues the Chancery better than the Common-Law , aswell for the effect of the one , as the defect of the other ; where he liues by perpetuall motion ( as not yet ripened , for those more harsh and ambiguous Demurres and arguments ) and subsists by the same , till by stratagem in Law , he hath surprised some Aldermans daughter , by putting the Case rightly , who through the greenenesse of her youth and face , is horne mad for a man of his profession . His very calling writes him Esquire , though his Scutchion sometimes cannot speak him Gentleman , except by way of admittance . Hee is very open-handed till his fee hath clutcht it , and then he 's open mouth'd , and will be sure to speake more than toth' purpose , whilest his silly Client reioyceth as much in the very tone of his tongue , as the substance of his talke , be-being both ●…quall to his capacity . His Clients are his Soule , and when they faile , he expires , onely here 's the difference , hee prouides not for his soule , but his soule for him ▪ Hee 'll speake more in a moment , than do in a month , and warrant your Cause according to his reading ; till your hearings proue his holidayes , and your Trials his experience . His ambition is to climbe to the ●…eat of Iustice , but is loth to be blinde in the place , lest hee should not see those pictures his soule takes pleasure in , but in the meane time , hee is striuing to be put in Commission , where perhaps you may see him the next Quarter-Sessions . 4. A Commissary , IS a man much giuen to libels , or rather libels to him , and ( which is much ) is priuiledg'd to receiue them , and proues a gainer by the hand . Hee trades much in Will and Inuentory ( the Relicks of the dead ) which he files with much felicity , and howeuer the Executour ●…peeds , hee is still of the taking hand : He lookes not so much to the performance of the Will , as the payment of his Fees , and visits the wife of the next Vicarage . Hee hath many foule cases layd open before him , and hee as soundly canuasses them ; by the which he acquires a faire purse , and a foule Conscience . Basterdy and Bawdery are his chiefe rents , and incontinency and whoredome his Farmers ; and ( which is strange ) he liues by that , for which all men dye , ( Sinne. ) Hee hath many Visitations , which hee beares very patiently , in regard of the sweet Cordials accrewing therby . He is your hasty youths , and and yonger Scollers Oracle , who daily worship him for his speedy licence , that they may both presently enter into their Pulpits , and he into their purses . Hee is one that shall excommunicate you , ipso facto , for fiue shillings , and absolue you immediately , ex officio , for three shillings foure pence . In briefe , He is the Bishops mouth , the Bawds eare , the Sinners absolution , the Whores purgatory , the Diocesan Mountebanke , the Church-wardens terror , the Parsonages friend , and the Parsons superuisor , with whose wife I now leaue him till the next Visitation . 5. A Parasite or Flatterer , IS Salomons abiect , debar'd euery wise mans Table , not so much for his gluttony , as his glozing . He is ingendred by Pride , hatcht vp by arrogance , and perpetually fostred by fooles ( the Anuils on which hee still beates ) who by reason of their insensibility obserues not his insinuation , but are presently puft vp with those Peacockestayles he stickes in their foreheads . Greatnesse neuer goes without this applausiue Puppet , and goodnesse neuer can abide him , there being a kinde of Antipathy between them . His tongue is in the Eare of euery affectator , and then neuer further from his owne heart . Folly and popularity are his prime obiects , and he is still present where they predominate . He cannot be truely generous , for he is a slaue to others mens humours , a thing contrary to a true birth , or a true heart . His greatest pride is , that he onely thinkes other men beleeue him : his greatest pleasure that hee can laugh at them in 's sleeue ; and his greatest profit is picking of thankes : hee hath more wit then wisedome , and more garru●… , then grace . He is a great obseruer of mens fancy that hee ma●…●…it his lyre to that tune . All men in the ●…nd hate him , and hee goes out like a snuffe . His Conscience accuses him that hee hath praisd Men more then God , and consequently got praise of neither ; which hath so deiected him , that hee drops off like a greene apple in a great winde , and by his bruse growes rotten at Core , and so cozens the next Costardmonger . 6 An vxorious man , IS one who hath left all the world for a woman , and all women for a thing called a wife , with which idole , he is so effeminately bewitcht , that hee forgets his annuall worship at Ierusulem , and is tied vp with a golden Calfe at home . This Dalilah is his Deuotion , this Ruler his religion , this Eue , the onely edge to his appetite , and he will tast any fruit she tempts him to , ( though sower graps ) This man is neuer his owne man , but in thought , for his actions intended , are either diuerted and writhed by her simple will , or els wholly violated and broken by her supposed wisedome ; He can be no good common wealths man , he is so confinde to her cannopy , nor a good church man , he is so tyde to her cannons , nor a wise man , to be vanquisht with her willfullnes : Hee thinks himselfe as safe in her sauours as Adam in his first forme , and hopes to merit Olympus , by making a Goddesse of Diana ; the which hee is assured by his faith in her faire promises , and his obedience to her sacred Oracles : In fine , hee is good for nothing but to multiply mankinde , and consequently , Sinne , and ( which is fittest for him ) not when he purposeth , but when shee pleseth . He cares for no body but her , nor any body at all for him ; so that he may liue quietly without company , and dye in his owne folly without a funerall . 7. A Country Widdow . IS a broken ribbe of Adam , turned loose into the world againe , and is searching for a new Bonesetter , and newly polishing her selfe for a second edition , or more faire impression . Shee hath lately beene somewhat mortified in memory of her deceased , but hath suddenly gathered vp her crummes , and giuen her selfe out a brace of hundreds more then ere his estate was worth , besides his debts and legacies , wheras her validity proportionable can scarce absolue those . She carrieth her selfe smooth , demute , and familiar , yet at a certaine distance , lest too much familiarity should breed contempt , and then she may cough long enough for one to court her . If shee be young she is capable of copulation , and the sooner caught in that coniunctiue Ceremony ; if past her prime , the more libidinous , subtile , and dangerous , hauing a double wil , the one from her deceased , the other from her widdowhood , by the last of which you may perhaps buy a pigge in a poke ; if shee be wealthy , all your comfort is , she is her owne woman , and not subiect to the auaricious counsell of peeuish parents , who care not though the girle cuckold him , so the carle be scraping . She is an obiect to many , and it 's well if but one light on her . She hath already tasted of Mandraks , and likes the fruits so well , that shee longs to graft more i●…ps vpon that stocke . She is now trim'd vp for the next faire , where if you can bargaine for her , you may ride her home with a twinde thread , and then make the best of an ill bargaine . 8. A Chambermaid , HAth her proper denomination from the Place where s●…e is most conuersant and couchant ( the Chamber ) and is the carefull polisher thereof , the obsequious pinner of her Lady , and the true louer of her Taylor , euer since the curious cutting of her last Wastecoate , who ( with his goose ) hath made such impression in her , that her Ladies Closet is thereby impouerisht , and her Marmelet melted in his mischieuous mouth . The beds and she are a kinde of Relatiues , where by reason of her neere alliance and familiarity , shee catcheth manya fal ( to which she is subiect ) but is seldome hurt by it in regard of their softnesse . Shee is the instrumentall cause of her Ladies Curiosity , and Pride , the originall as also the secret and soft shutter of the Portall , when her Lady would be priuate . Sowing and starching is her prime occupation , and the Close-stoole her greatest slauery . Shee is a creature commonly very courteous , and may proue an honest woman , if she be not puft vp in the place . She is the patient endurer of her Ladies peeuishnesse , which perhaps may purchase her a paire of old silke stockings , which she prouidently layes vp till the next Summer , & then dernes them for the wedding day . Watching and warming of cloathes in a short time wrinckles her , and the blossome once blasted the fruit faileth . The best shee can acquire is but Master of the Maydes , and the worst that can befall her is but footing of Stockings . 