Acteon & Diana with a pastoral storie of the nimph Oenone followed by the several conceited humours of Bumpkin the huntsman, Hobbinal the shepherd, Singing Simpkin, and John Swabber the seaman / by Rob. Cox, acted at the Red Bull with great applause. Cox, Robert, d. 1655. 1656 Approx. 92 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 31 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2003-11 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A34847 Wing C6711 ESTC R693 12241232 ocm 12241232 56778 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A34847) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 56778) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 913:9) Acteon & Diana with a pastoral storie of the nimph Oenone followed by the several conceited humours of Bumpkin the huntsman, Hobbinal the shepherd, Singing Simpkin, and John Swabber the seaman / by Rob. Cox, acted at the Red Bull with great applause. Cox, Robert, d. 1655. The second edition, with the addition of Simpleton the smith, not before extant. [2], 40 p. Printed for Edward Archer ..., London : 1656. Reproduction of original in Huntington Library. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. Gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. 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Copies of the texts have been issued variously as SGML (TCP schema; ASCII text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable XML (TCP schema; characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless XML (TEI P5, characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or TEI g elements). Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng One-act plays. English drama -- Early works to 1800. 2003-07 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2003-07 Aptara Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2003-09 Tonya Howe Sampled and proofread 2003-09 Tonya Howe Text and markup reviewed and edited 2003-10 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion Acteon & Diana ; WITH A Pastoral Storie of the Nimph OENONE : FOLLOWED By the several Conceited Humours Of Bumpkin the Huntsman . Hobbinal the Shepherd . Singing Simpkin , and Iohn Swabber the Seaman . By ROB. COX . Acted at the Red Bull with great applause . LONDON , Printed for Edward Archer , at the Adam and Eve , in Little Britain , 1656. To all the Worthy-minded GENTRY . Gentlemen , and Ladies ! IF your serious occasions will permit me so much honour , that this sleight Book may bee accepted and perused , I shall justly acknowledge the favour to be far above either my hopes or merit . And if you ever vouchsafed your Presence when it was presented on the Stage , I am confident , your ( no-way erring - ) Iudgments will now allow it , as it then was intended , which was , rather to provoke a laughter , then occasion a contemplation . It will likewise engage my grateful service , if I be not ( in your worthie opinions ) taxt of Arrogance , to present my unpolished lines , when daily those of excellence are offered to your Eies and Ears : But in the confidence of your clemencie , I submit to the verdict of my grand Iury. And how soever you are pleased to censure , will remain ( as I ought ) the humblest of your servants , ROBERT COX . Simpleton the Smith . Enter Old Simpleton solus . Sim. IF ever Dog was weary of a day , then have I cause to bee weary of my life ; I am a Blacksmith by my Trade , and ( though I say it ) I have bin accounted a good Workman , but I could never yet forge , or hammer out means enough to satisfie the insatiate gut of my son Simpleton . He will not work , and yet no sooner is his nose out of the Alehouse , but his head is in the Cupboard : His insatiate stomach may well defie a Giant , or the great Eater of Kent ; but I have thought upon a way which he shall either take in hand , or graze with Hobb my horse ; Sirrah Simpleton , where are you ? Young Simp. Within . Here , here , Father . Old Simp. Where , where , Sirrah ? Y. Sim. At the Cupboard Father , at the Cupboard . O. Sim. I thought as much ; but come you hither sirrah , or I shall make your ears sing prick song for you . Enter Young Simpleton with a great piece of bread and butter . Y. Sim. 'T is a miserable condition that a man cannot eat a little bit for his afternoons Lunchins , but he must be disturbed in the best of his stomach . O. Sim. A bit do'st thou call it , O my conscience this devouring rascal , old as I am , would eat me if he found me in the Cupboard . Y. Sim. I do not think there is such a genteel Smith in the town , that has such an old niggardly Coxcombe to his father as I , he knows I have no better a stomach then a young green-sicknesse girle , and yet he grutches me every bit I eat . O. Sim. Leave off your muttering , and lend me an ear a while . Y. Sim. Truly I cannot spare one father ; yet now I think on 't , you have great occasion for one ever since the last pillory day , but since you are my father , I will vouchsafe to listen a while . O. Sim. You know that I am old . Y. Sim. The More 's the pity , that you were not hang'd while you were young . O. Sim. Thou hast drunk most of my means away . Y. Sim. I 'le eat out the rest . O. Sim. Leave your ill breeding , and give me sensibly a reason why you will not work ? Y. Sim. Because I am lazy father . O. Sim. Nay that 's true . Y. Sim. True ; why do you think I would be so unmannerly , to tell you a lie father . O. Sim. How I shall maintein that coming stomach of yours , unlesse your self endeavour for it : I know not , but if thou wilt be ruled , I 'le make thee a man. Y. Sim. A man ! why what am I now , a mouse what would you make of me ? O. Sim. An Asse , an Asse , a grosse Asse . Y. Sim. You may well make me a grosse Asse , you have so good a pattern . O. Sim. Listen to me ; you know the widowes daughter at the corner , sweet Mistris Dorothy , shee 's both young and handsom , and has money too . Y. Sim. I , and that will help to buy victuals . O. Sim. Go and woo her , and I dare lay my life thou carriest her . Y. Sim. I carrie her , father ; alas , I have but a weak back , and besides I am somwhat lazily given , as you say , it were a great deal better that she would carrie me . O. Sim. Thou hast no more wit then my hammer head has , and no more brains then an Anvil , which every one may strike on , but never move it ; go take your Fidle , at that they say you are excellent , and when she thanks thee from her Chamber window , say thou art my son , and that I sent thee about the thing she wotes of . Y. Sim. O must I bumfiddle her under her Chamber window ; well , I will go wash my hands , and starch my face , because I may be sure to go cleanly about my businesse . Exeunt . Enter the first Gentleman . 1. Gent. A pox of fortune , she was never my friend yet ; the money that I got with so much trouble , I lost with one unlucky chance at dice. I have no meanes nor hopes left to supply me , but what my sweet-heart Dorothy affords me , she has and must again take pity of me , this is her window , I hope her mother will not hear . Hem Doll . Doll . above . Who 's that calls so boldly ; speake , what are you ? 1. Gent. Oh Doll thou knowest my fortunes , and my love last night hath broke me , and by thee my fortunes must be splintered ; one halfe piece does the businesse . Doll . How often have I peec'd you , and still you breake ; and I shall do the same if you continue thus ; you know my mother keep 's a look over my will , yet once again I le venture , come in the morning about five of the clock , and I le be ready for thee . 1. Gent. Oh my sweet Doll , thou never didst deceive me . Exit Enter Yo. Sim. with a Violl . Y. Sim. Now must I go play an Alampadoe . under Mistris Dorothy's Chamber window , and all that time perhaps she is a snorting , for to say the truth my musick will hardly have the virtue to waken her , and if she should wake , I could not tell what to say to her unless it were to desire her to go to bed again . And because I will be sure to be acceptable to her , I will joine my nightingale voyce thereunto . Enter the first Gent. 1. Gent. What slave is this presumes to court my Mistris , could I but see him , I would satisfie my anger with the ruine of his limbs , but he is gone , and I loose time in seeking Exit . Y. Sim. That was a roaring Rogue , he has made my heart jumpe upright into my mouth , and if I had not held it fast with my teeth , without doubt it had forsaken my body ; but he is gone , and now I wil venture forward . Enter the second Gent. 2. Gent. I heard some musick at my sweet-hearts window , could I but find him , I would cut him , and flash him til his whole body were anoatmized ; but he is gone , and it was his wisest course . Exit . Y. Sim. That Roaring Rouge was far worse then the tother , he has almost frighted my song out of my head . Oh! we true and faithfull lovers , what perils and dangers must we undergoe , to gain the wils and affections of our dearest deares ; but now to my musick , and because she shall take a great pleasure to