The counter scuffle Whereunto is added The counter rat. Written by R.S. R. S. (Robert Speed) This text is an enriched version of the TCP digital transcription A61061 of text R221749 in the English Short Title Catalog (Wing S4890B). Textual changes and metadata enrichments aim at making the text more computationally tractable, easier to read, and suitable for network-based collaborative curation by amateur and professional end users from many walks of life. The text has been tokenized and linguistically annotated with MorphAdorner. The annotation includes standard spellings that support the display of a text in a standardized format that preserves archaic forms ('loveth', 'seekest'). Textual changes aim at restoring the text the author or stationer meant to publish. This text has not been fully proofread Approx. 52 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 28 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. EarlyPrint Project Evanston,IL, Notre Dame, IN, St. Louis, MO 2017 A61061 Wing S4890B ESTC R221749 99833011 99833011 37486 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A61061) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 37486) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 2062:7) The counter scuffle Whereunto is added The counter rat. Written by R.S. R. S. (Robert Speed) [54] p. : ill. printed by R.B. and are to be sold by Iohn Stafford, London : 1648. Signatures: A-G⁴. Ascribed to Robert Speed. Cf. BM, Halkett & Laing, Allibone. In verse. The last leaf is blank. Imperfect; pages are stained and have print show-through affecting legibility. Reproduction of the original in the British Library. eng England -- Social life and customs -- Humor -- Early works to 1800. England -- Social life and customs -- 17th century -- Early works to 1800. A61061 R221749 (Wing S4890B). civilwar no The counter scuffle. Whereunto is added The counter rat. Written by R.S. R. S 1648 8338 1 0 0 0 0 0 1 B The rate of 1 defects per 10,000 words puts this text in the B category of texts with fewer than 10 defects per 10,000 words. 2005-09 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2005-11 Apex CoVantage Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2006-02 Judith Siefring Sampled and proofread 2006-02 Judith Siefring Text and markup reviewed and edited 2006-04 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion THE Counter Scuffle . Whereunto is added THE Counter Rat . Written by R. S. LONDON , Printed by R. B. and are to be sold by Iohn Stafford . 1648. THE COVNTER-SCVFFLE . LEt that Majestick pen that writes Of brave K. Arthur and his Knights , And of their noble feats and fights : And those who tell of Mice and Frogges And of the skirmishes of Hogges , And of fierce Beares , and Mastive Dogges , Be silent . And now let each one listen well , While I the famous Battell tell , In Woodstreet Counter that befell In high Lent. In which great Scuffle only twain , Without much hurt , or being slain , Immortall honour did obtain By merit , One was a Captain in degree , A strong and lusty man was hee , T'other a Trades-man bold and free Of Spirit . And though he was no man of force , He had a stomack like a Horse , And in his rage had no remorse Or pitty . Full nimbly could he cuffe and clout , And was accounted , without doubt , One of the prettiest sparks about The City . And at his weapon any way He could performe a single fray , Even from the long pike to the Tay - lors Bodkin . He reckt not for his flesh a jot , He feard nor Englishman nor Scot , For Man or Monster , car'd he not A Dodkin , For fighting was his recreation , And like a man in Desperation , For Law , Edict , or Proclamation He car'd not And in his Anger ( cause being given ) To lift his hand 'gainst good Sir Steven , Or any Iustice under Heaven , He fear'd not . He durst his enemy withstand , Or at Tergoos or Calis sand , And bravely there with sword in hand Would greet him . And noble Ellis was his name , Who'mongst his foes to purchase fame , Nor cared though the Devill came To meet him . And this brave Goldsmith was the man , Who first this worthy brawle began , Which after ended in a Can Of milde Beere . But had you seen him when he fought , How eagerly for blood he sought , Ther 's no man but would have him thought A wilde Beare . Imagine now you see a score Of madcap Gentlemen , or more , Boyes that did use to royst and rore , And swagger . Among the which were three or foure , That rul'd themselves by wisdoms lore , Whose very Grandsires scarcely wore A dagger . A Priest and Lawyer , men well read , In wiping poones and chipping bread , And falling to , short grace being sed , Full roundly : Whose hungry mawes no Sallets need Good appetites therein to breed , Their stomacks without sauce could feed Profoundly . 