A28301	----	A satyr against wit Blackmore, Richard, Sir, d. 1729. 1700 Approx. 22 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 8 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2003-11 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A28301 Wing B3085 ESTC R1140 11875664 ocm 11875664 50219 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A28301) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 50219) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 809:9) A satyr against wit Blackmore, Richard, Sir, d. 1729. 15 p. Printed for Samuel Crouch ..., London : 1700. Reproduction of original in Huntington Library. An attack in verse on the so-called "wits" of the time, Dryden and others, for their grossness and impiety. Part of names left blank in text have been supplied in manuscript. Attributed to Richard Blackmore. cf. BM. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. Gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. EEBO-TCP is a partnership between the Universities of Michigan and Oxford and the publisher ProQuest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by ProQuest via their Early English Books Online (EEBO) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). The general aim of EEBO-TCP is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic English-language title published between 1473 and 1700 available in EEBO. EEBO-TCP aimed to produce large quantities of textual data within the usual project restraints of time and funding, and therefore chose to create diplomatic transcriptions (as opposed to critical editions) with light-touch, mainly structural encoding based on the Text Encoding Initiative (http://www.tei-c.org). The EEBO-TCP project was divided into two phases. The 25,363 texts created during Phase 1 of the project have been released into the public domain as of 1 January 2015. Anyone can now take and use these texts for their own purposes, but we respectfully request that due credit and attribution is given to their original source. Users should be aware of the process of creating the TCP texts, and therefore of any assumptions that can be made about the data. Text selection was based on the New Cambridge Bibliography of English Literature (NCBEL). If an author (or for an anonymous work, the title) appears in NCBEL, then their works are eligible for inclusion. Selection was intended to range over a wide variety of subject areas, to reflect the true nature of the print record of the period. In general, first editions of a works in English were prioritized, although there are a number of works in other languages, notably Latin and Welsh, included and sometimes a second or later edition of a work was chosen if there was a compelling reason to do so. Image sets were sent to external keying companies for transcription and basic encoding. Quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in Oxford and Michigan. 5% (or 5 pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet QA standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. 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Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng English wit and humor -- Early works to 1800. 2003-07 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2003-07 SPi Global Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2003-08 Marika Ismail Sampled and proofread 2003-08 Marika Ismail Text and markup reviewed and edited 2003-10 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion A SATYR AGAINST WIT. The Second Edition . LONDON : Printed for Samuel Crouch , at the Corner of Pope's-Head-Alley , over against the Royal Exchange in Cornhill , 1700. A Satyr against WIT. VVHO can forbear , and tamely silent fit , And see his Native Land undone by Wit ? Boast not , Britannia , of thy happy Peace , What if Campaigns and Sea-Engagements cease , Wit , a worse Plague , does mightily encrease ? Some monstrous Crimes to Ages past unknown , Have surely pull'd this heavy Judgment down . Fierce Insect-Wits draw out their noisy Swarms , And threaten Ruin more than Foreign Arms. O'er all the Land the hungry Locusts spread , Gnaw every Plant , taint every flowry Bed , And crop each tender Virtue 's tender Head. How happy were the old unpolished Times , As free from Wit as other modern Crimes ? As our Forefathers Vig'rous were and Brave ; So they were Virtuous , Wise , Discreet and Grave , Detesting both alike the Wit and Knave . They justly Wits and Fools believ'd the same , And Jester was for both the common Name . Their Minds for Empire form'd would never quit Their noble Roughness , and dissolve in Wit. For Business born and bred to Martial Toil. They rais'd the Glory of Britannia's Isle . Then she her dreadful Ensigns did advance , To curb Iberia , and to conquer France . But this degenerate , loose and foolish Race Are all turn'd Wits , and their great Stock debase . Our Learning daily sinks , and Wit is grown The senseless Conversation of the Town . Enervated with this our Youth have 〈◊〉 That stubborn Virtue , which we once could boast . The Plague of Wit prevails , I fear 't is vain Now to attempt its Fury to restrain . It takes Men in the Head , and in the Fit They lose their Senses , and are gone in Wit. By various ways their Frenzy they express , Some with loose Lines run haring to the Press , In Lewdness some are Wits , some only Wits in Dress . Some seiz'd like Gravar , with Convulsions strain Always to say fine Things , but strive in vain , Urg'd with a dry Tenesmus of the Brain . Had but the People scar'd with Danger run To shut up Wills , where first this Plague begun : Had they the first infected Men convey'd Strait to Moorfields , the Pest-house for the Head ; The wild Contagion might have been supprest , Some few had fal'n , but we had sav'd the rest . An Act like this had been a good Defence Against our great Mortality of Sense . But now th' Infection spreads , the Bills run high , At the last Gasp of Sense ten thousand dy . We meet fine Youth in every House and Street , With all the deadly Tokens out , of Wit. Vannine that look'd on all the Danger past , Because he scap'd so long , is seiz'd at last . By Pox and Hunger and by D — ● bit He grins and snarles , and in his dogged Fit Froths at the Mouth , a certain Sign of Wit. Craper runs madly midst the sickest Crowd , And fain would be infected , if he cou'd . Under the Means he lies , frequents the Stage , Is very leud , and does at Learning rage . Pity that so much Labour should be lost By such a healthful Constitution crost . Against th' Assaults of Wit his Make his proof , Still his strong Nature works the Poison off . He still escapes , but yet is wondrous pleas'd Wit to recite , and to be thought Diseas'd . So Hypocrites in Vice in this vile Town To Wickedness pretend , that 's not their own . A Bantring Spirit has our Men possest , And Wisdom is become a standing Jest. Wit does of Virtue sure Destruction make ; Who can produce a Wit and not a Rake ? Wise Magistrates leud Wit do therefore hate , The Bane of Virtue 's Treason to the State. While Honour fails and Honesty decays , In vain we beat our Heads for Means and Ways What well-form'd Government or State can last , When Wit has laid the Peoples Virtue wast ? The Mob of Wits is up to storm the Town , To pull all Virtue and right Reason down . Quite to subvert Religion's sacred Fence , To set up Wit , and pull down common Sense . Our Libraries they gut , and shouting bear The Spoils of ruin'd Churches in the Air. Their Captain Tom does at their Head appear , And S — ● in his Gown brings up the Rear . Aloud the Church and Clergy they condemn , Curse all their Order , and their God blaspheme . Against all Springs of Learning they declare , Against Religion's Nurseries , and swear They will no All — e , M — ll or Ch — t spare : But the leud Crew affirm by all that 's good They 'll ne'er disperse unless they 've B — ly's Blood. For that ill-natur'd Critic has undone The rarest Piece of Wit that e'er was shown . Till his rude Stroaks had thresh'd the empty Sheaf , We thought there had been something else than Chaff . Crown'd with Applause this Master Critic sits , And round him ly the Spoils of ruin'd Wits . How great a Man ! What Rev'rence were his due , Could he suppress the Critic's Fastus too ? As certain Words will Lunaticks enrage , Who just before appear'd sedate and sage . So do but Lock or Books or Bentley name , The Wit 's in clammy Sweats , or in a Flame . Horror and Shame ! What would the Madmen have ? They dig up learned Bernard's peaceful Grave . The Sacred-Urn of famous Stilling fleet , We see prophan'd by the leud Sons of Wit. The skilful Ty — n's Name they dare invade , And yet they are undone without his Aid . Ty — n with base Reproaches they pursue , Just as his Moorfields Patients use to do . For next to Virtue , Learning they abhor , Laugh at Discretion , but at Business more . A Wit 's an idle , wretched Fool of Parts , That hates all Liberal and Mechanick Arts. Wit does enfeeble and debauch the Mind , Before to Business or to Arts inclin'd . How useless is a fauntring empty Wit , Only to please with Jests at Dinner fit ? What hopeful Youths for Bar and Bench design'd , Seduc'd by Wit have learned Coke declin'd ? For what has Wit to do with Sense or Law ? Can that in Titles find or mend a Flaw ? Can Wit supply great T — by 's nervous Sense ? Or S — r's more than Roman Eloquence ? Which way has H — lt gain'd Universal Fame ? What makes the World thy Praises , F — ch , proclaim ? And charming P — s what advanc'd thy Name ? 'T was Application , Knowledge of the Laws , And your vast Fund of Sense , gain'd you Applause . The Law will ne'er support the bant'ring Breed , A Sl — may sometimes there , but Wits can ne'er succeed . R — t — ffe has Wit , and lavishes away More in his Conversation every Day , Than would supply a modern Writer's Play. But 't is not that , but the great Master's Skill , Who with more Ease can cure , than C — h kill , That does the grateful Realm with his Applauses fill . Thy Learning G — ns , and thy Judgment H — w , Make you in envy'd Reputation grow . This drew Invectives on you , all agree , From the lean Small-craft of your Faculty . Had you been Wits you had been both secure From Business , and for Satyr too Obscure , Ill-natur'd , Arrogant , and very Poor . But let Invectives still your Names assail , Your Business is to Cure , and theirs to Rail . Let 'em proceed and make your Names a Sport In leud Lampoons , they 've Time and Leisure for 't . Despise their Spite , the Thousands whom you raise From threaten'd Death will bless You all their Days , And spend the Breath you sav'd , in just and lasting Praise . But Wit as now 't is manag'd would undo The Skill and Virtues we admire in You. In G — the Wit the Doctor has undone , In S — d the Divine , Heav'ns guard poor Ad — son . An able Senator is lost in M — l , And a fine Scholar sunk by Wit in B — l. After his foolish Rhimes both Friends and Foes Conclude they know , who did not write his Prose . Wit does our Schools and Colleges invade , And has of Letters vast Destruction made . Has laid the Muses choicest Gardens wast , Broke their Inclosures and their Groves defac't . We strive in Jests each other to exceed , And shall e'er long forget to Write or Read. Unless a Fund were settled once that cou'd Make our deficient Sense and Learning good , Nothing can be expected , for the Debt By this loose Age contracted , is so great , To set the Muses mortgag'd Acres free , Our Bankrupt Sons must sell out-right the Fee. The present Age has all their Treasure spent , They can't the Int'rest pay at Five per Cent. What to discharge it can we hope to raise From D — fy's , or from Poet D — n — 's Plays , Or G — th's Lampoon with little in 't but Praise ? O S — er , T — bot , D — set , M — gue , Gr — y , Sh — ld , C — d — sh , P — ke , V — n , you Who in Parnassus have Imperial Sway , Whom all the Muses Subjects here obey , Are in your Service and receive your Pay ; Exert your Soveraign Power , in Judgment sit To regulate the Nation 's Grievance , Wit. Pity the cheated Folks that every Day For Copper Wit good Sterling Silver pay . If once the Muses Chequer would deny To take false Wit , 't would lose its currency . Not a base Piece would pass , that pass'd before Just wash'd with Wit , or thinly plated o'er . Set forth your Edict , let it be enjoyn'd That all defective Species be recoyn'd . St. E — m — t and R — r both are fit To oversee the Coining of our Wit. Let these be made the Masters of Essay , They 'll every Piece of Metal touch and weigh , And tell which is too light , which has too much Allay . 'T is true , that when the course and worthless Dross Is purg'd away , there will be mighty Loss . Ev'n C — e , S — n , Manly W — ly , When thus refin'd will grievous Suff'rers be . Into the melting Pot when D — n comes , What horrid Stench will rise , what noisome Fumes ? How will he shrink , when all his leud Allay , And wicked Mixture shall be purg'd away ? When once his boasted Heaps are melted down , A Chest full scarce will yield one Sterling Crown . Those who will D — n — s melt and think to find A goodly Mass of Bullion left behind , Do , as th' Hibernian Wit , who as 't is told , Burnt his gilt Leather to collect the Gold. But what remains will be so pure , 't will bear Th' Examination of the most severe . 'T will S — r's Scales and T — bot's Test abide , And with their Mark please all the World beside . But when our Wit 's call'd in , what will remain The Muses learned Commerce to maintain ? How pensive will our Beaus and Ladies sit ? They 'll mutiny for want of ready Wit. That such a failure no Man may incense , Let us erect a Bank for Wit and Sense . A Bank whose current Bills may Payment make , Till new Mill'd Wit shall from the Mint come back . Let S — er , D — set , Sh — ld , M — gue , Lend but their Names , the Project then will do . The Bank is fixt if these will under-write , They pay the vastest Sums of Wit at fight . These are good Men , in whom we all agree , Their Notes for Wit are good Security . Duncombs and Claytons in Parnassus all , Who cannot sink unless the Hill should fall . Their Bills , tho' ne'er supported by Trustees , Will through Parnassus circulate with ease . If these come in , the Bank will quickly fill , All will be scrambling up Parnassus Hill. They 'll crowd the Muses Hall and throng to write Great Sums of Wit , and will be Gainers by 't . V — e and C — e both are Wealthy , they Have Funds of Standard-Sense , need no Allay , And yet mix'd Metal oft they pass away . The Bank may safely their Subscriptions take , But let 'em for their Reputation 's sake , Take care their Payments they in Sterling make . Codron will under-write his Indian Wit , Far-fetch'd indeed , so 't will the Ladies fit . By Hearsay he 's a Scholar , and they say The Man 's a sort of Wit too in his way . Let 'em receive whatever P — r brings , In nobler Strains no happy Genius sings . 'T is Complaisance when to divert his Friends , He to facetious Fancies condescends . T — e will subscribe , but set no Payment-Day , For his slow Muse you must with Patience stay , He 's honest , and as Wit comes in , will pay . But how would all this new Contrivance Prize , How high in value would their Actions rise ? Would Fr — k engraft his solid , manly Sense , His Learning L — k , Fl — d his Eloquence . The Bank when thus establish'd will supply Small Places , for the little , loitt'ring Fry That follow G — th , or at Will Vr — 's ply . Their Station will be low , but ne'ertheless For this Provision they should Thanks express : 'T is sad to be a Wit and Dinnerless . T — n the great Wit-Jobber of the Age , And all the Muses Broakers will engage Their several Friends to cry the Actions up , And all the railing Mouths of Envy stop . Ye Lords who o'er the Muses Realm preside , Their Int'rests manage and their Empire guide ; Regard your Care , regard the sacred State Laid by Invaders wast and desolate . Tartars and Scythians have in barb'rous Bands Riffled the Muses and o'er-run their Lands . The Native Subjects who in Peace enjoy'd The happy Seat , are by the Sword destroy'd . Gardens and Groves Parnassus did adorn , Condemn'd to Thistles now , and curst with Thorn. Instead of Flowers and Herbs of wholsom use , It does rank Weeds and pois'nous Plants produce . Fitter to be for Witches a Retreat , Owls , Satyrs , Monkies , than the Muses Seat. Ev'n these debauch'd by D — n and his Crew , Turn Bawds to Vice and wicked Aims pursue . Therefore some just and wholesome Laws ordain , That may this wild Licentiousness restrain . To Virtue and to Merit have regard , To punish learn , you know how to reward . Let those Correction have , and not Applause , That Heav'n affront and ridicule its Laws . No sober Judge will Atheism e'er permit To pass for Sense , or Blasphemy for Wit. Declare that what 's Obscene shall give Offence , Let want of Decency be want of Sense . Send out your Guards to scow'r the Ways and seize The Footpads , Outlaws , Rogues and Rapparees , That in the Muses Country rob and kill , And make Parnassus worse than Shooter's Hill. Poetic Justice should on these be shown , Or soon the Muses State must be undone . For now an honest Man can't peep abroad , And all chast Muses dread the dangerous Road. If in Parnassus any needy Wit Should filch and Petty Larceny commit , If he should riffle Books , and Pilferer turn , An Inch beside the Nose the Felon burn . Let him distinguish'd by this Mark appear , And in his Cheek a plain Signetur wear . Chastise the Poets who our Laws invade , And hold with France for Wit an Owling Trade . Felonious G — pursuing this Design , Smuggles French Wit , as others Silks and Wine . But let his Suff'rings doubly be severe , For he both steals it there , and runs it here . Condemn all those who 'gainst the Muses Laws Sollicit Votes , and canvas for Applause . When Torman writes he rattles up and down , And makes what Friends he can , to make the Town . By Noise and Violence they force a Name , For this leud Town has Setters too for Fame : It is not Merit now that recommends , But he 's allow'd most Sense , that makes most Friends In Panegyrick let it be a Rule , That for the Sense none praise a Wealthy Fool. D — n condemn who taught Men how to make Of Dunces Wits , an Angel of a Rake . By Treats and Gifts our Youth may now commence , Wits without Brains , and Scholars without Sense . They cry up Darfel for a Wit , to treat Let him forbear , and they their Words will eat . Great Atticus himself these Men would curse , Should Atticus appear without his Purse . Of any Price you may bespeak a Name , For Characters they cut , and retail Fame . Bounty 's the Measure of a Patron 's Mind , For they have still most Sense , that prove most kind . Fame on Great Men's a Charge that still goes on , For Wits , like Scriv'ners , take for Pro and Con. Without his Gold what generous Oran writ , Had ne'er been Standard , sheer Athenian Wit. Those who by Satyr would reform the Town , Should have some little Merit of their own , And not be Rakes themselves below Lampoon . For all their Libels Panegyrick's are , They 're still read backward like a Witch's Pray'r . Ell — t 's Reproofs who does not make his Sport ? who 'll e'er repent that S — d does exhort ? Therefore let Satyr-Writers be supprest , Or be reform'd by cautious D — set's Test. 'T is only D — set's Judgment can command , Wit the worst Weapon in a Madman's Hand . The Biting Things by that great Master said , Flow from rich Sense , but theirs from want of Bread. Whatever is by them in Satyr writ Is Malice all , but his excess of Wit. To lash our Faults and Follies is his Aim , Theirs is good Sense and Merit to defame . In D — set Wit ( and therefore still 't will please ) Is Constitution , but in them Disease . Care should be taken of the Impotent , That in your Service have their Vigor spent . They should have Pensions from the Muses State , Too Old to Write , too Feeble to Translate . But let the lusty Beggar-Wits that lurk About the Hill , be seiz'd and set to Work. Besides some Youths Debauches will commit , And surfeit by their undigested Wit. Th' intoxicating Draught they cannot bear , It takes their Heads before they are aware . Weak Brothers by Excesses it appears Have oft been laid up Months , and some whole Years . By one Debauch a tender Wit was try'd , And he 't is known was likely to have dy'd . That neither Sick nor Poor you may neglect , For all the Muses Invalids erect , An Hospital upon Parnassus Hill , And settle Doctors there of Worth and Skill . This Town can numbers for your Service spare , That live obscure and of Success despair . Fracar has many sour Invectives said , And Jests upon his own Profession spred , And with good Reason , 't will not find him Bread. And some such Doctors , sure you may persuade To labour at th' Apothecary's Trade . They 'll Med'cines make , and at the Mortar sweat , Let 'em pound Drugs , they have no Brains to beat . FINIS . Notes, typically marginal, from the original text Notes for div A28301-e110 Roscom . 
A13376	----	Tarltons jests Drawne into these three parts. 1 His court-witty iests. 2 His sound city iests. 3 His countrey pretty iests. Full of delight, wit, and honest mirth. 1638 Approx. 71 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 21 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2003-07 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A13376 STC 23684 ESTC S111346 99846708 99846708 11695 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A13376) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 11695) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1475-1640 ; 1467:7) Tarltons jests Drawne into these three parts. 1 His court-witty iests. 2 His sound city iests. 3 His countrey pretty iests. Full of delight, wit, and honest mirth. Tarlton, Richard, d. 1588, attributed name. [40] p. Printed by I[ohn] H[aviland] for Andrew Crook, and are to be sold in Pauls Church-yard, at the signe of the Beare, London : 1638. "More or less fictitious anecdotes, many of them far older than Tarlton, who probably was in no way responsible for the work"--Folger Shakespeare Library catalogue. The words "1 His court-witty iests. .. 3 His countrey pretty iests." are bracketed together on the title page. With a title-page woodcut. Printer's name from STC. Signatures: A-E⁴. In this edition, C2r lines 4,5 from bottom read: "Globe on the #5FD\ Banks side". Reproduction of the original in the Bodleian Library. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. Gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. EEBO-TCP is a partnership between the Universities of Michigan and Oxford and the publisher ProQuest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by ProQuest via their Early English Books Online (EEBO) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). The general aim of EEBO-TCP is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic English-language title published between 1473 and 1700 available in EEBO. EEBO-TCP aimed to produce large quantities of textual data within the usual project restraints of time and funding, and therefore chose to create diplomatic transcriptions (as opposed to critical editions) with light-touch, mainly structural encoding based on the Text Encoding Initiative (http://www.tei-c.org). The EEBO-TCP project was divided into two phases. The 25,363 texts created during Phase 1 of the project have been released into the public domain as of 1 January 2015. Anyone can now take and use these texts for their own purposes, but we respectfully request that due credit and attribution is given to their original source. Users should be aware of the process of creating the TCP texts, and therefore of any assumptions that can be made about the data. Text selection was based on the New Cambridge Bibliography of English Literature (NCBEL). If an author (or for an anonymous work, the title) appears in NCBEL, then their works are eligible for inclusion. Selection was intended to range over a wide variety of subject areas, to reflect the true nature of the print record of the period. In general, first editions of a works in English were prioritized, although there are a number of works in other languages, notably Latin and Welsh, included and sometimes a second or later edition of a work was chosen if there was a compelling reason to do so. Image sets were sent to external keying companies for transcription and basic encoding. Quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in Oxford and Michigan. 5% (or 5 pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet QA standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. After proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of 100 instances per text. Any remaining illegibles were encoded as <gap>s. Understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of TCP data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. Users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a TCP editor. The texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level 4 of the TEI in Libraries guidelines. Copies of the texts have been issued variously as SGML (TCP schema; ASCII text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable XML (TCP schema; characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless XML (TEI P5, characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or TEI g elements). Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng English wit and humor -- Early works to 1800. 2003-02 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2003-03 SPi Global Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2003-04 Rina Kor Sampled and proofread 2003-04 Rina Kor Text and markup reviewed and edited 2003-06 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion RICHARD TARLTON . Tarltons Jests . Drawne into these three parts . 1 His Court-witty Iests . 2 His sound City Iests . 3 His Countrey pretty Iests . Full of delight , Wit , and honest Mirth . LONDON , Printed by I. H. for Andrew Crook , and are to be sold in Pauls Church-yard , at the signe of the Beare . 1638. Tarltons Court-Witty Iests . How Tarlton plaid the Drunkard before the Queene . THE Quéene being discontented ; which Tarlton perceiuing , took vpon him to delight her with some quaint iest : whereupon he counterfaited a drunkard , and called for Béere , which was brought immediately . Her Maiestie noting his humor , commanded that he should haue no more : for ( quoth shée ) he will play the beast , and so shame himselfe . Feare not you ( quoth Tarlton ) for your Béere is small enough . Whereat her Maiestie laughed heartily , and commanded that he should haue enough . How Tarlton deceiued the Watch in Fleetstreet . TArlton hauing bin late at Court , & cōming homewards thorow Fléetstréet , he espied the Watch , and not knowing how to passe them , hée went very fast , thinking by that meanes to goe vnexmained : But the Watchmen perceiuing that hee shunned them , stept to him , & commanded him in the Queenes name to stand . Stand , quoth Tarlton ? let them stand that can , for I cannot . So falling downe , as though he had been drunke , they helpt him vp , and so let him passe . How Tarlton flowted a Lady in the Court. VPon a time , Tarlton being among certaine Ladies at a banquet which was at Greenewich , the Quéene then lying there , one of the Ladies had her face ful of pimples with heat at her stomake , for which cause she refused to drinke wine amongst the rest of the Ladies : which Tarlton perceiuing ( for he was there of purpose to iest amongst them ) quoth he , A marren of that face , which makes all the body fare the worse for it . At which the rest of the Ladies laught , and she ( blushing for shame ) left the banquet . Tarltons opinion of Oysters . CErtaine Noblemen and Ladies of the Court , being eating of Oysters , one of them séeing Tarlton , called him , & asked him if he loued Oysters ? No ( quoth Tarlton ) for they be vngodly meate , vncharitable meat , and vnprofitable meate . Why , quoth the Courtiers ; They are vngodly , sayes Tarlton , because they are eaten without grace , vncharitable , because they leaue nought but shelles : and vnprofitable , because they must swim in wine . Tarltons resolution of a question ONe of the company taking the Gentlemans part , asked Tarlton at what time he thought the Diuell to be most busied ? When the Pope dies , ( quoth he . ) Why saies the Courtier ? Marry ( answered he ) then all the Deuils are troubled and busied to plague him : for he hath sent many a soule before him thither , that exclaime against him . How a parsonage fell into Tarltons hands . HEr Maiestie dining in the Strand at the Lord Treasurers , the Lords were very desirous that she would vouchsafe to stay all night : but nothing could preuaile with her . Tarlton was in his Clownes apparell , being all dinner while in the presence with her , to make her merry : and hearing the sorrow that the Noblemen made , that they could not worke her stay : he asked the Nobles what they would giue him to worke her stay ? The Lords promised him any thing , to performe it . Quoth he Procure me the Parsonage of Shard . They caused the patent to be drawne presently : he got on a Parsons gowne and a corner-Cap , & standing vpon the staires , where the Quéene should descend , he repeated these words : A Parson , or no Parson ? A Parson , or no Parson : but after she knew his meaning , shée not only stayd all night , but the next day willed hée should haue possession of the Benefice . A madder Parson was neuer , for he threatned to turne the Bell-mettle into lyning for his purse : which he did , the Parsonage and all , into ready money . How Tarlton Proued two Gentlewomen dishonest by their owne words . TArlton séeing in Gréenwich two Gentlewomen in the Garden together , to moue mirth comes to them , and enquires thus : Gentlewomen , which of you two is the honester ? I , sayes the one , I hope without exceptions : and I quoth the other , since we must speake for our selues : so then sayes Tarlton , one of you by your own words is dishonese , one being honester then the other , else you would answere otherwise : but as I found you , so I leaue you . How Tarlton answered a wanton Gentlewoman . A Gentlewoman merrily disposed , being crost by Tarlton , and halfe angry , said , Sirra , a little thing would make mée requite you with a cuffe . With a cuff , Lady , sayes Tarlton ? so would you spell my sorrow forward : but spell my sorrow backward , then cuffe me and spare not : when the Gentlemen by considered of the word , they laughing , made the simple-meaning Gentlewoman to blush for shame . How Tarlton dared a Lady . AT the Dinner in the great Chamber where Tarlton iested , the Ladies were daring one another : quoth one , I euer durst do any thing that is honest and Honourable . A French crowne of that , sayes Tarlton . Ten pound of that sayes the Lady . Done , sayes one , Done sayes another . Tarlton put two pence betwixt his lips , and dared her to take it away with her lips . Fie , sayes shée , that is immodesty . What to kisse , sayes Tarlton ? then immodesty beares a great hand ouer all : but once in your life say , you haue béene beaten at your owne weapon . Well , Sir , sayes shee , you may say any thing . Then sayes Tarlton , remember , I say you dare not , and so my wager is good . How Tarlton landed at Cuckolds haven . TArlton being one Sunday at Court all day , caused a paire of Oares to tend him , who at night called on him to be gone . Tarlton being a carousing , drunk so long to the Watermen , that one of them was bumpsie , and so indéede were all thrée for the most part : at last they left Gréenwich , the Tide being at a great low fall ▪ the Watermen yet afraide of the Crosse Cables by the Lime-house , very dark and late as it was , landed Tarlton at Cuckolds-hauen , and said , the next day they would giue him a reason for it : But Tarlton was faine to goe by land to Redriffe on the dirty banke , euery step knée-déepe : so that cōming home , hée called one of his boyes to help him off with his boots , meaning his stockings , which were died of another colour . Whereupon one gaue him this theame the next day : Tarlton , tell mee : for fayne would I know , If thou wert landed at Cuckholds-haven or no ? Tarlton answered thus : Yes , Sir , and I tak 't in , no scorne : For many land there yet misse of the horne . How Tarlton fought with blacke Davie . NOt long since liued a little swaggerer : called Blacke Davie , who would at Sword and Buckler fight with any Gentleman or other , for twelue pence : he being hired to draw vpon Tarlton , for breaking a iest vpon huffing Kate , a Punke , as men termed her : one euening , Tarlton comming forth at the Court gate , being at Whitehall , and walking toward the Tilt-yard , this Davie immediately drew vpon Tarlton : who on the sudden , though amazed , drew likewise , and enquired the cause : which Davie denied , till they had fought a bout or two . Tarlton couragiously got within him , and taking him in his armes , threw him into the Tilt-yard , who falling vpon his nose , broke it extremely , that euer after he snuffled in the head ; poore Dauie lying all that night in the Tilt - yard , expecting the doores to be opened came forth , and at the Barber-surgeons told of this bloody combat : and the occasion of it was ( quoth he ) because Tarlton being in a Tauerne , in the company of this-damnable Cackatrice , huffing Kate , called for wine , but she told him , That without he would burne it , she would not drink . No quoth Tarlton , it shall be burnt , for thou canst burne it without fire . As how Sir ( quoth she ? ) Mary thus . Take the Cup in thine hand , and I will tell thée . So he filling the cup in her hand , said it was burnt sufficiently in so fiery a place : shée perceiuing her selfe so slouted , hired me to be her Champion , to reuenge her quarrell . How Tarlton answered the VVatchmen , comming from the Court. TArlton hauing plaied before the Quéene till one a clock at midnight , comming homewards , one of them espied him , called him , Sirra what art thou ? A woman , sayes Tarlton . Nay , that is a lye , say the Watchmen ; women haue no such beards . Tarlton replyed , if I should haue said a man , that you know to be true , and would haue bidden me , tel you that you know not , therefore I said a woman , and so I am all woman , hauing pleased the Quéen , being a woman . Well , sirra , sayes another , I present the Queene : then am I a woman , indeed , sayes Tarlton , as well as you , for you haue a beard as well as I , and truly Mistris Annis , my buske is not done yet : when will yours ? leaue thy gibing , fellow , saith the Watch , the Queenes will is , That whosoeuer is taken without doores after ten a clocke , shall bee committed , and now it is past one : commit all such , sayes Tarlton , for if it be past one a clocke , it will not be ten this eight houres : with that one lifts vp his Lanthorne , and lookes him in the face , and knew him ; Indeed M. Tarlton you haue more wit then all we , for it is true , that ten was before one , but now one is before ten . It is true , quoth Tarlton , Watch-men had wont to haue more wit , but for want of sléepe they are turned fooles : so Tarlton stole from them : and they to séeme wise , went home to bed . Tarltons answer to a Courtier . TArlton being at the Court all night , in the morning he met a great Courtier cōming from his Chamber , who espying Tarlton , said : Good morrow , M. Didimus and Tridimus : Tarlton being somewhat abashed , not knowing the meaning thereof , said , Sir , I vnderstand you not , expound , I pray you . Quoth the Courtier , Didimus and Tridimus , is a foole and a knaue : you ouerloade me , replied Tarlton , for my backe cannot beare both ; therefore take you the one , and I will take the other , take you the knaue , and I will carry the foole with me . Tarltons quip for a yong Courtier . THere was a young Gentleman in the Court , that had first lien with the Mother , and after with the Daughter , and hauing so done , asked Tarlton what it resembled : quoth he , As if you should first haue eaten the Hen , and afer , the Chicken . Tarltons answere to a Noblemans question . THere was a Nobleman that asked Tarlton what hée thought of Souldiers in time of Peace . Marry ( quoth he ) they are like Chimnies in Summer . Tarltons Iest to an vnthrifty Courtier . THere was an vnthriftie Gallant belonging to the Court , that had borrowd fiue pounds of Tarlton : but hauing lost it at Dice , he sent his man to Tarlton to borrow fiue pounds more , by the same token hée owed him already fiue pounds . Pray tel your Master ( quoth Tarlton ) that if he will send me the token , I will send him the money : for who deceiues me once , God forgiue him : if twice , God forgiue him : but if thrice , God forgiue him , but not me , because I could not beware . How Tarlton flouted two Gallants . TArlton being in a merry vaine , as hée walked in the great Hall in Greenwitch , hée met my old Lord Chamberlaine , going betwéene two fantasticke Gallants , and cryed aloud vnto him , my Lord , my Lord , you goe in great danger : whereat amazed , hée asked whereof : of drowning ( quoth Tarlton ) were it not for those two bladders vnder each of your armes . Tarltons sound City Iests . Tarltons iest of a red face . TO an Ordinary in White Fryers , where Gentlemen vsed , by reason of extraordinary diet , to this Tarlton often frequented , as well to continue acquaintance as to please his appetite . It chanced ●o vpon a time ( especially ) being set amongst the Gentlemen and Gallants , they enquired of him , why melancholy had got the vpper hand of his mirth ; to which he said little , but with a squint eye ( as custome had made him hare eyed ) hée looked for a Iest to make them merry . At last hée espied one that sate on his left side , which had a very red face , he being a very great Gentleman , ( which was all one to Tarlton ) hée presently in great haste called his Host : Who doe I serue ( my Host ) quoth Tarlton ; The Quéenes Maiestie , replied the Good man of the house . How happens it then , quoth Tarlton , that ( to her Maiesties disgrace ) you dare make me a companion with Seruingmen , clapping my Lord Shandoyes Cullisance vpon my sléeue , looking at the Gentleman with the red face ; mée thinkes , quoth he , it fits like the Saracens head without Newgate . The Gentlemans Salamanders face burnt like Erna for anger . The rest laughed heartily . In the end ( all enraged ) the Gentleman swore to fight with him at next méeting . A sudden and dangerous fray , twixt a Gentleman and Tarlton , which he put off with a iest . AS Tarlton and others passed along Fléet-stréet , he espied a spruse yong Gallant , black of complexion , with long haire hanging downe ouer his eares , and his beard of the Italian cut , in white Sattin , very quaintly cut , and his body so stiffely starcht , that he could not bend himselfe any way for no gold . Tarlton , séeing such a wonder comming , trips before him , and méeting this Gallant , tooke the wall of him , knowing that one so proud , at least looked for the prerogatiue . The Gallant scorning that a Player should take the wall , or so much indignifie him , turnes himselfe , and presently drew his Rapier . Tarlton , drew likewise . The Gentleman fell to it roundly : but Tarlton ( in his owne defence ) compassing and trauersing his ground , gaped with a wide mouth , whereat the people laughed : the Gentleman pausing , enquired why he gaped so , O Sir , saies he , in hope to swallow you ; for by my troth you séeme to me like a Prune in a messe of white Broth. At this the people parted them . The Gentleman noting his mad humour , went his way wel contented : for he knew not how to amend it . Tarltons Iest of a Pippin . AT the Bull in Bishops-gate-street , where the Quéenes Players oftentimes played , Tarlton comming on the Stage , one from the Gallery threw a Pippin at him . Tarlton tooke vp the Pip , and looking on it , made this sudden iest . Pip in , or nose in , chuse you whether , Put yours in , ere I put in the other . Pippin you haue put in : then , for my grace , Would I might put your nose in another place . A iest of an Apple hitting Tarlton on the face . TArlton hauing flouted the fellow for his pippin which hée threw , hée thought to beméet with Tarlton at length . So in the Play Tarltons part was to trauell , who knéeling down to aske his father blessing , the fellow threw an Apple at him , which hit him on the chéek . Tarlton taking vp the Apple , made this iest . Gentleman , this fellow , with this face of Mapple , Instead of a pipin , hath throwne me an Apple , But as for an Apple , he hath cast a Crab , So in stead of an honest woman , God hath sent him a drab . The people laughed heartily , for he had a Queane to his wife . How Tarlton and one in the Gallery fell out . IT chanced that in the midst of a Play , after long expectation for Tarlton : being much desired of the people , at length hée came forth : where ( at his entrance ) one in the Gallerie pointed his finger at him , saying to a friend that had neuer séene him , that is he . Tarlton to make sport at the least occasion giuen him , and séeing the man point with the finger , he in loue againe held vp two fingers : the captious fellow , iealous of his wife , ( for he was married ) and because a Player did it , took the matter more hainously , & asked him why he made hornes at him ; No ( quoth Tarlton they be fingers : For there is no man , Which in loue to me , Lends me one finger , but he shall have three . No , no , sayes the fellow , you gaue me the hornes . True ( sayes Tarlton ) for my fingers are tipt with nailes , which are like hornes , and I must make a shew of that which you are sure of . This matter grew so , that the more he meddled , the more it was for his disgrace : wherefore the standers by counselled him to depart , both hée and his hornes , lest his cause grew desperate . So the poore fellow , plucking his hat ouer his eyes , went his wayes . How Fiddlers fiddled away Tarltons apparell . IT chanced that one Fancy and Nancy , two Musicians in London , vsed often with their boyes to visit Tarlton , when he dwelt in Gracious-street at the signe of the Saba , a Tauerne , he being one of their best friends or benefactors , by reason of old acquaintance : to requite which , they came one Summers morning to play him The Hunt's vp , with such Musicke as they had . Tarlton , to requite them , would open his chamber doore , and for their paines would giue them Muskadine : which a Cony-catcher noting , and séeing Tarlton came forth in his shirt and night-gowne to drinke with these Musicians , the while this nimble fellow stept in , and tooke Tarltons apparell , which euery day he wore , thinking that if he were espied to turne it to a iest : but it past for currant , and he goes his wayes . Not long after Tarlton returned to his chamber , & looked for his cloaths : but they were safe enough from him . The next day this was noised abroad , and one in mockage threw him in this theame , he playing then at the Curtaine : Tarlton , I will tell thee a iest , Which after turned to earnest : One there was , as I heard say , Who in his shirt heard Musicke play , While all his clothes were stolne away . Tarlton smiling at this , answered on the sudden thus , That 's certaine , Sir , it is no lie That same one in truth was I , When that the theefe shall Pine and lacke , Then shall I haue cloathes to my backe : And I , together with my fellowes , May see them ride to Tiborne Gallowes . Of Tarlton and a beggar . TThere was a poore begger but a conceited fellow , who séeing Tarlton at his doore , asked somthing of him for Gods cause . Tarlton putting his hand in his pocket , gaue him two pence in stead of a penny : at which Tarlton made this Ryme ; Of all the Beggers most happy thou art , For to thee mine hand is better then my heart . Quoth the Begger . True it is , Master , as it chanceth now : The better for me , and the worse for you . How Tarlton deceived a Doctor of Physicke . TArlton , to satisfie the humours of certaine Gentlemen his familiar acquaintance , went about for to try the skil of a simple Doctor of Physick , that dwelt not far from Islington , and thus it was : he tooke a faire Urinal , and filled it halfe full of good Wine , and bore it to this Doctor , saying it was a sick mans water : he viewed it , and tossing it vp and downe , as though he had great knowledge : quoth he , the Patient whose water it is , is full of grosse humors , and hath néede of purging , and to be let some ten ounces of bloud . No , you Dunce , replyed Tarlton , it is good pisse , and with that drunke it off , and threw the Urinall at his head . How Tarlton frighted a Country fellow . TArlton passing through London , by chance he heard a simple Country fellow in an Ale-house , calling for a Kingstone pot of Ale , stept in to him , and threatned to accuse him of treason , saying Sirra , I haue séene and tasted of a penny pot of Ale , and haue found good of the price , but of a Kingstone coyne I neuer heard : therefore it is some counterfet , and I must know how thou camest by it : hereupon , the country fellow was driuen into such a maze , that out of doores he got , and tooke him to his héeles , as though wilde-fire had followed him . How Tarlton was deceiued by his Wife in London . TArlton , being merrily disposed as his Wife and he sate together , he said vnto her , Kate , answer me to one question , without a lye , and take this crown of gold : which shée took on condition , that if she lost , to restore it back again . Quoth Tarlton , am I a Cuckold or no , Kate ; Whereat shée answered not a word , but stood silent , notwithstanding he vrged her many waies . Tarlton séeing she would not speak , askt his gold againe . Why , quoth shée , haue I made any lye ; no , sayes Tarlton : why then good man foole , I haue won the wager . Tarlton mad with anger , made this Rime . As women in speech can reuile a man ; So can they in silence beguile a man. One askt Tarlton what country man the Diuell was . IN Carter Lane dwelt a merry Cobler , who being in company with Tarlton , askt him what Country-man the Diuell was ; quoth Tarlton , a Spaniard : for Spaniards like the Diuel , trouble the whole world . A Cheese-mongers question to Tarlton . IN time of scarsity , a simple Chéese-monger hearing Tarlton commended for his quick wit came vnto him and asked him , why he thought Chéese and Butter to be so ●●●re ; Tarlton answered , Because Wood and Coales are so ●●●re , for Butter and Chéese a man may eate without a fire . Tarltons answere to a rich Londoner . TArlton méeting a rich Londoner , fell into talke about the Bishop of Peterborough , highly praising his bountie to his seruants , his liberality to strangers , his great hospitality and charity to the poore . He doth well , sayes the rich man , for what he hath , he hath but during his life . Why ( quoth Tarlton ) for how many liues haue you your goods ? How Tarlton gaue away his dinner . AS Tarlton and his wife sate at dinner , his wife being displeased with him , and thinking to crosse him , she gaue away halfe his meat vnto a poore Begger , saying , Take this for my other husbands sake . Whereupon Tarlton tooke all that was left , and likewise bade the poore fellow to pray for his other wiues soule . Tarltons answere to a boy in a Rime . THere was a crackrope Boy , méeting Tarlton in London stréet , sung this Rime vnto Tarlton : Woe worth thee Tarlton , That euer thou wast borne : Thy Wife hath made thee Cuckold , And thou must weare the horne . Tarlton presently answered him in Extemporie . What and if I be ( Boy ) I me ne're the worse : She keepes me like a Gentleman , With mony in my purse . How Tarlton bad himselfe to dinner to my Lord Maiors . A Iest came in Tarltons head where to dine : & thought he , in all that a man does , let him aime at the fairest : for sure if I bid my selfe any where this day , it shall be to my Lords Maiors : and vpon this goes to the Counter , and entered his action against my Lord Maior , who was presently told of it , and sends for him . Tarlton waits dinner time , and then comes , who was admitted presently . Master Tarlton ( saies my Lord Maior ) haue you entered an action against me in the Poultry Counter ? My Lord ( saies Tarlton ) haue you entred an action against mée in Woodstréet Counter ? Not I in troth , saies my Lord. No ( saies Tarlton ) he was a villaine that told me so then : but if it bée not so , forgiue me this fault , my Lord , and I will neuer offend in the next . But in the end he begins to sweare , how he will be reuenged on him that mockt him , and flings out in a rage . But my Lord said , Stay , M. Tarlton , dine with me , and no doubt but after dinner you will be better minded . I will try that , my Lord , saies Tarlton , and if it alter mine anger , both mine enemy and I will thanke you together for this courtesie . Tarltons Iest of a box on the eare . ONe that fell out with his friend , méetes him in the stréet , and calling him into a corner , gaue him a box on the eare , and feld him , getting him gone , and neuer told wherefore he did so : which Tarlton beholding , raised vp the fellow , and asked him the reason of their suddē falling out . Can you tell , Sir , said the fellow ? for by my troth as yet I cannot . Well said Tarlton , the more foole you : for had I such féeling of the cause , my wit would remember the iniurie : but many men are goslings ; the more they féele , the lesse they conceiue . Tarltons Iest to two Tailors . TArlton méeting two Tailors ( friends of his ) in the euening in mirth cries , Who goes there , A man , answered a Tailor : How many is there ? one ? Yea , said Tarlton : two , said the other Tailor : then you say true , said Tarlton : for two Tailors goe to a man. But before they parted , they foxt Tarlton at the Castle in Pater noster Row , that Tarlton confest them two Tailors to be honest men . So what they spent in the purse , they got in the person , Comming but one , by Tarltons account , they returned , two . But Tarlton comming one , returned lesse by his wit ▪ for that was shrunk in the wetting . How Tarlton iested at his wife . TArlton and his wife kéeping an Ordinary in Pater-noster Row , were bidden out to Supper : and because he was a man noted , shée would not goe with him in the stréet , but intreats him to kéepe one side , and she another : which he consented to . But as he went , hée would cry out to her , and say , Turne that way , wife : and anon , On this side , wife . So the people flockt the more to laugh at them . But his wife ( more than mad angry ) goes back againe , and almost forswore his company . How Tarlton committed a Rakers horse to ward . WHen Tarlton dwelt in Gracious street , at a Tauern at the signe of the Saba , he was chosen Scauenger , and often the Ward complained of his slacknesse , in kéeping the stréets cleane . So on a time when the Cart came , he asked the Raker why he did his businesse so slackly ? Sir ( said he ) my fore-horse was in the fault , who being let bloud and drencht yesterday , I durst not labour him . Sir ( said Tarlton ) your horse shall smart for it : and so leads him to the Counter : which the Raker laught at , and ( without his horse ) did his worke with the rest , thinking Tarltons humour was but to iest , and would returne him his horse againe anon . But when that anon came , hée was faine to pay all his fées of the Prison , as directly as if hee himselfe had béene there . For if Tarlton had committed the Master , the businesse had not gone forward : therefore the horse was in prison for the Master . How Tarlton made Armin his adopted sonne to succeed him . TArlton kéeping a Tauerne in Gracious-street , hee let it to another , who was indebted to Armins Master , a Goldsmith in Lombard-street , yet he himselfe had a chamber in the same house . And this Armin ( being then a wag ) came often thither to demand his Masters money , which he sometimes had , and sometimes had not . In the end the man growing poore , told the boy hée had no money for his Master , and hée must beare with him . The mans name being Charles Armin , made this Uerse , writing it with Chalke on a Waine-scot . O world , why wilt thou lye ? Is this Charles the great ? that I deny . Indeed Charles the great before : But now Charles the lesse , being poore . Tarlton comming into the roome , reading it , and partly acquainted with the boyes humour , comming often thither for his Masters money , tooke a péece of Chalk , and wrote this Ryme by it : A wagge thou art , none can preuent thee ; And thy desert shall content thee , Let me diuine : As I am , so in time thou 'lt be the same , My adopted sonne therefore be , To enioy my Clownes sute after me . And sée how it fell out . The boy reading this , so loued Tarlton after , that regarding him with more respect , hée vsed to his Playes , and fell in a league with his humour : and priuate practice brought him to present playing , and at this houre performes the same , where , at the Globe on the Banks side men may sée him . Tarltons greeting with Banks his Horse . THere was one Banks ( in the time of Tarlton ) who serued the Earle of Essex and had a Horse of strange qualities : and being at the Crosse-keyes in Gracious-street , getting mony with him , as he was mightily resorted to ; Tarlton then ( with his fellowes ) playing at the Bell by , came into the Crosse-keyes ( amongst many people ( to sée fashions : which Banks perceiuing ( to make the people laugh ) saies Signior ( to his horse ) Go fetch me the veryest foole in the company . The Iade comes immediately , and with his mouth drawes Tarlton forth . Tarlton ( with merry words ) said nothing but God a mercy Horse . In the end Tarlton séeing the people laugh so , was angry inwardly , & said , Sir , had I power of your horse , as you haue , I would doe more than that . What ere it be , said Banks ( to please him ) I will charge him to do it . Then ( saies Tarlton ) charge him to bring me the veriest whore-master in this company . He shall ( saies Bankes , ) Signior ( saies he ) bring Master Tarlton here the veriest whore-master in the company . The Horse leades his Master to him . Then god a mercy horse indeed , saies Tarlton . The people had much ado to kéep peace ; but Bankes and Tarlton had like to haue squar'd and the horse by to giue aime . But euer after it was a by-word thorow London , God a mercy Horse , and is to this day . An excellent Iest of Tarlton suddenly spoken . AT the Bull at Bishops-gate was a Play of Henry the fift , wherein the Iudge was to take a box on the eare , and because he was absent that should take the blow , Tarlton himselfe ( euer forward to please ) tooke vpon him to play the same Iudge , besides his owne part of the Clowne : and Knel then playing Henry the fift , hit Tarlton a sound boxe indeed , which made the people laugh the more because it was he : but anon the Iudge goes in , and immediately Tarlton ( in his Clownes cloathes ) comes out , and askes the Actors what newes ; O ( saith one ) hadst thou béen here , thou shouldest haue séene Prince Henry hit the Iudge a terrible box on the eare . What man , said Tarlton strike a Iudge ? It is true yfaith , said the other , No other like , said Tarlton , and it could not be but terrible to the Iudge , when the report so terrifies me , that me thinkes the blow remaines still on my chéeke , that it burnes againe , The people laught at this mightily : and to this day I haue heard it commended for rare , but no maruell , for he had many of these : But I would sée our Clowns in these dayes doe the like : no I warrant ye , and yet they thinke well of themselues too . Tarltons Iest with a Boy in the street . A Wag-halter Boy met Tarlton in the stréet , and said , Master Tarlton , who liues longest ? Mary Boy , saies Tarlton , he that dies latest : and why dye men so fast , said the Boy ? Because they want breath , said Tarlton : no , rather said the Boy , because their time is come : thē thy time is come , said Tarlton , sée who comes yonder : Who ? said the Boy ? Mary , said Tarlton , Bull the Hangman : or one that would willingly be thy hangman : Nay , hang me thē , if I imploy him at this time , said the Boy . Well , said Tarlton , then thou wilt be hanged by thy owne confession : and so they parted . A Iest of Tarlton , prouing Mustard to haue wit. TArlton kéeping an Ordinary in Paternoster row and sitting with Gentlemen to make them merry , would approue Mustard ( standing before them ) to haue wit : how so saies one ? It is like a witty scold , méeting another scold , knowing that scold will scold , begins to scold first : so saies he , the Mustard being lickt vp , and knowing that you will bite it , begins to bite you first . I le try that , saies a Gull by , and the Mustard so tickled him , that his eyes watered . How now , saies Tarlton , does my iest sauour ? I saies the Gull , and bite too : if you had had better wit , saies Tarlton , you would haue bit first : so then conclude with me , that dumbe vnféeling . Mustard hath more wit than a talking vnféeling foole , as you are . Some were pleased , and some were not , but all Tarltons care was taken ( for his resolution was euer ) before he talkt any Iest. How Tarlton tooke Tobacco at the first comming up of it . TArlton ( as other Gentlemen vsed ) at the first comming vp of Tobacco , did take it more for fashions sake then otherwise , and being in a roome , set betwéen two men ouercome with Wine , and they neuer séeing the like , wondred at it ; and séeing the vapour come out of Tarltons nose cryed out , Fire , fire , and threw a cup of wine in Tarltons face , Make no more stirre , quoth Tarlton , the fire is quenched : if the Sheriffes come , it will turne to a fine , as the custome is . And drinking that againe , Fie , sayes the other , what a stinke it makes ? I am almost poysoned . If it offend , saies Tarlton , let 's euery one take a little of the smell , and so the sauour will quickly goe : but Tobacco whiffes made them leaue him to pay all . Tarltons pretty Countrey Iests . Tarltons wit betweene a Bird and a Wood-cock . IN the City of Glocester , M. Bird of the Chappell met with Tarlton , who ioyfull to regréet other , went to visit his friends : amongst the rest , M. Bird of the Quéenes Chappell , visited M. Wood-cock of the Colledge , where méeting , many friendly spéeches past , amongst which , M. Wood-cock challenged M. Bird of Kin : who mused that hee was of his affinity , and hee neuer knew it . Yes sayes M. Wood-cock , euery Wood-cock is a Bird , therefore it must needs be so . Lord Sir , sayes Tarlton , you are wide , for though euery Wood-cock be a Bird , yet euery Bird is not a Wood-cock . So Master Wood-cock like a Wood-cock bit his lip , and mumbudget was silent . Tarltons Iest of a Gridiron . WHile the Quéenes Players lay in Worcester City to get money , it was his custome for to sing extempore of Theames giuen him : amongst which they were appointed to play the next day : now one fellow of the City amongst the rest , that séemed quaint of conceit , to lead other youths with his fine wit , gaue out , that the next day hee would giue him a Theam , to put him to a non plus : diuers of his friends acquainted with the same , expected some rare conceit . Well , the next day came , and my Gallant gaue him his inuention in two lines , which was this : Me thinkes it is a thing vnfit , To see a Gridiron turne the Spit . The people laughed at this , thinking his wit knew no answere thereunto , which angred Tarlton excéedingly , and presently with a smile looking about , when they expected wonders , he put it off thus . Me thinkes it is a thing vnfit : To see an Asse haue any wit. The people hooted for ioy , to sée the Theame-giuer dasht , who like a dog with his taile betwéene his legs , left the place : But such commendations Tarlton got , that hée sapt with the Bailiffe that night , where my Theamer durst not come , although he were sent for , so much he vexed at that vnlookt for answer . Tarltons answer in defence of his flat nose . I Remember I was once at a play in the Country , where as Tarltons vse was , the play being done , euery one so pleased to throw vp his Theame : amongst all the rest , one was read to this effect , word by word : Tarlton , I am one of thy friends , and none of thy foes . Then I prethee tell how cam'st by thy flat nose : Had I beene present at that time on those banks , I would haue laid my short sword ouer his long shankes Tarlton , mad at this question , as it was his property , sooner to take such a matter ill then well , very suddenly returned him this answere : Friend or foe , if thou wilt needs know , marke me well , With parting dogs & bears , then by the ears , this chance fell : But what of that ? though my nose be flat , my credit to saue , Yet very well , I can by the smell , scent an honest man from a Knave . Tarltons Iest of a Bristow man. WHen the Quéenes Players were restrained in Summer , they trauelled downe to S. Iames his Faire , at Bristow , where they were worthily entertained both of Londoners , and those Citizens : It hapned that a wealthy Citizen , called M. Sunbanke , one morning secretly married his maid ; but not so secret , but it was blowne abroad ▪ That morning Tarlton and others walking in the Faire to visit his familiar friends of London , & béeing in company of Bristow men , they did sée M. Sunbanke comming , who had his property with his necke , not to stirre it any way but to turne body and all . It chanced at the Faire end , hée stood to pisse against a wall : to whome Tarlton came , and clapping him on the shoulder , God giue you joy of your marriage , saies he , M. Sunbanke , being taken pissing against the wall would haue looked back to thank him , and suddenly turnes about body and all in the view of many , and shewed all : which so abasht him that ( ashamed ) hée tooke into a Tauerne , protesting that he had rather haue spent ten pound . Sure ( said the Uintner ) the fault is in your necke , which will not turn without the bodies assistance , and not in M. Tarlton . Call you him M. Tarlton , saies M. Sunbanke ? Yea , Sir , sayes the Uintner , he is the Quéenes Iester . He may be whose Iester hée will bée , but this iest agrées not with me at this time , saies M. Sunbanke . A Iest broke of Tarlton by a Country Gentleman . IN the country where the Quéens Plaiers were accepted into a Gentlemans house , the waggon vnlading of the apparell , the wagoner comes to Tarlton , and doth desire him to speake to the Steward for his horses . I will , saies he : and comming to the Steward , Sir , saies Tarlton , where shall our horses spend the time ? The Gentleman looking at Tarlton at that question suddenly answered , If it please you , or them , let them walke a turne or two , or there is a faire garden , let them play a game or two at bowles in the Alley : and departs thence about his other businesse . Tarlton commending the sudden wit of the Steward , saith little . But my Steward not quiet , tels to the Gentlewomen aboue , how he had driuen Tarlton to a non plus with a iest , whereat they all did laugh heartily : which a Seruingman louing Tarlton well , ran and told him as much . Tarlton , to adde fuell to the fire , and loth to rest thus put off with a iest , goes and gets two of the horses into the garden , & turnes them into the bowling Alley , who with their héeles made hauock : being the Gentlemans only pastime . The Ladies aboue from a window , seeing horses in the Garden Alley ▪ call the Knight , who cries out to Tarlton , Fellow , what meanest thou ? Nothing Sir , sayes he , but two of my horses are at seuen vp , for a peck of Prouender , a foolish match that I made . Now they being in play at bowles run , run ▪ your Steward may come after and cry rub , rub : at which though they smiled , yet the Steward had no thankes for his labour , to set the horses to such an exercise , and they could not blame Tarlton , who did but as he was hidden . But by this Iest , oates and hay , stable roome , and all , was plenty . How Tarlton made one of his company utterly forsweare drunkennesse . AT Salisbury , Tarlton and his fellowes were to play before the Maior & his brethren : but one of his company ( a young man ) was so drunke , that he could not : whereat Tarlton , as mad angry , as he was mad drunk , claps me on his legs a huge paire of bolts . The fellow dead asléepe , felt nothing . When all was done , they conueyed him to the Iaile on a mans back , and intreated the Iailer to doe God good seruice , and let him lye there till he waked . While they were about their sport the fellow waked , & finding himselfe in durance , and the Iaile hung round with bolts & shackles , he began to blesse himselfe , & thought sure in his drunkennesse hee had done some mischiefe . With that hee called to know , but none came to him : then hée thought verily his fault was capitall , and that hée was close prisoner . By and by comes the Kéeper , and moaned him , that one so young should come to so shamefull a death as hanging . Anon another comes , and another with the like , which further put him in a puzzle . But at last comes Tarlton , and others , intreating the Kéeper , yet if it might bee , that they might sée their fellowere they went. But hée very hardly was intreated . But at length the poore drunken Signior cald out for them . In they come . Oh Tom , sayes Tarlton , hard was thy hap , in drunkennesse to murder this honest man , & our hard hap too , to haue it reported , any of our company is hang'd for it . O God , O God , saies the fellow , is my fault so great ? then commend mée to all my friends . Well short tale to make , the fellow forswore drunkennesse , if hée could escape , and by as cunning a wile ( to his thinking ) they got him out of prison by an escape , and sent him to London before , who was not a little glad to be gone . But sée how this iest wrought : by little & little the fellow left his excessiue drinking , and in time altered his desire of drunkennesse . How Tarlton saued his head from cutting off . TArlton vpon a time being in the Country , and lodging in an homely Inne , during which time there was a Gentleman dwelling in the same towne , somewhat franticke and distraught of his wits : which mad-man on a sudden rusht into Tarltons bed-chamber , with his sword drawne , and finding him there in bed , would haue slaine him : saying , Uillaine , were it not valiantly done to strike off thy knaues head at one blow ? Tarlton answered . Tut , Sir , that 's nothing with your Worship to doe : you can as easily strike off two heads at one blow , as one : wherefore , if you please , I le goe downe and call vp another , and so you may strike off both our heads at once . The mad man beléeued him , and so let him slip away . How Tarlton escaped imprisonment . TArlton hauing béen dominéering very late one night , with two of his friends , and comming homewards along Cheape-side , the watch being then set , M. Constable asked , Who goes there ? Thrée merry men , quoth Tarlton . That is not sufficient . What are you , qd . M. Constable ? Why , saies Tarlton , one of vs is an eye-maker , and the other a light-maker . What saiest thou , knaue , doest mocke mée ? the one is an eye-maker , the other a light-maker , which two properties belong vnto God only : commit these blasphemers , quoth the constable . Nay , I pray you good M. Constable , be good in your Office , I will approue what I haue said , to be true qd . Tarlton . If thou canst saies the Constable , you shall passe , otherwise you shall be all thrée punished . Why ( qd . Tarlton ) this fellow is an ey-maker , because a Spectacle-maker ; and this other a maker of light , because a Chādler , that makes your darkest night as light as your Lanthorn . The Constable séeing them so pleasant , was well contented . The rest of the watchmen laughed : & Tarlton with his two companions went home quietly . How Tarlton deceived a Country Wench . THe Quéens players trauelling into the west Country to play , and lodging in a little Uillage , some ten miles from Bristow , in which village dwelt a pretty nut-browne Lasse , to whome Tarlton made proffer of marriage , protested , that he came from London purposely to marry her . The simple maid being proud to bée beloued by such a one whom she knew to bée the Quéenes man , without more intreatie , yéelded : and being both at the Church together , and M. Parson ready to performe his duty , and comming to the words of , I Richard take thée Ioane : nay , stay good Master Parson , I will go and call my fellowes , and come to you again : so going out of the Church in haste , he returned at leasure ; for , hauing his horse ready saddled , he rode toward Bristow , and by the way told his fellowes of his successe with his Wench . How Tarlton went to kill Crowes . IT chanced vpon a time , as Tarlton went foorth with a Birding péece into the fields to kill Crowes , hee spied a Daw sitting in a trée , at which he meant to shoot ; but at the same instant , there came one by , to whome hée spake in this manner : Sir quoth he , yonder I sée a Daw , which I will shoot at if she sit . If she sit , said the other , then she is a Daw indéed : but , quoth Tarlton , if shee sit not , what is she then ? Marry , quoth the other , a Daw also : at which words she immediately flew away : whereupon , Tarlton spake merrily in a Rime , as followeth : Whether a Daw sit , or whether a Daw fly , Whether a Daw stand , or whether a Daw lye , Whether a Daw creepe , or whether a Daw cry , In what case soever a Daw persever , A Daw is a Daw , and a Daw shall be ever . How a poore Begger-man ouer-reached Tarlton by his wit. AS Tarlton vpon a day sate at his owne doore , to him came a poore old man & begged a peny for the Lords sake : whereupon Tarlton hauing no single money about him , askt the begger what mony he had ? No more mony , Master , but one single peny . Tarlton , being merrily disposed called for his peny , and hauing receiued it , gaue it to his Boy to fetch a pot of Ale : whereat the begger grew blanke , and began to gather vp his wits , how to get it again : the pot of Ale , for the beggers peny , being brought , he proffered to drinke to the Begger . Nay , stay awhile Master , quoth the Begger , the vse is , where I was borne , that hee that payes for the drink , must drink first . Thou saist well , quoth Tarlton ; goe to , Drink to me then . Wherevpon the begger tooke the Pot , saying , Here , Master , I drink to you , ( & therewithall dranke off euery drop . ) Now Master , if you will pledge me , send for it as I haue done . Tarlton séeing himselfe so ouer-reacht , greatly commended the Beggers wit , and withall in recompence thereof , gaue him a Teaster : with that the Begger said , that hée would most truly pray to God for him . No , answered Tarlton , I pray thée pray for thy selfe , for I take no vsury for almes-déeds . Of Tarltons pleasant answer to a Gallant by the high-way side . IT was Tarltons occasion another time to ride into Suffolk , being furnished with a very leane large horse : and by the way , a lusty Gallant met him ; and in mockage asked him , what a yard of his horse was worth ? Marry Sir , quoth Tarlton , I pray you alight , and lift vp my horses Taile , and they in that shop will tell you the price of a yard . How Tarlton would haue drowned his Wife . VPon a time , as Tarlton and his Wife , ( as passengers ) came sailing from Southampton towards London , a mighty storme arose , and endangered the Ship , wherevpon , the Captaine thereof charged euery man to throw into the Seas the heauiest thing hée could best spare , to the end to lighten some-what the Ship. Tarlton , that had his Wife there , offered to throw her ouer-boord : but the company rescued her ; and being asked wherefore he meant so to doe ? he answered , She is the heauiest thing I haue , and I can best spare her . How Tarlton made his Will and Testament . OF late there was a Gentlman liuing in England , that wheresoeuer he dined , would of euery dish conney a modicum thereof into his Gowne sléeue : which Gentleman being vpon a time at dinner at a Gentlemans house in the Country , there he vsed his aforesaid quality , in the company of Master Tarlton , who perceiuing it , said thus vnto the company : My Masters , I am now determined before you all , to make my last Will and Testament : And first , I bequeath my soule to God my Creator , and my body to be buried in the sléeue of yonder Gentlemans Gowne , and with that , stepping to him , he turned vp the Gowne sléeue , whereout , here dropt a bit , and there a bit , with choice of much other good chéere , still shaking it , saying , I meant this sléeue , Gentlman , this sléeue I meant . How Tarlton called a Gentleman knave by craft . WIthin a while after , as the same Gentleman and Tarlton passed thorow a field together , a Crow in a Trée cried Kaw , Kaw , See yonder Tarlton , quoth the Gentleman yonder Crow calleth thée knaue . No , Sir ( he answered ) he beckens to your Worship as the better man. Tarltons Iest of a Country Wench . TArlton going towards Hogsdon , met a country maid comming to market , her Mare stumbling , downe shée fell ouer and ouer , shewing all that euer God sent her , and then rising vp againe , shée turned her round about vnto Master Tarlton , and said , Gods body Sir , Did you euer sée the like before ? No , in good sooth , quoth Tarlton , neuer but once in London . How Tarlton deceived an Inne-holder at Sandwich . VPon a time , when the Plaiers were put to silence , Tarlton & his Boy frollickt so long in the Countrey , that all their money was gone , and béeing a great way from London , they knew not what to doe ; but as want is the whetstone of wit , Tarlton gathered his conceits together , and practised a trick to beare him vp to London without money , and thus it was : Unto an Inne in Sandwich they went , and there lay for two daies at great charge , although he had no money to pay for the same : the third morning he bade his man goe downe , and male-content himself before his host and his hostesse , and mumbling say to himself , Lord , Lord , what a scald Master doe I serue ? this it is to serue such Seminary Priests and Iesuites : now euen as I am an honest Boy , I le leaue him in the lurch , and shift for my selfe : here 's adoe about Penance and Mortification , as though ( forsooth ) Christ hath not dyed enough for all . The Boy mumbled out these his instructions so dissembling , that it strooke a iealously in the Inne-holders heart , that out of doubt his master was a Seminarie Priest ; whereupon , he presently sent for the Constable , and told him all the foresaid matter & so went vp both together to attache Tarlton in his chamber , who purposely had shut himself close in , and betaken him to his knées , & to his crosses , to make the matter séeme more suspitious : which they espying through the key-hole , made no more adoe , but in they rushed , & arrested him for a Seminarie Priest , discharged his score , bore his , & his boyes charges vp to London , and there in hope to haue rich rewards , presented him to M. Fleetwood , the old Recorder of London : but now marke the Iest ; when the Recorder saw Tarlton , and knew him passing well , entertained him very courteously , and all to befool'd the Inne-holder , & his mate , and sent them away whith fleas in their eares : but when Tarlton sawe himselfe discharged out of their hand he stood iesting and pointing at their folly , and so taught them by cunning , more wit and thrift against another time . Of Tarltons Wrongfull accusation . VPon a time Tarlton was wrongfully accused for getting of a Gentlemans Maid with child and for the same , brought before a Iustice in Kent , which Iustice said as followeth : It is a mervalle ( M. Tarlton ) that you being a Gentleman of good qualitie , and one of her Maiesties servants , would venture thus to get Maides with childe . Nay rather ( quoth Tarlton ) were it maruell , if a maid had gotten me with child . Tarlton deceived by a Country wench . TArlton trauelling to play abroad , was in a Towne where in the Inne was a pretty maid , whose fauour was placed in a corner of Tarltons affection : and talking with her , shée appoynted to méet him at the bottom of a paire of staires . Night and the houre came , and the maid subtilly sent downe her Mistresse : whome Tarlton catching in his armes , Art come , wench , saies hée ? Out alas , sayes the Mistres , not knowing who it was . Tarlton hearing it was the Mistres , start aside , and the maid came downe with a candle , and shée espyde a glimpse of Tarlton in the darke , who stept into another roome . How now , Mistres , said the maid ? Something ( said shée ) affrighted me , some man sure , for I heard him speake . No , no , Mistresse , said the Maid , it is no man , it was a Bull calf that I shut into a roome , till Iohn our Pounder came to haue pounded him for a stray . Had I thought that ( saith she ) I would haue bit him such a knocke on his forehead , that his hornes should never have grac'd his Coxcombe , and so she departs vp againe afra●id . But how Tarlton tooke this iest , think you . How Tarlton could not abide a Cat , and deceiued himselfe . IN the Country Tarlton told his Oastesse he was a Coniurer . O sir ( sayes she ) I had pewter stolne off my shelfe the other day , help me to it , and I will forgiue you all the pots of Ale you owe mee , which is sixteene dozen . Sayes Tarlton , To morrow morning the Diuell shall helpe you to it , or I will trounce him . Morning came , and the Oastesse and he met in a roome by themselues . Tarlton , to passe the time with exercise of his wit , with Circles and tricks falls to coniure , hauing no more skill then a dogge . But sée the iest , how contrarily it fell out : as he was calling out , mons , pons , simul & fons , and such like , a Cat ( vnexpected ) leapt from the gutter window , which sight so amazed Tarlton , that he skipt thence , & threw his Hostesse downe , so that he departed with his fellowes , and left her hip out of ioynt , being then in the Surgeons hands , and not daring to tell how it came . How Tarlton and his Oastesse of Waltham met . TArlton riding with divers Citizens his friends , to make merry at Waltham , by the way he met with his Oastesse riding toward London , whome hée of old acquaintance saluted . Shée demands whither they went ? Tarlton told her , to make merry at Waltham . Sir ( saies she ) then let me request your company at my house at the Christopher , and ( for old familiarity ) spend your money there . Not vnlesse you goe backe ( saies Tarlton ) we will else goe to the Hound . But she ( loth to lose their custome ) sent to London by her man , & goes back with them , who by the way had much mirth , for she was an excéeding merry honest womā , yet would take any thing : which Tarlton hearing , as wise as he was ( thinking her of his minde ) he was deceiued : yet he askt her if the biggest bed in her house were able to hold two of their bignesse ( meaning himself & her ? ) Yes ( saies she ) and tumble vp and downe at pleasure . Yea , one vpon another , saies Tarlton ? And vnder too , saies she . Well , to haue their custome , she agreed to euery thing , like a subtill Oastesse : and it fell so out that Tarlton hauing her in a roome at her house , askt her which of those two beds were big enough for them two ? This , said she : therefore goe to bed sweet-heart , I le come to thee . Masse ( saies Tarlton ) were my Bootes off , I would indeed . I 'le help you , Sir ( saies she ) if you please . Yea ( thought Tarlton ) is the wind in that doore ? come on then . And she very diligently begins to pull , till one boot was half off . Now ( saies she ) this being hard to doe , let me try my cunning on the other , and so get off both . But hauing both half off his legs , she left him alone in the Shoomakers stocks , and got her to London , where Tarlton , was three houres , and had no help . But being eas'd of his paine , he made this Ryme for a Theame , singing of it all the way to London : Women are Wanton , and hold it no sinne , By tricks and devices to pull a man in . Tarltons meeting with his Countrey acquaintance at Ilford . ON a Sunday , Tarlton rode to Ilford , where his father kept : and dining with him at his Sisters , there came in diuers of the Countrey to see him , amongst whom was one plaine Countrey plough-iogger , who said hee was of Tarltons kin , & so called him cousin . But Tarlton demanded of his father if it were so ? but he knew no such matter ; whereupon saies Tarlton , whether he be of my kin or no , I will be cousin to him ere we part , if all the drinke in Ilford will doe it . So vpon this they caroused fréely , & the Clowne was then in his Cue so that ( in briefe ) they were both in soundly . Night came & Tarlton would not let his cousin goe , but they would lye together that night , meaning to drinke at their departure next morning . Tarlton would by wit leaue him in the lash , since power would not . But sée the jest : That night the plaine fellow so pist Tarlton in his bed , thinking he had béen against the Church wal , that he was faine to cry for a fresh shirt to shift him ▪ So when al was well , they must néeds drinke at parting : where indéed ( to seale kindred soundly ) the fellow h●d his loade : for hearing that his cousin Tarlton , was gone to London , zounds he would follow , that he would , none could hold him : and meaning to goe towards London , his aime was so good , that he went towards Rumford to sell his Hogs . How a Maid drave Tarlton to a Non-plus . TArlton méeting with a wily Country wench , who gaue him quip for quip ; Swéet heart ( said hée ) would my flesh were in thine . So would I , Sir ( saies shee ) I would your nose were in my , I know where . Tarlton angred at this , said no more ; but goes forward . Tarltons answere to a question . ONe asked Tarltō why Munday was called Sundaies fellow ? Because he is a sausie fellow ( saies Tarlton ) to compare with that holy day . But if may be , Munday thinkes himselfe Sundayes fellow , because it followes Sunday , and is next after : but he comes a day after the Faire for that . Nay ( saies the fellow ) but if two Sundayes fall together , Munday then may be the first , and it would shew well too . Yes ( saies Tarlton ) but if thy nose stood vnder thy mouth , it would shew better , and be more for thy profit . How for my profit , said the fellow ? Marry ( said Tarlton ) neuer to be cold in winter , being so néere euery dogs taile . The fellow séeing a foolish question had a foolish answere , laid his legges on his neck , and got him gone . Tarltons desire of enough for money . TArlton comming into a Market towne bought Oates for his horse , and desired enough for money : the man said . You shall , Sir and gaue him two halfe pecks for one . Tarlton thought his Horse should that night fare largely , and comes to him with this Rime : Iack Nag , he brag , and lustie braue it , I have enough for mony , and thou shalt have it . But when Iack Nag smelt to them , they were so musty , that he would none ( God thanke you , Master ) which Tarlton séeing , runnes into the Market , and would slash and cut . But til the next Market day the fellow was not to be found , and before then Tarlton must be gone . How Tarltons Dogge lickt vp six pence . TArlton in his Trauaile had a Dogge of fine qualities , amongst the rest , he would carry six pence in the end of his tongue , of which he would brag often , and say , Never was the like . Yes , saies a Lady , mine is more strange , for he will beare a French crowne in his mouth : no , saies Tarlton , I thinke not : lend me a French crowne , saies the Lady , and you shall sée : truly Madame , I haue it not but if your dog will carry a crackt English crowne , here if is but the Lady perceiued not the iest , but was desirous to see the dogs trick of six pence . Tarlton threw down a teaster , and said , Bring Sirra : and by fortune the Dog took vp a Counter , and let the money lie : a Gentlewoman by , séeing that , askt him how long he would hold it ? An houre , saies Tarltō : that is pretty , said the Gentlewoman , let 's sée that : meane time she tooke vp the sixe pence , and willed him to let them sée the money againe : when he did sée it , it was a Counter , and he made this Rime . Alas , alas , how came all this to passe ? The worlds worse then it was : For silver turns to brasse . I , sayes the Lady , & the dog hath made his master an Asse : but Tarlton would never trust to his Dogs tricks more . Tarltons Iest of a Horse and a Man. IN the City of Norwich , Tarlton was on a time inuited to an hunting : where there was a goodly Gentlewoman , that brauely mounted on a blacke horse , rode excéeding well , to the wonder of all the beholders , and neither hedge nor ditch stood in her way , but Pegasus her horse ( for so may we tearme him for swiftnesse ) flew ouer all , and she sate him aswell . When euery one returned home , some at Supper commended his Hound , others his Hawke , and shée aboue all , her Horse : and , said she , I loue no liuing creature so well ( at this instant ) as my gallant horse : yes Lady , a man better , saies Tarlton . Indéed no , said shée , not now : For since my last husband dyed , I hate them most , vnlesse you can giue me medicines to make me loue them . Tarlton made this iest instantly : Why , a Horse mingeth Whay , Madam , a Man mingeth Amber , A Horse is for your Way , Madam , but a man for your Chamber . God a mercy , Tarlton , said the men : which the Gentlewoman noting , séeing they tooke exceptions at her words , to make all well , answered thus : That a Horse is my chiefe opinion now , I deny not , And when a man doth me more good in my chamber , I him defie not . But till then give me leaue to loue something : then something will please you , said Tarlton , I am glad of that , therefore I pray God send you a good thing , or none at all . Tarltons talke with a pretty Woman . GEntlewoman , said Tarlton , and the rest as you sit , I can tell you strange things : now many Gallants at Supper noted one woman , who being little and pretty , to vnfit her prettinesse , had a great wide mouth , which she séeming to hide , would pinch in her spéeches , and speake small , but was desirous to heare newes . Tarlton told at his comming from London to Norwich , a Proclamation was made that euery man should haue two wiues . now Iesus , qd . she is it possible ? I Gentlewoman , and other wise able too , for contrarily women haue a larger préeminence , for euery woman must haue thrée husbands : Now Iawsus , said the Gentlewoman , and with wonder shewes the full widenesse of her mouth , which all the table smil'd at : which she perceiuing , would answere no more . Now Mistris , said , Tarlton , your mouth is lesse then euer it was , for now it is able to say nothing . Thou art a cogging Knaue , said she . Masse , and that is somthing yet , said Tarlton , your mouth shall be as wide as euer it was , for that Iest. A Iest of Tarlton to a great man. THere was a great huge man , 3. yards in the wast , at S. Edmondsbury in Suffolk , that died but of late daies ( one M. Blague by name ) & a good kinde Iustice too , carefull for the poore , this Iustice met with Tarlton in Norwich : Tarlton , said he , Giue me thy hand : But , you Sir , being richer , may giue me a greater gift , giue me your body : and imbracing him , could not halfe compasse him : being merry in talke , said the Iustice : Tarlton , tell me one thing , what is the difference betwixt a Flea and a Louse ? Marry , Sir ; said Tarlton , as much and like difference , as twixt you and me : I like a Flea sée else ) can skip nimbly : But you , like a fat Louse créepe slowly , and you can go no faster , though Butchers are ouer you , ready to knock you on the head . Thou art a knaue , quoth the Iustice. I , Sir , I knew that ere I came hither , else I had not béen here now , for euer one knave ( making a stop ) séekes out another . The Iustice vnderstanding him ▪ laughed heartily . Tarltons Iest to a maid in the darke . TArlton going in the darke , groping out his way , heares the tread of some one to méet him . Who goes there , saies he ? A man , or a monster ? said the maid , A monster : said Tarlton , A candle hoe : and séeing who it was , Indéed said he , A monster , I le be sworne : for thy téeth are longer then thy heard , O Sir , said the maid , speake no more then you see , for women goe inuisible now adayes . Tarltons Iest to a Dogge . TArlton and his fellows , being in the Bishop of Worcesters Seller , and being largely laid to , Tarlton had his rouse , and going through the streets , a Dogge ( in the middle of the street , asleep , on a dunghill ) seeing Tarlton reele on him , on the suddaine barkt , How now Dog , saies Tarlton , are you in your humors ? and many daies after it was a by-word to a man being drunke , that he was in his humors . FINIS . 
A13520	----	Wit and mirth chargeably collected out of tauernes, ordinaries, innes, bowling greenes, and allyes, alehouses, tobacco shops, highwaies, and water-passages : made vp, and fashioned into clinches, bulls, quirkes, yerkes, quips, and ierkes : apothegmatically bundled vp and garbled at the request of old Iohn Garrets ghost / by Iohn Taylor, water-poet. Taylor, John, 1580-1653. 1628 Approx. 83 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 41 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2003-01 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A13520 STC 23813.7 ESTC S3387 33143398 ocm 33143398 28446 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A13520) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 28446) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1475-1640 ; 1884:6) Wit and mirth chargeably collected out of tauernes, ordinaries, innes, bowling greenes, and allyes, alehouses, tobacco shops, highwaies, and water-passages : made vp, and fashioned into clinches, bulls, quirkes, yerkes, quips, and ierkes : apothegmatically bundled vp and garbled at the request of old Iohn Garrets ghost / by Iohn Taylor, water-poet. Taylor, John, 1580-1653. [48] p. For Henrie Gosson, and are to sold at Christ-Church gate, Printed at London : 1628. Signatures: A-C⁸. Reproduction of original in: Harvard University. Library. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. 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Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng English wit and humor. 2000-00 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2001-07 Apex CoVantage Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2001-08 TCP Staff (Michigan) Sampled and proofread 2001-10 TCP Staff (Michigan) Text and markup reviewed and edited 2001-11 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion Wit and Mirth , Chargeably collected out of Tauernes , Ordinaries , Innes , Bowling Greenes , and Allyes , Alehouses , Tobacco shops , Highwaies , and Water-passages . Made vp , and fashioned into Clinches , Bulls , Quirkes , Yerkes , Quips , and Ierkes . Apothegmatically bundled vp and garbled at the request of old Iohn Garrets Ghost . By Iohn Taylor , Water-Poet . Printed at London for Henrie Gosson , and are to be sold at Christ-Church gate . 1628. TO THE TRVLY Loyall hearted , learned , well-accomplished Gentleman , Mr. Archibald Rankin . SIR , BEeing inioyned by the Ghost or Genius of old Iohn Garret , ( a man well known and beloued ) to collect , gleane , or gather , a bundle or trusse of Mirth , and for his sake to bestrow the stage of the melancholly world with it ; and withall to present it to some one generous spirit , who was old Iohns friend ; I thought vpon many to whom I might haue made my Dedication , who were both Royall , Honorable , Worshipfull , and all wel-affected towards him : As to mention one for all , that 〈◊〉 of the world , & richest Iem of her sex , that Magazine of the two inestimable Iewels , Patience and Fortitude ; to that illustrious peerelesse Princesse I might haue recommended it , to whose seruice , and for whose happinesse , his life and best endeauours , with his prayers and implorations at his death , were vnfainedly consecrated . But my manners conceiuing the subiect of this Booke , of altogether to triuiall a nature to be sheltred vnder the shadow of the wings of transcendent and admired Maiestie ; I stept so many steps down the staires with my inuention , where by good fortune I met with you , whom I knew did loue that old honest mirrour of mirth , deceased ; and whom the world better knows , are a true deuoted friend to honest harmelesse mirth ; and laudable recreation . I therefore entreat you , that ( when your more serious affaires will permit ) you would bestow the looking vpon these my poore and beggarly wardrobe of witty lefts , whom I dare not call Apothegmes . And because I had many of them by relation and heare-say , I am in doubt that some of them may bee in print in some other Authors , which I doe assure you is more then I doe know ; which if it bee so , I pray you but to conniue or tollerate , and let the Authors make twice as bold with me at any time . Thus wishing euery one to mende one , whereby the rent and torne garments of Threed-bare Time may be well and merrily patched and repaired , crauing your pardon , with my best wishes , I remaine Yours euer in the best of my best 〈◊〉 . IOHN TAYLOR . IOHN GARRETS GHOST . THE doores and windowes of the Heauens were barr'd , And Nights blacke Curtaine , like an Ebon Robe , From Earth did all Celestiall light discard , And in sad darknesse clad the ample Globe ; Dead midnight came , the Cats'gan catterwaule , The time when Ghosts and Goblins walke about ; Bats flye , Owles shrick , & dismall Dogs do bawle , Whiles conscience cleare securely sleepes it out . At such a time I sleeping in my bed , A vision strange appear'd vnto my sight , Amazement all my senses ouer spread , And fill'd me full with terrour and afright . A merry graue aspect me thought he had , And one he seem'd that I had often seene : Yet was he in such vncouth shape y clad , That what he was I could not wistly weene . His cloake was Sack , but not the Sacke of 〈◊〉 , Canara , Mallago , or sprightfull Shery , But made of Sack-cloth , such as beares the graine , Good salt , & coles , which makes the Potters weary Lac'd round about with platted wheaten straw , For which he nothing to the Silkeman owed : A wearing neuer mention'd in the Law , And yet far off , like good gold lace it show'd . Lin'd was his mantle with good Essex plush , Pyde Calues skins , or Veale sattin , which you wil : It neuer was worne threedbare with a brush , I ( naturally ) sau'd the labour still . A hat like Grantham steeple , for the crowne Or Piramide was large in altitude : With frugall brim , whereby he still was knowne From other men amongst a multitude , A Princes shooe , he for a iewel wore , Two ribbonds , and a feather in his beauer , Which shape me thought I oft had seene before , Yet out of knowledge where , as 't had bin neuer . He in his hand a flaming torch did hold , ( And as hee neerer did approach to me ) My hayre 'gan stand on end , feare struck me cold , Feare not , I am Iohn Garrets ghost , quoth he . I come to rowze thy dull and lazy Muse From idlenesse , from Lethe's hatefull lake : And therefore stand vpon no vaine excuse , But rise , and to thy tooles thy selfe betake . Remember me , althongh my carkasse rot , Write of me , to me , call me Foole or Iester , But yet I pray thee ( Taylor ) ranke me not , Among those knaues that doe the world bepester , Thou wrot'st of Great Otoole and Coriat , Of braue Sir Thomas Parsons , Knight o' th Sun , And Archy hath thy verse to glory at , And yet for me thou nought hast euer done . Write that in Ireland , I in Mars his trayne , Long time did vnder noble Norris serue : Where ( as I could ) I stood gainst Pope and Spain , Whilst some were slain , & some w th want did starue Where shot , & wounds , & knocks , I gaue and took Vntill at last halfe maimed as I was , A man decrepit , I those warres forsooke And ( with my Passe ) did to my Country passe . Where getting health , I then shooke hands with death , And to the Court I often made resort . Where Englands mighty Queene Elizabeth Allow'd me entertainment for disport . Then by the foretop did I take old time : Then were not halfe so many fooles as now , Then was my 〈◊〉 , and my onely prime , My purse receiuing what my wit did plow. Then in such compasse I my iests would hold , That though I gaue a man a gird or twaine : All his reuenge would be to giue me gold , With commendations of my nimble braine . Thus liu'd I till that gracious Queene deceast , Who was succeeded by a famous King : In whose blest Sons reigne ( I with yeares opprest ) Me to my graue , sicknesse and death did bring . And now ( kind Iacke ) thou seest my ayrie forme Hath shaken off her Iayle of flesh and bone , Whilst they remaine the feast of many a worme . My better part doth visit thee alone . And as betweene vs still , our good requests , Thou neuer me . I neuer thee denyd : So for my sake collect some merry Iests , Whereby sad time may be with mirth 〈◊〉 . And when t is written find some good man forth , One ( as thou thinkst ) was when I liu'd my friend : And though thy lines may be but little worth , Yet vnto him my duty recommend , So farewell 〈◊〉 , dame Luna 'gins to rise , The twinkling stars begin to borrow light : Remember this my suit I thee aduise , And so once more good honest Iacke goodnight . With that more swifter then a shaft from bow , He cut and curried through the empty ayre , Whilst I amaz'd with feare , as cold as snow , Straight felt my spirits quickly to repayre . And though I found it but a dreame indeed , Yet for his sake of whom I dreamed then , I left my bed , and cloath'd my selfe with speed , And presently betooke me to my pen : Cleare was the morne , and Phoebus lent me light , And ( as it followeth ) I began to write . VVit and Mirth . ( 1 ) MY selfe caried an olde fellow by water , that had wealth enough to be Deputy of the Ward , and wit sufficient for a Scauenger ; the water being somewhat rough , hee was much afraid , and ( in stead of saying his prayers , ) 〈◊〉 threatned me , that if I did drowne him , he would spend a hundred pound , but hee would 〈◊〉 me hanged for it ; I desired him to be quiet and feare nothing , and so in litlle space I landed him at the Beares Colledge on the Bankside , alias Paris Garden , ) Well ( said he ) I am glad I am off the water , for it the Boat had miscaried , I could haue swum no more then a Goose. ( 2 ) AN old 〈◊〉 ( at the repayring of a Church ) was writing sentences of Scripture vpon the walles , by chance a friend of mine came into the Church , and reading them perceined much false English : Old man , said my friend , why do you not write true English ? Alas Sir ( quoth the Painter ) they are 〈◊〉 simple people in this Parish , and they will not goe to the cost of it . ( 3 ) TWo men being 〈◊〉 at a Table , one against the other the one of them hauing a cup in his hand , drank to the other , saying , Here Opposite I will drinke to you : Opposite , said the other ( being angry ) what is that , I would not haue thee put any of thy nicknames vpon mee , for thou shalt well know that I am no more opposite then thy selfe , or the skinne 〈◊〉 thy browes . ( 4 ) A Wealthy Monsieur in France , ( hauing profound 〈◊〉 , and 〈◊〉 braine ) was told by his man that 〈◊〉 did continually gape in his sléepe : at which he was angry with his man , saying , hée would not beléeue it : his man 〈◊〉 it to 〈◊〉 true , his master said that he would neuer beléeue any that tould him so , except ( quoth he ) I chance to see it with mine own eyes : and therefore I will haue a great Looking-glasse hanged at my beds 〈◊〉 for the purpofe , to try whether thou art a lying knaue or not . ( 5 ) THe said 〈◊〉 commaunded his man to buy him a gray hat , with a button in the 〈◊〉 to button it vp behind : his man bought him one , & brought him , he put it on his head with the button before , which when hee looked in the glasse and saw , he was very angry saying , thou crosse 〈◊〉 knaue , did I not 〈◊〉 thée buy a hat with the button to hold it vp behind , and thou hast brought mee one that turnes vp before : I command thée once more goe thy wayes , and 〈◊〉 me such a one as I would haue , 〈◊〉 it cost me . ( 6 ) THe same Gallent as 〈◊〉 trauelled , would haue a Goose to his Supper , which when she was 〈◊〉 and brought to the Table , he said shee 〈◊〉 : not so , I hope , said the 〈◊〉 , it cannot be , for I am sure shee was aliue since you came into the house : That may be quoth the 〈◊〉 , but then I am sure 〈◊〉 you kild her when she was 〈◊〉 , shee would neuer stinke so else . ( 7 ) AN excéeding tall Gentlewoman was riding behind a very short little man , so that the mans head reached no higher then her breast , which the afore-said 〈◊〉 perceiuing , said , Madam you will ride a great deale better , if you put your legge 〈◊〉 that same pummell of your saddle . Another time he chanced to méete a Lady of his acquaintance , and asked her how she did , and how her good 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 ; at which word she wept , saying , that her Husband was in heauen ; in 〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , it is the 〈◊〉 time that I 〈◊〉 of it , 〈◊〉 I am 〈◊〉 for it with all my heart . ( 8 ) ONce the said 〈◊〉 saw a 〈◊〉 that had a Iack Daw to sell : Sirra quoth he what wilt thou take for thy daw ? 〈◊〉 ( said the 〈◊〉 ) the price of my Daw is two French Crownes . Wherefore ( said the other ) dost thou aske so much for him ? the fellow replyed , that the Daw could speake French , Italian , Spanish , Dutch and Latine ; all which tongues hee will speake after he is a little acquainted in your Lordships house : Well quoth hee , bring thy Daw in , and there is thy money . In conclusion , Iack Daw ( after a moneth or fiue 〈◊〉 time ) neuer spake otherwise then his father 〈◊〉 Kaw Kaw : whereat the 〈◊〉 said , that the Knaue had cozened him of his money ; but it is no matter , there is no great 〈◊〉 in it : for quoth hee , though my Daw doe not speake yet I am in good hope that he thinkes the more . ( 9 ) ANother time hee commanded his man to buy some swéet thing to burne in his Chamber , for ( quoth he ) my 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 . 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 in a paper , and 〈◊〉 hee was going for fire , his master tasted of it , and finding it sticke in his téeth , and rellish very bitter , he called his man cozening knaue , that would bring him such bitter trash for his money ; and straight wayes commanded 〈◊〉 to buy a pound of the best sugar , and burne it straight to swéeten and perfume his Chamber . ( 10 ) THis Gallant in his youth was much addicted to dicing , and many times when hee had lost all his money , then hee would pawne his cloake , and so goe home without either cloake or coyne , which grieued the Lady his mother very much : for remedy whereof , she caused all his doublets ( of what stuffe soeuer ) to bee made with 〈◊〉 painted backes , whereon was fashioned 2 fooles , which caused the gentleman euer after to kéepe his cloake on his backe , for feare two of the thrée should bee discouered . ( 11 ) VVIll Backstead the Player cast his Chamber-lye out of his window in the night , which chanced to light vpon the heads of the watch passing by ; who angerly said , who is that offers vs this abuse ? Why , 〈◊〉 Will , who is there ? Who is here , said one of the pickled watchmen , we are the Watch. The Watch , quoth William , why my friends you know , Harme watch , harme catch . ( 12 ) A Cardinall of Rome had a goodly 〈◊〉 house new built , but the broken bricks , tiles , sand , lime , stones , and sush rubbish as are commonly the remnants of such buildings lay confusedly in heaps and scattered here and there : The Cardinall demanded of his Suruayor wherefore the rubbish was not conueyed away : The Suruayor said ; that he purposed to hyre an hundred carts for the purpose . The Cardinall replyed , that the charge of Carts might be saued , for a pit might digged in the ground and bury it . My Lord , sayd the Suruayor , I pray you what shall we 〈◊〉 with the earth which we digge out of the said pit ? Why you horseson 〈◊〉 , said the Cardinall , 〈◊〉 thou not dig the pit 〈◊〉 enough , and bury all together . ( 13 ) A Poore Country man praying 〈◊〉 Superstitious before an olde Image of S. Loy , the Image suddenly fell downe vpon the poore man , and bruised his bones sorely , that he could not stirre abroad in a 〈◊〉 after ; in which space the cheating Priests 〈◊〉 set 〈◊〉 a new Image : the country man came to the Church againe , and 〈◊〉 a 〈◊〉 off , to the new Image , saying , Although thou smilest and lookest faire vpon me yet thy father plaid me such a knauish pranke lately , that I le beware how I 〈◊〉 too neere thee , lest thou shouldest haue any of thy Fathers vnhappy qualities . ( 14 ) A 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 ten 〈◊〉 in suit of Law , had a triall at 〈◊〉 , where the 〈◊〉 went on her side ; wherevpon 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 presently 〈◊〉 her 〈◊〉 by 〈◊〉 some of her néerest tenants & 〈◊〉 to supper ; amongst whom was a plaine downe right countrey 〈◊〉 , to whom the Lady sayd , 〈◊〉 , I thinke I haue tickled my aduersary now , though it were long first , I trow hee will make no brags of his medling with me . The honest 〈◊〉 replyed , Truely Madam I did euer thinke what it would come to at last , for I knew when he first medled with your 〈◊〉 , that he had a wrong Sow by the 〈◊〉 . ( 15 ) ONe asked a 〈◊〉 what the Westminster Hall was like ; Marry , quoth the other , it is like a Butlers Box at Christmas amongst 〈◊〉 , for whosoeuer loseth , the Box will be sure to bee a winner . ( 16 ) A Proper Gentlewoman went to 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 a rich 〈◊〉 that had more gowt then good manners , at her taking leaue hee requested her to tast a cup of Canara : She ( contrary to his expectation ) tooke him at his 〈◊〉 , and thanked him . Hee commanded Ieffrey Starueling his man to wash a glasse , and fill it to the Gentlewoman . Honest 〈◊〉 fild a great glasse about the bignesse of two Taylors thimbles , and gaue it to his master , who kist it to saue cost , and gaue it to the Gentlewoman , saying 〈◊〉 it was good Canara of sixe yeares old at the least , to whom shee an swered , ( séeing the quantitie so small ) sir , as you requested me , I haue tasted your wine , but I wonder that it should be so little , being of such a great age . ( 17 ) A Souldier vpon his march found a horse-shooe , and stucke it at his girdle , where passing through a wood , some of the enemy lay in 〈◊〉 , and one of them discharged his musket , and the shot by fortune light against the fellowes horse-shooe . A ha , 〈◊〉 . he , I perceiue that little armor will serue a mans turne , if it bee put on in the right place . ( 18 ) ONe being in a 〈◊〉 with his friend , looking out at the window , he saw one riding on a horse in the stréet , said he , do you sée that horse ? yea , 〈◊〉 . the other : then said he , you may sweare you haue séene the best hors in England : how do you know that said the other ? I know it well , said he , for it is my horse , and I am sure that he is the best , and yet I 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 that I haue one in my stable worth ten of him . ( 19 ) AN vnhappy boy that kept his fathers 〈◊〉 in the country , did vse to cary a payre of Cards in his pocket , and méeting with boyes as good as himselfe , would fall to Cards at the Cambrian game of Whip-her-ginny , or English one and thirtie ; at which sport he would some daies lose a shéepe or two : for which if his father corrected him , hee ( in reuenge ) would driue the shéepe home at night ouer a narrow bridge , where some of them falling besides the bridge , were drowned in the swift brooke . The old man being wearied with his vngracious dealing , complained to a Iustice , thinking to afright him from doing any more the like . In briefe , before the 〈◊〉 the youth was brought , where ( vsing small reuerence , and lesse 〈◊〉 , ) the Iustice said to him , Sirrah , you are a notable villaine , you play at Cards , and lose your fathers shéepe at one and thirty . The boy replyed , that it was a lye . A lye , quoth the Iustice , you saucy knaue , dost thou giue me the 〈◊〉 No , qd the boy I gaue not you the lye , but you told me the lye , for I neuer lost Shéepe at one and thirty , for when my game was one and thirty I allwayes wonne . Indéede , said the Iustice , thou saist true , but I haue another accusation 〈◊〉 thée , which is , that you driue 〈◊〉 fathers shéepe ouer a narrow bridge , where some of them are oftentimes drowned : That 's a lye too , quoth the 〈◊〉 , for 〈◊〉 that goe ouer the bridge are well enough , it is onely those that fall beside : which are drowned : Whereto the Iustice said to the boyes father . Old man , thou 〈◊〉 brought in to false accusations against thy 〈◊〉 , for he neuer lost shéepe at one and thirty , nor were there euer any drowned that went ouer the bridge . ( 20 ) A Quiblet . A 〈◊〉 passing through a roome where a Woman was 〈◊〉 a buck of clothes , but hee thinking shée had béene 〈◊〉 , saw a dish , and dipped some small 〈◊〉 of the Lye , which he supposing to 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , dranke vp , and 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 to 〈◊〉 , spt , 〈◊〉 , and spaule : the 〈◊〉 asked him 〈◊〉 hée 〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉 told her , and called her some 〈◊〉 names , saying , he had swallowed Lye , Nay then I cannot blame you to be angry , for you being a Souldier and a Captaine , it must 〈◊〉 trouble your stomake to swallow the Lye. ( 21 ) A Country fellow ( that had not walked much in stréets that were paued ) came to London , where a dog came 〈◊〉 out of a house , and furiously ran 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 stooped to take vp a 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 the Dogge , and finding them all 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 or paued in the ground ; 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉 strange Country am I in , 〈◊〉 the 〈◊〉 tye vp the 〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉 let the dogs loose . ( 22 ) AN honest Mayor of a Towne , being all Mercy and no Iustice , louing ease and quietnesse , and vnwilling to commit any offence or offender , one said of him that hée was like the herbe Iohn in a pottag pot , for that herbe did not giue any taste at all either good or bad , but an excellent 〈◊〉 : so the Mayor did neither good nor harme , but ( as an image of a Mayors authority ) filled vp the roome . ( 23 ) A Iustice of the Peace , being angry with a pilfering Knaue , said , Sirrah , if thou dost not mend thy manners , thou wilt be shortly 〈◊〉 , or else I will bee hauged for thée . The bold knaue replyed , I thanke your worship for that kind offer , and I beséech your worship not to bee out of the way when I shall haue occasion so vse you . ( 24 ) CErtaine Iustices of the Peace being informed of the odious abuses daily committed by drunkennesse in their Iurisdictions , did according to their places and duties , méet at a market towne , and sate two dayes , hearing informations , and working reformations : at last they concluded that the Ale and Béere were too strong , and therefore commanded that from thence forth smaller drinke should bée brewed , whereby these vnruly people might sometimes goe to bed sober . But one mad tospot fellow being much grieued at this order , hauing made himselie half pot-shaken , without feare or wit came to the Iustices , and asked them if they had sate two dayes about the brewing of small drink : to whom one of the Iustices replyed , yes : Why then quoth the 〈◊〉 , I pray you sit thrée dayes more to know who shall drinke it , for I will none of it . ( 25 ) THere was a Scottish Gentleman that had sore eyes , who was counselled by his Physitians to forbeare drinking of wine : but hee said hee neither could nor would forbeare it , maintaining it for the lesser suill , to shut vp the windowes of his body , then to suffer 〈◊〉 house to fall downe , through want of reparations . ( 26 ) VPon the death of Queene Elizabeth , there was a Mayor of a Country Towne sitting in consultation with his Brethren : to whom hee grauely said , My Brethren and Neighours , I 〈◊〉 heare that the Quéene is dead , wherefore I thought it excéeding 〈◊〉 we should despaire to this place , that being dissembled together , we might consult of our estates , for I doubt 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 shalt haue another Queene or a King , and I stand in great feare that the people will be vnrude , so that wée shall bée in danger of strange Resurrection , ( 27 ) ANother Mayor that was on hunting , ( by chance ) one asked him how hée liked the Cry : a pox take the Doggs , saith he , they make such a bawling that I cannot heare the Cry. ( 28 ) AN old Iustice was fast a sléepe on the Bench when a 〈◊〉 Malefactor was iudged to bee hanged ; at which word the Iustice suddenly awaked , and said to the Théefe , My friend , I pray let this bee a warning to you , looke you doe so no more , for wee doe not show euery man the like fauour . ( 29 ) AN old Recorder of a City in this Land was busie with a Country Mayor , in the meane space they were interrupted by a fellow that was brought before him for killing of a man : my Lord asked the fellowes name , who answered , his name was Gilman . Said my Lord , take away G , and thy name is Ilman put K to it , thy name is Kilman , and put to Sp and thy name is Spilman , thou art halfe hang'd already ( as the prouerbe sayes : ) for thou hast au ill name , let a man vary it how he can . The Mayor all this while stood by musing at my Lords canuasing the mans name , and afterward being at home among his owne good people , hée had an offender brought before him for getting a Wench with child : Master Mayor asked him his name : the fellow said , if it please your worship my name is Iohnson . Then Master Mayor ( striuing to Imitate my Lord ) said , take away G and thy name is Ilman , put K to it , it is Kilman , put Sp to it , and thy name is Spilman , thou art a knaue , thou hast an ill name , and 〈◊〉 shalt bée hanged , &c. ( 30 ) A Quiblet . MAster Field the Player riding vp Fleetstreet , a great pace , a Gentleman called him , and asked him what play was playd that day : he ( being angry to be 〈◊〉 vpon so friuolous a demand ) answered , that he might see what play was to bée playd vpon euery Poste , I cry you mercy ( said the Gentleman ) I tooke you for a Poste , you road so fast ( 31 ) ONe being 〈◊〉 vexed with the spirit of iealousie , came suddenly into his house , and found a man ( whom he suspected ) some what too busie with his wife ; to whom he said , Now good fellow I thanke thée , for thou hast cured mee of a strange hellish torment ; my suspition is cleared , and apparent knowledge hath giuen mee such ease of heart , that I will be iealous no more . ( 32 ) A Skilfull Painter was requested to paint out a faire Courtezan ( in plaine English a Whore ) I pray you spare that 〈◊〉 , said the Painter , for if shee bee a right whore she daily paints her selfe . ( 33 SEigneur Valdrino ( pay-master to the Campe of Alphonsus King of Aragon ) a man exquisite in courtship and complement ; as two or thrée were at strife laying wagers what Countryman he was , a blunt bold Captaine asked what was the matter : why Captaine , said one , 〈◊〉 are laying a wager what Countryman my L. Treasurer Valdrino is : Oh said the Captaine , I can tell you that , I am sure he was borne in the land of Promise , for I haue serued the King in his 〈◊〉 these seuen yeers without pay , and euer when I petition to my Lord , he payes me with no coine but promises , which makes mee halfe assured that he is that countryman . ( 34 A Nobleman of France ( as he was riding ) met with a yeoman of the country , to whom he said , My friend I should know thée , I doe remember I haue often seene thée : My good Lord , said the Countryman , I am one of your Houors poore tenants , and my name is T. 1. I remember thée better now ( said my Lord ) there were 2 brothers of you , but one is dead , I pray which of you doth remaine aliue ? ( 35 ) THe 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 man hauing had a 〈◊〉 that was blind , play to him after supper 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 late , at last he arose , and commanded one of his seruants to light the 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 : to whom the 〈◊〉 said my Lord , the Harper is blind : 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , quoth my Lord , he 〈◊〉 the more 〈◊〉 of light . ( 36 ) A Young fellow 〈◊〉 himselfe the richest 〈◊〉 in England : to whom his Mother 〈◊〉 very angerly , you foolish 〈◊〉 boy , why 〈◊〉 thou desire such a wish , hath not 〈◊〉 own Father enough in store for thee ? ( 37 ) A 〈◊〉 Rampant , made her husband a 〈◊〉 Dormant , with a front Cressant , surprised by the watch Guardant , brought to the Iustice 〈◊〉 , with her play-fellow 〈◊〉 , after a coursie Couchant ; the Iustice told her that her offence was haynous , in breaking the bonds of matrimony in that adulterate manner , and that she should consider that her husband was her Head : Good sir , quoth shee , I did euer acknowledge him so ; and I hope it is no such great fault in me , for I was but trimming , dressing , or 〈◊〉 my Head. ( 38 ) A Man being very sickely , one said to his wife , I maruell your husband doth not weare a night-cap . Truely ( quoth 〈◊〉 ) within this sixe monthes that my husband hath béen sicke , although his legs be shrunk , yet he hath outgrowne all his night-caps . ( 39 ) A 〈◊〉 , whose mother was noted to bee one not ouerloden with honesty , went to seeke his Godfather , and enquiring for him , quoth one to him , who is thy Godfather : the boy reply'd his name is goodman Digland the Gardiner : Oh said the man , if he be thy Godfather he is at the next Ale-house : but I feare thou takest Gods name in vaine . ( 40 ) A Scholler riding from Cambridge towards London , his horse being tyred , ( a lazy disease often befalling such hacknies ) met a Poste on the way , who notwithstanding he did what he could to make his horse giue him place , by 〈◊〉 , switch , and bridle , yet the Poste was 〈◊〉 to giue him the way : to whom ( in anger ) he said , Thou paltry fellow , dost thou not sée I am a Poste ? The Scholler straight replyed , And thou ignorant fellow , 〈◊〉 thou not sée that I ride vpon a Poste . ( 41 ) A Fellow hauing more drinke then wit , in a 〈◊〉 euening made a foolish vow to take the wall of as many as hée met betwixt the Temple-bar and Charing crosse , and comming néere the Sauoy , where stood a Poste a little distance from the wall : the drunkard tooke it for a man , and would haue the wall , beginning to quarrell and giue the Poste foule words : at which a man came by , and asked the matter , and whom he spake to : he answered hee would 〈◊〉 the wall of that fellow that stood so stifly there : my friend said the other , that is a Poste , you must giue him the way : Is it so , said the fellow , a 〈◊〉 vpon 〈◊〉 , why did he not blow his horne ? ( 42 ) A Saylor being on a tired horse , riding 〈◊〉 Douer to London , his company prayd him to ride faster : to whom hee answered , I can come no faster , 〈◊〉 you 〈◊〉 sée that I am be calm'd ? ( 43 ) TWo Gentlemen were 〈◊〉 , and one of them cast away the others hat ; but the other catcht his hat off , and put it on his owne head : now fie , fie , quoth tho other , thou spoylest my hat : wherewith said the other ? Marry ( said hee that was bareheaded ) thou spoy lest my hat with putting a Calues head into it . ( 44 ) The figure Conuersion . IF a Uintner doth draw me good wine vpon money or credit , then he is fitter to draw then hang : but if hée draw mee bad wine for good money , then he is much fitter to hang then to draw . ( 45 ) A Man hauing beene with a Doctor of Physicke to haue his aduise about 〈◊〉 griefe he had ; when he came home his wife asked him what newes ? Marry , said hee , my Physitian doth counsell mee to drinke Asses milke euery morning fasting : Why husband , quoth the Woman , I pray you tell me , doth master Doctor giue suck ? ( 46 ) A Braue and valiant Captaine , whom I could name , had a scarse giuen him here in England , and he sayling ouer into the Low Countries , an old 〈◊〉 Catholike Lady of his acquaintance , was very importunate to beg his scarfe of him : the Captaine asked her what shee would 〈◊〉 with it , and said , it was not fit for her wearing . She answered him , that if he would giue it her , that Iesus Christ should weare it in the Church vpon holy dayes , meanning the Image , Madam , said the Captaine , if you will bringe me word that euer his father wore such a scarfe , then I will giue you this for him . ( 47 ) BEtwéene the houres of twelue and 〈◊〉 at noone , one asked me what it was a clocke : I answered him , it was little or no thing . He demaunded of me what I 〈◊〉 by my answer ? I reply'd , that it being not one of the clocke , it was to bee reckned or counted for nought , for that which is lesser then one , is little or nothing . ( 48 ) A Gentlewoman cheapned a close 〈◊〉 in Pauls Church-yard , and the shopkéeper did aske her to much money for it , as she thought , Why mistris , said he , I pray you consider what a good locke and key it hath : Shée replyed , that shee had small vse for 〈◊〉 locke or key , for 〈◊〉 purposed to put nothing into it , but what 〈◊〉 cared not who stole out . ( 49 ) A Countrey woman at an Asses was to take her oath against a party ; the said party 〈◊〉 the Iudge that her 〈◊〉 might not be taken ; the Iudge demanded why hee excepted against 〈◊〉 my Lord ( quoth he ) shée is a Recusant or Romane Catholique , and they hold it no matter of conscience to sweare any thing against vs. Come hither woman , said the 〈◊〉 , I doe not thinke thou art a 〈◊〉 , I am perswaded that for forty shillings thou 〈◊〉 swear the Pope is a knaue : Good my Lord , said shee , the Pope is a stranger to me , but if I knew him as well as I know your Lordship , I would sweare for halfe the money . ( 50 ) A Cardinall kept a knauish foole for his recreation , to whom hee said , Sirrah foole , suppose that all the world were dead but thou and I , and that one of vs should be turned to a Horse , and the other of vs to an Asse , say which of these two wouldest thou choose to bee ? The foole answered , Sir , you are my master , and for that 〈◊〉 it is fit that your worship should choose first , and I will be contented to take that which you leaue . Why then said the Cardinall , I would be a horse : no said the foole , let me intreat your worship to be an Asse , for I would be an Asse to chuse of al things : why quoth the Cardinall ? marry , said the foole because that I haue knowne many Asses come to bee 〈◊〉 , but I néuer knew any horse come to the like 〈◊〉 . ( 51 ) A Graue discréet Gentleman hauing a comely wife , whose beauty and frée behauiour did 〈◊〉 her honesty into suspition , by whom he had a 〈◊〉 almost at mans estate , of very dissolute and wauton cariage : I muse , said one , that a man of such stayd and moderate grauity should haue a sonne of such a contrary and froward disposition . Sir , 〈◊〉 another , the reason is that his pate is stuffed with his mothers wit , that there is no roome for any of his fathers wisedome : besides the 〈◊〉 of her heeles is gotten into her sonnes braines . ( 52 ) A Rich Grasier dwelling 150 miles from Oxford , hauing a sonne that had seuen yeares beene a student there , at last sent for him home , to whom he said , Sonne I doe heare that you are well practised in the rudiments of learning , but that withall you are addicted to an idle veine of the poore and thréedbare art of Poetry ; which I charge thee to leaue and auoid , as thou 〈◊〉 my fauour . for my mind is not to haue thée liue beggerly , and dye poorely ; yet I will aske 〈◊〉 one Poetical question , which is . Wherefore thinkest thou that so beautifull a creature as Venus , was so besotted to match her selfe with so ill fauoured a knaue as Vulcan : In truth 〈◊〉 , quoth the young man , I can yéeld you no reason for it , but I wonder at it ; and yet I doe admire as much wherfore my mother maried with you . ( 53 ) A Man going with his Wife by a déepe riuer side , began to talke of Cockolds , and withall hee 〈◊〉 that euery Cuckold were cast into the riuer : to whom his wife replyes , husband I pray you learne to swimme . ( 54 ) A Man riding through a village with his dogge tunning by him , which dogges name was called Cuckold , leaping and frisking into euery house he past by where the 〈◊〉 was 〈◊〉 : whereupon the man being afraid his dog would bee lost , calls and whistles , here , here , Cuckold ; to whom an old woman said , whom dost thou miscall ? I would haue thée know that no cuckold doth dwell in this house . Good Woman , said the man , you mistake me , I doe call no body but my dog ; Now out vpon thée thou misbeléeuing kuaue , said shee , where learnedst thou that manners to call a dog by a christen bodies name . ( 55 ) A Lusty Miller that in his younger daies had béene much giuen to the flesh and the deuill ; so that not one pretty maid or female seruant did or could bring grist to his Mill to be grownd , but the knaue 〈◊〉 would doe his best to vndermine and blow vp their chastity , and withall hée would bargain with as many as his temptations ouercame , that at his day of mariage euery one of them should giue him a Cake . In processe of time the Miller was married , and those foresaid 〈◊〉 - hearted Wenches sent each one their cakes , to the number of 99. His wife the bride , who also went for a maid , did muse and aske what was the meaning of so many Cakes ? The miller told her the truth of all without any dissembling : to whom his wife answered , If I had beene so wise in bargaining as you haue beeue in your time , the young men of my acquaintance would haue sent me 100 cheeses to 〈◊〉 with your cakes . This bawdy Miller in a trap was catcht , Nor onely married , but most fitly matcht : In this the prouerb is approued plaine , What bread men breake is broke to them againe . ( 56 ) THere was a faire ship of two hundred tuns lying at the Tower wharfe at london , where a Conntryman passing by most earnestly looked on the said ship , and demanded how old she was : one made answer that she was a yeare old . Good Lord blesse me , said the Countryman , is shee so big 〈◊〉 in one yeare , what a greatnesse will she be by that time she comes to my age . This mans blind ignorance I may compare To Aquavitae giuen to a Mare : Let each man his owne calling then apply , Ne sutor vltra crepidam , say I. ( 57 TWelue Schollers riding together , one of them said , my masters let vs ride faster : Why , quoth another , me thinks we ride a good pace , 〈◊〉 warrant it is foure mile an houre . Alas said the first , what is foure mile an houre amongst all vs. Let not man boast of wit or learning deepe , For ignorance may out of knowledge creep A mongst 12 men 4 mile an houre to ride . He that hath wit to each his share diuide . ( 58 ) AN Apprentice in the market did aske the price of an hundred Oysters : his friend perswaded him not to buy them , for they were too small ; too small reply'd the Prentice , there is not much losse in that for I shall haue the more to the hundred . If vp the hill a measur'd mile it be , Then downe the hill's another mile , I see : A groat to pay , 4 pence will quit the cost . What 's won in t'hundred , in the shire is lost . ( 59 ) SIx Gentlemen riding together , were in doubt that they were out of their way , wherefore they rode a flight-shot to an old shepheard , one of them enquiring of him if that were the way to such a towne , and how far it was thither . Sir , quoth the Shepheard , that is the right way , and you haue six miles thither . Quoth one of the Gentlemen , What a lying old knaue art thou , it cannot bee aboue foure miles : the Shepheard replyde , Sir you offer like a chapman , and you shall haue it for foure miles , but I le assure you it shall cost euery one of these Gentlemen six miles before they come thither . Here rashnes did the Gallāts tongue oreslip , To whō the Shepheard gaue a pleasing nip : Thus softest fire doth make the sweetest Mault , And mild reproofes makes rashnesse see his fault . ( 60 ) A Man was very angry with his mayd , because his eggs were boyled too hard : truely , said she , I haue made them boyle a long houre , but the next you haue shall boyl 2 houres but they shall be tender enough . The boyling of this wenches eggs I find Much like vnto a greedy mizers mind : The egs the more they boyle are harder still The mizer's full , too full ; yet wants his fill . ( 61 ) TWo learned good . fellowes drinking a pipe of Tobacco , it being almost outthat he that drunke last did partly feele the ashes to come hot to his lippes ; giuing the pipe to his friende , said , Ashes to ashes : the other taking the pipe and ( being of a quick apprehension , threw it out to the dunghill saying , Earth to earth . Thus wit with wit agrees like cake & cheese Both sides are gainers , neither side doth lese 〈◊〉 begets conceit , iest , iest doth father And butter falne to 〈◊〉 , doth somthing gather , ( 62 ) ONe sayd a Citizen was a man all in earnest , and in no part like a iest , because the Citizen was neuer bad , or the iest neuer good till they were both broke , What 's one mans yea , may be anothers nay , The Sun doth soften wax , and harden clay : Some Citizens are like to iests , for why , They 'll breake in iest , or bankrupt policy . ( 63 ) A Gallant with a galloping wit , was mounted vpon a running horse toward a Towne named Tame , within ten miles of Oxford , and riding at full spéed , he met an old man , and asked him , Sirrah is this the way to Tame ? yes sir , he replyde , your Horse , I le warrant you , if he were as wild as the deuill . This is a ridle to a foole , me thinks , And seemes to want an Oedipus or Sphinx , But 〈◊〉 , in my booke I hold it fit , To find you lines , your selfe must find you wit. ( 64 ) A Complementall Courtier that in his French , Italian , and Spanish cringes , 〈◊〉 , and curtelies , would bend his body , and bow euery way like a tumbler , a Mercere seruant espying his marmositicall 〈◊〉 , said , Oh if my master could haue bowed but halfe so much ; I am certainly perswaded that he had neuer broke . Too much of one thing oft proues good for nothing , And dainties in satiety , breeds loathing : Th'ones flattery mingled with the others pride , Had seru'd them both , both might line long vnspide . ( 65 ) I My selfe gaue a booke to King Iames once in the great Chamber at Whitehall as his Maiesty came from the Chappell , the Duke of Richmond said merrily vnto me , Taylor where did you learne the manners to giue the King a book and not knéel ? My Lord , said I , if it please your Grace , I doe giue now , but when I beg any thing then I will kneele . Be it to all men by these presents knowne , Men need not kneel to giue away there own I le stand vpon my feet when as I giue , And kneele when as I beg more meanes to liue , But some by this may vnderstand . That Courtiers 〈◊〉 kneele then stand . ( 66 ) THe trayned souldiers of a certaine Shire which I could name , to the number of 6000 , as they were mnstring and drilling vnder their seuerall captaine , a yeomans sonne being there as a raw soldier in his corslet , his father standing by said , I vaith it does me much good at harte to zee how trim a vellow my zonne is in his hardnesse . The young fellow hearing his fathers commendations of him , began very desperately to shake his pike , and looking exceeding grim , with a 〈◊〉 horrible terrible countenance , said , O vather , chad lather nor a groat that all wee had but one Spainard here . One Spainard mongst 6000 , pitty t' were , Better ten thousand Britains bold were ther Led by braue Leaders , that might make Spain e quake , Like Vere , or Morgan , Essex , Blunt , or Drake . ( 67 ) ONe said that he could neuer haue his health in Cambridge , and that 〈◊〉 hee had liued there till this time , he thought in his conscience that hee had dyed 7 yeares agoe . I will not say the man that spake so lyed , Seuē years ago , no doubt , he might haue di'd He by his trade perhaps might be a dyer , And daily dy'd to liue , and bin no lyer . ( 68 ) A Country fellow was much grieued that hée had not gone seuen miles to a market towne to haue seene the 〈◊〉 : Why , said his wife , it is too far to goe and come in a day to sée such bables , especially t is too great a iourney on foot . O quoth hee , I could haue gone thither with my neigbour Hobson on foot , like a foole as I was , and I might haue rid backe vpon my neghbour Iobsons mare , like an asse as I am . Thus in the preter tense a foole he was , And in the present tense he is an Asse ; And in the future , foole and asse shall be , That goes or rides so far such sights to see . ( 69 ) THere was a 〈◊〉 young Scholler preferred to a 〈◊〉 in the Country , and commonly on Sundayes and holydaies after euening prayer he would haue a dozen bouts at 〈◊〉 with the 〈◊〉 youths in his parish : The Bishop of the Diocesse hearing of it , sent for the parson , telling him that this beséemed not his profession and grauity , and if that hee did not desist from that 〈◊〉 kind of exercise , he would vnbenefice him ; Good my Lord , sayd the person ) I beséech you to conceiue rightly of me , and I doubt not but my playing 〈◊〉 will be accounted tollerable , for I doe it 〈◊〉 purpose to 〈◊〉 the ruder sort of my people : How so , said the Bishop ; Marry my Lord ( quoth the Parson ) whatsoeuer I doe teach them at morning and euening prayer , I doe heat soundly into their 〈◊〉 at cudgels afterward , for their better remembrance . I wish that all the Fencers in our nation , Were onely of this Parsons congregation : That he his life and doctrine should explain By beating them , whilst they beat him againe . ( 70 ) A Iudge vpon the Bench did aske an old man how old he was : My Lord , said he , I am eight and fourescore : And why not fourescore and eight , said the Iudge : the other replyde , because I was eight before I was fourescore . Eight's before eighty , all men may descry , Yet we name eighty first , contrarily : Pull off my Boots and Spurs , I you beseech . when Spurs & Boots is rather 〈◊〉 speech ( 71 ) A Fellow made his boast that hee rode 220 miles with one horse and neuer drew bit : that may be quoth another ) perhaps you rid him with a halter . The prouerb saies , he that will swear wil lie , He that will lye will steale by consequency : Swearers are lyers , lyars most are theeues , Or God helpe Iaylors , & true Vndershrieues . ( 72 ONe saw a decayed Gentleman in a very thréed bare cloake , sayd to him , Sir you haue a very watchfull cloake on : Why said the poore Gentleman the other answered , I doe not 〈◊〉 it had a good nap this seuen yeares : the Gentleman replyed , and truly sir me thinkes you want a nap as well as my cloke , for you talke idlely for want of sleepe . The Prodigall at Pouerty doth scoffe , Though from his backe the begger 's not farre off , Here flout with flout , and bob with bob is quitted , And proud vainglorions folly finely fitted ( 73 ) A Diligent and learned Preacher on a 〈◊〉 in the afternoone was preaching , whilst most of the zealous 〈◊〉 men ( for their meaner edification ) were fast a 〈◊〉 in 〈◊〉 pues : in the meane space a young childe cryed somewhat aloud at the lower end of the church , which the Preacher hearing , called to the Nurse , and said , Nurse , I pray thée still thy childe , or else it may chance to awaken some of the best men in our parish . Men sleepe at Sermons , sure their braines are adle , Sly Satan lulls them , and doth rocke the cradle : When men thus doe no ill , t is vnderstood , The deuill hinders them from doing good . ( 74 ) A Chorister or singing man at seruice in a Cathedrall Church , was fast asleepe when all his fellowes were singing , which the Deane espying , sent a boy to him to waken him , and aske him why he did not sing ? he being suddenly awaked , prayed the boy to thanke master Deane for his kind remembrance , and to tell him that he was as merry as those that did sing . They say he 's wise that can himselfe keepe warme , And that the man that sleepes well thinkes no harme , He sung not , yet was in a merry 〈◊〉 , Like Iohn Indifferent , did not harme nor good . ( 75 ) A Kind of clownish gentleman had halfe a Brawne sent him against Christmas , he very illiberally gaue the Seruing man halfe a shilling that brought it : the Seringman gaue the Porter that carried it eight pence before the 〈◊〉 face . 〈◊〉 , said he , are you so prodigall to reward the Porter with eight pence , when I giue you but sixe pence , thou bearest the mind of a prodigall Gallant , although by thy foot thou seemest 〈◊〉 clowne : Good sir , said the fellow , I confesse I haue a very clownish lubberly payre of féet , but yet I am perswaded that a payre of your worships shooes would fit them well . Here 's Bore and Brawn together are wel met He knew that giuing was no way to get , The world gets somwhat 〈◊〉 the 〈◊〉 , When as the 〈◊〉 gets the deuill and all . ( 76 ) A Griping extortiouer that had béene a maker of beggers for the space of forty yeares , and by raising rents and oppression , had vndone many families , 〈◊〉 on a time in anger to a poore fellow that had 〈◊〉 a 〈◊〉 of his , 〈◊〉 villane , 〈◊〉 thou rob me , I vow and sweare there is not so damned a rogue in the world as thou : to 〈◊〉 the fellow answered , I beséech your good worship remember your selfe , and be good to mee for Gods sake , and for your owne sake . This Rascals eye is with a beame so blind , That in the poore mans he a moat can find : The wolfe himself , a temperate feeder deems And euery man too much himselfe esteems . ( 77 ) A Seruingman and his mistris was landing at the Whitefryars stayers , the stayers being very bad , a waterman offered to helpe the woman , saying . Giue me your hand Gentlewoman I le help you : to whom her man replyed , you 〈◊〉 fellow place your words right , my mistris is 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , she is a Lady . All is not gold ( they say ) that glisters bright Snow is not suger , though it look as white : And t is approued to be true and common , That euery Lady 's not a Gentlewoman . ( 78 ) A Seruingman going in hast in London , ( minding his 〈◊〉 more then his way ) a Gallant iustled him from the wall almost into the kennell : the fellow turned about , and asked the Gentleman why he did tustle him so ? the Gentleman said , Because he would not giue the wall to asawcy knaue . The Seruingman replyed , your worship is not of my mind , for I will. Here Pride that takes Humility in snuffe , Is well encountred with a couuterbuffe : One would not giue the wall vnto a Knaue , The other would , and him the wall he gaue . ( 79 ) A Iustice of the Peace was very angry with a country 〈◊〉 because 〈◊〉 came not to him at 〈◊〉 sending for him ; and after hee had 〈◊〉 bestowed two or thrée dozen of knaues vpon him , hee sayd to him ; Sirrah , I will make you know that the proudest saucy 〈◊〉 that dwels vnder my command shall come before we when I send for him . I beseech your worship , said the man , to pardon me , for 〈◊〉 was afraid : afraid of what , said the Iustice ? of your worship , answered , the fellow . Of mée , said the 〈◊〉 ? why wast thou afraid of ma ? Because your worship lookes so like a Lyon , sayd the man : a Lyon quoth the Iustice ? when didst thou sée a Lyon ? may it please your worship ( the fellow replyde ) I saw a Butcher bring one but yesterday to 〈◊〉 market , with a white face , and his foure legs bound . This fellow was a knaue , or foole , or both , Or else his wit was of but slender growth : He gaue the whitfac'd Calfe the Lyons stile the Iustice was a proper man the while . ( 80 ) DIuers Gentlemen being merry together , at last one of their accquaintance came to them ( whose name was Sampson ) A ha , said one of them , 〈◊〉 may be securely merry , no Sergant or Bailiffe dare touch vs , for if a thousand Philistims come , here is Sampson , who is able to brain them all : to whom Shampson replyde . Sir I may boldly venture against so many as you speake of , prouided , that you will lend me one of your Iaw-bones . ( 81 ) TWo Playsterers being at worke for me at my 〈◊〉 in Southwarke , did many times patch or dawbe out part of their dayes lobour with prating , which I being digging in my garden did ouerheare , that their chat was of their wiues , and how that if I were able ( quoth one ) my wife shoule ride in pompe through London , as I saw a Countesse ride yesterday : why quoth the other , how did she ride I pray ? Marry , said he , in state , in her horslitter : O base , quoth the other , Horslitter , I protest as poore a man as I am , I would haue allowed my wife a thréepeny trust of clean straw : ( 82 ) SIr Edward Dier came to the Tower on some businesse iust at the time as the Gate was newly shut , and the Warders going away with the keyes , hee looking through the gate called to one of them , saying , Hoe fellow , I pray thée open the gate and let me in : None of your fellow Sir but a poore Knaue : Why then said Sir , Edward , I pray thée poore Knaue let mee in : nay no knaue neither , quoth the 〈◊〉 . Why then said the knight , hee was a knaue that told me so . ( 83 ) ONe met his friend in the street , and told him he was very sory to see him looke so ill , asking him what he ailed : hee replyed , that hee was now well amended , but he had beene lately 〈◊〉 of the Pox : What pox , the small Pox , said his friend ? Nay , quoth the other , my mind was not so base ; for I had the 〈◊〉 Pox that I could get for my money . ( 84 ) AN honest Hostesse of mine at Oxford rosted an old shoulder of a 〈◊〉 , which in the eating was as tongh as a Buffe Ierkin : I did aske her what the reason was that the mutton was so tough : Shee said she 〈◊〉 not , except the Butcher deceiued her in the age of it , and she would tell him on both sides of his 〈◊〉 , like a knaue as he was : Nay , quoth I , I thinke there is 〈◊〉 fault in it which will excuse the Butcher , for perhaps you 〈◊〉 it with old wood : in troth quoth mine hostesse it is like enough , and my husband neuer doth other wayes , but buy old 〈◊〉 and 〈◊〉 which makes all the meat we either roast or boyle , so exceeding tough that no body can eate it . ( 85 ) ONe hearing a clock strike thrée when he thought it was not two , sayd , this Clocke is like an hypocricicall Puritane , for though he will not sweare , yet hee will lye abominably . ( 86 ) 〈◊〉 Tarleton said that hee could compare Queene Elizabeth to nothing more fittly then to a Sculler , for said hee , neither the Queene nor the Sculler hath a fellow . ( 87 ) TWo obstinate rich fellowes in Law ( that had each of them more mouey then wit ) by chance one of them comming out of Westminster Hall met with his aduersaries wife , to whom he sayd , in troth good woman I doe much pitty your case , in that it is your hard fortune that such a foole as your husband should haue so discréet and modest a wife . The woman reply'd , In truth Sir I doe grieue more that so 〈◊〉 a wife as you haue , should haue such a wrangling knaue to her husband . ( 88 ) A Poore labouring man was maried and natched to a creature that so much vsed 〈◊〉 scold waking , that she had much adoe to refrain it sleeping , so that the poore man was so batterfang'd and belabour'd with tongue mettle , that hee was weary of his life : at last foure or fiue woman that were his neighbours ( pittying his case ) came in his absence to his house to admonish and connsell his wife to a quiet behauiour towards her husband ; telling her that shee was a shame to all good woman , in her bad vsage of so honest a painfull man : the woman replyed to her neighbours , that shee thought her husband did not 〈◊〉 her which was partly the cause that shee was so froward towards him ; why ( said an old woman ) I will shew thée how thou shalt proue that he loues thee dearely ; doe thou counterfeit thy selfe dead and lye vnder the table . and one of vs will fetch thy husband , and he shall find vs heauy and grieuing for thée ; by which meanes thou shalt perceiue by his lamentation for thée how much hée loues thée : this counsell was al lowed and effected ; when the poore man came home , be hearing the matter ( being much opprest with griefe ) can vnder the table bemouing the happy losse of his most 〈◊〉 vexation , and making as though hee would kisse her , with a most louing embrace , to make all sure , he brake her necke . The 〈◊〉 pittying the mans extream passion , in compassion told him that his wife was not dead , and that all this was done but to make a triall of his loue towards her : whereupon they called her by her name , bidding her to rise , and that shee had fooled it enough with her husband : but for all their calling , shee lay still , which made one of the women to shake and iogge her , at which the woman cryed , alas she is dead indeed : why this it is quoth her husband to dissemble and 〈◊〉 with God and the world . ( 90 ) A Pantler of a Colledge in Oxford possessing some crums of Logicke and chippings of 〈◊〉 , making distribution of bread at the Schollers table , one of the Schollers , complained vnto 〈◊〉 that the bread was dow baked : Why , quoth he , so it should be , what else is the definition of bread but dough baked ? ( 91 ) A Miserable fellow in the country , did once a yeare vse to inuite his neighbours to dinner , and as they were one time sate , hee bad them welcome , saying , that there was a surloine of beefe , that the oxe it came from cost 20 pound and that there was a Capon that hee payd 2 〈◊〉 6 pence for in the market : at which a country yeoman sitting against the Capon 〈◊〉 to and cut off a leg of it , ( the 〈◊〉 of the guests being not yet past their roast beefe ) to whom the man of the house said , My friend , I pray thee eate some of this same surloyne : 〈◊〉 sir , God forbide , quoth the fellow , I am but a poore man , an oxe of 20 pound price is too deare meat , a Capon of halfe a crowne will serue my turne well enough , I thanke you . ( 92 ) A Rich man told his nephew , that he had read a booke called Lucius Apuleius , of the Golden 〈◊〉 and that hee found there how Apuleius after hee had beene an asse many yeares , by eating of 〈◊〉 he did recouer his manly shape againe , and was no more an asse : the young man replyed to his vncle , Sir , if I were worthy to aduise you , I would giue you counsell to eate a sallad of Roses once a weeke your selfe . ( 93 ) A 〈◊〉 hauing beene maried but 〈◊〉 weekes , perceiued his wife to bée great with childe , wherefore shee 〈◊〉 him to 〈◊〉 a Cradle : shortly after he went to a Faire and bought ten cradles , and being demanded why hee bought so many , hee answered , that his wife would 〈◊〉 vse for them all in one yeare . ( 94 ) A Gentleman vntrust and vnbuttoned in a cold winter morning , a friend of his told him that it was not for his health to goe so open in the raw weather , and that he mused it did not kill him to goe so oft vntrust : to whom the other replyed , Sir , you are of the mind of my Silceman , Mercer , or Taylor , for they find fault as you do because I goe so much on trust , but it is a fault I haue naturally from my parents and kindred , and my creditors tell me that I doe imitate my betters . ( 95 ) A 〈◊〉 of the peace committed a fellow to prison , and commanded him away three or foure times , but still the fellow entreated him . Sirrah ( 〈◊〉 the Iustice ) must I bid you bee gone 〈◊〉 many times , and will you not goe ? The fellow answered , Sir , if your worship had 〈◊〉 me to dinner or supper , I should in my poore manners not to haue taken your offer vnder two or thrée biddings , therefore I pray you blame me not if I looke for foure biddings to prison . ( 96 ) A Great man kept a miserable house , so that his seruants did alwayes rise from the table with empty panches , though cleane licked platters : truly , said one of his men , I thinke my Lord will worke miracles shortly , for though he practise not to raise the dead , or dispossesse 〈◊〉 deuill ; yet he goes about to feed his great family with almost nothing . ( 97 ) ONe said that Bias the Philosopher was the first Bowler ; and that euer since the most part of Bowles doe in memory of their orginall , weare his badge of remambrance , and very dutifull 〈◊〉 Bias. Now to tell you , this Bias was one of the seuen Sages or wise men of Greece . My authors to proue him the inuenter 〈◊〉 Bowling , are Shamrooke , a famous 〈◊〉 Gimnosophist in his 9 booke of 〈◊〉 and 〈◊〉 ; of which opinion Balductus the Theban 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 to bee in his third treatise of court performances : the likliest coniecture is , that it was denised as an embleme to figure out the worlds folly and inconstancie ; for though a child will ride a 〈◊〉 or staffe with an imagination that he is on horsebacke ; or make pyes of dirt or 〈◊〉 of cards , féed with 〈◊〉 spoones , and cry for 〈◊〉 péeces of bread and 〈◊〉 , which childish 〈◊〉 are ridiculous to a man : yet this wise game of Bowling doth make the fathers surpasse their children , in 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 and niost delicate dogtrickes . As first for the postures , 1 handle your Bowle : 2 adnance your Bowle : 3 charge your Bowle : 4 ayme your Bowle : 5 discharge your Bowle : 6 plye your Bowle : in which last posture of plying your 〈◊〉 , you shall perceiue many varieties and diuisions , as wringing of the necke , lifting vp of the shoulder , clapping of the hands , lying downe on one side , running after the Bowle , making long 〈◊〉 scrapes and legs ( sometimes bare-headed ) entreating him to 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 ( with pox on 't when t is too short : ) and though the bowler be a Gentleman , 〈◊〉 there hee may méet with attendant 〈◊〉 , that sometimes will be his 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 to foure , by his 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 what house hée came ; 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , because he being 〈◊〉 and gotten into some handsome shape , forgets the house he came of , suffering his betters to giue him the often salute whilest hee like 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 neither 〈◊〉 himselfe , nor will know his superiors . But I hold a mistresse to be the fittest name for it , for there are some that are commonly tearmed 〈◊〉 , which are not much better then mine aunts : and a 〈◊〉 is oftentimes a marke for euery knaue to haue a 〈◊〉 at , euery one striues to come so néere her that he would kisse 〈◊〉 : and yet some are short , some wide , and some ouer , and who so doth kisse , it may perhaps swéeten his lips , but I assure him it shall neuer fill his belly , but rather empty his purse . So much for bowling : that I feare me I haue bowled 〈◊〉 the 〈◊〉 . ( 98 ) A Minister riding into the west parts of England , happened to stay at a village on a Sunday , where hee offered kindly to bestow a sermon vpon them : which the Constable hearing , did aske the 〈◊〉 if he were licenced to preach , yēs quoth he that I am , and with that hée drew out of a box his 〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉 was in Latine , truly said the Constable I vnderstand no Latine , yet I pray you let me 〈◊〉 it , I perhaps shall picke out here and there a word : No good sir , 〈◊〉 the Minister . I will haue no words 〈◊〉 out of it , for spoyling my Licence . ( 99 ) A Clinch . A Country man being demanded how such a Riuer was called , that ranne through their Country : he answered that they neuer had 〈◊〉 to call the Riuer , for it alwayes came without calling . ( 100 ) A Fellow hauing his booke at the Sessions , was burnt in the hand , and was commanded to say God saue the King : the King , said he , God saue my Grandam , that taught me to reade , I am sure I had 〈◊〉 hanged else . ( 101 ) A toy to mocke an Ape . IN Quéene Elizabeths 〈◊〉 there 〈◊〉 a fellow that 〈◊〉 a 〈◊〉 in his hat , like a 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , with a 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 and two letters : this 〈◊〉 had a 〈◊〉 from the Lord 〈◊〉 at that 〈◊〉 to trauell with an 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 which he 〈◊〉 ; whereby hee 〈◊〉 his 〈◊〉 from time to time at markets and 〈◊〉 : his Ape 〈◊〉 alwayes 〈◊〉 vpon a 〈◊〉 dog and a man with a 〈◊〉 to attend 〈◊〉 . It happened that these foure 〈◊〉 came to a 〈◊〉 called Looe in Corwall , where the 〈◊〉 being taken , 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 went about to 〈◊〉 to the people , that at such an 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 an Ape of 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 and quality , if 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 to 〈◊〉 their time and 〈◊〉 to 〈◊〉 him : 〈◊〉 the 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , and other 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 to 〈◊〉 either 〈◊〉 or 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 Ape-tricks , so that 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 to the 〈◊〉 , to the great 〈◊〉 of 〈◊〉 an Apes 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 : 〈◊〉 collecting 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉 to 〈◊〉 to 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 vpon the 〈◊〉 , whatsoeuer came of it ; 〈◊〉 he 〈◊〉 pen , inke , and 〈◊〉 , and 〈◊〉 a warrant to the Mayor of the towne , as 〈◊〉 . These are two will and require you , and euery of you , with your wiues and families , that vpon the sight hereof you make your personall appearance before the Queenes Ape , for it is an Ape of ranke and quality , who is to be practised through her Maiesties 〈◊〉 , that by his long expetience amongst her louing subiects , he may be the better enabled to doe her Maiesty seruice hereafter ; and hereof fayle you not , as you will answere the contrary . &c. This Warrant being brought to the Mayor , he sent for a 〈◊〉 at the 〈◊〉 end of the 〈◊〉 to 〈◊〉 it : which when he heard , 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 all his 〈◊〉 , who went with him to the towne 〈◊〉 to 〈◊〉 vpon this 〈◊〉 busines . 〈◊〉 after they 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 a 〈◊〉 of an houre , no man 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉 any man knowing 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 : at 〈◊〉 a young man that neuer 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , said , Gentlemen , it 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 speake , I think ( without 〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 ) 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 this 〈◊〉 ; to 〈◊〉 the 〈◊〉 said , I pray good 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉 though you neuer did 〈◊〉 any 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , yet 〈◊〉 may speake as 〈◊〉 as some of 〈◊〉 . 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , said the young man , my 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 that this Apecarier is a 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , and one that doth purpose to make this 〈◊〉 a 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 through the whole Kingdome : for , was it euer knowne that a fellow should be so impudent 〈◊〉 as to send a Warrant without either name or date , to a Mayor of a town , to the 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , and that he with his 〈◊〉 , their 〈◊〉 and families , should be all commanded to come before a I'ack-an-apes ? My counsell is that 〈◊〉 take him and his Ape , with his man , and his dog , and 〈◊〉 the whole messe or 〈◊〉 of them out of the towne , which I thinke will 〈◊〉 much for your credit if you doe . At which words a 〈◊〉 man of the towne being much 〈◊〉 , said , My friend you haue spoken little better then treason , for it is the Quéenes Ape , and therefore beware what you say ; you say true , said master Mayor , I 〈◊〉 who 〈◊〉 that 〈◊〉 fellow come into our company , I pray thée my friend depart , I thinke you long to haue 〈◊〉 all 〈◊〉 . So in 〈◊〉 hee was put out of the 〈◊〉 , for they were no company for him . Well now what is to bée done in this matter ? 〈◊〉 ( said another Senior ) we sée by the 〈◊〉 in the 〈◊〉 hat that he is the 〈◊〉 man , and who knowes what power a 〈◊〉 may haue in the Court to doe 〈◊〉 men wrong in the Country , let vs goe and 〈◊〉 the Ape , it is but 2 〈◊〉 a péece , and no doubt but 〈◊〉 wil be well taken , and if it come to 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 ; 〈◊〉 will thinke vs kind people that would 〈◊〉 so much duty to her Ape , what may she thinke we would doe to her 〈◊〉 if they came 〈◊〉 ? 〈◊〉 it is aboue 200 miles to London , and if we should be complained on 〈◊〉 fetched 〈◊〉 with 〈◊〉 , whereas now euery man may escape for his 2 pence , 〈◊〉 warrant it would cost vs 10 〈◊〉 a peece at the least . This counsell passed currant , and all the whole droue of the townsmen , with 〈◊〉 and children , went to see the Ape , who was sitting on a table with a 〈◊〉 about his neck , to whom master Mayor ( because it was the 〈◊〉 Ape ) put off his hat , & made a leg , but Iack let him 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 . But mistris 〈◊〉 cōming next in her clean linnen held her hands before her belly , and like a womā of good bréeding made a low curtsie , 〈◊〉 , quoth he . I thinke shee bee in a presumption : a consumption thou wouldst say , said the Physitian : I told you before ( the fellow replyed ) that I doe not vnderstand your allegant spéeches : Well , quoth the Doctor , doth thy wife kéepe her bed ? No , truly sir , said he , she sold her bed a fortnight since : verily quoth the Doctor shée is very costiue : Costly said the man , your Worship sayes true , for I haue spent all that I haue vpon her almost . Said the Doctor , I doe not say costly but costiue : and I pray thee tell me , is she loose or bound ? Indeed sir , said the man , she is bound to me during her life , and I am bound to her : yea but I pray thée , said the Doctor , tell me in plaine termes how she goes to stoole ? truly , said the fellow , in plaine termes shee goes to stoole very strangely , for in the morning it is so hard that your Worship can scarce bite it with your téeth , and at night it is so thin that you might eat it with a spoone . ( 103 ) GOod fellowes hauing well washed their 〈◊〉 in wine at a 〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉 of them was very 〈◊〉 to be gone ; to whom another of them said , I pray thée be pàtient , talke no more of going , for 〈◊〉 thou wilt 〈◊〉 still but a little , thou shalt 〈◊〉 that we shall all be gone , though 〈◊〉 stay here . ( 104 ) AN 〈◊〉 who dwelt with a rich 〈◊〉 he had , was by a Courtier begged for a foole , 〈◊〉 the foole perceiuing 〈◊〉 home to his vncles Parlour which was fairly hung with 〈◊〉 hangings , and in euery one of the hangings was the 〈◊〉 of a foole wrought : So the Foole watching his opportunty that no body was in the parlour , he tooke a knife and cut the fooles pictures out of euery hanging and went and 〈◊〉 them in a hay 〈◊〉 , which when his vncle came in 〈◊〉 saw , be was very angry , demanded who had spoiled his hangings ? 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , said the Ideot , I did cut out all the fooles , for there is a great man at Court that hath begged mée for a foole , and hée would haue all 〈◊〉 rich 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 can heare of , therefore did I 〈◊〉 the in all out of your 〈◊〉 , and I 〈◊〉 did 〈◊〉 where I thinke he will not 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 in 〈◊〉 . ( 105 ) A 〈◊〉 being scoulded at by his Wife would make her 〈◊〉 hee would 〈◊〉 himselfe : and as he went toward the 〈◊〉 , his Wife followed him 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 to 〈◊〉 , or at the least to let her 〈◊〉 with him ; 〈◊〉 , quoth hee , speake 〈◊〉 , for I am in 〈◊〉 ; then husband 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , séeing you will drowne your selfe 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 you to take my counsell , which is , that you 〈◊〉 not your selfe into this 〈◊〉 place here , for it will 〈◊〉 my heart to sée 〈◊〉 long you will 〈◊〉 a dying : but 〈◊〉 with me a little way , and I will 〈◊〉 you a déepe place , where you 〈◊〉 be dispatched presently . ( 106 ) A 〈◊〉 in Scotland lay dying , to 〈◊〉 her husband said , Wife now 〈◊〉 art 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 leaue me alone , I pray 〈◊〉 tell 〈◊〉 with 〈◊〉 shall I marry . She replyed , are you in 〈◊〉 to 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 the breath 〈◊〉 out of my 〈◊〉 , then 〈◊〉 the deuils dam : not 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , I haue had his daughter already , and 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 should match with his 〈◊〉 too , 〈◊〉 I should 〈◊〉 guiltie of 〈◊〉 . ( 107 THere was a Gentleman that was of a very 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , so 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , and 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 at all things , and 〈◊〉 seldome pleased with any 〈◊〉 , and withall was a great 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 : and as 〈◊〉 time he beat and 〈◊〉 his man , the 〈◊〉 ran from him , and told one of his 〈◊〉 that he thought his master was 〈◊〉 med into Brawne , for he was all Choller , and that he thought the reason 〈◊〉 his kicking was , because hee 〈◊〉 Colts-foot 〈◊〉 mong his Tobacco . ( 108 ) A Doctor of 〈◊〉 in Italy asked a waterman if he might 〈◊〉 well by water ouer the 〈◊〉 Po , the fellow told him 〈◊〉 but the Doctor when he came to the water side and saw it was a little 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , was very angry , and said , You Watermen are the veriest 〈◊〉 in the world for 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 you care not to cast a man 〈◊〉 ; to whom the Waterman replyed , Sir it appeares we are men of a cheaper function and better conscience then you ; for you sometimes will not cast a man away vnder 40 , 50 , or 100 crownes . ( 109 ) ONe borrowed a cloack of a gentleman , and met one that knew him , who said I thinke I know that cloake : it may be so , said the other , I borrowed it of such a gentleman : the other told him that it was too short : yea but quoth he that had the cloake , I will haue it long enougth before I bring it home a gaine . ( 110 ) A Poore womans husband was to bee hanged at the towne of Lancaster and on the excution day 〈◊〉 entreated the 〈◊〉 to bée good to her 〈◊〉 stand her friend : the 〈◊〉 said that hee could doe her no hurt , for her husband was condemned and iudged by the law , and therefore 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 suffer . Ah good master Shrieue said the woman , it is not his life that I aske , but because I haue farre home , and my mare is old and stiffe , therfore I would entreat you to doe me the fauour to let my husband be hanged first . ( 111 ONe came into a Colledge in an Uniuersity , and asked how many Fellowes belonged to the house : another replyed , that there were more good fellowes then good 〈◊〉 two to one . ( 112 ( A Fellow being drunke was brought before a Iustice , who committed him to 〈◊〉 : and the next day when he was to be discharged he was to come to the Iustice againe , who said to him , Sirrah you were not 〈◊〉 the last night : 〈◊〉 Worship sayes true , said the fellow . Yea but you were drunke , said the Iustice , and you did abuse me , and said I was a wise Iustice : the fellow replyed , If I said 〈◊〉 I thinke I was drunke indéed , and I cry your Worship mercy , for I will neuer doe you that wrong when I am sober . ( 113 ) A 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 eye chanced to 〈◊〉 a man in the field , 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 hath 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , the other man 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 the 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 the 〈◊〉 , whereat the 〈◊〉 man suddenly cast downe his Rapier 〈◊〉 Buenas noches , which in the Spanish tongue is goodnight . FINIS 
A66814	----	The witty jests and mad pranks of John Frith commonly called, the merry-conceited-mason, brother and fellow-traveller : with Captain James Hinde the famous high-way-man. Frith, John. 1673 Approx. 27 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 13 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2008-09 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A66814 Wing W3239A ESTC R14984 12596342 ocm 12596342 64057 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A66814) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 64057) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 970:17) The witty jests and mad pranks of John Frith commonly called, the merry-conceited-mason, brother and fellow-traveller : with Captain James Hinde the famous high-way-man. Frith, John. [2], 22 p. Printed for Tho. Passenger ..., London : 1673. Reproduction of original in Huntington Library. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. Gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. 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Quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in Oxford and Michigan. 5% (or 5 pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet QA standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. After proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of 100 instances per text. Any remaining illegibles were encoded as <gap>s. Understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of TCP data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. Users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a TCP editor. The texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level 4 of the TEI in Libraries guidelines. Copies of the texts have been issued variously as SGML (TCP schema; ASCII text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable XML (TCP schema; characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless XML (TEI P5, characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or TEI g elements). Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng English wit and humor. 2006-12 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2006-12 Aptara Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2007-02 Celeste Ng Sampled and proofread 2007-02 Celeste Ng Text and markup reviewed and edited 2008-02 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion THE VVITTY JESTS AND Mad Pranks OF JOHN FRITH Commonly called , The Merry-Conceited-MASON , Brother and Fellow-Traveller WITH Captain Iames Hinde The Famous High-way-Man . LONDON , Printed for Tho. Passenger , at the Three Bibles upon the middle of London-Bridge . 1673. And first of his Birth and Boyes Tricks . LIeutenant John Frith , which is the subject of our following Discourse , was born at Deep Dalle in Derbyshire , of honest paren●age , his Father being a free Ma●on , and brought him up to his Latin , and to write all hands usual , intending to send him to the Vniversity , he was an excellent Mason ; having such good par●s he grew proud , and lighting into bad company , being kept short of money , and took wilde courses ; he then studies how to compass money to spend , and chose vile company rather then the Vniversity or his trade ; being for his Mirth , Birth and Trade , called The Merry conceited Mason . How he feasted his Fellows at another time ▪ HE and his Fellows being in an Inn , having been very merry , and their coyn growing very short , and being very hungry , they knew not how to get a dinner , but John that was quick-witted , soon contrived how to get one . In that Inn was a Wedding kept , with variety of good cheer , so soon as dinner was set on the table , one of his Complices went out into the yard , se●● two Mastiff dogs together by the ●are , hollo●● , calls his fellows to see the sport , which stirr'd not , then run all the people out both the family and stran●ers , in runs his friend , l●cks the door in merriment , keeps all out till they had din's ; then opened the door , permitting them to take the rest ; and to make themselves more spor , in the dead of the night they took a ca● , shooes her with Walnut-shells ●●●'d with pitch , ties a Bell about her neck , and turns her into the Bridegrooms Chamber , which made such harmony that affrighted both the Bride and Bridegroom . How he furnished himself with moneys at a Tavern . JOhn being at a Fair , and in a gallant Gard , espied some Graziers and other Countrey-men telling fifty pounds upon a table in a Tavern where they were drinking , the one party would not receive it except more were added to it , the other would not take it back again , saying , it was his bargain ; whilst they were thus contending , in steps Frith , str●kes the moneys suddenly , being most of it gold , into his hat , runs out at the door , draws his sword , betakes him to his heels cries An Arrest , An Arrest , runs to his horse , mounts and out-r ; ides them all , thus bought he fifty pounds at a Fair. An Excellent Prank performed by Frith amongst four Bears . There was a Bearward that kept four lusty Bears , with whom he travelled the Countrey , and coming where Frith at that time lay with his Complices to catch a Purchase . It being Fair-time , the Bears were tied in a great barn on the out-side of the town , close to an house that sold Ale ; they to make themselves sport ●●ls two marrow-bones with honey , casts them between two and two , sets them all to sighting , and then whipt them , having first plac'd themselvs upon a beam ; but in conclusion the bears brake loose , and made at their new game , the Whip●●ers take their heels , and escaped very narrowly with their lives , the Bears brake into the Alehouse , pulled down the drink , pull'd out the caps ; eat up all the raw meat , brake down an Oven , pull'd out the bread : all this while the Bear wards were drunk , and knew nothing ; but missing the bears in the Morning , found them as drunk as they themselves were over-night , and was forc'd to pay for the loss the house sustained . How he served one Anthony Topley which led a Bear about the Countrey . ONe Anthony Topley that lived once a Bisley , having a small parcel of Land lett him by his Father , sold the same , and bought with that moneys a great Year , and a Bear-dog , and hired a man to travel with him ; one time , lodging by a Market-town in the night ▪ his bear brake into the Ale-Cellar , and drank as long as he could find the way up into a Chamber or loft finds a bed , lies down upon it , and falls asleep ; it hapned that a man and two women lay in that bed ; they wak'd , feeling so heavy a weight upon their feet , and having such strong puffings , put forth their hands to feel what it was , and by the 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 and roughness , their actions being 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 concluded it to be the devil , and so 〈◊〉 all 〈…〉 cross the house ; and 〈◊〉 being 〈◊〉 , cried out in a most horrible manner The devil , the devil , the devil , help Neighbors , good Neighbors help ; John that was su●pected to let the bear loose ▪ bring● in the Watch , where they found 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 drunk , and the three in the 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 rehearsed ▪ all three was sent to Bridewel ●o beat hemp . How he found the aforesaid Topley with his Bear. FRith , as is before rehearsed , being taxed for letting the bear loose , sought revenge on Topley , and so dissembled the m●●●er , that he pro●●r'd assistance to 〈◊〉 , and travelling from Stableforth to Nottingham in hot weather , between Bramcote and Hemlock-hills , his bear being lazy , went into a Pond , and was hard to be gotten forth again : John with his three Gentlemen , riding 〈◊〉 after , 〈◊〉 the Bear laid down at the end of he fallow lands , where the husbandmen were plowing , perswades him to have him drawn by horses , immediately appear a kennel of hounds hunting the Hare on Bramcote-hills with open cry : Anthony fearing his bear would be torn in pieces by the hounds , gave a shilling to the Plough-men , they clapt on their Plough-chains on the bears collar , lashes their horses , John and his men hollow , the bear roars and foams , the horse● hearing so hideous a noise , smelling such a terrible stink , run a full mile towards Lenton , then stopt at a gate that goes into Lenton fields , just opposite to Woollerton-Hall , which is said to have as many windows in it as there are days in the year ; but coming up to the bear they found him as dead as all herring , his head pluckt clear from his shoulders , but John rid strait away to Nottingham ; upon this the free-school-boys made these verses following , Anthony Topley that unluckie heir , Sold his land and bought a bear ; He went to Nottingham to tan his skin , To make a bag to beg bread in . A merry Jest how he hunted the squirril . ON a time he with several Gentlemen went to hunt the squirril , a rare sport in our Countrey , and having a simple fellow in their company , he promised the fel●ow the first Squirril they caught , but did not , notwithstanding the fellow claimed promise ; the next Squirril they took fell down at the feet of the dogs in a Cock gload seeming dead ; John knowing their natures , took the Squirril by the nape of the neck , gives her into the hand of Martin , for so was the fellow named ; the Squirril finding ease and liberty swallows the lower part of his hane , that her teeth met ; but Martin striving to th●ke her off she stuck the faster , till the smart forc'd him to cry out with vehemency , I 'le none of her , I 'le none of her , I 'le none of her ; after much mirth and laughter they look the Squirril off . Martin at that time deeply swore , He ne're would hunt the Squirril more . How he came to London , and cheated an Upholster of a great sum . After this he came to London , and lodged in the house of an Upholster in the suburbs , pretending great dealings in the Countrey for divers commodities , and so demeaned himself , as none mistrusted him paying justly for every thing ; not a boy sent of an errant , but he gave him a good reward ; no linnen wash'd but he pa●d nobly , never was seen to be disguised in drink , his Landlady being a lusty lively young woman , beautiful and fair , to colour his design the better , he made much of his Landlord ; if he went to the Ale-house or the Tavern he paid his R●ckoning for him ; he never went without his pockets well lined with Gold and silver ; but time emptied his pockets ▪ and now he must replenish , or of necessity perish : Where came a pack●t of Letters to his hand from West-Chester ▪ signifying that there was an hundred and fifty pounds lay ready , if he would come and receive the s●me , and withal to bring down fourty pounds worth of Goods more , and receive all his moneys tog●ther : then shewed he these Letters to his Landlord , to confirm his belief , borrows fourty pounds of him to buy these Goods , perswades him to hire two horses to carry them both down , and travelling to West-Chester , took up their Inn : John enquires if such a Gentleman was not yet come , naming a person of quality , Answer was return'd he had not been there yet , then he storm'd , saying , he promised to meet me here about the time ; then hespake be a large Supper , saying , that he expected some friends to sup with him , calls for wine in abundance for the Londoner ; this done , he goes to the Stable , hires a Boy to conduct him to the forenamed Gentlemans house , takes both the horses with the Portmantues a mile out of the town , dismisses the boy , and returns no more to the Vpholster , leaving him to buy another horse , and look for his money . How he left one horse and gained another . IT fortun'd in a skirmish between four thieves , and six true men , one of Friths Complices had his horse shot under him ; he sets his wits at work to get another , and heard that a Parson whom he hated was to ride eight miles to preach a Funeral Sermon ; caused his pretended servant to travel on foot to a convenient place by the way-side : the Parson rid upon a lusty grey Mare , and John upon a black horse as black as Iet , and himself all in black from head to foot , with a coal-black Periwig : his horse can full speed with all his vigour and strength to cover the Mare , and did so be-clout the Parson with his iron 〈◊〉 was , that he almost killed him , and so falling from the beast , the Footman pretending pity , came and took the Mare away to k●ep her from danger ; but the Parson loves not a stone-horse to this very day . Set a Knave to catch a Knave . IT hapned that in a Countrey-town where John lay in the time of the wars , being then a Lieutenant , that he noted the passages between a young couple , and it was thus , an ancient rich Gentleman had married a very fair and beautiful young woman , which before had many Suitors , one of the which , though he was a married man , did often frequent her company ; and walking into the Orchard to solace themselves , free from all company , under a fair pear-tree , whose fruit was much coveted ; it hapned that a School-boy went up in a Moon-wine night , to fill two Satchels with pears . After him came Frith , pretending for to steal pears , the boy fearing that he would beat him , supposing him to belong to the Orchard , begg'd pardon , it was granted , and Silence commanded : immediately came this young Gallant and his young Gentlewoman just under the pear-tree , where the man threw by his weaver-hat , pulls out his purse of moneys , knife and keys , pulls off his coat , spreads it upon the ground to keep his Ladies clothes clean , lays her upon it , and to Venus sport they go with joy and great delight , 〈◊〉 made Johns 〈◊〉 water ; and having no longer power to forbear , with violence threw down a Satchel of pears upon them , then another , saying , then take the bags , the pears and all , then in all haste lept down out of the tree ; but this couple supposing the divel to be there , ran with all speed away , leaving the hat , coat , knife ▪ keys and moneys behinde , next Sabbath John went to the Parish Church in that hat and coat , but the loser durst never own it . Of a merry Jest at a Wakes . IT hapned that these four Gallants went to a Countrey - Wakes to be merry , where there was much dancing , and Musick ; in the midst of this jollity he spied a young man sitting in a corner , with his hand upon or in a young womans placket , one of his Complices call'd to him , demanding what sign to meet at next , he replied with a loud voice , looking them full in their faces , saying , At the sign of the hand in Placket : At this the Youth removes his hand , Hold , hold , ( ●a●s John ) Friend , if you remove the sign , we shall not know the house ; this caused much laughter through the whole multitude of Guests . How he made Captain Hinde merry when Melancholy . IT fell out suddenly af●er that he came to live with Captain James Hinde his Master , who fell into a great Melancholy , whereupon certain of the Society carried both Master and Man into a Tavern , where was variety of Musick , Wine and good Cheer in abundance , not could not all this avail to make Hinde once for to smile : but his man professed , as he was a true man , an honest man , and a Gentleman , if he could not make his Master laugh , and forsake his humor of Melancholy , his Master should se●k a new man , and he for his own part would seek a new Master within two days : the Musicians went to dinner , John privately carried all their Fiddle-cases into a back-room , and unloo●'d a 〈◊〉 into every one of them : then he call'd for a lesson , that he nor none never heard , but they could not answer his expectation : then he ●aused them to be dismiss'd , and putting up 〈◊〉 Instruments they depart : but ●●fore they went to the Sta●●●●●● , he call'd them again , ●aying , Ihave it , I have it , Come , play it quickly , whilst it is in my minde , Play me , The Case is Altered , or , All-turd ; then they brought forth their Instruments , which was so foully bewrayed , that it caused Captain Hinde to laugh so heartily , and all the whole Company , that they w●r● forc'd to hold him in his Chair : so John had five pounds given him for his pains , for the quick curing of his Master . How he Cheated an Inn-keeper of fourty pounds . THe Merry conceited Mason travelled in the habit , and went by the name of a rich Countrey-Grazier , well known in London , and at such time as he know he was not in London , came into an Inn. calls for Beer , drinks with the Inn-keeper : in comes one of his Complices in the habits of a Drover , stands bare to him , and is very observant ; Why , How now , Ned , says he , what good News hast thon brought ? how far are my cattel off ? what time will they be here to night ? Sir , said Ned , two of the biggest oxen , the brended and the black one are both fallen lame , and it is well if they get to London time enough for the next Market ; than demanded he , if such a Friend of his were come to town , naming a rich Grazier . Ned said no , for some of his were fallen sick also , and he stayed to come along with the cattel ; then he ●●ampt , protesting he must pay one hundred pounds the next day before Sun-set upon bond , and as yet he had but fourscore ; the Inn-keeper by their discourse thought be could not have less then four hundred pounds worth of cattel coming out of the countrey lent him fourty pounds ; he promis'd payment next day , but never came . How he caught a silver Bird of great value JOHN being in London in a gallant garb passing along , espied a silver Flagon standing on a Court-Cupboard , a young Gentlewoman being at door , he pretended his bird flew in , she gave him admitance , be thanked her , but the silver flagon was never heard of . How he Cheated a Grazier's Wife of an Hundred pounds . THe merry conceited Mason being quite out of moneys , in a gallant Garb , travell'd the Countrey to finde out adventures to gain a considerable sum of money in a short time , lodging in an Inn where the greatest booty was likely to be had , drinking his pot , heard the discourse betwixt a Grazier and a farmer , the Grazier had bought cattel of the Farmer that came to 100 l. but had not money , but told the Farmer when he came from home be left word with his wife , that if he bought a bargain , he would send a Messenger for a hundred pounds by such a token , with such a receit with his own hand to it , that it is impossible any should deceive her ; John seeing what hand he writ , and having the tenor of the Receit , gets into a back-room , takes horse , having time by the forelock , comes to the woman , and tells her , that he came from her husband , her husband was well , and lodged in such an Inn , he had bought a great bargain of cattel , and hoped to gain twenty pounds by it , tells her all the tokens : She demands why her husband sent such a one as he was for the moneys 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 himself by a great Gentlemans 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 dwelt there , said , it was because 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 more conscience 〈◊〉 him ●uen 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 other , and that he had deal with him 〈◊〉 hundreds of pounds ; 〈…〉 you this , said he ; 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 said the good wife , and so 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 him an hundred pounds , 〈…〉 , and left 〈…〉 , but never came to 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 any more . How he and his two Complices robb●d a Gentleman and his Man of three hundred pounds , and repaid it again at that time . He and two of his Complices met a Gentleman and his man upon a Plain , that had three hundred pounds in two Port●●●●●● , that they received for Kent , set upon them both , but the serving-man stood at a distance , beholding his Master fight valiantly , crying , Ah , well fought , Master ; Ah , bravely fought , Master ; 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 came to help him ; the Gentle 〈…〉 him for it : so I will , said one ; riding up towards him took away his Portmantue , then beats him with the flat side of his sword , the man cried , You Rogue , do you take away my money , and then beat me ; What , you think to serve me as you did my Master , but I 'le see you hang'd first ; then draws his sword , fought 〈◊〉 , the rest standing amazed the 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 wounded the Chief , so that he 〈◊〉 , then thrust his sword into the Flanck of the horse : then said the Gentleman , being my Man will fight wee 'll try our Fortunes for our moneys : Mason sets upon the Gentleman , the other upon his man , the skirmish was maintained with courage on both sides , that it was doubtful , but his man cuts one of the Thieves over the pate , he tumbles , and was uncapable to fight : turn both sets upon the Masers , 〈◊〉 compelled him to return the moneyes : the Mason requested friendship , and so they agreed not to discover them , carries the worst wounded man behind the Gentlemans Man to an Inn , where they set up their horses and their woman 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 together , and in the 〈◊〉 brake fast together , swore secrecy in each other with promise not to discover them , and the Gentleman never to be rob'd , ride what road he will , using only a by-word . How they rob●d a man of two hundred pounds , and paid it again at six months . Three of these Blades , meeting with a Londoner with two hundred pounds which he went to pay upon bond for stuffe he had received at London , they carried him to a By-house , where they refresh'd themselves ; the Sun growing low , the Londoner call'd for a Reckoning , but the Mason told him he must pay all the mony he had , if it were five hundred pounds be seeing no remedy , said , I hope you are Gentlemen , you will save my life : Yea , said Frith , but see that you do not discover us , so they set him on his horse , conducted him to the road , and so dismiss'd him . How at six months end they were discoverd ABout six months after , the Tradesman walking the streets espied three horses , at a Tavern-door : well-knowing them , to belong to the Robbers , he takes out a writ , employs two Marshals-men to arrest them : besides a Justices Warrant with a Constable and Aid if need required : then he first attaques their horses , a Watch over them , plants his Marshals men in one Room , the Constable and Aid in another , orders them to call for what Wine they like best , and he would pay for all , then goes he in his own person unto these Gentlemen , presents them with a gallon of the best Sack , drinks a merry C●y to them all , gives them many thanks for their last kindnes , they stiffely deny that ever they saw him before , saying , Come let us be gone , and let us know what is to pay ; Gentlemen said the Tradesman , I can tell you ; how can you tell , said they ; Very well , saith he , for you must pay me two hundred pounds that I lent you in such a place , they utterly denied it ; but he shewed them he had seized their horses : and there 〈◊〉 Marshals-men to Arrest you , or if you please , there 〈◊〉 the Constable with a warrant and a guard to carry you before the next Justice : As you was Civil to me so will I be to you , either pay the moneys , or chuse which of the other pleaseth you best , but they finding no other remedie , paid him all his moneys and charges , and gave him a large Colat●or , gain'd promise not to discover them , and he never to be rob'd , and so part to very good friends . How they rob'd a Rich man in the North , and came to London , and Acquitted themselves of the Fact. THere was a Man who dwelt in the North of England , who never married , nor could 〈◊〉 woman , no not his own Sister ; he was exceeding rich , having Chests full of moneys , and kept but a small 〈◊〉 ; To his house five of these resorts , and being troubled in their minds that so much treasure should be hid from the world , contrived how it might be disposed of for the good of many , to do this , one gains Acquaintance with the Serving-man , and oft repairs to the house in his Masters absence : the Master some time after being abroad , he carried his man to the win● , and made him drunk , leads him home , lays him upon the bed , immediately comes the other Five , takes these Instruments , opens the lock● , fills all their Portmantues , locks up the outer door , having first bound the drunken man upon his hed , then came with all speed for London , where it was agre●● , that one should put the rest in prison , 〈◊〉 but a little before the De●sions , the merry conceited Mason apprehends them , accuses them of suspicion of Felony before the Justice , that they had robd him and a North-Countrey gentleman of several sums of money , but there was no Bill found , and they were quit by Proclamation . A Merry Jest of a Trunk worth 600 l. These merry conceited fellows lying in an 〈◊〉 , understood by the Chamberlains worthe there was such a trunk of moneys and plate : they determined the same into their Portmantues , or convey it out , no notice was taken : but when these Blades were in their beds , the Inn-keeper having been deceived before , brought in another trunk just like the real trunk , and conveyed the real trunk into a safer place , giving notice to the Chamberlain not to mind if , they seeing an opportunity , conveyed away the trunk to an house that was privy to their Actions , supposing it by the weight so be the 〈◊〉 , but opening the same , found it stufft with bags of straw , brick-bats , and such stuff , and for garnish they found a large pair of Rame-horns , together with a Rope and butter , at which they were all amazed , knowing it portended their being hanged . How they committed a notable Robbery , and the Merry conceited Mason was taken , imprisoned , and how he escap●d . These Gallants having bad but bad success in the last Enterprise , resolv'd upon a more sure Purchase ; They all went to a Gentlemans house , alights , tells the Porter they had earnest business , and must speak with his Master immediately , they had admitance , leaving one to look to their horses , having their Pistols cockt and hand upon sword , promising to burt no creature , commanding the Gentleman up-stairs , half of them attending him , and took away 500 l. How he was taken and Escap't . A short time after , being committed to prison for a great crime , and so like to suffer , the assizes being near , where some of his Complices came to see him , invited him to drink , the Cellar being without the prison , his friends takes their leave , he 〈◊〉 two horses bridled and sadled , gets upon one of them , and so went over into Ireland . FINIS . 
A85877	----	Walk knaves, walk. A discourse intended to have been spoken at court and now publish'd for the satisfaction of all those that have participated of the svveetness of publike employments. By Hodg Tvrbervil, chaplain to the late Lord Hevvson. Gayton, Edmund, 1608-1666. This text is an enriched version of the TCP digital transcription A85877 of text R9985 in the English Short Title Catalog (Thomason E993_14). Textual changes and metadata enrichments aim at making the text more computationally tractable, easier to read, and suitable for network-based collaborative curation by amateur and professional end users from many walks of life. The text has been tokenized and linguistically annotated with MorphAdorner. The annotation includes standard spellings that support the display of a text in a standardized format that preserves archaic forms ('loveth', 'seekest'). Textual changes aim at restoring the text the author or stationer meant to publish. This text has not been fully proofread Approx. 32 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 11 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. EarlyPrint Project Evanston,IL, Notre Dame, IN, St. Louis, MO 2017 A85877 Wing G421 Thomason E993_14 ESTC R9985 99873641 99873641 168664 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A85877) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 168664) Images scanned from microfilm: (Thomason Tracts ; 148:E993[14]) Walk knaves, walk. A discourse intended to have been spoken at court and now publish'd for the satisfaction of all those that have participated of the svveetness of publike employments. By Hodg Tvrbervil, chaplain to the late Lord Hevvson. Gayton, Edmund, 1608-1666. [2], 18 p. s.n., London : printed in the year, 1659. Hodg Turbervil is a pseudonym for Edmund Gayton. Formerly Wing (2nd ed.) T3260. Title page bears ornament. Annotation on Thomason copy: "August 1". Reproductions of the originals in the Henry E. Huntington Library and Art Gallery, and the British Library. eng English wit and humor -- Early works to 1800. Civil service -- Great Britain -- Humor -- Early works to 1800. Great Britain -- Officials and employees -- Early works to 1800. A85877 R9985 (Thomason E993_14). civilwar no Walk knaves, walk.: A discourse intended to have been spoken at court and now publish'd for the satisfaction of all those that have partici Gayton, Edmund 1659 6194 21 0 0 0 0 0 34 C The rate of 34 defects per 10,000 words puts this text in the C category of texts with between 10 and 35 defects per 10,000 words. 2007-03 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2007-04 Apex CoVantage Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2007-05 Robyn Anspach Sampled and proofread 2007-05 Robyn Anspach Text and markup reviewed and edited 2008-02 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion Walk KNAVES , walk . A DISCOURSE Intended to have been spoken at COURT And now publish'd for the satisfaction of all those that have participated of the svveetness of publike Employments . BY HODG TVRBERVIL , Chaplain to the late LORD HEVVSON . Si populus vult decipi decipiatur ▪ London , Printed in the year , 1659. GOOD COUNSEL AGAINST COLD WEATHER . Beloved Brethren , THough my profession of a Cordwinder be something unsuitable to this Teaching-Calling , yet my Text is not ; I have served seven years Apprentiship in the one , and full as many in the other ; so as being a Journeyman to both , I hope my words will deserve your attention and patience , for whose sakes I have travelled many a weary mile , and am now come hither purposely to instruct you , making choice of these words for my Text , Hewson 1. 2 ▪ Now because the times are bad , and the Winter draws near , ( as the old Translation hath it ) therefore buy ye wax Boots . But if we follow the New Translation , according to that of our learned Mo●o●ulist and noble Commander Coll. Hewson , who is known to be the best and the ablest Translator of our Profession now living , we shall find the fore-going part of the text far more agreeing with the coherence of the words then the other : Now because ( saith he ) the times are dangerous , and the Winter approaches , therefore &c. Or as he hath it more elegantly in his learned Comment upon Crispine de Acte Vampandi , Chap. 18. Now because the times are wavering , and the winter of our troubles steals upon us , therefore plunder ye , [ mark that beloved , 't is a sweet expression ▪ and full of comfort ] therefore plunder ye waxed Boots ; As if he should say , Now because the times are fickle , because the times are wavering , uncertain , perilous , inconstant and changeable as the Moon : And in the second place , Because the winter drawes near , because cold weather approaches ( in which we are like to find cold comfort if we be not prepared beforehand against it ) or rather ( as in another place he hath it ) because the Winter of our troubles steals hastily upon us , and the wicked begin to domineer over us , let us be even with the winter and the wicked too , and steal as fast from them as they do upon us , which is warranted by these words in the latter part of the text , Therefore plunder ye , &c. But we will follow the old translation of Crispine , who was too honest to plunder , therefore ( saith he ) Buy ye waxed Boots . In which words observe these parts : 1. The time present . 2. The condition of the times . 3. The season of the times . 4. The benefit or use we should make of the times ▪ 1. The time present , Now . 2. The condition of the times , They are dangerous , uncertain , wavering &c. 3. The season of the times , The Winter approaches : Now because , &c. 4. The benefit or use we should make of the times , Therefore buy ye , &c. First of the time briefly , Now , now at present , now whilst it is time , whilst you have an opportunity to get money from the Malignant party ; now ( even now ) before they rise up again , and force you to flye for refuge to some neighbour Nation ; provide you of Materials to do it ; take from them their Horses , Armour ; nay such blessings as neither you nor your fathers before you could either purchase or enjoy , their waxed boots ; and this leads me to the second thing considerable : The condition of the times , They are bad , dangerous , uncertain and wavering , &c. If the times be bad now , what will they be hereafter ? Beloved , Man is a little world , the world is round , and so are we ; the world is an hollow and empty thing , so are we ; the world hath his times and seasons , his Winters and and Summers , his Dayes and Nights , so hath man ; he hath times of gettings , and his times of losings ; his Sommers of pleasure , and his Winters of heaviness ; his Dayes of joy , and his Nights of sorrow : Seeing then all these sub●unary things are thus transitory and wavering , let us lay hold of whatsoever stands before us , let us take all things that comes in our way , furnishing our selves cape-a-pee , with the goods of the ungodly , implyed in these words , Therefore plunder ye , &c. and this brings me to the third Motive that should perswade , or rather invite us to do it , Because the winter appreaches . Now because the times are bad , and the winter approaches , therefore buy ye wax'd Boots . Beloved , all creatures by natural instinct are taught to provide and lay up provision against Winter ; the little Ant stacks up Corn ; the laborious Bee layes up Honey against the cold Winter approaches ; and will it not be a shame , nay a great shame beloved , for man who is a reasonable creature , and hath more strength and discretion then ten thousand Ants or Bees put them all together ; I say , Will it not be a most abominable shame for him to be sent to the silly Ants and Bees for instruction , whilst he like the simple Grashopper hops and skips away the summer of his dayes in vanity and idleness , and afterwards in the winter of years is forced to perish and starve for want of food ? O beloved , rather do any thidg then starve ; the Proverb saith , Poverty is the mother of misery , therefore it is good to provide & lay up something against a rainy day . Now what season is more rainy then the Winter season ? and what is more seasonable at that time , what better fence in the world for our feet against the rain , wet and cold , then a pair of waxed Boots ? therefore buy ye if ye have money , plunder ye if ye have none , ( for it matters not how you come by them so you have them ) waxed boots . So now I am come to the fourth and last thing , the benefit and use we should make of the times : Buy waxed boots , therefore buy ye waxed boots . Where note , that the adverb therefore , is an adverb of connexion ▪ for here it joins the winter and the boots together ▪ Now beloved , since I have taken the boots in hand , give me leave to stitch them up in few words , telling you first how many sorts of boots there are ; and next what manner of boots those be which are required here in my text . For the better explanation of which words , you are to take notice that there are eight several sorts of boots , I will run over them briefly , because I see the time hastens : I say beloved , there are several sorts of boots ▪ First your Dutch boots , they are a people that will not put on a boot which is not as well liquored as themselves ; from whence I gather this Observation , That drunken men love drunken boots . Secondly , there is your French boots ; O defie them brethren , defie them , they are abominably contaminated with the disease of their countrey ; how many whole congregations of ours have they already infected with it ? VVitness that lamentable snivelling and snuffling which of late hath spread it selfe through the bridgefallen Noses of our ablest teachers , for which no other reason in the world can be given then their riding the Sisters in these French Pockey boots : Here by the way give me leave to tell you the several names of this Disease ; Some call it Morbus Neapolitanus , and Morbus Gallicus : First , it is called the Neapolitan Disease , or the Disease of Naples ; for it is observed by our wisest Physicians , that ever since Naples commidities came over into England , this disease hath been very busie amongst us . Others say it came by another Italian trick , and that it was brought over by advice of Nich. Machavil in a Florence sil● Petticoat , under which device it hath continued ever since ; therefore beloved have a care ▪ how you meddle with forreign VVenches Petticoats ▪ Latit Anguis in herba : that is that Serpent the Devil lurks in their holes , and the Pox under their Petticoats . Next it is called Morbus Gallicus , and not unfitly , for Gallicus signifies a Cock , and Morbus a Disease , that is , as much as to say , the Disease of the cock ; and truly it is well known , that the cock is the first part ▪ that is infected with this disease : But some will say , VVhat do you tell us a story of a cock and a bull ? VVhy verily beloved , a good cock is a good thing ; and bulls leather is good leather to make waxed boots of ; which brings me to the third sort of Leather , your Rusha boots . Fourthly , there is your Spanish Leather boots . Fifthly , your Calves Leather Essex boots . Sixthly , your Slints skin , or abortive Parchment boots . Seventhly , there is your Hell-cart , or Coach-boat . Eighthly and lastly , there is your right English Neats . Leather boot , which is the boot intended here in my text for the VVinter waxed boot : Now because the times are bad , &c. therefore , &c. So now having shewn you how many several sorts of boots there are , give me leave likewise to shew you how to distinguish the good from the bad , ( because I will not warrant all of our Profession to be honest men , since I know some who can stretch their consciences beyond their Last or their Leather ) therefore that you may not be deceived in your choice of a perfect winter boot , you are to observe these four qualities . 1. The Grain of the Boot . 2. The length of the Boot . 3. The well joining & sowing of the Boot . 4. The waxing of the Boot . First ' the Grain of the boot ; beloved , there are several sorts of Grains , there are your Grains of Corn , your Grains of Mustard-seed , your Beer and Malt Grains , &c. Next there is your good and Physical Grains . Thirdly , there is your Granum vivens sensibile , your living sensible Grains , ( of which sort I fear here are too many in this Congregation ) that is , your Knaves in Grain . And lastly , there is your Leather Grain , ( the principal here intended ) which if it be close and compact , stiff and shining , you may be assured ( of the first thing observable ) that your Leather is good . The next thing considerable , is the joyning and well sowing of the boot ; By joyning , you are to understand the even cutting and proportioning of the tops to the upper part , and the vampings to the lower part of the legs of the boots . This properly belongeth to the Master , but the other of sowing or stitching belongs to his Servant . Now in sowing or stitching , you are to take notice , that you are not to sowe boots as you sowe Corn , ( in which he is accounted the best workman who scatters and disperseth his grain best ) but you must sowe your stitches close together , first on the inside , next on the outside , if ever you mean to have your Boots go thorow stitch , and hold out water when the Winter comes , and the wayes are heavy and durty . Thirdly , look to the length of your boots ; Brethren , a long boot hath these commodities . First , it will keep warm , and cover that which hath covered many a Commodity . Next it will preserve you from fretting and galling between the legs , ( a disease which many a dear Sister is troubled with , proceeding from the same cause though in a different manner ) the man by hard riding , to the woman by being too hard ridden . A third commodity belonging to long boots is this ; that if the vampings fail , the leather shrinks , or the seames crack , yet they may be often mended , and the boots still do good service , which reason alone ( if the two former are not prevalent ) are enough to perswade you to buy long waxed boots . Fourthly and lastly , you must observe the waxing of the boot , in which you are to take notice , first of the matter , wax ; and next of the manner , how to wax your winter boots . First of the matter wax : Beloved there are three several sorts of wax . Hard wax , soft wax , and Bees-wax . The first is used for letters , the seond for Bonds or Indentures : But soft here , me thinks I here some one amongst you object and say , If soft wax be commonly used for Indentures , why may it not more properly be used for such boots as we commonly make Indentures in , when you and I , ( and many more here amongst us ) come late home from Taverns and Tippling houses ? To this I answer , that such boots ought rather to be termed Dutch liquored-boots , than waxed boots ; since the head and the feet do ever sympathize , so as the one cannot properly be said to be full of liquor , except the other bear a share with it also . I rather believe these boots are made of some Horses skin that died of the staggers . The third and last sort of wax , is Bees-wax , the only wax you are to use for your winter boots ; ah but you will say , how shall I use this wax that you so much approve of for winter boots : why , you must know that this wax in the waxing of boots is not to be used simply , but compounded with hard tallow , which brings me to the last thing you are to observe , that is , the manner of waxing your winter boot . Beloved , you are first to melt hard tallow with this wax , then you are to annoint and chase in these ingredients by a good fire , at three several times , because once or twice will not be enough , by reason of the driness of the new boot , which will soak up the first and second time , whatsoever you lay upon it ▪ I say therefore you must do it at least three several times , if you mean to have a perfect and sure well waxed winter boot . So having now run in my boots through all the parts of my Text , and taken pains to give you many weighty reasons why you ought all of you to be provide of waxed boots . First because of the times , they are bad . Secondly , dangerous . Thirdly , uncertain . Fourthly , The Winter approacheth , &c. Next also I have given you Observations and Instructions , that you may not be deceived in your choice of a winter boot , but may easily discover it ; First by the grain , Secondly , by the well soweing . Thirdly , by the length : Fourthly , and lastly , by the waxing ; and also taught you the several Sorts of Wax , and how in what manner you should wax your wintered Boots . Give me leave out of the former part of the Text , to raise this Doctrine : That , Bad times require good boots . I say bad times require good boots : because the times are bad , and the Winter , &c. therefore , &c. I shall explain my self to you brethren , briefly thus . I say , bad times require good boots ; for verily beloved , the times are bad , very bad , and are like every day , for ought I see , to grow worse and worse ; so as I fear , we must all of us e're long , be forced to fly for our Religion . Now beloved , whither shall we fly ? Marry 't is a Question worth your answering , but I doubt there are few or none here , that know how to resolve me in it ; for verily I am as yet to seek my self , where to run or hide my head , should the malignant party prevail . But perhaps , some will cry out and say , we will fly to New England , another he is for Geneva , another he is for a nearer place then both these , he wil away to Amsterdam . Truely beloved , I must confesse , I cannot but approve of this place for the best , being it is not only the nearest , but the safest , and hath ever in former times , been found to be the only Nurse and Sanctuary , for all such as are like them , Dispisers of Royal Government , and Self-forms of Prayers . But here will one object , and say . Is not this an Island wherein we now live , ( I had almost said wherein we now dwell , but alas ! if the times change , here will be no habitation for us : ) and is not this Island encompassed round with a great Sea , will not all our shipping then be taken from us , how then shall we get over to Amsterdam ; or what good then will our wax'd boots do us ? Beloved ; this weak Objection , is easily answered thus . 'T is true , that England is an Island encompassed with the Sea . 'T is true , there will be no travelling out of it by Land , and it will likely prove as true , ( if the wicked prevail ) that our Navy will be taken from us . But O thou inconsiderate fool ! whosoever thou art that raisest this idle objection , ) hast thou not the more need of waxed boots to passe through this Sea ? hast thou not great and rough Waters to wade over , before thou canst arrive at thy Journeys end ? Now if thy boots be long enough , ( which as I told you before ; you must be sure to observe , before you buy them for this purpose ) and the Seams strong and well-waxed , so as they will hold out water , which you ought first to make tryal of , by wading in them over the Thames , from the Parliament-stairs to Lambeth , or from White Hall to Stangate , ( for one of these wayes we must all fly if the Cavaliers prevail ) you need not be afraid afterward to go over with them , to any part beyond the Seas . So as methinks , this also should be another strong motive , to perswade us to buy strong and long waxed boots . But here some incredulous and fearful brother , will make a scruple , and say : should we grant you , that it may be possible for us , to passe over the Sea in waxed boots ; yet how shall we do now the Winter is come on , the days short , but the Night and our Journeys very dark and long ? I say , how shall we doe in these dismal and obscure nights , to find our way , through so pathlesse and uncertain an Element as the Sea is ? O beloved be not dismayed , be not cast down with fear ! take you no care for that . Have we not a good and glorious General gon before us , and with the beams of his bright shining Countenance , will like the Sun , disperse those dark shades that doth cover the Waters . He is our Leader , our Guide by day , and our Lamp by night , who hath carried a living fire in the Lanthorn of his beak ; which neither the highest Winds can put out , nor the greatest Waves extinguish , because it will ever continue the same , so long as the Splendor of it endureth . But we will leave generals , and come to particulars , for I fear I have been too tedious in illustrating this Doctrine , wherefore I will only passe to an use or two , and so conclude . The first is an use of consolation or comfort . Is it so , That waxed boots will preserve us from the cold ; is it so that with waxed boots , we may passe through thick and thin ; Nay , through Seas of Troubles , why , what a great comfort and consolation is it , for all those who have occasion to travail through bad and sad ways , to be provided of waxed boots . Beloved , there are ( as I shewed you before ) your Summer and your Winter boots . In the one you may travail reasonably well , all the yeer long , provided your ways , and the journey be accordingly . As for example : If you have occasion to ride your Newmarket ways , your Bansted Down wayes , your Tiptry Heath wayes , or your Salisbury plain wayes , then these Summer boots will carry you through ; these will preserve you well enough , provided no raine from above , or durt , mire , and waters from beneath , do not offend or molest you . But should you have occasion in the Winter time to travel , your Essex wayes , your Dunmow wayes , your High Suffolk , Farningham Castle wayes , or those most abominable dirty , miry , and watry Wishbeech , or Ely Fenny wayes ; O in what a fine case would your Summer boots be , when they have been well washed in those filthy ways . How will they shrink together like parchment against the Fire . Therefore buy you waxed boots . And this puts me in mind of a merry , but a real story , that I have heard from a credible person , who I am confident would not tell an untruth , of a certain young Gentleman , living not far from Newmarket , who was a Suiter ▪ to a fair Lady , dwelling at Cholchester in the County of Essex . Now this young Gallant , having never before , travelled five miles from his Fathers House , ( imagined the same the Citizens Wife did , who having never in her life time been out of London , would needs perswade her Husband , that though she had but twenty miles to ride , and it was a rainy day , yet they two might ride safe and dry all the way , under the Penthouses : ) So this spruce Blade , thinking all the World was heath ground , though it was in the depth of Winter , and his man perswaded him to put on his Winter boots , he would not go thither in any but a pair of thin Calves leather Essex boots , alledging this reason for it , That he new his Mistresse would love him the better , when she see he came to court her , in a pair of her own Country boots . Whereupon , he sets forward on his Journey ; but mark Beloved what followed ; he had not gone above half his way , before he took such an excessive cold on his Feet , that he was forced to alight at a poor blind Alehouse , at a place called Black Chappel , within three miles of Dunmow , where he had no sooner got a fire made , and his boots ( which hung about him like Chitterlins , with much adoe pulled of ) but he fell into a violent Ague , and was immediately compelled to take his bed , where he remained many days after . But I had almost forgot to tell you , that the poor Alehouse Keeper , where this Gentleman lay sick , did keep in his house a young water Spaniel , which he had newly taught to fetch and carry ; this wanton unlucky Whelp , seeking about the house in the midst of the Night , for some bones to eat , lights upon the Gentlemans boots , which he no sooner meets with , but being desirous to put in practise , what his Master had so lately taught him , he takes first one boot , and afterwards another , and carryes them into the entry : where finding them wet and soft , instead of playing the Cur , falls to tearing them , and in short time pulled and knawed them into many peices . Now it chanced , that in the morning early , before it was light , the Old mans Wife ( who also dressed tripes for to get a living ) was called up by a Butcher , who brought her some inwards of a Beast fot the same purpose , which she had no sooner received , but returning back through the entry , she unhappily stumbled upon the Gentlemans mangled boots , so as letting fall what she had in her hands upon them , groping in the dark , she took up all together , and carrying them into the Kitchin , ( without lighting a Candle ) first cut , and then washed and dressed them all together , and having afterwards well boyled the boots , amongst the rest in a Kettle , which over night she had set over the fire for the same purpose , she cast them into her sowcing Tub , where for a while we will leave them , and tell you what become of our sick Gentleman . Beloved , this Gentleman within few days after , began to recover , and waxed very hungry , so as calling his Landlord , to know what meat he had in the House ; Truely Sir ( quoth he ) we have nothing but a dish of Tripes of my Wives one dressing , which if you please to have , they shall be made ready immediately . Well! well they are accepted of , and brought to the Gentleman , who sitting up in his bed , did feed heartily , till such time as taking up a piece of thin , long , lean Tripe ( as he supposed ) and finding a string jagged about the edge of one side of it , he called up his Landlady , and desired to know what part of the beast that was ? the Poor woman searching it , and distrusting what it was , but not dreaming how it should come there , without speaking one word , runs down Stairs into the Kitchin , where she was no sooner come to search for the Gentlemans boots , she finds the puppy dog tearing of the Vampings , which he had lately transformed them into Slippers . In the mean time the Gentleman would not be satisfied , but calls for her again to answer his question , who as soon as she was come to him ▪ he again demands of her , what part of the inside of the beast that was , he held in his hand . The poor woman , though fearful and trembling , yet wittily replyed , that she beleived it to be rather a part of the out-side , then the in-side of the beast , meaning the hide , and begging pardon for her carle●nesse , and the dogs wantonnesse , desired his worship to forgive them both , telling him plainly , that that peece he shewed her , was a peece of his worships boots , and that the threads , that looked like a purl or edging upon the tripe , was nothing but the jags of the Shoomakers ends which hung about it . The Gentleman at this accident , one while laughing , and another while fretting , caused the old man to ride away speedily to Chelmsford , for a strong pair of waxed boots , but what with his delay , ( by reason of his sicknesse , and afterwards for want of boots ) to visit his Mistris , whom he promised to have seen a week before ; ) she imputing his long stay , rather to a neglect and slighting of her , than his present misfortune , immediately contracted her self to another , who had formerly been a Servant to her , and at his coming discarded him , by which means he lost his Mistris , his labour , his boots , and had like to have lost his life too , had he not happily recovered . O beloved ! let this sad example be a Caveat for all you who have Mistresses , to have a care of wearing Tripes , when you ride a wooing , least you be served like this infortunate Gentleman , who for want of a pair of waxed boots ▪ was first cast into an Ague , next had his boots cast into the Tripe tub ; and lastly , was himself quite and clean cast out of his Mistresses favour . Therefore buy ye waxed boots ; which brings me to the second use . The second use is an use of Reproof ; to reprove all those who are self-willed , and cannot fairly be perswaded to buy them waxed boots . But to such as these , examples move more than precepts , wherefore I will only give you one or two more , and so I will make an end , for fear of tiring your patience . I read of Alexander the Great , that passing over a River in Alexandria , without his Winter boots , he took such an extreme Cold in his Feet , that he suddenly fell sick of a violent Feaver , and within four dayes after dyed at Babylon . The like I find in Plutarchs Lives , of that noble Roman Sextorius , and also in Homer of Achilles , that leaving his boots behind him , and comming barefoot into the Temple of Pallas , whilest he was worshipping on his knees ▪ at her Altar , he was peirced into the Heel , with a venom'd Dart by Paris , ( the part only of him which was vulnerable , ) of which he suddenly dyed , which accident had never happened to him , ( as Alexander Rosse , that little Scotch Mithologist observes ) had he not two days before , pawned his boots to Ulisses , and so was forced to come without them to the Trojan Sacrifice . He also further observes , that that Achilles ( of whom Homer hath writ such wonders ) was but a Shoomakers boy of Greece , and that when Ulisses sought him out , he at last found him at the Distaffe , spinning of Shoomakers thread ; now this Boy was so beloved , that as soon as it was reported abroad , that the Oracle had chosen him to rule the Grecians , and conquer Troy , all the Journeymen in the Country , listed themselves under him , and these were the Mermydons wherewith he got all his Honor , and overcame the Trojans . But what need I mention forraign stories , being my self an Eye-witnesse of the lamentable ends many Suffolk men , in the Seige of Cholchester , who being forced to keep Centry in that wet and boggy Country , ( during which Seige , it was generally observed for thirteen weeks , not a day passed , in which much rain did not fall ) I say these poor Country Wretches , were forced to stand up to the kneesday and night , in Cold , Dirt , Mire , and Wet ; insomuch , that for want of waxed boots , many of them dyed suddenly , others had their Legs rotted off ; many their feet gangreened , and after was cut off ; and few or none , but had Ulcers , Boyls , and Iuflamamations , breaking out upon them . Alas ! alas ! what would these poor Cripples do to run away , should the Times change , and the Malignants prevail over us ? How must they be forced to bestir their Stumps for want of Legs , to escape the Enemy ? This one comfort they will have above us , that whensoever they are taken by the Wicked , they will not find them stand complementing , or making legs for pardon ; but they shall rather find them down upon their Knees , begging mercy and forgivenesse of them , whose persons they have turned out of their possessions , and whose houses these lame Creatures , have for these many yeers , converted into Spittles and Hospitals . Thus I have shewn you what became of three great Princes , and of many poor Englishmen , who perish'd in these late Wars , for want of waxed boots . I should here give you an account , how and in what manner , you should know the right shape and fashion of a Winter boot : and likewise shew you , what manner of Heels are the best , the most suitable and serviceable for you against running or flying times , I shall only name them at present . Beloved , your Polony heel is good ▪ your Wooden heels better , but those of Corke the best of all ; for then will it be needful for you to make trial of a pair of High heels , and indeed you will then , and then only , have occasion to run , as though you ran for a wager ; and for this use , your Corke heels are found by experience to be the best and highest in the World . Lastly , I should have taught you the art of repairing , stitching , vamping , underlaying , and mending of your boots , and should likewise have shewed you how to choose the Soles of your boots ; and also in a word have applyed these things to the good use of your bodies ; but that I see the Glasse is run ▪ and the time hath prevented me , I must be forced to make an end , concluding with the words of my Text , Now because the times are bad , and Winter draws neer , therefore buy you Waxed Boots . FINIS . 
A59997	----	VVits labyrinth, or, A briefe and compendious abstract of most witty, ingenious, wise, and learned sentences and phrases together with some hundreds of most pithy, facetious and patheticall complementall expressions / collected, compiled and set forth for the benefit, pleasure or delight of all, but principally the English nobility and gentry by J.S., gent. Shirley, James, 1596-1666. This text is an enriched version of the TCP digital transcription A59997 of text R10940 in the English Short Title Catalog (Wing S3494). Textual changes and metadata enrichments aim at making the text more computationally tractable, easier to read, and suitable for network-based collaborative curation by amateur and professional end users from many walks of life. The text has been tokenized and linguistically annotated with MorphAdorner. The annotation includes standard spellings that support the display of a text in a standardized format that preserves archaic forms ('loveth', 'seekest'). Textual changes aim at restoring the text the author or stationer meant to publish. This text has not been fully proofread Approx. 75 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 32 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. EarlyPrint Project Evanston,IL, Notre Dame, IN, St. Louis, MO 2017 A59997 Wing S3494 ESTC R10940 13788360 ocm 13788360 101815 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A59997) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 101815) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 849:23) VVits labyrinth, or, A briefe and compendious abstract of most witty, ingenious, wise, and learned sentences and phrases together with some hundreds of most pithy, facetious and patheticall complementall expressions / collected, compiled and set forth for the benefit, pleasure or delight of all, but principally the English nobility and gentry by J.S., gent. Shirley, James, 1596-1666. [6], 53, [1] p. Printed for M. Simmons, London : 1648. Ascribed to James Shirley. Cf. Wing. Errata: p. [1] at end. Reproduction of original in Huntington Library. eng Aphorisms and apothegms. Quotations, English. English wit and humor. A59997 R10940 (Wing S3494). civilwar no VVits labyrinth. Or, A briefe and compendious abstract of most witty, ingenious, wise, and learned sentences and phrases. Together with some Shirley, James 1648 13576 11 0 0 0 0 0 8 B The rate of 8 defects per 10,000 words puts this text in the B category of texts with fewer than 10 defects per 10,000 words. 2003-03 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2003-04 SPi Global Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2003-06 John Latta Sampled and proofread 2003-06 John Latta Text and markup reviewed and edited 2003-08 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion VVits Labyrinth . OR , A briefe and compendious Abstract of most witty , ingenious , wise , and learned SENTENCES and PHRASES . Together with some hundreds of most pithy , facetious , and patheticall , complementall Expressions . Collected , compiled , and set forth for the benefit , pleasure , or delight of all , but principally the English Nobility and GENTRY . Aut prodesse , aut delectare potest . By I. S. GENT. LONDON , Printed for M. Simmons , 1648. TO The Illustrious and Generous , the Nobility and Gentry of the Kingdom of England . I. S. wisheth all encrease of Honour , Happinesse , and Prosperity . Right Honourable , I Know it will appear strange & preposterous , to many , to see a Poem of this nature , in these distracted and confused times ( when scarce the iron hand of Warre is ceast : but like a fearefull and prodigious Commet stil hangs over us , threatning ruine and destruction to this royall Kingdome ) set forth to the view and Censure of the World . For , noble Gentlemen , I must ingenuously confesse , it had beene much more sutable to the Times , had it had its birth in our Halcyon dayes , when blest peace and prosperity reigned in our happy Albion : but since 't is so unhappy to breathe life in this unnaturall age , let it begge your favourable and candid censures : not of Abortive , but a Posthumus . And now to vindicate my self from foule detraction , which the envious and carying Zoylusses & Momusses of all ages ( by their virulent tongues & pens , to prejudice and traduce the workes of others ) have too frequently , but most falsely cast upon Writers : I shall endeavour to give you some satisfactory reasons of publishing this my Pamphlet . As first , because I never heard or read of any booke of this subject , set forth in the English tongue , although in all other languages they are most frequent . The next is for the benefit , pleasure , or delight of the Reader , especially now in these sad and disconsolate times , it being a great refreshment , and recreation to the minde of man , ( by way of divertion ) to take him off from the consideration of these danger-threatning times , and entertaine his thoughts , sometimes with sweete variety of matter , according to that saying : Interpone tuis , interdum gaudea curis , ut posses animo , quemvis sufferre laborem . And lastly , although this Poem is but a collection of divers sentences , phrasers , &c. as appeareth in the Title , ( not methodically composed or digested ) it being unpossible in a subject of this nature , so to doe ) but promiscously intermixt with variety and delight ) which many yeares since in times of my better prosperity . I gathered out of some hundreds of Authors , never having the least thought of putting it to Presse . Yet now , by the importunity , or rather the commands of some noble friends , to whose endearements for their noble favours , I owe my gratitude : I have adventured , or rather presumed , ( under your noble patronage and protection ) to put it into print : And noble Gentlemen , let mee indulge your favours , not to reade it with prejudicate opinions , for then I know you will doome it to scorne and your contempt : but that you will behold it , with a gracious and favourable aspect , rather pittying then censuring the Author ; and where you finde it worthlesse and unusefull , you would bury it in the Ocean of your goodness , thereby you will oblige me for to be , Your Honours in all humble observance and duty , I. S. A Briefe and compendious abstract of most witty , Ingenious , wise , and learned SENTENCES and PHRASES . Vertue illustrates true Nobility . Bounty and mercy grace Nobility . Bounti 's the badge of true Nobility . Reputation is the soule of Honour . THE sicknesse of the bodie , oft-times proves physick to the soule . Afflictions are preparatives for grace . Vertu 's more worth , then all the hidden treasures of the earth . Mercie 's the object of a Christian . Sinne and grace are incompatible . This world 's a moment to eternity . All earthly treasures are but vanities . Heaven is the object of the soule of man . Content is the crown of earthly happinesse . Vertue and grace runne parallel with Heaven . All qualities that spring from vertue , have their reward . Where beauty is , there needs no other plea . Riches are lent for to relieve the poor . He that relieves the poor , gives almes to Heaven . Bounty and liberality consists , not in feasting the rich , but feeding the poore . Hee that contemns the poore may forget Heaven . The rich mans bounty , is the poore mans Exchequer . To feede the hungry , cloath the naked , and relieve the poore , is a Sacrifice heaven is well pleased with . The sicknesse of age is avarice , the errours of youth profanenesse . The memory of past misfortunes augments the present happinesse . Revenge sweetens disgrace . Innocence is the safest armour . Storms divided abate their force . Melancholy is the nurse of frenzie . Worth should ever be admired , and vertue lov'd . Conquests hard got , are sweete and glorious . Let vertue be the object of your will . Desperate torments must have desperate cures . Mans greatest extreamity , is Heavens best opportunity . Grant mee gracious heaven , the head of Solomon , and the heart of David . He is Master of any mans life , that contemnes his owne . Whosoever writes a modern history , and follows truth too neare the heeles , it may chance strike out his teeth . No man can so change himself , but that his heart may bee sometimes seene at his tongues end . The minde ought to have reason , to remember , that passion ought to be her vassall , not her Master . Hee 's of a poore spirit that declines every mans anger . The covetous man relishes any thing that comes of free cost . Money comes neere the nature of a spirit it is so subtle , it opens lockes , drawes curtaines , buyes wit , sells honestly . Affection flowes uncompelled . Your feares abuse you . Shew not a guilt of so much weakenesse in you . It is in vaine to interrupt our fate . What is decreed above , becomes not mortalls to dispute . Redeeme your selfe to liberty againe . Ambition like a torrent ne're lookes back . Ambition is the last affection a great minde can put off . Let not faith seeme cheaper for springing out of penitence . The dignity of truth is lost by much protesting , few are vertuous when reward 's away . They are petty crimes are punish't , great rewarded . Attempts begun with danger , still end with glory . As crimes doe grow , justice should rowze her selfe . Better thy fortunes should forsake thee , then thy vertues . Let falshood flee thy breast . Let not hatred harbour in thy bosome . Adde not to the ill you have done , Resolution ever waits the noble mind . Obey necessity , and lick the Lyons feet till happier times . By your delayes , you hasten miseries . Betray not your selfe to filthy lust , or base contempt . Let revenge sleepe . Laugh not at aged sorrow . Destract not from your self . Sell not your liberty . Sell not your soul for such a vanity as eye-pleasing beauty . Make tryall of your vertues . No hell so low , which lust and women cannot lead unto . Into how sad a toyle ambition and swift ryot run into , when mean content sits low , happy and secure . No course that 's violent , can be secure . Smooth runs the brooke , whereas the streame is deepest . The Foxe barks not , when he would steal the lamb . As opposite to every good , as truth and falshood . The smallest worm will turne , being troden on . Things ill got , have ever bad successe . The common people are like summer flies . Suspition alwayes haunts the guilty mind . The world 's a theatre of theft , great rivers rob the smaller brooks , and them the Ocean . Close as a Usurers purse . Let reason cleer your sight . Let not time out-strip you . Delay draws on danger . Most things are what they seeme , not as they be , all is opinion . Sometimes at a banquet , more ground is got , then at a bloody battle . Nature will never violate her selfe . Were it a tempest in a showr of gold , I would endure it . One ill succeeds another , untill the mouth of mischiefe be made up . Gold can make hard the softest conscience . Ascribe not that to merit , which was meer fortune . Rub not old wounds , to bleed againe . Adde not affliction to misery . Wound not reputation so Be a friend to truth . It 's a meere comment of your owne . Fortune is blind , and sees not wher 's desert . Bootlesse is complaint where there 's no remedy . Love being resisted , growes impatient . Fortune is yet your friend . Time is the author , both of truth and right . Time is the child of truth . Violence leaps forth like Thunder , wrapt in a bal of fire . Seek not to encrease your sorrow . Nourish not jealous thoughts . Beauty invites temptation . Rouze up your sleeping vertue . I am circled round with danger , and no hope left to redeeme me . They are empty men that trumpet their owne deserts . You trumpet your owne shame . A Virgins speech must always be ushered with fear My very thoughts ( I hope ) are wing'd with innocence . I must exact your utmost care in this . From a pure spring , sweet rivers ever flow . Gold 's not too dear a sollary for such a hazard . Burst not with envy . Vertue 's turn'd hand-maid to blind fortune . Honest simplicity and truth are the agents I 'le employ . I wish my secret thoughts lay open to discovery . It 's no time now to play with your good fortune . Equall nature made us all of one mould ▪ 'T is not fortune , but your folly . You shall runne no such hazard . Torment me not with expectation . I desire not my deepe designes . True loves a servant , brutish lust a tyrant . Duty must not assume the name of merit . I am paid for all my sufferings . Have all your wishes . Disdaine not vertue though clad in rags . Y' are drunke with a false opinion of your owne worth . Thinke not with Giant arms to fathom earth . Flatter not your selfe with such false hopes . Redeeme the forfeit of your fault . A free confession of a fault wins pardon . Laugh not at danger . Let not your joy oppresse you . Play not with anger , that will consume you . 'T is above wonder , undeard of violence . All my poore fortunes are at stake , and I must run the hazard . I have long fed on the bread of sorrow . Comfort 's a stranger to me . The amazed Sunne hides his face behind a maske of clouds . In my sufferings , all sorrow 's comprehended . These are but Chymera's of your jealous feares . I have not faith enough for to believe you . I must not credit impossibilities . The torrent of your joyes will o're-whelme you . Temperance is the Queen of vertues . You describe a wonder a rare temper . You wrack me beyond patience . Cherish desert in all . I walk upon a bridge of glasse . I would not live slave to jealousie for the world . Such cruelty would force a savage to compassion . Men pitty beasts of rapine , if o're-matcht . You beare it with a Saint-like patience . Adde not fuell to that fire that burnes too hot already . Where cruelty reignes , there dwells nor love nor honour . Will you assist me in my undertakings . It falls not in the compasse of my understanding . Be not transported thus with grife and sorrow . This confirmes what before I doubted . Can your charity descend so low as to look on my sufferings ? Be not too indulgent to your folly . Your malice cannot reach me . You must of force now use your patience . Y' are wrong'd beyond a cowards sufferance . All circumstances meet to give it credit . Vertue though in rags , may challenge more , then vice with all her greatnesse . You 'l pluck a mountaine of disgrace upon you . You are all made of passion . I 'le teach my Spaniel to howle in better language . You forget the dignity of the place . You cannot free your selfe from these aspersions . I cannot cloath my thoughts in better language . Like a rocke I 'le beare off all temptations . You may as soone wash an AEthiope white . Never cure was , but with some paines effected . I 'de rather trust the mercy of a storme , thento be calm'd for ever . Let not feare fright you , nor hope foole you . All is not deadly , that lookes dangerous . Times ancient bawde is opporunity . Folly begets danger . Y' have spoke the worst that malice could invent . Cedars and shrubs are not parallels . Virginity in an ancient maid , is like a garment long laid by , and out of fashion , not worth wearing . Virginity sometimes is like a false friend , better lost then kept . Your thoughts instruct you ill . Your heart 's a rebell to you . Descents to ill are easie , steepe are the steps to grace . I 'le waken heaven and earth with my exclaims . Griefe's a true watch-man . Base ones made big by beauty , are but slaves . Unequall marriage is not love , but lust . The Bee can breed no poyson , though shee sucke the juyce of hemlock . Indignation flies on wings of thunder . Traytors are like to poyson'd arrowes , which tyrants shoot at mischiefe . Mine eyes waxe dim with expectation . The minde of man is like a restlesse ship that 's tost and hurl'd upon the surging seas . The lofty Eagle will not catch at flies . This world 's a chaos of confusion The nights black mantle over-spreads the skie . Blacke night is fled to his deformed cell . You dwell in Labyrinths . Your language is more dubious than an oracle . The Spaniel sawnes , because he dares not bark . You flatter as though you had serv'd your apprentiship in Court . Your starres bid you be happy . Your heart 's like pibbles , smooth , yet stony . Generous spirits , are still subject to credulity . 'T is the misery of Princes to sin in ignorance . You will repent this language . Inroule your meaning in your speech . Old time hath thrown his feathers from his heels . It is legitimate blood of the rich grape . I 'le sooner couple with a man-drake , and beget groanes . I 'me lost unto your memory . Time hath now sprain'd his foote , and goes awry . As pensive as the night . As liberall as the Sun , which shines on all . Gold is the quintescence and Elixar of all metals . Time grows humorous with age . The morns faire cheek hath not yet lost her tears . The eye of heaven doth winke , or is out . Mixe ability with your will . As wholsome as the blood of grapes to age . You will inrage your violence . The frozen hand of death hath ceaz'd him . The snake hath cast his skin . As swift as thought . Eolus defend us from these stormes . The Jewell that 's enjoy'd , is not esteem'd . True beauty , yet was never mercilesse . Who most doe love , must seeme most to neglect . Night , nor sleep are nor more silent . If a man halt but once in his estate , friendship will prove but broken crutches to him . Night with her black steeds drawes up the day . They deafen aire with their loud exclaims . In warres , is wealth and honour to be wonne . Mourning for the absent , is like sorrowing for the dead . Outward shewes expresse not alwayes truth . Imagination doth not ever faile . Sparks of honour will burst into flames . A Princes greatest glory is but a cloudy mist . Princes with their lookes engender feare . I love to heare vice anatomiz'd . Observe him as the watch observes the clock . There 's nothing Roman in him . Ambition makes more trusty slaves , then need . When power , that may command , doth much descend , their bondage , whom it stoopes too , it intends . It is not safe to inforce a Soverainges eare . Princes heare well , if they at all will heare . Wrath covered , carries fate with it . Revenge is lost , if men professe they hate . It is not safe , the children draw long breath , that are provoked by a parents death . Thunder speakes not till it hit . None sooner are opprest , then they , whom confidence betrayes to rest . All power is to be fear'd , where 't is too much . Age in all things breeds neglect . Wolves doe change their haire , but not their hearts . Take heed of whispering your thoughts . There is no losse , nor shame in providence . He threatens many , that hath injur'd one . Your fraud is worse to me then violence . You strive to make him guilty , whom you have foredoom'd . Your thoughts looke through your words . The coward , and the valiant man must fall . The times are sicke , when vertue cannot safely bee advanc'd . Who nourisheth a Lyon , must obey him . A Princes power makes all his actions good . Princes agents are like dumb instruments , to doe , but not enquire . Princes intents are to be serv'd , not search't The way to rise , is to obey , and please . No innocence is safe , when power contests . What wee doe know will come , wee should not feare . 'T is hard when ignorance is scarcely innocent . A good man rather must sit downe with losse , than rise unjust . 'T is place , not blood , discernes the noble , and the base . Night hath many eyes ; whereof , though most doe sleepe , yet some are spies . 'T is now about the noone of night . He well doth give , where merit meets his bounty . Injuries neglected , finde their owne grave . The punishment of writers augments the reputation of his workes . The first crime is the bridge to all succeeding ones . When a woman hath lost her chastity , shee hath no more to lose . Where distrust begins , there friendship ends . There 's nothing in man but his ambition , that waxeth not olde . Great matters should bee sooner done , than disputed of . 'T is more honour to give , than to receive . When the service is so great , that it cannot well be recompenc'd , it makes him that hath done it , odious and troublesome . Princes had rather give to oblige , than to acquire themselves by rewarding . Patience too much wrong'd , turnes to fury . Providence is the safest shield against the threats of fortune . That power can never bee well us'd , that is ill got . 'T is hard to judge of a mans felicity , before his death . That favour that is acquired by merit , or good fortune , is conserv'd by modesty , and lost by insolence . Vertue wheresoever found , is honourable . Fortune attend me , as my ends are just . Suffer mine eyes for to discourse my griefes . Vertue and grace , are alwayes pair'd together . Braine is the mother of invention . Kill this monster griefe . True worth , scornes to turne Camelion . When beautie 's withered , lustfull love growes cold . Your guilt keepes ope your eyes . Midnight's the generall Bawde to the whole world . Nimble prevention out-runs woe . 'T is rare , to finde a woman chaste and faire . Destruction , though delaid , yet 's deadly sure . The blessed man is absolutely rich . As secret as calme silence , or the night . Anothers losse , makes many fortunate . In sicknesse , an associate helps disease . Envi's the common traytor to Estate . That man 's to lethergy condemn'd , that takes a Politician to his friend . To suffer wrong , inflames revenge . A pregnant pupill thrives without a tutor . An hypocrites heart is like a deceitfull spunge . The sunne at his departure seem'd to smile . Mischiefe , like mighty waves , ne're comes alone . Place cannot change the nature of good things . Innocence is resolutions ground . Let affection be your servant , will your slave , passion your drudge . The Foord is shallowest , where the streame doth roare . Hearts are small things , but infinite in desires . The head-strong windes doe rage with hideous stormes . The fearefull Sunne descends as red as blood . There is no hell to an aspiring minde . All strive to have , but few for to deserve . What horrour and affrightment ceaseth me . The sun will blush , for to behold such guilt . Man is the pride of heavens creation . Let not clouds of passion choake your reason . Nothing deforms a man so much as sinne . When black hands are lift up , heaven hath no feeling . Death could not speake a word more fatall to mee . Just heaven will ne're forsake the innocent . Griefe's weight is eas'd , when each one beares his part . Ignorance doth not alwayes strut in sattin , it oft-times walkes a Clergy pace in blacke . The Foxe will have his prey before the Lyon . Words are ayery shades , they are deedes that please . Wealth is abus'd , when it conducts to hell . He 's blest , that to bee rich , can give consent with honesty , or rest poore with content . Let mercy lodge within your gentle breast . What ground for this suspition , finde your thoughts . Our heads cut ayre , and yet our hearts plough earth . Murther from Heavens eye cannot be conceal'd . Vaine thoughts will flatter you . Passion must vent it selfe in speech or teares . Too much indulgence is not love , but hate . The body hath no sicknesse like the minde . You hugge your hopes , as a politician his ayery plots . Murther , like your Jesuite , doth whisper death in silence . The Vsurer whilst his interest money in doth trole , cares not to lose the principall his soule . Murther will out , though by the actors mouth . Rich men , as well as poore , must turne to dust . Gold 's the world's Idoll . Gold is the young man's whore , the olde man's saint . Ignorance is foe to arts . You put into a sea , you cannot ●ound . Harke how the sound of horrour beates the ayre . The Alpine snow at the sunne beames doth melt . 'T is vanity to quarrell with your destiny Who seemes most crafty , proves oft-times most foole . Mercy is Nobilities true badge . The Raven doth not hatch a larke . Did ever Raven sing so like a Larke . Sorrow conceal'd , doth burn the heart to cynders . The Firmament hath not more Sunnes than one . Friends should associate friends in griefe and woe . Trust him by leasure , that deceiv'd thee once . Your smiles to mee are like a flattering glasse . There is sedition in your countenance . Content's a Kingdome , and you weare the crowne . Banish from your breast sad discontent . Care lodges in my heart , griefe in my breast . Charity is fled to Heaven . Death is the end of all calamity . Rich men flye the poore , as good men shunne the Devill . Oh what a clogge to the soule is sinne . Pity it is repentance comes too late . Blow not those coales , which long were rak'd in embers . Let not the head contend against the foote . A benefit upbraided , forfeits thankes . There 's no content attends a wavering minde . That man is only happy with his fate , That is contented in a setled state . Time flies with winged hast . A bounteous act hath alwayes glory following it . 'T is best to feare without a cause . Your sword hath made some windowes for my blood . Who hunts for honour , happinesse neglects . You are both deafe to prayers , and blinde to teares . By base revenge , there is no honour wonne . To forgive an Injury , is the greatest victory . He that will once give the wall , shall quickly bee thrust into the kennell . I was not salted at the University to be colted here . Love 's the reward of love . Mischiefe for mischiefe , is a due reward . Blood asketh blood , and death must death requite . Wrong done , is righted , when men grant , they erre . Tell trueth , and shame all travellers and tradesmen . He that soares too neare the Sunne , may melt his wings . Blushing doth ill in a waiting-Gentlewoman , but monstruous in an old Courtier . The Vulture smels a prey . Sin is the worst of ills . A duty well discharg'd , is never followed by sadd repentance . The world 's a Citie , full of straying streets , And death's the market-place where all doe meet . Make not misery and affliction a toy to jest at . My hope 's a prisoner to me . A willing man dyes sleeping . Truth is times eldest daughter . Awake , and pay the duty which you owe . Power makes all things lawfull . Envy stands ever gaping at desert . Love hath a blind-fold judgment . Truth hath no need of Rhetorick . Death is a debt , for which there is no forgivenesse . Perswasion shall not change me . No man shall want his merit . Still waters drowne , the shallow doe but roare It is truths part to suffer . A Bastard is the filthy dreggs of lust , that was be got when sinne was revelling . Shake hands with passion . Earth must not question Heaven . As innocent as truth . Kill not your comfort . Gold is a good perswader . He that knowes the world , knowes not all her mischiefes . Care may prevent a danger . He that feares danger , shall be sure to finde it . In stillest rivers , are the greatest dangers . Make vertue your companion evermore . Truth will appeare sometimes by miracle . Severity brings safety . Misery will make a man the better relish happinesse . Dally not with mischiefe . The lambe is unnaturall , that should hate the Damme . All ship-wracks are not drownings . Stomackes with kindnesse cloyd , disdaine must stirre . Deepe plots desire the night , not babling day . Wine is wits mid-wife . Time may favour winne . Fear 's as bad as death . Darke night hath blacke velvet wings . Melancholy is the nurse of frenzie . The poorest service is repaid with thankes . It is the minde that makes the body rich . The fire of love is blowne by dalliance . The more ill threats us , we suspect the lesse . Preferment seldome graceth bashfulnesse . Cares are companions of a crowne . Mischiefe lurkes in the darke . A storme may come , be the day ne're so cleare . Quicke speede is good , where wisdome leades the way . Hasty purposes , have hated ends . Death is the conquerour of Kings . He loves not me , that loves mine enemie . The monster griefe afflicts my very soule . Death is farre sweeter then captivity . Reason's the mistresse of experience . Report is ever subject to abuses . Worth should be ever admir'd , and vertue lov'd . True love is void of feare . No danger can afflict a constant minde . Your waxen wings will melt against the Sun . Beauty may tempt to lust . Put not out the eye of reason . Beauty set to sale , wantons the blood . Beauty doth draw like to the wanton morning sun , the eyes of men to gaze on . Truth will be prevalent . Justice , like lightning , ever should appeare , To few mens ruine , but to all mens feare . Let not passion ecclips your judgment , or reason . Truth will discover all mens treacheries . Mercy and beauty well doe sympathize . Causes best friended , have the best events . Better be ever dumb , then not speake truth . Silence argues guilt . Appetite to love , never leaves an old woman , till cracking of nuts failes her . Sleepe is deaths younger brother . A man past grace , is past recovery . Nights candles burne obscure . The moone lyes buried in a cloud . Earths joyes are but short liv'd Your soule bleedes at your eyes . The care of State is quicke , and jealous . Good men may erre sometimes . Soft rest hath ceas'd on mortalls browes . Passion , like midnight , sits upon your thoughts . I 'e vent my griefes in silence . Experience makes it good , they stand not fast , that rise by blood . What fits you not to know , leave to desire . Suspitions eye doth dog you . Death is the post of heaven . Take truce with sorrow . You may as soone perswade the Ocean , in a storm to leave swelling . Envye stands a typ-toe , to pull downe innocence . Every thing the lesse common it is , the more admir'd . Love is ever seconded with flattery . Vertue is rich , and rewards it selfe . Death 's a quicke carver . Death is the harbinger of heaven . Fortune showres downe content beyond desert . Nature hath made you , what she need not shame . When he that should reward , forgets the man , 't is vertue to boast a merit . Time creepes , when we expect our blisse . Prevent your fate , by vertuous providence . No sun-shine followes me . Virgins resolves are weake . Be reconcil'd to vertue . Innocence is a strong tower . Death 's a devouring gamster . Reproach is death , to him that liv'd in fame . Griefe by dispaire seemes greater then it is . By industry , wise men doe seeke reliefe . True setled love , can ne're be turn'd to hate . Though fortune faile us , let us not faile our selves . Vertue 's unto it selfe a sure reward . Beware betimes , and be not wise too late . There lurks an adder in the greenest grasse . Danger , or purpose , alwayes hides her head . Nothing wounds deeper then ingratitude . He that is one mans slave , is free from none . Where there is plainenesse , there is ever truth . Rage is the vent of torment . Mischiefe's ready way lyes alwayes open . Gold is of power to make an Eagle's speed . Fortune is fickle , and her face is blinde . The Foxe fares alwayes best , when he is curst . Great honours are but fortunes flatteries . Who soares too neare the sun , may melt his wings . The shrub is safe , when us the Cedar shakes . Ambition like the plague , see thou eschew . A disgrace not seene , is held no shame . Let not lust conquer vertue . The Halcyon sings before a storme . You know no pitty for an injury . At the lowest ebbe , the tide still turnes . You have shewed me a rich Jewell , and put it in a Casket for your selfe . When mynes are to bee blowne up , men digge lowe . Let plenty spread your boord , and charity take away . Great men to Princes , are like valleyes unto hils , they may be councelled by them , not controwled . Conscience is seldome seene in cloath of gold . Great fortunes earned , are great slaveries . Where Beggars once take almes , they look for 't ever . Storms are at sea , when it is calme at land . You feede some discontent . Discontent 's a mould , fit to cast mischiefe in . Hee that hath the muses smyle , hath moneyes frowne . Better to fight with Lyons , then with Lawes . Heaven is the poore mans champion . Sorrow ends not , when as it seemeth done . Truth hath a quiet breast . Where words are few , they are seldome spent in vaine . Mens ends are mark'd , more then their lives before . You seeke no shelter , to avoid the storme . A tide of woes comes rushing on all at once . Thankes is the exchequer of the poore . Things past redresse , ought to be past care . Teares shew their love , but want their remedy . Your heart is not confederate with your tongue . Griefe's not to be asswag'd by flattery . Chastity is a thing not known in Court . Nothing is hard to them that dare to dye . Cherish desert in all . Men are not fit to live in the state they hate . The easinesse doth much abate the edge . No pain 's so irksome as a forc'd delight . There needes no flattery , but where desert is wanting . He 's next in right , that hath the strongest power . Sometimes noble blood is hid in rags . Feare argues a base spirit . Death is the last , and the extream'st of ills . Vertue is paid her due by death alone . Time weares out , what art or nature cannot bring about . When lust is up , all women are alike . None can finde , the subtle cunning of a womans minde . You give a drop of honey in a sea of gall . Ther 's no resisting of necessity . There is a cloud obscures my sunne . Late providence , procures long repentance . Blinde is the censure of uncertainties . Great sorrow is alwayes dumbe . The greatest vertue is true patience . My heart was never feaver-shook with feare . All censures soone take fire . The dawne of mid-night , is the Drunkards noone . Chastity is a Virgins riches . To shut your lips fast , take this locke of gold . A faulty woman never wants excuse . Women are like to Venice glasses , one cracke spoyles them . As kinde as the sunne to the new-come spring . As constant as the needle to the adamant . Good things abus'd , convert unto the worst . An Eagles nest disdaines to hatch a crow . Small flies it'th spiders web are ta'ne , When great ones teare the web , and free remaine . No man ever durst sweare for his wife , but Adam . Innocence wrong'd , is crown'd . Thieves are Diana's Forresters , or Gentlemen of the shade . As melancholy as a lovers lute , or haire ▪ Tread not upon my patience . A railing wife is worse then a smoaky house . As bountifull as mynes of India . Your letters speakes your minde . As wanton as a goate . Discretion is the better part of valour . A false comfort is worse then a true wrong . Suspition alwayes hath a ready tongue . In poyson there is physicke . Wake not a sleeping wolfe . As neare of kinne , as the parish heyfer to the towne bull . Discretion is the better part of man . Let wisdome be your guide . Uneasie lyes the head , that weares a Crowne . Olde folkes are times doating chronicle . He is walk'd the way of nature , and of death . Abate your fury . As quicke and fiery , as the palfrey of the sunne . There 's flattery in friendship . The man that would have sold the Lyons skinne , while the beast liv'd , was kill'd with hunting him . Noble mindes contemne dispaire or danger . There is more safety in a tygers jawes . To wretched men , death is felicity . No beast is so fierce , but knowes some touch of pitty . A wren may prey , where an Eagle dares not perch . 'T is good to sort occasion . When clouds appeare , wise men put on their cloakes . The minde of man , mistrusts ensuing dangers . The waters swell , before a boysterous storme . Riches are in fortune , as great a good , as wisedome is in nature . Hope is such a bate , it covers any hooke . Calumnies are answered best with silence . Health is the blessing of the rich , and riches of the poore . The sunne that sets , may rise againe . Play not with , or delay not opportunity . Guilty persons suspect what they deserve . Mischiefe doth ever end , where it begun . It is an act of horrour . Heaven never failes the innocent . Good wits are greatest in extreamity . To plead for the guilty , hurts the innocent . Mischief's feed like beasts , till they be fat , and then they bleed . Brave minds , are strongest in extreamities . The most doe favour errour . Reason is the ground of arts . Your complements call your faith in question . You may improve your vertue . Death hath more doores than one . Truth is a word , that doth in every language relish well . Play not too long upon my patience . Mine eyes begin to summon me to sleepe . Love is alwayes jealous . In full fields , the gleanings are allowed . The end still crownes the deed . Best natures are soonest wrought upon . Where shall I borrow patience . A storme is comming , I must provide for harbor . Man's right to every thing , wains with his wealth . 'T is a dangerous thing to steale prey from a Lyon . The worst deeds are made good , with good successe . Flatterers looke like friends , as wolves like dogs . Misery of vertue , ill is made good with worse . A wronged hart will breake a rib of steele , but vent it selfe . You are a gulfe of all ingratitude . Dishonest things , have bitter rivers , though delicious springs . Truth is not made of glasse . Princes discontents , are like the flames of Etna , not to be quench'd . Pray yield my innocence justice . Doe not inforce your merrits , so your selfe . Where medicines loath , it grieves men to bee heal'd . Danger alwayes haunts desert . Submission is a full , and compleat recompence . Reward goes backward , honour on his head . We must to vertue , for our guide resort . Innovation is more dangerous than errour . All faults are still-born , that from greatness grow . Frailty is fruitfull . The height of love is still wonne with denyings . Guilt carries feare with it . Flattery , like the plague , pierceth unfelt . Keepe not fire in your bosome , lest it consume you . You cherish a viper in your bosome , which will destroy you . The Politician , or Machevilian , covers hate with smiles . A Politician must ( like lightning ) melt the very marrow , yet not pierce the skinne . An olde husband is good to make screene of , to stand next the fire , whilst his young wife sits behinde him , and keeps a friends lips warme . You with your hand turn Fortunes wheele about . Vertue is the fountaine , whence honour springs . Let no mans birth be blemish to his worth . We must give way to want . 'T is manners to take kindnesse . Necessity must be obeyed . The feast of Marriage is not lust , but love . When Cynthia's pride 's at full , she waynes againe . Death is the greatest Monarch in the world . Love is a slave to hope . Night clad in black , mournes for the losse of day . Sleepe is death's younger brother . Loves power by wisdome , cannot be with-stood . Firm constancy , like rockes , can ne're be mov'd . The face is the index of the minde . 'T is a weakenesse to measure by our selves , the purposes of others . You carry too much sale for your small Barque . Let not false hopes abuse you . To be thankfull to a servants merits , is growne a crime . Greatnesse comes from above . 'T is a favour , which vertue cannot warrant . An innocent trueth can never stand in neede of a guilty lye . I am but coffin to my cares . My tongue 's the voyce of truth . Gold is the misers god . Men flesht in blood , know seldome to amend . Love subdues all things . Love is the soveraign vertue of the soule . Death to the godly , is the gate to blisse , But death ( the wicked ) leades to the Abysse . MOST PITHY , FACETIOUS , and PATHETICALL COMPLEMENTALL EXPRESSIONS . COnfirme me in your favour , with a smile . The justnesse of my cause , I hope will gaine successe . Her necke 's more white , then new falne snow . Her breasts , are swan-like . Her very breath perfumes the aire she breaths . You embrace the occasion to depart . Welcome as Manna , to my hungry soule . I will contrive my selfe for your best use . I will performe my best on your behalfe . Shee is a rich myne of beauty . Shee is the glory of her sex . Shee beares the palme of beauty from them all . Others compar'd to her , seeme like glimmering starres to the full Moone . Her breath 's more odiferous , then a bed of spices . Nature ne're fram'd a more delicious piece . I 'le pay the tribute of my lips , to your faire hands . The musicke of the spheares , is not so ravishing . The name of him you come from , is warrant sufficient to make your welcome here . Let my boldnesse prove pardonable . Let us change aire a little . You have power to steere me , as you please . I hope you hold no suspition of me . 'T is my duty to obey your faire commands . My feares are almost over . In your good , I 'le bury all my hate . I can relish any thing that comes of free cost . You are the only man I have ambition to honour . I should be proud to merit such a favour . 'T is in your power to oblige me . Pray point mee out some service , to expresse my gratitude . You will dishonour me by your suspition . I know you are all Court-ship . You have discourst me into admiration . I 'l live an hereticke in that point . You have a soule is full of gratitude . You have sown your charity in a fruitfull ground . You are very liberall in language . Breake silence , when you please . Doome me not a scorne , before condemn'd . Your sight gives me a lease of longer life . Bee wise , faire opportunity waites upon your pleasure . Your will is but controul'd by dastard feares . Let me now circle in mine armes , all happinesse . I have not soule enough , to apprehend my joyes . I hope my fortunes cannot deserve your scorne . Let me be bold to claime your noble promise . My blood heaves in my veines . 'T is happinesse enough , that you have mentioned it . Let me beg your pardon . Make me happy to renew my suite . Vouchsafe me kisse your hands . I 'le consecrate this day to triumph . I am shadow to your worthinesse , noble friend . The riches of the world flow to your coffers . Thinke not , that I would bid you graspe the wind , or call you to the embracing of a cloud . You have power to melt mee , and cast mee in any mould . All my breast holds , I 'le powre into thee . I 'le tell it , or speake it in thine eares . I had been happier by your fellowship . Put on your better lookes , or thoughts , Ther 's nought , but faire and good intended to you . Speake your imperfect thoughts . I am ever bound to you , for many favours . Fame renders you most worthy of it . Report could never have got a sweeter aire to flye in , than your noble breast . You are all bounty , all worth . Enjoyne me to what punishment you please . I 'le flye at your commands . I feare 't will prove prodigious to you . Your warrant must prove mighty then . For this let me embrace you . I will be secret as your soule , or night . I 'le like your shade pursue you . All faire content dwell here . Fortune may be propitious yet . I feare , my griefes are not at full yet . I emulate your daring spirit . You can bawle well , with your full oyster voyce . You barke too much , to bite . All valour 's not confin'd within your breast . The happinesse of the day crowne your desires . I wish the night may equall the dayes happinesse . All content , both night and day , crowne your desires . My desires equall your wishes . I 'le weepe the day out , and out-mourn the night . Who gave you patent to examine me . She equalls your Commends in all respects . So true a faire , I ne're beheld till now . You merit not , to touch so choise a rarity , You over-charge me with so great a favour , as your descending thus to visite me . Your carriage speakes you so impartiall worthy . I should doe wrong to merit , not to honour you . Your hopes should flye a pitch above it . I see , there speakes a fortune in your brow . I dare not looke so high . Is this the hooke your golden baite doth cover . I will not further disswade your resolution . I will not lesse esteeme your merit . You engage me to you ever . Her minde 's so chast , a man may sooner melt the Alpes , then her You are ungentle to triumph in my torment . Glut your relentlesse sight with full eyed sorrow . Shee is all amorous , all faire . Those teares would melt the hearts of Tygers . Gold , that doth usher greatnesse , lacques you . The tongues of Ravens are too milde to speake it . You cast your eyes too much upon the flame , proves your destruction . Turne backe your Commet eyes , or I shall perish in the flames of love . I 'le be as just to you , as heaven to trueth . Can there remaine a soule , that will vouchsafe me pity . I 'le put you to the test . You dazell your owne eys . I will out-toyle the day for your content . I cannot speake your worth to the full . What sad noyse wounds my eares . You are the prodigy of nature . You are the substance of that shadow , I did represent . The world may smile againe . Calme your contumelious tongue . Reverse that doome . If I say , I may repent , but if I sweare , it is irrevocable . You looke like leane fac'd envye . I scorne your worthlesse threats . You have a Tygers heart wrapt in a womans hide . Even as the rockes please them , that feare their wracke . Pray give no limits to my tongue . Without your leave , I 'me priviledg'd to speake . Your man-hood hangs upon your tongue . As if a channell , should be call'd , the Sea . Whether flye the gnats , but to the Sunne . Dark clowdy death , ore-shades his beames of life . Aske mercy , and obtaine no grace . The ghostly Father now hath done his shrift . You cry content , to that which grieves you most . You can adde colours to the Camelion . You can change shapes with Proteus . You 'le set the aspiring Cateline to Schoole . I 'le never fawne upon your frownes . You are as amorous as youthfull May . You are as gray as January . My deeds shall alwayes waite upon my promise . Just AEsopps crowe , pranc'd up in borrowed feathers . All my liberty lies in your service . More manners wovld become you better . I yield my selfe to your direction , manage mee at your pleasure . You would faine endeare your service . I have beene faithfull in all you trusted me . I 'le make a vertue of necessity . No service , more then reciprocall . I cannot passe you without an ave . Secret as mid-night , quicke as lightning , sure as the sunne . I listned for that string , and you have toucht it . You oppresse me with wonder . I 'le give no sufferage to it . I feare you have made a conveyance of your Virginity before-hand . You have suck'd the milke of the Court . I 'le be your anvill to worke upon . I will out-waite a Sergeant for you . Shall I hope this benefit from you . You set too high a price on my poore deservings . I reap'd more grace , then I deserv'd or hop'd . Darke night hath shut up day , to pleasure us . What ever joy earth yeelds , succeede to you . The vertues of your minde would force a Stoicke to sue to be your servant . You are a staine of honour . I am a constant lover of your minde . Your noble deeds , transcend all presidents . It is an honour , and so I doe receive it . Peace waite upon you . It is a favour , and so I doe receive it . You have fir'd mee with the heate of your deservings . The vertues of your minde are infinite . You wander in the wilde maze of desire . Pray guide me to your lips . Your lookes are agues to me . Let 's have a scene of mirth . You are a diligent observer of the times . Too much of one dish cloyes one . I 'le seate you on a hill of happinesse . I feele a womans longing . You have out stript me in the race of honour . 'T is farre from me , to be your rivall . One frowne of yours , strikes dead all comfort in mee . Your feares are needlesse ▪ I 'le not be wanting : but stil strive to serve . You are the miracle of vertue . I stand indebted for a benefit to you . In thankefull duty , I 'le study how to serve you . I cannot speake your prayses to the full . Your breast 's my Sanctuary . It is not worth your thoughts . I prize him to his worth . In thought I am not guilty . Let me thrive , as my intents are honest . I have a strong assurance of your vertue ▪ It is unfit , that I should presse it further . Such thoughts are farre from my ambition . This is impudence beyond expression . Trouble me not with thankes . It merits not your thankes . Fortune claimes a share in 't . I doe partake your sufferings . There 's no happinesse in my gift , but you may challange ▪ I 'le plead my interest . I 'le rather doubt an oracle , then question what you deliver . You may teach Hermes eloquence . You looke with covetous eyes upon her . I plead for that , which you with joy should offer . Leape into mine armes , and then aske pardon . These are strange Meanders . I hope you 'le please to thinke upon my sufferings . My want of power to satisfie so great a debt , makes me accuse my fortunes . You may as you please , determine of me . You caper , as you were all aire , or fire . I 'le be as humble , as your Spaniel . Your bounty ( like a new Spring ) hath reviv'd the Autumne of my yeares . I will not warre with Eloquence . A bed of snakes straggle within mee . Faire fortune be your guide . You seeme to out-march time . You are skilfull in patience . You are fortunes mynion , and sleepe in her bosome . I feare you 'l make me guilty of Idolatry . Such endearements , will too much impoverish my gratitude . Take me into your bosome , and hide me there . I esteeme you a friend to vertue . Not the mountaine Ice , congeal'd to chrystall , is more chast then shee . Your marrow 's frozen in your bones . You speake , or puffe , like a Cannon . I 'le be obedient to your just commands I 'le celebrate my Mris health to you . Her breath is like the smoake of spices . I ever held you my best example . Shee whispers like the amorous lute . 'T is not in me for to resist your pleasure I 'le flye with winged hast . You councell , like an oracle . I 'le like an amorous winde , sport with your hair . Let my entreaty have power , to alter your commands . I know your worth , and esteeme your friendship precious . You may challenge all my power on your behalfe . You are the starre , that rules my faculties . Gallants are much oblig'd unto the sinnes of Ladies . You did mispend that breath . My faith cannot admit of this . To see your harmony , will make me sinne in wishes . Trust not the unruly appetite of youth . You are much given to propogation . Y 'ave bath'd your silken limbs in lustfull dalliance . You walke in artificall clowds . Your guilt doth make you aguish . You tremble , like a frosty Russian on a hill ▪ I feare you will convert to stone . You wrong your judgement . My services merit no such regard . My joy exceeds my wonder . You still oblige my gratitude . You walke in cloudy mysts . You barke against the Moone . See an object worthy pity . Leave with me first some comfort . Farewell , faire regent of my soule . You will make happy the man that shall possesse you . I never hop'd from you so large a bounty . Your tongue is a perpetuall motion . Thought is not more swift . You are a Stukely , or a Sherley , for your spirit and bounty . Shee sends you amorous glances from her eyes . They fight love on both sides . Be moderate my joyes . My joyes are at the full . The blessings of your Mistrisse fall upon you . You seeme able , without the helpe of muscadine and egges . It shall be in my Creed . I 'le mount me on the wings of hast . Aske your thoughts , if they can counsell keepe . This sight is physicke to my soule . I love to heare vice anatomized . Marriage is my wishes happinesse . Would I were Secretary to your thoughts . Your thoughts and mine , run parallel in that . My best abilities of power are at your service ▪ You are the starre that guides my motion . I 'le bosome what I thinke . It was the end of their creation . A maiden-head , is as a creature got in the eye , conceived in a kisse : some call it a sigh , and some an amorous groane . The very aire is ravisht with her touch . This place is not my spheare . I have no shift of faces , no cleft tongue . You are the soule of goodnesse . Let me adore my Esculapius . Checke your passions , be master of your selfe . He lookes too full of death , for you to deale with . Shee shines bright like the Moone , among the lesser lights . I must make a rude departure . You must use more then a common speed . I am not Oedipus enough to understand you . I must be glad to practise my obedience . As lov'd , as is the aire I breath . You are the friend of season , and doe follow fortune . I 'le sooner trust a Sinon . You seeme to tread on aire . Let me enjoy my longings . 'T is now about the noone of night . Runne a Lictors pace . I 'le reare a Pyramis to your memorie . It is an act most worthy Hell , and lasting night . Now Venus be my speed . Can you freeze , and such a heate so nigh you , ready to dissolve you . Shee hath an easie melting lippe , a speaking eye . All the dayes good attend you . Can your beliefe lay hold no such a miracle . Good gall be patient . I 'le feede you with delight . My fortunes thrive beyond imagination . My hopes are prevalent . Why are you cloath'd in teares or sorrow ▪ Venus compar'd to her , was but a Blowze . Her eyes are Dyamonds , set in purest gold . You are the starre , by whom my fate is led . I love to relish sweete variety . You are clouded all with passion . I hope our loves are twinnes . Your wanton blood danceth within your veines . You speake all comfort to me . My blood is almost frozen with despaire . Laments are idle , seeke better remedies . I must enrowle you in the catalogue of my dearest friends . You will perswade beliefe . You live like a screech-owle in a secret cave . It is the blessing of my fate . Your example steeres mee . Our moderators are our swords . I burst , if I containe my passion . I 'le be a just executor , of your will . I 'le raine a showre of gold into your lap . My trust shall quit your faith . Her name , like some celestiall fire , quickens my spirits . I never knew vertue , and beauty meere in a sweeter nature . My wish requites you . I am plannet-strucke . Your guilt doth binde your secresie . You cannot tempt me , Syren . I know what snake would sting you . My love 's like fate , unmoveable . I am blinde to your inticements . I have beene true unto your pleasures . I shall rest gratefull for it . Your presence is restorative . Let me not perish in your favour . They greet in silence , as the dead are wont . Your words are Raysers to my wounded heart . I 'le climbe Olympus top . The golden sunne salutes the morne . You are above pale envies threatning reach . The sunne hath gilt the Ocean with his beames . You thunder with your tongue . Better then you , have worne Vulcans badge . There 's musicke in her smiles . I will prevent the suns up rising , from his bed . Court her with faire entreates . My rage hath plung'd me into a sea of danger . Disparage not your worth so . You are full of faire desert . I have been bound to you , by many favours . I shall never merit your least of favours to me . I never bound you to me by desert . You are a man most deare in my regard . The Ocean 's not more boundlesse , then your favours . Some fury prickes you on , and hurries you to mischiefe . I cannot harbour such a disloyall thought . Your purse is my Exchequer . Build on my faith . With what face of brasse can you speake this . You move me both to passion , and to pitty , It is an act of night . Your lipp's she path of pleasure , and the gate of blisse . You will have much adoe , to winne beliefe , I am wrapt in a maze of wonder . Wee come with prepared stomackes , to your Feast . A generall silence hath surprized all . I 'le lodge you in my bosome , and wear you in my heart . Her honour is as spotlesse as the Moone . This light in me begets much admiration . I shall turne baby too . A mart of beauties in her visage meete . If once I lov'd you , greater is your debt . Wrong not our friend-ship so . Let feare goe seeke a dastards nest . I 'le call your tongue to strict account for this . I 'le ope my bosome to you . You thinke you can enchaine me with a smile . You are a white inchantresse , Lady . A beauteous body hides a loathsome soule . You are to her a sun-burnt Black-a-moore . Your tongue is like the sting of Scorpions . Let my submission my presumption salve . No paines , but pleasure Sir . Come , forget your Courtiers , and talke like honest men . Sure you had a satyre to your sire . Midnight would blush at this . I ever held your worth in great esteem . Your breast is my sanctuary . I heare , or feare a tempest comming . Give me leave to plead my innocency . Which of my actions hath rendred me suspected . Pray use my service in 't . Let proofe plead for me . 'T is a disgrace would dwell upon me , should you refuse me . I have no faculty , which is not yours . Your charity is my heritage . Your lookes enforce a freedome out of bondage . You are as jealous as a Turkey . May your goodnesse get you a happy husband . I am proud to please you . You are a noble giver . Let me seale my vow'd faith on your lips . By you , like your shade , I 'le ever dwell . You out-dare danger . My fanci 's oft a prophet . The justnesse of my cause , and honour guard me . You mke my faith to stagger . Let no due be wanting . You are to her a meere dull shadow . 'T is pity love should be so tyrannous . I 'de rather see a Wren hawle at a flye . My heart is wing'd with hast , that out-flies motion . You have a goodnesse , past equality . I 'le stretch your patience higher yet . I hold your words a rocke to build upon . Doubt not my diligence . This kisse seales my repentance . 'T is now no time for Court-ship . You cannot command , what I 'le not execute . You have hit the object , that I look'd at . You cannot command , with more willingnesse then I 'le obey . I dare not speake my knowledge . As you have vertue , speake it . Unlocke this secret . Your jealousie doth foole , or slave you . The unblowne Rose , the mynes of Chrystall , nor the Diamond , are not more chaste , or pure then shee . Can there be such a lethergy in nature . Let not sadnesse thus afflict you . They which dare doe , dare suffer . 'T is no more , then what your worth may challenge . You are my Nightingale of comfort . I 'le keepe a Jubile to your memory . Your tongue cannot defame me . Nothing can hinder fate . Few words , and good deeds , are best pleasing to women . You are rackt in the haven of happinesse . The hand of heaven reward you . You have throwne me on a bed of misery . Your love out-strips my merit . The Court 's a spring , each Lady is a rose . Women are Angels , clad in flesh . Your will commands , and mine obeyes . Her maiden cheekes , blush with Vermillion . My eyes pay tribute , where my heart payes love . You are the patron of my hopes . Your purse is proud , although your garment 's poore . This gallant will command the Sunne . The harvest of his life is past . Your memory deserves to outlive time . You like a Commet doe attract all eyes . I must enjoyn you to an act of secresie . You are the star of my felicity . You apply a balme , worse then the wound it selfe , You seeme devoted unto sorrow . It is a Paradice , enjoying you . Wrong not her spotlesse chastity . You are the shame of men . You breath'd a p●ssionate sigh . You temporize with sorrow , mine is sincere . Swifter then meditation . Let my repentance make satisfaction , for my wrongs to you . Your chinne , almost appeares a wildernesse . It is a meere imposture . You have made me sicke with passion . My armes shall be your sanctuary . I 'le free you from all danger . The hand of heaven is in 't . O suite your pity with your infinite beauty . You are the only anchor of my hopes . There is no treasure upon earth like her . What breeds distrust in you . I waite the censure of your doome . Your heart is not confederate with your tongue . I am proud , my house containes such worthy friends . My sword shall be your guardian . In your losse , my joy ecclipsed is . As white as innocence it selfe . You serve the times . Her breath casts sweet perfumes . Your goodness is the spring from whence it issues . Goodnesse and vertue , are neere of your acquaintance . You understand not the language of my intent . Light is not clearer . A charity , like all your other vertues . I am in strait of miseries As covetous as a barren wombe . As rare as vertue at the Court . As glorious as a noone-tide sun . My entertainement hath confirm'd my welcome . We love by destiny . I live indeer'd unto your faith . You have blasted the harvest of my hopes . Your words have charm'd my soule . Let me entreate your silence . I will not trust the aire with it . You wound my heart . You swell like a spring tide . Heaven hath been my friend . I am sorry to have been the messenger of that afflicts you . I want no part of welfare , but your wished presence . You have no sence of griefe . Make me companion of your cares . Play not the Tyrant with me . You 'l bed with ice and snow . You are too much an Adamant . My thankes requite you . You 'l wast your selfe with sorrow . Those eyes were made to shine , not wast with dew . Your presence is powerfull . My starres owe me more happinesse . Let not passion clowde your vertues . Your words and lookes are strangers . It is no pilgrimage to travell to your lips . Goe bath your lips in rosie dew of kisses . You are the miracle of friendship . I weare you in my heart . Your favours have falne like the dew upon me . You make my vertue bleed . Give me leave to waken your memory . It is an age , till night , Mischiefe hath scarce a name beyond it . My Genius and yours are friends . Take heede , my hands will mutiny . My tongue speakes the freedome of my heart . You are a very rat of Nylus . Mine eyes have feasted on your beautuous face . I am all joy in your conversion . I owe service to your love . In your love I number many blesses . I will unrippe my very bosome to you . I hope you are not marble ▪ I will beg your pity . I 'le cherish your desert . Command what you desire . The sunne and I must rise together . I love the braine for the invention . Sure winter dwells upon your lipp , the snow is not more cold . The starres whereon I gaze , shall be your face . You with Ambrosiacke kisses bathe your lips . You may by vertue beate downe your ambition . Our morning cock's turn'd Owle . Y' are turn'd Pernassus , late . You feede my heart with much sweet hope . My patience can digest your injuries . You are rich in meekenesse . You have a flinty heart . Your head doth beare the Calendar of age . You may usurpe your pleasure . You are full of passion . I 'le Centinell your safety . You have power to sway me , as you please . Convert your rage to pity . I should question trueth , to doubt it . Your goodnesse wants a president . I ne're beheld a beauty more compleate . I 'le chronicle your vertues . Your acceptance shall be my recompence . You no way have offended . It was my ignorance , and no pretended boldnesse . Your Sunne shines in my day . I 'le be an Argos o're you . Your words to mee are Acts , your promises are deeds . The Sunne ne're met the Summer with more joy . To you , I will disclose my very bosome . No storme could be so tyrannous . You wrap me up in wonder . I am as mute as night . Freely relate your sorrows . Report strikes with wonder . You are gratefull , beyond merit , or desert . You take truce with sorrow . It would become you ill . Innocence is bold . You guild my praises farre above my deserts . My boldnesse wants excuse . I am your servant , still at your commands . Dreame on your best desires . My language was not aim'd at you . Reward stayes for you . I am barr'd of much content . Your service shall not dye unrewarded . This physicke cures not me . I 'le pay the tribute of my love to you . You will out-strip the winde . I gather from your eyes , what your disease is . I 'le safely land you out of all danger . If a storme fall , you shall be my shelter . The Wolfe 's in 's owne snare taken . Mine eyes have lusted for you . You make me much your debtor . Welcome , as light to day , as health to sicke men . The sunne shines on you still . It is the riches of the minde , that I doe aime at . The riches of your minde are infinite . Let mee share your thoughts 'T is not so sweete as musicke . This is beyond all patience . Shee needes not learne her beauties worth of you . Give quiet to your thoughts . Let men that hope to be belov'd , be bold . You have a face , where all good seemes to dwell . My duty bindes me to obey you ever . You are an usurer of fame . I sacrifice to you the incense of my thankes . You weare a snowy livery . I will repay your love with usury . I have no reason to misdoubt your faith . Vertue goe with you . You are the starre I reach at . Where shines this starre . Give him a Court loafe , stop his mouth with a monopoly . I am engag'd to businesse , craves some speed . Her eyes are Orbes of starres . Thankes for your wishes . You speake the Courtiers dialect . Your tongue walkes from your heart . 'T is your owne guilt afflicts you If I can friend you , use me . Oh , I shall rob you of too much sweetnesse . Sure , you have lost your use of reason . You fret like a gumm'd velvet . All things lie levell to your wishes . Your title , farre exceeds my worth . You runne before your horse to market . You are my counsells consistory . Inherit your desires . Your kindnesse freezeth . Hope flies with Swallow wings . The cocke already salutes the morne . I , like a child , will goe by your direction . Your love hath tast in this . You are the rising Sun , which I adore . 'T is only your desert , I know no second cause . My crosses meete to vexe me . Successe hath made you wanton . It is a confidence that well becomes you . I burne in a sweete flame . This service is for vertues sake , not for reward . May your owne rod whip you . I see your witt 's as nimble as your tongue . Your favours I still taste in great abundance . Let mee but touch the white pillowes of your naked breasts . May you be ever happy . Your pleasure is your own . Your words , like musicke , please me . My fancy ryots within me . You have all circumstances of worth in you . You feede on wishes . I prize your love above all the gold in wealthy Indi'as armes . Your garments are all made of Median silke . I 'le play at kisses with you . Your Chin hang like an udder . Here 's beauty set in goodnesse . Give me a naked Lady in a net of gold . Your fingers are made to quaver on a lute . Your armes to hang about a Ladies necke . Your tongue is oyl'd with Courtly flatteries . A kisse , is but a minutes joy . Detraction dares not taxe you . Your beauti 's without limits . I glory in the building I have rais'd . You build upon my ruines . Your words are Delphian Oracles . My care shall not be wanting . Your wit hath too much edge . I am a Cast-away , in love . You are a flame of beauty . Sweete and delicious as the feast of love . The amorous sunne courts the earth with smiles . Sweete as the breath of lutes , or loves deliciousnesse . FINIS . The Errata . PAge 2. l. 6. forget , r. forfeit . p. 6. l. 6. sollary , r. sallary . p. 6 l. 16. I desire , r. pierce . p. 9. l. 1. undeard , r. unheard p. 9. l. 26. inroule , r. involve . p. 20. l. 10. iv'd , r. liv'd . p. 20. l. 12. care , r. car. p. 21. l. 30. us , r. as . p 30. l. 22. a , r. to . p. 35 l. 8. of honour , r. to honour . p. 35. l. 28. strue , r. strive . p. 37. l. 2. straggle , r. struggle . p. 38. l. 6. propogation , r. propagation . p. 41. l. 24. Raysers , r. Raysors . p. 42. l. 19. she path , r. the path . p. 43. l. 14. your , r. you are . p. 44. . l. 8. mke , . r . make . p. 44. . l. 12. hawle , r. hawke . p. 48. l. 16. blesses , r. blysses . Printed according to Order . 
