Fragmenta carceris, or, The Kings-bench scuffle, with the humours of the common-side The Kings-bench litany : and The legend of Duke Humphrey / by Samuel Speed ... Speed, Samuel, 1631-1682. 1674 Approx. 63 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 28 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2004-03 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A61071 Wing S4900 ESTC R5623 13489418 ocm 13489418 99744 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A61071) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 99744) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 476:9) Fragmenta carceris, or, The Kings-bench scuffle, with the humours of the common-side The Kings-bench litany : and The legend of Duke Humphrey / by Samuel Speed ... Speed, Samuel, 1631-1682. [2], [51] p. Printed by J. C. for S. S. ..., London : 1674. In verse. Illustrated t.p. Reproduction of original in Huntington Library. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. Gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. 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Copies of the texts have been issued variously as SGML (TCP schema; ASCII text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable XML (TCP schema; characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless XML (TEI P5, characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or TEI g elements). Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng Humphrey, -- Duke of Gloucester, 1391-1447. England and Wales. -- Court of King's Bench. 2003-10 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2003-11 Apex CoVantage Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2003-12 Judith Siefring Sampled and proofread 2003-12 Judith Siefring Text and markup reviewed and edited 2004-02 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion Fragmenta Carceris : OR , The KINGS-BENCH SCUFFLE ; WITH THE HUMOURS of the COMMON-SIDE . THE KINGS-BENCH LITANY . AND The Legend of Duke HUMPHREY . By Samuel Speed , a Member of that Royal Society . Are they at 〈◊〉 The Devil part ' em . LONDON , Printed by I. C. for S. S. and sold by the Booksellers of London and Westminster . 1674. To his worthy Friends , the ingenious Gentlemen-Prisoners , within the Confines of the KINGS-BENCH . SIRS , SInce the People of the World imagine ye to be Prisoners , I shall endeavour to offer my instructions how you may convince them of their Errors : Study how to be Content ; so though you change your place , your Fortunes are the same ; ye alter the habitation of your Bodies , for the better enjoying the tranquillity of your minds . He is truly Noble , that knows how to rejoyce in Crosses , as well as in Contents ; that will not think of Desperation , nor be urged with Impatience . The Body of a wise man , is a House unto the Soul ; but to the ignorant , a Prison : for the discontented man is a slave to his own humours , and a Prisoner in a double sense . Nor can the Soul of a discreet man be confined , more than the windy breath of Boreas ; or as easie is it to shut up the bright beams of light within a Chrystal . No Prison in the world , be it famous , or infamous , can be so deep , as to bury ; so dark , as to blind ; so strait , so crooked , so narrow , as to bind the Genius of a wise man : for wisdom is the wing of the Soul , that bears it not only out of Prison , but to all the parts of the Terrestrial Globe . A continuation of which happiness , is heartily wished by ( GENTLEMEN ) Your Friend and Servant , Samuel Speed. On his Friend Mr. SAMUEL SPEED , and his KINGS-BENCH SCUFFLE . ARE Prisons now made Offices of Wit ? 'T is more than strange , but true that thou hast writ Without the help of Books , as if for th'nonce Fate did decree that thou shouldst study stones . Couldst thou not find a trusting Aristotle ? Nothing to feed thy Muse , but Bub and Bottle ? Yet thy smooth lines carry such gentle strains , That not torment , but recreate the brains . In Writings certainly those best must be , That freely suit with each capacity . What can Encomiums add unto thy Fame , Since thou hast got a monumental Name Left by thy Grandsire , one that will out-last The iron teeth of Time , or Fames loud blast ? His Chronicle's a Pyramid to thee , And thou art Great , though Speeds Epitome . WILLIAM SHELDEN . THE Kings-Bench SCUFFLE . IT is not of the force of Bulls , Or of those Heroes break their Skulls I' th' Bear-garden , nor else of Trulls , as Phillis , Chloris , the fairest Nymphs as may Be pick't up in a Summers day , By Gallants that adore an Amarillis . Nor do I sing of Butter-flies , Or of the screeks , and horrid cryes Of dying Pigs , or chatt'ring Pyes : for know ye , To hag my Muse at such a rate , Would make me with my self debate ; For too too much is such a state below me . But mind my Tale ye Champions all , For I am to relate a Brawl , The like did never yet befall in Kings-Bench . It lately hapned th' other day , That there began a horrid fray , And 't was about ( as people say ) a thing 's wench , So mean a Rat , that you 'd have swore , His Jade must be a Common Whore , Or she 'd nere fancy such a Boarish Fellow . But say the Girl was Whore enough , And strongly smelt of Kitchin-stuff , Yet she had Vizard-mask , and Muff was yellow . To set her person forth would be A task of small felicity ; Nor need it , fince they did agree to love well . Though some would call the Lady Punk , Some hold their Nose as if she stunk , Yet these two Lovers would be drunk above well . One time unhappily it chanc't , That some upon her Credit danc't , At which her brisk Gallant he pranc't profoundly ; VVith Pots , and Pipes , he made retreat , VVith all his force to do the feat ; He flung , and did another beat most soundly . The Flaggons flew about amain , Much blood was spilt , but no man slain ; So that the Scuffle was in vain , as seemeth . But one more stout than all beside , Look't round about , and then he spy'd One sleeping , but with honour cry'd , He dreameth . From whence the world may understand There 's those are stout , but can command Their passions with the best o' th' Land : for know it , If any he dare be so fell , Rashly to fight in hopes to quell , Fame's Trumpet won't the story tell , nor blow it . Nor is 't my place to issue forth The Actions of an unknown Birth , Though all his Deeds they may be worth Rehearsal . Then let us sing those praises due , Which from his Valour did accrue ; 'T is pity but they should be Universal . He that has Rambled through the Halls O' th' City , slept upon its Stalls , Behold ! 