think on it , I will sing a song of a young wench that had a great mind to be married before her time . Sings . Oh! mother let me have a husband kind , with toitre loytre loitre . That day and night I may comfort find of a toitre , &c. I care not whether honest man or knave , so that he keep me sine and brave , And that none else but I may have his toitre &c. Oh daughter you are not old enough for a toitre &c. And husbands often prove rough with a toitre &c. Your tender heart no griefe can carry as they must do somtimes that marry You yet may wel a twelve-month tarry for a toitre &c. Oh! mother I am in my teens for a toytre &c. And younger wifes are often seene with a toitre &c. I pray let not me so Idle stand , for I can do as well as any can . I have had a proofe with Iohn our man of his toitre &c. Well if she does not run mad for me now , it is pity she should have musick under her window , as long as she lives again . Mistris Dorothy above . Doll . What owle is that shreikes so at my window , if he meant musick sure he was mistaken , I was about to have eaten my breake-fast , but this fool has turn'd my stomack . What art thou that art so troublesome . Y. Sim. Good Mistris Dorothy , it is I , your none sweet-swotterkin , and if you please to throw your eyes out of the window upon me , you shall behold one of the faithfullest lovers that ever took hammer in hand . I love you better and deare , then a Bear does honey , and I hope you will affect me as much as a Sow does a bunch of Carrots . Doll . Oh is it you ? I thought none but a puppy like your self , would have disturbed the neighbours with your gridiron-musick , a Saw were far mor pleasing . Y. Sim. Forsooth I am very sorry that you have no better skill in musick , in my opinion I sung most melodiously , but if you will be pleased to look with eyes of judgment upon me , you will expresse your love in a better manner to me . Doll . I shal expresse my love if you continue here , in a far Worser manner then you think for ; do you see this chamber-pott , it longs to be acquainted with that trainless head of yours ; therefore be gone , and save your self a washing . Y. Sim. If you should wash me , I thinke it would be but labour in vain ; yet if you please to distill any of your sweet water upon me , I shall desire to be smelt out by you . Doll . You asse , you puppy ; must you needs force a drowning . Exit Y. Sim. Is this the begining of love ? it is almost as bad as the proverbe to me : stay , it may be it is rose-water . Voh , it is as ranke urine as ever any Doctor cast . I 'le call this same old Simpleton my father , that set me about this businesse . Oh! Father Simpleton , where are you . O. Sim. Oh mine Son , how hast thou sped boy ? Y. Sim. O! I have sped most abominably , father , I got a great deal more then I expected . O. Sim. Oh my own naturall boy ! Y. Sim. I naturall , to be sure ; I had nere come here else . O. Sim. But how did she relish thee . Y. Sim. Why she relish'd me with a whole chamber pot full of water . O. Sim. Why thou asse , thou puppy , thou fool , thou coxcombe . Y. Sim. Why ? how can I help it ▪ why you 〈◊〉 me so like a foole ▪ O. Sim. Come shew me to her , and you shall see how I will handle her . Y. Sim. Nay father , I should be loath to marry her , after you have had the handling of her . O. Sim. This is her Chamber , is it not ? Y. Sim. Yes ▪ I know it by a good token , for here she opened the sluce , and let the floodgates out upon me . O. Sim. Mistris Dorothy , Mistris Dorothy , pray come to the window . Y. Sim. Sirrah , hold your tongue . Doll . What again ? sure this whole morning is nothing but my trouble ▪ what wise-aker● is that now ? Y. Sim. She cals you wise-aker● ▪ speak now . O. Sim. I am your neighbour , Old Simpleton the Smith . Y. Sim. And I young Simpleton the Smith . Doll . Oh neighbour is it you ▪ here was your son but now , and he kept a worse noyse then a Bear-baiting ▪ but you are civill , I will come down to you . O. Sim. Looke you there sirrah , she will come downe tome , she sayes . Y. Sim. I by that time I have been a courtier as long as you have been , one woman or other may come down to me too . Enter Doll . Doll . Good morrow nieghbour , what is your business pray . O. Sim. Why it is this : this is my son . Nay it is my son , I 'le assure you . Y. Sim. Yes forsooth , he is sure I am his son ; my mother told him so . Doll . Now I looke better on him , he seems to me more handsome then before ▪ your company seasons him with discretion ▪ but what 's your business pray Sir ▪ O. Sim. Why , if you please forsooth , I would fain Joyn you two together in the way of Matrimony . Y. Sim. Yes forsooth , to mock a mariage ▪ Doll . But hold Sir , two words to a bargain ▪ what profession is your son of . Y. Sim. Forsooth I am a Blacksmith , and though I say it , I have as good working geare as any smith in the parish ▪ all my neighbours wives shal be my witness . O. Sim. Sirrah , hold your tongue . Y. Sim. Why , shall I come a wooing , and say nothing for my self ▪ Doll . But what estate I pray has your son in posse● Y. Sim. Father , what estate have I in a posset . O Sim. Forsooth , two Cowes you shal have with him . Y. Sim. With a calfe to my knowledge . O. Sim. Four ewes and lambs , and a horse to ride to market on . Y. Sim. Yes , and a ● no , now I think on it , you may keep your asse your selfe . O. Sim. Four marke in money . Y. Sim. Doo you marke that . O. Sim. With a bed and blankets . Y. Sim. And then we may daunce the shaking of the sheets when we can . Doll . These promises are faire , and if performed , I hope I shall not need repent my bargain . Y. Sim. Nor I neither , come let 's to bed presentlie , and afterwards wee 'l talk on it . Doll . No , no , first to Church , and then to bed . Y. Sim. Oh then you won't follow the fashion of our countrey , we commonly go to bed first , and to Church when we can , but come I am contented . Exeūt Musick . Enter the First Gent. and second , meeting . 1. Gent. How now friend , what make you hereabouts ? 2. Gent. My business is the same , I thinke , with yours ; is it not for Dorothy ? 2. Gent. I do confesse it , and have known what love you long have born her ; let us go together . Enter Old Sim. Young Sim. and Doll . 1. Gent. Stand close , what meanes this ? Here comes the bride and bridegroome on so stately , That were but maid and batchelour so lately . And now let all the Blacksmithes be invited , Cause Vulcan and his Venus are united . 1. Gent. What should this mean , Doll has a hat on ? She did not use to weare one . Enter Doll . Doll . Oh gentlemen ! though I desire your company , yet now I heartily could wish your absence . 1. Gent. Why , what 's the matter Doll ? Doll . I am married . 2. Gent. To whom ? Doll . Do you not know him ? Young Simpleton the Smith . 1. Gent. That fool , that Coxcombe ; I 'le break his hammer with his own jolt-head . Doll . Stand close , I hear him coming . Enter Young Simpleton . Y. Sim. Sweet-heart now we are married , things ought to be well carried . And the first thing we should take care for , is how to get victuals , what 's that ? They whistle . Doll . Nothing but the Rats and Mice . Y. Sim. As sure as I live , I 'le lay a trap for those Rats . But what 's the matter now ? They hem . Doll . Nothing but the Neighbours Dogs . Y. Sim. 'T is a thousand pities but such Currs were hang'd up presently . Exit Sim. Doll . Oh Gentlemen ! I would you were out of the house , for I am afraid hee will return again ere I can handsomly shut the door . Y. Sim : within . Why Doll , Doll . Doll . Come yee behinde me presently , I pray dispatch . Enter Young Simpleton . Y. Sim. Doll : I have considered , that to set up my trade is the way to get victuals , and I wont nothing of my tools but onely a pair of Bellows . Doll . Fear not husband , I have a little mony that you know not of , and if I can but hear of a good bargain , I will not fail to buy a pair of Bellows . Y. Sim. Oh thou prettie loving kinde pigsnie , but what makes thee wear thy coats of She spreads her coats . that fashion . Doll . Do not you know husband , it is the fashion for new-married wives . Y. Sim. Is it so ? it is an excellent fashion in the Summer time ; but I 'le go out and return presently . Exit Y. Sim. Doll . What will you do ? 't is ten to one he spies you , and then my reputation runs a hazard . 1. Gent. Appoint what way you will , we are contented . Doll . I see him coming back ; and truth to say , the course I shall advise will seem a strange one , yet it must be : you know he did appoint that I should buie for him a pair of Bellows ; now if you two can bear it lustily , and blow it strongly , this visit may be kept off from his knowledge . 1. Gent. Nay any thing good Doll , we cannot now be choosers . Doll . So , lie down : I 'le fetch a Chafingdish of Charcoal hither , and practice you a while before he come . Exit Doll . 