act . scene . enter horner , and quack following him at a distance . hor. a quack is as fit for a pimp , as a midwife for a bawd ; they are still but in their way , both helpers of nature . — [ aside . ] — well , my dear doctor , hast thou done what i desired .
qu. i have undone you for ever with the women , and reported you throughout the whole town as bad as an eunuch , with as much trouble as if i had made you one in earnest .
hor. but have you told all the midwives you know , the orange wenches at the playhouses , the city husbands , and old fumbling keepers of this end of the town , for they 'l be the readiest to report it .
qu. i have told all the chamber-maids , waiting women , tyre women , and old women of my acquaintance ; nay , and whisper'd it as a secret to 'em , and to the whisperers of whitehal ; so that you need not doubt 't will spread , and you will be as odious to the handsome young women , as —
hor. as the small pox. — well —
qu. and to the married women of this end of the town , as —
hor. as the great ones ; nay , as their own husbands .
qu. and to the city dames as annis-seed robin of filthy and contemptible memory ; and they will frighten their children with your name , especially their females .
hor. and cry
qu. your late journey into france has made it the more credible , and your being here a fortnight before you appear'd in publick , looks as if you apprehended the shame , which i wonder you do not : well i have been hired by young gallants to bely'em t'other way ; but you are the first wou'd be thought a man unfit for women .
hor. dear mr. doctor , let vain rogues be contented only to be thought abler men than they are , generally 't is all the pleasure they have , but mine lyes another way .
qu. you take , methinks , a very preposterous way to it , and as ridiculous as if we operators in physick , shou'd put forth bills to disparage our medicaments , with hopes to gain customers .
hor. doctor , there are quacks in love , as well as physick , who get but the fewer and worse patients , for their boasting ; a good name is seldom got by giving it ones self , and women no more than honour are compass'd by bragging : come , come doctor , the wisest lawyer never discovers the merits of his cause till the tryal ; the wealthiest man conceals his riches , and the cunning gamster his play ; shy husbands and keepers like old rooks are not to be cheated , but by a new unpractis'd trick ; false friendship will pass now no more than false dice upon 'em , no , not in the city .
enter boy . boy . there are two ladies and a gentleman coming up .
hor. a pox , some unbelieving sisters of my former acquaintance , who i am afraid , expect their sense shou'd be satisfy'd of the falsity of the report .
no — this formal fool and women !
enter sir jasp. fidget , lady fidget , and mrs. dainty fidget . qu. his wife and sister .
sr. jas. my coach breaking just now before your door sir , i look upon as an occasional repremand to me sir , for not kissing your hands sir , since your coming out of france sir ; and so my disaster sir , has been my good fortune sir ; and this is my wife , and sister sir.
hor. what then , sir ?
sr. jas. my lady , and sister , sir. — wife , this is master horner .
la. fid. master horner , husband !
sr. jas. my lady , my lady fidget , sir.
hor. so , sir.
sr. jas. won't you be acquainted with her sir ? [ so the report is true , i find by his coldness or aversion to the sex ; but i 'll play the wag with him . ]
[ aside . ] pray salute my wife , my lady , sir.
hor. i will kiss no mans wife , sir , for him , sir ; i have taken my eternal leave , sir , of the sex already , sir.
sr. jas. hah , hah , hah ; i 'll plague him yet .
[ aside . ] not know my wife , sir ?
hor. i do know your wife , sir , she 's a woman , sir , and consequently a monster , sir , a greater monster than a husband , sir.
sr. jas. a husband ; how , sir ?
hor. so , sir ; but i make no more cuckholds , sir.
[ makes horns . sr. jas. hah , hah , hah , mercury , mercury .
la. fid. pray , sir jaspar , let us be gone from this rude fellow .
mrs. daint . who , by his breeding , wou'd think , he had ever been in france ?
la. fid. foh , he 's but too much a french fellow , such as hate women of quality and virtue , for their love to their husban● , sr. jaspar ; a woman is hated by 'em as much for loving her husband , as for loving their money : but pray , let 's be gone .
hor. you do well , madam , for i have nothing that you came for : i have brought over not so much as a bawdy picture , new postures , nor the second part of the escole de filles ; nor —
qu. hold for shame , sir ; what dy mean ? you 'l ruine your self for ever with the sex —
[ apart to horner . sr. jas. hah , hah , hah , he hates women perfectly i find .
dain . what pitty 't is he shou'd .
l. fid. ay , he 's a base rude fellow for 't ; but affectation makes not a woman more odious to them , than virtue .
hor. because your virtue is your greatest affectation , madam .
lad. fid. how , you sawcy fellow , wou'd you wrong my honour ?
hor. if i cou'd .
lad. fid. how d'y mean , sir ?
sr. jas. hah , hah , hah , no he can't wrong your lady ships honour , upon my honour ; he poor man — hark you in your eat — a meer eunuch .
lad. o filthy french beast , foh , foh ; why do we stay ? let 's be gone ; i can't endure the sight of him .
sr. jas. stay , but till the chairs come , they 'l be here presently .
lad. no , no.
sr. jas. nor can i stay longer ; 't is — let me see , a quarter and a half quarter of a minute past eleven ; the council will be sate , i must away : business must be preferr'd always before love and ceremony with the wise mr. horner .
hor. and the impotent sir jaspar .
sr. jas. ay , ay , the impotent master horner , hah , ha , ha .
lad. what leave us with a filthy man alone in his lodgings ?
sr. jas. he 's an innocent man now , you know ; pray stay , i 'll hasten the chaires to you . — mr. horner your servant , shou'd be glad to see you at my house ; pray , come and dine with me , and play at cards with my wife after dinner , you are sit for women at that game ; yet hah , ha — [ 't is as much a husbands prudence to provide innocent diversion for a wife , as to hinder her unlawful pleasures ; and he had better employ her , than let her employ her self .
[ aside . farewel .
[ exit sir jaspar hor. your servant sr. jaspar .
lad. i will not stay with him , foh —
hor. nay , madam , i beseech you stay , if it be but to see , i can be as civil to ladies yet , as they wou'd desire .
lad. no , no , foh , you cannot be civil to ladies .
dain . you as civil as ladies wou'd desire .
lad. no , no , no , foh , foh , foh .
[ exeunt ladie fid. and dainty . qu. now i think , i , or you your self rather , have done your business with the women .
hor. thou art an ass , don't you see already upon the report and my carriage , this grave man of business leaves his wife in my lodgings , invites me to his house and wife , who before wou'd not be acquainted with me out of jealousy .
qu. nay , by this means you may be the more acquainted with the husbands , but the less with the wives .
hor. let me alone , if i can but abuse the husbands , i 'll soon disabuse the wives : stay — i 'll reckon you up the advantages , i am like to have by my stratagem : first , i shal i be rid of all my old acquaintances , the most insatiable sorts of duns , that invade our lodgings in a morning : and next , to the pleasure of making a new mistriss , is that of being rid ofan old one , and of all old debts ; love when it comes to be so , is paid the most unwillingly .
qu. well , you may be so rid of your old acquaintances ; but how will you get any new ones ?
hor. doctor , thou wilt never make a good chymist , thou art so incredulous and impatient ; ask but all the young fellows of the town , if they do not loose more time like huntsmen , in starting the game , than in running it down ; one knows not where to find 'em . who will , or will not ; women of quality are so civil , you can hardly distinguish love from good breeding , and a man is often mistaken ; but now i can be sure , she that shews an aversion to me loves the sport , as those women that are gone , whom i warrant to be right : and then the next thing , is your women of honour , as you call 'em , are only chary of their reputations , not their persons , and 't is scandal they wou'd avoid , not men : now may i have , by the reputation of an eunuch , the priviledges of one ; and be seen in a ladies chamber , in a morning as early as her husband ; kiss virgins before their parents , or lovers ; and may be in short the pas par tout of the town . now doctor .
qu. nay , now you shall be the doctor ; and your process is so new , that we do not know but it may succeed .
hor. not so new neither , probatum est doctor .
qu. well , i wish you luck and many patients whil'st i go to mine .
[ exit quack . enter harcourt , and dorilant to horner . har. come , your appearance at the play yesterday , has i hope hardned you for the future against the womens contempt , and the mens raillery ; and now you 'l abroad as you were wont .
hor. did i not bear it bravely ?
dor. with a most theatrical impudence ; nay more than the orange-wenches shew there , or a drunken vizard mask , or a great belly'd actress ; nay , or the most impudent of creatures , an ill poet ; or what is yet more impudent , a second-hand critick .
hor. but what say the ladies , have they no pitty ?
har. what ladies ? the vizard masques you know never pitty a man when all 's gone , though in their service .
dor. and for the women in the boxes , you 'd never pitty them , when 't was in your power .
har. they say 't is pitty , but all that deal with common women shou'd be serv'd so .
dor. nay , i dare swear , they won't admit you to play at cards with them , go to plays with 'em , or do the little duties which other shadows of men , are wont to do for 'em .
hor. who do you call shadows of men ?
dor. half men.
hor. what boyes ?
dor. ay your old boyes , old beaux garcons , who like superannuated stallions are suffer'd to run , feed , and whinney with the mares as long as they live , though they can do nothing else .
hor. well a pox on love and wenching , women serve but to keep a man from better company ; though i can't enjoy them , i shall you the more : good fellowship and friendship , are lasting , rational and manly pleasures .
har. for all that give me some of those pleasures , you call effeminate too , they help to relish one another .
hor. they disturb one another .
har. no , mistresses are like books ; if you pore upon them too much , they doze you , and make you unfit for company ; but if us'd discreetly , you are the fitter for conversation by 'em .
dor. a mistress shou'd be like a little country retreat near the town , not to dwell in constantly , but only for a night and away ; to tast the town the better when a man returns .
hor. i tell you , 't is as hard to be a good fellow , a good friend , and a lover of women , as 't is to be a good fellow , a good friend , and a lover of money : you cannot follow both , then choose your side ; wine gives you liberty , love takes it away .
dor. gad , he 's in the right on 't .
hor. wine gives you joy , love grief and tortures ; besides the chirurgeon's wine makes us witty , love only sots : wine makes us sleep , love breaks it .
dor. by the world he has reason , harcourt .
hor. wine makes —
dor. ay , wine makes us — makes us princes , love makes us beggars , poor rogues , y gad — and wine —
hor. so , there 's one converted . — no , no , love and wine , oil and vinegar .
har. i grant it ; love will still be uppermost .
hor. come , for my part i will have only those glorious , manly pleasures of being very drunk , and very slovenly .
enter boy . boy . mr. sparkish is below , sir.
har. what , my dear friend ! a rogue that is fond of me , only i think for abusing him .
dor. no , he can no more think the men laugh at him , than that women jilt him , his opinion of himself is so good .
hor. well , there 's another pleasure by drinking , i thought not of ; i shall loose his acquaintance , because he cannot drink ; and you know 't is a very hard thing to be rid of him , for he 's one of those nauseous offerers at wit , who like the worst fidlers run themselves into all companies .
har. one , that by being in the company of men of sense wou'd pass for one .
hor. and may so to the short-sighed world , as a false jewel amongst true ones , is not discern'd at a distance ; his company is as troublesome to us , as a cuckolds , when you have a mind to his wife 's .
har. no , the rogue will not let us enjoy one another , but ravishes our conversation , though he signifies no more to 't , than sir martin mar-all's gaping , and auker'd thrumming upon the lute , does to his man's voice , and musick .
dor. and to pass for a wit in town , shewes himself a fool every night to us , that are guilty of the plot .
hor. such wits as he , are , to a company of reasonable men , like rooks to the gamesters , who only fill a room at the table , but are so far from contributing to the play , that they only serve to spoil the fancy of those that do .
dor. nay , they are us'd like rooks too , snub'd , check'd , and abus'd ; yet the rogues will hang on .
hor. a pox on 'em , and all that force nature , and wou'd be still what she forbids'em ; affectation is her greatest monster .
har. most men are the contraries to that they wou'd seem ; your bully you see , is a coward with a long sword ; the little humbly fawning physician with his ebony cane , is he that destroys men.
dor. the usurer , a poor rogue , possess'd of moldy bonds , and mortgages ; and we they call spend-thrifts , are only wealthy , who lay out his money upon daily new purchases of pleasure .
hor. ay , your errantest cheat , is your trustee , or executor ; your jealous man , the greatest cuckhold ; your church-man , the greatest atheist ; and your noisy pert rogue of a wit , the greatest fop , dullest ass , and worst company as you shall see : for here he comes .
enter sparkish to them . spar. how is 't , sparks , how is 't ? well faith , harry , i must railly thee a little , ha , ha , ha , upon the report in town of thee , ha , ha , ha , i can't hold y faith ; shall i speak ?
hor. yes , but you 'l be so bitter then .
spar. honest dick and franck here shall answer for me , i will not be extream bitter by the univers .
har. we will be bound in ten thousand pound bond , he shall not be bitter at all .
dor. nor sharp , nor sweet .
hor. what , not down right insipid ?
spar. nay then , since you are so brisk , and provoke me , take what follows ; you must know , i was discoursing and raillying with some ladies yesterday , and they hapned to talk of the fine new signes in town .
hor. very fine ladies i believe .
spar. said i , i know where the best new sign is . where , says one of the ladies ? in covent-garden , i reply'd . said another , in what street ? in russel-street , answer'd i. lord says another , i 'm sure there was ne're a fine new sign there yesterday . yes , but there was , said i again , and it came out of france , and has been there a fortnight .
dor. a pox i can hear no more , prethee .
hor. no hear him out ; let him tune his crowd a while .
har. the worst musick the greatest preparation .
spar. nay faith , i 'll make you laugh . it cannot be , says a third lady . yes , yes , quoth i again . says a fourth lady ,
hor. look to 't , we 'l have no more ladies .
spar. no. — then mark , mark , now , said i to the fourth , did you never see mr. horner ; he lodges in russel-street , and he 's a sign of a man , you know , since he came out of france , heh , hah , he .
hor. but the divel take me , is thine be the sign of a jest .
spar. with that they all fell a laughing , till they bepiss'd themselves ; what , but it do's not move you , methinks ? well see one had as good go to law without a witness , as break a jest without a laugher on ones side . — come , come sparks , but where do we dine , i have left at whitehal an earl to dine with you .
dor. why , i thought thou hadst lov'd a man with a title better , than a suit with a french trimming to 't .
har. go , to him again .
spar. no , sir , a wit to me is the greatest title in the world.
hor. but go dine with your earl , sir , he may be exceptious ; we are your friends , and will not take it ill to be left , i do assure you .
har. nay , faith he shall go to him .
spar. nay , pray gentlemen .
dor. we 'l thrust you out , if you wo'not , what disappoint any body for us .
spar. nay , dear gentlemen hear me .
hor. no , no , sir , by no means ; pray go sir.
spar. why , dear rogues .
[ they all thrust him out of the room . dor. no , no.
all. ha , ha , ha .
[ spar. returns . spar. but , sparks , pray hear me ; what d' ye think i 'll eat then with gay shallow fops , and silent coxcombs ? i think wit as necessary at dinner as a glass of good wine , and that 's the reason i never have any stomach when i eat alone . — come , but where do we dine ?
hor. ev'n where you will.
spar. at chateline's .
dor. yes , if you will.
spar. or at the cock.
dor. yes , if you please .
spar. or at the dog and partridg .
hor. ay , if you have mind to 't , for we shall dine at neither .
spar. pshaw , with your fooling we shall loose the new play ; and i wou'd no more miss seing a new play the first day , than i wou'd miss setting in the wits row ; therefore i 'll go fetch my mistriss and away .
[ exit sparkish . [ manent horner , harcourt , dorilant ; enter to them mr. pinchwife . hor. who have we here , pinchwife ?
mr. pinc. gentlemen , your humble servant .
hor. well , jack , by thy long absence from the town , the grumness of thy countenance , and the slovenlyness of thy habit ; i shou'd give thee joy , shoud ' i not , of marriage ?
mr. pin. [ death does he know i 'm married too ? i thought to have conceal'd it from him at least . ]
[ aside . my long stay in the country will excuse my dress , and i have a suit of law ; that brings me up to town , that puts me out of humour ; besides i must give sparkish to morrow five thousand pound to lye with my sister .
hor. nay , you country gentlemen rather than not purchase , will buy any thing , and he is a crackt title , if we may quibble : well , but am i to give thee joy , i heard thou wert marry'd .
mr. pin. what then ?
hor. why , the next thing that is to be heard , is thou' rt a cuckold .
mr. pin. insupportable name .
[ aside . hor. but i did not expect marriage from such a whoremaster as you , one that knew the town so much , and women so well .
mr. pin. why , i have marry'd no london wife .
hor. pshaw , that 's all one , that grave circumspection in marrying a country wife , is like refusing a deceitful pamper'd smithfield jade , to go and be cheated by a friend in the country .
mr. pin. a pox on him and his simile .
[ aside . at least we are a little surer of the breed there , know what her keeping has been , whether foyl'd or unsound .
hor. come , come , i have known a clap gotten in wales , and there are cozens , justices , clarks , and chaplains in the country , i won't say coach-men , but she 's handsome and young .
pin. i 'll answer as i shou'd do .
[ aside . no , no , she has no beauty , but her youth ; no attraction , but her modesty , wholesome , homely , and huswifely , that 's all .
dor. he talks as like a grasier as he looks .
pin. she 's too auker'd , ill favour'd , and silly to bring to town .
har. then methinks you shou'd bring her , to be taught breeding .
pin. to be taught ; no , sir , i thank you , good wives , and private souldiers shou'd be ignorant . — [ i'll keep her from your instructions , i warrant you .
har. the rogue is as jealous , as if his wife were not ignorant .
[ aside . hor. why , if she be ill favour'd , there will be less danger here for you , than by leaving her in the country ; we have such variety of dainties , that we are seldom hungry .
dor. but they have alwayes coarse , constant , swinging stomachs in the country .
har. foul feeders indeed .
dor. and your hospitality is great there .
har. open house , every man 's welcome .
pin. so , so , gentlemen .
hor. but prethee , why woud'st thou marry her ? if she be ugly , ill bred , and silly , she must be rich then .
pin. as rich as if she brought me twenty thousand pound out of this town ; for she 'l be as sure not to spend her moderate portion , as a london baggage wou'd be to spend hers , let it be what it wou'd ; so 't is all one : then because she s ugly , she 's the likelyer to be my own ; and being ill bred , she 'l hate conversation ; and since silly and innocent , will not know the difference betwixt a man of one and twenty , and one of forty
hor. nine — to my knowledge ; but if she be silly , she 'l expect as much from a man of forty nine , as from him of one and twenty : but methinks wit is more necessary than beauty , and i think no young woman ugly that has it , and no handsome woman agreable without it .
pin. 't is my maxime , he 's a fool that marrys , but he 's a greater that does not marry a fool ; what is wit in a wife good for , but to make a man a cuckold ?
hor. yes , to keep it from his knowledge .
pin. a fool cannot contrive to make her husband a cuckold .
hor. no , but she 'l club with a man that can ; and what is worse , if she cannot make her husband a cuckold , she 'l make him jealous , and pass for one , and then 't is all one .
pin. well , well , i 'll take care for one , my wife shall make me no cuckold , though she had your help mr. horner ; i understand the town , sir.
dor. his heip !
[ aside . har. he 's come newly to town it seems , and has not heard how things are with him .
