Nevves from hell brought by the Diuells carrier. Tho: Dekker. Dekker, Thomas, ca. 1572-1632. 1606 Approx. 90 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 32 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2003-05 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A20072 STC 6514 ESTC S105254 99840983 99840983 5533 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A20072) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 5533) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1475-1640 ; 922:11) Nevves from hell brought by the Diuells carrier. Tho: Dekker. Dekker, Thomas, ca. 1572-1632. [62] p. Printed by R. B[lower, S. Stafford, and Valentine Simmes] for VV. Ferebrand, and are to be sold at his shop in Popes head Alley, neere vnto the Royall Exchaunge, London : 1606. "Blower pr[inted]. at least quire A; Stafford B-E; Simmes H"--STC. Signatures: A-H⁴ (-A1). Running title reads: The Deuils answere to Pierce Pennylesse. With dedication to Sir John Hamden. Variant: A3 is a cancel, with dedication to John Sturman. Reproduction of the original in the Henry E. Huntington Library and Art Gallery. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. Gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. EEBO-TCP is a partnership between the Universities of Michigan and Oxford and the publisher ProQuest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by ProQuest via their Early English Books Online (EEBO) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). The general aim of EEBO-TCP is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic English-language title published between 1473 and 1700 available in EEBO. EEBO-TCP aimed to produce large quantities of textual data within the usual project restraints of time and funding, and therefore chose to create diplomatic transcriptions (as opposed to critical editions) with light-touch, mainly structural encoding based on the Text Encoding Initiative (http://www.tei-c.org). The EEBO-TCP project was divided into two phases. The 25,363 texts created during Phase 1 of the project have been released into the public domain as of 1 January 2015. Anyone can now take and use these texts for their own purposes, but we respectfully request that due credit and attribution is given to their original source. Users should be aware of the process of creating the TCP texts, and therefore of any assumptions that can be made about the data. Text selection was based on the New Cambridge Bibliography of English Literature (NCBEL). If an author (or for an anonymous work, the title) appears in NCBEL, then their works are eligible for inclusion. Selection was intended to range over a wide variety of subject areas, to reflect the true nature of the print record of the period. In general, first editions of a works in English were prioritized, although there are a number of works in other languages, notably Latin and Welsh, included and sometimes a second or later edition of a work was chosen if there was a compelling reason to do so. Image sets were sent to external keying companies for transcription and basic encoding. Quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in Oxford and Michigan. 5% (or 5 pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet QA standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. After proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of 100 instances per text. Any remaining illegibles were encoded as s. Understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of TCP data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. Users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a TCP editor. The texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level 4 of the TEI in Libraries guidelines. Copies of the texts have been issued variously as SGML (TCP schema; ASCII text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable XML (TCP schema; characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless XML (TEI P5, characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or TEI g elements). Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng England -- Social life and customs. 2002-11 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2003-01 Apex CoVantage Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2003-02 Judith Siefring Sampled and proofread 2003-02 Judith Siefring Text and markup reviewed and edited 2003-04 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion NEVVS From Hell ; Brought by the Diuells Carrier . Et me mihi perfide prodis ? Tho : Dekker . LONDON Printed by R. B. for VV. Ferebrand , and are to be sold at his shop in Popes head Alley , neere vnto the Royal Exchaunge . 1606 , To the very Worthy Gentleman , Sir Iohn Hamden Knight . SIR , the begetting of Bookes , is as common as the begetting of Children : onely heerein they differ , that Bookes speake so soone as they come into the world , and giue the best wordes they cā to al men , yet are they driuen to seek abroad for a father . That hard fortune followes al & fals into , vpō THIS of mine . It gladly coms to you vpō that errand , and if you vouchsafe to receiue it louingly , I shall account my selfe and It , very happie . Theise Paper-monsters are sure to beset vppon , by many terrible encounters ; They had neede therefore to get Armour of proofe that may not shrinke for a bullet ; The strongest shieldes that I know for such fights , are good Patrons ; from whom writers claime such antient priuiledges , that how-soeuer they finde entertainment , they make bold to take acquaintance of them ( though neuer so meerely strangers ) without blushing : wherein they are like to courtiers , that inuite thēselus , vnbidden ) to other mens tables & that 's a most Gentleman-like , quality and yet holde it a disgrace , if they receiue not a complementall welcome . Custome making that shew handsomly , which ( if the curious hande of Formality , should apparell ) would appeare vile Fashion thereforeis the best Painter , for what pictures soeuer she draws , are workman-ly done : presuming vpon whose warrant , I send vnto you the discouery of a strange country , If it were of both Indyes , my loue could bestow it vpon you . Accept it therefore , and if hereafter I may be a voyager to any happyer coast , the Fruits of ( that as now of this ) shall be most affectionately consecrated to you . From him that wishes he could be a deseruer of you . Tho. Dekker To the Reader . TO come to the presse is more dangerous , then to bee prest to death , for the payne of those Tortures , last but a few minutes , but he that lyes vpon the rack in print , hath his flesh torne off by the teeth of Enuy , and Calumny , euen when he meanes no body any hurt in his graue . I think therefore t were better to make ten challenges at all manner of weapons , then to play a Schollers Prize , vpon a book-sellers stall , for the one draws but bloud : by the other a man is drawne & quartred , take heed of Criticks . they bite ( like fish ) at any thing , especially at bookes . But the Diuell being Let loose amongst them , I hope they will not exercise their Coniurations vpon him : Yf they doe , they are damb'd . In despight of Brontes and Steropes , that forge Arrowes of Ignorance and contempt , to shoote at Learning , I haue hamerd out this Engine , that has beaten open the Infernall Gates , and discouerd that great Tobaconist the Prince of Smoake & darknes , Don Pluto . A supplicatiō was sent to him long since by a poore fellow one Pierce Pennylesse . But the Diuel being ful of busines , could neuer til now haue leasure to answere it : Mary now ( since Christmas ) he has drawne out some spare howres , & shot 2. Arrowes at one mark , in 2. seuerall Bowes : and of two contrary flights : Wherein hee proues himselfe , a damb'd lying Cretan , because hee 's found in two Tales , about one matter . But it may be , the first Answere , that hee sent by the Post was in the Morning , ( fot he striues to speake soberly , grauely , and like a Puritane ) The other ( sure ) in the afternoone , for hee talkes more madly : But so farre from Those fantasticall Taxations &c. Which the Gentleman that drew that forenoones piece , ( whom I know not ) seemes aloofe off ( like a Spy ) to discouer , that euen in the most triuiall and merriest Applications , there are Seria locis , how soeuer it bee , sithence wee both haue had to doe with the Deuill , and that hee 's now [ by our meanes ) brought to the Barre , let him plead for himselfe : Yshis Answers be good , t is strange , because no goodnes can come from him , Yfbad , and like thee not , thou hast the amends in thyne owne hands : neuer rayle at him : for the Diuell ( like a drunkard ) cares for no body . Farewell . The Deuill let loose , WITH His Answere to Pierce Pennylesse . GReat wagers were layd in the world , that when the Supplication was sent , it would not be receyued ; or if receyued , it would not be read ouer ; or if read ouer , it would not be answered : for Mammon being the god of no beggers , but Burgomasters and rich Cormorants , was woorse thought of than he deserued : Euery man that did but passe through Pauls Church-yard , and had but a glaunce at the Title of the Petition , would haue betted ten to fiue , that the Deuill would hardly ( like a Lawyer in a busy Terme ) be spoken with , because his Clyent had not a penny to pay sees , but sued in Forma pauperis . Had it bene a Challenge , it is cleare he would haue answered it : for hee was the first that kept a Fence-schoole , when Cayn was aliue , and taught him the Embrocado , by which he kild his brother : Since which time hee hath made ten thousand Free schollers as cunning as Cayn . At sword and buckler , little Dauy was no bodie to him , and as for Rapier and Dagger , the Germane may be his iourneyman . Mary the question is , in which of the Play-houses he would haue performed his Prize , if it had grown to blowes , and whether the money beeing gathered , he would haue cozende the Fencers , or the Fencers him , because Hell being vnder euerie one of their Stages , the Players ( if they had owed him a spight ) might with a false Trappe doore haue slipt him downe , and there kept him , as a laughing stocke to al their yawning Spectators . Or had his Infernallship bene arrested to any action howe great so euer , all the Lawe in Westminster-hall could not haue kept him from appearing to it ( for the Diuell scornes to be non-suited ) he would haue answered to that too : But the mischiefe would haue bene , where should he haue got any that would haue pleaded for him ? who could haue endured to see such a damnable Client euerie morning in his Chamber ? what waterman ( for double his fare ) would haue landed him at the Temple , but rather haue strucke in at White-Fryers , and left him there ashore with a Poxe to him ? Tush : there was no such matter , the streame hee was to venter into , was not so daungerous , this Coyner of Light angels knew well enough how the Exchaunge went , he had but bare wordes lent vnto him , and to pay bare words againe ( thogh with some Interest ) it could be no losse . Hee resolued therefore to aunswere his humble Orater : But being himselfe not brought vp to learning ( for the Diuell ean neyther write not reade ) yet he has bene at all the Vniuersities in Christendome , and throwne heresies ( like bones for dogges to gnaw vpon ) amongst the Doctors themselues : but hauing no skill but in his owne Horne-booke , it troubled his minde where he should get a pen-man fit for his tooth to scribble for him , all the Scriueners i th towne he had at his becke , but they were so set a worke with making bondes betweene Vsurers and Vnthriftie