Cures for the itch Characters. Epigrams. Epitaphs. By H.P. Parrot, Henry. 1626 Approx. 132 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 71 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2006-06 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A09036 STC 19328 ESTC S119941 99855146 99855146 20619 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A09036) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 20619) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1475-1640 ; 1148:14) Cures for the itch Characters. Epigrams. Epitaphs. By H.P. Parrot, Henry. [144] p. Printed [by J. Haviland and M. Flesher] for Thomas Iones, at the signe of the Blacke Rauen in the Strand, London : 1626. H.P. = Henry Parrot. Printers' names from STC. "Characters" has separate title page and register. "Epigrams" has caption title and begins new register with signature B. "Epitaphs" has caption title; register is continuous. Apparently Flesher printed the "Characters" only, and this section may be a reissue--STC. Signatures: A⁴ A-B ² B-E F¹² G. Imperfect; leaf A4 of the first quire is lacking. Reproduction of the original in the Bodleian Library. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. Gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. 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Copies of the texts have been issued variously as SGML (TCP schema; ASCII text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable XML (TCP schema; characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless XML (TEI P5, characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or TEI g elements). Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng Characters and characteristics -- Early works to 1800. 2003-03 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2005-12 SPi Global Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2006-02 Andrew Kuster Sampled and proofread 2006-02 Andrew Kuster Text and markup reviewed and edited 2006-04 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion CVRES FOR THE ITCH . Characters . Epigrams . Epitaphs . By H. P. Scalpat qui tangitur . LONDON , Printed for Thomas Iones , at the signe of the Blacke Rauen in the Strand . 1626. To the courteous Reader . IT is now almost two yeares expired when ( liuing in the Country that long Vacation ) I wrote these Epigrams , and Epitaphs adioining , which then , nor since I would consent ( nor was it fit indeed they should bee published ) till now on times more prosperous opportunity . These Characters besides ( though first here mentioned ) were now of later times by me composed , which not so fully perfected , as was meant , I did not thinke should haue past the presse . If any thing howeuer may proue acceptable , I shal a little seem more glad , being so much lesse discredited by these vaine houres of mine mis-spent , which should haue beene ( you will say ) on better exercises . You cannot possibly dislike the one , more then I willing would reforme the other . Si tantum detur mihi libera potestas & occasio : Meane while submitting to your fauourable Censures , I humbly rest , Yours to be commanded , H. P. To the Criticke-seeming Censurer . THou maist be curteous for ought I know , without the least of carping or deprauing , let thy wits excellence or worths best estimate be what it will : Marry Sir , then might it be askt me why I should thou thee , or any Gentleman of those indowments , My answer briefly ( though not worth the answering ) is , that thy betters haue much more endured , and daily doe accept without exceptions . But to the businesse , Here 's a new Booke , or rather new Brood ( as a man may call it ) of some vnusuall odde inuentions , hastily hatcht without obseruance of time , rule , or reckoning , and therfore little know I yet what may become of them ; nor dare I promise more on their behalfes , then that they either may starue through pouerty , or desperately lye vpon the parish for want of shelter , so farre vnlikely will it be ( I know ) to finde the owners or fathers out , who questionlesse will quite disclaim them to be their Bastards though nere so iumpe a like in qualities as can or may be possibly required . But to leaue Metaphors , I know I shall bee fowly censured , and that by none so much , as those , that are or haue beene of mine own acquaintaine , I mean not such as are iudicious ( whom I loue and reuerence ) but other sort of prouder vpstarts that would bee wiser then their ancestors , because a little bolstered vp since their forgetfull base beginnings . I should but vex my selfe , and ill detaine you with the report of things so friuolous , which ceasing so much as but to thinke vpon , If any man shall question me ; Quorsum haec inania scripsi , t is ten to one I answer not directy , more then thus , that what 's done and past cannot bee recald : Therefore in briefe , without least complements ( as I said before ) whatsoeuer to others may proue distastfull , shall vnto me be twice as odious , and there 's an end . Characters . BY H. P. LONDON , Printed for Tho : Iones . Characters . A Ballad-maker IS a kinde of Owle or Batt that flyeth in the night , and dares not his deformities should appeare by day : Hee 's one that from first shamelesse desperate become of late to bee more impudent ▪ sets this last rest vp for his latest refuge . His Primum mobile of ragged ancestry sprang from the patchings of some paltry Poet ; Whence learning how to rime vnreasonably , makes this the maine-Mast of his occupation . His choisest plots or grounds to worke vpon , are drawn most commonly from theeues and murderers , or such notorious malefactors , as puts him in great hope to purchase forty pence . His highest ambition he aymes at , is , to be intituled , The Times intelligencer , or Nuncius of Newes at the second hand . The Punckes late Ballad of the new Bridewell was his cheife Master-peece that purchast him perhaps a coblers paire of boots ouer & aboue his vsuall bargaining Hee spends most past of his time in 's bed , partly for sauing charge of botching , but chiefly deuising what were best to write on , when no one cals on him for what 's to pay : Omnia mea mecum , &c. may very rightly be verified in him that hath no riches more then what he weares , and comes to him commonlie by deed of gift . The Alewife is inforst to trust him weekely , and that without all hope of hauing ought vnlesse some Pallad chance to be compos'd vpon some dismall or dolefull accident as may be sung to the tune of welladay . If any thing happen to helpe besides , it must accrew from the next Sessions ▪ prouided there be some to trauel westward , on whom he is to make that recantation as if himselfe were the Theame hee writes on . No massacre or murder comes to him amisse , but brings sufficient matter for inuention . Wherein he shewes himselfe so nimble , that if any witch bee by chance condemned , hee 'l haue a ballad out in print before such time as she goes to Tyburne : wherein all her confession and the manner of her death shall be described by way of Prophesie , witnesse the famous witch of Edmonton , condemned at New-gate about foure yeares past . No Printer deales with him that loues his credit , but must be thereunto induc'd for want of worke , and then the Presse begins to sweat when monstrous newes comes Trundling in the way ; His greatest volume done in Folio is to bee purchast but for two brasse tokens , which either you may please to light Tobacco w th or sacrifice to A-iax for purgation . In briefe , the summe of all his practices is but to shift him sometime in cleane linnen , that he appeare not louzie to posteritie , and so I leaue him . A Tapster IS another Mephostophilus , or visible spirit , that 's dayly diuing into Vauts and Cellars ; the custome of whose clamor is to cry anon , and restlesse post him to and from the Spiggot : Hee s one whose races first deriuatiue grew from the dregs but of some Brewers Dray-man , who for his liquors larger vtterance bindes him apprentice to an Inkeeper , where quickly learning to chalke two for one , as also how to fill with nicke and froth , becomes a Drawer for the Deuills owne drinking . Hee s a sworne wellcomer of all sorts of Drunkards that sit and call for 't at their costs and perills . His Cullionship oft-times becomes a Creditor that either must be forst to trust his betters , or cheat his Master if they pay not for it . Your Puncke or Oyster-wench ( excepted onely ) may score it at all times vpon bare trust , which hee s contented to take out in drudgery . Your Country Tapsters are of other kinde , sworne often brothers vnto Ostlers , and so consenting to each others secrets , as that to robberies they oft proue Accessories . Hee nere could teach himselfe more how to pray then that salt meat be euer in request , and may not want stale Beere to serue his customers , which must not so much quench as kindle thirst : and to that knauish end the Brewer and he well know that Rosin is a good ingredient . Hee s naturally addicted to a blew tuckt Apron with a blacke pouch thereto appendant , the chiefest Ensigne of his occupation . His greatest prouidence ( caring else for nought ) is to haue store of of Bottles gainst the Spring , which standing in their ranks like Muskateires , may soone discharge vpon the word Giue fire : Nothing affrights him like the Brewers Clarke whose comming with his Tallies proues more terrible then is a Sergeant to a younger brother . If once he come to draw but for himselfe , or may be trusted for some halfe a brewing , there 's not a peasant on the earth so proud . Hence he aspiring , hopes to get a wife ( no matter of what calling or condition ) that soon may purchase him a house for victualling : His last of Ladders steppe proues then an Host : and further comes to bee a common Baile for such as are his daily benefactors , that vse to drinke and call in by the dozens . In briefe , had he but wit to his vnworthinesse , hee would become more knaue then could bee corrigible , and so continue till his last of breathing . A Drunkard IS a liquid publike Notorie , thath makes Indentures without clause or couenant . One whom stout cariage hath so lowly humbled as hee no more lookes into others risings then would least downefalls should be seene in him . Hee s no concealer of long harbourd secrets , but thereof soone dischargeth himselfe , and hardly can bee held to proue a Traitor . He oft-times seemes a man much penitent , witnesse the foremarkes of the cloathes he weares , being the teares both of the Tankard and himself together . He scornes on thother side your pale fac't Enuy or any thing that 's done in hugger-mugger , but will haue perfect collour for what he deales in . Hee s a most hardy and approued souldier that takes a nappe as soundly on the boards , or ( for a need in wide and open fields , ) as on your softest beds of Downe , not dreaming least of Cushion , Cap or Pillow : He sleepes not long in malice or reuenge , but meerly will forget those wrongs next morning which could not be endur'd the night before . Hee s an vndoubted good Astronomer that watcheth often more by night then day , and bids the morning Starre good morow before the Larke or least of light appeare . Moreouer he assumes himselfe a trauellor of farthest Regions with th' Antipodes , where it is night with them being day with vs. He still maintaines the old Dutch Prouerb , That strongest liquor cureth all diseases : No best of Physicke careth he a fig for , no Doctors deales with , or Apothecarie , so well hath Nature and due custome taught him to purge at all times without Pill or potion . He troubles not himselfe with state affaires which would disturbe him of his liberty , but loues to doffe it without care securely : Hee s ne're so valerous as when 's cups are mustering daring thē to fight with Pompey or great Otho , and drinke Carowses to the Queene of Sparta ▪ The Baker is of all men least beholding to him , that for expence of halfe a peece in liquor vtters him not one farthing worth of bread . The Vintner is his Gardian ouerseer , that keepes him oft-times till the reckoning be cast vp , and rather craues his roome then 's company . If you will speake with him in sober sadnesse , your comming must bee early in a morning , he being soon after gone to drink a match . Porters & watchmen are his home conductors , that either picke his pockets by the way , or will be sure of something ere they leaue him . If in his drunken rage he kills a man , hee s the next day not onely sorry for it , but must be hang'd for further satisfaction being sober : and there 's the cloze of it . A rectified young man IS a pretious Diamond , or rare orient Pearle richly set in gold : It s that 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 . So true a louer of learning and goodnesse as proueth him a patterne to posteritie . His generall obseruance had of others vertues , confirmes all absolute in him without reproofe : hee suckt not ouer-much his mothers milk , nor was hee weaned long before his time , you need not question ought his parentage , which cannot but approue that saying verified , Such as the tree is , such must be the fruit . His modest gesture shewes him what he is , without beholding to the booke of Heraldie . He loueth manners better farre then money , and not affecting turbulent promotions , chooseth a quiet life his best of happinesse . Hee s ne're so idle as in company , and not so busied as by being alone ; his thoughts are seldome set on had-I-wist of businesse rash or inconsiderate , but with aduice