't is he , the stony Walls environ ; As if they did design their Jarrs Should be more cruel than our Wars , Who call to their assistance Bars of Iron . And well they might with reason too , If my Intelligence be true , For all ( God knows ) had much ado to hold him . How then shall I describe this Man , VVhose Deeds a Volume cannot span ? And in my thoughts , there 's no man can unfold him . In short , some stories flew about , ( For in the end the truth will out ) And those did make his Mistriss pout , and srown too ; VVith indignation then she swore , She 'd be reveng'd of Rogue ; or VVhore , Counted her sins , and made the score abound too . VVith Prince , or Peasant , Lord , or Earl , I venture dare or Gold or Pearl , They never met with such a Girl for Valour : A Girl , and thereby hangs a tail , Although perhaps itwas somewhat stale , Her tongue I 'm sure could all out-rail ▪ And taller This our Girl was ; yet I 'de be loth For her to lye , or use an Oath , For Nature did her part by both , so be it . This Age produces those as bold , Majestick , strong , or those can scold , As former Ages did of old , we see it . The man with silence had incag'd His soul , but now he was enrag'd , And valiantly he would have wag'd his tatling : That whereas some her Honour smutcht , ( For such like words he alwayes grutcht To hear ) that none of them had toucht her Twatling . One that Pot valiant was , stood by , And without musing , gave the Lye : VVhat after hapned , by and by will follow . The woman reacht a neighb'ring Kan , And flung't at 's head ; her loving man To buffets fell , and all began to hollow . The woman , as in Duty bound , Seeing him tumbled to the ground , The other Heroe she did soundly scratch him . The humble man cry'd two to one VVas odds , and so lay still to groan ; And to say truth , her self alone would match him . But since 't is past , so much for that , Now let 's some other subject chat , Not of some Chit , or little Brat , but Tall-man . But Reader , this observe , take heed How you with Gyant deal your speed ; For it may chance to cost indeed a fall man. Have you not heard of Warwick's Guy , That slew a world when none were by , And can ye then forbear to cry 't is pity ? But why do we discourse of one , As if he merited alone ? The Greeks it was that made to groan a City . The splendid Troy was made forlorn , Like Sampson's Foxes in the Corn , Each merry Greek exalted horn , to burn ' em . By merry Greeks the learned mean Fat Usurers , that are obscene , And say they 'll make their Debtors lean , to turn ' em . Thus as advis'd by Hudibras , One line for Rime must this time pass , For sense the other : for alas you know well , We erring Mortals sometime speak Or Non-sense , Latin , or pure Greek ▪ And Trees too have a silent squeek , sayes Howell . But why do we digress so wide ? Hark how they roar o' th' 〈◊〉 For to be poor is all their 〈…〉 And who more blith than they are there ▪ They drink and sing to banish care , For they are mad because they spare the Sherry . And well they may , for when they get it , Their stomacks are so sharply whetted , The VVine would surely be befretted at thee Boyes ; For I have heard 'em make their moan , When Ale would give 'em leave to groan , Such Liquor sure was made alone for we Boyes . The Cellar you may note is dark , And each ones eye doth seem to spark - Cle ; ev'ry minute ecchoes , Hark , a Taper . The light 's come in to ease their thrall , Commanded by the chief of all , Whom we in vulgar terms do call Ale-draper . When brought and on the Table sat , A Ceremony they begat In Complements ; but note each Hat was pawned . But Iack let 's drink , a fart for Foe , We 'll drench the Cellar , then we 'll go ; Faith come , a match , cry all , and so they yawned . Sayes one , Let 's scorn to think of wealth ; A second drinks his Sov'raigns health , And that goes round , for none by stealth , forsake it . Drink round , cryes one , Boy drink agen , The Act will pay our Debts ; for when We 're quite undone , we 'll jointly then go take it . A League is made , and all are Friends , With promises to make amends ; For no man there hath private ends , they scorn it . Their Liquor that is sound and strong , And when there 's one that doth prolong The drinking , this is all their Song , Come horn it . Up with 't , another cryes , Nay , pish Man , pull away , and give 's the Dish ; For such delayes will catch no Fish : Drink clear Boy . If I had stowage like a VVhale , Oh I could tell thee such a Tale , I 'd live on only Smoke and Ale , and Beer Boy . Then on the Cup he layes his fang , And doth it to his Neighbour bang , VVith — Let our Creditors go hang I say men . They all their Contribution pay , And kill with Curses every way ; And in conclusion each doth say to 't Amen . Their Coyn and Credit being crack't , They all conclude it is no Fact To swear according to the Act , a stout Book . To that 't is time to list an ear , Their Oaths by Rote they will forbear , For they too long were us'd to swear without-book . Nor are they there so void of bliss , But they can eat , and eating piss ; For nothing there can come amiss to many . Sometimes no Knife they have perhaps , However there are bones and scraps Are ready carv'd to fit the chaps of any . VVhen Din'd , they to the Cellar run ; Sayes one , Come Brother , charge your Gun ; Here 's Smoke , there 's none beneath the Sun can mend it . His Pipe he fills , and all the rest , Not one did seem with grief opprest , And each did like a welcome Guest attend it . There 's no man's Soul but 's large and wide , They 're free , though freedom is deni'd ; From thence 't is call'd the Common Side : for all things In common lie , and are dispers - Ed so , I cannot well rehearse It in the compass of a Verse : Nor small things Are there so much as thought upon ; Their Creditors though hard as stone , Whil'st these are singing , sigh and groan , No matter . They 're fools that think a Prison payes ; And while they keep their strict delayes , They do themselves ( instead of praise ) bespatter . They 're mad-men wont be Pris'ners there , For each ones life is void of care ; Of food they have enough to spare their Debtors . Their Charities are grown so large , Though Rowers some in Boat , or Barge , They 'll stay themselves , but they 'll discharge Abettors . But now a mischief draweth nigh ; Tobacco here is , one doth cry , But it will surely make us dye the quicker , If thus we eat , and smoke without Some moisture : Hogs that feed on Grout , And