9. A broken Citizen , IS one whose hornes are growne so great that hee is asham'd they should be seene , and is therefore glad the Gates a●…e wide enough to giue way to his passage , of which he takes his vale for a certaine season to some finister Sanctuary ; where hee lyes at racke and manger , whilest his too credulous Creditors are gnawing their Thumbes . By his subtill carriage hee wrought himselfe into their Credit , of set purpose , shortly to bee out of their company ; which , with acute language hee hath at last accomplisht ; and now they may go look this Bush-lane needle in a bottle of hay . Hee absents himselfe so cunningly , that they shal not so much as heare of him , till they haue spent their galls , and then by degrees he giues way to their inquiry with a letter from Ireland , or some place farre remote , whilest , ( though disguis'd ) hee is at the next Tauerne to them ; obseruing how like so many Kites they lay wayt for the Chicken in the Wood-pile . Hee hath beene a man of a large tongue , & short haire , which two haue beene great helpes to his game . Hee is a man now so well lyn'd with the coyne acquired by his former impostures , that hee is in a quandary whether to giue them a desired Composition of twelue pence i' th pound , or to abiure the City for euer . His Conscience ( as false as the light he once deceiu'd by ) tells him , they that lost it may spare it , and hee that winnes ought may weare it , whilst hee spends it worse than hee got it , and must certainly pay for it , he knowes not how soone . Hee now discouers the secrets of silly Tradesmen , and l●…ughs at his sleight in his higher Spheare . Hee hath now admitted himselfe amongst the multitude of Man-slayers , and feeds them for feare , and his owne folly for fashion . Milford lane , and Ram-alley are his Castles , Ca●…heerd Captaines , his companions ; Souldiers his ●…onductors ; and Serjeants and Bayliff●… , his perpetuall dreame and Terror ; and in that little ease I 'll leaue him , till hee hath spent that he hath stolne , and then his last Refuge is Ludgate , where his doleful voyce giues more delight than pitty to his repining Creditors . 10. An old Bawd , IS a menstruous beast , engendred of diuers most filthy excrements , by the stench of whose breath the Ayre is so infected , that her presence is an ineuitable contagion , her eyes more poysonous than the Basilisk ; her nose ( if any ) most pestilently pocky , her tongue more subtile than the Hyena , who stil howles in some fained voyce for the deuouring of innocents , one who hath damnably destroyed her own soule , and is diuelli●…hly deuising the destruction of others . Shee is the mother of impudency , the Dungeon of diseases , the daughter of lust , and the most obscene sister of scurrilous and lasciuious delights . An excellent Astronomer , for by the ratling of her bones shee can discouer the alteration of the weather ; Fooles haue fatted her vp to the day of slaughter , and Knaues are ready to cut her throat for it . Marshals , Beadles , and Constables are her continual terrour , whom by much siluer , shee perswades to silence ; silly maids , vntam'd youths , and sullen wiues are her cheefe marchandizes , and she sells sinne on both hands at a high rate . Adulterate beauties , and counterfeit complexions , are her alluring baits to deceiue the simple , and all 's fish that comes to net with her ; All the credite shee hath got by her abomination , is carting without cōmiseration & casting of loathsome things at her defiled Carkasse . Diseases at last dry vp her marrow , and ●…rottennesse so shiuers her , that shee drops asunder on a sudden , and wretchedly dyes without pitty ; for whom , a Christian buriall is too courteous . 11. A Pander , IS the Spaniel of a Bawd , who fetcheth and carrieth at her pleasure , and is the most seruile slaue of basenes . For halfe a crowne he will be your seruant all day , and for the whole cut your throat at night . His lookes are commonly silly and dei●…cted but you will finde his heart deceitfull , and his actions damnable . Hee will fawne vpon those hee feares , and roughly misuse those he can master . He liues at all distances and postures , one while Tapster , or Tobacco seller , otherwise Strumphusle●… ; now brother , then Cozen , sometimes master of the house ; yet all this while , Rogue , Theefe , and Pimpe . Hee is impudency it selfe , for if the officer approcheth , he sweareth and forsweareth , is the case shall require . Hee is much subiect to Kicking ▪ and is often basted , together with his Bawd. He walkes in perpetuall darknesse , and is still in danger of the Watch , and cannot be otherwise than the abortiue issue of some Adulteresse , his nature is so consonant to theirs . He is spu'd out of all honest company , and fostred with none but fornicators . He liues thus till Bridewell hath possest his Bitches , and the Pox possest him . And then with a meagre countenance , and creeping threed-bare Cloke , hee creepes from Bawd to Bawd for a crust to comfort his crazy Carkasse , and at last in his owne ordure , most desperately and distractedly dyes in a ditch , a graue already digged for him . 12. A Countrey Girle or Darling , IS a raw , young , and greene maid , newly arriued at the Hauen of discretion , and yet farre from the Port thereof , one that thinkes more than she speaks , speaks more than she vnderstands , and vnderstands more than shee dares expresse . Shee is prankt vp like a Peacocke by her doting Parents , and is the precious pearle of her mothers Pride , for the Crow thinks his owne bird the fairest , and they thinke their Goose a Swan . She is a babby trimd vp for euery feast and faire , where the Plough-drag salutes her with two kisses , two penny-worth of peares , and a two-penny red ribbon , which hath so rauisht the Girle , that shee gads after him with much greedinesse , and presently puts finger i' th eye for his absence . Shee is very to vardly and tractable , the cause that her father so feares his horse-keeper , lest hee should steale her and his horse together . Shee is one whom no desert can gaine , nor Gentry obtaine , except he can first plough with that Heiffer , and then hee may finde out the Riddle , for she is falne in loue with an Acrestaffe , and longs to handle it . Shee is her fathers hope , and her mothers happinesse , the Paragon of that Progeny , though the coursest in that Countrey . If they dare trust her , she is sent to bee sold at the next Market , together with her Basket of Butter , where at the Crosse her ●…impring will scarce giue her leaue to tell the price on 't . And thus I leaue her still longing for something that her friends like not , and in that onely consists her wisdome , that she will please her fancy sooner than her friends . 13. A Lawyers Clarke , IS a spruce youth somewhat aboue the degree of a Scriuener , much conuersant amongst sheets & skins , Subiects he works vpon much , & is a kind of a Iugler , who by slight of hand , will suddenly make a cleanly conueyance of your estate , that you shall not afterwards need to study how you may prodigally spend it ; and he will so contriue it by president , that he will make you an example whilest you liue . Hee is one who will doe more with a gray Goose wing , than euer Robin Hood could doe , and is very dangerous , if once hee puts his hand too 't . Foure pence a sheet hath furnisht him with a new Suit , and he somtimes executes the place of a Gentleman-vsher vpon his Mistris . Hee is a man generally of no solidity , except by his much costiuenes with continuall sitting , yet a man of great study , insomuch it hath so stupified him , that he lookes for his pen when it stickes in 's ●…are . Littleton is too obscure for his capacity ; and not one amongst forty of them can reade Law French. He is commonly a good fellow , and loues to gaine no more than hee meanes to spend . Hee hath a peece of Iudas his office , ( the Carriage of the Bagge , ) which were it full of Peeces , as it is of Papers , hee might chance to shew his Master a tricke for 't . Hee aspiers sometimes to his Masters daughter , but being stau'd off there , hee choppes vpon the Chambermaid , and there stickes fast . He hath lookt for preferment till age hath dimm'd his eye-sight , and is now endeuouring to goe Clarke of a Band in the next voluntary Voyage ; which if hee speed , the Leagre so belouzeth him , that hee returneth with much Humility , and poorely prostrates himselfe for a halfe-penny a sheet . He is a meere Clarke without any other quality , and hath seldome any commendation , but hee writes a faire hand . 