Whimzies: or, a nevv cast of characters Brathwaite, Richard, 1588?-1673. 1631 Approx. 221 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 140 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2003-07 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A16687 STC 3591 ESTC S106313 99842031 99842031 6654 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A16687) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 6654) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1475-1640 ; 1021:02) Whimzies: or, a nevv cast of characters Brathwaite, Richard, 1588?-1673. [26], 175, 178-211, [5], 34, [12] p. Printed by F[elix] K[ingston] and are to be sold by Ambrose Rithirdon at the signe of the Bulls-head in Pauls Church-yard, London : 1631. By Richard Brathwait. Printer's name from STC. The first two leaves and the last leaf are blank. The title page is a cancel with a conjugate blank leaf. Variant: with cancellandum title page, with "sold by R. B[ostock?]." in imprint; [20] p. of preliminaries. "A cater-character, throwne out of a boxe by an experienc'd gamester" has separate pagination, and dated title page with "sold by R.B." in the imprint; register is continuous. Variant: imprint has "sold by A.R.". Includes index. Reproduction of the original in the Henry E. Huntington Library and Art Gallery. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. 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Nova , non nota delectant . LONDON , Printed by F. K. and are to be sold by Ambrose Rithirdon at the signe of the Bulls-head in Pauls Church-yard . 1631. TO HIS MVCH HONORED FRIEND , Sir Alexander Radcliffe , the accomplishment of his noblest Wishes . SIR , SOme have I heard affirme , ( but more tarily , I hope , then truly ) that to bee a Knight and a Scholler , was the Mirror of Knighthood : howsoever the Tenet hold , sure I am , that you are this Mirror . Being as you are ennobled by des●…ent , so enabled by desert ; a patron to the le●…rned professant , and in all le●…ing a ●…ich proficient . This i●… was , and this onely , which first induc'd me , contrarie to that native di●…position everbred in me , so freely to tender my selfe to the knowledge of you ; and which hath ever since stamped in mee so deepe an impression of you . Let others affect your Title , while I live to honour your selfe . The generous and free goodnesse of your minde , is my object , than which it is not possible to treate of a more attractive subject . This is to bee incomparably valued above any outward good . Let this serve for the prelude , not to delude you , for you are wiser ; but to expresse my selfe really unto you , whose noble s●…ccesse I doe intimately tender . You may bee pleased to remember that at my last entercourse with you , it was my promise upon a precedent purpose to addresse some small memoriall to publike view under your Name , in lieu of those many respects which I beare you . Which promises , I must ingenuously conf●…sse , ( as in this kinde , so in all others justly grounded ) it hath beene ever my course religiously to observe . For in comming short of performance in what wee promise , argues either a precipitate rashnesse in the promiser , or inconstancie in his resolves , or forgetfulnesse in what he undertakes . It is recommended unto us by authenticke storie , that it was the usuall observation both of a Roman Emperor , and of an English Monarch , never to promise any thing but what they registred and set downe with their owne hands : which rule requireth imitation even of in●…eriours . An Expression whereof I have here made in the tender of this Alphabeticall gradation of Characters , to your generous & ingenious veiw . Neither ( indeede ) without a preceeding ground of reason did I make choyse of this Subject . For howsoever the argument may seeme much bet : yet in my opinion may it bee much bettered both in style and substance . Many Characters ( I confesse ) have beene published both in former times , when the ignorance of the age could scarcely render the ambiguitie of the word : as likewise in these more refined times of ours , wherein , as in habit and attyre , so in discourses of this nature , nothing but rarities ( bee they never so light ) can afford delight . But to give them their true and native Character , they relished more of Aphorisme . than Character . For to suite them with their approvedst and retentivest title , what else are Characters but stampes or impressures , noting such an especiall place , person , or office ; and leaving such a marke or cognizance upon it , as the conceit may neither taste of too much lightnesse ; nor the cloze of so wittie an observance leave too much bitternesse , nor the whole passage or series incline to too much dulnesse ? Truth is , he that should strive in each particular , either for Style or Subject , to please the various palats of all men , would prove an excellent Taylour to fashion this age ; & might in time make a Coate for the Moone . Strong lines have beene inrequest ; but they grew disrelishing , because they smelled too much of the Lampe and opinionate singularitie . Clinchings likewise were held nimble fl●…shes ; but affect●…tion spoyl'd all , and discovered their levitie . Characterisme holds good concurrence , and runn●…s with the smoothest current in this age ; so it bee not wrapp'd up in too much ambiguitie . Hee writes best , that affects least ; and effects most . For such as labor too intentively to please themselves , they for most part make it their labour to please none but themselves . This hath beene ever my maxime , that singularitie and affectation are Antypodes to Iudgem●…nt and Discre●…ion . Selfe-opinion mak's a mans selfe his owne Minion . He is the true Embleme of Narcissus , and doates more on his owne shadow , then an others substance . But I will not looke too much on these Glo-wormes ; they are soiles to the purest paper : leaving their spongie Labours to the worst of censure . For these few digested papers , ( wherein you shall too highly prize mee , if at vacant and retyred houres you daigne onely to peruse mee ) I dare confidently avouch , you shall finde me to have preferred the pi●…h before the rinde , and caused the Maid to attend upon her Mistrisse . My provision was how to furnish the maine building : for other ornaments or imbellishments of art , they tendered themselves ; they were not much sought after . Now it resteth that this Character or token ( for so the word may import ) of my true zeale , unto your Noble selfe , retaine that impression in you , which he retaines that honours you . These are more lasting memorialls than materiall jewels , and to the judicious more imcomparably pretious . The richest Cabinet is the minde ; the treasures thereof purer than the Oare of any Mine . which when wee communicate to our friend , wee make him really ours , wee enfeoffe him in ours ; yea , wee incorporate him in us , and make him individually ours . So may we ever bee , till I surcease to bee Clitus-Alexandrinus . To the equall Reader . CHaracters in this age , may be properly resembled to Squibbs or Crackers ; they give a Cracke and a Flash , and so dye : Or to passing faire faces , but ill-fauoured ; at which the more we looke , the 〈◊〉 we like . Or to raw and ill-drest meat , which procures in the longing appetite a loathing ; being to be egested long before it come to bee digested , Or to the growth of Mushrom's , who no sooner florish than perish : Or to the first flourishes of trees , whose bloomes and blossomes are so tende●… , as they cannot repell the violent distemper of any Weather . Thus ev●…ry post displaies their post●…re . But here be fruits ( Equall Reader , for so I would have thee ) of former setting , deeper rooting and longer promising . If thou beest ignorant , here is an A. B. C. for thee , in this Table Alphabeticall . If solid , here are plenty of passages , moving and materiall . What is wanting then but thy equall acceptance ? In confidence whereof , CLITVS will retire , to call forth this Iury , which consists of foure and twenty ; but neither so good men nor true as the State would have them . WHIMZIES : OR , A NEW CAST OF CHARACTERS . 1. An Almanack-maker IS an annuall Author , no lesse constant in his M●…thod then ma●…r ; enlarging his yeerely Edition with a figure or cipher . He cites as familiarly , as if they were his familiars , Euclid , Ptolomi●… , Ticho-Brache , &c. But ▪ beleeve it , many have spoke of Robin Hood , that never shot in his bow . Hee scrapes acquaintance of a fortu●…ate gentleman , one 〈◊〉 , whom he erron●…ously takes for brother of that feigned knight Parismus ; whose name hee interprets to bee , Bo●…i ominis captatio , whereof he himselfe for his part , was never capable . Horizons , Hemisphear●…s , Horoscopes , Apogaeum's , Hypogaeum's , Perigaeum's , Astrolabes , Cycles , Epicycles are his usuall dialect ; yet I am pe●…swaded they may bee something to eate , for ought he knowes . His frequent repetition of Mazzaroth , 〈◊〉 , Orion , and the Pleiades ▪ proclaime him highly versed in the astrologicall 〈◊〉 of Io●… , whom he resembles in a Paralell line of Poverty , rather than patience . Hee ha's the true situation and just proportion of the p●…incipall Angles or houses of the Heaven or Firmament : yet can hardly pay house rent for his ow●…e . Forty shillings is his yeerely pension upon every impression : but his vailes are meaner , unlesse he have the Art for stolen goods to cast a figure : wherein , trust me , hee h●…'s a prety smattering . He walks in the Clouds , and prates as familiarly of the in●…luence of the Moone , as if h●…e had b●…ene the man that was in her . Hee would make you beleeve he●… had a smacke of Poetry , by the verses which hee ●…ixeth above every moneth , but doe not credit him , hee is guiltlesse of that art : onely some stolen shreads he hath ●…aked out from the kenn●…ll of other Authors , which most 〈◊〉 hee assumes to himselfe , and makes an additament to his Labours . Whole Summer nights long hee lyes on his backe , as if hee were melldew'd or Planet-strucke , gazing on the starrie gallerie : and would make you believe that hee knew the names and markes of all the Oxen that draw Charles waine . Hee talkes much of the 12. Signes , yet I am confident , that one might perswade him that the Cardinals hat , or Sarazens head were one of them . He keeps a terrible quarter with his Iacobs staffe , which he conjectures was first found at Iacobs Well ; as his erring Erra pater informes him : for other Cabals hee disclaimes them . The Memorable work of co●…veying the N●…w River from Ware to London ▪ was the issue of his braine , if you may believe him : yea , he will tell you , the state is much engaged to his notions . He ha'●… some small scruple of Physitian in him , and can most Empyrically discourse of the s●…ate of your Body : but had he st●…re of Patients , hee would slaughter more than a Pest●…lence . He ha's a little judgement in your Chris●… : and which is best season for 〈◊〉 : yet hee knowes not , whether Phlebotomie bee a man or a woman . Not a high-w●…y m●…n in Europe can direct you better in the Roade : all which he ha's by instira●…ion , for he scarce ever 〈◊〉 out of smoke o'●…h Citie . He ha's excellent observations for planting , plo●…ng , setting , sowing ▪ with other ●…xperimentall rule●… of 〈◊〉 , yet never was Master of ●… Plough in all his ti●…e . Ce●…taine ( but most 〈◊〉 ) g●…erall Notions hee 〈◊〉 of t●…e seas●…ns of weathers , which hee express●…th in such strange and unbaptized language , as like the Delph●…an sword , it may cut either way . About four a clock at night ( saith he ) which may as soone fall out at foure a clocke i' th morning for ought he know's , there will fall some mizling , drizling drops , with some whistling , rustling windes , &c. all which he findes out of the depth of Art. He professeth some skill in palmistry ; wherein trust me , the Gip●…ies do farre out-strippe him : poring on the table of your hand , hee fetcheth a deepe sigh , thinking of his owne unfurnish'd Table at home , than which none can bee barer . And examining the lines of your Table , he alwayes findes his owne to be most ominous . Hee shewes himselfe deeply read in antiquitie , by the artlesse draught of his threed-bare Chronologie ; and imps his illiterate worke , for want of better s●…uffe , with a trite discourse of weights and measures : most ponderously dividing them into Troy and Aver depois : where hee findes his owne gold still too light by many graines for either scale . His Cage ( or Studie if you please ) is hung about with Moath-eaten Mappes , Orbes , Globes , Perspectives ; with which hee can worke wonders . His shelves for want of authors , are subully inter-woven with Spiders Ca●…les , which hee makes the stupid vulgar beleeve , are pure Elixirs extracted from the influence of the Moone . It is the height of his ambition to aspire to the credit of a Blanke Almanack . ; upon which election hee holds himselfe a 〈◊〉 Author . If famous , he seldome dies ; for some ●…iour Artist will assume to himselfe his name . But if he die , an other Phoenix-like , will bee forth with raked out of his ashes . His death makes him in this infinitely happy ; It is not b●…tter to him in respect of his su●…stance : And in this onely hee expresseth hi●…e a Scholer ; He d●…es poore . In a word , this may be his comfort , he leaves his kindred in a settled and composed peace : for they neede not fall by the eares together for his goods . That which he long discoursed of but understood not ( I meane his Clymactericall yeare ) ha's now attach'd hi●… : And so ends his perpetuall A●…nack . 2. A Ballad-monger IS the ignominious ni●…kname of a penu●…ious poet of ●…hom he partakes in no●…g but in povertie . His straine ( in my opinion ) would sort best with a ●…unerall Elegie , for hee writes most pittifully . Hee ha's a singular gift of imagination , for hee can descant on a mans exec●… long before his confession . Nor comes his Invention farre short of his Imagination ; for want of truer r●…lations , for a neede he can finde you out a Sussex Dragon , some Sea or Inland monster , drawne out by some Shoelane man in a Go●…nlike feature , to enforce more horror in the beholder . Hee ha's an excellent facultie in this ; Hee ha's one tune in store that will indifferently serve for any ditty . H●… 〈◊〉 your onely man in request ●…or Christmas Carols . His workes are lasting-pasted monuments u●…on the insides of Country Ale-houses , w●… they may 〈◊〉 without expence of a fa●…ing : which makes their thirstie Author crie out in this manner , if he have so much Latin : Quò licuit chartis , nō licet ire mihi . He stands much upon Stanza's , which halt and hobble as l●…mely as th●…t one legg'd Ca●…tor that sings them : It would doe a mans heart good to see how twinne-like hee and his songman couple . Wits of equal size , though more holding vailes befall the voyce . Now you shall see them ( if both their stockes aspire to that strength ) droppe into some blinde Alehouse , where these two naked Uirginians will call for a great potte , a toast , and a pipe . Where you may imagine the first and last to be only called for out of an humour ; but the midst out of meere necessitie , to allay hunger . Yet to see how they will hug , hooke , and shrugge over these materials in a Chimney corner ( O Polyhymnia ) it would make the Muses wonder ! But now they are parted : and Ste●…tor ha's fitted his Batillus with a Subject : wheron hee vowes to bestow better Lines than ever stucke in the Garland of good will. By this time with botches and old ends , this BalladBard ha's expressed the Quintessence of his Genius , extracted from the muddie spirit of Bottle-Ale and froth . But all is one for that ; his ' rinkilo must have it , if he wil●… come to his price , yet before hee have it , it must suffer the Presse . By this , N●…ck Ballad ha's got him a Quarterne of this new Impression ; with which hee mounts Holborne as merry as a Carter ; and takes his stand against some eminent Bay-win●…ow ; where he ven●…s his stuffe . Hee needs not dance attendance ; for in a trice you shall see him guarded with a Ianizarie of Cost rmongers , and Countr●…y Gooselings : while his Nipps , I●…s , Bungs and ` Prina●…o's , of whom he hol●…s in fee , oft-times prevent the Lan yer , by diving too deepe into his Clients pocket ; while h●…e gives too deepe attention to this wo●…derfull Bal●…d . B●…t stale Balla●…-newes , like s●…ale fish , when it beginnes to smell of the Pa●…yer , are not for queas●…e stomacks . You must therefore imagine , that by this time they are cashier'd the Cit●…e and mu●… now ride poast for the Countrey : where they are no lesse admir'd than a Gyant in a pageant : till at last they grow so common there too , as every poore Milk maid can chant and chirpe it under h●…r Cow ; which she useth as an harmelesse charme to make her let downe her milke . Now therefore you must suppose our facetious Ballad-monger , as one nectar-infused with some poetical Liquor , re-ascending the horsehoof'd mount , and with a cuppe of sixe ( for his token-pledge will bee taken for no more ) hee presum's to represent unto the world a new conceite , intitled ; A proper new Ball●…d , to the tune of Bragadeery round . Which his Chant●…leere sings with varietie of ayres ( having as you may suppose , an ins●…rumētall Polyphon in the cra●…e of his nose . ) Now he 〈◊〉 a n●…urall Base , then a perpet●…all Treble , and ends with a Countert●…nure . You shall heare him feigne an artfull straine through the Nose , purposely to 〈◊〉 uate into the attention of the purer brother-hood : But all in vaine ; They blush at the 〈◊〉 of this knave , and demurely passing by him , call him the lost childe . Now , for his Author , you must not take him for one of those pregnant criticke Suburbane wits , who make worke for the fidlers of the Citie . For those are more knaves , than fooles , but these quite contrary . In those you shall finde salt , sense , and verse ; but in these none of all three . What then is ●…o bee expected from so sterile a Pernassian , where impudence is his best conductor , Ignorance his best Instructor , and Indigence his best Proctor ? Shall we then close with him thus ? Hee is constant in nothing but in his Clothes . He 〈◊〉 casts his slough but against B●…tholomew Faire : where hee may ●…asually e●…danger the purchase of a cast suite : Else , trust me , hee is no shifter . In a word , ●…et his poo●…e corpes a sheete to s●…rowd them in at his dying , they 〈◊〉 more than his ●…use could ever make him worth while hee was living . 3. A Corranto-coiner . IS a State-Newes-monger ; and his owne Genius is his intelligencer . His Mint goes weekely , and he coines monie by it . Howsoeuer , the more intelligent merchants doe jeere him , the vulgar doe admire him , holding his Novels oracular . And these are usually se●…t for Tokens or 〈◊〉 Curtsies betwixt City and Countrey . Hee hol●…s most constantly o●…e fo●…me or me●…hod of disc●…urse . He ●…etaines some militarie words of art , which hee shoot●…s at randome ; no matt●…r where they h●…t , they cannot wound any . He ever leaves some passages doubtfull , as if they were some more intimate secrecies of state , clozing his sentence abruptly , — With heereafter you shall heare more . Which words , I conceive , he o●…ely useth as baites , to make the appetite of the Reader more eager in his next weeks pursuit for a more satisfying labour . Some generall-erring relations he pick●…s up , as Crummes or fragments , from a frequented Ordinario : Of which shreads he shapes a Cote to fit any credulous foole that will weare it . You sh●…ll never observe him make any reply in places of publike concourse ; hee ingenuously acknowledges hims●…lfe to bee more bounden to the happinesse of a retentive me●…ory , than eyther ability 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 . or pregnancy of conceite . Hee carryes his Table-booke●…ill ●…ill about with him , but dares not pull it out publikely : yet no sooner is the Table drawne , than he turnes Notarie ; by which meanes hee recovers the charge of his ordinarie . Paules is his Walke in Winter ; Moorfi●…lds in Sommer . Where the whole discipline , designes , projects , and exploits of the St●…tes , Netherlands , Poland , Switzer , Crim chan and all , are within the Compasse of one Quadrangle walke most judiciously and punctually discovered . But long he must not walke , lest hee make his N●…wes-presse stand . Thanks to his good invention , he can collect much out of a very little : no matter thou●…h more experienc'd judgements disprove him ; hee is Anonymo●… , & that wil secure h●…m . To make his reports more credible ( or which he and his Stationer onely aymes at ) more vendible , in the relation of every occurrent : he renders you the day of the Moneth ; and to approve himselfe a Scholler , he annexeth these Latine parcells , or parcell-gilt sentences , veteri Stylo , novo Stylo . Palisado's , Parapets , Counterscarfes , Forts , Fortresses , Rampiers , Bulwark's are his usual dialect . Hee writes as if he would doe some mischiefe ; yet the charge of his shot is but paper . Hee will sometimes start i●… his sleepe , as one affrighted with v●…sions ; which I can imp●…te to no other cause but to the terrible skirmishes which h●… discours'd of , in the day time . He ha's now tyed himselfe Apprentice to the trade of minting : and must weekly performe his taske , or ( beside the losse w●…ich accrues to himselfe ) he disappoi●…ts a number of no small fooles , whose discourse , discipline , and discretion is drill'd from his State service . These you shall know by their Mondai's morning Question , a little before Exchange time ; Stationer have you any newes . Which they no sooner purchase than peruse ; and early by next morning ( lest their Countrey friend should bee deprived of the benefit of so rich a prize ) they freely vent the substance of it , with some illustrations , if their understanding can furn sh them that way . He would make you beleeve that hee were knowne to some forraine intelligence , but I hold him the wisest man that hath the least faith to beleeve him . For his relations he stands resolute , whether they become approved or evinced for untruths ; which if they bee , hee ha's contr●…cted with his face never to blush for the matter . Hee holds especiall concurrence with two philosophicall sects , though hee bee ignora●…t of the T●…nets of either : in the collection of his observations he is Pe●…ipateticull , for hee walkes circularly : in the dig●…stion of his relations he is Stoicall , and sits regularly . Hee ha's an Alph●…beticall Table of all the chiefe Commanders , Generals , Leaders , provinciall Townes , Rivers , Ports , Creekes , with other fitting materials to furnish his imaginary building . Whisperings , mu●…trings , & bare suppositions are suffici●…nt grounds for the authoritie of his relat●…ons . It is strange to see with what greedinesse this ayrie Chameleon being all lungs and winde , will swallow a receite of Newes , as i●… it ●…ere physicall : yea , with ●…at frontlesse insinuation he will scrue himselfe i●…to the acquaintance of some knowing Intelligencers , who trying the Cask by his hollow sound , do familiarly g●…ll him . I am of opinion , were all his voluminous centuries of fabulo●…s relations compiled , ●…hey ●…ould vye in number with the 〈◊〉 of many fo●…erunning ages . You shall many ti●…es finde in his 〈◊〉 , Pasquils ▪ & Corranto's miserable di●…ractions ; here a City taken by force , long before it bee besieged ; there a Countrey laid wa●…e before ever the enemie ent●…red . He many times tortures his R●…ader with impertinencies : y●…t are these the tolerablest p●…ssages throughout all his discourse . He is the very Landskip of our age . He is all ayre ; his eare alwayes open to all r●…ports ; which how incredible soever , must passe for currant , and find vent , purpos●…ly to get him currant money , and delude the vulgar . Yet our best comfort is , his Chymera's live not long ; a weeke is the longest in the Citie , and af●…er their arrivall , little longer in the Countrey . Which past , they melt like Butter , or m●…tch a pipe and so Burne . But ind●…ede , most commonly it is the height of their ambition , to aspire to the imployment of stopping mu●…tard-pots , or wrapping up pepper , pouder , s●…aves-aker , &c. which done , they ●…xpire . Now for his habit , Wapping and Longlane will give him his Character . Hee honours nothing with a more indeered observance , nor hugges ought with more intimacie than antiquitie , which hee expresseth even in his 〈◊〉 . I have knowne some love fish best that smell'd of the panyer ; and the like humour reignes in him , for hee loves that apparell best th●…t ha's a taste o●… the Brok●…r . Some have held hi●… for a Scholler , but trust m●…e such are in a palpable errour , for hee never yet understood so much Latine , as to construe Gallob●…lgicus . For his Librarie , ( his owne continuations excepted ) it consists of very few or no Bookes : he holds himselfe highly engaged to his in●… , if it can purchase him victuals , for Authors hee never converseth with them , unlesse they walke in P●…les . For his discourse it is ordinari●… : yet hee will make you a terrible repetition of desperate Commanders , unheard of exployts ; intermixing with all his owne personall service . But this is not in all companies : for his experience hath sufficiently inform'd him in this principle : That as nothing workes more on the simple than things strange and incredibly rare ; so nothing discovers his weaknesse more among the knowing and judicious , than to insist by way of discourse , on reports above conceite . 