are but Swine , yet they no doubt have Liquor . One being drunk , could not collogue , But plainly gave his gen'rous vogue , Pox on 'em all that sent this Rogue among us ; These cursed tricks he 'll never lin , Till he payes dearly for his sin ; ' Stead of Virginia , he brings in Mundungus . I have two half-pence , sayes the next ; Another much with passion vext , But yet a man was hugely dextrous frothing , Cry'd , I 've been cutting Pegs all day , VVhil'st others at the Grate did pray , And as it seemeth by my fay for nothing . Come , since we are all bare of Chink , This Moveable shall purchase Drink , Here 's a Crevat , my honest Skinker draw some : But let it be the best , for know , VVe mean to pay before we go ; Let not your Drink , dear honest Io , be nausome . Two pots of Beer were straitway brought , And drank they were , as soon as caught ; That had you seen 'em , you 'd have thought 'em Monsters . However each one did abhor To be at least behind-hand , or Dirty ; for know , they car'd not for misconsters . My Hat ( cryes one ) will yield Two pots , To which agree the other Sots ; For they most freely take their lots as can be . The last man drank the bottom up ; VVith that , sayes one , I 'll have a sup ( Out of a far more chearful Cup ) of Brandy . To purchase half a Pint of that , His Coat was lodg'd with th' others Hat ; The Brandy came , and laid 'em flat as Flounders . But by and by they rose again , And with one voyce they all complain , That they must be ( or Tapster slain ) compounders . You Rogue , sayes one , with Carrots sandy , You brought us damn'd confounded Brandy ; Another call'd him Iack-a-dandy ; A third man Swore at him , call'd him something too , And said , he 'd beat him black and blew : He scornfully replying , You , A Turd man. VVith that a Scuffle did begin , Nor was there one that car'd a pin For broken Pate , or maimed Shin , which you know Is common in such Feuds as these ; 'T is better ( than to fight ) t' appease , And far more wholesom for ones ease , by Iuno . A pewter flagon , not of Lead , VVas straitway flung at Tapsters head ; But mist , or else he had been dead o' th' sudden . The Tapsters courage now was stung , And searching all the food among , VVith might and main he stoutly flung a Pudden . 'T was little less than scalding hot , One that by order he had got For some that greas'd the Porridge-pot when able . And truly I my self did wish For that , above the butter'd fish , As being held the better Dish o' th' Table . But all were good , for they were drest Not as a dinner , but a feast , VVhen each man is a welcome Guest on High-dayes . Nor is my zeal so nicely fresh , To raise disputes 'tween Leg and Leash , For I can eat , or fish , or flesh , on Fridayes . Another flung with all his might An Artichoke , but aim'd not right ; For missing Tapster , smote the sight of woman , Or wife to one among the Crew , Although the Company all knew Her well , and that she would be true to no man. However she with batter'd face VVhen wip't , began to open case : People , quoth she , if this disgrace ye suffer , No woman shall henceforth appear , To give her friend a Cup of Beer ; But ev'ry Rascal that is here will cuff her . That blunt detracting word did gall Not only one , but joyntly all , That on the woman they befall with ill words : As you 're a VVhore , a common Cheat , Your tongue out of your head we 'll beat . One silent was , for he was eating Phill-berds . But at the last this mighty Hub Bub concluded in virtuous Bub , As good as ever came from Tub , or Barrel . And Reader , if thou hadst been there , Thou needst must have an equal share Of courage , that must boldly dare to quarrel . For to say true , I cannot tell , But it may be the Muses well , Of which 't is sung , it doth excell all others . For they 're of such a jovial func - Tion , that they 'd drink until they stunk , And swear they 'd live and dye as Drunken Brothers . I oftentimes my self have sipt Until my Legs each other tript , And sober Vermine call'd me tiptled Spend-thrift . Among the rest a smooth-fac't La - Dy , call'd Sempstress , did by my fay Rebuke me , and I answer'd , Madam Mend-shift . Tom Segar he more bold indeed , Faster than I my self made speed All to be-whore her , till her Needle prickt her . At which we did compassion take , And only laught to see her quake ; For were it not for her bloods sake , We'd kickt her . But were it not for Drink , the Smoke Might very well the stoutest choke ; And I observ'd it did provoke to squtter . For some stept forth , with faces blew , To spit perhaps , or else to spew , Returning with a smoothing hew as Butter . But let me not mistake , for sure The Muses never did inure Themselves to Smoke , or could endure Tobacco . But here the Parallel may hold , Our Cellar 's fill'd with Beer that 's old ; But they would fuddle out their Gold in Sack though . The next in view , is man of Pegs ; If he can stand , will stretch his Legs , Till reeling he has broke of Eggs a flasket . For there is good relief he knows , Not in his Creditors , or Foes , But in the scraps which overflows the basket . With these his eager paunch he fills , Forgets his grace , and then he kills , Not on his Trencher , those are ills beneath him . But was it either Louse or Flea , Or both perhaps , as that may be , It matters not , then thinketh he , bequeath him Unto his rest I think it fit : Then having eat the other bit , He takes his Knife , and wipeth it most cleanly , But 't was upon his Shooes or Hose , Sometimes the inside of his cloaths ; For Basket-victuals all men knows is leanly . Howere the Fish was wondrous good , Swimming all in a Butter-flood ; Nor could a mortal wish for food much better . But as 't would vex a Dog to see A Pudding creep , or go , or flee ; So you may judge it vexed me the greater . The names of this same Butter'd-fish Were Cods ▪ and Maids , both in a Dish , Most neatly laid , as heart could wish they should do . By this same Dish another stood ▪ Esteem'd by all almost as good , And any one might eat that woo'd , and could too . This was no Counter-supper fight , Not courage that was shew'd at Night , But such as did by Day invite those sinners That came to make their mirth sometimes VVith Notes loud as St. George's Chimes , And knew the punctual hours and climes for Dinners . Now Mars inspire my busie Muse , While I discourse of Cuff and Bruise , Such as this Age doth seldom use to hear on . The Table was bedeckt with Kan , With Pots , and Dishes ; but one man No sooner sate , but he began to