A20101	----	Iests to make you merie with the coniuring vp of Cock VVatt, (the walking spirit of Newgate) to tell tales. Vnto which is added, the miserie of a prison, and a prisoner. And a paradox in praise of serieants. Written by T.D. and George Wilkins. Dekker, Thomas, ca. 1572-1632. 1607 Approx. 119 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 32 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2003-03 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A20101 STC 6541 ESTC S105305 99841034 99841034 5591 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A20101) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 5591) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1475-1640 ; 831:05) Iests to make you merie with the coniuring vp of Cock VVatt, (the walking spirit of Newgate) to tell tales. Vnto which is added, the miserie of a prison, and a prisoner. And a paradox in praise of serieants. Written by T.D. and George Wilkins. Dekker, Thomas, ca. 1572-1632. Wilkins, George, fl. 1607. aut [4], 63, [1] p. By N[icholas] O[kes] for Nathaniell Butter, dwelling neere to St. Austins Gate, at the signe of the pide Bull, Imprinted at London : 1607. T.D. = Thomas Dekker. Printer's name from STC. Signatures: A-H⁴ I² . Reproduction of the original in the Henry E. Huntington Library and Art Gallery. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. 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Understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of TCP data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. Users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a TCP editor. The texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level 4 of the TEI in Libraries guidelines. Copies of the texts have been issued variously as SGML (TCP schema; ASCII text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable XML (TCP schema; characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless XML (TEI P5, characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or TEI g elements). Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng English wit and humor. London (England) -- Social life and customs -- Early works to 1800. 2002-11 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2002-12 Aptara Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2003-01 Judith Siefring Sampled and proofread 2003-01 Judith Siefring Text and markup reviewed and edited 2003-02 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion Iests to make you Merie : With The Coniuring vp of Cock Watt , ( the walking Spirit of Newgate ) To tell Tales . Vnto which is Added , the miserie of a Prison , and a Prisoner . And a Paradox in praise of Serieants . Written by T. D. and George Wilkins . Imprinted at London by N. O. for Nathaniell Butter , dwelling neere to St. Austins Gate , at the signe of the pide Bull. 1607. To the Reader . BOokes are a strange commoditie , the estimation of them riseth and falleth faster then the exchange of money in the Low countries , which alters more often then the english man doth the fashion of his apparell . Men that write to feede fantastike humors , are no better then Apes , that shew their trickes to others , the doing of which is painefull to themselues , and at going away are but laught at , and so nice are our Paules Churchyard-walkers in beholding these pictures , that to day they cry excellent at the drawing of that , vpon which to morrow they will cast a mewing countenance , ther 's no one Stationer stall can fit all customers with bookes to their dyet , nor can all men that write ( if all that can but speake should write ) fit some Stationers . Go to one and offer a coppy , if it be merrie , the man likes no light stuffe , if sad , it will not sell. Another meddles with nothing but what fits the time , I wold haue his shop stuft with nothing but proclamations , because he lyes i' th winde only for the change of weather . Since therefore that neither hot nor colde can please , neither straight nor crooked , can serue as a measure , to some mouthes ; what a miserable and endlesse labour does he vndertake that in a few scribled sheetes hopes to wrap vp the loues of all men . Better it were for him in my iudgement to turne his leaues into such paper-kites as boyes runne after , whilest they flye in the Ayre , then to publish his wits in Follio , and yet be counted but a foole for his labour . 〈◊〉 notwithstanding , with such a tickling Itch is this printed Ambition troubled , that some are neuer at better ease then when they are scratching vpon paper , and finde no sweetnesse but in drawing blood . Of those sharp-toothed dogs you shall finde me none , I hould no whip in my hande , but a soft fether , and there drops rather water th●n gall out of my quill , if you taste it and finde it pleasing . I am glad , if not , I cannot be much sorry , because the Cooke knew not your dyet , so that his error was his ignorance , and ignorance is a veniall sinne to be pardoned . Nam veniam pro laude pete : Laudate●● abundè Non fastiditus fi tibi ( Lector ) er● . T. D. and G. W. Iests to make you Merrie . VVhat a Iest is . A Iest is the bubling vp of wit. It is a Baum which beeing well kindled maintaines for a short time the heate of Laughter . It is a weapon wherewith a 〈◊〉 does oftentimes fight , and a wise man def●nds himselfe by . It is the 〈◊〉 of good companie . if it bee seasoned with iudgement : but if with too much tar●ness● , it is hardly disgested but turne to quarrel . A 〈◊〉 i● tried as powder is , the most sudden is the best . It is a merrie ●●●deman and hath a brother so like him , that many take them for Twins : For the one is a Iest spoken ▪ the other is a Iest done . Stay but the reading of this book● some halfe an houre , and you shall bee brought acquainted with both . The 1. Iest. A Fellow that ( to be a foole in print ) had spent the stocke of his wits vpon inke and paper ▪ and made it into a booke , offred it to sell a● diuerse Stationers 〈◊〉 , but none would buy it : At the length 〈◊〉 came to one of the company , and swore to him he should not 〈◊〉 to feare to venture money vpon it , 〈◊〉 it would be to him an euerlasting booke . Oh sayes the other then I will not meddle with it ; euerlasting bookes are ill commodities in our trade , bring me a booke that will go away , and I am for you . The 2. Iest. A Iustice of Peace found his man laying his mistresse on the lippes , at which the Iustice in a rage , and wrapping out a great oath , cald him Rascall , and asked him what he did , why sayes the fellow ( and swore as déepe as he ) I was kissing your wife . The Iustice told him if he tooke him kissing there againe , he would make him kisse in another place . Truth sir ( sayes the Seruingman ) had not you come in , I had kis● in another place indéed . The 3. Iest. A Citizen méeting by chance a kinseman of his , about the Strand , that was come to the Tearme , askt him where he had béene , who told him he had beene at Westminster : And what newes ( quoth he ) at Westminster ; Mary sayes the other Lawyers get the Diuell and all : What an Asse , replied the Citizen is the diuell ? if I were as he I would get some of them . The 4. Iest. IN the Quéenes time a couple of Merchants walking on the Change , amōgst other newes , the one told y ● other , he thought the peace betwéene England and Spaine would be broken : God help the poore Iustices then ( answered the other ) for if the peace b● broken , sure y ● Iustices of the Peace cannot be sound . The 5. Iest. A Mad countrey Parson inuiting certaine of his friends to the eating of a tyth pigge and some other good chéere , one of the guests brought along with him a Precisian , ( which se● the person neuer could abide ) and hauing carn'd once or twic● to the rest . At length he cald aloud in latin to the Precisian ( for he tooke him to be a scholler , because he went all in blacke ) Heus domine , vis tu Comedere Turdum , vis ●u comedere ●artum , vis tu comedere pistum Fartum . At which the other blessing himselfe , to thinke that a Churchman should vtter such filthy words ( as he construed them ) rose from the board and d●parted reprouing the Parson for a beastly and vnmannerly christian , whereas by Turdum he meant a blacke bird , that stood on the board , by Fartum a pudding , and by pistum fartum , a pan-pudding that 's bak'd . The 6. Iest. DOe you see ponder bawd , saies one to his cōpanion ( ●tting in a play-house together ) she should haue bin burnt once in Paris for a martir● : A martir quoth the other ? why she has suffered for the truth heere in London , for she was carted but last weeks . The 7. Iest. SIrra ( saies a Iustice to a bailie●●e , that had brought a cutpurse before him ) keepe that knaue till I call for him anon when I am more at leasure : yes quoth the bailieffe , I will keepe the knaue for your worship . The 8. Iest. A Woman seeing a tumult in the open stréete , about a man and a woman , askt one of the standers by , what the matter was : sa●es he ▪ Thou art a whore ; Thou art an arrant knaue ( saies the woman ) to call me whore , why about this ( quoth the party that was askt the question ) did those two fall out . The 9. Iest. ONe called a Captaine coward , and said he had no heart , it s no matter , quoth the Captaine , I haue legs . The 10. Iest. VVHat is the reason saies , a Gentleman to his friend , that chesse-play ( being so witty a game ) is not vsed so much now as it had wont to be : diuerse reasons , saies the others one is because Rookes stand too neere the Bishops : another is because Knights had wont to be better then pawnes , but now a good pawne is better th●● a Knight . The 11. Iest. A Taylor in this Towne maintaind a whore besides his wise , who afterwards came to the knowledge of it : where vpon , on● wondring how it should be discouered , because the Taylor was a close fellow , askt one of his neighbors , how the diuell his wife could smell out his wench : oh ; easily replyed the other , for he kept her vnder his wifes nose . The 12. Iest. An auncient Gentlewoman making her brag● , that she was descend●d from Iohn of Gaunt : One that stood by , sayd he thought she was rather descended from William the Conqueror , because her face was so old . The 13. Iest. ONe demanded of his friend what was the reason that when a man 〈◊〉 a light Wench , the ●●st word he speaks to her is , Gentlewoman will you goe to the Tauerne ? O saies the other , ● Leman is neuer good without wine . The 14. Iest. A Couple of Seruingmen , hauing drunke hard in Southwarke , came to take water about ten or eleauen of the clock at night , at S. Mary-oueries sta●res : But the M●●ne ●●ning , and a puddle of water lying before them , which th●y could not perfectly discerne ( without better ●ies ) by reason that their shadowes bid it , one of them ●●umbled and fel● in , labouring with his hands & feete as if he had bin a swimming , his fellow● stood ( so well as a man in his case could stand looking vpō him & sayd : Art thou gon ? Art thou gon● Iesus recea●● thy soule , yet if thou canst but get the Temple staires , theirs some hope thou shalt doe well enough : tush saies the other ( that was downe , ) I looke not to g●t , so I may saue my selfe , I care for no more . The 15. Iest. A Silly fellow being for some misdemeanor brought befor● the old Recorder , after some short ●xamination , was ( by him ) demāded whom he seru●d ; I serue ( quoth the fellow ) a poore kinsman of your good worship . A poore kinsman of mine thou varlet , who is that ? looke you saies he , and drew from vnder his cloake a flute . The 16. Iest. A Player riding with his fellowes ( in a yeare of Peregrination ) vp and downe the countries , resolued to be merry , th● they ●ot little money , and being to passe through a Towne , h●e gets a good way before the rest , crying ( wi●h his drawne Rapier in his hand ) which is the Constables house where is the Constable ; the dogs of the parrith at the no●se , fell to barking , the Threshers came running out with their ●●●iles the Clounes with rakes & pitch-forks , asking without what the matter was , cried still , and you be men bring me to the Co●●●able . At last , the wise Gentleman appeared in his 〈◊〉 : Are you the Constable saies the player , yes that I am for fault of a better , quoth he , why then blurt Maister Constable saies the other , and clapping spurres to his horse , gallopd away amaine , some of the companions laughing , others rayling , the Constable swearing , and the rest of the players that came behind , post through the thickest of them , and laughing the whole Towne to scorne , as if it had bin the foole in a Comedie , which made y ● hob-nailewearers stampe tenne times worse then they did before . The 17. Iest. A Company of merry Gallants , comming in a winter night late from a Tauerne , to increase that mirth in the streetes ( as they went along ) which the wine had begotten in them before , fell to taking downe of Lāthornes that their hung out . And one of them being nibling to vntie the cord at which a Sconc● hung : a seruant of the house by chance suddenly opened the doore , and tooke him at his worke , roughly asking him what he meant to doe there , nothing Sir , saies the other , but to s●uff your candle . The 18. Iest. A Young man passing to his lodging somewhat late , was by the dreadfull voyce of browne-bilmen , cald to come before the Constable ; he did so , but perceiuing him that sat there in the examiners office to be no Constable , but knew him to be a bare Deputie , and had for wages serued ( for other men ) some sixe or seauen yeares together , y ● fellow gaue him scuruy words , for which the Uice-regent of the Ward , grew so into choller y ● he swore , the great Turke should not ransome him from lying by the héeles : nay more , he would execute Iustice in his owne proper naturall person , and leade him himselfe ; he did so , and the other 〈◊〉 before , but in the middle of Cheapeside bee kneeled downe , crying out aloud : O thou euerlasting Constable , what meanest thou to doe with me ? The 19 Iest. A Seruingman bringing a Capon and white-broth to the t●ble , stumbled & let all fal to the ground , for which his Maister reuilde him , and sayd , I could haue done so much my selfe , I thinke so , quoth the fellow ; any foole may doe it , now t is done before him . The 20. Iest. VPon a time when there was a great muster made by the Citty , of souldiers , a countrie fellow séeing them march thr●ugh the stréetes , inquired of one that stood likewise by as a beholder , to what end these souldiers kept this marching ? mary to Mile-end saies the other : yea but to what end , are those Lighters and Boates , and Ships , prouiding on the Riuer ? quoth the country mā why to Theames-end , answered the other , nay but then saies he againe , to what end should they make such adoe both by Land and water ? faith replyed the other , to no End. The 21. Iest. I Thinke ( saie some to his friend ) I am the 〈◊〉 coxcom● liuing : truth , so thinke I , saies the other : why should you thinke so ( replyed the first , and grew halfe angry ) mary sayd the second , because you say so , & I hope none should know that ●●tthen your selfe . The 22. Iest. A Paire of Players growing into an emulous contention of one anothers worth , re●ulde to put themselues to a day of hearing ( as any Players would haue done ) but stood onely vpon their good parts . Why saies the one , since thou wouldst same be taken for so rare a peece report before all these ( for they had a small audience about them you must note ) what excellent parts thou hast discharged ? Mary saies the other , I haue so naturally playd th● Puritane , that many tooke me to be one . True saies the first agen thou playdst the Puritane so naturally , that thou couldst neuer play the honest man afterwards : but I ( quoth he ) haue playd the Sophy : the Sophy , replyed the second : what a murren was he ? What was he saies the other : why he was a Turke : right , quoth his aduersarie get to play as many Turkes parts as thou canst , for ●●e bee hangd if euer thou playst a good christian . The 23. Iest. A Gentlewoman comming to one that stood at a window reading a booke , Sir ( sayd she ) I would I were your booke , ( because she lou●d the Gentlemā , ) So would I quoth he , I wish you were . But what booke would you haue me to bee ( sayd the other ) if I were to be so ? Mary , an Almanacke ( quoth the Gentleman ) because I would change euery yeare . The 24. Iest. TWo Brothers méeting together , sayd the welthier of them , to the other : And how goes the world Brother ? what , you rub out , make shift to liue Yes faith replyed the second , I thank God , and liue without shifting too . The 25. Iest. A Cittizen ●●tting with his wife at doore , cald his child to him ( that was playing before them , ) to giue him an apple , and bid him say , thanke you Father ▪ the mother likewise was busie to teach him that lesson But a Gentleman passing by , iust at the instant , ( who belike had taken vp of the wife , some of her husbands commodities ) stept to her , and whispring in her eare , asked if she were not asham'd to teach her child to lie being yong : the husband séeing a stranger so sau●ie with his wife , grew halfe angry , and askt her what customer that was , & what he spake in her eare : Nothing Sir ( sayd she ) but séeing me eate apples , hee askt if I would haue any chéese to my fruit . The 26. Iest. VVHat reason ( saies one so his friend ) has your Lord to keepe a foole ? He hath no reason at all , answered the other . The 27. Iest. THou art an arrant Begger , saies a Merchant to a Scholler : true Sir , ( answered the Scholler ) for I am an hone●● man : but you can be no Begger , for all the city knowes you Play the Merchant . The 28. Iest. A Woman finding her husband reeling in the stre●tes , till hée was vnable to stand , rayld vpon him , and sayd : art not thou ashamd to lie like a drunken beast , thus in the open streetes ? thou liest like a sober whore as thou art , quoth hee , if I were a beast , I would not lie drunke . The 29. Iest. ONe that had bin Knighted but lately , ryding through Poules churchyard , his wife , his chamber-maide , the nurse , and two young children , sitting in the Coach with him , his sonne and heire , leading the way before : the creatures in blew , trotting too and too behind : Oh saies a prentice that ●●ood in his shop , to his fellow : By Ioue me thinkes , it s a braue thing to be a Knight : A braue thing , quoth 〈◊〉 fellow : what an asse art thou : a man may haue any thing for money . The 30 Iest AN old man talking with his sonne , and comparing this Age , with that which he liued in , when he was a Boy : said , that now the world was cleane found vpside downe : Nay that 's not true father , ( replyed the other ) for i● it were so , women should goe with their heeles vpwards . The 31. Iest. A Lady that by sitting to sée a play at Court , came home late , cald for victuals , and swore she was as hungry as a dogge : It may be as a bitch Madam ( sayd her page , standing by ) else the comparison will not hol● . The 32. Iest. A Fishmonger hauing lost all his money at dice , to another gamster , sauing three or foure shillings , clapt it all downe on the boord together : What doe you set ( sayd the other ? this Dosser quoth the fishmonger ) and then I haue done . The 33. Iest. ONe that had neuer bin seene to handle weapon , being met with a great basket-hilt sword by his side was demanded , why he caried so much Iron about him . Mary sayd he , for foure causes , to kill dogs , and to kéepe off Sergeants , to huff bawdes , and to guard my whore . The 34. Iest. A Yong man , being taken by a watch in the day time , for an idle fellow , was by a Constable brought before one of the Sheriffes of London , and being examined what he was , and whom he had serued , it was found that hee had bin in diuerse seruices , but had shifted his Maisters , almost euery yeere wherupon the Sheriffe sayd , hee should goe to bridewell , and there grind chalke . I am contented to doe so , answered the fellow ▪ but doe me Iustice good Maister Sheriffe , let all your Officers h●● sent to grind chalke too , for I am sure they shift their Maisters , euery yeere aswell as I. The 35. Iest. A Barber standing very sadly at his shop doore , one of his customers came to him , and asked him why he lookt so scuruily : Oh sayd the Barber , my maide has had a sore mischance , my man has playd the knaue with her , and got her with child : Call you that a mischance quath the other ? of all chances in the dice , I warrant your maide likes that best : your man has done no more then what he is bound to by indenture , which is to follow his trade , and that 's to trimme folkes . The 36. Iest. A Country Gentleman , comming downe Westward by water to London , vpon the day when my Lord Maiors Galley ●●ist was in all her holliday attire , and séeing such triumphing on the Theames , but not knowing the cause , demanded of his Watermen , why there was such drumming , and piping , and trumpeting , and wherefore all those Barges ( like so many Water-pageants ) were caryed vp and downs so gaylie with Flags , and Streamers ? It was told him , the Lord Mayor went that day to be sworne , to Westminister . What neede your Lord Mayor ( quoth he ) goe so farre to be sworne : I haue heard ther● is as good swearing in London , as in any place in England : but goe all these ( in blacke gownes ) to be sworne there too ? No ( Sir ) sayd his Waterman , these sweare fast enough in the cittie . The 37. Iest. A Company of Gallants hauing supped in a Tauerne , and being ( as the fashion is ) extreamely ouer-reckend in their bill of Items , yet paying all , departed in as extrea me a chafe ; swearing , neuer to hold vp their hands agen , at that vnmercifull barre : One of the rest ▪ as he went along , demanded in mockerie , what was to pay : Nothing , sayd one of the pewter-potclinkers : All is payd sir ; I le take my oath vpon a booke : All is payd answered the other , for we payd you well , and you haue payd vs soundly . The 38. Iest. A Scrinener meeting an Atturnie in Fleete-streete , ( after some talke had passed betwéene them ) asked him how they should doe 〈◊〉 , so much of the 〈◊〉 was cut off : truth saies the Atturnie , for my part 〈◊〉 shuffle for one : Michaelmas tearme you know is like a great houshold loa●e , you may cut out a good many shi●es , and yet feeds vpon it well too , I care not , so I may come but to haue a cut , at the last cantle . But how ( quoth the Scrinener ) if it bee cut all cleane away : Say it bee ( replyed the Lawyer , ) it s but like a Barbers cutting off a mans haire , within a little time after it will grow againe , and he 〈◊〉 to 〈◊〉 againe . The 39. Iest. VVHen the Horse 〈◊〉 on the top of Poules , a Seruingman came sweating to his Maister , that was walking in the 〈◊〉 I le ▪ and told him the wonder he had séene , and what multitudes of people were in the streetes staring to behold it , the fellow most vehemently intreating his Maister , to goe and make one . Away thou fool● ( sayd hee ) what neede I goe so farre to sée a Horse on the top , when I can looke vpon so many Asses at the bottome : O yes Sir , replyed the Seruingman ▪ you may sée Asses heere euery day , but peraduenture you shall neuer see a Horse there againe though there were a thousand beasts in the citti● . The 40. Iest. A Clarke of y ● Guyide Hall , being requested by his Client ( at the end of a Triall ) to draw him out a bill of charges : Yes sayd the Clarke , I will draw it out presently , and did so , the Client running it ouer , knew to himselfe , that he was at more cost with him , then was needfull , yet sayd nothing , because hee was to vse his helpe in other matters , but payd it all : and then requested my young Lawyer , to goe drinke a cup of Muscadine with him at the Tauerne , which he did : the Client at the end of the shot , paying all too . Nay them ( quoth the Clarke ) By the Lord , I haue done you wrong , to put you to so much charges . In good troth answered the Cliēt , so I thought before , though I sayd nothing , but since you sweare it , now I dare verily belieue it . The 41. Iest. TWO Cittizens ouer-taking one another , as they came from Westminister , ( the one of them being excéeding pen●●ue , ) it was askt by the other , why he went so heauily : O quoth hee , I haue reason to goe heauily , for I had an Action tryed to day at Westminister , of 200. ● . and it is gone against me . Who was your Counsell sayd the other : Mary such a one , replyed the second . What strange qualities , ( quoth the first ) haue these men of law , the selfe same man that makes you so heauy , has made me excéeding light . The 42. Iest. A Prisoner that stood vpon his comming forth ▪ was put backs till he had payd , such fees as the Keepers demanded of him , which he thought were vnreasonable , and against both l●we and conscience , whereupon he raild at them , cald them bloud-hounds , bloud-suckers , hel-hounds , and such other vngodly names : but one standing by , counsaild him to hold his tongue , and not to spit his venome against men that are in place , for sayd hee , Keepers of Prisons are as good men as the best , where they take . The 43. Iest. A Young wanton wench that had maryed an old man , being a Forrester , whō she had so transford , that comming amongst the heard of Deere : he went for a Stag , fell suddenly sicke , for the loue of a Gallāt , that had a good while together gone a hunting with her , but vpon some dislike of his game , gaue it ouer : the kind old fellow her husband , that suspected nothing , brought her a Doctor , but the cause of her disease being loue , she proud him a D●nce ; he could neither by her water , nor by feeling her pulse , find what sicknes bred within her : whereupon the old Ranger her husband , perswaded her , to shew all how it came first vpon her , for sayd he , we must hide nothing from our Phisitian . Why then ( quoth she ) good husband shew your forhead to him , which me thinkes is all broken out : Alas sayd he , that 's onely the weaknes of thy sight . Nay husband , ( sayd the sicke louer ) if your browes grieue not you , they shall neuer hurt me . The 44. Iest. A Country H●bbin●ll , h●●ing seene she mad-folkes in Bedlam , fell so in ●oue with their trickes , that he swore he could ●nd in his heart , to liue in the Sommer-time amongst them , and demanded ( of him that caryed him thether to see them ) how he might soonest be made to runne mad , if one had such a mind● , easily sayd the other , for doe but mary with a whore , or else haue to doe with players , and thou shalt quickly runne madde . The 45. Iest. A Wench hauing a good face , a good body , and good clothes on , but of bad conditions , sitting one day in the two-penny roome of a play-house , & number of yong Gentlemen about her , against all whom she maintaind talke . One that sat ouer the stage sayd to his friend : doe you not thinke that yonder flesh will stincke anon , hauing so many flyes blowing vpon it . Oh ( quoth his friend ) I thinke it stinckes already , for I neuer saw so many crowes together , but there was some carion not far off . The 46. Iest. LOoke ( sayd one ) is it not strange ? yonder is a fellow that the last day went for a Lieftenant , and now he is a Pandor : Alas sayd one that stood next him , Souldiers you know if they cannot get it by faire meanes , they will haue it out of the flesh . The 47. Iest. A Couple of Gentlemen talking of a common Punck , one of them sayd she was a Recusant : Nay before God , quoth the other , that 's a lie , shee le take any thing . The 48. Iest. A Uniuersity man , cald one of the Constables of London , Onyon , at which the Constable , ( as if he had bin slyced into peeces ) kept a coyle , and wondered , why he should call him an Onyon , that was rather one of the best dishes , that stood vpon the table of Iustice ; Mary sayd the Scholler , I tell thée againe thou art an Onyon , because thou hast a great head , but no wit in it . The 49. Iest. TWo Tradesmen falling out , and vpbrayding one another with house-keeping , & miserable feeding of their seruants : Saies the one , I spend more mustard and vineger , in a yeare in my house , then thou dost béefe in thine . Nay quoth the other I believe thée , for I alwaies tooke thee for a very saucie knaue . The 50. Iest. A Notable scolding Queane , ralling hand to hand , with thrée men that were her neighbours , and beating them all three at it , because it was her owne weapon ; her husband standing by ● taking part with neither . At last shee began to reuile him , and told those that fl●ckt about her , how her husband thought to haue euery rascall a top on her : And reason good , quoth one that ●ood by , what 〈◊〉 Iades for , but to be made hackneis ? The 51. Iest. A Gentleman made all the friends he could , to the Captaine of the french Kings guard , that hee might bee one of them , but the Captaine told him , he was so hardly prest vpon by sun●ry Noble men for their Seruants , and fellowes , that he could not by any meanes doe him the pl●●sure : Oh sir ( quoth the gentleman ) sure you mistake ▪ you are not ( as I am told ) so prest vpon by so many Noble men , but rather with so many Nobles . The 52. Iest. A Water-bearer complaynd before a Iustice , of his wifes misusing , and ouer-maistring him : t is strange quoth the Iustice , that you two should iarre , for I am told , that you ( Sirra ) are neuer seene to goe into an Alehouse , but your wife is seene there too ; you are neuer drunke , but she is drunke too : you neuer quarrell with your neighbours , but she quarrels too ; I wonder that hauing quallities so alike , you should no better agree . So doe I and it please your Worship ( sayd the Water-bearer ) for my owne part , I could agree with her , if shee were worse , so she would be but better ; I pray therefore let me haue her bound , either to her good behauiour , or else to the peace . Seeke but out a Scriueuer ( quoth the Iustice ) that can make such a ●ond , and thou shalt haue my furtherance . The 53. Iest. A Farmer of the country going to Law , for certaine Acres , about which he would neuer haue ve●tured his money but that his Councell whetted him on , by telling him the matter was cleare on his side , and that all the Law in England could not take it from him ; came iocundly vp to the Tearme and yet after much heauing & shouing was ouerthrowne Horse and foote , so that he had scarce money le●t to carry him home , wherevpon meeting an acquaintance of his , and wondring ( as hee said ) that men of learning should so much ouershoot themselues , in that wherein they are so perfect : oh ( replied the other ) the Sun showes men their shadowes , but not their faces . The 54● Iest. AN Apothecary that had a gallant creature to his wi●e , was wondred at , that shee ( especially ) and himselfe could be so rich in apparell , and so expensiue in dyet , hauing no customers resorting to their shop for any phisicall stuffe , but onely a few Gentlemen that came to take pipes of the diuine smoake : whereupon some of his neighbors giuing vp their credit , that this geere could not last long , oh ( said one of them ) you are all deceiued in that man , it is not possible he should sinke , hee is so well held vp by the heade . The 55● Iest. A Yong bryde ( that had married a stale ou●d bachiler ) sate at the wedding dinner with a very sad and discontented looke , to thinke what a ba● market she had bin at● but an Ancient merry gentlewoman ●●tting next to her , cheerd her vp , in her eare thus , daughter quoth the neuer repent the bargaine thou ha●● this day made , for an ou●d horse will hould out a ●●long iorney , as well as a nagge of foure yeere ould : It may be so , ( quoth the bride , ) but as little skill as I haue in riding . I doubt whether he can hould out in some hye waye● that I could name . The 56● Iest. AN impudent fellow meeting a ciuill gentlewoman vpon a narrow cawsie , that she could not passe him without striuing ( in courtesie ) to giue wayrudely brake out into this question Gentlewoman are not you a whore ? She being nothing dan●ed at his blunt beha●iour , but hauing more witte about her then he had ciuilitie , answered him thus , trust me Sir I am none now , nor euer was I any but once , and that was when your father being no better then a Chimny-sweeper , lay with me all night , whilest she whom you now cal mother kept y ● dore . The 57. Iest. A Company of ●heeues , brake 〈◊〉 night into a cou●trie schoole-maisters house , but hee hearing them , neuer stired out of his bed for the matter , but cryed out aloude you mistake your marke my maisters , goe to the next house , that 's a rich Farmers , I wonder you will loose time to seeke any thing heere by night , when I my selfe can finde nothing by day . The 58. Iest. THree waiting gentlew●men sitting vp late one euening began to shriue one another , and to know what manner of Louers each other had : saies the first I loue o●e of our Seruingmen , and I ( quoth the second ) loue the Tutor , nay ( sayes the third ) then I like my choice best , for I loue my Ladyes Gentleman Usher : out vpon him , cryed one of the other , I had rather ten other men should lye with me night by night , then one gentleman vsher . The 59● Iest. TWo friends hauing drunke much Tobacco as they safe togeither in a chamber , ( one of which was in loue with one of the ●●p●ny 〈◊〉 sinnets that lay in y ● Spittle in shoredich , and they both hauing spet much vpon the ground , one of them suddenly started vp , and with the end of a wand stood rakeing vp and downe in the spettle that lay before them , the other wondring at it , askt what he meant by doing so ? mary quot● his friend , I am trying if I can finde what ●illanie thy 〈◊〉 punc● ( whom thou dotest vpon ) is committing in the Spittl●● . The 60. Iest. A Pipe of kindled Tobacco being offered to 〈◊〉 y ● was not●● to be a greedy taker of it , was by him refused , and being demanded , why he that loued it so well , should now leaue it ? he answered , for three bad properties that he found in it , for sa●●● hee , Tobacco makes any man a thee●e ( and vpon that hangs danger ) a good fellow , ( and that requires cost , ) & a niggard ( the name of which is hatefull : ) It makes him a theefe for he will steale it from his father , a good fellow , for he will giue the smoake to a begger : a niggard , for he will not part with his ●or to an Emperour . 〈…〉 The discoueries made by Cock Wat , the walking spirit of Newgate . COck Watt , as I am priua●ly knowne , & commonly cald by knaues , theeues and con●catchers but more properly named C●ck W●r● who giues warning to Court , citie and country . Haue amongst you then , for the forefront of my name Cock , know I am so titled & discouered by it , in y ● place where I keep my twinkling 〈◊〉 , as distinctly as your likely horse by his white star in y ● forehead , your wāton wench , by her black patch worne on the side of her browe your house of iniquitis , by little cakes and lesse cans , and your perfect tuddlecap by his red nose And not vnproperly n●ither , 〈◊〉 called Cock , for about that time when the last 〈◊〉 takes his farewell of the ensuing day and that earely bird , the morning● herauld giues his wakefull sum●ōs to the darke clouds ( vnder whose canopie , théeues , baud●s , and strumpets doe their hatefu●l actiuities ) to disport themselues from the desired day by whose cheerefulnes , the honest laborer reioycingly , eates his bread got by the sweate of his browes , doe I like a cand●e at his halfe going out , in that stilnesse of ho●res , making my soueraignty amongst the monstrous thée●es and murtherers , and my pa●lac● a prison● creeping vp the wall , from side to side , and roofe to roofe , appeare . So much for the character of my name Cock , now for my name , and nature of my name Watt , or Wary , thus : know y ● I am neuer seene to make my visitation and nigh●● progr●sse , to the terrifying of some , and comfort of other : that either in my Iourney see me● or the next morning heare of me : but about thr●● dayes before the sessions or 〈◊〉 when comming into the prison . I finde for seuerall offences , plenty of offenders , some lying on hard 〈◊〉 - beds , but the most 〈◊〉 on harder bordes ▪ some with course 〈◊〉 and thinne couerings , the rest in 〈◊〉 of a 〈◊〉 barle● , or other couer●ure , heauy Irons , some 〈◊〉 lawyers , some for walking on the padd , some hor●est●a●●rs , ●ome mi●s , some foy●●● , some stals , some I●glers , some 〈◊〉 , some morts some li●●s , some d●coy●s , all cunning 〈◊〉 and cosoning quea●s , and of all these , wh●● they are , and their seuerall course of 〈◊〉 , in their due places . Where bone●● reader thou shalt perceiue , how easily thou 〈◊〉 be deceiued , bow the goods 〈◊〉 , be ready to accuse , nay euen to I●dite thy guiltlesse ser●ants , be suspitious of thy Children , and onely by the di●elish sleights of many , who 〈◊〉 with a fairer glosse of brauery , honest show of behauiour , or priuat 〈◊〉 : feede like drones vpon thy labours , and 〈◊〉 like vipers in the common wealth . But for my power and benefit of arriuall in your prison ; know I most comm●nly appeare on the side of a wall , and from thence cary my selfe about in as swift a motion , as water glides from a spring , from bed to bed , and b●●rde to boorde , onely at the head of euery pris●ner , I make a seuerall stay : And as it 〈◊〉 giuen mee by diuine power ▪ I draw from each particular ▪ the certaine continuance of his life to succeede , and whether at the following sessions or Assises , they shall bee c●●demned to suffer their deserued and shamefull death or not . At first I make my seate vppon the ●eade , where resting a whi●e , I suddenly start from thence vp to the roofe , and downe againe vppon the face , in as quick motion as lightning , when as if I had then receiued , by certaine Intelligence , whether the party I haue ●oothed on , shall bee executed or not , I thus to the Iudgement of any who are then waking make it euident . For vppon my returns , the prisoner I haue made tryall of , shall shortly 〈◊〉 , about his head and face , like a lampe neare 〈…〉 I make a 〈◊〉 twinkling and goe out . But it hath pleased GOD , his present Imprisonment hath beene layed vppon him , as a 〈◊〉 and mercifull correction , for his future amendment and to instruct him , that as this certaine to vnhonest pleasure , is begot a compa●●on repentance , so to vnlawf●ll actions , doth become this succ●ssion , a shamefull death on 〈◊〉 or the rest , that for that time are preserued , my light saileth not , but 〈◊〉 and descends from one to another : ( whome I finde lying , as they haue liued , like sw●e ) but decayeth not one any but such onely whome shortly the Lawe shall condemne , and the speedy execution thereof , cut off . While thus then , I continue my visitation , know that to th●●● to whome for that moment I am visible , the horror of thunder , mixt with the ●lashes of affrighting lightning , dreadfull to Beasts , terrible to Man , putting him in minde , that in such a minut , and by such m●●●ngers , the worlde shall determine and euery sinner shall bee cald to a strict account , wherein the best shall be found short of their reckoning , as I say , the remembrance of that hower , begets not a more earthquake in the bosomes of the wretched , then doth my light ( beeing no more in show , then a starre by vs ) increase in my beholder : for in what ra●cke of the seauen deadly ●inn●s so euer his conscienc● doth witnesse against him , that his prisoned life hath marcht in , seeing my light , for the same foot●●●ps , extinct vppon another , hee expects the like due rewards is desc●nd vppon him selfe . And in this terror of his , the plagues here is euery seuerall sinne , are as visible in the eyes of his soule , ●s they were then thrusted in Hell , for the corruption of his bodie . If hee haue beene as proud as a Player that feedes on the fruite of diuine poetry , ( as swine one 〈◊〉 ) that 〈◊〉 from the noble O●● of their ●●ndes , and in the least Win●er of prosperitie , will not stick to make their ●●ye , in that bo●ome which of late 〈◊〉 them , in an hower 〈…〉 like this , they shall with trembling remember ( what in the height of their vaineglory they presumptuously forgot ) that though they are in their fulst of rankor , fatted vp like a Bore in his trunck that eates vp all is brought vnto him , yet are they stil but swines flesh , that the damnedst shew , will not eate a bit one , nay the Diuels themselues thought them the fittest r●●●es , vnder which to keepe their Court in , semper excipimus , and that a minuit will come perhaps in this moment , when they shall be like Tantalus in hell , to gape after their old fodder , but get none of it or in such an howre as this , when either I or death shall visit them they shall euidently perceiue it was their pride which is the peruerter of all vertue , taught them to thinke , themselues wise , but prou'd fooles , instructed them to despise learning , scorne pouerty , mew at desert , yea and that merit , which from starke Asses , which they naturally were , made their fit momusses worthy to be laught at , yet remembers them withall in their best prosperity , they are but like the flower sparagus , that growes out of euery mans dunge , and contemned of euery man. If hee haue beene as enuious as a serpent , enemie to all mankinde , and hath giuen as many pricks , to the destruction of a mans life , & reputation , as a taylor , stitches in his clothes ; for this long tongue and tooth'd maleuole , ( that lookes as desperately on the prosperity of any , as your vsurer on a yong heire , greedy to deuoure him ) hath not the feathers of his birdboults glewed on onely with backbitings , calumnies , and slanderous reproaches which onely contummate the credyt , but he hath as many shapes besides , as Proteus , and like Signior don spaniardo , who in fight , aymeth all at the hart , or your northerne fencer , in playing his prise , who sticks your marke fairer vpon his own brest yet sends his stoccado cleanly into your bosome , so will hée vpon any occasion of reuengement shift himselfe into seuerall suites of Apparell , into a mans dish , his drinke his nosegay , his any thing he has an excellent wardrop too , change of garmēts , and not beholding either to his mercer , marchant or taylors Booke ( as I hope most of our gallants are ) for a penny . O enuy thou forerunner of murther ( as a great mans sumpter-horse who makes shew before that his Maisters comming after ) ●●sit thy 〈◊〉 , wash thine e●es that lookes flaming like the ceaselesse fire of the Glashouse , doe not vse to grate thy iawes , nor haue the continuall hartburning at other mens happinesse , but by y ● misery which these feele , by beholding of me repent thy life , and reforme thy condition , for know it seemes to them in the instāt , they are tórne by Diuels in the shapes of dogs , in that bl●●● & read kingdome , for béeing so dogged to mankinde , twixt whom and them there was a christian affinity here vpon earth . If he haue béene as letherous as a mountaine goate , and to kéepe his effeminacy in repaire , and make his desires perpetuall , hath beene at cost to maintaine his monethly bathes , somentations , electuaries , and to cherish his loy●es in high 〈◊〉 , hath had his Culle●●es of dissolued pearle , and bruis● amber , 〈◊〉 , cocksparrows , braines of larks , lambst●●● all the earths chiefest vyan●s , to r●●lenish his pleasures , and p●mper vp his rancknesse in this minut , by me his ●essenger , hee is remembred , all is vanity : And begins to reckon with him selfe , how miserable man is , whose body is preserued from the plenty and cheefest of the land , and by the delicatest store of the sea , yet thus nourisht and nusled vp , not as all other creatures or for man y ● nobler person , but for wormes the very dregs and ●●●all of the earth ▪ and as he hath liued licentiously like a g●ate , so his skin bathed , rubd , sterket nay perhaps painted for that purpose , shall then like a goate be tand not to make spruce spanish leather , fit for wanton Ladies shooes , but to make gloues for friends , ( like Salamanders skins ) able to resist the heate of the low country : for though they are farre from the Sunne , they alwaies liue in the fire , and the best ●ffice their hides can be put to ● is to make pumps for Proserpin , gra●●d Pluto King of Lecyfrs Concubine . And as of these● so insues to all the rest , such as by drunkennesse , haue made their bodies like dry fats , and their fac●● like a shriefes post of seuerall colours or swearers , whose oaths fly out at their mouths , like smoake out of a chimney , that de●●les all the way it passes , or lyers , and such commōly are theeues : for lying and stealing , or as inseperable companions , in sinfull society , as a théef● and a receiuer , and indeede all sinners of what condition so euer , are at the sight of me , struck with a suddaine and violent remorce , reckon vp their liues , and make themselues Iudges of themselues in these offences , wherein their conscince giues ●estimonie against them , that they are guilty , and in 〈◊〉 present horror , they s●eme in minde to ta●e the vpright Iustice and punishment which they know , long before this they haue deserued . Well , hauing brought these that behold me into this ague , you walking spirit will 〈◊〉 them in their 〈◊〉 , and returne to the rest , whom wée left 〈◊〉 ●●ely by the way , I could wish that I had that su●●erance in the Citie , that I progresse once a moneth , about the Goale , I then durst vndertake , you should soone heare of more charity , and fewer cuckolds , find-lesse houses ▪ & more hospitality , not so many promises , but more payment , not so many Foles rich , and so many wise Beggers , nothing should be amisse , all should b●● amended , or your Cock Wach would walke the sinfull round like a Sentin●ll , and the sinners should swet ●ort . But to them whom I left sléeping , not like the rest of good men , wherein they find comfortable recreation after their carefull labours , but like the sléeps of ●illayns : For somnia bonoru● meliora quam malorum . So I finde these not in sound sléepes , but distressed flūbers , troubled dreams , visited with stairings , grones and passions , and afflicted in minde , as they are persecuted in bodie , one that went drunke to bed ouer night , hee réeles in his sléepe , and sweares to begin at the last halfe pot , where he left in the morning , others that haue béene ●* soysts , all or the most part of their time , and thriued well in the profession , and now lately drawne into some other action , as they call it , as to breake a house , or to lift a cup from a Uinteuers red barre , to be 〈◊〉 for it at the black barre in the old bayly , he curses his education , complaines of the destynies , malignes his starres , and concludes thus , what a villon was I , to leaue my old trade , meaning picking of pockets , to vsurpe and ●eale into an othermans mysterie , namely house-breaking , or what other waies ; I heretofore haue liued well by mine owne , and that which I was brought vp in , drawne forty or fifty pound for mee and my punck , in one tearme , out of a rum coues ●ung , ( so called in their canting vse of spéech ) ( and as much as to say in ours , a rich chuffes purse ) and now after in my many escapes , common bale , the helpe to many a venterous thée●e , a plague of all Ill lucks , I must ride Crowee as much as to say , beha●ged for a trifle , & in the bitternesse of his passion , breakes out thus , may all they take another mans trade vpon them , neuer spéede better . Here you must vnderstand euery man kéepes his own trade , among théeues as orderly , as they of the twelue companies , as he that is a vintner , is a vintener and no more , so he that is a pick-pocket , is a pickpocket and no more : and so of the rest , yet in the end , closes vp his elegie , beeing sung 〈◊〉 his dreame , with this resolution , well I haue seene the worst , t is but halfe a● howres hanging , t will saue mee halfe a yé●res drinking , twoo turnes , the knot vnder the eare , and a wry mouth will doe it ▪ let me sweete hart , ( speaking by his mort ) haue a white sh●●te tyed about mee , and my black wrought Cap on my head , my nosegay in my hand , t is but the way , which many a good fellow has gone before , and welcome death , when she perhaps , then present with him , as if their soules did ●●mpathise in one , answeres dialogue wise to him , making vp her protestations with ●thes enowe , no doubt of it , his will see will s●● performed , nay for his sake , she will neuer loue none of his 〈◊〉 more neuer come vp newgate staires , nay for euer will be a stranger to the I le of man , in remembrance of him . Well , suppose the Sessions past , our dreamer awake , and caried in a cart to haue a corner of Docter Stories cap , whē she once s●ing him gone , makes no doubt but he has borne a noose w t him , will hold him fast enough from comming back , & straight she forgets her promises , neuer to haue more friends , nay ten to one , neuer takes care to see him buried , y ● hath brought himselfe to the gallows for her , but rather studies , where and how , she may get money to bee drunke with a new loue , and in fresh fild cups , make vp a new combination between thē , thus like water men , that shift their fares , from one landing place to waite for another , so doe these morts euery sessions shift their sutors , they dispatch o●e at Newgate stares , & a Noble to a groate , they take vp another betwixt that and Tiburne . Yet shall it not be Impertinent , that I Cock Watt , your new discouerer , make euident , what vse these kinde of people draw from these she creatures , both abroad and in prison , first know , that your thée●es trauelling mort , is partly a setter of rob beries , partly a théefe her 〈◊〉 , but alwaies a receiuer of whats● euer is ●●lne and brought vnto her : for which fellonies , if him whom she cals her hus●and , chance to be apprehended , she tross in his businesse , labours his aduersarie to be good to him , & suffer him to be bayld ●ut , you shall want no teares , no knéelings , no intercessions , no perswasions , that it is the first fact that euer the poore man her bedfellow fell into , and will you s●ke his bloud , that he was neuer in prison before , and will you bee his ●●doing , when if you but search the record at Newgate , you sh●ll 〈◊〉 him to haue payd his garnish twentie times at least , but if it proue that at her Importunity you are mooued , and in pitty of her , spare her mates life . Take this from me , it shall happen to you , as to an honest Iuror of this City not long since , who séeing a comely proper yong man stand i●dighted for a purse , and by his verdit giuen against him , ●as to be hanged , in pity of his present youth , and hope of better grace to come , béeing at that time foreman of the Iury , so laboured with his a●●●tants , that for that fact hee was acquitted , who in recompēce presently vpon his discharge , paying his fées , came to the place where this Iuror was , and pickt his pocket , then i● poore Cock may not preuaile wt●ou t● spare none of them , learne this of Horras . Quo semel est Imbuta re●ens seruabit odorem Testa d●●● A 〈◊〉 vessell will neuer bee made swéete , and our english prouerbe is as true as old , saue a theefe from the gallowes , & hee le hang you if hee can , and though these parties themselues will in person no more steale from you , yet imboul●●cd by your pitty they will be instruments , to intice others to worke you hurt , otherwise if shee findes you not moued at her Crocadiles teares , but according as iustice in y ● case has prouided will prosecute against him , then fals she to rayling against you , abuses your 〈◊〉 ●annes your children curs●s your procéedings , and if she haue a childe her selfe , brings it and sayes at your doore shee will leaue it , for you or the parish to bring vp , if by your meanes her hus●●nd perisheth , thinking thus to ouercome you with impudence , if shee could not doe by perswasion , they that haue had any trading know this to be true , then poore Cock leau● & euery man to his ow●e discretion , and will now tell how these shee b●asts behaue themselues abroade . In the day time two of them neuer lesse , often more , w●lke vp and downe streets together with their handbaskets in their hands , so neate and decent in atire , that suspition it selfe cannot cease on them for other , then people of honest conuersatiō when vigilantly as thy passe along , they cast their eyes about , to obserue where , they can finde a shop furnished , but with one to giue attendance on customers , be it ma●●●●●r , mistresse , or man , so but one they respect not , which taken note of , into that shop of what trade soeuer they wil enter , for these wil play small game before they will sit out , mary their chiefs venture is eyther with Mercers , Gouldsmiths , Linnen drayers , ha●●da●hers and such like ( now a simple man would thinke these should bee credible people that thus loue to deale with the best● ) at first they demand for this , or that sort of wares , as rings , taffety , cambricks ▪ hats , gloues , garters , or what soeuer the shoppe keepes 〈◊〉 of , much they desire to see but are contented with none , yet still requesteth you to turne about and reach h●r this thing or th●● thing , all which trouble is to no more purpose , but that 〈◊〉 your face is away from them , they may ●●ke aduantage to 〈◊〉 somwhat away from you , which at that instanc● she that is ●ext you failes not 〈◊〉 ●ffect , and closely conuayes it to her that stands of fit purpose a prety way off , thus hauing the pray they fish for , she modestly dis●ikes your wares , sayes she is sory shee has troubled you , she will now make bold to see further , and if she cannot speed her selfe better , she will returne to you againe , a●d whilest she is vsing this complement , sh●e withall opens her basket , shakes and begins to gather vp her cloth●● , and you seeing no occasion of mistrust , the one , laying all meanes to free suspition opens to you , and the other standing aloofe and not comming neere your wares , kindly bids them welcome & so part , you to the making vp of your wares againe ( and ten to one for that instant misse nothing ) and they to make away that purchase , and by the like to prouide for more . Thus is many an honest Cityzen robd , ten , nay perhaps , twentie times , vy the vildnes of this condition , and of long time mistrust nothing , but comming to cast vp his shop , findes his goods gone , and no acount to be made of them , he suspects his wife , distrusts his children , accuses his seruants , when these make pray of your endeuours , and consume your substance in as vild or vilder manner then they get it . Another instruction learne , to auoyd these dangers by , at the coming in of two in this fashion , into your shop , though by your vigilance both in laying out & making vp of your wares , you are certaine there is nothing lost , yet of her that stands aloofe haue this foresight , that nothing lye within her reach , for while shee perceiues your eye to be diligent on her you are seruing , her eye is not idle to obserue what lyes at randome abroad , for thothey haue beene hole ●olts of Hollād , peeces of Taffety , or Sattane probatum est , that many an honest man hauing had a care of y ● o●e , haue beene by the other whom they mistrusted not in the meane time deceiued , for sometimes , they will not come in as of one aquaintance , but when she perceiues you busied with the other , and cals hard for such wares which she knowes you , haue , whē you as loth to loose a customer , intreat her but to slay a litle & you will attēd her straight , she ●aies she will y ● other whō you are seuing there prolonges the time , and shee walking about about till shee has plaid her prise , in fit opportunity takes h●● leaue and saies shee will come againe when you are 〈◊〉 more leysure , and so at one time giues you the list and the slip , straight retires home to her Copesmates , who neuer go● abroade vnles sometimes to be drunke but liue like ●wl●s , wh● in the day are wondred at and seldome seene but by night , when your goods are deuided , and you the honour for your neglect iested at . But if , as it is seldome they misse of their purpose , yet come they not home , without meanes to set some other pr●ie●● a foote , as by noting your dores sellors , windowes , casements , whether your seruants lye in your shop , and how they finde all things easily for entrance , or defensiue● against a burglary , y ● next night , when , with two or thrée men and a boy , the purposed act , as shall be after reuealed in what manner is vndertooke . These that thus steale , for there be of them , both men and women , are among them selues called running lifts , of which , there are that steale in another maner , and thus it is . If they perceiu● a Nobleman or gentlemans dore opē , they will straight without asking presse in , and so far vp , euen to the fairest lodgings where if by chance they are met by any , and resisted with this question , who would you speake withall , they haue either of these two answeres , for their reply , Pray you is not this such a Ge●tlemans house , who dwelleth within a ●●re or two of , or is not such a gentleman within , whose lodging they know it is , & they themselues haue watcht his going out , but if as it often happeneth , they bee intercepted by none , what plate , apparell any thing of worth happens in their way ▪ it is 〈◊〉 to their net : for in things that are trifles , these will not venter , as I will now tell you of a trick that happened to a gentleman of worth , nere Holborne , by one of this profession , and the shee théefe yet liuing , the more is the pitie . This gentlewomans maide being vp earely in y ● morning it was her chaunce to come out at the street doore , to go into y ● sellor to fetch coles or some other necessaries , she had presently to vse , w t this , she lift perceiuing , slept in & in an instant vp toward the chambers ( hauing prouided at for the purpose , on her feet , a paire of cloth 〈◊〉 with pump soles , so far was she climde ●til shee was at the chamber doore where the gentleman & his wife lay , as she suspected a sleep , for it was in the morning early , the maid● by this time was come out of the sellor , & going forwarde with her busines in the Citchen misdoubted nothing : while she list●●ng at the chamber doore if she could heare all quiet , in the end went in , but it was the gentlemans chaunce at this time to be awake , and perceiuing betweene two curtens the glance of a woman to passe by , closed his eyes of purpose & lay breathing as if he had slept soundly to note the euent , when shee thinking all safe opened a presse doore that stood in the roome , & in which was the whole encrease of the gentlemans plate , and began to ●ather it out as charily , and with as much regard for bruising as it had bin her owne , first she filled this pocket , then y ● , t●entother , took vp this vpper cote then a second , then a third , euen to her very smoke , which the gentlman perceiuing he thought like Bankes his horse , or the Baboones , or captaine Pold w●th his motion , shee would haue showne him some strange & monstrous ●ight for his siluer & guilt before she had left him , at last hauing fild some eight or ten deep pockets , too many for an honest body to beare , made the gentlman thinke she had made them a purpose to carry his plate in , downe went all her co●es as the seuerall couers of them , and hauing now left no more in the c●bbord ● but one faire bason and ewer out came that too , & being as charitably minded towards that as the rest , because it should not lie abroade and take cold , she g●ue it houseroome in her apron , which he that ought it percie●ing , said smilingly to himselfe , I see now that theeues haue no conscience , well she began to trusse vp her selfe , hoping for a boone voyage , & like a theefe as she came vp , to steale out of the chamber , mary better ballast by three or foure hundred pound then at her comming to that rode , when the gentleman stepping out of his bed● caught her by the arme , and cried halfe share in faith , for in this commody I haue playd a part and deserued it well , thankes bee to the Diuill , shee had scarce so much yet as to blush at it , but in bréefe , he cald for his neighbors , vpon whose comming , his goods béeing sound about her , she was caried before a Iustice , and from thence to prison , but whether of the gentlemans mercy , or what composition , I know not , ( but money can do much ) in three or foure daies , she outrun the kéepers , and was quit of her trouble , which makes poore Cock Watt to complaine , that such ●●ld théeues should haue better luck then honester men , and for that I know , let them haue neuer somuch mercie shewed them , they are still like dogs , Redire ad vomitum , what though one Broker , who had his beginning from an inch of this profession , is now become an honest man , because he is rich , and a fréeholder , he yet must be no president for the rest , for might I haue beene her Iudge , shee should haue had her due , and ●anst Derriks ●ance in a hempen halter . I my selfe haue liued in the same state , when I was a creature on earth , wherein they remaine , and I know , their custome so vilde , and life so abhorred , that I had rather chuse with those , whom Circes transformed , to liue in the nature of bruit beasts , then to reassume my antient habite , and liue like them . Another sort of these shee morts , or monsters . I must Anatomise vnto you , who though their nature of stealing be alike , their maner of attēpting is different , yet their purpose one , & they are led Glimerers . Your Glimerer , shée s vp in the morning betweene 5 or 6 of the clock , drest in her night attire her bodies and cotes scarce laced togither , her apron defusedly put on , & with a black brād in her hād , of the colour of her owne soule , which she caries vnder her apron , as if to kindle that , were her purposd busines , about stréete she goes , taking the like opportunity with the former , to goe into any house where she finds the doore open nay presumes further : If it be in the darkest winter mornings , to knock for admittance , if she but perceiue a light● when the mayd or man seruant , but most commonly y ● mayd , comming to know her arrand , she desires to haue leaue to kindle her stick , which vsuall curtes●e bé●ing granted , in she goes into the kitchen● and while her stick lies in the fire , as if she were a seruant : newly come to some Gentleman or Citizen thereabouts ( whome shee 〈◊〉 perfect to nominate ) she begins with that goships chat , which is familiar and in vse amongst ●atling houswiues , which is to discouer the humor , and manners of their maisters & mistresses , their forme of gouernment in their house , how they agrée , or disagrée , one with another , & in what order they must rub their roomes , wash , dresse meate , reckoning vp all the forme of her huswiferie , to kéepe her mistres 〈◊〉 quiet , ( when as she seldome meets it otherwise ) finding the other as ready to enquire and listen after nouelties , as she to offer , she begins to commend her cleanlines , and de●ence in keeping that house in so good order , praises the pillors of the building , the necessary contriuing of it , and offers her selfe to walke further into the next parlor , to haue more caus● to speake more in her commendation , when this mistru●●les soule , proud to heare her selfe praisde , & suspectlesse that she com●● for any other end but to kindle her sticke , keeps waitfull eye ouer her , but giues way to her presumption , which leaue giuen she has dispatcht that she came for in a twinckling , and neuer comes back empty handed , takes vp her sticke , giues some kinde farewell at parting , as I hope we shall meet at the Backehouse , or Market & be merry , or if you receiue on Palme sunday next , I would be glad to haue your company , & so with her new purchase departs , the maide she followes her busines , and not long after , riseth her maister and mistres , when shortly whatsoeuer the vulture had before made gripe of , is mist , the maide accused for it , and the maister and mistres angring against her , they saw themselues their goods but late last night when they went to bed , and of her they must know what is become of them , y ● accused wretch she weepes , protests she knowes not , & vowes to her knowledge , nay she is certaine there came none in but such a gentlewomans maide , rehearsing her name , whose seruant she had named her selfe to be to kindle a brande , then whiles the maister ●rets and is suspitious that his maide is a thee●e , the seruant is a ielous y ● the maister or mistres haue béene théeues to themselues , & conuaide away their goods , with intent to defraud her of her wages , in y ● end the gentlewomans house before named is enquired alter , and the seruant examined , and not found to haue beene in the others house , as the accused● had inferd , the suspition growes more strong : for the maister knowes his goods to be lost , findes his seruant whom he suspects to faile in her answere , & doubting no such ●raudulent practise , as these drones haue inuented , imprisons his maide , ●ay somtimes as in case of a fellon , proceeds in ordinary tryall against her , that were not our graue bench of Senators , Preleous , & Patrons of this comon wealth , carefull to distinguish betwixt partie and partie , the Lambe might oftentimes perish for the wolues rauenings . So this I hope then shall be sufficient for maisters to giue admonishment to their seruants to be warie ouer them that come to kindle sparkes . By your leaue yet , and let your new discoueror wade a little further , and giue warning to Merchants wiues and women of the best sort , to learne how to preuent this fresh practise inuented to deceiue them . There is a new company arising , though not yet halfe so many in maner , as y ● fellowship of the Porters , & thus call themselues Reachers , they walke togeither Male and Female , and keepe house together like man and wife , they will haue you a house to dwell at about Endfield , Brainford , or any place within 6. 7. or 8. miles of London , but withall kéepe a priuat lodging for them selues to retire vnto , at one Brokers house or another in the suburbes , vpō the market daies these two come to towne ▪ she attired like a comely country woman , in cleanly white linn● with a muster on her face , and in russet clothes outward signes of the countries honest simplicity , & in her mawnd or basket which she beares on her arme , lapt in a pure white cloth , some fine tidy pig , fat goose , yong kid , orh aunch of venison , indéed any prouision but of the daintiest , which eyther she can buy for her money , or more probably her mate may steale from any , in this neat maner lapt vp , the ware it selfe of the delicatest , able to entice any eye to haue a desire to buy of her , comes she to make her markets , when lingring in the towne , at on place of receist or other , as they want no shelter t●●l toward y ● breaking vp of the market , which is much about y ● houre when exchange time is held for the m●ting of our merchants , when thus cōiecturing , as very profitable it is , that at that time our worthiest citizens are from home , they goe into Milk-street , Bread-street , Lime-street , S. mary Axe , or the most priuiest places where they kept their residence to make their ●enture , when she knocks at the doore , and demands of the seruant that comes whether her worshipfull good mistresse bee within , and whether it will be her pleasure , to buy of her , her goose , pig , kid , or whatsoeuer , when shewing it to the seruant , ( and she can do no other but commend it , ) she prayes her to expresse the purely of it to her mistres , that she may bargaine for it : For in truth sister , quoth she , we poore country folkes , dare not proffer any thing so dainty as this to the open view of the market , lest any one of spight , informe either the King , or my Lord Mayors officers thereof , and so our goods shall be taken from vs , we hauing not halfe the vallue returnd vs for recompence . With this reasonable and honest seeming preuention , the maide knowing her mistres to be of the minde of all our Citizens gallant wiues , loth to let any dainties , or good thing go by from their owne tasts , which they either haue desire vnto , or may haue for money , though they pay neuer so deere & their husbands prooue bankerupts for it , wils her to come stand within the doore , which she indeede requests , left any Catch-pole or busy knaue should se her , and so her commodity be forfeited , being as it is held vnlawfull , the sale to be offered not at the market , well the maide goes vp to informe her mistres , ( and withal takes the dainties along with her . whom she finds in her chamber , perhaps scarce redy , for t is growne a fashion amongst them to eate their breakfasts in their beds and not to be ready till halfe an houre after noone , about which time , their husbands are to returne from the Bursse and they make it their dinner time , now while the mayde is aboue , flattering her mistres ( as flattery is a part of their worke , for why they haue their wages , with the delicasie of the offer and the cleanlines of the country woman , which brought it to be sold , the Fox beneath 〈…〉 what pray she can espy , to carry home to her den , whē 〈◊〉 hole piles of broad clothes , Cearses , or such like commodities , too burthensome for any one to suspect a lone woman could defra●d you of she straight beckens ouer her companion , who stands ready at an inch , & being a quicke good sturdey knaue , with a hand shifts a way one of them . This is no surmise , there is merchants in this towne , by the losse of commodities 20 ● thicke can witnesse it well , by this time the gentlewoman has lik● that which was brought her , cals for , and commends the country womans cleanlinesse , bargaines with her at her owne rate , and requests shee may see her chap-woman on the like occasion , by this also has my porter , though without the badge of the porters Hall , brought his burthē to the Brokers house ▪ where béeing once put in : t is an abisse too bottomlesse for any search to reach out againe . O your cloth is good ware , it may be cut out into seuerall garments , by this also my marchants come home , where soone taking note of his losse , it makes his wiues markets eate not half so sauery as they would haue done , yet in the end ●ends for a cup of sack , and comforts himselfe with this , that I in his behalfe , would admonish theword , Foelix quem faciunt aliena pericula cautum . And this much for my order of lists , which I hope shall be a caueat sufficient for courtiers , to haue a care of their chambers , gentlemen their lodgings , citzens their sho●s , chapmen to haue an eye at their faire , and by diligence , defend that hereafter which by these meanes heretofore hath béene their hinderance . Now to our Foysts , alias , pickpocket , alias cutpurse , he has as many alias as a good gentleman of Wales ▪ and indéede is as good a benefactor to the alehouse hee consists of an army of three strong ▪ namely , foystes and snaps , his common wealth to liue in , or ground to encamp in , is the antient great grand father Powles , & all other little churches his children , besides Parish garden , or rather ( places of more benefit ) publick , & by your leaue priuat play houses Westminster hall is his good soyle , the dark entry going to the Six clarcks office , in chancary lau● his in the tearme time his deere and speciall good friend , London bridge his bountifull benefactor , all markets are his pur●eiors , and carefully prouide for him all faires his diligent factors , that bring him in his prouision in abundance , all pockets his exchequor , that are neuer shut against him , progr●sses his true paymaisters , though they pay seldome-in y ● Court or cock-pit , though the King himselfe be there , he dare incounter , he pri●e●●●ges no person , nor no place exempt with him , only the Exchange excepted , for saies he , where merchants méete , is no méeting for vs , If they once take vs , we are sure tog● to the old turn , for they are men deale all with great store of money , & very little mercy , the times when his skirmishes are hottest , is y ● time when they run attilt , is the day the Lord Mayor takes his oath , a new play , or whē some great cause is hard at the Star Chamber , now for the person himselfe that dus pick the pocket , and his ministers about him that giue furtherance to the action . Know at a new play , he is alwaies about the playhouse do●e , watches out of which side you draw your purse , & then gessing whether the lyning be worth the ventring , for that serues his turne , if hee see you buying of ware at any stall or shop , hee obserues when you pay for t , on which side you put your purse , and that serues him likewise , If in a throng he thus comes to knowledge whether your pocket be worth the sacking or no , If you be a man that once appeare likely to him , hee gathers iust behind , or on the side of you , and there clapping his hand easily on the place where the bottome of your pockets are , poyses them with all , and by the waight getteth how well they are ballast , if he bée a Countryman that comes from far to the tearme , or one that dwels not farre from London , or seruingman , such either to bestow money , if he walke without a cloake , as for the most part they will , two of them méete him at a corner ▪ and only with streaking of their hands on his hose , gesse whether this bayle be worth the nibling at , nay perhaps at the first encounter , gaue it the draught , but this happens not alwaies the generall . Then thus . When they haue once agréed , which is the Coue they will ●asten on , if it be in a throng or gasing after any obiect to delight you , the stall he gets before you , and there he rings himselfe too & fro , while the foyst dooing as much behind , they both disquiet you , & the one picke your pocket . If they follow you in the stréet , and once know where the bung and the bit is , as much as to say , your purse and the money , out goes your stall before likewise , when comming at a corner , by which you must passe , being direct before you , stoopes of the sudden , as if to take vp somwhat , when the other as néere behinde you , as if hee were to passe by in hast , Ius●es you vppon to ther , and withall drawes your purse : Thus rather then fayle , will he follow you , and offer vpon you twice or thrice , if he misse at the first of his purpos● al this while , now you shall sée like a scout , he come after a loofe , watching , If any stranger were suspitious of you in the iusle , or the man himselfe , which if he finds and you before haue sped then comes he apace after you , and ere the man in that space , has time to miss● his purse , and come after you , he glides by the foyst , with these words , kinchen the coue toures , which is as much as , Fellow the man smokes or suspects you , when the foyst slips the purse either to him or the stall , & feares not to be searcht , nay vpon the challenge will so out-face the party : and stand vpon his credyt , beeing sure there is nothing to be found about him , and the rest gone : that the honest man is rather ready to aske him mercy then accuse him : and now I will tell you a prety tale of a foyst , whose unpudent euent happened at Charing Crosse , not long since . Their liued a foyst in this Towne , whose gettings by the trade was so good , that he kept his punck , though he called her his wife : in none worse ware , then Taffeties and Ueluet of the best , and himselfe more like a rich knight , then a kua●ish Cutpurse : and indéed the comlinesse of his feature and faire behauiour , was so answerable to the brauery of his apparels , that it procurde him accesse into the worthiest places , nay oftentimes made him estéemed as a companion with the best , this fellow seing a good lusty Seruingman , & one hopefull to haue some purchase in his pocket would serue his turne , if he could get it , stept to him , and as he wisht gaue him a little Iustle : and withall , twicht 3 ● out of his pocket , the seruingman , who but new before had ●ought a peny worth of pares , and ●pon this thrust , ●lapping his r●and to his side and ●ist his purse , stept after the loy● , and rouded him , what do you here gentleman ? ( for by his apparell he apear●d no lesse ) though I put vp your iustle , I wold bee loath ●o haue you put vp my purse , there is thrée pound in it , come let me hat it againe and no more words out , the pickpurse vpon this challenge began to reuile the honest fellow , calling him rogue , ●laue , knaue , and I know not what , to charge a Gentleman , of my fashion with thy purse , as they were at these words , being spoke against a great faire House , where some great personage dwelt , comes me a Coatch whirring on the suddaine , and there made a stand , to discharge his burthen at that lodging , when as the Lady dismounted , the foyst béeing exceeding gallant , tooke occasion by the hand , stept to her , caught her by the arme , and lead her in , leauing the f●llow in a muse , whether he were awake , and might assertaine himselfe , he had lost his money or no. The foyst by this time had brought in the Lady , where after some curtes●e discharged , stept to her , kist her and departed , leauing the gentlewoman in as strange wonder who it should bée had done her that present seruice , and blaming her memory y ● she should forget in what place was begun their acquaintance . ( when indéede her eies and his did neuer parle together before ) yet gessing by his habite , he could be a man worthy of no lesse then that kindnesse , a kisse which she had receiued , she past it ouer . By this time the foyst was come back to the seruingman , & roūdly began to tell him , that now he had brought in his honourable Aunt , he should know he had done him wrong , to charge him with his purse , he would fight with him , y●●ellow séeing him selfe thus outfaste out of himselfe , and holding it his best to proceede no further , replyed , It he had done him wrong , ● r he was sory for t , but howsoeuer hee was sure thrée pound he had when 〈◊〉 ius●ed him , and hee was as sure t was hee ius●ed him , and withall answered the foyst , I am as sure thou presumptuously didst challenge me for it , and I am sure I will fight with thee . The fellow halfe angred for the losse of his money , entertaind this offer : and into Tuttle fields they went where they had not changed past halfe a dussen thrusts , but the foyst had hurt him in the arme , and so they gaue ouer , but ere they parted , the foist puts his hand into his pocket , told out twenty shillings of his money , and speaking to the fellow , sayd that hee should see hee would proue himselfe a Gentleman , since he had but him , there was so much for him , & so sent him to the Chirurgio●s , the seruingman praysing his resolution and minde of a Gentleman , they so parted , the seruingman with thanks , and the foyst with this Impudent bost . If this were not a trick to shift a foole . A more knaue learne mee , and I le go to schoole . But now to the manner of the foysting of a pocket , the sharing of the money , and how honest men may auoide them . First know your pocket is drawne vp , that he may the easier come by your purse with two fingers , onely the fore-finger and the middle , and with that forke , he cetches hold not of the lining , nor on the side next your skin , but the other : for if hee should faste● on that ne●t your thigh , he were in danger you would feele him sooner then on the other . When hauing drawne your pocket vp , till he can reach your purse , it is then gon with the least twitch nay by this meanes of drawing , If your money be loose , they will turne you the case cleane out , and the bit , into their hands , now for the sharing of this bit , as they call it , your Stall is equall part with your foyst , if the foyst his none , which is shift some aside , ere they come to sharing , but your snap has his wages at their discretion . For the manner to auoide them , though their cunning bee great , it is very easie , which is , if euer you take any , to hang them , and let not this composition preuaile with you , for that meane of compounding with the aduersarie , hath béene like an vsher to ●enstole in this mysterie of cutting of purses , embol●ned many schollers , and increast their number , and also to bee gog●uernd by these instructions , If béeing in a Crowd you perceiue a busy knaue , or cunnin● whore , ( for wee haue shee foysts as well as hée ) labouring and thrusting about you , how gallant so euer they bée in apparrell ) and the male haue alwaies one side of his cloke cast ouer his shoulder , for that 's the perfect badge to know a pick-pocket in a throng by , séeme either not at all to regarde him , till you take him in the trap , or else looke once or twise eagerly vpon him , then l●●ke away , and then léere at him , kéeping your hands downe on the ●ide of your pockets , when presently he will perceiue himselfe to be smoked , or at least , in his guilty conscience suspect himselfe , and so shew from you , from whence you may take note of him for one o● the trade , and for that time are rid of a knaues company . If going through the stréete , or standing at some Corner , your purse be attempted with a iustell , vpon the touch , haue this in remembrance straight to search , if you misse nothing , when , if you finde your purse wanting , spare not to apprehend him that iu●led you , and him that stood next before you , when though they will appeare to you to haue no acquaintance , you shall finde them a kinne in conuersation , when they come to Newgate . Now if he haue mist his hold , and the snap that stood C●ntinell or comes after , perceiues you vppon the shoue together , to your pocket to féele for your money , then hastens he after you with his old lesson , kinchen the coue towres you , which is so ●ufficient a warning he will not angle with you after . Among the profession of theeuing , this kinde is held the ba●est , as your lawyer , whole course is so sufficiently knowne I shall neede to speake of , is held the worthiest , yet among them selues they reckon if the best , bosting thus of it , wee are not troubles in our venter , with luggage , as your millure quasi Breakehouse , and others are , which is dangerous to put away : But wee as soone as wee haue done our worke , we haue our money . Thus hoping that this instruction will in Citie and country , fayers , and méetings , to kéepe honest mens money in their purses , and pickpockets , poore Cock VVatt will onely discouer a word or two of the mill , quasi breakhouse , and so go to bed , you Mill or breakhouse , to whome your broker is your onely vpholder , and merchant to transport his commodities , whereas all other théeues worke in the day , hee onely sleepes in the day and toyles in the night , there is of these as of Foysts and Lifts , both men and weomen , whose Instruments are either little Iron hookes , which are called picklocks , and they that vse thē termed Iunglers or a strong Iron barre made sharpe at one end , and they which trade with that , are called Mils , withall a boy to créepe in at a crushard or small hole , which they make or finde . The time that they go forth , is about one or two a Clock in the morning , at which houre commonly the watches are discharged . They lightly set forth foure in number , of which the Boy is one , when if they haue in the day taken note of any casement , without a speere going vp in the middle , if there be either signe-post , or pent-house about , thither doe they vpp●n their hands and shoulders lift vp the Boy , who beeing brought vp for the purpose , presently créepes in , then two of them beneath go to stand Centinell at each end of the stréete , and the third waites to receiue whatsoeuer the Boy shall throw out . If they breake a sellor or a shop window , they doe the like , but it alwaies followes not , that these burglaries haue a Boy : for somtimes they are all men , but then are they associated with an excelling iugler , a fellow that will pick you open a lock , as soone as a man will blow his nose , he has the power of Gun-pouder , he will blow them open , but not with halfe so much noyse . This fellow opens the dore , if not bolted on the inside , & makes easie entrance , who where euer they finde to the fullest burthen , they take away , the distribution whereof , this is some parte to the punck , and the rest to the Broker . Now if this robbery shall extend to forty , fifty , or a hundred pound , If none of it be money , but apparrell or commodities she is so Imbusied away in the suddaine , so altered , so transported from one to another , that if the looser take not his theeues , within two or thrée daies , he shall find his goods bought & sold , metamorphosd into so manie seuerall shapes , and sold for so litle at the first , this little but their liues will bee his recompence , A plague of these Brokers , priuat buyers , priuie receiuers , saies Cock Watt , they haue giuen me c●use in time past to curse them my selfe , & my hart will not let me be sory for them . They make me theirs in England , then your owers , and Schullers dus land men vpon the Thames , Your Iuglers exercise besides , this is picking open the locks as partakers and chesse them , but those that kéepe Innes , & haue their riches in one ro●me haue a cut of them ▪ for your other sort of mils I haue set downe the Characterie o●t , aduise all men whose shops & houses are not together , to let a seruant lie there : for they stand dangerous , such as haue low windowes , as though a story high without a spare , in the midst to all them , & if there be a paint-house vnder any window , to leaue nothing they respect there ouer-night , least they say they had it in the morning . And thus wishing the happinesse of honest men , and the end of théeues . Cock Watt bid● you . God ●ight . The miserie of a Prison , and a Prisoner . THis Ghost ( that haunts no places but houses of Calamitie ) béeing weary of beholding so much villany though not weary in discouering it was about to go to rest , & to walk no more aboue earth , but to retire to this discomfortable and gloomy shades ( vnder-ground whither all such troubled spirits ( after the second Cock crowing ) hasting to be assembled . But glyding by a darke and dolefull lo●ging ( for it was about midnight ) it suddenly stopt at the sound of a voice which sorrow ( who seldome layes her eies together ) sat vp heauily playing vpon so late , & filling the vast roome with nothing but lamentations . Cock Watch darted a sudden glaunce in at a cranny to obserue what it was , and beeing delighted with the obiect , stept back behind certaine curtaines of Cobweb lawne , which spiders had hung there most richly , and there hid himselfe , appearing ( not by the thousand part of the least fraction ) halfe so big as the glymering of a Sextons candle , standing ouer a Country Church yard in a black and silent night , when the twinckling of it is scarce discernd the distance of some mile or two off . The thing that complained , was a man : that for age , would haue séemed Reuerend , but that Care ( who sat at the be●s head turning his haires into whitenesse with too ill handling of it , made his countenance appeare miserable , and discontentedly was hée throwne vpon a poore and vnhansome pallat : In his face were the Ruines of youth , In his garments , of Time : In both , the Triumphs of pouer●y , His Armes were seuentimes folded together , like a withered garland of willow , worne carelesly by a forsaken Louer : Sometimes did he vnwinde them , but then did his handes cla●pe each other so harde , that betwéene them they embraced many witnesses , for now his eyes stood ( like floating Islands compassed rownde with waters : his chéekes like Bankes to Riuers , eaten hollow by cruell torrents . Had Aduers●ty ( with whom hee fought long ) not giuen him any one of these scarres to be knowne by , it might easily be iudged hee was a Wretch , for he was a Prisoner . And albeit the rest of that wretched and forlorne houshold , where hee lay , knowing what happinesse they were to loose in the world , by want of their liberty , gladly suffered themselues , ( like these whose limmes are to be cut of by Chirurgions , ) to be cast into drepe and Lethaean slumbers , and so to take away all sense of their paine , yet hee hauing his heart ( like Corat whilest it is vnder water ) continually , soft by the teares , that inwardly dropt vpon it , was more tender ouer his affliction , and because he had sometimes beene a Scholer , though hee could reade comfort to himselfe out of his owne Librarye , ( which was his memorie ) yet woundes are gri●uous when they receiue them , euen to those that can cure them , discord seemes most harsh to the Musition , and calamity most Irkesome to the gentle Nature , such was his , it should seeme , and therfore such was his Condolement . Oh most miserable spectacle of Creatures that I am , the wide and vniuersall World was made ( as a goodly Orchard ) for thee to walke in , yet art thou denied to treate vpon three times so much grounde as must one day couer thee . Thou we●t borne free but art likly to dye a Slaue , yee and to dye in the worser state of Slauery , and whereas that but in a Prison● Better had it beene for thee to haue beene the Sonne of a common Begger , for it then thou hadst beene smitten by the Lawe , the houres of thy punishment would quickly haue runne out : But these are like Shelues of Sande growing in Riuers neuer to be taken away , so long hast thou worne the fetters of miserable thraldome , that thou canst scarce remember that there is such a thing as libert●e . Thy dayes haue gone ouer thee like the dreames of a foole , thy nights like the watchings of a mad man , numberlesse are thy haires , numberlesse therefore must needes be thy sorrowes : for at euery haires end doth hang a sorrow . Oh sacred libertie ! with how little deuotion doe m●n come into thy temples , when they cannot bestowe vpon thee too much honour ? Thy embracements are more delicate then those of a yong bride with her Louer , and to be deuorced from thee is halfe to be damned ? For what else is a Prison but the very next doore to hell : It is a mans graue , wherein he walkes aliue : It is a Sea wherein he is alwaies shipwrackt , it is a lodging built out of the world , it is a wildernes where all that wander vp and downe grow wilde , and all that come into it are deuoured , it is an vnsa●●able gulfe , a feadomelesse wherlepit , an euerlasting scaffold on which men go dayly to execution , it is the caue where horror dwels , it is a bed of terror , no , no , it stands not next doore to hell , but it is hell it selfe : for soules lye languishing and cannot dye . The keepers of i● are churlish , and so are Diuills , the officers of it tormentors , and what are torments ? goeth not a man therefore toward hell when hee is leade to a Prison ? for alacke what are the comforts hee meetes , there his wife and children grieue him , when hee beholdes them , his kinsefolkes grow blinde and cannot see him , his friendes are stricken deafe and cannot heare his mones , they vpon whose company hee spent his coyne and credit , will not come neere the sight of that cold Harbor where he lies , whliest others that fed him with wholesome councell do now laugh at his folly for refusing that good dye● . What musicke hath he to cheer● vp his Spirites in this sadnes none but this , he heares wretches ( equally miserable ●reaking their heart-strings , euery night with grones , ●uery da● with sighes , euery houre with cares : the meate heates doth ●ake him pine , his drinke is vnto him as a poyson , if he haue money he shall there soone consume it , if he want it , be must be sure to consume himselfe , How cruell therefore is death in striking the rich man amongst his heapes of gold , in drowning the voluptuons man in his drye cups of wine , in damning the Letcher in the fires of his l●st but how much more cruell is he to the poore Prisoner only in sparing him . When kne●s ring out ( abroade ) for ioy that soules haue made a voyage to heaue● , what sorrow is amongst them that were by at the leaue taking , what shrikes are heard from the wiues , because they are become widdowes ? what sobbings frō the children , because they are become Orphanes , what complaints from seruants , because they are left comfortlesse , what 〈…〉 flow from friends , because Societie is broken : yet euen then when the warning peeces of men so newly departed from the shores of life , go● off , the languishing Prisoner lying on his melancholy bed , abruptly shakes off al other cogitations , and as one wrapt with ioy for his friends good fortune , suddenly cryes out to himselfe , Oh happy man art thou , that by the hands of death art thus set at libertie ; but most vnfortunate am I that coue●ing him day and night , I can no wayes get into his fauour . A Prison shure is so dreadfull a place that death feares 〈…〉 it , the grates are so strong and so narrow , & the lockes so full of wardes and so many , the roomes so wide , and so vnwholsome , the beds so pestered with guests , and yet so old , the dyet so costly and yet so sparing , the family so great and yet so vnruly , that death would thinke it more then double death to himselfe to abide in so strange a lodging , or else men that are compelled to lye there are such forlorne and miserable wretches , that death scornes to be seene in their company , Yes , yes , it is so . Dulce noui miseris ●ed mors optata re●ug it , These Latin bullets , were shot so heauily out of the olde mans mouth , ( like the songs of fidlers when they bée ouer-watcht ) That sleepe hearing him so wrongd by his brother ( Death ) and taking pittie on his greefes , layd charmes vppon the lids of his eies , and bound them fast vp in slumbers . At which our nymble Ignis Fatuus , that all this while stood Centinell in a darke Corner , vanisht out of that place and like a péece of fire-worke running on a line , was , ( in the turning of an 〈◊〉 , ) at another , ( whether if you please ) let vs follow him . A Paradox in praise of Sergiants , and of a Prison . OUr Newgate-Bird ( whose notes you haue heard before ) spreading his Dragon-like wings , ( which with a horred & a fainting sound , brake open the Ayre before him ) rested himselfe in his flight , on he tops of many other pollutes houses , and looking downe ( sometimes through chimneys , and sometimes in at dormer windows that stood gaping wide open to swallow vp the ayre , ) he beheld a thousand Synnes , that in the shapes of Bats , Skréech-owles , and such other ominous mid night-walkers , wasted the bawdy night in shameles and godlesse Reuilings , but in the day-time , like snailes they lye couer'd , hiding in causes their vgly and deformed heads . Of all which hee taking notes , with purpose to sing their liues openly to the world , when he is perfect in their tunes , hee spent all the next day in a theeuish thicket , not far from the Citie , to practise the straynes by himselfe , but the Sun going to bed , being his houre to rise , forth flutters he amaine , close by the edge of darknesse houering vnder the E●ues of the suburbs , till hee heard watchmen cald to their browne bils , & till Vintners were rea●y to adiourne their Sessions , and to araigne no more at their fearefull Barres till the next morning : Iust at that time ( being much about the houre when spirits begin their round ) did he enter the citie , and passing by a Tauerne doore , he might behold a tumultuous crew , ( like drunken waues ) reeling from one side to the other ; the whirlewinde that raiz'd this tempest , beeing nothing else then the clapping of one on the shoulders that was watcht for when he came out of his cup , you would haue thought the Allarum had beene giuen , and that the Citie had béene in an vprore , for you might heare the clashing of swords , the hacking of bils , and such a confuses noise , as if all the Diuels in hell had fallen together by y e eares . Some cald for more lights , others to put out , some cryed clubs , others to strike him downe , those then had the greater part swore , all shewed as if they had bin mad , yet on they went , holding a kinde of orderly procéeding in this disorder . Cock-Watch followed them aloofe by the noyse , till he came to one of the Counpter gates , which presently flew open mor● suddenly , then if they had béene blowne vp with powder , and as suddenly were ●ard vp againe : At which the thunder-bolt brake , that kept before such a rumbling , rash Phaeton , that set a●● on fire , was throwne headlong into a lodging , the fury of the multitude was quencht , and euery one went to his pillow . Onely the good Daemon , whose nature it was to sit out she very last Sceine , of such Tragi-comedies , followed the cheife Actor ( that played This ) euen vp into his bed-chamber , where he was fast enough lockt all night , to rehearse his parts by himselfe . The waking Cock had softly clymbd vp to such another Roost , as he sat vpon the night before , for the Inne was all one , but the Guests were not alike . This was not an old Souldier , that had bene beaten to the wars of Calamity , ( as the former was ) & béeing wounded in thē● lay now sick and groaning on his bed for cures : But this was a first man in the schoole of the World ; A gallant that had spent much , and learnt little , one whose outside onely shewd he was a Gentleman , ( for within the sumptuous tombe of him , was nothing but Carcas ) It was one vnto whome Vsurers , and Citizens would offer vs Golden and silken robes ( as once the Heathen did to the Images of their Gods ) because they knew he was borne to Actes , and now to make him wise , and to take héede what pasture he breakes into next , haue they put him ( like a Iade into a pownd ) into a prison . Where , ( because this was the first time that hee euer came to the Ten-penny Ordinarie ) he went cu●s●ng vp and downe to thinke himselfe so base to leaue that by Paules-wharfe , to come in to this : he bid the crosses of the plaine in all Merters bookes , wisht he had neuer beene brought vp like a gentleman , to this writing and reading , damnd Scriueners & bond-makers to the déepest pit of hell . Stampt , stared , tore his haire , called for faggots and wine . misusde the kéepers , and cryed to euery one of them , doe you heare goodman Rogue , yet swore to make them drunke , but they making many lyes in mockery to his good worship , counsaild him to take his naps , and so were ready to turne the key vpon him , and their tailes both at one time , but he stroaking vp a handfull of his ha●re in diuerse parts of his heace , as if he had some great matter there to fetch out , & thumping the table with his f●st : as if he had beene coniuring vp a diuill , cald for pen and inke , and vowde that might not to lye in the streetes of captiuitie . The instruments of Learning being set before him , and the roome cleared after fiue or six paire of oathes were spet forth ( like wild-fire ) to thinke how hee was taken like a woodcocke ( beeing in the company of the onely gallants ) and how he was drayde along , and how scuruily he was vsde in words : hée sharply began to rayle against Sergiants , because they knew not their Gamoth , neither had any mus●ck in them , & yet durst presume to teach him , ( that was a Gentleman ) one of the chiefest notes in musick viz. Counter tenor , he swore he would haue the statute of Garbling sued vpon them for offering Mace to men that was able to poysen them , as for Marshals men , the blacke booke did neuer so tickle them as he would . The next heard whose heades like mad Aiax he uowed to cut off , were Bailifes , he calde them poore Snakes that lye in euery corner at the townes endes , to sting passengers to death , if they slumble but vpon them , and comparde them to hornets & great humming flies , that are bred out of cowshards , yet held them the basest Go●lins that walked vp and downe the Suburbs , because they were Buttery-bugs , that lay scouting only in bawdy and beggerly 〈◊〉 - houses . The Linstock that gaue fire to these Canon threats of our yong Colonell of cockneyes , against thrée such mighty commanders , was kindled partly out of his feare , and partly out of an intelligence that both citie and country were layd for him , and that pur●ies and liberties had mousetraps set to catch him ; but looking , well vpon the smoaky wals , and the singed roofe of his lodging and remembring that he was but in one of the Counters , he resolued to put on the cloake of mercie , and to spare the two last for a time , but to drawe out the sworde and dagger of his iustice , and to stab home the first for arresting him , and cooping him vp , ( like poultry ware , ) and they were the Sergeants . Against them would he write Inuectiues Satyres , Lybals , Rimes , yea causeth such Iambicks as Archilocus made against Lycambes , or such stuffe as Hipponap , the painter of Ephasus : this very inke should be Squ●azed out of the guts of toades : His pens should be cut out of Indian Canes after the heads of them were poysoned , and his paper made of the filthy lin●en rags that had beene wrapt about the infected and vlcerous bodyes of beggers , that had dyed in a ditch of the pestil●nce . But behold , Nocte pluit tota , redeunt spectacula mané . It thundered and lightened all night , yet was it a faire day the very next morning for furious Tamberlaine , who as you heard , was cutting out 3 sorts of banners for his 3 sworne enem●es , he had ●●arce taken a nap ouer his i●ck pot that stood iust vnder his nose , whilest he leaned on his elbow writing out crabbed faces as he studied for bitter words to begin his execrations . But into his chamber came these ; who the night before , as he thought made him to suffer persecution : they gaue him the kinde good morrow , told him where his cloake and rapier were , protested they were sorry for him or any gentleman whose vnrulines inforces them to vse them hardly , and that for his arrest they could not preuent it , nor refuse it , because the Creditors were at their elbowes , yet would they ride or runne , and do any office of friendship to worke his deliuery , and to shew how much they deserued to comfort him , they askt him what he would drinke next his heart , but he that not an houre before had nothing but daggers in his mouth , leaps about their neeks , cals them mad Greekes , tru● Troians , commands a gallon of sacke & suger to vs burnt for the Sergiants , and musc●dell , and ●gges to bruise for the yeamen , empties his pockets of Tobacco to both , drinkes a health to them all , & sweares he will ouer into the Low Countries , and for loue or money get a Captains place , ( though he neuer be a Souldier ) only to make them Sergiants of his company : And whereas before their comming into his roome , he had a foolish humor to pistoll them with paper-bullets shot out of pen & i●ke-hornes , he proteseth ( with his eyes lifted vp to heauen , higher then his heade ) that now he will waite Palinodes Recantations , and Retractions , yea he will presently eats his owne words , though he were sure like Earle Goodwines dri●ke they should choake him , and therefore because he felt the diuine sury créeping into his braine , he requested them ●o play off the sacke and begon , for he would instantly powre out a parodox to their praises , which should do them more honour when they were deade , then twentie Epitaphes , they thankt him for his paines , and in requitall promist to deale with his Philistines . ( his creditors ) that are now come vpon him , to see if they could take them off , and so departed , their backes being turnde , thus he beginnes . What a ranke Pagon am I to wish distruction to this Temple of peace . What In●idels are all you ( for by this 〈◊〉 all that lay on the maisters side were swarming about him , ) what In●idels are all you , that cannot be brought into a beleefe , that there is no place of safety but a Prison ? Looke vpon your lodgings , Looke vpon your walkes , Looke vpon your B●llwarkes , Looke vpon any thing that is worth the looking vpon , and you may safely sweare no Lord liues such a life as a Prisoner , for note by what staires he climbes vp to his state . At his first entrance is hee led through the stréetes in pompe , and the more coyle he kéepes , ( I speake it by experience , my braue garnish dri●kers , vpon rest●rnights worke ) the more gallantly comes he in triumph , for then Clubbes are cryed , hath hee his g●arde of Ha●berders , then doe an hundred of Uoluntaries follow at his heeles , when before he could scarce keepe one man , beeing entred , the gates are strongly shut , and there stands his Porters and double Porters , all whom he keepes in Fée : his Cookes are ready to prouide his Diet , if his purse haue a stomach ; his Clarkes likewise are attendant in their offices , and all these do liue by him , when he goes to bed , so carefull are they ouer his life , and his foorth comming againe , that he cannot lye downe but he is watcht . How worthy therefore are they to lye by the heeles , that dare not come neere a Prison , and are ashamed to enter it , because t is giuen out that none shall lye there but Swaggerers and Banckerupts , that it is a place of ill husbandrie , a receptable for theeues , a drinking house for Beggers , and that though a man commit all the uillanies that are set downe in the Chronicles , yet there he shall be sure to ly● safe . But Oh you that thus goe about to slander such Ancient house , ( which you cannot doe , how much do you ouershoot your selues ? Is not a Prison the only best schoole , ( foundded by our fore-fathers ) wherein is learnt Experience ? Experience bréeds Wisedome , VVisedome is mother to Honour , Honour to Riches , Riches to Hearts●ease , so then on the tree of Thraldome , you see you may gather the fruits of cont●utation . I speake this to the comfort of all Captaines , and L●i●tenants , whome a little swelling of Warre , makes proude , and the lazinesse of a peace , makes arrant beggers , and where can they appoint a better Rander-vous , than in a Prison ? I speake it for the good of all yong Quats , who ( béeing sent vp by the honest farmers ( their Fathers ) to bee turned into Gentlemen by finding the Law , study onely how to Moote , that is , how to cast all their feathers , and to what nest can they fly , to lye warme in , and to hide their nakednesse , but into this goodly bird-cages ? O you that are the Poets of these sinfull times , ( ouer whome the Players haue now got the vpper hand , by making fooles of the poore country people , in driuing them like flocks of Géese to ●●t cackling in an old barne : and to swallow downe those playes , for new , which here euery punck and her squire ( like the Interpreter and his poppet ) can rand out by heart , they are so stale , and therefore so stincking ▪ I know the Lady Pecunia and you come very hardly together , & therefore trouble not you vpon this ancient Theater , you present , your Tragicall Sceines , for here you shall be sure to be clapt , Nay your mercenary soldiers , or you that are the Switzers to players ( I meane the hired men ) by all the prognostications that I haue sêene this yeare , you make but a hard and a hungry liuing of it , by strowting vp and downe after the Waggon ; Lea●e therefore O leaue the company of such as lick the fat from your heards ( if you haue any ) and come hether , for here I know you will bée Sharers . Lastly O you Citizens , & you whose craft lies in your hands , It may go warmer to your harts than Sack , or Aqua vitae , whē you shall know that ( by kéeping in your shops , Plaugy vacations and lame Termes , that haue their lymbs cut off . ) you your selues are scarce able to stand , yet that ( Here ) you may imploy your stocks ; for in a prison men of all Trades , of all professions , may set vp , by the Customes of the Citie . But admit these Castles of no comfort ( as the ignorant vulger termes them ) had no such appropriations , Charters , nor priuiledges belonging to them , and that they had not such Ordinance in them , nor were so well mand , as they are : yet the very martiall discipline , by which they are held vp , is sufficient ●alone● to ●iue them superlatiue commendations . For what place of Gouernment ( in any Cōmon-wealth ) doth more resemble a Campe than a Prison ? The Keepers of it , and the vnder-Keepers , and the Colonels and Captains , and they cōmand all : then haue Sergiants , and they double the Fyles : them haue you Clarcks of Bonds , and they be Attorneys : then haue you Serieants , and they double the Fyles : then haue you Clarks of the Bonds , and they be Attorneys , Clarcks , who fly out and in , and discouer to the besieged prisoner how the enemies hart ( his creditor ) lyes misconcde in hardnesse , or with what powre of Councellors , witnesse , petty or grand iury men , hee comes marching downe to giue him battaile , then haue you Pioners , and they be the ●ame messengers ( of the house ) who with Paper instruments ( cald tickets ) hobble from place to place , to vndermine friends abroad , to try what they will doe , and these may properly as I saide before , be called Pioners , for these help to dig out the Prisoner . Nay a Prison does yet come nearer to a Campe , by many degrées , & can shew farre more noble markes of it than the former : for Prisoners lye as hard as Soldiers , drinck as hard as soldiers , sweare as hard as souldiers , goe as tattered as soldiers , are as louzy as soldiers , as discontent as soldiers , go cursing vp and downe as brauely as soldiers , and to conclude , are as little regarded as soldiers . How much then are we beholden to them that kéepe vs here in pay ? nay what thancks are they worthy of , that put vs vnto so strong a garrison , and who be those but Serieants ? Serieants are the cunning pilots that in all stormes bring men safely to these hauens of peace and contemplation : the compasse they saile by , is the Law , which is toucht by the Loadstone of Reason ; the poynts of that compasse , are the customs of the Cittye , vppon which whosoeuer kéepes not directly , he runs himselfe on the sands , and so sincks , or vpon rocks , and so splits . Serieants are those nymble-footed Cenii , that walke at mens elbowes ( on either side , one ) to kéepe them vpright . They are neither Russians nor Turkes ( though some count them ) that beat ill debterson the shinnes , or on the soles of their féete ( like e●ecutioners ) to make them confesse the debt , But ( knowing how coldly an ill word from their mouth goes to a mans hart , ( when any by chance fall into their company , they presently play the phisitions , and counsell him to step into a Zauerne , & to drinck wine to comfort his poore hart , or if wine doe no good , then to send for his friends aboute him , to try if the sight of them can make him any better , and this is an act pitious and charitable . So that to a man that is meatefyed in flesh , and whose state ( in this world ) is desperate , a Sergiant may serue instead of a Deaths head , to put him in minde of his last day , and what hee is to come to . They are called in Latine ( and so set downe vppon Records seruientes ad Clauum : and most properly haue they that title bestowed vpon them : for Clauus hath many fields quartred out in Herauldry , and all are the Ensignes of a Sergiants armes , some times Clauus signifies a Nayle , and fitly may they challenge a dignity by that word , for they are Naylers of mē to their words , promises , Contracts , Bills , Bonds , & Reckonings , they ioyne them to the Grounds of the Law and Iustice , from whence ( like vnseasoned boards that warpe and fly out ) they would ( but for them ) start and reuolt● Sometimes Clauus is taken for a Key , and thereby likewise haue they an Atcheiuement of honor : for what are Sergiants but strong Keyes ( that can hardly bee broken ) to open mens harts and make them looke into their estates and by looking to know themselues , which the Philosopher saith is the onely wisedome in the world , and the hardest to learne , Clauus is also a club , the double propertie of which is in euery officer , for his duety is ( & so is his oath ) to beate downe wrong and to guard the Right ; he must as soone strike the rich , as the poore , and be as ready to take the poore mans part , as the rich , he is like death to spare no man. All which attributes , necessarily depend vpon his function , and because no one word could simply in it selfe expresse them all , they were made vp into one lūp or masse together , and of them all ( beeing so compounded ) is made the Serieants Mace , which is nothing else but the Badge of his place , and figure of his authority . What should I say more of Sergiants , though I cannot speake too much of them ? they are the painfullest members of the common wealth : they are the lawes Factors , the Citisens men of Warre , that bring in bad Dettors , who like pir●tes haue seizd vpon others goods , as lawful prize : they are the Scriueners good Lords and maisters , they are Relieuers of prisons , good Benefactors , to Vintners Hall : they are kéepers of yong Gentlemen , from whorehouse , and driuers of poore Handy-crafts men , from bowling allies , In one word they are the only bringers-home of y ● prodigall Child , to feede vpon veale after he hath liued vpon Acorns . The officers that by reason of the burnt Sack went forth with hye cullors before , are now in smoaking clowdes of Sweate returned back againe , as if it had béene iust their Qu. to enter at the fag end of their commendations : the newes that they brought ( vno ore ) and which they vttred with a hye and full mouth together , was , that he must presently goe along with them and meete all his creditors ( in a more dangerous place than the field ) in a Tauerne ; for ioy of which , he bestowed his vltimum in wine vpon his fellow-commoners , who were all busie in prouiding pen ynck and paper , to register ( In aeternam rei memoriam ) his learned Encomium of them , their colledge , and their officers , whilst hee descended in more state of attendants , then he came vp in , for the most part of his money ( which flew out as easily as smoake out of a Tobacco pipe ) was cut out ( like loynes of mutton at the Innes ) in fées , and a generall volley of Farewels from all the grates béeing shot off at his departure , the key was turnd , and he Vno graditur comitatus Achate . hath no more but one onely Serieant wayting vpon him , ( to auoide wonder ) whilst the rest of the Infantery , that tooke him prisoner , came marching softly behinde , to share in his ransome Cock-Watch had no great desire to follow , but stealing out , ( as he came in ) like an Owle from an Iuy to● , he made hast to his old Rendez because Sessions was at hand , where what is done the Cryer will proclaime it . FINIS . Notes, typically marginal, from the original text Notes for div A20101-e2220 〈…〉 〈…〉 . of li●●● of 〈◊〉 Of F●ys●s . 〈…〉 Notes for div A20101-e3660 〈…〉 His Cōplaint The description of a Prison . 〈…〉 
A18367	----	The Booke of bulls, baited with two centuries of bold jests, and nimble-lies, or, A Combat betweene sence and non-sence, being at strife who shall infuse most myrth into the gentle-reader a treatise in variety of pleasure second to none ever yet printed in the English-tongue : wherein is contained nothing alreadie published / collected by A.S. Gent. 1636 Approx. 166 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 143 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2007-01 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A18367 STC 4941.5 ESTC S3430 33149788 ocm 33149788 28489 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A18367) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 28489) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1475-1640 ; 1873:5) The Booke of bulls, baited with two centuries of bold jests, and nimble-lies, or, A Combat betweene sence and non-sence, being at strife who shall infuse most myrth into the gentle-reader a treatise in variety of pleasure second to none ever yet printed in the English-tongue : wherein is contained nothing alreadie published / collected by A.S. Gent. Chamberlain, Robert, b. 1607. A. S. [24], 117, [1], 143 p. For Daniel Frere and are to be sold at the Bull in Little-Brittaine, Imprinted at London : 1636. Attributed to Robert Chamberlain by STC (2nd ed.). Second part has caption title, "The last two centuries of bulls, jests and lies," and running title, "Bulls, jests and lies." Signatures: A-E¹², a-f¹². Reproduction of original in: Harvard University. Library. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. Gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. EEBO-TCP is a partnership between the Universities of Michigan and Oxford and the publisher ProQuest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by ProQuest via their Early English Books Online (EEBO) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). 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Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng English wit and humor. Bulls, Colloquial. 2005-11 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2005-11 Aptara Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2006-07 Ali Jakobson Sampled and proofread 2006-07 Ali Jakobson Text and markup reviewed and edited 2006-09 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion The Booke of BVLLS , Baited with two Centuries of bold Jests , and nimble-Lies . OR , A Combat betweene Sence and Non-sence , being at strife who shall infuse most Myrth into the gentle-Reader . A Treatise in variety of pleasure second to none ever yet printed in the English-Tongue ; wherein is contained nothing alreadie published . Collected by A. S. Gent. Imprinted at London for Daniel Frere , and are to be sold at the Bull in Little-Brittaine . 1636. To the Blinde Reader . TO you the dul brood of Mydas , who are internally blinde , I could finde in my heart to tell you as much as you already know , which is iust nothing ; because you can discerne no farther then you can see . Philosophers have beene of opinion that humane Soules , in discending , recive illumination in the Sphere of Saturne , which Orbe certainly your Soules baulked , since reason and you are as contrarie as fire and flame . Yet thogh posterity hath long since registred you fooles , and antiquitie heareafter shal confirme you such , I will in silence say something to you . If these Bulls please you as much as they are like you , when they calve you shall have more . You cannot dislike them , unlesse you are out of love with your owne compositions , for out of such simples as you they are as certainely compounded as a log is made of a Beetle ▪ you shall finde here as good sence as ever lippe was layed to . In a word , or none , I dare compare for sence with al the Ancient moderns . I will give place , but never precedency , either to Pas●auantius , Matagones ▪ de Matagonibus Mounsiur Goulard , or any other Author famous for delineating wise Ignorance . If I shall haue your detracting comendations , say not a word , by which mutenesse of yours , I shall apprehend that your consent argues silence But if your extolling ●oothlesse Detraction must needs lay her ●enemous fangs on mee , I then end with this complementall Bull. Farewell and be hang'd . TO The discerning Reader . TO You the sacred issue of Apollo , I dedicate this booke , because you onely are capeable ▪ and apprehensive of the quicke & nimble conceptions , and of the grosse ignorance , contained in it . you can quickly discouer a Bull , when with his hornes ▪ he gores & murders sence . Also you well understand the lawes , and nature of Apothegmes . You know their proper time to be chiefly at boord , when the mind is to be vnbended , and digestion aided by mirth . You are not ignorant that there is an Antipathy betweene them , and all places where either sicknes , or sorrow have dominion , and therefore do alwaies produce them in their sence . You are taught by wisedoms selfe , that they are to mixe with our discourse , not to be made the subiect of it , as also that they should resemble Children new borne in innocency , & in being toothelesse , for if they bite or offend they are no longer ●est● , but affronts Lastly you can truely iudge of their dignitie , being rightly informed , that men excellent both among the Greeks , and Latines , have not beene ashamed to Father them thogh now every illiterat sott vents them by hundreds . For your recreation and mine owne , I wrote them , yet dare not commend one of them , til I know how you stand affected . Since I freely confesse that my liking depends on yours . And heere I leave them to their fate , and you to the custodie of your better Angells . TO The Bull-Reader . THIS is the fruit of Travelling , to sweare Thou wert admitted Natures Counsellor , Sworn to her privie Chamber , to discrie The entrailes of each hidden Misterie : Such vertue have these Beasts , to let you see The Imps of Ignorance , whose stupiditie Stain man's perfections , and bid you call Non-sence Discoursive , Monsters Naturall ; Have you no Faith to credit them ? Then heare The Martiall Author by his valor sweare ; May his deere purchas'd credit nere be salv'd , Were he not Midwife when his Bulls were Calv'd . R. C. Cant THE BOOK OF Bulls . 1. A Fellowe passing through S. Pauls Church-yard , & seeing so many great free stones lie there ready squar'd out , said to one that was vvith him , I vvould I had these stones at home in my yard ; vvhy , what would you doe with them , said the other ? Marry said he , I would build me a brick wall with them round about my house . 2. One being demanded the definition of a Bull , hee answered that a Bull was an Oxe with two stones . 3. A great traveller swore that in the deserts of Arabia he had seene a Unicorne with two hornes . 4. One being at the fall of a very fat gelt Deere , was asked by one ( who was no huntsman , and desired to be enformed ) how he cal'd that Deere ; to whom hee answer'd that it was a barren Buck. 5. One whose usual protestation was wont to be as I live , being asked how hee did , answered , dead as I live . 6. A Preacher at a funerall Sermon lamenting the shortnesse of mans life , told the people that there were many beasts outlived a man , for example , the Raven , the Hart , and the Oake , dearly Beloved . 7. A Scholler complaining to his Governour , that one of his fellows had vvrōg'd him , & being demanded vvherein ; if it please your vvorship said he , I had no sooner turned my back , but he abused me to my face . 8. A fellow at dinner demanded of one at the Table , vvhat part of the Bullock a Clod of Beefe vvas , the other laughing at his ignorance , told him it vvas the shoulder-bone of the flanke . 9. One seeing a Peare-tree very full , vvondered vvhat the owner could doe vvith all those Peares ; vvhy said another to him , he sels them to the Bakers to make penny apple pies of them . 10. A fellow that vvas robb'd , said the theeves had stollen all his linnen except onely one brasse pot . 11. One speaking at a feast of the bravery of the great Turke then reigning : another standing by desired to know what was the great Turkes christen name . 12. Two passing the street in a serious discourse , a dumbe man begg'd of them after his mute manner ; Sirra said one of them to the dumbe man , can not men passe the streets about their businesse , but you must thus disturbe their conference , Get you gone , or I le set you packing , and with that lifted up his foot to kick him ; O fie , said his companion , will you kick a dumbe man ? Is hee dumbe , repli'd he , why did he not tell me so then ? 13. Many dining together at an Ordinary , after dinner was done , one ask't another if he would play a rubber or two at Bowles , ( marry will I ) quoth he , if you wil play a peece Rubbers ; No , answered the other , I never play above two shillings , before ( repli'd he ) I will play for two shillings , I will sit downe and walke horses . 14. Discourse arising at the table , of those creatures to which Nature had allotted the longest life , one pleaded for the longevitie of one creature , another of another ; and one amongst the rest swore hee knew that of all things in the world an Eele lived longest after it was dead . 15. One passing the Ferry at Hampton Court , the Ferry-mans wife at that time row'd the Boat ; vvhereat hee vvondering , said to his companion , Lord blesse us , I never in my life saw a vvoman a ferry-man before . 16. One cōming before a Judge to be tri'd for his life , and being found guilty pleaded hard for himselfe ; but his fact being notorious he could by no meanes obtaine any favour ; whereupon he burst out into immoderate vveeping , and vvith bended knees , and hands lift up besought the Judge that he would grāt him life for his wives sake , and his fatherlesse children . 17. One relating to certaine friends of his vvhere hee had supt the night before , and how hard he & the company dranke ; said , I never tippl'd so hard in my life , and a great vvhile I bore my drinke well , but at the length finding I was so fox'd that I could not stand ▪ I tooke my cloake , & ran home as hard as I could drive . 18. One telling another how healthfull a thing it was to live in a good aire , and on the contrary , how unwholesome to live in a bad , The other thus repli'd , vvhat you say I know to be true ; for I my selfe dwelt in the Fenny Countrey ; vvhere if I had liv'd till this time I had beene dead seaven yeeres agoe . 19. One discoursing of the succession of Popes , what brave worthy men some of them had beene , and what villains others had prov'd themselves : but for the Pope then living , how good , and wise a man he was ; a subtle stander by put this question , I pray you my Masters , ( quoth hee , ) if this Pope die without a sonne , who shall be Pope next ? 20. Many sitting together at dinner , one of them complain'd of the scarcitie of money ; how that heretofore hee could have taken up an hundred pounds upon his bare word ; that now if he were to be hang'd he knew not where to borrow five pounds ; one of the company said hee thanked God that for his part he need not complaine ; for quoth he , I have of late met with an honest Scrivener that will lend me at any time twenty pounds upon my own Bond without Scrip or Scrowle . 21. One comming into an Inne , and espying a handsome Hostesse , fell into discourse with her ; and amongst other questions ask't her how long shee had liv'd there , to whom shee answered , but three dayes ; I pray you , said hee , at the next word , How many Barrels of Beere doe you draw a weeke ? 22. Divers swimming together in the Thames , at length all went out save one , who stai'd very long after the rest ; wherenpon one of his fellowes cal'd to him to make hast out , in that it was late , I pray thee , said he , stay but a litle , I will but untrusse a point in the vvater , and come presently . 23. Two playing together for a Peece , he that won finding the others Peece to bee so wash't that the image was almost quite defaced , refused to take it ; whereupon the other referr'd it to the judgement of the standers by , whether it were good , I or no , The rest refusing to judge it , as not knowing what it was , by reason it was so defective ; one undertook to judg it , and swore he knew it to be an Elizabeth Jacobus . 24. A horseman passing a Ferry , and having an unruly Jade , said to the Ferry-man ; honest friēd , I have a skewing horse , wherefore I pray thee tie him to the water . 25. One being at Bowles in the afternoone upon a Sun-shine day , and bowling very ill , swore in excuse of himselfe , that the light of the Sunnes shade did so dazle his eyes that he could not see the Mistresse . 26. One in a great assembly praising the situation of London , said it was defended from the rage of the North by hils , that to the South it had a pleasant river , that to the East & West it had beautifull plains : to which another repli'd , that indeed no exception lay against it but one ; for said he , if it stood in the Countrey it were the finest Citie in Christendome . 27. A Citizen and a Gentleman made a match to runne their Grayhounds at a Hare for a wager , and when they came into the field , the Citizens Dogge beat the other ; whereat hee much rejoycing said to the Gentleman , How doe you like the running of my Dogge , to which the Gentleman answered very wel , but withall quoth he to the Citizen , did you ever see a better Hare run ; faith said the Citizen , I must confesse she ran well for a countrey Hare . 28. A Lord walking in a Church where all his ancestors were buried , an old servant of his then present said , O my Lord , what worthy men these were , I sweare if I live I will be buried close by them . 29. Two plai'd a game at Noddy for halfe a Crowne , and hee that won finding the other had stak'd but two shillings , told him hee had stak'd short , to which the other repli'd , I find where your mistake lieth , for you perceive not that one of the testers I staked is a shilling . 30. Two playing at Tick-tack for money , hee that lost desired they might play a while for nothing , to which the other assenting ; he that before had lost so many games , now won more ; vvhereupon hee said to the other , when wee play for money you alwayes beat mee , but if you le play for nothing , I le play with you for a hundred pounds . 31. Two walking together in a Cloister , and vaunting of their swift running , one of them said to the other , doe you run this way , and I le run that ; and I le hold you ten pounds I le meet you before you meet me . 32. A Gentleman being drown'd in Oxford , his Tutor sent a messēger for his Father ( who dwelt a hundred miles off ) to come to the funerall of his only Son. The messenger ariving at his Fathers house , found that hee was dead also ; whereupon hee returned in all hast back , and when he came to Oxford , said to the Tutor ; Sir , the Son may now , if he will go , to his fathers Funerall ; for he is dead also . 33. A singing man who alwaies bore the base , being merry on a time with the rest of the quire made this Challenge . Wee are sixe Bases onely in this Quire , and we sixe will play at any exercise with any other sixe that sing the same part in the same Quire for ten pounds of my purse . 34. One relating to another the death of one whom hee loved most dearely , hee thus in a very great passion answered , It cannot be that hee is dead ; for had hee beene dead , I know he would have sent me word . 35. A purblind fellow in a misty day passing Pauls chaine ran against one of the posts , and taking it for a man said , I cry you merry Sir , and presently running against the other , said , I cry you mercy againe Sir , truly I thinke you and I shall meet in Heaven . 36. A Captaine in thr Low-Countreys being in the company of one , who was a very goodly and a properman demanded his name , and learning that he was named Bird ; hee said , this is not that Bird vvhom Taverner kil'd , is it ? 37. A Merchant hearing on the Exchange that Marshall Byron was beheaded for Treason in France asked the relator if hee lost his head before his death , or after . 38. A Doctor & Captaine Norris walked from Londō to Greenwitch , Where when they ariv'd the Doctor being weary , sayd , I had not thought it had beene so farre from Londō to Greenwitch as it is , why ( said Captain Noris seriously , and bound it with a great oath ) no more it is not . 39. One having dined in an Ordinary , seeking round about for his Cloake at length found a Gamster sitting upon it , whereat hee being much offended , said , What Sir , doe you make a Canopy of my Cloake ; I pray you Sir , sit up , and give it me . 40. One relating to others a mischance had befallen him ; said as hee rode over a Bridge his horse skew'd , and fell with him off from the Bridge , and that by some neare at hand hee was tataken up as dead as any man living . 41. One passing by a Polterers shop , and seeing an exceeding fat Swan lying on the stall , said to his companion , I would that Swan were mine , why said the other , what would you doe vvith it if it vvere , Marry , repli'd hee , I would make me a Goose Pie of it . 42. One comming by chance into a very merry company , said , Gentlemen I thinke you are merry in sober sadnesse . 43. One asked another what a clock it was , to vvhom hee answered , It is past twelve very neare . 44. One reporting that ●elton had kil'd the Duke , another standing by said , There vvas never such a cruell blow given , for he cut two of his ribs , and his Magna Charta quite in two , He would have said , Vena Cava . 45. One reporting what a huge great storme rose the night before , said , it shooke the vvhole house as I would shake this pillar . 46. A hireling Player demanded an augmentation of his meanes from the Company , and received a deniall ; whereat being much offended he said , I protest if you mend not my wages you shal see me in Ireland within these two dayes . 47. A Player being asked how hee got his living all the sicknesse time , answered , I taught 〈◊〉 Dancing Schoole . 49. One said to another , I far'd bravely the last night ; for I bought a breast of Mutton , and carri'd it home to my wife , and rosted her to my Supper . 50. Two Serving-men failling out about the dignitie of their Masters , one told the other his Master was a Knight ; O but , replied the other , my Master is a Knight and a halfe , for he 's a Barronet . 51. A Gentleman having a faire ▪ but an old house , one perswaded him to pull it downe , and build it up againe , to whom he said ; vvhat my Masters , vvill you perswade me to pull down a house that hath stood in my great Grandfathers time , and in my Grandfathers ; nay , and ( as I take it ) in my Fathers ? 52. A knavish fellow who had a naturall foole to his Master , and of great ranke , apparell'd himselfe in all things like a Spaniard , and came to him and presented him with the King of Spaines commends . Whereat his Master being right joyfull askt him how the King of Spaine did , and how long it was since his arrivall , to which he answered a moneth ; what , said his Master , and can you speake no English yet ? no indeed , repli'd the other ; whereas indeed they had spoken English all the while . 53. A foolish fellow making lamentable faces as if hee were in great paine , one askt him what he ail'd ; O , answered he , I have such a paine in my thigh , that I cannot lift my hand to my head . 54. A blind Minister comming to speake with a Gentleman , his man came and told him , that the old blind Minister was come to see him . 55. Two fellowes bragging what houses their Masters kept that Christmas , one of them said , my Master kil 's every day an Ox ; Tush , said the other , my Master kil 's every day an Ox and a halfe . 56. One brought a Butcher before a Justice , and accused him for killing a Cow that died of her selfe , and selling her flesh in the Market . 57. A Gentleman sent his man out of England into the Low-Countreys , and charg'd him to make all possible hast back . The servant making a very slow returne , his Master rebuked him , and ask't him the cause of his so long stay ; to which hee answered that hee vvas kept at Sea a long time by a contrary vvind : Why , vvhere vvas the vvind said his Master ; Marry repli'd he , by North , and by South . Indeed answered his Master that vvas a very contrary vvind . 58. One reporting not vvithout indignation an affront hee had receved that day from a very Goose , another in his company said ; O , I know vvhat Goose yon meane , in my conscience you meane a Goose vvith two legs . 59. A Citizens vvife being in the Countrey , and seeing a Goose that had many Goslings ; how is it possible , said she , that one Goose should suckle so many Goslings . 60. One accused another before a Justice for stealing Peares off from his Plum-tree . 61. A foolish Gentleman using alwayes to wipe his britch with the letters he received , having list to goe to the retrait called to his man for a letter ; who repli'd that hee had none left , Then said he , take pen & inke quickly and make me one . 62. A Bull Prologu , to a foolish Audience . YOu who sitting here , doe stand to see our Play ; Which must this night , be acted here to day . Be silent , 'pray , though you alowd doe talke , Stirre not a jot , though up & down ye walk ; For every silent noise , the Players see , Will make them mute , and speake full angerly . O stay but here , untill you doe depart ; Gently your smiling frownes to us impart ; And we most thanklesse , thankfull will appeare ; and wait upon you home , but yet stay here . 63. A fellow having a great kibe on his heele , swore it was as big ●s an ulcer , & as sore as a walnut . 64. One who had beene in the Indies swore hee had seene an entire Christall rock of pure Diamond . 65. Amongst the Quaere's sent to the Prince De La'moar one is , vvhether or no the Queene of Sheba ; vvere she now living , vvould goe as farre to heare his Highnesse say nothing , as to heare Salomon speake wisely ? 66. A fellow in way of derision said of another that hee looked like King John amongst tho Apostles . 67. One askt another whether , or no hee had ever read Venus and Diogenes . 68. Another askt his companion whether , or no he had ever read Nero , and Leander . 69. One falling from his horse , and pitching on his head ran amongst a great assembly of his acquaintance , and swore his neck was broken . One espying a very fine Bitch , enquired of the standers by whose Dog that Bitch was . 70. One saying that hee was taking a journey to Oxford , a friend of his demanded whether he rid or no , to whom hee repli'd that hee went a foot in a Waggon . 71. Discourse arising at Table of the miseries of this world , one amongst the rest said , I have so many 〈…〉 that I would 〈…〉 of this life , or out 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 world 〈…〉 whether . 72. One speaking very loud to another without being heard , swore the fellow was dumbe he could not heare . 73. One telling his companions the danger a sonne of his escaped that day , made the relation of the hazard . My boy , said he , being but three yeeres old , and playing in the street fell down , and was not able to rise ; A Scavinger p●●●●ng that way wi●h his Cart , and not seeing the Child , drave directly upon him , and the first Horse of the 〈…〉 his feet , without touching him , and so did the second ; but the third had his foot up just over his head in all likelihood ready to dash out his braines , but the tender beast ( as if a man had said to him , Horse hold thy hand ) held his foot a long time up , in so much one who passed by , and seeing the danger the Child was in , took him up , & brought him home . 74. A Player having in his part , All honour to this high imperiall presence , said thus , All honour to this high infernall presence . 75. One bra●●ging what 〈◊〉 sute he had , and another standing by , askt him where it was , he answered , In my head . 76. One threatning another absent , meaning to say that where ere hee met him hee would kill him , though hee found him pissing against a wall , swore hastily that where ere hee met him , he would run him through a wall pissing . 77. One calling another sonne of a whore , a stander by rebukt him for so saying ; for said hee , you know his mother to bee an honest woman . It is true , repli'd the other , I know his mother to bee an honest woman , but he is the sonne of a whore . 78. One manning his Dogge at the Beare-garden , and falling into a quarrell with the Butchers , had his head broken in divers places , and comming home , pray'd his wife to looke carefully to him ; for said he , I have twenty broken heads . 79. One putting this qnestion to another , when shall we have a merry night ? Marry , repli'd the other , of all the nights in the yeere , let it be on May day in the morning . 80. One praising much the Lord Major of that yeere present , another standing by swore hee had seene a thousand better . 81. A Butcher swore that his Dog fought with a Beare single foure houres to one . 82. One praying another to lend him a groat , he answer'd , he had but one about him , and that was a single three-pence . 83. One swore hee should never abide the Mooue more ; for , said he , she serv'd mee the most fluttish trick the other night ; for she shone out till I came to a Ditch , & then she slipt behind a cloude , and let me fall in . 84. A fellow having a very neat beard , would needs have it cut off ; for , said hee , it is nothing but haire . 85. One being askt if hee knew such a man , yes , repli'd hee , I know him by sight , though I never yet saw him . 86. One disclaiming anothers acqaintaince , swore he knew him no more then a begger doe's his dish . 87. One being in the water prayed another to come in also , to which he said , I protest I can swimme no more then a dogge , and being entreated the second time , he said , I vow I can swim no more then a post , and being more earnestly the third time , will'd to come in , he vehemently swore he could swimme no more then a Goose . 89. One asking another in a Moone-shine night what a clock it was , hee repli'd , I have a Sunne-diall in my pocket will informe you presently . 90. One in a great kindnesse told another hee did indite him to break his fast with him at supper . 91. A Case being argued before a Judge , a Lawyer with great earnestnes affirmed that his Clients right was as clear as a Candle by day-light . 92. A Gentleman making a motion to his companion to ride to a friends house three or foure miles off , the other said , it is too farre to goe to night , wee le rise early in the morning , and not goe at all . 93. Two laid a wager how farre it was to such a place , the one said it was ten miles distant , the other that it was above ; for I am sure , said he , it was ten miles twenty yeeres agoe , and no doubt but miles , as all other things , have their encrease . 94. One swore to another that hee lodg'd not long agoe in a chamber , where hee was so stung with Gnats that he could not rest , but was faine to lie standing all night , and that he made his man rise to put out the candle , to the end they might not see to bite him . 95. One complaining of the folly of the age , swore men were farre wiser in the future times then now . 96. One speaking of a strange Bird called a Phenicopter , another standing by , said hee had read all the Treatises of foure-footed beasts , yet never read of such a Bird. 97. In the great roome one paire of staires high , at the St. Iohns head within Ludgate in a painted cloth is the picture of Jacobs Ladder , and the Angels on it passing up and downe , and underneath is written ; Here are Jacobs Angels ascending , and descending up to Heaven . 98. One being pray'd to s●t down to dinner said , I thanke you for your kind invitation , but I can eat nothing ; for I have had a long time no more stomack then a horse . 99. One earnestly desired mee , to tell him whether Shrove-tuesday fell out this yeere , on the Saterday or no , and how many there was in the yeere . 100. Another asked one what Sir Timothy Thornhil ; his Christian name was ; another answered he had almost forgot , but certaine hee was t was , George or Thoma● . 101. A Gentleman comming to the chamber of an associate of his ; where finding him in bed ( sleeping , ) he waked him , saying , rise sluggard , doe you not remember where wee promised to walke this morning ; pray pardon me , quoth the other , I cannot goe with you , you must needes excuse mee , I came late home last night ; late home , quoth the other , prethee how late was 't , why 't was five a clock in the morning quoth the other . 102. An other was saying all kind of Fowle were two leg'd , to whom another standing by repli'd I , but a Pig hath foure . 103. A fellow looking in a Lattin Booke , was ask'd by a friend ( that overlook'd him ) whether he could read it or no , to whom he repli'd , yes indifferently , but 't is the brokenst English that ere I saw . 104. One comming to a Gentleman Prisoner in the Castle , in Oxford ; he began to him in this complement , how doe you Sir , are you within , I rejoyce to set you ; I am in some hast , but pray stay here sir till I come againe , and I le beare you company an houre or two . 105. A fellow hearing one cry Sandwitch Carrets , ran to him and desired to see them ; which being shewed to him , you cheating rougue ( quoth he ) are these Sandwich Carrets , I indeed are they Sandwich Carrets ( said the other ) to whom he repli'd they may bee Sandwich Carrets , but they were sowne and reapt in London . 106. A fellow bragging of his knowledge in Musick , swore he would play exempore with all the Musitians in London and Christendome . 107. A fellow having a broken groat in his pocket , comming to a Goldsmiths shop in Cheapside desired the prentice no give him a little peece of silver as bigg as an hazell Nut to zoder it againe ; when you come into our countrey I le give you a peece of lead shall bee twice as bigge . 108. A couple of shopkeepers in the Exchāge , seeing Lords , Knights and Gentlem●● ( which they knew ) 〈…〉 into disputation which was the handsomest Gentleman in that company ( quoth the one ) me thinks that 's the handsomest Gentleman ( pointing to a Lord ) which caused the other to laugh at him ; why laugh you quoth the other ; why ( repli'd he ) hee is a Lord , I said the handsomest Gentleman . 109. Two Gentlemē walking in a Medow , one shewing the other a fat Bull grazing there , said to the other , will not that Bull have a brave paire of Cow heeles when he is kil'd . 110. A fellow having received some abuse from his companion , swore next time hee met him he would make him eat his Dagger to a Sword. 111. A fellow feeing his friend playing with his wife , swore they shewed like the two Germains . 112. A friend of mine ask'd mee once in what place of England ▪ Ireland stood , and was answer'd by another , in Wales . 113. One told mee , reading the workes of a Philosopher : Either Publius Virgilius , or Maro found such a Problem as hee would not now be ignorant of for an hundred peeces . 114. A fellow speaking in praise of his Painter , said he drew his wives picture so lively , hee did not leave undone so much as an Eye or an Nose . 115. A man reproving his neighbour with the ungraciousnesse of his children , swore he would bring up his child to the gallowes , ere hee would suffer him to be a thiefe . 116. A Gentleman hearing his friend speake a piece of nonsence , admired him , saying , was ever Calfe brought to bed of a Bull before ? 117. One jeerd a young Saylor , and said that he was but a fresh water Sea-man . 118. A Vintner shewing his Sellar to a Gentleman , said ( looke you ) all these emptie vessels are full of Wine , and yet I cannot please my guests . 119. King James lying sicke , one prayed in publicke that hee might raigne as long as the Sun and Moone should endure , and the Prince his Sonne after him . 120. One being sicke of a Consumptiō , being ask'd by a friend how he did , answered , I thanke God I am heart whole , but I am troubled a little with a Hectick Fever . [ A Hectick Fever is either in the Spirits , or substance of the heart . ] 121. A subtle Disputant said sense was divided into two parts , sense , and non-sense . 122. A formall grave fellow said he vvas of opinion that Melancholy was nothing else but a kind of sadnesse . 123. An Engeneere threatned to blow up a Citie gates with a Petar of inundation . 124. One having lost his hat , said I am so forgetfull that in my conscience I should loose my britch , did I carry it about me . 125. One said to a Widow , that hee could find in his heart to marry a woman were shee neither beautifull nor rich ; so she were wealthy . 126. A Sea-man describing the manner of his Captaines going aboord , said ; No sooner had my Captaine set one foot aboord the shore , the other in the shippe . 127. One newly married being discover'd by another to walke discontented , said , This fellow now hee is married walkes up and downe like an Image . 128. One seeing another offer in way of jest to strike at him with a Clubbe , said , take heed lest you hurt mee , t is ill jesting with edge tooles . 129. A foolish fellow was angry with his wife for bringing home a shoulder of Mutton without the Rumpe . 130. One being upon Dover Castle , said hee , could discover in Calis by his prospective the signe of Saint Denis of England , and Saint George of France . 131. A Gentleman said , I stay'd but a litle while by a fish-pond , and leape sayes one fish , leape sayes another . 132. Two comming through a field where formes of men are cut in Ewe , the one demanded what such an Image was ; why , quoth the other it is Cain , & the other demanding why Abel was not there also : marry , repli'd his companion , because he kil'd his brother . 133. One who dwelt in Kingstone was asked what good companions lived there ; faith answered he , except I. P. there is not one worth the hanging , as though hee had spoken much in his cōmendations . I. P. meeting him , said , I thanke you sir that you hold me worth the hanging ; No , repli'd the other , J meant there was no man in the Towne that deserv'd but you , I , That deserved hanging , answer'd the other , that is worse then the former . 134. One said he rod his horse till he had never a dry thred . 135. A certaine fellow that had a great head like a thick rind Orange , but no juce of wit in it , was reprehended because hee spake non-sense : well said hee , it is not for want of ignorance that I speake non-sense . 136. A blind man was taking Tobacco , but could not find the candle to light it ; whereupon sayes he , pray neighbor put out the candle that I may see how to light my Tobacco . 137. An old woman that made water often in the night , having fil'd the chamber-pot , so that it ranne over ; O husband sayes she , the chamber-pot hath a hole in 't , fetch the cullender . 138. A Countrey fellow being askt how old his horse was , why sayes he . He 's but a yong horse considering his age . 139. A Seaman that was to bee hir'd , being askt what he could doe . Sir sayes hee , I doe not love idlenesse , but whither I doe any thing or not , I love to be working . 140. A Traveller on the way askt one how farre it was to the next Towne . It is foure miles sayes he straight forward , but the nearest way is to goe about by the Mill , for that will bring you cleane out of your way . 141. A maid being askt how long shee had kept her maidenhead , why sayes shee ? ever since my sister was married , and yet I scorne but to be as good a maid as she , though shee bee married before me . 142. A Countrey fellow being demanded , if hee thought one were an honest man. He 's an honest man sayes hee , and no knave , I knew him to be one . 143. One askt one how he lik'd a cup of Wine which they were tasting . Marry sayes he I never tasted Wine that lik'd mee so well , but I have dranke better in France . 144. An old man was commending the dayes of old ; wel sayes he , there was more mirth one Holliday , then there is now in a hundred . 145. An old man being desired to come to banquet : Alas sayes he , I have no teeth to eat sweet meats , if it were a hard crust I could eat it . 146. One being advised to goe to Sea , because he was in debt : no sayes hee , I had rather goe by land all over the world , for a man need not feare drowning by land . 147. One askt what his Hat cost : why sayes hee , it cost mee ten shillings , for t is made of as good blew wooll , as the white sheepe can beare . 148. One desiring a neighbour of his to lend him a porridg-pot : faith neighbor sayes he I would not have my pot worne out ; if you will make porridge without boyling , you shall have it . 149. One being to eat a kind of meat called a Mllian : pray sayes he to another , do you tast them , for if they poyson an honest man , I shall never feare them . 150. A Gentlewomā being at table , and mincing demurely : well sayes one , this Gentlewoman has no skill to her dinner , yet me thinkes shee might fall too , and dine whē she comes home . 151. One being to set a Hen upon Egges : well sayes she , if my dozen of Egges would bring mee fourteene Chikins I would not care . 152. One complained that his tongs and shovell were worne out : whereupon sayes hee I will goe and buy a woodden paire of tongs , for they will serve in the Summer time to stirre up the fire when there 's none in the Chimney . 153. A Maide that had a great deale of beauty but little wit , stood looking in her glasse , at last she set the glasse before her a pretty distance of , so that the reflection of something was seene in the glasse ; whereupon shee said : well , t is no matter , though the shadow bee ryemouth'd , the substance is as right as my leg . 154. One having an extreame cough : well sayes he , one cough is very troublesome , what shold a man doe if hee had one and twenty . 155. One that needs would have his cloathes made in the fashion , said thus to his Taylor ; prethee sayes hee make my cloathes according to the old garbe of Sir John Oldcastle , for I love to be in the newest fashion . 156. An old woman had scratcht her breech till it bled ; whereupon shee said : well plainly I see that by scratching and scraping a body gets somewhat . 157. One having a tooth to draw , and being very fearefull to endure the paine : prethee sayes he pluck it out gently , and then I care not if my tooth be drawn and hang'd in a Lute-string . 158. One that went often to the house of Office said , that his maid Joan had not scowr'd his vessell , & that was the reason he was troubled with a scowring . 159. A woman that had a drunkard to her husband : well sayes shee I care not if my husband wonld bee drunke every day , so he would not spend his money in drunknesse . 160. A young man being fallen deepely in love said : I wonder why I should stumble or fall in love , for I never went a wooing but in the day time . 161. One hearing a maid sing very sweetly , said : this maid has hath a sweet breast , I warrant shee weares muske in her bosome . 162. One being to ride over a great water : O sayes he if there were a bridge over it , I would ride over the vvater if it vvere never so deepe . 163. One having a creek or paine in his back : wel sayes he , a paine that takes one before in his back is worse then that vvhich takes one behind . 164. A young fellow being to salute a Gentlewoman that had a mufler before her lippes : vvell sayes he , it 's honour enough for me to salute the clout ; it may be the Gentlewomans lippes are sweetest when they are strain'd . 165. A young wench going to market , being askt by a neighbour how all did at home : why sayes he , my father , and mother , and rest of our folkes have bin visited with sicknesse , but all the houshold is vvell in generall . 166. One being to tell a tale to make the rest merry , sayes hee I vvould tell you a tale , but to conclude in few vvords , I can remember nere a vvord on 't . 167. One travelling on the vvay saw a faire maid making vvater under a hedge side : fie sayes he , shee might have had more modesty , and made vvater on the top of the hedge , for then shee could not have beene seene . 168. One having a trunke that could not hold his cloaths : well sayes he , the Taylor hath made my cloaths too little , I wonder why they should be too big for my Trunke . 169. One having rid a horse , and alighting againe said , this horse for a trotting ambler goes the easiest that ever I felt . 170. A sick man askt another how he did : I am well sayes hee as you , or any body else can bee that is no better in health then I am . 171. One askt another vvhy hee did not marry . I am about a Wife sayes he , but I am afraid of entring into purgatory , for then I should have a cold time on 't 172. A Fidler being desired to play a new Tune : Sir sayes he , let me stand behind your back and I le play you a Tune was never play'd before . 173. An old Churle in the Countrey said , that the dayes in Queene Elizabeths time farre exceeded these for length ; for now foure and twenty houres to a day is counted a great matter . 174. One sitting by a fire , O sayes he these coales are exceeding good , foure pecks of them are worth a bushell of other coales . 175. One going to the house of Office , fie upon 't sayes hee here 's a house indeed adoriferently ; I warrant they eat no sweet meats that leave this sent behind them . 176. One being to sing a Catch , Faith sayes hee , I had a good voyce once , but I spoyl'd it with drinking Egges and Muskadine . 177. One askt another which was the best pot-herbe ; why sayes he , in my conceit a legge of mutton is the best pot-herbe in the pot . 178. A drundard passing through a Forrest , and being scratcht by the Bryars ; if you are loving friends sayes hee , let mee goe home , I have but one penny left , and that 's in the outside of my pocket . 179. One speaking of the weather , and the spring-time , we are like sayes hee to have a backward spring , for Saint Matthias day lights on a Holi-day . 180. One going by water , and seeing a Swan flutter on the vvater , O sayes hee , vvhat an asse is yonder Goose , that had rather live on the vvater , then on the dry land . 181. One riding to Rumford on a sack upon a tir'd Jade : faith , sayes hee , I never rid harder in my life , considering the slownesse of my pace . 182. A Ditcher wading in a ditch began to sigh unto himselfe , and thus hee said : well , of all trades ditching is the worst ; especially , whē a man must stand dry-shod in water up to the knees . 183. One that had a great Nose being laugh'd at : well sayes he , my Nose hangs indeed in my light , or else I might have seene a knave , but howsoever if I were hastie , no man might sooner take pepper in the nose . 184. One making of Puddings said : It is very cold weather , and if my nose drop into my puddings , my wife is not so much in fault as my running head . 185. One looking on a Picture said : This must needs bee an excellent Art , vvho vvould not be hang'd , to bee thus drawne forth and quartered . 186. A Justice examining a poore fellow said : sirrah , I understand you are a Thiefe , but take heed ; for if you be once hang'd , your Booke cannot save you from the Gallowes . 187. One being askt how many friends hee had in the world : faith sayes he I have great store of friends that would be as glad to see me as their owne hearts . 188. One being troubled with a loosenesse in his belley : prethee said he to his man tye my points hard , that it may stay my loosenesse , and set me a chaire in my chamber , that I may not goe to the stoole so often . 189. One being to reach a thing to another out of a window ; but could not : friend sayes he reach it out with your left hand , for it may be the left hand is longer then the right . 190. A man having a wife that lay sick on her death-bed , and desired to make her will : That needs not sayes her husband , you have had your will all your life time , would you have your will when you are dead too . 191. One asking a schoole-boy how farre hee had learnt in his Grammer : why sayes hee I am at finis funis ; what 's that sayes he ; sayes he , it is an end and a halter , I sayes tother , but if it had beene an end in a halter , it had beene a better conclusion . 192. One being invited to a funerall feast , because he would expresse some dissembled grief : well sayes he , the party deceased our brother , was an honest man : and whereas other Smiths pawne their tooles , he kept his vice to his dying day . 193. A Cobler was defyning the goodnesse of Ale ; well sayes he , let my wife chide never so much , if shee should cut my throat I would drinke strong Ale. 194. A controversie arose betweene two young fellowes concerning their trade ; well sayes the one , if I had follow'd my trade , I could have deceived you in my calling , for I was never dull of reprehension . 195. One was speaking of the height of Pauls steeple . In troth sayes hee it is the highest steeple for the breadth in the world , and the reason is because the steps are higher in going up then going downe . 196. A Traveller telling his Hoast that hee was gal'd ; how came that to passe sayes his Hoast : marry sayes hee my saddle was soft enough , but I rid over a hard stony causey , and that galed my breetch . 197. One being to take his leave of his friends : well sayes hee , friends must part , and affection will breake out of these dry conduits of my eyes , but farewell and be hang'd , I can but wish you well . 198. A fellow that had no buttons to his doublet before : well sayes hee , of all fashions loopes and buttons is best , for though the buttons weare off , yet the loopes will hold a mans doublet together . 199. A wench that serv'd hogs , being ask'd what wages shee had : why sayes she I have twenty shillings a yeere , that 's six shillings a quarter , and please the hogs . 200. One was going upon the Ice which crakt under him : well sayes he if the Ice should break I should be over head & eares , but t is no matter I can swim if I were at the bottome of the water . 201. One having got the drunken Hiccock : this it is sayes he to drinke Aqua-vitae and Rosa Solis , and such Latin hot-waters , that a man must bee afterward put to decline Hic , hoc , when he cannot speake English . 202. One being sent by a Justice of Peace to carry a Goose in a basket to a Gentlemans house for a present : faith sayes hee , I could find in my heart to let him out , for the Justice has charg'd him to goe thither , and if hee should straggle away , the Justice can send Hu and Cry after him . 203. Two going in a stormy day together they ran to the hedge side to defend themselves from the weather , when presently it begun to thunder : whereupon sayes tother , I never pray but in time of thunder , & then I can say forty prayers that I forgot seven yeers agoe , for feare will quicken a dead mans wits . 204. One being to passe over a narrow bridge , and another meeting him halfe way : friend sayes he , it was ill done to meet me thus full but , you might have had the manners to have come after me , and met me behind . 205. One having his Candle gnaw'd every night by a Mouse : well sayes he , I will let my Candle burne every night , and then I shall be sure to save it from the Mice . 206. One telling how a dog flew upon him : sayes hee , the dog being ty'd in a chaine , came violently upon me , & so having a riding wand in my hand I strok him downe vvith my staffe , so that standing on his legs he lay panting on the ground ready to die . 207. One being to carry a couple of Rabbits up to a Gentlemans table , carried the legs forward , and being reprov'd for it by his Master : well sayes hee , I le carry them back againe , and it may bee they will come in againe with their heads forward and in better fashion ; for they are meat of a good carriage . 208. One having bought twelve Aples for a penny , laid them downe againe and said ; Pre●hee give me six Apples for a halfe-penny , for they are better ●hen twelve for a penny . 209. A Countrey Boy being brought to London young : where hee saw a Parret talking in a Cage he said : O where might one buy such a Cage for my mother , for they say shee will talke like a Parret . 210. One being to buy feathers by the pound ; fie on 't said hee , who would think that a pound of feathers should bee as heavy as a pound of lead . 211. One seeing a Turky brought to the table swore 't was the fairest beast that ere hee saw or tasted . 212. A Jack a Napes was ti'd on a Dogs back , and the Dog ranne away ; which an old woman seeing , cry'd out , well rid little young Gentleman . 213. One seeing in the Muses the great Horses rays'd , ask'd the Groome if that would not make a brave courser , hee stood so well on tiptoe . 214. One extolling an ancient Don newly slaine in the field ; another answered , no doubt he was a fine old man in his young dayes . 215. Two Butchers set their dogs a fighting , which one seeing cry'd out , the brinded dog will will prove himselfe the better man. 216. One refusing to eat Chees-cakes , was askt his reason , hee told thē he lov'd the flesh well , but was afraid of the bones . 217. One asking whence Lobsters were brought , his fellow repli'd , one might easily know their countrey by their coat , they are fetcht surely from the Red Sea. 218. One being ask'd what hee would give for a Sow and seven Pigs , nothing , quoth he , for the Sow , and lesse for the Pigs , if you 'l take that bring'um in . 219. One pretending to pull down a Tree , his neighbour told him his onely way to pull it downe , were to pulck it up by the roots . 220. One making love to a countrey woman , having first kickt her sow , she told him the Proverbe condemn'd him , love me , love my dog . 221. One asking which was the highest Steeple in England , his fellow said , Lincoln without doubt , onely Pauls was much higher . 222. One feeding heartily on his neighbours barley bread , ask'd him what ground that wheat grew on . 223. One asking his neighbor for a hunting Nag , hee told him if he meant to buy a good one he must stay till leap yeere . 224. One laying a wager on a Mares side , the owner bid him doubt not hee should win the money ; if his Horse lost the race , he would cut off his stones . 225. A Countrey Man hearing Pauls Organs , said London Fādlers made the best Musick . 226. One eating powderd Beefe , which was hot in the mouth , told his Hoast , that his Beasts nere dranke any thing but salt water . 227. One having a red Herring to breakefast , took a bit and went away ; for said he , I never eat fresh fish but I am sick after it . 228. One told his companion that Pancrage Church was the first Church in England , that 's true quoth he , for that 's the mother of all ; and Pauls the father . 229. One said Lent was the worst time in all the yeere , there were so many fridayes fell together . 230. One said there were two Shires in England that were most famous . It was Kent and Christendome . 231. A Scholler having Ink that lookt black and writ white , said sure 't was nothing but Blackamores sweat . 232. A young man askt a blind mans counsell how to chuse a wife , I le tell you quoth hee , let me but see her face . 233. One commended his Son for a good Scholler , and said hee could read any thing without book at ●irst sight . 234. A maid being chid for over-sleeping her selfe , told her Mistresse , she would lie awake al night , but she would tell her to a minute how many houres she slept . 235. Two Citizens met , and one said the red Cowes gave the sweetest milke , no sayes the other , give mee the Calfe with the white face . 236. A begging Souldier was relating his shipwracks , and said , in a fight both his Armes were cut off , and if hee had not by chance laid hands on the side he had beene drown'd . 237. Divers youths being jumping together , one protested , though he were now so unweldy , yet he once jump'd further then ere he did in his life . 238. One driking small All , which was very thin , ask'd his Hoast how deare Hopps were sold when that drink was brew'd . 239. One complain'd that hee dream'd continually , and yet knew how long his fellow advis'd him to lay his watch at his beds head . 240. A Genrleman bearing love to a young maid , her father charg'd him to forbeare the house , and told him the next time hee came in , hee would shut the doore against him . 241. Two walking together in the fields , were at length hem'd in by a great ditch , which when they perceived , quoth one of them we must goe back againe ; for this ditch is too big for us to jumpe over ; Nay , quoth the other , I protest I will jumpe over though I light just in the middle . 242. One going along the street in great hast with a pot in his hand , was called by a friend of his in the way , and intreated to stay and drinke with him ; to whom he replied , he could not possibly stay , in regard hee was going in great haste to fetch a pot of Ale to make a Sack Possit of . 243. One living in a Parish of London , espyed the Clearke of the same Parish passing by him , to whom hee said , O Clearke you are very jocund now you have bin at the buriall of your Sexton ; but ere it bee long hee shall doe as much for you . 244. One ( whoby habit seem'd to bee a Minister ) was riding along the high-way neere unto a Coale-kilne ; where out at that time there came a fellow very black , by reason of the smoakinesse of the place from whence hee came : The Minister , minded to make himselfe and his company merry , with a loude voyce called unto the fellow , and asked him what newes from Hell ? To whom hee replied , I know none but this ; The Divell wants a Chaplin , and if you make haste to Hell , I doubt not but you may have the place . 245. One being troubled with a scolding wife , O sayes he , if my wife would but scold patiently , wee should live as quietly as two Lions . 246. One meeting of a maide , sweetheart sayes hee , if you cannot affectt mee , pray let mee entreat your disfavour , for though I never come to visit you , yet I must needes come to see how you doe . 247. One being to admonish a a friend to become a good husband . O sayes hee , the losse of time is the greatest benefit in the world , and therefore follow the example of those that are to come . 248. A milkmaid was going over a stile , and so spild her milke : wherefore sayes shee , I h●● rather have lost twice as much milke if it had beene spil'd and never fallen on the ground . 249. An old man being told that hee should not sweare : well sayes he I will use to weare falling bands , for I never sweare but 't is in my choller . 250. One hearing a sowgelder wind his horne : would every Cuckold sayes hee had such an one , on that condition that I bought one . 251. A Capenter being askt why his wife scolded . The reason is sayes hee because my wives tongue hath got an Ague , and therefore it is now in a shaking fit . 252. One hearing a Fidler play very melodiously : fie upon 't sayes he , this Musick makes me melt into passion like butter in a great frost . 253. One that had beene beyond Sea , being askt what countrey he had beene in : why sayes he I have beene in a countrey that is so fruitful , that it flowes with Oat meale and puddings . 254. One being desirous to see the Lions : well sayes hee it is no wonder that I was drunke at the signe of the Lion , for a Lion is a terrible beast dead or alive . 255. One tying her shooe said : I would not bee ti'd alwayes to this , for 't is unfit the head should stoope to the foot . 256. One being to pay a reckoning : well sayes hee , doe you pay for all that 's come in , and then I 'le discharge the reckoning . 257. One being to give place to another at the table : friend sayes hee , I esteeme you for my chiefest guest , you shall sit at the upper end of the table , and I will sit in the middle right over against you . 258. One asking him what house hee came of : why sayes hee I came of as ancient a house as any in Covent Garden , and I was a Gentlemā before I was borne . 259. A Countrey fellow being askt if hee would come to dinner : I sayes hee , after you have made an end , I le come and dine as soone as you . 260. One being to ride a journey : well sayes he , I am to ride very farre to morrow , yet I 'le eat somewhat in the morning , for when my belly is full , I care not if I fast all day . 261. A Drunkard being laid drunke upon a bed ; desired them to take away the pillow that hee might lie higher with his head . 262. One being very cold : well sayes he I know the reason why I am so cold , for the wind is got into my belly , and I cannot be warme before I have let a — 263. A milke-maid was going over a stile and spilt her milke : well sayes she , I had rather have lost my maiden-head , for this milke I cannot recover , but I could have got that againe though I had lost it over and over . 264. An old serving-man having lost his money at Tables , said ; had I lost my money at Dice it would never have griev'd me . 265. A Skullion having washt his hands very white ; I marry quoth he this is somewhat like , but if I had washt my hands in Snow water , then they would have beene whiter . 266. Two being to fight : well sayes the one if you kill mee then pray commend me to my friends , but if I kill you , you may goe and doe your commendations your selfe . 267. One desiring to know how old the Moone was : another told him that the Moone was out of date , so that although she doe not rise untill morning , yet she will shine all night . 268. A man being to teach an untoward boy to go to plough ▪ sirrah sayes he , if you doe not learne by my destructions , I le take you from plough and se● you to serve hogges : for you are my Uncles son , and therefore nothing a kin unto me . 269. One in a Sermon was saying that Hanniball , that Noble Roman Captaine was wont to sleepe in his Armour to keepe himselfe awake . ⸫ FINIS . THE TWO LAST Centuries of Bulls , Iests and Lies . A Foolish woman seeing her Hen ( having sat her full time ) did not hatch her Egges , desired her next neighbour to tell her the reason of it , and withall how she should get them hatch'd , who told her that shee must put them in a Cuckolds cappe : whereupon shee went to a man she well knew to borrow his hat , not sticking to tell him the cause of her request , whereat hee being netled beate her soundly ; Notwithstanding this beating shee went to another , and another of her neighbours , by whom shee was likewise well swadled ; with which being madded she ranne home in a Pet , and swore she wonld have a Cuckold of her owne ere night , and be beholding to nere a raskall of them all . A lowd Lie. A Fellow swore that hee had seene a Viol-de-Gambo as bigge as an ordinary Church , and another demanding how it could be possibly play'd on , he said , he that own'd it made him a two handed Bow a furlong in length , and he & his wife drew it ore the strings , while twelve of his children ranne up the Frets , and stopt in as due time with their feete , as any man could with his fingers . Of a Fellow with a wide Mouth . A Fellow with a wide mouth complained at his Supper that hee could not hit it , to whom a pleasant companion that sate next him said , If you put your meate in any place betweene your eares you cannot misse it . A Lie. ONe made a relation of a Horse of his , who having been dead , and flea'd three dayes before , came to his parlour window and neigh'd ; wherevpon ( said hee ) I knowing well the neighing of the beast look't out and seeing it was he , and loving him dearely , caused presently twenty Weathers to be kil'd , and clapt them warme to his backe , and this Horse lived seven yeeres after , and yeelded me every yeere seven Tods of Wooll . Of one who thought to get anothers Sword by praising it . A Gentleman liking extremly anothers sword , thought by praising it to make it his own , beleeving that the other in civilitie would offer it him ; but he tooke his marke amisse ; for the other smelling his plot , told him hee should love his Sword the better while he liv'd because he lik'd it , and that in remembrance of him he would never part with it . A Lie. A Brother of the Whetstone swore that a Lady going a journey with foure Flanders Mares in her Coach , one of them chanced to fole on the high-way , and the Lady valuing the Mare at a high rate , caused the Fole to bee put in one of the Bootes of the Coach , and I , said he , knowing the Lady well , and encountring her on the way , lighted to salute her , and bowing to kisse her , the Fole clapt his head betweene hers and and mine , & lick'd my Nose , whereat I was extreamely danted , thinking indeed it had beene the Devill . Of a Puritan . A Puritan Minister inveighing against Pastimes and May-games , called the Towne May-pole , the forbidden Tree . A Lie. ONe swore hee swallowed a Pinne , and presently making a Crosse on his Ankle , pul'd it out there . Of two chollerieke Gamesters . TWo chollericke Brothers dwelling in the same house , and playing often at Tables ; one day amongst the rest fell at difference about a cast , and withall together by the eares ; but their mother reconciled , and swore them never to play more together ; or , if they did , not to speake one word , how angry soever they were : But after this oath taken they fell to play againe , and he who play'd with rhe white men being extreamely angry with the Dice , ( yet remembring his oath ) spake not a word , but threw one of his men into the fire , and called for a white crust in stead of it . Not long after , hee that play'd with the blacke men threw away one of them also , & called for a brown crust in stead of it . : Thus they continued play , and burning their men , till all the Table-men were turn'd to white bread and browne . A Lie. A Souldier protested that being in the Wars between the Russian and Polonian , there was in a great Frost a parley between the two Generals ; one standing on one side of a narrow river , and the other on the other . But , said he , the words were no sooner out of their mouthes but they were frozen , and conld not be heard till eleven dayes after that a Thaw came which dissolv'd them ; and made them audible to all . Of the Kings Evill . A Notable drunkard passing the street , and having his chaps muffled with a red cloth , was asked by a friend who met him what he ailed , to which he answered , that hee was almost starved , and therefore desired the other to have him to a Taverne , and there to bestow on him some wine , and meat ; promising to spend on him an angell the next weeke ; and the other demanding how he would come by an Angell : marry said he , I have a great swelling in my chops , & I hope it is the Kings Evill , and then the King will give me an Angell . A Lie. ONe vowed that on Salisbury-plaine hee started a Hare , and having a swift Horse under him , coursed her , & gave her twenty turnes , at length his Horse being weary , and hee vexed that hee could not tire her , threw his Hatte at her , which lighting just before her , she ran into , and turned over , and over in it so long that hee had leisure to light from his Horse and take her up . Of an old Man and a Boy . AN old Man bringing his Sonne to be Catechized against Easter , the Minister told him he thought he needed instruction as well as his Sonne ; saying withall that hee did not beleeve that he knew , ( as old as hee was ) who made him : and thereupon put that question to him , & the old Man answering nothing the Minister said ; It is a shame that at these yeeres you should bee ignorant of what concernes you so much , & your child knowes better then you . Marry I thinke so , replied the old man ; for hee is but newly made , and may well remember it , but fourescore yeeres are past since I was made . A Lie. A Dutch Admirall telling a lowd lie before the States , was seconded with a lowder by one of his Captaines ; who being rebuked by one of the States for broaching so notorious an untruth ( he answered ) I doe but my dutie in following my Admirall . Of a Gentlewoman who sung out of time , and tune . A Gentlewoman having a very bad voyce , and singing both out of time and tune , was told by one of her Auditors that shee sung most heavenly ; who being accused by a friend then present of grosse flattery , hee said , I spake most properly in saying shee sang most heavenly , since there is no time in heaven , nor in her singing . A Lie. A Notable Cheat , asked for Ashes , ten pounds a peck ; and being asked why hee sold them so deare , hee swore they were the Ashes of those Coles that burnt Saint Laurence . Of a Thiefe . A Thiefe being arraigned , and asked what hee said to his accusation , Marry replied he , it is a foule matter , and I desire to heare no more of it . The same Rogve swore hee would bind the Judge to the Peace , because he stood in feare of his life by his meanes . A Lie. A Notorious Liar said hee saw a Stone falling from Heaven , and that it was fifteene yeeres in comming downe , and that hee never slept all that while , and that hee could see as well in the night , as the day . Of a Fart . ONe beeing asked what of all things was the most merry , answered a Fart ; for that doth nothing but sing from its birth to its death . A Lie. A Faulkner affirmed with many oathes that he kil'd a hundred birds at one shoot , and all in the eye . Of a Three-penny-Ordinary . A Fellow being at a Three-penny-Ordinary , the servant brought him a very little peece of mutton in a great platter of pottage , which done , he went for Bread and Beere . At his returne hee found the man starke naked ; and wondring at it , ask't him the reason why hee stript himselfe in such cold wether : Marry replied he , if you had not come in as you did I had swomme to the Mutton ; for without swimming it is impossible ever to come at it . A Lie. ONe swallowed a Larkes Claw whole , and feeling a week after an extreame paine in one of his sides , and wondring what it should bee , hee swore he espied the Claw comming forth . Of a Woman in Labour . A Scholler lying in a Midwifes house , and seeing her on a time going out , asked her whither shee was going ; to whom shee answered that shee was going to a Womans Labour . She returning some two houres after , he asked her if the Woman was brought to bed , I or no , to which she answered no , then replied he , you come from the Labour in Vaine . A Lie. A Fellow swore by no small ones , that hee ran a Grayhound Bitch great with whelpe at a Hare ; who taking a hedge , and the Bitch making after her , shee lighted on a stake , which rent her belly up , and that the whelps that were in her wombe ranne after the Hare and kill'd her . I loved ( said he ) this Bitch so well that I made me a paire of Buskins of her skinne , which had the power to indue mee with such swiftnesse , that if at any time a Hare started in my presence , I could not rest till I caught her . Of a Glutton . A Glutton wished at a great Feast that hee had beene created a Cow rather then a man ; for a man , said hee , can eate but three or foure times a day at most ; whereas a Cow chewed her Cudde , and eate continually . The same beast wished that if hee went to Heaven when he died , he might be wound up by a Jack . A Lie. A Fisher-man affirmed , that he drew up an Eele in his Net as big as the Towne May-pole , and called his man to witnesse ; who said , it was hardly so bigge , but swore it was full as long . A Lie. A Traveller praising the Citie of Venice , and being questioned by one of the company concerning some particular places of that Citie , he said , truly Sir , I only passed through it Post , and the other objecting that no man could passe there by Horse , but that all men went by Bote : hee replied , that hee rid through it in a great frost when the Sea was frozen . A Lie. A Fowler maintained that hee kill'd three hundred Snipes at a shoot . A Lie. A Keeper swore hee shot off a Bucks right foot and left eare at a shoot , & beeing asked how hee could possibly doe it , he answered , that the Buck was lying , and scratching his left eare with his right foot when he shot him . Of an Ape Carrier . AN Ape Carrier before a great concourse of people asked his Ape what hee would doe for the King of England ? Whereat the Ape scipped : See , Gentlemen , said hee , How the poore dumbe thing leapeth for joy at the very Name of the English King. Hee then demanded what hee would doe for the Pope ? wherupon the Ape couched close , and grinned : You may see by this , noble spectators , said hee , that the ingenious beast is a good Protestant . He thought by this to catch his silly audience , but was caught himself , and soundly beaten . Of a Protestant , and a Papist . A Lare French Protestant : in birth and knowledge equally great , confuted whole swarmes of Monkes that came to convert him . They finding themselves too weake by Disputation , betooke them to corruption , and so by promotion made him a Convert . Not long after a Papist encountring a Protestant in the street , upbraided him thus . You see now Sir , the excellency and force of the Catholicke Religion , in that it is able to convince the most knowing , and eminent man on your side ; To which the other made this reply . Rather you may discerne by this the clearenesse of our Religion ; and how farre in value it surpasseth yours , in that you were faine to give boote . Of two Gentlemen , and an Hostesse . TWo Gentlemen being in a Taverne , bespake of the Hostesse a Legge of Porke against a prefixed day , and bade her powder it throughly . In obedience to their command shee spared no salt , and made it so briny , that it was able to fire a pallat of Ice : Well , the day being come , and the company met ; one of the Gentlemen longing to tast it cut a great slash , but the first bit was no sooner in his mouth , then hee spit it out againe , and threw the dish with the meat over his head , crying out with as loude a voyce as men doe fire : I willed the salt Bitch , said hee , to corne mee well a Legge of Porke , and she hath served in a limme of Lots wife . Of the Sunnes Eclipse . A Company of women beholding the Eclips of the Sun , thought verily the Moone and hee had beene together by the eares : whereupon some cried out , God blesse the Sunne , God blesse the Sun , for if the wicked Moone overcome him , wee shall bee in everlasting darkenesse , ô , said others trembling , it is to be feared she will have the better of him . Marry , answered others , wee pray Heaven shee may , and you are but unthankfull wretches to pray , & raile against the Female Star , to which in all your course you are so much beholding . No sooner had the Sunne recovered his wonted luster , but those of his party made haste to drink his health , some in the Grape , others the Barley hee had ripened for them . Those of the Moones faction , studied who should honour her most , some made oblation of Eggs to her in her owne shine , and others vowed to offer up to this horned Queene , hornes of their owne making . Of a loving Wife . DIscourse arising at a great feast of loving Wives , one there present made mentiō of one of the most affectionate he thought , that ever the Sunne looked upon . Of this so much predicated affection hee gave this evidence , that hee had heard her often sweare , when ever her husband rose out of bed before her , she vsed to conveigh her selfe into his warme place , so much shee loved the heat and impression his body left behind it . Tush , replied a merry fellow , This is an infallible signe she lov'd his roome better then his company . Of a loving couple . TWo antiēt friends meeting , fell into talke of a new married couple well knowne to them both , and one of them being their neighbor , the other demaunded of him how they agreed ; For said hee , it is buz'd abroad they jangl● often , of which I desire to be resolved . The other answered , it was as meere a slander as the Divell himselfe could forge ; in that since the first two that peopled the world , never any paire gave clearer demonstrations of a firme friendship . There can be , quoth he , no more apparent token of a mutuall dearnesse , then when two joy one joy , and grieve one griefe ; and that they doe . I will instance in this onely : If peradventure his occasions call him from home hee rejoyces , and she rejoyces ; and when he returnes backe againe , hee grieves , and she grieves . Of a Poet , and a Sculler . A Famous Poet , out of meere charitie tooke a house , on the Back-side , intending ; indeed , what hee could never comp●●●e , to civilize the Water-men . No man more able then he to deliver himselfe by Tongue , or Pen , yet hardly able to live . A hard case , when amongst the many who offer their service to Apollo , and the nine Muses , so few should by them be owned , and yet those few receive such hard bord-wages , and weare such beare Liveries . Well , this brave man standing a beggar at his owne doore a Scullar being to change his Fares money came to him , and ( after the manner of those ignorant men ) concluded what , indeed , he should have questioned . Sir , said he , you cannot give me a groat and a two pence for a sixe pence . What if I cannot you rogue ? replied the good man , and being netled , gave him a kick on the britch that set him halfe way to his boat . Another of his touching a Pigge . IT is a received opinion in London , especially on the Banck-side , that the Dogges line the Sowes . This companion proved it to be most true ; for his neighbours finding him beating a poore woman , first tooke him off , and then questioned what cause hee had so to vse her . A poxe on the damn'd whore , said he , she sold me a pigge that barked . A Jinne of his to catch Fiddles . BEing often troubled with unseasonable Fidlers that played at his window before day , at length hee devised a Jinne for them . Hee boored holes through halfe a dozen peeces of silver , and fastned them to a packthred ; and when these importunate rogues next came , hee opened his window , told them he was not well , and therefore could not endure any noyse ; yet thanked them for their good will , and said , Here my masters , drinke this Crowne for my sake ; then threw he downe the same money tied to the packthred , but no sooner did he heare it clink on the ground , but hee pull'd it up againe . Those Fidlers that first stoop't for it , were accused by the rest of theft ; so from bad words they proceeded to strōg blowes , and when day broke , to his extreame laughter , hee discovered the broken ribs of many slaughtered Fidles . Of a journy of his into the Countrey . HEe and his mate in wit , F. B. making a journey of pleasure into the Countrey , in the company of many their merry companions , and riding a slow pace , one amongst the rest made a motion to put their horses to a hand gallop , that they might come to their lodging in a good houre ; Pish , said F. B. Let us runne them ; what is a false gallop amongst halfe a dozen ? At length the two Poets riding on two horses that halted worse then any Verse , laid a wager of sixe pence a stumble , and twelve pence a fall , had judges deputed ; and at night hee was crowned as victorious that had escap't the most stumbles , and overcome the most falls . Of one whose Horse tired . A Pleasant Gentleman riding in post hast , and his Horse beginning to faile him , one that overtooke him ask't him from whence hee came , to whom hee answered , From Sidon ; hee then asked him whither hee went , hee replied , to Tyre . The conceit is so easie it needes no explaining . Of another whose Horse tired . A Gentleman riding post , and forcing his Horse beyond the ordinary post rate , at length hee was so farre spent , that hee could not budge one foote further : Well , said hee , I have rid post all this day , and now I stand post . Of a Gentleman , and a Carman . ALl Carmen are as arrant beasts as their horses , and deserve indeed no other imployment then to carry one another to Tyburne . One of these meeting a Gentleman in a narrow lane runne him up against a wall , and after exchange of bad language betwixt them , lasht him so , that the Gentleman when he came to his lodging , swore to his Host , he met a fellow that with his whip set him up , and made him spin like a top . Of a Player , and a Bearward . WIll Backsted the best Comedian , that ever trod on English Stage , drinking one day with Master Henshman , Master of the ●ame at the Paris Garden , provoked him so farre , that Hensman struck him box on the eare ; whereupon Will , who was onely tongue-valiant said , Well Pope Henshot , I will hee even with you another time Pope ; thou slave , replied he , why call'st thou me Pope ? I defie the Pope and all his workes . Why , answered Will , wilt thou deny that name ? do'st thou not send Bulls abroad every day . Of a Boy that saw a Dogge in a Wheele . A Poore Woman in the Countrey sent her Sonne to a Gentlemans house upon some errant or other . The loytering lad staid somewhat too long , whereat his mother being offended , beat him soundly at his returne . Execution ended , the boy told her if she had beene there shee would have stai'd as long as he , and she demanding the reason , hee said . O mother , it would have done your heart good to see how daintily a Dogge in a Wheele spinned rost meat . Of a ridiculous Fellow . A Ridiculous Fellow being laugh'd at by the whole company , told them that he had a certaine qualitie , which was to laugh at all them that laughed at him . Hast thou ? replied one of his companions ; then thou leadest the merriest life of any man in Christendome , implying that all the world laught at him . Of taking the Wall. TWo fellowes falling out in the street , they drew , & one wounded the other ; the people who came to part them , asked him that was hurt how they fell out ; to which hee replied that he knew not , having never seene the other in all his life . They then ask't the other how hee came to draw upon one hee never saw before and so consequently could not bee offended by him , to which hee answered , that the day before the others Boate tooke the wall of his on the Thames . Of a House and a Sellar . A Gentleman who was a good fellow , sent a man of his to take him a house in London . After the fellow had wandred long up and downe , at length hee red this bill on a doore , Here is to be let a house with a Dining roome , a Kitchin , sixteene Chambers , and a Sellar ready furnisht . Whereupon hee ranne to his Master , and told him that he had found a House for his turne , with a Sellar full of good liquor ; the Asse thinking that the word ( furnish● ) had not relation to the whole House , but to the Sellar onely . Of a witty Clearke . A witty Clearke to a Justice of Peace , that for a bribe used to helpe delinquents at a dead lift , speaking of two Justices ; one whereof was craftie & subtile , the other a Dunse said , hee had as much adoe to conceale a businesse from the one , as hee had to make the other understand it . Of a Spitter before a Justice . A Hainous Thiefe beeing brought before a Justice , all the time of his examination would not speake a word , but hawk'd , and spit extreamely ; whereupon the Justice call'd him unmannerly knave , and askt him why he spit so much ; to which hee thus answered , I am endeavouring to cleare my selfe . Of a Tailor and a Horse . A Tailour bought a large Horse of a Gentleman for seven poūds to be paid at three moneths end , and in the meane time hee altered a sute for the Gentleman , which in his esteeme could not amount to above forty shillings . When they came to reckon , the Tailour brought him a bill of seven pounds ; whereat the Gentleman being amazed said , I firmly beleeve that it is impossible for a Cammell to goe through the eye of a needle , yet my horse being almost as bigge as a Cammell , is gone quite through . Of Evill in Good. Two subtile disputers decided this questiō , whether or no there be any evill in good , an old fellow sitting by , as moderatour , said , that hee would maintaine that evill mought bee in good ; and to prove it by demonstration shewed them an impostum'd legge in a new stocking . Of a Jakesfarmer . A Jakes-farmer passing the streetes of London at his usuall time of night two , or three Citizens passing by him stopped thei● noses , and cryed faugh , whereat be being much offended , cursed them , saying ; A murren on you for a company of coxcombes , if you would stop your Arses , you need not at all stop your Noses . Of a Child , and a fat Man. A Verry fat Man walking abroad , a little Child espi'd him , and wondring at him , ran into his mother , and said , O Mother had you beene with me you should have seene the strangest sight ! There was a man passed by with two Arses , one before & another behinde . Of Bankes , and his Horse . BAnkes being at Orleance in France , and making his famous Horse do tricks , which to the French seemed so strang● , & wonderfull that they thought they could not be done without the helpe of the Divell , The Monkes and Friars caused him to be apprehended , & brought him before the Magistrate , and accused him to be a Witch , or a Conjurer ; Whereupon Banks desired them he might send for his Horse , and then he would give them a plaine demonstration that hee was no Divell .. They granted his request , and when the Horse was come , hee entreated one of them to hold up his Crucifixe before the Horse ; which hee no sooner did but the Horse kneeled downe before it , whereat they greatly marvelled , and saying , the Beast was inspired ; dismissed Banks not without money , and great commendations . Of two men stunge with Gnats . TWo men lying together in a Moone-shine might , they were both so extreamely stung with Gnats that they could not take their rest : Yet at length one of them of a tougher skinne then the other fell asleepe . The other lying still awake , and being still tormented , bethought himselfe how hee might secure his face from the Gnats ; At length he remembred hee had beene a Whisler in a Ma●● the Christmas before , and that hee had a Vizard in his Trunke . Hee therefore rose , put it on , and presently fell asleepe . His bed-fellow rising to make water , and beholding such a face in bed with him , ran toward the Chamber doore , and cried out , The Divell ; the other awakened with the noise , and hearing him name the Divell , ( forgetting hee had his Vizard on ) made after him , & both leaping downe the staires , lay at the bottome of them well bruised , and bewrayed till morning . Of a Merry Fellow . A Merry Fellow being in the company of many Ladies , and Gentlewomen happened to let a fart , whereat they all laughed extreamely , thinking to put him out of countenance , but he nothing at all abash't said , Intruth Ladies , I had thought a poore mans Taile would not have beene heard amongst you . Of one who ●●rswore being bound . A Gentleman having sworn on the Bible to his wife never to bee bound for any man more ; a friend of his came to intreat him to stand bound with him for fiftie pound , which he denied to do , alleadging his oath ; yet seeing the other depart discontēted whom he dearely loved , he called him backe , and said ; I have found a way to save my oath : I will be the principall , and thou shalt be bound with me . Of a Gentleman and a Pandar . A Noble Gentleman being abused by a base panderly fellow , did presently upon the place beat him well-favourdly . Whereuppon the braggadochya the next day sent his boy to him , to certifie him that his Master stai'd for him with his sword in St. G●●●ges fields ; Whereunto the other thus answered , I pray thee thee tell thy Master I doe not mean● to bee so familiar with him , intimating the disparitie betweene a Gentleman a and Rascall . Of a Drunkards eyes . A Drunkard having lost one of his eyes with drinking , was warned by his Physition to leave off tipling , least hee lost the other also ; to whom he thus replied , I care not if I doe , for I have seene enough , but I have not drunke enough . Of a ●pend all in drinke . A Gentleman ( if so ignoble a beast deserve so noble a name ) having spent a revenue of a thousand Per annum in quassing , happened to walke through a Market Towne of the same County where hee lived . A certaine fellow that well knew him said to his companion , seest thou that man , he hath spent a thousand pound Per annum in drinke . The Drunkard overhearing him replied ; yes that I have , and for all that am adrie yet . Of one who lost his nose with the French Pox. THe Pox having eaten a fellowes nose quite off , the scab forsaking that part , had an ambition to take the circumference of his face , and beginning at one eare , went round by his chin till it reached the other . A simple fellow espying it , and taking it for a Ring-worme , said to his companion . Didst thou ever see a Ring-worme runne about so ? to which the other answered , thou art a foole , it must needs goe about when the bridge is broken downe . Of another nose lost with the same Pox. ONe having lost his nose by the Pox was warned by his Chyrurgeon to venture no further , least at last the contagion reached his braine . Tut replied he , you counsell me in vaine ; thinke you I will give ore a looser ? Of Peters being at Rome . LIttle Captaine Norris hearing a Divine at a Lords Table maintaine that Peter was never at Rome , replied with an oath that hee lied ; for hee had heard Peter himselfe say that he had beene there , meaning one Captaine Peter . Of the same Captaine Norris . THis Captaine being of a dwarfish stature , rid out one day alone to discover the enemy . My Lord of Essex his Generall hearing of it , and knowing the rashnesse and indiscretion of the man , said to the standers by . The enemy will take this Urchion , and crampe him till hee confesse all the secrets of our Army ; wherefore halfe a dozen of you ride severall wayes , that you may finde , and fetch him in . They obeyed , and after a long search one of them found him , and told the manner how . My Lord , said he ; after a tedious enquiry after him , I lighted on a shepheard , who told mee hee saw no man passe that way , but that a horse an houre before went by with a Hart at the saddle pummell , by which relation I knew it was litle Norris , and riding after him brought him back . Of an Annuitie given to the same Captaine , by Sir Edward Norris . SIr Edward Norris pittying this litle Captaines low estate gave him an Annuitie of fortie pounds per annum , and bound land for the payment of it . The Lawyer read the Indenture to the little Captaine ; where it was specified that the exhibition was to be pai'd him by twenty pound every halfe yeere , to wit , at the Feast of our Lady , and the Feast of Saint Michael . Whereat the Captaine incensed , as having received an injury , snatched the writing out of the Counsellours hand , and tore it , and call'd Sir Edward Norris all to nought . The Lawyer demanding a reason of his anger , he thus replied . Have you no body to make a foole but of me ? Thinke you a Souldier can make two feasts with fortie pounds . The Lawyer could not win him to accept of the Annuitie till hee had blotted out the Word Feast . Of a short Cloake . A Gentleman walking in Saint Pauls with a short Cloake that scarce reached to the skirts of his Dublet , a pleasant fellow came to him , and said , Sir you forgot to day to put on your Bases . Of no Lawyer is Heaven . THe Spaniards have a tale of a fellow who knockt at Heaven gates , and demanded entrance , which being deni'd him by Saint Peter ; he then besought him he might have a Certificate that hee had beene there like a good Christian to demand entrance . Saint Peter told him hee should have one presently . But after a long stay the Saint returned , and told him he must goe back without one ; for hee had beene cleane through Heaven to seeke a Lawyer to make him a Certificate , but could not find one . Of a fellow who gave his eldest Sonne to the Divell . AN old fellow beeing to sweare in a cause , the Judge bad him beware hee forswore not himselfe , and told him the penalty of Perjury in plaine termes , not sticking to tell him that the Divell would have him if hee forswore himselfe . To which the aged man answered that he had given the Divell his eldest Sonne already , and he hoped he would content himselfe with him . The Judge bidding him explaine himselfe more clearely , he sticked not to say that he had made his eldest Sonne a Lawyer , and that hee thought all of that profession went to the Divell . Of a foolish Constable . A Constable commaunding two Gentlemen that past by his Watch at an unlawfull time of night to come before him , hee askt them whence they came , to which one of them replied that hee was an Asse ; O , said he , speaking to his Watch , are women or Christians ? was ever the like heard of , that the Kings Substitute should be cal'd Asse ? Beadle carry him away to the Counter . The Beadle departing with the Gentleman , his friend left behind told the Constable he had best be advised what he did , for he whom he had sent to prison was the Duke of Buckingams kins-man . Whereat being amaz'd , and afraid , commanded a Watchman to fetch the Gentleman backe , who being returned , he ask't if he were a kin to the Duke , to which hee answered affirmative . I pray you said the Constable , how neare a kin are you ? I am replied the Gentleman , cousin German quite removed . Are you indeed , said the Constable ? I would not for a world have committed you , and I pray you to pardon my rashnesse . Of a posie for a Ring . A Gentlewomā whose name was Grace , desired a Poet her sweet-heart to make her a Latin posie for a Ring , who instantly presented her with this . Cupio iuire Gratiam . The conceit in Latin is excellent , but cannot be Englisht . Of a posie for a Ring . A Fellow who was to marry a very hansome Wench , came to a Schollar , and earnestly entreated him to give him a posie for a Wedding Ring . The Schollar knowing his wife to be a very wanton , gave him for a posie the sixt Commandement , Thou shalt not commit Adultery . Of one that called the Pope Antichrist . A Distracted Schismaticall fellow comming to Rome , and seeing the Pope , ride in pompe , cried out to him , Thou art the Antichrist ; for which incivillitie hee was forth with carried to the house of Inquisition , and the next day was conveighed thence to bee burnt as an Heretick . When he came to the stake , and saw the combustible stuffe prepared to burne him , hee ask't his Ghostly Father who endeavoured his conversion , whether or no , it were not yet too late to make his retractation ; who answered , that the Popes mercy had no limits , and offered ( in case he was serious ) to make a triall of the power hee had with his Holinesse . The Delinquent accepted of his curteous offer , and presently the Friar departed , and not long after returned with his conditionary pardon . Hee no sooner arrived , but the offender made a publick recantation with great submission ; whereat the Friar much wondring , ask't why he did not retract his damnable opinions before ? which had hee done , he had saved himselfe from that publick disgrace . To this he repli'd , that he was resolv'd to die till he saw the fire , which much terrified him ; for said hee , I came into the world a poore rawe thing , and would be loath to goe out r●sted . Of a Woman and her Daughters ▪ ugly alike . A Merry companion passing under a windowe , by chance look't up , and espied three or foure ugly Women looking out , and he presently made an inquiry who they were , and was told that they were one Mistresse Fowler , and her Daughters , whereat hee laughing said ; their names are well fitted to their persons , they having degrees of deformitie ; for there are amongst them , fowler , and fowler , and fowler . Of Knights o th' Post . A Country Clown complaining to one that his witnesses were not come up to the Terme ; a stander by told him , that he might find in the Temple Church Knights of the Post , who for money would sweare any thing . Hee having hired two of these , and brought them into an open Court , the Judge asked him if hee had brought good witnesses ; yes that I have , replied the simple fellow ; for they are both Knights , which his false witnesses no sooner heard , but they tooke a faire paire of heeles ; whereat hee ror'd out like a Bull , and the Iudge commiserating his case and simplicitie , gave him further time to bring in his witnesses . Of a Formall Fellow . A Formall fellow , being a profest lover of propriety of speech , was asked by one how old he was ; to whom hee answered : I am three and three score ; and why , said the other , say you not threescore and three ; because , said he , I was three before I was threescore . Of a Traveller . A Gentleman told his sonne he would send him to travell , to the end hee might understand himselfe . The sonne in obedience to his command tooke his voyage ; but returned farre sooner then his Father intended hee should have done . His Father demanding the reason of his so sudden returne , he answered him thus . Sir , you sent me abroad onely to understand my selfe , and that I already doe ; for I never understood any body else , since my departure ; meaning that hee had not learnt one word of any forreigne language . Of a witty Wench and her Lover . A Yong Gentleman loved a beautifull , and witty Gentlewoman , but could not obtaine her Parents consent . Whereupon hee being discontented went to travel , and from Venice wrote his Mistresse a petionary letter , that in requitall of his so constant love , shee would vouchsafe to live yet seven yeeres unmarried . To which earnest request of his shee answered , that shee must needes grant any petition comming from such a Suter ; but withall intreated him to beleeve that if she maried sooner ; nay , within a yeere , it must beimputed , to his absence , which made one yeere seeme to her as long as seven . Of laying ods . TWo Gamsters contesting about a cast , one of thē in great earnestnes told the other he would lay his head against a calves head on 't , to which the other replied , hee would not take that bet , but if he would lay him any ods he would hold him . Of a blind fellow playing upon a wheeled Cymball . CErtaine Gentlemen being earnest at play in their In at Saint Albons , they heard a fellow playing on a Cymball in the yard , and asked one of their fellowes who had beene below who it was that made that noise , to which hee answered , that it was a blind fellow rosting Sellingers round Hee play'd indeed that Dance , and wound his hand about as men usually doe in the turning of a Spitte . Of a long Nose . STrada reports that a fellow liv'd in his time whose nose was so long that hee could not heare himselfe sneeze . Of a Gentleman , and a Shrieve of London . A Shrieve of London , who was a good fellow , and kept a brave table , invighted a Gentleman , to Supper . The ●entleman sent him many thankes by his man , & excused his not comming , alledging that the Shrieve used too much Maze with his meat , a Spice which of all other his Master lov'd not . The Shrieve being ingenious and apprehensive knew by this message that the Gentleman was in debt , and ( having first discharged his Catchpoles ) sent fot him , and feasted him royally . Of a Silenc'd Minister , who spake in the nose . ONe hearing a silenc'd Minister speake in the nose , askt his companion standing by the reason of it . Foole , said the other , how should he speake otherwise then in the nose , when the Bishoppe hath stopp'd his mouth ? Of a Puritans kneeeling to the Kings health . A Certaine Major at his table beganne the Kings health on his knee , on purpose to fetch a Puritan Alderman downe on his . The Puritan , contrary to all mens expectation pledg'd it on both knees , and the Major demāding the reason why he kneeled on both knees , he answered , that he kneeled on one in honour of the King , and on the other to aske God forgivenesse for so doing . Of a blind Man. DIvers Courtiers at Paris passing the new Bridge , espied a blind Man with the balls of his eyes so faire that they suspected hee was a counterfeit . A Duke amongst them , being basely borne , told them hee would make experiment of his truth , for said hee , if hee can see hee must needs know mee , he daily sitting here , and I daily passing by , and being a man of eminency . Whereupon hee went directly to the beggar , and pulled him by the nose , whereat the beggar roar'd out , and cal'd him bastardly rogve . My masters , said the Duke , he sees perfectly , he could nere have known mee so well else . But the man indeed was blind , and this onely a vicious speech often in his mouth . Of a Captaine and his Hostesse . AN oblivious Captaine resident in Debelen , having forsaken the Citie for feare of the Plague , a weeke after his being in the Countrey , remembred that hee had a hundred pound bagge under his beds-head . Whereupon in post hast he returnes back , and comming to his lodging findes , Lord have mercy on us , written on the doore . After he had knockt a while , his Landlady look't out , whom he asked for his Bagge . Noble Captaine , said she , I pray you stay a while for your bag , for the child is dead in the bed where the bagge lies . Tush , replied the Captaine , I care not if the child had died in the bag , and therefore throw it mee downe , which she accordingly did . Of one demanding the way . A Gentleman riding on the way , and seeing a man standing at his doore , asked him if he were in his ready way to South-hampton . The fellow asked whence hee came ; Pish , said the Gentleman , what is it to thee whence I come ; you say true , indeed , answered the fellow , it is nothing to mee whence you come , nor whither you would , & with that whipt in , and shut the doore upon the Gentleman , who else had curried his coat . Of an Vsurer . TWo Gentlemen walking abroad to take the aire , they espied an old Usurer a neighbour of theirs discending from a steepe mountain . When they approacht neare him , one of them askt him where he had beene , to whom he answered , that he had beene on the top of that hill to breath himselfe . The other ask't him why hee came downe ? Why said the Usurer would you haue had mee stay there still ? I marry would I , replied the other for thou wilt never come so neare heauen a-againe I will warrant thee . Of a Doctor of the Ciuill Law created at Orleans in FRANCE . THere is an universitie at Orleans in France where any man may proceed Doctor for mony though hee be vtterly void of learning . An ignorant German hauing invited ( as the custome is ) the Doctor of the Chaire , and the chiefe of the universitie to supper . The German being in his cups asked the Doctor of the Chaire if hee would take money to make his horse Doctor too ; to whom hee answered , yes , for , sayd he , I may make a horse Doctor as well as an Asse , intimating the German himselfe . Of a mad-Man . A Countrey man comming to London went to see Bedlam , where when he arriued he fell into discourse with a madd man , and amougst other questions demanded if he were married ? no replied the lunaticke I am not so mad yet . Of a fellow who had a shrew to his wife . THe spaniards haue a tale of two felows who came to Heaven gates to demand entrance vpon their first knock . S. Peter came to the doore and asked what they would have , to whom one of them answered that he desired entrance . Then S. Peter asked him if he had past Purgatory , to whom he answered no , but that he had a scolding wife who was to him a purgatory , nay Hell it selfe . Alas poore man said S. Peter . Enter in peace . The other that stood behinde , and heard all their discourse , thought with himselfe that now he knew the way hee would surely get in too . Wherfore he knockt , and when Saint Peter came , hee askt this fellow as he did the other , whither or no hee had past Purgatory , to whom the man answered negatiuely ; but withall affirmed that hee had beene husband to three wives , the arrantest scolds the world could produce . A way , thou idle fellow , repli'd Saint Peter , here is no place for fooles ; implying that hee should have taken warning by the first . Of the builder of Bedlam . SOme say the builder of Bedlam was a Lawyer , and gave out the reason of his so pious worke to bee , that as hee had gottē his estate by mad-men , so to mad men he would leaue it . Of a fellow three times imprisoned for naming his profession . A Maker of Globes , Scales , and other Mathematical instruments , told me that he had bin thrice committed by Constables for naming his profession . When the Constable cal'd him before him , and asked his profession , he answered truely , he was a Mathematition ; what , replied the Constable , doth hee mock mee ? carry him to prison . Of a Suter to a Widow . A Gentleman being a Suter to a Widow , and hauing never a man , every time hee went to her , hired one or other to wait on him , so that seldome the same man went with him twice . At length the Suter being to goe into the countrey , came to take his leave of his Mistresse ; after hee had kist her , she cal'd to his man , and askt him his name ; who answered it was John. Then John , said she , let me take my leave of thee too ; for happily I may see thy Master againe , but thee I shall never . A witty encounter betweene two . ONe complaining in a great assembly that he could not find a house or place to live in with a good prospect . One named Chambers standing by , said he could tell him of a house for his turne , but it was built of wood . The other asking him where it was , hee made answere , at Tiburne . True , replied the other , that were a fine house indeed , but it wants Chambers . Of a most significant word . ONe being askt what was become of such a man , made answere hee was conduc'd ; the other demanded what he meant by that ? he answered that he was hang'd : being demanded what was become of another , hee answered hee was conduc'd too . What said the other , is hee hang'd ; no repli'd he , he is drown'd . Being askt what was become of a third , he answered hee was conduc'd too . Whereupon the other much questioned him whether hee were hanged or drowned , to which hee answered ; neither , but that he was married . In truth said the other , this conduc'd is a very significant word that stand● in one place for hanging , in another for drowning , and in a third for matrimony . Of a Drunkard . A Gentleman beeing very drunke , came to suppe at a friends house , and told him he came a mile on purpose to sup with him , to whom the other answered ; that his obligation was infinite , in that he would vouchsafe to come to him before he was come to himselfe . Of an ugly Man , and a beautifull Woman . TWo Gentlemen standing together , a very beautifull Gentle-woman past by ; whereupon one of them said to the other ; There goes the handsomest Woman I ever saw . Shee overhearing him turned back , and seeing him to be an ugly fellow said , Sir , I would in way of requitall I could say as much by you ; to whom he answer'd , so you may , and lie as I did . Of the same Mouns●ere . HAving one arme shorter then another , hee commanded his Taylor to make him one sleeve shorter then the other , which hee accordingly did , for which hee beat him , saying to his servants standing by ; I bad this R●gve make me one sleeve shorter then another , and he hath made one longer then another . Of a one ey'd Fellow . A One ey'd Fellow being newly married , and being assured by a friend of his that his wife had catcht a cracke before hee had her , one day called her to account , and told her she came not to him so perfect as she ought , to which shee answered , neither did he come perfect to her , having but one eye , But I repli'd he , lost mine eye by mine enemy , and I , answered shee , lost my Maydenhead with my friend . Of a Musitian . DOctor Bull a fantasticall man being Reader of the Musicke Lecture in Gresham Colledge , and hearing in the night one cry out fire , with a lowd and shrill voice , ran out and brake his pate , and the people asking why hee did so , hee answered , because he cried out of tune . Of two Beggars . TWo Beggars after long space meeting by chance , one of them askt the other how his Nephew Jack did . Jack ? repli'ed he , the world is well mended with Jack since you saw him ; for hee hath gotten a staffe , and a 〈◊〉 , and begges for himselfe . How say you , said the other , I ever thought that boy would come to promotion . Of Lice . A Young Souldier complaining to an old , that he was much troubled with Lice , and that they bit him continually , the old blade said thus to him , we Souldiers have a present remedy for that ; for as soone as we feele a lo●●● bite , we instātly turne our shirts and then he hath a dayes march before hee can come to the skin againe . Of Lice . A Beggar boy be●oaning himselfe to his father , that hee was much tormented with Lice : the old man gave him this instruction . Sirra , said he , when you feele a Lowce sting , you must giue but one shrugge ; whereas you alwayes give two , the first of which layes him on his back , and the second casts him on his belly againe . Of loosing Eares . A Young resolute man sitting by others at play , asked an antient Gamster if hee should goe halfe with him at a double vie , at In and In ▪ to whom the other answered , No ; for said he , should I loose your money , you would have me by the eares : I had thought replied the young man you had none ; yes Sir , answered the old Cinquater , I have eares I thank God ; I would wish you then , said the other to make much of them for many an honester ●an goes without . Of two Roarers . TWo Roarers drinking together in a Taverne , one of them began his Lords health , whom the other hating ▪ he in a scornfull manner pledg'd it , and then began to the other a health to the Divell . Hee denying to pledge it , they fell together by the eares , and tho Host of the house came in and parting them ; demanded the cause , of the quarrell , and understanding it at large from them both , he told the Gentleman who refused to drinke to the Divell , that hee was in the fault , in that the other having pledg'd his Lords health , he afterwards refused to pledge his Lord and Masters . Of an ugly Woman . A Gentleman Faulkner calling at a Farmers doore for some Pidgeons , the man of the house past out by him with out speaking a word ; and presently his ugly wife came to the doore also , of whom ( having first demanded Pidgeons ) he askt if that were her husband who came out but a litle before : yes , answered she , for want of a better ; Hee is good enough for thee , repli'd the other , were he worse . Of a Constable . A Constable called one before him , and asked him whither he was going , to which the other replied that he could not tell . With which answere the Constable being offended bad his Watch carry him to prison . I marry , said the fellow , now I know whither I am going indeed . Of a Constable . A Constable examining a drunken Captaine what hee made out of his lodging so late , and receiving from him a contemptible answere , sent him away to prison . The Captaine intreated his guard to have him backe to the Constable , promising to give him a submissive satisfaction . Wherewith they being moved , carried him back to their Master ; whom hee no sooner saw , but pretending to whisper to him , hee tooke him by the eares ; and pulling his head close to him , bit of the end of his nose . For this uncivill fact being carried to Jayle , and the next day brought before the Justice , before whom the Constable shewed a huge red bottle nose full of whelkes . O cri'd the Captain to the Justice , It is punishment enough to have had that putrified nose in my mouth , & with that before them all lai'd up his stomack . Of a Souldier . A Gentleman on a certaine night told a friend of his that hee was to goe over with Mans-field , a Cornet to a troupe of Horse . The next night hee came to him againe , and told him hee was to goe the same voyage an Ancient of a Foote Company . Out upon 't said his friend , thou art a meere Carrier , sometimes on horsebacke , sometimes on foot . Of a begging Souldier . A Souldier followed a Gentleman , and demanded an Almes in this manner . Noble Sir , I beseech you to looke down upon the Image of God ; I am a Man as you are , a Souldier by profession , and have both given wonnds , and received them . To whom the Gentleman thus answered . I will give you nothing ; for you Souldiers have a custome to raile at those who deny you almes . The Souldier thus repli'd , It is not my custome , Noble Sir to doe so , Well said the Gentleman , I will trie you for once , and so went his way without giving him any thing ; with which bitter jest the Souldier being netled , reevil'd him abundantly . Of a short Memory . MAny good fellowes meeting in a Taverne to drinke and bee merry ; one of the company refused to pledge a health , swearing by no small ones that hee would leave off drinking , because it made him have a short memory ; whereat another laughed , and swore he would drinke on , in that it made him have a long Memory ; for said hee , since I plai'd the good fellow I am a yeare in remembring that which before I cal'd to mind presently . Of a Foole. A Naturall Foole who served a German Emperour was commanded by his Lord to give the Duke of Saxon his hand , which the Foole forthwith did , but gave him his left ; for which the Emperour rebuked him , and told him hee must give the Duke his right hand : O fie , said the Foole , that were a shamelesse thing indeed , to give a mightie Prince that hand which I wipe my britch with every day . Of a Fellow having two Wives . A Souldier in the Netherlands having a Wife , and Children , & being very poore , gave them the slip and went into Pollo●ia ; where it was his evill fortune in the street to kill the Majors sonne of the towne where hee was quarterd ; for which fact being condemned to die , A maid seeing him passe by her window to exe●ution , fell in love with him , and demanded him in marriage , and laid claime to the custome of the Countrey that way . The Major could not denie her , and the Delinquent loved his life , and his new spowse too well to confesse he had another wife else-where . Well , they lived a while very lovingly , and happily together ; but at length the Souldiers Conscience began to accuse him of the wrōg done his first Love : and hee stole away from his second without taking leave , and away back into his Countrey he hasteth . Shee dearely loving him had him in chase , and hearing still he was not far before her , arriv'd in the Low-Countreys not long after him : Where being come , she challenged him for her husband , and his first wife detaining him , they had a triall at Law whose he should be . The Lawyers who pleaded for his wife said , hee was hers during life , True , said the Advocats for the second , but that life was forfeit by Law , & now he is ours : The Judge being at a stand to which of them hee truly belonged , bad the Souldier take his choice . He looking on them with a loving eye , said hee would have both . The Judge answered , he was not able to maintaine them both , to which he thus replied . Sir , I alwayes keepe a maide , and they shall draw cuts who shall be my wife the first weeke , and she to whom the chance falls , shall have the other for her maid that weeke , and the other shall have her for her maid the next . Of a fellow in a Tempest . A Fellow and his Wife being at Sea , and a Tempest arising , the Master of the Ship commanded every man to cast over what he had heavy ; wherupon the Fellow threw over his wife , swearing that nothing in this world lay so heavy upon him . Of a red-headed Host , and his more red-headed Guest . A Guest with a head and a beard fire red , gave to a red-headed Hoste twenty Crownes to keepe , but hee redemanded them within halfe an houre after , whom the Host asked the reason of his so sudden a comming for his money againe ; to whom he answered , that his red head was the cause : Why said the Host , your head is redder then mine ; I marry , repli'd the other , that makes me judge of you by my selfe . Of a red-headed Chymney-Sweeper . A Red-headed Chymney-Sweeper having swept a Chymney from the very bottome to the top , thrust out his head into the open aire , which the people underneath espying , cri'd out , fire fire : mistaking , as easily they might , the one for the other . Of one in danger of arresting . A Gentleman passing thorough St. Nicholas shambles , his cloak by chance caught hold of a Butchers flesh-hooke , and he being in danger of Arest , thinking it was a Serjant that had him by the cloake , left it behind him , and ranne away as hard as he could drive . The more the people cryed to him to come backe , the faster still hee ranne , suspecting it to bee a meere tricke of polisie to catch him . An Epitaph upon on who died of the French-Poxe . HEre lies an old , and pockie Knave . Fit for a Dunghill , not a Grave . He did consist of Coughs , and Rhumes : Of all Diseases , all bad Fumes . His flesh , the Poxe , did surely wast it , ' Cause the Wormes , should never tast it . For 't was so leaprous , and so foule , That it infected , had a Soule ; A Soule that without question 't is , No body would have lodg'd ▪ but his : And now t' is gone , and God knowes whither , But God grant mine , may nere come thither . Of two Sects of Philosophers , the Hennists , and Eggists . A Merry companion used in all companies where hee came to mention of two Sects of Philosophers , the Hennists , and the Eggists ; the first of which held that the Hen was before the Egge , the latter , that the Egge was before the Hen. and I have heard him sweare that in all places he found more Eggists then Hennists . Of taking the Wall. TWo meeting in the street , one of them being fox't , bad the other give him the Wall , To whom the other thus repli'd ; I have not beene sober at this time of day these seven yeeres , wherefore it is a wonder you find mee so now : but to morrow , if you will meet me at the same houre I will bee as drunke as you are now , and then you shall not have the wall , but for this time I give it you . Of Baboones . TWo Baboones being to be seene at a house by Fleet-bridge , many resorted thither , and some laugh'd at their uglinesse , and the strange faces they made ; whom a woman there present not without great anger , sharply thus rebuk'd . Doe you well , thinke you to laugh at strangers , who understand not your language ? If you were in their countrey , you would take it for a great abuse if they should laugh at you . Of a Glutton . A Glutton being at a feast , and devouring more then all the other guests joyn'd together , one at the table marking his eager feeding , said to him ; Sir , you have , God be thanked , a very good stomack , and I make no doubt but where ere you live you pay dearly for your food , and to ease you of that charge , if it shall please you to goe home with mee , I will give your diet for your dunge . Of the Duke of Lerma . THe Duke of Lerma in Spaine used still in way of Magnificency and State , when he wash't before a meale , to give a Ring to him that held the Bason , and another to him that held the Ewre . One dinner amongst the rest , having on his finger a Diamond of great value , hee made this publicke proposition , that hee of that company who could make the saddest relation of his importunitie in love should have the Ring . Wherupon a Gentleman there present tooke him at his offer , & thus begā . May it pleas your Grace to uuderstand that I a long time served two Mistresses , a faire , & a foule , a sweet Lady , and forlorn despaire ; for she whom I infinitely loved , hated mee as much . At length being utterly uoid of all hope of comfort , I gave my selfe wholy over to sorrow and solitude , who delivered me to a violent Feavor , which ( as the Physitiās ) told my friend could not end but by my death , my cruell faire one loving mee ( though for some ends she had long conce●ld that soft passion ) and hearing to what weaknesse I was reduc't , came to visit mee , and smothering no longer her flame , professed how violently shee affected mee , and how sorry she was her coynesse had brought mee to that extremitie . No Cordiall could so revive my Spirits , neither Julip so allay my unnaturall heat , as did her mellifluous words . So that in a short time I recovered my strength ; when her father hearing of our love , and vowed to crosse it , lock't her up from my sight , but finding , that doe what hee could , wee privatly conveighed messages to one another , hee animated another sutor of hers to fight with me , knowing no hatred to equall that of a Rivall . To bee briefe , wee fought , and I kil'd him , and ( the Law against Duels being severely executed ) I fled my countrey , hoping in time my friends would procure my Pardon . And to make my misery compleat , in my absence the Father of my Mistresse , forced her by bitter usage to marry an old rotten Count his neighbour . Now if your Grace doe judge my calamitie can receive addition , and that my afflictions lay not claime to your Ring , as being the greatest humane nature can under-goe , you may bee pleased better to place it then on wtetched mee . Hee had no sooner ended his speech , but another thus began . Great Prince , I must begin my mournefull story where this Gentleman ends his . Hee receiving at once both a pardon for the murther , and a letter from his Mistresse to make hast into her imbraces , the Coūt her husbād being gone a long journey , hee desired mee to associate him in this pleasing journey , and I willingly yeelded to his invitation ; At length wee arrived at the old Counts Castle , where his Mistresse met him with the same joy & gladnesse with which the Spring welcomes the Sunne . Long did their Kisses interrupt their speech , which at length brake out into unfained protestations how much their past miseries had endear'd each to other : When they had chatted their f●ll , to Supper wee went , which finish'd a banquet succeeded for varietie of tast , and lovelinesse of colour , second to none that ever ravisht the pallat or the eye . This ended , one comes in and rounds the Countesse in the eare ; whereat she changed colour , and cried out shee was undone for ever , unlesse I did her that friendly office , which should engage her to mee during life . To this I answered , I earnestly desir'd to receive that greatest Honour of dying in her service : whereupon shee told me that the old Count her husband was come home , and newly gone to bed , being very weary , & expected her cōming . Now Sir , said shee , so it stands with mee that I dare not trust any of my maides with a secret , because none of my house know of my servants being here but you and my fairest sister . May it please you therefore about an houre hence to put on one of my Coives , and one of my Smocks , and to go to bed to my husband , who I beleeve will bee asleepe before you come ; if hee be not , all hee will doe to you will bee to stroke your cheekes , and kisse you ; for any other dalliance you need not feare him . Your Chin is smooth , and he will assuredly , not onely take you for a woman , but for mee . Thus shall I , and my deare servant owe the fruition of all loves delights to you alone . Well , I was not onely attentive , but obedient to her request , and into the supposed bed of the old Count I went , where I was no sooner laid but I heard him breath , and felt him stirre , and move towards mee , whereat ( my heart being oppressed with the feare of his loathsom touch ) I shrunke halfe out of the bed , and so lay all night . Towards morning I prepared to be gone , when on a suddaine my friend , and the Countesse came dancing into the chamber he in his shirt , and shee in her smocke , my sovle being at the instant divided betweene feare of being detected , and wonder at their daring , they came to the bed side , holding each of them a ●apour in their hand , & drawing the curtaines , shewed mee the lamentable errovr I had layen in all night , in taking her beautifull Sister ( the fairest of her sexe ) for the old Count her Husband . Truely worthy Prince , when with admiration I beheld her beauty ! and considered the losse of such an oppertunity , I could hardly refrain from laying violent hands on my selfe . For my friend , hee obtained the wished end , of love ; enjoying , but I was once unwittingly neare possession of all those sweets : which now are more , and more remote from mee , so that I must give my selfe wholy over into the Tyranny of restlesse desire , whose fierce flames will consume me to a cinder . His speech comming to a period , the Duke sayd , they both had deserved much , but the yong Lady the Counts sister should have the Ring , because she was so neare a good turne , and mist it . This sentence of his was applauded , not without laughter by al the company . Of a foolish Moun-siere . MOunsiere Vandosme of France desiring ( as generally all of that Nation doe ) to drinke his Wine coole , set his bottles in the bucket , and let them downe into the well , and comming some few houres after to draw them up , espied his image in the water , whereupon hee ran in for his sword , swearing that the Antipodes were drinking up his wine . Of the same Mounsiere . THE same Moun-siere bought him foure ambling horses to make his Coach goe easie . Of the same Moun-siere . HEe shewing one day to a Gentleman a friend of his a pure water running from a cock , the Gentleman askt him from whence that water came ; whereat he laughed extreamely ; and being demanded the reasō of his immoderate laughter , hee answered , This simple Gentleman asketh mee whence this water comes , though hee plainley sees it come out the hole of the cock . Of the same Mounsiere . HEe having new bread at his table , sent for his Baker , and beat him because hee bak'd him not stale bread . Of a Poet. A Learned Poet being ask'd what difference there was betweene a water Poet , and a land Poet , answered , the same difference there is betweene a Schollar , and a Sculler . Of Poets in generall . ONe complaining of the poverty of Poets , another of the company made this observation that whē K. James came once to stampe his peeces with the Lawrell , hee fell two shillings in the pound ; for before were the peeces of two and twenty shillings . Of Purgatory . THe Pope gave a Priest a silver bason , and indued it with this vertue that who ever dropt a French crowne into it , or to that vallue his friends soule should instantly upon the sound of it be delivered out of Purgatory . There was in the Towne where the Priest dwelt a madd deboist young fellow whose Uncle had left him very rich . To him this Priest came , and offer'd him that for a french crowne to free his Uncles soule from Purgatory . The young fellow said it was a resonable proposition , whereupon hee presently tooke out a crowne , and dropt it in his Bason , and withall asked the Priest if hee thought his Uncles soule was yet out of Purgatory , to whom the Priest answered , I uppon my life I dare warrant it freed , which words he had no sooner sayd , but the young man tooke up his mony againe , and put it in his pocket , wherat the Priest being much displeased , sayd , If you take your mony againe your Uncles soule will againe enter Purgatorie : Nay , answered the young fellow there is no feare of that , for if my Uncle bee as obstinate an old knave dead as hee was living , if he bee once out all the Divells in hell cannot get him in againe . Of an Offering at a Wedding . A Gentleman being invited to an offering , when hee came to the Bason , offered a peece , and put it up againe , to whom the Church-warden said ; Sir , you have given nothing ; neither will I , replied the Gentleman , for I was not invited to a Giving , but an Offering . Of one who in a short time get a great estate by seaven Wives . A Citizen of London being borne in Essex in the hundreds , a most unhealthfull place , yet not to him , because he was bred up there , married a rich wife and carried her thither ; who quickly there died . And finding this a speedy way to get an estate , married sixe more in the space of two yeeres , and buried them all there . Of a Hare . KIng James loving Hunting extreamely , went out in a great flood , though halfe despairing to finde an Hare ; 〈…〉 to him in post hast , and told him hee had found , whereat the Kin●●●ughed , and said , in my 〈◊〉 thou hast found a 〈◊〉 . Of Sallets . ONe asking at a Lords table , who first ▪ invented Sallets , another answer'd that Nabuchadnezar ( was the first ; for he having a long time beene a beast , and having ●ed on hearbes , when he came to be a man againe delighted still in the eating of Sallets , which was his former food . Of drinking with herbes . A Fellow was so accustomed to drinke Burnet , 〈◊〉 , and Burage in his Wine all the Summer , that when Winter came , when hee could procure no herbes , he could not drinke without putting a greene Ribben into the Glasse . Of drinking with an Orange peele . ONe was so used to drinke with an Orange peele squee'zd through a candle , that when hee could get none , hee used to take sneezing powder , and sneezed through the light . Of a new Papist . A Young Gentleman being newly turned Papist , being invited to Supper had the legge of a Woodcocke in his mouth , when on a sudden a scoffing fellow told him he did ill to eat flesh on that day , because it was Notinghame Faire eve . Hee having spit the peece of woodcock out of his mouth , thanked the other for his admonition , swearing he would not for a thousand pounds have eaten a bit of flesh that night . Of a Taylors Bill . A Taylor who worked to an Usurer , yet stood boūd to him for money , brought him an unreasonable Bill , for which he vow'd to be reveng'd . The Bond wherin the Taylour was bound ●● the Usurer being due , the Taylor came to entreate further day , and that hee might continue it upon the old Bond , to whom the Usurer said , Lord that you should entreat when you may command ; whereupon the Taylor departed well contented houlding his sute granted . But not long after hee heard that the Usurer had sued him to an out-lary , wherewith being much incensed hee came to the Usurer , and asked him why he had dealt so dishonestly by him , to whom he sayd , I did it onely to shew you the difference betweene a Taylors and a Lawyrs bill . Of loosing eares . ONe lying in prison ( judged to lose his eares ) was visited by certaine friends of his 3 or 4 daies before he was to suffer . The visitants fell into a dispute concerning the losse of eares one maintain'd that the excecutioner used to cutt the eare off by the root , the other affirmed that he used onely to cut off the tip , they grew so hot in this argumēt that they were like to fal together by the eares which the prisoner perceiving intreated them to be patient & told them he should bee able within a sevenight himselfe to resolve the doubt Of a Souldier . AN old Souldier lying very sicke , his Captaine loving him well commanded foure or five of his Company to wait on him , who knowing the sick man had alwaies twenty peeces about him in a privie pocket to burie him , being vexed he died not quickly ; agreed to coffin him , and to share his money . Hee being weake , and not able to resist , into the Coffin they put him , and away to Church they carry him , but by the way they met their Captaine ; who ask't them whom they carried : when the sicke fellow hearing his Captaines voice , cried out , Captaine , Captaine . The Captaine hearing a voice hee well knew come from the Coffin , he commaunded them to set it downe , and open it ; which they had no sooner done , but the sicke man said , Captaine , these rogues would have buried me quick for my money . Whereupon the Captaine lai'd them all by the heeles . Of a Welshman . A Welshman , and an Englishman were cracking whose countrey had the most fruitfull soile . The Englishman said there was a close in the Town where he was born , which bore so high grasse , that if a man threw a cudgell into it over-night , it would bee so hidden with grasse that hee should hardly find it the next day . Tush , said the Welshman , there is a close in the Towne where I was borne , into which if you put your horse overnight , you shal hardly find him in the morning . Of one who fear'd arresting . A Gentleman who fear'd arresting lay with a Tapster in a beere-sellar foure or five nights , whither he invited a friend of his , who 〈◊〉 him bitterly for lodging in so base a place , to which reprehension he thus answered , My Cr●ditors have vowed they will have me if I be above ground , which made me get me under ground , thinking my selfe here secure . Of three Vniversities . THe Orator to the Universitie of Cambridge in a publick Oration ( praising a great Lords learning ) said hee was a walking Academy ; and to this land a third Universitie . Wherupon a wagge of the same Colledge with the Orator made this . As there are three blue ●ea●e● in a blue bladder , As there are thrice three rounds in a long ladder , As there are three ●ookes in a corner cap , And three corners , and one in a map , Even so , like all these , there are three Vniversities . Of a Play. THe Vniversitie of Oxford at a great entertainment they made Queene Elizabeth presented her Majestie with a Comedy wherein were represented the foure Elemēts . It hapned that in acting , hee who play'd Fire was out ; wherupon he who acted Water cal'd to Aire , and said , Aire , helpe Fire ; for he is out . Of Frigiditie . A Modest Gentlewoman being compelled by her mother to accuse her husband of Frigiditie , making her appearance in the Court , desired the Judge shee might have the priviledge to write her minde , in that shame forbad her by Tongue to expresse some passa●●s shee was to deliver . The Judge having granted her request , A Clearke forthwith presented her with Pen , Inke , and Paper . Whereupon she tooke the Pen ( without dipping it in the Inke ) and made as if shee would write ; to whom the Clearke said , Mistresse , there is no Inke in your Pen. Sir , repli'd shee , that is my case just , and therefore I need explaine my selfe no further . Of 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 s●ipwrack . A foolish fellow who had never beene at Sea before , hapned to be in a g●●●● s●orme , in which having 〈◊〉 a long time , at length by the violence of the wind they were driven on sho●● 〈…〉 this fool ●●joyci●g 〈…〉 cou●rage , my Masters , I thanke God we are now on ground . Of a young Seaman . A Young Seaman being at Sea in rough weather , and being extreame sicke told the Master of the Ship wherein he pass'd that if hee would not hold the Ship still while hee spew'd he would not pay him a penny for his passage . Of 〈…〉 . SIr 〈…〉 came to a Widdowe● house in the Countrey to whom shee presented 〈…〉 and 〈…〉 Cup of the same Beere , and said , Sir , I dare not commend the Beere to you ; for , indeed , it is dead : to which Sir Josllin repli'd , it may very well be ; for it vvas very vveake when I was here last . Of a Disputation betweene a Protestant and a Papist . BE●● a learned Protestant disputing , by Henry the fo●rth● co●●and in a Church vvith a great Bishop concerning I●●ges , the Bishop , pointing to the Images in the windowes , said to him . Beza , Beza , these windowes dispute against thee , to which Beza 〈◊〉 , Great Sir , your argument brittle as the glasse , and soone broken . Of Healths . A Dutch Ambassador to a Protestant Prince of Germany passed through Geneva , and invited to Supper all the Professors of Learning , and the best of the towne . But above all hee applied himselfe to Beza , as being a man famous for his brave parts . Being set at Supper he began in a great guilt Bole of Wine ▪ a Health to his Prince , and chose Beza for his pledger ; who answered , hee would doe him reason . The Ambassador dranke all off , but when it came to Beza ▪ hee onely sipt , and set by the 〈◊〉 Wherat the Ambssador being incensed sayd , Sir , you vnder-vallue my Prince , and doe mee wrong , in that you promised to pledge me , which Beza denying why , sayd the Ambassador , did not you promise to doe me reason ? I did so , repli'd Beza , but there is a distinction , I see , to be made betweene your doing reason , and mine , for yours lies in the bottome , and mine in the brimme . Of one in a storme . A Master of a shippe being in danger of ship-wracke fell downe before the Image of our blessed Lady , and sayd , Oh holy Virgin , deliuer me safe out of this storme , and I will place a waxe candle before thy Alter shall be as bigge as the mast of my shippe . Well he landed safe , and many weekes passed , but in all that time he spake not a word of the candle , which his Boson observing , said Maister , where is the candle as bigge as the mast of your shipp , that you promised to place before our blessed Ladies Altar ? O , said the Master , the case is altered , I am on land , I will make her be content with a little one now . This verifies the Italian proverbe ; The evill being past , the Saint is despised . Of a Sea Captaine , and an Vsurer . A Sea Captaine desired to borrow mony of an Usurer , who ask't him whether he were a land or a Sea Captaine , to which hee answered that hee ever imploied himselfe in Sea-service . Whereupon the Usurer entreated to bee excused if hee lent him no money ; for you , quoth hee , who can confine your selfe a whole yeare to the narrow compasse of a ship , will think your selfe at liberty when you are in a large prison . Of two who went to see two playes . TWo Gentlemen went to see Pericles acted , and one of them was moved with the calamities of that Prince that he wept , whereat the other laughed extreamely , Not long after the same couple went to see the Major of Qinborough , when he who jeered the other at Pericles now wept himselfe , to whom the other laughing , sayd , what the Divell should there bee in this merry play to make a man weep . O , replied the other , who can hold from weeping to see a Magistrate so abused ? The Jest will take those who have seene these two plaies . Of houshold stuffe . I heard once on the Bank-side a fellow cry , houshold stuffe , Sixe pence a peck , Sixe pence a peck , whereat I marveiling , asked the Crier , what houshold stuffe it might be that was sould by the peck ? to which he replied they were broken iron of divers sorts , as Keyes , Snuffers , locks ; &c. Of a Gentleman Arrested . A Gentleman being arrested and carried to a Taverne , that he might send for Baile , he called for wine and sugar , and having drunke three or foure glasses a peece , hee swore all the oaths of God that he had mingled mercury with the sugar , and that both he & they were poisoned . Wherwith they being frighted ran to the Apothecaries for an Antidote , while this lying cheat escaped . Of two Brothers . TWo Brothers of the Ins of Court had spent and paun'd so long that they had but one ●ute betweene them , so that they went abroad by ●ur●s Their father comming to town came about three in the afternoone to their chamber , and finding one of them a bed lash't him well favoredly with his wand , and bade him rise , but he lay still , wherat his father wondring ask't him why he did not rise , to whom he answered that if hee did rise his Brother must come to bedd ; for they had but one sute betweene them , at which replie of his the Father chafed and laughed by fits . Of a octour that disputed by Signes . A Certaine Emperour having condemned one of the Priuces of his bloud to die for Treason , yet set out a proclamation that if any man could be found who within a month could dispute with a Doctor of his by signes , so that the said Doctour could discouer his meaning that then the condemned Prince should bee acquitted . A poore foolish Groome of this distressed Prince , undertooke the taske , and being brought into the presēce of the Emperor , & his nobles he called for this famous Doctor ; who no sooner appeared but he held forth to this sot one finger , the foole held vp two to him , and hee againe three to the foole , then the fool shut his fist , wherat the Doctor amaz'd told the Emporor he had met at length with the onely learned man of the world ▪ for ▪ said he , I held vpone finger , which signified God the Father , then hee held vp two which Signified GOD the Father , and GOD the Sonne , then I held vp three to signifie GOD the Father , GOD the Son , and GOD the holy Ghost , at which he shut his fist , as much as to say , they are alone . When the foole came back to his Lord hee was asked by him in private his interpretation of the signes , to whom he thus answered . The whoresonne Doctor made one horne at me ; I made two at him , then he made three at mee , at which I knit my fist ; for if hee had made another at mee I would have taken him such a sowce that I would have made his head ring noone . Of two Drunkards . A Fellow being so drunke that hee was faine to bee carried on mens shoulders by chance espi'd two leading home another Drunkard , when bursting out into a great passion , hee said , O Jesus , is it not a shame , that men should bee so Drunke as to bee led : the beast not knowing that he himselfe was carried . 