'T was ill that men of sober dyet , Who lov'd to fill their guts in quiet , Were plac'd with Ruffins that to ryot were given : And ( O great griefe ! ) even from their food , ( Their Stomacks too , being strong & good ) And that sweet place whereon it stood , Be driven . But here 't is fitting I repeat , What food our dainty Prisoners eat ; But if in placing of the meat And Dishes , From curious order I do swerve , 'T is that themselves did none observe , For which nor flesh they did deserve , Nor fishes . But some ( perhaps ) will say that Lent , Affords them not what here is ment , So much , so good , and that they went without it 'T is like ; but if I adde a Dish , Or twain , or three , of Flesh or Fish , They either had , or did it wish , Ne're doubt it . Then wipe your mouths , while I declare , The goodnesse of this Lenten fare , Which is in Prison very rare , I tell ye . Furmity as sweet as any Nut. As good as ever swill'd a Gut. And butter sweet as e're was put In belly . Eggs by the dozen , new and good , Which in white Salt uprightly stood , And meats which heat and stir the blood To action . As butter'd Crabs , and Lobsters red , Which send the married payre to bed , And in loose bloods have often bred , A Faction . Fish butter'd to the Platters brim , And Parsnips did in Butter swim , Strew'd ore with Pepper neat and trim Salt Salmon . Smelts cryde , come eat me , do not stay , Fresh Cod , and Maids full nearly lay , And next to these a lusty Ba- con con Gammon Stuck thick with Cloves upon the back , Well stuft with Sage , and for the smack , Daintily strew'd with Pepper black , Sous'd Gurnet , Pickrell , Sturgeon , Tench , and Trout , Meat farre too good for such a rout , To tumble , tosse , and throw about And spurn it . The next a Neats-tongue neatly dryde , Mustard and Suger by his side . Rochets butter'd , Flounders fryde . Hot Custard . Eeles boyl'd and broyl'd : and next they bring Herring , that is the Fishes King , And then a Courtly Poll of Ling , And Mustard . But stay , I had almost forgot The flesh which still stands piping hot , Some from the Spit , some from the Pot New taken , A shoulder , and a Leg of Mutton , As good as ever Knife was put on , Which never were by a true Glutton Forsaken , A Loyne of Veale , that would have dar'd One of the hungriest of the Guard , And they sometimes will feed full hard , Like tall men . And such as love the Lusty Chine : But when that I shall sup or dine , God grant they be no Guests of mine , Of all men . Thus the Descriptions are compleat , Which I have made of men and meat . Mars ayd me now , while I repeat The Battle , Where Pots and Stooles were us'd as Gins , To break each others Heads , and Shins , Where blowes did make bones in their skins To rattle . Where men to madnesse never ceast , Till each ( furious as a Beast ) Had spoyld the fashion of a Feast , Full dainty . Whereon had they not been accurst , They might have fed , till bellies burst : But Ellis shew'd himselfe the worst Of twenty . For he began this monstrous brall , Which afterward incens'd them all , To throw the meat about the Hall , That Even . And now give eare unto the jarre , That fell between these men of warre , Wherein so many a harmlesse skarre was given . The Board thus furnisht , each man sate , Some fell to feeding , some to prate , Mong whom a jarring question strait was risen . For they grew hotly in dispute , What Calling was of most repute : T was well their wits were so acute In prison . While they discours'd , the Parson blythe Fed , as he meant to have the tythe Of every dish , being sharp ( as Sythe ) In feeding . But haste had almost made him choke , Or else perhaps , he would have spoke In prayse of his long-thred-bare Cloke , And breeding . But after a deliberate pause , The Lawyer spoke , as he had cause , In commendation of the Lawes Profession . The Law , quoth he , by a just doom , Doth censure all that to it come , And still defends the innocent from Oppression . It favours Truth ; it curbs the hope Of Vice ; it gives Allegiance scope ; Provides a Gallowes and a Rope For Treason . This doth the Law , and this is it Which makes us here in prison sit , Which grounded is on holy Writ And Reason . To which all men must subject be , As we by daily proofe do see , From highest to low'st degree ; The Scholler , Noble , and Rich : It doth subdue The Soulidier , and his swaggering crue , But at that word the Captaine grew In choller . He lookt full grim , and at first word Rapt out an Oath , that shook the board , And struck his fist , that the sound roar'd Like thunder . It made all skip that stood him neare , The frighted Custard quak'd for feare , And those that heard it , stricken were With wonder . Nought did he now , but frown and puffe , And having star'd and swore enough , Thus he began in language rough . Thou cogging , Base foysting Lawyer , that dost set Thy minde on nothing , but to get Thy living by thy damned pet - tifogging . A Slave , that shall for halfe a Crown , With Buckram bag , and daggled Gown , Wait like my dogge about the Town , And follow A businesse of the Devils part , For fees , though not with Law nor Art : But head as empty as thy heart Is hollow , You stay at home and pocket fees , While we abroad our bloods do leese , And then , with such base termes as these You wrong us . But Lawyer , it is safer farre For thee to prattle at a Barre , Than once to shew thy face