A character of coffee and coffee-houses by M.P. M. P., 17th cent. 1661 Approx. 18 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 7 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2004-03 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A56639 Wing P77A ESTC R28769 10758813 ocm 10758813 45679 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A56639) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 45679) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 1407:34) A character of coffee and coffee-houses by M.P. M. P., 17th cent. 10 p. 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Coffee -- Moral and ethical aspects. 2003-10 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2003-11 Apex CoVantage Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2003-12 Mona Logarbo Sampled and proofread 2003-12 Mona Logarbo Text and markup reviewed and edited 2004-02 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion A CHARACTER OF COFFEE AND Coffee-Houses . By M. P. LONDON , Printed for Iohn Starkey , neer the Devil-Tavern , by Temple-Barr . 1661. A CHARACTER OF COFFEE AND COFFEE-HOUSES . A Coffee-house is free to all Comers , so they have Humane shape , where a Liquor made of an Arabian Berry called Coffee is drunk . Six or seven years ago was it first brought into England , when the Palats of the English were as Fanatical , as their Brains . Like Apes , the English imitate all other people in their ridiculous Fashions . As Slaves they submit to the Customes even of Turky and India . Doth the French-man wear Feathers in his Hat , and Pantaloons to hide his stradling ? Believe it , the English-man will be a la mode de France . With the Barbarous Indian he smoaks Tobacco . With the Turk he drinks Coffee . The English-man , might he himself misplace , Sure to be crosse , would shift both feet and face . 2. These capricious Islanders , of the Hop , Malt , Cock , China , Rash-berry , and other ingredients , make and swallow as many and as various sorts of Drink , as they amongst them have Sects and Opinions . They drink as much Canary , as its native Countrey produceth . 'T is said , they devoure down a greater quantity of Wine , ( called Canary . ) than the Canaries afford . All Countries send in hither their several sorts of Wine and other Liquors . This variety of drink satisfies not the voraginous Palat of the English. Even the Deserts of Arabia are ransackt for a Berry , which made into a drink , is as thick as puddle-water , and so ugly in colour and tast , that Poets hereafter will undoubtedly choose it , as the best resemblance to describe the Stygian Lake by . Oh Heavens , how do the English Palats differ from those of more sober Nations ? These preserve Snow to temper their Liquor with , those gulch down Coffee even boyling in the Dish , more eagerly , than an almost ●●arved Dog doth lick up Pottage , just then taken from the fierce fire . In time ( sure ) the English-man will swallow down burning Coals . 3. Coffee is a Dryer , and therefore with successe is drunk by those Gentlemen , who are infected with the French-pox , which is now become the Characteristal difference between the plumed Nobless and the high-shoon . Alas , Vertue is a pedantical and vulgar quality . 4. 'T is extolled for drying up the Crudities of the Stomack , and for expelling Fumes out of the Head. Excellent Berry ! which can cleanse the English-man's Stomak of Flegm , and expel Giddinesse out of his Head. Yet it is certain , that for the small space of an hour or thereabouts it hath expelled out of an English head and Stomack these infirmities . But after such a little interval , they return again . And the house being thus swept and cleansed , seven Devils enter it . For Physicians say , that Coffee causeth the Meagrim and other Giddinesses in the Head , &c. Of this dayly experiment may be made : For if you set Short-hand-writers to take down the Discourse of the Company , who prattle over Coffee , it will be evident on reading the Notes , that the talk is extravagant and exactly like that of the Academians of Bedlam , and such , as any others , would be asham'd of , but themselves . 5. Coffee makes no man drunk . But for this , it is no more to be commended , than a Neates-tongue , a dish of Anchovaes , or a salt Bit , which never yet intoxicated any man. For Coffee being mixt with the more drying smoak of Tobacco makes too many run to the Tavern or Ale-house to quench their thirst , which they cannot satisfy , till out of their gorged stomacks , they send up rich Sacrifices to Liber Pater . 6. This forein Liquor in truth qualifies the Vapours of Wine , which makes your Good Fellows resort thither to heat their Stomacks made cold and infirm by their having powred thereinto too too much Wine , and thus they inable their weak Stomacks to receive a new Load . But hereby in part may be made a Judgment of the good Company of this place . O Heavens ! how well will the Barrels of Herings ( imposed on these houses ) agree with Coffee . 7. Coffee being dry , in proportion , dryes up the Radical moisture . By constant use thereof , a man becomes , — ad unum Mollis opus — The other Sex hath just cause to curse the day , in which it was brought into England ; Had Women any sense or spirit , they would remonstrate to his Majestie , that Men in former times were more able , than now , They had stronger Backs , and were more Benevolent , so that Hercules in one night got fifty Women with Child , and a Prince of Spain was forc'd to make an Edict , that the Men should not repeat the act of Coition above nine times in a night , for before that Edict , belike Men did exceed that proportion ; That in this Age , Men drink so many Spirits and Essences , so much Strong-water , so many several sorts of Wine , such abundance of Tobacco , and ( now at last ) pernicious Coffee , that they are grown as impotent as Age , as dry and as unfruitful , as the Deserts of Africk . Having remonstrated this , they then would ( were they wise ) petition his Majesty to forbid Men the drinking of effeminating Coffee , and to command them instead thereof to drink delicious Chocolate . 