A20519	----	Dobsons drie bobbes sonne and heire to Skoggin. Full of mirth and delightful recreation. 1607 Approx. 206 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 55 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2009-03 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A20519 STC 6930 ESTC S113611 99848843 99848843 13960 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A20519) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 13960) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1475-1640 ; 643:13) Dobsons drie bobbes sonne and heire to Skoggin. Full of mirth and delightful recreation. Dobson, George, attributed name. [112] p. Printed by Valentine Simmes, London : 1607. Attributed to George Dobson. Signatures: A-O⁴ (-A1, O4). Reproduction of the original in the Folger Shakespeare Library. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. Gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. EEBO-TCP is a partnership between the Universities of Michigan and Oxford and the publisher ProQuest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by ProQuest via their Early English Books Online (EEBO) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). 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Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng Dobson, George -- Early works to 1800. English wit and humor -- Early works to 1800. Durham(England) -- Fiction -- Early works to 1800. 2006-09 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2006-10 Apex CoVantage Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2008-05 Mona Logarbo Sampled and proofread 2008-05 Mona Logarbo Text and markup reviewed and edited 2008-09 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion DOBSONS Drie BOBBES : Sonne and Heire to Skoggin . Full of mirth and delightful recreation . LONDON Printedby VALENTINE SIMMES 1607. ❧ To the Reader . THere is nothing more delightfull than mirthfull recreation , which I doubt not but whosoeuer shall peruse this small Treatise , will be sufficientlie satisfied : It is like vnto a Garden wherein each humour may haue his seuerall walke priuate and vntrequented ( as yet ) of any Passengers . It is no forraine translation , but a home-bred subiect , nor dooth hee desire anie other thing than his patrimony , which is , as being the eldest sonne of Skoggin , to be esteemed for no Changeling , onely by how much the propertie of his father was fitte to be altred , hee hath by so much , in the quantitie of his time reformed : he is to auntient men mirth , to the middle age profite , and to youth nurture , pregnant witte : To conclude , hee is George Dobson , whose pleasant meriments are worthy to be registred among the famous Recordes of the ieasting Worthies : yea ▪ hee hath proceeded farther in degree than Garagantua , Howleglasse , Tiell , Skoggin , olde Hobson , or Cocle : Hee hath put himselfe to the publique view of all men , and desireth to beare you company to your priuate Studies , where when your leasure doth permit you , his presence may delight you . And so I bid you heartily farewell . The Table . HOw sir Thomas Pentley adopted George Dobson for his sonne . Chap. 1. How George Dobson was put to the Schoole . 2 ▪ How the boyes of the Schoole caused George Dobson to be whipt for their fault . 3. How Dobson reuenged the quarrell of his friend vpon the vsurer . 4. How Dobson deceiued his friend Raikebaines of a pudding , and how he shut him vppe in the candle cupboord . 5. How Dobson reuenged himselfe vpon his vncle . 6. How Dobson caused his vncles horse to be impownded , because hee denied to let him goe with him into the countrey . 7. How Dobson brewed Ale for his vncle . 8. How Dobson furnished himselfe of a sute of apparrell : and how he vsed his Schoole-fellow . 9. How Dobson tooke vppon him a Gentlemans estate : and how hee caused the Ale-wife of Wittan to come before the Commissarie . 10. How Dobson stole a Goose and roasted her . 11. How Dobson deuised a Holy day , and endangered his fellowes a whipping . 12. Of Dobsons entertainement at Cambridge : and of his disputes there kept in the publike Schooles . 13. Of Dobsons second dispute against the Kentishmen : of his abuse of them : and of his sending to Bocardo . 14 How Dobson kept his third dispute in publike Schooles against one Malgrado , a fellow student of Christs Colledge , and of his expelling the Vniuersitie . 15. Howe Dobson became an Oastler and a seruingman , howe he beate his Mistris for the loue of her maide , and how he should haue hanged for riding away with his Maisters horse , and of his end . 16 DOBSONS DRIE BOBS . ¶ How sir Thomas Pentley adopted George Dobson for his sonne . Chap. 1. IN the Cittie of Durham was sometime resident , one sir Thomas Pentley , a Priest , instituted after the olde order vsed in Quéene Maries dayes , who for his exquisite skil in musicke , was admitted to be a Canonist in the Cathedrall church of Durham : and for he was also otherwise supposed learned , and a man of modest life , he was beneficed besides with the vicarage of Saint Giles in the same towne : by reason whereof he waxed very rich , and a great pennie father , liuing alwayes vnmarried , and kéeping no houshold or retinue about him , saue onely one of his sisters , whose husband dying , he tooke home to be his huswife : after that there was a dissolution made of their Cloyster , and that it was thought fit for men , rather to liue at their owne choice , than at others appoyntment , graunting all that would , liberty to take wiues , and they whose stomacke stoode against that estate of matrimony , to dispose of themselues as to them séemed good and most correspondent to their liking . This sir Thomas , in time , séeing his money to increase , and his wealth to abound , resolued with himselfe , since hée was determined neuer to take wife , whereby to haue children , vnto whome he might leaue this his aboundaunce and riches ( I say ) resolued with himselfe , to dispose of it in some good sort during his life time , lest otherwise his friends , after his death , should goe together by the eares in diuiding the stake . Therefore he beganne , by little and little , to play the good fellow , causing his sister , who was both Cooke and Cater , to prouide him good and plenteous fare , inuiting also his neighbours and others his acquaintances to dine and to suppe with him : especially vppon solempne feastes , as Christmasse , and Easter , he kept open house , and gaue good and bounteous entertainement vnto all that would come . And so prodigally hée spent , as in the end his huswife beganne to repine at his large hospitality , perswading her selfe , that if he continued this course long , it would be but a very little that would fall in diuidence to his friendes after his death , and therefore shée thought euery way as good to take part with him , as to exspect that which the cat leaueth in the mault . Whereupon she sent to her other sister dwelling in the country , who was maried to one Ieffrey Dobson , certifying her of their brothers vnthriftinesse , withall , admonishing her to make a spéedy repaire vnto the cittie , and with her to bring her husband , children , and family to make their abode , dwelling , and stay with sir Thomas : For otherwise , if shée omitted that opportunitie , it was a very probable matter , that her share of his goods would be very slender , and farre short of her exspectation , for our brother , saieth she , is fallen into such an humour of spending , that his yéerely reuenewes will scarcely dischardge his yéerely expence . Hir sister at this newes became as pale as ashes , and sore she feared that all would be gone before she could get her family remooued to the towne . And as though sir Thomas had béene already dead , and the executors gone away with all the goodes , shée ranne to the fields , where her husband was at the plow , to make knowne vnto him what message her sister had sent her . The good man who had taken her to wife , more in regarde of that benefit hée hoped to reape by her after sir Thomas his death , than any other respect , made no lesse haste to be remoouing , than she desired : and so foorthwith loosing his oxen foorth of their teame , commaunding his men to goe home and thresh foorth all his corne presently , and his wife to packe vp all her houshold stuffe and napery against the next morning , himselfe went forth presently to a neighbours house néere by , and let to him the lease of his farme : and comming home that night , his wife hauing dispatched euery thing according to his commandement , he conueyed his stuffe , so much as he thought néedefull , to the citie of Durham next morning , carrying with him his wife and children , whome he brought with him to the vicarage of S. Giles , at the very instant when sir Thomas was set to dinner , but newly come home from the Minster , where ( according to his custome , hée had béene helping to sing diuine Seruice . Whiles sir Thomas was eagerly caruing such meates as were set vpon the table , his appetite being very sharpe , he sodainely heard a great rushing and noyse of cartes , rattling vpon the stones within the court , and maruelling whence such noyse should come , if it were not there , and what occasion any had to be there , he could not coniecture , sith himselfe had no vse for any at all , neither did he know of any that had businesse there to doe , more than halfe misdoubting his hearing , he started foorthwith from the table , and looking foorth at his windowe , he did beholde his court full of cartes , loaden with tables , cupbords , beddes , and such like housholde stuffe , at which sight he was not alittle amazed , fearing that the Bishop had endowed some other with the benefice of that vicarige , meaning to depriue him , and that the cartes and stuffe appeared to be the new parsons : yet he no lesse maruelled why the Bishop should so do , considering that hée no way ill deserued , either committed any thing whereby to incurre the Bishops displeasure . Also , if this his supposall were true , hée thought it strange and vncharitable dealing , that hée should in such maner be excluded , without either admonishment or notice giuen to prouide for himselfe . But presently , as he stoode there diuersly distracted , with these doubtfull thoughts , he was aduertized by his houskéeper , who had inquired the matter of the Carters , that the stuffe was his sister Dobsons , who with her husband and children she sayd , was come to make her remaine and dwelling there with him , and who , as shée was making this report , came in at the gate , her husband and children with her . But sir Thomas not alitle estranging at the newes , backened to the Carremen to stay the vnloading of their cartes , till he came foorth to méete his sister at the doores , of whome demanding the cause of her comming after such a sort , hée was informed of his house kéepers embassage sent to her , wherewith he was verie much offended , causing them all to come into the house and dine : with good and faire spéeches hée intreated her to returne to her owne home againe , with assured promise that hée would prouide sufficiently for her , and the residue of his friendes : and for the better security thereof , because that imprudently they had leased away their Farme , hée presently gaue to her husband the moytie of a tithe he held amounting to tenne poundes a yéere , vntil such time as their owne Farme should fall vnto them againe : and also hée tooke from them their eldest sonne , George Dobson , whome hée adopted for his owne , and brought vppe at Schoole in Durham , to whose course of life and merry ieasts , wée will direct the tract ensuing , licencing his mother well contented with her brothers beneuolence , to returne to the countrey againe with her husband , and other children . NOw is George Dobson taken from his mothers lappe , and left to the care and prouidence of his vnckle sir Thomas , who perceiuing his disposition knauish , thought good in time to hoope him in before hée fell to licking : and knowing , that while the twigge is yong and tender , it is also flexible , to kéepe him from other waggish turns , hée iudged it the best course to set him to the Schooles : and in regarde himselfe vsed to goe twice euery day vnto the Minster , hée could not so well attend him , as his wildnesse required : and fearing againe , that his foolish loue towardes him might induce him to forbeare correction when hée well deserued the same , and the neglect thereof was a certaine meane for euer to vndoe him , hée rather determined to send him to the Church of Saint Nicholas amongst other little children of the Cittie , where hée had not béene thrée dayes , but hée falling at variance with a Merchants sonne of the same towne that was his schoole fellow , he burst his lanthorne booke all to péeces , and the boyes forehead was so sore , that the blood ranne about his eares , neyther could they stay it , but conducted him home to his mother , who when shee sawe the blood of her little sonne , shée well-néere fell into a sowne , and had suncke to the earth , if shée had not béene supported by her husband , who after hee had well viewed it , assured her that the boy was nothing the worse , and then sending for a Surgeon , caused him to stay the bléeding , and to plaister the sore : but albeit there was hope of amendment , yet when the mother knew after what manner it was done , shée bitterly raged against poore Dobson , causing , not onely his Schoole maister seuerely to correct him , but attending sir Thomas his comming from the Cathedrall Church , who was to passe by her shoppe , shée made a grieuous complaint to him against his Nephew , bringing her sonne to the view , and shewed him the greatnesse of the sore , and after a womans manner , whose anger is implacable , and whose reuenge is measurelesse , she tolde sir Thomas , that vnlesse he did punish his nephew for the fact , shee would haue him debarred of comming any more to schoole there , either the maister , if he receiued him , she would haue extruded from his place . Sir Thomas in good spéeches praying her to be satisfied , promised to performe her desire , and if shée mistrusted his word , if so it séemed good to her , hée offered to giue him the lawe in her presence . But she told him , no , that he should not , for she nothing doubted the fulfilling of his promise , and that shée did not seeke his affliction by way of reuenge , but that he might thereby be warned and deterred from doing so any more , and so séemed to request him to doe it discreetely and without bitternesse : sir Thomas made few more replies , but made haste home to welcome his new guest with the whippe : and though he were sory for the childes hurt , yet hée could not but laugh in his minde , at the knauery of his Nephew , and the chollericke stomacke of the Merchants wife , poore Dobson nothing at all thinking of further conflictes , lamenting onely the breaking of his booke , for which hée not a little sorrowed what answere to make to his vncle : to lie , he estéemed it the worst course that could be , for hée knew his vnckle would sift foorth the trueth , and if hée should be taken with a false report , he was assured to be purged thereof with no lesse than with the best bloud in his breath : so , not able to bethinke himselfe of a reasonable excuse , hée wept no lesse than for his beating receiued at his Maisters handes , exspecting a sharper penaunce . His maister obseruing him still to continue in teares , demanded of him why he further wept , to whom he bewrayed his feares , and the cause thereof . His Maister mooued to compassionate his case , and déeming it iniustice to haue him two times punished for one offence , he sent for alittle glew , repayred his booke , and writ to his vnckle all the circumstaunces of what had happened , defiring him to remit vnto him this first little delict , and to content himselfe with such punishment as he already had inflicted vpon him . Dobson humbly thanking his Maister for this vnlooked for benignitie , as blithe as Bird on briar , posteth home with his warrant in his pocket , but hée was no sooner entred into the Hall , and had broken a curtesie to his vnckle while he did espie vppon the Table hollie wandes in water , colde cates , God wote , to stay his emptie stomacke withall . His vnckle taking one of them into his hand , sayde : Now good sir , where haue you bestowed your selfe this day , that you stay so late abroade ? Good vnckle , replied Dobson with a sober and demure countenaunce , casting his eyes vpon the ground , I haue béene at the Schoole . Haue you so ? sayeth sir Thomas ▪ I pray then le ts sée your booke , and how much you haue learned all this day ? With that poore Dobson breathed foorth a pitteous sigh , and with a pensiue heart and trembling hands hée pulled his patched booke foorth of his pocket , at which sight his vnckle not able to containe himselfe from smiling , turning away that hée might not be perceiued , laughed a good space : afterward reflecting his lookes vpon his lamentable nephew , downe whose chéekes the teares streamed . My boy , sayde hée , I pray thée , who hath made thée a Joyner ? mée thinkes thou hast taken thy booke in sunder , and hast made it to stand vppon ioynts , whereas in the morning it appeared vnto mée to be all one péece ▪ without chincke , ioynt , or member , otherwise my sight deceiued me : then Dobson prostrating himselfe , humbly prayed his vnckle of pardon , and made true relation of the conflict passed betwixt him and his fellow , and that whatsoeuer he had doone , it was in his owne defence , adding moreouer , that his Maister had already giuen him due punishment for his trespasse , and therewithall hée pulled foorth his Maisters note , and deliuered it to his vnckle , the subiect whereof agréed wholly with his reporte , and had vndoubtedly procured his pardon , if hée had not remembred his promise before made to the Merchaunts wife , whereupon hée caused poore Dobson to vntrusse , and to offer his bréech to the blocke , which hée soundly lashed , and the next morrow carrying him vnto the Merchants wife , caused him to aske both her and her sonne forgiuenesse , who pardoning him , hée was sent agayne to the Schoole , with charge to kéepe the peace with his fellows , lest he drunke of the whippe againe . ¶ How the Boyes of the Schoole caused George Dobson to be whipped for their fault . Chap. III. THus is George Dobson ( as you haue heard ) sent againe to the Schoole , where hée had not long continued but that hée precéeded the most part of his fellowes , who long before him had béene sent thither , to his vnckles great content and pleasure , who at all times warned him to beware of playing the wagge , and of quarrelling with his fellowes , threatning him , that if hée so ill carried himselfe , hée would for euer eiect and turne him out of the doores , whereas otherwise , if as a duetifull boy he would apply his books , and would also conforme himselfe to the disposition of his fellowes , and with them would liue in vnitie and concord , hée should not then want any manner of thing conuenient to his estate and calling , but that after his death hée would make him his sole heire , and possesse him of all his landes , leases , farmes , and hereditaments . The boy was very attentiue to his vnckles exhortations , and conceiued well , that such aduise and counsell much concerned his health and welfare , and therefore ( to his power ) hée put them in execution , behauing and demeaning himselfe very respectiuely , both in the presence of his vnckle , and abroad : euer standing in doubt , that if hée should committe any thing vnapproouable , that the same might come to his vnckles knowledge , and if so , he were then for euer vndone . But notwithstanding all his care , which was méere acquisi●e and not habituall , as affirmeth the olde Prouerb , That which is bred in the bone , will not foorth of the flesh : Naturam expellas furca licet vsque recurret . Hée must néedes goe whome the diuell driueth : and whose fortune it is to be strangled , certaine it is hée shall neuer drowne : So albeit George Dobson studied by all possible meanes to performe all his vnckles pleasures and commaundements , yet for his life hée could not accomplish them , so many blockes were set for him to stumble vpon , for naturally he was of a crabbed and vntoward disposition , and so rustike like , that he could not couer his clownish and wayward manners with the habite of ciuility , and in regard of his rude and ill fauoured gestures , antique trickes , and apish toyes , his Schoole-fellowes many times tooke occasion to deride , scorne , and laugh at him : whereof hée being very impatient , and not daring with clubbe and fist to reuenge it , lest thereby hée should procure his vnckles indignation , for excessiue griefe , anger and sorrow , he would wrinckle his browes , whet his téeth , and pull the haires from his head , which hée would scatter and throw abroad in franticke manner . And if it had not béene more for the feare hée had to loose his vnckles fauour , than the whipping hee assured himselfe would ensue the combate , the most part of them had felt the weight of his fists . But the respect of his vnckles loue and affection mooued him to beare so long , vntill his heart was like to breake with discontent . The boyes of the Citty playing vppon this aduantage , especially his Schoolefellowes , knowing him to be bred in the Countrey , banded themselues together , made no lesse to doe about him , than the other birds doe of the Owle at noone-time , if they catch her abroade in the wooddes ; they omitted no opportunitie to disgrace him , eyther by riming , or railing vpon him , and with euery other despite their waggish braines could deuise , they abused him : many times they would forge matters of disorder , thereby to incense their maister against him , yea and most times when themselues had committed the faultes woorthy of correction , they would thrust the blame vppon him . And although hée had euer wit enough to discharge and cléere himselfe of their accusations , by the inference of diuerse probabilities of the contrary : yet , because they were a multitude , and hée onely one , their testimony was allowed , and hée assuredly sustained the punishment , because the fact doone , and their witnesse improoued him , hée not being able in particular to conuict any of them of the offence . And in the winter éeuenings they enacted many a lewd stratageme about the shoppes in their way to the Schoole , as bursting glasen wind●wes , ouerthrowing Milke maides pailes , pulling downe stalles , and crushing out the linckes which were hung foorth to giue light to the Passengers in the streetes . And whensoeuer they were pursued by any of the persons house or family to whome these iniuries were done , they hadde decréed that some should betake themselues to flight , as accessary and guilty of the trespasse , and that some others shoulde abide , as nothing consenting to the act , and willingly should reueale and nominate the parties offending , which whosoeuer they were , onely Dobson was the man standered , though both innocent and ignorant , yet euer vpon the next morrowe , the lawe procéeded , the case was determined against him , and he was found guilty by the generall verdict of the Jury . And to conclude , hee vppon euery such occasion suffered alwayes the punishment that others had deserued : and these centriuings of his felows were so continuall , that they made him almost wearie of his life , and so desperate in the end , that he became in respect thereof , that he resolued rather than any further to tollerate this mis-vsage , either to runne his countrey , or to forsake his friendes and their company , eyther to set at naught his vnckles iniunctions , and as he coulde catch any of them alone , whose malice hée perceiued to be endlesse against him , to pay them their debts in a diuels name . Long hée rested doubtfull whether course to make choice of , and after much discusse and consideration , he conceiued , that to relinquish his vnckle and other his friendes in such a sort , were not his best booty , for one way hée should thereby depriue himselfe of all theyr kinde effection , and doe more domage and disgrace to them all , and his owne good name , than all their mischéeuous deuises could be able to effect . Because the rumor of his departure , spreading it selfe through all parts of the Towne , would make the people susped him accessary of some notorious trespasse done against his vnckle , and for feare of punishment so to haue exiled himselfe : either that his vnckle might be a shrewd and curious man , for strictly handling him , and that to auoyde his austerity and hard vsage , hée had thus put himselfe to flight , eyther of which conceits hée collected might be preiudiciall to them both . Againe , whither to runne or direct his course , he knew not , vnlesse it were home to his mother , who he was perswaded would returne him backe with a very vengeaunce . And then ( saide hée ) with what face can I looke vpon my vnckle , or any other person of my acquaintance ? And to goe to any other place , alas who will entertaine or receiue me , euery straunger will suppose the trueth , that I am runne from my friendes , and that therefore I am the more apt to doe the same from them , If I shall taste any asperitie or eagre vsage , this wil be their imagination of me , and heereuppon euery man wil be afraide to admit me into his house , and what then will ensue of me ? If not , either to starue , begge , or steale : so that this course , vpon these considerations , hée reiected , as in no case to be prosecuted . And for the other , to fall to fisty cuffes , to giue them as good as they broght , and to pay them home their loane , with vsurie , though his stomacke serued well thereto , and his desire to deale his almes amongst them in such a sort , was no lesse than to his dinner , yet he apprehended diuers inconueniences imminent thereupon to ensue , to wit , his Maisters rewarde , which could be no lesse worth than twenty lashes , at euery time hée should hazard for it , and the enmity of his fellowes , and the worst that they could doe vnto him besides he was to exspect . But both these two were in his cut already , and as a man would say , predestinate vnto him before either coate or shert . And therefore séeing it was his destiny , and a thing ineuitable , it was as good to haue some play for his money , he thought , as to giue it away gratis . But then to curbe this resolution came to his remembraunce , the losse of his vncles good-will and affection , if he should so violate his commaundement , and doe against his owne promise : nay , at his vnckles handes hée looked for no better than either vtter eiection , or the seuerest punishment he could inflict . What shall then poore Dobson determine to doe in the middest of so many extreames , neuer a one whereof hath any medium ? Alas poore soule saith he to himselfe , and is there no remedy , but either like a patient Asse I must applie my backe to support all the burdens of my contumelious fellowes scornes , derisions , abusings , and forgeries , together with my maisters mercilesse and vniust punishments , and the peoples vndeserued exclamations , or else néedes must I take me to my héeles , and ▪ so runne away , making my féete woorth twoo paire of handes , and my selfe guilty of some filthy crime , neuer so much as once thought vppon by me : or shall I stand vnto the matter , and turne againe like a man , and purchase my libertie , although with the expence of the dearest blood in my breath , and perhappes with the losse of my vncles fauour , who if hée weigh well my cause , or could vnderstand how I am forced thercunto , and that my reuenge is but equall and iust , hath no reason to be offended with me for such action . And certainely , of all other it is my most honourable decrée , neyther is hee so austere , sterne , or scarce of good nature , but that reason will perswade him , and for once I will attempt him : The other courses are not onely euilles , but ignominious , and where all are inconueniences , it is well allowed , that I make choice of the least in apparance : and heerewith hée settled his purpose , that the next time they occasioned him by any of their accustomd practises , or set any new snare wherein to catch him , he would hazard to hang some of them by the necke , if he could . Long it was not before they thus consulted against him : in the Citty neare vnto the gate called Chappell Barre , was dwelling a Haverdasher , who had a very faire wife , and as it was also reported , a merry disposed wench , a good companion among Gallants , when she could procure her husbands absence , eyther get a gossiping . All the crew of Venus attendants hearing tell of her beauty , witle , and good fellowship , repayred to hir company , supplicating for Loues trophées , and the spoyle of her honesty , whereof ( as the rumour went ) shee was no great niggard , yet amongst all the number , shée most affected a Butcher of the Citty , and her next neighbour , who the more to content her humour , continued in a Batchellors estate , though a man , of personage very proper , and much desired of a multitude of Maides in the cittie , who spared not ( so farre as modesty permitted ) to sollicite his loue . But hée reserued their exspectations , therewithall to applaude the contents of this gallant Dame , and she ( as it was generally coniectured ) vsed him with no lesse kindenesse than her husband , affoording to him all his desires as opportunities serued her therevnto : and so often as her husband had occasions to absent himselfe , by reason of his going to Faires and Markets and other like necessarie businesse in the Countrey , shée would giue intelligence thereof to the Butcher , who neuer failed to supply her defect in euery poynt , as if he had beene the Haberdasher : Their familiarity and acquaintance , at the length , grew so publike , that euery corner of the Citty was silled with the report thereof , and most men esteemed the Haberdasher frée merchant in Cuckolds rowe : But shée standing vpon the Pantophles of her honesty , thought scorne to be tolde that Buckes had hornes , or that Tauernes were taken open Innes , and therefore , so often as she was trodden vppon the toes , as diuers times in quarrels with her neighbours she was let to vnderstand how the verdite passed as concerning her honesty , shee would forsooth perswade her husband that it was a sufficient action to call such persons before the Chancellor of the Spiritualties , and eyther in the publique Court to prooue what they had slaundered her withall , or they failing therein , shoulde foorthwith bee constrayned to make her lawfull satisfaction for so iniurious costes and charges . And this she continually suggested her husband vnto , not vppon the knowledge of her innocency , but onely of purpose to cloude the poore cuckoldes eye-fight , and that vnder this pretext and chalenge , she might insinuate her selfe into her husbands good conceit , and the better cloake her knaueries : and by these glorious shewes and painted deuises , she so much preuailed with him , that he really beléeuing that she was a mirror of true modesty , and enuied onely by her neighbours , because she excéeded them in beauty , whereby he thought some iealousies they had lest she might allure from them their deuoted serui●ours and affected friends , he walked on forward like a snaile with a house on her head , who no sooner looketh forth , but her hornes are espyed , the poore foole therefore relying more confidence in his wifes flatteries , who notwithstanding all her brauadoes , would haue béene very loth that matters should haue come to the scanning : then his neighbours certaine and assured coniectures supposing his wife to be one of those innocent soules , who were inturiously slaundered and persecuted for her conscience sake , caused two honest matrons of the citty , the one a Draper , the other an Apothecaries wife , to be sommoned before she Commissary , and there , either to make good such scandalous and opprobrious spéeches , as lately in their fallings out they had taxed her with all : not being able to manifest the same , he desired the Commissary that they might be inioyned to aske his wife forgiuenes , in the Court , Church , and market , in part of satisfaction for her credite and good name , so depraued and brought in question . But alas poore man , he had forgot that the more the durt is stirred , the greater stinch it yéeldes , and that whereas before he was but suspected to be a cuckold , that now , if it were in their power to prooue it certaine , they would rather doe it , than hazard the penalty of the lawe : But he , I say , nothing mistrusting his wifes defence was very earnest in the master , and so hotly pressed them , as they could not auoyde him without their owne preiudice , vntill they made apparant by such instances , as his wife was not able to improoue , and themselues blushed to produce , that he was one of them to whome the bird in Maie sings the double note , cuckoo . So when the case was substantially discussed , and sentence to be giuen , the two matrons were discharged frée , and he confirmed a cuckold by the order of the Court. Héereupon such poeticall braines as were resident in the Citty , to whome intelligence was giuen of the circumstances , rymed vpon the Haberdashers fortune , and his wifes behauiour , the Schoole-boyes sung ballads thereof in euery stréete , and for nine dayes there was no talke in request , but to discourse how the Haberdasher was knighted . The waggish mates who were Dobsons fellow schollers set their heades together , deuising how they might procure him the blocke , which they did thinke might easily be effected , if they could contriue any pageant , whereby to bewray the Haberdashers disgrace , and impose it vpon him : for their maister was so much his friend , that he would not spare any of them to satisfie him for any offence by them committed to his dishonour , and so at last they concluded , some night , when the stréetes were at quiet , and none to disturbe them , they would fasten to the appendix ouer the Haberdashers doore a paire of bulls hornes , with a pageant betwixt them , wherein they caused to be painted a man in his shoppe selling hattes , and a Butcher in a parlour with his wife , his one arme folding and embrating her about the middle , and in his other hand he held a mastiffe dog in a string . Ouer their heads was hanging the similitude of a bird singing vpon a howthorne , and on his crest hée had curiously portrayed a redde and gréene bunch of feathers like a combe , foorth of the which sprowted a fayre paire of séemely hornes , of a branded colour . This they got set on by the helpe of a Smith of their acquaintance , and who bare some tooth against the poore Haberdasher , that so bolstered the head of his hammer , that it forced in the naile , without any noyse making : And vnderneath th● pageant they placed these few lines written in parchment as followeth , subscribing George Dobsons name thereunto . Who hattes is heere disposde to buy , These hornes to him such happe escry , That heere no hattes are to be solde , Vnlesse it be for some cuckolde . Such is the maister of this shoppe , Such shall they be that with him choppe Or change an olde hatte for a new , His bargaine he may happly rew . When on his browes are to be seene , Such hornes as these and them betweene : These glorious ensignes of a knight , Who perisht his weapons in a fight , Which he commenst against his wife , With whom he had a doubtfull strife : But she got victory on the morne , And reard these trophees vp in scorne , His feeble fight for to bewray , Who playd the coward , and ranne away : If he deny this to be true , The Chancery Rolles can to you shew . That he adiudged is to be , A cuckold of the best degree : And we as Heraults him assigne These armes , for now , and after time . Thus is he bounden to his frends , That to him such great fauour lends : But you ( good cuckold ) take your sleepe , The Butchers dog your doore doth keepe : And when you ride to Hexam faire , The maister will himselfe be there . And thus wishing all health to your hornes , I bid you good morrow , George Dobson . When these braue wagges had perfourmed all these their deuises , for that instant they went euery man his way home to bed ; on the next morrow , it being sunday , the Haberdasher and his family kept their beddes longer than on the wéeke dayes they had béene accustomed , not hauing any greater businesse to goe about before feruice time , than onely to make their maisters apparrell ready , and wearied with ouer-labouring themselues the wéeke precedent , they slept it out till halfe houre past seauen , all which time the doores being shutt , the signe of the horne gaue a glorious shew to the passengers that came by , whereof there was good store that morning , for it was at that instant the wéeke wherein the Assises were holden at Dunholme , and the Towne ( in regard thereof ) was full of strangers : no man passed by but hée surueighed the ignominy of the poore Haberdasher , reading the verses vnderset so many as could , others that had no skill in letters , got them perused by such as could , and as they vnderstoode the contents , euery man blessed his forehead from the Haberdasher and his hattes , laughing apace , and making good sporte at the conceit of the ieast . After a while , the last come of his apprentices , whose custome was to be first vp , and to make the fires , hearing such noise and concourse of people about the shop , came hastily rushing to the doores , and vnbolting the same , set them open , to sée what the stirre might be : but as the doores fell open , hée might easily perceiue the cause of such assembling of the people , and as one distracted with this sodaine aspect , he stoode amongst them as one who at the sight of Gorgons head had thereby béene transformed into a pillar of stone : the people laughed a good deale the more at his astonishment , whereby the poore boyes amazement and shame increased : but recollecting his spirits , he paced vp the staires to his maisters chamber , where he was in bed with his honest mistris , by whose carefull indeuour hée was promoted to the order of the forked knights , whose scutchion and coate armour is the bugle horne . The Haberdasher nothing lesse exspecting , was by his apprentice informed of all what was to be séene : at the relation whereof he leaped foorth of his bed , reaching to his sword , which hung besides him in the chamber , and casting onely his gowne about him , without any other clothes , hée ranne downe the staires , as a man newly bereft of his wittes , and infurious and most terrible manner assaulting the hornes , hée all to batterd and cut them from the doores , and tearing off the scrowle , he rent it into péeces : at which spectacle the people were ready to die with laughing . But the Haberdasher hauing got the field , and giuen his enemies the ouerthrow , not so much as bidding his neighbours good morrow , he returned againe into his house , so afflicted with shame and griefe , as all that day he coulde not acquiet himselfe , but fared vp and downe like a bedlam , exclaiming against his wife , and accursing the time wherein he came first acquainted with her , thus ( by her lewd and naughty carriage ) to become the scorne of the worlde : but shée with gentle and calme spéeches sought to temper his passions , praying him to pardon what was past , and shee would vow and promise for euer héereafter , to liue so soberly and so modestly , as hée should thinke himselfe sufficiently satisfied for hir former misdemeanour : and further also she perswaded him not to permitte so shamefull a disgrace to passe vnreuenged , and therefore shée mooued him to charge sir Thomas with the same before the Deane and Chapiter of the house , assuring him , that they would enforce him vppon his conscience to disclose so much as hée knew thereof , for ( sayde she ) albeit the boy be very waggish , and apt enough to execute so much knauery as he can bethinke , yet do I not perswade my selfe that he could inuent this , and hang it vp in such a sort , without the assistance of some more suttle braine than his owne , and therefore sir Thomas being accused thereof before his maisters , will eyther confesse the same vpon their iniunction and commaund , ( if he haue béene a factor therein : ) or otherwise , if he be ignorant , yet shall he be vrged ( for his owne discharge ) to constraine his nephue to vnfold the truth of the whole matter . The poore foole not considering that this course was still a meane to publish and divulge his further infamie , followed his wiues aduice , and waited his time without acquainting sir Thomas of his intent , he repaired to the Deane at such time , when hee and the residue of the prebends were assemblsd in their Chapter-house , to confer of certaine leases to be demised , and the reformation of some disorders in the Church-men : hée being admitted into the Chapter house , requested M. Deanes and their fauours , desiring that sir Thomas might bee called before them , that he might liberally disbursse his minde , and freely lay open his griefe withall , beseeching them that according to their accustomed sinceritie and pious considerations , they would grant him iustice against sir Thomas , so farre as the equitie of his cause might seem to require , which they promised to doe ; and sending for sir Thomas , who immediatly presented himselfe , they willed the Habberdasher to procéed with what hee had to say who amply related at large the setting vp of the hornes , with the scrowles annexed , and the shame hee sustained thereby , and adding , he sayd ; sir Thomas this was either properly your own act , or otherwise it was done by your direction , for vnto the scrole was subscribed the name of your nephew , George Dobson : and therefore good master Deane ( said he ) let sir Thomas be inioyned to shewe his purpose therein , and to make me amends , or I shall complaine vpon you all to higher powers , who I trust wil remedie my case , and afford mee law and iustice against you all , for the neglect of my satisfaction ; for you ought to instruct such ignorant people ( as my selfe ) not onely by good and wholesome doctrine , but also by the example of a holy and godly life , and it hath not béen heard of in any mans age , that euer any such abuse hath béen deuised by any of the Clergie , as this which hath béene practized vpon me : and therefore I sue to you M. Deane , and the rest of your brother-hood , that I , as I am publikely disgraced thereby , so at the next time of the Sessions , sir Thomas in the face of the Judges of Assises , and the people there assembled , shall confesse his misdoing , and vpon his knées shall aske me and my wife forgiuenesse , for certainely , I am perswaded , that albeit his Nephew séemeth to take it vnto him , yet can it be no other , then sir Thomas his deuise : for which ( I say ) if you doe not constraine him in this forme to satisfie mée , I shall speake shame of you all , & assure my selfe that you haue beene all thereunto assenting as much as he , and herewith in a great chafe he was ready to depart , without hearing of Sir Thomas his reply , either M. Deanes verdict , who laughed full heartily at the Habberdashers impatience , and his hot inuectiue made against sir Thomas . But dissembling it as much as possibly he could , couering his face with his gowne sléeue , hée intreated the Habberdashers placable audience , till sir Thomas had made answer to his obiection ; wherein if he did not fully discharge and acquit himselfe , he swore to him vpon his holinesse , that both sir Thomas , and his Nephew likewise should vndergoe , either that , or any other penance : notwithstanding ( said M. Deane ) that I could wish , you would admit of some other satisfaction more to your owne commoditie , and with more safe escape of your credit . For say that sir Thomas should performe all that you desire , yet if therebe any cause of probabilitie , that your wife hath faulted to you , though but in suspect amongst your neighbours , yet this action ministring occasion to strangers to make inquirie of the matter amongst their acquaintances in the towne , and shall therby vnderstand their censures and opinions , it will but make the infamie the more notorious , that he doth it vpon Iniunction , and feare lest that if he should refuse so to doe , he should be depriued of his Benefices and disgraded : others will coniecture , that he doth it the more to notifie your disgrace , and your wife 's ill demeanor , to the ende that she perceiuing her shame to be published , may be forced to correct her carriage ; for vnlesse my memorie do faile me , I vnderstand by the Chancelor of our spiritnallties , that too much hath béene proued against her . And if sir Thomas then should first acknowledge the setting vp of the said hornes which stuffeth this your stomake , and it can digest no better course but reuenge , and after that he hath made the same acknowledgement , shall reply and inferre , that hée hath done no more then hath béene prooued in open Court , to bée due to such dishonest dealings , and shall also adduce the same Testificants , that were witnesses against her in the Chancery , where will then your amends be had , shall not then your matter be worse then at the beginning ? , yea certainely . But howsoeuer , I am very willing that you haue iustice , and whatsoeuer penaltie the law will impose for so indigne an action if he cannot cleare himselfe hée shall abide it , but t is conuenientt we put him to his purgation , and heare what answere he can make , and turning his face toward sir Thomas , he thus framed his speach . I doe not a little meruaile , that you sir Thomas , should shew yourselfe so scarce of reason , or ciuilitie ; nay , so void of the feare of God and the respect of your function , and the good estimate of vs all , whose credites must needs be blemished , if you haue had a hand heerein , or meddled in such irreligious complots , to the vtter defamation of any person , with such hazzard of ther liues and soules . For if on the shame therof they had laid violent hands on them selues , desperately kild ech other , what a horrible sin had you béene guiltie of and attaint ? I grant it is your office , Vitia improbare , turpitudinem , redarguere , & fratrem peccantem admonere : but it is to be done Suauiter & sine amaritudine , and with Noahs blessed sonne we must rather take the mantle from our owne backs , to couer therewith our brothers nakednesse , then with wicked Cham , lay open our fathers shame to the view of the world ; which if we doe , we are to expect no better reward then was his , to wit , the malediction of our heauenly and celestiall father , and therefore without inference of many circumstances , if you be giltie I doe charge you vpon your conscience , Priest-hood , and the dutie you owe vnto God and our fellowship , in a word sincerely to confesse it , and if you be ignorant thereof or not assenting thereto , your oath shall suffice to satisfie both vs and this honest man ; and therewith he caused a booke to be caryed to sir Thomas , wherevppon he deposed as followeth : By the contents of this holy Bible , by the loue I owe vnto Almightie God , and by my obedience vnto this place and societie , vpon the integritie of my conscience , and the honor of my Priest-hood : I am innocent of euery paticular wherewith this man chargeth me , and this is the first time that euer I heard of it . And also I protest , that if my Nephew haue beene an Agent herein , I shall first giue him such punishment as he hath deserued , and after I shall exclude and renounce him for euer : and therewith he kissed the booke , and surrendred it againe . Whereat good-man Goose was cleane quatted , and not able to bring any further proofe , departed a more knowne cuckolde than before , and so continued all his life long . Sir Thomas being also dismissed from the Chapter house , could not be contented vntill he had further inquired of this matter , and so going to the schoole , he examined his nephew of the same , in the presence of his maister , and the schollers , of whome there were diuerse , which did euidence against him , both falsely , and vpon malice , especially they who were the principall offendors , as a Tanner and Painters sonnes , who faced him downe , that he bespoke them to prouide him of the signes which were set vp , and which they ( mistrusting no such matter ) affoorded him . But hereunto he answered with an vndaunted courage , that they iniuriously belyed him , and alledged so many reasons as his childish braine could propound to improoue their assertions , but no reason would excuse him , their testimony was alowed , and he sharpely beaten , which he not knowing how to auoyde , he tooke patiently for the time , yet he protested that he was not onlie innocent , but ignorant of the matter , and resolued , that séeing it was so , that it was all one with him , to be a thiefe , and to be but onely suspected , he altered his purpose as Ployden did the Case , reuenged his owne iniuries , without respect of either his vncles pleasures , or his maisters punishments , and so that day in their going home to dinner , hée dealt his beneuolence , and payed so soundly his false witnesses , that he caused them to sing miserere , and before his vncle to confesse the trueth of the matter , and their principall intent . Whereof his vncle much reioycing , and vnderstanding his innocencie , mooued them to declare the same before their maister , first taking his promise to pardon their offence : for ( saieth hée ) their acknowledgement shal frée them from punishment , which their master granting , they vnfolded euery circumstance , which he particularly related againe to maister Deane and the prebends , who much commending his nephew , willed sir Thomas to place him at the singing schoole , and promised , that so soone as he could kéepe any consort , or beare a part , they would benefice him in the Cathedrall . For which he humbly thanking them , departed home in great content and peace of minde . ¶ How Dobson reuenged the quarrell of his friend vpon the Vsher . Chap. 4. GEorge Dobson , euery day after this , so long as he continued at the reading schoole entred the lists , and fought the combate with some one or other of his fellowes , wherein fortune so much fauoured him , as shée alwayes graunted him victory , and hée brought them vnto such slauery and subiection , that howsoeuer he vsed them , complaine they durst not , vnlesse the hurt were so apparant as that it could not be couered from their maisters sight , neyther then vpon examination dared any of them taxe him therewith , vnlesse himselfe did confesse the matter , which hée alwayes did with such dexteritie , as he alwayes sufficiently discharged himselfe , and thrust the blame vpon the party iniuried , whereunto no man vsed any contradiction : and the maister , in respect hée had found foorth their practises against him in former time , the rather tooke his word , and the lesse beléeued them , whereby ensued to him a great deale of quiet : for they séeing him so stand to himselfe , man forth his owne matter , and the maister so much on his side , that it was not possible to separate him from his good conceiued opinion , by little and little they desisted from further abusing him , contenting themselues with onely laughing at him in secret . His vncle also became so hopefull of his well doing , that he likewise turned a deafe eare to all complaints that came against him , imagining that such were rather vrged of mallice , as in former times than vppon any desert , and so when as he could perfitly write and reade , hée remooued him thence to the singing schoole , where he profited so well , that in short time he was fit for a Choristers rowme , which to him was granted vpon the first motion made , the Deane himselfe installed him , and of his owne proper charge furnished him with gowne and surplesse , commaunding his vncle to reserue the benefit of his place for his preferment to the vniuersity of Cambridge or Oxford , when hée should be sufficient to be sent thither . His vncle no small man in regard Maister Deane so much respected his nephew , fitted him of euery thing conuenient to his estate , not permitting him to want any thing that the boy wold demaund or say was néedeful : and perceiuing his vncle so much to dote vpon him , he plaid the wagge with more libertie then before , and being growne vp to a good sturdy ladde , he first so handled the matter , that hée became captaine of Schooles , and so hampered the whole multitude as no man dared to offend him , but studied by all possible means to inuest themselues into his fauor and friendship , whereof they being possessed , thought themselues as sure as if they had béene shutt vp in Warke castel , for to his fauourites none presumed to offer iniury , or make complaint vpon them , neither the Vsher aduentured to punish for what offence soeuer ; but by his conniuency , so much he feared his displeasure , whereof he had vpon occasions tasted , and hauing béene once vnder him at shrift , hée found him so strict in the imposition of penaunce , that hée neuer desired afterward to vse him any more for a ghostly father , and the matter came thus to effect . There was in the schoole one Raikebanes , whom Dobson highly loued , and more estéemed of , than of all other fellowes , both in regard hée was borne in the country , and also for that his manners and conditions were more correspondent to his humour than any others in that place : This Raikebaines one day when hée supposed that they shold haue licence so pastime themselues in the fields , brought with him to the schoole his artillery , purposing to bestow that after noone in shooting , but his exspectations prooued frustrate , for their superior Maister Bromeley was at the same instant by his acquaintaunce inuited into the towne to a banquet , where he conceiuing to be longer detained from schoole than he could haue wished , referred to the vsher the whole charge thereof , taking with him onely Debson , because hée was a pleasantly disposed guest , and apt to incite laughing , as also hauing a tunable voyce to assist him , if his company called for a Song , the Vsher set in the top of his triumph , to manifest his authority , was so precise , that at no intreaty of gentlemen he would condescend to let the schollers goe abroad , notwithstanding diuers of good respect made sute for the same ▪ all of whom he shakd off with an absolute deniall ; but some of them scorning to be too importunate , either to haue him thinke that they respected to rest beholden to him for so simple a fauour , sent to master Bromeley himselfe , who willingly assented to their requests and dismissed the schollers , notwithstanding master Vsher his repugnancie to the contrary , and albeit that the day was farre gone before they were set at libertie , yet Raikebaines procured some of his best acquaintances to spend so much thereof as remained in shooting . And returning home towards night , in a valley betwixt the riuer and the wood , which banketh the riuer all alongst as it enuironeth the citty , he espied M. Vsher at his meditations , whose presence his stomacke was not able to digest for that hée had so peremptorily abridged them of that dayes recreation . And so speaking to his companions , by my trueth ( saith he ) I discouer a Woodcocke by the water side , and I could find in heart to pick his head to the bones , and giue my dogges his flesh , so doe I loue him , I would I were in France , vpon condition his nose were of equall sise with a natural woodcocks bill , I should make a commoditie of his picture , I am assured , if not of the reall substance : Well sir William , though I bée not of strength sufficient to deale with you at handy stroakes , and beat wit into your wooden head , yet my heart is good enough to hazzard with you at the speares point : and as Hercules , vnable with spéede of foot to ouertake the Centaure , running away with his fairest Deinira , sent a messenger to stay him till his comming ; so my selfe acknowledging my imbecillitie and weakenesse to dis-inable me to close with you in armes , will neuerthelesse fight afarre off , and dispatch my poste , by whose spéedy blast , you shall be let to vnderstand how dearly I affect you : and therewithall pulling an arrow from vnder his girdle , he sent it with a right good will , to bid sir William good Euensong , which lighting vppon the shirt of his gowne behinde , only feared him without any further harme . But hée turning about , and séeing from whence the flight was sent , set himselfe backe to méete them at the bridge foote , where making inquirie of the matter , the whole case was vnfolded and Rackebains attainted . The next morrow he complained to M. Bromley , and caused poore lames to be lashed , at which Dobson storming made no great exterior shewe , yet purposed in heart to take a condigne reuenge vpon sir William when opportunitie serued , which he performed within a short time after , as you shall heare . Sir William had a chamber néere to M. Deanes own lodging , and the fore-doore opening into the great yard , ( commonly called the Abbey garth , it had also a backe doore , by the which he might passe through M. Deanes kitchin garden into the Cathedrall , as also when it pleased him to take the benefite of the same , there hee might walke , or exercise any other recreation by M. Deanes licence , who for that he estéemed him a very honest yong man , and a painefull in schoole matters , authorised him to vse the easement thereof : in a corner of this Garden was built a house for M. Deane his Poultrie , where hée had alwayes great store féeding for his prouision , both Turkies , Capons , Fezants , and other of like sort . Dobson therefore vppon this iniury done to his friend , continually troubled his braine for reuenge , and after aduisements , he supposed he could no way so sufficiently come quit with him , as to deuise some meane whereby to procure him M. Deanes alienation of good will , and losse of good liking ; being therefore very intimate and familiar with the Boy that attended him in his chamber , hée was particularly informed of sir Williams whole course and demeanor , and of all the benefits of his lodging . Dohson then thinking that in respect sir William onely had accesse into this garden , that if he could drawe the boyes assent vnto the practise of any knauery , either in the garden or about the Poultrie , that there might be occasions good enough to set master Deanes stomacke against him became so entire with the boy as in short space he promised to concurre with Dobson for the making vppe of any ieast , that might not tend to his own extreame preiudice , and his maisters vtter infamy . For which Dobson protesting to regratiate both him , and to haue care of the circumstances , lay still in waite , when he might take sir William napping , or fittely effect any thing whereby to worke him some notable shame ; in the winter time when a snowe fell , he came to the Chamberlaine desiring him to affoord him a paire of sir William shooes , and that the same night when sir William should be asleepe , that he would suffer him to enter the wooddeyard , where ( saith he ) I wil be so hardy as to take away one of master Deanes fattest Turkies , wherewith we will make merry and laugh in some conuenient place in the towne . O God forbid said the Chamberer , for when the Turkie is wanting they will straight suspect me , because I onely , and my maister the Deanes Poulterer excepted , haue recourse into that place , and for my maister they know him honest enough , neither will they conceiue any iealousie of him , but presently they will accuse and also cause mée to be punished . Not so quoth Dobson , for to preuent them therein I desire to haue sir Williams shooes , that they may sée that the print left in the snowe is of a mans foote , not of a boyes , which sight will assuredly acquit thée : and knowing sir Williams honestie in all former times , they will be brought to that exigent , that they shall not know what to doe or say : and héereupon they will be enforced to conceale it , lest if accusing thy master , the blame be thrust vpon themselues . The boy loath to displease Dobson , or to hazard his goodwill , condiscended to his desires , lent him a paire of his masters shooes , and at his time appointed permitted him to haue frée passage through the house into the woodyard , from whence hée tooke away the fattest Turkie to his knowledge , and quietly conueying him by the same passage , leauing the shooes with the boy in the Chamber , hée carried the Turky to be dressed in the towne at a Cookes house of his acquaintance , wherewith hée feasted such of his friends as he made choice of , laughing to consider how he intended to blonke sir William : so when the morning came he conueyed himselfe betimes to his vncles chamber , which was also in the same court , and had one window lighting into the same wood-yard , thither he secretly conueyed himselfe to attend the Poulterers comming to serue his birdes , who about his ordinary time came to bring them meate , and to sée if he had all his number , where he missed ( by the head ) the Turky that was stollen . This want being extraordinary , amazed him : and hée could not deuise how it should come to passe , if either some weasell , stot , or poulecat had not deuoured her . But then againe he considered that so little a beast could not so dispatch him , but that there would haue béene left some remainders ; neither could he discerne which way any such vermine could haue accesse vnto that place . To thinke that he was stollen , was but a méere imagination , as he supposed , since there was no way left to théeues , so that what to censure aright hée was altogether ignorant . But while that he stood in this doubt and perplexitie , incertaine what to do or determine vpon , suddenly turning himselfe about , he obserued in the snow the print of a mans foot , which he traced from thence to Sir Williams backe doore , where he perceiued the entry of the same , and the exit likewise , which put him into a greater extasie then before : sometimes he thought without further question this way hath my Maisters Turky beene conueyed : and yet I muse who should do it , for I may bée well assured that Sir William would not so tricke mée for a world of riches , neither hath it beene done by his consent either knowledge : for he promised to my Maister on his credit , that no other but himselfe only and his boy that euer should come into that place , and then to charge him with so foule a fact were great folly , and to my selfe it might procure great displeasure . For first , if I should obiect this against him , neither will my Master giue any eare thereto , either beleeue it , so highly standeth Sir William in his fauour : neither will he for any time hereafter thinke well of me , for broaching such a slaunder . And holding this no expedient course , before he proceeded any further in the matter , he returned into the kitchin , where he related to the Cookes what had chanced , requesting them to aduise him what to do , who came all forth with him into the wood-yard to see how the case stood , & could as little say to the matter as himselfe : diuers were their verdicts , and they varied all in their opinions : some sti-mulated him to charge Sir William with the stealth , others wished him to beware what he did : some aduised him to informe their Master , but the most part gaue him counsell to let it quietly passe , without making further to do about it , and rather to giue diligent attendance to the rest : alleadging that if it were a steaith , seeing no stirre to be made concerning this , the théefe would hazard to haue another , when he might be apprehended , and hée onely blamed and punished who had committed the trespasse . But while they were thus diuided in their iudgements , and as it were in mutinies among themselues , Dobson as though he had been ignorant of the whole case looking foorth at his Vnckles chamber window , desired to know the cause of such their debatings , whereof they made a briefe rehearsall . Alas , God helpe you , are you so simple as to thinke your Maisters Turky gone by any other meane , then by him the print of whose foot you find in the snow : nay assure your selues , that whosoeuers shooe that impression doth fitte , hée is the person which hath committed the theft . And I would counsell you to take héed how you charge Sir William therewith : for albeit there be probable signes that it hath beene conueied thorow his chamber , yet his honesty and good carriage is of such regard , both with your Master , and the whole , as you shall incurre great blame by such complaint , vnlesse you were able to proue it against him , and therein I do suppose you will find difficulties , for he hath neuer yet béene conuicted of any misdemeanor , and therefore take good aduise before you call him into question . And in my opinion , to frée you of your iealosie of him , it is the best course , to borrow one of his shooes , by which you may take a sure trial whether it be he or not : and so may you deale with more securitie , both in respect of him and your selues . This counsell was contenting to them all , and according to good reason . Knocking therefore at his chamber doore , he being yet in bed , they mooued his chamberer for one of his shooes , who suspecting the cause of their request , much against his stomacke brought to them one of the same which Dobson had vsed in the stelth : which agreeing equally with the print , they were al both very sorrowfull and ashamed in Sir Williams behalfe : but Dobson was not a little ioyfull to sée his deuise take such fortunate effect . The Poulterer , as hee whom it more concerned then the rest , called vp Sir William , and after some inuectiue speeches , questioned him of the Turkies stelth : but he much meruailing why they should so strictly taxe him , when they had opened vnto him the likelyhoods , inducing them to charge him , protested vpon the holy Bible , that himselfe was cléere and innocent of such fellony : and assured them further , that neither man nor child had entrance that way by his meanes , or vpon his knowledge : and as for my boy ( saith he ) I dare also giue to you my word , that hee neuer commeth in place , but when my selfe am present ; that is , when wée goe and come from seruice . But all this would not suffice to excuse Sir William , Dobson so vrged the Poulterer to informe Maister Deane thereof : for ( saith he ) if you shall faile to do it , I will cause my vncle to complain of you : for otherwise Sir William clearing himselfe in this manner , it may be supposed , that my vncle or I are acknowne thereof , because our chamber window hath a prospect into the wood-yard ; but by your patience sir , you shall not blocke vs so : and therefore as you will answere it when you shall heare thereof , it is your fairest meane to tell first , lest you bée let to vnderstand the same to your displeasure . And thus backed with Dobsons threatnings , he acquainted his Maister with all as you haue heard . Maister Deane inraged against Sir William , sent for him , and in the presence of the Prebends examined him of the same , who protested as before , that he did not know thereof . Well , ( said Maister Deane ) Sir William , we will take your word , and pardon the fault , but yet the probabilitie of the matter maketh vs to misdoubt you ; and from henceforth wee will interrupt you of that walke , and intreat you to take a little more pains and goe about . At which sentence passed , Sir William inwardly repined , that the peoples eares should be filled with these suspitions , and to haue his doores shut vp . But howsoeuer it greeued him , he must inforce his patience : and so with solemne protestation of his innocency , for that time he departed home , both sorrowfull and ashamed . Dobson well pleased to haue procured him this drie Bob at Maister Deanes hands , was yet notwithstanding not fully satisfied with this reuenge of his friends wrong , but determined yet further , when time serued , to pay him all that he had promised , scorning to dye in his debt : and therefore continuing stil friendly with his Chamberlaine , he vnderstood that Sir William was about a wife , a Marchants daughter in the Towne , a pretty fisgig girle , and who to humor Sir William , would many times repaire to his chamber , especially in the winter euenings , when the neighbours could not so wel obserue her walkes as at other times when the dayes were longer , and the euenings more lightsome : Oftentimes she would kéepe him company all the night , vntill fiue of the clocke in the morning , at which houre she commonly departed , that she might be at home before her father was vp & came abroad forth of his chamber , who knew nothing of her vagaries which her mother permitted , vpon the confident trust she had in Sir William his honest vsage of her , who had moued her husband and her selfe in the matter , crauing their fauourable assents , of whom they conceiued a singular good liking , and desired to accomplish the match with him , conditionally that Maister Deane would assure him his place by pattent during his life , but thereof he was quite hopelesse in respect of his late accident , and dared not to make suit for it ; and thereuppon they deferred to giue their consents , especially the merchant himselfe , but the maide being much affected toward him , and longing to be a mistris in the Abbey , frequented his company as before is said : whereof Dobson being perfitely instructed by the chamberer , laboured his wittes , without intermission , how to gall sir Williams delicates with some bitter sirrope of disgrace : and hauing a nimble head and working braine , he thus effected his drift , hée learned of the boy what night they had appointed for their next méeting at his maisters chamber , which the boy discouered vnto him : but whie desirest thou to know , said he , fearing some such pretence as before he had drawne him vnto ? O nothing said Dobson , but if then thou couldst be absent , I should be gladde to haue thy company at the signe of the Foare , where I haue set downe that night to meete certaine Gentlemen of the countrey , to whome I haue promised a song , and a set of musicke , and I shall thinke my selfe much in thy debt if thou wilt be there to sing the Meane amongst vs , which if thou shalt doe , the least parte of their liberalitie shall not be thine . Say no more ( sayd the boy ) for if mistris Iane hold her appoyntment , and lodge with my maister all the night , so soone as they are gone to bed , I will not faile to be one among you , but if they sit vp all night , then I cannot be away , for that I must be sent into the towne for wine , or some other conceit , as they shall thinke good . Why then saide Dobson , this is all that we may resolue , that if she come according to promise , and occasion serue that thou mayest present thy selfe with vs , then we shall haue thy company ; and if otherwise , thou shalt certifie me , to the end that we may prouide another to supply thy want : Thereof be you assured saide the boy , and make no doubt : that sufficeth , quoth Dobson , and so farewell . The boy tooke his direct course to his mistris chamber , and Dobson his to certaine of his déerest friends , whom hée desired to affoord him their assistance in the stealing of a Diere the next tuesday ensuing , for saith he , a kinswoman of mine in the country who longeth for venison , hath sent to mée to prouide her . I haue both intreated for her , and offered money , but cannot procure her a simple fée , and rather than she shall receiue harme for the want thereof , I will hazard to fetch one foorth of Beares parke , so I may intreate your good helpes . And if Fortune fauour our attempts , looke what shall be more than to stay her longing , shall be at your owne disposing , neither shall you feare any inconuenience to come thereof : for if that our chaunce should be so euill as to be taken , I trust well that my vnckle will worke our attonement with Maister Deane , and set vs frée from punishment , and in respect of that fauor I shall rest wholy yours at all times to pleasure you . Dobsons reputation was such amongst the caualieroes in the citty , that he could not so easily request , as they assent to effect his desires , assuring that to do him anie pleasure , they were all at all times ready to abide any penalty of the law , without exspectation of fauour , or forbearaunce : for he saide , he who will stand foorth to help his friends necessity for any feare , is not worthy the name of a good fellow , and therefore make choice of your time , and we wil not be wanting to goe with you , which they performed according to his assignement . And by the helpe of their greyhounds , they quickely had killed their game , and trussing her vpon a horse , they brought her safely away , the Kéepers that night neglecting their watch . Dobson directed them to an Inne in the towne , where he desired them to attend his comming , which should be within an houre after . And when he once supposed them to be safe in the house , hée went to the Kéepers Lodge in the Parke , willing them to rise , for this night , saieth hée , one of your diere is slaine and carried hence , as I coniecture , for comming this éeuening to my vncle Pharaoes , I mette her vpon the shoulders of foure good fellowes , and ( to my iudgement ) she is carried to sir Williams chamber , the vsher of the singing schoole , so that if your selfe did not bestow her vpon him , I beléeue that there you shal find both hir and the parties that haue committed the slaughter ; for among them I could perfitly discerne sir William , and his brother Robert : what the other were I could not so well obserue , for they shunned my way a little , and my selfe was loath to be espied of them : and therefore now that I haue discharged my loue and duety to maister Deane , and my good will to you : deale you herein as reason and the cause requireth , and herewith he departed posting after his companions as he could , vntill hée came to the Inne , where hée had appointed them to stay , and sir Williams boy to méete him , who had continued there the most parte of the night to attend his comming . Dobson commaunding the cookes to make ready the venison , taking his companion aside , asked him if mistris Iane were with sir William or not : yea and by this asléepe betwixt his armes : and so let her be , quoth Dobson , we shall fare the better for their sakes , God send them ioy at their arising , and so going into the company againe , they fell to sporting vntill the venison was made ready . The kéeper of Bearesparke much mooued at Dobsons relation , without further delayes leapt from his bed , and hauing put vppon him his apparrell , away he pased to Dunholme in haste , neuer so much as breathing till hée came to the Deanes lodging , where knocking at the gates , hée commaunded the Porter to let him in , for he had serious matters to deliuer to his maister , and that presently , being brought to his bed chamber , and admitted to speake , he made rehearsall of Dobsons report , further annexing , that if it would please his worshippe to arise , and to make search in sir Williams chamber , at this instant wée shall take all them who haue doone iniurie to your worship , and murdred the game . The Deane beléeuing that euery thing was euen so as he had saide , hauing him in suspition for his Turkey , arose in a great chafe against sir William , and caused his men to call vp so many of the prebends as were then in the towne , to assist him . They much maruelling what occasions he had to imploy them at that time of the night : they made great haste to come to his lodging , whither when they were all arriued , he declared the cause of his disturbing of them so extraordinarily , crauing their pardon , because ( saith he ) if I should tolerate him to procéede in these courses , hée will doe shame to vs all , in the face of the world ; and for that you shall not suppose that I runne against him vpon méere suggestions , or splenatiue informations , I haue therefore requested your presences , that you might be eye-witnesses of his abuses done against me : for notwithstanding that by my meanes he was not onely placed in the Schoole , as you all know , but also was allowed the pleasures of my gardens , and orchards , vntill such time as my Turkie was ( through his default ) taken away and stolne , which I pardond him with the only abridgement of my garden contents , and the pleasures he thereby receiued : but in requitall of my benignities he hath this night with other his confederates and loose fellowes gone into my Parke and stolne away one of my diere , and at this instant , in his chamber , is feasting there with the associates of his knaueries , whither I request you all to accompany me , that they may be all arrested , and vndergoe such penalty as the law to such offendors hath limited , for I perceiue , that further to forbeare him , is but to stimulate and egge him forwards to all other fortes of disorder . Vnto which his speech , they giuing a generall applause , sette forward with him to search sir Williams chamber , who ( poore man ) fearing no such matter , was layd arme in arme with his swéete mistris Iane : and as he supposed , secure enough . But we see no man so much in daunger as he who dreadeth none . Sir William unbracing his sweet mistris is awaked foorth of his dreams , and commanded to s●t open his doores that master Dean may come in : O good Lord , who can explane the perplexities he conceiued at the name of Maister Deane ? Alas sayd he to mistris Iane , what shall we now do ? or course shall we take to keepe you from his sight ? sor at the backe doore I can not dismisse you , for he hath caused that passage to be barred vp so strongly , as that it can not be broken : nay , and perhappes his busines is into the wooddeyeard , and then that were the worst of all other courses , conueiaunce I haue none to hide you in , and if I shoulde thrust you into my study , it is to be doubted that there he will finde you : and I had rather go bare foote to Rome , than that hee should so ouertake vs , for we were not only vndone , but shamed for euer . It is woonder to mee what hee hath to do with me thus late in the night , or what should mooue him to come hither in th●s manner , vnlesse some of purpose haue giuen him intelligence of your being heere . The yong girle not able to aduise him , qu●king for feare , and ready to sincke with shame , prayed him to thrust her vnder the bed , for sure saith she , he wil haue no occasion to see●e there for any thing , and casting her cloathes about her as it would bée , shee crept vnder the bed her selfe , and sir William couered her with an old carpet : but the Deane offended that he made no more speed to let him into the house , perswading himselfe , that he of purpose kept him there , till he had conueighed his associates and the venison out of sight , commanded his men violently , to breake open the doores , and enter the house : all which they did , and lighting vp torches , gaue way for M. Deane and the Prebends to come in ; who strictly examined sir William of his companions and the veneson , charging him to tell them where hee had bestowed them , and it . ( But sir William Godwot ) though his conscience testified vnto him that he was accessarie to no such action , yet vpon this heauie taxe of M. Deane , hée was ready to fall dead before them , swearing and protesting that he neuer came into that parke , day nor night about any such purpose , humbly praying M. Deane to pardon him , and to alter such his conceits , for ( saith he ) I am a true and iust man. But at this reply , the Kéeper assured M. Deane that the very same night one Deare was killed , and that he who told him thereof , could not be mistaken of sir William . M. Deane there vpon , notwithstanding all his solempne protestations , commanded to search euery corner of the chamber , and vnder the bed , where they found the poore Doe in a colde palsie , who for shame to be so taken , sownded in the presence of them all , and was ready to giue vp the ghost : sir William became mute , and fared like a man destraughted . The Deane and Prebends blamed him very much , and threatned to punish these disorders , yet all did their indeuors to bring Mistresse Iane to her perfect senses againe . And when she was recouered they sent her home to her mothers house , willing her mother to respect more her daughters honestie and good name . Dobson and his associats were thrust in among the searchers , and laughed their parts at sir William his interprize . The Deane and Prebends returned home to their beds , so blanked with this bob , that they could not tell what to conceite other , then that some mad braine fellow , either spiting at , or meaning to make a scorne of sir William , had of purpose plotted it : but before the morning was blased through the citie the whole accedents , at which a number made good pastime . Poore Mistresse Iane kept her closet , ashamed to péepe out of doores , vntill her father taking the matter in snuffe , went to M. Deane and the Prebends , desiring them to constraine sir William to make amends to his daughter , and in the sight of the people to marry her : whith they compelled him to doe , and to gratifie the Marchant , they confirmed him a pattent of the Vshership as largely as he desired and contrary to his expectation . After this the truth of the matter was published , neither did any man disallowe of Dobsons bob , and sir William euer after was carefull not to offend him , or any of his friends . How Dobson deceiued his friend Raikebaines of a Pudding , and how hee shut him vp in the Candle cupbord . The fifth Chapter . DObson séeing his matches to make so wel and his contrinings to come to so good a passe , broke his Bobbes on each mans nose , without respect , he spared no persons but as occasion was offered , he played the wagge , sometime in the city , other while in the countrey , by meanes whereof his fame spread it selfe all ouer : and all pleasantly disposed humourists , sought to be acquainted with him , although he were but yet a scholler : neither did at chiue any small commendations for his practise against Sir William . But before this he had plotted diuers others in the schools amongst his fellowes , whereof one was this : Rakebaines ( of whom before we haue spoken ) was borne in the countrey sixe miles distant from Dunhoime , whither he was sent to the schoole , to be instructed in good letters , and sundry good manners sitting his estate and parentage . He was tabled with a sister of his mothers married to a Lawyer in the Citie , who had also a sonne which daily did accompany him to the schoole , as very a wagge as the best , yet he alwaies more smoothly carried his knaueries then Rakebaines did ; neuer putting his hand to any action , but when he was assured of another betwixt him & the halter . This Raikebains father being a gentleman of good port and great hospitalitie , kept continually a liberall and bountifull house ; and toward Christmas time he killed euery yeare great store of beasts . His mother to applaud her sonnes content , at such times alwayes sent to him and her nephew some store of puddings : which he , to th end he might braue of his mothers respect toward him amongst his fellow scholers , would many times carry with him to the schoole , therewith to breake his fast , when the rest were licensed to goe home , or to their Innes , which ordinarily they were wont to doe at eight a clocke in the morning . So it happened his cosin to be sicke , Raikebaines was to goe to schoole alone ; he thought it better to carry his breakefast with him , then to trouble himselfe to come so farre for it . And because he thought there was nothing so fit for his carriage as a pudding ▪ he desired the maid to bestow one vpon him , which his request she assented vnto . But when it approached néere breakefast time , he tooke great care how to haue it safely warmed , and that it might not bée snatched from him : and therefore fearing the disorders of his fellowes , he intreated Dobson to affoord his assistance , and to stand his friend : which if he should do , he promised to share it equally betwixt them . Dobson purposing in stéed of an inch to take an ell , and for the whole scarcely to returne the skinne , prepared a place for it before the fire , and would not permit any man to come during the time it was in making hot . And before that it was thorowly warmed , the clocke stroke eight , and euerie man departed except Dobson and Raikebaines , who staid expecting til the pudding should be warme enough . Dobson hauing the promise of the halfe , sate deuising how he might possesse him of the whole : and so when he perceiued it to be hot enough : Iames ( saith he ) looke out at the window , and see whether any of them be returning to the schoole or not : for if they shall come before we haue made an end , they will so molest vs , that wée shall not eate it in quiet : so that if thou dost espy any of them to be néere hand , wée will conuey our selues into some corner , vntill we haue made dispatch thereof . But whilest Iames Rakebaines was ascending into the window , to do as he was aduised , away goeth Dobson with the pudding thorow the Church and Cloister , into the Cannons hall , wherein shutting himselfe , and fast bolting the doores , he feasted himselfe with the whole pudding : but Raikebanes in hope to recouer some part at the least , pursued him with huy and cry through Church and Cloister , vntill he came to the Common hall , where finding the doores bolted , he stayed knocking and exclaiming the space of an houre ▪ but could haue no entrance , neither any aunswere . In the meane time while hée there continued rapping and calling to his friend , sometimes imperiously commaunding Dobson to part stake , and to make equall diuidence with him : otherwhile intreating him to reward him with some small portion , who once was owner of the whole . Sir Thomas passing that way from his chamber to the Chancel , hearing him many times to nominate Dobson , came to know the cause of his disturbance . Rakebaines fully confiding by his helpe to haue either his pudding , 〈◊〉 some part thereof restored , diselesed to him all the circumstances aforesaid : who much offended for his wrongs receiued , commaunded Dobson to appeare in his likenesse , and to come to his answere : he hearing the voyce of his vncle , came streight to the doores , and vnboulting the same , patiently heard all that euer could be obiected against him , vnto the which he made this reply . Vncle ( saith he ) you may do as you sée cause , in beléeuing him or me , but surely hée hath foreskipped and told to you my tale , for my Aunt Pharoe sent me this pudding vpon Saturday last , which I reserued vntill now . And in very deed , because I feared that whilest I were called by my Maister to sing , or other exercise , haply it might haue béen stollen from me , I intreated him to giue respect thereto till it were warmed , and to recompence his paines I promised to bestow vpon him some part thereof : but he would néedes be his owne caruer , and either haue the greater halfe , or none : which because he refused to stand to my beneuolence , and the pact made betwixt vs , I haue wholly dispatched , and haue left him none thereof : and for this cause he cryeth and exclaimeth against me , as you heare . Raikebaines perceiuing by Dobsons countenance , that if he should reply against him , or deny any thing which Dobson had said to be true , that he should then for euer loose his friendship , séemed to yéeld to his affection , and to graunt his defensorie spéech for truth , contenting himselfe both to brooke the iniurie , and eke to beare the blame . Sir Thomas séeing no great cause vppon the rehearsall made by both the parties why to chide his nephew , requested Raikebaines to acquiet himselfe for that time , and charged thother no more so to dis-taste his familiar frind : But it was not long before Dobson had forgot his vncles strict iniunction , and his promise of better vsing his friends : for it was his humour , neuer to play one shrewd turne alone , but being of a scrupulous conscience , hée payed euer his debts double ouer , and scorned to restore the capitall summe without the interest , and therefore once more he made bolde with his fellow , curbing his exspectations : and because Lent was at hand , hée prepared him to obserue the fast . This same yéere his vnckle sir Thomas was chosen Choraster of the Cathedrall , and to set vp the tapers at the times of seruice , both morning and euening , from the feast of Saint Martine , vntill the feast of March. Sir Thomas , whether it were that leuing his bed well in a morning , he was loath to rise so earely in that cold season , or otherwise , for that he would haue his nephew to haue experience in these offices , whereunto in future times he might be elected and promoted , and not to be to learne when he should be placed therein . He made him his substitute , and appointed him to lighten and extinguish the tapers and candles , specially in the mornings : which Dobson diligently performed with the assistance of his fellowes , who in hope to haue some of the short ends which could no more bée set vp for the Church seruice did dayly both before and after prayers , which were to be done at sixe of the clock in the morning , helpe him in the said office . And principally this Rakebains attended him more then any of the rest , to whom in respect of his diligence he had promised the square end of a great taper , at the laying vp of the lights : which when Dobson was shutting of the cubboord , as séeming to haue forgot his promise Raikebaines demaunded . Dobson intending to intrappe him , threw it to the further end of the cupboord , so farre , that it was not possible to reach to it , vnlesse that one of them should créepe in , which Raikebaines offered to doe , rather than that he would want the commoditie of the candle , and so presently skipped into the candle cupboord , to fetch away the Taper : but Dobson lockt fast the doores and departed thense to the schools , leauing Raikebaines to play the Cat , and warrant his tapers from the tyranny of the Rattes , where he sate shut vp howling and crying , from halfe houre past sixe , vntill almost tenne in the sorenoone , at which time sir Thomas and other the Canons came to put vpon them their Surplises , in which ordinarily they soong their Seruice , and which , for readinesse sake , they kept continually lying in presses there . Raikebaines hearing the sound of voyces , and the noyse of mens feete , cried forth so lowde as he could , to the great admiration of sir Thomas , and the residue of the Cannonists , who speaking in at the key hole , asked who it shuld be that was in his candle-cupboord , It is I , quoth Raikebaines . And who are you said sir Thomas ? Iames Raikebains replied he . Alas quoth sir Thomas , how camest thou into that place ? and how long hast thou sit there ? Euer since halfe an houre after sixe this morning aunswered Raikebaines , and your nephew Dobson shut me heere , because I went into the cupboord to fetch forth the end of a taper which himselfe had promised to bestow vpon me , for helping him to gather and extinguish the lights after praier . Sir Thomas pittying the poore boy , almost starued with cold and hunger , went to seeke for his nephew Dobson in the Schooles to set Raikebaines at liberty , threatning to punish him for his mis-vsage . But Dobson excused himselfe , and said that Raikebains icapt into the cupboord contrary to his will , and swore that he would not come from thence , vnlesse that he had a whole candle which hée had espied in the furthest corner , which I neither would , neither durst doe without your consent , and therefore did I thinke it very fit that he should abide your comming , and now it is in your choice to bestow vpon him , or not , and therewith vnlocking the doores , séely Raikebaines was scarcely able to crawle foorth , his ioynts were so stiffened and benummed with cold . Sir Thomas somewhat to ease his extreamities bestowed vpon him a couple of candles , and liberally rewarded Dobson with a bobbe vppon the mouth , insomuch as the blood followed his fist , and that done , attiring himselfe in his roabes , he went forward to doe his seruice in the Chauncell , leauing Dobson and Raikebaines further to decide the case betwixt themselues at the candle cupboord . How Dobson reuenged himselfe vpon his vncle . Chap. 6. DObson was much discōtented for the blow giuen vnto him by his vncle , yet considering how well hee had deserued the same , in regard of the iniurie done to his frend , he reconciled himselfe again to Raikebans , with promise , that if hee would forgette that discurtesie , he neuer more would wrong , iniurie , or disgrace him , but patronize his cause against all opponants of what sort soeuer , in which he kept touch with him as by the vsage of sir William the Vsher appeared . Raikebanes being of a gentle and good nature easily pardoned the offence , and ioyning hands , they protested to continue perfit Friends each to other during their liues , and so returned to the Schoole wel satisfied , where Dobson sate all the day oppressd with melancholy , casting his thoghts vp and downe , how to come cleare with his Vncle , but hée could not apprehend any occasion in the worlde as then : yet gaue hée not ouer to exspect , or vrge some fit opportunitie of reuenge , and after diuerse purposes which missed him , in the end he thus resolued . At the Vncle of S. Giles , his Vncle had a very faire Orchard , in which euery yéere he had growing great abundance of goodly and pleasant fruites , for which he was so careful , that alwayes nigh vnto the time of their ripening , he hired sometimes one , sometimes two fellows to watch his Orchards in the night season , and to defend his fruits from stealing . Dobson hauing a goodwill to ease his stomake vpon his Vncle , agréed with certaine of his merry acquaintances , one night in Apple-time to enter the Orchard , and from thence to conueigh such fruite as possibly they were able to beare , promising to assist them himselfe , intreating them if they were molested , to beate well and soundly the Kéepers thereof , and to vse his Vncle as he would deuise , if he came to their succours : him ( saith hée ) when you haue gagged , and bound the two Kéepers so surely that they cannot mooue , or doe you any incombrance , I would haue you to put into a sacke , binding first his handes and féete , and permitting onely his head to appeare lest he should be smootherd , gagging him likewise lest he cry , and be redéemed of his neighbours , then in some place of the orchard where the trées be thickest , I wish to haue him trussed vp by the héeles , where let him hang till he waxe more tender , for he is old and too tough for the spit : And for my selfe , I purpose that time to be absent from the house , because you shall not bée hindred by me , nor interrapted : but be sure that you binde not my Vncle too hard , neither yet giue any great blowes , but with as much facilitie as you can , binde as I haue instrncted you , wherein , if you shall accomplish my desire , I shall thinke my selfe both bounden vnto you for helping me so be reuenged , and also I shal be willing to repay your kindnes , when any occasion thereof is ministred . They willed him to take no further thought , than only to deuise a meane for his owne absenting , and they would performe all the rest as he had directed , the next Wednesday night insuing . Dobson thanked them , and vpon Wednesday hée entreated his Vncle to licence him to go sée his father and other friends in the country : For Vncle ( saith hee ) I haue not béene there nowe the space of these tenne yeeres , and I am very desirous to visite them , and for two dayes to be merry amongst them , vnto which his desire , his vncle condescended : and Dobson ( séeming to him to go to his father ) passed no further then into the Towne , to forward these fellows in the execution of their intended stratageme , he went therefore first vnto a Carpenters shop , and caused a horse of wood to be made , with a sword , dagger , and distaffe of the same , all the which he gotte planted in a gorgeous manner , and bringing them to his companions vppon wednesday at night ; hée goeth with them to the vtter side of the Orchyard , where taking downe two pale boordes , which hée before had loosened , they made themselues a way to enter . They , so soone as they were within , begaune to lay agood amongst the Apple trées , making a great rushing and noyse , of purpose : the kéepers came to know their intents , and to bring them before sir Thomas , but the conflict was vnequall , for they were fire against twoo : yet being sturdy fellowes , of a good stomacke , and standing vpon the iustnesse of their quarrell , encountred them all very lustily , vntill the one of them was beaten downe to the ground , and the other being ouermatched , fledde into the Vicarage , and tolde sir Thomas how the case did stand . At the hearing whereof , hée arose in great haste , calling vp also his house-kéeper , willing her to follow after him with the broach , and to kill the first with whom shée incountred : for , saith he , this nights worke shall bée memorable in Dunholme , while there is one stone thereof standing . And fearing lest he should not be well happed with blowes , casting his gowne loosely about his shoulders , foorth hée marched , and the olde beldame his sister with a broach , and the kéeper of the Orchard with a portigan . But while sir Thomas was making himselfe ready for the fight within , the théeues had chained the other fellow whome before they had beaten downe , and also had gagged him so well , that he could not cry , and were exspecting close by the doores , when sir Thomas wold sally foorth , they tripped his héeles at vnawares , béeing néerer at hand than hée looked for , and muffled him in his gowne , vntill they had made him ready for the sacke : Then taking his gowne they put it vppon his sister , and tying her handes behinde her , they set her vpon the wooden horse , as Dobson had prescribed , and bound her téete vnder his belly , which doone , they girde her about with the painted sword and dagger , setting vpon hir head a paper hatte with a bush of peacocke feathers eaualiere like , ready to chalenge euery man to the combate , and in this gnise they placed her vnder a peare srée . Sir Thomas did they thrust into a sacke , and by his nephews aduise , who fearing that so long hanging by the héetes , as til the next morrow , might procure him some infirmity , they reared him into the same peare trée aboue his sister , and making for him a chaire of estate of the boughes , they bound in the one haud the distaffe , and in his other , a skimmerand spreading his armes , they fastned him by the wrests vnto the braunches that were next him . While some of them were thus in hand with sir Thomas , and his house-keeper , the other tooke the twowarders , and bound and gagged them as is aforesaide : they fastned their handes about a appletrée , turning their hose down beneath their knées , so as their buttocks were set naked to the trée , fastning them to the truncke below . Besides the gagges , they putte into either of their mouthes , a bunch of Maie , and a pricking Thorne : and before them they heaped a bundle of bauine , and other drie wood in forme of a fire , and the broach hung full of apples as it were to be rosted . Then taking so much fruit as them liked , they departed home , leauing sir Thomas and his seruitours to kéepe the watch . Dobson very timely in the morning repaired to the vicarage , and knowing his vncles necessitie , hée passed thorow the house into the orchard , to take a view of his deuises : and when he came vnto the peare trée wherein his vncle was inthronized , he called vppe to him , in sorrowfull manner wringing his handes , and as it would be , wrested foorth some small number of teares . But his vncle sate as a man who had perisht the vse of his tong , for speake he could not , in regarde of his gagge , neyther could he mooue , or make any signe , they had so streightned all his ioynts . His Aunt also buckled vpon her prancing courser in martiall manner , like Bellona goddesse of battell , sate dareing Mars and all his chiualrie : and the two kéepers in their disguises , like Tantalus , stoode gaping , as though they would haue catcht the apples off from the broach , but could not reach them . Dobson to perswade his vncle that he was ignorant of this practise , ranne howling vp and downe the orchard , as it were , affrighted with this lamentable sight , and from thence into the stréetes , calling the neighbours all about to come to his assistance . The people vpon his outery flocked in heapes into the orchard , to sée what the matter was , much lamenting sir Thomas his euill chaunce , the rather , for that it was done so priuately , as that they had no intelligence , either to haue preuented , or to haue redressed his wrongs . But it was no time then to debate the matter , his present case required more their helping handes , to vnbinde him , than their aduise how an other time to preuent the like misfortune : So some bringing a ladder , scaled vp the tree where he sa●e , and vnbinding his armes , they brought him downe so tenderly as they could in blankets , fearing , because he could not speake , that with extreamity of colde , hée was fallen into some sowning palsie : and being in some hope , that by warmnesse hee might be brought to his senses againe , they carried him into the house , and placed him in his bed , foorth of the which he stirred not for the space of thrée daies , neither all that time could he speake one word , either receiue any meate , but onely such liquide sirropes as his kéeper powred into him with spoones : The Phisitions were in some doubt of his recouery of health , for which Dobson was vnfainedly sorrowfull , and repented that euer hée deuised such a stratageme . His Awnt was sicke for a tweluemoneth after : But the two yong fellowes whose spirites were more quicke and liuely , after they had bin set before the fire , and lapped well in warme clothes , beganne to recouer themselues . And as they perceiued their tongues able to mooue , they vnfolded all the case as if came to passe . The neighbours very pensiue for their Curates mischaunce , diligently attended about him , till hée was able to doe for himselfe . And Dobson sent for his mother , to take charge of the house , during the time of his infirmity . But sir Thomas , whether that he merrily conceiued , or otherwise was certainely informed , that Dobson was the plotter of this deuise in all after times , tooke such exceptions against him , as that no action of his was gratefull or acceptable in his sight , where at Dobson more storming than before , as opportunitie sorted to his designements , hée repayed all his vncles discountenances with measurable disgraces ; yet keeping a more moderate course , and giuing respect that hée did no more hazard his vncles life and welfare . How Dobson caused his vncles horse to be impownded , because he denied to let him goe with him into the Countrey . Chap. 7. WHen sir Thomas was perfitly recouerd of his agew , hee was inuited by diuerse of his friends into the countrey , to passe awaie some parte of the summer , perswading him that the fresh aire was both comfortable and wholesome after his so long sickenesse : and it was about the Whitsontide , when the country people hauing affections to be merry , Dobson requested his vnckle to graunt him leaue to accompany him , and to stéede him in place of a seruingman : but sir Thomas thinking it a thing inconuenient , to committe the whole care of his house to his sister alone , who was an olde decrepite creature , not able to mooue herselfe without a staffe , much lesse vnfitte to make resistance , if any knowing their absence should breake into the house , and offer to spoyle him of his stuffe and treasure . Againe , he supposed Dobson made such request , onely to neglect and commit some knauery there , whereby to make himselfe as famous in the countrey , as he was memorable in the citty . And therefore these particulars considered , he denied to let him haue his desire . Dobson said nothing , but shewed himselfe well appeased , yet he intended to abridge his vncle as much of his pleasure as he had done him of his . And at the very time his vncle was to set forward with his progresse , one of those good fellowes , who had fauoured him in the breaking of the Orchard , was sent for into Northumberland to his mother , who lay at the poynt of death , and desired to speake with him before she passed this life . And hée both loath to take so great a iourney on foote , and not hauing a horse of his owne , could not tell how ( so presently ) to spéede himselfe of one , as these his importunities and haste required ; he acquainted Dobson with his want , and intreated him amongst his friends , for that time , to further him , and he would pleasure him as much , if so his arrand came in his way . Dobson told him , that in the towne ( vpon so short warning ) he could not procure him any , vnlesse , quoth he , I might make bolde with my vnckles gelding , which if thou couldst returne before to morrow morning , I could then supply thy necessity , and otherwise I should disappoint himselfe , for he is to ride into the countrey , to take the ayre after his long sickenes , and to feast it amongst his friendes . O good Dobson , said his acquaintance , hazard alittle to pleasure me , and in any thing thou shalt commaund me , though the execution therof should stand with the expence of my blood and life , yet will I not refuse to aduenture for thy life , fame , and reputation : for if my mother should be departed before my comming , I shall be vtterly vndone , and great is the losse that may redound to me thereby . To morrow at night , at the vtmost , I will send him backe , and if so long he will not deferre his iourney : He is not of such slender acquaintaunce , neither so ill be●oued , but that he may haue choice amongst his parishioners and neighbours . Dobson of all other things detesting ingratitude , and not to seeme vnmindefull of pleasures receiued , or carelesse in requitall of good offices , willd him to prouide him selfe of furniture requisite , and he promised to affoorde him a horse foorthwith , conditionally that whensoeuer thou bringest him backe , thou shalt leaue him somwhere in the pownd within three miles of the Citty , charging the Pinder to proclaime the next market day , that so my vnckle may come to heare of h●m againe : and will him also to take , not onely an ordinary fee , but also for his pasture for so many dayes as thou hast him in trauell , and so if thou wilt stay a wéeke ▪ I shall licence thee . His friend much , and heartily thanked him , protesting neuer to faile in whatsoeuer he could , by any of his endeauours to do him benefit , and receiuing the gelding at the place appointed betwixt them , held on his iourney with a gladsome chéere for this fauour of his friend , and left sir Thomas , eyther to borrow vpon his neighbours , or to stay at home , or like a stowt fellow to steppe vppon his stumpes . The same night after supper was ended , sir Thomas willed Dobson to warne his tenaunt that looked to his saide gelding , and such other beasts as he had grazing a mile distant from the towne , to take him into the stables that night , to the end hée might haue him in readinesse to be gone betimes the next morning , for he purposed to dine tenne miles from the Citty . Dobson went presently and deliuered his message , and sent the fellowe to the fieldes , who sought him all that night , and the next day , in euery pasture , field , and towne within fiue miles circuite , but could heare nothing of the horse . Sir Thomas wéening him as ready now as at other times , got him to bedde that night somewhat soone , to the end hée might be stirring more earely the next morrow : in which so soone as the day appéered , he arose and made himselfe fitte for his iourney , he put on his holiday apparrell , his bootes and spurres , called for his breakefast , and neuer asked for his horse , vntill he had ordered all things in the house , desiring his sister friendly to entertaine all such his neighbours and acquaintaunces as should come to visite her during his tarriance in the Country : charging Dobson to be dilligent in the accomplishment of all her commaundements , and to abstaine from all kinde of disorders till his returne , to giue good respect to all thinges about the house , and at his chamber in the Fratery : and so kissing his sister for a farewell ( after the maner of the Countrey ) he willed Dobson to bring him his horse to the doores . Dobson returning from the stables , came and tolde his vncle , that his man had not brought him as yet from the fieldes , as hée supposed , for vppon hookes were hanging his bridle and saddle , but he could sée no horse . Sir Thomas chafed at the fellow his tenaunt , and sent Dobson to his house to know the cause why he was not yet come . The wife tolde him that she had not séene him since his being there , when hée without further delay went to fetch him : and because hée came not home to his bed , I iudged my Maister had sent him abroade for the dispatch of some other of his businesses , so that if hee be not with you , for my life I cannot certifie what is becom of him . Dobson carried backe her answer ; which answer sir Thomas hearing , hée knew not what to imagine , but strait hée imagined his horse to be stolne , and so affirmd . O God forbid , said Dobson , my hope is , that he is onely strayed forth into some of our neighbors grounds , or else is some where in the pownd . If so , saide his vncle , then the fellow would haue got some notice of him before this time : and so perhappes , good vncle , he will be héere with him shortly . In which hope sir Thomas kept on his boots all that day till night , when home came the fellow without the horse , neyther could tell any newes of him . ●ir Thomas feared he had béene stolne , and for the very sorrow thereof , he stayed his iourny for that time , and sent his man to euery coast of the Countrey , to inquire after him : but all his labour was in vaine , vntill the returne of the party , to whome Dobson had lent him , who obseruing Dobsons prescript , left him in the pownd , at Chester in the stréete , charging the Pindar to take his accustomed fées , and for a wéekes pasture more , when hée should be sent for by the owner . The Pindar very glad of so good a pledge , caused proclamation to be made in Dunholme the next morrow after that hee was left with him . Some one of his neighbors that was present thereat , gaue sir Thomas to vnderstand thereof , who by the description knew him to be his . He sent for him immediately , and gaue the Pindar his whole demaund with all his heart , reioycing to haue got his gelding againe ; which he verily supposed had bin stolne . How Dobson brewed Ale for his vncle . Chap. 8. DObson yet hardly brooking his vncles discurtesie , and perceiuing him to be dayly , estraunged , hauing got the reines into his hands , did grow carelesie more liberally runne at large , and neuer tooke vppe with himselfe , vntill hée had thrust his necke into the halter , when if his vncle had not stood his very good friend , he had bid his kinsefolkes al adew with his héeles , and had daunced his last measures vpon the gallowes : but fearing no such matter as then , neither imagining to be so much néedfull of his kindnesse , he spared not to play the foole with him , who afterward prooued his best friend : neither did he thinke himselfe sufficiently satisfied with the abuse he had already offered , but euer as he could catch an accurrence to doe him further griefe , he put to execution the same forthwith . His vncle to recompence his neighbours carefull respect of him in his sicknesse , inuited them to a Friday nights drinking , letting them to vnderstand , that whereas they were sory for his late misfortune , as wel appeared by their care and paines taken about him during the time of his infirmity , which their gratitude and kindnesse commixt with compassion , though he were not of power in equall measure able to satisfie , & according to their well deseruings , yet his willingnesse should neuer be wanting , to affoord so much as his estate and abilitie permitted : and therefore praying them to pardon his insufficiencie , and to accept of his good will , he wished he might be so bold as to intreat them to take a cup of Ale with him , and an apple , the Friday at night following , which he promised should be of the best to be had in Dunholme . They excusing their negligence , told him they were ashamed that they did no better stéed him , when his necessitie so required , but they could do no more but sorrow for their defect : and for such troublesome guests as they should be , they told him that he néeded not to feare to want ▪ He greatly contented with the gratefull acceptance of his simple offer , bespoke his Hostesse to send to his chamber halfe a dozen gallons of her best Ale , which she did according to his appointment . He further commaunded his house-kéeper to bestow it in some safe place , where none might haue accesse to trouble it , vntill it were cléere and fined : which she did ( as she imagined ) yet Dobson had a shift to deceiue her , aswell as to set his vncles geldings in the fold . So , vpon the Thursday at afternoone before his vncles guests were to come , he and his fellow schollers hauing libertie to dispend the day at their choyce , & were dismissed of al schoole exercises , he willing to make them a banquet , carried such as he specially fauoured with him to the Vicarage , where preuenting his vncles guests , he made the most part of them drunke as Rats . When he had placed them all so néere to the house as hée thought conuenient , he came to his Aunt , and told her that Sir Thomas was come to the Church , to sée if the Organs were in tune , for the next Sunday they were to be vsed : and because he would not altogether rely on his owne iudgement therein , he had brought with him halfe a dozen of his familiars , to help to reforme them , if néed so required , to whom , in regard of their paines , he had promised a cup of his Ale ; and therefore willed her to tappe it , and to send him a Jacke thereof to the Church . She beléeuing this his tale to be true , gaue to him the key of the house where it was kept , desiring him to broach it , in respect her sight was so imperfect , that she could not well discerne what she did . Dobson glad of his commission , extended this authority , plaid the bountifull Butler , and did draw forth into tankards ( which he of purpose had prouided ) more then halfe his vncles Ale : yet because he was loath that his vncle should want of his measure , he filled vp the barrell with water which he found there standing in pailes : and surrendring againe the key to the custody of his Aunt , away he went ( as she wéened ) to the Church to his Vncle , but in very déed he returned to his companions , where he had left them shooting in the meadowes , who laughing at Dobsons deceiuing of his Aunt , drunke healthes soliberally one to another , as not one of them was able to goe home , but as Dobson conducted them . The next night ensuing the guests came according to their promise , whom Sir Thomas welcomed with many faire and curteous speeches , much thanking them , that they would vouchsafe to assemble to his poore lodging , and accept of such a poore pittance as he had prouided , which he said was a roasted apple and a cup of Ale , which I dare pawne you my word is the best in Dunholme : and while the apples were at the fire , he willed his house-kéeper to fill a glasse thereof , that they might taste it , and suspend their verdicts how they liked it : his very conceit serued to make it good enough in his iudgement , so that when he tasted , he could not perceiue the commixture : but commending it for singular good , gaue it to him who sate next , willing him to drinke well thereof , for he was very welcome to it : but he espying it pale in the glasse , feared that it was not such as Sir Thomas commended it to be , yet notwithstanding he kiked the cup , and reached to another , and so it went through them all , and yet the better halfe remained vndrunke . Sir. Thomas maruelling to see them leaue so little in the glasse , asked them how they liked the same , for it séemeth by your drinking that it is not such as you looked for : indéed ( said they ) it might be made good againe , with brewing ouer againe , but we haue drunke much better in our liues than it is now , and seldome worse . Wherevpon sir Thomas halfe ashamed so rashly to haue praised it , and in great chaife against his Hostesse , tooke the glasse and tasted it againe , an● drinking the remainder hée swore , that it was more than halfe water , and asked his house-keeper how it came to passe ▪ what ( saith shée ) doe you mislike it now , and could finde no sault with it yesterday ? was it good then , and naughty to night ? Yesterday ( said he ) I neuer tasted it before this present , and how could I then giue iudgement of the good or bad qualitie thereof ? No , ( said his sister ) did not you send our nephew to me yesterday , with commandement to broach it , and to send you a tankard of the same to the Church ? neuer I ( quoth sir Thomas ) in all my life : why then ( said she ) he hath deceiued me , for such message hee brought , and I trusted him and let him to take what he would ; for he assured me , that it was for your selfe , and your friends with you . Dobson hearing this sedule of his Aunt , stole foorth into a place where the Hens sit vpon a fleake , whither he ascended , pulling vp the ladder after him , that no man could come to him but by his permission : his Vncle vpon this relation of his sister , called and sought for Dobson in euery corner of the house , but hée would make no answere ; vntill at the last sir Thomas hearing a rushing vpon the fleake , espied his cock sitting amongst his hens : and after he had thundred foorth some threatning speeches , he commanded him to discend , not so ( good Vncle , saith he ) vnlesse you will first sweare that you will pardon me , I telling you the truth of the matter , and otherwise , rather than I will sustaine your rigorous punishment , I will throw my selfe head-long from hence , and will take it vpon my death , that the very feare of your seueritie hath vrged me so to doe , answere you the lawe as you can . The neighbors intreated sir Thomas to remit to him that fault , and to be pacified , offering all to passe their words , that he should neuer more in such sort offend him : he afraid that the violent fellow would do himselfe some iniurie , at their important suites pardoned him , vpon condition that he would bewray the truth , which hée did , and came downe from the fleake , and to make his Vncle , some kind of satisfaction , he went into the towne and fetcht some better Ale , wherewithall hée intended to entertaine his honest friendes , and louing neighbours all . How Dobson furnished himselfe of a sute of apparrell : and how he vsed his Schoole-fellow . Chap. 9. SIR Thomas , notwithstanding that he pardoned his nephew at the instance of his neighbours , and accepted of his submission for the time , yet seeing him to grow so absolute in knauery , he purposed to hold his nose to the grindstone , and to keepe him at hard meat , he spared his purse , and made him go thinly apparelled , and scarcely sometimes did he allow whole cloathes , but forced him to weare his old rags for want of newe , till they hung in totters about his taile . But Dobson to remedie this necessity , enrolled his vncles name in the Drapers booke , for a sute and a cloake , which his vncle was constrained to discharge for his credite sake . But to preuent him of that meane , he went thorow the Citty amongest all the Clothiers and Millioners , warning them no further to credite him , vnlesse hee bought it with ready mony , the which he shall alwayes haue , if he be sent from me : and whosoeuer shall let him haue any vpon credite , must be glad to stand to his owne perill , for I le not be answerable for any halfe-penny thereof from hence forward . The marchants thereupon would no more register Dobsons name , not so much as for a paire of garters , which putte him ( poore man ) into great discontent , and what shift to make for garments , when these were gone , hée could not deuise : to aske for any of his vncle hée dared not , and hée was debarred of his former proiect , by the which he supposed to haue euer , as he had néeded , to supply that indigence . He must then take some other course , and for once hée fell to stealing , taking away a song made by one of his fellowes , which for the exquisite musicke therein shewed , was highly commended of the whole Quéere . This he purloyning carried into the Country to his vncle Pharoes houle , who had diuers sonnes and daughters that could sing , of whose knowledge in that Arre his vncle was not a little prowd . Dobson therefore to applaud his vncles humor , presented him this Song , telling him how himselfe had made the same : and he , because it was well liked of , and allowed for good consort , that hée thought it no where better bestowed than vppon my coosins your daughters . Maister Pharoe thanked him , and promised to recompence his good will : But first hée called his daughters to sing it ouer , who with their swéete and tuneable voyces much mooued their fathers affection ; themselues also were so much in loue with the descant , that they requested onely to haue it set in their bookes : but Dobson more liberall then they looked to haue found him , fréely bestowed it among them , with this applause ; Good coosins , if this be pleasing vnto you , I will affoord you héereafter more plenty of better stuffe , this is but the simple inuention of my owne rude braine , and not worthy of halfe this commendation : but such as it is , yours it is with all my heart , and I thinke my selfe in your debt for your kinde acceptance thereof . His cousin 's thanked him againe , and beséeched their father to be bounteous towards him . He to satisfie Dobsons exspectation , and to gratifie his daughters request , clothed his kinsman Dobson in a new suite , whereof hée being heartily glad , didde professe to his vncle and coosins to be alwayes at their commaund and seruice , and so returned to Dunholme in that case , where hée kept as much swaggering as before . His vncle sir Thomas maruelled whence he had such a gallant sute , and who had beene so liberall toward him , desired to be informed . It is no matter , saide Dobson , ( good vncle ) since that now I haue them , you may coniecture that I haue compassed them by my wittes , and if you thinke I haue not got them by begging , imagine they are stolne . Sir Thomas thinking it fitte no further to vrge him , suffered the matter to passe without anie further question . At the same instant , a yoong Gentleman , a fellow scholler of his , had a new suite of the same colour and cloth , and hée was of equall make and stature with Dobson , and their backes being towardes the beholders , it was a difficulty to discerne the one from the other , wherewith Dobson was not well content to be chalenged so often for his fellow . To giue the people some speciall note therefore how to distinguish them , he vsed this meane : In the schoole was a great flintie stone , vpon which in the winter time this yong Gentleman was accustomed to sit before the fire : this stone one morning while the other was exercis●d in writing , and gaue no respect vnto what was pr●aised , Dobson caused to be made extreame hote , and pretending to haue some matter of importaunce to impart to the Gentleman , he called him to the fire , and made the stone ready for him to sit vpon , who neither fearing nor thinking of any kind of harme , satchimselfe downe as he was woont , to discourse with Dobson , who propounded a number of extrauagant questions where with to occupy his minde , and whereby to expel from his memorie , all occasions or motiues of rising from his seate , till anone the boy felt an extraordinary heate in his buttockes , yet he sate still , while strait he perceiued that they were ready to broyle , at the which he started vppe halfe astonished , and putting his hand behinde him , to féele if his breeches were not fired : and hée perceiued the greatest parte of them to be burned forth , and a great open to passe thorow cloth , linings , and shert , euen to his naked skinne . The Boy quaked and trembled , being sore amazd with the chance , as not conceiuing how it came to passe . Dobson and his complices sported themselues at the boyes mis hap , and the most of Dobsons familiars in the Towne , to whome notice was giuen thereof , made themselues merry with the boy as hée passed before them in the stréetes , from the Schoole to his Innes , and he was glad to get a patch set vppon the broken place , by which , euer after , hée was knowne from Dobson . ¶ How Dobson tooke vpon him a Gentlemans estate : and how he caused the Ale-wife of Wittan to come before the Commissarie . Chap. 10 IT hath bin a custome of olde , and is yet to this day in the Schooles of Dunholme , for thrée Schollers euery Satterday to be marshaled forth to the woods in the countrey , to prouide birchen roddes for the correction of the disordred and negligent : and obseruing a certaine order therein , it passed quite thorow the whole number of schollers euery halfe yeare . Once Dobson in the winter season , when the weather in those parts is commonly stormy , and the ayre piercing , had alwayes a shift to thrust another forward , and to kéepe himselfe at home : mary in summer , when it séemed a healthfull recreation , it pleased him to kéepe his owne turne and others too , in liew of the paines they had taken for him in the colder time of the yeare . Concerning then a desire to notifie his fame among the countrey men and swaines of the villages , one time when he was appointed in the hinder end of the month of Maie , to accompany Rakebaine and Talifere to the birch woods , he decréed with them to commit some famous ieast , for which to make himselfe memorable . In Witton Iilbert , for thither they were to go for such rubbish as they wanted , and conferring with them of the matter vpon the Friday at night before , they concluded , that he should take vpon him the state of a Gentleman , and that they two should attend him as seruitors , and respectiuely reuerence him as their Maister : determining further , that they would banquet with some good wife for a messe of creame before they returned ; & so examining their purses , their whole stock amounted but to onely thrée pence , which they thought was a great deale too little , and far insufficient to discharge their shot , they hauing an intention to spend royally . But Dobson to animate them forward , willed them to referre the matter to himselfe , and they should sée that he would take such course , as that he would make it serue wel enough with the helpe of his countenance : Therefore Iames ( saith he ) thou must affoord me thy best sute of apparell , thy cloke and rapyer , to attire me withall , that there may be some difference , and that the people may more easily conceiue my gentilitie : and for you , I will borrow two liueries , and two swords , and sée that you play the seruingmen in forme . When I call or speake to you , forget not to stand with your heads vncouered : or if I stand to pisse , you must also stand bare at my backe , after our English fashion . You must worship , and good worshippe me at euery word : to wit , you must take occasion to informe me of somewhat to be done , and then you must frame your spéech in this forme : And it please your good Worship , your Worships Father willed me to put you in mind of a spéedy returne , desiring your Worshippe to remember his businesse , &c. And if any aske you what I am , you shall aunswere , that I am sonne to Maister Chauncellor of Dunholme . And be careful , that in no phrase of spéech , gesture or cariage , that you shew your selues familiar , but attend me with all submission and reuerence . And you executing these instructions , shall sée that I will procure vs indeleable respect amongst the vulgar sort , and all the townes and villages néere about , shal haue cause to speake of Master Chauncellors sonne and his men . And hauing thus receiued their lesson , away they go the Saturday morning toward Witton Iilbert , Dobson in Rakebaines apparel , cloke and rapyer , and his companions in such old liueries as he had borrowed amongst the Prebends , with two il fauoured swords girt to their sides . As they passed along they were met by many multitudes of market folkes , whom that Dobson might stirre them to conceiue of his gentilitie , tooke many occasions to talke with his men : sometimes he would stand still , other sometimes he would hold forth right , at other times also he would suddenly turne him about , at euery which occasion they capped and knéeled in humble and debonaire maner : diuers simple people wondered who it should be : some said certainely he is sonne to some great personage , and hath béene brought vp in ciuill places , for in all our liues wée haue not seene a man so much reuerenced by his seruāts . Others beholding the cariage of his attendants , at their méeting of him , would also cap , knéele , and bid good morrow to his Worship : and this course of complements they continued from Dunholme , while they came to Witton , which by computation is foure miles . When hée came into the towne , hée asked where he might haue same victuals sor himselfe and his men : An Alehouse was presently shewed vnto him , into which he entred , called to the goodwife to make a breakefast ready for him and his men : shée demaunded what it would please his good Worshippe to haue prepared : He answered , that he would haue some new cakes , creame , butter , and such other things as she could affoord : all which she set vpon the table before him incontinent . Master Chauncellors sonne and his men fell to their victuals afresh , their stomackes were pretty good , and they quickly made rid of this prouision , and asked their Hostesse what they had to pay : two pence a man ( said she ) and your Worship is hartily welcome . Alas good woman , that is but sixe pence in the whole : No more , and it please your Worship will I haue at this time for so slender fare ( said the good wife : ) Why then ( said Master Dobson ) turne the cloath againe , we will make her amends : so hée called for more Ale , which she brought of a nut browne colour , as good as needed to be drunke , with great store of new cakes , creame , and custard , chéese also with apples and nuts , she placed on the table againe : of all which they tooke so much as they thought good , and willed her to remoue the residue : then they desired againe to know their shot for altogether : she told them , that for the whole they must pay twenty pence . What , said Master Dobson , ( hauing but thrée pence to defray all ) was it now but sixe pence , and wilt thou make this last , being much worse , trebble the first ? Nay gogs heart , I will teach thée a tricke for that . Good sir ( said the woman ) I cannot well haue lesse , if I should be a sauer by you , and I trust you do not wish my losse . No ( saith Maister Dobsen ) neither yet shalt thou make a foole of me and so cousin mée . But I pray tell me one thing , haue you a licence to keepe an alehouse ? Yea sir that I haue , and vnder master chauncellours owne hand and seale : Why and he is my father , saide M. Dobson : but séeing thou hast no better a conscience than thus to extort men , I will haue it disallowed , and therefore I doe charge thée , as thou wilt answer the contrary , at thy perill , that vppon Friday next thou make thy apparance before my father in the Chauncery , where I will sée how thou canst answer this irreligious dealing , and also haue thy licence surueyed , that if there can be any aduantage at all taken thereat , I will haue it defaced , and thy selfe punished , as thou doost deserue . The poore woman starued with feare vppon this hard sentence pronounced , fell prostrate at his feete , beséeching him to pardon her , for that shee had not vsed him as his worshipfull calling required : but the fault was in her ignorance of his person and woorth . She also prayed him to be fauourable vnto her , and to take compassion of her miserable estate , for shee was mother of fiue small children , and had not where with all for to maintaine them , besides that poore trade , and her husbandes handy labour , and for that shotte shée was content with all her very heart to remitte it , and that hée should commaund , not onely then , but at all other times , whatsoeuer was within her poore house that in any respect might doe him pleasure . Well ( saicty hée ) I scorne to offer iniurie , to either thée , or to any of my inferiours : but , as I will not harme them , so they shall not abuse me . And as for the shot I will defray it euerie farthing : but faile not thou to come before my father , as I haue prescribed , when I will haue you better instructed what appertaineth to your trade , than I coniecture you doe vnderstand . And so goe fill your shotte pot , and you shall haue your money . The goodwife quaking euery bone , went to her caller for more ale , but in the meane time Maister Chauncellours sonne leauing onely thrée pence vpon the Table for the whole discharge , conueyed himselfe and his men forth of the house , and closely stole into the woods , where euery man loading himselfe with burch , in the éeuening they returned to the citty by a secret and priuate passage . The goodwife , after they were gone , was forced to content her selfe with what they had left , not knowing how to recouer the residue : and carefull shée remained all the wéeke after , for her appearaunce to be made before Master Chauncellour . She related to her husband at night what accident shée had that morning , his feare was double hers , and hée chafed and chid her apace , and had wel-nie beaten her , for demaunding so much , and for that shée had no better respected him : for now ( saith he ) hast thou , through thy couetousnesse , vndone vs all for euer : for if thy licence be taken from thée , as by likelihoode it must néedes , we may all goe begge , and so daunted was hée with the newes that hée could not tell how to aduise her . But going to the Church the morrow after , he asked Maister Vicar and all his neighbours counsell , desiring them to direct him what was best to be done in this matter . They , to sée their neighbour in such a difficulty , laide their heades together , and concluded , that his wife should goe and let her licence be séene , and that shée also should make rehersall of all that which had passed betwixt her and them , omitting no circumstance . And wée ( saide they ) will all ioyne in petition to Maister Chauncellour , to permit her to prastise her trade , which petition Maister Vicar presently framed , and they confirmed , by subscribing thereto their names , and deliuering it to their neighbor . And that they might bring into some comfort whome they sée cleane out of heart with the feares he conceiued héerevpon , they chéered him with many faire spéeches , promising , that he should not fall , if their helps could sustaine or proppe him vppe . After dinner , the better to incorage him , they all came to drinke at his house , and to repaire the domage which she his wife had receiued by Maister Dobson . And so plentifully maister Vicar , and the good-fellowes of his parish tooke their cuppes , that not a man amongest them , but that hee receiued a wound in his head , and for Maister vicar , he was not able for that night reade his Seruice , but perceiuing himselfe hurt , he requested his hostesse to fit him of a bed , for that night , whereunto shée most willingly assented . But this rested vntill friday morning , when vp arose the Ale-wife betimes , put on her fairest smocke , peticoate of good broad red , her gowne of grey , faced with buckeram , her square thrumd hatte , and before her shée hung a cleane white apron , and putting her petition into the boxe , with her licence , shée takes her way to Dunholme , there to attend her calling in , to answer before Maister Chauncellour , but there shée stayed all the fore noone , exspecting when Maister Dobson would bring her to hir appearance , much maruelling that no man did acknowledge her , neyther question with her as concerning her businesse . Shée had speciall care to espie Maister Chauncellours sonne in the throng , and not able to fixe her eies vpon him , she supposed that he was not accustomed to come abroad so early , albeit she attended there before the Chauncery office doore , from halfe an houre past seauen in the morning , vntill almost twelue , when the Court rose and went to dinner : shée earnestly desired to haue a dispatch , but how to effect her desire she could not deuise , for she was vnknowne to all , and they in like sort were all straungers to her , and Maister Dobson had forgotten the strict charge he imposed vpon her the satterday afore-going , neyther sought he to exhibite any Bill of Complaint against her . She séeing no person to respect her , albeit shée was in a laborinth of conceits , sometimes of retiring , otherwhile of staying til shée might sée the vttermost : she also thoght it conuenient to take a little meate in the Towne at a kinsmans house of hers there dwelling , to whome she reuealed her whole case , and requested his counsell : Hée thought it fitte that she should attend alittle further , to see if she were inquired after , which if you be not coosin ( saide he ) I wil make meanes my selfe to Maister Chancellour that you may be dispatched and so depart home . At one of the clocke when the Court was to sit againe , he came along with her toward the Chauncery . Maister Dobson sitting in an olde fréeze gowne before the north gate of the Cathedrall , espied his Hostesse , and remembring himselfe , that it was friday , imagined , without further discourse , the cause of her being there : and being ashamed to present himselfe into her sight , he closely conueyed him selfe from her view , yet thought hee good to ride her once againe like a countrey iade , and thereupon he went to one of the Clarkes of the Chancery , and acquainted him with the whole matter , desiring him to take some course for the ending of her businesse , and to set her packing : for during her abode in the Towne , I shal be constrained ( saide he ) like the Fore , to kéepe my hole . The Clearke promised to order the matter wellenough , but he either forgetting himselfe , or troubled with so much other businesse , that he could not regarde it , suffered her to stay vntill thrée of the clocke vncalled for . Whereat her coosin , grieued with her attendaunce , boldly stept into the Chauncery , tolde Maister Chauncellour her case , and desired his good worship , that foorth of his accustomed clemency he would let her come to her answer , that shée might know what shée were to trust vnto . The Chauncellour hearing such reportes to his sonnes disgrace , in publique court , was greatly offended therewith , and caused her to be brought in , and demaunded of her if she would iustifie those things , or not . Yea , quoth she , I will be deposed that all these reportes of my coosin be most true , and in witnesse thereof , héere are the handes and names of our Curate , and principall men of our parish . Well quoth Master Chauncollour , Thou naughty woman , I will haue thée made an example to all the world for slaundering my sonne with so much vntrueth : for the very day before thou reportest this acte to be done , I sent him to Yorke about important businesse of mine owne , and the Churches , and as yet he is not returned , neither , if he had béene at home shouldest thou make me to beléeue that he would haue so much abused himselfe . O good Maister Chauncelour ( said she ) for the pitty of almighty God , reade my testimoniall , and you shall know thereby , that I haue spoke nothing but the plaine trueth , which if it appeare not to be so , then spare no punishment . He , although hée rested assured of his sonnes innocencie , yet because the simplenesse of the woman perswaded him that she could not contriue it , and also séeing her so earnestly to insist vppon the verification thereof , hée conceiued that some had done her iniury , and fathered the matter vpon his sonne : he therfore tooke her petition , and read it openly , which contained thus much in effect . Humbly beséecheth your good worship , father Chancellor , you daily Orators , the Vicar and parishioners of Wittan Iilbert , in the behalfe of this poore woman , our common Hostesse of the same Towne and Parish , that whereas , vpon the fiue and twentieth day of Maie instant , your worships sonite and sole heire , accompanied with two men onely , repaired to the house of our saide Hostesse , and there calling for Ale , Cakes , Creame , Curds , Custard , Chéese , Apples and Nuts , had all the same things afforded in plentifull manner by our said Hostesse : whereof although but thrée in number , and also pretending themselues gentlemen , they ate so much as would haue sufficed sixe stal-worth men , as with vs are set to plowe and waine , and when our hostesse did demaund of them ( as right would she should ) but a reasonable recompense , and much lesse than they had taken of hers , they quarrelled with her , and like cozoning fellowes ( if not your worships sonne and seruants ) they théeuishly departed , leauing all vndischarged except thrée pence , which they shamefully left on the table behinde them , whilst she was gone to fill their shot-pot , hauing before threatned her to haue her licence disallowed , and vpon this day inioyned her to make her appearance before your worship in this Court , and there to haue her licence surueied , which we beséech you to confirme , and ratifie , for she is the best Hostesse that euer must be in Wittan Iilbert , and better Ale is no where brewed than shee doth make ; for one pot thereof taken in the morning , keepeth the heart warme all the day after : In your great charitie therefore wee humbly petitioning you , as you are a worthy Chancellor , to tender all our cases , and in regard thereof we will acquite and defray all that your sonne is to her indebted for that dayes worke ; Wée ( I say ) whose names are here vnder-set . Iames Nichols Curate of Wittan Iilbert . Church-wardens . William Snathe Geffrey Harebotle Constables . William Lonsdaile Matthew Sharpe Cum multis alijs quod nunc perscribere longum est . The Chauncellor and Court laughed along time at the subiect of this petition , and vnderstanding the poore wiues simplicity by some péeuish brain abused , surrendred to her againe her licence , which shée there had shewed , willing her fréely to practise her trade : and for she had receiued wrong vnder the name of his sonne , hée repayed her with a French crowne , willing her also to speake well of the Chancellor and his friends , and assuring her that it was not his sonne , but some cozoning companions who had vsed his sonnes name , to abuse her thereby , dispatched her away . For which curtesie she humbly thanked him on her knées , & hyed her home to acquaint her husband and neighbours of her good successe : for ioy whereof they were all drunke the Sunday ensuing . How Dobson stole a goose and Roasted her . Chap. II. IN the suburbs of Dunholme , the Monkes of the Abbey had a certaine house of recreation , in the which euery moneth once , in the summer time , they were assembled to pastime themselues in the orchards walks and gardens , which they had there planted : while their orders continued vndissolued : but when they were reformed and reduced to a Deane and Chapiter , they leased , and let forth all such places to Gentlemen of the Countrey . This house called the Hall-yerds , they farmed to one Monsieur du Pome , a merchant of the citty , who for his house prouision had alwayes there a house of Poultry . Dobson promised his fellowes a feast , albeit he was not alwayes the best prouided of money , so about the Michaelmasse , when goose flesh commeth into request , he made an arrand to the Hallyerds , where such shift he made , as away he brought a goose without note or suspition , he shrowded it closely vnder his gowne , and lest that either he might be pursued , or the gander should cry and so indanger him of apprehension , he refused the stréetes , and tooke his passage alongst the riuer side to a bridge called Pons Laurentis , which directly carried him into the Abbey . But in the way ( as it fortuned ) he was met by the owner of the same , who for his pleasure came walking by the same passage to the Hall yerds , to take accompt of his seruants labours , and to sée his houses and cattell . The merchant in their méeting espying a substanre of a white colour vnder his gowne , demaunded what hée had there : Nothing said Dobson , but my Surplesse , which I haue béene fetching from my Laundresse , for it is almost Euensong time . That is well done ( said the merchant ) and making no further question with him , they sundred , the one taking his course to his farme , and the other to the schoole , where hée left his gander vntill Euensong was ended , when he conueyed him to his old hoast-house at the signe of the Bore , where they got him made fit for the broach . And vpon monday morning intending to performe his promised banquet , he prouided a broach , and all other things requisite , and caused a fire to be built in a sellar vnder the Schoole , he set his fellows to worke , playing the maister Cooke himselfe , he assigned euery one of those whom he had acquainted with the matter to a seuerall office . The goose as she beganne to roste more ripely , sauored so all ouer the schoole , that master Bromeley very sensibly perceiued the same , and demaunded what it should be , or from when ce it came : no man durst bewray the trueth , for feare of Dobsons indignation . But Maister Bromeley missing him and diuers others , inquired how they had bestowed themselues . Whereunto answer was made , that they were in the lower house . He suspecting that they were about the acting of some roguery , whirred downe the staires , wéening to haue trapped them , but he found a snecke before his snowt , the doores were so strongly boulted against him , that there he might not come but by licence . Vsing then his authoritie , he knocked lustily , and commaunded Dobson to open the doores , for he would come in to sée what they had to doe there . Oh no , quoth Dobson , for Gods sake come not héere sir , for you are not able to indure the stinch of this place , it is so mighty , that it will hazard your strangling : for this last night , in the raine which fel there are come downe such a multitude of frogs and other vermine into this house , that no man is able to set foote vpon any ground for them : and therefore , lest they should be the cause of any infection in this house , if they should continue vntill Summer , wée haue made a fire to burne them , whereof proceedes this terrible stinch which you taste , and from which we pray you to absent your selfe . Gods blessing haue thy heart , quoth master Bromeley , I pray thee leaue not one of them aliue , and when you haue finished your worke , let me haue intelligence thereof : for vntill such time as you haue dispatcht , I will leaue the Schoole , and commit the performaunce of this busines to thy care and prouidence , wherein Dobson promised to be very vigilant and respectiue , gladde to haue so easily possessed his master with a false suggestion : and so , when the goose was roasted to their contentment , they ate her all to the bones , Dobson and his best estéemd friends : which being done , they sent to aduertise their Maister , that hée might returne at his pleasure , for they had cleared the coast of all these mis-shapen monsters , and had perfumed the Schoole with burning of frankensence . How Dobson deuised a holiday , and indangered his fellowes a whipping . Chap. 12 DObson , at eightéene yeares of age , had so well profited in Musike , and in the Latine tongue , that he was supposed fit for the Vniuersity , whither his vnckle had intended to send him so soone as his voice changed . But he desirous to haue his name notorious in the Schoole , and to giue his fellowes often cause to speake of him after his departure , hée set down with himself to play one famous iest more among them . And hauing prepared their affections with this aforesaid solempne banquet , he thought them so confident of his good meaning , that they would neuer apprehend any sinister conceit of his actions . One morning therefore about Midsummer after the ordinary prayers sung in the Cathedral , they were marching toward the schoole as at other times . Dobson hauing fore ▪ thought his purpose , asked them what they intended to doe , what other shoulde we doe but goe to the Schoole ? To the Schoole , ( quoth Dobson ) and it a holiday ? that were sporte for a Tayler : I beleeue you cannot make me such a foole . And why aunswered they , we haue heard of no such festiual , and if it be any , t is more than we doe know . Why that may very well be so : but I dare warrant you , that it is holiday , and thereof I am most certaine , for otherwise Batte Midforths shoppe would haue beene open , as vpon other working daies it is wont to be : or neuer since my comming to the towne haue I séene it shut , but vpon Sundayes and principall feasts , so that I am well perswaded , that it is some speciall solemmtie this day ▪ neyther is it to be doubted , but that it hath beene proclaymed in the Churches , or at least in the parish of Sainct Nicholas , albeit wee haue not heard thereof , and that he knoweth welenough : for else ( without all question ) his shoppe had not beene shutte in more this day than yesterday . This Batte Midforth was of the Gentle Craft of Translators , and cobling of bootes and shooes he won his liuelihoode : euery morning was hée accustomed to open his shoppe betimes , singing like the Nightingale , and working apace , if , as Dobson saide , it were not holiday , whereof he neuer violated or brake any one , but obserued them all , very deuoutly frequenting the church and sermons , at the least two times vppon euery such day . This morning as it fortuned , he was gone into the Countrey , he and his wife , to visit his wiues mother , who laboured of a quotidian feuer , and fearing death , had sent for them to be at the making of her last will and testament , as also to see her interred according to her estate and desire . Dobson then finding his shop windows shut vp , vrged it for a certaine testimonie to proue thereby a holyday , knowing that a more forcible instance could not haue béene by him aleadged , than that whereof themselues could all be testificants : and thereby he so staggered their vnderstandings , that they could not resolue what to do . Gladly they would haue apprehended the occasion of a dayes libertie , if they could haue deuised how to haue satisfied their Maister of this , they knew not what solemne Feast day , but because they could not conceiue how that might be inculcate , they passed on still toward the schoole . Dobson séeing them so forward , turned his backe , and bid God spéed them well : for as for me you shall goe alone , let no man trust me euer while I liue , if I come within the schoole doores this day . They perceiuing him to séeme offended , told him , that they were as willing as he to accept of the time , if they could be excused at their Masters hands . Leaue the dispatch of that matter to me ( quoth Dobson ) I will be aduocate for vs all , if you will ioyne with me this day , and conuent some good fellows at the Moorehouse , where I haue appointed a breakefast , and a match of shooting , I will discharge you of all blame at our Maisters hands , and thereof be you not afraid . Vpon which condition they al agréed t' attend him , which way soeuer it liked him to go . Well then ( s●id he ) fet your bowes , and walke toward the Bellowes mede : if I be not there before you , fa●l to shoot till my comming . In the meane time I will attend at the Schoole doore till our Masters repaire , to whom I will shew how it is holyday : which done , I will not be long absent from you , when we will go to the place appointed . Euery man allowing this course , fet his artillerie , and marched forth of the Abbey , with whom Dobson went along , euen vntill they came almost to the place where he had assigned them to stay : then he returned to informe Maister Bromley as he promised of the festiuall : and making as much hast as possibly he could , to preuent his Maisters comming , he tooke his seate close at the Schoole doore , lapped in his gowne as he had been a cold . About the houre of eight of the clocke Maister Bromeley came and bid him good morrow , demaunding the cause of his sitting there alone , and why he was not in the Schoole ? Sir ( saith he ) the doore is shut , and I cannot tel how to enter , and all the residue of my fellowes be gone abroad to shoot , and would haue had me to accompanie them , affirming it to be holyday : But because I could not tell what festiuall it should be , neither haue heard that it was so published in any Church of the Towne , I dared not presume to goe with them : partly , bicause I feared your offence , and partly , because I could not imagine what holyday it should be , for I espy all sorts of Citizens and Artizans in their shops , as vpon working dayes : yet notwithstanding all the reasons I produced to ouerthrow such their opinion , I could not perswade them to stay till your pleasure therein were knowne . But laughing at my timors , away they went globating to the fields . Maister Bromeley first examining the day and time of the yeare , lest haply it might be some Apostles or other Saints day : that either by the prescript of the Church , or the general custome of the Country , was to be kept holy , could not call to his remembrance that it was any such : and therefore he gaue Dobson in commission , to goe and commaund them all to repaire to the Schoole : with which his charge he departed , leauing his Maister to walke his stations before the portall . When he came to the place where they were earnestly shooting : Gentles ( said he ) I am come from our Maister , to intreat your helps a little . There are diuers Gentlemen of good sort yesternight come from London , who are trauelling toward Barwicke : and they haue sought forth our Maister this morning betimes , desiring to sée our Schoole , and the number of schollers , requesting also that wée may giue them a song : and haue brought themselues diuersitie of descant , lately set forth by Maister Bird Doctor of our Arte. Our Maister did know it to be holyday before I told him , and therefore was much solicited how to get vs assembled together because of the same . That he might gratifie the straungers desires , and for ioy that I was so nigh at hand , he hath promised vs another day of recreation , when we shall think fit to call for the same . They taking all his sentences for Oracles , without further delay , in hope of their Maisters future fauour , and some reward of the Gentlemen , hurled homeward in heapes , bestowing their artillery to the custodie of their acquaintances in the way , striuing who should come first home . But when they came within the Cathedral , and did see their master kéeping his ward alone , their copies changde , and wished with all their hearts they had béene away : but Dobson séeing them to be so daunted , incouraged them to goe forward , implying to them , that the strangers were but gone to take a viewe of some of the ancient monuments in the Chancellour shrine of S. Cuthbert till their comming : and to release them of all feares , himselfe stept formost into the Schoole . When euery man was seated in his place , disputing what would be the issue of their calling home , M. Bromeley bolting the doore so fast that none could escape forth , examined the cause , why they had neglected the schoole without his licence , and did not rather follow Dobsons aduise , which was , to haue acquainted him first , that it was a solemnitie of some Saint , either kept of custome , or commanded , which if by their collections they could haue made plaine , then he would not haue detained them against any auntient and approoued custome of the Schoole . They by these propositions seating how the case stood , had no better excuse to cleare themselues , then to blame the blame-worthy , and so at large related , how by him they were induced thereunto , standing all to affirme it in his face , and their testimonies so strongly charging him , could not descerne any fault in them worthy of chastisment , but turned all his anger vpon this pregnant deuiser , who well merited the whip , and was commanded to prepare his bréech for the strappado . But when hée perceiued that no reply of his against their assertion could be taken , neither any entreatie or promise of amendement procure his pardon , he skipped into an olde Jakes in the Schoole , whereinto they vsed to throwe all their filthy dust and swéepings , protesting that foorth of that place he would neuer come , vnlesse that his master would solemnly sweare to remit and forgiue vnto him all offences past : and if that any disaster shall ouer-take me in this place ( saith he ) I will take it vpon my death , that the feare I conceiue of your barbarous vsage of me is the cause thereof , answere it as you can ; you will finde that I haue parents will seeke for no lesse satisfaction then the lawe will allow them . M. Bromeley doubtfull that he had béen madde or lunaticke by his desperate behauior , intreated him to come foorth , swearing vpon the Bible , that he would not onely release him , but pardon all the rest : vpon which his deposition made , Dobson by the helpe of a rope which was cast downe vnto him ▪ ascended foorth of the pit , and was reconciled to his Ma. and schoole fellowes . After which time he desisted from further practizing against them , béeing sent by his Vncle within a wéekes space to the Vuiuersitie of Cambridge . Of Dobsons intertainment at Cambridge : and of his disputes there kept in the publike Schooles . Chap. 13. SIr Thomas béeing let to vnderstand , by the Maisters of the Schooles , that his nephew was fit for the Vniuersitie , acquainted M. Deane therewith , requesting his good help and furtherance toward his placing in some good estate , whereby hée might be the rather mooued to continue and set himselfe to his studies with more facilitie , such impediments being cut off as a number , who forced to attend , in respect of their lacke of maintenance , can hardly allot themselues any time to their bookes . And therefore he prayed Maister Deane to commend him by Letters to such his friends as his worship did know could steade him for his promoting to a schollership , when the time of Election should come , that he might haue that helpe , together with the money which he had reserued of his Chorisiers stipend for his exhibition , which there hee made accompt of to maister Deane , that he entirely saued and kept it according as his worshippe had commaunded for that end and purpose . Maister Deane , for sir Thomas his sake , whome he loued more than any Canonist in the church , was willing to doe whatsoeuer hée desired , is farre forth , as his Letters and credite in those places would extend : and at the time of his setting forward , foorth of his owne coffers hée gaue vnto him as towards his viaticum , tenne markes in liberalitie , and fiue other to bestow vpon his study : he writ also in friendly manner to the Maister and Fellowes of Christs Colledge , intreating them to entertaine him as his poore scholler , and that when a Scholership came into their gift , which by the statutes of their house they might dispose of , hée then desired that ( no misdemeanor of him to the contrary them inhibiting ) to admit him thereunto , and himselfe would take it as a fauour extended vnto him , neyther would be negligent in the requitall of such a courtesie . And before he sealed , he read them vnto sir Thomas , who humbly thanked him for these vndeserued fauors , promising , that for such his worshipful goodnesse and respect , he and his nephew shuld remaine his daily beadsmen vntil death . And receiuing the money and letters of Maister Deane , he tooke his leaue , and the next daie hée dispatched away Dobson , with diuers others that intended the same course , waging a carrier to conduct and guide them thither , where hée found as good welcome as could be wished for , in regarde of maister Deanes Letters , the effect of which euery man desired to accomplish , and the Maister himselfe assigned him a Tutor , and carefully supplyed all his wants , assuming him into a Schollers place , by the assent of all the fellows within three wéekes of his comming thither , although that the time of Election was not vntill Michaelmasse after , a full halfe yéere from the time of his installing . Hée carried himselfe very respectiuely til hée had perfitly learned all the customes and fashions of the Vniuersitie , and so diligently setled himselfe to his booke , as by the estimate of all hée was accompted the best Student in the House , and so exact he became in the interpreters of the Logicke and Philosophy , that there was not one of his classe able to equall him in dispute , or canuasse an Argument with such dexteritie . In this course did he kéepe himselfe thrée yeares , vntill he was called to the publike schooles , to hold his disputes in open audience of the Vniuersitie , when hée rushed againe into his olde humours . And the first that opposed himselfe to Dobson in the Schooles was a Welchman : the first . of whose questions was : An aër sit substantia corporea : Dobson answered : If Wallus may be Gallus , aër sit substantia corporea . The Welchman cauelled againe , vntill by the Moderator they were inioyned to goe to the question , and to dispute it syllogisticè . The opponent vrging an argument very captiously , was taken at the rebound , and beaten with his owne Racket . Dobson escrying the Eleuch , shewed him the falsitie of the Sophisme , and made him cléere with a distinction : and so , that staffe being broken , he tooke a stronger by the end ( as he imagined ) but héerein Dobson so abased him , that the Welchman descended the Pulpit , and would faine haue pulled him by the eares , if by the audience hée had not beene interrupted , who perswaded him the contrary , wherein ( no doubt ) they were greatly his hinderance , for if his charitie had béene to haue lent , I coniecture hée should haue had his owne repaied with vsurio . Dobson prepared to haue restored him the curtesie of the towne , and bearing a gentlemanly minde , hee resolued to haue bestowed two for one , scorning to be in his debt . And of méere good wil , to prouoke the Welchmans appetite , he had brought with him , in a little linnen bagge , a penyworth of chéese , and asise of bread , which at the propounding of the second Argument , taking the bagge foorth of his pocket , hee spread it vpon the pulpit , and set thercon the bread and chéese , and saide , because I thought by your complexion , that there was some diet which troubled your stomacke for want of temperd digestion , I haue prouided for you ; Porrige igitur & manduca , gratias agens ; reach to therefore , and eate , giuing thankes . It were pitty your mother should lose a sonne by a surffet . Charitie then hath moued me to prescribe you the best phisicke I know of : and sure it is most correspondent to a man of your constitution . Aiax perceiuing it a vanity to deale with Vlysses , offered him the Gauntlet , and forsaking his piew , with folded fist he made toward Dobson with a buffet , who met at the halfe sword : but they had scarcely changed a couple of blowes , but they were diuided , and commanded , either to procéede informa , or to giue place to some better prepared , Dobson retired to his settle , exspecting another Argument . But the Welch man was without ; his braines were troubled with this obiect , that for his life hée could not frame any further dispute , and so descending with disgrace for that time he departed the Schooles , but Dobson continued foorth his time , answering all opponents whatsoeuer , and so sufficiently , and with such learning , that his fame thereupon grew to be great in the generall opinion of the Vniuersitie , and the Welch man generally for euer after auoyded to take the pulpit against him . Of Dobsons second dispute against the Kentishmen : of his abuse of them : and of his sending to Bocardo . Chap. 14. IN the terme following , he was assigned to be defendant in questions of philosophy against certaine Kentishmen , with whom he conceiued to haue a more doubtful conflict , knowing the most parte of them to be serious students , captious , pregnant , couragious , and indowed with singular quicke apprehensions , and so many in number that he feared to be suppressed with multitudes , yet notwithstanding he deuised how to close their mouthes with a couer of plate ; and albeit they might hap to insult ouer him , by their speculatiue knowledge , yet in practicall sciences he was confident to haue the superioritie . And against the day of his conference with them he thus prouided , he went to a painter in the citie , and procured him to draw at large and in liuely colours , a kennell of Foxes , marching in array of battaile and loaden with the spotles of their enemies , in the foreward was Reynold with a Caualieros cap of tawny hue , circled with a band of gold and pearle , to which was fastned a bunch of blacke and red fethers , importing death , and ouer spreading his crowne , like a canopy , in his mouth he caried by the necke two slaughtered souldiers , the one a white gāder whose body he had hung vpon his right shoulder behinde , & vpon the left he bare the corps of a very faire red cocke , with some blacke & white freakles vpon the breast , & at the ioyuture of his taile to the ridge bone , they had placed ( like a Portmantua ) the carkasses of halfe a dozen yonger poultry : all which by maine force he had taken in the fight , & put to the sword : with him was ranked on the left hand , dame Ermeline his wife , clothed in a gowne of gray cundested satin : her hat was white , and the band of siluered tinzell , with a bunch of blew and yellow feathers , which ouer-shadowed her browes forwarde , and detended her face from the scorching heate of the sunne , shee reputing her selfe in prowesse nothing inferior to sir Reynold , and that the worl● might beare witnesse that her valour was such : he had spotles also to testifie the same , a gray goole , and a speckled hen , with sire sister chickens , whome by dim of sword , she had subdued and slaughtered . After them followed in good order a litter of yong Cubbes euery one whereof gaue testimony by their aboundance of prey , that a great ouerthrow had béen giuen to their enemies , and that the victory was wholly theirs , some carried the spoiles of the conies , other of Duckes , and some Pidgeons , onely the hinde most was plagued skipping at a bunch of grapes , but could not catch them : their tailes were painted of a large and ample sise , brushing the ground where they séemed to pace ; and vpon the florish of each thereof which bunched thicke , toward the end was artificially deuised inscriptions , containing their names , offices , and the exploites by them atchiued , and the armes of Kent in white and blew stremers , in a field of Sable . When all these things were thus done ( as he directed ) he discharged the Painter for his worke-manship , and conueied the Pagient to his chamber , till the day of his answere of the Kentish opponent : when the time prefixed came , they repaired to the schooles , a little before the houre appointed , & caused a scréene to be set vpright in veiw of his aduersarie , he fastened thereupon in a table of wood the foresaid pageant , drawing a veile before it , to kéepe it foorth of sight , vntill hée thought fitte to discouer it , certaine Poemes he annexed as examplifications of the Pageant : which because I will not be offensiue to the Kentish-men , I passe ouer to a double post . When the clocke had striken , and they flocked to the Schooles from euery Colledge of the Vniuersity , to heare the questions in controuersie decided betwixt the Northerne & Kentishmen , Dobson was elected Primate of the Northerne companies , who came as defendants : and as beseemed a noble harted Combatant , he entred the listes couragiously , animating his fellowes to second him in semblable fortitudes and magnanimity , and with vn daunted spirites , promising so to blunt al their weapons that not one shoulde haue power to pierce him . And because it concerned the credit of himselfe and all his countreimen , he kept his actes with asmuch good order and formality as hee coulde possibly make shewe of : and such excesse of learning he shewed in the whole placing thereof , as all admired his singular science & knowledge : he put downe & droue two of thē to a non plus , the third ascended the piew , whom also he quickely shifted frō the Saddle : and because he would haue no commendations perished , by any of his fellows which himselfe had purchased , he vnmasked the sciéene , and layd to there view the Kentish description , at which sight all the audience swelled with laughing . But the kentishmen not brookeing this abuse , without any further prosecuting of their questions , made an vprore in the Schooles , and hauing no other weapons but their fists , they went to good sad buffets the Northerne & Kentishmen , neither could all the residue set them asunder , vntill the porters were sent for by whome they were admonished to desist , and for that time expelled the Schooles , Dobson and some others of the principals of both parties were sent to Bocardo , where they remained vntill course was taken for their good behauiour in the Schooles in all futurity of times . How Dobson kept his third dispute in publike Schooles against one Malgrado , a fellow student of Christs Colledge , and of his expelling the Vniuersitie . Chap. 15 THe Maister of Christs Colledge became Dobsons securitie , vpon promise to forbeare these prouocations of brawles , which if he did not , he threatened to stay his Bachelors grace , & to expell him the Colledge , depriuing him of all meanes of further progace and maintenance , which inhibition he nothing respected . The very next time he was inioyned to kéepe his third act in publike , in which he was to deale with one of his owne Colledge , with whom alas hée knew a fault , and therefore more boldly aduentured to play the wanton , contrary to the Maisters admonishment . This Malgrado ( for so was the other disputant surnamed ) loued a Laundresse daughter of the Colledge , whom he many times harboured in his chamber , contrary to the statutes of their house : and at such times when she came either to fet or bring his clothes to or from washing , he would priuily conuey her into his studie , as opportunitie best fitted his purpose , and there many times the accompanied him for the space of foure or fiue dayes , and sometimes more , being letted of fit dispatching her away by some of his fellowes , whom vpon some extraordinarie kindnesse noted betwixt them , priuily watched their familiar vsage of one another , to whom he gaue diligent respect that they might not take him napping . Dobson suggesting all occasions he could aduise vpon , to bolt forth the truth , at last catched the Cat in the Mouse-fall . Malgrado liuing in Pensioners common , when it pleased his guest to diet with him , was accustomed to sise either of the Cookes , or amongst the Schollers a whole messe of meat , which his large prouision first bred obseruation , and after betraied his cause ; for Dobson and his associats by this meanes discouered the Cat in a casket : which came thus to passe . One Sunday at the afternoone , when the most part of Students were gone abroad , some to heare Sermons , other to take the ayre in the fields , as euery mans disposition allotted him , Malgrado had appointed his friend to resort to his chamber , into the which he safely conducted her in respect of their absence , purposing that while they continued at the Sermons , he would that with her a little , and so dismisse her before their returne : But such content he tooke in her company , that he forgot himselfe , and was forced to stay her all the night : for at euening time they al came home to the Colledge , because no man durst absent himselfe from prayer , and so Malgrado was constrained to go thither also , suspecting that if he abstained , it might occasionate his chamber to be searched , and then it was not possible for his friend to auoid their sight , he hauing no conueyance wherein to conceale her , but onely a basket which he hung aloft in his chamber , binding it with two strong ropes to a crosse beame , wherein vsually he thrust her , if he feared the presence of any of his fellowes , hauing so deuised , that the end of the rope passing through the wall of his studie , he might wind vp and downe the basket at his pleasure . He therefore compelld to kéep her til he might gaine a conuenient time to set her packing , was vrged that night to sise double commons , and from the Cookes he carried a shoulder of mutton , not without the obseruation of Dobson and diuers of his fellowes , who said nothing wherby he might perceiue their suspicions , yet assured themselues that mistresse Debora was a bidden guest . And when they conceiued him and his familiar to be in the middest of their supper , vp the staires they rushed with a Porters staste to haue carried them both to the Tole boothe , but he preuented their soden entrance , by bolting the doore against them , which he kept shut vntill he had bestowed her into the basket , and drawne it vp as high as the beame whereunto it was fastened : which done he set open the doores and let them enter , and to search his chamber in euerie corner , but they could find nothing , till being readie to depart , saith Dobson , fellow Malgrado , I supposed that you shed a shoulder of mutton to supper , what haue you done with the remainder , surely my commons were so stender , that I intended at my comming hither to haue mended my fare with you , if this vnruly rabble had not interrupted me : and therefore I pray thee if thou hast any left , let vs haue it , and we will fetch some beere and be merry . Faith ( saith Malgrado ) I haue left some little , but that I haue giuen to my Cat , which I keepe here in my basket to kill my Rats , and she I thinke by this hath pared the residue to the bone . If that be so said Dobson , then didst thou either eate very much , or thy Cat was greatly hungry . But I pray thée let vs sée , it shall be very sore fowled , if I take not part with her of that which is behind . But Malgrado fearing that his pelicies would appeare , crcused the matter , and said , that it could not be but that the Cat had made it past mans eating . Notwithstanding ( said Dobson ) I will not beleeue it , vnlesse I see it , neither shall this shift serue to saue your vinuals , and making no more to do , cut the rope in sunder with a Halbert , when downe came Mistress Debora in the basket , and in her fall she cryed , O helpe friend Malgrado , or I perish , but she had no supporters vntill she came vpon the chamber where she was relieued with more attendanes then she desired , and that the truth of her cōming thither might be manifested , the Masters and fellowes were sent for to take her examination , who hauing really confessed her acquaintance and familiarity with Malgrado , with promise neuer more to frequent his company ( especially in the Colledge ) she was let to goe without further punishment , & Malgrado was admonished vpon the paine of expulsion to abstaine from such acquaintance with all women whatsoeuer , during the time of his stay in the Colledge . Dobson therefore hauing this blot in Malgradoes booke , versified vpon this theame at large in the publique audience , vpon the day of their dispute , and to quite Malgradoes oratory who excelled Dobson in Rethoricke , yea and in rayling too , when they had disputed their first question , Dobson drewe forth from vnder his gowne a basket which of purpose he had prouided , and lifting vp the couer , forth skippeth a Cat , offering to run away , but Dobson catching her by the tayle , said , nay I beseech you to stay good Mistris Debora , you shall suppe before you passe , for your familiar friend Malgrado hath sised a shoulder of motton which he drawing forth of the basket preferred to the poore amased Cat , who shreeking & crying scratched him by the fingers vntill she was deliuered : the Schooles were admired of the mystery , neither did any man knowe what cōstruction to giue thereto , while Dobson vnfolded all the former circumstances , which the audience hearing , thrust Malgrado from the Pulpit and gaue Dobson a generall applause , aswell for his learned disputes as his commicall conceits . But Malgrado complained of this disorder to the Master of their house , who considering , that not only Malgrado , but the whole house , by this discouery were made ridiculous to the whole Vniuersity , by thassent of the whole Chapter expelled Dobson both the Colledge and the Vniuersity at the very instant when he should haue proceeded Bachelour . Dobson taking in euill part this disgrace , against the day of the Bachelours commencement , he set vpon the Colledge gates the picture of Malgrado with a Bachelours cappe and gowne , in his right hand holding Mistris Debora in a basket , and in the other a Cat tyed in a chaine with a shoulder of mutton about hir necke , about him he placed the picturs of the mistris of the house and the fellowes in their Doctors roabes , with coxecombes vpon the crownes of their cappes , and in each mans hand a fox tayle , and a paire of shéeres , this statue he erected an houre before day , and so tooke him to his héeles , lest if he were catcht he shoulde be punished for the same , bidding Cambridge and the Schooles adew . Howe Dobson became an Oastler and a seruingman , howe he beate his Mistris for the loue of her maide , and how he should haue hanged for riding away with his Maisters horse , and of his end . The last Chap. DObson being in this manner banished the Vniuersity , not daring to looke vpon his Vnckle , and ashamed to returne to his Country in this dishonour , when he came at Huntington , he hired himselfe to an Inkeeper where he played the vnder Oastler for the space of a yeare to his great grief and discontent , vntill a Gentleman of his country pittying that so able a boy , and well qualified as by his discourse and carriadge he seemed to be , should so basely bestowe himselfe perswaded him to giue ouer that trade of life , & to become a seruingman , which he told him was a more commendable course , lesse painefull , and could not be otherwise then more profitable also . Dobson soone assented to his perswasion hauing vsed the other but of meere necessity , and because he did not knowe howe to liue otherwise , the gentleman therefore concluding with him for reasonable wages , secretly conueighed him from Huntington to his owne house , with whome he stayed the space of another yeare also , in which time for his diligence and behauiour he gotte a singular opinion both of his Maister and Mistris , vntill this had happened . His Mistris had a cosen who attended her in the chamber , an hansome girle , with whome Dobson came more familiarly acquainted then was allowed of , and also shee afforded him equall affection and loue , which caused her to haue many a lowering countenance of her Aunte , but she set light of them in regard of Dobsons fauour , much difficulty he suffered before he could impart his minde to her , which had not needed if he had beene assured of the maides good meaning toward him , who if modesty had not letted her , had first moued the suite to him , and neuer paused after his first motion made to giue him answers or to aduise of the matter , but protested at the very instant to be his affected & pawned the same with a kisse , yet they concluded to dissemble the same , and to keepe it secret from their Maister and Mistris . But loue like the fire , first smoking , and then flaming , increased so betwixt them that it burst forth to open viewe of all : their exterior shewes betrayed their interior secretes , and so apparant it was to the whole house , that their Maister and Mistris had information of the same , which the Mistris ill disgested in respect she was her Néece , and he a stranger vnknowne to any of them , eyther his estate , condition , or parentage , which he willingly concealed because he would not haue his Vnckle to receaue any certificat of his course of life , she therefore strictly commanded her Cosen to absteyne from his company , and in no sort to vse him familiarly , as she cared to auoide her finall displeasure , but this charge was of as much force as if she had taken woode and throwne into the flame forbidding it to burne , for women are neuer earnest in loue vntill such time as they be forbidden to loue . When therfore her mistris had abriged her of al meanes of speaking with him in the house , appointed to meete him at the pen when the maids came to milking , where she to gratifie their fellowes & the rather to induce them to conceale their meetinges , for her Mistris did diuerse times feast and banquet them with possets and the like conceites . But in all societies there are euer some false brothers , when to picke a thanke , or to gaine a particular fauour to themselues , dissupplant their fellowes , so among these maides there was one chattering pie , who thrust into the mistris head al their intercourse of loue and familiaritie which then passed , for which the poore wench had many a sound chiding , yet stoode to denie all , so long that her constant negatiue one night moued her mistris to put vpon her a womans attyre , and secretly to conuay herselfe into a Calfehouse , hiding her selfe in the strawe vnd●r the cribbe , vntill the time of milcking , purposing to try whet●●r her cosen or the maide were in the trueth . And the same night they had assigned Dobson to be present at a posset of sacke , neuer suspecting that their mistris had any notice of their good felowship in that place , much lesse that shee was present to beholde their pastimes . But only she who had set her to the watche . While Dobson stayed longer than the houre assigned , they thought fit to make an ende of milkeing , that when he came they might haue nothing to stay them further , then only the dispatch of the posset , and also , lest staying later abroade then they were accustomed , their mistris might haue iealosie of some such matter . One of the maides , she who had first milked , went into the calfehouse to pul a rose , and as it woulde be , she pist into hir mistris necke vnknowne to hir , while at her going forth , she had a glimse of one lying couered in the strawe , at which both ashamed and afraide shee came forth & related what had befallē her , some laughed at the case a little , others cared how to dispose of the posset , tushe saieth her cosen , loue making her bolde , if the case be so plaine , let vs stand to it like frindes , let them flinch that feares , we wil take no knowledge of her presence , God be thanked we knowe the worst , it is but the losse of a seruice , a chiding , a bundel of batts , and start I will not til my friend come , if it be not till midnight , I wil either vrge her to come & take part with vs , or weary her of her lodging , but presently hereupon appeareth sir Dobson whom he much blamed for his lingring , withall , reuealing on what difficulties they stood vpon , in regard their mistris had set watch to trap them , no matter saide he , let vs first conquere this aduersary , and referre me to pacifie our mistris anger , I knowe a carde wherewith to coole the heate of my mistris fiery stomacke . And so whē the banquetended , willing them to walke homewarde , he with a good fast cudgell entered the calfehouse , where with many a lusty blowe he happed his mistris about the shoulders , notwithstanding that shee entreated him to stay his handes and not to beate her being his mistris , no quoth hee thou arte some visarde witch , that pretendest some mischiefe to my mistris her beasts , or else some naughty packe queane , in league with the maids , to cosen my mistris of the milke . My mistris is a gentlewoman of good worshippe , and would not for the worlde be seene in this base and ragged attyre , and therefore I wil hamper thee like as thou art , and so doubling his blowes he beate her againe till himselfe was weary , and shee so lamed that she was not able to stand , but falling downe vpon her knees , she saide , O good George I pray thee to take some pitty vpon me and kill me not forth-right , for in very trueth I am thy mistris , and came of purpose in this disguised and ragged cloathing , to espie and see thy vsege and behauiour with my maides , to whome I am contented to remit as to thee all that euer you haue trespassed against me , conditionally that thou now cease frō beating me , and help to conduct me home , for thou hast so squeized me that I am not able to goe alone , he seemeing by these speeches to be brought into some doubt that it should be his mistris indeed , carried her into the light where beholding her in the visage as though before he had not knowne her , he cried her mercy , & appeared very sorrowfull , requesting her to pardon him , affirming that he did not beleeue that it shoulde be her selfe , but some other rogish ill disposed woman , and prostrating himselfe vpon his knees he asked her hartily forgiuenesse ( as she supposd ) and that he had beat hir of ignorance , wherwith shee the more easily pardoned him , and staying her selfe vpon his shoulders she walked home with him , but he had so basted her , as for fiue wéekes after , she was cōstrained to keepe her bed , in which time shee was informed of the whole betwirt him and her maides as touching her beating , for which atterwards the coulde neuer endure him , and to curbe his desires she priuately caused her kinswoman to be conueighed away he did not know whither , for which he became so discontent , that when his master was vpon occasions gone towardes London his mistris sending him to a cosens house about some businesse , he rode away with his masters best gelding , sold him also and spent the mony neuer returning to giue answere of his message : his master at his comming backe from London , made dilligent enquiry after his man & his horse , and at the length being certified of his aboade , and the sale of his horse , he arested him with a Justices warrant , and got him committed to the Castle at Yorke , where he was to aunswere the assises , and had hanged without remission , if his vnkle had not made meanes for his repriue vntill he procured him a pardon . For after that he was hanckeled in so great extremity , he directed letters to his vnckle , certifieng him of his lamentable case craueing pardon for all his former euagations , & promising future reformation and to reclaime himselfe from al lewd behauiours , desiring also his vnkle to prouide him a Channons place in Dunholme , whereby hee might be maintained sufficiently if he escaped death , and that through want he needed not be constrained to prosecute any more such barbarous courses . Nature & pittie concurring in his vnkles brest inforced him to afford his helping hand . And by master Deanes meanes and the Prebends he got him freed from death , and imprisonment , and also beneficed in the Abbey , as he requested . Whereupon entring into consideration how much Almighty God and his frindes had helped him , he mortified all his irregular passions and spent the residue of his course in an admirable course of ciuility . For the which he was generally respected of all the people & the whole Cleargie , and after the death of his Vnkell , possessed of all his substance and beneficed with his Vicarige , in which estate he ended and finished his life . Finis . Notes, typically marginal, from the original text Notes for div A20519-e380 M 〈…〉 
A68702	----	The first and best part of Scoggins iests full of witty mirth and pelasant shifts, done by him in France, and other places: being a preseruatiue against melancholy. Gathered by Andrew Boord, Doctor of Physicke. Scoggin's jests. Part 1. 1626 Approx. 149 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 50 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2005-12 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A68702 STC 21850.7 ESTC S101656 99837464 99837464 1786 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A68702) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 1786) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1475-1640 ; 1006:09) The first and best part of Scoggins iests full of witty mirth and pelasant shifts, done by him in France, and other places: being a preseruatiue against melancholy. Gathered by Andrew Boord, Doctor of Physicke. Scoggin's jests. Part 1. Boorde, Andrew, 1490?-1549. Scogan, John, fl. 1480. [4], 92 p. Printed [by Miles Flesher] for Francis Williams, London : 1626. Printer's name from STC. An edition of: The jestes of Scogyn. "30 lines a page."--STC. Formerly STC 21852. Identified as STC 21852 on UMI microfilm reel 1006. Reproduction of the original in the British Library. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. 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Understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of TCP data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. Users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a TCP editor. The texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level 4 of the TEI in Libraries guidelines. Copies of the texts have been issued variously as SGML (TCP schema; ASCII text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable XML (TCP schema; characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless XML (TEI P5, characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or TEI g elements). Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng English wit and humor -- Early works to 1800. English wit and humor -- Early works to 1800. 2005-06 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2005-07 Apex CoVantage Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2005-08 Judith Siefring Sampled and proofread 2005-08 Judith Siefring Text and markup reviewed and edited 2005-10 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion THE First and best Part OF Scoggins Iests : Full of witty mirth and pleasant shifts , done by him in France , and other places : being a preseruatiue against melancholy . Gathered by Andrew Boord , Doctor of Physicke . LONDON , Printed for Francis Williams . 1626. The Prologue . THere is nothing beside the goodnesse of God , that preserue health so much , as honest mirth , especially mirth vsed at dinner and supper , and mirth toward bed , as it doth plainly appeare in the Directions for health : Therefore considering this matter , that mirth is so necessary a thing for man , I published this Booke , named , The Iests of Scogin , to make men merrie : for amongst diuers other Bookes of graue matters that I haue made , my delight hath beene to recreate my mind in making something merrie . Wherefore I doe aduertise euery man in auoiding pensiuenesse , or too much study or melancholie , to be merrie with honesty in God , and for God , whom I humbly beseech to send vs the mirth of Heauen , Amen . I Haue heard say , that Scogin did come of an honest stocke or kindred , and his friends did set him to schoole at Oxford , where hee did continue vntill the time he was made Master of Art , where he made this Iest : A Master of Art is not worth a fart , Except he be in Schooles , A Batchelor of Law is not worth astraw , Except he be among fooles . A Table of the merry Iests and witty shifts of Scogin . VVHat shift Scogin & his chamberfellow made to fare well in Lent. 5 What shift Scogin made , when he lacked money . 5 How Scogin deceiued the skinner . 6 How Iack got his dinner . 8 How Iack made his masterpay a penny for her ring bones . 9 How Iacke made of two egges three . 10 How a husbandmā put his son to schoole with Scogin . 10 How Scogin & his scholler wēt to seeke his horse . 11 Scogins scholler took orders 12 The scholler said , Tom Miller of Osney was Iacobs father 14 Scogins scholier made priest 16 How the Priest excused himselfe for not preaching . 17 How the Priest fell asleepe at Masse . 20 How the Priest said Requiem eternam on Easter day . 20 How the Priest said , Deus qui gint i filij tui . 21 How the priest was accused for keeping a wench . 23 How the parson said , Anupsimus quesimus Domine . 24 How Scogin told the hunter he had found a hare . 25 How Scogin told his fellows of a Pickerell . 26 〈…〉 How Scogin drew out an old womans tooth . 28 How Scogin gaue a medicine to make one goe to it . 29 How Scogin gaue one a medicine to find his horse . 30 How Scogin was robbed . 30 Scogin parbraked a Crow . 31 How Sogin caused his wife to be let blood . 33 How Scogin and his wife made an heire . 34 How Scogin got the Abbots horse . 36 How Scogin broght a dogs ●urd to know what powder it was . 36 How Scogin did draw a Tooth-drawers tooth . 37 How Scogin did serue the poore folkes . 39 How Scogin came to the court , and won 20 pound . 40 How he leapt ouer the Tables . 44 How Scogin gaue one a goose leg . 45 Scogin was desired to sweepe a Lords chamber . 45 How Scogin said he had a wall eye . 45 How Scogin drew his son vp & downe the Court. 46 How Scogin greased a fat low . 47 How the King gaue Scogin a 〈…〉 How Scogin played horse play . 49 How Scogin let a fart , and said it was worth forty pounds . 50 How Scogin beg'd 500 Okes. 51 How Scogin wold make a shepheard aske blessing . 51 How a Cowheard taught him his cunning in the weather . 53 How a man told Scogin hee thought the building of Pauls cost forty shillings . 54 Of him that thought Paules steeple so high , that none might looke ouer it . 55 How Scogin desired to say , Aue Maria in the Kings eare . 55 How Scogin chalked his wife the way to Church . 56 How Scogin desired the Queen to know whether riches would not tempt women . 57 How Scogin escaped beating 58 How Sogins wife came to the Queene . 59 How Scogin whined like a dog . 62 How Scogin would flye into England . 63 How Scogin prayed for an 100 French Crownes . 64 How Scogin was new christened . 65 How Scogin deceiued a Doctor of Physicke . 66 And a Tapster . 68 〈…〉 And the Draper . 72 How Scogin told a shoomaker he was not at home . 75 How the shoomaker gaue Scogin forty shil'ing to haue his house made greater . 75 How Scogin could not doe two things at once . 77 How the French King shewed Scogin the King of Englands picture . 78 How Scogin put french earth into his shooes . 78 How Scogin deceiued the poore folkes . 79 How Scogin talked with a fellow that kept Oxen. 80 What shift Scogin made for boots . 81 How Scogin & the priest prayed for money . 82 How Scogin came to court like a monstrous beast . 85 How Scogin asked the King & Queene forgiuenesse . 87 How Scogin told the Queene what a great study he was in 88 How diuers Gentlemen came to Scogins house to make merry . 89 How Scogin fell sicke . 90 How Scogin was shriuen . 91 Where Scogin desired to be buried . 91 What Scogin said when he took 〈…〉 The merry Iests , and witty shifts of Scogin . What shift Scogin and his Chamber-fellow made to fare well in Lent. ON a time in Lent Scogin consulted with a Chamber-fellow of his , a Collegioner , & said , How shall we do to fare well this Lent ? The scholler replyed , I cannot tell , for I lacke mony . Nay said Scogin , if you will be ruled by me , we will fare well . The scholler answered , I will do as you shall counsel me . Then Scogin said , faine your selfe sicke , & goe to bed , grone and cry out for helpe , and call for me to come vnto you , which was done ; and when Scogin came to his chamber-fellow he fained himselfe sore sicke . Scogin asked how he did ? I am so sicke quoth he , that I thinke I shal die , then said Scogin , bee of good comfort , I sée no perill of death in you : O sir , said the scholler , you doe not féele the paines that I féele . I pray you sir , as my trust is in you , kéepe mée , and go not from m , vntill I am amended , for euery Lent is vnto me very euill , vnlesse that I haue some good cherishing ; as you sée this little sicknesse hath made mée so faint and weak , that I cannot stand on my legges , and I feare I shall pine away : not so , said Scogin , be of good chéere , and pull vp your heart , here be of your fellowes , which will take the paines to goe to the Eowcers of your place , to entreat them to take care of you . When it was known in the Colledge that Scogins chamber-fellow was so sore sicke , some were afraid that it had been the pestilence , or else some other infectious sicknesse : wherefore Scogin was put in trust both for the keeping , and to doe other necessary things for his chamber-fellow , and had euery night the keyes of the Bowcery and Buttery deliuered , whereby he prouided for bread & drinke , good salt Eeles , salt Salmon , & other salt fishes , so they did lack no good cheere , besides fresh fish which came out of the Kitchin. This done , the fellowes of the place would that the patients urine should be had to the Physician , to know what manner of sicknesse the Patient had . Scogin then being afraid that the Physitian wold now know that his fellow was not sicke , said to him , we shal be both shamed and sh●nt , except thou wilt suffer me to burne thy lips and singe thy nose with a candle , and then let me alone with the Physitian , for I must haue your water to him Scogin did burne his chambersellowes nose & lips , and had his water to the Physitian . The Physitian said , he that doth owe this water or vrine , is a whole man. Nay , said Scogin , that is not so , the man is a sore sicke man , & doth breake out about the lips and nose . Ah said she Physitian , a water or vrine is but a strumpet , a man may be deceiued in a water : and if he be as you doe say , ( said the Physician to Scogin ) then hath he a great heat in the liuer , & in the stomacke Yea sir , said Scogin hée doth complaine of his stomacke . Then said the Physician , you shall haue a bill of the Apothecarie , and let him take such medicines as shall be there made : Sir , said Scogin , it is but a poore scholler , and he hath little to spend . Then said the Physitian , for your sake it shall be but a groat matter : which when he had bought , and brought home , he cast the medicine into the fire , saying to his fellow , I haue deceiued the Physician , and now let vs make merry , and fill all the pots in the house After this Scogin shewed the Bowcers and the fellowes , how he was with the Physician , and that he had sent the patient medicines : but for all that , Scoggin said that the Physician cannot tell as yet vnto what infirmity this matter will turne : but said Scogin , I feare much the pestilence , which he said , because none should visit the patient : this continued vntill that Lent was done , & on maundie Thursday , Scogin said to his chamberfellow , we wil make our maundy , and eate & drink with aduantage : be it said the scholler . On Maundy thursday at night they made such chéere , that the scholler was drunke . Scogin then pulled off all the schollers clothes , and laid him stark naked on the rushes , and set a forme ouer him , and spread a couerlet ouer it , and set vp two fallow candles in candlesticks ouer him , one at his head , the other at his feet , and ran from chamber to chamber , and told the fellowes of the place that his chamberfellow was dead ; and they asked of Scogin if he died of the pestilence . Scogin said no , I pray you go vp and pray for his soule , and so they did . And when the scholler had slept his first sleepe , he began to turne himselfe , and cast downe the forme and the candles . The fellowes of the house seeing that Scogin did run first out of the chamber , they and all that were in the chamber ( one running and tumbling downe on anothers neck ) were afraid . The scholler seeing them run so fast out of the chamber , followed them starke naked ; and the fellowes seeing him runne after them like a ghost , some ran into their chambers , and some ran into one corner , and some into another , Scogin ran into the chamber , to see that the candles should doe no harme , and at last fetcht vp his chamberfellow , which ran about naked like a mad man , and brought him to bed , for which matter Scogin had rebuke . What shift Scogin and his fellow made , when they lacked money . AFter this , Scogin and his chamber-fellow lacked money , and Scogin said , if thou wilt be ruled after me , we will goe to Tame market , where we shall ouertake going or comming some that driue shéepe , now doe as I shall tell thee , and we will get some money : and as they went to Tame , they did sée a man driue sheepe . Then Scogin said to his fellow , goe thou before , and make bargaine with him , that the sheepe bee no shéepe , but Hogs , and when that thou hast made a full bargaine , aske by whom the matter shall be tried , and say thou , by him that shall next ouertake vs. The scholler did ouertake him that droue the sheepe , and said , Well ouertaken my friend , from whence hast thou brought these faire hogs ? Hogs quoth the fellow , they be sheepe : said the scholler , you begin to iest . Nay , sir , said the fellow , I speake in good earnest . Art thou in earnest , said the scholler ? Thou wilt lay no wager with me to the contrary . Yes by the boke of a pudding , I will lay all the money in my purse . How much is that , said the scholler ? The fellow said , I haue two shillings . Two shillings , said the scholler , that is nothing , wilt thou lay halfe thy hogs , and two shillings , and I will lay as much against it ? strike hands , and he that loseth shall pay . Be it , sayd the fellow . Now said the Scholler , by whom shall we be tryed ? the fellow said , we shal be tried in the towne of Tame . Nay , said the scholler , Tame is out of my way , let vs bee tried by him that shall next ouertake vs. Be it , said the fellow : by and by Scogin did ouertake them , saying , well ouertaken good fellowes . Welcome master , said the scholler and the fellow . Master , said the fellow here is a scholler of Oxford hath made a bargaine with me of two shillings and the price of halfe my Shéep , that they be hogs that I doe driue before me . Scogin did set vp a laughing , saying , Alacke good fellow , dost thou thinke these be sheepe ? yea sir , said the fellow . Alacke good fellow , thou hast lost thy bargaine , said Scogin , for they bee faire Hogs . Then said the Scholler , giue me my mony , and diuide these Hogs , for I must haue halfe of them . Alacke , said the fellow , I bought these for sheepe , and not for hogs , I am vndone . Nay , said Scogin , I will be indifferent betweene you both , let the Scholler haue the two shillings , and take thou the hogs away with thée . The fellow said , blessed be the time that euer you were borne : hold Scholler , there is two shillings . The fellow was glad he lost not his hogs , which were shéepe . How Scogin deceiued the Skinner . VVHen Scogin had broght to Oxford such things as he had in London , hee lacked furres for his gownes , and Miniuer furres for his hood . Whereupon hee went to an Alderman in Oxford , which was a Skinner , and said vnto him . It is so that I must procéed Master of Art at the next Act , and I haue bestowed my money at London , and now I haue néed of furres , ( as you know ) wherefore if I shall haue of you as much as shall serue me , I will content you with thankes . Then said the Alderman , make your gownes and your hood , and send them to me , and they shall be furred as other Masters be . Then said Scogin you shal haue them within these two dayes , and then I pray you make me a bill what I shall pay for euery thing . It shall bee done said the Alderman . When as the gownes and hood were furred , he went to fetch them home , & said to the Alderman , I pray you let me sée my charge : the bill was brought forth and the sum did rise to sixe pound and odde money . The Alderman said , when shall I haue my money ? Scogin answered , within these seuen weeks , or else the next time that you and I doe méet after the said terme set . The terme of time passed ouer , and the Alderman sent for his money . Scogin said to the messenger , haue me commended to Master Alderman , and tell him when he & I doe meet , I wil cōtent him according to my promise : so on a time Scogin went to Korfax , and he espied the Alderman , and then he returned backe . The Alderman made good footing after him to ouertake him and said vnto him , Sir , you said that you would pay me my money within seuen weekes , or else any time after that we did meet together . It is true , said Scogin , my day is expired , but my promise is not broken : no , said the Olderman , so that you pay me my money now . Now said Scogin , nay not so , wee meet not together yet , for now you did but ouertake me , and when we doe meet , you shall haue your money : but if I can , said Scogin , I will not méet you this seuen yeeres , if I can goe backward . Wherfore a plaine bargain is best , and in bargaines making , fast bind , fast find . How Iacke by playing of the Whiting , got his dinner . VVHen the sicknesse was at Oxford , on a time Scogin went out of Oxford , and did lye at S. Barthelmewes by Oxford , and hee had a poore scholler to dresse his meat : On a Friday he said to his scholler , Jacke , here is two pence , goe to the market and buy mee thrée whitings , the which his scholler did : & when hee was come home , Scogin said , Jacke , goe séeth me a whiting to my dinner : Jack heard him say so , and deferred the time , thinking hee should fare ill when that his master had but a whiting to dinner . At last Scogin said ; doth the fish play ? Jack said , would you haue one play without a fellow ? Scogin said , Jacke thou saist truth : put another whiting into the pan . Then Jacke prepared his fish to seeth them : then Scogin said , Jacke , doth the fish play now ? Jack said , I trow they be mad or else wood , for one doth fight with the other , that I haue much adoe to keepe them in the pan . Then said Scogin , put the other whiting betwixt them to breake the strife . Jacke was then glad , thinking he should get somewhat to dinner , and sod the fish , and had his part . How Iacke made his Master pay a penny for the herring bones . ON a time Scogin did send Jacke to Oxford to market , to buy a penny worth of fresh herring . Scogin said , bring foure herrings for a penny , or else bring none . Jack could not get four herrings , but three for his penny ; and when he came home , Scogin said , how many herrings hast thou brought ? and Jacke said , thrée herrings , for I could not get foure for a penny . Scogin said , he would none of them : sir , said Jacke , then will I , and here is your penny againe . When dinner time was come , then Jack did set bread and butter before his Master , and rosted his herrings , and sate downe at the lower end of the table , and did eate the herrings . Scogin said , let mee haue one of thy herrings , and thou shalt haue another of mee another time . Jacte said , and if you will haue one herring , it shall cost you a penny . What said Scogin , thou wilt not take it on thy conscience : Jacke said , my conscience is such , that you get not a morsell here , except I haue my penny again . Thus contending together , Jack had made an end of his herrings : A Master of Art of Oxford , one of Scogins fellowes , did come to sée Scogin , and when Scogin had espied him , hee said to Jack , set vp the bones of the herrings before me ; sir , said Jacke , they shall cost you a penny . Then said Scogin , what whorsō wilt thou shame me ? no sir , said Jack , giue me my penny again , & you shal haue vp the bones , or else I will tell all . Scogin then cast down a penny to Jack , & Jack brought vp to Scogin the herring bones : and by this time the Master of Art did come in to Scogin , & Scogin had him welcome , saying , if you had come sooner , you should haue had fresh herrings to dinner . How Iack by sophistry would make of two egges three . SCogin on a time had two egs to his breakefast , and Jack his choller should rost them , and as they were rosting , Scogin went to the fire , to warme him , and as the egs were rosting , Jacke said , sir , I can by sophistry proue that here be three Egs. Let me sée that , said Scogin , I shall tel you sir , said Jacke : Is not here one ? Yes , said Scogin . And is not here two , said Jack ? Yea , said Scogin , of that I am sure . Then Jacke did tell the first egge againe , saying , is not this the third ? O said Scogin , Jack thou art a good sophister Wel , said Scogin , these two egs shal serue me for my breakfast , and take thou the third for thy labour , and for the herring that thou didst giue mee the last day . So one good turne doth aske another , and to deceiue him that goeth about to deceiue , is no deceit . How a Husband-man put his sonne to Schoole with Scogin . THere was a Husbandman beside . Oxford , and he would faine haue his son to goe to Schoole with master Scogin , and that Scogin should help to make him a Priest , and to obtaine Scogins fauour and good will the husbandman gaue Scogin a horse . Scogin was pleased , so that he would pay for his sonnes boord . The husbandman was contented , and Scogin pleased . The slouenly boy almost as big as a knaue , would begin to learne his A. B. C. Scogin did giue him a lesson of nine of the first letters of A. B. C. and he was nine daies in learning of them , and when he had learned the nine Christ-crosse row letters , the good scholler said , Am itch past the worst now ? Yea , said Scogin . Then said the Scholler , would God ich were , vor dis is able to comber any mans wits aliue . Scogin then thought his scholler would neuer bee but a foole , and did apply him as well as he could to learning : but he that hath no wit , can neuer haue learning nor wisedome . How Scogin and his scholler went to seek his horse ON a time Scogin had lost his horse ; wherefore in the morning he called vp his scholler , saying , Will ho. Will heard him call , and would not speake : at last Scogin said , what Will I say , arise , and let vs goe looke my horse . Will said , Master , hold your peace , vor ich am vast azleepe . What old luske , said Scogin , arise and méet with me at Shotouer , which is a great wood nigh S. Bartholmewes beside Oxford . Will followed his master with an euill will , they seeking one in one place , and the other in another place for his horse . At last Scogin did lewer and whoop to him . Will said , as he was brought vp with his father , what a diuell will you haue now ? Scogin said , hast thou found my horse ? No , I may , but ch'aue found a better thing . What is that , said Scogin ? By my vay , said Will , ich haue found a birds nest . Well Will , said Scogin , marke the place , and looke out my horse . By my day , said Will , I hill marke the place , vor ich haue shit vnder the tree , and now chould ich could find another birds nest , for all your horse . Thus you soe a soole will not leaue his bable for a thing of better worth . How Scogins scholler tooke orders . WHen that Scogin had taught his scholler that hee with helpe might be Subdeacon , he said to him , thou shalt goe to take orders , and I will go with thée . And if thou dost stand in any doubt , take heed to my booke , and giue an eare tame , and I will helpe thee as much as I can . When all they that should take orders , were come to oppositions , Scogin did come forth with his scholler . And the Ordinary did oppose him with a verse of the Psalter ; which was this , Moab , Agareni , Gebal , Amon , & Amaleck , cum habitantibus Tirum . Scogins scholler was blanke oramazed . Sir , said Scogin to the Ordinary , you shall vnderstand that Moab , Agareni , Gebal , Amon , & Ameleck , cum habitantibus Tirum , were vnhappy fellowes , for they did trouble the children of Israel , and if they trouble my scholler , it is no maruell : but now I doe tell thée my scholler , be not afraid of Moab , Agareni , Gebal , Amon , & Ameleck , cum habitantibus Tirum , for I will stand beside to comfort thée , for Moab , Agaren● ▪ &c. can do thée no haime , for they be dead . By reason that Scogin did so oft repeate these words , the scholler did reade this verse aforesaid : and through Scogins promise , the Ordinary was content that his scholler should take Orders , and be Subdeacon . After this , when the Orders were giuen againe , Scogin did speake to his schollers Father , to send in a letter three or soure péeces of gold . The schollers Father was content so to doe : so that his sou might be Deacon . Then said Scogin to his scholler , thou shalt deliuer this letter to the Ordinary , when he doth sit in oppositions , & as soone as he féeleth the letter , he will perceiue that I haue sent him some money , and he will say to thée , Quomodo valec magister tuus ? that is to say , how doth thy Master ? thou shalt say , Qiud petis ? what thing doest thou aske ? Then thou shalt say , Diaconatum , to be Deacon . Then the Ordinary will say , Es tu literatus ? art thou learned ? & thou shalt say , Aliqualiter , some , what . Now said Scogin , thou hast no more but thrée words to beare in mind in Latine , which is to say , Bene , Diaconatum , and Aliqualiter . The father and the scholler were glad that by Scogins letters & the money he should be Deacon , & went to the oppositions , and deliuered his letter with the money . The Ordinary perceiuing money in the letter , said to the scholler , Quid petis ? that is to say , what dost thou aske or desire ? The scholler remembring Scogins words , that the first word , was Bene , he said , Bene that is , well . When the Ordinary heard him say so , he said ; Quomodo valet Magister tuus ? Now doth thy Master ? The scholler said , Diaconatum , that is to say , Deacon . The Ordinary did sée he was a foole , & said ; Tues stu●tus thou art a foole : the scholer said , Aliqualiter , that is to say , somewhat . Nay , said the Ordinary , not Aliqualiter , but Totaliter , a starke foole . Then the scholer was amazed , and said , sir , let me not goe home without mine Orders , and heere is another Angell of gold sor you to drinke . Well , said the Ordinary , on that condition you will promise me to goe to your booke and learne , you shall bee Deacon at this time . Héere a man may see that money is better then learning . How the scholler said , Tom Miller of Osney , was Iacobs Father . AFter this , the said scholler did come to the next Orders , & brought a present to the Ordinary from Scogin , but the schollers father paid for all . Then said the Ordinary to the scholler , I must néedes oppose you , and for Master Scogins sake , I will oppose you in a light matter . Isaac had two sons , Esau & Iacob , who was Iacobs father ? The scholler stood still , and could not tell . Well said the Ordinary , I cannot admit you to be Priest , vntill the next Orders , and then bring me an answer . The scholler went home with a heauy heart , bearing a letter to Master Scogin , how his scholler could not answer to this question , Isaac had two sonnes , Esau & Iacob , who was Iacobs Father . Scogin said to his scholler , thou foole and asse-head , doest thou not know Tom Miller of Osney ? Yes said the scholler . Then said Scogin , thou knowest he had two sonnes , Tom and lacke , who is lacks father ? The scholler said Tom Miller . Why said Scogin , thou mightest haue said , that Isaac was Iacobs Father : then said Scogin , thou shalt arise betime in the morning , and carry a letter to the Ordinary , and I trust hee will admit thée before the Orders shall be giuen . The scholler rose vp betime in the morning , and carried the letter to the Ordinary . The Ordinary said , for Master Scogins sake I will oppose you no farther then I did yesterday . Isaac had two sonnes , Esau and Iacob , who was Iacobs Father ? Marry said the scholler , I can tell you now that was Tom Miller of Osney . Goe foole , goe , said the Ordinary , and let thy Master send thée no more to me for Orders ; for it is vnpossible to make a foole a wise man. How Scogins scholler was made Priest . THe aforesaid schollers Father was sorry that he could not haue his sonne made Priest and made his mone to Master Scogin . Master Scogin said , you must get him his Dimissaries to be made Priest in some other Diocesse , for our Ordinary will not admit him : sir , said the schollers father , get him his Dimissaries and make him a Priest , and I will giue you twenty nobles : sir , said Scogin , let me haue the money and it shall be done . The next Orders after , Scogin & the schollers father , & the scholler did ride all to London , and Scogin went to the Ordinary , and gaue him forty shillings to haue his scholler made Priest . The Ordinary said , I must oppose him ; sir , said Scogin , my scholler is well learned , but hee hath no vtterance ; wherfore I pray you at my request , oppose him in Te Deum , and his father shal bring him to you . I am pleased , said the Ordinary . On the morrow the scholler & his father went to master Ordinary : The Ordinary said , be you master Scogins scholler ? Yea sir , said he . Would you be Priest at the beginning of these Orders ? Yea sir , said the scholler . Then said the Ordinary , I must oppose you , & it shall be in Te Deum , and I will begin , & answer you me , and say ; Tibi Cherubin & Scraphin incessabili voce proclamant , Sanctus said the scholler , Sanctus said the Ordinary , Sanctus said the scholler . Hold thy peace knaue , said the schollers father : will you checke the Gentleman , that is so good to vs ? The Ordinary did laugh , and said to the Scribe : put this mans name in the Booke to be Priest . Goe said he Ordinary , & come to morrow , and the Bishop will make you a Priest : the which was done . What talke this wise Priest and his Father had as they rode home . ANd as he was riding home with his father , he espied the Moon , & said , father , this is like the Moone we haue at home . I maruell said he , whereof the Moone is made . His father said , I cannot tell . Then said the wise Priest , it is made like a Cheese , and if it be a Chéese , I would I had a gobbot , for I am hungry . Father he said , how may a man climbe vp to it , & cut out a péece ? then said the Father , I would I were at home , for all the Moones in this Countrey . At last they came to Uxbridge , and there the young Priest had espied a Cowturd , lying vpon a beame in the top of the house : then he said to his father , here is a thing to be maruelled on , whether the Cow went vp to shite on the beame , or the beame came downe to let the Cow shite on it . Then said the father , belike one of the two it was . How the Priest excused himselfe , because he did not preach ? AFter that this man was made Priest for mony his father had not him a benefice : then the parishioners where he was parson , were not contented that they had no sermons of him : vpon the which he went to master Scogin to aske his counsell Then said Scogin Christmas day is at hand , and then goe into the Pulpit , and take this for thy antheme , P●er natus 〈…〉 , &c. Then say , Masters to yeu ali , what is Pu●● natus est nobis ? and if no man will answer , aske of the Clarke : and if hee cannot tell , then say ; Now Masters to you all , what is 〈◊〉 datus est nobis ? if none can tell , aske the Clarke : if he cannot tell , then say ; Masters , what is Cuins imperium ; if none can tell , then aske the oldest man in the Church what Cuius imperium is : is he cannot tell , then say ; Masters , this man hath dwelt in this Parish this many yeeres , and he cannot tell what Cuius imperium is . I haue not beene halfe a yeere among you , and you would haue me to preach , I tell you all , by that time I haue beene in this Towne as long as this old man hath béene . I will preach , and tell you what Cuius imperium is . On Christmas day this noble Priest went into the Pulpit and said ; Puer natus est nobis , Filius datus est nobis : cuius imperium . Now Masters to you all what is Puer natus est nobis ? There was no man could answer him : then said the Priest to the Clarke , what is Puer natus est nobis ? The Clarke said , A Childe is borne to vs. It is well said ( said the priest , ) Now Masters to you all , what is Filius datus est nobis ? No man said a word : Clarke , what is Filius datus est nobis 〈◊〉 The Clarke said , a sonne is giuen to vs. It is well said ( said the Priest ) although he knew not whether hee said right or wrong . Then said the Priest , now masters to you all , what is Cuius imperium ? There was none in the Church did answer . Then said the Priest to the Clarke , what is cuius imperium ? the Clarke said , I cannot tell Then the Priest said , how long hast thou dwelt here ? The Clarke said , nine or ten yéeres . Then there sate before the Priest an olde man with a bald head : thou old Father , said the Priest , what is cuius imperium ? I cannot tell , said the olde man , why , said the Priest , how long hast thou dwelt in this parish ? The olde man said , I was borne in this Towne . Why said the priest , how olde art thou ? The old man said , fourescore yéeres and odde : Then said the priest , loe masters all here is a Clarke which hath dwelt here this nine or ten yéeres , and this olde man hath dwelt héere fourescore yéeres and odde , & yet they cannot tel what Cuius imperium is and I haue not beene here ten weekes , and you would haue me preach I tell you all , by that time I haue dwelt here as long as this olde man hath done , I will preach , 〈◊〉 tell you what Cius imperium is . For hee is 〈◊〉 starcke foole that can make no excuse for himsel●● that is culpable . How the Priest fell asleepe as he was at Masse . ON a certaine time Scogin went to his scholler , the aforesaid Parson , to dine with him on a sunday : and this foresaid Priest or Parson all the night before had béene at Cards playing at the Post , hée made short mattens , and went to Masse , and when he did come to his first memento , hée leaned him to the Altar , and fell asléepe . When Scogin had espyed it , he called the Clarke to awake him ; the Clarke went and shoote him , and bad him awake . Passe said the Priest , awake said the Clarke . I will none of it , said the Priest , what sir , said the Clarke , you are at masse . Hold thy peace , saith the Priest , I beshrew thy heart , thou hast let me of a good sléep Awake for shame , said the Clarke . At the last he awaked , and made an end of his Masse . When Masse was done , Scogin reprehended him , and they of the Parish complained of the Priest to Scogin , for that fault and many other . Scogin said , that the Priest had great paine in his browes , that he could not hold vp his head : and therefore pardon him for this fault , considering his sicknesse . How the Priest said , Requiem aeternam on Easter day . ON an Easter day , this aforesaid Parson could not tell what Masse he should say : wherefore he said to the Clarke , I pray thée run to my next neighbour , the Parson of Garsington , & let him send me word what Masse I shall say to day : the Parson said to the Clarke , let him say the Masse which doth beginne with a great R. The Priest turned ouer his Booke and found Requiem aeternam , and said the Masse which is vsed for a soule or soules : When Masse was done , one said to him , Master Parson , for whose soule did you say Masse to day ? sir said he , for Gods soule , which died on Friday last : For I was sicke yesterday , and could not say Masse for his soule : sir , said the man , God is aliue , and not dead . No , said he ? if he had not béene dead , hee should not haue béene buried . All this is true , said the man , but after he was dead , he rose from death to life , and is aliue , and shall die no more . By my faith said the Parson , I will neuer after this pray for him any more . No , said the man , you must neuer pray for God : but you must pray to God to send you some wit , or else you will die a foole , &c. How the Priest said , Deus qui viginti filij tui , when he should haue said , Deus qui vnigeniti . ON a time master Scogin said to his fellowes that were Masters of Art , I pray you let vs goe to make merrie with the Parson of Baldon , which was once my scholler . Be it said they : On the morrow in the morning , they went to Baldon , and one Master of Art went before all the other , and did goe into the Church , and the Priest began Masse of the Crosse : and when hée came to the Collect , he did read ; Deus qui viginti filij 〈◊〉 , &c. when he should haue said , Deus qui vnigeniti , &c. And as he was reading the Collect , he heard a great noise in the Church-yard , and ere he had fully made an end of it , master Scogin and the other Masters of Art came into the Church . Then at the Collect end , he turned about and said ; Dominus , vobis cum . He spying so many schollers , said , I●● missa est . For he thought the schollers did come for to checke him in his Masse . And when Masse was done , they went to dinner with the Parson . And after dinner , the Master of Art that did come first into the Church , that heard the Parson reade , Deus qui viginti filij 〈◊〉 , said , Master Parson , I pray you for my learning , tell me how many sonnes God had . The Parson was astonied : sir said he , I will tell you by and by . He went to Scogin , saying , sir , I pray you tell mée how many sonnes God had . Scogin said , goe and tell him , sir , you did aske of me how many sonnes God hath : it shall not skill how many nor how few he hath , I am sure that you be none of them . Why sir , said the Master of Art , you said to day in your Masse , that God had twenty children , for you said , Deus qui viginti filij tui , yea sir , be content said Scogin , hath God moe or lesse , my priest saith you be none of them : we haue good chéere , & costs vs nothing , therefore one good turne asketh another without reprehension . How the Priest was complained on for keeping a yong wench in his house . THis aforesaid Parson had a wench to kéepe his house , & to dresse his meate , and because both the Priest and shée were yong , they were complained on to the Ordinary , which sent for the Priest by a citation . The priest was afraid , and said to the Sumner , I will giue the 15 pence to tell me the cause why I should come to the Ordinary : sir said he , for kéeping this wench within your house wherefore you must appeare the next court day . The priest went to Scogin and shewed him the whole matter , Scogin said , I will write a Letter to the Ordinary , the contents whereof was this : After commendations , I certifie you , that where my Priest is complained on for a woman that he keepeth in his house , to wash his dishes and to gather rishes , to milke his cow , & to serue his sow , to feed his hen & cocke , to wash shirt and smocke , his points to vnloose , & to wipe his shooes : to make bread & ale , both good , & eke stale , & to make his bed , & to looke his head , his garden she doth weed , & doth helpe him at need : no man can say , but night and day , he could not misse to clip & kisse : she is saire and fat , what for all that , I can no more tell , but now fare you well . The parson did beare this letter to the Court , and deliuered it . The Ordinary said , Master parson you ●ee complained on because you doe kéepe a yong wench in your house : Master said the Parson , she is not young , for she is of the age of my horse . Why said the Ordinarie , how old is your horse ? Master said the Parson , eightéene yéeres old . Well said the Ordinary you must put away your wench . Now , said the Priest , I had rather loose my benefice : for then must I brew and ba●e , & doe all things my selfe , and that I will not doe . Well said the Ordinary , I will come home to your house one day , and sée what rule you kéepe : sir said the Parson , you shall bée welcome . The Ordinarie came to the Parsons house , and when he did sée the wench , he said ; Vxor tua sicut vitis abundantis in lateribus domus tua . The Parson thought the Ordinarie had opposed him in our Latine Mattins , and said ; Ec filij tui sicut nouellae Oliuarum in circ●●t● mensae tuae . The Ordinary was abashed , and supposed that some man had told him of his children that he had in his house of his owne , sitting round about at his Table , was ashamed to rebuke the Parson , and said nothing else , but farewell Master Parson . Thus a man may perceiue , that diuers times fooles be fortunate . And it is euill and a foolish thing , for a man to reprehend another man for a fault that he himselfe is guilty in . How the Parson said , Anupsimus quaesimus domine . ANother time Master Scogin , & other Masters of Art in Oxford , did visit the said Priest again , and found him at Masse , and at the last Collect , the Parson said ; An●p●mus quaesimus Domine . One of the Masters of Art said , Master Parson , you must say ; Sumpsimus quaesimus Domine . The Parson looked backe , & said to the Master of Art ; I haue said these dozen yeeres , Anupsimus quaesimus Domine , and I will not leaue my old Anupsimus for thy new Sumpsimus : so they went to dinner , and the Parson said to Scogin , I haue not meat enough for you all . Well said Scogin , such as you haue set on the board , and so he did . Then one of the Masters said grace , and began , Benedicite domine apposita , & apponenda . Nay said Scogin put apponenda in your purse , and blesse apposita , for here is on the table all the meat at this tune you shall haue , and I beshrew some of vs , and not me , for we had fared better , if Sumpsimus had not béene heere : wherefore it appeareth , that he which telleth the truth , oftentimes shall fare the worse , or else be shent . How Scogin told the hunter he had found a Hare . SCogin had a great Hares skin , that was new killed , and he went to a wheat land , that was an handfull and an halfe high , and did lay there a foule great mard ; they that can speake French , can tell what a mard is , and couched the Hares skinne ouer it , and set vp the Hares eares , and then hee came to Oxford , and said to them that vsed hunting , that he had found a Hare sitting . They ran for their Grey-hounds to kill the hare , and Scogin went with them to the land where the Hare did sit . At last one espied the eares , and the head of the Hare , and said , so how ? stand you there , said the other , and giue her the law of the game . Scogin got him home to Oxford , and one that came to sée the game , was bid to put vp the Hare , and when he came almost at the Hare , vp whore he said , or I will prick you in the buttocke by and by , but the Hare did not stirre . At last when he came to the place , he thrust his staffe at the Hares skinne , and did turne it ouer , and vnder it was a great mard , hée returned againe as if he had a flea in his eare to Oxford . Why said they doe you not put vp the Hare ? Goe put her vp your selfe with a vengeance said he , and went home againe in an anger : they that held their Grey hounds did maruell what he meant , & that Scogin was gone : they went to see where the Hare should sit , & they found a Hares skinne & a great mard . Wel said they , we can neuer beware of Scogins mocks & iests , would part of this hare were in his mouth , and so they departed : whereby you may see that faire words make fooles faine . How Scogin told his fellowes he knew where was a Pickerell . ON a , time Scogin said to his fellowes , I haue found where a Pickerell doth lie in a ditch behind Saint Wenefrides Wel : said the one I can get a net , Goe , said Scogin & fetch it , and méet me behind S. Wenefrides Well . Scogin tooke a long quarter staffe , the which craftily hée had cut more then halfe asunder . Scogin did look into the water , and said , here about he should bée . Then said the one to the other , some must leape ouer . Hold the staffe said Scogin . The one of them tooke the staffe , and pitched it into the water , and would haue lept ouer . The staffe brooke , and laid the Scholler in the middle of the water . Then were the scholl ers ready to take him vp with their net , & other policy . Scogin shrunke away , & went home . When the scholler was taken out of the water , Scogin was asked for & no man could tel where he was . The schollers went home & found him out , and said : Is this the Pickerell that you would shew vs ? I pray you , said he , if you haue taken him , let me haue part with you : Here a man may sée daily , if a man haue shrewd turnes , he shall be mocked also for his labour . How Scogin sold powder to kill fleas ? SCogin diuers times did lacke money , & could not tell what shift to make , at last he thought to play the Physician , and did fill a box full of the powder of a rotten post , and on a sunday he went to a Parish Church , and told the wiues , that hee had a powder to kil vp all the fleas in the country and euery wife bought a penny worth , & Scogin went his way ere Masse was done , the wiues went home , & cast the powder into their beds , 〈◊〉 in their chambers , & the fleas continued still . On a time Scogin came to the same Church on a sunday , and when the wiues had espied him , the one said to the other , this is he that deceiued vs with the powder to kill fleas : sée said the one to the other , this is the selfe-same person . When Masse was done , the wiues gathered about Scogin , and said ; You be an honest man to deceiue vs with the powder to kill fleas Why said Scogin , are not your sleas all dead ? We haue more now ( said they ) then euer we had : I maruell of that , said Scogin , I am sure you did not vse the medicine As you should haue done . They said , wee did cast it in our bed , & in our chambers . A , said he , there be a sort of feoles that will buy a thing , & will not aske what they should doe with it . I tell you all , that you should haue taken euery slea by the neck , & then they would gape , and then you should haue cast a little of the powder into euery fleas mouth and so you should haue killed them all . Then said the wiues , we haue not onely lost our money , but we are mocked for our labour . How Scogin drew out an old womans tooth . THere was an olde woman that had but one tooth in her head , & that did a●e very sore , she went to Master Scogin for remedy . Come with me mother , said Scogin , & you shall be healed by & by . He then got a packthréed , and went to the Smiths forge with the woman , and he said to the Smith , I pray you heate mée a Coulter in your forge . I will said the Smith . Then he went to the old woman and said , Mother , let me see your tooth , and she did so : he tooke his packthrée● , and bound it fast about the tooth , & tyed the other end of the thred at the ring of the forge doore , whereas the Smith vsed to tie his horses & mares , and when the culter was glowing hot , coggi● tooke the culter , and ran with it against the old woman saying ; A whore dost thou stand here like an old mare : I will run thée through with this hot culter . The woman being afraid , gaue a braid with her head , and ran her way , & left her tooth behind her . Scogin ran after the woman , and she cryed out for helpe ( for shee was afraid that Scogin would haue burnt her . ) The Smith ran after Scogin for his culter , for he was afraid that Scogin would run away with it . Whereby you may sée what a terrible thing feare is . How Scogin gaue one a medicine to make him go to it . ON a time there did a yong man come to Scogin to haue a medicine , saying , Sir , I would haue a medicine to make me goe to it lustily , ( he ment of Venus acts ) Scogin did giue him an extreame purgation . The yong man went to bed with his Lemman . Within a while his belly began to rumble , and there was no remedy but hée must néeds go to it so long , that he did defile both the chamber & the bed , so that he and his lemman bathed themselues that night in dirt , Wherefore it is good for all men , when they aske counsell of any man , to be plaine in his words , and not to speake in parables . How Scogin gaue one a medicine to make him find his horse . THere was a man that had lost his horse , & he came to master Scogin , & said , sir , I here say that you be a good Physician , and I haue lost my horse , & would fain know a remedy how I might find out my horse . Scogin gaue that man such a purgation , that he was constrained to run to euery bush and hedge , and peaking so about here and there , at last he found his horse . Then he reported that Scogin was the best physician in the world . Scogin was robbed as he went to London . VVHen Scogin did pretend to leaue Oxford , he went to dwell at London : and as hée went towards London , he met with théeues , and they robbed him . And when he came to London , hee espied one of the théeues , and then he said to the sergeants of London , yonder man robbed me when I came from Oxford . The thiefe had spied Scogin talking with the sergeants , & fled his way . The sergeants followed the thiefe , the thiefe did run , and the sergeants after . One came to Scogin , and said , wherefore doth yonder men run so fast ? Scogin said for a wager , but the foremost man hath won , for lately he had all my mony from me . The sergeants cryed hold the thiefe : the thiefe said , hold me not , I do run for a wager . And when he was within S. Martins , he said , I haue run well now , or else I had béene hanged . Scogin told his wife he had parbraked a Crow . AFter a while that Scogin came to London , hee married a yong woman , taking her for a maid , as other men dee . At last he thought to proue his wife , and fained himselfe sicke . Oh good wife , saies he , I will shew you a thing , and if you will promise me to conceale it . His wife said , sir , you may tell mee what you will , I were worse then accursed , if I should disclose your counsell : O wife said Scogin , I had a great pang to day in my sicknesse , for I did parbrake and cast out a Crow . A Crow , said shée ? Yea , said Scogin , God helpe me . Be of good comfort , said she , you shall recouer and doe well . Well wife , said Scogin , goe to Church and pray for me : shée went to the Church , and by & by one of her gossips met with her , and asked how her husband did . I wi● said she , a sore sick man he is , and like to die , for there is an euill signe and token in him . What is that Gossip said shée ? Nay by gisse , I will not tell it to any man aliue . What said the woman , you may tell me , for I will neuer bewray your counsell : By gisse , said Scogins wife , if I wist that you wold kéep my counsel , I wold tel you . Then said the woman , whatsoeuer you doe tell , I will lay it dead vnder my féet . Oh said Scogins wife , my husband parbraked two Crowes . Jesus , said the woman , I neuer heard of such a thing . This woman as she did méet with another gossip of hers , shewed that Scogin had parbraked thrée crowes . So it went from one gossip to another , that ere Mattens were finished , all the parish knew that Scogin had parbraked twenty Crowes . And when the Priest was ready to goe into the Pulpit , one came to request him and all the Parish to pray for Scogin , for hee had parraked twenty Crowes . The Priest blessed him , and said to the Parishioners , I doe pray you pray for Scogin , for he is in perill of his life , and hath parbraked 21 Crowes . By and by one went to Scogin and said ; sir , is it as it is spoken in the Church of you ? What is that , said Scogin ? The Priest said in the Pulpit that you parbraked 2● Crowes : said Scogin , what a lie is this ? By & by the bels were told for sacring , and Scogin hied him to Church lustily & merry , and when the men & women did sée him in the Church , they looked vpon one another , and maruelled of this matter . After Masse , Scogin asked what were they that should bring vp such a tale vpon him . At last the matter was so boulted out , that the original of the cause began at Scogins wife . Here a man may sée , that it is hard to trust a woman with a mās secrets : wherfore it is good to proue a friend ere one haue néed . How Scogin caused his wife to be let blood . AFter that Scogins wife had played this aforesaid pranke , she vsed so long to go a gossipping , that if her husband had spoken any word contrary to her minde , shée would crow agains● him , that all the stréet should ring of it . Scogin thought it was time to breake his wife of such matters , and said to her , I would you would take other wayes , or else I will displease you . Displease me , said shee , beware that you doe not displease your selfe : Yea , said Scogin , I wil sée tha● one day , how you will displease me : she still continued in opprobrious words : ●t last Scogin called her into a chamber , & took one of his seruants with him , and said to her , Dame you haue a little hot & proud blood about your heart , and in your stomacke , and if it be not let out it will infect you and many mo : therefore be content , there is no remedy , but that blood must bée let out , I 〈◊〉 thée , said Scogins wife : ( and was vp in the house top ) yea , said he , come said Scogin to his seruant and let vs bind her to this forme : shee scratched and clawed them by the faces , and spurned with her feet so long that shee was weary : so at the last shée was bound hand and foot to the forme . Now said Scogin to his seruant goe fetch mee a Surgeon , or a Barbor that can let blood . The seruant went and brought a Surgeon , Scogin said to him , sir , it is so that my wife is mad , & doth 〈◊〉 and I haue béen with Physicians , and they haue counselled me to let her blood : she hath infectious blood about the hart , & I wold haue it out : sir said the surgeon , it shall be done . Sogin said , shée is so mad that she is bound to a forme . The better for that , said the surgeon : when Scogin and the surgeon entred into the chamber , shée made an exclamation vpon Scogin . Then said Scogin , you may sée that my wife is mad . I pray you let her blood both in the arme and in the foot , and vnder the tongue : Scogin & his man held out her arme and they did open a veine named Cardica . When shée had bled well , now stop that veine , said Scogin , and let her blood vnder the foot . When shée saw that , sir said she , forgiue me and I will neuer displease you hereafter : well said Scogin , if you do so , then I do thinke it shall be best for vs both : by this tale it proueth that it is a shrewd hurt that maketh the body fare the worse , and an vnhappy house where the woman is master . How Scogin and his wife made an Heire . ON a time they died in London , & Scogin & his wife did lie in the Countrey , & while hée did lie there , he did purchase a copihold , and went to aske counsell of a man of law , saying ; I haue purchased a copy-hold , & I am come to aske your counsel , and I will giue you for your labour : sir , said the man of law , your copy must be made 〈…〉 make as heire : sir said Scogin , in this matter I will goe home , & aske counsell of my wife , and to morrow I will come againe to you . Scogin went home & told his wife what the man of law had said , that the Copy must be made vnder the forme of law , & that it were good to make an heire . Then Scogin said , wife let vs goe to bed , & we will make an heire by and by . They went to bed , & Scogin pulled the shéet & the clothes ouer his own head and his wiues , and did let a great fart : now fiste thou woman said Scogin , and we shall haue an heire by & by : so long they lay together , that with stink they were almost choked . Ah , said Scogin to his wife , I will buy no more copihold , for it is nought to make an heir . On the morrow Scogin went to the man of Law , saying , sir , be you ready to goe to Westminster ? wherefore said the man of law ▪ Scogin said to make my copy : sir said the man of law , I can make it here in my house . Nay , said Scogin , you said to me yesterday that it must bée made vnder the forme of law , and in Westminster is the best forme of law in England ; and therefore let vs go sit vnder one of those formes . Tush said the man of law , the copy must be made according to the law , and beside you & your wife , set in the copy one of your children , why said Scogin , you bad me make an heire , and I and my wife made such an heir in our beds yesternight , that she & I were almost poysoned : whereby it appeares that mis-hearing of a tale , maketh mis-understanding therefore plaine spéech is best , although Scogin knew what was spoken , and turned it to a iest . How Scogin got the Abbots horse . ON a time Scogin was sent for to the Abbot of Bury , to pastime with them , where he fell sicke and like to die , whereupon he was shriuen & would haue béene hoasted , and hee durst not for feare of casting . T●e Abbot said , Crede & manducasti , that is to say , beléeue , and thou hast receiued . When Scogin recouered , the Abbot sent him his owne horse to ride home on . Scogin sent not home the Abbots horse , wherefore the Abbot sent for his horse , but Scogin answered the messenger , and said when I was sicke at home with your Master . I would haue receiued the holy Sacrament of the Altar , and he had me beléeue , & I had receiued the sacrament of the Altar : so in like manner , let him beléeue that he hath receiued his horse , and it is sufficient , and tell him his horse he shal neuer haue : by this a man may perceiue that a man should not lend his horse , nor his weapon , nor his wife to no man , if he loue himselfe , or his owne profit : for by it neuer commeth gaines . How Scogin brought a dogs turd made in powder to the Apothecaries , to know what powder it was . VVHen that Scogin did lie sicke at Bury , he sent to the Apothecaries of London for many medicines , and some were bitter , and some were sower , and some swéet . When he was recouered and made whole , and at home in his owne house , he walked about the fields , and found uppon a mole-hill , a white dogs turd , hee put it in a napkin , and after that he dried it in an oven , and made it into powder , and went to the Apothecaries in London , and said , my friend hath sent me a powder to eat , and I cannot tell what it is : the Apothecary tasted it , and they could not tel what powder it should be . At last he came to an old Apothecary , and said , sir I pray you tell me what powder this is . The old Apothecary tasted it , and spit it out againe , and said , fie cocks dodykins , that is a turd . O good Lord , said Scogin , cunning is worth much money , your fellowes here in the City haue good mouthes to tast lamp oyle , and you haue iudged right . Here a man may see that diuers times a man shall not onely haue a shrewd turne , but a mocke for his labour . How Scogin did draw a tooth-drawers tooth . ON a time there went a tooth-drawer round about the country , with a banner ful of téeth ( as blind Physitians and Surgeons doe now adayes ) the which tooth-drawer said , he wold draw out a tooth without any paine , which was false , for when he pulled out some mens téeth , he pulled out a péece of the cheek-bone ; & tooke many mens money , & did much harme , and little good At the last he came to Scogins house , & Scogin hearing of his doings , caused him to come in , and said , Sir you be called a cunning drawer of a tooth . I haue paine in a tooth , and I would it were out of my head : sir , said the tooth-drawer , & you will , I will haue it out without any paine . I pray you said Scogin , how will you doe ? sir , sayd he , I will raise the flesh about the tooth , and then with a strong threed I will pull it out : sir , said Scogin , I can pul out a tooth so : and because you say it is no paine to pul out a tooth so , I wil first pul out one of your teeth . Nay sir , said the tooth-drawer , I haue no paine in my teeth . Although you haue not , said Scogin . I will pull a tooth out of your head , and if you haue no paine , you shall haue an Angell for your tooth : but if you haue paine , you shall haue nothing : sir , said the tooth-drawer , I will haue none of my teeth pulled out . Scogin said to his seruant , bring me a paire of manacles , for surely I will pull out one of thy téeth , ere that thou shall pul out one of mine ; therefore sit down , and take it patiently , lest thou be put to greater pains . The tooth-drawer sate him downe with an euill will , & Scogin did raise the flesh about the tooth-drawers tooth , that it was in such case , that the water did runne downe the tooth-drawers eyes . Scogin said , doth the water runne forth of your eyes for ioy , or else for paine ? The tooth-drawer said for ioy , for I trust to get an Angell of you , Bee it , said Scogin . Scogin did knit a strong ●hreed about the 〈◊〉 ●oth-drawers tooth , and gaue it a great twitch . Oh , said the tooth-drawer what doe you feele pain , said Scogin ? yea said th●●●oth-drawer , you pull not quickly . Then said Scogin , you haue lost your ●ngell : Nay , said the tooth-drawer : well , said Scogin , the tooth shall come now I trow , and Scogin did twitch and pul hard at the tooth , and pulled it out . Out alasse said the tooth-drawer : Why said Scogin cry you out ? Marry saith the tooth-drawer , the deuill would cry out of this paine : Sir , said Scogin you taught me how I should doe , and you haue lost your Angell : and séeing your cunning is no better , I will haue neuer a tooth pulled out now : and if you pull any of my neighbours téeth after such sort as you haue done , if you come in my walke , I will pull out all the téeth in your head . Eat and drinke ere you goe , and so farewell . How Scogin serued the poore folkes that came to his house to aske almes . WHiles Scogin did lye thus in the Country , there resorted to his house vagabonds and common beggers , and when hee did sée hée could not be rid of them , he said ; come this day fortnight , for then I doe giue money for my friends soule . Scogin had an old barne , that was ready to fall downe , and in the meane time hee stopped all the holes with firre bushes , broome , old fearne , and straw , and laid such trumpery about the barne . The day appointed , all the vagabonds and beggers in the Country resorted vnto Scogins house , & as they did come , they wet put into the barne , and said they should haue the● almes within a while . Scogin kept them fasting till thrée or foure of the clocke in the afternoone and then he commanded his seruants priuily 〈◊〉 set fire on the straw , & the furres round about th● bar●e , which was done . At last when the vaga● bonds & beggers did sée that they were compasse● round with fire , they said one to another , we mu●● run through the fire in some place , or else we sha●● be burnt vp : so some ran through the fire in on● place , and some in another , and durst not look behind them . Scogin cryed , saying , ●ary whorson whores , you haue set my barne on fire , you shal● be hanged euery one . They fled for feare , & neuer durst come againe to Scogins house for almes Here a man may sée euery promise is kept , or els● broken , and it is good for euery man to kéepe himselfe out of the danger of all men , and especially of great men . How Scogin came to the Court like a foole , and wonne twenty pounds with standing vnder a spout in the raine . VVHen Scogin had dwelt in the country , he returned againe to London , and fel● acquainted with Gentlemen of the Kings priuy chamber , which would faine that he should come to the Court , and they would bring him into the Kings seruice . Scogin was more beholding to one Gentleman , then to all the other , and said to him , sir I will come to the Court like a dizard or foole , and when that I come , I will aske for you , and when that we doe meet , call me aside , that I may speake with you : so on a rainy day Scogin came to the Court like a foole , and the Kings Porters asked what he would haue , and hee said my fellow sir Neuill : What manner of man is he , said the Porters ? Scogin said , he hath a nose , and goeth vp and downe on two legges : Then said the Porters this is a starke Ideot foole , doest thou know thy master , said the Porter , and if thou se●st him ? I know him , said Scogin , by his ●ap . Then said the Porters the one to the other , who doe you thinke should be this fooles master ? some said one , some said another ; at the last one said , I trow hee bee Sir William Neuils Foole. When Scogin heard him say so , hee leapt about and did laugh . Then one of the Porters went to Sir William Neuill , and asked him if hee had not a Foole. Yes said Sir William Neuill : marry said the Porter , it is a mad merry Foole. Yea , said Sir William Neuill , hee is a very Jdest , he is not wise : Said the Porter , shall hee come to you ? Nay , said Sir William Neuil , I will goe my selfe to the Foole. When Sir William Neuill and Scogin did méet , Sir William Neuill sayd , A Tom , how dost thou ? ( it rained ●ore ) and Scogin said , I cannot bee in rest , for these knanes doe powre water still vpon me , and no man touched him , but the rain that fell down ) Well Tom , said Sir William Neuill , come with me , and thou shalt goe to the fire and dry thée . He brought him to his chamber , and then said Scogin to Sir William Neuill , goe and say , you haue a naturall foole come to you , and if he were set vnder one of the spouts that doe runne so fast with rain water , he will not come out . And make some great wager with some great man , and lay downe the money , that I will stand still vnder the spout , vntill the time that I bee fetcht away by you , for I lacke money , and I care not , said Scogin to be wet . Then sir William went round about the Court with his foole , and another Knight met with him , and said , What , haue you got a foole ? yea , said Sir William Neuill , hee is such a foole , that if hee bee set vnder one of these spouts of the leads that runneth now with raine-water , hee will neuer come away , vntill I doe fetch him out of it . It is not so , said the Knight : yes , said Sir William Neuill , and on that I will lay twenty pound : I hold it , said the Knight , lay downe the money . Scogin was glad of that : then sir William Neuill said , Tom , come with me , and thou shalt haue a figge . A fig fellow , said Scogin , where is it ? Come said Sir William Neuill , and thou shalt sée . He brought him vnder one of the spouts that did runne with water , and said , here is water to wash thy fig , stand stil & I will bring thée a fig by & by : Sir William Neuill departed , and Scogin stood so long vnder the spout , crying and calling for his fellow sir William Neuill , that the water ran out at his heeles and his bréethes , as fast as it did fall into his necke , and vpon his head and body , still calling & crying vpon his fellow sir William Neuill . ●he Knight séeing this , thought hee should lose his bargaine , said to sir William Neuill Will you giue mee leaue to entice him away by any craft or policy ? yea , said sir William Neuill , I am pleased , doe what you can , so that by no strength ou take him away : Nay said the Knight , that I wil not . ●he knight went to Scogin and said , A Tom , thy Master hath left thée alone , and is dead , come with me to a fire , and dry thee . Tehée said Scogin , fellow hoe , where art thou ? why said the Knight , thy fellow is dead , come and eat figs with me . Nay said Scogin , 〈◊〉 y fellow will giue me a better fig then you will. The Knight meant of a figge , but Scogin meant of the money that was laid on the bargaine , in the which hee did know that his part was , so that by no manner of meanes , nor policy , or craft , no man could get Scogin from standing vnder the spont . Euery man pitied Scogin , and said , this ●●ole will dye vnder the spout then said the Knight and euery man , goe you master Neuil● and fetch him away , for it is a foole of all fooles Then said Sir William Neuil● , if I fetch him away I haue wonne the bargaine . The Knight said , it is so . Then sir William Neuill went to Scogin , and as soone as Scogin had espyed him , he leapt and danced vnder the spout , saying , hast thou brought my fig ? no ●om , said Sir William Neuill but come with me , and thou shalt goe to a fire . Nay said Scogin , giue mee a fig. Come with me , said Sir William Neuill and thou shalt haue a fig. Sir William Neuill brought him to his chamber , where he had a good fire , and gaue him the wager that was won . How Scogin leapt ouer the Tables when dinner was done . SCogin did marke the fashions of the Court , & amongst all other things , her did marke how men did leape ouer the table in the Kings Hall , to sit downe to dinner and supper , which is not vsed now . Scogin seeing this , that as many as did sit at the Table had meat , and they that stood in the hall beside , had none , all that time he made shift for himselfe . And when dinner was done , and all the tables taken vp , Scogin set out trestles and leapt ouer them , and leapt ouer the tables , and leapt from one table to another , that euery body maruelled what he meant . At last one did aske of him what hee meant by leaping ouer the tables . Scogin said , I doe learne against supper to leape to sit downe , for he that cannot leap , getteth no meat here . Therefore to forecast , and some prouision is good at all times . How Scogin gaue one a Goose legge , that was giuen him , and afterward told him he had eaten an hundred lice . IN the Court one gaue Scogin a goose leg , saying , hold Tom , eat this . Hee put it in his bosome . At last he came to one , and gaue him the goose leg : and within a while after Scogin met with the man vnto whom he had giuen the goose leg ? & said to him : Hast thou eaten the goose leg ? the man said , yea : Much good do it thee , said Scogin , thou hast eaten an hundred lice . The man took a conceit , & did cast vp all his meat againe . Here it is good to mark that a man beléeue not euery word that another doth speake ; for some doe lie , some do iest , some doe mock , and some do scorn , and many men doe say the very truth . How Scogin swept a Lords Chamber . SCogin on a time was desired to swéepe a Lords chamber , and when he had swept al the dust together , hee threw it out against the wind , and the wind blew it againe into his face . Then said Scogin to the wind , let mee cast out my duff whorson I say . Euery man laughed at Scogin , seeing him to chide with the wind . How Scogin told those that mocked him , that he● had a wall eye . SCogin went vp and downe in the Kings hall , and his hosen hung downe , and his 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 awry , and his hat stood a booniour , so euery man did mocke Scogin , some said hee was a proper man , and did weare his rayment cleanly : some said , the whorson foole could not put on his owne rayment : same said one thing and some said another : at last Scogin said , Masters , you haue praised me wel , but you did not espy one thing in me . What is that Tom , said the men ? Marry said Scogin , I haue a wall eye . What meanest thou by that , said the men ? Marry , said Scogin , I haue spyed a sort of knaues that doe mocke me , and are worse sooles themselues . How Scogin drew his sonne vp and downe the Court. AFter this , Scogin went from the Court and put off his fooles garments , and came to the Court like an honest man , and brought his son to the Court with him , and within the Court he drew his son vp and downe by the heeles . The boy cried out , and Scogin drew the boy in euery corner . At last euery man had pity on the boy , and said , sir , what doe you meane to draw the boy about the Court ? Masters , said Scogin , he is my sonne , and I doe it for this cause ; euery man doth say , that that man , or child , which is drawne vp in the Court , shall be the better as long as hee liues : and therefore I will euery day once draw him vp and downe the Court , after that hee may come to preferment in the end . How Scogin greased a fat sow on the arse . SCogin had got a fat Sow , & killed her vnder the Court wall , besides the Kings gate , hee made a great fire , and got a great spit , & put the Sow on the spit , & rosted her , and bought twenty pounds of butter , and still hee powred the butter with a ladle on the sowes buttocks Diuers men came to him , and said , why dost thou grease this fat sow on the arse ? He said , I doe as Kings and Lords , and euery man else doth ; for hee that hath enough , shall haue more , and he that hath nothing shall go without , and this sow needeth no basting nor greasing , for she is fat enough , yet shall shee haue more then enough . How the King gaue Scogin a house to doe what he would with it . SCogin through Sir William Neuils procuration or preferment , was brought to the Kings presence . The King said to him , Art thou he that did play the foole in my Court , and didst leaps to and fro in my Hall ouer the tables ? Yea , and it like your Grace , said Scogin . And art thou hee that did grease the fat sow on the arse ? Yea , said Scogin . And why didst thou so ? said the King : Scogin said , I doe as your Grace doth , and all your Lords as well spirituall as temporall and as all rich men doe , which doe giue to them that haue enough , more then enough , and hee which hath nothing , except he bee an importunate crauer , shall goe without , and vnlesse that hee haue some man to speake for him , hee may goe pipe in an Juy leafe . Why said the King , what liuing hast thou ? Nothing , said Scogin , nor neuer a house of mine owne to put my head in . Would God , said Scogin , that I might haue some Cottage to dwell in . The King said , if thou wilt bee my Seruant , I will giue thee a house in Cheapside . I thanke your Grace , said Scogin , but I pray you giue it me , so that I may doe with my house what I will. Yea , said the King , make thy writings after thine owne mind , with the best counsel that thou canst , and it shal be sealed . Scogin was glad of that , and he did make to do with his house what hee would , his writings sealed with the Kings signe Mannel . A little after the sealing , Scogin did buy a load of firres , and two load of straw , and did cause it to bee cast downe in Cheapeside , before the house that the King did giue him . Diuers men did maruell what it should meane . And within a while , Scogin with his men of Law , and other , did come to the house to take possession : so after the forme of law he tooke possession . Then said Scogin , this house is old , and to pul it downe were a great cost and charge ; wherefore I will burne it vp with these firres & straw : peraduenture I will make of it a Church , or Chappell , that a Priest may sing for mee , so long as the world doth continue . Goe , said Scogin to his seruants , & fetch me hither some men to carry into my house straw and firres : sir , said the good man of the house , I pray take a little respite , I haue goods in your house , and you cannot burne your house , but you shall hurt the whole street . What is that to me , said Scogin , I haue no charter of my life , I am about a charitable act for my soules health : for charity first must bee shewed to a mans owne selfe , and after that to his neighbour : sir , said the Merchant that was good man of the house , let it stand , and I and my neighbours will giue you as much as it is worth . Nay , said Scogin , I will not sell it . ●hen said the Merchant , what shall I and my neighbours giue you to let it stand still , and I will pay you more then it was rented for before ? There goeth a bargaine , said Scogin , goe to all your neighbours , and bring me word what they will giue me The neighbours did cast their heads together , & considering that hee was ( as they thought ) in the Kings fauor , would gladly giue him 40 pounds . When Scogin heard these tidings , he was glad , and said , come bring mee the money , and I am contented that my house shall stand still , so that it may bee ouer rented according to my tenants promise . Thus Scogin by policy got money . How Scogin played horse play in the Q. chamber . SCogin said on a time to the Quéene then being , Madam , and it like your Grace , will you haue horse play playd in your chamber ? Yea , said the Queene . Scogin vntrussed his points , and put downe his bréeches , as if hee would haue bewrayd the chamber , and then kicked with his héeled , and said , wehée . Then hee said to his seruant , come and combe me here , and then turne and kicke and winse with thy heeles , and say , wehee . Out knaue , said the Queen , out of my chamber . Scogin went out of the chamber , saying , That he did it not , but by her leaue ; and with her leaue hee might doe her a great peece of seruice . After that the Quéen would haue no more horse-play in her chamber . Therefore it is good for a man to know what will happen , before hee giue leaue to a businesse . How Scogin let a fart , and sayd it was worth forty pounds . THat time that Scogin was conuersant , both in the Kings chamber , and in the Queenes , Scogin would peake here and there , about in the Queenes chamber , or lodging : the Quéene by custome , ( as most commonly all great women , and Ladies , and Gentlewomen doe : ) shee let a fart , saying , the same is worth to mee twenty pound . Scogin hearing this , girt out a fa●t like a horse or mare , saying , if that fart be so deare of twenty pound , my fart is worth forty pounds . Pere a man may sée , that a knaue may doe that which an honest man may not speake . How Scogin asked of the King fiue hundred okes . ON a time Scogin said to the King then being , and if it shall please your Grace to giue me fiue hundred Okes to build me a house in the country , I were much bound to your Grace . The king said , will not an hundred Okes serue thée ? Yes & it like your Grace , said Scogin , it would do me good ease . Well sayd the King , as for an hundred Okes thou shalt haue with the better . I doe thank your Grace , said Scogin , for if I had asked but an hundred Okes at the first , I had had but twenty . Therefore it is good to aske enough of great men , for then he shall haue somewhat . How Scogin would haue made a shepheard aske him blessing . ON a certaine time the King rode a progresse , and Scogin rode with the King , and as they did ride , Scogin spied a shepheard , and then hee said to the King , I will make yonder shepheard to aske me blessing , for I will face him downe that I am his god-father . Let me sée that said the King. Scogin did pricke forth his horse , and saluted the shepheard , saying , Good fellow where wert thou borne ? He said in Lewksbury . Yea , said Scogin , I doe know that better then thou dost , for I am thy Godfather , I am he that did lift thée from the cold water . Nay , not so , said the fellow , I know my God-father . Scogin said , I am one of them , therefore sit down on thy knées , and aske mee blessng , and thou shalt haue a groat . Nay , sayd the Shepheard , I will none of your groat , nor I will not sit down on my knées : No , said Scogin , if thou wilt not sit downe and aske me blessing , I will make thée ; therefore do it by saire meanes . I will , sayd the shepheard , aske of thée no blessing . Scogin leapt downe off his horse , and drew out his wood-knife , saying , sit downe thou old knaue , and doe thy duty to thy god-father . The shepheard said , put vp thy knife , or else I will blesse thée with me shéep-hook , yea , said Scogin , that would I faine sée : Scogin did flie at the shepheard , and the shepheard at him , that at the last Scogin did bear off the shepheards blowes with his head and shoulders , & elbowes . The King séeing that Scogin had the worst , said , stand to him Scogin , stand to him Scogin . Scogin answered the King , I would you stood as nigh to him as I doe : for then he would not only beat out all the dust in your coat , but make some of your gingles flye about your face . Scogin was weary of his god-fathership , and ran to his horse . The shepheard followed him , and gaue him thrée or foure good stripes ouer the backe & shoulders , saying , take your leaue good god-father of your child are you goe . Scogin leapt vpon his horse , and rode to the King. Then the King said to Scogin , haue you giuen your blessing to your god-sonne , or hath your god-sonne blessed you ? I hen said Scogin . a man cannot haue a shrewd turne , but he must be also mocked for his labour . Here a man may see , that diuers times a man may do a thing in sport , and at the last it doth turne into good earnest . How Scogin gaue a Cowheard forty shillings to teach him his cunning in the weather . ON a time as Scogin was riding to the Abbot of Bury , hée asked of a Cowheard how far it was to Bury . The Cowheard said twenty miles . May I , said Scogin , ride thither to night : Yea , said the Cowheard , if you ride not too fast , & also if you ride not a good pace , you will be wet ere you come halfe way there . As Scogin was riding on his way , he did sée a cloud arise that was blacke , and being afraid to be wet , he spurred his horse and did ride a great pace , and riding so fast , his horse stumbled and strained his leg , & might not goe . Scogin reuoluing in his mind the Cow-heards words , did set vp his horse at a poore mans house , and returned to the Cowheard , supposing that he had beene a good Astronomer , because hée said , if you ride not too fast , you may be at Bury to night , and also if you doe not ride fast , you shal be wet ere you come there . Scogin said to the Cowheard , what shall I giue thee to tell mée , when I shall haue raine or faire weather ? There goeth a bargain said the Cowheard : what wilt thou giue me ? Scogin said , twenty shillings . Nay said the Cowheard for forty shillings I will tell you and teach you , but I will bee paid first . Hold the money said Scogin . The Cowheard said , Sir doe you sée yonder Cow with the cut taile ? Yea , said Scogin : sir , said the Cowheard , when that she doth begin to set vp her rumpe , & draw to a hedge or bush , within an houre after you shall haue raine : therfore take the Cow with you , and keepe her as I doe , and you shall euer be sure to know when you shall haue faire weather or foule . Nay said Scogin , kéepe thy Cow still , and giue me twenty shillings of my mony . That is of my gentlenes said the Cowheard , howbeit you séeme to bee an honest man , there is twenty shillings . Here a man may sée , that wit is neuer good till it be bought . How a man told Scogin , that he thought the building of Paules cost forty shillings . ON a time a poore man did come to London , to speake with Scogin , and Scogin had him to Paules Church to talke with him , & both walked round about the Church : the poore man said , here is a goodly Church . Yea , said Scogin , what doe you thinke it cost making ? The poore husbandman said , I trow it cost vorty shilling . Yea , said Scogin that it did , and vorty shilling thereto . Ho there said the poore man. Here a man may sée , that little portion of money is a great sum in a poore mans purse , and he that is ignorant in a matter , should be no iudge . Of him that thought Paules steeple had beene so high , that one might looke ouer it . THis aforesaid poore man desired that hée might sée Paules steeple , that euery one sayd was so high . Scogin had the man into Finsbury field , & shewed him Pauls , saying ; yonder is Pauls stéeple . Tush , said the man , is that so high a stéeple : a man may looke ouer it . The poore man thought it had béene so high , that no man might sée or looke ouer it . And thus you may see what the effect of simplicity is . How Scogin desired the King that hee might say , Aue Maria gratia plena , Dominus tecum , in his eare at certaine times . ON a certain time Scogin went to the kings Grace , and did desire that he might come to him diuers times and sound in his eares , Aue Maria gratia plena , Dominus tecum . The King was content he should doe so except hée were in great businesse Nay , said Scogin , I will marke my time : I pray your Grace that I may do thus this tweluemoneth , I am pleased said the King. Many men were suters to Scogin to bée good to them , and did giue him many gifts and rewards of gold and siluer , and other gifts , so that within the yéere , Scogin was a great rich man : so when this yeere was out , Scogin desired the King to breake his fast with him . The King said , I will come . Scogin had prepared a Table for the King to breake his fast , and made him a goodly Cubboor● of plate of gold and siluer , and hée had cast ouer all his beds and tables , and co ners of his chamber full of gold and siluer : when the King did come thither , and see so much plate , and gold , and siluer , he asked of Scogin where he had it , and how he did get all this treasure ? Scogin said , by saying the Aue Maria in your eare , and séeing I haue got so much by it , what doe they get that be about your Grace daily , and bee of your counsell , when that I with sixe words speaking haue gotten so much ? He must needs swim that is held vp by the chin . How Scogin chalked out his wife the way to Church . ON a time Scogins wife desired him that hée would let her haue a man to goe before her when shée went abroad , or to Church . Why said Scogin , know you not the way to the Church ? The next sunday he arose betime in the morning and tooke a péece of chalke , and made a strike all along the way from his house to the Church . When his wife would goe to the Church , shée desired him again that one of his seruants might goe before her to Church . It shall not néed said Scogin , for if you follow this chalke it will bring you the right way to the Church doore : so Scogins wife was faine to goe to Church without a 〈◊〉 How Scogin desired of the Queene to know whether riches would not tempt men , and especially women . ON a time Scogin was iesting with the Queene , and said , Madam , riches , as gold , siluer , precious stones , and dignity doe tempt men , and especiall women very sore , and cause women to fall to lechery and folly . The Queene said , a good woman would neuer bée tempted with gold or siluer , or other riches . I pray you Madam , said Scogin , if there were a goodly Lord or a Knight , that would giue you forty thousand pound to dally with you , what would you say to it ? The Quéene said if any man liuing would giue an hundred thousand pounds , I would not léese my honesty for it . Then said Scogin , what if a man did giue you an hundred thousand thousand pounds , what would you doe ? I would said the Quéene , doe no folly for so much . Then said Scogin , what if a man did giue you this house full of gold ? The Quéene said , a woman would doe much for that . Loe , said Scogin , if a man had g●ods enough , he might haue a soueraigne Lady . For the which words the Queene tooke high displeasure with Scogin . Wherfore it doth appeare , that it is not good iesting with Lords or Ladies : for if a man be plaine , or doe tell the truth , hée shall be shent for his labour . How Scogin when he should haue beene beaten amongst the Ladies and Gentlemomen , bad the strongest whore of them all giue the first stroke . THe Quéene taking high displeasure with Scogin , desired of the King to haue Scogin punished , The King said , punish him as it shall please you . The Queene said to her Ladies and Gentlewomen , get euery one of you a napkin , & lay a stone in it , and let halfe of you stand at the one side of the chamber , & the other halfe at the other side , & when that Scogin shall come through , you shal strik him with your stones . Scogin was sent for , and he séeing the Quéene , & the Ladies , and the Gentlewomen , standing at euery side on a row , Scogin said , shall we haue here a play , or a procession ? Nay knaue said the Quéene , thou hast diuers times played the knaue with me , and I haue licence of the King to punish thée as I shall thinke best : wherfore come hither to me , for euery Lady and Gentlewoman that is here , shall beat thée with stones . God forbid , said Scogin , for then you will kill me ; it were better that I did beat you with stones . But Madam , ere I haue this great punishment , let me speak a few words shall I put off my rayment , and come naked among you ? No , not so said the Quéene , come through as thou art . And if I goe through you , said Scogin , I shall kill you . Come forth said the Quéen . I come said Scogin , & the strōgest whore of you all strike the first stroke . The Ladies & the Gentlewomen looked one vpon another , one said I am no whore , the other said , I am as honest of my body as the best of you all , so there fell a contention among them Then Scogin said , Madam & it like your Grace , will you command mée any more seruice ? Goe knaue said the Quéene , & bid thy wife come & speake with me . Scogin said , & it like your Grace my wife cannot heare , except you speak very high : let her come said the Quéen , and I will deale with her well enough . How Scogins wife came to the Queene , and how Scogin was banished the Court. WHen Scogins wife came to the Court , shée was brought to the Quéene , the Quéene with a high voyce said to Scogins wife , art thou Scogins wife ? Scogin had shewed his wife before that the Queene could not heare , & she cryed out to the Quéen , & said , yea Madam , I am Scogins wife . The Queene cryed out to Scogins wife , and said , if thou bée no honester then thy husband , it is pity that thou shouldest liue , wherfore counsel him that he do not raile so largely as hée doth with me . Scogins wife cryed out to the Quéen , saying and it like yeur Grce he wil not be ruled by me : why dost thou cry out so loud said the Quéen ? Madam , said Scogins wife , my husband shewed me , that you could not heare . Why what a knaue is that , said the Quéen , he told me that thou couldst not heare . Alas , said Scogins wife , I aske you mery , for I had thought you could not heare . Well , said the Quéene , I will be euen with the varlet thy husband , for mocking thée & me . Whereupon the Quéene went to the King , saying ; I pray your Grace that you would banish Scogin from the Court. The King sent for Scogin , & said thou hast displeased the Quéen , wherefore I doe banish thée the Court , & if thou doe come hither any more , my hounds and dogs shall be set vpon thee . Scogin went his way , and within two or thrée daies he had got a quick hare & was going to the Court : when the Kings seruants had espied him , they shewed the King that Scogin was come to the Court. The King said ; take all the hounds and dogs , and set them vpon Scogin . Euery man did run , some with hounds , and some with dogs . Scogin made no great hast . When the Kings seruants had espied him , they did maintaine their dogges to runne at Scogin . When the hounds were nigh Scogin , he cast before them the quick Hare , and said to the hounds ; Now , now , whoresons . The Hounds espied the Hare , and followed her , and left Scogin : so Scogin went to the Court , and the Hare escaped from the Hounds . The Kings seruants shewed what Scogin had done , whereupon the King sent for Scogin , and said , thou didst cast a Hare before my Dogges , when they were set vpon thée , goe and looke out the said Hare , or else thou shalt suffer death . The said Scogin , I can get you another quicke Hare , but it will bée hard for me to find out the selfe same Hare . I wil haue the selfe same Hare said the King : why said Scogin , I cannot tell where , or whither I shoud goe to looke him . The King said , thou must looke him as well where he is not , as where he is . Wel said Scogin , then I trust to find him out : Scogin in the morning did goe vpon the Kings leades , & tooke with him a pickare and a great béetle , and ouer the King he tore vp the leades , and did beat down the battlement : some of the priuy chamber séeing this , went to Scogin , and said ; what art thou doing thou mad fellow ? What am I doing , said Scogin , I am doing the Kings commandement . Why said the Gentleman , the King did not command thée to cast downe his palace . Wel said Scogin , if I doe otherwise then I was commanded to doe , shew your mind to the King. The Gentleman went to the King , and said ; Did you command Scoggin to cast downe the battlement of your place , and to pull vp your Lead ? Nay said the King. The Gentleman said , that Scogin was making a foule worke vpon the leades . Goe said the King , & bid him come speake with me . Scogin came to the King , which said to him , why doest thou pull vp my lead , & cast down the battlement of my place ? Scogin said , I was doing your commandement . My commandement said the king ? yea said Scogin , & it like your Grace , for yesterday you did command me vpon paine of my life , to looke out the Hare that I did cast among your hounds , & I said , I could not tell where I should looke him : and you said , I must looke him as wel where he was not , as where he was : and peraduenture he is crept vnder the leads of this place , or else some other of your places ; and I will séeke & search all the places in England , but I will find out the Hare . Nay , said the King , thou shalt not doe so , for I charge thee vpon paine of thy death , to goe out of my Realme , and to tread vpon none of my ground here in England . How Scogin in the French Kings Court , came to a Gentlewomans doore , and whined like a dog . WHen Scogin was thus commanded by the King , hee got him into France , into the French Kings Court , & there he iested . And first there was a Gentleman which made a gentlewoman promise to come to her bed at nine a clock at night , he did promise to come to her chāber doore , and would scrape & s●rtch at the doore like a dog , and would whine . Scogin hearing this bargaine , before nine a clocke came to the doore , and scrapt with his nailes , and did whine like a dog . Then the Gentlewoman did rise and let him in ; within a little while after , the Gentleman did come , and scrape & whine at the doore like a dog . Scogin arose and went to the doore , and said , arre , arre , like another dog . And after that , the french Gentlewoman did loue and Englishman . Wherefore in such matters , let a man make no body of his counsell , lest he be deceiued . How Scogin told the French men he would flye into England . ON a time Scogin made the Frenchmen beléeue that hée would flie into England , and did get him many goose wings , and tyed them about his armes and legs , and went vpon an high tower , and spread his armes abroad as though he would flie , and came downe againe , and said , that all his feathers were not fit about him , and that hée would flie on the morrow . On the morrow hée got him vp vpon the Tower , and there was much people gathered together to sée him flie . Scogin did shake his feathers , and said , all my feathers be not fit about me , come to morrow , & I will fly . On the morrow Scogin got vpon the Tower , and did shake his feathers , saying , Goe home fooles , goe home , trow you that I will breake my necke for your pleasure ? nay , not so . There was a French man had indignation at Scogin and he said , to morrow you shall sée mée flie to Paris . And he got him wings , and went vp vpon the Tower , and spread his wings abroad , and would haue flowne , and fell downe into the mote vnder the Tower. Euery man was diligent to get the man out of the water , and Scogin did take him by the hand , and said , sir you be welcome from Paris . I thinke you haue béene in a great raine . Here a man may see that one cannot haue a shrewd turne in playing the foole , but he shall haue a mocke for his labour . How Scogin prayed to a Roode for an hundred French Crownes . VVHen Scogin was at Paris , hée went to a Church , & knéeled down before the Rood , and made his prayers as hereafter followeth : O thou most blessed God , whom I haue honoured & serued all my life , take so much pity on me , as to giue me but a hundred french crowns , for now my néed is so great that I must needes haue so much , & no lesse , for if I haue but one lesse , I will not take it . Scogin still continued his prayers , & wold haue no lesse then a hundred french crowns The Parson of the Church was in the Rood-loft , and heard all his prayers , and thought hee would try him , whether he would doe as hee said or no , and went & did stand behind the Rood , and cast downe before Scogin one French Crowne : Scogin seeing this , was glad , and said ; O thou most blessed Lord , thou knowest that this will doe me but little pleasure . Scogin continued still in his prayers , and desired the Roode to cast him downe the rest , declaring what great need he had . At the last when he saw there would no more be cast downe , he said , perchance , O Lord , thou hast no more money here now , and therefore I will take this in part of payment , till thou hast more store : for I know , O most blessed Lord , that thou art so pitifull a Lord , that if thou hadst so much here , I should haue it , and then he tooke vp the french Crowne and went his way . When the Parson saw this , he repented him that he had cast downe the French Crowne , and said ; If I had thought thou wouldest haue had it , I would not haue cast it downe to lose it so easily . How Scogin was new christened , and confirmed a knaue by the French Bishop . THere was a Bishop in France , which was of the French kings Priuy Counsell . This Bishop had a man , whose name was Peter Arcadus : This Peter Arcadus fauoured Scogin much because he was so merry , in so much , that hee got Scogin to be his chamberfellow , through whose procuration Scogin came in fauour with the Bishop . And on a time , Scogin in his iesting said , that the Bishops nose was so long , that hee could kisse no body : for which the Bishop was angry , and commanded him to come no more within his gates . Then Scogin went and bought a couple of Woodcocks , and because he could not be suffered to come in at the Bishops gate , he got a long pole or rafter , the which he laid ouer the mote or ditch of the Bishops house , intending to come vnto the Bishop , and giue him the woodcocks for a present . As Scogin was halfe way ouer the rafter slipt , and he fell into the Mote : at last , Scogin got out , and came in where hee found the Bishop at dinner , and said ; If it please your honour , here I haue brought you a couple of Woodcockes . The Bishop seeing him , said , why thou knaue , I commanded thée to come no more within thy gates . Scogin said , I came not in at your gates , for I came ouer your mote , where I was new christened , and now you haue confirmed me a knaue , so by this meanes I must néeds be a knaue : Therefore I desire you my Lord , not to bee displeased , although I play the knaue . Where at the Bishop and all that were in the house laughed , and then the Bishop said , I will pardon you for this time , so that hereafter you will be an honest man. How Scogin deceiued a Doctor of Physicke . THere was one Master Cranwood a Doctor of Physicke in Paris , and hee in a morning did fetch from a Gold-smith a siluer Cup , the which he had bargained for the day before , and he payed for it 26 french crowns , the which when he came home , he deliuered to his wife , and bad her set it vp in her bubbord , and he told her hee would goe visit his patients All this Scogin saw , and drew so néere to the Doctor , that he heard what he did say to his wife , and when he was gone to his patients , Scogin went to the market and bought a Pickerell , for it was on a sriday , and came to mistres Cranwood the Doctors wife , and said , Mistresse , your Husband here hath sent you here a Pickerell , which he doth desire you to make ready against dinner , for he intendeth to haue one of his friends to dine with him to day , and he prayeth you to send him by me the siluer cup that hée bid you set vp in your Cubboord , for he will haue the Gold-smith graue his name in it . Mistresse Cranwood deliuered to Scogin the Cup , who incontinent went home to his chamber-fellow Peter , and told him what hee had done . When the Doctor came home , and did sée such good chéere , hee asked his wife where shée had the Pickerell : shée smiled on him , and said , sir you know well enough , for you sent it mee in the morning by him that brought you your siluer Cup. Why said the Doctor , I sent you no Pickerell , nor no body brought me my siluer cup : yes that you did , said his wife , for he that came for it , said , that you would haue your name grauen in it . When the Doctor did perceiue that hée was deceiued of his Cup , he began to chafe with his wife , and at the last said , I trow he might well giue a Pickerell , séeing he hath for it my siluer Cup , which cost 26 Crownes . How Scogin and three or foure more deceiued Tapster . ON a night Scogin and his chamber-fellow and two or thrée of the Bishops seruants being merrily disposed , consult how they might haue good chéere and pay no money , and euery one inuented a way as they thought best . At las● Scogin said , I haue inuented a cleanly shift : At the signe of the Crowne against Peters Church , is a new Tapster , which ere this hath not séene any of vs , and he is also purblind , so that if he sée vs hereafter , he cannot know vs Therefore wée will goe thither and make good chéere , and when we haue a reckoning , we will contend who shall pay all , then will I say to auoid the contention , that the Tapster shal be blinded , and we wil run round about him , and whosoeuer he catcheth first let him pay for all , and so we may escape away . Euery man liked Scogins deuice best , so in conclusion they came thither , and had good chéere , for they spared no cost : so that in the end their reckoning drew to ten shillings . Then as Scogin had deuised afore they did . The Tapster was blinded , so they ran round about him , and fist Scogin got out , and then another , so that at the last they got all away , and left the tapster groping in euery place about the house for him that should pay the shot . The master of the house being in a chamber next to the place where they were , and hearing the stamping that they made , came in to sée what they did , whom the Tapster caught in his armes , saying , sir you must pay the reckoning . Marry said his Master , so I thinke I must indéed , for here is no body else to pay it . Then the Tapster and his Master sought and enquired for Scogin , and the rest , but they could neither ●nd them , nor heare newes of them . How Scogin deceiued the Poulters wife . ON a time the aforesaid Bishop should feast diuers French Lords , and hee gaue vnto Peter Archadus ( Scogins chamber-fellow ) twenty French Crownes to bestow at the Poulters , in Feasant , Partridge , Ploner , Quaile , Woodcock , Larke and such other : and because Scogins chamber-fellow had great busines to do , he wrote all such things as he would haue bought in a bill , and desired Scogin to bestow the money , who was well contented . When Scogin had this money , he imagined in his mind how hee might deceiue some Poulter , and so to haue the money to himselfe . At last hee came to a Poulter in Paris , and said , sir , it is so that my Master the Abbot of Spilding , doth feast a great many of his friends , and I must haue so many of euery sort of your wares as is mentioned in this bill , therefore I pray you lay them out quickly , and let the bill be prised reasonably , and to morrow in the morning I will fetch them , and you shall haue your money . The wares were laid out and prized , and the sum came to sixe pound and odde money . Then on the morrow Scogin did come to the Poulter , and asked if euery thing were ready . Yea , said the Poulter , & here is your bill reasonably prized . Then said Scogin , let some body goe with me for to receiue your money : the Poulter said , my wife shal goe with you . Scogin went to S. Peters Church , where there was a Priest that had on his Albe , and was ready to goe to Masse : Scogin went to the Priest , and said ; Master , here is a woman that will not bee perswaded that her Husband ought to be her head , and I haue brought her to you , to the intent you should perswade her . The Priest said , he would doe what he could . I thanke you , said Scogin . Then Scogin came to the woman , and said , if you will haue your money , come to my Master , and heare what he doth say . Then Scogin came to the Priest , and said , Master , here is the woman , will you dispatch her after Masse is done ? yea , said the Priest . Then said Scogin to the woman , you heare what my master doth say , therefore I pray you send me by some token whereby I may receiue the wares . The woman sent him by a true token , and then Scogin did hire two Porters , and did fetch away all the wares from the Poulters house , and did carry it to his chamber : when masse was done , the Priest called the Poulters wife vnto him , and asked why she would not acknowledge her husband to be her head ? Why , said the woman , I cannot tarry to reason of such matters , therefore I pray you to pay me my money , that I were gone : wherfore said the Priest ? the woman said , for wares that your man hath receiued . What man , said the Priest ? he that spake to you when you went to masse : the Priest said , he is none of my man , and he said to me , that you would not bee perswaded that your husband ought to be your head . What master Abbot said the woman , you shal not mock me so , I must haue 6 pound & 8 shillings of you for wares that your man hath receiued , for you promised to pay me when you went to masse . I am no Abbot , said the Priest , nor none of my men neuer receiued any thing of you , nor I promised nothing when I went to masse , but that I would perswade you to obey your Husband , who ought to be your head , and so the Priest went his way . The woman perceiuing that shee was deceiued , went home to sée if Scogin had receiued the ware and he had receiued them , and was gone an houre before . Then both she and her husband sought for Scogin , but they could not find him . How Scogin deceiued the Draper . WHen Scogin should be made Master of Art , he wanted mony to buy his apparell , and he mused in his mind what shift he might make . At last hée went to London to a Draper , and said , sir , it is so , that I haue a master which is Deane of Wels , and he would haue foure gowne clothes of sundry colours , but they must bée sad colours , and fine cloath , and he must haue thrée paire of hose clothes and lining ; and I pray you make me a bill of the price of euery thing , and to morrow you shall haue mony . On the morrow in the morning Scogin went to Pauls Church , & hée did sée a lusty Priest come in with two or three seruants , and did ask where he might say masse , & when the place was appointed , Scogin did run to the Draper , & said , Sir , you must come or send one to receiue your money , for my master wil say masse , & then in all hast he must goe to West m●nster , therefore let one of your seruants cut off the cloth . The Draper & Scogin went to Pauls , and by that time the Priest had on his Alte , ready to goe to masse . Scogin went to the Priest , & sayd , master , it is so , that I haue a friend here which is troubled with a chin-cough , and he & I desire you that after masse he may haue thrée sups of the chalice , & for your paines he doth pray you to come to him to breakfast . The Priest sayd , I am pleased , I will doe your desire Then Scogin went to the Draper , & said , sir , come & heare what my master doth say . Then Scogin said to the Priest , master , here is the Gentleman , will you dispatch him when masse is done ? yea , said the Priest . Then said Scogin , here is your bill of accounts , now send me to your seruants , by what token I shall receiue that which my master hath bought . The Draper said , by the same token that I did tell them yesternight , that if they wold not take héed in time , they should neuer thriue . Upon this token all the stuffe was deliuered to Scogin , and he caried it to the Carriers , and sent it to Oxford . When the masse was done , the Priest called the Draper , & said , Gentleman come hither to me , if you will haue 3 sups of the chalice , sit downe on your knees . Why , said the Draper , should I sup of the Chalice ? and wherefore shall I sit down on my knées ? Marry sir , said the Priest , your seruant , as I suppose , did come to mee before masse , saying , that you had the chin-cough , and that you would haue thrée sups of the chalice , to bee mended of your disease . The Draper said , Master Deane of Welles , you shall not mocke mee so , I must haue 13 pound of you for clothes that your seruant hath of me for foure gown clothes , & thrée hose clothes , and lining for them , & here is a bill of euery parcell , & you said before masse that I shold haue it . What , said the Priest ? Money , said the Merchant . Nay , not so , said the Priest , I am not Deane of Welles , nor I neuer bought nor sold with you , & you shall haue no money of me , for I promised nothing before masse , but 3 sups of the chalice , & if thou wilt haue that , take it , or els fare ye wel . A fart for thy 3 sups of the chalice , said the Draper giue me my mony . I owe thee none , said the Priest , nor none shalt thou haue of me . The Merchant could not tel what to say , but hied himselfe home to seeke for Scogin , which was gone . Then said the Draper , I trow wee haue spun a faire thraed , where is the man that should haue the cloth ? The seruants said , sir , he hath it , and is gone . Which way , said the Merchant ? We cannot tel , said his seruants . Why , said the Draper , did you deliuer him al the stuffe ? yes , sir , said they , because you sent vs a true token . Then said the ●raper , I would I had béene ware my selfe first , for if I make many such bargaines I shall neuer thriue . How Scogin told a shoe-maker hee was not at home . THere was a shoe-maker in Paris , which was a widower , and he was not very wise , of him Scogin bought all his shooes , and on a time Scogin came to the shoe-makers house to speak with him . The shoo-maker was at dinner , and bad his maid say that he was not at home . Scogin by the maids answer perceiued that her master was within , but for that time he dissembled the matter , and went home : shortly after the shoo-maker came to Scogins chamber , & asked for him ; Scogin hearing the shoo-maker enquire for him , said aloud , I am not at home . Then sayd the shoo-maker , what man thinke you that I know not your voice ? why , said Scogin , what an vnhonest man are you : when I came to your house , I beleeued your maid that said , you were not at home , and you will not beleeue me mine owne selfe . How the aforesaid shoo-maker gaue Scogin forty shillings to haue his house made greater . THe aforesaid shooe-maker married a rich widow , whereby his houshold was greatly encreased . And on a time Scogin came thither , and séeing that he had so many seruants , and much houshold scuffe heapt vp in euery corner of his house , said that he had need haue a greater house . Yea , said the shoe-maker , I would spend forty shillings that the house were butthrée yards broder : Scogin said , giue me the money , and you shal haue it made as broad as you will. Hold said the shoo-maker , here is the money . Then Scogin caused one of the shoo-makers horses to be tied to the house side , and got a chaire with whéeles in the feet , wherein he bad the shoo-maker sit , and sayd , when the house is as you would haue it , speake . Scogin bad one of the shoe-makers men that he should make the horse draw a little , and he himselfe stood behind the shoo-maker , and euer as the horse drew , Scogin would pull the chaire to him that the shoo-maker did sit in , and asked him if the house were broad enough yet . The shooe-maker for the noise that the horse made with drawing , and for Scogins talking , did not perceiue how Scogin did pull the chaire , but thought that the horse did pull the house broader . When Scogin had drawn the chaire a good way , the shoo-maker said , this side is broad enough , now let the other side bee drawne out as much . Then Scogin tied the horse to the other side of the house , and turned the chaire , and caused the shoo-maker to sit in it againe , and did as he had done before , & drew the chaire a good way back , saying is the house broad enough yet ? the shomaker said , yea ; I thanke you it is as broad as I would haue it . Then Scogin had the shoo-makers man set vp his horse , & he tooke his chaire and went his way . How the shomaker would haue made his house greater , and brake downe the one side of it . VVIthin two or thrée dayes after this , the shomaker thought to make his house greater , & caused the horse to be tyed to the house side againe & he himselfe sate downe in a chayre in the midst of the house , to sée when it was broad enough , and bad one of his men to make the horse draw . The horse pulled , but the house was neuer the broader . Then the shomaker caused another horse to be tyed to the house side . Then both the horses drew so much , that they pulled downe foure or fiue postes of the house , which caused the tiles to fall , so that the shooe-makers head was broken in two or thrée places . Then the shomaker was faine to bestow a great deale of money in mending his house , and at the Surgeons for healing his head . After this he met with Scogin , and told him what a great mischance hee had . Why said Scogin , when it was well you could not let it alone . How Scogin told the French King that hee could not doe two things at once . ON a time the French King and Scogin did ride together , and the King said to Scogin , why dost thou not speake ? Why sir , said Scogin , will you haue me doe two things at once ? will you haue me ride and speake too ? nay , sayd hee , that were too much : for it is hard to serue two Lords , and two Masters , and please doth the parties . How the French King had Scogin into his house of office , and shewed him the King of Englands picture . ON a time when the French King went to his stoole , hée did take Scogin with him : then said the French King to Scogin , looke behind thee who is pictured on the wall . Scogin looked , and said ; it is a faire picture . The King said thou maist see what I doe make of a picture of thy King. Scogin beheld the picture of the King of England , and said to the French King ; Jesu Christ , here is a wonderfull thing , what would you doe if you did see the King of England in the face as he is , when that for feare you doe beshite your selfe , when that you looke but vpon a picture of him ? Then the French King banished Scogin out of France , and he came into England againe . How Scogin put French earth into his shooes , and came into England . WHen Scogin was banished out of France hee filled his shooes full of French earth , and came into England and went into the Kings Court , and as soone as hee came to the Court , the King said to him , I did charge thee that thou shouldest neuer tread vpon my ground of England : It is true , said Scogin , and no more I doe . What Traytour , sayd the King , whose groūd is that thou standest on now . Scogin said , I stand vpon the French Kings ground , and that you shall see , and first he put off the one shooe , and it was full of earth , then said Scogin this earth I brought out of France : Then said the King , I charge thée neuer to looke me more in the face . How Scogin came to Cambridge , and how hee deceiued the poore folkes . AFter the King had commanded Scogin to looke him no more in the face , hee went to Cambridg●● ▪ and through one Master Euerid that was his friend , he got him a chamber in Iesus Colledge : so on a time about Mid-summerfaire hee lacked money , and at last hée got him a paire of crutches , and a patched Cloake , and took a coard , and bound vp one of his legs behind him , and went to Barnwell with his crutches , like as if he had lacked one leg , and came among the poore folkes like a stout beggar And after he had beene there a little while , hee would néedes kéepe all the money that was gotten , and at the end of the faire , he said , it should be parted equally among them all . At last with much adoe they were contented : so when the faire was almost ended , Scogin said to the poore folke , I must goe into that corne and ease me , and I will come againe by and by . Scogin went into a Rye land , and put off his cloake , and vntied the coard that he had bound his leg with , and ranne as fast as he could to Iesus Colledge . The poore folkes espied him , and followed after him as fast as they could : some that had not gone without crutches a long time before , had almost ouertaken him . Scogin was there before them , and had the key of his chamber , and had put on other apparell , by that time the poore folkes were come to the Colledge , and were searching in euery place for him . At last Scogin came out of his chamber to them , and said ; what doe you all here ? Marry , said they , there is a naughty man that hath deceiued vs of all that wée haue gotten this Faire time , and hee came running into this Colledge , and for him doe we seeke . What manner of man is he , said Scogin ? sir , said one of them , if your mastership would not bee angry , I would say you were as like him as euer any man might be . Well , said Scogin , you must get you away , for you let vs of our study . The poore folkes went their way , cursing him a hundred times that had so deceiued them . How Scogin rode to New-castle with Master Euerid , and what talke hee had with a fellow that kept Oxen. AFter that Scogin had béene at Cambridge a little while , his friend Master Euerid would goe to New-castle , ( to take possession of certaine houses ) and hee said to Scogin ; If you will goe with mée to New-castle , I will beare your cost and charges . Scogin was content , and went with him , and when they were within twelue miles of New-castle , Scogin did see a fellow that was kéeping of Oxen , that sat vnder a bush clouting of his shooes . Scogin said to the fellow , How far is it to New-castle ? I cannot tell said the fellow . Then said Scogin what is it a clocke ? The fellow said , hee could not tell . Then said Scogin , what Towne is this before vs ? I cannot tell , said the fellow . Then Scogin thought he had béene a foole , and said , didst thou not sée an empty cart come by this way , with two great milstones in it ? The fellow said , no. Then Scogin laughed , and was riding away . The fellow called him againe , and said ; Sir , I did not sée no such cart as you aske for , come this way , but here came a naked boy by , with a white loafe in his bosome , and a straw in his arse to picke your téeth . Scogin rode his way , and said nothing , whereat Master Euerid and his men laughed . What shift Scogin made for bootes , and how hee deceiued two shoo-makers . VVHen Scogin should ride home againe his bootes were nought , and hee could not tell what shift to make . At last hee deuised what he might doe : whereupon he sent his man for a shoo-maker to bring him a paire of Bootes . The shoo-maker brought the bootes , and when hee had pulled on the right foot boote , and was pulling on the other boot , Scogin said , it was maruellous strait , and that it did pinch his leg : wherefore hee prayed him to cary it home , and set it on the laste an houre or two : for ( quoth he ) I haue a thing to write that will hold mee two houres , and all that time I will sit and write , & kéepe this other boot on my leg still vntill that be ready . The shoo-maker tooke the boot and went home , as Scogin had bidden him . When the shoo-maker was gone , hée sent his man for another shoo-maker , and caused one to pull off the boot which the first shoo-maker had pulled on When the other shoo-maker was come , Scogin caused him to pull on the left boot , and when hee was pullin● on the right foot boot , Scogin found fault with it , as he did with the first shoo-maker and sent him away in like sort : when hée was gone , hée caused his man to make ready their horses , and hee pulled on the boot againe , which the first shoo-maker had left behinde him , and so he rode away with the two bootes of two shoo-makers : shortly after the shoo-makers came and enquired for Scogin , but hée and his man were gone , almost an houre before . How Scogin ouertooke a Priest and kept company with him , and how he and the Priest prayed for money . WHen Scogin and his man had ridden ten or twelue miles on their way , hée ouertooke a Priest that was riding to London , to pay his first fruits , with whom hee kept company vntill he came to Stamford , and all that way as they rode , Scogin made the Priest very good chéere , and would let him pay no money , so that Scogin had but two shillings left : and riding betwéene Stamford and Huntington , Scogin complayned him to the Parson in this sort : I maruell master Parson ( quoth he ) how men doe when they want money , to get it ? For when I want money , I know not how to get any , except I should steale . No , no , said the Priest , doe you not know that they that serue God well , doe not want , and how that God promiseth , that if you call vpon him in your afflictions , that hée will helpe you ? You say well master Parson , said Scogin , and rode before : and when hée saw a faire place , hee knéeled downe and lifted vp his hands , and prayed to God , till Master Parson and his man did ouertake him , but nothing hée could get : when they were come , hée told them he prayed , but could get nothing . But ( quoth he ) I will try once againe , and then if I can get nothing , both you Master Parson and my man shall helpe me to pray , for I doe not doubt but God will helpe something , when hee heareth allour prayers . And then Scogin did ride before againe , and when hee saw his place conuenient , hée alighted him from his horse and tied him to a trée , and knéeled downe , and prayed as hée had done before , vntil such time as they came to him . Then said the Parson , How doe you now Master Scogin ? By my troth , said he , I can get nothing , wherefore alight sirra , quoth hee , to his man , and tie your horse to yonder trée , and then hée went to the Parson and tooke his horse by the bridle , and told him hee must needes helpe him to pray . The Parson for feare durst not say him nay , but alighted , and tooke his capcas● from the saddle bow , wherein was fifty pounds . Then Scogin asked his man how much money hee had in his purse ? He sayd , twenty pence By my troth , said Scogin , and I haue but twoshillings , and how much haue you Master Parson ? said hee . The Parson thought that if hée had told him all , hée would surely haue borrowed a good part of it , and hée said , fiue pounds Well , let vs pray hartily , said Scogin , and the● they knéeled downe , and prayed for the spac● of halfe an houre : and Scogin said , let vs sée whether God haue heard our request , or no And then he looked in his own purse , where wa● but two shillings , & then hee looked in his man● purse , where was but twenty pence Then Scogin came to the Parson , and said : Now Master Parson let vs see what you haue , for I doe not doubt but God hath heard our prayers , and tooke the Priests capcase and opened it , wherein was a bag with fifty ●ounds in it , which the Parson should haue paid for his first fruits : Then Scogin spread his cloake abroad , and powred out the money , and when hée had told it , hee said ; By Lady Master Parson God hath heard our prayer : and then hee gaue him fiue pounds , and said , Master Parson , here is the fiue pound that thou had before wee began to pray , and the rest we will haue : for I see that you are so well acquainted with God , that with praying halfe an houre , you can get as much more : and this will doe vs great pleasure , and it is but a small matter for you to pray halfe an houre . The Parson desired Scogin to let him haue the rest of the money , for hee said that hée did ride to London to pay his first fruits . Well said Scogin , then you must pray againe , for wée will haue this , and so they rode away and left the Priest behind them : and the Priest was faine to ride home againe for more money . How Scogin came to the Court like a monstrous beast , and should haue been hanged . SCogin was weary of Cambridge , and could not tell how to doe , because the King had commanded him to looke him no more in the face . At last he got him a Beares foot , and an Oxe foot , and tyed them vnder his feet , then he tooke a horse foot in one of his hands , and his other hand serued for another foot , and Scogin lay about the Court , and on a certaine night there sell a snow . Scogin within halfe a mile of the Kings place , went with his aforesaid thrée feet , and his hand which serued for the fourth foot , and when hee had set a circuit , he went into an old house , where there was an ouen , and hee crept into it , and set out his arse . In the morning the trace of this monstrous beast was found , and well was he that might first come to the Court to tell the King what a monstrous beast this should bee , that the one foot was like a Beares foot , and the other like an Oxe foot , and the other foot like a horse foot , and the other like a mans hand . As soone as the King heard of this , hee called his hunters to goe with him to find out the trace of this monstrous beast . And that found , there was a great yelping of hounds , and blowing of hornes , and at last the hounds did come to a bay . The King and the Lords pricked forth their geldings , and rode to the old house , and looked into the ouen , and Scogin did set out his bare arse . What knaue is this , said the King ? I sir , said Scogin , whom your charged not to looke you in the face , wherefore I must needs turne mine arse to you . Well knaue , said the King , thou shalt bee hanged for this pranke doing . Scogin leapt out of the ouen , and pulled vp his bréech , and said ; I desi●e your Grace , if I shall be hanged , let me chuse the tree I shall be hanged on . I am content , sayd the King. Foure men were appointed to hang Scogin , Scogin had prouided a bottle of wine , and sucket , and marmalade , and gréene ginger and said to them that should hang him , Masters , the Kings Grace hath giuen mee licence ( as you know ) to choose what manner of Tree I shall hang on , and in the Forest of Windsor be goodly trees , and thither will I goe . Scogin went before them , and euer looked vpon many okes and trees , and euer was eating of his sucket , and marmalade , and gréene ginger , and dranke still on his bottle , saying , God knoweth the pangs of death are dry . When night was come , and the men being all day without meate and drinke , fainted , and said , Good Scogin , the night draweth on , and we haue eaten no meat to day , and where we shall lye to night we cannot tell : chuse one tree or other to bee hanged on . O Masters , said Scogin , make no haste for my hanging , for it would grieue the best of you all to bee hanged . Scogin wandred about here and there vntill it was a good while within night . Then said Scogin , here is a faire tree , let vs goe lye vnder it all night . The men said , wee are so faint that wee cannot tell what to doe . Well , said Scogin , you séeme to bee honest men , goe to your King , an● haue me commended to him , and tell him that I will neuer chuse a trée to bee hanged on : and s● fare you well . Hee is a mad man that may saue his owne life , and will kill himselfe . How Scogin asked the King and Queene forgiuenesse . SCogin seeing that hee had lost the fauour 〈◊〉 the King & Quéene , hee mused how he might be pardoned of the King and of the Queene . Hee heard say that the King would ride a progresse and at a conuenient place , Scogin said to his seruant , cast a couerlet ouer me , and say that I am dead , and say that at my departure , I desire thee to pray the King and Queen to forgiue me . When the King and Queene did come by , Scogin lying vnder the couerlet by the high way , h●● seruant said , Here doth lie Scogin dead , & whe● hée departed , hee prayed both your Graces to forgiue him . Now ( said the King and Queen ) Go● forgiue him , and wee doe : Scogin start vp , an● sayd , I doe thanke both your Graces , and hereafter I will no more displease you . For I see it 〈◊〉 more harder to keepe a friend , then to get one . How Scogin told the Queene what a great stud● he was in . AFter that Scogin had got his pardon 〈◊〉 the King & of the Quéen , as it is rehearse● he vsed honest iesting with the King and Quéen . And on a time before the Queene hee stood in a great study . Whereon dost thou muse Scogin , said the Queene ? Muse , said Scogin , I am musing on a matter that would trouble any mans braines liuing : for it maketh mee to sweat on the browes to bring it to passe . Tell me , said the Quéene the matter . I shall , said Scogin : Euery man telleth me , that our Parson is my ghostly father , and that the Church is my mother , then would I faine know , what kin I am to the stéeple ? The Queene said , thou must néeds be alianced to the steeple . I thanke your Grace , said Scogin , for you haue brought mee out of a great doubt . How diuers Gentlemen of the Court came to Scogins house to make merry . ON a time diuers Gentlemen of the Court said to Scogin , Gentle master Scogin , wee would laugh , and therefore we will come to your house to make merry , and wee will tarry all night , so that you will prouide for vs beds and horse meat : you shall not lacke , said Scogin . The Gentlemen came to Scogins house , thinking that Scogin had prouided all things necessary for them . When they were come to his house , there was no manner of prouision , neither for horse meat , mans meat , nor lodging . Scogin seeing his friends were come to his house , said , Masters , you be welcome , and that is the best chéere that I haue : and as for meat for you , I haue it not at this time , but onely an apple , and therefore I pray you not to be discontented , considering the old prouerbe in Latine is , Dat p●ra vel poma , qui non habet alia dona . The which is to say , he that hath no other gift , must giue an apple or peare : I say , sayd Scogin , I haue at this time no better cheare , therefore I pray you bee contented with your fare . Why said the Gentlemen , haue you meat for our horses ? Masters all , said Scogin , I haue a house , but I haue no land ; I haue neither hay , grasse , nor corne , nor pasture , vnlesse it bee in the Church-yard , and there I haue seuen foot that I doe challenge , therefore let your horses goe there . Then said the Gentlemen , how shall wee doe for our beds and lodgings ? Masters all , said Scogin , as for beds care not , for I haue enough for you all Then wee care not , said the Gentlemen : has● thou beside thy apple , any drinke ? yea , said Scogin , as good as any is in the well . Why then said the Gentlemen , bring vs to our beds : that I will , said Scogin , which did bring them to his garden , saying , Masters , choose euery man his lodging in these beds , for these bee the best bedsthat I haue . Then one Gentleman said , we● came hither to laugh , but I suppose wee shal weepe ere wee haue done . Here a man may s●● that the thing which men doe suppose ; God dot● dispose , and let no man thinke that there was neuer so great a flood , but there may bee as low an ebbe : And in this case is to be considered , that no man can aske more of a man then hee is able to doe . How Scogin fell sicke of a perillous cough . THe time was come that Scogins dayes drew to an end , who was infected with a perillous cough . His Physitians did counsell him neither to eat cheese nor nuts . And why so , said Scogin ? The Physitian said , for such things doe cause and prouoke coughing . Nay , said Scogin , that cannot be so , for a shéepe doth neither ●ate cheese nor nuts , and there is no beast liuing ●hat hath the cough so much : then said the Phy●itian , if they did or ●ould eat it such things ●ould augment and increase their infirmity . ●herefore it is good to refraine from contagi●us meats and drinkes , according to the infirmi●y of a mans disease . How Scogin was shriuen and hosted . SCogins sicknesse increased more and more , and he sent for the Priest to bee shriuen and ●osted . The Priest comming to him with the Sacrament of the Altar , said , Master Scogin ●ere I haue brought to you our blessed Lord God in forme of bread that dyed on the Crosse 〈◊〉 all sinners , doe you beleeue in him ? Yea , said Scogin , or else would I were burnt at a stake . Then said the Priest , ere you doe receiue him , you must be contrite of your offences , and bee shriuen , and recognise your selfe a sinner . That will I gladly , said Scogin : Hee being shriuen , and being penitent , receiued the Sacrament deuoutly , and that done , Scogin said , good Lord , I doe thanke thee for all thy benefits : but Masters , I tell you all that stand about mee , if I might liue to eat a Christmasse pye , I care not then if 〈◊〉 dye by and by after : for Christmasse pyes be good meat . Here is to bee noted that a man is loath to dye , although there be no remedy , and he that can reioyce him in God , and in mirth without sin , that man is happy . How Scogin desired that hee might bee buried at the East side of Westminster . SCogin waxing sicker and sicker , his friends aduertised him to make his Testament , and to shew where he would lye after hee was dead : Friends , said Scogin . when I came into this World , I brought nething with me , and when I shall depart out of this world , I shall take nothing away but a sheet : take you the shéet , and let mee haue the beginning againe naked . And if you cannot doe this for me , I pray you that I may be buried at the East side of We●●minster , vnder one of the spouts of the leads , for I haue euer loued good drinke all the dayes of my life : and there was he buried . Whereas now the 〈◊〉 ancient and sapient King Henry the seuenth 〈◊〉 build the most sumptuous Chappell in the 〈◊〉 whereas the said sapient King doth lye , as 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 séemeth an armipotent Prince and King to lys . What Scogin said when the holy Candle was pu● in his hand . VVHen the extreame pangs of death came vpon Scogin , the holy Candl ▪ was put in his hand to blesse himselfe . When Scogin had done so , in surrendring thankes to God , hee said , now the ●rouerbe is fulfilled , that he that worst may shall hold the Candle , for euer the weakest is thrust to the w●ll . FINIS . 