i'th'warre , Among us , Where to defend such thanklesse Hinds , The Souldier little quiet finds , But is expos'd to stormy winds , And weathers , And oft in blood he wades full deep , Your throats from forrain swords to keep , And wakes when you securely sleep In feathers . What could your Lawes or Statutes doe , Against Invasions of the Foe , Did not the valiant Souldier goe To quell 'em ? And to prevent your further harmes , With Ensigne , Fife , and loud Alarmes Of warlike Drum , by force of Armes Repell 'em ? Your Trespasse Action will not stand , For setting foot upon your Land , When they in scorn of your Command Come hither . No remedy in Courts of Powles , In Common Pleaes , or in the Rowles , For joulling of your Iobbernowles Together . Wer 't not for us , thou Swad , quoth he , Where would'st thou fog to get a fee ? But to defend such things as thee , 'T is pity . For such as thou , esteem us least , Who ever have been ready prest , To guard you , and the Cuckowes nest , Your Ctiy . That very word made Ellis start , And all his blood ran to his heart , He shook , and quak'd in every part With anger . He lookt as if nought might asswage The heat of his enflamed rage , His very countenance did presage Some danger . A Cuckowes nest ? quoth he : and so , He humm'd , and held his head full low , As if distracted thoughts did o-verpresse him . At length , quoth he , my Mother sed , At Bristow she was brought abed , And there was Ellis born and bred , God blesse him . Of London City I am free , And there I first my Wife did see , And for that very cause , quoth he , I love it . And he that cals it Cuckowes nest , Except he sayes he speaks in jest , He is a villain and a beast , I le prove it . This I le maintain , nor do I care , Though Captaine Pot-gun stamp and stare , And swagger , sweare , and teare his hayre In fury . And with the hazard of my blood , I le fight up to the knees in mud , But I will mak my quarrell good , Assure ye . For though I am a man of Trade , And free of London City made , Yet can I use Gun , Bill , and Blade In battle . And Citizens , if need require , Themselves can force the Foe retire , What ever this Low-Countrey Squire Do prattle . For we have Souldiers of our own , Able enough to guard the Town , And Captaines of most faire renown , About it , If any Foe should fight amain , And set on us with all his Train , Wee 'll make him to retire again , Nere doubt it . We have fought well in dangers past , And will do while our lives do last , Without the help of any cast Commaders That hither come , compell'd by want , With rusty Swords , and Suits Provant , From Vtrich , Numigen , or Gant , In Flanders . The Captain could no longer hold , But looking fircely , plainly told The Citizen , he was too bold , and call'd him Proud Boy , and for his sawcy speech , Did shortly vow to whip his breech : Then Ellis snacht the pot , with which he mall'd him . He threw the jugge , and therewithall , He gave the Captain such a mall , As made him thump against the wall his Crupper . With that the Captain took a Dish That stood brim-full of butterd Fish , As good as any heart could wish To supper . And as he threw , his foot did slide , Which turn'd his arme and dish aside , And all be-Butter-fishifide Nic Ballat . And he , good man , did none disease , But sitting quiet and at ease , With butterd Rochets sought to please His pallat . But when he felt the wrong he had , He rag'd , and swore , and grew stark mad , Some in the roome been better had without him ; For he took hold of any thing , And first he caught the poll of Ling , Which he couragiously did fling about him . Out of his hand it flew apace , And hit the Lawyer in the face , Who at the Board in highest place was seated . And as the Lawyer thought to rise , The Salt was thrown into his eyes , Which him of sight in wofull wise Defeated . All things nere hand , Nic Ballat threw : At length his butterd Rochets flew : And hit by chance , among the crew , The Parson . The Sauce his coat did all be-wet , The Priest began to fume and fret , The Seat was butterd which he set His — on . He knew not what to do or say , It was in vaine to Preach or pray , Or cry you are all gone astray , Good people . He might as well go strive to teach Divinity beyond his reach Or when the Bels ring out , go preach I' th Steeple . At this mischance the silly man , Out of the roome would faine have ran , And very angerly began To mutter . Ill luck had he , for after that One threw the Parsneps full of fat Which stuck like Brooches in his Hat , with Butter . Out of the place he soon repaires And ran halfe headlong down the Staires , And made complaint to Master Ayres with crying . Vp ran hee to know the matter , And found how they the things did scatter , Here a Trencher , there a platter were lying . I dare not say he stunk for wo , Nor will , unlesse I did it know , But some there be that dare say so , that smelt him . Nor could ye blame him , if he did , For they threw dishes at his head , And did with Egges and Loaves of Bread , bepelt him . He thrust himselfe into the throng , And