〈◊〉 th●…se therefore , hee is as mute as a fish . But now imagine his Lampe ( if he be worth one ) to be neer●…ly burnt out ; his inventing Genius , wear●…d and surfoote with raunging over so many unk●…owne Regions ; and himsel●…e wasted with the ●…ruitlesse expence of much paper , resig●…ing his place of weekly Collecti●…ns to an other : whom in hope of some little share , h●…e ha's to his Station●…r recommended , while he lives either poorely respected , or dyes mis●…rably ●…uspended . The rest I end with his owne cloze ; next weeke you sh●…ll heare more . 4 A Decoy IS a brave metall'd Blade , as apt to take as to give . H●…s morni●…g preparative is , What sconce shall we build ? Though he never bare office in the Ward where he lives , he ha's the word of a Constable , and can bid stand . He is a witty Hypocrit ; for sometimes i●… occasion serve , he can play the civill Div●…ll , and cou●…terfeite a demure 〈◊〉 . He will cloze with you in any ●…rgument out of a pregnant-prese●…t conceite : s●… as hee would make one 〈◊〉 he had the Eleme●…ts of all Learning : Bu●… hold him to it , and he will ●…all ●…ff , a●… hee doth in his whole cour●…e ●…rom the practice of goodnesse . To 〈◊〉 his frie●… or rather befriend 〈◊〉 , h●…e will turne true Asi●…n knight , and sweare for you most pragmatically . A more affable or sociable companion the world cannot afford you : for hee will mould himselfe to your humour , be it in the quest of busi●…esse or pleasure : your owne shadow cannot bee more attendant , nor more obsequiously observant . His onely desi●…e is but to know where you lodge ( and for want of his high-road revenewes ) hee will bee your incessant visitant . Having by this wrought o●… your easie temper , and in your bosome purchased him a friendly harbour : Hee pretends occasions abroad ; and complaines his horse is lame , and what injurie the base F●…rrier had done him . This in Civility you cannot chuse but take notice of , especialy to so intimate a friend , who ha's so many times vow'd to engage his person for your honour . By this hee mounts your Palfrey , and makes for the Countrey ; where if he doe not speede himselfe of a fortune by the way ; next friday in Smithfield you s●…all finde your Demilance in the Faire . Whom if you should chance to owne , yet were you never a whit neerer your owne : for your sweete-bosome friend will not sticke to face you and sweare you out of him . Nay , hee will taxe you of impudence and countenanc'd by some of his own Co●…rades , vow revenge for this undigested imputation . Now , i●… your discretion will not bee thus outbrav'd no●… baffelt , hee will shew himselfe tru●… sparke of valour , and encounter you where you will or dare . But set up this for your rest , if you adjorne time , you shall as soone meete with your horse as ●…im . But these a●…e but pe●…ty assayes to other of his master-peeces . By th●…s hee hath taken upon him the title of a great Heire ; which is seconded by the approvement of his 〈◊〉 F●…ye . All Cubs of one Lit●…er , and equally fur●…ished ●…or a cheating Lecture . This some rich Mercer . Milliner , or Taylour , or some other necessary appendice of a gentleman is presently pos●…est of ; who become humble Supplicants for his Custome , and by corrupting the Groome of his Chamb●…r , ( who was corrupt enough already ) purposely cheat●… themselves with expence of some ●…w Crownes . Along goes ou●… De●…oy ▪ as a●… imaginarie H●…ire , well accoutred and attended , towards his 〈◊〉 of Cust●…me . 〈◊〉 , as o●…e borne to more m●…anes than bra●…nes , hee be●…aves himselfe like a very Gandergoose , which strengthens his credu●…ous Creditors gainefull expectance , hoping to make an Essex Calfe of him . But his acquaintance begets a good effect in them , for it ever ends with repentance . But these are but his civill Citie cheats , for want of employment abroad . For howsoever his Name , in its owne proper signification seeme to render him , his profession ha's proclaim'd him an universall 〈◊〉 . Publike faires are his revenewes ; and there is nothing which hee keepes better in heart tha●… their time . He ha's his varietie of Led suites : and can ( if neede require ) counterfeate the habit of Grazier , Gallant , or Citizen all in one day . With which habits he playes the cunning Impostor , and deludes those whose cond●…n hee 〈◊〉 : He had neede bee one of Volpon●…'s true-bred Cubbes that shall smell him out . Private alleyes and by-lanes are his Sanctuaryes in the Citie : but places of publike frequent in the Countrey . H●…e ha's more D●…xes than a Gipsie , which hee makes use of , ei●…her for receiving his purchase , or for informing him of a prey . If at any time hee shall bee accused or attached by some simple Count●…ey Officer : ●…ee affronts him with such biggswolne words of points of reputa●…on ▪ g●…ntile , estimation , detraction , derogation ; as holding all these to be severall Titles of his honour , hee not onely releases him , but most humbly complaining , invites him to a dinner ; lest his too rash attach of a Gentleman of ●…rship , ( for 〈◊〉 his ignorance holds him ) should bring him in danger . Which simplicitie of his our Decoy observes , and workes upon it . Hee must have his reputation salv'd with some 〈◊〉 album , or hee will not sit downe with this disgrace . Which ( to prevent all ensuing harme , taking him bound withall that hee shall stirre up no powerfull friend against him , whereof our cheate pretends a myriad ) this officiall Offall applyes , to cure the ulcer of his impostum'd reputation ; and so they part , a foole and a foist . You shall finde him now and then betting with some of his rooking consorts in Bowl-alleyes ; where if a young Novice come , he stands confident of a purchase . you shall see him presently ( yet with a reserved counterfeit civility ) cloze with him . His owne 〈◊〉 shall not seeme more intimate . But our young Mast●…r still goes by weeping-●…rosse ; He leaves as few Crummes of Comfort in his Purse , as haire on his Chinne , or wit in his Pate . It is above the reach of conceite , to observe him , how understandingly he will converse with a Countrey Farmer , after hee ha's saluted him at the 〈◊〉 doore . His tale is of a Tur●…e , his matter a Mattocke , his plea a Pl●…ugh . But the Catastrophe is a peece of plate , which he ever leaves the Country-man in pledge for . To display him by his garbe , or describe him by his garment , were a taske of some difficultie ▪ hee sorts a●…d suites himselfe purposely to foole the world , i●… such varietie . Sometimes you shall see him n●…ate and b●…ske , and accoutred bravely : next day , like one at Oddes with himselfe , nitty a●… na●…y . Which inde●…d , is his tru●… naturall garbe , that best become him : and may bee best preserv'●… in regard of those uncertaine veils which befall him . Hee may for most part compare with those brave Roman Emperours for the manner of his death ; for hee seldome dyes in his bed . Hee hopes one day to be advanc'd above the residue of his fellowes , which I conjecture must either bee on the Pillorie or the Gallowes : where I leave him . 5. An Exchange ▪ man IS the peremptorie br●…nch of an Intergatorie ; What do 〈◊〉 ? He would make you b●…eve , that hee will furnish you 〈◊〉 ; but such profuse boun●…y 〈◊〉 ●…ot pay Scot and lot ; your mony therefore must be your p●…edge , ●…efore you have his ●…inket . It is a wonder to s●…e what var●…ety of Knick-k●…acks he ha's in so small a Compasse . His quest of i●…quiry is , ●…at is most in request : so as , 〈◊〉 Shoppe co●…sists as much of fa●…n as 〈◊〉 ▪ forme as 〈◊〉 . It would make one muse how ●…ver so many G●…w-gawes should finde vent in a wise state ; And yet the l●…bouring invention of the Braine is ●…ver teeming and produci●…g so●… eye-temp●…g Bab●…e or other , to allure the Ne●…fangle passenger . The hurrii●… of a Coach is as pleasi●…g me●… to 〈◊〉 in his expe●…tance , ●… th●… last sound before a New-play is to an i●…ching audience . W●…en the Simp●…e goe to market , 〈◊〉 the 〈◊〉 get mony . By 〈◊〉 ●…y L●…dy w●…th he●… D●…apred 〈◊〉 ▪ hav●… as many poakes as 〈◊〉 , are mou●…ted the staires ; a●…d 〈◊〉 now th●… long Pe●…patetick gallery ; they a●…e encountred with volleyes of more questions , then they know how to resolve . Gladly would this Salique traine buy all they see , if their revenues would mount to the price . But they must in civill curtsy leave some few Commodities for others . Meane time they buy more then they know how to employ . " That is a prety conceited toy ( sayes my Ladies gentle woman ) I will buy it whatsoever it cost me : which discreete spe●…ch delivered in the hearing of our Exchange-man , it must want no praise , a●…d consequently no p●…ice . H●…e ●…ll usually demand the three 〈◊〉 value for any commod●…ty ; but farre bee it from me to 〈◊〉 him to have the Consce●…ce ●…o ●…ake it if they would give it . It is his onely drift without any other policy to make triall of 〈◊〉 judgement : his equall and conscionable moderation is such ( at least hee will pretend so much ) in these trivial●… subjects of gaine , as hee hates to wo●…ke on any ones weaken●…sse , being the expressivest argum●…nt of mercinarie ●…asenesse . But were all that traffick with him as well-li●…'d in pate as purse , wee should finde many emptie shoops b●…fore the next vacation . By this , a new troope of ruffling pl●…m'd Myrmidons are arrived ; and these will swoope up all before th●…m ; N●…t so much us a 〈◊〉 ty●…e , be it never so ougly , shall es●…ape their encounter . Now out w●…th your lures , baites , and lime-twiggs , my nimble D●…dapper . Your harvest is not all the yeare . See how hee s●…ruggs ; and with what downe-right reverence hee entertaines them ! If oaths , civill complements , demure lookes have any hope to prevaile with raw and vnexperienc'd credulity , he is in a notable thriving way : for he ha's set his Partridg●… al●…eady ; there is no doubt of ●…pringing them till his N●…t be spread over them : By wh●…ch meanes he ha ▪ s a tricke to catch the Old one . S●…lence , and you shall hea●…e his project . The Ancient Matron which strikes the stroake , and directs her young charge in their merchand●…ze , is by this time as firmely retained by ou●… Exchange-man , as ever was Lawyer by his Client . What great matter is it , though it cost him a Muffe , a wrought Wastcoate , or some curious Border ? Hee may pay himselfe in his price : for they are too generous ( so their Direc●…sse approve it ) to stand upon tea●…mes . Let this suffice ; it is a good market , where all are pleased , and so are these . They joy no lesse in his Commodity , than hee in their money . Yet are the Savages , in my opinion , much more to be approved in their Commerce than these . Indeed they exchange pretious stuffe for tri●…es : Bevers and Ermi●…s for knifes , hatchets , kettle-drums and hobby-horses . But this they doe out of their Superfluity ; whereas our nicer D●…mes bestow that upon trifles , which might support a needfull family . But the Age labours of this Epidemicall Error ; too universall therefore is the Crime to admit of Censure . Now you must suppose that Invention is the Exchange-mans most usefull A●…tizan . Therefore , for his better returne , he keepes his weekely Synodall with his Girdler , Perfumer , Tyre-woman and Sempster : who bray their braines in a mortar , to produce some usefull renew , some gainefull issue for their ●…hriving Master . Never was poore ●…ade more troubled with fashions than these are . By this time , 〈◊〉 something invented ; which , wh●…st it is now in his Embrio , re●…ives admittance to his shoppe , and to take the curious passenger , appeares in his full shape . He needs not use any Exchange - 〈◊〉 to set it forward ; Novelties will ve●…d themselves . A vacation is his vexation ; and a Michaelmas tearme the sole hope of his 〈◊〉 . H●… ha's by th●… ti●… , serv'd all offices in hi●… 〈◊〉 ▪ 〈◊〉 now drawes ▪ homeward . 〈◊〉 portion hee had ●…f the World , hee ha's bequeathed to his Executors , Adm●…istrators , and Assignes . The Birds are ●…low 〈◊〉 ; his Customers gone ; It is hig●… time to shut up shop . 6. A Forrester IS a Wood-man ; but by all likelyhood hee shall lose that t●…tle , if hee live to another age ; for there will be little or no Wood left in all his Forrest . Hee proves by his W●…ndfals , it is an ill winde that blowes no man profit . His Commo●…-weale is his Chace , his People Deere . Though his Subjects bee wilde , hee can tame them with a Powder . Though hee make no Porters of them , hee drawes a part of his main●…enance from their 〈◊〉 . ●…he judgement which i●… most requis●…te to a man of his 〈◊〉 , c●…nsists in singling out a go●…d De●…re . Hee is an excellent 〈◊〉 - man , and will serve your warrant daintily , if you Fee him . Hee weares by his side , what hee would not for a world have fixt on his front : though hee have many times deserv'd it , by playing the Rascall Deere , leaving his owne Doe , breaking over his owne Pale , and ranging in anothers Purlew . But for all that she is impaled , when fitly tappised , she may prove one of Swetnams brood , Hee Act●…s bird , if Calysto's egge bee rightly hatched . One would take him for the Living signe of Robin Hood with a Forrest bill in his hand . Hee ha's a warren to turne Co●…e-catcher ; where he erects a place of Ex●…cution for his ver●…in . You would thinke him a co●…templative man by his solitarie Walkes ; and no question b●…t hee might benefit hi●…selfe mu●…h that way ; but his m●…nde stands not so affected . He weares his Mothers Livery , and domineeres like a petty king in his owne Liberty . Hee k●…epes a choyce consort of Musicians ; with which hee is not at so much charge as to the value of a Lut●…-string . Amorous and attractive is his colour , else Semele had never so much affected it in her Iuppiter . His very Habit includes an Emble●…e . Hee attires himselfe to the Colour of the Forrest to deceive his game ; and our Spirituall enemy attyres himselfe in the Colour we most affect and least suspect , to receive his prey . Were he a Scholl●…r , hee might infinitely improve his knowledge by the Objects which hee dayly sees . He i●… as the A●…podes to us ; for our Day is his N●…ght , his Night our Day . He●… is one of L●…tona's se●…vants ; and is so conversant with her , as hee knowes certainely whether the Moone be made of greene chees●… or no. Hee is a proper man of his hands ; but most couragious when hee is impal'd . Yet if his friend come for a peece of flesh , he will not walke that Night , but sl●…pe as soundly as a Constable . But visit any other his Chase , hee will ferret them . He can do miracles with his Line-hound ; who by his good Education ha's more Sophistry than his Master . Hee were a brave man , had hee the World as hee ha's his dogge in a string . For Venison , h●… is generally better provided than the Commander of the game : and give the Blade his dew , hee is no niggard of his flesh : for hee will c●… large tho●…gs out of anothers leather . If his Game thrive not , the cause must bee imputed to a murraine or a stormie Winter ; but his generous , if not m●…rcenary bounty , was the occasion rather . His body proclaimes him apt for any employment , but his breeding hath accommodated him better for a Pale than a Pike , a Chace than a Campe. For discourse , expect no such matter at his hands ; A very small quantitie of reason will su●…fice the Creatures hee converse●…h with . A naturall bluntnesse doth best beseeme him ; for Rhetoricke becomes not the Woods . If wee bee companions to Ostridges , wee shall be sure to savour of the wildernesse . Hee knowes whether the Poets conc●…te of Fa●…nes and S●…lvanes bee true or no ; for th●…y walke in his raunge At Wakes and Maygames hee 〈◊〉 a brave 〈◊〉 : for our wenches of ●…e greene hold him a marvellous proper man. For the rest of our Hobbinols , they retai●…e such an opinion of his valor , they dare scarc●…ly say their sou●…es are their own●… . For his revenew's , be●… they more or lesse , hee makes ●…ven worke at every yeeres end . He ha's no land but Leases ; and th●…se will weare out in time . The 〈◊〉 which ●…ost dignifie him , are these ; he can hallow , give a gibbet , wi●…d a horne ▪ cut up a peece of flesh , and laugh at an ignorant Animal that takes saime between the frontl●…s . When he is to present some ne●…ghbouring Gentleman in his Masters n●…me , with a side or a fouch hee ha's an excellent art in improving his venison to the best ; and in aggravat●…ng the d●…fficulties hee suffered before h●…e could come to his purpose ; And whereto tends all this , but to binde a greater curtesie upon the receiver ▪ and to purchase a better reward for hims●…fe ? For memory , hee may vye with X●…xes ; he knowes all his wilde regiment by head . For religion , hee cannot be justly taxed in his tenets , either of 〈◊〉 or error ; for hee is yet to chuse . The Lawnd is his Templ●… , the bi●…ds his quirresters . His employment for the winter quart●…r is a con●…nuate imposture ; laying Spring●… for Woodcockes , 〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉 , &c. His condition of all 〈◊〉 is most mutable ; his 〈◊〉 Count●…nance variable ; and his place to many overtures ●…vable . It were necessary there●…ore that hee tooke ●…at fees while he is in office ; that he may have something to build on in his vacancie from s●…rvice . But in this particular he is so well cautioned , as his pr●…decessors Lecture hath made him completely armed . If he live till he be old , he incurs th●… th●… ge●…erall fate of an ancient discarded Servingman ; clozing the Evening of his life with contempt or neglect . Those materials or appendices of his place , Horne , Lease and Bill he resignes ( if not pawn'd already ) to his successour ; ●…ho keepes a mig●…ty racket the first q●…arter , but af●…rwards falls off , imitating Endym●…on , his predecessors steppes , in conniving at his friends , and compounding with his 〈◊〉 . The greene L●…very , that Embleme of frailtie , which h●…e wore living , must now bee the Carp●…t t●… cover him dying . Out of all hi●… spacious raunge , he ha's rese●…ved so much ground a●… may afford him a Grave . More hee n●…edes not , and to bee debarr●…d t●…is , even in humanity he can●…ot . What rests then , but that hee rest after his long Walke ? While 〈◊〉 a●…fixe his owne Epitaph upon his owne naked monume●…t , to make his memory more perp●…tuate ; Defessus sum ambulando . Pitty were it then to disquiet him . 7. A Gamester IS a Merch●…t-venturer , for his stocke ru●…nes alwaies upon hazard . H●…e ha's a perp●…tuall Pals●…y in his Elbow ; which never leaves shaking till his fortunes bee shaken . Hee remembers God more in Oaths than Orison●… . And if hee pray at any time , it is not premeditate but extemporall . The summe of his devotion consists not in the expression or conf●…ssion of himselfe like a penitent sinner , but that he may come off at next meeting a competent winner . But where findes hee any such in all our Collect●… ? H●…e so over-braves and abuseth the poore dice , that if they were his equalls , they would , questionlesse , call him to account for 't . The Ordinarie is his Oratorie , where h●…e pr●…yes upon the Countrey-gull to feede himselfe . Hee was a gr●…at Heire , and entred the world full-handed ; but falling to Game purposely to make him more compleate , his Long acre hath past the Alienation offi●…e , and made him a stranger to his fathers Mansion-house : And now hee is fitter for a Gamester than ever hee was ; Let fortune doe her worst , his estate cannot be much worse . In his minority , he plaid ever upon disadvantage ; but Experience hath now sufficiently inform'd him in his maturity ; though his dice seeme square , he seldome playes so . Advantage is his advancement ; wherein if you prevent him and bring him to square , he is ever seconded with sinister fortune . Sundrie prety passages and conveiances h●… ha's in his pockets , sleeves , and other private places ●…or his little familiars ; and these furnish him at a dead lift . You feare ●…gging , and to make sure worke , you bring him a Box ; but all this will not serve your turne ; hee ha's a Bee in a Box to sting you . It is his care to creepe into a good suite of Cloaths ; lest the Ordinarie should barre him by and maine . Which having purchased , by translating and accommodating it to the fashion most i●… request , it seemes quarterly new . Hee feedes well , howsoever hee fare . Hope and feare make his recreation an affliction . Hee ha's no time to refresh his mind , being equally divided betwixt hope of g●…ine , and feare of losse . For his losse of patience , it is so familiar with him , as hee holds it no losse . Money is of too deare and tender an estimate to let it slippe from him , and hee like a Stoicall Stocke to say nothing . T●…llus Hostilius put FEARE and PALENESSE in the number of his gods : and it is pittie ( saith Lactantius ) that ever his gods should goe from him . These two are our Gamsters Furies , which startle him in midst of his Iubilee . Hee is poore , yet miserably covetous ; Envie like Ivie , is ever wreathing about his heart : Others successe is his eye-sore . Hee seldome ha's time to take ayre , unlesse it be to a Play ; where if his pockets will give leave , you shall see him aspire to a Box : or like the ●…ilent Woman , sit demurely upon the stage . Where , at the end of every Act , while the encurtain'd Musique sounds , to give Enter-breath to the Actors , and more grace to their Action , casting his Cloake carelesly on his left shoulder , hee enters into some complementall d●…scourse with one of his ordinarie Gallants . The argument of their learned conference is this ; Where shall we suppe , or how shall we trifle away this night ? Where shall we meete to morrow ; or how bestow our selves ? Hee takes no course how to live , nor knows any way how to thrive but in this high-bet-path of idlenesse . Any other imployment were his torment . It were the wisest part to deale with such lewd and inordinate walkers , time-triflers , standers , sitters in the wayes of idlenesse , and incendiaries to a Civill state , as Philip of Macedon dealt with two of his Subjects , in whom there was little hope of grace , or redemption of time : Hee made one of them runne out of the Countrey , and the other d●…ive him : So his people was rid of both . The longer hee lives , more arguments of his basenesse hee leaves . Whom hee consorts with he depraves , and those that beleeve him hee deceives . It were a strange account that hee would make , if he w●…re call'd to 't ; since his first imitation in this profession . Surely , hee would expresse himselfe a second Marg●…tes , of whom it is said , that h●…e never plowed , nor digged , nor addressed himselfe to ought all his life long that might tend unto goodnesse , being wholly unprofitable to the World. To disswade him then ●…rom this habitu●…te Course of perverted Liberty , might sceme a fruitlesse taske : ●…or ●…eates must be ●…is revenues or he 〈◊〉 . Howbeit to such as are but freshmen , and are not throughly salted with his rudiments , these Caut●…ons will not prove altog●…ther uselesse . This complete Gallant , which you see every way thus accoutred , is master of nothing but what hee weares ; and that in Lavender ere long . Hee is famous in nothing but in being the last of his house . He is onely used by the Master of the Ordinarie , as men use Cumminseede , to replenish their Culverhouse ; his employment is the draught of Customers . Have your ●…yes about you , if you play with him : for want of a L●…underer hee can set your ruffe n●…atly by helpe of a glasse behinde you , or a dammaske pummell to discover your gam●… . This he will do so ●…imbly , as you shall scarce know who hurt you . In a word , bee our you●…g Novices affected to play ? Let them remember Plato's golde●… rule : Parvum est al●…â luder●… , & non parvum est assuescere : It is no great matter to play at dice , but it is a great error to make dice their dayes-taske . Let it be their pastime , not their practice . Let them know further , that Gamest●…rs are but as Rivolets , but the Boxe that maine Ocean into which they descend . By this time you may suppose our cunning Gamester to bee now fallen to his very last stake ; his wit in the waine ; and his fortune in the eb●…e . Hee cannot hold out long , for infamie ha's mark't him for a Cheat ; and the more generous professants have by this discarded him for a Bum-card . Hee is out of Credit with the Ordinarie ; and entertain'd with a scornefull looke by his owne familiars . Hee resolves therefore to turne penitentiarie , now when he ha'●… nought el●…e to doe . Suppose him then walking l●…ke a second Malevolo with a dejected eye , a broad-brim'd hat or'e-pentising his discontented looke , an e●…wreathed arme like a dispassionate Lover , a weake yingling spurre guiltlesse of gold , with a wint●…r suite , which must of necessitie suite him all Summer ; till drawing n●…re some Cookes shop , hee takes occasion to mend his spurre-leather , purposely to a●…lay hi●… hunger with a comfortabl●… savour . Happy were hee , if hee , ●…ho in his time had beene so boun●…ifull to the Gamesters box●… might now receive any benefit or competent rele●…f from the Pooremans boxe : but miserie no so●…ner found him , tha●… pitty left 〈◊〉 : it is high time then for us to l●…ave him . 