Rich. Flecknoe's ænigmatical characters being rather a new work, than new impression of the old. Flecknoe, Richard, d. 1678? 1665 Approx. 125 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 61 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2004-03 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A39707 Wing F1214 ESTC R2089 12129520 ocm 12129520 54697 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A39707) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 54697) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 594:2) Rich. Flecknoe's ænigmatical characters being rather a new work, than new impression of the old. Flecknoe, Richard, d. 1678? [2], 118 p. Printed by R. Wood, for the author, London : 1665. Reproduction of original in Huntington Library. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. Gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. EEBO-TCP is a partnership between the Universities of Michigan and Oxford and the publisher ProQuest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by ProQuest via their Early English Books Online (EEBO) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). 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Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng Characters and characteristics. 2003-08 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2003-09 SPi Global Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2003-10 Rina Kor Sampled and proofread 2003-10 Rina Kor Text and markup reviewed and edited 2003-12 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion R. Rich. Flecknoe's AENIGMATICAL Characters . BEING Rather a new Work , then new Impression of the old . LONDON , Printed by R. Wood , for the Author , in the Year 1665. Aenigmaticall CHARACTERS . The Character of a Character ▪ IT gives you the hint of Discourse , but discourses not ; and is that in mass , which you may wire-draw to infinite . 'T is more Seneca then Cicero , and speaks rather the Language of Oracles then Orators ; every line a sentence , and every two a period . It sayes not all , but all that it sayes is good , and like an Air in Musick , is full of closes , or still driving to'rds a close . 'T is all matter and to the matter , and has nothing of superfluous or circumlocution . 'T is that in all writings which delighteth most , and the shame of voluminous Authors , that when men have read whole Volumns over , they shud think that onely worthy to be born away . 'T is a journey where yo● see the end from the beginning , and pass it over without weariness . 'T is a market where you have fruit and flowers ready gathered , without climbing or going amongst thorns for them . In fine , 't is the quintessence of speech , and that which the French call the Point o● Spirit , because it penetrateth most : and in point of praise or dispraise that may be said of it , which was said of Brutus , Quicquid vult valdè vult : Whatsoever it does it does thorowly . Character 2. Of an excellent Actor . HE is a delightful Proteus , changing and transforming himself into what shapes he please . He puts off himself with his clothes , and never assumes himself agen ( not so much as in the Tyring-house ) till the Play be done . There is as much difference betwixt him and a common Actor , as betwixt a Ballad-singer and an excellent Musician ; t'one onely mouthing it , whilst t'other artfully varies and modulates his voice ; knowing all his graces even to how much breath he is to give to every syllable . He has all the parts of an excellent Orator , ( animating his words with speaking , and speech with action ) his Auditors being never more delighted then when he speaks ▪ nor more sorry then when he holds his peace . Yet even thên he is an excellent Actor still , not falling in his part when he has done his speech , but with his looks and gesture maintaining it still unto the heighth : imagining age quod agis onely spoke to him ; so as whosoever calls him a Player does him wrong , no man being less idle , nor more imploy'd then he ; his whole life being nothing else but Action , with onely this difference from other men ; that as what is a play to them is his business , so what is their business is but a play to him . Character 3. Of an Importunate Visitant . HE is the onely persecuter of Ladies , and after the Ten , they hold him the greatest Persecution . He visits them in their Chambers a nights ( when they are going to bed ) and a mornings e're they are up : nor can they be quiet in their Clossets for him . No excuse of business , sleep , nor taking physick , nor that ye are gone abroad ( though you your self shud tell him so ) can keep him out ; no nor a Guard of Switz at door can do 't , for he 'l enter like a Witch by the chimney , or like a Spirit , the doo●s and windows shut ; and t' were a miracle beyond the Irish Friers skill , to Exorcise , and cast him out . And if he be thus troublesome at home , much more does he trouble them abroad , ( where he thinks he has more liberty ) for wheresoever you go , he follows you like your shadow , and crouds himself into your Coach whether you will or no. At Church he is your distraction , at Feasts and Recreations he mars your mirth , and every where he is your sickness and disease ; so as a Physician who could finde out a Remedy against the Gout and him , wod be richer then Mayern . Many have been invented but none wod serve . Ill usage nor ill words won't do 't , and the keeping handsom Gentlewomen and Chamber-maids but redoubles the access . Onely one Remedy has been lately found out at Bruxelles , and practis'd on Marigny , which if well applied , 't is thought will rid you of him . Character 4. Of an Eager Disputant . HE has Scollarship enough ( like an ignorant Conjurer ) to raise Doubts , but not to lay them ; and comes from breaking Priscians head to breaking your● . He thinks 't is brave to have his speech ( like Dametus Armor ) compos'd of several pieces of Greek and Latine , when indeed 't is onely cloathing Eloquence in Motley . He seeks Contention more then Truth , and you cannot do him a greater displeasure then to be of his opinion . He has too much Passion to have any Reason for what he sayes , and heats and grows red hot presently , with thunder in his voice and lightning in his eyes : impatient of contradiction , and contradicting every one ; so as Faith that remove● mountains , can never remove him from his opinion . From question of things he comes to question of names , and from thence to misnaming them , so as by degrees at last he quite loses himself , and the state of the question too . And such as these they are who have so rent the Church with their hot Disputations , and made the breach so wide , as that which at first like North and South , was onely divided by an individual Line , becomes at last the whole Heavens distant , by their indiscreet going to the extremity of either Pole. Character 5. Of a Dutch Waggoner . HE converses so much with beasts as he is become one himself , with onely this difference , that he is a beast Paramount ; and to see him mounted on his fore Horse like a Drill , you 'd take him for a Cart-Centaure , or beast two stories high . Nay , to his very understanding he is one ; he understanding nothing above the Elevation of his Pole : And let them talk of the Papists what they will , there is none speaks the Language of the Beast but he . They were much out of their way , who feign'd a Waggoner in Heaven , when with far more reason they might have feign'd one in Hell : for he is more churlish then Charon , and more exacting money for his fare . Besides , his Waggon is just like Hell , where people are crouded together in perp●tual Torment , whilst he layes about him like a Fury with his whip . Onely in this he is like Phebus , or the Charioter of Heaven , in that he alwayes brings night with him to his journeys end . Nor has t'other ( for all his twelve Houses ) so many Inns as he , to bait at on the way . Besides , he is more inexorable then the Sun ; for Ioshua with calling to him once , could make him stay , which you can never do hîm , though you should call your heart out for 't . In fine , he is a very tyrant when he gets you in his Waggon once , and sets as many Impositions on his passengers ; amongst the rest he has one Tax call'd Drink-guelt , which he levies on the first four places in his Waggon ; and were you forty he promises unto you all . Now whether this be a Flemish or Holland Waggoner , there lies the Riddle ; onely thîs looks bigger and keeps more state , as one who may be one of myn Heer 's in time , whilest t'other will never be but one of the Rascal rout . Character 6. Of an ordinary French Laquey . HE is as mischievous all the year , as a London Prentice on Shrove-Tuseday ; and is devillish valiant with his Rapier on , but a poor divel when it is off : and you may beat him ( especially his Master ) as far as Cent corps de baston comes to at any time . What colour soever his Livery is of , he wears mourning Linnen still , and he and the Dog lie together , and are Correlatives . He swears and lies naturally , but steals nothing , onely all that he can lay hands on , and ( if you lay not hands on him the sooner ) runs away with it when he has done . Though for running it is the worst quality he has , in lieu of which he vaults up behinde the Coach as nimbly , and with as great facility , as an Ape or Tumbler behinde his master . For his Soul he has so little care of it , as he is alwayes giving it to the Devil ; and has so little care of his Body too , as he is alwayes running to the Burdello , till at last one running mars another , and he 's laid up in an Hospital , and there 's an end of him . Character 7. Of a Gamestress . Made at Bruxelles . SOme say she was born with Cards in her hands , others that she will dye so ; but certainly 't is all her life , and whether she sleeps or wakes , she thinks of nothing else . She speaks the language of the Game she playes at , better then ▪ the language of the Countrey where she was born , and can less endure a Solecisme in thât , then thîs . She knows no Judge but the Groom Porter , nor Law , but onely the Law o' th' Game ; in which she is so expert as they appeal to her , as from subordinate Judges to the supremer ones . She loves Winter more then Summer , because it affords more Gamesters ; and Christmas more then any other time , because there is more Gaming thên . She gives more willingly to the Butlers , then poor Folks box ; and is never more Religious , then when she prayes that she may win . She imagines she is at play even when she is at Church , and takes her Beads for Counters , her Prayer Book for Cards , and thinks she 's shuffling when she turns o're the leaves . And she would play like Nero with the Town on fire ; or like Archimaedes when t' were a sacking , rather then interrupt her Game . In fine , 't is all her life , and as she lives so she will dye ; when she hopes to go to the Gamesters Paradice , and there play per omnia saecula saeculorum . Character 8. Of a Fine Nice City Dame. SHe is one your Cockneys call a Beauty , because like a sick Turkey she looks a little blewish about the gills , and has a faint white Complexion of the colour of fletten milk . She has no advantage of a brown Countrey Lass , but onely that her complexion is the unwholesomer of the two , and her skin apter to break forth in scabs . She is so dough-bake't , and her complexion so raw , as those who have any minde to her , must have the Green sickness , or be half Cannibals at least . Her Blood is all whey , which she clarifies with physick still , whence instead of Children she brings forth nothing but Curds and green Cheeses . She is alwayes complaining she knowes not wherefore , and would fain be sick if she knew of what ; giving that Physician more who findes her out a Disease , then others would do thôse who cured them of one . She longs still whether she be with Childe or no , and her chiefest longing is after every new Fashion ; which she must have presently , or there starts up a new Disease ; and her Husband gives it her , finding by dear experience , the Mercers Book far less chargeable then the Pothecaries or Physicians : so betwixt her being sick and well , he is never quiet with her , nor will she ever be sô until she be in her grave . Character 9. Of a Curious Glutton . THe total sum of his life is in his Bill of Fare , and he thinks all Solomons wisdom consisted in nothing else , ( he knew the nature of all Fish , Beasts and Fowl , and Herbs , Trees and Plants so well . ) He counts the Italian the onely wise Nation for faring so deliciously as they do , and calling a Wise man huom de buon gusto , or one that has a good taste of things . He undertakes to tell you not onely what you should eat and drink , but also how you shud eat and drink it too ; and is ready to snatch his Ruffs and Goodwits out of your mouth , when he sees you swallow them greedily and ravenously ; and is mad if you drink not his Verdea or Frontinack as chickens do their water , with often lifting up your eyes to Heaven . For the rest he is of a good nature and quiet disposition , hating all disputes , since there is no Dispute of Tastes ; and for disputes of Religion , so they allow but of eating and drinking , he is indifferent for any one . His chiefest Religion consists in keeping a Calendar of the Moneths and Dayes when several Meats come in season , which he observes as devoutly as the Roman Catholicks do their Calendar of Saints . In fine , he thinks of nothing else as long as he lives , and when he dyes , onely regrets that Funeral Feasts are quite left off , else he should have the pleasure of one Feast more ( in imagination at least ) even after death ; which he can't indure to hear of , onely because they say , there is no eating nor drinking in the other world . Character 10. Of a Gallant French Monsieur . Made at Paris . BEhold this gallant Hermophrodite , in the Chamber more effeminate then Woman , and in the Field more masculine then Man. It is he who has so improv'd Gallantry , as it signifies not onely bravery in Clothes , but in Language , Manners , and Behaviour too . He rises a morning , and having spent some two or three hours in dressing himself , goes afterwards to the Church of Gallantry , where instead of his Prayer Book , out goes his Tortoise Combe , whilst the little whisper to his Mistris supplies the place of Jaculatory prayers ; and for one Pater noster he sayes to God , he sayes ten Miserere's to her . Mass done , he waits upon her to her Coach , then home where he dines ; so as he makes his Body serve his Spirits , and not his Spirits his Body . After dinner he dresses himselfe agen for the Tour a la mode , where he falutes with good grace , and has the jolly rencounters on the way : Then to the Ball , where he utters such Douceurs and delicate Conceits , as 't is a very Banquet for Ladies ears . Thus having his Diarium , you have the whole course of his life , till he be old , if some Duel or Disease do not interrupt it whilst he is young . Character 11. Of a Dairy . Made in Bedfordshire , Anno 1664. THou that of Milk the name dost bear , And Bourn's of water flowing thêre ; And dost me with thy Name invite , Of low and humble things to write : Thy Dairy and thy Pastures fat , I 'le onely chuse to celebrate ; Let others celebrate the while Thy Parks , and Woods , and stately Pile : Such high things ask a higher strain , More low befits my lowly vain . In thy so rich and fertile Ground , There so much plenty does abound , You 'd think fair Amalthea's horn From fruitful Archileos torn , Some God did from next River tear , And with like Bounty plac't it here . From t●is Rich source , that Milk does come , Which when the Cow does bring it home , As Bees do Honey to the hive , In Cheese and Butter they contrive : And shud ( as anciently ) some Fairy Nightly come and haunt the Dairy , And but see how neat 't is kept , The Shelves so clean , the Floor so swept , Money shud in their shooes be laid , Instead of pinching of the Maid . How happy shud we mortals be ? Did all example take from Thee : Where all th' oppression ●hat there is , Is onely in their making Cheese ; And where there 's no p●rcussion , But onely to make Butter come . Idolat'ry that in ancient time Was their Religion , as their crime , With some excuse we might allow , Had they alone Ador'd the Cow , ( From which such plenteous good does come ) And let their other Beasts alone . From that comes Butter , Milk and Cheese , And Whey , and Curds so white from these ▪ As t' wod the Milkie Way appear , Shud God● look down and see us here , As we behold the Galaxy , In looking upwards to the Sky . And now if any curious are , To know why th' are more white and fair , Then ever Milk or Curds were yet , That from their Ladies hands they get ; So fair and white , we well may say , Nothing 's more white and pure then they . Character 12. Of Absence . To the Lady — Written at Bruxelles in French. ABsence is the Abscinthe or bitterness o● Love , that weans us from the delightful pres●nce of those we love ; 't is the night and winter of Amity : When our Sun being set , or retir'd into another Hemisphere , we are sad , and restlesly long for its return ; and if Death be nothing else , but onely a separation of Soul and Body ▪ Absence certainly wo'd be worse and more grievous then Death it self ; since it separates the Soul even from the Soul , but that fortior quàm mors dilectio ; A● Love ha's power over Death , so Time and Place ha's no power over Love. 'T is the touch-stone and trial of our Loves ; and when in presence of those we love , we are all eyes to look on them ; and in absence , all thought to think on them ▪ 'tis a sign our Love is perfect and true indeed , ( as when ●he Painter ha's no more need to look on the Original , 't is a sign the Picture is fully finished ) Yet Love is such 〈◊〉 ●ne , as without retouching it often on the original , the species and colours of it are apt to fade and vanish ; and though sometimes 't is necessary to be absent from those we love , ( that they may imagine they cannot live without us ) yet we are never to be so long away , a● to let them know they can indeed . However Madam ▪ I shud be loath to put it to the trial , or to be put to the nece●●ity . Character 13. Of the same Lady . NEver was curious Beauty more wary of sun or winde , nor frugal Bravery of contracting spot or stain , then she of the least breath of rumour , and preserving her fame and hono●r untainted and unblemished ▪ never doing any thing , without first examining , what will th● people say ? nor s●irring a foot ▪ without first carefully looking where she tr●ads ; by which wise care and cir●umspection of hers , she clearly shews , that hôwever Rumour be apt enough to spea● ill , yet 't is but living well , and we need not care what it says ▪ and however foul and dirty the World i● ▪ yet we may walk clean enough , and but carefully pick out our way . This makes her so ad●ir'd and reveren●'d , as Vertue 's self ( cu'd it be seen by mortall eyes ) cu'd not be more reverenc't nor admi●'d ▪ and this makes them propose her as a noble pattern for all her fairer Sex to imitate ; who lives so , as no Ermin can be purer , nor Angel in mortal flesh live more spiritually then she , who of all Women living ha's onely found out the way of stopping Rumour 's mouth , and silencing Calumny and Detraction . Character 14. Du Tour a la mode . C'Est une Assemble ou les dam●● sont Pa●●é●●our le Bal , & ou le● 〈…〉 dan●●nt un Ballet . Cest un 〈◊〉 ou 〈◊〉 Esta●e que la meil●i●e Marthandiz● , en reservant l● reste 〈◊〉 ●arriere Bou●ique● ▪ Cest un Ieu de● Carte● ou ●ou● 〈◊〉 Valets sont os●a●te● ; ●est une 〈◊〉 ●ien Beng●● , ou l●un ne ti●e que des coups ● O●●●lades , & ou les promiers a●ant fait leui desc●arge ilz s'en vont pour donner place au● autres . C'est un Ciel qui a deux monue●●ens contrairs , ou il y a d●s Esto●ll●s de routes grandeurs , & ou il y a des Commettes entre le rest ▪ Cest un Triumphe ou les Vaincus aussi bien que les Vainqueurs vont en chariot . Cest une Medaille de la vanité du monde , & vicissitude des mondains , avec cet Inscription , sic transit gloria mundi ▪ & sur ●e ●envers , chaque un en son tour . En fin c'est là ou l'on roule doucement dans le monde ▪ & 〈◊〉 on pouroit ●insi alle● en Paradis , on ser●it aussi heureux qu' Elie. The same in English ▪ THe To●●r a la ●●ode is an Assembly , where the Ladies are drest for the Ball , and the Hor●es dance the Ballet ; 't is a Fair or Market ▪ where they install all thei● best commodities , and keep the rest behinde in the Ware-house : 'T is a Game at Cards , where all the Valets are discarded . 'T is a well order'd Battle , where they shoot nothing but Glances ; and where the first rank discharging , give place to those who follow . 'T is a Heaven or Firmament ▪ with two contrary motions , where there are Stars of several magnitudes , and where there are some Commets too : 'T is a Triumph , where the Conquered as well as the Conquerours ride in Chariot : 'T is a Meddal of the Vanity of the World , and Vicissitude of worldly things ; with this Inscription on t'one side , sic trans●t gloria mundi , and every one in his turn on t'other . In fine , 't is thêre where people ride pleasantly and easily in the world ; and if they could go to Heaven sô , they would be as happy as Elias . Character 15. Of a Ladies little Dog. HE is Native of Bolonia , though of no great House thêre , and is his Ladies Favourite , and the envy of all her Gallants , for his lying with her anights , and kissing her by day ; and they suspect him of frigidity , that he 's no more mov'd with it ; certainly he is so cold , the Chimney-corner can scarce keep him warm , where he lies in his Pannier , like Diogenes in his Tub ; and you would take him for a Cynick , by his barking at every one . By his Collar you would think him of some Military Order , ( as there are Carpet Knights enow , who wod willingly like him , be never out of Ladies Laps ) but that he ha's no fellow for littleness , all other Dogs seeming Mastives compar'd to him ; and he wo'd scarce pass for ône amongst the Pignies , though in Homers Battle betwixt the Frogs and Mice , he might have serv'd for mounting the Cavalry , if he had not been marr'd in the mannaging , hê ( what betwix● carrying in the Arms at home , and Coach abroad ) having Legs more for ornament then use : Whence he ha's much to answer for idleness , but for that he cares as little as others do , and others as little as he , so they may have like him , their Heaven in this world ; and have a Velvet Cushion for Couch , walk on Turkey Carpets like the Grand Signior , and be fed as daintily a● the Infant● or King of Spain , whilst he can't wag his tail for any thing ▪ but he ha's it presently . Character 16. Of a bold abusive Wit. HE talks madly , dash , dash● , without any fear at all , and cares not how he bespatters others or defiles himself● ; nor ceases he till h 'as run himself quite out of breath ; when no wonder if to Fools he seems to get start of those who carefully pick out their way ▪ and are as fearful of abusing others as themselves : He ha's the Buffoon's priviledge , to say or do any thing without exceptions ; and 〈◊〉 call a Jealous man , Cuckold ; a Childe of doubtful Birth , Bastard ▪ and a Lady of suspected honour , Whore ; whilst they onely laugh at it ; and all Schollars are Pedants with him , and Physicians Quacks ; when the being angry at it , were the avowing it . In Ladies Chambers he is rude , and tumbles the bed , and towzes t●e● , drest up unto the height , to the hazzard of a Bed-staff thrown at his head , or rap o'●e the fingers with the Busk , ( and that is all . ) Onely he is worse then the Buffoon in this , that th●y study to delight , hê onely to offend ; thêy to make you merry , hê onely to make you mad ; giving that for reason of his incivility , because it troubles you ( forsooth ) which wod make any civil man cease troubling you : So he wear● his wit as Bravo's do their Swords ▪ onely to mischief and offend others , not as Gentlemen , to defend themselves ; and 't is crime in him , what is ornament in them ; he being onely a Wit at that , at which a good Wit is onely a Fool. And thus he continues , till he meets with some or other as cho●serick as he is abusive , when afeard of a beating , he goes away and sayes , they understand not Iest , when indeed 't is rather he . Character 17. Of a modern Casuist . HE is your onely Conscience-monger , and frames it wide or strait , as he lists himself ▪ he leaves no Vsury , whilst he makes all Vsur●rs ; and takes away the sins of the world , but makes more sinners then there were before . He has his several wards for several sins , as Equivocation against lying , and secret recompensation against theft , so rectifying the Conscience , as he can set it right agen at any time : He can make any thing good with a distinction , and marre it again with another ; especially , he has particular cases for Princes , in confidence of which shud they offer to go to Heaven , St. Peter 't is thought wod hardly allow of thêm , ( as Scholastical Querks invented since his time . ) Amongst the rest , he is so partial to his own Countrey Vices , as Drunkennes with the Dutch is almost no vice at all , nor Fornication with the Spaniard ; mean time the ignorance of what he writes makes people more vertuous then the reading it ; his Writings being nothing else but a Rapsody of all Vices in general , whence , consequently by reading them particular person● must needs know more vices then they did before ; and for him himself , for all his nice distinctions , woe be to him , if when he comes to dye , he meets with some such ignorant Devil as that Lawyer did , who c'ud not make him understand him for his heart , but he wod needs carry him away to Hell whether he would or no. Character 18. Of an Anabaptist , or Fifth-Monarchy man. WHen in the Lords Prayer he sayes , Thy Kingdom come , he equivocates and means his own , looking upon Magistrates bu● as Usurpers of his Right , he is a Saint turn'd inside outwards , or all Sanctity without , and non● within ; his Congregation , however they boast the Spirit , are all in Querpo ▪ and they use no other Cloak but onely Hypocrisie ▪ 't is question whether he more hates th● Church for Ceremoni●s , or Ceremonies for the Church ; but for him he is more familiar with the Lord , then to stand on Ceremonies with him ; he Tho●i●g him at every word ▪ and speaking with less reverence to him , then any Clown does to hi● Landlord ▪ he so hates a Gentleman , as he can't endure God shud b● serv'd like one : Mean time down go the Churches , and Whitehall shud follow too , might they but have their wills ; a Barn ( like Savages ) serving them instead both of Church and Palace , they counting any place good enough to preach in ; and any place indeed is good enough for their preaching , who teach nothing but Sedition and Infatuation ; and whilst others with their Sermons people Heaven , they with thêirs onely people Bedlam and the common Goal . He calls Mirth Prophaneness , Melancholly Godliness , Obedience Luke-warmness , and Faction Zeal , making as unchristian work with that , a● with Baptizing their Children ; and calls himself pure , lik● him , who over head and ears in dirt , boasted that he had never a spot on him ▪ so he thank● God with the Pharisee , that he is not like o●her men , and in that he sayes true , for he is fa● worse then they . Character 19. Of a Dutch Frow ▪ Made in Holland . SHe is nea● and cleanly in her House , but not in he●self , and so frugal in the Kitchin , that if there be any Grease , Kitchi●-stuff , or Candles ends , 't is sure to go to pot ; there is no entring any of her other Rooms , without first putting off your Shooes , as if 't were holy Ground ; and y 'ad better