u'sd the vertue of his tongue , But what could one mans word among so many ? The Candles all were shuffled out , The Victuals flew afresh about ; Was never such a Combat fought by any . Now in the dark was all the coyle , Some were bloody in the broyle , And some lay steept in Sallet-Oyle and Mustard . The sight would make a man afeard : Another had a butterd Beard , Anothers face was all besmeard with Custard . Others were dawb'd up to the knee With butterd Fish and Furmitee ; And some the men could scarcely see that beat 'em . Vnder the Board Lluellin lay , Being sore frighted with the fray , And as the weapons flew that way , he eat'em . The bread stuck in the windowes all , Like bullets in a Castle wall , Which furious Foes do seek to scale In battle . Shoulders of Mutton , and Loynes of Veale , Appointed for to serve the Meale , About their eares full many a Peale Did rattle . The which when Ouen Blany spide , Oh , take away their Armes he cryde , Lest some great hurt do them betide , Prevent it , And then the Knave away did steale , Of food that fell , no little deale , And in his house at many a meale He spent it . The Captain ran the rest among , As eager to revenge the wrong Done by the Pot which Ellis flung So stoutly . And angry Ellis sought about , To finde the furious Captain out , At length they met , and then they fought Devoutly . Now being met , they never lin , Till with their lowd robustious din , The room and all that was therein , Did tumble . Instead of Weapons made of steele , The Captain took a salted Eele , And at each blow made Ellis reele , and tumble . Ellis a Pippin pie had got , A forer weapon than the pot : For lo , the apples being hot , did scald him . The Captain layd about him still , As if he would poore Ellis kill , And with his Eele with a good will he mall'd him . At length , quoth he , Ellis thou art A fellow of couragious heart , Yeeld now , and I will take thy part hereafter . Quoth Ellis , much I scorn to heare Thy words of threats , being free from feare . With which he hardly could forbeare from laughter . Together then afresh they flie , The Eele against the Pippin Pie : But Blany stood there purposely to watch 'em The weapons wherewithall they fought , Were those , for which he chiefly sought , And with an eager stomack thought to catch 'em . But scap't not now so well away , As at the Veale and Mutton fray : He thought to have with such a prey his jawes fed . But all his hope did turne aside , He lookt for that which luck deny'd ; For Ellis all be-pippin-pyde his Calves head Wo was the case he now was in , The Apples hot , did scald the skin , His Skull , as it had rotten bin , did coddle . With that one foole among the rout , Made out-cry all the house about , That Blany's braines were beaten out his noddle Which Lockwood hearing needs would see , What all this coyl and stirre might be , And up the Staires his Guts and he Went wadling . But when he came the Chamber neere , Behinde the doore he stood to heare , But in he durst not come for feare Of swadling . There stood he in a frightfull case , And as by chance he stir'd his face , Full in the mouth a butter'd Playce Did hit him . Away he sneakt , and with his tongue , He lick'd and swallow'd vp the wrong , And as he went the roome along Be-him . For helpe now doth poore Lockwood crie , O bring a Surgeon , or I die , My guts out of my belly flye : Come quickly . Blany with open mouth likewise , For present help of Surgeon cryes , Pittie a man , quoth he , that lyes So sickly , Philips , the skilfull Surgeon then , Was cal'd , and cal'd , and cal'd agen , If he had skill to cure these men , To shew it . At length he comes , and first he puts His hands , to feel for Lockwoods guts , Which came not forth so sweet as Nuts , All know it . He cries for water . In the mean One cals up Madge the Kitchin quean , To take and make the Baby clean , And clout it . Fast by the Nose she tooke the Squall , And led him softly through the Hall , Lest the perfume through knees should fall About it . Shee turn'd his Hose beneath the knee , Nor could shee chuse but laugh to see , That yellow , which was wont to bee A white breech . Shee took a Dish-clout off the Shelfe , And with it wipt the durtie Elfe , Which had not wit to helpe it selfe Poore-breech . Thus leaving Lockwood all be-rai'd , Vnto the mercie of the Maide , Who well deserved to be paid For taking Such homely paines , Now let us east , Our thoughts backe on the stirre that 's past , And them whose bones could not in haste Leave aking . And like the Candles , shall my Pen Shew you these Gallants once agen , Which now like Furies , not like men Appeared . Fresh lights being brought t' appease the bral , Shew twenty mad men in the Hall , With Bloud and Sauce their faces all Besmeared . Their Cloathes rent and sows'd in drinke , Oyle , Mustard , Butter , and the stinke , Which Lockwood left , would make one thinke In sadnesse , That these so monstrous creatures dwell , Either in Bedlam , or in Hell , Or that no tongue , or Pen can tell Their madnesse They were indeed disfigured so , Friend knew