heires , betweene Marchants and Tradesmen ( that to coozen and vndoe others , turne Banke-rowtes themselues , and defeate Creditors ) and with drawing close conueyances betweene Landlords and Bawdes , that now sit no longer vpon the skirtes of the Cittie , but iett vp and downe , euen in the cloake of the Cittie , and giue more rent for a house , then the proudest London occupier of them all , that Don Lucifer was loth to take them from their Nouerints , because in the ende he knew they were but his Factors , and that he should be a part-owner in their lading himselfe ; Lawyers clarkes were so durtied vp to the hammes with trudging vp and downe to get pelfe , and with fishing for gudgeons , and so wrung poore ignorant clients purses , with exacting vnreasonable Fees , that the Paymaster of Perdition would by no meanes take them from their wide lines , and bursten-bellied straddling ffs , but stroking them vnder the chinnes , cald them his white boyes , and told them he would empty the Inke-pot of some others . Whither then marches Monsieur Malesico ? Mary to all the writing Schoolemasters of the town . He tooke them by the fists and lik'd their handes exceedingly ( for some of them had ten or twelue seuerall hands & could counterfeit any thing ) but perceiuing by the copies of their countenances , that for al their good letters , they writ abominable bad English , and that the world would thinke the Diuell a Dunce , if there came false Orthographie from him ( though there be no truth in his budget ) away hee gallops from those tell-tales ( the Schoolemasters ) damning himselfe to the pit of Hell , if Pierce Pennylesse should euer get a good word at his handes . I hearing this , and fearing that the poore Suppliant should lose his longing , and bee sent away with Si nihil attuleris , resolued ( euen out of my loue to Pierce Pennylesse , because he hath beene alwayes a companion to Schollers , ) to doe that for nothing , which a number would not for any money . I fell to my tooles ( pen , inke , and paper ) roundly , but the Head warden of the Horners ( Signior Beco Diauolo ) after hee had cast vp what lay in his stomacke , suspecting that I came rather as a spie to betray him , then as a spirit to runne of his errands , and that I was more likely to haue him to Barber Surgeons hall , there to Anatomize him , then to a Barbers shop to trimme him neately , would by no meanes haue the answere goe forwarde : Notwithstanding , hauing examined him vpon Interrogatories , and thereby sifting him to the very bran . I swore by Hellicon , ( which he could neuer abide ) that because t is out a fashion to bring a Diuell vpon the Stage , he should ( spite of his spitting fire and Brimstone ) be a Diuell in print . Inraged at which , he flung away in a fury , and leapt into Barathrum , whilst I mustred all my wits about me , to fight against this Captaine of the damned Crew , and discouer his Stratagems . Wonder is the daughter of ignorance , none but fooles therfore will maruell , how I and this Grand Sophy of the whore of Babylon came to bee so familiar together , or how wee met , or how I knew where to finde him , or what Charmes I carried about mee whil'st I talkt with him , or where ( if one had occasion to vse his Diuellship ) a Porter might fetch him with a wet finger . Tush , these are silly inquisitions ; his acquaintance is more cheape , then a common Fidlers ; his lodging is more known then an English Bawdes , a midwiues or a phisicions ; and his walkes , more open to all Nations , then those vpon the Exchaunge , where at every step a man is put in minde of Babell , there is such a confusion of languages . For in the Terme time , my Caualiero Cornuto runnes sweatingvp and downe betweene Temple-barre , and Westminster hall , in the habite of a knight Errant , a swearing knight , or a knight of the Poste : All the Vacation you may eyther meete him at dicing Ordinaries , like a captayne ; at cocke-pits , like a young countrey gentleman ; or else , at a bowling ally in a flat cap , like a shop keeper : euerie market day you may take him in Cheape-side , poorely attirde like an Ingrosser , and in the afternoones , in the twopeny roomes of a Play-house , like a Puny , seated Cheeke by Iowle with a Punke : In the heate of Summer he commonly turnes Intelligencer , and carries tales betweene the Archduke and the Graue : In the depth of Winter , he sits tippling with the Flemmings in their townes of Garison . Hauing therefore ( as Chamber-maides vse to do sor their Ladies faces ouernight ) made readie my cullors , the pencell being in my hand , my carde lined , my needle ( that capers ouer two and thirtie pointes of the Compas ) toucht to the quicke , East , West , North , and South , the foure Trumpetters of the Worlde , that neuer blow themselues out of breath , like foure dropsie Dutch Captaynes standing Centinells in their quarters , I will ingeniously and boldely giue you the Map of a country , that Iyes lower then the 17. valleyes of Belgia , yea lower then the Cole-pits of Newcastle , is farre more darke , farre more dreadfull , and fuller of knauerie , then the Colliers of those fire-workes are . The name of this straunge Countrie is Hell ; In discouery of which , the Qualitie of the Kingdome , the condition of the Prince , the estate of the people , the Traffique thither ( marie no transportation of goods from thence ) shal be painted to the life . It is an Empire , that Iyes vnder the Torrid Zone , and by that meanes is hotter at Christmas , then t is in Spaine or Fraunce ( which are counted plaguy hotte Countries ) at Midsummer , or in England when the dogge daies bite sorest : for to say truth ( because ti 's sinne to belie the Diuell ) the Vniuersall Region is built altogether vpon Stoues and Hotte-houses , you cannot set foote into it , but you haue a Fieri facias seru'de vpon you : for like the Glasse-house Furnace in Blacke-friers , the bonefiers that are kept there , neuer goe out ; insomuch that all the Inhabitants are almost broylde like Carbonadoes with the sweating sicknes , but the best is ( or rather the worst ) none of them die on 't . And such daungerous hot shottes are all the women there , that whosoeuer meddles with any of them is sure to be burnt : It stands farther off then the Indies : yet to see the wonderfull power of Nauigation , if you haue but aside Winde , you may sayle sooner thither , than a maried man can vpon S. Lukes day to Cuckolds hauen , from S. Katherines , which vpon sound experience , and by the opinion of many good Marriners , may be done in lesse than halfe an hower . If you trauell by land to it , the wayes are delicate , euen , spatious , and very faire , but toward the end very fowle : the pathes are beaten more bare , than the liuings of Church-men . You neuer turne , when you are trauelling thither , but keepe altogether on the left hand , so that you cannot lose your selfe , vnlesse you desperately do it of purpose . The miles are not halfe so long as those betweene Colchester and Ipswich in England , nor a quarter so durtie in the wrath of Winter , as your French miles are at the fall of the leafe . Some say , it is an Iland , embrac'de about with certaine Riuers , called the waters of Sorrow : Others proue by infallible Demonstration , that t is a Continent , but so little beholden to Heauen , that the Sunne neuer comes amongst them . How so euer it be , this is certaine , that t is exceeding rich , for all Vsurers both Iewes and Christians , after they haue made away their Soules for money here , meete with them there againe : You haue of all Trades , of all Professions , of all States some there : you haue Popes there , aswel as here , Lords there , as well as here , Knights there aswel as here , Aldermen there , aswel as here , Ladies there , aswel as here , Lawyers there , aswell as here , Soldiers march there by millions , soe doe Cittizens , soe doe Farmers , very fewe Poets can be suffred to liue there , the Colonell of Coniurers driues them out of his Circle , because hee feares they 'le write libells against him : yet some pittifull fellowes ( that haue faces like fire-drakes , but wittes colde as Whetstones , and more blunt ) not Poets indeede , but ballad-makers , rub out there , and write Infernals : Marrie players swarme there as they do here , whose occupation being smelt out , by the Cacodaemon , or head officer of the Countrie , to bee lucratiue , he purposes to make vp a company , and to be chiefe sharer himselfe , De quibus suo loco , of whose doings you shall heare more by the next carrier : but here 's the mischiefe , you may find the way thither , though you were blinder then Superstition , you may bee set a-shore there , for lesse then a Scullers fare : Any Vintners boy , that has bene cup-bearer to one of the 7. deadly sinnes but halfe his yeres , any Marchant of maiden heads , that brings cōmodities out of Virginia , can direct you thither : But neyther they nor the weather-beatenst Cosmographicall Starre-catcher of em all , can take his oath , that it lyes iust vnder such an Horizon , whereby many are brought into a fooles Paradice , by gladly beleeuing that either there 's no such place at all , or else , that t is built by Inchauntment , and standes vpon Fayrie ground , by reason such pinching and nipping is knowne to bee there , and that how well fauourd soeuer wee depart hence , we are turnd to Changelings , if we tarry there but a minute . These Territories , notwithstanding of Tartarie , will I vndermine and blow vp to the view of all eies , the black & dismal shores of this Phlegetonticke Ocean , shall be in ken , as plainely as the white ( now vnmaydend brests of our owne Iland : ) China , Peru and Cartagena , were neuer so ●ifled : the winning of Cales , was nothing to the ransacking of this Troy that 's all on fire : the very bowels of these Infernall Antipodes , shall bee ript vp , and pulld out , before that great Dego of Diuels his owne face : Nay , since my flag of defiance is hung forth , I will yeelde to no truce , but with such Tamburlaine-like furie march against this great Turke , and his legions , that Don Belzebub shal be ready to damme himselfe , and be horne-mad : for with the coniuring of my pen , al Hell shall breake loose . Assist me therefore , thou Genius of that ven . trous , but Iealous musicion of Thrace ( Euridices husband ) who being besotted on his wife ( of which sin none but Cuckolds should bee guilty ) went aliue ( with his fiddle at 's back , ) to see if he could baile her out of that Adamantyne prison ; the fees he was to pay for her , were Iigs and country daunces : he payd thē : the forfeits , if he put on yellow stockings & lookt back vpon her , was her euerlasting lying there , without baile or Maynprize : the louing coxcōb could not choose but looke back , and so lost her , ( perhaps hee did it , because hee would be rid of her . ) The morall of which is , that if a man leaue his owne busines , and haue an eye to his wiues dooings , shee le giue him the slip , though she runne to the Diuell for her labor , Such a iourney ( sweet Orpheus ) am I to vndertake , but Ioue forbid my occasion should be like thine ; for if the Marshall himselfe should rake Hell for wenches , he could not find worse , ( no nor so bad ) there , as are here vpō earth . It were pity any womā should be damn'd , for she would haue tricks ( once in a moone ) to put the Diuell forth of his wits . Thou ( most cleare throated singing man , ) with thy harpe ( to the twinckling of which , inferior spirits skipt like goats ouer the Welch mountaines ) hadst priuiledge , because thou wert a Fiddler , to be sawey , and to