A35190	----	England's jests refin'd and improv'd being a choice collection of the merriest jests, smartest repartees, wittiest sayings, and most notable bulls yet extant, with many new ones never before printed to which are added XIII ingenious characters drawn to the life / the whole work compil'd with great care and exactness, and may serve as the witty-man's companion, the busie-man's diversion and the melancholy man's physick and recreation, calculated for the innocent spending of the winter evenings by H.C. Crouch, Humphrey, fl. 1635-1671. 1693 Approx. 199 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 103 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2003-11 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A35190 Wing C7277B ESTC R37703 17003355 ocm 17003355 105719 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A35190) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 105719) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 1613:12) England's jests refin'd and improv'd being a choice collection of the merriest jests, smartest repartees, wittiest sayings, and most notable bulls yet extant, with many new ones never before printed to which are added XIII ingenious characters drawn to the life / the whole work compil'd with great care and exactness, and may serve as the witty-man's companion, the busie-man's diversion and the melancholy man's physick and recreation, calculated for the innocent spending of the winter evenings by H.C. Crouch, Humphrey, fl. 1635-1671. The third edition [5], 186 p. Printed for John Harris ..., London : 1693. Contains added engraved t.p. Imperfect: stained and tightly bound with loss of print. Reproduction of original in the British Library. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. Gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. EEBO-TCP is a partnership between the Universities of Michigan and Oxford and the publisher ProQuest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by ProQuest via their Early English Books Online (EEBO) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). The general aim of EEBO-TCP is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic English-language title published between 1473 and 1700 available in EEBO. 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Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng English wit and humor. 2003-06 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2003-07 SPi Global Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2003-08 John Latta Sampled and proofread 2003-08 John Latta Text and markup reviewed and edited 2003-10 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion ENGLAND's JESTS Refin'd and Improv'd . Being a Choice COLLECTION OF THE Merriest Jests , Smartest Repartees , Wittiest Sayings , and most Notable Bulls , yet Extant . With many New Ones , never before Printed TO WHICH ARE ADDED , XIII . Ingenious CHARACTERS Drawn to the Life . The whole WORK compil'd with great Care and Exactness : And may serve as the Witty-Man's COMPANION , the Busie-Man's DIVERSION ; and the Melancholy Man's PHYSICK and RECREATION . The Third Edition , with the Addition of several Jests , not permitted to be Printed in the former Impressions . Calculated for the Innocent spending of the Winter Evenings , By H. C. Semel in Anno Ridet Apollo . Horat. . London , Printed for Iohn Harris at the Harrow in the Poultrey , 1693. ENGLAND'S JESTS REFIN'D AND IMPROV'D Spectatum admissi Risum teneatis Amici Horat. London Printted for John Harris at y e Harrow in y e Poultry LICENS'D , And Entred , According to Order . The Preface to the READER . READER , AS I know and own Plain-Dealing to be a Iewel , so I were much too blame if I did not use it with You : Therefore as a taste thereof , there were two Reasons that chiefly induced me to compile this small Piece , and which I proposed to my self as the end thereof , viz. Your Pleasure , and my own Profit . For let Men pretend what they will for their Scribling , as the Informa●ion , Instruction , or Obligation of their Friends and Countrey-men with Twenty other Reasons given for it ; I must beg their Pardons if I can't screw up my Faith to believe 'em : For 't is too plain that Interest sways the World , and that all sorts and degrees of Men , even from the Courtier to the Cobler , are its Votaries . You will not then admire if I proposed it to my self ; nor do I think that I stood in need of a Preface to convince you of it : But Custom calling for one , a Book being without it ( as our Modern Wits say ) Like a House without a Porch , or a Play without a Prologue , &c. Tho I must confess I am no great admirer of Prefaces , looking upon 'em , I mean the Generality of 'em , ( for there are some that are Concise , Pithy and Instructive ) to be for the most part Impertinent , Superfluous , and little to the purpose ; stuft with Flattery and Ostentation , and many times excessive long and tedious , like too much Ceremony before a good Feast ; which by its long detaining a Man , palls his Appetite : Notwithstanding which , I was willing to give you some short account of tjis Book ; which you will find to be a choice Collection of the merriest Iests , &c. ( as you may see in the Title Page , to which I refer you ) extracted from the several Authors that have written on those Subjects : Wherein their Gold is separated from their Dross , their Vnpolite ones are Refin'd , their long and tedious ones Retrench'd , their old ones render'd Modern , and those unworthy an ingenious Mans Reading , wholy left out ; The Composure thereof , having cost me no small Care and Pains , as you may judge ; that not only the reading over , but Critical Examination of the several Books written ( as aforesaid ) on those Subjects , must needs amount to . But perhaps some carping Zoilus , or severe Cato , will either blame the Composure of those Iests , or utterly deny the usefulness of any . As to the first , I leave it to your Candor to judge of it , knowing that if you come to delight your Self with Ingenious Fancies , and not to Carp , you may find some in this Collection that may answer your Expectation : But if there still remain any that ought to be Expung'd , pass 'em by ; and let the Merits of the Majority a●tone for their Defects . To the latter Objection against all manner of Iests , I think Example and Authority will be a suffi●ient Apollogy , especially since they do not interfere with Religion , or good Manners . But I leave the whole to your Perusal ; Hoping that as I have done what lay in my Power , to contribute to your Pleasure and Delight , so you will do your part , and show your kind acceptance thereof in buying it , especially when you may have it at so Reasonable a Rate as One Shilling . Farewel , H. C. ENGLAND's JESTS Refin'd and Improv'd . 1. APelles the Famous Painter , having drawn the Picture of Al●x●nder the Great on Horseback , and presented it to him , he gave it not that Praise that so exquisite a Piece deserved ; whereupon Apelles desired a Living Horse might be brought , who seeing the Picture , fell ●o ●awing and Neighing , taking it to be a real Rival : Upon wh●ch Apelles ingeniously told that Great Emper●u● , That his Horse understood Painting better than He. 2. An Ignorant Countrey-man coming to Town , went to Covent-Garden , to a Gentleman to whom he was directed ; who out of civility to the Countrey man , shew'd him what was remarkable thereabouts , as the Piazza's , and several Persons of Quaities stately Houses : At length he came to the Church , and the Countrey-man pointing to it , asked the Gentleman whose House that was ? He told him it was the Lord of Hosts : The Countrey-man having never heard of such a Lord before , reply'd , It was some Scotch Lord , he 'd warrant him . 3. A Gentleman of Grays-Inn last Winter desir'd another of the same Inn to lend him Bakers Chronicle for an hour or two : He sent him word ▪ That he could not spare it out of his Chamber , but if he pleased to come thither , he might use it all day there . Not long after , the other Gentleman desir'd him to lend him his Bellows : he sent him word , He could not spare them out of his Chamber , but if he pleased to come thither he might use them all day long there . 4. A Mayor of a certain Corporation dining with the Aldermen his Brethren ; after Dinner , to shew his Loyalty , began his Majesties health on one Knee , and presented it to one of the Aldermen , whom he imagin'd to be no great Admirer of Health-Drinking ; The Alderman took the Glass , and pledg'd him on both Knees : which the rest of his Brethren observing , the Loyal Mayor was not a little concern'd to be out-done ( as he thought ) by the Alderman , and asked him why he did it not as he had begun it , on one Knee ? Why truly ( says the Alderman ) one Knee was in Honour of the King , and the other to ask God Forgiveness for so doing : What ( says the Mayor ) for doing the King Honour ? No ( says he ) not for that , but because I pledg'd a Health on that which I ought to pray on . 5. A Spaniard and a Frenchman meeting in Covent-Garden , after the usual Complements passed between them , fell to disputing about Religion ; Why ( quoth the Spaniard ) will you contend with us about Religion ? There are more Saints in Spain then I have Hairs on my Beard : And there are more in France ( said the Frenchman ) then I have Hairs on my Head and Beard too . Then said the Spaniard , let the contest be thus decided , I will pull a Hair off your Beard , for every Saint I name ; an●●ou shall pluck one off mine , for every Saint you name : So the Frenchman began , and pull'd one off the Spaniards Beard , crying St. Dennis ; then the Spaniard doing the like , said St. Ignace : The Frenchman pulling another , cry●d St. Martin ; the Spaniard , St. Xavier ; The Frenchman , St. Lovis ; the Spaniard , St. Terese ; the Frenchman , St. Clotilde ; the Spaniard , St. Isidore ; the Frenchman , St. Bun ; the Spaniard pulling two at once , cry'd , St. Cosme and St. Phillip ; the Frenchman resolving to be reveng'd , pluck'd off a whole Mustache , saying , The Eleven Thousand Virgins : Upon this , the Contest ended ; the Spaniard not being able to endure or parallel so great a number . 6. A Countrey-fellow Thatching a House , had an arch Boy to serve him with Straw ; now there comes by a great Hog , and turns up his Head , as is he were listening : says the Thatcher ●hen to the Boy , What does that Hog think now ? O ( says the Witty Rogue ) I 'll warrant you he 's hatching of Mischief . And while he was busie at his Work on the Ladder , the Boy hunted the Hog just towards it , and justling against it , down came the Ladder , and Man and all : Pox on you , says this Blockhead to the Hog , 't is true as the honest Boy said , you were hatching of Mischief indeed ; for I think my Shoulders out : And if ever I thatch for any Body hereafter , I 'll make my Bargain with them , that they shall all tye up their Hogs . 7. Two young Scholars travelling from Roan to Paris , mit a Countrey-fellow riding upon an Ass , which brayed in such a manner , as if he had been over-joy'd to be in such learned Company : These Students thinking to put a trick on the Fellow , said , Friend , why do you let your Brother cry so ? Can't you find out some way to still and quiet him ? The Fellow , who was none of the dullest of the Parish that he dwelt in , answered , My Ass , Sirs , is so extreamly pleased to meet with his Relations and Old Acquaintance , that he cou'd do no less than sing a Song of mirth and merry glee , in testimony of your hearty Welcom to him . 8. One told a Gentleman , That he wou'd willingly marry , but he wou'd have a Wife that is perfectly good : To whom the Gentleman replyed , That if none but such a one wou'd serve his turn , he must bespeak her , for there was no s●ch ready made . 9. Two young Students were in a deep dispute about the Man in the Moon , whether he was a Gentleman or a Citi●en : and after a great many Pro's and Con's between them , one of them very wittily solv'd it thus : When the Moon was at Full , then there was a Gentleman in her ; but when she appear'd with two Horns , then he might swear there was a Citizen in her . 10. Three Souldiers talking together , were over-heard by a Courtier to say thus : One said , Had he a Thousand Pounds ; he should be happier than the King , the other said , Were he a Captain under the King , he should be happier than he : the third said , That had he one Nights Lodging with the Queen , he should be the happiest Man in the World. The Courtier related this to the King , and his Majesty , for Divertisement , se●t for the three Souldiers the next day before him , and commanded them to tell him what they said the night before at such a time . The first , fearing the Kings Displeasure , said , That he had indeed rashly said , That if he had a thousand Pounds , he should be as happy as the King : so the King commanded a thousand Pounds should be given him . The Second begg'd his Majesties Pardon for his bold saying , That had he a Captains Command under him , he should be as happy as he : then the King confer'd that honourable Office upon him . Then the third fell upon his Knees , imploring his Majesties Pardon for that he had said , That if he lay one Night with the Queen , he should be the happiest man in the World. Well , said the King , that is not in my power to grant ; but if you can get her consent , you shall have mine : So he brought him before his Queen , and told his Petition ; but the Queen , to shew that our desires ought to be placed on suitable Objects , caused him to be soundly whipt . 11. A Witty Young Fellow was tryed for his Life , since his Majesties Restauration , and being cast , they told him he must be hanged : But he pleaded in his own defence a long time ? at last desired the Judge , That if he must be hanged , he might be hang'd after the new way that Oliver was , three or four years after h● 〈◊〉 dead . 12. One that was advised to marry a Widow , replied , That they were too Politick a Generation for him ; which he prov'd by Similies : Many Voyages , said he , make an expert Seaman ; many Offices , a Crafty Knave ; and many Marriages , a Cunning False Widow . 13 , A Justice of Peace overtaking a Parson upon the Road , between London and ●ow , told his Company that he would put a Trick upon him : and so coming up to him , said , Sir , You don't follow your Masters Rule , for he was content with an Ass , but you have a very fine Horse : The Parson replyed , the reason was , because the King had made so many Asses Iustices , that a Clergy-man could not get one to Ride on . 14. A young Gentleman of the Temple , left a Note in the Key hole of his Chamber-door , thus , I am gone to the Devil ; but if you cannot Read , carry it to the Stationers at the Gate , and he will do it for you . 15. A Rich Man , in the Countrey , who was never thought to be one of Solomon's Off-Spring , went with his Wife to see a Child of his at Nurse : when he came , he very wisely asked the Nurse whether she was a Maid or Married ? she replied , she was Married : says he , I 'll have no Married Woman , I 'll have a Maid to be my Childs Wet-Nurse ; Truly Sir , says she , then you had best bespeak one at London , for we have no such ready made here in the Countrey . 16. A Valiant Fellow who had been in the West , was met by a Gentleman here , who asked him what Exploit he had done there ? he answered , That he had cut off one of the Rebels Arms : the Gentleman replyed , That it had been something if he had cut off his Head , O said he , you must consider his Head was off before . 17. When Metellus Nepos asked the famous Roman Orator , in a jearing way , who was his Father ? he replyed , Your Mother has made that Question harder for you to Answer , 18. A Rich Blade , that was a very great Eater , came to a Gentleman's House to Court his Daughter : the Gentleman out of Civility , desir'd him to stay and Dine with him , which he did , and Eat very heartily : After Dinner , he began to speak to the Lady about the matter , and having utter'd several Expressions of his Passion ; he protested that he loved her as his own Soul ; to whom she wittily replied , But not so well as your Body , Sir. 19. A Gentleman coming into London out of the Countrey , as he came by Stepny Church his Horse threw him , which a young Gentlewoman seeing , fell a Laughing : the Gentleman being angry that she jeered him , said : Pray admire not at this , Madam , my Horse always stumbles when he sees a Whore. To which she answered merrily , Have a care then , Sir ; for if you ride into the City , you 'll break your Neck . 20. A sharping Scholar of King's Colledg in Oxford , being in the Kitchin , and seeing the Cook take up a Plumb-pudding out of the Pot , watching his opportunity , while the Cook 's back was turn'd ; he whipt up the Pudding into his own Chamber : which the Cook presently missing , runs up into the Scholars Chamber , and searched all about for it , but could not find it ; the Scholar swore it was not in his Chamber ( though the Cook smelt it ) for he had ingeniously hung it out of his Window , which when the Cook was gone , he pull●d in , and eat as ingeniously . 21. One desiring a pretty Maid to go to a Gentleman and Kiss him , Nay Sir ( says she very wittily ) I 'll nev're go to Market for that Ware which I can have brought home to my Door . 22. At the Battel of Newport , the Prince of Orange having the Spanish Army before him , and the Sea behind him , said to his Souldiers , Gentlemen , if you have a mind to live , you must do one of these two things ; either eat those Spaniards , or drink up this Sea. 23. A London Serivener dying in Cambridg , a merry Fellow writ thus over him : Know all Men by these presents , That I that have bound so many , am now bound fast my self , by a Gentleman of an Ancient Family , whose Name 's Mr. Death , who brought me my last Sheet , and to my last full Point . And though I was never Guilty of any great Wickedness , yet I often made many a Blot , which my Daughter Pen was the occasion of : I gave no bad Example to any , but good Copies to all : I was not unlearn'd neither , because I always dealt in good Letters , and was a Justice of Peace in my own Dominions ; and though I could not hang ( except an Arse sometimes , when my own money was to be Paid ) yet I cou'd draw : I made all Bond-men but my Apprentices , for those I made Free : And after I had finish'd all my Letters , this Mr. Death threw some dust upon 'em , and as I was making Bonds , assaulted me with Bills , and at last Seal●d the Letters of my Eyes quite up , and then sent me away to my long-home . 24. A Welsh-man that was condemn'd to be Hang'd , just before he was to be turn'd off , the Hang-man ask'd him if he had any thing to say ; he answer'd he had a desire to speak with some of his Countrey-Men , before he died ( if there were any there ) so the Hangman call'd to know if there were any there he should hold up his Hand . It so happened that there was one there , so the Hang-man told him that the poor Man wou'd speak with him ; so he drew near , and the Welsh-man ask'd him if he knew such and such in Wales , he replied he did ; Then , says the Welsh-man , You know my Father and Mother , who I am certain will be very sorry to hear of my Misfortune ; but pray , to comfort them , tell them that I dye a ●ery good Christian , and am informed that I shall go to Heaven , and I hope they will follow me thither the same way . 25. When Charles the Bald was Emperour and King of France , one Iohannes Eringen , a Scotch-man , for his great Learning had the honour to sit at Table with the Emperour ; but being very ungentiel in his behaviour , the Emperour asked him , Quid interest inter Scotum & Sotum ? Which in English is , What 's the difference between a Scot , and a Sot ? To which he readily , ( but rudely ) answered , Mensa , that is , The Table : thereby calling the King Sot , by craft . 26. Another time this Iohannes , who was but of little Stature , din'd at the King's Table , with two other Scholars who were tall men . The Emperor set him a Dish with two great Fishes , and one small one , bidding him divide them between himself and the two Schollars ; whereupon Iohannes took the two large Fishes , and laid them on his own Plate , and gave the small one to the two Scholars . The Emperor smiling , said , In saith , Mr. Johannes you are no equal Divider : That 's your Highnesses mistake ( said he ) and pointing to himself and the two great ●●shes , said , Here are two great , and one ●●ttle ; and on the other side , is one little , ●nd two great . 27. One going in the dark , held both ●is Arms out to save his face , and co●ing accidentally against the Door , ●hich it seems stood slanting out , he ●it his Nose a good blow against it , ●ey ho , says he , I never thought my Nose ●as longer than my Arms till now ; but if ●ver I go in the Dark again , I 'll have a ●andle in my hand . 28. A noted Countrey Gentleman bla●ing a Comical Poet for bringing a ●eud debauched Ruffian on the Stage , ●nd so gave bad Example to young ●en , Truly , Sir , said he , I brought such man on , but I hang'd him before he went ●ff , and so gave them a good example . 29. An Englishman and his Wife lodg●ng at a French-mans House in Paris , ●he Englishman's Wife cried out in the ●ight ; so he ran up stairs to acquaint ●he Midwife who lay there , of his ●ives Condition , and went down to ●●form his Landlord and Landlady of it ; so he stood by their bed-side shivering in his shirt , for it was in a cold winter night ; but could not speak F●ench and so had much a do to make them understand him ; at last he did : his Landlady pitying him , said to her Husband , Prethee , my Dear , let him come into Bed to us , and lye till day light , seeing it is so cold , and that he cannot in Civility go into his own Chamber ; you need not fear any thing since you are in Bed with me : so he consented to it , and the English-man came and lay down on the other side of the Woman ; the French-man being tir'd soon fell fast asleep , the English-man presently grew warm , and began to Caress the French-woman ; the motion of the Bed , which was caus'd by their amorous Engagement , wak●d her Husband , he call'd out , Wife , Wife , What are you doing ? Why , what would you have me do , said she , if I should speak to him , you know he can't understand a word of our Language . 30. A Countrey Gentleman being at Dinner in London , with several Gentlemen of his acquaintance , one of them whose Name was Chambers , thinking to put a Joque upon him , asked him why he wou●d not live in London in the Winter , where he might find all sorts of Company to fit his Humour , I would Sir , says he , if I could find a House fit for my turn . Says Chambers , I can help you to one that has three Rooms of a Floor , but 't is built of Wood. Where is it , says the Gentleman ? Says he , at Tyburn ; 'T is true indeed , says the Gentleman , 't is a convenient House , and stands in a good Air ; for it will quickly Cure a Man of all Diseases , and for a House that is but one Storyhigh , 't is a very good one , and wants nothing in it but Chambers . 31. An extravagant young Heir , having sold all his Lands to maintain his Debauchery , fell Sick and sent for a Physician ; who perceiving that his Distemper arose from ill Humours , contracted by his Intemperunce , order'd him to be let Blood , and coming to see it , he told him it was very green . Alas Sir , says he , how can it be otherwise , when I have Eaten up all my Meadows and Corn-fields . 32. A Doctor of Divinity that had a good Estate , and no Child , resolv'd to make himself memorable to posterity , by some publick Charity ; and so order'd a Cau●-way to be made to a Market-Town , for the secu●ity of Travellers in the Fenny Countrey . As the Labourers were at Work , the Doctor being there to oversee them , a Noble-Man came by , who had no great esteem for Men of his Coat , and said jearingly , Doctor , for all the Cost you have been at , I don't think this is the way to Heaven . I am of your Mind ( quoth the Doctor ) for then I could not have expected to meet your Lordship here . 33. A Quaker being in Bed with his Wife , in the middle of the Night she pulled him , saying thus , Awake , Ebenezer , awake : What sayest thou the Wife of my Bosom , says he ? Arise quickly , says she , and go into the next Room , and nigh unto the place that pays Tribute to Caesar , there standeth a Wicker-Chair , thereon hangeth my Red Petticoat ; take from thence two Fart●ings , and go to our Friend Theophilus , the Tallow-Chandler , and buy therewith two Candles ; light one of them , and spring in hastily , for I fear our youngest Son Aminadab has Beshit himself . 24. A Nun reading at the bottom of a Book , it is good to know all things , was resolv'd to try a Man ; but turning over she found , but not to use them , at which she was not a little troubled to be so soon depriv'd of her so delectable expected enjoyment . 25. A Constable carrying a big belly'd wench before a Justice , said to him ; An 't please your Worship I have brought you a Maid-with Child : whereupon the wench called him Fool and Knave ; being reprov'd by the Justice , she answer'd thus : Sir , this Constable must be one of them ; for if I am a M●id , he is a Fool to think I can be with Child : and if I am not with Child , he is a Knave f●r saying so . 36. Two Gentlemen quarrelling , the one gave the other a Challenge to meet him at six a Clock the next morning at such a pla●● upon his Honour : Hang Honour , says the other , for we both are but Worshipful ; and you know ' ●is not my custom , and I know 't is not yours neither , to rise before Eleven or Twelve a Clock ; therefore pray let us consider whether we should break our Rest to break our Limbs . The other told him , If he did not meet him , he 'd Post him : Well , said he to him , if you do , I 'll ride Post out of Town , and stay there till your furie 's over . 37. An Oxford Scholar going along Fleetstreet , was met by a huffing Fop , who thrusting between the wall and him , jostl'd him almost to the Kennel , saying ( with a no Sir Courtly-Face ) I don't use to give the Wall to every Sawcey Loggerhead : To whom the Scholar , with Cap in hand , replied smartly , But I do . 38. A Proper Tall Gentleman that had married a very little Woman to his Wife , being ask'd the reason of it , he repli'd , That of all Evils , it was always the best to chuse the least . 39. A Serjeant kneeling before the King , to have a Bill si●●'d , being troubled with the Wind Chollick ; gave vent to his Posteriors in three or four loud Vollys : the King hearing , smileingly says : I never understood till now that a Serjeant had authority to let go a Prisoner , it being against the Law. An 't please your Majesty , says the Serjeant , he was a turbulent Rogue , and crept through the Key-hole , and necessity has no Law. 40. A Countrey man coming up to London , a little after the rebuilding of it , to see a Friend who made great Complaint of his own particular loss , as well as of the loss of so stately a City : As for your own loss , says the Countrey man , I am very sorry for it , but as for the loss of your City , I can't tell what to say ; for who would be troubled to have a good new suit for an old one ? 41. Cardinal Woolsey being to pa●s through St. Pauls Church , his Gentleman went before , to make a way for him , and coming to a poor Priest kneeling at Prayers in the way , he said to him , Room for my Lord Cardinal's Grace : No says he , the Pope is not dead yet , what should he do there ? remove out of your place , says he , to make way , why saies he ? do you think My Lord will take my place . An Arch Wag speaking of the late dreadful Fire of London , said , Cannon-street roared , Wood-street was burnt to Ashes , Bread-street was burnt to a Coal , Pie-Corner was over-bak'd , and Snow-hill was melted down . 43. A Man Thatching a House in the Country , and the Thatch being loose under him , his Feet slipt , and still as he found himself falling , catching hold of the Thatch which fail'd him , he cry'd Lord bless me , Lord help me , &c. but coming to the Ridge of the House , and seeing what a great way it was to the ground ; Z — ds , says he , what a confounded fall am I like to have . 44. An old Gentleman was chid by a neighbour for marrying a young Girle ; to whom he replied , She 'll be a Woman to morrow ; for , says he , Wives are young mens Mistresses , Middled-ag'd mens Companions , and old mens Nurses ; and will you blame a man to have a Nurse in his old Age ? No , says he , I don't blame you for having a Nurse , but for your not Providing for Heaven ; but that your Wife must do , for says he , Don't you know whether all Cuckolds go ? O , says the old Gentleman , Now you put me in mind on 't , 't is true ; for I have heard your Wife say some years ago , That she was sure her husband would go to Heaven ; and now I find which way ; and mum for that , my dear neighbour too . 45. A certain Woman brought a man before the Duke of Millan , and accused him for killing her Son , complaining of her great loss by it , saying that nothing in the World was so dear to her ; The poor man excused himself as well as he could , telling his Excellency that he did not design to hurt her Son ; but that the head of his Hatchet flew off , as he was cleaving some Wood , and bit him accidentally on the head , and prov'd his Death : Well says the Duke to the Woman , I am willing that thou shouldst have all the reasonable satisfaction in the World , therefore , for repairing thy loss : he shall lie with Thee and get thee such another Son : which stopt the womans mouth , that s●e went away without speaking a word more , and never troubled the man after ▪ wards . 46. A Highway-man being to be hang'd in a Country Town , Order was sent to the Carpenter to make a Gallows ; which he neglecting to do , the Execution was forc'd to be defer'd , for which the Judge was not a little angry , who sending for the Carpenter , asked him why he had not done it ? Why Sir , said he , I have done two or three already , but was never paid for them ; but had I known it had been for your Worship , I would have left all other business to have done it . 47. A Scotchman going along the street , jostles a Gentleman , The Gentleman said to him , Goddamn you . The Scotchman reply'd , God bless you Sir , may neither of them light . 48. One ask'd a Gentleman if he 'd venture any thing at the Lottery this Fair , and what he won , his Wife shou'd have for her fairing ? No , says the Gentlemen , for there 's not one in forty has any luck but Cuckolds ; which his sweet Wife hearing , said , Dear Husband , p●ay venture , for I 'm sure you 'l have good luck . 49. A Cambridge Schollar crossing King Iames's Steed , when he was riding a Hunting : The King was in a great Passion at it , and rid after him with his drawn Sword , and being going to cut him over the Pate : the Schollar said to him , Pray Sir , don't Knight me till my Elder Brothers Dead : for I am but a younger Brother : at which witty saying , the King was pacified and pleased , and gave him a Guinney for his ingenuity . 50. A silly Fellow hearing a Ladys servants call her Madam , at every word , he thought to be more mannerly than they , and therefore made an Addition of Mistress , to it , saying , Mistress Madam , an 't please your Ladiship . 51. The late engenious Bishop Wilkins having in his juvinal days written a Book , inti●uled the World in the Moon , wherein he allotted Land to several Princes in the World , and particularly a considerable quantity to our late King. After Dinner one day the K. having a mind to be merry , said to the Bishop , I have seen a Book of yours wherein you allot me a great deal of Land in the World in the Moon ; now it being so far off , and troublesome to look after , I will sell it you if you please ; to whom the Bishop repli●d , I thank your Majesty , but I don't care to meddle with Crown Lands . 52. At another time the Countess of Newcastle being a whimsical Lady , ask'd this Bishop Wilkins , how she should get up into the World in the Moon which he had discovered : For say● she , it must certainly be a very great Iourny thither , and unless one can rest by the way , it is impossible to get thither : Oh Madam says the Bishop , your Ladyship has built so many Castles in the Air , that you may rest in one of them . 53. One that had a confounded Scold to his Wife , being continually tromented with the perpetual Clack of her Tongue , wish'd one day , That she was in Heaven ; she knowing thereby that he had a mind to be rid of her , in a great rage told him , she had rather see him hang'd first . 54. A Lords Son in the North , that was much addicted to the Pleasures of Venus , haunted all the pretty Girls thereabouts , but especially one above the rest , that was a very handsome Maid , and a Farmers Daughter who was his Fathers Tenent ; which gave him the more liberty of Courting her ; and having inpertuned her very much , yet she would not grant : At last he promis'd her Marriage , and thereby had the pleasure of Enjoyment : But his Father and Mother fearing that he would make up a Match with the Farmers Daughter , by going so often thither , sent to another Lord that lived five Miles off , to Treat with him for his Daughter , who was a pretty Woman also , for his Son. So they soon agreed , and the Marriage day was appointed , and the Young Blade was Riding with his Man to the Bride-House ; but the Farmer and his Daughter had way laid him . The Farmer ask'd him , What satisfaction he shou'd have for the wrong he had done his Daughter ? Well , says he , There 's forty Guinneys for you , and I 'll give you a Bond , to make it up a hundred Pounds , to be paid in three Months , if you 'll be contended . So the Bond was making under the Hedg , and the People at the Bride-House admiring at his stay , sent one to see ; who when he came , found him Indenting with the Farmer and his Daughter under the Hedg . So when he had do●e● 〈◊〉 Rid away to the Bride-House as fast as he could Gallop , and soon afte● was Ma●●●● to the Lady ; and wh●n they were a bed together , he began to Kiss her : Pray , says she , resolve me one Question first : What made you under the Hegd with the Farmer & his Daughter so long ? Why ● says he , that does not concern you at all Well , says she , I will know , or else you and I shall be at a distance . Why then , says he , if you won't be angry , I 'll tell you . Well , I will not , says she , let it be what it will. Why then , says he , I got the Farmers Daughter with Child , and she was such a Fool to tell her Father of it . So she was by my Troth , says she , for my Fathers Man got me with Child above a Twelvemonth ago , and you are the first that ever I told of it . 55. The Bishop of Mentz , had a merry Fellow to his Tenant , who was deep in Arreers for Rent , to whom the Bishop sent his Steward , who told him that unless he took more care to pay his Rent , the Bishop would take a Course with him ; to whom the Fellow replied , he did not value the Bishop , for he knew how to keep out of his Clutches : Why , says the Stward , you must go out of the Bishopwrick then , no replied the Fellow , I wont ; for I have forty lurking places about the Diocess where he will never find me : where can they be , I beseech you , says the Steward , why there 's one in every Church , says he ; Then he 'l quickly find you out , says the other , for he 's there once a Week at least . O but , says the Fellew , I 'll hide my self in one of the Pulpits , where I 'm sure he won't come in hast . 56. An Ignorant Fellow , having got in to be a Reader in a Countrey-Church ; the first Chapter of Matthew being appointed to be Read , which contains the Genealogy , and is full of hard Names : He began with Abraham begat Isaac , and so read on three or four more , till he was quite nonplus'd ▪ but casting his Eyes forward , And so , says he , they begat one another to the end of the Chapter . 57. A Knight in North●mpton S●ire , that had three Sons , and no great Estate , told his young●st Son that he must needs bind him an Apprentice , and bid him chuse his Trade . The Boy bei●g of a smart and ingenious temper , told his Father he 'd be a Tanner . Push , says he , that 's a nasty Trady : That 's true , says he ; but yet 't is the most convenient Trade for me of any ; because you have but a littl● to give me , and three Hides will set me up . What Hides are those , says his Father ? Why Sir , Reply'd the Boy , Yours and my two Brothers . 58. An Impudent Fellow having several Indictments brought against him , the Judge seeing the Notoriousness of his Crimes , said , Sirrah , if you ben't Hang'd , I 'll be Hang'd for you : To whom the Rogue reply'd , I thank your Honour , for your kind Offer ; pray be not out of the way when that time comes . 59. A Gentleman of Lincolns-Inn , hearing of the Death of his Father , in the Countrey was not a little concern'd , as not knowing how he had left his Estate . An I●timate F●iend of his seeing him , said , Chear up , Jack ; if your Father has left you a good E●tate , you have no great cause to grieve ; and if he has given you nothing , who 'd grieve for such a Father ? 60. A Ranting Bully Drinking a Health to a Sober Man , he refus●d to Pledge ●im ; upon which ●e wish'd this Curse might light upon him . That in a dark and cold Rainy Night , he were set upon a tir'd Iade , bare Ridg'd , in a dirty Lane , with a Pocky Whore behind him , and his own Bones rotten , and seven Miles from any House , not knowing one step of the way , and with never a Penny in his Purse , both Hungry and Thirsty . Hold Sir , says the Man , there 's enough already : I thank you for your good wishes ; but hope in a little time you 'll enjoy 'em all your self . 61. An Arch Fellow in Oxford , took a great many Rams horns in his Basket , and went about the City with them , crying , Fair Cherries in Winter ; this made many People call to him , and amongst the rest a Lawyer , who seeing his Ware , laught at him , saying , You Fool , who do you think will buy your Horns of you ? O Sir , replie● he , Though you are provided , yet I may meet with some that are not . 62. A Gentleman told his Cook that he would dine on a Venison Pasty , and so order'd him to provide one ; which he did , with two or three other dishes preliminary to it . So when the dinner was ready , he brought it up in order ; the first dish was a good Surloin of Beef , which he set upon the Table before the Gentleman , which as soon as the Cooks back was turn'd , he took and threw out of the Window ; then the Cook brought up the second Course , which was a Legg of Mutton and Colly-flowers , which he sent out of the Window after the other ; then the Cook brought up the Venison Pasty , and threw it out of the Window , after the other two dishes ; which his Master storming at him for , ask'd him the reason of it , says he , I thought your Worship intended to dine below , becaus● you sent the dishes down . 63. Two Persons who had no great kindness for one another , were invited to dinner together with a Knight , who had a mind to be merry . Now they were both pretty witty ; but one was slovenly , and the other spruce and neat : the spruce man was the●e first , and when the o●her came , he ran to the door to salute him and conduct him in , and thinking to make a Jest on his uncourtly habit , started back , saying , I thought to have met a worthy Doctor ; but I doubt in his stead I accost a Butcher . The Doctor ( who very well understood Repartees ) answered , Sir , I can't blame you for being surprized , because 't is natural for horned Beasts to dread the Butcher : which to one married under Capricorn , was a very close Repartee . 64. One held a Paradox , that Wise Men were the greatest Lyers ; for says he , the Proverb says , Children and Fools speak Truth . 65. A certain Person speaking unseemly Words before a Gentlewoman , she ask'd him what Profession he was of ? Madam , says he , I am a Civil Lawyer . Alas , Sir , replied she then , If Civil Lawyers are such rude People , I wonder what other Lawyers are . 66. Socrates being asked Why he suffere● so much brawling from his Wife : says he , Why do you suffer so much kackling of your Hens ? Because they lay Eggs , says he . And I from my Wife , replied Socrates , because she bears Children . 67. At a Market Town in Somersets●ire , there lived a Quaker that was a Barber , to whom the Parson of the Parish came , dem●nding fif●een Shilli●gs of him for Tythe ; The Quaker told him he owed him none , nor none would he pay him : He told him it was his due , and if he would not give it him by fair means , he'● make him do it by foul . The Quaker asked him for what it was due ? he told him for Preaching and Reading Divine Service , and oother Ministerial Duties in the Church : Why , says the Quaker , I never came there : You might if you would , says the Parson , the Door stands open . Soon after the Quaker hearing that he was s●ing him for the money , enters an Action also against the Parson for fifteen Shillings ; the Parson hearing of it , went and asked him how he came to owe him fifteen Shillings ? he told him for Trimmin● . Why , says the Parson , I was never Trimmed by you in my life : You might if you would , sayd the Quaker ' ▪ my Door stands open . 68. A Doctor of Physick in Oxford that used to salute every one he met , with these Words , I am very glad to see you well ; A Student , a Gentleman of good quality , whom he so greeted , told him ingeniously , He believed he lyed , for the World went ill with him when People were well . 69. O●e perswaded a Man to hang his Dog that had done some mischief , I am loath to hang him , says he , but I 'll go amongst his Neighbours and give him an ill-name , and that is as bad . 70. A French Captain having been a long time closely Besieged in a place where for four months he eat nothing but Horse-flesh ; at length being relieved , he repaired to his former Mistress , thinking to enjoy the same da●liances and caresses that he was formerly blessed with ; But she having been informed how he had fa●ed since his departure ; Hold , says she , Monsieur ; for though I have a mind to be gotten with Child , yet I am resolved never to be gotten with Colt. 71. A covetous Tradesman had a mind to be married , but was afraid of the charge of having Children too fast ; at last he resolved to be married , and agreed with his Wife that they would lie together but once a Fortnight ; and , says he , I intend to get every Fortnight a Joy●t of the Child from Head to Foot ; so by that device we shall not have too many Children : But I do it , my Dear , to ease thee in the bearing of them , which you know , would be no small trouble to you . After Marriage , it seems he lay with her the first Night , and I can't tell how it came about , but at forty Weeks end she was brought to bed of a brave Boy . Why how now Wife ? says he , this is not according to my Expectation : Yes Husband , says she , but I may thank good Neighbours , or else for ought I know we might have had a deformed Child . 72. The King of Spain coming into one of his chief Cities , the Mayor came to make a Speech , and began thus : When the King of Peace rode to Jerusalem ; but being dashed out of Countenance , he said again , When the King of Peace rode to Jerusalem ; and so the third time , but could not proceed : Then the King turning to his Cou●tiers , said , We may easily ima●gine this Man to be an Ass by the Consequent . 73. Mr. Philemo● Holland having Translated several Books , as Plutarch , Pliny , Livy , Cambden , &c. at length he Translated S●etonius Tranquillus into English ; upon which , an ingenious Blade writ this Distich on him : Phliemon with Translations doth so fill us . He will not let Suetonius be Tranquillus . 74. A Gentleman going into a Church in London ▪ when they were chaunting Sternhold's and Hopkin's Psalms , which are not the most Mellodious in the World , the Words were these , Have mercy upon us Miserable Sinners : Ay , ( says he ) they might as well h●ve s●id , H●ve mercy upon us Miserable Singers . 75. Two Sparks standing together in the Cloys●ers , seeing a pretty Lady pals by , says one of them . There goes the handsomest Lady that ever I saw in my Life : She hearing him , turned back , and seeing him very ugly , said , Sir , I would I could in way of Requital say as much of you : Faith , says he , so you may , and Lye as I did . 76. A Poor man in Smithfield having a mind to bind his Son to a Butcher ; but being ●olicitous to get a Master of whom he might learn his Trade well , he asked his Friend , who was an Ingenious Gentleman , and had great Acquaintance , to whom he should Bind him ? O , says he , there is a Physitian hard by you , Bind him to him ; for he kills more than all beside in the Town . 77. A Gallant , Dining at a Friends House , had promised a Lady to meet her in the Afternoon ; but being engaged after Dinner at Cards , could not fairly get away ; wherefore he called his Boy , and sent him to the Lady to excuse him ; whispering him in the Ear , that whatever Answer the Lady returned , he should tell it him as if it were from a Man ; that the Company might not know . So the Boy went on his Errand , and a little after returned to his Master , who asked him aloud before the Company ▪ What was the Gentleman at home ? Yes Sir , answered the Boy : Well , what said he to you : He said , Sir , you might appoint any other time : What was he doi●g , says the Gentleman ? He was putting on his Hood and Scarf , to go to Mass , says the Boy , which discovered the Intreague , and set them all a L●ughing . 78. A Woman asking her Husband for some Money to buy a broad Silver and Gold Lace , to put on her Petticoat , he replied thus to her , If I once make you a Gold-finch , you will prove a Wag-tail all your Life after . 79. One that was a great Eater , sitting down to Supper , complained that he had lost his Stomach , Well says a merry Fellow that was there , If a Poor Man has found it , he will be utterly undone . 80. A Bishop being informed by hi● Steward of the greatness of his Expence , that it was over proportionable to his Estate ; and that particularly the number of his Servants was too great : The Bishop ordered him to draw up a Note , of such as were necessary , and such as were not ; which being done , he Summoned all his Servants together , and reading the Note , separated them ; and then said , These I have need of , and therefore they must continue ; those have need of me , and therefore they must continue also . 81. Just after the late Kings Restauration , when going to Church came to be in fashion , an old Woman was advised by her Neighbours to go to Church ; for fear of being Presented , she was resolved to go once a month to save her Bacon : So Dressing her self very fine , she came into the Church just at the Expiration of the Letany , and the Parson having said , Lord have Mercy upon us , and then the People Responding thereunto ; she Cryed out aloud , I never was here before in my Life , an● since you make such a Wonderment at it , I will never come again . 82. Two Gentlemen walking in Cheapside , in Oliver's time , saw the Sign of the Golden-Cross ; One of them proffered to lay two Bottles of Wine with the other , that he would make the master of the Shop pull down the Sign : The Wager being laid , he pulls off his Hat , and makes half a dozen Leggs to the Sign , first on one side , and then on the other , which the Master of the Shop seeking , thinking to prevent his future Superstition , suddenly pulled down his Sign , whereby the Gentleman won his two Bottles of Wine . 83. A Minister finding his Parishioners to be Ignorant , was resolved to Examine and Instruct them at home ; so going to an Ancient Womans House , amongst other Questions , he asked her how many Commandments there were ? She told him she could not tell : He told her there were Ten : Whereat she replied , A Iolly Company ! God Bless you and them both together : Well , but Neighbour ( says he ) Do you think you can keep these Commandments ? Ah! God Bless you , Sir , ( said she ) I am a poor Woman , and can ha●dly keep my self ; I hope you will not put me to the Charge of keeping any of the Commandments for you . 84. Going to another of them , ●e asked her , who made her ? She Replyed , She did not know : A Child standing by , he asked him the same Question , who Answered , God ; whereupon the Parson Reproving the Old Woman , told her it was a shame that she should be so Ignorant , who had lived to those Years , and that little Child could tell Marry , quoth she , I am old Woman , and have been made a great while , and he was made but t'other day ; he may well tell who made him . 85. A Quaker went to sell a Horse in Smithfield , a Chapman who looked on the Horse , complained of his Head ; Quoth the Quaker , He that made that Head , won't learn of thee to make Heads . Why Friend , says the other , may I not speak of thy Horses faults if I see them ? Nay , said he ▪ for he sees none in thee , why shouldst thou see any in him . The Man was so taken with the bluntness of the Quaker , that he bought his Horse ; which , as he had told him before , was stark blind . 86. Two Gentleman Riding on the Road , espi●d at a distance an old Woman a doing her necessary occasion , by a Hedge side ; one of them offered a Bottle of Wine , that she would turn and see what she had done ; they agreed on the Wager , and she accordingly did . Well , says the Loser , I 'll ask her why she did so when I come to her ; then Riding up to her , Well , good Woman , said he , I see you have been Evacuating your self ; Did you so ? quoth she , you see no more with your Eyes , then you may carry away in your Mouth . But pray Mrs. said the Gentle●an , what made you look back on it , when you had done ? To see if there were enough for you Both , Sirs , replyed she . 87. A Young Esquire , who had more Money than Wit , Travelling into Spain to a University , where a Man might be made a Doctor for Money , had a mind to take his Degrees ; so for his better Reception , he invited the Doctor of the Chair to Supper , where being a little flushed with the expectation of his new Honour , he asked the Doctor if he would take Money to make his Horse a Doctor too ? Yes , says he , I may make a Horse a Doctor , as well as an Ass ; and so by consequence yo●r Horse as well as your self . 88. An Impertinent Fellow told a Gentleman , that he was mad for doing a thing with less Judgment then he ought to have done , and that he ought to be sent to Bedlam to be cured of Frenzie ; and went on at that rate , till the Gentleman wittily answered , That he admired as much , why ( as in every Commonwealth there was provided a Bedlam for Madmen ) there was never any place alotted for Fools . 89. A merry Archer coming into the Market on a Market day , necked an Arrow as if he intended to Shoot , and said , with a ●oud Voice , Now have at a Cuckold . A Woman thinking he aimed that way , and her Husband being by her , cries out , Stand away Husband , stand aw●y Husband : Why you silly Jade ( says he ) I am no Cuckold , am I ? No , no , ( quoth she ) but who knows how a confonnded Arrow may glance ? 90. A Farmer in Essex , who for his Means was made a Knight , and his Wife thereby growing very Gallant and Fine ; a Jocose Gentleman told his Worship , That he did not do well , in spoiling a Good Wife , to make a Mad-Dame . 91. A merry Gentleman seeing a great Dish of Broth brought to the Table , with a little Chop of Mutton in the middle of it , began hastily to unbutton his Doublet : one asking him the meaning of it ; I mean ( says he ) to swim through this Sea of Pottage , to that Island of Mutton . 92. A merry Fellow Riding with his Master , he desired to ask him a Question ; his Master knowing him to be a jocose witty Rogue , gave him leave : Why then , Sir , said he , you see a Horse and an Ass yonder feeding together : now suppose you were forced to be a Beast , which of those two would ●ou be ? You Fool , said the Master , I would be a Horse , as being the noble● and more generous Creature : I am of another Opinion , said the Man , for I would be an Ass : His Master being pleased with the Humour , asked his reason ? Why , said he , I have often seen an Ass Ride the Great Ho●●e , strut briskly before his Company , be made a Iustice , have the honour of Knighthood conferred on him , and often Elected Mayor of a Corporation ; but I never knew a Horse capable of any of these Preferments . 92. An Ignorant Countrey Fellow coming along Paternoster-Row , had occasion to change a Half-Crown into small money , and looking over a Grate which stood on the Stall , there sate a large Monkey , whom he prayed to change his money ; the Monkey took it , and put it into the Till of the Compter , where he had observed money to be put , and then came and Grinn'd at the M●● ; who being in a passion , made a noise at the Door , whereat the man of the Shop , coming into the Shop , asked him what was the matter ? Sir , said he , I gave your Son half a Crown to change , and he will not give it me again , b●t laughs at me , and will not give me one word of answer , tho I have asked him for it many a time . 94. Two Friends meeting , one being overjoyed to see the other ▪ Hark you Sir , said he , Between you and I , my Wife 's with Child . Faith , cry'd the other , you 're a liar , for I have not seen her this twelve Months . 95. Two Persons who had been formerly acquainted , but had not seen each other a great while , meeting on the Road , one ask'd the other how he did , he told him , He was very well , and was Married since he saw him : the other reply'd , That was wel● indeed : not so well neither , said he , for I have M●rried a Shrew . That 's ill , said the other . Not so ill neither , said he , for I had 2000 Pounds with her . That 's well again , said his Friend . Not so well neither , for I laid it out in Sheep , and they died of the Rot. That was ill indeed , said the other . Not so ill neither , said he , for I sold the Skins for more money then the Sheep cost . Th●t was well indeed , quoth his Friend . Not so well neither , said he , for I laid out my money in a House and it was burned . That 's very ill , said the other . Not so ill neither , said he , for my Wife was burned in it . 96. One that had been very much vex'd in Law-suits , went to Tyburn one day to see the Execution , and vow'd , That 't was better to have to do with Tyburn , then Westminster H●ll ; for there Suits hang half a year , but at Tyburn half an hours hanging ends all . 97. A young Countrey Esquire , who you must think never read Cook upon Littleton , &c. had a mind to borrow some money privately , for which he was to give a Bond , and hearing it run , Be it known unto all men ; Hey boys ! says he , if all men must know it , then I 'm sure it will come to my Fathers Ear ; therefore I will have no such Bond drawn . 98. A Handsom young Widow having lately Bu●●ed an old grave Husband , called Old Simon , had been so used to ● Bedfellow , that she could not sleep without one ; but could endure the thoughts of none but her dear Husband ; wherefore she ordered a Carver to make her Husbands Statue as near as he could ; which every Night ( being w●ll warmed ) had a Shirt and Night-Cap put on , and was laid by her in Remembrance of her Husband , ●hat she might , at least , embrace him in Effigie . This Trade had lasted ever since her Husbands Death , and she would not admit the Cour●ship of any S●iter , till at last a young Gentleman who was inflamed with no small passion for her , had by the help of his Wit , and some good Angels preva●led with her Maid to lay him one Night in the place of Old Symon : So the Widow came to bed to him , and casting her hand over her dear S●atue ( as she thought ) she felt a more agreeable warmth than usual ; nay , she fancied 't was alive and had motion ; She was not frighted at it ( which is not a little wonderful ) but by degrees crept closer and closer to her Side-mate , till at length they were locked in mutual embraces ; by which she with pleasure found that it was not her Wooden Bedfellow . In the Morning the Maid call'd at the Chamber-door , as she u●●d to do ; Madam , what will you please to have for Dinner to Day ? she replyed , Rost the Goose , and the two Pheasants that were brought in Yesterday , Boyl a Leg of Mutton and Colly-flowers , and get a good Dish of Tarts and Custards , and a Dish of good dryed Fruit. Madam , says the Maid , I think we have hardly Billers enough for a quick fire . You may burn Old Symon , says she , burn Old Symon . 99. A young Buxom Maid , that was newly Married to an old Man ( by her covetous Father for money ( was very melancholy ; which a merry Fellow seeing , to comfort her , said , Be of good Chear , my pretty dear Rogue , for an old Horse will perform as good as Iourney as a young one , She Smirking and Sighing said , withal stroaking down her Belly , But not in this Road , Sir. 100. A Gentleman that was a Lawyer , coming up to London , to the Term , met a plain Countrey-man , and after the usual Complement , of well met , &c. says the Gentleman , Pray Friend answer me this Question , Which are the greatest Wonders in the World ? To which , after a little consideration , he dryly Replyed , Womens and Lawyers Tongues ; for , says he , they always lye , yet never lye still . 101. A Gentleman Riding on the Road , overtook a young brisk Countrey Lass , who after some time Travelling together , consented to his Amours ; the Man being conscious of what he had done , and how Prejudicial it might prove to the Maid ; told her , if any thing came of their Endeavours , she should hear of him at a certain place in London : 'T is no matter Sir , said she , I am to be married on Monday . 102. An ignorant old woman in the Countrey , hearing a Minister Preach on the Passion of Christ , of the Cruel and Barbarous Death that the Iews put him to , wept grievously ; and when the Minister had done , she came to him , and asked him how long ago it was since this sad thing was done ? The Minister told her it , was Sixteen hundred Years since : O then , says the Woman , being a little revived , if it be so long ago , I hope in God it may not be true . 103. A brisk young Woman going to her Husbands Funeral , a Gentleman comes and whispers her in the Ear , proffering his Service in way of Courtship : She thanked him very kindly , but told him , He came too late ; for says she , I was Yesterday made sure to another . 104. A Citizen Travelling into the Countrey , came into a very good Inn , where the Master of the House was Complaisant to him , showing all his conveniencies ; which were so far beyond the common I●ns , that he told him , It was a House for a Nobleman ; at which the Inn-keeper fell into a great Passion , calling him Rascal , and abusive Fellow . The Gentleman not being pleased with his Entertainment , went to the next House in the same Town ; where telling his Host the business , he informed him , That the Man had lately Broke , and Paid but a Noble in the Pound of his Debts , which had Enabled him to Build that spacious House . 105. An Amorous Gentleman in Paris , Playing under his Mistresses Window with a Lute , she commanded her Servants to throw Stones at him , which he took in good part , and esteemed as a great Grace , fancying himself like Orpheus ; saying , The Stones danced after his Musick . 106. A Wine Cooper in Mark Lane , taking a Gentleman down into his Cellar to Treat him , he finding no Seat there for him to sit on , asked him the reason of it : Why , says the Wine-Cooper , I will have no Man here Drink longer than he can stand . 107. A Citizen of London had for a long time been Jealous of his Wife , mistrusting her Chastity , but had no real proof of it ; till at length he resolving to have an ocular Demonstration , pretends to go into the Countrey , but returns the same Night ; and coming into the House , looks through the Door into his Wives Chamber , and sees a brisk Spark Caressing her in an Amorous manner . Having thus satisfied his Curiosity , he retires , resolving to discipline her the next day : So he comes to her , and after some little Discourse , taxes her with the last Nights Recreation . She denies it , and he affirms it , telling her that he saw it with his own Eyes : to which she wittily and simperingly said , What , my Dear ! Won't you believe your own dear Wife , before your own Eyes ? 108. Two young Fellows observing a Countrey man go up into the Monument , went up after him , and when they came to the top , they bound him , and pickt his Pocket : which as soon as ever they had done , they heard some body coming up : So being put to their Shifts , and in some danger of discovery , they made haste down , and meeting a Man , they told him , There was a pleasant Scene acting at top , between a young Maid and her Sweet-heart : So the Man believing them , and being a merry Fellow , went down with them , saying , That if he could make no sport , he was resolv'd to spoil none , and so by this witty Stratagem the Rogues escaped with the money and the poor Countrey-man was left to be relieved by the next comer . 109. An old Bawd being brought before a Justice of Peace , in London , for keeping a B●wdy-House , and being accused by several Witnesses , and upon probable Grounds , the Justice said in a Passion to her , You old Hag , you do keep a Debauched House , and I will maintain it : whereupon the old Jade dropt him a Courtesie , saying , I most humbly thank your Worship , I desire no better Warrant . 110. A Tinker coming through Cornhill , and sounding briskly on his Kettle , Have you any Work for a Tinker ? A Grocer that thought to put a Jest upon him ( there being a Pillory near his Door ) bid him stop those two Holes , pointing to the Pillory : to whom the Tinker smartly replyed , Sir , if you will lend me your Head and Ears , I will find a Hammer and Nails , and give you my Work into the bargain . 111. A modest Gentlewoman being forced by her Mother to accuse her Husband of Defect , she desired the Judge , being in Court , that she might Write her mind for Modesties sake . So the Judge granted her request , and ordered Ink and Paper to be given her : So she took the Pen without dipping it into the Ink , and ●ade as if she would Write , says one of the Counsellers to her , Madam , there 's no Ink in your Pen. Truly Sir , says she , that is just my Case , and therefore I need not Explain my self any further . 112. Queen Elizabeth coming into a School in London , and seeing a very pert Boy , asked him how often he had been Whipt ? To whom he Ingeniously answered in these words of AEneas to Queen Dido , Infandum Regina juber removare dolorem . For which she gave him a Reward . 113. Another time the Queen coming into Westminster-School , had some Verses made to her Extempore , by a poor Boy : and being pleased with his quickness , she bid him make some Verses upon this , Pauper ubique jacet , which he did presently as follows : In Thalamis Regina tuis hac nocte Iacerem , Si verum hoc esset , pauper ubique jacet . For which the Queen took special notice of him , and gave him great preferment afterwards . 114. A Gentleman being in Mourning for his Father , was Riding out with some fine Ladies , who seeing his Horse have a Velvet Saddle , and Embroyder'd Cloath , ask'd him why that was not black too ? O , says the Gentleman , my Horses Father is not dead yet . 115. A Countrey Farmer coming up to London , had a Token to deliver to his Landlord's Son , a young Gentleman of the Temple : when he came to his Chamber , he found a Note in the Key-hole , written , I am gone to the Devil : Whereupon the poor Farmer fell into a great fright , having the sadd●st apprehensions imaginable . Alas ! said he , that ever my Landlord should send his Son to this wicked place : a fine young Gentleman that has cost his Father many a fair pound to bring him up to Learning , and that ever he should come to this Ungodly Town , in two or three Months time to go to the Devil ; I dare not carry this sad evil Tydings to his Father : And as he was making these sad Lamentations , a young Student came up and told him , that the Note only meant the Devil-Tavern ha●d by , and that he believed he might find him there . So he went thither , and found the Gentleman , and presented his Fathers Token , and then told him the extraordinary Trouble he was in , upon Reading the Note . At which the Gentleman laughed heartily , and gave the Farmer such an Entertainment , that when he came down into the Countrey , he told his Friends , That he never fared better in his Life , than he did at the Devil , which put them all into no small Astonishment . 116. A Scholar of Oxford , having wore out the Heels of his Boots , brought them in his hands to a Cobler , and shewing him them , said , O thou curious Artificer , that hast by no small pains and study , arrived to the perfection of that exquisite Art of repairing the defects of old decayed Calcuments , affix me two Semicircles to my Suppeditors . The Cobler stared upon him , as if he would have looked him through : but a little recovering himself , said , Before George Sir , I understand not your hard Language : but if I put on two Heel-pieces , I 'll have a Groat for them . 117. The same Scholar being asked by a Porter for a Gentlemans Chamber in the Colledg , he directed him thus , you must crucifie the Quadrangle , and ascend the Grades , and you will find him perambulating in his Cubicle , near the Fenkster . Pray Sir , says the Porter , what is that Fenester ? It is , replies the Scholar , the Diaphanous part of an Edifice , erected for the Introduction of Illumination : which so amazed the Porter , that at first he did not know what to think , till recovering himself , he went and enquired of another , who gave him plainer directions , in more intelligible terms . 118. An old Usurer dying , left a good Estate to his Son , who was more lavish in the spending of it , then his Father had been careful in scraping it up : As this young Spark was riding in his Coach to Epsome , he was angry with his Coachman , for not driving faster , calling to him , saying , You Dog , if you do not make more haste , I will come and kick you to the Devil . Sir , replied the Coach man , I swear if you do , I 'll there tell your Father how extravagan●ly you have spent his Estate . 119. A Gentleman living in the Countrey , having some urgent business at London , and his Lady at the same time being ready to Lye in , leaves order with his Servant , a Welsh-man , that when his Lady was Delivered , if it were a Son , he should come to London , and acquaint him , promising him for his paines a new Suit of Cloaths ; the Lady was in a short time after Delivered of a Daughter ; however Iack ( unwilling to lose his Suit of Cloathes ) goes to London , and acquain●s his Master that his Lady was brought to Bed of a brave young Son : the Gentleman being over-joyed at the News , performed his Promise , and Iack being well accoutred , returns to his Mistress : and in a short time after , the Gentleman returns ; and meeting his Wife , wisheth her much Joy of her Son ; but she alledging it was a Daughter , and he finding himself abused , orders Iack to be sent for ; who when he came , still continued in his former saying , that it was a Son ; whe●eupon the Child was produced , and shown to the whole Company ; Iack still avers it to be a Son : Why thou Fool , quoth the Nurse , if it were a Son it should have a Cock here . Cots-plut , quoth the Welshman , Is hur in haste ? Would hur have a Cock there already ? Let hur keep hur till hur is sixteen or seventeen years old , and if hur have no Cock then , Hang hur . 120. A brisk young Lady , seeing the Sheriff of a County , who was a comely young Man , wait upon the Judge , who was an old Man , was asked by one , which she had most mind to , the Judge , or the Sheriff ? She answered , the Sheriff . He asking the reason , she replied , That she loved Iudgement well , but Execution much better . 121. Some Souldiers in the Camp being very Lowsie , complain'd to their Captain , who being a Jocose man , bid them turn their Shirts , and shake them , telling them that the Lice would have a days March , at least , before they could come to their Skin . 122. A Handsome Countrey Maid coming to Croyden Market , and being very nimble , leaped off her Horse , but the Pummel of her Saddle being high , catcht hold of her Petticoat , and shewed almost all that Nature gave her ; which a Gentleman standing by and seeing , said , Sweetheart , you have a very clear Skin , To whom she answered briskly , Sir , if you like it so well , why did not you come and Kiss it , to take your leave on 't , for you are not ever like to see it again ? 123. Two Scotchmen meeting about Dinner time , one asked the other to lend him Six-pence ; by my Troth , quoth he , I have but a Groat ; Prithee Man , said he , lend me that , and I will trust you for the other Two pence . 124. A young Woman having married a great Student , who was so inte●t on his Studies , that she thought her self too little regarded by him , and one day when they were at Dinner with some Friends , she wished her self a Book , that she might have more of her Husbands Company ; If it must be so , says her Husband , I wish thou wert an Almanack , that I might change thee for a new one once a Year . 125. A Gentleman alighting out of his Coach at White-hall , ask'd a F●ot-man that stood there , what a Clock it was ? Sir , says the Foot-man , what will you give me ? Why , replied the Gentleman , must I give you any thing to tell me that ? Yes Sir , said he , for we Courtiers do nothing without money . 126. Two Gentlemen discoursing over a Glass of Wine , of the Affairs of England , and of the several Classes of men therein ; One of them wittily said , That in it there were neither Scholars enough , Gentlemen enough , nor Iews enough . I can b●● admire at your openion in that , says the other Gentleman ; for methinks there are rather too many of those sorts than too few . To which he replied , If there were Scholars enough , so many would not be double or treble beneficed . If Gentlemen enough , so many Peasants would not be reckoned amongst the Gentry . And if Iews enough , so many Christians would never profess Vsury . 127. A conceited Scholar that was lately come from Oxford , Drinking with two or three Gentlemen at the Mitre-Tavern in the Poultrey , was very brisk and airy , and would needs be forming of Sylogismes &c. One wise one was this , He bid them fill two Glasses of Wine , which they did : Now , says he , I will prove those two Glasses to be three , thus , Is not here one , says he ? Yes , says the Gentleman . And here another , that 's two , says he : Yes , says the Gentleman again . Why then , says he , one and two is three , so 't is done . Very well , says the Gentleman , I 'll have one Glass , and that Gentleman shall have the other , and you shall have the third for your pains in finding it out . 128. One who had lain with his Female Servant , the next day asked her how many Commandments there were ? She answered nine . Thou Fool , quoth he , hast thou lived to this Age , and knowest no better ? There are ten . I know , says she , very well , there were ten Yesterday ; but you and I broke one of them the last Night , so that there are but nine of them left . 129. A witty , though unfortunate Fellow , having tried several Trades , and failed in them all , at last took an Ale-house , and set up the Sign of the Shirt ; Writing under it , This is my last Shift ; which witty Device , brought him much Company and Profit . 130. A Gentleman that had never been used to Wounds , received a small Scratch with a Sword in a Tavern-Fray ; at which he was sadly frighted , and sent immediately for a Chyrurgeon , who coming , and seeing the Wound but slight , and the Gentleman in a great fear ; for sports sake pretended great danger , and therefore sends his Man with great speed to fetch him such a Plaister : Why Sir , quoth the Gentleman , is the wound so dangerous ? O Yes , replyed the Arch Chyrurgeov , for if he don't make great haste , it will heal of it self , before he comes . 131. A young Lady being to be sworn at Hygate ; the Lord Judge asked her whether she would have a Pr — , or a Pear ? A Pr — my Lord , says she , Well said Madam , says he , you speak like a Modest Lady ; for some of your Sex can't be contented with a Pr — but they must have a pair . 132. A Woman in the Countrey that had Ten Children , told her Husband that Nine of them were his , and no more ; now he mistrusting the Parson of the Parish had been sweet upon her , said , Well , Wife , I 'll keep the Nine , but I never denyed the Clergy their due , and so will not begin now ; for the Parson shall have the Tenth for his Tythe , it being rightly due to him . 133. Parson Bull coming to visit one Mr. Hide . Hide said smileing , Bull , where are your Horns ? Sir , replied Bull , they always go with the Hide . 134. A Countrey man coming through Cheapside with Hob nails in his Shoes , and treading in a slippery place , his Heels flew up ; which a Ci●izen taking notice of in his Shop , said to the Fellow , How now , Friend ? You see our City stones are so proud , they scorn to let a Countrey-Clown tread on them . Hah ! says the Countrey-man , as proud as they are , I made them kiss my Arse . 135. A Scotchman having found an extra-ordinary large Turnip in his Garden , which is a Root that Scotchmen love very well , ) came and presented it to King Iames ; who being pleased with the humour of the Man , gave him a hundred Pounds . A Courtier seeing this , thought with himself , thus , if the King regards a Turnip so much , and rewards the Giver of it so nobly , how much more nobly will he reward me for a greater present . So he presented the King with a curious Race Horse , which when the King received , he said to his Nobles , what shall I give to this man for his present , and when they were all silent , says the King , By my Soul man I will give thee the Turnip . 136. A Welshman that was condemned to be hanged , had the benefit of the Clergy granted to him , and so was burnt in the Hand ; which when it was doing , they bid him say , God bless the King. Nay , says he , God bless hur Father and Mother ; for if they had not taught hur to read , hur might hwve been hanged for all the King. 137. A Lady that was going to Mass , was interrupted by a Rustical Fellow that stood just in the Church Door , and hindred her going in . She prayed him to make a little way , to which he gave h●r a Clownish Answer , which stirred up her Passion a little , and thinking it in vain to expect any Civility from him , she said , Sir , I perceive that the Mass for Clowns and Fools is over , so that you having no more business here had best be gone . Yes Madam , says he , drily , that is over , and that for Wh — 's is just now beginning ; you ha● best make haste in , and put in for a share . 138. Another Lady going to Ma●s to present her Tapers , fixed one to St. Michael , and another to the Devil that was at his Feet . The Clerk seeing her , told her she did not do we●l to offer a a Candle to the Devil , No matter , says the Lady , 't is good to have Friends every where ; for we know not where we shall g● . 139. A ●ussing young Blade coming to E●som , cal●'d an honest plain Countrey-man , that was there to hold his Hors● ▪ Can one hold him , says he ? Yes , yes , says the Gallant . Then you may do it your self , replied the Countrey-man , and so went away . 140. A C●untrey man that was very ignorant , coming to the Arch-Bishops House , with his Rent , the A●ch-Bishop coming through the Hall , asked who ' t was ? An 't please your Worships Honour , says the Countrey man , I am come to pay you your Rent ; so the Arch Bishop went out ; and the Servants told him , he must say , An 't please your Grace ; But the Arch-B●shop coming in again , he was at , An 't please your Worships Honour ; they told him he must say Grace ; Must I so ? says he ; then putting his Hat before his Eyes , he said ▪ The Eyes of all things , &c. 141. A Q●aker having took a Lodging at the Kings-Arms Inn in Holbourne ; the House being full , a damming Blade came up into the Room , and would have hectored him out , but the Quaker told him 't was his Room , and by Yea , and Nay , he should not come there . The Hector began to thunder out his Oa●hs , and to strike him ; but the Quaker being a stout Fellow , returned him his Blows with Int●rest , and at last very fairly kicked him down stairs , upon which the Master of the House sent up the Tapster to know what was the Cause of this noise above , he told h●● ' ●was nothing ●ut that Yea , and Nay had kickt God Damme down Stairs . 142. A Gentleman reproving h●s Friend that was a married Man , for getting a Maidwith Child , saying , He admired that such a man as he would defile his Bed so : You mistake , Sir , says he , there was no defiling of my Bed in the Case , for I did it in the Fields . 143. An Arch Wag asking why Monks , and Fryers were called Holy Fathers , since they never Married . O replied an Ingenious Gentleman , if you consider how much the World is beholden to them for Propagation , how many swarms of young Frieslings they supply the World with , you 'll see a great deal of reason for it . 144. A conceited Fellow , that had an extraordinary good opinion of himself , asked his Friends what others thought of him ? Why , says his Friend , The Wise think you foolish , and Fools think you wise ; Now pray , What think you of your self . 145. Pope Vrban using to commend the Institution of the single Life in Priests , and to blame their using of Concubines , was wont to say , God has forbidden 〈◊〉 to g●● Children , and the Devil has given us Nephews . 146. Two Gentlemen that had been a great while at Law together , and had spent a great deal of Money at it , one of the Gentlemens Friends told him , That his Antagonist had removed his Suit into Chancery ; Let him remove it into Hell , says he , I don't question but to get a Lawyer to follow it for Money . 147. A Gentleman in Brussels talking with a Priest about Religion , asked Why they kissed the Cross more than any other p●ece of Wood ? and what there was more in that , than in any other Trees else , that they did not kiss them ? Why , said the Priest , Is not your Wife made all of the same F●●sh and Blood ? and what 's the reason you don't kiss her back-side , as well as her Mouth . 148. An English Merchant at Lisbon in Spain , ●old some Jews five hundred pounds worth o● Gloves ; but they falling off from their Bargain , would have but half of them : Well , said the Merchant , you ●●st give me ●ometime to s●r● them , and then you shall have half ; so he ordered his Man to put all the Right handed Gloves in one parcel , and the Left-handed Gloves in another . Then when the Jews came , he bid them take their Choice ; which when they had do●e , and were packing of them up , they perceived them to be all for one band ; and so were glad to take the other parcel at the M●r●hants own rate . 149. One standing in the P●llory at the Exchange , and his Wife being by him to bear him Company , a Gentleman that saw him , said , He believed he was a Papist , because he had his Cross with him . 150. Another man heari●g a Parson Preach on that Text , Take up your Cross and follow me ; took his Wife upon his Back the next Sunday , and came into the middle of the Church , while the Pa●son was preaching , and looking up to him , said , N●w Sir , I have brought my Cross , what must I do with it ? The Minister being a little su●p●iz'd at the humour of the Fellow , hardly knew what to say to him , but at last he bid him set it down there : Yes , that I will , says he , with all my heart , though it were in the middle of the Sea : But I s●● , savs he , as well as you pretend to love the Cross , mine may lie upon my hands this forty Years , before you 'll ease me of it . 151. A Gentleman ask'd on of the Female Sex , Whether she was Maid , Wife , or Widdow ; and bid her tell him truly : She being a little put to it , after some consideration upon this hard question , and being above twenty years old answered him thus , Though I was never married , Sir , yet you may write me down Young Woman . 152. King Henry the Eighth , going once to Gravesend , took Will. Summers his Jester wi●h him for his diversion ; the Wind being very high , it was very tempestuous ; and Summers being very fear●u● , thought himself in great danger , and said to the King , Harry , Harry , I had rather be thy Fool by Land , than thy Companion by Watter : At which the King laugh●'d heartily . 153. A Nobleman having a mind to be merry , sent for his Chaplain , and tol● him , That unless he could resolve him these , Three Questions , he should be discarded , and turn'd out of his Service ; but if he cou'd , he shou'd have Thirty Guinneys ▪ and the best Horse in his Stable : So he propos'd the Questions to him , which were these ; First , What compass the World w●s about ? Secondly , How deep the Sea was ? And Thirdly , What he thought ? The Poor Chaplain was in a peck of Troubles , and did not know how to answer them , or what to say , thinking them very unreasonable Questions ; so that all he could do was to desire a little time to consider upon them , which the Earl granted . So he going a long the Fields one day very melancholy , a Cobler of the Town , a merry Fellow ( who was very like the Chaplain , both in Physiognomy and Stature ) met him , and ask'd him the reason of his sadness ; which with some Reluctancy he told him : O Sir , says the Cobler , don't be dejected , chear up ; I 've thought of a device to save your Place , and get you the Money and Horse too ; but you shall give me Ten Guinneys for my pains . So he agreed to 't ; and it was ●hus : Says he , I 'll put on your Cloaths , and go to My Lord , and answer his Questions . Accordingly he went , and when he came before him , he answer'd him thus : To the first Question , What Compass the World was about ? He answered , It was four and twenty hours Iourney ; and if a man could keep ●pace with ●he Sun he might easily go it 〈◊〉 t●at ●●me . To the Second , How deep ●●e Sea was ? He answer'd , Only ● stones throw ; for cast it into the deepest place of it , and in time it will come to the bottom . To the th●d , ( which I fancy your Lordship thinks the most difficult to be resolv'd , but is indeed the easiest ) which is , What your Lords●ip thinks ? I answer , That you think I am your Chaplain , when as indeed I am but the Cobler of Gl●●cester . The Nobleman was so pleas'd with his witty Answers , that he p●rform'● his Promise t● his Chap●a●n , and gave the Cobler Ten Guinneys for his Ingenuity . 154. Says a Glazier to a Painter , I see you do all under a Colour . Get you gone , you Rogue , r●ply'd the Painter , you 're alw●ys ●icking of Quarrels . 155. A Certain King kept a Fool in his Court , that us'd to write down in a Book all the Follies of the great Men in the Court ▪ which Book the King sometimes , when he was dispos'd to be Mer●y , wou'd look into . Now one day after Dinner , the King reading of the Book , found himself in it , with a Story of five thousand Pounds , which he gave a Iew in his Court , to go to B●rbary and buy Horses with : So the King ask'd his Jester , Why he put him in , Why , says he , for giving your Mon●y to one t●●t you may never see , again : But says the King , What if he should return and bring the Horses , what Folly is it then ? Why , if he doe's , replyed the Fool , I 'll blot out your Name , and put in his , for a Fool , for not keeping your Money whe● he had it . 156. Two Women scolding in the Street , another of their Acquaintance came by , whom they would refer th●ir Cas●s to ; N● , says the W●m●n , pray Excuse me , I won't meddle in it , but will stand Neuter : How can that be , says on of them , when you have been common to all the Town ? 157. Doctor F●l●r , overtook one Mr. Woodcock upon the Road , falling in●o D●sc●urse in a facetious manner , ask'd him what diff●re●ce th●re was between a Woodcock and an Owl , ( supposing M● Woodcock had not known him ) He wittily replyed , That an Owl was Fuller in the Head , Fuller in the Face , Fuller in the Eyes , Fuller in the Neck , and Fuller all over . A Scholar meeting a Countreyman upon the Road , Rid up ve●y briskly to him ; but the Countreyman out of Respect to him , was turning off his Horse to give him the Road , when the Scholar laying his Hand upon his Sword , said , 'T is well you gave me the Way , or I 'd . — What wou'd you have done ? said the Countreyman , holding up his Club at him : Given it you Sir , says he , pulling of his Hat to him . 159. One Reading in the Famous History of the S●ven Champions , how St. George kill'd the Dragoon , and sav'd Sabra the fair Maid of Egypt , said , He admir'd how Men co●'d invent such Lies ; for , says he , I believe there never was any such Dra●oon , or such a Man as St. George . O , says another , I can believe that , better than that there was a Maid . 160. A Tallow Chandler dying , a merry Fellow said , He wondred , that he that had made so many Weeks , cou'd make his Life no longer . 162. A Lusty young Man , in Somersetshire , after he had been Married about four Months , grew very Lean and Feeble , so that he cou'd hardly crawl along ; He one day seeing a Butcher run over a Plough'd Field after a Mad-Bull , ask'd him the reason of it ? Why , says the Butcher , it is to Tame him : O , says the Fellow , Let him be Married , let him be Married ; if that don't Tame him , I 'll be hang'd . 163. A Soldier , a merry Fellow , finding a Louse on his Sleave , walking to take the Air , took him up by the Back , and said , I swear , if I catch ●ou ag●in out of your Quarters , you shall be Hang'd ; and so put him into the Collar of his Dublet . 164. A certain Highway-man having committed a Robbery in Devonshire , was taken in Dorsets●ire , making towards London , and brought before a Justice of Peace , who wou'd not meddle with him , but wou'd send him back into the Shire where he committed the Robbery ; which a witty Countrey man hearing ( that had been at the trouble of taking him , and was unwilling to Guard him back into the other County ) desir'd leave to ask the Justice one Question , which he granted : Why then , says the Man , I desire your Worship to tell me , if a man be taken abed with your Wife to Night , whether ●e must be sent thither again the next night . 165. A Gentleman ord●'d a Crane for Supper ; but his Cook having a Sweet-heart in a longing condition , 〈◊〉 off a Leg and sent her ; so the One-Leg●'d Crane was set on the Tab●e , which the Gentleman seeing , was enrag'd at his Cook ; but he being an arch Wag , readily told the Gentleman , that Cranes had but one Leg ? and avow'd it with that co●fidence , that he gain'd upon his wise Masters belief ; but he resolving to observe it as he was walking in the Fields one Frosty Morning , he saw a flock of Cranes , and sending for his Cook , they held up one of their Legs under their Wings , as is the custom of those b●rds in the cool weather ; So , says his Cook , I hope your Worship is su●●fied that they have but one ●eg ; but the Gentleman going pretty near to them , cries Cush , and frighted them up . wher●upon both Legs appear'● ; Look , says the Gentleman , they have now two Legs : Oh , says the Cook , if you had cried Cush to that in the Dish , it wou'd have had two Legs too . 166. A Gentleman losing his Watch , Complain'd to his his Frie●d of his loss ; Alas , Sir , says he , all the World c●●'t help it , Time will away . 167. A Bully meeting a brisk Lady in St. Iame's Park , with her naked Breasts appearing very tempting , says to her , Madam , is that Flesh to be sold ? No , replied she , no money shall buy it : Then , says he , Madam , if you won't sell you Ware , I 'd wish you to shut up your Shop : Faith , Sir , says she , you may be sure I 'll never let you come within my Doors : ' T is no matter , Madam , replied he , for I am sure they a●e wicked ones . 168. A Person of Quality in the Countre● , k●eping a Baboon at his Door with a handsome fine Co●ton ; a Countrey Fellow brought a Letter and gave it to the Baboon , who tore it to pieces ; and the Lord happening to come out , saw him do it ; at which he was angry with the Fellow , and asked him why he delivered it not to him himself ? Why , says the Fellow , I gave it to your Son , and he tore it : You Fool , says he , 't is a Baboon : Indeed , says the Fellow , I thought it was your Son , he is so like you . 169. A Woman having a mind to oblige her Husband , desired him to invite some of his Friends to Dinner , and they would be merry , for , says she , I have provided a curious Leg of Mutton for you : I thank you my Dear , says he , you are always very free of your Flesh to me , and every body else that has any Appetite to it . 170. Some S●holars having a spight against their Master , bec●use ●of his Ha●shness to them , resolved to play him some trick ; so knowing him to be a very curious neat Man , they daubed the Railes of the Stairs with a Sir R — Now the Master coming down in the dark , laid his Hands in it , which set him into a terrible feu'd ; so he called all the Schollars , and took them into strict Examination ; but suspecting one above the rest , he was very sharp upon him , urging him to confess it , telling him he did it ; the Boy utterly denied it ; but the Mas●er was the more pr●ssing upon him : Indeed , said the Lad , with all the Asseverations imaginable , I did it not , but if you please , I 'll tell you who had a hand in it : Hereupon the Master thought to have found out the Truth , and so very eagerly asked him who ? Your Worship , Sir , says he : Whereupon he was dismissed , with the applause of all his Fellows , for his Ingenuity . 171. A Merry Fellow in a great Storm at Sea , when all were at Prayers , Eat heartily on Salt-Beef ; and being asked his reason , answered , He should Drink more that day , than ever he did in his life . 172. Iohn Taylor the Water Poet ▪ being aboard the Ship , called , The Hector , was so Treated with Punch by the Captain , that it was easily perceived by the Seamen , who began to play upon him ; whereupon Iohn in a Poetical rage , invoked the Patron of the Ship thus , O Noble Hector ▪ Valiant Son of Priam , Grant all these Men may be as Drunk as I am . 173. A certain Knave asking a virtuous Gentlewoman , Jearingly , What was honesty ? She answered , What 's that to you ? Me●dle with those things that concern you . 174. A Young Man in London being caught a bed with his Mistress , was severely reprimanded by his Uncle , who set before him the example of Ioseph : O , ●ays he , if Joseph ' s Mistress had been as handsome as mine , I doubt not b●t he would have done as I did . 175. A Gentleman that had many Children , was saying one day to his Friend , that his Wife was more Fertile then his Land. I 'll give you a good reason for that , says his Friend , for if you are weary , and w●n't take pains to make her so , others will. 176. A Witty Fellow going along Paterno●er-Row , in a dark Winter Night , saw a Lanthorn hang out with a Candle in it , which he had a mind to , to light him home ; b●t as he had clim'd up to it , and was just going to unty it , the Maid of the House saw him , and asked what he medled with the Lanthorn for ? I beg your Pardon , says he , Sweet-heart , I only went to snuff the Candle , that I might see to go along . 177. Two Gentlemen riding from Barnet to London , met a Miller riding softly on his Sacks ; and they being merrily disposed , had a mind to abuse the Miller ; so one went on one side of him , and the other on the other , and having Rid so a little way with him , they prayed him to resolve them one Question , Whether , says they , art thou more Knave or Fool ? Trully , replyed the Miller , I don't know which I am most , but I think I am between both . 178. Mr. Randolph , the Great Wit of Cambridg , coming to London , had a mind to see Ben Ioh●son , who was Drinking at the Devil Tavern with Mr. Drayton , Mr. Daniel , and Mr. Silvester , three famous Poets of that Age ; he being loth to intrude into their Company , and yet desiring to be call'd in , peep'd in at the Door several times , till at last Mr. Iohnson perceiving him , said , Come in , Iohn Bopeep : which he did : and when the Reckoning came to be ●aid , which was Five Shillings , they agreed among themselves that he that made the best Extempory Verles , should be excused from paying any thing , and the other four should pay it all ; so every one made his Verses , and when it came to Mr. Randolph's turn , he made ●hese : I John Bopeep , to you four Sheep , With each one ●is good Fleece ; If you are willing to pay your five Shilling , 'T is fifteen Pence a piece . 179. Ben Iohnson and Silvester being very merry one day at the above named Tavern , began to Rhi●e upon one another ; so Silvester began thus : I Silvester Lay with your Sister . To whom Ben-Iohnson answered : I Ben Johnson Lay with your Wife . That , says Silvester , is no Rhym ; but , Faith , 't is true though , says Ben Iohnson . 180. Mr. Noy the Attorney General making a Venison Feast in a Tavern , where Ben Iohnson and some of his Companions were Drinking ▪ and he having a mind to some of the Venison , wrote these Verses , and sent them to Mr. Noy : When all the World was drown'd , No Venison could be found ; For then there was no Park : Lo here we sit Without e're a bit , Noy has it all in his Ark. For the ingenuity of which , Mr. Noy sent him a good corner of a Pasty , and half a Dozen Bottles of Sack to wash it down . 181. At another time , Ben Iohnson intending to go through the Half-Moon-Tavern in Aldersgate-Street , was denied entrance , the D●or being shut : upon which he made these Verses , Since the Half Moon is so unkind , to make me go about , The Sun my Money now shall take , the Moon shall go without . And so he went to the Sun Tavern at Long Lane end , forsaking the Half-Moon , for this affront . 182. A fool being very sick , and like to dye , one that went to see him , went to comfort him , bidding him chear up , for if you dye , says he , Four proper Fellows shall carry you to Church : Ay but , quoth he , I had rather by half go thither my s●lf . 183. A Courtier importu●ing Queen Elizabeth , for a certain place that was vacant , the Queen told him , He was n●t fit for it : An 't please your Majes●y , says he , I can get one to Officiate fo● me : Very likely , says the Queen and I can put in one of my Maids , that can do so too . 184. A Tutor in Oxford , reading a Lecture to his Scholars about the Virtues in moral Philosophy , gave them this general Rule to know Virtue from Vices , The Virtues consisted in the Middle , but Vices were Extreams . The next day he bid his Scholars give an Example of the fore-going Rule ; so one of them , being a sharp Lad , instanc'd in Virginity . Why Sirrah , says the Tutor , who told you that Virginity was a Virtue ? You did , that Sir , replied the Lad , for you told us , that all Virtues consisted in the Middle , and so does Virginity . 185. Says a Tall Man , going along with a little Man , The People won't gaze so much at a Pigmy , because I 'm in your Company . Yes , says the little Man , they will gaze ●he more upon me , to see me have an Ass ●n my Company , and not Ride . 186. A Lawyer meeting a Country Fel●ow driving his Cart , ask'd him mer●ily , why his Fore-Horse was so Fat , ●nd the other so Lean ? Why , says the ●ellow , my Fore-Horse is a Lawyer , ●nd the rest are his Clients ; for which ●itty answer , the Lawyer gave him Shilling to Drink . 187. A Country-man coming up to London , having never been there before , star'd into a Scriv'ners Shop ; the Scriv'ner standing at a Door , ask'd him what he wou'd buy ? What do you sell , says the Country-man ? Why Logger-heads , says the Scrivner , will you buy one ? Yes , says he , but I see you have such a good Trade , that you have no choice , having but one left in your Shop . 188. One said ; That no Man had a greater confidence in their Country , than Thieves , for they put themselves upon it , though they are Hanged for their pains . 189. One told his Wife , that there was a Law making , That all Cuckolds should be drown'd : O pray , my Dear Husband , says she , then learn to Swim . 190. A Blunt Rustical Fellow , having been netled with a Jest that one put upon him , resolv'd one way or other to be even with him ; therefore having a good Cane in his Hand , he laid him over the Pate with it saying , Every Man has his Talent ; you can break Iests , and I can break Heads . 191. Some Thieves coming to Rob a Gentlemans House before he was asleep , he call'd out of the Window , and bid them stay but one hour , and by that time he should be a sleep ; which frighted them so , that they ran away faster than they came thither . 192. A Gentleman having his Pocket pickt whilst he was at Prayers at Church , complain'd to his Friend of it ; why says his Friend , If you had Watch'd as well as Pray'd , you would not have lost your Money . 193. A Constable taking a pretty Wench late at Night , brought her before a Justice , who seeing her handsome and gentilely Dreft , was very favourable to her , winking at her fault in being out so late , and bid the Constable take her home to his House that Night . Yes , that I will with all my heart , says the Constable , if your Worship will be pleas'd to commit my Wife till the Morning . 194. Two young Oxford Scholars agreeing together to go into an Adjacent Warren to steal some Rabbets ; one being to watch , and not to speak one word , and the other to catch them : So they being come to the place , he that watch'd , cried out , Ecce Cuniculi multi ; which noise frighted all the Rabbets into their Burrows ; whereupon the other was very angry with him ; Why , says he , who thought the Rabbets had understood Latin ? 195. A Lady receiving a Letter from a Foppish Gentleman , taken verbatim out of Cassander , which he had read , she sent it him back again , bidding the Messenger tell him , That he was mistaken , for though the Letter was directed to her , it was written to Madam Roxana . 196. A Gentleman borrowed five Pounds of his Friend , and lost it at Play ; thereupon he sent to borrow five Pounds more , by the Token that he ow'd him five Pounds already : Pray , said his Friend , bid your Master send me the Token , and I 'll send him the five Pounds . 197. A Wench that was got with Child , sent her Friend to the Father of it , to tell him that she was quick ; he replied , If she be quick , I 'll be as nimble , and so run away . 198. One seeing Doctor Mathew● , that was a very Learned man , but little of Stature , pass by , said , There goes minimus Apostolorum ; which the Doctor hearing , merrily replied , That Mathew was Maximus Evangelistarum . 199. A Gentleman standing in a brown Study , a Lady ask●d him , What he was thinking of ? He said Of nothing : What do you think on , says the Lady , when you think on nothing ? Faith , says he , Then I think on you , and the inconstancy of your Sex. 200. The Lord Bacon going the Northern Circuit , a Fellow that was try'd for Robbing , was very importunate with the Judge to be favourable to him , telling him that he was a kin to his Lordship : Why how so , said the the Judge ? Why , answer'd the Fellow , An 't please your Lordship , your Name is Bacon , and my Name is Hog , and those two are alike . 'T is true , said the Judge ; but you and I can't be Kindred till you are Hang'd , for Hog is never good Bacon till 't is Hang'd . 201. King Iames Riding a Hunting in Essex comes to a Gate which he must go through , and seeing a Countrey-Clown at it , he says to him , Prethee good Pellow open the Gate ? But he knowing who it was , answered , No , an 't please your Grace , I am not worthy to be in that Office ; but I 'll run and fetch Mr. Johnson , who is a Iustice of Peace , and lives a Mile off , and he shall open it for your Grace ; and so he run away as fast as he could , and left the King to open it himself . 202. When the Turks were Besieging Vienna , a Gentleman being to be sent to the Grand-Vizier , upon some important Affair , desir'd to be excus'd ; for , says he , I 'm affraid , because he is so faithless and treacherous , that he 'll take my Head off : If he does , says the Governour , I 'll take a Thousand of his Mens Heads off . I , Sir , replied the Gentleman , but I question whether any of them will fit my shoulders . 203. A young Lad being chid by his Uncle , for lying a Bed so long in a Morning , telling him that such a one had found a Purse of Money by rising early in the Morning ; I , says the Lad smartly , but he rose too early that lost it . 204. A merry Gentleman , in the beginning of the late Civil Wars , being ask'd , if he should dye , how he would be buried ? Answered , With his Face downwards s For , says he , in a little time England will be turn'd up side down , and then I shall lie right . 205. A man being brought before the Duke of Millan , for falling down from a House ( which he was Tiling ) upon a poor man that was going by , and bruising him very much : Look you Friend , says the Duke to the man that was hurt , I 'm for the Law of Retaliation ; You shall go up to the top of the House where he was , and he shall go along just where you did ; and so you shall fall upon him , and bruise him as much as he did you : Which unexpected piece of Justice , put an end to the mans Prosecution . 206. A Farmers Daughter in the Countrey bringing up her Fathers Cows near the House to be Milk'd , they all run away from her down a dirty Lane ; upon which the Girl cry'd out , O , Mothe , the Cows are ru● down the Lane to the Devil ; shall I go after them ? No , Child , says the Mother , let your Father go , for he has high Shoon . 207. A Tallow-Chandler having some Candles stole , complain'd to his Friend : O , says he , be patient , for I 'm confident in a short Time they 'll all come to light . 208. An Oxford Scholar coming up to London , went into a House of Iniquity in Covent-Garden , which had the Flower-de-Luce to its Sign , where he got a Clap : whereupon he writ these Verses over the door at his going away : All you that hither chance to come , Mark well e'er you go in ; For Frenchmens Arms are Signs without , And Frenchmens Harms within . 209. One asking a Painter how he cou'd draw such curious Pictures , and yet get such ugly Children ? He answer'd , Because he drew the Pictures in the day , but got his Children in the night . 210. Another asking why men sooner gave to Poor People than to Scholars ? was answer'd , Because they think they may sooner come to be Poor , than Scholars . 211. A Player Riding along Fleetstreet in great haste , a Gentleman of the Temple stop'd him , and ask'd what Play was to be acted that night ? The Player was not a little vex'd at him , for hindering him on such a slight occasion ; however recovering himself , he told him he might see that on every Post : I beg your Pardon , said the Gentleman , indeed I took you for a Post , you rid so fast . 211. Two Gentlemen being drinking together , one of them prest the other to drink more then he could well bear , and therefore he refus'd it , desiring to be excus'd ; but the other being pretty well dipt , swore he shou'd take ● other Glass , or else he 'd run him th●o ' . No , says he , you shan't , I 'll save you that labour , for I 'll run my self through , and Pledge you afterwards ; saying so , he run through the door down stairs , and left the Spark to pay the Reckoning . 213. Sir Thomas Moor being surveying of St. Paul's Church , as he was walking on the Leads of it , there happened to be a Madman there , who seeing some Jack daws flying about the Church , catch'd up Sir Thomas ( being a little man ) in his Arms , saying , Now Sir , we will fly down as those Birds do ; and so was going to throw him over ; but he cryed out to him , saying , Hold Friend , let us go down , and fly up to them , which stopt the Madmans hand . 214. A Woman coming to a Parson , desir'd him to preach a Funeral Sermon on her Son that was lately dead ; the Parson promised her to do it ; but she desiring to know the Price of his Sermon , he told her it was Twenty Shillings : Twenty Shillings ! says she ; An Ass spoke for and Angel , and won't you speak under Twenty Shillings ? The Parson being a little netled at her , told her she was better fed than taught : Sir , says she , 't is very true ; for my Husband feeds me , and You teach me . 215. A Countrey Gentleman riding along Cheap-side , his Horse stumbled and threw him in the Dirt ; so he got a fellow to hold him , and went into the next Shop , the Mistress of which being a pleasant Woman , smiling , ( seeing he had no hurt ) asked him if his Horse used to serve him so ? Yes Madam , says he , When he comes just again●● a Cuckold's door . Then in truth , replied she ingeniously , You are like to have twenty falls , before you get to the Exchange . 216. A Gentleman riding to Epsom , overtook a handsome Countrey Wench jogging along easily upon a poor dull Mare ; the Gentleman being merrily disposed , asked her how she did ? and told her , if she pleased he 'd occupy her . O Sir , says she , what good will that do me ? Why , says he , 't will make you brave and brisk ; Pray then Sir , says she , Occupy my Mare , for she 's very dull . 217. An Elder Brother told his younger Brother , that that White Camlet Cloak he had on , became him extra-ordinary well : Faith Brother , says he , but a black mourning Cloak for you , would become me a great deal better . 218. A Great Sweater ▪ being subpoena'd to give his Oath upon a Trial ▪ they brought him a Book to swear on : Faith , says he to the Clark , You may save your self that Labour , for there is no Oath but I can Swear it without Book . 219. A Scolding Woman used to abuse her Husband , who was pretty softly , and call him Cuckold twenty times a day , which a silly Fellow hearing , said , He wondred the Husband was such a fool to let his Wife know that he was a Cuckold . 220. A Drunken Countrey Fellow whose name was Will Iohnson , driving his Cart between Cambridge and S●urbridg , fell fast asleep in it ; and in the mean time his two Horses were stole out of it : he awaking said , Either I am Will. Johnson , or I am not Will. Johnson : If I am Will : Johnson , then I have lost my two Horses : if I am not Will. Johnson , then I have found a Cart. 221. A Gentleman discoursing of his Travels , was interrupted by a Lady in the Company , that said she had travell'd further then he : Say you so , Madam ; says the Gentleman , Then We as Travellers , may lye together with Authority . 222. One that had been married but a Week , call'd her Husband Cuckold : which her Mother hearing , reproved her ? You stut , says she , do you call your Husband Cuckold already ? And I have been married this twenty years to your Father , and never durst tell him of it yet . 223. A Countrey Man going along Limestrest , saw a Rope with a handle to it hand out of the Door ; now he not knowing what was the meaning of it , went and played with it ; and pulling it a little hard , the Merchant being in the Compting ▪ house , came out to the door , and asked the Countryman what he would have ? He answered , nothing but he pull'd the string , and the Bell rang : the Merchant seeing him so simple , asked him what Country-man he was ? I am an Essex man , an 't please you , says he : Ay , says the Merchant , I have heard that in Essex a man can't beat the hedg , but out comes a Calf ? True , says he , and I see that in London a man can't ring a Bell , but out comes a Cuckold . 224. A Drunken debauched Dyer , complaining to his Friend that was a sober man , that whatsoever he took in hand to dye , came to some mischance or other : O , says his Friend , The way to succeed in your Business , is to amend your Life ; for a man that does not live well , can never dye w●●● . 225. A Fidler boasting what a chaste Wife he had : says a Gentleman , I 'll lay my House against thy Fiddle , that if I have opportunity , I 'll get her consent to lie with her : the Wager was laid , and he had the Fidlers consent to try ; but the Fidler went in the mean time , and sung this Song under the Window : Hold out , my Dear , hold o●t ; Hold out , but these two hours : If you hold out , there is no doubt But the House , and all is ours . To which his Wise answered : I Faith sweet William I cannot , He has caught me about the Middle : He hath me Won , thou art undon , Sweet William thou 'st lost thy Fiddle . 226. A Facetious Gentleman discoursing with a Witty Lady , who was speaking of the Weakness of her Sex , and the vast advantage that men had above them : Hold , Madam , said he ; I beg your Pardon , if I dissent from you in this commonl●-received-point ; for it is no difficult thing to prove that your Sex is now a days stronger than ours ; for Sampson , the strongest Man , carried only the Gates of the City upon his Shoulders ; but now every little Lady of your Sex carries a Tower upon her Fore-head . To which she wittily and briskly replied , Certainly , Sir , you have a very strong Head , to carry so many Windmils up and down in it . 227. One that had weak Eyes , being jear'd by a man that had clear Eyes ; he told him , They were not so di● , but he could see a Fool : It may be so , says the other , but you must look in a Glass then . 227. A Schoolmaster examining his Boys , and asking them several Rules for Pea●sing , espied one to have a dirty face & hands , and asked him by what Rule it was that he was dirty ; the Boy readily answered , By de me Lavo Lavi . 228. One telling his Friend that he saw a Man and his Wife Fighting : Why did not you part 'em , says he ? Part ' em ! says the Gen●leman , I have been better bred , then to part Man and Wife . 229. Some Gentlemen coming into a Tavern , whose Sign was the Moon , ( where for a Fancy they sold nothing but Claret , for which they were very noted , and had great Custom ) called for a Bottle of Sack : whereupon the Drawer told him they had none : At which , they not a little admiring ; as not knowing the Humour , asked the Drawer the reason , who told them , The Man in the Moon drinks Claret . The Fancy of which pleased them so , that they said they were resolved ●o be sociable ; and so called for each Man his Bottle , to drink their Brothers Health in the Moon . 230. One being asked what he was that had a fine Wit in Jest ? Answered , a Fool in Earnest . 231. One gave a Fellow a Box o●th ' Far , upon which the Fellow whom he strook gave him another : What do you mean , said he that gave the first Box ? I did not lend you a Box , I freely gav● it you : No matter , says the other , I am a Gamester , and am always used to pay the Box. 232. Says a Gentleman to his Friend , methinks a Player , has the idlest Employment of any : No , replyed he , you are mistaken , for he is always in Action . 233. A Gentleman was used to say of a Drunkard , That it signified not much what he said in his Cups ; for he seldom spake any thing that he could stand to , tho he made by Indentures . 234. One seeing a Book that was but one sheet of Paper , said , A Man need not libel it , for it did Pennance in a sheet already . 235. One Tom. Love , University Capper in Cambridge , ringing in one of the Belfreys , the Clapper of the Bell fell upon his Head , and almost killed him . An arch young Student seeing his Mischance , and thinking the Wound Mortal , writ over against the place where he sell , these following Verses . Here lies Tom Love , the Vniversity Capper ; That liv'd by the Bell , and dy'd by the Clapper . But Tom. Love recovering , and seeing these Verses , under-writ thus : Tom. Love's alive , and lives in hope To live by the Bell , when thou dy'st by the Rope . 236. Cambden , ●n the 25th . Page of his Remains , tells you of a Fryer , who Preaching in the Countrey , espied a poor Woman , whispering to one that sat in the same Pew with her , at which the Fryer being enrag'd , call'd to her aloud , saying , Hold thy Peace Babble I bid thee , thou Wife in the Red Hood ; whereat the Woman angry , started up and cried to him again that all the Church rang of her ; Marry Sir , I ●eshrew his Heart that bableth most of us two ; for I do but whisper a word with my Neighbour here , and thou hast babled there a good large hour . Witty and Grave SAYINGS . 1. SOldiers in Peace , are like Chimneys in Summer . 2. Painters are cunning Fellows , for they have a Colour for whatever they do . 3. Coblers may be said to be good men because they set men upright , and are always mending Soles . 4. A Prison is a good Instrument of Reformation , for it makes many Lewd Fellows staid men . 5. Physicians , of all men , have the be●● on 't ; for if they do well , the World proclaims it ; if ill , the Earth covers it . 6. Carpenters are civil and honest Fellows , for they do all their business by Rule . 7. Vertue is easier than Vice ; for the Essential difference between Vice and Virtue is Truth and Falshood ; and it is easier and less pains to tell Truth than a Lye ; and for Vices of the Senses , Custom is all in all ; for to one that has lived honestly , it is as much shame to commit Sin , as for another to abstain . 8. At a certain Marriage , One let fall this Silver Saying , That Parents might forbid their Children an unfit M●●ch , but may not force their Consent to a fit one . 9. Aristippus being accus'd by a Strumpet for having got her with Child , answered , Thou may'st as well , going through a Thorn-Hedge , tell certainly which Thorn prick'd thee . 10. The Merits of a deserving Lady are enough to serve her for a Protection , amongst the Savage Indians ; whilst their Rudeness and Barbarity knows not so perfectly to hate all Virtues , as some mens Subtilty does . 11. Carry a Watchful Eye , upon Dangers till they come to ripeness ; & when they are ripe , let loose ● speedy hand : He that Expects them too long , meets 'em too soon , and gives advantage to the Evil. Commit their beginnings to Argus's Eyes , and their End to Bri●●●●'s hands , and thou art safe . 12 , Fortune has no Power over Wisdom , but of Sensuality , and of Lives that Swim and Navigate without the Loadstone of Discretion & Judgment . 13. Aristarchus Scoffingly said , That in old times hardly cou'd be found seven Wise Men throughout the World : But i● our Days , says he , much ado there is to find so ●any Fools . 14. Antisthenes being ask'd by one , What Learning was most necessary for Mans Life ? Answer'd , To Vnlearn that which is Naught . 15. Diogenes being ask'd in a kind of scorn , What was the Reason that Philosophers haunted Rich Men , and not Rich Men Philosophers ? Answerd , Because the former knew what they wanted , the latter did not . 16. When it was said to Anaxagoras , The Athenians have condemn'd you to dye ; he said again , And Nature them . 17. When Croesus for his Glory shew'd Solon his great Treasures of Gold , Solon said to him , If another comes that has better Iron than you , he will be Master of all this Gold. 18. Chilon us'd to say , That Gold was try'd with a Touchstone , and Men with Gold. 19. Solon compar'd the People unto the Sea , and the Orators and Counsellors unto the Wind ; for that the Sea would be calm and quiet if the Wind did not trouble it . 20. An Arch Blade us'd to say , That of all Trades the Midwives was the most commendable : For , says he , they live not by the hurts of other men , as Chyrurgions do ; nor by the falling out of Friends , as Lawyers do ; but by the Agreement betwixt Party and Party . Notable BULLS , 1. A Young Countrey Squire riding very hard , his Horse grew very Sick upon it : he complaining to hi● Friend ; says he , I rid my Horse har● and he 's sick ; and I fear he 'll never 〈◊〉 his own Man again . 2. Another being ask'd whether 〈◊〉 Friend Tom , that was lately dead , h●● left him any Legacy ? No Faith , says 〈◊〉 Not a Tester to drink his Health . 3. One ask'd a Fellow if he would into the Water with him : No , fa● he , I 'll never go into the Water till I have learnt to Swim . 4. Some Gentlemen being at Dinner in a Tavern , one of them that was a little nicer than the rest , seeing the Salt look a little dirtily , called to the Drawer , to bring up some fresh Salt. 5. Some Gentlemen being at Dinner together , were diverting themselves with Jests and Bulls : One among ●hem more curious than the rest , de●ired an Oxford Scholar in the Company , to give him the definition of a Bull ; who ingeniously told him , That a Bull was an Ox gelt . 6. A Blind Minister coming to speak with a Gentleman , the Gentleman●s man came running to him , and told ●im , That the blind Minister was come ●o see him . 7. A Young Scholar was very much troubled , and did not like his Dictionary , Praying his Father to get it chang'd , because , He could not find what was Latin for Aqua-vitae in it . 8. A Country Justice examining a poor thieving Schollar , said , Sirrrah , you are an Arch Rogue , but take warning , for if you are once hang'd , your Book can't save you from the Gallows . 9. One being advis'd to go to Sea , No says he , I had rather travel all th● World over by Land. 10. A certain King being sick , on●● pray'd , That he might Reign as long a● the Sun and Moon should endure , an● the Prince his Son , after him . 11. One finding his Friend abed at Ten a Clock in the Morning , asked him why he lay so long ? Why Faith , says he , I came home late last night : Why , how late was it , says his Friend ? Late ! says he , 't was three a Clock in the morning . 12. An Ignorant Fellow complaining of the Folly of the Age , said , That men were far wiser in future times then now . 13. One boasting of his Credit , said , He knew a Scrivener that would lend him Fifty Pounds at any time , on his own Bond , without either Scrip or Scrowl . 14. One going over in the Ferry-Boat from Richmond to Twitnam , the Ferry-mans Wife Officiating , admiring said , He never saw a Woman Ferry-man before . 15. Two Persons going along Cheapside , a Dumb-man accidentally meeting 'em , jostled against one of them ; whereupon he held up his Stick to strike him ; but the Dumb-man making some sign , which the Person that was with him perceiving , stop●d his Friends blow , asking him why he would strike a Dumb-man ? Is he Dumb , says the other ? Why did he not tell me so . 16. One seapking to a Gentleman of the unkindness of his supposed Friend , said , in a Passion , That he had no sooner t●rn'd his Back , but the Rascoal abused him before his Face . 17. A Countrey Fellow passing by the Exchange , saw the Picture of a Unicorn hang up ; says he to one that stood by , I have seen several Pictures of these Beasts with one Horn only ; pray are not there some Vnicorns with two Horns ? 18. One asking a certain Person how his Friend came off at the Sessions-House ? he told him he was to be Burnt in the Hand ; Pish , says the other , that 's a small matter ; for , for a little Fee , the 'll Burn him in the Hand with a cold Iron . 19. A Sea-Captain was invited to a Hunting-Match , who when he came home related what sport he had , after this manner : Our Horses , says he , being well Rigg'd , we man'd them ; and the Wind being at West-South-West Fifteen of us in Company ) away we stood over the Downs ; in the time of half a Watch , we spied a Hare udner full Gale , we Tackt and stood after her , coming up close , she Tackt , and we Tackt , upon which Tack I had like to run aground ; but getting clear off , I stood after her again , but as the Devil would have it , just as I was going to lay her aboard , bearing too much Wind , I and my Horse over-set , and came Heel upward . 20. A silly old Fellow meeting his God-son , ask'd whether he was going ? To School , said the Boy : That 's well , said he , there 's a Penny for you ; Be a good Boy , and mind your Book , and I hope I shall live to hear the Preach my Funeral-Sermon . 21. A foolish young Esquire , being newly come to his Estate ( taking after the old Miser his Father , grew covetous . ) He hearing his Steward say , he had killed him a Bullock against Christmas . What , said he ; do you mean to undo me by such extravagant Expences ? I will have but half a one kil●ed at a time . 22. A Parson who had not much Wit to spare , seeing his Son play roguish Tricks , Why Sarrah , said he , did you ever see me do so , when I was a Boy , as you are . 23. A Precise Fellow hearing much Swearing in a Bowling-Green , said , For shame Gentlemen forbear , it is Gods great mercy the Bowling-Green doth not fall on your Heads . 24. One sitting at Supper , his Cat pa●t to and fro through his Arms , brushing her Tail against his Mouth , which made him so angry , that he cut off the tip of her Tail , saying , I think now , Mistress Puss , I have given you an Ear-mark : For a little time the Cat staid away , but the next day came again , according to her usal manner ; whereupon in a rage , said he , Why , how now , you troublesome Bitch ? Are you come again ? I thought I had given you your Break-fast last night . 25. A Gentleman hiring some Labourers to pull down his old Wall , that he might build a new one ; as they were doing it , cry'd out to them to have a care , least the Foundation should tumble on their Heads . 26. When Guiennys were first Coyn'd , they were a great rarity in the Countrey : A young Fop coming from London , more Gallant than Wise , seeing the People so earnest to see them , Alas , said he , throwing down two or three of them on the Table , These are so common in London , that you cannot receive Forty Shillings , but you must take five or six of them whether you will or no. 27. One going by Water , said to another in the Boat that had affronted him , Speak another word , and I 'll knock your Head and the Wall together . 28. One that was Born in the Parish of St. Gile's Cripplegate , said When I dye , I 'll be Buried in Cripple - Church-Yard , an 't please GOD I live . 29. The same Person affirming there was two sorts of Fishes allow'd to be cry'd on a Sunday ; being ask'd what Fishes they were , answer'd , Milk and Mackarel . 30. One saying , That the Fenny-Countreys were very unhealthy ; I am of your mind , said another , for I liv'd there once , and I believe if I have liv'd there till this thime , I had dy'd seven Years ago . Thirteen Ingenious Characters . Drawn to the Life . I. Of a CHARACTER . IT gives you the hint of Discourse , but Discourses not ; and is that in Mass and Ingo● , which you may Coyn and Wyer-draw into infinite ; ' is more Seneca than Cicero , and speaks rather the Language of Oracles than Orators : Every Lin●'s a Sentence , and every two a Period . It says not all , but all it says is good ; and like an Air in Musick , is either full of Closes , or still driving towards a Close : 'T is no long winded Exercise of Spirit , but a forcible one , and therefore soonest out of Breath ; 't is all matter , and to the matter ; and has nothing of Superfluity , nothing of . Circumlocution . So little comporting with Mediocrity , as it extols to Heaven , or depresses unto Hell ; having no mid place for Purgatorv left . 'T is that in every sort of Writing delighteth most ; and though the Treatise be Gold , it is the Jewel still , which the Author of Characters , like your Lapidary , produces single , whilst others , Goldsmith like , inchase them in their Works . 'T is a Portraiture not only of the Body , but the Soul and Mind : Whence it not only delights , but teaches and moves withal , and is a Sermon as well as Picture to every one . In fine , 't is a short Voyage ; the Writer holds out with equal force , still coming fresh unto his Journeys end , whilst in long ones they commonly tire and faulter on their way : And to the Reader 't is a Garden , not a Journey ; or a Feast , where , by reason of the Subjects variety , he is never cloy'd ; but at each Character , as at a new Service , falls too with fresh Appetite . II. Of an Importunate Dun. AN Importunate Dun , is the Quintessence of Vexation ; a Single Plague , worse then all Egypts Ten ; a kind of Substantial Ghost , perpet●ally haunting a Man , and sucking him as eagerly as an Hobg●blin does a Witch ; an Horse-leech that always cries , Give , give ; or rather a Cuckow , that has never but one Note , Pay , Pay , Pay ; Money , Money , Money : A tr●ublesome Devil , not to be laid with Holy Water , and only exorcis'd by Silver Crosses , an Evil Spirit , whom no Musick but the sweet Gingling of Coin can charm . Should we enquire his Pedigree , he seems one of Nimrod's Bastards , for he is a Tyrant by Nature , and a mighty Hunter by Profession . A Blood-Hound of a notable Quick Scent to discover his Game , and a deep Mouth tu pursue it ; he takes upon him a Prerogative to get , where even Kings themselves must lose their Rights ; Nay , presumes to Ape Creation , by attempting to squeez something out of nothing , and raise a World of Cash , from the bar●en Womb of meer Vacuities . He would make an excellent States-man , for ●he has the best inte●ligence in the World , and will find out a lurking Acquaintance in a City crowd , or Countre● corner , sooner then a purblind Astrologer , or a limping Hue and Crye ; Yet nothing lights him to you sooner , or more exasperates him against you , then a new Suit , a good Dinner , or a merry Glas● ; for he holds it for a Maxim , That whoever owes him any thing , ought to be in Arrear likewise both to back and belly . If the Debtor live so remote , that he cannot convenie●tly wait on him every other day , he makes him pay Interest ( even to Extortion ) at the Post Office ; for he is sure of more Letters than a handsome Girle of Sixteen , that has a great Fortune at her own Dispose ; his Stile in these Familiar Epistles , is extr●amly Civil in the Front , but close and pressing in the Rear — He would rather lose his small concern , than put you to the least ●nconvenience — But must needs have hi● Money next return , or else shall be forced to turn over the Debt , or take his Course , Yet he attributes your Non-payment to your unmindfulness , and desires you not to take this one more Item unkindly ; He talks much in the Language of Bacon's Brazen-Head , Time's past : and ( as if you were a second Ioshua ) blames you for not keeping the day ; he Pretends extraordinary kindness for you , but hates all Protections so much , that he dares not say at the end of his Letter , He commits you to that of Heaven ; but always hoping to hear from you speedily , and with Effect , rests , Your humble Servant . At this rate ( as the Weapon-s●lve● heales ) he wounds at a dista●ce ; but if you are come-at able , ( as he calls it ) he will rack the very Soul of you ; for he attends you as duly as your Shadow , and proves as constant a Tormentor as a Guilty Con●cience to a Murderer : You can neither eat , n●r drink , nor sl●ep nor walk in quiet for him . Indeed the Tenter-Hooks he pu●s a Man upon , are enough to stretch the tenderest Conscience , and warp the best Nature in the World ; for when he will not be satisfied with Truth , you are forced to tell him what is not so , to g●t rid of him ; afterwards by incessant Importunities , he provokes you to swear at him ; and at last , by degrees , hardens you into a Resolution , never to pay him . Thus we may call him the Devils Usher , that temp●s people from Lying to Swearing , from that to Dishonestly , and so Improves them from Form to Form , in the School of wickedness , till they are sitted for the Academy of Hell. Etymologists think he is called a Dunn , by Antip●rasis , because he will never ●ave d●ne bawling ; or ( as others write ) takes the Appellation from a quondam famous Officer or Justice of that name , with whose Nat●re he simpathizes , and worries a poor Man with as little Remorse , as that New gate Squire could a Traytor . His Faith is enough to make one turn I●fidel , for he u●es none so bad as those he Trusts : Nor can he be counted a Christian , since his Charity both begins and ends at home . And if ever he says his Prayers , he skips over that Petition , Forgive us our Debts , as we forgive our D●btors , in the Pater N●ster , as s●ily as a Phanatick does the Article of Believing in the Catholick Church , in the Creed . He is commonly early up , and never the near ; for he wakes a man in a morning , before the Lark is up to ch●u●t her M●ttins , and a Guard of Switzers cannot keep him out of ones Chamber : Alledging Business , Physick , Sleep or Sickness , cannot divert his Persecutions : And 't is happy for him that doors can't maintain Act●ons of Asault and Battery . He beats up your Quarters so often , that they quickly learn to deny you at home : but if he chance to find you at any of your Haunts , he makes you believe ' ●was by the meerest Acciden● , though he have wai●ed eight and forty hours on purpose . However , he it heartily glad to see you , ( that 's the only Tru●h you sha●l have of him ) and shaking you by the hand , he asks you , — What News ? But before you can answer , out comes the little Money between us . Then , Lord bless him ! Times are so hard , and Money was never so scarce since Adam wore Fig leaved Breeches ! His Creditors are so u●gent , they won't be put off , but he must forthwith make up a Sum , and therefore if you cannot help him to all , spare him but a little , for five pound now will do him as much good , as fifty another time : Nay , 't will be as great a favour , as if vo● gave it him out of your Purse , &c. With this rally of Rhetorick , the b●u●hing Debtor is Non-pl●st , and Promises as many Impossibilities , as a Quack Doctor , or a trembling Cully , under the Terrors of a ●ully Rampant , only silently wishes , he had a handful of Guinnies to beat out his Brains with : for he is as much afraid of him , as a sawcy Pre●tice of meeting a Gentleman at White-Hall , whom he hath affronted in the City : This makes him shun the place where he lives , as bad as a Pest-House : And ( if we may credit an experienced Author ) when he is to pass from Algate to Covent-Garden , and the low ebb in his Pocket will not suffer him to go by Water , he must first trot down to Tower hill , thence strike up to Norton-Falgate , then down again to Queen-hive , thence up to Charter house-yard , from thence to S●lisbury Court , and so to Red-Lyon Fields , before he can reach Drury-Lane in Safety ; and yet for all this caution , his head stands awry , with continual looking about . Yet take them both together , they are two of the greatest Hypocrites in Nature ; for though behind one anothers backs they rail each at other , as bad as a Weaver against a Frenchman , yet when they m●et , they are so glad to see one another ! And truly , I have ever found you very Civil to me , says one , and I can't in the least question your Honesly , says the other ; when the short of it is , 't is forty to one , but one of them will prove a rank Knave : T●e Creditor , if ever he be paid ; or t●e Debtor , if he never pay . III. Of a Serjeant , or Baylif , and his Setting-Cur . THe first , is a kind of Excrescence of the Law , like our Nails , made only to Scratch and Claw ; A sort of Bird-●ime , where he lays hold , he hangs ; a Raven that picks not out mens Eyes , as others do , but all his spight is at their Shoulders ; and you had better have the Night-Mare ride you , then this Incubus . He is one of Deucalion's By-blows , begotten of a Stone , and has taken an Oath never to pitty Widdow nor Orphan . His first business is to bait you for money for his ( confounded ) civility ; next to call for Drink as fast as men for Buckets of Water in a Conflagration ; After which , becoming grave and serious , he advises you in revenge to Arrest the Plantiff , and offers to do it ; with or without cause ; 't is all one to him , if he perceive you have money . His Follower is an Hanger that he wears by his side ; a false Dye of the small Ball , but not the same Cut , for it runs somewhat higher , inflames the Reckoning , and so does more michief . He 's a Tumbler that drives in all the Coneys ; but is yet but a bungler , and knows not how to Cut up a man without Tearing , unless by a pattern . This is the Hook that hangs under water to choak the Fish , and his Officer the Quill above , which pops down as soon as ever the Bait is swallowed . Though differing in degree , they are both much of a complexion , only the Teeth of this latter are more sharp , and he more hungary , because he does but snap , and hath not his full half share of the booty . A main part of his Office is to swear and bluster at their trembling Prisoners , and cry , Confound us ! Why do we wait ? Let 's Shop him : Whilst the other replies , Iack be patient , 't is a civil Gentleman , and I know will consider us : Which spies of wheedling in Terms of their Art , is called ; Sweeten and Pinch . The Eyes of these Wolves are as quick in their Heads , as a Cut-purses in a Throng ; and as nimble are they at their business , as an Hang-man at an Execution . They 'll court a broken-Pate , to heal it with a Plaister of Green-Wax , and suck more Silver out of a Wound , than a Chyrurgeon . Yet as these Eels are generally bred out of the mud of a Bankrupt , so they commonly dye with their Gut ript up , or are decently run through the Lungs ; and as they liv'd hated , die unpitied . We speak here of those only that abuse the intentions of the Law , and act Oppression under the Colour of serving common Justice . IV. Of a Paun-Broker . AN Unconscionable Paun-Broke , ( for there are conscionable Dealears in that way , that are a Relief and Comfort to the Poor , and those are not concern'd in this Character ; ) An unconscionable Paun-broker , I say , is Pluto's Factor , Old Nick's Wareho●se-keeper , an English Jew , that lives and grows fat on Fraud and Oppression , as Toads on filth and venom ; whose Practice outvies Vsury , as much as Incest simple Fornication ; and to call him a Tradesman , must be by the same Figure that Pickpockets stile their Legerdemain an Art and Mystery . His Shop like Hell-Gates , is always open , where he sits at the Receipt of Custom , like Cacas in his Den , ready to devour all that is brought him ; and having gotten your Spoils , hangs them up in Rank and File , as so many Trophies of Victory . Hither all sorts of Garments resort in Pilgrimage , whilst he playing the Pimp , lodges the Taby Petticoat and Russet Breeches together in the same Bed of Lavender . He is the Treasurer of the Thieves Exchequer , the common Fender of all Bulkers and Shop-lifts in the Town . To this purpose he keeps a private Warehouse , and Ships away the Ill-gotten goods by wholesale ; dreading nothing so much , as that a Convict should honestly confess how he dispos'd the Moveables . He is a kind of Disease quite contrary to the Gout ; for as that haunts the Rich , so this mainly torments ●he Poor , and scarce leaves them so much as a primitive Fig leaf to cover their Nakedness . Mistress Ione , when she is minded to see her sweet-heart , and Gam●er Blew-Bottle going to a Christening , muster up the Pence ●'th ' Saturday Night , to redeem their best Rigging out of Captivity ; but on Monday Morning infallibly bring them back ( like Thieves that had only made an escape ) to the old Limbus ; and this so often , till at last they know the way , and can go to Pawn alone by themselves . Thus they are forced to purchase the same Cloaths seven times over ; and for want of a Chest to keep them in at home , it cost thrice as much as they are worth for their Lodging in his Custody . When they come in like other Prisoners , they first pay Garnish , the Two pence for Entrance money ; after this , Six-pence a Month , for every Twenty Shillings lent , ( which yet indeed is but 19 s. 6 d. ) that is ( according to their Reckoning of thirteen Months to the Year ) Six Shillings and Six-pence Interest for one Pound for a Year ; which makes Thirty three Pounds , Six Shillings and Eight-pence in the hundred , viz. One-third part of the Principle , and just 27. l. 6 s. 8 d. more than the Statue allows ; besides Twelve-pence for a Bill of Sale , if the matter be considerable . So that since they never lend half the value on any thing that is brought them ; if a Paun-Broker lay out an Hundred Pounds , he first make● near Forty per Annum Advantage certain , ●as aforesaid : And then considering how many Thieves , &c. ( thei● chiefest Customers that bring th● l●mping Bargains ) never intend t● redeem , and how many Poor are not able ( especially since as soon as the Year a●d Day expire , they presently dispose of their Pawns , or pretend to do so ) we may reasonably conclude , that these Horse-Leeches make Cent per Cent at least of their Money in the Year , And all this by a course tending only to the encouragement of Theives , and Ruine of those that are Honest but Indigent . V. Of a PRISON . A Prison is the Grave of the Living , where they are shut up-from the World and their Friends ! and the Worms that Gnaw upon them , are their own Thoughts and the Jaylor . T is a House of Meagre looks , and ill smells , for Lice , Drink and Tobacco , are the Compound ; Pluto's Court was exprest from this fancy . And the Persons are much about the same Party that is there . You may ask as Manippus in Lucan , which is Nir●us ? which Thersities ? which the Begger ? which the Knight ? For they are all suited in the same form of a kind of Nasty Poverty ; only to be out at Elbows is in fashion here , and t is a great Indecorum not to be Thread-bare . Every Man shews here like so many Wrecks upon the Sea , here the Ribs of a Thousand Pounds , and here the Relick of so many Mannours , is a Doublet without Buttons ; and 't is a spectacle of more pity then Executions are . The Company one with another is but a vying of complaints , and the causes they have to rail on Fortune , and fool themselves ; and there is a great deal of good fellowship in this . They are commonly , next their Creditors , most bitter against the Lawyers , as men that have had a great stroke in assigning them thither . Mirth here is stupidity or hard heartedness , yet they feign it sometimes , to shun Melancholy , and keep off themselves from themselves , and the torment of thinking what they have been . Men huddle up their life here as a thing of no use , and wear it out like an old Suit , the faster the better ; and he that deceives the Time best , best spends it . It is the place where new commers are most welcomed , and next them ill News , as that which extends their Fellowship in Misery , and leaves few to insult ; and they breathe their discontents more securely here , and have their Tongues a● more liberty than their Bodies . Men see here much Sin and Calamity , and when the la●t does not mortifie , the other hardens ; and those that are wicked here , are desperately wicked , as those from whom the horrour of Sin is taken off , and the punishment Familiar . And commonly a hard thought passes on all that come from this School ; Which though it teach much Wisdom , it is too late , and with danger : And it is better to be a Fool , than to come here to learn it . VI. Of a TAVERN . A Tavern is a degree , or ( if you will ) a pair of Stairs above an Ale-house , where men are Drunk with more Credit . If the Vin●ners Nose be at the door , it is a Sign sufficient , but the absence of this is supplied by a Bush : The Rooms are ill breathed , like the Drunkards that have been well washt over Night , and are smelt to fasting next morning , nor furnished with Beds apt to be defiled , but more necessary Implements , Chairs Tables , and a Chamber-pot . It is a broacher of more News then Hogsheads , and more Jests than News ; which are suckt up here by some spungy Brain , and from thence squeezed into a Comedy . Men come here to make merry , but indeed make a Noise , and this Musick above , is answered . with t●e Chat●ing below : The Drawers are the 〈◊〉 ●cople in it : Men of good bringing up ; and howsoever w● esteem o● th●m , none can boast m●re j●●tly of their High Calling . It is t●e b●●t Theatre of Natures , where they are truly act●d , not plaid : and the business , as in the rest of the World , up and down ; that is , from the bottom of the Cellar to the Great Chamber . A Melancholy man would find matter to work upon , to see Heads as bri●●le as Glasses , and as ●ften broken . M●n come hither to qua●rel , and come hither to be made friend● . It is the common Con●u●ption of the Afternoon , and the Murderer or Maker away of a Rainy Day . It is the Torrid Zone that scorches the Face , and T●b●cco the Gun powder that blows it up . A House of Sin you may call it , but not a House of Darkness , for the Cand●es are never out ; and it is like those Cou●●i●s far in the North , where it is as clear at Mid-night as at Mid-day . After a long sitting , it becomes like a street in a dashing shower , where the Spouts are flushing above , and the Conduits ru●ning below : while the Jordans , like swelling Rivers , overflow their Banks . To give the total reckoning of it , 'T is the busie mans Recreation , the Idle mans Business , the Melancholy mans Sanctuary , the Inns a Court-mans Entertainment , the Schollars Kindness , and the Citizens Courtesie . It is the Study of Sparkling Witts , and a Cup of Canary their Book , where we leave them . VII . Of a SCOLD . A Rank Scold is a Devil of the Female Gender ; a Serpent perpe●ually a hissing and spitting of Venom ; a Composition of Ill-nature and Clamour . You may call her animated Gun Powder , a walking Mount - AEtna , that is always belching forth flames of Sulphur . A Burr about the Moon , is not half so certain a presage of a Tempest at S●a , as her Brow is of a Storm on Land. And though Laurel , Hawthorn , and Seal-Skin , are held preservatives against Thunder , Magick has not been able to find out any Amulet so Soveraign as to still her Ragings ; for like Oyl poured on flames , good words do but make her rage the faster ; and when once her-Flag of Defiance , the Tippet , is unfurled , she cares not a straw for Constable nor Ducking-stool . Her Tongue is the Clapper of the Devils Saints-Bell , that rings all-in to Confusion . It runs round like a Wheel , one Spoke after another , and makes more Noise and Jangling , than Countrey-steeples on the Fifth of November . If she be of the preciser cast , she abuses Sacred Language in her Railing , as Conjurers do in their Charms ; calls her Neighbours Heathen ●domites , her Husband Reprobate , or Son of Belial ; and will not Cudgel her Maid without a Text for'● . But now I speak of Husband , methinks I see the Creeping Snail , shivering in an Ague-fir when he comes in her presence . She is worse then Cow-itch in his Bed , and as good as a Chasing-dish at Board ; But has either quite forgot his Name , or else she likes it not ; which makes her Rebaptize him with more noble Titles , as , White-liver'd Raskal , Drunken Sot , Sneaking Nick●●poop , or Pittiful Lowsey Tom Farthing . Thus she worries him out of his Sences at home , and then she ferrets his Haunts abroad worse than a Needy Bawd does a decay'd Bullies . In a word , A virulent Scold is her Neighbours perpetual Disquiet , her Families Evil Genius , her Husbands Ruine , and her own daily Tormentor : And that you may the better know her Pedigree , I 'll give you a serious Account of the Receipt or Method made use of for her Production into the World , lately found in a long-concealed Manuscript of Theophrastus Bombastas Paracelsus ; as follows , viz. Nature to form a Scold , first took of the Tongues and Galls of Bulls , Bears , Wolves , Magpies , Parrots , Cuckows , and Mightingals , of each a like number : The Tongues and Tails of Vipers , Adders , Snakes and Lizards , seven a piece : Aurum Fulminans , Aqua-Fortis , and Gu●-Powder , of each one Pound : The Clappers of Nineteen Bells , and the Pestles of a dozen Apothecaries Mortars . Which being all mixt , she Calcined in Mount Strombello , and dissolv'd the Ashes in a Water distilled just under London-Bridge at three quarters Flood , and Filtrated it through the Leaves of Calapines Dictionary , to render the Operation more verbal . After which , she distilled it again through a Speaking-Trumpet , and closed up the remaining Spirits in the Mouth of a Cannon . Then she opened the Graves of all new-dec●ased Pettifoggers , Mountebanks , Barbers , Coffee News-Mongers , and Fish Wives ; and with the Skins of their Tongues made a Bladder , cover'd o er with Drum-heads , and filled with Storms , Tempests , Whirle winds , Thunders . Lightnings , &c , These for better I●corporation , she set seven years in a Rough-Sea to Ferment , and then mixing them with the rest , rectified the whole three times a day for a Twelve month in a Baln●a of Quicksilver . Lastly , to Irradiate the whole Elixir , and make it more Churlish , she cut a Vein under the Tongue of the Dog-Star , drawing thence a Pound of the most cholerick Blood ; from which Sublimating the Spirits , she mixt them with the Foam of a Mad-Dog ; and then putting all together in the forementioned Bladder , stitcht it up with the Nerves of Socrates's Wife . Out of this notable Preparatory , Dame Nature composed a Shrew . VIII . Of a bad HVSBAND . A Bad Husband , is an inconsiderate piece of Sottish Extravagance . For though he consists of several ill Ingredients , yet still good Fellowship , is the Causa fine qua non , and gives him the Ho go . He is the Wise Mans Scorn , the Shirks Exchequer , and the wheedling Hostesses Honest Man ; the Moth of an Estate , the Shipwrack of a Family , or a mischief Three-story-high ; for he scandalizes his Ancestors , ruines himself , and strangles the hopes of all his Posterity . He throws away his Wealth as heartily as young Heirs , or old Philosophers ; and is so eager of a Goal , or a Mumpers Wallet , that he will not wait Fo●●u●e● leisure to u●doe him , but Rid●s Post to Beggers-Bush ; a●d takes more pains to spend money , ●hen Day-Labourers to g●t it ; whil●t still his word is , Let 's not pinch while we have it , since 't is time enough to w●●t when we have it not . He knows no difference between Prodigality and Liberality , bu● is so foolishly free , that he dries up the Springs of Bounty , by cutting down the Banks , and letting the Streams run at waste . If he pretends to Gentility , he thinks he can no way make good that Title , but by paying ( where ever he come● ) all the whole Reckoning ; and ev●ry Rascal that can bu● cry , My Noble M●●t●r , is Master of his whole Purse ; which sucking Vermine c●ntinu●lly fl●tter about him , as thick as Flies in a Confectioners-shop . If he go to Market , 't is but to purchase a Fox , and two days after returns , having only Truckt away his Corn for Drink , and put off his Cattle to make him a greater Beast . His first business after Marriage , is to pay Ale House Scores with his Wives Portion ; and his next , to pawn her Cloa●hes for supplies of fresh Debauchery . If he be a Citizen , he counts his Shop a Prison , till at last he is Shopped in a Prison indeed . He pretends always extraordinary business abroad , and must needs go to the Exchange : when he has nothing to do there , But change Shillings into Six-pences , and reduce Guinneys into Farthings . He still cries , 't is too soon to go home yet , and will trudge a Mile about , rather than come near his own Door , for fear he should ●e obliged to come in before his hour , which is mid-night , or past : for if he goes home before , he says , He can never sleep well . He is an Hogshead set up upon two stumps fit for nothing but to hold strong Drink : and i● he be not at the Pot , is like a Fish out of Water , that does nothing but Gape . He thinks Nature gave him a Mouth not so much to Speak , as to take off his Liq●or : and his only e●quiry is , Where dw●lls the best Sack and Claret ? He is a passionate Lover of Morning Draugh●s , which he generally co●tinues till Dinner-time : a rigid exact●r of Num-Groats , and Collector-General for Foy ' and Biberidg : He admires the Prudence of that Apothegm , Let 's drink first : and would rather sell 20 per Cent to loss , than make a drie Bargain . You shall infallibly find him and his Tribe about the Fag-end of the day at Randezvouz , like a Constellation fixed in the lower Region of a known Tavern , where their Noses appear like Comets , that evermore portend excessive Draughts : They go in upon Parol not to exceed Three-pence , but seldom come out under a Half Crown Club : and their Noise ( for Discourse you cannot call it ) is more Nonsensical and Impertinent than a She Quakers Sermon , or the Tattle of an Up-sitting . As soon as they are accommodated with a private Room , an half Pint , for so they modestly begin , some clean Pipes , and a Jordan ; their first Argument is the goodness of the Wine , which being voted a Flower , produces next a Bottle ; and then News is the Subject of D●bate , or for want of that , who was most Drunk ●he Night bef●re , or Reeled home with the greatest Gravity and Decorum . Though they live like Publicans yet they im●tate Pharisees in their Exactness of making clean the inside of the Glass : and their strict●st Criticisms are , See it go round , and take it off Sir. In this sweet Society , our trusty Trojan bears his part , till he has not discretion enough left to know at which end to light his Pipe : then staggering away , if he escape the Compter , 't is forty to one , but he meets with some little To●n-Baggage , who picks his Pocket , and in Requital , bestows upon him a swing●ng Clap. In the mean time , the good Woman at home sits lamenting till Twelve at Night , over a piece of mouldy Bread , and a draught of Rot-g●r : and the Children are fain to go to Bed without their Supper , because the vile Milk-woman is grown faithless . At last , when her precious Husband comes with a Breath that stinks with Canary and Tobacco , worse than Hell of Brimstone : he perhaps picks a cause less quarrel , gives her a remembrance with a Bed-staff , that she is forced to wear the N●rthumberland Arms a week after , which the good natur'd Soul must excuse , by pretending an u●lucky Fall , or blaiming an Innocent Door-latch for the I●jury . But put Case he go peaceably to Bed , what comfort can be expected from such a Swine ? IX . Of a TOWN-FOP . THE Town-Fop is one tha● plays Rex whereever he comes , and makes as much hurry as R●bin good-Fellow of old , amongst our Granums Milk-bowls ; he is a kind of a Squib on a Rope , a Meteor composed of Self-conceit and Noise , that by blazing and cracking engages the wonder of the Ignorant , till on a ●●ddain he vanishes and leaves a stench , if not infection behind him ; he is too often the stain of a good Family , and by his Debauched life blots the noble Coat of his Ancestors : A wild un●acked Colt , whose Br●ins are not half codled ; i●deb●ed for his Cloathes to his Taylor , and for his Wit , ( such as it is ) to his Company . The School had no sooner indued him with a few Superficial besprinklings , but his Mothers Indulgence posted him to Town for gente●ler breeding , where three or four wild Companion● , half a dozen bottles of Burgundy , two leaves of Leviathan , a brisk encounter with his Landlords Glass-Windows , the charms of a little Miss , and the sight of a new Play , dub'd him at on●e bo●h a Wi● and a Hero ; ever since he values ●imself mainly for understanding the Town , and indeed knows most thi●gs in it that are not worth knowing : The two Poles wherein all his discourses ●●●n , are Atheism and B●wdry , bar him from being prophane and obscene , and you cramp his Ingenuity , which forthwith flags and becomes useless , as a meere common Lawyer , when he has crossed the Channel . He is so refractory to Divinity , that Morallity it self canno● hold him : He affir●s humane Nature knows no such thing as Principles of good or evil ; and will swear , all Women are Whores , though his Mother and Sister stand by ; whatsoever is Sacred or Serious , he seeks to render ridiculous , and thin●s Government and Religion fit objects for his idle and fantastick Buffoonty : His humour is proud and assuming , as if he would Palliate his ignorance by scoffing at what he understands not ; and therefore with a pert and pragmatick scorn , deprecates all things of nobler mom●nt , but most passionately affects pretty All-a-mode words , and is as covetous of a new Song or Ayr , as an Antiquary of Cato's Statue , with never an Arm and but half a Nose ; these keep him always imployed , and f●ll up the Grotesco't of his Conversation , whilst with a stately Galantry , once in every ●alf hour he combs out his Wig , Careens his Breeches , and new Marshals his Garnit●re , to the Tu●e of , Methinks the poor Town has been troubled too long . His mind used to whistle up and down in the levities of Fancy , and effeminated by the childish Toying of a rampant imagination , finds it self indisposed for all solid imployment , especially the serious exercises of Piety and Vertue , which begets an Aversion to those lovely Beauties , and that prompts him on all occasions to expose them as rediculous and vain : Hence by degrees he comes to abuse Sacred Scripture , makes a mock of Eternal Flames , joques on the venerable mysteries of Religion ; and in fine , scoffs at that All-Glorious and Tremendous Majesty , before whom his Brother Wits below tremble . 'T is true , He will not confess himself Atheist , yet in his heart the Fool hath said it , and boasts aloud , that he holds his Gospel from the Apostle of Malmsbury , though it is more then probable he never read , at least understood , Ten ●eaves of that unlucky Author . Talk of Witches and youtickle him ; speak ●f Spirits , and he tells you he knows ●one better than those of Wine ; name but Immaterial Essence , and he shall ●●out at you as a dull Fop , incapable of Sense , and unfit for Conversation : Nor is he better pleased , then when he c●n here hedge in some Raw Divine , t● Bull-bait with Scurrility , and all kind ●● Prophaneness . By means of some small scraps of Learning , matcht with a far greater stock of Confidence , a voluble Tongu● and a bold Delivery , he has t●e ill luck to be celebrated by the Vulgar , for a man of parts ; which Opinion gains credit to his Insolences , and sets him on farther Extravagancies to maintain his Title of Wit , by continuing his practice of Fooling ; whereas , all his mighty parts are summ'd up in this Inventory ; Imprimi● , A Pedling way of Fancy , a lucky hit at Quibling , now and then an odd Metaphor , a ●●nceited Irony , a ridiculous Simile , a ●●ld Fetch , an unexpected I●ference , a Mimick Gesture , a pleasing Knack in humouring a Tale : And lastly , an irresistable Resolution of speaking last , and never be dasht out of Countenance . By these Arts , dexterously managed , he engrosses a vast Repute ? The grave Citizens call him shrewed man , and n●table Head-piece ; the Ladies ( we 〈◊〉 the things so called of his acqua●●tance ) vote him a most accomplis●t Gentleman , and the Blades swear he is a walking Comedy , the only Mer●● Andrew in the Age , that scatters Wi● where ever he comes , as Beggars do Lice , or Musk-Cats Perfumes ; and 〈◊〉 nothing in Nature can compare w●●h him . You would think he had gotten the ●●●●ian Art , for he speaks Extempore on all Subjects , and ventures his words without the relief of Sence to second them ; his thoughts start from his Imaginatiod , and he never troubles himself to examine their decency , or solidity by Iudgment ; to discourse ●●m seriously , is to read the Ethices to a Monkey , or make an Oration ●o Ca●●●●'s Horse , whence you can only ●●●●ct a Wee hee , or Iadish Spurn ; after 〈◊〉 most convincing Arguments , if he 〈◊〉 but muster up one plausible Joque , 〈◊〉 are routed . For he that under●●ood n●t your Logick , apprehends his Dr●ll ; and though Syllogisms may be an●wered , yet Iests and loud Laughter can never be confuted , but have more swa● to degrade things with the unthin●ing Crowd , then Demonstrations : ●he●● being a Root of envy in too many ●●en , that invites the● to applaud th●● which exposes and villifies what the● cannot comprehend . He pretends great skill in curing the Te●ers and Ring-worms of State , but blows in the sores till they ra●kle with his poysonous Breath ; he shoots Libels with his forked Tongue at his Superiours , and abuses his dearest Friends , ch●sing to forfeit his Neck to the Gibbet , o● his Shoulders to the Battoon , rather t●an lose the driest of his idle Quibbles . In brief , He is the Iack-Pudding of Soci●●y ▪ a Fleering Bussoon ; a better kind of Ape , in the Judgment of all wise 〈◊〉 but an incomparable Wit , in his ow● XI . A Fantastique Lady . HER Life is a perpetual Contradirction , she would , and she would not ; and , Make ready the Coach , yet let it alone too ; Drive to such a place , yet do not neither , is her ordinary Dialect : She differs from the Irresolute , in ●hat he is always beginning , and she ●●ver makes an end : She writes and ●lots out again , whilst he deliberates ●hat to write ; th' one being a Resty , ●nd the other a Restless Pain : So you ●●n tell what to make of t'one's Nega●ive , and how two Negatives make 〈◊〉 Affirmative ; but of her I and No ●o●ether , you know not what to make , 〈◊〉 only that she knows not what to ●●ke of it he self . Her Head is just 〈◊〉 a Mill , or Squirrels Cage , and her ●●nd the Squirrel that turns and ●●irls it round , and her Imagination ●●●●ers from others , as your Grotesque ●●●ures do from Natural ; and from ●●otesque , in that these have some de●ign in them , but her Imagination has none ; she never looking toward the end , but only the beginning of things ; or if she does , forgets or disapproves it strait : For she will ca●●●n haste for one , and have nothing to ●a● to him when he is come ; and long , ●ay dye , for some Toy or Trifle , which having once , she grows weary of presently , and throws away . In fine , who are of one mind to day , and another tomorrow , are constant , to her ; and Saturn's Revolution , compar'd to the Moons : For you know not where to have her a moment , and whosoever would hit her Thoughts , must Shoot flying ; and fly themselves , whoever would follow her . X. Of a Young Enamourist . HE 's one who as soon as he quitted his School-boys Toys , next Toy he gets is a Mistress , when 't would make you forswear Love to see how ridiculous he makes it ; and to hear him talk of Gods and Goddesses , you would take him for some Pagan never converted to Christianity . There is nothing so cold as to hear him talk of Flames , nor so dull as his discourse of Cupids darts ; and to hear him sigh like a dry Pump , or broken-winded Bellows , you would ne're wonder at Lapland Witches affording winds so cheap . Of all Servants he is the necessariest and easiest to content and feed , for he is his Mistresses Squire , Dispencer , Lacquey , or Messenger , but above all , her Fool , to which he is bound by the Proverb ; 'T is impossible to lo●e and be wise : Mean time you may feed him cheaper than a Camelion , for a good look serves him a week at least , and he is prouder of holding his Mistresses Busk or Fan , than a School-boy with a Scepter in his hand , playing the Emperours part i' th' School ; to keep him to which , his Mistress ●ets him know that 't is with Love as 't is with War , which once declared , you are to expect nothing but Hostility ; and knows her self , that 't is with Lovers as it is with Anglers , who feed the Fish e're they are caught ; but caught once , feed on them : whence she bites not greedily at the bait , but craftily tolls him on with hopes , and like a Rope-maker goes backwards still , the better to advance her work , and draw him on ; mean while he follows her so long , till either he wax weary and ceases his pursuit , or catches her tripping , and then falls down on her , when fastning her in the Marriage Nooze , he carries her away , and either turns kind Cuckold , and keeps open house for all ; or jealous Coxcomb , and shuts his door against every One. XII . Of an Honest Drunken Cur. HE 's a Pickl'd Youth to be sure , for he always lyes steep'd in his own Liquor ; of which , like a Whale , he carries so much about him , that w●en-ever he disgorges , he may swim away in his own Flood . Clap but a good Sucker into his Belly , and he makes an excellent Parish Pump : And if you add but a Pipe to his Muzzle , he may pass for a Water-Engine , a●● do good service in time of Fire . Yo● need not fear drawing him dry , so long as all the Alehouses and Taver●s in Town , like little Riv●lets , ●●pply the decrease : He contains about as much as those in Churches ; b●t 〈◊〉 so unchouth a Trough , he 's twice as ●●●d to be Gaug'd : Yet by frequent ex●●rience he can guess his Measure to a 〈◊〉 , especially if you expcept Leakage . His Veins are so throng'd , and his Blood 〈◊〉 ●a●nted with Scurvey , Gout and Dropsie , ( and a ●●natch of the French man too boot , which he g●● when he was Drunk , and does 〈◊〉 know who to lay it to ) 〈…〉 fies the Intrusion of any other 〈…〉 per : wherefore he stalks in as 〈◊〉 State through a Pestilence , as 〈◊〉 Arm'd Soldier through a Shower Bullets : for his forementioned Dise●●ses have taken such large Possession 〈◊〉 his Body , that there is no room left fo● Infection . He has drunk himself into a Jelly and is so moist , that if you squeeze him , he drops like an Orange . His Body is a perf●ct Still , wh●●● he fuels with Brandy instead of Char-coal : being throughly , heated , you may discern t●●●weat● Distilation tricle from his face , as from t●e Lid of a Limbeck ; and if any chance to drop on his Nose , you may hear it ●iz as if it fell upon heated Bricks . In fine though he always lives Joakingly and Merry , be hates nothing more than a dry Jest. Thus having acquainted you with his Constitution , I shall only co●sider him in his Conversation , and ●●iendship , and so leave him to sleep o●t his Nap. And first for his Conversation ; To t●●e him in the Morning ( for who can fi●● him all the Day after ? he prev●nts his Prayers with a Pipe of Tob●●co , and Smoaks at such a Rate , as ●f ●e prefer'd Sacrifice to Devotion . A Tinder-Box is as necessary to him , as a green Bagg to an Atturney's Clark , with which he seems as ravish'd as Al●●ander with the Odisses , for he ca●●ot sleep unless it lye under his Pillow ▪ In that little night he makes , he cannot so properly be said to sleep , as to Chew the Cudd on his Quotidian Debauchery ; for he often disturbs the repose of a Family , with Muttering a R●●e●ion of his Oaths and Healths . Wh●n he awakes , he stares about with ●uc● wild Curiosity , as one would fancy ●dam did immediately after his C●e●●ion ; for he generally makes him●●lf so Drunk over Night , drowning h●s past Actions in Liquor and Ob●iv●o● , that he scarcely knows the the Morning from the Resurrection , and is hardly perswaded that ever he liv'd before . But after he is convinced of the affirmative , spends about a quarter of an Hour in examining the Bed-posts and Windows , before he discovers whether he be in his own Lodging : And afterwards remains as doubtful how he got thither . Then Bed staves and Slip-shoos go to wrack , for clattering on the Bedstead , like Bows at the Bear-Garden , he calls up the People as Countrey Wenches do Swine , by knocking ; and after a Petition for a Cup of Settle-Brain , begs them to resolve his Quaery ; whereupon they tell him the truth , which indeed is , that either he came the old Porterly way , Cruch'd with a brace of Watch-men ; or else the Modern and more Genteel way , viz. On Pick-pack , instead of a Sedan . Now although my Honest Drunken Cur be guilty of many Vices , which li●e Younger Brothers hang on this great one , which has got possession ; Yet ( Give the Devil his due ) I think the World has Sully'd his Reputation with divers Scandals of which he is no ways Guilty : Wherefore because I only intend his Conversion , not his Consump●●on ; Like an honest Histo●ian ( since I write his Life ) I ought not to sue him wrong'd but rather to rescue him from those Callumnies thrown o● him , by persons in some respects ●orse then himself . The first imputation therfore that ●●●y impose on him , is that he is proud : ●●d why for sooth ? but because when 〈◊〉 has a Drop in his Eye ; he brags 〈◊〉 if he were a better man than his ●eighbours . A stout reason indeed ! 〈◊〉 if a man might not do as much , that ●ere either Light-headed , or in a Fe●er ; Nay , Passion alone makes the wisest of us Bedlams . But let us do as we would be done by , and take him when he is himself , ( that is , in a Morn●ing ) and then I am sure he is as free ●rom Pride , as a Quaker from good ●anners or Ribonds : from would Cu●●om admit , I am confident he would ●ather go to the Ale-house Naked , ●●an undergo the hard Pennance of Sobriety while he dresses himself . Secondly , They call him an Idle fellow : a good fellow all the World knows he is , but as for idleness , let me dye if I ●now any one more free from it than he ; What would they have of him trow ? he rises early , sits up late ; and I dare swear he grudges himself his very Sleep , because it keeps him from his Business : When he is at it , no Man more expeditious than he , for as if his Minutes , like his Estates , ran away too fast , you shall freequently see him with an Ale Glass in one hand , and a Looking-Glass in the other , which betokens both speed & frugality . The third and most fallacious Accusation is , that they say , He 's Prodigal , and Pisses his Estate against the Wall. But I am confident he Enriches or Perfumes the Walls no more than others ; only this I know he does , that whereas Usurers use to hide their Riches in Earthen Pots , he puts his Estate in a Pewter one , ( which one would think were the safer Cabinet ) so that it is not the Honest Drunken Curr , but the Impudent Rogues , Drawers and Tappers , that imbezle and make it away . Much more might be said of him both in his Vindication , and in commendation also : For he is one of the quietest Subjects his Majesty has , and most submissive to Monarchical Government . ●e would not ●e without a King , if 〈◊〉 were for no other Reason than meer●● Drinking his Health . He hates ●offee , as Mahomatizm ; and thinks 〈◊〉 a lesser sin to go to Bed Drunk , than to Drink Coffee to make him Sober . He hates a Studious man ; as Caesar ●id a lean one ; and for the same Reason ; for he is so confident he 's hatchi●g of Treason , that he could find in his Heart to impeach him at advent●re . As for his Friends , he n●ver trou●les his Head to pick and cull them , but takes them as superannuated Maids ●o Husbands , or Fish-women do Makarel , as they come next to hand : For , fixing himself in the next Ale-house or Tavern he comes at ; at first he sits as sullenly as a degraded Courtier , or an ●nsurer upon Advice of a Loss . And no less than a Quart of Purle-Royal , or Two Kicks in the Guts , can remove his Morosity . After he has digested either of them , perchance he 'l vouchsafe to bless you with a Smile , especially if you will purchase it at the expence of a Bawdy Song ; to which you shall see him turn head , and listen ●s heedfully as a Lynnet to a Flaijolet , but infinitely more easie to be Taught . When you have done , 't is twenty to one but he comes and hugs you ; swearring you are the best accomplisht Gentleman that ever he met with in his Life ; and tho he never saw you before , from that time you may date his Friendship : He makes Friends faster than Children do Babies ; and like them too , he often forgets where he has left them . His Reason , like a bad Shop-keeper , is se●●om at home ; or rather , like a Countrey Gentleman , has left the Manour of his own Body , and is gone to dwell in strange Lodgings : So that 't is no wonder , he 's Hobgoblin'd by his fiery Nose to any Debauchery , or that Men call him Beast ; since by giving Reins to ●is Sensuality , he makes so perfect a Swine of himself , that he Drinks till he can hardly Grunt . However , since the Church allows him Christian Burial , I 'll Hopkins and Sternhold him with . An ●PITAPH . Here lies Drunken Tom , Whom Heaven in Mercy save ; He Stumbl'd o're his Death , And Reel'd into his Grave . XIII . Of a Natural Beauty . WHether a chearful Air ' does rise , And Elevate her fairer Eyes ; Or a Pensive Heaviness Her lovely Eyelids does depress , Still the same becoming Grace Accompanies her Eyes and Face ; Still you 'd think that Habit best , In which her Count'nance las● was dre●● . Poor Beauties ! whom a Blush or Glance Can sometimes make look fair by chance ; Or Curious Dress , or Artful Care , Can make seem fairer than they are . Give me the Eyes , give me the Face , To which no Art can Add a Grace : Give me the Looks no Garb nor Dress Can ever make more fair , or less . FINIS . Books Printed for Iohn Harris , at the Harrow , in the Poultrey . COme and Welcome to Iesus Christ : Or a plain and profitable Disco●●se on Iohn 6. Verse 37. Shewing the Cause , Truth and Manner of the Coming of a Sinner to Iesus Christ , with his Happy Reception , and Blessed E●tertainment , by Iohn Bunnyam , Author of the Pilgrims Progress . Price Bound one Shilling . [ 2. ] The Saints Comfort , in all , but more especially in Evil Times . Drawn from Twelve several Texts of Scripture ; which are briefly explained in this small Piece , By T. G. Minister of the Gospel . Price Bound one Shilling . [ 3. ] A Present for Ladies . The Nymphs of Diana ; or the Excellencies of Women-kind , describ'd as well in their External Beauty , as Internal Virtue ; being an Advocate for the Fair Sex ; compriz'd in an Illustrious History of it . Represented not only in Lively and Pathetical Discourses grounded upon Reason , but in sundry rare Examples of Virtuous Love , Piety , Prudence , Modest● , Chastity , Patience , Humility , Temperace , Conduct , Constancy , and Firmness of Mind ; With what else in the like nature is necessary to the Accomplishment of the most Celebrated Beauties . With other Examples of Woman skill'd in the most curious Arts and Sciences . To which are Added , The Examples of Warlike Women , their Noble Exploites and Victories : With the Prophecies and Predictions of the Sybils , in Relation to our Saviour Christ , &c. And as an Apendix , the Character of a Virtuous Woman in all her Capacites , viz. Of a Virgin , of a Wife , and of a Widow ; wherein is shew'd , the happiness that accrues to Man in the possession of so great a Blessing , as a Virtuous Woman ; with the Reasons why Man's happiness is not compleat on Earth , without the Charming Creatu●e Woman . The whole Work Enri●●●●●nd Intermix'd with Curious 〈◊〉 , ●●d Delicate Fancie , suitable ●o ●o C●arming a Subject . Price Bound one Shilling . [ 4. ] The True Fortune-Teller : Or , 〈…〉 Knowledge . Discovering the whol● Art of Chyromancy , Physiognomy , Metoposcopy and Astrology . Containing , 1. A discription of the Planets , their power and influence over the Bodies of Men , Women , and Children . 2. Of the several Lines , Mounts , Marks , Angels , and sacred Characters in the Hand and Wrist ; and by what Planets they are governed as to good or bad fortune . 3. Of Physiognomy . 4. Observations on the Eyes , Eyebrows , Nose , Chin , Neck , Hair , Beard and Face . 5. Metoposcopy , or the signification of the Lines in the Face . 6. Of Moles , and their significations . 7. Of Dreams , and their interpretations . 8. Of Nativities , and their calculation . 9. Of the Rod , by which hidden Treasure is fo●nd . 10. Of Marriage , and at what time any Person shall be Married . 11. Rules to know the danger of Death . 12. Of good and bad Days . 13. The manner of ●esolving doubtful Questions , as to Friends , Marriages , places of Abode , Health , Prosperity or Adversity , Love or Business . 14. Of Pythagoras , his Wheel of Fortune . Of the good and bad Days in each Month relating to Health . To which are Added , Aristotles Observations on the Heavens , their Motion . Of Fiery Meteors , Thunder , Lightning , Eclipses , Comets , Eath-quakes and Whirl-winds . Illustrated with several proper Figures . The Second Edition . Price Bound one Shilling . [ 5. ] A Short and Plain Account of the Late-found Balsamick Wells at Hoxon . And of their Excellent Virtues above other Mineral Waters ; Which make 'em Effectually Cure most Diseases , both Inward and Outward ; With Directions how to Use ' em . By T. Byfield , M. D. Price Sticht 6d . 〈…〉 Physick . ●●●wing t●e method of ●uring the ●ost usual ●is●ases happening to humane Bodies . All ●●●●lated out of the best Latin editions , into En●●●sh ; and ca●efully claused , or divided into Ch●pters , and Sections , for the mor● pleasant ●●●ding , and easier understanding of those Au●●ors . Together with a singular Comment upon ●he First Book of Hermes , the most Ancient of ●●●losophers . The whole compleated in three ●●oks . By William Salmon , Professor in Physick . Price Bound five Shillings . The Treasury of Drugs unlock'd . Or a full ●●d True Description of all sorts of Drugs , and ●ymical Preparations , &c. Very useful for all Gentlemen Merchants , Druggists , Doctors , A●othecaries , Chirurgeons , and their Apprentices : 〈◊〉 also for all Travellers , Seamen , Customhouse ●●ficers , &c. By Io. Iacob Berlu of London Merchant in Drugs . Price Bound one Shilling . The Revelation Unvailed : Or , and Essay towards the discovering I. When many Scripture Prophesies had their Accomplishment , and turn●● into History . II. What are now Fulfilling . 〈◊〉 . What rest still to be Fulfied , with a guess 〈◊〉 the time of them . With an Appendix , proving , that Pagan Rome was not Babylon , Rev. 〈◊〉 , and that the Jews shall be Converted . By ●●muel Petto , Minister of the Gospel at Sudbury in Suffolk . Price Bound one Shilling six Pence . FINIS . 