14. A Carle , or Farmer Tenant , IS a kinde of a Mole , perpetually deluing in the Earth for his dinner ; and is of as great iudgement as Aesops Cocke , esteeming his corne more then precious stones . He is a fellow of a very great stomacke , which his Landlord can quaile , sooner then his poore dinner pacifie . And is somewhat of the nature of a Hogge , looking still downward wh●…st hee chawes and gathers the Acornes , not knowing the Tree whence they fell : and seldome looks vp , but for a shower . He is the wretched Modell of our forefathers misery , and that which was Adams curse , is his calling ▪ Sorrow , the sweat of his face , and a barren field , are ▪ his wrackt rents and reuenewes , and a griping Landlord his intollerable griefe . Yet hee riseth early with the Larke , and whistles ( as hee thinkes ) to the tune shee sings , when his broken notes demonstrate nothing but Musicke for a horse , and according to that whistle is his singing of Psalmes ( the cause of so much discord in the Countrey Quire. ) When hee tils the Earth , he tallowes it with his owne grease , and endures it the better for the dunging of his ground . His haruest is his greatest happines , which is more welcome to him then the Sabbath , and in reaping time hee wisheth none , lest he should loose more in that one day , then get in the other sixe : for though he acknowledgeth godlinesse to be great gaine , yet his greatest is his graine . He is the soyle on which all Citizens and Idle folke feede , the very drudge and doghorse of the world , one that dares not eate the fruit of his labour lest his rent should fall short , and he be turn'd forth of his toylesome Vineyard . His hands are his lands , his pleasures reall paines , his Crops carking Cares ; his food , the bread o●… sorrow , his cloathes the skinnes of his outworne Cattell , and taglocks of his trauell his whole life a continuall toyle , and his worke an endlesse ▪ warfare . His greatest comfort is his lawfull Calling , and his moyling in the Earth , a meanes of his mortification . Euery Clodde he turnes ouer is the emb●…me of his misery . And his Colter and ●…hare the emblemes of his Graue , the which hee is alwayes digging . 15. A double benefic't Parson , IS a Master of Arts or Crafts , who by fauour and coyne , hath caught a degree a yeere too soone , and now lyes for all the liuings he can lay hold of . Hee hath already rung his Bels for two Parsonages , and not sufficiently prefer'd by those , is putting in for a Prebend or two to make himselfe more compleat in his Taffeta Tippet , and more curious Cassacke . Simony and he are Correlatiues , and that which hee obtaines by Simony , he retaines by Subtilty . His Degrees giue him a Doctor ( tho a very dunce ) and his deuice is now for the next Deanery , to which Musicke , money must be the Master of the Organs , if hee meanes to sing in that Quire. Hee hath two Pulpits and one Sermon , which he preacheth at both his Parishes at his primer induction , and then a couple of silly Curates read out the rest of his Incumbency for the twentieth part of his Parsonages . Hee is one who hath the cure of others soules , and yet ( by his account ) cares not for his owne ; and ( the more 's the pitty ) is clad with the fleece , without feeding the flocke . His Pulpets and he are so falne out , that they bate one another , and 't were no matter if he had falne out of them long agoe . His greatest study is how hee may wracke his Tythes to a higher Rate , and then feed at ease like a Boare in a Frank. He 's very fearefull of another Parliament , lest one of his Liuings should fall short of his reckoning . He hath fisht ●…ill hee hath fild his bagge , then sits downe to fil's belly , and lends little or naught to the distressed . Hee is one whom God hath falne out with for his too little teaching , and his Neighbours for too much Tything : He will sooner conuert the Gleabe into a pasture then a soule to his Master , & is of this opinion , that if hee hires one , his duty is perform'd . He is the cause●… of so many poore Schollers , and his ouer ▪ bidding , the debarring of the●… gifts , or forestaller of their Markets : And yet he is so 〈◊〉 inclin'd , that hee curseth 〈◊〉 Laity who possesse impropri●…tions , and is now grown so sat with pleasure & pride , that nothing will satisfie him but a Bishopricke , or a Graue ; in the last of which , he is daily wisht , that some man of more deserts , might climbe to that place hee so seldome came neere , ( the Pulpit . ) 16. A young Schoolmaster , IS a new Commenc'd Bachelour , who hath suckt so long at the paps of his Nurse , ( the Vniuersity ) that shee hath almost pin'd him : and therefore his fortunes denying him the degree of Master , in a resolution leaues his Nurse to rocke the Cradle her selfe , and boldly aduentures into the broad world , ( like a Lapwing with it's shell o' th Crowne ) with Lilly in 's head , and Ramus in 's hand , where in some ▪ small Village hee first excrciseth the Art of a Pedagogue , for instruction of infants . Two pence a week , by the Rurals , is proffered him at his first entrance , for the literature of little Primmer Boyes , and foure pence a weeke for Accidences , besides his Sundayes dinner , by turne , together with the plaine gifts of some of their plainer mothers ; by the which , hee atchieueth to the annuall Pension of ten pound Sterling . He is one still exercising the rod of correction , and the greatest part of his Reuenue , is the fees of tender mothers for sparing his rod , and hating their Children . He doth all things in order , for hee hath now taken orders , and beginnes to peepe into a Pulpit ▪ with a pocket-Sermon ; and as that takes , is either animated or discourag'd , to proceed to a Vicarage . Hee is one commonly of more desert than respect , and often , for his good parts , surpasseth their lazy Parson . If he scapes a Free-Schoole , he may light vpon a Free holders daughter , and her loue may procure him a Library . A Lecture read to her may enlarge his Patrimony , and a licence confirme . Hope and patience are his props , and his perswasion is still , that the seuen Liberall Sciences wil notsee him want . A Free-Schoole Lecture or Vicarage is his next ayme , and if all these faile , A Scholler , by his industry , may soone bee fit for any thing . 17. A Countrey Alewise , IS a subtill Creature , who seeming to bee clad with simplicity , and to be as plain as her poorer Petticote , by her short Courtsies and rurall carriage , will draw till both you and her Barrell be both dry together ; and may be term'd the Water-worke of iniquity , or the Vnctious Engine of sophisticate and adulterate Ale. Tossing of Iugs , Pots , and Cans are her ioy , and the froth the best part of her gaine . The Assise of bread and beare is as hateful to her as a Promoter , and yet all is not well except he be in with her ; and ( which is worse ) she is forced to make the Disners drunke once a month to conceale her cunning . Shee is the Receptacle for all commers , and whatsoeuer be the company , their coyne shall bee alike to her . Her Purse fils as their bellies , but empties not so soone , for it seldome exonerats its selfe till the Maulster appeares , and then farwell forty-pence . Misreckoning and shee are sworne sisters , and her owne daughter is forc'd to lie for 't . Drunkennesse and quarrellings are her daily ▪ guests , and mischiefs , oft-times , the murtherer of her signe ; and then the barrels are ill entreated for their so liberall contribution . Forlorn swaggerers are her greatest sorrow , for they 'll score against her will , and then wip't out with a wet singer . Shee hath fill'd her Purse by forfeiting her Recognizance , ( which the Clarke of the Peace will empty with his ●…ees . ) As Drunkards encrease , so doth her Tipping ; and the Tap and she are tost vp together . She loues Tinkers and Ped●…ers for their true payment ●…f her , and hates nothing more than a Puritan , or a Parson that perswades from drinking . Shee is annually forced to purchase a new licence , that her launted liquor may runne more warrantable . Oathes , Idlenesse , and infinite absurdities are begotten and fostered at her Alebench , and poore Ale-knights wiues and children doe perpetually curse her . 18. An Aldermans daughter , IS the peeuish Spawne of a peremptory Citizen ; now ready at the point of preferment , and is highted vp for that purpose , and is the purer mettle of the miser her father ; who , not long since , descended from the loynes of some lubbardly Farmer , and is now by giddy fortune surd all ouer , and in the vanity of his spirit lookes asconce if you misse the title of Master Alderman . This Peacocke , his daughter , is one of the painted Pageans of the City , who dares not look vpon her splea foot for crushing the sets of her Ruffe with her Chinne , and weares her coat the longer to conceale them , yet ( such is her pride ) cannot forbeare the holding them vp for her silk stockings sake . She is grown to that height , that she scornes to know her fathers courser kindred ; nay more , longs so for honour , ( the Idoll of fooles ) that she disdaines a bird of her owne feather ( a Cockney ) though a foolish Knight ; and ambitiously ( through the conception of her coyne ) aspires to the Court , and thinks a Lord little enough for her . And though she be crooked both in mind and body , yet confidently mainetaines , that Gold makes all things strait , for which she knowes her father hath not str●…tch'd his Conscience in vaine . She is the prettiest . Parrat her mother h●…h hatoh'd , and in her discourse ( which is neuer solid ) will speake non-sense with much celerity ▪ and wil passe by it without blushing , or notice of it . She with the French-hood her mother , doe pace with much pompe and equipage to the Spittle , to the Rehearsall Sermons , where she retaines only two senses , a wandring eye , and a liquorish Pallate ; seeing of strange obiects , and tasting of sweet-meats , with which , ●…er pu●…'d handkerche is repleat . Her mind is much set vpon Court Masques , the cause of her sleighting the City , where sometimes shee hath participated of such curious Cates , that the pleasure of thē will not yet out of her Pallate , which makes her in pensiue sort sollicite her parents to giue her her owne choyce ; and howeuer , shee will be a Lady , though shee lose all for 't . If her mother once call her Madam , she is made for euer , for it is the heighth of her-ambition to bee the top of her kindred , lest her betters should take place of her . Her Title , and Attire are her onely Idols , with which she is hurried in a Coach with six horses , to the heighth of her pride , ( which must haue a fall ) and then perhaps she may be left with a Litter . 