directeth all his action : hee suites himselfe with such associates as are coherent with his disposition , neither too loftie or ambitious , nor basely minded , and yet truly generous ; His garments are not shap't so to the fashion , as comelinesse in him becommeth them ; hee s not too lavish nor penurious , not ouer silent or contentious ; but moderate , twixt both , without extreames . The Church and Sermons are his chiefe delights , which makes him mortified ere his time of mariage : his solace sometimes next to Diuinity , may bee to looke on honest poetry , which makes him of best schollers best respected : hee accounts that sinne , which sauours not of truth , or from a conscience that 's the least corrupted . His setled thoughts and constant resolutions will not bee soone remoued vpon perswasiōs of things that may be not the same they seem . The loue of goodnesse keepes him still in hope of that which may in processe bring perfection . All that he aymes at is a good report of such a vertuous life and conuersation as may record him vnto after ages ; his latest thoughts of long deliberating may bee in time to match with such a wife as shall adde honor to his former credit , and set vp so his rest in that felicity which may assure him rest eternally . A young Nouices new yonger wife IS a Codling in Iuly that comes not to be ripe before September , howeuer sooner pluckt for wantonnes more then of taste or rellish it affordeth . It s the same Thing in her minoritie which we call a woman , who no sooner entring into the yeare of teene , but then begins to bloome and burnish much like the Strawberry the first fruit that 's gathered . Time hath not taught her yet the dues of Matrimony : but well shee woteth , and hath often heard it , the summe or portion which her father giues her , ( besides the legacy her Grandsire left her ) is able keepe two maids at least . She scorneth now the thought but of a Rod , hauing that safegard which shall stand twixt her and it for such defence . Shee seekes imprimis how to sute her selfe as may accommodate with the times and fashions , therefore makes choice of such a Taylor as best can tell how to put her to charges . The next is , what best likes her ap●etite that hath beene queazy from her infancy , and feareth much her new come kitchin mayde will neuer please her in the buying or dressing . Shee knowes not how to chide her man without laughing , hauing beene so childishly familiar with seruants before her mariage . The most shee wanteth , are those tearmes to gossip it , being thereto nere accompanied with her Mother , and that which grieues her , is not to haue beene at womans labour , no not so much as her eldest sisters , not knowing how soone shee may ( vnexpert ) bee thereto occasioned : her shoomaker vexeth her beyond the rest , who maketh her foot seeme so vnfashionable or ouer-pinching as is not possible to be endured . If her new husband grant not what she asketh him , twenty to one but she falls a weeping , or will not arise the next day to dinner . Shee hates that woman of what sort soeuer , that weares a Beaner or a Ruffe so curious as may compare with hers for comelinesse . No neighbor suffers shee to approach her bedchamber ; not that it lyes so sluttish and vnhandsome , as for she hath not yet a casting-bottle , & a wrought Cushion-cloath which still her Husband forgets to buy her . Her care is next to haue her Picture drawne , could shee but meet that cunning Painter who drew my Lady being great with child . Her chiefest solace is to sit at door , and that on Sundayes commonly after Euensong , when being in her best and handsomest habit , she may bee gazed on like a May-game . She longs a moneth before she proues with childe , that so ouercloyd with choisest dainties , shee hath now a foolish minde to feed on spratts . There 's nothing could content or pacifie her after the cat had kild her Sparrow , vntill she had a Parraquito bought her , which lik't her not a moneth till shee was weary of . Her second choice shee hopes , shall proue a Gentleman . If this content her not which now she hath , or things fadge otherwise then are expected , let them thanke her father for it , that made the match , and there 's an end . A common Fidler IS an ineuitable squeaking slaue of time , one that intrudes into any company vnder pretext of that old motto , wil't please you Gentlemen to heare any Musicke ; hee s such a mercenarie Rascal as makes a man induced to expence , & payes more for his eare then for his mouth ; he neuer draws in anger , but for profit : and that most cōmonly of meat , drinke and money : onely in darke mornings may it fall out otherwise ; that 's forst to stand in doubtful expectation , and strike vp cheerfully at all aduentures , and perhaps in a showre of raine which dampes his sheepes guts . The most he aymeth at is after feasts and weddings , where he may be sure to fill his pockets , howere hee saile of further coynes reward . The next to that , is after Fayres and feastings , where hee presumeth it is impossible hee should meet with all repulses . His most ambition is after songs and clothes , with so much money as will buy new Fidles-strings . An old blew coat at the second turning sets vp his treble in the highest straine , that titles then himselfe some Lords Retayner . His totall meanes amounts but to fiue markes , which he hath miseraby beene scraping all his life-time , and cannot purchase yet a Cloake for Holy daies . If any man chance to breake his Instrument , hee bringeth straight his action of the Case being his Fidle case is without action ; his best of profit comes most times from Drunkards , and such as are lasciuiously inclin'd , whom hee prouoketh with more lewd temptation , Should he be blind , and after vse his trade , it must assume howere a larger priuiledge , onely dyes a Rogue by the Statute , and there 's his vltimum . A Broker IS a refractorie kinde of Devill on Earth , meerly compos'd without a Conscience , and deales in onely such things desperate as either come by way of relaps , or otherwise happen at the second hand ; Hee 's as it were the sincke or common shore to all , or most of those commodities , which for necessity haue forst beene morgaged , or forfeited meerely without redemption . His first originall of base beginning grew from the corruption of some cut-throat vsurer , who matcheth many times his younger daughter with the first issue male of such a Syre . The horse-courser and hee are scarce distinguished which of the twaine proues the truest lurcher for buying cheapest and selling dearest , only the one bids , See what you lacke , whiles the other cheats you with vnknown diseases . His greatest profit comes most times from Theeues , and much is benefited by Bawdes and Bānkroutes ; onely the Hangman holds him to hard bargaines , that 's forst to buy or barter at his pleasure : Honesty and hee are euer vnreciprocall , and stand more remote to either , then Hounsditch from Longlane ; or Tyburne almost from Turnbullstreet . The darkest shop makes his gaines the cleerer , which he obscures with sundry properties for such case prouided . Hee 's seldome seene abroad vnlesse at Out-cryes , where hee forestalles all sorts of buyers on that old watch-word of No man better . He makes it thirteen moneths to euery yeare , when any come to pay him interest , and takes the forfeit but of one dayes failing him . There 's nothing terrifies him like a Monopolie , thinking some presently are come to beg him for his quadruble extorting vsurie : Hee liues not commonly full out his time , for that his Master Mammon can no longer spare him , nor makes hee any will to vexe his conscience with giuing or bequeathing that so suddenly , which hath beene scrap'd vp with so long extremity . And therefore , to keepe decorum , he dyeth detestable . In briefe , no sooner is the caitiffe coffined ( which is the most can bee afforded him ) but downe so soone falls all his moueables , as there 's no mention left of such a miscreant . A Iouiall good fellow IS such a kinde frolicke Coxcombrian , as scorning least the guilt of Couetuousnes , may easily be drawn to dye a Begger . Hee s one whose parents scrap'd vp by the ounce , that he spēds & spatters by the pound . The name of vsury is to him so odious as rather then be toucht with taking interest , hee le sooner be content to lose the principall . The saying of old is verified in him . What pity t is he hath it not : and again , Hee s no mans foe but his owne . The fountaine of good fellowship consists in him , that rather then to part with boone companie will freely condiscend to stay til midnight , spending as much as the house dares trust him . Hee s none of those that takes care for to morrow , but bids in such case things bee as they may . The Taylor makes his cloathes at all aduentures , that being so scittish and fantasticall , will not stand still whiles hee 's taking measure . Nothing distasts him more then breach of promise , as not to meet in such a place in Fishstreet , all businesse and occasions set apart . Giue him but least of warning ouer-night , and hee s yours next day wholly to command . There cannot bee a greater iniury to his inuincible resolution as but to tender least towards the reckoning , which hee hath vow'd and sworne will see discharged , and for my part may hee neuer guilty be of periury . Hee seldome weares out any thing he buyes , but giues or lends it oft without returne , and that 's it makes the Laundresse lose his linnen . Hee s bound for any man will but intreat him , and neuer thinks out till the time 's expired . His most of care is how to grow more lean , that hath so long been puft vs with Canary , as there 's no helpe out but hee must take Physicke . These sitting , long at supper kills his disgesture , and with his taking so much Tobacco the very kitchin-maid begins to loath him . His manner was of late to ryde & take the ayre , but now hath sold his horse to saue that charge : besides , hee hath so oft beene bidden Godfather , as now must pausing first bethinke himselfe . The last that followes ( being the Hell of all ) are those vndreamt of scuruy executions haue layd in the Poultry Compter ; wher wee leaue him . A Humorist IS he that harbours those conceits within him , which nothing better then a cudgell can beat out ; hee s of so different oppos'd opinion ▪ as would appropriate himselfe peculiar beyond the tract of vulgar dispositions ; Custome creates in him that habite which now is growne to such a height , as may bee term'd another nature . Giue him the reines , hee 'le gallop out of breath , or do but checke or crosse him nere so little , and you may cary him aswell to Bedlam ; Hee 's of that quaint society and behauiour , as not enduring to stay long in company , leaues you abruptly , without taking leaue : he finds not halfe so soone the cause of quarrell , as thereto proues occasioned without a cause . The more you seeke or offer to intreat him , the more inexorable he shewes himselfe , and yeelds no reason , but his rascall humor ; his manner is to sing sometimes at meat , because he would not be thought melancholly for want of money , and doth that which commonly hee 's most forbidden ; his outward cariage makes him much obserued , either fantasticall and most peruerse , or so demurely casting downe his head as if he were to study the Blacke Art. He cannot endure a long Grace , he loues not to eat of any thing that 's caru'd vnto him , nor can endure to sit long at dinner , but must haue needs Tobacco spite of Company . The want of money makes him then most mad , especially being denyed longer trust at the Ordinarie . He challengeth any man into the field that shall refuse to pledge his Mistresse health , although he meanes to be first drunke . He flings a Trencher forthwith at the face of him or them shall offer any musicke , bidding them pack away for Roguish Fidlers . His obstinacies heat growne more implacable , dares call that woman Whore that 's not his mother . His maine of actions are without example , nor wil be perswaded by prescription of wisest , most , or worthiest whatsoeuer . Keepe him in darknesse eight and forty houres without releife of food , or sustenance , you somewhat may perhaps asswage his humour , but neuer shall reclaime him if you would hang him . A malepart yong vpstart IS a Mushrom grown within compasse but of one nights breeding , and may be likened to that painted butterfly that flitters but a month in Summer , and staies not long at whatsoere he lights on ; hee s that first rare and forwardest fruit you cal a Ieniting , which ripes and rots soone both together : much differing from your lasting-Apple-Iohn . His thoughts are alwayes vpon presentactions , not looking least on what is past , and scornes to thinke any thing to come . Much bashfulnesse in him is long since vanished , and now hath boldnes made him more then impudent . He meerly hath forgot his kennell of-spring , and will no more bee pestred with intrusions of them that worthier might contemn his cōpany ; his mothers cockering made him first a wanton , since when , conceited with his owne perfections , becomes more malepert then vnreprouable . Time nere could teach him how to keepe decorum being so lately spun as t' were and wouen , not stretcht as vpon the tenter-hooks , so little trial hath he had of waterings as ten to one , but hee le shrink him in wetting : the tailor much hath holpe him in the making , adding to his Ioynes that onward luster as therby would be thought another Absolon : hee s