1. Gent. I have plaid many a mad prank in my life , yet ne're till now acted a pair of Bellows . Enter Doll . She practises them . Doll . So , so , blow lustily and fear not . Enter Young Simpl. Y. Sim. Wife : I have considered with my self , that if we lay out all the money in a pair of Bellows , we should have little or nothing left to buy victualls . Doll . Oh husband ! you are deceived ; for I have bought you a pair of Bellows , the whole town shews not a neater . Y. Sim. Is this a pair of Bellows , let me see ? this is an alamoda pair of Bellows , but look you Doll ; when the Bellows-mender comes by , let him stop this hole here , for the winde comes out abominably . I 'le call my Father Simpleton to see this pair of Bellows . Father , father , come hither . Enter Old Simpl. Y. Sim. Did you ever see such a pair of Bellows as my wife has bought . O. Sim. A pair of Bellows , Son ! me thinks this would serve better for an Anvill : Let 's trie how it will bear our stroaks . Y. Sim. Well , a match . FINIS . ACTAEON AND DIANA ▪ WITH A Pastorall Story of the Nymph OENONE ; Followed By the several conceited humors Of Bumpkin , the Huntsman . Hobbinall , the Shepheard . Singing Simpkin . And Iohn Swabber , the Sea-man . Printed at London by T. Newcomb , for the use of the Author ROBERT COX . To all the Worthy-minded GENTRY . Gentlemen , and Ladies , IF your serious occasions will permit me so much honour , that this slight Book may be accepted and perused , I shall justly acknowledge the favour to be farre above either my hopes or merit . And if you ever vouchsafed your Presence when it was presented on the Stage , I am confident , your ( no way erring ) judgements will now allow it as it then was intended , which was , rather to provoke a laughter , then occasion a contemplation . It will likewise engage my gratefull service if I be not ( in your worthy opinions ) taxt of Arrogance to present my unpolished lines , when daily those of excellence are offered to your Eyes and Ears : But in the confidence of your clemency , I submit to the verdict of my grand Iury. And howsoever you are pleased to censure , will remain ( as I ought ) the humblest of your servants , ROBERT COX ▪ ACTAEON and DIANA . The names of the Persons . Actaeon . Three Huntsmen . Bumpkin , an inferior . Diana . Five Nymphs . Three Countrey Wenches . ACTEON & DIANA . Enter the first Huntsman , and Bumpkin very Melancholy . 1. Hunt. BUt tell me fellow Bumpkin , what 's the matter ? Thou that hast formerly been heard to sing As merily and sweetly as the Cuckowe , But by the posture thou dost now appear in , Strangers will sooner take thee for an Asse , Then for a man of mettle . Bumpkin . It may be so . And for my owne part , I am not such a fool , to think the contrary ; nay , I would change condition with an Asse , and thank him too : never was any man ( of parts ) so tumbled , Jumbled and Rumbled , as poor Bumpkin is . 1. Hunt. Why what 's the matter ? Bumpkin . Nay , I know not , but every day my great guts and my small guts makes such a combustion in my belly as passes , and my puddings ( like Lances ) runs a tilt at my heart , and makes me as queasie stomackt as a young Green-sickness girl newly come to a big belly . 1. Hunt. Canst thou not guess the reason of this trouble . Bump. Yes , I think I can , and I le be judged by thee , if my case bee not desperate : I have a horrible minde to be in Love. 1. Hunt. With whom . Bump. With any body , but I cannot find out the way how to be in Love. 1. Hunt. Why ? I le instruct thee : canst thou be Melancholly ? Bump. Yes , as a dog , or a hoglouse , I could even finde in my heart , to cry presently . 1. Hunt. Canst thou sleep well ? Bump. I cannot tell , I never saw my self sleep . 1. Hunt. Is 't possible , that thou who hast so long Been an attendant on my Lord Acteon . Shouldst be to learn the way to be in Love. Bump. I would it were not possible , on the condition thou wert hanged and quartered . 1. Hunt. I thank you Sir , but Bumpkin list to me , This day thou knowest the maids and youngmen meet To sport , and revell it about the May-pole ; Present thy self there , tell thy cause of grief , And I dare warrant thee a sweet-heart presently . Hump. If thou canst do that , I le marry her first , and learn to love her afterwards . 1. Hunt. Hast thither Bumpkin , I le go on before . Exit . Bump. And I will follow there a dog trot . Is it not pitty , that a man of Authority as I am , having been chief dog-keeper to my Lord Acteon this five years , being a man so comely of person , and having such a pure complexion , that all fair Ladyes may be ashamed to look on me , and that I should be distressed for a sweet-heart : Maypole I com , & if the wenches there increas my pains And scorn to Love , I le beat out all their braines . Exit . Enter the Huntsmen , with three Country Wenches , as they come in , they sing this song . SONG . 1. Country Wench . COme you youngmen , come along . With your Musique , dance and song ; Bring your Lasses in your hands , For 't is that which Love commands : Then to the Maypole come away , For it is now a Holiday . It is the choice time of the year , For the Vi'lets now appear ; Now the Rose receives its birth , And prettie Primrose decks the earth : Then to the Maypole come away , For it is now a Holiday . Here each Batchelor may chuse One that will not saith abuse , Nor repay with coy disdain , Love , that should be lov'd again : Then to the Maypole , &c. And when you well reckoned have , What kisses you your sweethearts gave , Take them all again , and more , It will never make them poor : Then to the Maypole , &c. When you thus have spent the time , Till the day be past its prime , To your beds repaire at night , And dream there of your dayes delight : Then to the Maypole come away , For it is now a Holiday . 2. Co. Wench . It is possible , would Bumpkin be in Love ? 1. Hunt. Yes , if he knew but how , and for that sicknes I have undertaken to become his doctor ; For , at the Maypole meeting 't is decreed A sweet heart must be purchast , come what will on 't . 3. Co. Wench . Nay , if he be distressed , twenty to one he may find charitable persons there . 1. Co. Wench . What Lasse to such a writhled fac'd companion ; One that by 's looks , shewes that his fathers orchard Could yield no fruit , but Crabs or Apple-Johns : Should he be granted a prevailing suitor , I should not think it requisite or fitting Women hereafter should enjoy their eyes ; Their very tongues too should be put to silence , Onely allowed to rail at that vile person , Who by her choice of him , sham'd the whole sex . 2. Co. Nay , I would lay a heavier curse upon her , She should not sleep without a wanton dream , And waking find no hopes of what she dream'd . 2. Hunt. That was a heavie curse and well consider'd , But could you find our fellow Bumpkins parts . 3. Co. Wench . He can loose none , and who can finde them then . 3. Hunt. Do you beleeve him foolish . 1. Co. Wench . It is a faith that needs no confirmation . 1. Hunt. Laugh at him then , and wee 'l assist you in 't ; but do 't with Consideration . 2. Co. Wench . So we will , — hark Lasses . They whisper . 2. Hunt. Now if they be not hatching Eggs of mischief , let me be counted addle , what think you sirs ? Country Wenches Laugh , Ha ha ha , 1. Co. Wench . And if he have not love enough , good Cupid , Let me want Love when look't for . 2. Co. Wench . In the mean time Let us not starve our pastimes , pray sirs , Being the Maypole revels . 3. Hunt. So we will ; Come strike up a farewell to misfortune . Enter Bumpkin . Bump. That 's a dance that I could never hit off , Pray desist a while and hear my dolefull tale . 1. Co. Wench . Hee 'l make us cry sure . Bump. Be it known unto all men by these presents 2. Co. Wench . An obligation ; wee 'l be no witnesses . Bump. Why then I le hang my self ? 3. Co. Wench . We will be witness then . Bump. What to my hanging ? O my conscience ! If I should woo my heart out , I should never be the fatter , for it . — where 's your promise now ? 1. Hunt. You have not yet exprest your self , be plain , Tell them your grief , a remedy will follow . Bump. If that be all , 't is but an easie matter , pray take notice that I am in Love — with somebody . 2. Co. Wench . Would I were she ! Bump. Why ? so you are , if you have a minde to 't 2. Co. Wench . Why then you are my own ? 3. Co. W. Pardon me , sister , I They all hang about him . bespake him yesterday . goes to her Bump Yes marry did she . 1. Co. Wench . But I was she that won him at the Maypole . 2. Co. Wench . Was that the cause you strove so for the Garland . Bump. What 's that to you ? Goes to her . Would I had any one of them in quietness . 3. Co. Wench . But yet I must have share . 1. Co. Wench . So must I too . All put him . 2. Co. Wench . I will not part without the better half . Bump. Then who shall have me whole , what are you mad ? 3. Co. Wench . There 's reason for a madness in this case . 1. Co. Wench . I will not lose my right . Let go I say . 