A66812	----	Witty apophthegms delivered at several times, and upon several occasions by King James, King Charls, the Marquess of Worcester, Francis Lord Bacon, and Sir Thomas Moor ; collected and revised. 1669 Approx. 203 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 90 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2003-01 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A66812 Wing W3237 ESTC R12699 12592170 ocm 12592170 63979 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A66812) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 63979) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 970:16) Witty apophthegms delivered at several times, and upon several occasions by King James, King Charls, the Marquess of Worcester, Francis Lord Bacon, and Sir Thomas Moor ; collected and revised. Bayly, Thomas, d. 1657? James I, King of England, 1566-1625. Selections. 1669. Charles I, King of England, 1600-1649. Selections. 1669. Worcester, Henry Somerset, Marquis of, 1577-1646. Selections. 1669. Bacon, Francis, 1561-1626. Selections. 1669. More, Thomas, Sir, Saint, 1478-1535. Selections. 1669. [6], 168 p. Printed by W.R. for Matthew Smelt, and are to be sold at his shop ..., London : 1669. Reproduction of original in Huntington Library. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. 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Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng English wit and humor. 2002-02 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2002-02 Apex CoVantage Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2002-03 TCP Staff (Oxford) Sampled and proofread 2002-05 Apex CoVantage Rekeyed and resubmitted 2002-06 Emma (Leeson) Huber Sampled and proofread 2002-06 Emma (Leeson) Huber Text and markup reviewed and edited 2002-07 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion Wittie APOPHTHEGMES of K Iames K Charles E of Worcest●● Lo Bacon & Sr Tho. More Reuiued WITTY Apophthegms DELIVERED At Several Times , and upon Several Occasions , BY King James , King Charls , The Marquess of Worcester , Francis Lord Bacon , and Sir Thomas Moor. Collected and Revised . LONDON , Printed by W. R. for Matthew Smelt , and are to be sold at his Shop , next to the Castle , near Meorgate , 1669. TO THE READER . Courteous Reader , HEre is presented to thy View , the timely fruit of those once Famous Monarchs , and Peers of this Realm , whose yet living Fame for Majestick Wisdom and high Discretion , is able still to gain them life and glory , maugre all the dirt , and filth , which this ungrateful Age hath flung both upon their Persons and works . I should but hold a Candle to the Sun , if I should go about to say any thing of their excellent use and worth : only thus much I assure thee , that these Apophthegms , which for the singular Wisdom that is in them are worthy of Record , are collected with exactness and choice , and now published for the profit and delight of all those that are willing to search into this store-house of Wit and Wisdom . Vale. ROYAL APOPHTHEGMS OF K. IAMES . 1. THat it is a Maxim in the Romish Religion , declared by most of their own writers , that the Pope may if he will , at one Mass free all the souls out of Purgatory : his Majesties inference on this Position was , with ●…bnegation of the Popes charity , and admiration of his unparalelled cruelty , that being granted , to have a power so to do , dot●… not nor may not apply his will unto it . 2. That the wearing of Leeks on Saint Davids day by the Welshmen , was a good , honourable , and commendable fashion , seeing that all memorable Acts have by the Agents something worn for distinction , and also to preserve the memory thereof unto posterity : even as the Passeover was to the Jews , that when their children should ask why they were girded with staves in their hands , they might shew them the cause ; so the Welshmen in commemoration of the great fight by the black Prince of Wales , do wear Leeks as the●…r chosen Ensign . 3. Doctor Baily holding conference with the King touching the Popes Arrogancy , alluding to Christs answer to his Apostles ; He that desires to bear Rule , let him be the least amongst you , and therefore the Pope doth sometimes colourably term himself servant of servants : to which the King replyed , that by such an inference he could prove the Pope to be humbly minded , to which the Doctour answered , that he did not alwayes so account himself , save only when he had purpose to deceive , otherwise he esteemed himself Lord of Lords . His Majesties determination was , that the Popes calling himself servant of servants , was rather in a more strict and peculiar sense , as that he was a servant of his Church , and so by consequence , the servant of the servants of God , but towards all other , Lord of Lords ; so likewise to be a professed Catholick , is to be a true Christian , but to be a Roman Catholick is it , which marreth the matter . 4. That whereas our Saviour saith it is as easie for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle , as for a rich man to enter into the Kingdome of heaven , the Pope perverteth that saying , for that none shall have no pardons , but such as pay for them : so consequenly the rich are more easie to enter into heaven then the poore , because the one can have pardons when he will , but the other is not able to purchase it , and thereupon his Majesty concluded the Pope to be justly called a Merchant of mens souls , as is set forth in the 18. of the Revelation . 5. His Majesty observed a quaint interrogatory put to a jealous Lover , out of that famous Comedy of Ignoramus , the which his Majesty highly commended , viz. whether he desired most , or rather to be termed Publius Cornelius , or Cornelius Tacitus ; in further approbation of which Comedy , besides in opposition and dislike of another Comedy performed and acted before his Majesty by the Scholars of the University of Oxford , that as in Cambridge one Sleep made him wake ; so in Oxford , one Wake made him sleep . 6. That Tobacco was the lively image & pattern of hell , for that it had by allusion in it all the parts and vices of the world wherby hell may be gained ; to wit first it was a smoak , so are the vanities of this world . Secondly , it delighteth them who take it , so do the pleasures of the world delight the men of the world . Thirdly , it maketh men drunken , and light in the head ; so do the vanities of the world , men are drunken therewith . Fourthly , he that taketh Tobacco , saith he cannot leave it , it doth bewitch him : even so the pleasures of the world make men loath to leave them , they are for the most part so inchanted with them : and further , besides all this , it is like hell in the very substance of it ; for it is a stinking loathsom thing , and so is hell : and further , his Majesty professed , that were he to invite the Devil to a dinner , he should have these three dishes . 1. a Pig , 2. a Pole of Ling , and Mustard , and 3. a pipe of Tobacco for digestare . 7. That he had heard an old Minister say , touching conformity , that it would be a scandal for him to conform , and yet will allow that his son may do it , as if he living a fool all his life , desired so to die . 8. Heaven is governed by order , and all good Angels there ; nay , hell it self could not well subsist without some order , and the very devils are divided into Legions , and have their Captains . How can any Society then upon earth subsist without order or degrees ? 9. That the often mentioning of Abraham , Isaac and Jacob in the Scripture , is to signifie that we should celebrate the memory of good men above others , and of all men above beasts . 10. That all humane Laws cannot be perfect , but that some must rest in the discretion of the Judge , although an innocent man do perish thereby : as his Majesty further conceived , that a Jury may cast upon evidence , and a Judge may give a just sentence , yet the party innocent . 11. We should not be like the Puritans in our prayers , who speak to God , as to their fellows , and sit at Christs Table , as with their companions . Let us joyn reverence with the sweet confidence we have in Gods love . 12. That no man can thrive that keepeth a whore at Rack and Manger , to sit openly with justification . That to rove is proper to expresse the action of the body , but to rave is an action of the mind . 13. His Majesty would not admit publick , disputation betwixt twelve Papists , and twelve Protestants , himself being chosen umpire , because he might lose more , that would not be satisfied , then he could win , although the Papists side were convicted : and further his Majesty declared , that in 88 , he almost converted a Papist , untill my new convert heard of the Spanish Invasion . 14. Vertue is easier then vice , or the essential difference betwixt vice and vertue , is truth and falshood ; and it is easier and lesse pa●…s to tell truth then a lye , and for vices of the senses custom is all in all ; for to one that hath lived honestly , it is as much shame to commit sin , as for another to abstain . 15. The art of Physicians is very imperfect , for I doubt not but for every disease , there is in nature a several simple , if they could find it out , so that these compounds do rather shew their ignorance then their knowledge . 16. The Popish Religion is like ●…mers Iliads of the siege of Troy , or Virgils Aene des of the beginning of Rome , both of them had a foundation of truth , so had the Papists of the Bible , but they have all added so much , that the first truth is almost lost . 17. That Monarchicall Government by Secular Kings and Priests , is the only Ordinance of God , and the Republick only a depraved institution of man for depraved ends , as appears manifestly by the whole current of Scripture , even from Adam to the Primitive Church after Christ. 18. A Preacher preaching before his Majesty on the 29. Psalm , that I offend not in my tongue , he could have wished might have bin before so many women , because they are most unruly therein . 19. That there were many wayes to find out truth besides evidence of reall witnesse , as it was in the businesse of Mr. Haddock , who was reputed good , yet was found at last a great oflender , whereupon his Majesty replyed , the case in him was not after his meaning , and thereupon insisted further to exemplifie his offence , confessing the same to be high & capital in respect of God and man , meaning Mr. Haddock , who preached in his sleep , that his Majesty did God and the Countrey good service , in discovering that man. 2. That his practice was diabolical & a new way to sin , that his Majesty never heard of before . 3. That he did therein practice against God himself , in that he did endeavour to make his own inventions as the oracle of God , and by that means to bind mens consciences thereto to believe . 4. That his Majesty discovered him by his own papers and notes which were brought unto the King , the which Mr. Haddock confessed to be his own hand-writing , and the notes of his Sermon which men say he preached in his sleep , but for answer thereunto , said he only noted his Sermons first in writing , and so in the night dreamed thereof , and of the same thing that he had penned before , but by his answer his Majesty convinced him upon his own experience concerning dreams and visions in the night , that things studied or mentioned in the day time may be dreamed of in the night , but always irregularly , without order , but not as his Sermons were , both good and learned , as in particular in that very Sermon which he preached before his Majesty in his sleep , concernin Davids waters , Psalm 69. where in he treated . 1. physically , then theologically , which is not usual in dreams so to do . 5. That Mr. Haddocks sin being granted for liberty , and good , then would all sinnes bee protected and allowed , as blasphemy against God , Treason against the King , slander against any man ; and at last all defended under colour of being asleep : and further his Majesty declared his opinion , that the reason that moved the aforesaid Mr. Haddock to put in practice his preaching in his sleep did proceed from two natural infirmities , to which he was subject , the one was stammering in speech , so finding himself more ready to speak being quiet in his bed , and his eyes shut from any object to trouble his mind , he could utter himself more perfectly . The second reason was his practice to talk in his sleep : these two as the King conceived , put him on to that soul practise and illusion of Sathans . 20. The King professed , that he would chuse rather to turn Turk , then in some fables to believe Bollarmine : and further declared on this subject , that miracles , as now used and maintained amongst the Papists , to the end to confirm a false belief on Saints , according as at first Christ used miracles to cause and confirm a true belief on himself , as is further declared in this story of a popish miracle . In Naples , one of the chief Cities in Italy , in a time of a famous siege which it endured , the Viceroy thereof made a severe order , wherein it was death for any man above and under such an age to walk without a sword in any parts throughout the City , which not long time had passed before it happened , that as himself and train was riding through the streets to see how well this order was put in execution , that he espied a Gentleman without a sword , which being brought before him the order was read , and die he must for contempt , and accord●…ng to the order he was to be hanged upon the next sign post : the Gentleman pleaded several things in his own behalf , which were availing , and seeing he must die , desired this favour of the Viceroy , that he might not die so ignominious a death as to be hanged , but that as he was a Gentleman , so he might die like a Gentleman , & therefore did desire ●…hat the next Gentleman that past by , with his sword might run him through , which request being so reasonable , the Viceroy could not in civility deny him , and so prorogued the execution till the next came , which was to do the businesse , which was not long before one appeared , and exactly qual●…ied for the business . , Now you must take notice , that this man that came on , had n●…ly come from a gaming house , imomach that he had lost all , even the very ●…ade of his sword , and in regard of that severe order d●…st not go home , untill a woodden one was fi●…ed to ●…ast and ●…bard ; so being stopt , the dying Gentlemans req●…st was said op●…n unto him , which knowing his own ●…fficiency for that 〈◊〉 , so star●…led him , that he fained and took on 〈◊〉 terms as these , What make a common Executioner of me ? what , stun my b●…od to Eternity ? with 〈◊〉 like , w●… all proving 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 he was hard prest to it , 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 Viceroy , and the dying Gentleman , he waved all further excuses , and prepared himself to the work , and so putting off his loose garments , he began his work , with a prayer to this effect , O Lord God , which seest all the transactions here below , judge I pray thee the right of those that suffer wrong , and in an especial manner grant , that if this man here ought not to dye , may this my sword be turned into wood , so plucking it forth , and it being accordingly as we mentioned before , the dying Gentleman was released with abundance of joy : the woodden sword was carried with much solemnity , and hung up in the Cathedral Church , as a true link to the chain of Popish miracles . 22. Let no man think that he may frame and make his wife as he pleaseth , that deceived Solomon , the wisest King that ever was . 23. That his Majesty confested , that he read more Popish books than Protestant , and from thence findeth matter to confirm him in the Protestant Religion : and he farther related , that he stiled a book once being sent him by the name of Melchisedeck , being without beginning or ending . 24. That many learned writers have recorded things for truth , which experience hath falsified : as for instance , his Majesty gave his own experience touching the worms found in a Stags head , which are reported to dy , if put into water , but will live in wine , the which being tryed , they live equally in both . 25. If the Pope may erre as a man , but not as a Pope , I would know why the Pope doth not instruct or reform the man , or wherefore the man doth not require the Popes instruction . 26. Not only the deliverance of the Jews till they came to the Land of promise , but even their daily preservation was miraculous ; for there was never any noted plague in Jerusalem , though it stood in a hot Climate , which had it been , would have endangered the whole Nation , it being to assemble thither twice every year of necessity . 27. That to have any imployment in any Republick in that State is dangerous , for do he well or ill , he is sure to rue it , and he speedeth best that doth worst , like a Scottish Tale , I have heard of one that never sped well amongst the Lawyers when he had a good cause , because he then least suspected it , & the other side bribed and countermanded , & so the greatest carried it for the most part , even so in Republicks . 28 That a Germane was naturally most constant to himself , for although he could well fashion himself to any Countrey he travelled unto , yet returning home to his own , he would appear to any mans judgment , nothing changed from the manner and condition of his own Nation , and so in him is most truly fulfilled this saying , That the Heathen change not , but all persons and things here below are subject to change , but with the English or any other Nation , it is otherwise ; nay , farther on this subject , his Majesty said , that a Frenchman though never so grave and sober of countenance , yet one time or other would have his frisk of vanity . 29. That he is not of opinion , that all speeches in Scripture , touching beasts or sowls , by allegory , doth agree with the proper and peculiar nature of them , as of that , Be nise as Serpents , or that comparison of the Ostrich , that seemeth to neglect her young by leaving her eggs in the dust , which is not the proper nature of them , as hath been approved by Barbary Merchants , that have seen them , but itseems so outwardly , because she hideth her eggs in the sand , and so removeth a little from them , but for no other end , but to protect them , that at the time of need , and in the hatching to break the shell , which of it self cannot . 30. Sir Francis Kinaston by experience falsified the Alchimist report , that a hen being fed for certain days with gold , beginning when Sol was in Leo , should be coverted into gold , and should lay golden eggs , which be●…ng tryed , was no such thing , but became indeed very'sat ; his Majesties conceit thereupon was , that surely somewhat was omitted in Sir. Francis experiment , to wit , he wanted faith to believe , as himself did always in the like , or such matters , but one thing more might have been ●…added more amply to satisfie the experiment ; 〈◊〉 the Cock had been first fed with gold , and afterwards have trodden the hen , might happily have succeeded the better . 31. That upon report made to his Majesty of a Goose that loved a man , that it would never be from him , wheresoever he went , and upon occasion would guard him from offence , whereupon his Majesty remembred the Goose of the Capitol ; and further he said , he thought it as easie to prove the deceit of the aforesaid Goose from that Goose of the Capitol , as the Heralds now adayes for gain do prove the deceit of the Gentlemen of these times . 32. Whether boldness or bashfulness did soonest prevail in Court ? his Majesties opinion was , that bashfulness did , alluding to the Lord Duke of Buckingham , who at his first coming to Court , exceeded in bashfulness , and when his Majesty had cast his eye upon him , the Lord of Arundel being asked by his Majesty what he thought of him , he answered , that his blushing bashfulness was such , as he thought he would do but little good in Court favours . 33. That if there were no other quarrel between the Papists and the Pro●…estants , but the number of Sacraments he himself would be a Papist : for he held it not worth the quarrelling , as appeared by a Tale of two friends in Scotland , being great in friendship , and in their cups falling out about that subject , the one a great Papist , and the other a Protestant , so they fought and were both slain : a third said , before he would have lost his life in that quarrel he would have divided the seven into three and twenty & half to end that controversie . 34. That he would never use any other Argument to convince the Papists of their opinion of Miracles , but by their own Doctrine , whereunto most of their miracles are altogether repugnant : as for example , a fable they have that the picture of our Lady should stir ; their Doctrine is , that these images are but Representative , now what disproportion appeareth between their opinion and their Doctrine ? 35. God is never better honoured , than in giving him true worship : the King at that time declared himself resolved alwayes to kneel at the Sacrament , and that for to testifie his humility towards God , being a King , and the rather for example sake to others that are set under him , he said he would not have willingly a gout in the knee , alluding to Doctor Lawds Sermon on that subject a little before , and his Majesty confessed the gout of the knee very troublesom , and that by a particular experiment of his own upon an accidental hurt , which he received on his foot at New-Market , being to receive the holy Communion on Christmas-day following , and resolved to take the same kneeling as aforesaid , provoked his whole body into a very great sweat , and anguish , and therefore concluded the gout in the knee to be a main impediment for sacred duties ; and further said he , Shall we not exceed the Turks , who in their false worship , do fall down flat on their faces , rise often in the night to perform their false worship ? and this they are injoyned to do , or otherwise they account themselves damned . 36. That it was strange to look into the life of Henry the eighth , how like an Epicure he lived . It was once demanded by King Henry the eighth , of one , what he might do to be saved ? who answered , that he had no cause to fear , having lived so mighty a King , and done so many worthy acts in his life time : but oh , said he , I have lived too like a King , which King James inferred was rather like no King ; for the office of a King is to do justice and equity , but he only served his sensuality like a beast . 37. No Country can be called rich , wherein there is war , as in the low Countries , there is much money , but the Souldiers have it in pay from the Governours , the Boors have it for victuals of the Souldiers , the Governors have it from them again in Taxes , so there is no center , no honour . 38. That it hath like operation to make women learned , and to make foxes tame , which teacheth them only to steal more cunningly , the possibility is not equal , for where it doth one good , it doth twenty harm . 39. On an espousal of marriage , his Majesty let ●…all this silver saying , that Parents might forbid their children an unfit match , but they may not force their consent to a fit . 40. The Devil alwayes avoids the mean , and waits upon extremity : so hath he alwayes sought to delude the world betwixt Atheism and Superstition . On extremity of war , his Majesty further observed , that no man gains by war , but he that hath not wherewith to live in peace . 41. All extremities come round to one end , the simple obedience of the Papists , and the non-obedience of the P●…ritans , the one bred confusion , the other ignorance and security . 42. There was a politick Sermon , that had no divinity in it that was preached before K. James , the King as he came forth , said to Bishop Andrews , call you this a Sermon ? The Bishop answered , & it may please your Majesty , by a charitable construction it may be a sermon 43. Bishop Andrews was asked by King James at the first coming over of the Bishop of Spalato , whether he were a Protestant or no : he answered , truly I know not , but he is a detestant of divers opinions of Rome . 44. An ill name may be free from dishonesty , but not from some folly , we should not only be free from 〈◊〉 but from suspition ; for it is not enough to be well lived , but well reported , and oftentimes weighty matters , are as much coloured by reputation , as substance . 45. Misfortunes are not acceptable in any kind , yet those are endured with most ease , that come rather by destiny than deserving . 46. Cresus said to Cambyses , that peace was better than war , because in peace the sons did bury their fathers , but in wars , the fathers did bury their sons . 47. Justice should be blind and friendless ; it is not by it , that those that be in authority should reward their friends , or cross their enemies . 48. Cato Major was wont to say , that wise men learned more by fools , than fools by wise men , as appears by this following example : a certain Duke kept a fool , the Duke falling sick of a quartane ague , it in a short time came to pass , that the distemper grew to that height , that his Physicians gave it forth that nothing would cure him of that malady , but a great fright , which thing coming to the fools ear , he waited an opportunity to effect a cure for the Duke , which he thus brought about , taking notice in what part of his garden he used frequently to walk in near a River , he got himself into a hollow ●…ree near hand , and when the Duke was ●…ast by him , he rusheth forth , & thrusts ●…im into the river , & calls out to those that waited aloof off , look to your Duke , or he will be drown'd else , so they ●…un with all speed , & pluckt him forth , ●…nd in two or three dayes , the Duke was perfectly recovered , the fool absents ●…imself , for fear , but after a years absence ●…eturns to Court , where being brought ●…efore the Duke , the Duke aggravates his fault to him , and told him , that on the morrow he should dye for it ; the fool replyed , that he thought the Duke no harm by it , and many words to the like purpose ; but all not serving , he the next morning appeared on a Scaffold the Duke had caused to be erected , to lose his head ; so the hour being come , the fool laid his head on the block , & as the Duke had appointed , instead of cutting his head off , he caused warm water to be poured upon his neck , and the fool with very fear expired , to the great grief of the Duke , who broke forth into this expression upon it , That it was wisdom for fools to jest with wise men , but the greatest folly in the world , for wise men to jest with fools . ROYAL APOPHTHEGMS OF K. CHARLS . 1. AFflictions cannot be esteemed with wise and godly men any argument of sin in an innocent person , more than the ●…mpunity of wicked men is amongst good men any sure token of their innocency . 2. That in the direct worship of God himself , we ought to be guided by the word of God , and not otherwise , but in the form and order of Ceremonies , that indeed is solely left to the Church . 3. When the King first entered the Castle of Ragland , the Marquess kissed the Kings hand , and rising up again , he saluted his Majesty with this complement , my Lord , I am not worthy : the King replyed unto the Marquess , my Lord , I may wel answer you again , I have not found so great faith in Israel , for no man would trust me with so much money as you have done : to which the Marquess replyed , I hope your Majesty will prove a Defender of the faith . 4. Prepare for war when thou propoundest for peace , otherwise thy peace will be hardly obtained , or too highly prized , whatever thy first Article be , let disbanding be the last . A cunning Cur , though he wag his tail will shew his teeth , the best Treaty is with a drawn sword , and the safest peace is concluded under a buckler . 5. As it is one of the most convincing Arguments , that there is a God , whilst his power sets bounds to the raging of the Sea , so it is no less that he restrains the madness of the people , nor doth any thing portend more Gods displeasure against a Nation , then when he suffers confluence and clamours of the vulgar to pass all boundaries of Law , and reverence to authority . 6. The Devil of Rebellion doth commonly turn himself into an Angel of Reformation . 7. When King Charls had made his repair to Rapland , after the Battel of Naseby , taking occasion to thank the Marquess for some mony lent his Majesty , the Marquess returned his Majesty this answer , Sir I had your word for my money , but I never thought I should be so soon repaid , for now you have given me thanks , I have all I look for . 8. The lower sort of people are desirous of novelties , and apt for change , weighing Government with the scales of their own fortune , they are too ser●…iole of evils in present , to fear worse in future , let such ●…now they move in their particular orbs , not in the common sphere , and that the alteration in the heavens makes no star greater , which way soever the change moves , a Cobler shall be bat a Cobler still . 9. It is a Princely alchimy out of necessary wars to extract an honourable peace , and more beseeming the Majesty ●…f a Prince to thirst after peace than Conquest . Blessedness is promised to the Peace-maker , not to the Conque●…or . It is a happy State whose peace ●…th a peaceful ●…nd , and a Martial heart , able both to use peace , ●…and to ●…anage war. 10. Upon a discourse of the singular parts , which Doctor John Donne Dean of Pauls , was indowed withal , he took occasion to speak of his marriage , who marrying into a rich and honourable Family , being much above his Degree , and against his wives fathers consent , insomuch that the father would give her no Portion , which the Doctor then perceiving , took his Pen and writ ( and sent it to the old man ) in this manner , John Donne , Anne Donne , undone , which wrought good effects on the old man. 11. Aristippus being accused by a strumpet for having go●… her with child●… answered , thou mayest as well going through a thorn hedge tell certainly which thorn pricked thee . 12. His Majesty being very wel●… grounded in the true Protestant Religion , in a Discourse concerning Sectaries , said truly , That there were bu●… two good sentences in a Sectaries sermon , the first of necessity good , whic●… is the Text , the second by consequent which is the end , and thereby an en●… of an impertinent Discourse . 13. The merits of a deserving Lad●… would serve her for a Protection amongst the savage Indians , whilst their rudeness and barbarity knows not so perfectly to hate all vertues , as some mens subtilty doth . 14. God blessed the modest respect and filial tenderness , which Noahs sonnes bear to their father , nor did his open infirmity justifie Chams impudency , nor exempt him from that curse of being servant of servants , which curse must needs be on them who seek by dishonourable actions to please the vulgar , and confirm by igno●…le acts their dependance upon the people . 15. A Bishop rising up in arms against his Prince , was overthrown , and himself being then clad in Armour , was taken prisoner , and by the Kings express command clapt up : the Pope hearing of it , sends to the King , complaining or breach of the Church-priviledges , that one o●… her sons should be imprisoned : the King sends back the Messenger , and with him the Armour taken from the Bishop , desiring the Pope to send him word , whether those were the garments of any of his sons . 16. Popular tumults , are not like a storm at Sea , which yet wants no●… its ●…erroar , ●…ut like an earth-quake , shaking the very foundations of all , then which nothing in the world hath more horror . 27. It matters not much , whether in Government thou tread the steps of severe Hannibal , or gentle Scipio , so thy actions be honourable , and thy life vertuous , both in the one and in the other , there is defect and danger , if not corrected and supported by the fair repute of some extraordinary indowments : No matter black or white , so the Steed good . 28. That it is an hardiness beyond true valour , for a wise man to set himself against the breaking in of a Sea , which to effect at present threatens imminent danger , but to withdraw gives it space to spend its fury , and gains a fitter time to repair the breach . Certainly a gallant man had rather fight to get disadvantages for number and place in the field in an orderly way , than se ussle with an indisciplin'd Rabble . 29. Sir Henry Bard , who was Lord Bellameunt , coming into the Hall of Ragland , and seeing so many Tables furnished with food , and seeders , sware that his Majesty had a plo●… to destroy that Family , first in borrowing all the old mans money , and then in coming thus to eat up his victuals : which h●…s Majesty hearing smiled at : but the Marquess asked the man who made the relation unto him , of what Garison the Lord Bellameunt was Governour ; it was told his Lordship , that he was Governour of Cambden house ; the Marquess replyed , that when the King had done as he said , that then his Majesty m●…ght go to his Garison , and there he m●…ght have Cambdens Remains . 30. There be three sorts of Government , Monarchical , Historical , Democratical , and they are apt to fall three several wayes into ruine . The first by Tyranny , the second by ambition , the last by t●…mulr . A Common-weal grounded upon any of these , is but of short continuance , but being wisely mingled , either guard the other , and makes the government exact . 31. A certain Court Lady , being very extravagant in all pleasures of this life , was admonished to steer another course , and being prest hard by the Minister , of the van●…ty of all earthly things set forth so fully by Solomon , she answered , What tell you me of Solom●…n ? Solomon never said they were vanity ●…ntil he had tried them , even so will I do , and then I will tell you my judgement of them : His Majesties opinion of it was , That she was led more by sense than faith . 32. The Mahometans live in such exemplary concord , that they seldom break into ill language , but if they do so , a third man will reprove them , with a Fye Mussel-man fall out ! and all is appeased , h●…s Majesties determination on this was , That Christianity would be far more be●…ful than it is , if it could be brought to such a degree of perfection . 33. A man being a great observer of Dreams , dreamed , that all Dreams were vain ; which when he awoke , he was in a maze to consider of it ; but at last recollecting himself , he thought that if all Dreams were vain , then this was vain and all the rest true ; but them again , if this Dream was true , then all his other Dreams were vain ; so in this labyrinth I leave him . His majesties judgment on it was , That dream had much altered the case of his former judgment on that subject . 34. Sir John Hotham a notable monument of unprosperous disloyalty teached the world by so sad and unfortunate a spectacle , that the rude carriage of a subject towards his Soveraign carries alwayes its own vengeance , as an unseparable shadow with it . 35. Some men have so much of the Serpents subtilty , that they forget the Doves simplicity . 36. No men are prone to be greater Tyrants , and more rigorous exactors upon others to conform to their illegal novelties , than such whose pride was formerly least disposed to the obedience of lawful constitutions , and whose licentious humours most pretended conscientious liberties . 37. In the war , the King came to a Castle , and told the Lord thereof , that he thought not to have stayed with his Lordship above 3. days , but his occasion requiring a longer stay , and considering that it was a Garrison , and that his provision might be spent by so great a pressure , was willing his Lordship should take what provision the Countrey would afford for his present maintenance , and recruit●… to which his Lordship answered ; I humbly tha●… 〈◊〉 Majesty , but my 〈◊〉 will never stand 〈◊〉 , i●… it le●…ns upon the 〈◊〉 , & I had rather be brought to a m●…rsel of bread , than any m●…rsels of bread should be brought in to cu●…in your M●…sty . 38. Carry a watchful eye upon dangers till they come to ripeness , and when they are ripe , let loose a speedy hand , he that expects them too long , meets them too late , and he that meets them too soon , gives advantage to the evil . Commit their beginning to Argus his eyes , and their ends to Br●…areus hands , and than art safe . 39. Fortune hath no power over wisdom , but of sensuality , and of Lives that swim and navigate without the loadstone of discretion and Judgment . 40. Aristarchus scoffingly said , That in old time hardly could be found seven wise men throughout the world , but in one day , quoth he , much ado there is to find so many fools . 41. After Antigenus had been sick a long time of a lingring disease , and well recovered again , We have , said he , got no harm by this long sickness ; for th●…s hath taught us not to be so proud , by p●…tting us in mind , that we are but mortal : his Majesties determination of it was , That were he real , he had by it learned a most divine Less●…n . 42. That an infallid thing may be discerned and known by a fallid means : As for example , our senses are fallid , but by them we know many things infallid ; whence the Papists inferre , that because the Church is visible , therefore the chief head must be visible . The universal Church consisteth of two parties , the one visible , the other invisible ; to wit , a visible body , and an invisible spirit , and therefore the chief head of the Church should rather be visible , but we grant many visible substitutes over the Church , as subordinate Rulers under the chief . 43. Sir Thomas Somerset , brother to the Marquess of Worcester , had a house which they called Troy , five miles from Ragland Castle : this Sir Thomas being a compleat Gentleman of himself , delighted himself much in fine Gardens and Orchards , where by the benefit of art the earth was made so graceful to him at the same time , that the King happened to be at his brothers house , that it yielded him wherewithal to send his brother Worcester a present , and such an one as the time & place considered was ●…ble to make the King to believe , that the Soveraign of the Planets had new changed the Poles , and that Woles , the re●…use and outcast of the fair Garden of England , had fairer and riper fruit than Englands bowels had on all her beds , this presented to the Marquess , the Marquess would not suffer to be presented to the King , by any other hand than his own , in comes the Marquess at the latter end of Sapper , led by the arm , with a slow pace , expressing much a Spanish gravity , with a silver dish in each hand filled with rarities , and a little basket on his arm , as a reserve , where making his obeysance , he thus speaks , May it please your Majesty , if the four Elements could have been robd to have entertained your Majesty , I think I had but done my duty ; but I must do as I may , if I had sent to Bristol for some good things to entertain your Majesty , that had been no wonder at all , if I had procured from London some goodness , that might have been acceptable to your Majesty , but here I present your Majesty ( placing his dishes upon the Table ) with what , that came not from Lincoln , that was not London , that is not York that is to be , but I assure your Majesty , that this Present came from Troy ; whereupon the King smiled , and answered the Marquess , Truly my Lord , I have heard , That corn now grows where Troy Town stood , but I never thought there had grown any Apricocks there before . Whereupon the Marquess replyed , any thing to please your Majesty : when my Lord Marquess departed the presence , one told his Lordsh●…p , that he would make a very good Courtier , the Marquess said , I remember I said one thing that may give you some hopes of me , Any thing to please your Majesty . 44. The first night his Majesty came into Rag●…and Castle , the King desired to see the great Tower , where his Lordship did use to keep his Treasure , his Majesty spake au●…o Doctor Baily then standing by to fetch the keys ; he ran down to the Marquess and acquainted him with the Kings pleasure , who would needs bring them to the King , and shew him the Tower himself : when the King saw the Marquess bringing the keys himself , he ●…aus spake unto the Marquess , My Lord , there are some men so unreasonable , as to make me believe , that your Lordship hath good store of gold yet lest within t●…s Tower , but I knowing how I have exhausted you , together 〈◊〉 your own occasions , could never have believed it until now I see you will not trust the keyes with any but your self : to which the Marquess made this reply , Sir , I was so far from giving your Majesty any such occasion of thought by this tender of my duty that I protest unto you , that I was once resolved that your Majesty should have lain there , but that I was loath to commit your Majesty to the Tower. 45. When the King first entred the gates of Ragland , the Marquess delivered his Majesty the keyes according to the ordinary custom , the King restoring them to the Marquess , the Marquess said , I beseech your Majesty to keep them if you please , for they are in a good hand , but I am afraid that ere it be long , I shall be forced to deliver them into the hands of those who will spoil the Complement . 46. H●…s Majesty professed that he could not fix his love on one that was never angry ; for as he that is without sorrow is without gladness ; so he that is without Anger , is without Love. 47. Upon discourse of life , his Majesty observed that it was one of the fol●…es of man , that when he was full of dayes , and near his end , that then he should love life most . 48. Cato said , to which his Majesty assents , That the lest way to keep good Acts in memory , was to refresh them with new . 49. King Charls coming to Ragland , it being when the tall Cedar of our Lebanon was brought so low , and those Sycomores flourished , when the Royal Oak was in the fall of the leaf , it happened that his Majesty was at bowls upon Ragland Castle Green , a place proudly situated , where after he had ended his Recreation , his Majesty was pleased to delight himself with observing the Co●…ntrey round about , it happened , that one Prichard , the Kings partner at bowls , presuming more upon his good bowling , than good manners , continued that familiarity , that should have ended with the rubbers , shewing the King where his house stood , & told his Majesty that he must look through the wood , and he might see a white thing , and that was it : moreover acquainted his Majesty , what the Lord of Wercester had advised him , viz. to cut down some of those trees , that the house might plainly be discerned from the Green , whereby his Lordship when he wanted a good bowler , might make a sign , and so have him at a beck : to which the King replyed , Mr. Prichard , let me give you better advice , put up more trees where the trees are so thin , that my Lord of Worcester may not see thy house at all . The Marquess of Worcester supposing the King had dreamed of this greediness , of purchasing all the Land which was near unto him , shewed his Majesty a row of trees , and told the King , that beyond that row of trees stood a pretty Tenement , and because he would not have Naboths vineyard to be an eye-sore to him , he had planted those trees to hoodwink his eyes from such temptations . 50 God made one part of man of earth , the basest element , to teach him 〈◊〉 lity , his soul proceeded from the bosom of himself , to teach him goodness ; so that if he look downward nothing is viler , if he cast his eyes to heaven , he is of a matter more excellent than the Angels . The former part was a type of Adam , the second of Christ , which gives life to that which was dead in it self . APOPHTHEGMS OF THE EARL OF VVORCESTER . 1 AT the Kings being at Ragland , there were some information given of some Gentlemen of the County , who were supposed to have done his Majesty many ill offices , by withdrawing the hearts of the people from his Majesty : these men thus accused , were ordered to be laid hold of , and it was executed accordingly , and they being brought before his Majesty , it was moved by some , that they should be forthwith tryed by a Commission of Oyer and Terminer , others advised his Majesty they should be sent to Hereford , and there to be kept in safe custody , until further consultation might be had concerning them , they excusing themselves as well as they could , one of them protesting his innocency with tears in his eyes ; the King ordered , that he should be released , being always prone to lean to pity rather than Justice , and to favourable rather than rigid construction . The King coming back from Alergeveny , where this was put in execution , told the Marquess what he had done , and that when he saw them speak so honestly , he could not but give some credit to their words , so seconded by tears , and withal told the Marquess that he had onely sent them to prison , whereupon the Marquess said , what to do ? to poyson that Garison ? Sir , you should have done well to have heard their accusations , and then to have shewed what mercy you pleased . The King told him , that he heard they were accused by some contrary Faction , as to themselves , who out of distast they bore to one another upon old grudges , would be apt to charge them more home than the nature of their offences had deserved : to whom the Marquess made this return , Well Sir , you may chance to gain you the Kingdom of heaven by such doings as these , but if ever you get the Kingdom of England , by such wayes , I will be your bond-man . 2. The Marquess had a mind to tell the King as handsomly as he could of some of his ( as he thought ) faults , and thus he contrived his plot against the time , that his Majesty was wont to give his Lordship a visit , as commonly he used to do after dinner , his Lordship had the book of John Gower lying before him on the Table , the King casting his eye upon the book , told the Marquess , that he had never seen it before , O said the Marquess , it is a book of books , which if your Majesty had been well versed in , it would have made you a King of Kings ; Why so my Lord , said the King ? Why said the Marquess , here is let down how Aristotle brought up and instructed Alexander the great in all his iudiments and principles belonging to a Prince ; and under the persons of Alexander and Aristotle , he read the King such a lesson , that all the standers by were amazed at his boldness , and the King supposing that he had gone further than his Text would have given him leave , asked the Marquess , whether he had his lesson by heart , or whether he spake out of the book : the Marquess replyed , Sir , if you could read my heart , it may be , you might find it there , or if your Majesty please to get it by heart , I will lead you my book , which latter proffer the King accepted of , and did borrow it : nay said the Marquess , I will lend it you upon these conditions , 1. That you read it , 2. That you make use of it : but perceiving how some of the new made Lords fretted and bit the thumbs , at certain passages in the Marquesses Discourse he thought a little to please his Majesty , though he displeased them , the men who were so much displeased already , protesting unto his Majesty , that no man was so much for the absolute power of a King , as Aristotle , desiring the book out of the Kings hand , he told the King he would shew him one remarkable passage to that purpose , turning to that place , that had this verse , viz. A King can kill , a King can save , A King can make a Lord a knave . And of a knave a Lord also . Whereupon there were divers new made Lords , who slank out of the room , which the King observing , told the Marquess , My Lord , at this rate you will drive away all my Nobility ; the Marquess replyed , I protest unto your Majesty , I am as new a made Lord , as any of them all , but I was never called knave and rogue so much in all my life , as I have been since I received this last honour , and why should not they bear their shares ? 3. The Marquess travelling , was as he thought surprized by enemies , but recovering the top of a high Mountain , by the advantage of the ground he could see the enemy marching off another way , at which sight the Marquess dwelt with his eyes a little longer upon that object , then the L. John Somerset his son thought convenient , whereunto the Marquess made this reply , O son , I love to see my own danger , especially when it is marching of . 4. The Marquess travelling on the way , happened to come to a place wherein was seen a miracle , which the tradition of those parts reports to have been wrought , occasioned upon Saint Davids preaching unto 3000 people , who that he might the better be heard , the ground it is said to rise up in a round knob , whereupon Saint David pitched his Cross whereon he leaned whilst he was preaching , which Cross was yet standing with some words , and letters , which time had made unlegible , and that Saint David had caused a Church to be erected in that place , as a memorial of so great a miracle : this relation made the Marquess very desirous to view the place , the Church , and the Cross , and standing in the Church yard , every man endeavoured to make something of the obliterated superscription , and no man could , for there were only these worn pieces of characters to be seen , viz. Crx. Xt●… Dd. and a piece of an S. which my Lord presently read it Crux Christi Davidis , which we all wondring that no man could find it out , it afterwards appearing to be so plain , he told , as look you now , I without my Spectacles and ill eyes could read it sooner than all you that needed none , and had good eyes , it is not a good eye , but a good faith that attains to the knowledg of such things which you pore so much upon , the like you lose the meaning , now I will tell you how I came to find it out , I considered what had been told me , with the help wherof I came to unstand what the words might signifie , so that in this I am sure tradition was a means to help me to the true understanding of the Scripture . Leaving the place , as we were going along by the Church yard rails , there was an old woman naked as ever she was born , who kept her Hermitage between the roots of an overgrown hollow tree , she was the most lamentable spectacle of Mortality that ever eyes beheld , her eyes as hollow as a dead mans scul , and her head as bare , nothing but skin and bone , her breasts hanging down like two leathern pockets , and her belly like a Satchel , her tawny skin looking rather as if it had been loose garments to the bo●…es , then confines to any flesh and blood , in a word it frightned us all , only the Marquess was in love with her , protesting that he never saw a sight which did him so much good , saying , How happy were it for a man that is going to bed to his grave , to be first wedded to this woman . 4. The Marquess on discourse about Religion , said , That God was fain to deal with wicked men as men do with frisking jades in a pasture : that cannot take them up till they get them to a gate : so wicked men will not be taken up till the hour of death . 5. Treating of youth , the Marquess said , that it was the best course for Parents and Tutors to teach children : that when they are young , they may put in practice , when they are grown up in riper years . 6. Philo Jude●…s saith , to which the Marquess assents , that the sense is like the Sun , for the Sun seals up the globe of heaven , and opens the globe of earth , so the sense doth obscure heavenly things , and reveal earthly things . 7. He was wont to say , that a plain dealing friend , whose friendly Counsel was requited with choler and disgust , was like a turf , that whilst a man bestowed breath upon it to enliven it , it returns thanks to the well-willer , by spitting fire in his face . 8. Dr. Baily living at Ragland castle three years , in all that time never saw man drunk , nor heard an oath amongst any of all his servants , and very rare it was to see a better ordered Family , but that which was most wonderful was , half his servants being Protestants , and half Papists , yet never were at variance in point of Religion : which was brought about by prohibiting disputation , neither was any man less accepted for his Religion , if his service was acceptable , but when the Castle , was filled with Officers & Souldiers , he used to be much grieved to hear and see the Oaths and drunkenness , that was then and there too much practised ; insomuch , that when some of his chief Officers had told him how they had fortified such and such a place so and so , and that here the enemy could not come , and there it was impossible , I , but said my Lord , you have left the main place open and unfortified ; you have made no fortification against heaven , for there is such swearing and drunkenness amongst you , that I fear me , that from thence will come you●… greatest enemy , and you have made no provision against him . 9. As the Marquess was in his travel from Dneb . shire toward Ragland , he determined to lye in a poor Town called Bala in Mer●…neth shire , where being come , upon misinformation , that they were enemies , the people gazed on them like Owls , and no Officer belonging to the Town , would be spoken withal : At last , one of the Marquesses retinue espied a young man , who had a Ribbon on his hat with Vive le Roy in it , to whom he applyed himself , and told him , that he by his favour should be one that loved the King , and that there was such a Nobleman , who had served the King in no small measure , who was likely to ly in the streets for want of a Lodging : the young man shewed immediately great respect , telling his Lordship , that he should be welcom to his Mothers house , who kept a poor Inn. So into the house his retinue went , finding it a most lamentable receptacle for such a person , yet better than none at all ; the Parlour where my Lord was to lye , was a soft and loose ground , wherein you might sink up to the ancles every step , the top of the house being thatched with ill thrasht straw , the corn was left in the straw , wherewith the house was thatched , grew , and was all as green as grass . The Marquess by that time that we had got a good fire , and laid some loose boards over the sloor , came near the house , who seeing the manner of the house top , and the parlour bottom , said , That he lay over a bog , and under a Meadow : but it being known who he was , the Mayor of the Town with singular respect and much humanity , came to the Marquess , excusing his ignorance , and misunderstanding , offering all the civilities of his own house , for which my Lord gave him many and hearty thanks , breaking forth into this Meditation , Lord what a thing this misunderstanding is ! I warrant you might but the King and Parliament confer together , as you and I have done , there might be as right an understanding betwixt them , as there is now betwixt you and I , some body hath told the Parliament , that the King was an enemy , and their believing of him to be such , hathwrought all the jealousies which are come to these distractions , the Parliament being now in such a case as I my self am , having green ears over their heads , and false ground under their feet . 10. The Marquess of Worcester calling for a glass of Claret wine , it was told him by his Physician , that Claret wine was naught for his gout ; What , said the Marquess , my old friend Claret ? nay , give it me in spight of all Physicians and their books , it never shall be said , that I forsook my friend for my enemy . 11. The Marquess discoursing of the small profit generally got by disputation in matters of Religion , said , That men are often in arguing , carried by the force of words f●…rther asunder than their question was at first , like two ships going out of the same haven , their journeys end is many times whole Countries distant . 12. Drunkenness is a beastly vice , and hath this property , that it is one of those vices , that increaseth with age : which Discourse the Marquess prosecuted by a certain story of a certain Philosopher , that having a drunken man brought before him , to know what suitable punishment he should suffer for the offence , the vice was so rarely known in those dayes , that the Philosopher was wholly ignorant of it , and therefore caused him to be brought before him the day following , in the interim of which time , the Philosopher drank himself drunk , and thereby was so sick , that he judged nothing but death would immediately ensue , but it being once over , and the man appearing the next day to know his doom , he said , I adjudge thee to no other punishment , than to bedrunk again , for certainly that crimecarries its punishment along with it . 13. The Earl of Worcester travelling toward Ragland , at a certain Inne in a poor town , where he lay , by the carelessness of servants left behind him 1000 l. in gold , being hid under a Bench , and forgot to be taken away , the money was never missed until they came to their journies end at night , and it being told my Lord that so much was missing , and where they had left it , my Lord made no other words of it but these , you talk of a cheap reckoning , but I never paid so dearly for a nights Lodging in all my life : who would think that a man should leave so much money behind him in such a lousie Inn ? One that stood by told the Marquess , that it was a hundred to one if ever he heard of his money again , it was such a beggarly house , O peace , said the Marquess , if they will not be known of the money , you shall see it will be a brave Inn in a short time : this mony was sent after , and very honestly restored , and delivered into the Messengers hands that came for it . Being brought unto the Marquess , there was much wondring at the honesty of the woman of the house , others praised the whole town seeing it was generally known . The Marquess told them , It may be the town never saw so much mony before , and therefore they knew not what to make of it . 14. The Marquess journeying on his way to Ragland , happened to come to a place that was called Strata del storida , in Cardiganshire , which made him say that he was brought to the West Indies already , an old ruined , but sometimes a most famous Monastery , with whose ruines was built a pretty tolerable Welsh Gentlemans house , where my Lord lodged that night , in which house there was shown an old old woman , who was credibly reported to have been living , and of years able to remember when the Monastery was in its flourishing condition , and to have been at Mass oftentimes when the place was inhabited by Monks and Friars : this strange relation was no sooner carried up , and presented to my Lords ears , but my Lord was as greedy to glut his eys with such an object , as they to fil his ears with the relation : the woman being sent for came , coming , the Marquess questioned her concerning the manner of the Monks behaviour , both in their Service , their Orders , Habits , Customs , and all other particulars , who gave his Lordship so exact an account , that he believed it to be true , and confessed that it must needs be so ; and questioning of her further , about her age , she said she was an hundred years of age : then the Marquess asked her , And what when the Religion altered , you altered with the Religion ? she answered , no in truth Master , I staid to see whether or no the people of the new religion would be better than the people of the old , and I could see nothing , but grew worse and worse , & charity to wax colder & colder , & so kept me to my old religion , I thank God , and by the grace of God mean to live and die in it . The Marquess turned to the Gentleman of the house , who was a Protestant , and asked him whether or no , she had been noted for a Papist all her life , the Gentleman said , that she had , & could never be brought from it ; and that she would oftentimes steal into the Church alone with her beads , and there she would be praying by her self ; the Marquess dismissed her for the present , but after Suppen sent for her again , and had some more private conference with her ; amongst other things he asked her how she did to serve God , and when she had seen a Priest last , when she had been at Mass , or received the Sacrament : the woman answered , that she had not seen a Priest not in sixty years , but she did her office daily , and never missed , and once a year upon Goodfriday she received the Sacrament at the Parsons hands , praying unto God , that seeing she could not attain unto the means , that God would make the Parson a Priest to her at that day , which she believing God Almighties judgment to be such , as that he did hear her prayers . The Marquess fell into such a fit of Laughter , and then into such expressions of admiration , that it was rare to see him transported into such extreams , so at last he ended in pity and commiseration , which wrought in the Marquess this effect , and to the poor woman this intended advantage ; the Marquess gave her ten pieces of old Gold , telling her , that if she would go with him to Ragland , and spend the remainder of her dayes with him she should be welcom , and there enjoy the means of bringing her thither , where now she had but a little way to go , meaning heaven . The woman fell a crying , saying over and over again constantly , God hath sent him , God hath sent him , he was a good man , and so she departed , resolving to go as soon as possible toward Ragland . The next news that was heard in the morning was , that the poor woman was dead , whereupon the Marquess excessively grieved , and wept , all concluding that she died of an excessive joy , whereat the Marquess said thus , If this poor soul died for joy that she should come into a place where she might serve God , bo●… joyfully will she serve him when she comes into a place where she shall never dye ? 15. The Marquess discoursing once of the Essence of God , excellently commended the wisdom of Simonides , who being asked of Hiero , what he thought of God , asked a seven-nights time to consider of it , and at the seven-nights end he asked a fourtnights time , at the fourtnights end he asked a moneth , at which Hiero marvelling , Simonides answered , That the longer he thought on it , the more difficult he found it . 16. The Earl of Glamorgan , the Marquess of Worcesters eldest son , accompanied with divers of high rank and quality , as they were on their journey for Ireland , quartered in the town of Carnarvan , a Sea Town in North Wales , where they were entertained with Discourse at the Table , by some of the Country Gentlemen , who informed them of the falling of an old Welsh Prophesie at that very time and place , which was viz. That there should come a Magpy , and build her nest in the Crown , then should come a Jackdaw , and beat away the Magpy , and after that there should come a Buzzard , that should beat away the Jackdaw , and then there should be seen no Crown , but that of thorns upon the Kings head , at last there should come a Band of men from a far Countrey , & take away the thorns , and then the Crown should appear again : this they said , was thus hitherto accomplished , viz. Over the gate of Carnarvan Castle , there was the picture of King Edward the first , in full proportion , with a Crown upon his head , there did come a Magpy , and did build her nest in the said Kings Crown , and a Jackdaw did beat away the Magpy , and the Buzzard the Jackdaw : this we assure your Honour to be true ; for all our Townsmen have observed it . Dinner being ended , they all went unto the Castle gate , being greedy to satisfie their eyes with the sight , as well as their ears with the Relation ; where being come they beheld the sight , the nest being disordered by the fighting of the combatants , and the materials of the nest made such a mournful aspect , as if they had bin artificially pleated upon the Kings head . The Earl of Clamorgan could not endure the sight , but straightway commanded the nest to be pulled down , the materials of which was such , as never any bird builded her nest with , viz. White thorn : the story being related to the Marquess of Worcester , after some pause he said , that is the nick-name , which the Round-heads use to give to the Bishops : and none about him guessing at his meaning , he said , as I take it , they used to call the Bishops Magpies , whom they reproach for building their nests in the Crown , then came the Presbyterian Jackdaws , and beat them out , and the next thing that you shall see , will be the Independant , Buzzards , which drive them away , and who comes next God knows : but asking further , whether it was an open or an Imperial Crown , answer being made that it was open , O then , said the Marquess , that was the reason the Kings Crown was too open , had it been close at top with the Cross over head , such unlucky birds could never have come there to have built their nests . 87. Antisthenes being asked of one , what Learning was most necessary for mans life , answered , To unlearn that which is naught . 18. The Marquess would often say , that all the inconveniences that the frailty of humane nature was incident to fall into , ever happened through the vvant of this , Consideration had at the end of every action before ever we enterprised a beginning , viz. What then , what will be the effects of it ? 19. On the marriage of my Lord Edward Herbert , with the Earl of C●…rnarvans daughter , there happened this merry passage or mock-wedding , as an ecco to the voices , that were heard in Hymens Chappel , between that lovely couple , who had newly left being wholly themselves by being half of each other , one pair of Lovers had no sooner united two hearts in one , and had seated themselves by one of the many properties belonging unto the honourable state of matrimony , viz. the board , but one Thom. Deputy , an old Bachellour , chanced to cast his eye upon a pretty piece of waiting woman , one of the appurtenances to this honourable Bride , he this jovial Them , having whetted his wits by the sides of the marriage bowl , fixes upon being enabled sufficiently thereby to follow any humour , as a fit subject to make their Ladiships some sport , which happened to be so suitable to the occasion , and so well performed , that it soon captivated the ears also of all the Masculine Nobility , thus incountring the fair Bride , Madam , you have the prettiest piece of necessity yonder at the side Table , that I know not how any man can be without her , that may have her for asking , Madam , will you give her me ? I protest I will marry her , & fancy my self to be a Lord , & her self a Lady , My mind to me a kingdom is , which shall make her a sufficient Jomture , Thom. Thom. said the Marquess , such men as you and I , whose joints are enfeebled with the strokes of many years , must not think to win young maids , by promising to make Jointures of the mind , but will you make her Deputy of Deputy Hall , and Landlady of all the Land that is belonging to it , & mistris of all the stock that is upon the Land , and goods that is within the house , and then you shall hear what my daughter and her woman will say unto you ? With all my heart said Thom. and all the hogs and Poultry that are about the house to boot , & she shall lie upon six Feather-beds the first night . Why then it shall be a match , said the Lady . With all myheart , give me your hand Madam , sayes Deputy , I will have her , if there be no more necessary evils in the world , and presently makes his addresses to the pretty little Gentlewoman of the said Table , who had heard all the Discourse , and was perswaded then upon his approach to answer his humour with a condescention at the first word , and informed , that he was an old rich whoreson , he accosting her after this manner , This pretty moppet , now thy Lady hath given her consent that I shall have thee , if thou sayest so too , we will be in bed as soon as they . With all my heart , and thank you too , said the young Gentlewoman , By my troth , a match said he , give me thy hand , 't is done , I will break such a jest this day , as I never broke in my life . But do not break your prom se , said the Gentlewoman . What before all this company , said Thom. that were a shame . Up he goes again to the Lady , and tells her that they were agreed . My Lady drank to him upon the same condition , he pledgedher , & wished thewine might be his poison if he did not marry her after dinner ; the Lady willing to prefer her woman to such a fortune , held him to his word , and required performance of his promise , giving her many and high commendations . Thom. went not from any part of his promise , only the time excepted , and that in regard he meant to buy himself some wedding cloaths . The Marquess willing to remove that obstacle , told him that he thought his cloaths would fit him , and bid him go into his wardrobe , and take what he had a mind to . Give me your key said Thom , it was delivered unto him . Up went he , and then came down with his Beaver hat , Sattin cloak , said with plush , daub●…d with a gold & silver lace suit of the same , silkstockings , with roses and garters suitable , inside and outside , cap a-pe , all as brave , as if he carried a Lordship on his back . The Lady Bride takes her woman aside , and dresseth her in one of her newest and richest gowns , with all things answerable thereto , not without some store of sleight jewels , and brings her down as glorious as the morp , that breaks from the Eastern hill , and chases night away , they look upon one another , and all upon them both , Thom. cries out , I had best be in good earnest , said my Lady , I thought you had been in sober sadness , you will not now make us take all this pains for nothing , No by no means , said he , if ever we repent , we will sell our fine cloaths & buy cattel , it is better being a Lord for a week , than a slave for ever . Come thy wayes , Happy is that wrong , that is not long a doing . Married they were in the greatest pomp and Ceremony , and the Queen of beauty took delight in loosing the eyes of the vulgar , which by this time was altogether fixed on the Lady of the May. Thom. acted his Scene of mirth in the Hall , which proved to be a thing of that convenience , as if it had been an act of some set policy to keep the crowd out of the Parlour , that the Marquess might have room enough to dance in . At last when the Masque was ended , and time had brought in Supper , the Cushion led the dance out of the Parlour into the Hall , and saluted the old new made Bridegroom and his Lady , leading them into a Parlour , to a Table which was furnished with the same allowance that was allotted for all the Nobles , where they were soon forced to sit down , first Thom. taking upon him , as much as they could give him , in fine , Supper being ended , the Marquess of Worcester asked the Lady , his daughter , if she had an hundred pounds about her , she answered , No my Lord , but I can send for as much , I pray do said the Marquess , but it must be all in gold . She sent for it , and presented it to her father , who pulled out another purse of an hundred pieces , and put the two hundred pieces into a basin , saying , Madam , if you do not give earnest , Deputy will tell you in the morning , that he married your woman but in jest . Whereupon some gave fifty , others forty , some gave twenty , others ten , the least gave five pieces , who fate at the Table , in all seven hundred pounds , the apparel and other gifts amounting to no less a value , than one thousand pounds , which so transported the old man , that he protested , that now he was in the humour , he would marry all the waiting Gentlewomen that they had , one every day in the week , as long as the wedding lasted , My Lord Marquess replyed . I , but Thom. you have left , out one thing that you should have said , viz. at this rate , not to be too tediòus . The man , what with bounty , and what with that , which was as free to every man as were their purses unto him ( which was good wine ) was not himself , when he should have gone tobed to another , which being related to my Lord , his Lordship took an occasion to tell the company the story of the beggar , who was made believe he did but dream of the happiness that was really acted ; & thereupon the Marquess was desirous to make experiment , whether it could be related in the person of old Thomas , in order whereunto he gave command , that my friend Thomas should be disrobed of his new wedding garment , the rest of his fine cloaths taken from him , and himself carried unto his old Lodging in the Porters Lodge , and his wife to respite the Solemnization of the marriage-bed until his comportment should deserve so fair an admission : which was done accordingly , the next morning made the experiment to answer the height of all their expectations ; for news was brought unto the Marquess , all the rest of the Lords and Ladies standing by , that Thom. took all yesterdayes work but for a dream , or at least seemed to do so , to humour the fancy I should be endless , if I should relate unto you the sport that this fellow made . To conclude , the Marquess called them both before him , and delivered unto them the money , with many good exhortations to them both , moralizing upon the premises . 20. The Marquess talking of an old drunken fellow , who having used his body to disorder in drinking all his life t●…me , at last giving it over , presently dyed , Oh , said the Marquess , if you take a brand out of the fire , that is throughly burnt it will fall in pieces , but if you let it lie there still , it may remain a pretty while before it turn to ashes . 21. Doctor Baliy , walking one day with his Lordship in a private walk , that was about the round Tower , and there esping where a bird had made her nest , whom they disturbed from hatching her young ones , and sitting upon her eggs , which act of nature my Lord compared unto the manner of the Creation ; for said he , God having made his nest in the world , and brought forth his young at first imperfected , did by his spirit breath , and by his wings of providence spread over them , he gave them life and power , and by his word he brake the shell , and so the world was gloriously peopled . 22. They are fools , quoth the Marquess , who because it is said , Examine your selves and come , will not communicate , till they be as they think perfect , forgetting , that Christ came into the world , not for the healthful , but sick , and that we come unto that Table to be refreshed with that spiritual food , bringing nothing with us , but a purpose to amend . 23. On a Discourse of the several windings and turnings that have been in the compass of twelve years : he thus delivered himself , that every age breeds some exorbitant spirits , who turn the edge of their own sufficiency upon whatsoever they can devour in their own ambitious apprehensions , seeking rather a name , than a good fame , and holding it the chiefest honour to be thought the wonder of the times , which if they attain unto , is but in the condition of monsters , that are generally much admired , but more abhorred . 24. During the Siege of Ragland , there came a musquet bullet in at the window of the withdrawing room , where my Lord was used to entertain his friends with his pleasant Discourses after Dinners and Suppers , which glancing upon a little marble pillar of the window , and from thence hit the Marquess upon the side of the head , and fell down flatted upon the Table , which breaking the pillar in pieces , it made such a noise in the room , that the Countess of Glamorgan who stood in the same window , ran away , as if the house had been falling down upon her head , crying out , O Lord , O Lord ; but finding her self more afraid than hurt , she returned back again , no less excusing her self , as she was pleased to call it rudeness to her father , than acknowledging her fears to all the company : to whom the Marquess said , Daughter , you had reason to run away , when your father was knockt on the head , and pausing some while , and turning the flatted bullet round with his finger , he further said , Gentlemen , Those who had a mind to flatter me , were wont to tell me , that I had a good head-piece in my younger dayes , but if I do not flatter my self , I think I have a good head-piece in my old age , or else it would not have been Musquet proof . 25. One was telling the Marquess how strangely Doctor Baily his Chaplain escaped a shot , by the bar of a Window , looking out into the Leaguer , as thus , Standing in a window of the Castle , there came a musquet bullet , & hit falling against the edge of an iron bar of a Chamber Window , so that it parted the bullet in two , the bar exspatiating it self by degrees towards the middle , one half of the bullet flew on the one side , & the other half on the other side , so that by Gods providence no harm was done . The Marquess hearing this , asked in whose chamber it was , his Chaplain told him , his Lordship said , that the Window of that chamber was cross-barrrd , and you will never believe me how safe it is to stand before the Cross when you face your enemy . 26. The Marquess on a Discourse of images related this story of a Papist , being opposed by a Protestant , that they had no Scripture for images , answered , yes , for you read , that the people laid their sick in the streets , that the shadow of Saint Peter might come upon them , and that a shadow was an image , and the obscurest of images . 27. Talking upon occasion of Christs miracles , viz. of his turning water into wine , and of the five loaves and two fishes , Why said the Marquess , these Miracles he works amongst us every day , but that they are so ordinary unto us , that we take no notice of them , God sends rain upon the earth , this water gets up into the vine , and the sap of the vine tree God turneth into wine , and as few grains of corn as will make five loaves , being sowed in the earth , will multiply & increase to such advantage as will feed 5000 with bread , and two fishes will bring forth so many fishes as will suffice so many mouths . 28. There was an old rich usurer and for●…icator , who had a plot upon the body and estate of a handsom young widow , and an inheritrix of an estate , which the old Miser thought rather convenient than great enough for him ; wherefore having a mind rather to enjoy than have her , and knowing that she was in Debt , courted her with offering to leave her monies , as an argument of his affection , which she accepted of , offering to bindher estate for repaymen●… hoping that the tye of his person would be a freedom of her estate : thus with his money , he got his foot into hereestate , and by a false promise slept into her bed , as often as he had a mind to lye doubly . Six years he staved her off , who bed-staved him in , within her own sleeping room , but at last , that she might be sure of the substance , she urged him to the Ceremony , and that so much , that at last he gave her a flat denial , wherupon she flatly denies him the former familiarity , he seizes upon her estate and answers , the kindness of he●… admittance of him into her own bed , with the Discourse of turning her out of her own doors : She makes the Marquess her friend , declaring unto him how much she had been abused by him , and withal that she was willing to pay him his money , but not the use of it , as he required : The Marquess sends for this whoreson , and offered himself a mediatour , the man was unwilling to that , yet knew not well how to deny him : which the Marquessperceiving , called him aside , and bid him get her to be bound with him in a bond of five hundred pounds , to stand to such an award as he should make between them , promising him faithfully , that he would award-him use upon use . O my Lord , said he , if you do so , I shall be much obliged to your Honour , and will be bound with all my heart , and will send you a couple of the bravest colts of your Lordships own breed , as any is in the Countrey . Well , well , said the Marquess , let it be so . Then all was done accordingly , and when the business was examined , & found to be as was before related , the Marquess made this award , viz. Sir said he , to the man , she hath had the use of your money so long , and you have had the use of her body so long , and there is use upon use ; so I have allowed you what I promised . 28. The Marquess on a Discourse of Temptation thus delivered himself , that we pray in vain to God to save us from temptation , if at every occasion we run into it : Like one who voluntarily sticks in the dirt , and cries for help from those that pass by . 29. Thales said , that life and death was all one : one that was present asked him , Why do not you dye then ? Thales said again , because they are all one . And being further asked , how a man should order his life , answered , as if a man should live long , or die quickly . 30. There was a great man in the Kings Army , between whom and the house of Ragland there was at this time animosity , the Marquess of Worcester had heard , how that this party should cast a dubious saying , as the case then stood , viz. that he intended to take Ragland in his way , and was so far good as his word , as that he marched into the Park , & there drew up his men , and faced the Castle , whereupon the Line was man'd , and Command was given , that none should be suffred to come near the Line , which Command was so observed , that some of the Officers of the Army approaching within the place prohibited , the Centinel bid stand , they did not , the Centinel called to them again to stand , they refused , the Lieutenant called upon the Centinel to fire , the Centinel preferring the knowledge of his friends before his duty to his Officer , did not give fire , but swore he would give fire if they would not stand , whereupon one of them told him , that it was such a General , and wondred that the Officer would bid the Souldier give fire upon him , the General forthwith coming to the drawbridge , and desired to speak with the Lord Charls , whom he no sooner faluted , but required satisfaction for the affront , he was desired to come into the Castle , and told that the matter should be examined before him , and if any affront was given , he should receive satisfaction : whereupon being come within the Castle , the Lieutenant was sent for , who told the General , that though he knew him to be a General , yet as a Souldier he was not to take any notice of him , until such time as he had declared himself , which when he did , he respected him accordingly : & further said that rewards he had seen given on the like occasion , but never knew it a fault before : all this would not serve , but the General said he was affronted , and must have satisfaction , and so took his leave . The Marquess of Worcester sleeping upon his bed all this while , and not dreaming of any of all this that had hapned in the interim , hearing the whole Relation , he askt all the Officers , whether the Lieutenant had offended , they unanimously answered no , and commended him for what he had done ; then said the Marquess , this is but a pretence , they have a mind to quarrel with us ; therefore I will send him to the General , and a Guard with him of such Souldiers as are able to witness the truth of it , and let him try him at his Councel of War , and see what Law he hath for it , and so we shall break the neck of the quarrel , and so said the Lieutenant I shall be hanged by the neck for my labour . Whereat the Marquess replyed , What friends hast thou in the Garison ? The Lieutenant made answer , I have a wife and a daughter : then said the Marquess with some vehemence , I protest unto thee , if they hang thee , I will marry thy wife , and provide for thy daughter . The Lieutenant replyed , I had rather you would marry my daughter , and provide for me ; I protest said the Marquess , I will marry thy daughter , and I will provide for thee an honourable grave , but you shall be hanged first . My Lord , said the Lieutenant , shall I bespeak my grave ? thou shalt said the Marquess ; then said the Lieutenant , I will be laid in the vault in Ragland Church , betwixt your father , and your Grandfather , and I pray God I may be hanged before I see you again ; and so flung out of the room , leaving my Lord in a most merry vein , as possibly could be , who remembring himself sent him five pieces to bear his charges . The Lieutenant being brought to the General at Monmouth , the General dismissed him of his Guard , and sent him to Hereford with an oath at his heels , that he would hang him , if there were no more men in England ; then the Lieutenant cryed out , This makes for us , I do but think how finely I shall lie between the two old Earls , and how finely the old Earl will lie between my daughters two young legs : the particulars whereof being brought to the Marquess , the Marquess was not a little perplext between fear of having his new Mistris , & losing his old friend , which he had run himself into between jest and earnest , but the greatest sport of all was , concerning the hopeful Lady Marquess , who was ever and anon enquiring and asking many questions concerning the Marquess , whom she never saw , what manner of man he was , how old , whether he went with a staff , or no ? What was the reason he kept his chamber so much , and did not come abroad ? Sometimes , what diseases he had ? and how long it was ago since his Lady died ? with many other necessary questions to be asked by a woman in her condition : nevertheless , it stood the Marquess upon to be sollicitous in the business , being so prest between two strong Passions , Love and Pity , and so he sends immediately to Hereford , where making some sport of the business there , the Lieutenant at last was brought home to his Wife and Daughter , who ever after was called , my Lady Marquess . 32. Discoursing before the Marquess concerning the error of the Manichees , who held there were two causes of Heaven and earth , viz. that the good and white God made the heaven , and man from the middle upward , and the black and evil God was the efficient cause of the earth , and of man from the middle downwards , that was but a foolish conceit said the Marquesse , for Gods power and wisdom is shown and seen , as well in an Ant as in an Elephant , as well in a worm as in an Angel , so his Godhead and might appears as well in the earth , as in the heavens , but methinks it had been a pretty fancy , and not far from truth or reason , if they had held that Heaven and Earth had been as man and Wife , or male and female , seeing the Heavens were made as the male part of the world , by whose influence , motion and dews , the earth as the female part thereof out of her womb brings forth all necessary and living creatures . 33. On a Discourse of Necromancy , the Marquess thus delivered himself , that as none can be Scholars in a School , and not be subject to the Master thereof : So none can study and put in practise the Circles and Art of Magick , without committing a horrible defection from God. 34. The Marquesse was of a disposition alwaies inclinable to charitable constructions , which suffered him not to want excuses , or fome cloak or other to throw over any mans imperfections . There was a Gentleman of high desert , who chanced in the Marquess his hearing to come under the lash of some mens ceasures . Alas Gentlemen , said the Marquess , Will you have corn to grow without ch●…ffe , or light to be without its adjoyning darkness , or the sweetest hony without unsavoury wax , or the pleasant wines , or liquors without their Lees and Dregs ? As soon shall corn gr●… without chaffe , as a man of his parts shal●… be free from vain gl●…ry ; worthless chaffe keeps the corn warm , and vain glory fires him to all those brave atchieviments . If you set a man on his horse , le him have his spurs . 35. It was ordinary with the Marquess to entertain Discourse with every man according to the condition and profession he was of , and most commonly from the beginning of his Discourse , you should never know what the end would be , taking delight to deceive the expectation of his Auditor : Upon a time , there was presented unto him a Lawyer , and he was informed hefore-hand how excellent a man he was in his profession ; the Marquess thought with himself how he might pose him , and being brought in with other Gentlemen , after they had dined he was presented unto the Marquess . Sir , said the Marquess , I have received a very good character of you , they say you are very learned in the Law , I would very fain ask you one question , Any thing my Lord , said the Lawyer , that lies within my poor ability . I pray , said the Marquess , who was the first man that ever had a Dedimus potestatem granted unto him ? the Lawyer was so confounded , that he knew not what to say for a long time : at last he made a long and learned discourse concerning the original of that Writ , and the Marquess gave him the hearing , but when he had done , he told him , that hè came far short of the original thereof ; for Adam was the first , that ever had fulness of power granted unto him , viz. when God gave him power to subdue the earth , and to have dominion over every living creature . The Lawyer thankt his Lordship , and told him , that he thought the Law had not been so antient . Antient , said the Marquess , there was the beginning of all your Courts of Justice , but I see you are but a common Lawyer that cannot derive your Pedigree from thence . 36. Aeneas Silvius said , to which the Marquess assents , That the Christian faith and Law , though it had not been confirmed by miracles , yet was most worthy to be received for the honesty therof . 37. There was a new married couple presented before the Marquess , the Bride a goodly proper woman , her face well feitured , an excellent eye she had , but was pitifully disfigured with the small Pox : the Marquess looking much upon her , and saying nothing to her a long while , we all knew that Silence was in labour for some notable Production , at last he advanceth toward the young Bride , and asked he Gentlewoman , Do you know why it is said , that God Almighty created man and builded woman ? the Gentlewoman somewhat out of countenance , answered , No indeed , my Lord : The Marquess asked her again , Do you know why you women are called Housewives ? I think my Lord said the Bride , because good wives should keep at home , and not gad abroad . It is a good answer said the Marquess , but not the right , for women may be bad wives at home as well as abroad . The answer to my first question is , women are not said to be made as Adam was , which only signifies plain work , but to be built , which signifies curiosity and co●…trivance , and therefore as to my second question , a woman is called a housewife , because she is a house out of which all the Royal Families of Kings and Emperors derive their extract : neither are you only compared unto houses , but unto Cities , Kingdoms , Churches , and Common-wealths . But do you know what house you are like ? No indeed my Lord , said the Bride , why then I will tell you , when God builded the first woman , he made her his storehouse wherein he laid up all the race of mankind , wherewith he replenishad the whole earth , but I must tell you Lady , God Almighty did not make you coaches nor waggons , that you should alwaies be gadding abroad . Whereat the Bridegroom made answer , My Lord , I think you for this , I hope my wife will remember it . My Lord , said the young Bride , you will read such a lecture to my husband , that he will never let me go abroad : O Lady said the Marquesse , he must not debar you of that liberty , provided , that you will never go abroad , but when you go like the Snail , who seldom stirs abroad , but whilst that blessing the dew of Heaven is upon the earth , that she may gather benefit , and by her greatest care , and equal management , still carrys here house upon her back . O my Lord said she , if I should go abroad like the Snail , I should carry a house upon my back , and horns in my forehead . No Lady said the Marquess , though she forks at you , yet they are no horns , the Snail can soon draw them in if you touch them , which no horned creature can perform , but she carrys them in her head , to teach you what you should provide & bear in your mind against you go to hay-making : but the Marquess fearing that he had a little displeased her , he thought to make her amends by the following discourse . Sir , said he to the Bridegroom , you know I have compared your wife to a building , and I must commend your choice , for said he , alluding to her disfigurement , a goodly house must not be chosen by the smoothness or whiteness of the wall , for such an one may be but a dairy-house , or a milk-house , nor according to the colours or painting on the outside , for such an one may be but a Tavern or an Alehouse ; but if I see a house that is lofty and stately built , and have fair windows though the outside be but rough cast , yet I am sure there are goodly rooms within : and so both parties were well pleased . 38. It was told the Marquess that such a Romane Catholick , being sorely prest to take the oath of Supremacy , and being acquainted with another Gentleman that was a Protestant , and so like unto him that you could hardly distinguish them whilst they were together , much less asunder , this his image , as if Nature had chosen him to be his Representative , as the others part , the right stone being pulled out , and a counterseit set in the right Ring , and what with the likeness of his countenance and his apparel , he passed for currant , which jest my Romane thought so good , that he must needs brag of it to the Marquess , but the Marquess no way liked it , asking him , Would you put another upon that which you would not do your self ? What if the Devil , ( you two being so alike one another ) should mistake you for him , I assure you he would go near to marre the conceit . 39. Vespasian asked of Apollonius what was the cause of Neroes ruine ; who answered , That Nero could tune the harp well , but in G●…vernment he did alwayes wind up the strings too high , or let them down too low . 40. T●…ere was a young and beautiful Lady , who was shewing the Marquess , that the colours that hung off such a Tower , was one of the curtains of her bed . To which my Lord replied , Madam , I would you would set that little boy that uses to stand behind the curtain , on the top of that Tower , that we may see whether or no he would drive away all those men with his bow and arrows . To which the Lady replied . Cupid never raised a siege in his life , but he hath taken many a strong hold : then said the Marquess , I will tell you how you shall make yours impregnable . How my Lord , said the Lady ? the Marquess said unto her , whensoever you see a handsom young man be sure you shut your eyes , or else he will take the Fort of your Virginity , flying in at your Windows . 41. The Marquess highly commended Queen Elizabeth's wisdom and prudence , thereupon relating this story , Queen Elizabeth being to resolve upon a great Officer , and being by some that canvased for others , put in some doubt of that person whom she meant to advance , called for Mr. Bacon , and told him , she was like one with a Lanthorn , seeking for a man , and seeming unsatisfied in the choice she had of men for that place . Mr. Bacon answered her , that he had heard , that in old time there was usually painted on the Church walls the day of Doom , and God sitting in Judgement , and St. Michael by him with a pair of Ballances , and the Soul , and the good deeds in one Ballance , and the ●…aults and evil deeds in the other , and the souls Ballance went up far too light : then was our Lady painted with a great pair of Beads , casting them into the light Ballance to make up the weight : So he said , place and authority which was in her hands to give , was like our Ladies Be●…ds , which though men , through divers imperfections were too light before , yet when they were cast in made weight competent . 42. There was an old servant of my Lords , who would needs make a young Captain ; and at last took an opportunity to shew himself an arrant coward . This Captain upon a time , was to command a party to go out to make a mock salley , but as soon as ever he came within sight of the enemy , he squatted upon his belly behind the refuse of an old Brick-kill , for which his behaviour he was laughed at sufficiently : after that he came into the Castle , some there were who told this unto the Marquess , who being willing to bring his old servant off with better credit , than he had brought off himself , told them , I thought I had heard you say , that it was a mock Salley , to which they answered , that it was so , then said the Marquess , If it was but a mock salley , he can be but a mock coward , if you had been in earnest , it may be he would not have played the fool in jest . 43. The Marquess was one day reading of us a Lecture of patience in our adversity : amongst the rest of those witty sayings , which came from him , he told us that there was nothing so bad , but was good for something ; for said he , if there were no silence , there would be no Musick ; for the sudden stops which are in Musick add to the grace and perfection of the Art. Ignorance is a spur to knowledge , darkness a Pavilion to the Almighty . A Cabbin or drawn chamber for us to sleep in . A Dungeon for the Judge to punish his Delinquents , and a foil for the Painter to make his shadows : so are afflictions good for our instructions , and adversities for our amendments . 44. The Marquess had a new servant to wait upon him , who had the ill luck to think himself wiser than he was thought by others , insomuch that upon an occasion , he told the Marquess , that he was not wise in such a thing , and that if he were as the Marquess , he would do so and so : the Marquess hearing of him made him this gentle reply , Truly , if I knew where to find a servant , that were wiser than his Master , I would give gold for such an one , but to have a servant that thinks himself wiser than his Master , for such an one I would not give a rush . 45. On a Discourse of vain glory , the Marquess related this story , That Archidamus King of Lacedemon , having received from Philip King of Macedon proud Letters , after the said Philip had won a victory over the Athenians , writ back to him , That if he measured his own shadow , he should find it no longer now , than it was before his victory . 46. When it was told the Marquess , that some would warrant him , that if he would , he might be Duke of Somerset , he made them this reply , When I was Earl of Worcester I was well to live , since I was a Marquess I am worse by one hundred thousand pounds , and if I should be a Duke , I should be an arrant beggar ; wherefore I had rather if I might go back again to my Earld●…m , than at this Rate keep on my pace to the Dukedom of Somerset . 47. At the beginning of the long Parliament , there were certain Rusticks who came unto Ragland Castle to search the Castle for arms , my Lord being a Papist : the Marquess met them at the Castle gate , and desired to know whether they came to take away his mony , seeing they intended to disarm him ; they answered no , but what they did , was because he was a Recusant , he said he was a Peer of the Realm , and no convict Recusant , and therefore the Law could not in reason take notice of any such things , and further , some sharp and dubious words coming from the Marquess , they were at last willing to take his word , but the Marquess not willing to part with them on such easie terms , having before resolved to return them one fright for another , which he thus effected ; having carried them up and down the Castle , he at length brought them over a high bridge that arched over the Moat , that was between the Castle and the great Tower , wherein the Lord Herbert had lately contrived certain water-works , which when the several Engins and Wheels were to be set a going , much quantity of water through the hollow conveyances of the aquaeducts were to be let down from the top of the high Tower , which upon the first entrance of these wonderful Asinegoes , the Marquess had given order that these catarrhacts should begin to fall , which made such a fearful and hideous noise , by reason of the hollowness of the Tower , and the neighbouring ecchoes of the Castle , and the waters that were between , and round them both , that there was such a roaring as if the mouth of Hell had been wide open , and all the Devils had been conjured up , that the poor silly men stood so amaz'd , as if they had been half dead , and yet they saw nothing : At last as the plot was laid , up comes a man staring , & running , crying out before he came at them , Lock to your selves my Masters , for the Lions are got loose : whereupon the searchers gave us such a loose , that they tumbled so over one another down the stairs , that it was thought one half of them had broken their necks , never looking behind them till they were sure they had got out of sight of the Castle . 48. There was a Colonel , who came unto the Marquess after the Castle was delivered , whom the Marquess very well received until such time , as the Colonel desired reparation of certain losses which he had sustained by his son Clamorgan , the Marquess prayed him not to call him to an account for other folks , for he had enough to do to answer for himself : whereupon the Colonel clapt his hat upon his head , and sate himself down in a chair of State , which was upon my Lords right hand , which the Marquess observing , gently said unto one of his servants , I pray reach him the footstool . 49. After much conference betwixt the Marquess , and General Fairfax , wherein many things were requested of the General by the Marquess , and being as he thought himself happy in the attainment , his Lordship was pleased to make a merry Petition to the General as he was taking his leave , viz. in the behalf of a couple of pigeons , which were wont to come to his hand , and feed out of it constantly , in whose behalf he desired the General that he would be pleased to give him his Protection for them , fearing the little command that he should have over his Soldiers in that behalf . To which the General said , I am glad to see your Lordship so merry . Oh said the Marquess , you have given me no other cause , and as hasty as you are , you shall not go until I have told you a story . There were two men going up Holborn in a Cart to be hanged , one of them being very merry and jocond , gave offence unto the other , who was as sad and dejected , insomuch as that the downcast man said unto the other , I wonder brother that you can be so frolick , considering the business that we are going about . Tush , answered the other , thou art a fool , thou wentest a thieving , and never thought what would become of thee , wherefore being on a sudden surprized thou fallest into such a shaking fit , that I am ashamed to see thee in that condition , whereas I was resolved to be hanged before ever I fell to stealing ; which is the reason , nothing happening strange , or unexpected , I go so composed unto my death : so said the Marquess , I resolved to undergo whatsoever , even the worst of evils that you were able to lay upon me , before ever I took up arms for my Soveraign , and therefore wonder not that I am so merry . 50. There was a Romane Catholick , who had been converted unto the Protestant Religion , and giving the Marquess of Worcester a visit , the Marquess questioned him very seriously concerning his revolt , and the ground of his disertion ; the Convert told him , that the ground of his departure from the Church of Rome , was because she had departed from her self . You say very well said the Marques , but how do you prove that ? to which demand the convert made this reply , viz. the Scriptures tell me so : whereupon the Marquess called for a Bible , giving command it should be a Bible cum privilegio Regis , which being brought unto him , he said unto the Gentleman , I will see whether it wil tell me any such thing , and holding it in his hands a pretty while , at last he opened the Bible , and held it open as long , then he protested unto the afresaid Gentleman , that the Bible told him no such matter , and that he believed it to be so ful of truth , & sincerity , and that it respected the salvation of mens souls so much , that if there were any such thing , it would in charity ( with which it was so fully fraught ) do no less than acquaint him also with it . To which the Gentleman replied : My Lord , it is not the letter , cover or paper that tells me so , it is the sense & meaning . I cry you mercy said the Marquess , who shall be judge of the meaning , you or I ? to whom the Gentleman gave his Lordship this answer , who comes nearest the truth . Then said the Marquess , how should we know who comes nearest the truth ? we shall know that said the Gentleman by the word it self . I have told you said the Marquess , that the word it self sayes nothing : then said the Gentleman , there is a perswasive spirit that directs every man & leads them into all truth who are seekers of her meerly for love of her self . Indeed said the Marquess , I have heard of such a Sect that is newly sprung up , who go under the name of Seekers , but I had rather be on the finders side . To which the Gentleman made answer . Seek & ye shall find . To which my L. replied , you must have day-light , or candle-light , or else your eys will do you no good : the Gentleman made answer , that Christ was so easie to be found of all that sought him , that if we did but grope after him , we should find him . I said the Marquess , you say wel , but not when there is a light in the room ; & thereupon the Marquess entred upon a large discourse , perswading the gentleman to return to his mother again , whose arms were always open ready to embrace all that should return into her bosom , to whom the gentleman said if I should turn now I should be despised on all sides . Oh , said the Marquess , if that be all , then all is nothing , for what can any man say more to you , than this , you have been abroad , and you are come home again ? 51. The time being come , that the Prophecy of Henry of Windsor must now fit the fatal destiny of Henry of Ragland , like a thunder-bolt , that splits downwards from the higher to the lower branch of the same tree , viz. that he should live long , and lose all that Garison , had the honour to make good the rear hope for a time , when the main body of the whole Kingdom was quite forlorn ; and in her last fortunate and successfully sally , like a dying Taper to make one great blaze before she went out , in which exploit some of her Gentlemen were so gallant , as to bring home Trophies of her victories , Colours , which were no sooner dishevelled , but they spread to gather with themselves the praises of these takers , these being presented to the Marquess , he turned away his face , saying , These are no natural colours , they are but borrowed , intimating how unnatural the war was , and how soon these Colours must be restored . 52. When it was told his Lordship not long before he dyed , that leave was obtained by the Parliament , that he might be buried in Windsor Castle , within the great Chappel , and wherein divers of his Ancestors lie buried , with some sprightliness he spake aloud , God bless us all , why then I shall take a better Castle when I am dead , then they took from me whilst I was alive . 53. The Marquess a little before he dyed , having addressed himself to the House of Peers , and having found very hard usage from them , broke forth into these expressions . Oh said he , When the Noblest and highest element , Courts the noise of their Waves , the ●…ruest Emblem of the madness of the people , and when the highest Region stoops unto the lower , and the lowest gets up into the highest seat , What can be expected but a Chaos of confusion and desolation of the universe ? I do believe , that they are so near unto their end , that as weak as I am , there is Physick to be had , if a man could find it to prolong my days , that I might outlive their honours . Not many hours before he died , reflecting upon the Articles that he had waived upon the Surrender of Ragland into the Parliaments hands , Ah Doctor said he , to Doctor Baily , If I had made use of the Articles , which you had procured in my behalf , I had not been now so near unto the end of my life , and the beginning of my happiness , I forsook life , liberty & estate which I might have had , and threw my self upon their mercy , which when I had done , if to seise upon all my goods , to pull down my house , to sell my estate , and to send for up such a weak body , as mine was , so enseebled by diseases in the dead of winter , and the Winter of mine age , be merciful , What are they whose mercies are so cruel ? Neither do I expect that they should stop at all this , for I fear they will persecute me after death : you tell me , that when I am dead , you will petition the Parliament for money to bury me , then will they appoint those who will dispose of the time and manner of my burial ; and you shall see , that they ( being it is so near the good time ) will cause me to be buried according to the directory in spight of Christmas day upon Christmas : and so they did . APOPHTHEGMS OF THE LORD BACON HEnry the fourth of France his Queen was great with Child , Count Soisons that had his expectations upon the Crown , when it was twice or thrice thought , that the Queen was with Child before , said to some of his friends , that it was but a pillow , this had some waies come to the Kings ears , who kept it till when the Queen waxed great , and then called the Count of Soisons to him , and said , laying his hands upon the Queens belly , Come Cousin , it is no pillow : Yes Sir , answered the Count Soisons , it is a pillow for all France ●…o sleep upon . 2. Pace the bitter fool , was not suffered to come at the Queen , because 〈◊〉 his bitter humour , yet at one time some pressed the Queen , that he should come to her , undertaking for him , th●… he should keep compass , so he wa●… brought to her , and the Queen said Come on Pace , now we shall hear 〈◊〉 our faults , saith Pace , I do not use talk of that , that all the Town talks of . 3. My Lord of Essex at the Ste●… of Rhoan made twenty four Knights , wh●…ch at that time was a great matter ; divers of those Gentlemen were of wer●… and small means , which when Queen Elizabeth heard , she said , My Lord mi●… have done well to have built his Alms here before he made his Knights . 4. A great Officer in France was 〈◊〉 danger to have lost h●…s place , but h●… Wife by her ●…it and means making made his peace , whereupon a pleasa●… fellow said , that he had been crusht , 〈◊〉 that he saved himself upon his h●…rns . 5. Caesar Borgia after long devisi●… between him and the Lords of Romagn●… sell to accord with them , in this accor●… there was an article that he should no●… at any time call them all together 〈◊〉 person , the meaning was , that knowing his dangerous nature , if he meant them treason , some one might be free to revenge the rest , nevertheless he did with such art and fair usage win their confidence , that he brought them all together to Councel , where he murt●…ered them all , this act when it was related unto Pope Alexander , Caesar Borgias father by a Cardinal , as a thing happy , but very perfidious , the Pope said , It was they that had broke their Covenant first in coming all together . 6. Pope Julius the third , when he was made Pope , gave his hat unto a youth , a favourite of his , with great scandal , whereupon at one time a Cardinal that might be free with him , said modestly to him , What did your holiness see in that young man to make him Cardinal ? Julius answered , What did you see in me to make me Pope ? 7. The same Julius upon like occasion of speech , why he should bear so great affect on to the same young man , would say , That he found by Astrology , that it was the youths destiny to be a great Prelate , which was impossible , except himself were Pope , and therefore that he did rai●…e him , as 〈◊〉 dr●…er ●…n of his own f●…rtune . 8. Clodius was acquit by a corrupt Jury , that had palpably taken shares of money , before they gave up their verdict , they prayed of the Senate a guard , that they might do their consciences freely , for Clodius was a very seditious young Noble man , whereupon all the World gave him for condemned , but acquitted he was . Catulus the next day , seeing some of them that had acquitted him together , said to them , What made you to ask of us a guard ? were you afraid your mony should have been taken from you ? 9. Diogenes having seen that the Kingdom of Macedon , which before was contemptible , and low , began to come alost , when he died , was asked how he would be buried , he answered , With my face downward ; for within a while the world will be turned upside down , and then I shall lie right . 10. Sir Nicolas Bacon , being appointed a Judge for the Northern Circuit , and having brought his Trials that came before him to such a passe , as the passing of Sentence on Malefactors , he was by one of the Malesactors mightily importuned for to save his life , which when nothing that he had said did avail , he at length desired his mercy on the account of kindred : Prethee said my Lord Judge , how came that in ? Why , if it please you my Lord , your name is Bacon , and mine is Hog , and in all ages Hog and Bacon have been so near kindred that they are not to be separated . I but replied Judge Bacon , you and I cannot be kindred , except you be hanged ; for Hog is not Bacon until it be well hanged . 11. Two Scholars and a Countrey man travelling upon the Road , one night lodged all in one Inn , and supt together , where the Scholars thought to have put a trick upon the Countrey man which was thus ; the Scholars appointed for supper two Pigeons and a fat Capon , which being ready , was brought up , and they having sate down , the one Scholar took up one Pigeon , the other Scholar took the other Pigeon , thinking thereby that the Countrey man should have sate still until that they were ready for the carving of the Capon , which he perceiving , took the Capon , and laid it on his trencher , and thus said , Daintily contrived , every one a bird . 12. Themistocles in his lower fortune was in love with a young Gentleman , which scorned him ; when he grew to his greatness , which was soon after , the young Gentleman sought to him , but Themistocles said , We are both grown but wise too late . 13. Jack Roberts was desired by his Taylour , when the reckoning grew somewhat high , to have a Bill of his hand . Roberts said , I am content , but you must let no man know it ; when the Taylour brought him the Bill , he tore it as in choler , and said to him , You use me not well , you promised me that no man should know it , and here you have put in : Be it known unto all men by these Presents . 14. Sir Walter Raleigh was wont to say of the Ladies of Queen Elizabeths Privy Chamber , and Bed Ch●…mber , That they were like Wi●…es , they could do hurt , but they could do no good . 15. Bim that was an Athlest , was shewed in a Port City , in a Temple of Neptune , many Tables or Pictures , of such as had in Tempests made their vows unto Neptune , and were saved from shipwrack , and was asked , How say you now ; Do you not acknowledge the power of the Gods ? she said ●…o , but where are they painted , that have been drowned after their vows ? 16. Bias was sailing ; and there fell out a great Tempest , and the Marriners , that were wicked and dissolute fellows called upon their Gods , but Bias said unto them , Peace , let them not know ye are here . 17. There was a Minister deprived for inconformity , who said , to some of his friends , that if they deprived him , it should cost an hundred mens lives , the party understood it , as if being a turbulent fellow , he would have moved sedition , and complained of him , whereupon being convented and opposed upon that speech , he said his meaning was , That if he lost his benefice , he would practise Physick , and then he thought he should kill an hundred men in time . 18. Michael Angle , the famous Painter painting in the Popes Chappel , the Portraiture of Hell and damned souls , made one of the damned souls so like a Cardinal that was his enemy , as every body at first sight knew it , whereupon the Cardinal complained to Pope Clement desiring it might be defaced , who said unto him , Why , you know very well , I have power to deliver a soul out of Purgatory , but not out of Hell. 19. Alcibiades came to Pericles , and stayed a while ere he was admitted , when he came in , Pericles civilly excused it , and said , I was studying how to give my account , but Alcibiades said to him , If you will be ruled by me , study rather how to give no account . 20. Cicero was at dinner , where there was an ancient Lady that spake of her years , and said she was but forty years old , one that sate by Cicero , rounded him in the ear , and said she talks of forty years , and she is far more out of question : Cicero answered him again , I must believe her , for I have heard her say so , any time these ten years . 21. There was a Souldier , that vanted before Julius Cesar , of hurts he had received in his face : Julius Cesar knowing him to be a Coward , told him , You were left take heed next time you run away , how you look back . 22. Secretary Bourns son kept a Gentlemans wife in Shropshire , who lived from her husband with him , when he was weary of her he caused her husband to be dealt with to take her home , and offered him five hundred pounds for reparation : The Gentleman went to Sir Henry Sidney , to take his advice upon this offer , telling him , that his Wife promised now a new life ; & to tell him truth , five hundred pounds would come well with him ; and besides that sometimes he wanted a woman in his bed . By my Troth , said Sir Henry Sidney , take her home , and take the mony , then whereas other Cukolds wear their horns plain , you may near yours guilt . 23. When Rablais , the great jester of France , lay on his death bed , and they gave him the extream unction , a familiar friend of his came to him afterwards , and asked him how he did , Rablais answered , Even going my journey , they have greased my boots already . 24. When Vespasian passed from Jury to take upon him the Empire , he went by Alexandria , where remained two famous Philosophers , Apollonius , and Euphrates ; the Emperour heard them discoursing touching matters of State , in the presence of many , and when he was weary of them , he brake off in a secret der●…sion , finding their discourses , but speculative , and not to be put in practice , said , O that I might govern wise men , and wise men govern me . 25. Mr. Bromley Sollicitor , giving in evidence for a deed , which was impeached to be fraudulent , was arged by the Councel on the other side with this presumption , that in two former s●…its when Title was made , that deed was passed over in silence , and some other conveyance stood upon : Mr. Justice C●…iline taking in with that side , asked the Sollicitor , I pray thee Mr. Sollicitor , let me ask you a familiar question , I have two geldings in my Stable ; I have divers times business of importance , & still I send forth one of my Geldings and not the other , would you not think I set him aside for a Jade ? No my Lord , said Bromley , I would think you spared him for your own Saddle . 26. Alphonso Cartillo was informed by his Steward of the greatness of his expence being such as he could not hold out with , the Bishop asked him , wherein it chiefly rose , his Steward told him in the multitude of his Servants ; the Bishop bid him make a note of those that were necessary , and those that might be put off , which he did , and the B●…shop taking occasion to read it before most of his Servants , said to his Steward , Well , let these remain , because I need them , and these other , because they need me . 27. Queen Elizabeth was wont to say other instructions to get officers , That they were like to garments , strait at the first putting on , but did by and by near hose enough . 28. Thales as he looked upon the stars , fell into the water , whereupon it was after said , That if he had looked into the water he might have seen the stars , but looking up to the Stars , he could not , see the water . 29. The Book of deposing Richard the second , and the coming in of Henry the fourth , supposed to be written by Doctor Heywood , who was committed to the Tower for it , had much incensed Queen Elizabeth , and she asked Master Bacon , being then of her learned Councel , whether there were no Treason contained in it , Master Bacon intending to do him a pleasure , and to take off the Queens bitterness with a jest , answered , No Madam , for Treason I cannot deliver opinion , that there is any , but very much felony : the Queen apprehending it gladly , asked how and wherein ? Master Bacon answered , Because he had stollen many of his Sentences and conceits out of Cornelius Tacitus . 30. A man and his wife in bed together , she towards morning pretended her self to be ill at ease , desiring to lie on her husbands side , so the good man to please her came over her , making some short stay in his passage over , where she had not long lain , but desired to lie in her old place again , quoth he how can it be effected , she answered , come over me again , I had rather , said he go a mile and a half about . 31. A Thief being arraigned at the Bar , for stealing of a Mare , in his pleading urged many things in his own behalf , and at last nothing availing , he told the Bench , the Mare rather stole him , than he the Mare , which in brief he thus related , that passing over several grounds about his lawful occasions , he was pursued close by a fierce Mastive dog , & so was forced to save himself by leaping over a hedge , which being of an ag●…l body he effected , and in leaping , a Mare standing on the other side of the hedge , leaped upon her back , who running furiously away with him he could not by any means stop her until he came to the next Town , in which Town the owner of the Mare lived , and there was he taken and here arraigned . 32. Popham when he was Speaker , and the lower house had sate long , and done in effect nothing , coming one day to Queen Elizabeth , she said unto him , Now Mr Speaker , what hath passed in the lower House , he answered , If it please your Majesty seven weeks . 33. Pope Xystus the fifth , who was a poor mans Son , and his Fathers house ill thatcht , so that the Sun came in , in many places , would sport with his ignobility , and say , he was Son of an illustrious house . 34. When the King of Spain conquered Portugal , he gave a special charge to the Lieutenant , that the Souldiers should not spoil , lest he should alienate the hearts of the people . The Army also suffered much scarcity of victual , whereupon the Spanish Souldiers would afterwards say , That they had won the King a Kingdom , as the Kingdom of heaven useth to be won , by fasting and abstaining from that that is another mans . 35. Master Savill was asked his opinion touching Poets , who answered , He thought them the best Writers next to those that write Prose . 36. Master Mason of Trinity Colledge , sent his Pupil to another of the Fellows to borrow a Book of him , who told him I am loath to lend my Books out of my Chamber , but if it please thy Tutor ●…o come and read upon it in my Chamber , he shal as long as he will. It was winter , and some daies after the same Fellow sent to Mr. Mason to borrow h●…s Bellows , but Master Mason , said to his Pupil , I am loath to lend my Bellows out of my Chamber , but if thy Tutor would come and blow the Fire in my Chamber , he shall as long as he will. 37. Nero did cut a youth , as if he would have transformed him into a woman , and called him Wife : there was a Senator of Rome , that said secretly to his friend , It was pity Nero's father had not had such a Wife . 38. A notorious Rogue being brought to the Bar , and knowing his case to be desperate , instead of pleading he took to himself the liberty of jesting and thus said , I charge you in the King●… name , to seise and take away that man ( meaning the Judge ) in the red Gowns for I go in danger of my life because of him . 39. Galba succeeded Nero , and his age being much despised , there was much licence and confusion in Rome , whereupon a Senator said in full Senate , It were letter live where nothing is lawful , than where all things are lawful . 40. In Flanders by accident , a Flemish Tiler fell from the top of a house upon a Spaniard , and killed him , though he escaped himself , the next of the blood prosecuted his death with great violence , and when he was offered pecuniary recompence , nothing would serve him , but Lex talionis , whereupon the Judge said to him , That if he did urge that sentence it must be , that he should go up t●… the top of the house , and then fall down upon the Tiler . 41. Queen Elizabeth was delatory enough in suits of her own nature , and the Lord Treasurer Burleigh to feed her humour , would say to her , Madam , You do well to let Suitors stay ( for I shall tell you ) if you grant them speedily , they will c●…e again the sooner . 42. They feign a Tale of Sextus Quintus , that after his death he went to Hell , and the Porter of Hell said to him , you have some reason to offer your self to this place , but yet I have order not to receive you , you have a place of your own , Purgatory , you may go thither : so he went away , and sought Purgatory a great while , and could find no such place . Upon that he took heart and went to Heaven , and knocked , and Saint Peter asked who was there ? he said Sextus Pope , whereunto St. Peter said , why do you knock ? you have the keys , Sextus answered , It is true , but it is so long since they were given , as I doubt the wards of the lock be altered . 43. A rough hewn Seaman being brought before a wise J●…st ass , for some misdemeanour , was by him sent away to prison , and being somewhat refractory after he heard his doom , insomuch as he would not stir a foot from the place he stood , saying , it were better to stand where he was , than go to a worse place . The Justice thereupon to shew the strength of his learning , took him by the shoulder , and said , Thou shalt go Nogus vogus , instead of Nolens volens . 44. Charles King of Swedon , a great enemy of the Jesuits , when he took any of their Colledges , he would hang the old Jesuites , and put the young to his Mines , saying , That since they wrought so hard above ground , he would try how they could work under ground . 45. In Chancery , one time , when the Councel of the parties set forth the boundary of the Land in question , by the plot , and the Councel of one part said , we lie on this side my Lord , and the Councel of the other part said , we lie on this side . The Lord Chancellour Hatton stood up and said . If you lie on both sides , whom will you have ●…e to believe ? 46. Sir Amice Pawlet when he saw too much hast made in any matter , was wont to say , Stay a while that we may make an end the sooner . 47. The Deputies of the Reformed Religion , after the Massacre which was upon St. Bartholomews day , treated with the King and Queen-mother , and some other of the Councel , for a peace , both sides were agreed upon the Articles , the question was upon the security of performance , after some particulars propounded and rejected , the Queen Mother said , Why , is not the word of a King sufficient security ? One of the Deputies answered , No by Saint Bartholomew , Mad●…m . 48. When the Archduke did raise his siege from Grave the then Secretary came to Queen Elizabeth , and the Queen having intelligence first , said to the Secretary , Wot you what , the Archduke is risen from the grave ! he answered , What without the Trumpet of the Archangel ? the Queen replied , yes without sound of Trumpet . 49. Francis the first of France , used for his pleasure sometimes to go disguised : so walking one day in the company of the Cardinal of Burbon , near Paris , he met with a peasant with a new pair of shoes upon his arm ; so he called him unto him , and said , By our Lady , these be good shoes , What did ●…ey cost thee ? the Peasant said g●…esse , the King said , I think some five fols , saith the Peasant you have lied but a Carlois , What villa●…n said the Cardinal of Burbon , thou art dead , it is the King , the Peasant replyed , The Devil take him of you and me that knew so much . 50. Dionysius the tyrant after he was deposed and brought to Corinth , kept a School , many used to visit him , and amongst others , one when he came in opened h●…s Mantle , and shook his cloaths , thinking to give Dionysius a gentle scorn , because it was the manner to do so for them that came in to him whilst he was Tyrant , but Dionysius said , I pray thee do so rather when thou goest out , that we may see thou stealest nothing away . 51. Hanniball said of Fab●…us Maximus , and of Marcellus , whereof the former waited upon him , that he could make no progress in his victories , and the latter had many sharp fights with him , That he feared Fab●…us like a Tutour , and Marcellus like an enemy . 52. One was saying that his great Grandfather , and Grandfather , and Father died at Sea , said another that heard him , and I were as you , I would never come at Sea , Why saith he , where did your great Grandfather , Grandfather , and Father die ? He answered where , but in their beds ? saith the other , And I were as you , I would never come to bed . 53. Aristippus was earnest suitor to Dionysius for somewhat , who would give no ear to his suit , Aristippus fell at his feet , then Dionysius granted it , one that stood by said afterwards to Aristippus , you a Philosopher , and to be so base as to cast your self at the Tyrants feet , to get a suit , Aristippus answered , The fault is not mine , but the fault is in Dionysius , that carries his ears in his feet . 54. There was a young man in Rome , that was very like Augustus Cesar , Augustus took knowledge of him , and sent for the man , and asked him , Was your Mother never at Rome ? he answered , No Sir , but my Father was . 55. A Physitian advised his Patient that had sore eyes , that he should abstain from Wine , but the Patient said , I think rather Sir , from wine and water , for I have often marked it in blew eyes , and I have seen water come forth , but never Wine . 56. Solon when he wept for his sons death , one said to him , Weeping will not help , answered , Alas , therefore I weep , because weeping will not help . 57. Solon being asked , whether he had given the Athenians the best Laws , answered , yea , the best of those they would have received . 58. One said to Aristippus , It is a strange thing , Why should men rather give to the poor than to Philosophers ? he answered , Because they think themselves may sooner come to be poor than to be Philosophers . 59. It fell out so , that as Livia went abroad in Rome , there met her naked young men that were sporting in the streets , which Augustus was about to punish severely in them , but Livia spake for them , and said , It was no more to chast women than so many Statues . 60. A debaucht Seaman being brought before a Justice of Peace upon the account of swearing , was by the Justice commanded to deposit his Fine in that behalf provided , which was two shillings , he thereupon plucking out of his pocket a half-crown , asked the Justice what was the rate he was to pay for cursing , the Justice told him six pence , quoth he then , A Pox take you all for a company of knaves and fools , & there 's half a crown for you , I wil never stand changing of mony 61. Augustus Cesar was invited to supper , by one of his old friends , that had conversed with him in his lesse fortunes , and had but ordinary entertainment , whereupon at his going away he said , I did not know that you and I were so familiar . 62. Augustus Caesar would say , That he wondred that Alexander feared he should want work , having no more to conquer , as if it were not as hard a matter to keep , as to conquer . 63. Antigonus when it was told him , that the enemies had such vollies of arrows , that they did hide the Sun , said , That falls out well , for it is hot weather , and we shall fight in the shade . 64. Augustus Caesar did write to Livia , who was over sensible of some ill words that had been spoken of them both , Let it not trouble you my Livia , if any man speak evil of us , for we have enough , that no man can do ill unto us . 65. Agathocles after he had taken Syracusa , the men whereof during the siege had in a bravery spoken of him all the villany , that might be , sold the Syracusians for slaves , and said , Now if you use such words of me , I will tell your Masters of you . 66. Dionysius the elder , when he saw his son in many things very inordinate , said to him , Did you ever know me do such things , ? his son answered , No , but you had not a Tyrant to your Father ; the father replied , no nor you if you take these courses , will have a Tyrant to your S●…n . 67. Calisthenes the Philosopher , that followed Alexanders Court , and hated the King , was asked by one , how one should be●…me the famousest m●…n in the world , answered , by taking away him that is . 68. Sir Edward Coke was wont to say when a great man came to Dinner to him , and gave him no knowledge of his coming , Well , since you sent me no w●…rd of your coming , you shall dine with me , but if I had known of your coming , I would have dined with you . 69. Diogines begging , as divers Philosophers then used , did beg more of a prodigal man , than of the rest that were present , whereupon one said to him , See your business , that when you see a liberal mind , you will take most of him , said Diogines , but I mean to beg of the rest again . 70. Sir Nicolas Bacon being Keeper of the Seal , when Queen Elizabeth in Progress came to his house at Redgrave , and said to him , My Lord , what a little house have you gotten ? said , Madam , my house is well , but it is you that have made me too great for my house . 71. Agesilaus , when one told him there was one did excellently counterfeit a Nightingale , and would have had him heard him , said , Why , I have heard the Nightingale her self . 72. A great Nobleman upon the complaint of a servant of his , laid a Citizen by the heels , thinking to bend him to his servants desire , but the fellow being stubborn the servant came to his Lord , and told him , your Lordship I know hath gone as far , as well you may , but it works not ; for yonderfellow is more perverse than before . Said my Lord , Le ts forget him a while , and then he will remember himself . 73. One came to a Cardinal in Rome , and told him that he had brought his Lordship a dainty white Palfrie , but he fell lame by the way , saith the Cardinal to him , ●…e tell thee what thou shalt do , go to such a Cardinal , and such a Cardinal , naming him half a dozen Cardinals , and tell them as much , and so whereas by thy horse if he had been sound , thou couldst have pleased but one , with thy lame horse thou maist please half a dozen . 74. A witty Rogue coming into a lace-shop , said he had occasion for some lace , choice where of being shewed him , he at last pitched upon one pattern , and asked them how much they would have for so much as would reach from ear to ear , for so much he ●…ad occasion for , they told him for so much : so some few words passing between them , he at last agreed , and told down his mony for it , and began to measure on his own head , thus sa●…ng , One ear is here , and the other is nailed to the Pillory in Bristoll , and I fear you have not so much of this Lace by you at present as will ●…erfect my bargain ; therefore this piece of Lace shall suffice at present in part of payment , & provide the rest with all expedition . 75. Iphicrates the Athenian , in a Treaty that he had with the Lacedemoni●…ns for peace , in which question , was about security for observing the same , said , The Athenians would not accept of a●…y security , except the Lacedemonians did yield up unto them those things , whereby it might be manifest , that they could not h●●● them if they would . 76. Euripedes would say of persons that were beautiful , and yet in some years , In fairest bodies not only the spring is pleasant , but also the Autumn . 77. After a great fright there came to the Camp of Consalvo the great Captain , a gentleman proudly hors'd and arm'd , Diego de Mendiza asked the great Captain , Who 's this ? who answered , It is St. Hermes , that never appears but after a stor●… 78. There was a Captain sent to a●… exploit by his General , with forces tha●… were not likely to atchieve the enterprize , the Captain said to him , Sir , appoint but half so many , why saith the General ? the Captain answered , Because it is better fewer dye than more . 79. They would say of the Duke o●… Guise , Henry that had sold and mortgaged all his Patrimony to suffice th●… great gifts that he had made , That 〈◊〉 was the greatest Usurer of France , becaus●… all his estate was in Obligations . 80. There was a Harbenger who ha●… lodged a Gentleman in a very ill room who expostulated with him somewhat rudely , but the Harbenger carles●● said , You will take pleasure in it when yo●… are out of it . 82. There was one that died greatly in Debt , when it was reported in some company , where divers of his Cretors were , that he was dead , one began to say in good saith , then he hath carried five hundred ducates of mine with him into the other world ; and another of them said , and two hundred of mine ; and some others spake of several sums of theirs : whereupon one that was amongst them said , Well , I see now , that though a man cannot carry any of his own with him , into the other world , yet he may carry other mens . 83. Francis Carvaniel , that was the great Captain of the Rebels of Peru , had often given the chase to Diego Centeno , a principal Commander of the Emperors party , he was afterwards taken by the Emperors Lieutenant J●…soa , and committed to the custody of Diego Centeno , who used him with all possible courtesie , insomuch as Carvaniel asked him , I pray Sir , who are you that use me with this Courtesie ? Centeno said , do you not know Carvaniel●…nswered ●…nswered , in good saith , Sir , I have been so used to see your back , as I knew not your face . Carvaniel , when he was drawn to execution , being fourscore and five years old , and laid upon the hurdle , said , What young in Cradle , old in Cradle ? 84. There is a Spanish Adage , Love without end hath no end , meaning , that if it were begun not upon particular ends it would last . 85. Cato the elder , being aged , buried his wife , and married a young woman , his Son came to him and said , Sir , what have I offended you , that you have brought a step-mother into your house ? the old man answered Nay , quite contrary Son , thou pleasest me so well , that I would be glad to have more such . 86. Philip , Alexanders Father , gave Sentence against a Prisoner , at which time he was drowsy , and seemed to give small attention , the Prisoner after sentence was pronounced , said , I appeal : the King somewhat scared , said , to whom do you appeal ? the Prisoner answered , from Philip when he gave no ear , to Philip when he shall give ear . 87. The same Philip maintained an Argument with a Musician in points of his Art somewhat peremptorily , but the Musician said to him , God forbid Sir , your fortune were so hard , that you should know these things better than I. 88. There was a Philosopher that disputed with Adrian the Emperor , and did it but weakly , one of his friends that had been by , afterwards said , Methinks you were not like your self last day in argument with the Emperor , I could have answered better my self , Why ? said the Philosopher , Would you have me contend with him that commands thirty Legions ? A woman being suspected by her husband for dishonesty , and being by him at last prest very hard about it , made him quick answer with many protestations , That she knew no more of what he said , than the man in the Moon : Now the Captain of the ship called the Moon was the very man she so much loved . 89. Diogenes was asked in a kind of scorn , what was the matter that Philosophers haunted rich men , and not rich men Philosophers , he answered , Because the one knew what they wanted , the other did not . 90. Demetrius King of Macedon , would at times retire himself from business , and give himself wholly to pleasures , one day of those his retirings , giving out that he was sick , his Father Antigonus came on the sudden to visit him , and met a fair dainty youth coming out of his chamber , when Antigonus came in , Demetrius said , the Feaver left me right now . Antigonus replied , I thinkit was he that I met at the door . 91. There was a Merchant far in debt that died , his goods and houshold stuffe was set forth to sale , there was one that bought only his pillow , and said , This Pillow sure is good to sleep upon , since he could sleep that owed so many debts . 92. A Gentleman brought M●…sick to his Ladies Window , who hated him , and had warned him ost away , and when he persisted , she threw stones at him , whereupon a friend of his that was in his company said to him , What greater hon●…ur can you have to y●…ur Musick , than that stones come about you , as they did to Orpheus ? 93. When it was said to 〈◊〉 , The Athenians have condemned you to die , he said again , and Nature them . 94. Dem●…sthenes when he fled from the battel , and that it was reproached to him , said , That he that flies might fight again . 95. Antanaclidas , when an Athenian said to him , the Spartans are unlearned , said again , True , for we have learned no evil , nor vice of you . 96. Alexander when his father w●…shed him to run for the price of the race at the Olympian games , for he was very swift , said , he would , if he might run with Kings . 97. When Alexander passed into Asia , he gave large donatives to his Captains and other principal men of vertue , insomuch as Parmenio asked him , Sir what do you keep for your self ? he answered , hope . 98. Antigonus used oft to go disguised , and listen at the Tents of his Souldiers , and at a time heard some that spoke very ill of him , whereupon he opened the Tent a little , and said to them , If you will speak evil of me , you should ●…o a little further off . 99. Vespasian set a Tribute upon Urine , Tit●…s his Son emboldened himself to speak to his Father of it , and represented it as a thing ●…ndign , and fordid , Vespasian said nothing for the time , but a while after , when it was forgotten , sent for a piece of silver out of the Tribute mony , and called to his Son , bidding him smoll to lie , and asked him whether he found any offence , who said no : Why lo said Vespasian again , and yet this comes out of Urine . 100. Nerva the Emperor succeeded Domitian , who was tyrannical , so as in his time many noble houses were overthrown by false accusations , the instruments whereof were chiefly Marcellus , and Regulus the Emperor ; he one night sl●…pp'd privately with some six or seven , amongst which there was one that was a dangerous man , and began to take the like courses , as Marcellus and Regulus had done ; the Emperor fell into discourse of the injustice and tyranny of the former time , and by name of the two accusers , and said , What should we do with them if we had them na●… ? one of them that was at supper , and a free spoken Senatour said , Marry they should sup with us . 101. There was one that found a great mass of mony buried under ground in his Grandfathers house , and being somwhat doubtful of the case , signified to the Emperor , that he had found such a treasure ; the Emperor made a receipt thus , use it , he writ back again , that the sum was greater than his estate , or condition could use , the Emperor writ a new receipt thus ; Abuse it . 102. A Spaniard was censuring to a French Gentleman the want of devotion amongst the French , in that , whereas in Spain , when the Sacrament goes to the sick , any that meets with it turns back , and waits upon it to the house where it goes , but in France they only do reverence , and pass by , but the French Gentleman answered him , There is reason for it , for here with us . Christ is secure amongst his friends , but in Spain , there be so many Jews and Marannos , that it is not amisse for him to have a convoy . 103. Coranus the Spaniard , at a Table at dinner , sell into an extolling of his own Father , and said , if he should have wished of God , he could not have chosen amongst men a better Father , Sir Henry Savil said , What not Abraham ? Now Coranus was doubted to descend of a race of Jews . 104. Gonsalvo would say , The honour of a Souldier ought to be of a strong web , meaning that it should not be so fine and curious that every little disgrace should catch and stick in it . 105. One of the seven wise men were wont to say , That laws were like cobwebs , where the small flies were caught , and the great brake through . 108. An apprentice of London being brought before the Chamberlain by his Master for the sin of incontinency , even with his own Mistress : the Chamberlain thereupon gave him many Christian Exhortations , and at last he mentioned and prest the chastity of Joseph when his Mistress tempted him , with the like crime of incontinency . I Sir , said the Apprentice , but if Josephs Mistress had been as handsom as mine is , he could 〈◊〉 have forborn . 109. Plato the Divine Philosopher , was wont to say , That the Devil was a Painter to many whore masters , in their leaving afair wife for a soul whore . 110. Bias gave in precept , love as if you should hereafter hate , and hate as if you should hereafter love . 111. Aristippus being reprehended of Luxury , by one that was not rich , for that he gave six Crowns for a small fish , answered , Why , what would you have given ? the other said some twelve pence , Aristippus said again , and six Crowns is no more with me . 112. Julius Cesar , as he posted by was by acclamation of some tha●… 〈◊〉 ●…orned called King , to try how the people would take it ; the people shewed great m●…mute , and d●…stast at it : Cesar finding where the wind stood , fleighted●…it ; and said , I am not King but Cesar , as of they had mistook his name , for Rex was a sirname amongst the Romans , as King is with us . 113. When Crosus for his glory shewed Solon great . Treasure of Gold , Solon said to him , If another come that hath better Iron than you , he will be master of all this gold . 114. There was a Gentleman that came to the T●…lt all in Orange Tawny , and ●…air very ill , the next day he came all in green , and ran worse , there was one of the lookers on askt another , what 's the reason that this Gentleman changeth his colours , the other answered , Sure , because it may be reported , that the Gentleman in the green , ran worse than the Gentleman in the Orange tawny . 115. Aristippus said , That those that studied particular sciences , and neglected Philosophy , were like Penelope's Wooers , that made love to the waiting women . 116. Plato reproved secretly a young man for entring into a desolate liouse , the young man said to him , what for so small a mater ? Plato replied , But Custome is no small matter . 117. Pyrrhus when his friends congratulated to him his victory over the Romans under the conduct of Fabri●…lus , but with great slaughter on his own side , said to them again , yes , but if we have such another victory we are undone . 118. Cineas was an excellent Oratour and States-man , and principal Friend and Councellour to Pyrrhus , and falling in inward talk with him ; and discerning the Kings endless ambition , Pyrrhus opened himself unto him , that he intended first a war upon Italy , and hoped to atchieve it , Cineas asked him , Sir , What will you do then ? then saith he , we will attempt Sicily , Cineas said , well Sir , What then ? said Pyrrhus , if the gods favour us , we may conquer Africk and Carthage , What then Sir , saith Cineas ? nay then saith Pyrrhus we may take our rest , and Sacrifice and feast every day , and make merry with our friends , Alas Sir , said Cineas , may we not do so now without all this ado ? 119. The Embassadours of Afiaminor came to Antonius , after he had imposed upon them a double Tax , and said plainly to him , That if he would have two Tributes in one year , he must give them two seed times , and two Harvests . 120. Lamia the Curtizan had all power with Demetrius King of Macedon and by her instigations he did many unjust and cruel acts , whereupon Lysimachus said , That it was the first time that ever he knew a Where play in a Tragedy . 121. Bisquet , Jester to Francis the first King of France , did keep a Calender of Fools , wherewith he did use to make the King sport , telling him ever the reason why he put every one into his Calendar : so when Charles the fifth passed upon confidence of the noble nature of Francis , through France , for the appeasing of the Rebellion of ●…aunt , Bisquet put Charles the fifth into the Calendar , the King asking the cause , he said , because you have suffered at the hands of Charles the greatest bitterness that ever Prince did from other , and therefore I account it great folly in him that he should trust his person in your hands . Why Bisquet said the King , what wilt thou say , if thou seest him pass in as great safety , as if it were through the middest of Spain , saith Bifquet●… Why then I will put out him , and put in you . 122. Lew●… the eleventh of France , having much abated the greatness and power of the Poets , Nobility and Court of Parliament , would say . That he had brought the Crown out of ward . 123. When Peace was renewed with the French in England , divers of the great Counsellours were presented from the French with Jewels , the Lord Henry Howard was omitted , whereupon the King said to him , My Lord , how haps it , that you have not a Jewel as well as the rest , My Lord Henry answered again , alluding to the Fable in Aesop , I am no cock , and therefore have found no Jewel . 124. Ale●…ander sent to Phocion a great present of money , Phocion said to the messenger , Why doth the King send to me ; and to none else ? the Messenger answered , because he takes you to be the only good man in Athens , Phocion replied , If he think so , pray suffer me to be good still . 125. Coso●… Duke of Florence , was wont to say of perfidious friends , that we read , That we ought to forgive our enemies , but we do not read , that we ought to forgive our friends . 125. At a Banquet where those that were called the seven wise men of Greece , were invited by the Embassadour of a Barbarons King , the Embassadour related that there was a neighbour King mightier than his Master , pickt quarrels with him by making unpossible demands , otherwise threatning war , and now at that present had demanded of him to drink up the Sea , whereunto one of the wise men said , I would have him undertake it . Why , saith the Embassadour , how shall he come off ? thus saith the wise man , Let that King first stop the Rivers that run into the Sea , which is no part of the Bargain , and then your Master will perform it . 126. At the same Banquet , the Embassador desired the seven , and some other wise then that were at the Banquet every one of them to deliver some Sentence or Parable , that he might report to his King the wisdom of Grecia , which they did , only one was silent , which the Embassador perceiving said to him ; Sir let it not displease you , Why do you not say somewhat , that I may report ? he answered , Re-port to your Lord , that there are of the Grecians that can hold their peace . 127. One of the Romanes said to his friend , What think you of one who was taken in the act and manner of adulterie ? the other answered , Marry I think he was slow at dispatch . 128. Epaminondas , when his great friend and Colleague in war was suitor to him to pardon an offender , denied him ; afterwards when a Concubine of his made the same suit , he granted it to her , which when Pelopidas seemed to take unkindly , he said , Such suits are to be granted to Whores , but not to Personages of worth . 129. The Lacedemonians had a Custome to speak very short , which being in Empire they might do at pleasure , but after their defeat at Leuctra , in an Assembly of the Grecians , they made a long invective against Epaminondas , who stood up , and said no more but this , I am glad we have taught you to speak long . 130. Fabius Maximus being resolved to draw the war in length , still waited upon Hannibals progress to curb him , and for that purpose he encamped upon the high grounds , but Terentius his Colleague fought with Hannibal , and was in great peril of overthrow , but then Fabius came down the high grounds , and got the day , whereupon Hannibal said , That he did ever think that that same cloud that hanged upon the Hills , would at one time or other give or produce a Tempest . 131. There was a Cowardly Spanish Souldier , that in a defeat the Moores gave , ran away with the foremost , afterwards when the Army generally fled , this Souldier was missing , whereupon it was said by some that he was slain , No sure , saith one , he is alive , for the Moores eat no Hares flesh . 132. Hanno the Carthaginian was sent Commissioner by the State after the second Carthaginian war to Rome , to supplicate for peace , & in the end obtained it , yet one of the sharper Senators said , you have often broken with us the Peace whereunto you have often been sworn , I pray by what Gods will you swear now ? Hanno answered , By the same gods that have punished the former perjury so severely . 133. Thales being asked when a man should marry , said , Young men not yet , old men not all . 134. A Company of Scholars going together to catch Conies , carried one Scholar with them , which had not much more wit than he was born with , and to him they gave in charge , that if he saw any he should be silent for fear of scaring of them , but he no sooner espied a Company of Rabbits before the rest , but he cried aloud , Ecce multi Cuniculi , which in English signifies , behold many Conies , which he had no sooner said , but the Conies ran to their boroughs , and he being checked by them for it , answered , Who the Devil would have thought that the Rabits understood L●…tine ? 135. Cesar after first he had possest Rome , Pompey being fled , offer'd to enter the sacred Treasury to take the monies that were there stored , Metellus Tribune of the people did forbid him , and when Metellus was violent in it , and would not desist , Cesar turned to him , and said , Presume no further , or I will lay you dead , and when Metellus was with these words somewhat astonished , Cesar added , Young man it had been easier for me to do this , than to speak it . 136. The Councel did make Remonstrance to Queen Elizabeth of the continual conspiracios against her life , and namely of a late one , and shewed her a Rapier taken from a Conspiratour that had a false chape being of brown paper , but guilt over , as it could not be known from a chape of metal , which was devised to the end , that without drawing the Rapier might give a stab , and upon this occasion advise her that she should go lesse abroad to take the air weakly accompanied , as she used , but the Queen answered , That she had rather be dead , than put in custody . 137. Chilon would say , That gold was tried with the touch-stone , and men with gold . 138. Zelon was the first of the Ottomans that did shave his beard , whereas his Predecessors wore it long , one of the Bashawes asked him why he altered the custome of his Predecessors , he answered , Because you Bashaws shall not lead me by the beard , as you did th●…m . 139. A Welshman being at a Sessions house , and seeing the Prisoners hold up hands at the Bar , related to some of his their acquaintance , That the Judges were good fortune tellers , for if they did but look upon their hands , they could certainly tell whether they should live or dye . 140. Queen Elizabeth was entertained by my Lord Burleigh at Theobalds , and at her going away , my Lord obtained of the Queen to make seven Knights , they were Gentlemen of the Countrey of my Lords friends and neighbours , they were placed in a rank as the Queen should passe by the Hall , and to win Antiquity of Knighthood in order as my Lord favoured , though indeed the more principal Gentlemen were placed lowest : The Queen was told of it and said nothing , but when she went along she passed them all by , as far as the Skreen , as if she had forgot it , and when she came to the Skreen she seemed to take her self with the manner , and said , I had almost forgot what I promised , with that she turned back , and knighted the lowest first , and so upward , whereupon Mr. Stanhope of the Privy Chamber a while after told her , Your Majesty was too Politick for my Lord B●…rleigh , she answered , I have but fulfilled the Scripture : the first shall be last , and the last first . 141. Anacharsis would say concerning the popular Estates of Greece , that be wondred how at Athens wise men did propose and fools did dispose . 142. Solon compared the people unto the Sea , and Oratours and Councellours to the winds ; for that the Sea would be calm and quiet , if the winds did not trouble it . 143. Socrates was pronounced by the Oracle of Delphos , to be the wisest man of Greece , which he would put from himself Ironically , saying , There would be nothing in him to verifie the Oracle , except this , that he was not wise , and knew it , and others were not wise , and knew it not . 144. Cato the elder , what time many of the Romanes had Statues erected in their honour , was asked by one in a kind of wonder , why he had none , answered , He had much rather men should ask and wonder why he had no Statue , than why he had a Statue . 145. Sir Fulk Greenvil had much and private access to Queen Elizabeth which he used honourably , and did many men good , yet he would say merrily of himself , That he was like Robin good-fellow , for when the Maids spilt the milk-pans , or kept any racket , they would lay it upon Robeen , so what the Ladies about the Queen told her , or other bad offices that they did , they would put it upon him . 146. Socrates , when there was shewed him the book of Heraclitus the obscure , and was asked his opinion of it , answered . Those things which I understood were excellent , I imagine so were those that I understood not , but they require a diver of Delos . 147. Bion asked an envious man , that was very sad , What harm had befaln unto him , or what good had befaln unto another man. 148. Stilpo the Philosopher , when the people flocked about him , and that one said to him , the people come wondring about you , as if it were to see some strange beast , No , saith he , it is to see a man which Diogenes sought with his Lanthorn at noon day . 149. A man being very jealous of his wife , insomuch that which way soever she went , he would be prying at her heels , and she being so grieved thereat , in plain terms told him , That if he did not for the future leave off his proceedings in that nature , she would graft such a pair of horns upon his head , that should h●…nder him from coming out of any door in the house . 150. Caius Marius was General of the Romanes against the Cimbers , who came with such a Sea of multitudes upon Italy ; in the fight there was a band of the Caducians of a thousand that did notable service : whereupon after the fight , Marius did denison them all for Citizens of Rome , though there was no Law to warrant it : one of his friends did represent it to him , that he had transgressed the Law , because that Priviledge was not to be granted , but by the people , whereunto Marius answered , That for the noise of arms he could not hear the Laws . 151. Mr. Bacon would say , That it was in business , as it is commonly in wayes , that the next way is commonly the foulest , & that if a man would go the fairest way , he must go somewhat about . 152. Augustus Cesar out of great indignation against his two Daughters , and P●…sthumus Agrippa his Grand-child , whereof the two first were infamous , and the last otherwise unworthy , would say , That they were not his seed , but some imposthumes that had broken from him . 153. A Citizen of London passing the streets very hastily , came at last where some stop was made by Carts , and some Gentlemen talking together , who knew him , where being in some passion that he could not suddenly pass , one of them in this wise spoke unto him , That others had past by and there was room enough only he could not tell whether their horns were so wide as his . 154. Pompey did consummate the war against Sertorius , when Metellus had brought the enemy somewhat low , he did also consummate the war against the fugitives whom Crassus had before defeated in a great Battel , so when Lucullus had had a great and glorious victory against Mithridates , yet Pompey by means his friends made , was sent to put an end to that war ; whereupon Lucullus taking indignation , as a disgrace offered to himself , said , that Pompey was like a carrion Cro●… , that when others had struck down bodies , he came to prey upon them 155. Epictetus used to say , That one of the vulgar , if any ill happens to him , blames others , a novice in Philosophy blames himself , and a Philosopher blames neither the one nor the other . 156. Hiero visited by Pythagoras , asked him , of what condition he was ? Pythagoras answered , Sir , I know you have been at the Olympian games : yes sa●…th Hiero , Thither saith Pythagoras , come some to win the prizes , some come to sell their Merchandise , because it is a kind of Mart of all Greece , some come to meet their friends , and make merry , because of the great confluence of all sorts , others come only to look on , meaning it of Philosophy , and the contemplative life . 157. Plato the Divine said , That riches were like muck and dung , when it lay upon an heap , it gave but a stench and ill odour , but when it was spread upon the ground , then it was cause of much fruit : and he further said , That vertuous men were like some herbs and spices , that gave not their sweet smell , until they be broken and crusht . 158. There was a Painter became a Physician , whereupon one said to him , You have done well , for before the faults of your work were seen , but now they are unseen . 159. One of the Philosophers was askt in what a wise man differed from a fool , he aswered , Send them both naked to those that know them not , and you shall perceive . 160. A Tinker passing Cheapside with his usual tone , Have you any work for a Tinker ? an Apprentice standing at a door opposite to a Pillory there set up called the Tinker , with an intent to put a jest upon him & told him that he should do very well if he would stop those two holes in the Pillory , to which the Tinker answered , That if he would but put in his head & ears a while in that Pillory , he would lestow both brasse and nails upon him to hold him in & give him his labor in to the bargain 161. Cesar in his book that he made against Cato , did write to shew the force of opinion and reverence of a man that had once obtained popular reputation , That there were some that found Cato drunk , and they were ashamed instead of Cato . 162. Aristippus sailing in a Tempest shewed signs of fear , one of the Seamen said to him in an insulting manner , We that are Plebeians are not troubled , you that are Philosophers are afraid . Aristippus answered , There is not the like wager upon it , for me to perish , and you . 163. There was an Oratour that defended a cause of Aristippus , and prevailed , afterwards , he ask'd Aristippus , Now in your distress , what did Socrates do you good ? Aristippus answered thus , In making true that good which you said of me . Concerning mony , he further declared , That he took mony of his friends , not so much to use it himself , but to teach them how to bestow their mony . 164. The Lady Paget , that was very private with Queen Elizabeth , declared her self much against her match with Monsieur , after Monsieurs death the Queen took extream grief , at least as she made shew , and kept within her bed-Chamber , and one Ante-chamber for three weeks space , in token of mourning : At last she came forth into her privy Chamber , and admitted her Ladies to have access unto her , and amongst the rest my Lady Paget presented her self , and came to her with a smiling countenance : the Queen bent her brows , and seemed to be highly displeased , and said to her , Madam , you are not ignorant of my extream grief , and do you come to me with a countenance of joy ? My Lady Paget answered , Alas , and it please your Majesty , it is impossible for me to be absent from you three weeks , but that when I see you I must look chearfully . No no , said the Queen , not forgetting her former averseness from the Match , you have some other conceit in it , tell me plainly . My Lady answered , I must ●…bey you , it is this , I was thinking , how happy your Majesty was in that you married not Monsieur , for seeing you take such thought for his death , being but your friend , if he had been your husband , sure it would have ●…st you your life . 164. Sir Edward Dyer , a brave and wise Gentleman , did much believe in Kelly the Alchimist that he did indeed the work , and made gold , insomuch as he went himself into Germany , where Kelly then was , to confirm himself fully thereof , at his return he dined with my Lord of Canterbury , when at that time was at the Table Doctor Brown the Physician , they fell in talk o●… Kelly , Sir Edward Dyer turning to the Archbishop , said , I do assure your Grace , that that I shall tell you is truth , I was an eye-witness thereof , and if I had n●…t seen it , I should not have believed it , I saw Kelly put of the metal into the crusible , and after it was set a little upon the fire , & a very small quantity of the medicine put in , and stirred with a stick of word , it came forth in good proportion perfect gold to the touch , to the hammer , and to the test : said the Bishop , you had need take heed what you say , Sir Edward Dyer , for here is an Infidel at the board . Sr Edward Dyer said again pleasantly , I would have looked for an Insidel sooner in any place than at your Graces Table . Wha●…●…ay you Doctor Brown ? saith the Bishop . Doctor Brown answered after his blunt and hadling manner , the Gentleman hath spoken enough for me . Why , saith the B●…shop , What hath he said ? Marry said Doctor Brown he said , he would not have believed it , except he had seen it , and no more will I. 166. A young Maid having married an old man , was observed on the day of marriage to be somewhat moody , as if she had eaten a dish of chums , which one of her Bridemen observing bid her be cheery , and told her moreover , that are old horse would hold out as long , and as well as a young in travel : to which she answered , stroking down her belly w●…th her hand , But not in this road , Sir. 167. Democritus said , That truth did lie in prefound pits , and when it was got it needed much refining . 168. A Seaman coming before the Judges of the Admiralty for admittance into office in a ship bound for the Indies , was by one of the Judges much sleighted , as an insufficient person for that office which he sought for to acquire , till the Judge telling him , that he believed , that he could not say the poin●…s of his Compass ; the Seaman answered , better than he could say his Pater N●…ster : the Judge replyed , that he would wager twenty shillings with him of that : so the Seaman taking him up , it came to trial , and the Seaman began and said all the points of his Compass very exactly , the Judge likewise said his Pater Noster , and when he had finished it , he required the wager according to agreement , because the Seaman was to say his Compass better than he his Pater Noster , which he had not performed : my hold , quoth the Sea man , the wager is not finished , for I have but half done ; and so he immediately said his Compass backward very exactly , which the Judge failing of in his Pater Noster , the Setman carried away the prize . 169. Doctor Johnson said , that in sickness there were three things that were material , the Physician , the disease , and the Patient , and if any two of these joyned , then they have the victory : for if the Physician and the Patient joyn , then down goes the disease , for the Patient recovers ; if the Physician and the disease joyn , then down goes the Patient , that is , where the Physician mistakes the c●…re ; if the Patient and the disease joyn , then down goes the Physician , for he is discredited . 170. Alexander visited Diogenes in his Tub , and when he asked what he would desire of him , Diogenes answered , That you would stand a little aside , that the Sun may come to me . 171. Diogenes called an ill Musician Cock , Why saith he ? Diogenes answered , because when you crow , men use to rise . 172. There was in Oxford a cowardly fellow that was a very good Arc●…er , he was abused grossely by another , and moaned himself to Sir Walter Raleigh then a Scholar , and ask his advice , what he should do to repair the wrong had been offered him ; Raleigh answered , Why challenge him at a match of shooting . 173. Whitehead a grave Divine was much esteemed by Queen Elizabeth , but not preferred , because he was against the Government of Bishops , he was of a blunt Stoical nature , he came one day to the Queen , and the Queen happened to say to him , I like thee the better , Whitehead , because thou livest unmarried . He answered , In troth Madam , I like you the worse for the same cause . 174. There was a Noble man that was lean of visage , but immediately after his marriage he grew pretty plump , and fat , one said to him , Your Lordship doth contrary to other married men , for they at the first wax lean , and you wax fat , Sir Walter Raleigh stood by and said , Why there is no beast , that if you take him from the common , and put him into the Several , but he will wax fat . 175. Diogenes seeing one that was a Bastard casting stones among the people , Bade him take heed , he hit not his Father . 176. Doctor Lawd said , that some Hypocrites and seeming mortified men , that held down their heads like bulrushes , were like little Images that they place in the very bowing of the vaults of Churches , that look as if they held up the Church , but are but puppets . 176. A Noble man of this Nation , famously known for his mad tricks , on a time having taken Physick , which he perceiving that it began well to work , called up his man to go for a Surgeon presently , and to bring his instruments with him : the Surgeon comes in all speed ; to whom my Lord related , that he found himself much addicted to women , and therefore it was his will , that the cause of it might be taken away , and therefore commanded him forthwith to prepare his instruments ready for to geld him ; so the Surgeon prepared forthwith prepares accordingly , and my Lord told him that he would not see it done , and therefore that he should do his work the back way , so both parties being contented , my Lord makes ready , and holds up his A — and when he perceives the Surgeon very near him , he lets she full in his face , which made the Surgeon step back , but coming presently on again ; Hold , hold , 〈◊〉 my Lord , I will better consider of it , for I see the re●…ntive faculty is very weak at the very appro●…ch of such keen instruments . 177. The Lord Henry Howard , being Lord privy Seal , was ask'd by the King openly at the Table , where commonly he entertained the King upon the sudden , My Lord have you not a desire to see Rome ? My Lord Privy Seal answered , yes indeed Sir. The King said , and why ? My Lord answered , because , and it please your Majesty , it was once the Seat of the greatest Monarchy , and the Seminary of the bravest men in the world amongst the Heathen , and then again , because it was the See of so many holy Bishops in the Primitive Church , most of them Martyrs . The King would not give it over , and for nothing else ? My Lord answered , Yes , It please your Majesty , for two things especially , the one to see him who they say hath such a power to forgive other mens sins , to confess his sins upon his own knees before a Chaplain or Priest , and the other is to hear Antichrist say his Creed . 178. There was a Noble man said of great Counsellour , That he would have made the worst Farrier in the world , for he never shod horse but he cloyed him , so he never commended any man to the King for service , or upon any occasion of Suit , or otherwise , but that he would come in the end with a But , and drive in a nail to his disadvantage . 179. There was a curst Page that his Master whipt naked , and when he had been whipt , would not put on his cloaths , and when his Master bad him , Take them you , for they are the Hang-mans Fees. 180. There was a Gentleman sell very sick , and a friend of his said to him , Surely you are indanger , I pray send for a Physician , but the sick man answered , It is no matter , for if I dye , I will die at leisure . 181. There was a Lady of the West Countrey , that gave great entertainment at her house to most of the gallant Gentlemen thereabouts , and amongst others , Sir Walter Raleigh was one , this Lady , though otherwise a stately Dame , was a notable good housewife , and in the morning betimes , she called to one of her Maids , that lo●…kt to the Swine , and asked , are the pigs served ? Sir Walter Raleighs chamber was fast by the Ladies , so as he heard her ; a little before dinner , the Lady came down in great State into the great Chamber , which was full of gentlemen , and as soon as Sir Walter Raleigh set eye upon her , Madam , saith he , Are the Pigs served ? The Lady answered , You know best , whether you have had your breakfast . 182. There was an Epicurian vaunted that divers of other sorts of Philosophers did after turn Epicureans , but that there was never any Epicurean that turned to any other sect , whereupon a Philosopher that was of another sect , said the reason was plain , For that Cocks may be made Capons , but Capons could neuer be made Cocks . 183. An old Baud , being as she supposed on her death-bed was importunned by one who had been a constant customer to her house , that she would put a Girl into his hand , not onely handsom but wholsom , which she accordingly promised , and to that end , called up for one , who appearing , the Gentleman was not in all respects satisfied concerning her , he therefore prest her hard to know assuredly , whether she was according as the old Bawd promised , to which she answered , That she was , and further left it to him to judge with what comfort and confidence she could expect to meet her Saviour , if she should leave the world with a lie in her mouth . 184. A man having backs●…den , so as to raise a maids belly , and it being commonly known , his friends and relations came together on purpose for to reprove him , hoping it might prove a remedy from any such future malady , and every one had a saying to him , and the end of all their sayings was a wondering at him that he should do so , and so : well , he having patiently heard them made this answer , You make a wondering and a wonder that I should get her with child , now that is usual , and therefore no cause of wonder , but you would have had somewhat indeed to wonder at , if you had found that she had got me with Child . APOPHTHEGMS OF Sir THO. MOORE . BY an excellent similitude , Sir Thomas teacheth us why few do fear death , even as they that look upon things afar off , see them conf●…sedly , not knowing whether they be men or trees : even so , he that promiseth unto himself long life , looketh upon death , as a thing afar off , not judg●…ng what it is , how terrible , what grief and danger it brings with it : and that none ought to promise to himself long life , he proveth thus , Even as two men that are brought out of prison to the gallows , one by a long way about , the other by a direct straight path , yet neither knowing which is which , until they come to the Gallows , neither of these two can promise himself longer life by reason of the uncertainty of the way , even so , a young man cannot promise himself longer life than an old man. 2. Against the vanity of worldly honour , he speaks thus : Even as that criminal person who is lead to execution should be accounted vain if he should ingrave his coat of arms upon the Prison gate , even so are they vain who endeavour to leave with great industry , monuments of their dignity in the prison of this world . 3. By a subtil 〈◊〉 he teacheth us , why we are not to think that we can be hurt by the loss of our supers●…ous goods in this manner , He that suffereth any loss of his goods , he would either have bestowed them with praise , and liberality , and so God will accept his will instead of the deed it self , or else he would have wasted them wickedly , and then he hath cause to rejoyce , that the matter of sinning is taken away . 4. To express lively the folly of an old covetous man , he writeth thus , A Thief that is to dye to morrow , stealeth to day and being asked why he did so , he answered That it was great pleasure to him to be Master of that mony but one night : so an old Miser never ceaseth to increase his heap of coin , though he be never so aged . 5. He saith also , That those which give themselves to pleasure and idleness in the time of their Pilgrimage , are like to him who is travelling to his own house , where there is abundance of all things , would yet be an Ostler in an Inn by the way , for to get an Inn-keepers favour , and to end his life there in a Stable . 6. Pleasure saith he , doth not only draw wicked men from Prayer , but also affliction sometime , yet this is the difference , that affliction doth sometimes wrest some short prayer from the wickedest man alive , but pleasure calleth away even one that is indifferent good from all prayer . 7. Against impenitent persons , and such as defer the amending of their lives to the latter end of their daies , he saith thus , A leud fellow that had spent all his life in wickedness was wont to brag that he could be saved , if he spoke but three words at the hour of his death ; riding over a bridge that was broken , his horse stumbling , & not being able to save himself from falling into the water , when he saw himself past recovery , casting away the bridle , he said , The Devil take all , and so with his three words he perished in the River . 8. Even as he that passeth over a narrow Bridge , by reason of his fear often falleth , especially if others say to him you fall , which otherwise he would safely pass over , even so , he that is fearful by nature , and full of pusillanimity often falleth into desperation , the Devil crying unto hi●… , thou art damned , which he would never hearken to , nor be in any danger of if he should take unto him a good heart , and by wholsom councel nothing fear the Devils out-cry . 9. The prosperity of this world , is like the shortest winters day , and we are listed up in it as an Arrow shot upon high , where a short breath do●…h delight us , but from thence we fall suddenly to the earth , and there we stick fast , either bemired with the dirt of insamy , or starving with cold , being pluck'd on t of our feathers . 10. It is a hard thing to touch pitch and not be desiled therewith , a dry stick to be put into the fire , and not to be burnt , to nourish a Snake in our bosom , and not to be stung with it : So a m●…st hard thing it is to be rich and honoured in this world , and not be struck with the dart of Pride and vai●…-glory . 11. Let there be two beggars , who a long time begged together , one of whom some rich man hath entertained in his house , put him in Silk , give him mony in his purse , but with this cond●…tion as he tells him , within a short space he will thrust him out of his doors , and take all that away from him again ; if he in the mean while being thus gallant , should chance to meet with his fellow beggar , would he be so foolish as for all this not to acknowledge him for his companion ? or would he for those few daies happiness hold himself better than he ? applying this to every mans case , Who cometh naked into this world , and is to return naked again . 12. If he be called stout , that hath sortitude , he hot who hath heat , wise that hath wisdom , yet he who hath riches cannot be said presently to be good , therefore riches cannot be numbred among good things . Twenty , yea , a hundred bare heads standing by a Noble man doth not defend his head from cold , so much as his own hat doth alone , which yet he is inforced to put off in the presence of his Prince . 13. He that knoweth certainly , he is to be banished into a strange Country never to return again 〈◊〉 his own , and will not endure that his goods be transported thither , being loath to want them for that little while , rather than ever to enjoy them after , may well be thought a mad man : so are they out of their wits who intic'd with a vain affections to keep their goods alwaies about them , and neglective to give alms for fear of wanting , cannot endure to have their goods sent before them to heaven , when as they know most assuredly , that they shall enjoy them alwaies there , with all plenty , and with a double reward . 14. To ease his thoughts when he was in Prison , He imagined that all the world was but a Prison , out of which every day some one or other was called to execution . 15. When he heard any at his Table speaking detraction , he would interrupt them thus , Let any man think as he pleaseth , I like this room very well , for it is very well contrived , and fairly built . 16. Of an ungrateful person , he would say , That they wrote good turns d●…ne unto them in the dust , but even the least injuries in marble . 17. He compareth reason to an handmaid , which if she be well taught will obey , and faith to the Mistress , ! which is to keep her in awe . 18. He said , That he was a mad man that would drink poyson to take a preservative after it , but he is a wiseman , that spilling the poyson , leaveth the Antidote for him that hath need thereof . 19. When Sir Thomas Moore lived in the City of London , being one of the Justices of Peace , he used to go to the Sessions at New gate , where it fell out , that one of the ancientest Justices of the Bench was wont to chide the poor men whose purses had been cut , for not being more careful , telling them , their negligence was the cause that so many cut-purses were brought thither , which when Sir Thomas Moore observed him so often to repeat at one time , especially , the night after he sent for one of the chief cut-purses that was in prison , and promised to save him harmless , and stand his friend too , if he would cut the aforesaid Justices Purse the next day as he sate on the Bench , and then presently make a sign of it to him : the fellow very gladly promiseth him to do it the next day , therefore when they sate again , that Thief was called among the first , who being accused of his fact , said , he did not doubt but that he could sufficiently excuse himself , if he were permitted to speak to some of the Bench in private , he was therefore bid to chuse one who he would , and presently he chose that grave old man , who then had his pouch at his girdle , as they wore them in those dayes , and whilst he whispered him in the ear , he cunningly cut his purse , and then solemnly taking his leave , returns to his place , Sir Thomas knowing by a private sign , that the business was dispatcht , presently took occasion to move the Bench to distribute some alms to a poor needy fellow that was there , and for good example began himself to do it , when the old man came to open his purse , and sees it cut away , and much wondering said , he was confident he brought it with him when he came thither that morning . Sir Thomas replied presently , What will you charge any of us with felony ? but his choler rising , and he being ashamed of the thing ; Sir Thomas calls the Cut-purse , and bids him give him his purse again , and withal advised the good old Justice hereafter , Not to be so bitter a censurer of innocent mens negligence , when as himself could not secure his purse in that open assembly 20. When he was Lord Chancellour , one of the house of the Manors whom the King had lately preferred to a great honour , who before that had been a great friend of Sir Thomas Moores , but perceiving now that the world began somewhat to frown upon him , because he was not so forward as other men to perswade the King to the divorce , and being desirous to pick so●…e quarrel against him , My Lord , said , Honores mut●…nt mores , Sir Thomas readily replied , It as so indeed my Lord , but Mores signifies in English manners , not More ; which answer put my Gentleman to a nihil di●… . 21. Sir Thomas Moore having le●…t a Gentleman mony in some time afterwards demanded it back of the Gentleman , the Gentleman bid him remember he must dye , and God knows how soon , and that then he should have little use of mony , adding the Se●…ence in Latin , the better to please Sr. ●…h ma●… , Memento morieris : to which Sir 〈◊〉 . presently answer'd , What say you Sir ? methinks you put your self in mind of your duty herein , saying , Memento Moriaeris , Remember Moores mony . 21. It happened on a time●… hat a beggars little dog which she had lost , was sent to the Lady Moore for a Present , and she had kept it about a week very carefully , but at last the beggar having notice where her dog was , presently came and complained to Sir Thomas , as he was sitting in his Hall , that his Lady kept her dog from her , presently my Lady was sent for , and the dog brought with her , which Sir Thomas taking in his arms , he caused his wife to stand at the upper end of the Hall , and the beggar at the lower end , and then saying , That he sate there to do every one justice , He badeach of them call the Dog , which when they did , the dog ran presently to the beggar , forsaking his Lady ; when he saw this , he bid his Wife be contented for it was none of hers : yet she repining at his Sentence , agreed with the beggar , and gave her a piece of Gold : so all parties were satisfied , every one smiling at this strange discovery of truth . 23. Another time a certain friend of his taking great pains about a Book which he intended to publish , being well conce●…ted of his own wit , which no body else thought worth of commendation , and because he would Sir Thomas Moore should observe it e're it were Printed , he brought it to him , who perusing it and finding nothing therein worthy the Presse , said with a grave countenance , If it were in verse , it were more worth ; upon which words he went immediately and turned it into verse , and then brought it again to Sir Thomas , who looking thereon said soberly , Yea marry now it is somewhat , for now it is Rithm , before it was neither Rithm , nor Reason . 24. And what ever Jest he brought forth , he never laughed at any himself , but spoke them so seriously , that few could discern by his look , whether he were in earnest or in jest , as once talking with another in dispute of his Dialogues by some occasion , they happened to speak of a Dogs Turd , at that very instant one of his men came to tell him that dinner was ready , to whom he said , look that there be better mea●… provided for us than that ; who presently went and told his Lady , that his Lord would have better meat provided for his Dinner , which caused a great disturbance in the house , till at last the mistake being known , the sea of their disturbance was calmed in a fit of laughing . 25. Sir Thomas Moore had only daughters at the first , and his Wife did ever pray for a boy , at last she had a boy , which after at mans years proved simple , Sir Thomas said to his Wife , Thou prayedst so long for a boy , that he will be a boy as long as he lives . 26. Sir Thomas Moore the day he was beheaded , had a Barber sent to him , because his hair was long which was thought would make him more commiserable with the people , the Barber came to him , and asked him whether he would be pleased to be trimmed , In good faith honest fellow , said Sir Thomas , the King and I have a suit for my head , and till the Title be cleared , I will do no c●…st upon it . 27. Sir Thomas Moore had sent him by a Suiter in the Chancery two silver flaggons , when they were presented by the Gentlemans servant , he said to one of his men , Have him to the Cellar , and let him have of my best Wine , and turning to the servant said , tell thy M●…ster friend , if he like it , let him not spare it . 28. When Sir Thomas Moore was Lord Chance●…lour , he did use at Masse to sit in the Chancel , and his Lady in a Pew , and because the Pew stood out of sight , his Gentleman Usher ever afte●… Service came to the Ladies Pew , and said , Madam , my Lord , is gone : so when the Chancellors place was taken from him , the next time they went to Church Sir Thomas himself came to his Ladies Pew , and said , Madam , my Lord is gone . 29. In Sir Thomas Moores imprisonment in the Tower , there came one from the Court , for to perswade Sir Thomas to change his mind before he died , of those things which he stood condemned in by the Law , and Sir Thomas being wearied with his importanity , said , I have changed my mind , the C●…tier said , in what ? Sir Thomas replied , in this , That whereas he had intended to be s●…aven , that he might appear to the people , as before he was wo●… , now he was fully resolved , that his beard should take such part as his head did . 30. Sir Thomas Pope visiting Sir Thomas Moore in his imprisonment was very sad , and could not refrain from weeping , which Sir Thomas Moore seeing , to put him out of his melancholy , took his own urinal in his hand , and casting his water said merrily , I see no danger , but that this man ( meaning himself ) might live longer if it had pleased the King. 31. Sir Thomas Moore , who was a man in all his life time , that had an excellent vein in jesting a little before , and at his death delivered himself in this manner coming on the Scaffold , which seemed to him so weak , that it was ready to fall , he said merrily to the Lieutenant , I pray you Mr. Lieutenant , see me safe up , & for my coming down , let me shift for my self ; and to the Execaioner , he said , pluck up thy spirits man , and be not afraid to do thine office , my neck is very short , take heed therefore thou strike not away for saving thine honesty : and at the very instant of his death , having a pretty long beard , after his head was upon the block lift it up again , and gently drew his beard aside , and said , that that had never committed any Treason , nor in the least offended the King , and therefore should not be cut off : and thus passed Sir Thomas Moore out of this world , on the very same day on which himself had most desired , being Saint Thomas day , in the year of our Lord , 1537. FINIS . 
A51187	----	Don Juan Lamberto: or, a comical history of the late times. The first part. By Montelion Knight of the Oracle, &c. Flatman, Thomas, 1637-1688. 1661 Approx. 198 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 65 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2003-01 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A51187 Wing M2492 ESTC R216348 99828080 99828080 32507 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A51187) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 32507) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 1855:18) Don Juan Lamberto: or, a comical history of the late times. The first part. By Montelion Knight of the Oracle, &c. Flatman, Thomas, 1637-1688. Phillips, John, 1631-1706, attributed name. Flatman, Thomas, 1637-1688. Don Juan Lamberto: or, a comical history of the late times. The second and last part. aut The second edition corrected. [116] p. : ill. (woodcuts) printed by J. Brudenell for Henry Marsh at the Princes Arms in Chancery-Lane near Fleetstreet, London : 1661. Mountelion is a pseudonym. Attributed to Thomas Flatman. Sometimes also attributed to John Phillips. In two parts. Part 2, "the second and last part", has a separate dated title page, with imprint which reads: London, printed by T. Leach, for Hen. Marsh, at the Princes Arms in Chancery-lane near Fleetstreet, 1661; register is continuous. Signatures: pi² A-O⁴. A political satire in the form of a chivalric romance. Reproduction of the original in the British Library. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. Gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. EEBO-TCP is a partnership between the Universities of Michigan and Oxford and the publisher ProQuest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by ProQuest via their Early English Books Online (EEBO) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). The general aim of EEBO-TCP is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic English-language title published between 1473 and 1700 available in EEBO. 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Understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of TCP data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. Users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a TCP editor. The texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level 4 of the TEI in Libraries guidelines. Copies of the texts have been issued variously as SGML (TCP schema; ASCII text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable XML (TCP schema; characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless XML (TEI P5, characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or TEI g elements). Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng Lambert, John, 1619-1683 -- Humor -- Early works to 1800. English wit and humor -- Early works to 1800. Great Britain -- History -- Commonwealth and Protectorate, 1649-1660 -- Humor -- Early works to 1800. Great Britain -- History -- Charles II, 1660-1685 -- Humor -- Early works to 1800. 2002-09 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2002-10 SPi Global Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2002-11 Rina Kor Sampled and proofread 2002-11 Rina Kor Text and markup reviewed and edited 2002-12 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion DON JUAN LAMBERTO : Or , a Comical HISTORY OF THE Late Times . The First Part. By MONTELION Knight of the Oracle , &c. The second Edition Corrected . LONDON : Printed by I. Brudenell for Henry Marsh at the Princes Arms in Chancery-lane near Fleetstreet . 1661. Don JUAN LAMBERTO : OR , A COMICAL HISTORY OF The late Times . CHAP. 1. How Cromwel Soldan of Britain dyed , and what befel his Son the Meek Knight . NOw had Cromwel the dread Soldan of Britain through the importunity of death , with much unwillingness left this World , and his Son Ricardus , sirnamed for his great valour the Meek Knight , reigned in his stead : When loe fortune having now a mind to eat sauce with his meat , resolves to gather this great Mushrome , and lay him in pickle . There were at that time in England many good Knights who had been greatly despised and evilly intreated by the Soldan in his life time , who sought all advantages to reck their most ●implacable malice on his Son the Meek Knight who was placed on the Throne in the room of his Father : The chief of these was Sir Lambert , the Knight of the Golden Tulep ; One of an eager and revengeful ●pirit ; and beside that very ambitious , so that he not onely sought to be revenged on the Meek Knight for the injuries he had received from his Father , but to make himself chief Soldon also ; however he was very slye and close , and would by no means discover himself until that by his fair carriage he had won to his side made many of the chief Soldans Knights , who had him in great honour and esteem , for that they took him to be a right cunning and valorous Champion . CHAP. II. Of the Birth of Sir Vane , Knight of the most mystical Allegories . WHen nature by true consanguinity had created him in his Mothers Womb , she dreamed to be conceived of a Firebrand , that should set on fire her Mansion House , which dream she long concealed and kept secret until her painful burden was grown so heavy that she was scarce able to endure it : so finding at length an oportunity to reveal it to her husband , she revealed her dream in this manner , My most honourable Lord , you know that I am your true and lawful Wife , yet never was in in hope of Child till now , or that by me your name should survive : Therefore I conjure you by the pleasures of your youth , and the dear and natural love you bear unto the Infant conceived in my Womb , that either by art , wisodome , or some other inspiration you calculate upon my trouble ; some dreams , and tell me what they are ; For night by night no sooner doth sweet sleep seize upon my sences , but I dream that I am conceived of a dreadful firebrand , the which shall set on fire our Mansion House : To which her husband answered in this maner , My most dear and beloved Lady , what art or learning can perform with all convenient speed shall he accomplished ; for never shall rest take possession of my heart , nor sleep close up the closets of my eyes , till I understand the signification of this troublesom matter . Thereupon he travelled through many Deserts and Wildernesses , hoping to meet with the Hermitage of some Inchantress , but he could find none : For then Yilil the Necromancer dwelt not in the Strand , neither were there any Sorcerers in Southwark ; Whereupon seeing no other means to attain his desired end , he went and bought him a Fortune-Book and a Bale of Dice , and carried them home to his beloved Lady , who with great earnestness expected his return for two reasons , first out of curiosity , and then because that supper was like to be spoiled . Being return'd home , and having refresh'd his weary body with corporal Food ; as he was sitting at the Table , after the cloath was taken away , he called for the said Fortune-Booke , and ●aused his Wife to throw three Dice , under the Philosopher Pythagoras , who directed them to this following saying of Haly the Conjurer , whi●h gave them full satisfaction of the nature of the Infant . The Uerses were these . This Son is thine with Heav'ns good leave , His Tongue all people shall deceive ; Folks shall thee curse for thy nights work , When thou him got'st , nor Christian , nor Turk . Throw Dice no more on any Day , For it is truth what ere I say . CHAP. III. How the Knight of the mysterio●s Allegories grew up , and how he put strife between his Mother and her Maids , and caused his Father and Mother to go together by the ears . VVHile both the Father & the Mother were scanning what the meaning should be of this same Oracle ; The Childe himse●fe gave still an exposition more and more cleare as he grew in yeares : 'T is true that when he was a Childe he acted but the Childs part , and exercised his Talents on more mean subjects , though hee were not unmindful of his work in what ever Spheare he mov'd : He began with his Mothers Maides , between whom and his Mother hee made perpetual discords and dissentions , by accusing either the Maide to the Mistress , or the Mistress to the Maid ; nor could he endure to see his Father and Mother in peace , using the same policies to set them also at variance , which he did with so much dexterity , that one might perceive how he made it his study : What ever he knew his Fa●her dislik'd in his Mother , that he made her continually acting : and what his Mother approv'd not of in his Father , of that he render'd his Father alwayes most guilty . CHAP. IV. How his Father sent him to School , and how he there set the Boyes against their Master , and bred differences between the Master and his Wife . BUT when these tricks of the young stripling were reveal'd to his Father , he bethought himself of ridding this little vermin out of his house : Wherefore he caused great search to be made after a worthy Pedagogue : and at length one was found and brought unto him : To whom the Father of the stripling thus said , Sir Pedagogue , I have here a Son whom I woul● have thee to instruct , and bring up with great care ; the●efore if thou wilt take him , and keep him seven years , and give him such instruction as thou art able , I will after that greatly advance thee and thy generation . Sir Pedagogue made the Father of the youth a great bow , and a most obsequious leg , and said unto him , Sir Knight , I will perform all thy commands . Thereupon he took the stripling home , and endoctrinated him with very exceeding paines . But long had not the young Lad bin there , but according to his usual course he sowed such seeds of dissention among the Boyes , that instead of their former obedience and respect , they exercised now nothing but rebellion and disobedience : It was enough for the Master who before could frown every Schollar he had into a loosness , now to beseech them to lay down their Brick-brats . His Wife too , who had before so long been loving to him , now scolds at him like a Butter-whore , and he hates her that so lately was so dear to him . Fathers complaine ▪ the Master fumes , the Mistress rants ▪ the Husband vexes ; in a word , all things are so much out of order , that Sir Pedagogue preferring his present peace before his future advancement resolves to carry back this primum mobile of mischiefe , for such he soon discovered him to be . to his own Parent , not being able him else longer to endure the trouble of his vexatious contrivances : When the ancient Seer beheld his Son so soon return'd unto him he said unto the Pedagogue , What are the seven years expir'd already ? Then said the Pedagogue , I well know Sir Knight , that the seven years are not yet expired ; but so great do I find the capacity of your Son , that should I keep him as my poor gymnasyolum , I should both wrong you ▪ and injure the Youth : Therefore have I restor'd him to you again , that you may provide for him according to his wonderful and most forward genius . The crasty Fox his Father too well knew the disposition of his young Cub , therefore said he unto the Pedagogue , O no! This is not the cause of my Sons so soon return , I fear something worse , and therefore I conjure thee to tell me the truth : Was hee not wont to set thee and thy Boys together by the eares ? Did she not cause much strife and contention between thee and thy Wife , so that neither thou , nor they , nor she could rest in quiet for him : To which the Pedagogue made answer , that since he must confess the truth , 't was even as he had said , and no otherwise . At which words of the Pedagogue , the old man shook his head as if he would have shaken his teeth out of his mouth ▪ for he was very sorrowful to hear of the evil courses which his yong Son p●oceeded in . CHAP. V. How Sir Vane sent his Son to the King's School , and of the tumults which he raised there by his Sorceries ; how he plotted with the other Boys to breake the Preceptor's neck , and of his Allegory . SIR Vane having had so ill success with his Son in one place . resolves to send him to another , where he might be more severely look'd after : He had not thought long , but he thought of the Kings Schoole : Now it so came to pass , that at that time there lived there a Gyant , who was a very cruel and imperious Dominator over the buttocks of youth , one that spared none , but very grievously and sorely lashed all alike : he was hight Sir O beston , whose School was liks Kalybs Rock , where you heard nothing all day long , but the screeks and ruful groans of children and boyes elaborately corrected . Hither the little Fox came , his Father intending that he should be in this place terrified out of all his designs : But what mortal is able to stop the course of the splendiferous Son , who can quell the raging Boreas , or change the wilde nature of the roaring Lion ? Even so impossible was it to drive back the ill nature of this Youth , though it were with Pitch-forks ; wherefore he went on in his old trade , putting in practise his wonted spells and magical words : the effects whereof did presently appear , for in a little while the Schollars were all in an uproar , some would only study on holy dayes , and play upon working dayes , others would begin at the end of their Books , and read toward the beginning , saying it was the best way , and that the Preceptor was a Dunce : Then because that one of the Preceptors knowing the dangerous consequence of these innovations , st●ove to oppose them , young Sir Vane contrives with them how to break his neck , and so ordered the matter that they should follow the Preceptor to the top of the stairs , and throw him down headlong . But the plot being discovered , he was called to a very strict account . Sirrha quoth the Gyant of the Kings School , what fury hath possessed thy overwhelmed mind , proud princock thus to adventure thy feeble contrivances against the violence of my strong arm : The Youth though confounded with the threatning words of the Gyant , durst not deny what he knew was so well known ; and therefore he sought to put it off with an Allegory , for he was full sore afraid of the Gyant , who had then in his hand a great Tree which he mannaged with as much dexterity , as if it had been a Ferula ; Sir Gyant , quoth he , I do deny that ere I advised any Person to break the Preceptors neck . How quoth the Gyant , can you deny what is already proved to your face ? Then answer'd the youn Sorcerer I am not rightly understood , for I perswaded them not to break the substantial neck of the Preceptor , but the invisible neck of his pride . Then quoth the Gyant , Oh Uarlet ! hast thou such fine excuses so early for thy mischief ? but the shall stand thee in little stead . Then the Gyant caused his breeches to be taken down , and his shixt to be taken up , and with his Tree so nimbly bestirred himself , and laid such vehement blows upon his flesh , that they seemed to shake the Earth . There quoth the Gyant , take the deserved reward of thy treasons , and be gone from hence thou wicked and destructive vermine , for I will no more endure thee , since I have now broken thy charms wherewith thou didst intend to have enchanted my Castle . CHAP. VI. How he was sent into Nova Anglia , and how he prevailed there also by his Sorceries , how he was thrust out again by the people of that place , and what the Seer Cotton said to him at his departure . AFter that the Gyant of the Kings School had thus expelled him , he betook himself to the Court , but because he could be pleas'd with nothing , he also took very great distast at the government of the king who then reigned in Britain . Wherfore he began to give his inchanted Cup about , and many drank thereof and were poysoned so that there appeared great signs of future contentions and confusions among those of the Court who were the Kings subjects by reason of his coming thither , which when his father saw , he greatly feared the inconveniencies which might arise from the sorceries of his Son , wherefore he contrived how he might send him out of the Land. Therefore he devised with the King that he might be sent away unto Nova Anglia as Governour of that place ; Now so it was that at that time the people of that Countrey , as most people that are but newly seized in their possessions lived in great peace and quiet , and served the God of their Country with exceeding unity , but no sooner was Sir Vane come thither , but he caused a wonderfull alteration of affaires among the people . He had delivered into his hands all the chief Castles of the Countrey , so that he commanded with a very great controuls ; Then said Sir Vane unto the people of the Land , is it fit that yee should maintain a company of idle persons here only for talking unto you in your Temples once a week ; are not yee your selves able to do as much ? yea and more if you would set your selves thereunto , why should you then part with such a considerable share of the swe●t of your browes , and that upon so triviall a score ; When the people examin●d these things , they seemed very plausible at first , whereupon some of them deny'd to pay the Priest his due , others drew away the people from their Priests , and instructed them in the Fields , and their private Houses , having the Temples in great contempt and derision , which when the Priests perceived , they were greatly displeased , and cursed the people , then the people cursed them , so that in a short while their private animosities brake forth into publick rage one against the other . When the Elders of the Land saw the confusion which was likely to happen , they resolved to remove the cause of their mischief ; therfore they went to Sir Vane and sharply rebuking him , bid him prepare to be gone out of their Countrey , for that they had provided a ship , & a Coach to carry him to the sea . Sir Vane who was an errant Coward , durst not deny them , so they plac'd him in a Cart , causing him to sit down on an old Trunck on that part which is over the Horse ; after this said the Elders unto the people , this is he that hath caused all this mischiefe among us ; Then the people follow'd him , hooping and hollowing , not ceasing to throw dirt and stones at him till he was got into the Ship ; The Seer Cotton seeing him departed said unto the people , let us now return with joy that this Uiper hath left us , for he is the bane of Nations , nor can any greater unhappiness befall a Land than for him to set his foot there . When with tears in his eyes he cryed out Oh England , England , better is it that that Ship should perish with the Master , and all the Marriners , then that that young Man whom thou didst breed should return unto thee again . CHAP. VII . How Sir Vane was honoured by the Priest of the Temple of Blind Zeal , and how he was by the said Priest anointed Knight of the Order of the most misterious Allegories . AFter this it came to passe that when the Priest of the Temple of Blind Zeal heard of the great fame of Sir Vane , and of the opinions which he held , he thought the time long till he could come to interparley with him . For said he to himself our Religion is built upon the bases of anarchy and confusion , to the establishing of which all the imaginations of this Mans brains do tend ; Wherefore the Priest sent unto him two fellows that were shabby , whose Shooes were tyed with packthread , and in whose eyes Cuffs were as the abominations of the Heathen , who calling for the Man of the House , presented him with this Epistle . The Priest of the Order of Blind Zeal , to the most mischievous of men Sir Vane , high in his imaginations , low in his deserts , and most imperious in his Councel . My Son , HAving lately heard of thy great virtues so agreeable with the Heresies which I professe , according to the dictates of that powerful Goddesse whose chief Priest I am , I could not choose but send unto thee these two slovenly fellows partly to confirme thee , and partly to scrape acquaintance with thee . I do find that thou dost imitate Mahomet very well and dost indeavour to root up one Religion by letting in another to overpower it . Stay ye● but a little while , and I will be with thee and help thee with my exhortations , in the mean time be kind unto those two whom I have sent unto thee , for the one is a Tinker , the other a Currier , but both great Deceivers . Farewell . When Sir Vane had read this Epistle , he was then also covetous of the acquaintance of the High Priest , and immediately sent for him ; when he was come , they discoursed together , and when they had so done , they were filled with joy at the sight of each other : For he talked unto the High Priest in most high and misterious Allegories , saying unto him that Magistracy was the Throne and Seat of the Beast . That the Rulers of the Earth must be brought at last to serve him and his faction ; That his people are not to be subject to the Iudicials of Mo●es ; That the new Creature is faith , which translates a Man out of the naturall into the spirituall body , and is called his new Creature state ; That all Ministers that have the Father and the Son , need not run to the Majestrate for maintenance . That all Ministers that upheld Stéeple Houses were the relicts of Popery ; That the fal● of Adam was only a type of the instability of fortune . That the Devill is the universall worldly spirit , exercising dominion and rule under various formes and administrations of government . That learning and Universities are of dangerous consequences in a well order'd government . When the High Priest heard him speak these things he marvelled very much , and greatly praised him , for that quoth he , if these things were well taught , and well beleiv'd , they would doubtlesse destroy the religion of the Christians , who are our most mortall enemies . Then did the High Priest bow unto Sir Vane saying to him , Thou art in power , and as thou endeavourest to doe our work so is it fit that thou shouldst receive honour from us . 'T is true quoth he , thou art a Knight after the order of the Christians , but throw it off , for it will be very injurious unto thee ; and take from me a title which shall be more beneficiall , and comfort thy self in this that then thou shalt be a better Knight then any in the World. Then did the High Priest aske him whether he could fight or no. To which Sir Vane reply'd that he never could nor never would fight . The High Priest was right glad of this , for that he could now performe the office himself by anointing , whereas otherwise he must have been forc'd to have sent for a Warriour on purpose to have dub'd him . Thus the High Priest took leave for the time , telling him that in thrée days he would returne ; desiring him in that space to prepare himselfe for the honour he was to receive . He was to eate nothing but emblematicall dyet , as round cabbages which seeme to resemble the Earth , and its destruction by fire , in that they are to be boyl'd before they can be eaten . He was likewise to feed upon Swines flesh because a Hog was the embleme of ingratitude : he might likewise feed upon Horse flesh , because the Bible spake much of them , and that eating them out of the way was the only means to keep Men from not putting their trust in them ; He might drink botled Claret by reason of its emblematicall life and quickness , and he might likewise take Tobacco if his Pipe had this motto on it , Evanescit ut su nus ; but he was forbid to drink Greek Wine because that the Christians us'd it at their Communions . In the mean while the High Priest , being loath to defile so great a solemnity with any oyle that had been unhallow'd by the touch of the Christians , sent two of his Disciples to cut off a great peice of a certaine Whale which was kil'd a little before in the River of Thame●is , which accident they attributed to the kind provision of the Goddess blind Zeal , thereof to make a sacred oyle of their own , and which they pray'd the Goddess blind Zeal to allow of for their purpose ; This done , after the end of thrée dayes the High Priest return'd to Sir Vane , whom he first question'd concerning the performance of what he had commanded , who whether he had done it or no , so well dissembled his past obedience that the High Priest oft times gave credit unto his saying ; Then the High Priest proceeding , it is now Sir Vane quoth he , that I must cause thee to kneel , that others after this may be bound to kneel to thee ; To which when Sir Vane had yielded , he poured the Trane Oyle upon his locks , bidding him then to rise up Sir Vane , Knight of the Order of the most mysterious Allegories . Then giving him some few instructions , as that he should be zealous in carrying on the great work of building up Babell , which the God of the Christians had for so long time hindred from being finish'd , and that he should seek nothing but the advancement of confusion and Atheisme , most solemnly he took his leave of Sir Vane , and retired into his Temple which was situate in that part of the Metropolis of Britain cal'd Colemanstreet , CHAP. VIII . How Sir Lambert Knight of the Golden Tulep , and Sir Vane Knight of the most mysterious Allegories , made a League together . THE honour done to Sir Vane being greatly noised abroad , and his dexterity in mischiefe being very well known , Sir Lambert thinking him a fit instrument for the effecting his design , came to him and exceedingly desired his assistance . Then said Sir Vane unto the Knight of the Golden Tulep , I am right glad to see so good a Knight at my Castle . Know then Sir Lambert that I have always bare you a very great lov● , neither is there any Knight in Brittain whom I honour like unto your self , I know right well that thou dost far exceed in feats of Armes , and that I am right craftier in councell ; wherefore then should we suffer the Meek Knight to be chief Soldan over us . who is not at all like unto thée for Chivalry ? Why do we not revenge on him the injuries done us by his Father ? When Sir Lambert heard this , he waxed greatly in wrath with the Meek Knight , and sware by his sturdy steed Snorter , that he would not cease till he had pulled the Souldan out of his Palace by the ears , so that he might have the advice of the Knight of the most mysterions Allegories . Then Sir Vane promised to assist Sir Lambert all that he might , on condition that he should be the next in dignity to him when he was chief Soldan . Then Sir Lambert swore unto Sir Vane by all the soules of his Ancestors that so it should be ; And moreover quoth Sir Lambert , in token of this friendship between us , I freely give the fair Maid of Wimbleton my Daughter unto thy eldest Son so well known by the name of the overgrown Child ; and know right well Sir Vane that she is a right comely Dame , and one for whom many a sturdier Knight then he would be content to try the sharpnesse of their blood thirsty lances . She shall have for her Dowry my Palace of Wimbleton , once the Dowry of a Queen , and ●f my sword fail me not I may chance to make her chief Soldaness of Brittain . When Sir Vane heard this he looked full jocandly ●pon Sir Lambert ; Then they clipped and hugged one another , and sware to be as true to one anothers interest , as the Cripples of the Forrest of Covent Garden are to one another in concealing the Rogueries which they commit . CHAP. IX . How the Knight of the Golden Tulep , and the Knight of the mysterious Allegories came to the Castle of Sir Fleetwood the contemptible Knight , where they met with the grim Gyant Desborough , and how they went all three and pulled the Meek Knight who was then cheif Soldan out of his Palace by night . SIR Lambert séeing now fortune begin again to cast her wonted smiles upon him , resolved to make use of her while she was in a good humour , wherefore he shew'd great willingnesse to Sir Vane to goe on in his intended designe . Then said Sir Vane , why should our delay be any hindrance unto us . Let us incontinently goe unto Sir Fleetwood the contemptible Knight , who hath great power over the Soldans Forces , I know right well that I can with ease cause him to doe whatever I list , for that his understanding is excéeding shallow , and we will make him to beleive that he shall be chief Soldan , on condition that he will help us for to depose the Meek Knight Sir Lambert was right glad of this advice , so they rode on toward the Forrest of Saint Iames , néer unto which stood the Castle of the contemptible Knight . They were no sooner come to the Gate , but they were conducted by gentle Stamford , ( who was chief Squire to Sir Fleetwood , ) up unto his Masters lodging . Then said Sir Vane unto the Contemptible Knight , rouse up thy self thou Man of courage , and let us not be in bondage unto the Meek Knight , who is young and hath not understanding and wisedome su●ficing for so great an employment . Hast thou not been ●n all the Soldans Warres ? Think then how treacherously the Soldan has dealt with thée , in preferring the Meek Knight his Son before thee . 'T is true then answered Sir Fleetwood , that it is the desire of my heart to make my self chief Soldan , but there are so many valorous Knights that will oppose me , that I feare much to undertake the enterprise . Then said sir Lambert I know right well sir Flee●wood , that without force we can little availe , but of that I make no question , knowing the great honour and reverence which the Host of the Soldan beareth to me . Moreover I have told many of them that which I intend , and they are resolved with me to live and dye . Then said sir Fleetwood right cunningly , since that you sir Lambert can prevail so much by your own power , let not me interpose my weak force to injure the fame of so worthy a Knight , But sir Lambert who was as cunning as he , reply'd that he would not adventure without him , that as he was chief in power he should be chief in the undertaking . Alas sir Fleetwood quoth the Knight of the Golden Tulep , think you that I am arrived here to rob so hardy a Knight as you are of your prize ; No sir Fle●twood for I only come at the request of the good Knight sir Vane to proffer my assistance , which if you shall not think fit to receive , I am ready to retire , for that there be other Forrests and Castles to seek adventures in besides those which are in this Countrey . Sir Fleetwood was right glad of what Sir Lambert said , so that according to his custome he wept for joy , not thinking that the Knight of the Golden Tulep had spoken treacherously . As they were thus parlying together in came the grim Gyant Desborough , who lived in the Forrest of Saint Iames that was close by . With your leave Sir Knights quoth he , I am come here to visit my Brother the Contemptible Knight , and I ho●e that does not offend yee If yée think your selves affronted , and that any of yee be so hardy as to dare fight in defence of the meek Knight , I doe here openly challenge him the combate , for that I doe abominably hate the Meek Knight and all his adherents ; Then answered sir Lambert and sir Vane , that they were as mortall enemies to the Soldane as he was , and therefore they desired the Gyant not to think amisse of them . Say you so quoth the Gyant Desborough , then you say well , else had I crush'd ye to péeces in my fury , like rotten apples ; then procéeding , quoth he , what shall we do with this proud Prin●●●● who hath raised himself to be a Soldane over us ? Is it fit that the Unkle should be govern'd by the Nephew ? Sir Vane willing all he could to incense the Gyant to anger ; told him that it was an allegory of the Worlds confusion , when Children rule their Parents . Upon that the Gyant Desborough stamped so hard upon the floore , that you might have heard it a mile off , and swore by all his Country Gods , that his Nephew the Meek Knight should no longer live , if he refus'd to resign his Soldanship ; the words were no sooner out of his mouth , but he drawes out a whole Canon out of his pocket , charg'd wich a brace of Bullets , each weighing twenty pound , and cocking the same , commanded the Contemptible Knight , with the Knight of the Golden Tulep , to follow him . It was now night , and pale Cinthia had withdrawn her light from the World , unwilling to behold the treacherous actions of mortals ; when they began their journey toward the Palace of the Soldane , they rode hard , and being soon arrived there , they went directly to the Soldans lodging , for that the Soldans janisaries being before corrupted , gave them frée accesse . Then said the Gyant to the Soldane , proud Peacock thinkst thou to pearch over thy betters any longer ? resign thy power , thy Scepter , and thy Royal Robes , and dissolve thy Councell that thou kéepest to plot against us , or I will take thée such a blow on the pate ▪ that I will make thy head ring noon , and send thée to the infernal shades , there so make vain complaints to Pluto of thy misfortunes , wi●h that the Gyant Desborough heaved up his weighty Instrument of death , on purpose to have given him such a blow as should have rent the foundations of his noddle ; The Meek Knigh● was astonied at the sight , and stood for a while as one that were dumb , but seeing the danger that his brains were in , he fell on his knees before the Gyant Desborough , beseeching him in gentle courtesie to distressed Knights , that he would spare his life , and he would submit to whatever the Gyant should command ; Hereupon they disrob'd him of his apparell , and attired him in simple and base array , his armes that were lately employ'd to weild the mighty Scepter , they now strongly fetter'd up in Iron bolts , and so conveyed him to a desolate Dungeon , which belonged unto his own Palace , where he had nothing to do but to make these sad Lamentations , O cruel destinies , why is this grievous punishment allotted to my penance ; have I conspired against the Majesty of Heaven , that they have thrown this vengeance on my head , shall I never recover my former liberty , that I may be revenged one way or other upon the causers of my imprisonment ; May the Plagues of Pharaoh light upon their Counties , and the miseries of Oedipus on their Tenants , that they may be eye witnesses of their daughters ravishment , and behold their Mansion houses flameing like the burning battlements of Troy. Thus lamented he the losse of his liberty , accursing his birth day , and the hour of his creation ; his sighs exceeded the number of the Ocean sands , and his tears the Water-bubbles in a rainy day , in which condition we shall leave him , and go to talk of something else . CHAP. X. How Sir Vane's Son Icleped ( the overgrown Child ) courted the fair Maid of Wimbleton , and of the gown which she bespoke , and how 5000. Jewellers wrought day and night to finish it . LEave we now to speak of the Meek Knight , and return we to relate what happen'd between the Son of Sir Vane , Icleped the overgrown Childe , and the fair Maid of Wimbleton , whom partly in pursuance of his Fathers commands , partly out of an eager desire he had to be doing , he did very hotly pursue in the way of love , and so forth . Sir Van● was very glad of the match , hoping thereby that after the death of the Knight of the Golden Tulep , his Son might come to be chief● Soldane ; And Sir Lambert lik'd it , knowing that well he could not come to be Soldane himself without his friendship and assistance ; which he had no other way to make sure to himself but by so near an alliance betwéen their Families . Therefore when the overgrown Childe had dressed himself as fine as any fippence , he called straightway for his Fathers Chariot , and bid the Charioter drive unto the Palace of Sir Lambert : When he came unto the Gate , the Porter oftsoones opened the Gate , that he might have entrance ; Then was he straightway beheld by one of the Pages to the Fair Maid , who with great reverence met him and conducted him to the chamber where his Lady did repose her self ; When the overgrown Childe came into the room , he was excéedingly amazed to behold the beauty of his Mistrisse , so that he remained dumb for a great space . While he stood in this posture , his backside being asham'd that his mouth should be so silent , open'd it self , and with one single monosyllable did so alarum the company , that it is thought that the fair Maid of Wimbleton would have béen very angry had he come only as an ordinary Suitor . Some say the overgrown Childe , did this unawares , but others more probably affirm , that he had a double end in it , either because he saw himself in such an amaze , to make his Mistrisse amaz'd at him as well as he was at her , or else hopeing that the good nature of his Lady might cause her to blush for his miscarriage , whereby he might have an opportuni●y to sée the full blown roses of her chéekes ; but as soon as he was recover'd of his extasie , he began to bethink himself of saying something that might be acceptable unto the fair Lady , whom he so admired ; Most divine and péerlesse Paragon , quoth he , Thou only wonder of the World for beauty , and excellent parts of nature , know that thy two twinkling eyes that shine more bright then the stars of Heaven , being the true darts of love , have pierced my heart , and those thy crimson chéekes as lovely as Aurora's countenance have wounded me with love . Therefore except thou grant me kind comfort , I am like to spend the rest of my dayes in sorrow , care and discontent . To this the Fair Maid of Wimbleton reply'd , that she return'd him many thanks for the courteous proffer of his affection . Gentle Sir , quoth she , séeing that it is the will of my Father , that we two should lye together in one bed , let not his will be resisted , but let us enjoy one another as soon as we can , for often hath my Nurse spoken proverbially unto me , saying , Happy is that woing , which is not long a doing . When it was known that the two parties had got one the others affection , the Bonefires blaze , the Bells rang , and Sir Lambert and Sir Vane were both drunk that night for joy . Then were there great preparations for the solemnization of these most Royal Nuptials , but that which surpassed all , was the Gown in which she was to appear when she was to goe unto the Temple ; indéed so great was the rarity of it , that it requires a golden Pen to write it , and a tongue washt in the conservatives of the Muses honey , to declare it ; for it was to be made of Diamonds , set in Kings of Barbery Gold. The toyle was great , so that it required a multitude of Artificers to accomplish the same ; therefore they sought far and near for Men of Art , and in a short space they got together to the number of five thousand , who wrought day and night in their several employments to carry on the great work . These Diamonds were all enchanted by Magick Art , and the vertues of them were so pretious , that it is almost incredible to report : For therein one might behold the secret mysteries of all the liberal Sciences , and by art discover what was practised in the Courts of other Princes ; If any Hill within a thousand miles of the place were enriched wi●h a Mine of Gold , they would describe the place and Country , and how deep it lay closed in the Earth . By t●em you might truly calculate upon the birth of Children , succession of Princes , and the continuance of Commonwealths , with many other excellent vertues , which I omit for this time . CHAP. XI . How Sir Lambert went to fight against the Christians in the Land of Cheshire , how he overthr●w them , and of the challenge that was sent h●m by the Swinh●ard of Maxfield . SIR Lambert and the Gyant Desborough having as we said before , divested the Soldane of his power , and cast him into Prison , they set up in his stead ●●urty Tyrants to govern in his room , untill Sir Lambert could come to be Soldane himself ; For you must know that all the Paynims that were in armes , were under the command of Sir Lambert . Now these fourty Tyrants being in power , for they were Paynim● also , tyranniz'd over the Christian● in most grievous wise ; So that when the Christians could no longer endure the sad and heavy oppressions of the Paynim● , which were indeed more lamentable then tongue can expresse , they were resolved to be avenged of the Paynims , and to rise up in armes against them . For you are to understand , that the Christians had a King of their own , a just and mild Prince , whose right it was to rule over them ; but the Paynims having overthrown him in battell , forc'd him to quit his lawfull inheritance , and to dye out of his Kingdom . But when the Christians groaned under the heynous cruelties of the Paynims , then they bethought themselves again of recalling their King , and of freeing themselves from the power of the Paynims ; Then did the Christians assemble together in many places of the Realm of Bri●ain , forming themselves into Bands and Troopes in most Souldier-like fashion , but no where did they rise in so great numbers as they did in the famous Country of Wa●e● , and the Forrests of Chester ; This so alarum'd the forty panim Tyrants , that they forthwith sent Sir Lambert with a very great Army against them . When Sir Lambert drew neer unto them , he encamped his whole Army excéeding strongly . But when the Christians saw how neer the Army of Sir Lambert was unto them , and how weak they were , by reason that they were disappointed of those succours that were promised them , they were sore afraid , for that their number was but small , and besides this , they were most of them young Men , that never had practiz'd feates of armes before . The Paladine of Chester saw right well in what an ill plight his Troopes were ; wherefore he had no mind to have fought with Sir Lambert at that time : for that Sir Lambert's Forces were all men approved in War , right hardy and couragious , and excéeding many more in number . Sir Lambert well knowing the advantage he had in his numerous Pagans , marched towards the Christians , who were encamped beyond the Dangerous Bridge , with great fury , with an intention for to give them an immediate assault , and force them from the Dangerous Bridge : whereupon the Christians were in great doubt whether they should resist the Pagans , or return again every one to his own home : when loe , upstood the Swinheard of Maxfield , otherwise call'd the namelesse Knight , and utter'd his mind in these words , My most dearly beloved Countrymen , quoth he , the badnesse of our present condition right well I understand and how basely we are betrayd through the vile enchan●ments of Scoto the Necromancer ; However I question not but to break all his charms , whereby we may be free from the fury of those cursed Pagans that seek nothing but our ruine . When the Paladine heard this , he bad him take his course . Then the Swinheard of Maxfield mounted himself on a Courser , and by his trusty Squire sent him this defyance , himself staying under a Tree to receive his answer . The Swinheard of Maxfield to Sir Lambert Knight of the Golden Tulep . Sir Lambert , I have heard ere now of thy valour , but know that I fear thee no more then the Lyon feareth the timorous Hare ; I am resolved therefore to meet thee at the head of all thy Troopes , there to try the force of thy Sword , nor do thou disdain to accept the challenge of a Swinheard , who may chance to prove as good a Knight as thy self ; When Sir Lambert read the challenge , he said no more to the Squire , but only bad him to take notice of the colour of his Horse , and of his Burgonet . Then the Squire rode away , and Sir Lambert press'd forward toward the Dangerous Bridge , to encounter the Christians ; Then ther● began a sharp conflict betwixt the Christians and the Panims , wherein for a while the Christians behaved themselves with great confidence and prowess . For the Swinheard beholding the Horse and Burgonet that his Squire had describ'd unto him , with great courage spurr'd on his faithfull stéed , ( which was a most remarkable one , for that it was a Horse that had but lately belong'd to the Knight of th' inchanted Mill ) and without giving him the least notice of what he intended , he struck him so terrible a blow upon the visor of his Helmet , that with the fury thereof , he made sparkles of fire to issue out in great abundance , and forc'd him to bow his head unto his breast ; but Sir Lambert soon return'd unto him his salutation , and struck the Swinheard such a desperate blow on the top of the Helmet , that the great noise thereof made a sound in all the mountaines , and so began betwéen them a most marvellous and fearfull battel ; for now Sir Lambert and the Swinheard , thought no other thing but how to overthrow each other , striking each at other such terrible blows , as many times it made either of them sencelesse , and both séeing the force of one another , were marveilously incensed with anger . At length the Sw●●hear● gave Sir Lambert such a terrible blow , that if it had hit right upon him , it would have cloven his head in péeces but with great discretion Sir Lambert cleared himself thereof , so that it was strucken in vain , so that with great lightnesse he retired and struck the Swinheard so furiously , that he fell quite astonied to the Earth , without any féeling , then might you soon perceive by the abundance of blood that issued out of his mouth , and through the visor of his Helmet that the Swinheard was now ready to breath his last . Sir Lambert having thus overthrown the Swinheard , with great eagernesse pursu'd the Christians , who being over-powred by the numbers of the Pagans , thought it safer to commit themselves to the protection of by-paths , and wayes unknown to the enemy , rather then to yield to the cruelty of the mercilesse Pagans ▪ When Sir Lambert had obtained this victory , he caus'd it to be spread far and near , making it ten times as great as indéed it was , and he wrote unto the ●ourty Tyrants , to give them notice thereof , who thereupon honour'd him as a God , and sent him presents of gold , and pretious stones ; but he cared not for the fourty Tyrants , nor for their presents neither , but gave them unto his Souldiers , who admired him for his courtesie ; for he thought that because he had overcome this small handfull of the Christians , that he was now able to overcome all the World ; However as then he held fair correspondence with the ●ourty Tyrants , because he was at a far distance for them , and for that he could not do any thing farther , till he had consulted with Sir Van● , how far he might presume upon his new successe . CHAP. XII . How Sir Lambert returned to the good City of London , and of the Feast which Sir Vane made him , and how they consulted to put down the forty Tyrants . AFter this battell sir Lambert returned with great joy and triumph to the good City ●f London , where he was expected with much earnestnesse by sir Vane the Gyant Desborough , and sir Fleetwood the Contemptible Knight . When sir Vane heard that ●ir Lambert was returning , he was ●ight glad , and resolved forthwith to goe and meet him , and conduct him to the City . Eftsoones therefore he called his dwarfe to bring him his palfrey , and being mounted , he took on his journey . He was clad 〈◊〉 a slame coloured suit of Neapol● ▪ an silk , which was partly ●mblematical , partly for instruction ; emblemetical in regard it signified his zeal to what he undertook ; and as to instruction , it show'd us , that though the silk came from Naples , an abominable and sinfull City , yet that a Man was never the worse for wearing it , so that he did 〈◊〉 upon an enigmaticall score . His Hat was likewise of a strange fashion , for behind it hang down on his back with a long flappet to keep off the rain ; but before it had no brim at all to shew that a M●n ought to put away all things that hinde● him ●rom looking toward the heavens . O● his Shield was pictur'd fortune standing on a Rock with this inscription underneath , She is thus mine ; In this mysterious garb he came into the Forrest of Barnet , where when he saw sir Lambert , he al●ghted from his Palfrey , and sir Lambert did the like , and then they embraced one another most lo●ingly , quoth sir Vane , I am right glad Sir Lambert of this your safe and happy return ▪ and for the great victory which you have won , whereby you are now esteem●d one of the most worthy Champions of Europe , and right well I know that you have done your part , and that now it remains for me to doe mine , therefore let us proceed on our journey , and if I doe not play the Fox as well as you have playd the Lyon , let me be deprived of my Knighthood , which I hold the greatest honour which I have in the World. For you must know , that although sir Lambert were indeed as right cunning a Knave as Sir Vane , yet in councell sir Vane would never give him the superiority , though at knocks he alwayes let him goe before him . Sir Lambert submitted with all gentlenesse unto the spéech of sir Vane , and so they came together unto the good City of London ; When they pass●d through the Town , the people of the City were all very sad , and in great perplexity , for they cared not at all for sir Lambert , nor for his successe , but wished with all their hearts that he had been slain by the Swinheard o● Maxfield . But they on the other side who had no reason to be in such heavy plight , made great rejoycings among themselves , feasting and banquetting one another in most ample manner ; but the banquet which sir Vane made exceeded all the rest , not so much for the riches , as for the strangenesse thereof , for he made use not only of the meates and drinkes of the Christians , but of those also of the Heathen , as Pillaw , and Sherbet , intimating thereby , that as he made use of all sorts of dyet to sustain nature , so sir Lambert ought to make use of all sorts of interests to make himself great . When they had ended their feasting , sir Vane and sir Lambert retired into a private roome , there to take councell concerning their affaires . Sir Lambert disclosed then unto sir Vane all that was hidden in his brest , of his desire to make himself Soldan , and his intention to put down the Forty Tyrants ; but withall he discover'd his feare to attempt such an enterprize which would be so dangerous if not accomplish'd . But sir Vane , who out of his cowardly nature lov'd to keep himself out of all perill , but cared not upon what dangers he put others ▪ reply'd , That sir Lambert had no cause at all to be timorous , for that the forty Tyrants were ill beloved of the people , and he will beloved of all the old Soldans Host. That the Gyant Desborough , and sir Fleetwood the Contemptible Knight , were sure to him . To which sir Lambert answer'd , That 't was true that he thought he could with much ease put down the forty Tyrants , but what must we do then ? cryes he ; To which sir Vane reply'd , Leave that to me , I have a Plot in my head ; and the more to encourage sir Lambert , he repeated to him a certain Prophesy , the which ran in these words . The Prophesy . When the dead shall awake to joyn themselves with the living , then shall valour be at her height and beauty in the supremest point of her glory . This prophesy , know right well sir Lambert , so said sir Vane , can concern no Person living but thy self , as I shall show thee by the easy exposition thereof , which flows without any force from the words . When the dead shall come to joyn themselves with the living , that is , when we who in the time of the Soldan were dead as to the affairs of this World , shall come to joyn our selves with the living , that is , with the Gyant Desborough , and sir Fleetwood , who were in great authority while the Soldan was in being , then shall valour be at her height , that is then shall your self who are right valourous be Soldan , and beauty be in the supreamest point of her glory ; as much as to say , your passing beautious Lady shall be Sol●anesse . When sir Lambert heard this , he took up a new resolution , and resolved to venter what ere come of it . Then said sir Lambert to the Knight of the Mysterious Allegories , Sir Vane thy wisdom is to be extolled , and thy words to be prized above fine Gold. Wherefore let us as 〈◊〉 as we gave smoaked out our pipes go and talk with sir Fleetwood , and my couzen the Gyant Desborough concerning it ; for it they ● but joyn with us , I le go presently about my work . CHAP. XIII . How do● Hizlerigo the Knight with the hot head , being one of the forty Tyrants , suspected the intention of sir Lambert , and how he would have had Scoto the egromancer have enchan●ed him , and put him into his Castle at Lambethe , and how he cuft his Dwarf for playing at Span-Fa●thing . SIR Lambert being now full of hopes , and greatly swelled with the prophesy which Sir Vane had told him of , h● began now to be very active in the prosecution of his design ; But when he saw that the two Gyants Icleped , Creed aud Berry were come to joyn with him , and that sir Lilburn the degraded Viceroy was also come in unto his party , he eftsoones resolved by the advice of sir Vane to make known some of his desires to the Forty Tyrants . When the forty Tyrants read them , they liked them not at all , but were highly provoked , especially Don Hazlerigo , the Knight ●ith the hot head , who being the most passionate Person in the World , fell into such a rage , that many of the forty Tyrants themselves , though they knew his kindnesse to them , did greatly tremble thereat Quoth he , how dares thie Princock thus presume ; am not I the wisest , and the most valarous Knight that ever Oceana brought forth , how happeneth it then that the gods permit this contest between us ? Hare they no Thunderbolts to lend me that I may nail this bo●d audatious Traytor to the Earth , Then turning to the forty Tyrants , am not I above yée all , quoth he , why doe yée then not do what I command ? Let there be a great Caldron fetch'd and let this presumptious Traytor be boyled th●rein , and wher he is boy●d , he is boyl'd , and there will be an end of him Hereupon one of the forty Tyrants said that Don Hazlerigo had spoken like a right worthy Cavali●r ; and if all m●n were of his mind there want●d nothing but a Caldron . ●on H●zlerigo rep●y'd , that he had one at whom wherein his ●amsels did boyl foule cloathes , and 〈◊〉 Livers for his meaner Servants , and thereupon he called his Dwarfe to fetc● it ; but the Dwarfe not answering to the call , Don Hazlerigo in great fury went forth to seek him . Oh the sad disastrous fate of the unfortunate Dwarfe ? For Don Hazlerigo no sooner sought for him , but he beheld him playing at Span-farthing in the Yard belonging to the Palace of Westmonasterium , Dare you there , quoth Don Hazlerigo in great despite , I 'le be with you eftsoones . He was no sooner neere him , but he reach'd the Dwarfe such a cuffe on the ear that you might have heard the blow crosse the River of Thamesis unto the Temple of Saint Maryovers , crying out in great rage , fetch me the huge Caldron , sirrha : the Dwarfe who neither knew the meaning of his words nor of his blowes , was in a great amaze , but at length recollecting himself quoth he , am not I as good a Squire as he that belonged unto the Baron of Stamfordia , yet he be at the famous Don Hazlerigo , why may not I ? with that he laid his truncheon on the brest of Don Hazlerigo , with such a force that he was scarce able to keep himself from failing backward . Don Hazlerigo having thus miss'd of the Caldron . returnes again with as much haste as he could ( for the Dwarfe hard pursu'd him ) unto the forty Tyrants . with whom he saw it was much safer to contend then with his Dwarfe . He sum'd , and they star'd he ●oamed , and they were astonish'd he could not speak for anger , neither durst they speak to him seeing him so angry , Yet they could not choose but ask him where the Caldron was , to which after much stamping and staring , he reply'd that he had found out another sort of punishment which he esteem'd far better . Then turning himself to Scoto the Negromancer , he thus revil'd him . Where are all thy charmes nocturnall Scoto , have all thy spirits for sake● thée , hast thou now no power over the great Belzebub , who is also Icleped Lucifer , to what end hast thou thy enchanted Castle at Lambetho , if thou makest no use therof ; awake great Scoto from thy dreaming trance , and raise a troop of infernall feinds to shelter thee from the ruine that will else befall thée ; When Scoto heard Don Hazlerigo say thus , quoth he , Right valiant Knight , if thou w●●t bring sir Lambert unto me , that my charmes may lay hold of him , I will put him in my Castle of Lambetho , from whence it shall be in the power of no Knight to free him , but at present I cannot prevail , for that the spirits which belong to Sir Vane the Sorcerer , are as strong to defend him , as mine are to doe him annoyance , Yet is there one way left , and that is for thee to take with thée some thrée or four other Knights like thy self , then must you be sure to lay hold on him at such a time when he hath nothing on him but his shirt , for then he shall not be able to resist the charmes which are laid upon him , so that we shall have our wills of him to doe what we please with him . When Don Hazlerigo heard this , he vanish'd immediately from the forty Tyrants , telling them what strange exploits he would doe ere he came back . CHAP. IX . How sir Lambert put down the Forty Tyrants , and how he and the Baron of Sussex jested together . VVhen sir Lambert heard of the intention of Don Hazlerigo , and the rest of the forty Tyrants , and of their cruel plot which was to have him sodden to death , he waxed sore in wrath , and caused the muster rolls to be numbred of those that were resolved to stand by him , and when he saw himselfe strong enough to deale with the fo●●y Ty●ants , he went into the Chamber of Councell , where he found Sir Vane , the Gyant Desborough , Sir Berry the Knight of the Colepit , the Gyant Creed , the Contemptible Knight , and the Gyant Husonius called also Polyphem , to whom he spake in these words , Right worthy Champions ▪ YEE know right well that I am not apt to seek that by force which I could obtaine by fair means . How I am injured by the forty Tyrants you understand , neither am I ignorant how yee are all affronted for my sake , should I therefore now forsake you , I should be a greater Traytor to you my friends then to my selfe ; but since it is so , I vow never to sleep in bed of down , nor to unbuckle my Shield from my weary armes till I have q●●lled your foes , and given you full power over your enemies . These heroicall speeches were no sooner finished , but the Champions arming themselves with approved Corselets , and taking unto them their trusty swords , told him how ready they were to follow him in any undertaking . Now had Aurora chas'd away the all to be spangled darkness , when lo sir Lambert , intending to do by the forty Tyrants as Aurora had done before by the black brow'd Night , assembles his forces together , and pitches his tent close by the palace of the forty Tirants . But they having no●ice of his comming , musterd their powers also together , and sent them against Sir Lambert under the command of a right valiant Knight cal'd the Baron of Sussex , and now they stood opposite each to other within the reach of the dismall Gun ; It was thought that these engines would have by and by breathed out their fury in flames of fire , and have sent their leaden Messengers to seare up the vains of mortals , and dam up the passages of life , but Sir Lambert , who was as valiant as he was cunning , and as cunning as he was valiant , and so either both valiant and cunning , or else neither cunning nor valiant was loath to fight , for he fear'd the party which was for the lawful King of Brittaine , least they while he was combating against the forty Tyrants , should come and take the power from them both : wherefore he would not engage but sought all other means to suppresse the forty Tyrants that he could . Now as he was riding about , he met the chief of the forty Tyrants , who was the Knight of the gilt Mace , whom they had made Generall of the Forces of Sir Lambert , coming to the assistance of the forty Tyrants , and all the way he came he cry'd to the Souldiers of sir Lambert , that they should desert Sir Lambert , and yield obedience to him who was their chieftain . But Sir Lambert , unwilling that the Souldiers should hear with that ●are , lights off his Horse , takes up a great brickbat , and fling ● it full at the head of the Knight of the Gilt Mace , and but for the mercy of a kind fate , had dash'd out Sir Lenthal's brains , and then taking the Horses by their bridles , he thrust them , the chariot , and all that were in it quite out of the City of Westmonasterium , as you would thrus● a rolling stone before yée through a Bowling gréen Nor were the Souldiers idle all this while , for what vollies they could not discharge out of their Guns they discharg'd out of their mouthes , calling one another Doggs , Rogues , and Sons of Whores ▪ and that their hands might be 〈◊〉 likewise , they throw at one another ▪ Hand granados , the which according to a new invention among Souldiers , were made of the tops of Turneps bound together with a withe ; While the two ●●e●ce Armies , stood looking so grimly each on the other . Scoto the Negromancer was gotten privately into a high Tower built on the top of the west end of the Temple of Westmonasterium , that when the combat did begin he might assist the forces of the Baron of Sussex by his magick spels . Now quoth he is the battell surely begun , for me thinks I heare the Baron of Sussex cry for help , now is the time that my charming spels must work Sir Lambert's overthrow ; which being said , thrice he kiss'd the flower of the said Tower , and thrice besprinkled the Circle with his own blood , which with a silver razer he let out from his left arme and after that he began to speak in this manner . Stand still yée wandring Lamps of heaven , move not swéet stars till Scoto's charmes be brought to full effect . O thou great Demon , Prince of the damned Ghosts , thou chiefe Commander of those ghastly shapes that rightly glide by misbeleeving Travellers , even thou that holdest a s●aky Scepter in thy hand sitting upon a Throne of burning stéel , even thou whose eyes are like Sawcers , and who tossest burning fire brands abroad like Tennis balls , I charge thée to open thy brazen gates , and send forth thy Legions of infernall fiends , for that of them I now doe stand in great néed . Belzebub being so severely charg'd took the paines not only to ascend to the Earth , but to goe up also to the top of the Tower , to receive the commands of Scoto the Negromancer , who long'd for the encounter that he might set him on work ; But the Devill having staid till night , and séeing nothing for him to doe , was so sorely enraged against Scoto , that he took him by the Legs , intending to have thrown him from the top of the Tower , but afterwards be thinking with himselfe that he should loose a good Servant , and that he should spoyle the story , for that it was never heard in any Romance that any Negromancer was over punish'd till some Knight had ended his enchantments , he ●et Scoto on his legs , and in great ●ury flung down to hell againe . For to tell yée the truth there was no combat of note all that day , excepting betwéen the Baron of Sussex and sir Lambert ; for sir Lambert knowing that he was well belov'd by the Souldiers belonging to the Baron of Sussex , was resolved to goe and speak to them , thinking by faire spéeches to win them to his side ; when the Baron saw him , he was likewise resolv'd to hinder him , whereupon they prepared to the career , but they only brake their Launces in the first encounter ; whereupon the Baron drew his sword , but sir Lambert entreated him to just once more ; most willingly reply'd the Baron , then meeting together , Sir Lambert's Horse was almost down , for the Horse that he rode on all that day was none of the best , and the Baron likewise lost his stirrops ▪ being glad to catch hold by the maine of his Horse ; Sir Lambert having more mind to be chiefe Soldan , then to be bast inadoed , séeing the Baron maintaine the fight so equally against him took his leave , telling the Baron he should take another time to be quit with him . But the forty Tyrants seeing no hope of reliefe , and that they were unequall in power to sir Lambert , were content to submit unto him which they did accordingly , giving him possession of the Palace and of all that was therein , causing the Baron of Sussex to draw off his forces ; which done , Sir Lambert went home with much glée and content , supp't quietly and lay with his saltanesse in most pleasant-wise . CHAP. XV. How Sir Lambert and Sir Vane being Pagans , went about to set up the worship of their Heathen Idols ; and how they intended to have altered the Lawes and Government of Brittain . WHen sir Lambert had thus by his power put down the forty Tyrants , sir Vane & he doubted not now to carry all before them ; therefore they fell into consideration how they might secure to themselves the cheife power which they had got into their own hands as well as they could : Sir Vane was of an opinion , that seeing it was their intent to erect a new Empire , they ought to change the Religion of the Country , and to make a new one as neer the humour as they could of these people whom they saw adhering to them upon the hopes of such an alteration , and already inclin'd to such a change as might well agrée with their interest . First and formost there fore , knowing that they must take assunder what was already established , before they could put their own together , they resolv'd to abolish wholly the Religion of the Christians , for that it was so opposite to what they intended , that it was impossible for them to let the least title thereof remain : And because it is no hard matter to beware by other mens harmes , séeing that the too much pretending to knowledge among the vulgar Christians ) It being dangerous for any person to have more knowledge then he is able to mannage ) had been the cause of their confusion ; they resolv'd to reforme that error , and to take from the people all meanes of diving into hidden things , to which end they had order'd that all Schooles of learning should be taken away ; and so far they were from haveing any teachers among the people , that they order'd it should be death for any one to teach his children the primer , Yet because they knew that the aw of a deity was very necessary , though never so airy and nationall , Sir Lambert being now chiefe Soldan caus'd Proclamation to be made whereby the God of the Christians was depos'd and eight other deities erected in his roome ; Four of these deities were of the feminine gender and four of the newter ; Of the female deities two were Latine Destinia , and Ig●ora●tia . One Italian , La Potta del Papa Giovanna ; and the fourth French , foutre du diable ; Of the male deities one was Latine , Summum Imperium . One Spanish , Puerco del Paradiso ; The third Italian , Cazzo nel culo ; and the last of Scotch extraction call'd the Piper of ●ilbarchen ; and he further proclaim'd that his subjects should attribute divine worship unto these , and that these onely should be ador'd as the onely and most supreame Gods powers over the Earth , as to future expectations Sir Vane took it all from Mahomet , changing little or nothing ; Having thus setled religion , they procéed to alter the civill government . Sir Lambert said that he did not like the lawes , and therefore would have new ones ; but sir Vane sade it was altogether unnecessary as yet to have any at all , for that necessity would compell their party to be yet a while unanimous and loving one to another , and if the Christians had any lawes to fly to , it would hinder their party for dstroying those their enemies , which was to be done no other way but by giving their party leave to practice all manner of tyrannies and violencies over them . Yet one law sir Vane liked well that it should be made , which was a law against the importing of Barrel-Figgs , least thereby the Christians should learne Unity , séeing things of the same nature stick so close together . Then in imitation of Joshua who drave out the Canaanites shéere out of the Land to give his people a full possession thereof , they intended to have destroy'd all the old inhabitants of Brittaine , both Nobles , Gentry and Yeomen , by making their own party Lords over them , who were all of a new race , as being the Sons of the Earth , and such therefore whom no tyes of consanguinity had interest to make them in the least wise mercifull ; When these things were divulg'd among the Christians , there was a famous divine among them that went to Sir Vane to reason the case with him , Quoth he unto him , it is a very dangerous thing to alter the religion , and take away the Laws of a Nation ; Sir Vane replyes , that as to the alteration of religion , it was a thing which they thought convenient , and therefore since they had the power in their hands , they were resolv'd to doe it ; and as for taking away the Laws , he thought 't was very well done also ; for that was the difference between théeves and honest men , Théeves indéed were necessitated to make Laws among themselves , and to observe them ; but honest Men , said he ▪ such as we and our party , have no néed thereof ; for that we are no théeves , but robbers ; and if we doe possesse other Mens goods , it is because we have right thereunto , being born to inherit the Earth ; Alas quoth Sir Vane , Laws are the guides of the soule , and therefore those who would be counted most frée , ought to live without um ; for if it be a mark of slavery to have the legs or hands bound , certes it is a signe of far greater subjection to suffer the mind to be in fetters . When the ancient Seer heard these arguments he was convinc'd , not by the strength of Sir Vane's reason , but because he saw it was in vaine to contend with an unreasonable strength ; & therefore with great sorrow for the affliction which he saw was like to fall upon the Christians , he took his leave of the Knight of the mysterious Allegories , and departed . CHAP. XVI . How the Christians rebell'd against Sir Lambert , and how he march'd against them into the North , and what happen'd thereupon . THe Christians were now in a sad condition , for that the Heathens having vow'd their destruction went about to put in practise all these designes which they could think on for the effecting of their purpose . But they had one Champion yet alive , who was height sir George , who was the most worthy Champion that ever the Brittaines had Who séeing the destruction that was like to fall upon the Christians , resolved to oppose himselfe in their defence ; whereupon sir Lambert sent defyance unto the Loyall Knight , telling him that he would shortly meet him in the Plaines of Northimbira . But before he went , he consulted with the Knight of the Mysterious Allegories , how he might secure unto him the Metropolis of Brittaine , wh●ch he was now going to leave behind him , and what persons he might entrust for to mannage his great affairs in his absence , Whereupon they agreed to constitute severall Seer's of the Square Table , which being assembled together , should have the name of a Councell of Safety . Now that they might not crosse the proverb as they were to have new Laws , so they resolved to make new Lords . And indéed sir Vane , who was altogether for Allegories , told sir Lambert , that there were no Men fitter then those from whose trade or occupation ; he might dravv some allusion that he might teach him still what to do ; There●ore he advised him to choose one Grocer , that it might mind him of braying his Enemies in the Morter of affliction ▪ & grinding them as small as Pepper . He bid him take one Drawer of Cloath , such was the Seer Brandritho ▪ to shew that there ought not to be any differences among factions of the same Stamp : He bid him take one that was employed in the Cole-Pits such was Sir Berry the Knight of the Cole-Pit , to shew that a Politician ought alwayes to be undermining . One Scotchman , such was the Seer Wareston , to shew the Treachery and Falshood that Politicians ought to use . One Ploughman , such wa● the Byant Desborough , to shew the care that a Politician ought to have , and how he ought to observe times and seasons . And one Cobler intimating thereby that a Politician ought to look after no mans ends but his own When Sir Lambert had made choice of his Councel he spake unto them in these Words . Right Worthy Patriots . I Have here made choise of ye ▪ that ye may assist me in the carrying on my great work , I must leave ye for a time , for that I am going to meet the Loyal Knight in the Plains of Northimbria , who hath bid me defyance , wot ye well that ye have to deal with a proud and insolent City ; if therefore they will not be rul'd , smoak um to death in their own Hives , as they do Bees . He was famous that burnt the Temple of Diana , and Nero was famous that burnt Rome ; then be ye famous also , and burn London . I shall say no more , because I repose a confidence in ye , not doubting but that ye will stick close unto me if not for my sake , yet for your own ends , which by no means but mine ye can ever be able to attain . When he had uttered these sayings , they all stood up and cry'd long live the Soldan of Britain . CHAP. XVII . How the Seer Wareston lay with a Lady of pleasure that came to him with a Petition upon the Councel Table , and what happened thereupon . LEave we now Sir Lambert a while , and let us rehearse what happen'd at the Councel of Safety , of which the Seer Wareston was Chief President , who was a right notable Knave and exceeding salacious , as you shall understand by that which follows . There was a Lady at that time , who had certain sad occasions co visit the Councel of Safety for the redress of certain grievances , but could never find a fit opportunity to deliver her supplication ; but at length finding that the Seer Wareston was all alone in the Councel Chamber ▪ she prevail'd with mony of the Dore keeper to let her in . When she came in , she appeared right comely unto the Seer , and related her Story unto him with such a grace , that he was streight-way enamoured of her ; Quoth he , well do you deserve fair Lady to have your Petition granted , but should I grant you your Petition , would you grant me mine ? Alas ! said the Lady , it is not for you to petition , who have so much power in your hands . Ah! reply'd the Seer , you have wounded me ; and I hope you will cure the wound which you have made , and saying these words , he pulled her by the Gown upon his knee as he sate in his great Chair , and would have kissed her . The Lady not ignorant , how much coyns inflamed , made great resistance ; but the more she resisted , the more was he on fire ; so that there was exceeding great contention , and strungling between them ; at length the lustful Seer being the stronger , had thrown her upon the Councel Table , and there laid her flat on her back , where at length she gave him leav to quench his desires with the spoils of her seeming Chastity , on condition that he would grant her Request . He had not sooner finished , but in came Sir Fleetwood the contemptible Knight , and some others , who seeming the Seer in a strange posture , with his Band rumpled , his Cap off , the Sleeve of his Gown torn , and his Face more redder then ordinary , desired to know of him what had happen'd unto him . The Seer not at all abashed told them the whole Story : Who entred thereupon into great consultations among themselves . Some were of an opinion , that since the Seer Wareston Genealogy was likely to encrease , that the Sold'an should allow him a larger stipen'd , One stood up and said that it was requisite , that the Contemptible Knight , and the Knight of the Allegories should be sent to the Temple of the Gods , La potta del Papa Giovanna , to enquire of the Oracle , whither it were a Boy or a Girle , that provision for the birth and education might be made accordingly . Others were of opinion that 't was convenient to know what his Name should be ; This debate took up above a weeks time , with continual pro's and con's , and at length they concluded that it were a Boy he should be called by the Name of young FINBRANDUS , and that he should be sent to the enchanted Castle NEWGATE , to be bred up in all the secrets of that place by the severall Gyants yhat frequented the Castle . But if it were a Girle that she should be delivered to witch Creswellia to be taught all kind of sorceries and enchantments ; and so the Councell was dismist for that time . CHAP. XVIII . How Sir Lambert marched against the Loyal Knight as far as the Forrest of Northimbria ; and how the Councel of Safety sent the Gyant Husonius to kill the Christians for playing at Foot-ball . SIR Lambert was now gone towards the Fo●r●w of Northimbria to encounter the Loyal Knight , leaving behind him Sir Vane the Contemptable Knight . Now you must know that before Sir Lambert departed out of the good City of London there came unto him the Seer Feko High Priest in the Temple of the Idoll , icleped Foutre le Diable , and the Seer Rogero High Priest of the Idoll Cuzzo nel Culo and Declared unto him , how they had that night seen a Uision , and having told what they had seen each unto the other , that they had both Dreamed the same Dream ; Me thought quoth the Seer Feko , that I was in a great field , where I saw sir Lambert's Horse feeding among a multitude of other Horses , when on a sudden sir Lambert's horse elevating his rump set an exceeding great Fart , so that ths Noise thereof caused the Ualleys to sound and the Hills to eccho , and with the strength thereof blew away all the laid Horses , so that when I looked about again , I could not sée one Horse left . Now while I was musing upon the strangnesse of the accident , there came a young man to me cloathed in Blew , who bid me declare what I had seen unto Sir Lambert , for that as his Horse had Farted away all the other horses , so should he scatter all his enemies . When sir Lambert heard this , he caused his Butler to be sent for , and commauded him to carry the two high Priests into the Buttery , and set the Bread and Chéese before them and to give them as much Ale as they would drink ; which assoon as he had faid he gollop'd away as fast as he could to encounter the Loyal Knight . Now after that he had béen gone a good while , it hapn'd one morni●g that the weather being cold , the young men of the City of London went to play at Football in the stréets ; Which being related in to the Councel of Safety , they were sore afraid , fearing lest the Christians having such a pretence to assemble together might rise against them ; wherefore they sent command immediately to the Gyant Husonius to go into the City , for fear of the worst . Now such was the hast he was in , that because he could not readily find his own Arins he was forced to put on his head , a great iron porridge pot which was next at hand ; instead of his shield he took the p●t●lid , and in lieu of his Mace , he pul'd up one of the great Elms in the Forest of St. James ; and thus accoutred , away he goes , taking a great Band of souldiers along with him . The Christians hearing of his coming , shut the Gates of the City , thinking to kéep him out ; but the Gyant pusht them open , with as much ease , as if they had béen made of Past-board ; and finding his own Shield defective , he made use of one of the Gates for his Buckler all that day . Yet notwithstanding his coming , the Christians continued playing at Football , not dreaming that their sport had béen offensive . But so it fell out , that one of the Christians striking the Ball right strenuous , by which his foot kick'd the Ball full in the Gyants Face , so that his Eye was in greatdanger . The Gyant who had but one Eye , and being jealous that the Christians intended to put out that too , was sorely enraged ; wherefore in great fury he laid about him with his huge Elm among the multitude , killing six of the Christians at one blow ; which the Christians beholding they incontinently fled away : That , when the Gyant Husonius saw , he thought it good time to satisfie his hunger , as well as his revenge . Thereupon he streightway went and took up one of the dead Christians , and so sitting down upon the ridge of a house in a moment , devoured him raw without either bread or salt ; and having finish'd his bloudy Meal , Now , quoth he , have I din'd as well as ever I did in my life had I but half a Child to close my stomack . The Young men séeing this , would have all together fallen upon the Gyant , so little they car'd either for his arms , or the vastness of his proportion ; but the chief Governour fearing the danger of popular Tumults , chose rather to put up in silence the injuries of the Gyant , then hazard the safety of the City , when there séemed other probable means of securing it : wherefore the Gyant seeing at length none to oppose him , returned with great triumph to the place from whence he came , and was receiv●d with much gladnesse by the Councel of Safety , only they rebuked him that he did not bring the rest of those Christians along with him which he had kill'd , that he might have had them for his supper . CHAP. XIX . How the Forty Tyrants were set up again , and how Don Hazlerigo caused several Children to be whipped to death for calling him RUMPER . SIr Lambert being now at a great distance from the City of Londinum . The forty Tyrants conspired tog●ther , and in a short time they so managed their businesse , that they vanquish'd the Councel of Safety , and all that adhered unto sir Lambert ; For Don Hazlerigo having got some few armed Troops together , came to Londinum with so much hast and Fury , that both the Gyants , Desborow and Husonius , were much appel'd ; and besides that he had joyned himself with the Knight of hhe Green Ocean . When the forty Tyrants heard that Don Hazlerigo was coming to town , they went forth to meet him , every one clad with a Gown of Tyrean Purple , embroidered with Gold ; for they never car'd what they spent so it were of the publick mony & before each person went 20 squires bare , with Cognizances on their sleeves , every one carrying in his hand the Arms and Pedigrée of his Lord. Don Hazlerigo was on a Hill ; when he saw um coming towards him with their Hats on about a mile off ; wherefore immediately he sent away one of bis Squires , to know of them how they durst be so bold as to keep their hats on before him while he was in sight ; whether they knew who he was ? and whether that were their grateful acknowledgment of the Favours which they were then about to receive from him ? whereupon with many humble expressions of sorrow for their offence they presently unv●ild ; when they approach'd neer , he gave them the farthest end of the Lash of his whip to Kisse , having rebuked them first for their sawcinesse . As he return'd he rode hindm●st in a silver Coach , gilded with gold , besides which ran 200 Pages and Footmen attired in blew U●lvet , The Trumpets that went before him sounding his pr●ises were like the sands on the sea for number making such a dreadful noise , that many report that they saw the Graves in many Church-yards to open , and men start up in their shirts to ask what the matter was . Coming into the Chamber of Councell , they p●ac'd him under a Canopy of State ; when on a suddain rising up with a Look as Furious as Tamerlaines . What rage quoth he , did possesse that vaine Fool Sir Lam●ert , to lift himselfe up against me , who am in worth as much above him as the Heaven is above the Earth : proud vaunting pie●e of insolence , shortly shall he too late repent , when he shall receive the same punishment from my hands , as the Haughty Almidor King of Morocco did from the hand of St. George . Behold ye are now once more estoblished by my power ; therefore let us to Work , and handle this insolent Nation without Mittens ; Above all things beware of consideration , knowing that delays are dangerous . If we must burn , let us burn ; if kill , kill , 't is no matter whom what or when : we loose our Authority while vve enter into such consultations : consulting shevvs fear , and fear vvas never the mark of ebsolute Dominion : The Divel , their Fire and his Dam go vvith all Consultalions , and Deliberations , and sage Thoughts ; but be ruled by me and I vvarrant you all things vvill go vvell : When he had spoken these words ▪ he departed home to his spouse : now not long after , it happened that he was going in great state to the House , certain little children playing together cried one to another , There goes one of the Rump , which was a term of Ignominy that the people of Britain had thrown upon the Forty Tyrants ; which when it came to the ear of Don Hazlerigo , he caused the said children to be sent for ; when they came before him , with a stern countenance , he commanded that they should be forthwith taken away and whipped to Death with whips of Knotted whipcord : And when one said unto him that it was too c●●el a Sentence , he replyed that it was too mercifull ? for that they might thank him that he did not cause them to be offered up to the Idol Molock in the Ualleys of the Chimeron ; and with that he slu●g away in a great rage in order to his other Affairs . CHAP. XX. How Sir Lambert submitted , and how the Gyants , Desborow , Cobbet , Creed , and Hewson , seeing themselves disappointed of their Designes , went to fight against Heaven . WHen Sir Lambert saw that he could not get unto the Loyal Knight , who séeing himself far unequal to sir Lambert in number , kept himself in his strong Holds ; he thought upon a way how to kéep the Loyall Knight from coming to him : he saw his souldiers wanted work , and therefore to kéep them from mutining , and being idle , which two inconveniences commonly go together , like a Citizen and his wife , He gave them a command that they should build up a Wall in the Land of Northumbria , the which in bredth should reach from sea to sea , and in height up unto the clouds , and which should be so thick that fifty Coaches might go a brest ; and to secure it from the thunder-thumping-bullets of the dismall-noise-making Canon , he sent for the Seer Feko to enchant it . Now where Travellers were to passe to and fro , he ordered that there should be a great Gate made of Massie Brasse , which should be bolted with Bolts as big about as an ordinary Stéeple , the Shooter of the Lock was to be as broad as an Acre of Ground ; Then said the Artificer unto Sir Lambert , Who shall turn the Key ? and Sir Lambert replyed ▪ Let there be a Mill to turn it . Now as Sir Lambert was contriving about this wall ▪ Sir Vane hearing of his design , sent him a Letter ; the substance whereof was , that he had heard of the Wall which he was going to build ; and therefore he advised him , because Love would break through stone walls to make it of Brick : in answer to which Sir Lambert sent him another , wherein he assured him that the Wall should be of Brick accordingly , and that if he would not believe him , he might come down and sée . Sir Lambert had a double Design in making this wall ; First , because that being he was not ignorant that his souldiers must dig very deep to lay the foundations of such a wall , he knew nothing to the contrary but that they might find some Mine or other whereby to enrich both themselves and him , but his main drift was to kéep the Loyal Knight from coming into Britain : moreover this wall was to be guarded by never-sléeping Dragons , which were to be sent for from Lydia , as also by Mastiff Dogs , which were to be kept hungry for that purpose . You 'l say now he was in a fair way : but woe unto a man when ill luck follows him . Now said the Knight of the golden Tulip unto himself , shall I have such a wall , as there will not be in the world such another , nor was there ever such a one before ? Travellers shall come to see this wall of mine , from all parts of the Earth , and shall bring mony in their pockets and shall enrich my Land ; then will I plant Apricocks and Peaches against this wall , and when they are ripe I will say unto my wife , lo , the fruits of my Wall. While he was thus solacing himself under his wall , came unto him the sad news how that the Forty Tyrants were got into power again , and that Don Hazlerigo with an Army had forced all his one and twenty S●ers to run away , swearing that he would not only boyl Sir Lambert now , but make Porridge also of his Flesh ▪ he fell streightway into a swoon , continuing so for eight and forty hours ; when his friends saw that , they sent for Physicians , who were in a great amaze ; but at length they agréed that he should be laid under a Pump , the well being first cleans'd and fill'd with Aniséed-water ; which was done accordingly , and so they laid him under the spout and pump'd strong-water into his mouth for ten days together : at the end whereof , through the heat of the water he began ot revive , and elevating his drowzy head , Oh! quoth the Knight of the golden Tulip , groaning like a soul in Purgatory , Accursed be the Loyall Knight ; for my Cakes dow , and all by his means . But the Gyant Desborow cursed the Knight of the Mysterious Allegories , being very frée of his Malediction , because that by his means they had put down the Forty Tyrants , saying that he was the arrantest Knave that ever pissed with a Prick . Sir Lambert now considering the sadnesse of his condition , was in a bushel of troubles , so that he knew not what in the world to doe . Should I go to the Town of London , quoth he , what should I doe there ? walk about the stréets with my hands in my pocket like a Dutch Saylor ? That befits not him that once rode about the stréets of Westmonasterium , like a Country Hagler , causing his enemies to créep into Crevises . That becomes not him who once vanquish'd the Baron of Cheshire , and laid the Swineheard of Maxfield sprawling on the ground . But 't is a folly to talk , I must either go or stay ; well I le go : But God knows my heart 't is even as a Bear goes to the stake ▪ and I know I shall be baited like a Bear too : and what then ? why a Bear 's a Bear , and a Knight's a Knight : Nay , and a Knight's a Bear too ; for by the same Consequence that I a Knight am made an Ass , shall I a Knight be likewise made a Bear ; But let um take heed of their Bears , that is let um look to themselves ; for if ever I get um in my paws again , I le gripe um a little faster then I did before . When sir Lambert had spoken these words , he threw his clo●ke over his shoulders , and in very melancholy-wise spur'd his Stéed forward . The Forty Tyrants hearing that he was come unto the good Town of London , they sent for him to haue him in Examination ; But when he came before them , Don Hazlerigo look'd upon him with a very grim aspect , Si●rah , quoth he , Sir Knight what made thy overventurous , fool-hardy , memirrot presumption dare to advance it self against oxcombly ehur of Knighthood ? Didst thou not know that I was cholerick ; how then daredst thou to provoke me ? Sir Lambert , then pleaded for himself , saying , That he had not done what he did but that he thought 't was for the good of the Nation . Thou lyest like a Rogue , replies Don Hazlerigo ; and having said those words commanded him to be taken away forthwith , and to be thrown into the Caldron of boyling Lead , which was prepared in a place not far off : and they say he had certainly béen boyled to death had not the Knight of the Mysterious Allegories interceded for him ; though indéed he did not prevail so much upon him , but rather prevail'd upon the intentions of some of the forty Tyrants , who liking not the procéedings of the loyal Knight , resolved to make use of him again , in case any such quarrel should happen as they suspected . When the Gyant Cobbetto , the Gyant Credo , the Gyant Hackero , the Gyant Husonio , and the Gyant Rodesbo heard of the ill successe of sir Lambert , they grew very mutinous against the Gods of their Religion ; they wonder'd that their Gods would use them so discourteously , that it was neither a friendly part nor the part of Gentlemen to deal with their Ido●aters in that fashion : they tax'd them with the want of morality , and common civility ; and at length one thing aggravating another they resolved to make them know themselves and if they would not doe that , to pull them out of Heaven by the head and ears . But how shall we come at them ? quoth one ; well enough cries a●other ; are there not mountains enough in the world ? let us never leave setting one upon another till we reach them . Hereupon Credo and Cobeto , were sent to bring away Arthur's Seat , and the rest of the Mountains in Scotland , Husonio was sent to fetch Atlas out of Africa , and Hackero was sent to fetch the Mountains of Caucasus . Then did the Gyants Husonio and Hackero , prepare them wonderful Stilts wherewith to wade through the deep Ocean : Now because that the len●th of them was such and so vast , they took the largest steps that ever were known one Stilt being alwaies ten Mile before the other , which may seem incredible , but that we do not find it set down in the Apochrypha . The Gyant Credo séeing them preparing them such Stilts he presently made himself such too ; for , qu●th he , surely they must be excellent for disp●tch , which he found to be true ; for by the help of these Stilts he went to the furthest parts of old Scotia , and back again in lesse then a quarter of an hour bringing a huge and mighty Hill upon his head with more ease then a Turk carries his Turbant : now because the Hill covered him all over , so that he could not be perceiv'd , some say that the Hill walk'd and it was taken for a great Miracle throughout all Albion . When he came to the place appointed , he took the said mountain off his head , as one would take off his Cap and with one hand set it upon the top of Plimlemmon ; he had no sooner done it , but the Caverns of his belly roar'd , and immediately sent forth such a mighty tempest as blow the said M●untain quite away some 15 Miles into the Ocean , as you would blow away a Feather with a Smiths pair of Bellows , and so was all that labour loft . Scarcely had this misfortune befallen them , when the Gyants Husonio and Hackero return'd the ore from Tenariff , the other from Africa , They related strange things ; how that as they were taking up the Mountains on their backs , the Knights of those Countries came upon them so that they were forc'd to fight with all Comers and Goers for six days and nights together : Husonio said that he had slain thrée Millions of Knights , and Hackero reported how he had kill'd five Millions & ten Knights , besides two dwarfs ; but at length hearing that Atlas was coming to defend his own mountain being very weary , they retired forthwith ; for they were loth to venture rubbers with a Gyant of such Fame as he was . However they brought with them four of five smaller Hills which were not above two or thrée Miles high a piece , which they had put in their pockets for fear of being discovered . But as they were going to place these one upon another according to their first resolutions , lo ▪ another accident that spoiled all ; For early in the morning , beho●d there came five Milk-maids forth to milk the Kin● that were grazing in the adjoyning pasturel ; when the Gyants saw them al , in white with Milk-pails on their heads they admir'd at the strangnesse of their Head-gear ; For were they Mortals , quoth they , they would not approach as they doe , but séeing us would certainly be affrighted at our shapes : Hereupon the Gyant Credo went down to méet them , and when he came néer , he said unto them , with a stern countenance , Are ye spirits of the North , or o' the South , or are ye spirits of the lower Regions , or spirits of the Sphears ? If ye be such , Think you that we who are now going to revenge our selves upon the Gods , will let you escape who are but their Ministers ? with that he gave one of the Milk-maids such a blow on her Pail as made her Pail and her Head come almost to the ground together ; which when the rest espy'd , they threw down their Milk-pails with great indignation , and fell upon the Gyant with such a fury , that he not being able to resist their strong Violence , was forced to yield , while they drag'd him to the ground by the h●ir of the head : being in this plight he began to call & cry ; but 't was well if the rest of the Gyants had enough of courage to sée him ; for they durst not stir one inch to his assistance . Uillain that thou art , Quoth one of the Amazon Uirgins , I 'le teach thee to hurt Iane , & with that she gave him a claw that plow'd up his Face from ear to ear . Nay , quoth another , for the honour of Saint George let 's crosse him ; and so she made a furrow from his Chin to his Forehead ; One would have cut off his Gingumbobs , but that feare made him swell so strong , that they were forc'd to quit him . Which blessed time being come , with a countenance full of the effects of a sad conquest , he went to his fellow-Gyants , who partly affrighted at the direfull mortifications of his Uisage , partly séeing the Milk-wenches advance , and considering that they should never be able to conquer the Gods , who were beaten only by two or thrée sprights , as to them the Milk-wenches séemed to be , they took up their Héels , and with no small diligence , ran away , leaving their intended Design to any body else that durst undertake it . CHAP. XXI . How the Loyal Knight enter'd Londinum , and what hapned thereupon . NOt long agoe we left the Loyal Knight in the Country of Scotia , devising with his Company concerning the welfare of the Country of Britain . He at length séeing the Forces of Sir Lambert dissipated by the power of the forty Tyrants rode toward the City of Londinum , méeting many Knights by the way that followed the King , whom he still directed in their course , who made to him report of the dealings of the forty Tyrants at Londinum : When he enter'd into the City of Londinum , he caused Don Lamberto to be cast into prison ; but long had he not béen there but he made his escape , thinking to have gathered his Forces together again , and to have encountred the Loyall Knight ; but being hardly pursued he was again retaken , and again committed to the care of the Knight of the Lyons . Which the forty Tyrants saw that they could make no disturbance against the Loyall Knight , neither of themselves nor by any other means , they came to the Loyall Knight , saying unto him , We thought till now , my Lord that ye were one of the best advised Knights of the whole world but that we now by proof perceive the contrary . You think that what ye doe is for safety of your Honour , but you will find it to be the losse of you and your men . But the Loyall Knight replying , Full well , quoth he , do you manifest your horrible Treason ; for besides your Treachery in compacting the Death of your Lord , you would have me also a Traytor to his Posterity , as ye have proved . Then said the forty Tyrants , to hinder us from ruling in London ? To which the Loyall Knight making answer , Never , quoth he , shall Traytor reign in London while the most Honourable King of the World liveth . When this debate was ended , He summon'd the Kings Friends together , and gave them the chief power over Britain , which was no sooner restored u●to them , but they sent for the true and lawfvl King of Britain , who not long after was received into his chief City of Londinum with great Ioy and Triumph : And so concludeth the First Part of this History . FINIS . READER , EPistles like Prologues of playes are many times skipt over , seldome read : and to say the truth I know not that they are of any great use : and therefore that I may not sin against your patience , and my own opinion I shal say no more for what is here writ , but only thus much , that the Ladys may read here what they never read in their lives : for whereas all other Knights fought for their sakes , our Knights fought for Nobody's sakes but their own ▪ as you shall finde by the sequel , And so farewell . Books Printed and Sold by H. Marsh , at the Princes Arms in Chancery-lane , neer Fleetstreet . Folio THe Soveraign's Prerogative and the Subjects Priviledge , comprized in several Speeches , Cases , and Arguments of Law , discussed between the King 's most sacred Majesty , and the most eminent Persons of both Houses of Parliament : Collected by T. Fuller , B.D. Leonards Reports — A Compleat History of the Wars of the Greeks ; written by the learned Polibius , and Translated by Ed. Grimston , Esq. Serjeant at Arms to his late Majesty . Quarto . The History of Independency compleat , being the 1.2 . 3.4 and last part ; which may be had single by such as hath bought the others . A Comical History of these late Times : by Montelion . Hanam's Exploits . The Faithful Lapidary , being a History of all pretious Stones , very useful for Gentlemen , Merchants and others . Bloud washt away by the Tears of Repentance , or the Relation of Butler's murdering of Knight in Milk-street . Rumps Looking-Glasse , or a Collection of such pieces of Dro lery as was prepared by several Wits to purge the Rump . A New Discovery of the High-way Thieves ; by a Gentleman lately Converted . A short View of the Life and Actions of the Illustrious Iames Duke of York , together with his Character . In large Octavo . Royal History compleated in the life of his sacred Majesty Charles the 2d , Iames Duke of York , and Henry D. of Gloucester , with their Restoration , happily concluded by his Excellency the Lord Moncke now D. of Albemarle . That useful Book for Gentlemen and Travellers , being an exact Description of the several Counties and Shires in England : by Ed. Leigh , Esq. The Rogue or the life of Gusman , De Alfaray , the Witty Spaniard , the Fifth and Last Edition . Fuller's Treple Reconciler . Small Octavo . Modern Politie compleated , or the publique Actions and Councels , civil and military of his Excellency the Lord Generall Moncke , under all Revolutions since 1640 , to 1660. with the Principles moral and political upon which they were grounded ; Illustrated out of the best masters of policy , ancient and modern . The compleat Attorney , the fifth and last Edition . The History of the Affairs of Scotland under the conduct of the illustrious and truly valiant Iames Marquesse of Montrose . Advice to Baalam's Asse , or Momus Catechised in answer to a certaine scribler called I. Heydon , Author of advice to a Daughter . The Royal Buckler , or Salmasius in English. The Divels Cabinet-councel Discovered , or the plots and contrivances of O. Cromwell and the Long Parliament , in Order to the taking away the Life of his sacred Majesty of Blessed memory . The crafty Whore , or the mystery and iniquity of Bawdy-Houses , with Dehortations from Lust : published for the good of Young men ; by R. H. Esq. The Rump , or a Collection of such Songs and Ballads as were made upon them who would be a Parliament , and were but the Rump of an House of Commons , five times Dissolved ; Collected by I. B. Esq. Cleavland's P●ems . — Montelion's Comical Alminacks for 1660 , & 1661. The Baptized Turk , or the Conversion of a Native Turk to the Christian Religion : by Dr. VVarmestrey , Dr. Gunning , &c. Dr. Griffith's Sermon . Assent to Elisse by 3 steps , Philosophy , History , Theology , discovering mans true Felicity , whereunto is added that excelle●t Dialogue of Dr. Thaulerus with a Poor Begger . Shimeies Curses on King David lighting on himself , or a Parallel between the Sufferings of King David and his late Majesty . Quarles last Poems . An Exact History of the Life and Actions of Hugh Peters ; as also his Diary now in the Presse . Montelion's Introduction to Astrology ; a thing long expected , in the Presse now a printing . Large Twelve , Fathers Blessing , or a Legacy to his Son , fitting him to carry himself through the various Incounters of this world . Whites Peripatetical Institutions in the way of Sir Kenelm Digby . Hook's Fatal Doom to the Reprobate , or an excellent Comment on the 1. of Cor. 16.22 : Magerine Politie Small 12. Reynold's Word of Caution to the Atheists , and Errourists of our Time. The Christian Diary containing the whole Duty of man ; by N. Causin . A physical Discourse of the Cure of Diseases by Signature ; by R. Bunworth . Man in Paradice , a Philosophical Discourse . A New Discovery of the French Disease and Running of the Reins , their causes , signes , with plain and easie Directions of perfect curing the same ; by R. Bunworth , Doctor of Physick , now in the Press , the 2 d Edition . In Twenty four . Lucius Florus . Salust — Lessius of Health , with Cornaroes Treatise of Temperance . Dr. Warmestry on the Sacrament . FINIS . The Gyant Husonio . DON JUAN LAMBERTO : Or , a Comical HISTORY Of the Late Times . The second and last Part. By Montelion Knight of the ORACLE . &c. LONDON , Printed by T. Leach , for Hen. Marsh , at the Princes Arms in Chancery-lane near Fleetstreet , 1661. Don Juan Lamberto : OR , A COMICAL HISTORY OF The Late TIMES . CHAP. I. How the Seer Lisle hearing of the return of the lawful King of Britain , devised for to flye out of the Land ; how he made him a Periwig of Camels hair , and how he fled into Aegypt in a winged Chariot . NOw as they were resting themselves in the Forrest under the forsaken Tree , Sir Lambert unbuckled his Armour , and was laying himself down in a posture to sleep , when loe there came a Snayl creeping towards him , O● that I could now pray quoth he as well as the old Soldan could , for certanly this is an evil Spirit , but when he gathered up his resolution and struck it , the poor Snayl pull'd in its horns , and then he had compassion thereon , for said he , this poor Snayl is in my condition , and pulls in its horns even as I am forced to pull in mine because of the tapp which the forty Tyrants have given me . But the forty Tyrants though they had vanquished Sir Lambert , did not yet enjoy their intended ease and quiet , for they were sorely press'd upon by the Loyal Knight , and the rest of the Christans that were with him , who were indeed too Cunning for them ; For the Loyal Knight seeing that his Forces were not powerful enough for them , at first feigned himself to be a Pagan likewise , at which they were right glad , and commanded him to pull down the Gates of the City of Londinum , which when he had done , they said one to another ▪ now the Town 's ours , for they thought that they had made the Loyal Knight Cock sure to them , but when he saw how they had abused him , he called for one of the City Gyants , who was seven yards high , and fifteen foot about the waste , and bid him go and pull those proud and furious Dominatours from th●ir imperious Thrones who presently took his March , and being come to the place where they were met , he put his hand in at the window , and took them out one by one , as men take out young Squabs out of Pigeon holes . Then did the forty Tyrants howl , and bawl , and yawl , and fume , and swear , and tear , as the Poet most elegantly hath it , — rending their Throats for Anger . The Séer ponderd this saying in his mind . and laid it up in his brest as charily as a Country Gentlewoman kéeps her Iewells ; long look'd he for this time . O when will it be , quoth he , that I shall increase this my small pittance , which with so covetous and sparing a hand Fortune hath measur'd me out ? when shall I dine with a dozen dishes of meat , and look pleasantly to see my Consort carve up the second and third course ? when shall Honour attend me , and the respect of the people wait upon the train of my gown● These are the things I gape for , and to obtain , what would I not do ? I think there is nothing that I would not do ; stay , let me examine my self . Could I renounce the Religion of my Country ? A Pecadillo , a poor pittiful Pecadillo ; Could I perjure my self ? Yes I think I could , nay I am sure I could . Could I dispence with the murdring of one or two , or two or thrée , or forty or fifty , or so ? not by way of Duel , for I am none of your hardy Knights , but as a Iudge I could , which is both safe and honourable . These his resolves were not long undiscovered 〈◊〉 the subtil searchers into the dispositions of men , of which the chief Soldan of Britain , and the forty Tyrants had then good store . Now mark ye , there is nothing more luckie in the world than for a man to be booted ▪ and spar●'d , and to have nothing to do but to get up and ride upon an occasion when it offers it self ▪ Even so it fell out with our Seer . For the Soldan , whose intention it was to extirpate all the Nobles of Britain , that were friends to the lawful King of Britain , had framed sundry ▪ and several grievous accusations of hainous crimes and offences against them , that so he might bereave them of their estates and of their lives at once . Now left the people of Britain should think that he did any thing contrary to the Laws which were used in that Realm , he devised with himself to erect a Tribunal in imitation of a Court of true Iustice ; which when he had brought to p●sse , yet still he wanted one who would undertake to sit as chief Iudge , and to pronounce the dire sentence of untimely death upon such innocent Knights whose hard mishap it was to be sacrific'd to his wrath and fiery indignation . Then the Soldan of Britain casting about , and revolving in himself where he might and a at instrument to perform that office , he was at length informed of the Seer Lisle ; wherefore he immediately caused him to be sent for , to appear before him : who incontinently made his addresse unto him , and that with so much readinesse , that for hast he put on both his stockings the wrong side outward , which mark of obedience and willingnesse the Soldan was right glad to see . Gentle Lisle , quoth he , thou canst not be ignorant , how that I have many a right worthy Knight who are professed enemies to my greatnesse now within my power , which I must cause to be put to death , that so I may be secur'd in my great Dominions ; Now so it is that I have chosen thee to be their Condemnator . Then the Seer Lisle made him three great bowes , and sev●n congies and a half , promising him faithfully to do effectually whatever he commanded : For quoth he , Great Soldan thy behests are just , therefore have I forsaken the God of the Christians , to serve the God whom thou servest , and to submit to thee in all things ; for who is like unto thee among all the Princes in the world . Thereupon he was without delay cloathed in Skarlet , and a Throne was provided for him where he might sit in majesty to exercise cruelty as he pleased upon the distressed Christians ; and indeed so dextrous was he and Lordly in his office , that few or none of the Christians escaped his bloody sentences . Wherefore the Soldan was right glad , and it pleased him to see that the Seer was so faithful unto him ; Therefore he gave unto him the Lands and Palaces of the Christian Princes , so that the Seer lived right illustriously , his heart being at eafe and wallowing in plenty . But as after Winter cometh Summer , and after Summer cometh Winter again as after fair weather cometh fowl , and after fowl fair , so after the long tranquility which our Seer enjoy'd , ensued the boystrous storms of heart killing sorrow : for loe he that before look'd big and haughty , and sate upon high places , where all men might view him , yet feared not the paw of the Bayliff , nor the fury of the Soldans Ianisary's , is now not to be seen by any , sculking sometimes in Ovens , sometimes under the coats of Harlots , sometimes in old Trunks , sometimes like Diogenes living in Tubs , yet no where in security , but still asf●righted with continual fears ; which kind of life , through the excess of trouble and discontent that was in it growing irksome unto the Seer Lisle , he bethought himself how he might escape out of the Land of Britain into some other Country . But quoth he into what Country shall I go ? shall I go into Swedland ? no : why ? first and formost because that in that place the Winters are long and the Summers are short . Secondly , because the Summers are short and the Winters are long . Thirdly and lastly , because it is an unfortunate Country , and they can never keep what they get , which is too much my own condition . As for France and Spain they be Kingdomes , which are no places for me : for even as the Stork delighteth in Common-wealths , even so do I. No I will go into Aegypt , for that is a pleasant Country , and because the people of that Country be of my own Religion , and there lived the Iewes , of whose number was Achan , from whom I am lineally descended by the Fathers side : and though there be no Kings , yet there be Tyrants , who are men after my own heart ; And I will go into Aegypt because of the Red-sea , for ye must know that I have been bred up near Red seas most part of my life , and was a maker of Red seas my self ; Therefore as it is the nature of Ducks , Teal , and Mallard to frequent the shores of great Rivers , as also of the Ocean , and as it is the nature of the Soland Gec●e to build about the impregnable I stand of the Bass , so doth it agree with my desire to inhabit near the Red●sea . CHAP. II. Yet of the Seer Lisle , and of other things . WHen he had thus forti●ied his mind with the Barricado's of Constancy , and Rampires of Resolution , so that it was impossible to force it with the Ma●terpeices of Perswasion ; he then be thought himself which might be the best way to conceal himself in his flight . Hereupon he entred into a very great Consultation , and debate concerning what was to be done with the Sable-browd-Inchantresse , and other of his Friends ; some were of opinion that he should wrap himself in a Lyons skin , and so walk to the sea-shore upon all four ; But this enterprize was left off , because that after they had tryed the Sage three or four times , they found him very insufficient to roar , of which there was an exceeding great necessity , if the Country people should come too near to view or handle him as he went along . But there was nothing that pleas'd him so well as the way which last of all he devised with himself which was to put on a Perewig and a Beard of Camels hair , for quoth he a Camel is a Beast that beareth great burthens , and I bear a great burthen of woe and misery , and therefore since I must carry this great burthen , it is fit that I should be as like a Camel as I may . Then did the Sable-browd-Inchantress send away incontinently three spirits Rimbombo , Nachor , and Rantantamboro into Arabia to fetch away the tails of 4 Camels , who went and came in less than a quarter of an hour , for they went as if the Divel had drove um , which is 10000. mile in a minute . When the Sable-browd-Enchantress had the Camels tails in her possession , then did she with wonderful Art frame thereof a certain large Perewig , the locks whereof reached down to his middle , and it was very graceful and comely to behold . Now when the Sage had put it on , he and the Enchantress communed together in this wise . Quoth he , most renowned Mariana , for so was the Sable browd-Enchantress nam'd , who do I now look like ? for certes it cannot be that I should be taken for who I am indeed , No quoth she , my most worthy Séet ; It is for thy sake that I have run my self into very great hazzads , nor would I by any means that after all the pain which I have taken , that thy face should be no whit alter'd ; But be thou assured that the Gods have prosper'd my undertakings , for thou lookest not like thy self , but thou lookest even like Hector of Troy ; Most assuredly I could like Circe have chang'd thée into a Swine , but I thought it better that thou shouldst look rather like Hector than a Hog . Most courteous Enchantress replied the Seer , I can never end celebrating your most high and more than humane Art , especially in the curling of my Perewig , which is done with so much art that I never saw the like in all my life . Gentle-Seer , replied the Enchantress , know right well , that so great is the respect which I bear unto thee , both in respect of the kindnesse which I have received from thee , and which thou hast afforded unto my Damsells , that I would not thou shouldst want any assistance that I can afford thee . Therefore now I call it to mind , there is one Gyges , who is in great esteem with the famous sir Pluto Knight of the Infernal shades , who hath a Ring , the vertue whereof is such , that he who ever wears the same shall walk invisible ; That quoth the Seer would be of great advantage unto me , and I would when I had made use of it return it unto sir Gyges with all possible speed , and the choicest of my courteous thanks , Hereupon Rimbombo , Nachor , and Rantantamboro were again dispatch'd unto sir Gyges , ●o desire him in the name of the Sable-browd-Enchantress ▪ that he would in courtesse lend her his Ring , the which had such excellent vertue , that she might pleasure a distressed Knight who was one of her Friends , who had great occasion thereof , Sir Gyges replied that he was alwayes courteous unto distressed Knights , and had no less respect to the Sable-browd-Enchantress , so that he was right sorry that he could not do as she desired , for that he had lost the Ring that she sent for most unfortunately ; for having left it off one morning when he went to wash his hands , the Damsel of the Castle swept it away . and threw it among the rubbish out of the Castle gates . When the Sage Lisle and the Inchantresse heard this , they were right sorry , and were ready to weep for the anguish that fell upon their Spirits . But quoth the Sable-browd-Inchantresse , since I cannot have that , I will try my Spels for another . So she prepared all things in a readinesse , and first she drew a large long Circle , which was the strangest that ever was séen , In the midst of this Circle they placed a Bed , the which had never béen lain in before , into which the Sage Lisle was commanded to enter , and put himself naked between the Shéets . Then the Inchantresse sitting down upon the Bed side , uttered several Charms in the Slavonian language , at the end whereof there arose from the four corners of the wind , four black Horses , with Spirits on their backs , in the shape of Monkeys , who demanded of the Enchantresse what was her pleasure , who presently commanded them to fetch unto her one of the Nimphs of the Hesperian Orchard , who presently hurr●'d away with such a Tempest as made the Earth to shake like an Aspin leaf , at the noise whereof the Mountains hop'd and danced up and down , making a noise like the chopping of Pot-herbs ; but they appeared again in the twinkling of an eye together with the Damsel , who seemed unto the eye as plump as a Patridge , and as ruddy as a Queen Apple . Being come , the Inchantresse caused her to be laid in the Bed , by the side of the Sage Lisle , then drawing the Curtains and telling the Seer , that if he us'd the fair Uirgin well , that he should have his hearts desire . She departed out of the Room . Now when the Seer and the Uirgin were alone in Bed together , they enjoyed one the other all that night in a most pleasant wise , so that the fair Philothera for so was the Uirgin ycleped , having received great content from the Seer Li●le ; quoth she , I am the happiest person in the world , for I thought when I dyed , that I should have lost all the pleasures of this earth , but thou hast given me new satisfaction , when I thought I should never have enjoyed the sweet solace of a man more . For to tell thee truth , right worthy Seer , I am the Soul of a Poulterers Wife , who when my Husband broke , was preserved by the Charity of such Knights as frequented this Castle , to which I was daily invited by the Inchantresse , how I came hither again , I know not , however I have reason to give thee thanks ●or the marvelous courtesies which thou hast afforded to me this night , so pulling off a Ring which she wore upon her thumb , she gave it him , desiring him to accept it as a token of her love , and having so said , she immediately vanisht out of his sight . When he had thus obta●n'd the Ring , he found there was one thing more which would be a great hindrance unto him , which was the tediousnesse of the Iourney , by reason of certain great Cornes which he had upon his feet ; wherefore calling unto him again Dame Mariana , the Black-browd-Inchantresse , they thereupon entered into new debates , and at length she resolved to make him a flying Charriot . It was made o● the Cawie of a Sea Mare four months gone , which she caus'd to be kill'd in the night , three minutes past the sixt hour the Sun entering into the Oriental Nadir , for being taken from the Sea Mare at that nick of time though it were as light as a feather , it became as hard as steel . The frame thereof was like a Sedan , the Poles thereof were smaller than the smallest Needles . Now the Inchantresse having prepared all things ready , took the Seer and put him into the Charriot , together with a Bottle of Aniseed-water , and four Tabern Biskets ; then she embraced and kissed the Seer , and hug'd him , giving unto him a Bird-Call , telling him that he should soon find the vertue thereof , and bidding him withall be sure that he never left whistling till he came into Aegypt . And indeed so-cunningly had she charmed this Bird-Call , that as soon as the Seer began to whistle , there came four Ostriches , which placing themselves under the four Poles of the Charriot , spread their wings , and being mounted high into the Air , steered their course directly to the Land of King Pharaoh . The Inchantress with heavy sorrow look'd after him , till the noise of other Knights knocking at her Castle Gate called her to look after her other affairs . CHAP. III. How the Gyant Husonio went to seek a Den and a Mountain , and what happened thereupon . O thou mighty Pipantabor , who dwellest in the car of a great Gyant , yet fearest not the quagmires of wax which are therein , hearken unto my words , and listen to my sayings , as a Chambermaid listens to hear the private discourse of her Master and Mistriss . If thou say'st thou doest not hear me thou liest , neither art thou the mighty Pipantabor ; And if thou say'st I cannot hear thee , thou liest yet more , for art not thou locally in my ear , and close by the Timpamuci thereof , which by reverberation , communicateth sounds unto the brain ? Therefore thou must and shalt hear me : But what would I have thee do ? Why I would have thee to shew me a Mountain and a Den ; yea I say unto thee , show me a Mountain and a Den , where the loyal Knight may not find me out , and I shall sacrifice unto thee for thy pain , an Hecatomb of black listed Lice , well fatted with humane Blood. If thou doest not , thou art neither civil nor courteous , for what Guest will not be kind to his Hoast who hath entertained him and given him harbour , as I have done unto thee . But to this Husonio made answer , My Load 's mine own , my Answer 's no. And saying those words , for he feared the multitude that was about him , he sank into the Sea , and letting another most formidable Fart , he blew the Sea up in such a manner , that there was a leagues distance from the bottom of th● Sea , and bottom of the waters ; whereby it came to passe , that the Gyant walked under the Sea as dry as if it had been in his own Dining-room , and so escaped Neptunes fury , until he came unto the Strond of Normania . Right happy was it that this strange adventure fell out ; for the people that dwelt near the Sea shore , during this separation which continued twenty four hours , so violent was the force , that was the occasion thereof ; greatly enriched themselves with the spoiles of wracked ships , which had been heaped up by Neptune and his Tritons for their own use many ages before . I néed not tell you how the Gyant Husonio made him a fire when he came on shore , for what need he make him a fire to dry himself , who walked so dry as he did through the Sea ; yet others say he did make a fire , but it was not to dry himself , but to parboyl his supper ; which as soon as he came on shore , without much meditation he went to provide . Quoth he , I can do no more mi●chief in my own Country , therefore I will do it in another ; And upon those words he went and cut down a whole Forrest , without considering in the least who was the Landlord , or whether the Landlord held it only for Life or in Fee. Nor was it not long ere opportunity put meat into his mouth , as I shall prepare to tell you . There was a certain great Town some leagues distant from the place where the Gyant Husonio had made his great fire , thither two men and a Boy were driving a numerous he●d of large Oxen ; The Gyant seeing them coming laugh'd for ioy ; and when th●y approached near he took the said Oxen one by one , and swallow'd them down whole , and when he had swallow'd them all , he took the two men and the Boy , and swallow'd them also ; for quoth he these Knabes may chance to go and raise the Country . When he had swallow'd all the said Oxen , he found his stomack indifferent full , which caused in him a desire to rest his bones , which desire caused him to lay himself all along before the said fire ; He had not laid there long but he fell into a deep sleep , which being preceived by one of the men that he had swallow'd , by the terrible snoaring that he made , the man not unwilling to miss so notable an oppertunity crept out at his mouth , and seeing him so fast asleep , he went in again , and told his fellows thereof , urging the benefit of the occasion , with such a pithy and well ordered speech , he so wrought upon his Companions , that they grose , and with great secresie drove the Cattel toward his mouth , but coming to his teeth , they found them so close shut , that it was not was not possible to open them without waking the Gyant , wherefore they were fore afflicted : But what will not the invention of man do , when it is in a streight ? for seeing themselves stopp'd here , they bethought themselves that the Gyant had another hole through which they hop'd to passe more securely because it was not so near his ears ; whereupon they drove the Oxen back again , and searching they found the back passage without any barricado's at all , so that with great content they at length got clear of their p●●son ; when they were got loose they were as merry as Crickets , but the Gyant awaking , quoth he , what a huge stooll have I had , but it was well I had it , for certes at the middle of the night the Oxen began to rise plaguily in my stomack . CHAP. IV. How Sr. Vane and Sr. Lambert disputed together , and how Sr. Vane made Sr. Lambert believe that the Moon was made of green Cheese . NOw you must understand that after the Knight of the Golden Tulip was retaken through the great Courage of the Knight of the Bath , he was secured in the Castle of the Lyons , and eke the Knight of the Mysterious Allegories was there secured also , so that they had often opportunities to discourse together . Now when they saw each they congratulated one another right lovingly ; Quoth Sr. Vane I am right glad to see you Sr. Lambert , though not so glad to see you here , however it is better to be here than in the open Fields , where there is no shelter against the Rain , nor any other kind of storm that should happen , for here we have Houses over our heads , so that if it should rain Dogs and Cats we could have no harm . And by the Masse quoth Sr. Lambert you speak right cunningly Sr. Vane ; And besides this we do not fear to have our Corns trod upon by the Horses of the enraged Charrioters , nor are we in danger to be bruised by those sturdy Gyants ycleped Carrmen , nor néed we fear to have our Mantles snatch'd from us going late in the dire●ul plain of Lincolns-Inna ; However Liberty is worth its weight in pure Gold. If that be all replied Sr. V●ne , comfort thy self Sr. Lambert ; for this restraint which is put upon us ought to make us estéem the better of our selves : For experience tells us that have lived long in the World , how that men lock up their choicest Iewels in the most secure places of their Houses ; And you see that though at first the Nightingal be moody , yet eftsoones will she sing in her Cage as pleasantly as in the open Air ; And I pray what is the Body but the prison of the Soul ? and yet our Souls fear nothing more than to be set at liberty . Then said Sr. Lambert to Sr. Vane , since that we are here met so fortunately together , I entreat you to accept of a small entertainment from me this night , for that I have many things concerning which to confer with you ; Most willingly replied Sr. Vane , for that your company is right pleasing unto me . When Supper was brought in , they commanded their Servants to depart , for that they intended to be very private . Then quoth Sr ▪ Lambert , most renowned Knight of the Mysteriou● Allegories , methinks that we being Knights should not be here without our Ladies : though as for mine , I might have the same Opinion of her as Helion had of the fair Constantia , because of the reported familiarity which was betwéen her and the Soldan of Brittain . As for that replied Sr. Vane , I will shew thee many examples of Ladies whose fame hath béen blasted , which yet before the end of the sting have made a shift to rectifie the mistakes betwéen their Knights and them . But quoth Sr. Lambert , suppose that may not be , but that the error be committed , can that be said to concern me any way which was never any pain to me in the World , and of which never any part of my body was sensible . Then replied the Knight of the Mysterious Allegories , Cuckoldry is a very great mystery , and every man understands it not , for true it is , that though you be at Gran Cairo , and your Wife be in any part of the Land of Brittain , yet at that very moment of time that she admitteth a stranger to copulate with her , shall the invisible Horn find shelter under the thicket of your Foretop . That quoth Sr. Lambert full hardly can I believe , for that you may as well make me believe the Moon is made of green Cheese . Certes replied Sr. Vane , you are very ignorant , for the thing by which you seek to prove the impossibility of what I averre , is the greatest Argument of the truth thereof . Why quoth Sr. Lambert is the Moon then made of green Cheese ? then will I be hang'd . Mark yee , quoth Sr. Vane how you confound your self , and how I shall use your own Arguments against you , for if it be not then will I be hang'd . But have you no other Argument replied Sr. Lambert . Most surely replied Sr. Vane ; First because I have said it , whose wisdome by which you have so long beed govern'd would receive no small affront , and your self not a little disparage your self , should you not believe me in this thing as well as in other ; Then proceeded Sr. Vane saying , Know yee then right well Sr. Lambert , that in Metaphysicks the Notional difference makes a clear distinction , as falling into an incapacitated sence of the objected Medium . As for example , I say the Moon is made of green Cheese ; For green metaphysically distinguished is white , by reason of the objected Medium which is the blew Air ; For if you look upon green through a blew Glasse , then it will appear — Hereupon Sr , Lambert interrupting him said unto him , what ! thou wilt by and by make me believe the Moon is made of blew Cheese . No replied Sr. Vane , for I am no Changling though the Moon be one ; I say the Moon is made of green Cheese ; For mark ye what I shall say ; Behold your Uirgnis afflicted with the green Sicknesse , they are said to look green , when they are in verity white ; We call Geese green , yet who is such a Goose as doth not perceive them to be many times grey ; Mo●t is said to be green rosted , when it is all over red with blood ; And all the World that hnows what green Fish is , knows it to be white . And thus the Moon being either red , grey , or white , may properly be said to be green ; Now that it is a Cheese , the Allegorical Configuration of the Supernatural Ideas doth make manifest ; For you see how that a Cheese in its Spherical Rotundity waines and waines till it come to be all eaten , and then presently appears a new Cheese ; Even ●o you see it is with the Moon , which when it is at its smallest decrease , that is all eaten up by the Gods , then comes a new Moon . Moreover do you not see holes in a Cheese ? and did not the Necromancer Galileo discry Holes and Concavities in the Moon . When Sr. Lambert heard this , he twisted his Mustachio's with his fore finger and thumb , listning unto the words of Sr. Vane like unto a Sow in the Beans : But quoth he , Sr. Vane , for all this you tell a strange story , certes I know not how to believe it . When Sr. Vane heard that , he waxed wroth , and sware by his Gods , that unlesse he would believe that the Moon was made of green Cheese he would not give his Daughter unto his Son. Sr. Lambert was much appall'd thereat , and incontinently alter'd his Opinion , saying that if he would swear it he would believe it . Then Sr. Vane putting the top of his little Finger upon the top of his No●e sware in this following manner . I Henry Vane , Knight of the Order of Mysterious Allegories , do swear by the Smock of Dejanica , that the Moon is made of green Cheese , and if it be a lye the Devil confound me . Then Sir Lambert putting his fore-finger in his Tayl , sware as followeth . I Sir Lambert , the valiant Knight of the Golden Tulip , swear by the Beard of Hercules , that both directly and indirectly , I do believe that the Moon is made of green Cheese , and that it is agreeable to the litteral ●ence of Allegorical conclusions . When they had both sworn in this manner , they sho●k hands in most friendly manner ; & Sir Vane being mightily pu●t in his mind for so great a Conquest , went to Bed. CHAP V. How Sir. Baxtero , Knight of the Lions , went in quest after Sir Ludlow , Knight of the powdring-Tub , and how he encountered the Gyant Thomabedlamus , and how he prevented the lust of the said Gyant , and afterwards departed toward Assyria . NOw it felt out that Sir Baxtero having heard how that Sir Ludlow was departed out of Brittain , he made great lamentation and moaning ; there be that say how he wept even like a young Damosel , who being sent to the Alehouse , looses her mony by the way . O quoth he , is Sir Ludlow departed ? then what do I make here ? Surely it is to no more purpose for me to stay here , than for an Astrologer to live in an Oven ; Alas if he do flye the encounter of those Knights that are in pursuit of him , who is as valiant as Hector , how is it possible for me to encounter them , who am so much inferiour to him ? Now by all the Gods , I am like a man in a Wood , like a man in a Mist , yea in a thick Mist , like a man in a Forrest , yea like a man in a thick Forrest . Farewel great mirrour of Chivalry ; now do not I know whither to go after him , neither is there any one that can tell me : for should he be gone to the South , and I should go to the Cast , what were I the nearer ? Therefore great Fortune be thou my guide , and direct my stick to fall the right way , for I do intend to go that way my stick falls . Then greatly perplexed in his soul , he set up his ●●affe , and it fell toward the South-East ; Then did he incontinently buckle on his Helmet , and bestriding his sturdy Courser , who was ycleped Stanfurder , he pricked forward toward the Sea-coast . Now was glittering Phoebus riding with a swift carear through the midst of Heaven , causing the hand of the Dyal to point to that hour of the day when men in Towns and Cities prepare to satisfy their hunger , when the Knight of the Lyons , weary with long travel , laid him down under the shadow of a spreading Oak , nor was it long ere the cares of his mind hung plummets upon his eye-lids , which were clos'd thereby so close together , that you could not thrust the point of a needle betwéen them , by which you may guesse that he was fast asléep . But Fortune that intended nothing lesse than to let him sleep , was resolved to awaken him , for loe , the Gyant Thomabedlamus full of high soaring thoughts , set his bugle to the corner of his mouth , and blew such a blast , as if all the Bulls of Basan had been roaring together ; all the Trees in the Forrest shook for fear , and bow'd their lofty heads as they are wont to do when blustering Boreas comes in the Devils name among them to gather Acornes . Now you must know this , or else you know nothing , that the fair Damosel , ycleped Tatterdemalliona , was fled from the rage of the cruel wight her Father , who had as she said , and the story doth also averre , sent her to pick Daisies , for that she had yielded up her Maiden head too inconsiderately to K●lmaddox the Knight of the Bloody Cleaver : Long had she wandered , so that her feet look'd like claryfi'd Whey , and she panted ●ike a broken-winded-horse , clambring up the King Ludd's Mountain : Sometimes as she sate , she pick'd the gravel out of her feet , for the Author of the H●story saith , that she was very sore by reason of the same ; sometim●s she was in chase of certain evil creatures , ycleped F●eas , that did delacerate her snowy bosom , which caused those Ivory Mountains to be displayed unto the view of burning Phoebus , so that whoever was near her might discern the beauty of her nakednesse , and the nakednesse of her beauty , without the Prospective Glass of Tychobrahe . Now you must know that the Gyant Thomabedlamus as he was leaning over a high Oak into the green plast , whereas the distressed Damosel sate , espy'd her in this condition and posture : now wot ye well when he saw her , that he was in a great Agonie , for his goggle eyes roll'd up and down , and the drivil ran down his Beard for joy , for that the Lady was passing beautious ; but he did not study to wooe her with Love-verses , neither did he sigh for sorrow , neither did he beat his breast , or make complaints of her disdain , for said he to himself , is not this Forrest mine , and all that is therein ? Then who shall give me any disturbance ? Seeing that there is no Knight so hardy who dares approach these enchanted Shades , I will enjoy this Damosel as many times as there be leaves in this Forrest , for that she pleaseth me wondrous well ; Then the Gyant rushed in unto her , and said , Hail fair Damosel , if thou wilt yield unto me I will do thee no harm ; whenas she heheld so great a Gyant , she squéeked right effeminately , and made such a loud Yell , as she had béen a young Grayhound ty'd up in her Kennel . Then the Gyant bespake her , saying , squeek not fair Damosel so loud , for thou squeekest in vain . Alas quoth she , Sir Gyant , it is time for me to squeek , when thou seekest to croppe my Uirgin-flower ; Then quoth the Gyant , tell me not of thy Uirgin flower , What signifieth thy flower , or thy Uirgin-flower to me ? we Gyants never consider them at all . When the Damosel heard him speak so terribly , the blood forsook her pale chéeks , and though her feet were so sore , as we told you before , yet she assay'd to run away , but the Gyant catching her about the waste , laid his great paw upon her corral lipps , and stopp'd her mouth , beginning to deal with her as men deal with Curtezans at Venice . The Damosel finding her mouth stopp'd , made a noise like a Pig that is grasp'd about the Snout . Now you m●st know that the Knight of the Lyons , being as we said , awakened out of his sléep , heard the noise which came out of the Damosels Nose , her mouth being stopt , at which he greatly marvelled , for he wondered what it should be ; Peeping therefore through the bushes , he saw the Gyant and the Damosel together , and how the Gyant tumbled the Damosel , as Children tumble great Snow-balls in the streets . Ah quoth the Knight of the Lyons , certes this fair Damosel must needs be in a peck of troubles , but how to relieve her I cannot tell , for if I should assay to strappe his Iacket , and he should c●rry my Coat , than were the Damosel and I both in a worse condition than before . However great pity it is that she should suffer , and great shame for me to let her . And having said these words , he rushed in upon the Gyant , and ere that he could be aware of him , and as the story saith , while he was at rem●in●re , he gave him such a remembrance upon the small of the b●ck , that had he not been a Gyant , most certainly he had broken his chine . The Gyant was hereupon in great wroth ; Could you blame him ? but finding himself so weak by reason of the stroak , that he could not go , he spatt at the Knight of the Lyons , and spatt so violently in his face , that he had almost beaten the Knight of the Lyons backward ; But the Knight of the Lyons recovering himself , saw how that his Tassel gentle lay like a bridge between his belly and the fair Damosel , wherefore without delay , with a courage Monsieur , he smote thereon so hardily , that he cut it in twain , as it had been a silken thread , and the sword glancing along , took away also one half of his Testicles , as you would slit a Walnut in twain , the pain thereof made the Gyant Thomabedlamus to roar like any Lyon. Ay me , quoth he , hard hearted Girl , now by all the Gods I do curse thee from the bottom of my heart to the bottomless pit of the infernal shades . When the Knight of the Lyons had performed this adventure , he departed toward the Land of Assyria , but because he was hard pursu'd by the Loyal Knight , he changed his upper garments to Palmers grey , the best means to passe without molestation . CHAP. VI. How Sir Ludlojus Knight of the green Powdring Tub , was hid under a Tree , and so escaped his enemies because of a Bird. ANd it fell on a day , how that Sir Ludlojus Knight of the green Powdring Tub , was riding all alone toward the Land of Assyria , which being heard at the Court of the King of Brittain ▪ several Knights were sent to pursue him , and take him ; and certes they pursued him right ●orely , for he was much hated by them ; but when the Knight of the green Powdring Tub saw them coming , his heart was almost drowned in fear , and his lungs had e'ne forgot to what purpose they were made . Alas quoth he unfortunate Knight , what wilt thou do ▪ If thou runnest for it , thou wilt certainly be overtaken , and wilt only give thy enemies the mirth of a pleasant Chase. And why should'st thou hazard thy life by staying , which kind Fortune may save ? Then seeing no other remedy , he cast himself from his Horse , and peeping about , he espy'd a Bush , and crept thereinto , for the Wood was very thick there . Now when his enemies came to seek him there , they could not find him , but they saw a Bird sit on a Tree , the which Bird men call an Owl , and then said they that there was no man , for the Bird sate there ; and so they went away . So when sable night had curtain'd the world in darknesse , he proceeded on his journey , and from that time unto this day , it is said that Sir Ludlojus hath that Bird in great reverence , and worships it above all other Birds in the world . CHAP. VII . How the Gyant Okey wandered up and down the world in great terrour , and how he was afterwards found in a Wood by the Soldan of Britain's Daughter , in whose presence he slew himself , with other accidents that after happened . YOu do well remember that when the Christian Champions had discomfited the H●st of the meek Knight , as also of the forty Tyrants , that the disloyal Gyant Okey secretly fled , partly out of anger for the loss , partly for the preservation of his life . So in great grief and terrour of Conscience he wandered like a fugitive up and ●own the world , sometimes remembring of his past prosperity , and sometimes thinking upon the Rapes that he had committed and how he had sorely afflicted several Knights who were thrown into his power by the Necromancer Hugo Petros . Sometime his guilty mind imagined , that the bleeding Ghost of the good King of Britain , whom he had mudered , followed him up and down , haunting him with fearful exclamations , and filling each corner of the earth with clamors of revengement . Such fear and terrour raged in his soul , that he thought all places where he travelled , were filled with multitudes of Knights , and that the strength of Countries pursued him , to heap vengeance upon his guilty head for those wrongs that he had wrought , whereby he cursed the hour of his birth , and blamed the cause of his creation , wishing the Fates to consume his body with a flash of fire . In this manner he travelled up and down , filling all places with ecchoes of his grief , which brought him into such , that many times he would have slain himself . But it happened that one morning very early , by the first light of Titans burning Torch , he entered into a narrow and streight passage , which conducted him into a very thick and solitary Forrest , wherein he travelled , till such time as glistering Phoebus had pass'd the half part of his journey . And being weary with the long way , and the great weight of his Armour , he sate him down , and began anew to have in remembrance his former committed cruelty ; and complaining of Fortune , he thus published his grief , for seeing himself without remedy he resolved like the Swan , to sing a while before his death and so thinking to give ease to his tormented heart , he warbled forth these verses following . MOurnful Melpomene approach with speed , And shew thy sacred face with tears bespent , Let all thy Sisters hearts with sorrow bleed , To hear my plaints , and rueful discontent ; And with your moans , sweet Muses all assist My mournful Song , that doth on woe consist , Time wears out life , it is reported so , And so it may , I will it not deny , Yet have I try'd , and by experience know , Time gives no end to this my misery ; But rather Fortune , Time , and Fates agree , To plague my heart with woe eternally . Ye Silvian Nymphs that in these Woods do shrowd , To you my mournful sorrows I declare ; You Savage Satyrs let your ears be bow'd To hear my woe your nimble selves prepare , Trees , Herbs , and Flowers , in Rural Fields that grow ▪ Are never troubled with such lasting woe . You furious beasts that feed on Mountains high , And restlesse run with rage your prey to find , Draw near to him whose brutish cruelty Hath cropt the budde of Virgins chaste and kind . I know no means to yield my heart relief , 'T is only death which can dissolve my grief . When as I think upon my pleasures past , Now turn'd to pain , it makes me rue my state ; And since my joy with woe is overcast , O Death give end to my unhappy state ; For only death will lasting ease provide , Where living thus , I sundry deaths abide ▪ Wherefore all you that hear my mournful Song . And ●asted have the grief that I sustain ; All lustful Murderers that have done wrong , With tear-fill'd eyes assist me to complain ; All that have being , do my being hate , Crying , haste , haste , this Wretchet dying state . This sorrowful Song being ended , he laid himself all along upon the green grasse , closing up the Closets of his Eyes , in hope to repose himself in a quiet sleep , in which silent Contemplation we will leave him a while , and return to Mistris Francisca , the Soldan of Brittains Daughter ; For she was beloved by two right famous Knights , Sr. Reynoldo , the vailant Knight of the Castle Dunkirkum , and the young Knight of the Flaming Fan , ycleped Don Ricco , who both did greatly contend for her ; But it so fell out , that Sr. Reynoldo was drowned in the green Ocean ; for he went about to fly over the Sea , but he could not ; for either his Wings were too short or too long , or else something else was the matter , for it so happen'd that he failed in his enterprize ; Now when Sr. Reynoldo was dead , Don Ricco did incontinently enjoy his Love ; but he was likewise betwitched by the cruel Pockyhora , who was the most notable Inchantresse of her time , and so he dyed like wise . Whereupon the beautiful Mistris Francisca made great moans and lamentations , but it was all to no purpose ; therefore she departed secretly from her Fathers Court , for that she was made believe by the Inchantresse Pockyhora , how that Don Ricco was not dead , but was gone to pursue an Adventure in the Court of the King of Morocco , against two Knights of the Pewter Syringe who had right sorely abused him ; Now in her Travels she wander'd over Hills and Dales , over Mountaines and Ualleys , and one Night among all the rest she lay in a Gravel-pit all night , and as she lay asleep , a right vehement shower fell from Heaven and moistned her garments to her Oriental skin , then she arose and rung her l●lly white smock , and so she went on her way ; And at length she came to the Forrest , where the disloyal Gyant Okey lay under a Chestnut Tree : Now when they beheld each other , they greeted one another in a most wonderful manner , and the Gyant would have lain with her , but she refused , saying that she was not in a condition to do any such thing . Then said the Gyant unto her in the name of all the Gods what make you here ? to which she replied , I pray Sr , Gyant what make you here ? Oh quoth the Gyant , I am stuft up with sorrow ; And I quoth the Lady , am almost stifled with woe . Oh quoth the Gyant than surely our Cases are both alike ; Certes quoth the Lady , they are so , even just so like as Four-pence is to a Groat . Then the Gyant would have perswaded her to have slain him ; but she refused , bidding him to do it himself , for she said , that the Soldan of Brittain had never bred her up to be any bodies servant . The Gyant hearing her words was right sorrowful , and lay still a good space as he had been in a Trance , but anon rising up again , and staring about him , some three or four times , there he is quoth he , and then he ran with great fury towards the Body of a great Oak that stood hard by , for he took it to be the Knight of the Black Armour ; Accursed Wight quoth he , now shalt thou pay for all thy Uillanies , and so saying he struck so violently against the Tree with his Iron Mace , that he brake it all in shivers : How quoth the Gyant , art thou able to bear so great a blow , and yet stand ? Certes I will cast thee down to the ground eftsoones , and tread out thy guts : And having said those words he ran his head so violently against the Tree , thinking to have born down the Knight of the Black Armour with the weight of his Body , that with the force of the shock he dash't out his own brains ; Ah quoth the Gyant , Sr. Knight right valiantly thou hast overcome me ; yet I could have wish'● thou might'st have fallen likewise , And anon he groan'd like an expiring Whale , and then he gaped so wide , that his Chaps were almost a quarter of a Mile asunder , and then his Soul went forth in the shape of a Sea-horse , but whither I wot not . CHAP. VIII . How the Arch-Priest Hugo Petros , made love unto the fair Dolcomona , who was married to Kilmaddox Knight of the Bloody Cleaver , and of the Letter which he wrote unto her , and what happned thereupon . NOw you must understand that in Londinum there lived an Arch-Priest who was ycleped Hugo Petros ; to him had the Soldan of Brittain given large possessions , and did oft times discover unto him his bosome thoughts ; This made him rich , and his riches made him insolent , he was also greatly lustful , so that he never looked upon any Danisel that was fair but he lusted after her . Now it hapned on a day , that he went to buy Offerings for his Paynim God , the which it was ycleped Greedy-Colon , which he worshipt more than any other God ; and as he was buying his said Offering , he chanced to espie the fair Dolcomona Wife to Sr. Kilmadd●x Knight of the Bloody Cleaver ; she was sitting under a Bower , with a Fan in her hand made of an old Beaver wherewith she kept off the Flies from the Sacrifices ; Her Face it was full fairly fat , and her Arms were plump and round like two Collars of Brawn , her Cheeks were as red as scarlet , and her Eyes were like the eyes of a Ram , her Fingers were thick and small , and at her side hung a large Pouch , and the Keys of Sr. Kilmaddox's Castle . Now when the Arch-Priest beheld her , he was marvellously enamont'd on her , and greatly desired for to enjoy her ; Many opportunities he sought , and many he failed of ; Wherefore with a heart full of despair , and much wasted , for that the Fat thereof was almost dript away , through the heat of those flames that continually tossed it , he went to the Knight of the Sack-but , who dwelt in a Castle close by , and before the Gate of his Castle there was a Ship which hung in the Air by Magick Art , and when men saw that ship , then they said one to another , this is the Castle of the Knight of the Sack-but . To him the Arch-Priest disclosed all the secrets of his heart desiring his asistance withall . The Knight of the Sack-but replied right courteously , that he was ready to serve him to the uttermost of his power ; Nor do I imagine quoth he , that the fair Dolcomona hath a Heart so stony which will not be broken by the Hammer of thy Eloquence . When the Arch-Priest heard him say so , he was much comforted , and determin'd to give her notice of his love in the most passionate lines , the ●enor whereof were as follows . Most incomparable Dolcomona , I Am both your Servant and your Chaplain , I beseech you not to stop your ears , for that I am burnt up in affection toward your fair person , but rather to set them wide open to hear my rude lines ; For you must know most redoubted Lady , that the beauty of your admirable person , and the supernatural form wherein you are fram'd and composed , hath even ravish'd my spirits , broken my heart , split my whole sences insunder , and quite bereft me of all rest both day and night , and only with doting on your peerlesse beauty ; Again fair Lady my meat , drink , manners , yea and my very countenance , they all plead at the Bar of thy fair Face , and resplendant Countenance ; If you refuse me , denying these my unrestful thoughts , I can look for nothing but present death , nay I rather covet therein to be locked fast as in a prison , than receive denial from your fair lips . O most fair , most courteous , most amiable , gentle , and also right youthful Lady , be not thou the cause that I should determine my life by losing your love , but rather grant what I desire , and thereby make me for ever yours in hearty affection . If you urge how I dare offend the Gods by this unlawful act ? To that fair Lady I answer , that I am one of the Vicars of the Gods upon Earth , and therefore it wholly rests in my power to absolve you from your sins , and enjoyn you penance , which trust me Lady shall be very easie , so you will grant me your love . Then the Arch-Priest sealed up this Letter , and gave it the Knight of the Sack-but , and he gave it to his doughty Squire , who was ycleped Anonanonsir , chargeing him that he should deliver it into the hands of the fair Lady Dolcomona , with as much privacy as could be imagined . But sometimes the Fates will not perm●t those things to come to passe , which men do in their own thoughts contrive . For Sr. Kilmaddox séeing the Squire whisper in the fair Dolcomona's ear , with an angry Countenance demanded the cause of the Squires coming ; she ask'd him what that was to him ? Then Sr. Kilmaddox struck her so hard upon the Cheek that he had almost stunn'd her , whereupon she cried out murder with a loud voice ; after that she ran with a great fury out of the doors , with one of her téeth in her hand , which Sr. Kilmaddox had struck out of her head , vowing in great wrath to be revenged on him . So the went to the Castle of the Knight of the Sack-but , and incontinently the Squire waited on her up to the Arch-Priest . When the Arch Priest be held her , he ran unto her and embraced her , and kissed her so hard , that she cried out through the anguish of the pain ▪ what ailes the ioy of my life quoth the Arch-Priest ? Alas replied the fair Dolcomona , the cruel Sr. Kilmaddox wou●d have s●●i● me , raging with jealousie . Now by the Gods quoth th● Arch-Priest , if I were a Knight I would slay him my self , but I will hire one that shall do it ▪ and that shall be all one ; Thereupon the Arch-Priest went and hired the Knight of the Coal-wharse , who was a right grim Knight , and he went and fought with Sr. Kilmaddox , and killed him straightway . Then was the Arch-Priest right glad , and he said to the fair Dolcomona , let us now enjoy those pleasures which with so much hazard we have purchased ; which when she had readily consented to , because they would be private , he carried her forth in a Charriot toward the Forrest of Maribona ; Now was scorching Phoebus raging in the midst of Heaven , when these two loving Couple laid themselves down under the shade of a spreading Chestnut Tree ; nor was it long ere the Arch-Priest raging with Concupisence , began the combat of love ; when a Country Swain searching for some Cattel that he had lost , espied them at their sport : Then the Swain ran presently and called others that were hard by , and when they came , they were right joyful to see what they saw , for the Arch-Priest was ill b●lov'd of all the people of Brittain . When the Arch●Priest saw that he was so surpri'sd , he withdrew his File from the Iron , and rising on his feet , quoth he , My good friends , first read ye the lives of the holy Fathers , and then condemn me if you think fit to the Gallows , it was Pluto in my shape , and with my voice that hath done this mischief , and not I , for the Arch-Priest of Brittain could do no such evil . However it was related abroad , and believed for a truth , so that the Arch●Priest suffered great Insamy thereupon . CHAP. IX . How the Necromancer Scoto seeing the devices of the Forty Tyrants to fail , would have raised up the Devil to his Assistance . THe night was as dark as black pitch ▪ and a thick M●st covered the face of the Skie , so that a man could in no wise have seen the Stars , though he had the eyes of the quick sighted Lynceus , when a dark cloud of melancholy thoughts enveloped the brow of Scoto the Nec●omancer . I was , quoth he , in former time , so long as Fortune smiled upon me , one of the chief Commanders of the Land of Britain , but now pale be the brightnesse of the clear Sun , and cover the earth with everlasting darknesse ; Skies turn to pitch , Elements to flaming fire ; roar Hell , quake Earth , swell Seas , blast Earth , Rocks rend in twain , for now will I try the utmost of my Magick Spells , for men do fall me , therefore Devils must help me . So he got him a great Hoop , made of black Ebony , and ty'd it round about with long thread Laces . In the midst thereof he stood , y●lad in a vestment of Seagréen perpetuana , on his head he had a Pastboard Hat , covered with a green Case , oyld , his loins were girt about with a Girdle made of Bulls pizzles , enchanted by Magick Art , at the first peeping of the new Moon ; before his b●c●● he wore a plate of Tinne , whereon was pictur'd a Gorgon head . Then he muttered a hundred and ten hard words , as fast as he could tumble them out of his mouth , and read a whole Sermon , made by the Seer Strong , the which he had written in Characters of Short hand . When the Devil heard that , he was greatly amazed , not knowing what it meant , for that it was one of the latest inventions among Mortals . Then he came unto the Seer Scoto , and said unto him , what wouldst thou have thou vain fool ? get thee about thy businesse , and come to me when I call for thee , which will be very suddenly : with that he departed , but whither I wot not . CHAP. X. How a certain Vandall , y●leped Vennero , came to Londinum , and defied all the Christians ; and how his fury was abated . NOW you must know that in those dayes , there lived a Uandal in a wood , who was hight Vennero , for when he was born , his Mother left him in this wood , being pursued by two blood-thirsty Satyrs , who would have done something to her , that it séems she would not have them do . Now being so left there , this ●amen young Uandal , was suckled by a wild Mare , and he grew up ▪ and fed upon the Barkes of trees ; now it came to passe , that in processe of time there came a Christian wandering to the wood , and he rushed forth , and flew him , and drank up his blood , and liked it wondrous well , so that he desired to have a whole Ocean full , some to keep in Hogsheads ▪ for the winter , and some to draw out in Bo●ies for the summer ; Then they told him if he would go into the City of Londin●m and kill Christians , he might have as much as he would drink ; with that he pulled up a hollow Oak by the roots , and cut therein holes for his Armes , and it was unto him as a Coat of Male ; Then he came unto the City of Londinum in great wrath ; for he sware that he valued the Christians no more than Butchers Dogs valued Rubies . So as I told you before , he press'd into the City of Londinum by Night , and then the Folk were all charmed up with the Charmes of Morpheu● ; But when they rose in the Morning to go about their businesse ▪ they had better have kept themselves in their warm Beds , for why ? Why because this cruel Uandal met them , as they came out of their Doors , and destroyed them ; And when he had so destroyed them , he eat them without either Capers or Sampire . What a disturbance this bred in the City of Londinum you may well conjecture . When these tidings came to the Eares of the Christian Knights , they resolved to purchase Fame with the Blood of this Uandal ; Many other rewards were also promis'd to him that should vanquish , beside that of Fame , by the fair Dames of Londinum , as Bevers , new Suits , Purses of Gold , Nights lodgings , and the like , for they would have given any thing at that time to have been rid of this Uandal . There came Don Contumeliano the Knight of Fortune , but the Uandal eftsoones laid him upon the cold Earth , and then saw'd off his Eares with the rough end of a Bone o● a Sirloyn of Béef . Then there was the Knight of the Blew Apron , and then there was the mighty Vulcan , with twenty grim Cyclops's besides , and they laid upon his Head , as they us'd to bang their Anviles , when they made the Armour of Achilles ; B●t the Uandal was mad to hear such a noise about his Eares , which caused him so to lay ahout him , that his Enemies fel● be●ore him like mow'd Barley . Then fear came upon the people of Londinum , and they knew not what to do ; At length some wiser than some , caused great Trapps to be made like Mouse-Trapps , which they set in the Stréet , having first bai●ed them with Bread and Chéese , but the cunning Uandal took away the Bread and the Chéese , and yet the Trapp fell not down , for he made no more of the Trapp , than St. George made of an Inchanted Castle . Which when Don Crisp●ano the Knight of the Golden Last perceived , he gave the Uandal so fierce an Encounter , that the Uandal lost his Stirrups , and had fallen , but that he held by his Hors's Neck ; for he now had got him a Horse , but how I am not able to inform you . But for Don Crispiano , he measured his length on the Ground , and his Shield was taken from him ; Then the Ua●dal demanded his name , but he answered , he had no other name than the Knight of the Golden Last . The ne●● that s●t upon him , was the Knight of the Eagle ; so ●a●led , for that the Castle where he ●ived , was known by that s●●n . The Uandal and he right valiantly cou●ned their Sphears , and the first course proved so valiant , that their Sphears s●ivered all in splinter●● ▪ Each Combatant perceiving Ualour to brandish on the top of his Helmet , they thought fit to make a pause . Right valiant Mortal , quoth the Uandal , I am glad that I have met with thee , for thou seemest to be right strong , but for all this , I care not a Button for thee ; th' other bout I 'm resolved to have with thee ; But what said the Thatcher to his man ? First let 's drink . So he called for a whole gallon of Aqua Vitae , and mixed it with the blood of the Knight of the Golden Last ▪ who was last slain , and drank it up at one draught . After that they made a second course wherein the Knight of the Eagle got the better ; for he press'd so hard upon him , that ●he ●ran ●his Launce into his neck , the anguish of which wound , caused the Uandal to fall to the ground : when he was fallen to the ground , the Christians came in sholes , and took him , and bound him with iron hoopes , and threw him into a Dungeon , and after that they hang'd him , and so there was an end of this Vandal . CHAP. XI . How Pacolet the Dwarf , cousened the Necromance● Scoto , when he had him upon his Horse , and instead of carrying him into the Territories of the King of Hispania , brought him to Londinum , where he was hanged . NOW Scoto the Necromancer seeing that he could not avoid the fury of the Christians ; and for that his Charms did also fail him , he fled away , for he prayed right fervently unto blustring Boreas ; wherefore blustring Boreas hearing his prayers , took him , and carried him away in a Cloakbag into the Land of Flandria . Now as soon as Pacolet the Dwarf espyed him ; Quoth he unto the Séer ; Right worthy Seer , In the Name of the Ruler of the Air , what make you here ? Quoth he , if I make any thing , I make Buttons , for I am in deadly fear of the Christians . Then said the Dwarf , Right worthy Seer know this , that I am lately come out of the Land of Hispania , where I know to secure thee as safe as a Thief in a Mill , therefore come along with me , and slay no longer to expostulate , for upon my Horse we will su●denly arrive in Hispania , where thou shalt be kept as secure as Medlers in Hay . So the Séer Scoto caused the Dwarf to be highly feasted , setting before him Ma●ar●●es and Hippocrisse ; So on the morrow they went towards their journey , but mark what sokewa● , ●aving thus or●ered his affairs , he came in the dead than of the Night unto the Tent where Scoto say , crying out so loud to him that he awoke him ; Sir quoth he , little appeareth in you the love of your safety , seeing that for it you are unwilling to break your sleep . Whereunto the Seer replied , Thou hast done well to awaken me , for I was even now in a most fearful Dream ; Me thought a Crow did bear me swiftly through the Air , and as she was flying away with me , another great ●ird met me , and strook so hard at me , that the blood issued out in great abundance ; now this Dream maketh me to fear that the Christians have some Intelligence of my Designes . Away quoth the Dwarf with this Childish fear , will you for this neglect the love of your own life ? By Mahomet quoth the Séer , thou sayest the truth . Then the Dwarf took the Séer behind him upon his Woodden Horse , and turning the Pin , the Horse rose up into the Air so swiftly , that in a little space they were come to the City of Londinum . The Séer perceiving the Horse to fray , said thus unto him , Friend are we at our journeys end . Yea said the Dwarf , and fear nothing . By Mahomet quoth the Séer , the Devil hath born us hither very quickly . So he brought him into a great Hal● , which belonged unto the Palace of the King of Brittain , and bid him enter thereinto , and so he entered therein . Now when the Christians heard that Scoto the Necromancer was in the great Hall , they came into the Hall where Scoto sate . Then Scoto perceiving himself betrai'd , would have crept into an Augur hole , but they would not let him , and then he cried out with a loud voice , Thou false Traytor quoth he to my person , I vow to be revenged of thee for this Fact ; and know this right well , that I never Dyed yet in any mans Debt to whom I ought a mischief ; therefore assure thy self , that if ever I come again to be one of the Forty Tyrants , I will remember thy Box at Christmas , nay though I stay till Easter I care not much . Then the Dwarf told the Christian Knights , that if this right Diabolical Necromancer did escape them this time , a world of miseries might ensue thereon . Whereupon they incontinently took him , and hang'd him up with a new Rope , upon the highest Pinacle of the Pallace , in the sight of many Sarazins that came to view and behold his fatal end . CHAP. XI . How the Gyant Husonio went and built him a Castle in the Air , intending to live a private life ; and how Sir Boreas quarrell'd with him ; and how he thought to have affrighted Sir Boreas , and what happened thereupon . THE Gyant Husonio having met with many misfortunes , as I told you before , or whether I did or no 't is no great matter ; he resolved upon a very strange adventure , as you shall hear anon . Most miraculous it is quoth he , that I can live no where in quiet for these same Christians ; However if I cannot live quiet upon the Earth , by Mohomet I will live quiet in the Air , and there I will build me a Castle . How , in the Air , quo his Dwarf , that is impossible . Slave , quoth the Gyant , thou liest ; For dost thou not see how our God Mahomet lives in the Air ? even so will I live there also ; For why may not I live in the Air that am a Gyant , as well as a little Sparrow that I can crush to pieces between my thumb and my fore finger . The Dwarf then s●eing him begin for to wax wroth ; nay Sir quoth h● , i● you are resolved to live in the Air , you shall live in the Air. B●ing thus recon●●'d , the Gyant went on with his Proj●ct ; Quoth the Gyant then to himself , what is there that will abide in the Air ? Feathers most certainly ! Why then suppose I should compose this Castle of Feathers ▪ certes it would be right easy , but very light , the better for that , and the wind should blow me up and down like the down of a This●ie . With that the Gyant so fled to himself , as Iupiter smiled , when he Cuckolded Amphi●ryo , for he was right well pleased to think how he should dayce in the Air. Nay b●t quo his Dwarf , though Feathers be light , yet thou art right ponderous , and it is against the Rules of Philosophy , for heavy things to maunt up ; With that the Gyant rafl'd against Philosophy , like a Tankard-bearer , for three hours together , and would presently have arm'd himself , upon an adventure which was to knock all the Philosophers in the world o' th head ; But his Dwarf , lesse in bulk but larger in wit , told him that the building of his Castle would be of far greater concernment , than the killing Philosophers : Then quoth the Gyant , as concerning this Castle , for I would fain have this Castle built , and built in the Air. And when that he had vented his mind in such ●ise ▪ he went into the North , & cut a Rock o● Adamart all into shivers ; they say that if ● is Dwarf had not pull'd him by the elbow , he would have cut the said Rock as small as hearbs to the Pot , for that when he was hewing , he never considered what he did ; Then he bethought himself ▪ how that the nature of the Loadstone was to cleave to the North-Pole , as close as he was wont to s●ick unto his fair Leman ; So then quoth he , if I can but make a Castle of this Loadstone , and fix it thereon , the Dev●l himself can never remove it . So he made him a Castle of the pieces of Loadstone which he had hew'd out of the Rock , and when he had done , he fastned several Rings of Iron unto the sides thereof ; Then he toss'● it up with a vengeance , and wish'd it good luck , ●or quoth he , the Devil is in it , if the top of the Pole do not catch hold of some one or other of the Rings which I have made on the sides , as in sooth it happened . Now when it was fast , he bid his Dwarf to a fast about his middle , and then he gave a Iump , and leap'd in at one of the windows . Now when this Castle was thus hang by Geometrie , it séemed unto the Samoedes , and People of Groynlands , as a Uinegar-Bottle upon the Top of Sali●bury S●ire . And when it was dark , that the Gyant lighted Cu●dles they took it for they 〈◊〉 not with at themselves , for they never dream'd that it was a Castle in the Air. Now when Sr. Boreas saw this strange thing he was astonished , and h● whist●●● so ●ou● that he awoke the Gyant : so he looked out at the window , with his night Cap on , and asked Sr. Boreas why he whistled so loud ; I will whistle yet louder quoth Sr. Boreas and with that he whistled so furiously , that the Gyant Husonio was tor●ed to pull in his Eares ▪ Then the Gyant was tight grievously ●ag●d and went and strook fire , and lighted a T●rch , and caused his Dwarf to ●rick it in his Tayl , and so he went ●ac●war●s , with ●is Head betwéen his Legs , to méet Sr. Boreas , as the Fellow went to fright t●e Tanners D●st . But Sr. Bo●eas was a right hardy Knight , and teared him no more than if he had béen an ordinary man ; for he presently blew out the Gyants Torch , and then gave him such a blow on the bare flesh , that he strook him back again into his Castle over the , ●all . Now the Gyant though himself s●●e ; But Sr. Bo●eas swore his Castle should not hang there ; so he cut the Ring by which it was held , and rubbed the North Pole with Garlick , which caused it to lose its Magnetick force ; And so the Castle , with the Gyant , and his Dwarf , fell into the bottomlesse Pit. CHAP. XII . How the Knight of the Lyons cast himself headlong from the top of a Tower , and broke his neck ; And of the several misfortunes that befel the Forty Tyrants ; And of several other delectable passages , and so good buy to yee , NOW you must know that the Knight of the Lyons , before he executed the fatal Tragedy which he intend●d , made a spéech but t●at spéech is lost , for f●●● the Records thereof are not to be found . But 〈…〉 , that th●t very Evening he abandoned the sight of all Company , and repaired to the top of an hi●h ●o●er the which it was built all of Marble , wherein he ●a●e ● himself so ●ast wit● Iron bolts , that none could 〈…〉 h●a●i●g of his lamentations . Then ra●●d he up and down like fra●●ick Oedipus , tearing his ●●es from their natural C●●●s ▪ accusing the Heavens of Injustice con●●●i●● the Earth of Iniquity , & cursing man , because he could not h● Knight o● th● Lyons s●ill : Another while ●e wis●ed that some unlucky Planet would desead from the Firmament , & fall upon his miserable Head. B●ing ●t ●t is extreame despair , because he was put away from the Castle of the Lyons , he never hoped to return thither again ; And so about midnight , being a time when desperate men practice their own destructions , he cast himself headlong from the top of the Tower , and broke his Neck , and all besprinkled the flinty pavements with his Blood and Braines . Then was Sr. Haringtonius , Knight of the Rota , also in déep distresse , for he fled from the fury of the Christians , as Dust flyes before a Whirlwind ; And he cried out , Oh yee fatal Torches of the Elements , why are you not clad in mou●nful Habiliments , to cloak my wandering steps in eternal darknesse ? More he would have said , but that a certain salt Rheume sell upon his Lungs , which caused him to have a very great Burre in his Throat , so that thereupon he was in wonderful despair ; Now as he was in despair so was he in Arabia likewise , and being in both together , a most desperate whimsey came into his head ; Wherefore he got to himself Odours and Spices of sundry kinds , as also the odoriferous branches of Lignum Rhodium , and several other swéet woods ; And when he had piled them in a heap together , he put thereunto fire , and then threw himself into the flames ; for that it is said , he had long before resolved , if misfortunes came thick upon him , to dye like a Phe●ix : For that the Knight of the Lyons was alwayes accounted a Phenix ; Now if he were a Phenix , then men said true , but if he were not a Phenix , then men did not say true . But as for Sr. Ludlojus , the Knight of the Green powdering Tub , though he did not dye , yet there be●el him an Accident , quite contrary to that of the Knight of the Lyons . For when he came to the Inchanted Castle of Parismus , he demanded entrance right boldly . But the Gyant Parismus had made his House o● Office , just before his Castle gate , so that if Knight● were not very wary , they fell thereinto up to the Hea● and Eares , as it happened to Sr. Ludlojus , so that he came to be in the strangest pickle that ever Knight was in . Now you must know , that by the Knights falling into the Privy , the Inchantments of Parismus were dissolved , as it hath many times happened in story ; So that the fair Maid of Wimbleton , being now fréed from the bondage she was in , came forth , and scraped Sr. Ludlojus so clean , that he smelt as swéet as a Razor . Then she and the Knight departed together , but whither , or what became of them after , I here of no Body that kenneth . The Seer Feko hearing of these things , was sorely grieved ; so he told the Emperour , who was ycleped Prester-John , that if he would protect him in his Dominions , he would Convert all his People to the true Faith ; What is that quoth the Emperour ? The Seer replyed , that there was required a multitude of words to declare what the true Faith was ; So he began a long speech ; But when the Emperour heard him talk in his proper phrases , telling him of Rolling upon the Promises , Quickning of the Spirit , Subduing the Outward Man , and the like ; it is said that the Emperours hair stood an end , for that he thought he had been Conjuring ; And he called for his Guard , and caused them to put him out of his Court ; Now being thus put out , he departed into the Land of Mesopotamia , which borders upon the Red Sea. But if you would know what is become of the Seer Rogero , who was the intimate Companion of the Seer Feko , I must tell you , that he is now practising the noble Science of Corn cuting , in the Kingdom of Kathaia . I must also inform you , that many of the Forty Tyran●s , falling into the hands of the Christians , were hanged , which was the chiefest occasion that we can here of that they lived no longer . So that it is not fitting that we should take notice of the Dead , because that after their deaths , they never did any thing Considerable Only it is said that Sr. Harrymartino , the Knight of the Turpentine Pill , begged and intreated hard ●●r his lif● , offering both his Testicles for the Redemption of his Neck ; But Dame Waradina would by no means let him a●ter his property , willing he he should be hanged , rather than disable himself for her ser●ice ; and so being hanged amongst the rest , he took his leave of this World ; but whether he cha●ged this Li●● for a better , He himself b●●t 〈◊〉 . 〈◊〉 quoth Sr. Wallopius , and ha●● t●e L●●al Knight dissolved the Charm●s of 〈…〉 cer : Most certainly replied Sr. 〈…〉 ycleped the Slovenly Knight . 〈…〉 of us ▪ quoth Sr. Wallopius . So ●h●y w●●t ●●to a cert●in Necromancer , and he made 〈…〉 Lamb , which was inchanted by Magick Art. No● this Sepulcher was encompass'd about with a Wall of Iron ▪ ●o when this Monument was framed by Art , Sr. Wallopius , and Sr. Munsonius , caused themselves to be enclosed therein ; where we shall leave them Conversing with Furies , walking Spirits , and black pots of 〈◊〉 ; according to the Tenor of a certain Prophesy , ●o●told some Ages agon . FINIS . 
