HOh ! Major ! — Quibus Hector , &c.

Why faith the old Trade still ; Here , and there , and every where : — But how now Captain ! — Latine ! Latine ! — Send us fair weather ; — From small Beer , and ends of Latine ; — Deliver me .

Troth Iriss with as little of 't this morning , as the rest of my Neighbours : And yet once to day , 't was a measuring cast , whither I had English enough left me , to carry me to bed .

For why my man o' Memphis ? — New adventures ?

Small Game : — However , 't is better than idleness . — A man would pick straws , rather than not keep his hand in ure : — Anything good Major in an honest way .

Thou' rt in the right Boy : — But heark you — Did'he bite ?

Yes : — And I 've struck him too .

A Squire ? — Another Squire ?

He may be one in time : — But for the present , he is only a small Batchelor of the Law , new come to Town , to learn breeding .

I 'le say this — And a fig for thee — He has as hopeful a Tutor , as a man need have rak'd Hell for .

Mean you me Sir , or Runter the Civilian to whose care , his father by his last will committed him ?

Nev'r a Barrel better Herring — Runter ! — Hah ! Hah !

Nay — nay — nay — The Gentleman will be well bred , there 's no doubt of 't : — But what 's the business ?

Compositions Major — Compositions — A small Collation to save the effusion of Christian blood : — Ah that thou hadst seen him , while the Prudential , and my Second were discoursing the business — He look't so like dead a Horse , he would neither eat , nor drink , before he knew , whither he should live , or dye : — But , as soon as the sum was agreed , and we had shaken hands upon 't — . Whip sayes Jethro ! — He was got drunk , ere I could wet my Whistle .

But are the Pence numbred ? — Do they cry Chink in thy Pocket ? — How many yellow Boyes ( Rogue ) How many yellow Boyes ?

Why faith Major , none ; — But we are to take up a 100 l. together , which will be all one .

But who must lay it down Captain ? who must lay it down ?

I have a small Broker , that for 40 , or 50 l. has undertaken to procure it .

That may do well — But heark you — Where does your Horse stand ? — I hear of a Purchase , and I must out to Night .

No more good Major — . No more of that doleful Tune ; — The very remembrance of 't puts me into a cold sweat .

'T was a pretty Nag — Thou hast not sold him ?

Would 't were no worse .

He is not stoll'n ? — No Rogues among our selves I hope ?

Neither .

Or is he dead ?

In Law , I think he be : — I was out t'other Night upon the Randan , and who should I meet with but our old Gang , some of St. Nicholas's Clerks ; Pad was the word ; The Booty set by the Chamberlaine ; We took it , and shar'd it ; But coming home , were all snap't by a Hue , and Crye , for another business , wherein I was not concern'd ; which Mr. Constable perceiving , and imaging me as very a Rogue as the rest , and that I would be glad to escape upon any terms ; He takes me aside , and tells me , That though I was not in this , yet there were others , wherein I had been ; And therefore ( because I look't like a civil Gentleman , meerly drawn in by ill Company ) if I would give him my Horse , he would let me escape : — You may easily believe , he did not speak to a deaf Man , or one that had no mind to understand him — I clos'd with him , got me to my Company , made 'um dead drunk , and when they were fast asleep , fairly march't off .

That is to say — Ran away .

And a good shift too : — You are put to none of these hazards Major — You lie as safe in the Constable's house , as a Thief in a Mill ; — Or ( to use a more familiar expression ) some of our friends in Newgate .

Yes — I could have better accomodations abroad , but he is my loving friend .

His Wife you mean.

Why — She 's a good Girle — And now you talk of these Trumperies , What 's become of your small Cockatrice , the Astrologer Mopus his Wife ?