8. An Hospitall-man IS the 〈◊〉 of a greater work ; b●…ing all that is left of a decay●…d G●…ntleman , a maimed Souldi●…r , or a discarded Servingman . Hee is now ta●…ked to th●…t in his age , which hee was little acquainted with in his youth . Hee must now betake himselfe to prayer a●…d devotion ; remember the Found●…r , Benefactors , H●…ad and members of that ●…amous foundation : all which he performes with as much z●…ale , as as Actor aster the end of a Play , when hee prayes for his Majestie , the Lords of his most honourable pri●…ie Counc●…ll , and all that love the King. He ha's scarce fully ended his Orisons , till hee lookes backe at the Buttry hatch , to see whether it bee open or no. The sorrow hee conceives for his sinnes ha's made him drie : The Proselyte therefore had n●…ede of some refresh●…ent . His gowne and retyred walkes would argue him a S●…holler : but it is not the hood that makes the Monke ; hee can bee no such man unlesse hee have it by inspiration . But admit he were , hee is at the best but a lame Scholler . A great part of a long winter night is past over by him and the rest of his devout Circumcellions in discoursing of what they have beene and seene . While sometimes they fall at variance in the relation and comparison of their actions . But all their differences are soone rinsed downe in Lambs-wooll . Which done , with a friendly and brotherly regreete one of another , as loving members of one soci●…tie , they betake themselv's to their rest . Before the first Cocke at the longest awakes o●…r Hospitall-man ; ●…or aches and crampes will not suffer his sleepes to be long : which is a great motive to make his prayers more frequent . The morning Bell summons him early to his devotions , whereto , howso●…ver his inward man stand affected , his outward is with due reverence addressed . No sooner ha's hee got repast for his soule , than he prepares r●…leefe for his belly . Hee cannot endure to chastise it so lo●…g as he may cherish it . Austeritie he can embrace , so it restraine him neither in his repast nor rest . For other bodily exercises , hee stands indifferent : for hee findes his body unable to use them . To speake of the condition of his life , hee might conceive an high m●…asure of Contemplative sweetnesse in it , if the Sunne of hi●… Soule ( too long e●…clipsed by the interpos●…ion of earth ) could clearely apprehend it . It is stra●…ge to see with what tendernesse he embrace●…h this life , which in all reaso●… should bee rather by h●…m loathed than lov●…d . His head i●… a recep●…acle of Catarrhs , his eyes 〈◊〉 of sluxes and 〈◊〉 , his brest a Conduit of rhumatick●… distillations ; the Sciatica ha's seazed on his hippes , aches and convulsions racke his backe and reines ; in a word , his whole body is a very Magazen of diseases ; and diseases , you k●…ow , are the Suburbs of death . Yet he hopes to put the Hospitall to the charge of another Livery gowne , and a whole yeers Com●…ons ; whence hee seemes to verifie the proverbe : There is none so desperately old , but he hopes to live one yeere longer . Yet for all this , hee ca●… never be 〈◊〉 merry : being injoyned to a taske , which he cannot i●…ure 〈◊〉 to without irksomnesse or 〈◊〉 . For to bring an ●…axter●…o ●…o the exercise of Devotion , is ●…o bring an old Bird to sing pricksong in a Cage . The rules of his house hee observes most punctually ; but for Clancular houres of private prayer and devotion , hee absolu●…ely holds them workes of Supererogation . His Campe is now translated into a Cloister ; yet his zeale as much then as now : for a●… Hospitall-fire , and too liberall 〈◊〉 ha's cool'd his fervor . He conc●…ives as much delight in discoursi●…g ●…t the G●…te , as 〈◊〉 in 〈◊〉 C●…l ; yet h●… demu●…e 〈◊〉 , ag●…d reve●…ence , an●… 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 more 〈◊〉 to 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 expect●…ce . Ho●…ly in 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 hee 〈◊〉 o●…●…is 〈◊〉 , and guides he ha's to waft him to the port of felicitie ; wherein it were to be wished , that as hee is retentive of the one , so he would not bee unmindefull of the other . There is no Provision hee neede take care for , but how to dye , and that he will doe at leasure , when necessity calls him to 't . The world is well changed with him , if he could make right use on 't . In stead of the cold ground for his pallat , Armes and Alarmes , and volleyes of shot ; he may now lie softly , sleepe sweetly , repose safely , and if hee looke well to the regiment of ●…is soule , discampe securely . Feares and Foes he may have within him , but neither Foes nor Feares without him . Armour he ha's aswell as before , and that more complete : this is spirituall , that corporall . Methinks it should not grieve him to remember hee was a man in his time . That condition is the best , which makes him best . Admit he had meanes , yet being a meanes to corrupt his minde , they were better lost than possest . In his Summer Arbour of prosperiti●… hee was d●…sperately sicke , for hee had no sense of his sinne . Sycophants he had to dandle him in the lappe of securitie , and belull him in his sensuall Lethargie . These tame beasts are gone ; These Summer-swallowes flowne ; the fuell of his loose-expended houres consumed ; the veile which kept him from discovery of himselfe , removed . What remaines now , but that hee alien himselfe from the world , seeing what he had in the world is aliened from him ? His soules-tillage is all the husbandry hee neede intend . This neglected , his case is desperate ; This resp●…cted , all is fortunate . Every day then , as his body is nearer E●…rth , let his soule bee nearer Heaven . Hee feedes but a languishing-lingring life , while hee lives here : It is but a ●…abernacle at the best , so long as he is encloistered ; upon his manumission hence , hee is truly enfranchised . While he had meanes , he might leave an estate to his successour ; and so much meanes hee ha's now , as will cause some Hospitall-Brother thanke God for his departure . The thirstie Earth gapes not more greedily for his Corp●…e , than some Beadsm●…n or oth●…r doth for his place . He ha's by this got his pasport ; hee ha's ●…id the World a d●…w , by paying N●…ture ●…r de●… : Dry eyes att●…nd him ; his 〈◊〉 Brothers follow him , a●… bri●…g hi●… to ●…is long home . A shor●… 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 up hi●… 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 ; more state hee needes not , and lesse hee cannot have . 9. A Iayler IS a Surly hoast , who entertaines his Guests with harsh language , and hard usage . Hee will neither allow them what is sufficient for them , nor give them Liberty to seeke an other I●…ne . Hee is the Phy●…itian , and they are his Patients ; to whom hee p●…escribes such a strict die●… , that if they would , they cannot surfet . If at any time they grow irregular , hee allayes their distemper 〈◊〉 cold iron . Hee receives the first fruits o●… the A●…m svasket , and leaves them the 〈◊〉 . He holds nothing more unprofitable to one of his place than 〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉 more dissorting than compassion ; so as it little moves him to see his famish'd family in affliction . His Mency cannot bee more impious than he is imperious : hee domineeres bravely ; beares himselfe towards his ragged regiment bravingly ; and makes himselfe Almner of their poore treasury . Hee is in fee with the Constables of all the Wards to send him Night-walkers to be his Pay-masters . Hee turnes not his key but hee will have his fee of every Inmate . If hee would turne them out , hee deserv'd it better ; but hee both stayes and starves them together . If hee provide any cheere for them , it must be Whipping-cheere . His Ornaments are fetters , boults , and mannacl●…s . These are his Bracelets , yingles , and Caparisous : Thus must his enthralled Crickets live ever in an Iron age . Yet according to a proportionable weight in starling , hee will abate a proportionable weight in Iron . Hee so doubles and redoubles his wards , as one would thinke he had some infinite treasure ; but hee that should seeke for any such within his precincts , should lose his labour . Hee ha's a rough hoarse voice ever menacing fire and faggot : for hee ha's contracted with his tongue never to utter one syllable of comfort : And concludes , that the Iayler in the Acts , was o●… too milde temper to supply the place of a Iayler If his Prisoner have revenew's , and desire to breathe the ayre of liberty ; hee m●…y purchase an artificiall daies freedome and a Keeper to boot , by his bounty . But his Exhibition must be good , otherwise he sleights his quality . For those poore Snakes who feed on reversions , a glimpse through the key-hole , or a light through the Grate , m●…st be all their prospect . He ha'●… many times troubled and broken sleepes ; and starts out a bed , crying , The prison is broken : So incessant are his feares , so impressive his cares . Which to prevent , he redoubles his Wards , reburdens his irons ; and if all this will not doe , but that the fury of feare still dogges him : hee fortifies his thoughts against suspition with strength of liquor . Which 〈◊〉 him as insensible of feare , if occasion were offered , as he was be●…ore app●…ehensive of feare , ere any 〈◊〉 of suspition was ministred . Hence it appeares , that nothing amates him so much as feare of a Prisoners escape . For his ●…innes , they never so much as breake hi●… sleep , trouble his head , or 〈◊〉 his minde . When the Sessions draw neere , how officio●…sly obsequious he is to any o●… his well-lin'd Prisoners ? Now hee must 〈◊〉 how to mince his guilt , and 〈◊〉 his owne gaine . He ha's already comp●…unded with him ●…or the Summe : the project must be 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 his braine . 〈◊〉 , if it hit , hee ha's vow'd to bee ●…runke that night ; but if it ●…il'd , pu●…posely to be reveng'd of himselfe , he will quench his hydropicke thirst with six shillings beare , and so dye of a male-tympanie . If any of his more happy Prisoners be admitted to his Clergy , and by helpe of a compassionate Prompter , hacke out his Necke-verse , hee ha's a cold iron in store if hee be hot , but an hot iron if hee be cold . Where there be many Irons in the fire , some must coole . If his pulse ( I meane his purse ) bee hot , his fist may cry fizze , but want his impression : but if his pulse be cold , the poore beggarly knave must 〈◊〉 his literall expression . Hee heares more ghostly instruction at the Ordinaries funerall Sermon before an Execution , than all the yeare after : Y●…t is his attention as farre distant from that Sermon as Newgate from Tyburne . And yet say not but hee is a most constant friend to his convicted Inmates , for hee seldome ever leaves them till hee see them hang'd . Now some againe will object that hee is a subtile Macchiauel , and loves to walke in the Cloudes , because he never resolves those with whom hee deales , but fils them full of doubts , and in the end ever leaves them in suspence . But this is a badge of his profession , and consequently pleades exemption . Doe you heare yo●… New-gate bird ? How sweetely the pilfring Syren sings ! Well warbled Chuck . The C●…im Tartar with the bunch of keyes at his belt will requite thee . Thou knowest hee expects a masters share , or no release . One Note higher then , as thou hopes for releefe . He ha's Collectors too with basons to improve his rents : which consist of vailes and bribes : but hee is more beholden to the later . It is just contrarie with his Oeconomie and with others ; the greater his theevish family is , the richer is his fare . Hee can doe sometimes very good offices ( if hee please ) by discovery of Cacus cave . But it is not the publike which hee must preferre before his particular : annoint him , and he will come on like an oy●…d glove . Notable intelligence hee receives dayly from his ancient Inmates : who for the good entertainement they have already received , and what they may expect heereafter , pr●…sent him now and then ●…ith a remembrance of their love ; and so they may afford it very good cheape , for it cost them nought . But now what with Surfets , colds , fears , frights . supose him dra●…ing neare his Goale-delivery . Though hee had about him Emblemes of mans life dayly ; though hee saw continuall Objects of humane misery ; though hee encountred with nothing but Specta●…les of infelicity : yet his security imprisoned his understanding , so as hee made no use of them . Hee is now roming , hee knowes not whither ; and must of necessity grapple with that which hee scarce ever thought of before this instant of his departure . Death ha's entred one Ward already ; No churlish affront can possibly amate him ; no humane power repell him . Now hee ha's a poore prisoner within him , that suffers more anguish than ever any sicke Captive did without him . Hee gropes under his head , and hee findes his keyes gone ; he looks inward , and he finds foes many , but friends few or none . Cold are those comforts which are in him ; many those discomforts which enthrall him . Yet two beame-lines of comfort dart upon him in this houre of terrour ; from him he expects succour who received the penitent thiefe , and converted the layler . 10. A Keeper IS an equivocall officer ; for if by a Keeper you intend a raunger or forrester , he is a Wild-man , or a Woodman , as wee have formerly given him his character . If by him you intend a Iayler , hee is an Iron-monger , whose Iron sides will suffer no compassion to enter . If an Alehouse-keeper , his house is the Divels Booth , and himselfe the recetter . If a Keeper of horses at Livery , he is a knave without a Livery ; he will put in your hand a lame Palfrey , who will lay your honour in the dust . If a fi●…ld-Keeper , hee is a Night walker , who though he have store of neare Inmates ever about h●…m , they ever backbite him . Hee imitates the Bellman in his ●…ogge , but wants his bell . If the world doe not bely him , hee will sooner share with a Night-catcher than descry him . If a Doore-keeper a frequent third day at a taking New play , will make this Collector a Colloguer . If a Shop keeper , deepe oathes , darke shoppes , base wares , false weights have al●…eady proclaim'd him a civill cunning Impostor . If a Booke-keeper , he may get him frien●…s , if his Master bee not all the wiser ; and improve his owne meanes by change of a figure . But leaving these , give me a good House-keeper , who onely of all these merits a deserving Character . He preserves that relique of Gentry , the honour of hospitality , and will rather fall , than it should faile . He revives the Black Iack , puts beefe in his pot , makes poore passengers pray for him , his followers to sticke neere him , his Countrey to honour him , his friends to love him , his foes to prayse him . Hee wonders how any one should bee so voyde of pitty as to leave his smoaklesse house in the Countrey , where he ha's his meanes , to riot in the Citie , and estrange himselfe to his ●…riends . Hee conceives for what end he was borne , and keepes hi●… dayes-account ●…o discharge the old score . Hee affects nothing so much as discr●…t and well-tempered bounty ; he admits no injurious thought to lodge within him . How it 〈◊〉 him to see a full table ▪ Men to eat●… his meate , 〈◊〉 to feede thos●… m●…n ! Hee 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 so low , as to ac●… 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 w●…th those bas●… 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , who preferre 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 pub●…●…ate , 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 his ●…oy to become a Liberal dispencer , and to releeve the needy with the fattest portion of his trencher . Competence hee holds the best fortune ; and herein hee strives to confine his owne desires . The Sunne of his aymes tends rather to the releefe of others want , than his owne weale ; yea he holds the releefe of their want his supreme weale . The Court seldome takes him , but if it doe , he is never taken by it . Hee hath set up his rest , that the place which gave him first being , with meanes to support that being , shall receive what with conveniencie hee may bestow while hee lives in it ; with some lasting remembrance of his love when hee departs from it . Hee is generally the pooremans friend ▪ and will suffer no oppressor to nes●…le neare him . 〈◊〉 is hee altoge●…her so pre●…ise as to admit of no pl●…asure . Wherefore hee keepes Horses , Hawkes , Hounds , or whatsoever the most free and generous dispositions usually affect : yet shal●… not his recreations so seaze on him , as to fore-slow any usefull Offices in him . Hee divides his day into distinct houres , his houres into devout ta●…kes . His affabilitie ●…ixt with sweetnesse of bounty , his bounty with alacrity , hath so wonne his family , as no earthly state ca●… promise more felicity . It is like a well-rigg'd ship ; every one knowes their peculiar charge or office : their love unto their mast●…r makes it no eye service . His Garner is his C●…untryes Mag●…zin . If a famine threaten that Coast , hi●… provision must bee brought forth , purposely to 〈◊〉 downe the Market . His heart bleeds to see a famish'd soule languish ; he will therefore by timely releefe succour him lest hee per●…h . Hee sets not his aymes on purchasing : it contents him well to preserve what his Ancestors l●… him . Hee makes even with the World , as hee would with his owne Soule . One principall care counterpoizeth the rest : yea , the more s●…riously to addresse himselfe to this o●…ely one , h●… disvalues all the rest . Neither is there o●…ght which conferres more true glorie on these deserving actions , than his disesteeme of worl●…ly praise or popular applause . Hee shuts his ea●…e when he heares himselfe approv'd , and rejoyces most within him●…elfe when his deservingest actions are least observed . The Begger or distressed Traveller , hee holds to be his most 〈◊〉 benefactors , rather than he theirs . He●… holds it better to give than ta●…e ▪ wherefore he acknowledges himselfe their debtor , who petition his almes in this nature . Knocke at his gate , and you shall finde it not surely but civilly guarded ; e●…ter his Court , and you shall see the poore and needy charitably rewarded ; Ascend up higher and steppe into his Hall , and you shall read this posie in Capitall Letters inscribed ; A PILGRIMES SOLACE IS A CHRISTIANS OFFICE . Suppose Christmas now approaching , the ever-green Ivie trimming and adorning the portalls and partcloses of so frequented a building ; the usuall Carolls , to observe antiquitie , cheerefully sounding ; and that which is the complement of his inferiour comforts , his Neighbours whom he tenders as members of his owne family , joyne with him in this Consort of mirth and melody . Bu●… see ! T●…e poore mans comfort is now declining with the old yeare ; which fi●…ls their eyes as full of water , as he is of sicknesse through infirmitie of nature . This Mirror of hospitality now breathes sh●…rt ; it is to be ●…eared he will breath his last . He may leave an Heire to inherit his meanes , but never his minde . Well , funerall blacks are now to bee worne aswell inward as outward ; his Sonne mournes least , though hee bee at most cost . It is thought erelong , he will mourne in Scarlet , for vanitie ha's seaz'd on him already , and got him to forsake his Countrey , and forsweare Hospitalitie . 11. A Launderer IS a Linnen Barber , and a meere Sa●…urnine ; for you shall ever fi●…de her in the Sudds . Vsed shee Clipping asmuch as washing , sh●…e were an egregious Counterfeite , and might quickly come within compasse of the Statute . Shee is an Epicene , and of the doubtfull g●…nder : for a L●…nderer may bee asw●…ll a Male as a Female , by course of nature . But for her , there woul●… be no ●…hifter ; with whom qu●…rterly shee becomes a Sharer . Shee is in principall request with Collegiat Vnderbutlers , Pu●…ie Clarks in Innes of Cha●…y , with other officers of inferiour qu●…litie ; unlesse higher gra●…uates will deigne to shew her their humility , In Progresse time ( being f●…llen into Contempt ) shee followes the Court ; and consorts familiarly with the Black-guard . B●…t shee scornes the motion ( I meane to be so poorely employed ) during the flourishing Spring of her youth : for shee ha's good vailes , b●…sides her standing wages : and now and then gets good bits which neither the Principall nor Seniours know of . Her young Masters , whom shee serves with all diligence , neede no Cocke but her : shee 'll come to their Chambers , and wake them early ; and if they have the Spirit to rise , may at their pleasure use her helpe to make them ready . Shee is a notable witty , ta●…ing Titmouse ; and can make twentie sleevelesse ar●… in hope of a good turne . By her frequent recourse and familiar concourse with professours of Law , she knowes by this how to put a Case : and amongst her ignorant Neighbours can argue it when she ha's done . In some ByAlley is her dwelling generally : where she keepes a quarter , as if shee were She-Constable of the Ward . If shee demeane herselfe wisely , and pretend onely a car●… of preserving her honesty , shee may come in time to some unexpected advancement . But truth is ( as it fares commonly with the easiest and tractablest natures ) she is of that yeelding temper as she cannot endure to bee long woo'd b●…fore shee bee wonne . Her Fort may be sackt by paper pellets of promises and assumpsits , if shee be credulous ; or by silver shot of plates and p●…eces , if shee be covetous . Whence it is , that in very short time , the dropping fruite of this Launderer , becomes like a Medlar ; no sooner ripe than rotten ; yea many times rotten before it b●…e ripe . Now for the Stocke which should support her trade : a very little will set her up , and f●…rre lesse will bring her downe . She will finde friends , if her parts be thereafter . Neither shall shee neede much curiositie in her 〈◊〉 : onely she must indent with h●…r brest to bee secret , with her 〈◊〉 to bee silent , and with her 〈◊〉 to bee constant . Shee must not tell what shee sees ; dictate on what shee heares ; nor blush at what she enjoyes . Shee must bee modestly seeming strange , where shee most affects , a●…d relish nothing more than what shee inwardly rejects . To salve the credit of the Punie Clerk her young-Master , she turnes honest woman , and matcheth herselfe to the Houses Botcher . The necessitie of the time is such , as these hopefull Nuptialls must not stay for a Licence , admit they could purchase it . Delay breedes danger ; and so pregnant the wench is growne , as shee doubts lest before she be honoured with the style of Bride , shee become a Mother . But her long experience in law-quirks hath sufficiently inform'd her ; a Childe borne within marriage is freed from bastardy , and may inherit all their hereditarie lands , if they had a●…y . She by this ha's aspi●…'d to the purchase of a gowne and a f●…lt : so as shee now wives it , as if shee were Head-Marsh●…ls wife of the Ward . She ha's got a neate guilded book too , to make her Neighbours conceite her to bee a Scholler : but happy were shee if shee were as guiltlesse of lightn●…sse as of learning : for the Cover , shee may handle it , and upon alledging of a text of Scripture tosse it , but for the C●…nt ●…ts , as she knowes them not , so she greatly cares not . She now scornes to be so meanly imployed in her owne person , as she ha's formerly beene ; she ha's got her therefore a brace of VnderLa●…ndresses to supply her place , performe her charge , and goe through-stitch with her trade . The sweate is theirs ; but the sweete is hers . These must be accomptants weekely of their commings in ; and returne a just particular of all such vailes , profits , or emoluments , as usually or accidentally have any way accrued . Shee now stands upon her pantofles forsooth ; and will not wet her hand , lest shee spoyle the graine of her skinne : Mistris Ioan ha's quite forgot that shee was once Iugge . Yet shee keepes ●…ome ancient records of her former youthfull profession . When a Horse growes old , he loseth the marke in his mouth : but it is not so with her , for shee in her age retaines the marke of the beast in her nose , that is flat . Severall waies she ha's to advance her inconstant meanes in severall places : If her continuance in Court purchase ●…er the least scruple of esteeme , by petitionarie course she labours her preferment : but her request ●…ust not be great , because her repute is but small . Which upon procurement , must suffer many divisions , subdivisions , and subtractions , before she be admitt●…d to a share . If her aboad in the Citie , hath poss●…st her mistress●…s with an opinion of her secrecy : shee is made an usefull agent that way . Nothing ca●… bee too deare for her : shee becomes a gainefull factor , and though she ●…either doe nor suffer , yet receives shee with both hands from agent and patient . If her residence in any incorporate societie hath got her esteeme , her age r●…ceives for her long service a pencionary recompence : meane time exchange of broomes for old shoes , and other vailes of decayed Linnen raise her a maintenance . But like a Barbers-ball , with much rinsing and rubbing shee now growes quite wash'd away . She dyes neither very rich nor contemptibly poore ; neither with much love , no●… great hate . So much she hath reserv'd out of all the labours of her life , as will buy some small portion of diet bread , Comfits , and burnt Claret to welcome in her Neighbours now ●…t her departing , of whose cost they never so freely tasted while she was living . 