2. Co. Wen. He shall be mine , or else he shall be nothing . Bumpkin . Away you Burrs , why do you stick thus on me ? Now by this hand , if nothing can perswade you I le drown my self for spight that you may perish . ( Horn. ) 1. Hunt. Hark , hark , my Lord Acteons warning piece , That Horne gives us intelligence he does intend To spend this day in hunting , Bumpkin , why stay you ? The hounds will quarrell with you , wee 'l come after . 1. Co. Wench . Will you not stay my Love. Bump. I le see you hang'd first , and by this hand ere I will be in love again , I le feed my hounds with my own proper carcase . Exit . 2. Co. Wench . Now he is gon , our dancing may go forward . 2. Hunt. My Lord Acteon stayes , be quick , I pray . 3. Co. Wench . Quick as you will , the doing of it quick makes it shew better . A Country dance , Then Exeunt . Enter Acteon and Bumpkin . Acteon ▪ ARe all the hounds uncoupled , let the woods , Vallies , and hils , be fild with their sweet musick : Till the thick Aire pierc't by their harmony , Return a willing Ecchoe ; Let your cunning And care in this dayes hunting be exprest , To make the world know that Acteons pleasure , Is honoured and obeyed , be nimble sirrah . Bump. Nimble ? yes , as a Bear that hath been lug'd to purpose : if Love be such a troublesome Companion , I will intreat him to keep out of my company . Acteon . Where are your fellows ? we consume the day That should be spent in sport , with idleness . Go find them out , and tell them of my purpose . Enter the three Huntsmen . Bump. They have sav'd me a labour . Acteon . Fie ! what mean you ? The glory of this day calls us to action : The wild inhabitans of these fair woods , Are to be instructed , they must fear our Javelins , Our sloath will make them careless . 1. Hunt. Sir , you may please to know , that yesternight I lodg'd a Boar within the neighbouring Forrest . Bump. Yes Sir , and I lodg'd a Fox at a house hard by . Hunt. His foamy tushes did proclaim defiance To all that would oppose him , his vast length And breadth of wonder , caus'd me to beleeve These woods nere bred his equall . Acteon . He 's then a worthy subject for my javelin , Whose glittering head I le bath so long within him , Till I have dy'd it Crimson with his blood ; Nor shall Diana's self , who every day Honours these woods with her fair train of Nymphs , Have power to ravish from my resolute arm , The glory of this conquest : in the mean time , Let musicks sweet tunes in our breasts create Desire of Acteon , whilst our active Feet , Nimbly beguiles our duller thoughts of power To contradict our pleasures : in the fall Of this wild Boar , lies honour for us all . A dance with Acteon and his Huntsmen . Exeunt . A dance of Diana and her Nymphs , in the later end of which Acteon and his Huntsmen joyn with them , upon which Diana sayes , Diana . This boldness ruines thee . Exit ▪ Act. I le follow though my ruine do attend me , Exeunt . Enter Diana and her Nymphs . Diana . The unbridled boldness of Acteons youth , Merits a punishment to equalize The nature of his crime ; sawcy young man , Too much presuming of thy known deserts , Be witness you that have vowd chastitie , How much he hath endeavoured to eclipse The glory of our puritie ; for to me And those that are my Votaries , honors precepts Must strictly be observed ; no Balm can cure The wound of Reputation when 't is made Upon those bosoms that are vowd to vertue . Shall she resolve his ruine ? 1. Nymph . Gracious Madam , Mercy with chastity and beauty joyn'd , Are both with Gods and Men in estimation , And though his fault beyond expression great , Cries lowdly on your wrath to execute , Yet let his youth find pardon . 2. Nymph . It will prove your charity unequalled . Diana . Your goodness shall Become example to my willing pitie : Therefore if young Acteon from this time , Consider his own safety and my honor , My vengeance shall be silent ; but if agen He shall presume to tempt his most sad fate , Ruine as quick as lightning shal demolish What Nature did erect in him for wonder , That so from men this truth may not be hid , No one must covet what the Gods forbid : Undress you now , for by this fountain side . Our garments from our bodies wee 'l divide . Enter Acteon . Acteon . What wonders do I gaze on ? Might I thus Be feasted at my eyes till time grow old , I would not wish a satisfaction Of any other sense : — Unkind Diana , To be so much a miser of thy beauties . Loves laws can not be perfect , till they part Rebellion from the confines of thy heart . Diana . We are betraid ! Oh Chastity defend us . Acteon . T was but a flattring bliss that did me cherish . Fly , fly , Acteon , lest thy life do perish . Exit . Di. Fool ! thinkst thou to escape ? Know that my will Has power to reach , though thou bestrid'st a wind , And as by hunting thy offence grew high , So by the hands of Hunters thou shalt die . My will prevails , his head is circled round , The largest Hart ere beat the Forrest ground . And now forbear this fountain from henceforth , Let my dishonour dwell upon the Spring , The waters be corrupted , choakt with mud , Foul and infectious , like to Lethes flood . Exeunt . A Dance . Where Acteon comes transformed into the shape of a Hart , his Huntsmen pursue him , and in the conclusion kill him , and bear him away . Singing Simpkin . The Names of the Persons . Simpkin , a Clown . Bluster , a Roarer . An old Man. His Wife . A Servant . Enter the wife , Simpking following . Wife . BLind Cupid hath made my heart for to bleed , Fa la , la , la , la , la , la , la , la. Simp. But I know a man can help you at need , With a fa la , la , la , la , fa , la , la , la , la , la. Wife . My husband he often a hunting goes out , Fa la , la , &c. Simp. And brings home a great pair of horns there 's no doubt ; with a fa la , la , la , &c. VVife . How is 't Monsieur Simkin , why are you so sad ? Fa la , la , la , &c. Simp. I am up to the ears in love , and it makes me stark mad , with a fa la , la , la , &c. I am vext , I am tortur'd , and troubled at heart , Fa la , la , &c. VVife . But I le try my skill to take off your smart , With a fa la , la , &c. And on that condition I give you a kiss , Fa la , la , &c. Simp. But what says your husband when he hears of this ? with a fa la , la , &c. VVife . You know my affection , & no one knows more , With a fa la , la , &c. Knock within . Simp. ' Uds niggers noggers who knocks at the door ? with a fa la , la , &c. Enter Servant . The tune alters . Serv. There is a Royster at the door , he seems a Fellow stout . Sim. I beseech you worthy friend , which is the back way out ? Serv. He swears and tears he will come in , And nothing shal him hinder . Exit Servant . Simp. I fear hee 'l strip me out my skin . And burn it into tinder . VVife . I have consider'd of a way , and t will be sure the best . Simp. What may it be my dearest Dear ? VVife . Creep into this same Chest. A chest set out . And though he roar , speak you no word , If you 'l preserve my favour . Simp. Shut to the chest , I pray , with speed , For something has some savour . Enter Bluster . Blust. I never shal be quiet if she use me in this fashion . Wife . I am here to bid you welcom ; what mean you by this passion ? Blust. With some young sweet-fac'd fellow I thought gone out you were . Simp. in the chest . No sooth , the sweet-fac'd fellow is kept a prisoner here . Blust. Where is the foole thy husband ? Say , whither is he gone ? Wife . The Wittall is a hunting . Blust. Then we two are alone : But should he come And find me here , what might the Cuckold think ? Perhaps hee 'd call the neighbours in , Simp. And beat you till you stink . Blust. Yet in the bloody war full oft , My courage I did try . Wife . I know you have kild many a man. Simp. You lie , you slut , you lie . Blust. I never came before a foe , By night nor yet by day , But that I stoutly rouz'd my self , Simp. And nimbly ran away . Blust. Within this chest I le hide my self , If it chance he should come . Wife . O no my love , that cannot be , Simp. I have bespoke the room . Wife . I have a place behind here , Which yet is known to no man. Simp. She has a place before too , But that is all to common . Old man within . Old man. Wife , wherefore is the door thus bar'd ? what mean you pray by this ? Wife . Alas ! it is my husband . Sim. I laugh now till I piss . Blust. Open the chest , I le into it , My life else it may cost . Wife ▪ Alas I cannot open it . Simp. I beleeve the key is lost . Wife . I have bethought my self upon a dainty trick . Blust. What may it be my dearest love ? I prethee now be quick . Wife . You must say that your enemy Into this house is fled , And that your heart can take no rest , Untill that he be dead . Draw quickly out your furious blade , And seem to make a strife . Swear all th'excuses can be made , Shall not preserve his life . Say that the Rogue is fled in here , That stole away your coin , And if I le not deliver him , You 'l have as much of mine . Blust. Here 's no man but my self , On whom shall I complain ? Wife . This great fool does not understand , This thing you must but faign . My husband thus must be deceiv'd , and afterwards wee 'l laugh . Enter old man. Old man. Wife , since you will not ope the door , I le break 't ope with my staff . Blust. Good woman shew me to the slave , His limbs I strait wil tear . Wife . By all the honestly I have , There 's no man came in here . Blust. When I have fought to purchase wealth , And with my blood did win it , This Rogue has got my purse by stealth . Simp. But never a peny in it . Old man. She 's big with child , therefore take heed you do not fright my wife . Blust. But know you who the Father is ? Simp. The Roarer on my life . Old man. She knows not of your enemy , then get you gone you were best . Wife . Peace husband , peace , I tell you true , I have hid him in the chest . Old man. I am glad on 't at my heart , but doe not tell him so . VVife . I would not for a thousand pound the Roarer should it know . Blust. When next we meet his life is gone , no other must he hope ; I le kill him whatsoere comes on 't , Simp. Pray think upon a rope . Old man. What kind of person is it that in the chest does lie ? VVife . A goodly hansome sweet young man , as ere was seen with eye . Old man. Then let us both entreat of him — Pray put us not in fear : we do beseech you go from hence . Blust. But to morrow I le be here . Exit Blust. Old man. Wife , run with all the speed you can , and quickly shut the dore , I would not that the roaring man should come in any more . Mean time I wil release the youth , and tell him how we have sped . — Be comforted my honest friend . Simpkin comes forth . Simp. Alas I am almost dead , my heart is tortur'd in my breast with sorrow , fear and pain . Old man. I le fetch some Aqua vitae , to comfort you again . Simp. And cause I will requite you , VVhose love doth so excell , I le graft a pair of horns on your head , That may defend it well . VVife . Good husband , let the man stay here , 'T is dang'rous in the street . Old man. I would not for a crown of gold , The Roarer should him meet . For should he come by any harm , They'd say the fault were mine . VVife to Simpkin . There 's half a crown , pray send him out to fetch a quart of wine . Simp. There 's money for you Sir , — Pray fetch a quart of Sack. Old man. 'T is well , 't is well , my honest friend , I le see you shall not lack . VVife . But if he should dishonest me , For there are such slipp'ry men . Old man. Then he gets not of his half crown One peny back agen . Exit . Simp. Thy husband being gone my love , VVee 'l sing , wee 'l dance , and laugh , I am sure he is a good fellow , And takes delight to quaff . VVife . I 'le fold thee in my arms my love , No matter for his listning . The Old man and his servant listen . Simp. Gentlemen , some forty weeks hence You may come to a Christning . Old man. O sirrah , have I caught you , Now do the best you can , Your Schoolmaster nere taught you To wrong an honest man. Sim. Good sir , I never went to Schole , Then why am I abused ? The truth is , I am but a foole , And like a fool am used . Old man. Yet sirrah you had wit enough to think to Cuckold me . VVife . I jested with him , husband , his knavery to see . Simp. But now you talk of knaverie , I pray where is my Sack ? Old man. You shall want it in your belly , Sir , And have it on your back . They beat him off . Exeunt . Here follow the Rurall sports on the Birth-day of the Nymph Oenone . The Names of the Persons . Two Shepheards in love with Oenone . Amintas Dorilas Two other Shepheards . Strephon Dorus A Rustick Swain , conceited that Oenone is enamored of him . Hobbinall God Pan. Satyres . Oenonee . Amarillis . Cloris ▪ Phillis . Enter Dorilas , as coming to the place where Oenones Birth-day is to be celebrated . Dorilas . THis is the place , the way me thought was long , And my slow pace did my affection wrong . For who is he that would not wing his hast , When by Oenone's eys he shall be grac'd . Most potent Shepherdess who hast power t' enthrall Not only my poor heart alone , but all . For every one that reigns here , strives to be Rather her captive , then at liberty . Her eys do perfectly two Suns present , And yet but one graces the Firmament , The colour of her lips doth justly show Like that of Cheries when they kindly grow And such a form they have , they may entice To think such only grew in Paradice . The Lambs are fatter that by her do feed , And all her Ewes more frequently do breed Then any Shepherds , and do yeild each year A larger fleece then any others bear ; As if she brought a miracle to pass , And fed them with her looks more then the grass . If then she will ( when other Shepherds stand To beg a favour from her eys or hand ) Esteem me most , my poor heart then will be Taught the true sense of a felicitie . But soft , — me thinks from yonder grove I hear Voyces that are familiar to my ear , I le not go to them ; for Love says my duty Is to attend none but Oenone's beauty . Exit . A Dialogue sung between Dorus the Shepherd , and Cloris the Shepherdess . Cloris . YOu have forgot then ( Dorus ) your protest . Dor. No , I have not my Cloris , 't is confest . Clor. But yet I saw you slide , a Garland neatly ty'd Into Uranias ' hand ; let it suffice , Though Love be blind , Lovers have many eys . Dor. Will you appear so strangely full of passion ? Clor. I have cause to fear dissembled love's in fashion . Dor. Then why did you , I pray , With Strephon sport and play ? You kist and danc'd , till day was past its prime , And all the while my heart did beat the time . Clor. May I not dance , or harmlesly be kist ? Dor. So I may chance give garlands if I list . Clor. But when you are so free , Me thinks you steal from me . For every Lover will this Text approve , There 's charity in all things but in love . Dor. That day the storm fell to be true you swore , Clo. When the sun shin'd agen , you vowd much more . Dor. Those faithfull vows I made , were by yourself betraid : For I have learn'd to know it is my due , To be no constanter in love then you . Chorus . Then jealousies be gone , and keep my sheep , Lest that the Wolf should make their number small , But of my love nothing command shall keep But Cloris will , and Cloris will is all . Enter Amintas and Dorilas . Amint. Shepheard , thy love is most unnatural : For Nature does command friendships observance , But by the fond desires thy heart is fild with , Thou prov'st thy self ungratefull . Dor. That Character was never coveted , Nor must I wrong my innocence so much , Not to demand a reason of this slander . Amin. I will produce the truth thou wouldst profess , A witness 'gainst thy self : How oft have I With care and industry preserv'd thy flock ? And when thy tender Lambs have been in danger , How many times have I opos'd the wolf , And made my strength defender of their weakness ? And when thy self hast follow'd idle pastimes , Thy Flocks and mine have still been twin'd together , Till by my vigilance I have instructed The enemies to Shepherds and their Flocks . They were to fear me , as thy sheep did them . Nor have I had a thought ( except those dear ones That have been busied by Oenone's vertues ) Which has not stil paid tribute to thy friendship . Dor. You then would have prerogative in love , And leave no priviledge to me but friendship , If you allow Oenone vertuous . , And that her eys have power to pierce all hearts , Why should the man which you will call a friend , Be banisht from the blest socitie Of those who are her servants ? 'T were a crime Against her beautie to beleeve she should Merit but one mans service ; he which reigns here , I know must love , and that necessitie Makes rivals necessarie . Streph. T is a truth I must acknowledg , pardon me my friend , I find the Nymph Oenone is too worthy ; Yet her perfections ( were they centupled ) Shall not dissolve , nor in the least diminish What has bin formerly esteem'd a triumph , Which is , a perfect frindship . Dor. In that confidence Thus we unite agen — But who comes here ? Entr Hobbinall with a paper in his hand . Streph. 'T is Hobbinall , One that beleeves 't is but Oenone's dutie Directly to confess her selfe beholding To him for his affection : he supposes That his deserts are greater then her beauties , And is as confident the fair Nymph loves him , As we are that she does not ; yet his fortune Is more to be commeded then our fate ; For she is pleas'd to smile at his rude actions , The best of our endeavours are not valued . Dor. What paper 's that he ruminates upon ? Let us observe a little . Hob. 