19. A Prodigall , IS a profuse fellow puft vp with affectation , and nusled in the same by vaineglory ( the finall end his smaller wit and thinner skull aymes at ) towards which all his vntoward actions tend . Hee deemes all his equals , his inferiours , especially those he most accompanies , amongst which hee thinkes himselfe the best man for paying all the reckoning , which they incontinētly without grudging grant him , lest their very offer should prouoke him to indignation , at least to oaths , to which he is very apt . He is neuer in loue with mony but when he wants it , and when he hath it , he sleights it . He is one of a very yeelding nature , insomuch , that if you praise ought of his that he affects , he presently bestowes it on you , scorning to be so base as to stand a begging . Nothing troubles his soule so much as to be last in a new fashion , or the least in company when hee is so accoutred . His carriage is very courteous , yet somewhat quil●…ed with singularity ( the secret pride of Prodigals , ) fooles are his admirers , and knaues his soothers , whilst hee forgets himselfe to remember them , and neuer thinks of shutting the stable-doore till the steed be stolne . His greatest bragge is , hee hates co●…etousnesse , not dreaming how in the meane time he imbraceth the contrary extreame vice . Hee spends with such confusion , that his supposed friends and associates doe willingly forget his Courtesies , and is of such sublimity of spirit , that he neuer lookes so low as hogs , til he eats husks with them , and then the Trough proues his Touchstone . All men behold him with an ( alas ! t is pitty ) whilst few or none supply his pouerty which pursues him like an armed man. He is at last o'retane like a Butterfly in a storm , & left by all those that seem'd to loue him , and ( me thinks ) in anguish of Spirit ●… heare him crosse the Proueth and say , Better is a penny in one's purse , than a Courtly friend . 20. An Vsurer , IS an old Fox clad in a lambskinne , who hath preyd so long abroad , that hee hath feather'd his nest for his time , and now sits close in his Denne , and feedes securely vpon his former stealths . And though the Prouerbe saith , Ill gotten goods neuer prosper , yet it tailes with him , for his golden tree florisheth and croppe increaseth what weather soeuer comes . And if old Time lends him but yeeres and dayes still , hee cares not , though hee giue time to others , as if he had it to spare . Gold and siluer are his Idols or Images , which he hides as close as Rachel did her fathers ; he keepes them prisoners vnder locke and key , till Bils and Bonds giue security for their safe returne , with another petty impersonall Idoll , cald Interest . His greatest mistery is the particular knowledge of each petitioners estate , who solicite him for money , which by secret intelligence hee knew better sometimes then the borrowers themselues , which if hee feares , hee fals off till they finde security to fill vp his mouth . His perpetuall meditation is vpon the future dayes of payment , which he punctually obserues , hoping the missing of a day may make a forfeiture , and hauing law for 't , let conscience goe to the diuel . He is grown very subtill in his trade , prying into the possessions of young heires , whose parents by debts and legacies haue impouerisht , & if he can but catch them in a Calfe-skin , he is cocke-sure ; for by such mortgages , his mony so eats , that thereby hee soone atchieues Fee-simple , for by many such Calfe-skins , he is able to cloathe himselfe in Sables . He seldome furnisheth men at the first entreaty , though the security be sufficient , but will procrastinate you for a weeks intermission , pretending in the meane time to borrow it for you ; which borrowing , attracts Brokage ( the yonger brat of Vsury . In his trade aboue all others , you must both pray and pay , and yet nere haue thankes for your custome : commonly hee dares scarce eate of his abundance for diminishing the stocke ; and but for cold , would goe naked , to saue cost : his very habit wil discouer him from top to toe , and his leaner chaps , his pinched carkasse . He is still counting his chickins before they are hatcht , whilst his owne day of account befals him vnawares . Hee neuer sang the fifteenth Psalme with a true heart , which troubles his conscience on his death-bed , and may iustly make him feare hee hath lost more Treasure then ere he traded for . 21. A Broker , IS a forlorne , or Bankrupt Tradesman , who hath diued into diuers sorts of mercatory deceits , and findes none so sweete as this mischieuous mystery of Brokery , ( the blacke Art of dishonesty . ) Hee is the receptacle for Theeuery , and a vent for much Villany . There is a reciprocall kindnesse betwixt him and a Rogue , and wer 't not for filshing , his Trade would faile . Rather than not be trading , hee will descend to petty Larceny , or any knauery to gaine a penny . Pawns are his perpetuall practice , for which ( of what kind soeuer ) hee neuer lends aboue halfe the value , setting a peremptory day for their redemption , with six pence for the bill , and interest treble the Statute in the hundred , vpon their redemption , which he seldome feares , for hee knowes the parties to be no such pay-masters . Hee workes much vpon Pouerty and necessity , and by his vnlawfull interest , oft-times eates out the price of that they were full sorry to part with . He confidently walkes by his old remnants , for all commers , sitting at the receit of all ill Custome . Coozeners are a great part of his Customers , and Cut-purses his Coadiut●…rs . His chiefest knauery is the alteration of the property , that the discription of the deceiued , may not find out the deceit . Hee is a backe friend to the Citty , the scum of Tradesmen , a sosterer of Theft , and a palpable staine of the Suburbs . Long-lane , & London-wall may yet embrace him , ( to the great wrong of Newgate ) ●…ll some further Law reforme it , for the Receiuer is as bad as the Theefe , and the enticing cause of stealth , of which many accuse him ; and if he be so impudent as to deny it , Tiburne may shortly proue it , which dispatcheth many more deseruing . 22. A Thraso or Braggadotia , IS a boysterous fellow in a Buffe-Coat , swelling like ●…olus , in windy words , whose tongue is still applauding himselfe , and detracting from others ; and by grim lookes and sterne language idolizeth his owne igno minious actions . One that makes all his frayes with his vnctious Tongue , and then is forc'd sometimes ( vn willingly ) to maintaine and defend them by his timerous hands , or to auoid them by her treacherous feet . His valor is daring and affrighting words , which hee foameth out with such a forced fury , that you would thinke him in earnest , and so hee would be , saue that his heart giues his tongue the lye , which it as obediently puts vp , as hee will your blowes ; for hold but his fained Choller vp to its feeble height , and begin but where hee ends , and hee 'll quake like an Asp●…n leafe , or grow so flegmaticke and coole , that ●…e will take your kickes for courtesies , and your corrections , for good mis-constructions , yet by this rough way hee often carries the conquest amongst Cowards , whose smallest satisfaction , vpon any cause of duell , he suddenly entertains with inward ioy , lest persisting in his peremptorinesse , he should force them but to offer defence , of which he is is very fearefull . And if contrary to his intent , hee chanceth by his austerity , to incurre a quarrell ( of which he is very cautelous ) it 's enough to put him into a quartaine ague , and his temerity is suddenly turn'd to timidity ▪ That little valour which hee hath , I must needs confesse is true , because it 's link'd with discretion ; for , I 'le warrant you , hee 'll strike none ●…ut those he knowes will not resist : hee is a Schoole-boy well learnt in this , that hee knows who he can master . In briefe , he is one that would be valiant , but for beating ; and being beaten , esteemes himselfe the better man , in that hee aduentur'd it . And may be compar'd to a Tempest , that blusters a while , and is suddenly silent ; or to a blazing Candle , that flutters till it extinguisheth , and then stands there stinking . 