I ha'n't seen her since my last mischance ; I must ev'n to her for new riggings ; — I hope her Husband has had a good Term of 't ; I 'd live like a Prince , if I could perform the tenth part of what his Bills promise : — But see Major ! Enter Double Diligence , and his Wife . yonder 's your Pinnace sailing by — Ah how she booms ! — Prithee hail her Man : Would I 'd the furling of her Main Sail.

Landlord ! Well met — How now Landlady — This is better than wish ; — I must give you a Barrel of Oysters , and a Bottle or two of Wine , ere we part , Honest Landlord ! Bilboe huggs him .

O — good Major — Another time ; we are going to exercise now .

But dear Landlord — Captain , Advance , and know this Gentleman my friend , and Landlord ; — He is the honestest fellow , and the best natur'd thing —

Thank you good Major — I have alwayes your good word .

Worthy Sir , your servants humble servant .

Alas good Captain — Indeed and truly — sweet Sir — The Major and I are old friends .

And may you long continue so .

I thank you Sir : — Come my Joy , shall 's walk ? I should be loth to have Mr. Alderman there before us .

I my Dear — I stay for thee . Exit D. D.

But heark you Hussy : — He whispers her back .

Where shall you and I exercise ? — Can 't you drop him , or give him the slip , for an hour or two ?

Oh — No — No — We are to be at Repetition at Mr. Alderman's — 'T is Fryday Night — But I shall see you anon : Farewell good Major — Your servant Sir. Exit .

Your servant Lady .

Captain — Prithee let 's meet to morrow in the Afternoon , at Mother Formalls the Midwife's ; and bring your small Harlotry with you , — we 'll be merry .

A match — A match — Exuent .

SAturne , and Jupiter , come to a Trine in Taurus , and Capricorne — Huh — We shall have strangers come to Town , and their Wives nev'r miss 'um in the Countrey : — Next Month they all meet in the house of Mercury , he being Lord thereof , and Significator of Speech ; It may intend , Advocates , Cryers of Courts , Splitters of Causes , Oysters Wives , and Broom Men : — Hold — Saturne — ( nothing but this malevolent Planet ) in the sign Virgo , in conjunction with Venus , in her detriment : — Beware Women , of green Gowns ; Great men , of Stone , and Collick , and Costermongers , of rotten Pippins : — Agen — Pars torturae , coupled with the Catabibason , That is to say , The Dragons Tayle : — Huh — Huh — Children shall be subject to Convulsion sits , young Wenches to the Falling Evil , and old Women to Cough out their Teeth : — [ He makes a pause . ] But all this is no Money : — Many an honest man has but one House , and maintains his Family very well ; But I am such an unlucky Rogue , the whole 12 , will hardly pay my Rent : — Now a Pox take these Citizens , and then a Man may get some money by 'um ; They are so hidebound , there 's no living by 'um ; So Clunchfisted , a man would swear the Gout were got out of their feet , into their hands , 't is death to 'um , to pluck 'um out of their pockets : — I am sure my Bills bid as high , as the proudest ( They Cure all Diseases , and Resolve all Astrological Questions ) and yet they 'll hardly quit cost , for pasting 'um up : — Here dwells an Astrological Physitian , Reads one ; — And there let him , till I trouble him , Answers another ; — His Majesties most excellent Operator , sayes one — Yes — upon a Post quoth another : And thus you see , how an Artist is valu'd : — O Ignorance ! Ignorance ! Well may'st thou be the Mother of Devotion , but I am sure thou art the Stepdame of Art : — If it were not for the good Women with their Groats , and their Vinegar Bottles , and now and then a young Wench to enquire of her Sweet-heart , I might ev'n hang my self ; Nay ( which were worse ) my wife would cry her Trade were the better o' th' two : — But , Husht ! — I hear some body coming — Ten to one but 't is my young Squire , with his Mercers Wife to have her Fortune read — I could with less trouble , and more certainty have told her Husband 's : — I hear 'um — Husht — My Wife understood their meaning well edough , shemight have put 'um together without troubling me : — [ Enter Mrs. Mopus . ] Oh — is it you ? — How goes all Causes ?

