Satyrical essayes characters and others. Or Accurate and quick descriptions, fitted to the life of their subiects. Iohn Stephens Stephens, John, fl. 1613-1615. 1615 Approx. 254 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 167 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2004-03 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A12956 STC 23249 ESTC S117828 99853038 99853038 18400 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A12956) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 18400) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1475-1640 ; 1035:13) Satyrical essayes characters and others. Or Accurate and quick descriptions, fitted to the life of their subiects. Iohn Stephens Stephens, John, fl. 1613-1615. [16], 288, 291-321, [1] p. Printed by Nicholas Okes, and are to be sold by Roger Barnes, at his shop in Saint Dunstanes Church-yard, London : 1615. Partly in verse. The first leaf is blank. Reproduction of the original in the Henry E. Huntington Library and Art Gallery. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. Gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. 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Copies of the texts have been issued variously as SGML (TCP schema; ASCII text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable XML (TCP schema; characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless XML (TEI P5, characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or TEI g elements). Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng Characters and characteristics -- Early works to 1800. 2003-08 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2003-09 SPi Global Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2003-10 Olivia Bottum Sampled and proofread 2003-10 Olivia Bottum Text and markup reviewed and edited 2003-12 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion SATYRICAL ESSAYES CHARACTERS AND OTHERS . OR Accurate and quick Descriptions , fitted to the life of their Subiects . 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 THEOPHRAS . Aspice & he●●s● sorte aliquid decoctius audis . Mile vapora●● ector mihi serueat aure : luuen . Plagosas minime Plagtarius . IOHN STEPHENS . LONDON , Printed by Nicholas Okes , and are to be sold by Roger Barnes , at his Shop in Saint Dunstanes Church-yard . 1615. TO THE WORTHY AND WORSHIPfull , my honored Friend , Mr. THOMAS TVRNER Esquire , &c. SIR , YOVR approbation of some parcels , hath entitled you to all : and your alone worthinesse hath deserued all . If I entreate your Kindest iudgement , that is your Impartiall , to suruey this ; I shall but rather furnish out a briefe Epistle , then instruct your knowledge : which is already ( I dare say ) resolued , that the impartiall censure is the best , if soundest : of which you are prouided well to censure this . And if I tell you that instructions likewise may be heere admitted ; though such as may confirme and not prouoke your detestation of basenesse ; imagine that I meane no otherwise : Nay , if I tell you further , that some things heere included may modestly endure the name of knowledge ; you shall but take the promise of my owne iudgement to encourage yours in the pervsall , by way of hazarding my whole credite : and so absolue me from the thought of Arrogance . I wrong your patience and worth , by preparation of your way to reade and iudge . You are sufficient for me : and able to conceiue , that all becomes your owne , as I would be , being your Truely Affectionate I.S. To the People . MY Epistles haue no fortune to purifie mens apprehension , much lesse to new create , or to increase their iudgements : Be therefore suddenly perswaded to reclaime thy censure hauing viewed this , or be perpetually haunted with thy double mischiefe , Impudence and dulnesse . Take this along , and I haue done speedily . Things bee heere censured so tractable , as if they and thou disclaime acquaintance , thou must immediately be taken for one affected to tyrannicall or clownish ignorance : Be then thy owne Reader ; thou needst not my comment : nor do I request thy fauourable constraction . Yet , if thou canst beleeue that perfect sense and meanings be not onely tied to publick fauourites , thou needst not bee ashamed to iustifie both mee and mine : If ( otherwise ) thou canst not relish ; blame thy selfe onely , at thy owne perill . The Contents . THree Essayes of Cowardlinesse . Essay 4. Of High-birth . Essay 5. Of Disinheritance . Essay 6. Of Poetry . Essay 7. Of Discontents . Two Bookes of Characters . THE FIRST BOOKE . Charact. 1. An impudent Censurer . Charact. 2. A compleat Man. Charact. 3. A good Husband , Charact. 4. A contented Man. Charact. 5. A good Emperour . Charact. 6. A worthy Poet. Charact. 7. An honest Lawyer . Charact. 8. A Detractor . Charact. 9. An Humorist . Charact. 10. A Coxcombe . Charact. 11. A Ranke Obseruer . Charact. 12. A Parish-Polititian . Charact. 13. A Spend-thrift . Charact. 14. A Vbiquitarie . Charact. 15. A Gamester . Charact. 16. A Novice . Charact. 17. An Epicure . Charact. 18. A Churle . Charact. 19. An Athiest . Charact. 20. A Lyar. Charact. 21. A Drunkard . Charact. 22. A Begging Scholler . THE SECOND BOOKE . Charact. 1. A Iaylor . Charact. 2. An informer . Charact. 3. A base Mercenary Poet. Charact. 4. A common Player . Charact. 5. A Warrener . Charact. 6. A Huntsman . Charact. 7. A Fawlconer . Charact. 8. A Farmer . Charact. 9. An Hostesse . Charact. 10. A Tapster . Charact. 11. A Lawyers Clarke . Charact. 12. A meere Atturney . Charact. 13. A craftie Scriuener . Charact. 14. A welsh Client . Charact. 15. A Countrey Bride-groome . Charact. 16. A Countrey Bride . Charact. 17. My Mistresse . Charact. 18. A Gossip . Charact. 19. An old woman . Charact. 20. A Witch . Charact. 21. A Pandar . A Caution . BE once advisd , and thou shalt never take A Mercenarie , though a famous man , To proue the labours , which thy Muses make ; Each line although he doth directly scan . Directly ? no ; he cannot so survay , Except with resolution to persist : But , if a while you do forbeare to pay , His resolutions he doth all vntwist : And ( like a crafty Lawyer ) though he frame A formall iudgement to recover cost , Yet brings a writ of error in the same : So ( by himselfe ) his iudgements worth is lost . Doth he not then his credit much deface ? No : that you would beleeue , he doth beseech ( If so his iudgement takes no common place ) His meaning held no concord with his speech . Doth he recover credit then , or saue Opinion kept perhaps aboue desert ? Impossible : for like a cheating Knaue , Protested faith to shame he doth convert . Friends oft be sparing : Poets of the Towne , Value their iudgement , high aboue the rate : Both may devise to bring the censure downe , Yet both can never change a volumes fate . Then rather let this worke commended be By those ( vnknowne ) who know capacitie : So shall each sentence that they do rehearse , Prefixe a iust and laudatory verse . A Friends Inuitation : no Flatterers Encomion . WHen many are inuited to a Feast , Thogh the inuiter doth not know his guest And therefore cannot well provide in hast , One dish so curious , as may please each tast : Yet if this Host hath such a carefull minde , As that he will , for each mans stomacke , finde A seu●rall meat ; and so provide with care , Good hous-roome , hearty welcom , & good fare : Shall we condemne his liberall act and loue , If thanklesse invitants the same disproue ? Some ( peraduenture ) doth one dish there see , Which with his nature doth not well agree : Some other may perchance dislike the feast , Because it is not all what he likes best . And so with diuers censures they do take Due praise frō him who did the bāquet make : Which may discourage him that doth intend Such careful cost another time to spend . Yet ( worthy Author ) let not this dismay Thee , to goe forward in that vertuous way Thou hast propounded ; nor let that be lost Which is so rare . Thou art a noble Host , And 'cause thou knowest not the minds of those That shall receiue thy feast , thou dost dispose Of things so fitly , that all here may finde Diuers provisions for each readers minde . What if perchance some surfet at thy feast , Because they cannot easily disgest Some vicious quality , which reignes so rife In vicious minds ( made known by their lewd So rife ; as you the dāger haue exprest , ( life ) That knowing it , they might the vice detest ? Pitty their weaknes then , seeing thou dost tel Nothing to poyson humor , but expell . What if some others will thy feast abuse , Because it is of seu'rall kindes ? refuse The founders dignitie , because ti● knowne Mens tastes and palates onely be their owne ? Thou mad'st it not for onely one mans sake , But all the worlds , if all of it partake . Take resolution therefore to thy mind ; Adde wings vnto thy fainting courage ; bind All thy due strength together ; to provide So rare a Banquet ; which may long abide To all mens profit , and the founders praise . He therefore doth invite the guests that sayes This is a Noble Feast ; and wisheth this , That he , which of this feast doth iudge amisse May ( if he wants what is in this combin'd ) Seeke to atchieue the same , but never finde , ANTHO . CROFTES . SATYRICALL ESSAYES , CHARACTERS AND OTHERS . Three Satyricall Essayes of Cowardlinesse . ESSAY . I. FEare to resist good vertues common foe , And seare to loose some lucre , which doth grow By a continued practise ; makes our fate Banish ( with single combates ) all the hate , Which broad abuses challenge of our spleene . For who in Vertues troope was euer seene , That did couragiously with mischiefes fight Without the publicke name of hipocrite ? Vaine-glorious , Malapert , Precise , Deuout , Be tearmes which threaten those that go about To stand in opposition of our times With true defiance , or Satyrickeri●es . Cowards they be , branded among the worst , Who ( through contempt of Atheisme ) neuer durst Crowd neere a great-Mans elbow , to suggest Smooth tales with glosse , or Enuy well addrest . These be the noted cowards of our age ; Who be not able to instruct the Stage With matter of new shamelesse impudence : Who cannot almost laugh at innocence ; And purchase high preferment by the waies , Which had bene horrible in Nero's dayes . They are the shamefull cowards , who contemne Vices of State , or cannot ●l●tter them ; Who can refuse aduantage ; or deny Villanous courses , if they can esp●e Some little purchase to inrich their ch●st , Though they become vncomfortably blest . Wee still account those Cowards , who forbeare ( Being possess'd with a Religious feare ) To slip occasion , when they might erect Hornes on a Trades-mans noddle , or neglect The violation of a Virgins bed With promise to require her Maiden-head . Basely low-minded we esteeme that man , Who cannot swagger well , or ( if he can ) Who doth not with implacable desire , Follow reuenge with a consuming fire . Extortious Rascals , when they are alone , Bethinke how closely they haue pick'd each bone ; Nay with a frolicke humour they will brag , How blancke they left their empty Clients bag . Which dealings if they did not giue delight ; Or not refresh their meetings ; in despight They would accounted be both weake , vnwise , And like a timorous coward too precise . Your handsome-bodied youth ( whose comely face May challenge all the store of Natures grace ) If , when a lustfull Lady doth inuite , By some lasciuious tricke● his deere delight , If then he doth abhorre such wanton ioy ; Whose is not almost ready to destroy , Ciuility with curses , when he heares The tale recited ? blaming much his yeares , Or modest weaknesse , and with cheeks ful-blown Each man will wish the case had beene his own . Graue holy men , whose habite will imply Nothing but honest zeale , or sanctity , Nay so vprighteous will their actions seeme , As you their thoughts Religion will esteeme . Yet these all-sacred men , who daily giue Such vowes , wold think themselues vnfit to liue , If they were Artlesse in the flattering vice , Euen as it were a daily sacrifice : Children deceiue their parents with expence : Charity layes aside her conscience , And lookes vpon the fraile commodity Of monstrous bargaines with a couetous eye : And now the name of Generosity , Of noble cariage , or braue dignity ; Keepe such a common ●kirmish in our bloud ; As we direct the measure of Things good , By that , which reputation of Estate , Glory of rumor , or the present rate Of Sauing Pollicy doth best admit . We do employ materials of wit , Knowledge , occasion , labour , dignity , Among our spirits of Audacity , Nor in our gainefull proiects do we care For what is pious , but for what we dare : Good humble men , who haue sincerely layd Saluation for their hope , we call Afraid . But if you will vouchsafe a patient eare , You shall perceiue , men impious haue most feare . ESSAY . II. MAny aspiring fellowes you may see , Who , after they and fortune doe agree , Come ( by briefe windings ) to be men elect ; Through priuate means , heauen knows how indirect . To flourish quickly and aduance their head , As if they tooke possessions from the dead : When all the Heralds neuer could deuise , From whence the fathers kindred might arise . Though many cal them Nephew , Brothers son ( Because a thriftie garment they haue spun ) Who ( else ) with publick shame had bin disgrac'd , And all the titles of their loue defac'd : But now they flourish , and with Worship swell , Whose poore beginnings euery Groome can tell . As if a new-found Whittingtons rare Cat Came to extoll their birth-rights aboue that Which nature once intended : These be men Who thinke not of a Hundred yeelding Ten : They turne base copper into perfect gold : Counterfeit couzning wa●es bewis●ly sold. Men be perswaded well of prosperous fate , Giuing much credite to a crasty pa●e , But if these cowards durst discouer all , Both how they did their high estates install , How they began to make a league with hell , Or how they did in damned plots excell , Their very liues alone , if they were dead , Would make an other work for Hollingshead . Alas they dare not ; these be cowards right , For whose abortiue d●eas the blackest night Is neuer black enough , nor can conceale Their shame , which lewd posterities reueale . Fine hansome outsides who so highly stand On the reputed courage of their hand : Who keepe their pages with such spacious gard ( Scorning to play without a coated-card ) Who keepe a large Retinue , or erect Buildings ; in which they neuer can expect To dwell , with credit of their famish'd slocke ; Or to maintaine the vse of one good lock . These notwithstanding to augment their glosse , And turne some braue expences into drosse , Will be the seruile debtors to a slaue , ( Who hath no remedie , but to depraue Their fortunes with inuectiue impudence , Or make petitions to defray expence ) And yet these mighty Vpstarts cannot dare , To pay a single crosse : Except they spare Their pompe ; which giues a lustre in the Court , And in the Citty makes aboundant sport . Spend-thrifts , & Gallants likewise ( who haue lands Which beare all Saffron for their yellow bands ) Those which haue onely complement , and whoope In Tauernes ; may attend the former troope . Those that dare challenge any man of armes , And seeme to bear● about them valtant charmes ; Belching vnciuill Enuy , in the face Of him that meekely contradicts their grace ; As if they carryed vengeance in their iawes , Or executions of the Statute-law●s . Those men if stricktly challeng'd , quake with feare , Contriuing basely how they may forbeare : And ( leauing then a while their pompous pride ) They best bethinke , how they may closely hide Their contumacious heads with priuiledge : For when the flat-cap tradesman doth alle age Forfeit of payments ( and because at length His wife , & so the world , doth know his strength ) When he procures a Champion to demand The noble answere of his debtors hand : And dares my valiant Swaggerer to meet , His lawfull chalenge in the open street ; He , rather then he will prouoke the strife , Sues by petition to my plaintifes wise : Who , if she doth not very much forget , Takes downe the quarrell , and so pa●es the debt . Another sort of Cowards you may see , ( Transcending these in a more base degree ) Who to preserue aduancement , or vphold Their Families , ( without expence of gold ) Will , in promiscuous manner , congregate Amongst good men , who blockish Papisme hate ; Nay , they will be attentiue in the Church , ( All to auoyd the law , and penall lurch ) They will con-niue at holy arguments , And often beare a sway in Parliaments : They will agree to constituted lawes , Which almost ruine to their kingdome drawes , ( All notwithstanding ) they directly dare Hope to be sau'd , as other Papists are ; Expecting on some opportunitie , When they may make a traitrous vnitie : For all the truth which can excuse their fate , Is , that they finely can equiuocate : A Cowards doctrine , full of shamelesse feare , Infuses ioy to their misguided eare , And yet no equall iustice them controules , Because they haue a Curtaine to their soules ; Corrupted Officers , the common curse Of publicke Law , who stuffe their gaping purse With wrongfull fees , and grow extreamely fat By their delitious trickes , or lying squat Vp to the cares in pleasant Alchymie , If these men durst bewray their infamie , And bring their holiest actions into light , The day would runne to a prodigious night . N●w fees created are , and then the match M●st something take to frame a briefe dispatch : I●formers be preuented by a feate , Which q●alifies indeed their boysterous heate , Although vniustly : Clearkes and other knaues ( Who w th their generous ruffs the court outbraues ) Will take a pention , or a quarter fee , To make their friend from information free ; And ( to preuent the mischiefe ) will declare How other billes already do not spare To certifie the Court a day before Of that , for which the plaintiffe doth implore : So false and fained reuolutions cracke The craftie meanings that pre-caution lacke : Yet still they gape , and say they cannot saue The many pounds which th●y so freely gaue To purchase ten times more for they intend Onely on priuate meanings to depend . Before I speake , let no good Law●e● bl●me My loue to him , though I bad vices name . Another sort of Law-professors come Within this Catalogue to craue a roome : They who depend vpon a Iudges looke More then the poynts of Littleton , or Brooke , They who procure a great mans happy smile , By Coaches , Colts , and other courses vile : Who keepe one speciall Court , and blind-sold wise Tread ( Mill-horse like ) the circuit of Assise : They who be fitter to maintaine the sport , Of Christmasse reuels at an Inne of Court : Fitter to feed delitious Ladies eares , Or flattringly remoue their patrons feares : Fitter to follow the forgotten trades , Or make a reading of the knaue of Spades : To make a libell , or neate ruffes allow ; And sometimes very fit to driue the Plow . Fitter then to exceed the true degrees Of merites , and conuert meere voice to fees . These men ( it makes me laugh ) they still contend To choose a long-liu'd patron for their friend ; But if his destin'd length becomes too short To make the time of long vacations sport , Then all my fauourites be vanish't farre , And almost tremble to approach the barre . Then they perceiue , Life ( vpon which they gnaw ) Is more vncertaine then their common law : They trauaile home againe by weeping crosse , And bring the law much credit with their losse . But if they dare , vntouch'd , remaine still free , Another Patron dares corrupted be : Else like egregious Cowards , they withdraw , Hiding themselues , and the abuse of Law. I see a Lawyer , who hath spent his time At Innes of Court in some excessiue crime ; But being once aduanc'd to view the barre , He brings all bird-lime , and polluting tarre , With which he so defiles the Laws pure Sence , That each man will account it impudence . If a good simple Client entertaines This Mercenary Varlet , and explaines , How he hath purchas'd a conuenient field , Lordship , or Mannor , which may easly yeeld A large reuenue , that affoords full cost , Whereby he saues himselfe , and nothing's lost : The greedy Lawyer doth begin to pray He will repriue his answere till a day ; Intending he perceiues poynts difficult , Through which the crafty seller may insult . Meanetime he visites some old broking knaue , And ( with a sight of Angels ) ties the slaue , Through nice propounded Articles to swimme , And get his Clients bargaine euen for him . Then will he basely flatter , and pretend The seller was my worshipfull deere friend , Who recollecting how commodious The bargaine was for me ( so couetous ) Did kindly offer me the peny-worth In which ( before ) I wanted putting forth . Vngratious were it to impute disease To any men of knowledge , or to these , With a pernicious meaning to contemne The most respectfull honest Law , or them : When therefore I the name of Lawyer vse , Or ( any way ) the title do accuse , Imagine , I , as doe the vulgar clownes , Call those men Lawyers , who haue Lawyers gownes : Reseruing to my selfe a purer sence , Which saith a Lawyer is all innocence ; A Lawyer truly taken ; which implies One who doth Art and Reason exercise , Both which , and Equitie do him sustaine ; Who truly doth the name of Lawyer gaine . That waking sighted Run-away , the Hare , ( Which is pres●ru'd by a continuall feare ) Cannot ( by this ) protect her innocence , So much as Officers their lewd pretence : The Fox an ancient Hierogliphicke was , In Fri●rs robes to shew the common passe Of smooth hypocrisie , and Church-mens craft ; But now a formall gowne may serue to waft This badge among our prowling Officers , Which Name and Habite rightuously inferres As much compacted villanie , as meetes Among the Stewards of rich Countrey Leetes : Both Couzen with as great conformitie , As if they held some new fraternitie : Both be so practis'd in good Vertues scorne , As if Atturnies had directly sworne To match the Officer , and powle the flecee , As if they both consisted of one peece . They both insinuate their sweating paines , Their common paiment : each ( alike ) constraines The hunger-bitten Client to disburse , Till they haue left his hopes euen with his purse . Yet will you dare to say those men exact ? No ; that were brainlesse : they so well compact Their polliticke inuentions , that the fault Of asking more then due , creepes to the vault Of Clerkes dull ignorance to purchase leaue , When their discouered proiect● d● deceiue A Substitute in Courts may rather take All wrested fees , that glosse may thereby make The Steward seeme lesse culpable in vice , When Substitutes are taught by his aduice : And if some one their cousenage doth betray , The Substitute can easily slinke away . My baudy Proctor likewise , who presumes To purge mens purses ▪ for vene●eall Rhumes ; Who th●●atens pena●ce in agh●stly sh●ete , If Clie●ts ( though they s●rip from head to feete ) Be sla●k● in paiment of extortious coine : This man who studies first how to purloine , Before he lookes vpon the ciuill Law ; This man , who hath a prompt and ready paw , Who loues no Innes of Court , shutting his crackes And all his rage , vnder a nose of wax ; Who , when a fornicato● lookes awry , That he the least aduantage may espy , He will ●ff●●iously attend the Court , Because he ●●●els out the ensuing sport , And when a grieuous fi●e afflicts the purse Of ●●●shly sinners , to esc●pe the curse , He and the thriftie Iudge can closely share The foul● taxation , which with pious c●re Is well intended to correct the sinne , Establish bridges which decay within , Reli●ue sicke persons , or amend high-wayes , Or some religious Chappell , which decayes . But they haue other vses to respect , To buy their ciu●ll garments , or affect The wanton lust of some egregious whoore , To winne new credit , to deceiue the poore ; And so deceiue the vnsuspectfull time , For ( else ) he durst not so insatiate clime Into the fiery region ; neither dares His habite seeme acquainted with these cares . Now must I summon Parish-hypocrites , Who seeme attentiue to coelestiall rites , Who thinke the Art of him that well doth liue , Is all perform'd , if he example giue , Which may become the parish : if he pray Aloud in Chambers , or deuoutly pay The tribute of true dealing vnto all Who ( can to their ass●stance ) Iustice call . If in Assemblies he can shew good workes , And call offendors , Infidels or Turkes : He thinkes he hath discharg'd the finall part Of a religious or honest heart : Though he doth closely keepe a vertuous punke , Or though ( on cautious t●arms ) he● can be drunk : Though in another County , and the name Of other Agents he can schedules fram● ; And thinkes himselfe to be a man well blest , Though he receiues the Sinfull Interest : For this eye-seruing-age is quickly gone To all deceit if we lacke lookers on . These be most valiant Cowards , men that dare Be boldly impious , and y●t basely feare , Least common rumour should obserue or thinke They be not still awake , though still they winke . Some false Physitians lye within the reach Of these , who true sinceritie impeach , Their glasses , glisters , oyles , ingredients ( Which hope of lucre oftentimes inuents ) Do carry all ( as if a cowards soule Kept in their bosomes ) to the dead mans rowle ; Hiding their fearefull practice in the graues : Leane death , their operation still out-braues . Sometimes their crabbed Enuy doth inuent , Sometimes they kil with new experiment : For still they er●e by custome , or by chance , Ei●her by malice , or by ignorance : And ( hauing spent prescriptions to each dram ) He thinkes alas sure I protected am , If now I see our physicke does no good , Or seeing I haue suckt his purse and blood , If I can tell his friends there is no hope , Or that he must expect deaths fatall scope : Then shall I be discharg'd with credits fee , And to condemne more liues , remaine still free . They shift their compasse to auoyd our scorne , Hiding their actions from the faire-fac'd morne . Now my censorious Criticks who disgrace Each worke they know not , with a scuruy face , Who banish Authors to Barbarian lands , And sling true solid matter from their hands , With a disdainfull Motto of Nonsence : Although themselues ( excepting impudence ) Haue nothing to excuse their vanitie : Latinle●se Lawlesse Rogues , they often be , Who hauing past their verdict , will recant : For their maintaining facultie is scant . Or if these Apish Cowards dare defend , The vice of Iudgment , brings them to their end . And yet some Writers doe deserue the name Of Cowards likewise : they be growne so tame With being often handled , often praisd , As they forget their motion , being raisd Aboue the highest spheares : they thinke it much , More then indeed enough , to haue beene such As they were once accounted : though they sleepe , Follow their ease , and sluggish silence keepe : Nay thogh they wake , & ( which doth po●son thē ) F●llow the errors which they did condemne . Some worthlesse Poets also , haue the vice To write their labours as they cast at di●e : If ( by aduenture ) some strange happy chance , Smiles on their borrowed workes of ignorance , They can bewray their the●uish names , and giue Notice to all , how they eterni●'d liue . But if ( presuming on their sickly strength ) They write , and do betray their selues at length : Then , oh they came into the publicke presse Against their wils ; they dare not then con●esse Who wrongs the world with such base Poetry : Nay , their owne eldest sonnes they will deny . All hide their vices . Printers also hide Errors escap'd , w●ich makes wise men deride Excellent wits , deseruing worthy praise , Whē ( through distinctions lest ) the truth decaies : But among all base writers of the time , I cannot reckon vp more desperate rime , ( Which trauailes with a feare so damnable ) As Libell-lashing measures : they excell Onely in this ; that these be counted best , Which the soole-Author dares acknowledge least . These are contemptible enough , and yet Their lines maske vnder a fictitious wit , When wit ( as hitherto ) was neuer seene Truly ingendred by a tr●uiall spleene . Nor can they thus reforme what is impure , Seing men so touch'd , conceiue thēselues past cure . Wel do these cowards thriue , when hauing blown Shame to the peoples Eares , they loose their own . Briefly , it were a thing preposterous , If rich men , who are nicely co●etous , Shold not be trembling cowards ; when they think Vpon the ioyfull paines of death , they stinke . Nothing prouokes me sooner to confesse That Atheisme is their chiefest happinesse , Then to consider how the very best Struggle with death , declining to their rest : One pluckes away the haires which should reueale His righteous thoughts : another doth conceale The furrowed wrinkles of his tawny skinne : Another scoures his stumpes , or doth beginne To breake the glasse with foolish extasie , At the reflexe of Chap-f●lne grauitie . Can these , with safetie of a quiet minde Puffe vp themselues with an ambitious winde Of Riches , Rumor , Lucre , and Expence , Whiles Kings and good men haue no difference ? They haue Abundance , I haue some alone , They feed a hundred bellies , I feed one . Both vanish to Obliuions caue , vnlesse Our very thoughts a liuing soule expresse : Which being once admitted , no soules can Keepe their worst secrets from the face of Man. ESSAY . III. NO more : no more : now saith my honest friend , Be politicke ; or study to commend The time , and timelings , least you doe bestow More copious tearmes then licence dare allow . Content thy selfe ( Cordatus ) I will blame No reuerend Church-man , neither will I name One lewd professor , who pollutes the grace Of such a formall and respected place : I will not name their liuings , nor their liues , Much ●esse their bondage to their hansom wiues : As if they durst not shew the times disease , Because indeed they dare not them displease . I will not wrong their holinesse : and why ? In holinesse true zeale you may descry . Nor will I taxe Church-vices , least I wrong The labour which to writing doth belong . For when I haue againe repeated all Their vices publicke , and sinnes personall : I shall but reckon the antiquities , Of Glosse , of Ignorance , and Simonies : And so repeate things mention'd long before , Nay things prefixt vpon each Play-house doore . Let them ( alasse ) continue , or increase , O let them long enioy a qui●t peace ; For they already know the mischiefes well , They almost scorne such inwards to expell . And why ? they feare taxation : ò strange fate ! They who contemne reproofes , are desperate . We cannot hope such persons will amend , Who may ( without controule ) their vice extend . Enough , enough , I haue bethought so much Concerning cowards , that my selfe am such : I dare not speake my meaning vnder paine Of being crost , of being curb'd againe . Why crost ? why curb'd ? go aske authoritie Why it protects peculiar vanitie ? And it perhaps will answere in de●ence ; C●owes to themselues beperfect Innocence . Or ( which is more familiar ) Enuy loues That humor best , which bitterly reproues All states , all faculties besides her owne : She fauours that , and feares it should be knowne , Though it be noted ; or with publicke shame , Hath purchasd ( 〈◊〉 you write ) an odious name . Men thinke their fashions and their faces best If ( in a flattred humor ) they be blest , To heare men discommend both such and such , Not naming theirs ; although they be so much Apparant filthy , as no vulgar eye Would make a question of deformity : And so superior vices doe propound A freedome to their scope , as being sound In selfe-conceite , if they can saue their skinne From being Printed with a publicke s●nne ; Though ( setting bookes aside ) they do ●rofesse , Enough to poyson all their names no l●sse . See how I breath into the spacious Aire , A Theame as spacious : Can my V●rse repaire The fruitlesse errors of men obstinate ; Who cannot freely their owne vices hate ? Who rather gainefull vices do cond●mne , Because they cannot purchase gaines by them ? For in their owne offences they reserue Such cautions as may closely them preserue . Well , sir , admit men labour to be wise , And for themselues do secrets exercise , Who shall dare contradict such worthy paines Which fosters credit , and ill termes restraines ? Avant base Hipocrite , go henceforth set Vpon thy pillow , thy close cabinet , And sleepe with all the papers in thy hand , Which thy most secret counsels may command ; Or I with Spaniards better shall agree ; Or I shall trust a Lapwing more then thee . Good men dare iustifye , euen touching all The essence of their thoughts originall : Touching themselues , their meanings they may saue , Least they their good successe of meanes depraue . But well , suppose men so directly halt As they do feare to patronize the fault , Shall they not seeke vnpunish'd to remaine , If actions pass'd cannot be cal'd againe ? We daily do transgresse ; and some perhaps Deserue the plagues of lashing after-claps : But then , alas ! what satisfaction can , Written reproofes be for a vicious man ? You make professions vndergoe contempt , And make the least offence so farre exempt From ciuill vertue , and some new conceits , That you enforce good fellowship to straights . So : Haue you done ( deere Motley ? ) yes almost ; But stay a little , and behold vncrost , The reason , why we do so closely deale , And why we couer vice : I can r●ueale , To frustrate your inuentions which produce Nothing halfe-worthy of a well-borne Muse , But triuiall vanities , and deepe expence , To tell mans weakenesse by experience : You might with more applause bestow more pains To grace the Mayors Triumphs , and the chaines Which do attend his Lordship to the Hall : You might expound things termed mysticall : Or might in better phrase compose a song , To shew his Highnes staid at Cambridge long ; And not in tearmes , as hasty as the truth , Discouer haire-braine fallacies of youth : You might , you might , Seuerus , and detest To scourge close dealers who be safely blest : For I can well resolue you are the cause , Why men reserue ( in acts ) a priuate clause : You , and your nice obseruance do restraine Men , and their actions both , from being plaine : And yet you call those Cowards , who beware As if they were possess'd with childish feare . Suruay thy selfe , quicke-sighted formalist , And then discouer that abusiue mist , With which men shelter any priuate sinne : Charity alwaies doth at home beginne . Now haue you ended ? then , I answere all By scorning to excuse or hide my fall As thou dost vrge : if I transgresse my square , I of Relapse , not of Reproofe beware : And I beleeue thou likewise wilt amend , If so thou do'st not labour to offend : For that ind●ed betrayes mens dealing naught , When they do study rather to be taught , In subtle mischiefe of a newer mint , Then to abiure deceits of ancient print : For they hate couznage , once intitled Old , Because the Title shewes it often told , And so affoords no lucre ; not because It fauours Atheisme and corruption drawes . Why do I taxe , why do I trouble men , Or why with noted crimes defile my pen ? The most notorious cowards will betray Themselues , and follies , though I turne away . Yes ( which is worth my laughter ) they accuse Their closest feares , euen while they do refuse To let you vnderstand their subtile drifts , They do discouer such auoiding shifts , That you may thence collect some fearefull trick , They study to appeare so pollitick . As , Fellons brought before a Iustice , each Hopes to bee sau'd , if others he impeach : And as some Indians dealt , being al-amaz'd To heare the Spanish guns and forces blaz'd ; They bought their safety through a fine deceit : For knowing gold to be the Spanish baite , They would protest , that fifty leagues beyond Was common plenty of that yellow sand ; Meaning to turne the fooles another way . And so deale vicious persons : they betray Anothers folly , to preserue their owne : Obserue , and you shall gather things wel known . Go tell a Church man he hath lost his voyce , Or aske him why he doth in strife reioyce : And he will answer ; Lawyers do not speake So much to purpose , as the Pulpits creake , Althogh they do receiue fees doubled twice ; Which far exceed my single Benefice . Go tell a Lawyer he relyes on chance , Because he doth affect dull ignorance : And he the worst obiection soone auerts By telling how The times neglect deserts . Go tell a Magistrate of morning bribes , And he , to shallow meanes , the same ascribes : But then demand of Honour why she failes , In giuing that which euery way auailes To nourish her beloued sonnes ? And shee Will answere , They profuse , insatiate be . Aske shifting Russians why they do forget , To hasten payment and discharge their debt , Or why they do sufficient men dislike ? And they will answere , Great-ones do the like . Go tell a Gamester he hath cheated long , Or vnto many offred shamefull wrong , And he will answere , that himselfe before Was often cheated twenty times and more . Go aske a Drunkard why he followes wine , Abuses God , or giues a Heathen signe ; And he will quickly answere thy demand , The Parson was so drunk he could not stand . Go tell a Hot-spurre he hath kil'd a man , Go aske him how he doth the terrour scan : And he will answere ; a Physitian 's free To murther twenty millions ; why not hee ? Go tell a fawning wretch he doth relye Vpon the slauish vice of flattery : And he will answere , That the best are glad To follow such indeuours , or as bad . Go tell a whore she doth her sexe pollute , By being such a common prostitute : And shee will answere in defence of fame , Citizens wiues , and Ladies do the same . Go tell a trades-man he deceiues the day , Refusing light , deluding euery way : And he will answere to auoyd thy curse , Go further on , you will be cheated worse . Thus cowards all ( not daring to defend The diuers follies which they dare intend ) Confesse themselues , and others do elect Vices , which none but Diuels dare protect . When I pronounce a Coward , it implies , Malice and spight be Cowards qualities : They are inseparate , and why ? because A vicious Coward so exactly knowes Himselfe vnable , that he doth decree To haue consorts as impotent as h●e ; Because he may auoyd the mighty shocke Of mens contempt , rank'd with a greater flocke ; Whereas perhaps if he were lest alone , His basenesse onely would be look'd vpon . But harke you sir ( saith one ) you haue forgot To brand our female ; with a cowards lot . They be a proper subiect : do not spare Them and their couert dealing to declare : They be attired with inuentiue doubts , And haue as many feares as they haue thoughts : They labour daily , yet they do suspect , They cannot halfe a hansome face erect : They paint , they pow●er , they with toies exced , Alas ! they dare not shew themselues indeed . Night they do honour : then they do obtaine That which perhaps the day cals backe againe : They do intice their Husbands to beleeue Any thing ( then ) and any thing to giue : They do entreate , when Husbands scarce replye But with a purpose nothing to deny : They not without adu●n●age do contend ; Nor any cowards oddes do discommend . Well , 〈◊〉 : admit they do abound with feare , Females for nothing else created were . They need not of t●eir weakenesse be asham'd ; But Men should blush to heare the folly namd . You do discouer mens impediments , And tell vs what the crasty age inuents . As if authority forgat his whip : You may be silent , and surcease to nip . Let sage Authority proceed by course Of Law , to punish these without remorse . Then you must bid Authority respect Things not accounted euill ; or neglect To punish friend-lesse fee-lesse infamies , And taxe braue mischiefe with seuerer eyes . Nay that will neuer be ; for tell the base , And poore offendor ( who feeles no disgrace ) He hath offended ; and he dares reply , He tooke his patterne from Authority . So shifting be the simple Idiots , So shifting base be higher Patriots : And must be euer till they do reueale Feare to commit , not study to conceale . Of High Birth . ESSAY . IIII. THINGS curiously made , differ as much from things begotten , as earth from liuing men , and artificiall bodies from mans issue . Children therefore may challenge from their parents more prerogatiue , then workmanship or mans Inuention ; for it participates with vs in being onely , but they in being ours : for things begottē be originally our own , but things created be ours at the second hand continually : else man were two waies excellent , and able to create , as well as to beget , without patterne or example , whereas truely in matters of Science and manuall labour , man , without the helpe of man , doth nothing . So ignorant hee is , and chiefely bound vnto imitation , as hee neuer did , nor will , produce that , which depends not on some president : onely our Issue is our owne absolute ; for man , secluded from the company of men , is by the helpe of Nature fit ( of himselfe ) for infinite generation , though nothing else : Which argues the full necessity of being sociable , and mightily condemnes those currish people , who thinke it all-sufficient , if they can once assume the pride , to say , they are not any way indebted ; or that they bee their owne Supporters : And thinke it the safest friendship to forget Humanity , neglect Acquaintance , make loue an outward Ceremony , nay scarce so much : and neuer bee offended with a curse so much , as when they must haue mans assistance to restore them . These are vnmindefull why man doth multiply , Why lawfull Marriage was inuented : Or why GOD , thinking it not enough to worke a Vnion with HVMANITY by the bond of NATVRE , did also extend affinitie to those of an other stocke ; that INCEST might be vnacted ; and by the consequent , that MAN should not engrosse onely the loue of his owne FAMILIE . Man therefore thus enabled to produce ; it followes by implication that amongst posterity some one must haue precedence ; in which , sonnes ( by consent ) haue that Immunity of Eldest : And Hee , according to vsuall speech , is called the Heire Apparant : which is a name so largely taken , as ( with it ) wee imply any one able to inherit , though not the eldest . But properly it extends to the First Begotten , who ( in being first ) supplies the office of a Substitute to discharge that which incumbers the parent ; the office of a valiant warriour likewise , who couets by being first , to take the first charge , giue the first assault , and ( aboue all ) to bee according to his name , truely forward in the high Atchieuements of honour : so forward , as for any of his Ranke to bee before , should bee thought a miserable basenesse . It is an obserued point of Nature ( among the Ancients ) that Elephants , when they trauaile by Troupes , knowing by a peculiar instinct that their aduersaries ( for the most part ) incounter them in the Rereward , they marshall themselues that the eldest may bee first ready to sustaine the violence ; which giues a memorable precept to mans issue , that hee ( if eldest ) ought rather to protect , then cauill with his inferiour relatiues ; that they ( because yongest ) ought rather to submit , where his good counsell may assist , then be malignant or maintaine Faction . This Theater of mans life , admits degrees of height , in which the eldest is aboue the others ; and therefore as the Centinell , or Scout ( in Armies ) is vigilant to foresee aduantage , and so preserue by diligence when courage of the rest is little worth : So should superiours in birth bee as much prouident for the safety of those , in respect of whom they be superior , as to esteeme their birth-right a blessing . It is therefore no safe conclusion , to say hee is the eldest , and so most excellent ; but hee is the eldest , and therefore should bee most excellent : For in production of the soule it fares otherwise with a man , then with vnreasonable creatures ; among which there needes no better warrant to signifie courage , then the first breede , which signifies the strength of Nature in the Parents or Breeders . But with Man , ( who communicates with Beasts onely in forme ) it is onely sufficient for him to challenge in his Issue what himselfe bestowes : As for the Diuine Materials of Reason , if sometimes they doe hereditarily succeede to the sonne of a prudent father , wee may from hence conclude , that GOD more often dispenses with it , to make man see the true ORIGINALL , rather then Flesh should challenge any part ; or Fathers thinke they bee the sole efficients . For it is now made a common argument of the SONNES folly , if the FATHER bee more then commonly wise . And I am very much perswaded , that this ( if nothing else ) may assure the Polititian of some supreame disposer , who giues warning to his presumptuous folly through the plague of a foolish heire ; that hee may ouer-value himselfe at his owne perill : seeing he hath often his owne workemanship before his eyes , to argue against him , and his arrogant conceit . Bee it sufficient therefore that cunning Natur● , which principally and commonly works out each naturall mans existence by causes well known , Matter , Forme , and Priuation , is not able in things essentiall , to distribute any particle without Diuine prouidence : so the eldest naturally inherites nothing as by peculiar claime , but senselesse lineaments of body . Howsoeuer , most conuenient it is , that euery one by birth ennobled , either by single prioritie , or prioritie vnited to noble parentage , should seeke to accomplish the part of nature vndone in more then complement , ciuill silence , or common passages ; and make the birth absolute . For Man , a sluggish Creature , ( prompt enough to decline after satietie ) seemes naturally to be vnfurnished , that hee might not be vnoccupied . So Nature hath left much imperfect , to intimate by the vacant absence of some things needfull , that mans labour should make things vsefull . Nature affoords timber , but workmanship the structure : the earth produces Ore , but Art the Siluer : Nature giues plants , Knowledge the vse : Among all which shee doth require a more ample and lesse supplement , according to the value , raritie or estimation of the thing . For Chymicks know , the more pretious mettals aske more paines in extraction of the true quintessence , then baser Minerals : Gold is the seuenth time purified , and then becomes beautifull : besides the qualitie of things more pretious , ought still to bee equiualent with their pretious subiect . Couragious horses bee managed with curiositie : delicate voyces bee selected to learne harmonies , whilst harsh and strong voyc'd cryers bee ridiculous . Diamonds , not glasse , become pure mettall , and rich garments haue much costly appearance . High blouds likewise be the fittest receptacles for high actions ; but if a sackecloth bee embroydred , the adiunct may deserue honor , thogh the ground-worke be Plebeian : and men of vp-start Parentage may , in respect of braine , take place before Nobilitie , though their persons bee odious . Our selues and parents , or instructors , be the secondary causes which protract or abbreuiate , enrich or impouerish , our owne destinies . For either wee are driven with fatall obstinacie , to ouer-take fortune ; else , by the negligence of education , or being not season'd in minority , our stupid dulnesse giues Fortune leaue to ouer-take vs. High birth is so farre from priuiledge to exempt any from these , as it approches neere to miserie , when shame is vnpreuented ; and makes destinie notorious . I know no difference therefore betwixt the degrees of Fortune , if Birth alone makes the comparison . For which is more predominant , if one of obscure fortune becomes publicke by merits , remaining still the same if he transgresse ; or if one descended nobly , doth but deserue himselfe , and family , through great engagements , being ready to descend below himselfe if he miscarry , and be as publicke in disgrace , as vpstarts in applause ? For this Age of Innouation is fitter to behold one swimming to a remote shore , then to reuolue how happily the inhabitants be there delighted : fitter to see new actions , & actiue spirits proceeding , then the maintenance of honour proceeded : and fitter to behold one falling from a rocke , then from a stumbling mole-hill . So that if Noble-men aduanced , continue so ; and ambitious Gentry , nay or basenesse , do aspire and thriue , I see no difference : if ruine threatens both , the last transcends in outward happinesse . The best similitude which makes diuersitie , reaches but thus farre : I see an embroydred emptie purse , and stoope to view it narrowly , because the out-side glisters : I spurne a powch before me , and heare the sound of siluer ; I take both , keepe both , and will esteeme the coyne aboue the emptie purse , and yet preferre the outsides alone not both alike ; because the one is capable and beauteous already , the other doth containe already , but can neuer be beauteous : no more then vpstarts , though renowned in merits , can euer take Nobilitie of Birth ; because it will demand succession to confirme antiquitie . So that ennobled fortunes ( being an outward beauty ) shall but make me more willing ( as an embroidred purse ) to see their in-sides , not enlarge their value : when as perhaps one basely obscure , shall more purchase my reverence , though lesse attract my labour to discouer him . As for the chiefe ornaments which qualifie great parentage , they should bee such as make most in the aduancement of a Common-wealth . For when Lawes receiue their body from the concordance of Nobilitie ; it must ( by good coniecture ) follow , that the life or motion of them ( which is an equal prosecution of Iustice ) would , through the countenance of Nobilitie , receiue more credit and reuerence . For the visible dignitie of persons , doth atract sluggish or obstinate beholders , with vnanimitie or terror . Thus ignorant men ( vnacquainted with our state of question ) will often wish within themselues , That a Dunce or Coward may preuaile before the Combate , because they incline more to the estimation of his carriage , fame , or feature , then to the others : which loue doth ( notwithstanding ) sometimes vanish into feare , adoration , or a reuerend conceit . The very name of Crumwell was able to disseuer insurrections ; so much was hee credited with an opinion of sincere grauitie . To bee a man likewise generally famous , doth oftentimes dispense with comelinesse of personage , and purchaseth full applauded successe in euery dispatch vnder the pattent of hauing beene generally commended , But if popular fame bee not gracious , the ornaments of body , comlinesse , and behauiour , must bee assistant to High birth , in publicke atchieuements of honour , to make a prosperous beginning . For single birth , without additions , is no generall to command an Armie , or to preuaile with multitudes : which ( by the order of reason ) should bee a Noble and generous intention , because birth is sooner capable of respect only then base agents . By this caution therefore did the Noblest Romanes apply themselues to take the patronage of Plebeians ; accounting it the most honourable entrance , to exercise their efficacie of birth , by the protection of poore Clients , or otherwise illiterate Citizens : The frequencie of which custome made Nobilitie famous . It is the excellent signe of mans participation with Diuinitie , to discerne and iudge of nature . This therefore should bee the singular part of instruction among Noble pupils , and all that would become proficients , to certifie , allay , and augment nature : which cannot bee by a restraint , but by giving free libertie to enioy all , that so the worst may bee remoued ; else by a * colourable restraint of that which formerly was permitted . For when wee say , Natura recurrit , wee must conceiue , Nature hath tasted : for Ignoti nulla cupido . And by the consequent , whilst wee dote vpon things absent , our inclination is discouered . From hence therefore did Phrina know Praxitelus loued the Image of his Satyre , because when hee heard his house was burnt , hee asked onely if the Satyre were safe : So when wee haue once enioyed , and now lacke our custome , desire will bee manifest . It is not therfore wisdome to correct the natures of children , by keeping them in couert from the worlds eye , vnlesse they bee appoynted for a Monasterie . For that which wee cannot doe , because we know not , wee dare doe freely when wee are acquainted . But Nature beeing discouered , by hauing once enioyed , yeares will then easily admit a contrarietie . And as Wormewood , rubbed vpon the nipple of a Nurses Teate , weanes the childe ; so thy detestation , or continuall inuectiue against that vice which thou wouldst abolish in the Childes nature , remooues it sooner then stripe , or furious choller towardes the Childe himselfe . For these bee able to make him , not abandon the vice , because hee abhorres thee ; and in despight will keepe it , notwithstanding eye-seruice : whereas folly being hated for its owne sake , ( because it is deformed ) the expounder of this deformitie may bee still beloued . Vicious men may , without question , bee entertained by Princes , & giue much morality : prouided alwayes , that apprehensiue natures be neere hand , to make applications . For then as the Apes heart ( it selfe beeing a most timorous Creature ) being well applyed , begetts courage in the patient : So Cowards , Epicures , and blasphemous persons , may ( by good compositions ) produce Valiancie , Abstinence , and Humilitie in Princes : but poysons bee a dangerous physicke , without skilfull professors . The study to discerne Nature in Noble persons , should bee equivalent to their owne disquisition of nature in others ; for seeing they ought by superintendence to ouer-looke man , they should bee perfect in the Character of Man , bearing their best Librarie about them . They should represent the Lyon , who is noted ( aboue all ) to carry a most valiant head , and a Maiesticke countenance ; intimating the apparant and invisible potencie of high spirits . Besides ( that I may continue this Mythologie ) the necke of a Lyon hath no ioyntes ; whereby he cannot looke backwards , vnlesse hee turnes his body ; neither can Princes , without scandall to their courage , and bountie , turne their head onely vpon the foe that makes pursuite , with a meaning to runne away faster , and not regaine their Title , or recall gifts with an intention to vpbrayd , except they turne themselues to encounter , or their iust rage to inflict a deserued ruine . The back of Lyons carries a magnanimous bredth : And all the noble deeds of Ancestors , historicall examples of Monarchs , with infinite renowned precepts of former ages , make but one broad backe president , to strengthen the wisedome of Princes . The bones of a Lyon haue lesse marrow then others ; for lasciuious suell diminisheth valour . The want of pith therefore makes Oke more durable then Elda ; and a contempt of wantonnesse prouokes Princes to an vnmoueable subsistence . Lyons haue an exquisite propertie to smell out their owne aduantage : For it is reported , the male knowes when the Lionesse hath beene adulterous with the Panther , by a peculiar sense of smelling : And the wisest part of men worthily descended , is to betray their owne abuses ; for men of this ranck are incident to strong delusions . A Lyon sleepes and yet his eies are open : so prouident high Statesmen , that possesse much , cannot haue eyes too many , or too watchfull : Neither may absolute man incurre security . When Lyons deuoure , famine doth inforce them ; And when Kings take the sword , a zealous appetite , to satisfie forgotten vertue , should prouoke them . Neither may generous Natures bee nobly offended , except , as by an impulsiue , or sufficient cause , they ouercome . So by a Heroyicke scorne to malice , they can both swallow and digest the cause with the conquest . Howsoeuer it may bee fictitiously reported , that Lyons haue ( by a miraculous motion ) beene defensiue to condemned Martyrs ; yet may the obseruation affoord thus much morality : That , as a true noble man may by no meanes receiue a more excellent moderation of spirit , and spur , to greatly-good actions , then by a religious Feare ; so cannot this bee any way expressed better ( himselfe being so eminent ) then in perfection of Diuine Iustice , and good mens causes . It is admirable ( if true ) to see how generously Lyons haue scorned to be base debtors : Insomuch that it is memorably reported , Androcles a vagabond captiue , cured a Lyons paw ; In gratification whereof , the Lyon afterwards ( when Androcles was among the Romane spectacles to bee deuoured ) spares , and protects him against a rampant Pardall : Which carryeth a double precept for generous natures ' : First , a preseruatiue against ingratitude , where followers haue bene seruiceable ; then a contempt to be a slauish debtor ( if meanes can auoide it ) especially to base-minded Trades-men ; who vpon single debts inforce a double ingagement : Both of credite and restitution : for if you remaine in their bookes for a commodity , you must remaine likewise in their fauour to auoide scandall , reiterations , and commemorations among all societies . Such is the common treacherous basenesse of their conditions , though they protest otherwise ; which may exhort any Noble minde to beleeue this Maxime True ; Hee hath discharged halfe his reputation among men , that scornes the credite of a Cittizen , or ind●ed any man. An other singular note is fixed vpon this magnanimous beast aboue written ; his wrath extends no further then the prouocation . And therefore when the Arabian souldier , charging a Lyon with his Speare , was disappointed of the obiect , and ouer-threw himselfe with violence ; the Lyon returned , & onely nipping his head a little ( for his presumption ) departed quietly . This being confirmed with many famous examples , I may infer thus much . If it may seeme conuenient or honorable for Nobility offended , to punish , not respecting penitent submission ( which may without high offences seeme tyrannicall ) yet if the punishment exceed the crime , wee may confidently accompt it bestial , & worse . Again it is notably remembred , that Lyons neuer run away , except they can priuately withdraw , ( being ouercome with multitude ) into a secure Mountaine , or wildernesse . And I obserue that it ill becomes a braue resolution , to enter himselfe among proiects , from which he must necessarily recoile , except hee carries a cautelous eie , and true circumspection . Lastly , I may conclude this moralized comparison , with Aesops controuersie betwixt a Lyonesse and the Fox : the Foxe commends her owne fruitfull generation , seeming to disgrace the Lyons single birth , to which this answer doth reioyne : I bring forth one , & yet that one is a Lyon : which good allusiō may remoue the curse which some would cast vpon Nobility , because often their children in number be inferiour to common prostitutes : But I am peremptorily resolued , that the multiplicity of children reares vp an obscure family , and brings an ancient stocke to ruine : For among many base childrens blessings , birth may make variety of fortunes : But among much Noble posterity , Fortune doth challenge a more vaste partition ; and makes a discontented heire fit for all innouating enterprises ; so that one Noble remainder of much antiquity , or one true Lyon of a family ( if Art and Nature can be made operatiue ) will be a more safe prop to succession , then the doubtfull variety of children . I obserue it as an infa●lible rule , that there haue beene as many base originals , as their haue beene honorable descents in Nobility . For , as