strong perswaded euery wench is in loue with him , especially hauing on his best apparell ; and wanteth no addition but a beard . All that he aymes at is to bee arrogant , not caring for best counsell or aduice . Last , he desires but money & good cloathes , let other matters happen as they may , and there 's the period of his resolution . A Scold IS a much more heard of ▪ then least desired to bee seene or knowne she-kinde of Serpent ; the venom'd sting of whose poysonous tongue , worse then the biting of a Scorpion , proues more infectious farre then can be cured ; Shee s of all other creatures most vntameablest , and couets more the last word in scoulding , then doth a Combater the last stroke for victorie . She lowdest lifts it standing at her door , bidding w th exclamation flat defiance to any one sayes blackes her eye . She dares appeare before any Iustice , nor is least daunted with the sight of Counstable , nor at worst threatnings of a Cuckingstoole . There 's nothing mads or moues her more to outrage , then but the very naming of a wispe , or if you sing or whistle when she is scoulding . If any in the interim chance to come within her reach , twenty to one she scratcheth him by the face : or doe but offer to hold her hands , shee l presently begin to cry out murder . There 's nothing pacifies her , but a cup of Sacke , which taking in full measure of digestion , shee presently forgets all wrongs that 's done her and thereupon falls streight a weeping : doe but intreat her with faire words , or flatter her , she then confesseth all her imperfections , and layes the guilt vpon the whore her mayd . Her manner is to talke much in her sleepe what wrongs she hath indured of that rogue her husband whose hap may be in time to dye a Martyr , and so I leaue them . A good Wife IS a world of happines , that brings with it a Kingdome in conceit , and makes a perfect adiunct in societie ; shee s such a comfort as exceeds content , and proues so precious as cānot be paralleld , yea more inestimable then may be valued . Shee s any good mans better second selfe , the very mirror of true constant modesty , the carefull huswife of frugalitie , and dearest obiect of mans hearts felicitie . She commands with mildnesse , rules with discretion , liues in repute , and ordereth all things that are good or necessarie ; shee s her husbands solace , her Houses ornament , her childrens succor , and her seruants comfort . Shee s ( to be briefe ) the eye of warinesse , the tongue of silence , the hand of labour , and the hart of loue : Her voice is musicke , her countenance meeknesse ; her minde vertuous , and her soule gratious . Shee s a blessing giuen from God to man , a sweet companion in his affliction , and ioynt copartner vpon all occasions ; shee s ( to conclude ) earths chiefest Paragon , and will bee when shee dyes heauens dearest creature . A selfe conceited parcell-witty-old Dotard . HE pretendeth not only to be quondam learned , but also in present a graue scribling Clerke : and when hee discribeth himselfe , hee dareth to adde the title of the ablest writer in Europe , though he haue nothinks hee deserues more then others can giue him , or himselfe desires . He carieth a Philosophycall grauity and austerity , affecting chiefly the garbe of Diogenes , whom he imitates as well in high conceit as low estate , and therfore hates nothing more then the name of Elemosinary or Beadesman , though charity be his onely freehold . No strappado will make him confesse what title he hath to the meat he eats , for which he pleads the merit of the man , and holds that to bee his owne because hee eates it . Though both yeares and affectation breed in him a graue looke , yet is hee not so gray as greasie , especially when his sattin dublet hath borne the affronts of all weathers for 8 , or 9. moneths , and then it is so varnished that no drop of raine will sticke vpon it . So austere he is , that he will alienate his bed to lye vpon the ground , and so thrifty that he will weare his stockings re'nuersed , the feet of them raced or cooped and aduanced in cheife to the knee for the seruice they haue done him in the hoofe , and at last he honorably entombes them in the dunghill . Hee so defieth the curiosity of the times , that he will rather be knowne by blacke linnen then by blew starch , and so abhorreth the shreds of old Indentures , that hee will not suffer his Taylor to take measure of him , to whom he giueth in charge only one prouiso that his dublet doe not pinch him in the crop , and so hinder his nutrition which is the chiefe faculty he takes care of . He is of those sublimated speculations that hee can better expresse his thoughts by his brow then his tongue , and can giue no more account of his meditations , then the Sybills could of their Prophesies when the madde fit was ouer . He will voluntarily tell of his old trauels , what respect hee hath found among great men , what preferments he hath run through , or might haue had , but will not be cald to account by demanding questions , especially if they tend to examine of what profession he is . Hee hath some remaines of quondam learning , which like old ruines of time , others delight to behold , among whom hee loues to bee abused in iest , lest he should be contemned in earnest , he thinks no reproach greater , then when he hath been baffled to confesse who hurt him ; and therfore then sweares he remembers nothing . If any of his aquaintance aske him whether he hold himselfe to bee wit-wrackt , hee plainly answers that hee hath not so much wit as to iudge of his own wits , but saith , that hee strongly suspecteth himselfe , and that not without cause : the treble string of his fancy being so weake that it will crack with the weight of a new hat ; which therfore he the oftener putteth off vpon pretence of punctuall courtesie , which he affecteth so complementally as if he had held a trencher at the table of Cardinall St. George at Rome . His chiefe exercise is stretching his old Calues in long walkes , whither he knowes not , nor cares , so he may seeme contemplatiue by walking alone if you meet him : and aske whither he goes , he saith , his Iourney lyes as the Gadd-fly bites him . In winter hee will often walke in Cuerpo , in the snow or raine , sollacing himselfe with the hope of faire weather , and otherwhile within doores : his best imployment and posture is to lye vpon Chushions against a fire basting himselfe til his complexion smel like Newgate or the inside of a Clownes Eele-skin sheath , or of an old extinguisher . In summer his greatest worke within doores is to doe execution vpon fleas by set number ten being his stint ( according to the number of his blankets ) which to exceede he counteth murder : and without doores to enterlace his walkes with stations or rather sessions vnder hedges among his brethren Mendicants , whose company he is so loath to leaue , that he commeth home short to halfe meales , and then eates poste to ouertake his company . If the whimsey take him to see Westminster , for businesse he hath none , hee would the rather weare out sixe pence in shooe-leather , by trudging about , then spend two pence with a skuller to strike ouer the gayner way . Though the world owe him much for his ancient deserts , yet will hee liuing nor dead owe the world any thing , and therefore that no man may pull his Executor by the sleeue , he compounds before hand for the charges of his buriall . No man can tell how to take measure of him for a monument , otherwise ( in imitation of his owne prouidence ) I would before hand haue made an Epitaph on him , for which though I should deserue thankes some , yet I expect none , well knowing that hee repayeth no thankes for any courtesie , but rather expects as much from euery donor , for his owne acceptation of the last benefit . And so I leaue him to others admiration . FINIS . EPIGRAMS . Aegrotans , nolens . COuld Bond the Scrivener find no time to come To Sr. Iohn Opus , but on 's physick day , When he should take a purge ? Hang him base scum , Is that a time when men their debts should pay ? Goe tell the Scoundrell from Sr Iohn agen His Worship leaues off purging none knows when . Ferendo fortior . GAlla twice maried , is become much stronger ; And in her labours like to hold out longer , Who by this new match makes the prouerb full , She that hath borne a Calfe , beares now a Bull. Foelix donec . WHile Turnus feasted , not a guest durst faile him But being arested , not a guest durst bail him . Fiat necesse . SExtus hath sold his Coach and horses foure , which needs must vnto Need be thoght th' induction For of expence there prou'd none other power , Besides , t' was that first drew him to destruction . Verbum , summis . YOung Lelio left but sixpence in aduance , That was to feast it at the Golden Fleece : Comes to the Bar with brauing countenance , Saying , Sirra Drawer , canst thou change a peece ? Or — since for siluer we are not so strong , Scor't vp : I le send it by my man - Tom Long. Verbosus scabiosus . MArcus would needs maintain , Store was no sore That had his fingers fraught with scabs great store To whom ( quoth one ) This proues you sir a lyer , For too much store makes you a scuruy Squire . Sublata causa , &c. WHy studies Siluester no more the Lawes ? Tisthoght Duck-lane has tane away the cause Peccans errans . MOnseur Patricius is to Venice gone , What to do there think you ? faith look vpon The Walls and Buildings : not for any feare , Vnlesse you 'll vrge't t' was to saue hanging here . Filia Grammaticalis . NO more need Pontus pawne his gown or cloak His wiues best linnen , or her wedding ring ; Vnlesse the Deuill hath still the same forespoake , As an ordain'd ineuitable thing . For why ? his daughter , past her Moods and Tenses ▪ ( Comming to Possum ) payes for all expences . Grauida , intacta . BIndo still beats his Maids beyond excesse , All but this last and late-come little Besse , Of whom it 's wondred much how Bindo delt ▪ That she with child , his waight yet neuer felt . Equitans-ambulans . WHy wears Wat one boot vp , another down ? Cause th'ones to ride whiles th' other staies in towne . Dubius decipiens . IAnus must iesting still equiuocate , Which he alludes as doubtfull termes of art , Being a custome he hath got of late , But to the Devill he beares an honest heart . Armatus , animosus . WHen Lanus lights by chāce vpon some cheat , And hath his pockets lin'd with least of chink His stomacke then endures no common meat , Or possibly digests your sodden drinke , Till forst againe remoue towards the fields , Finds no such victuals as his Alehouse yeelds . Deridens deridendus . IF Lollus leaue not those his flowts and frumps , Which haue so oft been worn euen to the stumps . Let it not vex him if reuenge be such , That others play vpon his wife as much . Calvus incastus . NOt chaste nor secret Calvus ? well take heed Thou proue not last a bald-pate knaue indeed . Pulchra quae vtilia . MErcutio maruels what men meane , to buy So many bookes of such diuersity ; When Almanacks ( saith he ) yeelds all the sense Of times best profit , and experience . Facies , forum . PVt case Penelope be poore descended , Where find you such another more compares For comelinesse , or is the like befriended , With Knights and Gallants that bespeak her wares ? Shew me that Sempster if you ere haue seene her , Hath had like takings for a young-beginner . Charum Diuersorium . CReta lets lodgings , but at such a rate As may maintaine Mal , Su , Bess , Dol , and Kate , Whom purposely she keeps in such a plight , As may content best commers in at night . Verba vana . PRu could content you , as fit time affords , But to deale plain , she 'l not be paid with words . Inaequale Connubium . PAulus is wedded to a wench , as pretty As he himselfe is generous and witty : But here 's the ods , she 'll trade , so will not he , And that 's it makes them so much disagree . Meretrix moesta . PArnel complaines not halfe so much of wants , As spitefull dealings late in publike knowne , By Bridewell Beadles : slaues and Sycophants , That durst so vex her , vsing but her owne ; When thousands more haue trod awry the shoo , Alas poore whore , what would you haue her doe ? Maritus mitior . KInd Kester carying Kate his wife behind him , To post-salute her would oft backwards wind him : Whereby the cockscombe might be thought more kind , That he before should kisse her so behind . Visumignotum . THat Cambro's wife's with child , her belly shows it , But who was 't got it ? pray ask those that knows it Peccans culpans . HOw bitter spake sir Tristram th' other day , To George his mā that wēt ( he thought ) aftray Alledging , no such obiects could so wooe him : True , for he has the gowt , his drab comes to him . Signa supersunt . PRiscus giues out he hence to Prague is gone , Vpon a wager of aduentrous chance : But Priscus lurkes ( more shame to think vpon ) With Kate his old comrague in Petty France : Yet of his trauels meanes at large relate , At least is sure to bring certificate . Femina fumus . SIl for his wiues sake much Tobacco sels , That still employes her selfe in nothing else : For though the smoak yeelds neere so bad a smother Men loathing yet the one , may loue the other . Serio at non . DOl with much dalliance must and wil dispense , Dealing on matters deeper consequence . Invita Senectus . OLd Dromo bids adieu to day delights . Growne much decrepid ; fitter far for nights : Who forst must now his worne out limbs retire , And volens-nolens feed but on desire . Ebria fragilior . WHo