But ill enough I 'm sure — I wonder what I 'm the better for a Husband in you ! — Here you sit moping , and moping all day upon a Book , and at Night , you 're as sleepy as a gib'd Cat.

But you 'd be loth though , if your Wife had an occasion , that she should borrow , though 't were but sixpence .

Thou sayest right — But I dare trust thee further : Prithee go in , and look after the House ; we shall have some or other , come popping in presently .

To mighty purpose — 'T is well you get so much : — Methinks Trading is grown extream dead : — Time was , when your honest Citizen's Wives , and no ordinary Madams , and their Gallants , would come and be merry here ; — But now —

A little patience good Wife ; 't 'as been a long Vexation , the Gentry are not come to Town yet ; — and yet we have some doings too .

Yes — A Company of Fribbles , enough to discredit any honest House in the World : — No , I 'd have you to know , I am for none of your Skip-Jacks ; — No ; — Give me your Persons of Quality , there 's somewhat to be got by them : Besides , a Woman need not be asham'd to sit Jig by Joule , with the best of the Parish , and who dare say , Black is her eye ?

Prithee be quiet — I expected a young Squire , and his Mistriss ; but I believe she could not get out , her Husband is so jealous of her .

Now out upon her — Could she not have took another Woman out with her ? He has been a good one himself ( I warrant you ) that shall offer to suspect two Women together : — Marry hang these jealous-headed Coxcombs , these Ass-Cuckolds , that believe their Ears to be Horns ; And such have you been in your time too — That you have .

Well — Well — Go in — All shall be mended — Prithee in .

No indeed , I don't intend it ; I must have some money first : — Do you think I can go alwayes in one Gown ? — Pray don't mistake yourself : — Besides , I must buy the Child a new Coat ; and Mr. Scruple expects I should carry him something for his pains amongst us : — Indeed Husband , he is a precious , able man.

Nay good Husband — How do you think a Woman can love you , if you will not let her do as the rest of her Neighbours ? — I warrant you for them , not one of them mist the meeting to day , and I hope you have found , that they are not the worst Customers we have : — Marry come up here — [ She strikes the Book out of his hand . ] 'T is a fine thing that a Woman can have no money , but what she mustask her Husband for , and then too , to have all this Clutter about it : — Give me some money , or I 'll make my complaint to Mr. Scruple .

Be quiet , and thou shall 't have any thing : — I must ev'n stop her mouth , to be rid of her — [ This , and the next , aside . ] If once she set up her Clack , the Cataracts of Nile , are but still Musick to 't : — Come , we 'll in , and see what may be done . Exeunt .

INdeed your father was my old acquaintance , and very good friend — Ah! How it tickles my Lungs , to think how many mad Frolicks we have had , at Robbing of Orchards , and stealing Pudding-pyes — I hope I may take it for granted , that you visited the University : — Pray which of ' um ? and what Colledge ?

Gotam Colledge Sir , in the University of Rumford .

My Fellow Collegiate ! — You and I must be acquainted : — Pray how goes the old difference between the Scholars , and the Townsmen ? Is the breach so wide , that you believe it irreconcilable ?

Indeed I cannot tell — But it is thought , 't will hardly be compos'd , unless the Rams would forbear marrying .

The more 's the pity : — A Graduate I hope Sir.

Yes Sir — A small one — A Batchelor o' th' Law — I went out Batchelor , last Horse-fair .

And I Doctor , in the Throng : — We must be better acquainted : — You 're come up to study ?

Then let me advise you — Study both Laws , but chiefly , the Civil : — You would not think what an advantage 't is , to be a general man.

Sir , I shall follow your directions .