12 A Metall-man IS nothing lesse than what his name imports . Hee ha's a beetle head , and a leaden heele . The Embleme of him is exprest in the hollow-chamell voyce of that walking Trunkhos'd goblin , any ends of gold or siluer ? The Arch-artist in this Minerall is the Alchymist ; for the rest are all sublunarie unto him , hee onely Mercurie sublimate unto them . His Stoves , Limbecks , and materialls are already provided : his longacres have beene measured out to m●…ke his provisions come in . Hee hold●… himselfe nothing inferiour to Kelley in art , hee onely wisheth but himselfe like fate . Seven yeares are now expired , since his Promethean fire received first light ; & yet the Philosophers stone may be in Sysip●…s pocket , for ought that hee knowes . The●…e is no Artist that ha's more 〈◊〉 than he , upon lesse grounds . Hee doubts not but before the signe enter Aries , hee-shall like another Iason , purchase a golden fl●…ece . It is the highest imployment wherein hee ingageth his most intimate friends , to furnish him with sufficiency of Brasse , Copper , Pewter , &c. Hee will make the state rich enough , if hee have enough to doe withall . By this , hee thinkes hee sees a corner of the Philosophers Stone , yet hee cannot discerne the colour . Hope of profit bereaves him of sleepe ; but the cost of his art deprives him of profit . It is a wonder to observe what rare crotchets and ●…evices hee retains purposely to guli himselfe ! What choyce structures 〈◊〉 intends to erect out of his pure Elixirs ! Yea , so farre deluded is hee with the strength of a transported imagination , as one might easily make him beleeve that the reparation of Pauls was onely reserv'd to be his Master-p●…ece ; and that many of our Duke Humfreys knights expected when he should perfect it . The flourishing Citiewalkes of Moorfields , though delightfull , yet not so pretious or beautifull as he will make them . Those sallow-coloured El●…s , must be turned into yellow-H●…sperian Plants : where every Bankerupt Merchant may plucke a branch at his pleasure , to resu●…nish his decayed treasure . O the transcendencie of Art ! Hee lookes backe at the houre of his Nativitie , and by a prob●…ble argument of the Constellation wherein hee was borne , hee gathers that the Crucible of his braine must be the Indies of this State. Not a morning shines upon him , wherein he expects not before the West receive him , but that his hopes shall enrich him , and those many jeering Mountebanks that attend him . Every dayes experience , becom●…s now a pretious observance : which makes him thinke hee drawes neare the shore ; and so he doth , for now the ship of his fortune rides at low water . Yet i●… he as rich in mountaines of golden conceites and ayrie imaginations as ever hee was : His Speculation in time will make him as rich as a new-shorne-sheepe ; but this his wisedom beleeves not . Heyday ; what a racket hee keepes ? Elevate that tripode ; sublimate that pipkin ; Elixate your antimonie ; intenerate your Chrysocoll ; accelerate our Crucible . Quicke , quicke , the Mint staies for our metall . Let our materials bee infused . Our Art requires your diligence ; your diligence ample recompence . How much may one houres remissnesse prejudice this consequent businesse ? Frustrate the States expectance ? And perpetually estrange the richest discovery that ever age brought forth , from our Successours . Deare Democritus , hold thy sides or they will cracke else ! This diving Paracelsian seekes Amalthea , but findes Amalga . His metalls have more Moone than Sunne in them . How hee tyres himselfe in a wilde-goose-chase ? As neere he was yesterday as to day , yet poorer to day than yesterday . His Art ha●…s arriv'd her secretst port , attain'd her highest pitch . Which makes him now convert his Speculation into admiration : wondering that this Stone s●…ould be so long conceal'd from him . By this time hee encounters with a nimble Quackesalver , who forgeth new 〈◊〉 to delude him . Hee encourageth 〈◊〉 i●… his attempt , seconds him with his advice and assistance ; purposely to extract out of ●…he decreasing Limbecke of his fortunes a monethly allowance . H●…e limits him a time , which expir'd , his hopes are arriv'd : but before the time come , this nimble Doctor is flowne . But what more powerfully prevalent than error ? All these rubbes shall not draw him from his byas . He will not desist till he see an end of something ; and so he may quickly , for his fortunes now he a bleeding But now his expence becomes more easie and temperate : for though his device be delicious , yet the ebbe of his fortunes makes him in his disbursements more parcimonious , and in distillations lesse pretious . Before the next Moneth end , his art hath wrought out the end of his state : so as this Alchymist becomes All-A-Mist , and Theogenes-like ends in smoak●… . A Bill must bee now erected , a Chymical Schedule pasted , where his hopefull Utensils were lately reared ; and if any m●…tall'd Sparke will spend some Crownes in the same Science , the Pupill may have a Tutor : whose judgement and pretious experiments hee may use for boord-wages . Now will any one buy a kettle , a Caldron , or a Limbeck ? How much is the State deceiv'd in this greatmans master-peece ? How his hopes are thawed ? His fortunes distilled ? And his aymes miserably cloz'd ? How this threede-bare Philosophe●… shruggs , shifts , and shuf●…les for a cuppe of sixe , whose thirsty desires were once for aurum potabil●… ? Few or none compassionate his infelicitie , save onely the Metall-men of Lo●…hburie , who expected for their grosser metalls ready vent by meanes of his philosophy . His sumptuous fires are now extinguished , the oyle of his lifes lampe consumed , his hopes into impossibilities resolved , and hee in his last Scene on earth , to earth returned . 13. A Neuter IS an Hedg●…hog ; Who ha●…h two holes or portalls in his siege ; one toward the South , another toward the North. Now when the Southern wind blowes , hee stoppes up that hole , and turnes him Northward : Againe , when the Northerne●… ●… Winde blowes , hee stoppes up that hole likewise , and turnes him Southward . Such an Vrchin is this Neuter , who will suite himselfe with the habit of any profession for lucre . Gregorie Nazianzen called Iuli●…n the Apostata a Cham●…leon ; fo●… hee could change himselfe into all shapes and colors . Such a Cha●… is the luke-warme Laodicean . What aboundance of zeale hee will pretend among the zealous ? What indifferency among our Timists ? How hot he is in palat , but how cold at heart ? Hee ha's procur'd a dispensation with his Conscience , that hee may the warilier and wiselier run with the tyde . Hee holds him a simple Christian that will professe publikely . what hee holds to bee Orthodoxall privately . It is his Art to put the wrongside outward ; and to dazle the eye of the World with faire showes , and golden shadowes . What Cringes he will make to a rising favorite ? How he will mould him to his temper ? And scrue himselfe into his knowledge in servilest manner ? His owne shadow cannot bee more inseparably attendant , nor more officiously observant . It is the bent of his studies to dive into his disposition ; and then to apply fuell of his owne provision to feede it . He desires to be nothing lesse than what hee seemes : for hee feares by wearing himselfe too familiarly in the world , hee might in short time weare himselfe out . A formall Morall zeale calls him to the Church ; where hee ha's one Pharisaicall eye to looke up , and an other Publican eye to looke downe . For the Notes which he gathers , they are either worldlypoliticall , or none at all . He will resolve of nothing definitely without some reservation ; but of all others , what religion he will bee of , must be his last resolution . Hee were a wiseman that could catch him in any Tenet that hee holds . Hee admires the d●…●…ipline of our Church ; but is not 〈◊〉 resolved as yet to be a member of her . He grounds his saith on what the bravest , not on what the best hold . Preferment is a tender object to his eye ; he affects nought with more fervor ; receives nought with more honor ; forgoes nought with more displeasure . A Conscience ( saith he ) I professe ; but yet I would not have it so nicely scrupulous , as to reject opportunitie of profit ; that conscience is too regular , that maks her master a beggar ; He is too Stoicall that is wholly for his Cell , and nothing for the World. Thus hee labours to take off the fire-edge from his Conscience , and to coole it ; to the end hee may be l●…sse limited or restrained by it . By which meanes , hee beginnes to bee more secure ; since libertie of Conscience tooke from him all grounds of a religious feare . Propose now the way , so it direct him to profit , which hee will not tread with delight . One minutes Taske in the Schoole of vertue tastes of more strictnesse , than Iliads of yeeres in the Temple of Mammon . Hee ha's now taken a course with his Consci●…ce for quietnesse sake , never to call it to an Evening account : that m●…ght trouble his sleepe , and distemper his next dayes projects . He ha●…h enough to doe , that hath to doe wi●…h the World. 〈◊〉 Contemplations might hinder his practice that way . Whatsoever therefore he 〈◊〉 himse●…fe to be , he hath made a covenant with his heart to cl●…ave to the world , as the Remora to the ship : Hee ha's conceived such infinite 〈◊〉 in it , as he can relish 〈◊〉 ●…t what savou●… of it . 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 therefore are those M●…morials which informe him in this thriving course of godlesse policie : and which hee holds as Maximes in each societie . He will seeme to love the Church , but live by sacriledge . Honour his L●…ra , but creepe c●…nningly into h●…s 〈◊〉 . Hold the middle path betwixt Baal and B●…thel . Heare much , and observe it , speake little that may be obs●…rved ; and lastly remaine in such s●…spence in matters of religion , as to bee as farre from resolving at the day of his death , as the houre of his entering . Excell●…nt conclusions , drain'd from a dangerous sconce , but a farre more dangerous soule . What will this Puffin come to in time ? Long ha's hee walk'd in the Clouds ; and hung his conscience in so even a ballance b●…twixt Atheisme and Religion as one graine would cast him . How s●…rious an Instrum●…nt of Iustice he will shew himselfe towards Recusants , upon 〈◊〉 tou●… th' execution of Penall Statutes ? Againe , how remisse and conniving , if hee perceive no such thing intended ? It is a singular argument of his wisedome not to fish in troubled waters , nor swim against the streame . Hee makes that use of religion , which men make of upright shoes ; to weare them with indifferencie on either foote . Vpon perusall of antient Martyrologies ( but seldome is he so well employ'd ) he wonders at mens constancie , how they could finde in their heart , by insisting on scruples , to deprive themselves of life and liberty . The paines of compiling so large a volume might have beene sav'd , had all those constant professors b●…ene possessed of his spirit . Thus hath he liv'd to deceive all the World , and himselfe the most . For hee , who tendered the welfare of no friend ; nor relyed on any vertuous ground ; nor reserv'd one poore minute to meditate of the Supreme good ; nor valued ought worthy esteeme , but what the world brought forth ; nor ever en●…ered into consideration of his owne estate ; nor accounted otherwise of reli●…ion , than as a Cloake ; nor of Christianitie , than as a dreame ; nor of the whole practice of Pietie , than of ●…umane policie . Behold how his fr●…ends discard him ; hypocrisie arraignes him ; his long belull'd Conscienc●… awakes him ; Atheisme condemnes him ; and his desperate contempt of veritie hopelesly torments him ! See how this grand Polititian hath deluded himselfe ! How this co●…terfeite picture , who was neither masculine nor feminine Christian , but a Neuter , hath catcht himselfe in his owne ●…rror ! His discourse of Heaven , was as of a matter of complement ; his treatie of Earth , as of his choicest continent . But now ●…is mouth is fill●…d with gravell ; and that which once che●…r'd him , hath now choaks him . To his outward friends hee walk't in a mist , but to his inward hee c●…uld ●…ot ; by the former as hee was discarded , so by the latter is h●…e discovered . Long time hee d●…spenc'd with Con●…cience : who 〈◊〉 h●…th vow'd no longer 〈◊〉 . 14. An Ostler IS a ●…ottleman ; not a Ba●…ber in Europe can set a better edge on his razor , than hee can set on horses teeth , to save hi●… provender . The proverbe is ; The masters eye 〈◊〉 his horse ; but the Ostlers starves him . Now , if you desire to h●…ve your Palfrey make quicke dispatch of his provender , m●…ke your Ostler his Supervisor , and by nimble co●…veyance he will quickly make an empty Manger . What a rubbi●…g and scrubbing hee will make in hope of a small reward at cloze of a reckoning ? What humble Obeysance may you expect at his hand , when he prostrates himselfe in such low service to the heeles of your Horse ? Thus labours he by currying your beast , to curry favour with your selfe . Hee ha's no Litter●…re , ●…hough hee trade something ●…are it . He●… profits out of measure ; his Ostrie must not be tide to Winchester . If Oates seeme deare , hee will tell you how much their price quickned at every quarter last Ma●…ket day : and hee ha's one close at his elbow that will second him . Hee will justifie it , that no Hoast on all the Road got his hay so sweetly or seasonably as his Master . Though th●…re bee Ostlers of all Countreys , yet generally are they Northerne men ; and those you shall finde the simplest , but diligent'st , and consequently the honestest ; for industry and simplicitie are antidotes against knavery . But it is twenty to one , hee will be as neere your Co●…ntreyman as hee can informe himselfe , purposely to procure your better respect , and purchase the larger reward . Hee will tell you , if hee find you credulous , that your horse hurts at W●…thers , or hee is hoofe-bound ; but referre all unto him , and you shall bee sure to pay both Sadl●…r and Farrier for nothing . Hee can direct you to a pot of the nappiest Ale in all the streete , and conduct you too , so the Tapster know not . Hee ha's sundry petty-officers , as Vnder-Ostlers , Litter-strowers , Boot-catchers , to whom little accrues after his deductions . He pro●…esseth some skill in horses , and knowes how to cure diuers maladies with Oyle of Oates ; but hee will never cure so many as he ha's diseas'd , nor fat so many as he ha's starv'd . To a bare stranger that promiseth but small profit to the Stable , hee will be as peremptorie as a Beadle . He will feed his horse with delayes and demurres , and cause him stay greater guests leasure . But how officious the Snake will bee , where hee smels benefit ? He speakes in his Ostrie ( the chiefe seate of his Hypparchie ) like a Frog in a Well , or a Cricket in a Wall. When Guests horses stand at Livery , he sleepes very little , fearing lest they should eate too much ; but at bottle , hee is more secure ; howsoever , he ha's a dainty Deutifrice that will charme them . Hee is a constant stable man ; and herein onely commendable ; consta●…cy in respect of his place , and humilitie in respect of his person , makes him both knowne and k●…avish . He ha's a notable glib veine in vaine discourse : No Countrey can you name , but it is in his verge ; his long acquaintance with people of all conditions and Countrie●… , is become so Mathematically usefull unto him , as he ha's the Geographicall M●…ppe of the whole Co●…tinent ( so farre as this lland extends ) i●… his illiterate pericranium ; which he vents by way of description , upon every occasion ; and this he makes his weekely StableLecture . He is at very little charge with his 〈◊〉 but for his ●…alse sh●…rt and night-cap ; which he weares as Ornaments to his p●…ofession , and in them acts his daily penance : for it is his use to encounter your Pal●…ry in a shirt of male , be he male or female . If he rise to any preferment , he may say , Gramercy horse ; yet will he hardly confesse so much . He aspires somtimes to Tapster , holding it the more beneficiall place ; but howsoever , better for him , for hee may now d●…ke of free cost . Long-Winter nights watching , and early rising ( for hee must bee either the Guests Cocke , or they his ) have much foreslow'd his diligence : for now hee will endure a call or two before hee rise . But this is no fault of his , but the diversitie of his occasions : for his desire is naturally to rise early , and to be officious to his guests before they bee stirring , in giving their horses provender , which they may dispatch in a trice , before ever their Masters come out of their chambers . When hee finds convenient time and leasure , hee will tosse a pot sociably with his Neighbour . But none are so familiar with him as the Smith and Sadler , whom hee is bound to present ( upon some private composition ) to any Gentleman or other , that shall have occasion to use them . If hee may make so much bold with you , hee will send his commends sweetned with a Nutmeg , by you to the Ostler of your next I●…ne ; & this bege●…s reciprocall courtesies betwixt them , with titles too , which they are wholly guiltlesse off ; as honest Boy ; true Blade , &c. But these stiles are but given them by their fellow Ostlers , whose desertlesse commendations exact as much at their hands . If hee be but indifferently honest ( as I would have no superlative degrees of honesty in that profession ) hee improves the benefit of the In●… above comparison : All desire to harbour where there is an honest Ostler . Which opinion once purchased , hee retaines for ever ; and by it strengthens him with his Masters favour . Hee begins now to bee a Landed man by meanes of his honesty and usury . If he●… have the grace to stay the good houre , hee may succeed his Master , and by matching with his M●…stresse rise to Inne-keeper . But this is very rare , for hee is not by halfe so neate a Youth as the Chamberlaine . Long and sore did hee labour in the Spring of his youth , before hee came to reape any crop in the 〈◊〉 of his age . Hee is now growne resty . P●…ofit is an alluring bai●…e , but it cannot make him doe that which hee did . Now hee loves to s●…ort under the Manger , and sleepe out his time before his departure : yet he cannot endure that any should succeed him in his place , though hee cannot supply it himself . Well , suppose him now drawing on to his last Quarter ; some graspes or gripes of mortality hee feeles , which makes him conclude in his owne Element ; Grasse and Hay , we are all mortall . Hee could for all this , finde in his heart to live one yeare longer ; to compare his last yeares vailes and this together ; and perchance , redeeme his arrerages too with better measure . But his Ostrie is shut up ; the Guests gone ; their reckoning paid ; onely a poore Guest of his owne stayes yet in her I●…e . and ha's not discharged . But now I see the I●…e dissolved ; the Signe of her being fallen to Earth , and de●…aced and his Inmate lodged , where the great Inne-keeper ha's appointed . 15 A Post-master IS a Chequerman : who though hee gallop ●…euer so fast , yet can hee hardly with his post ouertake his ●…ay ; fo●… that is alwaies before hand with him . The first question he askes you , ( for else he ha's none materiall ) Where is your Commission ? Though you know the length of his stage , and price of his miles , yet his Post-boy hath horses of all prices : to whom if you bee not liberally minded , looke for no other but to bee lamely mounted . One would verily thinke that hee had some charme in the blast of his horne , for he makes Passengers leave their high-road and give way in the midst of winter , to foundred Hackneys inevitable danger . Hee rides as securely as if hee were in fee with High-way men , before whom hee may whistle as merrily as an emptie . Traveller , without lea●…t feare of encounter . Our Night is his artificiall day , as hee makes it . There is nothing that gives so terrible a report in his eare as a packet of Letters , for that postes away at free cost . To save weight hee seldome rides with a band , unlesse it be upon affaires of highest consequence , and then this hopefull sprig holds it no small honour to pride himselfe in the weare of an halter . Hee is generally more peremptorie than other guides ; for you may haue them as you two can agree ; and they will usually abate of their demands ; but two pence halfe pennie a mile is his price , and hee will not abate a denere of it through out all his stage . Hee will discourse with you most cursorily , touching what hee heare●… of matters of state : and to gaine him more esteeme in the opinion of the ignorant , will not sticke to bely his knowledge . Hee is valiant , not by naturall instinct , but by vertue of his Commission , which authorizeth him to take way of his betters . Hee can retur●…e a surly answer , or resolve a waggish question , and this is wit enough for one of his profession . He is familiarly vers'd with oaths of all natures ; and these hee blusters out as frequently , as if they w●…re his naturall Rhetorick . Hee quarters out his life into foure Cantons , Eating , drinking , sleeping and riding ; but the second and last are two principall ones . H●…e trusseth up your Port●…antua wi●…h all 〈◊〉 and alacrity , to 〈◊〉 your good opi●…ion , but most of all i●… hope of your bounty . H●…s 〈◊〉 a●…e meerely voluntaries , which ( so prevalent is custome ) hee as constantly expects , as if they were his 〈◊〉 : your liberality makes him register your name ; enroule you amo●…g his Benefactors ; and take notice of you upon your retur●…e : yet must you continue your munificence , or former Bounties will dive deepe into the Lethe of forgetfulnesse . Hee will bee your servile servant so long as hee tast●…s of your benevol●…ce ; your pampered lade shall not bee foundred of all foure , your palfrey loosely saddled , or budget carelesly trussed . Besides , to expr●…sse a kind of morall remembrance of curtsies received , like a gratefull Gnat , he will recommend your bounty to his succeeding Post-boy , who will accurately furnish you with a dreami●…g Drom●…dary , to accelerate your journey . Hee rides altogether up●…n spurre , and no lesse is 〈◊〉 for his dull supporter ; who is ●…s familiarly acquainted with a ●…anterbury , as hee who makes Chaucer his Author , is with his Tale ; and who by sore expe●…ence and spur-ga●…'d dilige●…ce is growne well-neare as intelligible as his M●…ster , in the distance of his stage ; further than which it is impossible to hale him . Hee rides most commonly with on●… spurre ; and to him that is so inquisitive , as hee will demand the reason of it , hee can readily shape him this waggish answer ; Hee holds two superfluous , for if the one ●…ide of his lad●… goe forward , hee thinkes hee will not leave the other behind . Hee becomes in short time an excellent Farrier ; which knowledge he attaines out of his owne proper but bitter experience : for his Stable is a very shop of all diseases ; Glanders , Yellowes , Fashions , Maladers , Curbs , Scratches , Staggers , Strangles , Ringbones , Windgalls , Navelgalls , Bogspavings , with a Myriad more of practicall contingents become his familiar acquaintance . On these hee daily practiseth , but rarely cureth . A Packe of Dogs he usually keepes , which hee feedes with the provision of his owne Stable : For hee that us'd to carry one , in short space becomes Carrion . He holds shooes usel●…sse implements , for hee seldome rides a bootl●…sse●…rrand ●…rrand . And now drawing neare the end of his stage , he is neither much wiser nor richer , then when hee first entred the world . His life as it properly resembles a post , ( for it cannot have relation to an apter comparison ) is now very nearely runne out a breath . And yet observe the miserable condition of this Horse-fly ! Though hee never gained farther experience in the whole course of his life than the practise of some curelesse cures , the distance of his owne stage , to give a windy summons with his horne , and to hoise a pot of ale at the doore , yet nothing is so bitter to him as the remembrance of his dissolution . His life was a Labor , his age a Pilgrimage , his service servitude . No rest , no repose , poor repast tasted hee on earth : yet preferres hee this Labour before a quiet and reposed harbour . Many yeares ha's hee spent to small purpose ; his hours are uselesse ; his endeavours fr●…itlesse ; and now after such a quotidian feaver of an Hectick●… labour , being fallen from his horse , and out of request ( by a writ of ea●…e ) with that science he becomes wormes provender : for his Legac●…es , they are to bee discharged out of arrerages ●…rom the Exchequer . 