[ aside . hor. but tell me , has marriage cured thee of whoring , which it seldom does .
har. 't is more than age can do .
hor. no , the word is , i 'll marry and live honest ; but a marriage vow is like a penitent gamesters oath , and entring into bonds , and penalties to stint himself to such a particular small sum at play for the future , which makes him but the more eager , and not being able to hold out , looses his money again , and his forfeit to boot .
dor. ay , ay , a gamester will be a gamester , whilst his money lasts ; and a whoremaster , whilst his vigour .
har. nay , i have known'em , when they are broke and can loose no more , keep a fumbling with the box in their hands to fool with only , and hinder other gamesters .
dor. that had wherewithal to make lusty stakes .
pin. well , gentlemen , you may laugh at me , but you shall never lye with my wife , i know the town .
hor. but prethee , was not the way you were in better ; is not keeping better than marriage ?
pin. a pox on 't , the jades wou'd jilt me , i cou'd never keep a whore to my self .
hor. so then you only marry'd to keep a whore to your self ; well , but let me tell you , women , as you say , are like souldiers made constant and loyal by good pay , rather than by oaths and covenants , therefore i 'd advise my friends to keep rather than marry ; since too i find by your example , it does not serve ones turn , for i saw you yesterday in the eighteen penny place with a pretty country-wench .
pin. how the divel , did he see my wife then ? i sate there that she might not be seen ; but she shall never go to a play again .
[ aside . hor. what dost thou blush at nine and forty , for having been seen with a wench ?
dor. no faith , i warrant 't was his wife , which he seated there out of sight , for he 's a cunning rogue , and understands the town .
har. he blushes , then 't was his wife ; for men are now more ashamed to be seen with them in publick , than with a wench .
pin. hell and damnation , i 'm undone , since horner has seen her , and they know 't was she .
[ aside . hor. but prethee , was it thy wife ? she was exceedingly pretty ; i was in love with her at that distance .
pin. you are like never to be nearer to her . your servant gentlemen .
[ offers to go . hor , nay , prethee stay .
pin. i cannot , i will not .
hor. come you shall dine with us .
pin. i have din'd already .
hor. come , i know thou hast not ; i 'll treat thee dear rogue , thou sha't spend none of thy hampshire money to day .
pin. treat me ; so he uses me already like his cuckold .
[ aside . hor. nay , you shall not go .
pin. i must , i have business at home .
[ exit pinchwife . har. to beat his wife , he 's as jealous of her , as a cheapside husband of a covent-garden wife .
hor. why , 't is as hard to find an old whoremaster without jealousy and the gout , as a young one without fear or the pox.
as gout in age , from pox in youth proceeds ; so wenching past , then jealousy succeeds : the worst disease that love and wenching breeds . act . scene . mrs. margery pinchwife , and alithea : mr. pinchwife peeping behind at the door . mrs. pin. pray , sister , where are the best fields and woods , to walk in in london ?
alit . a pretty question ; why , sister ! mulberry garden , and st. james's park ; and for close walks the new exchange .
mrs. pin. pray , sister , tell me why my husband looks so grum here in town ? and keeps me up so close , and will not let me go a walking , nor let me wear my best gown yesterday ?
alith . o he 's jealous , sister .
mrs. pin. jealous , what 's that ?
alith . he 's afraid you shou'd love another man.
mrs. pin. how shou'd he be afraid of my loving another man , when he will not let me see any but himself .
alith . did he not carry you yesterday to a play ?
mrs. pin. ay , but we sate amongst ugly people , he wou'd not let me come near the gentry , who sate under us , so that i cou'd not see 'em : he told me , none but naughty women sate there , whom they tous'd and mous'd ; but i wou'd have ventur'd for all that .
alith . but how did you like the play ?
mrs. pin. indeed i was aweary of the play , but i lik'd hugeously the actors ; they are the goodlyest proper'st men , sister .
alith . o but you must not like the actors , sister .
mrs. pin. ay , how shou'd i help it , sister ? pray , sister , when my husband comes in , will you ask leave for me to go a walking ?
alith . a walking , hah , ha ; lord , a country gentlewomans leasure is the drudgery of a foot-post ; and she requires as much airing as her husbands horses .
[ aside . enter mr. pinchwife to them . but here comes your husband ; i 'll ask , though i 'm sure he 'l not grant it .
mrs. pin. he says he won't let me go abroad , for fear of catching the pox.
alith . fye , the small pox you shou'd say .
mrs. pin. oh my dear , dear bud , welcome home ; why dost thou look so fropish , who has nanger'd thee ?
mr. pin. your a fool.
[ mrs. pinch . goes aside , & cryes . alith . faith so she is , for crying for no fault , poor tender creature !
mr. pin. what you wou'd have her as impudent as your self , as errant a jilflirt , a gadder , a magpy , and to say all a meer notorious town-woman ?
alit . brother , you are my only censurer ; and the honour of your family shall sooner suffer in your wife there , than in me , though i take the innocent liberty of the town .
mr. pin. hark you mistriss , do not talk so before my wife , the innocent liberty of the town !
alith . why , pray , who boasts of any intrigue with me ? what lampoon has made my name notorious ? what ill women frequent my lodgings ? i keep no company with any women of scandalous reputations .
mr. pin. no , you keep the men of scandalous reputations company .
alith . where ? wou'd you not have me civil ? answer'em in a box at the plays ? in the drawing room at whitehal ? in st. james's park ? mulberry-garden ? or —
mr. pin. hold , hold , do not teach my wife , where the men are to be found ; i believe she 's the worse for your town documents already ; i bid you keep her in ignorance as i do .
mrs. pin. indeed be not angry with her bud , she will tell me nothing of the town , though i ask her a thousand times a day .
mr. pin. then you are very inquisitive to know , i find ?
mrs. pin. not i indeed , dear , i hate london ; our placehouse in the country is worth a thousand of 't , wou'd i were there again .
mr. pin. so you shall i warrant ; but were you not talking of plays , and players , when i came in ? you are her encourager in such discourses .
mrs. pin. no indeed , dear , she chid me just now for liking the player men.
mr. pin. nay , if she be so innocent as to own to me her likeing them , there is no hurt in 't —
[ aside . come my poor rogue , but thou lik'st none better then me ?
mrs. pin. yes indeed , but i do , the player men are finer folks .
mr. pin. but you love none better then me ?
mrs. pin. you are mine own dear bud , and i know you , i hate a stranger .
mr. pin. ay , my dear , you must love me only , and not be like the naughty town women , who only hate their husbands , and love every man else , love plays , visits , fine coaches , fine cloaths , fidles , balls , treates , and so lead a wicked town-life .
mrs. pin. nay , if to enjoy all these things be a town-life , london is not so bad a place , dear .
mr. pin. how ! if you love me , you must hate london .
ali. the fool has forbid me discovering to her the pleafures of the town , and he is now setting her a gog upon them himself .
mrs. pin. but , husband , do the town-women love the player men too ?
mr. pin. yes , i warrant you .
mrs. pin. ay , i warrant you .
mr. pin. why , you do not , i hope ?
mrs. pin. no , no , bud ; but why have we no player-men in the country ?
mr. pin. ha — mrs. minx , ask me no more to go to a play.
mrs. pin. nay , why , love ? i did not care for going ; but when you forbid me , you make me as 't were desire it .
alith . so 't will be in other things , i warrant .
[ aside . mrs. pin. pray , let me go to a play , dear .
mr. pin. hold your peace , i wo'not .
mrs. pin. why , love ?
mr. pin. why , i 'll tell you .
alith . nay , if he tell her , she 'l give him more cause to forbid her that place .
[ aside . mrs. pin. pray , why , dear ?
mr. pin. first , you like the actors , and the gallants may like you .
mrs. pin. what , a homely country girl ? no bud , no body will like me .
mr. pin. i tell you , yes , they may .
mrs. pin. no , no , you jest — i won't believe you , i will go .
mr. pin. i tell you then , that one of the lewdest fellows in town , who saw you there , told me he was in love with you .
mrs. pin. indeed ! who , who , pray who wa st ?
mr. pin. i 've gone too far , and slipt before i was aware ; how overjoy'd she is !
[ aside . mrs. pin. was it any hampshire gallant , any of our neighbours ? i promise you , i am beholding to him .
mr. pin. i promise you , you lye ; for he wou'd but ruin you , as he has done hundreds : he has no other love for women , but that , such as he , look upon women like basilicks , but to destroy 'em .
mrs. pin. ay , but if he loves me , why shou'd he ruin me ? answer me to that : methinks he shou'd not , i wou'd do him no harm .
alith . hah , ha , ha .
mr. pin. 't is very well ; but i 'll keep him from doing you any harm , or me either .
enter sparkish and harcourt . but here comes company , get you in , get you in .
mrs. pin. but pray , husband , is he a pretty gentleman , that loves me ?
mr. pin. in baggage , in .
[ thrusts her in : shuts the door . what all the lewd libertines of the town brought to my lodging , by this easie coxcomb ! s'death i 'll not suffer it .
spar. here harcourt , do you approve my choice ? dear , little rogue , i told you , i 'd bring you acquainted with all my friends , the wits , and —
[ harcourt salutes her . mr. pin. ay , they shall know her , as well as you your self will , i warrant you .
spar. this is one of those , my pretty rogue , that are to dance at your wedding to morrow ; and him you must bid welcom ever , to what you and i have .
mr. pin. monstrous ! —
[ aside . spar. harcourt how dost thou like her , faith ? nay , dear , do not look down ; i should hate to have a wife of mine out of countenance at any thing .
mr. pin. wonderful !
spar. tell me , i say , harcourt , how dost thou like her ? thou hast star'd upon her enough , to resolve me .
har. so infinitely well , that i cou'd wish i had a mistriss too , that might differ from her in nothing , but her love and engagement to you .
alith . sir , master sparkish has often told me , that his acquaintance were all wits and raillieurs , and now i find it .
spar. no , by the universe , madam , he does not railiy now ; you may believe him : i do assure you , he is the honestest , worthyest , true hearted gentleman — a man of such perfect honour , he wou'd say nothing to a lady , he does not mean.
mr. pin. praising another man to his mistriss !
har. sir , you are so beyond expectation obliging , that —
spar. nay , i gad , i am sure you do admire her extreamly , i see 't in your eyes . — he does admire you madam . — by the world , don't you ?
har. yes , above the world , or , the most glorious part of it , her whole sex ; and till now i never thought i shou'd have envy'd you , or any man about to marry , but you have the best excuse for marriage i ever knew .
alith . nay , now , sir , i 'm satisfied you are of the society of the wits , and raillieurs , since you cannot spare your friend , even when he is but too civil to you ; but the surest sign is , since you are an enemy to marriage , for that i hear you hate as much as business or bad wine .
har. truly , madam , i never was an enemy to marriage , till now , because marriage was never an enemy to me before .
alith . but why , sir , is marriage an enemy to you now ? because it robs you of your friend here ; for you look upon a friend married , as one gone into a monastery , that is dead to the world.
har. 't is indeed , because you marry him ; i see madam , you can guess my meaning : i do confess heartily and openly , i wish it were in my power to break the match , by heavens . i wou'd .
spar. poor franck ! '
alith . wou'd you be so unkind to me ?
har. no , no , 't is not because i wou'd be unkind to you .
spar. poor franck , no gad , 't is only his kindness to me .
pin. great kindness to you indeed ; insensible fop , let a. man make love to his wife to his face .
[ aside . spar. come dear franck , for all my wife there that shall be , thou shalt enjoy me sometimes dear rogue ; by my honour , we men of wit condole for our deceased brother in marriage , as much as for one dead in earnest : i think that was prettily said of me , ha harcourt ? — but come franck , be not not melancholy for me .
har. no , i assure you i am not melancholy for you .
spar. prethee , frank , dost think my wife that shall be there a fine person ?
har. i cou'd gaze upon her , till i became as blind as you are
spar. how , as i am ! how !
har. because you are a lover , and true lovers are blind ; stockblind .
spar. true , true ; but by the world , she has wit too , as well as beauty : go , go with her into a corner , and trye if she has wit , talk to her any thing , she 's bashful before me .
har. indeed if a woman wants wit in a corner , she has it no where .
alith . sir , you dispose of me a little before your time . —
[ aside to sparkish . spar. nay , nay , madam let me have an earnest of your obedíence , or — go , go , madam —
[ harcourt courts alithea aside . pin. how , sir , if you are not concern'd for the honour of a vvife , i am for that of a sister ; he shall not debauch her : be a pander to your own vvife , bring men to her , let 'em make love before your face , thrust 'em into a corner together , then leav'em in private ! is this your town wit and conduct ?
spar. hah , ha , ha , a silly wise rogue , wou'd make one laugh more then a stark fool , hah , ha : i shall burst . nay , you shall not disturb'em ; i 'll vex thee , by the world.
[ struggles with pinch . to keep , him from harc . and alith . alith . the writings are drawn , sir , settlements made ; 't is too late , sir , and past all revocation .
har. then so is my death .
alith . i wou'd not be unjust to him .
har. then why to me so ?
alith . i have no obligation to you .
har. my love .
alith . i had his before .
har. you never had it ; he wants you see jealousie , the only infallible sign of it .
alith . love proceeds from esteem ; he cannot distrust my virtue , besides he loves me , or he wou'd not marry me .
har. marrying you , is no more sign of his love , then bribing your woman , that he may marry you , is a sign of his generosity : marriage is rather a sign of interest , then love ; and he that marries a fortune , covets a mistress , not loves her : but if you take marriage for a sign of love , take it from me immediately .
alith . no , now you have put a scruple in my head ; but in short , sir , to end our dispute , i must marry him , my reputation wou'd suffer in the world else .
har. no , if you do marry him , with your pardon , madam , your reputation suffers in the world , and you wou'd be thought in necessity for a cloak .
alith . nay , now you are rude , sir. — mr. sparkish , pray come hither , your friend here is very troublesom , and very loving .
har. hold , hold —
[ aside to alithea . mr. pin. d' ye hear that ?
spar. why , d' ye think i 'll seem to be jealous , like a country bumpkin ?
mr. pin. no , rather be a cuckold , like a credulous cit.
har. madam , you wou'd not have been so little generous as to have told him .
alith . yes , since you cou'd be so little generous , as to wrong him .
har. wrong him , no man can do 't , he 's beneath an injury ; a bubble , a coward , a sensless idiot , a wretch so contemptible to all the world but you , that —
alith . hold , do not rail at him , for since he is like to be my husband , i am resolv'd to like him : nay , i think i am oblig'd to tell him , you are not his friend . — master sparkish , master sparkish .
spar. what , what ; now dear rogue , has not she wit ?
har. not so much as i thought , and hoped she had .
[ speaks surlily . alith . mr. sparkish , do you bring people to rail at you ?
har. madam —
spar. how ! no , but if he does rail at me , 't is but in jest i warrant ; what we wits do for one another , and never take any notice of it .
alith . he spoke so scurrilously of you , i had no patience to hear him ; besides he has been making love to me .
har. true damn'd tell-tale-woman .
[ aside . spar. pshaw , to shew his parts — we wits rail and make love often , but to shew our parts ; as we have no affections , so we have no malice , we —
alith . he said , you were a wretch , below an injury .
spar. pshaw .
har. damn'd , sensless , impudent , virtuous jade ; well since she won't let me have her , she 'l do as good , she 'l make me hate her .
alith . a common bubble .
spar. pshaw .
alith . a coward .
spar. pshaw , pshaw .
alith . a sensless driveling idiot .
spar. how , did he disparage my parts ? nay , then my honour 's concern'd , i can't put up that , sir ; by the world , brother help me to kill him ; [ i may draw now , since we have the odds of him : — 't is a good occasion too before my mistriss ] —
[ aside . [ offers to draw . alith . hold , hold .
spar. what , what .
alith . i must not let 'em kill the gentleman neither , for his kindness to me ; i am so far from hating him , that i wish my gallant had his person and understanding : — [ nay if my honour —
[ aside . spar. i 'll be thy death .
alith . hold , hold , indeed to tell the truth , the gentleman said after all , that what he spoke , was but out of friendship to you .
spar. how ! say , i am , i am a fool , that is no wit , out of friendship to me .
alith . yes , to try whether i was concern'd enough for you , and made love to me only to be satisfy'd of my virtue , for your sake .
har. kind however —
[ aside . spar. nay , if it were so , my dear rogue , i ask thee pardon ; but why wou'd not you tell me so , faith .
har. because i did not think on 't , faith .
spar. come , horner does not come , harcourt , let 's be gone to the new play. — come madam .
alith . i will not go , if you intend to leave me alone in the box , and run into the pit , as you use to do .
spar. pshaw , i 'll leave harcourt with you in the box , to entertain you , and that 's as good ; if i sate in the box , i shou'd be thought no judge , but of trimmings . — come away harcourt , lead her down .
[ exeunt sparkish , harcourt , and alithea . pin. well , go thy wayes , for the flower of the true town fops , such as spend their estates , before they come to 'em , and are cuckolds before they 'r married . but let me go look to my own free-hold — how —
enter my lady fidget , mistriss dainty fidget , and mistriss squeamish . lad. your servant , sir , where is your lady ? we are come to wait upon her to the new play.
pin. new play !
lad. and my husband will wait upon you presently .
pin. damn your civility — madam , by no means , i will not see sir jaspar here , till i have waited upon him at home ; nor shall my wife see you , till she has waited upon your ladyship at your lodgings .
[ aside . lad. now we are here , sir —
pin. no , madam .
dain . pray , let us see her .
squeam . we will not stir , till we see her .
pin. a pox on you all — she has lock'd the door , and is gone abroad .
[ aside . goes to the door , and returns . lad. no , you have lock'd the door , and she's within .
dain . they told us below , she was here .
pin. [ will nothing do ? ] — well it must out then , to tell you the truth , ladies , which i was afraid to let you know before , least it might endanger your lives , my wife has just now the small pox come out upon her , do not be frighten'd ; but pray , be gone ladies , you shall not stay here in danger of your lives ; pray get you gone ladies .
lad. no , no , we have all had 'em .
squeam . alack , alack .
dain . come , come , we must see how it goes with her , i understand the disease .
lad. come .
pin. well , there is no being too hard for women at their own weapon , lying , therefore i 'll quit the field .