A43690	----	Coffee-house jests. Refined and enlarged. By the author of the Oxford jests. The fourth edition, with large additions. This may be re-printed, Feb. 25. 1685. R.P. Hickes, William, fl. 1671. 1686 Approx. 265 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 105 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2009-10 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A43690 Wing H1885 ESTC R216840 99828556 99828556 32985 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A43690) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 32985) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 1867:10) Coffee-house jests. Refined and enlarged. By the author of the Oxford jests. The fourth edition, with large additions. This may be re-printed, Feb. 25. 1685. R.P. Hickes, William, fl. 1671. 204 p. : ill. printed for Hen. Rhodes, next door to the Swan-Tavern, near Bride-Lane in Fleet street, London : 1686. The author of "the Oxford jests" = William Hickes. Frontis = ill. At head of frontis.: Coffee house jests; At foot: printed for Henry Rodes near Bride lane in Fleetstreet. Reproduction of the original in the British Library. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. 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Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng English wit and humor -- Early works to 1800. 2008-10 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2008-12 SPi Global Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2009-01 John Pas Sampled and proofread 2009-01 John Pas Text and markup reviewed and edited 2009-02 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion Coffee-House JESTS . Refined and Enlarged . By the Author of the OXFORD JESTS . The Fourth Edition , with Large Additions . This may be Re-printed , Feb. 25. 1685. R. P. LONDON , Printed for Hen. Rhodes , next door to the Swan-Tavern , near Bride-Lane in Fleet street , 1686. coffee house scene COFFEE HOUSE JESTS Printed for Henry Rodes near Bride lane in Fleetstr●… Coffee-House JESTS . 1. A Lusty Widdower in York-shire , came to Woo a Rich Widow in Sommersetshire : and being at her House , she led him out in the Afternoon to shew him what fine conveniences she had about her ; and first shewed him her Garden : saying , Have you seen Sir , such large Cabbages as these any where ? He told her , they were indeed large Cabbages , for this Country , but his Cabbages were so large , that they would shelter a Teem of Horses ●nder 'em , all a whole Winters Night ; which made her wonder : Then she shewed him the Dairy , and therein some Cheeses ; saying , They were accounted the largest Cheeses in England : Yes , says he , They are I confess large Cheeses for this Country , but mine are so big in York-shire , that my Dairy Maid is forc'd to call the Men to turn them with Levers every Morning : This made her wonder the more . Then she shewed him her House , saying , Is it not very high ? for 't is accounted the highest House in all our Country , Yes , says he , 'T is a high House for this Country ; for mine is so high in York-shire , that if a Man goes but up to the upper Room , and he does not take a six-penny Loaf with him , he 'll be starved before he comes down : The good well-meaning Woman had a mind to believe some part of it , because she saw him a handsome and personable Man , and had a Months mind to him . So in the Morning before the Master was up , she takes out his Servant , and shews him the Garden and her good Cabbages there and askt him , If they were not very large ones ? Yes , indeed are they Mistress , says he but says she , Thy Master says , his are so big , that they will keep a Teem of Horses dry a whole Winters Night though it rain all the while : Truly forsooth Mistress , says he , I seldom come into the Garden ; but this I can tell you o● my Masters Cabbages , that he makes Wine-mill Posts of the Stalks of them ; then she began to simper at this , and thought the rest might be true : Yet still she doubted . Then she shewed him the Dairy , asking him , Whether these were not very large Cheeses ? Yes by my faith , says he , Forsooth Mistress , they are very large Cheeses indeed : but says she , Your Master says , That his Cheeses are so big in his Dairy in York-shire , that men turn them every Morning with Levers : Truly forsooth , says he , I seldom come into the Dairy ; but this I can say , that the Whey of one of his Cheeses will drive a Mill for two hours together : Then she bid him look upon the heighth of her House , and askt him , Whether it was not very high ? Yes says he , 't is extreamly high , Yet says she , Your Master says , That his House is so high , that if a go up to the Top , although he have a six-penny Loaf in his Hand , yet he 'll be starved before he comes down again : Truly forsooth , says he , I know nothing of that ; but this I can say , that when I am in the upper Room of his House , that I can hear a Noise in another World : Nay , then says the Woman , I find all is true , that thy Master says , and am resolved to make it a match : and Married they were the Tuesday seven-night after : but I know nothing on 't . 2. A Maid once was making of Black-pudings , and her Dame told her , That the Stuff lookt dry , there was not Blood enough in it : Truly Dame , says she , I think there is Blood enough for my nose has bled this half hour , and all dropt into the Bowl . I would they were in your Guts , says her Dame. Truly , says the Maid , so I intend they shall be when they are boyled . 3. The Wench above-said , had a very large Tripe to wash and cleanse , as she was washing it , her dame told her , she must use some hot Water about it : then she pretty heart pist upon it very plentifully , and rubb'd it in with great care : says her Dame , I bid you use some hot Water about it . So I did , says she , all that I could make , for I can do no more than I can . 4. A Trooper in a Fight had fixt a pair of Rams-horns in a thick Leather Cap , very artificially , to secure his Head instead of a Head-piece in the Fight : Which another Souldiers Wife hearing of , said , If that secured the other Souldier so well , being only Artificial , what will mine do Neighbour , which are truly Natural on my dear Husband's Head ? And now I find what was preserved him in all the Fight , for he never was Wounded in the Head at all . 5. One coming into New-Market to buy some Butter , and there cheapned some ; and the Woman askt 10 d. a pound : then he smelt to it ; What , says she , do you smell to it , in seems you do not like my Butter : Yes says he but 't is no better then it should be : Then you 'll buy none , says she : No , says he , for a reason best known to my self . Then she askt him the Reason ; and with much importunity he told her , 't was because he had no Money : Well then , says the Woman , take it for nothing , so you 'll pay me for it next time you come . 6. A Falconer being a Hawking in the Country , by chance came to a little Ale-house standing alone in a Wood ; and being a Horse-back , knock't at the door , upon which a little Girl came out ; then says he to her , I pray Virgin do me the Kindness as to fetch me a Coal of Fire to light my Tobacco ; then she ran into her Mother , and told her that he call'd her Virgin ; out comes the Mother in a great Fury and told him : He was a Rogue to call her Daughter Virgin , she 'd have him to know , she kept no such Creatures in her House , for though she was Poor , she kept an Honest House , and shut the door upon him , and told him , he should have no Fire there . 7. A Citizens Wife was telling one that she had been in the Country , and saw how Wheat , Rie , B●●ley , and Oats grew ; but she could never tell how Malt grew : Why truly Neighbour , says t'other , the Women in the Country do spin the Malt altogether : My troth , says she , I believe so too , for I see the threds hang out at the ends of it . 8. A Gentleman coming drunk to Bed over-night , in the morning he could not find his Breeches , then he knock'd for the Chamberlain : Sir , says he , if you are sure you brought them in with you , you had best search your Pockets for them , for you lost all your Money last Night out of your Pockets , it may be your Breeches are got in there . 9. Pride and Hewson , Two Oliverian Collonels , the first a Dray-man and t'other a-Cobler , being met together , they must needs to Joking one with the other , then Pride told him he saw a piece of Coblers Wax stick on his Scarlet Cloak : puh , says Hewson , a handful of Brewers Grains will scoure it off presently . 10. It hapned that Oliver was coming from Hampton-Court in a very rainy day in his Coach , which was very full , and Hugh Peters was a Horseback riding by : then Oliver out of pure kindness would have lent him a Coat to keep him from the Rain , but he refused it , and bid the man tell his Master , That he would not be in his Coat for a Thousand pound . 11. A Country Fellow coming to Oxford Market , cheapned some Apples of an Apple-woman there , and she told him , Six a Penny : which he thought unreasonable , and thereupon call'd her the Son of a Whore ; then she told him . He was a Rogue to call her the Son of a Whore , for her Mother was as honest a Womans Child , as any was in the Parish where she lived . 12. Some being merry together , among other discourse , one said , A bushel of March dust is worth a Kings Ransom , but says another ; What is a hogshead of March Beer worth then ? For that comforts the Spirits , and t'other spoils the Eyes ? 13. Some Gentlemen were sitting at a Coffee-house together , one was asking what News there was ? T'other told him , There was forty thousand Men , rose to day , which made them all stare about , and asked him to what end they rose , and what they did intend ? Why faith , says he , only to go to bed at Night again . 14. A Country Fellow being before the Justices upon his Oath at the Sessions , was ask'd the cause of the two mens falling out : He said , my Lord , you are a Rogue . The Judge seeing the People begining to laugh , bad him speak to the Jury , for there were twelve of them . 15. One bid a Maid to go and kiss such a Gentleman : No faith , says she , I beg your pardon , for that , for I won't go to Market for such Ware , which I can have brought home to my door without any trouble with vantage too . 16. A Girl that had a months mind to be Marryed , and on the Wedding day at Night , says she ( to one of her Com●adet ) When I was to go to Bed , I unlac't , and lac't my self again , and pulled off my Shoes and Stockings , and put 'em on again : But when I was to go into Bed , said I , O lack a day ! must I lye with a strange man to Night : And when I was a Bed , I bethought my self how I should lye , for if I should turn my Face to him , he 'd think I was bold , and if I should turn my Breech to him , he 'd say I was unmannerly , therefore I was resolved to lye upon my Back , let come what would . 17. In the time of the Rump , Two Rump Parliament Men being in a pair of Oars , says one of them , You Watermen are Hypocrites : For you row one way and look another : O Sir , says one of them ( being a smart Fellow ) we have not plyed so long at Westminster , but we have learn't something of our Masters ( the Parliament that sit there ) that is to pretend one thing , and act another . 18. A Countrey Fellow brought a Letter to a Gentlemans house , but he not being at home , he left it with a Monkey that stood at the door ; the Gentleman hearing of it , when he met the man , was very angry with him : Sir , says he , And please your Worship I delivered it to your Son which was at the door . My Son , says he , 't was a Monkey : Truly Sir , says he , I thought it was your Son , it was so like you . 19. A Taylor having got an Old Doublet , to mend of an ancient decay'd Gentleman , they happened upon a very large Louse , which by chance he cut in two as he was ripping a place in the Doublet ; then he gave one half of the great Louse unto his Wife , and took the other himself , and they both eat it , and after that called themselves Gentleman and Gentlewoman ; their Journey-man seeing what they did , and hearing what they said , said he was a piece of a Gentleman too ; which made them ask the reason of it ? Why , says he , When you cut the Louse in two with the Sheers , and did eat it , I at that time lickt the Sheers that cut it . Ergo. 20. In the Rumps time , a Foot Souldier met at a Church in the Suburbs a Whore , who was very diligently taking Sermon-Notes , but that night he lay with her , and about a month after his Captain heard that she was catch't a Bed with two men by the Constable ; and he told the Souldier of it ; but he rapping out a great Oath , swore he did not think she had been a Whore though ; and yet he pretty heart had layn with her half a score nights before that , and therefore had good reason to wonder that one should think her a Whore. Probatum est . 21. An Arch Wagg put a great many Rams-horns in a Basket , and went up and down and cryed New Fruit , New Fruit , in the Winter time ; at last a Lawyer bid him let him see his Winter Fruit , which when he saw them , said , You Fool , who d' ye think will buy Horns ? O Sir , says he , though you are provided , yet I may meet with some that are not . 22. A man was advised of late to venture at the great Lottery in Morefields ; No , no , says he , there 's none but Cuckolds have any luck there ; at which his sweet and vertuous Wife being by , and hearing of it , said , My dear Husband , let me entreat you of all loves to venture there , for I 'm certain you 'll have good luck . But how he took it I can't tell . 23. One speaking of the burning of the Streets of London at the great Fire there , said , Cannon-street roar'd , Milk-street was burnt too ; Wood-street was burnt to Ashes ; Bread-street was burnt to a Coal ; Ironmonger-lane was burnt red hot ; Distaff-lane had spun a fine Thread ; Snow-hill was melted down ; Shoe-lane was burnt to boot ; Creed-lane would not believe it till it came ; and Pudding-lane , and Pye-Corner were over bak'd . 24. A Country-man coming to Town in the Rumps Time , and hearing of the great things they had done , would needs go to the Parliament-House to see them ; and being there said , Now Gods blessing on you all for you are a goodly Company , and have done wonderful things to the good of us all ; and that we may be further serviceable unto you , my Wife and I , and all my Children will work hard for you all ; for I see there 's a great number of you : not doubting but in a little time , you may have occasion to make use of me and my Trade : Then they ask't him what Trade he was , he told them a Rope-maker ; and presently slipt away among the Crowd . 25. A Man that had great store of Arable Land , did command a Boy of his to watch the Pidgeons , that they should not eat up the new sow'd Corn : The Boy went presently to the Pool , and there stood , which his Master seeing , Sirrah , did not I bid you watch the Pigeons , and do you stand loytering there ? Sir , says he , this is the best place for me to stand to watch the Pool , that is , not to suffer them to drink ; for if they don't drink , I 'm sure they can't eat . 26. A Welsh-man met another going up a Mountain with a large Pompion in his hand : he askt him what it was ? He told him it 't was a Mare 's Egg , and would have a Colt ; then he gave him a Groat for it , and carried it up the Hill ; and when he was come to the Top , by chance he let the Pompion fall , which tumbled apace down the Hill , till it came to a Bush where it stopt ; and by its beating the Bush , forc'd out a Hare from thence , which the Welsh-man seeing , thought 't was a Colt ; and cried as it ran , Stop her Colt , stop her Colt : yet for all that there went the Hare away , which made the poor Welsh-man for Grief to turn bald , in regard he had lost his Hare . 27. A Lord Mayor being once invited to the Temple to Dinner ; but finding his entertainment at his first coming not to answer his expectation , retired back without eating ; and at his coming out , a Gentleman met one of his Servants , and said to him , Much good d'it you Sir : Why now , says he , you think you have jeer'd me ; but I 'll assure you , I have din'd to day as well as my Lord Mayor . 28. A Mayor of a Town in Wiltshire , came to give a Visit to the Mayor of Wooton Basset ; and when he came to his house , he found him turning of the Spit , which made him think he might jeer him abroad for it ; and therefore desired the other Mayor to sit down , and turn the Spit , whilst he went out to fetch some drink ; which he did ; and he in the mean time invited all the Aldermen of his Town to dinner ; where being come , they found the other Mayor a turning the Spit ; which saved the Credit of the Mayor of Wooton Basset , Probatum est . 29. A rich and covetous Councellor of this Kingdom , that had an only Child , which was a Daughter , and worth 20000 l. A young and handsome Gentleman of good Birth , though of no great Fortune ; yet had so far insinuated himself into the Young Lady's Favour , that she promis'd him Marriage , if he could get her Father's Consent . Immediately he comes for London , and goes to her Father , and told him , That he would give him 10 l. for a Fee , if he could assist him in a business which did much concern him : which was , That there was a rich young Heiress in Town , which had promised him marriage , if it could any way be made good by Law : Why , says he , let her hire a Horse , and invite you to take her away , and let her get up before and you behind , that it may not be said that you rode away with her , but she with you ; and let her go to the Minister , and tell him , 't is her desire to be married to you , and to get a Licence accordingly ; and when you are married , then be sure to bed her , and I 'll warrant you she 's your own . And this , says the Gentleman , you 'll avouch for Law ? He told him , Yes . Well Sir , says he , if you will set your Hand to it , I 'll give you Ten Pounds more ; which he did . Immediately he goes into Countrey , and shews the young Lady what was done , and how 't was done ; and she accordingly performed her promise , and suddenly married and bedded ; and having so continued a week , they both came to London , and came to her Father , and fell down upon their Knees to him , and craved his Blessing : which made him at first fly into harsh Language ; but the Gentleman said , We have done nothing but what you have avoucht for Law , and have it under your hand . The Lawyer fearing his Reputation might be brought in question , and seeing him to be a handsome and well-bred Gentleman , and of a good Family , clapt both their hands together , and bid God bless them ; and then gave them a Subsistence for the present , and made over all to them after his death . Probatum est . 30. A mad roaring Fellow , as he was riding , falling from his horse , pitch'd upon his head , ran among the People standing by , swearing that he had broke his Neck ; and they had no other cause but to believe him , because he swore it so himself . 31. A Countrey Fellow haing been at London , and being come home , a She-Neighbour ask'd him , What News there was in London ? Faith , says he , all the news that I heard , was , That there was a great Press out for Cuckolds . Are you sure on 't , says she ? Sure on 't , says he , I 'm certain of it . Then I am resolved , says she , my dear Husband shall not stir out till the Press is over ; I 'll allow him to press me ; but he shan't be press'd himself ; which shew'd her to be an honest , and truly loving Wife . 32. Says a Lady to her maid , What are you with Child , Hussey ? Yes forsooth , Maedam Why , who got it , you whore ? My Master , forsooth . Where ? In the Truckle Bed. Where was I then ? Asleep in the high Bed , forsooth . Why did you not call out , you whore ? Why , says she , would your Ladyship have done so ? 33. An Arch Wagg hearing a Woman cry Kitchin Stuff , ask't her what it was ? she said , That which drops from Flesh . Well , says he , Call to morrow morning , and I 'll help you to some : And having ▪ got a Pot full of Sir-reverence , the Woman , as her Custom is , puts her hand into the Pot , and drawing it out , smelt the affront , and began to be angry ; Nay , says he , don't be angry , for I helpt you to that which falls from the Flesh . 'T is very true indeed , says she , and I find your Flesh is now very dry ( she strok't his Face with her hand ) and it wants a little greasing , and stands I think in need of basting too , and being a lusty Jade , did baste him well-favouredly . 34. An English-man and his wife which was with Child , Lodg'd at a French-mans house where they understood not one another : It chanc't that one Night the English-woman call'd for a Midwife , and he came down in his shirt to his Landlords Chamber to acquaint them with it : and 't was a very cold Night , says she to her Husband , Let the English - man come to Bed , for he can't go to his own Bed , as his Wives Condition is ; and you need not fear any thing seeing you are a Bed with me ; which being granted , he lay down on the other side of the Woman ; and the French-man being tired the day before , fell fast asleep : But a little after the moving of the Bed , awak'd her Husband , saying , What a Pox are you a doing ? Why , what would you have me to dy , says she , if I should speak to him , it would be to no purpose , for you know he understands not a word of our Language . 35. A Gallant did fancy that he sung exceeding well , although he had a very bad and hoarse Voice ; and having observed that a poor woman did always cry when she heard him sing , askt her the reason of it ? Truly Sir , said she , When I was forc't , being poor , to sell all my Goods , and nothing left me but one poor silly Ass , which was all my Support ; and at last I lost my Ass too ; and that which makes me cry , is , that whensoever I hear you sing , it puts me in mind of my poor Ass . Tarbox for that beloved . 36. A strange Gentleman being much necessitated for a House of Office in the City , and being unacquainted , went into an Upholsters Shop , and bid him shew him a Close-stool : Then he shewed him one : What , says he , Have you no better ? Yes , says he , all of colour'd Velvet . Go , says he , fetch me two or three down : In the mean time he lets down his Breeches , and sate down : The Upholster coming down and seeing him in that posture , ask'd him what he did ? Why truly , says he , I am trying of it . And plucking up his Breeches again , said , He did not like any of them , for they were all too low for him , and so went out o' th' doors . 37. A Doctor of Divinity in Oliver's days that had been sufficiently persecuted and plundered for his Loyalty to his Prince , which made him and many others ( that held his Tenets ) to talk at random sometimes , when they had nothing to lose ; but this talking of his happened to be a benefit to him : for divers did acquaint Oliver , that he was often heard to say , that he did heartily wish that Oliver and all his Army were in Hell : upon which Oliver sent him a Summons to appear before him , and being come , VVhy how now Doctor , says he , I did never expect to hear such Language to have proceeded from a man of your Coat ? VVhy Sir , says the Doctor , what did I say ? VVhy says Oliver , I heard that you should wish that both my self , and my Army were in Hell : Is that all ? says the Doctor , why truly Sir you need not endeavour to procure any testimony to make this manifest ; for I do confess I have said so a hundred times , and do wish the same still , and I think I have done exceedingly well in so wishing ; and my reasons are these . For if you and your Army have conquered three such Kingdoms as these , if you were all in Hell , I think it were impossible for that one Kingdom to withstand you ; and that being conquered , would it not be a great blessing to us all ? VVhich conceit not only procured his Pardon , but a Restitution of his Parsonage also , and likewise a Gratuity ; which made him as Loyal to him as he was before . 38. A Scottish Minister being Chaplain to an English Regiment of Foot , in the time of the Rump Parliament at Saint Edmonds Bury in Suffolk ; and there as he was preaching to them , said Good Lord Bless the grand Council above ( viz. the Parliament ) and grant they may aw hang together : which a Country Fellow that stood underneath hearing , said , Yes , Sir with alll my Heart , and the sooner the better ; and I am sure 't is the Prayers of all good people . But good Friends , says the Person , I do not mean as that naughty man means ; but I pray that they may all hang together in Accord and Concord : Yes , says the Fellow again , In any Cord , so it be a strong Cord : And when he had so said , he slipt away from the Company : At last being searcht for by the chief Officer there , they could not find him : How , says he , Is he slipt away ? If he had not , he should have had the slip bestowed upon him , for his unreverent Language to the Parliament . 39. A great Cavalier in the time of the War betwixt the King and Parliament , was taken Prisoner in the County of Chester by some of the Parliament-Forces ; and in regard that this Gentleman was a Collonel and had been very active in the Kings Service ; he was adjudged by the said Parliament aforesaid , not only to Prison in Nantwich ; but there to be put in a dark Dungeon , with nothing but Straw to lie on ; which he patiently endured for two days : But on Saturday night , he told the Goaler , That he desired that he might have liberty to go to Church on the Morrow to hear their preaching ; perhaps , says he , I may be of your Opinion then : which Sir William granted ; and as the Preacher was Praising God that all their great Victories , he prayed God that he would be a Centinel also , over that only Town of Nantwich , that had been so faithful to the Parliament ; at that the Collonel started up , saying , Pray Sir , must he be a Muscateer or a Pikeman ; Upon which he was conveyed to his aforesaid Lodging again . Probatum est . 40. In a Village in Norfolk , where the Church stands upon a high Stony-hill ; the Lady there and her Family , when they went to Church , did use to Load the Fool with all their Cloaks and Saveguards , for fear it should Rain by the way ; and always gave him a Stick between his Legs , telling him he should ride up , for 't was a Horse ; which he often did with Confidence and Satisfaction to himself : But being one time come to the top of the Hill , and being much loaded with the aforesaid things , he began to puff and blow extreamly , saying , D' ye call this a Horse ? I am sure but for the Name of a Horse , I had as good a gone a foot all the way . 41. A Cobler was sitting in his Shop a singing merrily , his Song was this , Tamberlain was and he was ; and Tamberlain was and he was ; and continued so singing , and nothing else , many times together ; which a Gentleman that past by took notice of , and said to the Cobler , Prithee Friend , says the Gentleman , what was he ? Why , says the Cobler , as arrant a Fool as your self , for ought I know : Sirrah , says the Gentleman , you are a Rascal , came out and I 'll kick you ; No Sir , says he , 't is no matter , I thank you for your Love as much as if I had it , for I don't want kicking : Sirrah , says the Gentleman again , Come out and I 'll give you a kick : No Sir , says he , You need not trouble your self , I won't come if you 'd give me two . 42. A School-master did always dictate to his Scholars , H non est Litera , that is H is no Letter ; and on a time he call'd one of the Scholars to him , and bid him heat the Cawdle , and when he askt for it , the Scholar told him , that he had done with the Cawdle as he bid him , What 's that ? says his Master , Why Sir , says he , I did eat it : Sirrah , says he , I bid you heat it with an H : Yes Sir , says he , But I did eat it with Bread. 43. A Gentleman desired of a Covetous Neighbour of his to lend him ten pounds , he professed he had none to spare ; but the Gentleman having at that time very great occasion , told him , he had a Gelding , that he had been offered twelve pounds for , but for the present he will take ten : Well Sir , says the Miser , I will go and try a Friend ( which you may be sure was his Chest ) and fetch the Money presently : which when the Gentleman had received , and the Horse delivered , he said , Now I find that Horses have more Credit than Men , and so God-a-mercy Horse . 44. Two Fellows going with a Present to a Covetous Man , one of them said they should but lose their labour ; well , says t'other , I 'll hold you a Crown that we shall get there both Meat , Drink , and Money ; Done , says t'other : And being come thither , one of them told him . that he was very dry , then he bid them go down into the Gellar ; and when they came there , he told the Butler , that he could not drink without eating ; then the Butler went up and told his Master of it , who bid him set a cold Pasty before them ; of which they eat plentifully : And when they had filled their Bellies they both went to the Master to take their leaves of him ( also expecting some gratuity ) which when they saw not appearing , says one of them boldly , Pray Sir , what shall we say to our Master , if he should ask us what you gave us ? which put him to a stand for a while , at lost he gave them half a Crown : so the fellow won his wager . 45. A Cavalier in Oxfordshire , that was very zealous in his Loyalty for his Prince , and had suffered very much for it ; and once meeting with some of the Rumpish Officers at Oxford , says or e of them to him , God save you , Noble Squire , and you , says he , if it be possible : for he did believe that all that were against the King could not be saved . 46. Some Women were making merry together at a Gossipping at Limus , near Ratcliff , and the God-father was there among them ; but one of the Women that was an Arch Jade , said to him , Sir I have something to say to you . Well , says he , say on : Don't you know , says she , Ratcliff Market ? yes , says he , Very well : Why , says she , if you will meet me there to morrow morning with a Tu — in your Mouth , I 'll give you a pint of Sack : but , says he , I must drink it to wash my mouth , and if I do not do it , then you shall have the Sack again at second hand : Well , says she , I see that you would cast your kindness upon me , if I do accept on 't : And says he , If I do not meet you there , yet I 'll come hither and tell you that I can't come to you . 47. There were two Modest and Civil Whetstons-park Women , that were scolding most comfortably in the street together ; and amongst their vertuous Discourse ( of which there was great store ) to the great Satisfaction of all the Neighbourhood , that their Daughters might learn the better how to behave themselves : One called the other Whore : Faith , says she , and thou wouldst fain be a Whore too , but that thou are so ugly , that no body will lye with thee : What you Whore , says she , I can have one for a Groat a night and thank ye too . 48. A Gentleman was riding through a Forrest in Oxfordshire , where two supposed Cripples begg'd something of him ; then he put his Hand in his Pocket , and bid them give him a Groat , and he would give them a Six-Pence , which they did ; and when he had the Groat he rode away with it : With that one of them swore a great Oath , saying , Cut thy Girth Tom , cut thy Girth , you Rogue , and let us after him : And though he gallopt a good pace away , yet they were so nimble ( and so by consequence Cripples ) that they over took him as he was opening a Gate , and had almost laid hold on him ; that the Gentleman , for his security was forc'd to throw two or three Shillings down on the Ground , and whilst they were scrabling for that he got away : Probatum est . 49. A Gentleman and a peevish Parson were riding together ( in an extream rainy day ) in the Forrest of Sherwood in Nottingham-shire ; so that there was no House within four or five miles of the place , that they were soundly soust with the Rain ; which made the Parson fret and vex extreamly : Come chear up , says the Gentleman to him , for if it does not hold vp quickly we'll e'ne do as they do in Spain . Well , says the Parson , what 's that ? Why says t'other , e'ne let it rain on : which put the Parson in a greater chase than before . And as they gallopt along by a poor Beggerman's Hutt , which was in the middle of the Forrest , and just in the High-way , and being almost a quarter of a mile gallopt beyond it , the Old Man hearing some Horses gallop by , come out and crys , D' ye hear , d' ye hear , d' ye hear Gentlemen , which made them think , that he would tell them something to avoid Robbing , and so presently gallopt back again to the Hutt . Then says the begger to them , Pray Gentlemen bestow a penny upon a poor Old Man : which put the Parson into such a Fury , that he would have beat the Begger , and had so done but for the Gentleman ; who was so pleased with the Humour of the Old Man , and the Conceit also , and to see the Parson in such a Fume ; that he threw him six-pence : So they both rode away for Tuxford as fast as they could ; and when they came there , they had never a wet Thred dry about them : Probatum est . 50. A Fellow that had never a Nose , a roguish Beggar begg'd of him an Alms , and still as he begg'd , he prayed for his eye-sight ; he askt him what he meant by that ? He told him , that he hoped his eye-sight would never fail him ; For if it does , says he , you are in a most miserable Condition ; for there was no place to fix a pair of Spectacles on . 51. Another meeting him by chance without a Nose , askt him by way of jeer , what that was upon his Nose ? He said , a Worm . Alas poor Worm , says he , I see he is faint to go about , now the Bridge is broken down . 52. An Apothecary in Oxford spoke to a Country-man , by way of Jeer , to bring him some live Rats , and he would give him eighteen pence a piece for them ; and a fortnight after he brought them ; and then the Apothecary told him , That he was provided the day before . The Country Fellow seeing he was abused , was resolved to be quit with him , saying , I am unwilling ( seeing I have brought them ) to carry then back again ; and told him , he would take three pence out in Physick at some time or other , and so opened his Bag , and let them about the Shop , which did so whisk up and down the Shelves , that in a little space they broke him about forty Pots and Glasses , and could never be rid of them since . Probatum est . 53. A Lady in Covent-Garden that had a Daughter about four years of Age , and being below a pretty space , her mother call'd for her up , and askt her , Where she had been all that while ? she told her , That she had been to see her Brother learn to dance , and that he was taught by a Monkey ; alluding to the great deformity that was in the Dancing-master : and the same Girl told her Mother on a week-day , That she thought it was Sunday , because the Sun then did shine so bright , which had been clouded so long before : which was much in a Child of four years of Age. 54. One told him that had never a Nose , that though his Complices were fled that joyned with him in the Plot against the State , that he should be made a Sacrifice for all the rest . Nay , says he , I don't fear , for the Old Law says , that nothing must be sacrificed that had a Blemish . 55. A Gentleman was forc'd for his Loyalty to betake himself to the Sea for his security and relief , during the time of the Grand Rebellion , and was there so long , that he became an expert Seaman ; insomuch that when he came back ( which was about the time of his Majesties most happy Restaurarion . ) he was askt by a Fanatick Parson , Whether he could say his Compass or not ? Yes , says he , that I can , and I 'll lay a wager with you also , that I can say my Compass better than you can say the Lord's Prayer ; ( which he poor heart heart had discontinued for many years before ) and the Sea Captain was the Judge to determine who said best : So the Gentleman said over his Compass , and the Parson the Lord's Prayer ; but the Captain could not judge who said best : Then the Gentleman began to say his Compass backward , which he did very well ; but the Parson could not say the Lords Prayer backwards ; so that the Gentleman won the wager ; who also told him , That it was no wonder that he could not say it backwards , because for many years together he never saw him forwards to say it at all . 56. A man was condemned the last Sessions to be hang'd for a Robbery ; but before and after he was condemned , his careful , dear , and loving wife bid him take no care ; for she had took that care that he should not die ; which made the man live more dissolutely than he would have done , but for his wife's Confidence ; which Confidence she continued to him , till the night before he was to be hang'd : and then , she came to him , and told him , That all the great Promises made to her were come to nothing ; for she could not procure him a Pardon by any means whatsoever ; which put the poor man into such a Grief and Trembling , that he was scarce himself : Come Husband , says she , take Heart , for though I cannot get you a Pardon , yet I 'll tell you what I 'll do for you : I will make you an excellent Cawdle to night , which will make you sleep well , and another to morrow morning to comfort up your heart before you are hang'd : for truly I believe it troubles you as well as me , that I could not get your pardon ; therefore pass it by this once ; but if ever you come to be hang'd again , I 'll warrant you , I 'll get you your pardon . 57. A Fellow was accused before a Justice for calling a woman Whore : the Justice ask'd , why he did so ? he told him , Because he had lain with her above a hundred times . O pray Sir , says she , don't believe him : for he never lay with me but 3 times in his life , and then he promised to give me half a Crown a time ; but I will assure you , Sir , I never receiv'd one penny of him . And why did you not ask him for it ? says the Justice , Indeed Sir , says she , I did often call upon him for it , nay I call'd him Rogue too , because he would not pay me : why then , says the Justice , do you think him a Rogue ? yes truly , Sir , says she , to aggravate the matter , he is a very Rogue : Nay , says the Justice , Then 't is pity that a Rogue and a Whore should be parted , and so sent them both to Prison together ; then they both intreated him : Nay , says the Justice , confess and be hang'd ; and so sent them both away . 58. A mad hare-brain'd Country Fellow , came to a great Lady that was his Landlady , to tell her that his Wife was brought to Bed : Faith 't is true Madam , says he , How brought to Bed , says my Lady , what was she Drunk or Sick ? No , no , Madam , I mean she has a Child : O , says my Lady , now I understand you : Well then , says she , what has God sent her ? Faith , says he , nothing as I know of , I don't believe she ever heard from him in her life : Puh , says the Lady , I mean has she a Boy or a Girl ? O d' ye mean so forsooth Madam ; why guess then , says he : 'T is a Boy , says my Lady , no vaith Madam , guess again : Why a Girl , says she : Vaith Madam I think in my Conscience you are a Witch , 't is a Girl indeed . 59. A man being newly married , entred himself into a Fencing-School the very next day after , which made most of the Neighbours wonder why he did it : Some thought that he had a better Opinion of his Wife's Honesty than she deserved , and so thought it was to defend her ; but the naked Truth was , that he had matcht with her before , now he did intend only to match her , because he knew she 'd be at Daggers drawing with him , if he did but look angry . 60. A Fellow was indicted for stealing a silver Cup , and the Judge askt him what he could say for himself , that Judgment should not pass upon him ? He told him , that he meant no hurt to the man when he took it , and did only intend to pawn it for a time , and then to bring it back to him again , and pay him so much a month for the use whilst he had it ; and that it was only a foolish Custom he had got . Well says the Judge , if it be your Custom to steal , 't is also my Custom to hang up those that do steal : For the Commandment says , Thou shalt not steal : Yes , says he , Thou must not steal , but I may , and therefore why should I be hang'd for it ? And besides , Sir , says the Thief , I take it very ill from you to offer to hang me , only for having a Cup too much : No , says the Justice , 'T is not for having a Cup too much , but for having a Cup more than your own . Sir , said he , I do not own it to be mine , it is his . 61. A cleanly woman in Cambridge-shire , had made good store of Butter , and whilst she went a little way out into the Town , about some earnast occasions , a neighbour's Dog came in , in the mean time , and eat up half the Butter : Being come home , her maid told her what the Dog had done , and that she had lockt him up in the Dairy-House : So she took the dog , and hang'd him up by the heels , till she had squeez'd all the Butter out of his Throat again ; which she pretty cleanly Soul , took , and put to the rest of the Butter , and made it up for Cambridge Market ; but her Maid told her , she was asham'd to see such a nasty Trick done : Hold your peace , you Fool , says she , 't is good enough for Schollards ; away to Market with it . 62. An Englishman and a Scotch-man were both in the Hold of a Ship together , in the last Engagement at Sea ; and as they were in the heat of the Fight , says the English-man to him , Com let 's go up , and partake with our Brethren in the Fight , and not stand here like Drones , and do nothing . Be God , says he , wi aw my heart : And as the English-man led the way , when he was half way up , a great Bullet came in , and cut him just in two in the middle . Udsbread , says the Scotch - man , What the deel dost gang up to fight , and leave thy Arse behind thee ? 63. A French-man was scoffing at the English-mens humours , because they did so admire their Nation . Faith friends , says the English - man , you are mistaken ; for we in England do esteem you , as you in France do our Hounds , for pleasure . 64. At a general hurling in Cornwal , which is still observed twice a year , where also is great wrestling and Cudgel-playing , a Minister happening to be among the multitude there ; for reproving a Fellow for swearing so much , had his head broke very deep by a stone that the Fellow flung at him ; which some that stood by seeing , said , Come Sir , we 'll go along with you to a Justice . No , says the Minister , truly , I think there is more need to go with me to a Surgeon . 65. A great Divine being extreamly sick , a Physician was sent to him , and when he came , he askt him the cause of his Distemper ? And finding the Physician to falter much in his discourse , he told him plainly , he 'd take none of his Physick : For , says he , if he be not able to shew me the Cause , I am sure he is less able to take it away ; And so had him turn'd out . 66. A Gentleman was saying , that this is a strange Age we live in ; because most Maids now a days do much resemble their great Grand mother , Goody Eve : for she was no sooner a woman , but she was married ; and as she knew not her Husband till she had eaten Fruit ; so most Maids now , have commonly Fruit before they know their Husbands . 67. A woman in the Countrey having lost abundance of Linnen off her hedge ; but could not imagine who was the Thief , so she went to a sober Gentleman , whom she took to be an Astrologer , to desire him to help her to her Linnen again : Then he took her up into his Chamber , and bid her lie down upon the Bed , and when he knew her as well as her husband , he told her , he would tell her more . What , says she , d' ye intend to make me a Whore ? Why yes , says he , why should not I make you a whore , as well as you make me a witch ? 68. Hugh Peters in former times coming into a Cathedral , where they were singing the Litany ; I wonder , says a man , why they would let any such Fellows come there : But however , he thought they sung very ill ; and whereas they sung , Have mercy upon us miserable Sinners ; he said they had more need to say , Have mercy upon us miserable Singers : Probatum est . 69. A Rumpish Gallant that had been a little too forward ( in those Days ) in buying of the Kings Lands , for which he did repent heartily , but not till it was too late ; and this same very Person , had a little before made a Book called A World in the Moon ; and after the Kings most happy Restauration , he had a great desire it seems to speak with his Majesty ; and among other discourse , says the King to him ; Sir , I hear that you have found out a new World in the Moon , and I being a Soveraign Prince ( as you see I am now , though you did not think me so formerly ) sure I must needs havs some Lands there , and if you please I will sell them to you ; and what will you give me for them ? O Sir , says he , I beg your Majesties pardon , for I find it is dangerous to purchase any Kings Lands . 70. Some Jovial Companions being in a Room a drinking together , one would have had another to have pledg'd him that Cup , he vow'd he would not ; nay more than that , he said , he resolved to leave off drinking , because it made him have a short memory ; which made the other laugh at him for it , swearing that he 'd drink on still , because it made him have a long memory ; for since I have learnt to drink hard , I am a year in remembring that , which before I could call to mind presently ; and so have a long memory . 71. A Clown in Flanders had a very pretty Woman to his Wife , and both came to an Inn six miles from Gaunt that night , and a lusty Spanish Souldier happened to lie there that night also , and when they were both in Bed , he seeing she was handsome , made up the number three in the Bed , without saying by your leave ; and the Woman it seems lay in the middle ; and the Clown hearing the Souldier , as he thought something to bold with his Wife , durst not speak at first ; at last he took a Courage ( for you must know he was wonderfully valiant ) and bid her desire the Spaniard to lie still , and she being a very discreet and good natur'd Woman , and to avoid any further quarrelling : Said , Sweet Husband , you know I can't speak Spanish , but let me intreat you to rise and go to the Sexton , for he speaks Spanish very well : So the good man followed his dear Wifes advice , and rose and went to him ; and what was done then is quite out of my head now , yet I knew the Woman must needs be vertuous , and I think you 'l swear discreet ; but before he came back the Spaniard was gone , which when he perceiv'd he began to domineer : swearing if he had him here how he would Cudgel the Rogue , for troubling of them so that night : In truth Husband , says she , ( very discreetly ) I am heartily glad you did not come while he was here , for in your anger I am sure you 'd a kill'd him ; and I know you are very desperate : But prethee sweet heart , says he , how long did he stay when I was gone ; Truly Husband , says she , you were scarce out of the door but he ran away : Well , says he , I can't chuse but laugh to see how I have scared him ; you see what comes of policy and discretion now ; for if I had been hasty , the Rogue might have killed me for ought I know , and then what would'st thou have done for such a good Husband again , my dear ? Truly Husband , says he , 't was best as it is , and I am very well pleas'd with what was done . 72. A Gallant wooing his Mistress in Marriage , she told him she 'd have none of him if he did not leave off taking Tobacco , and he was Bound to under Hand and Seal , that he should never take any again ; and on the Wedding Night he lay still and stirr'd not ; she askt him the reason of it , he told her that she had bound him from Tobacco , which did usually make him active in all things , and without that was always like a Stone Statue . Then she immediately knockt for the Maid and bid her bring in the Bond , and withal some good Tobacco , and the Bond flung in the Fire ; and after he had taken a Pipe then he gave her a kiss ; then she call'd the Wench again saying , Hussey , I charge you to bring in a dozen more , and that with all speed ; which being done , she left them to their repose . 73. Appelles , the most Famous Painter , in the time of Alexander the Great , had drawn the Picture of the said Alexander on Horseback at Ephesus ; but when Alexander had seen it , it seems he did not give it that Praise which it did deserve : Upon which a Horse was immediately brought in , who as soon as he had seen the Painted Horse , began to neigh , as thinking it to be a true : it was so exquisitely done ; then Appelles told the King , that that Horse did understand Painting much better than him . 74. Oliver Cromwel , when he was Protector , had a mind on a time to salace himself with some Mirth , for then there was a Cavalier Doctor that came to him at that time about his Benefice which had been wrongfully took from him ; and Oliver knowing him to be Ingenious , was resolved to have some discourse with him ; and after much talk , Oliver told him of a strange thing that happened lately : O , says the Doctor , I can tell you of a stranger thing then that , and for a Bottle of Wine you shall know it : Well , after a Bottle or two drinking , says Oliver , Come now , Doctor , your strange Story : Why says he , is not this a stranger thing then that , for who would have thought twenty years ago , that we should have had such a Copper-nosed King ; and such a fat A — Queen . 75. A Gentleman that was riding by a River-side , askt a Country Fellow , Whether that River might be past over or no ? Yes , says he . Then the Gentleman went to try , and of a sudden plung'd himself over Head and Ears , and at last with much ado got out again : when he was out , says he , You Rogue , did you not tell me that I might pass over : Truly Sir , says he , I would not have you angry for I meant no hurt ; for I thought you might go over safely , when I saw my Brother Masons Dog that is less then your Horse , go over and back again without any danger ; and you and your Horse are ten times as big again as my Brothers Dog ; for a little one is sooner drowned than a great one , Sir. 76. A Noble Man in this Kingdom desired a Gentleman ( that was a merry Wag ) to accompany him down in the Country this last Summer , wherein they had several merry Discourses , and among the rest , the Lord desired him to ask what it was a Clock ; so he askt a Shepherd that was on one side of the Coach , what it was a Clock ? and he said Four , then he askt another on t'other side of the Coach , and he said Five ; then the Lord askt what it was a Clock ? and he told him Nine : How so ? says he ; Why my Lord , says he , he on this side the Coach told me 't was Four , and the other Five , and is not that Nine : then the Lord bid him look on his Watch ; which it seems was half an hour to slow ; and my Lords went too fast ; yet he told him , That his went the rightest : No my Lord , says he , mine must needs be truest , for you know the Proverb is , slow and sure . 77. A Young Country Fellow went a Wooing to a Country Lass , and he had on then a spick and span new Suit with Silver Buttons also ; and in all his Discourse with her he used all the Art he could to have her take notice of his Buttons ; at last when he saw that she would take no notice of them at all : Well , says he , these Silver Buttons keep me so warm : Yes , says she , you had best lie in them all night , lest you should take cold this frosty weather . 78. A Rich Usurer in Oxford , that had one Summer bought the Crop of Grass which then was standing in a large Meadow near Maudlin Bridge , but it seems it happened that Summer that there fell great store of Rain ; which was succeeded with a great Flood , which came after the Grass was cut , and half made into Hay ; which was almost all carried into the adjacent Rivers , and that which was left all destroyed ; he then comes very pensively to Maudlin Bridge , and leans upon the wall , saying , What Grass no by the Mass ; What Hay no by my Fay ; What Fodder ne'r Nodder ; What Muck the worst Luck . 79. A reverend old Woman that had lived 70 odd , or thereabouts , and being something unsatisfied in her Religion , went to the Minister of the Town , who was a Presbyter , and having askt her many Questions , at last askt her how many Commandments there were ? Truly Sir , says she , an 't please your worship , I don't know : for I never minded any of 'em all . Then he called down his Maid Ann , and bid her name them all to her , and she named nine of them : What , says he , is there but nine ? No , Sir says she , for you and I broke one last night . Nay , says the old woman , if they be so easie to be broke , I am glad I had nothing at all to to do with them . 80. Some Gentlemen that were riding a hunting in a gloomy day , and coming to a Shepherd that sate there under a Bush , they askt him what weather it would be to day ? he said , That weather which pleaseth me . They askt him what he meant by that ? Truly , says he , it shall be what weather it pleaseth God , and what weather pleaseth God that weather pleaseth me . 81. A Gentleman that was a great Courtier of Ladies , and lov'd Hawking very much , was riding through Burford in Oxford-shire , and seeing a Fellow going home with a Sheeps head ; says the Gentleman , 'T is such Rogues as this as makes our Dogs Meat so dear . And you , says the Fellow , 't is that makes Whores so dear ; for formerly a man might have had one for a Groat , but you have so rais'd the price , that we can't get 'em now at any ordinary rate . 82. An Impudent and Brazen-fac't Fellow would almost every day intrude and invite himself to a Person of Qualities House still about Dinner and Supper time ; and once at his coming in , the Gentleman bid 'em stay Dinner a while ; then he askt one of the Servants what time Dinner would come up ? Faith , says the Fellow , I 'll assure you , Sir , not before you are gone . 83. A Quaker met with one of his Holy Sisters and askt her how all far'd at home ? Truly says she , we all fare well , but my Daughter Rebekah , for she is faln ; what , from the Truth ? No : faln in Love ? No , for a Zealous Brother did fall in Love with her , and she since is faln asunder ; and as we in our Country say , faln in twain : O Sister , Sister , says he , when Zealous Kittens meet , they will play together ; for 't is natural to 'em so to do . 84. A Gentleman of a great estate , who it seems hated Tobacco , and hearing his eldest Son did take it , though not in his presence ; he told him , if he knew that he did take Tobacco , that he would disinherit him : Truly Father , says he , they that told you so were mistaken ; for before that I will take any Tobacco , I 'll see it all a fire : Say'st thou so my Boy , says he , I 'll give thee 500 l. a year the more for that . 85. A Man that liv'd at a Market Town , intending to go further into the Countrey , but having forgot something , came at night back again , and on the Bed found a pair of Breeches ; and looking further , found a Man a-bed with his Wife : Are these your Breeches ? says he , Yes , says the Man , I profess , says he , if ever I find you a-bed with my Wife again , I 'll throw your Breeches out o' the Window . 86. A Gentleman was drolling with a Woman , and told her he was resolved to lie with her that night , but she told him she had her Husbands Company , then says he , I must confess , though I love your Husbands company well , yet then I had rather have his room than his company : And truly , says she , I had rather have his room empty at any time , than to have your company . 87. A Person of Quality in this Kingdom , was one night at Supper at Pickadilly-house which was then an Ordinary and great Gaming-House , where he had bowled all day ; and after Supper he call'd for some Cheese , which it seems was very thin and lean ; then he ask't the Master of the House where those Cows went , of whose Milk that Cheese was made ? He told them they graz'd not far off ; then he swore a great Oath that he was confident that they never fed in any other place then his Bowling Alley , which was made good by the fatness of the Cheese they now tasted of : for it cries Rub , rub , in the eating of it , when 't is so long a going down . 88. Another person of Quality also , in this Kingdom , amongst other Gentlemen , did often meet at a Bowling-Ally , which stood next to the Church-yard ; and the Parson of that Church had this Benefit , That if any did swear there , he was to have 12 d. for every Oath : This Person aforesaid , happened to swear a great Goliah Oath , upon which the Parson demanded 12 d. which he gave him ; and after that swore many others , for which he paid 12 d. a piece ; and then swearing another , he demanded 12 d. as before ; then he pluckt out of his pocket a 20 Shilling piece , and bid him give him 19 s. again : Sir , says he , I cannot : Why then , says he , take it , for I intend to swear it out . 89. Queen Elizabeth was very much importuned by a Gentleman that was one of her Servants , for an Imployment that then was fallen : Why , says the Queen , you are not fit for it ; An 't please your Majesty , says he , I can get one to officiate it for me : I thank you indeed , says the Queen , for that , for so I may put in one of my Maids , and they can do it as well . 90. A Weaver at Bourdeaux in France , dreamt one night that he was a Cuckold , so he went to the Priest to desire him to take his Wives Confession , especially in that point : Well , says the Priest to him ; I 'll lend thee my Gown and Hood , and you shall shrive her your self : And it seems this very Priest had been very familiar with her ; and while he was waiting for his Wives coming , he went and told her of the passage , and that 't was her Husband in his Habit , that was to shrive her ; so she comes to him , and after many impertinent questions which he ask't her , she told him she had lain only with three men , which was a Young-man , an Old-man , and a Frier : So he came home , as he thought undiscovered ; and as he was at work , he often repeated the Young-man , the Old-man , and the Frier : Faith Husband , says she , I believe the Priest has told you what I confess'd to day , and I did indeed so confess it ; and yet Husband these three were but one : for I lay with you when you were a Young-man , and don 't I lie with you now you are Old ? And were not you the Frier to day ? Therefor all these three were you my dear Husband And is it so , my dear Wife ? Now thou hast given me so great satisfaction , that I shall never have an ill opinion of thee again : Come kiss me . Then he with Tears in his Eyes kissed her , and askt her pardon for his former mistrust of her ; and the Frier was as welcome to them , and who but the Frier , when they had any Feast : Thus you see what 't is for Men to mistrust their Wives when there is no cause , as you see it was in this Vertuous Woman . 91. A great German Prince , that was much addicted to Drinking , had drank so much one day , that the next he was very sick ; then his Fool came in to him and askt him , why he was so melancholly ? he told him his Sickness was occasion'd by drinking yesterday : Why then , says the Fool , if that be all , I 'll be your Physician ; that is , if you are ill with drinking one day , the next day take a Hare of the same Dog. Well , says the Prince , and what the second day ? The Fool told him the same again : And what the third day ? the same too . And what at the fourth ? Why the same . We 'll come to the purpose , says he , and what the fifth day ? Why Faith , says he , then you 'll be as arrant a Fool as I am . 92. A Gallant it seems upon a time cast his ●ye upon precise Mistress Temperance , a Feather-makers Wife , and after a little conference , swore he would lie with her : What , says she , cannot you glance upon a Modest Woman as I am , but you must covet ; indeed Brother I must chide you for it : Well , says she , but that I am tender of Oaths ; and would be loath to have you break yours , for the Oaths sake I am willing to consent to you at present ; but otherwise I profess I would not do it , if you 'd give me a thousand pound . 93. A Gallant once meeting in Covent-Gaerden with a handsome , and it seems , smart Lass , with her naked Breasts appearing very largely : Says he , I pray Mistriss is that Flesh to be sold ? No , says she , no Money shall buy it : Well , says he , then let me advise you if you will not sell , you should shut up your shop : Faith , says she , you may be confident I shall shut you out for ever entring into any of my doors : Then , says he , you have doors , but if you have , they must needs be wicked doors . 94. A Fellow at a Coffee-house swore that he saw a very strange thing done in Suffolk lately , they askt him what it was ? Then he told them a Masty Dog ran at a Gentleman , and he not knowing how to avoid him , first thrust his hand into his Mouth , and after that quite thorow , and catched hold of his Tail ; and being very strong , by main force turned him the wrong side outwards : All which he confirmed with a lusty Oath , and that he saw it done himself . 95. A Man having a very Vertuous and good Huswifely Woman to his Wife ( as you will find by the story ) it seems he lost her for three or four days , and having searcht all about for her , at last she came home of her own accord , and told him that she 'd tell him very good News , if he would not be angry wi●s her , and indeed you have no cause if you knew all ; for you know that we have a great deal of Money to pay for Rent and other things : But Husband , says she , I have got Money enough to pay every Body . How he took it I can't tell , but certainly she was a good woman , and loving to her Husband . 96. Another Fanatick did advise his neighbour to leave off all wickedness whatsoever especially that of the Flesh , and live altogether by the Spirit ; for we Holy men all do so : Yes , says his neighbour , I do believe you , for sure 't was some Spirit that moved you to get your Maid with Child . 97. A Lusty Young Man was earnest with his Father to be married , and after much importunity he was married to a Neighbours Daughter ; he had not been Married six Months , but he look'd so bad , and was so ill and so feeble , that he could scarce stand upon his Legs ; alittle after he spi'd a Butcher running over a plowed Field after a mad Bull , then he askt him , why he did so ? he told him to tame him : O , says he , let him be married , let him be married , if that don't tame him I 'll be hanged . 98. A Woman in twenty weeks after marriage , was brought to bed of a Boy ; How now Wife , says he , methinks this is a little too soon : No Husband , says she , you mistake , for we married only a little too late : Faith and I think so too , says he ; and if ever we happen to marry again , we 'll be sure to marry a little sooner , or not to marry at all , for this trick . But Husband , says she , you don't know the Custom , yet of the Womens going with Child ; for we go twenty weeks by day , and twenty weeks by night . O then , says he , c ham zatisfied . 99. A Rich Simpleton was to Court a pretty Maid , and when he was come to her , his man would still be to help him out , ( but I think he need not do that , for he was out enough himself ) then she askt his Man what estate he had ? He said a 1000 l. a year : Puh , says he , my Man 's a Fool ; I , and a thousand , and a thousand to that too : Then she askt him how long his Master went to School ? He said near a twelve month : He lies , says he , I was not there half so long ; for my Master did nothing but whip me ; so he did : Then she askt his Man how old his Master was ? He told her above five and twenty : Puh , says he , I am five and twenty , and five and twenty , and five and twenty too : I think my man is the arrantest Fool in the World : You speak for me , I hope I have so much wit as to speak for my self ; and I hope Mistress forsooth you 'll love me now , now you have heard all my good qualities : Yes , says she , I am willing to have you , so you 'll promise me never to be my Husband : Yes , forsooth , says he , I 'll do any thing to please you , so you 'll have me . 100. A Gentleman that came home one night drunk in the Winter time , was had to Bed ; and his Wife staying up long after , when she was going to bed , she bid her Maid warm her side of the Bed with the Pan ; and as she was doing of it , by chance burnt her Master's Thigh , which he felt not then , sleeping soundly : And about three days after , a Gentleman meeting of him in Oxford , askt him how he came so lame ? Nothing , says he , but only burnt by a Whore. 101. One since the King's Restauration meeting with one of Oliver's Relations in the Park thought to put a Trick upon her , saying , Madam , your Father stinks now . Pray Sir , let me ask you a Question , that is , whether he be living or dead ? He then told her he was dead . By my troth , Sir , says she , I thought so ; for if he had been living , he would have made you stink too . 102. A great Lady that lived in a Market-town in the North , was pleased to give a Fool that was kept at the Town charge his Diet every day , and one day coming about eleven of the Clock , two of my Ladies Gentlemen were playing at Tables in the Hall , and they a one side o' the Table , and the Jackanapes a t'other , looking on them as they play'd , and as soon as it knockt to the Dresser , the Gentlemen left their Game to carry up Dinner ; then the Ape took up the Dice in his hand , and flung them as they did , and turn'd the Men about also . Says the Fool to the Ape , Come , faith I 'll play with thee for a Pot and a Pipe , and went to take the Dice out of his hand ; then the Ape grinn'd and chatter'd at him , and still kept the Dice in his hand , and would not throw . Then says the Fool , Throw , if thou be'st a man , throw ; and offered to take the dice away from him ; which so incens'd the Ape , that he flew upon him , and had certainly kill'd him , had not some of the Gentlemen , that privately lookt on , came to his rescue : And from that time to this , the Fool could never be got to come to the House . And when he was to pass by the House , he would still go a t'otherside of the Street , looking fearfully a one side , fearing the Ape should see him , which it seems he did out of the Window ; and had he not been chain'd , had certainly leapt down , and fell upon him , which the Fool seeing , ran away crying as fast as he could , and left his Cap behind him for hast ; and could never be got to come through that Street again . 103. The French Embassador being at dinner with King James , the King in mirth drank a Health to him , saying , The King of France drinks a Health to the French King. Upon which the French Embassador suddenly replied , The King , my Master , is a good Lieutenant ; for he holds France well for you . No , says the King , he holds it from me . Truly , Sir says the Embassador , it is no further from you than it was . 104. Count Gundamore being invited to the Reader 's Feast at Grays Inn , just at the time of the Palsgrave ( who was elected a little before King of Bohemia ) was come to Prague ; and among other Healths , one was begun to the King of Bohemia ; he pledg'd it merrily , and thankt the Reader , and all the rest of the Company , For 't was the first time that ever he pledg'd the Emperor's Health in England . 105. Just at Gundamore's going for Spain , King James sent to the Lord Mayor , to envite him to dinner before he went ; and being at dinner , several Healths went about , and began by the Lord Mayor ; then Gundamore began a Health to the King of Spain's Mistress , and after that another to his Wife : By his Mistress , he meant the East-Indies , wherein he did give the English leave to be dabling in their Traffick ; but by his wife , he meant the West-Indies , which he is resolved solely to keep to himself . Therefore I pray my Lord Mayor , and you the rest of these Noble Aldermen , do not offer to meddle with the King , my Master's Wife . 106. The Florentines once sent an Apothecary for their Embassador to Alphonso , King of Naples ; and having acquitted himself elegantly , and with much generosity at his first Audience , the King said , If the Apothecaries of Florence are such , what shall we think of their Physicians ? For the Pills of this Speech wrought stronger with me than e'er his other Pills did to any of his Patients ; alluding to the Family of de Medicis that were then Governours there . , 107. A Woman that had a good handsome young Daughter , sent her to her Landlord at New-years-tide , with a New-years-gift , and he being a lusty Batchelor , and lov'd a pretty Lady besides , and seeing the Maid to be handsome , with some Importunity , and some Gratuity , got her Consent , that she proved with Child , for whose Maintenance and Mothers too he paid : And then hearing of a lusty young woman and rich , that liv'd hard by him , be became a Suitor to her in Marriage ; to which she easily condescended : And on that day that they were to be married , the other that he had got with Child before , came to the Church also to see the Wedding , which her Child in her Arms ; and all the while they were in the Church , that woman would dandle her Child up and down in her Arms ; and sometimes look upon her Landlord , and sometimes on her Child , with a smiling Countenance ; which that woman that was that day to be married to him observing , told him plainly , that she would not be married till he gave her satisfaction concerning that Woman and her Child : He put her off still with excuses ; but at last he told her he would tell her the truth , if she would not take it ill . No , says she , I will not , let it be what it will. Why then , says he , I got her with Child , and what is the Child in her Arms. Puh , says she , is that all ? I had one a twelve month ago by Londoner that lodg'd at our house . Say you so , says he , then I faith I 'll marry a Whore of my own making rather than of another man's , and so call'd the Woman to him that had the Child in her Arms , and married her presently . 108. A little Girl about twelve years old , took her Sister , which was about two years old upon her Back a pick-pack , and runing about the room with it , said , who 'll buy my Pack ? who 'll buy my Pack ? At last her Father seeing no body else would take notice of her call'd to her and said , Come I 'll buy your Pack . With that she took the Child off her Shoulders , and gave it to her Father , saying , Here , take it , 't is a Pig of your own Sow . Probatum est . 109. A man met near Billings-gate a Hartfordshire Man and his Wife , that he had not seen a long time ; and told him , he 'd give his Wife some Oysters . Hang her , says he , she never eat any Oysters in her life ; for she eat but three t'other day , and she was as sick as the driven Snow . What , with eating of three ? No , says he , but with eating of Oysters . Why , you said first she eat none . Yes , says he , none but three . 110. A School-Boy in Oxford was surpriz'd in the Street , by having a great Occasion to untruss a Point ; and the Fashion in those days was , that they tied their Breeches with Points , and the poor Boys , one was so tied , that he could not undo it , though he were in a great deal of haste ; and at last finding he could not untie it , was forced for hast sake to put off Doublet and all in the corner of a Street , and for haste sake , as beforesaid , never took notice how his Doublet fell ; so that he discharged his Gun just in his sleeve of his Doublet , and did not know it neither ; and fearing any should come by , he hastened away , and put on his Doublet again : and when he had thrust in his Arm , he thrust with his fist all the powder that came out of his Gun ; and finding himself in this sweet powder pickle , instead of going to School , he was forced to go home to mundifie himself , which when it came to be known , there was an Adjective added to his Surname for a long time after ; that had an Sh. at the beginning . Probatum est . 111. A rich Knight in the Country , that was covetous withal , had a Daughter whose Name was Grace , that was very handsome , and indeed of good humor , witty , and well bred , which a young man had a kindness for ; but having no Fortune , durst not presume further than joking ; and having heard the Knight say that he would make his Daughter worth 2000 l. he in a frolick comes to him , and knowing him to be very covetous , told him that he knew how to save him 500 l , in a business ; and this young man was a Lawyers Clerk , and therefore he thought he might discover something about the Law wherein he might stand him in some stead , and so bid him very welcome , and invited him to dinner : And after dinner bid his Wife give him some Sweet-meats , and the wet went into his mouth , but the dry made a sally into his Pocket ; and after having fill'd both belly , pocket , and mind , with good meat , sweet-meats , and good welcome , the Knight told his Wife what a good Friend he was to him , and how he knew that he could save him 500 l. in a business , which made his Wife the more earnest to know it ; and being all three sate down in the Couch together , and Mrs. Grace in another Chair by , the Knight ask'd him wherein he could do him that courtesie as he spoke of ? Why thus I can do it Sir , says he , I am certainly informed that you will give in marriage with your Daughter Grace 2000 l. and I am willing to take her with 1500 l. The Knight hearing what he said , began to curse and swear ; then the Gentleman thankt him for his Sweet-meats ; no says he , thank my Wife for them : But after that , for the conceits sake , Mrs. Grace had a great kindness for him : For fear of which they instantly clapt up a match for her , but 't is confidently said that the Lawyers Clerk ( who indeed was a Gentleman ) made her frequent Visits , and with allowance of the Female , but whether of the new married Male , I know not . Probatum est . 112. A Lady in this Kingdom hearing that a Lady , that was a Person of Quality , did much long for Oysters , she then sent a Foot-man of hers , that was an Irish-Man , to the said Lady with a Barrel of Oysters , and as he was going , he met an Arch Wag by the way , who askt him whither he was going ? Then he told him : O Donniel , says he , you must gut them before you go , or else they will Poyson the Lady ; I Predde , says he , show me how to do it ? So the Fellow took them and opened them , and took out all the Oysters and put them into a Wooden Dish that was by , and then put all the Shells again into the Barrel : Now , says he , you may carry them , for they are all Gutted : E Fait , said Donniel , for this Kindness I 'll give thee a pint of Wine out of the Vails that I shall have of my Lady : but I know not how they were accepted . 113. A Blind Man inviting another Blind Man to Supper : Methinks , says the Blind Host , this Candle burns dim : So methinks too , says the Blind Guest : Wife , says he , mend this light with a Pox t' ye , that we may see the better to chuse our meat . Then she being a very obedient and obliging Woman , put the Candle quite out , and presently clapt down two empty Candlesticks upon the Table , because she knew her Husbands feeling was good still : Now Husband , says she , how d' ye like it ? I marry , says he , now 't is light indeed , Come Neighbour fall to and welcome : And after Supper he bid his Wife light the Guest out-a-doors : Myself you mean , says she , No , I mean him ; Why says she , he 's blind Why then you whore , has he not the more need of light ? 114. Though age and youth can never agree yet once I knew two young and two old folks agree like Lambs together for divers years : and thus it was , An old Woman lov'd a young Man and married him ; and likewise an old Man loved a young Woman and he maried her and they were both coupled made of his Estate now his Father was dead ? He told him that he made more in one year than his Father did in twenty , for he made but Five hundred pound a year of it , but I made Ten thousand pound of it in one years time : O , says he , then I find that you were so good a Husband , that you sold it a year after your Fathers death ; and I question now whether you will make any thing of it at all before the twenty years be at an end . 118. Two Widdows that were devillish Scolds and very litigious , had spent great store of Money in Law , about a frivolous thing : a friend comes to one of them , and told her , that her Enemy had removed her Suit into the Chancery : Well , says that Virago , let her remove it to Hell , I am sure I shall have a Lawyer to follow it ; for I am sure some of 'em has followed me to Hell for a Dinner . 119. A Man once askt a sottish Fellow where he lay ? He told him he lay at the Three Cups in Breadstreet : Faith , says he , thou might'st well have left out Bread-street , for whether thou do'st Sup or Dine , e're thou goest to bed , thou 't be in thy Cups . 120. Some Gentlemen were the last Christmas at a Friends House making merry together , and four of the Company being at Cards together at a Table , where one was as it were lockt in , and could not get out , without disturbing the rest of the company : and being an arch Wag , he desired the Mistress of the House to let her Maid do him but a small Courtesie ; she told him yes , with all her hear : so he wink'd upon the company not to laugh , nor take any notice of his Conceit at all , but follow their game : then he spoke to the Girl ( which was not above 14 years of age , and newly come out of the Country , and a very innocent poor Soul ) and intreated her that she would but do him so much kindness ( in regard he could not come forth himself ) as to go into the yard and make water for him ; with that the Girl began to blush , but her Mistress ( to keep up the humour kept her countenance also ) and said to the Girl , Hussey , if you can , go and do it the Gentleman ; for you see he can't well come out himself : Truly forsooth , says she , I can't indeed , for I made my water but just now in our back Kitchin. Which set them all a laughing , and the poor Girl a crying ; but the Gentleman gave her six pence to pacifie her : Probatum est . 121. A Humorous Country Knight gave his Man that waited on him this Charge , that he should never say any thing to him but what he askt him ; a little after he invited two Gentlemen to his Childs Christening , his Man accordingly went to 'em , and acquainted them with it ; they bid him thank his Master , but to let him know they were prae-engaged and could not come that day ; and the Knight stay'd an hour later then ordinary for their coming , but seeing they came not , he askt his Man if he had spoke to ' em ? Yes , says he , but they said they could not come : You Rogue , says he , why did not you tell me so before ? Why truly Sir , says he , because you did not ask me . 122. A Parson in a Parish was thought to be more familiar than ordinary with a Woman who had Ten Children , and she told her Husband that Nine were his and no more . Well , says he , I never denied the Clergy their due , and will not begin now to break that Custom ; for I 'll keep the Nine and give the Tenth for his Tithe , as being rightly due to him . 123. A man was saying , That such a man had an ill opinion of him . O Sir , says another , there 's your mistake ; for I 'll assure you he stands well in his own conceit . By my troth , says a third , so he had need ; for he stands so in no body's else but his own . 124. Says a Fellow , that had lost one of his Ears at Newcastle , for no goodness 't is thought ; when one told him a Story , 'T is in at one oar , and out at t'other . By my troth , says the other , then there 's a great deal of wonder in the travel of these Tales , for thy two Ears be two hundred miles asunder . 125. Says a mad Fellow , T is credibly reported that the Devils dead , I wonder who shall inherit his Land ? O , says a man ( that it seems had a very good woman to his — Wife ) that shall my Wife ; for I am sure she is the nearest a kinn . The Devil she is , says t'other . 126. Two Scholars in the University , the one a great Eater , and the other a small , says he that eat least , This small diet will make us good Scholars . T is true , says t'other , and this thin Dinner will make me study indeed that is , to make me study to get more meat , when this is gone . 127. A Widdow in Norwich did desire a Gossipping Neighbour of hers to get her a Husband , not for any carnal desire she had , but only to look to her Estate ; which I find too great and troublese me to look after my self ; and about three days after the Woman came and acquainted her that she had provided her a very good husband , that was rich , discreet , and very industrious , but only wants you know what ; which I am sure you regard not as you told me before . Why truly , says she , these are all very good qualities , yet I would not have him to lack any thing , that if we chance to fall out may make us friends agen . By which you may understand that her Gossip lost her three days labour . 128. A Man chiding his Wife , told her , That she could call nothing hers , but her Ring , Fillet , and Hair-lace , nay her very Breech was none of hers ; Which the good and harmless Woman understanding , one night let som'thing drop into the Bed , which having found out by the smell , askt her what was the Cause of her so doing ? She told him , That whilest she thought her Breech hers , she had a command over it ; but being his , she could not rule another Bodies body ; Tar-box for that , dear Husband . 129. A little Boy being a cutting some Bread and Butter , says his Brother to him , Why did you not cut me some , when you were a cutting some for your self , you Bastard you ? What , says he , d' ye call my Mother Whore , you Son of a Bitch . If I am the Son of a Bitch then you are a Whelp ; And so are you , you Puppy , says t'other . 130. A Scholar coming home from Cambridge to his Father , his Father askt him what he had learnt ? Why Father , says he , I 'll prove that this Capon is better than the blessing of God. How Zon , says he , come let 's hear it ; Why thus , Father , says he , nothing you know is better than the blessing of God , and this Leg of the Capon is better than nothing ; Ergo ▪ Tarbox , thou meanest , says his Father . And well , and what else canst thou do ? Why , says he , I 'll prove these two Chickens to be three ; thus , here 's one : Well , says his Father , and here 's another , that 's two : Well , says he , and is not one and two three ? Well , says his Father , you have spoke very well , here Wife , do thee take one , and I 'll take t'other ; and and our Zon shall have the third , cause he found it out . 131. A humorous and rich Ignoramus , did pretend much to speak conceited words , and his usual word was , I think so too ; So he askt a poor Gentleman one day ( that us'd to visit for a Dinners sake ) how old he was ? He told him as old as his little finger ; and after he had paused a little while , In troth says he , I think so too ; for I must study long before I can find out your conceits . Then the Gentleman told him , that such a Lord had done for him more than he deserved ; then says t'other I think so too . And another told me that I was a wise man ; but says he , I know to the contrary ; for I am a fool : I think so too , says the Humourist . And another told me I was an Intruding Knave ; says t'other , I think so too . Well , says he , I see you are good natur'd , for whatsoever I think you think so too . That makes you visit me so often , for the love I bear to you , for I love your company better than — Than what ? Than my meat . O , says he , you have given me many wipes to day . Why yes says he , I hope you allow me as great a priviledge as you do my Napkins : For you see that they wipe you often . 132. After some Thieves had robb'd a Gentleman of a great deal of Money , a Watch and Ring , and good Cloths , that were in the Portmantua : Sir , says his Man ( which was very ingenious ) nust I give them the hundred pound in Gold which is quelted in my Breeches too ? Yes , says his Master , by all means , for they are very civil persons , and have eas'd me and my horses of a great deal of luggage and trouble . This is to let us see what happiness it is to have so good and discreet a Servant as his Man was . 133. A Fellow in the County of Kent was so very poor , that he could not get Victuals to put into his Head ; he began to despair , and took a Rope and went to hang himself ; and as he was going to a Tree to do the Execution , he spied where some great Treasure was hid ; which he immediately took away , and left the Halter in the place ; and a little after the Owner of the Treasure came to take a view of it , as was his daily custom , and finding it to be gone , for very grief he takes the Halter and Hangs himself ; but I think he deserves to be Hang'd agen , because he Hang'd himself contrary to Law. 134. A great and discreet Lady was one day disputing with a Physician , and askt him why he did always prescribe either Asses or Goats Milk for one in a Consumption ? For , says she , truly I think that the Milk of a Cow should be far better ; as having better flesh & better feeding , and always breeds better blood and humors . No Madam , says the Physitian , I do not approve of your opinion by any means , unless the Patient be a Calf . 135. A good sufficient man that liv'd in the Suburbs of London , amongst other things of his Estate , had a good large Field before , and then had newly purchased two Fields more ; which made a Gentleman say that he had purchased More-Fields . 136. One meeting a mad Fellow that was drunk , askt him whither he was going ? says he , I am going to the Tavern : No , says t'other , that you are not ; for Drunkenness is the way to Hell , and thither you are going . Puh , says the Drunkard , you are therein much mistaken ; and I ne'r fear that , for I am so drunk , that my Legs are not able to carry me so far ; and what need I go thither agen , for I came from the Devil ( Tavern ) but now . 137. A man was telling very soberly to an Arch wag , that such a Venison Pasty was an excellent good one , and that he was very sorry it was eaten ; and could find in his heart to write an Epitaph upon it : then he told him that he must write his Epitaph in the House of Office , for there 't was buried . 138. A fair young Lady being upon occasion at the Assizes in Oxford ; and seeing the Sheriff , who was a very fair young Gallant , to wait upon the Judge , that was an old man , to and fro , as there was occasion ; her friend askt her , if she was put to her choice , which she had most mind to marry ; the Judge or the Sheriff ? She told him the Sheriff . Why so ? says he . Why truly , says she , I do confess I love Judgment well , but I love Excution much better . 139. In former times , when first they wore high-crown'd Hatts , every one began to spend their Verdicts on it ; One said they were like Pyramids , a second like Sugar-loaves ; but a third told them plainly they were like Close-stool-pans ; and if the old Philosophers were alive , they 'd wonder to see men put their Heads where their Tails should be ; and therefore 't was certain t was no new Fashion : but Hats that came from their Predecessors , and so by consequence Intail'd Hatts ; and I think I ha 't now . 140. Some French-men seeing a man standing stock-still in the High-way in the midst of the rain , they askt him why he stood so ? Why , says he , d' ye think I am mad to ride in the Rain as you do ? Why says they , Ma foy y' are quite wet . Indeed Gentlemen , says he , y' are much mistaken ; for I will assure you that I have never a dry thred wet about me : Nor a wet thred dry , I 'll swear , says another . 141. A confident Physitian demanded mony of another , for a Brother of his that was his Patient , and had been dead many years before ; the Gentleman told him , indeed that 't was a work of Charity to visit the sick ( which did belong to his profession ) but if he was in such hast , and so earnest for money , it were best for him to go and visit the Dead ; and then he might be confident he should never want money more . 142. A confident bold Fellow at a Nisiprius in the Countrey , having a Trial then in Law , and fearing that the Trial would go against him , said to the Judge , My Lord I do not desire your Sentence now , but only your Opinion at the present ; and I will wait upon your Lordship for Judgment at some other time . Well , says the Judge , if you 'd only have my Opinion now , why then my Opinion , is That if you had had Judgment to be hang'd seven years ago , the Country would have been more quiet then now it is . Well , my Lord , says he , if this be your Opinion , then your Judgement and mine doth not suit at all ; so that I 'le have nothing to do with you , but go to another Judge . 143. A Gentleman being at Dinner with some others with powdered Beef and Mustard , he having too much mustard at one time on his Meat , made him shed tears in a plentiful manner ; then an old Gentlewoman ask't him , Why he cried so ? He told her because his Grandfather died that day one and twenty years , and about that time a day . After Dinner , and the Gentleman gone , says the Gentlewomans Maid to her Mistress , that then waited at the Table , who was newly come out of the Countrey ; Truly forsooth Mistriss , says she , methinks that Gentleman that dined here , is a very good condition'd man , as to be concerned so much for the death of his Grandmother , that died so many years ago . Probatum est . 144. A Fellow being so drunk , that he was fain to be carried home on mens Shoulders , as he was going , by chance he spied two men leading thorow the Street another Drunkard to his house also : when bursting out into a great passion , he said , Is it not a shame that men should be so drunk as to be led home ? He pretty heart it seems was so drunk , that he did not know that he was carrying home himself . 145. A modest Gentlewoman being compelled by her Mother to accuse her Husband of defect ; and being in the Court , she humbly desired of the Judge , That she might write her mind , and not to speak it , for Modestys sake : The Judge gave her that liberty , and a Clerk was presently commanded to give her Pen , Ink and Paper ; whereupon she took the Pen without dipping of it into the Ink , and made as if she would write ; says the Clerk to her , Madam , There 's no Ink in your Pen. Truly Sir , says she , that 's just my case , and therefore I need not explain my self any further . 146. A crafty Fellow being extremely in debt , and being threatned by his Creditors , that they would have him if he was above ground , got himself into a Cellar , and there lay with the Tapster ; and being reproved for so doing , he told them there 's no fear of catching him there , because 't was under ground , and then they durst not break their Oaths , because they swore they would have him above Ground . 147. A Fellow being adjudg'd to lose his Ears for some notorious Crime , and being in prison , was visited ( though not sick ) by some friends , three or four days before he was to suffer ; then the visitants fell into a dispute about the loss of his Ears . One said the Ears were to be cut off by the root , another said only the tip , and they grew so hot upon this argument , that they fell together by the Ears ; which the Prisoner seeing , intreated them to be patient , for he told them within a week he should be able to resolve them the doubt . 148. An humorous ancient Gentleman was so much used to drink Burage , Balm , Bugloss , and other sorts of Garden Herbs in his Wine all the Summer , that when Winter came , and no herbs to be had , he could not drink without putting a green Ribbon into the Glass , which no doubt but gave him satisfaction both in taste and smell . 149. A very ingenious person set his Bottles in a Bucket down in a Well , to cool the Wine , and coming two hours after , to draw them up again , espied his and his Mans Image in the water ; upon which he ran in for his Sword , swearing that the Antipodes were drinking up his Wine ; but the man being as discreet as his Lord , told him that just as he went from the Well , one of them below ran away to fetch more company ; which made me draw them up before you came back again : and as I pull'd , so did he at bottom pull , yet I was too strong for him , and got 'em up : Well , says my Lord very discreetly , who 'd a thought that these Antipodes had been so near us : nay I no sooner go to the Well , but one of them stares me in the face : so that If I do but hold up my hand at him , he holds up his hand at me agen , but I 'll warrant 'em for catching any more of my Wine there agen . I am glad it was my fortune to find their roguery first . 150. Two Baboons being to be seen at their first coming to London , abundance of Citizens and others did resort thither to take a view of them , and did heartily laugh at their ugliness , and the strange faces which they made ; which a most motherly and very discreet woman being present , did sharply thus rebuke 'em : D' ye think you do well to laugh at strangers , who understand not your Language , and if you were in their Countrey , you 'd take it for a great abuse I warrant you if they should laugh at you : so that you see 't is a great happiness to have one wise woman among the rest . 151. Another discreet motherly woman also , being with her husband and other neighbours , invited to a Knights house , which was their Landlord in the Country ; and as they were going out of the Hall into the Parlor , there was a Jack-an-apes tied by a Chain at the Parlor door ; and as all the Tenants came in he would have a pluck and fling at 'em ; which this worthy woman seeing , very discreetly askt the Usher of the Hall what that young Gentleman was , and what his name was ? He told her 't was a Jack-an-apes ; then she very mannerly coming to go in , makes a very reverend Curtchy ; and says , By your leave Mr. Jack-an-apes . The Ape hearing her speak to him , began to chatter at her , and to pluck her more than all the rest ; at which she grew offended , and told him , let him be who he will , yet he was an ill bred man thus to affront an honest woman , who has been these Twenty years a Midwife in the Parish and my husband , I 'd have you to know was Constable within these three years ; but the Knight told her , what he did was but in jest , and he should do 't no more ; and so was removed from the Parlor door . 175. A Lady said to Oliver's Wife , when he had newly made a Knight , How can your husband make a Knight , when he is none himself : But , says she boldly , He is a Knight and shall be a Knight ; and he has dubb'd him so . O , says the new married Knight's wife , If I thought dubbing would have made him a Knight , I could a dubbed him my self ; and all the rest that were there did own what she said : for what need he have been at the charge of a Knights Fee , when we can dubb 'em our selves without any charges at all ; nay perhaps may get a Diamond Ring , or some other Rarity sometimes into the bargain : Tarbox for that too . 153. A well-bred woman being above-stairs , and her well-tutor'd Son below , then she call'd to him and said , Come up my Bird. What Bird mother , ? says this dutiful Son : Why Whores-Bird Sirrah , says she ; By my troth Mother , says he , I think you never spoke truer in your life . Why Sirrah , says she , if that be true , then you are a Bastard . Why Mother , though I be a Bastard . yet I am sure you are not a Whore : For how can she be a Whore , when he is only a Bastard ? 154. A Woman going to her Husbands funeral with several of her Neighbours , a Man among them , which was of the Parish too , came and whisper'd her in the Ear as she was going to Church ; which when the company saw , they thought it was a business of some great concernment ; but indeed it was to wooe her , Sir , says she , I thank you very kindly for your good-will , and do like you well enough ; and am very sorry also that you come too late ; for I 'll assure you I was made sure to another yesterday . 155. There 's a Proverb which says , The fair lasts all the year , said a Woman ; but says her Husband , My Dear , I can't in this years fair , sell thee for fair . It may be so , says she ; but I have the worst luck , for I can neither sell thee for fair nor foul . What 's the reason of that Wife ? says he : Why says she , my Mother always told me that no Cuckolds would off in a Fair ; for she could never put off her Husband there : and yet she was as honest a woman as any in the parish , though I say it , that should not say it . 156. It seem'd one Doll was brought before a Judge for some Crime or other , which all believed was true , yet they could not prove it : says Jone to her , Faith Doll how didst come off ? Why , says Doll , I set a good face on 't . By my troth , then says Jone , thou didst borrow it ; for I am sure thou never hadst one of thy own . Says Doll , if I can have one for borrowing , what need I keep one of own ? 157. God sends fortune to Fools , said a Man to his Wife : No Indeed , says his Wife , for he made you a Fool , but 't was I that gave you your fortune : which will send you to that place where the Devils can't come at you : For you know my dear Husband , That all Cuckolds go to Heaven . 158 A Scholar in Oxford was often sent to by a Citizen there for Money , which he pretended was due to him , and finding his answer not according to expectation he took the boldness and went to him himself , and modesty said to him in private : Sir , There 's some Money betwixt you and I. Say you so , says the Scholar , I pray where is it ? we 'll divide it if you please . Sir , says he , I have taken your word for it hitherto . Truly , says he , so you are like to do till you are paid . 159. Another time he hired a Horse of an Oxford Man for Two Shillings a day , and did engage that if the Horse came to any disaster , he would pay him the price of him ; which he said was Six pounds ; but after many sendings to and fro , it seems he did still remember to forget to pay him : and the Scholar having some occasion to go for London , was there met by a Bayliff , who very Ingeniously said to him , Sir I Arrest you for a Horse ; the more fool you , says he , do I look like a Horse ? Why then says he , I do Arrest you : Truly , says he , I thank you for that , for I am very weary with walking : Sir , says he , I do tell you I do Arrest you for Money : Why I know that , says he , for you won't do it without Money I am sure . At last says he , You Bailiffs are very idle fellows . Why so , says he , because says the Scholar , you are still Arresting , yet I must confess sometimes you take a great deal of pains in it . 160. Jane , says a Man to a Woman , I 'll give thee Ten Shillings if thou will not answer me with a lie : and when she had took it : says he , Tell me true is thy Husband a Cuckold or no ? upon this she answered him never a word ; and when he saw that he could not make her speak , he demanded his Ten Shillings again . Why , says she , did I make any lie to you ? No , says he . Then say's she , I have won the wager , and thou art ne'r the neer for thy question . Then he swore he would never talk with that Woman again , that can revile a man in speech , and in silence beguile him . 161. A Gentleman that used to be smart in his Repartees , once had in his Hat a very gallant and rich Knot , or Faver of Gold and Silver Ribbon ; which some young Ladies had a mind to , if they could get it handsomely without begging of it ; and so one of them said to him : Sir , you have a very fine Faver in your Hat ; and so they said all : Pray Madam , says he to the first , tell me truly do you like it ? Yes indeed Sir , says she . Why then , says he , if you had not lik't it , I would have flung it into the Fire , but since you say you like it , I pro test I like it the better , and am resolved to keep it for your sakes . 162. A Gentleman that had a great Wit , and well belov'd among the great ones , and therefore invited often among them ; but it seems had a very sore Leg ; he being at a Noble mans Table , greedily cat'd at a Goblet of Wine , says my Lord to him , Prithee Jack drink it not , for 't will hurt thy Leg. O my Lord , says he , take no care for my Leg , for I have care enough of that , for I always drink , o' the t'other side . 163. A Man that had a Woman to his Wife that was not much tongue-tied , and for her other imperfections the Man was much troubled , told her plainly , that if he were to be married agen , he 'd never marry a Woman agen with a Beetle-Brow . And I says she , had rather marry a Man with a Beetle Brow then a Beetle head . 164. One askt a Man where he liv'd ? He told him he liv'd between Ludgate and Newgate . No says t'other , I don't believe that , for you cannot live between 'em : because you must either live in Newgate or Ludgate ; or no where . Truly , says he , I 'd as live be no where as be there . 165. One was a saying also , that the Tapster and the Brewers Horse are both alike ; for , they both do draw Beer , but yet I must confess they do differ in this , That the Tapster draws Beer and drinks it ; but the Horse draws ; but drinks none . 167. A man that had been terribly troubl●d in Law-Suits , went one day to Tyburn , to see the Execution , and then swore , 't was better to have to do with Tyburn than Westminster-Hall ; for there Suits hang half a year , but at Tyburn half an hours hanging ends all . 168. A Simple Fellow , it seems before some Women did let a crack behind ; and then he brag'd and said , that he had a very good report behind his Back : 'T is true , says another , thy Tail can talk indeed , and yet it knows no Letter , for though thy Tongue can talk sweeter , yet thy Tail can talk much better ; for that has more wisdom in telling a Tale than thy Tongue , and commonly thy Back Tale is very long , and therefore every Body does desire to have an end of thy Tale as soon as they can , 169. A many Men sitting a drinking together , they were praising the Ale about England , as Marget Ale , and Hull Ale , and Cheshire Ale , and Lambeth Ale , &c. But one said there was in London to his knowledge , the best in all England : and yet says another , there 's as good Ale in England as in London . 170. A Man being very much diseas'd and weak , was bemoaning himself to his only Son , whom he lov'd very well . For Jack , says he , if I stand my Legs ake , if I kneel my Knees ake , if I go my Feet ake , if I lie then my back akes , if I sit my Hips ake , if I lean my Elbows ake . Why truly Father , says he , ( like a good dutiful Child ) I advise you Father to hang your self an hour or two , and if that does not do , then come to me agen . 171. Two Men were Vapouring what they could do more than t'other , at last one said Sirrah I can do more than thee : Indeed , says t'other , I believe it , and I must yield to him , for he can kiss my Belly behind , which I cannot do . Well then , says t'other , then I am the bravest Fellow , for I can do more than you . 172. A Deaf Man was selling Pears at the Towns end in St. Gileses , and a Gentleman riding out o' th Town , askt him what 't was a Clock ? He said Ten a Penny Master : Then he askt him agen what 't was a Clock ? He told 'em indeed he could afford no more . You Rogue , says he , I 'll kick you about the streets , then says the man , Sir if you wo'nt another will. 173. A man in the North having been to Christen a Child being something in Drink , he was askt , whether it was a Boy or a Girl ? Indeed says he , I cannot tell . Then they askt him the name Faith says he , I have forgot that too , if it had one ; but I well remember I heard the Minister talk of Creeds and Commandements , and such kind of things which I never heard of before ; and that made me not mind it at all ; Why had the Child no name then ? Troth , says he , I can't tell that neither . 174. A Woman when she gave her Grand-Child her Blessing , would always bid her bestow her Maiden-head well ; and one day being a Milking , a neighbours Son of hers passed by , being a hansome young-man , and askt her what he should give her for her Maiden-head ? she told him her Grand-mother bid her not sell it , but bestow it well . Why , says he , you can't bestow it better than upon me . So she being very good natur'd , let him have it ; and being come home , told her Grand-mother what she had done : Out you Jade , says she , I did not mean so ; but since he has got it , I charge thee on my Blessing to go back agen to him and fetch it ; for no Man will marry you if your Maidenhead be g●n● : So she came back and told him what her Grand-mother said ( for I 'd have you to know , says she , that she is an understanding woman ) which made him seem much troubled : Nay , nay says she , I must have it ; and then he like a good natur'd fellow , gave it her agen ; which it may be some other men would not have done . 175. A Gentleman that was not accounted a Philosopher , and a Man of slow speech also ; had a very great desire to be dabbling with a pretty Young Woman that was a Vintners Widdow , who was a Woman of a smart Wit : Then he call'd for a Bottle of Sack , and sent for her , but she came not , and another , but she came not ; but after three Bottles up she came ; and having with Two or Three more with her , si●ten a pretty while with him , he askt what was to Pay ? Answer was made an Angel : That is Ten Shillings in our Country , says she . Methinks , says he , the word Angel had been better , because it came from you : Come Sir , says she , since you say so , we 'll have some Mirth before we part . Then she told 'em there was a Creature that spoke but once , and when it died it went neither to Heaven nor to Hell : he could not tell the meaning of it , then she told him it was Balaams Ass ; for an Angel opened his mouth , but I think we must have Two Angels to open yours ; and I am sure here is but one Angel in yet : Come Boy give us more Sack , which will be the only way to bring in the other Angel to open his mouth . 176. A Man and his Wife , that formerly had liv'd well together , grew to be poor , and both of 'em lov'd the Pot well ; and it happened that a friend of hers met her and gave her Six-Pence ; so she came home with joy to her Husband , saying to him . What shall we have my dear Husband , for we are rich now : Wife , says he , 't is your own , do what you will with it : Why then , says she , let me see wee 'll have , stay , we will have , now I think on 't , a Groats worth Bread and Two pence Drink : Do what you will , sweet-heart , says he , 't is your own . Then she goes out of doors and comes back agen saying , No , now I think on 't Husband , wee 'll have Four penny-worth of Drink and Two penny-worth of Bread ? Do what you please , says he , Sweet-heart , 't is your own : Out she goes agen , but comes in presently : O Husband , says she , now I think better on 't , I am resolved to have Five penny worth of Drink , and penny in Bread : Do what you please my dear , says he , for 't is your own : Then out she goes and comes immediately back agen : I am now fully resolved to have it all in Drink , and beg a Toast of them . O dear Wife , says he , now thou hast won my Heart for ever : Come I 'll give thee a Buss , but be sure to let us have it , quick , quick , quick , you Rogue : Well Sweet-heart , says he , how happy it was that thou wentest out to day . 177. A Gentleman lately walking in the Strand , was followed by a lusty begger , who crav'd his benevolence , he told him he 'd give him nothing ; still he urg'd him he bid him be gone , and trouble him no more : then he importun'd him the more . Sirrah , says he , you Rogue , I 'll not give you a Farthing . Pray Sir , says the Fellow , let me speak but one word to you ; What 's that ? says he , That your Worship would but procure me a Whore. Why you Rogue , says he , do I look like a Pandar ? No Sir , he said , but there 's a Wise Man has said , that a Whore will bring a Man to a Morsel of Bread , which I should be glad of ; for I profess Sir , I have seen none these three days . Which conceit of his procur'd him a Shilling , and then the Gentleman went away . Well , says the Fellow , I see that a Whore has a great Influence upon some Men , when but the Name of a Whore has now got me a Shilling : I did love them pretty well formerly , but now I shall love 'em the better as long as I live . 178. A Nobleman once told his Fool , that if he could but tell him what Sir John Falstaffs Christen name was , he 'd settle Eight Pound a year upon him for his Life , and he should Marry the Dairy Maid , who he lov'd dearly : Woo't I' faith Lord , says the Fool. I that I will , says the Lord : Swear it Lord , swear it , says he . I protest I will , says my Lord : Well stay a little then ; says he , Sir John , what , says he , why Sir John Falstaffs Christen name : Nay , says my Lord , I 'll tell you further , his Name is Falstaffe , and he was Christened John ; now tell me what Sir John Falstaff's Christen Name is . And after he had walkt Two or Three times about the Room , my Lord urg'd him to tell him : Prithee Lord , says he , tell me his Name once agen ; why his Name was Falstaffe , and he was Christ'ned John , Now tell me his Christen Name ? At last , after half an hours pawsing : Now Lord I have it , I have it , says he ; for I can tell what Sir John Falstaffs Christen name was , and shall I have Eight pound a year ? Yes , and Doll too , I that thou shalt , I protest , says he , agen . Why then , says he , bear Witness , for I have hit on it now : Sir John Falstaff's Christen Name was , he was Christened Sir John Falstaffe : Look you there you Rogues , who 's a Fool now : Hey for Doll , O brave Doll , she 's my own , I 'll go and buss her now , for she 's mine own you Rogue . 179. A Drunken Fellow one Night was taking a Pipe of Tobacco , and being so reeling ripe , he could not hit the Candle with his Pipe to light it , which he finding , took up the Candle in his hand , and at last put the Pipe into the Candlestick instead of the Candle , and then put the Candle into his Mouth instead of the Pipe ; and after he had suckt a pretty while , and finding no smoak come , but the sweet Tallow melting in his Mouth , he Swore a great Oath that the Pipe-maker had not burnt it ; for 't was perfectly Clay still ; and therein he said true ( for how could the Candle be burnt when it was whole and unburnt ) and this Rogue of a Pihe-maker , says he , has also forgot to make a hole in it too ? A pox on 't , says he , I might a suckt long enough , and so flung it away . 180. A Country Fellow coming into London , had a broken Groat in his pocket , and came to a Goldsmiths Shop , and putting off his Hat very low , did desire of the Prentice that he would give him a little piece of Silver as big as a Hazel Nut , to soder it agen , and when you come into our Countrey , says he , I 'll give you a piece of Lead shall be ten times as big ; the Prentice told him he had something else to do : What a Pox , says he , d' ye keep open Shop for , if you won't part with any of your Goods ? Says t'other , My Goods will prove but bad , if I should part with 'em in this manner . 181. A company of merry wags were got together at a Club , among which were bandied to and fro many smart reparties ; but one among the Company , that thought himself a great Wit , and indeed I think so too ; for one askt him very seriously , Whether he thought he was his own Mother's Son ? Truly , says he , Gentlemen , I am not certain , but I believe I am , for you know , that are wits , 't is a hard question . Then he was askt by another , whether he thought he was his own Fathers Son ? Faith. says he , I can't well tell , but for ought I know I am : for how can I be sure of that ? Upon which they all fell a Laughing : Why Gentlemen , says he , very discreetly , 'T is a wise Child that knows his own Father . 182. An Old Woman that had never seen a Jack-an-apes in her Life before , and coming to Bedford to the Market , saw one riding on a Dogs back , and the Dog running away with him : Says she , I am afraid that Young Gentleman will fall by and by , he rides so fast ; and when she saw he did not , then she cried out , Well rid Young Gentleman , well rid Young Gentleman ; in truth he 's a good Horse-Man . 183. A Drunken Fellow in the Streets met with an ●ncient acquaintance of his , and desired him to lend him an Angel , and I don't doubt but I shall pay pou within a month agen ; he askt him how ? He told him he had a great swelling in his Neck , and he hoped it was the Kings-Evil ; which if it were , then the King would give him an Angel , with which he would pay him . 184. An Old Man bringing his Son to be catechized at Easter , the Minister thought the Old Man needed more instruction than his Son , and askt him who made him ? the Old Man said he had forgot 't was so long since he was made : says the Minister , 't is a shame for you at these years to let your Child know more than your self : I think so indeed , says he , for he was but lately made , and 't is above Fourscore Years since I was made . Well , says the Minister , how many Commandments are there ? He said he thought about Four or Five : Fie , says the Minister , there 's Ten. Vaith says he , I thought you 'd bring 'em to Ten , because you 'd have the Tithe : Why , Old Man , says the Minister , I tell thee again there 's Ten : Why then , says he , there 's a goodly Company of them . Well Friend , says he , how many Sacraments are there ? Why , says the Old Man , there 's Four. Which are they ? says the Minister : Why , says the Old Man , there 's Christmas , Easter , Whitsuntide , and our Wake . And so went out a-doors , as taking it for an affront to be catechized at that Age ; and well he might , for you see he understood well enough what he said . 185. A Notorious but cunning Thief , being arraigned before a Judge for a great Crime , the Judge askt him what answer he made to his Accusation : Truly my Lord , says he , I find 't is a foul matter , and I desire to hear no more on 't ; for which being reproved for his impudent sawciness ; he swore he would bind the Judge over to the Peace , because he stood in fear of his Life by his means : Well , says the Judge , you shan't sleep in peace to Night for that conceit ; and so commanded that he should be laid in Irons , Pray my Lord , says he , let me go about my business , for I never wronged you in my Life , and therefore you have nothing to do with me ; for I am going to receive some Money to pay my Debts ; for I owe my Landlord and several others a great deal of Money , and they 'l arrest me as I go by in the Cart ; and I would willingly pay my debts before I am hang'd , and I think that 's the part of an honest man ; though it may be you don't think so . 186. Another time a Thief was going to the Gallows out of the Town , near Norwich , and many Boys were running to see the Execution ; which he seeing , call'd to 'em , saying , Boys you need not make such haste , for there will be no sport till I come . What , says a man , is there but one to be hang'd , I 'll go home agen : D' ye hear Friend , says he , you need not go home , for if you like it so well , pray come and supply my place , for I can afford you a good penny-worth on 't . 187. A Witty Fellow , that was Clerk to Two Justices of Peace in Olivers days , that for a Bribe us'd to help Delinquents at a dead lift ; and being once speaking of the Two Justices , he said one was the craftiest and subtlest Fellow in the World , but the other an arrant Dance ; and said he had as much a-do to conceal a business from the one , as to make the other understand it . 188. A Gentleman intending to dine and be merry with some others , did bespeak a Leg of Pork well powdered against such a day ; and she , poor heart , spared no Salt upon it , and made it so Briny , that it would have fir'd a Palate of Ice : and the day being come that they should eat it , the Gentleman that bespoke it , cut a piece , and put a bit on 't in his Mouth , and immediately spit it out agen , and threw the Dish and Pork against the ground . The company that had kept their Stomacks for that Pork all that day , askt him the cause why he did so ? Why , says he , I bid the Salt Bitch corn me a Leg of Pork well , and she has brought in a Limb of Lots Wife : Truly Sir , says she , I gave it but a little Salt , but I must confess I bought the Hog of a Man of Saltwich , where it seems it was bred and born ; and I think that is the chiefest cause of its saltness . D' ye see , says he , how this Bitch does bring a Witch to excuse her self . 189. A Discourse rose at a Dinner among some Merchants , about their loving Wives ; and one said his Wife was the most affectionate Woman in the World , and for the Evidence of it , he had often heard her swear ; Nay when ever I rose out of the Bed in a Morning before her , she would always convey her self into my warm place ; so much she lov'd the very heat and impression I had made : Puh , says a Wag to him , this that you evidence , is an infallible token against you ; for it seems she lov'd your room better than your company . 190. A Country Woman sent her Son Three or Four Miles off to her Landlords House with a New-Years-Gift upon New Years-day , where the Boy was never before , and being in the Kitchin , he there saw a Dog turning of the Spit , which was it seems a strange thing to the Boy ; so he stood loytring to stare upon that and other fine things which he saw there , that he staid it seems longer than ordinary ; for which his Mother beat him lustily when he came home : O Mother , says he , if you had been there , you would have stay'd as long as I , for it would have done your heart good to see how a Dog in a Wheel did spin Roast-Meat : Nay Mother he did reel too , that is when he was weary , which was much Mother to see a Dog spin and reel ; I am sure 't was more than our Maid Jone could do when she came to you first . Now Mother I hope chave sartified you , and when I go thither agen , if I should stay long , pray Mother don't beat me agen . 191. A Ridiculous and Impudent Fellow , being laught at by all that came into his company , told 'em he had a certain quality , which was to laugh at all that laught at him ; Faith , says one of his Companions , then thou livest the merriest life of any man in Christendome ; for I never saw any man that ever came in thy company but laught at thee : Why then , says he , I hope I please e'm if they laugh so heartily , and those that please are best lik'd of . 192. A Drunkard having but one of his Eyes left with Drinking , was warned by Physicians to leave off tipling , or else he 'd lose the other Eye also : Faith , says he , I care not if I do ; for I do confess ingeniously I have seen enough , but I have not drank enough : Ergo. 193. Another reverend Drunkard having spent about Fifteen hundred Pounds a year in Drink , nay , was so much addicted to it that he counted all those his enemies that did perswade him against it ; yet one took the boldness upon him as to upbraid him for such extravagency . Puh , says he , what you thrust in at one Ear goes out at t'other . Nay , I 'll tell you more than I am perswaded you know , for I also have spent above Ten thousand pounds in ready cash in Drink besides , and yet I have not drink enough Boys . For Drinking that , will make one fat , and brisk as Cat or Mouse , or Rat , and when I ha 't — it makes me chat , like little Brat , that sits on the Mat. 194. An Old Man being to swear in a Cause before a Judge , the Judge bid him beware that he did not forswear himself ; and told him if he did , he might be confident the Devil would have him : Truly my Lord , says he , I hope the Devil will have nothing to do with me , for I have given him my Eldest Son already , and I hope he will content himself with him , for I think one out of a Family is enough for him ; Then the Judge bid him explain himself more clearly : Why truly , my Lord , says he , I have made my Eldest Son a Lawyer , for I believe that all of that Profession goes to the Devil ; for the Devil himself you know it is said has been a Lawyer from the beginning : A Lyer you mean , says the Judge , Why , says he , a Lawyer and a Lyer is all one , I hope ; or else we are all mistaken in our opinions . 195. A Mayor of a Town in this Kingdom , that had been a Cavalier , and when the King was restored , beg●n a Health to the King upon his Knee , purposely to fetch a Fanatick Alderman down upon his : but the Alderman ( being a crafty man ) contrary to all mens expectations , pledg'd it with seeming zeal on both his knees ; at which the Mayor wonder'd ( and was much concerned that he did not begin it on both his Knees also ) and askt him , why he did not do as he began it , on one Knee , but must do it on both Knees ? Why truly Mr. Mayor , says he , one Knee was in Honour of the King , and the other was to ask God forgiveness for so doing : What , says he , d' ye ask God forgiveness for doing the King Honour : No , says he , not for that , but because I pledg'd a Health on that which I confess I ought to Pray on . Probatum est . 196. Divers French Courtiers , passing over the New Bridge at Paris in France , spied a blind Man a begging there , with the Balls of his Eyes so fair , that they thought him a Counterfeit ; then an Earl among them , being indeed a Bastard to a great Prince there , said he would try the Experiment ; for if he can see he must needs know me , for I do daily pass by here ; upon which he went immediately to the Begger , and pull'd him by the Nose ; at which the Begger roar'd out , and call'd him him Bastardly Rogue : Look you there now , says he , did not I tell you he counterfeits ; he could never have known me else . But the Count was much mistaken , for the Beggar was really blind , and that word Bastard was a common word which he had daily in his mouth to every one that did affront him , as you see this Count did . 197. There 's an University in France , where any Man may proceed Doctor for Mony , though he be utterly unlearned : It happened that an Ignorant German came thither , and having ( for his better Progress in his degree he hoped to take ) invited the Doctor of the Chair to Supper , the German being a little Fluster'd , askt the Doctor if he would take Money , to make his Horse a Doctor too ? Yes , says he , I may make a Horse a Doctor as well as an Ass , and so by consequence your Horse as well as your self . 198. A Gallant being a Suiter to a Rich Widow ; when ever he went to wait upon her in the Country where she lived , he would hire one Man or other to wait upon him thither , and never came twice with one Man ; at last the Gallant being to go into the West , came to take his leave of the Widow , and when he had done , I pray Sir , says she , give me leave to take my leave of your Man too ? He asked her what she meant by that ? O , says she , there 's more reason that I should take my leave of him than of you , for happily I may see you agen , but am confident I shall never see your Man agen : Why , Widow , says he , this is a great mistake in you now , for these that have waited upon me hither , are all my own Servants that I keep at Board wages , purposely to attend me and look to my Horses ; and the reason why I brought not one Man twice , was because thou shouldest see that 't was a Man of Fortune came to wooe thee , by keeping so many Servants as I do ; and when we are married , my dear Widow , then thou shalt see them all together , and not before : Well Sir , says she , I believe you say truly . 199. Two Gentlemen standing together , a very beautiful Woman pass'd by , upon which one of them said , There goes the handsomest Woman that ever I saw . She hearing him , turned back , and seeing him very ugly , said , Sir , I would I could in way of requital say as much by you : Faith , says he , so you may , and lie as I did . Here followeth some Probable Stories told by several Persons in a Room together . 200. A Gentleman in North-wales was standing in a Sun-shiny day , upon a high rock near the Sea-side in those parts ; and as he was looking about , he saw an Island some Four miles from the shore or thereabouts , upon which Island he spy'd two Hares playing one with another : Well , says he , are you got over there now ; for I am sure I cours'd you both yesterday with my two Greyhounds , and then you shew'd me a trick , but now I 'll shew you one . So he went immediately home , and fetch 't his two Greyhounds , and a great Morter-piece which he had of a Thousand pound weight , which he fastened between the two Dogs Necks ; but he was forc'd to fasten a Cord to it also , lest the Dogs might run away with it ; and when they had carry'd it to the Rock aforesaid , he charg'd the Morter-piece , and presently the two Greyhounds slipt into it ( for it seems they had been used to it ) which two Greyhounds he ram'd in very well , and then discharg'd the Morter-piece with no hurt at all to the Greyhounds , ( for you must know he shot with white Powder ) and it so happened that says he , I protest t' ye Gentlemen , ( upon my honest word and credit 't is true ) that the two Grey-hounds each lighted upon a Hare as they were playing , and then kill'd 'em and immediately left the Island , and swam through the Sea with the Hares in their Mouths , which were one boiled and t'other roasted for my Dinner . The one askt him what colour his Greyhounds were ? He swore they were both black before , but the White Powder did so change their colour , that they were both turn'd grey ; and so from them all of their kind were called Grey-hounds , for their sakes , to this day . They told him they thought this probable enough to be improbable . O Gentleman , says he , far be it from me to tell you a lie , for if you won't believe me , pray ask the two Dogs , 201. Another was saying , that once upon a time , it was his fortune to be in Hide-Park , where he saw several Races run ; and at length , says he , I undertook to run a Race with my little Galloway Nag , with another of that size , a Race of a mile long for Five pound : And just as we were riding with full speed , he that rode with me was on the right hand , and so past by the Coach ; but my poor Galloway seeing he could not pass for the Coach ( and being a cunning Jade , and unwilling that his Master should lose ) for if he did , he thought he should fare the worse for it at night ; presently cast me off his back , and leapt quite thorow the Coach himself ( notwithstanding it went a great pace ) but it was done so nimbly and so dexterously , that all admir'd , and so well 't was ordered , that just as he came thorow the Coach , when he came out , he catcht me directly upon his back agen on the other side of the Coach , and though 't was done so hastily , yet the other got ground of us ; but my Horse so handled his Legs , that without Switch or Spur I won the wager . Now , says he , shew me such a Galloway Nagg in England agen ; then they all told him 't was very much , and more than they could have believed , if he had not told it . 202. Another swore , that he in his Travels round about the World , which he had encompast Three times and half in Seven years time , but could not finish the other half , because he fell very Sick , and so was forc't to return back agen ; and in his return he came into a Kings Court , but I cannot for my life remember the place , because I have been in so many ; and there , says he , I saw a Lute of a very great bigness , and Thirty Ells long , bating only three inches , and Three broad , and swore that the least string upon it was bigger than his Thumb . Then they askt him how it possibly could be plaid on ? He told them that a Man and his Wife that were Gyants ( of which there 's abundance in that Country ) had Two large Iron Bows , made each with Eight Feet like Gridirons , with which he and his dear Consort ( which I think is the best name for her now , in regard of that Musick ) scrat o're the strings ; that is , she on the Treble part , and he on the Bass , whil'st Eight great Mastiff Dogs ran up and down the Frets of the Lute , with their bare Feet , and stopt directly in Tune as they plaid ; ( but you must conceive that these Dogs were bred up to 't , or else 't were a thing impossible ) to the admiration of all strangers that were there ; and the Case of that Lute served for a Kennel for the Eight Dogs to lie in : but it seems 't is common with them there , for they made nothing of it : and this he made good by whole volleys of thundering Oaths . 203. Another Gallant swore likewise ( for it seems they were all guilty of swearing to confirm their stories , or else 't is possible that few of them would be believed ) That as he was fishing in Germany in the great River Rhine , where I saw an infinite number of Fish of all soets , and a Fisher of that Countrey which I saw draw up with his Net an Eele , that was far bigger than the May-pole in the Strand at the bottom , which they at first thought to be a lie ; and when he had occasion to go into the Yard , they askt his Man , who indeed was very sober and discreet , whether it were true of the Eele , to be as big as the May-pole in the Strand at bottom : Truly Gentlemen , says he , I then stood nearer than my Master , which makes him a little mistake , for I think in good truth it was scarce so big , but swore , that it was full so long . This made them cry him up with a Hum , and presently writ Probatum est : And good reason they had I think , because he had a witness to prove it there , which spoke as true as himself . 204. Another , That in the Wars in Germany between the Swedes and them , there was so great a Frost one Winter , that Two Men desiring to talk with one another , and one was on one side of the River , and t'other on the other , and as they spoke one to another , the Frost was so great , that it froze up their words , which was not audible then , nor indeed ( upon my reputation ) could not be heard till Nine days after , when it chanc'd to thaw : which one of the company hearing , said 't was a brave Country to speak Treason in ; for whatsoever a Man said , a Man could not be heard : Nay , the very lowings of the Bulls and Cows were froz'n up also , that the owners had much ado to find them to fodder them , for want of hearing them as formerly . Nay , by your favour , says another , there is another Country , which had as great a conveniency to speak Treason in as that had from 1648 to 1660 ; and there one might speak any sort of Treason , and was never call'd to an account for it : Nay , the more Treason they spoke , they were the better esteem'd ; so that there was no need of a frost at that time in England for that use . 205. A Woman accidentally coming into the Room where they were , and hearing them speak of that Frost in Germany , told some such stories ; but when she saw the Company began to scruple at the truth of it ( which I wonder they did , if they consider but her following discourse ) then she up and told them That her dear and loving Husband , peace be with him , was in that great Frost , out late one night , which , truly Gentlemen , I believe was the occasion of his death : though he lingred Fourteen or Fifteen years after it ; he I say , riding that night , came to a Common , where were great store of very good Cole-pits , insomuch that he fell down to the bottom in one of them , and his Horse fell directly upon him ; that it was impossible at that time of night , and in such weather , to be relieved in that great distress : and having lain so for a long time , and no hopes to be relieved at all , he presently bethought himself , and immediately rose and went to the next Village , and there borrowed a Pickaxe and a Spade , and then came back with 'em to the Pit , and first digged out himself , and then his Horse , and so about five a Clock in the Morning came home ; but so weary and so cold , that he could not unbotton his Doublet : Nay , says she , after I had hope him off with all his Cloaths ; he was so benum'd , that I was forc'd to take a Warming-pan of hot Coles , and so went all over his body , yet was he so cold that he scarce felt , though the warming-Pan sometimes stood a pretty while together in one place ; which truly Gentlemen I was fain to do for my Dear Husband : which confirm'd them in the belief of it , that it was as true as any of the rest , and gave her thanks for it also : and so she made them half a dozen reverend Oourchys and bid 'em god-by . 206. Another Fellow said that he had heard all their stories , and did think at first that some of them had been untruths , but now , says he , I am better satisfied ; and I will tell what I know upon my own Knowledge . I was once in some company where I heard one of them say that to his Knowledge a Raven would live a hundred years : so the next day I went and bought me one purposely to make a Tryal , and put him into a Cage and taught him to sing ; and I think in my conscience no Bird but a Raven could sing like him . Well , says he , I kept this Bird above a hundred years ; nay , if I should say two hundred , I should not lie ( and fed him all the time my self ) yet I could never make him speak as your Starling does for my life ; at last being very tame , I turn'd him out of the Cage , and put him into a Room , where I had only a Goose , but never a Gander for her : I know not how it happened , but the Raven and the Goose fell in league together ( for you must know 't was a Cock Raven ) and the Raven trod her , and she brought ten young ones , all coloured half black and half white , and those Five which were black towards the head cry'd just like a Raven , and those that were white towards the head , cry'd like Geese , and I eat one of the former , that was black towards the head , and if you 'll believe me , I have had ever since such a strange croaking in my Stomach , especially if I chance to see any Carrion , that 't is a great disturbance to me : Nay , One of my Neighbours upon some occasion call'd my Wife Carrion ; and though I did not love her before ; yet ever since I have had a great kindness for her . Then they told him that the strangeness of this story made it true , and the Proverb makes it good , that is , 'T is not so strange as true , 207. Another of this Crew came in with his story too , which they thought improbable , till he gave 'em evident demonstration of the truth of it , and that was this : He said he was one Winter about seven years since in Lincolnshire , near the Fenns , where there is always great store of all sorts of Wild Fowl , but especially of Duck and Mallard , which made me take my Gun , and when I came near to a Hedge , they were very thick at t'other side , upon which I presently discharged my Gun , and kill'd at one Shoot Three hundred twenty five , and I think , I wounded a great number also ; then they wondered how he could kill so many at one shot , he told them that there were near Four hundred little holes in the Barrel of his Gun , so big as Shot might easily pass through them ; and at the discharge of the Gun every Shot went out at his own hole , and kill'd so many as I told you , I am certain : Nay , I had kill'd many more if they had lay a little closer : Then they askt him how he got 'em home , he told 'em he went home first and fetcht a Horse , which was loaded Three times home with them , besides what I carried on my Shoulders ; and they were all as fat as the driven Snow . They said 't was very much indeed , and very many to be kill'd at one time . 208. Another that had been a Souldier , and newly come from the great and long Siege of Ostend , one askt him what news there ? He swore there was great want of Bread : But one day when some was brought in , he saw a lusty Souldier that was one of their Regiment , take up a Loaf ; and having a very large and sharp Knife , he slic't quite thorow the Loaf ; and himself ( being eager at it ) and two more Souldiers behind him ; and by that means we got their Shares , and so fared the better ; and to the confirmation of it added some lusty Oaths : Nay , said they , we 'll believe this , cause 't is a well-bred story . 209. A Gentleman that had bred up a Young Colt , and had taught him many pretty pieces of Activity , but one among the rest , that of leaping so well , that no Ditch or Hedg , though never so broad or deep , but he whipt over : nay , an ordinary House was nothing with him , or small Country Church also , but yet could never leap over the Steeple . It fortun'd that the Gentleman having occasion to ride abroad on him , came to a River that was about Twenty yards wide , which you 'll say was very broad ; yet this poor beast leapt with him to the very brink of the River on the other side , and there by chance lighted upon a stump of a Tree , which run into his Belly : which the Master seeing , alighted , and so left the poor Beast in that condition , yet would not kill him , and so went away . About Six months after this Gentleman was riding that way with his Man , and as they rode , says his Master , Don't you see something move yonder ? Yes , says he , I think I see a Tree go● and coming near to it , they put aside all the Boughs , and there spied his late Horse , which he thought had died there ; so they cut off all the Boughs , which were so many as to load almost three Carts , and then he took the poor Beast home , and cur'd him of all but the stump of the Tree which was in his Belly : and indeed he need not do it , for he receiv'd a great advantage by it every year , that is , at least Two or Three load of Wood , which serv'd him to burn in his Chamber ; for he would never burn any other there but that , out of the love he bore to that poor beast of his . But some that heard him till it , thought it savour'd too much of the Legend : Why if you won't believe me , ask my Man , who knows it as well as I , and shall swear it too , if you please . 210. A Lusty Widow about Forty five years Old , yet it seems had a mind to another Husband ; and she liv'd about Four Miles from High-Wickham , a Market Town in Buckingham shire ; and having one Market day sent her Maid to the Market at Wickham , about some business , the Maid it seems staid longer than ordinary abroad , and when she came home her Mistriss askt her , what was the cause of her staying so long at Market ? I profess I 'll hang your Coat for it : Pray Mrs. Forsooth , says she , hear me but speak first , and I don't doubt but to give you satisfaction : Come you Jade , speak quickly then . Why Forsooth , says she , there was the finest Proclamation that ever I heard in my Life ; What Proclamation you Queen , speak quickly ; Why Forsooth , 'T was that every Woman that had a little Mouth , should have two Husbands : With that the Widow being very much pleased with the News , began to purse and draw up her sweet Mouth : And saying , O , 't was a pretty Proclamation , a brave Proclamation , an excellent Proclamation : I but Forsooth , says she , I 'll tell you more News than all this : There was another Proclamation ; What was that ? Says the Widow , Why forsooth , those that have a wide Mouth shall have three Husbands . With that she began to widen her lovely Mouth : Saying , Whaw , whaw , whaw , what a brave Proclamation is that indeed . And so every day after enlarged her Mouth by degrees that her Neighbours might take notice of it ; and so gave in her name to the next Justice accordingly . 211. A Gentleman that liv'd in the Country in the Christ-mass-Holy days , as many others do , did invite his Tenants to a Dinner or Supper ; and one day being at Dinner , and seeing the Pigs long in coming ( and being a very passionate Man also ) askt his Wife what was become of the two Pigs ? She told him they would come presently , and pray'd him to be patient . With that he began to curse and swear that he did believe he should never see his two Spits again ; his Wife askt him why he said so ? Because , says he , I do believe the Pigs are run away with them , for I saw 'em with the Spits in their Mouths two hours ago . 212. A Great Noble Man , that was accounted mad by all that came near him , but yet had a great deal of Craft withal ; and one day having got a great rusty Horse-nail in his hand , he made those in the House believe he had eaten it ; which that all the Physicians that were far and near were sent for , and after they had a long and serious consultation together , some said it was good to send it out by way of Purgation , others said they 'd dissolve it in the Body and yet should do him no hurt ; and he sitting by and hearing all their discourse , told them they were all Fools and Mountebanks : For , says he , could not you have applied a Loadstone to my Breech , and that would a drawn it out , for that attracts all Iron to it . 213. A very Covetous Trades-man had a mind to be married , and yet was afraid for fear of the charge of having Children too fast ; at last he resolved to marry , and indented with his Wife before marriage , that they would lie together but once a month : And , says he , I intend to get every month a Joint from Head to Foot of the Child , so by that means we shall not have too many Children ; but I do it for this reason , to ease thee in the bringing of them up : And after Marriage it seems he lay with her the first Night : And I know not how it came about but at forty weeks end she was brought to Bed of a brave Boy , and perfect every way . Why how now Wife ? says he , this is not according to my expectation : Yes Husband , says she , but I may thank good Neighbour , or else for ought I know we might have had a deformed Child . 214. A Bold Cavalier passing by Ludgate in Olivers time , one night was examined by the Constable and watch , what he was ? He told them he was a man. Who d' ye serve ? says the Constable . I serve , says he , the King. So as they were sending him to Prison , he told them he serv'd his Highness the Lord Protector . O , I cry your mercy , says the Constable , why did you not say so before ? Because , says he , I thought you had l●●'d the King better than my Lord Protector : if you don 't , says he , I am sure you ought to do 't ; and so whipt out at the Wicket and ran away ; or else , they had had him to Bridewell and there whipt him . 215. A Youth passing by the Watch late at Temple-Bar one night also ; the Constable askt him what he was ? Why , says he , a Boy ; don't you see : Who d' ye serve , says the Constable , Why the King , says the Boy : Says the Constable , So do we , Is that all ? D' ye serve no body else ? Away with him to the Counter : At length he told him that he was Page to Mr. Baxter at Court ; O , says the ingenious Constable , are you Page to the Back-stairs at Court ; go your ways home , for I won't stay any of the Kings Servants . No , says the Boy , how can you stop 'em , unless y●u find where they run out . 216. At a Market Town in York-shire , there liv'd a Quaker that was a Barber , and the Minister of the Parish came to him for to demand Twenty Shillings for Tithe belonging to his Parsonage : The Quaker told him he ow'd him none , nor none would he pay him : He told him 't was his due , and if he could not have it by fair means he must have it by foul : The Quaker askt him for what it was due ? He told him for Preaching and Reading Divine Service , and other Ministerial Duties in the Church : Why , says the Quaker , I never came there : You might and you would , says the Parson , the Door stands open . A little after the Quaker hearing that he was suing of him for the money , enters an Action also against the Parson for Twenty Shillings ; and when the Parson came to hear of it , he went and askt him how he came to owe him twenty Shillings ? He told him for Trimming : Why , says the Minister , I never came there in my life : You might and you would , says the Quaker , for the Door stands open . 217. An Oxonian , meeting with a Rhodomontade in London , who it seems swore that he would take the wall of all that he met , the Scholar thinking nothing , was going between the wall and him : with that the Ruffler began to thrust him back , and told him , He did not use to give every Coxcomb the Wall. No , says t'other , what good will the Wall do me without the House : But , says t'other , I mean I don't use to give every Fool the wall ; But Sir , says he , I do , ●and am very glad that I have so good an opportunity to serve you ; and so let him have it and marcht away , and the other also went away very well satisfied , thinking he had put an affront upon the Scholar . 218. A man describing to his Friend a broad brim'd Hat , which he wonder'd at when he came first to London , and when he came down into the Country agen , he told them of this fashion'd Hat ; But one said it was so broad , that it would have serv'd conveniently for a Pent-house for another man besides himself ; says he , When I saw the brim of it button'd up on one side , methoughts it lookt just like a Trap-door nail'd up ; and his body , having a Coat on with larke Loops , shew'd just like a Ladder underneath the Trap-door . 219. A great Butler once drinking to a sober Person a Glass of Wine , he refused to pledge him . What , says he , won't you pledge me ? Why then I wish this curse may attend thee : That is , that I wish that in a dark and cold rainy night , thou wert set upon a tir'd Jade bare-ridg'd , in a dirty Lane , with a Pocky Whore behind thee , and thy own Bones rotten , & Nine Miles from any House , not knowing one step of the way , and with never a penny in thy Purse , and both thirsty and hungry : Sir , says he , I thank you for your good wishes , but I hope in a little time you 'l enjoy 'em all your self . 220. A Simpleton , having been married Seven or Eight years , and had no Children , and one day a Kinsman of his coming to visit him , whispered to him ( innocently ) Cousen , Cousen , betwixt you and I my Wife 's with Child ; though , says he , I protest I had no hand in it : No , says he , I don't believe you had any hand in it : But being in a manner over-joy'd with the conceit on 't , and ( knowing it to be of his own begetting ) said Cousen , Cousen , but betwixt you and I , I shall have an Heir , and I hope you will be Godfather to it : No , says his Cousen , by no means , for if I should be God-father , all the Neighbours will say you take Gods Name in vain there . 221. A Natural Fool , that serv'd a Knight in this Kingdom , he commanded him to give such a Lord his hand ; which he presently did , but gave him his left hand , for which his Master chid him , and told him he should have given the Lord his right hand : A Fit Master , says the Fool , I think you are more Fool than I ; for that 's an unseemly thing indeed to give to a great Lord that hand , which I wipe my Breech withall every day . 222. A Discreet Gentlewoman kept more Maids than ordinary to please her Husband , and he like a Wise Man gave her leave to roam abroad at her pleasure also , and being absent they always contented each other , but if present then they were content to be Bawds one to another ; so that there was never such true love between any couple that I have heard of before : which I think is a very goody example for married folks hereafter , to follow their discreet rule , to avoid contention and quarrelling . 223. A Knights Son in the West , who was indeed his Fathers only Child , and so gave him a little more liberty than ordinary , and he was rather a lover of the State of Venus — than Genoa , and did often haunt the young Girls thereabouts ; but especially one above the rest , which was a very pretty Maid , and about Eighteen years of age , and a Farmers Daughter , who was his Fathers Tenant ; which gave him the more liberty to have free egress and regress thither ; and having importun'd the Maid very much , yet she would never grant : at last he promis'd her Marriage , upon which he had his desire , and the Maid was with Child ; but his Father and Mother fearing he might make up a match there , by his going so often thither , sent to another Knight that liv'd four Miles of , to treat between their Daughter and his Son , which was a pretty Woman also , which they suddenly consented to , and the marriage day appointed ; and on the Marriage day , when he was riding with his man thither , the Farmer and his Daughter way-laid him under a Hedg , and askt him what recompence he should have for the wrong he had done his Daughter . Well , says he , there 's Fifty pound for you in Gold , and I now will give you a Bond for Fifty pound more to be paid in Six Months , so you will be contented . So under the Hedg the Bond was making , and the People at the Bride-house wondering at his so long stay , sent a Man to enquire after him ; and when he came , he found him a uniting under the Hedg with the Farmer and his Daughter ; and when he had done he went his way to the Bride-house as fast as he could gallop : and the Farmer and his Daughter seeing they could not help themselves , put up their Pipes and went home ; at last they were married , had Din'd , and supt , and when they were in Bed together , he began to kiss her : Pray , says she , let me ask you a question , first , what made you under the Hedg with the Farmer and his Daughter so long ? Why , says he , it does not concern you at all : Well , says she , I will know , or else you and I shall he at a distance . Why , says he , If you won't be angry I 'll tell you : Well I will not , says she , let it be what it will : Why then , says he , I got the Farmers Daughter with-Child , and she was such a Fool to tell her Father of it : By my troth , says she she was a Fool indeed ; for my Fathers Man got me with-child above a twelve month ago , and you are the first that ever I told of it : Tarbox for that beloved . 224. A Rump Soldiers Wife being a cleanly Woman , in a Moon shiny night going thorow Thieving-lane in Westminster , and pretty late , she having at that time an occasion to untruss a point , went into a corner of that Lane , and under a Bulk was pleased to deliver a poor Prisoner ( for it could be no otherwise in Thieving-lane ) but I know not by what over-sight it hapned , for her under-Coat , sweet Soul , doubl'd inwardly , which catch't the poor Prisoner agen when he was got out ; o● last like a discreet Woman that could over-see all she had done , she lookt on the Ground , and seeing it not , Well , says she , the place well deserves the name of Thieving-lane ; for a Body can't lay down any thing but 't is stole away presently : And the poor thing it seems was loath to leave her turn'd Page , and followed at the heels , dab , dab , dab , every step ; which she knew not of till she smelt the Rogues tricks : Sirrah , says she , hence forward I 'll have no more to do with you ; and so shak'd him off , that the poor thing was forc'd to lie in the Street all that cold night . 225. Another Rump Officer , which forsooth to be fine , must needs have a Muff ; and being much put to 't , to deliver a poor Prisoner also , was forc't to put into an Ale House , and bid him fill him a Pot of Ale , and he 'd come presently : And when he came to the convenient place , and it being a little duskish , and being in hast too , pretty worm ; had forgot his Muff , which hung it seems behind him , and well he might be pardoned for it , for that was the first day that e're he wore a Muff ; and making more than ordinary haste , it hapned that his new Muff lighted just underneath his Masters Name-sake , viz. the Rump , and he most valiantly discharg'd all into it ; and so when he had done ( though he did not know what he had done ) come out of the little House into the Yard , and as he was going into the House , thrust his pretty hand with his Gloves on into the Muff , which he quickly smelt and put him into such a fume , that he threw his Muff and Gloves in the Womans Face , and told her that was enough to pay for the pot of Ale , and so went away . 226. A Countrey Woman that was a bold Gossip , came to a Butchers in Oxford , and when she saw a Shoulder of Mutton hang up , she askt him what she should give him for it ? He told her two Shillings and a half : Two farts and a half , says she : Why says he , give me two farts and a half and thou shalt have it : Say'st thou so Boy , says she , Why then have at it ; then she lifted up her pretty right leg , and let a good one ; Well , says he , there 's one ; then sweet soul , she lifted up her left leg , and let another as good ; then lifting up her two legs one after another , she let a lusty one ; Well , says he , there 's three , but where 's the half one ? Why , says she , take which half you will of the last , for that was a rowsing one . 227. A Lord in this Kingdom , that it seems by mistake , had sealed to something that day , for which he was very much troubled , at last , after some vexation and grief for it , he call'd up his man into the Chamber to him , saying , Tom was not I a Fool to do as I did to day ? Yes truly were you , my Lord , says he , you were an arrant fool for it . Sirrah , says he , though I call my self Fool , I don't allow you to do it too ; and so kickt him out of doors . 228. An ancient Justice of Peace was chid by a Neighbour Justice , for marrying a young Girl ; Peace Brother , says he , hold thy tongue , she 'll be a Woman to morrow ; for , says he , Wives are young mens Mistresses , middle aged mens Companions , and old mens Nurses ; and will you blame a man to have a Nurse in his old age ? No , says he , I don't blame you to have a Nurse , but I do blame you , that you are not provided for Heaven , but that your Wife must do it : Why , says he , don't you know whither all Cuckolds go ? O , says he , now you put me in mind on 't , 't is true ; I have heard your Wife say many years ago , that she was confident her husband would go to heaven , and now I find which way ; and mum for that my dear Brother too . 229. One was saying , That those men which do affect gravity , did seldom speak when any was a telling them a story , but only wag the head : but another told him he was confident they do as we do our Bottles that is shake 'em to try if they have any wit in their heads to give answer to their speech : but a third said , he thought that all those who wagg'd their heads , did it only but in waggery . 230. Two Gentlemen it seems one night quarrelled at gaming , and over-night one sent the other a challenge to meet him by Six a clock to morrow morning at such a place , upon his honour : Hang honour , says he , for we both are but worshipful ; and withall tell him , 't is not my custom ( and I also know 't is not his ) to rise before Eleven or Twelve a Clock , and bid him consider with himself whether we should break our rest to break our limbs ? The other sent him word , that if he did not meet him , he 'd Post him . Well , says he , tell him if he does , I 'll ride Post out of Town , and there stay till his fury is over . So we see that some are in post-haste to fight , and some in post-haste to ride away . 231. One askt another of his Companions at a Coffee-house , What was the meaning of this Proverb , viz. The City for wealth and the Country for health ? He told him it was preposterous , for you know there 's more Healths drank in the City than in all the Country agen . Why , says he , that makes for the Proverb , for if they drink away their healths they can never be well : but the truth is , that the wealth of the Country being brought into the City , is the occasion of so much drinking of Healths . 232. Also there 's another Proverb which speaks very p●t , viz. Sleep without supping , and health will follow : yet I must ingeniously confess , that I never saw a man sup in his sleep , Yes , says t'other , 't is many suppings many times that makes him sleep ; and commonly after supping a great many healths do follow . 233. One was saying , That the body is more drest than the soul ; But I deny that , says his Friend , for the Body and Soul of a Goose are both drest alike , and together ; and the Body of a Sole-fish is not drest by piece-meals , but altogether : Truly , says t'other , I think you are solely in the right ; Nay t is true , I would not so-lie as you do every day for a great deal . 234. A good and vertuous Woman was told by a Lawyers Clerk , that lived in that Country-Town where she dwelt , That when he was at London last , there was a Law made , that all labouring men that were Cuckolds , were to have four pounds a year allow'd them out of the Shire where they liv'd . Well , says she , this is comfortable news , I am sure my poor husband take as much pains as any man , and four pounds a year will do us a courtesie these hard times . Then she askt him how many times doing would make a man a Cuckold ; He told her by this new Law three times would . Nay then , says she , I am well enough , for I am sure my poor Husband will receive his pension . Here follows some Probable Improbable Stories . 235. A great Spanish Commander , that had been in service against the Turks : when he came home , he told such a loud lie before the Council of Spain , that all lookt upon it as ridiculous , but impudent in him to tell it there ; then the Council put him out , and call'd in one of the Captains , who did not only second what his Commander had said , but told a louder lie ; for which he was rebuk't by one of the Council , for telling such a notorious untruth : O my Lord , says he , you must pardon me , I do but my duty in following my Commander . Then they told him he had out-done his Commander : The more is my honour and glory then ; says he , and I hope the King will pay me well for it . 236. In a Discourse at Table , wherein they chiefly treated of strange things , and one among them said , that he had a piece of the Hawthorn-Tree in a Box , which always bloom'd on Christmass day for many years together , and at last was robb'd of it by some of the Parliament Forces , and could never get it agen : Why , says one , how could it live and bloom as you say , without some earth , or the Suns influence ? Why , says he , d' ye think if it have that vertue to bloom on Christmass-day , that it had not the vertue also to bloom without the help of the Sun or earth ? and so let out some Oaths to confirm it . 237. But another being by to fit him in his Story ; and to make it appear to be truth ( as you know it was ) began to confirm what t'other had said , with some Oaths too ) For , says he , I my self have seen that Hawthorn-Tree bloom a Hundred Christmas-day , and if I should say a Hundred more , I should not lie ; and I went once thither when they were come to the Berries , which were red , hard and laoge ; and so took some of them and button'd me a Suit and Coat with it , as the fashion is now ( for you know our fashion in England for Cloaths never alters ) and when I and some others were at Church together upon Christmass-day in the morning , little thinking of it about Ten of the Clock precisely ( he swore ) that the branches sprung out so fast and so thick , that he was covered all over with them ; insomuch that he lookt as if he had been in a Wood , and so heavy they were upon him , that he could not stir till one went out of the Church and fetcht an Axe , and cut away all the Boughs , that he might see his way out ; and when they had done , he went home in this posture to his lodging ; and swore also , that there was as much Wood cut off as serv'd him all that Winter for fewel to his Chamber ; But how ever , says he , I had rather be at the charge of Wood , then to be served so agen . But Gentlemen I tell you this to confirm what that worthy Gentleman told you before ? whereas you were in doubt for a great while whether it was truth or no : but I hope there 's no doubt now , and so swore it agen . 238. Then another told a Story that a Miller had a Horse for many years together , whose name was Roan , and being tired with working all day , poor Jade , slept soundly at night ; which a thievish Fellow espying , flay'd off his Skin , whilest he slept , and went away with it : But Old Roan when he awak't , ( though 't was a bitter cold night ) yet poor thing he came home to the Mill-door and neighed very loud , which the honest Miller hearing awak't his Wife , and askt her whether that was not the neighing of our Old Roan ? Truly Husband , says she , it is , let 's rise and see what 's the matter with him ; and when they came out , they wondred to see him in such a pickle : Well Husband , says she , since 't is as 't is , I 'd have you kill Five or Six of your Sheep ( and to morrow being Market day , we can sell their Flesh there ) and take all the Skins and clap 'em hot upon poor Roan ; which he presently did with his dear Wives help , and clapt them hot upon the Horses flay'd Back ; which with the cold night were presently froz'd on , and the Horse as well or rather better in health than ever he was in his life , and I am sure you 'll say warmer : And this Horse , says he , they kept for many years after , and every year it brought him Thirty Tod of Wool : And I hope you will believe it ; but if you don't believe it I pray take notice , that I am not bound to find you stories and belief too . Then they all concluded it was true — lie so . 239. Another swore most plentifully , That he saw a Lobster kill a Hare upon Salisbury Plain ; then they all began to think indeed that was a lie , till he very discreetly told them how it was ; for the Lobsters that are taken at Weymouth , Southampton , and upon the Sea-coasts thereabouts , are presently convey'd in Panniers into the Midland Country , and by the way on Salisbury Plain did drop a very good Lobster , and a Hare a little after came close to the lobster : which the Lobster feeling , with his Claw presently catcht him fast by the foot , and so kill'd him ; and swore also that they put it into a Pie , and both bak't together ( but I don't mean with the skin and the shell on ) then you'd think 't a lie indeed ; and so sent up to London , and eaten there . 240. Another swore pretty largely too , That he knew a Hare , that after he was taken and garbaged , did give the Dogs a Chase for five or six miles together ; then they ●ay'd out all 't was a loud lie : No : says he , it can't be a loud lie , for it seems you don't allow it . Yes , says they , we do allow it for a lie : But says he , I do avow it for truth ; and thus it was , for the Hare being tied to a Hunts-mans Saddle in a string , it happened that the string slipt , and the Hare in the string hung down between the Horse Legs upon the Ground , and the Horse being metttlesome , gallopt away with the Hare at his heels , and the Dogs marcht after ; but the truth was , the Man could not hold the Horse in : Nay then , say they , this may be impossibly probable . 241. Another very sober Man told a story ; That once he went a coursing alone with a Grey-hound Bitch , that was great with Whelp ; and having started a Hare , it hapned the Hare went through a Muse in a Hedg , where a Carpenter had hid his Axe , lying it seems with the edge upwards : and so the Hare being with young , in going through that Muse , cut her belly with the edge of the Axe ; and then out started 8 young Hares , and began to run immediately ( as you know some Hares will , before they are kindled ) but the Grey-hound Bitch suddenly following the Hare through the very same Muse , by chance cut her Belly also , and out came Eight Whelps , Which eight Whelps ran after the eight young Hares , and the Bitch after the Old Hare , and kill'd 'em at all . Now , says he to them , Some nice people may take this for a lie , but I think 't is as probable as any of the rest , because the wonder is greater : that there should be but just the number of Eight Whelps and Eight young Hares , and if true , Probatum est . 242. Another Story was , That he being in a Low-room , with some other Gentlemen a dringing a Bottle of Ale ; he saw the Man of the House open a Bottle , and the Cork flew up with such a Violence , that it strook his Hat off his Head , and after that went through the Cieling of that Room , and another Room above that , which was two pair of Stairs high , and kill'd a Men and his Wife as they lay in Bed , and from thence flew up into the Garret , and they could not get it out with a Hammer and Mallet , 234. Sir , says another , to make good your Story , which I saw with my own Eyes that being with some others in an upper Room , one was then opening a Bottle of Ale , and the Cork then flew up with such a violence thorow the Top of the House ; that it broke the Cieling and Tiles also , and kill'd a Kite as he was flying just then over the House ; and the hole was so big which the Cork had made , that down fell the Kite thorow the hole , and they opening the Kite to see where she was wounded , found two great Chickens in her Belly , which they sold to pay for their Drink , and after that would never drink in any other Room in that House : but I don't know that it ever hapned so agen ; for these things , though there be truth in 'em , don't happen every day so . 244. Another began to tell them his Story ( which he swore was of a certain , as you know all these things are : ) For , says he , I was riding to Saint Albans , and riding through a Lane , that was of stiff clay , as I was galloping , my Horses foot sticking in , pluckt off shoe and hooff too , and so I gallopt on for three or four Miles : and my horse never complained , that I never saw a horse that gallopt so well on three legs in my life ; at length he began to limp , then I lighted to see what he ailed , and found both shoe and hooff gone ; so fearing to pay for the horse ; got presently up agen ; and gallopt as fast as I could drive , and fortunately my Horse leg lighted agen in the same place , and pull'd up hooff shoe and all , which was better fastened then when I came out ; and so I performed my journy , and got that night as far as I rid . 245. Another , whom all the Town knew to be as far from telling a lie as the London Clocks , and so gave the more ear to him ; swore , that he had travelled all over Germany , and at Auspurg a great City there , he saw a man that had a Nose so big , that he could not hear himself sneeze : Sure , says one of the Company , this can't be an honest man ? Yes , says he , he was accounted an honest man , and was also a Burgomaster ; but , says he , I am sure he was a Knave . Pray , explain your self , says t'other : Why , says he , I believe he has heen in the Pillory , and so by consequence had lost his Ears . Ergo. 246. Another very learnedly said , That he saw two men ride down a hill together a great pace , and of a sudden the first horse stopt in the mid-way ; which gave the formost such a jerk , that he threw him quite out of the Saddle backwards , that he lighted a stride behind the hindmost man ; and his coming so forcibly upon him struck the hindmost man off his own upon the first Horse , which stood still , and all in an instant : Truly , says one , 'T is strange if it be true . Truly , says t'other , 't is not so strange as true . 247. A Gentleman that had more mind to have store of Money than to have a Wife , yet he found he could no way supply himself so well as that way , unless he sold some of his Estate ; at length he was told by his friend , that he might have a Gentlewoman with Fifteen hundred pounds , but she was ugly : Faith , says he , though my occasions are very great for Money , yet I would be content with half the Money till I fetch away the Bride . 248. A Gentleman did advise a Kinsman of his to marriage , for Marriage frees a Man from all care : for then the Wife takes all upon her : which a married Man that fate by hearing , said , Yes a pox on her , so does my Wife take all upon her that comes to hes . 249. A Vintner being broke , was it seems forc'd to set up an Ale-House in the Suburbs , and being askt why he did discredit himself so much , to leave off Win● to sell Beer and Ale ? He told him the chie● reason was because he lov'd a Countryman better than a Stranger ; for Beer and Ale are my Country-men , but Wine 's a Stranger : but the Gentleman told him he did not well , for he must make much of any Stranger that comes within his gates : So will I that , says he , when I get it within my gates agen ; I 'll make more of it than I did ; nay much more ; because I would not break the Command . 250. One did advise a Noble man that must live high ( yet had no great estate to bear it out ) that he should do well to be only attended with Blackmores , which would ease him of a vast charge , especially if he should put all his family in mourning , for 't is but turning of them naked at that time and they are in mourning in a trice . Why , says the Lord , that will be a shame for 'em to go along the streets so . No , no , my Lord , says he , 't is natural for Moors to go naked ; for more goes so than clothed . 251. A Country Gentleman askt a wise man , when he saw a fellow abuse him and spurn at him , why he did not spurn at him agen ? Why truly , says he , I think I should do very indiscreetly in so doing ; for if an Ass should kick me , must I needs kick bim agen ? 252. A Gentleman being in a great Assembly of Gentlemen at a great Dinner , one askt why he would not live in London in the Winter ; where he should find all sorts of company to fit his humour ? Faith , says he , so I would , if I could find a house fit for my turn . One , whose name was Chambers , thinking to abuse him , told him he could help him to a house that had three Rooms of a floor ; but it was built of Wood : He askt him where it was . He told him at Tyburn . 'T is true indeed , says the Gentleman , 't is a convenient house , and stands in a good air ; for in an hour it cures people of all Diseases : and for a house that is but one story high 't is a fine house indeed ; but I find there 's no want in it but Chambers : Tarbox for that Sir. 253. A Gentleman travelling into Norfolk by chance lost his way ; and coming into a Village , and seeing a man standing at his door , askt him which was the next way to Norwich ? The man ( as many would do ) askt him from whence he came ? What 's that to you , says he , from whence I come ? You say true indeed , says the man , 't is nothing to me , whence you come nor whither you go : and with that whipt in and shut the door upon the Gentleman , who else would have whipt his Jacket for him . So he did advise all his friends , if ever they travell'd into Norfolk , never to call at that mans house , which he poor heart thought a great punishment for him . 254. A Company of confident Blades were each of 'em bragging what they durst do , and how they wou'd go upon any exploit . Puh , says one among 'em , ye are all Cowards to me ; for I dare go where a Prince cannot send his Embassador : Then they askt him where that was ? He said , To go to stool ; for though an Embassador represents the Kings person , yet he cannot do his Business for him that way . Yes , yes , says they , we smell your conceit , and therefore think you a Fanatick ; for it savours too much of the Rump . 255. A man pays very dear for things that are good cheap ; because it tempts him to buy those things which he has no need of : but if he has no need of 'em , why does he buy ' em ? he was told because they were cheap : Why , says t'other , how can they be cheap when he paid too dear for them . 256. A Man when he is married turns his walking-Staff into a fixt Stake , for then his condition is not ambulatory but setled and fixt ; that is ( as I humbly conceive ) if he be fixt to a good Woman , if not , then all the months in the year may be March to him ; that is may be blustring , which will certainly put him into a marching condition agen , 257. A Gentleman was saying , That Wine , Women , and Play , does undo Men laughing ; but by his favour , I cannot submit to his opinion therein , but do flatly deny it : for Play does undo Men by Cursing , Fretting , Swearing and Duelling ; nay , some fret so much that the tickling frets of an Instrument would never compose ' em ' 258. One said that he saw a Man cut a Purse , and gave it to his Wife to wear , which she did hang by her side : But , says he , if you should cut a Purse , you may hang by the side of the Gallows ; and though the Purse is so civil to them , as to keep safe whatsoever is put in , yet whensoever they would ha 't out agen , they are so uncivil to pluck the Purse by the ears to open it , and at all times do almost starve him ; for they tie up his mouth from eating . 259. A Gentleman lying in a Lodging in Westminster , had a Shock Dog which came up into his Chamber where he was , where it seems a Cat had kitten'd ; then the Cat flew upon the Dog , and the Dog at her agen : Let 'em alone , says another , I 'll warrant you the Dog will stand a shock or two with the Cat : Faith , says he , if he does , I 'll bake a shock of Wheat into excellent Bread for him : And then he 'll be a well-bread Dog too . 260. When a Citizen was by accident in Tower street burnt to death by Powder , a Gentleman said he had eaten so much powdered Beef that day that he was all in a flame : and though he was blown up , yet I 'll assure you no broken Citizen : for he was found whole , and in another hole was put the next day . 261. A Gentleman tacitely drank the Kings Health in Olivers days , by drinking a Health to Oliver C. that is O live C. R. and likewise at another time drank the Kings Health as tacitely , when he drank a Health to the King of the Jews , viz. I. Ireland , E. England , W. Wales , and S. Scotland , which Four Letters put together make up the word Jews ; and several of the Parliament Officers drank it also , not knowing what they did when they drank it . 262. When a London Scriv'ner died in Oxford in the time of the Sickness , a merry Jack writ this over him : May all by these presents know , that I that have bound so many , am now fast bound my self : by the means of a Gentleman of an Ancient Family , call'd Mr. Death , who brought me my last Sheet , and to my last period or fulpoint ; and though I was never guilty of any great wickedness , yet I liv'd not without many a blot , which my Daughter Pen was the occasion of : I gave no ill example to any , but rather give good Copies unto all : I was learned too , for I always dealt in good Letters , and was a Justice of Peace in my own Dominions ; and though I could hang , yet I could draw ; yet I could hang an Arse when my own Money was to be paid : and I made all Bond men hut my Prentices , for them I made free : and after I had writ up all my Letters , this Mr. Death threw some Dust upon 'em ; and as one dash of my Pen hath ruin'd many , so my Daughter Pen , hath ruin'd her self : But this naughty Mr. Death assaults me with Bills when I was making of Bonds , and at last seal'd the Letters of my Eyes quite up ; and then sent me away Tom-long home . 263. There was one Munday a Cutler in Shoe-lane , that hang'd himself , but it was no boot for him to do ' it , for he never recovered after : And when the People came in they found a Knife in the House to cut the Rope , upon which the Common Council of that place made an Act presently , that Tuesday should begin the Week ; since Munday ( a Rope take him ) hath hang'd himself , that is the cause that all the Cutlers in that place never works of a Munday : It may be that was the occasion also among the Shoe-makers , because they call Munday the Shoe-makers Holy-day , and they don't make Holy-days for nothing . 264. A Goldsmith it seems was formerly brought into the Star-Chamber for false Gold and Silver , for which they fin'd him 100 l. and about a Twelve Month after 100 l. more and a Year after that 100 l. more : then says he , My Lords , I see that you have fin'd me , and fin'd me agen , and refin'd me ; but it seems you can't do so to my Metal , that nothing can melt me down in your sense . They told him if they could not melt him , they 'd melt his purse so , that it should run quite out at last : But my Lords , says he , as the Cobler says , my Last is not come yet . 265. An Honest Man , that was a true Cavalier , was when he came from the Wars , so reduc'd , that he was forc'd to turn Ale-Draper , and his Sign was the Rose and Crown ; and in 1649 , the Rump forc't him to blot out the Crown , but left the Rose still , as they thought , to prick his Fingers ; and when the King was restored , then he put on the Crown agen , and writ underneath , The Case is alter'd . 266. A Simpleton , that was brought in by power in Olivers days to be a Fellow of a Colledge in Oxford , his Father being then made a Baron of Olivers , he would never name his Father or Mother to any body , but he would say , My Lord the Baron my Father , and my Lady the Baronness my Mother ; for which he was rebukt by some of their own party who were asham'd to hear him say so . But a Gentleman told 'em they did erre in rebuking of him , and told 'em also , that he had spoken nothing but truth , for he was truly descended from them both ( his Father also was counted none of Solomons Bastards neither ) and thus I will riddle it to you : first from the Baron , because he was a bare one in Judgement ; and then from the Baronness , because he had a great barenness in his Wit : Indeed Sir , says the Simpleton , I think you have defined it very well , I wish I may have that grace but to be as you say : Yes Ass I say , I protest Sir , that 's a pretty joke : that belongs to me too , do's it not ? Yes , yes . Then he fell out a laughing heartily , and rubbing his hands ; saying , Sir your servant , your servant , your servant in Folio : Yes , says he , in Foolio indeed ; and so they parted . 267. An honest Cavalier had a devillish Round head to his Wife , which did discover all his Secrets and Actions to the then pretended Parliament , which made him ask a Friend of his , what was the best cure for a Round-head , He told him to let him do as if his right hand offended him , for desperate Diseases must have desperate Cures . 268. A great number both of Seamen and Souldiers deing in a great Ship together this last Summers ingagement , one of them , when he saw 'em cast Anchor , askt the Master and his Mate , whether the Ship were sick or not ? They askt him his reason ? He said because it spew'd . How shew'd ? says they : Why does it not spew when it doth cast ? Cast what ? Why Anchor : Yes indeed , says the Master , we did cast Ann Car over-board , after she died . 269. A Gallant that had a very great mind to be married , but more for Moneys sake than for any thing else ; at last a Gentleman of his acquaintance , hearing by a Letter from a Friend of his in the Country , found out one presently , as he thought a great match for him , seeing he aim'd at nothing but Mony , and so went to him and acquainted him that he had found out a very great match for him ; For , says he , I know your temper , and she hath 8000 l. to her Portion , but she is sufficiently ugly : which he hearing shrug'd up his Shoulders , and said : Indeed Sir I do confess the Money is a very good match : Indeed , says t'other , I think you have met with your match now : It may be says he , I have met with my match but not with my Wife ; for I 'll see her as low as her 8000 l. was from whence it came at first , before I 'll have any thing to do with such a bow'd token . 270. One askt a Gentleman why he staid and walkt so long in that dirty field ? He told him because it was very Civil and courteous to him , and more than he did deserve or desire ; for at every step the dirt did invite him to stay . Yes , says t'other , I believe so ; for it seems 't was a good stay to you : for I did not see you fall . 271. A Gallant , when he saw that he could not make a young woman to love him , askt her the reason ? She told him because his face was so devillish ugly . How , says he , my face ugly ? d' ye know what you say ? for I know it can't be : And I 'll assure ye I had my choice of twenty faces this morning , and therefore you may presume that I would not make choice of the worst . That is , his Looking-glass was broke into so many pieces . 272. A Vaporing Coxcomb , introducing himself , as he did always , into all Companies where pretty Ladies were , was telling the Ladies how such a one gave him a Ring , and t'other a Favour , and t'other a Kiss , and abundance more ; which a Gentleman that knew him very well , knew that he lied in all he said : and so whipt him in such terms that he did not understand : For , says he , Ladies you must believe this Gentleman ; for I have often been in his company , and among very pretty Ladies too , and they hove lov'd him so well , that they doated upon his very absence ; and when many times be intruded himself among them , they would desire him to bestow his absence upon them . Law you there now Ladies , will you believe me another time ? says he . 273. A Man advised a Gentleman to marry that Woman , though she was unhandsome , for her moneys sake . No , says he , I protest I would not marry her , though she were endowed with all that Adam had left him before he transgrest : Why says he , you may have that Land behind our Hop-yard too , and some where else , which was never any of Adams Portion : How , says he , what d' ye mean ? Why goodman fool , says he , 't is Eve's Jointure as I mean : Truly , says t'other , I never knew that till now . 274. A Gentleman , that had as I hear , been long a Suitor to a young Lady , whose Father was a Knight , and at that time High Sheriff of the County ; and after they had long disputed about the Portion , it happened that the Sheriff had summon'd the County together upon some urgent occasion , into a Common three or four Miles off , and there did appear upon a very brave Horse , which the young Gentleman that was a Suitor to his Daughter was much in love withal , and did desire that he would bestow that Horse upon him ; the Knight told him that he would not part from him ; then he desired to buy him : but he told him plainly that no Money should buy him : Why then , says he in a fume , you may keep your Daughter : and so rode away : But about three months after he took it into consideration , and thought he had done very indiscreetly , and went again to the Knights House , and as he was riding into the Gate , a Maid of the House spy'd him , and went and told her young Mistress ; who bid her shut the Door fast and lock it too : A little after the Gentleman comes to the door and knocks , and the young Lady being a t'other side , askt who was there ? He said , Madam a faithful Servant of yours : Sir , says she , I don't know you , and I dare not let any body in now my Father 's from home ; for we had a-great Robbery committed lately hard by at this time a day : Why Madam , says he , don't you know me ; I am such a man that loves you dearly I protest : O Sir , says she , is it you ? I do remember about six months ago that here was such a one indeed that was in love with my Fathers Horse : and so flung away , and would not suffer the Door to be opened , nor never would admit of any more of his addresses to her : That it seems he was at last contented to march off without Lady or Horse either . 275. A Man in a bitter cold Winter night was passing through the Street , and seeing all a Bed , and no Candle in any Window neither : then bethought himself of this project ▪ for he then went up and down crying Fire , Fire , which made several come to the Windows : They askt him where ? where ? He told then that he did not know , for if he did , he would go to 't to warm himself : For , says he , I am devillish cold . 276. Several Men being merry together , and among other discourse , were praising their Wives : Faith , says a Fellow , that had a devillish scold to his Wife , My Wife is as brave a Woman as any is in England , all but her Tongue : Why do'st not cut it out , says another : No , no , says he , by no means ; for I have heard say that if you lop a Tree , it takes the faster root , and hy consequence there will more branches come out : which will be stronger than those before : and who can tell but it may be so with my dear Wife's Tongue , if I should cut it . 277. A merry Wagg at Woluecot near Oxford , met a Country-man going thither with a Goose to sell ; but he had agreed with a Comrade of his to say 't was an Owl : So he askt him how he sold his Owl ? He said it was a Goose , and t'other an Owl ? So they argued a good while together , at last says the Wagg , We 'll be tried by the next man we meet : Content , says the Country-man ; and if he says 't is a Goose , then you shall give me half a Crown for the Goose , and I 'll keep it too . Content , says the Wagg . So going on , they met as by accident , his aforesaid Comrade ; and after some debate , he plainly said it was an Owl : and so they got the Goose . So the Country-man as he went along , began at last to think he was cheated ; and was resolved to study for a revenge ; and about a Week after he comes to Oxford agen , and brought a Pot of supposed Honey with him to sell ; So the Wagg spying him in the Market , askt him how he sold his Honey ? He said it was Sir-reverence . T'other said 't was Honey , but the man said 't was Tu — and so they argued a great while ; at last he bought it of him , saying , Let it be what it will I 'll buy it : and when he came home to open it , he found it was true that the man said , only the top for an inch deep cover'd with Honey : and when he had got his money , thought he to himself now I am quit with you ; for the Case is All turd : 278. On some occasion , Oliver had sent for a Minister , and did much revile him and abuse him ; that he put the poor Minister to a stand what to say : At last Oliver putting off his Cap , and the Minister spying his bald Pate : Truly , says he , I will not reproach you , nor revile you , as you have done to me , but I hope you 'll give me leave to commend your Hair for leaving so bad a Head. 279. In the Rumps time there were a many worthy Men , that were made Justices of the Peace , and among which this one , which it seems formerly had been a Tradesman ; and when a Man and a Woman was brought before him for some offence : Says the Reverend Justice , Where 's your reverence : to me , d' ye come in here without bowing ? D' ye know who I am ? Then Sirrah , says he , what Woman is that you brought with you ? says he , An 't please your Honour , 't is my Wife before God : How you Rogue , says he , d' ye swear ? first lay down your 12 d. for swearing , and then go un : Sir , says he , I dare not go on ; for if this be swearing , I fear I shall so often swear , that I shall have no Money to defray it ; and so retired with his Wife . 280. Another Mad Fellow being brought before this Renowned Justice , in the morning before his Worship had drank his mornings draught , and to that end there stood a Silver Beaker of Ale , Nutmeg , and Suger ready , and after his Examination , says the Justice to him . Is this true what they say against you ? ( the Fellow being a t'other side the Table ) True Sir , says he , and with that whipt into his hand the Silver Beaker afore-said , and said , If it be true , I wish this Beaker may never go through me ; and so drank it up : Now Sir , says he , I hope you will not believe them , but me hereafter . 281. A Gentleman in King James's days , that was a Servant to him , was a very fat Man , and the King it seems took delight in his comyany for his dry Jests now and then ; and would often come and lean upon his Shoulder ; but one time it seems lean'd a little harder than ordinary , that this fat Gentleman began to puff and blow : which the King observing , yet would take no notice of it ; but the Gentleman finding the weight a little too heavy , said , I beseech your Majesty not to lean upon the Cushion too hard , least you burst out the Feathers . 282. A Notable Fellow , that as 't is said , would not be drunk above seven days in the week ; and when he was drunk , was so besotted that he knew not what he did : Once his Prentice was sent by his Wife to fetch him home and when he found him out he found him reeling-ripe also : and as they came down Ludgate-Hill , in a Moon-shiny night , saw the reflection of the Bell-Savage sign-post upon the ground , and it seems took it for a Block , and went to lift his Leg over it , his Prentice having him by the Arm for his supporter , askt what he meant by that ? Why , says he , to go over this Block ? He told him 't was not a Block ; What is it then says he ? 'T is a Sign , says the Boy : What Sign I prithee ? Why Master 't is a Sign you are drunk . 283. Another Night the same Boy was his guide home agen , or else he had took up new Lodgings in the Counter that , night ? and as he was passing by Fleet-Conduit , when it was standing , where the Water did continually run out of a Cock from thence ; this reverend Sot coming to the Conduit , told the Boy he must piss , and did piss against the Conduit , close by where the Water Cock ran ; and after he had stood there a pretty while , his Boy told him 't was late and pray'd him to come home : What you Rogue , says he , wou'd you have me bepiss my Breeches ? Do you hear how I piss still ? Thinking that the Cock running was his Pissing : The Boy told him he had done , 't was the Cock that ran . Say you so , says he , in troth I thought I had pist all this while : So went as well as he could home with the Boy . 284. Another remarkable Drunkard , that always when he went abroad ; would have hanging by his side a great short Hanger in a Leather Belt ; and one time having been at it till he was red hot with tippling ; he and his Companions paid the Reckoning , and having laid by his Dagger , when he was going away , instead of the Dagger put the end of his Leather Belt into the ear of a Chamber-pot , half full of Piss , and so fastened it to his side , and so marcht out into the Streets , and every step some Piss would slop out ; which set the Peaple in the Street into a laughter , and came flocking about him : and he thinking that they came to abuse him , went to reach his Dagger , but instead of that laid hold of the Chamber-pot and threw all the Piss in the Peoples Faces ; and so by that found his Error , and then went back for his Dagger . 285. Another , that was a very great Glutton , yet forsooth had a great mind to be married ; that is , to marry a very rich Widow : and to that end , by his Letters got admittance , and when he came , she saw the man was comely enough , and well clad ; but seeing him two or three times feed so largely , she askt a friend of hers what he was ? He said he was a great Glutton ; and when he came to speak to her about the matter , he protested he lov'd her as well as he did his own Soul. By my troth Sir , says she , but I had rather you loved me as well as you love your Body . 286. Some Gallants were sitting merrily a drinking a Pot of nappy Ale ; wherein they had several Discourses of Experiments ; but one of them said , that he could demonstrate it so , that though there was four sides of a House that stands alone , yet there 's a way to make it rain but on one side : then they desire him to tell them , he said he would for two Pots ; Content , say they ; then he told them . You know though there 's four sides of a House , yet there is really but two ; that is , the outside and the inside , so that if you can keep it from raining in , it will rain only on the outside ; Probatum est . Well , say they , to make good your conceit , we are resolved to seize the two Pots which we have lost ; and we will so order the matter , that there 's none of that in the pots shall enter into your inside ; we 'll so stop them . 289. A Countrey-woman that lived at Headington near Oxford , and upon a Sunday , she being not well , bid her Maid go to Church that afternoon , and after Sermon was done , her Dame askt her what was the Text ( She said , Truly forsooth Dame the Text was said before I came . Well , says she , what said he in the middle of his Sermon ? Truly , says she , I was asleep then . Well what did he say at the latter end then ? Indeed forsooth , says she , I went away before 't was done . Well , howsoever I will have you tell me something of it . What , says she , d' ye think I am a Blab of my Tongue ? No I warrant you , I was better bred than so . 290. A precise Woman undertook to chastise her Daughter , and charg'd her to look no more upon Men ; but instead of that , when you are in their Company you must still look upon the Ground : No , Mother , says she , I beg your Pardon for that , for I see you don 't read the Bible often ; For we ought to look upon men from whence we came , and they on the ground from whence they came . And if I should not look upon 'em , how should I know whether I like them or no : and Mother I have often heard when were a Maid , that you never went to Church , but to shew your fine Cloaths , and to look upon young Men. Well thou hast convinced me , prethee Child take thy course . 291. A Gentleman coming to London immediately after the Fire , and coming to Fleet-street , there took notice how far the Fire had burnt , which was just to the Hercules Pillars , and no farther : Well , says he , 't is very much that the Fire should take notice of that saying of Hercules , viz. Ne plus ultra . 292. A Man it seems that had to his Wife as good a Woman as any was in England , but for Whoring , Lying , Swearing , Nastiness , and other such small infirmities , which made him define a Woman rightly as he thought . Says he , Women are born in Wiltshire , brought up in Cumberland , lead their lives in Bedfordshire , ( that is be in Cloth-fair near Smithfield , till twelve a Clock every day ) then bring their Husbands to Buckinghamshire , and die in Shrewsbury . 293. A humorous Gallant that kept two Boys , and they having committed some fault , he told 'em , he 'd kill 'em both ; but when he saw they were afraid , he would do them some Mischief , he call'd 'em to him , saying , first to one — Sirrah , you shall live , because you are little , and you Sirrah , because you are no bigger , and both because — you are but two : As I live , says one of them , my Master speaks very well . 294. A very rich Miser's Son , riding upon the High-way , was met by a Boy that was in great distress , and begg'd his charity : For Sir , says he , I cannot help my self ; and I am Fatherless besides : Get you gon you Rogue , says the good natur'd Gentleman what d' ye jeer me : Is that a fault Sirrah ? for I would think it a great happiness that I were Fatherless ▪ For thou grievest for thy Fathers death , and if thou do'st think it a great loss to thee , I 'll be so charitable to thee , as to feed thee with good wishes ; that is , I wish my Father had excus'd thine . 295. A Gallant had marcht in a bitter cold night up and down several streets to get him a Lodging , but no body would open to him , some perhaps not knowing him , and some perchance too well : at last he bethought himself of getting a Lodging a new kind of way , and so went to the Watch at Temple-Bar , and there call'd 'em all Rogues and other vile names , for which they had him to the Counter ; the next morning he was brought before the Alderman of the Ward , and he said to him , Methinks you look something like a Gentleman , pray what was the reason to abuse the Constable and his Watch thus without a cause ? Truly Sir , says he , I will tell you the truth ; I had gone from Street to street that bitter night to get some Lodging , but could find none : at last I thank 'em they brought me to the Counter , where I had a good ●●re , good Drink , and a good Bed ; for which courtesie I do here give them a Crown : and this I 'll assure you Sir was the cause and nothing else : And so he made his release . 296. Some Prentices in London , being indeed one Christmas to act a Play , when they were perfect , they came to a grave Citizen , and desired him to lend them his Cloaths to Act in a Play : No , says he , no body shall play the fool in my Cloths but my self . 297. A Gallant thought to put a trick upon one ( that he thought simple ) before great Company in a Room , but he prov'd a subtile Fellow , and as you 'll find baffled him . The question was , that he askt him , How old he was ? He said ever since he was born & twenty Weeks before : Then he askt him how he knew that ? Why , says he , that 's a question only to be askt of my Mother and the Midwife : for surely I don 't well remember it : Then he askt him how old he was since he was Christned ? He told him he could not tell : Why , says the Gallant , that 's much methinks , for I am sure you were there your self : Yes , says he , I was there , but I am sure you were not , because you never was at any Christning , not christned your self ; His Father being an Anabap ist . 298. Two Brothers that were Scholars in one Colledge and Bedfellows , did love the tossing of the pot so much ; that after all their Books weae well sold and pawn'd , then went their Cloths ; so that they had but one Suit , Hat , Gown , and Shoes and Stockings : so that one went abroad with the Cloths ; and t'other lay a-bed ; and so they releas'd each other day by day : at last their Father comes to Town , and sends for his two Sons ; the one came : He askt where his Brother was ? He told him he was to declaim to morrow , and was providing for it : then the next day the other Brother came , and his Brother took up his quarters in the Bed : and so they serv'd their Father two or three days ; and then he went to their Chamber privately and knockt , and when he was in , he found the other in Bed : At last he found the cause and removed them to another Tutor , who lookt better after them . 299. A Fellow was by the Judge condemned to lose his Ears for Perjury , and after he had stood long in the Pillory , the Jailor was coming to cut off both his Ears , and when he went to lay hold on 'em , found nothing but the places where they had been . What a pox , says the Jaylor , you Rogue d' ye abuse me ; to put me to the trouble and charge to cut off your Ears , and now all is ready you have no Ears you Dog ? Well , says he , I 'll go to the Judge 〈…〉 thou wert condemned before for Perjury , but now I 'll indite thee for Cousenage . Why friend , says the man , the Order runs that I should lose my Ears : but it does not bind me to find you Ears to cut off : I think I have done you a courtesie , seeing I have saved you so much labour . 300. There 's a Proverb which says , Two heads are better than one ; which made a Boy it seems bid his Father , when he went to buy some Sheep , to take their Dog with him : For , says he , he that you are to deal withal is a crafty fellow ; and though 't is said that two heads are better than one , that is , I think he means Codsheads , when they are both scarce enough for the company ; also if both the heads be without wit , 't were better have none . 301. There 's also a Proverb , which says When the Belly is full , then the Bones should be at rest . But Mr. Proverb , I think you are mistaken in this ; for all Women that are big bellied , are the most molested with Bones , and they then are least at rest . 302. An ingenious young Man that was sent to a Boarding-School to learn Latine and to Write , and after he had been there more than two years , his Father sent him a Letter that he should write to him , that he might see how he had profited both in his Learning and his Writing ; and so very Scholastically directs his Letter to his Father thus , To my most Obedient Father , which is my Mothers Husband , at the House where they live : Says a Man to him , They won't find the House by this direction : Puh ; says he , no body but knows my Fathers House , for if I were in the Town I could find it my self and yet I have not been there this two years . And at the end he subscribed thus , I cease ever to be your Dutiful Son : and so forth . 303. Two Oxonians were in a very great dispute there concerning the Man in the Moon , whether a Gentleman or a Citizen ? and after a great deal of Pro's and Con's between them , one of them solv'd it thus , that when the Moon was at full , then there was a Gentleman in her , but when she appeared with two Horns , then he might be confident there was a Citizen in her ; and that they were lunatick that did not believe it ; the Spanish Count de Luna being at that time come to take a view of Oxford , and to confirm it . 304. An Imperious Gentlewoman intending to make a great Feast for some of her Friends and Relations , sent one of her Servants ( which formerly had been a Servitor in Oxford ) to invite those Persons to the said Feast ; and when he came back , she askt him what he had done ? Madam , says he , I have commanded them all to come . Why , you impudent Raskal , says she , I commanded you to bid ' em . Alack-a-day , Madam says he , I wonder your Ladyship should talk so strangely ; having been in the Imperative Mood so long your self , that you should not know , That to bid and command is all one there . Sirrah I bid you go out of my sight . Madam , says he , I am at your command ; and is not that all one , when your Ladiship and I so well agree . 305. One passing by the Watch at Aldgate , says the Watch men , Who 's there ? Says he , Mine Ar — then they acquainted the Constable with it , for using such unseemly Language : then says the Worshipful Mr. Constable . How dare you use such a word to them ? O Mr. Constable , says he , are you there ? Though I us'd it to them , I do confess I dare not to you ; for in truth Sir , now I have left mine Ar — behind me . Well , says the Constable , the next time you do so ▪ I will make you leave your Sword behind , and instead of casting up your sums with a pen , I shall make you do it in Counters . 306. A French-man , as I hear , coming late by Ludgate one night ; says one of the Watch to him , Stand and come before the Constable , Begar , says he , that is very pretty ; I cannot stand and come before the Constable too . Stand , I say , says another , and come before the Constable . At which the French-man laught heartily , saying , Begar des men be all ingenious , stand and come before de Constable ; at last the Constable appears , Sir , says he , whither are you going ? Begar dat's very pretty too . Mr. Constable I love you very much great deal well , cause you be so lik● my Wife ; for when I go out a door , she says , Husband whither are you going ? just like you Mr. Constable . Sir says he , Whither are you going now ? Begar Mr. Constable me be going there where you dare not go . Where 's that ? says the Constable . Why begar , says he , to bed to my own Wife Mark you dat Mr. Constable : an● st●● laught on● that the Constable to be rid , as he thought of such impertinency , let him go . 307. Two Fellows were earing of a large Dish of Porridge together , and being very hot , they would be a blowing of it ; says t'other , If you blow any more , I 'll take you a blow o' the chops . With that that the other turn'd about to the Dish , and let a rousing Fa — What a pox , says he , if you blow your porridge a that manner , you shall lap by your self . Hold your tongue , says he , or else I shall lap your sides . 308. A widdow in Oxford having been long in possession of an Inn called the Maiden-head there , and as she thought lawfully ; but another laying claim to it , they both went to Law , and her adversary overthrew her ; for which she extreamly grieved : then an ancient acquaintance of hers askt her why she griev'd so much : She told him she had lost her Maidenhead . Why , says he ; were you never married ? Yes says she , married to him that brought me this Maiden-head , but I could not keep it : so that now I find there 's a Law against keeping of Maiden-heads : for I lost it by Law. Law you now , says he , but I pray let me ask you a question , Did the loss of this Maidenhead trouble you so much as that before ? O says she , I had rather have lost that twenty times over , than this once : for that Maidenhead I can shew in the house , but the other Maidenhead is gone with the house ; and never to be retriev'd agen . 309. Henry Martin the great Rumper , for you know all Martins are Birds , and he being so , flew so high before ; but after the Kings most happy Restauration , was brought so low , as to kneel at the Bar of the Lords House ; though 't is thought he never came into the Lords House before , unless it Were to see a handsome Girl there : But at the Lords Bar he was askt what he could say , that Judgement should not pass upon him ? My Lords , says he , I understood that the Kings Proclamation extended to favour of life , upon rendring my self : which I then did : And withal , my Lords , I do let you to know , and I do ingeniously confess it , that I never obey'd any of His Majesties Proclamations before , but this : and I hope I shall not be hang'd for taking the Kings word now . 310. King James being in his Progress at Woodstock in Oxfordshire , the King finding it to rain so one morning that he could not ride a Hunting ; had got some of the Nobility and Gentry together , resolving to be merry : And one bumour was , that the King having that morning a fine curvet●ing Horse given him , which kind of Horse he never lik'd in his life ; told them , that he that could tell the greatest lie should have that Horse : So one told one lie , and another another ; and several had told others , that there was great laughing ; and just in the midst of this mirth in comes a Country Fellow , complaining to the King that some of his Servants had wrong'd him : ' Well , well , says the King , we 'll hear you of that anon : Come , come hither amongst us , and you must know that he that can tell the greatest lie shall have that horse Truly Sir , says he an 't please your Grace I never told a lie in all my life : With that says the King , Give him the Horse , give him the Horse , for I am sure that is the greatest lie that has been told to day . 311. Some Oxford Scholars when they did intend to perform that Journey called Iter Boreale went first to Worcestershire , then-through Shropshire , Cheshire , Lancashire , Westmoreland and Cumberland , and so to Dumfrees , and then to Glascow , and having seen the Western parts of Scotland came then toward the East , viz. To St. Johnsons , Dundee , St. Andrews , Edinbourgh , Dunbar , and Barwick , and so came into England East-wards : from thence to New-castle , Durham , York , Hull , and over the arm of the Sea at Hull , which is six miles broad there , into Lincolnshire , and so to Norfolk : and being in the City of Norwich at an Inn , and their Money after so long a journey running low : it seems in the morning the Landlord brought 'em up a sawcy Reckoning , which they perusing shakt their heads , and well they might , for they could not shake their Purses then : Then says the Landlord to them , Gentlemen I see you 'r Scholards , and if you can but tell me how I may be eased of a great trouble which lies upon me , I will give you a Gallon of Sack. They askt him what is was ? He told 'em , he was so infinitely troubled with Rats , that they destroyed most of the Goods in his House . Well , says the Scholars , bring up your Gallon of Wine , and we 'll give you a remedy for your trouble of the Rats , which if you follow , we 'll warrant you they 'll never trouble you more : and that is this , The first thing you must do , is to prepare a great Supper , and then invite all the Rats you have in the House to that Supper , and in the morning do but bring them up such a Bill as you have brought to us and if they trouble your House more I 'll be h●●g'● . Well Gentlemen , says he , I see you want Mony , I will , if you please to accept of it , le●d you Five Pound and excu●e you the paying of your Bill ●●ill three months after your arrival into Oxford , and before that time I 'll send my Son to receive that and the Five pound , and do intend he shall stay at what Colledge you please , but I must have one of you to be his Tutor . And about six weeks after the Son came , and was admitted into Christs-Church Colledge , of which Colledge those Iter-borealeans were : of which kindness for the Mony lent , and excusing the Bill , these Scholars made an excellent Copy of Verses , and sent it to their Landlord in Norwich and Forty Shillings to drink their Healths , which was done so to the purpose , that they were all fain to be led to Bed that night . 312. A Gentleman meeting with one of the Fallow Deer which had stray'd out of Whetson's Park , and so must needs be Fallow , because she followed him to a House where there were several others in a large Room dancing Country Dances ; and after some Dances , it was his turn to lead up a Dance ; she askt him what Dance he would call ? He said , Feeble Robin , which is an old Country Dance . No , says she , I hate that : Then he told her he would call Mall Stanhopes Delight . Yes says she , I like that : Well , says she , name some more though : W●… what say you To go to bed in the dark ? Yes , says she , that 's well enough too . Then , says he , what say you to Under and Over ? Yes , says she , that I think 's best : But first we 'll begin with Mall Stanhopes Delight , and then Go to Bed in the dark , and at last Under and Over ; and so dance them ( as the neighbours in our Alley say ) one after another . 313. An Ingenious Cavalier in Oliver's days , that was a Person of Quality , was then by the Protectors Order put into the Tower , and after he had been there a pretty while , says the Lievtenant of the Tower to him , Sir I hope you like your Cheer well , for I endeavour to provide the best for you I 'll assure you : Yes truly Mr. Lievtenant , says the Prisoner , I do not mislike my fare ; but whensoever you see that I do mislike it , then thrust me out adoors , and I shall be so far from taking it ill from you , that I will think you have done me a favour in it . 314. A man that had been a Four years Voyage at Sea , and when he came home , his dear and Vertuous Wife coming to meet and welcome him home , brought a little Boy in her Arms of a Twelve month Old ; which he preceiving , Umph , says , he : And Umph , says she , agen , you might have come home sooner then : Why , says he , I came home as soon as my conveniency would give me leave : And I , says she , staid as long as my conveniency would give me leave : Well , says he , whose Child is this ? Why mine , says she , and that that is mine is yours , for I can lawfully call nothing my own but my Ring , Fillet , and Hair-lace , and therefore the Child is yours ; How will you prove it , says he ? Why thus , says she , here hold it in your Arms ; and as he took it , Now says she , I freely give it you . Nay now , says he ; I am satisfied , and know 't is mine ; therefore prithee get it a good Nurse ; for I 'll have none of my Children that comes so easily to be Nurst at home . 315. A dear and Loving wife , that always bore a great respect to her Husband , both in Sickness and in Health , and now did make it appear to the very last ; for when her dear Husband was in Essex condemned to die , for a small matter , God knows that is only for stealing four or five Horses , and breaking up as many Houses : So this sweet loving Soul his wife , hearing where he was , came and gave him a visit . Wife says he , you see what I am come to now , prithee pray for me , and have a care to bring up our Children in the fear of God. Husband , says she , as soon as I heard of it , you see I came to you , and as you know I have always been loving to you ; you shall now find it at the last : Pray Husband tell me , are we to be at the charge of a Rope or they , for I would have all things ready that might do you a Kindness : For here I have brought one forty Miles to do you a Courtesie . And so left the Rope with him . Well Wife , says he , I thank you heartily , and pray go home and look after the Children : No Husband , says she , I have not come so far , but a Grace a God I 'll see you hang'd before I go . 316. A very great Student , that had written many excellent Books , and one among the rest was , he had wrote a History of the whole World : This said Student it seems had lost himself in a Wood , because he took little notice of the Path ; being still in a musing condition : At last being weary , and his Stomach crying Cupboard also , began very seriously to endeavour to get out of the Wood ; and after he had wandered about a great while , he met by chance with a Country Man that liv'd near Oxford and was then going thither to Market ( which Country Man knew him very well ) then he desired him to guide him out of the Wood , and he 'd give him Six pence , Sir , says he , I do admire very much , that you that have writ a Tract of the whole World , should not now find the Tract out of this little Wood ? Friend , says he , I think thou art Wood : Sir , says he , if I am mad , I am not fit to be your guide , but you speak as if you mere in a wood : Yes faith , says the Student , so I am ; and I would fain get out on 't if I could . 317. Another Simple Rumpish Minister , as he was riding one Afternoon to a Parsonage which he had eight Miles from Oxford , which he used to do every Saturday ( that is if it be fair ) to Preach there on Sunday , but if otherwise , then one of the Junior Fellows in the Colledge , where he was Head , was sent in his room . This said Minister , se●ing a Boy at Plough in the Fields with Oxen ( which it seems was a smart knave ) rid up with his Man to him , and there began to catechize the Boy notably ; and after the Boy had answered him hand-pat to all his questions ( which the Parson admired ) Now Sir , says the Boy , I hope you 'll give me leave to ask you a Question : Yes , Boy , says he , with all my heart . Pray Sir , says he 〈◊〉 tell me who made these O●… 〈…〉 says the Parson : Nay that 's a lie , says the Boy , for God made 'em Bulls , but my Father made 'em Oxen. And so drove away the Plough and whistled on still , that though the Parson askt him many other questions , yet he took no notice of him , nor did not afford him another word . Then he and his Man rode away from him . This Story his Man told when he came home , for which his good Master turn'd him out a-doors ; so kind they were still to all that told truth , 318. A Plain Country Fellow , coming to the Market at Brainford one Tuesday , he cheapned of a Butcher a Shoulder of Mutton ; the Butcher told him he would have Twenty pence for it . Fie , says he , twenty pence , I 'll tell you not long since , you goodman Brown there 's a Man in this Town , that is call'd John Bennet , who within this Sennet , sold me a Shoulder of Mutton , witness your Neighbour John Sutton , for no more than fourteen pence ; or I wish I may ne'r go hence : Well , says the Butcher , strait Take it so , for this conceit : Probatum est . 319. A Gentleman having drank very hard at the Kings-Head Tavern , came Reeling out up Chancery Lane , and chanced to Reel within the Rails of the Pump , and kept his motion round so long that he was tired ; whereupon leaning on the Rail , he askt one that passed by where he was , he told him over against the Chancery : I thought so ( says he ) and that 's the Reason I think I shall never get out of this place . 320. A sturdy Beggar meeting a high Commander of the long Parliament Army ( under whom he was a Souldier ) began to beseech his Honors Charity upon a poor crippl'd Souldier , that had lost his Blood and Limbs in the States Service : The Officer very gravely answer'd him , He had not for him : God bless your Honor , for although you are not in humor to supply my wants at this present , I am ever bound to pray for your Honour , because you have saved my Life ; at which word , his Honor vouchsaf'd to look back , and ask'd him where , and how he had sav'd his Life ? To which the Beggar replied , Your Honour may Remember , when you fled into the Saw-pit , I followed you , or else I had stood to , and been Slain , I thank your good Honour . 321. Two old Companions ( that had not seen each other a great while ) met in St. Paul's Church-yard , who after some little Discourse ( had in the Street ) agreed by consent , to go to the Feathers-Tavern , where they sate pecking , from six in the Evening , till past ten at night , and having in this time drank sufficiently , one of 'em desired to be gone , urging to him that he knew his Impediment , viz. He could neither go nor stand when he was Drunk ; well , says the other , and thou knowest I am Tongue-tied , and cannot speak when I am fudled ; but I believe that one pint more will neither hinder my talking , nor thy walking : 'faith says the other , if I cannot go thou must lead me : he answered him , he would , and the t'other pint brought both of them to their Infirmities , so that the one was Lame , and the t'other was Dumb , and having paid the reckoning ( about eleven a Clock ) the Dumb Man , by the help of the Drawers , got the Lame Man down stairs , where at the Bar he takes the Lame Man upon his back , and away he marches with him towards Ludgate , where the Watch being set , before they came near , they call'd , Who goes there ? Come before the Constable . So the Dumb Man ( unseen by the Watch ) set 〈◊〉 the Lame Man in the dark by the Prison door upon a Bench , and goes to the Constable , who ask'd him what he did out so late ? And where he had been ? To all which the Dumb Man made many mouths and signs , but could not answer ; the Lame Man in the dark being troubled to hear his Friend so hardly put to it with Questions , calls out to the Constable , and tells him , He cannot speak ; what says the Constable , is there more of you ? Come you before the Constable and answer , you can speak ; but I can't go , says the other , with that they went all to him ; and he gave them so sufficient an account of what they were , where they had been , what were their impediments , and how they got together ; that the Constable and Watch laugh'd heartily , bidding the Dumb Man take up his Lame Luggage , and march home . 322. When Dun that kept the Meremaid-Tavern in Cornhill , being himself in a Room with some witty Gallants , one of them ( which it seems knew his VVife ) too boldly cryed out in a fantastick humor , I 'll lay five pound There 's a Cuckold in this Company , 〈…〉 another . 323. An old Recorder of a City in this Land was busie with a Country Mayor ; in the mean space they were interrupted by a fellow that was brought before him for killing a Man : The Recorder asked the Fellow's Name ; who answer'd his Name was Gilman ; said the Recorder , take away G. and thy Name is Ilman , put K. to it , thy Name is Kilman , and put Sp. to it thy Name is Spilman , thou art half hang'd already , ( as the Proverb says ) for thou hast an ill-name , let a Man vary it how he can : The Mayor all this while stood by musing at the Recorders canvasing the Man's Name ; and afterwards being at home among his own good People , he had an offender brought before him for getting a Wench with Child , Master Mayor ask'd him his Name , the Fellow said , if it please your Worship , my Name is Johnson : Then Master Mayor ( striving to imitate the Recorder ) said , Take away G. and thy Name is Ilman , put K. to it , Thy Name is Kilman , put Sp. to it , thy Name is Spilman : Thou art a Knave thou hast an ill Name , and thou shalt be hanged , take my word for it . 324. Three Young conceited wits sitting in a Tavern very merry , it chanced that a grave old Gentleman with a Gray-beard looked into the Room , whom as soon as they espied , to show their Wit , one saluted him with the name of Father Abraham , the other with Isaac , and the third with Jacob. I am ( said the Gentleman ) neither Father Abraham , Isaac , nor Jacob , but Saul the Son of Kish , who went out to seek his Fathers Asses , and here I find them , and here I leave them . 325. A Gentleman being a great distance from his own House , and having very urgent reasons for his speedy return , rid Post , having Supt , and being in Bed with his Wife , he said , Dearest , excuse me to Night that I pay not that Tribute due to our Loves ; for I am so weary that I am uncapable of doing any thing but sleep : These Words were none of the most pleasant you may think to a young sanguine Gentle woman , after a long absence of a lusty Husband . Not long after , walking in his back-yard with his Wife in his hand , he chanced to see a Cock , he took great delight in , sitting in the Sun asleep , reject●●● 〈…〉 of his Fruitless Wives : Prithee sweet Heart ( said he ) what ails my Cock , that he thus hangs his Head , and follows not the Hens ? Indeed I do not know , Husband , ( said she ) unless he hath lately ridden Post . 326. A French man that spoke very broken English , bespoken a dish of Fish , being on the Table , and seeing but little Pepper , by the Corruption of his Pronunciation , he called for more Piss instead of Spice , the Woman took away the Dish , and did as she thought he did bid her , and brought it in again ; I say , said he , a little more Piss , with that she carried it out , and her Daughter Pist upon it , and then brought it in ; but he still cried a little more Piss ; well Sir , said she , I will warrant you shall have enough now , and then carried it to her Maid , a strapping Girl , but the Frenchman was still unsatisfied , and cried out for more Piss ; Well Sir , let me tell you , I , my Daughter , and Maid-Servant have all Pist as much as we can upon it , and if that will not satisfy you , even Piss upon it your self . 327. A cheating Monyless Traveller coming to an Inn , sent for a Shoemaker to bring him choice of Boots : A Shoemaker brings three or four pair , one pair very well fitted him , being both drawn on , he askt the price , and was told it ; but the Traveller , desired the Shoemaker that he would trust him till that day Seven night , and he would pay him faithfully ; but the Shoemaker said , he was a stranger to him , and required present payment , or his Boots again : The other perceiving there was no hopes of prevailing , gets to the Inn-gate discoursing , and having designed his way , runs quite through the Town , and the Shoemaker after him , crying out , stop him , stop him , stop him ; and some going to stop him , he cryed out to them , Pray do not stop me , we two run a race for a Wager , Lin Boots , and he in Shoes and Stockings ; which the People believing , some cried , Well run Boots , others , Well run Shoes , and Stockings . Boots wins the Wager , and it were for a Hundred Pounds . Thus the Poor Shoemaker was run out of his Boots , and almost out of Wits . 328. A Wild young man being married to a witty young woman , being a good Houswife and a Shrew , had but one only Child of a quarter old , by him tenderly belov'd . He would often be drunk , and she as often would maunder with him ; and often threaten to throw his Child into the Pond , the next time he came home drunk : not many Nights after , she having Inteligence of his drinking with debauched Companions , she forms a design , bids her Maid carry his beloved Infant to a Neighbour's House , and laps a Cat very formally in Bed and Blankets , and lays it in the Cradle ; having done , home comes her Husband whom she saluted with a look like a Storm , and a thundring Speech , and by him as hotly returned ; but she in a frame high Passion , runs to the Cradle , takes out the Cat in her formalities , and cryes , I have often threatned , now I 'll be revenged , runs to the Pond , and flings it in , he after her with , Good dear Wife , save the Child , but too late : he runs in after it up to the Shoulders in a cold Winters night , got hold on the Mantle , comes ashore , crying , Oh! my poor Child , lays it before the Fire , unpins the Blankets , and amazed Puss springs out 〈…〉 which made his Wife laugh heartily . He vowed a Reformation , she warmed his Bed put him on a dry shirt , sent for the Child home and to bed they went. 329. A Young Married Woman in Cheapside , in the Morning being a bed , her Husband being underneath in the Shop selling of his Tinkets below , she was playing her tricks above ; for she trying to put her heal over her Neck : Which being done , she could not get it back again , but with striving , tumbled off the bed . Her Husband hearing a great noise above sent up his Prentice , a raw Country Boy , to see what was the matter , who came down and told his Master , That his Mistress was bewitch'd or turn'd into an Owl ; and that she had fallen off the Bed , and with the fall had gotten a great gash on her shoulder . 330. A Welsh-man riding with a charge of Money behind him , was set upon by a Thief , who bad him deliver immediately ; or ( drawing a Pistol ) said , he would make it bounce through him ; says hur so , says the Welsh-man , since hur hath hur Money , let hur hear one pounce for it ; for hur never heard the pounce of a Cun. The good naturd Thief to satisfy the Curiosity of the Welsh-man , ( whom he look'd on as a very silly Fellow ) discharged his Pistol , which Echoed in many places , Cuds splutter a nails , says the Welsh-man , it was a gallant Pounce , and there was many little pounces too ; good hur Vrship let hur have one pounce more for hur money , and hur will be satisfied : So the Thief discharged the other ; at which the Welsh-man seem'd better pleased than before , and ask'd if he had no more pounces ; no said the Thief , I have no more . No ( said the Welshman ) then hur has one pounce in store , which hur will make pounce through hur immediately if hur deliver not hur Money back presently , and so forced the Thief to re-deliver . 331. A Young-man Married a cross piece of flesh , who not contented , though her Husband was very kind , continual complaints to her Father , to the great grief of both Families ; the Husband being no longer able to indure this Scurvy humor , banged her soundly : hereupon she complained to her Father , who understanding well the perverseness of her humor , took her to task , and laced her sides soundly too ; saying , go and commend me to your Husband , and tell him I am now even with him , for I have cudgelled his Wife , as well as he hath beaten my Daug●ters . 332. A Gentleman who had a Ruby Face , came to a Barber to be trimm'd , and ask'd the Fellow if he could or durst trim him ? The Barber replied , That he learn'd his Trade , and kept Shop on purpose , and therefore both could , durst , and would trim him , if he pleased ; but , quoth the Gallant , behold my Face , and the rugg'd difficulty of Shaving . If you trim me without blood-shed , I will give you ten Shillings ; but if I find you draw Blood , with this Stilletto I will stab you immediately : The Brisk Barber being more tempted with the rare reward of ten Shillings , than dismayed by his threatning , undertakes him , and very artfully trimm'd him without blood-shed , and the Gentleman was well pleased ; but withal asked how he durst venture upon him since he was in so much hazard of his Life , to whom the Barber replied , I had no cause to fear my Life ▪ For if I had fetched Blood of your Face , before you could have been sensible of it , I would quickly have let you Blood in the Wind pipe , and secured me from your Stab . The Gentleman held up his Hands in thanks for his deliverance , and vowed never to be trimm'd upon those Conditions again . 233. In the beginning of the Spring , when scarce one flower was seen to bud out , a Scotch Gallant by chance espying a Primrose fairly brown ; and going to pluck it , considered with himself , how much more proper it might be for his Mistress to gather it with her fair hands , and resolves to intreat her thither ; but fearing it should be plucked in his absence , he covered it with his Hat , and walks to the Ladies Chamber . In the mean time one passing by , takes up the Hat , crops the Flower , leaving in the room thereof a Rose of stronger savour , covers it with the Hat and departs . Presently after comes the Scotch-man leading of his Lady , expressing the rarity of the Flower , and that 't was his Fortune to find it , and that none but her Virgin-hand was fit to pluck it . Whereis this Flower , quoth she , you so much commend ? Here , sweetest Lady , answered he , carefully covered with my Beaver ; and with that ( curriously removing on 't ) discovers the Flower in a smoaking Fragrancy . The Scotch-man blushes , the Lady rails . What he then thought , or how her dainty Nostrils took it , is left to the Reader 's Conception . 334. A very honest and prudent Gentleman had the ill fortune to marry a Wife a grain too light ; one day returning home , he went up the stairs , and found his Chamber door open , entring , he caught his Wife and the Adulterer ( who were so intent upon their sport that they minded nothing else ) in the very act ; the Gentleman seemingly unmoved , said , Wife , Wife , Wife , Indeed you don't do well to expose your own and my reputation thus to the hazard of being lost by carelessness : Sure in a business , that so nearly concerns us both , you might have shut the door : I pray consider what if any one else had come and caught you in this posture ; and so went and left them the midness of this reproof so effectually wrought upon this Woman , that she ever after abhorred the thought of enjoying any other Man but her Husband . A PREACHMENT ON MALT . CErtain Townsmen of Prisal , returning from a merry Meeting at a certain Ale-house , met in the Fields a Preacher , who had lately made a bitter Sermon against Drunkards , and among other opprobrious words , called them Malt-worms . Wherefore they agreed to take him , and by violence compel him to Preach a Sermon , and his Text should be MALT ▪ The Preacher thinking it better to yield than contend with them in their cause , began his Sermon as followeth . There is no Preaching without Division-and this Text cannot well be divided into many parts , because it is but one word , nor into many Syllables , because it is but one Syllable : It must therefore be divided into Letters , and they are 〈◊〉 to be four , viz. M , A , L , T , These letters represent four interpretations , which Divines commonly do use thus , M. Moral , A. Allegorical , L. Literal , T. Tropological . The Moral Interpretation is well put first , and first to teach you boysterious Men some good manners , at least in procuring your attention to the Sermon ; Therefore M. Masters , A. All , L. Listen , T. to the Text. An Allegory is when one thing is spoen , and another thing meant ; The thing spoken is Malt , the thing meant is the Oyl of Malt , commonly call'd Ale , which to you Drunkards is so precious , that you account it to be M. Meat , A. Ale , L. Liberty , T. Treasure . The literal sense is as it hath been often heard of heretofore , so it is true acording to the letter , M. Much , A. Ale , L. Little , T. Th 〈…〉 The Tropological sence applyeth that which now is to somewhat following , either in this world , or in the world to come the thing that now is , is the effect which Oyl of Malt produceth and worketh in some of you , viz. M. Murther , in others A. Adultery , in all L. Loose living , in many T. Treason , and that which hearafter ●…oweth , both in this world and in the world to come , is M. Misery , A. Anguish , L. Lamentation , T. Trouble . I shall now come to a conclusion , and withal , to pepswade you boysterious men to amend , that so you may escape the danger wherein to many of you are like to fall but I have no hopes to prevail , because I plainly see , and my Text as plainly telleth me it is M. to A. that is , a Thousand Pound to a Pot of Ale you will never mend , because all Drunkards are L. Lewd , T. Thieves , but yet for discharging my Conscience and duty , First towards God , and Secondly towords you my Neighbours , I say once again , concluding with my Text , M. Mend , A. All , and L. Leave , T. Tipling . otherwise , M. Masters , A. All , L. Look for T. Terrour and Torment . By this time the Ale wrought in the Townsmens Brains that theh were between Hawk and Buzzard , nearer sleeping than waking , which the Preacher perceiving stole a way , Leaving them to take their Nap. FINIS . 