23. A Sempster Shopkeeper , IS a feminine Creature , furnisht with the finest Ware , making her greatest gaine of Sindon , or fine linnen ; transforming it into seuerall shapes for that purpose , and may bee call'd the Needle-worke purle of prettinesse . Shee is very neatly spruc'd vp , and placed in the frontispice of her shop , of purpose , ( by her curious habit ) to allure some Custome , which still encraseth and decreaseth as her beauty is in the full , or the wane . Shee hath a pretty faculty in presenting herselfe to the view of Passengers , by her roling eyes , glancing through the hangings of Tiffany and Cobweb-lawne , that the Trauellers are suddenly surprized , and cannot but looke backe , though but to view babbies in her face , and in affection to her comelinesse , must needs cheapen her commodity , where they are wrapt into a bargaine by her beauty , and doe kisse the Nurse for the childs sake , which shee kindely accepts , and desires them as they like that , she may haue more of their Custome . In her trade ●…ee is much troubled with stitches ; amongst which , backe-stitch is the most ordinary , easie , and pleasant to her ; and if you cannot bargaine for her Ruffes in her ●…op , shee will fit you with ch●…ce at your Chamber , so you pa●… her well for her paines : She is well acquainted with hemming too , which sometimes makes her leaue her Needle to drinke a cup of Canary , to breake her stitch ; nor is shee ignorant of Cutworke and Pursewo●…k but hath her particular patt●…rnes for them too . Her smile , in asking what you lacke , will force you to want somewhat ( though but a paire of sockes ) and by your buying of them , shee may draw you to a shirt , and warm it for you too the next morning . She is the patterne of cleanlinesse , the Barbary Button of brauery , an Exchanger or Citty Barterer , who cannot want custome so long as her ware 's good . She loues not those that lye naked to saue linnen , and hopes to grow fat by coyning new fashions . And thus I leaue her stitching till her thread be cut , that some younger of her faculty may trade in her turne . 24. A Prostitute or Common Wh●…re , IS a Creature in the forme and shape of our mother Eue , but of farre more impudency , for as Eue desired to hide her nakednesse , this couets to discouer it , making a Trade of lust , and a pastime of incontinence . A painted ●…esabell peeping out at her polluted windowes , with a nod or beckon to allure the simple ; and shamelesly saluting those she ne're saw ; and may be compar'd to a Iakes , which euery rogue vseth for necessity , and then abhorres it . She is the very Compendium and abstract of al basenesse , nor is there any abomination to which she is vnapt . She is hell it selfe whilst she liues vpon earth , and her fire burnes as hot as Etna ; to whose flames none can approach without either scorching or consuming . And , ( which is inexcusable and inexpiable ) she makes a calling of accursed Copulation , and iustifies it lawfull for her liuelihood . Shee is both menstruous and mercenary : Lust and Murther are her professions , and she cares not who knowes it . Her veynes are fill'd with seuerall sorts of poysons , which swell till they burst out into some loathsome excrement ; and then , all that know her , hate her ; and all that lusted after her , now loath her . As shee is an actor of any mischiefe , so , at last , shee becomes the Embleme of most extreme misery , who with halfe a nose , and one eye , is making her fa●…all end , and is happy if her torment end here . 25. An ordinary Gamester , IS one that hath vsed many tricks and deuices to picke vp a base liuing , but finds no deceit so faire , quaint ▪ and gentil●…'as this slight o●… hand , this nimble god Mercury , this cunning trip of a Dye . Hee is neuer idle , nor euer well imployed , for he is still thinking , plotting , and deuising to find out some foole to coozen . He is more couetous than any Vsurer , for he desires but his principal with certaine interest , but this Youth cries , Haue at all ; and is perpetually shuffling and cutting for aduantage . He is somewhat too prodigall of other mens purses , especially in his habit ▪ which is commonly nea●… , if not braue and gallant ; for his cloathes are his greatest stocke , of which he ought to ●…aue foure sui●…s , two to weare , and two to pawne . The first makes him fit for his betters society ; the second , for supply to his game , if he chāce to be spent : yet hee is very seldome b●… on the gaining hand , especially when hee me●…ts with some profuse yong Pre●…tice , or some yo●…g Innes a Court Man that hath lately receiued his quarteridge , for by these deuices hee diues into the pockets of the dissolute , and as he gets it from fooles , so he spends it on Queanes . Cursing , swearing , and quarrellings , are his Nocturnall attendants , which arise from Choller , and the losse of Coyne , mixed with want of sleepe . Hee preposterously alters the course of Nature , as he alters the Cards ; sleeps all day , and playes all night , onely hee will spare some time to eat and drinke drunk vpon a lucky hand , so that he hath no leasure to pray , except to blind fortune . He neuer thinks on his sinnes , till he hath lost all his substance , and then ( if he hath but grace a little to pause on them ) they flocke so fast from his memory to his mind , that hee cannot endure their grim looks , and therfore chops them and his Dice together into his Box , and cries , Hang sorrow , care will kill a Cat. He is one that seldome thriues in his By-path to his end , but his goddesse Fortune , at last , playes the whore with him , and leaues himin his greatest extremity : And when hee hath neither to pawne ▪ nor ●…ll , hee is forc'd to borrow twelue pence to pay for his Ordinary , and sometimes lyes a weeke together at the mercy of the Ordinary . Hée ebbes and flowes as the tyde , and nothing makeshim hope any good of himselfe , but his daily change , which perhaps may put him in mind of his last , that death may not catch him dicing , at hazzard , no●… Time ( whom he hath much abused ) in fury breake his houre glasse , and so iustly by Catastrophe coozen him without care , that hath cheated so many without ▪ Conscience . 26. An Host , IS most commonly a Corpulent fellow , so puft vp with the vnctious Element of Ale , that his wicket is not wide enough for his passage , and therefore his gates are daily open , lest they should preiudice his guts . His chiefest liuelihood is by the commings in of others , and not of his owne . He is as greedy of Guests , as the Diuell of soules , and as loath to part with them ; which makes him so often goe gaping to the Gate , with a Tapster or Oastler in 's mouth , gaping for new guests . His thread-bare Salutation is alwayes welcome Gentlemen , which very words doe winde in the Tapster , and consequently a frothy lugge ; and it 's ten to one , but ere you haue ended that , hee is entred into some strange tale , perhaps collected out of his last nights dreame , and as true too , for herein consists his best faculty , in ministring cause of mirth and newes to his weary and welcome Trauellers , ( things to which he knowes mans Nature is much addicted , ) for he reads more men than Bookes , and should be wise , but that his head 's too little for his body : yet if he catch your horse in arrerages , you 'll find him cunning enough , for hee 'll raise his Crest so hye , that he 'll make the doore too little for him . He is a great husband in his drinking , for hee is neuer drunk at his own cost , which makes my Ostesse beare with the bestowers the better , and perhaps may require them with a nights lodging for 't in a time of need . He cannot subsist without company , tho ●…e be Cuckold for 't , and is neuer melancholly but when Gallants passe by his gates without tarrying , or tarry till he is forc'd to trust them ; and then he mournes i' th Chine for a moneth after . His greatest trouble is , that Physicians tell him , hee is subiect to the Dropsie , which he will not beleeue til he sees it , and then hee and his purse are purged together of some of their sinister and superfluous gaine . Drunkennesse and Gluttony are his best guests , of which hee is both entertainer & partaker ; & grows fat by profusenes , & rich by riotous reuellings ; which tho it somtimes disturbs the peace of his little common-wealth , yet the payment of the reckoning workes his pacification , with an ( all 's well that ends well . ) His trade cannot faile so long as men haue mouthes and mony , which he knowes will be till both his lease and hee expire . He is a man of little or no faith , the cause hee doubts his saluation , yet bezils vp and downe , till hee waddles into his winding-sheet , and then goes a iourny he knowes not whether ; and it is wel for him , if at the end of his trauell , hee findes an Inne not worse than his owne . 