[ aside . [ exit pinchwife . squeam . here 's an example of jealousy .
lad. indeed as the world goes , i wonder there are no more jealous , since wives are so neglected .
dain . pshaw , as the world goes , to what end shou'd they be jealous .
lad. foh , 't is a nasty world.
squeam . that men of parts , great acquaintance , and quality shou'd take up with , and spend themselves and fortunes , in keeping little play-house creatures , foh .
lad. nay , that women of understanding , great acquaintance , and good quality , shou'd fall a keeping too of little creatures , foh .
squeam . why , 't is the men of qualities fault , they never visit women of honour , and reputation , as they us'd to do ; and have not so much as common civility , for ladies of our rank , but use us with the same indifferency , and ill breeding , as if we were all marry'd to 'em .
lad. she says true , 't is an errant shame women of quality shou'd be so slighted ; methinks , birth , birth , shou'd go for something ; i have known men admired , courted , and followed for their titles only .
squeam . ay , one wou'd think men of honour shou'd not love no more , than marry out of their own rank .
dain . fye , fye upon 'em , they are come to think cross breeding for themselves best , as well as for their dogs , and horses .
lad. they are dogs , and horses for 't .
squeam . one wou'd think if not for love , for vanity a little .
dain . nay , they do satisfy their vanity upon us sometimes ; and are kind to us in their report , tell all the world they lye with us .
lad. damn'd rascals , that we shou'd be only wrong'd by 'em ; to report a man has had a person , when he has not had a person , is the greatest wrong in the whole world , that can be done to a person .
squeam . well , 't is an errant shame , noble persons shou'd be so wrong'd , and neglected .
lad. but still 't is an erranter shame for a noble person , to neglect her own honour , and defame her own noble person , with little inconsiderable fellows , foh ! —
dain . i suppose the crime against our honour , is the same with a man of quality as with another .
lad. how ! no sure the man of quality is likest one 's husband , and therefore the fault shou'd be the less .
dain . but then the pleasure shou'd be the less .
lad. fye , fye , fye , for shame sister , whither shall we ramble ? be continent in your discourse , or i shall hate you .
dain . besides an intrigue is so much the more notorious for the man's quality .
squeam . 't is true , no body takes notice of a private man , and therefore with him , 't is more secret , and the crime 's the less , when 't is not known .
lad. you say true ; y faith i think you are in the right on 't : 't is not an injury to a husband , till it be an injury to our honours ; so that a woman of honour looses no honour with a private person ; and to say truth —
dain . so the little fellow is grown a private person — with her —
[ apart to squeamish . lad. but still my dear , dear honour .
enter sir jaspar , horner , dorilant . sr. jas. ay , my dear , dear of honour , thou hast still so much honour in thy mouth —
hor. that she has none elsewhere —
[ aside . lad. oh , what d' ye mean to bring in these upon us ?
dain . foh , these are as bad as wits .
squeam . foh !
lad. let us leave the room .
sr. jas. stay , stay , faith to tell you the naked truth .
lad. fye , sir jaspar , do not use that word naked .
sr. jas. well , well , in short i have business at whitehal , and cannot go to the play with you , therefore wou'd have you go —
lad. with those two to a play ?
sr. jas. no , not with t'other , but with mr. horner , there can be no more scandal to go with him , than with mr. tatle , or master limberham .
lad. with that nasty fellow ! no — no.
sr. jas. nay , prethee dear , hear me .
[ whispers to lady fid. hor. ladies .
[ horner , dorilant drawing near squeamish , and daint . dain . stand off .
squeam . do not approach us .
dain . you heard with the wits , you are obscenity all over .
squeam . and i wou'd as soon look upon a picture of adam and eve , without fig leaves , as any of you , if i cou'd help it , therefore keep off , and do not make us sick .
dor. what a divel are these ?
hor. why , these are pretenders to honour , as criticks to wit , only by censuring others ; and as every raw peevish , outof-humour'd , affected , dull , tea-drinking , arithmetical fop sets up for a wit , by railing at men of sence , so these for honour , by railing at the court , and ladies of as great honour , as quality .
sr. jas. come , mr. horner , i must desire you to go with these ladies to the play , sir.
hor. i ! sir.
sr. jas. ay , ay , come , sir.
hor. i must - beg your pardon , sir , and theirs , i will not be seen in womens company in publick again for the world.
sr. jas. ha , ha , strange aversion !
squeam . no , he 's for womens company in private .
sr. jas. he — poor man — he ! hah , ha , ha .
dain . 't is a greater shame amongst lew'd fellows to be seen in virtuous womens company , than for the women to be seen with them .
hor. indeed , madam , the time was i only hated virtuous women , but now i hate the other too ; i beg your pardon ladies .
lad. you are very obliging , sir , because we wou'd not be troubled with you .
sr. jas. in sober sadness he shall go .
dor. nay , if he wo'not , i am ready to wait upon the ladies ; and i think i am the fitter man.
sr. jas. you , sir , no i thank you for that — master horner is a privileg'd man amongst the virtuous ladies , 't will be a great while before you are so ; heh , he , he , he 's my wive's gallant , heh , he he ; no pray withdraw , sir , for as i take it , the virtuous ladies have no business with you .
dor. and i am sure , he can have none with them : 't is strange a man can't come amongst virtuous women now , but upon the same terms , as men are admitted into the great turks seraglio ; but heavens keep me , from being an hombre player with 'em : but where is pinchwife —
[ exit dorilant . sr. jas. come , come , man ; what avoid the sweet society of woman-kind ? that sweet , soft , gentle , tame , noble creature woman , made for man's companion —
hor. so is that soft , gentle , tame , and more noble creature a spaniel , and has all their tricks , can fawn , lye down , suffer beating , and fawn the more ; barks at your friends , when they come to see you ; makes your bed hard , gives you fleas , and the mange sometimes : and all the difference is , the spaniel's the more faithful animal , and fawns but upon one master .
sr. jas. heh , he , he .
squeam . o the rude beast .
dain . insolent brute .
lad. brute ! stinking mortify'd rotten french weather , to dare —
sr. jas. hold , an 't please your ladyship ; for shame master , horner your mother was a woman — [ now shall i never reconcile'em ]
[ aside . hark you , madam , take my advice in your anger ; you know you often want one to make up your droling pack of hombre players ; and you may cheat him easily , for he 's an ill gamester , and consequently loves play : besides you know , you have but two old civil gentlemen ( with stinking breaths too ) to wait upon you abroad , take in the third , into your service ; the other are but crazy : and a lady shou'd have a supernumerary gentleman-usher , as a supernumerary coach-horse , least sometimes you shou'd be forc'd to stay at home .
lad. but are you sure he loves play , and has money ?
sr. jas. he loves play as much as you , and has money as much as i.
lad. then i am contented to make him pay for his scurrillity ; money makes up in a measure all other wants in men. — those whom we cannot make hold for gallants , we make fine .
[ aside . sr. jas. so , so ; now to mollify , to wheedle him , —
[ aside . master horner will you never keep civil company , methinks 't is time now , since you are only fit for them : come , come , man you must e'en fall to visiting our wives , eating at our tables , drinking tea with our virtuous relations after dinner , dealing cards to 'em , reading plays , and gazets to 'em , picking fleas out of their shocks for 'em , collecting receipts , new songs , women , pages , and footmen for 'em .
hor. i hope they 'l afford me better employment , sir.
sr. jas. heh , he , he , 't is fit you know your work before you come into your place ; and since you are unprovided of a lady to flatter , and a good house to eat at , pray frequent mine , and call my wife mistriss , and she shall call you gallant , according to the custom .
hor. who i ? —
sr. jas. faith , thou sha't for my sake , come for my sake only .
hor. for your sake —
sr. jas. come , come , here 's a gamester for you , let him be a little familiar sometimes ; nay , what if a little rude ; gamesters may be rude with ladies , you know .
lad. yes , losing gamesters have a privilege with women .
hor. i alwayes thought the contrary , that the winning gamester had most privilege with women , for when you have lost your money to a man , you 'l loose any thing you have , all you have , they say , and he may use you as he pleases .
sr. jas. heh , he , he , well , win or loose you shall have your liberty with her .
lad. as he behaves himself ; and for your sake i 'll give him admittance and freedom .
hor. all sorts of freedom , madam ?
sr. jas. ay , ay , ay , all forts of freedom thou can'st take , and so go to her , begin thy new employment ; wheedle her , jest with her , and be better acquainted one with another .
hor. i think i know her already , therefore may venter with her , my secret for hers —
[ aside . [ horner , and lady fidget whisper . sr. jas. sister cuz , i have provided an innocent play-fellow for you there .
dain . who he !
squeam . there 's a play-fellow indeed .
sr. jas. yes sure , what he is good enough to play at cards , blind-mans buff , or the fool with sometimes .
squeam . foh , we 'l have no such play-fellows .
dain . no , sir , you shan't choose play-fellows for us , we thank you .
sr. jas. nay , pray hear me .
[ whispering to them . lad. but , poor gentleman , cou'd you be so generous ? so truly a man of honour , as for the sakes of us women of honour , to cause your self to be reported no man ? no man ! and to suffer your self the greatest shame that cou'd fall upon a man , that none might fall upon us women by your conversation ; but indeed , sir , as perfectly , perfectly , the same man as before your going into france , sir ; as perfectly , perfectly , sir.
hor. as perfectly , perfectly , madam ; nay , i scorn you shou'd take my word ; i desire to be try'd only , madam .
lad. well , that 's spoken again like a man of honour , all men of honour desire to come to the test : but indeed , generally you men report such things of your selves , one does not know how , or whom to believe ; and it is come to that pass , we dare not take your words , no more than your taylors , without some staid servant of yours be bound with you ; but i have so strong a faith in your honour , dear , dear , noble sir , that i 'd forfeit mine for yours at any time , dear sir.
hor. no , madam , you shou'd not need to forfeit it for me , i have given you security already to save you harmless my late reputation being so well known in the world , madam .
lady . but if upon any future falling out , or upon a suspition of my taking the trust out of your hands , to employ some other , you your self shou'd betray your trust , dear sir ; i mean , if you 'l give me leave to speak obscenely , you might tell , dear sir.
hor. if i did , no body wou'd believe me ; the reputation of impotency is as hardly recover'd again in the world , as that of cowardise , dear madam .
lad. nay then , as one may say , you may do your worst , dear , dear , sir.
sr. jas. come , is your ladyship reconciled to him yet ? have you agreed on matters ? for i must be gone to whitehal .
lad. why , indeed , sir jaspar , master horner is a thousand , thousand times a better man , than i thought him : cosen squeamish , sister dainty , i can name him now , truly not long ago you know , i thought his very name obscenity , and i wou'd as soon have lain with him , as have nam'd him .
sr. jas. very likely , poor madam .
dain . i believe it .
squeam . no doubt on 't .
sr. jas. well , well — that your ladyship is as virtuous as any she , — i know , and him all the town knows — heh , he , he ; therefore now you like him , get you gone to your business together ; go , go , to your business , i say , pleasure , whilst i go to my pleasure , business .
lad. come than dear gallant .
hor. come away , my dearest mistriss .
sr. jas. so , so , why 't is as i 'd have it .
[ exit sr. jaspar . hor. and as i 'd have it .
lad. who for his business , from his wife will run ; takes the best care , to have her bus'ness done . [ exeunt omnes . act . scene . alithea , and mrs. pinchwife . alith . sister , what ailes you , you are grown melancholy ?
mrs. pin. wou'd it not make any one melancholy , to see you go every day fluttering about abroad , whil'st i must stay at home like a poor lonely , sullen bird in a cage ?
alit . ay , sister , but you came young , and just from the nest to your cage , so that i thought you lik'd it ; and cou'd be as chearful in 't , as others that took their flight themselves early , and are hopping abroad in the open air.
mrs. pin. nay , i confess i was quiet enough , till my husband told me , what pure lives , the london ladies live abroad , with their dancing , meetings , and junketings , and drest every day in their best gowns ; and i warrant you , play at nine pins every day of the week , so they do .
enter mr. pinchwife . mr. pin. come , what 's here to do ? you are putting the town pleasures in her head , and setting her a longing .
alit . yes , after nine-pins ; you suffer none to give her those longings , you mean , but your self .
mr. pin. i tell her of the vanities of the town like a confessor .
alith . a confessor ! just such a confessor , as he that by forbidding a silly oastler to grease the horses teeth , taught him to do 't .
mr. pin. come mistriss flippant , good precepts are lost , when bad examples are still before us ; the liberty you take abroad makes her hanker after it ; and out of humour at home , poor wretch ! sho desired not to come to london , i wou'd bring her .
alith . very well .
mr. pin. she has been this week in town , and never desired , till this afternoon , to go abroad .
alith . was she not at a play yesterday ?
mr. pin. yes , but she ne'er ask'd me ; i was my self the cause of her going .
alith . then if she ask you again , you are the cause of her asking , and not my example .
mr. pin. well , to morrow night i shall be rid of you ; and the next day before 't is light , she and i 'll be rid of the town , and my dreadful apprehensions : come , be not melancholly , for thou sha't go into the country after to morrow , dearest .
alith . great comfort .
mrs. pin. pish , what d' ye tell me of the country for ?
mr. pin. how 's this ! what , pish at the country ?
mrs. pin. let me alone , i am not well .
mr. pin. o , if that be all — what ailes my dearest ?
mrs. pin. truly i don't know ; but i have not been well , since you told me there was a gallant at the play in love with me .
mr. pin. ha —
alith . that 's by my example too .
mr. pin. nay , if you are not well , but are so concern'd , because a lew'd fellow chanc'd to lye , and say he lik'd you , you 'l make me sick too .
mrs. pin. of what sickness ?
mr. pin. o , of that which is worse than the plague . jealousy .
mrs. pin. pish , you jear , i 'm sure there 's no such disease in our receipt-book at home .
mr. pin. no , thou never met'st with it , poor innocent — well , if thou cuckold me , 't will be my own fault — for cuckolds and bastards , are generally makers of their own fortune .
[ aside . mrs. pin. well , but pray bud , let 's go to a play to night .
mr. pin. 't is just done , she comes from it ; but why are you so eager to see a play ?
mrs. pin. faith dear , not that i care one pin for their talk there ; but i like to look upon the player-men , and wou'd see , if i cou'd , the gallant you say loves me ; that 's all dear bud.
mr. pin. is that all dear bud ?
alith . this proceeds from my example .
mrs. pin. but if the play be done , let 's go abroad however , dear bud.
mr. pin. come have a little patience , and thou shalt go into the country on friday .
mrs. pin. therefore i wou'd see first some sights , to tell my neighbours of . nay , i will go abroad , that 's once .
alith . i 'm the cause of this desire too .
mr. pin. but now i think on 't , who was the cause of horners coming to my lodging to day ? that was you .
alith . no , you , because you wou'd not let him see your handsome wife out of your lodging .
mrs , pin. why , o lord ! did the gentleman come hither to see me indeed ?
mr. pin. no , no ; — you are not cause of that damn'd question too , mistriss alithea ? — [ well she 's in the right of it ; he is in love with my wife — and comes after her — 't is so — but i 'll nip his love in the bud ; least he should follow us into the country , and break his chariot-wheel near our house , on purpose for an excuse to come to 't ; but i think i know the town .
[ aside . mrs. pin. come , pray bud , let 's go abroad before 't is late ; for i will go , that 's flat and plain .
mr. pin. so ! the obstinacy already of a town-wife , and i must , whilst she 's here , humour her like one . sister , how shall we do , that she may not be seen , or known ?
[ aside . alith . let her put on her mask .
mr. pin. pshaw , a mask makes people but the more inquisitive , and is as ridiculous a disguise , as a stage-beard ; her shape , stature , habit will be known : and if we shou'd meet with horner , he wou'd be sure to take acquaintance with us , must wish her joy , kiss her , talk to her , leer upon her , and the devil and all ; no i 'll not use her to a mask , 't is dangerous ; for masks have made more cuckolds , than the best faces that ever were known .
alith . how will you do then ?
mrs. pin. nay , shall we go ? the exchange will be shut , and i have a mind to see that .
mr. pin. so — i have it — i 'll dress her up in the suit , we are to carry down to her brother , little sir james ; nay , i understand the town tricks : come let 's go dress her ; a mask ! no — a woman mask'd , like a cover'd dish , gives a man curiosity , and appetite , when , it may be , uncover'd , 't wou'd turn his stomack ; no , no.
alith . indeed your comparison is something a greasie one : but i had a gentle gallant , us'd to say , a beauty mask'd , lik'd the sun in eclipse , gathers together more gazers , than if it shin'd out .
[ exeunt . the scene changes to the new exchange : enter horner , harcourt , dorilant . dor. engag'd to women , and not sup with us ?
hor. ay , a pox on 'em all .
har. you were much a more reasonable man in the morning , and had as noble resolutions against 'em , as a widdower of a weeks liberty .
dor. did i ever think , to see you keep company with women in vain .
hor. in vain ! no — 't is , since i can't love 'em , to be reveng'd on 'em .
har now your sting is gone , you look'd in the box amongst all those women , like a drone in the hive , all upon you ; shov'd and ill-us'd by 'em all , and thrust from one side to t'other .
dar. yet he must be buzzing amongst 'em still , like other old beetle-headed , lycorish drones ; avoid'em , and hate'm as they hate you .
hor , because i do hate 'em , and wou'd hate 'em yet more , i 'll frequent'em ; you may see by marriage , nothing makes a man hate a woman more , than her constant conversation : in short , i converse with 'em , as you do with rich fools , to laugh at 'em , and use 'em ill .
dor. but i wou'd no more sup with women , unless i cou'd lye with 'em , than sup with a rich coxcomb , unless i cou'd cheat him .
hor. yes , i have known thee sup with a fool , for his drinking , if he cou'd set out your hand that way only , you were satisfy'd ; and if he were a wine-swallowing mouth 't was enough .
har. yes , a man drink 's often with a fool , as he tosses with a marker , only to keep his hand in ure ; but do the ladies drink ?
hor. yes , sir , and i shall have the pleasure at least of laying'em flat with a bottle ; and bring as much scandal that way upon 'em , as formerly t'other .
har. perhaps you may prove as weak a brother amongst 'em that way , as t'other .
dor. foh , drinking with women , is as unnatural , as scolding with 'em ; but 't is a pleasure of decay'd fornicators , and the basest way of quenching love.
har. nay , 't is drowning love , instead of quenching it ; but leave us for civil women too !
dor. ay , when he can't be the better for 'em ; we hardly pardon a man , that leaves his friend for a wench , and that 's a pretty lawful call .
hor. faith , i wou'd not leave you for 'em , if they wou'd not drink .
dor. who wou'd disappoint his company at
har. foh , wine and women good apart , together as nauseous as sack and sugar : but hark you , sir , before you go , a little of your advice , an old maim'd general , when unfit for action is fittest for counsel ; i have other designs upon women , than eating and drinking with them : i am in love with
enter sparkish , looking about . hor. why , here comes one will help you to her .
har. he ! he , i tell you , is my rival , and will hinder my love .
hor. no , a foolish rival , and a jealous husband assist their rivals designs ; for they are sure to make their women hate them , which is the first step to their love , for another man.
har. but i cannot come near his mistriss , but in his company .
hor. still the better for you , for fools are most easily cheated , when they themselves are accessaries ; and he is to be bubled of his mistriss , as of his money , the common mistriss , by keeping him company .
spar. who is that , that is to be bubled ? faith let me snack , i han't met with a buble since christmas : gad ; i think bubles are like their brother woodcocks , go out with the cold weather .
har. a pox , he did not hear all i hope .