passe and repasse through euery roome , and into euery nook of the Diuels wine-celler : Inspire mee therfore with thy cunning that caried thee thither , and thy courage that brought thee from thence , teach me which way thou went'st in , and how thou scapt'st out , guide me in true fingering , that I may strike those tunes which thou plaid'st ( euery dinner and supper ) before that Emperor of Low Germanie , and the brabbling States vnder him : Lucifer himselfe daunced a Lancashire Horne-pipe , whilst thou wert there . If I can but harp vpon thy string , hee shall now for my pleasure tickle vp the Spanish Pauin . I will call vpon no Midwiues to help mee in those Throws , which ( after my braines are fallen in labour ) I must suffer , ( yet Midwiues may be had vp at all howres ) nor vpon any coniurer , ( yet coniurers , thou knowst , are fellow and fellow-like with Monsieur Malediction , as Puncks are , who raize him likewise vp continually in their Circaean Circles ) or as Brokers are , who day and night study the black Art : No , no ( thou M r of thy musicall company ) I sue to none , but to thee , because of thy Prick-song : For Poetry ( like honesty and olde Souldiers ) goes vpon lame feete , vnlesse there bee musicke in her . And thou , into whose soule ( if euer there were a Pithagorean Metempsuchosis ) the raptures of that fierie and inconfinable Italian spirit were bounteously and boundlesly infused , thou sometimes Secretary to Pierce Pennylesse , and Master of his requests , ingenious , ingenuous , fluent , facetious , T. Nash : from whose aboundant pen , hony flow'd to thy friends , and mortall Aconite to thy enemies : thou that madest the Doctor a flat Dunce , and beat'st him at two sundry tall Weapons , Poetrie , and Oratorie : Sharpest Satyre , Luculent Poet , Elegant Orator , get leaue for thy Ghost , to come frō her abiding , and to dwell with me a while , till she hath carows'd to me in her owne wōted ful measures of wit , that my plump braynes may swell , and burst into bitter Inuectiues against the Lieftennant of Limbo , if hee casheere Pierce Pennylesse with dead pay . But the best is , Facilis descensus Auerni , we may quickly haue a ring through his nose if he do : It s but slipping down a hil , & you shal fal into the deuils lap presētly . And that 's the reason ( because his sinfulnes is so double-diligent , as to be at your elbow with a call , wherein he giues good examples to Drawers , if they had grace to follow his steps ) that you swalow down that Newes first , which should be eaten last : For you see at the beginning , the Diuell is ready to open his mouth for an Answere , before his howre is come to be set to the Barre . Since therfore , a Tale of the whole voyage would make any liquorish mouth'd Newes-monger lick his lips after it , no mans teeth shall water any longer , hee shal haue it ; for a very briefe Cronicle shal be gathered , of al the memorable occurrents , that presented thēselues to the view of our wandring Knight in his iourney , the second part of Erra paters Almanacke , whose shooes , Platoes Cap was not worthy to wipe , shal come forth , & without lying ( as you Calender-mongers vse to doe , ) tell what weather wee had all the way he went , to a drop of raine : wee will not lose him , frō the first minute of his iumping a shipboard , to the last of his leaping a shore , and arriuall at Tamor Chams Court ( his good Lord and Master ) the Diuell . The Post therfore hauing put vp his packet , blows his horne , and gallops all the way , like a Citizen , so soone as euer hee 's on horseback , downe to Billins-gate , for he meant when the Tide seru'd to angle for Souls & some other fresh fish in that goodly fish-pond the Thames , as he passed ouer it , in Grauesend Barge : that was the water coach he would ride in , there he knew he should meete with some voluntaries that would venture along with him : In this passage through the Citty , what a number of Lord Mayors , Aldermens , and rich Commoners sonnes and heyres kept a hallowing out at Tauerne-windowes to our knight , and wafted him to their Gascoigne shores with their hats only , ( for they had mol ted away all their fethers ) to haue him strike sayle & come vp to them : he vaild , and did so : their phantastick salutations being complemented , with much intreatie ( because he stood vpon Thornes ) hee was aduaunc'd ( in regard of his Knighthood ) to the vpper end of the boord : you must take out your writing tables , and note by the way , that euery roome of the house was a Cage full of such wild fowle , Et crimine ab vno disce omnes , cut vp one , cut vp all , they were birds all of a beake , not a Woodcocks difference among twenty dozen of them ; euery man had before him abale of dice , by his side a brace of Punks , and in his fist a nest of bowles . It was spring-tide sure , for all were full to the brimmes , with French beeing turn'd into English ( for they swum vp and downe the Riuer of Burdeux ) signified thus much , that dicing , drinking , and drabbing , ( like the three seditious Iewes in Ierusalem ) were the ciuil plagues , that very vnciuily destroyed the Sonnes ( but not the sinnes ) of the Cittie . The bloud of the grape comming vp into their cheeks , it was hard to iudge , whether they blushed to see themselues in such a pickle , or lookt red with anger one at another : but the troth is , their faces would take any dye but a blush-colour , and they were not made of the right mettle of courage to bee angry , but their wits , ( like wheeles in Brunswick clocks ) being all wound vp , so far as they could stretch , were all going , but not one going truly . For some curst their birth , some their bringing vp , some rayled vpon their owne Nation , others vpon Strangers . At the last , one of these Acolasti playing at doublets with his pue-fellow ( which they might well doe , being almost driuen to their shirts ) and hearing vpon what Theame the rest sung Ex tempore , out draws his ponyard , and stabbing the tables , as if he meant to haue murder'd the thirty men , swore he could find in his heart to go presently ( hauing drunke vpsie Dutch ) and pisse euen vpon the Curmudgion his fathers graue : for , sayes he , no man has more vndone me , than he that has done most for me I le stand too 't , it 's better to be the son of a Cobler , then of a Common councill man : if a Coblers sonne and heyre runne out at heeles , the whoreson patch may mend himselfe ; but wee whose friends leaue vs wel , are like howre glasses turn'd vp , though we be neuer so full , we neuer leaue running , till wee haue emptied our selues , to make vp the mouths of slaues , that for gaine are content to lye vnder vs , like Spaniels , fawning , and receiue what fals from our superfluity . Who breeds this disease , in our bones ? Whores ? No , alack let 's doe them right , 't is not their fault , but our mothers , our cockering mothers , who for their labour make vs to be cald Cockneys , or to hit it home indeede , those golden Asses our fathers . It is the olde man , it is Adam , that layes a curse vpon his Posterity : As for my Dad , t is well knowne , hee had ships reeling at Sea , ( the vnlading of which giues mee my load now , and makes mee stagger on land ) hee had ploughs to teare vp deare yeeres out of the guts of the earth i' th countrey , and Yeomens sonnes , North countrey-men , fellowes ( that might haue beene Yeomen of the Guard for feeding , ) great boyes with beards , whom hee tooke to bee Prentizes , ( mary neuer any of them had the grace to be free , ) and those lads ( like Sarieants ) tore out mens throats for him to get money in the Citty : hee was richer then Midas , but more wretched then an Alchumist : so couetous that in gardning time , because he would not be at the cost-of a loade of Earth , he parde not his nayles for seauen yeeres together , to the intent the durt that hee filcht vnder them , should serue for that purpose : So that they hung ouer his Fingers , like soe many shooing-hornes : doe but imagine how farre euer any man ventred into Hell for money , and my father went a foote farder by the standard , and why did he this , thinke you ? he was so sparing , that hee would not spend so much time as went to the making vp of another childe , so that all was for mee , hee cozend yong gentlemen of their land , onely for me , had acres morgadgde to him by wise-acres for three hundred poundes , payd in hobby horses , dogges , bells , and lutestrings , which if they had bine sold by the drum , or at an outrop , with the cry , of No man better ? would neuer haue yelded 50. li. & this he did only for me , he built a Pharos or rather a Block-house beyond the galows at Wapping , to which the black fleet of cole carriers that came from Newcastle , strook saile , were brought a bed , and discharg'd their great bellies there , like whores in hugger mugger , at the common price with twelue pence in a chaulderouer and aboue , thereby to make the common wealth blow her nayles till they ak'de for cold , vnlesse she gaue money to sit by his fire , onely for me : the poore curst him with bel , booke & candle , till he lookt blacker with their execration , then if hee had bene blasted , but hee carde not what doggs barkt at him , so long as they bit not mee : his houskeeping was worse then an Irish Kernes , a Rat could not cōmit a Rape vpō the paring of a moldy cheese , but he died for 't , onely for my sake , the leane Iade Hungarian would not lay out a penny pot of sack for himself , though he had eaten stincking fresh Herring able to poyson a dogge , onely for mee , because his sonne and heire should drinke eggs and muskadine , when hee lay rotting . To conclude , he made no conscience , to runne quick to the Diuell of an errand , so I had sent him . Might not my father haue beene begg'd ( thinke you ) better then a number of scuruy things that are begd ? I am perswaded , fooles would be a rich Monopolie , if a wise man had em in hand : would they had begun with him , I le be sworne , he was a fat one : for had he fild my pockets with siluer , and the least corner of my coxcomb with wit how to saue that siluer , I might haue bene cald vpon by this , whereas now I am ready to giue vp my cloake : Had he sett me to Grammer schoole , as I set my self to dauncing schoole , in stead of treading Carontoes , and making Fidlers fat with rumps of Capons , I had by this time read Homilyes , and fedde vpon Tithe-pigges of my owne vicaridge , whereas now , I am ready to get into the Prodigals seruice , and eate Iones nuts , that 's to say , Acorns with swine : But men that are wisest for officers , are commonly arrand woodcoks , for fathers : Hee that prouides liuing for his child , and robs him of learning , turnes him into a Beetle , that flyes from perfumes and sweet Odours , to feede on a cow-sheard ; all such rich mens darlings are eyther christened by some left-handed Priest , or else borne vnder a threepenny Planet , and then thei 'le neuer be worth a groat , though they were left Landlords of the Indies . I confesse , when all my golden veynes were shrunke vp , and the bottome of my Patrimony came within 200. pound of vnraueling , I could for al that haue bene dub'd : But whē I saw how mine vncle playd at chesse , I had no stomack to be Knighted . Why , sayes the Post ? Mary quoth he , because when I prepar'd to fight a battayle on the Chesse-board , a Knight was alwayes better then a Pawne : But the Vsurer myne Vnckle made it playne , that a good pawne now was better then a Knight . At this the whole Chorus summos mouere Cachinnos , laught til they grind agen , and cal'd for a fresh gallon , all of them falling on