16. A Quest-man IS a man of account for this yere : yet of 〈◊〉 such honour i●… New-Troy , as he was in Old-Rome . He never goes withou●… his Note-booke , w●…ich . 〈◊〉 ●…ee have so much Lati●…e , he 〈◊〉 ●…is VADE MECVM . Wher●… i●… he ha'●… th●… names of all the 〈◊〉 , middle . sizemen , and 〈◊〉 , wi●…hin his whole Ward . And this is all the m●…thod 〈◊〉 is r●…quired in his Common-place book . He is a sworne man ; which Oa●…h serves an ●…njunction upon his Conscience to be honest Howsoever , hee must bee brought to accompt for it . The day of his Election is ●…ot more ready for him , than h●… fo●… it . Hee assumes upon h●…m a parcell of illb●…seeming gravit●…e ; strokes his beard , as if it were the Dew-lap of his conce●…te ; fetcheth an imperti●…ent 〈◊〉 , purpo●…ely to pump for more wit ; and co●…cludes with a set punctual gesture , laying his soape-besmeared hand upon his reverend brest : God make me an honest man. Whence he most ingenuously implyes , that hee is not as yet , made that man hee should be : but much may be done in time . Hee keep●…s an ●…speciall Register of all such ●…nmates a●… nestle within his Ward : whose povertie must be squeezd to eas●… the richer ; yet sleighted with neglect for their labour . These hee visits qua●…terly , which visitation they ( poore Gnats ) may properly tearme a plague ; which in time they recover of , for it leaves not a token . Some treasure he hath under his hand , which hee must returne ; hee can convert very little to his owne use , nor defeate the Parish of any house rent : for hee ha's as wise men as himselfe in the Ward , who now in his lifetime are made his Supervisors , to looke to his fingers , that the pretended gravitie or reverence of his person authorize him not to abuse his place . This makes many more unwilling to be so dignified ; because much labour but small profit is to accrue it . Yet his wifes Pew in the Church is a mighty motive : for by this meanes shee becomes exalted according to the dignitie of his office , which with a most supercilious zeale she accepts ; and doub●…s not but some of her neighbours will envie it . This place hath not put on more reverence in him , than state on her . Eye but her postures , and you will confesse it . Her eye is wandring , wooing observance . Her f●…ote most gingerly paced , for more state-reservance . Her tougue too civ●…cally mincing , for vulgar attention . Meane time , this Questman he●… husband , the better to enable him for his place , becomes frequently versed in sundry ancient Presidents . He casts his eye behi●…de him , to see wh●…t was done before him : and hee smiles at the simplicitie of his preceeding Officers ; and turning to himselfe , most Sagely concl●…des : The●…e wanted thy sconce Boy . He is now a●…mitted ( by 〈◊〉 of the reverence of his haires ) to the Learned Counsell of the Ward . Where he shoots his bolt with the foremost . Some Orders or Parochiall constitutions , hee ha's beene long studying , which he purposeth the next Revestrie day to present to the rest of his worshipfull Brethren , to the end they may bee put in speedy execution . But l●…ke good purposes , ( the more is the pitty ) they seldome take . After Evening prayer time , he descends immediatly into the low Gallery , which he with the rest of the wise masters make their Consistorie . Where ( like good Parishioners , studious of the publike good ) they treat of all such abuses as are crept into the body of their Ward . While their censures become as ●…ifferent , as their persons ; their voyces as their places . One shewes ●…imselfe a Paracelsian , and hee professeth the cure of these maladies by mineralls and incisions ; another a Dioscoridan , and he holds them more curable by leniments , emplasters , and unctions ; the third a meere Mountebanke Florentine , who wraps up his receits in a remnant of Rhetoricall bombast , but never returnes one healthfull patient . So long , and as fruitlesse as long , debate they the cause and cure of these ●…normities , till an aged nod or two dissolve their Councell : and summon them to a new 〈◊〉 upon expence of halfe pints a peece . Where they fall in , till some argument , whereof they are ignorant , make them fall out . All which time our 〈◊〉 scornes to bee silent ; as one desirous rather to speake to no purpose , ●…han not to speake at all . Some quaint words hath he got , which he u●…derstands not ; and these he useth upon all occasions . Neither are they more ignorantly delivered by him , than they are pittifully ad●…ired by them . It is a strange thing to observe how much he●… is improved since the last yeere : Neither is it possible to dive into the reason of it . For ●…ither is there some admirable secret facultie concealed from the judgement of man , in the Lining of a furr'd gowne , or else it is to bee wondred at , whence this late-bred sufficiencie of his should proceede . But in this surely h●…e shewes himselfe most wise , in that hee communicates not his knowledge to any but the ignorant : for it is that makes his judgement passe for currant . But his yeere is now upon expiration ; and his Account drawing to his preparation . Where Honestie and 〈◊〉 m●…ete , there cannot chuse but bee a good account . And in him neither can b●…e wanting ; for his b●…ard shewes the one , and his place proves the other . Hee cannot now shew himselfe so shallow nor appeare so silly , but hee will retaine the opinion of a deepehead-peece : For hee is now o●…e of the Seniours . A very small portion of understandi●…g , and lesse of wit , will serve him to spinne out the remainder of his time . For a Cipher in some place stands in more account , than a figure doth in another . What rests now , but that he rest , since his rents are collected , his account perfected , himselfe discharged , and another pew-fellow , equall to him both for worth and wit , by generall vote and voice elected ? 17. A Ruffian IS a roring Dam without a Ruffe . None more valiant than hee in tongue , lesse resolute in heart . He ha's vow'd to bee ill-condition'd in all Companies ; and to presse a quarrell rather than misse it . A white-liver'd Souldier and a Gallant is the fittest patient hee can practise on . One would thinke his very language would fall at ods with it selfe , and out-brave the Speaker . He ha's a dangerous eye , not to strike ( for so I meane not ) but to move ones patience to strike him . For a kinde of uncivile contempt doth alwayes attend his looke , as base provoking language accompanies his tongue . Hee hath ranked himself with a troope of shallow uncivile Shallops , like himselfe : whose chiefest valour consists in braves , scru'd faces , desperate mouchato's , new-minted Oaths ; all which moulded together , make a terrible quarter in an Ordinarie . He weares more metall on his heele , than in his purse . He triumphs damnably on some stolne favour , bee it lighter than a feather , and threatens mischiefe to him that will not pledge her . But it falls out many times , that he is bastinado'd out of this humour . You shall best distinguish him by a nastie neglectfull carriage , accoutred with disdaine and contempt , so as his very countenance is a Letter of Challenge to the beholder . Those which know him , rather jeere him , than feare him : for they experimentally know , that a Pigmey would beat him . And with such ( forasmuch as his shoulders have felt their censure ) hee keepes a faire and civile quarter . His Soveraignty is showne highest at May-games , Wakes , Summerings , and Rush-bearings : where it is twentie to one but hee becomes beneficiall b●…ore he part , to the Lord of the Man our by meanes of ●… bloody nose or a broken pate . Hee will now and then for want of a better Subject to practise on , squabble with the Minstrell , and most heroically break his Drone , because the Drone cannot rore out his tune . The wenches poore soules , sh●…ke in their skinnes , fearing a mischiefe : and intreat their ●…hearts to give him faire language . All is out a square while hee is there . But th●…se are but his 〈◊〉 pagea●…ts . Hee will i●…trude most frontl●…sly into any Company ; and advance himsel●…e with the highest at an Ordinari●… ; yet many times hee eates farre more than hee can defray ; yea , now and then hee receives where hee should disburse ; a kicke , I meane , from some surly Naprie groome , which serves in full discharge of his Commons . Never crept fardell of worser qualities into more choyce and select companies . But these hee cannot consort with long . For their Purses are too strong-string'd , their hearts too well - 〈◊〉 , their hands too truly-metal'd to veile to his b●…senesse . He must be discarded , and with disgrace , if he haste not . Suppose him then with his restie regiment dropping out of a three-pennie Ordinarie : where the last mans Cloake is sure to bee seaz'd on for all the reckoning . But when the Cooke eyes it more precisely , and considers how irreparably it is aged , hee will not take it in full satisfaction of his hungry Commons , without some other pawne : which for feare of Clubbes , they submissively condescend to : by disroabing one of their Complices , who may best spare it , of an ancient Buff-jerkin ; whose lapps you may imagine , by long use , so beliquor'd and belarded , as they have oyle enough to frie themselves without any other material . Yet they cannot pocket up this indignitie with patience : wherefore they vow to be revenged , which for most part , is as basely clozed . Next night the●…efore , these nittie Ha●…ters intend with strong hand to breake his glass●…indow's , or at dead-time of night to pull downe his Signe : and so ends their faire quarrel . To a play they wil hazard to go , though with never a rag of mon●…y : where after the second Act , when the D●…ore is weakly guarded , they will make sorcibl●… entrie ; a knock with a Cudgell is the worst ; whereat though they grumble , they rest pacified upon their admittance . Forthwith , by violent assault and assent , they aspire to the two-pennie roome ; where being furnished with Tinder , Match , and a portion of decayed Barmoodas , they smoake it most terribly , applaud a prophane jeast unmeasurably , and in the end grow distastefully rude to all the Companie . At the Conclusion of all , they single out their dainty Doxes , to clozeup a fruitlesse day with a sinnefull evening . Whereto ( truth is ) they repaire , rather for releefe then to releeve : yea , their house of sin becomes oft-times their house of Correction : for when they will not pay for what they call for , Lais and her Laundrie will returne them their payment by assistance of such familiar Inmates , as she will make bold to call for . But suppose now this Ty●…darian Tribe dispersed , out of all civile societies discarded , and with no better entertainment than contempt , wheresoever received . Our Ruffian ha's left his Mates , and they him . Povertie ha's now seaz'd on him ; for his braine , it is as barren of a shift , as his backe guiltlesse of a shirt . Those Iron tooles of his , with which hee affrighted his Scar-crowes , hang now in Long-lane for a signe of the Sword and Buckler . His slasht Suite , like L●…bels or tart-papers hang peeee meale , estrang'd both from substance and colour . His yingling sp●…rre hath lost his voyce , his head his locke ; yea , his decayed Lungs the puff of a R●…rer . The wall now must bee no Subject of quarrell ; nor his distended Mouch●…to a Spectacle of terrour . The extreamest effects of hunger , have taken him off from standing upon points of honour . He would gladly encounter with death if hee durst : But there was such distance betwixt him and the rememberance of it , during the whole progresse of his unfruitfull life , as now it startles him to entertain●… the least thought of death . Yet may this bee one of his inferiour comforts , hee leaves nothing behind him , that may bee termed properly his owne , that is worth enjoying . In a word , he cannot be so wearie of the World , as it was long since of him . Never was Creature lesse usefull or more unfruitfull ; Let it content hi●… , that hee hath prevented that contempt by dying , which hee should have i●…curred dayly by living . 18. A Sayler IS an Otter ; an Amphibium that lives both on Land and Water . Hee shewes himselfe above Hatches in shape like a male Meeremaid , visible to the halfe body . Hee stands at his 〈◊〉 , and holds out his hand to you , as if he craved your more acquaintance : where , though hee tell you , that hee is your first man , doe not beleeve him : for his founder Zabul●…n was long after Adam . Hee never shewes himselfe nimbler , nor contests with his fellowes with more active vigour , than in shooting the Bridge at a Low water . Hee will hazard a life in a whirlewind without feare , rather than lose the benefit o●… his Fare . The bredth of an inch-boord is betwixt him and drowning , yet he●… sweares and drinks as deepely , as if hee were a fathom from it . His familiarity with death and danger , hath armed him with a kind of dissolute security against any encounter . The Sea cannot rore more abroad , than hee within , fire him but with liquor . Hee is as watchfull as a Crane in a storme , and as secure as a Dormo●…se in a calme . In a tempest you shall heare him pray , but so amethodically , as it argues , that hee is seldome vers'd in that practice . Feare is the principall motive of his devotion ; yet I am perswaded , for forme sake , he shewes more than hee feeles . Hee loves to fish in troubled waters , have an Oare in every mans boate , and to breake the tenth Commandement in the conclusion of his lukewarmeprayer ; Hey , for a rich prize . He●… lives in a tottri●…g state , and he sits himselfe to it . Hee is as constant as the Moone in his resolves . So hee can have Sea-roome , no coast holds it selfe to bee of more firme Land. If hee play the Sea-sharke , and advance his fortunes by a precious prize : yet to spare his Executors that labour , hee intends a course to leave them few ends of gold or silver . Hee must feede his valour with the liquid sp●…rit of some piercing Elixer : and thus hee ducks and dives out his time like a true Didapper . Hee makes small or no choice of his pallet ; he can sleepe aswell on a Sacke of Pumice as a pillow of downe . He was never acquainted much with civilitie : The Sea ha'●… taught him other Rhetoricke . Compassionate himselfe hee could never much , and much lesse another . He ha's condition'd with the Sea not to make him sicke : and it is the best of his conceite to jeere at a ●…ueasie stomacke . Hee is more active than contemplati●…e , unlesse h●… turne Ast●…nomer , and that is only in cases of extremity . He is most constant to his shirt , and other his seldome-wash'd linnen . He ha's been so long acquainted with the surges of the Sea , as too long a calme distempers him . He cannot speake low , the Sea talkes so lo●…d . His advice is seldome taken in navall affaires ; though his hand be s●…rong , his head-peece is stupid . He is used therefore as a necessary instrument of action : for hee can spinne up a rope like a Spider , and downe againe like a lightning . T●…e rope is his roade , and the top-mast his Beac●…n . One would think his body were wounded , for hee weares pitch cloath upon it : but that is invulnerable , unlesse a bullet casually finde out a Loope-hole , and that quite ripps up his Saile-cloath . He partakes much of the Chameleon , when hee is mounted the top-mast : where the ayre is his Diet-bread . His visage is an unchangeable var●…ish ; neither can winde pierce it , nor Sunne parch it . He ever takes worst rest when he goes to bed most sober . Hee will domineere furiously in the height of his Potation , but hee is quickly cudgell'd out of that humour by the Master of the house of Correction . Hee ha's coasted many Countreys , arrived sundry havens , sojourned in flourishing Cities , and conversed with various sorts of people : yet call him to account , and you shal find him the unfruitfull'st Navigatour that ere you conversed with . Deepe drinkers have ever shallow memories : He can remember nothing more precisely , than the great vessel at Heidelberg ; affaires of ●…tate are above his sconce . It is his best Arithmetick to remember his months pay : and if necessitie urge him not , hee would scarcely thinke on that either . What a starveling hee is in a frosty morning with his Seafrocke , which seemes as if it were shrunke from him , and growne too short , but it wil be long enough ere hee get another ? His Signe is alwayes in Aquarius , unlesse hee bee in his pots , and then it is in Aries . Hee is of a Phlegmatick watry constitution ; very little Sanguine , unlesse it bee in a Sea-fight ; wherein , though he expect no honour , he expresseth some dying sparkes of valour , in hope to become sharer in a pyraticall treasure . Hee hath an invincible stomack , which Ostridge-like could well-neare digest iron . He is very seldome subject to surfet , or shorten the dayes of his watry P●…lgrimage with excesse : unlesse it fall out upon rifling of Wines , that he endanger his Top-saile with an over-charge . He is many times so long on Sea , as hee fo●…gets his friends by Land. Associats hee ha's , and those so constantly cleaving , as one voyce commands all . Stares cannot bee more faithfull in their society , than these Hanskins in their fraternity . They will brave it valiantly , when they are ranked together , an●… relate their adventures with wonderfull terror . Yet these relations ever halt through want of Learning , which defect abridgeth the story of their deserving . Necessary instruments they a●…e , and Agents of maine importance in that Hydrarchy wherin they live ; for the walles of their state could not subsist without them : but least usefull they are to themselves , and most needfull of others supportance . They taste of all waters and all weathers : onely the gale of prosperitie seldome breathes on their sailes : neither care they much for any such Companion . They ●…epe without feare of loosing what they enjoy ; and in enjoying little , they share in the lesse burden of cares . Yet it is much to bee wondred at , that our Sayler should have such frequent occasion to erect his eye upward , and retaine such servile dejected thoughts inward . He converseth with the Starres , observes their motions , and by them directs his Compasse ▪ Singular notions derives hee from them , meane time hee is blind to Him that made them . He sliceth the depths , and is ignorant of Him that confine●… them ; he cutteth the surging swelling waves , and thinks not of Him that restraines them ; he coasteth by the shel●…s , and forgets Him that secures him . True is that Maxime ; Custome takes away the apprehension of passion . In the infancy of his Pro●…ession , there appeared not a billow before his eyes , which convey'd not a feare unto his heart . Numerous perils ha's hee now passed , hourely objects of approaching danger are presented , yet these aswell as those equally sleighted . Death he ha's seene in so many shapes , as it cannot amate him , appeare it never so terrible unto him . Yet needs must that Enemy affright him against whom hee comes , for whom hee was never provided before hee came . Well ; suppose him now ●…rawing towards the Port , where all mortalitie must land . Hee ha's tugg'd long enough upon the Maine , he must now gather up his vessels within the haven . He ha's drawne in his sayles and taken adew of the Sea : unlesse she shew him so much kindnesse , as to receive him into her briny bosome , and intombe him dying , whom she entertained living : which courtesie if she tender him , the wormes are deceived by him , for hee goes not the way of all flesh , but the way of all fish , whose fry feedes on him , as their foref●…thers fed him . 19. A Traveller IS a Iourneyman ; but can never bee freeman , till hee bee end●…nized in his owne Countrey . Hee is troubled with a perpe●…uall migrim ; at Sea hee wisheth to bee on Land , and on Land at Sea. Hee makes his life a right Pilgrimage , for hee finde●… no place to abide in , but only to ●…ojourne in : so as the wandring Iew may bee his Embleme . The whole World is his Inne , where savage beasts aswell as reasonable men are his Inmates . Hee converseth with all Nations , and p●…rtakes of their natures : wh●…rein generally , ●…ice becomes a more attractive object than vertue . Whence it is , that hee oftner i●…proves his knowledge , than his 〈◊〉 ; his language , than carriage . Hee takes a survey of this universe , in the sites of Cities , Countries a●…d Provinces ; and observes what s●…emes most remarkeable ; meane time hee observes himselfe so sleightly , as o●…e can hardly distinguish the substance from the sh●…dow . Now hee is for lanching i●…to the deep●… ; to 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 stat●…s ; 〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 himselfe all the 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 ●…dy age wher●…in 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 out some 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 or other from 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 make his fruitles●… 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 ●…lued , himselfe 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 his re●…urne mor●… 〈◊〉 . 〈◊〉 will usually lose 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 ●…lated discourse of 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 : and if his memory 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , ●…mpe hi●… 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 . 