'T is a strange thing I find my self out everie day more then other , to be one of the understandingst , sweetest , neatest , and compleatest Shepherds that ever took hook in hand . Tother day I saw my face in a pail of water , and I had much adoe to forbear drowning of my self : 't is no wonder then , that the beauteous Nymph Oenone makes much of me , and lets all the other Shepherds shake their ears like Asses ; And the truth is , if I can find never a handsomer she shall serve the turn . This was her birth-day , she being born in the year — one thousand six hundred , — nay hold a little ; but on this day of the month it was , Winter or Summer , in the honour of which we all keep holiday ; and therefore for the credit of her beauty , and the honor of my own Poetry , have made such a Copie of Verses on her , as will make her a thousand times handsomer then ever she was in her life . — I will peruse them now with the eys of understanding . He reads . OEnone fair , whose Beauty does enrich us , Tell me the cause why thou dost so bewitch us . On this day thou wert born , though not begotten , This day I le think on when th' art dead & rotten . And though thy coyness and thy pretty scorn Makes many wish that thou hadst nere been born . Yet for my own part this I le swear and say , I wish thy time of Birth were every day . If she do not run mad for love of me now , 't is pitie she should have Verses made on her as long as she lives . Streph. Let 's interrupt him — Hobbinall well met . Hob. It may be so . Dor. But why so strange man ? I hope you will remember we are your fellow Shepherds . Hob. You were once , but now I command you to know , I am a Master Shepherd ; for the fair Nymph Oenone , that makes all your mouths run over with water , does acknowledge me to be both Master and Mistresse . Streph. In part 't is true , yet if you well consider , she makes you but her sport , no otherwise . If she make me her sport , 't is more then ever she can make of thee : for thou art one of the sowrest lookt fellows that ever crept out of a vineger-bottle . Enter Oenone . Dor. Here comes the fairest Idae ever nourisht . Hob. I will accost her . Streph. Forbear a while good Hobbinall . Oenone . It was my fault . To be so credulous ; but 't was his sin To be so lavish of his protestations . Oh Paris , Paris , thy inconstant nature Argues the fickleness which Poets fansie In women , but a Fiction . I that have formerly acknowledg'd thee The onely person meriting respect , Must now produce this thy particular falshood , As one to dare example ; let no more The Shepherds be at strife to please Oenone , Let every Maypole-meeting every feast , Be honor'd by a happier Nymph then I , To be the Mistress of those harmless pastimes . Dor. Hail to the Nymph that graces Idaes vale , Accept my service at this dayes solemnity . Streph. And if the same from me can be accepted , nothing so pleasing is as to present it . Hob. I , you may talk as finely as you wil , but when I come to speak once , I 'm sure you will be kickt off . Oen. What you profess may wel claim an acceptance . Hob. Now wil I see who is the most deserving Shepherd in all the vale of Idae — little rogue , howdost thou ? Oenone . O Hobbinall , you are welcome , I thought you had forgot me , you are my sport , and should be ever neer me . Hob. Look you there , I am her sport she says ; when will she give any of you such an honorable title : but Sport , I do not think but thou art a Conjurer , or a Witch , or a Divell at least ; for thou hast infused such a combustion of Poetry in my head , that I fear I shall never be my own man agen , nor my Masters neither . — There 's a Copie of verses , read 'um ; nay , they are my own , as sure as my name 's Hobbinall . Oenone . I thank you Sport , I le study a requitall . Enter Amintas , Dorus , Amarillis , Cloris , and Phillis . Amintas . Fair one , we come to celebrate this day With other Shepherds who admire and joy , To know so fair acreature as your self At this time of the year made the world happy . Phil. And we as bound to honour you ( the fairest ) that ever grac't our sex , are come to attend upon your recreations . Oenone . Your expressions , ( As they cause blushes ) do exact a thanks . Dor. Honour me With your fair hand , Nymph , that I may lead The way to all those pastimes which will follow . Oenone . The honor is to me , and I accept it . Hob. I d'e laugh at that , no Sport , I le dance with thee my self . Oenone . Some other time , By chance I may be at leasure . Hob. Will you not ? well , by this hand then I le stand out and laugh at every thing you do , right or wrong . A dance . Pshaw waw , this dancing is like my mothers Mares trot , Sport , shall I shew thee a dance of my own fashion ? Oenone . It cannot but content . Hob. Nay , I know that , hark hither , Lads . Ex. Hob. Str. Oenone . Thus I beguile my passion , shadowing over With a false vail of mirth , my reall sorrows ; For when time takes an end , not all the stories Which ever did lament forsaken Lovers , Shall shew a parallell to my misfortune . My griefs shall stay , when all my joys depart , And nothing but sad thoughts shall fill my heart . Hobbinall and the Shepherds dance a Morris . Hob. How like you this Sport : Oenone . Beyond Expression , Sport , I see your Vertues were conceal'd too long ▪ Hob. I so they were , but I mean to shew them every day as fast as I can . But sirrah , Sport , yonder 's God Pan , with a company of the bravest Satyrs that ever wore horns on their heads : come , Shepherds , let 's go make them drunk , and saw off all their horns . Exit . Enter Pan. Pan. Hail to that Nymph that graces Idaes Vale , VVhose beauty adds a Lustre to all those That doe acknowledge Pan as their chief Patron . Not any Satyr henceforth for thy sake , Shall own the nature he was bred withall . But all their actions shall be like thy beautie , Smooth and delightful , and when thou commandst , Sweet Philomel shall quite forget her Rape , And overcome with joy that thou art present , Joyn with the other birds in cheerfull notes . The very trees shall entertain no whisper From the rude winds , but what shall please thy ear , And when thou speak'st the beasts shall dance more nimbly , Then when the Thracian Orpheus charm'd their senses . And every object that can yeeld delight , Shall be Oenones vassall : in the mean time , I , and those Satyrs that attend my person , Will move in dance , to let Oenone find , She can make gentle a rough Satyrs mind . Oenone . Since my weak fortune knows no retribution , But my weak thanks , accept them , being presented . Pan. Approach then Satyrs , and let each one strive To express the service due unto Oenone . A dance of Satyrs . Oenone . Now honor me to grace my Bower a while , Where I will strive to let my Patron prove , How fain I would be gratefull to his love . Exeunt . Here followes the Humor of Iohn Swabber . The Names of the Persons : Two Gentlemen . Francisco , Gerard , Iohn Swabber , a Seaman . Cutbeard , a Barber . Parnell , John Swabbers wife . Two or three neighbours wives . Enter Francisco , Gerard , severally . Ger. FRancisco , well met ; whither in such hast ? Fran. I am going to a feast ; where , if you please , you shall be welcom too . Ger. I am willing to believe you , and will wait on you . Fran. I le promise you a dish of mirth , that 's all , and if my hopes delude me not , well drest too , so quaintly relisht , that it will provoke a laughter farre above thy spleen to suffer . Ger. How can these times afford such entertainment ? Fran. Why , I le inform you : 'T was yesterday my luck to be incountred by a rustick Sea-man , ( or one at leastwise of as course condition . ) This fellow , like a perfect son of folly , began to rail extreamly at his fortune , and needs would make me Judge of his abuse . — I have ( sayes he ) about some two years since , married a wife , ( wo worth the time I saw her ) and in my absence she hath got a trick to make me Cuckold whether I will or no ; a barbarous Barber makes a beast of me , Cutbeard his name , whom I do vow to be the cut-throat of . Ger. I know the fellow well , he lives close by ; but on I pray . Fran. I finding that his humor might produce something worth laughing at , encouraged him ; he like a bladder that is sweld with blowing , was straight puft up into a desperate humor , so that he vowed this day for a revenge : And hereabout I am to meet this Hercules . Ger. It cannot chuse but produce excellent mirth , which I le assist with all my best endeavours . Enter John Swabber , armed with a sword , a gun , a spit , a pair of tongs , and other ridiculous weapons . Fran. See , he is come loden with several instruments of death ; he means to play a prize with him , I think , — Well Iohn , I see you are prepared for murder ; have mercy on the Barber , I say . Swab. No , I scorn it , I wil have no mercy , he has made a whore of a wondrous honest woman , and a Cuckold of one , that for ought I know , might have been a Courtier . For which abominable deed I scorn to shew my self a Christian ; for I do mean to use him worse then a Jew would . Fran. Nay , but consider , he 's a man how-ere , and you can boast your self to be no more , although you have the spirit of a Giant ; you have brought weapons here as if you meant to kill him twenty times . Troth t is too much . Swab. If I bate him an Ace of forty , call me Coxcomb , I will draw his teeth one by one , with an instrument called a pair of Tongs , then let him blood in the right vein , and bid the Divell take him at his own perill . Fran. Let me prevail with thee to calm thy rage , and take acquaintance