Grammatical drollery consisting of poems & songs wherein the rules of the nouns & verbs in the accendence are pleasantly made easy, for the benefit of any that delight in a tract of this nature / by W. Hickes. Hickes, William, fl. 1671. 1682 Approx. 173 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 63 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2009-10 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A43692 Wing H1887 ESTC R34461 14445002 ocm 14445002 102357 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A43692) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 102357) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 1060:14) Grammatical drollery consisting of poems & songs wherein the rules of the nouns & verbs in the accendence are pleasantly made easy, for the benefit of any that delight in a tract of this nature / by W. Hickes. Hickes, William, fl. 1671. [2], 117 p. Printed for Tho. Fox ..., London : 1682. In verse. Reproduction of original in the Bodleian Library. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. Gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. 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Copies of the texts have been issued variously as SGML (TCP schema; ASCII text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable XML (TCP schema; characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless XML (TEI P5, characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or TEI g elements). Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng English language -- Grammar -- Early works to 1800. Humorous poetry, English -- Early works to 1800. 2008-10 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2008-12 SPi Global Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2009-01 John Pas Sampled and proofread 2009-01 John Pas Text and markup reviewed and edited 2009-02 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion GRAMMATICAL Drollery , Consisting of POEMS & SONGS . Wherein the RULES of the NOVNS & VERBS IN THE ACCEDENCE Are pleasantly made Easie , FOR THE Benefit of any that delight in a Tract of this Nature . By W. H. ickes LONDON : Printed for Tho. Fox , and are to be sold at the 〈◊〉 and at the Star in Westminster-hall . 1682 GRAMMATICAL Drollery . The Adverbs Quarrel . THe Adverbs had a Quarrel , as they say : Says ubi , Where ? in what place , I pray ? Says ibi , There ; and in that very place Where u and i by u receiv'd disgrace . Then Mr. hic did plainly say , 't was here : Yes , yes , says istic , in that very place ; 't was there . One askt whe'r 't was within doors or without : Says intus , 'T was within doors , without doubt . No , no , says foris , I 'm certain 't was abroad , Where some o' th' Adverbs were severely claw'd . Then one did ask 'em , when began the Fray : My troth , says honest hodie , 't was to day . Says cras , I fear 't will last to morrow too , There are such adverse Adverbs in the Crew . Alas , says perindi● , ( without laughter ) I fear 't will last until the day after . Says heri , Yesterday I heard something on 't . Say olim , In times past 't was their wont . Says aliquando , Sometimes now and then Such Jars happen ' mongst such kind of men . And 't was of late so , says nuper then , And may , says mox be by and by agen . Says statim , Presently , for ought I know . Says cito , Quickly let 's prepare to go . Repente cries , We suddenly must depart ; And subito therein did take his part . Ocyus said , We quick must hast away : Yes , says jam and modo , just now we say . But alias for another time did plead . Says forsan , Perhaps you 'll repent the deed . Says lente , Hast makes wast , go slowly on ; We 've a weighty matter to think upon . Says quamdiu then , How long shall we stay ? Diu says , A long while , make no hast away . Quotidie , day by day , ill News doth hear . I 'll stay , says donec , till the coast be clear . Vnde askt from whence comes all this prate ? From hence , says hinc ; we 're all unfortunate . Illinc said , From thence , istinc , from that place Where you and I a Mistriss had in chace . Whither shall we flie , says quo ? Hither , says huc . Illuc says , Thither , or you 'll have ill luck . Yes , says istuc , to that place . Says alio , To another , or I shall fail you , ho. This Jarring then did breed such a puther , Aliquo bids go to some place or other . Which way , says qua ? let us well advise . Says illac , That way take , or y' are not wise . Faith , says quacunque , which way soere you go , You 'll be beset on all sides with the Foe . How to behave my self , says qualiter , I know not ; but am resolv'd to rail at her Has been the cause on 't . Says poor primum , First I 'll to th' trees , and then I 'll climb 'um To be out of danger , I 'm so perplext . Says Inde , Then be sure I 'll be the next To follow ye . After , says deinde , I 'll follow too , knew I where to find ye . Lastly , says denique , Let 's go together , In regard we 're all Birds of a Feather . And then came in a very scurvy cur , Askt 'em why they then made such a stir ? Then all did call him cur , which made him cry , And why cur , says he ? because cur is why . Says quare , Wherefore do ye jar ? I fear you 'll hear ( alas ) too much of War. Quorsum then did ask 'em to what end They quarrelled , and whither did it tend ? Says heus , Heark ye : so said ehodum too , What 's the cause ye make so much ado ? Truly , says profecto , y' are all to blame . Indeed , says sane , I do say the same . Says minime , You must in no wise jar Nequaquam , by no means , lest't prove a War. I would to God , says utinam , you were As good friends as when ye came here . Sodes and amabo , of all loves did entreat ; And eia said , Go to , unless you 'll all be beat . Says age , Well , una together with me , Will try if we can make 'em all agree . Now 's the time , says nunc , or else never ; Not onely now , says non modo , but ever . 'T is always good , says semper , to be quiet , Else you 'll surely get but little by it . Seorsim doth advise to go apart One after another , lest they all do smart . Yes , says imo : and potius said , he had rather Go one by one , than go altogether . Poor fere said , he almost fear'd to go ; And hand was scarcely brought unto it too . Then ecce he came in , and 's Brother en , Saying ( behold ) here 's none but jangling men . Perhaps , says forte , and fortuito , You may repent it , yea , and rue it too . So also said their Brother , good fortassis , And call'd 'em all a Crew of drunken Asses . Veluti and sicut said , They act as 't were Like mad men as they go every where . And sic likewise did say the very same , And so fell sick , to see all out of frame . One askt how sic did : was told , So , so . That 's sic : sic , says he ? then he 's ill I know . Quasi said , Although they were to blame , Something might be done their Brains to tame . Says quomodo , But how can it be done ? Says bene , Well , let each take a Gun And force 'em to 't . Recte said , 't was rightly spoke : Optime said , 't was best way not provoke . Fortiter then strongly spoke , saying , Let us Quickly prevent 'em , lest they beset us . This made fortius more valiant to declare ; And fortissime most valiant to prepare ' Gainst any assault that might attack 'em : Which made the major part begin to back ' um . And docte being learn'd , then began To give the Character of every man. But male then being of an evil mind , Did joyn with pessime , the worst inclin'd To peace of any : Which sicut hearing , Said , 't was like as a War appearing . And so said ceu , As sicut , so say I : So says tanquam , velut , and all that fry . Says multum , nay , it much doth grieve me ; And plurimum , very much believe me . But parum little cared for what they said ; And minimum the least of all in dread . And magis more than all the rest let fly Likewise at tam , but maxime especially . Paululum a little while did weep To see his Brethren laid by War to sleep . Minus was less griev'd than all the rest , Which prope that was nigh , could not digest . Valde greatly did bemoan their fate , And told 'em , they 'd be all unfortunate . Nimium said , they were too much inclin'd To mischief , and bid 'em change their mind . Propius and proxime came near'st of all To make an end of this inhumane Brawl . And admodum did very much desire To put an end to this Intestine Fire . Then satis came , and cry'd , Enough , enough , We may ere long have cause to make proof Of your undaunted Courages : till then Let 's all shake hands , and be friends agen . Then num and nunquid , both together Came to 'em , and did ask 'em whether They resolv'd to agree : belissime Most fairly spoke , said , Yes , come kiss ye me , I 'll begin : I 'll second you then , says tunc , And for this , to night I 'll make ye drunk , And declare , though you were lately Madverbs , Y' are now become agen sober Adverbs . And affatim abundantly did spend To make 'em quiet : They all call'd him friend While there : but being gone , said affatim Was a kind fool , and did laugh at him . Which vix could scarce put up , being his friend ; But at the last he did : and there 's an end . The POSTSCRIPT . And being all asate i' th' Adverbs Hall , Doctissime , the most learn'd of all , Did make a Preposition to invite All the Conjunctions thither that night , To joyn together in this Harmonie . They all cry'd out aloud , So let it be . And eke the Interjections , if 't should chance A sudden passion too far advance , They may asswage it ( as 't is often seen ) By casting in some moderate words between . Then all with one accord agen did cry , Doctissime , that spake so learnedly , Shall be our Chair-man , let 's mount him high . They were so very drunk , the Neighbours say , They fell asleep i' th' Hall , and there they lay . By which I find , that four o' th' parts of Speech Were drunk that night , to soder up the Breach . The Battle of the Verbs . THe Quarrel of the Adverbs being known , The Verbs were much concerned every one , And in a fury 'gan to take 't to heart , ' Cause every one would take his servants part : For to the Verbs they are servants all , And obedient to their Masters call . For without them they neither dare nor can Speak Sence or Reason unto any man. Just like those Nouns called Adjectives , Who truckle still unto their Substantives . Then impero their great Commander , he Who was the chiefest in Authoritie , Commanded jubeo for to summon all The Verbs together , both great and small , With all their Arms that they ere did use On such a day at a Rendezvouze . Colligo gathers them ; and duco being made Their Captain , them to th' Fight doth lead . Incipio doth begin the Battle , and Valiant pugno fights him hand to hand . Clango commands the Trumpet then sound out ; But clamo he cries all the field about , Poor timeo is afraid , and fugio shuns The Battle , sequor follows , curro runs ; Cedo gives ground ; which made bold juro swear , And often call'd for vocito to hast the rear . Juvo , though long , at last doth bring him aid ; Yet amo's being in love , made him afraid . He then bid doceo teach him how to weild His sword : Lego said , 't was read to him i' th' field . And I , says audio , then did hear the same . Troth , says accuso , then he 's much to blame . Induo was bid to put his Armour on ; And incito to stir up , was wrought upon . Immediately poor jugulo's Throat was cut ; Says instigo , he egg'd me on to do 't . Lacco lay hid behind a Quickset-hedge ; Which video seeing , set his Teeth an edge To make complaint . Says haurio , You will draw An odium on your self : which when cerno saw , He bid lacesso not provoke too much ; ' Twou'd put , says pono , courage in a Dutch Man in the next Line . Liveo then was beat Quite black and blue , by retro's back-retreat . And salio then over the Ditch would leap ; But aio said , it was too broad and deep . Dimico in skirmish , got two wounds that bled ; And at his feet poor morior soon lay dead . Sepelio buried him , fodio dig'd his Grave , And honest scribo writ his Epitaph . Which stir'd up excito to fight agen ; And voco call'd him valiantest of men . Bless me , says beo , how valiantly he fought ! And jubilo for very joy did shout . Caedo , whoere he met , did beat 'em all ; And at the last he made poor cado fall . Candeo then 'gan to look white with fear ; But horreo dreaded nothing , as I hear . Amplector says , I do embrace the Fight ; And aperio did open to the left and right . Altercor 'gan to wrangle with them all ; Which made arcesso presently go to call Augeo , who did rather increase than stop This Jarring ; that it stir'd honest cieo up To speak to vulgo , that he would publish round The field , that the Enemy then gave ground . This made fremo roar , and furo to be mad To follow them . But hortor did exhort that they ▪ Should not do 't : yet propero did hast away . Increpo began to blame him much indeed , And jurgo chid him soundly for that deed . Then blatero 'gan to babble like an Ass , That calco kickt him as by'im he did pass . Then cogo swore he 'd force 'em for to fight ; And cito summon'd them all that very night . Lugeo did mourn , and pray'd there might be peace ; And cudo coin'd a Lye to make 'em cease Fighting : which made mad execror to curse . Ejulo and ploro too did wail , fearing 't wou'd be worse . Duro said that he 'd endure unto the end , But damno condemn'd him for it , like a friend . Fingo did feign a Lye that he might be gone ; But censeo censur'd him for it , and every one Besides . Hio began to gape for breath , they say , And halo wanted breath that very day . Macto began to kill without remorse , And paro did prepare to meet his Force . Then paveo dreaded this might mischief bring ; And pendo and pendeo did weigh every thing In the Ballance of Justice : Says oleo , I smell There 's Traytors amongst us ; says tumeo , I swell With grief to think on 't ; and so did turgeo too ; Says suspicio , I suspect it as well as you , And blam'd vitupero much , that was the cause on 't : Then volo he was forc't to flie upon 't . Nego deny'd that he had any hand in it : Says scrutor , I 'll search it out within this minit . Trunco then did mangle all came near him , And trudo thrust so strong , that all did fear him . Temno did despise all danger that might come , And vibro brandisht out his Sword , and lookt grum Upon 'em all . Vito to avoid this storm , Hid himself in a hollow Tree , ( poor worm ! ) And viso likew●se went to visit him there . At last vulgo publisht abroad where they were . Rogo and peto askt pardon for their fault , Because they fear'd they might be brought To punishment . And quatio 'gan to shake ; Vlciscor swore that he revenge would take : Which made ululo howl for very grief , Until that venio did come to his relief . Vindico did challenge any there to fight , Which renuo did refuse at the first sight . Propago did think the Fight for to prolong ; And probro being then among the throng , Did approve what he had said . And pateo he Lay open to these slanders , which made him flee . Repo did creep from thence into a Wood ; Which veto forbid , saying , ' twoud do no good . Dormio then told 'em he must sleep a while : Yes , yes , says cumbo , lie down on that Pile Of Bavins . Says exu● , Then put off too Your Arms ; 'T is best , says facio , so to do . Says cupio , Then faith now I covet drink : I believe 't , says credo ; but where 's the Chink Must purchase it ? Says do , I give it him . Come then , says pleo , fill it to the brim . Bold scindo then was cut into the brain , And fluo swore the bloud flow'd out amain . Says frico , Rub his temples well , be sure , And I , says precor , will pray for his cure . Which made poor horreo then to dread the Fight ; And gaudio did rejoyce when out of sight . Gemo began to groan , being wounded sore : Says bibo , Let him drink a little more O' th' Cordial . But mutio muttering by , Frango did break his head immediately . Foveo did cherish all this bleeding Crew , And nutrio he nourisht some of them too . Foeteo did stink for fear , when he did see Ferio strike down another . And fugo he As well as his Brother fugio , flies . And flo , With fighting long , began to puff and blow Fleo did weep extreamly for to see Flagito to beg for 's life so earnestly . I must confess that fateor got renown ; And fatigo was weary too with looking on . Fido did trust too much unto his broken blade , Which made festino hasten unto his aid . Fallo did deceive 'em all : for when he found The Bullets hiss , he fell upon the ground , That honest cogito did think him dead ; Experior too did try to rub his head . Doleo griev'd that Death should thus oretake him ; Yet expergiscor did at last awake him . Exerceo then did exercise his Crew ; But he like desero did forsake him too . Festo stood to it , advenio then comes to him ; Which when obsecro saw , he then did woo him To invade bold ingruo : But scandeo he Did climb for safety on an Oaken-tree . Then simulo did counterfeit a wound or two ; Singultio likewise sobs to see him so . Ario being dry , did wish his inside wetter ; No matter , says ardeo , you 'll burn the better . I was betray'd , says prodo , to this dismal day ; Yet prurio's fingers itcht to fight , they say . Pungo was prickt toth ' heart , when upon him Premo did press ; yet vinco overcome him . Meo unto the Battle hast doth make , But desino doth the Field forsake . Spiro to breathe , doth forbear to smite ; But crafty evito doth escape the Fight . Miror in wonder standing much amaz'd , And faint aspicio on the Battle gaz'd . Supero did overcome whoere he met ; And gratulor did the valiant Hero greet . Spero did hope well ; sperno despis'd all flight , Though redeo returned wounded from the Fight . Stringo did strain himself to overcome Bold pulso , who quickly struck him down . Then tono thundred in with might and main To help succurro , which was almost slain . Ferreo waxt hot by all these great Alarms , And fido trusts more to his feet than arms . Dimitto sent a Bullet then so right , The Powder scorcht poor ustulo that night . Luxo then put his arm quite out of joynt , That ungo was forc'd at last it to anoint . Erro mistook the place , and wander'd up and down , And equito after him rod from Town to Town . Corusco's arms glister'd in the fight that day , And mico's shin'd likewise , as some do say . Metuo did fear to meet too , as I hear , Yet at last with misceo mingled in the rear : And occulo did hide himself behind a Tree , Which monstro shew'd to all the companie . Sad verto turn'd from one side to the other , And muto chang'd too , as if he were his Brother . Nuo did nod his head at some were there , That neco almost kill'd him when he came neer . But mulceo did asswage his fury then , And paco striv'd to appease all these men . Though congruo advis'd them to agree , And allur'd Lacio of his party to be , Yet cingo girds his Sword about him then , And jungo joyns with other marshal men . Ausculto hearkens what they meant to do ; Emo buys Armour to defend him too . Titubo did stumble by his too much hast , Vacillo stagger'd too , they strook so fast . Laedo was hurt , and 's Brother noceo too ; And tueor defends himself with much ado . Tego was cover'd with a gallant Shield , Yet being beat by verbero , made him yield . Plango did much lament his grievous chance , ' Cause ico smote him with his direful Lance. Ruo did rush into that furious Fight , Which did , they say , poor terreo much affright . Sarcio did patch his Armour , 't was so old ; And demo took 't away , he was so bold . Languio did languish ' cause his wounds were deep ; And serpo from the Battle soon did creep . Bold voveo vow'd that he 'd have Armour on ; Which obliviscor forgot , till all was done . Palleo lookt very pale , and wou'd a fled ; but Undaunted teneo soundly held him to 't . Findo did cleave his Enemies scull that day ; Yet medeor made a shift to heal't , they say . Formido did dread to come into the Fight , And culpo blam'd him for 't , they say , that night . Voco did call on vado to go on ; Poor labo faints , when jaceo cast him down : But recupero recover'd incontinent ; For spero gave him hope , being almost spent . As I live , says vivo , statuo did appoint Me Ensigne , in regard I first did win 't . Nosco said , he knew it ; mentior swore he ly'd ; Then acuo whets his sword that hung by 's side . Peace , peace , says taceo ; sudo sweat for fear , And surgo rose and fled into the rear . Singultio then began to sob , they say , Because provoco challeng'd him that day . Cubo fell down , and capio did him take Up agen , when he could hardly speak . Frendeo then did gnash with 's teeth so hard , It drove away poor pello from the Guard. Come , says invenio , I do clearly find Maneo did well to tarry still behind : For incendo here has set us all on fire ; And I 'll begin , says inchoo to retire . Oro prays heartily that it may succeed ; Says indico , I 'll shew you a way with speed . Consulo's counsel they did not dispise ; Condono said , he 'd pardon his Enemies . Fascino thought he was bewitcht he swore ; But patio said , that he had suffered more Than all . Impertio did impart to 'em all ; And I command , says mando , great and small . Obedio vow'd that he 'd the first obey , And Moneo did admonish the same way . Says Narro , I will tell it round the field ; Nolo , though unwilling , yet at last doth yield . And volo was as willing , I do protest ; But malo was more willing than all the rest . I have a mind , says habeo , for to joyn With all this Crew . Says rego , And I 'll resigne My Rule . Sto was at a stand , and gaz'd about ; And certo striv'd to draw this Rabble-rout To some Agreement . At last loquor's Speech Did by degrees soder up the Breach . Tho praedico did preach before in vain , And suadeo did perswade with might and main , And fungo did discharge his duty right , And he with unio caus'd them all unite , And dico said , 'T was best from War to cease , And sancio he establish did a Peace , And solvo paid 'em for their service done , And jurgo chid those from fight did run , Finio the Battle ends : yet most do say , Though jacto brag'd , yet vinco won the day . Numero did number all then were slain , And opto wisht't might nere be so again . Parco was very glad that he was spar'd ; And partio did divide the spoil was shar'd . Irascor was angry , and began to fret , ' Cause adsum was not present when they met . I was , says eram , and am glad to see A Reconciliation so like to be . Then salto danc'd , and ludo 'gan to play On 's Instrument for joy of that happy day . We had better , says lavo , wash our Throats than cut 'em : And tundo knockt for Liquor ; which was brought ' m. Yet turgeo and tumeo 'gan to swell , ' Cause placeor was not pleased very well . Says veto , Jove forbid that we agen Should fight : To which they all did cry , Amen . The Concords . THe Interjections living so near the Concords , Were , as I 'm told , the onely strong Cords To tye 'em up from War ; came in I find In some vehement passion of the mind , And affection also : and before they went , Brought in the three Concords to that intent . The first was Nominative case and Verb , Who striv'd their unbridled passions to curb , By saying , Yet we ne'r did disagree , But liv'd in love , concord , and harmonie In affections ; and so I hope will ye : For we in Case Number and Person still agree . Then the Substantive , who was substantial , Came with 's Adjective at the very first call , Who said , that in Case Gender and Number they Did never disagree , nor disobey Their Superiours , and were each a sure friend , As amicus certus can tell , to the end , In any doubtful matter whatsoere , Witness in re incerta cernitur . So we hope in this brangling matter , To bring 't so to pass all Feuds may scatter Like the dust before the wind . And then Came in the Relative with 's Antecedent , when The other two were endeavouring to compose That great difference where ev'ry one were foes . The Relative said , I 've Relations there : And I , says the Antecedent , shou'd a come here Before the Relative ; but I 'm glad he 's there . Then 't was related to the Relative , how It did begin . Says the Antecedent , Now We will endeavour to make 'em all agree , And adde one Concord more to th' other three . Then they both being together , Did very seriously ask 'em whether They'd adde another Concord to th' three before : If so , then you must never quarrel more . To which they did concord , cum tota mente , With a large Huzza , Nemini Contradicente . The Conjunctions . WHen the Adverbs Quarrel began to cease , The Conjunctions striv'd to make a Peace , With the help of the Prepositions , And their Neighbours the Interjections . Which being done , the Conjunctions they Striv'd to prevent such another day : And by a Conjunction did all agree For the future to live in amitie . And so did joyn some sentences and words Together , and what their Store-house affords , To give some reason that they ought no more To quarrel as others did heretofore . Says et , And I will joyn w' ye in the same . Says quae , And I ; or else I were to blame . Says quoque also , I 'll stick by ye still . Says ac and atque , And also 't was their will. Says nec , Neither I nor my Brother neque ; We 'll break our necks ere we 'll forsake ye . And these coupled themselves then for that end , That they might still be each others friend . Though the Disjunctives did at first disjoyn From the last , yet now to quietness incline . And aut , to excuse himself , said , 'T was either Ve , vel , seu , sive , or he knew not whether That did disjoyn 'em ; but now all do desire To stick close unt' ye to quench the fire . But then the Discretives , that were discreeter Than the other , did say , It was meeter For all to be friends . Says quidem Truly I've often known Disjunctives much unruly . But sed and autem , vero , at , and ast , Thought themselves the Buts , they 'd shoot at last . The Causals then resolv'd next to speak , And thought they 'd cause enough their mind to break : For says nam , namque , enim , and etenim , That some o' th' Adverbs then did threaten 'em ; But know not what for . Says quia , 'T was because ( And so said quoniam ) some had broke the Laws . Says ut , That may be : And quod said That was so . Says quum , Sith that I no Tony am ; And so said quando , that was set for quoniam . Says the Conditionals , On this condition You 'll never more have any division ; We 'll speak for ye . Says si , If I do Believe their ifs and ands agen , let me rue It. Says sin , But if they should first begin , Then at their door I 'm sure does lie the sin . Says modo , So that they 'll but let us alone ; And so said dum , and dummodo , and every one , We 'll never differ more . Says dum , They told me then , That I should marry Dido , Carthage Queen ; But 't was by the very consent of some O' th' Gerunds . To make it up , di , do , dum . The Exceptives then some Exceptions made , As ni , and nisi , being both of one Trade , Said , Except they leave off thus to abuse us , We can't endure long to be us'd thus . Then says alioquin , and praeterquam , Except that they do this , we mean to firk ' um . Then says quin , But I neither except that , Or any thing that 's otherwise , that 's flat . The Interogatives then were took to task , And were resolv'd some Questions to ask . And first , says ne , an , utrum , whether You do intend to speak altogether , Or singly ? Nay , says necne , Whether or no : And so says anne : Says nonne , Is 't not so ? The Illatives then were for bringing in Some novel Custom , that had long been Out of use . Says ergo , Therefore : ideo , Igitur , itaque , and proin , bid ye , ho , To bring in nothing that was against Law. Says quare , Wherefore should they do 't ? thy're raw That do desire it . Then the Adversatives , Who had been very adverse all their lives , And were against every thing that 's good , Now did no more desire to deal in blood : For says etsi , quanquam , quamvis , and licet , Although we hated Peace , yet now we prize it . And before 'em all , says esto , Be it so : And so shall all the rest say 'fore we go . The Redditives then said , That they 'd restore Whatere they had unjustly gotten ; nay , more To be quiet . Says attamen and tamen , Notwithstanding that many does blame men For their wickedness : Yet the Electives say , With quam , How glad are we to see this day ! The Diminutives also did confess , That they endeavour'd to make all things less Than they were , thereby to have quietness . Says saltem at least , and so says honest vel , They were glad to see all things now so well . The Prepositions . A Preposition most commonly is set Before other parts i' th' Grammar-Alphabet . Then why the Adverbs and Conjunctions should be Set before it , a wonder is to me : For he in Apposition can do much , And in Opposition too has a touch . For he to 's Father , if he please , can say , Ad Patrem ; and when he has done , go his way . Likewise in opposition is very bold With the rest of 's Brethren , as I 've been told . And then for composition , none can be So great an Artist in that Trade as he , As indoctus , though unlearn'd , said to me . 'T was he that great composition made To th' Adverbs , when they that great quarrel had ; And privately was the cause , they say , That the Verbs themselves fought no more that day : And call'd to all of them that were his Crew , That they in that thing should joyn with him too . And first , says ad , I 'll adde to any thing Which may indeed peace and quietness bring . And I will be , says apud , at the same ; And they that do it not , are much to blame . Then were adversus , and 's Brother adversum , Against fighting too : but said , There were some That delighted in 't , and they could rehearse ' um . Yes , says cis and citra on this side the street , Many often about it together did meet . Yes , says trans , on the further side too ; But they at my request , themselves withdrew . Then says circa , circiter , and circum , About that time we were us'd to jerk 'um For it . I was , says contra , on t'other part , And did contrary them in all their Art. As I went , says erga , towards 'em too , I forc'd 'em to peace , do all they could do . And versus towards 'em went , as I have heard , And took the untoward and pluck'd 'em by the beard . I was , says extra , without when 't was done : And I , says intra , within when 't was begun . I was just then , says inter , between ye both , And was much troubled to see 'em all in wrath . And I was then , says infra , beneath ye all , Yet not so far as to be out of call . I was , says pone , behind ; ye cou'd not see Me at all : I stood behind a Tree . And I was also , says prope , nigh to , Yet was seeing for a place to flie to . But I was , says supra , above ye all , I mean , i' th' Room which is above the Hall. And I was , says ultra , beyond the rest , To sleep in a whole skin I thought it best . And I , says per , by too ; but through my desire For peace , did endeavour to quench the fire . I was then , says secus , by or nigh to , But I 'll assure ye had no mind to die too . Says juxta , And besides I was nigh to , and Ob , For some reasons , which you 'll understand . I had it , says penes , in my power either To set 'em by the Ears together , Or to make peace ; truth is , I car'd not whether . Says praeter , Besides , or except I had been there , Great mischief wou'd a been done , I dare swear : For I being praetor , that 's Lord-Mayor , you know , Kept 'em in aw , and brought 'em all to my bow . Last , says secundum , According to what you 've said , Your will with me shall always be obey'd . Then the Propositions broke up their Court , And all to their own Stations did resort . The Interjections . AN Interjection is a part , I find , Which concerns a sudden passion o' th' mind : But 't is under an imperfect voice , I hear , ( That is to say , within their proper Sphere . ) Some are so merry , they 're to mirth inclin'd : Says evax , vah , hey brave ! We 'll not be confin'd : Can they want any thing that are merry ? Come , Boy , fill us a lusty Cup of Sherry . Some are with sorrow attended , still they say , As heu , Alas ! and says hui , Welladay ! Some are possest with dread ; says atat , Out alas , What shall we do , being brought to this pass ? Some are of marvelling too ; which argues change : And all do cry still with papae , O strange ! Some are of shunning , and all back will run , And boldly say with 〈◊〉 avant , Be gone . And of pratling 〈…〉 says euge , Well done . And some of 〈…〉 ' ●is very true , Who all do cry 〈…〉 hoop , whoo ! And so●… 〈…〉 and oft cry Foh ; And with 〈…〉 proh , cry Oh : As ô preceptor●… 〈…〉 ●ras ? O , Master , why 〈…〉 me ? Alas , alas ! And proh 〈…〉 Fidem ! O the Faith o● 〈…〉 to guide ' em ! And some 〈…〉 delight , I see ; And all say lik● 〈…〉 vae , Wo t' ye . And all the 〈…〉 therein , Saying , Woe 〈…〉 that shall quarrel agen , And wish they may go all down quick to th' Pit : Then says all the rest . Amen , So be it . The Gerunds . THere be also belonging to th' Infinitive Mood Of Verbs , certain Voices ( to be understood ) Call'd Gerunds , having all their endings in Di , do , dum ; and so of long time have bin : As amandi , of loving . 