not friend nor foe-man foe , And each man scarce himselfe did know : But after A frantick staring round about , They suddenly did quit their doubt , And loudly all at once brak out In lafter . The heat of all is now alaid , The Keepers gently doe perswade ; And ( as before ) all friends are made , Full kindly . Ellis , the Captaine doth imbrace ; The Captaine doth return the grace , And so doe all men in the place , As friendly By Ioue I love thee , Ellis cryd ; The Captaine soone as much replyed , Thou art , quoth he , a man well tryd : And Vulcan With Mars at ods againe shall be , E're any iarres twixt thee and me : And thereupon I drink to thee A full Can. And then he kneeld upon the ground . Drink 't off ( quoth Ellis ) for this round For ever shall be held renownd : And never May any quarrell twixt us twaine Arise , or this renew againe , But may we loving friends remaine For ever Amen , cryde Captaine , so did all , And so the health went through the Hall , And thus the Noble Counter-brall Was ended . But hunger now did vexe'em more , Then all their anger did before : They searcht i' th roome how far their store Extended . They want the meat which Blany stole , One finds a Herring in a hole , With durt and dust blacke as a coale , And trodden All under feet ; The next in post Snaps vp , and feeds on vvhat was lost , And lookes not whether it be rost Or sodden . A third finds in another place A piece of Ling in durtie case , And Mustard in his fellovves face ; Another Espies , that finds a loafe of bread : A dish of Butter all bespread . And stuck vpon anothers head I' th poother . Thus what they found , contented some , At length the Keeper brings a Broome , Meaning there with to cleanse the roome With sweeping . But under Table , on the ground , Looking to sweepe , by chance he found Luellin , faining to be sound - ly sleeping . He pull'd him out so swift by the heeles , As if his arse had ran on wheeles , And found his pockets stuft with Eeles : His Cod-piece Did plenty of provision bring , Somewhat it held of every thing , Smelts , Flounders , Rochets , and of Ling A broadpiece . At this discoverie each man round Tooke equall share of what was found , Which afterwards they freely drown'd In good drink . For of good Beere there was good store , Till all were glad to give it o're , For each man had enough and more That would drink . And when they thus had Drunk and fed , ( As if no quarrell had been bred ) They all shook hands and all to bed Did shuffle . Ellis , the glory of this Towne , With that brave Captaine of renowne , And thus I end this famous Coun-ter Scuffle . FINIS . To the Reader . THis Bacchanalian Night-prize of the Counter-Scuffle , being thus finished , hath ever since frighted both Prisoners and Iaylors from comming into any roome , for feare of a second uproare . So that the Counter , for want of sweet garnishing , and cleanly looking to , is grown so nasty , that no man ( by his good will ) will thrust his nose in at any of the grates : Nay , will rather goe a mile about , than come neare it ; Though to keep it sweet , a great deale of Mace is stuck upon every Sergeant , as if he were a Copon in white-broth . Vpon this slovenlinesse , it is wofully haunted with Rats , not such Rats as runne up and downe in Brew-bouses , sucking the new wort of strong Beere so long , and in such abundance , that halfe the City is compelled to drink Beere as small as water ; Nor those Rats which are not mealy mouth'd in Bake-houses , where they gnaw so many batches of Bread , that a Penny loafe wants sometimes three or foure ounces in waight : And then the honest Baker is blam'd , and curs'd , and ( perhaps ) innocently set in the Pillory . Neither are they those Rats , which greaze their throats in Tallow-Chandlers shops , where they nibble so much upon Candles , that not one pound in an hundred is ever full waight . No , these are no Rats with foure legs , but only two ; and though they have nests in a thousand places of London , yet for the most part they run but into two Rot-traps , that is to say , The Counters of Wood-street and the Poultry , and for that cause are called Counter-Rats . How caught , how mouz'd , and what they are , This picture lively doth declare . THE COVNTER RAT . OF Knights and Squires of low degree , Of Roaring Boyes , that stick and snee , Of Battoon Dam-mees , that cry Bree , I sing now , At men and women , ( Bawds and whores ) At Pimps and Panders that keep doores , * At all that out-face Vintners scores , I fling now . What fling I ? Nothing , but light rimes , ( Not tun'd as are St. Pulchers chimes ) No steeples heigth my Muse now climbes , But flyeth . Close to the ground as Swallowes do , When rainy weather must ensue , She flies , and sings , and if not true , She lyeth . Lay ( * Hocus Pocus ) thy tricks by , Let Martin Parkers Ballads die , Thy theaming likewise I defie ; O Fenner . Let Hogsdon-Scrapers on their Base Sound Fum-fum-fum from totterd case , Nor Meane , nor Treble now take place , But Tennor ; A Counter-Tennor is that note , Too easie , — 't is nere sung by rote , But got