sayes Carina liues incontinent , Or proues the least to such a busines bent : Because she lodgings lets to Gentlemen That may be iesting with her now and then ? Be it defiance to his very face , Shall touch Carina in such kind of case . Indeed if drunke a man will question that , A woman then may doe she knowes not what . Duplex dubium . SIslie's with child she 's sure , but knowes not whether By her late husband , or this man , or neither . Birlady wench th'adst need both doubt and feare , For twixt them both the businesse did appeare . Idonius Capistro . BRutus denies his birth and parentage , Growne vp a gallant iust at hanging age . Debita desperata . QVestus hath tane vp more this last vacation , In Mercers shops , then all his meanes amounts Who being askt to pay , and in what fashion , All he can say , is , Put it in accompts . Chara Coniux . NIcholas that purchast for his new wife Nan A little Dog , a Squirrell , and a Fan , Contents her not , but must haue ( seinvito ) A Muffe , a Munky , and a Parakito : Which to defray , the foole perforce is drawne , Although he lay the siluer spoone to pawne . Breuius Dulcius . DAcus endures not any long discourse , which his impatience would too much inforce The end or cloze aymes he at , good or ill , All but the Tauerne and his Taylors bill . Luxuria praecipua . KIt cares not though his trechery be knowne , So you 'll but let his letchery alone . Nesutor vltra . GOrgonius brags what wonders he would doe , Were but his purse halfe answerable to His noble thoughts : Pish , prethee foole it lesse , And follow on the trade thou dost professe . Mouens mobilis . WHat art thou like ( my Lidea ) or whereto Shall I compare thee , as I faine would do : Vnto a Swan ? a Lilly ? or a Rose ? No , Lidea scornes to be compar'd to those : I le tell thee Lidea ( so thou wilt not frowne ) Iust to an Houre-glasse that 's still vp and downe . Egenus Poeta . TAssus writes verses vpon great mens praise , And in that exercise spends most his dayes : For whom you 'll aske ? That would be vnderstood . Faith for whos'ere giues money to buy food . Ius , iniuria . CRassus of lands holds lawfull now possession : True , got by law , but lost by much oppression . Fortior , formidabilis . QVimetuit odit , doth the prouerb goe . Which might of Caius carefull be debated , If any durst but tell the Caitiffe so : Pish hang him he 'll be fear'd , though nere so hated . Chara , vilis . PRiscilla sprung from pitch of highest top , Scorning your proud late gallants to conuerse with , Now lowly keeps a poore Tobacco shop , For foot-boyes , grooms , & cullions to cōmerse with But you must note she 's poore and grown in yeares , As by the rules of ragged times appeares . Aegrotants fortior . CAntus our Cobler being lately sicke , One meeting him , desir'd to vnderstand The cause of his disease : quoth he , a cricke Hath pain'd me , but am now o' th mending hand . Eques solis . BErnard for boots with London coblers barters , Which stād in stead of stockins , shoos , & garters Obligatus alligatus . DAy break , and break of day , all one should be , But t is not so with Ferdinand we see : Who chancing thus of late to break his day , Was all the cause why he in Ludgate lay . Deteriora malis . DIcke truly swore he was not drunke this week , Chalkt not one penny vpon any score , Playd not a game at Tables , Bowles , or Gleek , No not a foot stept from his chamber doore : Long of that scuruy Laundresse , so to deale , As hauing but one shirt , she that must steale . Viatores infoelitiores . SCruto that skilfull-seeming man in arts , And Traueller , twice all those countries bin in , Would any creature iudge one of his parts So lowsie should become for want of linnen ? Dolor intimus . NOt hauk , nor hound ▪ nor horse , those letters hhh But ache it selfe t is Brutus bones attaches . Propriora meliora . MEchus that meanes to pocket vp no wrongs , But money , and what else to him belongs , May pocket vp these Rimes , and be no foole , They nearer him concerne then A-iax stoole . Pignus secretum . MIstris Mordina whispered in mine eare , About a businesse she was loath to vtter , Vnlesse to silence it I first would sweare , And therewithall in some assurance put her . T was but to lend her so much , like a Noddy , For which she ventrous would haue pawnd her body Viuis viuens . PRoud Dorothea take it not in scorn , Th' art like a Biere that on mens backs is born ; Only this difference thou maist inforce , The Biere beares those are dead , thou the quicke corse . Additio perditio . FRom Mal but merry , men but mirth deriue , For trix t is makes her proue demonstratiue . Fallacior cautior . DArcas hath dealt on promises so oft As she 'll no more the cunningst cozener close with , Till it appeare there be a licence brought , Witnesse the fourth big belly that she goes with . Rosa , Spina . ADmit Fardella for her face and feature Be so vnparalleld esteem'd a creature , She 's yet for all those attributes no more Then an attractiue fine wel-fauour'd — : And that too many can too feeling tell , Since she too lately lodg'd in Clarkenwell . Splendida spoliis . CLim clad of late in Petticoats of wollen , Is now with silks & sattins grown more sullen , Who being askt how such might purchas'd be , Faith onely for the taking vp ( quoth she . ) Plagis mitior . KAtherine that grew so curst and fit for no man , With beating soone became a gentle-woman . Aspirans desperans . BEtter vnknighted ( had sir Giles first thought it ) Thē thus proue bankrupt who so dearly bought it , But that his old blacke Gillian ere she dy'd Must needs forsooth in hast be Ladifi'd . Iuvenis tonsus . THat Petrus proues so bald , and yet so yong , What one who sees him may but wonder at it , Knowing how late his haire was thick and long : Tut , come , t is quickly question'd whence he got it , Not by the Barbers rasor , nor his knife , But very neere , t' was by the Barbers wife . Antiqua ignota . IEnkin must needs proue Gentleman , and why ? By ancient rules fetcht from Antiquity : True ; if so ancient as we doe not know , Ienkins gentility must needs be so . Ocreatus esuriens . OF Ben that braues it in white boots , it 's mutterd He feeds at home on Carret roots vnbutterd . Pecunia praevalens . HAnd off Sir Sauce-box : Think you Mrs Phips Allowes such Lobs as you to touch her lips ? But then it s question'd further , If you bring her Some Legem pone , that 's another thing sir. Mortua , mutata . SVrdus this point will still insist vpon , Though Ioane his wife and he hate one another ; Yet ought they howsoere be both as one , For that such matters maried men should smother : Vntill she dead shall with the Devill remaine , Then must they be no longer one but twaine . Esuriens avidus . LEt kitchin Kate proue nere so foule or common All 's one to Clogo , if she be a woman : Who standing least on fashions finicall , Falls to his businesse like a Naturall . Par , pari . SIr Miles his mens heads breaks for ought amiss , But then t is Quid pro quo ; his maids break his . Emens cogens . WHy blame you Iaques of so iust a deed , As to prouide for matters necessary ? He did not buy his breeches without need , For true it was , he could no longer tary . Pristina obliuiscens . PRetus aspir'd to office , thinkes no more On those abhorred country Carts and Plowes , No not vpon the best of weeds he wore But th' other day : his place more worth allowes . What cares he who repines , or be agrieu'd , Things are not now as when Andrea liu'd . Conscientia testis . WHat makes Anthonio deeme himselfe vndone , Be'ng quest'ned since his office first begun : But that a conscience tels him , Quae sumuntur Tam male parta , male dilabuntur . Genitoris nesciens . TOm askes no fathers blessing , if you note him , And wiser he vnlesse he knew who got him . Non Aquila Muscas , &c. A Bucksome Lady of the last Edition , Woo'd by her Seruingman , his suit denies , Bidding him know ( with humble more submission ) That soaring Eagles scorne to catch at flyes . Credenti satis . YOung Gallatea matcht with old St Iohn , A goodly , sweet , and louely babe hath brought him , Which makes so many muse so much vpon , That for these twelue yeeres haue vnable thought him Surely there 's then some other supportation , Or meerly must be done by inspiration . Credens suadens . MAd iealous Mopsus , a man seene in arts , Was told by one , his Wife had worthy parts , To which he more outragious makes reply , How should this Rascall such her parts desery ? Spectatores deteriores . GRace scornes to grieue at worst disgrace that 's told her , Since t is her grace more graceless grooms behold her . Nuda veritas . A Question seem'd of late to be propounded , Why Lewes his loyns with lether were begirt The answer may you guesse might soon be grounded From naked truth , which was , he had no shirt . Notus ignotus . BEhold yond Grashopper clad all in greene , Hat , cloake , and sute alike : for loue sake stop Till he may more perspicuously be seene : Pox hang him Gull , has tane a Coblers shop : And now remembring such a foist that rambles , His mother keeps a Tripehouse neer the Shambles ▪ Clament perditores . IAnus hath studied long to break a iest Vpon these rimes , he doth so much detest , And can you blame him ? well he may be chiding , That hath so oft-times spur-galld bin with riding . Dicta praedicta . BAttus breaks iests on any thing that 's spoken , Prouided alwayes they before are broken . Vxor imperans . GRand Sulmo sweares he 'll not commanded be By any mortall of what ere degree , And yet his little Nan that scornes to aske it , Makes the great lubber stoop and pin the basket . Daemonum certamen . A Broaker and an Vsurer contended , Which in 's profession was the most befriended And for experience , more to haue it tride , A Scriuener must the difference decide : To whom quoth he , you like the Fox and Cub , One shall be Mammon , th' other Belzebub . Verbum sat . PRoximius from his heart protesteth it , Without long phrase or tedious repetition , He would more knaue become had he more wit , So that the case needs no more exposition . Volens nolens . WIl with prouiso wils you testifie , Has made his Will , but hath no wil to die . Dulce quod vtile . WHo writes for Stationers in any vaine , That brings not therwith present store of gain , Let it of matters whatsoere containe , Is sure to haue but labour for his paine . Ictus sapit . WHen Lucius came of late vnto the place Where Lidea was , with whō in times of yore He some hot dealings had : with fearfull face Steps him in hast aside behind the doore , And being askt wherefore he came no nyer , Oh sirs ( quoth he ) the burnt child dreads the fire . Mutuans dissimulans . DIck craftie borrowes to no other end , But for he will not ought to others lend , That else might aske him : T is some wisdome Dick How ere accounted but a knauish tricke . Ignota condonata . HOdge wold you knew how honest he is grown Onely desires excuse for scapes vnknowne . Haedera vinum . CLaudus the Vintner for his wiues sake sels Great store of Wine , and all prouision else : Which to her guests she dearly doth afford , And yet contents them both at bed and board . Vindictum muliebre . SToop foul-mouth'd Malcus , & be whipt a while Art not asham'd to call thy mistris whoore ? And wilt not such presumption reconcile , But vex her with thy vilenesse more and more ? Well : looke she hire not them shall in the darke Pay thee in priuate with a publike marke . Vidua aurata . GAllus hath got a widdow wondrous old , The reason is , he woo'd her for her gold : Knowing her maids are young , and serue for hire , Which is as much as Gallus doth desire . Coacta fiducia . PErfidious Milo liues on trust : t is true ; Of them would hang him could they it eschew Parcus prodigus . HOw comes it Calvus liuing long by vse , Should now in 's latter dayes proue so profuse ? Oh sir , he got it in the times of euill , And now as franke affords it to the Deuill . Posteriora chariora . KIt meeting Kate , cals mouingly to mind , He had not kist her these three months or more And therefore hop't the long remaine behind Might now be had , as kept for him in store : Yes , ( answers Kate ) may that your stomacke ease , As much behind at all times as you please . Foelix infoelicibus . WHat makes Menalchas to become so proud ? Nothing that seems by honest course allow'd Then must it needs be Vice did him aduance , And onely happy is but by mischance . Varietas , iniquitas . MAt will not marry : true , cause ty'd to none , He may haue wēches new , whē th' old are gone Quid fatuis ? DAltus demands to whom I durst commend , Or would deuise to dedicate my Book , Being for Epigrams so poorely penn'd : My answer must be , Prethee ( Dolt ) goe look . Signum saltem . MArke yet how Mopsus at my Verses mewes , See how againe his rotten teeth he shewes : O let him ( if you loue me ) flout his fill , He knowes how to distinguish bad from ill : And though not trained vp in Schooles hath been , Yet keepes of bookes a cart-load to be seene . Indicans-amans . THat Lambo loues good liquor , who denies it , Or will the least in such defence oppose ; But then you 'll yeeld I hope , he deerly buyes it , Witnesse the colour of his ruby nose . Ebrius oblitus . FVcus was foxt last night , but t is conceal'd , And would not for his Office t' were reueal'd . Omnia pariter . RAlph reades a line or two , and then cries mew , Deeming all else according to those few : Thou mightst haue thought , ( & prov'd a wiser lad ) ( As Ioan her puddings boght ) some good , some bad Nil magnis invidia . HOw comes