'T is very true , A man die of loving , 't is nothing new . Amando , in loving , is brought to 's end . I saw a man do much in that to 's friend . Amandum , to love ; that 's more than all the rest . When a man is dumb , how can's mind be exprest ? And as di , do , dum , all their endings are , And when they do die , they 're dumb , I 'll swear : For after death , there 's few speak any where , As I 've been told by some o' th' Neighbours there . For those di do endings bring 'em to their ends ; And therefore enemies to 'em , and not friends . And when they do die , as being Gerunds , Then Mr. Death does send 'em of his Errands . The Supines . THere do also belong unto Verbs , two Supines ; and that they may have their due , One ending in um , which is call'd the first , But the other in u , which is much the worst . The first is of the Active Regiment , And clearly to love and loving is bent : And where-ever he goes , says eo amatum , I go to love , and not to cheat ' um . But that in u is rugged , harsh , severe , And very hard to be loved any where , As difficilis amatu told us there . They both are descended from one Su Pine , Who was their Mother , and born under th' Line . And likewise she her self came from the Loins Of him that was the Prince o' th' Isle of Pines . They 're both of different temper , yet Brothers As if they 'd been descended from two Mothers . The Conjugations . THe Verbs have onely four Conjugations ; Which are known in this manner , in all Nations : And they are Feminines all , as I hear ; And by that time you know it , you 'll say 't is clear . First , by their names , as amare , amaris ; That is , one Mrs. Mary was Lady Mayoress . And indeed they love well three of the four , But the other they hate for evermore . And the reason why they love the first , second , & fourth , Is , because they think 'em of very much worth ; Because they 're pronounc'd long in the middle Syllable in the next line : and let the third go fiddle : For he in the middle is found to be but short , And so by consequence makes them no sport . And being Conjugations , they are wedded To the other three , but will ne'r be bedded To the third ; and I certainly know this , As long as his name is legere , legeris . Thus you 've heard the meaning of all the four Conjugations ; what need I say any more ? The Persons . THere are among the Verbs , Persons also , And very great Persons too , you must know . Their Numbers are great too , nay more than one : For there 's two numbers of 'em which are known . And seeing the numbers of 'em are so great , We 'll appoint numero them to repeat : Of which persons there is but onely three That are singular men ; which I 'll make known t' ye . That 's the most Princely Impero , Mando , And Jubeo ; which command as much as men can do . Other three there are plurally addicted , And are for more than one naturally affected ; Which is the cause that they do never marry , But Misses numberless 'bout with 'em carry . The Servants to the first , are ego , tu , ille ; Which is as much as to say , I , thou , he , Will domineer over all the Country . And the Servants o' th' last are in number the same , But not o' th' same number , yet as much fame ; And they are call'd nos , vos , illi , they say ; That is to be interpreted , we , ye , they , We 'll all be drunk as often as we may . Then ego amo , I love ; tu amas , thou lovest ; I lle amat , he loveth : Now which loves best ? The other which is called nos amamus , We love ; for which I hope you won't blame us . Vos amatis , ye love ; why shou'd ye not ? Illi amant , they love ; Love's all their lot . It had been well if all the Verbs had been so , Then we shou'd have had no fighting you know . Thus have you heard the Persons and Numbers too : So that I think I 've nothing more to do . The Pronouns courting a Mistriss . A Pronoun is a fellow much like to a Noun , And thinks himself the bravest man in Town ; And still in Poetry will be versing , But 's chief business is shewing and rehearsing . A very pretty , witty , and buxom Maid They'd lately got among 'em , as 't is said : And every one did think himself better Than the rest ; and so did strive to get her . Says ego , I am chief of all the rest , And therefore think I do deserve her best . Says tu , Thou have her ! what , ' cause y' are Foreman O' th' Jury ? Yet she knows y' are but a poor man. But here 's one call'd sui , of himself can say In 's own behalf , more than any of they . Says ille , He to my knowledge cannot break His mind : for I ne'r yet heard him speak . But here 's one Mr. ipse , the man will be , Because sh 'as long known him , ipse , he . Though ipse be the very man you speak of , Yet I say iste the match will break off , ' Cause he 's an Hermaphrodite , both he and she , So not fit for that Ladies companie . Says hic , Though iste this and that do say , Yet I hic , this man , will have her away . How , says iste , is that the man must do 't ? There 's one Mr. meus will hold him to 't : For she is , says meus , mine ; therefore I , Before I 'll lose her , am resolv'd to die . Then says tuus , Thine she shall be for me ; For I 'm resolv'd not to fight for any she . Says noster , Ours she is , and ours shall be : She is , says vester , yours , if you and I agree : For you know that whatsoever is yours , If I participate therein , 't is ours . And then began too Monsieur nostras , Who in his Country-Language was boistrous To get her from the two last , saying , She is Of our Country . Says vestras , And so 't is : For your Country is our Country , and so Our Country is your Country all do know , And so belongs unto us both ; let 's go And take her . Says cujas that was lurking by , You both lay claim to her as yours ; but I Lay claim to her , not onely as of my Country , but of my Sect too , certainly . So took her from them all , saying , Know , Who dares resist , is my perpetual foe ; And they for fear , it seems , did let her go . Then up the Court rose , and did march in May Unto their own homes , which is much , you 'll say . The Participles . A Participle doth participate With Noun and Verb in all degrees and state : With the Noun , in Gender , Case , Declension ; With the Verb , in Tense and Signification . And yet to make the wonder the bigger , Takes part with both in number and figure . There are of Participles but four kinds , Which scarce do know one anothers minds : For they never are together at one time ; Which to offer to do , wou'd be a Crime . The Present , Preter , Future in rus and dus : How , two Futures ! that 's preposterous . O , Sir , 't is most certain ; and I say yes : For is not the next year future to this ? And the third year also future to that ? So now you see there 's two futures , that 's flat . The present hath two ends to lodge at , ans And ens ; and the Landlord to th' first is amans Loving : for we know that a mans loving is The cause of his great sorrow or bliss . And as before-said , the second is call'd ens , Whose Masters name is Monsieur docens : Who is teaching of 'em all perpetually ; But those that are not present , by and by : But chiefly the present time is his aim , And every day will be to him the same . The second is praeter , who likewise has three ends In English , as d , t , n , who are his friends ; As loved , taught , slain . He has also Three ends of Latin too , which we also know , As tus , sus , xus ; as amatus , visus , nexus ; Who when we are construing , does always vex us . And another dull dead word , in uus , Which is Mr. Morio●'s Son , mortuus : He hates the present Tense ; for he 's for nought But that which is past , which he has dearly bought By vindicating that which he will ne'r see , And so to himself is a great Enemie . But that in rus , which is a Country-man , Has an active voice ( though looking wan ) By being about to love Amaturus Daughter ; That is , if not now , he 'll do 't hereafter . But that in dus doth suffer very much more Than all the other three that were before : For he scorns to love , being often moved To it ; but with amandus , to be beloved : For a man does love to be belov'd sometimes ; That is , when young Ladies are in their primes . And as they were all to Nouns and Verbs alli'd , So in their distinct seasons , were to them a Guide . They all were glad the Verbs a Peace had made ; For when they heard on 't first , were all afraid : And to the Concords for that agreement Which they had made , they in their seasons went To give 'em thanks ; and then their Healths did tipple : Which was then done by every Participle . POEMS and SONGS . A Mock-Song to Beauty . 1. MY Love is a pretty Lass As any 's in all the Town ; Her Face doth shine like Brass , And her Skin of a Tawny-brown . 2. Her Hair 's of a lovely red , With Horsegirt-Ribbands tied , And hangs about her head Like Daglocks beautified . 3. Her Forehead is low and rough , Just like a pleated Gown ; Her Ears are large and tough , And always are hanging down . 4. Her Eyes are sunk full low Into her pretty head ; From whence a Cream doth flow That over her face doth spread . 5. The one of her Eyes is large , The other is very small ; Her Mouth it is like a Barge , For length and breadth and all . 6. Her Nose of a Scarlet hue , Well set with Jems about , And all do appear in view To adorn her delicate Snout . 7. Though her Nose and Chin did jar , Yet now they are perfect friends ; And though at distance were , Now touch at both the ends . 8. Her Teeth they are black and blue , Her Tongue than the Cows more neat ; Her Lips of a silver hue , And thatcht with Hair compleat . 9. Her Neck it is thick and short , Just like our brindled Cow ; And when she sings for sport , She grunts like our old Sow . 10. Her Shoulders and Arms are strong , And both of a lusty growth ; To which her Hands do belong , That are Shoulders of Mutton both . 11. Her Back it is high and plump , That some have her Credit defil'd , By saying , that above her Rump She always did seem with Child . 12. There 's never a Girl in Town Of her Breasts can make such brags ; For they still are dangling down Like half-fill'd Pudding-bags . 13. Of her Hanches she often boasts , Because they are very fair ; Her Thighs are two Windmil-posts , So they 'd need for the weight they bear . 14. Her Legs are lovely and great , Which doth her Credit maintain ; And therefore must needs be neat , Being born in Crooked-lane . 15. And now for her pretty Feet , They can her Arms display ; But to see how her Heels do meet , Now her Toes are worn away . 16. Having heard the parts of my Dame , I now do conclude my Droll ; And having no Toes , her name Is call'd Stump-footed Moll . In praise of the Taylors trade . THe Taylors Trade is antient , all we know ; For in the first of times they learnt to sow , And made them Breeches then , and Aprons too : But was not worth a fig , to what 't is now . Threadneedle-street likewise to all is known To be the antient'st Street in London-Town . The Cross-leg'd Signe was there the first set up , And likewise there was first a Taylors shop . Their Arms are antient too , and well them fits ; Which is three Rampant Lice and a Cluster of Nits : Which Coat of Arms , with something else , hath made More Gentlemen of that , than any Trade . And now I do believe you 'd know the cause ; Have patience , and I 'll tell you how it was : An antient Gentleman that was decay'd , ( Who once had been a rich and ruffling Blade ) Brought 's Doublet to mend to a Taylors house , On which were creeping many a lusty Louse ; But one more large and rampant than the rest , Which made the Taylor think he was the best And chief of all that sharp Back-biting Crew ; Which he took up , and cut him just in two With his new Shears , and gave his Wife one half To eat , and th' other half did eat himself . And from that time did verily think that he Was a Gentleman , and of antiquitie , Because that Louse he knew had suckt before Of the antient Gentlemans blood such store . And 's Wife likewise did verily think she was A Gentlewoman too for that very cause : And so did write themselves , do all we cou'd , Because they eat so much o' th' gentile bloud . Nay , his man did say he was half a Gentleman , Having lickt the Shears that cut the Louse in twain . Then he drank hard , which you know doth make us Gentlemen all that are friends to Bacchus : And when others would leave half i' th' Cup , Yet he would always wind his Bottoms up . Nay , those which drank not , he would say were dull , And tell 'em still , 't was but a Thimble-full , He could not drink to mend his Bloud , I 'm sure ; You know his Bloud was good enough before . When other Gentlemen would say they were Gentlemen of such and such a Shire , Yet he excels them all in spight of their Ears ; Theirs came from one , his from a pair of Shears . And whereas other men did call the Court Behind their house , a Backside ; he , in sport , Commands them all to call 't a Yard : for he knew His Wife would be well-pleas'd with that name too : And please her he must in all his discourse , Because the grey Mare was known the better Horse . And likewise knew it did belong to 's Trade ; Without a Yard , no measure could be made . Some say , by Surgery too he was grown rich : For never man did better cure a Stitch. Your Lawyers likewise much a Taylor praise , Saying , 't is an excellent Trade now-a-days ; Nay , best for a Lawyer in all the Land , ' Cause he has still so many Suits in hand . One askt him why he marri'd a Northern woman ? He told him , in their Trade 't was very common , Because their Needle still to th' North doth tend ; And as their Needle guides , so they must bend . He hath a Goose too , that flutters still so high , And is so proud , that it presses all't comes nigh : And 't is a Goose that ne'r had more than one Wing at all ( when that 's off , he 'll have none . ) Other Geese do swim , but these , Pox rot 'um , Do still i' th' water sink down to th' bottom . Besides his Yard , he hath another Measure Which he doth clip and alter at his pleasure . The Barbers Trade is not so gentile as it , Because they stand , but Taylors always sit Still at their work : which was the cause , I think , A fellow said ( when he was got in drink ) That a Taylors feet stunk the worst of any Trade whatsoever ; ( although there be many ) And reasons gave us why they were so strong , Because they 're under his breech all day long . A Taylor sent the other day ( I know him ) Unto a man for ten pounds he did owe him . What makes thy Master send thus every day ? I hope he does not think I 'm running away ? No , Sir , though you are not , I 'll tell you true , Yet he must do 't within a day or two . A Taylor once was bid to make a Gown ; And who d' ye think 't was for ? 't was for the Moon : And as he tri'd it still ( as all men say ) It was too big or little every day . The Taylor then was not in fault , you see ; But 't was indeed the Moon 's inconstancie . How can't be otherways , being stuft with Lunacie , And commonly light-headed used to be ? There is a Proverb which has been of old , And many men have likewise been so bold , To the discredit of the Taylors Trade , Nine Taylors goes to make up a man , they said . But for their credit I 'll unriddle it t' ye : A Draper once fell into povertie , Nine Taylors joyn'd their Purses together then , To set him up , and make him a man agen : Which made him vow , nay bound it with some Oaths , That none but Taylors hereafter should make his Cloths . The POSTSCRIPT . Thus have you heard the Taylor o're and o're , And more I think than ere you heard before ; And when he works , doth still fit on 's breech , But yet to all he still went thorow stitch . And though some Taylors take delight in cupping , Yet Breadstreet is their best place to set up in . A SONG , To the Tune of Well , well , 't is true , That I 'm fallen in love , and 't is with you . 