[ apart to horner . spar. come , you bubling rogues you , where do we sup — oh , harcourt , my mistriss tells me , you have been making fierce love to her all the play long , hah , ha — but i —
har. i make love to her ?
spar. nay , i forgive thee ; for i think i know thee , and i-know her , but i am sure i know my self .
har. did she tell you so ? i see all women are like these of the fxchange , who to enhance the price of their commodities , report to their fond customers offers which were never made 'em .
hor. ay , women are as apt to tell before the intrigue , as men after it , and so shew themselves the vainer sex ; but hast thou a mistriss , sparkish ? 't is as hard for me to believe it , as that thou ever hadst a buble , as you brag'd just now .
spar. o your servant , sir ; are you at your raillery , sir ? but we were some of us beforehand with you to day at the play : the wits were something bold with you , sir ; did you not hear us laugh ?
har. yes , but i thought you had gone to plays , to laugh at the poets wit , not at your own .
spar. your servant , sir , no i thank you ; gad i go to a play as to a country-treat , i carry my own wine to one , and my own wit to t'other , or else i 'm sure i shou'd not be merry at either ; and the reason why we are so often lowder , than the players , is , because we think we speak more wit , and so become the poets rivals in his audience : for to tell you the truth , we hate the silly rogues ; nay , so much that we find fault even with their bawdy upon the stage , whilst we talk nothing else in the pit as lowd .
hor. but , why should'st thou hate the silly poets , thou hast too much wit to be one , and they like whores are only hated by each other ; and thou dost scorn writing , i 'am sure .
spar. yes , i 'd have you to know , i scorn writing ; but women , women , that make men do all foolish things , make 'em write songs too ; every body does it : 't is ev'n as common with lovers , as playing with fans ; and you can no more help rhyming to your phyllis , than drinking to your phyllis .
har. nay , poetry in love is no more to be avoided , than jealousy .
dor. but the poets damn'd your songs , did they ?
spar. damn the poets , they turn'd'em into burlesque , as they call it ; that burlesque is a hictius doctius , topsey turvey , they make a wise and witty man in the world , a fool upon the stage you know not how ; and 't is therefore i hate 'em too , for i know not but it may be my own case ; for they 'l put a man into a play for looking a squint : their predecessors were contented to make serving-men only their stagefools , but these rogues must have gentlemen , with a pox to 'em , nay knights : and indeed you shall hardly see a fool upon the stage , but he 's a knight ; and to tell you the truth , they have kept me these six years from being a knight in earnest , for fear of being knighted in a play , and dubb'd a fool.
dor. blame'em not , they must follow their copy , the age.
har. but why should'st thou be afraid of being in a play , who expose your self every day in the play-houses , and as publick places .
hor. 't is but being on the stage , instead of standing on a bench in the pit.
dor. don't you give money to painters to draw you like ? and are you afraid of your pictures , at length in a play-house , where all your mistresses may see you .
spar. a pox , painters don't draw the small pox , or pimples in ones face ; come damn all your silly authors whatever , all books and booksellers , by the world , and all readers , courteous or uncourteous .
har. but , who comes here , sparkish ?
enter mr. pinchwife , and his wife in mans cloaths , alithea , lucy her maid . spar. oh hide me , there 's my mistriss too .
[ sparkish hides himself behind harcourt . har. she sees you .
spar. but i will not see her , 't is time to go to whitehal , and i must not fail the drawing room .
har. pray , first carry me , and reconcile me to her .
spar. another time , faith the king will have sup't .
har. not with the worse stomach for thy absence ; thou art one of those fools , that think their attendance at the king's meals , as necessary as his physicians , when you are more troublesom to him , than his doctors , or his dogs .
spar. pshaw , i know my interest , sir , prethee hide me .
hor. your servant , pinchwife , — what he knows us not —
mr. pin. come along .
[ to his wife aside . mrs. pin. pray , have you any ballads , give me six-penny worth ?
clasp . we have no ballads .
mrs. pin. then give me
mr. pin. no , playes are not for your reading ; come along , will you discover your self ?
[ apart to her . hor. who is that pretty youth with him , sparkish ?
spar. i believe his wife's brother , because he 's something like her , but i never saw her but once .
hor. extreamly handsom , i have seen a face like it too ; let us follow'em .
[ exeunt pinchwife , mistriss pinchwife . alithea , lucy , horner , dorilant following them . har. come , sparkish , your mistriss saw you , and will be angry you go not to her ; besides i wou'd fain be reconcil'd to her , which none but you can do , dear friend .
spar. well that 's a better reason , dear friend ; i wou'd not go near her now , for her's , or my own sake , but i can deny you nothing ; for though i have known thee a great while , never go , if i do not love thee , as well as a new acquaintance .
har. i am oblig'd to you indeed , dear friend , i wou'd be well with her only , to be well with thee still ; for these tyes to wives usually dissolve all tyes to friends : i wou'd be contented , she shou'd enjoy you a nights , but i wou'd have you to my self a dayes , as i have had , dear friend .
spar. and thou shalt enjoy me a dayes , dear , dear friend , never stir ; and i 'll be divorced from her , sooner than from thee ; come along —
har. so we are hard put to 't , when we make our rival our procurer ; but neither she , nor her brother , wou'd let me come near her now : when all 's done , a rival is the best cloak to steal to a mistress under , without suspicion ; and when we have once got to her as we desire , we throw him off like other cloaks .
[ aside . [ exit sparkish , and harcourt following him . re-enter mr. pinchwife , mistress pinchwife in man's cloaths . mr. pin. sister , if you will not go , we must leave you —
[ to alithea . the fool her gallant , and she , will muster up all the young santerers of this place , and they will leave their dear seamstresses to follow us ; what a swarm of cuckolds , and cuckold-makers are here ?
[ aside . come let 's be gone mistriss margery .
mrs. pin. don't you believe that , i han't half my belly full of sights yet .
mr. pin. then walk this way .
mrs. pin. lord , what a power of brave signs are here ! stay — the bull's-head , the rams-head , and the stags-head , dear —
mr. pin. nay , if every husbands proper sign here were visible , they wou'd be all alike .
mrs. pin. what d' ye mean by that , bud ?
mr. pin. 't is no matter — no matter , bud.
mrs. pin. pray tell me ; nay , i will know .
mr. pin. they wou'd be all bulls , stags , and rams heads .
[ exeunt mr. pinchwife , mrs. pinchwife . re-enter sparkish , harcourt , alithea , lucy , at t'other door . spar. come , dear madam , for my sake you shall be reconciled to him .
alith . for your sake i hate him .
har. that 's something too cruel , madam , to hate me for his sake .
spar. ay indeed , madam , too , too cruel to me , to hate my friend for my sake .
alith . i hate him because he is your enemy ; and you ought to hate him too , for making love to me , if you love me .
spar. that 's a good one , i hate a man for loving you ; if he did love you , 't is but what he can't help , and 't is your fault not his , if he admires you : i hate a man for being of my opinion , i 'll ne'er do 't , by the world.
alith . is it for your honour or mine , to suffer a man to make love to me , who am to marry you to morrow ?
spar. is it for your honour or mine , to have me jealous ? that he makes love to you , is a sign you are handsome ; and that i am not jealous , is a sign you are virtuous , that i think is for your honour .
alith . but 't is your honour too , i am concerned for .
har. but why , dearest madam , will you be more concern'd for his honour , than he is himself ; let his honour alone for my sake , and his , he , he , has no honour —
spar. how 's that ?
har. but what , my dear friend can guard himself .
spar. o ho — that 's right again .
har. your care of his honour argues his neglect of it , which is no honour to my dear friend here ; therefore once more , let his honour go which way it will , dear madam .
spar. ay , ay , were it for my honour to marry a woman , whose virtue i suspected , and cou'd not trust her in a friends hands ?
alith . are you not afraid to loose me ?
har. he afraid to loose you , madam ! no , no — you may see how the most estimable , and most glorious creature in the world , is valued by him ; will you not see it ?
spar. right , honest franck , i have that noble value for her , that i cannot be jealous of her .
alith . you mistake him , he means you care not for me , nor who has me .
spar. lord , madam , i see you are jealous ; will you wrest a poor mans meaning from his words ?
alith . you astonish me , sir , with your want of jealousie .
spar. and you make me guiddy , madam , with your jealousie , and fears , and virtue , and honour ; gad , i see virtue makes a woman as troublesome , as a little reading , or learning .
alith . monstrous !
lucy . [ well to see what easie husbands these women of quality can meet with , a poor chamber maid can never have such lady-like luck ; besides he 's thrown away upon her , she 'l make no use of her fortune , her blessing , none to a gentleman , for a pure cuckold , for it requires good breeding to be a cuckold .
[ behind . alith . i tell you then plainly , he pursues me to marry me .
spar. pshaw —
har. come , madam , you see you strive in vain to make him jealous of me ; my dear friend is the kindest creature in the world to me .
spar. poor fellow .
har. but his kindness only is not enough for me , without your favour ; your good opinion , dear madam , 't is that must perfect my happiness : good gentleman he believes all i say , wou'd you wou'd do so , jealous of me ! i wou'd not wrong him nor you for the world.
spar. look you there ; hear him , hear him , and do not walk away so .
[ alithea walks carelessly , to and fro . har. i love you , madam , so —
spar. how 's that ! nay — now you begin to go too far indeed .
har. so much i confess , i say i love you , that i wou'd not have you miserable , and cast your self away upon so unworthy , and inconsiderable a thing , as what you see here ,
[ clapping bis hand on his breast , points at sparkish . spar. no faith , i believe thou woud'st not , now his meaning is plain : but i knew before thou woud'st not wrong me nor her .
har. no , no , heavens forbid , the glory of her sex shou'd fall so low as into the embraces of such a contemptible wretch , the last of mankind — my dear friend here — i injure him .
[ embracing sparkish . alith . very well .
spar. no , no , dear friend , i knew it madam , you see he will rather wrong himself than me , in giving himself such names .
alith . do not you understand him yet ?
spar. yes , how modestly he speaks of himself , poor fellow .
alith . methinks he speaks impudently of your self , since — before your self too , insomuch that i can no longer suffer his scurrilous abusiveness to you , no more than his love to me .
[ offers to go . spar. nay , nay , madam , pray stay , his love to you : lord , madam , has he not spoke yet plain enough ?
alith . yes indeed , i shou'd think so .
spar. well then , by the world , a man can't speak civilly to a woman now , but presently she says , he makes love to her : nay , madam , you shall stay , with your pardon , since you have not yet understood him , till he has made an eclaircisment of his love to you , that is what kind of love it is ; answer to thy catechisme : friend , do you love my mistriss here ?
har. yes , i wish she wou'd not doubt it .
spar. but how do you love her ?
har. with all my soul.
alith . i thank him , methinks he speaks plain enough now .
spar. you are out still .
[ to alithea . but with what kind of love , harcourt ?
har. with the best , and truest love in the world.
spar. look you there then , that is with no matrimonial love , i 'm sure .
alith . how 's that , do you say matrimonial love is not best ?
spar. gad , i went too far e're i was aware : but speak for thy self harcourt , you said you wou'd not wrong me , nor her .
har. no , no , madam , e'n take him for heaven's sake .
spar. look you there , madam .
har. who shou'd in all justice be yours , he that loves you most .
[ claps his hand on his breast . alith . look you there , mr. sparkish , who 's that ?
spar. who shou'd it be ? go on harcourt .
har. who loves you more than women , titles , or fortune fools .
[ points at sparkish . spar. look you there , he means me stil , for he points at me .
alith . ridiculous !
har. who can only match your faith , and constancy in love .
spar. ay.
har. who knows , if it be possible , how to value so much beauty and virtue .
spar. ay.
har. whose love can no more be equall'd in the world , than that heavenly form of yours .
spar. no —
har. who cou'd no more suffer a rival , than your absence , and yet cou'd no more suspect your virtue , than his own constancy in his love to you .
spar. no —
har. who in fine loves you better than his eyes , that first made him love you .
spar. ay — nay , madam , faith you shan't go , till —
alith . have a care , lest you make me stay too long —
spar. but till he has saluted you ; that i may be assur'd you are friends , after his honest advice and declaration : come pray , madam , be friends with him .
enter master pinchwife , mistriss pinchwife . alith . you must pardon me , sir , that i am not yet so obedient to you .
mr. pin. what , invite your wife to kiss men ? monstrous , are you not asham'd ? i will never forgive you .
spar. are you not asham'd , that i shou'd have more confidence in the chastity of your family , than you have ; you must not teach me , i am a man of honour , sir , though i am frank and free ; i am frank , sir —
mr. pin. very frank , sir , to share your wife with your friends .
spar. he is an humble , menial friend , such as reconciles the differences of the marriage-bed ; you know man and wife do not alwayes agree , i design him for that use , therefore wou'd have him well with my wife .
mr. pin. a menial friend — you will get a great many menial friends , by shewing your wife as you do .
spar. what then , it may be i have a pleasure in 't , as i have to shew fine clothes , at a play-house the first day , and count money before poor rogues .
mr. pin. he that shews his wife , or money will be in danger of having them borrowed sometimes .
spar. i love to be envy'd , and wou'd not marry a wife , that i alone cou'd love ; loving alone is as dull , as eating alone ; is it not a frank age , and i am a frank person ? and to tell you the truth , it may be i love to have rivals in a wife , they make her seem to a man still , but as a kept mistriss ; and so good night , for i must to whitehal . madam , i hope you are now reconcil'd to my friend ; and so i wish you a good night , madam , and sleep if you can , for to morrow you know i must visit you early with a canonical gentleman . good night dear harcourt .
[ exit sparkish . har. madam , i hope you will not refuse my visit to morrow , if it shou'd be earlyer , with a canonical gentleman , than mr.
mr. pin. this gentle-woman is yet under my care , therefore you must yet forbear your freedom with her , sir.
[ coming between alithea and harcourt . har. must , sir —
mr. pin. yes , sir , she is my sister .
har. 't is well she is , sir — for i must be her servant , sir. madam —
mr. pin. come away sister , we had been gone , if it had not been for you , and so avoided these lewd rakehells , who seem to haunt us .
enter horner , dorilant to them . hor. how now pinchwife ?
mr. pin. your servant .
hor. what , i see a little time in the country makes a man turn wild and unsociable , and only fit to converse with his horses , dogs , and his herds .
mr. pin. i have business , sir , and must mind it ; your business is pleasure , therefore you and i must go different wayes .
hor. well , you may go on , but this pretty young gentleman —
[ takes hold of mrs. pinchwife . har. the lady —
dor. and the maid —
hor. shall stay with us , for i suppose their business is the same with ours , pleasure .
mr. pin. 'sdeath he knows her , she carries it so sillily , yet if he does not , i shou'd be more silly to discover it first .
[ aside . alith . pray , let us go , sir.
mr. pin. come , come —
hor. had you not rather stay with us ? [ to mrs. pinchwife . prethee pinchwife , who is this pretty young gentleman ?
mr. pin. one to whom i 'm a guardian . [ i wish i cou'd keep her out of your hands —
[ aside . hor. who is he ? i never saw any thing so pretty in all my life .
mr. pin. pshaw , do not look upon him so much , he 's a poor bashful youth , you 'l put him out of countenance . come away brother .
[ offers to take her away . hor , o your brother !
mr. pin. yes , my wifes brother ; come , come , she 'l stay supper for us .
hor. i thought so , for he is very like her i saw you at the play with , whom i told you , i was in love with .
mrs. pin. o jeminy ! is this he that was in love with me , i am glad on 't i vow , for he 's a curious fine gentleman , and i love him already too .
[ aside . is this he bud ?
[ to mr. pinchwife . mr. pin. come away , come away .
[ to his wife . hor. why , what hast are you in ? why wont you let me talk with him ?
mr. pin. because you 'l debauch him , he 's yet young and innocent , and i wou'd not have him debauch'd for any thing in the world.
how she gazes on him ! the divel —
[ aside . hor. harcourt , dorilant , look you here , this is the likeness of that dowdey he told us of , his wife , did you ever see a lovelyer creature ? the rogue has reason to be jealous of his wife , since she is like him , for she wou'd make all that see her , in love with her .
har. and as i remember now , she is as like him here as can be .
dor. she is indeed very pretty , if she be like him .
hor. very pretty , a very pretty commendation — she is a glorious creature , beautiful beyond all things i ever beheld .
mr. pin. so , so .
har. more beautiful than a poets first mistriss of imagination .
hor. or another mans last mistriss of flesh and blood .
mrs. pin. nay , now you jeer , sir ; pray don't jeer me —
mr. pin. come , come . [ by heavens she 'l discover her self .
[ aside . hor. i speak of your sister , sir.
mr. pin. ay , but saying she was handsom , if like him , made him blush . [ i am upon a wrack —
[ aside . hor. methinks he is so handsom , he shou'd not be a man.
mr. pin. o there 't is out , he has discovered her , i am not able to suffer any longer .
[ come , come away , i say —
[ to his wife . hor. nay , by your leave , sir , he shall not go yet — harcourt , dorilant , let us torment this jealous rogue a little .
[ to them . har. how ?
dor. how ?
hor. i 'll shew you .
mr. pin. come , pray let him go , i cannot stay fooling any longer ; i tell you his sister stays supper for us .
hor. do's she , come then we 'l all go sup with her and thee .
mr. pin. no , now i think on 't , having staid so long for us , i warrant she 's gone to bed — [ i wish she and i were well out of their hands —
[ aside . come , i must rise early to morrow , come .
hor. well then , if she be gone to bed , i wish her and you a good night . but pray , young gentleman , present my humble service to her .
mrs. pin. thank you heartily , sir.
mr. pin. s'death , she will discover her self yet in spight of me .
[ aside . he is something more civil to you , for your kindness to his sister , than i am , it seems .
hor. tell her , dear sweet little gentleman , for all your brother there , that you have reviv'd the love , i had for her at first sight in the play-house .
mrs. pin. but did you love her indeed , and indeed ?
mr. pin. so , so .
[ aside . away , i say .
hor. nay stay ; yes indeed , and indeed , pray do you tell her so , and give her this kiss from me .
[ kisses her . mr. pin. o heavens ! what do i suffer ; now 't is too plain he knows her , and yet —
[ aside . hor. and this , and this —
[ kisses her again . mrs. pin. what do you kiss me for , i am no woman .
mr. pin. so — there 't is out .
[ aside . come , i cannot , nor will stay any longer .
hor. nay , they shall send your lady a kiss too ; here harcourt , dorilant , will you not ?
[ they kiss her . mr. pin. how , do i suffer this ? was i not accusing another just now , for this rascally patience , in permitting his wife to be kiss'd before his face ? ten thousand ulcers gnaw away their lips .
[ aside . come , come .
hor. good night dear little gentleman ; madam good-night ; farewel pinchwife . [ did not i tell you , i wou'd raise his jealous gall .
[ apart to harcourt and dorilant . [ exeunt horner , harcourt , and dorilant . mr. pin. so they are gone at last ; stay , let me see first if the coach be at this door .
[ exit . hor. what not gone yet ? will you be sure to do as i desired you , sweet sir ?
[ horner , harcourt , dorilant return . mrs. pin. sweet sir , but what will you give me then ?
hor. any thing , come away into the next walk .
[ exit horner , haling away mrs. pinchwife . alith . hold , hold , — what d' ye do ?
lucy . stay , stay , hold —
har. hold madam , hold , let him present him , he 'l come presently ; nay , i will never let you go , till you answer my question .
[ alithea , lucy strugling with harcourt , and dorilant . lucy . for god's sake , sir , i must follow'em .
dor. no , i have something to present you with too , you shan't follow them .
[ pinchwife returns . mr. pin. where ? — how ? — what 's become of ? gone — whither ?
lucy . he 's only gone with the gentleman , who will give him something , an 't please your worship .
mr. pin. something — give him something , with a pox — where are they ?
alith . in the next walk only , brother .
mr. pin. only , only ; where , where ?
[ exit pinchwife , and returns presently , then goes out again . har. what 's the matter with him ? why so much concern'd ? but dearest madam —
alith . pray , let me go , sir , i have said , and suffer'd enough already .
har. then you will not look upon , nor pitty my sufferings ?
alith . to look upon 'em , when i cannot help'em , were cruelty , not pitty , therefore i will never see you more .
har. let me then , madam , have my priviledge of a banished lover , complaining or railing , and giving you but a farewell reason ; why , if you cannot condescend to marry me , you shou'd not take that wretch my rival .
alith . he only , not you , since my honour is engag'd so far to him , can give me a reason , why i shou'd not marry him ; but if he be true , and what i think him to me , i must be so to him ; your servant , sir.
har. have women only constancy when 't is a vice , and like fortune only true to fools ?
dor. thou sha't not stir thou robust creature , you see i can deal with you , thereforefore you shou'd stay the rather , and be kind .