with wetting well your throat With Claret . Or stout March-beere , or Windsor Ale , Or Labour in vaine , ( so seldome stale , ) Or Pymlico , whose too great sale Did marre it : He that me reads , shall fall out flat With Homers Frog , and Virgils Gnat , And Ovids Flea , which so neare sat The Moone shine . For I of stranger wonders write , Of a wilde Vermin got each night , Mad Buls i' th dark , but guls in sight , Of Sun-shine . My Metamorphosis is rare , For Men to Rats transformed are , And then , those Rats are Prisoners fare , O pitty ! But t is good sport to see them drest , To garnish out a Mornings Feast , Each bit being salted with a jest Scarce witty : These are not Rats that nibble cheese , Or challenge mouldy crusts for fees , And rather will their long tayles leese Than Bacon : No , these are they , whose guts being cram'd , ( As Canons hard with powder ram'd ) And Bag-pipe cheekes with wines inflam'd , Are taken By Constables and Bill-men eke , Who speak not Latine , French , nor Greek , But are Night-Sconces out to seek Night-sneakers , Who late in Taverns up do sit , Whiffing smoke , Money , Time , and wit . Pouring in Boules , till out they spit Full Beakers . These ( then ) being to the Counter led . Each Prisoner shakes his shaggie head , And leaning halfe out of his bed , A laughing Fals , — And cries out — A Rat — A Rat , Oh! roares another , — Is he fat ? If not , — Fley off his cloak or hat ; Thus scoffing , Till Morne they lye . — The poore Rat gets Into some hole . — Besides his wits , To heare such cater walling fits , So fright him : But day being rise , — All up do rise , And call for Beere to cleare his eyes , A Garnish then the whole Roome cryes , They bite him , Aske any how such newes I tell , Of Wood-streets hole or Poultries hell ? Know , I did mongst those Gypsies dwell , That cozen there . I mean the Turn keys , and those Knaves , Who rack , for fees , men worse then slaves , I saw brought in with bils and glaves , Some dozen there . For I one night by Rug-gownes caught , Was for a Rat to th' Counter brought , What there my deere experience bought , I le sell yee Cheaper , than I could have it there , For they for Tokens throats will teare , But such as 't is , fill with the Cheere Your belly . Prick up your eares , — for I begin To tell , what Rats , my night , came in , Caught without Cat , or Trap , or Ginne , But mildly , Being call'd before the Bench of wits Who sit out midnights Bedlam fits ; But some being rid , like Iades with Bits , Ran wildly . First , about twelve , the Counter gates Thundred with thumpings , — Dores & grates Reel'd at the peale , — when our prison-mates Vp starting , Saw in the yard a frantick Swarm , Crying , O my head , neck , sides , leg , arme , Sore had the fight been , but small harme At parting , It was a watch , swearing we bleed , But 't was their noses dropt indeed ; Masters ( quoth they ) we charge ye take heed Of him there . A Roaring Rat . THat Royster , us to our trumps has put , And run our Beadle through a gut , His Bilbo has from each man cut A limb here . They gone , Vp comes the Bredah-Bouncer , His tusks stiffe-starcht like a brave Mounser , Of Turnbull-Puncks a staring Trouncer , Some knew him ; Why , here ( quoth we ) why ? zounds because I tugg'd with beares , and par'd their pawes , But sure I mall'd Mr Constables Iawes , O slew him ; All 's one , — sayd one , Please you to bed Sir ; He ( swearing ) roar'd , I 'm better bred Sir , I scorn to rock my Harnesse-Head Sir , In feathers ; Give me a Brick , Sir , for my bolster , An Armourer still is my Vpholster , In frost , snow , muck-hils I can roll Sir , Hang weathers . Rogue , fetch me a sweet trusse of straw , To fire thy Iayle , — Pox a this Law , That coopes a Souldier like sack Daw , I' st treason ? Rascall ! more Claret , There 's none here Sir , Why then ( you mangy Cur ) some beere Sir , There 's not a Tapster dares come neere Sir ▪ Thy reason ? Because you thwack out such huge words Sir , His wezand fears them worse than swords Sir Mum then , — I le take a nap o' th boords Sir . He sleepes there . A Crosse legg'd Rat . A Puritan Taylor then came in , Who ( to take measure ) out had bin , And ( Maudlin-drunk ) to rince his sin , He weeps there . Weepes to be call'd a Rat , being known A man at least , — so down being thrown , On a hard Bench , thus did he groan In sorrow ; Brethren where am I ? One reply'd , In Wood-street Counter . — O my pride ! Thou art tane down , and I must hide Too morrow A head that was not hid before , Wo worth him makes Manasses roare , But die I may not in his score , Beleeve me , For consolation I espy Th'row my sweet Spanish needles eye , The Sisters will ( if here I lie ) Releeve me , Sisters i' th' Counter ! oh no : here Only the wicked ones appeare , Wash then thy shame in brinish teares , Confessing . Th'art rightly punisht for thy Yard , And for thy Goose which graz'd too hard , And for some Stuffes which thou hast marr'd With pressing . We ask'd him , why he was brought in , Black threds of vice ( quoth he ) I spin , And then agen did thus begin , Condoling , All are not Friers , I see , weare Cowles , Nor all in minc'd ruffes , milk-white soules , I should have talk'd thus when the bowles Were trolling : But then , to steale I held no harm , Lappets of drink to keep me warm , But linings wet , hurt , though they arm , Indeed-la O would my sheeres might cut my thred , Why is this crosse-legg'd mischiefe bred ? Mending my want from heele to head With speed-la . Sorrow has made me dry , — No matter , Out of mine eyes will I drink water , No other Ram my braines shall batter , To kill me , Roofe , touch no more wines , French or Spanish , All drinks Papisticall I banish , Out of my lips this phrase shall vanish Boy , — Fill me . One bid him call for beere , — he sed , Oh! No more beere . — But reach me bread , By that I le sweare — Would I were dead , And rotten . When I agen swill ought but whay , Yet lest ( being cold ) my zeale decay , Hot waters shall not be one day Forgotten . An old gray Rat . THis done , he nods , and quickly snores ; And then afresh wind flie the doores , An Vsurer hedg'd in with mad Whores , Came wallowing , As does a great ship on the Seas , Set on by Gallies , — for , all these Were Fish-wives , who had wine at ease Been swallowing , And blown him up with penny-pots Of Sack , which fall to him by lots , Payd him at weeks end by th'old Trots , For shillings Each Monday lent them , — To buy Skate Crabs , Plaice , and Sprats at Bill insgate Thus , then they met , and hold thus late Their drillings . He rests in peace , — but is not dead , Yet is wormes meat in lowzie bed , And lies like one wrapt up in led , None stirr'd him , But all his Oyster-mouthes gap'd wide , ( Wine in their guts was at full Tide ) The Devill did so their Rumps bestride , And spurr'd them : They flung & winc'd , & kick'd down staires Themselves , and stampt like Flanders Mares , Hell is broke loose , No Keeper dares Approach them ; For , at that Dogge ( besawc'd in Sack ) They grinde their teeth , and curse him black , Crying out , 'T is thee does break their back , And broach them So fast , that all their gaines boyle out , Deep-red to dye his pockie snout , But , that which flung these brands about So hotly , 'Gan now to quench them , sleep does sound Retreat , dead-drunk they all lie drown'd In cast-up wine , — and on the ground The shot lie . A Black Rat . SCarce was this hellish dinne allayd , But drencht in mire , with drink berayd , ( New curried ) was brought in a jade All mettle , An Estridge that iron barres could eat , And Strong-beere out of Sea-coales beat , His fifty-cuffes did the Watch fret And nettle ; This second Smug , who had the staggers , This Vulcanist , whose nayles were daggers , This Smith so arm'd in Ale , he swaggers , At snoring , Though lockt up , yet set up his trade , Bolts , Hinges , Barres , and Grates he made Fly , — which being heard , the Iaylors payd His roaring . They furnish't him with iron enough . Neck , hands , and leggs had armour tough , And stronger ( but more cold ) than Buffe , To guard him . How did they this ? none durst come neer him Like Tom of Bedlam did they feare , All bringing Cans , to pledge them , swear him , So snar'd him , Yet , for all this , he danc'd in 's shackles , And cry'd , t'other Pot , I want more tackles , And thus ( till break of day ) it cackles , Layd having The addle Egge of his turn'd braines , In his iron nest of rusty chaines , Which made him lose both sense of paines , And raving . A Long Tayl'd Rat . THe next that in our little Ease , Came to be bit with Lice and Fleas , Was a spruce Knave , like none of these , But sober , As the Strand May-pole , — he did go , In ruffe , — His thumb th'row ring did show A Gentleman seal'd , — for he was no Hog-grubber : It was a Petty-fogging Varlet , Whose back wore freez , but bum no scarlet , And was tane napping with his Harlot , At noddy : But being hal'd in , his haire he rent ; And swore they all should deare repent Their basenesse , — for no ill he meant To her body : The Prisoners ask't then what she was , ( Quoth he ) My Client , — One well to passe , Though here they impound me like an Asse , I le ferk them . I le make the Beadle pluck in 's horne , He flirted at my nose in scorne , The Watch shall stink , the Constable mourn , I le jerk them , Hang them ( if need be ) for they broke Her house , — That 's Burglary , — The clock Scarce counting two , — Then they struck Ath'mazzard . An action of strong Battery ! Good ! They made my Nose then gush bloud ; ( One more ! ) — And that I mist the mud was hazzard . Here 's Law in lumps : — Must , when to trial My Client comes , I have denyal For ingress to her , by Scabs ? A Ryal I enter At Midnight , — a plain Case , — else Ployden The Case is altred : — shall each Hoyden Bar Law her course ? Dare rustick Royden so venture ? A farthing-candle burning by , By chance his railing rage did die , Yet to his Brest , Revenge did cry : so churning His brains for Law-tricks how to sting them , And up to all the Bars to bring them , He sat , hard-twisting cords to wring them , till morning . No more of this light skipping Verse ; A