questionlesse the largest Riuers bee deriued from lowly Springs ; So birth and succession haue beene so basely intermingled , so casually interrupted , so frequently impaired , and very often attainted ( though with absolution ) that I may well iustifie the first principle , and adde further , That generally , to maintaine the noble estate of dead Ancestors , requires as much true policy , as to erect a new Family : And to exceed the patterne of heroicke ancestry , deserues perpetuall commendations . Which purpose cannot prosper well , except we preuent or auoid oppositions , rather then purchase new addition . For men may clime better by troublesome , rough , and dangerous passages , then stand tottering vpon the eminent spire : and therfore hath contentious dealing beene the ouer-throw of kingdomes , and flourishing Captaines ; because prosperity is waspish , & brookes no competition , nor almost assistance . The Historian therfore saith well : None more deafe to counsell then natures vnthwarted ; none more obtemperate to bee counselled , then men destitute . As for the ambitious extasie of noble spirits , which makes them indirectly consult vpon new addition ; the Fable doth condemne them perspicuously : for like Aesops Dogge , they snatch at shadowes , and loose the certainty , who dote vpon such couetous desires . Presumption also , and Popularitie , be two treacherous confederates : the first was neuer good when a Kings fauour is the obiect ; so long as Mines and Countermines haue beene the Court-deuises . The last will neuer be good ; so long as people do but conduct their fauorites to the Scaffold , and cry Alas , it is pitty ; but who can helpe it ? The first cannot thriue , because offences with Kings outweigh merits : as also the iealous còceit of safety , is a multitude of feares , and they threaten the most highly fauoured : The last is mortall , because hee surfets of one dish ; nothing but fame : serued in ( like Turkish Rice ) by infinite waiters . And shall wee wonder if it choakes him , when he deuoures all ? The best loue therefore that can be bestowed vpon the people , or the best friendship that you can receiue from them , is to suffer them in things indifferent , or not to shew a currish seuerity : for ( like the Hungarian Heyduckes ) their wrath is prone to mischiefe , and their amity is worth nothing : so that indeed to flatter with them , and not regard them , is a sound proposition : For if Coriolanus contemnes their authority , they can abhorre his name , and banish his person : or at least banish him from preuailing in publicke assistance . The safest course ( that I can be acquainted with ) to confirme and perfectly retaine noble dignities with good approuall ; is to be immutable honest , and no reported Polititian : for the very name containes ( among generall opinions ) much powder-treason , Atheisme , curses of inferiours , and condemnations of all , except their close minions . An other thing that doth briefely replenish a noble Spirit , must be more example , dispatch , or quick perfect motion , then precepts or doctrines : These being the dull laborious obiect , of melancholy Artists ; the other being a Rhetoricall inducement to establish the delight of action : In which nothing drawes greater efficacie , then speedinesse and fortunate euent ; though both these relie much vpon a contriuing faculty , which is begotten by a frequent practise . And therefore it betokens a sluggish feare , and priuate weakenesse , when wee loath to enterprise : For couragious mindes acquire hability ( through custome ) equall to desire : but when the appetite failes I perceiue no stomack of Nobility . It may seeme somewhat controuersiall , whether State-knowledge , or Militant resolutions be more gracefull to generosity : And , questionlesse , I conceiue few Romane Senators , or not any ( except Cicero ) was vnsufficient to lead an Army , as well as to deliuer his opinion in the Councell-chamber : both be so vnseparably annexed , as wee may hardly thinke he aduises the Common-wealth louingly , who is afraid to iustifie the Common-wealths quarrell ; when himselfe adiudges it lawfull . As for the outward pompe or magnific●nce of mighty persons , it may become a festiuall day better then common pollicy : for this age doth not so soone adiudge the royall minde , as the fantasticke humour , by expence of needlesse brauery ; accompting that rather magnificence , when we expend our own about the Kingdomes glory : which by reflexe produces an apparant loue , and feare toward such actiue spirits . For all men reuerence him truely , who is impartiall , and industrious to aduance equity , or to confirme goodnesse with goodnesse among a l. And howsoeuer the full stomackes of men will hardly suffer them to commend such worthy ones aliue ; yet haue their deaths beene alwaies deplorable . Whereas polliticke braines with false bottomes , haue found a publique curse , which was before restrained with Authority . I dare not become an Instructor , it appertaines to deepe Professours : Neither can I reproue , it may incurre the name of Malapert : I labour onely , to proue by demonstratiue reasons , which is bare Counsell . As for Nobility , if it beare the name of Legitimate , it will beare a contempt also ( with Agesilaus ) to be reproued , when paines may happily discharge their function . Neither at any time shall high births aspire to hazardous downefals , if they esteeme honor as the reward of vertue , no vertue in it selfe . Of Disinheritance . ESSAY . V. IT is more impossible for an vnnaturall father to bee a true friend , then for an abused sonne , to be an obedient sonne : because I thinke it is an irrepugnable precept . That he who from a diuelish disposition findes a soone-moued contrariety betwixt himselfe and his vndoubted children , must ( of necessity ) bee a man who refuses all men , except aduantage pleades for them ; seeing he neglects those , for whom nature pleades , if aduantage bee absent . The same may be inferred concerning all degenerate Kinsfolke , though in a lesse degree . But for the first I haue obserued it generally ; that he who was apt for disinheritance , hath bene a man alwaies of as many affections , as there be faces : And as prompt to refuse any , as to receiue any , if hee might saue by the bargain . Howsoeuer subiects be now grown so tyrannical , that where pretences may accōplish their malice , they cannot thinke there is a God , or , at least , they think God fauours their proceedings . For calumnious pretences , and aggrauated trisles haue bene the common glosse of parents cruelty in this kind : Their president is vulgar , for tyrants neuer slew without state-Alchimy , or multiplication of pretended treasons ; neither may Alexander lack occasion , so long as he had a meaning to kill Antisten●s . The hungry woolfe may call the lamb his debtor , but a good stomack is the day of payment and the prouerbe is well verified : If thou wouldst beate a dog heere is a staffe . So that although churlish parents pretend iust causes of disinheritance , yet these are quickly found , soone allowed , & as soon amplyfied . Frō whence you may gather , that no sparke of naturall affection , but only a compulsiue maintenance , keeps the reference betwixt such parents , and such children . For louing nature and affection be flexible , of long forbearance , much pitty , manifest care ; & keepe an establisht forme of affability , with which friends or kinsfolk be vnacquainted : this prouokes an eminent reflexe of loue ; whereas rough carriage begets loue in Curres , but a contēptible scorne in Noble Spirits . It is therefore more commendable to follow the extreame of vertue abounding , then defectiue : The first partakes with mediocritie in the nature ; but the last is altogether opposite . We may more safely therefore allow indulgence , then austerity ; because it approcheth neerer to true loue . For though indulgence hath made children loftie in behauiour towards others , yet ( I obserue ) it breeds a true and vndiuorced affection towards the originall cause . It is therefore an excellent rule , for children , to receiue instruction of strangers ; and by the consequent , to bee any way restrain'd without the parents knowledge , or at least their taking notice : whereby Nature cannot grudge against Nature , nor yet want reprehension . For howsoeuer Marcus Cato said well , That he had rather vnrewarded for doing well , then vnpunished for offences : yet we haue naturally a secret spleene against the Iudge , though wee account him righteous and impartiall . It must bee expected then , that children doe know a difference betwixt Fathers and Maisters ; which makes them the more implacable , when they see Nature impartiall . From hence Sertorius , a politicke Captaine , would not himselfe represse the impudence of his Souldiers ; least , howsoeuer they deserued ill , yet his correction might take away their louing dutie : which respect made him suffer the enemies incursions , rather to scourge their insolence , whilst they , out of a hare-brained lunasie desired battaile . And thus the sacred decree of Correction may bee kept vnviolate , and the loue of Children vnblemished . For I am vnanswerably perswaded , that parents wrath diminisheth the Childes loue , making him seruile , or else refractorie to the doctrine of themselues and others ; because they cannot vndertake with delight , so long as frownes and feare bee crept into their fancie . But affable parents beget truely affectionate children , who may endure another mans reproofe to mitigate the name of Cosset , and yet louingly adore the father because hee was alwayes louing . So then the Fathers diligent loue , and a Tutors modest instruction , may make a seldome-seene heire affect his Fathers life without hypocrisie , and proue a venerable wise man. Without which loue apparant , or oftentimes indulgence , I see an eldest sonne , instead of the Fathers blessing , render backe sweating curses . I see another inclining onely to the mother ; and a third , slippe into his disinherited Fortune . The Comaedian therefore saith ingenuously touching a fathers dutie : I ouer-passe expences , I call not euery thing to a strict account ; and that which other sonnes labour to keepe secret , I do not bitterly condemne in mine , lest many things should bee concealed ; for hee that ( through a rugged vsage ) depriues his father ( by false excuses ) of youthfull accidents , will soone deceiue others . It is more availeable then , to governe by liberalitie , not base compulsion : for hee that thus becomes obedient , expects onely till hee may want the witnesse of his actions . Now for the dangerous effect of parents changeable loue ( it having beene propounded , that want of loue breedes disinheritance ) I will demonstrate , how horrible , vnlawful , & impossible disinheritance maybe iudiciously accounted . The diuorce of mariage is a weighty case , much forbidden , much controverted ; because marriage it selfe is made a strict vnion , so farre as Husbands seeme incorporate with their Wiues , being both to bee taken as one flesh . But this vnion admits many exceptions ; neither may any thinke their being made one , extends further , then the rhetoricall aggravation of vnitie , to insinuate how difficult a thing Diuorce will be betwixt two , so narrowly vnited : but children haue a more exquisite property of indiuorceable , because they really partake with parents by existence ; deriving a particular & true strength of body from the parents abilitie . And therefore it seemes the matter of disinheritance is a thing so odious , as ( being held improbable to be acted among the Iewes , or any Nation ) no Law of Scripture contradicts it . Indeed rebellious sonnes are by the verdict of Divine iniunction , to suffer death , if they shall strike the parents , or rise vp against them : But for the matter of Disinheritance ( which farre transcends the punishment of death , as shall appeare ) I haue read no sillable which may giue the toleration of Divinitie . Death indeed , comparatiuely respected , may bee thought the best wages of a rebellious sonne : for the act includes his full sentence ; because to smite his parent , is to seeke the destruction of his efficient cause : which act keepes within it so much ingratitude , as heauenly Iustice can doe no lesse then remoue him , who durst remoue his begetter ; it beeing an inseparable part of holinesse , to pay offenders with their owne coyne . But disinheritance so much exceeds death , as it approches to a continued torment . Death is so fa●re from misery , wh●re men expiate offences , as it rather affoords felicity , because it giues a present satisfaction , and a present hope to enioy a good portion ; if penitence , and a satisfactory mind be companions . But disinheriritance , or abdication , doth not onely enforce death , but makes the circumstance tyrannicall . A violent death is but an abridgement of nature ; but disinheritance doth often bring a violent death , and enlarge the wickednesse of nature . I see no difference betwixt them in the conclusion : for death is an effect commonly of disinheritance ; but no death more excludes all humanitie . The case is palpable . I giue directions to a traveller : hee arrogantly contemnes my counsell ; which doth so much provoke mee , as ( to amend the matter ) I draw him by compulsion to an apparant ambush : in which , after many sustained abuses , horrible vexations , and desperate incounters , hee concludes his life with infamie ; or perhaps blasphemy . So , currish and cruell parents , by disinheritance deales every way answerable to this similitude . The hor●or of which barbarisme is the more amplified , by so much as naturall affinitie claimes a more humane president then strangers . Banishment or abiuration is tolerable : for it takes originall by publicke decree , superior counsell , and authority of those , from whom I can chalenge nothing but iustice ; wheras disinheritance , a National banishment ( transcending forraine exile in the Cause and Manner ) proceedes from priuate occurrences , which cannot reach so high an affliction ; because the nature of it is equall to , nay aboue publicke iustice . Now it may well bee esteemed humane , when parents punish with rigor , where the Law condemnes not ; because in every offence highly punishable , the Law is open : if that condemnes , the Parents loue may a little bee excused , though hee doth not excuse his sonnes accusation ; but where himselfe exceedes the Lawes rigor , when the Law is silent , and becomes Accuser , Iudge , and Executioner , wee may discouer a damnable flintie heart ; apt enough for massacre ; seeing hee first plaies the tyrant with his owne Image . Parents therefore cannot argue and say ( except Disinheritance ) they haue no remedie for disobedience ; seeing there is no crime which may deserue so great satisfaction , but the Law is all-sufficient to render Iustice , and saue them vnpreiudiced in the aspersion of Vnnaturall : which the Title Disinheritance drawes with it inseparate . For if wee take a view of those impulsiue causes which breede occasion , wee shall perceiue how accessary Parents bee to all their Childrens vices ; and by the consequent , how culpable they are to punish that so strictly , of which themselues bee Authors . Setting aside the position which makes the Children participate with Parents in vices liable to constitution , wee may ( without these ) demonstrate , how guiltie they are of each notorious crime in Children , through a deficiencie of rectified education . For as , in naturall productions , nothing is so absurd , from which Art cannot extract a deere quintessence ; so among naturall men , and the conditions of humanitie , nothing is so irregular , from which industrious and true instructiue methode cannot produce a Divine excellence . Indeed the disquisition of natures is difficult , and much iudicious labour belongs to the true sifting of a perverse disposition . But questionlesse , the worst natured among all badde men , are , by a true seasoning of minoritie , a wise progresse , or institution of ripe yeares , and an ingenious confirmation of practises well deserued ; they are capable of goodnesse , subdued in mischiefe , and apprehensiue in a sufficient measure . So that we must not ignorantly impute the curse of Children to a wrong cause , seeing it is either the curse of the Parents ; First , not to instruct children at all . Secondly , not to instruct them sufficiently . Thirdly , not in the true manner . Examples are infinite : Alcibiades may include all . Hee , a voluptuous and sensuall Swaggerer , could neuer bee reclaimed by many strong experiments ; till comming by chaunce to the Philosophicall Lecture of Socrates , hee was suddenly converted : such a sympathie there was betwixt this Philosophers doctrine , and the Disciples attention ; whereas twenty others might perhappes haue beene frustrate in the same conuersion , though their Precepts had beene equall ; because there is an invisible concordance to make them aequiualent . Which manner of instruction , respecting the qualitie and person , of method and Tutors , bee matters onely appertaining to the Parents charge . Now ( if a curse imposed vpon them , bee a hinderance to the perfection of both , whereby they neither can be prouided of true Instructors or instructions ) Shall wee accuse the childe as an efficient of the Fathers curse , or the fathers curse now existent , as an originall of the childs future inconueniences ? This being necessarily concluded , wee may well inferre , concerning disinheritance , That parents curses beeing the onely causes which may prouoke this irreligious act ( seeing they might sometimes , but doe not , and doe not sometimes because they cannot , though it be possible , ingraft goodnesse ) by their owne ignorance ; wee may inferre , ( and that most iustly ) that they resemble Heliogabalus , who being the cause of his friendes drunkennesse , would cast the miserable wretches amongst tame Beares and Lyons , to terrifie them when they awaked . But herein they differ : hee was the voluntarie cause of his Friendes ; Parents , the vnadvised cause of their Childrens errour : in stead of which hee threw his friendes among tame Beares and Lyons ; Parents , by disinheritance , throw their issue amongst rampant Wolues . For besides the perplexed imfamie , and sorrowfull perturbations of such excluded Castawayes ; what shal we coniecture touching their desperate resolution ? Or how shall wee condemne , if they bee mercilessely ouerthrowne by the impulsiue necessity of destruction ? Seeing their destitute fortune inuites them to embrace each glistering temptation , and to shake hands with calamity . I cannot ( for mine owne part ) comprehend all this without remembrance and pitty of such parents ruines ; seeing they cannot discharge all , before children haue incurred destruction without them . Nothing is written which doth not amplifie our instruction ( saith Diuinity ) and Nothing amongst all is more effectuall then true OBSERVATIONS , except DIVINITIE . Most ingenious therefore and full of perswasion , may that Morality bee , soone collected from insensible creatures , they haue an excellent and singular loue ( each creature in his kind ) to nourish vp their weake little ones . The hunted Lionesse driues her whelpes before . The pregnant Beare forsakes not her den vntill she be deliuered ; neither do the whelpes come forrh vntill they can escape danger . The Snake swallowes her yong , if any disaduantage happens . And aboue all , most admirable is natures ingenuity , touching that forraine creature , called by the name of Su ; which ( being persecuted ) shuts vp her Cubbes in a depending scrip , and so protects them from the Huntsman . The multitude of examples would be tedious . Briefly therefore , it is a generall note among them ; they neuer forsake their infantry till it be able euery way ( like themselues ) to preuent mischiefe . This may rebuke all cruell-minded parents , who ( notwithstanding the discursiue light of reason ) can cast off meere Humanity , and goe beneath a brutish goodnesse of nature , not onely to forsake , but to abhorre their issue ; and leaue them destitute , before they be any way enabled to sustaine nature . For children bee indeed thus reiected euer , because they be vnable . Omitting these indifferent allegations , which some may account sophistry , rather then sound doctrine ; because they beleeue nothing but what Scripture makes apparant ; nor that can be accepted among them , vnlesse no Christian contradicts it ; neither can that which all acknowledge , winne oftentimes any more then outward beleefe . It shall bee therefore sufficient to confute this errour in question , by the soundest proofe ; and then the vnbeliefe of Hypocrites will serue to multiply their condemnations . Wee cannot ( where things bee left vntouched in Scripture ) assume a safer patterne then the Omnipotent properties of our Creator . First then , that Metaphoricall affinitie , of father and sonne , which Himselfe hath pleased to entertaine betwixt Himselfe and the Elected , may serue to instruct parents ( without controuersie ) in all degrees of duty , and inseparate relation . Now all agree vpon this Principle , that whomsoeuer God hath once loued , him hee hath loued euerlastingly . It is impossible therefore , if at any time there hath bene Amity betwixt father and sonne , that ( this being obserued ) it should fall away to disinheritance . For if Gods Maiestie descend so low , as to continue his loue alwaies where Hee hath begunne to Loue : shall not imitation hereof be requisite in fathers , who be commanded to loue their children , and in whom nature exacts more proportionate equality , then in the least degree can be imagined betwixt holinesse and frailty ? each circumstance appeares so manifest , as I know not how Sophisters can colourably distinguish . A second instance may confirme this president . God neuer hath forsaken the most wicked Reprobates , till they haue voluntarily forsaken him first : The prodigall demanded his portion , left his father , and yet the father willingly accepts him being conuerted . This becomes farre opposite to the practise of our age : so peremptory is the humor of disinheriting-parents , as they forget common charity , and refuse loue with an implacable contempt of reconcilement . As for the pretended causes which commonly prouoke parents , I cannot any way coniecture , that they be either halfe so infinite , or in the least degree so terrible , as those with which all parents prouoke Omnipotence : & therfore I cannot well see how such fathers can claime the petition of forgiuenesse , when they cannot forgiue their owne issue . The heire of a Kingdome entitles himselfe not more iustly to his Crowne , then eldest sonnes do to their homely inheritance . Now I obserue , that wheresoeuer hath been a successory regiment , there , weake-braind , ryotous , tyrannicall , and lewd princes , haue been admitted to their dignities without contradiction . And doth not the bloud of common heires answere to a Kings priuiledge , in the Title of Legitimate ? Why then shall wee protect such vniust partialitie ? If children should receiue no more thē they deserue : or if they shold claime interest of loue , no longer then merits make a full proportion ; how should the liberality of parents , and the prerogatiue of children , appeare ? or what thankes and filiall loue may Fathers expect from such Children , more then from good Apprentices ? Cimon could intombe his Mares , when they purchased credite in the swift races of Olimpiades . Xanthippus could bewaile his dogges death which had followed his Maister from Calamina . Alexander could erect a Citty in the honor of Bucephalus , when hee had long bene defended by him in the dangerous attempts of many fortunate battailes . The Asse may well ( among the Heathen ) be adorned with Lillies , Violets , and Garlands ; when their Goddesse , Vesta , by an Asses voyce , auoyded the rape of Priapus . If merits therefore should onely challenge the loue of parents , nothing might make a difference betwixt sonnes and bond-slaues : Seeing bare Humanity , and the Law of Nations hath accounted the honours of One worthy to be honored , nothing but equall and necessary thankes . Nay , in all ages , so bountifull and respectiue hath authority beene to true merites , as euen the desertlesse children haue met with dignitie to remunerate the fathers worthinesse : Thus did the Athenians bestow great wages vpon Lysimachus , to gratifie the seruice of Aristides : And thus the Romans preferred the cause of Marcus Brutus , because his Ancestors had tooke the Countries quarrell against tyrants . Shall fathers then esteeme it such irregular custome to dignifie their owne begotten issue , though desertlesse ; seeing strangers haue done this to congratulate good fathers ? Two examples there bee antient and moderne ( worth our memory ) that shew the practise of our Theame in question ; and affoords singular obseruation . The first is euident , in the raigne of Agis a Lacedemonian King : In whose principall Citie of Sparta , the custome had prohibited alienations that preiudice the heire : The custome grew to bee a confirmed Law : After continuance , there fell a difference betwixt one of the highest Magistrates and his eldest sonne : The father was so actually prouoked , that hee exhibites a Decree to licence Disinheritance ; the Decree was established : And afterward ( saith Plutarch ) couetousnesse became publick . From hence my obseruation is double . First , the originall cause of disinheritance was fury : Secondly , the commodity was ranke couetousnesse . Lastly , it is apparant by the Tower-rowles , that ( during the raigne of Edward the fourth ) one Thomas Burdet an Englishman , being somewhat innocently condemned to death ( about captions tearmes ignorantly vttered ) in his way to death espied his eldest sonne , whom ( before ) hee disinherited : him therefore hee penitently receiued ; and hauing now confessed seriously , that hee felt Gods wrath vpon him onely to punish that vnnaturall sinne : Hee humbly beg'd forgiuenesse of God , and of his sonne : The application of such a paenitent remorse is easy . Hauing now marshald vp this troope of Arguments , which ( I thinke ) are approueable ; some ( questionlesse ) will account them white-liuerd souldiers , drest vp onely with a Rhetoricall habite : But censure is no lesse infinite , then oftentimes odious : Tryall therefore shall discharge the integrity of these ; whilst I proceed briefly to muster one troope more ; whose courage is enough animated by their aduersaries weaknes ; if not impossibility of appearance . For if the birth-right ( which intitles an heire ) be inseparate , then the prerogatiue is also inseparate ; for inheritance depends vpon priority ; which being vnremoueable ; the adiunct essentiall cannot perish without the subiect . Relations therefore be so congruous , that we may sooner affirme the Sonne and Father not to be , then heires and inheritance not to bee correlatiues : and by the consequent as lawfully may wee depriue both of Beeing ; as we may permit the one without the other . ( : * : . : * : . : * : ) ( *** ) ESSAY . VI. Of Poetry . POETRY is called the worke of nature : I rather thinke it a Diuine alacrity , entertained by the fitnesse of nature : for if ( in generall ) a cheerefull spirit partakes of a Diuine influence ; then this ( being spiritually maintained , with a desire to communicate , and expresse such quickning inventions ) can bee no other , being the soule of alacrity , then an inuisible Diuine worke ; which doth transport nature ; whilst nature meruailes at the cause . * Philosophie hath diuided our soules faculty ; and makes the Intelligent part our principall essence ; that cannot perish : Poetry depends on that , and a sublime fancie ; they being the helpes of our dispofall : or ( to speake truely ) a Poet vseth euery function of the soule : Depending vpon which , hee must reiect Nature : for Nature perisheth ; the Soule cannot . Nature is then the Hand-maide ; but an Infusiue worthinesse , the soule of Poetry . Conceiue but this , and Nature will disclaime : Nature imparts her Faculties by Generation ; excluding study and custome : A Poet neuer is engendred so , further then a naturall Logician , therefore he exceeds Nature . We may obserue a sweete concordance in this mighty Fabricke : All things are coupled with an allusiue vnion : Life , is a flash of immortality ; Sleepe , of death : middle age of Summer : Arts also , and ages past , haue a similitude with things inferiour , and signifie things future . Language is likened to a Casket , Logicke to an Artificers Instrument ; Rhetoricke to a pretious Colour ; And Poetry likewise hath a fit resemblance with Prophecy : both bee an vnutterable rapture ; both bee a boundlesse large capacitie : both bee a vniversall tractate : both bee confined within a small number : both bee discredited with false pretenders : both bee dispersed among men ( originally ) obscure : both bee alike neglected : both ( generally ) contemned alike . Poetry is made the conveyance of amorous delights : and certainely it doth bestow much sweetnesse in apparrelling loue-accents . This onely might discover it for a supreme donatiue ; seeing the musicke in heaven is an agreement of soules . Ierome Savanarola , the Monkish Phylosopher , makes Poetry a part of reasonable Philosophy ; maintaining this , against naturall pretenders of Poetry : I will not meddle with his arguments , they are elaborate and learned : the truth is evident without serious proofe . Verse and Rime bee things naturall : for they be onely colour and appearance : but if you value the Phrase and the Materials after the same proportion ; as thinking your conceit able to furnish a poeme ; you shall indeed perceiue it likewise naturall ; that is , naked , vnpolished , nay the scorne of Poetry . A quicke contriving head may