1. Go , go , you Slut , That day and night art cramming of thy Gut This sad and pinching year : How can this mean Estate of mine Supply that Gulphlike Paunch of thine , Now every thing 's so dear ? Remember once , you Jade , at Islington You eat , besides of Bread and Cheese , a dozen Cakes alone 2. Once we did go Abroad into the Fields to walk , you know ; And then , forsooth , you cri'd , You were so faint for want of Meat , And must have something then to eat , Or else you should have di'd . Yet thou didst eat , when we came out a door , A Pidgeon-pye the crust and all , but half an hour before . 3. Nay , more , you Swine : When I invited once some Friends of mine , You presently did fall Upon the Meat was on the Spit , And ere that we could eat a bit , Thou hadst devour'd it all . Retrench this gormandizing trade , you Whore , Or else I vow by mighty Jove , I 'll turn thee out a door . A Song on a Lady and her Chamber-Maid . 1. A Chamber-Maid was got with Child ; For which her Lady did call her Whore , And said that sh 'ad her house defil'd , And vow'd she 'd turn her out a door . Who got the Child , says she , you Jade ? Your Husband , and please you , Madam . Why where , you Whore ? Forsooth , she said , In the Trucklebed a Hadham . 2. Why where was I ? I 'll know the truth : Come tell me , or else I 'll make ye . In the high bed fast asleep , forsooth , And I was afraid to wake ye . Why did you not cry out , you Drab , When first you saw he begun it ? Truly , forsooth , I was never a Blab Of my Tongue : Wou'd you a done it ? 3. And besides , forsooth , you know That I your humour know too well , That if you 're suddenly wakt , you 'll throw And tear like to a Fiend of Hell. Nay , you 'll cry out with loud Alarms , And fling what your fingers touches , That I 'd rather be in my Masters Arms , Than ever to come in your Clutches . 4. Why did you not then sooner go , You errant Quean , before 't was known ? Truly , Madam , 't is even so , Because that you had none a your own . And indeed , Madam , the truth to tell , I think I well did plot it , Imagining you would use it well For his dear sake that got it . A Song called the Hasty Wedding . The Tune is the Gunfleet . 1. I 'm in love , says Noll : Indeed , says Doll ! But prethee say with who ? I fear , says he : Come speak , says she : Why then it is with you . You jest , says Doll ! Good faith , says Noll , You do me wrong , my Dolly . But men , says she , to flattery be Too much addicted , Nolly . 2. I vow , says Noll , I love thee , Doll : But pray , Sir , tell me where ? At my heart , says he : At your heart , says she ! And do you love me there ? 'T is true , says Noll : But you , says Doll , Do love another better . Who is 't , says he ? Why Nan , says she ; You t'other day did treat her . 3. Fie , fie , says Noll ! Why , why , says Doll ? Why Nan did come to me , And pray'd me write that very night To her Sweet-heart Humfrey . What then , says Doll ? Why then , says Noll , I gave her a pint of Wine , Doll . What else , says she ? Why Cakes , says he , And yet no Miss of mine , Doll . 4. But yet , says Doll , my Father , Noll , Does say y' are poor of late . How ! poor , says he ! Yes , poor , says she , And must not be my Mate . I have , says Noll : What hast , says Doll ? Why I have a House and Land , Doll . Where is 't , says she ? Why 't is , says he , At the lower end o' th' Strand , Doll . 5. What Goods , says Doll ? All sorts , says Noll , That in a house is common . Indeed , says she ! And fit , says he , For any honest woman . How , how , says Doll ! Good faith , says Noll , 'T is true ; and all are my own : And a Feather-bed , with Curtains red , For thee and I to lie on . 6. Then 't is , says Doll , a Match , my Noll , Let Father and Mother chide . Is 't done , says he ? 'T is done , says she ; And I will be thy Bride . Let 's kiss , says Noll : Content , says Doll ; And there 's another for ye . When wed we , says he ? To morrow , says she . We will no longer tarric . 7. Come then , says Noll , we 'll go , my Doll , And see the house before ; And then , says he : What then , says she ? Thou't find I am not poor . Agreed , says Doll ; and — And when , says Noll , To morrow we are wedded , Thy Parents shall , and Kindred all , Then come and see us bedded . Iter Orientale : or , a Voyage from London to Chipping-Unger in Essex ; performed by some Gentlemen in August 1674. HEnceforth I never more will hunger To ride again to Chipping-Vnger In Essex County , as I hear , And month of August every year . Not but we had a gallant Feast , And Meat most delicately drest , As Turky , Pig , Goose ; and the chief Was an excellent piece of Beef , So large , it made the Spit to bend , And a yard distance from either end ; And when 't came up , there were two able Men to bring it to the Table : With Pullets , Capons , and on my word , All that time o' th' year cou'd afford . And then we did excel in Drink Of several sorts . Stay , let me think . And first we had good humming Beer , The best , I think , in all the Shire : And store of Nappy Ale likewise , Which quickly did our brains surprize : But then of Wine we had such store , I thought one house could hold no more . The Tables fill'd with Bottles were , We scarce cou'd set Tobacco there ; That one to ask was then so bold , Whether the Bottles were to be sold ? And yet to make up more variety , Of Friends there was a brave society , So truly merry and so free , I was ne'r in better Companie . Handsome , witty , and good humour too ; Faith , and that 's much in so great a Crew , That every thing there spoke or done , Was Object of Mirth to every one : And all resolv'd there to be merry ; But alas , poor Captain , he was weary , And gauled was so much , that he Cou'd find no part of 's Rump was free . This being so , you 'll ask me then , Why I 'll no more to Vnger agen : Which to unriddle , I will not fail ; But now comes out a doleful Tale That ever yet was heard before , His Buttocks being so vilely tore . The Horse whereon he then did ride , Wore Whalebone-Bodies on either side : For the Spur had made the Ribs appear , As if you had Glass-windows there . And then he had so sweet a trot , By that time I two miles had got , As if it were for the very nonce : For it dislocated all my bones . And then his trotting was so high , He 'd mount me up ; then by and by Wou'd let me down with such a jolt , I had much ado to keep my holt . He once did lift me up so high ; ( But here you 'll think I tell a lye ) Far be 't from me ; I 'm not so given : For I heard the Angels sing in Heaven . You may think I hyperbolize , But I hope you do not think 'em lyes : For at that time I did bestraddle Such a fashion'd uncouth Saddle : For such a one it chanc'd to be , From which , good Lord , deliver me From such another : For allagree 'T was made of Deal-boards certainlie ; But some a better name did give it , Saying , 't was Wainscot ; you may believe it : And I began to think so too . It was so hard , I swear to you , I thought't had lain in water or mud That turns all things to stone that 's wood : For I did find a rising bump O' th' top , which often hit my Rump ; And went to cut it , but on my life , It soon turn'd the edge of my Knife . I hope you think , when on 't I rid , A pleasant Saddle I bestrid . In Stirrup-leathers I was blest , ' Cause they were like to all the rest : For they in pieces were so plenty , I think in number almost twenty ; They were so patcht in knots and bumps , And other risings just like lumps , That I protest I broke my knuckle To draw the Leather through the Buckle . The Buckles and Stirrups were with rust So eat , that all that saw 'em , must Seek for a Faith to believe that ere They were iron , so unlike they were . Yet I believe that I am able To prove , that the straps o' th' Saddle Had once been Leather , when I had found Two or three holes both round and sound . And for my Girts , I do protest , I cannot tell whether 't is best To call 'em so : for one I found Not square , but excellently round ; Which makes me think that it was made Just when the Roundheads drove their trade , For its antiquity and make . But for the other , if I may speak My mind freely , the breadth's about A quarter and nail , I dare avow't ; By which you see they were not brothers , Being so unlike one another . And for the Bridle , this I 'll say , 'T was onely for a Lord-Mayors-day For an Alderman to ride upon , If then he cou'd get such a one . Being thus accommodated , I Did ride by th' Coach triumphantly , Unto the credit then of all My Dames that rode there , both great and small . But now comes out the saddest Tale , Which my poor Rump does still bewail : For never Rump was served so , When they to Vnger ere did go . I 'd rather to endure a whipping , Than ride again to Vnger-Chipping : I 'm sure I shou'd have lesser whales Than I had then upon my Tail. And well they may Chipping call it ; For 't chipt my Nock , and did so maul it In many Chips and corner'd cuts , I cou'd not help it for my Guts : So gaul'd it was in many places , That I was forc'd make many faces ( Whensoever I got it drest ) And yet no Painter , I protest . Sometimes 't wou'd itch , and then I 'd scrat ; Then turn a this side , and then a that : Sometimes 't wou'd smart , then must I Not sit at all , but stand or lie . Some seeing me lean a one side , sware That I was whispering to the Chair . Others askt me why I pensive sate , Saying , 't was so with me but a late . Nay , I heard one whisper through a Gap , That certainly I had got a Clap. And when I kneel'd against a Chair , They 'd ask me if I were at Prayer . And when for ease I on my Belly lay , Sure you're asham'd to shew your face , they 'd say . And when that I came through a Town From Vnger , says a Country Clown , Like Crookbackt Richard I did ride , When I turn'd my Rump up a one side . And at another Town , a fellow sware I was like the Bunchbackt Taylor there . And when to ease my Nock I lay On the Horse-neck , then they say , ( When I was in that pitiful case ) Sure that man 's a running a Race . And as through Stratford-Bow I came , Says one , How d' ye , Sir ? are you lame , Or are you gaul'd , and is it sore ? Ah , friend , thought I , than all before , Thou speakest truest : He bid me pick From off a Tree an Elder-stick , And put into my Pocket ; and swore That at that time 't wou'd gaul no more . Troth , friend , thought I , I 'm o' thy mind : For I am so much gaul'd behind , There 's no place free , it is so tore , How cou'd it then gaul any more ? Thus you may see my desperate case Being so , to jeer me to my face . Then I do every man advise Not to ride as I did , if he be wise : Which to prevent , let him never paddle , As I did then , on such a Saddle . Perhaps you 'll ask why I did not look Before I leapt : I swear upon a book I cou'd not help it ; the horse was sent ( As 't were to me in complement ) And left him at my Lodging-door , When all the rest were gone before : So Hobsons choice was left to me , Either this or none , most certainlie . Then every one began to say , They did not pity me that day : For had I gallopt as I ought , I had to the Town more Leather brought ; But I , forsooth , must often tarry For my Dog Tango , that was weary . Sure I think it was good nature Not to leave a poor dumb Creature In a strange place : for I 'll swear He ne'r did speak as I did hear ; And being dumb , how cou'd he then Beg relief from Country-men ? For some an 'um are like a Hog , To respect him no more than a Dog ; Unless that he at Barking had bin In Essex too , with some of his Kin , Who might relieve him for 's barkings sake , Although poor thing he cou'd not speak : For Barking was his Dialect ; and how Can Essex-men understand Baw waw ? So Tango might be starved in A Country where he ne'r had bin . His feet were surbated , and he sick ; Which toucht poor Tango to the quick . Thus have you heard most certainly , The Story of my Dog and I. I now must speak of two Comrades Which furnisht were with arrant Jades , As we our self was furnished , Except the Saddle on which I rid . The young mans horse came from a Butcher , Who kickt when he did not touch her . His horse was raw , and lean , and tall , He lookt like Alexander on 's Bucephal . I cannot say he lost much Leather , Yet brought home less than he carri'd thither . And 's Comrade too that with him went Home , did confess his Rump was rent . Their Rumps were bad , but mine was worse , That we all may say , God a mercy Horse . The POSTSCRIPT . Thus have you heard our Iter Orientale , Which to us three was very male ; But I the worst of all that Jovial Crew : So iterum , atque iterum , I bid ye adieu . A new Song . 1. I Once for a fancy , did love pretty Nancy , Till Jenny came into the place ; Who when I did see , there 's no man cou'd be Ever so took with a face . 2. But when at a Ball I saw pretty Mall , Methoughts she tript it so fine , I felt such a smart , that I us'd all my art By presents to make her mine . 3. This lasted a day , until at a Play I saw my beautiful Jone ; Which made me to think I was just at the brink Of marriage with her or none . 4. This humour did last until I did cast My eyes on my pretty fine Kate ; My heart was so caught , that I verily thought She should have been my Mate . 5. But after a while , I seeing the smile Of my dear bonny sweet Betty ; Which made me to start , that I thought in my heart That none cou'd ere be so pretty . 6. But being a Guest at a Wedding-feast , I there sweet Susan espide ; And truth for to tell , I likt her so well , I thought to a made her my Bride . 7. But after a day , at a place where I lay , I chanc'd fair Nelly to see ; That I never was so in love with a Lass , She was so airy and free . 8. But yet for all this , I soon left that Miss , When I heard sweet Abigail's voice ; She tril'd it so well , I then 'gan to smell That here I should make my choice . 9. And this did remain for a day or twain , Till I heard fair Dolly to play So well on the Lute , I then 'gan my sute For marriage with her the next day . 10. Fair Hester at last had my heart so fast , I resolv'd to make her my own ; But a little after I handsomely left her , For my humour of love was gone . 11. Yet I never will grieve , for I still do believe I 've a Mistriss yet to come ; Or else I must say , I 'm in love ev'ry day ; But I cannot tell with whom . A new SONG . 1. LEt 's strive to improve our Talent of Love , 'T is that which can give us content ; We 'll banish those fears that usher in cares , And give to our Pleasures a vent . 2. And when we begin to be stupid within , We 'll march to the Tavern amain : For a cup of good Sack will supply what we lack , And restore us to Pleasures again . 3. For Sorrow and Care does but bring in despair , And makes us like Drones to sit ; But Cupid and Bacchus will every day make us Masters of Pleasure and Wit. A new SONG . 1. PRethee , Caelia , tell me why Thou 'st been so strange of late ? What Object now has took thy eye , That I am thus so soon laid by , As one that 's out of date ? 2. Thou knowst my kindness still was such , As none cou'd ere be more . And which is now in Gallants much , I in my promise still kept touch , Which no man did before . 3. Is it because thou lov'st to range And take thy swing about ? If it be so , methinks 't is strange That any one a friend should change For one o' th' common Rout. 4. Or else dost think my Fortune lean , And cannot entertain Thee in a handsome Miss-like mean ? ( Though I confess 't is often seen ) Faith , Caelia , this is vain . 5. But if 't be Pride , then Caelia , know I gave thee thy renown , And made thy Infant-fortunes grow , When thou were 't in esteem so low , Thy name was scarcely known . 6. Had not my Pen advanc'd thy fame , and gave it wings to flye , thou d'st been as one without a name , And in thy Reputation lame To every vulgar eye . 7. Then , Celia , since I 've made thee great , I 'll take thee down agen , And make thy Glories so retreat , That all shall take thee for a Cheat , And where 's poor Celia then ? 8. Thus art thou brought , by foolish pride , Into this low estate ; Hadst thou been kind , thou hadst me ti'd To make thee at the last my Bride : But , Celia , now't's too late . A new Song : The Tune is , Mr. Staggins his Minuit which he made for the Ball at Whitehal , 1673. 1. GOne is my Dearest , she I so admired ; Never was man so dejected before : She so much Beauty had , all hearts she fired ; No one cou'd ever be Mistriss of more . But when her charming Eyes Once let their glances flie , None cou'd withstand 'em , but all fell in love . Nay , some did think she was Clad in that humane dress , And by the Gods sent down from above . 