it Caius liues so en●ved at ? Cause started vp ( you 'l say ) to such estate , And but so little learn'd . Well , what of that , Hath he not therefore a more reaching pate ? Yes , and may truly tell them that repine , Caius made Haycocks whiles the Sunne did shine . Vt cecidit surgit . NOw Martha married is , she 'll braue it out , Though ne're so needy knowne to all about . And reason good she rise once in her life , That fell so oft before she was a wife . Tacens cogitans . WHo calls Rebecca whore , shall doe her wrong ▪ Cannot he heare and see , and hold his tongue Anguis in herba . WHat makes young Brutus keepe his bed so long , Not being sick ? pish , come you doe him wrong , To iudge so rashly : t is a deeper cure Then Doctors deale with , which he must endure . Iactans timens . FEll foughten Furio swaggers , swels , and sweares , He 'll pull the stoutst and proudest by the eares : But finding some vnlookt-for opposite , Seemes to admire what humour should incite That which he neere so much as dreamt : who he ? Not for a world ( sir ) in the least degree . Votum violatum . VOtus had vow'd he would doe nothing els But what Necessity perforce compels : And yet so drunke was next day wondred at : Tell me , is there necessity in that ? Propria communis . PRu proues a faire , but not a proper woman , True , for how can she proper be that 's commō ? Sonans , non soluens . T Was much that Mat in musick so excelling , Beyond report of skill by most mens telling , Should amongst all those driblets not defraid , Leaue the poore pudding-wife so long vnpaid . Mercator scortator . DEny 't not ( Lalus ) th' art a secret Letcher , And with thy Trull hast oft bin seen to sport it Hiring some Laundresse or old Nurse to fetch her Vnto thy Garden-house : tut nere retort it : Not all the wares contain'd within thy shop , Can halfe the mouthes of thine accusers stop . Hortus improbus . GVido his garden-house towards the fields , Little for pleasure , least for profit yeelds : And yet to leaue 't twill not his liking sort with , Though but sometimes he begger-wenches sport with . Verbera verbis . COcus pays debts w th words , & blows , & threats For those that trust him not , he soundly beats . Rectius peius . WAT went not well the ready way to worke , That lost all 's coyne at Ticktack th' other day , ( Hauing worse chance then ere had Iew or Turke , ) And yet went Wat the ready way to play . Fortunae obediendum . STrange t was that Ciuis thoght so wōdrous witty , So curious , quaint , and complementall nice , Not to be paralleld throughout the Citie For exquisite behauiour and aduice , Should yet for all those choice perfections rare , Proue himselfe bankrout ere he was aware . Incertam mendacium . SEptimius brags he hoarded hath in store Of bags of mony well neere halfe a score . T is sure of that vncertaine quantitie , As without question a most certaine lye . Profunda Scientia . SAL can by science deep profunditie Force you cry fough : Ieronimo goe by . Aequalis concensus . CAecus and 's Choyce , for change no time defers Both separate , yet consenting each to eyther , He mayds for his turne takes , she men for hers , And so they iump , though seldome ioyne together . Volenti satis . OLd Cambrios wife being newly brought abed ( As luck would haue it ) of a goodly Boy , The hopefull Issue of her mayden-head , And onely Iewell of the fathers ioy : One standing by her , prais'd her Husbands skill , Yes , true quoth she , the Man did his good will. Incognita suadeant . ANna protests she nere had Childe but one , And that by him contracted , should haue bin Her Husband had he liv'd : but dead and gone She scornes be questiond by your proudst of kin . Nupta dignior . MAL hath the mastery of her husband got . True ; much the sooner , cause she loues him not . Optare frustra . THere cannot proue to Claudius such a curse , As still to finde in 's heart , and not in 's purse : But what the Destinies will haue decreed , Must be ( saith Claudius ) wer 't to hang for need . Subito sentiens . ROgerus tells me vpon first of sight , These Rymes of mine too sudden are compos'd Who would haue thoght the fool had iumpt so right Or could so sudden haue the same disclos'd ? Yes why not ( pray ) so sudden in his speeches , As he late suddenly beraid his breeches ? A Cunabilis orta . AMie hath got an itch twice twelue yeares old , Caught at the first she felt it from her mother , Who if a man would hang her cannot hold , So neare they iump for filching like to other . Formosa fragilis . BEsse wins all outward praise can set her forth , But closely trades : then what 's all praises worth ? Fama infamia . WAT hath of women won a wondrous name , How mean you ? wōdrous in the worser sense ? Yes for hee wooes them with that wondrous shame In all his actions worth Sr Reuerence . Nomine , non re . GRace I confesse it , hath a comely face , Good hand and foot as answerable to it : But what 's all this , except she had more grace ? Oh you will say , t is Want that makes her doe it . True , want of grace indeed , the more her shame , Gracelesse by nature : onely Grace by name . Indigens occultans . WHy should the World and Will so disagree , That he so closely sculks , and no man sees . I cannot ghesse the cause , vnlesse it be Long of Long-lane , and want of wonted sees . Vt parta perdita . MArcellus proues a man of double meanes , First rais'd by drunkards , thē vndone by queans Fronte facies . SVsan defies the slaue sayes black 's her eye , And may she on the matter , for t is gray : But Su's a Trull the Towne can testifie , And will be whiles she liues who ere sayes nay . Visum , manifestum . SErvus esteem'd his Mistris passing chaste , And reason then had Servus so t' esteeme her : But Servus since the businesse gins distaste , And is perswaded he did much misdeeme her . For what he sees , besides so often told it , Makes him for truth beleeue she cannot hold it . Nouerint vniuersi . Iack scorns be iealous , shold you nere so moue him Come to his house els any man and proue him : Worthy sayes Iacke cornuted will despayre , That knowes his wiues true cariage to a hayre . Vnus , duplex . DOL brought abed seem'd to her Husband loth He should bid Godfathers and fathers both . Tenebris ignotus . SEcretus walking in vnknowne disguise , By no meanes can endure the candlelight , Not that it proues offensiue to his eyes , But loues vnknowne to drab it late at night . Morans festinans . QVintinius questionlesse was quite belyed , That on the scores reported so did runne , When as ( the businesse plainly verified ) It proues a yeare since most of them begun . So that it must a Paradox bewray Thus fast to run and yet so still to stay . Leuis facilis . TAs bin a Prouerb old , That work proues light Which in performance most of hands can doe But t is to Luce alluded not aright , That makes light worke and puts no hand thereto . Vestitus peritus . CLitus goes oft-times clad in sutes of Scarlet , That else no colour had to play the Varlet . Somnus decipiens . DOd sweetly dreamt this other night had found In gold and silver neere an hundred pound , But waking felt he was with fleas sore bitten , And further smelt he had his shirt be — Suum cuique . A Strange contention being lately had , Which kind of Musicke was the sweetst & best ; Some prais'd the sprightly sound , and some the sad , Some like the Violls ; and among the rest , Some in the Bagpipes commendation spoke , ( Quoth one stood by ) Giue me a pipe of smoke . Stabilis domina . WHat need Bernardus feare of being bang'd By that old Master , knowing wel his dame Who cares not greatly if the Hog were hang'd , Stands twixt them both thogh he nere so to blame Castus stultus . RVth matcht w th Ralph must haue his maidenhead At lest is sure to bring the foole to bed . Vtcunque generosandum . FIe on thee Fabius , one of thy faire meanes And found a bed with filthy Oyster queanes ? Han gt , if thine appetite must needs so hunger , thou mightst haue prou'd more generous a munger . Fronte differentia . HOdge th' art an honest Troian , so is Hugh , Which equall seemes to giue no place to you , Nay rich besides th' art Hodg , and so is Hugh , Then where 's the difference pray twixt him & you ? Harke , th' art a cuckold Hodg , so is not Hugh , And there 's the very oddes twixt him and you . Quater insaniuimus . FRanciscus feasts it foure times euery yeare , Vpon the getting of his quarters fees , Which bounteously he spends as doth appeare , And three months after feeds on bread and cheese . Laetior notior . SIlus seemes sad though there 's no cause wherfor For being mery would proue foole much more . Emptum permanens . WHat need had Gregory more to vnderstand , Thē should concern him to subscribe his had So long 's his grandsires plow at first had wrought it And his dads money now so dearly bought it . Imperans impotens . MVch had Montanus need be wise , and fearing In case of conscience what 's fit to doe , That iustice giues for peace and good abearing , And nere yet learn'd the rules belongs thereto . Yes ; has the Statutes and those Precedents Which mens obiections many a one preuents . Alit credulitas . GAlfridus well preoccupates betimes , I tax not him in any of my rimes : And wiser he to liue without suspition , Are there not Drunkards more of his condition ? Nasus indicans . DAcus with Surgeons deales , but what of that ? Tax him who will , he 'll beare a nose that 's flat . Ingeniosa , lasciua . KAte ( I confesse it ) hath a ready wit , But such a fault as much confoundeth it : For as she 's iesting when the fit comes on her , So suffers she men iest too much vpon her . Pulchra periculosa . WHo sees Sabinas outside but will say , She 's most exceeding modest , yong & fair , For nought those paintings doe her looks bewray , Or is discern'd her eye-browes want of haire : Much lesse describes her Alablaster skin , How rotten and corrupt she is within . Surgens prostrata . ASk Lettice where she lyes ; she 'll say in Towne , But ( Lettice ) whereabouts ? faith vp and down True : I beleeu 't , for since thou knewst the towne , Thy dealings euer haue beene vp and downe . Agilis inculpabilis . PRiss dares pronounce her actions yet in prime , Cannot approue her Bawd before her time . Socius ad scaelera . A Health sayes Lucas to his loues bright eye , Which not to pledge were much indignity , You cannot doe him greater courtesie , Then to be drunke and damn'd for company . Quis ego , &c. RVfus in rage the Pots flings downe the staires , And threats to pull the drawer by the eares , For giuing such attendance : slaue sayes he Where 's thine obseruance : Ha ? must such as we Be no more waited on ? go ; bring to pay , And keepe my Rapier till I come this way . Pudet sui . WHat made braue Brusus shift his dwelling place Where he so seem'd to flourish but of late : Harke in your eare : He dares not show his face , Since he was burd'ned so for stealing Plate . Secreta necessitas . WHat makes F.G. weare still one paire of Hose . Ask Banks the Broker ; he the busi●es knows . Dirigens Diabolus . WHo sees proud Lucius mounted thus aloft , But may admire how much the times haue wrought Only this mischiefe certain still remains , Whiles Lucius rides , the Deuill directs the raynes . Novus ortus , &c. FRō cart to court on cockhorse Caius vaūts him In that aspiring pomp as doth surpasse , But here 's the plaguie spite , his kindred haunts him , And tels the kitchin-groomes whose son he was : But what shold that ( proud Caius ) need dismay thee When better then thy selfe thou seest obey thee ? Ignotus sibi . FAstidius finds it , Nimis vltra posse , How to distinguish of Teipsum nosce : I doe not maruell much it should be so , For why the Coxcomb will himselfe not know . Vt Pluma persona . WHy weares Laurentius such a lofty fether ? Because he 's proud & foolish both together . Audax mendax . NAnus would proue an Epigrammatist , Who vaunting much on termes of had-I-wist , Said ( vncontroull'd ) He more then I had wrote : But I as bold , gaue him the lye in 's throat . Spernendura vulgus . WHat tell ye me of Epigrammicke toyes , ( Sayes Signior Sotus ) fitter stuffe for boyes : So much he 's vext at any mans inuention , Which to his vnderstanding makes no mention : Who would be mou'd with those so poore disgraces Grown from such grooms , not spitting in their faces Inexorabilis vxor . BEN cowardly to blame ▪ his wife beseeches She would but hold her hands , & take the breeches Who scorning least his words to think vpon , The more he begs , the more she layes him on . Postrema pessima . CAcus in 's cunning nere so prov'd o're-retcht , As now at last , who must be halterstretcht . Moriturus ante paraturus . SIl cannot sleepe at nights , and wote you why ? Not that he meditates on least good action , But onely knowing that the slaue must dye , Who to the world hath made no satisfaction . Tandem Diabolo . TEll me Maximius , ( prethee ) why dost liue , Still to enioy this earthly habitation ? And nere cast vp th' account which thou must giue For such thy wealths abusiue vsurpation ? What doe thy Doctors longer seeke to saue thee , But for thy money till the Deuill must haue thee . Nil pocula . DIcke in a day can purchase more with 's pen , Then Iane his wife by all those Gentlemen That drink Tobacco in his house at large , But that ( sayes Dicke ) will not the rent discharge . Vt vixit morietur . QVintus to make his will be'ng late requested , Refusde it , saying , He would die detested . Dedicus durabile . HAd Dru but drunk been vaine t 'had prou'd to write out Being a subiect of so poore a strain , But Dru berayd himselfe , there grew the spite out Such as he ne're could since make cleane againe . Pestis ineuitabilis . ZFut say , could Saltus more then pawn his sword To Ralph the Cobler for those russet shooes ; And yet the scoundrell would not take his word , But must you see his reputation lose ? Nor was it that which halfe so much had shamde him , Had not the rascall fore his Mistresse namde him . Obligatio terribilis . MAt that stood musing on the Scriueners band Thought with himselfe dooms day was ne're at hand , Till entring on discourse of further reason Knew then the times compeld him out of season . Carne carnifici . HVgo for Venison hot , the Side or Hanch , Ventures his necke assone as for a wench . Timidus astutus . SEE how submissiue Faunus greets his foe , With cap and knee ; would you the reason know He hath so oft been knockt , as now he feares , There 's no euasion for his Asses eares . Expertus Mendicus . T Is much that Nath , who can so well indite , Can so exactly play vpon the Lute , Can so familiarly both talke and write , And can in Latine pro et con dispute , Should yet for all those Cans of skill so deere . Not able purchase him one Can of Beere . Al●a , vina , &c. IF Signeor Gallus by his weekely gaine , Could house , & horse , & Hauke , & hound maintaine How should he now become so poore a scabb , Surely by Dice , or drinke , or Doll that Drabb . Magnus minimis . DAcus hath beene in 's dayes a man of note , Onely for wenching , nothing else I wote . Mutata casualia . YOung Lanus loues to haunt such Ordinarie Where he hath most been heretofore vnknown That on his backe he some old cloak may cary There to exchange for better then his owne . Elatus humilis . WHy asks sir Lewes where Mrs Lucresse lyes ? Or wherefore she so oft her lodging shifts , But that he would be leud ? let it suffice , Your men ( sir Lewes ) too much perceiue your drifts : Who still are told ( how ere your greatnes swaggers ) That you too bold haue bin to blame with beggers . Debitum triennium . GOod cause had Gluto for himselfe to say , Shall not these glories last but for a day ? Whose weeds which at St Georges feast he wore , Haue not these three years scapt the Mercers score . Ecce signum . WOuld any man make question Phil's not faire , Let him but look else on her yellow hayre . Constans , implacabilis . PRay vrge not Romulus to take a wife , That hath so vow'd it , you 'll but vex him more , Therefore desist , and moue him not to strife , That is ( you see ) so constant to his — Videremur tamen . CResus would seem to haue his conscience clear From touch or blemish of the worlds suspition But tell me ( Cresus ) how can that appeare , When all that see thee know thy lewd condition , How true a villaine from thine infancy Thou hast beene , art , and so intendst to die . Vere & Hyeme . OFt haue I studied and much wondred what Makes Franke ( so feeding ) look so lean withall ; Pox , now I thinke on t , t is no more but that Old griefe you wote of comes at Spring and fall . Brevius gratius . BVt that to write thus briefly I propos'd , ( clos'd Thou hadst beene ( Francus ) more at large dis - Communia vilia . CAll Parnel punck , albeit the cause you show not , Or instance therto do alledg not any . Thus answers she , pray tell me what I know not , For this too oft times hath been told by many . Veritas nuda . RAchel translated in her Ruffe of yellow , To change that habit swears she 'le not endure it Though ne're so flouted by each filthy fellow , Not that her gettings can so well procure it : But to speake freely gainst all taunts and checks , Rachel indeed hath no more Ruffes then necks . Non redimens egens . IOane to redeeme the times perforce is drawne , But cannot yet redeeme her rags from pawne : Which is the cause her gaines no more arises , But must needs yeeld to such poore petty prizes . Intus occultum . SVe cannot soundly be to loue allured , True , till in time she of the P. be cured . Facies ignota . WHy should not Rubin rich apparell weare , That 's left more mony then an Asse can bear ▪ Can any guesse him by his outward guise , But that he may be generous and wise ? Sciens nesciens . COsmus by custome taunts each man , And yet can nought of reason skan , How can that be , when who knowes least Knowes he should wise be that will ieast : Then thus , no further I allow , That Cosmus knowes , but knowes not how . Histrio-Poeta . TVrnus hath got an itch in Poetry , And for that cause haunts Players company , As cast-off-Chambermaids conuert to Drabs , So may his itch in time break out to scabs . Capax incopabilis . PRodus in 's office proues no cunning Scribe , Yet hath he cunning learnt to take a bribe . Certa dissimulans . MOunsier Pieros wife trades all in French , And coyly simpring cryes Pardona moy . As who should thinke shee s sure no common wēch But a most true dissembler par mafoy . Sperans vtcumque PRu that by mariage ment herselfe t' aduance , Is now compeld by that vnlucky chance , Left by her Lord who no amends would make , To match thus as you see for fashion sake . But time she doubts not will ere long procure it , ( As were she laid once ) thinke you shee le endure it ? Ignis et aqua . TRollus Tobacco vowes will ne're forsake , Nor wenching , carelesse wch for cost's the greater Th' one for a cooler forst ( sayes ) needs must take , Th' other appeares ( it seems ) too sore a heater . Multorum nullus . ROse in her reckoning hath so ouer gone it , As whō to name she now no more thinks on it . Vt Corvus Ovum . PArvus that Pettilogger term'd to be , Not getting in a Tearme an honest fee , Picks that dependance gratis from his Daughter , Which she affords him by a trick that 's taught her . Expertus certus . GRunto would proue a scurvy Divinator , Able of times fore-seeing dangers tell : Who hauing beene an ancient Fornicator , With that too late infectious feeling Nell , Is now resolv'd past help of cordiall food , No Doctors skill will henceforth doe him good . Astutus Vrbanus . POnd paid not lesse then twenty to the pound , that late thrice bankrout was . How may that be ? Yes , by a cunning fraud , no more was found To giue , but seuen to each . The more knaue he . Dubium indubitatum SAy Parnels children proue not one like th' other , The best is yet shee 's sure th 'ad all one Mother . Vivens mortuis . WHat makes yong Brutus bear so high his head And on the sudden gallant it so braue ? Pray vnderstand sir's father's newly dead , Who hath so long beene wisht for laid in 's graue ▪ Inexorabilis inops . BRaue Captaine Medon can no more endure To liue in England , then to brooke the lye : Pox of perswasions , can they him allure From furthest parts , where he must liue and dye ? Vrge it no more I tell you , t will but grieue him , For here no longer may his friends relieue him . Necessi●●ti obediendum . BEttrice defies him basest of condition , Durst least but crosse her humors disposition ▪ And that the Hold-my-staffe her husband knowes , Who Spaniell-like stoopes still at her dispose . Clamans Asinus . WHo sayes Tom Tipstaffe is no man of calling , Can any Cryer at Sessions be more bauling ? Vivens pictura . LIncus the Painter limms vnto the life , All sorts of features , sauing Ioane his wife ▪ Of whom ( saith Lincus ) it s not questioned , Why she so liuing , should be limbd : but dead . Sapiens natura . SHould Planus know more terms or trickes of art , Then have beene still observ'd by imitation , Bred as you see him bluntly , for his part , According to the home-spun country fashion : Yet by your leaue , although vnlearn'd in Schoole , Planus may passe for no such common — Notum , frustra . RVfus I le ryme vpon thee whiles I liue , And yet no notice to thy neighbours giue ; That can decypher thee in other fashion Then shall my Penn by ryming make relation . Periens spernens . ASk not why Priss no more with plumes adorns it , Shee 's grown so poore a — sir as she scornes it . Dupliciter parta . MArk but how vpstart yong Mercutio iets it : Wold not a man much wōder how he gets it ? Faith by no cunning or inuentions fraud . His Mother 's partly Broker , partly B — Veritas coacta . YOung Prodigus to blame rebuk'd his Page , Because his tarying had so long been such . Who boldly told the truth spite of his rage : Which was , The Broker would not lend so much . Wherein had Prodigus beene more aduis'd , The standers by had not so much surmis'd . Spe deterior . SEE how the Fates gainst Spruso had compacted , That to so rich a wife , but new contracted , Must meet so iump that scuruy Execution , Which since hath prov'd his vtter dissolution . Sero revocabile . IF Turnus now were free as erst from matching , He nere would subiect be to wiues for scratching . Coactus fur . MArke for a word mistaking of but stand , That shold in stead therof haue said good morrow Hath ( past all helpe ) bin twice burnt in the hand , Lōg of such will not lēd when Mark wold borrow . Tunica sempiterna . KIT cannot yet his mourning cloake giue ore , Which he procur'd the last great Funerall : And swore so long since he would weare no more , On best intreats or tearmes conditionall . Pish , come you might those flowting iests for beare , Knowing he hath no other cloake to weare . Perfidus odiosus . HOw durst Iustinius of his Mistresse blab , That he hath seen or known she plaid the drab Worthy to fast , or pine through penury , Could fare so well , and needs must roast-meat cry . Certus furtis . CLem would be prais'd for constancy in dealing , A constant theefe ( t is true ) onely for stealing . Sperando periens . HOdg hyr'd him such a house , at such a rent , As might gainst mariage much his state augment But lingring Fates did so his hopes preuent , As Hodg perforce must flye , for all was spent . Vxor evertens . WHat cause hath Phaedra ( sayes she ) so to feare The poore aspersions of the viler sort , Admit her husband late a bankrout were , Must she disparag'd be by such report ? Yes certaine ( Phaedra ) for that halfe Cheap-side Knowes you procur'd it by your whorish pride . Sitiens dissimulans . DOd drinks not but at meals , & why d' ye think ? Not that he sparing is or loath to pay , But meerly and indeed for want of Chink , Which is the cause makes Dod goe dry away . Domina praedominans . ILL may Radulphus boast of rule or riches , That lets his wife rule him , & weare the breeches . Inexpectatum datum . WHat should leane Trocus with fat Tom contēd Which to the flesh might least addicted be , Who growne so grosse may thus himselfe defend , He seekes for that which freely's giuen to thee . Pergens pendens . RAlph grown outragious , railes vpon my rimes , Which by no meanes his malice can endure , But cals them scums , and riff-raffes of the times ; ( Onely to keep his poysnous tongue in vre ) Doe Ralph , deuise what worse thou canst intend , That done , goe hang thy selfe , and there 's an end . Parcus profusus . OLd doting Claudus that rich Miser knowne , Made drunk one night , and iumbling but with Ioane , Was forst not onely to discharge the shot , But keepe the Bastard which the Gull nere got . Calce ornatus . WHy weares young Iockie such a jinling spur ? Oh sir , he deales with Iades that wil not stur Asinus transmarinas . PRomus the Puritaine no longer feares The worst of menacing his Asses eares : For spite ( saith he ) of threats or Epigram , T is but remouing hence to Amsterdam . Casus mutatus . HOw dare you talke of Tassus whence he sprung Admit perhaps descended from the dung , Who knowes not , or might know , what 's then was than , Tassus is now ( you see ) another man , Able the proudest of those lads controule , That whilome durst affront him cheeke by ioule . Proficiat , &c. IF iealous Cosmus will be such a child , As causelesse needs assume these lines vnto him , I can but shew my selfe true reconcil'd , Or els must wish that they much good may do him . Instabilis stans . MAT being drunken much his anger wreakes On 's wife ; but stands to nothing that he speaks Reus sine re . WHy shold poor Humphry walking but to 〈◊〉 With Collins daughter be condemned so , As to be said was closely taken napping , Who did but kisse her , and so let her goe . Tunc tua res agitur . A Iealous Merchant , that a Sailer met , Askt him the reason why he meant to marry , Knowing what ill their absence might beget , That long at Sea constrained are to tarry . Sir ( quoth the Sailor ) make you that so strange ? It s done the time while you but walk th' Exchange . Fortiferendum . SAy prethee ( Lusco ) where didst lodge last night ? Hark in thine eare , ( Haue I not hit it right . ) Come come , confesse . Better then thou or I Haue on the Hay-loft oft beene forst to lye . Ignotus Asinus . NAnus at Noddy least in any sort Desires to play , but loues to see the sport . Vltimum capistrum . BArtellus bragging how he liu'd by 's wit , And nere was yet for least offence committed , Is now past hope , there 's nought can him acquit , But must at last be needs for Tiburne fitted . Alius , altior . WOuld you with Caius offer now confer In such familiar sort as heretofore ? And not obserue he 's growne an Officer , That lookes for adoration ten times more ? Tut , what of pedegree , or turpe domo , T is not so now you see ; nam ecce homo . Filius matris . WHat lets thee ( Ionathan ) thou shouldst not be As honest as thy father ? Say , was he So great a wencher ? sure I take it not , And yet he ambling , might thy mother trot . Silons simplex . WIll would seeme wise , & many words let pass , Speaking but little cause he 's such an — Videat taceat . DRusus not deignes the least of retrospect