jeer on , Reflecting on the Tapsters face , Anon bemoans the womans case ; Both taking it for a disgrace , like Thunder The Dishes flie all at his head , Who though a Captain as 't was sed , Fill'd all the people ( not b'ing dead ) with wonder : One takes the Captains part with Mug In hand , another with a Jug Meets him , and they with Cornish hug do greet each . But first about each others Pate They broke their Pots , then in the state Of wrestling , they at any rate do beat each . Their number was some Twenty-six , No one forbore to shew his Tricks , But each does like a Mastiff fix on other . The Room by this time swam with Drink , With Fish , and Butter , not with Chink ; Whil'st each with might did striving think to Smother , Stifle , or Drown his furious Foe ; For there 't is known they made no moe Of slipping when they could not go i' th' Liquor . That being Drunk before they were So dasht against the Butts of Beer , Some cryed out , Oh I shall ne're be sicker . Some that best scap't , got up again , Scratching their heads to ease their pain , VVhil'st some do tipple up the main so Aley , That down they tumble in their fits , Forsake the thoughts of eating bits ; For now alas their tender wits cry Vale. To study Plots is no designe Of theirs , if they get Ale or VVine ; For they adore the Tub and Vine so highly , They tipple till their heads do ake , And then their head and heels they shake ; Publick Devotions too they make not slily . VVhen any friend to visit comes , And sends for VVine to whet their hums , Their voyces sound as loud as Drums to Bacchus . May that great God be blest , cry they , That thus provides such pleasant VVhey , Oh that his Vines for ever may be-sack us . A London Citizen was wont To quarrel with a silly — Ryman , and he was daring blunt as Ellis : Of whom in ancient Story we Read how the Counter-Rats agree ; That he most stoutly oft would flee their Bellies . The Countreyman howere was stout , They boxt and boxt a second bout , Nor could all art make him give out for won day . It was acknowledg'd 'fore 'em all , That there was neither great nor small , Like him could wrest , or kick the Ball on Sunday . The flying Fish now marcht about , Begreas'd and smote the Rabble-Rout ; The Tapster had his eyes put out , to thinking . But when retreating from his ground , He searcht with care the butter'd wound : All people there then plainly found him winking . But yet the Fish did soundly palt , And which was worse , the Butter salt Stole in his eyes by ( as some call 't ) a Bye-blow . In wrath a piece of Beef just hot , He reach't as taken from the Pot ; The Beef besides alas had got a Flie-blow . The Dinner ended , ere it did Begin ; for men and meat were hid : Some slept , as drunk ; and some were fiddle fooling . But not in wrath ; for now the fray Began each spirit to allay , And those most hot were stept away for cooling . But some more wise than all the rest , Though thinking to have spoke in jest , Cry out , My friends , but where 's the feast so pleasant ? With that each doth his corner search ; One that above the rest was arch , Produces a most lovely Pearch and Pheasant . Another cryes , See here you Thief , Here 's that will give us all relief ; It was indeed a piece of Beef with Mustard . Still as they searcht , they something found , Enough to make fresh healths go round ; One finds be-batter'd on the ground a Custard . One finds a Fish all black as Sut , Another finds an Eel whose Gut Was trod to nought , and all the Butter vanisht . Well , now they left their humours mad , They all shook hands , and none were sad ; But drank and fed , as if they had been famisht . The Lady that began the fight , They hug'd , and kist , to do her right ; And she as pleased with delight , was bonny . What afterwards they to her did , When strangers that came in were slid , Since it is fit it should be hid , pray Con ye . Unto their Beds they all like friends , Promis'd there should be kind amends ; Each one unto his sleep had ends to shuffle . Thus Reader , you have heard the things That did befall ; for News hath wings : And so concludes the dreadful Kings-Bench Scuffle . THE Kings-Bench LITANY . FRom Creditors when cruel grown ; From those that cannot hold their own ; From little Souls that make their moan , Libera nos Domine . From Bayliffs , and their crafty scent ; From being in a Prison pent ; From staying till our Coyn is spent , Libera nos Domine . From running on the Cellars Score ; From calling , VVill you Trust us more ? From answers , You 're a Rogue or VVhore , Libera nos Domine . From those that Justice have forsook ; From any Cellar-worms rebuke ; From Dining often with the Duke , Libera nos Domine . From those that love to bounce , or thump ; From learning in the Hall to mump ; From paying Homage to the pump , Libera nos Domine . From Heathen Cooks that have no faith ; From Duns that move a Pris'ners wrath ; From him that payes , and nothing hath , Libera nos Domine . From guilt of any horrid fact ; From being Citizens that crackt ; From taking of the Ten-pound Act , Libera nos Domine . From fire ( God bless us ) in a Gun ; From Dungeons deep that see no Sun ; From those that from their Waiters run , Libera nos Domine . From being overcome by Drink ; From lodging near a Bog-house stink ; From having stomacks , and no Chink , Libera nos Domine . From asking food , and be deny'd ; From being unto Goals ally'd ; From being turn'd to th' Common side , Libera nos Domine . From turning Day all into Night ; From those in rudeness do delight ; From being sent to th' Lyon White , Libera nos Domine . From Forreign and Domestick Jars ; From being cheated unawares ; From peeping thorough Iron Bars , Libera nos Domine . From Pris'ners that can swear and lye ; From being buried ere we dye ; From those that will not hear our cry , Libera nos Domine . From living in a lowsie Jayle ; From wanting Drink , or mild , or stale ; From empty Butts that have no Ale , Libera nos Domine . From those that will afford no aid ; From mouldy Scraps in Basket laid ; From making Pegs , that humble Trade , Libera nos Domine . From Cellar-Clowns that treat us ill ; From their great pride , and little skill ; From fools that let them have their will , Libera nos Domine . From groaning with dejected heart ; From those which weekly feed our smart ; From wishing they may want a Cart , Libera nos Domine . From those that seem'd our friends before ; From friends that will be friends no more ; From slaves that do their Gold adore , Libera nos Domine . From Vermine