2. And though so fair she was , never did woman Wear so much modesty still in her face ; And of so great a Wit , that it was common Still to deliver her words with a grace . But when her Lute she took , She on't so sweetly strook , Never did Mortals such harmony hear ; We thought the Heavenly Quire All met and fixt in her , And then did wish our selves nothing but ear . 3. Then welcome Sadness , and farewel all Pleasure , Nothing is left for me now but despair ; And of the Gods I beg some little leisure Onely to shed on her Grave a sad tear ; And there deplore the fate Of my dear peerless Mate . That after-ages may give her her due , Also I beg to have This Motto on my Grave , Never , O never died Lover so true . A new SONG . The Tune is , The Duke of Lorains March. 1. ROuse up , Boys ; Ease destroys Every martial wight : Then arm apace , the Foes increase , And all prepar'd to fight . Tantarara , tantarara , The Trumpets sound amain ; Then let 's away to win the day , That every one may honour gain . 2. It is decreed , Delay does breed Danger still in War ; Then let us go to meet the Foe , Before they advance too far . Dub a dub a dub , Dub a dub a dub ; The Drums a Charge do beat : Then let us fight from morn till night , Until we make 'em all retreat . 3. And all that can , must charge i' th' Van , Until you 've broke their Rank ; If'twill not do , then you must go And charge 'em in the Flank . And then you must be sure , Boys , To charge 'em in the Rear , Until they flie ; then you must cry , Away they run , they run for fear . 4. When that is done , and Field is won , The Plunder is your own ; The Spoils in War , most lawful are , To every man 't is known . And then you may with freedom , Boys , Drink and take your ease ; Or with a Miss to court and kiss , As you your fancy mean to please . A SONG . To which , the two last Verses were lately added . 1. NO scornful Beauty ere shall boast She made me love in vain ; Those men are fools , who once are crost , If ere they love again . To whine and pine , I never can , And tell you I must die ; It is so much beneath a man , I 'll never do 't , not I. 2. Perhaps some puling fool may weep , And court her with a Tear ; And at her footstool cringe and creep , And idolize her there . Such Coxcombs do deserve to be Inslav'd by women still . My Soul 's too great for any she , To captivate my will. 3. Would men be rul'd by me , we 'd make Those scornful things recant , And should from us their measures take , What we are pleas'd to grant : For why should we be subject thus To things so much below us ? Preeminence belongs to us , 'T is they do duty owe us . A Song call'd , My Mistriss is all the Genders . The Tune , Shackle de Hay . 1. ANd first she 's counted Masculine , Because she 's a Virago , And born at th' Indies under th' Line , At the Island call'd Tobago ; Where she has deceiv'd full many a man , That they from her have quiv'ring ran , As if they had an Ago . 2. Another call'd her Feminine , And swore she of that Sex is , ' Cause in her book they 'd interline , They never use Indexes : For turn unto what place you will , You 'll always find it open still , Which never man perplexes . 3. Then I heard another say , He thought she was a Neuter , Because there came the other day A Pupil and a Tutor : But unto neither she 'd incline , But unto both would singly joyn , That so they might recruit her . 4. Then I thought her the Common of Two , From the Couple last was there , Sir , And to her Parents gave their due , As hic & haec did swear , Sir. But if that she be common to two , She 'll ne'r be true to me nor you ; And therefore have a care , Sir. 5. Then I thought her the Common of Three , Hic , haec , & hoc being with her ; And foelix , O happy was he Did catch 'em altogether . And if that she be common to three , She 'll ne'r be true to you nor me , Nor constant unto either . 6. Then I thought , and so wou'd you , She was of the Doubtful Gender ; For hic vel haec , and dies too , Did day by day attend her . And o' th' Doubtful Gender if she be , She 'll doubtful be to you and me , Although we do befriend her . 7. And after we had scan'd her faults , We found her much obsceanea ; And set a period to our thoughts , To call her Epicaena , Both he and she , Hermaphrodite ; And Aquila did say she was right , And call'd her pocky Queana . 8. Thus have I shew'd my Mistriss t' ye , Both Feminine , Mas , and Neuter , Nay , Common of Two , and Common of Three , And Doubtful to her Suiter . And Epicaene we may her call , Because she swears she owns 'em all , There 's none that can confute her . My Mistriss understands all the Cases . To the same Tune . 1. MY Mistriss she hath Policie , There 's none can undermine her : For underneath her self she 'll lie , Yet I will not define her . She all mens Cases makes her own , ' Cause she 's to all their Cases known ; And therefore I 'll decline her . 2. And first , she is a Nominative , ' Cause she declineth Nomen ; And in the act Hominative , Denies not Knights nor Yeomen . Nay , she can name 'em all at large , That ere sail'd within her Barge , Whether they be tall or low men . 3. Next , I call her Genitive , ' Cause she 's for Procreation ; And she does use a Lenitive , As a help to Generation . Nay , she 's for getting all she can From every stout begetting man , The best in all the Nation . 4. Then a Dative she is known , From Do that was her Founder ; And before you quick falls down As flat as any Flounder : But whatsoever she doth give , She ten times more doth still receive ; Which seems to me a wonder . 5. I then Accusative her call , Whenever they neglect her : For she will curse and blame 'em all , Because they do reject her . But when her blaming fit is ore , You then may enter Portal-door , And calls you her Protector . 6. Nay , all do call her Vocative , Because sh 'as a Vocation , And has an art provocative , To invite 'em to her Station . But when they offer to go away , Then O she cries , Whoop Holiday , Let 's use Conglutination . 7. Last I call her Ablative , Because she 's always taking ; And though her Suiters much do give , Yet she ll be always raking : For in , with , through , for , by , and than , Are the signes by which she knows the man Must set her Oven a baking . 8. Thus from the first to the Ablative , You see she knows the way , Sir : For when I met her at Bablick-hive Near Oxford , she did say , Sir , That she had a Case for every man , And put him to 't , do what he can , And still will hold him play , Sir. A new Song , to the new Jig-tune . 1. MY Nanny , quoth he : Why Janny , quoth she , Your will , Sir ? I love thee , quoth he : If you love me , quoth she , Do so still , Sir. I 'd gi' thee , quoth he : Wou'd you gi' me , quoth she , But what , Sir ? Why some Money , quoth he : O some Money , quoth she ? Let me ha 't , Sir. 2. I 'd ha' thee , quoth he : Wou'd you ha' me , quoth she ? But where , Sir ? To my Chamber , quoth he : To your Chamber , quoth she ? Why there , Sir ? I 'd kiss thee , quoth he : Wou'd you kiss me , quoth she ? But when , Sir ? Why now , quoth he : Neither now , quoth she , Nor then , Sir. 3. I 'd hug thee , quoth he : Wou'd you hug me , quoth she ? How much , Sir ? Why a little , quoth he : 'T is a little , quoth she ; Not a touch , Sir. I am fickish , quoth he : are you sickish , quoth she ? But why , Sir ? ' Cause you slight me , quoth he : Do I slight you , quoth she ? 'T is a lye , Sir. 4. I 'm dying , quoth he : O , dying , quoth she ! Are you sure on 't ? 'T is certain , quoth he : Is 't certain , quoth she ? There 's no cure on 't . Then farewel , quoth he : I and farewel , quoth she , My true Love. I am going , quoth he : So am I too , quoth she , To a new Love. A Song on the Declensions . The Tune , Shackle de Hay . 1. MY Mistriss she is fully known To all the five Declensions ; She 'll searce them singly one by one , And take their true Dimensions . She ne'r declin'd yet any man , Yet they 'll decline her now and than , In spight of her Inventions . 2. First , Musa is her Mothers name , And haec does still attend her ; She is a hujus burly Dame , Though huic be but slender . Yet she 'll have a hanc on every man , And put 'em to 't , do what they can , Unless they do befriend her . 3. Magister is her Master too , And hic is still his Man , Sir ; And filius is her Son also . And dominus is her Grandfire . Nay , lucus , agnus , and that Lamb-like Crew , She 'll call 'em hunc's , and haec's 'um too , Do all that ere they can , Sir. 4. Next , she 's to lapis very kind , As honest hic has said , Sir : For she 's to precious stones inclin'd , Long before she was wed , Sir. Which made her Parents often say , That hic and haec both night and day Was forc'd to watch her Bed , Sir. 5. She beat poor manus with a Cane , Though he did often hand her From Whetstones-Park and Parkers-lane , And was her constant Pander . Yet give him manibusses when That she cou'd get no other men , That he cou'd notwithstand her . 6. 'Bout Noon she 'd with meridies dine , And sup , and bed him too , Sir. She 'd make poor facies to her incline , In spight of all he cou'd do , Sir. She day by day would dies pledge ; Which set poor acies tooth an edge , And often made him spew , Sir. 7. Thus have I shew'd her kindness here , And all her dear Relations ; As musa , lapis , magister , And all their antick fashions . Meridies , manus , and foelix too , Had happy been , had they ne'r knew Any of all her Stations . The COMPARISONS . The Tune , And 't is the Knave of Clubs bears all the Sway. 1. MY Mistriss she loves Dignities ; For she has taken three Degrees . There 's no Comparison to be made With her in all her subtle Trade : For Audax boldly said unto her , Y' are positively known a Whore. 2. And first , I Positive her call , ' Cause she 'll be absolute in all : For she is still to durus hard , And often with sweet dulcis jarr'd ; Which made kind tristis very sad , To see poor pauper us'd so bad . 3. Next , she is call'd Comparative , ' Cause she 'll compare with any alive In all the illiberal Sciences , Which she has learned by Degrees . Nay , was more hard to durior , Than all the rest o' th' Crew before . 4. Last , I Superlative her call , ' Cause she 'll be uppermost of all . And yet although she was so high , Lov'd underneath her self to lie ; And us'd durissimus , I hear , The hard'st of all , when he came there . 5. Thus have I t' ye my Mistriss shown , How she is positively known ; And Comparatively too , She did outlearn the rest o' th' Crew . And of her being Superlative , ' Cause she 'd be highest of all alive . Of the Five kinds of Verbs . THe Verbs a Battle had of late , they say , Which did consist of five Regiments that day . The first was call'd the Active ; and they were The activ'st men of any that were there . And Amo was their chief Commander then , Who said , I love ye , ' cause y' are gallant men . And Coronel Amo , with his active Crew , Did lead the Van , which was indeed their due . Next was the Passive , which was thought the best , Because they suffered more than all the rest : For those that in a Fight do suffer most , Are thought the bravest men , though some are lost . And noble Amor did command in chief That gallant Regiment , though to his grief : For Amo onely says , I love ; But I , Amor , am loved , so shall be till I die . The next Coronel that appear'd in fight , Was known to be an arrant Hypocrite ; Which was old Neuter : for he 'd sometimes make You to believe that he wou'd freely take Your part ; but t wou'd sometimes with curro run From one side to th' other : but being egg'd on To fight , then wou'd he have some slie trick , And with aegroto , say , I 'm very sick : And oftentimes wou'd give good words to either ; When truth to tell , he was indeed for neither . And being Neuter , he was new-turn'd out ; At which the whole Regiment did give a shout . Then the Commander of the fourth Regiment , Was one they call'd Monsieur Deponent : Which was for laying down as soon as chose , And was the first that endeavour'd to depose Himself from that Command ; and was Brother To Neuter , they were so like each other . He was indeed a Jack in a Box : for he Wou'd sometimes Active and then Passive be . When Active , then must loquor verbum speak A word in his behalf , his mind to break : But when Passive , and then did suffer most , Yet wou'd he still with glorior vaunt and boast . Nay , their two Regiments did them so handle , They both went out like a snuff of Candle . The first Regiment was commanded by One Communis of th' others Fraternity . And though that he did always end in r , Just like a Passive , yet would he always car ' A fair outside to amo ; and so free , As to say to him , Osculor te , I kiss thee : But when amor came , then who but he , Saying , Osculor à te , I 'm kissed of thee . Thus to conclude , and the truth to tell , Had these three Regiments done their duty well , There had been an end of that mortal Fray Much sooner than it was , as many say . Then my advice is , shou'd they fight agen , To chuse for Coronels some other men . And like him , 't is very Common to protest Kindness to one , when we mean nothing less . The MOODS . THe Battle of the Verbs being fully known , And their Regiments describ'd one by one , The Moods intend , it seems , to let us know The cause o' th' Quarrel , and the manner how . The Indicative being the Primier Mood , The rest of them then did think it good To let him speak , as being Secretory , And therefore being fitt'st to tell the story ; Dear Brethren , says he , I must tell ye , They were deceiv'd by fallo's Son , fefelli , Who was employ'd by all the Verbs about it , And he deceiv'd 'em , else they had not fought it . And the chief cause indeed was , as I hear , From some anomalous Verbs that were there ; Who are Verbs always out of rule , and so Not to be rul'd by any man , you know : As possum , volo , nolo , malo , and Edo , fero , ( who then was in command ; ) And 's unde feror too , and all the rest Of that tumultuous Crew , said 't was best To fight it out . Says possum , I may or can , Nay , am able to fight with any man. Says volo , I am willing to side with you , And will participate in what you do . Nolo said , He was unwilling to have peace : And malo was more willing than all these To fight . Says edo , I 'll eat my way through 'um ; That 's the ready way , says one , to undo ' um . But fero was more fierce than all : for he Said , he 'd bear or suffer any thing , than flee . Says ferro , I 've born and suffer'd more than all , And in your Cause resolve to stand or fall . Says fio , How came this to be made or done ? Then all fall on him , every Mothers son . So some took one side , and others t'other , Until they 'd near destroy'd one another . This being spoke , they all were at a stand : Then says th' Imperative , I do command Silence among ye all ; and bid ye too , Strictly to observe what I shall say or do : For he was one that was imperious , And never spoke in other manner , but thus : Saying , Had I been there , I 'd a charg'd 'em all To cease from fighting , or have made 'em fall By my imperious hand : for let me but say , Ama , amato , love thou , and they all obey ; Or pugnate , pugnatote , fight ye , And if ye do well , then I will knight ye . Thus my being absent , caus'd the fight that day ; None knew how to command , nor none to obey . He having finisht his discourse , up starts The Optative , who wisht that all their hearts Had been as his , then th 'had not fought that day : For he and 's Foreman utinam ran away . And though the Imperative had the greatest command , Yet he of Tenses had five to one at hand More than t'other ; and was no good House-holder , As being so great a wisher and a woulder . For all good Prayers he did never want ; As , I would God , I pray God , and God grant . And that there might be no more hatred , he 'd say , Vtinam amem , God grant I love alway ; Which is the onely way to keep 's in peace . And having so spoke , his Speech did cease . The Potential then stood up , and to 'em said , Next to the Imperative , he 'd be obey'd : For though he had indeed the chief command , Yet he was more mighty both in Goods and Land ; As may be seen by the Signes at his door , When others have but one , yet he has six more ; As may , can , might , could , would , should , or ought ; Which unto this Potency has him brought : And cou'd say amem , I may or can love , Or let it alone : for he wou'd still move In his own Sphere ; and never wou'd quarrel , But relieve the needy , and those that are ill : Saying , I may or do what I please herein ; But 't is best not fight , but sleep in a whole skin . The Subjunctive then began to tell his Tale ; But when he striv'd to do 't alone , wou'd fail , But must be forc'd to take a Conjunction To joyn with him , or not use his Function : For the Subjunctive , if the truth were known , Is but the Adjectives Bastard : for alone They can't stand in Reason or Signification , But must have a word joyn'd to keep the sence warm , And stick like a Gizzard still under each arm . The Subjunctive then at last did declare , He wou'd be subject to any thing else but War. The Infinitive then to end the Debate , Said , Of all the Verbs he did participate ; And also he cou'd do , suffer , or be What he pleas'd within 's own Seigniorie ; And was inferiour unto none Of the Moods , but of himself cou'd stand alone : For I can force amare to love my Daughter , And amaturum esse , to love hereafter ; And amandum and amatum , to love also ; And amatu , to be belov'd whe'r he will or no. And likewise can command docturum esse , To teach hereafter my Daugher Besse . Nay , I cou'd shew you an Infinite more ; But for brevities sake , I now give ore , And do infinitely desire there may be No more of fighting , if you 'll be rul'd by me , Of the TENSES . THe Tenses they being Servants to the Moods , They call'd 'em to account about those Feuds . The Present Tense did first himself present , ( And truth to say , he did those times lament ) He presently then told them all , That they Cou'd never think him guilty of that Fray : For he vow'd , Had he been present when 't was done , He wou'd have been the first that shou'd a run : For who knows better to get out of Bands , When Times and Seasons are all in our hands ? The Preterimperfect Tense did then appear ; But was imperfect in 's relation there : For though his time was not perfectly past , He confest that with amabam he did love at last ; But loving not then , they told him 't was a fault , And was the cause that all that trouble was wrought . He vow'd he was not there at that same time When 't began ; so not guilty of that crime . The Preterperfect Tense then began to plead , Protesting himself innocent of that deed : For though his time was perfectly past , yet he Said , I have lov'd amavi ferventlie ; For he and I do all such Quarrels shun , And never heard o' th' Battle , until 't was done . The Preterpluperfect then was call'd in , And brought amaveram with him , who had bin His long and constant friend , who said , Though their time Were more than perfectly past , yet that crime Cou'd not be laid to their charge , ' cause that they Had lov'd one another many a day . And will do 't still with leave o' th' Future Tense , That they got great applause when they went thence . The Future Tense at last was called in , Who plainly told 'em , If he had guilty bin Of such a thing , he deserv'd to be blam'd : But yet , say they , methinks y' are not asham'd To confess you did not love . No , says he , I did not : for that can be no fault in me ; For an Astrologer told me once at home , That my time of loving was not yet come : And likewise told me , that amabo and I , Shall or will love most certainly . Then all the Court remov'd , and did pray They ne'r might see such another day . On the Squibs and Crackers thrown on the Lord Mayors day . 'T Was just the day 'fore twenty ten Of dull October , being then The Lord Mayors show , or eke his day , So call'd by th' Vulgar , as they say : I speak not of that glorious Crew That past us by in open view ; As first , the Companies several , Belonging to each others Hall , All clad in black , with half red Tippit , Who on their Petitoes did trip it . Nor of those Velvet-coats so black , With Chains of gold hung on their back ; Nor of that Teem of Scarlet-Riders , Who of the City-wards are Guiders ; Nor of the Troops and Horses fairness , Whose Masters all were clad in Harness , Whose Officers Coats bedecked were With Gold embroider'd every where ; Nor the Foot , with Bagpipe , Fife , and Drum , Who thither with the rest did come For to attend our Soveraign , ( Whom God preserve with all his Train ; ) Nor of those gallant Princely Coaches , To all I gave a Bonos noches : But of those Gallants Treat I do , That were Spectators of that Show ; Who there were placed in Balconies , ' Mongst which were many antient Cronies , And Ladies young : who all there stood , I can't say sit , they wisht they cou'd : For in the twinkling of an eye , Such Squibs and Crackers then did flie In such a horrid fiery fashion , It forc'd them all to change their station , Lest it should burn their Garments gay , Which borrowed were perhaps that day . They chiefly flew , like Whirligigs , On curled Hair and Perriwigs : Nothing escap'd them , they were so set , That all was Fish that came to Net. A couple came that day to see And to be seen , in all their braverie : And drest they were most finically , That all shou'd note that stood them by . In striped Mantua's they were drest , Of all colours i' th' Rainbow , I protest . And both were in Balcony set , Thinking their gayness then so great , That none wou'd venture their Squibs to fling At them ( being as fine as any thing . ) The Squibs and Cracker-men below Observing what they did , and how Confident they were that none would throw , And being intent about the Show , Some ten of them together flung , Which did directly light among Those which in that Balcony sate , Which made them stir , but 't was too late : And 'fore they cou'd remove their station , Up came ten more i' the same fashion ; Which quickly burnt their curled Hair , Their Hoods and Scarfs , and all was there ; Their Rain-bow-colour'd Cloths , I find , Were all burnt both before and behind ; And left 'em in most woful cases : For 't scorcht the Patches on their faces . They were so claw'd , that one did swear They both like Gipsies did appear . Though they came in in merry posture , Yet when went out , their eyes were moister . Though they at fore-door did come in , Yet they at back-door went out agin : And forc'd were t' go to their old Stallion , Being al-a-mode de Taterdemallion . Also a Lord ; but the Lord knows who It was : for it burnt his Breeches too , His Velvet-coat , Perriwig , and Hat , And also his richly lac'd Cravat . Nay , they from Windows scarce cou'd peep , But suddenly were forc'd to creep Back again , or those Ladies fair Were sure to burn their Hoods and Hair. No Gowns nor Whisks did then escape : For on Petticoats they made a Rape ; Not on those that were a top alone , But below too , they were so sawcy grown . Another , it seems , then to secure A pretty Lady , did then endure A hot Contest : but by his leave , It quickly burnt his Half-shirt-sleeve . The Author catcht one in 's hand a top , And flung't in 's face that threw it up , To keep 't from them that were above : But by his favour , it burnt his Glove . Last I advise , if any chance to go Agen to see the Lord Mayors Show , They must not in Balconies stand , Or any place that 's low at hand ; But i' th' Garret , or the Leads a top : For that 's too high to fling 'em up . A Song , to the Tune of Thomas I cannot . 1. COme , my Molly , let us be jolly , Now we are both come hither ; Thy Mother 's from home , and we are alone , Then let us be merry together . I 'll give thee some Rings and Bracelets fine , And other Trinkets , if thou wilt be mine . In truth , good Sir , I dare not incline ; My Mother does tell me I munnot , I munnot , My Mother does tell me I munnot . 2. Thou sha't have a Gown of the vinest zilk , The like was never zeena ; Thou sha't ha the Cream of all the Milk Of the Cows that go on the Greena , To make thee some Curds and Cheescakes store , And Custards too , all sugar'd ore . I pray you , good Sir , now say no more ; My Mother does tell me I munnot , &c. 3. Thy Wastcoat shall be of Scarlet too , With Ribonds tyed together : Thy Stockins shall be of a Bow-died hue , And thy shoes of Spanish Leather . And upon each Shoe a silken Knot For to set out thy delicate foot . In truth , good Sir , I dare not do 't ; My Mother does tell me , &c. 4. Thy Petticoat shall be of Sey , The best in all the Towna ; And thou shalt wear it every day , And zo thou shalt thy Gowna . Thy Smock shall be of Holland fine , If thou in love with me wo't joyn . In truth , good Sir , I dare not combine ; My Mother does tell me , &c. 5. I 'll feof thee in a Copy-hold Of Forty pound a yeara ; And I ha Twonty pound in Gold Will serve to make good Cheara . O no , you men , I know ye too well , But give you an inch , and you 'll take an ell , And when you have done , you Tales will tell . In truth , good Sir , I munnot , I munnot ; My Mother does tell me I munnot . 6. Why then , my Molly , here I vow My Lips shall still be sealed , And whatsoever we do now , Shall never be revealed . With one sweet Kiss we 'll seal the same ; Deny me but this , you are to blame . O this Kiss doth so inflame , I cannot hold out a minit , a minit ; I cannot hold out a minit . A SONG . The Tune , My Dame Joan hath pawn'd her Kittle . 1. CLear up those stormy Brows , and teach My weak and wadling Love to go : Who makes 'twixt Infant-loves a breach , Sure is no stout nor gallant foe . Prethee let us prove , that Cupid is above The firm Votes of immortal Fate : Though a Child he be , let Malice see That Love is stronger far than Hate . 2. Then be no longer fondly coy ; Death 's here more welcome than delay . Love is a nimble sprightly Boy , And hath swift wings , the Poets say . Let 's lose no time , 't is a capital crime ; None sins in Love like him that 's slow . If I wanton be , pray pardon me ; Love's a Child , and Children will be so . 3. My Senses call me dull , and blame My calmness , that thus pleading stands . Come , your Mother she did do the same ; Yield , or I must lay violent hands . For shall I spare one , such a Rape hath done , And violence on my Soul hath lain ? And why should she thus ravish me , And I not ravish her again ? 4. Why this stir ? why this denying ? This pish , pish , Groper , stand away ? Why this proud and coy denying , ' Cause I there my hand did lay ? I did grope , 't is true ; but in love sure you Will count it no offence , I hope . If the cause you 'll find , know Love is blind ; And they that cannot see , must grope . A Mock-Song to Come my Daphne . Man. COme , my durty Pug , away ; What the Pox d' ye mean to say ? Wom. 'T is Rowland calls ; what wou'd my Swine ? Man. Come up , you Whore , 't is time to dine , Where Vulcan shall provide A Whip to claw your hide . Wom. Were I shut up within a Jail , 'T is Rowland he must be my Bail. Man. You lazy Whore , make hast , The Meat at fire doth wast . In the burning Fountain I Must for ever live and die ; And on thy mangy bosom stray , Would fright , would fright , Would fright the Devil away . Chorus . We 'll howl and weep , and ne'r give ore , Because the Fiends do see , do see The cursed glee 'Twixt thee and me ; But never will deplore My sad , but fatal Destinie . Another Drunken Mock to Come my Daphne . T. COme , my Bully-rock , away ; We do wast this drinking day . R. 'T is Roger calls : What news , you Sot ? T. Come see , you Rogue , what I have got : For Bacchus still provides Brisk Wine to stuff our Hides . R. Were I shut up in Cellar deep , I 'd first be drunk before I 'd sleep . T. Ye lazy Rogue , make hast , The Wine will spoil and wast . R. With good Sack and Claret I Will for ever live and die : And from Bung-hole ne'r will stray , Till thee and I have suckt it quite away . Chorus . We 'll drink and sleep , and then we 'll snore , That Bacchus he May dayly see The Bubbing Glee 'Twixt thee and mee ; But never will give ore , Whilst we good Sack or Claret see . The Wooing Gallant . A SONG . 1. COme hither my dearest , come hither to me , And I will be so loving to thee , As never was man before . Then gi' me thy heart , and thou sha't a mine : For if I may be certain of thine , I 'll never desire no more . Then unto my house we 'll trip it away , And fit and provide for the Wedding-day . We 'll dance and we 'll sing , And the Bells shall ring , And the Fidlers round about us shall play . 2. Thy Body with rich Apparel I 'll deck , And round about thy Ivory Neck I 'll place a Chain of Pearl , So round and so fair , so fine and so neat , That every one that chances to see 't , Will say thou' rt a lovely Girl . Then be not so coy , but come away , And I 'll embrace thee both night and day : For I vow and I swear Thou shalt be my Dear , And merrily we will sing and play . 3. The Girl she stood off , and smiling said , I fear you mean to betray a Maid That never did love before : For men will dissemble , and cog , and lye , And swear they love you faithfully , When they have another in store . But if that you mean to be faithful and true , And that I should be so to you , Be loving and kind , And change not your mind , Or else for evermore adieu . Vpon the taking down of the Kings Arms at Oxford , in the time of the Rump , viz. 1649. who instead of plucking down them on the Gate of the Physick-Garden in Oxford , they were such excellent Heralds , that they pluckt down the Earl of Danby's Arms , who was the Founder there . IN Sixteen hundred forty nine , When Cavaliers were forc'd to dine At Duke Humfrey's Table still ; ( But 't was , poor hearts ! against their will ) A dismal time when Rump did fart ye A thousand cracks ' gainst Royal Partie ; And when Kings Arms were plucking down In every City and in Town . In Oxford-City there 's a place Call'd Physick-Garden , a little space From Colledge Magdalen doth stand , Well known to many in this Land. From Maudling-bridge it stands North-west , So that must be from it South-east . This is so plain , you cannot miss it , That when y' are there , you 'll say this is it . The Walls that do surround this place , And noble Gate which doth it grace , And all the Land within the same , For evermore will bear the name , As being the particular Bount - Ty of that noble Northern Count , Who to 's Prince to th' last did stand by , Call'd Henricus Comes Danby . This Gift , I say , was onely his , ( For which no doubt he is in Bliss ) Unto the poor University , Made so by th' Rump , the more 's the pity . And first of all this Rumpish Crew That then did there appear in view , With others that he thither brought For to destroy , as then they thought , Their Princes Arms , was a Colonel , Who indeed was a Preacher , as well As Souldier ; and so he began Then to preach to every man His Rumpish Doctrine , and so bid Them be valiant : and what they did , He wou'd secure both great and small By an Ordinance from his Masters all . An Ordinance it might be call'd , ( Which oft the Cavaliers have maul'd ) By thundring of us out a Town , From Post to Pillar up and down . But name of Act it cannot bear , Yet 't was the Cornel's Act , I 'll swear . And with the Cornel there did go His Lieutenant-Colonel also ; And Major too , and Captains store , And Ensigns and Lieutenants more . And of the County-Committee There were about the number three , With others at the Colonels call ; I think there was the Devil and all . But now comes out a pleasant Tale ( If my memory do not fail ) Which in Oxford is very rife In every mouth , and true on my life : On the right hand of that brave Gate Were Kings Arms plac'd in handsome state , And likewise Crown and Garter too , As 'bout the Arms they use to do . O' th' left hand was the Founders Arms , Bold Danvers , who with loud Alarms The Irish Rebels conquer'd so , In little time he had no Foe To wreak his Valour on ; whose fame Was spread abroad , that 's very name Would scatter all that Kernish Crew ; But Danvers cry , away they flew . And before he came from thence , Forc'd 'em to own their natural Prince . For which important service done , ( By way of Retaliation ) King James with Title then did greet him Of Baron Danvers ; which did meet him 'Fore he came to kiss his hand . And 's Son Charles the first , for other service done , Did Earl of Danby him create , And Knight o' th' Garter , ( Honours great ! ) Yet none for him too great was thought , Who for his Prince so bravely fought : So that by this I 'd have you note , He had the Garter round his Coat , And Coronet also : which did make Among our Heroes that great mistake , Which made for what I do intend , ( And then I 'll draw unto an end . ) These gallant new-made Gentlemen ( With the Country-Committee then ) And others of that new-dub'd Crew , When both these Coats they chanc'd to view , Like wise men , did with one accord Command the Arms of this brave Lord To be pull'd down instead o' th' Kings : And so they flew , as 't were with wings , For to pull down , as they thought , His Majesties most Royal Coat . Sure of Senses they were bereft , Not to know right hand from the left . That they were Scholars , you can't deny , ' Cause in the University ; And wonder 't was what Heraldry then Was 'mong our Rumpish Gentlemen . Or were they at that time afraid To touch that Princely Coat ? They laid Not violent hands upon it then ; But I remember the time when They durst attack , as well as Crown , His sacred Person too , 't is known . Sure Providence did cast a mist 'Fore the Cor'nels eyes , and all the rest , That they cou'd not see that very day ( ' Cause their chief Light 's within , they say . ) If so , then 't was Prophetick sure , That they should onely then obscure , And for a time to cloud the Crown , But for their lives not pull it down . Though th' Officers so little knew , And Gentlemen of that great Crew , What did belong to Arms ; 't is strange The Souldiers that did use to range Themselves each day in Rank and File , ( And many times their Arms recoil . ) And then the chief word of Command Was , Stand to your Arms , to every Band ; Which they being often us'd to do , Made 'em let the Kings Arms stand too . Then after this in Merriment , They all unto the Tavern went , To congratulate each others act , And all to own that prudent fact . There were some twenty Officers , With Committee-men , Friends of theirs ; So that there were 'bout thirty two Of this most Solomon-like Crew : Who had at last four pints of Sack ' Mongst them all to strengthen the back . And though they wou'd not wench , nor swear , Yet you see drink hard when they came there . Nay , that they might seem more profuse , ( Which was indeed their common use ) In half-pint-pots 't was still brought up ; But yet before they 'd touch the cup , With Hat in hand wou'd Blessing crave , Lest poison'd by a Cavalier Knave . And as they thus sate carousing , In comes a bold fellow , using Great Reverence to that learned Gang , Saying , They were better to hang Than keep : And having a pint of Sack In his hand , he like a mad Hack , Drank the Kings health , and then threw The Pot among that Spendthrift Crew , Saying , Pox take ye all ; and then flew Down Stairs , without bidding 'em adieu . Though they command Kings Arms pull down , Yet still hung up some of their own : Which did prognosticate , I say , Their Arms shou'd first hang up ; they , they . We were so far from putting down Their Arms , we set 'em up in Town . Nay , they were so highly grac'd , That ore the Kings Arms they were plac'd On every Gate about the City ; Not sooner done , the more 's the pity . The Rump their Juglings so did handle , They all went out like Snuff of Candle . And those who bought King or Bishops Lands , At the happy Change , had their hands Eas'd of all that mighty trouble , After they 'd brought the Rents to double . So may they all be serv'd , that persists Not in heart and voice true Royalists : And also those that do repine At this our Change ; which by divine Hand was then so brought about , To scatter all that cursed Rout Who had deserv'd it long before , For Cruelty , but Treason more . A Mock-Song to Cellamina : And to that Tune . 1. MAll , I ne'r yet knew thy mind ; Once agen I 'll prove thee : If thou wilt but be so kind To kiss me twice or thrice behind , Faith I 'll ever love thee . 2. Tom , I 'm ignorant , I vow , Which way to come to it ; But if you the way will show , First kiss mine , then I shall know The better how to do it . 3. We 'll draw Cuts then if thou wo't , Now within this minnit ; And when we have drawn the Lot , Those that have the shortest Cut , They shall then begin it . 4. Hang your Cuts ; do you begin't ; You 're the first did move it : And when I see you do 't in print , Sure you 'll think the Devil 's in 't , Should I not approve it . Iter Occidentale : or , a Western Voyage from the Old Exchange to the Gridiron near Charing-cross in the Strand ; and perform'd by five Gentlemen , Nov. 5. 1673. THough Squibs and Crackers thick did flie On Lord Mayors day , like Snow in Skie ; But yet upon November Fift , There flew of them so great a drift , One scarce could pass along the street , But spight of teeth we did them meet . And now the reason you wou'd hear , Why this day 's kept so strict each year , As being Holiday , and why not , In memory of the Powder-plot . But let that pass , I now will treat The Adventures these half ten did meet : And coming into street call'd Cheap - Side some do adde , we saw a heap Of Ribble-rabble met together , That threw their Squibs they car'd not whither , That we , poor harmless Grigs , Cou'd scarcely save our Perriwigs : And I had then no more but one ; Had that been burnt , whoop , all was gone . I forc'd was use both hat and hand , To save my Wig and little Band. Though but through Lane or Corner turn'd , We did expect still to be burn'd . Nay , we were forc'd to skip i' th' Gutter , But quickly we from thence must flutter : For if y' are fixt in any place , Hey Boys , says they : then look t' your face . So that we still skipt up and down Like Morris-dancers in a Town . And besides this Rabble-rout , We there did see a Rope stretcht out , Which was on two Balconies fixt , With Bonfires two or three betwixt ; And then upon that dangling Rope We there did see a Rev'rend Pope , With Sword by 's side , and Crosier too , And Trident in his hand also , And eke his Pontificial Gown , And Miter too , with Triple-Crown All made of Cards : And being thus , Methoughts it was preposterous For Cards made for the hand , not head , Or I 'm like him in Faith misled . But now I think I 've found the knack , Why they of Cards his Crown did make , And on his head Card-miter wore , ' Cause he a Cardinal was before ; And his Supremacy arises By being the Head o' th' Cardinal Vices . But why a Trident in his hand ? My troth , it puts me to a stand , That he should Neptune's Right assume , Because 't is call'd the Sea of Rome : And so we find by this , that he Is Lord not o' th' Land alone , but Sea. Witness that annual throwing in A Ring into the Sea ; which long hath bin Continued by the Venetian State : And when first done , the Pope he sate I' th' Bucentaure triumphantlie , To wed that State unto the Sea : For had he not a Right unto 't , Why did he at that time then do 't ? But now I think upon it well , The Sea of Rome , we all can tell , Did overflow all Europe ore In former times ; but the British shore For this hundred and fifty year , Has put an ebb to 's flowing here . Besides all this , as some do say , He also had in 's hand a Key , With Boots and Spurs , as in a fright , To ride away that very night : And with 's Key , it seems , he meant To ope the City-gates as he went : For 's Keys the Gates do ope , we know , Of Heaven above , and Hell below . But for all that , such was his fate , To be that night unfortunate . The Squibs so pelted him , he swore He 'd never come to England more , If once he got away : and said , I now in my own Coyn am paid , For using Hereticks so bad , When I my Papal power had . All those that heard him then to say , That he 'd from England hast away , Him answer made in this same dress : Good riddance to your Holiness ; For we will never wholly be Addicted to your Roman Sea. Which made him fret and fume the more , That we were forc'd to give him ore , And left him in that angry vein ; Anon we 'll speak of him again . And so from thence we marcht away To Ludgate-street , there made a stay ; Where we espied another Object , That to the Pope is truest Subject ; And that 's a Cardinal , who there sate Triumphantly in Chair of State , With all things fine , and all things pat , And eke had there his Cardinals Hat , Which fixed was upon his head , Whose Gown and that were coloured . The Rabble there made Applications To him still in Squib-like fashions ; Which he did for an honour take Unto all Cardinals for his sake : And glad he was to England come , Saying , He was ne'r so serv'd at Rome . And when in this they grew bolder , Then he blest 'em ore the left shoulder , Saying , I give my Benedicite Unto all Hereticks ; but ye Especially shall not miss it , For this November-visit : For I 'm the Papal Nuncio here , And all is under my Paternal care . Nay , Beloved , I will assure ye , I can be angry too , yea , in fury ; But not with any here of you That honour me so in publick view . And had I known that you 'd a gave Such honour as to me you have Unto a Cardinal heretofore , I had sooner seen the English shore : But 't is not late to come at last , Since I so freely of it tast . When they had honour'd him so much , It seems they 'd have another touch ; And with another Card'nal went Round the City in merriment ; Whose Nose was very long indeed : No matter for that . But I 'll proceed : He Crosier had in 's hand , and Cross , And on mens shoulders did him toss ; Which does belong to Popes alone , But here to Cardinals 't is shown . He marcht in pomp through every street ; And every one that did him meet , When to adore cou'd not come nigh him , Did with their Crackers kindly ply him : Which he took kindly , and threw about His Arms , still blessing all the Rout. At last he fixed was in 's Station , And all 's Brethren i' th' same fashion , Fixed were in several places , Who boldly there did shew their faces . And though they Hereticks did us call , Yet coming before the Tribunal Of that great Rabble , they quickly found That they were Catholicks unsound , So Hereticks themselves , and had Committed Treason , which was sad . Nay , they the occasion were , they say , That this was made a Holy-day ; And so condemn'd them to the Flame , Though he with Long-nose smelt the same Long before : and therefore did advise Them both to be merry and wise ; And spoke to th' Pope , that he with 's Key Shou'd open them the ready way To steal from all this Rabble-rout As fast as ere they cou'd get out . But notwithstanding his advice Which he had urg'd unto 'em twice , They so infatuated were , They thought the Pope cou'd never erre : Which makes it certain , the Popes Chair Is not infallible every where . And after they condemned were , I do protest I did not hear One word from either that did plead In their own defence ; 't was strange indeed ! Nor did they rail , nor scold , nor cry , But took their deaths most patiently . Nay , they were so very meek , Not one ill word I heard 'em speak ; But thought those Flames to them a Glory , As being those of Purgatory ; And had no need of Pater-Nosters , Or Ave-Maries dirg'd in Cloisters , For to fetch their Souls from thence ; They thought that done when they went hence . That Lutherans now must think 't a story , That say there is no Purgatory . And now ye are convinc'd , I hope , To have a better love to th' Pope . They in that Flame so soon were burn'd , That they to ashes quickly turn'd . One askt why they were so cruel , To adde a flame unto the fewel Of that giddy Multitude , That then were so exceeding rude ? Said , For serving us i' th' same fashion , We do 't but by retaliation : They shew'd the way , we do but follow . Then all began to whoop and hallow . And then with many Squib-like flashes , They took their leave o' th' holy Ashes , Saying , Dear Father , we bid adieu For evermore to all your Crew . Thus have you heard the story true , O' th' death of three o' th' seventy two Cardinals : if so , then I find There 's but sixty nine left behind ; Which is too many by six times ten , And three times three , of such kind of men . And then we unto Fleet-street came , Where all the way we saw the flame Of numerous Bonfires for to light The Pope and 's Brothers to th' Grave that night . From thence to th' Strand we came amain , Where we did see so great a Train Of Bonfires that were so light , We did no Link-boys see that night : And they petition'd have , they say , That this Gunpowder-treason-day May not come oft ; for if it did , They were undone : which Jove forbid . For Rumpish Cornels two or three , Of Link-boys Hall have all been free ; Of Majors , and of Captains more , And eke Lieutenants greater store ; Of Ensignes and Cornets many indeed , Who had most colour for what they did . Who all , you see , were linkt together In that great Hall of wind and weather ; Who lighted all the Rumpish Gang To their Deserts , that is , to hang : Better destroy any Corporation Than that of Link-boys in this Nation : For we in darkness were before , And but for them , shou'd now be more , 'Bout which the Woodmongers and they Had hot contest about that day . The Link-boys beg'd it might be no more ; And t'other did desire good store : Which did consume their Billets and Faggots , Which else wou'd be destroy'd with Maggots ; They cou'd not vend the smallest heap , Because that Coals were then so cheap . And though we burn'd and broiled were , Throughout the streets every where ; Yet to th' Gridiron did we go , To make the Proverb good , you know , Out o' th' Frying-pan into th' Fire : But yet , according to our desire , We there did find a broiling for us ( Which quickly drove away our sorrows ) An excellent Fricacy of Rabbets , So finely done and cut in gobbets ; Good Sawce , with excellent Drink good store : In conscience we cou'd ask no more . Then home we went to cushy all , After this Papal Funeral . Dated on November Fift , you plainly see , A new SONG , To the Tune of The Flatteries of Fate . With the ANSWER . 1. I Always resolv'd to be from the Charms That Love with his Subtilty ere cou'd invent ; I laught at his Deity , scorn'd at the Harms That he cou'd inflict to abridge my content : But now I do find , Though the God he be blind , The Mark he has hit , and hath changed my mind . Though a Child thought he be , Yet his Manhood I see : For with one poor Shaft he hath conquered me . 2. I often before great Beauties did see With Charms in their Tongues , and Darts in their eyes , Who sought by their Wiles to intoxicate me ; But never till now they my heart cou'd surprize . But now I do see That a Slave I must be To that which has been a Servant to me : For the angry Gods Dart Hath so wounded my Heart , No Balm that 's applied but increaseth my smart . 3. Thus have you heard our Love in a Maze , This call'd a Labyrinth I ne'r could abide , Whose turnings and windings are so many ways , That none can get out , unless by a Guide . But my Guide is so coy , Though my Soul I employ To lie at her feet , yet my hopes she 'll destroy ; And rather than I Will keep touch with her eye To lie at her feet , I 'm resolved to die . The Answer to the last Song . And to that Tune . 1. I Pity thy Passion , Intoxicate Lover ! Can Venus's Philtres so prevalent be , That thou shouldst in a Phrensie thy weakness discover , And part with thy Manhood and Birthright so free ? Shall a purblind Boy Thy Courage destroy , And make thee submit like a Slave to a Toy ? Are a Females Eyes Such a notable Prize , As to offer thy Life for a Sacrifice ? 2. What is she some Angel , thou valuest her so ? Is a Goddess engrav'd on her heavenly Brow ? If she 's but a woman , then stoop not so low : For the woman was made for the man , you must know . Wil● thou stoop to the checks Of the Feminine Sex , That dayly does study poor Mortals to vex ? Our Grandfathers Bride Was took from his side , As intended to help him , but never to guide . 3. But if Reason must yield to effeminate fits , If Frenzy must rule , and our Senses be splaid , If a man must run mad , and abjure all his wits ; Then may he thus wretchedly doat on a Maid . If a courting I go , My pursuit should be so , I wou'd seem not to care whe'r I had her or no. That 's a lawful Trepan ; And if 't were but began , You 'll see 'em run whining and cry for a man. A SONG . With the ANSWER . 1. SInce you will needs my heart possess , 'T is just to you , I do confess The fault to whom 't is given : It is to change much more inclin'd Than Women , or the Sea , or Wind , Or ought that 's under Heaven . 