A15606	----	Wits recreations. Selected from the finest fancies of moderne muses 1640 Approx. 279 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 162 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2003-05 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A15606 STC 25870 ESTC S120256 99855455 99855455 20950 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A15606) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 20950) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1475-1640 ; 1017:3) Wits recreations. Selected from the finest fancies of moderne muses Herbert, George, 1592-1637. Marshall, William, fl. 1617-1650, engraver. [300] p. Printed by R[ichard] H[odgkinson and Thomas Paine] for Humphry Blunden at the Castle in Corn-hill, London : 1640. In verse. With an additional title page, engraved, "Witts recreations", signed: W. Marshall sculpsit. Signatures: pi² [A]⁴ B-L M⁴ 2A-2C; A-D E⁴. "Outlandish proverbs, selected by Mr. G.H." (i.e. George Herbert) has separate dated title page with imprint "London, printed by T[homas]. P[aine]. for Humphrey Blunden ..". It was also issued separately. Printers' names from STC. The last leaf is blank. Reproduction of the original in the University of Illinois (Urbana-Champaign Campus). Library. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. 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Understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of TCP data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. Users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a TCP editor. The texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level 4 of the TEI in Libraries guidelines. Copies of the texts have been issued variously as SGML (TCP schema; ASCII text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable XML (TCP schema; characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless XML (TEI P5, characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or TEI g elements). Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng English wit and humor -- Early works to 1800. Epigrams, English -- Early works to 1800. Epitaphs -- England -- Early works to 1800. Proverbs, English -- Early works to 1800. 2002-12 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2003-01 Aptara Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2003-02 Olivia Bottum Sampled and proofread 2003-02 Olivia Bottum Text and markup reviewed and edited 2003-04 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion The Frontespeice discovered . This spreading Vine , like these choyce Leaves invites The Curteous eye to tast her choyce Delights . These painefull Bees , presented to thy view , Shewes th' Author works not for himselfe , but you . The windy Musick , that salutes thine eye , Bespeakes thine Eare , thy judgement standing by . The Devious Horseman , wandring in this Maze , Shewes Error , and her execrable wayes : Whose brazen Insolence , and boldnesse urges The hornefoot Satyres to their angry Scourges : And he that Drawes his Sword against the Swarme Of Waspes , is he , that lasht , begins to storme . WITTS RECREATIONS Selected from the finest Fancies of Moderne Muses . WITH A Thousand out Landish Proverbs . London . Printed for Humph : Blunden at y e Castle in Corn-hill 1640. The Stationer to the Reader . IF new or old wit please the reader best , I 've hope each man of wit will be our guest , The new was fram'd to humor some mens taste ; Which if they like not , they may carve the last : Each dish hath sauce belongs to 't , and you will By your dislike , censure the Authors skill ; Yet if you cannot speake well of it , spare To utter your dislike , that the like snare May entrap others ; so the booke may bee Sold , though not lik'd , by a neate fallacy : That 's all I aske yet'twill your goodnes raise , If as I gaine your coyn , he may your praise . Wits Recreations . 1 To the Reader . EXcuse me Reader though I now and than In some light lines doe shew my selfe a man , Nor be so sowre , some wanton words to blame They are the language of an Epigram . 2 On Battus Battus doth bragge he hath a world of bookes His studies maw holds more then well it may , But seld ' or never he upon them looks And yet he looks upon them every day , He looks upon their out-side , but within He never looks , nor never will begin : Because it cleane against his nature goes To know mens secrets , so he keeps them close . 3 On the same I pray thee Battus , adde unto thy store This booke of mine to make thy number more ; It is well bound , well printed , neatly strung , And doth deserve to have a place among Th' inhabitants of thy Vatican , if thou Wilt so much favor to its worth allow . 4. An evill age . Virgill of Mars and ruthfull wars did treat , Ovid of Venus love , and peace did write : Yet Virgill for his strain was counted great , And Ovid for his love was bannished quite ; No marvell then if c●ur●ezie grow cold , When hare is prais'd and love it self control'd . 5 On a woman's will. How dearly doth the simple husband buy , His wiv●s defect of will , when she doth dy ? Bett●r in death by will to let her give , Then let her have her will whilst she doth live . 6. To a 〈◊〉 ●eader . Thou say'st these verses are rude , ragged , rough , Not like some others , ●imes smooth dainty ●●uffe : Epigrames are like satires rough without , Like chesse-nuts sweet , take thou the kernell out . 7 Of a Iudge . Were I to choose a Captain I would than , Not choose your courtier or a youthfull man , No , I would choose a judge , one grim and grave ; To make a Captain such a man I 'de crave : Give me that man , whose frowning brow is death , I , such an one , as can kill men with breath . 8 Of Poet●s . Poetus with fine sonnets painteth forth , This and that soul Ladyes beauties worth : He shewes small wit thereby , and for his paines , By my consent he never shall reape gains , Why what need poets paint them ? O sweet Elves ? When Ladyes paint their beauties best themselves . 9 On an up-start . Pray wrong not ( late-coyn'd ) give the man his right He 's made a gentleman although no knight , For now 't is cloths the gentleman doth make , Men from gay cloths their pedigrees do take ; But wot you what 's the armes to such mens house● Why this — hands chacing of a rampant louse . 10 Ad Clodium . Wir , once thou said'st was worth thy weight in gold Though now't be common for a trifle sold ; It dearer seems to thee , that get'st not any , When thou should'st use it , for thy love or money 11 In Getam . Geta from wool and weaving first began , Swelling and swelling to a gentleman , When he was gentleman and bravely dight : He left not swelling till he was a knight ; At last forgetting what he was at first , He swole to be a Lord , and then he burst . 12 In Fimum . Fimus is coach'd and for his farther grace , Doth a ske his friends how he becomes the place ; Troth I should tell him , the poor coach hath wrong And that a cart would serve to carry dung . 13 Asper●m ●imis condimentum . Monsieur Albanus new invested is , With sundry suits and fashions passing fit , But never any came so neer as this , For joy whereof Albanus frollique is : Untill the Taylours bill of solvi fias , Diverts his humor to another bias . 14 Gender and number . Singular sins and plurall we commit ; And we in every gender vary it . 15 At●eists pastimes . Grammarians talk of times past and hereafter : I spend time present in pastime and laughter . 16 To Sr. Iohn Suckling . If learning will beseem a Courtier well , If honour 〈◊〉 on those who dare excell , Then let not Poets envy but admire , The eager flames of thy poetique fire ; For whilst the world loves wit , Aglaura shall , Phoenix-like live after her funerall . 17 On a braggadocio . Don Lollus brags , he comes of noble blood , Drawn down from Brutus line ; 't is very good ! If this praise-worthy be , each flea may then , Boast of his blood more then some gentlemen . 18 To Mr. George Sands . Sweet-tongued Ovid , though strange tales ●e told , Which gods and men did act in dayes of old , What various shapes for love sometimes they took ; To purchase what they ay●'d at : could he look , But back upon himself he would admire , The sumptuous bravery of that rich attire ; Which Sands hath clad him with , & then place this His change amongst their Metamorphosis . 19 To Mr. William Habbington on his Castara , a Poem . Thy Muse is chaste and thy Castara too , ●Tis strange at Court , & thou hadst power to woo And to obtain ( what others were deny'd ) The fair Castara for thy vertuous bride : Enjoy what you dare wish , and may there bee , Fair issues branch from both , to honor thee . 20 To Mr. Francis Beaumont and Mr. Iohn Fletcher gent. Twin-stars of poetry , whom we justly may , Call the two-tops of learn'd Pernassus-Bay , Peerlesse for freindship and for numbers sweet ; Whom oft the Muses swaddled in one sheet : Your works shall still be prais'd and dearer sold , For our new-nothings doe extoll your old . 21 On apump stopt with stones . M. I 'le cut it down , I swear by this same hand , If 't will not run , it shall no longer stand . R. Pray ●ir be patient , let your pump alone , How can it water-make when 't hath the stone . Yet did he wisely when he did it fell , For in so doing he did make it well . 22 To Mr. Benjamin Iohnson . Had Rome but heard her worthies speak so high , As thou hast taught them in thy Poesie ; She would have sent her poets to obtain , ( Tutour'd by thee ) thy most majestique strain . 23. In Aulam . Thou still art mutring Aulus in mine eare , Love me and love my dog , I will I swear , Thou ask'st but right and Aulus truth to tell , I think thy dog deserves my love as well . 24 To Mr. George Chapman on his Translation of Homers works into English meeter . Thou Ghost of Homer 'twere no fault to call , His the translation thine the Originall , Did we not know 't was done by thee so well ; Thou makest Homer , Homers self excell . 25 To Mr. William Shake-spear . Shake-speare we must be silent in thy pra●se , 'Cause our encomion's will but blast thy Bayes , Which envy could not , that thou didst do well ; Let thine own histories prove thy Chronicle . 26 Ad Tilenum . Tilenus 'cause th' art old , fly not the field , Where youthfull Cupid doth his banner weild For why● this god , old men his souldiers stil'd None loves , but he , who hath bin twice a child . 27 To Mr. Thomas Randolph . Thou darling of the Muses for we may Be thought deserving , if what was thy play Our utmost labours can produce , we will Freely allow thee heir unto the hill , The Muses did assign thee , and think 't fit , Thy younger yeares should have the elder-wit . 28 In Paulum . Paul what my cloak doth hide thou fain wouldst know Were 't to be seen I would not cover't so . 29 Of sleep and death . That death is but a sleep I not deny Yet when I next would sleep , I would not dy . 30 Ad Lectorem . Reader thou see'st how pale these papers look , Whiles they fear thy hard censure on this book . 31 Ad Momum . Momus thou say'st our verses are but ●oyes , T is true , yet truth is often spoken by boyes . 32 On Thraso . Thraso goes lame with a blow he did receive , In a late duell , if you 'll him beleeve . 33 News . When news doth come if any would discusse , The letters of the word , resolve it thus : News is convay'd by letter , word or mouth And comes to us , from north , east , west and sout● 34 Of Ru●us . Rufus had robb'd his host and being put to it ; Said I 'm an arrar●t rogue , if I did doe it . 35 Of Marcus. When Marcus fail'd a borrowed sum to pay , Unto his freind at the appointed day : 'T were superstition for a man he sayes , To be a strict observer of set dayes . 36 Of a theefe . A theefe arested and in custody , Under strong guards of armed company , Ask't why they held him so ? Sir quoth the cheife ▪ We hold you for none other than a theif . 37 Of motion . Motion brings heat , and thus we see it prov'd Most men are hot and angry , when they 're mov'd 38 Ad Scriptorem . Half of your book is to an index grown , You give your book contents , your reader none . 39 Domi●a Margarita Sandis : Anagramma . Anne domi das Marg●●it as ? VVhy do wee seek & saile abroad to find , Those pearls which do adorn the female-kind , Within our seas there comes unto our hands , A matchlesse Margaryte among the Sands . 40 Man. Man 's like the earth , his hair like grasse is grown , His veins the rivers are , his heart the stone . 41 Vita via . Well may mans life be likened to a way , Many be weary of their life they 'll say . 42 To Mr. Thomas May. Thou son of Mercury whose fluent tongue Made Lucan finish his Pharsalian song , Thy fame is equall , better is thy fate , Thou hast got Charles his love , he Nero's hate . 43 On Harpax . Harpax gave to the poor all by his will , Because his heir should no feign'd teares distill . 44 On Sextu● . Sextus doth wish his wife in heaven were Where can shee have more happines then there . 45 To Mr. George Wyt●ers . Th' hast whipp'd our vices shrewdly and we may , Think on thy scourge untill our dying-day : Th ▪ hast given us a Remembrancer which shall , Outlast the vices we are tax'd withall , Th●'ha●t made us both eternall , for our shame Shall never Wyther , whilst thou hast a name . 46 On a Drawer drunk . Drawer with thee now even is thy wine , For thou hast peirc'd his hogs-head and he thine . 47 Vpon the weights of a clock . I wonder time 's so swift , when as I see , Upon her heeles , such lumps of lead to bee . 48 To Mr. Thomas Middleton . F●cetious Middleton thy witty Muse , Hath pleased all , that books or men peruse If any thee dispise , he doth but show , Antipathy to wit , in daring so : Thy fam's above his malice and 't wilbe , Dispraise enough for him , to censure thee . 49 On Cyn●● . Because , I am not of a Giant 's stature , Despise me not , nor praise thy liberall nature , For thy huge limbs , that you are great 't is true , And that I 'm little in respect of you , The reason of our growths is eas'ly had , You many had perchance , I but one Dad. 50 To Mr. Iames Shirly on his Comedy viz. the yong Admirall . How all our votes are for thee ( S●irly ) come Conduct our troops , strike up Apollo's drum , We wait upon thy summons and do all , Intend to choose thee our yong Admirall : 51 On Alastrus . Alastrus hath nor coyn , nor spirit nor wit , I thinke hee 's only then for Bedlam fit . 52 On Macer . You call my verses ●oyes th' are so 't is true , Yet they are better , then ought comes from you . 53 To Mr. Philip Massinger . Apollo's Messenger , who doth impart To us the edicts of his learned art , We cannot but respect thee , for we know , Princes are honour'd in their Legats so . 54 On Celsus . Celsus doth love himself , Celsus is wise , For now no rivall ere can claime his prize . 55 On Candidus . When I am sick not else thou com'st to see me : Waild fortune from both torments still would free me . 56 To Mr. Iohn Ford. If e're the Muses did admire that well , Of Hellicon as elder times do tell , I dare presume to say upon my word ; They much more pleasure take in thee rare Ford 57 On Paulus . Because thou followst some great Peer at Court , Dost think the world deem's thee a great one for● Ah no! thou art mistaken Paulus , know Dwarfs still as pages unto giants goe . 58 To Mr. Thomas Heywood . Thou hast writ much and art admir'd by those , Who love the easie ambling of thy prose ; But yet thy pleasingst flight , was somewhat hig● When thou did'st touch the angels Hyerarchie : Fly that way still it will become thy age , And better please then groveling on the stage . 59 On a cowardly Souldier . Strotzo doth weare no ring upon his hand , ●lthough he be a man of great command ; But gilded spurs do jingle at his heeles Whose rowels are as big as some coach-wheels , He grac'd them well , for in the Netherlands , His heels d●d him more service then his hands . 60 To Mr. Thomas Goffe on his tragedies . When first I heard the Turkish Emperours speak , In such a dialect , and O●estes break His silence in such language , I admir'd What powerful favorite of the Nimphs inspir'd Into their Souls such utterance , but I wrong , To think 't was learnt from any but thy tongue . 61 On Cornuto . Cornuto is not jealous of his wife , Nor e're mistrust's her too la●civious life , Aske him the reason why he doth forbeare , Hee 'l answer straight , it commeth with a fear . 62 On a Shrew . A froward shrew being blam'd because she show'd , Not so much reverence as by right she ow'd Unto her husband , she reply'd he might Forbeare complaint of me , I do him right ▪ His will is mine , he would beare rule , and I Desire the like , onely in sympathy . 63 On a youth married to an old woman . Fond youth I wonder why thou didst intend To marry her who is so neer her end , Thy fortune I dare tell , perchance thou 'lt have At supper dainties ; but in bed a grave . 64 On a dying Vsurer . With greater grief non doth death entertain , Then wretched Chrysalus , he sighs a mayn , Not that he dyes , but 'cause much cost is spent Upon the Sexton and his regiment The joviall ringers , and the Curate must Have his fee too , when dust is turn'd to dust , And which is greater then the former sum , Hee 'l pay an angell for a Moor-stone-tomb . 65 On a fly in a glasse . A fly out of his glasse a guest did take , E're with the liquor he his thirst would slake , When he had drunk his fill , again the fly Into the glasse he put , and said though I Love not flyes in my drink , yet others may , Whose humour I nor like , nor will gain-say . 66 On Collimus . If that Collimus any thing do lend , Or dog , or horse , or hawk unto his friend , He to endear the borrowers love the more , Saith he ne'r lent it any one before , Nor would to any but to him : his wife Having observ'd these speeches all her life , Behind him forks her fingers and doth cry : To none but you , I 'd doe this courtesie . 67 Auri-sacra fames-qui● non ? A smoothfac'd youth was wedded to an old , Decrepit shrew , such is the power of gold : That love did tye this knot , the end will prove , The love of money not the god of love . 68 On Sex●us . What great revenews Sextus doth possesse , When as his sums of gold are numberlesse , What cannot Sextus have ? I wonder then , Sextus cann't live as well as other men . 69 Good wits jump . Against a post a scholler chanc'd to strike , At unawares his head , like will to like : Good wits will jump ( quoth he ) if that be true The title of a block-head is his due . 70 On Womens Maskes . It seems that Masks do women much disgrace , Sith when they weare them they do hide their face . 71 On Lepidus and his wife . Lepidus married somewhile to a shrew , She sick'ned , he in jesting wise to shew How glad her death would make him ; said sweet-heart I pray you e're you sing loath to depart Tell who shall be my second wife , and I After your death will wed her instantly , She somewhat vext hereat , straightway reply'd Then let grim Pluto's daughter be your bride . He answer'd wife I would your will obey , But that our laws my willingnesse gain-say : For he who Pluto's sister takes to wife , Cannot his daughter too upon my life . 72 Vpon a pair of Tongs . The burnt child dreads the fire ; if this be true , Who first invented tongs it's fury knew . 73 On Celsus his works . Celsus to please himselfe , a book hath writ : It seem's so , for there 's few that buyeth it . He is no popular man it thereby seems ; Sith men condemn , what he praise worthy deems , Yet this his wisdome and his book prefer , Disprais'd by all , they think both singular . 74 The Devill and the Fryar . The Devill was once deceived by a fryar , Who though he sold his soul cheated the buyer , The devill was promist if he would supply , The Fryar with coyn at his necessity , When all the debts he ow'd discharg'd were quite , The Devill should have his soul as his by right , The Devill defray'd all scores , payd all , at last , Demanded for his due , his soul in haste : The Fryar return'd this answer , if I ow You any debts at all , then you must know , I am indebted still , if nothing be Due unto you , why do you trouble me ? 75 To Phillis . Aske me not Phillis why I do refuse To kisse thee as the most of gallants use , For seeing oft thy dog to fawn and skip Upon thy lap and joyning lip to lip , Although thy kisses I full fain would crave ; Yet would I not thy dog my rivall have . 76 Of Charidem●s . Although thy neighbour have a handsom horse , Matchlesse for comly shape , for hue and course And though thy wife thou knowest ill-shapen ●e , Yet Charidemus praises mightily , His ugly wife and doth the horse dispraise : How subtilly the fox his engin layes , For he desires his neighbours horse to buy , And sell his wife to any willingly . 77 Of Clytus . Clytus the barber doth occasion fly , Because 't is bal'd and he gains nought thereby . 78 On Balbus . Balbus a verse on Venus , boy doth scan , But ere 't was fini●●'d Cupid's grown a man. 79 On Comptulus . I wonder'd Comptulus , how thy long hair In comely curles could show so debonair And every hair in order be , when as Thou could'st not trim it by a looking-glasse , Nor any barber did thy tresses pleat , 'T is strange ; but Monsieur I conceive the feat When you your hair do kemb , you off it take And order 't as you please for fashions sake . 80 On Gellius . In building of his house , Gellius hath spent All his revenews and his ancient rent , Aske not a reason why Gellius is poor . His great house hath turn'd him out of door . 81 To Ponticus . At supper-time will Poutus visit me , I 'd rather have his room then companie ; But if him ▪ from me I can no wayes fright , I 'd have him visit me each fasting night . 82 On a Pot-poet . What lofty verses Cael●s writes ? it is , But when his head with wine oppressed is , So when great drops of rain fall from the skyes In standing pools , huge bubles will arise . 83 On Onellus . Thou never supp'st abroad , Onellus , true ; For at my home I 'm sure to meet with you . 84 On Wine . What ? must we then on muddy tap-lash swill , Neglecting sack ? which makes the poet's quill To thunder forth high raptures , such as when Sweet-tongued Ovid erst with his smooth pen , In flourishing Rome did write ; frown god of win● To see how most men disesteem thy Vines . 85 On beere . Is no juice pleasing but the grapes ? is none , So much beloved ? doth perfection , Onely conjoyn in wine ? or doth the well Of Aganippe with this liquor swell , That Po●ts thus affect it ? shall we crown , A meer ex●tique ? and contemn our own , Our native liquor ? haunt who list the grape , He more esteem our Oate , whose reed shall make , An instrument to warble forth her praise , Which shall survive untill the date of daies , And eke invoke some potent power divine , To patronize her worth above the vine . 86 On a vaunting Poetaster . C●cilius boasts his verses worthy bee , To be engraven on a Cypresse tree , A Cypresse wreath befits 'em well ; 't is true , For they are neer their death , and crave but due . 87 On Philos. If Philos , none but those are dead , doe praise , I would I might displease him all his dayes . 88 On a valiant Souldier . A Spanish Souldier in the Indian war , Who oft came off with honor and some scar , After a teadious battle , when they were Enforc'd for want of bullets to forbear , Farther to encounter , which the Savage Moor Perceiving , scoff'd , and nearer then before , Approach'd the Christian host , the souldier grie● To be out brav'd , yet could not be reliev'd Beyond all patience vex'd , he said although I bullets want , my self will wound the foe ; Then from his mouth , took he a tooth and sent , A fatall message to their regiment , What armes will fury steed men with , when we . Can from our selves have such artillery ; Sampson thy jaw-bone can no trophy reare Equall to his , who made his tooth his speare . 89 On Aurispa . Why doth the world repute Aurispa learn'd ? Because she gives men what they never earn'd . 90 On Paulus . Those verses which thou mad'st I did condemn , Nor did I censure thee in censuring them , Thou mad'st them , but sith them in print I see , They must the people 's not the authors bee . 91 On Alexander the great . If Alexander thought the world but small Because his conquering hand subdu'd it all , He should not then have stil'd himself the great , An Infants stool can be no giants seat . 92 On a vertuous talker . If vertue 's alwaies in thy mouth , how can It ere have time to reach thy heart fond man ? 93 On a land-skip in the lid of his Mrs. Virginals . Behold Don Phoebus in yon shady grove , On his sweet harp plaies Roundelaies of love , Mark how the fatyr grim Marsyas playes On his rude pipe , hi● merry-harmlesse layes , Mark how the swaines attentively admire , Both to the sound of pipe and tang of lyre ; But if you on these Virginals will play , They both will cast their instruments away , And deeming it the ●●sique of the Spheares Admire your musique as the swains do theirs 94 Vpon pigs devouring a bed of penny-royall commonly called Organs . A good wife once a bed of Organs set , The pigs came in and eate up every whit , The good-man said wife you your garden may Hogs Norton call , here pigs on Organs play . 95 On a fortune-teller . The influence of the stars are known to thee , By whom thou canst each future fortune see Yet , sith thy wife doth thee a cuckold make , 'T is strange they do not that to thee partake . 96 On sore eyes . Fuscus was councell'd if he would preserve , His eyes in perfect sight drinking to swerve ; But he replyd ' t is better that I shu'd Loose them , then keep them for the worms as food 97 On a gallant . A glittering gallant , from a prauncing steed , Alighting down , desir'd a boy with speed To hold his horse a while , he made reply , Can one man hold him fast ? 't was answerd I , If then one man can hold him sir , you may Do it your self , quoth he , and slunk away . 98 On an inevitable Cuckold . Two wives th' hast buried and another wed , Yet neither of the three chaste to thy bed , Wherefore thou blam'st not onely them , but all Their Sex into disgrace and scorn dost call , Yet if the thing thou wilt consider well , Thou wilt thy malice , and this rage expell , For when the three were all alike 't should seem Thy stars gave thee the Cuckold's anadem , If thou wert born to be a wittoll , can Thy wife prevent thy fortune ? foolish man ! That woman which a Hellen is to thee , Would prove another mans Penelope . 99 On an empty house . Lollus by night awak'd heard theeves about His house , and searching narrowly throughout To find some pillage there , he said you may By night , but I can find nought here by day . 100 On a bragging coward . Corsus in campe , when as his mates betook , Themselves to dine , encourag'd them , and spoke , Have a good stomake Lads , this night we shall In heaven at supper keep a festivall , But battle joynd he fled away in haste , And said I had forgot , this night I fast . 101 On a great nose . Thy nose no man wipe , Proclus unlesse He have a hand as big as Hercules , When thou dost sneeze the sound thou dost not heare , Thy nose is so far distant from thine eare . 102 On an unequall paire . Faire Pbi●●is is to churlish Pris●us wed , As stronger wine with waters mingled , Priscus his love to Phillis more doth glow ; With fervency then fire , her 's cold as snow ; 'T is well for if their flames alike did burn , One house would be to hot to serve their turn . 103 On a changeable raiment . Know you why Lollus changeth every day , His Perriwig , his face and his array , 'T is not because his commings in are much , Or cause hee 'll swill it with the roaring dutch ; But 'cause the Sergeants ( who a writ have had Long since against him ) should not know the lad . 104 On the ensuring office . Linus met Thuscus on the burse by chance , And swore he 'd drink a health to th' heir of France For on th' exchange for currant news 't was told , France had a Daulphin not yet seaven dayes old , Thuscus excus'd himself , and said he must By all meanes go to th' ensuring office first , And so ensure some goods , he doubted were , Unlikely else ere to his hands appeare , Linus replyd I le with thee then , for I Would have my lands ensur'd to me in fee Which otherwise I doubt , I never shall , From debt and morgage ere redeem at all . 105 On a Tennis-court haunter . The world 's a court , we are the bals , wherein We bandied are by every stroke of sin , Then onely this can I commend in thee , Thou actest well our frail mortalitie . 106 On Barossa . Barossa boasts his pedegree although , He knows no letter of the Christ-crosse-row , His house is ancient , and his gentry great , For what more ancient e're was heard of yet Then is the family of fools , how than Dare you not call Barossa gentleman ? 107 On Clodius Albinus . Clodius great cheer for supper doth prepare , Buyes Chickens , Rabbets , Phesants and a hare , Great store of fowl , variety of fish , And tempting sawce serv'd in , in every dish , To this great feast , whom doth he meane t' envite , Aloinus only sups with him to night . 108 On Afer . Afer hath sold his land and bought a horse , Whereon he p●aunceth to the royall Burse , To be on horse back he delights ; wilt know ? 'Cause then his company hee 'd higher show , But happy chance tall Afer in his pride , Mounts a Gunnelly and on foot doth ride . 109 On Balbulus . Thou do'st complaine poets have no reward And now adayes they are in no regard : Verses are nothing worth , yet he that buyes , Ought that is thine , at a three - 〈◊〉 price , Will think it too too dear , and justly may Think verses are in price , since 〈◊〉 other day , Yea who ere buies 'em at a farthing rate , At the same price can never sell 'em at . 110 To Lycus . That poetry is good and pleasing thou dost cry , Yet know'st not when 't is right or when awry Thou know'st great Ovid's censure to abstaine From pleasing good , is vertue 's chiefest aime . 111 On Charismus . Thou hast compos'd a book , which neither age Nor future time shall hurt through all their rage , For how can future times or age invade That work , which perished assoone as made . 112 Of one praising my book . Harpax doth praise my book I lately writ , Saith it is short and sweet and full of wit ; I knew his drift and sayd be silent 'pray , For in good fayth , I 've given 'em all away . 113 Facilis discensus averni . The way to hell is easie , th' other day , A blind man ●hither quickly found the way . 114 Age and Youth . Admire not youth , despise not age , although Some yong are grave , most old men children grow 115 On Orus . Orus sold wine , and then Tobacco , now He Aqua-vitae doth his friends allow , What ere he had , is sold , to save his life , And now turn'd Pander he doth sell his wife . 116 On Women . Women are books and men the readers be , In whom oft times they great Errata's see ; Here sometimes wee a blot , there wee espy A leafe misplac'd , at least a line awry ; If they are books , I wish that my wife were An Almanacke to change her every yeare 117 On Acerra . Tobacco hurts the braine phisicians say , Doth dull the wit and memory decay , Yet feare not thou Acerra , for 't will ne'r Hurt thee so much by use , as by thy feare . 118 On Briso . Who private lives , lives well , no wonder then You do absent you from the sight of men , For out of doores you neer by day appeare , Since last you lost i' th pill●ry your eare . 119 On the King of 〈◊〉 picture . Who but the halfe of this neat picture drew , That it could ne're be fully done , well knew . 120 To his Mistris . Hyperbole of worth , should wit suggest . My will with Epithites , and I invest , That shrine but with deserved paraphrase , Adulatory poetry would praise . And so but staine your wo●th : your vertues ( or Else none at all ) shall be my orator . 121 B. I. answer to a thiefe bidding him stand . Fly villaine hence or be thy coate of steele , I le make thy heart , my ●razen b●llet feele , And send that thrice as thievish soul of thine , To hell , to weare the Devils V●lentine . 122 The Theefe 's ●eplie . Art thou great Ben ? or the revived ghost Of famous Shake-spear ? or som drunken host ? Who being tipfie with thy muddy beer , Dost think thy rimes shall daunt my soul with fear Nay know base slave , that I am one of those , Can take a purse a swell in verse as prose , And when th' art dead , write this upon thy herse ; Here lies a Poet that was robb'd in verse . 123 Vpon Clarinda begging a lock of her lovers haire . Fairest Clarinda , she whom truth cals faire , Begg'd my heart of mee , and a lock of haire Should I give both said I , how should I live , The lock I would , the heart I would not give , For that lest●heeving love should steal away , Discretion had lock'd up and kept the key ; As for the locke of haire , which lovers use My head laid on her knee I pray'd her chuse , Taking her ●izars by a cunni●g art , First pick'd the lock , and then she stole my heart . 124 To his Mistris . Dearest thy twin'd haires are not threds of gold , Nor thine eyes diamonds , nor do I hold , Thy lips for rubies , nor thy cheeks to bee , Fresh roses , nor thy dugs of Ivory , The skin that doth thy dainty body sheath , Nor Alablaster is , nor dost thou breath , Arabian odours , these the earth brings forth , Compar'd with thine , they would impair thy worth ; Such then are other mistrisses , but mine , Hath nothing earth , but all divine . 125 The Answer . If earth doth never change , nor move , There 's nought of earth , sure in thy love , Sith heavenly bodies with each one , Concur in generation , And wanting gravitie are light , Or in a borrowed lustre bright ; If meteors and each falling star Of heavenly matter framed are : Earth hath my mistrisse , but sure thine All heavenly is , though not divine . 126 On his Mrs. I saw faire Flora take the aire , When P●aehus shin'd and it was faire ; The heavens to allay the heat , Sent drops of raine , which gently beat The sun retires , asham'd to see That he was barr'd from kissing thee Then Bore as took such high disdaine , That soon he dri'd those drops again : Ah cunning plot and most ●ivine ! Thus to mix his breath with thine . 127 On an houre glasse . Do thou consider this small dust Here running in this glasse By atomes mov'd Ca●st thou beleeve , that this the body was Of one that lov'd . And in his Mistrisse playing like a fly Turn'd to cinders by her eye : Yes and in death as life , have it expre●t That lovers ashes take no rest . 128 On the picture of Cupid in a jewell worn by his Mrs. on her brest . Little Cupid enter in and heat Her heart , her brest is not thy seat ; Her brests are fitted to entice Lovers , but her heart's ofice , Thaw Cupid , that it hence forth grow Tender still by answering no. 129 On his Mistris . When first I saw thee thou didst sweetly play , The gentle theefe , and stol'st my heart away ; Ren●er me mine againe , or leave thy own , Two are too much for thee since I have none ; But if thou wilt not I will swear thou art A sweet-fac'd creature with a double heart . 130 On Cupid . Cupid hath by his sly and subtill art , A certaine arrow shot and peirc't my heart : What shall I doe to be reveng'd on love ? There is but one way and that one I 'le prove ; I 'le steale his arrowes and will head them new , With womens hearts and then they will fly true . 131 On a Tobacconist . All dainty meats I do defie , Which feed men fat as swine , Hee is a frug all man indeed , That on a leafe can dine , He needs no napkin for his hands His fingers ends to wipe , That keeps his kitchin in a box And roast - 〈◊〉 in a pipe . 132 On the same . If mans flesh be like swines , as it is said The metamorphosis is sooner made Then full-fac'd Gnatho no tobacco take Smoaking your corps , lest bacon you do make . 133 Another . Tom I commend thee above all I know That sold'●t thy cushion for a pipe of To For now t is like if ere thou study more , Thou 'lt sit to 't harder then thou dist before . 124 On Tobacco . Nature's Idea , phisicks rare perfection , Cold rheumes expeller and the wits direction , O had the gods known thy immortall smack , The heavens ere this time had been colored black . 135 On a beloved lye . I hate a lie , and yet a lye did run Of noble Goring's death and Kensington , And for that they did not untimely dye I love a lye because that was a ly , For had it been an accident of ruth 'T had made me grow in hatred of the truth , Though lies be bad , yet give this lye it 's due , 'T is ten times better , then if 't had been true . 136 On Button a S●xton , making a grave . Ye powers above and heavenly poles Are graves become but Button-holes . 137 On long haire . Luc as long haire down to his shoulders weares , And why ? he dares not cut it for his eares . 138 A Crab's Restorative . The Crab of the wood Is sauce very good ; For the crab of the foaming sea , But the wood of a Crab Is sauce for a drab That will not her husband obey . 139 On Iustus Lypsius who bequeathed his gown to the Virgin Mary . A dying latinist of great renown , Unto the Virgin Mary gave his gown And was not this false latine , so to joyn With femall gender , the case Masculine . 140 On a fidle-stick . Am I an instrument to make you sport , A fiddle-stick I am , ye shann't report That ere yee hand'led me in such a case ; To make me strike up fiddles mean and base , Nay you shall never bend me to your bow It goeth against the haire you should do so , Nor shall you curbe me in , thus every day , I 'le but my pleasure , I was made to play ; But here I must not play upon another , Why have I then a fiddle for my brother ? If I were gon , you 'd be compel'd my freinds To make your musique on your fingers ends : My brother fiddle is so hollow hearted , That ere 't be long , we must needs be parted And with so many frets he doth abound , That I can never touch him but hee 'l sound : When hee 's reviv'd , this poore excuse he puts , That when I play , I vex him to the guts ; But since it is my nature , and I must I 'le crowd and scrape acquaintance for a crust ; I am a genleman of high descent Come from Apollos glorious element , Above the bridge I alwayes use to keep , And that 's my proper spheare , when I do sleep , So that I cannot be in tune or town , For all my scraping if the bridge be down ; But since without an end , nought can endure , A fiddle-stick hath two ends to be sure . 141 On hopes of preferment . I saw my fortune goe before As Palinurus saw the shore , If that I dye , before it hitch , Wel-fare mine eyes for they are rich . 142 Sorte tu●● contentus . If adverse fortune bring to passe , And will that thou an asse must bee ; Then be an asse , and live an asse , For out of question wife is hee That undergoes with humble mind , The state that chance hath him assign'd . 143 On a pretender to prophecy . Ninety two yeares the world as yet shall stand If it do stand or fall at your command ; But say why plac'd you not the world's end nigher Lest ere you dy'd you might be prov'd a lyer . 144 Mart. lib 8 epigr. 69. Old Poets only thou dost praise , And none but dead one's magnifie : Pardon Voc●rra , thee to please , I am not yet in mind to dye . 145 On a Gamester . For hundred-thousands Matho playes ; Olus what 's that to thee ? Not thou by meanes thereof I trow , But Matho poore shall bee . 146 On Fr. Drake . Sir Drake whom well the world's end knew , Which thou did'st compasse round , And whom both Poles of heaven once saw Which North and South do bound , The stars above , would make thee known , If men here silent were ; The Sun himself cannot forget His fellow traveller . 147 B. I. approbation of a copy of verses . One of the witty sort of gentlemen , That held society with learned Ben — Shew'd him some verses of such Tragique sense They did his curious eare much violence ; But after Ben had been a kind partaker Of the sad lines , he needs must know the maker ; What unjust man he was , that spent his time And banish'd reason to , advance his rime : Nay gentle Ben , replies the gentleman I see I must support the Poet than ; Although those humble straines are not so fit For to please you , hee 's held a pretty wit ; Is he held so ? ( sa●es Ben ) so may a goose , Had I the holding , I would let him loose . 148 On a gentleman that married an heire privately at the Tower. The angry Father hearing that his childe , Was stoln , married , and his hopes beguild ; ( 'Cause his usurious nature had a thought She might have bin to greater fortunes brought ) With rigid looks , bent brows , and words austere Ask'd his forc'd son in law , how he did dare ( Without a full consenting from him carried ) Thus beare his onely daughter to be married , And by what Cannons he assum'd such power ? He sayd the best in England sir , the Tower. 149 A Gentlemans satisfaction for spitting in anothers face . A gentleman ( not in malice nor disgrace , But by a chance ) spet in anothers face , He that receiv'd it , knowing not the cause That should produce such rashne● ( 'gainst the law● Of Christian man-hood or civility ) In kindling anger , ask'd the reason why ; Pray ●ir sayes he , what thing that doth but sound Like to an injury have you ere found By me at any time ? or if you had , It never could deserve contempt so bad 'T is an inhumane custome none ere use ; But the vile nation of conte●ned Jewes : Pray sir , cryes th' other be not so unkind , Thus with an accident to charge my minde I meant it not , but ●●nce it fals out so , I 'm sorry , yea make satisfaction too ; Then be not mov'd but let this ease your doubt Since I have spet , please you , I 'le tread it out . 150 On a little Gentleman and one Mr. Story . The little man , by th' other mans vain-glory , It seems was roughly us'd ( so say's the story ) But being a little h●ated and high blown , In anger flyes at Story , puls him down ; And when they rise ( I know not how it fated ) One got the worst , the Story was tran●●ated From white to red , but ere the fight was ended It seemes a Gentleman that one be●riended Came in and parted them ; the little blade , There 's none that could intreat , or yet perswade , But he would fight still , till another came , And with sound reasons councel'd gainst the same 'T was in this manner friend ye shall not fight With one that 's so unequall to your height , Story is higher , th' othe● made reply , I 'd pluck him down were he three Stories high . 151 On a Welshman and an Englishman . There was a time a difference began Between a Welshman and an Englishman , And thus it was ; the English-man would stand Against all argument , that this our land , Was fre●st of her fruits , there is a place Quoth he , whose ground , so fruitfull is of grasse ; But throw a staffe in 't but this night , you shall Not See 't the morrow , 't would be cover'd all : The Welsh-man cry'd 't is true , it might ly under , The o're-grown grasse , 〈◊〉 is with us no wonder , For turn your horse into our frui●full ground , And before morning come , he shann't be found . 152 On a Souldier . The souldier fights well and with good regard , But when hee 's lame , he lies at an ill ward . 153 On a faire Gentlewoman whose name was Brown. We praise the faire , and our inventions wrack , In pleasing numbers to applaud the black , We court this Ladies eye , that Ladyes haire , The faire love black , the black best like the faire● Yet neither sort , I court , I doate upon Nor faire nor black , but a complexion More rare then either ; she that is the crown Of my entire affection is brown , And yet shee s faire , 't is strange , how can it be , That two complexions should in one agree Do I love Brown , my love can please mine eye , And ●ate my narrow'st curiosity , If I like faire , she hath so sweet a grace , That I could leave an Angell for her face , Let any judge then , which complexion 's rarest , In my opinion , she is Brown that 's fairest . 154 On Garret and Chambers . Garret and his friend Chambers having done Their Citty bus'nesse walk'd to Paddington , And comming neer the fatall place where men I meane offenders ne're return agen , Looking on Tyborn in a merryment , Sayes Chambers here 's a pretty Tenement Had it a garret : Garret hearing that , Replyes friend Chambers I do wonder at Your simple censure , and could mock you for it , There must be chambers ere there be a garret . 155 On the word intollerable . Two gentlemen did to a Tavern come , And call'd the drawer for to shew a room , The drawer did , and what room think ye was 't ? One of the small ones , where men drink in haste ; One gentleman sat down there , but the other Dislik'd it , would not sit , call'd for another : At whi●h his friend , rising up from the table , Cryes friend lets stay , this room is tollerable : Why that 's the cause ( quoth hee ) I will not stay , Is that the cause , quoth th' other ? why I pray ? To give a reason to you , I am able , Because I hate to be in — Tollerable . 156 Ad Lectorem . Is 't possible that thou my book hast bought , That saidst●'twas nothing worth ? why was it naught Read it again , perchance thy wit was dul , Thou may'st find something at the second pull , Indeed at first thou nought didst understand , For shame g●t somthing at the second hand . 157 Suum cuique pulcbrum . Posthumus not the last of many more , Ask's why I write in such an idle vaine , Seeing there are of Epigrams such store ; Oh give me leave to tell thee once again That Epigrams are fitted to the season , Of such as best know how to make rime reason 158 In magnis voluisse sat●est . In matters great to will it doth suffice , I blush to heare how loud this proverb lyes , For they that ow great sums by bond or bill , Can never cancell them , with meere good will. 159 As proud as witlesse Draccus . Draccus his head is highly by him born , And so by strawes are emptied heads of corne . 160 S●liem●videret●●r . A Welshman and an Englishman disputed , Which of their Lands maintain'd the greatest 〈◊〉 The Englishman the Welshman quite confuted , Yet would the Welshman nought his brags abate , Ten cooks quoth he , in wales one wedding fees Truth quoth the other , each man to●t● his cheese . 161 On womens inconstancy . Goe catch a star that 's falling from the skye ▪ Cause an immortall creature for to dye , Stop with thy hand the current of the seas , Poste o're the earth to the Antipodes , Cause times return and call back yesterday ; Cloath January with the Month of May , Weigh out an ounce of flame , blow back the wind And then find faith within a womans mind . 162 On Women . Why sure these necessary harmes were fram'd , That man as too too heedlsse might be blam'd , His weaknes cannot greatest weakenesse fly , In her strong drawing , fraile necessity ; Then happy they , that know what women are , But happier , which to know them never care . 163 To his Mrs. Sweetest faire be not too cruell , Blot not beauty with disdaine , Let not those bright eyes adde fewell To a burning heart in vaine , Least men justly when I dye Deem you the candle , mee the fly . 164 How to choose a wife . Good sir , if you will shew the best of your skill ; To picke a vertuous creature , Then picke such a wife , as you love a life , Of a comely grace and feature ; The noblest part let it be her heart , Without deceit or cunning , With a nimble wit , and all things fit , with a tongue that 's never running , The haire of her head , it must not be red , But faire and brown as a berry ; Her fore-head high , with a christall eye Her lips as red as a cherry . 165 On his Mistris . My love and I for kisses play'd , She would keep stakes , I was content , And when I wonne , she would be payd ; This made me aske her what she meant , Sayth she , since you are in this wrangling vaine , Take you your kisses , and give me mine againe . 166 On a proud Mayde . She that will eate her breakfast in her bed , And spend the morn in dressing of her head , And fit at dinner like a mayden-bride , And talke of nothing all day but of pride , God in mercy may doe much to save her , But what a case is he in that shall have her ? 167 Satis est quod sufficit . Weep no more , sigh nor groane , Sorrow recals not times are gone , Violets pluck'd , the sweetst raine , Makes not fresh or grow againe , Joyes are windy , dreams flye fast Why should sadnes longer last ? Griefe is but a wound to woe , Gentle faire , mourn no moe . 168 Tempus edaxrerum . Time eateth all things could the Poets say , The times are chang'd our times drink all away . 168 Of women . Commit thy ship unto the winde , But not thy faith to woman kind , There is more safety in a wave , Then in the faith that women have ; No woman's good , if chance it fall , Some one be good amongst them all , Some strange intent the dest ' nies had , To make a good thing of a bad . 169 On a coy woman . She seems not won , yet won she is at length , In loves war women use but half their strength . 170 On Morcho . Morcho for hast was married in the night , What needed day ? his fair young wife is light . 171 On Bed keeping . Bradus the smith , hath often sworn and sed , That no disease should make him keep his bed ; His reason was , I oft have heard him tell it , He wanted money therefore he would fell it . 172 On a man stealing a candle from a la●ther● . One walking in the street a winter night , Climb'd to a lanthern , thought t' have stole the light , But taken in the manner and descri'd By one o' th' servants who look'd out and cry'd , Whose there ? what d' you ? who doth our lanthern Nothing said he , but only snuf the candle . handle , 173 On Fraternus . Fraternus ' opinions show his reason weak He held the nose was made for man to speak . 174 On a french ●encer , that challeng'd Church an English fencer . The fencing Ca●les in pride and gallant vaunt , Challeng'd the English at the fen●ing , skill , The fencer Church , or the Church militant , His errors still reprov'd and knock'd him still , But si●h our Church him disciplin'd so sore , He ( rank Recusant ) comes to Church no more . 175 On two striving together . Two falling out into a ditch they fell , Their falling out was ill , but in was well . 176 On Musique . I want a quill out of an Angels wing , To write sweet musike's everlasting praise , I likewise want an Angels voice to sing A wished an●hem to her happy dayes ▪ Then since I want an angels voice and pen , Let angels write and sing , I 'le say amen . 177 On Tobacco . Times great consumer , cause of idlenes , Old whorehouse hunter , cause of drunkennes Bewitching smoake , vainest wealths consumer ; Abuse of wit , stinking breath's perfumer , Cause of entrailes blacknes , bodyes dyer Cause of nature's slacknesse , quenching her fire , Offence to many , bringing good to none , Ev'n be thou hack'd till thou art burnt and gone . 178 Claudianus de Sphaer●a Archimedis When Iove within a little glasse survay'd , The heavens he smil'd , and to the Gods thus sayd , Can strength of mortall wit proceed thus far ? Loe in a fraile orbe , my works mated are , Hither the Syracu●ians art translates , Heavens form , the course of things and humane fates Th' including spirit serving the star-deck'd signes The living work inconstant motion windes , Th' adult ' rate zodiaque runs a naturall yeere , And Cyntsias forg'd horns monethly new light bear , Viewing her own world , now bold industry Triumphs and rules with humane power the sky . 179 On Caelia . In Caelia's face a question did arise , Which were more beautifull her lips or eyes ; We say the eyes , send forth those pointed darts , Which pierce the hardest adamantine hearts , From us reply the lips proceed those blisses , Which lovers reap by kind words and sweet kisses Then wept the eyes and from their eyes did pow'r Of liquid Orientall pearle a shower , Whereat the lips mov'd with delight and pleasure Through a sweet smile ●●lock'd their I vory treasure , And bad love judge , whether did ad more grace Weeping or smiling pearls to C●lia's face . 180 On Chloris walking in the snow . I saw faire Chloris walke alone , When feather'd raine came softly down , Then Iove descended from ●is Tower , To court her in a silver shower , The wanton snow flew to her brest , Like little birds into their nest ; But overcome with whitenes there , For grei●e it thaw'd into a teare , Then falling down her garment h●m , To deck her , froze into a gem . 181 To a Shoomaker . What bootes it thee , to follow such a trade , That 's alwaies under foot and underlaid ? 112 Youth and Age. Age is deformed , youth unkind , Wee scorn their bodies , they our mind . 183 To Loquax . Loqu●x to hold thy tongue , would do thee wrong , For thou would ' st be no man , but for thy tongue . 184 Death . The lives of men seem in two seas to swim , Death comes to young folks and old goe to him . 185 A disparity . Children fondly blad truth , & fools their brothers Women have learn'd more wisdom of their mothers . 186. To Mak dict . Thou speake st ill , not to give men their dues ▪ But speakestill , because thou canst not chuse . 187 Womens properti●s . To weep oft , still to flatter , sometimes spin . Are properties , women excell men in . 188 Interpone tuis &c. Not mirth , nor care alone , but inter-wreathed , Care gets mirth stomacke , mir●h makes care long breathed . 189 Womens teares When women weep in their dissembling art , Their teares are sauce to their malicious heart . 190 Pot-Poets . Poet and pot differ but in a letter , Which makes the Poet love the pot the better . 191 Content . Content is all we ayme at with our store ; If that be had with little , what needs more . 192 Fast and loose . Paphus was marry'd all in haste , And now to rack doth run ; So knitting of himself too fast , He hath himself undone . 193 On Gervase . A double gelding Gervase did provide , That he and 's wife to see their friends might ride , And he a double gelding prov'd indeed ; For he so suddenly fell to his speed , That both alight , with blows and threats among ▪ He leads him , and his wife drives him along . 194 Tortus . Tortus accus'd to lye , to fawn , to flatter , Said he but set a good face on the matter , Then sure he borrow'd it for 't is well known ; Tortus ne're wore a good face of his own ▪ 195 ANNAGRAMS . Thom●s Egerton . 1 anagr. Honors met age . Honors met age and seeking where to rest ; Agreed to lodge , and harbour in thy brest . 196 On Capt●ine Iohn , Came-age 2 anagr. Age-came . When perils I by land and sea had past , Age came to summon me to death at last . 197 Christopher Lindall , 3 anagr. I offer , lend Christ all . Tha● with this Epigram thy deeds agree , They well know , that did ever well know thee . 198 Iohn Rysdon 4 anagr. In honors dy . Thy actions friend declare thy noble mind , And to the world thy reall worth proclaime That fame her self cannot thy equall find , To paralell thy glory and thy name , On , onward still from no good action fly , Who lives like thee , cann't but in honors dy . 199 On the same . I ne're will credit any powerfull fare , Can turn thy glory to a waning state , Thou ●till wilt be thy self ; therefore say I , In honors thou shalt live , but never dy . 200 Phineas Fletcher . 5 anagr. Hath Spencer life ? Or Spencer hath life . That Spencer liveth , none can ignorant be , That reads his works ( Fletcher ) or knoweth thee . 201 Mrs. Elizabeth Noell 6 anagr. holinesse be still my star . The safest conduct to the port of blisse , Lyes not in brittle honor , for by this We often loose our way , to shun this bar , To heaven , holines be still my star . 202. My lot is blisse ●ternall . The world 's a lottry , full of various chances , Whereof each draws a share as fortune fancies , Among the rest that ayme at things supernall ; I 've drawn , and find my lot is blisse eternall . 203 I shall smite no ill brest . The common way to wound mens hearts I shun , Nor with meere outside am I to be won , Vertue may move me , for it crowns the best , But I shall smite no ill or lustfull brest . 204 My blisse on earth's little . Honors are faire but fading flowers which give , Delight to those that gather them , but live Not ever flowrishing , this truth I find , Too truely in my selfe , by fate assign'd For having all , I see that all 's but but brittle , And even at best my blisse on earth 's but little . 205 See my heart is still noble : Thongh fortune frowns and fate suppres my will , Yet see the lucke , my heart is noble still . 206 A riddle . Thoughts Searching c Valued Love may B Truth never tyes Too A foole y y : Three in one heart If 2 in V have part WR 207 Another being a translation . Est aliis servire tenetur Iure qui sum , servire necesse est Iure tibi me Te nulli cunctos ant are videris Qui cunctos bos laude ant fero cunctis . Thus Englished . - ling bound to serve his Mr's hands An - is you - bound to do your high command● I 'me and None's you you all are then I 'le you - praise other men . 208 Another . A begger once exceeding poore , A penny pray'd me give him , And deeply vow'd nere to aske more And I ne're more to give him , Next day he begg'd againe , I gave , Yet both of us our oathes did save . 209 Another . I hold as faith What Rome's Church saith Where th' King is head The Flocks misled Where th' Alter's drest The peopele's blest Hee 's but an asse Who shuns the Masse Who charity preach They heav'n soon reach On faith t' rely Is heresy What England's Church allows My conscience disavowes The Church can have no seame , Where the Pope's supream There 's service scarce divine Where 's table bread and wine Who the Communion flyes Is Catholique and wise Their church with error 's fraught Where only faith is taught No matter for good works Make 's Christians worse then Turks 210 Another : There was a man bespake a thing , Which when the owner home did bring , He that made it , did refuse it , He that bought it , would not use it , He that hath it doth not know Whether he hath it , yea or no. 211 On Women . Woman 's the centre and the lines are men The circles love , how doe they differ then ? Circles draw many lines into the center But love gives leave to onely one to enter . 212 On Clarret wine spilt . What 's this that 's spilt ? 't is clarret wine , 'T is well 't is spilt , it 's fall sav'd mine . 213 On womans love . A womans love is like a Syrian flower , That buds and spreads and withers in an houre . 214 On Cooke a cuckold . A young cooke marri'd upon Sunday last , And hee grew-old e're tuesday night was past . 215 A Butcher marrying a tanners daughter . A fitter match then this could not have bin , For now the flesh is married to the skin . 216 On Cupid . Cupid , no wonder was not cloath d of old , For love though naked seldom ere is cold . 217 A plain sutor to his love . Faire I love thee , yet I cannot sue , And shew my love as masking courtiers doe , Yet by the smocke of Venus for thy good , I 'le freely spend my thrice concocted blood . 218. On a passing bell . This dolefull mu●ique of impartiall death , Who danceth after , danceth out of breath . 219 On a farmer knighted . In my conceit sir Iohn , you were to blame , To make a quiet goodwife a mad●dame . 220 On Pallas and Bacchus birth . Pallas the ofspring of Iove's braine , Bacchus out of his thigh was ta'ne , He breake 's his braine that learning winns , When he that 's drunk breaks but his shins . 221 On an old man doating on a yong mench . A rich old man loving a faire yong lasse , Out of his breeches his spectacles drew , Wherewith he read a note , how rich he was : All which ( quoth he ) sweet-heart I 'le give to you Excuse me sir ( quoth she ) for all your riches , I le marry none , that wears his eies in 's breeches . 222 Clownish Court-Ship . Excellent Mrs. brighter then the moon , Then scoured p●wter or the silver spoon , Fairer then Phoebus or the morning star , Dainty fair Mistrisse by my troth you are , As far excelling Dian , and her Nimphs , As lobsters crawfish , and as craw fish shrimps . Thine eyes like Diamonds do shine most cleerly , As I 'm an honest man I lo●e thee dearely . 223 A Gen●leman to his love . Tell her I love , and if she aske how well ; Tell her my tongue told thee no tongue can tell . 224 Her answer . Say not you love , unlesse you doe , For lying will not honor you . 225 His answer . Maddam I love , and love to doe , And will not lye unlesse with you . 226 On a Wels●man . The way to make a welshman thinke on blisse , And daily say his prayers on his knees , Is to perswade him that most certaiae ' t is , The moon is made of nothing but green cheese , Then hee 'l desire of Iove , no geater boon , Then to be pleas'd in heaven to eate the moon . 227 The vanity of man. That every thing we do , might vaine appeare , We have a veine , for each day in the yeere . 228 To a friend on the losse of his Mrs. If thou the best of women didst forgo , Weigh if thou found'st her , or didst , make her so , If she was found , know there is more then one , If made , the workman lives though she be gone . 229 On a whore . Rosa is faire , but not a proper woman , Can any woman proper be that 's common . 230 On a Welshman . A Welshman comming late into an Inn , Asked the maid what meat there was within ? Cow-heels she answered , and a brest of mutton ; But quoth the Welshman , since I am no glutton , Either of both shall serve , to night the brest , The heels i' th morning , then light meat is best , At night he tooke the brest , and did not pay , I th' morning tooke his heels and run away . 231 On men and women . I 'll thrives that haplesse family , that showes A cocke that 's silent , and a hen that crows , I know not which lives more unnaturall lives , Obeying husbands or commanding wives . 232 On Linus . Linus told me of verses that he made , Riding to London on a trotting Jade , I should have known , had he conceal'd the case , Even by his verses of his horses pace . 233 On a litle diminutive band . What is the reason of God-dam-me's band , Inch-deep ? and that his fashion doth not alter , God-dam me saves a labor , understand , In pulling't off when he puts on the halter . 234 On Iulius . By fraud the Merchant Iulius rakes in pel●e , For heaven he sels , yet hath it not himself . 235 On fine apparell . Some that their wives may near and cleanely go , Do all their substance upon them bestow : But who a goldfinch fain would make his wife , Make 's her perhaps a wag-taile all her life . 236 Vpon Conscience . Many men this present age dispraise , And thinke men have small conscience now adaies . But sure I 'le lay no such fault to their charge , I rather think their conscience is too large . 237 In Cornutum . Cornutus call'd his wife both whore and slut , Quoth she , you 'l never leave your brawling , but. But what quoth he ? quoth she the post or doore , For you have horns to but , if I 'me a whore . 238 A witty passage An old man sitting at a Christmas feast , By eating Brawn occasioned a jest ; For whilest his tongue and gums chafed about , For want of pales the chafed bore broke out , And lights perchance upon a handsom lasse , That neer him at the table placed was , Which when she ' spi'd she pluck'd out of her sleeve A pin and did it to the old man give , Saying sith your brawn , out of your mouth doth slip , Sir take this pin and therewith close your lip , And bursting into laughter , strain'd so much , As with that strain her back-part spakelow dutch Which th' old man hearing , did the pin restore . And bad her therewith close her postern doore . 239 A new married Bride . The first of all our sex , came from the side of man I thither am return'd from whence I came . 240 On a pudding . The end is all , and in the end , the praise of all depends , A pudding merri●s double praise , because it hath two ends . 241 Answer . A pudding hath two ends ? you lye my brother , For it begins at one , and ends at th' other . 242 On maydes . Most maids resemble Eve now in their lives , Who are no sooner women , then th' are wives , As Eve knew no man ere fruit wrought her wo , So these have fruit oft e're their husbands know . 243 On a man whose choice was to be hang'd or married . M. Loe here 's the bride , and here 's the tree , Take which of these , best liketh thee . R. The choise is bad on either part , The woman's worse drive on the cart . 244 Women . Were women as little , as they are good , A pease cod would make them a gown and a hood . 245 On a louse . A louse no reason hath to deal so ill , With them of whom she hath so much her will , She hath no tongue to speake ought in their praise , But to back-bite them , finds a tongue all wayes . 246 A Courtier and a Scholler meeting . A Courtier proud walking along the street , Hap'ned by chance a Scholer for to meet , The Courtier said , ( minding nought more then place Unto the Scholler meeting face to face , To take the wall , base men I le not permit , The Scholler said , I will , and gave him it . 247 Cede maj●ribus . I took the wall , one rudely thrust me by , And told me the high way did open lye , I thank't him that he would mee so much grace , To take the worse and leave the better place , For if by owners we esteem of things , The wall 's the subjects , but the way the kings . 248 On Women . Are women Saints ? no Saints , and yet no devils , Are women good ? not good , but needfull evils , So angel like that devils you need not doubt , Such needfull evils , that few can be without . 249 On a M●●sitian and his Scholler . A man of late did his fair daughter bring To a Musitian for to learn● to sing , He fell in love with her , and her beguil'd , With flattering words and she was got with child , Her Father hearing this was griev'd and said , That he with her but a base-part had playd , For W ch he swore that he would make him smart For teaching of his daughter such a part : But the musitian said , he did no wrong , He had but taught her how to ●ing prick-song . 250 Why women weare a fall . A question 't is why women weare a fall , The truth it is to pride they are given all , And pride the proverb saies must have a fall . 251 Foras expertus . Priscus hath been a traveller , for why ? He will so strangely swagger , swear and ly . 252 Liber too wary to thrive . Liber is late set up , and wanteth custome , Yet great resort hath got , but will not trust 'em : Is not his love unto his friend the greater , Hee 'l want himselfe , ere hee 'l see him a debtor . 253 On Venus and Vulcan . I muse , why Venus hath such fiery holes , I thinke that Vulcan , once there blow'd his coales . 254 Detur quod meritum . A courtier kind in speech , curst in condition , Finding his faults could be no longer hidden , Came to his friend to cleare his bad suspition , And fearing least he should be more then chidden . Fell to flatt'ring and most base submission , Vowing to kisse his foot if he were bidden . My foot said he ? nay that were too submisse , You three foot higher , well deserve to kisse . 255 Gluto , at meales is never heard to talk , For which the more his chaps and chin do walke , When every one that sits about the bord , Makes sport to aske ; what Gluto ne're a word ? He forc'd to answer being very loath Is almost choak'd speaking and eating both . 256 Sorte t●a contentus . B●rtus being bid to supper to a Lord , Was marshall'd at the lower end of the boord , Who vext thereat , 'mongst his comrades doth fre● And sweares that he below the salt was set ; But Bartus , th' art a fool to fret and sweare , The salt stands on the bord wouldst thou sit there● 257 Fovent perjuria furtum . Piso hath stoln a silver bole in jest , For which suspected only , not confest , Rather then Piso will restore your bole , To quit the body , he will cast the soule . 258 The promise breaker . Ventus doth promise much , but still doth breake , So all his promises are great and weake ; Like bubbles in the water ( round and light ) Swelling so great , that they are broke out-right . 259 Nummos & demona jungit . Bat bids you swell with envy till you burst , So he be rich , and may his coffers fill , Bringing th' example of the fox that 's curst , And threatning folks who have least power to kill● For why 't is known , his trade can never fall , That hath already got the devill and all . 260 Nil gratum ratione carens . Paulus a pamphle● doth in prose present , Unto his lord , ( the fruits of idle time ) Who farre more carelesse then therewith content , Wisheth it were converted into rime : Which done and brought him at another season , Sayd now ' t is rime , before not rime nor reason . 261 Non cessat perdere lusor . Aske Ficus how his lucke at dicing goes . Like to the tide ( quoth he ) it ebbs and flowes , Then I suppose his chance cannot be good , For all men know , 't is longer ebbe then flood . 262 Volucren● sic decipi● auceps . Hidrus the horse-courser ( that cunning mate ) Doth with the buyers thus equivocate , Claps on his hand , and prayes he may not thrive If that his gelding be not under five . 263 Perdat qui cav●at emp●or . Nor lesse meant Promus when that vow he made , Then to give ore his cous'ning tapsters trade , Who check'd for short and frothy measure , swore He never would from thence forth fill pot more . 264 Virescit vulnere Venus . Susan 's well sped and weares a velve● hood , As who should know , her breeding hath bin good ? 'T is reason she should rise once in her life , That fell so oft before she was a wife . 265 On Death . How base hath ●in made man , to feare a thing Whichmen call M●rs ? which yet hath lost all sting , And is but a privation as we know , Nay is no word , if wee exempt the O , Then let good men the feare of it de●ie ▪ All is but O when they shall come to dye . 266 On a rich country Gentleman . Of woods , of plaines , of hils and vales , Of fields , of meades , of parks and pales , Of all I had , this I possesse , I need no more I have no lesse . 267 On his Mrs. Shall I tell you how the rose at first grew red , And whence the lilly whitenes borrowed , You blusht , & straight the rose with red was dight , The lilly kist your hand , and so was white , Before such time , each rose had but a stain , And lillies nought but palenes did contayne , You have the native colour , these the dy , And onely flowrish in your livery . 268 To bis Mrs. Think not deare love that I 'le reveale , Those houres of pleasure we do steale , No eye shall see , nor vet the sun , Descrie what thee and I have done ; The God of love himself , hose dart Did first peirce mine , and next thy heart , He shall not know , that we can tell What sweets in stoln cmoracem●nts dwell , Onely this meanes may find it out , If when I dy , Phisians doubt What caus'd my death and they to view Of all the judgements that are true , Rip up my heart oh then I feare , The world will find thy picture there . 269 To Mr. Ben. Iohnson demanding the reason why he call'd his playes ●arks . Pray tell me Ben , where doth the mistery lurke , What others call a play you call a worke . 270 Thus answer'd by a friendin Mr. Ioh●sons defence . The authors friend thus for the author sayes , Bens plays are works , when others works are plaies 271 Tempus edax rerum . The sweetest flower in the summers prime , By all agreement is the damaske rose , Which if it grow , an● be not pluck'd in time , She sheds her leaves her buds their sent do loose , Oh let not things of worth , for want of use Fall into all consuming times abuse : The sweetest work that ever nature fram'd , By all agreement is a virgins face , Which not enjoy'd , her white and red will fade , And unto all worm eating time give place : Oh let not things of worth , for want of use Fall into all consuming times abuse . 272 Ad Aristarchum . Be not agriev'd my humerous lines afford , Of looser language here and there a word , Who undertakes to sweep a common sinke , I cannot blame him , though his broome do stinke . 273 To his Mrs. Thou send'st to me a heart was Crown'd , I tooke it to be thine , But when I saw it had a wound , I knew that heart was mine . A bounty of a strange conceit , To send mine own to me , And send it in a worse estate , Then when it came to thee ; The heart I gave thee had no staine , It was intire and sound ; But thou hast sent it back againe , Sick of a deadly wound . Oh heavens ! how wouldst thou use a heart That should rebellious be , When thou hast kill'd me with a dart , That so much honor'd thee . 274 On a charming beauty . I 'le gaze no more on that bewitched face , Since ruin harbors there in every place , For my inchanted soul alike she drowns , With calms and tempests of her smiles and frowns I 'le love no more those cruell eyes of hers , Which pleas'd or anger'd still are murtherers , For if she dart like lightning through the ayre , Her beames of wrath , she kils me with despaire , If she behold me with a pleasing eye , I surfet with excesse of joy and dy . 275 Covetous persons . Patrons are latrons , then by this , Th' are worst of greedy people , Whose cognizance a wolfes head is , And is his mouth a steeple . 276 On a dyer . Who hath time hath life , that he denies , This man hath both , yet still he dyes . 277 Non verber a sed verba . Two Schollers late appointed for the field , Must , which was weakest to the other yeeld , The quarrell first began about a word , Which now should be decided by the sword ; But er'e they drew , there fell that alteration , As they grew friends againe by disputation . 278 In Octavium . Octavius lying at the point of death , His gelding kindly did to me bequeath : I wanted one , and was in haste to ride , In better time he never could have di'd . 279 Ofletting . In bed a yong man with his old wife lay , O wife quoth he I've let a thing to day , By which I feare I am a looser much : His wife replyes youths bargaines still are such ; So turning from him angry at her heart , She unawares let out a thundring — Oh wife quoth he , no looser I am now , A marv'lous saver I am made by you : Yong men that old wives have may never fell , Because old wives quoth he let things so well . 280 In Dossum . Dosse riding forth the wind was very big And strained court'sie with his perriwig , Leaving his sconce behind so voyd of haire , As Esops crow might breake her oyster there ; Foole he to thinke his haire could tarry fast , When Bore as teares up forests with a blast . 281 Post dulcia finis amarus . Ienkin a welshman that had suires in law , Journying to London chanc'd to steale a cow ; For which ( pox on her luck as ne're man saw ) Was burnt within the fist , and know not how : Being ask'd if well the lawes with him did stand Was have her now ( quoth Ienkin ) in her hand . 282 In Mi●cam . Fine Minca lisping yea and no forsooth , Though little ears , yet keeps a dainty tooth : Minca that longs for apples on the tree , In May , before the blossomes fallen be , Or will not eate a Kentish cherry down , But for a couple , when she payes a crown ; And cares not for a straw-berry or peare , In truth because th' are common every where , Yet what is that which may be had for reason , And never comes to Minca out of season ? 283 Feminae ludifieantur vi●os . Kind Katherine to her husb and kist these words ; Mine own sweet Will how dearly do I love thee ● If true ( quoth Will ) the world no such affords , And that it 's true I durst his warrant bee , For ne're heard I of woman good or ill , But alwayes loved best her own sweet will. 284 Ad T●sserum . Tusser , they tell me when thou wert alive , Thou teaching thrift , thy self couldst never thrive So like the whetstone many men are wont To sharpen others when themselves are blunt . 285 Praestar videri qu●messe . Clit●s with clients is well customed , That hath the laws but little studied , No matter Clitus so they bring their fees , How ill ●he case and thy advice agrees . 286 Tun●●ua res agitur . A jealous merchant that a saylor met , Ask'd him the reason why he meant to marry , Knowing what ill their absence might beget , That still at sea , constrained are to tarry ? Sir ( quoth the Saylor ) think you that so strange ? 'T is done the time whiles you but walke th' exchange 287 A conference . A Dane , a Spaniard , a Polonian , My selfe , a Swisse , with a Hungarian , At supper met discoursed each with other , Drank , laught , yet none that understood another . 288 In Marcum . Marcus is not a hypocrite and why ? He flyes all good , to fly hypocrifie . 289 Quid ●on verba suadeant . Sextus , halfe salv'd his credit with a jest , That at a reckoning this devise had got , When he should come to draw amongst the rest , And saw each man had coine , himselfe had not ; His empty pocket feels and 'gins to say , In sadnes firs here 's not a crosse to pay . 290 Stupid Binus . Sith time flyes fast away , his fastest flight , Binus prevents with dreaming day and night . 291 In divites . Rich men their wealth as children rattles keep , When playd a while with 't then they fall asleep . 292 In Fannium . What furi 's this , his foe whilst Fannius flyes , He kils himselfe , for feare of death he dies . 293 To Vellius . Thou swearest I bowle as well as most men doe , The most are bunglers , therein thou say'st true . 294 In divites iracundos . Rich friends ' gainst poore to anger still are prone , It is not well but profitably done . 295 Clericus absque libro . When Crassus in his office was instal'd , For summs of money , which he yet doth ow , A client by the name of Clerk him call'd , As he next day to Westminster did go , Which Crassus hearing whispers thus in 's eare , Sirrah you now mistake and much do erre , That henceforth must the name of Clerke forbea● , And know I am become an officer . Alas ( quoth he ) I did not so much marke , Good Mr. officer , that are no clerke . 296 Durum telum necessitas . Coquus with hunger pennilesse constrain'd To call for meat and wine three shillings cost , Had suddainly this project entertain'd ; Instead of what 's to pay , to call mine host , Who being come entreateth him discusse ; What price the law allots for shedding blood : Whereto mine host directly answers thus , 'T was alwayes fourty pence he understood ; So then quoth Coquus to requite your paines Pray break my head , & give me what remaines . 297 Loves Lunacy . Before I knew what might belong to war , I was content to suffer many a scar ; Yet none could hurt me , 'till at length a boy , Disgrace to manhood , wrought my sad annoy , This lad though blind , yet did he shoot a dart Which pierc'd my brest and lighted on my heart , Yetdid I feel no hurt till from above , I heard a voyce say souldiers you must love , I lik't it well and in this pleasing vaine : I lost my wits to get my heart againe . 298 So his Mrs. Your lips ( faire Lady ) ( if 't be not too much , I beg to kisse , your hand I crave to touch , And if your hand deny that courtesie , ( Sweet Mistri● ) at your feet I prostrately ; But if your foot Spurn my humility , Or that your lips think I do aime too high : Then let your hand in token of consent , Point at the meane , the maine of all content , And I shall leave extreames , and to be blist , Rest in your midst where vertue doth consist . 299 To an upstart . Thine old frinds thou forgot'st having got wealth No marvaile , for thou hast forgot thy self . 300 Suum euique . A strange contention being lately had Which kind of Musicke was the sweet'st and best , Some prais'd the sprightly sound and some the sad Some lik't the viols ; and among the rest Some in the bag-pipes commendations spoke , ( Quoth one stood by ) give me a pipe of smoake . 301 Similis doctrina libell● . Craesus of all things loveth not to buy So many books of such diversity : Your Almanack ( sayes he ) yeeld's all the sence , Of time's best profit and experience . 302 On Tullus . Tullus who was a Taylour by profession , Is late turn'd Lawyer , and of large possession . 303 In Prodigum . Each age of men new fashions doth invent , Things which are old , young men do not esteeme : What pleas'd our fathers doth not us content : What flourish'd then we out of fashion deeme . And that 's the cause as I doe understand , Why Prodigus did sell his fathers land . 304 In medicum . When Mingo cryes how doe you sir ? t is thought , His Patient's wanteth and his Practice's naught : Wherefore of late , now every one he meeteth , With I am glad to see you well — he greeteth : But who 'l beleeve him now , when all can tell , The world goes ill with him , when all are well . 305 Crispati crines plumae dant calcar am●ri . Why is young Annas thus with feathers dight ? And on his shoulder weares a dangling lock ? The one foretels hee 'l sooner fly then fight , The other showes hee 's wrapt in 's mothers smock . But wherefore weares hee such a jingling spu● ▪ : O know , he deales with jades that will not sti●● 306 Most men mistaken . Good , bad , rich , poor , the foolish and the sage , Doe all cry out against the present age : Ignorance make us thinke our young times good , Our elder dayes are better understood : Besides griefes past , we easily forget , Present displeasures make us sad or fret . 307 On Glaucus . Glaucus a man , a womans hayre doth weare , But yet he weares the same comb'd out behinde : So men the wallet of their faults doe beare , For if before him , he that fault should finde : I thinke foule shame , would his fayre face invade , To see a man so like a woman made . 308 Of Batardas . Batardas needs would know his Horoscope , To see if he were borne to scape the rope : The Magus said , ere thou mine answer have , I must the names of both thy parents crave : That said , Batardas could not speak , but spit ; For on his fathers name he could not hitt : And out of doores at last he stept with shame , To aske his mother for his fathers name . 309 An idle huswife . Fine , neat , and curious misteris Butterfly , The idle toy , to please an idiots eyes : You , that wish all good huswives hang'd , for why , Your dayes work 's done , each morning as you rise : Put on your gown , your ruff , your mask , your chain , Then dine and sup , and goe to bed againe . 310 Consuetudo lex . Two Woers for a Wench were each at strife , Which should enjoy her to his wedded wife : Quoth th' one , shee 's mine , because I first her saw , Shee 's mine quoth th' other by Pye-corner law : Where sticking once a pricke on what you buy , It 's then your owne , which no man must deny . 311 In Battum . Battus affirm'd no Poet ever writ , Before that love inspir'd his dull-head witt : And that himselfe in love , had wit no more , Then one starke mad , though somewhat wise before ▪ 312 To women . You were created angels pure and fayre , But since the first fell , tempting devills you are : You should be mens blisse , but you prove their rod● Were there no women men might live like gods . 313 On marriage . Wedding and hanging the destinies dispatch , But hanging to some , seemes the better match . 314 Quidam erat . A preaching fryar there was , who thus began , The scripture saith there was a certaine man : A certain man ? but I do read no where , Of any certaine woman mention'd there : A certaine man a phrase in scripture common ▪ But no place shewes there was a certaine woman : And fit it is , that we should ground our faith , On nothing more then what the scripture saith . 315 Against a certaine — For mad-men Bedlam , Bridewell for a knave , Choose whether of those two , th' hadst rather have . 316 Loves progresse . Loves first approach , delights sweet song doth sing , But in departure , shee woes stinge doth bring . 417 On old Scylla . Scilla is toothlesse , yet , when shee was young , Shee had both teeth enough and to much tongue : What shall I then of toothlesse Scilla say , But that her tongue hath worne her teeth away . 318 On Gallants Cloakes . Without , plaine cloth , within , plufh ' t ? but I doubt the wearers worst within , and best without . 319 On Banks the usurer . Banks feels no lamenesse of his knotty gout , His monyes travaile for him in and out : And though the soundest legges go every day , He toyles to be at hell as soone as they . 320 Pecunia praevale●s . Tell Tom of Plato's worth or Aristotles ? Hang 't give him wealth enough , let wit stop bottl● . 321 On the same . Tom vow'd to beat his boy against the wall , And as he strucke , he forth-with caught a fall : The boy deriding said , I doe averre , Y' have done a thing , you cannot stand to ●ir . 322 On debt . To be indebted is a shame men say , 〈…〉 323 Vmbras non certus metuit Mistrisse Maryna starts to see a frog , A naked rapier or a creeping mouse : To hear a Gun , or barking mastive dog , Or smell Tobacco , that defiles her house , To taste of fish , no man alive shall woeher , Yet feares she not what flesh can doe unto her . 324 On women . Although they seeme us onely to affect , 'T is their content , not ours , they most respect : They for their own ends cunningly can feigne , And though they have 't by nature , yet they 'll strain : Snre if on earth , by wiles gain'd might be blisse , Staight that I were a woman I would wish . 325 On Saranzo . Soranzos broad-brim'd hat I oft compare , To the vast compasse of the heavenly spheare : His head , the earths globe , fixed under it , Whose center is , his wondrous little witt . 326 In Cottam . Cotta when he hath din'd saith god be prais'd , Yet never prayseth god , for meat or drinke : Sith Cotta speaketh and not practiceth , He speaketh surely what he doth not thinke . 327 De corde & lingua . The tongue was once a servant to the heart , And what it gave shee freely did impart : But now hypocrisie is growne so stronge : Shee makes the heart a servant to the tongue . 328 On poverty . If thou be poor , thou shalt be ever so . None now doe wealth but on the rich bestow . 329 Women are mens shadowes : Follow a shaddow it still flies you , Seeme to fly , it will pursue : So court a mistrisse shee denies you , Let her alone , she will court you . Say are not women tr●ely then , Stil'd but the shadwoes of us men ? At morne and even shades are longest , At noone they are , or short or none : So men at weakest they are strongest ; But grant us perfect they 're not known . Say are not women truely then stil'd but the shadowes of us men ? 330 In ebriosum . Fy man ( saith shee ) but I tell mistrisse An●e , Her drunken husband is no drunken man : For those wits , which are overcome with drink , Are voyd of reasons and are beasts I thinke . 331 Wills errour . Will sayes his wife 's so fat , shee scarce can goe , But shee as nimbly answers faith sir no : Alas good Will thou art mistaken quite , For all men know , that shee is wondrous light . 332 On Rome . Hate & debate , Rome through the world hath spred , Yet Ro●a a mock is if backeward read : Then is●t not strange , Rome hate should foster ? no , For out of backward love all hate doth grow . 333 All things have savour , though some very small , Nay a box on ●he eare hath no smell at all . 334 Act , fortune , and ignorance . When Fortune fell asleep , and Hate did blinde her , Art Fortune lost , and Ignorance did finde her : Sith when , dull Ignorance with Fortune's store , Hath bin enrich'd and Art hath still bin poore . 335 On Ebrio . See where Don Ebrio like a Dutch-man goes , Yet drunke with En●lish ale ; one would suppose : That h●e would shoulder down each door & wall , But they must stand , or he , poor fool ! must fall : 336 On love . Love hath two divers wings , as lovers say , Thou following him , with one he flies away : With th' other , if thou fly , he followes thee , Therefore the last , Love , onely use for me . 337 On the same . Love , as t is said , doth work with such strange tools , That he can make fooles wise-men , wise-men fools : Then happy I , for being nor foole nor wise , Love with his toyes and tooles I shall despise . 338 On a wanton . Some the word wanton fetch , though with sinal ski● From those that want one to effect their will : If so , I thinke that wantons there are none , For till the world want men , can they want one ! 339 In procos : Who woes a wife , thinks wedded men do know ▪ The onely true content , I thinke not so : If Woe in wooers bee , that women court , As the word Woe in wooers doth import : And Woe in woemen too , that courted be , As the word Woe , in women we doe see : I thinke 't is better lead a single life , Then with this double woe to wooe a wife . 340 Ingluviem sequitur fames : Curio would feed upon the daintyest fare , That with the court or countrey might compare : For what let 's Curio that he need to care , To frolique freely with the proud'st that dare : But this excesse was such in all things rare , As he prov'd banquerout e're he was aware . 341 In Corbum . Corbus will not , perswade him all I can , The world should take him for an gentle-man : His reason●s this , because men should not deeme , That he is such , as he doth never seem . 342 On Priscus mistrisse . Priscus commends his mistrisse for a girle , Whose lips be rubies , and whose teeth are pearl : Th' had need prove so , or else it will be found , He payes too deare ; they cost him many a pound . 343 On Women . Women thinke wo — men far more constant bee , Then wee men , and the letter O wee see : In wo — men ▪ not in we men , as they say , Figures earth's constant Orbe ; we men say nay : It meanes the moone , which proves ( none thinke it strange women are constant , & most true in change 344 On Promises . My Mistrisse sweares shee 'd leave all men for me , Yea though that Iove himselfe should rivall be : Shee sweares it , but what women sweare to kind - - Loves , may be writ in rapid seas and winde . 345 To his mistrisse . Take , oh take those lips a way , That so sweetly were for-sworne : And those eies like breake of day . Lights that doe mislead he morne : But my kisses bring againe , Seales of love , though seal'd in vaine . Hide , oh hide those hills of snow , Which thy frozen bosome beares : On whose tops the pinkes that grow , Are of those that Aprill weares : But first set my poor heart free , Bound in those icie chaines by thee . 346 On souldiers . Not faith , nor conscience common souldiers carry , Best pay , is right ; their hands are mercinary . 347 In Diogenem & Craesum : When the tubb'd Cynicke went to hell , and there , Found the pale ghost of golden Craesus bare , Hee stops ; and jeering till he shrugges againe , Sayes O! thou richest king of kings what gaine Have all thy large heapes brought thee , since I spie Thee here alone , and poorer now then I ? For all I had , I with me bring ; but thou , Of all thy wealth haft not one farthing now . 348 On a barber . Suppose my Barber , when his razors nigh My throat , should then aske wealth and liberty : I de promise sure , the Barber askes not this , No , t is a Thiefe and feare imperious is . 349 Drusiu● and Furio. Furio would fight with Drusius iu the field , Because the Straw , stout Drusiu● would not yeeld , On which their mistrisse trod , they both tid meet , Drusius in fight fell dead at Furios feet , One had the Straw , but with it this greek letter The other lo●t it , pray who had the better ? 350 On Cupid . Love is a boy , and subject to the rod Some say , but lovers say he is a god : I thinke that love is neither god nor boy , But a mad-braines imaginary toy . 351 On Durus . A friend of Durus comming on a day To visite him , finding the doores say nay ; 〈◊〉 lock'd fast up , first knocks , and then doth Pause , As Lord have mercy on 's had bin the cause ; But missing it , he ask't a neighbour by When the rich Duru's were lock'd and why ? He said it was a Custome growne of late At diner time to lock your great man's gate . Durus ' his poor friend admir'd & thought the doo● Was not for State lock'd up , but 'gainst the poore , And thence departing empty of good cheere , Said , Lord have mercy on us , is not there . 352. On a Puritane . From impure mouthes now many bear the name Of Puritane , yet merit not the same , This one shall onely be my Puritan That is a knave , yet seems an honest man. 353. Quantum mutatus ab illo . Pedes growne proud makes men admire thereat Whose baser breeding , should they think not bear it Nay , he on cock-horse rides , how like you that ? Tut Pedes Proverb is , Win gold and wear it , But Pedes you have seen them ri●e in ha●te , That through their pride have broke their necks at last . 354 On Bibens . Bibens to shew his liberality , Made Lusus drunk ; a noble quality , And much esteem'd , which Bibens fain would prove , To be the signe of his familiar-love . Lusus beware , thou 'lt finde him in the end , Familiar devill , no familiar friend . 355 On Tobacco . Things which are common , common men do use , The better sort do common things refuse : Yet countrys-cloth-breech , & court-velvet-hose , Puff both alike , Tobacco , through the nose . 356 In Superbum . Rustick Superbus fine new cloath's hath got , Of Taffata and Velvet , fair in sight ; The shew of which hath so bewitch'd the sot , That he thinks Gentleman to be his right . But he 's deceiv'd ; for , true that is of old , An Ape 's an Ape , though he wear cloth of gold . 357 On Infidus . Infidus was so free of oathes last day , That he would swear , what e're he thought to say : But now such is his chance , whereat h●'s griev'd , The more he swears , the lesse he is believ'd . 358 On Christmas-Ivy . At Christmas men do alwaies Ivie get , And in each corner of the house it set . But why do they , then , use that Bacchus weed ? Because they mean , then , Bacchus-like to feed . 359 On Bacchus . Pot-lifting - Bacchus , to the earth did bend His k●ee , to drink a Health unto his friend : And there he did , so long , in liquor pour , That he lay quite sick-drunk upon the floor . Judge , was not there a drunkards kindnes shown , To drink his friend a Health , and lose his own ? 360 Of a fat man. He 's rich , that hath great in-comes by the year ; Then that great belly'd man is rich , I le swear : For sure , his belly ne'r so big had bin , Had he not daily had great comings-in . 361 Vindicta vim sequitur . Kitt being kick'd and spurr'd , pursu●s the Law , That doom'd the dammage at twice forty pence . W ch , whē the party w ch had wrong'd him , saw ; Thought t was too great a fine for such off●nce . Why then , quoth Kitt , if I too much request , Thou maist at any time kick out the rest . 363 On Flaccus . Flaccus being yong , they said he was a Gull ; Of his s●mplicity , each mouth was full : And pitying him , they 'd say , the foolish Lad Would be deceived , sure , of all he had . His youth is past , now may they turn him loose ; For why ? the Gull is grown to be a Goose. 363 Per plumas anser . See how y●ng Rufus walks in green each day , As if he ne'r was youthfull untill now : E're Christmas next , his green Goose will be gray , And those high burnish'd plumes in 's cap will bow . But you do wrong him , since his purse is full ▪ To call him Goose , that is so yong a Gull. 364 Of Ienkyn . Ienkyn is a rude clown , go tell him so . What need I tell , what he himself doth know ? Perhaps he doth not , then he is a sot ; For tell me , what knows he that knows it not ? 365 To Fortune . Poets say Fortune's blinde , and cannot see , And therefore to be born withall , if she Sometimes drop gifts on undeserving wights : But sure they are deceiv'd ; she hath her sight , Els could it not at all times so fall out , That fools should have , & wise men go without . 366 Vnde venis , memora . With earthen plate , Agathocles , they say , Did use to meal ; so serv'd with Samo's clay , When jewell'd plate , and rugged earth was by , He seem'd to mingle wealth and poverty . One ask'd the cause : he answers , I that am Si●ilia's King , from a poor Potter came . Hence learn , thou that art rais'd from mean estate ▪ To sudden riches , to be temperate . 367 On Leucus . Leucus loves life , yet liveth wickedly ; H● ha●eth death , yet wisheth he may dy Honestly and well : so what is naught he loves , And what he would have good , he nought approves . 368 On Biscus . I pray you Sir , give Biscus leave to speak , The Gander loves to hear himself to creak . 369 In Thrasonem . Since Thraso met one stoutly in the field , He crakes his spirit , & knows not how to yield ; Looks big , swears , strouts with set-side-arms the streets , Yet gently yields the wal to al he meets . And to his friends that asks the reason , why ? His an●wer's this , My self I grace thereby : For every one the common proverb knows , That alwaies to the wall the weakest go's . 370 In Cornutum . One told his wife , a Hart's-head he had bought , To hang his Hat upon , and home it brought . To whom his frugal wife , What needs that ca●● ▪ I hope , sweet-heart , your head your hat can bear ▪ 371 On More-dew . More-dew the Mercer , with a kinde salute , Would needs intreat my custom ● for a suit : Here Sir , quoth he , for Sattins , Velvets call , What e're you please , I le take your word for all ▪ I thank'd , took , gave my word ; say than , Am I at all indebted to this man ? 372 On Sims mariage . Six moneths , quoth Sim , a Suitor , and not sped ▪ I in a sev'n-night did both woo & wed . Who gre●n fruit loves , must take long pains to shake ▪ Thine was some downfall , I dare undertake . 373 On a Wittall . I know my fate , and that must bear ; And since I know , I need not fear . 374 On Mopsus . Mopsus almost , what e're he means to speak , Before it sir-reverence the way must break : Such maners hath sir-reverence learnt at school , That now sir-reverence Mopsus is a fool . 375 On Clym . Clym cals his wife , & reck'ning all his neighbors , Just half of them are Cuckolds , he averrs . Nay fie , quoth she , I would they heard you speak ; You of your self , it seems , no reckoning make . 376 Turpe lucrum Veneris . Will in a wilfull humour , needs would wed A wench of wonder , but without a stock ; Whose fame no sooner through the street was spred , But thither straight our chiefest Gallants flock . Put ca●e she 's poor , brings she not chapmen on ? I hope his stock may serve to graff upon . 377 On Womens f●ults . Wee Men in many faults abound , But two in Women can be found : The worst that from their sex proceeds , Is naught in words , and naught in deeds . 378 Si hodie tibi , cras mihi . A scornfull Dame , invited over-night , To come and dine next morrow with a Knight , Refus'd his sudden bidding with disdain . To whom this message was return'd again ; Sith with so short time she could not dispence , To pray her come at that day Twelve-moneth hence . 379 On Law. Our Civill-Law doth seem a Royall thing , It hath more Titl●s than the Spanish King : But yet the Common-Law quite puts it down , In getting , like the Pope , so many a Crown . 380 Better lost than found . Lo here 's a Coyner , yet he fears no death , For he ne'r stamps in mettall , but in breath : Swears from Believe me , & Good-faith & troth , Up to God-damn-me ; and without an oath Protests in nothing , be he ne'r so bare , He 's brave in this , that he can bravely swear . 381 In Coam . A nor 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 will Coa espy , Till she ascend up the corner'd 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 . 382 De Ore. Os of O , a Mouth , Scaliger doth make ; And from this letter , Mouth his name doth take . I had been in Scaligers belief , But that I look'd in O , and saw no Teeth . 383 In Hugonem . Though praise , & please , doth Hugo never none , Yet praise , and please , doth Hugo ever one ; For praise , and please , doth Hugo himself alone . 384 Fronti nulla fides . Cantus that Wooll-ward went , was wondred at ; Which he excus'd , as done through pure contrition . But who so simple , Cantus , credits that ? T is too wel known , thou art of worse condition . And therefore if no linnen thee begirt , The naked truth will prove , thou hast no shirt . 385 On Severus . Severus is extreme in Eloquence , For he creates rare phrase , but rarer sence : Unto his Serving-man , alias , his Boy . H● utters speech exceeding quaint and coy ; Diminitive , and my defective slave , My Pleasures pleasure is , that I must have My Corps Coverture , and immediately , T'insconce my person from frigidity . His man believes all 's Welsh his master spoke , Till he rails English , Rogue , go fetch my Cloak . 386 On a Gallant . What Gallant 's that , whose oathes fly through mine ears ? How like a Lord of Pluto's Court he swears ! How Dutch-man like he swallows down his drink ! How sweet he takes Tobacco , til he stink ! How lofty sprighted , he disdains a Boor : How faithfull hearted he is to a — ! How cock-tail proud he doth himself advance ! How rare his Spurs do ring the Morri●e-dance ! Now I protest , by Mistris Susans Fann , He and his Boy will make a proper Man. 387 Against Caius . Twenty small pieces I 'd have borrowed late , Which , if bestow'd , had been a gift not great : For , 't was a rich fri●nd whom I ask'd , and old ; Whose crowded chests would scarce his riches hold . He cry's , Turn Lawyer , and thou 'lt thrive : I'● have No Conncell , Caius , give me what I crave . 388 On Vertue , Milla's maid . Saith Aristotle , Vertue ought to be Communicative of her self , and free ; And hath not Vertue , Milla's maid , been so ? Who 's grown hereby , as big as she can go . 389 On Corydon . An home-spun Peasant with his Urine-glasse , The Doctour ask'd what Country-man he was . Quoth Corydon , with making legs full low , Your Worship , that , shall ●y my Water kn●w . 389 Fam● mendax . Report , thou sometime art ambitious , At other times , too sparing , covetous ; But many times exceeding envious , And out of time most dev'lish , furious . Of some , or all of these , I dare compound thee ; But for a Lyer ever have I found thee . 390 On a Spanish souldier . A Spanish souldier , sick unto the death , His Pistoll to 's Physician did bequeath . Who did demand , what should the reason be , 'Bove other things to give him that . ( Quoth he ) This , with your practise joyned , you may kill , Sir , all alive , and have the world at will. 391 On Otho . Three daughters Otho hath , his onely heirs , But will by no means let them learn to write ; 'Cause , after his own humour , much he fears , They 'l one day learn , Love-letters to indite . The yongest now 's with childe ; who taught her then , Or of her self learn'd she to hold her pen ? 392 On Hypocrisy . As Venison in a poor mans kitchin 's rare , So Hypocrites and Usurers in Heaven are . 393 On Man and Woman . When Man and Woman dies , as Poets sung , His Heart 's the last that stirs , of hers , the Tongue . 394 On Fabullus . I ask'd Fabullus , why he had no wife ? ( Quoth he ) because I 'd live a quiet life . 395 On Furnus . Furnus takes pains , he need not without doubt ; O yes , he labours much . How ? with the Gowt . 396 On a Thief . A Thief condemned for a hainous crime , Was for to lose his tongue at the same time : But he the Court intreats with feigned tears , To spare his Tongue , and cut off both his Ears . To t●is , the Judge , and all the Bench agreed , A●d for th'Executioner sent with speed : Who being come , and searching , there was found No Ears , but Hairs ; at which , all laughed round ▪ Sai●h th'Ju●ge , thou hast no Ears . Sir ( quoth the wight ) Where there is nought , the King must lose his right . 397 Quidn●● ebrietas ? ●ubin reports , his Mistris is a Punk ; Which being told ●er , was no whit dismaid , For sure as death ( quoth she ) the villains drunk ▪ And in that taking , knows not what he said . 'T was well excus'd , but oft it comes to pas●e , That true we finde , In vino veritas . 398 Infirmis-animosus . ●ontus by no means from his coyn departs , Z'foot , will you have of men more than their hearts ? 399 A culina ad curiam . Lixa , that long a Serving-groom hath been , Will now no more the man be known or seen : And reason good , he hath that place resign'd , Witnes his cloak , throughout with velvet lin'd . Which by a Paradox comes thus to passe , The greasie Gull is turn'd a gallant asse . 400 Fruf●ra vocaveris heri . Dick had but two words to maintain him ever , And t●at was , Stand ; and after , stand-Deliver . But Dick's in Newgate , and he fears shall never Be blest again with that sweet word , D●liver ▪ 401 Magnis non est morandum . See how Silenus walks accomplished , With due performance of his fathers Page : Looks back of purpose to be honoured , And on each slight occasion 'gins to rage ; You villain , dog , where hath your stay bin such ▪ Quoth he , the Broaker would not lend so muc● ▪ 402 Puduit sua ●amna referre . Such ill successe had Dick , at Dice , last night , As he was forc'd , next day , play least in sight : But if you love him , make thereof no speeches , He lost his Rapier , Cloak , and velvet Breeches . 403 Nimis-docuit consuetudo . Old Fucus board is oft replenished , But nought thereof must be diminished , Vnless some worthless upper-dish or twain ; The rest for service still again remain . His man that us'd to bring them in for show , Leaving a dish upon the bench below , Was by his Master ( much offended ) blam'd : Which he , as brief , with answer quickly fram'd ; ' Tath been so often brought afore this day , As now ch'ad thoft it self had known the way . 404 Poculo junguntur amici . A health , saith Lucas , to his Loves bright eye ; Which no● to pledge , were much indignity : You cannot do him greater courtesie , Than to be drunk , and damn'd for company . 405 Nullum s●imulum ignaris . Caecus awake , was told the Sun appear'd , Which had the darkness of the morning clear'd : But Caecus sluggish , thereto makes reply , The Sun hath further far to go than I. 406 Detur laus digniori . Mistris Marina 'mongst some gossips sate , Where faces were the Subject of their chat ; Some look'd too pale , some seem'd too fiery red , Some brown , some black , and some ill fashioned . Good Lord ( quoth she ) you all are much to blame , Let 's alone , and praise the maker of the same : Her Chamber maid , who heard her , standing by , Said , then love me , for that you know was I. 407 Non p●nna , sed ●sus . Caius accounts himselfe accurst of men , Only because his Lady loves him not : Who , till he taught her , could not hold her Pen , And yet hath since , another Tutor got . Caius , it seems , thy skill she did but cheapen , And means to try him at another weapen . 408 An absolute Gallant . If you will see true valour here display'd , Heare Poly-phemus , and be not afraid : D' ye see me wrong'd , and will ye thus restrain me ? Sir let me go , for by these hilts I 'le braine ye . Shall a base patch , with appearance wrong me ? I 'le kill the villaine , pray do not prolong me ; Call my Tobacco pu●rified stuffe ? Tell me it stinks ? say it is drosse I snuffe ? Sirrah what are you ? why sir what would you ? I am a Prentice , and will knock you too : O are you so ? I cry you mercy then , I am to fight with none but Gentlemen . 409 In Dolentem . Dolens doth shew his purse , and tels you this , It is mor● horrid than a Pest-house is ; For in a Pest-house many mortals enter , But in his purse one angell dares not venture . 410 Ambo-dexter . Two Gentlemen of hot and fiery sp'rite , Took boat and went up west-ward to go fight ; Embarked both , for Wend-worth they set Sail , And there arriving with a happy gale . The Water-men discharged for their fare , Then to be parted , thus their minds declare : Pray Oares , say they , stay here , and come not nigh , We go to fight a little , but here by : The Water-men , with Staves did follow then , And cry'd , oh hold your hands , good Gentlemen , You know the danger of the Law , forbear ; So they put weapons up , and fell to swear . 411 On a Gallant . Sirrah come hither , boy , take view of me , My Lady I am purpos'd to go see ; What , doth my Feather flourish with a grace ? And this my curled hair become my face ? How decent doth my doublet 's forme appear ? I would I had my sute in Hounds-ditch here . Do not my Spurs pronounce a silv●r sound ? Is not my hose-circumference profound ? Sir these be well , but there is one thing ill , Your Taylor with a sheet of paper-bill , Vow 's he 'll be paid , and Sergeants he hath fee'd ▪ Which wait your comming forth to do the deed . Boy God-a-mercy , let 〈◊〉 Lady stay , I 'le see no Counter for her sake to day ▪ 412 In sextum . Sextus sixe pockets wears ; two for his uses , The other four , to pocket up abuses . 413 Tom's Fortune . Tom tels he 's robb'd , and counting all his losses , Concludes , all 's gone , the world is full of crosses : If all be gone , Tom take this comfort then , Th' art certain never to have crosse agen . 414 Opus & Vsus . Opus for need , consum'd his wealth apace , And ne're would cease untill he was undone ; His brother Vsus liv'd in better case Than Opus did although the eldest Son. 'T is strange it should be so , yet here was it , Opus had all the Land , Vsus the Wit. 415 A good Wi●e . A Batchelor would have a Wife were wis● , Faire , rich , and yong , a maiden for his his bed — Nor proud , no● churli●h , but of faultlesse size ; A Country huswife , in the City bred . But he 's a fool , and long in vain hath staid ; He should bespeak her , there 's none ready made . 416 On an inconstant Mistris . I dare not much say , when I thee commend , Lest thou be changed e're my prayses end . 417 In Lesbiam . Why should I love thee Lesbia ? I no reason see , Then out of reason , Lesbia I love thee . 418 In Paulinum . Paul by day wrongs me , yet he daily swears . He wisheth me as well as to his soul : I know his drift to damne that he nought cares , To please his body ; therefore good friend Paul , If thy kind Nature , will affoord me grace , Hereafter love me in thy body's place . 419 On Zeno. Zeno would faine th' old widow Egle have ; Trust me she 's wise , for she is rich and brave : But Zeno , Zeno , she will none of you , In my mind she 's the wiser of the two . 420 To Cotta . Be not wroth Cotta , that I not salute thee , I us'd it whilst I wor thy did repute thee ; Now thou art made a painted saint , and I , Cotta , will not commit Idolatry . 421 To Women . Ye that have beauty , and withall no pity , Are like a prick-song lesson without ditty . 422 On Creta . Creta doth love her husband wondro●s well , It needs no proof , for every one can tell : So strong 's her love , tha● if I not mist ake , It doth extend to others , for his sake . 423 On Priscus . Why still doth Priscus strive to have the wall ? Because he 's often dr●nk , and fears to fall . 424 Ictus piscator sapit . Brutus at length escap'd the Surgeons hands , Begins to frollique as if all were well ; And would not for the worth of thrice his lands , Endure the brunt of such another hell ; But leaves this farewell , for his Physicks hire ; the child tha●'s burnt , for ever dreads the fire . 425 On Rufus . At all , quoth Rufus , set ye , what you dare ? I 'le throw at all , and 't were a peck of gold ; No life lies on 't , then coyn I 'le never spare , Why Rufus , that 's the cause of all that 's sold. For with franck gamesters it doth oft befall , they throw at all , till thrown quite out of all . 426 On Tobacco . Tobacco is a weed of so great power , That it ( like earth ) doth all it feeds , devour . 427 Ne● vultus indicat virum . Dick in a raging deep discourtesie , Call'd an A●torny meer necessity : The more Kna●e he , admit he had no Law , Must he be ●louted at by every Daw ? 428. On F●rius . Furius a Lover was , and had loving fits ▪ He lov'd so madly , that he lost his wits ; Yet he lost nought , yet grant I he was mad , How could he loose that which he never had ? 429 Fooles Fortune . God sends fools Fortune , but not to all , For some are great fools , whose fortunes are small . 430 Tace sed age . Little or nothing said , soon mended is , But they that nothing do , do most amisse . 431 On a Mad-màn . One ask'd a mad-man if a wife he had ? A wife , quoth he , I never was so mad . 432 To Scilla . If it be true , that promise is a debt , Then Scill● will her freedome hardly get ; For if she hath vow'd her service to so many , She 'll neither pay them all , nor part from any . Yet she to satisfy her debts , desires To yeild her body ( as the La● r●quires . ) 433 Nescis , quid serus vesper vehat . Lyncus deviseth as he lies in bed , What new apparrell , he were best to make him : So many fashions flow within his head , As much he fears the Taylor will mistake him : But he mistook him not , that by the way , Did for his old ●uit lay him up , that day . 434 To Ficus . Ficus hath lost his nose , but knows not how , And that seems strange to every one that knows it : Methinks I see it written in his brow , How , wherefore , and the cause that he did loose it . To tell you true , Ficus I thus suppose , 'T was some French Caniball , bit off your nose . 435 Of Arnaldo . Arnaldo free from fault , demands his wife , Why he is burthen'd with her wicked life ? Quoth she , good husband , do not now repent , I far more burthens bear , yet am content . 436 Quis nisi mentis inops — Ware profer'd , stinks , yet stay good Proverb , stay , Thou art deceiv'd , as clients best can say ; Who profering trebble fees , for single care , It 's well accepted , gold it is such ware . 437 On a Friend inde●d . A reall friend a Canon cannot batter ; With nom'nall friends , a Squib's a perilous matter . 438 Mans ingresse , and egresse . Nature , which headlong , into life did throng us , With our feet forward , to our grave doth bring us : What is lesse ours , than this our borrowed breat● ? We stumble into life , we go to death . 439 On bad de●tors . Bad debtors are good lyers ; for they say , I 'le pay you without fail , on such a day : Come is the day , to come the debt is still , So still they lye , though stand in debt they will. But Fulcus hath so oft ly'd in this wise , That now he lies in Lud-gate for his lyes . 440 On a foolish dolt . A Justice walking o're the frozen Thames , The Ice about him round , began to crack ; He said to 's man , here is some danger , Iames , I prethee help me over on thy back . 441 On Panurgus . Panurgus pryes in high and low affairs , He talks of forraigne , and our civill state : But for his own , he neither counts nor cares ; That he refers to fortune and his ●ate , His neighbors faults straight in his face he 'l find , But in a bag he laps his own behind . 442 To a sleeping talker . In sleep thou talk'st unfore-thought mysteries , And utter'st unfore-seen things , with close eyes : How wel wouldst thou discourse , if thou wert dead , Since sleep , death's image , such fine talk hath bred ? 443 Omne simile non est idem . Together as we walk'd , a friend of mine , Mistook a painted Madam for a signe That in a window stood ; but I acquainted , Told him it was no woodden signe was painted , But Madam — yea true said he , Yet 't is little signe of modesty . 444 Qui ebrius laudat temperantiam . Severus likes not these unseason'd lines , Of rude absurdities , times foul abuse , To all posterities , and their assignes , That might have bin , saith he , to better use . What sencelesse gull , but reason may convince , Or jade so dull , but being kick'd will wince . 445 On Misus . They say the Usurer Misus hath a mill , Which men to powder grindeth cruelly ; But what is that to me ? I feare no ill , For smaller than I am , I cannot be . 446 On wisdome and vertue . Wise-men are wiser than good-men , what then ? 'T is better to be wiser than wise men . 447 On Ducus . Ducus keeps house , and it with reason stands , That he keep house , hath sold away his lands , 448 On Mysus , and Mopsus . Mysus and Mopsa hardly could agree , Striving about superiority : The Text which saith that man and wife are one , Was the chief argument they stood upon . She held , they both one woman should become : He held , they should be man , and both but one . So they contended dayly , but the strife ; Could not be ended , till both were one wife . 448 On Photinus . I met Photynus at the B. Court , Cited ( as he said ) by a knave relator : I ask'd him wherefore ? he in laughing sort , Told me it was but for a childish matter . How ere he laught it out , he lied not : Indee d'twas childish , for the child he got . 449 On Ca●triotes . See , see , what love is now betwixt each fist , Since Castriotes had a scabby wrist : How kindly they , by clawing one another , As if the left ha●d were the right hands brother . 450 New Rhetoricke . Good arguments without coyn , will not stick , To pay , and not to say's best Rhetorick . 451 Est mi●i Diva parens . Ominus wondreth , since he came from Wales , What the description of this Isle might be ; That ne're had seen but mountains , hils , and dales , Yet would he boast , and stand on 's pedegree . From Rice ap Ric●ard , sprung from Dick a Cow , Be cod was right good gentle-man , look ye now ? 452 On T●irsites . Although Thirsites have a filthy facae , And staring eyes , and little outward grace : Yet this he hath , to make amends for all , Nature h●r selfe , is not more naturall . 453 On Zoylus . If Souldiers may obtain four Termes of war , Muskets should be the pleaders , Pikes the bar : For black bags , Bandeleirs , Jackets for gownes , Angels for fees ; we 'll take no more crack't crowns . 454 On a swearing Gallant . What God cōmands , this wretched creature loathes , He never names his Maker , but by oathes : And weares his tongue , of such a damned fashion , That swearing is his only recreation . In morning , even assoon as he doth rise , He swears his sleep is scarcely out of 's eyes ; Then makes him ready , swearing all the while , The drowzy weather did him much beguile . Got ready , he , to dice or tables goes , Swearing an oath , at every cast he throws : To dinner next , and then in stead of Grace , He swears his stomack is in hungry case . No sooner din'd , but calls , come take away , And swears 't is late , he must goe see a Play. There sits , and swears , to all he hears and see 's , This speech is good , that action disagrees . So takes his Oa●es , and swears he must make hast , His houre of Supper-time is almost past . 455 On a long Beard . Thy Beard is long , better it would thee ●it , To have a shorter Be●rd , and longer wit. 456 On my Selfe . Who seeks to please all men each way , And not himselfe offend ; He may begin to work to day , But God knows when hee 'l end . 457 To the mis-interperter . Cease gaul'd backt guilt , those inscious lines to mince , The world wil know y' are rubd if once you wince They hem within their ●eeming Critique wall , Particularly none , generally all : 'Mongst which if you have chanc'd to catch a prick Cry we-hy if you will , but do not kick ▪ 458 On a Mother and her son having but two eyes betwixt the● , each one . A half blind-boy , born of a half blind mother , Peerlesse for beauty , save compar'd to th' other ; Faire boy , give her thine eye and she will prove The Queen of beauty , thou the God of love . 459 To his quill . Thou hast been wanton , therefore it is meet , Thou ' shouldst do penance do it in a sheet . 460 Of C●irst crucified . When red the Sun goes down , we use to say It is a signe , we shall have a faire day : Blood red the Sun of Heaven went down from hence And we have had faire weather ever since . 461 On himselfe . Mirth pleaseth some , to others 't is offen●e , Some cōmend plain conceits , some profound sence Some wish a witty jest , some dislike that , And most would have themselves they know not what Then he that would plea●e all , and himselfe too , Takes more in hand than he is like to doe . 462 To young men . Yong men fly , when beauty darts Amorous glances at your hearts , The fixt marke gives your shooter aime , And Ladyes lookes have power to maime , Now 'twixt their lips , now in ●heir eyes 〈◊〉 a kisse or smile love lyes , Then fly betimes for onely they Conquer love that run away . 463 The pens prosopopeia to the Scrivener . Thinike who when you cut the quill , Wounded was yet did no ill ; When you mend me , thinke you must Mend your selfe , else you 're unjust When you dip my nib in Inke , Thinke on him that gall did drinke , When the Inke sheds from your pen , Thinke who shed his blood for men ; When you write , but thinke on this , And you ne're shall write amisse . 464 A raritie . If thou bee'st born to strange sights , Things invisible to see : Ride ten thousand dayes and nights , Till age snow white haires on thee . And thou when thou return'st wilt tell me ; All strange wonders that befell thee , And thou ' lt sweare that no where Lives a maiden true and faire . 465 Vpon Tom Tolt●am's nose . The radiant colour of Tom Toltham's nose , Puts down the lilly and obscures the rose ; Had I a jewell of such pretious hew , I would present it to some Monarch's view , No subject should possesse such jems as those Ergo , the King must have Tom Toltham's nose . 466 Vpon Thorough-good an unthrif● . Thy sir name Thorough-good befitteth thee , Thou T●orough-good , and good goes thorough thee Nor thou in good , nor good in thee doth stay , Both of you , thorough goe , and passe away . 467 In Amorem . Love , if a God thou art , then evermore thou must Be mercifull and just , If just thou be , O wherefore doth thy dart , Wound mine alone , and not my Mistrisse heart ? If mercifull , then why am I to paine reserv'd , Who have the truly serv'd ? Whiles she that for thy power cares not a fly , ●aughs thee to scorn , and lives at liberty : Then if a God thou wilt accounted be Heale me like her , or else wound her like me . 468 Ariddle on a pound of candles . One evening as cold as cold might bee , With frost and snow , and pinching weather , Companions about three times three , Lay close all in a bed together ; Yet one after other they took● a heat , And dy'd that night all in a sweat . 469 On the new aressings . Ladyes that weare black cypresse vailes , Turn'd lately to white linnen railes , And to your girdle weare your bands ; And shew your armes in stead of hands : What can you do in Lent more meet , As fittest dresse , than weare a sheet : 'T was once a band , t is now a cloake , An acorne one day proves an oake , Weare but your lawn unto your feet , And then your band will prove a sheet : By which device and wise excesse , You do your pennance in a dresse , And none shall know , by what they see , Which Lady 's censur'd , which goes free . 469 T●us answered . Blacke Cypresse vailes are shrouds of night , White linnen railes are railes of light ; Which though we to our girdles weare , W'have hands to keepe your armes off there ; Who makes our bands to be a cloake , Makes Iohn a Stiles of Iohn an Oke : We weare our linnen to our feet , Yet need not make our band a sheet . Your Clergie wears as long as wee , Yet that implyes conformitie : Be wise , recant what you have writ , Least you do pennance for your wit : Love charmes have power to weave a string Shall tye you , as you ty'd your ring , Thus by loves sharpe , but just decree You may be censur'd , we go free . 470 Amicitia . What 's ●riendship ? 't is a treasure , 't is a pleasure : Bred 'twixt two worthy spirits , by their merits : 'T is two ●inds in one , meeting never fleeting : Two wils in one consenting , each contenting , One brest in two divided , yet not parted ; A double body , and yet single hearted ; Two bodies making one , through self election , Two minds , yet having both but one affection . 471 ▪ To his Mistrisse . I cannot pray you in a studied stile , Nor speak words distant from my heart a mile ; I cannot visit Hide-parke every day , And with a hackney court my time away ; I cannot spanniolize it weeke by week , Or waite a moneth to kisse your hand or cheek ; If when you 'r lov'd you cannot love againe , Why doe but say so , I am out of paine . 472 On the Queene of Bohemia . You meaner Beauties of the night , Which poorely satisfie our eyes ; More by your number then your light ; The common people of the skies : What are ye when the moon shall rise ? You violets that first appeare , By your purple mantle known ; Like proud virgins of the yeere , As if the Spring were all your own ; What are you when the rose is blown ? You wandring chaunters of the wood , That fill the ayre with natures layes : Thinking your passions understood , By weak accents , where 's your praise , When Philomell her voyce shall raise : So when my Princesse shall be seen , In sweetnes of her lookes and mind : By vertues first , then choyce a Queen , Tell me , was she not design'd , Th' eclipse and glory of her kind ? 473 To his noble friend . There 's no necessity that can exclude The poorest being from a gratitude ; For when the strength of fortune lends no more , He that is truely thankefull is not poore , Yours be the bounty then , mine the great debt , On which no time , nor power can ransome set . 474 Fatum Supremum . All buildings are but monuments of death , All clothes but winding sheets for our last knell , All dainty fattings for the worms beneath , All curious musique , but our passing bell ; Thus death is nobly waited on , for why ? All that we have is but deaths livery . 475 On his Mrs. death Unjustly we complain of fate , For short'ning our unhappy dayes , When death doth nothing but translate And print ●s in a better phrase ; Yet who can choose but weep ? not I , That beautie of such excellence , And more vertue then could dy ; By deaths rude hand is ravish'd hence , Sleepe blest creature in thine Urne , My sighes , my teares shall not awake thee , I but stay untill my turne And then , Oh then ! I 'le overtake thee . 476 Aequè facilitas ac difficultas nocet amoris . I love not her that at the first cries I , I love not her that doth me still deny , Be she too hard shee 'll cause me to despaire , Be she too easie , shee 's as light as faire ; 'T is hard to say whether most hurt procure , She that is hard or easy to allure , If it be so , then lay me by my side The hard , soft , willing and unwilling bride . 477 In monumenta Westminsteriensia . Mortality behold and feare , What a change of flesh is here ; Thinke how many royall bones , Sleep within this heap of stones , Here they ly , had realmes and lands ; Who now want strength to stir their hands ; Where from their Pulpits seel'd with dust , They preach , In greatnes is no trust ; Here 's an acre sown indeed , With the richest royal'st seed , That the earth did e're suck in Since the first man dy'd for sin , Here the bones of birth have cry'd , Though Gods they were , as men they dy'd : Here are sands , ignoble things , Drop'd from the ruin'd sides of Kings ; Here 's a world of pompe and state , Buried in dust , once dead by fate . 478 Semel it sa●ivimus . Beldam , God blesse thee , thou want'st nought but wit And having gotten that , we 'r freed from it , Bridewell , I cannot any way dispraise thee For thou dost feed the poore and jerke the lazie . New-gate , of thee I cannot much complaine ; For once a moneth , thou freest men out of paine , But from the Counters gracious Lord defend us : To Bedlam , Bridewell , or to New gate send us , For there in time wit , worke , or law sets free ; But here wit , work , nor law gets liberty . 479 On the Marriage of one Turbolt , with Mrs. Hill. What are Deucalions dayes return'd that we , A Turbolt swimming on a Hill do see ? What shall we in this age so strange report , That fishes leave the sea on hils to sport ? And yet this hill , though never tir'd with standing Lay gently down to give a Turbolt landing . 480 Vpon Annas marriadge with a lawyer . Anne is an angell , what if so shee be ? What is a angell ? but a lawyers fee. 481 In Cupidinem . Who grafts in blindnes may mistake his stock , Love hath no tree , but that whose bark is smock . 482 Aenigma . The Devill men say in Devonshire dy'd of late ; But Devonshire lately liv'd in rich estate , Till Rich his toyes did Devonshire so bewitch , As Devonshire dy'd and left the Devill rich . 483 On Cupid . Why feign they Cupid robbed of sight ; Can he whose seat is in the eye , want light ? 484 A● answer . Experience shews , and reason doth decree That he who sits in 's owne light cannot see . 485 Barten Holiday to the Puritan on his Technogamia . 'T is not my person , nor my play , But my sirname , Holiday , That does offend thee , thy complaints Are not against me , but the Saints ; So ill dost thou endure my name , Because the Church doth like the same , A name more awfull to the puritane Then Talbo● unto france , or Drake to Spaine ▪ 486 On a Picture . This face here pictur'd time shall longer have , Then life the substance of it , or the grave , Yet as I change from this by death I know , I shall like death , the liker death I grow . 487 In Meretrices . The law hangs theeves for their unlawfull stealing , The law carts bawds for keeping of the doore , The law doth punish rogues , for roguish dealing , The law whips both the pander and the whore ; But yet I muse from whence this law is grown ; Whores must not steal , yet must not use their own . 487 On the Citty Venice . When in the Adriatick Neptune saw How Venice stood , and gave the seas their law , Boast thy Tarpeian towers , now Iove said he , And Mars thy wals , if Tiber 'fore the sea Thou dost prefer , view both the cities ods , Thou'l● say that men built Rome , Venice , the gods . 488 To a Lady that every morning used to paint her fa●e . Preserve what nature gave you , nought's more base , Th●n Belgian colour on a Roman face , Much good time 's lost , you rest your faces debtor , And make it worse , striving to make it better . 489 On a Cuckold . My friend did tax me seriously one morne , That I would weare , yet could not winde a horne And I reply'd he perfect truth should find it , Many did weare the horn that could not wind it , Howe're of all that man may weare it best , Who makes claime to it as his ancient crest . 490 Vpon Marriage . Marriage as old men note , hath likened bin Unto a publiq●e feast or common route , Where those that are without , would fain get in , And those that are within would faine get out . 491 Quicquid non nummus . The mony'd man can safely saile all seas , And make his fortune as himselfe shall please , He can wed Danae , and command that now Acrisius selfe that fatall match allow : He can declaime , chide , censure verses , write , And do all things better then Cato might ; He knows the Law and rules it , hath and is Whole Servius , and what Labeo can possesse , In briefe let rich men wish what e're they love , 'T will come , they in a lock'd chest keep a Iove . 492 On Annas a news-monger . Annas hath long eares for all news to passe : His eares must needs be long for hee 's an asse . 494 Semel in●anivimus omnes . Thus have I waded through a worthlesse taske , Whereto I trust there 's no exception ta'ne , For meant to none , I answer such as aske , 'T is like apparell made in birchen lane ; If any please to suit themselves and weare it , The blames not mine but theirs that needs will weare it . 495 To Aulus . Some ( speaking in their own renown ) Say that this book , was not exactly done ; I care not much , like banquets , let my bookes Rather be pleasing to the guests then cooks . 496 Ad sesquipedales poetastros . Hence Brauron's God to Tauriminion , And you Levaltoring Corybants be gone ; Fly thundring Bronsterops to Hippocrene , And Maur●s to nimph nursing Mytelene ; Grisly Maegera's necromantique spell Depart to blacke nights Acheronticke cell : Avaunt transformed Epidarian , Unto th' Antipod Isles of Tabraban , Away Cyllenius plumy-pinnion'd God , With thy peace making wand , snake charming rod And all the rest not daring looke upon Vranus ' blood-borne brood , and fell Typhon Chimaera's victor great Bellepheron ; Thou vanquisher of Spanish Geryon , Stout Asdruball Sicilian Lord of yore , Thou that destroyd'st the Calidonian bore ; Couragious conqueror of Creetes Minotaure , Thou pride of Mermeros ' cloudy Semitaure . Perseus whose marble stone transforming shield ; Enfor●'d the whale , Andromeda to yeeld , You Argonautes that scour'd Syndromades , And pass't the quicke sands of Semplegades , Helpe Demogorgon , King of heaven and earth , Chaos Lucina at Litigiums birth , The world with child looks for delivery Of Cannibals or Poetophagie ; A devillish brood , from Ericthonius , From Iphidemia , Nox , and Erebus , Chide Pegasus for op'ning Helicon , And Poets damn to Pery-Phlegeton , Or make this monstrous birth abortive be Or else I will shake hands with poetrie . 497 A Serving man. One to a Serving man this councell sent , To get a Master that 's intelligent ; Then if of him no wages he could get , Yet he would understand he 's in his debt . 498 Two Theeves . Two Theeves by night began a lock to pick , One in the house awake ; thus answer'd quick , Why how now ? what a stir you there do keep , Goe home again , we are not yet asleep . 499 A Physitian and a Farrier . A neate Physitian for a Farrier sends To dresse his horse , promising him amends . Nay ( quoth the Farrier ) amends is made , For nothing do we take of our own trade . 500 A poore Peasant . A poore man being sent for to the King , Began to covet much a certaine thing Before he went : being but an Iron naile , His friend did aske him what it would availe ? ( Quoth he ) this is as good as one of steele , For me to knock now into fortunes wheele . 501 Three Pages . Three Pages on a time together met , And made a motion , that each one would let The other know what hee 'd desire to be Having his wish , thereto they did agree . Quoth one , to be a Melon I would chuse , For then I 'm sure , none would refuse To kisse my breech although the sent were hot , And so they 'd know whether I were good or not . 502 A Gentleman and his Phisitian . A Gentleman not richest in discretion , Was alwayes sending for his own phisition . And on a time he needs would of him know , What was the cause his pulse did go so slow ? Why ( quoth the Doctor ) thus it comes to passe , Must needs go slow , which goes upon an asse . 503 A Peasant and his wife . A Peasant with his wife was almost wilde , To understand his Daughter was with childe , And said if to the girle sh 'ad taken heed , Sh 'ad not been guilty of so foule a deed . Husband ( said she ) I sweare by cock , ( Welfare a good old token ) The Dev●ll him selfe can't keep that lock Which every key can open . 504 G-L-Asse . He that loves Glasse without a G , Leave out L and that is hee . — Nihil hic nisi carmina desunt . EPITAPHS . 1. On a travelling begger . HEre lies a Vagrant person whom our lawes , ( Of late growne strict ) denied passage , cause Hee wandred thus , therefore returne he must , From whence at first he hither came , to dust . 2. On a Mason . So long the Mason wrought on other's walles , That his owne house of clay to ruine falles : No wonder spitefull death , wrought his annoy , He us'd to build , and death seekes to destroy . 3. On a Dyer . Though death the Dyer colour-lesse hath made , Yet he dies pale , and will not leave his trade ; But being dead , the meanes yet doth not lacke To die his friends cloth into mourning blacke . Some sure foresaw his death , for they of late Vs'd to exclaime upon his dying fate . And weake , and faint , he seem'd oft-times t' have been , For to change colours , often he was seen ; Yet there no matter was so foule , but he Would set a colour on it handsomlye . Death him no unexpected stroke could give That learnt to dye , since he began to live . He shall yet prove , what he before hath try'd , And shall once more , live after he hath dy'd . 4. Of a Schoolemaster . The grāmer Schoole a long time taught I have , Yet all my skill could not decline the grave , But yet I hope it one day will be show'ne In no case save the Ablative alone . 5. On William Shake-speare . Renowned Spencer lye a thought more nigh To learned Chaucer , and rare Beaumont lye A little neerer Spencer , to make roome For Shake-speare in your threefold , fourefold tombe To lodge all foure in one bed make a shift Vntill Doomes d●y , for hardly will a fifth Betwixt this day and that by Fates be slaine ▪ For whom your curtaines may be drawn againe . If your precedencie in death doe barre A fourth place in your sacred Sepulchre ; Vnder this sacred marble of thine owne , Sleepe rare Tragaedian Shake-speare ! sleep alone . Thy unmolested peace in an unshared cave Possesse as Lord , not tenant of thy grave . That unto us , and others it may bee Honour hereafter to be laid by thee . 6. On a youth . Now thou hast Heaven for merit , but 't is strange Mortality should ●nvie at thy change : But God thought us unfit , for such as thee , And made thee consort of eternitye . We grieve not then , that thou to heaven art takē But that thou hast thy friends so soone forsaken ▪ 7. On Prince Henry . I have no veine in verse , but if I could , Distill on every word a pearle I would . Our sorrowes pearles drop not from pens , but eies , Whilst other's Muse ? write , mine onely cries . 8. On a Foot-boy that dyed with overmuch running . Base tyrant death thus to assaile one tyr'd Who scarse his latest breath beeing left expir'd ; And being too too cruell thus to stay So swift a course , at length ran quite away . But pretty boy , be sure it was not death That left behind thy body out of breath : Thy soule and body running in a race , Thy soule held out ; thy body tyr'd apace , Thy soule gained , and left that lump of clay To rest it selfe , untill the latter day . 9. On Hobson the Carrier . Hobson , ( what 's out of sight is out of mind ) Is gone , and left his letters here behind . He that with so much paper us'd to meet ; Is now , alas ! content to take one sheet . 10. Another . He that such carriage store , was wont to have , Is carried now himselfe unto his grave : O strange ! he that in life ne're made but one , Six Carriers makes , now he is dead and gone . 11. Another . Here Hobson lyes , prest with a heavy loade , Who now is gone the old and common Roade ; The waggon he so lov'd , so lov'd to ride , That he was drawing on , whilst that he dy'd . 12. Another . Hobson●s not dead but Charles the Northerne swaine Hath sent for him , to draw his lightsome-waine . 13. On a treachero●s Warrener . Behold here lyes a scalded pate quite bare ▪ In catching conies , who lost many a hare . 14. On a faire Damosell . Life is the Road to death , & death Heavens gate must be , Heaven is the throne of Christ , & Christ is life to me . 15. On a Foot-man . This nimble foot-man ran away from death , And here he rested being out of breath ; Here death him overtooke , made him his slave , And sent him on an errand to his grave . 16. On Queene Anne , 〈◊〉 dyed in March , was kept all Aprill , and buried in May. March with his winds hath strucke a Cedar tall , And weeping April mournes the Cedar's fall ; And May intēds her month no flow'rs shal bring Since she must lose , the flow'r of all the spring . Thy March his winds have caused April show'rs And yet sad May must lose his flow'r of flow'rs . 17. Iustus Lipsius . Some have high mountaines of Parian stone , And some in brasse carve their inscription , Some have their tombes of costly marble rea●'d , But in our teares , onely art thou interr'd . 18. On a child of two yeeres old , being borne and dying in Iuly . Here is laid a July-flow'r With surviving teares bedew'd Not despayring of that houre When her spring shall be renew'd ; E're she had her Summer seene , Shee was gather'd , fresh and greene . 29. Another . Like bird of prey , Death snatcht away , This harmelesse dove , Whose soule so pure Is now secure In heaven above . 20. Another . That flesh is grasse It 's grace a flower Reade e're you passe Whom wormes dovour● . 21. On a Cobler . Death at a Coblers doore oft made a stand , And alwaies found him on the mending hand ; At last came death in very foule weather , And ript the soale , from the upper leather : Death put a trick upon him , and what was 't ? The cobler call'd for 's awle , death brought his Laste . 22. On a Lock-smith . A zealous Lock-smith dy'd of late , Who by this time 's at heaven-gate The reason why he will not knocke Is , 'cause he meanes to picke the locke . 23. On a Collier . Here lies the Collier Jenkin Dashes , By whom death nothing gain'd he swore , For living he was dust and ashes : And being dead , he is no more . 24. On Dick Pinner . Here lyes Dick Pinner , O ungentle death ! Why did'st thou rob Dick Pinner of his breath ? For living , he by scraping of a pin Made better dust , then thou hast made of him . 25. On M. Thomas Best . With happie stars he sure is blest , Where ● ere he goes , that still is Best . 26. On Robyn . Round Robyn's gone , & this grave doth inclose The pudding of his doublet and his hose . 27. On Proud Tygeras . Proud and foolish , so it came to passe , He liu'd a Tyger , and he dy'd and Asse . 28. On Iohn Cofferer . Here lyes Iohn Cofferer , and takes his rest , Now he hath chang'd a coffer for a chest . 29. On blind and deafe Dicke Freeman . Here lyes Dicke Freeman That could not heare , nor see man. 30. On a Miller . Death without warning , was as bold as briefe , When he kill'd two in one , Miller & Thiefe . 31. On a disagreeing couple . Hîc jacet ille , qui ●enties & mille : Did scold with his wife , Cùm illo jacet illa , quae communis in villâ did quittance his life : His name was Nicke , the which was sicke , And that very mal● , Her name was Nan , who lou'd well a man , So gentlemen vale . 32. On a Sack-sucker . Good reader blesse thee , be assur'd , The spirit of Sack lyes here immur'd : Who havock'd all he could come by For Sack , and here quite sack'd doth lye . 33. On a Lady . Here lyes one dead under this marble stone , Who when she liv'd , lay under more than one ▪ 34. On a Westler . Death to this Wrestler , gave a fine fall ▪ That tript up his heeles , and tooke no hold at all . 35. On Iohn Death . Here 's Death intterred , that liu'd by bread , Then all should live , now death is dead . 36. On a Scrivener . Here to a period , is the Scrievener come , This is the last sheet , his full point this tombe . Of all aspersions I excuse him not , 'T is knowne he liu'd not , without many a blot ; Yet he no ill example shew'd to any , But rather gave good coppies unto many : He in good letters alwaies hath beene bred And hath writ more , then many men have read . He rulers had as his command by law , And though he could not hang , yet he could draw . He far more bond men had & made than any , A dash alone of his pen ruin'd many . That not without good reason , we might call Hi● letters great or little Capitall : Yet is the Scriveners fate as sure as just , When he hath all done , then he falls to dust . 37. On a Chandler . How might his dayes end that made weekes ? or hee That could make light , here laid in darkenes bee ? Yet since his weekes were spent how could he chose But be depriu'd of light & his trade lose ▪ Yet dead the Chandler is , and sleep's in peace , No wonder ! long since melted was his greace : It seemes that he did evill , for daylight He hated , and did rather wish the night , Yet came his workes to light , & were like gold Prou'd in the fire , but could not tryall hold . His candle had an end , and death's black night Is an extinguisher of all his light . 38. On a young gentle-woman . Nature in this small volume was about To perfect what in women was left out ; Yet carefull least a peice so well begun Should want preservatives when she had done : E're she could finish , what she undertooke , Threw dust upon it , and shut up the booke . 39. On an Infant . The reeling world turn'd poet , made a play , I came to see 't , dislik't it , w●nt my way . 40. On a Lady dying quickly after her husband . He first deceased , she a little try'd To live without him , liked not , and dy'd . 41. On a Smith . Farewell stout Iron-side , not all thine art Could make a shield against death's envious dart . Without a fault no man , his life doth passe , For to his vice the Smith addicted was . He oft , ( as choller is encreas't by fire ) Was in a ●ume , and much enclin'd to ire . He had so long bin us'd to forge , that he Was with a blacke coale markt for forgery But he for witnesse needed not to care , Who but a blacke-smith was , though ne●'e so fayre . And opertunities he slacked not That knew to strike , then when the●ir'n was hot As the doore-nailes he made , hee 's now as dead , He them , & death him , hath knockt on the head . 42. On Mr. Stone . Jerusalems curse is not fulfill'd in mee , For here a stone upon a stone you see . 43. On a Child . Into this world as stranger to an Inne This child came guest-wise , where when it had beene A while and f●und nought worthy of his stay , He onely broke his fast & went away . 44. On a man drown'd in the snow . Within a fleece of silent waters drown'd ; Before my death was knowne a grave I found . That which exil'd my life from her sweet home , For griefe straight froz it selfe into a tombe . One element my angry fate thought meet To be my death , grave , tombe , & winding-sheet , Phaebus himselfe mine Epitaph had writ , But blotting many e're he thought one fit ; He wrote untill my grave , and tombe were gone , And ●twas an Epitaph that I had none ; For every one that passed by that way , Without a sculpture read that there ● lay ; Here now the second time untomb'd I lye , And thus much have the best of Destinie : Corruption from which onely one was free , Devour'd my grave but did not feede on mee : My first grave tooke me from the ●ace of men , My last shall give me backe to life agen . 45. On Prince Henry . In natur's law 't is a plaine case to dye , No cunning Lawyer can demurre on that ; For cruell death and destiny , Serve all men with a Latitat . So Princely Henry ; when his case was try'd , Confess'd the action , paid the debt , and dy'd . 46. On Mr. Strange . Here lyes one Strange , no Pagan , Turke , nor Jew It 's strange , but not so strange as it is true . 47. On a Scholler . Forbeare friend t' unclaspe this booke Onely in the fore-front looke , For in it have errours bin , Which made th' authour call it in : Yet know this , 't shall have more worth , At the second comming forth . 48. On a young woman . The body which within this earth is laid , Twice sixe weekes knew a wife , a saint , a maid ; Fair maid , chast wif , pure saint , yet 't is not strange She was a woman therefore pleas'd to change : And now shee 's dead , some woman doth remaine For still she hopes , on●e to be chang'd againe . 49. On Brawne . Here Br●wne the quondam begger lyes ▪ Who counted by his tale , Full sixscore winters in his life ; Such vertue is in ale . Ale was his meate , ale was his drinke , Ale did him long reprive , And could he still have drunke his ale , He had beene still alive . 50. On a lyar . Good passenger ! here lyes one here , That living did lie every where . 51. On a Dyer . He lives with God none can deny , That while he liv'd to th' world did dye . 52. On a Candle . Here lyes ( I wot ) a little star That did belong to Jupiter , Which from him Prometheus stole And with it a fire-coale . Or this is that I meane to handle , Here doth lie a farthing-candle That was lov●d well , having it's light , But losing that , now bids good-night . 53. Another . Here lyes the chandlers chiefest say Here lyes the schollers pale-fac'd boy , Having nought else but skin and bone Dy'd of a deepe consumption . 54. On M. R. Who soonest dyes lives long enough , Our life is but a blast or puffe . I did resist and strive with death But soone he put me out of breath ; He of my life thought to bereave me But I did yeeld onely to breathe me . O're him I shall in triumph sing , Thy conquest grave , where is thy sting ? 55. On an Inne-keeper . It is not I that dye , I doe but leave an Inne , Where harbour'd was with me all filthy kind of sin ; It is not I that dye , I doe but now begin Into eternall joy by faith to enter in . Why weepe you then my friends , my parents & my kin Lament ye whē I lose , but weep not when I win 56. On Hobson the Carrier . Whom seeke ye sirs ? Old Hobson ? fye up●n Your tardinesse , the carrier is gone . Why stare you so ? nay you deserve to faile , Alas here 's naught , but his old rotten maile . Her went a good-while since , no question store Are glad , who vext he would not goe before : And some are grieu'd hee 's gone so soone away , The Lord knowes why he did no longer stay . How could he please you all ? I 'm sure of this , He linger'd soundly howsoe're you misse . But gone he is , nor was he surely well At his departure as mischance befell , For he is gone in such unwonted kinde As ne're before , his goods all left behinde . 57. On Bolus . If gentlenesse could tame the fates , or wit Delude them , Bolus had not dyed yet ; But one that death o're rules in judgement sits , And saies ou● sins are stronger than our witts . 58. On Iuggler . Death came to see thy trickes and cut in twaine Thy thread , why did'st not make it whole againe 59. On a Child . A child and dead ? alas ! how could it come ? Surely thy thread of life was but a thrumme . 60. On a Clowne . Softly tread this earth upon , For here lyes our Corydon Who through care to save his sheepe Watcht too much , oh let him sleepe ! 60. On Queene Anne . Thee to invite the great God sent his star , Whose friends & kinsmen mightie Princes are For though they run the race of men and dye , Death serves but to refine their majesty . So did the Queen from hence her court remove , And left the earth to be enthron'd above . Thus is she chang'd not dead , no good Prince dyes But like the day-star , onely sets to rise . 62. On Sir Horatio Palavozeene . Here lyes Sir Horatio Palavozeene , Who robb'd the Pope to pay the Queene , And was a theife . A theife ? thou ly'st : For why , he robo'd but Antichrist . Him death with his beesome sweept from Babram , Into the bosome of old Abraham : But then came Hercules with his club , And struck him downe to Belzebub . 63. On an onely child . Here lyes the fathers hope , the mothers joy , Though they seeme haplesse , happy was the boy Who of this life , the long and tedious race , Hath travell'd out in lesse then 2 moneth 's space ; Oh happie soule to whom such grace was given ▪ To make so short a voyage backe to heaven , As here a name & christendome t' obtaine And to his maker then returne again● . 64. Another . As carefull nurses on their beds doe lay , Their babes which would too long the wantons play ▪ So to prevent my youth's ensuing crimes Nature my nurse laid me to bed betimes . 65. On a Mu●●tian . Be not offended at our sad complaint , You quire of Angels , that have gain'd a Saint ! Where all perfection met in skill and voice , We mourne our losse , but yet commend your choyce . 66. On Prince Henry . Did he dye young ? oh no , it could not be , For I know few , that liv'd so long as he . Till God and all men lov'd him , then be bold The man that lives so long must needs be old . 67. On a Cobler . Come hither , reade , my gentle friend ! And here behold a cobler's end . Longer in length his life had gone , But that he had no laste so long ; O mighty death ! whose dart can kill , The man that made him soules at will. 68. On Master Doe . Do is my name , and here I lye , My Grammar tells me , Do fit Di. 69. On a Gard'ner . Could hee forget his death that ev'ry houre Was emblem'd to it , by the fading flowre ? Should hee not mind his end ? yes sure he must That still was conversant 'mong beds of dust . 70. On Edmund Spencer , poet laureat . He was , and is ( see then where lyes the od●s ) Once god of Poets , Poet now to th' gods , And though his time of life , be gone about , The life of his lines never shall weare out . 71. Ou Taylour a Sergeant , kill'd by a Horse . A Taylour is a thiefe , a Sergeant is worse Who here lyes dead , god-a-mercy horse . 71. On Sir Francis Drake , drowned . Where Drake first found , there last he lost his fame And for his tombe left nothing but his name . His body 's buried under some great wave , The sea that was his glory , is his grave . Of him no man , true Epitaph can make , For who can say , here lies Sir Francis Drake ? 73. On a Drunkard . By●ax the drunkard , while he liv'd would say , The more I drinke the more me think 's I may : But see how death ha●h prov'd his saying just , For he hath drunke himselfe as dry as dust . 74. On a Child . Tread softly passenger ! for here doth lye A dainty Jewell of sweet infancie : A harmelesse babe , that onely came & cry'd In baptisme to bee washt from sin and dy'd . 75. Another . In this marble-casket lyes A matchlesse jewell of rich prize Whom nature in the worlds disdaine But shew'd and put it up againe . 76. On Master Stone . Here worthy of a better chest , A pretious stone inclos'd doth rest Whom nature had so rarely wrought That Pallas it admir'd and thought , No greater jewell , than to weare Still such a diamond in her eare : But sicknesse did it from her wring , And placed it in Libitina's ring , Who changed natures worke a new And death's pale image , in it drew ▪ Pitty that paine had not been sav'd ▪ So good a stone to be engrav'd . 77. On Master Aire . Vnder this stone of marble fayre Lyes th'body ' ntomb'd of Gervase Aire . He dy'd not of an ague fitt Nor surfetted of too much witt , Me thinks this was a wond'rous death , That Aire should dye for want of breath . 78. On a young man. Surpriz'd by griefe and sicknesse here I lye , Stopt in my middle age and soone made dead , Yet doe not grudge at God , if soone thou dye , But know hee trebles favours on thy head . Who for thy morning worke , equalls thy pay , With those that have endur'd the heate of day 79. On Master Sand's . Who would live in others breath ? Fame deceives the dead mans trust , When our names doe change by death ; Sands I was and now am dust . 80. On a Scholler . Some doe for anguish weepe , for anger I , That ignorance should live , and arte should dye . 81. On Master Goad . Go adde this verse , to Goad's herse , For Goad is gone , but whither ? Goad himselfe , is gone to God 'T was death's goad drove him thither . 82. On Master Munday . Hallowed be the Sabboath , And farewell all worldly pelfe ; The weeke begins on Tuesday , For Munday hath hang'd himselfe . 83. On the two Littletons who were drowned at Oxford . 1636. Herelye wee ( reader canst thou not admire ? ) Who both at once by water dy'd and fire , For whilst our bodies perisht in the deepe , Our soules in love burnt , so we fell asleepe , Let this be then our Epitaph , here lyes Two , yet but one , one for the other dyes . 84. On a Matron . Here lyes a wife was chaste , a mother blest , A modest Matron , all these in one chest : Sarah unto her mate , Mary to God , Martha to men , whilst here she had abode . 85. In Latine thus . Vxor casta , parens foelix , matrona pudica , Sara viro , mundo Mart●a , Maria De● . 86. On a Butler . That death should thus from hence our Butler Into my minde it cannot quickly sinke , Sure death came thirsty to the butt'ry-hatch catch When he ( that buisy'd was ) deny'd him drinke . Tut 't was not so , 't is like he gave him liquour And death made drunke , him made away the quicker Yet let not others grieve to much in mind ( The Butlers gone ) the key 's are left behind . 87. On a Souldier . When I was young in warres I shed my blood , Both for my King and for my countries good ; In elder yeares , my care was chie●e to be Souldier to him that shed his blood for me . 88. On a Tobacconi●t . Loe here I lye , roll'd up like th' Indian weede My pipes I have pack't up , for breath I neede . Man's breath 's a vopour , he himselfe is grasse My breath , but of a weede , the vapour was . When I shal turne to earth , good friends ! beware Least it evap'rate and infect the ayre . 94. On Master Thomas Allen. No Epitaphs neede make the just man fam'd , The good are prays'd , when they are only nam'd 89. On Master Cooke . To God , his country , and the poore , he had A zealous Soule , free heart , and lib'rall minde . His wife , his children , and his kindred sad Lacke of his love , his care , and kindnesse finde : Yet are their sorrowes asswag'd w th the thought He hath attayn'd the happinesse he sought . 90. On a Printer whose wife was lame . Sleep William ! sleep , she that thine eyes did close Makes lame Iambiques for thee , as shee goes . 91. On a Taylour who dy'd of the stitch . Here lyes a Taylour in this ditch , Who liv'd and dyed by the stitch . 92. On a dumbe fellow dying of the collicke . Here lyes Iohn Dumbello , Who dy'd because he was so For if his breech could have spoke , His heart sur●ly had not broke . 92. On Isabella a Curtezan . He who would write an Epitaph Whereby to make faire Is'bell laugh , Must get upon her , and write well Here underneath lyes Isabell. 94. On a vertuous wife , viz. Susanna wife to Mr. William Horsenell . In briefe , to speake thy praise let this suffice , Thou wert a wife , most loving , modest , wise ; Of children carefull , to thy neighbour's kind , A worthy mistris and of liberall mind . 95. On M. Christopher Lawson . Death did not kill unjustly this good-man , But death in death by death did shew his power , His pious deedes & thoughts to heaven fore-ran ; There to prepare his soule a blessed bower . 96. On Hobson the Carrier . Here Hobson lyes amongst his many betters , A man unlearned , yet a man o● letters , His carriage was well knowne , oft hath he gone In Embassye 'twixt father and the sonne ; There 's few in Cambridge , to his praise be it spoken But may remember him , by some good token : From whence he rid to London day by day , Till death benighting him , he lo●t his way , His teame was of the best , nor would he have Benee min'd in any way , but in the grave . Nor is 't a wonder , that he thus is gone , Since all men knew , he long was drawing on . Thus rest in peace thou everlasting swaine And supreame waggoner , next Charles his wayne . 97. On a Welshman . Here lyes puried under these stones Shon ap Williams ap Ienkyn ap Iones , Her was porne in Wales , her was kill'd in Fra●●e Her went to Cottpy a fe●y mischance , La yee now ▪ 98. On M. Pricke . Vpon the fith day of November Christ's Colledge lost a privie , member ▪ Cupid and death did both their arrowes micke , Cupid shot short , but death did hit the pricke . Women lament and maidens make great mones Because the Pri●ke 〈…〉 the stones . 99. 〈…〉 Porter . At length by worke of wond'rous face Here lyes the porter of Wynchester-gate : If gone to heav'n , as much I feare , He can be but a porter there : He fear'd not hell so much for 's sinne , As for th' great rapping and oft comming in . 100. On M. Carter , burnt by the great powder - mischance in Finsbury . Here lyes an honest Carter ( yet no clowne ) Vnladen of his cares , his end the crowne , Vanisht from hence even in a cloud of smoake , A blowne-up Citizen , and yet not broke . 101. On a Lady dying in Child-bed . Borne at the first to bring another forth , Shee leaves the world , to leave the world her worth Thus Phaenix-like , as she was borne to bleede Dying herselfe , renew's it in her seede . 102. On Prince Henry . Loe where he shineth yonder A fixed starre in heaven , Whose motions thence , coms under None of the Planets seven : If that the Moone shou'd tender , The Sunne her love and marry , They both could not ●ngender , So bright a starre as Harry . 10. Vpon one , who dy'd in prison . Reader , I liv'd , enquire no more , Least a spye enter in at doore , Such are the times a dead-man dare Not trust or creditt common ayre : But dye , and lye entombed here , By me , I 'le whisper in thine eare Such things as onely dust to dust , ( And without witnesse ) may entrust . 14. On Sir Walter Rawleygh . If spite be pleas'd , when as her object 's dead , Or Malice pleas'd , when it hath bruiz'd the head Or envie pleas'd , when it hath what it would , Then all are pleas'd , for Rawleyh's blood is cold , Which were it warme & active would o'recome And strike the two first blind , the other dumbe . 105. On Doctour Hacket's wife . Drop mournful eyes your pearly trick'ling teares Flow streames of sadnesse , drowne the spangled spheares Fall like the tumbling cataracts of Nile , Make deafe the world with cries ; let not a smile Appeare , let not an eye be seene to sleepe Nor slumber , onely let them serve to weepe Her deare lamented death , who in her life Was a religious , loya●l , loving wife , Of children tender to an husband kinde Th' undoubted symptoms of a vertuous minde ▪ Which mak's her glorious , bove the highest pole , Where Angels sing sweet Requicins to her soule Shee liv'd a none-such , did a non-such dye Neere Non-such here her corpes interred lye . 107. On Waddham . Colledge-Butler . Man's life is like a new turn'd caske they say , The fore-most draught is most times cast aw●y , Such are our younger yeares , the following still , Are more and more inclining unto ill ; Such is our man-hood , untill age at length , Doth sowre it's sweetnes ▪ & doth stop it's strēgth Then death prescribing to each thing it's 〈◊〉 Takes what is left , and tu●nes it all to grounds . 107. On a Horse . Here lyes a Horse , who dyed but To make his master goe on foot . A miracle should it be so The dead to make the lame to goe ; Yet fate would have it , that the ●ame Should make him goe , that made him lame . 108. On Aratyne . Here biting Aretyne lyes buried , With gall more bitter never man was fed ▪ The living , nor the dead to carpe he spar'de , Nor yet for any King or Caesar car'd . Onely on God to rayle he had forgot ▪ His answer was , indeed I know him not . 109. On William Coale an Ale-house-keeper , at Coaton neere Cambridg● . Doth William Coale lye here ? hēceforth be stale , Be strong , & laugh on us , thou Coaton ale ! Living indeed , he with his violent hand Never left grasping thee , while he could stand . But death at last , hath with his fiery flashes Burnt up the Coale , and turn'd it into ashes . 110. On one Andrew Leygh who was vext with a shrewd wife , in his life-time . Here lyes Leygh , who vext with a shrewd wife To gaine his quiet , parted with his life , But see the spight , she , that had alwaies crost Him living , dyes , & mean's to haunte his Ghost . But she may faile , for Andrew out of doubt Will cause his brother Peter , shutt her out . 111. On Richard Burbage a famous Actour . — Exit Burbage . 112. On an Infant unborne , the Mother dying in travell . The Father digg'd a pit , and in it left Part of himselfe interr'd , that soone bereft The Mother of the gift , she gave , life ; so Both now are buried in one tombe of woe . 'T is strange the mother should a being give ▪ And not have liberty to make it live . 'T was strange , that the child blindfold espi'd So quick and neere a way to parricide ▪ Yet both are justly question'd , child and Mothe● Are guilty of the killing of each other . Not with an ill intent , both did desire Preserves for life , and not a funerall fire ; And yet they needs must dye , & 't was thought best To keepe the infant in the mother's chest ; It had both life and death from her , the wombe In which it was begot , became the tombe ; There was some marble sav'd , because in her The wombe that bare it , was a sepulcher ; Whose Epitaphs are these , - here lyes a child that shall Be free from all sins but originall . Here lyes a pittied mother that did dye Onely to beare her poore child companie . 113. In quendam . Stay mortall , stay , remove not from this tombe Before thou hast consider'd well thy dombe ; My bow stands ready bent & could●st it see Mine arrow 's drawne to head , and aymes at thee ; Prepare yet wandring ghost , take home this line The grave that next is op'ned , may be thine . 114. On Sir Philip Sy●ney . Reader . Within this ground sir Philip Sydney lyes Nor is it fit that more , I should acquaint , Least superstition rise And men adore , A Lover , Scholler , Souldier , & a Saint . 115. Vpon Iohn Crop , who dyed by taking a vomit . Man's life 's a game at tables , and he may Mend his bad fortune , by his wiser play ; Death pla●'s against us , each disease and sore Are blotts , if hit , the danger is the more To lose the the game ; but an old stander by Bind's up the blotts , and cures the malady , And so prolongs the game ; John Crop was hee Death in a rage did challenge for to see His play , the dice are throwne , when first he drink 's Cast's , makes a blott , death hits him with a Synke He cast's againe , but all in vaine , for death By th' after-game did winne the prize , his breath What though his skill was good , his luck was bad For never mortall man worse casting had . But did not death play false , to w●nne from such As he , no doubt he bare a man too much . 116. On Q Elizabeth King's , Queens , Men's , Virgin 's eyes See , where the Mirrour lyes . In whom her friend's have ●eene , A Kings state in a Queene : In whom her foes survay'd , A man's heart in a Mayde : Whom least men for her piety Should grow to thinke some diety , Heaven hence by death did summon Her , to shew she was a woman . 117. On a vertuous youth . Reader , let a stone thee tell That in this body , there did dwell A soule as heavenly , rich , and good As e're could live in flesh and blood : And therefore heav'n that held it deare ▪ Did let it stay the lesse while here ▪ Whose corps here sacred ashes mak's Thus heav'n and earth have parted stakes . 118. On a learned Noble man. Hee that can reade a sigh and spell a teare , Pronounce amaze-ment , or accent wilde feare , Or get all grei●e by heart , hee , onely hee Is fit to write , or reade thy Elegye . Unvalued Lord ! that wer 't so hard a Text , Reade in one age and understood i' th' next . 119. On a Lady . Finis and Bonum are converted , so That ev'ry good thing to an end must goe . 120. On Mr. Mychael Drayton buried in Westminster , Admarmor Tumulj . Doe pious Marble let thy Readers know What they and what their children owe To Drayton's sacred name , whose ●ust We recommend unto thy trust . Protect his memory , preserve his story And a lasting monument of his glory , And when thy ruines shall disclaime To be the Treasury of his name : His name , which cannot fade , shall bee An everlasting monument to thee . 121. On a Faulconer . Death with her talons having seas'd this prey , After a tedious flight truss'd him away . We mark'd him , here he fell , whence he shall rise At call , till then unretriu●d here he lyes . 122. On a Cocke-master . Fare-well stout hott-spur , now the battail's done In which th' art foyi'd , & death hath over-come Having o're-matcht thy strength , & made thee stoop She quickly forct thee on the pit to droop From whence thou art not able , rise or stir : For death is now become , thy vanquisher . 123 ▪ On a pious benefactour . The poore , the world , the heavens , & the grave His almes , his praise , his soule , and body have . 124. Vpon Hodge Pue's Father . Oh cruell death that stopt the view ; Of Thom's parishioner good-man Pue , Who lived alwaies in good order , Vntill that death stopt his recorder , Which was betwixt Easter and Penticost , In the yeare of the great frost , At New-market then was the King : When as the bells did merrily ring ; The Minister preached the day before Vnto his highnesse , and no more , Returning home said prayers , and Bnried the man as I understand . 125. On M. Washington , page to the Prince . Knew'st thou whose these ashes were ; Reader thou would'st weeping sweare , The rash fate er●'d here ; as appeares , Counting his vertues for his yeares , His goodnesse made them so o're seene , Which shew'd him threescore ; at eighteene . Enquire not his disease or paine ! He dy'd of nothing else but spayne , Where the worst calenture he feeles , Are Jesuites , and Alguaziles , Where he is not allow'd to have , ( Vnlesse he steal 't ) a quiet grave . Hee needes no other Epitaph or stone But this , here lyes lov'd Washington , Write this in teares , in that loose dust And every greiv'd beholder must , When he waigh●s him , and knowes his yeares ▪ Renew the let●ers with his teares . 126. On Gustavus Adolphus , King of Sweden . The world expects Swede's monumentall stone , Should equall the Philosophers , each groane Should breath a golden veine , and ev'ry verse Should draw Elixar from his fatall hearse . No fitter subject where strong lines should meet Than such a noble center ; could the feet Of able verse but trace his rectories , They neede not feare o're strayn'd Hyperbole's , Where all 's transoendent , who out-paralell'd Plutarch's selected Heroes ; and is held The tenth of Worthies , who hath over-acted Great Caesar's German-comments , & contracted His expeditions by preventing awe , He often over-came before hee saw ; And ( what of his great sonne Jove us'd to say ) Hee alwaies either found or made his way . Such was his personall and single fight , As if that death it selfe had ta'ne her flight Into brave Swedens scabbard , when he drew ; Death with that steele inevitably flew ; His campe a church , wherein the Gen'rall's life Was the best Sermon , and the onely strife ' Amongst his was to repeate it , bended knee Was his prime posture , and his ●nemy Found this most praevalent , his discipline Impartiall and exact , it did out-shine Those antique Martiall-Graecian , Roman lamps From W ch most of the worlds succeeding camps Have had their borrow'd light ; this , this was hee All this and more , yet even all this can dye . Death surely ventur'd on the Swede ' to try If heav'n were subject to mortality ; And shot his soule to heav'n , as if that shee Could ( if not kill ) unthrone a diety Bold death 's deceiv'd , 't is in another sense That heav'n is said to suffer violence . No yr'n chaine-shot , but 't is the golden chaine Of vertue and the Graces , are the maine That doe unhinge the everlasting gates All which like yoaked undivided mates , Were linck't in Sweden , where they were enchain'd Like Orthodoxall volumes nothing feign'd , Though fairely bound his story is not dipt In oyle , ●ut in his owne true Manuscript . It is enough to name him , surely wee Have got that Roman's doating Lethargy And may our names forget , if so we can Forget the name of Sweden ; renown●d man ! Thon hadst no sooner made the Worthies ten But heavē did claime the tenth ; zealous that men Would idolize thee , but their inst●ment . Thus thy Meridian prov'd thy Occiden . Had longer dayes beene graunted by the fates , Rome had heard this Hanniball at her gates Farewell thou Austrian scourge , thou moderne wonder , Srange raine hath followed thy last clap of thunder , A shower of teares : and yet for ought we know , The Horne that 's left . may blow downe Jericho . FINIS . Imprimatur . Octob. 8. 1639. Matth. Clay . OVTLANDISH PROVERBS , SELECTED LONDON , Printed by T. P. for Humphrey Blunden ; at the Castle in Corn-bill . 1640. Outlandish PROVERBS . 1. MAN Proposeth , God disposeth . 2. Hee begins to die , that quits his desires . 3. A handfull of good life , is better then a bushell of learning . 4. He that studies his content , wants it . 5. Every day brings his bread with it . 6. Humble Hearts , have humble desires . 7. Hee that stumbles and falles not , mends his pace . 8. The House shewes the owner . 9. Hee that gets out of debt , growes rich . 10. All is well with him , who is beloved . 41. All came from , and will goe to others . 42. He that will take the bird , must not skare it . 43. He lives unsafely , that lookes too neere on things . 44. A gentle houswife , marres the houshold . 45. A crooked log makes a strait fire . 46. He hath great neede of a foole , that plaies the foole himselfe . 47. A Marchant that gaines not , looseth . 48. Let not him that feares feathers , come among wild-foule . 49. Love , and a Cough cannot be hid . 50. A Dwarfe , on a Gyants shoulder , sees further of the two . 51 Hee that sends a foole , means to follow him . 52. Brabling Curres never want sore eares . 53. Better the feet slip then the tongue . 54. For washing his hands , none fels his lands . 55. A Lyons skin is never cheape . 56. The goate must browse where she is tyed . 57. Who hath a Wolfe for his mate , needes a Dog for his man. 58. In a good house all is quickly ready . 59. A bad dog never sees the Wolfe . 60. God oft hath a great share in a little house . 61. Ill ware is never cheape . 62. A cherefull looke , makes a dish a feast . 63. If all fooles had bables , wee should want fuell . 64. Vertue never growes old . 65. Evening words are not like to morning . 66. Were there no fooles , badd ware would not passe . 67. Never had ill workeman good tooles . 68. Hee stands not surely , that never slips . 69. Were there no hearers , there would be no backbiters . 70. Every thing is of use to a houskeeper . 71. When prayers are done , my Lady is ready . 72. At Length the Fox turnes Monk. 73. Flies are busiest about leane horses . 74. Harken to reason or shee will bee heard . 75. The bird loves her nest . 76. Every thing new , is fine . 77. When a dog is a drowning , every one offers him drink . 78. Better a ba●e foote then none . 79. Who is so deafe , as he that will not heare . 80. He that is warme , thinkes all so . 81. At length the Fox is brought to the Fu●rier . 82. Hee that goes barefoot , must not plant thornes . 83. They that are booted are not alwa●es ready . 84. He that will learne to pray , let him goe to Sea. 85. In spending , lies the advantage . 86. Hee that lives well is learned enough . 87. Ill vessells seldome miscarry . 88. A full belly neither fights nor flies well . 89. All truths are not to be told . 90. An old wise mans shaddow , is better then a young buzzards sword . 91. Noble houskeepers neede no dores . 93. Every ill man hath his ill day . 93. Sleepe without supping , and wake without owing ▪ 94. I gave the mouse a hole , and she is become my heire . 95. Assai●e who will , the valiant attends . 96. Whether goest griefe ? where I am wont . 97. Praise day at night , and life at the end . 98. Whether shall the Oxe goe , where he shall not labour . 99. Where you thinke there is bacon , there is no Chimney . 100. Mend your cloathes , and you may hold out this yeare . 101. Presse a stick , and it seemes a youth . ●02 . The tongue walkes where the teeth speede not . 103. A faire wife and a frontire Castle breede quarrels , 104. Leave jesting whiles it pleaseth , lest it turne to earnest . 105. Deceive not thy Physitian , Confessor , nor Lawyer . 106. Ill natures , the more you aske them , the more they stick . 107. Vertue and a Trade are the best portion for Children . 108. The Chicken is the Countries , but the Citie eateth it . 109. He that gives thee a Capon , give him the leg and the wing . 110. Hee that lives ill , feare followes him . 111. Give a clowne your finger , and he will take your hand . 112. Good is to bee sought out , and evill attended . 113. A good pay-master starts not at assurances . 114. No Alchymy to saving . 115. To a grate full man give mony when he askes . 116. Who would doe ill ne're wants occasion . 117. To fine folkes a little ill finely wrapt . 118. A child correct behind and not before . 119. To a faire day open the window , but make you ready as to a foule . 120. Keepe good men company , and you shall be of the number . 121. No love to a Fathers . 122. The Mill gets by going . 123. To a boyling pot flies come not . 124. Make hast to an ill way that you may get out of it . 125. A snow yeare , a rich yeare . 126. Better to be blinde , then to see ill . 127. Learne weeping , and thou shalt laugh gayning . 128. Who hath no more bread then neede , must not keepe a dog . 129. A garden must be lookt unto and drest as the body . 130. The Fox , when hee cannot reach the grapes , saies they are not ripe . 131. Water trotted is as good as oates . 132. Though the Mastiffe be gentle , yet bite him not by the lippe . 133. Though a lie be well drest , it is ever overcome . 134. Though old and wise , yet still advise . 135. Three helping one another , beare the burthen of sixe . 136. Old wine , and an old friend , are good provisions . 137. Happie is hee that chastens himselfe . 138. Well may hee smell fire , whose gowne burnes . 139. The wrongs of a Husband or Master are not reproached . 140 Welcome evill , if thou commest alone . 141. Love your neighbour , yet pull not downe your hedge . 142. The bit that one eates , no friend makes . 143. A drunkards purse is a bottle . 144. Shee spins well that breedes her children . 145. Good is the mora that makes all sure . 146. Play with a foole at home , and he will play with you in the market . 147. Every one stretcherh his legges according to his coverlet . 148. Autumnall Agues are long , or mortall . 149 Marry your sonne when you will ; your daughter when you can . 150. Dally not with mony or women . 151. Men speake of the faire , as things went with them there . 152. The best remedy against an ill man , is much ground betweene both . 143. The mill cannot grind with the water that 's past . 154. Corne is cleaned with winde , and the soule with chastnings . 155. Good words are worth much , and cost little . 156. To buy deare is not bounty . 157. Jest not with the eye or with Religion . 158. The eye and Religion can beare no jesting . 159. Without favour none will know you , and with it you will not know your selfe . 160. Buy at a faire , but sell at home . 161. Cover your selfe with your shield , and care not for cryes . 162. A wicked mans gift hath a touch of his master . 163. None is a foole alwaies , every one sometimes . 164. From a chollerick man withdraw a little , from him that saies nothing , for ever . 165. Debters are lyers . 166. Of all smells , bread : of all tasts , salt . 167. In a great River great fish are found , but take heede , lest you bee drowned . 168. Ever since we weare cloathes , we know not one another . 169. God heales , and the Physitian hath the thankes . 170. Hell is full of good meanings and wishings . 171. Take heede of still waters , the quick passe away . 172. After the house is finisht , leave it . 173. Our owne actions are our security , not others judgements . 178. Thinke of ease , but worke on . 179. Hee that lies long a bed his estate feeles it . 180. Whether you boyle snow or pound it , you can have but water of it . 181. One stroke fells not an oke . 182. God complaines not , but doth what is fitting . 183. A diligent Shcoller and the Master 's paid . 184. Milke saies to wine , welcome friend . 185. They that know one another , salute a farre off . 186. Where there is no honour , there is no griefe . 187. Where the drink goes in , there the wit goes out . 188. He that staies does the businesse . 189 Almes never make poore others . 190. Great almes-giving lessens no mans living . 191. Giving much to the poore , doth inrich a mans store . 192. It takes much from the account , to which his sin doth amount . 193. It adds to the glory both of soule and body . 194 Ill comes in by ells , and goes out by inches . 195 The Smith and his penny both are black . 196 Whos 's house is of glasse , must not throw stones at another . 197. If the old dog barke he gives counsell . 198. The tree that growes slowly , keepes it selfe for another . 199. I wept when I was borne , and every day shewes why . 200. Hee that lookes not before , finds him selfe behind . 201. He that plaies his mony ought not to value it . 202. He that riseth first , is first drest . 203. Diseases of the eye are to bee cured with the elbow . 204. The hole calls the thiefe . 205. A gentlemans grayhound , and a salt-box ; seeke them at the fire . 206. A childs service is little , yet hee is no little foole that despiseth it . 207. The river past , and God forgotten . 208. Evils have their comfort , good none can support ( to wit ) with a moderate and contented heart . 209. Who must account for himselfe and others , must know both . 210. Hee that eats the hard shall eate the ripe . 211. The miserable man makes a peny of a farthing , and the liberall of a farthing sixe pence . 212. The honey is sweet , but the Bee stings . 213. Waight and measure take away strife . 214. The sonne full and tattered , the daughter empty and fine . 215. Every path hath a puddle . 216. In good yeares corne is hay , in ill yeares straw is corne . 217. Send a wise man on an errand , and say nothing unto him . 218. In life you lov'd me not , in death you bewaile me . 219. Into a mouth shut , flies flie not . 220. The hearts letter is read in the eyes 221. The ill that comes out of our mouth ●alles into our bosome . 222. In great pedigrees there are Governours and Chand●ers . 223. In the house of a Fidler , all fiddle . 224. Sometimes the best gaine is to lose . 225. Working and making a fire doth discretion require . 226. One graine fills not a sacke , but helpes his fellowes . 227. It is a great victory that comes without blood . 228. In war , hunting , and love , men for one pleasure a thousand griefes prove . 229. Reckon right , and February hath one and thirty daies . 230. Honour without profit is a ring on the finger . 231. Estate in two parishes is bread in two wallets . 232. Honour and profit lie not in one sacke . 233. A naughty child is better sick , then whole . 234. Truth and oyle are ev●r above . 235. He that riseth betimes hath some thing in his head . 236. Advise none to marry or to goe to warre . 237. To steale the Hog , and give the feet for almes . 238. The thorne comes forth with his point forwards . 239. One hand washeth another , and both the face . 240. The fault of the horse is put on the saddle . 241. The corne hides it self in the snow , as an old man in furrs . 242. The Jewes spend at Easter , the Mores at marriages , the Christians in sutes . 243. Fine dressing is a foule house swept before the doores . 244. A woman and a glasse are ever in danger . 245. An ill wound is cured , not an ill name . 246. The wise hand doth not all that the foolish mouth speakes . 247. On painting and fighting looke aloofe . 248. Knowledge is folly , except grace guide it . 249. Punishment is lame , but it comes . 250. The more women looke in their glasse , the lesse they looke to their house . 251. A long tongue is a signe of a short hand . 252. Marry a widdow before she leave mourning . 253. The worst of law is , that one suit breedes twenty . 254. Providence is better then a rent . 255. What your glasse telles you , will not be told by Councell . 256. There are more men threatned then stricken . 257. A foole knowes more in his house , then a wise man in anothers . 258. I had rather ride on an asse that carries me , then a horse that throwes me . 259 , The hard gives more then he that hath nothing . 260. The beast that goes alwaies never wants blowes . 261. Good cheape is deare . 262. It costs more to doe ill then to doe well . 263. Good words quench more then a a bucket of water . 264. An ill agreement is better then a good judgement . 265. There is more talke then trouble . 266. Better spare to have of thine own , then aske of other men . 267. Better good afarre off , then evill at hand . 268. Feare keepes the garden better , then the gardiner . 269. I had rather aske of my sire browne bread , then borrow of my neighbour white . 270. Your pot broken seemes better then my whole one . 271. Let an ill man lie in thy straw , and he lookes to be thy heire . 272. By suppers more have beene killed then Gallen ever cured . 273. While the discreet advise the foole doth his busines . 274. A mountaine and a river are good neighbours . 275. Gossips are frogs , they drinke and talke . 276. Much spends the traveller , more then the abider . 277. Prayers and provender hinder no journey . 278. A well-bred youth n●ither speakes of himselfe , nor being spoken to is silent . 279. A journying woman speakes much of all , and all of her . 280. The Fox knowes much , but more he that catcheth him . 281. Many friends in generall , one in spcciall . 282. The foole askes much , but hee is more foole that grants it . 283. Many kisse the hand , they wish cut off . 284. Neither bribe nor loose thy right . 285. In the world who knowes not to swimme , goes to the bottome . 286. Chuse not an house neere an Inne , ( viz for noise ) or in a corner ( for filth . ) 287. Hee is a foole that thinks not , that another thinks . 288. Neither eyes on letters , nor hands in coffers . 289. The Lyon is not so fierce as they paint him . 290. Goe not for every griefe to the Physitian , nor for every quarrell to the Lawyer , nor for every thirst to the pot . 291. Good service is a great inchantment . 292. There would bee no great ones if there were no little ones . 293. It 's no sure rule to fish with a crosbow . 294. There were no ill language , if it were not ill taken . 295. The groundsell speakes not save what it heard at the hinges . 296. The best mirrour is an old friend . 297. Say no ill of the yeere , till it be past . 298. A mans discontent is his worst evill . 299. Feare nothing but sinne . 300. The child saies nothing , but what it heard by the sire . 301. Call me not an olive , till thou see me gathered . 302. That is not good language which all understand not . 303. Hee that burnes his house warmes himselfe for once . 304. He will burne his house , to warme his hands . 305. Hee will spend a whole yeares rent at one meales meate . 306. All is not gold that glisters . 307. A blustering night , a faire day . 308. Bee not idle and you shall not bee longing . 309. He is not poore that hath little , but he that desireth much . 310. Let none say , I will not drinke water . 311. Hee wrongs not an old-man that steales his supper from him . 312. The tongue talkes at the heads cost . 313. Hee that strikes with his tongue , must ward with his head . 314. Keep not ill men company , lest you increase the number . 315. God strikes not with both hands , for to the sea he made havens , and to rivers foords . 316. A rugged stone growes smooth from hand to hand . 317. No lock will hold against the power of gold . 318. The absent partie is still faultie . 319. Peace , and Patience , and death with repentance . 320. If vou loose your time , you cannot get mony nor gaine . 321. Bee not a Baker , if your head be of butter 322. Aske much to have a little . 323. Litle stickes kindle the fire ; great ones put it out . 324. Anothers bread costs deare . 325. Although it raine , throw not away thy watering pot . 326. Although the sun shine , leave not thy cloake at home . 327. A little with quiet is the onely dye● . 328. In vaine is the mill clacke , if the M●●er his hearing lack . 329. By the needle you shall draw the thread , and by that which is past , see how that which is to come will be drawne on . 330. Stay a little and news will find you . 331. Stay till the lame messenger come , if you will know the truth of the thing . 332. When God will , no winde , but brings raine . 333. Though you rise early , yet the day comes at his time , and not till then . 334. Pull downe your hatt on the winds side . 335. As the yeere is , your pot must seeth . 336. Since you know all , and I nothing , tell me what I dreamed last night . 337. When the Foxe preacheth , beware geese . 338. When you are an Anvill , hold you still ; when you are a hammer strike your fill . 339. Poore and liberall , rich and coveteous . 340. He that makes his bed ill , lies there . 341. Hee that labours and thrives spins gold . 342. He that sowes trusts in God. 343. Hee that lies with the dogs , riseth with fleas . 344. Hee that repaires not a part , builds all . 345. A discontented man kwes not where to sit easie . 346. Who spits against heaven , it falls in his face . 347. Hee that dines and leaves , layes the cloth twice . 348. Who eates his cock alone must saddle his horse alone . 349. He that is not handsome at 20 , nor strong at 30 , nor rich at 40 , nor wise at 50 will never bee handsome , strong , rich , or wise . 350. Hee that doth what hee will , doth not what he ought . 351. Hee that will deceive the fox , must rise betimes . 352. He that lives well sees a farre off . 353. He that hath a mouth of his owne , must not say to another ; Blow . 354. He that will be served must bee patient . 355. Hee that gives thee a bone , would not have thee die . 356. He that chastens one , chastens 20. 357. He that hath lost his credit is dead to the world . 358. He that hath no ill fortune , is troubled with good . 359. Hee that demands misseth not , unlesse his demands be foolish . 360. He that hath no hony in his pot , let him have it in his mouth . 361. He that takes not up a pin , slilghts his wife . 362. He that owes nothing , if he makes not mouthes at us , is courteous . 363. Hee that looseth his due , gets not thankes . 364. Hee that beleeveth all , misseth , hee that beleeveth nothing , hitts not . 365. Pardons and pleasantnesse are great revenges of slanders . 366. A married man turnes his staffe into a stake . 367. If you would know secrets , looke them in griefe or pleasure . 368. Serve a noble disposition , though poore , the time comes that hee will repay thee . 369. The fault is as great as hee that is faulty . 370. If folly were griefe every house would weepe . 371. Hee that would bee well old , must bee old betimes . 372. Sit in your place and none can make you rise . 373. If you could runne , as you drinke , you might catch a hare . 374. Would you know what mony is , Go borrow some . 375. The morning Sunne never lasts a day . 376. Thou hast death in thy house , and dost bew aile anothers . 377. All griefes with bread are lesse . 378. All things require skill , but an appetite . 379. All things have their place , knew wee , how to place them . 380. Little pitchers have wide eares . 381. We are fooles one to another . 382. This world is nothing except it tend to another . 383. There are three waies , the Vniversities , the Sea , the Court. 384. God comes to see without a bell . 385. Life without a friend is death without a witnesse 386. Cloath thee in war , arme thee in peace . 387. The horse thinkes one thing , and he that sadles him another . 388. Mills and wives ever want . 389. The dog that licks ashes , trust not with meale . 390. The buyer needes a hundred eyes , the seller not one . 391. He carries well , to whom it waighes not . 392. The comforters head never akes . 393. Step after step the ladder is ascended . 394. Who likes not the drinke , God deprives him of bread . 395. To crazy ship all winds are contrary . 396. Justice pleaseth few in their owne house . 397. In times comes he , whom God sends . 398. Water a farre off quencheth not fire . 399. In sports and journeys men are knowne . 400. An old friend is a new house . 401. Love is not found in the market . 402. Dry feet , warme head , bring safe to bed . 403. Hee is rich enough that wants nothing . 404. One father is enough to governe one hundred sons , but not a hundred sons one father . 405. Farre shooting never kild bird . 406. An upbraid●d morsell never choaked any . 407. Dearths foreseene come not . 408. An ill labourer quarrells with his tooles . 409. Hee that falles into the durt , the longer he stayes there , the fowler he is . 410. He that blames would buy . 411. He that sings on friday , will weepe on Sunday . 412. The charges of building , and making of gardens are unknowne . 413. My house , my house , though thou art small , thou art to me the Escuriall . 414. A hundred loade of thought will not pay one of debts . 415. Hee that comes of a hen must scrape . 416. He that seekes trouble never misses . 417. He that once deceives is ever suspected . 418. Being on sea saile , being on land settle . 419. Who doth his owne businesse , foules not his hands . 420. Hee that makes a good warre makes a good peace . 421. Hee that workes after his owne manner , his head akes not at the matter . 422. Who hath bitter in his mouth ▪ spits not all sweet . 423. He that hath children , all his morsels are not his owne . 424. He that hath the spice , may season as he list . 425. He that hath a head of waxe must not walke in the sunne . 426. He that hath love in his brest , hath spurres in his sides . 427. Hee that respects not , is not respected . 428. Hee that hath a Fox for his mate , hath neede of a net at his girdle . 429. He that hath right , feares , he that hath wrong , hopes . 430. Hee that hath patience hath fatt thrushes for a farthing . 431. Never was strumpet faire . 432. He that measures not himselfe , is measured . 433. Hee that hath one hogge makes him fat , and hee that hath one son makes him a foole . 434. Who letts his wife goe to every feast , and his horse drinke at every water , shall neither have good wife nor good horse . 435. He that speakes sowes , and he that holds his peace , gathers . 436. He that hath little is the lesse durtie . 437. He that lives most dies most . 438. He that hath one foot in the straw , hath another in the spittle . 439. Hee that 's fed at anothers hand may sray long ere he be full . 440. Hee that makes a thing too fine , breakes it . 441. Hee that bewailes himselfe hath the cure in his hands . 442. He that would be well , needs not goe from his owne house . 443. Councell breakes not the head . 444. Fly the pleasure that bites to morrow . 445. Hee that knowes what may bee gained in a day never steales . 446. Mony refused looseth its brightnesse . 447. Health and mony goe farre . 448 , Where your will is ready , your feete are light . 449. A great ship askes deepe waters . 450. Woe to the house where there is no chiding . 451. Take heede of the viniger of sweet wine . 452. Fooles bite one another , but wisemen agree together . 453. Trust not one nights ice . 454. Good is good , but better carries it . 455. To gaine teacheth how to spend . 456. Good finds good . 457. The dog gnawes the bone because he cannot swallow it . 458. The crow bewailes the sheepe , and then eates it . 459. Building is a sweet impoverishing . 460. The first degree of folly is to hold ones selfe wise , the second to professe it , the third to dsepise counsell . 461. The greatest step is that out of doores . 462. To weepe for joy is a kinde of Manna . 463. The first service a child doth his father is to make him foolish . 464. The resolved minde hath no cares . 465. In the kingdome of a cheater , the wallet is carried before . 466. The eye will have his part . 467. The good mother sayes not , will you ? but gives . 468. A house and a woman sute excellently . 469. In the kingdome of blind men the one ey'd is king . 470. A little Kitchin makes a large house . 471. Warre makes theeves , and peace hangs them . 472. Poverty is the mother of health . 473. In the morning mountaines , in the evening fountaines . 474. The back-doore robs the house . 475. Wealth is like rheume , it falles on the weakest parts . 476. The gowne is his that weares it , and the world his that enjoyes it . 477. Hope is the poore mans bread . 478. Vertue now is in herbs and stones and words onely . 479. Fine words dresse ill deedes . 480. Labour as long liu'd , pray as even dying . 481. A poore beauty finds more lovers then husbands . 482. Discreet women have neither eyes nor eares . 483. Things well fitted abide . 484. Prettinesse dies first . 485. Talking payes no toll . 486. The masters eye fattens the horse , and his foote the ground . 487. Disgraces are like cherries , one drawes another . 488. Praise a hill , but keepe below . 489. Praise the Sea , but keepe on land . 490. In chusing a wife , and buying a sword , we ought not to trust another . 491. The wearer knowes , where the shoe wrings . 492. Faire is not faire , but that which pleaseth . 493. There is no jollitie but hath a smack of folly . 494. He that 's long agiving , knowes not how to give . 495. The filth under the white snow , the sunne discovers . 496. Every one fastens where there is gaine . 497. All feete tread not in one shoe . 498. Patience , time and money accommodate all things . 499. For want of a naile the shoe is lost , for want of a shoe the horse is lost , for want of a horse the rider is lost . 500. Weigh justly and sell dearely . 501. Little wealth little care . 502. Little journeys and good cost , bring safe home . 503. Gluttony kills more then the sword . 504. When children stand quiet , they have done some ill . 505. A little and good fills the trencher . 506. A penny spar'd is twice got . 507. When a knave is in a plumtree he hath neither friend nor kin . 508. Short boughs , long vintage . 509. Health without money , is halfe an ague . 510. If the wise erred not , it would goe hard with fooles . 511. Beare with evill , and expect good . 512. He that tells a secret , is anothers servant . 513. If all fooles wore white Caps , wee should seeme a flock of geese . 514. Water , fire , and shouldiers , quickly make roome . 515. Pension never inriched young man. 516. Vnder water , famine , under snow bread . 517. The Lame goes as farre as your staggerer . 518. He that looseth is Marchant as well as he that gaines . 519. A jade eates as much as a good horse . 520. All things in their beeing are good for something . 521. One flower makes no garland . 522. A faire death honours the whole life . 523. One enemy is too much . 524. Living well is the best revenge . 525. One foole makes a hundred . 526. One paire of eares drawes dry a hundred tongues . 527. A foole may throw a stone into a well , which a hundred wise men cannot pull out . 528. One slumber finds another . 529. On a good bargaine thinke twice . 530. To a good spender God is the Treasurer . 531. A curst Cow hath short hornes . 532. Musick helps not the tooth-ach . 533. We cannot come to honour under Coverlet . 534 ▪ Great paines quickly find ease . 535. To the counsell of fooles a woodden bell . 536. The cholerick man never wants woe . 537. Helpe thy selfe , and God will helpe thee . 538. At the games end we shall see who gaines . 539. There are many waies to fame . 540. Love is the true price of love . 541. Love rules his kingdome without a sword . 542. Love makes all hard hearts gentle . 543. Love makes a good eye squint . 544. Love askes faith , and faith firmenesse . 545. A scepter is one thing , and a ladle another . 546. Great trees are good for nothing but shade . 547. Hee commands enough that obeyes a wise man. 548. Faire words makes mee looke to my purse . 549. Though the Fox run , the chicken hath wings . 550. He plaies well that winnes . 551. You must strike in measure , when there are many to strike on one Anvile . 552. The shortest answer is doing . 553. It 's a poore stake that cannot stand one yeare in the ground . 554. He that commits a fault , thinkes every one speakes of it . 555. He that 's foolish in the fault , let him be wise in the punishment . 556. The blind eate many a flie . 557. He that can make a fire well , can end a quarrell . 558. The tooth-ach is more ease , then to deale with ill people . 559. Hee that should have what hee hath not , should doe what he doth not . 560. He that hath no good trade , it is to his losse . 561. The offender never pardons . 562. He that lives not well one yeare , sorrowes seven after . 563. He that hopes not for good , feares not evill . 564. He that is angry at a feast is rude . 565. He that mockes a cripple , ought to be whole . 566. When the tree is fallen , all goe with their hatchet . 567. He that hath hornes in his bosom , let him not put them on his head . 568. He that burnes most shines most . 569. He that trusts in a lie , shall perish in truth . 570. Hee that blowes in the dust fills his eyes with it . 571. Bells call others , but themselves enter not into the Church . 572. Of faire things , the Autumne is faire . 573. Giving is dead , restoring very sicke . 574. A gift much expected is paid , not given . 575. Two ill meales make the third a glutton . 576. The Royall Crowne cures not the head-ach . 577. 'T is hard to be wretched , but worse to be knowne so . 578. A feather in hand is better then a bird in the ayre . 579. It 's better to be head of a Lyzard , then the tayle of a Lyon. 580 , Good & quickly seldome meete . 581. Folly growes without watering . 582. Happier are the hands compast with yron , then a heart with thoughts . 583 , If the staffe be crooked , the shaddow cannot be straight . 584. To take the nuts from the fire with the dogges foot . 585. He is a foole that makes a wedge of his fist . 586. Valour that parlies , is neare yeelding . 587. Thursday come , and the week's gone . 588. A flatterers throat is an open Sepulcher . 589. There is great force hidden in a sweet command . 590. The command of custome is great . 591. To have money is a feare , not to have it a griefe . 592. The Catt sees not the mouse ever . 593. Little dogs start the Hare , the great get her . 594. Willowes are weake , yet they bind other wood . 595. A good prayer is master of anothers purse . 596. The thread breakes , where it is weakest . 597. Old men , when they scorne young make much of death . 598. God is at the end , when we thinke he is furthest off it . 599. A good Judge conceives quickly , judges slowly . 600. Rivers neede a spring . 601. He that contemplates , hath a day without night . 602. Give loosers leave to talke . 603. Losse embraceth shame . 604. Gaming , women , and wine , while they laugh they make men pine . 605. The fatt man knoweth not , what the leane thinketh . 606. Wood halfe burnt is easily kindled . 607. The fish adores the bait . 608. He that goeth farre hath many encounters . 609. Every bees hony is sweet . 610. The slothfull is the servant of the counters . 611. Wisedome hath one foot on Land , and another on Sea. 612. The thought hath good leggs , and the quill a good tongue . 613. A wise man needes not blush for changing his purpose . 614. The March sunne raises but dissolves not . 615 Time is the Rider that breakes youth . 616. The wine in the bottell doth not quench thirst . 617. The sight of a man hath the force of a Lyon. 618. An examin'd enterprize , goes on boldly . 619. In every Art it is good to have a master . 620. In every country dogges bite . 621. In every countrey the sun rises in the morning . 622. A noble plant suites not with a stubborne ground . 623. You may bring a horse to the river , but he will drinke when and what he pleaseth . 624. Before you make a friend , eate a bushell of salt with him . 625. Speake fitly , or be silent wisely ▪ 626. Skill and confidence are an unconquered army . 627. I was taken by a morsell , saies the fish . 628. A disarmed peace is weake . 629. The ballance distinguisheth not betweene gold and lead . 630. The perswasion of the fortunate swaies the doubtfull . 631. To bee beloved is above all bargaines . 632. To deceive ones selfe is very easie . 633. The reasons of the poore weigh not . 634. Perversnes makes one squint ey'd . 635. The evening praises the day , and the morning a frost . 636. The table robbes more then a thiefe . 637. When age is jocond it makes sport for death . 638. True praise rootes and spreedes . 639. Feares are divided in the midst . 640. The soule needes few things , the body many . 641. Astrologie is true , but the Astrologers cannot finde it . 642. Ty it well , and let it goe . 643. Emptie vessels sound most . 644. Send not a Catt for Lard . 645. Foolish tongues talke by the dozen . 646. Love makes one fitt for any work . 647. A pittifull mother makes a scald head . 648. An old Physitian , and a young Lawyer . 649. Talke much and erre much , saies the Spanyard . 650. Some make a conscience of spitting in the Church , yet robbe the Altar . 651. An idle head is a boxe for the winde . 652. Shew me a lyer , and I le shew thee a theefe . 653. A beane in liberty , is better then a comfit in prison . 654. None is borne Master . 655. Shew a good man his errour and he turnes it to a vertue , but an ill , it doubles his fault . 656. None is offended but by himselfe . 657. None saies his Garner is full . 658. In the husband , wisedome , in the wife gentlenesse . 659. Nothing dries sooner then a teare . 660. In a Leopard the spotts are not observed . 661. Nothing lasts but the Church . 662. A wise man cares not for what he cannot have . 663. It 's not good fishing before the net . 664. He cannot be vertuous that is not rigorous . 665. That which will not be spun , let it not come betweene the spindle and the distaffe . 666. When my house burnes , it 's not good playing at Chesse . 667. No barber shaves so close , but another finds worke . 668. Ther 's no great banquet , but some fares ill . 669. A holy habit clenseth not a foule soule . 670. Forbeare not sowing , because of birds . 671. Mention not a halter in the house of him that was hanged . 672. Speake not of a dead man at the table . 673. A hatt is not made for one shower . 674. No sooner is a Temple built to God but the Devill builds a Chappell hard by . 675. Every one puts his fault on the Times . 676. You cannot make a wind-mill goe with a paire of bellowes . 677. Pardon all but thy selfe . 678. Every one is weary , the poore in seeking , the rich in keeping , the good in learning . 679. The escaped mouse ever feeles the taste of the bait . 680. A litle wind kindles ; much puts out the fire . 681. Dry bread at home is better than rost meate abroad . 682. More have repented speech then silence . 683. The coveteous spends more then the liberall . 684. Divine ashes are better then earthly meale . 685. Beauty drawes more then oxen . 686. One father is more then a hundred Schoolemasters . 687. One eye of the masters sees more , then ten of the servants . 688. When God will punish , hee will first take away the understanding . 689. A little labour , much health . 690. When it thunders , the theefe becomes honest . 691. The tree that God plants , no winde hurts it . 692. Knowledge is no burthen . 693. It 's a bold mouse that nestles in the catts eare . 694. Long jesting was never good . 695. If a good man thrive , all thrive with him . 696. If the mother had not beene in the oven , shee had never sought her daughter there . 697 If great men would have care of little ones , both would last long . 698. Though you see a Church-man ill , yet continue in the Church still . 699. Old praise dies , unlesse you feede it . 700. If things were to be done twice , all would be wise . 701. Had you the world on your Chesse-bord , you could not fit all to your mind . 702. Suffer and expect . 703. If fooles should not foole it , they should loose their season . 704. Love and businesse teach eloquence . 705. That which two will , takes effect . 706. He complaines wrongfully on the sea that twice suffers shipwrack . 707. He is onely bright that shines by himselfe . 708. A valiant mans looke is more then a cowards sword . 709. The effect speakes , the tongue needes not . 710. Divine grace was never slow . 711. Reason lies betweene the spurre and the bridle . 712. It 's a proud horse that will not carry his owne provender . 713. Three women make a market . 714. Three can hold their peace , if two be away . 715. It 's an ill councell that hath no escape . 716. All our pompe the earth covers . 717. To whirle the eyes too much shewes a Kites braine . 718. Comparisons are odious . 719. All keyes hang not on one girdle . 720 Great businesses turne on a little pinne . 721. The wind in ones face makes one wise . 722. All the Armes of England will not arme feare . 723. One sword keepes another in the sheath . 724. Be what thou wouldst seeme to be . 725. Let all live as they would die . 726. A gentle heart is tyed with an easie thread . 727 Sweet discourse makes short daies and nights . 728. God provides for him that trusteth . 729. He that will not have peace , God gives him warre . 730. To him that will , waies are not wanting . 731. To a great night a great Lanthorne . 732. To a child all weather is cold . 733. Where there is peace , God is . 734. None is so wise , but the foole overtakes him . 735. Fooles give , to please all , but their owne . 736. Prosperity le ts goe the bridle . 737. The Frier preached against stealing , and had a goose in his sleeve . 738. To be too busie gets contempt . 739. February makes a bridge and March breakes it . 740. A horse stumbles that hath foure legges . 741. The best smell is bread , the best savour , salt , the best love that of children . 742. That 's the best gowne that goes up and downe the house . 743. The market is the best garden . 744. The first dish pleaseth all . 745. The higher the Ape goes , the more he shewes his taile . 746. Night is the mother of Councels . 747. Gods Mill grinds slow , but sure . 748. Every one thinkes his sacke heaviest . 749. Drought never brought dearth . 750. All complaine . 751. Gamsters and race-horses never last long . 752. It 's a poore sport that 's nor worth the candle . 753. He that is fallen cannot helpe him that is downe . 754. Every one is witty for his owne purpose . 755. A little lett lets an ill workeman . 756. Good workemen are seldome rich . 757. By doing nothing we learne to do ill . 758. A great dowry is a bed full of brables . 759. No profit to honour , no honour to Religion . 760. Every sin brings it's punishment with it . 761. Of him that speakes ill , consider the life more then the words . 762. You cannot hide an eele in a sacke . 763. Give not S. Peter so much , to leave Saint Paul nothing . 764. You cannot flea a stone . 765. The chiefe disease that raignes this yeare is folly . 766. A sleepy master makes his servant a Lowt . 767. Better speake truth rudely , then lye covertly . 768. He that feares leaves , let him not goe into the wood . 769 One foote is better then two crutches . 770. Better suffer ill , then doe ill . 771. Neither praise nor dispraise thy selfe , thy actions serve the turne . 772. Soft and faire goes farre . 773. The constancy of the benefit of the yeere in their seasons , argues a Deity . 774. Praise none to much , for all are fickle . 775. It 's absurd to warme one in his armour . 776. Law sutes consume time , and mony , and rest , and friends . 777. Nature drawes more then ten teemes . 778. Hee that hath a wife and children wants not businesse . 780. A shippe and a woman are ever repairing . 781. He that feares death lives not . 782. He that pitties another , remembers himselfe . 783. He that doth what he should not , shall feele what he would not . 784. Hee that marries for wealth sells his liberty . 785. He that once hitts , is ever bending . 786. He that serves , must serve . 787. He that lends , gives . 788. He that preacheth giveth almes . 789. He that cockers his child , provides for his enemie . 790. A pittifull looke askes enough . 791. Who will sell the Cow , must say the word . 792. Service is no Inheritance . 793. The faulty stands on his guard . 794. A kinsman , a friend , or whom you intreate , take not to serve you , if you will be served neately . 795. At Court , every one for himselfe . 796. To a crafty man , a crafty and an halfe . 797. Hee that is throwne , would ever wrestle . 798. He that serves well needes not ask his wages . 799 Faire language grates not the tongue . 800. A good heart cannot lye . 801. Good swimmers at length are drowned . 802 Good land , evill way . 803. In doing we learne . 804. It 's good walking with a horse in ones hand . 805. God , and Parents , and our Master , can never be requited . 806. An ill deede cannot bring honour . 807. A small heart hath small desires . 808. All are not merry that dance lightly . 809. Curtesie on one side only lasts not long . 810. Wine-Counsels seldome prosper . 811. Weening is not measure . 812. The best of the sport is to doe the deede , and say nothing . 813. If thou thy selfe canst doe it , attend no others helpe or hand . 814. Of a little thing a little displeaseth . 815 ▪ He warmes too neere that burnes . 816. God keepe me from foure houses , an Vsurers , a Taverne , a Spittle , and a Prison . 817. In hundred elles of contention , there is not an inch of love . 818. Doe what thou oughtest , and come what come can . 819. Hunger makes dinners , pastime suppers . 820. In a long journey straw waighs . 821. Women laugh when they can , and weepe when they will. 822. Warre is deaths feast . 823. Set good against evill . 824. Hee that brings good newes knockes hard . 825. Beate the dog before the Lyon. 826. Hast comes not alone . 827. You must loose a flie to catch a trout . 828. Better a snotty child , then his nose wip'd off . 829. No prison is faire , not love foule . 830. Hee is not free that drawes his chaine . 831. Hee goes not out of his way , that goes to a good Inne . 833. There come nought out of the sacke but what was there . 834. A little given seasonably , excuses a great gift . 835. Hee lookes not well to himselfe that lookes not ever . 836. He thinkes not well , that thinkes not againe . 837. Religion , Credit , and the Eye are not to be touched . 838. The tongue is not steele , yet it cuts . 839. A white wall is the paper of a foole . 840. They talke of Christmas so long , that it comes . 841. That is gold which is worth gold . 842. It 's good tying the sack before it be full . 843. Words are women , deedes are men . 844. Poverty is no sinne . 845. A stone in a well is not lost . 846. He can give little to his servant , that lickes his knife . 847. Promising is the eve of giving . 848. Hee that keepes his owne makes warre . 849. The Wolfe must dye in his owne skinne . 850. Goods are theirs that enjoy them . 851. He that sends a foole expects one . 852. He that can stay obtaines . 853. Hee that gaines well and spends well , needes no count booke . 854. He that endures , is not overcome . 855. He that gives all , before hee dies provides to suffer . 856. He that talkes much of his happinesse summons griefe . 857 Hee that loves the tree , loves the branch 858. Who hastens a glutton choakes him . 859. Who praiseth Saint Peter , doth not blame Saint Paul. 860. He that hath not the craft , let him shut up shop . 861. He that knowes nothing , doubts nothing . 862. Greene wood makes a hott fire . 863. He that marries late , marries ill . 864. He that passeth a winters day escapes an enemy . 865. The Rich knowes not who is his friend . 866. A morning sunne , and a wine-bred child , and a latin-bred woman , seldome end well . 867. To a close shorne sheepe , God gives wind by measure . 868 A pleasure long expected , is deare enough sold. 869. A poore mans Cow dies rich mans child . 870. The Cow knowes not what her taile is worth , till she have lost it . 871. Chuse a horse made , and a wife to make . 872. It 's an ill aire where wee gaine nothing . 873. Hee hath not liv'd , that lives not after death . 874. So many men in Court and so many strangers . 875. He quits his place well , that leaves his friend there . 876. That which sufficeth is not little . 877. Good newes may bee told at any time , but ill in the morning . 878. Hee that would be a Gentleman , let him goe to an assault . 879. Who paies the Physitian , does the cure . 880. None knowes the weight of anothers burthen . 881. Every one hath a foole in his sleeve . 882. One houres sleepe before midnight , is worth three after . 883. In a retreat the lame are formost . 884. It 's more paine to doe nothing then something . 885. Amongst good men two men suffice . 886. There needs a long time to know the worlds pulse . 887. The ofspring of those that are very young , or very old , lasts not . 888. A Tyrant is most tyrant to himselfe . 889. Too much taking heede is losse . 890. Craft against craft , makes no living . 891. The Reverend are ever before . 892. France is a meddow that cuts thrice a yeere . 893. 'T is easier to build two chimneys , then to maintaine one . 894. The Court hath no Almanack . 895. He that will enter into Paradise . must have a good key . 896. When you enter into a house , leave the anger ever at the doore . 897. Hee hath no leisure who useth it not . 898. It 's a wicked thing to make a dearth ones garner . 899. He that deales in the world needes foure seeves . 900. Take heede of an oxe before , of an horse behind , of a monke on all sides . 901. The yeare doth nothing else but open and shut . 902. The ignorant hath an Eagles wings , and an Owles eyes . 903. There are more Physitians in health then drunkards . 904. The wife is the key of the house . 905. The Law is not the same at morning and at night . 906. Warre and Physicke are governed by the eye . 907. Halfe the world knowes not how the other halfe lies . 908. Death keepes no Calender . 909. Ships feare fire more then water . 910. The least foolish is wise . 911. The chiefe boxe of health is time . 912. Silkes and Satins put out the fire in the chimney . 913. The first blow is as much as two . 914 The life of man is a winter way . 915. The way is an ill neighbour . 916. An old mans staffe is the rapper of deaths doore . 917. Life is halfe spent before we know , what it is . 918. The singing man keepes his shop in his throate . 919. The body is more drest then the soule . 920. The body is sooner drest then the soule . 921. The Physitian owes all to the patient , but the patient owes nothing to him but a little mony . 922. The little cannot bee great , unlesse he devoure many . 923. Time undermines us . 924. The Chollerick drinkes , the Melancholick eates ; the Flegmatick sleepes . 925. The Apothecaries morter spoiles the Luters musick . 926. Conversation makes one what he is . 927. The deafe gaines the injury . 928. Yeeres know more then bookes . 929. Wine is a turne-coate ( first a friend , then an enemy . ) 930. Wine ever paies for his lodging . 931. Wine makes all sorts of creatures at table . 932. Wine that cost nothing is digested before it be drunke . 933. Trees eate but once . 934. Armour is light at table . 935. Good horses make short miles . 936. Castles are Forrests of stones . 937. The dainties of the great , are the teares of the poore . 938. Parsons are soules waggoners . 939. Children when they are little make parents fooles , when they are great they make them mad . 940. The Mr. absent , and the house dead . 941. Dogs are fine in the field ▪ 942. Sinnes are not knowne till they bee acted . 943. Thornes whiten yet doe nothing . 944. All are presumed good , till they are found in a fault . 945. The great put the little on the hooke . 946. The great would have none great and the little all little . 947 The Italians are wise before the deede , the Germanes in the deede , the French after the deede . 949. Every mile is two in winter . 950. Spectacles are deaths Harquebuze . 951. Lawyers houses are built on the heads of fooles . 952. The house is a fine house , when good folke are within . 953. The best bred have the best portion . 954. The first and last frosts are the worst . 955. Gifts enter every where without a wimble . 956. Princes have no way . 957. Knowledge makes one laugh , but wealth makes one dance . 958. The Citizen is at his businesse before he rise . 959. The eyes have one language every where . 960. It is better to have wings then hornes . 961. Better be a foole then a knave . 962. Count not fowre except you have them in a wallett . 963. To live peaceably with all breedes good blood . 964. You may be on land , yet not in a garden . 965. You cannot make the fire so low but it will get out . 966. Wee know not who lives or dies . 967. An Oxe is taken by the horns , and a Man by the tongue . 968. Manie things are lost for want of osking . 969. No Church-yard is so handsom , that a man would desire straight to bee buried there . 970. Citties are taken by the eares . 971. Once a yeare a man may say : on his conscience . 972. Wee leave more to do when wee dye , then wee have done . 973. With customes wee live well , but Lawes undoe us . 674 To speake of an Vsurer at the table , marres the wine . 975. Paines to get , care to keep , feare to lose . 976. For a morning raine leave not your journey . 977. One faire day in winter makes not birds merrie . 278 Hee that learnes a trade hath a purchase made . 979. When all men have , what belongs to them , it cannot bee much . 980. Though God take the sunne out of the Heaven yet we must have patience . 981. When a man sleepes , his head is in his stomach . 982. When one is on horsebacke hee knowes all things . 983. When God is made master of a family , he orders the disorderly . 984. When a Lackey comes to hells doore the devills locke the gates . 985. He that is at ease , seekes dainties . 986. Hee that hath charge of soules , transports them not in bundles . 987. Hee that tells his wife newes is but newly married . 988. Hee that is in a towne in May , loseth his spring . 989. Hee that is in a Taverne , thinkes he is in a vine-garden . 990. He that praiseth himselfe , spattereth himselfe . 991. Hee that is a master must serve ( another . ) 992. He that is surprized with the first frost , feeles it all the winter after . 993. Hee a beast doth die , that hath done no good to his country . 994. He that followes the Lord hopes to goe before . 995. He that dies without the company of good men , puts not himselfe into a good way . 996. Who hath no head , needes no hatt . 997. Who hath no hast in his businesse , mountaines to him seeme valleys . 998. Speake not of my debts , unlesse you meane to pay them . 999. He that is not in the warres is not out of danger . 1000. He that gives me small gifts , would have me live . 1001. He that is his owne Counsellor , knowes nothing sure but what hee hath laid out . 1002. He that hath lands hath quarrells . 1003. Hee that goes to bed thirsty , riseth healthy . 1004. Who will make a doore of gold must knock a naile every day . 1005. A trade is better then service . 1006 ▪ Hee that lives in hope danceth without musick . 1007. To review ones store is to mow twice . 1008. Saint Luke was a Saint and a Physitian , yet is dead . 1009. Without businesse debauchery . 1010. Without danger we cannot get beyond danger . 1011. Health and sicknesse surely are mens double enemies . 1012. If gold knew what gold is , gold would get gold I wis . 1013. Little losses amaze , great , tame . 1014. Chuse none for thy servant , who have served thy betters . 1015. Service without reward is punishment . 1016. If the husband be not at home , there is nobodie . 1017. An oath that is not to bee made , is not to be kept . 1018. The eye is bigger then the belly . 1019. If you would bee at ease , all the world is not . 1020. Were it not for the bone in the legge , all the world would turne Carpenters ( to make them crutches . ) 1021. If you must flie , flie well . 1022. All that shakes falles not . 1023. All beasts of prey , are strong or treacherous . 1024. If the braine sowes not corne , it plants thistles . 1025. A man well mounted , is ever Cholerick . 1026. Every one is a master and servant . 1027. A piece of a Churchyard fitts every body . 1028 ▪ One month doth nothing without another . 1029. A master of straw eates a servant of steele . 1030. An old cat sports not with her prey 1031. A woman conceales what shee knowes not . 1032. Hee that wipes the childs nose , kisseth the mothers cheeke . FINIS . 