[ to lucy , who struggles to get from him . enter pinchwife . mr. pin. gone , gone , not to be found ; quite gone , ten thousand plagues go with 'em ; which way went they ?
alith . but into t'other walk , brother .
lucy . their business will be done presently sure , an 't please your worship , it can't be long in doing i 'm sure on 't .
alith . are they not there ?
mr. pin. no , you know where they are , you infamous wretch , eternal shame of your family , which you do not dishonour enough your self , you think , but you must help her to do it too , thou legion of bawds .
alith . good brother .
mr. pin. damn'd , damn'd sister .
alith . look you here , she 's coming .
enter mistriss pinchwife in mans cloaths , running with her hat under her arm , full of oranges and dried fruit , horner following . mrs. pin. o dear bud , look you here what i have got , see .
mr. pin. and what i have got here too , which you can't see .
[ aside rubbing his forehead . mrs. pin. the fine gentleman has given me better things yet .
mr. pin. ha's he so ? [ out of breath and colour'd — i must hold yet .
[ aside . hor. i have only given your little brother an orange , sir.
mr. pin. thank you , sir.
[ to horner . you have only squeez'd my orange , i suppose , and given it me again ; yet i must have a city-patience .
[ aside . come , come away —
[ to his wife . mrs. pin. stay , till i have put up my fine things , bud.
enter sir jaspar fidget . sr. jas. o master horner , come , come , the ladies stay for you ; your mistriss , my wife , wonders you make not more hast to her .
hor. i have staid this halfhour for you here , and 't is your fault i am not now with your wife .
sr. jas. but pray , don't let her know so much , the truth on 't is , i was advancing a certain project to his majesty , about — i 'll tell you .
hor. no , let 's go , and hear it at your house : good night sweet little gentleman ; one kiss more , you 'l remember me now i hope .
[ kisses her . dor. what , sir. jaspar , will you separate friends ? he promis'd to sup with us ; and if you take him to your house , you 'l be in danger of our company too .
sr. jas. alas gentlemen my house is not fit for you , there are none but civil women there , which are not for your turn ; he you know can bear with the society of civil women , now , ha , ha , ha ; besides he 's one of my family ; — he 's — heh , heh , heh .
dor. what is he ?
sr. jas. faith my eunuch , since you 'l have it , heh , he , he .
[ exit sir jaspar fidget , and horner . dor. i rather wish thou wert his , or my cuckold : harcourt , what a good cuckold is lost there , for want of a man to make him one ; thee and i cannot have horners privilege , who can make use of it .
har. ay , to poor horner 't is like coming to an estate at threescore , when a man can't be the better for 't .
mr. pin. come .
mrs. pin. presently bud.
dor. come let us go too : madam , your servant . good night strapper . —
[ to alith . [ to lucy . har. madam . though you will not let me have a good day , or night , i wish you one ; but dare not name the other half of my wish .
alith . good night , sir , for ever .
mrs. pin. i don't know where to put this here , dear bud , you shall eat it ; nay , you shall have part of the sine gentlemans good things , or treat as you call it , when we come home .
mr. pin. indeed i deserve it , since i furnish'd the best part of it .
[ strikes away the orange . the gallant treates , presents , and gives the ball ; but 't is the absent cuckold , pays for all . act . scene . in lucy , alithea dress'd in new cloths . lucy . well — madam , now have i dress'd you , and set you out with so many ornaments , and spent upon you ounces of essence , and pulvilio ; and all this for no other purpose , but as people adorn , and perfume a corps , for a stinking second-hand-grave , such or as bad i think master
alith . hold your peace .
lucy . nay , madam , i will ask you the reason , why you wou'd banish poor master harcourt for ever from your sight ? how cou'd you be so hard-hearted ?
alith . 't was because i was not hard-hearted .
lucy . no , no ; 't was stark love and kindness , i warrant .
alith . it was so ; i wou'd see him no more , because i love him .
lucy . hey day , a very pretty reason .
alith . you do not understand me .
lucy . i wish you may your self .
alith . i was engag'd to marry , you see , another man , whom my justice will not suffer me to deceive , or injure .
lucy . can there be a greater cheat , or wrong done to a man , than to give him your person , without your heart , i shou'd make a conscience of it .
alith . i 'll retrieve it for him after i am married a while .
lucy . the woman that marries to love better , will be as much mistaken , as the wencher that marries to live better . no ; madam , marrying to encrease love , is like gaming to become rich ; alas you only loose , what little stock you had before .
alith . i find by your rhetorick you have been brib'd to betray me .
lucy . only by his merit , that has brib'd your heart you see against your word , and rigid honour ; but what a divel is this honour ? 't is sure a disease in the head , like the megrim , or falling-sickness , that alwayes hurries people away to do themselves mischief ; men loose their lives by it : women what 's dearer to 'em , their love , the life of life .
alith . come , pray talk you no more of honour , nor master harcourt ; i wish the other wou'd come , to secure my fidelity to him , and his right in me .
lucy . you will marry him then ?
alith . certainly , i have given him already my word , and will my hand too , to make it good when he comes .
lucy . well , i wish i may never stick pin more , if he be not an errant natural , to t'other fine gentleman .
alith . i own he wants the wit of harcourt , which i will dispense withal , for another want he has , which is want of jealousie , which men of wit seldom want .
lucy . lord , madam , what shou'd you do with a fool to your husband , you intend to be honest don 't you ? then that husbandly virtue , credulity , is thrown away upon you .
alith . he only that could suspect my virtue , shou'd have cause to do it ; 't is
lucy . you are not sure his opinion may last .
alith . i am satisfied , 't is impossible for him to be jealous , after the proofs i have had of him : jealousie in a husband , heaven defend me from it , it begets a thousand plagues to a poor woman , the loss of her honour , her quiet , and her —
lucy . and her pleasure .
alith . what d' ye mean , impertinent ?
lucy . liberty is a great pleasure , madam .
alith . i say loss of her honour , her quiet , nay , her life sometimes ; and what 's as bad almost , the loss of this town , that is , she is sent into the country , which is the last ill usage of a husband to a wife , i think ,
lucy . o do's the wind lye there ?
[ aside . then of necessity , madam , you think a man must carry his wife into the country , if he be wise ; the country is as terrible i find to our young english ladies , as a monastery to those abroad : and on my virginity , i think they wou'd rather marry a lincoln's inn-fields , st. james's-fields , or the pall-mall .
enter to them sparkish , and harcourt dress'd like a parson . spar. madam , your humble servant , a happy day to you , and to us all .
har. amen . —
alith . who have we here ?
spar. my chaplain faith — o madam , poor harcourt remembers his humble service to you ; and in obedience to your last commands , refrains coming into your sight .
alith . is not that he ?
spar. no , fye no ; but to shew that he ne're intended to hinder our match has sent his brother here to joyn our hands : when i get me a wife , i must get her a chaplain , according to the custom ; this is his brother , and my chaplain .
alith . his brother ?
lucy . and your chaplain , to preach in your pulpit then —
[ aside . alith . his brother !
spar. nay , i knew you wou'd not believe it ; i told you , sir , she wou'd take you for your brother frank.
alith . believe it !
lucy . his brother ! hah , ha , he , he has a trick left still it seems —
[ aside . spar. come my dearest , pray let us go to church before the canonical hour is past .
alith . for shame you are abus'd still .
spar. by the world 't is strange now you are so incredulous .
alith . 't is strange you are so credulous .
spar. dearest of my life , hear me , i tell you this is ned harcourt of cambridge , by the world , you see he has a sneaking colledg look ; 't is true he 's something like his brother frank , and they differ from each other no more than in their age , for they were twins .
lucy . hah , ha , he .
alith . your servant , sir , i cannot be so deceiv'd , though you are ; but come let 's hear , how do you know what you affirm so confidently ?
spar. why , i 'll tell you all ; frank harcourt coming to me this morning , to wish me joy and present his service to you : i ask'd him , if he cou'd help me to a parson ; whereupon he told me , he had a brother in town who was in orders , and he went straight away , and sent him , you see there , to me .
alith . yes , frank goes , and puts on a black-coat , then tell 's you , he is ned , that 's all you have for 't .
spar , pshaw , pshaw , i tell you by the same token , the midwife put her garter about
alith . frank tell 's you this too .
spar. ay , and ned there too ; nay , they are both in a story .
alith . so , so , very foolish .
spar. lord , if you won't believe one , you had best trye him by your chamber maid there ; for chamber-maids must needs know chaplains from other men , they are so us'd to 'em .
lucy . let 's see ; nay , i 'll be sworn he has the canonical smirk , and the filthy , clammy palm of a chaplain .
alith . well , most reverend doctor , pray let us make an end of this fooling .
har. with all my soul , divine , heavenly creature , when you please .
alith . he speaks like a chaplain indeed .
spar. why , was there not , soul , divine , heavenly , in what he said .
alith . once more , most impertinent black-coat , cease your persecution , and let us have a conclusion of this ridiculous love .
har. i had forgot , i must sute my stile to my coat , or i wear it in vain .
[ aside . alith . i have no more patience left , let us make once an end of this troublesome love , i say .
har. so be it , seraphick lady , when your honour shall think it meet , and convenient so to do .
spar. gad i 'm sure none but a chaplain cou'd speak so , i think .
alith . let me tell you sir , this dull trick will not serve your turn , though you delay our marriage , you shall not hinder it .
har. far be it from me , munificent patroness , to delay your marriage , i desire nothing more than to marry you presently , which i might do , if you your self wou'd ; for my noble , good-natur'd and thrice generous patron here wou'd not hinder it .
spar. no , poor man , not i faith .
har. and now , madam , let me tell you plainly , no body else shall marry you by heavens , i 'll die first , for i 'm sure i shou'd die after it .
lucy . how his love has made him forget his function , as i have seen it in real parsons .
alith . that was spoken like a chaplain too , now you understand him , i hope .
spar. poor man , he takes it hainously to be refus'd ; i can't blame him , 't is putting an indignity upon him not to be suffer'd , but you 'l pardon me madam , it shan't be , he shall marry us , come away , pray madam .
lucy . hah , ha , he , more ado ! 't is late .
alith . invincible stupidity , i tell you he wou'd marry me , as your rival , not as your chaplain .
spar. come , come madam .
[ pulling her away . lucy . i pray madam , do not refuse this reverend divine , the honour and satisfaction of marrying you ; for i dare say , he has set his heart upon 't , good doctor .
alith . what can you hope , or design by this ?
har. i cou'd answer her , a reprieve for a day only , often revokes a hasty doom ; at worst , if she will not take mercy on me , and let me marry her , i have at least the lovers second pleasure , hindring my rivals enjoyment , though but for a time .
spar. come madam , 't is e'ne twelve a clock , and my mother charg'd me never to be married out of the canonical hours ; come , come , lord here 's such a deal of modesty , i warrant the first day .
lucy . yes , an 't please your worship , married women shew all their modesty the first day , because married men shew all their love the first day .
[ exeunt sparkish , alithea , harcourt , and lucy . the scene changes to a bed chamber , where appear pinchwife , mrs. pinchwife . mr. pinch . come tell me , i say .
mrs. pinch . lord , han't i told it an hundred times over .
mr. pinch . i wou'd try , if in the repetition of the ungrateful tale , i cou'd find her altering it in the least circumstance , for if her story be false , she is so too .
[ aside . come how was 't baggage ?
mrs. pinch . lord , what pleasure you take to hear it sure !
mr. pinch . no , you take more in telling it i find , but speak how was 't ?
mrs. pinch . he carried me up into the house , next to the exchange .
mr. pin. so , and you two were only in the room .
mrs. pin. yes , for he sent away a youth that was there , for some dryed fruit , and china oranges .
mr. pin. did he so ? damn him for it — and for — .
mrs. pin. but presently came up the gentlewoman of the house .
mr. pin. o 't was well she did , but what did he do whilest the fruit came ?
mrs. pin. he kiss'd me an hundred times , and told me he sancied he kiss'd my fine sister , meaning me you know , whom he said he lov'd with all his soul , and bid me be sure to tell her so , and to desire her to be at her window , by eleven of the clock this morning , and he wou'd walk under it at that time .
mr. pin. and he was as good as his word , very punctual , a pox reward him for 't .
[ aside . mrs. pin. well , and he said if you were not within , he wou'd come up to her , meaning me you know , bud , still .
mr. pin. so — he knew her certainly , but for this consession , i am oblig'd to her simplicity .
[ aside . but what you stood very still , when he kiss'd you ?
mrs. pin. yes i warrant you , wou'd you have had me discover'd my self ?
mr. pin. but you told me , he did some beastliness to you , as you call'd it , what was 't ?
mrs. pin. why , he put —
mr. pin. what ?
mrs. pin. why he put the tip of his tongue between my lips , and so musl'd me — and i said , i 'd bite it .
mr. pin. an eternal canker seize it , for a dog .
mrs. pin. nay , you need not be so angry with him neither , for to say truth , he has the sweetest breath i ever knew .
mr. pin. the devil — you were satisfied with it then , and wou'd do it again .
mrs. pin. not unless he shou'd force me .
mr. pin. force you , changeling ! i tell you no woman can be forced .
mrs. pin. yes , but she may sure , by such a one as he , for he 's a proper , goodly strong man , 't is hard , let me tell you , to resist him .
mr. pin. so , 't is plain she loves him , yet she has not love enough to make her conceal it from me , but the sight of him will increase her aversion for me , and love for him ; and that love instruct her how to deceive me , and satisfie him , all ideot as she is : love , 't was he gave women first their craft , their art of deluding ; out of natures hands , they came plain , open , silly and fit for slaves , as she and heaven intended 'em ; but damn'd love — well — i must strangle that little monster , whilest i can deal with him .
go fetch pen , ink and paper out of the next room :
mrs pin. yes bud.
[ exit mrs. pinchwife mr. pin. why should women have more invention in love than men ? it can only be , because they have more desires , more solliciting passions , more lust , and more of the devil .
mistris pinchwife returns . [ aside , . come , minks , sit down and write .
mrs. pin. ay , dear bud , but i can't do 't very well .
mr. pin. i wish you cou'd not at all .
mrs. pin. but what shou'd i write for ?
mr. pin. i 'll have you write a letter to your lover .
mrs. pin. o lord , to the fine gentleman a letter !
mr. pin. yes , to the fine gentleman .
mrs. pin. lord , you do but jeer ; sure you jest .
mr. pin. i am not so merry , come write as i bid you .
mrs. pin. what , do you think i am a fool ?
mr. pin. she 's afraid i would not dictate any love to him , therefore she 's unwilling ; but you had best begin .
mrs. pin. indeed , and indeed , but i won't , so i won't .
mr. pin. why ?
mrs. pin. because he 's in town , you may send for him if you will.
mr. pin. very well , you wou'd have him brought to you ; is it come to this ? i say take the pen and write , or you 'll provoke me .
mrs. pin. lord , what d' ye make a fool of me for ? don't i know that letters are never writ , but from the countrey to london , and from london into the countrey ; now he 's in town , and i am in town too ; therefore i can't write to him you know .
mr. pin. so i am glad it is no worse , she is innocent enough yet
[ aside . yes you may when your husband bids you write letters to people that are in town .
mrs. pin. o may i so ! then i 'm satisfied .
mr. pin. come begin — sir —
[ dictates . mrs. pin. shan't i say , dear sir ? you know one says always something more than bare sir.
mr. pin. write as i bid you , or i will write whore with this penknife in your face .
mrs. pin. nay good bud — sir —
[ she writes . mr. pin. though i suffer'd last night your nauseous , loath'd kisses and embraces — write
mrs. pin. nay , why shou'd i say so , you know i told you , he had a sweet breath .
mr. pin. write .
mrs. pin. let me but put out , loath'd .
mr. pin. write i say .
mrs. pin. well then .
[ writes . mr. pin. let 's see what have you writ ?
though i suffer'd last night your kisses and embraces —
[ takes the paper , and reads . thou impudent creature , where is nauseous and loath'd ?
mrs. pin. i can't abide to write such filthy words .
mr. pin. once more write as i 'd have you , and question it not , or i will spoil thy writing with this , i will stab out those eyes that cause my mischief .
[ holds up the penknife . mrs. pin. o lord , i will.
mr. pin. so — so — let 's see now !
[ reads . though i suffer'd last night your nauseous , loath'd kisses , and embraces ; go on — yet i would not have you presume that you shall ever repeat them — so —
[ she writes . mrs. pin. i have writ it .
mr. pin. on then — i then conceal'd my self from your knowledge , to avoid your insolencies —
[ she writes . mrs. pin. so —
mr. pin. the same reason now i am out of your hands —
[ she writes , mrs. pin. so —
mr. pin. makes me own to you my unfortunate , though innocent frolick , of being in man's cloths .
[ she writes . mrs. pin. so —
mr. pin. that you may for ever more cease to pursue her , who hates and detests you —
[ she writes on . mrs. pin. so — h —
[ sighs . mr. pin. what do you sigh ? — detests you — as much as she loves her husband and her honour —
mrs. pin. i vow husband he 'll ne'er believe , i shou'd write such a letter .
mr. pin. what he 'd expect a kinder from you ? come now your name only .
mrs. pin. what , shan't i say your most faithful , humble servant till death ?
mr. pin. no , tormenting fiend ; her stile i find wou'd be very soft .
[ aside . come wrap it up now , whilest i go fetch wax and a candle ; and write on the back side , for mr. horner .
[ exit pinchwife . mrs. pin. for mr. horner — so , i am glad he has told me his name ; dear mr. horner , but why should i send thee such a letter , that will vex thee , and make thee angry with me ; — well i will not send it — ay but then my husband will kill me — for i see plainly , he won't let me love mr. horner — but what care i for my husband — i won't so i won't send poor mr. horner such a letter — but then my husband — but oh — what if i writ at bottom , my husband made me write it — ay but then my husband wou'd see 't — can one have no shift , ah , a london woman wou'd have had a hundred presently ; stay — what if i shou'd write a letter , and wrap it up like this , and write upon 't too ; ay but then my husband wou'd see 't — i don't know what to do — but yet y vads i 'll try , so i will — for i will not send this letter to poor mr. horner , come what will on 't .
[ she writes , and repeats what she hath writ . dear , sweet mr. horner — so — my husband wou'd have me send you a base , rude , unmannerly letter — but i won't — so — and wou'd have me forbid you loving me — but i wont — so — and wou'd have me say to you , i hate you poor mr. horner — but i won't tell a lye for him — there — for i 'm sure if you and i were in the countrey at cards together , — so — i cou'd not help treading on your toe under the table — so — or rubbing knees with you , and staring in your face , 'till you saw me — very well — and then looking down , and blushing for an hour together — so — but i must make haste before my husband come ; and now he has taught me to write letters : you shall have longer ones from me , who am dear , dear , poor dear mr. horner , your most humble friend , and servant to command 'till death , margery pinchwife .
stay i must give him a hint at bottom — so — now wrap it up just like t'other — so — now write for mr. horner , — but oh now what shall i do with it ? for here comes my husband .
enter pinchwife . mr. pin. i have been detained by a sparkish coxcomb , who pretended a visit to me ; but i fear 't was to my wife .