8. 'T is the Interest also of Women to have this drink damn'd , lest the Men bereave them of one of their most excellent and appropriated Qualities , that is Garrulity and Talkativeness . In this Age Men tattle more than Women , and particularly at the Coffee-house , when the number hath been but six , five of them have talkt at one time . The Company here have out-talk'd an equal number of Gossipping Women , and made a greater noise than a Bake-house . Men are here born down by clamour , which resembles at times the noise of the Cataracts of Nilus , but alwayes resembles a School , fill'd with Children , every one conning his Lesson aloud . 9. Here Men carried by instinct sipp muddy water , and like Frogs confusedly murmur Insignificant Notes , which tickle their own ears , and to their inharmonious sense , make Musick of jarring strings . Hic fluvius Verborum , vix gutta Mentis . 10. In this confused way of gabbling the Coffee-drinkers fondly imagine , that they make a better Consort , than four and twenty Violins . They run from point to point , from one subject to another , as insensibly and as swifty , as Polewheel runs division on the Base Viol. 11. The day sufficeth not some Persons to drink 3. or 4 dishes of Coffee in . They borrow of the night , though they are sure , that this drink taken so late , will not let them close their Eyes all night . These men are either afraid to be alone with themselves , or they to excess love Company , so that they never set apart any time to converse with themselves . This ill-tasted Liquor ( by what charms I know not ) makes Men to neglect and forsake themselves ; for Who cannot rest , till he good Fellows find , He breaks up house , turns out of dores his mind . 12. At this place a man is cheated of what is , by far more valuable than Mony , that is , Time. A constant Companion of this House going in all haste for a Midwife , or to save the life of a Friend then dying , must call in , and drink at least his two dishes of Coffee and his two Pipes of Tobacco . And which is yet more wonderful , many persons prefer Coffee , ( and the Company , which love it ) before the gain of money , for many men neglect their Callings and Vocation , to tattle away their time over two or three dishes of Coffee . 13. Here is no respect of persons . Boldy therefore let any person , who comes to drink Coffee sit down in the very Chair , for here a Seat is to be given to no man. That great privilege of equality is only peculiar to the Golden Age , and to a Coffee-house . However even here , a small portion of Wit , gilded over with an Estate , hath an influence . Mony ! Thou art the Man , and Man but Dross to thee . Or with Iuvenal I may say , — O nummi vobis hunc praestat honorem Vos estis fratres — So also is it here in respect of Titles ; Children do not more for a time value their Babies , than Titles are for a while here gazed on . Even a — as such , gains as good an opinion as the place is capable of . Light-things weigh much in those Scales , which are here used , Heavy , little or nothing . Wisedom and Vertue are every where used , as fanatical — 14. Such is the humour of the Coffee-meetings , that that person shall gain more love and respect , who gives to the Company a Suger-plum , than he who bestows gifts more befitting men to receive , and he who hath attained the Art of making an agreeable * addresse to the Company , and knows , how by empty Complements to flatter them into a good opinion of themselves , or to tattle to them little pleasing things , shall assuredly thereby insinuate himself into their good opinion more than if he discoursed to them of the most Profitable Subjects with the deepest Judgment . 15. Very critical and very discerning is the Assembly here . The Company within a very short while will look thorow and thorow the Prudentest and most cryed-up Person . A Weak part will quickly be found in him , and not only Real but Imaginary Faults will be laid to his charge . A Man of Reputation is so tender a Creature , that he should in a manner alwayes keep within dores , and never come into the Air , unless chosen , and cleer . But by all means let him beware of the Coffee-house , for here there is alwayes a thick smoak , which will sully a fair colour . In plain terms , an assiduous frequenting the Coffee-house , and exposing reason , parts and estimation , by conversation , to the open view of the Society , renders them hereby first familiar , then contemptible . Here a man too late will be taught , that the most excellent Jewels , to wit , the Noblest Speculations , the D●vinest Truths , the most Exquisite Fancies , the most Meritorious Actions , and the most Complacential Humours prodigally thrown away amongst a mixt number of persons , become as common , as Gold was once in Ierusalem , that is , as common , as Stones . 16. Such is the mixture of Persons here , that me thinks I cannot better express it , than by saying , That at these Waters meet all sorts of Creatures . Hence follows the Production of diverse monstrous Opinions and Absurdities . Here is a congress of old Rome and of new , of Turky , Geneva , and Amsterdam . A Coffee-house , like Logick , the Lawyer , and the Switzer , will maintain any Cause . 17. Infinite are the Contests , irreconcileable the Differences here . The Society hath been divided about the manner of the creeping of a Louse . Were there not here , a constant contention amongst the Elements of this Body , it could not subsist . For should all agree , and be of one Iudgment , they would as it were become but one Person , the House would be solitary , and at last one or two Persons would be the whole Company . 