vulgarly call'd Lice ; From those that do delight in Vice ; From Gamesters turn our Bones to Dice , Libera nos Domine . From breaking when we may but bend ; From being sureties for our friend ; From Bonds or Bills are sharp at end , Libera nos Domine . From those that are for Ruine bent ; From being Dun'd for Chamber-Rent ; From frowns and threats when Cash is spent , Libera nos Domine . From lying in the middle Ward ; From Chambers that are lockt and bar'd ; From calling , and cannot be heard , Libera nos Domine . From chirping in a Nest of Chips ; From wanting Beds to lodge our hips ; From those whose Staves begin with Tips , Libera nos Domine . From those that Harlots keep , or wed ; From wooden Blocks to rest our head ; From all , or any Kings-Bench Bed , Libera nos Domine . From ratling Chains that make a noise ; From swearing , cursing , ranting Boyes ; From Huffs , that are indeed but Toyes , Libera nos Domine . From sober Slaves , that fit and whine ; From all dull hearts that do repine ; From those that have not hearts like mine , Libera nos Domine . The Legend OF THE Thrice-Honourable , Ancient , and Renowned Prince , HIS GRACE HUMPHREY , Duke of St. Pauls Cathedral Walk , Surveyor of the Monuments and Tombs of Westminster and the Temple , Patron to the Perambulators in the Piazza's in Covent-Garden , Master of Kings-Bench Hall : And one of the Colledges Honourable Privy-Council . AMong those Tales that Story doth repeat , I find not one that doth of Hunger treat , That may compare to ours His Grace the DUKE : Hath daily giv'n to All a just Rebuke . His Glories we in ancient Stories read , How , and with whom his Grace was pleas'd to feed : Not with Ambassadors , who came to view Those Rarities they heard of , never knew ; Nor doth the DUKE his Invitations send To Princes , or to those that on them tend , But payes his kindness to an hungry maw ; His Charity 's his Reason , and his Law. Shall any Mortal then , that knows a Verse , Withdraw his Pen , his bounty to rehearse ? How many poor distressed Knights hath he Freely reliev'd in their Necessity ! How open is his Table unto all , To those that come without , or with a call ! Nay , which is more , his Genius so is bent , He 'd ne'r admit one Penny should be spent ! For to say truth , Hunger hath hundreds brought To Dine with him , and all not worth a Groat . Some with their Beads unto a Pillar crowd ; Some mutter forth , some say their Graces loud ; Some on Devotion came to feed their Muse ; Some came to sleep , or walk , or talk of News . For though they came to Dine , they loathed Meat ; For many had almost forgot to eat . My self oft-times did at his Table sit , When neither I , nor others eat one bit . But come they did , or else they 'd been to blame ; To pay their Duty to the DUKE , they came : And of their visits , since they came in love , His Grace did daily thankfully approve . Some came with jingling Spurs instead of Chink , For that was melted on their Mornings drink ; And drink they must ; I never yet knew one Could quench his thirst , with reading Doctor Donne : Nor is it easie for a common eye To draw the substance of an Elegy ; Nay some , though old , could sooner eat a staff , Than suck the marrow of an Epitaph . Some came with Rags scarce hid their Bodies o're ; Some with foul Cuffs , wash't but three months before ; Some as dull Lovers , in a silent mood , Walk't as if melancholy was their food . The Learned call them Amorists , a name As none more frequent in the Book of Fame . Those Heroes that in upper Regions move , Grew proud below , 'cause they could live to love ; And with aspiring thoughts , still soaring high , They liv'd , and lov'd , and loving , liv'd , to dye . These Amorists of whom we now do talk , Took great delight to trace our private Walk : With folded Arms , and Hat below his brow , He seems to count his gentle steps , or how Much full of misery he now is in , Wishing he ne're had lov'd , or ne're had been ; Anon bethinks himself he did amiss , Behold this place Diana's Temple is : All Profanation straight way hence must flee , Or that great Goddess won't propitious be ; Then to a corner , with a silent Air , Addresses he to Venus makes in prayer . There leave we him studying a fresh Caress , Whilst we press on into the crowd of Guess ; And such a Crowd was never seen before , To visit Dukes , or to approach their dore . Some came with Shooes , that fear'd to touch the ground ; Some with half-hose , to shew their shins were sound ; Some decay'd Scholars , with their loyns begirt ; Some with half-sleeves ( poor Souls ) but ne're a shirt ; Some so attended in their wretched state , Thousands ' did hourly round about them wait ; That men might see , although but single-ey'd , Like persons great they were well fortify'd . And well observ'd it was , by men of skill , Their Births were high , on Mountain , or on Hill. Some even ere their Dinner had an end , Would boldly dare to kill their bosome-friend : And in that act , this was their usual cry , So let Blood-suckers , and Back-biters dye . Some came with Cloaks , though thredbare as their Lawn ; Some came without ; for why ? they were at pawn ; Some though they knew their Pockets had no stock , Could talk , look big , and make their Beavers cock . And well they might , for as in Bed they lay , The Rats had almost eat the brims away ; For they were so well oy'ld with store of fat , For Roast-meat they might pass with Mouse or Rat. Yet though the brims were swallow'd by the swarm , They left the Crowns to keep their Noddles warm ; As if the Vermine modestly should say , We know your births , though fallen to decay : And did demonstrate by their knowing Art , Of Hats , for warmth , Crowns was the chiefest part . Some Pedagogues to set their Learning forth , Discourse in Latin , of his Graces worth ; They that could understand that tongue might speak , But all abhorr'd the hideous noise of Greek . Perhaps among the Crowd a Sword was seen , But rusty grown , in Holland it had been : And he that wore it , walk't with such a grace , As who should say , My steps shall speak my race . A waggish Boy not yet discreetly grown , To understand the Virtues of the Town , Walk't by , but kept at distance , as afear'd , Still looking back , and as he look't , he snear'd . Captain , quoth he : The Captain turns about ; Whoop Captain , quoth the Boy , and so runs out . The Captain he pursues , as mov'd in wrath , Makes strong attempts to draw his Weapon forth ▪ But all in vain ; at which the Captain curs't , Whilst standers by , with