27. A Common Drunkard , IS a reasonable beast , and a sensitiue man : a strange Monster , halfe man , halfe beast , swimming in the Ocean of Bacchus , and like the Whale belching and foming out of his mouth and nostrils abundance of that frothy and vnsauoury Element he so lately ingurgitated and swallowed , to the amazement of those smaller fishes that flocke together about him , and is drowned in his owne orbe . One whose essential parts are so obscured ▪ his sense so dulled , his eyes so dazeled , his face so distorted , his Countenance so deformed , his ●…oynts so enfeebled , and his whole body and minde so transformed , that hee is become the childe of folly , the derision of the world , and is led like the Oxe to the slaughter , as his owne executioner ; yet in all this , his head beares the greater sway , and his feet are not swift to do mischiefe . Hi ▪ belly is his god , the which hee ouer-cloyes with drink-offerings , and he is alwayes indebted to my Os●…esse , and his belly to him , but he neuer to that , so long as his Purse , Credit , or shame can make euen with it . He is one that either spues himselfe out , or giues occasion to be spurnd out of all ciuill Company . Apt to any thing he can stand to execute , ( except Vertue ) a meere stranger to him . Noddy is his vsuall game , and for Ale too ; till hee growes so stupified , that he nods his No●…e vpon the Noddy b●…ord , and in reuenge strikes his opposite for the wrong offered , and there the game ends , and fray begins , and then cals for drinke to drinke himselfe friends with them , which friendly cup giues occasion of a second quarrell . Hee is the Mault-worme of the Common-wealth , that suckes in the ioyce of the poore laborer , and leaues his owne family so dry , that they are either parch't with famine , or burnt with thirst . In briefe , hee is the off ▪ scumme of the kingdome , and fit for nought but to set in the front of some vaine and voluntary voyage , lest he should ●…unne away in the Rere , and rob his owne parish for euer after . 28. An Elder Brother , IS oft-times the heire of Fortune , and folly , both together , and will still maintaine the Prouerbe , Fortuna fauet Fatuos : and as hee is heire , so is he often executor to his fathers ill-husbandry , which somtimes gripes him so , that it grindes his estate into a smaller quantity , to the diminishing of the Mannor , with the appurtenances . Hee is so incumbred with such a Letany of Legacies for the smaller Infants , that his wit is almost confounded with the very Catalogue of their names , if not wholly distracted in the discharge of their portions ; for his braine generally is but shallow , and consequently is soone empty , & as soone runs ouer . He is not giuen to trauell ( the Ambition of sharper wits ) for he is in perpetuall trauell at home , whose staidnesse his Low-Country brother takes aduantage of , by strong stratagems and designes of war , till ( besides his legacy ) hee hath angled himselfe into coyne enough to purchase him a Company , which hee dissolues into Dutch Ale , and dries it vp with more dul Tobacco . His Lady with her Coach , haue run themselues out of their way , her out of wits , and him out of his money , to vpold her fancy , and the new fashion both together , till the Mercer for his money gathers into his estate by morgage ; which , he is as wel able to redeeme , as to build Pauls , or rule his wife . His Ambition is still to raise his house , though he sels his land , and liue vpon the lease at the rate of the Purchase . Hee sometimes hath wit or wealth enough to bee made a Iustice for the Peace , where his lookes bewray his learning , and hee neuer speakes but to some or no purpose . The Fates in Mercy made such for the releefe of younger Mercuries ; and they make the best liuing and worst vse on 't . And thus I leaue him , that often leaues many behinde him to the Tyranny of Fortune , whilest hee is studying his Pedigree . 29. A yong Innes a Court Gentleman . IS an Infant , newly crept from the Cradle of learning , to the Court of liberty , from logicke to law ( both grounded on reason ) from his Tutor to the Touchstone of wits , where he is now admitted amongst the braue imps of the kingdome , to grow Pillars of their Countrey . Hee is his owne man now , and left to the view of faire vertue , and foule vice , the last of which layes ●…iege to his tender Walls , and often makes a shrewd Battery , if not quite scales it . He is one that for the most part forgets his errand , and studies Poetry instead of Perkins . His greatest care now , is how to carry himselfe according to the dancing Art , and holds it a greater disgrace to be Nonsuit with a Lady , than Nonplus in the Law. He tramples vpon the Termes oft , and holds it a base language , about which to busie his more high and transcendent thoghts . When hee aspires once to be a Reueller , he then reueales himselfe to the full , and when he should bee mooting in the Hall , he is perhaps mounting in the Chamber , as if his father had onely sent him to Cut Capers , and turne in the Ayre till his braines bee adled , and makes things meerely for ornament , matters of speciall vse . His Recreations and loose expence of time , are his only studies ( as Plaies , Dancing , Fencing , Tauerns , Tobacco , ) and Dalliance , ( which if it be with Time , is irreuocable ) and are the alluring baits of ill disposed extrauagants . He is roaring when hee should be reading , and feasting when he should be fasting , for his Friday-night supper doth vsually equalize his weekely Commons , and it 's to bee scared , he will exceed two meales in the weeke besides , with lac't Mutton , for whosoe're payes for his Commons , hee 'll fall aboord . He is a youth very apt to bee wrought vpon at his first entrance , and there are Fishers of purpose for such young fry . He atchiues much experience before he arriues at the Barre , and then ( if euer ) begins to study , when ( for his time ) he should begin to plead . Amorous Sonnets , warbled to the Vyall , are his Coelestiall Harmony , and if you put a Case betweene , you make a great discord . Hee loues sense better than reason , and consequently not so fit to make a Lawyer . Wherefore I could wish his friends to cause him to retire , before hee bee too farre spent , and to marry him before he be starke mad , or a worse mischeefe ( if possible ) befall him . 30. A Low-Countrey Common Souldier , IS an idle fellow , as weary of his owne Country , as that is of him , and lest hee should be prest some worser Voyage , goes voluntary thither to auoyd it . One that hath tired al his friends here , and is now transported thither to trouble the Boares there , where hee is now admitted amongst a multitude of mischieuous fellowes , to learne all his postures ; the first of which , is to double his Dutch Canne till his Tongue doubles betweene his teeth , and then to fall out till hee bee beaten into a stomacke . And when that small quantity of coyne hee carried with him , is exhausted , hee simply settles himselfe to foure shillings for eight dayes , which he pol●…tikely powres down his gullet in a day , and then liues by Virginian vapour a weeke after , till his stomacke so wambles , that hee is forc'd to lumber his vpper garment to supply his guts , reseruing still the Embleme of a Souldier ( his Sword ) and a Plimmouth cloake , otherwise call'd a B●…ttoone . By this time hee is well entred , and will madly strike vpon the least occasion , which his Schoole-fellows perceiuing , grow as mild now , as heretofore they were malapert ; and will rather intreat him to drinke away his Choller or belt , than force him to the field . Hee is now growne to that height of valour , that he runs ouer a Dutch Froken , or else fals fowle vpon her , to the endangering of her firkin of Butter , and more solid Cheese , with no small effusion of teares from her fatter Ale-tub . These , with many other postures hee hath atchieued too by Stratagem , and thinkes himselfe a Serjeant Maior in these designes . As for his Pike & Musket he seldome troubles thē , except sometimes vpon meere compulsion to fill vp a Company . Halfe a yeere hath so qualified him , that for want of supply , he begges for a furlow , and then legs with it , till hee arriues at his owne Shore , with two hempteere napkins pind together at his shoulders for a shirt , or else none at all . Thus hauing spent his spirits , he pensiuely creepes home with many creepers about him : where , hauing gathred vp his crums , tels such lowd stories of the leagers he lay in , and discourses so superficially of the discipline of Warre , that hee amazeth some Countrey Traine-Captaine , insomuch that hee courteously takes him to the Alehouse , and giues him a Colours for 't , which he gratefully accepts , and vowes hereafter rather to bee hang'd in his owne Countrey , than to be abus'd by Belgicke Counterbuffes . And though he hath not yet left his swearing , yet he hates lying P●…r deiu abominably . And hath gaind so much wit there , that hee thinkes the name of a Souldier makes a man valiant , rather than valour makes him a Souldier , which hee hath already forsworne . 