vtter laudably ; but never was a braine so sudden , as to compose well without the president of others in the like kinde : nay , take the most illiterate Writers , ( who propound experience and familiar allusions ) they haue a time to Meditate , to compare , to dispose . This Art of Poetry cannot proue eminent , vnlesse the writer hath a reioycing heart , an apprehensiue head , and a disclouded memory . It is impossible therefore for one deiected by calamity , or one perplexed with questions of another Science , to get perfection in this free knowledge : I say , perplexed with questions of another Science ; because a Poet should rather copiously discourse of all , by application to a witty purpose , rather then be exquisite in a particular Art , respecting depth of rule , or quidditie . Notions , coniectures , and some of the best passages , be more sufficient for him , then a praecise certaintie of rules . He therfore who propounds excellence , must refuse the multitude of questions , and the vexation of miseries : both bee as clogges and fetters to that aspiring facultie . From hence I may conclude the perfection of this Science doth match the straines of right Alch●mie : it being ( in both ) alike impossible to find that man who shall directly promise to attaine perfection ; because impediments exceede the meanes . The nourishment of Poetry is good applause : for Poems being made to allure and bewitch the reader in a lesson of moral precept , must prosper in their meaning , or be discountenanced : As all professions be , which make mens good opinions the reward of knowledge : and therefore hath England affoorded few men accurate in Poetry , because opinion hath vouchsafed to ranke her among triviall labours , and recreatiue vanities : whereas the Italians haue proved singular proficients ; because ( saith Rosinus ) authority hath graced their elegance . The reason ( I thinke ) which hath wrought in England such a degenerate value of Poems , proceeded ( first ) from the the professors ignorance & generall basenesse : but secondly from the stubborn gravity of the best readers ; who scorne to account the best Poems profitable works , because all haue hitherto bin accounted slight composures , or at best vnprofitable . And we imagine it a weaknesse to recant an error . Some haue certainely contemned the worthiest labors even throgh malicious despaire of attempting the like worthily . Howsoever , the base opinion which Poetry incurs among vs , hath bin repaid with iustice : that is , the discredit of our Nation : for our vnder-valuing opinion hath deprived the publicke of more iudicious workes then bee already extant : And so the glory of our Nations eminent wit , hath beene eclipsed with forraigners . As for the private and sensible benefit ( which any shal conceiue in publishing his labours ) I see none vertuous but this : he may excuse ( by them ) his silent nature ; and bee accounted better , as a Melancholy Poet , then a speechlesse foole . Fame and Eminence savour of a fruitlesse ambition ; that will now purchase nothing for Poetry by preferment , but an opinion that Poetry is his knowledge , and ( it being so ) that he is fit for nothing else : or some perhaps ; nay , the wisest , will bestow compassion , and say , It is pitty such a pregnant wit should e●d●uour so idly . These bee the comforts of beeing famous : let Doetrs be ambitious of it . The deepest Poets haue neglected verse , I meane the polished forme of verse : but I would sooner loue such workes in prose ; and heartily intreate such writers , even for their own dispatch-sake , and the readers also , to abandon Poetry , except they can avoyd that crabbed stile and forme , which weakens any readers appetite and apprehension . The relish of Poetry is a candied barke : an elegance so sweetned with apt phrase and illustration , as it excludes rough harshnesse , and all mystery : controversies and Phylosophicall questions bee therefore improper arguments for a Poeticall tractate : they cannot be expressed with an inticing libertie . Similitudes be the fit interpreters of Poets : when I affirme this , I doe not approue all similitudes , but such as doe interprete : which they cannot do , except they be more familiar then the thing interpreted . This condemnes any , who from a depth in learning , shall produce the Mathematickes , to illustrate Grammer : or shall compare things knowne by repetition to an example in Astronomy . Poore and Prodigall haue been a Poets Titles : these haue been fixt with a contemptiue meaning : but I imagine they advance his qualitie : for therefore he neglects wealth , because he feeles in himselfe a Iewell which can redeeme his bondage in adversitie . Freedome of Braine and Body is a Poets musicke : Peace and Health preserue , and do reviue his fancie . When therefore a Reward is motiue , it makes the labour like it selfe , servile . Poetry should therefore ( being an impartiall free science ) be vndertaken by the free Professor ; a man sufficient in estate : such a one as need not vse flattery to win reward ; nor so indite , that things may be dispatched quickly , and his wants quickly furnished ; nor so dispatch , that hee may rather make things saleable , through obscoenitie or scandals , then approved labour . These mischiefes follow a mercenarie hope : and therefore be mercenarie Poets odious : such ( I meane ) as are provoked by poverty , and will exact their wages . ESSAY VII . Of Discontents . PLeasure and Sorrow bee the obiects of vertue : but discontents may be thoght rather the obiects of pleasure . Vertue moderates the folly of pleasure & sorrow : but pleasure so moderated , remoues discontents . I reckon discontēts among my private * sorrowes ; which amplifie my owne mis-fortune ; which feele the same ( perhaps ) a greater torment for my friends misery , then my owne : yes , I am better assured of my owne fortitude to contemne sorrowes , then of my friends aptnesse , to relish my counsels ; or of his owne freedome to advise himselfe : and therefore his vexation ( he being my selfe ) afflicts me more iniuriously : because I can overcome my owne , better then His. I call those properly D●scontēted , who are busiethoughted : who , like brainelesse patients , are almost desperate if another giues them poyson ; and yet ( being recovered ) they will adventure to poyson themselues : for many of this ranke you shall perceiue , who having passed the discontents which come by others malice , will ( of their owne accord ) frame new perplexities : They will conceiue things otherwise then they be , and so nourish a conceit till they beleeue it reall . Opinion is indeed the mediate cause of discontents ; but then a rectified or false capacitie ( being an immediate cause of rectified or false opinions ) begets a true or idle discontent . I call that idle , which is begotten by an idle fancie : such idle discontents are soone expelled ; they are a causelesse Melancholy , begot by alteration , dispersed by alteration : But Melancholy , meeting with a reall cause , becomes a setled mischiefe . Howsoever , nothing ( though most worth our discontent ) can bee said His or My discontent , vnlesse wee so conceiue it . For certainly , a carelesse resolution may be freed from conscience and discontent together : wheras perhaps a nice examining head may so ensnare it selfe with multitude of thoughts , that the confusion may prouoke both : but then a carelesse resolution serues worthily to abate such idle , and such reall discontents . For as in naturall bodies fasting and food destroy & nourish ; so in our daily proiects , cōsideratiue thoughts and carelesse negligence fasten & remoue . The best * Philosophers haue left a doubtfull number of mens perturbations ; some assigne sixe , some fiue , some foure , some eleven . They might ( in my conceit ) be all reduced vnto a triple number : including likewise the very causes of all discontent . Imagine therefore they proceed first from iealousies of what kind soever ; either in being contemned , neglected , or ambiguous of good successe : then from doubts not to be resolued , either through weaknesse of our vnderstanding , or intricacie of the question , then from an extreame desire , either of things difficult or impossible . To iealousies , and such desires , all are incident ; to doubts and questions , Schollers , or Scholler-like heads onely : these comprehend the summe of all our crosses : of all our sorrowes both in soule and body : Nay , all more narrowly may be reduced to a desire : for when we briefly say , He hath his desire , we must withall intend , that he is neither troubled with pleasure , griefe , feare , audacity , hope or anger : the sixe turbulent passions reckoned by Plato . Certainly ( amongst all ) perplexed questions be to a labouring head , most troublesome : and lesse blameable was that found * Philosopher , who made the Ocean capable of him , because he was not capable of reason for the Ebbe and Flow ; rather then such as be ashamed to liue , when either needinesse , feare , ignominy , griefe , or disappoyntments contradict them . It is meere bestiall to dye vpon such weake incounters ; which might be all confuted with a Heathens knowledge : but then to dye for ignorance may seeme excuseable : for such a liue is bestiall , where we are ignorant of reason ; and better is it to be ignorant of reason how to prevent death , then to preserue life in ignorance . The truth is , our discontents of any kinde do mis-informe our iudgement ; no otherwise then a busie knaue , who ( seeing the bad luck of lawfull meanes ) doth bribe the Magistrate and neuer was a Magistrate more easily bribed , then is a iudgement ( so oppressed ) corrupted . Wee haue no liberty to know , much lesse to iudge ; no reason to discourse , much lesse to put a difference , no freedome to conceiue , much lesse to vnderstand , when Discontents do trouble vs. They interpose our brightest eminence of wisedome ; no otherwise then clowdes darken the Sunnes glory : They keepe a strong possession against our vertue & all good society . The most significant title they can deserue is Trecherous : for they breed sensibly an innovation ; begetting in vs a preposterous change ; & that commonly proceeds from worse to worse : For being more incorporate with them & their mutatiōs , we challenge lesse freedom in our selues , to help our selues . Discontents , like an extreme disease , be of a shifting nature : they delight continually in motion ; as men vehemently sicke doe change their beds & chambers . A Discontented man does and vndoes , that he may doe againe : thinking to loose his humour in variety ; or by aduenture ( if by nothing else ) among many changes to make one good one . But this desire of change corrupts our honesty . We shal perceiue a three-fold mischiefe which goes inseparate with discontents : for they bee ready to seduce our thoughts , our words , our actions : We mis - esteeme , mis - condemne , mis - attempt , through discontented passions . The reason is manifest : for Discontent being the companion of our thoughts , makes them , our words and actions ruled by that ; and so become vnpleasing , like it selfe : Therefore doe male contents vnder-value merite in their owne opinion ; Therefore ( being waspish ) they detract from worthinesse ; therefore they dislike or doe condemne bitterly ; and therefore , likewise , do men thus affected , vndertake more venturously then wisely . So that Salust hath obserued well touching the Character of Catilines adhaerents ; that they were Homines quos flagitium , egestas , aut conscius animus exagitabat . And , questionlesse , such men so inwardly bitten with their owne afflictions , can finde no leasure in themselues to keepe affinity with others : Good Soueraignes therefore , louing Parents , honest Friends , loyall Subiects , wise Maisters , haue bene no male-contents : for ( being so ) it is impossible that such a troubled Fountaine should send forth any thing but offensiue tumults . There is nothing more doth make our enemies reioyce , then a deiected spirit ; and nothing more afflicts our soule then to be sensible of their reioycings ; therefore doth that experienced Prophet Dauid so often wish for a deliuerance from their triumph ; so often doth he lament their insultations . Infinite are those aduantages , which may be had against men discontented : and therefore hath a melancholy spirit some prerogatiue in this respect ; because his time of discontent is scarce distinguished from his daily carriage ; for night is sooner visible in an open Pallace , then a smoky Cottage . I may propound of these , what Celsus doth of Cole-worts : being halfe sodden , they are laxatiue ; but twice sodden , they are binding : So discontents beeing but slightly apprehended and entertained , may bee a meanes sitting to prepare the way for honest applications , and to purge security : But being suffered long to boyle within vs , they do confirme their owne ; and also stoppe the passage of other worse corruptions . Of Morall and awakening discontents , the wise Salomon speakes ; when hee resolues positiuely ; Anger is better then laughter , for by a sad looke the heart is made better : Melior est ira risu : quia per tristitiam vultus , corrigitur animus delinquentis : Some Fauourites there bee , so much beholding to Fortune , that in a whole AGE they haue scarce learnt the definition of sorrow . In these men the Prouerbe is verified ; Fooles are Fortunate ; and yet agreeable with an honest meaning : For those ( I thinke ) are chiefly bound to Fortune , or Prouidence rather , who cannot through a good simplicity affect dishonest practises , and close dealings : It being consonant with reason , that men ill-befriended with a subtle Braine , should bee assisted with some higher POLICIE . All that wee suffer , is by our OWNE or FORTVNES worke : Wee cannot bee too patient with Fortunes , too much prouoked with our owne workes of sorow : when fortune punisheth , wee haue no remedy ; when our owne indiscretion punisheth , we may afflict our selues the longer with a wise fury , that wee may learne to recollect and to awaken our iudgement . Some haue a resolute contempt for all aduersities ; but such a valorous scorne may be ingendred by a sottish ignorance , or an vncapable dulnesse ; no otherwise then both may be a Drunkards motiues in extreme hazard . As for my selfe ; I neuer felt a sorrow , which I esteemed a discontent , vnlesse it gaue no profitable vse ; either by making mee more circumspect and prouident ; or acquainting me before-hand with my destiny . The most honourable dealing with our worst afflictions , is to confute them by a discourse of braine , and so exercise our knowledge , for our owne aduantage , against the foes of knowledge . But none among the worst crosses shall indeed predominate , if sometimes in a lawfull humour wee doe crosse our selues . Two Bookes of Characters . The first Booke . CHARACTER . I. An Impudent Censurer IS the torture-monger of wit , ready for execution before Iudgement . Nature hath dealt wisely with him in his outside ; for it is a priuiledge against confutation , and will beget modesty in you to see him out-face : He is so fronted with striuing to discountenance knowledge , by the contempt of it , as you would thinke him borne to insolence , though indeed it bee habituall and comes by negligence of his company , which rather seeke to laugh and continue , then to reforme his vanity . A Chimney-sweeper may conuerse with him very safely , without the hazard of blushing ; and so may any that will contemne his ignorance : buffets will conuince him better then language or reason : That proues him ranke-bestiall , descended from the walking Ape ; which on the Mountaines seeme carefull Inhabitants , but at your approach , the formality of man onely . The Land-theefe , and Sea-captaine , be neuer lesse out of their way ; but wiser commonly about their obiect : They spare to wound poore trauellers , but he incounters any thing not worth eye-sight . A wise mans minde gouernes his body , his minde is onely restrained by a bodily feare : And if you hope to be released of what he dares , you must inforce him to what he dares not ; and then you shall perceiue him to be the comicall braggard , or the gingling spur . Lay aside this medicine and he is incurable ; for hee is so rauisht with his owne folly , as hee often commends what he misinterprets , and still dispraises ( if he scorne the Author ) because hee cannot perceiue . To commend therfore and discommend what he conceiues not , is alike tolerable and equall . The wilde Arabian comprehends him fully ; for as the one , so the other , takes tribute and exaction of all passengers , except acquaintance and familiars : if any thing makes him praise-worthy , this must , or nothing ; because he seemes ( by this means ) morall in frendship ; and so in some kind vertuous : But his applause and detraction , are both odious , because abounding through his meere pleasure . When all Trades perish , he may turne Shop keeper , and deale with ballance ; For in weights and measures none is more deceitfull . Hee ponders pithy volumes by the dram or scruple , but small errours by the pound . If he takes courage in his humour , he haunts the Authours company , recites the worke , intends it to some third person , and after he hath damnd the thing in question , hee refers himselfe to the right owner ; who , if hee be there manifest , must coniure this deuill quickely , or he will seeme honest , and craue satisfaction : but call his life in question , and he betraies his guiltinesse , which then accuses him of false dealing howsoeuer ; yes , though he hath commented rightly ; for he commends ignorantly , and discommends scandalously . For delighting in his humour , he makes his Free-hold an Inheritance : put it to the hazard , and he will compound for the title . CHARACT : II. A Compleate Man IS an impregnable Tower : and the more batteries he hath vndergone , the better able he is to continue immoueable . The time & he are alwaies friends : for he is troubled with no more then hee can well employ ; neither is that lesse , then will euery way discharge his Office ; So he neither surfets with Idlenesse , nor action . calamities , & Court-prefermēts do alike moue him , but cannot remoue him : Both challenge from him a conuenient vse , no vilde indeuour , either to swell or dispaire . His religion , learning , and behauiour , hold a particular correspondence : He commands the latter , whilst himselfe and both be commanded by the first . Hee holds it presumption to know , what should be looked , or thought vpon with wonder ; and therefore rather then he will exceed , hee can be lesse then himselfe : accounting it more noble to imitate the fruitfull bough which stoopes vnder a pretious burthen ; then applaud the tall eminence of a fruitlesse Birch-tree : knowing Humility is a fitter step to knowledge , then Presumption . He smiles vpon Vice and Temptation first , seeming to allure it , till , without suspicion , hee may soone disrobe and disarme it : For hauing laboured to know the strength of follie , he knowes it to be his Captiue . From hence proceeds his victorie , in that he can preuent mischiefe , and scorne the advantage of basenesse . His worthinesse to bee rewarded hee may conceale : but his desire to doe nobly , in a better kinde , his actions will not suffer to bee vnknowne ; by which the world can iudge he deserues , and saue him from the scandall of a Cunning Hypocrite . If merites direct him in the way to honor , they do not leaue him in the way to honour ; but are his best attendants to accompany his whole preferment : For to deserue what hee obtaines , and to deserue no more , is sluggish ; to deserue after a thing bestowed , is duely thankefull ; But a continued merit stops accusation . Whatsoeuer he borrowes of the world , is by himselfe paid back with double interest : For what hee obserues , passeth through the forge of his wisedome , which refines it ; and the file of his practise , which confirmes it as a good patterne : So the interest exceeds the principall , and ( which exceeds all ) praiseth the vsurer . The name of guilt ( with him ) is vanished vnder the charme of a good conscience : which with his eye-sight saue his tast a labor : for he knows what experience can teach , but is not taught by experience . Hee is faithfully his owne friend : and accepts the friendship of others for his owne sake ; but imparts his owne for others . When he loues , hee loues first : from hence hee chalenges a double honour : for Loue and Prioritie is a two-fold merit . Hee lackes nothing to ingender happinesse ; for he can spare nothing that he enioyes ; he enioyes it so honestly : And that hee hath already , serues to purchase new contentment . For as he liues , his capacitie is enlarged , though before it were sufficient for his other faculties : they be most numerous when himselfe is nothing : for being dead , hee is thought worthier then aliue : then hee departs to his aduancement . CHARACTER . III. A good Husband IS the second part of a good man : hee chalenges no more nor lesse from Art or Nature , then doth become his facultie , and giue comfort to his wife ; so he doth not ( by striuing to please ) seeme low minded ; nor by ouer-valuing his properties , proue a tyrant . His behauiour and discourse promise no more then he meanes , and may very well iustifie . Hee is not altogether to bee chosen by the common weight , or standard ; for his best parts be invisible . A good wife shal know him quickly to bee worth her taking : for h●e enquires out her worthinesse first . He is not therefore put to much trouble of being denied twice : for if hee thinkes he can prevaile amisse , prevaile too soone , or not prevaile , because hee is too good ; hee hath the modesty to refuse first : but otherwise , if opinion dares susspect , and so refuse him first , hee may account it happinesse , because he was refused so soone : hauing ( by that meanes ) escaped one who could not discerne him . The honor of a good wife makes him no more vnpractised in the patience of a bad , then if hee conversed with her : so his vertues be habituall , not enforced . The misery of a bad wife likewise hath no more ●nraged him to discredit all , then the worthinesse of a good one hath moued him to bee an Idolater : So his blessing is , not to augment his curse , or curse his blessing . The highest end of his marriage premeditated , is to resolue how he may desire it without end . Hee feeles not the absence of youth by a decay in lust ; but measures the approach of a crooked body by his entire affection . Hee neither deceiues himselfe with a foolish confidence , nor drawes a disadvantage to himselfe , by being distrustfull : for he may bee acquainted with those , to whom hee cannot safely commit his wealth , much lesse his wiues honesty ; but hee never suspects , before he be past suspition , and every thing be apparant . Hee hath ( notwithstanding ) no friend whom hee dares make his deputie . Hee seekes rather to bee well knowne , then commonly noted : for beeing knowne , hee cannot bee mistaken ; but otherwise it is very doubtfull . Hee hates not her , but hers ; and that with a hope to make her detest herselfe , not bee divorced from him : for hee couets rather to bee daily amending her , then make a new hazard , or want resolution . Hee may dislike therefore his wiues humour , and loue her in the same quantitie . Hee cannot bee chosen , because a better is absent : for hee is himselfe , the president & the paterne . He cannot therefore be refused , if he be well known : For being good , hee proues the best , and beeing so , the best Husband . CHARACTER . IIII. A Contented Man IS a faire building in the bottome of a Valley : you can discerne nothing about him , vnlesse you approach neere , and nothing in him worth himselfe , vnlesse you doe proceed . There is no land like vnto his owne conscience : that makes him sow and reape together : for actions bee ( with him ) no sooner thoughts , then they proue comforts , they bee so full of Innocence . His life therfore is a continuall haruest : his countenance and conuersation promise hope ; they both smile vpon their obiect : neither doth the end faile his purpose : for his expectation was indifferent and equall , according to the meanes . Events therefore cannot oppresse him ; for he propounded all , before he vndertooke some ; and saw the extreamest poynt of danger , before he did imbarke . He medles no further with vncertainties , then losse and lucre be alike in accident : for doubtfull things of moment , make men stagger ; whilst hope and feare distracts them . If probable and lawfull meanes deceiue him , they cannot trouble him : for he ascribes nothing to himselfe , that is aboue him . When Gods determinations doe therefore disappoynt ; hee neither maruailes , nor mis-interprets . Neglected fortunes , and things past , hee leaues behinde ; they cannot keepe pace with him . The necessity of things absent , he measures by his meanes : but as for things impossible , hee could neuer begin to affect them . And in the quest of future proiects , hee neuer doth transgresse the pesent comfort . Hee can with as much selfe-credit bee a Captiue , as a promoted Courtier . Dignities may do him honour , not entice him : povertie may threaten , and be peremptory , but cannot ouer-come . Riches may make his honesty more eminent , not more exquisite . Hee is so far from adding malice to any , that he can praise the merits of an enemy . Anger and Revenge bee two turbulent passions : in him ( therefore ) the first shewes onely that hee can apprehend : the last , that he can iustly prevent further mischiefe . So he neither doth insult through anger ; nor satisfie his bitternesse by revenge . Repentance , which with some proues melancholly , with him proues a delightfull assurance : for seldome doth hee lament things meerely vicious , so much as vertues imperfectly attempted . Hee vndertakes every thing with more advantage , then any ( but himselfe ) can imitate : for beeing voyd of troublesome vexation , his willing minde makes the way lesse difficult . His policie and close dealing doe not disturbe his time of pleasure , or his quiet dreames : For he can awake with as much delight in day , and sleepe with as much solace in the darke , as either his intimate purpose can awake to every mans applause ; or bee concealed to his owne safetie , and no mans detriment . Hee doth not readily incurre anothers rage ; nor doth hee raile against himselfe ; for he cannot bee before hand with quarrelsome engagements ; nor rashly run into a manifest error . He doth not therefore ( when all approue him ) miscall himselfe , closely , damned Hypocrite , or lewd villaine . He feeles more felicitie in this , that he can forbeare to enioy any thing , rather then let any thing enioy him ; or rather then hee will enioy any thing indirectly . He is not so selfe-subsisting that hee scornes to borrow ; so shamelesse , that hee borrowes all : nor so alone contented , that others doe not partake in his freedome : or so absolute in freedome , that hee becomes not more absolute by the vse of others . Hee makes more ill mea●ings good , by good constru●tion , more haplesse events honest by a lawfull confidence , and more dangerous vndertakings easie , by a calme proceeding , then the contrary . For ( whilst hee knowes Iealousie as a fearefull , eating , and distastfull vice ) hee cannot suspect without the cautions of why , whom , how , where and when . Briefly , beeing contented , hee is content to be happy : and being so , he thriues best when hee thinkes best : he does more then he vndoes . He wins more often then he saues : and , like the Caspian Sea , remaines the same vnchangeable . CHARACT . V. A good Emperour IS the second Sauiour to Christianity , and a direct center of his peoples loue : his greatnesse extends rather to posterity , then is confident of pedigree . He may be counselled or confirmed , but his election remaines peculiar . His obiect therefore ( to discerne ) may be infinite , or extravagant ; but paterns ( to imitate ) must be supernal ; for he acknowledges but one supremacy , and in that remembers a succession : which makes him leaue mans precepts vnto frailty , view honor as a thing mediate , himselfe immediatly next to his Creator , and doth onely know his high commission a determinable power , not know and murmure . He lackes nothing of divinitie , but time in his prerogatiue , the want of which takes away eternitie : so all the honour which relates to him for Gods sake , conueighes it selfe to God for his owne . His feare doth vanish into loue or anger ; for he may embrace or conquer , but cannot submit . His royall bounty is as well prompt to take with honour , as to giue with liberty . And as hee can deserue nothing because on him depēds every thing : so is he not by any man to be deserued , because vnto him every man owes his whole Inheritance . If therfore hee doth giue where subiects docōdemne ; or chuse when multitudes abandon ; he doth but manifest his free desires , and shew affinity betwixt himselfe & holines : which raises from the dunghill to the scepter ; and from the most obscure disdain of vulgar thoughts vnto the state of happinesse . Nay oftentimes this secret in publicke office , proues true ; That men without the aid of birth , and glory of famous merit , lack only so good an entrance , but haue commonly a better ending : or at least , striue more to attaine what others presume vppon . The event therefore makes his large prerogatiue true wisedome , which may bee mis-interpreted weaknesse . The Lyon , a King of beasts , is recouered in sicknesse , by eating an Ape ; and a good King by devouring flatterers . CHARAC. VI. A worthy Poet IS the purest essence of a worthy Man : He is confident of nature in nothing but the form , and an ingenious fitnesse to conceiue the matter . So he approues nature as the motiue , not the foundation or structure of his worthinesse . His