laughing almost burst . For as it afterwards appear'd , his Blade Had cut its way through Europe since 't was made ; And 'cause for many years it did not peep , The Captain will'd it might in Scabbard sleep . Nor was the Captains courage then adust , For it so deeply was beg●awn with rust , That it defy'd the rules of Martial Law , And dar'd the Captain , if he durst , to draw . The angry Captain cryes , I could be mad , Thus to be ty'd to what I never had . Just then a zealous Student passing by , Looking as kick't from th' University , He gave his grave advice , with whites so ey'd , As Nonconformist much Presbytrify'd . The Captain by his frowns appear'd as vex't , Which put the Parson quite beside his Text. The Guests being met , and all prepar'd to eat , What next should come , but what they want , their meat ? Much bussling then appear'd , a general strife There was , contending where to whet a Knife . The Parson holding forth , said , 'T was forbid In Holy Writ , his Talent should be hid . Quoth he , We meet in Clusters here to Dine , But fasting helps a man to be Divine . When pious Cogitations do decay , 'T is high time then to fast ( not feast ) and pray . In former Ages since the World began , He that could fast , was held an holy man : But he that doth delight to feast , when in , He gluts himself with meat , and drink , and sin . The poor man fasts , because he has no meat ; The sick man fasts , because he cannot eat ; The Usurer fasteth , to encrease his store ; The Glutton fasts , 'cause he can eat no more ; The Tradesman fasts , his Landlord to enrich ; The Gallant fasts , to cure venereal Itch ; The Lawyer fasts , to gain his Clients cause ; Divines do fast to study for Applause ; Physitians fast , because 't is for their health ; The Beggar fasts , but when he eats by stealth ; The Hypocrites do fast , to be commended ; The Saints do fast , because they have offended . And Brethren , since we know we all are sinners , Now we 're here met , let Fasting be our Dinners . The hungry Captain listned ▪ then cry'd , Sup‑ Pose we all now should eat the Parson up ; He prates of Fasting ; by my Coat of Buff , I de eat , for I have fasted long enough . Let those of this your Doctrine have a taste , That daily feast , while we are forc't to fast ; And fast we do , till like poor half-starv'd Elves , We ready are almost to eat our selves . Long may the Parson on the Subject treat Of fasting , but however give us meat . Each shrugs his shoulder , walks from place to place , Nor could they scarce forbear to blame his Grace : But some whose judgments deeper far could look , Would only stamp , and frown , and curse the Cook ; And justly too : for when they all did think To be well-cram'd with store of meat and drink , The gen'rous DUKE appear'd , and speaking fair , Quoth he , My Friends , fall to , a Dish of Air Is all that now our Kitchin can afford ; When next you please to see us , and our Board , Ye shall have Carps , Crabs , Pouts , and store of Rail , Varieties of Fish , at least a Tail. Expect no Sawce , we 'll promise no such thing , Because we know ye all do Stomacks bring . Much discontent sate on each others brow , Their food was thin ; however none knew how To shew their ill resentments , but as men Well-pacifi'd , agreed to come agen . But ere that happy day was fully grown , A dreadful Fire consumes the Kitchin down : Which Fire began not in his Graces house , But thither came , and Burnt both Rat and Mouse . On which the DUKE , to shun a scorching doom , Perambulated to Ben Iohnson's Tomb , Where Shakespear , Spencer , Cambden , and the rest , Once rising Suns , are now set in the West ; But still their lustres do so brightly shine , That they invite our Worthies there to Dine , Where their moist Marbles seem for grief to weep , That they , but stone , should Sacred Reliques keep : And some have fancied that they 've heard them sing , Within this place is Aganippe ' s Spring . There our ingenious Train have thought it fit To change their Dyet , and to Dine on Wit. First with a free consent they all combine To pay their visits unto Cataline , By whom a Damsel , styl'd the Silent Woman , Stands in her rich Attire , the like by no man Was ever yet beheld ; and 't is her due To stand near him , b'ing fair , and silent too : For if some Ladies stood but in her stead , Their Clappers would go nigh to wake the dead . Hard by this famous Dame , with well-grown Locks , Behold an ancient well-experienc't Fox , Plac't as a grave adviser , who with care Cryes out , O rare Ben Johnson lieth there . Next day his Grace , and all his Guests so trim , Do Shakespear find , and then they feast on him . For two such Dishes at one single meal , Would like two Thieves into the Senses steal ; And such a Surfeit cause , that by their pain , They'd judg't unsafe to feed on Wit again . Our DUKE by this time spies a Fairy Queen , And as a man surpriz'd with Fits o' th' Spleen , Such strange infusions did his passions move , That he must live to dote , or dye in love . Her to behold , is to be blind , or frantick ; To speak her Fame , would seem as if Romantick . Her eyes shoot Darts , which at the heart you 'd feel , Who like Achilles Lance , both hurt and heal . By which the world may judge his Grace had skill In beauties , finding out those eyes that kill . The great Apelles was for Painting rare , Yet never drew a beauty half so fair . Art may contrive a curious Golden Fleece , But this Fair Queen is Natures Master-piece . If beauties may be made with painting ore , What may Art make of what was fair before ? Have you not in the morning first of May , Observ'd the Countrey-Lasses fresh and gay ; Or a fair Shepherdess with Garlands crown'd , With other Nymphs to dance the Maypole round ? As Phillis , Amarillis bright , and Chloris , Excelling beauties ; and there many more is : Or have you heard of the Arcadian Dame , The fair Parthenia , whose immortal Fame 'Bove all that we have nam'd , may bear the sway ? But this our Queen is Lady of the May. To gain acquaintance with this Lady bright , He thinks it meet some Doxies to invite . Next day came tripping in a light-heel'd Girl , Adorn'd with Ribbons , Paints , and Bastard-pearl . We need not speak of either feet or legs , Her face seem'd 'nointed with the yolk of Eggs. Slily into the Company she slid , A colour having got for what she did . Some blam'd her , saying , Sinners us'd to paint ; Others reply , But she 's a seeming Saint . Nor was there want of Pocket-pickers there , Nor Lifters of the careful Tradesmans