spit in her face then spit in 't , whilst you are there ; her Tongs and Fire-shovel , with all the res● of her Chimney-implements , serve more for ornament then use ; and you may assoon ge● her to set fire on the house , as make a fire in any Chimney besides the Kitchin one ; for her own Chimney , 't is under her Coats in her Lul●pot , with which she so bemackerels he● Thighs , as you 'd take her for a Maremaid , half fish , half flesh , by which unnatural heat she brings forth nothing but Zooterkins : Sh● never travels without her basket full of Provan● , or half Stivers worth of Shrimps or Nuts , with cracking and nibbling of which ( besides her tatling ) she entertains her self upon the way , and when she comes home , puts up every thing in a Press , her Band , and Huke , and self too when she goes to bed . She housewives every thing so well , as not a se●m of her Gloves , but she has dern'd over twe●ty times at least ; and she 's so great an enemy to Superfluity ; as he● Handkerchief wod scarce make a Plaister for her Nose . There goes alwayes some branch●-velvet , or tuff-taffity to the Stomacher of he● Holiday Gown , and the silver Chain , with all its appendi●es , muft on on Sundayes , or she 'l go to the Lumbard for it . In fine , she keeps the House or Shop all day , and at night her Husband and she drink lovingly together , till they are Maudlin-drunk , and then they go to bed together , and s●eep like pigs . Character 20. Of a strange Disposition . HE is rather made of Oak then Willow , and will sooner break , then bow . He counts stooping baseness , and except thât civil respect which is due unto their place and titles , he cannot flatter or fawn on any man ; but like their Mirours , the same countenance they shew him , he shew● them agen ▪ and excepting hi● Prince , who can Sovereignly dispose of his Body ; and God , who can dispose of his Soul and Body both , he cares for offending no body , who ●hall first have offended him ; and none ever lookt so high on him , but he 'd get a Persp●ctive , or he 'd look as high as they : This gets him many enemies , and hinders him from getting many friends ; for every one wod be comply'd with all , and he has not complacency for every one ; nor can he help it , for 't is his nature , and we can as easily change our outward form and features , as our inward ●ind and disposition , ( after by long accustoming 't is past into nature once ) and his friends like it well enough in him , as knowing , that of such wood your best Friends are made ; nor was there ever Flatterer of that disposition . Character 21. Of a Stage-Critick . He goes to Playes onely to finde fault thêre , and if he findes none , he makes them , ( like your Flesh-flyes , who not onely leave sound places , to light on sores , but are such venomous ones , as they even make sound places , ●ore , with their flye-blowing them . ) In the Coffee-house he is of the Peace and Quorum , and gravely sitting on the Bench thêre , ( like Justice Clack ) condemns first and examines afterwards ; but every where else , he i● out of Commission , & as ridiculous as t'other is on the Stage , ( they holding him for a Iudge without Iudgement , and Author without Authority . ) He is an Heretick in Poetry , ( or Fanatick , which is worse ) and is quite fallen from the Faith of his Fore-fathers , who believ'd in the Poets Infallibility ; and so Fletcher made the Play , it was enough with them : But if Fletcher were alive now , or any man living writ like him , he 's resolv'd to condemn him whosoe're he be , who praifes the dead onely to dispraise the living . Mean time , he spends his ●udgement so fast on others , as he leaves none for himself at length , and having all his Wit from Playes , ●pends it all in censuring them ; so as 't is no longer ▪ Judgement but Madness in him , beyond the Cure of Bedlam or Helibor . — But why do I trouble my self with describing him in Prose , when 't is done already in Verse , in Answer to a certain Lampoon ▪ made against ▪ Playes and Poets , entituled , A Sessions of Apollo . The Answer . A Sessions not of Apollo but Bacchus , Was lately held in a Coffee or Sack-house , Where all wod needs be Poets Dramatick ▪ Though none understood nor the Theory nor Practick ▪ And these forsooth with their little or no wits , Wod sit in Iudgement of Playes and of Poets . Is 't now enouf that Playes on the Stage Have so long born the Brunt of Fanatical Rage , Whilst out of the Pulpit , as out of the Cannon , Th●ave thunder'd such Vollies of Railings upon 'um ; But such as these in a Tavern must sit , And arraign and condemn the Playes and the Wit ? How Ti●es are chang'd ! In our fore-fathers dayes , Onely those who had Wit were Iudges of Playes ; But every one now is a Censurer grown ▪ And who more forward then those who have none ? But to conclude with our grave Tavern-Benchers , Compos'd of riotous Gamesters and Wenchers , Of half-witted Jeerers , and Hectoring Fighters , Vnless they give over their censuring the Writers , They 'l shortly repent it , when at their next Sessions Their Names shall be told as well as Professions ; And they so describ'd , as people shall say , When they see but their faces , behold these are they . Character 22. Of a Complementer . He is a certain cringing thing , that stoops Iust like a Tumbler when he vaults through hoops ; Or Daw or Magpye , when at fruit it pecks Alternately their tails above their beeks . HE is the Rack of Conversation , that sets every ones Joynts a stretching , and had been banisht Sparta ▪ Infalliby , for adding so many superfluous words unto the Dialect . He is a Puritan in Manners , as others are in Religion , and troubles you more with his long Preambles , then t'other with his long Graces ; and in thîs is less conscionable then thêy , in using Ceremonies too , to make it more troublesome . The French has a good Etymology or derivation of his Name , and ●ayes , that a Complementer is but an Acomply menteur , or an accomplisht Lyar ; and they say trûe , for Complementing is but a new way of Lying , not directly , but by Circumlocution ; and Truth has alwayes been out of fashion , since ît came în . 'T is a new Language added to those of Babel , and has brought a greater confusion into the world ; for those were invented for better explaining and declaring of the minde , but thîs for hiding and concealing it . 'T is the Court Cypher , that is sometimes to be understood contra , or by contraries ; sometimes praeter , or besides , but never literally , and in the genuine sence . In fine , 't is the Language of Flattery , Irony , or Hypo●risie , wholly unknown to our honest Ancestours , nor shall we be ever so honest as they were , till we have quite left it off . Character 23. Of a Make-bate , or sower of Dissention . SHe is a tatling Gossip , and one of the Devils Day-Labourers , that sowes his Tares for him , or seed of dissention . She tells you this and this such an one said of you , when you may be sure , 't is either wholly false or never wholly true , ( she having either wholly invented it , or added so much to it , as makes it an a●rant Lye. ) She goes a fishing for secrets , and tells you those of others , onely to hook yours out of you , baiting men as they do fishes , one with another still . She chuses the softest Breasts , as easiest to be corrupted , and those ( like an insinuating worm ) she wriggles her self into , till she has quite corrupted them ; the oyl with which she supples them , is Flattery ; and that which she chiefly flatters , is others Vices ; for Vertues , she shud be sorry that they had any , lest they shud be too vertuous for her company . In fine , they talk of Serpents so venomous , as they infect and poyson with their very breaths ; but if ever any's breaths were venomous , 't is hers , ( who wod set Man and Wife at dissention the first day of their Marriage , and Childe and Parents the last day of their lives ) Nor will innocence ever be safe , or conversation innocent , till such as she be banisht humane society , ( the bane of all Societies where they come ) and if I could afford them being any where , it shud be onely with Ariosto's Discord amongst mine Enemies ; mean time 't shall be my prayer , God bless my friends from them . Character 24. Of a Chamber-maid . A Chamber-maid by a certain Figure signifies no Maid at all ; as homo pictus , or a painted man does no man. She differs from the Waiting-Gentlewoman , as single Roses do from double ones , and is a Maid of one Coat onely , whilst t'other has many ; yet there is more provocation in her single Petticoat and Wastecoat , ( as coming nigher Querpo ) then t'other has in all her Gowns and Petticoats . She is like a Nettle , handle her gently , and she 's angry , but towze her soundly , and she takes it patiently ; onely she is coy and disdainful to the Servingmen , telling them , she is for their betters ; and so she is indeed , for a Gentleman may do any thing with her , in a civil way . Above all , she is very serviceable to her Master when her Lady lies in , who takes order to marry her the sooner for it . In fine , if she be a right Chamber-maid , and of the Game indeed , say what you will , or do what you will unto her , she 'l be sure to be a Maid still , till she be married : when , let her Husband look if she be one or no , for others have often lookt and found her none . Character 25. Of troublesome Kindness . WHen he meets you , he asks you with a great deal of joy , whether you be there or no ? and though you have never so much business , makes you stay . He shakes you by the hand , till h 'as shak't it out of joynt , and tells you twenty times , he 's glad to see you well ; and if he embrace you , and get you in the hug , y 'ad as good fall into the hands of a Cornish Wrestler . He is troublesome at Table , with bidding you heartily welcome , and often drinking unto you , whilst he winks upon you without knowing wherefore himself , and carves you , and makes you eat whether you will or no. He asks you so often how you do ? as he makes you doubt whether you be well or no ; and when you are not indeed , he is more troublesome yet , with his how d'ye's ? and pray be well , &c. He ha's a Receipt for every Disease , and twenty at least for an Ague , all one as good as another ; and so pesters you with them , as you would give as much to be rid of his visits , as y' are forc't to give the Physician for his . In fine , he is so troublesome , as y' are forc't to put it in your Letanies , to be deliver'd from him , and all will scarcely do . Character 25. Of your Town-talkers . Made Anno 1654. YOur Town-talkers are a company in Town , who make a trade of talking of every thing ; and they are such excellent Embroiderers of Lyes , as any ground will serve their turn , ( nay , most commonly they 'l do 't without any ground at all . ) They deal more by Conjecture then Almanack-makers ; and will venture the repute of Liars twenty times , for thât of Prophet once . They wish more for ill news , then Ingrossers of Corn do for dear years ; and are sorry with Caligula , when no publick calamity happens in their times . They hunt with full cry , and run faster away with a Rumour , then a pack of Northern Hounds with a full scent ; and their chiefest Game is who , and who ! They make more Marriages then Iustices of Peace ; and for Weddings , ( now the Arches are down ) they are the onely Bawdy Court. Instead of the Star-chamber they censure every one , and judging of others by themselves ; no wonder they judge ill of every thing . Their talking is their disease , and they speak ill , because they know not to speak well . 'T is the malignity of their nature , and we must have patience with it , as thêy must ; if making bold sometimes with us in the Countrey , we this once make as bold with them in Town . Character 27. Of a shrewd old Catholick Gentlewoman . SHe goes to Confession , and leaves off all her old shrewishness to begin anew ; and when she ha's sufficiently thumb'd over her Hours and Rosary , thinks she ha's priviledge to be as shrewish as she was before . She chides others with the same zeal as she prayes ; and beats her Breasts at Mass , and Maids afterwards with the same fervour and devotion . She thinks spiritual Vices nothing , so long as she abstains from carnal ones ; and whilst she makes a mortal sin of eating Flesh on Fridayes , or Eggs in Lent , makes no scruple of rash judgement , and condemning others without a cause . Her Devotion in the Chappel chiefly consists in saying over a great many Prayers , and out of it , in making a Caudle for the Goodman , which he eats as devoutly , and prays for Benefactors . In fine , she 's alwayes chiding , and would have every one perfecter then her self ; and looks so much to others faults , as sh 'as no leasure to look unto her own ; whence she turns away her Maids so fast , as she scarcely knows her own Family ; and you shall come twice into the house , but never twice into the same house agen . Character 28. Of a common Acquaintance . HE wearies out his bosome with embracing every one , and dirties his Palm with shaking them by the hand . Like a Spanniel , he fawns upon every one he meets , and will needs know them whether they will or no. If they but look on him , he smiles on them ; and but smile on him , and the Acquaintance straight is made . He picks acquaintance out of every face he ha's but seen once before , and calls every one he ha's but seen twice , a friend . After which follows Kindred and Affinity , he having more Couzens then your common Curtizans , or Will Summers had ; and they are much as near a kin as Patch and he . Mean time , he glories in the store of them , and thinks himself rich , never considering , that one findes enow of such acquaintances every day in che streets , whilst procul & de ultimis sinibus terrae , a Friend is a Cabinet-piece indeed , and one we should go to the end of the world to seek : Betwixt whom and such