workes doe every way pronounce both nourishment , delight , and admiration to the readers soule : which makes him neither rough , effeminate , nor windy : for by a sweet contemperament of Tune and Ditty , hee entices others to goodnesse ; and shewes himselfe perfect in the lesson . Hee never writes vpon a full stomacke , and an empty head ; or a full head , and an emptie stomacke . For he cannot make so Diuine a receptacle stoope to the sordid folly of gall or enuy , without strength : or strength of braine stoope , and debase it selfe with hunting out the bodies succour . Hee is not so impartiall as to condemne every new fashion , or taxe idle circumstance ; nor so easie as to allow vices , and account them generous humours . So hee neither seekes to enlarge his credit of bitternesse , by a snarling severitie ; nor to augment his substance by insinuating courtshippe . Hee hath more debttors in knowledge among the present Writers , then Creditors among the ancient Poets . Hee is possessed with an innocent libertie , which excludes him from the slavish labour and meanes of setting a glosse vppon fraile commodities . Whatsoever therefore proceeds from him , proceedes without a meaning to supply the worth , when the worke is ended ; by the addition of preparatiue verses at the beginning ; or the dispersed hire of acquaintance to extoll things indifferent . He does not therefore passionatly affect high patronage , or any further then hee may giue freely ; and so receiue back honest thankes . The dangerous name and the contempt of Poets , sprung from their multitude of corruptions , proues no disaduantage or terrour to him : for such be his antidotes that he can walke vntouched , euen through the worst infection . He is no miserable selfe-louer , nor no vnbounded prodigall : for he can communicate himselfe wisely to auoide dull reseruednesse , but not make euery thought common , to maintaine his market . It must be imputed to his perfect eye-sight , that he can see error , and auoide it without the hazard of a new one : As in Poems , so in proiects , by an easie coniecture . Hee cannot flatter , nor bee flattered : If hee giues Desert , hee giues no more ; and leaues Hyperbole in such a matter of importance : As for himselfe , he is so well knowne vnto himselfe , that neither publicke fame , nor yet his owne conceite , can make him ouervalued in himselfe . Hee is an enemy to Atheists ; for he is no Fatist nor Naturalist : hee therefore excludes Lucke and Rime , from the acceptance of his Poems ; scorning to acknowledge the one as an efficient , the other as an essence , of his Muses fauour . Hee paies back all his imitation with interest ; whilst his Authors ( if reuiued ) would confesse their chiefe credit was to bee such a patterne : otherwise ( for the most part ) he proues himselfe the patterne , and the proiect in hand : Siluer onely and sound mettall comprehends his nature : rubbing , motion , and customary vsage , makes the brightnesse of both more eminent . No meruaile though he be Immortall , seeing he conuerts poyson into nourishment ; euen the worst obiects and societies to a worthy vse . When he is lastly silent ( for he cannot die ) hee findes a Monument prepared at others cost and remembrance , whilst his former actions bee a liuing Epitaph . CHARACT . VII . An honest Lawyer IS a precious Diamond set in pure gold , or one truely honest , and a compleate Lawyer : The one giues glory to the other ; and being diuided , they be lesse valuable . Diuinity , and a corrected nature , make him habituall in the first ; but studious labor , & a discursiue braine make him equal , if not absolute , in the last : he knows Law to be the Mris of man , & yet hee makes Honesty the Mris of Law. The first therefore may exceed the last ; but the last neuer hath predomināce in him , without the other . He is too diuine to be tempted with feare , fauor , Minerals , or Possessions ; and too diuine not to be tempted with perfect knowledge , & a pittifull cōplaint : he hath as much leasure to conferre with conscience , in the most busy Terme , as in the deadest Vacation : And he is alwaies more diligent to maintain wronged pouerty , then attentiue to allow iniurious Greatnesse : hee can as freely refuse a prodigall , or enforced bounty , as hee can accept or demand due recompence : He resorts to London with a more full braine , then empty bags , and ( at his returne ) he purses vp more full comfort , then yellow coine . He cannot bee so cōfident as to persist in error ; nor so ignorāt as to erre by weaknes : When therefore ( through an aboundance ) some knowledge is confounded ; his errour onely proues a doubtfull question ; and serues to reduce scattered remnants into methode . The multitude of contentions make not him reioice in the number , but in the difficulty ; that truth may appeare manifest to our progeny . He railes not against the vices of his profession , but makes his profession commendable by his owne practise of vertue : his Clients disease of being suspēded touches him like his own sicknes ; hee dares not giue a dangerous purgation to dispatch him , nor by negligence and delay , let the euill grow inward and incorporate ; to strengthen it selfe , or consume the patient . He is therefore exquisit in preseruatiues against the consumption ; though perhaps he may faile in restoratiues to support weakenesse . Hee may well bee a president to the best Physitians ; for he vndertakes no cure when he perceiues it inclining to bee desperate : So hee makes the cause , and not his Client , the obiect of his labour . If hee hath fauour enough to make truth be currant , he lookes no further : which he needs not to patch businesse ; nor would he willingly pursue it ; if truth were not often discountenanced . Hee doth therefore at a Iudges death lament the death of his learning , not his owne priuate lucre : Hee can ride the circuit , and scorne to be circular . He hath no leasure to protract time or saue his Clients opinion with iests premeditated , or windy inferences : His modesty was neuer below his courage in a good cause ; nor his courage inclining to impudence , though hee were still honored with a prosperous euent . He owes so much worship to desert and innocence , that hee can as faithfully applaud sufficient worth , as not insult ouer , or exclaime against dull ignorance . He is miraculously preserued against incantations : the strongest spell cannot charme him silent , nor the most tempting spirit prouoke him to a vaine pleading . He dares know , and professe in spight of potency ; he dares be rich and honest in despight of custome : And if he doth not grow from a good man , to a reuerend Title , hee scornes to bee a Traytor and blame tyranny ; but he descends below his owne vnworthinesse . Briefly , he is a pretious vessell , he indures the rest , and the defiance of time : hee is a sound commodity which neuer failes the Customer : and doth heartily confesse that whosoeuer swarues from this patterne , swarues from honesty , though he be deepely learned : Howsoeuer , he thinkes a Lawyer deepely learned cannot chuse but be honest ; except multitude of Clients oppresse him . CHARACT . VIII . A Detractor IS his owne priuate foe , and the worlds professed enemy : He is indeed an obstinate heretick , and if you will conuert him , you must anew create him likewise : he is of the Mahumetā sect which hath despised all religious Arts , and Sciences , except the confusion of all ; so he approues continually the worst things among many good , and condemnes that which is iudiciously commended : to read therefore and refuse , makes vp the best part of his iudgement . His fiue senses haue a mortall combat with all obiects , that afford sense , or any thing vpon which they fasten : his eye could neuer yet behold a woman faire enough , or honest enough , on whom he might bestow the sincere part of his affection : but he marries one to beget an equall society of froward children : his eare was neuer well contented with a delicious tune , for the left is onely open , and that onely apt to conceiue discords through a customary habit ; which hath reiected all , and therefore will : For that he once hath , and is againe minded to oppose worthinesse , giues him both reason and encouragement to continue spightfull : but ( to our comfort be it spoken ) his enuy ends commonly with himselfe , or at most , indeuours no otherwise then a nasty passenger , to rubbe against , and defile faire outsides , because himselfe is loathsome : hee stops his nose if a perfume approch , but can well endure a stinking draft , or kennell , and embrace the sauour : His palate hath no relish except hee may discommend his dyet , and yet hee consumes all to the very fragments : hee touches or takes vp nothing which is not blasted by him with a naturall defiance ; or at least hee will vtter the manifest forme of discontent . His tongue , the Herald of his imagination , is a busie officer , and will ( without question ) challenge the same reward of him , that it doth of women ; for it dispatcheth the same seruice , and deserues therefore ( proportionably alike ) to bee called the maine property of each : hee is not inferiour also to a woman in malice ; for shee is that way limited , though vndeterminable : but hee transcends ; accounting it his pompe to be infinitely licentious towards all . Hee railes against the Sate , and speakes treasons confidently to himselfe alone , expecting an euent of his desires : Nay , sometimes he is taken ( through the licence of his tongue , and a litle sufferance of the company ) in peremptory speeches that bring him to his answere : Neither will he hearken to reformation , till he lackes his cares : Hee is not ( if a Church-man ) ashamed to quarrell , first with his Patron , and openly disclaime against the poore value of his Benefice : If , a common humorist , hee will diminish the worth likewise of a gift , before the giuers face ; and lookes to the disconueniences , not the cōmodity , he receiues by possession . A slight Arithmetician may cast vp the totall sum of his Character : & by substraction ( being the body of his soule ) may find him vnder the value of an honest man , aboue halfe in halfe : for he lacks Charity , and so comes short six degrees of a good Christian : and therfore is an egregious coward because he scornes to iustifie , except hee railes against the dead ; thither he hastens being vnworthy to liue longer . CHARACT . IX . An Humorist IS the shadow of Vnderstanding , the traitor to Reason , or the vanity of a better man : Bloud-letting , a good whip , honest company , or reasonable instructions might ( at the first ) recouer him . But if he continues among laughing spirits one quarter , the disease will grow inward , and then the cure growes desperate . If his humour bee hereditary , hee is more familiar with it , and makes it the principall vertue of his family : If imitation breedes a habite , hee makes it the pledge of sworne brother-hood , or at least the fauour of new acquaintance : he neuer is infected single , or with one onely ; for either he is now admitted to the seuerall orders ; or hee is prompt enough to subscribe generally when occasion peeps . You must not dare to discommend , or call in question , his behauiour seriously with his companions ; for thogh you cannot cal the humor lawfull , it is sufficient if you can cal it his humor . You may iustly forbeare to restraine him ; for if he be truely adopted , he thinkes it an especiall part to be respectlesse . Tobacco is a good whetstone for his property ; hee doth seldome therefore forget to prouoke his constitution this way : & ( by being insatiate ) he knowes well his humor may escape the search of reason , by vertue of the mist. He hath from his cradle bin swadled vp , with much obstinate and peremptory affectation : It being indeed cōmonly the character of his ripest age , to support that freely in his man-hood , which was forbidden in the spark of his minority : hee neuer slips opportunity with deliberation ; hee is therefore prompt enough to begin ; and the reason of his act is enough , though onely that he hath begun , because humor is the motiue . There is nothing within the compasse of thought so triuiall , so absurd , and monstrous , which his vanity will not auerre to be ponderous , decent , and naturall . Neither will he abhor to iustifie them by his owne practise , against all opposers . He trauailes vp and downe like Tom of Bedlem , vnder the title of mad Rascall , Witty Rogue , or Notable mad sla●e , and these attributes be a more effectuall oratory to applaud his humour , then a direct cōmendation . He will not sometimes ( vpō smal discontinuance ) vouchsafe to acknowledge , or ( at least ) know , his familiar friends , without much impertinence and Interrogatories of their name , or habitation ; whilst another time , hee dares aduenture his knowledge , & salutations vpon meere aliens . Hee is very much distracted , and yet I wonder how the frenzy should be dangerous ; for he neuer breaks his braine about the study of reason or inuention : seeing his humour is the priuiledge of both : It is therfore sufficiēt for him to be extreme melācholy , & be most ignorant of the cause or obiect ; and suddenly to be vnmeasurably frolick without prouocation : whilst hee is onely beholding to a brainlesse temperature in discharge of his credit . He will converse freely with Serving-men & Souldiers within 12. houres ; & presently when the ague hath once seized him , he proues tyrannicall and insolent towards the silly vermin . He never brake a vow in his whole life , or brake vowes continually : for either they haue not suted with his variety , to be intended , or hee hath intended to obserue them no longer then might agree with his body , which ebbes and flowes . When hee growes old , and past voyce , he learns forraigne languages : as if , when he had dined , hee should devoure the sauce . In a word , he is a chiefe commander of actions , but no command●r of himselfe ; being in his best brauery but a Turkish Slaue , ever subiect to desire and appetite : according to their paterne , hee is himselfe to himselfe praise-worthy , or elegant ; but to worthinesse it selfe , odious . CHARAC. X. A. Coxcombe IS a needlesse Ornament : Hee takes the vpper hand of a foole , and of a wise man also ; and in opinion is as good as a Courtier . His education hath beene ( from a childe ) tenderly fearefull ; and the mother remains still afraid of his fortunes , least his politicke wisedome should hazard them too farre : whilst his fortunes hazard his wisedome . Hee hath beene alwayes a yong Master , and yoked his eares first to insinuation , vnder some oylie-tong'd seruant , or flattering Tutor . To know he hath rich kindred , and to deriue a pedigree ; satisfie his valour , learning , proficience in estate or credit with meere contemplation . So much indeed doth he hang vpon the pillars of his gentry . As it shall therefore be the first preparatiue of his acquaintance to salute , and aske What countrey-man your Father is , of what house : or he will enquire his demesnes onely ( of some neighbour : ) and if your body be hansome , your cloathes proportionable , your parents wealthy ; he hath purchased an everlasting friend . A round oath is valour enough , a foolish Dittie Art enough , and good fellowship honesty enough . The truth is , he scornes to bee a searcher , and thinkes it enough for his Taylor to medle with linings . But in the circumstance of making your cloathes , the price of your Beaver and silke stockins , your purpose to travaile , or of your long absence ; The Spanish Inquisition cannot be so vnmercifull . He is contented richly , nay absolutely , to be taken onely for a harmlesse man. The generositie and noble carriage of his discourse , is to run desperately into the name of some couragious gallant Knight , or some Baron in favour : if their alliance to his family can be detected , he giues way with an apparant relish . He is very well fitted for all societies , if his out-side be sutable ; further then which he never conversed with himselfe effectually . Nor can I wonder , though he payes deerely , and preserues cloathes delitiously ; seeing those alone are the maintenance of his whole worth ; and therefore you shall perceiue him more furiously engaged about the rending of his doublet , or a little lace , then a magnanimous box , or a bastinado . He is ambitiously giuen to be promoted , either by some embassage to divulge his pedigree , and learne fashions , or by entertainment of some chiefe Noble men to discover his bountie ; and ( withall ) his stipendious affection . Hee shifts his familiars by the survey of prospect , and the externals ; but his directions proceed from the proverbe of like to like , rather then Physiognomy . Hee is credulous and confident : the lesse certainty hee hath of a report , the more publicke hee is , and peremptory . Hee commits the best part of his vnderstanding to a talkatiue Barber : with whom he is the more frequent ; because he thinks , to haue a curle pate , is to haue a visible wit. He would be Physicall , and iustly ; for not to preserue his folly in health , were to deceiue the world of his paterne : but being merry for disgestion , his laughter is exorbitant , causelesse , endlesse , and like himselfe . His safest course will bee to marry : nothing makes him so sensible as a wise , good or badde ; till then , the further he flies from his Character , he becomes it the more naturally . *** CHARAC. XI . A Ranke obseruer IS his owne Comoedy , and his own Audience : for whatsoeuer hee frames by experience , hee applauds by custome : but being out of his element , he is an Eele in a sand-bagge ; for he , wanting the humor of his wrested observance , falles away into ignorant silence . Hee is arrogant in his knowledge so far , as he ( thinks ) to study men , will excuse him from the labour of reading , and yet furnish him with absolute rarities , fit for all fashions , all discourses . He is a very promiscuous fellow ; and from thence proceeds the vice which makes him without difference , comprehend ponderous and triviall passages vnder the same degree of value or estimation . For whatsoever becomes his politicke vent , becomes his vnderstanding . When he doth therefore fill vp the vessell of his conceits , he hath regard to such things as may bee vttered with most advantage , either of money among the plaiers , or reputation among the generall gallants of our Cittie . He takes account of all humours , and through the practise of a contempt to all , he partakes in all : for hee vses what he derides , vnder the priviledge of scorne , and so makes it familiar . So the largest benefit which others reape by contemning the vice in himselfe , arises beyond his purpose or intention : for he extends to others no further then agrees with his owne greedy constitution , meaning to credit , or enrich himselfe ; not amend others : by which meanes all his goodnesse is accidentall . He doth ( notwithstanding ) in some poynts resemble vertue ; but in the worst manner . For being impartiall , he playes the tyrant ; and sels the vices of his deerest friends to discoverie , by playes or pamphlets , but is content that they should stil reserue them to their future infamie : So hee becomes sooner excluded oftentimes from society , then his flattring shifts can readily repaire . Flattery and insinuation be indeed the number of his thriving morall vertues , through which ( vnder a pretence of faire meaning ) he takes occasion to betray the marrow of mans varietie : and this affoords fuell for his bitter derision . His Table-bookes be a chiefe adiunct , and the most significant Embleme of his owne qualitie , that man may beare about him : for the wiping out of old notes giue way to new : and he likewise , to try a new disposition , will finally forsake an ancient friends loue ; because he consists of new enterprises . His capacity is apprehensiue in a strange measure : if he were lesse capable , he might be more commended . For hee incroaches often vpon admittance ( where things be well delivered ) to multiply his obseruation : and yet hee will verifie the thing , as if it were now committed . If hee converts to a deserving qualitie , hee will propound the credit of a good meaning no stipend for his vaine discoueries . Till then , he must intreate to be suspected , or odious , whilst he whispers closely among free companions : Neither must he hope to amend the Age , or himselfe ; because he never intended the first ; and the last he forgets ( though he intended it ) through vaine glory ; as being transported with his pride onely , that he hath observed , and can obserue againe . Briefly , he resembles a foolish patient , who takes a costiue pill to loosen his body : for whilst hee meanes to purge himselfe by observing other humors , hee practises them by a shadow of mockage , and so becomes a more fast corruption : if he doth not therefore feele the disease , hee dies hide-bound . ( *** ) CHARACT : XII . A Parish Polititian IS Machiavels Mungrell Puppy ; taken from schoole before he hath learned true Latine ; and therfore in triviall things onely , hee partakes with the Sire ; because he lackes true breeding , and true bringing vp . Hee labours commonly for opinion where he is so well knowne , that opinion would persecute him , without labour : he thinkes religion deceiues most vnsuspected ; and therefore hee seemes to be a zealous Christian. The Church is a principall part of his devotion ; and to bee a frequent Auditor , or outwardly attentiue , is a sure defence ( hee thinkes ) against capitall errour . Hee is openly kinde-hearted ; cries God forbid , Amen , Christ bee his comfort . But rather then hee will seeme a Puritan , with indifferent companions , hee can breake an obscoene Iest , bee wanton , sociable , or any thing , till hee converse with a Precisian by whom he hopes to saue : then the eyes roule vpward , the hands be elevated , commiserating tearmes bee multiplied , with sighes innumerable : then hee railes against the wicked , whom a little before hee heartilie saluted . And after some paraphrase vpon the verse of such an Evangelist , Apostle , or Prophet , hee dismisses the Puritan , that himselfe may laugh in a corner . His minde and memorie put on the same vizard of greatnesse , which makes him so much incline to the posture of weighty labours , that he giues no attention to things openly recited , though they actually possesse him . To be imploid therefore for a Noble man , is ( to him ) an infinite trouble , and begets imployment with all acquaintance to discover it : so the bare meanes to make men think hee is much entertained , costs a time equall to his occurrents . Being to bee visited ( though by sure Clients ) he hath the roome of attendance , the Art of delay , and a visage that seemes pittifully interrupted . If he rides to dispatch , the horses be early sadled , and brought to the doore , that neighbours may obserue ; when , after fiue or sixe houres expectation , hee comes like one that was detained by vrgent importunacies . His best materials to worke vpon , bee Time , and Place ; which , if they affoord circumstance to let you vnderstand his new purchase , his new buildings , the great marriage of his children , or entertainement of high personages , or bountie towards the Hospitall , it comes freely and fitly , if openly . When occasions trouble him a little , he loues to trouble himselfe extreamly ; and thinkes it a poynt of ●eaching policie , to reproue or amend that formally , which hath beene allowed by singular good iugdements . If hee dares ( with priviledge of the hearers ignorance ) disparage worth in any , hee takes leaue of the occasion , and his owne policie . This he takes in honor of his courtship to shew he can bee ambitious , and build on others ruines : But this proclaimes him a starved Cannibal ; who , through the famine of desert , feeds his worthinesse with his owne excrement of detraction . His desire and audacitie be at open strife . When he would , but dares not commend himselfe , by correcting anothers facultie : then with a straind laughter , and a willing palsie in his head , he seemes to discover somwhat is vnsetled ; or he makes his elbow signifie , that somthing wants his finger . His complements be at liberty , his friendship lies locked vp in prison ; the key whereof he hath lost willingly . For if you call him friend before hee hath wrested the advantage of an enemy , hee leaues you destitute , but more happy then you beleeue . If hee can seeme to forget your countenance , hee intends that you must thinke him deuoted to things aboue you , or that his braine labours : and vpon this ground he walkes when he neglects your salutations , or takes no notice of your person . Briefly , he is a man of this daies profit ; he expects nothing without double interest , and that by compulsion . Hee is a weake foe , a weaker friend , or the generall shadow of a wiser man. CHARAC. XIII . A Spend-thrift IS a man euer needy , neuer satisfied , but ready to borrow more then he may be trust-à with : The question of him will be , whether his learning doth out-ballance his braine , and so becomes a burthen ; or whether both bee crept into his outward senses : Certainely his Intellectuals of wit , and wisedome , be manifest , but are ( like the seuen Starres ) seldome seene together ; they mutually succeed , as hauing vow'd to gouerne by course : whilst wit reignes , excesse , and royot haue the vpper hand : But when he recollects himselfe , hee is wholy metamorphosed ; wit giues place , and his extreme of wisedome , disclaimes the smile of a merrie countenance . His onely ioy is to domineere , be often saluted , and haue many Creditors : his Lordships lie among the Drawers , Tobacco-men , Brokers , and Panders : But aduersity makes him leaue company , and fall to house-keeping , and then his seruants be vanished into Sergeants . His onely flatterers bee Conceite and Fancy , which charge Memory his Steward , to bring in no Accompts till they bee casheerd ; which cannot bee whilst Imitation is his Captain , or Credit his Corporall . Hee dreames of being Lord chiefe Iustice , or at least being eminent , though hee liues dissolutely ; and hath no Saint but Fortune . Hee is , and euer will be a quarter behind with frugality ; in which volume he cannot be perfect , because the booke is imperfect : for he still rendes out the beginning of his lesson . His Heauen vpon Farth , is a faire Mistresse ; and though his meanes be l●rge , yet his principall sorrow is the lacke of maintenance . The misery of his sense is an old man , and his fathers life troubles him not a little : Almanackes therefore which foretell the death of age , be very acceptable . The hurly burly of his braine is infinite , and he scarcely knowes what hee may freely make an election of . His worst bawd is too good a nature , which makes him incident to false applauses , and carue his soule out among his famil●ars : hee hath multitudes of deere acquaintance , but his deerest friends are ready to stabbe him . For either those whom hee accompts so , be men of fashion ; or those who be indeed so , desire his death , because they see no amendment . He scornes to acknowledge his debts , but as things of duety , with which mechanicks are ( as he thinkes ) bound to vphold high birth and Gentry : but the end proues otherwise . His downefall therefore is not admired , because hee was euer falling ; and his bare excuse , makes experience the shadow . Briefly , he may seeme a treacherous friend ; for he deales dishonestly with all that challenge interest in him ; they be his Creditors : And yet hee deales more louingly with them , then with himselfe ; for when he paies them , he punisheth himselfe : If he cannot pay , hee is punished more then they ; and punished enough , because he cannot pay : for then he consumes . CHARACT . XIIII . A Vbiquitarie IS a Iourney-man of all Trades , but no sauer because no s●tter vp : He would be an Epitome of Artes , and all things , but is indeed nothing lesse then himselfe : If an itchy Tailor gaue him not his making , he had ( I thinke ) perpetually beene vnmade : For if he scratch his head , the body cals him ; if the body , then the elbow ; if his elbow , then againe the body ; if the body , then the head itches : so neuer quiet , neuer constant , still doing , stil about to do the same , remaines my doer doing nothing . The worst of dog-daies was his birth-day when fleas abounded , which ( ●rom his cradle ) haue so bitten him , as till his death he must be tickled . The worme of giddinesse hath crept into his priuate purposes : euery houre , almost , giues him a new Being , or , at least , the purpose to be an other thing then he is . If a coūtry l●fe inuites him he yeelds : the Court request him , he yeelds likewise : but then disgrace auerts him to his study ; a Library is gotten : by this time loue hath strucke him , and hee adores the Saint : But then some play declaimes against this loue ; hee quickly is perswaded , and followes Poetry . Thus my vagabond of vanity is from post to pillar transport● , because hee trauels without a perfect licēce . You shall soone discerne him by his arguments and reasons ; They ( for the principals ) flow from one fountaine of ignorance : for all his proofe depends vpon I thinke so ; Euery man saith so : All dislike it : His very conuersation is infectious , but neuer frustrate : for either you must follow him , and that way you must looke to be a looser : or he will follow you , and then resolue that your intētiō thriues but badly . No obiect , no society , season , thought , or language , comes amisse , or vnexpected , his pollicy therefore seekes to be rather frequent then effectuall ; to run about the world daily , then trauell seriously ; to see a multitude , before society ; and gesse at much , rather then know a little . In his discourse hee daunces All Trades ; and flies from field to thicket , as being hunted by an Ignis