On these rude rimes , he doth so much reiect Whether more strange I know not , or vnkind , But Drusus feares he here himselfe doth find . Infundo cineres . STrāge was it ( Mun ) thy mother broght forth thee Mongst all her children so deform'd a creature , For how indeed can it but wondred be , That she so faire , thou shouldst be of that feature : The reason may be thus ( if not too grosse ) There was no mettall left besides the drosse . Bonum pro male . PArnel in publike questioning my name , Sayes in her anger she has done with me : But I le not be reueng'd so much for shame , To tell the world what I haue done with thee . Empta nostra . MAdam la Foy weares not those locks for nought Ask at the shop else where the same she bought Vt caput crimina . OF thee Sir Miles too much cannot be said , For medling with black Besse the kitchin maid No more those dealings are discernd of late , Then is that periwig vpon thy pate . Dubiens decipiens . WHy should young Lelio think I loue him not , Or with the least of iealousie suppose , These Rymes of mine so rude and mis-begot , Should like strong mustard take him by the nose : Sure there 's some matter in 't which makes him doubt , He such a stinckard should be so smelt out . Vtcunque superbus . PRoud Celso knowes since his aspiring state , That those who fear him most , do most him hate Yet scornes to take it least for counter-checke , Though change hereafter chance to break his neck . Principia sordida . BAssus of lands good store , and leases , farmes , whose mother milkpails bore ere he bore armes Experto credendum . HOw durst Capritius call his wedlock whore , But that he speakes it plus quam per narratum , Nam ipso teste : what require you more , Vnlesse you 'ld haue it magis approbatum . Tandem vlciscatur . HOw durst you call in question mistris Maud , Because her name a little was disgrac'd ? Put case her mother prov'd a kind of B. Must that conclude her ere the more vnchast ? Wel , luck ( she doubts not ) but may one day lend her To find that flat-cap out which shall defend her . Vt freta , fortuna . ASk Dacus how his luck at dicing goes , Like to the Tide ( saith he ) it ebbs and flowes ; Then I suppose the same cannot be good , For all men knows t is longer ebbe then flood . Pecunia praevalens . TEll Tom of Platoes worth , or Aristotles ? Hang 't , giue him wealth enough , let wit stop botles Ortus indicans . DEriue thy pedegre . ( Hugh ) nere so high From great Cadwallider , or Brutus sonne , Thou canst not blaze it from true Heraldry , But wilt a Bastard proue when all is done . Admiretur vulgus . MAgus a man of artificiall trade , Most confident beleeues , and will auerre , These Epigrams of mine are meant and made By persons knowne , in each particuler : Come ( Magus ) thou hast borne a iealous head Ere since thy wife was found with one a bed . Eadem cupiens . MAria meanes to match with such a mome , As shall not tax her in the least behauour , Neither for matters past , nor what 's to come : Prouided , y' are a queane ( Mal ) by your fauour . Porcis proclivis . PRiscilla proues to pigs flesh much inclin'd , Doubtlesse descended from some hoggish kind . Debitum consuetum . TIb scornes be taxt for dearnesse in her trade , That takes for hire but as your Hackney Iade , Prouided you depart ere candle-light , Or pay her double , if you stay all night . Vestigia matris . THat Tom'sin's turn'd true trul who would beleeue Or to those outward looks least credit giue , That not attaind to yet full fourteene yeeres , So duly drabs it , drinkes , and don●●neers ; Acting her Mothers steps , as on a stage , Who had a Bastard iust about that age . Patientia inimica . PRu that had patience to haue borne with any , And lou'd plain dealing , witness al that knows her Is now vndone , by braving one to many : So that you see plaine-dealing ouer-throwes her . Vt cornua crines . MAt will maintain , that horns and hory haires come by haphazard , much more thē by yeres Inuita chasta . MIldred from mariage meanes her selfe abiure ; For certaine reasons she 's asham'd to speake , And which remedilesse she cannot cure , Lesse able hold but needs perforce must I — Verbum sat . BE prouder still ( young Spruso ) spite of foes ; What ? pull thy selfe already by the nose ? As if some fatall Oracle foretold , Thou hast too long beene malepertly bold : Well : take it then , and thankfull goe thy way , Thou knowst well ( Spruso ) what I worse could say Eques Solis . SIr Sol can dance , and turne , and stoutly eat , But cannot foole halfe well to earne his meat , Plead almes ( Sir Sol ) where thou maist get a dinner Or starue thy selfe , thou canst not look more thinner Trahens officina . SArdinios wife Tobacco sells for fashion , But keepes a house of other occupation . Facile responsum . LVscus that lately so much brawne did eate , Was told by him that gaue it ; You friend mine Know you what longeth to such kind of meat ? Yes ( sir ) quoth he , a cup of Muscadine . Stolidus stolidior . A Booke of Epigrams , and made by me ? It s some sweet stuffe , dares William warrant ye Who nere least meddles or will haue to doe With what opinion leads him not vnto : But William seem'd not well to vnderstand , When 's wife was purchas'd at the second hand . Patiens armatus . EGidius will proue patient spite of fortune , Let worst of chāce him nere so much importune He 'll be the same in losing as in winning , A patient C — from the first beginning . Tandem manifestum . KAth'rine that hid those candles out of sight , Might well conceiue they 'll come at length to light . Veritas subverta . LVke that a man on horse-backe met but late , Would simply seeme thus to equiuocate , And strōg maintain gainst who cōtend should dare T was meerly but a Taylor and a Mare . Haec fabula non . Acteon-like keepes Hounds to hunt , Not to be puld downe as Acteon was : That were a businesse would appeare too blunt , By Poets fain'd , but nere seene come to passe : Th' one of Diana ancient stories tell , Th' other of Anne his wife is knowne too well . Canis ad vomitum . LAmpus that left his lowzy occupation , And liues now ( as you see ) in other fashion : Must yet resume his natures former habit , Which either vseth to be drunk , or drab it . Ebria , prostrata . FRancke at first motion no mans face endures , But being drunke , she 's then for euer yours . Stabilis fiducia . QVintus will needs be knowne a man of trust That stands vpon his credit firme and iust . Indeed I oft haue heard the Chandler talke , How firme his credit stands vpon the chalke . Empta poenitentia . IAcke to his Iug in feeling passion swore , He would approue her a polluted — Whose tempting outward looks , & borrowed locks , And inwardly defil'd , giuen him the — Thou ly'st ( quoth Iug ) t was what thy mony bought How deare so ere thou paidst , I gaue thee nought . Non omnibus dormiens . SAy Mal be but a Chambermaid , what then ? Must she proue packhorse for all kind of men ? Yes more then time they think her as their owne : Alas her cariage hath beene too well knowne . Fragilis , Lubrica . SIb much disdaines the world should find her slip , But ( Sib ) t is knowne who had you on the hip . Satis optasse . OLd Limpus faine would liue & see good daies , Fully attain'd to threescore yeares and ten , Who though from wenching much his strength decayes Yet has he will as well as youngest men . Sublimis prostratus . MOunseur Lorenzo since his office lost , Wherein of late he liu'd a great Comander , Walkes discontented like the angry ghost Of proud Tarquinius , or Pope Alexander : Whom Fates enuying should so domineere , Haue flung downe headlong with a full carere . Quae data , nostra . BRutus cōplain'd his wife did nought him bring Or since her mariage gaue him any thing : To whom ( quoth she ) y' are much to blame to braul , Bring I not boyes without your helpe at all ? Citò benè . SIr Iohn at Mattins prayes he might dispatch , Who by true promise is to bowle a match . Nocte latent mendae . THat Susans ruffes and cuffes should so much cost , Hauing but two poore lockram smockes at most , It s much admir'd ; but that the one in sight , Obscures the other best by candle-light . Caeca ad scaelera . NIsa that from her window glaunst her eyes , Saw Mopsus come as fast as foot could trot : For ioy whereof , vpon her bed she lyes , ( As who should thinke she slept and saw him not ) T was strange ( me thought ) vnlesse she meant herein Her eyes should not be open to her sinne . Tandem solutus . ASk swaggering Sulmo why no debts he 'll pay , His answer is , Things must be as they may : Let Bils or Nouerints sink ( saith he ) or swim , H'ell not his Laundresse pay : But she payd him . Infirmis animosus . POntus by no meanes from his coyne departs , Zfut will ye haue of men more then their harts ? Vxor superior . WHē Nau finds Nicholas drunk she straight cornutes him , Nor from her scolding in an houre can cease : But if Nick call her Punk her words confutes him , So that the Cockscomb's forst to hold his peace . Antonius Philosophus . OLd Clerco sues for pension of the State , For it he pleads the wit he sometime had , Who though he haue a flawed riuen pate , Yet will not I ( as others ) call him mad , Nor pull his beard , nor vse him like a sot , This is the onely cause he loues me not . Longius pro lucro . GOe follow Lucius a far off thy Lord , What thogh thy place be not to speak a word Yet for a silent Pander proud maist be , His Lordship deignes to make that vse of thee . Equus peritior . GIll by his Gelding drowning scap't perforce , Who reason had to say , Gramarcy horse . Primus vel proximus . DIck's not in town when 's wife is broght in bed But might no doubt be when she first was sped Vsus natura . TRistram Tobacco takes in 's bed till noone , Then rising dines , drinks drunk , & fals to dice , Sweares he 'll not budge till all be lost or won : Sees next a Play , or Kate his Cockatrice : Sups at some Bawdy house , and Panders meets , That picks his pockets , as he 's homewards led : Cals thē a thousand rogues : reels throgh the streets , Drinks more Tobacco , spues , and goes to bed . Diues-scurra . DRu dares good men depraue because he 's rich , Whether more fool or knaue I know not w th . Sat fuisse . THogh Steel for strēgth hath lōg since spent his prime Yet was a man of mettall in his time . Mutatus , alius . YOung Signior Spruso scorning late conuerse With men of vulgar trade , or meane commerse , Scorning to lodge but on a bed of Downe , Scorning your Innes of common country towne , Scorning but on best delicates to feed , Yea scorning almost , any thing indeed : Now poore and prostitute , you may beleeue him , In Wood-street Cōpter , scorns no alms you 'l giue him Edens vomens . CAcus that sups so duely at the Rose , Casts vp the reckning truly ere he goes . Citius soluendum . TRocus his Tenants will no more pay rent , Till for their Wiues he first giue them content : It 's reason Trocus without coyne disbursing , Get them with child and nere allow for nursing ? Suumcuique . HAng 't tell not me quoth Pontus what I owe , Nor what I spend , nor what I meane to pay , So little cares he what the vulgar know , Or can reueale : Things must be as they may , Let slanes infer the worst they can vpon 't , His Dol's his Dol and there 's the humor on 't . Infirmis experientia . OLd Strato stands vpon his tackling stout , He can as well as erst he could hold out : To whom quoth Ioane his wife , men laugh that win , T is knowne you cannot halfe so well hold in . Magnus statura . LVscus for largenesse of his limbs and bone , At grasse time next growes vp to twenty one , In Zoylum . ZOylus , I heare you take my Rimes in snuffe , Cry fie , 't is Ribaldry , or some such stuffe : But Zoylus know , I scorne to deale with you . He writes foule stuffe , that treats of your base crew . Cupiens culpare , nescit . DOrus disdaines these Epigrams I make , Saying they sauor not of ought that 's in them : Nay , which is more then that , hee 'll vndertake They are but stinking-stuffe ere you begin them : And yet before ( quoth he ) they sauour'd not : See how the buzzard talkes he knowes not what . Vera filia Patris . WHy striues yong Galatea for the wall ? If needs you 'll know the cause ( qd . one ) you shall : Her Father was a Mason , and they say It makes her Ladiship leane much that way . Sero sapimus . LVke that on Latine lately scorn'd to looke , Wold now read English might he haue his book Iactans pediculosus . MAtho from Sea hath such a purchase brought , As is not frequent , or of each man bought . Which to divulgate Matho proues not nice . Nothing else ( damne him ) but outlandish lice . Adnioniti foeliciores . MAtura weary of the Country life , complains her husband nere to London brought her ▪ That hath this twelue month prou'd his honest wife And not consented scarce to one that fought her . But bids him roundly herewith looke vnto 't Be he a Tinker , next that comes shall doe 't . Tonsores pauperiores . CVtbert admires how Lawyers get so much , And that his commings in should not be such , Who hath beene knowne a poler and a shauer These forty yeares , yet nere could proue a sauer . Ferendo feruens . MVch moues not Mal , but let the quean be mou'd Hee 'l find she 's hot that hath her next approu'd . Fatales Poetae . WItches & Poets coimbrace like fate Reputed base , bare , poore , vnfortunate , In these respects I may my selfe intrude , Among the Poets thickest multitude . Materia pro forma . LVcina hath a loue whose name is Goose , A proper lad , well borne , and wondrous spruce , She likes the man , but cannot brooke his