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , ye●… , n●…w ●…nd 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 absurd 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 ●…cipall Subject o●… 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 upon rare 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 ●…ments , which hee 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 su●…h ●… 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , as 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 his 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 er●…han ●…han 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 blazons as if he were their Herald : styling Constantinople the store-house of Greece ; Paris the regall of France ; Venice the eye of Italy ; Florence the Seat of Beauty ; Rome the Lady Citty ▪ with her imprese : ORBIS IN VRBE . In which , as in all things els , he is meerely titular . He can mould himselfe to all conditions , fashions & religions . But in all these three hee returnes for most part , far worse than before he went forth . In the first he ha's learn'd to be loose & lascivious ; in the ●…econd , phantastically humorous ; in the third , strangely superstitious . Some things hee observes worth remembring , if hee liv'd in an other age : but like an understanding Timist , hee holds no concurrence with that fashion , which ag●…ees not with the humour of his Nation . Having now chang'd his ayre , and with continuance , his h●…ire , but not one of his ●…onditions ; he reviewes his owne Cou●…trey with a kind of disdainefull loathing , as if there were nothing in it worthy l●…ving . He disvalues out rarities , disesteemes our beauties , j●…eres at our complement , slights our entertainem●…nt , and clozeth up his u●…seasoned distaste with an interjection of admiration : O the rare objects that I have seene in my dayes ! Then hee runnes on in a meere verball circuit of affected discourse , which the ignorant onely admire , and weaker than wome●… affect . Meane time , hee introduceth some conceits of his owne , as fashions in r●…quest : Whi●…h hee seconds with high approv●…t , being his owne 〈◊〉 . A●…d that hee might represent in himselse this patterne of perfection , and move others to imitate his postures : you may suppose him walking , like one ●…ade up 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 ; 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 him , nor 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 ●…ooke ●…o 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , no●… 〈◊〉 ●…composed 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 accoutre him . With ●…hat c●…pt he 〈◊〉 ●… com●… ▪ Co●…gie ? And as if it we●… 〈◊〉 , to a man of hi●… pl●… , 〈◊〉 to observe his distance , 〈◊〉 a 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 or ●…od ▪ aswell as pace ▪ 〈◊〉 will rectifie that error too , to make those Co●…orts with ●…hom hee deignes to converse , or com●…ate himsel●…e ▪ every way acc●…d as himselfe . He●… hol●… 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 much ingag'd to his o●…ces : so highly hath 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 with him ▪ 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 b●…ught 〈◊〉 ●…o 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 . Now ▪ should ●…ee 〈◊〉 ●…p 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 ▪ 〈◊〉 collect the be●… 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 of his Tra●… ▪ 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 expence of his 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 ; 〈◊〉 ●…ould 〈◊〉 his 〈◊〉 g●…eat , his 〈◊〉 ●…ts small : his ●…s 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 short of hi●… d●… . Hee is 〈◊〉 , ind●…d , in that which this age calls co●…t Hee is all for your Serv●… Serva●… , and titles of lowest observance . Hee overcomes his Mistresses stomach with this overlarded protest ; He lives not but by her , nor desires to live but for her ; hee plants his love in an equall diameter betweene Bellon●… and Minerv●… , reason and courage ; yet is hee no lesse barraine of the one , than coole in the other . Or else , hee marrieth with his instrument his voyce , matched with an Italian Canto , and ayr'd with more 〈◊〉 , than hee ha's pence in his Budget . This is the vintage of his Pilgrimage . He hath traced this Th●… of earth , and made himselfe the Embleme of what hee is ; much hath hee seene , with many hath hee convers'd , and a full view hath hee taken of this inferiour globe . Div●…rsity of soiles , variety of fruits , multiplicity of creatures h●…ve his eyes enjoyed , yet rest not satisfied ; through many Coasts and Countreyes hath hee travell●…d , yet his experience in those peoples natures little improved ; In sundry Citties hath hee sojorned , yet from their knowledge now estranged . Merchants of unvalued fortunes hath hee seene splitted , while their factors sported ; ruin'd while they rioted . Cur●…izans hee hath observed , their sumptuous state , the fuell of their maintenance , and how their Comick Scenes ever clozed with tragick Catastrophe●…s . Forraine savorites hath hee marked , their projects , designes , ●…vents : What faire flourishes their first admittance to their Princes p●…esence shewed ; how soone tho●…e fading blossoms of vading glory were nipped . Stately and sumptuous statues of victorious Champions hath hee eyed , their inscriptions perused , and trampled upon those scattred ashes ( the remaines of a greater worke ) which sometimes were with the b●…eath of fame enlivened . Thus great stones are become great mens covers . No distinction betwixt the Noble and Ignoble , save onely that the higher Peer●… is crushed with the heavier pils . High and goodly structures brought to rubbish , and flourishing states to ruine , hath hee noted . And now drawing towards his owne native so●…le ; hee admireth nothing more , than to see hospitality so much honoured abroad , and so contemp●…ible at home . 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 Househol●… 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 . He goes to the 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 knocks , but the Court●…a's ●…a's swallow'd vp the hall ; this complete Peregrine may sooner breake his nocke thun his fast ; which makes him cry out most passionately , forth of a sensible compassion of his owne necessity : O the 〈◊〉 of Hospitality which I have seene ! But by this time , his Carier●… through the world hath made him wearie . He ha's a great desire for the benefit of his Countrey ( as hee pretends ) to communicate these leane scraps of his starved Travailes to the world . Publish'd hee would have them ( according to the Erata's of his life ) : in folio : but so indigested are his collections , and so illaborate his style , as the Stationer shunnes them like a Noli me tangere , fearing their sale . Well ; though the World will not receive them ; long winter-nights and his Neighbours credulous eares shall enter●…aine them . Where having told his tale , hee hopes out of the wide Circumference of his Trav●…iles , to find so much ground as will afford him a grave . 20. An Vndersheriffe . IS a master of fence ; and by deputation , the Co●…ntenance of of the County wherein hee lives ▪ The Kings Letters he opens as familiarly , as if they were but neighbourly commends : and bring●… more unwelcome salutes from the Prince , to his Subject , than he hath thanks for . Wai●…es and straies hee impounds in his pocket : for Felo●…s goods , hee compounds for them at his owne rate : all which hee doth by vertue of his Office , if there bee any vertue extant in it . A terrible pudder hee keepes with his repledges and distresses : the State could hardly subsist without such a grave ▪ Censor . Hee professeth more execution than judgement . A great portion of his discretion is incorporated in his Whi●…e staffe : which is as terrible to a yealous debter , as deaths head to an ●…surer . If hee attemper his Office with the balme of con●…ivence , it bindes an ample recompence . Next to whetting ones knife at the Counter-gate , I hold it the 〈◊〉 assay to affront him ▪ If you would gratifie him , a better turne you cannot doe him , than by turning Informer at the Sheriffs turne . Where , presentments of decayed wayes , But●… , Blood-sheds , with other enormities , are no lesse beneficiall to the publike state in their redresse , than to his private stocke upon the distresse . Notable cunning Terriers hee hath besides , of all sorts and sizes ; some to rouse and raise his game ; Others of lighter temper to have it in hot pursuit : the last sort on whom hee principally relyes , being stronger and stiffer , to cloze & grapple with his prey , and bring it downe . Thus hee sh●…wes himselfe every way more active than 〈◊〉 . Hee is of an excellent memory : for if you cannot remember your debts your selfe , hee will put you in mind of them . His head is many times full of Proclam●…tions , which , hee cannot rest , till hee vent . Hee would make a strange Secretarie , for hee will not sticke to cry at the Crosse , what hee heares . Hee tenders all serviceable observance to his Superiours , a kind of slight acquaintance to his equalls , but a disdainfull contempt to his inferiours . By helpe of some Law-presidents , he retaines the elements of that profession , which hee makes singular use of : though he●… bee no sworne Att●…rney , hee can accept grat●…ities in lien of fees ; and by meanes of his i●…bred ingenuity , alter the propriety of them . He is much conversant in the Statutes : imploying a great part of his time in an usefull exposition , or rather inversion of them . He would gladlybring in profit , and keepe him●…elfe within compasse of statute . This is the the highest pitch of knowledge , which his vocation calls him to : and this hee hopes conference and experience in time will bring him to . Authority is his sole Subterfuge in all his extremities : which ( by abusing his Author ) many times leaves him in his own hand . In the Subject of wr●…gs ; he is oftner active than passive . None can justly lay an aspersion on him , which hee hath not some underhand 〈◊〉 to take to . It is his constant Te●…et ; So long as the root holds untainted , the inferiour sprigs and si●… may bee supported : but when it growes shaken , the branches must needs suffer . So long as hee holds up his head , his Nits may finde harbour : but squeaze him , and and they are starv'd for ever . Hee yearely improves his place by some usefull proiect or other , which hee leaves as a Memoriall of his love , and argument of his wit to all succeeding Professors in that Cra●…t . He never serv'd as Apprentice to Plasterer or Mason , and yet hee knowes the craft of da●…bing ; and hee will lay it on before hee suffer disgrace . Crimes require Curtaines ; Spiders their ●…auls . Places of Office must be unct●…s if vici●…s . But service is no inheritance ; lest therefore in processe of time , either hee should grow wearie of his place , or his place of him ; like a provident Pismire , hee beginnes now in his Summer , to store up against wi●…ter . Fi●… and amercia●…ents must inhaunce his rents and hereditaments : for which he contracts now and then with the Clerke of the Market , whom he palpably guls , and consequently proves ; All Clerkes are not the wisest men . Such a parcell of ground buts neer him , and is an eye-sore to him : gladly would he have it , though the owner have neither mind nor neede to sell it . His braines must plot for this purchase ; and his witty Genius , after long plodding , hath found a way to supple him . Contempts , which this simple Snake never dream'd of , must be forth with levied . No interplea nor demurre will serve ; he must timely prevent the occasion , and remove the ground ( which is the ground-●…ork of his disquiet ) from him and his heires for ever , by accepting a low price to purchase his owne peace , and make the Vn●…ersheriffe his friend . Of two extreams the lesse is to be chosen ; thus s●…rues he himsel●…e i●…to every convenient bargaine . By this time , so important are his affaires at home , as they estrange him from employments abro●…d . His nimble f●…rrets must ●…ow b●…ome Pioners for their 〈◊〉 ; ●…ho coupes them , lest they should grow too fat to endure labour . Suppose him then , who was once a man in his time , and an experienc'd professant ; One , who had beene acquanted with most ●…rits except holy writ ; served Precepts many , but observed few ; retired like a Cricket to his Oven-mouth : where he warmes himselfe well without , having cold comfort to warme him within . During the whole progresse of his time hee was for gathering , the residue of his dayes hee be●…owes in disposing . Hopefull Cubbs he hath to conferre his hopelesse state on . No matter ; their ●…arth-resolving fathers fines make them fine ; his amerci●…ents cause them div●… deepe into the Mercers booke . Now the Webbe of his fading fortunes i●…terwoven with the injurious warp of dishonest practices , is to b●… divi●…d 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 i●… sh●…dds and 〈◊〉 . So mu●…h hee 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 ●…d h●…ire , wh●… 〈◊〉 ●…o 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 ●…irst and last of h●… 〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 to his second ; so much ●…o his ●…rd : with comp●… portio●… , to b●…tter his daughters proportion●… . Meane time , ( see the fatall overture of this wisemans providence ! ) He is called to an accompt before his time , ( yet all in due time ) for ar●…erages to the High-sheriffe his Master , and abuse of his place . His whole estate will hardly repay the st●… . Hee would gladly come off faire , and I cannot blame him : But his Pi●…ce road still at Harbour till now : an unexpected ●…mpest hath assailed him : And he ●…ust make speedy restitution for all his pillage . Hee could dispense well enough with Conscience , and gaine by the C●…ntract : but the misery of it is , hee findes himselfe now at last a prisoner and in bonds to the Sheriff●… ; whereby hee stands bound to keepe him harmel●…sse ( but well had it beene for his Countrey if he had prov'd so : ) which securitie is the argument of his T●…agedie . It w●…e not amisse that hee altered his Will , and ( though much against his will ) made his Mast●…r his sole Exec●…tor . It must bee so : Thus by prolling to get all , hee ha's fool d himselfe out of all : O●…ely , hee may goe with more peace to Earth , since hee ha's made so cleare account on Earth . It were a si●…ne to disq●…iet him , since hee 〈◊〉 his Quie●…us est with him . 21. A Wine-soaker IS an ingenious Engine , that runs on Wheeles . If one of the wits , he is a m●…rry Cricket , or a muddy Criticke ; a wittie waggish Brain●…-worme , and can solely hug a pot , as if it were his darling . He is mighty valiant , for he dare be drunke ; And desperate if hee bee challenged , for his weapons are pot-g●…ns . By this time hee hath called the Drawers rogues , with much facilitie , yet ( as hee is a true Northerne Blade ) joyes in their felicitie . And now , for it growes late , he hath had his Evening lecture , and trenching home , suppor●…ed by his friendly Impress●…r , makes every foote an Indenture . Hee calls the Scavingers wife familia●…ly 〈◊〉 ●…ough 〈◊〉 be as 〈◊〉 as o●… of 〈◊〉 ●…gher 〈◊〉 . 〈◊〉 , ●…rough 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 of , long 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 f●…ll ( if the Cell●… 〈◊〉 be open ) and unsealing hi●… eyes , seeing the consorts of iniquitie , cli●…ging close to a pot in the nooke of a Chimney , hee ●…owes himselfe thrice blest to have fallen into so sweete and sociable a Company . By this , hee falls further ; whence a P●…danticall 〈◊〉 starts up , and askes him ; What sayes th●… Pr●…phet ? And he answers ; H●… bade 〈◊〉 go●… seeke my fath●…rs Asses , a●…d having found them to 〈◊〉 againe . After him struts up a most Thrasonicall Thraskite , and askes him ; What saith th●… Calydonia●… Po●… : And hee answers , That the 〈◊〉 ●…f an Asse in the 〈◊〉 of a Cella●… , t●… an illiterate gull is a d●…licate 〈◊〉 . He loves sometimes ●…o take the ay●… , 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 strong b●…th th●… 〈◊〉 ●…ffords . Wh●…re h●…s 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 encounters with a 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , w●…ich sa●…kes his ●…all , make●… his 〈◊〉 c●…t 〈◊〉 E●…glish , his supporte●…s 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 thei●… pos●…ures , ●…nd 〈◊〉 da●…gerously . By this time his 〈◊〉 is heard , and ●…ow th●…s val - 〈◊〉 growne 〈◊〉 , ●…uld fig●…t i●… hee k●…w how 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 his sally out a door●… if he●… 〈◊〉 finde it . Ye●… he will out●… 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 ●…o rem●…die , a●…d stalke h●…meward , ●…hough it be la●…e 〈◊〉 ●…he 〈◊〉 . 〈◊〉 in 〈◊〉 ●…ay , 〈◊〉 he u●…happily ●…ll into ●… 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , hee tax●…h ●…he 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 la●… do●…res so 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 a●… 〈◊〉 time a ●…ight . Y●…t 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 if he can 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 i●… som●… bl●…de , Alley , hee terribly affrights the Passenger if hee meete any : For hee coasts here and there , as if it were Saint Anthonies fi●…e , or some ignis fatu●…s ; whereas , his cressetflaming nose is the sole incendiary of these Chymera's . Hee ha's a mightie desire to squabble with the Watch ; but the inarticulate motion of his tongue makes those illiterate R●…g-gownes thinke hee speakes Heathen Greeke . So as their compassion to a stranger , which they gather by his strange language , moves them to commiserate his case ; This gets him a Lanthorne and a conducter ; but for his lodging , he is nere a whit the nearer , for he ha's quite forgot his plantation . Thus th●…n like Hyppocrates twinnes walke these two coupled together , but secure from danger , for a watchmans Lanthorne is a Drunkards Supersedeas . Gladly would this frozen Centinell returne to his charge , and leave his luggage : but hee clings to him like the barke to the tree ; hee calls this goat-bearded Groome his Amaryllis , and hee will love her eternally . At last his A●…aryllis ( this officer I mean ) perswades him for want of a bed to take a nappe on a bench till the morning : but he ha's so much wit as to scorne advice , preferring this walke in his Gallery ( for so hee tearmes it ) before the repose in his pall●…t . It is a wonder with what extravagancies hee entertaines his conducter : who admires his l●…arning , if he were himselfe . By this , the blinde Lanthorne growes surfoot , sleepie , and thirstie ; along therefore with his zame ( like a night-roving Lazarell●… ) hee accoasts a Taphouse boldly , thumps stoutly , and by vertue of his au●… ●…ters couragiously . 〈◊〉 a dozen quencheth the Officious Salamanders thirst , ●…nd 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 ●…andring 〈◊〉 t●… 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 ; ●…here hee is left ●…o t●…e 〈◊〉 c●…re , or Drawers cure ; P●…r t●…e charge it is his , if hi●… coyn●… 〈◊〉 a●…swere : howsoever , a good 〈◊〉 never sham'd his master . 〈◊〉 ●… word , hee i●… in the Evening , what you shall not finde him in the Morning . Hee takes leave of th●… Draw●…r ▪ with a solemn●… salute 〈◊〉 i●…●…e were dyi●…g ; and so he is , for h●…e 〈◊〉 and dropp●…s downe d●…ad at the ●…nd of a reckoning . 22. A Xantippean IS a Scold in English. The wheele o●… her tongue goes with a perpetuall motion : yet she spits more than she speakes : and never spits but in spite . Shee is never lesse at ease , than when she is quiet ; nor better pleased , than when the whole family is displeased . Shee makes every place where shee comes , an 〈◊〉 , and rayles it about at her owne proper charge . She is never at quiet but when she is at rest , nor at rest , but when she is sleeping , nor then neither ; for purposely she awakes the house with a terrible fit of snoring . A Burre about the Moone is not halfe so certaine a presage of a tempest , as her Brow is of a storme . L●…urell , hauthorne , and Seale-skinne are held preservatives agai●…st th●…nder ; but no ●…ceite can bee found so soveraigne as to still het clamour . She makes such a pattring with her lips , as if she were pos●…st ; and so shee 〈◊〉 , with the spirit of cont●…ntion . She is wormewood in bed , and a Chafing-dish at boord . Shee cannot possibly take cold , for shee is ever in a heat . Shee holds no infirmit●… worse then to be tongue-●…de . She loves a good bit but hates a bridle . It is a wonder shee fell not fowle with the Priest , when shee was married . Many times since hath she cursed him , but hee feares no worfe . Methinks I see the creeping Snaile her husband , blesse him , as if there were Light ning , when hee comes in her presence . Shee ha's either quite forgot his name , or else shee likes it not , which makes her re-baptise him with names of her owne . Shee accoasts him with such fresh but furious encounters , as he sneakes away from her like a Tr●…ant from his Master . Hee is never more homely used than at home : so as to comfort his cold stomach , and encourage him all the better against his next encounter , he hath challeng'd a pot of Ale to enter lists with him in a single combat . The challenge is entertained , the field pitched , the weapons provided . Where , though the pot lose more blood , yet the Challenger gets the foile . Home hee would goe , if he could goe , but he must f●…st learne to stand before hee goe ▪ and so by holds till hee crawll home . M●…netime , suppose him now 〈◊〉 out his Indentures at le●…gth ▪ obse●…ving his recoyles and r●…treits , and spen●…ing halfe the night and more in his short Iourney . Moone-light he needes not , for hee hath a nose in graine to guide him , which , were his eyes matches , would quickly fire him . But see the strength of imagination ! While his crazie vessell is rowling homeward , a sudden panicke feare suggests to his phantasie ever working , the apparition of a spirit now approaching . Betwixt two wayes , perplexed with two mindes , he stands amazed ; feare bids him retire , and desire bids him go on . And so strange hath his resolution wrought with him , as he intends not onely to goe on his way , but to expostulate the case with this imaginarie Hoblin that bids him stay ; and thus hee encounters it , having first blessed him , to make him more suc●…ssive in the conquest of it : If tho●… beest a good spirit , thou wilt doe m●…e no harme , such is my affiance ; and if the Divell himselfe , thou hast ●…o reason to doe mee harme , for I married thy sister , and claime thy alliance . But this Spirit in a sheete , is presently transform'd into some sheepe , so as his feare ( if he had so much apprehension left him ) is to reflect more on his Spirit at home , than this in the way : for this was but seemingly visible , whereas that he goes to , will prove personally sensible . Hee findes her asleepe , but muttering words of revenge : which upon her awaking ( and long may it bee first ) shee makes shew of , by grinding he●… teeth , b●…ting her fist , and other outward tokens , fully to execute . All this while , hee sleepes soundly without rocking , till an unseasonable correction awake him . Now the Waspe is raised ; the horn●…t roused . Sure hee is to bee caperclawed ; Cap a pe , he hath ●…o sence for it . He must beare it off with he●…d and shoulders , and arme himselfe with patience , against all encounters . Every looke she darts is a lash to sco●…rge him ; Every Word she speaks is a wound to g●…ll him . — Non vox hominem sona●… , O Lea certe ! Happy were hee , if the World were rid of him , or hee of her . Gladly would hee reclaime her without shame , or disclaime in her his share : But as shee hates ever to admit of the former , so he despaires of the happi●…es to partake of the later . Sūdry distract●…d thoughts doe perplexe him ; sometimes hee thinkes verily , that this ill-agremēt betwixt them , proceds either from some ceremonie in his marriage negle●…ted ▪ or some circum●…e or other om●…tted , or that the ba●…es of 〈◊〉 were not dewly published , or sure in some point or other they were not rightly married . So as , gladly would hee ( if the orders of the Church would permit it ) bee remarried , to trie for once a conclusion , if hee cou●…d preuent his former disquiet , by an old ma●…riage new solemnized : but his Pastor smell●… his drift , and will by no meanes condescend to so irregular a motion : fearing ( by all likelyhood ) th●…t when hee commes to the giving of this woman to this man , he will not take her but leave her in his owne hand . But his indifferencie little troubles her : her onely feare is , that shee cannot picke quarrels enough to baste him : which afflicts her above comparison . If a●…y one reprove her for it , shee twitts them with ignorance , replying , she knowes better than they what is good for him ; and she seconds her assertion with naturall reading . If cudgelling be usefull to the Walnut tree , to make it fruitfull , a little correction seasoned with discretion , cannot do amisse to make her husband more dutifull . This causeth him to resolve some times of more violent conclusions : for hee thinkes with himselfe , how desperate sores must have desperate cures . He vowes therefore , to bring her in all disgrace to the Cucking-stoole ; and shee vowes againe , to bring him with all contempt to the stoole of repentance . Thus , tread he never so softly , this 〈◊〉 will turne againe . There is no humour ( so strangely is she humorous ) can affect her ; no conceit , how pregnant or present soever , delight her ; no company , how affable or sociable soever , content her . Shee is apt to interpret what shee heares , evermore to the worst sense . More captious than capable of offence . Impatient of any ones prayse . Attentive to the report of their disgrace . Onely ●…trong in will , which shee counterpoizeth with want of worth . All her neighbours blesse them from her : wishing this quotidian fever of her tongue cur'd with a raz●…r . She hath liv'd to a faire houre ; for wheresoe're she comes , shee may have the roome her selfe . She needes neither contend nor contest for priority of place , nor precedencie at table , nor opinion in argument ; her selfe serves for a whole messe , for her Gossips have left her . Well for all this , there is a meagre , rawbon'd shrimpe , that dare and will accoast her . He is not one of many words , though she be . But his will is his law ; which none can oppose , much lesse prevent , with price , prayer , power , or policie . Her unpeaceable tong●… must now bee bound to good behaviour ; a lasting silence must charme it . This her Neighbours heare , that shee is laid speechlesse , ( which assures them she cannot live long : ) to her therefore they repaire , to performe the last office of Christian charitie , and commend her ( with all their hearts ) to Earth , implying how weary they were of her company . Her funerall solemnity is the first day of her husbands Iubile : for all the wrongs she did him on Earth , she ha's made him sufficient amends now by her death . Howbeit , hee , on whom by generall suffrage of the Gods , the golden Tripode was first bestowed , and to whom our Zantipp●… was espoused , held that currish opinion of Timon fit to bee exploded ; who wish'd all Women suspended , blessing all such fruit , trees , as were so plentifully stored : to whose milder judgement I appeale ; clozing with the Poet. Curst bee the Tree which Timon blest , Curst be his hatefull vowes , Women were made in Bowers to hugge . And not to hang on Bow●…s . 