common Acquaintance there is as much difference , as betwixt Diamonds and Pebble stones : and he ought to be asham'd , that every ordinary Carver shu'd be more choice of the wood he makes his Statua's of , then he of the men whereof he makes his friends ; ône being too hard and knotty to work upon , t'other too light and spungy , and worth nothing when they are wrought . Non ex omni ligno sit Mercurio , one makes not Friends out of every sort of Wood. Character 29. Of one who falsely styles himself Collonel NOt to be Souldier he was made Collonel at first , and to 'scape fighting , ha's continued so ever since ; whence he is a Superlative without a Positive ; or like a Hovel , all Roof , without Foundation . He drunk formerly when he shu'd be fighting , and now talks onely of fighting in his drink , whence his Sword can so little boast of its Blood , as all its Gentility lies in the Hilt and Belt ; and it derives its Honour more from the Scabbard then the Blade . To avoid fighting , he brags how often he ha's fought , and how many he ha's kill'd ▪ and some believe him , because they cu'd never see any he had fought withall alive : But others say , that of all men living they wo'd chuse to be kill'd by him , for so they shu'd be sure to be still alive . Yet he 'l quarrel , or wrangle with you , ( which is half quarrelling at least ) and let him alone , and he 'l threaten to fight w' ye too ; such as he being of the nature of Nettle● , handle them gently , and they prick you ; but roughly , and you break the point● of them . After which ( as before ) he was the Fools Valiant man , so he becomes the Valiant mans Fool ▪ and every one laughs at him , when he goes away offended , saying , He cares no more for others , then they for him : and if so , he is the happiest man alive ; for I know none lives freer from care then he . Character 30. Of the Patrons Lives . To the Lord — Anno 1664. MY noble Lord , if you wo'd know Both how to ●ive , and live well too , But onely your A●●ention give , I●le tell you how ●he Patrons live . First of all , they never ●are Nor for Clock nor Calendar ; Next they ne're desire to know Ho● Affairs o' th' World do go : Above all , they ne're resort To the busie Hall nor Court ; Where poor men do nothing else , But trouble others and themselves : All the business they look after . Onely is their sport and laughter , With a Friend and chearful Cup Merrily to dine and sup● ; Hear good Musick , s●e a Play , Thus they pass the time away : Doing no harm to a●y man , Rather all the good they can . So 'twixt Saint a●d Sinner here . Equally their Course they steer , Till thi● Voyage over-past , They arriv● to th' Po●t at last ; Where those after Death arrive , Who so ●armless were alive : And I ●hink , as th' world now goes . Th'a●e not worst of Livers those . If you like the Living thus , Come , my Lord , and Live with us . Character 31. Of a miserable old Gentlewoman . HEr word is , Pitty any thing shu'd be lost ; but others say , Pitty any thing shu'd be sav'd as she saves it ; for she hoards up Candles ends , and scrapes up Grease , being so rich in Kitchin-stuff , as her very cloathes are nothing else , excepting her old brancht Velvet Gown , ( as thin as a groat , with the figures all worn out ) which she keeps onely for Sundayes and Holydayes ; never wondring that the Jews cu'd wear their Clothes forty years together in the Desart , since she ha's worn her Petticoat as long ; and her Stomacher is a piece of venerable Antiquity , deriv'd from the Velvet of Queen Maries Gown . For her Prayer-book , it was a Relique of her Grandmothers , till first grown greazy , and after falling into the Dripping-pan , the Dog and Cat fell out about it , and eat it up , since when she prayes without book , with a God help you when they ask her any thing , for which the Beggars curse her , but the Sneezers thank her , ( as expecting nothing else of her . ) You enter her house with no less honour , then you would one the Witches kept their Sabot in ; for she fits like one in the Chimney-corner , purring like a melancholly Cat , and mumping like an old Ape . When she wo'd shew you good countenance , and when she'd Regal you indeed , she sends up for a Bottle of Sack , ( as everlasting as the Widows Cruse of Oyl ) that ha's serv'd this twelve-moneth all strangers that come to house ; with a Box of Marmalade so old and dry , as the Flyes have quite given it over , in despair of extracting any more sweetness out of it : Which together with her other niggardliness and sordidness makes me forswear the house , with resolution never to come there agen . Character 32. Of an Excellent Companion . HE is the life and spirit of the Company , and sparkling liquor , whilst others are but dregs and lees . He is never dry nor pumping , but alw●yes full and flowing ; every thing affording him matter of merriment ; and for a need he can extract it out of nothing too . He differs from the Buffoon , as an excellent Comedy does from the Farse ; and is all wit , t'other onely ▪ foolery . He is neither scurrulous nor prophane , but a good man as well as a good companion ; and so far a good fellow , to take a chearful cup or two , ( for wine 's a good whetter of a fine edg'd wit , so with too much they whet it not quite away ) and though to men of business he seems to confer but little to the seriouser part of life ; yet he whets the knife of the serious man , and makes them more apt for business afterwards , ( as Musick makes them apter for Devotion ) and those who are displeas'd with his mirth , are just like Saul displeas'd with Davids musick , possest with ●ome melancholly devil , or other , which onely such as he can cast out ; for which they send for him farther , then they did for Dr. Butler , and every one loves and cherishes him , he being the Darling of all the nobler sort , the Favourite of Kings , and Companion for any Prince . Character 33. Of one who Zany's the good Companion . HE is a Wit of an under Region , like Iack Pudding , grosly imitating on the lower Rope what t'other does neatly on the higher , onely for the laughter of the vulgar sort , whilst the better and wiser can scarcely smile at him . He is a Buffoon , not a Wit , and in a Tavern is onely ●n hi● Element , ( the Bedlam of Wits , where men are rather mad then merry , and where there 's onely noise instead of mirth ▪ ) He ha's nothing but old ●tories to make you laugh , ( long since laught thred-●ate ) or some stale Jeast or other , ( broken twenty times before ) at which if you laugh not , you put him out of countenance , and marre the faces , which onely were his own before . In fine , he is onely a Wit at the second hand , or a frippery of it , just as Long Lane is , compar'd unto Cheapside , and rather a Channel of other Wits , then a Fountain of his own ; his W●t being rather the hogsheads then his own heads ; savouring more of Heidelberge then Helicon , and he rather a drunken then a good Companion . Character 34. Of one who imitates the good Companion another way . Made in the 1654. HE is one , who now the Stage is down , acts the Paras●tes part at Table , and since Taylors death none can play Mosca so well as he . He is all for those who have best wine and fare , even to be of the same Religion with them too ; and though he be specially devoted to the Patron , he praises the Cook , shakes the Butler by the hand , and is familiar with all the rest of the Servingmen ; calling one Father , another Son , as they are of Age or Office in the House . His mimick Gesture , together with his Buffoon faces , is all his mirth , excepting an old story or two , which you grow weary of presently , and then he must change his bank , or change his style , and fall to plain flattery , ( which is his chiefest ●alent ) with which he infects Persons , and marrs those who are taken with him ; as Plutarch well observes those do , who fish with sophistical baits , which catch fish sooner , ( 't is true saith he ) but renders them nothing worth when they are caught . Character 35. Of a Grave Formal Sir. HE declaims when he speaks like a Grammar Schoolmaster , and keeps his gravity even in spitting , whilst it serves him for distinguishing his periods . He walks like a piece of Dutch Clock-work mov'd with wiers , and looks like an Image carried in Procession . He thinks them all ignorant , who admire not all he sayes and does ; and the Age declining towards Barbarisme amain , that they do not i●itate all his words and actions . He holds the onely observation of him a sufficient breeding for young Gentlemen , far beyond the Court and Univ●rsi●y ▪ and when they hav● but travel'd over his good parts once , they need ( not travel farther to Fra●●● nor I●aly . He inveighs against the vanity of the time with greater vanity ▪ and shews when he ha's the commodity of anothers purse , how vain he wo●d be , had he the commodity of his own . He complains of Fortune , that like water she bears up light things , and lets the more mighty sink , ( meaning himself with all his gravity ) and is malecontent , that he is not rewarded according to his deserts ; when 〈…〉 d●serts , he onely deserves to be laught at , and that is all . In fine , he 's a Compound of a formal Pedant , an affected traveller , and Plautu● miles gloriosus altogether ; though he thinks himself tans Marte quam Mercurio without compare , whilst I can finde nothing to admire in him , but onely that he can admire himself so much . Character 36. Of an all-admirable Person . ALL that is sweet and ravishing is in her looks , with a chearfulness 't is joy to behold , and a perpetual sun-shine , without any clouds at all , joyn'd with so much noble vertue , and attractive sweetness , as she draws youto a certain distance from her , and there suspends you betwixt Love & Reverence , none ever daring to approach her nigher , nor having power to go farther off : So as that Beauty which in 〈◊〉 dayes of Ethnicisine , had excited to Idolatry , now excites onely to Devotion ; sufficient to fill the place where she is with votive Tables , and to work miracles , whilst she 's the greatest miracle her self ; and so all surprizing , as a Disease but half so taking as her eyes , wo'd be Epidemical , and depopulate all the world . Then she 's so courteous and obliging , as the sun and air are not more diffusively good then she ; and her speech and behaviour so gentle and affable , as you may talk of Magick , but there 's none charms but she . In a word , her Gentleness is so great , as 't is enough to tame the fiercest Lions , and civilize the most barbarous Savages ; and if there be any fierceness or savageness in the world , 't is onely where she is not , and because she can't be every where . In fine , her Beauty , Vertue , and Obligingness is so great , as Heaven seems to have made her as she is , onely to make Beauty more vertuous , and Vertue more beautiful , by ●oyning them together with so much sweetness and gentleness . Character 37. Of a Suspicious Person . SHe torments her self and others , by putting every thing on the Rack of doubt , and wresting all unto suspicion ; mean time she makes them rather confess what she 'd have them , then what is true indeed . As all things seem yellow to those infected with the Iaundies , so all things seem of the colour of her suspicions . She affixes an ill sense still unto your words , and an ill meaning to all your actions , and like French Poast Horses , goes on with her suspicions , who when they stumble once , never leave till they be down . Like Snow-balls ; she revolves slight offences in her minde , till sh' as made mighty injuries of them at last , and her Surmizes are alwayes wiser then the Truth , when both for her own sake and theirs , her friends could wish they were but as wise at least . She explicates others words and actions , as Hereticks do Scripture , in the dark and mystick sense , when the literal is obvious and clear enough ; and there 's as little hopes of converting t'one as t'other from their erroneous opinions . So whilst her minde is just like the Winters Sun , that exhales more vapours then it can dissipate agen ; she both loses her self in the mists she makes , and loses her Friends , by mistaking them for her Enemies . Character 38. Of a Talkative Lady . THere is no coming into her company , under pain of a dayes Head-ache , and a ringing in the ears a fortnight after ; and whosoever hears her , wishes that either she were dumb , or they were deaf . To hear her talk , you would wonder at her matter , and at her talk when you heard her matter ; but considering both together , you would admire at neither , but onely exclaim with him who plum'd the Nightingale , Vox est , & praeterea nihil , she is a voice , and nothing else ; for 't is onely a noise she makes , and the labour not of her Brain but Tongue , and you would wonder how that holds out so long , but for thât it moves with as great facility , as leafs shaken with the winde , ( give it but breath enough , and it will ne're lye still ) or rather indeed as Atomes move ●'th ' Air ; for it is quite unhung , and depends neither on nerve nor imagination . There being as much difference betwixt a voluble Tongue and hers , as betwixt an excellent Vaulter , who artfully moves him●elf , and one who precipitates himself without any art at all . All the wonder is , how she makes so different ends hold together , whilst ●he speaks onely Thrums , ( much like the composition of a Taylors Cushion , all of shreads ) but for that she cares not , all her care is for ●ome body to hear her talk , ( which shortly she must be forc't to hire , ( fôr 't is too great a pain to do gratis ) mean time a Machin with so constant a motion as her Tongue , would be far better then a murmuring Fountain to make one sleep ; and sh● wants onely the faculty of talking in her sleep her self , to make the perpetual motion with her Clack . Character 39. Of a Taciturne Person . HE is the contrary