of this Gentleman a worthy friend of mine . Swab. Do you long to be acquainted with me , Sir ? Ger. By any means , Sir. Swab. T is granted then ; I le toss a Can or a Pot with you , as soon as I have dispatch't this bawdy Barber ; would he were dead that my business might be over . Ger. What 's your profession Sir ? and how may I call you ? Swab. I am a Seaman , Sir , my name 's Iohn Swabber — an Officer of the ship , sir. Ger. I cry you mercie , sir. Swab. Nay , never cry for the matter , — But I had forgot this Barber all this while : Barber come forth , or by the beard of my great Grandfather , I swear , I will so shashado , mashado , pashado , and carbinado thee , that thou shalt look like a gallimafry all the days of thy life . Come forth I say , Cutbeard within . Why neighbour Swabber , who provokes you thus ? what do you mean ? who has offended you ? Swab. Oh slave of all slaves , who has offended me ? why thou base , beastly , boisterous , Babylonian , bawdy-fac'd Barber , thou hast , thou hast made me fit to chew the cud with oxen , climb the mountains with wild goats , and keep company with none but Ram-headed people , for which I will tie thee up on the next sign-post , and there thou shalt hang a twelve month and a day alive , for an example to all such notable shavers ; but if thou comest and submitst to my mercy , I will do thee the favour to let thee hang till thou be dead . Ger. Fransisco hark — I le pawn my life this fellow 's a rank coward , keep you his furie up , and I le perswade the Barber to a greater vein of roaring then ere was practised by a suburb blade , I le make him at the least seem valiant , fear not . Exit Fran. Do if it be possible , I le hold him in discourse . — But , M r Swabber , what think you if he does compound with you , wil you be won to take an arm or two , or both his leggs , and save his other members ? Swab. Pish , tell not me , t is neither his arms nor his legs that I stand upon , he has caus'd me to go in danger of my life : for t'other day I had an occasion to pass by a worshipfull Gentlemans pack of hounds , they no sooner looked upon my forehead , but they came at me in full cry ; and I for fear left such a sent behind me , that they came after me as perfectly by it , as if I had been a Stagg ; and if I had not got shelter of a house , without doubt I had been presented to some great man for Venison , and my hanches had been bak'd by this time . Fran. You were in danger there I must confess . Swab. And the Butchers Doggs still take me for a Bull , and fetch such courses at me ; and all this the Barber is the cause of . Fran. I would revenge it , were I as you he should not have a tool left him to work with . Swab. No nor to play with neither , I le have an inch of everie tool he has . — Barber come forth , and let me kill thee upon fair terms , or else I will enter thy house by force , pitch thee down the stairs , and send thee of an errand headlong . And if thou dost submit to my mercie , I will shave thee to death with thy own razor , therefore take heed . — So , now let him come if he dare . Enter Gerard. Ger. Wel , now I see there is no hope to appease him , blood must ensue , and death wil take its course . Swab. With whom ? what 's the matter ? Ger. The Barber is preparing for the combat , he has took his pole to serve him for a lance , and one of his basons for a buckler , and vows to make you the wind-mill , whilest he plays Don Quixot against you furiously . Swab. A windmil ! — I le begone . Fran. You wil not offer that sure . Who afraid ? Swab. Would it not make any one tremble with the thought on 't , first to be made a Cuckold , then a wind-mill ? No , I le begone , and come agen to kill him when I can find him in a better humour . Franc. Consider what you do ; he 'l call you coward , proclaim you Cuckold stil in everie Alehouse , and what disgrace wil that be ? Swab. I care not , t is better be a Cuckold then a windmil ; if he had meant to make a fool , a puppie , or an ass of me , or any such Christian like creature , 't were another matter : but to be made a windmill of , and never to be respected but when the wind blows , is not to be endur'd , therefore let him make windmils of my weapons , if he will , for my own part I le defend my self with my heels . Throws down his weapons . Ger. Come , I have brought him to a better temper , he will come armed with nothing but a Razor , with which if he does slit your wezand-pipe , it will not be amiss to take it patiently . Swab. Let him not spoil my drinking , and I care not ; but hark you , if you should let him hurt me , I should be as angrie as a Tiger . Enter Cutbeard with a razor . Cut. Where is this slave that has provok't my rage to his destruction , I wil swinge this Boore , then hang him up for Bacon in my chimney , and send him to be broyled for Pluto's breakfast . Swab. VVhy This is wors then to be made a wind mil. Do you hear sir , if ever you had the fit of an ague upon you , or ever knew the trembling of a man troubled in conscience , that would be loth to die till he had made even with all the world , consider me ; alas , sir I have my rent to pay yet , and if I should be sent to hell of an errand , they 'l like my company so well , I should never come back agen ; pray perswade him to send me to Ierusalem , or Ierico , or any those places neerer hand . Fran. Why canst not thou excuse thy selfe ? where 's thy brains ? Swab. Alas , my brains are fallen intomy breeches ; but if you 'l stand between me and harm , I le venture to reconcile my self to him , — Cut — honest Cutbeard , didst not thou think I was in earnest all this while . Cut. What ere thou wert , thou shalt be nothing presently , death waits for thee , come quickly I command thee . Swab. Sir , pray perswade M r Death to have patience for a matter of 40 or 50 years more ; for I have a great deal of business to do in this world yet . Cut. Shal I be dallied with , let me approach him , for all the intreaties of the world shal not preserve him past six minutes . Swab. One minut's past alreadie , — and there 's two . Fran. Nay , prithee Cutbeard , be more merciful . Swab. Three — four — five . Ger. Wil no intreatie serve ? Then take your course . Swab. Six , O now I am gone . Cut. If he submit he may live , let him know it — dost thou acknowledge thy own cowardize and my heroick valor ? Cut O mighty Hercules , I confess my self a Pigmy , and I wil never think otherwise while I live ; these Gentlemen be my witnesses . Ger. VVhy then all 's wel agen . — Remember Cutbeard , Cut. I le spice him fear not — give me thy hand Iack , Thus do I grasp thy friendship . Swab. He grasps my hand divelish hard tho . Cut. I hear pronounce thy wife to be a Venus . Swab. O rare ! Is my wife a Venus ? That 's more then ever I knew before ; why then I will be her husband Cupid . Fran. No , Cupid was her son . Swab. 'T is no matter for that , he shall be her husband for once , and we two wil get such abundance of young Cupids , that we 'l make all the world in love with one another . Cut. Since we are reconciled , know , honest Swabber , that I wil make the whole world dote on thee , I le wash thy face , and powder thee to 'th purpose , and shave thee if thou wilt too . Swab. No , by no means , I dare not venture my throat under thy fingers ; but for washing and powdring , that all the world may be in love with me , I am content . Cut. Sit down then in this chair , look on this powder , the snow is nothing to it , 't will create such a complexion on thee , that no Art did ever set upon the proudest Lady . Swab. But hark you Cutbeard , how shall I do to satisfie all the women that will follow me for kisses , if you make me too beautifull , my lips will be worn threed-bare before I can get home ; and then Parnell my own dear wife , will have the least share of her own sweet husband . Cut. For that we 'l take a course , — wink , wink , good Iack , my Ball will search your eyes else . Swab. My eyes are honest , and fear no searching Changes the powder , and blacks his face all over . Cut. Now I begin to sprucifie thy phisnomie , — This powder was extracted from the Phoenix , when she last burnt her self , and is indeed the quintescence of odors . Swab. Nay , 't is as odious as ever I smelt , that 's certain , good Cutbeard let me have enough I prithee . Cut. Nay , I le spare no cost , — Judg Gentlemen , is he not strangely alterd ? Ger. Past belief ; I would not that my Mistress saw him now , my hopes would soon be cool'd then . Swab. I think so , but I would have you to take notice , I will have nothing to do but with great personages , for I must not make my self common . Fran. What this fellow wil com to no man knows yet , his fame no doubt wil travel ore all countries , and I am full resolved in my opinion , the Queen of Mauritania wil run mad for him . Swab. If she run as mad as a March Hare , she gets not a bit ; no , Parnell and my neighbours shal have all . Cut. Now if the Painters wil draw Adonis out , let them come here for copies . So I have done . Swab. Prithee Cutbeard lend me a Looking-glass . Cut. By no means ; what did you never hear of one Narcissus how he pined away for love of his own shadow : No , go home , your house is hard by , let Parnell see you , and bless her self with wonder . Swab. Honest Cutbeard , this Gentleman is a worthy friend of mine , prithee bestow some of the same powder upon his face . Fran. No , no , you shal be beautiful alone , t is best . Swab. Parnell I come , and if thou beest not stupid , Thou 'lt say Iack Swabber is a kin to Cupid . Exit . Ger. Well Cutbeard , thou hast drest him handsomly , I 'de give a Crown that I were by when first he finds what beauty hee 's adorn'd withal . Cut. This day I am to meet with pretty Parnell , pray Heaven the Fool be absent when I come , some two hours hence if you wil meet me , Gentlemen , I le tel you how he takes his transmigration . Fran. We wil not fail . Farewel . Exeunt . Enter Parnell . Parn. I wonder that my Barber stays thus long , can he neglect me thus ? Wel , I wil fit him ; for if he use me once agen thus basely , I wil cashiere him , and bestow my love upon some one more constant : forty to one but Swabber comes before him , and spoils all . Enter Swabber very stately . Who 's this in the name of blackness ? the clothes and walk of my dear husband , and I le lay my life he has got a vizard on . — Nay pray now , indeed you 'l fright me presently , take heed . Swab. She does not know me that 's excellent , — Parnell beleeve it , I am flesh and blood , I would not have thee take me for a Goddess . Pan. A Goddess quotha , a black one if you be one ; what hast thou got upon thy face I prithee ? Swab. Do not look too wistly upon me , Parnell , my beauty wil put your eyes out if you do , and then I must be at the charge of a Dog and a Bel for you . Pan. A Dog and a fools head ; pul off your vizard . Swab. Do not touch me unless you make forty curtsies first . Come kiss me , and thou wilt be out out of thy wits presently . Parn. Nay , then I see t is a trick put upon him ; I le fetch you a glass , you shal behold your beauty . Exit . Swab. Do , and I wil venture to be in love with my self for once . How shal I requite honest Cutbeard ? By this hand he shal have the honor to be Barber to all my wenches . Enter Parnell with a glass . Parn. Are you not wondrous fair ? Look and admire your self . Swab. O Parnell , Parnell , I am gul'd most basely , I have not half so much beautie as a Chimney-sweeper : I le kil the Barber the first thing I do . Parn. Was it the Barber used thee thus ? Swab. I Parnell , 't was he : I le go fetch a company of my Fellow-Saylors , drag him out , and hang him up at the main Yard presently . Parnell farewel : if I be apprehended for the death of Cutbeard , what ever thou dost , send me a clean shirt ; for I shal have need on 't . Exit . Parn. VVell Cutbeard , I commend thee for this project , thou hast drest him handsomly ; would thou wer 't here , I would kiss thee for the jests sake . Enter Cut. Oh are you come , Sir ? Cutb. I watcht the time my Parnell , and have found it ; How does the gul become his feathers ? Ha! Parn. As I would have him : Oh Cutbeard , this kiss , and this , for the device . Cut. VVhere is he , Parnell ? Parn. VVhy gone abroad in his new-fashion'd face , to fetch a gang of Saylors , who he vows shal hang thee up at the main Yard , and shal use thee worse then the Prentices a Suburb-Bawd on a Shrove-tuesday . Cut. And those same water-rats are Divellish things ; what a slave was I to use him so ? Parn. VVhat canst thou fear when I am in thy presence ? Away you milksop , hence from me , avant . Cut. Nay , gentle Parnel , by this hand I le fight with a whole Army , if thou sayst the word : prithee be reconciled . Swab. within . VVhy Parnell , Parnell , here 's thy own sweet husband ; open the door dear wife . Parn. O me , my husband 's come , what shal I do ? Cut. Let me into the well ▪ if thou thinkst good , or hang me in the chimney stead of Bacon . Parn. Alas , that 's full of hazard . — No device ! Swab. within . Why huswife , huswise , must I wait halfe a day ? Parn. My peticotes faln off , but I come presently — Oh I have thought , come hither , put on this biggin , I made it for my child that is at Nurse , and cram thy self into this cradle here : there is no other way , therefore dispatch . Cut. O me , thou never thinkst upon my beard , that wil betray all presently . A cradle set forth . Parn. Take you no care , I le make him to beleeve you were born with it ; be quick , I say . Cut. Necessitie compels me , send me off of this brunt once , I le hunt the smock no more — Cover me close good Parnell . Parn. So , keep you close , and when he prattles to you , sneere in his face , and call him Dad ; do you hear ? Parnell lets him in . Enter Swabber . Swab. Why you proud , peevish , petty , paltry Parnell , why did you make me stay so long ? Parn. I made what hast I could , but the child cri'd so . Swab. The child ! what child ? have you got bastards here ? Parn. Bastards ? they are your own then : Simon 's come home , the boy I had a twelvemonth since by you , he was born when you were at sea . Swab. Is he brought home ? As I 'm an honest man I 'm glad on 't . Let me see him Parnell . Parn. Look here he is , the goodliest boy , and even as like thee Iohn , as if thou hadst begot him all thy self . Swab. Whoop , here 's a boy of a twelvemonth old : if he grow but thus much this next year , he 'l be able to fight with a Giant presentl . But Parnely , he has got a great beard too , how comes that ? Parn. Why he was born with it ; many children are so , and 't is a sign he wil be a man betimes , a wise discreet one too . Cut. Dad dad , dad . Swab. Nay , 't is a wise child , I perceive that ; for he cals me dad at first sight . Good Parnel fetch me some milk for him , I le see him eat . Parn. He had milk but just now ; prithee Iohn be patient . Swab. You are a fool , he has been starv'd at Nurse , and we must make him fat . Fetch some , I say . Par. I wil not truly Iohn , you 'l spoil the child . Swab. I saw some stand in the next room , I le fetch it my self so I wil. Exit . Par. What wil you do ? You must endure with patience ; I mingled batter but just now for pancakes and that he 'l bring , as certain as I live . Cut. I shal be cram'd to death ; mercie upon me . Par. He comes , lie close agen . Enter Swabber , with a great bowl of batter and a ladle . Cut. Dad , dad , dad . Swab. I mine own boy , here 's milk for thee , Simon . Throws it in by ladles full . Look Parnel look , how greedily he eats it . Par. Now fie upon you Iohn , you 'l choak the child . Swab. I mean to make him grow as high as Pauls , and shew him for a wonder in Bartholmew fair . Fetch me some more milk , this is all gone . Parn. What , do you think I le murder the poor infant ? Swab. By this hand I le go to the Milk-woman and fetch him a whole gallon . Exit , Parn. Up quickly and be gone ; for when he comes he 'l choak you without fail . Cut. A pox upon him , never was child fed thus . But what wil you do now ? Par. Do not you fear ; I le fetch my own child ; 't is at a neighbours house , & say the Fairies have exchang'd it . Cut. Send thee good luck ; farewel sweet Parnel . Ex. Parnel fetches in a little child , and layes it in the cradle . Parn. So , if this child wil serve him for a Simon , all will be wel agen . Enter Swabber , with more milk . He comes , — Oh Iohn . Swab. Come , give me Simon on my lap , I le feed him til his guts crack agen . Parn. Alas , I went but i' th next room , and in the mean time the Fairies have exchanged him ; look what a little thing they have left in 's place . Swab. I le have none on 't ; go fetch me Simon , and tel the Fairies I le indite them at the Sessions for this . Oh Simon , Simon , what 's become of thee ? Parn. Nay , prithee take not on so . Swab. The goodliest boy of his age , that ever man saw . Pshaw , this has ner 'a beard , I le ha' none on 't . Enter Francisco , Gerard , Cutbeard , neighbours wives . Fran. Why how no Iack , what in a passion ? ha ! t was that blackt thy face to day for mirth sake , and thou didst think 't was Cutbeard . Swab. I care not for my face , Simon is gone , that had a beard as big as Cutbeards here , the Fairies have exchanged him ; and look what a chitty-face they have left in 's room , a thing of nothing for him . Ger. Come , you must use this they have left with courtesie ; for they wil whip Simon every day i' th week else . I know the nature of them . Swab. Wil they so ? Nay then I must make much on 't . Fran. And now you must be friends with Cutbeard too . Swab. With all my heart , for I am angry with none but the Fairies now . Ger. We have brought musick , and some neighbours with us , and mean to have a dance . Come Iohn . Swab. I can dance nothing but a melancholy dance . For I am in a grievous dump for Simon still Ger. I warrant thee . Strike up there . A Dance . Fra. Why that 's well done ; no time is counted lost , Where civil mirth is gain'd with such small cost ? FINIS .