31. A Gentleman-vsher , IS a spruce fellow , belonging to a gay Lady , whose foot-step , in times of Yore , his Lady followed , for hee went before . But now hee is growne so familiar with her , that they goe arme in arme , the cause sometimes that he slights the Gentlewoman , and yet , vpon better aduice , pleaseth her againe in secret . Hee is a man whose goings and standings ought to bee vpright , except his Lady be crooked , and then ▪ t is no matter though hee stoope a little to please her humour . His greatest vexation is going vpon sleeuelesse arrands , to know whether some Lady slept well last night , or how her Physick work'd i' th morning , things that sauour not well with him ; the reason that oft-times hee goes but to the next Tauerne , and then very discreetly brings her home a tale of a Tubbe . Hee is still forc'd to stand bare , which would vrge him to impatience , but for the hope of being couered , or rather the delight ●…ee takes in shewing his new Crisp't hayre , which his Barber hath caus'd to stand like a print hedge , in equall proportion . He hath one Commendation amongst the rest , ( A neat Caruer ) and will quaintly administer a Trencher in due season . His wages is not much , except his quality exceedes , but his vailes are great ; insomuch that he totally possesseth the Gentlewoman , and commands the Chambermaid to starch him into the bargaine . The smallnesse of his legs bewrayes his profession , and feeds much vpon Veale to encrease his Calfe . His greatest ease i●… hee may lye long in bed , and when hee 's vp , may call for his breakfast , and goe without it . A Twelue-moneth hath almost worne out his habit , which his annuall pension will scarcely supply . Yet if h●…s Lady likes the Carriage of him , shee increaseth his Annuity . And though shee saues it out o' th Kitchin , she 'l fill vp her Closet . 32. A Cuckold , IS a harmlesse horned creature , but they ●…ng not in his eies as your Wittals doe ▪ the reason of his honesty and th' others knauery . He confidently gleans after the reapers , not thinking of stealing , and kindely embraceth the leauings of his neighbors , and is aswell satisfied as if he had the first cut , verifying the old Prouerbe , That the eye sees not , the heart greeues not . Hee is very indulgent to his Spouse , giuing her her own way in al things , lest she should take it ; knowing that women are most apt to forbidden fruit . There is a speciall Sympathy , by instinct , betwixt him and his Co●…uall or Cuckolder , for he alwaies loues him best , his wife likes best ( a speciall token of a patient and true husband . ) Hee neuer greeues at his keeping of other mens children , for hee is very charitable that way ; and ( being f●…d with blinde reale ) loues them aswell as if they were his owne . Hee palpably possesseth his place in his Pew , without the least conceit of pointing at him , and welcomes him to dinner that is i' th dish before him , which his wife passeth by without blushing , praying the Gentleman to be his owne Caruer , whilst the silly man ne're dreames of her intent , after his decease , or his then departure . He liues a very contented lif●… , and is not troubled with Iealousie ( the torment of the mind ) but takes all in good part , so shee bee pleased . Hee spends his time thus till hee becomes one of the Head-broughs of his Parish , and holds his veluet hornes as high as the best of them , he minds his owne affaires more than his wiues actions ; and if he dyes not a Pricket , hee may liue to bee an old Stagge , a very Lordly beast . 33. An Informer , IS a spye or knaue errant , that peepes into the breaches of penall Statutes , not for loue to the Common-wealth , as his owne lucre , amongst which Asissa panis & ceruitiae , th' assize of bread and beere are his greatest Reuenues , for winking at small faults , and coozening the King and Subiects both at once : for though the pretence of his profession be for the fulfilling of the Statutes , yet his Roguish mystery aymes at his owne ends . He transformes himselfe into seuerall shapes to auoyd suspition of Inne-holders , and inwardly ioyes at the sight of a blacke Pot or Iugge , knowing that their sale by sealed quarts , spoyles his Market , and abates his mercinary Coozenage . As he is an ▪ Informer , so hee should be a Reformer , but for his quarterly fees ▪ from Tap-houses , for conniuance ; which fees , are the cause of so much froth in the Tapster , to recouer that againe of which he was cheated . Hee sneakes like a Serieant into euery corner to take aduantage , and drinkes vp mens drinke and makes them pay for it . As hee loues no man , so he is hated of all , and is very neere hell when hee is drunke in the Celler . Hee is the scum of Rascality , and the abuser of the King and his Exchequer both together ; yet he seldome thriues in his impostures , in regard of his greater sharers , whose vassall and slaue hee is . All men behold him with indignation , and point him out knaue in euery Parish , which he willingly puts vp , in hope , one day , to auenge himselfe vpon their purses . His gaine is extortion , which may in time pul both his eares from his head , or dig him a graue vnder the Gallowes , which he hath already deserued . 34. A Bachelour , IS one that carries a great burthen about him , Concupiscence ; to which hee is either giuen ouer , or in perpetuall combate betwixt the flesh and the spirit ; He is neuer quiet in his mind , for he is continually choosing , and commonly as soone dislikes his owne choyce : a great point of folly in him to bee prouok't to any thing either by opinion or purblind Passion . He is one whose honesty cannot shelter him from suspition , and imputation of his next neighbour , by reason of his supposed vigour . Hee dreames away his best time , and sowes his seed in other mens gardens , ( which they reape and are no gainers by it ) whilest hee hath scarce any left to sowe in his owne . Hee thinkes himselfe happy in that hee hath none to care for but himselfe , whilest he cares not at all for his Nobler selfe , his Soule , and dyes without a Vine to his house side , or an Oliue plant to his Table ; so that posterity shall not behold any of his Progeny . Hee courts each handsome obiect , his veines being full of Venus , and his heart of Cupids darts , which in short time so sting him , that happily ere long , he salutes Hymen , and proues an honest man : for the obtaining whereof in his former estate he was farre out of his way , except made an Eunuch , and consequently been hated by the softer Sex for euer after . 35. An Vndershriefe , IS an actiue fellow , begot by the Statute for a yeere , and then his name extinguisheth , though he be sharer in anothers , the next yeere after . Hee is the feare and terror of all debtors , as also the free entertainer of the Creditour , who daily sollicites him with coyne , to be expeditious in his Catching , which hee discreetly entertaines with protestation of performance , whilest a fee on the contrary forceth him to neglect , knowing that thogh delaies proue dangerous , yet all makes for his aduantage in the end . He is the birth , life , and death of the law . The birth is the first processe ; the life the execution , and the death the stopping the breath of the execution ; by giuing notice to those that neuer requite him with nothing . Hee is one subiect to much danger , and ought to haue both wit and valour , the one to defend his purse , the other his carkasse , lest the Exchequer cut the one , and the Countrey Rebel the other . He vnderstands more than the high Sheriffe his Master , and may well , for he buyes his wit of him ( which is euer the best ) and sells it againe at a treble valew , prouing a great gainer , if his Quietus est doth not too much gripe him . He is outwardly respected more for feare than loue , and as little esteemed when hee is out of his office , which will be next Michaelmas Terme , and then you may trade with him for ten groats ( an Attournyes see ) his Collaterall profession . 36. A Drawer . IS one deepely read in the mysteries of the Celler , diuing into the secrets of Hogsheads , and is much conuersant in the mingling of his Ware. Hee is of such celerity , that hee ascends the Staires in a moment , and descends them as suddenly , especially when hee is throwne downe . He is one that trusts all commers ( for he onely cryes score it ) but hee trusts them no further than he sees them , and when their braines and bellies are full , hee lookes they should empty their purses . Hee is subiect to many ill words , which he as patiently beares , as they are like to doe his blowes , if they want the Reckoning . Hee should bee very wise by the continuall sight of so many seuerall humours , and would be so , but for the sumigation of the Celler , which eleuates his wits , and makes them fly so high , that they sometimes catch a fall . He is alwayes a good fellow , and loues a Gentleman , for that hee is sometimes one himselfe . He drinks the best drinke which breeds the best blood , the cause hee commonly loues a Wench , for hee is a man of great trading . I cannot tell whether his Master serues him , or he his Master , but I am sure they cannot wel liue asunder . Hee is now casting about for some Merchants Credite , to set vp for himselfe , that his wife may keepe the Barre , to attract Custome , and he leaue his iourney worke , and become as free to her , as shee may bee to others . 