fatuus . Talke of Academies , and hee tels you Court-newes ; canuase the state of your question , and hee tels you what new booke is extant . If you discourse , hee still desires the conclusion ; and is attentiue rather to the sequele , then carefull to vnderstand the premisses . In his behauiour hee would seeme French , Italian , Spanish , or any thing , so he may seeme vn-vulgar ; accounting it barbarous not to contemne his owne Nation , or the common good ; because he loues to bee more valued by seeming singularly pretious : His habite onely discouers him to be true English : and to be weary of the place , colours his emploiment : To liiie ( with him ) is all vanity , and that life alone his deerest happinesse : his death therefore may bee somewhat doubtfull , because with it hee hath no Beeing . CHARAC. XV. A Gamester IS Fortunes Vassaile , temptations Anuile , or an out-landish text which may soone be translated into cheaters English : He affects gaming from a schoole-boy ; and superstitiously fore-thinkes how his minde giues him . The elements of fire , earth , and aire , be with him alike predominant ; he i● in●●●med with rage , melancholy with thoughts , iouiall with fortune ; but hee neuer we●●●● in sorrow or repentance : When he looses little , you must ●now he looses much , for hee loues tha● any man should coniecture he is able : And though his luck be infinite to win aboundance , yet could hee neuer haue the luck to purchase . If he quarrel● you may protest hee looses , ●nd he must scr●mble or be bea●e●●re hee can bee quiet : if hee make peace you must meet him ●n the winning way , and then you might more safely swagger with him : he loues his owne aduantage well enough to bee a Lawyer , but would make a most preposterous Iudge : The seuen deadly sinnes sleepe in his pocket , and he neuer drawes money but the noise awakes them . Pride , Lechery , Drunkennesse , and Gluttony , bee his Sabboth sinnes , which ( out of gettings ) he employes on Festiuals , and Sundaies . Blasphemy and murther play the Drawers with him , and bring the fearefull reckoning of his losses ; and insteed of Vsury , Theft plaies the Scriuener to furnish him with money : He can both fast , and watch , and yet is farre enough from being a true penitent ; for curses following , do discouer why the rest was intended . Fortune makes him her most silly States-man : shee holds him by the chinne a while , but ere hee can recouer what he onely wishes , hee sinkes incontinent , and worthily ; for losse and gaine alike encourage him , but neuer satisfie . If he plaies vpon Ticket , hee knowes you are but a simple fellow not able to exact , though he resolues to pay nothing ; so he did neuer purchase , if not this way , except he borrowes ; and that extends farre enough to make him the debtor at his owne pleasure . If he be perished , his restauration is to famine , though not degenerate ; for seeing he was ruind vnder the Goddesse Fortune , he may well claime the portion of a rich widdow . If neither shee , nor any shee-creature else be gratious ; let him vnpittied proue a Cheater , for he thrust himselfe to exile , and went to willing bondage . CHARACT . XVI . A Nouice IS one still ready to aske the way , yet farre from finding it , though you do direct him : He is indeed a simple thing of one and twenty , that dares safely be a pupill to any Tutor . Or take him naturally for a familiar kind of Spaniell , that may be readily taken vp , and stolne away from himselfe , or his best resolutions . Hee is euer haunted with a blushing weakenesse , and is as willing to embrace any , as not to be distastfull vnto any : He trusts any mans opinion before his owne , and will commit his life to him that can insinuate ; you get acquaintance with him by a bare salutation ; drinke to him with a new complement , and you haue purchased his entire loue , till hee bee cheated . The name of Country-man , or ciuill carriage , vnlockes his Cabinet of intentions , till you extract the very quintessence . He cannot chuse but be exceeding credulous , for he confutes nothing further then his eye-sight , or common sense extends . Draw him to the paradise of taking all in good part ; or teach him to apprehend the worst things well , by screwing in a meere conceit of your generosity , and he wilthrust the ward-ship of his credit , Lands , or Body , to your patronage : So you may take reliefe , and tender Marriage , though his father held not in Knights seruice . If you misdoubt he should perceiue you , or if you thinke it difficult to deceiue him ; compare his Title with his Index , o● both together with his stuffe contained , and you may soone discerne him : For either vnexpectedly he doth betray himselfe ; or false fire doth discharge him . Being a little boulstred vp with sweete heresies of subtill language , and Musicall Tauernes , he suddenly beginnes ( except some charitable hand reclaimes him ) to mistake Tobacco for a precious hearbe ; and oftentimes I thinke it cures his raw humour , by operation of the price , without the Physicke . You may easily also driue him to mistake brown paper for Littletons Tenures ; Canuas , and Red Herrings , for his fathers hoppe-bagges and Lent prouision . I need not say hee will be valorous ; for Parasites and Cony-catchers know , he oftentimes can see hee hath beene cheated , and yet his modesty will not suffer him to enforce satisfaction . Hee will much wonder at a triuiall euent , and thinkes it Witch-craft to foresee disaduantage . As for the world , Religion , or naturall causes , he can enquire of them , but difficultly beleeue reason : In the shutting vp therfore of his folly he doth confesse the character , and leaues it to succession . CHARAC. XVII . An Epicure IS the picture of Some-body , or a man of two senses : the Eye and the Palate : for his smelling propertie is stuffed with the vapours of a full stomacke ; his hands the instruments of his mouth , no senses ; and the belly hath no cares , but a trusse to support it : He is his owne Taylor , and thinkes directly that more expences belong to the linings , then to the out-side . He cannot stirre in businesse without a Coach , or a Litter ; and then he is suddenly interrupted , if the clocke strikes Eleven . Hee is ( whatsoever some think ) a good Physitian for his owne body ; for he still riseth from the Table with an appetite , and is soone re●dy for another meale of dainties . If hee bee a Lawyer , the b●●t meates will soonest corrupt his carkasse , and his conscience : for he feeds immode●●tely , and will doe much for ● brace of Pheasants . If he bee a Divine , he preaches all charity , and discommends Gentlemen extreamely , because they leaue House-keeping . He thinkes his bed the best study , and therefore speakes wel in the praise of stretching meditations . He accounts Cookery a delicate science , and preferres the knowledge of confectionary receipts ; to which purpose nothing passes through the throate , till he takes particular notice of the ingredients . He is troubled much to thinke , how he may most readily shorten his life , and not perceiue the reason : Therefore he revolues continually , what may be most convenient for the tast , and hurtfull for the stomake . He invites himselfe to much provender by accident of visitation ; though hee comes with a resolved policie : and hee provokes many solemne meetings , vnder the title of Hospitalitie , when hee makes himselfe ( by these meanes ) fitter for an Hospitall . Hee is contented to bestow broken meate among poore folkes , but no money : for he loues not to depart with that , in which himselfe hath beene no taster . He is the noted foe of famine , and yet he is daily imploied about the procreation of a dearth : for the value of nothing is beyond his abilitie , if he hath present money , though no more then enough to discharge the present commoditie ; or credite to make men trust vpon executors . Hee hath heightned the price of out-landish-fruits , and hath purchased the generall name to our Countrey of Sweet-mouth'd English-men . Marrow-pies , Potato-rootes , Eringoes , and a cup of Sacke be his chiefest Restoratiues , and comfortable Physicke : He makes no dinner without a second course . He is over-ruled more by his teeth , then his appetite : for when they grow weary , he leaues feeding , and falles to drinking : which argues ( vnlesse I mistake ) a larger capacity of Stomack then Vnderstanding . He keeps a principall poynt of statelinesse in carriage ; for he delights rather in a subtill flatterer , or secretary , that giues good el-bow attendance , then to heare himselfe discourse , or any who neglects to feed his humor ; either with commendations , or voiling reverence to his high fortunes , or with licentious fables , and derisions of his opposites . If dinner bee ended , and you desire to converse with him , you must tarry till he be awake : for his vast chaire , a downy couch , and chiefly a fine capable seat in the Church , that may confront the Preacher , or be situate behinde some pillar , are three easie and common receptacles for his full stomack . None resembles death so fitly , yet none makes lesse morall : His sleepe therefore which proues him rotten and stinking aliue , proues rather death it selfe , then a remembrance . Briefly , being true English , hee will abhorre thirst , and hunger , because hee scornes a Spaniard and his properties . CHARACT . XVIII . A Churle IS the sup●rfluity of solemne behauiour : And was intended for an allay to fif●y light louiall constitutions ; but * Nature being then otherwise employed , hee was ( against her will ) made a monstrous lump of Humanity ; through the negligence of her hand-maids , or the malice of her enemies bad education and nutriment . Hee is the vnsociable sonne of Saturne , that lookes strangely at the face of man , as if hee were another thing then himselfe . He thinkes , to be familiar is to betray himselfe ; and that the world might plentifully be inhabited , by him onely , and a couple of drudges . If you be ciuill , he saith you are phantastick ; and friendly language he termes flattery . No estate , no aduancement , can remoue his humour : for hee doth not liue ( whilst he liues not discontented ) but sleepes , or counterfeits . He thinkes salutations were ordained to beguile , or betray ; hee loues not therefore to salute , or be saluted . Hee will refuse gifts , that come from reconciled foes , and thinkes an iniury can neuer be forgotten . On equall termes likewise , he is heartily vnwilling to receiue , except ( in glory ) he can ouer-value his deserts , by thinking he hath deserued tenne times more . A selfe-respect , and a disdaine of others , be his nourishing vices : So he chuses rather to loose a bargaine , then to become a debtor ; for he holds it more honour and pollicy to steale , then to be beholding . If you enquire his health , or the times newes , hee dares protest you are an impertinent , or a shallow companion . Other mens triumph is his sorrow , other mens sorrow his triumph : for in his conscience he hath reioyced never , if not in mis-fortunes of some , or all . His owne adversitie quickens him to reioyce at others misery . He cannot therefore bee saved , seeing he admits company as a delight , in nothing but desolation : and then , not their company , but their passion . His entertainments be , a fierce dogge to bid you welcome , a currish voyce to confirme it , and the way is open for a fare-well . The two first be apparant , the latter hee intends : So doth he embrace acquaintance or neighbours ; but impotent people he threatens in another kinde with Whippe , stockes , and Beadle , they onely be his familiars and defenders . His Dogge , and hee , are the onely good fellowes ; and his dogge proues the better man , by being more tractable . He will prevent you in a commoditie , and giue more ; as also , hee dares discredit any thing , or any , not with a meaning to commend his owne , but to endammage others . He will bee shaven all wayes to the best helpe of a deformitie : and though his actions will soone verifie the Character , yet he will more mis-shape nature by ill-favoured Linnen , a greasie felt , and Garments made for the purpose ; as if hee meant to discover himselfe by the fore-head , least hee should not be knowne quickly . He is satisfied vpon the smallest wrong , and will rather take the lawes assignment , though a trifle , then be content with large composition : yet none doth more grumble against the Law-professors . He listens to the death of great personages , as a Butchers dogge to the Oxes slaughter ; reioycing to be glutted with his entrailes , or vices , seeing hee is not bettred by his body of worth , the best food . It fattens him to heare a prodigalls consumption , though hee partakes nothing in the ●ootie . If you fasten a gift vpon him , his thankes bee liberall , though he doth not requite : if hee doth not brand you with an insinuating Title ; yet in extremitie of his passion he is so farre ( as hee thinkes ) from being vncharitable , as he makes the charitie of Counsell , Purse , or Assistance , things that would giue little thanke for his labour : and so he practises them vnder the ranke of such things as doe not concerne him : He saith therefore , Meddle with me , when I meddle with you . So that if shame provokes his wealth to invite strangers , he hath no bountifull meaning , but a resolution to liue by broken meate long after , which doth not savour well , except it be mouldy : that , and himselfe therefore , should be spent sooner ; otherwise they grow visibly odious , but himselfe more odious then that . CHARAC. XIX . An Atheist IS no reasonable Man : for hee will sooner embrace a superficiall colour in things of momēt , then search into direct causes : as for obvious and common accidents , he never looks vpon them so much with reason , as vpon matters of course . In subtilties he is bestiall ; for hee admits no more then event ; and he is therfore no reasonable man , because no religious man. For Heathens and Barbarians haue from the beginning beene worshippers of somwhat . If thou canst seeme to bee familiar with him , and enter into the extremities of ill fortune , or begin to speake of great mens funerals , or honest mens persecutions , hee will instantly discover what he beleeues , being bold enough to speak plainly ( if thou canst apprehend ) that vertue , innocence , and craftie dealing be alike rewarded : that wicked and religious men haue no difference but the Name : that wrongs may lawfully ( if without danger apparant ) bee repelled with worse wrongs : and that therefore it argues basenesse of spirit , to contemne any opportunity of advantage : that expectation of other , where ioy is already present , were dotage , or madnesse ; and that honesty , which exceeds common forme , is singularity . From which Arguments you may draw the conclusion . If he reserues these precepts among strangers , his practise will verifie the paterne . Take this for a foundation , Euery Atheist is an Epicure , though the one is not controvettible . If he inclines more to Epicurisme then policie ; this watch-word will be frequent in his cups , hoc est vivere , hoc est vivere . But you may stil obserue , that he cōtends to wash away all care with company , discourse & laughter , as if he knew his vsurious creditor ( a guiltie conscience ) waited to expostulate with him at an advantage . One therefore of this proportion , is more liable to the Law , but lesse dangerous to the common-wealth . Hee brings most villany that feeles the disease inward ; and confutes his own obiectiōs with falacious doctrines . He liues much about the fountain of Iniquitie , and therfore he must propound that those streames of custome be tolerable , or leaue his profession . He hath a natural flourish for super-naturall accidents . He turnes Diuinity into colorable inuentions of Philosophy . He knows every thing vnder the name of a naturall body : hee beleeues Nature to be an invisible power , which intended generation for corruption , and corruption for generation . He distinguishes bodies into simple and compound , and makes creation a vulgar proiect obedient to the harmony of elements . Then , if he knowes the meaning of Homogenea , and Hetrogenea , of corpus imperfctè mixtū , and perfectè mixtū , he remaines largely satisfied . As for the causes of terrible events , he apprehends the power of Exhalations , Meteors , Comets , & the Antiperistasis : which very names are able to forbid all further inquisition . He goes not therfore beyond himselfe for his authority : and he esteemes it more convenient to think there is a reason in nature , then to trouble his braine with miracles , when they exceed his positions . Hee never was taken for a friend in society , neither can he bestow loue , because cause hee cannot adventure his person . If at any time hee intended loue , he intended likewise a Physitian ; and him , no further then agreed with his owne humidum radicale : which must also be vnderstood , if himselfe were no Physitian . He is alwayes consident beyond reformation . Hee dies with hope betweene his iawes , and therefore one may thinke him no desperate slaue ; but such hope deceiues him , because he hopes to liue longer . CHARACT . XX. A Lyar IS a tame Foxe ; hunted vp and down , often for pleasure , often against his will. Arithmetick is in him a natural vice , or at least the principall parts of the Science : for he can both substract & multiply with more ease then speake true English : He may as well be a Trades-man of any sort by his professiō , ●s a Knight of the post , or a man-pleaser . He should ( by his qualities ) be a good Gamester ; for the one is iust in league with a voluntary ignorance , or any inforced knowledge , as much as the other : Hee neuer offends this way , but he offends double ; for he cannot with credit , or knowledge of the Art Military , thinke it sufficient to defend with bare affirmance , & the wals of circūuention , except his cannōothes be ready planted and discharged . He is not guilty of his own vice alone ; for seldom doth he auouch it , which his confederate wil not iustifie : & therfore he prouides adherents for security : his cōmō misery is wel known , it persecuts him with diuine iustice for all his truth'is extraordinarie , winne no beleife ; because no false-hoods are so frequent . Any aduantage accruing to himselfe prouokes his faculty ; though sometimes a friends loue intices him to strange aduentures . If neither the first nor second bee opportune , he so labours onely to beget wonderfull narrations . Hee is ready enough to ouer-value himselfe , his friends , and his commodity : accounting it a pollitick straine to set an excellent faire glosse on all ; that hee may purchase the reputation of a large estate : Which seemes to argue an innocent vpright course , not fearing tyranny : But indeed he doth ( from hence ) deceiue the world and die a beggar , through the foregoing estimation . Hee tels no wonder , without some preparatiue : as namely , he admits before hand what may be : or he begins thus : You may thinke it is a lie : or , it will seeme strange , but I protest before God , it is very true : or the like : But if hee bee one that maintaines Ordinaries and publick meetings ; he speakes altogether vpon credible report ; and you shall be the third man partakes of the nouelty : for hee hath alwaies talked with one , that was an eye-witnesse : if hee were not himselfe the agent or beholder . He may at his electition be admitted into the Colledge of Iesuites , but hee loues not to forsake his Country , though he boasts of trauailes ; and yet he is a meere fugitiue . He was originally intended for a Rhetorician ; and lackes onely a little instruction : For hee is more conuersant with Tropes then Figures ; and yet the figure of repetition , is his owne naturall . Attention makes thee very much culpable in his reports : beliefe makes thee apt to erre in the same kind . He is more confident ( if hee could be vncased ) in the rare exploits of Rosaclere , and Delphoebo , Amadis de Gaule , or Parismus , then the most holy Text of Scripture . If hee should striue for Antiquity , no English Generation can compare with him : And yet hee needes no Herald , for hee deriues his Pedigree immediately from the deuill . CHARACT : XXI . A Drunkard IS in Opinion a good fellow , in practice a liuing conduit . Hee is at all points armed for a Knight errant , and cald vpon for aduentures , euery way as full of hazard . This makes him enter boldly into the Lyons , or the Greene Dragons Caue ; into the White Beares iawes , the Mermaids closets , the Sunnes Palace ; nay , more into the deuils chamber of presence . And for his Trauailes let the Globe witnesse ; through euery corner of which , he hath or can walke at his pleasure . Freedome hee challenges , and therefore scornes to be a tedious customer , till by enforcement , hee drinkes vpon record : otherwise he shifts his watring place ; either to auoid his lowse , the Baylife ; or to renew his fountaine : the last onely pleades for his commendation , because hee proceedes still from worse to better : which discommends him most , because it nourishes his facultie . The torment of his eye-sight is a frothy Tapster , or a sluggish Drawer with a deceitfull po● . The plagues of his palat be good wines , where he cannot purchase , nor be trusted : or a Taverne well furnished , that ioynes to the prison doore : they vexe him , as a feast vexes the famished , in a strong Castle : or a Lambe the starued Foxe , when Mas●ifes be awake . He never disallowes religion for putting Lent in the Almanack : for Tobacco , a Rasher , and red Herrings , his instruments of relish , bee at all times perhibited . Hee hath a cheape course of breake-fasts , to auoide dinners ; which at his pleasure he can spare , through morning Antidotes : the inquisition of these he studies , and looses by the knowledge . Hee indifferently concludes , and beginnes quarrels : that quality neither much blames nor praises him . Opportunity hee embraces , but in a bad sense : for he is rather studious to follow any mans calling then his owne . His nose the most innocent , beares the corruption of his other senses folly ; From it may bee gathered the embleme of one falsely scandald : for it not offending , is ●olourably punished . It serues therefore for nothing but such an Embleme , except to proue the owners great innocence , by how much it is the greater : His eminent seeming vertues be his peculiar vices : For his casting vp expences , and his wisedome ouer the pot , be his vnthriftinesse , and folly : Hee were vtterly base , if vnable to defend his habite : you shall therefore know him by his arguments . If hee inclines to Scholler-ship , they be these : First , to abandon melancholy ; For care , hee faith , kils a Cat : then to auoide mischieuous thoughts ; for hee that drinkes well , sleepes well , and hee that sleeps well thinks no harme : The weaknes of which may be soone confuted , because he staggers in the argument . His teeth be strongest , because least employed . Hence you ●ay take the embleme of one truely miserable ; who abounds in profites , which he doth not vse . A beggar , and he are both of one stock , but the beggar claimes antiquity : the beggar did drinke that he might beg , & hath his meaning : the other drinkes that he may beg , & shal haue the true mening shortly . In the degree of beggars it is thought he wil turne Dummerer ; he practises already , & is for that purpose many times taken speechlesse . If he goes out in the morning a libertine or free-man , he returns at night a prisoner , if he doth return : for he cannot returne safely without his keeper : otherwise , he converts suddenly frō flesh to fish , & diues into the mud , or swims in his own water . These together proue fasting-nights to be his naturall season . Whilst he is waking , he purges all secrets ; least I therefore by keeping him awake longer , should erre in the same kinde , I haue now cast him into a dead sleepe . CHARAC. XXII . A Begging Scholler IS an Artificiall vagabond : Hee tooke his first degree ( as wee may imagine ) in the Vniuersity : But he neuer thinkes himselfe a full Graduate ; till by Cosmographicall science , he suruey the degrees of Longitude , and Latitude , belonging to most of our famous Citties in England : So he becomes practitioner in the Mathematickes , though hee pretends Diuinity by order of Commencement , which might bee a safe licence among diuers ; if the Statute vouchsafed not to take notice of his roguery . He hath from the first houre of his Matriculation inherited the name of Sharke , by way of a generall dependance in the Colledge : But being perhaps expulsed , or departing in a hungry humor , he trauels with a prompt memory , insteed of other knowledge ; and aboue all things he is wise enough for himselfe , to remember his wants . Hee neuer looked into Diuinity beyond the meaning of two Sermons ; and vpon those he hath insisted so often , that he feeles no need of another Library : He still pretends ( like some single Physitian ) the cure of one disease , that is , the cold of charity , and therefore ( his charitable aduise being ended ) a bill of receipt followes for the ingredients : But the disease may be thought to grow more desperate through the mistaken cure ; because the medicine is applied vnfitly . His helpe extends farre and neere to fugitiue Raga-muffians , vnder the signe of impotent souldiers , or wandring Abraham-men ; but his helpe proues the maintenance of their function , because it proues his owne , by occasion : For being receiued as a Secretary to the counsell of vagrants , hee conceals much idle property , in aduantage of himselfe and Country-men , not of the common-wealth . If you would priuately know him ; you must know likewise , the iourney to his friends hath beene tediously vndertaken ; and whilst hee brings his mony in question , you must know he begges for an answere , and so betrayes the doubt of sufficiency : howsoeuer ( in publick ) he insinuates a depriuation ; by being too sufficient . Being admitted ( for Hospitality sake ) to receiue lodging ; he hath a slight of hand , or cleanely conueiance , which threaten siluer spoones ; and leaues a desperate sorrow among all the houshold seruants , because he departed so soone . In the space of a naturall day he seldome trauailes further then to the next Ale-house ; that so by degrees he may approach to a great Market vpon the Sabboth . He paies for what he takes continually , one way or other : for being no customer , he cannot bee trusted , except in case of necessity ; and then he paies them experience to beware of such as he another time . He hath learning to propound the Apostles president for trauailes , but conscience litle enough to look any further . If his family be not portable , it comes in the rereward , and awaites his returne to the Rendevouze : if otherwise he be attēded with neither wife , nor maide-seruant ; he makes vse of both , as hee finds himselfe able : Hee is sometime inducted by a simple Patron , to some more simple Vicarage ; But his Tithes and Credit concluding in Haruest , he takes his slight with the Swallow : He cannot therefore thriue among the promoted begging Schollers , because hee hath no continuance . ( *** ) ( ⸫ ) The second Booke of Characters . CHARACT . I. A Iaylor IS the beggars body-lowse , which liues vpon the bloud and carcase of thē which can worst spare any : He proceeds commonly from such a one , as could not gouerne himselfe , to gouerne others imperiously : He cannot thinke of a place , more sutable with the safe practise of his villany : No , not among the roarers , or the company of quack-saluers : a thiefe , & a Murtherer , be the names which make him iron mad , whiles himselfe proues the more exquisite offender : and if formerly he hath bin infamous among al , it proues felicity with him now to insult over some , & growes the more implacable . At his first inductiō , he begins ( like al new Officers ) to reform methodically : Neither doth he spare to diuulge ( with oftentation ) the marrow of his deerest policies : He may very wel seeme a bountiful Host , for he detaines his customers whether they will or no : but his bounty retireth , whē he looseth aduantage . He is a true Alchymist , no dreamer in that science : nor the best proficient hath thriu'd better in his proiections : He doth indeed familiarly ( by vertue of his stone-wals , without the Philosphers stone ) cōuert rusty Iron into perfect siluer : He makes men beleeue , that the poore captiues shall work in daily labor to get a liuing : whiles his coniecture is verified in their nightly labor , by working throgh the enclosure ; or being idle they get liuings too many : If he perceiues an opē obiect of increase , he wil himselfe work the meanes of disorder by plētiful liquor , that so a large fine may redeeme the quarrell : To which purpose he doth sophisticate his fuming Beere , to breed a skirmish the sooner : & then the dungeon is a dreadfull word , vntill a cōpetent bribe pacify his humor . Nothing makes him so merry as a harsh mittimus , & a potēt captiue : they come like an inscriptiō with a fat goose against new-yeares-tide : but baile sounds a sorrowfull retrait : as if the inferiour Thiefe should loose a booty by composition : and yet he will take his wiues suretiship for the more extent of liberty , because hee knowes her perfect in the instructions of that Alchymie . Hee is a circumspect companion , and still dreames of an escape : and of a breaking forth hee may well dreame , having so many putrified sores in one body ; but seldome do any escape in his debt , though at their breaking out , they be a weeke behinde : for aboue one weeke he never trusts ; and not so long , vnlesse the former aduantage wil recompence a fortnights arrerages . Briefly , hee is in a manner the Diuels huntsman , who keepes those Beagles either for castigation , because they were not cunning enough , else for amendment of the Chace . For if he sends them forth , they proue Graduates , when they escape the Gallowes . As for himselfe , you may either meet him in the midst of Carrowses among his Customers , or riding post in melancholy , to re-imparke his wilde runnagates . CHARAC. II. An Informer IS a protected Cheater , or a Knaue in authoritie , licenced by authority : he sprang from the corruption of other mens dishonesty ; and meetes none so intricately vitious , but hee can match the paterne : which makes him free of all Trades by the statute : for this giues him a freedome to survey all besides himselfe . He is a fellow as much beholding to his fiue senses , as to his intellectuals : he can diversly imploy all his senses about diverse obiects ; but commonly they are all occupied about one or two chiefly : the winding vp of a iack is better then musicke to his cares in Lent : the steame of a roasted ioynt attracts his nostrils vnsatiably : the sight of a shoulder of Mutton then feeds his stomacke ; but the taste and feeling of it , provokes him to a dreadfull insultation . He is worse then an Otter-hound for a diue-dopping Ale-house-keeper : and hunts him out vnreasonably from his Element of Liquor ; and yet he may seeme reasonable honest , for he hearkens readily to a composition . But whilst he consents to saue men harmlesse ( vpon tearmes indifferent ) he makes open way for another of his coat to incroach vpon the like premises . Victuallers therefore find no relaxation by his oath or assistance ; though they shold meet with more trouble , if he did not assist them . Arbitremēts be besides his calling : but if he be held sit to be an arbibitrator , he will haue a sure hand in the businesse . For if he be trusted to keepe the pledge of their reconcilement , the pledge must be his , whilst they are reconciled at their own peril . He comes alwaies with a serious countenāce to deiected Ale-men , and promiseth restauration with an Exchequer licence to vex the Iustices : whilst hee takes forty shillings , three pound , or vpward for a single sub-poena , to defend the Liquor-man ; who incurres new charges by trusting in the apparant cousenage . He takes away the relation betwixt a Lawyer and his Client ; and makes it generally extend to the Clearkes in Offices ; vnder whose safegard hee hath his Licence seal'd to travaile : a foot-post and he differ in the discharge of their packet , and the payment : for the Informer is content to tarry the next Tearme ( perhappes ) till a Iudgement . His profession affoords practisers both great and small ; both bucke-hounds and harriers : the essence of both is inquisitiō . But the first is a more thriving and ancient stocke of hatred : for he is a kinde of Antiquarie : the last is seldome medling with men much aboue him : howsoever , sometimes he is casually the scourge of an ignorant Iustice. CHARAC. III. Abase Mercenary Poet IS the most faithfull obsequious seruant of him that giues most : he subscribes his definition to all Dedicatory Epistles . If mother-wit raisd him to be a writer , he shewes himselfe a dutifull Childe , and begges Poems in defence of Nature : neither can hee choose but betray himselfe to be a cosset , by his odde frisking matter , and his Apish Titles : which may perswade any reasonable man , that he studies more to make faces , then a decent carriage . If he haue learnt Lillies Grammer , and a peece of Ouids Metamorphosis , he thinkes it time to aske his patrons blessing with some worke that savours very much of the authors meaning , and two or three Latine sentences . If he hath seene the Vniversity , and forsaken it againe , because he felt no deserts which might chalenge a benefactor : then he calles every man ( besides his patron ) a despiser of learning , and he is wonderfull angry with the world ; but a brace of angels will pacifie his humour . If hee be an expulsed Graduate , hee hath beene conversant so long with rules of Art , that hee can expresse nothing without the Art of begging , or publicke sale : but commonly hee is some swimming-headed Clarke , who after he hath spent much time in idle Sonners , is driven to seeke the tune of Silver , to make vp his consort . Necessity and covetous hire , bribe his invention , but cannot corrupt his conscience : for though hee vndertakes more then hee is able , yet hee concludes within expectation of others that know him , and so hee deceiues himselfe onely . Hee will never forfeite his day to necessitie , if hee writes by obligation ; but hee never payes backe the principall to his Authour : which happens divers times when hee is the Scriuener and the Debtor : for the tide of one Pamphlet beeing vented at his elbowes , with leaning vpon Taverne-tables ; hee tyes himselfe to certaine limites ; within which precinctes hee borrowes much , translates much , coynes much , converting all to his proiect : and if matter failes , hee flyes vpon the Lawyer , or flatters his obiect : but hee never becomes so excellent , that the Creditor of his invention , may thinke it a dignitie to haue had such a Debtor : and therefore hee payes backe nothing . His Apologies discover his shifting cousenage : For he attributes the vices of his quill to the Ages infirmitie ; which endures nothing but amorous delights , close bawdry , or mirthfull studied Iests : As if the ignorance of any Age could hinder a wise mans propositions . Hee is a Traded fellow , though hee seemes a Scholler : but is never free of the Company , or accepted , till hee hath drunke out his Apprentise-hood among the grand Masters , and then with an vnivocall consent , hee may commend his Wares , turne them into the fashion , and dresse over his old Pamphlets , to incroach vpon the buyer . He presumes much vpon absolute good meanings , though the Text bee palpable : and yet where hee commends himselfe best , hee is not refractorie : for hee still promises amendment , or some more voluminous worke , to gratifie his Benefactors ; but hee could never liue long enough to finish his miracles . But hee is much indebted to the favour of Ladies , or at least seemes to haue been graciously rewarded : if he affects this humour , hee extolls their singular iudgement before he meddles with his matter in question : and so selles himselfe fictitiously to the worlds opinion . If his handes bee no more actiue then his head , hee is guiltie of many a good Scribes idlenesse , by making that legible , which ( before Trans-scription ) might haue been tolerable folly . If you be therefore an honest , or generous Patron , suffer him not to bee printed . CHARAC. IIII. A common Player IS a slow Payer , seldome a Purchaser , never a Puritan . The Statute hath done wisely to acknowledge him a Rogue : for his chiefe Essence is , A dayly Counterfeite : Hee hath been familiar so long with out-sides , that hee professes himselfe , ( beeing vnknowne ) to bee an apparant Gentleman . But his thinne Felt , and his Silke Stockings , or his foule Linnen , and faire Doublet , doe ( in him ) bodily reveale the Broaker : So beeing not sutable , hee proues a Motley : his minde obseruing the same fashion of his body : both consist of parcells and remnants : but his minde hath commonly the newer fashion , and the newer stuffe : hee would not else hearken so passionatly after new Tunes , new Trickes , new Devises : These together apparrell his braine and vnderstanding , whilest hee takes the materialls vpon trust , and is himselfe the Taylor to take measure of his soules liking . If hee cannot beleeue , hee doth coniecture strongly ; but dares not resolue vpon particulars , till he hath either spoken , or heard the Epilogue ; vnlesse he be prevented : neither dares hee entitle good things Good , vnlesse hee bee heartned on by the Multitude : till then , hee saith faintly what hee thinkes , with a willing purpose to recant or persist : So howsoever he pretends to haue a royall Master , or Mistresse , his wages and dependance proue him to bee the servant of the people . The cautions of his iudging humour ( if hee dares vndertake it ) bee a certaine number of lying iests against the common Lawyer ; hansome conceits against the fine Courtiers ; delicate quirkes against the rich Cuckold a Cittizen ; shadowed glaunces for good innocent Ladies and Gentlewomen ; with a nipping scoffe for some honest Iustice , who hath once imprisoned him : or some thriftie Trades-man , who hath allowed him no credit : alwayes remembred , his obiect is , A new Play , or A Play newly revived . Other Poems hee admits , as good fellowes take Tobacco , or ignorant Burgesses giue a voyce , for company sake ; as things that neither maintaine , nor bee against him . Hee can seeme no lesse then one in honour , or at least one mounted : for vnto miseries which persecute such , hee is most incident . Hence it proceedes , that in the prosperous fortune of a Play frequented , hee proues immoderate , and falles into a Drunkards paradise , till it be last no longer . Otherwise when adversities come , they come together : For Lent and Shroue-tuesday bee not farre asunder : then hee is deiected daily and weekely : his blessings be neither lame nor monstrous ; they goe vpon foure legges ; but moue slowly ; and make as great a distance betweene their steppes , as betweene the foure Tearmes . If he marries , hee mistakes the Woman for the Boy in Womans attire , by not respecting a difference in the mischiefe . But so long as hee liues vnmarried , he mistakes the Boy , or a Whore for the Woman ; by courting the first on the stage , or visiting the second at her devotions . Take him at the best , he is but a shifting companion ; for he liues effectually by putting on , and putting off . If his profession were single , hee would thinke himselfe a simple fellow , as hee doth all professions besides his owne : His owne therefore is compounded of all Natures , all Humours , all professions . Hee is politick enough to perceiue the Common-wealths doubts of his licence , and therefore in spight of Parliaments or Statutes he incorporates himselfe by the title of a Brother-hood . I need not multiply his character ; for boyes and euery one , will no sooner see men of this Faculty walke along , but they will ( vnasked ) informe you what hee is by the vulgar denomination . CHARAC. V. A Warrener IS an earthly minded man : Hee plucks his liuing frō the earths bowels : and therfore is his mind most conuersant about that element : He liues in a little Arcenall or Watch-tower , being well prouided with Engines and Artilery : with which ( like another tyrant ) he doth encounter the enemies of his Inhabitants ; that he may engrosse them all the more entirely : And yet in some respects he is a good Gouernour , for he delights more in the death of an enemy , then six subiects : The reason is apparant , for one foe is able to destroy twenty of his Vassailes ; and so his gaines be preuented : Therefore a Pole-cat and he be at continuall variance : yet he is charitable and mercifull , for if the Pole-cat turne Ferret and obey him , none agree better : Hee doth Waive much spoile by his mid-night watches , and yet he owes no Lord-ship : The truth is , tumblers , nets , and other traffick do escheate to him , although the owner be liuing . He verifies the prouerbe of plenty , as the more he hath , the more he doth desire : for though his owne ground be full of breeders , yet he cannot forbeare to haue his hand in priuate Warrens . Hee is much , and most perplexed , because pales and hedges will not keepe his Cattell in compasse : if he cannot therefore compound with the neighbours adiacent , he hath a trick to affright those that transgresse their limites , by scattering murtherd captiues ( as Pole-cats , and Weasels ) in their places of refuge : And this is a deepe quillet in the profession : Besides this , he hath little knowledge of moment , except the science of making Trappes : or circumuention of innocent dogs to feed vermine : The chiefe petition of his prayer , is for blacke frosts , Sunne-shine weather , and calme mid-nights : vnder the protection of the last , he walkes fearelesse , with a pike-staffe , to exercise the liberty of that season among other mens backesides : Where he hath many night-spels , to the hazard of much Pullen , and indeed all things thieue-able ; if he doth not play the valiant Foot-man , and take tribute of passengers : Neither is he worthy to be such a dealer with nets and Cony-catchings , if he could not intrap the Kings subiects . I make no question therfore that he is worthy of his profession : Howsoeuer sometimes he is catcht in a pitfal of liquor by his companions : whilst they perhaps being Poulterers , proue tyrannicall substitutes , and rob his possessions : but in reuenge , hee doth often encroach vpon the Poulterers likewise with a drunken bargaine . CHARAC. VI. A Huntsman IS the leiutenant of dogs , and foe to Haruest : He is frolick in a faire morning fit for his pleasure ; and alike reioyceth with the Virginians , to see the rising Sun : He doth worship it as they ; but worships his Game more then they : And is in some things almost as barbarous . A sluggard he contemnes , & thinks the resting time might be shortned ; which makes him rise with day , obserue the same pace , and proue full as happy ; if the day be happy . The names of Foxe , Hare , and Bucke , be all attracting sillables ; sufficient to furnish fifteene meales with long discourse in the aduentures of each . Foxe , drawes in his exploits done against Cubbes , Bitch-foxes , Otters , and Badgers : Hare , brings out his encounters , plat-formes , engines , fortifications , and night-worke done against Leueret , Cony , Wilde-cat , Rabbet , Weasell , and Pole-cat : Then Bucke , the Captaine of all , prouokes him ( not without strong Passion ) to remēber Hart , Hind , Stagge , Doe , Pricket , Fawne , and Fallow Deere . He vses a dogged forme of gouernement , which might bee ( without shame ) kept in Humanity ; and yet he is vnwilling to be gouerned with the same reason : either by being satisfied with pleasure , or content with ill fortune . Hee hath the discipline to marshall dogs , and sutably ; when a wise Herald would rather meruaile , how he should distinguish their coates , birth , and gentry . Hee carries about him in his mouth the very soule of Ouids bodies , metamorphosed into Trees , Rockes , and Waters : For when he pleases , they shall eccho and distinctly answere ; and when he pleases , be extreamely silent . There is little danger in him towards the Common wealth : for his worst intelligence comes from Shepheards or Woodmen ; and that onely threatens the destruction of Hares ; a well-knowne dry meate . The Spring and he are still at variance ; in mockage therefore , and reuenge together of that season , he weares her liuery in Winter . Little consultations please him best ; but the best directions he doth loue and follow , they are his dogs : If hee cannot preuaile therefore , his lucke must be blamed ; for he takes a speedy course . He cannot be lesse then a conquerour from the beginning , though he wants the booty ; for he pursues the flight . His Man-hood is a crooked sword with a saw backe ; but the badge of his generous valour is a horne to giue notice . Battery and blowing vp , hee loues not : to vndermine is his Stratageme . His Physick teaches him not to drinke sweating ; in amends whereof , he liquors himselfe to a heate , vpon coole bloud ; If hee delights ( at least ) to emulate his dog in a hot nose . If a kennell of hounds passant take away his attention and company from Church ; do not blame his deuotion ; for in them consists the nature of it , and his knowledge . His frailties are , that he is apt to mistake any dog worth the stealing , and neuer take notice of the Collar . Hee dreames of a Hare sitting , a Foxe earthed , or the Bucke couchant : And if his fancy would be moderate , his actions might be full of pleasure . CHARACT . VII . A Falkoner IS the egge of a tame Pullet , hatcht vp among the Hawkes and Spaniels . Hee hath in his minority conuersed with Kestrils , and yong Hobbies ; but growing vp he begins to handle the sure , & look a Fawlcō in the face . All his learning makes him but a new Linguist ; for to haue studied and practised the termes of Hawkes Dictionary , is enough to excuse his wit , manners , and humanity . He hath too many Trades to thriue ; and yet if hee had fewer , hee would thriue lesse : Hee need not bee enuied therfore , for a Monopolie , though he be Barber-surgeon , Physitian , and Apothecary , before he commences Hawk-leech : for though he exercise all these , and the Art of Bow-strings together , his patients be compelled to pay him no further , then they bee able . Hawkes be his obiect , that is , his knowledge , admiration , labour , and all : they be indeed his idoll , or mistresse , be they Male or Female : to them he consecrates his amorous Ditties , which be no sooner framed then hallowed : Nor should he doubt to ouercome the fairest , seeing he reclaimes such Haggards ; and courts euery one with a peculiar Dialect . That he is truely affected to his Sweet-heart in her fether-bed , appeares by the sequele ; himselfe being sensible of the same misery : for they be both mewed vp together : But he still chuses the worst pennance ; by chusing rather an Ale-house , or a Cellar , for his moulting place , then the Hawkes mew . He cannot bee thought lesse then a spie , and that a dangerous one : For his espials are , that hee may see the fall of what he persecutes : and so the Wood-cocks perish : If they do not , his Art is suspended . He is a right busy-body , who intermeddles so much with others affaires , that he forgets his own . He would not else correct his Hawkes wildnesse ; and be so ready to trample downe the standing corne ; or make way through enclosures : That argues him to be Rebellious , & Vulgar ; one apt to striue for liberty . His Man-hood I dare not signifie , it remaines doubtfull vpon equall tearmes , because , seldome tried with any thing but wild-fowle : and then he performes water-seruice ; perhaps sea-seruice ; but both in some fowle manner : By Land he serues , on horse or foot ; on both , to destroy Partrige , or Pheasant . There is no hope of his rising , though he doth excell ; for he rather seekes to make others ambitious of rising , then himselfe : and therefore though he frames wings with Daedalus , he therby makes his Hawke onely ambitious : Yet if any shall ( by coniecture ) take a flight from Paules Steeple ; hee will ( I suppose ) as soone as any . I had rather ( in the meane time ) take his word then his oath ; for when he speakes without an oath , he is not troubled with the passion of his Curres , or Haggards ; and therefore cannot so well excuse it , if he breakes his promise . As for Religion , she is a bird of too high a wing ; his Hawkes cannot reach it , and therefore not Hee : And if hee flies to heauen , it is a better flight , then any hee hath commemended : There , I meddle not with him ; thither he must carry himselfe : for I can neither condemne , nor saue him . CHARACT . VIII . A Farmer IS a concealed commodity : his worth or value is not fully knowne till he be halfe rotten , and then he is worth nothing : he hath Religion enough to say , God blesse his Maiesty ; God send peace , and faire weather ; So that one may picke Haruest out of him to be his time of happines : but the Tith-sheafe goes against his conscience ; for he had rather spend the value vpon his Reapers and Plough-men , then bestow any thing to the maintenance of a Parson . Hee is sufficiently booke-read , nay a profound Doctor , if he can search into the diseases of Cattell : and to fore-tell raine by tokens , makes him a miraculous Astronomer . To speake good English is more then he much regards ; and for him not to contemne all Arts and Languages , were to condemne his owne education . The pride of his house-keeping is a messe of Creame , a Pig , or a greene Goose , and if his seruants can vncontrowled finde the high-way to the Cup boord , it winnes the name of a bountifull Yeoman . To purchase Armes ( if he aemulates Gentry ) sets vpon him like an Ague : it breakes his sleepe , takes away his stomacke , and he can neuer be quiet till the Herald hath giuen him the Harrowes , the Cuckow , or some ridiculous Embleme for his Armory . The bringing vp , and Mariage of his eldest sonne , is an ambition which afflicts him so soone as the boy is borne , and the hope to see his sonne superior , or placed aboue him , driues him to dote vpon the boy in his Cradle : To peruse the Statutes and preferre them before the Bible , makes him purchase the credit of a shrewd fellow , and then he brings all aduersaries to composition ; and if at length he can discouer himselfe in large Legacies beyond expectation , he hath his desire . Meane time , he makes the preuention of a dearth his title , to be thought a good Common-wealths man : And therefore hee preserues a a Chandelors treasure of Bacon , Linkes and Puddings in the Chimney corner . Hee is quickely and contentedly put into the fashion , if his cloathes bee made against Whitsontide or Christmas day : and then outwardly hee contemnes appearance : he cannot therefore choose but hate a Spaniard likewise ; and ( hee thinkes ) that hatred onely , makes him a loyall subiect : for benevolence and subsidies be more vnseasonable to him , then his quarters rent . Briefly , being a good house-keeper , hee is an honest man ; and so , hee thinkes of no rising higher , but rising early in the morning ; and beeing vp , hee hath no end of motion , but wanders in his woods and pastures so effectually , that when he sleepes , or sits , hee wanders likewise . After this , he turns into his elemēt , by being too ventrous hot , & cold : then he is fit for nothing but a checkered graue : howsoever some may think him convenient to make an everlasting lasting bridge ; because his best foundation hath been ( perhaps ) vpon wool-packes . CHARAC. IX . An Hostesse IS ( if beautifull ) the abatement of reckonings , or the second course : if a widow , shee is the iourneyes end of a wether-beabeaten Traveller : if ordinary , she is the seruant & the mistris ; but in generall , she is a receiver to all professions , and acquainted by experience with cookery , or sluttery . Being invited to her owne provisions , shee prepares the way to mitigate her prises , either by exclaiming vpon the hard times , or insinuating the sublime price of Mutton . She must be pardoned , though she depart before supper is ended , or approch when supper is ended ; for shee is modestly ashamed to heare her sinfull reckonings . She professes the kitchin , but takes place in the chamber : and having interrupted the Guest with a cup of Heartily welcome , she signifies his sorrow , though it bee manifest silence ; shee excuses the attendance by variety of guests ; and blaming the Maid-servants , she commends herselfe for the sole agent : and you must conceiue amisse of the shambles , or butter-market vpon her honesty . Her chiefest knowledge is to distinguish vpon the trades of our belly ; and though shee condemnes a Taylor for strengthening his bill with bumbast , stiffening , silke and buttons ; yet shee furnishes her owne in the same kinde , with wine , bread , sallets , and cheese ; and though she seldome abate the price of reckonings , yet she can giue a morsell of her owne into the bargaine ; if that may satisfie . She may abhorre drunkennesse ; but in her owne house conceales it , and receiues the advantage : neither dares she reproue her husbands thirstie humor , least she should loose her libertie ; when hee resignes his power to lazinesse , by which hee was ingendred . Her husbands sloth make her imployed proudly ; being heartily ambitious of labour , if shee can boast well , that her paines alone keepe her husband and his family : If her selfe be spunge and corke , she hath a daughter , or a Chamber-maid of Ivy. These and she together make the best of a bad bargaine ; and therefore shee affoords no peny-worth which is not the best that can suddenly be bought for money . She seldome invites cost-free : for she determines to be paid commonly . If therefore she doth invite , she is a rare woman ; neither hath she any thing else to plead raritie . Briefly , shee is a thing of cleane linnen , that is the warrant of her cleanlinesse : She makes the welcome of a new , the farewell of an old Traveller . She hearkens ioyfully to the numerous footing of horses ; and having , with a quicke accent twise called the Chamberlaine , she is now busie about dressing supper . CHARACT . X. A Tapster . IS an Infernall : the Belzebub of a Sellar , and the very motion of a double Iugge . Hee was ingendred by a Drunkards appetite and vrine : for nothing but his desire to fill and emptie , hath bred a Tapster . He striues to be familiar at first sight ; but instead of friendship hee retaines the names of Customers : onely betwixt Brewers men and him , there passes hungry and thirstie loue ; consisting of Holland-cheese & rowles in recompence of Bottle-ale , and strong Beere . Drawers and hee liue at variance ; for he thinkes the grape a disparragement to malt ; and therefore hee incounters Wine even with the smallest Beere he hath , to affright the fortitude of Sacke and Claret with extremitie : But ( which betrayes his stratagems ) he gladly makes the Vintners vessell his vassaile and Renegado . His riches are single , they consist of single money ; his profession double , it consists of double Beere : but then his faculties are againe so single , that if he leaues the cellar , hee must begge or steale : for ignorance and lazinesse haue beene his education . Meane time he is kept from robbery by exchange of single peeces : and yet hee disables himselfe in exchange , vnlesse hee expects nothing by delay . He feeles the same sorrow to heare you discommend his liquor , that hee doth to see you depart . * It goes against his conscience to see the cup stand quietly ; and against his stomack to see you preferre Mutton before powdred beefe . He hath an ambitious memory , which cannot deceiue him , because hee hath taught it to deceiue others : for his aboundance of memory , and his meaning to get a stocke , labour to beget a superfluous two-pence in the reckoning . His braine swarmes with a tempest of bottle-reckonings ; which makes him carelesse of hats , least hee should breed an impostume , by inclosing their multitude , else he is afraid least the hot and moyst reckonings he carries in his head , should dissolue his felt ; and therfor che goes vncovered : else to shew he reverences the Cellar & weeke-dayes , more then the Church or Sabboth ; for then onely hee playes the Turke , and puts on else ( which is indeed the reason ) he knowes all commers claime his dutie , and therfore he walkes bare-headed to saue a labour . He attributes the scant measure of his Iugge to the Cellars darkenesse , and his saving nature ; but rather then he will iustifie both , he hath a certaine slight of hand to fill the first glasse , and so avoyds inquisition . All his conscience is , that he dares not cast away Gods good creatures ; and therefore he preserues the droppings to make a compound . Of his prayers and religion , I neither finde any thing , nor will I leaue any thing written . But I beleeue strongly , that in stead of Praying , he wishes to heare men desirous of Collops and Egges , or red Herrings . And therefore I thinke he should thriue best in a sea voyage ; because hee commends the relish of meates seasoned exceedingly . He hath nothing to commend his literature , but Brachigraphy , or the science of short writing , which hee practises vpon the barrels head , or behind the doore : the meaning whereof hee propounds , but doth not discover the rules . If he dares defend his function in Winter , he must provide an Orator : for he speakes coldly for himselfe , as being troubled with a common hoarsenesse , to betray his vigilance . Briefly , you must imagine him a light fellow , and like the c●rke , which swimmes with moysture , is supported with liquor , and tied about the bottle or iugges neck : there , or neere about that , you may finde him personally . CHARAC. XI . A Lawyers Clarke IS his Masters right hand , except hee writes with his left : or the second dresser of Sheep-skinnes : one that can extract more from the parchment , then the Husband-man from the Fleece . He is a weake Grammarian ; for hee beginnes to peirce , before he can construc well : witnesse the Chamber-maid . Neither can you discommend him : for his best education hath beene at a dull Writing-schoole . Hee doth gladly imitate Gentlemen in their garments ; they allure the Wenches , and may ( perhaps ) provoke his Mistresse : but then hee must bee a Customer to Cookes shoppes , and low Ordinaries , or visite the Broaker , to be-speake Silke stockings ; without which hee thinkes Gentry doth much degenerate ▪ presuming on which , and his plausible discourse , he dares attempt a mistresse : but if hee chooses worthily , hee feeles himselfe worthily contemned , because hee woes with bawdery in text ; and with Iests , or speeches stolne from Playes , or from the common-helping Arcadia . Hee may bee reasonably commaunded by his maister in attendance : but if he rides with a Cloake-bagge , hee thinkes himselfe disgraced behinde his backe . Howsoever , hee is otherwise a peaceable companion : for as hee continually makes agreement , so himselfe sits quietly , by his owne Embleme of meeknesse , the sheeps-skinne ; except the itch troubles him . You can make no question that he is not ignorant to dispatch readily ; for he hath his businesse at his fingers end . Hee may pretend Schollership , but all that is nothing to a Iugglers , who exceedes in the slight of hand ; which is the Art of both . Hee trembles therefore alike with all Handicrafts , ( though he be most valorous ) to thinke he should dare strike in the court : for vpon his Palmes and Fingers depend his In-comes . Hee is no vaine Disputant ; his knowledge is positiue ingrossed , and so vpon record . Selfe-conceit in labours , hee refuses : for hee labours about nothing which is not iustifiable by Presidents ; either of West , his master , or a teacher . His Poetry is meere naturall , if he hath any ; that costs him no labour : in carriage , and the rest , hee barely imitates ; that labour is worth nothing . Hee is not ashamed of what he doth : for hee regards not to haue a finger , but a whole hand in the businesse . To which purpose you may see his name subscribed in Court , after sealed and delivered . Hee doth relye vpon his masters practise , large indentures , and a deske to write vpon . Westminster likewise doth not altogether not concerne him : hee hath a motion thither , and a motion there : thither hee moues by way of iniunction from his Master : there he moues in the common place of breake-fasts , for reliefe of his stomacke ; and if hee can match his breake fast and dinner without grudging of his stomacke , hee hath his desire . Hee is a follower : for he weares a livery ; but no seruant , for hee payes his owne wages . Serving himselfe , he serues God by occasion : for whilst hee loues his gaine , and serues his desire of getting , hee hates idlenesse . If his master thriues , hee cannot doe amisse ; for hee leades the way , and still rides before ; but if hee incline to the consumption of state , hee needes a master that can thriue in that practise also , to recover him . Hee is the Sophister , or Solliciter to an Atturney ; and from himselfe hee proceedes to an Atturney : that is his commencement . ( *** ) CHARACT . XII . A meere Atturney IS a fellow at your command for ten groates , and hath no inheritance , but a knavish forme of vnderstanding . Hee is extreamly graced if he talke with two velvet-cloak'd Clients in fiue Tearmes ; and desires to salute great Lawyers in view to purchase reputation . He is indeed the vpshot of a Lawyers Clarke , and retailes his Learning from Poenall Statutes , or an English Littleton . He is a better commoditie to himselfe then Stockefish ( being wel beaten ) His chiefe inventiō is how he may take bribes from both parties , & please both fashionably : how he may cousen his friends to all advantage , and giue the glosse of good dealing : if his wickednesse thriues well , he proues a terrible Asse in a Lyons skin : But whilst he out-dares the Eagle , and forgets himselfe to be a Kastrell , his confidence deceiues him : His Pen and Inke-horne is a speciall propertie ; he weares it pendant , to expresse his dependance : Sub-paenaes , Executions , and all Writs of quarrell be his bond slaues . He doth naturally exclaime vpon Poets and Players ; they are too inquisitiue about his cousonage . He commends Diuinity ; but makes the professors simple men when they submit to his mercy : He still preferres the authority of a Statute where it makes for his purpose ( though mistaken ) before God and a good conscience . His Religion is the Kings continually : And he would willingly come to C●urch on Sundaies if he had ended his Declarations : His chiefe pride is to behaue himselfe better then he is able , and chiefely in deliuering of his charge at Court-leetes , where he assumes much peremptory state , and knowes the audience cannot distinguish where hee stole his lesson : and then though his minde be not in the Dishes , it is in the K●tchin . His highest ambition is an Innes of Court , an old rich Widdow , and the Steward-ship of Leetes , and still hee hopes to be first of his name : Hee loues little manners but where he hopes to saue , and there he plaies the Sycophant . He had rather eate still then wipe his mouth : his Almes bee old S●ooes for Broomes , one for another ; for without receiuing he neuer giues . His discourse is commonly attended with a Scire facias , and he is ashamed in his heatt when he heares of a cunninger knaue then himselfe . Briefly , indeed hee is a meere Atturney , fit for all turnes that any way enrich his Cofer : for he hath knauery enough to cosen the people , but wit enough to deceiue the gallowes . Howsoeuer being too busy about his common baite of lucre ( thinking to snappe at the diuels glow worme ) he is catched in his common noose , the Pillorie ; from whence he is deliuered : but the Hunts-man markes him for for an old breeder . CHARAC. XIII . A crafty Scriuener IS the curse of mans crafty dealing , a curious workeman , and may be free of the Locke-smithes , for full of Instruments hee is , and Engines : and makes Manacles for any mans wearing aboue Twenty One. His first ambition commonly is to ioyne forces , and make vp his defects of policy , and custome by partaking in anothers proiects : then doth hee readily aspire to frequented places , a conuenient shop , the notice of his neighbours , and to engrosse credit , or some text Widdow , by the nouerint of his Grogren Gowne : A common strumpet neuer fawned so much on yong heire , as hee with flattery obserues the Vsurer , and with nice dutifull care to preserue him , makes his rotten hide , the chiefe Indentures that containe his Title . Obligations be his best prayers ; for hee cannot tie God to performe conditions , or put in fuertyship : his friendship hath a Counter mand of being too honest ; which hee will obey , rather then not saue by the bargaine . Hee is the safest man from danger in the pedigree of rapines ; for first , the gallant liues by sale and Country Tenants ; the Cittizen by the Gallant ; the Scriuener and the deuill vpon both , or all : So neither liues by losse with the Gallant , nor vpon trust , with the Citizen : his condemnation is a knot of Seales and their Impression : the first discouer to him a conformed vnity ; yet none hath more hand in the procuring of variance . The last discouers a tractable nature , which giues and takes impression . Of the first ( that is to giue ) he knowes no meaning but when he giues the print of his fist , that it may sticke by elder brothers a whole age : Of the last ( that is to take impression ) hee knowes none but a wrong meaning : for the best seale that imprints loue in him , is onely the Kings picture ; and that loue continues no longer then he beholds it . His quils and instruments betoken peace : you cannot therefore expect more valour in him , then to win ground by the aduantage of weake Prodigals , and such as runne away from thriftinesse : they be most importunate with him : with them hee preuailes most : to them he sels his extortious nature at the highest value , because they be most willing to make it their peny-worth . His memory is his owne ; another cannot safely trust it in reckoning the day of payment : for he reckons what he can saue , by renewing the hazard of a second forfeit , not your losse by the first : and so he ouer-reaches you , by ouer-reaching the time , when you trust his memory : which ( like an old ridden Iade ) lookes not to the Iourneies end but to the baiting place , though he goes further then the iournies end : If you trust him therefore you may feele the forfeite , and pay largely for an acquittance . His learning iumps iust with , or fals sometimes short of an Atturnies ; being onely able to repeate the afore-said forme to thousand purposes : So all his mistery is indeed nothing to encrease his Art , but his Policy , or plaine knauery : And that , being serued in , to the worlds banquet , represents a large foxes head , and a little Sheepe-skinne in diuers dishes . It is the totall of his Creed , that nothing should bee iustified , or called lawful , which hath not hand and Seale : that makes him exercise Hand and Seale , as the warrant for deuises of his head and Soule . He neuer rayses the spirit of a Prodigall by charmes , but he together rayses the spirit of mammon a Citizen , and then this potent coniurer binds them both fast in a Quadrangle . Hee will seeme to know the Statute and common Law ; but the construction failes commonly ( for he looks to his owne aduantage ) except the Law hath practised vpon his hearing , to teach the comment when he mistakes the Law. Hauing at length beene a long Auditor to the sweete lecture of Vsury , hee loues the matter so well , that he becomes proficient , graduate , and professour in the Science : but after generall profession hee approaches quickely to his center ( from whence hee sprung ) Nothing . CHARAC. XIIII . A Welch Client IS a good Iourney-man , if not a good Foot-man : He is the onely friend of Lawyers ( if they be Welch begotten ) and still sollicites them for a iudgement . His valour is , that hee can by no meanes carry coales ; and is therefore euer fittest for an action of the case . When hee expresseth ( as hee thinkes ) his bounty to out braue his aduersary before his Counsell , then doth hee rather and indeed expresse a waspish nature : The which together with variety of purses , be the best maintenance , if not commencement , of his action . His pride lies wrapt vp in a clout betweene his legges , or in a pocket in the Arme-hole : from thence hee drawes his Angels to feed his Lawyer , though himselfe sleepe supper-lesse . ( Howsoeuer ) hee is content to bee his owne Cooke ; and though his dyet bee slender , yet his mony and victuals lie within a clowtes thickenesse , to proue him able : This might excuse him from a beggarly want of food , but rather detects him of a beggarly thrift . Hee makes the Tearme his time of pilgrimage , and Offices at Law , the Shrine where hee offers vp his deuotion : Which ( after hee hath ended his voyage ) amounts to voluntary pennance ; for hee trauailes bare foote . Though hee bee long in trauaile and tarries late , yet nothing can be recouered by default of apparance : for invndations be his perpetuall affidavit ; and they alone are able to wash away all costs . The profit which hee giues to English Lawyers , hee giues generally to the Lawes profession : that proceeds from his language , which to the credite of Innes of Court , and Law-French , he vtters harshly , to the great amazement of beholders . A peece of Parchment and a Seale throughly paid for , satisfies him presently in steed of iudgement ; but otherwise he spends his faith vpon the hope of costs : And if hee dies before execution , he scarce hopes to be saued . CHARACT . XV. A Country Bridegroome IS the finest fellow in the Parish ; and hee that misinterprets my definition , deserues no Rosemary nor Rose-water : Hee neuer was maister of a feast before , that makes him hazard much new complement : But if his owne Maister bee absent , the Feast is full of displeasure ; except in his latter dayes he grew rebellious ; and then he must remoue away to his wiues Country ; except his fortunes be peremptory . Although he points out his brauery with ribbands , yet he hath no vaine-glory ; for he contemnes fine cloathes with dropping pottage in his bosome . The inuitation of guests , prouision of meate , getting of children , and his nuptiall garments , haue kept his braine long in trauaile ; if they were not arguments of his wooing Oratory . His inuitations are single , his prouisions double , his expected children seldome more then treble ; but his garments at least quadruple . Hee inuites by rule within in distance , where hee hopes to preuaile ; not without some paraphrase vpon his meaning . But ( howsoeuer ) hee seemes generous : for nothing troubles him , or takes away his stomacke more , then default of company : yet in his prouision hee had rather take away your stomacke then fill your belly . As for his children if he begets aboue three , hee may beget for Gods sake to store the Parish . And yet his rayment ( for the time ) must shew much variety . The Taylor likewise must bee a vexation to him , or his cloathes would neuer sit hansomely : But ( aboue all ) a bridle in his mouth would serue better then a Pickadell ; for if you restraine him from his obiects , and the engine of his necke , you put him into the Pillory . Hee must sauour of gallantry a little ; though he perfume the Table with Rose-cake ; or appropriate Bone-lace , and Couentry-blew . Hee hath Heraldry enough to place euery man by his Armes : But his quality smels rancke with running vp and downe to giue a heartily welcome : Blame him not though hee proue preposterous : for his inclination was perhaps alwayes good , but his behauiour now begins : which is notwithstanding ( hee thinkes ) well discharged if when he dances , the heeles of his shooes play the Galliard . ( *** ) ( ⸪ ) CHARACT . XVI . A Country Bride . IS the beginning of the world : or an old booke with a new Title : A quarters wages before hand , and the Title of a Country Dame bee the two Adaments of her affection . She rises with a resolution to be extremely sober : this begets silence , which giues her a repletion of aire without ventage : and that takes away her appetite . Shee seemes therefore commendably sober vnto all : but she driues the Parson out of patience with her modesty , vnlesse he haue interest or be inuited : She inclines to statelines , thogh ignorant of the meaning : Her interpretor , taster , caruer , and Sewer , be theresore accidentall ; and yet without these , she were an Image to the assembly . Rosemary and Ribbands be her best magnificence . She will therefore bestow a Livery , though she receiues backe wages : behauiour stickes to her like a disease ; necessity brings it ; neither can she take pleasure in the custome : and therefore importunacie with repetition , enforce her to dumbe signes : otherwise you must not looke for an answere . She is a courteous creature : nothing proceedes from her without a courtesie : Shee hath no ornament worth observance , if her gloues be not miraculous and singular . Those be the Trophy of some forlorne sutor , who contents himselfe with a large offring , or this glorious sentence , that she should haue beene his bed-fellow . Her best commendation is to be kist often : this onely proceeds from her without interruption . She may to some , seeme very raw in cariage , but this becomes noted through the feare of discovering it . No question is to bee made of her maiden-head : yet if she weepes , a question may arise ; as whether she doth still desire to keepe it ? but the answere take : away the doubt of loosing it : for neither can she repent her match before tryal , nor the losse of chastitie , seing she matcht for that purpose : but these are nothing to preserue her honesty : for she cannot also cunningly proceed ; but like a quiet creature , wishes to loose her Garters quickly , that shee may loose her maiden-head likewise . And now she is layd . CHARAC. XVII . My Mistresse IS my perspectiue glasse , through which I view the worlds vanity : she hath fiue seruants beside my selfe : and me ( that I may stil continue dutifull ) she suffers to be before hand with my wages : But I that know her coyne is counterfeit , suspect shee is a witch , and charmes the taker , or it would not else be so currant : The truth is , I first began to look vpon her , because she said she loved a Poet well , and was in part a Poetresse : for which good qualitie I might haue loved her likewise ; but she was onely good at long Hexameters , or a long and a short , even for variety sake ; which came so full vpon Ouids amorous veine , that I despised her meaning . She had her education vnder a great Countesse ; and if she could leaue the courtship she learnt when she was a waiter , she might quickly proue a reasonable good woman . Her body is ( I presume ) of Gods making ; and yet I cannot tell , for many parts therof she made herselfe . Her head is in effect her whole body and attire : for from thence , and the devises there ingendred , proceeds her blushing modesty , her innocent white teeth , her gawdy gownes , her powdred haire , her yellow bands , her farthingals , and false Diamonds . All these together , and a quicke fansie commend her function : for Fidlers and Painters be full of Crotchets . I haue heard her also wish for new hands : but those she hath , will serue conveniently among them that know her properties : you need not make the question whether she can sing ; for visitation will teach you , that she can scarce leaue singing . And as for dauncing , she will aske the question of you . She hath the tricke of courtship , not to bee spoken with ; to take Physicke , and to let her mountebancke bee the best ingredient . Her wit is Dainty , because seldome : and whatsoever is wanting in the present delicacie of conceit , shee makes good by rehearsall of stolne wittie answeres , even to the seventh addition . She purposes to travell shortly , when as her voyage will onely returne with some French commoditie ; and shee will rather fetch it , though shee may be furnished at home , because shee loues the cheapest ware , and the outlandish fashion . Her generositie extends thus farre ; to bestow loue , and looke for neither thankes nor requital ; because a Marmoset and little Dogge bee ignorant of both . These excepted , she never loved truely . Her morall vertues be a subtill thrift , and a thriving simplicitie . But whilst she makes the best construction of a matter , she would make likewise a thousand pound Ioyncture of her behaviour onely , and Court-carriage . This bargaine is open for any man , who thinks not the peny-worth doubtfull . Her best Religion is to teach a Parret the Lords prayer ; but the ten Commandements be a new matter : so that Petitions be more plausible with her , then Iniunctions : at her owne request therefore I giue this to her looking-glasse . CHARAC. XVIII . A Gossip IS a windie Instrument ; a paire of hellowes , or indeed two : For without her fellow , she is nothing . These labour ioyntly as at an Alchymists furnace , onely to beget vapours : she receiues and sends backe breath with advantage ; that is her function . Her end is to kindle ; that is , to warm , or burne : she can do both . And being quiet , or not in contention , shee is without her calling ; that is , her company . Her knowledge is her speech ; the motiue , her tongue ; and the reason her tongue also : but the subiect of her eloquence is the neighbours wife , and her husband ; or the neighbours wife and husband both . Shee is the mirth of marriages , and publicke meetings : but her naturall season comes in with a minc'd pye , at Christmas ; when all may attend with leasure . Shee carries her bladder in her braine , that is full ; her braine in her tongues end , that shee empties . It was washed down thither with pints of Muscadine ; and being there , shee looses it like vrine , ( but in publicke ) to ease her kidneyes : which would otherwise melt with anger , because she cannot be heard ; or consume with malice , because she was prevented . Being once a servant , shee then learnt to runne , or goe apace ; that she might tarry and take , or giue intelligence by the way . Shee aemulates a Lawyer in riding the circuite , and therefore she keepes a circuit in , or out of her own liberties : striuing to be both one of the Iudges , Iury and false witnesses : that is her freedome onely , to censure . Shee contemplates within , that she may practise abroad ; that makes her reveale secrets . Her meaning is colour , that shee dawbes on every Fable ; but in her selfe abhorres it . Her truth is , to make truths and tales convertibles : tales be her substance , her conceit , her vengeance , reconcilements , and discourse . To talke of Cookerie , or cleanlinesse , and to taxe others , is her best and onely commendation . To talke of what she is ignorant , yeelds her credit and presumption ; to taxe , giues a tribute to her owne praise by implication ; and begets her Empire . Her lungs be everlasting : she cannot bee short winded : if those would perish , she might bee recovered . Shee is alike dangerous with the Poxe , to the town where she inhabites : and being pledged , or admitted among the fem●les , she infects more easily . If she railes against whoredome , it favours not of devotion ; for she is onely married , to escape the like scandall ; from the doore outward . The buriall of a second husband giues her the title of experience ; but when shee hath out-lived three , she takes authoritie and experience both ( as a Souldier that hath passed the pikes of three set battailes ) for granted . Her commendable antiquitie reaches not aboue fiftie ; for growing old , she growes odious to her selfe first : And to prevent the losse of company ; ( having lived vainly ) she commences hostesse : that alone preserues her humour . A mungrill print would best expresse her Character : for she is indeed a mungrell woman , or the worst part of both sexes , bound vp in one volume : seing she corrupts the best by the vse of them . CHARAC. XIX . An old Woman IS one that hath seene the day : and is commonly ten yeares yonger , or ten years elder by her own confession , then the people know she is : if she desires to be youthfull accounted , you may call her Mistres , Widow , or the like ; but otherwise old Mother , grandame , and such names that do seale antiquitie : the first she takes well , if childlesse : the last never well , but when shee can speake wonders to grand-children of the third generation . If they please her , she hath old Harry soueraignes , that saw no sun in fiftie yeares , to giue away on her death-bed . She loues the vpper end of the table , and professes much skill in Cookery : she thinks it also some felicitie to giue attendance about sicke persons : but is the cōmon foe to all Physitians . In agues , aches , coughes and tissickes , she confidently will vndertake to cure by prescription : if her selfe be vntainted . As for diseases which she knowes not , shee dares proceed to Dragon-water , Holy Thistles , Worme-wood-drinkes , and Clister s , without the helpe of Galen , or Hippocrates : if she blushes at the Sunnes rising , her colour changes not till bed-time : and somtimes though she drinkes downe her break-fast , by dinner time her teeth be grown , & she wil seeme to chew the cud . She may as safely walke amongst contagious Lepers , as into the kitchin , and smels infection , or perfume with the same nostrill . She hath perpetually the pride of being too cleanly , or the adherent vice of being too sluttish . She affects behaviour in the brood of youth , and will divulge her secrets of superstition to any that will be attentiue . Envy is to her a iust parable twinne , and though it be offensiue commonly to few , yet doth it oftentimes consume her selfe , and starue away her memory . CHARAC. XX. A Witch IS the Diuels Hostesse : he takes house-roome and dyet of her ; and yet she paies the reckoning : guilty thoughts , and a particular malice of some one person , makes her conceiue detestation of all : her policy of sequestration , to avoid iealousie of neighbours , detects her envious spirit : for the melancholy darknesse of her low cottage is a maine coniecture of infernals : her name alone ( being once mounted ) makes discourse enough for the whole parish : if not for all hamlets within sixe miles of the market . She receiues wages in her owne coine : for she becomes as well the obiect of every mans malice , as the fountaine of malice towards every man. The torments therefore of hot Iron , and mercilesse scratching nails , be long thought vpon , and much threatned ( by the females ) before attempted . Meane time shee tolerates defiance through the wrathfull spittle of matrons , in stead of fuell , or maintenance to her damnable intentions : she is therefore the ignorant cause of many Witches besides her selfe : for ceremonious avoidāce brings the true title to many , although they hartily scorne the name of Witches . Her actions may wel seeme to betray her high birth and pedigree : for she doth quickly apprehend a wrong before it be mentioned : and ( like a great family ) takes no satisfaction which doth not infinitely countervaile the abuse : children therefore cannot smile vpon her without the hazard of a perpetuall wry-mouth : a very Noble-mans request may be denied more safely then her petitions for small Beere : and a great Ladies , or Queenes name may be lesse doubtfully derided . Her prayers and Amen , be a charme & a curse : her contemplations and soules-delight be other mens mischiefe : her portion and suters be her soule , and a succubus : her highest adorations be Yew-trees , dampish Church-yards , & a faire Moone-light : her best preservatiues be odde numbers , and mightie Tetragrammaton : these provocatiues to her lust with Divels , breedes her contempt of Man ; whilst she ( like one sprung from the Antipodes ) enioyes her best noone about midnight : and ( to make the comparison hold ) is troden vnder foot by a publicke & general hatred : she is nothing , if not a Pythagorean ; for she maintaines the transmigration of spirits : these doe vphold the market of bargain & sale among them ; which affoords all sorts of cattell at a cheaper rate then Bankes his horse , and better instructed : but ( like a prodigall ) she is out-reached , by thinking earnest is a payment ; because the day is protracted . Her affections be besotted in affectation of her science ; Shee would not else delight in Toades , Mice , or spinning Cats without diuersity : It is probable she was begotten by some Mounte-bank , or Wording Poet , for she consists of as many fearefull sounds without s●ience , and vtters them to as many delusiue purposes : Shee is a cunning Statuary : and frames many idols : these she doth worship no otherwise then with greedy scorne : and yet she is a deepe Idolater : implication is enough with her , to bespeake any mans picture , without his entreaty : for if it appeares that he can prouoke her , it implyes likewise that he desires to be remembred by her ; and images be a certaine memoriall . Shee seldome liues long enough to attaine the Mysterie of Oyntments , herbs , charmes , or Incantations perfectly : for age is most incident to this corruption , and destiny preuents her . But howsoeuer she be past child-bearing , yet she giues sucke till the latest minute of fiue-score and vpwards . If she out-liues hempe , a wooden halter is strong enough : vnlesse she saues a labour . CHARACT . XXI . A Pandar IS the scab of a Common-wealth : surfets raise him to a blister ; necessity , and want of good Surgeons , make him a mattery sore ; whilst Time and Tobacco brings him to a dry scale . He is commonly the vpshot of a yonger brother , who lackes Honestie and Inheritance ; or the remainder of a prodigall , who hath lost them and himselfe . His Etymologie is Pawne-dare : which intimates ; hee dares pawne his soule to damnation , or his stolne parcels to the Brokers . Bawdy songs and he came both in together ; for he is no generous companion except he can sing , and also compose stinking Ditties . He hath bene a great hunter vp and downe in his daies , and therefore ( it is no wonder ) if towards a decay he become Warrener . He is the deuils Country-man or indeed acquaintance : therefore in the deuils absence hee proues his Deputy ; and welcomes customers with fire-workes : a pipe of Tobacco , and a hot Queane . His Vsher-like attendance on Publike whores hath made Coaches frequent ; to distinguish them and Priuate Ones . His valour is expressed in blacke patches ( much about Roaring Boyes humour ) but playsters , which expresse him more ventrous , hee conceales . He wishes to be the first teacher of a Nouice : and ( being so admitted his Tutor ) hee first teaches him to beware of adultery and theft , by making him guilty before he hath offended : with which two vices hee doth first accuse him , because himselfe is best acquainted with those two . If he be married , hee hath diuorced himselfe , because his wife was honest , & so meanes to continue : or ( beeing dishonest ) because shee was odiously deformed , not worthy to entice others . His Creed is a matter of three Articles , and them he beleeues actually : First , that there is no God : secondly , that all women , and more especially that all Citizens wiues , bee , or would bee , common , or peculiar whores : & lastly , that all things are lawfull , which can escape the Lawes danger : good examples therefore preuaile with him , as showers among the stones : they make him more studious to deceiue passengers : not to produce imitation in him , nor to beget fertility in them . His Fellowships be retired , and within dores : for being abroad , he is a sober lumpe of villany ; delighting vnsociably ( like a Cut-purse , and for the same reason ) rather in multitudes then ciuill numbers . The Bawd and Hee , are chiefe confederates : with whom ( together , as occasion happens ) the Constable hath standing wages to be an assistant ; euery way as * dangerous as the other two . Bowling-allies , Dicing-houses , and Tobacco shopes , be the Temples , which Hee , and his Fraternity of Rorers , haue erected to Mercury and Fortune : In the two first he doth acknowledge their Deity ; in the last hee offers smoking incense to them both ; in recompence of booty gotten by Chance and cheating . If the Gallowes be disappointed of his destiny , they can blame nothing but his tender bones , which could not brooke so long a iourney ; or a whores quarrell , whilst Wine was his Leader . FINIS . Notes, typically marginal, from the original text Notes for div A12956-e2350 Pliny . A●l●anus . Philo●tr● . Nihil dat quod non babet , ergo non babet : nam Si babuisset daret . His pollicies are not his owne : for he would then impart them haereditarily to his Issue . 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 * This poli●y ●n●rap●● 〈…〉 it ●hew 〈…〉 and so in 〈◊〉 easily preuented . Gellius . Gesar . Plutarch . Theophrastus . * Aristotle . * Sorrow may bee ●dmitted in behalfe of p●blic ▪ calamitie● which can not bee s● well tearmed Discontents . * Plato . Gilen . Cicero . D. Thom. * Aristotle . Notes for div A12956-e13350 * na●●r ●●ntendit op●●mum . Notes for div A12956-e15730 Liuing lice . * That which aagrees with a couetous mans gain , agrees with his conscience ; therfore what goes against his profit , goes against his conscience * Hee being ready to disturbe or not disturbe their customers , as they shall instruct him .