[ aside . what , have you done ?
mrs. pin. ay , ay bud , just now .
mr. pin. let 's see 't , what d' ye tremble for ; what , you wou'd not have it go ?
mrs. pin. here — no i must not give him that , so i had been served if i had given him this .
[ he opens , and reads the first letter . [ aside . mr. pin. come , where 's the wax and seal ?
mrs. pin. lord , what shall i do now ? nay then i have it —
[ aside . pray let me see 't , lord you think me so errand a fool , i cannot seal a letter , i will do 't , so i will.
[ snatches the letter from him , changes it for the other , seals it , and delivers it to him . mr. pin. nay , i believe you will learn that , and other things too , which i wou'd not have you .
mrs. pin. so , han't i done it curiously ?
i think i have , there 's my letter going to mr. horner ; since he 'll needs have me send letters to folks .
[ aside . mr. pin. 't is very well , but i warrant , you wou'd not have it go now ?
mrs. pin. yes indeed , but i wou'd , bud , now .
mr. pin. well you are a good girl then , come let me lock you up in your chamber , 'till i come back ; and be sure you come not within three strides of the window , when i am gone ; for i have a spye in the street .
[ exit mrs. pin. pinchwife locks the door . at least , 't is fit she think so , if we do not cheat women , they 'll cheat us ; and fraud may be justly used with secret enemies , of which a wife is the most dangerous ; and he that has a handsome one to keep , and a frontier town , must provide against treachery , rather than open force — now i have secur'd all within , i 'll deal with the foe without with false intelligence .
[ holds up the letter . [ exit pinchwife . the scene changes to horner's lodging . quack and horner . quack . well sir , how fadges the new design ; have you not the luck of all your brother projectors , to deceive only your self at last .
hor. no , good domine doctor , i deceive you it seems , and others too ; for the grave matrons , and old ridgid husbands think me as unfit for love , as they are ; but their wives , sisters and daughters , know some of 'em better things already .
quack . already !
hor. already , i say ; last night i was drunk with half a dozen of your civil persons , as you call 'em , and people of honour , and so was made free of their society , and dressing rooms for ever hereafter ; and am already come to the privileges of sleeping upon their pallats , warming smocks , tying shooes and garters , and the like doctor , already , already doctor .
quack . you have made use of your time , sir.
hor. i tell thee , i am now no nore interruption to 'em , when they sing , or talk bawdy , than a little squab french page , who speaks no english.
quack . but do civil persons , and women of honour drink , and sing bawdy songs ?
hor. o amongst friends , amongst friends ; for your bigots in honour , are just like those in religion ; they fear the eye of the world , more than the eye of heaven , and think there is no virtue , but railing at vice ; and no sin , but giving scandal : they rail at a poor , little , kept player , an dkeep themselves some young , modest pulpit comedian to be privy to their sins in their closets , not to tell 'em of them in their chappels .
quack . nay , the truth on 't is , priests amongst the women now , have quite got the better of us lay confessors , physicians .
hor. and they are rather their patients , but —
enter my lady fidget , looking about her . now we talk of women of honour , here comes one , step behind the screen there , and but observe ; if i have not particular privileges , with the women of reputation already , doctor , already .
la. fid. well horner , am not i a woman of honour ? you see i 'm as good as my word .
hor. and you shall see madam , i 'll not be behind hand with you in honour ; and i 'll be as good as my word too , if you please but to withdraw into the next room .
la. fid. but first , my dear sir , you must promise to have a care of my dear honour .
hor. if you talk a word more of your honour , you 'll make me incapable to wrong it ; to talk of honour in the mysteries of love , is like talking of heaven , or the deity in an operation of witchcraft , just when you are employing the devil , it makes the charm impotent .
la. fid. nay , fie , let us not be smooty ; but you talk of mysteries , and bewitching to me , i don't understand you .
hor. i tell you madam , the word money in a mistresses mouth , at such a nick of time , is not a more disheartning sound to a younger brother , than that of honour to an eager lover like my self .
la. fid. but you can't blame a lady of my reputation to be chary .
hor. chary — i have been chary of it already , by the report i have caus'd of my self .
la. fid. ay , but if you shou'd ever let other women know that dear secret , it would come out ; nay , you must have a great care of your conduct ; for my acquaintance are so censorious , ( oh 't is a wicked censorious world , mr. horner ) i say , are so censorious , and detracting , that perhaps they 'll talk to the prejudice of my honour , though you shou'd not let them know the dear secret .
hor. nay madam , rather than they shall prejudice your honour , i 'll prejudice theirs ; and to serve you , i 'll lye with 'em all , make the secret their own , and then they 'll keep it : i am a machiavel in love madam .
la. fid. o , no sir , not that way .
hor. nay , the devil take me , if censorious women are to be silenc'd any other way .
la. fid. a secret is better kept i hope , by a single person , than a multitude ; therefore pray do not trust any body else with it , dear , dear mr. horner .
[ embracing him . enter sir jaspar fidget . sir jas. how now !
la. fid. o my husband — prevented — and what 's almost as bad , found with my arms about another man — that will appear too much — what shall i say ?
[ aside . sir jaspar come hither , i am trying if mr. horner were ticklish , and he 's as ticklish as can be , i love to torment the confounded toad ; let you and i tickle him .
sir jas. no , your ladyship will tickle him better without me , i suppose , but is this your buying china , i thought you had been at the china house ?
hor. china-house , that 's my cue , i must take it
[ aside . a pox , can't you keep your impertinent wives at home ? some men are troubled with the husbands , but i with the wives ; but i 'd have you to know , since i cannot be your journey-man by night , i will not be your drudge by day , to squire your wife about , and be your man of straw , or scare-crow only to pyes and jays ; that would be nibling at your forbidden fruit ; i shall be shortly the hackney gentleman-usher of the town .
sir jas. heh , heh , he , poor fellow he 's in the right on 't faith , to squire women about for other folks , is as ungrateful an employment , as to tell money for other folks ; heh , he , he , ben't angry horner —
[ aside . la. fid. no , 't is i have more reason to be angry , who am left by you , to go abroad indecently alone ; or , what is more indecent , to pin my self upon such ill bred people of your acquaintance , as this is .
sir jas. nay , pr'ythee what has he done ?
la. fid. nay , he has done nothing .
sir jas. but what d' ye take ill , if he has done nothing ?
la. fid. hah , hah , hah , faith , i can't but laugh however ; why d' ye think the unmannerly toad wou'd not come down to me to the coach , i was fain to come up to fetch him , or go without him , which i was resolved not to do ; for he knows china very well , and has himself very good , but will not let me see it , lest i should beg some ; but i will find it out , and have what i came for yet .
[ exit lady fidget , and locks the door , followed by horner to the door . hor. lock the door madam —
[ apart to lady fidget so , she has got into my chamber , and lock'd me out ; oh the impertinency of woman-kind ! well sir jaspar , plain dealing is a jewel ; if ever you suffer your wife to trouble me again here , she shall carry you home a pair of horns , by my lord major she shall ; though i cannot furnish you my self , you are sure , yet i 'll find a way .
sir jas. hah , ha , he , at my first coming in , and finding her arms about him , tickling him it seems , i was half jealous , but now i see my folly .
[ aside . heh , he , he , poor horner .
hor. nay , though you laugh now , 't will be my turn e're long : oh women , more impertinent , more cunning , and more mischievous than their monkeys , and to me almost as ugly — now is she throwing my things about , and rifling all i have , but i 'll get into her the back way , and so rifle her for it —
sir jas. hah , ha , ha , poor angry horner :
hor. stay here a little , i 'll ferret her out to you presently , i warrant .
[ exit horner at t'other door . sir jas. wife , my lady fidget , wife , he is coming into you the back way .
[ sir jaspar calls through the door to his wife , she answers from within . la. fid. let him come , and welcome , which way he will.
sir jas. he 'll catch you , and use you roughly , and be too strong for you .
la. fid. don't you trouble your self , let him if he can .
quack . [ behind ] this indeed , i cou'd not have believ'd from him , nor any but my own eyes .
enter mistris squeamish . squeam . where 's this woman-hater , this toad , this ugly , greasie , dirty sloven ?
sir jas. so the women all will have him ugly , methinks he is a comely person ; but his wants make his form contemptible to 'em ; and 't is e'en as my wife said yesterday , talking of him , that a proper handsome eunuch , was as ridiculous a thing , as a gigantick coward .
squeam . sir jaspar , your servant , where is the odious beast ?
sir jas. he 's within in his chamber , with my wife ; she 's playing the wag with him .
squeam . is she so , and he 's a clownish beast , he 'll give her no quarter , he 'll play the wag with her again , let me tell you ; come , let 's go help her — what , the door 's lock't ?
sir jas ay , my wife lock't it —
squeam . did she so , let us break it open then ?
sir jas. no , no , he 'll do her no hurt .
squeam . no — but is there no other way to get into 'em , whither goes this ? i will disturb'em .
[ aside . [ exit where is this harlotry , this impudent baggage , this rambling tomrigg ? o sir jaspar , i 'm glad to see you here , did you not see my vil'd grandchild come in hither just now ?
sir jas. yes ,
old l. squeam , ay , but where is she then ? where is she ? lord sir jaspar i have e'ne ratled my self to pieces in pursuit of her , but can you tell what she makes here , they say below , no woman lodges here .
sir jas. no.
old l. squeam . no — what does she here then ? say if it be not a womans lodging , what makes she here ? but are you sure no woman lodges here ?
sir jas. no , nor no man neither , this is mr. horners lodging .
old l. squeam . is it so are you sure ?
sir jas. yes , yes .
old l. squeam . so then there 's no hurt in 't i hope , but where is he ?
sir jas. he 's in the next room with my wife .
old l. squeam . nay if you trust him with your wife , i may with my biddy , they say he 's a merry harmless man now , e'ne as harmless a man as ever came out of italy with a good voice and as pretty harmless company for a lady , as a snake without his teeth .
sir jas. ay. ay poor man.
enter mrs. squeamish . squeam . i can't find 'em — oh are you here , grandmother , i follow'd you must know my lady fidget hither , 't is the prettyest lodging , and i have been staring on the prettyest pictures .
enter lady fidget with a piece of china in her hand , and horner following . la. fid. and i have been toyling and moyling , for the pretti'st piece of china , my dear .
hor. nay she has been too hard for me do what i cou'd .
squeam . oh lord i 'le have some china too , good mr. horner , don't think to give other people china , and me none , come in with me too .
hor. upon my honour i have none left now .
squeam . nay , nay i have known you deny your china before now , but you shan't put me off so , come —
hor. this lady had the last there .
la. fid. yes indeed madam , to my certain knowledge he has no more left .
squeam . o but it may be he may have some you could not find .
la. fid. what d'y think if he had had any left , i would not have had it too , for we women of quality never think we have china enough .
hor. do not take it ill , i cannot make china for you all , but i will have a rol-waggon for you too , another time .
squeam . thank you dear toad .
[ to horn. aside . la fid. what do you mean by that promise ?
hor. alas she has an innocent , literal understanding .
[ apart to lady fidget . old l. squeam . poor mr. horner , he has enough to doe to please you all , i see .
hor. ay madam , you see how they use me .
old l. squeam . poor gentleman i pitty you .
hor. i thank you madam , i could never find pitty , but from such reverend ladies as you are , the young ones will never spare a man.
squeam . come come , beast , and go dine with us , for we shall want a man at hombre after dinner .
hor. that 's all their use of me madam you see .
squeam . come sloven , i 'le lead you to be sure of you .
[ pulls him by the crevat . old l. squeam . alas poor man how she tuggs him , kiss , kiss her , that 's the way to make such nice women quiet .
hor. no madam , that remedy is worse than the torment , they know i dare suffer any thing rather than do it .
old la. squeam . prythee kiss her , and i 'le give you her picture in little , that you admir'd so last night , prythee do .
hor. well nothing but that could bribe me , i love a woman only in effigie , and good painting as much as i hate them — i 'le do 't , for i cou'd adore the devil well painted .
[ kisses mrs. squeam . squeam . foh , you filthy toad , nay now i 've done jesting .
old l. squam . ha , ha , ha , i told you so .
squeam . foh a kiss of his —
sir jas. has no more hurt in 't , than one of my spaniels .
squeam . nor no more good neither .
quack . i will now believe any thing he tells me .
[ behind . enter mr. pinchwife . la. fid. o lord here 's a man , sir jaspar , my mask , my mask , i would not be seen here for the world .
sir jas. what not when i am with you .
la. fid. no , no my honour — let 's be gone .
squeam . oh grandmother , let us be gone , make hast , make hast , i know not how he may censure us .
la. fid. be found in the lodging of any thing like a man , away .
[ exeunt sir jas. la. fid. old la. squeam . mrs. squeamish . quack . what 's here another cuckold — he looks like one , and none else sure have any business with him ,
[ behind . hor. well what brings my dear friend hither ?
mr. pinch . your impertinency .
hor. my impertinency — why you gentlemen that have got handsome wives , think you have a privilege of saying any thing to your friends , and are as brutish , as if you were our creditors .
mr. pinch . no sir , i 'le ne're trust you any way .
hor. but why not , dear jack , why diffide in me , thou knowst so well .
mr. pin. because i do know you so well .
hor. han't i been always thy friend honest jack , always ready to serve thee , in love , or battle , before thou wert married , and am so still .
mr. pin. i believe so you wou'd be my second now indeed .
hor. well then dear jack , why so unkind , so grum , so strange to me , come prythee kiss me deare rogue , gad i was always i say , and am still as much thy servant as —
mr. pin. as i am yours sir. what you wou'd send a kiss to my wife , is that it ?
hor. so there 't is — a man can't shew his friendship to a married man , but presently he talks of his wife to you , prythee let thy wife alone , and let thee and i be all one , as we were wont , what thou art as shye of my kindness , as a lumbard-street alderman of a courtiers civility at lockets .
mr. pin. but you are over kind to me , as kind , as if i were your cuckold already , yet i must confess you ought to be kind and civil to me , since i am so kind , so civil to you , as to bring you this , look you there sir.
[ delivers him a letter . hor. what is 't ?
mr. pinch . only a love letter sir.
hor. from whom — how , this is from your wife — hum — and hum —
[ reads . mr. pin. even from my wife sir , am i not wondrous kind and civil to you , now too ? but you 'l not think her so .
[ aside . hor. ha , is this a trick of his or hers
[ aside . mr. pin. the gentleman 's surpriz'd i find , what you expected a kinder letter ?
hor. no faith not i , how cou'd i.
mr. pin. yes yes , i 'm sure you did , a man so well made as you are must needs be disappointed , if the women declare not their passion at first sight or opportunity .
hor. but what should this mean ? stay the postscript . be sure you love me whatsoever my husband says to the contrary , and let him not see this , lest he should come home , and pinch me , or kill my squirrel .
[ reads aside . it seems he knows not what the letter contains .
[ aside . mr. pin. come ne're wonder at it so much .
hor. faith i can't help it .
mr. pin. now i think i have deserv'd your infinite friendship , and kindness , and have shewed my self sufficiently an obliging kind friend and husband , am i not so , to bring a letter from my wife to her gallant ?
hor. ay , the devil take me , art thou , the most obliging , kind friend and husband in the world , ha , ha .
mr. pin. well you may be merry sir , but in short i must tell you sir , my honour will suffer no jesting .
hor. what do'st thou mean ?
mr. pin. does the letter want a comment ? then know sir , though i have been so civil a husband , as to bring you a letter from my wife , to let you kiss and court her to my face , i will not be a cuckold sir , i will not .
hor. thou art mad with jealousie , i never saw thy wife in my life , but at the play yesterday , and i know not if it were she or no , i court her , kiss her !
mr. pin. i will not be a cuckold i say , there will be danger in making me a cuckold .
hor. why , wert thou not well cur'd of thy last clap ?
mr. pin. i weare a sword.
hor. it should be taken from thee , lest thou should'st do thy self a mischiefe with it , thon art mad , man.
mr. pin. as mad as i am , and as merry as you are , i must have more reason from you e're we part , i say again though you kiss'd , and courted last night my wife in man's clothes , as she confesses in her letter .
hor. ha —
[ aside . mr. pin. both she and i say you must not design it again , for you have mistaken your woman , as you have done your man.
hor. oh — i understand something now —
[ aside . was that thy wife ? why would'st thou not tell me 't was she ? faith my freedome with her was your fault , not mine .
mr. pin. faith so 't was —
[ aside . hor. fye , i 'de never do 't to a woman before her husbands face , sure .
mr. pin. but i had rather you should do 't to my wife before my face , than behind my back , and that you shall never doe .
hor. no — you will hinder me .
mr. pin. if i would not hinder you , you see by her letter , she wou'd .
hor. well , i must e'ne acquiess then , and be contented with what she writes .
mr. pin. i 'le assure you 't was voluntarily writ , i had no hand in 't you may believe me .
hor. i do believe thee , faith .
mr. pin. and believe her too , for she 's an innocent creature , has no dissembling in her , and so fare you well sir.
hor. pray however present my humble service to her , and tell her i will obey her letter to a tittle , and fulfill her desires be what they will , or with what difficulty soever i do 't , and you shall be no more jealous of me , i warrant her , and you —
mr. pin. well then fare you well , and play with any mans honour but mine , kiss any mans wife but mine , and welcome —
[ exit mr. pinch . hor. ha , ha , ha , doctor .
quack . it seems he has not heard the report of you , or does not believe it .
hor. ha , ha , now doctor what think you ?
quack . pray let 's see the letter — hum — for — deare — love you —
[ reads the letter . hor. i wonder how she cou'd contrive it ! what say'st thou to 't , 't is an original .
quack . so are your cuckolds too originals : for they are like no other common cuckolds , and i will henceforth believe it not impossible for you to cuckold the grand signior amidst his guards of eunuchs , that i say —
hor. and i say for the letter , 't is the first love letter that ever was without flames , darts , fates , destinies , lying and dissembling in 't .
enter sparkish pulling in mr. pinchwife . spar. come back , you are a pretty brother-in-law , neither go to church , nor to dinner with your sister bride .
mr. pin. my sister denies her marriage , and you see is gone away from you dissatisfy'd .
spar. pshaw , upon a foolish scruple , that our parson was not in lawful orders , and did not say all the common prayer , but 't is her modesty only i believe , but let women be never so modest the first day , they 'l be sure to come to themselves by night , and i shall have enough of her then ; in the mean time , harry horner , you must dine with me , i keep my wedding at my aunts in the piazza .
hor. thy wedding , what stale maid has liv'd to despaire of a husband , or what young one of a gallant ?
spar. o your servant sir — this gentlemans sister then — no stale maid .
hor. i 'm sorry for 't .
mr. pin. how comes he so concern'd for her —
[ aside . spar. you sorry for 't , why do you know any ill by her ?
hor. no , i know none but by thee , 't is for her sake , not yours , and another mans sake that might have hop'd , i thought —
spar. another man , another man , what is his name ?
hor. nay since 't is past he shall be nameless . poor harcourt i am sorry thou hast mist her —
[ aside mr. pin. he seems to be much troubled at the match — .
[ aside . spar. prythee tell me — nay you shan't go brother .
mr. pin. i must of necessity , but i 'le come to you to dinner .