Ware. Old Chaucer , who though sickly , full of ails , From hence collects a Book as full of Tales . His Neighbour Drayton , who was his Amoris , Studying to write Encomiums on Authoris . The Learned Cambden's Gravity appear'd , At which they starting , seem'd as if they fear'd . One that was grown more crafty than the rest . Beclouds their fear with this invented Jest ; Hither we come , and in the end perhaps Our entertainment shall be nought but scraps : Then let us take a taste of these Remains , And so depart ; the DUKE a slighting feigns . Mean time his Grace , whose passion still grew high With pangs of pensiveness , was standing by ; Musing , not minding either Guests , or Meat , His busie-brain allow'd no time to eat : With starv'ling Body , and with ghastly look , He seem'd more like a Devil , than a DUKE . His Eyes grew gogled , Cheeks were pale and wan ; Sometimes he sighs , anon doth curse and ban . Presently afterwards is heard to cry , Oh that I had not lovd , or now could dye ! Finding no answer to each kind address , And that she would not love for love express ; He with himself resolves when stronger grown , To move from thence with thoughts to see the Town . Then to the Gatehouse went , as nearest to him , Where he no sooner came , but divers knew him . A Flock of Wretches do his Grace environ , All lin'd with Vermine , some with Chains of Iron . After some mutual Complements were past , His Grace to Covent-garden maketh haste ; For some there were that for his Grace had staid , And till he came , at Post and Pillar plaid : And that I briefly may their worth express , These the gentilest were of all his Guests ; Only a faculty they had to curse , To Raut , and Huff , like Gyants ; Nay , what 's worse , They'd Ramble all the Night , and Windows break , Then in a Crowd to the Piazza's sneak . Some Whore away their Coyn , and then with grief They humbly come , and beg the DUKES relief ; And swear God-dam-'em they his Grace will serve , And for his sake they 'll even dare to starve . The DUKE return'd his thanks you well may think , But would however stay with none to drink . Then to the Temple , Lincolns-Inne , and Grayes , He walks , but yet at none of either stayes : For his resolves were now for Newgate bent , Where some of his acquaintance fast were pent . First to the Master-side without delay , His Grave thought fit he should his Visit pay ; Having with busie eye the Rooms survey'd , He call'd the Nurse , one that was once a Maid : And having shewn her where the Cobwebs hung , He chid her , and in wrath away he flung ; Shook hands with some whom he of old had knew , And only cry'd , We 're glad you 're well , adieu . Some that ne'r knew him , might perhaps suppose Him noble by his Title , and his Cloaths ; Both were grown ancient , and could justly vye With any Dukedom for Antiquity . But those that did expect they should behold Some gallant Complements in yellow gold , Were much mistaken ; for the DUKE ne'r went To visit any one with such intent : For he ne'r lov'd to suffer Cash so near him , For which some Wags behind his back would jeer him . Now to the Felons Jayle he bends his march , Where being come , one that was chiefly arch Accosted him in complemental strain ; Whereat the DUKE forthwith vouchsaf't to deign An answer ; what it was I've quite forgot , But as I guess , 't was either sense , or not . For divers Friends he ask't , but heard no more , But only they were Hang'd a while before : But one whose skill was far above the rest , Approach't the DUKE , and thus himself exprest . Great DUKE , although your ancient Guests are fled . From hence , their Craft doth live when they are dead : For know , this Lesson one hath left behind , Hear it , and judge , as you the truth shall find . Cheats are the maintenance of small and great ; A Prison , like the World , is but a Cheat ; The Merchant-man the Cheat by Whole-sale playes ; The Shop-man cheats in ev'ry word he sayes ; The Victualler cheats in Reck'nings , and in Froth ; The Clothier , and the Draper , cheat in Cloth ; And when they do so , boldly will retort ; The Taylor cheats , and pleads a Custom for t : If a young Heir shall run upon his score , When once he payes , he payes the worth twice ore . The Stationer cheats both Lawyers and Divines ; The Vintner cheats with brewing of his Wines ; The Husbandman , and he a man would think Hath scarcely Brains enough to covet Chink , He sells his Corn , and if the mould it lack , He knows to cheat by virtue of his Sack. The Handicraftsman , true , he taketh pains , But he will cheat , rather than miss his gains ; The Priest will preach one Sermon oft-times ore ▪ The Lawyer cheats as fast as all before ; Physitians too , the cheating Art have found In false Applies : and so the Cheat goes round . In short , the Countrey doth the City cheat , 'T would be too tedious to describe the feat ; The City too as briskly cheats the Court ; Thus all are Cheats , oh here 's brave cheating sport ! Cheat thou for me , cryes one , I 'll cheat for thee ; Thus do the Cheaters lovingly agree : The only way for any to be great , Or get preferment , is to be a Cheat. The honest man that loves not worldly pelf , Rather than break the number , cheats himself . The Iaylors cheat , by taking unjust Fees ; The Pris'ner too , he cheats as fast as these ; The Creditor , whose malice is grown great , Seizes on all , and doth the Pris'ner cheat ; Oh desp'rate Fates , what hazards do we run , We must be naught , or , to be just , undone ! The DUKE with silence heard , and patient stood , Then took his leave , to visit old King Lud ; Who having seen , he unto Bridewel goes , Then to the Counters , where are some that knows What splendid Table 't was his Grace did keep ; For they went thither not to eat , but sleep . The Fleet he likewise call'd upon , but there Were few that knew the DUKE , each one did stare Upon his Grace , and Censures past aloud ; For they indeed are generally proud , And so abound with Friends , and store of Coyn , They 'll choose to purchase , rather than purloyn , Or with an empty Pocket to intrude Into the number of a multitude . For they like Fishers with a silver hook , Caught food enough to entertain the DUKE . From hence his Grace to Southwark bends his course , And to the Marshalsey with eager force He hastes , and enters ; whence I do divine , There 's many with the DUKE were wont to Dine . Complements flew like Hail-stones round about , As if the DUKE when in , would ne're get out : Forty and odd a Circle round him lay , That to get