dreery Table I now rehearse . LOng this brown study did not last , But in , at Compter-gates as fast Throng'd in the Watch again . A noise Of scraping men and squeaking boys Straight fill'd the house . The Two-pennyward Leap'd up and fell a dancing hard : Out at the Hole , all thrust their heads ; The Knights Ward left their seven-groatbeds : The Masters side hearing the din Swore that the Devil was sure brought in : But when they heard they Fidlers were ; Some curs'd the noise , some lent an ear : None curs'd , but what went drunk to bed , Being then for want of drink half dead . Lock't were the Fidlers in a Room ; All cry'd , Strike up , Play Rogues , Fum fum . The Minnikin tickled , roar did the Base ; Then bawdy songs , all sleep must chase ; The men play'd heavily , boys did whine , Not seeing Meat , Mony , Beer , nor Wine : Up such a laugh the Prisoners took , That the Beds danc'd , and Chambers shook ; Nay , the strange hubbub did so please , At Prison-bace ran both Lice and Fleas . The Rozzen rub'd off , the Cats guts weary , VVe ask'd , how they who made men merry Grew sad themselves , and why ( like sprites ) Fidlers being strung to walk anights , VVere they lock'd up ? — One then , i th eye Putting his finger , told us why . Quoth he , being met by a mad Crew , In these poor cases — up they drew Our Fiddles , and like Tinkers swore VVe should play them to the Blue-Bore , Kept by mad Ralf at Islington , VVhose Hum and Mum , being power'd upon Our guts , — so burnt'em , we desir'd To part ; — being out o' th' house e'en fir'd : As our hands play'd , our heads were plyed ; And , tho the night was cold , we fryed ; For such hot waters sod our brain , Like Daws in June , we gap'd for rain : Strong were our Coxcombs , our legs weak ; VVe , nor our Fiddles had wit to speak . The company then being fast asleep , And we paid soundly , out did creep Into the high-way — O sweet Moon ! We , but for thee , had been undone : Yet , though thy torch to us was sighted , VVe all might well have been indited For breaking into others ground , Three in one ditch being almost drown'd ; Yet out scrambled , and along The Play-house came , — where seeing no throng , We swore 't was sure some scurvy Play , That all the people so sneak'd away ; And so the Players descended were To th' Star , Nags-head , or Christopher . To all those Taverns ( we cry'd ) Let 's go , At which one fell , and then swore — No . The Bars in Smith-field well we past , For all the Watch had run in haste , Arm'd with chalk'd Bills , wak'd by a cry Of Whore-dorps tane by th' enemy . From Cow-Cross stood those stoves not far , In which were entred men of war ; ( Low-Country Souldiers late come o're ) Each one going in to press a whore . Leaving them pressing , on we trot Through the Horse-fair , till we had got Into the middle of Long-lane , Where up the Devil doth Brokers train . There down we fell , and then fell out , Our leathern Cases flew about : VVe fenc'd , and foyn'd , and fought so long , That all our Fiddles lay half unstrung ; Their backs were broke , & we o'th'ground , Swouning for grief they did not sound : Our noise brought up from Aldersgate The rugged Watch , who before sate Nodding at the old Mermaids dore ; VVho with a guard of half a score Seiz'd us , and cry'd , at going away , Sad Lachrymae you there shall play . This told , the Prisoners laught out-right ; And though the whole Ward had no light , Yet from their beds all skipt and cry , Scrapers , strike up , we the VVatch desie . The Moon so bold was to look in , And saw some onely in their skin , ( Naked as Cuckowes when June's past ) Some had long shirts down to their waste ; Some wanted back-parts , some an Arm ; None vvore a shirt could keep him vvarm : A French Boy that svveeps Chimnies , vvears His patch'd-up frock as vvhite as theirs : Some on their heads no night-caps wore , Some lapp'd their brows in hose all tore : They hobble about , they frisk , they sing So long , that crackt was every string , By their rude horse-play altogether , Flinging their legs they car'd not whither . Such horrid noise , such stinking smell Cannot be heard nor felt in hell : Yet o'er they gave not , till the Sun Arose , then all to bed did run . Good-morrow . THe Rats into the Trap that fell That night , were few — The Constable Belike did wink , and would not see ; For , when the winds rise , his watch and he Toss all that venture on their waves ; The rocks being brown-bills , Clubs & staves On which they split them — These and they When morning comes are fetch'd away : Those Rats o'er night whose shapes did leese , Being soon turn'd men , by paying but fees ; Yet some lose tail , some are seratcht bare , Whilst Constables and Counters share . FINIS . Notes, typically marginal, from the original text Notes for div A61061e-140 The Supper . Parson . Lawyer . The Souldier Citizen Ellis a Bristow man . The Scuffle Wil. Llu ellin a prisoner there , sometime the Keeper . One of the under Keepers . A Turn-key a fat fellow . Notes for div A61061e-10570 * I mean no Play-doores : Those are too honest . * The Kings Iuggler .