their knees , and drawing out siluer and guilt rapyers ( the onely monuments that were left of hundreds and thousands in Pecuniis numeratis , swore they would drinke vp these in deepe Healthes , to their howling fathers , so they might be sure the pledging should choake them , because they brought them into the Inne of the World , but left them not enough to pay their ryotous reckonings , at their going out . The knight was glad he should carry such welcome newes with him , as these , to the clouen-footed Synagogue , and tickled with immoderate ioy , to see the world run vpon such rotten wheeles . Wherevpon , pleading the necessity of his departure , he began first to run ouer his Alphabet of Congees , & then with a French Basilez , slipt out of their company . But they knowing to what cape he was bound , hung vpon him , like so many beggers on an Almoner , importing , and coniuring him , by the loue he did owe to Knight-hood , and armes , and by his oath , to take vp downe-cast Ladies whom they had there in their companies , and whom they were bound in Nature and humanity , to relieue : that hee would signifie to their fathers , how course the thred of life fell out to be now towards the Fagge end : that therefore , if any of them had ( inth ' dayes of his abomination , and idolatry to money ) bound the spirit of gold , by any charmes , in Caues or in iron fetters vnder the ground , they should for their own soules quiet ( which questionlesse else would whyne vp and downe ) if not for the good of their children , release it , to set vp their decay'd estates . Or if there had beene no such coniuring in their life times , that they would take vp mony of the Diuel , ( though they forfeyted their bonds ) & lay by it for euer , or els get leaue with a Keeper , to try how much they might be trusted for among their olde customers vpon earth , though within two dayes after , they proued Banke-rupts by Proclamation . The Post-master of Hell plainely told them , that if any so Seditious a fellow as gold , were cast into Prison : their fathers would neuer giue their consent to haue him ransom'd : because ther 's more greedines among them below , then can be in the Hye-land coūtryes aboue : so that if all the Lordships in Europ were offerd in Morgage for a quarter their value , not so much as 13. pence halfe peny can be had from thence , though a man would hang himselfe for it : And as for their fathers walking abroad with keepers , alas , they lie there vpon such heauy Executions , that they cannot get out for their soules . He counsels them therefore to draw arrowes out of another quiuer , for that these markes stand out of their reach , the ground of which counsell , they all vow to trauerse : Some of them resoluing to cast out liquorish baites , to catch old , ( but fleshly ) wealthy widdowes , the fire of which sophisticated loue , they make account shal not go out , so lōg as any drops of gold can be distil'd frō them : Others sweare to liue and dye in a man of Warre , though such kind of Theeuerie bee more stale then Sea-beefe : the rest , that haue not the hearts to shed bloud , hauing reasonable stocks of wit , meane to imploy em in the sinnes of the Suburbes , though the Pox lyes there as deaths Legyer : For since man is the clocke of time , they 'le all be tymes Sextens , and set the Diall to what howres they list . Our Vant'currer applauded the lots which they drew for themselues , and offred to pay some of the Tauerne Items : but they protesting hee should not spend a Baw-bee , as hee was true knight consedere Duces , they sate downe to their Wine , and he hasted to the water . By this time is hee landed at Graues-end , ( for they whom the Deuil driues , feele no lead at their heeles ) what stuffe came along with him in the Bargc , was so base in the weauing , that 't is too bad to bee set out for sale : It was onely Luggadge , therefore throw it ouer boord . From thence hoysting vp sayle into the Maine , hee struck in among the Dunkerks , where he encountred such a number of all Nations with the dregs of all Kingdomes vices dropping vpon them , and so like the Black Gentleman , his Master , that hee had almost thought himselfe at home , so neere doe those that lye in Garrison there , resemble the Desperuatoes that fill vp Plutoes Muster-Booke : But his head beating on a thousand Anuiles , the scolding of the Cannon drew him speedily from thence : So that creeping vp along by the ranke Flemmish shores ( like an Euesdropper ) to whisper out what the brabbling was , hee only set downe a note for his memory , that the States sucking Poyson out of the sweet flower of Peace , but keeping their coffers sound and healthfull by the bitter pils of Warre , made their countrey a pointing stock to other Nations , and a miserable Anatomie to themselues . The next place hee cal'd in at , was France , where the Gentlemen , to make Apes of Englishmen , whom they tooke dayly practising all the foolish tricks of fashions after their Monsieur-ships , with yards in stead of leading Staues , mustred all the French Taylors together , who , by reason they had thin haire , wore thimbles on their heads in stead of Harnesse caps , euery man being armed with his sheeres and pressing Iron , which he calls there his goose ( many of thē being in France : ) Al the crosse caperers being plac'd in strong rankes , and an excellent oration cut out and sticht together , perswading them to sweat out their very braines , in deuising new french cuts , new french collors , new french codpeeces , and new french panes in honour of Saint Dennys , onely to make the giddy-pated Englishman consume his reuenues in wearing the like cloathes , which on his back at the least can shew but like cast sutes being the second edition , whilst the poore Frēch peasant iets vp and downe , ( like a Pantaloun ) in the olde thread-bare cloake of the Englishman , so that wee buy fashions of them to fether our pride , and they borrow rags from vs to couer their beggery . The Spaniard was so busy in touching heauen with a launce , that our Knight of the burning shield , could not get him at so much leysure , as to eat a dish of Pilchers with him . The gulfe of Venice he purposes shal therefore swallow a few howres of his obseruation , where hee no sooner sets footing on shore , but he encoūters with Lust , so ciuilly suted , as if it had bin a Marchants wife : Whoremongers there , may vtter their cōmodities as lawfully , as Costermongers here , they are a company as free , and haue as large priuiledges for what they doe , as any of the twelue Companyes in London . In other countreys Lechery is but a Chamber-mayd : Here , a great Lady : Shee 's a retaylor and has warrant to sel soules , and other smal wares , vnder the Seale of the Cittie : Sinne heere keepes open market : Damnation has a price set vpon it , and dares goe to Lawe for her owne : For a Curtizans action of the Case , will hold aswell as a Vsurers plea of debt , for ten 'i th hundred . If Bridewell stood in Venice , a golden key ( more easily then an yron picklocke ) would open all the doores of it : For Lechery heere lyes night and day with one of prides daughters ( Liberty , ) and so sarre is the infection of this Pestilence spred , that euery boy there has much harlot in his eyes : Religion goes all in changeable silkes , and weares as many maskes as she do's colours : Churches stand like Rocks , to which very few approach , for feare of suffring ship-wrack . The seuen deadly sinnes , are there in as great authority , as the seuen Electors in Germany , and women in greater then both : In so much as drunkennes , which was once the Dutchmans head-ake , is now become the Englishmans : so ielozy , that at first was whipt out of Hell , because shee tormented euen Diuels , lies now euery howre in the Venecians bosome : Euery noble man growes there like a Beech tree , for a number of beasts couch vnder his shade : euery gentleman aspires rather to bee counted great then good , weighing out good words by pounds , and good deeds by drams : their promises are Eeues , their performances hollidayes , for they worke hard vpon the one , and are idle on the other : Three things there are dog-cheap , learning , poore mens sweat , and othes : farmers in that country are petty Tyrants , and Landlords , Tyrāts ouer those farmers , Epicures grow as fat there , as in England , for you shall haue a slaue eat more at a meale , then ten of the Guard , and drink more in two dayes , then all Maningtree do's at a Whitsun ale . Our Rankrider of the Stygiā bordērs , seeing how wel these Pupils profited vnder their Italian Schole-master , and that all countreys liu'd obedient to the Luciferan lawes , resolu'd to change Post-hors no more , but to conclude his Perigrinatiō , hauing seene fashions , and gotten table-talke enough by his trauell . In a fewe minutes therefore is he come to the banck-side of Acheron , where you are not bayted by whole kennels of yelping watermen , as you are at Westminster-bridge , and ready to be torne in peeces to haue two pence rowed out of your purse : no , Ship wrights there could hardly liue , there 's but one boat , & in that one , Charon is the onely Ferri-mā , so that if a Cales Knight should bawle his hart out , he cānot get a paire of oares there , to do him grace with ( I plyed your worship first ) but must be glad to goe with a Sculler : By which meanes , though the fare be smal ( for the watermans wages was at first but a half penny , then it came to a peny , 't is now mended , and is growne to three halfe pence , for all things wax deare in Hell , as well as vpon earth , by reason 't is so populous ) yet the gaines of it are greater in a quarter , then ten Westerne Barges get in a yeere : Dotchet Ferry comes nothing neere it . It is for al the world , like Graues-end Barge : and the passengers priuiledged alike , for ther 's no regard of age , of sex , of beauty , of riches , of valor , of learning , of greatnes , or of birth : He that comes in first , sits no better then the lost . Will Summers giues not Richard the Third the cushions , the Duke of Guize and the Duke of Shore-ditch haue not the bredth of a bench between them , Iane Shore and a Goldsmiths wife are no better one then another . Kings & Clownes , Souldiers & Cowards , Church-men and Sextons , Aldermen , and Coblers , are all one to Charon : For his Naulum , Lucke ( the old Recorders foole ) shall haue as much mat , as Sir Lancelot of the Lake : He knows , though they had an oare in euery mans Boat in the World , yet in his they cannot challenge so much as a Stretcher : And therfore ( though hee sayles continually with wind and Tide , ) he makes the prowdest of them all , to stay his leasure . It was a Comedy , to see what a crowding ( as if it beene at a new Play ) there was vpon the Acherontique Strond , so that the Post was fayne to tarry his turne , because hee could not get neere enough the shore : He purpos'd therefore patiently to walke vp and downe , till the Coast was cleere , and to note the cödition of all the passengers . Amongst whom there were Courtyers , that brought with em whole trunks of apparell , which they had bought , and large pattents for Monopolyes , which they had beg'd : Lawyers loaden with Leases , and with purchased Lordships , Cleargy men , so pursy and so windlesse with bearing three or foure Church liuings , that they could scarce speake : M●rchants laden with baggs of gold , for which they had robd their princes custome : Schollers with Aristotle and Ramus in cloake-bags , ( as if they ment to pull downe the Diuell ) in disputation , being the subtillest Logician , but full of Sophistry : Captayns , some in guilt armor ( vnbattred , ) some in buffe Ierkins , plated o're with massy siluer lace , ( rayzd out of the ashes of dead pay , ) and banckrupt citizens , in swarmes like porters sweating basely vnder the burdens of that , for which other men had sweat honestly before . All which ( like Burgers in a Netherland towne taken by freebooters ) were compelled to throw downe bag and baggage , before they could haue pasport to bee shipt into the Flemmish Hoy of Hell : For if euery man should bee sufferd to carry with him out of the world that which hee tooke most delight in , it were inough to drowne him , and to cast away the vessell hee goes in : Charon therefore strips them of all , and leaues them more bare then Irish beggers : And glad they were ( for all their howling to see themselues so fleec'd ) that for their siluer they could haue wastage ouer . In therefore they thrung , some wading vp to the knees , and those were youngmen : they were loth to make too much hast , swearing they came thither before their time : Some , vp to the middles , and those were women , they seeing young men goe before them , were asham'd not to vēture farder than they : Others waded vp to the chin , & the old men , they seeing their gold taken from them , were desperate , and would haue drown'd themselues : but that Charon slipping his Oare vnder their bellies , tost them out of the water , into his Wherry . The boat is made of nothing but the wormeaten ribs of coffins , nayl'd together , with the splinters of fleshlesse shin-bones , dig'd out of graues , beeing broken in pieces . The sculls that hee rowes with , are made of Sextons spades , which had bene hung vp at the end of some great Plague , the bench he sits vpon , a ranke of dead mens sculls . The worst of them hauing bene an Emperor , as great as Charlemaine : And a huge heap of their beards seruing for his cushion : the Mast of the boat is an arme of an Yew tree , whose boughs ( in stead of Rosemary ) had wont to be worn at buryals : The sayle , two patcht winding sheets , wherein a Broker and an Vsurer had bin laid for their linnen , will last longest , because it comes cōmōly out of Lauender & is seldom worn . The waterman himselfe is an old grisly-fac'd fellow : a beard filthyer then a Bakers mawkin that hee sweeps his ouen , which hung full of knotted Elf-locks , and serues him for a Swabber in sowle weather to clense his Hulke : A payre of eyes staring so wide ( by beeing bleard with the wind ) as if the liddes were lifted vp with gags to keepe them open : More salt Rewmatick water runnes out of them , than would pickle all the Herrings that shall come out of Yarmouth : A payre of hands so hard and scal'd ouer with durt , that passengers thinke hee weares gantlets , and more stinkingly musty are they than the fists of night-men , or the fingers of bribery , which are neuer cleane : His breath belches out nothing but rotten damps , which lye so thick and foggie , on the face of the Waters , that his Fare is halfe choakt , ere they can get to land : The Sea-cole furnaces of ten Brew-howses , make not such a smoke , nor the Tallow pans of fifteene Chaundlers ( when they melt , ) send out such a smell : Hee 's dreadfull in looks , and currish in language , yet as kind as a courtyer where he takes . Hee sits in all stormes bare-headed , for if he had a cap , he would not put it of to a Pope : A gowne girt to him ( made all of Wolues skins ) tanned ( figuring his greedynes ) but worne out so long , that it has almost worn away his elbows : Hee 's thick of hearing to them that sue to him , but to those against whose wils hee 's sent for , a Fiddler heares not the creeking of a window sooner . As touching the Riuer , looke how Moore-ditch shews , when the water is three quarters dreyn'd out , and by reason the Stomake of it is ouer-laden , is ready to fal to casting so does that , it stinks almost worse , is almost as poysonous , altogether so muddy , altogether so black : In tast very bitter , yet to those that know how to distill these deadly waters , ) very wholsome . Charon , hauing discharged his fraight , the Packetcaryer ( that all this while wayted on the other side , ) cride A boate , a boat : His voyce was knowne by the tune , and ( weary though he were ) ouer to him comes our Fery-man . To whō ( so soon as euer he was set ) Charon complaines what a bawling there has bin , with what Fares he has bene posted , and how much tugging ( his boat being so thwackt ) he has split one of his Oares , and broken his Bid-hooke , so that hee can row but lazily , till it bee mended . And were it not that the soule payes excessiue Rent for dwelling in the body , he sweares ( by the Stygian Lake , ) he would not let em passe thus for a trifle , but raize his price : why may not he do it as wel as Punks and tradesmen ? Herevpon he brags what a nomber of gallant felows and goodly wenches went lately ouer with him , whose names he has in his book and could giuehim , but that they earnestly entreated not to haue their names spred any farder ( for their heires sakes ) because most of them were too great in some mens books already . The onely wonder ( sayes Charon ) that these passengers driue me into , is , to see how strangely the world is altred since Pluto and Proserpine were maried : For whereas in the olde time , men had wont to come into his boate all slasht , ( some with one arme , some with neuer a leg , and others with heads like calues cleft to their shoulders , and the mouths of their very wounds gaping so wide , as if they were crying A boat , a boat , ) now contrariwise , his fares are none , but those that are poysoned by their wiues for lust , or by their heires for liuing , or burnt by whores , or reeling into hell out of tauerns : or if they happen to come bleeding , their greatest glory is a stab , vpon the giuing of a lye . So that if the three Destinies spin no finer threads thēn these , men must eyther , ( like Aesculapius ) be made immortall for meere pitty sake , and be sent vp to Iupiter , or else the Land of Blackamoores must be made bigger : for the great Lord of Tartary will shortly haue no roome for all his retayners , which would be a great dishonour to him , considering hee 's now the onely housekeeper . By this tyme , Charon looking before him ( as Watermen vse to doe ) that 's to say , behind him , spied he was hard at shoare : wherevpon seeing he had such dooings ( that if it held still ) hee must needs take a seruant ( and so make a payre of oares for Pluto ) hee offered great wages to the Knight Passant , to bee his iourneyman : but he beeing only for the Diuels land seruice , told him hee could not giue ouer his seruice , but assuring him , he would enforme his Mr. ( the King of Erebus ) of al that was spoken , he payd the boat hyre fitting his Knighthood , leapt ashore and so parted . The wayes are so playne , & our trauayler on foot so familyar with them , that hee came sooner to the court gates of Auernus , then his fellow ( the Wherry-man ) could fasten his hooke on the other side of Acheron : The porter ( though he knew him wel inough and fawnd vpon him , ) would not let him passe , till he had his due : for euery officer there is as greedy of his Fees , as they are heere . You mistake , if you imagine that Plutoes porter is like one of those big fellows that stand like Cyants at Lords gates ) hauing bellies bumbasted with ale in Lambs-wool , and with Sacks : and cheeks strutting out ( like two footebals ) being blowen vp with powder beefe & brewis : yet hee 's as surly as those Key-turners are , but lookes as little more scuruily : No , no , this doorekeeper wayts not to take money of those that passe in , to behold the Infernall Tragedyes , neyther has hee a lodge to dyne & sup in , but only a kennell , and executes his bawling office meerely for victuals : his name is Cerberus , but the howsehold call him more properly , The Black dog of Hell : Hee has three heads , but no hayre vpon them , ( the place is too hot to keep hayre on ) for in stead of hayr they are al curl'd ouerwith snakes , which reach frō the crowns of his 3. heads alongst the ridge of his back to his very taile , & that 's wreathed like a dragōs : twenty couple of hounds make not such a damnable noyse , when they howle , as he does whē he barks : his property is to wag his tayle , when any comes for entrance to the gate , & to lick their hands , but vpon the least offer to scape out , he leaps at their throats ; sure hee 's a mad dog , for wheresoeuer he bites , it rankles to the death . His eyes are euer watching , his eares euer listning , his pawes euer catching , his mouths are gaping : Insomuch , that day & night , he lyes howling to bee sent to Paris Garden , rather then to bee vs'de , so like a curre as he is . The Post , to stop his throat , threw him a Sop , and whyl'st hee was deuouring of that , he passed through the gates . No sooner was he entred , but hee met with thousands of miserable soules , pyneond and dragd in chaines to the Barre , where they were to receiue their triall , with bitter lamentations bewayling ( al the way as they went ) and with lowd execratiōs cursing the bodyes with whom they somtimes frollickly kept company , for leading them to those impietyes , for which they must now ( euen to their vtter vndoing ) deerely answere : it was quarter Sessions in Hell , and though the Post-master had bin at many of their Arraignments , & knew the horror of the Executions , yet the very sight of the prisoners struck him now into an astonishable amazement . On not withstanding hee goes , with intent to deliuer the Supplication , but so busy was the Behomoth ( the prince of the Deuils ) and such a presse was within the Court , and about the Barre , that by no thrusting or shouldring , could hee get accesse ; the best time for him must be , to watch his rising , at the adiourning of the Sessions , and therefore he skrews himselfe by all the insynuating Arte he can , into the thickest of the crow'd , & within reach of the clarke of the Peaces voyce , to heare all their Inditements . The Iudges are set , ( beeing three in number ) seuere in looke , sharp in Iustice , shrill in voyce , vnsubiect passion : the prisoners are soules , that haue cōmitted Treason against their Creation : they are cald to the Barre , their number infinit , their crimes numberlesse : The Iury that must passe vpon them , are their sins , who are impanel'd out of the seueral countryes , and are sworne to finde whose Conscience is the witnes , who vpon the booke of their liues , where all their deeds are written , giues in dangerous euidence against them , the Furies ( who stand at the elbowe of their Conscience ) are there readie with stripes to make them confesse , for either they are the Beadels of Hell that whip soules in Lucifers Bridewell , or else his Executioners to put them to worse Torments : The Inditements are of seueral qualities , according to the seuerall offences ; Some are arraigned for ambition in the Court ; Some for corruptiō in the Church ; Some for crueltie in the camp ; Some for hollow-hartednes in the Citie ; Some for eating men aliue in the Country , euery particular soule has a particular sinne , at his heeles to condemne him , so that to pleade not guiltie , were folly : to begge for mercy , madnesse : for if any should do the one , he can put himselfe vpon none but the diuel & his angels : and they ( to make quicke worke ) giue him his pasport . If do the other , the hands of ten Kings vnder their great Seales wil not be taken for his pardō . For though Conscience comes to this Court , poore in attire , diseased in his flesh , wretched in his face , heauy in his gate , and hoarse in his voice , yet carries he such stings within him , to torture himselfe , if hee speak not truth , that euery word is a Iudges sentēce , and when he has spoken , the accused is suffred neyther to pleade for him selfe , nor to fee any Lawier , to argue for him . In what a lamentable condition therefore stands the vnhappie prisoner , his Inditement is Impleadable , his euidence irrefutable , the fact impardonable , the Iudge impenitrable , the Iudgment formidable : the tortures insufferable , the manner of them invtterable : he must endure a death without dying , torments ending with worse beginnings , by his shrikes others shall be affrighted , himself afflicted , by thousands pointed at , by not one amongst millions pittied , hee shall see no good that may helpe him , what he most does loue , shal be taken from him , and what he most doth loathe , shal be powred into his bosom . Adde herevnto the saide cogitation of that dismall place , to which he is condemned , the remembrance of which , is almost as dolorous , as the punishments there to be endured . In what colours shall I laie downe the true shape of it ? Assist me Inuention . Suppose that being gloriously attired , deliciously feasted , attended on maiestically , Musicke charming thine eare , beauty thine eye ; & that in the very height of all worldly pompe that thought can aspire to , thou shouldest be tombled downe , from some high goodly pinnacle , ( builded for thy pleasure ) into the bottome of a Lake , whose depth is immeasurable , and circuit incomprehensible : And that being there , thou shouldest in a moment be ringed about , with all the murtherers that euer haue beene since the first foundation of the world , with all the Atheists , all the Church-robbers , all the Incestuous Rauishers , and all the polluted villaines , that euer suckt damnation from the brests of black Impietie , that the place it selfe is gloomie , hideous , and in accessible , pestilent by damps , and rotten vapors , haunted with spirits , and pitcht all ouer , with cloudes of darknesse , so clammy and palpable , that the eye of the Moone is too dull to pierce through them , and the fires of the Sun too weake to dissolue them , then that a Sulphurous stench must stil strike vp into thy nosthrils , Adders & Toades be still crawling on thy bosome , Mandrakes and night Rauens still shriking in thine eare , Snakes euer sucking at thy breath , and which way soeuer thou turnest , a fire flashing in thine eyes , yet yeelding no more light than what with a glimse may shewe others how thou art tormēted , or else shew vnto thee the tortures of others , and yet the flames to bee so deuouring in the burning , that should they but glow vpon mountaines , of Iron , they were able to melt them like mountains of snow . And last of all , that all these horrors are not wouen together , to last for yeeres , but for ages of worlds , yea for worlds of ages ; Into what gulf of desperate calamitie , wold not the poorest begger now throw himself headlong , rather then to tast the least dram of this bitternes , If imagination can giue being to a more miserable place than this described ? Such a one , or worse than such a one , is that , into which the guiltie soules are led captiue , after they haue their condemnation . And what tongue is able to relate the grones and vlulations of a wretch so distressed , a hundred pennes of steele wold be worne blunt in the description , and yet leaue it vnfinished . Let vs therfore sithence the Infernal Sessiōs are reiourned , & the court breaking vp , seek out his knightship who hauing waited all this while for the Diuel , hath by this time deliuered to his pawes , the Supplication for poore Pierce Pennyles , and so , Masuolio his Secretarie is reading it to him , but before he was vp to the middle of it , the worke master of Witches , snatched away the paper , and thrust it into his bosome in great choller , railing at his Letter carrier , & threatning to haue him lasht by the Furies , for his loytring so long , or Cauterizde with hotte Irons for a Fugitiue . But Mephostophiles discoursing from point , to point , what paines he had taken in the Suruey of euery Country , and how he had spent his time there , Serieant Sathan gaue him his blessing , and told him that during his absence ) both Pierce Pennyles and the Poet that writ for him , haue bene landed by Charon , of whom he willed to enquire within what part of their dominion , they haue taken vp their lodging , his purpose is , to answere euery word , by word of mouth , yet because he knowes , that at the returne of his post ship , and walking vpon the exchange of the world , ( which hee charges him to hasten for the good of the Stygian kingdom that altogether stands vpon quicke traffique ) they will flutter about him , crying , What newes , what newes ? what squibs , or rather what peeces of ordinance doth the M. Gunner of Gehenna discharge against so sawcie a suitor , that by the Artillerie of his Secretaries penne , hath shaken the walls of his kingdome , and made so wide a breach , that any Syr Giles may looke into his , and his Officers doings : to stoppe their mouthes with some thing , stoppe them with this : That touching the enlargement of Gold , ( which is the first branch of the Petition ) So it is that Plutus his kinsman ( being the onely setter vp of tempting Idols ) was borne a Cripple , but had his eye-sight as faire as the day , for hee could see the faces and fashions of all men in the world , in a twinkling . At which time , for all he went vpon Crutches , he made shift to walke abroad with many of his friends , Marrie they were none but good men . A Poet , or a Philosopher , might then haue sooner had his company , than a Iustice of Peace : Vertue at that time , went in good cloathes , and vice fed vpon beggerie . Almes baskets , honestie and plaine dealing , had all the Trades in their owne hands , So that Vnthrifts , Cheaters , and the rest of their Faction , ( though it were the greater ) were borne downe , for not an Angell durst be seene to drinke in a Tauerne with them : whereupon they were all in danger to be famisht . Which enormitie , Iupiter wisely looking into , and seeing Plutus dispersing his gifts amongst none but his honest brethren , strucke him ( either in anger or enuie ) starke blinde , so that euer since he hath plaide the good fellow , for now euery gull may leade him vp and downe like Guy , to make sports in any drunken assembly , now hee regards not who thrusts his hands into his pockets , nor what money they take out , nor how it is spent , a foole shall haue his heart now , assoone as a Phisition : And an Asse that cannot spell , goe laden away with double Duckets from his Indian Store-house , when Ibis Homere , that hath laine sick seuenteen yeers together of the Vniuer-sitie plague , ( watching and want ) onely in hope at the last to finde some cure , shall not for an hundred waight of good Lattine , receiue a two-penny waight in Siluer , his ignorance ( arising from his blindnesse ) is the only cause of this Comedie of errors : so that vntil some Quack-saluer or other ( either by the helpe of Tower hill water , or any other , either Phisical or Chirurgicall meanes ) can pick out that pin and a web , which is stuck into both his eyes ( and that will very hardly be ) It is irreuocably set downe , in the Adamantine booke of Fate , that gold shall be a perpetuall slaue to slaues , a drudge to fooles , a foole to make Woodcocks merry , whilst wisemen mourne : or if at any time he chance to breake prison , and flie for refuge into the chamber of a Courtier , to a meere hawking countrie Gentleman , to an Aldermans heire , to a yong student at the lawe , or to any tradesmans eldest sonne , that rides forth to cast vp his fathers reckonings in fortified Tauerns , Such mighty search shall be made for him , such Hue and Cry after him , and such misrule kept , vntil he be smeltout , that poore golde must bee glad to get out of their companie , Castles cannot protect him , but he must be apprehended , and suffer for it . Now as touching the seauen leaued tree , of the deadly sinnes , ( which Peirce-Pennilesse would haue hewen downe , ) his request is vnreasonable , for that growes so rancke in euery mans garden , and the flowers of it worne so much in euery womans bosome , that till the last general Autumnian quarter of the dreadful yeare , whē whole kingdoms ( like seare and saplesse leaues ) must be shaken in peeces by the consuming breath of fire , and all the fruits of the earth be raked together , by the spirit of Stormes , and burnt in one heape like stubble , till then , it is impossible to cleere the oaken forehead of it , or to loppe off any of the branches . And let this satisfie itching Newes-hunters , for so much of mine answere to the poore fellows Supplication , as I meane to haue publisht to the world : what more I haue to vtter , shall be in his eare , because he was more busie in his prating then a Barber , with thee my seruant , about my houshold affaires , & therfore it is to be doubted he lurkes within our Cimerian Prouinces , but as an Intelligencer , which if it be proued , he shal buy it with his soule ; dispatch therefore ( my faithfull Incarnate Diuel ) proclaime these things to the next Region aboue vs. Go & deliuer my most-most hartie cōdemnations to all those that steale subiects hearts from their Soueraignes , say to althose , they shal haue my letters of Mart for their Piracie : factious Gnyziards , that lay traines of seditiō to blow vp the cōmō-wealth , I hug thē as my children , to all those churchmen that bind thēselues together in schismes , like būdles of thorns , onely to pricke the sides of Religion , till her heart bleede : I will giue them newe orders ; To all those that strip Orphanes out of their portions , they shall bee mine Ingles : To all those that vntile their Neighbours houses , that whilst stormes are beating thē out , they themselues may enter in , bestow vpon such officers of mine , a thousand condemnations from their maister , tho they be sitting at King Arthurs round Table : When thou doest thy message , they shal haue Tenements of me for nothing in hel . In briefe , tell all the Brokers in Long-Lane , Houns-ditch , or else wher , which all the rest of their Colleagned Suburbians , that deale vpon ouerworne commodities , and whose soules are to vs impawned , that they lye safe enough , and that no cheater shal hook them out of our hands , bid them sweat and sweare in their vocation ( as they do hourely ) if thou being a knight of the Post , canst not helpe them to oathes , that may make thē get the diuel & al , they haue a sound Card on their sides , for I my selfe will Abi in malam , goe and mind thy businesse . His warrant being thus signde , the messenger departs , but before he could get to the vttermost ferrie , he met with an old , leane , meagre fellow , whose eies was sunke so deepe into his head , as if they had bene set in backward , his haire was thinner than his cheekes , and his cheekes so much worne awav , that when he spake his tongue smoakt , & that was burnt blacke , with his hot and valiant breath , was seene to moue too and fro so plainly , that a wise man might haue taken it for the Snuffe of a candle in a Muscouie Lanthorne , the Barbar Surgiōs had begde the body of a man at a Sessions to make an Anatomie , and that Anatomie this wretched creature begged of them to make him a body , Charon had but newly landed him : yet it seemde he stood in pittifull feare , for his eyes were no bigger then pinnes heads , with blubbring and howling , and keeping a coile to haue some body shew him the nearest way to hell , which he doubted hee had lost , the other puts him into a path , that would directly bring him thither , but before he bid him farewell , our blacke knight inquired of him what he was : who answered , that he was somtimes one that liued vpon the Lecherie of mettalls , for he could make one hundred pound be great with child , and be deliuered with another in a very short time , his mony ( like pigions ) laide euery month , he had bene in vpright tearmes , an Vsurer : And vnderstanding that he fell into the hands of the hell post , he offered him after a pennie a mile , betweene that and the townes end he was going too , so he would be his guide . Which mony , when the watermen came to rifle him , he swallowed down , and rakte for it afterwards , because he knewe not what neede he should haue , the waies being damnable : But the goer of the diuels errands , told him , if he would allow him Pursiuāts fees , he durst not earne them , he would do him any Knights seruice , but to play the good Angels part , & guide him , he must pardon him . Doctor Diues requests him ( in a whining accent ) to tell him if ther were any rich men in hel , & if by any base drudgery which the diuel shal put him too , & which heel willingly moile in , he should scrape any muck together , whether he may set vp his trade in hell , & whether there be any Brokers there , that with picking strawes out of poore thatcht houses to build neastes where his twelue pences should ingender , might get feathers to his backe , and their owne too . To all which questions , the vaut curier answers briefly , that hee shall meet a number there , who once went in black veluet coats , and welted gownes , but of Brokers , there 's a longer lane of them in hell , than there is in London . Marry for opening shop , & to keepe a Bawdy house for Lady Pecunia , Hoc si fata negant , If the Bailiffe of Barathrū deny that priuiledge to those that haue serued twice seuen yeeres in the Freedom , there 's no reason a Forrainer should taste the fauour . This newes tho it went coldly down , yet as those that are troubled with the tooth-ache , enquire of others what the paine is , that haue had them drawne out , and think by that means they lessen their owne ; So it is some ease to Sir Timothy , thirtie per centum , to harken out the worst that others haue endured , hee desires therfore to know how far it is from the earth to hell ; and being told that hell is iust so many miles frō earth , as earth is frō heauē , he stands in a browne study , wondring ( sithence the length of the iournies were both alike to him , how it should happē , that he tooke rather the one path then the other . But then cursing himself that euer he fell in loue with mony , and that ( which is contrary to nature ) he euer made a crackt French Crowne , beget an English Angell , he roarde out , & swore , that his gold sure wold damb him . For saies he , my greedinesse to feede mine eye with that , made me starue my belly , and vndo those for sixe pence , that were readie to starue . And into such an Apoplexy of soule , fell I into with the lust of mony , that I had no sense of any other happinesse : So that whilst in my Closet I sat numbring my bags , the last houre of my life was told out , before I could tell the first heap of gold . Birdlime is the sweat of the Oake tree , the dung of the Blackbird falling on that tree , turnes into that slimie snare , and in that snare , is the Bird her selfe taken . So fares it mee , mony is but the excrement of the earth , in which couetous wretches ( like swine ) rooting continually , eate thorow the earth so long , till at length they eate themselues into hell . I see therefore , that as Harts , being the most cowardly and hartlesse creatures , haue also the largest hornes , So we that are drudges to heapes of drosse , haue base and leane consciences , but the largest damnation . There appeared to Timotheus , an Athenian , Demorij vmbra , and that gaue him a net to catch Cities in , yet for all that he died a begger . Sure it was Vmbra daemonis that taught me the rule of Interest : for in getting that , I haue lost the principall , ( my soule ) . But I pray you tell mee , Sayes my Setter vp of Scriueners , Must I be stript thus out of all ? Shall my Fox furde gownes be lockt vp from me ? Must I not haue so much as a shirt vpon me ? Heer 's worse pilling & polling thē amongst my countrymen the Vsurers , not a rag of linnen about me , to hide my nakednesse . No , sayes the Light Horse-man of Lymbo , no linnen is worne here , because none can be wouen strong enough to hold , neither doe any such good huswiues come hither as to make cloath ; onely the Destinies are allowed to spin , but their yarne serues to make smocks for Proserpina . You are now as you must euer be , you shall neede no cloathes , the Aire is so extreame hot ; besides , there be no Tailors suffred to liue here , because ( they as well as Plaiers ) haue a hell of their owne , ) ( vnder their shopboard ) and there lye their tottered soules , patcht out with nothing but ragges . This Careere being ended , our Lansquenight of Lowe-Germanie , was readie to put spurres to his horse , and take leaue , because hee sawe what disease hung vpon him , and that his companion was hard at his heeles , and was loth to proceed in his Iourney . But he , Qui nummos admiratur , the pawn groper , clingde about his knees like a Horsleech , and coniurde him , as euer he pittied a wretch eaten to the bare bones , by the sacred hunger of gold , that he would either bestow vpon him , a short Table ( such a one as is tide to the taile of most Almanacks ) chalking out the hye-waies , be they neuer so durtie , and measuring the length of al the miles between town , and towne , to the breadth of a haire , or if this Geographicall request tooke vp too much conceald land to haue it granted , that yet ( at last ) hee would tell him , whether he were to passe ouer any more riuers , and what the name of this filthy puddle was , ouer which hee was lately brought by a dogged waterman , because sithence he must runne into the diuels mouth , hee would runne the neerest way , least hee wearied himselfe . Of this last request , the Lacquy of this great Leuiathan , promisde he should be maister , but he would not bring him to a miles end by land , ( they were too many to meddle with ) . You shall vnderstand therefore ( saies our wild Irish footeman ) that this first water ( which is now cast behind you ) is Acheron , It is the water of trouble , & works like a Sea in a tempest ( for indeede this first is the worst ) It hath a thousand creekes , a thousand windings , and turnings , It vehemently boyles at the bottome ( like a Caldron of molten leade , ) when on the top it is smoother then a still streame : And vpon great reason is it calde the Riuer of molestation , for when the soule of man is vpon the point of departing from the Shores of life , and to be shipt away into another world , she is vext with a conscience , and an auxious remembrance of all the parts that euer she plaide on the vnruly stage of the world : She repeats not by roate , but by hart , the iniuries done to others , and indignities wrought against her selfe : She turnes ouer a large volume of accounts , and findes that shee s runne out in pride , in lustes , in riots , in blasphemies , in irreligion , in wallowing through so many enormous and detestable crimes , that to looke back vpon them , ( being so infinite ) and vpon her owne face ( being so fowle ) the very thought makes her desperate : She neuer spake , or delighted to heare spoken , any bawdy language , but it now rings in her eare , neuer lusted after luxurious meats , but their taste is now vpon her tongue , neuer sed the sight with any licentious obiect , but now they come all into her eye , euerie wicked thought before , is now to her a dagger , euery wicked word a death , euery wicked act a damnation : If she scape falling into this Ocaean , she is miraculously saued from a ship wracke , hee must needs be a churlish but a cunning Waterman , that steeres in a Tempest so dangerous : This first Riuer is a bitter water in taste , and vnsauoury in sent , but whosoeuer drinks downe but halfe a draught of his remembred former follies , Oh it cannot chuse but be Amarulentum poculum , Gall is hony to it , Acheron like is a thick water , and how can it otherwise choose , being stirred with so many thousands fighting perturbations . Hauing passed ouer this first Riuer ( as now you are ) you shall presently haue your waie stopt with another , It s a little cut by land thither , but a tedious and dangerous voyage by water . Lies there a Boate readie ( quoth my rich Iew of Malta ) to take me in so soone as I call ? No , saies the other , you must waite your Marriners leisure , the same wrangling fellow that was your first man , is your last man : Marrie you shall lie at euery Hauens mouth for a winde , till Belzebubs hale you ▪ for Acheron , ( after many circumgirations ) falles into the Stigian Lake ( your second Riuer carries that name ) It is the water of Loathsomnesse , and runnes with a swifter Current then the former : for when the soule sees deathes Barge tarrying for her , she begins to be sorrie for her ante-acted euils , and then shee s sailing ouer Acheron , but when shee drawes the Curtaine , and lookes narrowly vpon the pictures , which her owne hand drew , and findes them to be vglie , shee abhorres her owne workemanship , and makes haste to hoiste vp more Sayles , and to be transported swiftly ouer the Stigian Torrent , whose waters are so reuerend , that the gods haue no other oath to sweare by . The third Riuer is Cocitus , somewhat clearer then both the other , and is the water of Repentance , being an Armie of Stix , Many haue here bene cast away , and frozen to death , when the Riuer hath waxen cold , ( as oftentimes it doth ) neither are all sorts of soules suffred to saile vpon it , for to some ( as if the water had sense and could not brooke an vnworthy burden ) it swells vp into tempests & drowns them , to others more loue cannot appeare in Dolphins to men , then in that does smoothnes . Besides these , there are Phlegeton and Pyriphlegeton , that fall in with Cocytus ( burning Riuers ) In which ( tho they be dreadfull to looke vpon ) are no vtter danger : If the Ferryman wast you safely , ouer the waters of Repentance , otherwise these hot lyquors will scalde you . But what a Traitor am I to the vndiscouered kingdomes , thus to bring to light their dearest treasury ; Sworne am I to the Imperiall State Infernall , and what dishonour would it bee to my Knighthood , to be found forsworne ? Seale vp your lips therefore I charge you , and drinke downe a full bowle of Lethoean water , which shall wash out of you the remembrance of any thing I haue spoken : Be proude , thou Grandchild of Mammon , that I haue spent these minutes vpon thee , for neuer shal any breathing mortall man , with tortures wring out of me so much againe . There lyes your way : Farewel . In such a strange language was this vltimum vale sent forth , that Mounsieur Mony-monger stood onely staring and yawning vpon him , but could speak no more : yet at the last ( coniuring vp his best spirits ) he onely in a dumb shewe ( with pittifull action , like a Plaier , when hee s out of his part ) made signes to haue a Letter deliuered by the Carrier of condemnation , to his sonne , ( a yong Reueller , prickt down to stand in the Mercers books for next Christmas , ) which in a dumbe shewe likewise being receiued , they both turnde backe the Vsurer , looking as hungrily , as if he had kist the post . At the banck end , when Plutoes Pursiuant came to take water , Mercury ( that runnes of all the errands betweene the Gods ) hauing bene of a message from Ceres , to her daughter Proserpine , ( the Queene of lower Affrica ) finding Charon ydle in his boate , because ( as if it had bene out of Terme time ) no Fares was stirring , fell to cast vp old reckonings , betweene himselfe , and the weather-beaten Sculler , for certaine trifling money laid out about Charons businesse . So that the Knight slipping in like a Constable to parta Fraie , was requested to be as Arbitrator . The first Item that stoode in his Bill , was , For nayles to mend your Wherrie , when twoo Dutch men comming druncke from the Rennish wine-house , splitte three of the boordes with their club fists , thinking they had called for a reckoning : iiij . pence . Those Butter Boxes ( sayes Charon ) owe me a peny vpon the foot of that accompt : For I could distill out of them but onely three poore droppes of siluer for the voyage , and all my losse at sea . What 's next ? Item , laid out for Pitch to trim your Boat about the middle of the last plague , because she might goe tight and yare , and do her labour cleanly , xj . pence . I am ouer-reckoned that odde penny , quoth Charon , & I le neuer yeeld to pay it , but vi & armis , that 's to say , by law . I disburst it ( by my Caducens sayes the Herald : ) nay , sayes Charon if thou wilt defile thy conscience with a penny-worth of Pitch , touch it still : on . Item , for glew and whip-coard to mend your broken oare , iij. pence . That 's reasonable ; yet I haue caried some in my Wherry that haue had more whip-cord giuen them for nothing : on . Item laid out for Iuniper to perfume the boat , when certaine French men were to go by water : j. ob . I , a pox on them , who got by that ? on . Item lent to a companie of country players , being nine in number , one sharer , & the rest Iornymen , that with strowling were brought to deaths door , xiij . d. ob . vpon their stocke of apparell , to pay for their boat hire , because they would trie if they could be suffred to play in the diuels name , which stocke afterwards came into your hands , & you dealt vpon it : xiij . d. ob . They had his hand to a warrant ( quoth Charon ) but their ragges serued to make me Swabbers , because they neuer fetcht it againe , so that belike he proued a good Lord , & master to them , and they made new . Perge mentiri . Tickle the next Minkin . Item , when a Cobler of Poetrie called a play-patcher , was condemned with his cat to be duckt three times in the Cucking-stole of Pyriphlegeton ( being one of the scalding riuers ) til they both dropt again , because he scolded against his betters , and those whom he liued vpon , laid out at that time for straw , to haue caried Pusse away if she had kittend , to avoid any catterwalling in Hell. j pennie . Mew , they were not both worth a pennie : on . Item , for needle and threed to darne vp aboue two and fiftie holes in your failes , and to a Botcher for halfe a dayes worke about it : vij . pence . That Botcher I preferd to be Lucifers Tailer , because he workes with a hot needle and burnt threed , and that seuen pence he gaue me for my good will , why should not I take bribes as well as others , I will clip that money , and melt it . Not for my Bill ( sayes the Herald of the gods ) for it went out of my purse , the Tayler may pay it backe againe , it is but stealing so much the more , or cutting out 5. quarters to a garment , nay , Mercurie , you shall filch for vs both , for all the gods know you are a notable Pick-pocket , as the knight of the Post here can take his oath , but what is your Summa totalis , ( quoth Charon , ) Summa totalis , answers the other commes to three shillings and a pennie . The Sculler told him , hee was now out of Cash , it was a hard time , he doubts there is some secrete Bridge made ouer to Hell , and that they steale thither in coaches , for euery Iustices wife , and the wife of euerie Citizen must be iolted now . But howsoeuer the market goes , beare with mee , ( quoth Charon ) till there come another plague , or til you heare of such another battell as was at Newport , or till the Dunkirks catch a Hoy of Hollenders , and tumble them ouer-boord , or till there be more ciuill warres in France , or if Parris garden would but fall downe againe , I should not onely wipe off this olde score , but hope to make me a new boat . Mercury seeing no remedy ( tho he knew well inough he was not without mony ) tooke his wings , & away went he to Olympus . The Posts iorny lay nothing nere that path , but inquiring whether one Peerce Pennilesse came not ouer in his Ferry : and vnderstanding , because hee could not pay his Fare , he was faine to goe a great way about to Elizium , thither in an Irish gallop is our swearing knight gone . Scarce was he out of kenne , but on the other side of the Riuer stoode a Companie crying out lustily , A Boat , hey , a Boat , hey , and who should they bee but a gallant troope of English spirits ( all mangled ) looking like so manie olde Romans , that for ouercomming death in their manly resolutions , were sent away out of the field , crowned with the military honour of Armes . The formost of them was a personage of so composed a presence , that Nature and Fortune had done him wrong , if they had not made him a souldier . In his countenance , there was a kinde of indignation , fighting with a kinde of exalted ioy , which by his very gesture were apparantly descipherable , for he was jo cond , that his soule went out of him in so glorious a triumph ; but disdainfully angry , that she wrought her enlargement through no more daungers : yet were there bleeding witnesses inow on his breast , which testified , he did not yeelde till he was conquered , and was not conquered , till there was left nothing of a man in him to be ouercome . For besides those Mortui & Muti testes , which spake most for him , when he himselfe was past speaking , ( though their mouths were stopped with scarres ) he made shift to lay downe an ouer-plus of life , ( when the debt was discharged at one mortall payment before ) onely to shew in what abiect account he held deaths tyranny . Charon glowting vpon him , demanded who he was , but hee skorning to be his owne Chronicle , and not suffering any of the rest to execute the office , they all leaped into the Ferry . Amongst whom , one that sate out of his hearing , but within the reach of the Waterman ( to shorten the way ) discoursed all , thus : England ( quoth he ) gaue him breath , Kent education , he was neuer ouer-maistered , but by his owne affections : against whom , whensoeuer he got the victorie , there was a whole man in him : he was of the sword , and knew better how to end quarrells , then to beginne them ; yet was more apt to begin , then others ( better bearded ) were to answer , with which ( some that were euer bound to the peace ) vpbraided him as a blemish . His Country barring him ( for want of action ) of that which he was borne to inherit , ( fame ) hee went in quest of it into the Low Countries , where ( by his deare earnings ) hee bequeathed that to those of his name , with nothing , but his name seemed to deprive him of in England . Ost-end being besieged , he lost one of his eyes , whilst he looked ouer the walls , which first storme did rather driue him on to more dangerous aduentures , though to the hazard euen of a shipwracke , ( than like a fearefull Merchant ) to runne his fortunes and reputation on ground , for the boysterous threatnings of euery idle billow . So that his resolution set vpon this rest , to leaue all the remainer of his bodie to that Country , which had taken from him one of the best iewells of his life , since it had a peece of him , he would not so dishonour the place , as to carry away the rest broken . Into the field therefore comes he , the fates putting both his eyes into one , ( of purpose ) because hee should looke vpon none but his enemies : where , a battaile being to be fought , the desert aduanced him to aduance the Colours ; by which dignitie , he became one of the fairest markes , which was then to be shot at : and where a great part of that daies glorie was to be wonne ; for the Regent that followed his Ensigne , ( by being hardly set to ) giuing ground , and the enemies ambition , thirsting after his Colours , threw at all , in hope to winne them . But the destinies ( who fought on their side ) mistooke themselues , and in stead of striking the Colours out of his hand , smote him : in so much , that hee was twice shot , and twice runne through the bodie , yet would not surrender his hold for all those breaches , but stripping the prize for which they stroue , off from the staffe that held it vp , and wrapping his dying bodie in it , drew out his weapon , with which before his Colours could be called his winding sheete , hee threw himselfe into the thickest of daunger , where after hee had slaine a horse-man , and two others most valiantly , hee came off ( halfe dead , halfe aliue ) brauely , deliuering vp his spirit in the armes of none but his friends and fellow souldiers . So that ( as if Fortune had beene iealous of her owne wauering ) death ( at her intreatie ) tooke him away , in the noone-tide of a happinesse , least any blacke euenings ouercasting , should spoile it with alteration . Hee was married to the honour of a fielde in the morning , and died in the Armes of it the same day , before it was spoyled of the mayden-head : so that it went away chaste and vnbleamishable . To conclude , ( father Sculler ) because I see wee are vppon landing , here is as much as I can speake in his praise : he died auncient in the verie middest of his youth . Charon humde and cried well ; and hauing rid his boat of them , directed them to those happie places which were allotted out to none but Martialists . In this Interim Sir Digoneis worshippe ( our wandring knight , ) is walking with the monilesse Orator in one of the Elizian gardens , to whom hee relates ( aeerbatim ) his masters answer and resolution , which he receiues ( considering he was now where he would be ) with as few wordes as he was woont to carrie pence in his purse . The Post hath as little to say to him , & there for casting a slight eie ( because he durst do no other , for that place is not for him ) vpon all the Elizian Courtiers , ( like a disdainfull phantasticke Frenchman , when he comes into a strange Countrie as though hee trauailed rather to bee seene than to obserue , ) vp he gettes vppon one of the Diuels Hackneyes , and away hee rides about his other worldly businesse , about which , whilest hee is sweating , let mee carrie you vppe into those Insulae fortunatae , which are imbraced about with waters sweete , redolent , and Cristoline , the Teares of the Vine are not so precious , the Nectar of the Gods nothing so sweete and delicious . If you walke into the Groaues , you shall see all sortes of Birdes melodiously singing , Shepheardes Swaines deftly pyping , and Virgins the trees euer flourishing , the fruits euer growing , the flowers euer springing : for the very benches whereon they sit , are buds of violets , the buddes whereon they lie , bankes of muske roses , their pillowes are hearts-ease , their sheetes , the silken leaues of willow : vpon which , lest my intranced soule lie too long , and forget herselfe , let me heere ( like one started out of a golden dreame ) be so delighted with these treasures , which I found in my sleepe , that for a while I stand amazed , and speake nothing . Iam desine Tibia Versas . FINIS .