loose , 't was hard to find the way . Besides , I 've read it in some Book or Song , That each of these were Twenty-thousand strong ; And I that on his Grace did daily watch , Observ'd the DUKE did in his bosom scratch , Sometimes in 's Codpiece ; but I must forbear To be too busie with his private Ware. But I can this with modesty assure , To scratch , or itch , the DUKE could ne're indure ; And whether in that Crowd he Vermin got , Or Crab-lice had before , I know it not : Much honour for the DUKE they joyntly own , Talk freely with him , as if wealthy grown . However , though they are with plenty fill'd , Alms-houses they have all forsworn to build . The DUKE his grave Advice bestows on all , Bids them be merry , though they are in thrall ; For he himself by his experience finds , Despair's the issue of ignoble minds . Thus having said , with eyes about him cast , Quoth he , Well Sirs , old Friends must part at last ; And Madam Wiat at the Kings-Bench stayes Until I come : besides , I 've divers wayes How to expend my time , and pass my hours ; Wherefore adieu , I was , and still am yours . Thus having spoke , the DUKE with nimble wings Takes flight from thence , unto the Bench of Kings : Where having greaz'd the Key , found way to come Into his Parlour , call'd the Mumpers Room , Where he inquiry made how things did stand ; And as it hapned , there was one at hand Was so indu'd with Art , with Skill , and Worth , To satisfie the DUKE in setting forth Th' affairs of all the House , and C's the man , Who having made obeysance , thus began : These Iron Bars a Lecture preach to me , That there 's no Iewel like true Liberty ; For here to be confin'd in such a Cage , Brings blooming Youth to an untimely Age. Behold those high-flown Gallants , who of late Came hither , and their Creditors and Fate Did both defie , how now they droop and sink , Having in Bub and Smoke consum'd their Chink . Ungrateful slaves , that did profess us love , Now we are in the Grates like Mountains move . Those that from Cellar unto Cellar jump , Must at the last do homage to the Pump ; That Christian Pump , that seems to sigh and moan , As being conscious of a Pris'ners groan . The Cook-room which so oft they did frequent , They must but smell to , when their money 's spent . Their Cittadels now on the Master-side ▪ Wherein they are with Thousands fortify'd , They must retreat from , quickly as the Summons ( Having no money ) calls them to the Commons , Where they must beat their brains , & cramp their legs , In the low livelihood of making Pegs ; Where I leave all those wretched Souls to be Slaves , till Death payes their Debts , and sets them free . The DUKE with grave attention lent his Ear , Seeming to grieve for what he then did hear ; Told all about him , That whilst he was able , He 'd make them daily welcome to his Table . What did more over-pass , I don't well know , For I got loose , and they cry'd , Let him go : But any person that hath time to spare , And fain would see the DUKE , may find him there : Where that they might the Great DUKES mirth prolong , They entertain him with — The PRISONERS Song . COme , let us rejoyce , and our Creditors whine ; That Pris'ner's faint-hearted that once doth repine , Whil'st Ale 's in the House , or there 's Juyce in the Vine . Then let 's not despair for a foregoing Fact Of running in Debt , for we 'll pay by the Act. Though Fools may imagine our griefs are emergent , A fart for our Foes , and the Pox take a Serjeant . Call to the Tapster for bushels of Liquor , He 's a dull Rascal for coming no quicker ; Not sorrow , but drought 't is , that makes us the sicker : And when we have drank up the mass of his main , We 'll stay for recruits , and then drink on again : Though Fools may imagine , &c. Is any one Member among us opprest ? Then make his heart float like a Cork in his breast : Here 's no fear of Bayliffs , nor of their Arrest ; Such Vermin that formerly us'd to torment us , Had rather be hanged , than now to frequent us . Though Fools may imagine our griefs are emergent , A fart for our Foes , and the Pox take a Serjeant . Several Books Printed for Samuel Speed , and sold by the Booksellers of London and Westminster . FOLIO . PHaramond , the fam'd Romance , written by the Author of those other two eminent Volumes , Cassandra , and Cleopatra . The Precedency of Kings . By Iames Howell Esq Actions of the Case for Deeds . By William Sheppard Esq Memoires on the Lives , Actions , Sufferings , and Deaths of those Noble , Reverend , and Excellent Personages , that suffered by Death , Sequestration , Decimation , or otherwise , for the Protestant Religion , and the great Principle thereof , Allegiance to their Sovereign , in our late intestine Wars . By Da : Lloyd A. M. Systema Agriculturae : Or , The whole Mystery of Husbandry , made known by I. W. Gent. QUARTO . Palmerin of England , in Three Parts . Primaleon of Greece , in Three Parts . The Jewel-house of Art and Nature . By Sir Hugh Plat. The Womans Lawyer . By Sir Iohn Doderige . Divine Law : Or , The Patrons purchaser . By Alexander Huck-ston . The Complete Parson ▪ By Sir Iohn Doderidge . Star-Chamber Cases . The description of Tangier , with an account of the Life of Gayland , the Usurper of the Kingdom of Fez. The Golden Coast : Or , A description of Guinny . The Complete Copy-holder . By the Lord Cook. Fragmenta Carceris : Or , The Kings-Bench Scuffle , The Humours of the Common-side , the Kings-Bench Litany , and the Legend of Duke Humphrey . OCTAVO . Quintus Curtius his Life of Alexander the Great , Translated into English. Observations on the Statesmen and Favourites of England since the Reformation , their Rise , and Growth , Prudences , and Policies , Miscarriages , and Falls , during the Reigns of King Henry VIII , King Edward VI , Queen Mary , Queen Elizabeth , King Iames , and King Charles I. By David Lloyd A. M. An Abridgement of the Reports of Sir George Crook's Three Volumes . An Abridgment of the Reports of Sir Francis Moore . The Roman History of Lucius Florus Englished . The City and Countrey-Purchaser and Builder , with directions for Purchasing , Building , and Improving of Lands and Houses in any part of England . By Stephen Primate Gent. A brief Chronicle of the late intestine War , in the Three Kingdoms of England , Scotland , and Ireland , from the year 1637 , to the year 1663. By Iames Heath Gent. Ovidius Exulans : Or , Ovid Travestie , in Burlesque Verse . TWELVES . Arithmetical Recreations . By W. Leybourn . Machiavels Discourses , and Prince . FINIS .