[ exit pinchwife . spar. but harry , what have i a rival in my wife already ? but withal my heart , for he may be of use to me hereafter , for though my hunger is now my sawce , and i can fall on heartily without , but the time will come , when a rival wil be as good sawce for a married man to a wife , as an orange to veale .
hor. o thou damn'd rogue , thou hast set my teeth on edge with thy orange .
spar. then let 's to dinner , there i was with you againe , come .
hor. but who dines with thee ?
spar. my friends and relations , my brother pinchwife you see of your acquaintance .
hor. and his wife .
spar. no gad , he 'l nere let her come amongst us good fellows , your stingy country coxcomb keeps his wife from his friends , as he does his little firkin of ale , for his own drinking , and a gentleman can't get a smack on 't , but his servants , when his back is turn'd broach it at their pleasures , and dust it away , ha , ha , ha , gad i am witty , i think , considering i was married to day , by the world , but come —
hor. no , i will not dine with you , unless you can fetch her too .
spar. pshaw what pleasure can'st thou have with women now , harry ?
hor. my eyes are not gone , i love a good prospect yet , and will not dine with you , unless she does too , go fetch her therefore , but do not tell her husband , 't is for my sake .
spar. well i 'le go try what i can do , in the mean time come away to my aunts lodging , 't is in the way to pinchwifes .
hor. the poor woman has call'd for aid , and stretch'd forth her hand doctor , i cannot but help her over the pale out of the bryars .
[ exeunt sparkish , horner , quack . the scene changes to pinchwifes house . mrs. pinchwife alone leaning on her elbow . a table , pen , ink , and paper . mrs. pin. well ' tis'ene so , i have got the london disease , they call love , i am sick of my husband , and for my gallant ; i have heard this distemper , call'd a feaver , but methinks 't is liker an ague , for when i think of my husband , i tremble and am in a cold sweat , and have inclinations to vomit , but when i think of my gallant , dear mr. horner , my hot fit comes , and i am all in a feaver , indeed , & as in other feavers , my own chamber is tedious to me , and i would fain be remov'd to his , and then methinks i shou'd be well ; ah poor mr. horner , well i cannot , will not stay here , therefore i 'le make an end of my letter to him , which shall be a finer letter than my last , because i have studied it like any thing ; o sick , sick !
[ takes the pen and writes . enter mr. pinchwife who seeing her writing steales softly behind her , and looking over her shoulder , snatches the paper from her . mr. pin. what writing more letters ?
mrs. pin. o lord budd , why d' ye fright me so ?
[ she offers to run out : he stops her , and reads . mr. pin. how 's this ! nay you shall not stir madam .
deare , deare , deare , mr horner — very well — i have taught you to write letters to good purpose — but let 's see 't .
first i am to beg your pardon for my boldness in writing to you , which i 'de have you to know , i would not have done , had not you said first you lov'd me so extreamly , which if you doe , you will never suffer me to lye in the arms of another man , whom i loath . nauseate , and detest — [ now you can write these filthy words ] but what follows — therefore i hope you will speedily find some way to free me from this unfortunate match , which was never , i assure you , of my choice , but i 'm afraid 't is already too far gone ; however if you love me , as i do you , you will try what you can do , but you must help me away before to morrow , or else alass i shall be for ever out of your reach , for i can defer no longer our — our — what is to follow our — speak what ? our journey into [ the letter concludes . the country i suppose — oh woman , damn'd woman , and love , damn'd love , their old tempter , for this is one of his miracles , in a moment , he can make those blind that cou'd see , and those see that were blind , those dumb that could speak , and those prattle who were dumb before , nay what is more than all , make these dow-bak'd , sensless , indocile animals , women , too hard for us their politick lords and rulers in a moment ; but make an end of your letter , and then i 'le make an end of you thus , and all my plagues together .
[ draws his sword . mrs. pin. o lord , o lord you are such a passionate man , budd .
enter sparkish . spar. how now what 's here to doe .
mr. pin. this fool here now !
spar. what drawn upon your wife ? you shou'd never do that but at night in the dark when you can't hurt her , this is my sister in law is it not ? ay faith e'ne our country margery , one may know her , come [ pulls aside her handkercheife . she and you must go dine with me , dinner 's ready , come , but where 's my wife , is she not come home yet , where is she ?
mr. pin. making you a cuckold , 't is that they all doe , as soon as they can .
spar. what the wedding day ? no , a wife that designs to make a cully of her husband , will be sure to let him win the first stake of love , by the world , but come they stay dinner for us , come i 'le lead down our margery .
mrs. pin. no — sir go we 'l follow you .
spar. i will not wag without you .
mr. pin. this coxcomb is a sensible torment to me amidst the greatest in the world .
spar. come , come madam margery .
mr. pin. no i 'le lead her my way , what wou'd you treat your friends with mine , for want of your own wife ?
[ leads her to t'other door , and locks her in and returns . i am contented my rage shou'd take breath —
[ aside spar. i told horner this .
mr. pin. come now .
spar. lord , how shye you are of your wife , but let me tell you brother , we men of wit have amongst us a saying , that cuckolding like the small pox comes with a fear , and you may keep your wife as much as you will out of danger of infection , but if her constitution incline her to 't , she 'l have it sooner or later by the world , say they .
mr. pin. what a thing is a cuckold , that every fool can make him ridiculous —
[ aside . well sir — but let me advise you , now you are come to be concern'd , because you suspect the danger , not to neglect the means to prevent it , especially when the greatest share of the malady will light upon your own head , for —
how'sere the kind wife's belly comes to swell . the husband breeds for her , and first is ill . act . scene . mr. pinchwifes house . enter mr. pinchwife and mrs. pinchwife , a table and candle . mr. pin. come take the pen and make an end of the letter , just as you intended , if you are false in a tittle , i shall soon perceive it , and punish you with this as you deserve , write what was to follow — let 's see —
[ lays his hand on his sword. [ you must make haste and help me away before to morrow , or else i shall be for ever out of your reach , for i can defer no longer our — ] what follows our ? —
mrs. pin. must all out then budd ? — look you there then .
[ mrs. pin. takes the pen and writes . mr. pin. let 's see — [ for i can defer no longer our — wedding — your slighted alithea ] what 's the meaning of this , my sisters name to 't , speak , unriddle ?
mrs. pin. yes indeed budd .
mr. pin. but why her name to 't speak — speak i say ?
mrs. pin. ay but you 'l tell her then again , if you wou'd not tell her again .
mr. pin. i will not , i am stunn'd , my head turns round , speak .
mrs. pin. won't you tell her indeed , and indeed .
mr. pin. no , speak i say .
mrs. pin. she 'l be angry with me , but i had rather she should be angry with me than you budd ; and to tell you the truth , 't was the made me write the letter , and taught me what i should write .
mr. pin. ha — i thought the stile was somewhat better than her own , but how cou'd she come to you to teach you , since i had lock'd you up alone .
mrs. pin. o through the key hole budd .
mr. pin. but why should she make you write a letter for her to him , since she can write her self ?
mis. pin. why she said because — for i was unwilling to do it .
mr. pin. because what — because .
mrs. pin. because lest mr. horner should be cruel , and refuse her , or vaine afterwards , and shew the letter , she might disown it , the hand not being hers .
mr. pin. how 's this ? ha — then i think i shall come to my self again — this changeling cou'd not invent this lye , but if she cou'd , why should she ? she might think i should soon discover it — stay — now i think on 't too , horner said he was sorry she had married sparkish , and her disowning her marriage to me , makes me think she has evaded it , for horner's sake , yet why should she take this course , but men in love are fools , women may well be so . —
[ aside . but hark you madam , your sister went out in the morning , and i have not seen her within since .
mrs. pin. a lack a day she has been crying all day above it seems in a corner .
mr. pin. where is she , let me speak with her .
mrs. pin. o lord then he 'l discover all —
[ aside . pray hold budd , what d'y mean to discover me , she 'l know i have told you then , pray budd let me talk with her first —
mr. pin. i must speak with her to know whether horner ever made her any promise ; and whether she be married to sparkish or no.
mrs. pin. pray dear budd don't , till i have spoken with her and told her that i have told you all , for she 'll kill me else .
mr. pin. go then and bid her come out to me .
mrs. pin. yes , yes budd —
mr. pin. let me see —
mrs. pin. i 'le go , but she is not within to come to him , i have just got time to know of lucy her maid , who first set me on work , what lye i shall tell next , for i am e'ne at my wits end —
[ exit mrs. pinchwife . mr. pin , well i resolve it , horner shall have her , i 'd rather give him my sister than lend him my wife , and such an alliance will prevent his pretensions to my wife sure , — i 'le make him of kinn to her , and then he won't care for her ,
[ mrs. pin. returns . mrs. pin. o lord budd i told you what anger you would make me with my sister .
mr. pin. won't she come hither ?
mrs. pin. no no , alack a day , she 's asham'd to look you in the face , and she says if you go in to her , she 'l run away down stairs , and shamefully go her self to mr. horner , who has promis'd her marriage she says , and she will have no other , so she won't —
mr. pin. did he so — promise her marriage — then she shall have no other , go tell her so , and if she will come and discourse with me a little concerning the means , i will about it immediately , go — [ exit mrs. pin. his estate is equal to
well what says she now ? —
[ enter mrs. pin. mrs. pin. why she says she would only have you lead her to horners lodging — with whom she first will discourse the matter before she talk with you , which yet she cannot doe ; for alack poor creature , she says she can't so much as look you in the face , therefore she 'l come to you in a mask , and you must excuse her if she make you no answer to any question of yours , till you have brought her to mr. horner , and if you will not chide her , nor question her , she 'l come out to you immediately .
mr. pin. let her come i will not speak a word to her , nor require a word from her .
mrs. pin. oh i forgot , besides she says , she cannot look you in the face , though through a mask , therefore wou'd desire you to put out the candle .
[ exit mrs. pin , puts out the candle . mr. pin. i agree to all , let her make haste — there 't is out — my case is something better , i 'd rather fight with horner for not lying with my sister , than for lying with my wife , and of the two i had rather find my sister too forward than my wife ; i expected no other from her free education , as she calls it , and her passion for the town — well — wife and sister are names which make us expect love and duty , pleasure and comfort , but we find 'em plagues and torments , and are equally , though differently troublesome to their keeper ; for we have as much a doe to get people to lye with our sisters , as to keep ' emfrom lying with our wives .
enter mrs. pinchwife masked , and in hoods and scarves , and a night gown and petticoat of alitheas in the dark . what are you come sister ? let us go then — but first let me lock up my wife , mrs. margery where are you ?
mrs. pin. here budd .
mr. pin. come hither , that i may lock you up , get you in , come sister where are you now ?
[ locks the door . [ mrs. pin. gives him her hand , but when he lets her go , she steals softly on t'other side of him , and is lead away by him for his sister alithea . ] the scene changes to horners lodging . quack horner . quack . what all alone , not so much as one of your cuckolds here , nor one of their wives ! they use to take their turns with you , as if they were to watch you .
hor. yes it often happens , that a cuckold is but his wifes spye , and is more upon family duty , when he is with her gallant abroad hindring his pleasure , than when he is at home with her playing the gallant , but the hardest duty a married woman imposes upon a lover is , keeping her husband company always .
quack . and his fondness wearies you almost as soon as hers .
hor. a pox , keeping a cuckold company after you have had his wife , is as tiresome as the company of a country squire to a witty fellow of the town , when he has got all his mony ,
quack . and as at first a man makes a friend of the husband to get the wife , so at last you are faine to fall out with the wife to be rid of the husband .
hor. ay , most cuckold-makers are true courtiers , when once a poor man has crack'd his credit for 'em , they can't abide to come neer him .
quack . but at first to draw him in are so sweet , so kind , so dear , just as you are to pinchwife , but what becomes of that intrigue with his wife ?
hor. a pox he 's as surly as an alderman that has been bit , and since he 's so coy , his wife's kindness is in vain , for she 's a silly innocent .
quack . did she not send you a letter by him ?
hor. yes , but that 's a riddle i have not yet solv'd — allow the poor creature to be willing , she is silly too , and he keeps her up so close —
quack . yes , so close that he makes her but the more willing , and adds but revenge to her love , which two when met seldome faile of satisfying each other one way or other .
hor. what here 's the man we are talking of i think .
enter mr. pinchwife leading in his wife masqued , muffled , and in her sisters gown . hor. pshaw .
quack . bringing his wife to you is the next thing to bringing a love letter from her .
hor. vvhat means this ?
mr. pin. the last time you know sir i brought you a love letter , now you see a mistress , i think you 'l say i am a civil man to you .
hor. ay the devil take me will i say thou art the civillest man i ever met with , and i have known some ; i fancy , i understand thee now , better than i did the letter , but hark thee in thy eare —
mr. pin. vvhat ?
hor. nothing but the usual question man , is she sound on thy word ?
mr. pin. vvhat you take her for a vvench and me for a pimp ?
hor. pshaw , wench and pimp , paw words , i know thou art an honest fellow , and hast a great acquaintance among the ladies , and perhaps hast made love for me rather than let me make love to thy vvife —
mr. pin. come sir , in short , i am for no fooling .
hor. nor i neither , therefore prythee let 's see her face presently , make her show man , art thou sure i don't know her ?
mr. pin. i am sure you doe know her .
hor. a pox why dost thou bring her to me then ?
mr. pin. because she 's a relation of mine .
hor. is she faith man , then thou art still more civil and obliging , dear rogue .
mr. pin. vvho desir'd me to bring her to you .
hor. then she is obliging , dear rogue .
mr. pin. you 'l make her welcome for my sake i hope .
hor. i hope she is handsome enough to make her self wellcome ; prythee let her unmask .
mr. pin. doe you speak to her , she wou'd never be rul'd by me .
hor. madam —
[ mrs. pin. whispers to hor. she says she must speak with me in private , withdraw prythee .
mr. pin. she 's unwilling it seems i shou'd know all her undecent conduct in this business —
[ aside . vvell then i le leave you together , and hope when i am gone you 'l agree , if not you and i shan't agree sir. —
hor. vvhat means the fool ? — if she and i agree 't is no matter what you and i do .
[ whispers to mrs pin , who makes signs with her hand for him to be gone . ] mr. pin. in the mean time i 'le fetch a parson , and find out sporkish and disabuse him .
you wou'd have me fetch a parson , would you not , well then — now i think i am rid of her , and shall have no more trouble with her — our sisters and daughters like usurers money , are safest , when put out ; but our wifes , like their writings , never safe , but in our closets under lock and key .
[ exit mr. pin. enter boy . boy . sir jaspar fidget sir is coming up .
hor. here 's the trouble of a cuckold , now we are talking of , a pox on him , has he not enough to doe to hinder his wifes sport , but he must other women's too . — step in here madam .
[ exit mrs. pin. enter sir jaspar . sir jas. my best and dearest friend .
hor. the old stile doctor —
well be short , for i am busie , what would your impertinent wife have now ?
sir jas. well guess'd y' faith , for i do come from her .
hor. to invite me to supper , tell her i can't come , go .
sir jas. nay , now you are out faith , for my lady and the whole knot of the virtuous gang , as they call themselves , are resolv'd upon a frolick of coming to you to night in a masquerade , and are all drest already .
hor. i shan't be at home .
sir jas. lord how churlish he is to women — nay prythee don't disappoint 'em , they 'l think 't is my fault , prythee don't , i 'le send in the banquet and the fiddles , but make no noise on 't , for the poor virtuous rogues would not have it known for the world , that they go a masquerading , and they would come to no mans ball , but yours .
hor. well , well — get you gone , and tell 'em if they come , 't will be at the peril of their honour and yours .
sir jas. heh , he , he — we 'l trust you for that , farewell —
[ exit sir jaspar . hor. doctor anon you too shall be my guest . but now i 'm going to a private feast .
the scene changes to the piazza of covent garden . sparkish , pinchwife . [ spar. with the letter in his hand . spar. but who would have thought a woman could have been false to me , by the world , i could not have thought it .
mr. pin. you were for giving and taking liberty , she has taken it only sir , now you find in that letter , you are a frank person , and so is the you see there .
spar. nay if this be her hand — for i never saw it .
mr. pin. 't is no matter whether that be her hand or no , i am sure this hand at her desire lead her to mr. horner , with whom i left her just now , to go fetch a parson to 'em at their desire too , to deprive you of her for ever , for it seems yours was but a mock marriage .
spar. indeed she wou'd needs have it that 't was harcourt himself in a parsons habit , that married us , but i 'm sure he told me 't was his brother ned.
mr. pin. o there 't is out and you were deceiv'd not she , for you are such a frank person — but i must be gone — you 'l find her at mr. horners , goe and believe your eyes .
[ exit mr. pin. spar. nay i 'le to her , and call her as many crocodiles , syrens , harpies , and other heathenish names , as a poet would do a mistress , who had refus'd to heare his suit , nay more his verses on her .
but stay , is not that she following a torch at t'other end of the piazza , and from horners certainly — 't is so —
enter alithea following a torch , and lucy behind . you are well met madam though you don 't think so ; what you have made a short visit to mr. horner , but i suppose you 'l return to him presently , by that time the parson can be with him .
ali. mr. horner , and the parson sir —
spar. come madam no more dissembling , no more jilting for i am no more a frank person .
alith . how 's this .
lucy . so 't will work i see —
[ aside . spar. cou'd you find out no easie country fool to abuse ? none but me , a gentleman of wit and pleasure about the town , but it was your pride to be too hard for a man of parts , unworthy false woman , false as a friend that lends a man mony to lose , false as dice , who undoe those that trust all they have to ' em .
lucy . he has been a great bubble by his similes as they say —
[ aside . ali. you have been too merry sir at your wedding dinner sure .
spar what d'y mock me too ?
ali. or you have been deluded .
spar. by you .
ali. let me understand you .
spar. have you the confidence , i should call it something else , since you know your guilt , to stand my just reproaches ? you did not write an impudent letter to mr. horner , who i find now has club'd with you in deluding me with his aversion for women , that i might not forsooth suspect him for my rival .
lucy . d'y think the gentleman can be jealous now madam —
[ aside . ali. i write a letter to mr. horner !
spar. nay madam , do not deny it , your brother shew'd it me just now , and told me likewise he left you at horners lodging to fetch a parson to marry you to him , and i wish you joy madam , joy , joy , and to him too much joy , and to my self more joy for not marrying you .
ali. so i find my brother would break off the match , and i can consent to 't , since i see this gentleman can be made jealous .
[ aside . o lucy , by his rude usage and jealousie , he makes me almost afraid i am married to him , art thousure 't was harcourt himself and no parson that married us .
spar. no madam i thank you , i suppose that was a contrivance too of mr. horners and yours , to make harcourt play the parson , but i would as little as you have him one now , no not for the world , for shall i tell you another truth , i never had any passion for you , 'till now , for now i hate you , 't is true i might have married your portion , as other men of parts of the town do sometimes , and so your servant , and to shew my unconcernedness , i 'le come to your wedding , and resign you with as much joy as i would a stale wench to a new cully , nay with as much joy as i would after the first night , if i had been married to you , there 's for you , and so your servant , servant .