Then , when you come to practice ; you must get you a good brass Towel , and a steel Countenance ; and ever carry in your green Bag , so much patience , as not to be discourag'd at any thing ; for I am to tell you a great Truth , That our Profession Rotts at the wrong end , The young ones dye , and the old ones live , But how I pray ? Even like Bawds , and Medlars , never Ripe , till Rotten ; That is to say , seldom or never get money , till they are past the use of 't ; And then ( perhaps ) what with a little favour , and a great deal of money , they may chance to arrive at last to the height of sleeping out a Cause .

I thank you Sir , and I hope I shall be able to remember it .

Then you must ever be obsequious to great men ; not that you expect any good from 'um , but ( as the Chineses worship the Devil ) that they do you no hurt : — Then , be sure to keep your Chamber , it will keep you ; I kept mine many a long year , and nothing came ; But at last ( Thanks to my Stars , and these good Times ) it came to the purpose .

Yes Sir , I know this to be true , for my Mother would be continually preaching this Lesson to my Father .

Then you must never examine your Cause , whither it be good , or bad ; If it be good , and of no great concernment , it will carry it self , If bad , there 's your Master-piece , to help it out ; Every Fool can manage a good Cause , but He 's your Man , can set the Nose to which side he pleases , and make something , out of nothing .

I hope I shall have the grace to put it in practice ; and wish , my Father were alive to thank you .

Then if at any time , you find you have the worst end of the staffe ; Leave your Cause , and fall upon the person of your Adversary ; Put it out boldly , and enough of 't , and somewhat must stick ; No matter how true , or false , it begets a prejudice to the person , and many times forjudges the Cause : — For Example now , to give you an instance in a Gentleman , a friend of mine , a great Master of this way of pleading : — A Gentleman with a long comely beard , demurrs to his Clients Bill ; My friend , takes him at first hop , and demurrs to his beard ; calls it a Vow-beard , and that he had made an Oath not to cut it till the King came in ; And heark you , had he had Twenty Arguments , he might have better spar'd the other Nineteen , than that One : — I could tell you of as good a one of my own , and upon as great a Person as any this day in Europe — ( Ah! how I firk't him up , with — a Chip of the old Block , and Twenty as good — ) But enough of this now — The thing is sufficiently known , and it ill becomes a man to set out his own Vertues ; — But try this , and do it boldly , and never doubt of Clients : — A modest Lawyer ! — A silent Woman ! — A Paradox in Nature .

I can but thank you still Sir.

I had almost forgot one thing , and no way inferiour to any of the rest : — If you find any Commotion in the State , be sure to strike in with the first ; If you get nothing — Cantabit vacuus — You 'll pass in the Crowd ; If you do , you 'll have money enough to purchase your pardon , and perhaps too , get in to be some great mans Advocate : — Chew the Cud upon this for the present , and as I find you growing up to 't , I shall instruct you farther . Exeunt .

I Do profess , this Mr. Scruple is a singular man.

I indeed is he : — I never edify'd under any man like him : — But how d' you my Lamb ? How d' you ?

A vengeance over grown one ; — I have seen many a Ram in my time , has not been so big by the head and the horns . [ Aside — Whitebroth Coughs all the while . ]

How do you Sir ? — You don't look well .

Nothing but a Cold my Child — nothing but a Cold : I hope ' twill away again : — [ He Coughs again . ]

Cis — Cis — A stick of Licoras Cis. [ Enter D. D. and his wife . ]

I have some Candid Ginger forsooth .

Here Chick — prithee bite a bit of 't — 't is the most soveraign thing ( next a Pepper posset ) as can be .

Save your good Worship — It fell in an ill time — I am afraid it may beget an obstruction of justice , by hindring your Worships sitting on the Bench.

How d' you Neighbours both ? How d' you ? — you 're welcome , — [ Coughs ] — I am afraid I sate a little too long in the cold — [ Again ] Come Neighbour Diligence , you and I 'll walk in , and leave the Women to entertain Mr. Scruple .

I wait upon your Worship . Exeunt Wh. D. D.

Timothy .

Madam .