23. A Yealous Neighbour IS an E●…ve-dropper . He would make an excellent Ratcatcher , for hee is creeping and sneaking in every corner . Though hee have no argument whereon to ground his credulous suspicion , his imagination suggests to ▪ him variety of matter , which serves for fewell to feele his distemper . The signe with him is ever in Aries , as hee is strongly conceited . The next yeare hee will bee a high-flyer , for hee is this yeare a Brancher . Hee dare not for an empire goe a hunting , lest his dogges take him for Acteon , and so worry him . His blood is foulely infected , which a●…yes him desperately with the yellowes . The Bird Galgulus hath first ey'd him , which makes him labour of an incurable Iaundise . Hee would pawne his estate for those two rings of Giges and Hans Carvile , but the latter hee holds fitter for his purpose , though the former might make him an invisible Cuckold . Hee lookes with a meagre complexion , which discovers his inward infection . Hee feeles not a pimpl●… in his forehead , which publisheth not his fat●… . Sometimes hee will expostulate his wrongs himselfe , and say ; Well ; what remedy ? I am neither the first nor last ; Patie●… shall be my plaister . M●…ane time , hee is as patient as a Waspe or an Hornet . Hee will scarce credit his owne eyes , when he sees nothing but actions of modesty : all which he imagins m●…re deceptions of sight ; purposely to gull his ignora●…ce , and guild s●… with a Saintly holinesse . He heares all that neighbour neare him , or resort unto him , say , They never saw Children liker their father ; and 〈◊〉 ( replies he ) no●… one of them al is like an other . He is a little Puritanically affected , the private conventicles hee affects not . Hee feedes his humour more with sh●…dowes than substance . Travaile hee would to the next market towne , in hope of profit ; but hee turnes backe before hee come halfe way there , to take her napping to his owne discredit . Hee is sometimes resolved to proclaime his shame , but hee feares by that meanes , hee shall increase his shame , and adde to the number of her acquaintance . How like a sillie man hee lookes in the presence of his wife and a proper attendant ? Wha●… a dejected eye hee casts upon himselfe , and how ●…lous he is of this strangers Count'nance ? He feeles , whether his eares go not through his Night-cappe ; and if his forehead beginne not to burgen . Hee bids his Apprentice looke to his foreman , and acquaint him with what hee heares or sees . Hee calls the Shoomaker impudent knave , for pulling on his wives shooe ; and offering to beate him , wisheth it were his Last : and that , as hee is ever working his owne ends , he may have a speedy end . Hee exclaimes grievously against her Body-maker , and inverting his name , calles him directly Baud-maker : he vowes to strip his Corporation starke naked , and lash him with Whalebone . Hee buyes his wives gownes ready made , fearing ( belike ) some false measure from the Tayler . In her presence he fetcheth a deepe sigh , semi-brev'd in these words : Well ; shee might bee honest , if shee had so much grace ; I have been held a proper man in my time . You shall find him by whole houres together eave-dropping under his Lettice , or peeping through a Key-hole , purposely to take her napping . Never man tooke more paines to adde fresh fuell to his affliction . Hee could wish with all his hart , that it were enacted by the whole house of Parliament for fornication to bee F●…lony . He hath solemnely vow'd , never to take journey when either the Signe is in Ari●…s , 〈◊〉 , or Capric●… . When the Lion banished all hor●…-beasts his Court , it was impossible for me ( saith he ) to turne Co●…rtier . Hee had some smattering in the Elements of all Learning , but hee ha's forgot all , and now like a Tr●… must turne back to his Horne-book●… . Thus he trifles out his time in the discovery of his owne sh●…me . He hunts all the day long from chamber to chamber : and lest Locks or boults might become a Supersedeas to shield her dishonor , he resolves to keep open-●…ouse to give more ayre to his Larder , though he suffer pillage for his labour . He hath la●…ly created a new Officer , who every evening cryes , H●…ng out your La●…thorne and Candlelight maids ; The Night is darke , and the entrie long ; timely preventions is the life of policy . With his wife sleeping and waking he keepes diapason ; he wakes till shee sleepe , lest she should give him the slip . His sleepes are shor●… and troubled : and when hee awakes , the first thing hee does , is seeking whether shee bee there or no. Hee lookes sometimes as if hee were affrighted ; but it is his owne 〈◊〉 that haunts him : yet were his wife all ●…pirit and no substance , he should be lesse affrighted . Hee dare not for a world looke himsel●…e ●… ▪ th glasse , lest he should eye his owne 〈◊〉 . He holds that a wife may ●…e her husband o●…e of the strangest 〈◊〉 in Europe . He 〈◊〉 he could sustaine nature without sle●…p , that he might take full●…r view of his wives nightwo●…ks . Hee is ●…ever lesse drunke with this distemper , th●…n when he is distempered with liquor : and then hee gives best opportunitie , but sees it not . He hath but lately stept into an office , and that one of the lowest in all his Ward , yet hee verily thinks that the whole Ward holds him for one of the headmen of their Parish . Store of Bisket , W●…fers and C●…eawayes hee bestowes at his Childs Christning , yet are his cares nothing lessned ; he is perswaded , that he may eate his part of this Babe , and never breake his fast . H●…e presents himselfe for a Gentleman-Ush●…r to his wife , when her humour is for taking the ayre : before whom he walkes most pedantically stoic●…ll , yet with a r●…cting eye , lest some fiend should steale away his Proserpina . In a word , his yealous minde , and his two suspicious eyes are the Hesperid●…s , his Wife the golden grove ; whose fruit is so mellow , as he feares it will fall before the time . It is in vaine to apply any receites to cure his malady ; no Vnicornes horne can poss●…bly helpe this poisouous infection . Suspition once grounded , and by continuance hardned , can scarcely by force of any argument bee removed . For all this , howsoever it fare with him touching his r●…ll estate , it thrives well with him in his p●…onall ; for hee ha's store o●… Cornucopia . He is by this time as weary of the world , as his wife is of him . He would gladly leave it , but there is something hee so dotingly loves in it , as he cannot find in his heart to forgoe it , unlesse along with him he might carry it . He knowes how to dispose of his goods , but not of all his moveables . He doubts another must possesse , what hee enjoyed with so much care : and jeere at his follies , whilest his Successour supplies his place . Hee would articulate with his wife , if hee had so much hope in her constancy ; or opinion of his owne deserts , to expect from her so much loyalty ; clozing his short-liv'd words with these passionate interbreaths ; Nay surely , I shall bee s●…one forgotten . Her protests cannot remove from him this conceite ; it were to no purpose therfore for her to promise what hee neither will beleeve , nor shee intends to performe . His eyes now begin to shroud themselves in their lodges . He hath by this disposed of all things that are in his power , even to that vessell of frailtie , his earth-reverting body , which ( according to his mind ) is to be buried in some Cell , Roach , or Vault , and in no open place , lest Passengers ( belike ) might stu●…ble on his grave . Meate for his funerall pye is shred , some few ceremoniall teares on his funerall pile are shed ; but the wormes are scarce entred his shroud , his corpse-flowers not fully dead , till this Yealous Earth-worme is forgot , and another more 〈◊〉 , but lesse yealous , mounted his bed . 24. A Zealous Brother IS a sure stake t●… his Sist●…r ; Hee sets forth in an Amsterdam print his faith and workes in two severall tomes , and in two different volumes ; the fi●…st in folio , the latter in Decimo Sexto . Hee is an Antip●…s to all Church government ; When shee feasts hee fasts ; when shee fasts ▪ hee feasts ; Good-Fryday is his Shrove-Tuesday ; Hee commends this notable carnall caveat to his family ; Eate flesh upon day●…s 〈◊〉 , it is good against Popery : He buyes a Blank-Almanack , to set downe his conventi●…le houres . Breach of promise with the 〈◊〉 , hee holds an indifferent err●…r , but with his Sister it is piacular . T●…ere is nothing so farre out of tun●… in his ●…are as Church-musicke . He keeps a 〈◊〉 quarter in his sinnefull Syn●…dalls , and denounceth an heauie woe upon all Wakes , Summerings , and Rush-bearings : preferri●…g that Act , whereby Pipers were mad●… 〈◊〉 by Act of Parliament , before any in all the Acts and Monuments . His Band is a Diminitive , but his chol●…r a Su●…erlative , if hee bee provok'●… ▪ Hee is so 〈◊〉 with i●…spiration , as he holds it a disti●…sting of the Spirit to use pr●…meditation . No spirit can affright him so much in any shape , as in the habit of a Sirpecloath . Hee ever takes the Crosse on his left hand , to avoid superstition . Hee ha's bountifull Benefactours , from whom hee receives weekely presents ; and they know his mind : Halfe Sacrifices are abhominable ; This faithfull Family is his Monopoly ; hee ha's ingross'd them to himselfe ; hee feedes on them , while hee feedes them . His frequent preaching leaves him no time to pray in ; He can stand better than he cā 〈◊〉 . Hee loves mix●… societies , and hee takes this from the Arke , where there was a Male and Female of every kind . Hee avoucheth , that learned Lilie most orthodoxally proved the undoubted necessity of matrimony in the presbytery , in his declination of hic & h●…c sacerd●…s . Hee holds his Mother tongue to be the Originall tongue ; and in that only he is constant , for he hath none to change it withall . Hee wonders how Babel should have such a confused variety of tongues , and hee understand but one . He never reades any Author , lest hee should bee held for an Apocryphall P●…stor . One would take him for an incessant Student by his pale visage and enfeebled body ; but the bent of his studies intends more the practick than Theorick . Hee is seldome or never constant to those Tenets he holds : which proving for most part scarce Orthodoxall , doe usually convent him : which makes him grow in great request with the purely-ignorant . Hee holds all Bonds bearing date at Lammasse , Michaelmasse , Candlemasse , or any Masse whatsoever , to be frustrate and of no effect ; but by changing masse into tide , they become of full force and vertue . Mattins and U●…spers hee holds two dangerous words ; hee loves not to heare of the●… . He maintaines equality in Presbytery ; but if the necessity of time be such , as a Superintendent bee requisite , his zealous followers hold none si●…ter to supply that place than hi●…selfe . For the decision of al doubts , difficulties , and differences hee makes a private family his revestry . Whatsoever tends to the doctrine of mortification , hee holds for Romish : abstinence therefore he avoucheth to be an error newly crept into the Church ; but if you put this Inter gatorie to him , in what time it crept , this weaklyread Depone●…t knoweth not . No season through all the yeere accounts hee more subject to abhomination than Bartholomew faire : Their Drums , Hobbihorses , Rattles , Babies , Ie●…trumps , nay Pigs●…nd ●…nd all are wholly I●…daicall . The very Booths are Brothells of iniquity , and distinguished by the stampe of the Beast . Yet under favour , hee will authorize his Sister to eate of that uncleane and irruminating bea●…t , a Pig , provided , that this Pig bee fat , and that himselfe or some other zealous Bro●…her accompanie her : and all this is held for authentick and canonicall . Though hee seeme all spirit , yet during his beeing in this Tabernacle of clay , he holds it fitting to have a little relish of the flesh . He preferres the union of bodies before the union of minds ; and he holds no unity worse than churchconformity . Hee conceives more inveterate hate towards the Church of Rome , than the temple of Mecha : and could finde with all his heart rather to embrace the traditions of the latter , than submit to the discipline of the former . His devotion consists rather in elevation of the eye , than bending of the knee . In his extemporall Se●…mons hee is a sonne of thunder , denouncing terror , but seldome hope of favour to the ●…jected si●…ner . This desperate 〈◊〉 hee continues , and holds them till night , and then leaves them Children of darkenesse . Hee thumps a pulpit pittifully , as if hee were angry ; but if hee be , it is with those onely that come short in their oblations . He baptizeth his Children with Scripture-names ; wherein onely hee shewes the depth of his reading . Yet in these hee mistakes miserably , for want of E●…ymology ; taking AMAN for AMON , DIANA for DINA . He holds one probable Tenet constantly ; That there are no walking Spirits on earth ; and yet he finds a terrible one at home : which all his Divinity cannot conjure . This hath made him sometimes , to have a months mind to go for Virginia , to save soules : till hee right wisely considered , how the enterprise was full of perill , and that hee wanted materialls to defray the charge of his Travell . Of all Sects of Philosophers , he cannot endure to heare of the Academicks ; for he never came amongst them . Of all metals , hee hates Latin : for hee hath heard how it was sometimes the Roman tongue ; and that cannot chuse but be Schismaticall . He feares no shot so much as that of the Canon ; for it injoynes him to that which he most hates , Conformity . Hee would beyond Sea , but his Duck will not swimme over with him : which makes him peremptorily conclude ; Shee is better fed than ta●…ght . Hee was once in election to have beene a Vice-verger in Amsterdam , but he wanted an audible voice . Howsoever , hee is holden a great Rabbi amongst his Brethren , whose weakenesse hee strengthens with perillous paradoxes : which when hee comes to explaine , hee as littl●… understands as his amazed hearers . He was pleased sometime to make so bold with affaires of State , Church-government , with otherlike Subjects farre above his verge , as a late asthma ha's taken him , and restrain'd him to a perpetuall silence . This makes his illiterate brutes to double their pensions for his maintenance ; and to idolize him the more , because taken notice of by the State. And now hee is altogether for his privat Lectures ; where he vents such unauthenticke stuffe , as it proves pregnantly from what spirit it comes . Hee now takes time to intend controversies , which he secretly commenceth amongst his owne Familists , against the Communion Book and Book of common Prayer . Anthems and Versicles he holds papisticall ; sundry other ●…xceptions hee finds no lesse criminall . But these quarrels become Conv●…ntuall , and he must answer them . In the end , the contemptiblenesse of his person , with the weakenesse of his fortunes , rid him out a bryers : while now , after so many alterations in matters of religion , he purposeth to have some little bartring with the world , be●…ore he goe out of it , lest his poore progeny curse him that ever he came in it . But truth is , he shewes the necessity of his 〈◊〉 in nothing so much as in w●…nt , which onely makes him out of love with the world , and gives him the true marke of a Schol●…r . Some he hath to provide for , if hee knew how : but hee must leave them , being abj●…cts through poverty , objects of charity ; yet ha's he no great reason to expect that his broode should partake of those good workes now after his death , which hee could never endure to heare so much as commended all his life . By this our C●…rnelius is become Tacitus , since hee dropt into his bathing-tubbe , where hee left his haire , and lost his honour : since which time , he is quite falne off from his zeal●…us Br●…threns favour : for the dampe of his life hath so darkened the light of his doctrine , as now for want of audience , hee may save himselfe a labour . Thus reft of friends , fortune , health and libertie , hee clozeth his Evening Lecture with a senselesse Lethargie . There is nothing now that troubles him so much in his sicknesse , as that the Bells shall ring for him after his death . Which to prevent , hee hath taken course with his Executour to give the Sexto●… nothing ; purposely to put the Bel●…rey to ●…ilence ▪ Some 〈◊〉 hee hath of his owne , who howle not so much that hee s●…ould leave them , as that nothing is left them . &c IS the most notorious Knave pickt out of all these : As 1. if under colour of Astrology , he practise the Art of Necr●…ncy . 2. If Nick Ballader contract with Bully Purser , to get him a base booty from a Ninny new●…om'd forth a Countrey . 3. If he abuse forraine States , and gull the Reader to cram his belly . 4. If he sharke where hee hath ●…ngag'd his heart , and prove disloyall to his fraternity . 5. If hee vent base ware with oaths , and improve his Exchange by perjury . 6. If he ra●…nge without his Pale , and make the country fo●…termother to his progeny . 7. If he professe himselfe honest , and publish himselfe Cheate upon discovery . 8. If o●…r H●…spitall-man pretend but zeale , and prize piety as the Miser hospitalitie . 9. If our I●…yler tyrannize over his Ten●…nt ▪ and triumph in his miserie . 10. If the Keeper neglect his soule , and prepare not for her deliverie . 11. If she wash her skinne , but 〈◊〉 her s●…ule , and so soile her inward beauty . 12. If he set too high a stamp upon his meta●… , and blanch his alleageance with colour of Al●… . 13. If our 〈◊〉 halt betwixt two , and slight his conscience for worldly policy . 14. If to save his provender , he set a●… artificial edge on a strangers Palfrey . 15. If hee furnish his Poster with a foundred Hackney . 16. If what hee collects in the Ward , he convert to himselfe and his Meniey . 17. If hee out-brave his best friends , and slave himselfe to any villany . 18. If he row without feare to gaine h●…m a f●…re , and hazard a passengers safety . 19. If hee travaile to novellize himselfe , and not to benefit his Country . 20. If to enrich his retchlesse progeny , he care not much to begger the whole County . 21. If hee drinke till he rore , and roring uncivilly wrong himselfe ●…nd his company . 22. If hee scold till shee scare her husband , make him debauch himselfe , and abandon his family . 23. If hee proclaime himselfe a Monster causelesly , and brand his posterity with the odious marke of bastardy . 24. If his hollow heart display him for a counterfeit , and his painted zeale taxe him of hypocricy . If so or so , know , that such an one is an A perse A for knavery ; whose Comick beginning shall cloze his dying Act with a Tragick Catastrophe . So good night to all the foure and twenty . FINIS . A CATER-CHARACTER , throwne out of a Boxe By an Experienc'd Gamester . — Ova prognatus ab uno . 1. An Apparator . 2. A Painter . 3. A Pedler . 4. A Piper . LONDON , Imprinted by F. K. and are to be sold by R. B. 1631. DEDICATED AND DEVOTED BY CLITVS — ALEXANDRINVS , TO HIS NO LESSE HONOVRED THEN ENDEARED , Sr. ALEXANDER RADCLIFFE , KNIGHT OF THE BATH . A CATER-CHARACTER , THROWNE OVT OF A BOXE By AN EXPERIENC'D Gamester . An Apparator IS the usher of a Gho●…t in a white sh●…ete . He tels you of that , which hee himselfe seldome or never rememberstill , his end , Summons . He can most pragmatically discourse of the Subject of p●…nnance , but findes no time to apply the use u●…to himselfe . Honesty were a maine prejudice to his practise : which makes him hold that acquaintance of most weight , whose conversation is most light . Circumspect you must be in your words , howsoever you expresse your selfe in your works : for his eare lyes ever open for advantage : which hee will advance in a publike Court , with a frontlesse impudence . His conscience is a Delphian sword , and will cut both wayes : yet annoint him ; and you berust him , and consequently charme him for being so glad in the sheath . Hee can tell you of a way how to do●… you good , and it is in his hand , so hee be capable of your gold . He ha's a plaister in store for a debauch't credit ; and can mince a pennance with his familiar acquaintance . Protests he ha's , and store of them ; he will bee your friend , and your fee shall binde him . He can winke as well as see , and distinguish of your guilt by your guild . This makes him ever goe partiall-guilt , holding it an inseparable appendice to his place , to ayme at his owne particular , and by it procure the peccants peace : His ordinary Dialect is the thundring out of Canons to the vulgar , whose honest simplicity begets in them wonder : which thawes and resolves it selfe into admiration , to observe the fearefull depth of the man. Yet so wise hee is , as one truly conscious of his owne ignorance , hee can cri●…ge low to a knowing presence , and rellish a submissive reproofe for his connivence . He carries still his Ephem●…rides ab●…ut with him , which he dayly enlargeth with Scandals a●…d defamations . The best report that comes to his eare , is the ill report of his Neighbour : which he seemes sorry for ; mea●…e time out of his feigned sorrow , he really discovers his neighbours shame . Hee usually takes more strict notice of Christenings than burials , and is better vers'd in their filiations , than if he were Overseer for the Parish . Hee might bee Truth by his true search , for hee lyes lurking in ev●…ry corner . It were his breaking for the age to bee vertuous ; his vailes are the vices of the time ; which he vowes to ferres , and so turnes Conycatcher . A pestilent head-peece hee ha's to blow up Suburbane Traders : with whom hee trucks , if they feare to bee fruitfull : for others , their sterility hath procured them free licence . Hee is the very scourge of the time , and were the time better he would scourge himselfe . Revenues are good mens vertues ; but his stocke h●… ▪ s no such dependance : light weights are his subsistence . An ignorant Curat is his patient ; whose purpose is the subject of his phlebotomie . Bleede hee must , or hee dyes . The neglect of his cure , is the object of his care ; yet cannot this poore Curat doe him a greater injury , than labour reformation of this malady . Hee domineers bravely in his place , as if it were his Chappell of ease : meane time , he is as timerous as the ●…are , lest his clandestnie contracts breede him harme . In a word , he is the safest , that knowes him laest ; but if knowing , he is securest that knowes him best . Braves cannot affront , where knowledge hath already arm'd . Let him appeare then , in ●…hat portriature or posture he will , he cannot dismay where knowing resolution is forewarn'd of his strength . His Reading is his practise ; Nor of all others , needes hee any Choake ; for want of ready pay is the generation of his Subpena . It were great pitty he should want friends , hee is so obsequiously observant unto his owners : yet those that are knowne to him most , are affectionately beholden to him least . He complaines of the iniquitie of the age ; but were it better , hee were worse . He ha's a Catalogue of abuses , which hee makes his morning , meridian , and evening orisons . If he can be so happy as to adde to their score , it inhanceth his state : which procures his seldom - 〈◊〉 Heire an Apparators 〈◊〉 , when he is gone . Long time ha's hee beene an instrument of discovery touching abuses of the Church : yet none i●…formes of him , whose President is the worst : Hee ha's so choakt his accusers with shreads and parcels of broakt Civilian latine , as they are gravell'd , and hee in the opinion of the illiterate , graced . By this , hee ha's perform'd his place with generall approbatio●… : and now hee is to bee Apparator for himselfe . This hee so much the more feares , as he was the more unprovided for it before it came . It were well for him , that he might finde a proxi , to discharge his place : but his conscience summons him to a personall apparance . Bequeath his goods he may , which his Executors enjoy ; but the occasion of their joy , is his griefe . L●…ve l●…nger he would , but the world saies he ha'●… liv'd too long . ●…rience hath ta●…ght him so much , as the ripe●…esse of his si●…e hath raised him to that height , as hee can mount no higher . He must of necessity then leave his place to a Novice to succeede him : while he , poore man , becomes Apparator for himselfe . His summons are given , his shrowde , the remainder of his conniving f●…es , prepared ; his Sexton stayes