name . If that be all ( sweet Lucr ) you are to blame , The man you may commit into your hands , For why the Babes he gets may proue all swans . Admonita peior . PRiss dares thus plainely to the world appeale , Since women that deale plaine are balladizd , Shee le with the world no longer plainly deale , Or mongst plaine dealing people be comprizd . Triamala . THe Whore , Tobacco and strong waters meet , Like three grand Plagues almost in euery street . Vsus promptos facit . Raechel at first would raile vpon her man , That scarce at first could bear himself before her : Nor almost which way looke or hold her Fan , But now ( thanks Fortune ) finely can come o're her . Secreta nobis . TAssus from Temple-Stayres by water goes To Westminster , and backe to Temple rowes : Belike he loues not trot too much the street , Or surbait on the stones his tender feet : Tut come , there 's something in 't must not be known But Sir , beleeue 't , The debt is not his owne . Plus Canis ictus amat . CReta that closely could her secrets couer , Fain'd to be iealous of her loathed Spouse ; Which he beleeu'd ( God wot ) & more did loue her Presuming , London not her like allowes . Well , goe thy wayes ( thought I ) hold on thy trade , Th art euen the truest he whom God nere made . Laudes cum labe . CAius commends his Mistris many wayes , To be the mirror of admired praise : Wer 't not for two foule reasons that ensue , Shee 's sometimes drunke , and playes the W. Nequicquam verba . WIll wooes his wench with words of Eloquence , Praying he might her corps enthalamize : And of his loue impart that influence , Which with her liking best may simpathize . She , who regardlesse at his speech doth spurne , Saith ; T is not words of Art must serue her turne . Tandem possimus . ZAnthus was zealous bent , but could not please His Lady Mistresse , he so long had serued : Nor by his best attendance once , but ease Or stay his stomacke , if he should haue starued . Till forst with Famine , found her in that snare , Which since to silence Zanthus takes his share . Viuit et edat . WHen Gluto goes to dine at th' Ordinarie , To stay his stomack eates a crust & drinks : Then calls for victuals , sweares he cannot tary , Which till it comes , a moneth each minute thinks : Then sits him downe , and takes the highest place , Puts salt on 's Trencher , cuts a loafe in twaine , And nere remembers ought of saying Grace , The sight of meat so captiuates his braine : Whereto he lurching , so about him layes , As must suffice him for at least two dayes . Patientia Vindicta . CVcullus euermore will cary sway Ouer his wife in strangers company : And on her lips his loathed fingers lay , Which patient she puts vp in policy : But with herselfe resolu'd in secret vowes , To pay him next day soundly on the browes . Caelat sua crimina Sanctis . CVrta hath now no coulour or inuasion , To meet or frolicke as time late permitted , Because her husband barres vp all occasion , That for such pleasures and aduantage fitted : Keepes her from going to her childe at nurse , Denyes accesse vnto her Garden-house : For which she giues him many a bitter curse , And sweares , she not esteemes his threats a Louse . The best escape her cunning can deuise , Is once a weeke to Blacke-Fryers exercise . Curanda praesentia . LEttice that late was so resolu'd to marry , On more aduice wil now this twelue month tary How should she sooner else indeed dispose Of the yong Bastard where withall she goes . Mutuans Meretrix . WHen Dol wants money she desires to borrow No more then ( damne her ) shee le repay tomorrow Citius matura . MAdge at fifteen a mayd ? should men abhor her she vows & swears it , t were but fitting for her Perditum tempus . VIncent hath wrung the wooll of his inuention , And cannot find least liquid substance left , That to succeeding hopes makes further mention , So barren are his braines of sense bereft : And which is worse , t was to haue paid the score For meat and drinke he to so many owes , That henceforth vows to credit him no more : Then how to shift full little Vincent knowes : But must despairing , raile vpon the Muses , That of his time hath made no better vses . Vxor fortier . WIll by the wars would seeme a dominierer , But An his wife hath bin the Ancient-bearer Merxconcelata . COdrus at Christmas casts vp his accounts , What he hath clearly got the yeere before , But neuer notes what 's wiues receipts amounts , Which valued would arise to ten times more . Indeed his wares in open shop were sold , Whiles she scarce hers in priuate durst vnfold . HOw much might men commend the worth of those , That well could pen their Epigrams in prose , For many Rimes roue oft so far from reason , As but of times consisting are , not season . Ad Momum . MAist thou nere read my lines , or hear them read , Or see them ( Momus ) for I wish thee dead . Coacta ferenda . THese Rimes you see , vnknown , compos'd , conceall'd , Had nere by me beene showne , disclos'd , reueald , Much lesse at latter Lammas past in print , Had not some secret reason since beene in 't : Which volens nolens caus'd me afterwards Shuffle againe , and deale about the Cards . EPITAPHS . On M. Thomas Fitton , and his wife Winifred . ON fat Tom Fitton , and his leane wife Win , May thus be written , Here lyes thick and thin . On a faire young Maid . BEhold here Time inters , who would not spare those cornly corps of hers , which worms must share On Edward Alcocke . CAuse of the dead nought must be said but good T is well for Ned that nought be vnderstood . On Iohn Garret . GOne is Iohn Garret , who to all mens thinking , For loue to claret , kil'd himself with drinking . On Mistris Bonner . WHiles Mrs . Bonner , dressing was her head , Death stole vpon her , & so strook her dead . On Thom. Cromwell . HEre lyes Tom. Cromwell , did much mony spend Louing a Bom well to his latest end . On Gregory the Drawer . GReg. laid in 's graue , who cā but deep deplore it That so much liquor gaue , & scorn'd to score it On Kate Hill. HEre lies a Maid whom men call'd Katherin Hil That true was said , dy'd much against her wil. On a poore Fidler . DEad was that Fidler found the fifth of Iune , whose thē sweet musicks foūd wēt out of tune . On a rich Tanner . HEre buried now you see our brother Tanner , Whose skin must curried be in other manner . On a Gardner . THose fragrant Roses on thy coffin spred , Thy corps incloses with thee ( liuing ) dead . On a Gallant . WHo cloth of Tissue wore , here flat doth lye , Hauing no Issue , more then that in 's thigh . On a Cobler . SEe how pale death , which no man may withstand , Hath stopt his breath was on the mending hand . On a Ioyner . LO here from strife rests honest Iohn our Ioyner , Who all his life was neuer knowne purloener . On a Player . HE that on stages oft-times iesting plaid , To after ages hath now earnest payd , On a proud rich man. HE that so proud late liu'd , and spar'd no cost In lockram shroud lies buried in the frost . On a Traueller . WHo traueld oft from countries east and west , Still gaining nought , now rich at length doth rest . On Iohn West . HEre lyes Iohn West , who wearied with a wife , For quiet rest , desir'd to end his life . On George Rust. RVst laid in dust , see how his son is rais'd , That liu'd on trust till now , the Lord be praisd . On old Ralph . OLd Ralph bereft of this life transitory , The world hath left , which made him wondrous sory . On a Porter . THou from a Porters trade ( bearing ) we see , Hast other Porters made by bearing thee . On a Waterman . HEre sleeps Will Slater , who by deaths command , Hath left the water , to possesse the land . On a great personage . LO here 's his greatnesse laid , which whiles it stood Was seldome seen or said did any good . On a Taylor . CRuell was Atropos to cut his threds , Made garments fit for those , now turn'd to shreds . On Dol Prowt . HEre lyes Dol Prowt , whose dayes ( left death should wrong her , ) Were so worne out , as she could liue no longer . On Stephen Spooner . DEath hath time borrowed of our neighbour Spooner , Whose wife much sorrowed that he dy'd no sooner . On Iohn Long. HEre sleeps I. Long , who liu'd till Newyears tide Full fourscore strong , but then fell sick & dy'd . On a Bellowes maker . WHo so much breath to others daily sold , For want of breath , no longer life can hold . On a Welchman . WHo liuing least espy'd his life should leese , By meere Mathegglin dy'd and tosted cheese On a Tobacconist . WHo much Tobacco puft more then his part , With smoake his lungs had stuft , but had no heart . On old Iohn a Tree . LEt all men passing by behold and see , Here low doth buryed lye , old Iohn a Tree . On a mad man. HE now in sadnesse layd is in his graue , That late with madnesse did so raile and raue . On a Iugler . HE that so skilfull could play fast and loose , Kild himselfe wilfull , eating so much Goose. On Mal Keeme . DEath it should seeme with doome too much oredeeming , Hath tane Mal Keeme before her time of teeming . On Mistris Bab. DEath playd the Scab , that had so soon enthrald Fine mistris Bab , not knocking ere it cald . On a Sluggard . SOmnus that slept his fill in time of need , Prayes you accept the will as for the deed . In Samuelem . SAm of a surfet dy'd : thought rich to be , But how you 'ld proue that tride , pray ask not me On Iohn Cooling , a Player . DEath hath too soon remou'd from vs Io. Cooling That was so well belou'd , and liu'd by fooling . In Thomam Speed. MAd wenches bewaile you , for dead is Tom Speed Was nere wont to faile you at all times of need . In Walterum Moone . HEre lyes Wat Moone , that great Tobacconist , Who dy'd too soone for lacke of Had I wist . In Mechum Io. Cartir . DEath meant to play the Box on thee Iohn Cartir That from a sturdy Oxe hath made a martyr . In Lodovicum . SIr Lewes that went from London to lead a country life , Hath made himself quite vndone by burying of his wife In Radulphum . RAlph bids adue to pleasures good or ill , But tels you true t is much against his will. In Dorotheam Rich. HEre resteth yong Dol Rich , that dainty drab , Who troubled long with itch , dy'd of the scab On Iohn Batts the Brewer . BOld spitefull fates that in the pit durst tumble Courteous Iohn Batts , that brewd good Ale of Bumble . On Christopher Fowler . LEt all say what they can , t is known Kit Fowler Was held an honest mā , thogh no good bowler On Iohn Frend. HOw ere by luck orethrown , t is like Iack Frend Was no mans foe but 's own , and ther 's an end . In meipsum . GOod neighbours if ye marke , my turne comes next on , Who liuing long a Clarke , must dye a Sexton . In Latronem . HE that so stout was knowne made others stand Himselfe hath quite orethrown without command . In Io. Owin . WIth fame more famous shall thy fame nere dead , Cause thee outlasting liue eternized . In eundem . THose shortest sharpest lines best wit could mētiō , Were short cōpar'd to thy more sharpe inuentiō . In eundem . WEll had these words bin added to thy Herse , What ere thou spak'st ( like Ouid ) was a verse In D. Wake durum opulentum . WAke with long watching is at length laid sleeping , For losse of whom there needs but little weeping , That nere was lou'd or knowne for good house keeping . On a young man newly maried . THe world and thou art quickly gone about , That but new entring in art entred out . On a late made Lady . ILL lucke to liue no longer Ladifi'd , Who that day twelue-month wedded , that day dy'd On a Merchant . WHo frō accounts & recknings nere could rest At length hath summ'd vp his Quietus est . On a Lawyer . HEre lyes a Lawyer freed from strifes and iarres Of Kings-bench , Chācery , or Exchequer bars . On a Potter . HE that on clay his chiefest trust repos'd , Is now in clay , in stead of dust inclos'd . On a Captaine . WHo late in wars did dread no foes in field , Now free of scars , his life in peace doth yield . On Sir Patricke an Irishman . DEath on Sir Patricke playd an Irish part , That at 's own weapon stabd him to the hart ▪ On a rich feeder . SIrogites merito cuinam laus propria detur , Here lyes the man was late a Capon-eater . On a rich Baker . OVr Baker's dead , and layd in earth , Who liu'd by Bread in time of dearth . On an Vsurer ▪ THat all those goods and riches scrap't together Shold w th himself depart , & knows not whither . On a Wrestler . DEath to this wrestler giues a cunning fall , That tript his heeles , and takes no hold at all . On Dick Hawks . DIck seem'd of death so wondrous discontented , As more of breath then any thing repented . On a Tinker . WHo ( liuing ) many a hole had tinkling stopt , Now ( dead ) into a hole is stincking popt . On a Miller . DEath without warning waxt as bold as briefe , Kild two in one , a Miller and a Thiefe . On a Butler . VNgentle Death with spitefull spade to digge it For Dicke , so quicke and nimble at the spiggit . On a Cooke . DEath through the pastry peeping in disguise , Took poor Tom Cook from making of his pies . On a Cutpurse . DEath hath that cut-purse seiz'd on at Alhallowes Who by good hap hath so escap't the Gallowes . On a Scriuener . MAy all men by these presents testifie , A lurching Scriuener here fast boūd doth lye On a Saylor drowned . THou that on Haddocks many one hast fed , May Haddocks feed vpon thee now th' art dead On a Poet. HEre lies that Poet , buried in the night , Whose purse , mē know it , was exceeding light VT tibi lecta placent , mea sic mihi scripta placebunt : Indicio servit gratia nostra tuo . Abjicis ista ferus ? moritur mea Musa dolendo : Accipis ista libens ? Illa quod optat habet . FINIS .