extremity , and knows as little to speak , as t'other to hold his peace . Friar Bacons Head was a talkative one to his , and there is nothing so dull and phlegmatick , as his discourse . You might have patience to tend a Still as well , that drops but once a quarter , and the counting a Dutch Clock and his words , were an Exercise much alike . The wheels of his Tongue like those of a rusty Jack , must be perpetually oyl'd , or else th' are at a stand ; and he is just like Pharatius picture , all Curtain , and whosoever thinks there is ought under it , like Zeuxes are deceiv'd . Yet such vailed Shrines as he , in Cloysters are counted very Oracles , where ●ilence is in precept and veneration , and where their wisedom is the folly of the world ; and be they their wise men , they shall be my Fools still , who admire none for being alwayes silent , nor more admire their silence , then that of a Tree or Plant ; who shall ne're count Impotency perfection , but rather when the power of speaking never proceeds to act , shall suspect there 's somewhat in it more then want of will. Onely for this once , ( since they will needs have it so ) I will believe there is somewhat in him , 'cause I co'd never yet see any thing come out of him . Character 40. Of a Table-Disputant . DIsputation is onely for the School , and who disputes too much out of it , shu'd be sent to School agen . Of all places , 't is least proper for the Table , where their discourse shu'd be like their Fare , easie and of light digestion , and not too hard nor difficult . Such love to hear themselves talk , and if they would hear more , and talk less , they wo'd be wiser then they are . The contrary extremity to these are your too easie Assenters to all you say , who let discourse fall too soon , as t'other holds it up too long . The mean betwixt both , is to continue discourse with a handsome reparty or two , and never to pass beyond the third reply . Mean time , the wise avoid disputing with them , as they do quarrelling with Hectors , ( there being no repu●ation to be got by either ) and 't is with disputing just as 't is with quarrelling , where some are so foolish to draw quarrels upon themselves , others so wise to avoid them , which those best may do , without any loss of Reputation , who have sufficiently declar'd on other occasions , that 't is rather discretion then weakness in them , and want of will then ability , that they avoid them now . For my part , of all Surfeits , I hold that of talking the worst , and conclude with Balzac , that whosoever thinks with a long-winded discourse , or raising his voice a tone or two higher then mine , to carry it , he shall have his opinion and mine too , rather then I le contend with him . Character 41. Of a Flaunders Devote . Made at Antwerp . SHe is so pure and nice , as when she comes but where men are , she takes the winde of them , for fear of being got with Childe , ( as Spanish Gynnets are ) and brushes her self when she goes away agen , for fear of a spice of fornication , ever since she understood that man is but made of dust . She wears her eyes like Spectacles on her nose , and looks as soberly and demurely as Cows in Bongraces . She dares not scratch , ( though it itch never so furious ) for fear of transgressing the Rules of Modesty ; and a Fly is as safe on her Nose , or a Flea in her Bosome , as a Thief in Sanctuary . She defies the World with all its vanities , and for the Devil , knows all his tricks so well , as that Devil must rise betimes that couzens her . As for the Flesh , she not onely mortifies it in her self , but in her Hotch-pot too , giving it such an allay of Carrots and Turnips , as there 's no danger of its insurrection . She holds her Confessor , and the Patron of his Order for the greatest Saints ; and salutes all the rest , even to the Dog of the house , with a Beati qui habitant . By the colour of her Petti-coat you may easily perceive what Order she 's addicted to ; and as your Maremaids are half fish , half flesh , so she 's Religious below the Girdle , and Secular above . Of her Faith there is no doubt , and for her Good Works , you may have a pattern of them when you please , for she is commonly the best Bone-lace-maker in all the Parish , though her principal trade be making of Scruples ; of which she makes more in a day , then her Confessors can undo in ten ; for which , though I wo'd not be hîm , yet I co●d wish my Soul with hers at any time , but onely on Ladies Eves , and other particular dayes of Devotion , when she fasts and prayes , and disciplines most intollerably . Character 42. Of a Green-Sickness Girle . SHe is like a Mouse in a Holland Cheese , her house and diet all the same ; whence the more she spends in it , the worse house she keeps ; the walls being her constant diet , of which she eats so long , till she fulfill the old Proverb at last , the weakest goes to the walls ; for which shu'd they accuse her of Burglary , she has this commodity that she could never be starv'd in prison : Nay , whilst some eat themselves into prison , she by the Estridges help might eat her self out agen . She is a great Benefactrix to Masons , who where they finde her , are sure to finde work enouf : And she ha's a great devotion to the Church walls too , where she might sooner eat 〈◊〉 the ten Commandments , by breaking her fast , then break the Commandments of the Church by eating . No Nunnery wo'd hold her , but she●d break . Inclosure presently , though for the rest she 'd pass them all for strictness of diet ; and though she eat white meat , wo●d put down the ●innums and Carthusians . By her complexion 〈◊〉 seems rather made of Marble or C●alk , 〈◊〉 that red Earth Adam was made of ▪ and though she be so Meagre a Soyle , ▪ as she grows never the fatter by it , yet one knows not what a good Husband-man may do , which they say she wants extreamly : But fe● wo'd take a Wife with so much ●ll Housewifery , a● if she holds on as she begins , she wo'd soon eat her Husband out of house and home ; onely a Mille● might venture on her with all faults , she being much of his Complexion ; and for her Diet ▪ the eating of Meal wo'd be at others charges ▪ and the walls of his Winde●ill are not compriz'd in her Bill of Fare . Character 43. Of Liberty . 1 ▪ F●ee as I was 〈◊〉 I●le li●● , So shu'd every wi●e m●n do ▪ On●ly ●ools they 〈◊〉 , who give 〈◊〉 Freedo●●● 〈◊〉 I ●now not who . 2. If my weak●ess can●ot saye it , B●t t' must ●o , ( ●ha● e're it cost ) 〈◊〉 mor● str●●●● the● I shall have it , Can make goo● what I have los● . 3. S●ill fome E●c●llen●y shu'd be More i'●h ' Master then the Slave ; Whi●h in ●ther's till I s●e , None ●y Liberty shall have . 4. Nor i●'t Exc'llency enouf , Time or chance can marre or make ▪ But t' must be more lasting Stuff , Shall from me my freedom take . 5. I for Fortune nothing ●are , Bea●t●e's 〈◊〉 a glittering 〈◊〉 , Wh● without so g●●rio●● are , ●ave no m●re th●● I within . ● . Those to who●● 〈…〉 away , That w●i●h non● 〈…〉 , Shall ●e made of b●tter Clay , ●nd have 〈◊〉 Soul● th●n 〈◊〉 Character 44. Of a very Widdow . SHe shoots off Husbands as fast as Boyes do Pellets out of Pot-guns , and one discharg'd , all her care is to charge agen . She is as curious of her mourning dress , as if she rather courted a nêw Husband , then mourned for the ôld ; and her Glass and woman have more ado with putting on her Veil and Peak ▪ then formely ( in the dayes of Revelling ) with putting on her masking Cloathes . Before company she makes lament●ble moan , and squeezes out a tear or two ; but when she 's alone with her woman , she laughs at it , and all their discourse is , Who is the properest man ? and who would make the best Husband , &c. She counts her self widdowed , not for her bosome , but her bed , ( wisely making difference betwixt a Husband and a Friend ) and procures to have that warm still , when her Husband is scarcely cold ; whom she so soon forgets , as she never makes mention of any former Husband , but onely as a spur to the latter , with God be with him , he wo'd have done thus and thus ; and if he do not so too , is as ready to bid God be with him . In fine , she onely marries for a good Dowery , and when she ha's that , she cares not how soon she is rid of you ; so as were I to marry her , one of the Conditions of the Marriage shu'd be , that she shu'd be a Widdow no more , or beshrew me I 'de none of her . Character 45. Of a Mendicant Irish Priest. Made at Antwerp . HE goes over Seas in Trouses ; and there turns Beggar before he turns Student ; and learns the art of craving before any other Art : By which he brings all the Town where he lives into contribution for his maintenance , one giving him victuals , another cloathes , even to the devout honest Cobler , who gives him the mending of his Brougs or shooe● . If they be many of them , they beg some old House or other , ( which they call a Colledge ) and there live together like so many Beggars in a Barn ▪ and to stir up the peoples Charity and Compassion towards them , they tell them lamentable Stories of Ireland , and St. Patricks Purgatory , ( which they believe the sooner , because they look like so many poor souls come out of it themselves . ) Having thus provided for his other necessities , he begs his Learning , and having got a few scraps of Latine together , is made Priest ; when li●e a ragged Colt , he changes his Coat for a Cassock , so old and thread-bare , as t' ha●● neither lining nor outside , and you wo'd doubt where ever t' were new or no. Then by recommendation to some under Sacristan , he gets to say Dirges , by which and the Candles ends , he picks up a pretty Living , and is as sure as the Beggars of the Parish to be at every Dole and Funeral . After this , if he get a Chappel of some twenty Nobles a year , or to be under Pater to some Monastery of Nuns , he thinks himself a Bishop and very Patriarch ; and if he chance to come to any higher promotion , he is so glorious , as all this is forgot , and in short time himself too . Character 46. Of an irresolu●e Person . Made Anno 1653. HE hovers in his choice just like an empty ballance without any weight of judgement to incline him to either Scale . Every ●hing he thinks on , is matter of deliberation ▪ an● he does nothing read●ly , but what he thinks not on ; so as discourse , that helps others out of Labyrin●●s , is a Labyrinth to him ; and he of all creatures living wo'd be far wiser , if he had none at all . He begins nothing without consideration , and when he begins to consider once , never makes an end . He ha's some dull Daemon in him cryes do not , do not still , when he is going to do anything , which he obeys as a divine Revelation ; and he playes at shall I , shall I so long , till opportunity of doing it be past ; and then ( as he committed the faul● ) he repents at leasure . He still mislikes the present choice of things , as Scoggin did the Tree he was to be hang'd on , and is enemy to resolution ; or rather , as resolution were enemy to him , he is afeard of it , as often as he comes ●nto it . He could never bet at Cocking no● Horse Race yet , because the Battle or Race was alwayes done before he cu'd resolve which side to take ; and he is onely happy in this , that his irresolution hitherto ha's hindred him from marrying and entring into bonds . And 't is not the least part of his happiness , to be so long in chusing his Religion , ( if he be yet to chuse ) amongst so many Sects as we have now adayes , though 't is suppos'd he is a Quaker , by his wavering disposition ; and if he ●e , the next news you hear from him will be from B●dlam . Character 47. Of a changeable Disposition . HEr life is a perpetual contradiction , she would and she would not , and make ready the Coach , yet let it alone too drive to such a place , yet do not n●ither , is her ordinary Dialect . She differs from the irresolute , in that they are alwayes beginning , and she never makes an end ; and she writes and blots out again , whilst he 's deliberating what to write . One being endless à parte ante , t'other à parte post ; one being a resty , t'other a restless pain . So you can tell what to make of t'ones Negative and how two Negatives make an Affirmative ; but of her yea and nay together you know not what to make , but onely that she knows not what to make of it her self . Her thoughts and imaginations differ from others , as Grotesque figures do from natural ; and from Grotesque , in that these have some design in them , but thêy have none ; for she 'l call in all haste for one , and have nothing to say to them when they come ; and long and dye for somewhat , which when she ha's , she instantly throws away , never looking towards the end , but onely the beginning of things , nor standing still in her choice , but whirling perpetually about ; so as those who are of one minde to day , and another to morrow , are constant , compar'd to her , and Saturns Revolution , compar'd unto the Moons . For you know not where to have her a moment ; and whosoever would hit her thoughts , must shoot flying and flye themselves , whosoever would follow them . Character 48. Of a petty Politick . IF you would deceive him , tell him Truth , and believe what he sayes , if you would deceive your self . He goes ever vizzarded , and you can never know his true face , but may alwayes know 't is false . He cares 〈◊〉 in whose light ▪ he stands , so he may see , nor whose E●i●ice he ruines , so he may build his own ▪ so as they look on him not as a Man , but as some ravenous beast , homo homini Lup●● , that does all the harm and mischief he can to others ; by which he ha's got so ill a name ▪ as he is half hang'd already , and no body ( that knows him ) but wishes him wholly sô : and this fine Reputation he ha's got by his petty Pol●●y , that is nothing else but Wisedom distempered into Cra●t , far worse then Lying , ●or that makes onely the Tongue false , but thîs the Heart too ; and ha's a far worse effect , for that makes them not believe his words , but thîs , that they will not believe his deeds ; so as shu'd they see him do the best action in the world , they wo'd imagine he did it with some ill intent , and out of petty Policy , which is nothing else but Treachery in Fight , Per●id●ousness in Friendship , Couzenage in Gaming , and Deceit in Bargaining ; and whosoever uses it , in plain English is a Knave , though the qualifying Term be a Politician . Character 49. Of a good honest Catholick HE is that ve●us Israelita , or true Israelite , in whom there is no deceit ; and you may as safely take his word , as anothers bond or oath ; he had rather suffer then do wrong at any time ; and is so scrupulous , as he may oft deceive himself , but never you . He does as he sayes , and sayes as he thinks , and means well and hone●t●y in every thing ; and to see his Innocency and honest simplicity , you 'd think the Golden Age were return'd again . He counts Conversation b●●wixt man and man , his second Religion ▪ and for his first , betwixt God and himself , you 'd take him for one of the Primitive Christians ; and the Primitive Church were again reviv'd in him , where the name of Dishonesty was wholly unheard of amongst them ; and the thing it self amongst the Idea's of things unknown ▪ a Vertuè as rare as the Phenix now adayes ; when amongst such variety of Sects , there are far more Saints then honest men ; when amongst the boast of Christian Vertues , they have forgotten all Moral ones ; and when for pure scarcity of Honesty , he 's counted an honest man , who is not altogether a Knave . Character 50. Of a degenerate Nobleman . Made Anno 1652. HE is a certain silly thing , who now he ha's no voice in Parliament , scarcely knows what to say . He ha's made the name of Lord onely a mock-name , more ridiculous then the name of Lord of misrule in ancient times ; and they shun him , as they do Lord have mercy upon us , upon doors : and this plague he has brought upon himself , by foolishly imagining he shu'd be any thing , when those were nothing who made him all he is . As if the Stars shu'd conspire to deprive the Sun of light , or Streams to dry up the Fountain whence they flow'd : when no wonder if every Glow-worm or farthing Candle out-shines them now ; or that their greatness shu'd be at so low an ebb , as every one boldly strides over them , who durst not a●proach so nigh as their brinks before . So they just●e him now in the streets , who was wont before like Manderins , to make whole streets to give him way ▪ and no body takes notice of him , unless some one in scorn points at him ( perhaps ) and sayes , there goes a Lord ▪ and this is all the priviledge of Peerage they have now ; besides the having every base fellow without Commission to search their house , every Tradesman cite them before their Worships at next Shire-Towns , and every common Serjeant drag them away to Prison , where ●hey lye in the Dungeon or Common Goal : And this fine Prerogative they have got , who would needs pluck down the King , onely to be promoted to the Kings Bench themselves . Character 51. Of one that is truly Noble . Made at Antwerp , Anno 1651. HE is a Nobleman indeed , t'other onely in name and title ; and his Titles become him , and seem onely made for him , whilst t'other appears in them like Dwarf● in G●an●● Cloathing . He blazons his Arms by V●rtues , not by Colours ; and his Pedigree ▪ which is boast with t'other , is onely chron●cle to him ▪ He does praise wort●y things himself , well knowing the p●aise of his Ancestors are none of his ; and suffers them to get the start of him in nothing but priority of Time. Mean while he holds Courtesie so man● a part of Nobility , as he imagines That Nobleman does ●ut disguise himself , and puts on Peasants Cloathing , who is discourteous . Above all , he holds Loyalty so essential to Nobility , as he imagines he who is Disloyal once , not onely degrades himself , but all his Posterity of their Nobility . Of his Liberality . I say nothing , but onely imagine how liberal he wo'd be i● he had it nôw , when no worthy person co'd want it whilst he had any thing . To conclude , his minde is erect , what ever his Fortunes be ; and the Poverty of the time can no wayes deject him , who like an ancient Ruine , stands great whilst he stands , and wo'd fall great , however low he fell . Character 52. Of an uncertain Nature . SHe is the Anomula of her Sex , not to be compriz'd in any general rule , nor can any particular one be given of her . She is a Sea without a North-Star , and so full of shift●ng sands , as there is no sailing by Compass with ●er , nor venturing with●ut the Plummet st●●l in hand ; and you may spell Hebre● backwa●d● and decipher th● hardest Characters , b●t there is no spell●●g nor de●iphering h●r . One benefit she ha's by it , that Flattery can nev●● sinde her out ▪ for now she likes a thing , and presently dislikes i● ; now she 's of one opinion , and presently of another ; so as you may go twice into her company , and not twice into the same company ; and when she is in good or bad humour , you must go to a Cunning woman to know , for she 's not cunning woman enouf to know her self . In fine , she is a very Chamelion or Proteus in disposition , changing fashions of minde ofner then the French does fashions o' th' body ; and did she change but shapes as often , there 's none would know her : and the reason of all is ( perhaps ) because she does not know her self . Character 53. Of a Dull Countrey Gentleman . HE comes up to Town to get a Wife , and when he is there he knowes not what to ●ay , for he is the Mute of the Company where he comes , and onely playes a part in the Dumb Show . Or if he say any thing , he labours for it like a Pump , and presently his Spirits sink down agen and leave him dry . He sits nodding in company like a sleepy person over-watcht ; and rowse him with a Question , and he stares on you just like one newly wake● out of sleep . He looks with his mouth , and thinks you would sell him a Bargain when you ask him any thing , ( and 't is impossible to ask him any thing he understands ) yet when he is alone , he and his man Iohn have many a dry Discourse about Wiving ; and his man give● him as many cautions about good Husbandry , which he is apt to follow , being so miserable , as he grudges at Coach-hire , trembles at the name of Hide Park , Mulberry Garden , and the New Exchange ; and never bestows any thing on his Mistris above a Bottle of Ale , or pound of Cherries when they are at cheapest : So that unless he be rich , it may be long enough before he get a Wife ; and if he bê , a hundred to one but some Wife or other gets him , and afterwards make an Ass , if not an Oxe of him . Character 54. Of a School-boy . HIs Parents may well say of him , as another did of their Son , that they had pray'd sor a Boy so long , as they fear'd he woul● prove one all his life ; to which much confers their Breeding in Grammer-Schools , where they learn nothing but lying and loytering , and converse so much with Boyes , as they are quite marr'd for ever becoming Men. He ha's nothing so ready as his Hat at his fingers ends , which he twirles about in mighty agony , when he is out of his Lesson , and knows not what to say ; and ask him any question , and he looks about , as if he were seeking for an answer ; and when he answers you , scrapes such another leg , as Iack of the Clock-house , when he goes about to strike . He speaks in the tone he repeats his Lesson in , so fast as if his tongue were running away with it ; and so loud , as if all the company were deaf ; and out of his Lesson knows not what to say . Of his Manners I say nothing , for he ha's none at all ; nor is there any hope he will ever learn ; whose Head is so doaz'd with knocking , and Breech hardened with whipping , as he ha's neither fear nor wit. So as had I a Son whom I lov'd indeed , I 'de rather send him to Parish-Garden , to learn such tricks as the Ape does there , rather then such tricks as they learn at School . I mean not by thîs now your publick Grammer Schools , those Fountains of Learning , whose clear Streams flow into the Vniversities , but those dirty Puddles , where Children are rather defil'd then imbued with Learning ; whilst they learn nothing but to read Scripture , and then misinterpret it ; from which foul sink so many Fanaticks , like so many Ta●poles : have entred into the world . Character 55. Of your Fanatick Reformers . THey complain of the old Reformation , that they pluckt not down Churches and Cathedrals , as well as Abbies , and think they were not zealous enough , to leave so many Cross-styles to stumble the Brethren , and Cross-wayes , to make them erre and stray from Righteousness ; and for the Signs in the City , cry out against them , as the abomination of abominations , to see so many Popes-heads , so many Triple-Crowns , Bishops Miters , and Cardinals Caps , with Friars and Nuns , Beads , Agnus Dei's , and the like , which makes London look like a very Babylon : Whereas had they their will ▪ a Bird shu'd not flye in the air with its wings across , a Ship with its Cross-yard sail upon the Sea , nor prophane Taylor sit cross-legg'd on his Shop-board , or have Cross-bottom to winde his thread upon . As for the Signs , they have pretty well begun their Reformation already , changing the Sign of the Salutation of the Angel and our Lady , into the Souldier and Ci●izen , and the Katherine Wheel into the Cat and Wheel ; so as there onely wants their making the Dragon to kill St. George , and the Devil to tweak St. Dunstan by the Nose , to make the Reformation compleat . Such ridiculous work they make of their Reformation , and so zealous they are against all Mirth and Iollity ▪ as they would pluck down the Sign of the Cat and Fiddle too , if it durst but play so loud as they might hear it . Character 56. Of a French Dancing-Master in London . A French Dancing-master or Baladin , thinks himself a very Paladin of France , when h'a● left off being Vsher , and is a Master once . He ha's the Regimin of the Ladies Legs , and is the sole Pedagogue of their Feet , teaching them the French Language , as well as the French Pace , as Coupez , Passez , Levez &c. , ( which they understand as perfectly as English ) he fetches them up in their Courant with a hei Courage ! as a Carter does his Horses with a Whip ; and makes as many antick Gestures the while , as a Bowler does when his Bowl 's a trundling . He makes a Pilgrimage every year to Paris to learn new Dances , and distributes at his return his Branles , Gavots and Sarabands amongst his Schollars , as Pilgrims do the Relicks of the Shrine where they have been ; speaking as reverently of Monsieur Provost the while , as thêy do of the Saint whose Shrine they have visited . There was a long contention betwixt the French Taylor and him , in point of Gentility , till by Montague's means the French Dancing-master carry'd it . In fine , he lives a merry life and a long ; for his Dancing-days are never done , whilst he makes all dance after his Fiddle , and he is a brave Fellow all the year ; but on a Ball or Grand Ballet night without compare . Character 57. Of a School of young Gentlewomen . TO shew how far they are remov'd from Court-breeding , their Schools most commonly are erected in some Countrey Village nigh the Town , where to save charges , they have the worst Masters as can be got for Love or money , learning to quaver instead of singing , hop instead of dancing , and rumble the Virginals , scratch the Lute , and rake the G●itar , instead of playing neatly and handsomely . As for their Languages , a Mag pie in a Moneth would learn to chatter more then they do in a year . And for their Behaviour , it is nothing else but a low Courtzie , with a bridling cast of their Chin to fetch it up agen . And lastly , for their Work , ( in which they chiefly glory ) there are frequent Examplars of it , how some one or other makes such work with them , as the stitches of it can never be pickt out agen without the Midwives help . Mean time I will not say their reverend Mistris is a Bawd , ( who thinks her self another Deborah for Government ) but certainly she is little less , to give admittance to such Vermin into their Burroughs , ( under the name of Couzens ) who when their heads are in once , all their body naturally follows ; no Sweet-meat nor Comfit-makers Shop being more haunted in hot weather with Wasps and Flies , then these Schools be , with all the wilde Gallants about the Town . Character 58. Of a Lady of excellent Conversation . YOu would imagine all the Muses and Graces were in her when she speaks ; Her Conversation both for words , matter , and manner of delivery , is so charming , pleasant , and delightful , even to the tone and accent of her voice , which is so sweet and harmonious , as 't is more Musick to hear her speak , then others sing . Discourse , which is a Tyranny with others , is a Commonwealth with her , ( where every ones opinions are free ) and she is so easie company , as 't is pleasure to be in it , whilst ( like uneasie Garments ) you are not in others without pain . She never contradicts any , but onely blushes when they speak impertinently , ( a greater reprehension ( to those who understand blushes ) then can be exprest in words ) and ha's too much Reason to use Pa●sion , ( the Arms of falshood ) to defend the Truth ▪ But having deliver'd her opinion , if yôu yield not , shê does , rather then contend with you , and leaves you the shame of the Victory , when with more honour you might have been overcome . She does not rashly take up argument , nor abruptly lay it down agen , but handsomely assumes it , delightful continues it , and like an Air in Musick , just comes unto the close , when the ear expects it . In fine , her Conversation is ●ar more chearful then theirs , who laugh more , and smile less ; true joy being a chearful thing , and as far different