at the holemouth , and will not bouge a foote , till this old Fox be ea●…thed . A Painter IS a face-maker ; and the worst in all his shop is his owne . He can never hold his hand from the Table , which proves him a true Englishman ; for he cannot leave it when it is well . By a speciall priviledge granted to his Art , hee ●…xerciseth Martiall Law , and hangs and drawes within himselfe : wherein hee observes a legall and lineall method in his forme of ex●…cution : he drawes first , and hangs afterwards . Sometimes hee will play the egregious flatterer , and bestow more gracefull beauty on your face , than ever nature gave you , and so gull you . He lookes on you as if hee would looke through you , when h●…e draw●…s you : yet he shewes you a kinde of Barber-obeisance , being content to stand ▪ while you sit . He is a partiall Artist : he will portray a man of note for nothing ; but b●…ing obscure , a Cat of Mount sh●…ll receive more curtesie from hi●… Pencile , than a nobler Creature . He is not intangled much in law ; yet he 〈◊〉 now and then to Westminster , where hee practiseth upon grave 〈◊〉 , & makes faces , and this hee liv●…s by . Hee will not abate you an hair●… , if he be exquisite ; having none , he will supply the want of that excrement with a curious shadow , and so procure an artfull ornament . He observes small method in the ranking or disposing of his painted creatures : A La●…y and a Monkey may stand cheeke by joule one with the other . Nothing so much angers him , as to have dirt thrown on his picture ; and yet the m●…terials of it are of no better temper . Hee sometimes playes the witty Satyrist , and displayes light Tweakes in loose roabes ; bu●… draw them out with Po●…kes on their h●…ads , he will not , for that would darken his Art. Hee ha's an a●…tificiall veile for all his d●…formities ; and can make the ugliest Hagge ●…nlike her s●…lfe , purpos●…ly to make her like her s●…lfe . His judgement consists not in Pul●…e but Phy●…nomy . There is nothing hee undertakes , but he ha's some colour for it . He ha's Pomatum and other rare confections to allay the inflamation of a cind●…rous face ; and yet a Saint Antoni●…s fire constantly sparkles in his owne . When hee paints a shoulder of mutton , his teeth water , wishing with all his heart , he could infuse substance into the picture . Hee can Zeuxeslik●… , though not like Ze●…xes ▪ paint Grapes , but the fowle that takes them for liv●…ly , deserves 〈◊〉 name . He can accommodate his portraiture with a true garb ; Hobs●…n the Carrier must have his picture , with his hand in his bag to designe his Condition . He make●… the ●…ye of his feature , a light g●…dding creature ; for it reflects on every corner . He miserably abuseth the Nine Wor●…hies , both in their postures , P●…lfreys and 〈◊〉 : but pres●…ription pleades excuse beyond exception . The Nine Muses are much misused ; The ●…ree Graces ungraciously handl●…d . By all which it appeares , he assumes to himselfe a Po●…ticall l●…ence , alb●…it hee never attained to the freedome of that Company . He holds a Paint●…rs lib●…rtie to b●…e of equall authoritie to the highest profess●…nt of Poetry ; but his pencile must vaile to their P●…n . Ignorance , which originally hatched this conceit , being retain'd to defend his cause , replyes ▪ The Painter knowes not what the 〈◊〉 meane . Fantas●…s are his features , and their ●…ffigies the Embrio of his braine . Whence it is , that ●…ll those ancient Heroes become his Proteans . Neither is hee onely familiar with these : for h●…e will make no lesse bold in missh●…ping the Patriarchs , by reserving one beard in store for a whole Tribe . Hee receives upon trust some Chronicle stories , both Divine and Humane ; which ( p●…esupposing him to bee of eminent employment ) hee makes use of in Pageants , Chimney-peeces and Bay-windowes . But if he bee of no frequent custome , he trudgeth with a trusse of colours on his back downe to the Countrey ; where most humbly complaining , hee prostrates his Art and industry at the feet of a most vigil●…nt Church-warden : By whose wisedome if he be entertained , that the Church may be beauti●…ied , and his intolerable Art discovered ; he belards the walles with monstrous false English : for which , if at any time hee receive reproofe , hee returnes this answer ; He could paint better , but th●… Countrey will not bee at the charge of good English. And if you seriously aske him , where hee had those sentences , hee will with no lesse impudence than prophanenesse tell you , they are foolish conceits of his owne . Now and then he is imployed at Funerals , which he performes most pi●…ifully . His ●…noyl'd colours fall off like other mourners : his horse-gold displaies the integrity of the Artist . If hee be so ambitious , as to fixe his lamentable Elegy on the Hearse , his leane lines fall so slat , and cloze in such unjoynted cadencies , as they ever redound to his shame . But in these , as they are a spheare too high for his imployment , he is r●…rely vers'd . My Lord Maiors day is his Iubile , if any such inferiou●… Artist be admitted to so serious a solemnity : If not , Countrey presentments are his preferment ; or else hee bestowes his pencile on an aged peece of decayed Canvas in a sooty Alehouse , where M●…ther Red cap must be set out in her colours . H●…e hee and his barmyHostesse draw both together , but not in like nature ; She in ale , h●…e in ●…yle . But her commoditi●… goes better downe , which he meanes to have his full share of , when his worke is done . If she aspire to the conceite of a signe , and desire to have her birch-pole pull'd downe , hee will supply her with one ; which hee performes so poorely , as none that sees it but would take it for a Signe hee was drunke when he made it . A long consultation is had , before they can agree what Signe must be rear'd . A Meere-m●…ide , sayes shee , for that will sing Catches to the Youths of the Parish . A Lyon , sayes he , for that 's the onely Signe that he can make . And this he formes so art-lesly , as it requires his expression : This is ●… Lion. Which old E●…lenor Rumming , his Tap dame , de●…ies , saying , It should have been a Meere-maid . Now and then hee turnes Rover , and bestowes the height of his Art on Archers stakes . Sundry Whimzi●…s hee ha's in his head , but of all others there is none that puzzles him so much as this one : Hee ha's a speciall handsome Master-peece ( for so he termes her ) and is so jealous of her , a●… when any one inquires for his picture , hee simply mistakes himselfe , and shewes them Act●…on . Gl●…dly would he cure this in●…red malady with the secret receipt of an It●…lian s●…curitie , could 〈◊〉 A●… contrive it , or his state pro●…ure it . Well , so it is , that hee who tooke the d●…aught of others , and liv'd by it , must now leave that Trade , for Death hath drawne him out to the full body . His chiefe Master-Artists imprese was this : No day without a line : but now the last line of his life is drawne . If hee dye well , it i●… more than hee did all his life time . His memory seldome survive●… him : being now the Image of Death , as hee was before a living picture . A Pedler IS a m●…n of Ware. A wandring St●…rre ; O●…e , whose chiefest ●…ommerce is with Country Wen●…es . The materials of their truck●…ng are of his part , Pinnes , Ribbons , a●…d Laces ; of theirs , Cony-skins , Lambe-skinnes , and Feathers ; for Marrow-bones , their honest si●…plicity never knew the operation o●… them . What doe yee l●…cke , is his ordinary Intergatory ; yet you may lac●… many things , ere he can supply you . Pepper doe ye want , ●…d he will p●…pper it for you ; He ●…ill sell you clots for Clov●…s , cou●…se crumm●…s for Currans , Orpine for Saffron , and ●…ompound your pepper with his Earth-pouder , to gull you . It were a strange disease , that his fardell cannot cure ; blessed bee his Genius ! hee ha's a receit to cure any one from breaking , but himselfe : and this is the least hee do●…bts , for his P●…pouder Court is his onely te●…ror . He is no ●…choler , yet turning Rope-maker , hee drawes stron●… lines ; which draines more from C●…rdener than Philosopher . It is a prety thing to observe how hee carries his Trinkilo's about him : which m●…kes the Countrey Choughs esteeme him a man of prize . A Countrey Rush-bearing , or Morri●…e Pastorall , is his festivall : if ever hee aspire to plum ▪ porridge , that i●… the day . Here ●…he Guga-g●…les gi●…gle it ●…ith his 〈◊〉 nifles : while hee sculkes u●…der a B●…h , and showes his wit never till then , in admiring their follie●… . H●… ha's an obscene vei●…e of Ballatry , which m●…kes the Wen●…hes of the Greene laugh ; and this purchaseth him , upon better acquaintance , a posset or a Sillibub . Hee is ever removing his tents : and might bee complain'd of for non-residence , if his informer could gaine ought by'●… . The Tinker of Turvie cannot put him downe at long-staffe : Which hee could finde in his heart to employ for high-way receits , if his white liver would give him leave . Would you have a true survey of his family , and number them by the pole ? you shall fi●…de them subsist of three heads : Himselfe , his Truck , and her Misset . Where the last weares , commonly , the sleakest skinne . Hee might bee a good ma●… by the Philosophers reason : for Every place is his country : and generally least trusted in his owne . His Atlantick●… shoulder●… are his supporters : if they faile , his revenues fall . His judgement consists principally in the choice of his ware , and place of their vent . Saint Martins Rings , and counterfeit Bracelets are commodities of i●…finite consequence : these will passe for current at a May-pole , and purchase a favor from their May-Marian . One would take him for some appendice of a Souldier , by his Lether , but you shall find as much valour in his Hamper . There is nothing so much disheartens him as the report of a Pr●…sse : this makes him stirre his stumpes : but if that will not serve , he turnes Counterfeit Crippl●… , and as one cut off by the stumps , he cants his maimes most me●…hodically : and this practice hee most co●…stantly retaines till the coast be cleare . Sometimes he co●…sorts wi●…h his Bungs : and these keepe Centinell neare his Booth , to take notice of a 〈◊〉 prey ; which purchase makes the sile●…t Evening in some blind A●…ley , or place of knowne 〈◊〉 , the divider of their prize . He 〈◊〉 a certaine Catalogue of al●… the principall Faires : where , though he have little to vend , he can find some way or other to bring i●… a booty . He will not sticke to pretend , for want of better supply , an extraordinary skill in Physick : and so turnes most impudent dogmaticall Quacksalve●… . What transnaturalized Elixers will this mercenarie Mountebanke produce to delude the vulgar : All which hee findes experiments of usefull consequence , till the whipstock waine him from his practice . It were wonderfull this generall Artist should not thrive , having so many irons i' ch fire . Yet he findes himselfe in nothing so constant as in matter of estate being for all his endeavour neither worse nor better , but just as hee was at first , a direct beggar . Now , should you a●…ke him the reason : hee will tell you , one of his calling cannot bee honest and thrive too . If hee could have faced and outfac'd truth , set a deceitfull glosse on his adulterate w●…res , or dispencd with oaths to beget Cu●…tome , his Pack had beene a storehouse of rich commodities before this time : but making conscience of his de●…ling , was his maine undoing . Thus would hee make you credulously beleeve that he were seaz'd of what he never had , nor shuld he live longer , would ever have . Well , something hee would gladly leave the young Hamperman , his hopefull heire , whom he fur●…isheth , to expresse his love , for want of better fortunes , with the improved example of his life . He shewes him in a Landskip the whole Modell of his Pedler ▪ p●…grimage , with whom he may to his much benefit securely truck ; and on whose sun ●…licity hee may most usefully worke . He tells him some mysterious secrets , which he never durst till that houre discover , lest they should have prevented him of a naturall death . Now hee is to leave the world , and to his successors grie●…e , to leave nothing unto him in all the world . His fathers empty hamper is his sole patrimony . Truth is he sh●…wd great improvi●…ence i●… the course of hi●… li●…e , not to leave one poore knot o●… blacke ribbo●… , to display his tr●…de , and beget a few seeming mourner●… . B●…t his comfort is , he dies cn●…ven boord . His Ex●…cutor ( if any such minister bee 〈◊〉 ) may thanke God for his wan●… of Credit , for it kept him out of debt . Well ; now hee is to trace no more the mountaines nor vallies ; this merry mate is now turn'd grave ma●… . His funerall Obits are soone solen : nized . Next day at the longest , his t●…arefeigning widow cnters new commerce ; and hopes to aspire to a ioynture e●…e shee dye . His sonne , as one retentive of his fathers memento'●… , t●…aceth his pathes ; lives in as honest name and fame as his Predecessor did : and that hee might resemble his father in fortune as well as same , hee dyes neither much indebted by reason of credit , nor leaves much owing him by those with whom he traded . And so for altogether have they joyntly shut up their Hamper . A Piper IS a very droane , ever soaking and sucking from others labours . In Wakes , and Rush-bearings he turnes flat rorer . Yet the Youths without him can keep no true measure . His head , pipe , and leg hold one consort . He cannot for his hanging fit himselfe to any tune , but his active foote or great toe will keepe time . Hee is never sober , but when hee is either sleeping , or piping : for his repast partakes too much of the pot , to keep him sober in his feeding . He is generally more carefull how to get a coate for his Pipe than his child . And a ●…ibband hung in his Chamber drawes him into an overweening humour and hono●…r of ●…o musicall a savour . Hee might bee not altogether improperly charactred , An ill wind that begins to blow upon Christ masse eve , and so continues very lowd and blustring all the twelve dayes : Or an airy Me●…eor composd of flat●…ous ma●…ter , that then appeares and vanisheth to the great peace of the whole family , the thirt●…enth day . His St●…tors voice 〈◊〉 it self to the expression of a largesse upo●… receit of the least benevolence . Hee deserves not his wench , that ●…ll not p●…y for her dance . Hee is ●… dangerous instrument in the Common wealth ; for drawing together routs and riotous assemblies : yet so long as they dance after his pipe , there can bee intended no great perillous project of state . Since h●… was enacted Rogue by Parliament , hee ha's got hold of a shamelesse tunelesse Shalme to bee his consort , that the statute might take lesse hold of his single quality . And to grace it the more , he ha's shrowde●… himself with the inco●…porate reverence of a pye-colour'd livery . Yet it is to be feared that the Snake must ere long , lose his slough ; for either his vailes faile him , or he falls from his vailes . A continued practice of his prosession hath brought him to that perfection , as hee can pipe when hee cannot speake : so as , his C●…anter becomes his interpreter , and performes the thankfull office of a true Servant , in speaking for his mute Master , who cannot speake for himselfe . Hee is oftner out of tune than his pipe ; yet never plaies better voluntari●…s than when he is drunke . In one respect , he may be compared to a downe-right Satyrist : he will not stick to play upon his best friends . He infinitely preferres his art before all other mecha●…icks : yet all the meanes of his gettings is but from hand to mouth . The most dissorting Comp●…ion for his humor , is the Ti●…r for hee is a metall man , which the Piper is not : Besides , they are so unsociably affected to their liquor ; as it is death to them to drinke to one another ; yet the nooze of the law oft●…imes reconciles them , when it injoynes them to hang both together . Hee is of an invincible strong breath , whereof hee leaves usually in the blast of his pipe such a vaporous and vicious steeme , as it would go neare to poyson any Creature but a Piper . Hee suites himselfe to the seasons of the yccre , wherein if his honest Neighbour partake of any be●…efit , h●…e expects his musicall share . And to winde him the more in his love , without which hee cannot live , every distinct time must bee accommodated to a severall tune . Hee ha'sa straine to inchant the sheepheard in his shearing ; an other for the husbandman in his ●…eaping ; in all which hee ha'sa peculiar priviledge for gleaning . Sundry corners hee reserves in his k●…apsack for these neighbourly bounties , which in short time , by prescription , become customarie to him , and all his lineall succcssor●… of the same Science , after him . I●… his bonny Blouze , or dai●…ty doxie , being commonly a collapsed Tinkers wife , or some high way commodity , taken up upon trust , demand of him supply , after these numerous in-comes , hee bids her goe pipe . For his bed , hee leaves it the soonest , and goes to it the latest . Hee is injoy●…ed by his place , to rise early , rore highly , and ●…ouze the whole family . So as , his pipe may be properly tearmed the instrumentall cause both of their rising and his owne . He is no constant dweller , and yet he is no shifter . All he reedes , he puts into his pipe : Which consisting of three notes , breaks out into a most vociferous Syllogisme . He will be heard at Ho●…se-races ; where it makes him infinitely proud , if the Horse will but vouchsafe to lay his nose to his droane . This so transports him , as it makes him think himself worthy to be recorded in those musicall aires or annals of Orpheu●… and Arion , who made beasts follow them . Which hee doth dayly , for his Doxy dogs him . Being weary of the Country , or shee rather weary of him , hee dives into some Suburban or Citty-cellar , where hee rores like the Divell in a vault . Heere hee deepely inhanceth his Cellar-rents , if hee had grace to keepe them : but truth is , whatsoever hee draines from the four corners of the City , goes in muddy taplash downe Gutter-lane , and so sinks down into P●…ier alley . So he get his morning draught , which ends about midday , at the soonest , hee stands not much upon breakefast : Neither indeede will his vailes finde supply both for thirst and hu●…ger . This sauce-●…eam'd Porcupi●… , when his veines b●…gin to warme , will b●…e many times monstrously mal●…pert , which purchaseth him a beating with much patience . You may breake his head as good cheape , as any mans in Europe . If his Prugge aspire to so much stock or so great trust , as to brew to sell ; hee will bee sure to drinke up all the gai●…es . Hee will not sticke to runne on score with a score , so h●… may have credit : but when they come for their coine , hee solicits some longer time , and payes them home with a tune : T is merri●… when malt-men meete . But th●…y may pipe small e're they mee●…e with their money . By this , his holy bush is pulled downe , which proclaimes him ba●…kerupt : by which meanes , he may most politickly compound upon i●…fferent tearms with his Malt-worms ▪ Thus are his fortunes no perpetu●…tie : An ill winde bla●…s them : being commonly , ligh●…ly got amongst nimble heel'd fooles , and lewdly spent amongst heavie headed knaves . His vocatio●… is no peculiar station , but a roving r●…creation . There is no m●…n will more sufficiently sit downe to eat , nor more cheerefully rise up to play than himselfe . To keepe him company , and free him of th●…t , which his leaden conceit is seldome capable of , melancholy , he wisheth no other associate than a Iack●…napes , or a Iolly 〈◊〉 : wherein it is his highe●…t straine of studie to accommodate his Ape with a guarded Coate , and so foole his spectators out of their coine . He dies a sound man and merrily , for hee dyes a Piper , but no good death , for hee hath played away his time . Hee could finde in his heart to pipe longer , but his winde failes him , which makes him play his lastgoodnight . His wealth may appeare by his 〈◊〉 which containes the over worne remains of a Motley Livery , a decayed Pipe-bagge , and halfe a shirt ; all wh●…ch , without his Neighbours chari●…y , will scarce amount to the purchase of a sheete . FINIS . CLITVS retire ; Waste no more oyle on these , No care can cure a desperate disease : Should'st write as much of ev'ry bas●… profession , Europe would bee too strait for that Impression . Meane time , these Swaine●… may on the Plaines goe breath them , For thou hast left a Curious Piper with them . CLITVS HIS GENETHLIA Vpon the Birth-day of his Sonne IOHN . Vagi●…ndo ●…allem intramu●… , Suspirando relinquim●…s . With shreekes we live , and with a sigh we die ; Thus live we , die we , griefe is ever die . GOd blesse thee IOHN and make thee such a●… one , That I may ioy in calling thee my Son. Thou art my Ninth , and by it I divin●… That thou shalt live to love the * Muses nin●… , And live by loving them : for it were fit A younger Brother had an Elder wit. Thou maist be Gamester , or what trade thou'ls choose , For much I shall not leave my Boy to loose ; And that 's fit'st for a Gamest●…r : but bee sure ●… addresse thy care upon thin●… inwardcure . " Be honest , and thou canst not want a friend , " Neither before thine end , nor in thine end . Three things THREE VOVCHERS for thee undertake , The WORLD , FLESH , DIVEL , th●…u must quite for sake ; And so I hope thou wilt : to th' WORLD I show thee , But thy poor fortune 's such , she will not know thee . And for the FLESH , ev'n Nature must permit That it be given t●… thee , e're thou to it . Now for the DIVEL , he ha's so much to doe With roring boyes , hee 'l sl●…ght such Babes as tho●… : Yet be not too s●…cure , but put him to'●… , For hee 'le play at small game , e're hee sit out . Th' e●…crease of thy Revenues is but small , Looke ●…o thy Braines , poore IOHN , for that is all . A better Legacie I have not for ●…ee , Vnlesse thou dye , and I sing Di●…ges o're thee : By which I should collect , thou wer 't bu●… LENT me , As thou wast neare that time by Nature sent mee : B●…ing onely sh●…wne on Earth , but to abst●…e From ●…inne on Earth , and turne to earth again●… ▪ And so shouldst ●…hou rise high , by vading hence With a sweete smile , in state of innocence . This is my cloze ; " Short be thou or long liver , " Live well , my Boy , " that thou maist live for ever . FINIS . An Alphabeticall Table of the Characters . AN Almanack-maker . A Ballad-monger . A Corranto-coiner . A Decoy . An Exchange-man . A Forrester . A Gamester . An Hospitall-man . A Iayler . A Keeper . A Launderer . A Metall-man . A Neuter . An Ostler . A Post-master . A Quest-man . A Ruffian . A Sailer . A Traveller . An Vnder-sheriffe . A Wine-soaker . A Xantippean . A Yealous Neighbour . A Zealous Brother . &c. Or The Egregious'st Pimpe of a●… this debauch't order , with a briefe but free cens●…re , of their nature , nurture , and number : Closing With the Supply of a CuriousCountrey-Cater-Character , to supple the rig●…r of the roughest Censor . Vpon the Errata's . As there ●…ee Characters ●…f Errors , be●…rrors ●…rrors incident to Characters . These , be they literall or materiall , it is in th●…e , Reader , to make them veniall . In Epist. to Reader , lin . 25. for fo●…r , reade firmer . p. 36. l. 11. f. shoope , r. shoppe . p. 53. l. ●…0 . f. imitation , r. ●…itiation . p. 55. l ●… . f. & ▪ r. at . p. 57. l ▪ 6. f. as , r. an . p. 69 ▪ l. 11. f. fail'd , r. ●…aile . p. 77. l. 6 ▪ f. ●…unne , r. Summe . pag. 80. lin . 5. for Surely , read Surly . p. 174. lin . 18 ▪ for feares no worse , r. fares no ●…se . p. 188. l. 6. f. the , r. yet . p. 186. l 9 for feele , r feed . p. 205. l ▪ 7. f. alterations , ●… ▪ altercations . p. ●…10 . l 23. f. hee , r. s●…ee . Second Part. Pag. 5 lin . 16. f. clandestnie , r. cl●…ndestine . In the Genethlia , l ▪ 8. f. die , r. ni●… . Notes, typically marginal, from the original text Notes for div A16687-e1140 A 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 . 〈◊〉 procul●…●…strts Timonia ficus ab h●… , 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 ramis sacta se●…cta 〈◊〉 . 1. Almanack-maker . 2. Ballad-monger . 3. Corranto-coiner . 4. Decoy . 5. Exchange-man . 6. Forrester . 7. Gamester . 8. Hospitall-man . 9 Iayler . 10. Keeper 11. Launderer . 12. Metal-man . 13. Neuter . 14. Ostler . 15. Post-master . 16. Quest-man . 17. Ruffian . 18. Sailer . 19. Traveller . 20. Vndersheriffe . 21. Wine-soaker . 22. Xantippean . 23. Yealous Neighbour . 24. Zealous Brother . Notes for div A16687-e23380 〈◊〉 dr●… ▪ ming Dro ●…ne pl●… the grand i●…postor ; hi●… m●…rry chante●…●… meer●… inc ban●…r ▪ ca●…sing peopl●… to 〈◊〉 in a r●…ng , as if he bad r●…sd the div●… 〈◊〉 a circl●… . Notes for div A16687-e26550 Na●… est xix . Feb A●… D●… . 1630. * Musa 〈◊〉 , Natura nov●…m pul●… pr●…lem Exhib●…it , 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 . Notes for div A16687-e27630 ●…lias 〈◊〉 , Ilium ●…orum .