[ exit spar. ali. how was i deciv'd in a man !
lucy . you 'l believe then a fool may be made jealous now ? for that easiness in him that suffers him to be led by a wife , will likewise permit him to be perswaded against her by others .
ali. but marry mr. horner , my brother does not intend it sure ; if i thought he did , i would take thy advice , and mr. harcourt for my husband , and now i wish , that if there be any over-wise woman of the town , who like me would marry a fool , for fortune , liberty , or title , first that her husband may love play , and be a cully to all the town , but her , and suffer none but fortune to be mistress of his purse , then if for liberty , that he may send her into the country under the conduct of some housewifely mother-in law ; and if for title , may the world give 'em none but that of cuckold .
lucy . and for her greater curse madam , may he not deserve it .
ali. away impertinent — is not this my old lady lanterlus ?
lucy . yes madam . [ and here i hope we shall find mr. harcourt —
[ aside . [ exeunt ali. lucy . the scene changes again to horner's lodging . horner , lady fidget , mrs. daynty fidget , mrs. squeamish , a table , banquet , and bottles . hor. a pox they are come too soon — before i have sent back my new — mistress , all i have now to do , is to lock her in , that they may not see her —
[ aside . la. fid. that we may besure of our wellcome we have brought our entertainment with us , and are resolv'd to treat thee , dear toad .
dayn. and that we may be merry to purpose , have lest sir jaspar and my old lady squeamish quarrelling at home at baggammon .
squcam . therefore let us make use of our time , lest they should chance to interrupt us .
la. fid. let us sit then .
hor. first that you may be private , let me lock this door , and that , and i 'le wait upon you presently .
la. fid. no sir , shut 'em only and your lips for ever , for we must trust you as much as our women .
hor. you know all vanity's kill'd in me , i have no occasion for talking .
la. fid. now ladies , supposing we had drank each of us our two bottles , let us speak the truth of our hearts .
dayn. and squeam . agreed .
la. fid. by this brimmer , for truth is no where else to be found , [ not in thy heart false man.
[ aside to hor. hor. you have found me a true man i 'm sure .
[ aside to lady fid. la. fid. not every way — but let us sit and be merry .
[ aside to hor. [ lady fidget sings . i. why should our damn'd tyrants oblige us to live , on the pittance of pleasure which they only give . we must not rejoyce , with wine and with noise . in vaine we must wake in a dull bed alone . whilst to our warm rivai the bottle , they 're gone . then lay aside charms , and take up these arms dear brimmer , well in token of our openness and plain dealing , let us throw our masques over our heads .
hor. so 't will come to the glasses anon .
squeam . lovely brimmer , let me enjoy him first .
la. fid. no , i never part with a gallant . till i 've try'd him . dear brimmer that mak'st our husbands short sighted .
dayn. and our bashful gallants bold .
squeam . and for want of a gallant , thebutler lovely in our eyes , drink eunuch .
la. fid. drink thou representative of a husband , damn a husband .
dayn. and as it were a husband , an old keeper .
squeam . and an old grandmother .
hor. and an english bawd , and a french chirurgion .
la. fid. ay we have all reason to curse ' em .
hor. for my sake ladies .
la. fid. no , for our own , for the first spoils all young gallants industry .
dayn. and the others art makes 'em bold only with common women .
squeam . and rather run the hazard of the vile distemper amongst them , than of a denial amongst us .
dayn. the filthy toads chuse mistresses now , as they do stuffs , for having been fancy'd and worn by others .
squeam . for being common and cheap .
la. lid. whilst women of quality , like the richest stuffs , lye untumbled , and unask'd for .
hor. ay neat , and cheap , and new often they think best .
dayn. no sir , the beasts will be known by a mistriss longer than by a suit .
squeam . and 't is not for cheapness neither .
la. fid. no , for the vain fopps will take up druggets , and embroider 'em , but i wonder at the depraved appetites of witty men , they use to be out of the common road , and hate imitation , pray tell me beast , when you were a man , why you rather chose to club with a multitude in a common house , for an entertainment , than to be the only guest at a good table .
hor. why faith ceremony and expectation are unsufferable to those that are sharp bent , people always eat with the best stomach at an ordinary , where every man is snatching for the best bit .
la. fid. though he get a cut over the fingers — but i have heard people eat most heartily of another man's meat , that is , what they do not pay for .
hor. when they are sure of their wellcome and freedome , for ceremony in love and eating , is as ridiculous as in fighting , falling on briskly is all should be done in those occasions .
la. fid. well then let me tell you sir , there is no where more freedome than in our houses , and we take freedom from a young person as a sign of good breeding , and a person may be as free as he pleases with us , as frolick , as gamesome , as wild as he will.
hor. han't i heard you all declaim against wild men .
la. fid. yes , but for all that , we think wildness in a man , as desireable a quality , as in a duck , or rabbet ; a tame man , foh .
hor. i know not , but your reputations frightned me , as much as your faces invited me .
la. fid. our reputation , lord ! why should you not think , that we women make use of our reputation , as you men of yours , only to deceive the world with less suspicion ; our virtue is like the state-man's religion , the quakers word , the gamesters oath , and the great man's honour , but to cheat those that trust us .
squeam . and that demureness , coyness , and modesty , that you see in our faces in the boxes at plays , is as much a sign of a kind woman , as a vizard-mask in the pit.
dayn. for i assure you , women are least mask'd , when they have the velvet vizard on .
la. fid. you wou'd have found us modest women in our denyals only .
squeam . our bashfulness is only the reflection of the men's .
dayn. we blush , when they are shame-fac'd .
hor. i beg your pardon ladies , i was deceiv'd in you devilishly , but why , that mighty pretence to honour ?
la. fid. we have told you ; but sometimes 't was for the same reason you men pretend business often , to avoid ill company , to enjoy the better , and more privately those you love .
hor. but why , wou'd you ne'er give a friend a wink then ?
la. fid. faith , your reputation frightned us as much , as ours did you , you were so notoriously lewd .
hor. and you so seemingly honest .
la. fid. was that all that deterr'd you ?
hor. and so expensive — you allow freedom you say .
la. fid. ay , ay .
hor. that i was afraid of losing my little money , as well as my little time , both which my other pleasures required .
la. fid. money , foh — you talk like a little fellow now , do such as we expect money ?
hor. i beg your pardon , madam , i must confess , i have heard that great ladies , like great merchants , set but the higher prizes upon what they have , because they are not in necessity of taking the first offer .
dayn. such as we , make sale of our hearts ?
squeam . we brib'd for our love ? foh .
hor. with your pardon , ladies , i know , like greeat men in offices , you seem to exact flattery and attendance only from your followers , but you have receivers about you , and such fees to pay , a man is afraid to pass your grants ; besides we must let you win at cards , or we lose your hearts ; and if you make an assignation , 't is at a goldsmiths , jewellers , or china house , where for your honour , you deposit to him , he must pawn his , to the punctual citt , and so paying for what you take up , pays for what he takes up .
dayn. wou'd you not have us assur'd of our gallants love ?
squeam . for love is better known by liberality , than by jealousie .
la. fid. for one may be dissembled , the other not — but my jealousie can be no longer dissembled , and they are telling ripe :
[ aside . come here 's to our gallants in waiting , whom we must name , and i 'll begin , this is my false rogue .
[ claps him on the back . squeam . how !
hor. so all will out now —
squeam . did you not tell me , 't was for my sake only , you reported your self no man ?
[ aside to horner . dayn. oh wretch ! did you not swear to me , 't was for my love , and honour , you pass'd for that thing you do ?
[ aside to horner . hor. so , so .
la. fid. come , speak ladies , this is my false villain .
squeam . and mine too .
dayn. and mine .
horn. well then , you are all three my false rogues too , and there 's an end on 't .
la. fid. well then , there 's no remedy , sister sharers , let us not fall out , but have a care of our honour ; though we get no presents , no jewels of him , we are savers of our honour , the : jewel of most value and use , which shines yet to the world unsuspected , though it be counterfeit .
hor. nay , and is e'en as good , as if it were true , provided the world think so ; for honour , like beauty now , only depends on the opinion of others .
la. fid. well harry common , i hope you can be true to three , swear , but 't is no purpose , to require your oath ; for you are as often forsworn , as you swear to new women .
hor. come , faith madam , let us e'en pardon one another , for all the difference i find betwixt we men , and you women , we forswear our selves at the beginning of an amour , you , as long as it lasts .
enter sir jaspar fidget , and old lady squeamish . sir jas. oh my lady fidget , was this your cunning , to come to mr. horner without me ; but you have been no where else i hope .
la. fid. no , sir jaspar .
old la. squeam . and you came straight hither biddy .
squeam . yes indeed , lady grandmother .
sir jas. 't is well , 't is well , i knew when once they were throughly acquainted with poor horner , they 'd ne'er be from him ; you may let her masquerade it with my wife , and horner , and i warrant her reputation safe .
enter boy . boy . o sir , here 's the gentleman come , whom you bid me not suffer to come up , without giving you notice , with a lady too , and other gentlemen —
hor. do you all go in there , whil'st i send 'em away , and boy , do you desire 'em to stay below ' til i come , which shall be immediately .
[ exeunt sir jaspar , lad. squeam . lad. fidget , mistris dainty , squeamish . boy . yes sir.
[ exit . [ exit horner at t'other door , and returns with mistris pinchwife . hor. you wou'd not take my advice to be gone home , before your husband came back , he 'll now discover all , yet pray my dearest be perswaded to go home , and leave the rest to my management , i 'll let you down the back way .
mrs. pin. i don't know theway home , so i don't .
hor. my man shall wait upon you .
mrs. pin. no , don't you believe , that i 'll go at all ; what are you weary of me already ?
hor. no my life , 't is that i may love you long , 't is to secure my love , and your reputation with your husband , he 'll never receive you again else .
mrs. pin. what care i , d' ye think to frighten me with that ? i don't intend to go to him again ; you shall be my husband now .
hor. i cannot be your husband , dearest , since you are married to him .
mrs. pin. o wou'd you make me believe that — don 't i see every day at london here , women leave their first husbands , and go , and live with other men as their wives , pish , pshaw , you 'd make me angry , but that i love you so mainly .
hor. so , they are coming up — in again , in , i hear 'em :
[ exit mistris pinchwife . well , a silly mistriss , is like a weak place , soon got , soon lost , a man has scarce time for plunder ; she betrays her husband , first to her gallant , and then her gallant , to her husband .
enter pinchwife , alithea , harcourt , sparkish , lucy , and a parson . mr. pin. come madam , 't is not the sudden change of your dress , the confidence of your asseverations , and your false witness there , shall perswade me , i did not bring you hither , just now ; here 's my witness , who cannot deny it , since you must be confronted — mr. horner , did not i bring this lady to you just now ?
hor. now must i wrong one woman for anothers sake , but that 's no new thing with me ; for in these cases i am still on the criminal's side , against the innocent .
[ aside . alith . pray , speak sir.
hor. it must be so — i must be impudent , and try my luck , impudence uses to be too hard for truth .
[ aside . mr. pin. what , you are studying an evasion , or excuse for her , speak sir.
hor. no faith , i am something backward only , to speak in womens affairs or disputes .
mr. pin. she bids you speak .
alith . ay , pray sir do , pray satisfie him ,
hor. then truly , you did bring that lady to me just now ,
mr. pin. o ho —
alith . how sir —
har. how , horner !
alith . what mean you sir , i always took you for a man of honour ?
hor. ay , so much a man of honour , that i must save my mistriss , i thank you , come what will on 't .
[ aside . spar. so if i had had her , she 'd have made me believe , the moon had been made of a christmas pye .
lucy . now cou'd i speak , if i durst , and ' solve the riddle , who am the author of it .
[ aside . alith . o unfortunate woman ! a combination against my honour , which most concerns me now , because you share in my disgrace , sir , and it is your censure which i must now suffer , that troubles me , not theirs .
har. madam , then have no trouble , you shall now see 't is possible for me to love too , without being jealous , iwill not only believe your innocence my self , but make all the world believe it —
horner i must now be concern'd for this ladies honour .
[ apart to horner . hor. and i must be concern'd for a ladies honour too .
har. this lady has her honour , and i will protect it .
hor. my lady has not her honour , but has given it me to keep , and i will preserve it .
har. i understand younot
hor. i wou'd not have you .
mrs. pin. what 's the matter with 'em all .
[ mistress pinchwife peeping in behind . mr. pin. come , come , mr. horner , no more disputing , here 's the parson , i brought him not in vain .
hor. no sir , i 'll employ him , if this lady please .
mr. pin. how , what d' ye mean ?
spark . ay , what does he mean ?
hor. why , i have resign'd your sister to him , he has my consent .
mr. pin. but he has not mine sir , a womans injur'd honour , no more than a man's , can be repair'd or satisfied by any , but him that first wrong'd it ; and you shall marry her presently , or —
[ lays his hand on his sword. enter to them mistress pinchwife . mistriss pin. o lord , they 'll kill poor mr. horner , besides he shan't marry her , whilest i stand by , and look on , i 'll not lose my second husband so .
mr. pin. what do i see ?
alith . my sister in my cloaths !
spark . ha!
mrs. pin. nay , pray now don't quarrel about finding work for the parson , he shall marry me to mr. horner ; for now i believe , you have enough of me .
[ to mr. pinchwife . hor. damn'd , damn'd loving changeling .
mrs. pin. pray sister , pardon me for telling so many lyes of you .
har. i suppose the riddle is plain now .
lucy . no , that must be my work , good sir , hear me .
[ kneels to mr. pinchwife , who stands doggedly , with his hat over his eyes . mr. pin. i will never hear woman again , but make 'em all silent , thus —
[ offers to draw upon his wife . hor. no , that must not be .
mr. pin. you then shall go first , 't is all one to me .
[ offers to draw on hor. stopt by harcourt . har. hold —
enter sir jaspar fidget , lady fidget , lady squeamish , mrs. dainty fidget , mrs. squeamish . sir jas. what 's the matter , what 's the matter , pray what 's the matter sir , i beseech you communicate sir.
mr. pin. why my wife has communicated sir , as your wife may have done too sir , if she knows him sir —
sir jas. pshaw , with him , ha , ha , he .
mr. pin. d' ye mock me sir , a cuckold is a kind of a wild beast , have a care sir —
sir jas. no sure , you mock me sir — he cuckold you ! it can't be , ha , ha , he , why , i 'll tell you sir.
[ offers to whisper . mr. pin. i tell you again , he has whor'd my wife , and yours too , if he knows her , and all the women he comes near ; 't is not his dissembling , his hypocrisie can wheedle me .
sir jas. how does he dissemble , is he a hypocrite ? nay then — how — wife — sister is he an hypocrite ?
old la. squeam . an hypocrite , a dissembler , speak young harlotry , speak how ?
sir jas. nay then — o my head too — o thou libinous lady !
old la. squeam . o thou harloting , harlotry , hast thou don 't then ?
sir jas. speak good horner , art thou a dissembler , a rogue ? hast thou —
hor. soh —
lucy . i 'll fetch you off , and her too , if she will but hold her tongue .
[ apart to hor. hor. canst thou ? i 'll give thee —
[ apart to luc. lucy to mr. pin. pray have but patience to hear me sir , who am the unfortunate cause of all this confusion , your wife is innocent , i only culpable ; for i put her upon telling you all these lyes , concerning my mistress , in order to the breaking off the match , between mr. sparkish and her , to make way for mr. harcourt .
spark . did you so eternal rotten-tooth , then it seems my mistress was not false to me , i was only deceiv'd by you , brother that shou'd have been , now man of conduct , who is a frank person now , to bring your wife to her lover — ha —
lucy . i assure you sir , she came not to mr. horner out of love , for she loves him no more —
mrs. pin. hold , i told lyes for you , but you shall tell none for me , for i do love mr. horner with all my soul , and no body shall say me nay ; pray don't you go to make poor mr. horner believe to the contrary , 't is spitefully done of you , i 'm sure .
hor. peace , dear ideot .
[ aside to mrs. pin. mrs. pin. nay , i will not peace .
mr. pin. not ' til i make you .
enter dorilant , quack . dor. horner , your servant , i am the doctors guest , he must excuse our intrusion .
quack . but what 's the matter gentlemen , for heavens sake , what 's the matter ?
hor. oh 't is well you are come — 't is a censorious world we live in , you may have brought me a reprieve , or else i had died for a crime , i never committed , and these innocent ladies had suffer'd with me , therefore pray satisfie these worthy , honourable , jealous gentlemen — that —
[ whispers . quack . o i understand you , is that all — sir jasper , by heavens and upon the word of a physician sir , —
[ whispers to sir jasper . sir jas. nay i do believe you truly — pardon me my virtuous lady , and dear of honour .
old la. squeam . what then all 's right again .
sir jas. ay , ay , and now let us satisfie him too .
[ they whisper with mr. pinch . mr. pin. an eunuch ! pray no fooling with me .
quack . i 'le bring half the chirurgions in town to swear it .
mr. pin. they — they 'l sweare a man that bled to death through his wounds died of an apoplexy .
quack . pray hear me sir — why all the town has heard the report of him .
mr. pin. but does all the town believe it .
quack . pray inquire a little , and first of all these .
mr. pin. i 'm sure when i left the town he was the lewdest fellow in 't .
quack . i tell you sir he has been in france since , pray ask but these ladies and gentlemen , your friend mr. dorilant , gentlemen and ladies , han't you all heard the late sad report of poor mr. horner .
all lad. ay , ay , ay .
dor. why thou jealous fool do'st thou doubt it , he 's an errant french capon .
mrs. pin. 't is false sir , you shall not disparage poor mr. horner , for to my certain knowledge —
lucy . o hold —
squeam . stop her mouth —
[ aside to lucy . old la. fid. upon my honour sir , 't is as true .
[ to pinch . dayn. d'y think we would have been seen in his company —
squeam . trust our unspotted reputations with him !
old la. fid. this you get , and we too , by trusting your secret to a fool —
[ aside to hor. hor. peace madam , — well doctor is not this a good design that carryes a man on unsuspected , and brings him off safe . —
[ aside to quack . mr. pin. well , if this were true , but my wife —
[ aside [ dorilant whispers with mrs. pinch . ali. come brother your wife is yet innocent you see , but have a care of too strong an imagination , least like an overconcern'd timerous gamester by fancying an unlucky cast it should come , women and fortune are truest still to those that trust ' em .
lucy . and any wild thing grows but the more fierce and hungry for being kept up , and more dangerous to the keeper .
ali. there 's doctrine for all husbands mr. harcourt .
har. i edifie madam so much , that i am impatient till i am one .
dor. and i edifie so much by example i will never be one .
eew . and because i will not disparage my parts i 'le ne're be one .
hor. and i alass can 't be one .
mr. pin. but i must be one — against my will to a country-wife , with a country-murrain to me .
mrs. pin. and i must be a country wife still too i find , for i can't like a city one , be rid of my musty husband and doe what i list .
[ aside . hor. now sir i must pronounce your wife innocent , though i blush whilst i do it , and i am the only man by her now expos'd to shame , which i will straight drown in wine , as you shall your suspition , and the ladies troubles we 'l divert with a ballet , doctor where are your maskers .
lucy . indeed she 's innocent sir , i am her witness , and her end of coming out was but to see her sisters wedding , and what she has said to your face of her love to mr. horner was but the usual innocent revenge on a husbands jealousie , was it not madam speak —
mrs. pin. since you 'l have me tell more lyes — [ aside to lucy and horner . yes indeed budd .
mr. pin. for my own sake fain i wou'd all believe . cuckolds like lovers shou'd themselves deceive . but —
sighs — his honour is least safe , ( too late i find ) who trusts it with a foolish wife or friend . a dance of cuckolds . hor. vain fopps , but court , and dress , and keep a puther , to pass for womens men , with one another . but he who aimes by women to be priz'd , first by the men you see must be despis'd . finis .