from light and giggling mirth , as Elemental fire from Squibs and Cracker ; so as Promethian-like , she inspires all who converse with her with noble flame and spirit ; it being Virtue to know her , Wisdom to converse with her , refinest Breeding to observe her , and a Species of the joy and happiness of t'other life , to enjoy the happiness of her Conversation in this . Character 59. Of a young Enamourist HAving left the School , and School-boyes Toyes , next Toy he gets is a Mistris , whom he courts with legs and faces , out of Ovid , or some of your modern Poets ▪ and he talks of Phoebus and Cupid , and of so many Gods and Goddesses , as you 'd take him for some Pagan never converted to Christianity . He sighs like a dry Pump , or broken winded Bellows ; and to hear him , you●d never wonder at Lapland Witches selling winde so cheap . There is nothing so cold , as to hear him talk of Flames ▪ nor so dull , as to hear him talk of Cupids darts ; and you 'd forswear Love , to hear but how he makes it . Mean time , his Mistris lets him know , that 't is in Love as 't is in War , which declar'd once , y' are to expect nothing but Hostility ; and knows 't is with Lovers , as 't is with Anglers , who feed fishes till they are caught ; but caught once , feed on them ; so 't is long e're she bite at the bait , unless he be rich , and then she nibbles a little to draw him on , else she jears him to death , as they Rhyme Rats in Ireland , and he dyes a Quaker in Love at last , ( of all Sects the most ridiculous ) the subject of some lamentable Ballad , that tells you how he is gone to the Elizian Fields , when'tis onely by Moor Fields , ( perhaps ) where they are buried amongst the mad men and Quakers , and there 's an end of them . Character 60. Of a Precieuse ; or , Artificial Beauty . SHe uses ●he Trewel instead of the Pencil , and paints so palpably , as if she sought not colour to hide it , but rather to publish it . She is as dextrous at the Fan , as a Butcher at the Fly-flap , and ha's as much need to keep the flyes from her face , as he from his meat . She goes a sowling for Gallant 's , and now makes Springes for them of her hair , now Pit-falls of her breasts , and now Lime-twigs of her looks ; and more glories in the multiplicity of them , then a Lawyer of his Clients , or Physician of his Patients . Mean time , who treat her , may intreat any thing of her ; and he who ha's the Coach , may carry her any where : she thinking the point of honour to consist more in Reputation of Beauty , then Fame ; and of being fair , then good . So passes she the Spring-tide , and Summer of her Bea●ty , merrily , till growing tow●rds Autumn with her , more Arts are necessary to repair the defects of Beauty , and decayes of Age ; no old Cottage ever needing more reparations then she , nor more Arts to maintain it : She now complaining sh 'as got a Cold , or sleeps not well a nights , that her ill looks may be imputed unto that accident ; now seeking dark corners to shew her warpt Complexion in , as couzening Citizens do to shew their counterfeited ▪ Ware ▪ until at last , when none of these miserable shifts will serve , she pretends to Wisdom when her Folly will hold out no longer ; and courts the reputation of Good , when she can have no longer thât of Fair. Character 61. Of a Natural Beauty . Made at Cobham , Anno 1655. WHether a chearful Air does rise , And elevate her fairer Eyes ; Or else a pensive Heaviness Her lovely Eye-lids does depress , Ever the same becoming Grace Accompanies her Eyes and Face : Ever you'd think that Habit best , In which her Count'nance last was drest . Poor Beauties ! whom a Blush or Glance Can sometimes make look fair by chance ; Or curious Dress , or artful Car● , Can make seem fairer then they are : Give me the Eyes , give me the Face , To which no Art can adde a Grace ; Give me the Looks , no Garb nor Dress Can ever make more fair , or less . Character 62. Of a Novice of the — 's Order . HE is a young Lover , and his Order is his Mistris , that to try his constancy , makes a fool of him ; the more doz'd and bemoapt he is , the better still , 't is a sign he is right , and ha's a true vocation ; and if he have any wit or judgement of his own , they cry out on him for a very Reprobate . He hates all women-kinde , and calls a Petticoat Leviathan , and a Smock ( but innocently blanching on a hedge ) Asteroth , or the foul Devil of Fornication . He walks with his Eyes as fixed in his head , as a dead Hares in a Poulterers shop , and crumples up himself like a Hog-louse , for fear of ●ffusion . He makes as many stops as he goes , as an old rusty Jack , and windes up himself as often to rectifie his intention . He sayes his Our Fathers as devoutly as others their Our Father ; and counts the Patron of his Order the greatest Saint in Heaven . He is no more mov'd then a Statua at a chiding or reprehension , and is as peart and brisk after a good Discipline , as an Ape after a whipping . He breaks Glasses , and thinks to make all whole agen , with a Deo gratias , which is the word when he does any thing ( as he does every thing ) untowardly . In fine , his Novitiat passes just like an enchantment with him , and he 's in Ex●asie all the while , till tow'rds the end he recovers by degrees , and the Charm expir'd , he becomes like other men . Character 63. Of a wicked debaucht Person . HIs minde is a Room all hung with A●etins Pictures , and he is practising a pace to design after them , and de facto ha's coppied out most of them already . He is not capable how any one can be chaste , and when he cannot sin in act , he does it in imagination : Every thing with him is incensive unto Lust , and shew him but so much Smock as would scarce make Tinder , and he is all afire with it presently . His words are able to defile the ears , and corrupt the manners of any one that hears him ; and there is no such dirty Habitation , nor unwholesom air , then that wherein he breathes . He is so little asham'd of his Vices , as he glories in them , and shu'd be sorry an● asham'd that any one shu'd be more vicious then he . He knows no crying sins but his own Bastards , nor cryes for any himself , but thos● which send him to the Surgeons every Spring and Fall , ( when his sweats are more for his own then Adams sins ) and if he lose a Nose ( or so ) in the service , he as much glories in it , as a Souldier in wounds he has receiv'd in the Wars ; and shews that one may be as impudent in being noseless as frontless at any time . To give you his Character in brief , he laughs at Conscience and Religion , his God is his lust , and he believes there is no Devil but onely a handsome Wench : He thinks Hell onely a good Winter Parlour , Heaven onely a pleasant Summer Seat ; and for the narrow way thither , knows no other , but onely the High-way to Maidenhead . Character 64. Of an English Papist Ass. KIng Iames ( of happy memory ) was wont to say , that the Papist was his honest Ass , he might lay what load he would upon him , and he would bear it patiently ; but the Presbyterea● was such a skittish Iade , as he kickt and winc't at the least load laid on him . Certainly if Persecution be not the nighest way to Heaven , he goes the farthest way about ; for every one persecutes him , and he bears the burthen of every one : Nor will they allow him the priviledge of Balaams Ass , to speak when he is beaten , but like Horace's , he must onely be patient , and shak● his ears . Mean time , he bears the faults of every one ; and as * one said wittily , They rail at Popery , when the Land is almost lost in Presbytery ; and cry out Fire , fire , in Noahs Flood . And though the wiser sort perceive their cunning in 't , to finde fault first , when they are faulty themselves , yet the ignoront are cheated with it , who still think those most faulty , who are most cryed out upon , and take the poor Ass for some terrible monster of the Sea of Rome , ( as the Major of Huntington did a Colt for a Sturgeon ) whilst others know , he is a good honest Ass , who never fail'd his Master in time of need , as most of those who rail on him have done . In fine , all I will say of him is this , he is a scrupulous Ass , he is a patient Ass , and your French Ass would never bear half so much , not of the Pop● himself . Character 65. Of a Physician . BY Sin Sickness first entred into the world , and by Sickness Death and the Physician ▪ behold how some derive his Pedigree . Others say , that as Laws beget Abuses , and Lawyers Processes , so Physicians do Sicknesses and Maladies . Certain 't is , he and Death are but Couzen Germans once ●emov'd , and both of the same Trade and Occupation of killing men , however ( by corruption of the Judge ) the Physician 'scapes , and Death is condemned for it . Another reason why Physician never yet held up his hand at the Bar for killing Patient , is because the Crowners Quest finde it self-murder in those who take Physick of them . They do more harm then good in the world ( certainly ) for all his saying , that did not Physicians kill men so fast as they do , the world wo'd be too full of them ; and who say we must honour Physicians for n●cessity , mean onely that they are necessary Evils , against whom David prayed infallibly , when he desir'd to be deliver'd from his Necessities . And for my part , as 't is said , Necessity has no Law , so I could wish it had no Physicians too , for so we shu'd have no Diseases , or at least be rid of thêm , the greatest Disease of all . But all this now is to be understood not of our English , but the Physicians here , who with their six penny ' Fees have Skill accordingly ; whilst ours with their Golden Fees have Golden Skill , and therefore we honour them : whilst here your poor ▪ Signieur Doctore , is alwayes beaten , and made the ridiculous subject of every Farse . Character 66. Of an English Merchant , resident in Forreign Parts . Made Anno 1648. during his Travels in the Levant . HE is one who goes abroad with a stock of Honour as well as Money to traffick with , and makes a brave return of either . He is a Master and not a Slave to Wealth , and such a Master , as puts it onely to noblest us●s , ( neither sticking at trivial expence nor gain . ) He anticipates not poverty , for fear of being poor , ( like those who kill themselves for fear of death ) nor accelerates it with vain glory of appearing rich , ( like those who guild over ruinous Palaces ) but whilst he neither starves the Channel with penuriousness , nor exhausts the Spring with prodigality , ha's the art to keep the Stream still running , and the Fount still full ; so as look in his Ware-house , and you finde him a wealthy Merchant , in all the rest of his House a noble Gentleman , and he onely follows his profit on writing dayes , and on all other days his pleasure , &c. So as we may truly say in these dead times , there are none live but he ; who whilst your landed men are outed of all they have , as long as the Sea is open , is sure of his coming in . To conclude he is the Honour of his Nation abroad ; and his Nation shu'd be most ungrateful , shu'd it not alwayes honour him . But now you must understand , I speak of such an one , as either live● where they pretend to the Universal Monarchy at thîs day , or else where they had it in former times ; and not of those penurious ones , who live in your colder Climates nigher home , betwixt whom and him there is as much difference , as betwixt them and your Scotch Pedlars . Character 67. Of a timerous Disposition . Made Anno 1657. HE is onely for facile and easie things ▪ and if you employ him not in what he is good for , he is good for nothing . He is a● unfit for dangerous Negotiations , as a London Wher●y for an East India Voyage , and dares not offend the present Authority for his life . He is not Cavalier enough , to understand your Gallantry of dying ; nor Divine , nor Philosoph●r enough , to know what good he can do wh●n he is dead . Like the slavish Americans , he offers as much Incense to those who may harm him , as those who can do him good . Mean time , sacrificing more out of Fear then Love , he is but half an Idolater at least . Whence in times of Trouble and Persecution , he pretends not so much to Merit as Excuse ; and though he be far from a Rubrick Saint himself , yet at least he honours those who are ; and hopes to be saved by others merits , though not his own , amongst the common sort of Christians ; who when any storms of persecution rise , will be sure , which way soever the winde does blow , to keep on the windy side of danger still . Character 68. Of a petty French L●tenist in England . Made Anno 1653. HE is a Fellow , who with ill cloathes , and worse meen comes over into England , and there sets up a Court of Judicatur● , arraigning our Mu●ick , Instruments , and Musicians here , for not being a la mode de France ; and almost the Hands too , for not being mangie about the Wrists like his . Especially , he cannot away with the double Neck , and twelve ranks of strings upon the Lute , ( though far more easie and commodious ) because it is not of their Invention . If his fingers be so weak , they can scarce crawle over a Lute , then to play gently and softly is the mode , & doucement is the word ; and if they be so gouty and chilblain'd , as they rake the strings worse then if they were grated on with a ragged staff , then strong and lusty is the mode , and fort and gallyard is the word agen . If you like not his play , he tells you he ha's at least the new method of Paris , and that he teaches a ravir & ●on pareille ; and for his Pieces , ( though rak't out of Gualtiers Dunghil , or collected from the Privy-house of Desaut ) he keeps them as precious Reliques , and gives out such for new , as were made before the Avignon , or the Popes coming there . In fine , he is the Mountebank of himself , and though he ha's nothing to commend him besides himself , and the being French , ( for which reason