37. A Good Husband , IS a man who steeres all his course in a right line , and weighes all his actions in an equall ballance ; a very good Mathematician , for hee is alwayes within his Compasse , but neuer runs circle so long as to make himselfe giddy . Hee cuts out euery thing into a geometricall proportion to his Rule and est●… ; nor doth his Sense too much ouer-rule his Reason . Hee drinkes onely for thirst , and eats only for hunger , knowing superfluity to be the heyre of prodigality , and liberality the daughter of good husbandry , and medium betwixt two extremes . He is the sole happinesse of a good wife , and the torment o●… a Waster . His children neuer liue to haue cause to curse him , nor his feruants to accuse him for their want of wages . He seriously viewes the folly of Profusenesse , and is inwardly sorry to see the fall of any . He is not so niggardly as to grutch himselfe or his friend a good meale , but tasts freely ( though temperately ) of that God hath lent him , and thinkes himselfe no loser by lending a little to the needy . His moderate diet giues him longer dayes , and his care in his calling frees him frō idlenesse ( the bait of his greatest enemy ) for in doing nothing men learne to doe ill . He loues not stolne waters , ( though ne're so sweet ) but is satisfied with the breasts of his owne bedfellow . Hee educates his children in a Religious way , knowing that Grace cannot want goods . And thus hee passeth his pilgrimage with a peacefull Conscience , and leaues the world with all good mens applause , so that his Name dyes not with his nature . His tything in his life time was so true and conscionable , that the Parson preacheth his Funeral praise , and perhaps giues him gratis his buriall in the Chancell . 38. A Constant man , IS one who hath limitted his Passions , and set certaine bounds to his affections , louing still in his course to hold the bridle firme in his hand , lest carelesly letting the reines loose , hee either stumbles dangerously , or fals very foule . His actions are solid , not phantastike , and he is very wary of promising anything that he either thinks or knowes hee cannot performe ; for hee still casts beyond chance , knowing a possibility , and seeing a probability before hee passeth his protestation . Hee is one that keeps his mind within him , the reason why he thinks and speakes both together , without any iarre betweene his tongue and his heart . His word is as good as his bond , and his conscience the best debtor . His loue ( if possible ) is without lust or iealousie , fixed on vertue , where it stands firme as a rock . Truth hath bound vp his Temp les and discretion hath so knic the knot , that hee seldome makes his choyce so bad as to refuse it , his word so large as to reuoke it , or his time so short as to peece it with delayes at its period . Hee must needs bee very patient too , else his constancy could not continue , for impatiency breaks the fence of hope and stability , and lets in despaire and leuity , a couple of wilde Cattel that may spoyle a wel growne field . The wife that possesseth him is happy , for there is sure hold of his word . Shee findes him at his appointed howre , which debarres her of many fears , and she ne're eats her meat cold , by staying for his comming . Hee hath wealth enough , if he hath but this one Vertue , for all men beleeue him , and dare trust him . Time and experience haue wrought him into euery mans good opinion , and he stands vnmoued in all his dealings . He hates a lyar as a Theefe , and is the greatest friend where he once pro●…esseth . The world is now growne so wilde , that few men are of his minde , and fewer women , the cause of so many Cuckolds , periur'd persons , and dying louers . 39. A iealous man , IS one so strangely and strongly possest with the yellow Iaundis , that he thinks all things of yellow colour , which mistake proceeds from the defect of the eye , not the obiect . He is one whose mind is in a continuall labyri●…th , the further it goes , the further perplexed ; the more it looks , the more tormented , and yet sees nothing but by imagination , which foolish fancy lyes so heauy in his forehead , that he takes it for a horne , though it bee but a pimple i' th' flesh . Hee consumes ▪ himselfe and his wiues reputation both together , by his too oftē cause les suspitiō , and thinks a kisse ( tho before him ) a sufficient cause of diuorce . He is the scoffe of his neighbors , and the bait that causeth many to nibble in iest , that hee might vex in good earnest . He commonly dreames of his wife though neuer so broad awake , and would keepe her in a Chest but for feare of picking the locke , which sets the greater edge to her appetite , and the greater madnesse to his misbeleafe . His braines are in perpetuall agitation , and in his phantasie ( being a kind of frenzy ) sees so many loose passages in her , and lasciuious embraces by his supposed Corriuals , that hee 's starke mad at last with melancholy musing . He liues in hell vpon earth , and is so besotted , that he cannot see when hee is well . Hee is so farre gone in his disease , that all Physicians haue giuen him ouer , knowing there is but one medicine ( amongst all ) to cure him of this malady ; which is , to see that really acted which hee so sted fastly supposed ; which ( no doubt ) will shortly bee effected , to the full recouery of the Coxcombe , and the manifestation of his error in 's forehead , ( an ornament fit for him . ) 40. A desperate man , IS one who hath forgot , God , the world , the Diuel ▪ his Neighbor and himselfe , and runs with precipitation into any danger . All his actions are violent , and therefore cannot bee permanent . He is a man of no faith at all , the reason he can apprehend no mercy from his maker , but all Iustice. He still goes with Cain's feare about him , that euery man will kill him , whilst hee himselfe makes a trade of murthering ; not fearce touch't for 't till his fatall , and then it fals so heauy , 〈◊〉 he cannot beare it . He is a man of no staidnesse , for he leaues a Rocke to build vpon the Sand. Some thinner sculs thinke him valiant , because he dares stab , or doe any sudden mischiefe : but the Schooles deny it , approuing valour to bee mixt with discretion ( which a desperate man altogether wants , ) besides , valour is a vertue springing from fortitude , but rashnesse a vice arising from passion . He is one no way fit for any place , either in Church or Common-weale , for he that cannot guide himselfe , is most vnfit to gouerne others . Hee is a man of small or no hope , for hee is left to himselfe , and then scarce a man. Hee doth all things without premeditation , the reason why so many disasters attend the end of his actions , which hee commonly feeles before he sees . All that know him shun his society , not so much for feare of him , as the law , knowing that his fury will force them to some further inconuenience . Hee is setled and vested in this villany , and takes a pride to be talked of for his treachery , and is still glorying in his owne shame . New-gate or a worse place , wil shortly take possession of him , if he mend not his manners , for a gracelesse man is good for nought but a gallowes . FINIS . 〈◊〉 . A true friend , IS a Fountaine that cannot bee drawne dry , but alwayes affords some fresh and sweet waters to him , whose necessities and extremities enforce him to fetch it . Hee is a mans second selfe , as deere as a good wife , more deere than a brother , else the wisest King had beene mistaken : but our times iustifie his Prouerbe true , which hee knew before . He is Solamen in miserijs , a Copartner in distresses with you , and inwardly ( not fainedly ) beare halfe the burthen . Loue and amity hath so knit him to you , that 't is a question whether you be two or one , reciprocally answering each other in affection , and are equally sensible of each others defects or disturbances . Hee is no Meteor or Comet , no nine dayes wonder , or wandring Planet , but a fixed Starre , by whose operatiue influence , his needy is nourished . For hee is not compos'd of words , but actions , alwayes ready at a dead lift , to draw Dun out of the myre . Not onely a bare Counsellor to goodnesse , and so leaue you without meanes of prosecution ( the niggardly wisedome of these times ) but an assister in the way , and goes on the first mile with you for company , and lookes after you in the rest of your iourney , if he doth not trauell throughout the same . Hee neuer aymes , at any of his owne ends in doing courtesies , but doth them freely and quickly ; not drow●…ding his good deeds in the dull performance ; for , Qui citò dat , bis dat ; He that giues timely , giues twice ▪ He 's a certaine perpetuity ▪ that cannot be lost by non-payment of Rent , and ought to bee loued aboue fee ▪ simple . He is the pillar of constancy , & the very touchstone of Truth . One that lookes vpon men with the eye of Religion , and is not ●…ounded in the eare with worldly applause for it . Hypocrisie and vaine-glory are as farre from his heart , as the contrary Poles are from each other , for his right hand shall not know what his left hand doth . Hee is ( in these iron dayes ) Rara auis in terra ; a blacke Swan , or a white Crow , as rare as the Phoenix , and such a precious Iewell as the Indies cannot a●…ord his his parallell . He is most happy that hath him , and I aduise him to make much of him , for hee hath great fortune indeed , if he findes a second . FINIS .