2. The fair , the black , the gay , the sad , Which often makes me think 't was mad , With one kind look would win it . So natural it loves to range , That it hath left success for change ; And what 's worse , glories in it . 3. Often when I am laid to rest , It makes me act like one possest : For still 't will keep a puther . Though you alone I do esteem , Yet 't will make me in a dream Court and enjoy another . 4. Nor will I hide from you this truth , Which has been from my very Youth A most egregious Ranger : For since from me it often fled , With whom it was both born and bred , 'T will scarce stay with a Stranger . 5. But now , if you are not afraid , After these truths which I have said , To take this arrant Rover : Be not displeas'd , if I protest , I think the heart within my breast Will prove just such another . The ANSWER . 1. SInce , Sir , your heart will then away , Let that be gone which will not stay ; Yet I 'll the same be ever : With wandring Drake you then may range , And like unconstant Proteus change : For my part I will never . 2. But yet mistake me not , my mind Was never yet to Love inclin'd ; Much less to any Lover : For I resolved am to be Still constant to Unconstancie ; Which you 'll by this discover . 3. Methinks it is a pretty sport To see how Rivals do retort , And grin upon each other . A frown on this man makes him sad ; On that , doth make him raving mad ; A smile insnares another . 4. 'T is brave to hear such Gothams boast , And how each other they accost ; Of which some are for fighting : And some in corners do appear , A wishing for their Panders there And some are for inditing . 5. This , Sir , 's Loves Paradise , wherein Not a few parts have acted bin . Since there your heart 's a Ranger , It shall the honour have to pass , And bray there like a very Ass , And so shall not a stranger . A SONG call'd Francelia : With the ANSWER . To the Tune of Augusta . 1. FRancelia's heart is still the same , Cold and hard as Winters morning , Round her Love is ever burning ; Yet no sighs or tears can ever Yet no , &c. Warm her Ice , or cool my Fever . 2. So much I think and talk of her , That every Grove and Stream can name her ; All the Nimphs and Ecchos blame her . If she keeps her cruel fashion , If she keeps , &c. Onely Death can ease my Passion . 3. All the Arts that Lovers have , All the Vows and all the Anguish , All the looks with which I languish , Move not her to any feeling ; Move not , &c. Beauty takes delight in killing . The ANSWER . 1. FRancelia's heart is still the same , Kind and free to all embraces : Though variety of faces Dayly court her to obtain her , Dayly , &c. They can never , never gain her . 2. So much she thinks and talks of me , That every Room i' th' house proclaims it ; Nay , the babbling Eccho names it By a kind Reverberation , By a kind , &c. That she 's constant in her Passion . 3. All the Arts her Lovers use In their Presents , Vows , and Treatings , Still appear to be but Cheatings . Nought she says or does can please 'em , Nought , &c. Makes 'em wish for death to ease ' em . A Song set by Mr. Staggins . With the Answer . 1. WHy shou'd we ere Beauty fade , Slaves to Care and Age be made , Since our flying Youth can no more be had ? Where Love and Mirth do call , let 's go And crop new Joys each minute as they grow : To morrow's fate there 's none can know . 2. Let 's sing and laugh sad thoughts away , Mirth shall rule the active day ; And the night to Raptures of Love we 'll pay . Thus should Youth in Pleasures reign ; And Gods that cannot put on Earth again , Shall wish for such delights in vain . The ANSWER . 1. WHy should we ere think of Love ? Pox upon 't , the Gods above The Torments on 't cou'd ne'r remove . But if Lovers we must be , God Bacchus shall be our Deitie : For Wine alone can make us free . 2. Let 's sing and throw Love-thoughts away , Which still does make our Health decay , And our Wit too often run astray . But Wine is so divine a thing , Let 's all its praises dayly sing , Seeing nought but that can pleasure bring . An excellent SGNG. 1. ALas , what shall I do ! I have taken on me now To make a Song , I vow : A wo is me ! I am commanded to 't ; I dare not stand it out , Though I 'm put to the rout : It so must be . Thou shalt do 't ; Then stand to 't , I 'll set my Muse afoot , With a good chirping Cup. There may some hidden Mine Spring from the Juice of Wine ; Then tak 't and drink it up . 2. Pox on 't , it will not do ; I must have t'other two ; I claim it as my due , And must lov't : For where the Land is dry , The good Husband doth hie To bring the water nigh To improv't . Here 's the use of the Juice ; Open me then the Sluce , And die my Wit in grain . That Soul 's ne'r empty That takes it in plenty ; 'T is the onely Spring of the Brain . 3. Madam , now you may see What Obedience is in me ; I have done what may be For to obey . I have set my Muse on foot , With the sprightly Grape to boot , That commands me do 't : 'T is they must sway . If my Pate , soon or late , Shall bring forth some conceit ; To you my wit I owe. If I do fall flat , It is , mark you that , I 'm a Cup too low . If I spoke sence enough , Or did speak but stuff , All is alike to me : I 'll never pause upon 't . You were the cause on 't ; And that 's my Apologie . On a Beautiful Miss . 1. I Know I 'm no Poet ; My Song will soon show it : But my Sorrows do flow like a Spring . Although they do shame me , The world cannot blame me , That I should thus dolefully sing . My loss is so great , And such a Defeat No Mortal had ever before : For she had every Feature Of a beautiful Creature ; And no man can say any more . 2. Her Lips , it is true , Were of Coventry-blue ; But her Hair was a fine Bow-dye . Her Stature was low , But her Nose was not so : For 't was O most delicate high . Her upper Lip thin , Which finely turn'd in , And her Teeth were as black as a coal : But her under stood out To receive from her Snout The droppings that came from each hole . 3. Though some Teeth she wanted , The rest were so planted , That Nature did shew no neglect : What in some she deni'd , She in others suppli'd , Because there should be no defect . 'T is true , we do know Sh 'ad some gaps below , But yet it was plain to be seen That her upper Teeth met 'em , Nature so well had set 'em , Like Tallies they clapt in between . 4. Thus with a good grace They took their due place , And they stood hither and thither ; We plainly may see They all did agree , And lovingly met together . To stand in a row Is common , you know ; But the best and the newest way , Is to see , without doubt , Teeth stand in and out , As if they were dancing the Hay . 5. No Needle nor Pin Was so sharp as her Chin , Which her Nose did so lovingly meet , That like Sister and Brother They kist one another ; It was a great pleasure to see 't . No Globe cou'd be found So perfectly round , As her Back was , by all that mind her . And to give her her due , Her Head turn'd like a Skrew To study the Globe behind her . 6. Her Breath it was strong , Her Legs short and long , To make up her perfect shape ; Her Cheeks were like Lent When 't is almost spent , And her Face was as sweet as an Ape . Her Skin might be taken For a gammon of Bacon ; Her Brests , never Trencher so flat ; So fine was her mouth , That it stood North and South ; And sh 'ad delicate Eyes like a Cat. 7. I think it is meet To speak of her feet , And tell you how well they were made ; I will not deceive ye , But if you 'll believe me , They had the true shape of a Spade , So fine and so flat ; But when she did pat , So even a guard she did keep : With legs high and low , That when she did go , You 'd think she were playing Bo-peep . 8. But this Narration Breeds such molestation Within my unfortunate breast , I can say no more , But must give it ore , And leave you to guess at the rest . Search all the world round , None such can be found , So well she pleased my Pallet ; That I 'll pine all my life For the loss of my Wife : And there is an end of my Ballet . The Patient Man , and the Scolding Wife . 1. M. WIfe , come gi' me thy hand now , And sit thee down by me ; There 's never a man in the Land now Shall be more loving to thee . W. I hate to sit by such a Drone ; Thou ly'st like a Log in my Bed. I had better a lain alone : For I still have my Maidenhead . 2. M. Wife , prethee now leave off thy ranting , And let us both agree ; There 's nothing else shall be wanting , If thou wo't be ruled by me . W. I will have a Coach and a Man , And a Saddle-horse to ride ; I also will have a Sedan , And a Footman to run by my side . 3. M. Thou sha't have all this , my dear Wife , And thou sha't bear the Sway ; Nay , I 'll provide thee good Cheer , Wife , ' Gainst thou com'st from the Park or a Play. W. I 'll have every week a new Gown , And a Petticoat died in Grain , Of the modishest Silk in the Town ; And a Page to hold up my Train . 4. M. Thou sha't have this too , my sweet Wife , If thou 't contented be , Or any thing else that is meet , Wife , If thou wo't be ruled by me . W. I will have a Gallant or two , And they shall be handsome men ; And I 'll make you to know your kue , When they come in and go out agen . 5. M. Methinks a couple's too few , Wife ; Thou sha't have three or four : And yet I know thou 't be true , Wife , Although thou hadst half a score . W. I will have as many as I please , In spight of your teeth , you fool ; And when I have the Pocky disease , 'T is you that shall empty my Stool . 6. M. Why how now , you brazen-fac'd Harlot ! I 'll make you to change your note ; And if ever I find that you snarl at My actions , I 'll bang your Coat . Nay , I 'll make you to wait , you Flaps , At Table till I have din'd ; And I 'll leave you nothing but Scraps , Till I find you better inclin'd . 7. W. Sweet Husband , I now cry Peccavi ; You know we women are frail : And for the ill words that I gave ye , Ask pardon , and hope to prevail . For now I will lie at your foot , Desiring to kiss your hand ; Nay , cast off my Gallants to boot , And still be at your command . The Doating Lover . 1. WAs ever man so happy as I , Sir ! My Mistriss has gi'n me a kiss : But I full long at her door did lie , Sir , Before I cou'd compass this . I cring'd , and I bow'd , And I sung to my Crowd ; But never cou'd get it before . And if but another I may be allow'd , I 'd lie there a twelve month more . 2. Though for a time she did deprive me The favour of seeing her face , That balmy Kiss did so revive me , It made me take heart a grace . And if as I see Such Vertue there be In one poor innocent Kiss , I 'll give my Estate , whatere be my fate , To get such another as this . 3. For he that 's possest with Riches and Honour , May meet with a cruel Dame ; 'T will signifie nothing until he has won her To answer his amorous flame . Let him hunt , let him hawk , Let him drink , let him talk , And strive to forget her disdain : He ne'r in his breast will have any rest , Until he comes to her again . A Song on a Wedding . 1. NOw that Loves Holiday is come , And Madge the Maid hath swept the Room , And trim'd her Spit and Pot ; Awake , my merry , my merry Muse , and sing The Revels , and that other thing That must not be forgot . 2. As the gray Morning dawn'd , 't is sed , Clarissa broke out of her bed , Like Cynthia in her pride ; Where all the Maiden-Lights that were Compriz'd within our Hemisphere , Attended at her side . 3. But wot you then , with much ado They drest the Bride from top to toe , And brought her from her Chamber , Deck'd in her Robes and Garments gay , More sumptuous than the flow'rs in May , Or Stars inshrin'd in Amber . 4. The sparkling Bullies of her Eyes , Like two eclipsed Suns did rise Beneath her Cristal Brow , To shew by those strange accidents , Some changeable Events Were like to hap below . 5. Her Cheeks bestreakt with white and red , Like pretty Tel-tales of the Bed , Presag'd the blustring night With his incircling arms and shade , Resolv'd to swallow and invade , And skreen her Virgin-light . 6. Her Lips , those threads of Scarlet-die , Wherein Loves Charms and Quiver lie , Legions of Sweets did crown ; Which smilingly did seem to say , O crop me , crop me , whilst you may ; Anon they 're not mine own . 7. Her Breasts , those melting Alps of Snow , On whose fair hill , in open show , The God of Love lay napping , Like swelling Buts of lively Wine , Upon the Ivory stalls did shine , To wait the lucky tapping . 8. Her Waste , that slender Type of man , Was but a small and single span ; Yet I dare safely swear , He that whole thousands has in fee , Wou'd forfeit all , so he might be Lord of the Mannor there . 9. But now , before I pass the Line , Pray , Reader , give me leave to dine , And pause here in the middle ; The Bridegroom and the Parson knock , With all the Hymeneal flock , The Plum-cake and the Fiddle . 10. Whenas the Priest Clarissa sees , He star'd as 't had bin half his fees To gaze upon her face . And if the Spirit did not move , His Continence was far above Each sinner in the place . 11. With mick stir he joyn'd their hands , And hamper'd 'em in Marriage-bands As fast as fast might be . Where still methinks , methinks I hear That secret Sigh in every ear , O Love , remember me . 12. Which done , the Cook he knockt amain , And up the Dishes in a train Came smoaking two and two . With that they wipt their mouths and sate , Some fell to quaffing , some to prate ; Aye marry , and welcome too . 13. In Pairs they thus impal'd the Meat , Roger , and Marget , and Thomas , and Kate , Rafe and Bess , Andrew and Maudlin , And Valentine eke , with Sybil so sweet , Whose Cheeks on each side of her Snuffers did meet , As round and plump as a Codlin . 14. When at the last they 'd fetcht their fees , And mir'd their stomach up to th' knees In Claret , for and good Chear , Then , then began the merry din : For 't was thought they were all on the Pin. O what kissing and clipping was there ! 15. But as luck would have 't , the Parson said Grace , And to frisking and dancing they shuffled apace . Each Lad took's Last by the fist ; Who there did kiss her and turn her , until The fat of her face ran down like a Mill ; He toul'd for the rest of the Grist . 16. In sweat and in dust having wasted the day , They enter'd on the last Act of the Play. The Bride to her Bed was convey'd ; Where knee-deep each hand fell down to the ground , And in seeking the Garter , much pleasure was found ; ' Twou'd a made a mans arm have stray'd . 17. This Clutter ore , Clarissa lay Half-bedded , like the peeping day , Behind Olympus Cap ; Whilst at her head each twittering Girl The fatal Stockin quick did whirl , To know the lucky hap . 18. The Bridegroom in at last did ruffle , All disappointed in the bustle , The Maids had shav'd his Breeches . But let him not complain , till then In such a storm , I can tell when , He sav'd his other Stitches . 19. And now he bounc'd into the Bed , Even just as if a man had sed , Fair Lady , have at all . Where twisted at the hug they lay , Like Venus and the sprightful Boy : O who wou'd fear the fall ! 20. Thus both with Loves sweet Tapers fir'd , A thousand balmy Kisses tir'd , They cou'd not wait the rest . But out the Folk and Candles fled , And to 't they went ; but what they did , There lies the Cream o' th' Jest . A positive Farewel to Love. 1. WHen in the month of January , Ripe Apples grow on Trees ; When Butter doth in Fehruary , At once both thaw and freeze ; When Horses flie , Beasts headless walk ; When Chairs and Stools do move ; When Mutes as fast as Women talk ; Then will I fall in love . 2. When Cherries in the month of March As ripe are as in June ; When men instead of Corn sow Starch ; When Bears do sing in tune ; When Fishes on the Trees do chatter ; When Womens Tongues ne'r move ; When Men forbear to lie and flatter ; Then will I fall in love . 3. If when it rains , the ground be dry ; Or when 't is foul , fair weather ; When Sun and Moon shall in the Sky Both meet and dance together ; When the Heavens fall where th' Earth doth stand , And th' Earth doth mount above , And I can grasp both in my hand ; Then will I fall in love . 4. A Lover he no Will doth know ; He cannot speak or stir : He is a Child , and cannot go , But as he 's mov'd by her . Whilst I still by my self do move , And to my Pleasures bend : Then farewel unto shitten Love. And so I 'll make an end . FINIS .