you may commend the Pox as we●l ) yet your English are so foolish to admir● him ; nor will it ever be otherwise , till some such zealous Patriot rise up against them , as he , who hearing them talk of the F●e●ch Pox ▪ bid them call it the English , with a Pox to them , for we had as good as the French ha● any . Character 69. Of an English Inne . Made Anno 1654. AN English Inne is a House of so ancient standing , as 't is ready to fall down agen ; onely its Sign-poast is new , and in that consists its greatest Gallantry . Within 't is a great Machin of four wheels , Ostler , Cook , Tapster , and Chamberlain , with mine Hoast and Hoastis , the main Springs that move all the rest . Being entred , they all fall to couzening you in their severall Vocations ; the Ostler your Horses , the rest you ; the Cook with meat so tough and raw roasted as spite of your teeth y' are forc't to leave it to the house , the Tapster in so miscounting his stone Iuggs , as you may as well count the Stoneage as them ; then the Chamberlain uses such couzenage with his Faggots , as the fire it self can scarcely bring to light . For your Chamber , it seems the Press-yard by the pillars of the bed , with a Teastern so heavy , as if it fall on you , Lord have mercy upon you , and for more exquisite torment and lingring pain ; you have a heavy Tapestry for Coverlet , in Summer kills you with heat , and in Winter with cold as well as weight ; with a Feather-bed , whose feathers ( as if you flounc't into the water ) part on either side , and leave you in the midst to sink unto the bottom . For mine Hoast and Hoas●is , who were wont to be good fellows in the dayes of jollity , their humours are spoild in this time of godliness an● stumm'd Sack and Religion ha's quite mar●d their mirth ; onely mine Hoast will make a shift still to b● half drunk every day , and on Market dayes out-right , when he is wonderous kinde : and his kindeness chiefly consists in a pin● of Sack to the Master , and a double Iug unto the Servingman , alwayes in order to the Reckoning , which as a Warning-piece being discharged once , there follows a whole volley of Welcomes , like small shot discharg'd on every side , and you are discharged too . Character 70. Of a Chymerical Poet. Made in Africk . WIth his monstrous Simile's and Hyperbole's he is like a Painter , who makes onely Chimera's and Grotesque work , whilst others Figures are natural , and to the life ; by seeking out new wayes , he mistakes the way to Helicon , and loses himself by going out of the common Road. He is like Statius on his great Horse , now on the top , now on the bottom of Parnassus , and ha's not art enough to keep him to a constant pace . His Conceits come across from him , and stick by the way ; and his many Parenthesis's are but like the boggling of resty Jades , when they can't or wo'nt advance . His Muse is none of the Nine , but a Mungril or By-blow of Parnassus ; and her Beauty , is rather Sophistical then natural . He offers at Learning and Philosophy , as Pullen and Stubble-Geese offer to flye , and presently come fluttering down agen . His high-sounding Words and Verses are but like empty Tunns or Hogs-heads , which make the greater sound the emptier they are . A long while some admi●'d him , because they understood him not , and for the same reason he admir'd himself : But now they have ' found out the Cheat , 't is thought Ica●us fate will be his , who for flying too high , came to be drowned at last ▪ and he had sunk long since , had not some like bladders b●lovd him up ; which support now failing him , he will sink faster then heavy bodies fall unto the Center . Character 71. Of a too ordinary Courtier . Made at Lisbon in Portugal . BEsides his own , he ha's the Iesters Office too , and by ●t a double priviledge , to say what he list , and not to be whipt for 't when h 'as done . He is a perpetual Libel ; in the Court , of others ; and to others , of the Court : and they repeat but his bold speeches , when they would speak ill of it . His railing differs as much from Raillery , as Butchers playing at Cudgels does from Gentlemens playing at Foyles ; and he 's worse then Aretin , who demanded why he spoke not ill of God , ( since he spoke ill of every one ) answered , Porche no I' cognosco , because I know him not , ( for he speaks ill as well of those he knows not , as those he knows ) and if Bashfulness and Modesty be a Vertue in the Countrey , but a Vice in Court , 't is the onely Vice he is free from ; for he is never from about the Prince , nor ever without some suit to beg of him ▪ so as a fawning Spanniel with this Motto , Quid me ●ultis dare ? or what will you give me , wo'd be the right Embleme of him . Though he g●t● more then h● deserves , yet he is alwayes complaining , and thinks he gets not so much as he deserves ; when had he his deserts , he shu'd be banished the Court , since if it be a Heaven or Firmament where the Prince is the Sun , and other Courtiers bright Stars of severall Magnitudes , he is a dark Cloud that obscures all the rest , and the Court wo'd shine far brighter , were he away . Character 72. Of one who troubles her self with everything . HEr minde is just like their Stomacks , who convert , all the nourishment they take , unto Di●eases , ; for every thing is matter of trouble with her , and not contented with her own , she troubles her self with those of others too , and will go a thousand miles out of her way to seek it , if she finde none nigher hand . She is perpetually haunted with a panick fear of , Oh what will become of us ! &c. and the stories of Apparitions in the Air , and Prognosticks of extraordinary accidents to happen in the year 66. ( when perhaps 't is nothing but the extraordinary gingle of numbers ) makes her almost out of her wits agen . She troubles her self besides with conditionary thoughts of things that ne're were , nor are , nor are like to be ▪ and for her own business , she makes such work of it , as what betwixt doing and undoing it , like Penelope's web , she never makes an end , ( nor can any else for her at last , she so intangles it ) and all this onely for want of knowing how much care and thought she is to bestow on things . Whence bestowing all she ha's on every thing , as long as there 's a world , or she is in the world , her care must needs be infinite and immense . To conclude , her minde seems nothing else but an Hospital of sick and diseased thoughts ; so throng'd and pester'd with 'um , as there 's no room for any healthy ones . Whence her preposterous lodging , all her care and solicitude within doors , and her comfort all without ; she is so unfortunate , to have the one still at hand when she needs it least ; and t'other still to seek , when she ha's most need of it . Character 73. Of one who troubles himself with nothing . HE thanks God for giving him such a minde , as he neither cares for what he cannot have , nor scarce for any thing others can deprive him of . He places all his contentment within himself , and suffers nothing without to trouble him . He counts it folly to grieve and sorrow for any thing but our sins , since grief and sorrow can remedy nothing else . He loves easie Company as he does easie Garments , and throws off either when they pain and trouble him . He so loves his Liberty , as he won't be Slave to any , much less to his own Passions , ( to have his minde free at least , and not still carry his master along with him . ) Even in Friendship he takes the more delightful part , and leaves the more troublesome of Adieus and condoling , and the like , and so hates to be in debt , as he loves not to be too much oblig'd by any one . He avoids all high wayes of the vulgar , and by-wayes in Religion , not to erre in Faith nor Opinion ; and strives so to live in this life , as he may have no fear of the other when he comes to dye . To enjoy its pleasures more purely , he willingly relinquishes all the honours and profit of this world ; living neither in the higher Region of the Air , where storms and tempests are ingendred ; nor in the lower , where they are most subject to them ; but in the middle , where all is quiet and tranquile . So lives he in this world , as if he were out of it , enjoying all its innocent pleasures , and for the rest — They have most pleasure who enjoy them least . Character 74. Of a Iovial Old Nobleman . UNder whatsoever Constellation he was born , he is all Iovial , when others are Saturnine ; and no man was ever more beholding then he to Nature , who even in old Age ha's given him the spirit and vigour of Youth ; and is so feard he shu'd be ever wholly old , as she gives him a youthful minde in an aged body still . He is the Scharamacchio of Court and State , and is a Statesman and Courtier travesty , doing more business with trifling , then others with their seriousness ; and his Grimaces are more worth then all their Gravity ; for whilst they by laying open siege , but allarum men , and put them on their defence , he by intelligence with the humours of every one , suddenly enters their bosoms , and takes them by surprize . He knows sô , how to multiply himself , as he is all to all , and all to every one ; especially amongst the Ladies he ha's Kindred and Affinity with every one ; and he 'l call an old Lady of four-score , Wife or Daughter ; and a young one of fourteen , Mother or Grandmother , ( onely to be more merry and facetious ) He comes in singing , & goes out dancing still ; so as 't is impossible to be melancholly where he is ; and even Heraclitus in his company cu'd not without laughter pass o're this vale of tears . In fine , he is the Democratis of the Age , and whilst others act Tragedies or Trage-Comedies on the Theatre of the world , he onely acts Farses and Comedies whilst he lives ; and when he dyes , they shu'd onely write benè per acta fabula , he play'd his part well , on his Tomb for Epitaph . Character 75. Of an old Lady , who lookt ill upon him , Under the name of Misa . Made Anno 1653. NOw what a Devil , Misa , makes Thee with such Eyes behold me still ? 'Cause from thee Time thy good looks takes , Must I needs the●efore have thy ill ? I prethee Misa don'● behol● Me thus , as if I were thy foe , For howsoever thou art old , I am not Time that made thee so . And rather then to quarrel with me , As if t' were I had done thee wrong , Go quarre● with thy Age I prethee , Whose fault 't is thou hast liv'd so long . Howe're for me thou well mayest spare Thy Anger , and thy Frowns may ●●ase ; Who for thy good looks little care , Do's for thy bad ones care much less . Character 76. Another on the same . LEt A●tumn paint her withered leaves , And Winter dye his snowy Hair ; Yet he 's a Fool that not perce●ves , That both but counterfeited are . So whilst you 'l needs look young again , And still seem fair unto our sight ; Misa , your labour 's all in vain , Like his , wo'd wash ●he Ethiope white . Nature by Art is b●tter made , Whilst Art ha'● ground for what it does ▪ But when the Gr●und-work's once decay'd , All Art but ●ore deformed shows . Who lookt w●ll in King James his Reign , And i●●ing Charles his old appear'd , Will hard●y now look young again , When ●h ' Commonwealth has got a Beard . Then Misa , follow my advice , And leaving off thy bootless care , Stri●e rather to win Hearts then Eyes , And to appear more Good then Fair. Character 77. Of a Valiant Man. HE is only a Man ; your Coward , but a Tame and rash , a wilde and savage Beast . His Courage is still the same , and drink cannot make him more valiant , nor danger less . His Sword is not alwayes out , like Childrens Daggers , but he is as feard to enter into quarrels , as he is fearless when he is in them once . He is never in passion , and knows no degree beyond clear Courage , being alwayes valiant , but never furious . He holds Boast ( the Cowards valour ) and Cruelty ( the beasts ) unworthy a valiant man ; and is onely Coward in this , that he dares not do an unhandsome action . He is neither quarrelsome nor querulous , nor forwards in harming , nor too fearful in being harm'd ; but his Sword in War , is the same as Justice's Ballance is in Peace . The more fierce he is in the Field , the more g●ntle he is in the Chamber ; and he is not all out-side , like those Souldiers who are nothing but Buff and Feather , but he ha's the inside of a Souldier , with the outside of a Courtier ; and is as gallant amongst the Ladies , as in the face of an Enemy : they well therefore joyned Mars and Venus together , for t'one is too harsh and rough , t'other too soft and Effeminate ; both together make the best Composition of a Valiant man. Character 78. Of Mrs Stuart . STuart a Royal Name ●hat springs From Race of Calidonian Kings ; Whose Compositio● and fair Frame Addes honour to tha● Royal Name : What praises can I worthy finde , To celebrate thy Form a●d Minde ? The greatest power that is ●n Earth , Is given to Princes by their Birth ; But ther●'s no pow'r in Earth ●or Heaven More great then what 's to Bea●ty given ▪ Thâ● makes not onely men relent ▪ When unto Rage and Fury bent ; B●● Lions 〈◊〉 , and Tygers milde , All f●erceness from ●heir Breasts exil'd . Such wonders ye● could ne're be don● By Bea●tie's force and pow'r alo●e , Without ●he pow'r and force to boot Of excelle●t Goodness adde● to 't . For just as D●amonds we behold More ●rightly shine whe● set in Gold : So Beauty shines far brighter yet , I● Vertue and in Goodness set . Continue then but what you are , So admirably Good and Fair ; Let Pri●ces by t●eir Birth-rights sway , You 'l have a Pow'r as great as they . I represent this Lady op●nly , and without Enigma , since her Beauty is so bright , and Vertue 's so transp●rent , as they cannot be shaddow'd nor over-clouded ; and with her conclude th●se Characters , since I cannot con●lude them with a fairer Subject . FINIS . Notes, typically marginal, from the original text Notes for div A39707-e60 * The Assembly man , pag. 18.