18. However , though it resemble Amsterdam , being divided into innumerable different Opinions , yet is it free from effects of Sedit on or War. For there are no bloody Challenges here made , much less Duels fought , or Blows given . Will you know the reason ? The Company in this are more Couragious than wise , that they contend about triffles only , but they are more Wise than couragious , in that they fight not for the Victory : so that in a true sense the Lion and the Lamb ly down together here . 19. Such being the differences of Opinion , and such the Tameness of the Company , how can any one in reason , think , that a Coffee-house is dangerous to the Government , that seeds of Sedition are here sown , & Principles of Liberty insinuated ? A Coffee-house hath alwayes been as great a Friend to Monarchy , as an Enemy to Liberty . The Principles of a Popular Government at the Rota were weakne'd , and rendred contemptible . Men of such Contrary Judgments as here meet , cannot justly be feared to Agree in a Conspiracy . And in truth they talk too much , to be lookt on as dangerous , and active Persons . 20. Rather say the Fanaticks , that this is not a place in which a great and generous Truth can be maintain'd , that a Person full of such a Truth , not being able to contein it , is forc'd to whisper it in the ear of some Ingenuosus , if he can find such a one . This is certain , that who ever intends here to discourse of Worthy Subjects judiciously , ought carefully not only to chuse his Time , but to pack the Company , that so he may be heard but with patience . 21. On the other side , who ever is troubled with impertinent Fancies and ridiculous Notions , is here quietly heard and sometimes heraunged . The Relater hereof hath heard a young Gentleman affirm , that he used to go to the Coffee-house purposely to vent his strange and wild Conceits , and to rid himself of such bad Guests . An opinion , how foolish or fond soever , here receives entertainment . To this Coast , as to the West-Indies , you carry not rich Merchandises to Trade with , but only Beads , Looking-glasses , Knives , and such like , nor shall the Merchant make returns of any other Commodities , than such as are fit for the Pedlars box . 22. Though the Coffee-house may be condemned for ill choice of subjects , on which they discourse , yet are the Company by many persons commended for this , that every one of them abounds in his own sense , and submits to the reason of no other Mortal , following herein that great Example of the Men who inhabit the Lunary World , who put the Monsieur in a Cage , for discoursing like a Parrat in the words of Aristotle . Every one over Coffee discourseth those things , which his own reason or fancy inspire him with , and he , who cants in the terms of Aristotle , or argues by Book , is lookt on to want terms and reason of his own , & jurare in verba Magistri . 23. Yet here being neither Moderators , nor Rules , ( were there no other reason ) a Man shall as soon fill a Quart Pot with Discourse , as Profit by it . He may as rationally expect to carry a Ship from the River of Thames to the East-Indies without a Pilot or Rules of Navigation , as to manage a discourse successefully , or in this School to bring it to a good Issue . 24. A School it is without a Master . Education is here taught without Discipline . Learning ( if it be possible ) is here insinuated without Method . Good Manners and commendable Humors are here infused into Men by the contemplation of the Deformity of their contrarie's , as the Spartars infused into their Children hatred of Drunkenness by setting before them their drunken Helots . 25. The Company , ( that their intertainment man appear in its native colours ) at times divert themselves with the controverting such points as these . Utrum corpus est immateriale . Utrum chimaera bombinans in vacuo possit commedere secundas intentiones . Utrum antiqua Roma a Christianis fundata fuit . Utrum bestia honoranda sit . 26. A facetious or merry Story is preferred by the Gentlemen here before a Banquet of Philosophy . The Auditors lissen to him , who tells a Tale gracefully , with as great an attention , as Orpheus his Beasts did to his Charming Musick . And good reason such a person should be attentively heard . — nam quae comoedia ? Mimus Quis melior ? One relates he took thirty and three thousand Pipes of Tobacco in one night . He tickles the Auditors . They laugh heartily . Another informs the Company , that the night before having swallow'd a vast quantity of Ale , he slinkt home , and crept into Bed , and that in the midst of the night he was wak'd by an Alarum made in his Guts by reason of an Insurrection therein . Hereupon he riseth to expel the Rebel , but his weighty A — being too ponderous for an earthen Chamber-pot to bear , the Pot broke , and his A — unluckily fell on the bedighted ground . At this Story the Company laugh majore cachinno . Here I at present stop , having run ( methinks ) a long race in dirty way , concluding with Iuvenal , Aspice quid faciunt commercia — An Apology to those Ingenuous Persons , who frequent the Coffee-house , for this description . THe Describer knows , there are several Virtuosi and Ingenuosi , resort to the Coffee-house , whom , he hath the honour to be acquainted with , others are his Friends . Yet all the Elements here being confusedly mixt , this House appears to him as a meer Chaos , so that ( in contemplating it ) he cannot prefer even Light before Darkness , not being here separated or distinguishable one from another , amidst confusion it self . Verbum sat . FINIS . Notes, typically marginal, from the original text Notes for div A56639-e110 Herb. with some little altering . Herb. * by words .