A65514	----	Westminster-drollery, or, A choice collection of the newest songs & poems both at court and theaters by a person of quality ; with additions. Westminster drollery. 1671 Approx. 268 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 130 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2004-05 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A65514 Wing W1457 Wing W1462 ESTC R8083 12710144 ocm 12710144 66089 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A65514) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 66089) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 371:10) Westminster-drollery, or, A choice collection of the newest songs & poems both at court and theaters by a person of quality ; with additions. Westminster drollery. Person of quality. 2 pts. ([3], 124, [4], 132 p.) Printed for H. Brome ..., London : 1671-1672. The second part has special t.p.: Westminster drollery, the second part : being a compleat collection of all the newest and choicest songs and poems at court and both the theaters by the author of the first part, never printed before. London : Printed for Willian Gilbert [and Tho. Sawbridge, 1672]. Dedication of 2nd pt. signed: Ric. Mangie. Reproduction of original in Bodleian Library. Imperfect: last line of imprint on t.p. of 2nd pt. cropped. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. 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Understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of TCP data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. Users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a TCP editor. The texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level 4 of the TEI in Libraries guidelines. Copies of the texts have been issued variously as SGML (TCP schema; ASCII text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable XML (TCP schema; characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless XML (TEI P5, characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or TEI g elements). Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng English wit and humor. English poetry -- Early modern, 1500-1700. Ballads, English -- Texts. 2003-09 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2003-10 SPi Global Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2003-11 John Latta Sampled and proofread 2003-11 John Latta Text and markup reviewed and edited 2003-12 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion Westminster-Drollery . Or , A Choice COLLECTION Of the Newest SONGS & POEMS BOTH AT Court and Theaters . BY A Person of Quality . With Additions . LONDON , Printed for H. Brome at the Gun in St. Paul Church Yard , near the West End. MDCLXXI . WESTMINSTER-DROLLERY . The first Song in the Ball at Court. 1. I Pass all my Hours in a shady old Grove , And I live not the day that I see not my Love : I survey every Walk now my Phillis is gone , And sigh when I think we were there all alone . O then 't is , O then I think there 's no such Hell , Like loving , like loving to well . 2. But each shade and each conscious Bow'r that I find , Where I once have been happy , and she has been kind , And I see the print left of her shape in the Green , And imagine the pleasure may yet come agen , O then 't is , O then I think no joy's above The pleasures , the pleasures of love . 3. While alone to my self I repeat all her charms , She I love may be lock'd in another mans arms : She may laugh at my cares , and so false she may be , To say all the kind things she before said to me . O then 't is , O then I think there 's no such Hell , Like loving , like loving too well . 4. But when I consider the truth of her heart , Such an innocent passion , so kind , without art , I fear I have wrong'd her , and hope she may be So full of true love , to be jealous of me . O then 't is , O then I think no joys above The pleasures , the pleasures of Love. The second Song in the Masque at Court. 1. A Lover I am , and a Lover I 'le be , And hope from my Love I shall never be free . Let wisdom be blam'd in the grave woman-hater , Yet never to love , is a sin of ill nature : But he who loves well , and whose passion is strong , Shall never be wretched , but ever be young . 2. With hopes and with fears , like a Ship in the Ocean , Our hearts are kept dancing , and ever in motion . When our passion is pallid , and our fancy wou'd sail , A little kind quarrel supplies a fresh gale : But when the doubt's clear'd , and the jealousi's gone , How we kiss , and embrace , and can never have done . A Song at the King's House . 1. HOw hard is a heart to be cur'd That is once overwhelm'd with despair , 'T is a pain by force is endur'd , Despises our pity , and scoffs at our fear : But if nothing but Death shall untie Those fetters wherewith you enslave me , For your sake I am ready to try If you are unwilling to leave me , Then I am not unwilling to die . 2. How much were it better complying With the tears , the sighs , and the groans Of a poor distrest Lover dying , And list to the cries of his pitiful moans : When your Slave shall in triumph be led To see the effects of good nature , It shall for your honour be sed , 'T is true you have kill'd a poor Creature , Yet have rais'd him again from the dead . 3. Though your heart be as cold as the ice is , At one time or other you 'l find , That love has a thousand devices To banish could thoughts from your scrupulous mind . Thy aid mighty Iove I implore , That thou to the fair one discover , The joys I have for her in store , Which she to her passionate Lover Will say , shee 'll be cruel no more . A Song at the Kings House . 1. CLoris , let my passion ever , Be to you as I design : Flames so noble , that you never Saw the like till you knew mine . 2. Not a breath of seigned passion From my lips shall reach your ears ; Nor this love that 's now in fashion ; Made of modest sighs and tears . 3. In my breast a room so sitting For your heart I will prepare , That you 'l never think of quitting , Were you once but harbour'd there . 4. The Rent's not great that I require From your heart , mine to repay : Fortitude's all I desire To keep your lodging from decay . 5. Fairest Saint , then be not cruel , Nor to love me count i● sin ; Since a smile from you is fewel , For to keep this fire in . 6. When I am forc'd by death or age , From your flames for to retire , All true Lovers I 'll engage Still my passion to admire . The last Song at the Kings House . 1. A Wife I do hate , For either she 's false , or she 's jealous ; But give me a Mate That nothing will ask or tell us : She stands on no terms , Nor chaffers by way of Indenture ; Her love 's for your Farms , But takes the kind man at a venture . 2. If all prove not right , Without Act , Process , or Warning , From a Wife for a night You may be divorc'd in the morning . Where Parents are slaves Their Brats cannot be any other ; Great Wits and great Braves Have alwayes a P●nk to their M●ther . A Song . 1. WEr'● thou but half so wise as thou art fair , Thou would'st not need such courting , 'T will prove a loss you 'll ne'er repair , Should you still defer your sporting . This peevish shall I , shall I , you 'll repent , When your spring is over , Beauties after — math — no kind friends hath To gratifie a Lover . 2. Perhaps you may think 't is a sin to deal , Till Hymen doth authorize you : Though the Gods themselves sweet pleasure steal , That to coyness thus advise you . Pox upon the Link-boy and his Taper , I 'll kiss , although not have you , 'T was an Eunuch wrote all the Text that you quote , And the Ethicks that inslave you . 3. I am sure you have heard of that sprightly Dame That with Mars so often traded , Had the God but thought she had been to blame , She had surely been degraded . Nor is blind Cupid less esteemed For the sly tricks of his Mother , For men do adore that Son of a Whore , As much as any other . 4. 'T is plain antiquity dothlie Which made Lucretia squeamish ; For that which you call Chastity . Upon her left a blemish : For when her Paramour grew weak , Her passion waxed stronger , For the Lecherous Drab her self did stab 'Cause ●arquin staid no longer . 5. Then away with this Bugbear Vice , You are lost if that you fly me , In Ell●ium ( if you here are nice ) You never shall come nigh me : Hell for V●stals is a Cloyster I don't run doting thither , For the pleasant shades are for her that trades : Let 's truck and go together . A late Song by a Person of Quality . 1. ALas , what shall I do ? I have taken on me now To make a Song , I vow ; O wo is me : I am commanded to 't , I dare nor stand it out , Though I am put to th' rout , it must be : Thou shalt do 't , then stand to 't , I 'll set my Muse 〈◊〉 fo● With a good chirping Cup , There may some hidden Mine , spring from the jui●● of wine ▪ Then take 't and drink it up . 2. Pox on 't , it will not do , I must have t'other too , I claim it as my due , and must love't ; For where the Land is dry , the good Husband he doth hi● To bring the water nigh to improve't . He●e's the use of the Juice , open me then the sluce , And deny my wit in grain ; That Skull 's ne'er empty that takes it in plenty , It 's the only spring of the brain . 3. Madam now you may see what obedience is in me , I have done what may be to obey , I have set my Muse on foot , with the sprightly grape to boot , Your Commands made me do 't , they must sway : If my pate soon or late , shall bring forth some conceit , To you my wit I owe. If I do fall flat , it s because , mark you that , I am a Cup to low . If I spake sense enough , or did speak but stuff , All is alike to me ; I 'll never pause upon 't , you were the cause on 't , And that 's my Apologie . Silvia . Made by a Person of Honour . But the Answer and Reply lately added . SIlvia , tell me how long it will be Before you will grant my desire : Is there no end of your crueltie , But must I consume in this fire ? You 'll not tell me you love me , nor yet that you hate , But take pleasure in seeing me languish Ah Silvia pity my desperate state , For you are the cause of my anguish : Her ANSWER . DAmon , I tell thee I never shall be In a humour to grant thy desire ; Nor can I be tax'd with crueltie , Having one that I more do admire . For 't is him that I love , and thee that I hate , Yet I find you fain would be doing ; No , Damon , you never shall be my Mate , Then prethee , Friend , leave off thy wooing . His REPLY . SILVIA know , I never shall more Be a Suitor to pride and disdaining , Nor can my respects be as heretofore , Being now in the time of their waining : For I prize not thy love , nor I fear not thy hate , Then prethee take it for a warning , Whenever you meet with another mate , Faith Silvia leave off your scorning . A Song at the Kings House . 1. WHere-ever I am , and whatever I do , My Phillis is still in my mind : When angry , I mean not to Phillis to go , My feet of themselves the way find . Unknown to my self , I am just at her door , And when I would rail , I can bring out no more . Than , Phillis too fair and unkind . Than , Phillis too fair and unkind . 2. When Phillis I see , my heart burns in my brest , And the love I would stifle is shown , But asleep or wake , I am never at rest , When from mine eyes Phillis is gone . Sometimes a sweet dream does delude my sad mind , But alas when I wake , and no Phillis I find , Then I sigh to my self all alone , Then I sigh to my self all alone . 3. Should a King be my Rival in her I adore , He should offer his treasure in vain , O let me alone to be happy and poor , And give me my Phillis again : Let Phillis be mi●e , and ever be kind , I' could to a Desart with her be confin'd , And envy no Monarch his Reign , And envy no Monarch his Reign . 4. Alas ! I discover too much of my love , And she too well knows her own power ; She makes me each day a new Martyrdom prove , And makes me grow jealous each hour . But let her each minute torment my poor mind , I had rather love Phillis both false and unkind , Then ever be freed from her power , Then ever be freed from her power . The Coy Lady slighted at last . 1. POor Celia once was very fair , A quick bewitching eye she had , Most neatly look'd her braided hair , Her lovely cheeks would make you mad● Upon her Lips did all the Graces play , And on her Breasts ten thousand Cupids lay . 2. Then many a doting Lover came , From seventeen unto twenty one : Each told her of his mighty flame , But she forsooth affected none ; This was not handsome , t'other was not fine ; This of Tobacco s●elt , and that of Wine . 3. But t'other day it was my fate To pass along that way alone : I saw no Coach before her Gate , But at her door I heard her moan , And dropt a tear , and sighing seem'd to say , Young Ladies marry , marry while you may . A Song at the Kings House . 1. WOrld thou art so wicked grown , That thy deceits I must disown , Since Knaves from honest men cannot be known , So general is Distraction : 2. Men that are grave and should be wise , In their opinions are so precise , That always they turn up the whites of their eyes , When plotting some other faction . Conventicles are grown so rife , Whose followers are so many , There 's so much gathered for their relief , Poor Cavaliers cannot get any . Wit without money is such a curse , No Mortal would be in its Clutches : And he that hath one without t'other is worse Than a Cripple without his Crutches . A Song by a Person of Quality . HOld , hold , and no further advance , For I 'm cast i● a Trance , If an inch more you give , I 'm not able to live , Then draw back your Lance. So now 't is pretty well my Love , Yet if you will , You may somewhat further shove , But do not kill . I die , I die , my breath 's almost gone ; Pray let me sleep , and I 'll wake anon . A Rhodomantade on his cruel Mistress . SEek not to know a woman ; for she 's worse Than all Ingredients cram'd into a Curse . Were she but ugly , prevish , proud , a Whore , Perjur'd or painted , so she were no more , I could forgive her , and connive at this , Alledging still she but a VVoman is : But she is worse , and may in time forestal , The Devil , and be the damning of us all . A SONG . A Dialogue between two Friends . Tune , How severe is forgetful old age . R. HOw unhappy a Lover am I , VVh●lst I sigh for my Phyllis in vain , All my hopes of delight are another mans right , VVho is happy whilst I am in pain . W. 2. Since her honour affords no relief , As to pity the pains which you bear , It 's the best of your Fate in a helpless estate , To give over betimes to despair . R. 3. I have tried the false Medicine in vain , Yet I wisht what I hope not to win , From without my desires has no food to its fires , But it burns and consumes me within . W. 4. Yet at best it 's a comfort to know That you are not unhappy alone ; For the Nymph you adore is as wretched or more , And accounts all your sufferings her own . R. 5. O you Powers let me suffer for both , At the feet of my Phyllis I 'll lie , I 'll resign up my breath , and take pleasure in death , To be pitied by her when I die . W. 6. What her honour deny'd you in life , In her death she will give to her love : Such a flame as is true after fate will renew , For the souls do meet freely above . A SONG call'd The Injur'd Lady . 1. O You powerful Gods , if I must be An injur'd Offering to Loves Deity , Grant my Revenge , this Plague on men , That Women ne'r may love agen . Then I 'll with joy submit unto my Fate , Which by your Iustice gives your Empire date . 2. Depose that great insulting Tyrant Boy , Who most is pleas'd when he does most destroy : O let the world no longer govern'd be By such a blind and childish Deity . For if you Gods are in your Power severe , We shall adore you not for Love but Fear . 3. But if you 'l his Divinity maintain , ( 'T is men , false men , confirm his tott'ring re●gn ) And when their hearts Loves greatest torment prove Let that no pity , but our laughter move . Thus scorn'd and lost to all their wisht for aim , Let rage , despair , and death consume their flame . The Wooing Rogue . The Tune ●s , My Freedom is all my Ioy. 1. COme live with me , and be my Whore , And we will be● from door to door , Then under a hedge we 'l sit and louse us , Until the Beadle comes to rouse us , And if the●'l give us no relief , Thou shalt turn Whore and I 'l turn Thief . Thou shalt turn Whore and I 'l turn Thief . 2. If thou canst rob , then I can steal , And we 'l eat Roast-meat every meal : Nay , we 'l eat White-bread every day , And throw our mouldy Crusts away , And twice a day we will be drunk , And then at night I 'l kiss my Punk . And then at night I 'l kiss my Punk . 3. And when we both shall have the Pox , We then shall want both Shirts and Smocks , To shift each others mangy hide , That is with Itch so pockifi'd ; VVe 'l take some clean ones from a hedge , And leave our old ones for a pledge . And leave our old ones for a pledge . A Song at the Kings House . 1. HOw severe is forgetful old age , To confine a poor Lover so , That I almost despair to see even the air , Much more my dear Damon , hey ho. 2. Though I whisper my sighs out alone , Yet I am trac'd where-ever I go , That some treacherous Tree keeps this old man from me And there he counts every hey ho. 3. How shall I this Argus blind , And so put an end to my wo ? But whilst I beguile all his frowns with a smile , I betray my self with a hey ho. 4. My restraint then , alas , must endure ; So that since my sad doom I know , I will pine for my Love like the Turtle-Dove , And breath out my life in hey ho. A Song at the King's House . 1. NEver perswade me to 't , I vow I live not : How canst thou Expect a life in me , Since my Soul is sled to thee ? You suppose because I walk , And you think talk , I therefore breath , alas , you know Shades as well as men do so . 2. You may argue I have heat , My pulses beat , My sighs have in them living fire . Grant your Argument be truth , Such heats my youth In●lame , as poysons do only prepare To make death their follower . A Song . FArewel , farewel fond love , under whose childish whip I have serv'd out a weary Prenticeship . Farewel , thou that hast made me thy scorn'd property , To dote on those that lov'd not , And to sly those that woo'd me : Go bane of my content , and practise on some other Patient . 2. My woful Monument shall be a Cell , The murmur of the purling Brook my knell ; And for my Epitaph the Rocks shall groan Eternally : if any ask this Stone , What wretched thing doth in this compass lie , The hollow Echo shall reply , 'T is I , 'T is I. The hollow Echo shall reply , 'T is I. Farewel , farewel . A Song at the King's House . 1. HAve I not told thee , dearest mine , That I destroy'd should be ? Unhappy , though the crime was thine , And mine the misery : Thou art not kind , ther 's none so blind As those that will not see . 2. Have I not sigh'd away my breath In homage to thy beauty : What have I got but certain death , A poor reward for duty . Well , when I 'm gone you 'l ne'r have one That will prove half so true t' ye . 3. Have I not steep'd my soul in tears , When thou didst hardly mind it ? But rather added to my fears , When love should have declin'd it ? VVhich in this breast , I hope for rest , But now despair to sind it . 4. O that I could but sound thy heart , And fathom but thy mind : Then would I search thy better part , And force thee to be kind : But now I 'm lost , and here am crost , 'T is they that hide must find . 4. If pity then within thy heart Doth own a residence , Vouchsafe to read my tragick part , And plead my innocence : Then when I 'm dead , it may be said , 'T was love was my offence . 5. But since thy will is to destroy , I dare not mercy crave , But kindly thank my fate , and joy I liv'd to die thy Slave : Then exercise those killing eyes , And frown me to my grave : A Song . LOve , fare thee well , Since no love can dwell In thee , that in hatred dost all excel . 2. All Love is blind , Yet none more unkind , Than those that repay Love with a proud mind . 3. Love that 's Divine , Is not Love like to mine , Since she doth laugh , when I do repine . Then gent●e Love for Loves own sake , Sigh loving Soul , and break heart , break . A Song . 1. MAny declare what torments there are , Yet none ever felt so much of despair : No love can tell how high my griefs swell . O curs'd be the pride that reduc'd me to Hell. 2. My heart is on fire , whilst I do admire That you with disdain requite my desire : All must cease , that my flames may increase , And curs'd be the pride that murther'd my peace . A Song at the Kings House . BRight Celia , know 't was not thine eyes Alone that first did me surprize ; The Gods use seldom to dispense To your Sex Beauty and Conscience ; If then they have made me untrue , The fault lies not in me , but you : Sure 't is no crime to break a Vow , When we are first I know not how . 2. You press me an unusual way , To make my Song my Love betray : Yet fear you 'l turn it to a jest , And use me as y 'ave done the rest Of those sad Captives which complain , Yet are enamour'd of their slame : And though they die for love of you , Dare neither love nor you pursue . 3. If love be sin , why live you then To make so many guilty men ? Since 't is not in the power of Art To make a Brest-plate for the heart : Since 't is your eyes Loves Shafts convey Into our souls a secret way ; Where if once sixt , no Herb nor Charm Can cure us of our inward harm . A Song . 1. ALl the flatteries of Fate , And the glories of State , Are nothing so sweet as what Love doth create : If Love you deny , 'T is time I should die ; Kind Death 's a reprieve when you threaten to hate . 2. In some shady Grove Will I wander and rove , With Philomel and the Disconsolate Dove : With a down-hanging wing Will I mournfully sing The Tragick events of Unfortunate Love. 3. With our plaints we 'l conspire For to heighten Loves fire , Still vanquishing life , till at last we expire : But when we are dead , In a cold leafy bed Be interr'd with the D●rge of this desolate Q●ire . A Song at the Kings House . 1. LOve that is skrew'd a pitch too high , May speak , but with a squeeze will die : The solid Lover knows not how To play the Changeling with his Vow : Small sorrows may find vent , and break , Great ones will rather burst than speak . Such is my fortune when my Flora frowns , Not only me , but she the world will drown . 2. Thus am I drench'd in misery , Yet hope she may be kind to me : I , but 't is long first , could she but restrain Those kindnesses which I 'd be glad to gain , She 'l surely do'● : if so , it shall be known I lov'd her for her own sake , not my own . Thus will I live and die , and so will be Exemplary to all Posterity . A Song . 1. WHat care I though the world reprove My bold , my over-daring love : Ignoble minds themselves exempt From int'rest in a brave attempt . 2. The Eagle soaring to behold The Sun aray'd in flames of gold , Regards not though she burns her wings , Since that rich sight such pleasure brings . 3. So feel I now my smiling thought To such a resolution brought , That it contemns all grief and smart , Since I so high have plac'd my heart . 4. And if I die , some worthy Spirits To future times shall sing my merits , That easily did my life despise , Yet ne'r forsook my enterprise . 5. Then shine bright S●n , and let me see The glory of thy Majesty : I wish to die , so I may have Thy look , my death ; thine eye , my grave . A Song . 1. BUrn and consume , burn wretched heart , Unhappy in extremes thou art : If dying looks serve not thy turn , To say thy Beauty makes me burn , 2. From thoughts inslam'd pale colours fume Into my face , and it consume : O my poor heart , what charms thee so , That thy afflicted face lets know , 3. Yet will not tell who murthers thee , But yet will still a Lover be : Who hides my Phenix eyes , that she , Whom I adore thus cannot see , 4. How I for her am made a prey To sorrow : and do pine away : O foolish c●stom and vile use , My silence now deserves no truce . A Song at the Dukes House . O Fain would I before I die Bequeath to thee a Legacy : That thou maist say , when I am gone , None had my heart but thee alone : Had I as many hearts as hairs , As many lives as Lovers fears , As many lives as years have hours , They all and only should be yours . Dearest , before you condescend To entertain a bosom Friend , Be sure you know yo●r servant well , Before your liberty you sell : For love 's a fire in young and old , 'T is sometimes hot , and sometimes cold ; And men you know that when they please , They can be sick of Loves disease . Then wisely chuse a Friend that may Last for an age , and not a day ; Who loves thee not for lip or eye , But for thy mutual sympathy . Let such a Friend thy heart engage , For he will comfort thee in age , And kiss thy furrow'd wrinkled brow VVith as much joy as I do now . A Song called , And to each pretty Lass we will give a green Gown . 1. THus all our life long we are frolick and gay , And instead of Court-revels , we merrily play At Trap , at Rules , and at Barly-break run : At Goff , and at Foot-ball , and when we have done These innocent sports , we 'l laugh and lie down , And to each pretty L●ss We will give a green Gown . 2. We teach our little Dogs to fetch and to carry : The Partridge , the Hare , the Pheasant's our Quarry : The nimble Sqirrils with cudgels we 'l chase , And the little pretty Lark we betray with a Glass . And when we have done , &c. 3. About the May-pole we dance all in a round , And with Garlands of Pinks and Roses are crown'd ▪ Our little kind tribute we chearfully pay To the gay Lord and the bright Lady o' th' May. And when we have done , &c. A Song . 1. ON the bank of a Brook as I sa●e fishing , Hid in the Oziers that grew on the side : Iover-heard a Nymph and Shepherd wishing , No time nor fortune their Love might divide . To Cupid and Venus each offer'd a Vow , To love ever as they lov'd now . 2. O , said the Shepherd , and sigh'd , What a pleasure Is Love conceal'd betwixt Lovers alone ? Love must be secret , for like fairy treasure , When 't is discover'd 't will quickly be gone . For Envy and Iealousie , if it will stay , Would , alas soon make it decay . 3. Then let us leave this world and care behind us , Said the Nymph , smiling , and gave him her hand All alone , all alone , where none shall find us , In some fair Desart we 'l seek a new Land , And there live from Envy and Iealousie free , And a World to each other we 'll be . A Song . 1. CEllamina , of my heart None shall e'●e bereave you : If by your good leave I may Quarrel with you once a day I will never leave you . 2. Passion 's but an empty name , Where respect is wanting ; Damon , you mistake your aim , Hang your heart , and dam your slame , If you must be ranting . 3. Love as pale and muddy is , As decaying Liquor : Anger sets it on the Lees , And resines it by degrees , Till it w●rks it quicker . 4. Love by anger to beget , Wisely you endeavour , With a grave Physician wit , Who to cure an ague fit , Puts me in a Feavour . 5. Anger rowseth Love to fight , And its only bait is , 'T is the guide to dull delight , And is but an eager bite When desire at height is . 6. If such drops of heat do fall , In our wooing weather , If such drops of heat do fall , We shall have the Devil and all , When we come together . A Song at the Kings house . BEneath a Mirtle shade , Which none but Love for happy Lovers made , I slept , and streight my Love before me brought Phillis , the object of my waking thought . Undrest she came , my flames to meet , Whilst Love strew'd flowers beneath her feet : Flowers , that so prest by her , became more sweet . 2. From the bright Virgins head , A careless Veil of Lawn was loosely spread ▪ From her white Temple fell her shady hair , Like cloudy Sun-shine , not too brown nor fair , Her hands , her lips did love inspire , Her every Grace my heart did fire , But most her eyes , that languish with desire . 3. Ah charming Fair , said I , How long can you my bliss deny ? By nature and by Love this lovely shade Was for revenge of suffering Lovers made Silence and shades with Love agree . Both shelter you and favour me : You cannot blush , bec●use I cannot see . 4. No , let me die , she said , Rather than lose the spotless name of Maid . Faintly methought she spoke ; for all the while She bid me not believe her , with a smile . Then die , said I : She still denied , And yet , Thus , thus she cry'd , You use a harmless Maid , and so she died . 5. I wak'd , and straight I knew I lov'd so well , it made my dream prove true . Fancy the kinder Mistris of the two . I fancy I had done what Phillis would not do ▪ Ah cruel Nymph , cease your disdain , Whilst I can dream you scorn in vain , Asleep or waking , I must ease my pain . The disconsolate Lover . 1. AS I lay all alone on my ●ed slumbring , Thinking my restless soul to repose , All my thoughts they began then to be numbring Up her disdainings , the cause of my woes ; That so encreast my dolour and pain , I fear I never shall see her again : Which makes me sigh , and sobbing cry , O my Love , O my Love , for thee I die . 2. When this fair cruel She I first saw praying Within the Temple unto her Saint , Then mine eyes every look my heart betraying , Which is the cause of my doleful complaint , That all my joys are quite sled and gone : And I in sorrow am now lef● alone : Which makes me sigh , and sobbing cry , O my Love , O my Love , for thee I die . 3. Then farew●l ev'ry thing that sounds like pleasure , And welcome Death the cure of my sma●t . I deem'd first sight of her , I grasp'd a treasure ; But wo is me , it has broken my heart : For now my Passing-bell calls away , And I with her no longer must stay : Which makes me sigh , and sobbing cry , O my Love , O my Love , for thee I die . The subtil and coy Girl . The Tune , Silvia tell me how long it will be . 1. WHy should my Celia now be coy , In denying to yield me those Graces Which we did formerly both enjoy In our amorous mutual embraces ? She 'l not give me a reason , But shews me a frown Is enough to destroy a poor Lover . Ah Celia , once I did think thee mine own , But now I my folly discover . 2. Is it because I have been so kind At all times to feed thy desire In Presents and Treats , thou hast chang'd thy mind , And left me like Dun in the Mire ? Or else is't because thou dost Think my Estate Is too mean to uphold thee in Brav'ry ? Know Celia , 't is not so much out of date To force me endure so much slav'ry . 3. Or is 't because thou wilt follow the mode , Since most are addicted to changing , thou 'dst only get thee a name abroad , I being more famous for ranging . Nay Celia , more this truth thou woo'●●ind , I therefore advise thee be wary , When ever thou ge●st thee a Mate to thy mind , He 'l play thee the same fagary . The Drawing of Valentines The tune , Madams Iig . 1. THere was , and there was , And I ma●●y was there , A Crew on S. Valentines Eve did meet together , And every Lad had his particular Lass there , And drawing of Valentines caused their Coming thither . Then Mr. Iohn drew Mrs. Ione f●●st , Sir. And Mrs. Ione would fain a drawn Iohn an' she Durst , Sir. So Mr. William drew Mrs. Gillian the next , Sir ; And Mrs. Gillian not drawing of William , Was vex't , Sir , 2. They then did jumble all in the ha● together , And each did promise them to draw 'em fair Sir : But Mrs. Hester vow'd that she had rather Draw Mr. Kester then any that was there Sir : So Mr. Kester drew with Mrs. Hester then Sir : And Mrs. Hester drew Mr. Kester agen Sir : And Mr. Harry drew Mrs. Mary featly , And Mrs. Mary did draw Mr. Harry as neatly . 3. They all together then resolved to draw Sir , And every one desir'd to draw their Friend Sir ; But Mr. Richard did keep 'em so in aw Sir , And told 'em then they ne're should make an end Sir , So Mr. Richard drew Mrs. Bridget squarely , And Mrs. Bridget drew Mr. Richard as fairly : But Mr. Hugh drew Mrs. Su but slily , And Mrs. Su did draw Mr. Hugh as wily . 4. Thus have you heard o' th' twelve that lately drew Sir : How every one would fain their Friend have drawn And now there 's left to draw but four o'●h crew Sir , And each did promise his Lass an ell of Lawn Sir. So Mr. Watty drew Mrs. Katy but slightly , And Mrs. Katy did draw Mr. Watty as lightly : But Mr. Thomas in drawing of Annis too fast Sir. Made Mrs. Annis to draw Mr. Thomas at last Sir. 5. And there is an ●nd , and an and , and an end of my Song , Sir , Of Ionne and Iony , and William and Gillian too Sir , To Kester and Hester , and Harry and Mary belong Sir , Both Richard and Bridget , and Hugh , and honest Sue , Sir , But Watty and Katy , and Thomas and Annis here , Sir. Are the only four that now do bring up the Rear Sir : Then ev'ry one i'●h ' Tavern cry amain Sir , And staid till drawing there had fill'd their brain , Sir. A late and true story of a furious Scold , served in her kind . The tune , Step stately . 1. WAs ever man so vex'd with a Trull , As I poor Anthony since I was wed , For I never can get my belly full , But be●o●e I have supp'd , I must hasten to bed : Or else she 'l begin to scold and to brawl , And to call me Puppy and Cuckold and all Yet she with her Cromes must trole it about , Whilest I in my Kennel must snore it out . 2. I once did g● to drink with a Friend , But she in a trice did fetch me away : We both but two pence a piece did spe●d , Yet it prov'd to me Execution day ; For she flew in my face , and call'd me fool , And comb'd my head with a three-legg'd stool : Nay , she furnisht my face with so many scratches . That for a whole month 't was cover'd with patches 3. Whatever money I get in the day , To keep her in quiet I give her at night , Or else shall license her tongue to play For two or three hours just like a spright . Then to the Cupbord Pilga●lick must hie , To seek for some Crusts that have long lain dry : So I steep 'um in ●kim-milk until they are wet , And commonly this is the Supper I get . 4. And once a month , for fashion sake , She gives me leave to come to her bed ; But most that time I must lie awake , Left she in her fits should knock me o'th'hea● . But for the Bed I do lie on my self , You 'd think ' ●were as soft as an Oaken shelf ; For the Tick it is made of Hempen-hurds : And yet for all this I must give her good words . 5. We commonly both do piss in a Pan , But the Cullender once was set in the place : She then did take it up in her hand , And floune't it out on my stomach and face . I told her then she urin'd beside , But she cay'd me Rogue , and told me I lied , And swore it was not up to her thumb , Then threw she the pan in the middle of the room . 6. Then a Maid that was my Sweet heart before Did come to the house to borrow a Pail : I kist her but once , and I thought on'● no more , But she flew in her face with tooth and nail : But the Wench she stood to her , and claw'd her about , That for a whole fortnight she never stirr'd out ; For her eyes were so swell'd , and her face was so ●ore That I never saw Jade so mangled before . 7. She then did bid me drop in her eyes A Sovereign Water sent her that day , But I had a Liquor I more did prize , Made of Henbane and Mercury s●eep'd in Whey : I dropt it in and nointed her fa●e , Which br●ught her into a most Devillish case : For she ●ore and she ranted , and well she might ; For a●ter that time she 〈◊〉 had sight . 8. I then did get her a Dog and a Bell , To lead her about from place to place : And now 't is , Husband , I hope you are well ; But before it was Cucko●d and Rogue to my face ; Then blest be that Henbane and Mercury strong , That made such a change in my wives tongue . You see 't is a Medicine certain and sure , For the cure of a Scold , but I 'le say no more . A Song on the Declensions . The tune is , Shackle de hay . MY Mistris she is fully known To all the five declensions , She 'l seize 'em singly one by one , To take their true Dimensions . She ne'er declin'd yet any man , Yet they 'l decline her now and then , In spight of her Inventions . 2. First Musa is her Mothers name , And haec does still attend her : She is a hujus burley Dame , Though huic be but slender : Yet she 'l have a hanc on every man , And hac him to do what he can , Unless they do befriend her . 3. Magister was her Father too , And hic is still his man Sir , Nay si●ius is her Son also , And Dominus her Grandsire : Nay Lucus , Agnus , and that Lamb-like crew , She 'l call 'em hunc's , I and hoc●s 'em too , Do all that e'er they can Sir. 4. Next she 's to lapis very kind , As honest hic has sed Sir ; For she 's to precious stones inclin'd Full long before she was wed Sir ▪ Which made her Parents often say , That hic and haec both night and day , Was forc'd to watch her bed Sir. 5. She beat poor manus with a Cane , Though he did often hand her From Whetstones-Park to Parkers-Lane , And was her constant Pandor . Yet give him man● busses when That she could get no other men , That he could not withstand her . 6. 'Bout noon she 'd with Meridies dine , And sup , and bed him too Sir : She 'd make poor facies to her incline , In spight of all he could do Sir. She day by day would dies pledge , Which set poor acies teeth an edge , And often made him spew Sir , 7. Thus have I shew'd her Kindred here , And all her dear Relations , As Musa , Lapis , Magister , And all their antick fashions . Meridies , Manus , and Felix too Are happy that they never knew Any of all her station● . A Song of the three degrees of comparison . The tune , And 't is the Knave of Clubs ●ears all the sway . MY Mistris she loves Digni●ies , For she has taken three degrees : There 's no comparison can be made With her in all her subtile Trade . She 's positively known a Whore , And superlatively runs on score . 2. And first I Positive her call , 'Cause she 'l be absolute in all : For she 's to du●us very hard , And with sad tristis often jan'd : Which happily made Felix say ▪ Sweet dulcis carried all away . 3. Next she 's call'd Comparative , For she 'l compare to any alive , For scolding , whoring , and the rest : Of the Illiberal Sciences in her breast : She 'l drink more hard than durlor . Though he would harder drink before . 4. Then she 's call'd Superlative ; 'Cause she 'l her Pedigree derive , Not from Potens or Potentior , The Mighty , or the Mightier : But from Potentissimus , Not bonus , melior , but Optimus . 5. Thus have I shew'd my Mistress t' ye , And gradually in each degree : How shew is Positive to some , Comparative when others come , Superlative even over all , Yet underneath her self will fall . The kind Husband , but imperious Wife . The first part of the Tune his , and the latter part hers . M. 1. WIfe , prethee come give me thy hand now , And sit thee down by me : There 's never a man in the Land now Shall be more loving to thee . W. 2. I hate to sit by such a Drone , Thou li●st like a Hog in my Bed : I had better a lain alone , For I still have my Maiden-head . M. 3. Wife , what wouldst thou have me to do now , I think I have plaid the man : But if I were ruled by you now , You 'd have me do more than I can . W. 4. I make you do more than you can ? You lie like a Fool God wot : When I thought to have found thee a man. I found thee a fumbling Sot. M. 5. Wife , prethee now leave off thy ranting , And let us both agree ; There 's nothing else shall be wanting , If thou wilt be ruled by me . W. 6. I will have a Coach and a man : And a Saddle Horse to ride ; I also will have a Sedan , And a Footman to run by my side . M. 7. Thou shalt have all this , my dear wife , And thou shalt bear the sway , And I 'l provide thee good chear , wife , 'Gainst thou com'st from the Park or a Play : W. 8. I 'll have every month a new Gown , And a Peticoat dy'd in grain , Of the modishest Silk in the Town , And a Page to hold up my Train . M. 9. Thou shalt have this too , my sweet wife , If thou'dst contented be , Or any thing else that is meet wife , So that we may but agree . W. 10. I will have a Gallant or two , And they shall be handsom men : And I 'll make you to know your Cue , When they come in and go out agen . M. 11. Methinks a couple's to few , wife , Thou shalt have three or four , And yet I know thou'dst be true , wife , Although thou hadst half a score . W. 12. I will have as many as I please , In spite of your teeth , you fool , And when I 've the Pocky Disease , 'T is thou shalt empty my stool . M. 13. Why how now you brazen-fac'd Harlot , I 'l make you to change your note , And if ever I find you snarl at My actions , I 'l bang your Coat . 14. Nay , I 'l make you to wait , you Flaps , At Table till I have din'd , And I 'll leave you nothing but scraps , Until I do find you more kind . W. 15. Sweet Husband , I now cry Peccavi , You know we women are frail ; And for the ill words that I gave ye , Ask pardon , and hope to prevail . For now I will lie at your foot . Desiring to kiss your hand : Nay , cast off my Gallants to boot , And still be at your commnad . A Song at the Dukes House . 1. MAke ready , fair Lady , to night , And stand at the door below : For I will be there to receive you with care , And to your true love you shall go . 2. And when the Stars twinkle so bright , Then down to the door will I creep , To my Love will I fly , ere the Jealous can spy , And leave my old Daddy asleep . A Song at the Kings House . 1. TO little or no purpose have I spent all my days In ranging the Park th' Exchange , & the Plays , Yet ne'r in my Ramble till now did I prove So happy , to meet with the man I could love . But O how I 'm pleas'd when I think of the man That I find I must love , let me do what I can ! 2. How long I shall love him , I can no more tell , Than had I a Feaver , when I should be well : My Passion shall kill me before I will show it , And yet I would give all the world he did know it , But , O how I sigh , when I think , should ●e woo me , That I cannot deny what I know will undo me ! A Song , The Tune , Robin Rowser . MY Name is honest Harry , And I love little Mary : In spight of Cis , or jealous Bess , I 'll have my own vagary . 2. My Love is blithe and bucksome , And sweet and fine as can be : Fresh and gay as the flowers in May , And looks like Iackadandy . 3. And if she will not have me , That am so true a Lover , I 'l drink my Wine , and ne'r repine , And down the stairs I 'l shove her . 4. But if that she will love , I 'l be as kind as may be ; I 'l give her Rings and pretty things , And deck her like a Lady . 5. Her Peticoat of Satin , Her Gown of Crimson Taby , Lac'd up before and spangled o're , Just like a Bartlemew Baby . 6. Her Wastcoat is of Scarlet , With Ribbons tied together , Her Stockins of a bow-dy'd hue , And her Shoes of Spanish Leather . 7. Her Smock o' th' ●inest Holland , And lac'd in every quarter : Side and wide , and long enough , And hangs below her garter . 8. Then to the Church I 'l have her , Where we will wed together : So come home when we have done , In spight of wind and weather : 9. The Fidlers shall attend us , And first play , Iohn come kiss me ; And when that we have danc'd a round , They shall play , Hit or miss me . 10. Then hey for little Mary , 'T is she I love alone Sir : Let any man do what he can , I will have her or none Sir. These following are to be understood two ways . I Saw a Peacock , with a fiery tail I saw a blazing Comet , drop down hail I saw a Cloud , with Ivy circled round I saw a sturdy Oak , creep on the ground I saw a Pismire , swallow up a Whale I saw a raging Sea , brim full of Ale I saw a Venice Glass , sixteen foot deep I saw a Well , full of mens tears that weep I saw their Eyes , all in a flame of fire I saw a House , as big as the Moon and higher I saw the Sun , even in the midst of night I saw the Man that saw this wondrous sight . On the Sea-sight with the Hollanders in the R●mps time . MY wishes greet the Navy of the Dutch , The English Fleet I all good fortune grutch , May no storm toss Van Trump and his Sea-Forces , The Harp and Cross shall have my daily curses , Smile gentle Fates on the Dutch Admiral , Upon our States the Plagues of Egypt fall ; Attend all health the Cavaliering part , This Commonwealth I value not a fart . Thus I my wishes and my prayers divide Between the Rebels and the Regicide : Backwards and forwards thus I break my mind , And hope the Fates at last will be so kind , That the old Proverb may but wheel about , True men might have their own , now Knaves fall out . The Answer to Ask me no more whither doth stray . 1. I 'LL tell you true whither doth stray The darkness which succeeds the day ; For Heavens vengeance did allow It still should frown upon your Brow. 2. I 'l tell you true where may be found A voice that 's like the Screech-Owls found : For in your false deriding throat It lies , and death is in its note . 3. I 'l tell you true whither doth pass The smiling look seen in the glass , For in your face't reflects and there False as your shadow doth appear . 4. I 'l tell you true whither are blown The angry wheels of Thistle-down : It flies into your mind , whose care Is to be light as Thistles are . 5. I 'l tell you true within what Nest The Cuckow lays her eggs to rest ; It is your Bosom , which can keep Nor him nor them : Farewel , I 'l sleep . A Dialogue between William and Harry Riding on the Way . H. 1. NOble , lovely , virtuous Creature , Purposely so fram'd by nature , To inthral your servants wits . W. 2. Time must now unite our hearts , Not for any my deserts , But because methinks it fits . H. 3. Dearest treasure of my thought , And yet wert thou to be bought , With my life , tho● wert not dear . W. 4. Secret comfort of my mind , Doubt no longer to be kind , But be so , and so appear . H. 5. Give me love for love again , Let our loves be clear and plain , Heaven is fairest , when it is clearest . W. 6. Lest in clouds and in deserring , We resemble Seamen erring , Farthest off when we are nearest . H. 7. Thus with numbers interchanged , William's Muse and mine have ranged , Verse and Journy both are spent . W. 8. And if Harry chance to say , That we well have spent the day , I for my part am content . A Gentleman on his beautiful Mistress . 1. YOu meaner Beauties of the night , That poorly satisfie our eyes More by your number than your light , You common people of the skies , What are you when the Sun shall rise ? 2. You curious Chanters of the Wood , That warble forth Dame Natures Lays , Thinking your voices understood By their weak accents , What 's your praise When Philomel her voice shall raise ? 3. You Violets that first appear , By your purple Mantles known , Like the proud Virgins of the year , As if the Spring were all your own , What are you when the Rose is blown ? 4. So when my Mistris shall be seen In form and beauty of her mind , She cannot less be than a Queen ; And I believe she was design'd T' eclipse the Glory of her kind . A Description of the Spring . ANd now all Nature seem'd in love , The lusty Sun began to move : Now Juyce did stir th' embracing Vines , And Birds had drawn their Valentines ; The jealous Trout that low did lie , Rose at a well-dissembled Flie ; Then stood my Friend with Patient skill , Attending of his trembling Quill . Already were the Eaves possest With the swift Pilgrims dawbed Nest ; The Groves already did rejoyce , In Philomel's triumphing voice ; The Showrs were short , the Weather mild , The Morning fresh , the Evening smil'd : Ione takes her neat rub'd Pail , and now She trips to meet the Sand-red Cow , Where for some sturdy Foot-ball Swain Ione stroaks a Syllabub or twain : The Fields and Gardens were beset VVith Tulip , Crocus , Violet : And now , though late , the modest Rose Did more than half a blush disclose : Thus all lookt gay , all full of chear , To welcom this new liv'ried Year . On a Shepherd losing his Mistris . Tune , Amongst the Myrtles as I walk'd . 1. STay Shepherd , prethee Shepherd stay : Didst thou not see her run this way ? Where may she be , canst thou not guess ? Alas ! I 've lost my Shepherdess . 2. I fear some Satyr has betray'd My pretty Lamb unto the shade : Then wo is me , for I 'm undone , For in the shade she was my Sun. 3. In Summer heat were she not seen , No solitary Vale was green : The blooming Hills , the downy Meads , Bear not a Flower but where she treads . 4. Hush'd were the senseless Trees when she Sate but to keep them company : The silver streams were swell'd with pride , When she sate singing by their side . 5. The Pink , the Cowslip , and the Rose Strive to salute her where she goes ; And then contend to kiss her Shoo , The Pancy and the Daizy too . 6. But now I wander on the Plains , Forsake my home , and Fellow-Swains , And must for want of her , I see , Resolve to die in misery . 7. For when I think to find my Love Within the bosom of a Grove , Methinks the Grove bids me forbear , And sighing says , She is not here . 8. Next do I fly unto the Woods , Where Flora pranks her self with Buds , Thinking to find her there : But lo ! The Myrtles and the Shrubs say , No. 9. Then what shall I unhappy do , Or whom shall I complain unto ? No , no , here I 'm resolv'd to die , Welcome sweet Death and Destiny . The Soldiers Resolution . HEre stands the man that for his Countreys good Has with couragious Arms in sweat and blood Ran through an Host of Pikes : He , he I was Out-dar'd the Thunder of the roaring Brass , Kickt my black Stars , spurn'd Balls of fire with sco● Like to a Foot-ball in a frosty morn ; Made Death to tremble , and have bid my Drum Beat a Defiance to the Cowardly scum . And shall I now like a Pedantick stand , Scraping and crouching with my Cap in hand To base-born Peasants ? No , he 's but a Worm That strikes his Top-sail to a little Storm . Here then I 'l fix , that nothing shall controul The Resolutions of a Gallant Soul. On the Golden Cross in Cheapside . TWo Fellows gazing at the Cross in Cheap , Says one , Methinks it is the rarest heap Of Stone that e're was built ; it ought , I see , One of the Wonders of the World to be , No , says the other , and began to swear , The Crosses of the World no Wonders are . On a Pretender to Gentility , suspected to be a Highway-man . A Great Pretender to Gentility , Came to a Herald for his Pedigree : Beginning there to swagger , roar , and swear , Requir'd to know what Arms he was to beat : The Herald knowing what he was , begun To rumble o'r his Heraldry ; which done , Told him he was a Gentleman of note , And that he had a very glorious Coat . Prethee , what is 't ? quoth he , and here 's your fees . Sir , says the Herald , 't is two Rampant Trees , One Couchant ; add to give it further scope , A Ladder Passant , and a Pendant Rope : And for a grace unto your Blue-coat Sleeves , There is a Bird i' th' Crest that strangles Thieves . A Song . 1. A Blith and bonny Country Lass Sate sighing on the tender Grass , And weeping said , will none come woo her ? A dapper Boy , a lither Swain , That had a mind her love to gain , VVith smiling looks straight came unto her . 2. When as the wanton Girl espied The means to make her self a Bride , She simper'd much like bonny Nell . The Swa●n that saw her very kind , H●s Arms about her body twin'd , And said , Fair Lass , how fare ye , well ? 3. The Country Lass said , Well forsooth , But that I have a longing tooth , A longing tooth , that makes me cry . Alas , says he , what ga●s thy grief ? A wound , says she , without relief , I fear that I a Maid shall die . 4. If that be all , the Shepherd said , I 'l make thee Wive it , gentle Maid , And so ●ecure thy Malady : On which they kist , with many an O●th , And ' sore God Pan did plight their Troth ; So to the Church away they hie . 5. And Iove send every pretty Peat , That fears to die of this conceit , So kind a Friend to help at last : Then Maids shall never long again , When they find ease for such a pain : And thus my Roundelay is past . A Song on Love. 1. IF Love be Life , I long to die ; Live they that list for me , And he that gains the most thereby . A fool at least shall be . But he that feels the forest fits , Scapes with no less than loss of wits . Unhappy life they gain , which Love do entertain . 2. In day by feigned Looks they live , By lying Dreams in night : Each ●rown a deadly wound doth give , Each smile a false delight . If 't hap their Lady pleasant seem , It is for others love they deem : If void she seem of joy , disdain doth make her coy . 4. Such is the peace that Lovers find , Such is the Life they lead , Blown here and there with every wind , Like Flowers in the Mead. Now war , now peace , then war again , Desire , despair , delight , disdain , Though dead , in midst of life ; in peace , and yet at strife . A Song . I Serve Amynta whiter than the snow , Streighter than Cedar , brighter than the Glass , More sine in trip than foot of running Roe , More pleasant than the Field of flow'ring Grass ; More gladsom to my with'ring joys that fade , Than Winters Sun , or Summers cooling Shade . 2. Sweeter than swelling Grape of ripest Vine , Softer than feathers of the fairest swan , Smoother than Jet , more stately than the Pine , Fresher than Poplar , smaller than my span , Clear●r than Phoebus fiery pointed Beam , Or Icy Crust of Crystals frozen streams . 3. Yet is she curster than the Bear by kind , And harder-hearted than the aged Oak : More glib than Oyl , more sickle than the Wind , More stiff than steel , no sooner bent but broke . Lo thus my service is a lasting sore ; Yet will I serve , although I die therefore . The Description of Love , in a Dialogue between two Shepherds , Will and Tom. Tom. 1. SHepherd , what 's Love , I prethee tell ? Will. It is that fountain and that Well Where Pleasure and Repeutance dwell : It is perhaps that fauncing Bell That toles All-in to Heaven or Hell , And this is Love , as I heard tell . T. 2. Yet what is Love , I prethee say ? W. It is a work on Holy-day : It is December match'd with May , When lusty Bloods in fresh array , Hearten months after of their play ; And this is Love , as I hear say . T. 3. Yet what is Love , I pray be plain ? W. It is a Sun-shine mixt with Rain ; It is a Tooth-ach , or worse pain ; It is a Game , where none doth gain , It is a thing turmoils the brain : And this is Love , as I hear sayen . T. 4. Yet Shepherd , what is Love , I pray ? W. It is a yea , it is a nay , A pretty kind of sporting fray ; It is a thing will soon away , For 't will not long with any stay : And this is Love , as I hear say . T. 5. Yet what is Love , good Shepherd show ? W. A thing that creeps , it cannot go ; A prize that passeth to and fro , A thing for one , a thing for moe , And he that loves shall find it so : And Shepherd , this is Love , I trow . A Song call'd Loves Lottery . At the Dukes House . RUn to Loves Lottery , run Maids , and rejoice , Whilst seeking your chance , you meet you own Choice , And boast that your luck you helpt with design , By praying cross-legg'd to S. Valentine . Hark , hark , a Prize is drawn , and Trumpets sound Tanta , ra , ra , Tanta , ra , ra , Tanta , ra , ra . Hark Maids , more Lots are drawn , Prizes abound ; Dub a dub , the Drum now beats , And dub , a dub , a dub , Echo repeats , As if the God of War had made Loves Queen a Skirmish for a Serenade . Haste , haste , fair Maids , and come away , The Priest attends , the Bridegrooms stay : Roses and Pinks will we strow where you go , Whilst I walk in Shades of Willow . When I am dead , let him that did slay me Be but so kind , so gentle to lay me There where neglected Lovers mourn , Where Lamps and hallowed Tapers burn , Where Clerks in Quires sad Dirges sing , Where sweetly Bells at Burials ring . On a Gentleman . Tune , My Freedom , which is all my Ioy. 2. POor Clori● wept , and from her eyes The liquid tears came trickling down ; Such wealthy drops may well suffice , To be the ransom of a Crown : And as she wept , she sigh'd , and said , Alas for me unhappy Maid , That by my folly , my folly am betray'd . 2. When first these eyes , unhappy eyes , Met with the Author of my wo , Methoughts our Souls did sympathize , And it was death to say him no. He su'd , I granted ; O then befel My shame , which I 'me afraid to tell ! Ay me that I had never lov'd so well . 3. O had I been so wise as not T' have yielded up my Virgin-Fort , My life had been without a blot , And dar'd the envy of Report ; But now my guilt hath made me be A scorn for time to point at me , As at the But and Mark of Misery . 4. Here now in sorrow do I sit , And pensive thoughts possess my breast ! My silly heart with cares is split , And grief denies me wonted rest : Come then black night and screen me round , That I may never more be found , Vnless in tears , in tears of sorrow drown'd . On Men escap'd drowning in a Tempest . 1. ROcks , Shelves , and Sands , and all farewel : Fie , who would dwell in such a Hell As is a Ship ; which drunk doth reel , Taking salt Healths from Deck to Keel . 2. Up we are swallowed in wet graves , All sous'd in Waves , by Neptune's Slaves : What shall we do , being tost to Shore , Milk some blind Tavern , and there roar ? 3. 'T is brave , my Boys , to sail on Land ; For being well mann'd , we can cry , Stand : The Trade of pursing ne're shall fail , Until the Hangman crys , Strike Sail. On a great Heat in Egypt . I Formerly in Countreys oft have been Under the AEquinoctial , where I 've seen The Sun disperse such a prodigious Heat , That made our Sieve-like Skins to rain with Sweat : Men would have given for an Eclipse their lives . Or one whisper of Air : yet each man strives To throw up grass , feathers , nay , women ●oo , To find the Wind : all falls like Lead , none blew . The Dog-star spits new fires , till 't come to pass , Each man became his neighbours Burning glass : Lean men did turn to ashes presently , Fat men did roast to lean anatomy : Young womens hea● did get themselves with child For none but they themselves , themselves defil'd . Old women naturally to Witches turn'd , And only rubbing one another , burn'd : The Beasts were bak'd , skin turn'd to crust they say , And fishes in the River boil'd away : Birds in the air were roasted , and not burn'd ; For as they fell down , all the way they turn'd . On a mighty Rain . HEaven did not weep , but in its swelling eye Whole seas of Rheum and moist Catarhs did lie , Which so bespawl'd the lower world , men see Corn blasted , and the fruit of every Tree : Air was condens'd to water , 'gainst their wish , And all their Fowl were turn'd to flying Fish : Like Watermen they throng'd to ply a Fare , And thought it had been navigable air : Beasts lost their natural motion of each limb ; Forgot to go , with practising to swim . A Trout now here , you would not think how soon Ta'ne ready drest forth ' Empress of the Moon : The fixed Stars , though to our eyes were missing , We knew yet were , by their continual hissing . Women seem'd Maremaids , sailing with the wind , The greatest miracle was Fish behind : But men are all kept short against their wish , And could commit but the cold sin of Fish. The blunt Lover . MAdam , I cannot court your sprightly eyes With a Base-Viol plac'd betwixt my thighs : I cannot lisp , nor to the Guittar sing , And tire my brains with simple Sonnetting , I am not fashion'd for these amorous times , And cannot court you in lascivious Rhimes : Nor can I whine in puling Elegies , And at your feet lie begging from your eyes A gracious look : I cannot dance nor caper , Nor dally , swear , protest , lie , rant , and vaper , I cannot kiss your hand , play with your hair , And tell you that you only are most fair : I cannot cross my arms , nor cry , Ay me Poor forlorn man ! All this is foppery . Nor can I Masquerade , as th' fashion 's now , No , no , My heart to these can never bow : But what I can do , I shall tell you roundly , Hark in your ear ; By Iove I 'le kiss you soundly . On a Watch lost in a Tavern . A Watch lost in a Tavern ! That 's a Crime ; Then see how men by drinking lose their time . The Watch kept Time ; and if Time will away , I see no reason why the Watch should stay . You say the Key hung out , and you forgot to lock it , Time will not be kept pris'ner in a Pocket . Henceforth if you will keep your Watch , this do , Pocket your Watch , and watch your Pocket too . A Song , with the Latine to it . WHen as the Nightingale chanted her Vesper , And the wild Forresters couch'd on the ground , Venus invited me in the Evenings whisper Unto a fragrant Field with Roses crown'd , Where she before had sent her wishes complement , Which to her hearts content plaid with me on the Green : Never Mark Anthony dallied more wantonly With the fair Egyptian Queen . The Latin. CAntu Luscinia somnum ●rritat , Salvi vagi sunt in Cubilibus : Hoc me silentio Venus invitat , Ad viridarium fragrantius ; Vbi promiserat , qui mentem flexerat Gaudia temperat sic mihi solida . O non dux Amasius lusit beatius Cum Regina Nilotica . De Vino & Venere . DOte neither on Women , nor on Wine , For to thy hurt they both alike incline : Venus thy strength , and Bacchus with his sweet And pleasant Grape debilitates the feet . Blind Love will blab what he in secret did , In giddy Wine there 's nothing can be hid . Seditious wars oft Cupid hath begun , Raechus to arms makes men in fury run : Venus ( unjust ) by horrid war lost Troy ; Bacchus by war the Lapiths did destroy . When thou with both or either are possest , Shame , honesty , and fear oft flies thy brest : In fetters Venus keep , in gyves Bacchus tye , Lest by their free gifts they thee damnifie . Use Wine for thirst , Venus for lawful Seed ; To pass these limits , may thy danger breed . On Wine . HE that with Wine , Wine thinks t' expel , One ill would with another quell : A Trumpet , with a Trumpet drown : Or with the Cryer of the Town Still a loud man : Noise deaf with noise , Or to convert a Bawd , make choice Of a Pander : Pride with pride shame thus , Or put a Cook down by Calistratus ; Discord by discord think to case , Or any man with scoffs appease : So War by Battel to restrain , And labour mitigate by pain : Command a sudden peace between Two shrill Scolds in the height of spleen : By Drink to queneh Drink is all one , As is by strife , strife to attone . A Song called Hide-Park . The tune , Honour invites you to delights , Come to the Court , and be all made Knights . 1. COme all you noble , you that are neat ones , Hide-Park is now both fresh and green : Come all you Gallants that are great ones , And are desirous to be seen : Would you a Wife or Mistriss rare , Here are the best of England fair : Here you may chuse , also refuse , As you your judgments ple●se to use . 2. Come all you Courtiers in your neat fashions , Rich in your new unpaid-for silk : Come you brave Wenches , and court your stations , Here in the bushes the Maids do milk : Come then and revel , the Spring invites Beauty and youth for your delights , All that are fair , all that are rare , You shall have license to compare . 3. Here the great Ladies all of the Land are , Drawn with six Horses at the least : Here are all that of the Strand are , And to be seen now at the best . Westminster-Hall , who is of the Court , Unto his place doth now all resort : Both high and low here you may know , And all do come themselves to shew . 4. The Merchants wives that keep their Coaches , Here in the Park do take the air ; They go abroad to avoid reproaches , And hold themselves as Ladies fair : For whilst their Husbands gone are to trade Unto their ships by Sea or Land : Who will not say , why may not they Trade , like their own Husbands , in their own way . 5. Here from the Countrey come the Girls flying For husbands , though of parts little worth : They at th' Exchange have been buying The last new fashion that came forth : And are desirous to have it seen , As if before it ne're had been : So you may see all that may be Had in the Town or Countrey . 6. Here come the Girls of the rich City . Aldermens daughters fair and proud , Their Jealous Mothers come t' invite ye , For fear they should be losti'th ' croud : Who for their breeding are taught to dance , Their birth and fortune to advance : And they will be as frolick and free , As you your self expect to see . To his coy Mistris . 1. COy one , I say , Be gone , My love-days now are done : Were thy Brow like Iv'ry free , Yet 't is more black than Jet to me . 2. Might thy hairy Tress compare With Daphne's sporting with the air , As it is worse fetter'd far Than th' knotty tuffs of Mandrakes are . 3. Were there in thy squint eyes found True native sparks of Diamond ; As they are duller sure I am , Than th' Eye-Lamps of a dying man , 4. Were thy breath a Civet scent , Or some purer Element ; As there 's none profess thee love , Can touch thy lips without a Glove . 5. Were thy Nose of such a shape , As Nature could no better make ; As it is so skrewed in , It claims acquaintance with thy Chin. 6. Were thy Breasts two rising Mounts , Those Ruby Nipples milky Founts , As these two so fairly move , They 'd make a Lover freeze for love . 7. Could thy pulse affection beat , Thy Palm a balmy moisture sweat ; As their active vigor's gone , Dry and cold as any stone . 8. Were thy arms , legs , feet , and all , That we with modesty can call ; Nay , were they all of such a grace , As 't might be stil'd , Love amorous place . 9. As all these yield such weak delight , They 'd fright a Bridegroom the first night : And hold it a curse for to be sped Of such a fury in his bed . 10. Could thine high improved state , Vye with the greatest Potentate : As in all their store I find Mole-hills to a noble mind . 11. Wert thou as rich in Beauties form , As thou are held in Natures scorn : I vow these should be none of mine , Because they are entitled thine . A Dialogue concerning Hair , between A Man and a Woman . M. 1. ASk me no more why I do wear My Hair so far below my ear : For the first Man that e're was made Did never know the Barbers Trade , W. 2. Ask me no more where all the day The foolish Owl doth make her stay : 'T is in your Locks ; for tak'● from me , She thinks your hair an Ivy-tree . M. 3. Tell me no more that length of hair Can make the visage seem less fair ; For howsoe'r my hair doth sit , I 'm sure that yours comes short of it . W. 4. Tell me no more men were long hair To chase away the colder air ; For by experience we may see Long hair will but a back friend be . M. 5. Tell me no more that long hair can Argue deboistness in a man ; For 't is Religious being inclin'd , To save the Temples from the wind . W. 6. Ask me no more why Roarers wear Their hair ex●ant below their ear ; For having morgag'd all their Land , They 'd fain oblige the appearing Band. M. 7. Ask me no more why hair may be The expression of Gentility : 'T is that which being largely grown , Derives its Gentry from the Crown . W. 8. Ask me no more why grass being grown , With greedy Sickle is cut down , Till short and sweet : So ends my Song , Lest that long hair should grow too long . A Song . 1. THat Beauty I ador'd before , I now as much despise : 'T is Money only makes the Whore : She that for love with her Crony lies , ●ichaste : But that 's the Whore that kisses for pr●●● . 2. Let Iove with Gold his Danae woo , It shall be no rule for me : Nay , ' ● may be I may do so too , When I 'me as old as he . Till then I 'le never bire the thing that 's free●punc ; 3. If Coin must your Affection Imp , Pray get some other Friend : My Pocket ne're shall be my Pimp , I never that intend , Yet can be noble too , if I see they mend . 4. Since Loving was a Liberal Art , How canst thou trade for gain ? The pleasure is on your part , 'T is we Men take the pain : And being so , must Women have the gain ? 5. No , no , I 'le never farm your Bed , Nor your Smock-Tenant be : I hate to rent your white and red , You shall not let your Love to me : I court a Mistris , not a Landlady . 6. A Pox take him that first set up , Th' Excise of Flesh and Skin : And since it will no better be , Let 's both to kiss begin ; To kiss freely ; if not , you may go spin . The Careless Swain . 1. IS she gone ? let her go ; faith Boys , I care not , I 'l not sue after her , I dare not , I dare not . Though she 'as more Land than I by many an Acre , I have plow'd in her ground , who will may take her . 2. She is a witty one , and she is fair too ; She must have all the Land that she is Heir too : But as for Free Land she has not any , For hers is Lammas ground , common to many . 3. Were it in Several , ' ●were a great favour , It might be an inriching to him that shall have her : But hers is common ground , and without bounding , You may graze in her ground , and fear no pounding . A Catch for three Voices . JAck , Will and Tom are ye come , I think there is mirth in your faces : How glad I 'm to see such Lads all agree In tunes and time , and graces . A Song . 1. CHloris , when I to thee present The cause of all my discontent ; And shew that all the wealth that can Flow from this little world of man , Is nought but Constancy and Love , Why will you other objects prove ? 2. O do not cozen your desires With common and mechanick fires : That picture which you see in gold , In every Shop is to be sold , And Diamonds of richest prize Men only value with their eyes . 3. But look upon my loyal heart , That knows to value every part : And loves thy hidden virtue more Than outward shape , which fools adore : In that you 'l all the treasures find That can content a noble mind . The forsaken Maid , A Song . 1. NOr Love , nor Fate dare I accuse , For that my Love doth me refuse : But O mine own unworthiness , That durst presume so great a bliss ! Too mickle 'twere for me to love A man so like the Gods above , VVith Angels face , and Saint-like voice , 'T is too Divine for Humane choice . 2. But had I wisely given mine heart , For to have lov'd him but in part : As only to enjoy his face . Or any one peculiar Grace ; A , foot , or hand , or lip , or eye : Then had I liv'd where now I die . But I presuming all to chuse , Am now condemned all to lose . 3. You Rural Gods that guard the Swains , And punish all unjust disdains ; O do not censure him for this , It was my error , and not his . This only boon of you I 'le crave , To fix these Lines upon my Grave : Like Icarus , I soar'd too high , For which offence I pine , I die . On a Precise Taylor . A Taylor , but a man of upright dealing , True , but for lying ; honest , but for stealing ; Did fall one day extremely sick by chance , And on a sudden fell in a wondrous Trance : The Friends of Hell must'ring in fearful manner , Of sundry colour'd Silks display'd a Banner Which he had stoln ; and wish'd , as they did tell , That he might one day find it all in Hell. The man affrighted at this Apparition , Upon Recovery grew a great Precisian ; He bought a Bible of the new Translation , And in his Life he shew'd great Reformation : He walk'd demurely , and he talked meekly , He heard two Lectures , and two Sermons weekly : He vow'd to shun all Company unruly , And in his speech he us'd no Oath but Truly : And zealously to help the Sabbaths Rest , The Meat for that day on the Eve was drest : And lest the custom that he had to steal , Might cause him sometimes to forget his zeal , He gives his Journey-man a special charge , That if the Stuff allow'd fell out to large , And that to filch his fingers were inclin'd , He then should put the Banner in his mind . This done , I scarce can tell the rest for laughter , A Captain of a Ship came three days after , And bought three yards of Velvet & three quarters , To make his Vest so large to hang below his garters , He that precisely knew what was enough , Soon slip● away a quarter of the Stust : His man espying it , said in derision , Remember , Master , how you saw the Vision . Peace , Fool , quoth he , I did not see one rag Of such like colour'd Stuff within the Flag . The Scotch Girls Complaint for an Englishmans going away , when my Lord Monk came for England . 1. ILl tide this cruel Peace that hath gain'd a War on me , I never fancied Laddy till I saw mine Enemy : O methoughts he was the bl●●hest one That e're I set mine eyes upon : VVell might have fool'd a wiser one , As he did me : He look'd so pretty , and talk'd so witty , None could deny , But needs must yield the Fort up , Gude faith , and so did I. 2. Tantara went the Trumpets , and strait we were in Arms , VVe dreaded no Invasions , Embrances were our Charms . As we close to one another sit , Did according to our Mothers wit , But hardly now can smother it , It will be known , Alack and welly , sick back and belly , Never was Maid , A Soldier is a coming , though young , Makes me afraid . 3. To England bear this Sonnet , direct it unto none , But to the brave Monk-Heroes , both sigh and singing moan : Some there are perhaps will take my part , At his bosom Cupid shake his dart , That from me he ne'r may part , That is mine own : O maist thou never wear Bow and Quiver , Till I may see Once more the happy feature Of my lov'd Enemy . On Fairford curious Church-Windows , which scap'd the War and the Puritan . TEll me , you Anti-Saints , why Glass To you is longer liv'd than Bras● ; And why the Saints have scap'd their falls Better on VVindows than on VValls ? Is it because the Brothers fires Maintain a Glass-house at Blackfriers ? Next , why the Church stands North and South , And East and VVest the Preachers mouth ? Or is 't because such painted ware Resembles something what you are ? So pied , so seeming , so unsound In Doctrine and in Manners found , That out of Emblematick wit You spare your selves in sparing it ? If it be so , then Fairford boast , Thy Church hath kept what all hath lost : It is preserved from the bane Of either VVar or Puritan ; Whose Life is coloured in thy Paint , The inside Dross , but outside Saint . The Soldiers praise of a Lowse . 1. WIll you please to hear a new Ditty , In praise of a six footed Creature : She lives both in Countrey and City , She 's woundrous loving by nature . 2. She 'l proffer her service to any , She 'l stick close but she will prevail : She is entertained by many , Till death no Master she 'l fail . 3. Your rich men she cannot endure , Nor can she your shifter abide : But still she sticks close to the poor , Though often they claw her hide . 4. The non-suited man she 'l woo him , Or any good fellows that lack : She will be as nigh a friend to him As the shirt that sticks to his back . 5. Your neat Landress she perfectly hates , And those that do set her awork : And still in foul Linen delights , That she in the seams on 't may lurk . 6. Corruption she draws like a Horse-leech , Being big , she grows a great breeder : At night she goes home to her Cottage , And in the day is a devillish feeder . 7. To Commanders and Soldiers in purging I 'm sure her Receipts are good : For she saves them the charge of a Surgeon In sucking and letting of blood . 8. She 'l venture in a Battel as far As any Commander that goes : She 'l play Iack a both sides in war , And cares not a pin for her foes . 9. She 's always shot-free in fight , To kill her no Sword will prevail : And if took Prisoner by flight , She 's crush'd to death with a Nail . 10. From her and her breed Iove defend us For her company we have had store : Let her go to the Court and the Gentry , And trouble poor Soldiers no more . A Song . S M●thought the other night I saw a pretty sight That mov'd me much : A fair and comely Maid Not squeamish nor afraid To let me touch . Our lips most sweetly kissing Each other never missing : Her smiling look did shew content , That she did nought but what she meant . 2. And as our lips did move , The Echo still was Love , Love , love me sweet . Then with a Maiden blush , Instead of crying Push , Our lips did meet : With Musick sweet by sounding , And Pleasures all abounding , We kept the Burden of the Song , Which was , That Love should take no wrong . A Song . 1. O My dearest , I shall grieve thee When I swear , yet Sweet believe me . By thine eye , that Crystal Book In which all crabbed old men look , I swear to thee , though none abhor them , Yet I do not love thee for them . 2. I do not love thee for that fair Rich Fan of thy most curious Hair : Though the wires thereof are drawn Finer than the threds of Lawn , And are softer than the sleeves Which the subtil Spinner weaves . 3. I do not love thee for those flowers Growing on thy Cheeks , Loves Bowers ; Though such cunning them hath spread , None can part their white and red : Loves golden Arrows there are shot , Yet for them I love thee not . 4. I do not love thee for those sof● Red Coral Lips I 've kist so oft , Nor teeth of Pearl , though double rear'd To speech , where Musick still is heard , Though from thence a kiss being taken , Would Tyrants melt , and death awaken . 5. I do not love thee , O my Fairest , For that richest , for that rarest Silver Pillar which stands under Thy lovely Head , that Glass of wonder : Though thy Neck be whiter far Than Towers of polish'd Ivory are . 6. Nor do I love thee for those Mountains Hid with Snow , whence Nectar Fountains Sug'red sweet , and Syrup-berry , Must one day run through Pipes of Cherry : O how much those Breasts do move me● Yet for these I do not love thee . 7. I do not love thee for thy Palm , Though the dew thereof be Balm : Nor thy curious Leg and Foot , Although it be a precious Root Whereon this stately Cedar grows : Sweet I love thee not for those . 8. Nor for thy wit so pure and quick , Whose substance no Arithmetick Can number down : Nor for the charms Thou mak'st with embracing arms ; Though in them one night to lie , Dearest I would gladly die . 9. I love the not for eyes nor hair , Nor lips , nor teeth that are so rare ; Nor for thy neck , nor for thy breasts , Nor for thy belly , nor the rest : Nor for thy hand , nor foot , nor small , But would'st thou know , dear sweet , for all . An old Song on the Spanish Armado . 2. SOme years of late in eighty eight , As I do well remember , It was some say , nineteenth of May , And some say in September , And some say in September . The Spanish train , lanch'd forth amain , With many a fine bravado Their ( as they thought ) but it prov'd not , Invincible Armado , Invincible Armado . 3. There was a little man that dwelt in Spain , Who shot well in a Gun a , Don Pedro hight , as black a wight As the Knight of the Sun a , As the Knight of the Sun a. 4. King Philip made him Admiral , And bid him not to stay a But to destroy , both man and boy , And so to come away a , And so to come away a. 5. Their Navy was well victualled With Bisket , Pease , and Bacon , They brought two Ships , well fraught with Whips , But I think they were mistaken . But I think they were mistaken . 6. There men were young , Munition strong , And to do us more harm a , They thought it meet to joyn their Fleet , All with the Prince of Parma . All with the Prince of Parma . 7. They coasted round about our Land , And so came in by Dover : But we had men set on'um then , And threw the Rascals over , And threw the Rascals over . 8. The Queen was then at Tilbury , What could me more desire a , And Sir Francis Drake for her sweet sake , Did set them all on fire a , Did set them all on fire a. 9. Then strait they fled by Sea and Land , That one man kill'd threescore a ; And had nor they all ran away , In truth he had kill'd more a , In truth he had kill'd more a. 10. Then let them neither brag nor boast , But if they come agen a , Let them take heed , they do not speed , As they did you know when a , As they did you know when a. The Loyal Prisoner . 1. BEat on proud Billows , Boreas blow , Swell curled waves high as Ioves roof : Your incivility shall show , That innocence is Tempest proof : Though furious Nero's frown , my thoughts are calm , Then strike affliction , for your wounds are balm . 2. That which the world miscalls a Jail , A private Closet is to me , Whilst a good Conscience is my bail , And innocence my liberty : Locks , Bars , and Solitude together met . Makes me no Pris'ner , but an Anchoret . 3. And whilst I wish to be retir'd Into this private room was turn'd ; As if their wisdoms had conspir'd The Sallam under should be burn'd : Or like those Sophies , which would drown a fish , I am condemn'd to suffer what I wish . 4. The Cynick hugs his poverty , The Pellican her Wilderness : And ' 〈◊〉 the Indians pride to be Naked on frozen Caucasus . Contentment cannot smart , Stoicks we see , Make torments easie to their Apathie . 5. I 'm in this Cabinet lock'd up , Like some high prized Margerite : Or like some great Mogul or Pope , Am cloister'd up from publick , sight : Retiredness is a piece of Majesty ; And thus proud Sultan , I 'm as great as thee . 6. These Manicles about my arms , I as my Mistris Favours wear : And for to keep my ankles warm , I have some iron Shackles there : These walls are but my Garrison , my Cell , What men call Iail , doth prove my Cittadel . 7. So he that stroke at Iasons life , Thinking to have made his purpose sure , With a malicious friendly knife , Was only wounded to a cure . Malice , I see , wants wit ; for what is meant Mischief oft-times proves favours by th' event . 8. What though I cannot see my King , Neither in 's Person , nor his Coin : Yet Contemplation is a thing Which renders what I have not mine : My King from me what Adamants can part , Whom I do wear engraven on my heart ? 9. Have you not seen the Nightingale A pris'ner like , coop'd in a Cage ? How she doth chaunt her wonted tale , In that her narrow Hermita● ? Even then her Melody doth plain●y prove , That her Boughs are Trees , her Cage a Grove . 10. I am that Bird whom they combine Thus to deprive of liberty : Although they see my Corps confin'd , Yet maugre hate , my soul is free . Although I 'm mew'd , yet I can chirp and sing , Disgrace to Rebels , Glory to my King. On his first Love. MY first Love whom all beauty did adorn , Firing my heart , supprest it with her scorn , And since like Tinder in my breast it lies , By every sparkle made a Sacrifice : Each wanton eye , now kindles my desire , And that is now to all , which was intire : For now my wanton thoughts are not confin'd Unto a woman , but to woman kind : This for her shape I love , that for her face , This for her gesture , or some other grace : And sometimes when I none of these can find , I chuse them by the kernel , not the rind ; And so do hope , though my chief hope be gone , To find in many what I lost in one . She is in fault which caus'd me first to stray , Needs must he wander which hath lost his way : Guildess I am , she did this change provoke , And made that Charcoal , which at first was Oak : For as a Looking-glass to the aspect , Whilst it is whole , doth but one face reflect ; But crack'd and broken in pieces , there are shown Many false faces where first was but one : So love into my heart did first prefer Her Image , and there plan●ed none but her : But when 't was crack'd and martyr'd by her scorn , Many less faces in her sea● were born : Thus like to Tinder , I am prone to catch Each falling sparkle , fit for any match . On his Mistris● going to Sea. FArewel , fair Saint , may not the seas and wind Swell like the heart and eyes you left behind : But calm and gentle , like the looks they bear , Smile in your face , and whisper in your car : L●t no foul billow offer to arise , That it might nearer look upon your eyes ; Lest Wind and Waves enamour'd with such form , Should throng and crowd themselves into a storm . But if it be your fate , vast Seas , to love , Of my becalmed heart learn how to move : Move then but in a gentle Lovers pace , No wrinckles , nor no furrows in your face ; And you sicrce winds , see that you tell your tale In such a breath as may but fill her sail : So while you court her each a several way , You will her safely to her Port convey , And lose her in a noble way of wooing , Whilst both contribute to her own undoing . On a Blush . STay lusty blood , where wilt thou seek So blest a place as in her cheek ? How canst thou from that cheek retire , Where vertue doth command desire ? But if thou canst not stay , then flow Down to her panting paps below ; Flow like a Deluge from her breasts , Where Venus Swans have built their Nests ; And so take glory to bestain With azure blew each swelling Vein : Then boiling , run through every part , Till thou hast warm'd her frozen heart : And if from love it would retire , Then Martyr it with gentle sire : And having search'd each secret place , Fly thou back into her face : Where live thou blest in changing those White L●llies to a ruddy Rose . In praise of a Mask . THere is not half so warm a fire In fruition as desire : When we have got the fruit of pain , Possession makes us poor again . Expected form and shape unknown , Whets and makes sharp temptation : Sense is too nigardly for bliss , And daily pays us with what is . But ignorance doth give us all That can within her brightness fall . Veil therefore still , whilst I divine The riches of that hidden Mine ; And make imagination tell All wealth that can in beauty dwell . Thus the highly valu'd Oar , Earths dark Exchequer keeps in store : And search'd in secret , only quits The travel of the hands and wits ; Who dates to ransack all the hoards , That Natures privy Purso affords . Our eye the apprehensions Thief , Blinds our unlimited belief . When we see all , we nothing see , Disclosure may prove Robbery . For if you shine not , fairest , be●ug shown , I pick a Cabinet for a Bristol Stone . Excuse for Absence . YOu 'l ask , perhaps , wherefore I stay , Loving so much , so long away ? Do not think 't was I did part ; It was my body , not my heart : For , like a Compass , in your love One Foot is sixt that cannot move : To ' other may follow the blind guide Of giddy Fortune , but not slide Beyond your Service ; nor dares venture To wander far from you the Center . To his Mistris . KEep on your Mask , and hide your eye , For with beholding it I die , Your fatal Beauty , Gorgon-like , Dead with astonishment doth strike : Your piercing eyes , if them I see , Are worse than Basilisks to me . Shut from mine eyes those hills of Snow , Their melting Valley do not show ; Those Azure paths lead to despair . O vex me ●ot , forbear , forbear : For whilst I thus in torment dwell , The sight of Heaven is worse than Hell. Your dainty voice , and warbling breath , Sound like a Sentence past for death : Your dangling Tresses are become The instruments of final doom ; O if an Angel torture so When life is done , what shall I do ? To his Mistris . I 'Ll tell you how the Rose did first grow red , And whence the Lilly whiteness borrowed : You blush'd , and then the Rose with red was dight ; The Lilly kist your hand , and so came white . Before that time each Rose had but a stain , The Lilly nought but paleness did contain : You have the native colour , those the dye , They slourish onely in your eye . HIc jacet John Shorthose Sine hose , sine shooes , sine breeches , Qui fuit dum vixit , sine goods , Sine lands , sine riches . On his Mistris . IS she not wondrous fair ? O but I see She is so much too sweet , too fair for me , That I forget my flames , and every fi●e Hath taught me not to love , but to admire : Just like the Sun , methinks I see her face , Which I should gaze on still , but not embrace ; For 't is Heavens pleasure that she should be sent As pure to Heaven again , as she was lent To us : And bid us , as we hope for bliss , Not to profane her with a mortal kiss . Then how cold grows my Love , and I how hot ? O how I love her , how I love her not ! So doth my Ague-love torment by turns , And now it freezeth , now again it burns . A Sigh . GO thou gentle whisp'ring ' Wind , Bear this Sigh , and if you find Where my cruel Fair doth rest , Cast it in her snowy Breast : The sweet Kisses thou shalt gain , Will reward thee for thy pain . Taste her lips , and then confess , If Arabia doth possess Or the Hybla honour'd hill , Sweets like those that there distil . Having got so , with a fee Do another boon for me : Thou canst with thy powerful blast Heat apace , and cool as fast : Then for pity either stir Up the fire of Love in her , That alike both slames may shine , Or else quite extinguish mine . To a spruce and very finely deck'd Lady . 2. STill to be neat , still to be drest , As if you were going to a feast ▪ Still to be powder'd , still perfum'd , Lady , it is to be presum'd , Though Arts hid causes are not found , All is not sweet , all is not sound . 2. Give me a look , give me a face , That makes simplicity a grace ; Robes largely slowing , hairs as free ; Such sweet neglect more taketh me Than all th' Adulteries of Art : They please my eye , but not my heart . The Good Fellows Song . 1. AS we went wandring all the night , The Brewers Dog our brains did bi●e , Our Heads grew heavy , and our Heels grew light , And we like our humour well boys , And we like our humour well . 2. Our Hostess then bid us pay her Sc●re , We call'd her Whore , and we paid her no more , And we kick'd our Hostess out of the door , And we like our humour well boys , And we like our humour well . 3. And as we went wandring in the Street , We trod the Kennels under our feet , And fought with every Post we did meet , And we like our humour well boys . And we like our humour well . 4. The Constable then with his staff and band , He bid us if we were men to stand , We told him he bid us do more than we can , And we like our humour well boys , And we like our humour well . 5. Our Hostesses Cellar it is our bed , Upon the Barrels we lay our head , The night is our own , for the Devil is dead , And we like our humour well boys , And we like our humour well , Vpon Fasting . THe poor man fasts , because he has no meat ; The sick man fasts , because he cannot eat : The Userer fasts , to encrease his store : The Glutton fasts , 'cause he can eat no more ; The Hypocrite , because he 'd be commended : The Saints do fast , because they have offended . ONe wish'd me to a Wife that 's fair and young , That hath French , Spanish , and Italian tongue : I thank'd him , but yet I 'l have none of such ; For I think one tongue for a Maid's too much : What , love you not the Learned ? yes as my life . The learned Scholar , but the unlearned Wife . On a Lover that would not be beloved again . DIsdain me still , that I may ever love , For who his love enjoys , can love no more : The War once past , with peace men cowards prove , The ships return'd do rot upon the shore , Then frown though I say thou art m●st fair , And still I love thee , though I still despair . As heat to life , so is desire to love , For these once quench'd , both life and love are done : Let not my sighs and tears thy virtues move Like basest Metal do not melt so soon , Laugh at my woes although I ever mourn , Love surfeits with rewards , his Nurse is scorn . A Rural Song . 1. COme Lads and Lasses , each one that passes , Dance a round on the ground Whilst green the grass is . For if you 'l ever , with mirth endeavour With heart and voice , rejoyce , Come now or never : For the blind Boy Love was caught and betray'd In the Trap that was laid For the poor silly Maid . 2. Now here , now yonder , with Goose and Gander , With your Ducks , Hens , and Cocks , Safe may you wander , Securely may you go , to the Market to and fro , Iohn and Ione all arow , And never fear the foe , For the blind Boy Love was caught and betray'd In the Trap that was laid For the poor silly Maid . 3. Sweetest come hither , let us thither , Where we 'l court , and there sport Freely together . We 'l enjoy kisses , with other blisses , So come home , when we have done , And none shall miss us . For the blind Boy Love was caught and betray'd In the Trap that was laid , For the poor silly Maid . 4. Over you Bower ; Iove seems to lowre , As he meant to prevent Our happiest hour : But the times treasure , giving us leasure In spight of Iove , for to prove Our chiefest pleasure . For the blind Boy Love was caught and betray'd In the Trap that was laid , For the poor silly Maid . A Scotch Song , called Gilderoy . 1. WAS ever grief so great as mine , Then speak dear Bearn , I prethee , That thus must leave my Gilderoy , O my Benison gang with thee . Good speed be with you then Sir , she said , For gone is all my joy : And gone is he whom I love best , My handsom Gilderoy . 2. In muckle joy we spent our time Till we were both fifteen , Then wantonly he ligg'd me down , And amongst the B●akes so green . When he had done what man could do , He rose up and gang'd his way : I gate my Goon , and I followed him , My handsom Gilderoy . 3. Now Gilderoy was a bonny Boy , Would needs to 'th King be gone , With his silken Garters on his legs , And the Roses on his shoone : But better he had staid at home With me his only joy , For on a Gallow-tree they hung My handsom Gilderoy . 4. When they had ta'ne this lad so strong , Gude Lord how sore they bound him , They carried him to Edenb'rough Town , And there God wot they hung him : They knit him fast above the rest , And I lost my only joy , For evermore my Benison Gang with my Gilderoy . 5. Wo worth that man that made those Laws , To hang a man for genee , For neither stealing Ox nor Ass , Or bony Horse or Meere : Had not their Laws a bin so strict , I might have got my joy : And ne'r had need tull a wat my check For my dear Gilderoy . A Song to his Mistris . 1. I Will not do a Sacrifice To thy face or to thy eyes : Nor unto thy Lilly palm , Nor thy breath that wounding balm : But the part to which my heart In vows is seal'd , Is that Mine of Bliss Divine Which is conceal'd . 2. What 's the Golden fruit to me , If I may not pluck the Tree : Bare enjoying all the rest , Is but like a golden Feast , Which at need can never feed Our love-sick wishes : Let me eat substantial meat , Not view the dishes . The Advice . PHyllis for shame , let us improve A thousand several ways , These few short minutes stoln by love From many tedious days . Whilst you want courage to despise The censure of the Grave : For all the Tyrants in your eyes , Your heart is but a slave . My love is full of noble pride , And never will submit To let that Fop Discretion ride In triumph over Wit. False Friends I have as well you , That daily counsel me Vain friv'lous trisles to pursue , And leave off loving thee . When I the least belief bestow On what such fools advise , May I be dull enough to grow Most miserably wise . A Vision . BEneath a Myrtle shade Which Iove for none but happy Lovers made , I slept , and streight my Love before me brought , Phillis the object of my waking thought , Undrest she came my flames to meet , Whilst Love strew'd flowers beneath her feet : Flowers that so prest by her became more sweet . From the bright Visions head , A careless vail of Lawn was Loosely spread : From her white shoulders fell her shaded hair , Like cloudy Sun-shine , nor too brown nor fair : Her hands , her lips did love inspire , Her ev'ry part my heart did fire : But most her eyes , that languish'd with desire . Ah charming Fair , said I , How long will you my bliss and yours deny ? By nature and by Iove this lonesome Shade Was for revenge of suff'ring Lovers made : Silence and Shades with Love agree , Both shelter you , and favour me ; You cannot blush , because I cannot see , No , let me die , she said , Rather than lose the spotless name of Maid : Faintly she spoke methought , for all the while She bid me not believe her with a smile . Then die , said I : She still deny'd : And is it thus , thus , thus , she cry'd , You use a harmless Maid ? And so she dy'd . I wak'd , and straight I knew I lov'd so well , it made my Dream prove true . Fancy the kinder Mistriss of the two , Fancy had done what Phillis would not do . Ah cruel Nymph , cease your disdain , While I can dream you scorn in vain : Asleep or waking you must ease my pain . The Bachelors Song . LIke a Dog with a Bottle fast ty'd to his Tail , Like a Vermin in a Trap , or a Thief in a Jail , Like a Tory in a Bog , Or an Ape with a Clog , Even such is the man , who when he may go free , Does his Liberty lose In a Matrimony Noose , And sells himself into Captivity . The Dog he doth howl when the Bottle doth jog , The Vermin , the Thief , and the Tory in vain Of the Trap , of the Jail , of the Quagmire complain , But well fare poor Pug , For he plays with his Clog ; And though he would be rid on 't rather than his life , Yet he hugs it and tugs it as a Man does his Wife . The Batchelors Satyr re●orted . 1. LIke a Dog that runs madding at Sheep or at Cows , Like a Boar that runs brumling after the Sows , Like a Jade full of Rancor , Or a Ship without Anchor , Such is the Libertine whom sense invites To spend his leisures In recoyling pleasures , And prefers Looseness unto Hymens Rites : Whereas that honest Tedder holds The Dog from ranging to the Folds ; And the soft tie of sixt desire , Keeps men from that Boarish mire ; The Bit and Reins The Horse restrains , And th' Anchor saves The Ship from Waves Vermin indeed are oft deserv'dly caught In their own Traps , Venereous Claps , Which Health and Wealth and Conscience dearly bought . 2. Those Felons of themselves are their own Jails , And by stoln Pleasure do their sin intail ; Such wandring Tories in unknown Bogs , And busie Urchins are ensaf'd by Clogs : But well fare that Bird , That sweetly is heard To sing in the contented Cage , Secure from fears , And all the snares Of a Licentious and trepanning Age , Passing a calm harmonious Life , Just like an honest Man and Wife . A Reply to the Batchelors Satyr retorted . LIke a Cat with her Tail fast hel'd by a Peg , Like a Hog that gruntles when he 's ty'd by the leg , Like a gall'd Horse in a Pownd , Or a Ship run a ground : Such is the Man , who ty'd in a Nuptial Nooze , With the proud Stoick , brags Of his Patches , and his Rags And rails at looseness , yet would fain get loose , Whereas the Cat , not knowing who vext her , Tooth and nail assaults the thing that is next her ; And the soft tye of fixt desire Binds the Hog to the Paradise of his dear Mire : The Horse frisks about , But cannot get out ; And the Anchor gives way To the boysterous Sea. Husbands indeed are oft deserv'dly caught In their own Traps , By others Claps , Or Midwives , Nurses , Cradles dearly bout . These Felons to themselves are their own Jail : Some on the Parish do their Bratsentail , Like Tories from thir Wives and Children run , Designing but to Do , and be Undone : Or else like Hedghogs under Crabtrees roll , To bring home to their Drabs A burthen of Crabs , And then retire to their Hole . But well fare the Owl , Of all feather'd Fowl , That in the contented Ivy-bush sings ; She dodders all day , While the little birds play , And at midnight she flutters her wings , Hooting out her mopish discontented Life , Just like and honest man and Wife , On a Wedding . HOw pleasant a thing , were a Wedding , And a Bedding ? If a Man could purchase a Wife For a twelvemonth and a day : But to live with her all a mans life , For ever and for ay , Till she grows as grey as a Cat : Good faith , Mr. Parson , excuse me for that . The Answer . HOw honest a thing is a Wedding , And a Bedding ? If a man but make choice of a virtuous Wife , To live with for aye , Not a month and a day , But to love and to cherish all days of his life , Till both are grown grave , rich , fruitful , and fat : Good sooth ( Sir ) there needs no excuses for that . And thus against all Syrens safely stands The wise Ulysles ty'd with Nuptial Bands . Vpon His Majesties Picture drawn by a Fair Lady . YOur hand with Nature at a noble strife , Hath paid our Sovereign a great share of Life . Strange fate ! that Charles did ne'r more firmly stand , Then when twice rescu'd by a female hand . Fair Voucher of the Royal Head , which we owe Though first to Madam Lane , yet next to you . But here your glory much doth hers out-vie , She us'd disguise , you use discovery : And sure there 's not so much of Honour shown To save by hiding , as by making known : Yet hence for you the odds do higher lie , She sav'd from Death , you from Mortality ; Who in despight of fate can give reprieve , And in this deathless Image make him live . Warwicks great worth must quit the leaves of same , There never was a make-●ing till you came . Had Shiva's Queen known thus , she need not roam , Sh' had seen the Learned Monarch nearer home . O how Vandike would fret himself , by you Baffl'd at once in th' Art and Object too ! Nature her self amaz'd , doth scarce yet know For certain , whether , she drew both , or you : And we , seeing so much life in th' Image shown , Fear least it speak , and lay a Claim to th' Crown . And th' vulgar apt to a more gross mistake , Should Charles but for his Pictures Picture take . Who knows what harm might from your pencil come If Painting had not been an Art that 's dumb . W●r●'sters strict search had ceas'd , did Cromwel know How much of Charles your hand could to him show ; And the great Rebel would contented be To have him murther'd in this Effigie ; Wherein he doth so much himself appear , I am i' th' Presence whilst I spy him here . His Crown he may from others hands receive , But only you Charles to himself could give . To be thus lively drawn , is th' only thing Could almost make me wish my self a King. Go on , Fair Hand , and by a nobler Art Make Charles a Prince compleat in every part : And to the world this rare example show , You can make Kings , and get them Subjects too , FINIS . Westminster Drollery , THE SECOND PART ; BEING A Compleat Collection of all the Newest and Choicest SONGS and POEMS at COURT and both the THEATERS . By the Author of the FIRST PART , never Printed before . LONDON , Printed for William Gilbert at the Half-Moon in 〈…〉 These to his honoured Freind , the Author of this Book , upon his WESTMINSTER DROLLERY . HAving perus'd your Book , I there do find The footsteps of a most Ingenious mind ; Which ( traceing ) I ne're left , until I came Vnto the knowledge of the Authors Name ; Which having understood , I needs must show That due respect I to your Lines doe owe. How easie is it for a man to know Those Songs you made , from those Collected too ? Yours like Rich Vyands on a Table set , Invites all Pallats for to tast and eat ; T● ' others but garnish are , which only serve To feed a hungry stomach , least it starve ; Yours like the Sun , when he displayes his face , Obscures , and darkens Starrs of meaner Race : So Sir , in every thing you so transcend , That I could wish your Drolleries no end : But least my youthful Poetry should stray From their intentions , and so lose their way , I 'le wish your fame may be as amply known As he desires , who speaks himself your own . Ric : Mangic WESTMINSTER DROLLERY . The late Song at the Dukes House . SInce we poor slavish women know Our men we cannot pick and choose , To him we like , why say we no ? We both our time and labour loose : By our put offs , and fond delayes , A Lovers Appetite we pall ; And if too long the Gallant stayes , His Stomack 's gone for good and all . Or our impatient Amorous guest Unknown to us away may steale , And rather than stay for a feast Take up with some course ready meale . When opportunity is kind , Let prudent women be so too ; And if a man be to her mind , Till , till , — she must not let him goe . The match soon made is happy still , For only love , 't is best to doe For none should marry 'gainst their will , But stand off when their Parents woe , And only to their Suits be coy ; For she whom Jointures can obtain To let a Fopp her bed injoy , Is but a lawfull wench for gain . A late Song called The Resolute Gallant for a second Tryall . HOw hard a fate have I that must expire By sudden sparkles Love hath blown to fire : No paine like mine , 'cause fed with discontent , Not knowing how these flames I may prevent . Lucinda's eyes affection have compel'd , And ever since in thraldome I have dwelt ; Yet which is more , s●● who 's my sole delight Belongs unto another man by right . What though she do ? bear up dejected mind , She that is faired doth seldome prove unkind ; She may be so , I 'le put it to a venture ; Who tryes no Circle , may mistake the Center . For joyes themselves are only tr●e when try'd , Frui●ion is the comfort of a Bride ; And how can he enjoy that ne'r doth try But is dishearted with a Female fie ? ( When known to most ) they willingly resigne What they doe seem as willing to decline , Why then should I desist , I 'le try agen , They ' steeme the valiant lover the best of men . The Subtil Girle well fitted . The Tune The New Boxy . PRethee Cloris tell me how I 've been to thee Disloyal ; In love thou know'st who makes a vow , 'T is only but on tryal : For had I found , thy graces sound , Which first I did discover , There 's none shou'd be more kind to thee , Or halfe so true a Lover . 2. I vow'd 't is true , I 'le tell you how , With mental reservation , To try if thou wouldst keep thy vow , And find thine Inclination ; But when I saw thou didst withdraw Thy faith from me to changing , Why shoul'dst thou blame me for the same To take my swing in ranging . 3. No Cloris know , the knack I 've found Of this thy feigned passion , Thou knowst my elder brother's drown'd And chinks with me in fashion ; And likewise know , I 've made a vow To one did ne're deceive me VVho in the worst of times she durst Both visit and relieve me . 4. Then farewell Cloris false and faire , And like thee every woman , Nor more will weare thy lock of haire , Thy favours now are common ; But I will weare Aminta deare VVithin my heart for ever , VVhose faire and kind , and constant mind , To cherish I 'le endeavour . The New Scotch Song . SIt ' tha ' do'on be me , mine awn sweet joy , Thouse quite kill me suedst thou prove coy , Suedst thou prove coy , and not loove me . VVhere sall I fiend sike a can as thee . 2. Is'e bin at Weke , and Is'e bin at Faire , Yet neer coo'd I find can with thee to compare ; Oft have I sought , yet ne're cood I find Ean I loov'd like thee , ' gen you prove kind . 3. Thou'se ha' a gay goone , an gea fine , VVith brave buskins thy feet sall shine , VVith the fin'st sloores thy head sall be crownd , An thy pink-patticoat sall be lac't round . 4. VVee'se gang early to the brooke side , VVee'se catch fishes as they do glide , Ev'ry little fish thy prisner sall be , Thou'fe catch them , an I 'se catch thee . 5. Coom lat me kisse thy cherry Lip , an praise Aw the features , a thy sweet face , Thy forehead so smooth and lofty doth rise , Thy soft ruddy cheeks , and thy pratty black eyes . 6. I se ligg by thee all the caw'd niete , ' Thou's● want neathing for thy deleete ; Thouse ha' any thing , thouse ha me , Sure I ha soom thing that'le please thee . The Answer to the Scotch Song , and to that Tune . 1. SIbby cryes to the wood , coom follow me , ●or I'se have a fiene thing my Billy for thee , It i like a thing which I mun not tell , Yet I ken Billy thou'se love it well . 2. Billy cryes , wa is me , and sight vary seare Cause to his Sibby he cood not come neare , At last he tald her with many a greane Ise cannot follow Sibby for meerter and steane . 3. Thou ken'st Billy , Is'e loove thee wee le , And for thy Love my Patticoat wa'd sell ; I 'se loove thee dearly wee 'le as myne ean mother , Thou'se pull down ean side , & I 'se pull down tother . 4. Sibby gang'd to the Wail to pull it doone , Billy ean the tea side came there as soone ; Then she pul'd doon the steane , & Billy the meerter , That of his ●●atty Sibby he might be the Peerter . The rejected Lover to his Mistriss . 1. WHat means this strangen●ss now of late , Since time doth truth approve , Such difference may consist with state , In cannot stand with love . 2. 'T is either cunning or distrust , Doth such ways allow ; The first is base , the last unjust , Let neither blemish you . 3. Explaine with unsuspitious looks The Riddles of your mind , The eyes are Cupids fortune Books , Where love his fate may find . 4. If kindness crosse your wisht content , Dismiss it with a frown , I 'le give thee all the love is spent , The rest shall be my own . The Prologue to Witt without money : being the first Play acted after the Fire . SO shipwrackt Passengers escape to land , So look they , when on bare Beach they stand , Dropping and cold ; and their first feare scarce o're , Expecting famine from a desert shore ; From that hard Climate we must wait for bread Whence even the Natives forc't by hunger fled . Our stage does humane chance present to view , But ne're before was seen so sadly true , You are chang'd to , and your pretence to see Is but a nobler name of charitie . Your own provisions furnish out our feasts Whilst you the founders make your selves our guests . Of all mankind besides Fate had some care , But for poore Witt no portion did prepare , 'T is left a rent-charge to the brave and faire . You cherisht it , & now its fall you mourne , Which blind unmannerd Zealots make their scorne , Who think the fire a Judgment on the stage , Which spar'd not Temples in its surious rage . But as our new-built City rises higher , So from old Theaters may new aspire , Since Fate contrives magnificence by fire . Our great Metropolis doth farr surpasse What ere is now , & equald all that was , Our Witt as far doth forrein wit excell , And like a king should in a Pallace dwell . But we with golden hopes are vainely fed , Talk high , and entertaine you in a shed : Your presence here , for which we humbly sue , Will grace old Theaters , and build up new . A Song . OF all the briske da●●s my Selina for me , For I love not a woman unlesse she be free ; The affection that I to my Mistris do pay Grows weary , unless she does meet me half way : There can be no pleasure 'till humours do hit , Then Jumping's as good in affection as wit. No sooner I came , but she lik't me as soone ; No sooner I askt , but she granted my boon ; And without a preamble , a portion or Jointer , She promis'd to meet me , where e're I 'de appoint her ; So we struck up a match , and embrac'd each other Without the consent of Father or Mother . Then away with a Lady that 's modest and coy , Let her ends be the pleasure that we do enjoy ; L●t her tickle her fancy with secret delight , And refuse all the day , what she longs for at night : I believe my Selina , who shews they 'r all mad , To feed on dry bones , when flesh may be had . A SONG . Give o're foolish heart , and make hast to despare , For Daphne regards not thy vowes nor thy prayer Which plead for thy passion , thy paines to prolong ; She courts her gittar , and replyes with a Song . No more shall true lovers such beauties adore , Were the gods so severe , men would worship no more . No more will I waite like a slave at your doore , I will spend the cold night at the windows no more ; My lungs in long sighs I 'le no more exhale , Since your pride is to make me grow sullen & pale ; No more shall Amintas your pitty implore , Were gods so ingrate men , would worship no more . No more shall your frowns & free humour perswade To worship the Idol my fancy hath made ; When your Saint's so neglected , your follies give 'ore Your deity's lost , and your beauty 's no more ; No more sh●ll true lovers such beauties adore , Were the gods so severe , men would worship no mo●● . How weak are the vowes of a lover in paine When flarter'd with hope , or opprest with disdain ; No sooner my Daphne's bright eyes I review , But all is forgot , and I vow all anew . No more fairest Nymph , I will murmur no more . Did the Gods seem so faire , men would ever adore . A Song . 1. COrinna ' false ! it cannot be , Let me not hear 't againe , 't is blasphemie , Shee 's divine , Not the Shrine Where the Vestall flames doe shine Holds out a light so constant pure as she ▪ First shall the nights Out-burne those Taper lights Which Emulate the one ey'd day ; Phaebus rayes Shall outgaze Titan in his chiefest praise ; Snow shall burne , Floods returne To their Springs , their funerall urne , E're my Corinna's constancy decay . 2. Not innocence it selfe is free From imputation ; and ' twe●e base in me , Where I find Love combin'd In a heart of one so kind , To injure vertue with Jealousie . Still do I strive To keep my joyes alive And vindicate Corinna's fame , Whilst my brest Doth suggest Thoughts which violate my rest , And my feares Flow in Teares Whilst they wound me through the eare 's Which cast aspersion on Corinna's name . 3. 'T is sayd , Corinna may it be As false as my affection 's true to thee , That thou art ! How my heart Greeves such terrors to impart ; Not what thou wast before to me . This , this , destroyes My late triumphant Joyes Which sweld , when in your armes I was intwin'd . Loves best wreath You did breath , You vowd to be my love till death Sealing this With that blisse , Whilst with armes , and every word a kiss Our pure soules were as our hearts combin'd . Last night I walkt into a grove ●Mong shady bowers to bewaile my love , There to find Fate so kind As to ease my pensive mind Or thoughts of my Corinna to remove . But there the Nightingale Had husht her pretty tale , Leaving her ditty 's to the Owle , Which made me sad And did adde Fewel to the flame I had : That poore I Now must die Unless Corinna's constancy Takes off this clogg which overwhelmes my soule . The Petticoate wagge , with the Answer . SOme say the world is full of holes , And I think Many a chinke Is unstopt , that were better clos'd , Is now unstopt that were better clos'd . To stop them all is more than to build Pauls ; Wherefore he That would see How men are in private dispos'd , How most men are in private dispos'd Then let him looke the world throughout From the oyster-wench to the black bagg , And peepe here , And peepe there , You 'l still find the petticoate wagge . The Answer . SOme say the world is full of pelse , But I think There 's no Chinke Because I have so little my selfe , Because I have now so little my selfe . Where pockets are full , there men will borrow , But one must Neve● trust 〈◊〉 to be pay'd to day or to morrow , 〈◊〉 to be pay'd to day or to morrow ▪ ● let him look the world throughout From the Usurer to his best friend , And ask here , And ask there , But the Devil a penny they 'l lend . An Invocation to Cupid ▪ A SONG . YOu powers that guard loves pleasant Thron● And guide our passions by your owne , 〈◊〉 downe , send down that golden dart 〈◊〉 makes two Lovers weare one heart . Sollicite Venus that her doves ●hich through their bills translate their loves , May teach my tender love and I To kisse into a Sympathy . Pray Cupid , if it be no sinne 'Gainst nature , for to make a twinne Of our two soules , that the others eyes May see death cozen'd when one dyes . If oh you Powers you can implore Thus much from Love , know from your store Two Amorous Turtles shall be freed VVhich yearly on your Altar bleed ▪ A beautifull and great Lady died in March , and was buried in April . MArch with his winds hath struck a Cedar tall , And weeping Aprill mournes the Cedars fall , And May intends her month no flowres shall bring Sith she must loose the flowre of all the Spring . Then March winds have caused Aprill showers , And yet sad May , must loose her flower of flowres . To● of Bedlam , and to that Tune . A mock to From a dark and dismal state . 1. FRom the hagg and hungry Goblin That into raggs would rend yee , All the Spirits that stan By the naked man In the book of moons defend yee , ●hat of your five sound Senses You never be forsaken , Nor Travel from Your selves with Tom Abroad to begg your Bacon . Chor : Nor never sing , any food any feeding , Money drink or clothing : Come dame or mayd Be not asfrayd , Poor Tom will injure nothing . 2. Of 30 bare yeares have I Twice twenty bin inraged , And of forty bin Three times fifteene In durance soundly caged . ●n the lovely lofts of Bedlam , on stubble soft & dainty Brave bracelets strong , Sweet whips ding dong And who some hunger plenty . Cho● . And now I sing , any food , any feeding &c. 3. With a thought I took for mawdlin , And a ●ruse of ●o●kle pottage And a thing thus — tall ( Skye blesse you all ) I fell into this do●age . I slept not since the conquest , 'Till then I never waked , 'Till the Roguish Boy Of Love where I lay Me found , and stript me naked . Chor : And made me sing , any food , &c. 4. When short I have shorne my Sowes face , And swigg'd my horned barrell , In an Oaken Inne , Doe I pawn my skin , As a suit of gi●● apparel . The Moon 's my constant Mistris , And the lovely Owle my morrow , The flaming drake , And the night-crow make Me musick to my sorrow . Chor : While there I sing any food &c. 5. The Palsy plague these pounces , When I prigg your piggs or pullen , Your Culvers take , Or matelesse make Your Chanticleare , and ●ullen ▪ When I want provant , with Humphry I su● , And when benighted , To repose in Paules , With walking soules , I never am affrighted . Chor : But still do I sing , any food &c. 6. I know more than Apollo , For oft when he lyes sleeping , I behold the Starrs At mortall warrs , And the wounded Welkin weeping ; The Moon embrace her shepheard , And the queen of Love her warriour , Whilst the first doth horne , The starre of the morne , And the next the heavenly Farrier . 7. The Gipsy Snap , and Tedro , Are none of Tom's Comrades , The Punke I scorne , And the Cutpurse sworne , And the roaring boyes bravadoes . The sober white , and gentle , Me trace , or touch , and spare not ; But those that cross Tom's Rhinoceros Do what the Panther dare not . Chor : Although I sing , any food &c. 8. Wich a heart of furious fancies , Whereof I am commander , VVith a burning speare , And a horse of Aire , To the wilderness I wander ; With a Knight of Ghosts and shaddowes , I summon'd am to Tourney , Ten leagues beyond The wide worlds end , Methinks it is no journey . Chor : All while I sing , Any food any feeding . Mony drink or clothing Come d●me or mayd Be not assrayd Poor Tom will injure nothing The Oakerman . To the Tune of Tom of Bedlam . 1. THe Starr that shines by day light , And his Love the midnight walker , VVell guard Red-Jack , VVith his Purple-pack Of right North●mbrian Auker , Cho : While here I sing , Any marke any marking , Marking red or yellow , Come , come , and buy , or say ye why , You deny so brave a fellow . 2. Full off a 10 dayes Journey Into the earth I venture , To shew bright day , Old Adams clay , From the Long benighted center , Chor : And then I sing , any mark &c. 3. From the Rugged I le of Orkney , VVhere the Redshanke walkes the Marish Not a Towne of Count To the Magog-mount , Not a Village Ham or parish , Chor : But then I sing any marke &c. 4. The Curtaild Curr and Mastiffe , With this Twig I charm from barking ; From Packhorse feete , And wells in street , I preserve your Babes with marking . Chor : While there I sing , Any marke &c. 5. The Blank denier , and Stiver , To Gold I turn with wearing And a six-penny pot , For a scarlet groat E●●ic fills me without swearing . Chor : While I do sing any mark &c. 6. Besides the Mort I marry'd , With whom I sometimes slumber , ' Tway loves have I , And one ligg by , So we are five in number , Chor : And we do sing any marke &c. 7. Not one of all my Doxyes , So fruitless is or sterril , But breeds young bones , And marking stones To your Poultreys further perril . Chor : When they shall sing any ma●ke &c. 8. Will you red-stones have to Tawny Your Lambskins or your weathers , Will ye Bole as good , For a flux of blood , As the fu●e of Capons feathers . Chor : Of these I sing any mark &c. 9. Will you Lead to Pounce your paintings , Any Peakish wherstones will ye , Will ye heavenly Blewes , Or C●ruse use , That scornes to wooe the Lilly. Chor : Of what I sing , any marke &c. 10. The Belgian does not scorne me , Nor I the Eth●opian , I am both one man , To the American , And the white and faire European . Chor : Although I sing any mark &c. 11. The fiery Mars his Minion , By the Twilight might me follow ; In a morning Scene , To the Mornings Queene , She might take me for Apollo . Cho : But that I sing , any mark &c. 12. But as disdain'd of fortune , Disdaine I shift and sharking , No loves but these , Do my fancy please , No delight , or life to marking . Chor : Wherefore I sing Any marking , Marking red or yellow , Come , come , and buy , Or say you why , You deny so brave a fellow . Old Soldiers . 1. OF old Soldiers the Song you would heare , And we old Fid●●rs have forgot who they were But all we remember shall come ●o your Eare , Chor : That we are Old Soldier● of the Queens , And the Queens Old Soldiers . 2. With an old Drake that was the next man , To old Franciscus ( who first it began ) To faile through the Streights of Magellan , Chor : Like an old Soldier &c. 3. That put the Proud Spanish Armado to wrack , And Travel'd all ore the old world , and came back In his old Ship , laden with Gold and old Sack , Chor : Like an old &c. 4. With an Old Candish that seconded him , And taught his old Sailes the same passage to swim , And did them therefore with Cloth of Gold Trim , Like an old &c. 5. With an old Rawleigh that twice and agen , Saild over most part of the Seas , and then Travel'd all ore the old World with his Pen , And an Old &c. With an old Iohn Norreys the Generall That at old Gaunt made his same Immortall , In s●ight of his foes with no losse at all , Like an old Soldier &c. 7. Like old Bres●-sort an Invincible thing , VVhen the old Queen sent him to help the French King , Took from the proud foe to the worlds wondring , As an old &c. Where an old stout Fryer as goes the story , Came to push a Pike with him in vain glory , But h● was almost sent to his own Purgatory By this old souldier &c. With an old Ned Norrey● that kept Ostend , A terrour to soe , and a refuge to freind , And left it Impregnable to his last end , Like an old Souldier &c. That in the old unfortunate voyage of all , Marcht ore the old Bridge , and knockt at the wall Of Lisbon the Mistris of Portugall , Like an old souldier &c. With an old Tom Norreys by the old Queen sent , Of Munster in Ireland Lord President , Where his dayes and his blood in her service he spent , Like an old souldier &c. With an old Harry Norreys in b●ttel wounded In his Knee , whose Legg was cut off ; and he sed You have spil'd my Dancing , and dyed in his bed . An old Souldier &c. With an old Will Norreys the oldest of all , Who went voluntary without any call , To 'th old Irish Wars to 's fame Immortall , Like an old Soldier &c. VVith an old Maximilian Norreys the last Of six old brothers , whose fame the time past Could never yet match , nor shall future time wast ▪ He was an old soldier &c. VVith an old Dick Wenman the first ( in his prime ) That over the wal●s of old Cales did climbe , And therefore was Knighted , and liv'd all his time . An old souldier &c. VVith an old Nando Wenman when Brest was ore-thrown ▪ Into th' Aire , into ●h ' Seas with Gunpowder blown , Yet bravely recovering , long after was known , An old souldier &c. VVith an old Tom Wenman , whose bravest delight VVas in a good cause for his Country to fight , And dyed in Ireland a good old Knight ▪ And an old souldier &c. VVith a yo●ng N●d Wenman so valiant and bold , In the w●●rs of Bohemia ; as with the old D●serves for his valour to be Inrold , An old &c. And thus of old Soldiers hear ye the same , But never so many of one house and name , And all of old Io●n Lord Williams of Thame , Chor : An Old Souldier of the Queens , And the Queens old Sold●er . A wo●rs Expostulation . 1. ALl day do I sit inventing , VVhile I live so single alone , VVhich way to Wed to my contenting , And yet can resolve upon none . There 's a wench whose wealth would inrich me , But she not delights me ; There 's anothers eyes do bewitch me , But her fashion frights me . He that herein Has a traveller bin And at length in his Longing sped . VVhat shall I doe , Tell me who I shall woe , For I long to be lustily wed . 2. Shall I with a VViddow marry ; No , no , she such watch will beare To spy how my selfe I doe carry . I shall always live in feare . Shall I to a mayd be a wooer , Maydens are lov'd of many , Knowing not to whom to be sure ▪ Are unsure to any . Marry with youth , There is love without truth , For the young cannot long be just , And Age if ● prove ; There is truth without Love , For the Old are too cold to Lust. The Resolution . 1. I Dye , when as I do not see Her , who is my life , and all to me ; And when I see her then I dye In seeing of her cruel●y , So that to me like m●sery is wrought , Both when I see , and when I see her no● . 2. Shall I in silence mourn and grieve ? VVho silent sorrowes will relieve ? In speaking not my heart will rend ▪ And speaking I ●●y her ●●●end . So that 'twixt Love and death my heart is shot With equall dar●s , speak I , or speak I not . 3. Since life and death is in her Eye , If her I not behold , I dye ; And if I look on her she kills , I 'le chuse the least of two such ills ; Though both be hard , this is the easier lot , To dye and see , than dye and see her not 4. Yet when I see her I shall speak ; For if I speak not , heart will break ; And if I speak I can but dye , Of two such ills the least I 'le trye ; Who dyes unseen or dumb is soon forgot , I 'le see and speak then , dye , or dye I not . Love , himselfe in Love 1. AS in May the little god of love Forsook his Mothers rosy rest To play , to wanton , and to rove His quiver where it pleas'd him best ▪ VVanting sport In idle sort An arrow where he could not tell From him glanced , So it chanced Love thereby in Love besell . 2. In sad Teares he to his mother pray'd ( to seek his shaft ) to lend him eyes , VVhich she grants : a bright and lovely Love taking up his dart espies ; But poore lad He better had Neer seen at all , then now too well , For being strook , VVith her faire look Love himselfe in love besell . 3. She too true a chastity embrac'd , And from Loves courtship , and his 〈◊〉 Nicely flew ; but when his houre was pass'd His sorrow with his sight was gone . VVith us swaines , She now remaines ; And every shepheards boy can tell , This is she That love did see VVho seeing her in love besell 4. Some thus wish , that Love had never shot , ( That thereof with him feel the woe ) Some dispute that Love a God is not , And think that beauty beares the bow , Since this mayd , VVithout his ayd , Doth her beholders all compell , Now to fall Into that thrall VVhere Love himself in Love befell . 5. Simple Swaines could wish their eyes were blind For in her speech and every grace , Are such chaines to captivate the mind , They love her that ne're saw her face . Liking lyes Not all in Eyes , No● Charmes in Cheeks do only dwell , Love had power , But for an houre , To see , and so in love besell . 6. Since in troope of many wretched men I her inchanting looks survay'd , Though I droop , I languish , yet agen , To see , and yet to see affrayd . But O why , With shame should I Consume for what I love so well ; First I 'le try Her love , and dye With fame , where love in love befell . The Matchlesse Maid . 1. AMidst the merry May , When wantons would a playing , A Girle as any gay That had no mind a Maying , By a cleare Fountain brim , Shedding teares , Shaming him , Sate , and said , are all they With their Mates gone to May , And on a Sun-shiny day Must I be cast away , O , to dye a Maid . 2. One hand she laid to calme Her brest that ever panted , And on her other palme Her dewy Cheek she planted , All a loft Covered ore With the soft silks she wore , And underneath a bed Of Lillyes had she spred Whereon she was , she sed Fully determined O to dye a Maid . 3. Is 't love , quoth she , or lot , Whose fault I am not mated ? Has Cupid me forgot , Will fortune have me hated ? O ill men Though ye be Fewer then Wretched we ; Must I needs be one , For whom there mate is none , None need her death bemone ( Than ) that was borne alone , O , to dye a Made 4. And so into a swound She fell ; and in a trembling Fell I , when as I found A maid ; & no dissembling : To her quick Did I stepp , Felt her thick Pulses leap , Brake her blew Belt in twaine , Into her cheeks againe , Kist that Vermilion stain , Nature did ne're ordaine . O to dye a Maid . 5. But like to him that wrought A face that him Inchanted , And life for it besought , Which Cytherea granted , Fared I ( fool ) that should Let her dye When she would . For with that soul she brought , Back from the shades she sought , Am I now deeply caught In love , that ever thought O to die a Maid . One and his Mistris a dying . 1. SHall we die , Both thou and I , And leave the world behind us ; Come I say And lets away , For no body here doth mind us . 2. Why do we gape , We cannot scape The doom that is assign'd us ; When we are in grave , Although we rave , There no body needs to bind us . 3. The Clark shall sing , The Sexton ring , And old wives they shall wind us The Priest shall lay Our bones in clay , And no body there shall find us . 4. Farewel wits , And folly's fits , And griefs that often pin'd us ; When we are dead , VVe 'l take no heed What no body says behind us . 5. Merry nights , And false delights Dieu , ye did but blind us ; VVe must to mold , Both young and old , Til no body's left behind us . A Dialogue between a man ( in Garrison ) and his wife ( with her company ) storming without . The Tune The Devils Dream . Man. HArk , hark , the Doggs do bark , My Wife is coming in With Rogues and Jades , And roaring blades , They make a devillish din. Woman . 2. Knock , knock , 't is twelve a clock , The Watch will come anon , And then shall wee All be free Of the Gate house every one . Man. 3. Hold , hold , who is that so bold That dares to force my doores , Here is no roome For such a scum Of arrant Rogues and Whores Woman . 4. See , See , this Cuckold he Denyes to let us in , Let 's force the house , Drink and carouse , And make him sit and spin . Man. 5. So , so , I 'me glad I know Your mind , I will provide A Bride-well Bunne For every one , And lodging there beside . Woman . 6. Run , Run , le ts all be gon , The Watch is coming by , They bid 'em stand , Away they ran As fast as they could hey . Man. 7. Watch , watch , I prethee catch Some of that flying crew , Here 's money for ye , They for it tarry , Mean while away they flew . A Late Poem by a Person of quality . VVHat dire Aspects wore the inraged skie At the curst moment of my birth : O why Did envious Fate prolong my loathsome age , Since all mankind , yea all the Gods ingage To bend their never-ceasing spight on me alone , Am I the center of their envy grown ? Am I the man On whom they all their venom'd weapons try Made for their sport , and mankinds mockery , Or was 't ye Gods that you did me create Only to make me thus unfortunate ? Or do I owe a being to some other powers VVho'l make me able to deride all yours ? If so , From these unknown Patrons I 'le obtaine A power to stay your deem'd eternall reigne , I 'le ravish Nature , from which rape shall come A Race , shall ruine your ill guarded throne ; Rocks , hills , and mountaines , wee 'l sling at the Skye ; Whole torne up Regions in Joves face shall fly . Wee 'l drai●e the Seas With hills of water , quench the angry starrs ; Nor will we put an end to these just wars , 'Till conquered Iove shall learne to obey , And I more powerfull shall his Scepter sway ; The heavens to their first source shall then returne , The Earth to her Autumnal being run : And stubborne mankind I will new create : On all I will impose new lawes of Fate . On Women . WOmen are call'd Eves , Because they came from Adams wife , Put to t●h , and they are Theeves , They rob men of a merry life ; Put ls to Eve , and then they 're Evils , Put d before evills , and then they are Devils : And thus our Eves are made theeves , & theeves are evils And angry Women are a thousand times worse than Devils . The Valentine . 1. AS youthfull day put on his best Attire to usher morne , And she to greet her glorious guest Did her faire selfe adorne ; Up did I rise , and hid mine eyes As I went through the street , Least I should one that I despise Before a fairer meet ; And why Was I , Think you so nice and fine , Well did I wot , Who wotts it not , It was St Valentine 2. In fields by Phaebus great with young Of Flower 's and hopefull budds , Resembling thoughts that freshly sprung In lovers lively bloods , A dam'sel faire and fine I saw , So faire and finely dight , As put my heart almost in aw To attempt a mate so bright : But O , Why so , Her purpose was like mine , And readily , She said as I , Good morrow Valentine . 3. A Faire of love we kept a while , She for each word I said Gave me two smiles , and for each smile I her two kisses pay'd . The Violet made hast to appear To be her bosome guest , With first Primrose that grew this year I purchast from her brest ; To me , gave she , her golden lo●k for mine ; My ring of Jet , For her Bracelet , I gave my Valentine . 4. Subscribed with a line of love , My name for her I wrote ; In silke forme her name she wove , VVhereto this was her mot — As shall this year thy truth appear I still my dear am thine : Your mate to day , and Love for aye , If you so say , was mine . VVhile thus , on us , each others favours shine , No more have we to change , quoth she , Now farewell Valentine . 5. Alas , said I , ●e● freinds not seeme Between themselves so strange , The Jewels both we dear'st esteeme You know are yet to change : She answers no , yet smiles as though Her tongue her thought denyes ; VVho truth of maidens mind will know , Must seek it in her Eyes . She blush● , I wisht , Her heart as free as mine , She sight and sware , Insooth you are Too wanton Valentine . 6. Yet I such further favour won By suit and pleasing play , She vow'd what now was left undone , Should finisht be in May. And though perplex'd with such delay ▪ As more augments desire , Twixt present griefe , and promis'd Joy ; I from my Mate re●ire ▪ If she To me Preserve her vowes divine And constant troth , She shall be both My Love and Valentine . On Thirsis and Phillis . YOung Thirsis the shepheard , that wont was to keep So delightfull slocks and faire , Sets eyes upon Phillis , and le ts go the Sheep To wander he knows not where . The cropping of Lillyes , Was as became Phillis , That seem'd with her brow to compare ; He tuning of Verses , Was as became Thirsis , That more did her beauty declare . 2. Why lik'st thou those flowers that are not like thee , Thou art far more fresh and gay , Or if thou lov'st Lillyes , why lov'st thou not me That am Love-sick and pale as they ? Thy bosome faire Phillis Yeilds lovlyer Lillyes Surpassing the sweetness of those , Whose beauty so pierces The poor heart of Thirsis That these more resemble his woes . 3. Art thou a Shepherdess , and yet too good For a Shepheard to be thy mate ? If wanton opinion , or purenesse of blood , Doth make thee disdaine thy estate , Let Thirsis pluck Lillyes , And feed flocks for Phillis For her love his duty to show , Whilst Phillis rehearses , The Poesies of Thirsis In his love her beauty to know . 4. If Goridons jealousie cannot admit Young Thirsis his rival to be , Thy heart is too young to be singular yet , And too old to be lov'd is he . Then try what the skill is Of young men faire Phillis Ere age thou dost simply retaine ; If any love pierces Thee deeper than Thirsis , Let Thirsis love Phillis in vaine , 5. Thus Thirsis went , on but Phillis more wise Conceales the delight she find , For women their likings have skill to disguise , But men cannot masque their minds . He mounts where the hill is , The proud hill where Phillis , Is wonted to rest with her sheep ; And with his ●lock Thirsis , So seldome converses , We think he with Phillis doth keep . A Song . 1. TO love thee without flattery were a sin , Since thou art all Inconstancy within , Thy heart is govern'd only by thine Eyes , ●he newest object is thy richest prize , Love me then just as I love thee , That 's 'till a fairer I can see . 2. I hate this constant doating on a Face , Content ne're dwells a week in any place ; Why then should you and I love one another Longer than we can our fancy smother ; Love me then just as I love thee , That 's 'till a fairer I can see ▪ A Song . 1. VVHen Thirsis did the splendid Eye Of Phillis his faire Mistris spye , Was ever such a glorious Queen Said he , unlesse above , t were seen . 2. Faire Phillis with a blushing aire , Hearing those words became more faire ; Away , says he , you need not take Fresh beauty , you more fair to make . 3. Then with a winning smile and looke , His candid flattery she took ; O stay , sayd he , 't is done I vow , Thirsis is captivated now . A catch for three Voices , made from a true Story . 1. A Knot of good fellowes were making moane , Their meeting was spoild , their pig was gon ▪ Whee , quoth a Frenchman to Ioan , its dark , Hark there , cryes Mounseir , Pig , wee l make him pork ; They caught him , & stuck him , wee ' wee ' , what you do To serve you like the mother of the meaz'ld sow ? Begar me no Bacon , you English dogge ; Weeh , weeh , you rask all Frenchman , wee 'l dresse you like a hogg ? They kept such a weehing that home came the Pigg , Which made them all dance , and drinke as long as they could swig , They cry the Mounseir pardon , & forth let him pass No more for a Pigge , but now for an Asse . A Catch of 3 Parts . 1. MY Mistriss will not be content to take a Jest , I mean a Jest as Chaucer meant : But following still the Womens fashion , Allowes it , allowes it , in the last translation ; For with the word shee 'l not dispence , And yet , and yet , and yet , I know she loves the sence . On Loyalty in the Cavaliers . 1. HE that is a cleare Cavalier Will not repine , Although his fortune grow So very low That he cannot get wine . Fortune is a Lass , She will embrace , And strait destroy ; Free-borne Loyaltie Will ever be , Sing Vive le Roy. Chorus . ●ertue is her own reward , and fortune is a Whore , There 's none but knaves and fools regard Her , or do her power implore . A reall honest man , Might a'bin utterly undone , To shew his Allegiance , His love and obedience ; Honour will raise him up , And still praise him up , Virtue stayes him up , Whilst your Loose Courtiers dine With their full Bowles of Wine , Honour will stick to it fast ; And he that fights for love , doth in the way of honour move ; He that is a true Roger , and hath serv'd his King , Although he be a ragged Souldier ; Whilst those that make sport of us , May become short of us , ●te will flatter e'm , and will scatter e'm , Whilst that Loyalty Waits on Royalty , He that waits peacefully , May be successfully Crown'd with Crowns at last . 2. Firmly let us then Be honest men , And kick at fate , We shall live to see Loyaltie , Valued at a high rate . He that bears a word Or a sword , Gainst the Throne , Or doth prophanely prate To wrong the State , Hath but little for his own . Chorus . What though the Plumes of painted Players . Be the prosperous men , Yet wee 'l attend our own affaires , When we come to 't agen . Treachery may be fac't with light , And leachery lin'd with furre , A Cuckold may be made a Knight , 'T is fortune de la gar ; But what is that to us boyes , That now are honest men ? Wee 'l conquer and come agen , Beat up the drum agen , Hey for Cavaliers , Joy for Cavaliers , Pray for Cavaliers , Dub a dub dub , Have at old Belzebub , Oliver stinks for fear . Fist-Monarchy must down-boyes And every Sect in Town , Wee 'l rally , and to 't agen , Give 'em the rout agen , When they come agen , Charge 'em home agen , Face to the right about , tantararara , This is the life of an honest poor Cavalier . The Irish footmans , O hone , 1. NOw Chree'st me save , Poor Irish Knave , O hone , O hone , Round about , The Town throughout , Is poor Shone gone , Mayster to find , Loving and kind , But Shone to his mind is ne're the neare , Shone can find none here , Which makes him cry for feare O hone , O hone , Shone being poore , Him 's foot being sore , For which hee 'l no more Trot about , To find mayster out , Fai● I 'le rather go without And cry O ●one . 2. I was so crost , That I was for●'● , To go barefoo● , With stripes to boot , And no shooes none Nill English could I speak , My mind for to break , And many laught to hear the moane I made , And I like a tyr'd Jade , That had no worke nor Trade But cry'd O hone . Cause Church to go , Whither I 'de or no , ●le dye or do so , Grace a Chreest ; ●or I love Popish Preest A poor Catholick thou seest , O hone , O hone . ● Good honest Shone , Make no more moane , For thy lost , ●do intend , Somthing to spend On Catholicks thus crost ; Take this small gift , And with i● make a shift , And be not thou berest ; Of thy mind ; Although he was unkind , ●o leave thee thus behind , To cry O hone . Here take this Beer , and with it make good cheere , ●othing's for thee too deare ; so a due , ●e constant still and true , This country do not true , Nor cry O hone , 4. Good Shentlemen , That do intend , To help poore Shone at 's need ; My Patron here , Has given me Beer , And meat where●n to feed , Yea and moneys too , So I hope that you Will do as he did do , For my reliefe , To ease my pain & griefe . I le eat no ●owder'd beef , What e're ensue . But I will keep my fast , As I did in times past , To get more stomack for my hungry throat , And 〈◊〉 for friends I sought , They call'd me all te're naught Song . I Went to the Tavern , and then , I went to the Tavern , and then , I had good store of VVine , And my cap full of coyne And the world went well with me then , then , And the world went well with me then . ● I went to the Tavern agen , Where I ran on the score And was turn'd out o' th' door , And the world went ill with me then , then , &c. ● When I was a Batchelor then I had a Saddle and a Horse , And I took my own course , And the world went well with me then , then , &c. 4. But when I was marry'd , O then My Horse and my Saddle VVere turn'd to a Cradle , And the world went ill with me then , then , &c. 5. VVhen I brought her home mony , then She never would pout , But clip me about , And the world went well with me then , then , &c. 6. But when I was drunk , O then , She 'd kick , she 'd fling , Till she made the house ring , And the world went ill with me then , then , &c. 7. So I turn'd her away , and then , I got me a Miss , To clip and to kiss , And the world went ill , &c. 8. But the Pariter came , and then I was call'd to the Court , VVhere I pay'd for my sport , And the world went ill &c. 9. I took my Wife home agen , But I chang'd her note , For I cut her throat , And the world went well with me then , &c. 10. But when it was known , O then , In a two-wheeld Charret , To Tiburn I was carry'd , And the world went ill , &c. 11. But when I came there , O then , They for●'t me to swing . To heaven in a string , And the world went well with me then , then . And the world went well with me then . The Moons Love. 1. THe Moon in her pride , Once glanced aside Her eyes , and espied The day , As unto his bed , In wastcoat of red , Faire Phoebus him led The way ; Such changes of thought , In her chastitie wrought . That thus she besought the boy , O tarry , And Marry The Starry Diana , That will be thy Jem , and Joy. 2. I will be as bright At noon as at night , If that may delight The day ; Come hither and joine Thy glories with mine , Together wee 'l shine For aye . The night shall be noon , And every moon As pleasant as june Or May ; O tarry and marry &c. 3. Enamour'd of none I live chast and alone , Though courted of one , Some say ; And true if it were ●o frivolous feare Let never my dear Dismay , I 'le change my opinion , And turne my old Minion , The Sleepy Endimion Away , O tarry and marry , &c. 4. And but that the night , Should have wanted her light Or lovers in sight Should play , Or Phoebus should shame To bestow such a dame ( VVith a dow'r of his flame ) On a Boy , Or day should appear , Eternally here , And night otherwhere , The day Had tarry'd , And marry'd , The starry'd Diana , And she been his Jem and Joy ▪ On Dulcina . 1. AS at noone Dulcina rested , In her sweet and shady bower , Came a shepheard and requested , In her lapp to sleep an houre ; But from her look , A wound he took So deep , that for a further boon , The Nimph he prayes , VVhere to she sayes , Foregoe me now , come to me soone . 2. But in vaine did she conjure him , To depart her presence so , Having a thousand tongues to allure him , And but one to bid him go . VVhere lipps invite , And eyes delight , And cheeks as fresh as rose in Iune , Perswade to stay , VVhat boots her say , Foregoe me now , come to me soon . Words whose hopes might have injoin'd Him to let Dulcina sleep , Could a mans love be confin'd , Or a mayd her promise keep ; But he her waste , Still holds as fast , As she was constant to her Tune And still she spake , For Cupid sake Foregoe me now , come to me 〈◊〉 4. He demands what time or pleasure . Can there be more soon than now ? She sayes Night gives love that leasure , That the Day doth not allow . The Suns kind sight , Forgives delight , Quoth he , more easily than the Moon . And Venus playes : he told , she sayes , Fore●oe me now , come to me soon . 5. But no promise nor prosession , From his hands could purchase scope ; Who would sell the sweet possession Of such beauty for a hope ? Or for the sight of lingring nigh● , Foregoe the present Joyes of Noon , Though ner'e so faire , her speeches were , Foregoe me now , come to me soon . 6. How at last agreed these lovers , He was ●aire , and she was young , Ton●●● ma● tell what eye discovers , Joy●●●●●seen are never sung . Did she consent , Or he relent , Accepts he night , or grants she noon , Left he her mayd , or not ? she said Foregoe me now , come to me soon . The Saylers Song . 1. The raging waves , and roaring wind ( My Mates ) I list no longer hide , A gentler passage now I find , And Saile upon a calmer tide Of Neptunes man , his mate I prove , And serve with him the master love . 2. My bosome now my Ocean is , Wherein my Amorous thoughts do steere , My hopefull heart in waves of blisse , Whereto her voice and smiling cleare . My wind and weather be : Her eyes Are both my Loadstar , and my Prize . 3. No saile , nor wind , nor Sun I need , Her favours pass the silken Saile , Her smiles the Sunshine day exceed , And her sweet voice the softest gale ? I take no height of starres above , Nor seek adventures , but her love . 4. And if her heart I compass can , VVhere I my hopes have Anchor'd all ; He that the ●leece of Cholchos wan , Made voyage poorer than I shall , By how much living Pearl's above Dead gold , and wealth is short of love . To Live and dye . 3. A Creature so strange , so wretched a one As I Can there be sound , For now alas I live , and anon I die , Feeling no wound ; When but a look of my love I gaine , O what a life it doth infuse ! But when I tast of her sharpe disaine , O how I dye , how can I chuse ? 2. Like as the Sun gives life to the flowers , VVhen May Painteth the field , So when she smiles , her eye like the powers , Of Joy Doth to me yeild , But as the Autumn's envious raine , Soon doth the summers pride confuse Dasht with the stormes of her Disdaine , So do I dye , how can I chuse . 3. Then 't is no wonder that here is a man , Can live Now , and now dye ; Since there 's a beauty that life and death can Both give Out of her Eye Ler her the wonder of time remaine , And that I live let no man muse , VVhile she me loves ; and if she disdaine , Must not I dye , how can I chuse ? 4. Has not her favour force to revive A heart Dying with paine ? And has her ●corne not power to deprive That part Of life againe ? Is there not life and death in her frame B●th at her powerfull will to use , Then at her powerfull will I am , Living or dead , how can I chuse ? The hunting of the Gods. 1. SOngs of Shepheards , and Rusticall Roundlayes , Form'd of san●yes , and whistled on reedes , 〈◊〉 ; to Solace young Nimphs upon holy dayes , Are too unworthy for wonderfull deeds . 〈◊〉 Ingenious ●r winged Cylenius His lofty Genius , May seem to declare , In verse better coyn'd , And voice more refin'd How States devin'd , Once hunted the Ha●e . ●●●rs Enam●●●'d wi●h Pastimes Olympi●all , 〈◊〉 and Planets that beautifull shone , Would no longer that earthly men only shall Swim in pleasure , and they but look on ; Round about horned Lucina they swarmed , And her informed How minded they were ; Each God and Goddesse , To take humane bodyes , As Lords and Ladies , To follow the Hare . 3 , Chast Diana applauded the Motion , And pale Proserpinae set in her place , Lights the Welkin , and governs the Ocean , While she conducted her Nephewes in chace , And by her Example , Her Father to trample The old and ample Earth , leave the aire , Neptune the Water , The Wine Liber Pater , And Mars the slaughter , To follow the Hare . 4. Light god Cupid was hor●●● upon Pegasus , Borrow'd of Muses with kisses and prayers , Strong Alcides upon cloudy Caucasus , Mounts a Centaure that proudly him beares . Postillian of the skye , Light heel'd Mercury , Makes his Courser fly Fleet as the aire , Yellow Apollo , The Kennel doth follow , And whoop and hollow After the hare Hymen ushers the Ladies ; Astreaa The Just , took hands with Minerva the bold ; Ceres the brown , with bright Cytherea ; With Thet is the wanton , Bellona the old ; Shamefac't Aurora , With subtil Pandora ; And May with Flora , Did company beare ; Iuwo was stated , Too high to be mated , But yet she hated Not hunting the hare . 6. Drown'd Narcissus , from his Metamorphosis Rais'd by Eccho , new manhood did take ; Snoring Somnus upstarted in Cineris , That this thousand year was not awake , To see club-footed Old Mulciber booted , And Paen promoted On Chirons Mare ; Proud Faunus pouted , And AEolus shouted , And Momus flouted , But follow'd the Hare . Deep Melompus , and cunning Ichnobates , ●●pe , and Tigre , and Harpy● the skyes Rent wit roaring , Whilst huntsman-like Hercules ●inds the plentifull horne to their cryes , Till with varieties , To solace their Pieties , The wary Deities Repos'd them where We shepheards were seated , And there we repeated , What we conceited Of their hunting the Hare . Young Amintas suppos'd the Gods came to breath ( After some battels ) themselves on the ground , ●●rsis thought the stars came to dwell here beneath , And that hereafter the earth would go round , Coridon aged , With Phillis ingaged , Was much inraged With jealous despaire ; But fury vaded , And h● was perswaded , When I thus applauded Their hunting the Hare . 9. Starr's but Shadows were , state were but sorrow Had they no Motion , nor that no delight ; Joyes are lovial , delight is the marrow Of life , and Action the Axle of might . Pleasure depends Upon no other friends , And yet freely lends To each vertue a share , Only as measures , The Jewell of pleasures , Of pleasure the treasures Of hunting the Hare . 10. Three broad Bowles to the Olympical Rector , His Troy borne Eagle he brings on his knee , Iove to Phoebus Carowses in Nector , And he to Hermes , and Hermes to me ; Wherewith infused , I pip'd and I mused , In songs unused This sport to declare ; And that the Rouse of Iove , Round as his Sphere may move , Health to all that love Hunting the Hare . The Reading Beauty . ● AS to these lines she lent a lovely look , Whereon not minding me she mused , ●er faire Aspect became my book , And I her eyes ( as they these lines ) perused ; ●ove songs she read , to learn what love should be , And faster than she read she taught it me . 2. For as no studyed rules like starrs above Can teach the knowledg of the skyes . To dive into the depth of love , There is no rule , no learning like her Eyes : Why stoops she then to things below her reach ? Why reads she love , that she her self can teach ? 3. Alas though we no other learning need In love , that may behold her face ; She seeing not her selfe must read , To see what we so much desire to embrace . O that her selfe she saw : but O why so ? She otherwise her self ●●o much doth know . 4. Some nicer lover would to see her muse Bare envy to that happy book Whereon she seems to doate , and use To grant her slander by but halse her locke : But such to me let her aspect be still ; If one eye wounds so sore , two eyes will kill . The more then Faire . 1. BE more kind than you are , Sweet love , or else lesse faire , So shall I feel lesse care , And you be no lesse rare . To wound the heart . Is beauties part ; But to restore The love-sick sore , Is to be more than saire 2. If possible it were Not to be what you ar● Be more kind , or lesse saire , Use lips , and eyes forbeare ; Your smiles are Lures , My eyes adore , But lipps implore : The kind are more than faire . The Beauteous are not faire , ●hose coyness breeds despaire ; 〈◊〉 those that freindly are , 〈◊〉 beauteous , though not faire , Since to be kind , A beauteous mind , Doth best explore ; Be kind therefore , And be far more than faire . No longer let my care ●nsume my love in aire , 〈◊〉 kindnesse to me bare , ●●at I may say and swear Os such as are But only faire , I knew before , The world had store . But you are more than faire Bright eyes and smiles to beare , 〈◊〉 but a common weare : 〈◊〉 you without compare , Will be as kind as faire , And make me then More blessed than men , As far as ore , Your sexes store , Your selfe are more than faire . Of Jonny and Jinny . 1. THe pretty sweet Iinny sate on a Hill , Where Ionny the swain her see ; He tun'd his quill , and sung to her still , Whoop Jinny come down to me . 2. Though Ionny the valley , and Iinny the Hill , Kept far above his degree ; He bore her good will , and sung to her still , Whoop Jinny come down to me . 3. But high was she seated , and so was she minded , His heart was humble as he ; Her pride had her blinded , his love had him bended , Whoop Jinny , &c. 4. The mountain is bare , and subject to aire , Here meddowes , here shaddowes be ; There burneth the Sun , here Rivers do run , Whoop Jinny &c. 5. All flowers do grace the vallyes greenface , The mountain hath none but thee ; Why wilt thou grow there , and all the rest here ? Whoop Jinny &c. 6. Narcissus his rose , Adonis here growes , That may thy examples be , Since they be came slaine , for pride and disdaine , Whoop Jinny &c. 7. There Jinny keeps sheep , here Ionny will keep Thy selfe and thy slock for thee ; If Ionny be worthy to keep thy slock for thee , Whoop Jinny &c. 8. But pretty sweet Iinny was lov'd of so many , That little delight had she To think upon Ionny , that thought her so bonny , Whoop Jinny &c. 9. Though Iinny thought ill of Ionny's good will , Yet Ionny to Iinny was free ; He followes quill , and he hollowes her still , Whoop Jinny come down to me . A Song . 1. O Love whose force and might No power ere withstood ; Thou forcest me to write , Come turne about Robbin hood . 2. Her Cresses that were wrought Most like the go●den sn●re , My loving heart has caught ; As Mos did catch the Mare . 3. Grant pitty , else I dye , Love so my heart bewitches , With griefe I 'le howle and cry , O how my elbow Itches . 4. Teares overflow my sight With Floods of daily weeping , That in the silent night I cannot rest for sleeping . 5. What is 't I would not do To purchase one sweet smile ; Bid me to China go , Faith I 'le sit still the while . 6. But since that all reliefe And comfort doth forsake me , I 'le kill my self with grief , Nay then the Devil take me . 7. Mark well my dolefull hap , Iove , Rector of the Thunder , Send down a fiery clap , And tear her smock asunder . The Rhodomontade , I Le tell you of a L●●t , With ● N●se live a Spout , Which some c●ll a s●out , And was so siout , That he had often sought , Full many about , With many asc●●● , And at 'em would sh●●● , Then put 'um to 〈◊〉 Nay beat ' 〈…〉 , Though in a greet 〈…〉 , At men he would ●ront , And at women 〈…〉 , His sood still was 〈◊〉 , Which bred him the gout He was a true trout To good Alc when he mout And did allways allow'● This yo● must not doubt I 've heard him to vow 't As he went in and out . And his Wife . HIs Wise's name was Grac● And had a good Face Yet had but little grace , Shee 'd kiss in any place , Nay , to gather a brace , Which some say is base , And some did her ch●c● Into a pittifull case , She lov'd Cloves and Mace He● father car'd the Mace For the Mayor in a place She still wears lace , And will keep on her pace When she 〈◊〉 a race For a very great space She fishes with a dace When she takes any place When she dances she 'l race She 'l not ba●e you an ace Of the truth of this she says . The Sonne Jack . Their sons name was Jack Who was very black And got many a knack And seldome did lack Vnlesse Milk cal'd la● At Card●s he would pack And was counted a qu●e● Nay , bin brought to the rack , For siring a 〈◊〉 Of corn , in a back Side , like a mad back Made 's bones to crack Nay sometimes to cack , Till they gav● him som sack Nay , they h●ld him ●ack And did him thwac● And never did slack Till he went to wrack , Yet with 's lips he would smack And 〈◊〉 is true of Jack . The Daughter Nel. Their daughters nams Nel Who poor thing did dwell Full long in a Cell And there t was she fell That one rang her knell Being sallen into Hell The devills to quell And there I do smell That sh● then did sell Her ware very well She made 'em to yell And likewise to swell So they writ on a Sh●ll A very great Spell At long as an ●ll That she bore 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 For abusing in h●ll She had no 〈◊〉 A'l this her self did tell , And all d●ne by Nell . A Song . Come hang up your care , and cast away sorrow ; Drink on , hee 's a so● that e're thinks of tomorrow : Good store of Terse-Claret s●upplyes every thing , For a man that is drunk is as great as a King ; Let no one with Crosses , or Losses repine , But take a full dose of the juice of the Wine . Diseases and troubles are nere to be found , But in the damp place where the glass goes not round . A SONG . The Tune , I 'le go no more to the New Exchange . NEver will I wed a Girle that 's coy , Nor one that is too free ; But she alone shall be my joy , That keeps a mean to me ; For if too Coy , then I must court For a kisse as well as any ; And if too free , I fear o' th' Sport I then may have too many . 2. Nelly a Girle was proud and coy , But what good got she by it ? VVhen they 'd a mind to kisse and toy , Then shee 'd be still unquiet ; For of the four or five she had , They all have left her now , Her impertinent tricks did make 'em madd And so t wou'd me , or you . 3. Nanny was a Lasse that was too free , And amorous withall ; Shee 'd ne're with any disagree , But ready at their call ; That some her freeness did impute Unto good nature in her , Others have said , without dispute Shee 'd prove a private sinner . 4. Then for a Girle , that 's not too free , Or Coy , but at my call ; Yet handsome I wou'd have her be , And oblieging unto all ; That I may never say I have wed A Girle that 's starcht with Pride , Or sool , or ugly , or ill bred , I 'de rather want a Bride . An Invitation to enjoyment . 1. COme , O come , I brook no stay , He doth not love that can delay ; See how the stealing night , Hath blotted out the light , And Tapers do supply the day . 3. See the first ' Tapers almost gone , Thy flame like that will strait be none And I as it expire , Not able to hold fire , She looseth time that lyes alone 4. O let us cherish then these powers , Whilst we may yet call them ours ; Then we best spend our time , When no dull zealous Chime , But sprightful kisses strike the houres . The Rurall Dance about the May-pole . The Tune , the first Figure dance at Mr. Young's Ball in May 1671. 1. COme lasses and ladds , Take leave of your Dadds , And away to the May-pole hey ; For every he Has got him a she With a Minstrill standing by ; For Willy has gotten his Iill , And Ionny has got his Ione , To jigg it , jigg it , jigg it , jigg it , Jigg it up and down . 2. Strike up sayes Wat , Agreed sayes Kate , And I prethee Fidler play , Content sayes Hodge , And so sayes Madge : For this is a Holliday . Then every man did put His Hat off to his Lasse , And every Girle did curchy . Curchy , curchy on the Grasse . 3. Begin sayes Hall , I , l , says Mall , Wee 'l lead up Packintons pound ; No no , says Noll , And so says Doll , Wee 'l first have Scllengers round ; Then every man began to foot it round about ; And every Girle did jet it , jet it , jet it in and out . 4. Y' are out , says Dick , 'T is a lye , says Nick , The Fidler playd it false ; 'T is true , says Hugh , And so says Sue , And so says nimble Alice ; The Fidler then began to play the Tune agen , And every Girle did trip it , trip it , trip it to the men . Le ts kiss , says Iane , Content , says Nan , And so says every she ; How many says Batt , Why three says Matt , For that 's a maidens fee ; Bu● they instead of three did give 'em halfe a score , And they inkindnesse , gave 'em , gave 'em , gave ' em , as many more . 6. Then after an hour They went to a bower And play'd for Ale and Cakes , And kisses too Untill they were due , The Lasses kept the stakes . The Girles did then begin to quarrel with the men , And bid 'em take their kisses back , and give 'em their own agen . 7. Yet there they sate , Until it was late , And tyr'd the Fidler quite , With singing and playing , Without any paying From morning untill night . They told the fidler then they 'd pay him for his play , And each a 2 pence , 2 pence , 2 pence gave him , and went away . The unconstant Lover . 〈◊〉 Tune , the second Figure dance at Mr. Young's Ball May 1671. NOw out upon this constant love , I never was unto 't inclin'd , ● hate within that Sphear to move , Where I to one must be confin'd . ● love to range about , and gaze , And often haunt the parke and playes , A purpose for a Mistress new , Then bid the old one quite adue . 2. For he 's for me , and only he That 's constant to unconst●ancie ; ● day or two I can approve , But after that farewell to love : ●or every thing 's to change inclin●d , As Women , and the Moon , and wind ▪ ●hen why not wee as well as they , Since they have shew'd us all the way . ● . For constancie in Love is thought To bring poor Lovers to their end ; ●hen constancy in Love is naught , When change brings every day a friend . The constant fool is whining still , But never can his fancy fill ; Whilst we can sing , and sport , and play , And change our pleasure every day . A mock to one that drank nothing but Water . The Tune , A lover I 'me born , and a Lover I 'le be . 1. FOr Bacchus I 'me born , and for Bacchus I 'le be And wish from good wine I may n●ver be free ; Let drinking abound , ' ●is wi●e makes the creature , It strengthens the braine , and helps decay'd nature ; For he that by ●●inking can turne the world round ▪ By Bac●hus and 〈◊〉 deserves to be crown'd . 2. With health after health let the glass keep the motion Till ● make our brains dance like a ship on the Ocean When our senses are pal'd , and our reason does fail A little sound sleep will supply a fresh gale . Then wi●h wi●e that is brisk , & a girle that is woon Wee 'l drink , &c wee 'l kiss , & wee 'l never have done . The Drinking Song on two Mistrisses ▪ the one furnish● th●● with wine , and ●'other with money . The Tune , The Gang. ● . COme boyes , leave off your toyes , And trole about the sack ; We know 't is good to chear the blood , And fortifie the back . ●Tis that will make you fat , And cherrish still the braine ; Nay studd the face with such a grace , Like Rubies dy'd in grain . 2. Drink about , 'till all be out The drawer will fill t agen , A ●Pox o' th' Watch , ne're shut the hat●h , The clock has struck but ten ; Then a glasse to th' Jovial lass● , That fill'd our pates with wine ; And here 's another to the tother , That furnish't us with Coine . 3. Come drink , we want no chink , Hark how my pockets sound , Away with 't then , com●●oo't agen , Begin another round ; Then Iack , this Glass of Sack Unto thy pretty Nell ; And here 's to thine , this bowle of wine , Dear Tom , thou lov'st so well . 4. Come says one , le ts all be gone , For our pates are throughly lin'd ; Y●● he was bang'd , nay some say hang'd , That left his drink behind ; Then all , began to call , Come drawer what 's to pay ? Each took the cup , and drank it up , And so they went away . A Song . 1. LEt Fortune and Phillis frown if they please , I 'le no more on their Deities call , Nor trouble the Fates , but give my self ease , And be happy in spight of 'em all ; I will have my Phillis , if I once go about her ; Or if I have not , I 'le live better without her . ● . If she prove vertuous , oblieging and kind , Perhaps I 'le vouchsafe for to love her ; But if Pride or Inconstancy in her I find , I 'de have her to know I 'me above her ; For at length I have learn't , now my fetters are gone , To love if I please , or to let it alone . A SONG . 1. AS I walkt in the woods one evening of late , A Lass was deploring her haplesse estate , In a la●guishing posture poor maid she appears , All swell'd with her sighs●and blub'd with her tears : She sigh'd and she sob'd , and I found it was all , For a little of that which Harry gave Doll . 2. At last she broke out , wretched she said , Will no youth come succour a languishing maid , With what he with ease and with pleasure may give , Without which alass poor I cannot live . Shall I never leave sighing and crying and all , For a little of that which Harry gave Doll . 3. At first when I saw a young man in the place , My colour wou'd fade , and then flush in my Face ; My breath wou'd grow short , and I shiver'd all o're , My brests never popt up and down so before ; I scarce knew for what ▪ but now find it was all , For a little of that which Harry gave Doll . A Song . O The sad Day When friends shall shake their heads , and say Of miserable me : Hark how he Groanes , Look how he pants for breath , See see how he struggles with the pangs of Death ; When they shall say of these dear Eyes , How hollow and how dim they be . Marke how his b●est doth swell and ●ise Against his potent enemy : When some old friend shall step to my beds side , And touch my chill face , & thence shall gently slide ; But when his next companions say , How does he do , what hopes ? shall turne away , Answering only with a lift up ▪ hand , Who who can his fate withstand ? Then shall a Gaspe or two do more Than e're my Rhetorick could before , Perswade the World to trouble me no more , no more , Perswade the world to trouble me no more . A Song . O Sorrow , Sorrow say where dost thou dwell ? In the lowest room of Hell : Art thou born of Humane race ? No , no , I have a furial face : Art thou of City , or Town , or Court ? I to every place resort . Why , O why , into the world was sorrow sent ? Men afflicted best repent . What dost thou seed on ? Broken sleep . What tak'st thou pleasure in ? to weep , To sob , to pine , to groane , To wring my hands , to sit alone . When , O when , shall sorrow quiet have ? Never , never , never , never , Never till she finds a grave , Never 'till she finds a grave , A Song . CHeare up my Mate's , the wind does fairly blow , Clap on more saile , and never spare ; Farewell all Lands , for now we are In the wide Sea of Drink , And marrily , merrily , merrily we go . Blesse me'tis ho● , another bowle of Wine , And we shall Cut the burning Line . Hey boyes she sends away , And by my head I know , We round the world are sailing now . What dulmen are those to tarry at home , When abroad they may wantonly roame , And gain such experience , and spie to Such countries and wonders as I do ? But prethee good Pilot take heed what you do , And fail not to touch at Peru ; With Gold there the vessel wee 'l store , And never never be poor , No never be poor any more . The foolish proud Lover . 1. NOr Love , nor Fate , can I accuse of hate , That my Clariada now is from me gone ; But I confesse , 't is my unworthiness That I in sorrow thus am left alone : I doated on her , and thought to 'a won her , But wo is me I still must think upon her , Which is the cause of all my smart ; She lookt so pretty , and talkt so witty , None that ere I saw in Town or in City Ere like her could thus surprize my heart . 2. Had I set my heart , to have lov'd her but in part , As only to enjoy her angels face , Her curious eye , or cheeks of rosie die , Or lip , or any one peculiar grace ; Butmy sad refusing one , must all be loosing , O that I had us'd discretion in my chusing , Then I might a liv'd , and not a dy'd : But like I●arus I by soaring up too high , With his waxen wings so ne●e the Sun to fly , Am justly punisht for my foolish pride . O you Powers Divine , I 'le offer at your shrine , If you will grant me this when I am gone ; That no punishment on her her may e're be sent , The fault was only mine , and mine alone : Also I do crave , this benefit to have , That this Motto may be fixt upon my grave ; Here 's lyes one by foolish pride was slaine , That who ere comes near may gently shed a tear On my Hearse , and say , O 't was severe , So small offence should breed such mic kle paine , On his Mistresse's Garden of Herbs . HEarts-case , an he●b that sometimes hath bin seen In my Loves garden plot to flourish green , Is dead and wit●er'd with a wind of woe , And bitter Rue in place thereof doth grow : The cause I find to be , because I did Neglect the Herb call'd Time , which now doth bid Me never hope , nor look once more againe To gaine Hearts-case , to ease my heart of paine ; One hope is this , in this my wosul case , My Rue , though bitter , may prove Herbe of grace . The Ita●i●n Pedlar . 1. MAids see what you lack Ere I open my pack , For here is that will please you ; Do you dreame in your beds , Or with your Maiden-heads Be you troubled , I will ease you . 2. Is there any one among These marry'd men strong , Has a head of his Wives making ? I have capps to be worne , that shall cover his ho●ne , And keep his brow fro●●aking . 3. Does any man mistrust , that his wife is unjust , Or that she loves to be ranging ? I have that in my box , which excee 's Italian locks , 'T will keep her Chast : that 's a strange thing . 4. Is there any woman here , has bin married a year , And not bin made a Mother ? I have that at my back , shall supply her of that lack , And I 'le use her sor't , like a Brother . 5. I have fine Gloves for you and your Loves , Bands , Handkerchers , and Laces ; And I've Knots and Roses , and many pretty posies ▪ And mask ▪ for your bad faces . 6. I have sine bodkins to , that I can furnish you , To keep your Coises from tearing ; And I have precious stones , ordained for the nonce , Will delight you in the wearing . 7. I have that wherewith if you well rub your Teeth , They will look like Alabafter ; And powder for your hair , that will make you look fair ▪ I wender you come no faster . Then come away , and do not stay , For hence I must I tell you ; or when that I am gone , you will hardly find one That such precious Ware can sell you . In pra●se of the Black-Iack . 1. BE your liquor small , or as thick as mudd , The cheating bottle cryes , good , good , good , Whereat the master begins to storme , 'Cause he said more than he could performe , And I wish that his heires may never want Sack , That first devis'd the bonny black Jack . 2. No Tankerd , Flaggon , Bottle nor Jugg Are halfe so good , or so well can hold Tugg , For when they are broke or full of cracks , Then they must fly to the brave black Jacks , And I wish that his , &c. 3. When the Bottle and Jack stands together , O fie on 't , The Bottle looks just like a dwarfe to a Gyant ; Then had we not reason Jacks to chuse , For this ' l make Boots , when the Bottle mends shooes , And I wish &c. 4. And as for the bottle you never can fill it Without a Tunnell , but you must spill it , 'T is as hard to get , in as 't is to get out : T is not so with a Jack , for it runs like a spout . 5. And when we have drank out all our store , The Jack goes for Barme to brew us some more ; And when our Stomacks with hunger have bled , Then it marches for more to make us some bread , And I wish &c. 6. I now will cease to speak of the Jack , But hope his assistance I never shall lack , And I hope that now every honest man , Instead of Jack will y'clip him Iohn , And I wish that his heirs may never want Sack , That first devis'd the bonny black Iack. A SONG . 1. CAElia I lov'd thee Though in vain you boast ; But since I have prov'd thee , I find my labour lost , Many may to love pretend ; But you will never find , Seek country o're , try any freind , One half so true , so kind ; 2. Farewell unkind one , Since you so designe , And see if ●ou can find one , Whose love can equal mine ; If by chance you meet a man , That m●y your fancy take , Be wise , be kind , do what you can , And love him for my sake ; Yet in your chiefest pleasure think How my poor heart doth ake . 3. Each hour sporting , Nothing can be more ; Each minute courting , Like one ne●e lov'd before . But should he forsake his nest , And being wellfeather d fly From you , to be anothers guest , You 'd sigh , and with me cry , I lov'd , and was not lov'd again . And so for love must die . The Jealous , but mistaken Girle . To the Scotch tune also . 1. PRethee tell me Phillis , Why so pensive now , I see that sadness still is Fixt upon thy brow ▪ And those charming eyes That were of late so bright , In sighs and tears , And other fears , Have almost lost their sight ; Let this suffice , I sympathize With thee both day and night . 2. Damon dost thou aske it , Thou art the cause of all , Therefore do not mask it , For thou hast wrought my fall ; For I gave thee a Ring Which thou hast Coelia gave , Our true-loves band , T was on her hand , Which Ring thy life did save ; But wo is me , Thy falsitie Has brought me to my grave . 3. Damon then began On Phillis for to smile , She call'd him perjur'd man , And should no more beguile , No my dearest Phill , I blame thy Jealousie ; Our true-loves band 〈◊〉 my hand Which thou didst give to me ; And Coridon Made Coelia one , By that which came from thee . 4. Long she sate ashamed , And hid her bashfull head ; Her jealousie she blamed , And said she was but dead , Unlesse that gentle Damon Pardon this offence , And let me rest Upon his brest , And there my suite commence ; I shall not doubt To sue it out Before I came from thence . ● . Then he did embrace her , And gave her kis●es store , And vow'd that he would place her Where none was ere before , That is , within his heart , Which none shou d e're remove ▪ In spite of fate Would be her mate , And constant be in love , And I say she As true to thee , As is the Turtle-Dove . The Faire but Cruel Girle . 1. THe Nymph that undoes me is fair and unkind , No lesse than a wonder by nature design'd ; She 's the grief of my heart , but joy of my eye , The cause of my flame , that never can dye . 2. Her Lips , from whence wit obligingly flowes , Has the colour of Cherryes , and smell of the Rose ; Love and Destiny both attends on her will , She saves with a smile , with a frown she can kill . 3. The desperate Lover can hope no red●esse , Where beauty and rigour , are both in excesse : In Coelia they meet , so unhappy am I ; Who sees her must love , who loves her must die . The Bathing Girles : To the common Galliard Tune . 1. IT was in Iune , and 't was on Barnaby Bright too , A time when the days are long , and nights are short , A ●rew of merry Girles , and that in the night too , Resolv●d to wash in a river , and there to sport ; And there ( poore things ) they then resolv●d to be merry too , And with them did bring good store of jun-ketting stuffe , As Bisket , and Cakes , and Suger , and Syder , and Perry too , Of each such a quantity , that was more than enough . 2. But mark what chanc●t unto this innocent crew then , Who thought themselves secure from any eare ; They knew 't was dark , that none cou d take a view then , And all did seem to be voyd of any feare ; Then every one uncas'd themselves , both smock & all And each expected first who should begin ; And that they might stay but an houre , they told the Clock and all : Then all in a Te-he-ing vaine did enter in . ● . But now comes out the Tale I meant to tell ye , For a Crew of Jovial Lads were there before , And finding there some viands for their belly , They eas'd em then poor hearts of all their store ; Then every Lad sate down upon the Grasse there , And whisper'd thanks to th' Girls for their good Cheare ▪ In which they drank a health to every Lass there , That then were washing & rinsing without any fear . 4. And when they had pleas'd ( and fill'd ) their bellies and pallats too , They back did come unto the foresaid place , And took away their Smocks , and both their Wallets too ▪ Which brought their good Bubb , and left them in pittifull case , For presently they all came out toth ' larder there , That it put 'em unto their shifts their Smocks to find ; I think , says one , my shift is a little farder there , I , I , sayes another , for yours did lye by mine . 5. At last , says one , the Divel a smock is here at all , The Devil , a bit of bread , or drop of drink , They 've took every morsel of our good cheare and all And nothing but Gowns and Petticoats left , as I think , At last , says one , if they 'd give us our Smocks agen , And likewise part of what we hither brought , We shall be much oblieg d , and think'em Gentlemen , And by this foolish example be better taught . 6. Although in the River they were as many as crickets there , 'Twixt laughing and fretting their state they did condole ; And then came one of the Lads from out of the thickets there And told 'em hee 'd bring 'em their smocks , and what was stole , They only with Petticoats on , like Jipsies were clad then , He brought 'em their Smocks , and what he had promis'd before . They fell to eat , and drink as if they 'd been mad there , And glad they were all , they 'd got so much of their store . 7. And when they all had made a good repast there , They put on their cloths , and all resolv'd to be gone ; Then out comes all the ladds in very great hast there , And every one to the other then was known ; The girles did then conjure the ladds that were there , To what had past their lipps shou●d still be seal●d , Nay more than that they made 'em all to swear there , To which they did , that nothing should be reveal d. 8. Then each at other did make a pass at kissing then , And round it went to every one level coile , But thinking that at home they might be missing then , And fear'd that they had stay'd too great a while ; Then hand in hand they alltogether marcht away , And every lad convey'd his Mistris home , Agen they kist , then every Lass her man did pray , That what had past , no more of that but Mum. The unparalel'd Lady : The Tune , 'Twixt Greece and Troy. 1. VVHen first I saw my Coeli'as face , O how my heart was Inflam'd with love ; I deem'd her of no humane race , But Angell-like drop't from above ; Her Star-like eyes with their Glim'ring glances Then shin'd so bright , Like the greatest Comet , when we look upon i● 'Till it takes away the sight . 2. Her Nose is like a Promontory , Which over-looks some pleasant place , Her Cheeks like Roses in their glory , And Teeth of Oriental race ; Her Corall lipps , like the Cherryes when They 're growing on the Tree ; But the greatest Bliss is , Thence to gather kisses , Wou'd the cropp belong'd to me . 3. And underneath her snow-white neck , There you may find an Ivory Plaine , On which two Christal mounts are set Tipt with a Ruby-fount in graine , This is the place , which formerly was Call'd the milky-way . O that I might tipple still At such a Nipple , And forever there might s●ay . 4. Her hands are of so pure a white , That with the Swan they dare to vie ; But when upon a Lu●e they light , Then you will hear such Harmony : But when her voice and that together Then play their parts , You 'd think the Spheres united , And thither had invited All , to Captivate their hearts . 5. Her feet were so Epitomiz'd , Like peeping-mice did still appear , That all the crew were then surpriz'd To see her dance a measure there ▪ She mov'd so well , you 'd think she had not Danc't then , but flown : I would spend a Talent , For to be her Gallant , And call her still mine own . The Politick Girle . The Tune The Duke of Mo●mouths Iigge . 1. MY dearest Katy , prethee be but constant now , And whatsoe're is pa●t , I shall forget I vow ; Do thou be kind , and give me but thy hand upon 't , And for my faith thou need'st not doubt or stand upon 't ; I 'le furnish thee with all the Cakes in season s●ill , And whatsoe're thou shalt desire in reason still ; Nay more than that , thy Annal due I 'le pay to thee , And in all moderate things will still give way to thee . 2. I must confess thy Pension came but flow of late , Which is the cause I think that thou didst change thy mate ; For when the Sinewy-part of love is took away , We know the strength thereof will lessen every day : But now thou know'st the Tide is turn'd my Bonny Kate , My fathers dead , and we shall want no mony Kate ; For he by Will has made me heire of all my dear , That we no more in debt I hope shall fa●l my dear . 3. Thou seest how plainly now I 've told my mind to thee , And also find'st that I will still be kind to thee ; What Remora then can stop the course of joining now Our hearts and hands , come Katy no repining now ; She told him then , do you forgive but my past faults , And I will likewise pardon all your by past faults ; He call'd her then his Mistriss and his goddess to , And then they join'd their hands & lip 's & body to . 4. Thus have you seen this jarring couple now agree , And all mistakes are now knit up in Amitie , She slighted all addresses he did make to her . Because she found his purse could never speak to her ; But when she saw the Ginny birds to fly agen , She then resolv'd the knot of love to ●ye agen , And so 't will last 'till all the birds are fled and gone , Then march her self , and give it out she 's dead and gone , The Amorous Girle . To the Tune of The crab of the wo●d . 1. THere 's none so pretty , As my sweet Betty , She bears away the Bell ; For sweetness and neatnesse , And all compleatness , All other Girles doth excell . 2. When ever we meet , Shee 'l lovingly greet Me still with a how dee' doe ; Well I thank you , quoth I , Then she will reply , So am I Sir the better for you 3. I askt her how , She told me , not now , For walls had cares and eyes ▪ Nay she bid me take heed , What ever I did , For 't is good to be merry and wise . 4. Then I took her by th' hand , Which she did not withstand , And I gave her a smirking kiss ; She gave me another Just like the tother ; Quoth I , what a comfort is this ? 5. This put me in heart To play o're my part That I had intended before ; But she bid me to hold , And not be too bold , Untill she had fastned the doore . 6. Then she went to the Hatch , To see that the Latch And cranies were all cocksure , And when she had done , She bid me come on , For now we were both secure . 7. And what we did there , I dare not declare , But think that silence is best ; And if you will know , Why I kist her , or so , But I 'le leave you to guess at the rest . The two vertuous Sisters : The Tune The Gun-steet . 1. MY Cozen Moll 's an arrant whore , And so is her sister Kate , They kickt their mother out o dore , And broke their Fathers pate ; And all because they crav'd a bit , I mean a bit alone Sir , For they with a bit would give 'em a knock , That 's a bit and a knock , or none Sir. 2. They 'r cleanly too , I needs must say , As any Girles i' th towne . They sweep the house a new found way , That 's once a quarter round ; So fine 't is kept , that when 't is swept , I speak ● in their defence Sir , ▪ T will yeild at a spur● , in dust and dirt . Come fourteen or fifteen pen●● 〈◊〉 . 3. So fine and neate they dresse the●● meat , I thought it alway●● best To let it alone , till all was gone , And then to eat the rest ; For he that puts a bit in his guts , And did but see the dressing , No Physick could e're give a vomit so cleare , Which I think is a notable blessing . 4. Some Whores are counted shifters to ▪ But they did hate 'em all , They shift their Smocks with much adoe But every Spring and Fall. They say 't is good to cleanse the blood , And think 'em worth the turning , And when they 're black upon their back , They call it inside mourning . 5. They will be drunk a little to , I mean but twice a day , They I swear and roare , and drink and spew , And then they down will lay ; And so they 'l sleep , ▪ till day gin peep , Then call for more by dozens , And to my freind there s now an end Of both my dirty Cozens . The beneficial wedding . The Tune , Phil : Porters dreame . ANd I have a mind to be marry'd , And so has you know who , Wee both too long have tarry'd , And therefore I mean to woe : Then I did give her a Buss , And she gave me a ring , And so we bust , and kist and bust , And kist like any thing . 2. Her Grandsire gave her a Cow , And her Grannam a Ewe and Lambe , She say'd shee l suckle it too , Untill it had left the dam ; Her Uncle gave her a hogge , Her Aunt a Teeming Sow , For Bacon and sowse , to keep the house , And make em puddings enow . 3. Her father gave her a Gowne , Her Mother a Petticote , Which was of a mingl d brown , The best that cou'd be bought , Her brother gave her a Cock , And her sister a breeding Hen , To tread and breed , and breed and tread . And tread , and breed agen . 3. Her Cozen took a Care , To give her a Rug was new , His wife did give her a paire Of Sheets and Blankets too ; But she had a speciall friend That was a young Upholster , You must not know the reason now , Did give her a Bed , and a Bolster . 4. A friend did give her a Wastcoat , And Hose , and Shooes , and Hat , Another did give her a la●'t Coat , But 't is no matter for that So long as 't is our own , No matter how it come , They keep her fine , and give her VVine ▪ But no more of that but Mum. 5. Another did take her a house , and pay d a Twelvemonths Ren● , And furnis●'d me and my spouse With what at the Wedding was spent ; Then we desir'd to know , What trade we both should drive ; They say'd good Ale wou'd neve● fail If ever we meant to thrive . 6. We both are ●itted now I think , With store of houshold stuff , And likewise cloths and meat and drink As much as is enough ; But if we chance to want , My Wife has store of freinds , Which I connive at , because they 'r private , And so our Wedding ends . A SONG . 1. GEt you gone , you will und● me , If you love me ●on't p●●●ue me , Let that inclination ●erish , Which I dare ●o longer ● errish , Be content y'av● won the 〈◊〉 , 'T were base to hurt me , now I yield . 2. With harmless thoughts I did begin , But in the crow'd love 〈…〉 I knew him not , 〈…〉 , So innocent , ●o full of play . Is ported thus with young desire , Chear'd with his light , freed from his fire . 3. But now his teeth and clawes are grown , Let me this fatal Lyon shun ; You found me harmless , leave me so , For were I not , you 'd leave me too ; But when you change remember still , 'T was my misfortune not my will. A SONG . Being an Answer to give o're foolish heart , or were the Gods so severe , and to t●at Tune . 1. HE 's a fool in his heart , that takes any care Of Womens vain words be they never so fair ; Though she sigh and pretends unto Love ne'r so long , Shee s double in heart , and betrays with her Tongue : They still are as false as they were heretofore , Their nature is such , they can ne'r give it o're . 2. They would by their craft's of which they have store , Inveigle mens hearts their looks to adore , And if they once find they cannot prevail , Overcharg'd with despight their faces grow pale ; There 's nothing that can their fancy please more , Than to see foolish men their feature adore . 3. They would by their frowns to observance perswade , The men they do fancy their slaves they have made , And to be sure they will Tyranize more , If a man do but once their pitty implore . Why then should we men frail Women adore , Since their pride is so great , and their pitty no more , 4. But sure all that Sex can ne'r prove so vain , To sport or delight in a true-lovers pain ; When a languishing eye in a Lover they view To their cruelty sure , they must needs bid adieu ; Where good humour I find , I there will adore , Say the world what it will , I will never give o're . A mock to the Song of Harry gave Doll , and to that Tune . 1. AS I walk t in the woods one Evening of late , A Girl was deploring her hapless estate ; ●he sigh'd and she sob'd ; Ah! wretched she said , Will no youth come sucker la anguishing Maid ? Shall I sigh and cry , and look pale and wan , And languish for ever for want of a man ? Shall I sigh and cry and look pale and wan , And languish &c. 2. Alas when I saw a young man in the place , My colour did fade , and then flusht in my face , My breath wou d grow short , and I shiver'd all o're , I thought 't was an Ague , but alas it was more : For e're since I have sigh'd , and do what I can , I find I must Languish for want of a man ; For e're since I have sigh'd ; and do what I can , I find I must , &c. 3. In bed all the night , I weep on my pillow , To see some Maids happy , whilst I wear the Willow , I revenge my self on the innocent sheet , Wherein I have oft made my teeth for to meet , But I fear 't is in vain ▪ let ●●e do what I can , I must languish for ever for want of ● man ; But in my dispair , I 'le dye if I can And languish no longer for want of a man. A Late Song . 1. HOw charming are those pleasant pains , Which the successful lover gains . O● how the Longing spirit flyes , On scorching sighs from dying eyes , Whose intermixing rayes impart , Loves welcome message from the heart ? 2. Then how the Active pulse growes warm To every s nse gives the allarm But oh the rashness , and the qualmes When Love unites the melting Palmes ! What extasies , what hopes and feares , What pretty talk , and Amorous tears ? 3. To these a thousand vows succeed , And then , O me , still we proceed , 'Till sense and souls are bath'd in bliss , Think dear Aminda think on this , And curse those hours we did not prove The ravishing delights of Love. A Theatre Song . I Must confess not many years ago . 'T was death when e're my Mistress answear●d no ; Then I was subject to her Female yoak , And stood or fell by every word she spoke ; But now I find the Intregues of love to be , Nought but the Follies of our infancy . 2. I can a Rich or handsome Lady Court , Either for my convenience or for sport ; But if the one be proud or the other Coy , I cannot break my sleep for such a Toy ; My heart is now for all assaults prepar d , And will not be commanded or insnar'd . The new Song in Charles the eighth set by Mr. Pelham Humphrey's . OH love if ere thou wilt ease a heart That ownes thy power Divine , And bleeds with thy too cruel dart , Take pitty now on mine ; Under thy Shades I fainting lye , A thousand times I wish'd to die ; But when I find cold death too nigh , I grieve to lose my pleasing pain And call my wishes back again . And thus as I sat all alone In the shady mirtle Grove ; And to each gentle sigh and moan Some neighbouring Eccho gave a groan , Came by the man I love ; O how I strove my greif to hide , I panted , blusht and almost dyed . And did each tatling Ecchoe chide , For fear some breath of moving air Should to his ears my sorrow bear . And Oh you powers , I dye to gain But one poor panting kiss , Glad yet I 'de be on racks of paine , Ere I 'de one thought or wish retain That honour thinks amiss : Thus are poor maids unkindly us'd , By love and nature both abus'd , Our tender hearts all ease refuse ; And when we burn with secret flame , Must bear our greifs , or dye with shame . On his Mistris that lov'd Hunting . 1. LEave Coelia , leave the woods to chase , 'T is not a sport , nor yet a place For one that has so sweet a face . 2. Nets in thy hand , Nets in thy brow , In every limb a snare , and thou Dost lavish them thou car'st not how . 3. Fond Girle these wild haunts are not best To hunt : nor is a Savage beast A fit prey for so sweet a breast . 4. O do but cast thine eyes behind , I 'le carry thee where then shalt find A tame heart of a better kind . 5. One that hath set soft snares for thee , Snares where if once thou fettered be , Thou ● never covet to be free . 6. The Dews of April , the VVinds of May That flowr's the Meads , and glads the Day , Are not more soft , more sweet than they . 7. And when thou chancest for to kill , Thou needst not fear no other ill Than Turtles suffer when they Bill . On a Scriv'ner . HEre to a period is a Scriv'ner come ; This is his last sheet , full point and total sum Of all aspersions , I excuse him not , 'T is plain , he liv'd not without many a blot ; Yet he no ill example shew'd to any , But rather gave good coppies unto many . He in good Letters allwayes had been bred , And hath writ more , then many men have read . He Rulers had at his command by law , Although he could not hang , yet he could draw . He did more , Bondmen make then any , A dash of 's pen alone did ruine many , That not without all reason we may call His letters great or little , Capitall ; Yet t is the Scrivner s fate as ●ure as Just , When he hath all done , then he falls to dust . On a Sexton . I many graves have made , yet injoy'd none , This which I ma e not , I possess'd alone ; Each corps withoug imbalming it did serve My life like precious balsome to preserve ; But death then kind was , now cruel found I have ; Robbing me of life , without my living grave ; And yet 't was kind still to , for in the grave Where once I labour had , now peace I have ; I made good use of time , and night and day Took care and heed , how th' hours go away , I still was ready for a grave , nor shall I grieve at what I most joy'd , a Funeral As I was wont , no not so prone as then , Out of the grave I shall arise agen . On a FART . I Sing the praises of a Fart , That I may doo 't by terms of Art ; I will invoke no deitie , But butter'd Pease and Furmetie ; And think their help sufficient To fit and furnish my intent ; When Virgils gnat , and Ovids flea , And Homers frog strove for the day ; There is no reason in my mind , Why a Fart should come behind , Since that we may it paralel , With any thing that doth excell ; Musi●k is but a Fart that s sent , From the guts of an Instrument ; The Scholler Farts , when he gains Learning with cracking of his Brains , And when he hath spent much pain and oyl , Thomas and others to reconcile , For to learn the distracting art . What doth he get by it ? not a Fart ; The thunder that does roar so loud Is but the Farting of a Cloud ; And if withall the wind do stirr up Rain , then 't is a Farting Sirrup ; The Soldier makes his foes to run , With bu● the farting of a Gun , That 's if he make the Bullets whistle , Else 't is no better then a sizle ; ●ine boats that by the times about , Are but Farts several Docks let out ; They are but Farts , the words we say , Words are but words , and so are they ; Farts are as good as Land , for both We hold in Tail , and let 'em both ; As soon as born they by and by Fart-like bu● only sing and dye ; Applause is but a Fart , the rude Blast of the whole multitude ; And what is working Ale I pray ; But Farting Barme , which makes a way Out at the bunghole , by farting noise , When we do hear it's sputtring voice ; And when new drank , and without hopps , It makes us fart , and seldom stops . I more of Farts would write I vow ; But for my gutts I cannot now , For now they wonderfully rumble , And my stomack begins to grumble , Which makes me think that Farts e're long Will at my nock there find a Tongue , And there sing out their own praises , In thundring and in choaking Phrases ; Where I leave them , and them to you , And so I bid you all adieu . What I have said take in good part , If not , I do not care a Fart . Silence the best Wooer . 1. WRong not dear Empress of my heart , The merits of true passion , With thinking that he feels no smart , That sues for no compassion . 2. Since that my thoughts serve not to prove The conquest of your Beauty , It comes not from defect of Love , But from excess of duty . 3. For think you that I sue to serve A Saint of such perfection As all desire , but none deserve A place in her affection . 4. I rather chuse to want relief , Than venture the relieving , VVhen glory recommends the grief , Despair distrust's th'atchieving . 5. Thus the desires that aim too high For any mortal lover , VVhen reason cannot make ▪ em dye , Discretion doth them cover . 6. Yet when discretion doth believe , The Plaints that they shall utter ; Then thy discretion may perceive , That Silence is a Sutor . 7. Silence in Love bewrayes more woe , Than words though nere so witty ; ●he begger that is dumb you know Deserveth double pitty . 8. Then mis-conceive not , dearest heart , My true though secret passion ; He smarteth most that hides his smart , And sues for no compassion . Beauty is not the guide to Affection . OF Beauty there 's no rule , neither can be , Since that I like , pleases not him , nor thee . One likes a dimpled Cheek , a double chin , One likes a sparkling Eye , and so agen ; One likes a lusty lass , to quench his fire , Another , might he have but his desire , Would reject all we have nam'd before , And nor double Chin , nor dimpled cheek adore , Neither would care for Sparkling Eye a bit , And reject Lustiness , but adore VVit ; One likes a Lady that is short , and small ; Another one perhaps that 's big and tall ; You like a Lady cause shee 's very free , I don't , for fear I should cornuted be ; One likes a VVoman , for such , and such a grace , One cares for nothing but a handsome face ; One loves to see flaxen locks hang down , Another man delights in lovely brown . Thus all men vary you do see , and now Where 's the good man I pray that kiss'd the Cow ? FINIS . 
A50616	----	Recreation for ingenious head-peeces, or, A pleasant grove for their wits to walk in of epigrams 700, epitaphs 200, fancies a number, fantasticks abundance : with their addition, multiplication, and division. Mennes, John, Sir, 1599-1671. 1654 Approx. 430 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 205 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2003-09 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A50616 Wing M1714 ESTC R31890 12272443 ocm 12272443 58312 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A50616) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 58312) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 1508:9) Recreation for ingenious head-peeces, or, A pleasant grove for their wits to walk in of epigrams 700, epitaphs 200, fancies a number, fantasticks abundance : with their addition, multiplication, and division. Mennes, John, Sir, 1599-1671. Smith, James, 1605-1667. ca. 400 p. : ill. Printed by M. Simmons ..., London : 1654. Added t.p. engr. and illus.: Witt's recreation refined, augmented with ingenious conceites for the wittie, and merry medicines for the melancholie. "Has been ascribed to Sir John Mennes and James Smith, but includes the work of others"--NUC pre-1956 imprints. Reproduction of original in the University of Illinois (Urbana-Champaign Campus). Library. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. Gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. EEBO-TCP is a partnership between the Universities of Michigan and Oxford and the publisher ProQuest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by ProQuest via their Early English Books Online (EEBO) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). The general aim of EEBO-TCP is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic English-language title published between 1473 and 1700 available in EEBO. 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Understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of TCP data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. Users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a TCP editor. The texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level 4 of the TEI in Libraries guidelines. Copies of the texts have been issued variously as SGML (TCP schema; ASCII text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable XML (TCP schema; characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless XML (TEI P5, characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or TEI g elements). Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng English wit and humor. Epigrams. Epitaphs. 2003-05 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2003-06 SPi Global Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2003-07 Rina Kor Sampled and proofread 2003-07 Rina Kor Text and markup reviewed and edited 2003-08 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion RECREATION FOR Ingenious Head-peeces . OR , A Pleasant Grove FOR THEIR WITS TO WALK IN. Of Epigrams , 700. Of Epitaphs , 200. Of Fancies , a number . Of Fantasticks , abundance . With their Addition , Multiplication , and Division . Marr. Non cuique datur habere nasum . LONDON , Printed by M : Simmons , in Aldersgate-Street . 1654. WITT' 's RECREATIONS refined Augmented , with Ingenious CONCEITES for the wittie , And Merrie Medicines for the Melancholie . See the next Page . Printed by M.S. sould by Edw : Archer in Little Brittain . 1654. Ad Lectorem . THis little Book is like a furnishe Feast ; And hath a dish , I hope , to please each guest . Here thou may'st find some good and solid fare ; If thou lov'st pleasant junket● , here they are ; Perhaps sh●rp sawces take thee most ; if so , I have Cooke for thee some sharp sawces too ; But if thy squemish stomack can like none , No body hinders thee , thou may'st be gone . The Stationer to the Reader . IF new , or old wit , please the Reader best , I 've hope , each man of wit , will be our Guest The new , was fram'd to humour some mens tast ▪ Which if they like not , they may carve the last ▪ Each dish hath sawce belongs to 't ; and you wil● By your dislike , censure the Authors skill ; Yet if you cannot speake well of it , spare To utter your dislike , that the like snare May entrap o●hers ; so the Booke may be Sold , though not lik'd ▪ by a neat fallacie : That 's all I aske , yet 't will your goodness raise , If as I gaine your coyne , he may your praise . EPIGRAMS . 1. To the Reader . EXcuse mee Reader , though I now and than , In some light lines , doe shew my selfe a man ; Nor be so sowre , some wanton words to blame , They are the language of an Epigramme . 2. On Battus . Battus doth brag he hath a world of Books , His Studies maw holds more then well it may , But seld ' or never , he upon them looks , And yet he looks upon them every day . He looks upon their outside , but within He never looks , nor never will begin . 3. On Prue . Prues nose hangs down so low , one would suppose When ere she gapes , that Prue would eat her nose . 4. To Gripe . Gripe keeps his coyn well , and his heaps are great , For which he seems wise in his own conceit ; Be not deceiv'd Gripe , for ought I can see , Thy bags in this sense are as wise as thee . 5. On Man and Woman . When man and Woman dyes , as Poets sung , His heart 's the last that stirs , of hers the tongue . 6. On Womans will. How dearly doth the honest husband buy His wives defect of will when she doth dy ? Better in death by will to let her give , Then let her have her will while she doth live . 7. Spangle the spruce Gal : Spruce Spangle's like to a Cynamon Tree ; His outside is of much more worth then he . 8. Chaerilus . Eat Toste and Oyle , eat supple herbs and loos , For thou look'st wondrous costive Chaerilus . 9. In Paulum . By lawfull Mart , and by unlawfull stealth , P●ulus from th' Ocean hath deriv'd much wealth : But on the Land , a little gulfe there is , Wherein he drowneth all that wealth of his . 10. Vestitus peritus . Clitus goes oft time clad in Suits of Scarlet , That els no colour had to play the Varlet . 11. Of Poetus . Poetus with fine Sonnets painted forth This and that foul Ladies beauties worth : He shews small wit therein , and for his pains , By my consent , he never shall reap gain● ; Why , what needs Poets paint them , O sweet Elves ! When Ladies paint their beauties best themselves . 12. Of Shift the Sharker . Shift swears he keeps none but good company , For , though th' are such as he did never see , Worse then himselfe he 's sure they cannot be . 13. On an Vpstart . Pray wrong not ( late coyn'd ) give the man his right , He 's made a Gentleman although no Knight , For now 't is cloaths the Gentleman doth make , Men from gay cloaths their pedegrees doe take ; But wot you what 's the arms to such mens house ? Why this — hands chancing of a Rampant Louse . 14. Volens Nolens . Will with provisio wills you testifie , Has made his will , but hath no will to die . 15. Ad Clodium . Wit , once thou said'st was worth thy weight in gold , Though now't be common for a trifle sold ; It dearer seems to thee that get'st not any , ( When thou shouldst use it ) for thy love or money . 16. In Getam . Geta from wooll and weaving first began , Swelling and swelling to a Gentleman ; When he was Gentleman and bravely dight , He left not swelling till he was a Knight : At last ( forgetting what he was at first ) He sweld to be a Lord , and then he burst . 17. To Emson . Emson thou once in Dutch wouldst court a wench , But to thy cost she answered thee in French. 18. In Fimum . Fimus is Coach'd , and for his farther grace Doth a●k his friends how he becomes the place ; Troth I should tel him , the poor coach hath wrong And that a Cart would serve to carry dung . 19. In Flaccum . The false knave Flaccus once a bribe I gave ; The more fool I , to bribe so false a knave : But he gave back my bribe , the more fool he , That for my folly did not cousen me . 20. Of Womens naked breasts . In open shop● flyes often blow that flesh , Which in close safe● might be kept longer fresh . They but invite flesh-flyes , whose full spread pap● Like road wayes lie between their lips and laps . 21. On Morcho . Morcho for haste was married in the night , What needed day ? his fair young wife is light . 22. On a Bragadocio . Don Lollus brags , he comes from Noble blood , Drawn down from Brutus line ; 't is very good , If this praise-worthy be , each Flea may then , Boast of his blood more then som Gentlemen . 23. Edens vomens . Cacus that sups so duly at the Rose , Casts up the reckning truly ere he goes . 24. On a Pumpe stopt with stones . M. I 'le cut it down , I swear by this same hand , If 't will not run , it shall no longer stand . R. Pray Sir be patient , let your Pump alone , How can it water make when 't hath the stone ? Yet did he wisely when he did it fell . For in so doing he did make it well . 25. Of Prittle-prattle . Though th'danger be not great , of all tame cattle , Yet the most troublesome is Prittle-prattle . 26. In Aulum . Thou still art muttring Aulus in mine ear , Love me and love my Dog : I will I swear , Thou ask'st but right ; and Aulus , truth to tell , I think thy Dog deserves my love as well . 27. Ad Tilenum . Tilens ' cause th' art old , fly not the field , Where youthfull Cupid doth his b●nner wield ; For why ? this god , old men his Souldiers stil'd ; None loves but he who hath been twice a Child . 28. To Vellius . Thou swearst I bowl as well as most men doe , The most are bunglers , therein thou say'st true . 29. Three Genders . A wife although most wise and chast , is of the Doubtfull Gender ; A Quean o th' Common : Feminines , are Women small and tender . 30. Of Brawle . Brawle loveth brabling , as he loves his life , Leave him for dead , when he leaves stirring strife . 31. In Paulum . Paul , what my cloak doth hide thou fain wouldst know , Wer 't to be seen I would not cover'● so . 32. Of sleep and death . That death is but a sleep I not deny , Yet when I next would sleep , I would not dye . 33. Vpon Methusus . Methusus ask'd me why I call'd him sot , I answer made , because he lov'd the pot , For while Methusus busie is with it , The fool I 'm sure 's as busie with his wit. 34. On Thraso . Thraso goes lame with blows he did receive In a late duell , if you 'l him believe . 35. Newes . When News doth come , if any would discusse The Letter of the word , resolve it thus : News is convey'd by letter , word , or mouth , And comes to us from North , East , West , and South . 36. Of Rufus . Rufus had rob'd his Host , and being put to it , Said , I am an arrant rogue if I did doe it . 37. Of Marcus. When Marcus fail'd , a borrowed sum to pay , Unto his friend at the appointed day ; T were superstition for a man , he sayes , To be a strict observer of set dayes . 38. Of a Thief . A thief arrested , and in custody Under strong guards of armed company , Askt why they held him so ; Sir , quoth the chief , We hold you for none other then a thief . 39. Of Motion . Motion brings heat , and thus we see it prov'd , Most men are hot and angry when they 'r mov'd . 40. Formall the Fashionist . Formall all form and fashion is , for matter , Who sayes he sees it in him , doth but flatter ; Open and search him , you shall quickly find With what course Canvas his soft silks are lin'd . 41. Ad Scriptorem quend . Halfe of your Book is to an Index growne , You give your Book Contents , your Reader non● 42. Riches . Gold 's th' onely God , Rich men bear rule , Money makes Majesty : Rich Pluto , not plain Plato now , Speaks with applause most high . 43. On Sextus . Sextus doth wish his wife in Heaven were , Where can she have more happinesse then there ? 45. Secreta nobis . Tassus from Temple-stairs by water goes , To Westminster , and back to Temple rowes , Belike he loves not trot too much the street Or surbait on the stones his tender feet : Tut ! come , there 's something in 't must not be known But Sir beleev 't , The debt is not his own . 45. Of Text-corruptors . Bad Commentators spoyle the best of Books , So God gives meat , ( they say ) the Devil sends Cook● ▪ 46. On a Drawer drunk . Drawer with thee now even is thy Wine , For thou hast pierc'd his Hogs-head , and he thine . 47. Vpon the weights of a Clock . I wonder time 's so swift , when as I see , Upon her heels , such lumps of lead to be . 48. On Cynna . Because I am not of a Gyants stature , Despise me no● , nor praise thy liberall nature , For thy huge limbs ; that you are great , 't is true , And that I 'm little in respect of you : The reason of our growths is eas'ly had , You , many had perchance ; I but one Dad. 49 On Alastrus . Alastrus hath nor coyn , nor spirit , nor wit. I think hee 's only then for Bedlam ●it . 50. Of Mendacio . Mendacio pretends to tell men News : And that it may be such , himselfe doth use To make it : but that will no longer need , Let him tell truth , it will be News indeed . 51. On Landanno . Landanno in his gallant bravery , Ruffled his Silks , lookt big , and thrust me by : And still as often as he meets me so , My home-spun cloth must to the channell go . Advise thee well Landanno , children note , And fools admire thee for thy velvet coat : I keep ( Landanno ) in repute with such , As think they cannot scorn poor thee too much . But thou canst squire fine Madams , thou canst vail Thy Cap and Feather , cringe , and wag thy tail Most decently : Now by you stars that shi●e , So thou transcend'st me : Take the wall , 't is thine . 52. On Shanks . Shanks swears he fasts ; and always cryes for Beef : O how he fasts ! that 's how fast eats the Theef ! 53. Cito bene . Sir Iohn at Mattins prayes he might dispatch , Who by true promise is to bowl a match . 54. Of Pertinax . It will , it must , it shall be so , Saith Pertinax ; but what 's the reason trow ? Nay , that I cannot tell , nor doth he know . 55. To valiant Dammee . Dammee thy brain is valiant , 't is confest ; Thou more , that with it every day dar'st jest Thy self into fresh braules ; but cal'd upon , With swearing Damme , answer'st every one . Keep thy self there , and think thy valour right , He that dares Damne himself , dares more then fight . 56. On Cornuto . Cornuto is not jealous of his wife , Nor e're mistrusts her too lascivious life , Ask him the reason why he doth forbear , Hee 'l answer straight , it cometh with a fear . 57. On a Shrew . A froward Shrew being blam'd because she show'd Not so much reverence as by right she ow'd Unto her Husband , she reply'd he might Forbear complaint of me , I do him right ; His will is mine , he would bear rule , and I Desire the like , onely in sympathy . 58. Of Lawlesse . Lawlesse the worst times liketh best , why i st ? Because then Lawlesse may doe what he list . 59. A rich Curre . Dru dares good men deprave because hee 's rich , Whether more fool or Knave , I know not which . 60. On a Youth married to an Old Woman . A smooth-fac'd youth , what wedded to an old Decrepit Shrew ! ( such is the power of Gold ) Thy fortune I dare tell ; perchance thou 'lt have At Supper dainties , but in B●d a grave . 61. On a Fly in a glasse . A Fly out of his glasse a guest did take , E're with the liquor he his thirst would slake ; When he had drunk his fill , again the Fly Into the glasse he put , and said , though I Love not Flyes in my drink , yet others may , Whose humour I nor like , nor will gain-say . 62. On Collimus . If that Collimus any thing doe lend , Or Dog , or Horse , or Hawk unto his friend , He to endear the borrowers love the more , Saith he ne'r ●ent it any one before , Nor would to any but to him : His wife Having observ'd these speeches all her life , Behinde him forks her fingers , and doth cry , To none but you , I 'de do this courtesie . 63. To Loquax . Loquax , to hold thy tongue would do thee wrong , For thou wouldst be no man but for thy tongue . 64. Good wits jump . Against a post a scholler chanc'd to strike At unawares his head ; like will to like : Good wits will jump ( quoth he : ) if that be true , The title of a block-head is his due . 65. On Womens Masks . It seems that Masks do women much disgrace , Sith when they wear them they do hide their face . 66. Of Sawcy the Intruder . Sawcy , though uninvited , is so rude , As into every comp'ny to intrude ; But he 's no fit companion for any , Who all ways makes the number one too many . 67. Vpon a pair of Tongs . The burnt child dreads the fire ; if this be true , Who first invented Tongs its fury knew . 68. Lawyers and Souldiers . If Lawyers had for Term , a tearm of warre , Souldiers would be as rich as Lawyers are ; But here 's the difference 'tween Guns and Gowns , These take good Angels , th' other take crack't crowns . 69. On Momus . Momus can call another fool , but he Can never make his brain and wit agree . 70. Woman . A Woman is a Book , and often found To prove far better in the sheets then bound : No marvail then , why men take such delight Above all things to study in the night . 71. Clytus cunning . Clytus the Barbar doth Occasion fly , Because 't is bald , and he gains nought thereby . 72. Rich promises . Lords promise soon , but to perform are long , Then would their purse-st●ing● were ty'd to their tongue . 73. On Comptulus . I wonder'd Comptulus , how thy long hair , In comely curles could show so debonair , And every hair in order be , when as Thou couldst not trim it by a looking glasse , Nor any Barber did thy tresses pleat ; 'T is strange ; but Monsieur I conceive the ●eat When you your hair doe kemb , you off it take , And order 't as you please for fashion sake . 74. On Gellius . In building of his house , Gellius hath spent All his revenues and his ancient rent , Ask not a reason , why Gellius is poor , His greater house hath turn'd him out of door . 75. To Ponticus . At Supper time will Pon●u● visit me , I 'd rather have his room then company ; But if him , from me I can no ways fright , I 'd have him visit me each fasting night . 76. Balbus . Balbus a Verse on Venus Boy doth scan , But ere 't was finish'd Cupid's grown a man. 77. On a Pot-Poet . What lofty verses Coelus writes ? it is But when his head with wine oppressed is : So when great drops of rain fall from the skies In standing pools , huge bubbles will arise . 78. On Onellus . Thou never supp'st abroad , Onellus , true , For at my home I 'm sure to meet with you . 79. Of professed Atheists . If even Devils themselves believe and tremble , Atheists profest methinks should but dissemble . 80. To Termagant . My Termagant , as I have ought to save , I neither cal'd thee fool , nor knave : That which I cal'd thee is a thing well known , A trifle not worth thinking on : What I suppose thy self wilt easily grant , I cal'd thee Cuckold , Termagant . 81. On a Vertuous Talker . If vertue 's alwayes in thy mouth , how can It e're have time to reach thy heart , fond man ? 82. To Severus . Beleeve Severus , that in these my Rimes I tax no person but the common Crimes . 83. Vpon Pigs devouring a bed of Penny-royall , commonly called Organs . A good wife once a bed of Organs set , The Pigs came in and eat up every whit , The good man said , wife you your Garden may Hogs Norton call , here Pigs on Organs play . 84. On Gubs . Gubs calls his children Kitlins : and wo'd bound ( Some say ) for joy to see those Kitlins dround . 85. On a Fortune-teller . The influence of th' Stars are known to thee , By whom thou canst each future fortune see : Yet sith thy wife doth thee a Cuckold make , T is strange they do not that to thee partake . 86. To sweet sir Ou●side . Th' expence in Odours , is a foolish sin , Except thou couldst sweeten thy Corps within . 87. On a Gallant . A glittering Gallant , from a prancing Steed , Alighting down desir'd a boy with speed To hold his horse a while , he made reply , Can one man hold him fast ? 't was answer'd , I : If then one man can hold him Sir , you may Doe it your self , quoth he , and slunk away . 88. To Eras-mus . That thou' art a man each of thy learn'd works shows , But yet thy name tels us thou wast a Mouse . 89. On Bunce . Money thou ow'st me ; prethee fix a day For payment promis'd , though thou never pay : Let it be Dooms-day ; nay , take longer ●●ope ; Nay when th' art honest , let me have some hope . 90. On an empty House . Lollus by night awak'd heard Theeves about His house , and searching narrowly throughout To find some pillage there , he said , you may By night , but I can find nought here by day . 91. A trim Barber . Neat Barber trim , I must commend thy care , Which dost all things exactly to a haire . 92. On a bragging Coward . Corsus in Camp , when as his Mates betook Themselves to dine , encourag'd them and spoke , Have a good stomach Lads , this night we shall In heaven at Supper keep a festivall . But battail join'd he fled away in hast , And said , I had forgot , this night I fast . 93. On a great Nose . Thy Nose no man can wipe , Proclus , unless He have a hand as big as Hercules : When thou dost sneeze the sound thou dost not hear Thy Nose is so far distant from thine ear . 94. On an unequall pair . Fair Phillis is to churlish Priscus wed , As stronger wine with waters mingled ; Priscus his love to Phillis more doth glow With fervency then fire ; hers cold as snow : 'T is well , for if their flames alike did burn , One house would be too hot to serve their turn . 95. In Quintum . Quintus is burnt , and may thereof be glad , For being poor he hath a good pretence At every Church to crave benevolence , For one that had by fire lost all he had . 96. On a changeable Rayment . Know you why Lollus changeth every day , His Perriwig , his face , and his array ? 'T is not because his comings in are much , Or 'cause hee 'l swill it with the roaring Dutch ; But 'cause the Sergeants ( who a writ have had Long since against him ) should not know the Lad. 97. On Guesse . Guesse cuts his shooes , and limping goes about To have men think he 's troubled with the Gou● , But 't is no Gout ( beleive it ) but hard Beere , Whose acrimonious humour bites him here . 98. On Stale-Batch . For all night-sins with other Wives unknown Batch now doth daily penance in his own . 99. To sir Guilty . Guilty , be wise ; and though thou knowst the crime● Be thine I tax ; yet do not own my Rimes ; 'T were madnesse in thee to betray thy fame , And person to the world , ere I thy name . 100. Veritas subverta . Luke that a man on hor●-back met but late , Would simply seem thus to equivocate , And strong maintain 'gainst them , contend who dare , 'T was meerly but a Taylor and a Mare . 101. On Hugh . Hugh should have gone to Oxford th' other day , But turn'd at Tiburn , and so lost his way . 102. On a Painted Madam . Men say y' are fair ; and fair ye are , 't is true , But ( Hark! ) we praise the Painter now , not you . 103. On Barossa . Barossa boasts his pedigree , although He knows no letter of the Christ-Crosse row , His house is ancient , and his gentry great , For what more ancient e're was heard of yet Then is the family of fools ? how than Dare you not call Barossa Gentleman ? 104. Experto credendum . How durst Capritius call his wedlock whore , But that he speaks it plusquam per narratum . Nam ipse teste : what require you more , Unlesse you 'ld have it magis approbatum ? 105. On Iack Cut-purse . Jack Cut-purse is , and hath been patient long , For hee 's content to pocket up much wrong . 106. On Afer . Afer hath sold his land and bought a Horse , Whereon he pranceth to the royall Burse , To be on hors-back he delights ; wilt know ? 'Cause then his Company he 'd higher show : But happy chance tall Afer in his pride , Mounts a Gunnelly and on foot doth ride . 107. On Charismus . Thou hast compos'd a Book , which neither age , Nor future time shall hurt through all their rage ; For how can future times or age invade , That work which perished as soon as made ? 108. Facilis descensus averni . The way to hell is easie , th' other day , A blind man thither quickly found the way . 109. Age and Youth . Admire not youth , despise not age , although Some yong are grave , most old men children grow . 110. On Orus . Orus sold wine , and then tobacco , now He aqua-vitae doth his friends allow . What e're he had was sold to save his life , And now turn'd Pander , he doth sell his wife . 111. On Sneape . Sneape has a face so brittle , that it breaks Forth into blushes , whensoere he speaks . 112. On Acerra . Tobacco hurts the brain Physitians say , Doth dull the wit , and memory decay , Yet fear not thou Acerra , for 't will ne're Hurt thee so much by use , as by thy feare . 113. Empta nostra . Madam La Foy wears not those locks for nought , Ask at the Shop else , where the same she bought . 114. On Briso . Who private lives , lives well , no wonder then , You doe absent you from the sight of men , For out of doors you ne'r by day appear , What , is a Sergeant such a huge Bug-bear ? 115. A Foolish Querie . How rich a man is , all desire to know ; But none inquires if good he be or no. 116. On the King of Swedens Picture . Who but the half of this neat Picture drew , That it could ne're be fully done , well knew . 117. B. I. answer to a Thief bidding him stand . Fly Villain hence , or by thy coat of steel , I 'le make thy heart , my brazen bullet feel , And send that thrice as theevish soule of thine , To Hell , to wear the Devils Valentine . 118. Thiefs reply . Art thou great Ben ? or the revived ghost Of famous Shakespeare ? or some drunken host ? Who being tipsie with thy muddy Beer , Dost think thy Rimes shall daunt my soule with fear ? Nay know base Slave , that I am one of those ▪ Can take a purse as well in verse as prose ; And when th' art dead write this upon thy Herse , Here lyes a Poet that was rob'd in Verse . 119. Nothing New. Nothing is new : we walk were others went ; Th●re's no vice now but has his president . 120. On Cupid . Cupid hath by his sly and subtill Art , A certain Arrow shot , and pierc'd my heart ; What shall I doe to be reveng'd on love ? There is but one way , and that one I 'le prove ; I 'le steale his Arrows , and will head them new With Womens hearts , and then they 'l ne'r fly true . 121 A Tobacconist . All dainty meats I doe defie ▪ Which feed men fat as Swine , He is a frugall man indeed , That on a leaf can dine . Hee needs no Napkin for his hands , His fingers ends to wipe , That keeps his Kitchin in a Box , And Roast-meat in a Pipe. 122. Feeble standing . Mat being drunken , much his anger wreaks On 's wife ; but stands to nothing that he speak● . 123. Long and Lazie . That was the Proverb . Let my Mistriss be Lazie to others ; but belong to me . 124. On the Tobaconist . If mans flesh be like Swines , as it is said , The Metamorphosis is sooner made : Then full fac'd Gnatho no Tobacco take , Smoaking your Corps , lest Bacon you do make . 125. Another . Tom I commend thee above all I know , That sold'st thy cushion for a pipe of To — For now 't is like if e're thou study more , Thou'●t sit to 't harder then thou didst before . 126. On Button the Grave-maker . Ye powers above and heavenly poles , Are graves become but Button-holes ? 127. On long haire . Lucas long hair down to his shoulders wears , And why ? he dares not cut it for his ears . 128. To a stale Lady . Thy wrinkles are no more , nor lesse , Then beauty turn'd to sowernesse . 129. A Crab is restorative . The Crab of the wood Is sawce very good , For the Crab of the foaming Sea ; But the wood of a Crab Is sawce for a drab That will not her husband obey . 130. Alius altior . Would you with Cajus offer now confer In such familiar sort as heretofore ? And not observe he 's grown an Officer , That looks for adoration ten times more ? Tut ! what of pedegree , or turpe domo , T is not so now ye see , nam ecce homo . 131. Sor●e tua contentas . If adverse fortune bring to passe , And will that thou an Asse must be ; Then be an asse , and live an asse , For out of question wise is he That undergoes with humble mind , The state that chance hath him assign'd . 132. On a pretender to Prophecy . Ninety two years the world as yet shall stand , If it doe stand or fall at your command ; But say , why plac'd you not the worlds end ny●r L●st ere you dy'd you might be prov'd a lyer ? 133. Mart. lib. 8. Epigr. 69. Old Poets onely thou dost praise , And none but dead ones magnifie , Pardon Vocerta , thee to please , I am not yet in mind to die . 134. On a Gamester . For hundred-thousands Matho playes ; Olus what 's that to thee ? Not thou by means thereof , I trow , But Matho poor shall be . 135. Parcus profusus . Old doting Claudus that rich miser known , Made drunk one night , & jumping but with Ioan , Was forc't not onely to discharge the shot , But keep the Bastard which the gull ne'r got . 136. On Fr. Drake . Sir Drake , whom well the worlds end knew , Which thou didst compasse round , And whom both Poles of Heaven once saw , Which North and South do bound . The Stars above would make thee known , If men here silent were ; The Sun himselfe cannot forget , His fellow Traveller . 137. B. I. approbation of a copy of Verses . One of the witty sort of Gentlemen , That held society with learned Ben — Shew'd him some Verses of a tragick sense ; Which did his ear much curious violence ; But after Ben had been a kind partaker Of the sad lines , he needs must know the maker ; What unjust man he was , that spent his time , And banish'd reason to advance his rime : Nay gentle Ben , replyes the Gentleman , I see I must support the Poet than ; Although those humble strains are not so fit For to please you , hee 's held a pretty wit ; Is he held so ? ( sayes Ben ) so may a Goos , Had I the holding , I would let him loos . 138. Vt pluma persona . Why wears Laurentius such a lofty feather ? Because he 's proud and foolish both together . 139. Gaine and Gettings . When others gain much by the present cast , The Coblers getting time , is at the last . 140. Domina praedominatis . Ill may Radulphus boast of rule or riches , That lets his wife rule him , and wear the breeches . 141. On Doll . Doll she so soon began the wanton trade , She ne'r remembers that she was a maid . 142. To a Nose and Teeth very long . Gape 'gainst the Sun , and by thy Teeth and Nose 'T is easie to perceive how the day goes . 143. On a Welshman and an Englishman . There was a time a difference began , Between a Welshman and an Englishman , And thus it was ; the Englishman would stand Against all Argument , that this our land Was freest of her fruits : there is a place , Quoth he , whose ground so fruitfull is of grasse , But throw a staffe in 't but this night , you shall Not see 't the morrow , 't would be cover'd all . The Welshman cry'd , 't is true it might lye under The o'r-grown grasse , which is with us no wonder : For turn your Horse into our fruitfull ground , And before morning come , he shan't be found . 144. On Pride . Why Pride to others doth her self prefer , The reason 's clear , she 's heir to Lucifer . 145. On Skrew . Skrew lives by shifts , yet swears by no small oaths , For all his shifts , he cannot shift his cloaths . 146. O Mores . Now vertu's hid with follies jugling mist , And hee 's no man that is no humorist . 147. To Teltale . Thy glowing ears , to hot contention bent , Are not unlike red Herrings broyl'd 〈…〉 . 148. Sperando pariens . Hodg hir'd him such a house , at such a rent , As might 'gainst marriage , much his state augment ; But lingring fates did so his hopes prevent , As Hodg perforce must flye , for all was spent . 149. On a Souldier . The Souldier fights well , and with good regard , But when he 's lame , he lyes at an ill ward . 150. Vivens mortuis . What makes young Brutus bear so high his head , And on the sudden gallant it so brave ? Pray understand Sir ; 's Father 's newly dead , Who hath so long been wish'd for laid in 's grave . 151. A secret necessity . What makes F. G. wear still one pair of hose ? Ask Banks the Broker ; he the businesse knows . 152. On Garret and Chambers . Garret and his friend Chambers having done Their City businesse , walkt to Paddington , And coming neer the fatall place , where men , I mean offender● , ne'r return agen , Looking on Tyburn in a merriment : Sayes Chambers , here 's a pretty Tenement Had it a Garret ? Garret hearing that , Replyes , friend Chambers I doe wonder at Your simple censure , and could mock you for it , There must be Chambers e're there be a Garret . 153. Dubium indubitatum . Say Parnels children prove not one like th' other ; The best is yet , she 's sure they 'd both one Mother . 154. On Linnit . Linnit plays rarely on the Lu●e , we know ; And sweetly sings , but yet his breath sayes no. 155. On Vsuring Gripe . Gripe feels no lameness of his knotty Gout , His moneys travell for him in and out . And though the soundest legs goe every day , He toyls to be at Hell as soon as they . 156. A phrase in Poetry . Fairer then that word faire , why so she must , Or be as black as Timothies toasted crust . 157. A Witt-all . Ieppa thy wit will ne'r endure a touch , Thou knowst so little , and dost speak so much 158. Ad Lectorem . Is 't possible that thou my Book hast bought , That said'st 't was nothing worth ? why was it nought ? Read it agen , perhaps thy wit was dull , Thou may'st find something at the second pull : Indeed at first thou nought didst understand ; For shame get something at the second hand . 159. On Skinns . Skinns he din'd well to day ; how doe you think ? His nayles they were his meat , his reume the drink ? 160. Suum cuique pulchrum . Posthumus not the last of many more , Asks why I write in such an idle vain , Seeing there are of Epigrams such store ; O give me leave to tell thee once again , That Epigrams are fitted to the season , Of such as best know how to make rime reason . 161. Certa dissimulans . Monsieur Piero's wise trades all in French , And coyly simpring cryes , Pardona moy : As who should think , she 's sure no common wench But a most true dissembler , par may foy . 162. In magnis voluisse sat est . In matters great to will it doth suffice : I blush to hear how loud this Proverb lyes , For they that owe great sums by bond or bill , Can never cancell them with meer good will. 163. As proud as witlesse Dracus . Dracus his head is highly by him born . And so by straws are empty heads of corn . 164. Saltem videretur . A Welshman and an Englishman disputed , Which of their lands maintain'd the greatest state ; The Englishman the Welshman quite confuted , Yet would the Welshman nought his brags abate , Ten cooks , quoth he , in Wales one wedding fees , Truth , quoth the other , each man tosts his cheese . 165. Knowing and not knowing . Cosmus by custome taunts each man , And yet can nought of reason scan , How can that be , when who knows least , Knows he should wise be , that would jest : Then thus no further I allow , That Cosmus know● , but knows not how . 166. Stupid Binus . Sith time flyes fast away , his safest flight , Binus prevents with dreaming day and night . 167. Postrema pessima . Cacus in 's cunning ne'r so prov'd o'r-reacht As now at last , who must be halter-stretcht ▪ 168. On his Mistris . My Love and I for kisses play'd , She would keep stakes , I was content , And when I won she would be paid ; This made me ask her what she meant , Saith she , since you are in this wrangling vain , Take you your kisses , and give me mine again . 169. On a proud Maid . She that will eat her breakfast in her bed , And spend the morn in dressing of her head , And sit at dinner like a Maiden-bride , And talk of nothing all d●● but of pride ; God in mercy may doe much to save her , But what a case is he in that shall have her ? 170. Tempus edax rerum . Time eateth all things , could the Po●ts say , The times are chang'd , our times drink all away . 171. Facies ignota . Why should not Rubin rich apparell wear , That 's left more money then an Asse can bear ? Can any guesse him by his outward guise , But that he may be generous and wise ? 172. On a coy Woman . She seems not won , yet won she is at length ; In loves war , women use but half their strength . 173. On Bed-keeping . Bradus the Smith hath often sworn and sed , That no disease should make him keep his bed , His reason was , I oft have heard him tell it , He wanted money , therefore he would sell it . 174. On a man stealing a Candle from a Lanthorn . One walking in the street a winter night , Climb'd to a Lanthorn , thought t'●ave stole the light , But taken in the manner and descri'd By one o'th'servants , who look'd & cry'd , Whose there : what d' you ? who doth our lanthorn handle ? Nothing , said he , but onely snuffe the Candle . 175. On Fraternus . Fraternus ' opinions show his reason weak , He held the nose was made for man to speak . 176. Little and Loud . Little you are ; for womens sake be proud ; For my sake next , ( though little ) be not loud . 177. On a French Fencer , that challenged Church an English Fencer . The fencing Gaules in pride and gallant vaunt , Challeng'd the English at the Fencing skill , The Fencer Church , or the Church Militant , His errors still reprov'd and knock'd him still ; But sith our Church him disciplin'd so sore , He ( rank Recusant ) comes to Church no more . 178. On Gella . Gella is light , and like a Candle wasteth , Even to the snuffe , that stinketh more it lasteth . 179. On I. Lipsius who bequeathed his Gown to the V. Mary . A dying Latinist of great renown , Unto the Virgin Mary gave his Gown ; And was not this false Latine so to joyn With female gender , the case masculine ? 180. On two striving together . Two falling out , into a ditch they fell , Their falling out , was ill ; but in was well . 181. A Lawyers Will. A Lawyer being sick and extream ill , Was moved by his friends to make his wil , Which soon he did , gave all the wealth he had To frantick persons , lunatick , and mad ; And to his friends this reason did reveale ; ( That they might see , with equity hee 'd deal ) From mad mens hands I did my wealth receive , Therefore that wealth to mad mens hands I leave . 182. Youth and Age. Age is deformed , Youth unkind , We scorn their bodies , they our mind . 183. Somnus decipiens . Dod sweetly dreamt this other night had found In gold and silver ne'r an hundred pound , But waking felt he was with Fleas sore bitten , And further smelt he had his shirt be — 184. To a Shoomaker . What boots it thee , to follow such a trade , That 's alwayes under foot and underlaid ? 185. Death . The lives of men seem in two seas to swim , Death comes to young folks , and old go to him . 186. Quos ergo , &c. Rufus in rage the Pots flings down the stairs , And threats to pull the Drawer by the ears , For giving such attendance : Slave ( sayes he ) Where 's thine observance ? Ha! must such as we Be no more waited on ? Goe ; bring to pay , And keep my Rapier till I come this way . 187. A disparity . Children fondly blab truth , and fools their brothers ; Women have learn'd more wisdome of their Mothers . 188. To Maledict . Thou speakest ill , not to give men their dues , But speakest ill , because thou canst not chuse . 189. On Newter Ned. Newter convict of publick wrongs to men , Takes private beatings , and begins agen ; Two kinds of valour he doth shew at once , Active in 's brains , and passive in his bones . 190. Interpone tuis , &c. Not mirth , nor care alone , but inter-wreath'd ; Care gets mirths stomach , mirth makes care long breath'd . 191. Ignotus sibi . Fastidius finds it Nimis ultra posse , How to distinguish of Teipsum nosce : I doe not marvell much it should be so , For why the Coxcomb , will himselfe not know . 192. On Craw. Craw cracks in Sirrop ; and do's stinking say , Who can hold that ( my friends ) that will away . 193. Pot Poet. Poet and pot differ but in a letter , Which makes the Poet love the pot the better . 194. Content . Content is all we aim at with our store ? If that be had with little , what needs more ? 195. Fast and Loose . Paphus was marry'd all in hast , And now to rack doth run ; So knitting of himself too fast , He hath himselfe undone . 196. Tortus . Tortus accus'd to lye , to fawn , to flatter ; Said he but set a good face on the matter ; Then sure he borrow'd it , for 't is well known , Tortus ne're wore a good face of his own . 197. On Raspe . Raspe playes at Nine-holes , and 't is known he get● Many a Teaster by his game , and bet● ; But of his gettings there 's but little signe , When one hole wasts more then he gets by nine . 198. Impar impares odit . Sotus hates wise men , for himselfe is none , And fools he hates , because himself is one . 199. Similis doctrina libello . Croesus of all things loveth not to buy So many Books of such diversity : Your Almanack ( sayes he ) yeelds all the sence Of time 's past , profit , and experience . 200. On Tullus . Tullus who was a Taylor by profession , Is late turn'd Lawyer , and of large possession . So who before did cut but Countrey freeze , Now cuts the Countrey in excessive fees . 201. Vt parta perdita . Marcellus proves a man of double means , First rais'd by drunkards , then undone by queans . 202. On Iack and Iill . Since Iack and Iill both wicked be ; It seems a wonder unto me , That they no better doe agree . 203. On Women . Woman 's the centre , and the lines be men , The circles , love ; how doe they differ then ? Circles draw many lines into the center , But love gives leave to onely one to enter . 204. On Womans love . A womans love is like a Syrian flow'r , That buds , and spreads , and withers in an hour . 205. On Cooke a Cuckold . A young Cook marry'd upon Sunday last , And he grew old e'r Tuesday night was past . 206. Nomine , non re . Grace I confesse it , hath a comely face , Good hand and foot as answerable to it : But what 's all this except she had more grace ? Oh you will say , 't is want that makes her do it . True , want of grace indeed , the more her shame : Gracelesse by Nature , onely Grace by Name . 207. A Mounsieur Naso , vero le . Naso let none drink in his glasse but hee , Think you 't is pride ? 't is courtesie . 208. A Butcher marrying a Tanners daughter . A fitter match then this could not have bin , For now the flesh is married to the skin . 209. A Widow . He which for 's wife a widow doth obtain , Doth like to those that buy clothes in Long-lane , One Coat 's not fit , another's too too old , Their faults I know not , but th' are manifold . 110. On a Farmer Knighted . In my conceit Sir Iohn , you were to blame , To make a quiet good-wife , a mad-dame . 211. On Pallas and Bacchus Birth . Pallas the off-spring of Ioves brain , Bacchus out of his thigh was ta'en : He breaks his brain that learning wins , When he that 's drunk breaks but his shin● . 212. On an old man doting upon a young Wench . A rich old man loving a fair young Lasse , Out of his breeches his spectacles drew , Wherewith he writ a note how rich he was ; All which ( quoth he ) sweet heart I 'l give to you . Excuse me Sir ( quoth she ) for all your riches , I 'l marry none that wears his eyes in 's breeches . 213. On a Welshman . The way to make a Welshman think on blisse , And daily say his prayers on his knees , Is to perswade him , that most certain 't is , The Moon is made of nothing but green Cheese ; Then he 'l desire of Iove no greater boon , Then to be plac'd in Heaven to eat the Moon . 214. On Lungs . Lungs ( as some say ) ne'r sets him down to eat , But that his breath doth fly-blow all his meat . 215. Ad Quintum . Thy lawfull wife , fair Lelia needs must be , For she was forc'd by law to marry thee . 216. As many dayes in the year , so many Veins in man. That every thing we doe , might vain appear , We have a vein for each day in the year . 217. To a friend , on the losse of his Mistresse . I● thou the best of women didst forgo , Weigh if thou found'st her , or didst make her so : If she was found , know there is more then one ; If made , the workman lives though she be gone ▪ 218. On a Whore. Rosa is faire , but not a proper woman ; Can any woman proper be that 's common ? 219. Aequalis consensus . Caecus and 's choyce , for change no time defers , Both separate , yet consenting each together , He maids for his turn takes , she men for hers , And so they jump , though seldome joyn together ▪ 220. On a Welshman A Welshman late coming into an Inne , Asked the Maid what meat there was within ; Cow-heels she answer'd , and a brest of Mutton ; But quoth the Welshman , since I am no glutton ; Either of both shall serve ; to night the brest , The heels i' th morning , then light meat is best ; At night he took the brest , and did not pay , I' th morning took his heels , and run away . 221. On Men and Women . Ill thrives that haplesse family that shows A Cock that 's silent , and a Hen that crows : I know not which lives more unnaturall lives , Obeying Husbands , or commanding Wives . 222. On Linus . Linus told me of Verses that he made , Riding to London on a trotting Jade ; I should have known , had he conceal'd the case , Even by his Verses of his Horses pace . 223. Sauce for sorrowes . Although our sufferings meet with no reliefe , An equall mind is the best sauce for griefe . 224. On a little dimunitive Band. What is the reason of God-dam-me's band , Inch-deep , and that his fashion doth not alter ? God-dam-me saves a labour , understand , In pulling't off when he puts on the halter . 225. On fine apparrell . Some that their wives may neat and cleanly go , Doe all their substance upon them bestow : But who a Gold-finch , fain would make his wife , Makes her perhaps a Wag-tail all her life . 226. Vpon Conscience . Many men this present age dispraise , And think men have small conscience now adays ; But sure , I 'l lay no such fault to their charge , I rather think their conscience is too large . 227. Dicta praedicta . Battus breaks jests on any thing that 's spoken , Provided alwayes , they before are broken . 228. On Vmber . Vmber was painting of a Lyon fierce , And working it , by chance from Vmbers Erse Flew out a crack , so mighty , that the fart , ( As Vmber swears ) did make his Lyon start . 229. In Cornutum . Cornutus cal'd his wife both whore and slut , Quoth she , you 'l never your brawling but — But what quoth he ? quoth she , the post or door , For you have horns to butt , if I 'm a whore . 230. A witty passage . An old man sitting at a Christmasse feast , By eating Brawn occasioned a jest ; For whilst his tongue and gums chased about , For want of pales the chased Bore broke out ; And light perchance upon a handsome lasse , That neer him at the Table placed was ; Which when she spy'd , she pluck'd out of her sleeve A pin , and did it to the old man give ; Saying , sith your Brawn out of your mouth doth slip , Sir take this pin , and therewith close your lip ; And bursting into laughter , strain'd so much , As with that strain her back-part spake low-dutch Which th' old man hearing , did the pin restore ; And bad her therewith close her postern door . 231. On Cob. Cob clouts his shooes , and as the story tels , His thumb-nayles par'd afford him sparables . 232. Omnia pariter . Ralph reads a line or two , and then cryes mew ; Deeming all else according to those few ; Thou might'st have thought and prov'd a wiser Lad ; ( As Ioan her fooding bought ) som good som bad . 233. A new married Bride . The first of all our sex came from the side of Man , I thither am return'd from whence I came . 234. On a Pudding . The end of all , and in the end , the praise of all depends . A Pudding merits double praise , because it hath two ends . 235. Answer . A pudding hath two ends ; you lye my brother For it begins at one , and ends at th' other . 236. Si nihil attuloris , ibis , &c. Planus , an honest Swaine , but moneylesse , Besought a Lawyer to be good unto him , Who either ( gratis ) must his cause redresse , Or promise what he never meant to doe him . Being asked why he carelesse lingred it ? Made this reply , Ex nihilo nihil sit . 237. On Maids . Most Maids resemble Eve now in their lives , Who are no sooner women , then th' are wives ; As Eve knew no man , e'r fruit wrought her wo ; So these have fruit oft e'r their husbands know . 238. Vt cecidit surgit . Now Martha married is , shee 'l brave it out , Though ne'r so needy known to all about ; And reason good , she rise once in her life , That fell so oft before she was a wife . 239. On a man whose choyce was to be hang'd or married . M. Lo here 's the Bride , and there 's the Tree , Take which of these best liketh thee . R. The choyce is bad on either part , The woman's worst , drive on the Cart. 240. Women . Were women as little as they are good ; A Pescod would make them a gown and a hood . 241. On a Louse . A Louse no reason hath to deal so ill , With them of whom she hath so much her will ; She hath no tongue to speak ought in their praise , But to backbite them finds a tongue alwayes . 242. A Courtier and a Scholler meeting . A Courtier proud walking along the street , Hap'ned by chance a Scholler for to meet : The Courtier said ( minding nought more then place , Unto the Scholler ( meeting face to face ) To take the wall , base men I 'l not permit ; The Scholler said , I will ; and gave him it . 243. Cede majoribus . I took the wall , one rudely thrust me by , And told me the High-way did openly , I thank'd him that he would me so much grace , To take the worse and leave the better place ; For if by owners we esteem of things , The wall 's the Subject● , but the way the Kings . 244. On Betty . Sound teeth has Betty , pure as pearle and small , With mellow lips , and luscious therewithall . 245. A rule for Courtiers . He that will thrive in Court , must oft become , Against his will , both blind , and deaf , and dumb● 246. Why women wear a fall . A question 't is , why women wear a fall ; The truth it is , to pride they 're given all , And pride , the Proverb sayes , will have a fall . 247. For as expertus . Priscus hath been a traveller , for why ? He will so strangely swagger , swear and ly . 248. To a painted Whore. Whosoever saith thou sellest all , doth jest , Thou buy'st thy beauty , that sells all the rest . 249. Detur quod meritum . A Courtier kind in speech , curst in condition , Finding his faults could be no longer hidden , Came to his friend to clear his bad suspition , And fearing least he should be more then chidden ▪ Fell to flatt'ring and most base submission , Vowing to kisse his foot if he were bidden . My foot said he ? nay that were too submisse ; You three foot higher , well deserve to kisse . 250. Non lubens loquitur . Gluto , at meals is never heard to talk , For which the more his chaps and chin do walk , When every one that sits about the bord , Makes sport to ask , what Gluto , ne'r a word ? He forc'd to answer being very loath , I● almost choak'd , speaking and eating both . 251. On Philos. If Philos , none but those are dead , doe praise , I would I might displease him all his dayes . 252. The promise-breaker . Ventus doth promise much , but still doth break , So all his promises are great and weak : Like bubbles in the water ( round and light ) Swelling so great , that they are broke out-right , 253. Change. What now we like , anon we disapprove ; The new successor drives away old love . 254. On a passing Bell. This dolefull musick of impartiall death , Who danceth after , danceth out of breath . 255. Nummos & demona jungit ▪ Bat bids you swell with envy till you burst , So he be rich , and may his coffers fill , Bringing th' example of the Fox that 's curst And threatning folks who have least power to kill● For why 't is known , his trade can never fall , That hath already got the Devill and all . 256. Nil gratum ratione carens . Paulus a Pamphlet doth in prose present Unto his Lord ( the fruits of idle time ) Who far more carelesse , then therewith content , Wisheth it were converted into rime : Which done , and brought him at another season , Said : now 't is rime , before nor rime nor reason . 257. Non cessat perdere lusor . Ask Ficus how his luck at dicing goes : Like to the tide ( quoth he ) it ebbes and flows , Then I suppose his chance cannot be good , For all men know 't is longer ebbe than flood . 258. Womens policy . To weep oft , still to flatter , sometime spin , Are properties women excell men in . 259. Volucrem sic decipit auceps . Hidrus the Horse-courser ( that cunning mate ) Doth with the buyers thus equivocate ; Claps on his hand , and prays he may not thrive , If that his gelding be not under five . ☞ 260. Perdat qui caveat emptor . Nor lesse meant Promus when that vow he made Then to give o'r his cousening Tapsters trade , Who check'd for short and frothy measure , swore He never would from henceforth fill pot more . 261. On Death . How base hath sin made man , to fear a thing Which men call Mors ? which yet hath lost all sting , And is but a privation as we know , Nay is no word if we exempt the O : Then let good men the fear of it defie , All is but O , when they shall come to dye . 262. To Mr. Ben Iohnson , demanding the reason why he call'd his playes works . Pray tell me Ben. where doth the mystery lurk , What others call a play , you call a work . 263. Thus answer'd by a friend in Ben Iohnsons defence . The Authors friend thus for the Author sayes , Bens plays are works , when others works are plays . 264. On Crambo a lowsie shifter . By want of shift , since Lice at first are bred , And after by the same increast and fed ; Crambo I muse how you have Lice so many , Since all men know , you shift as much as any . 265. Ad Aristarchum . Be not agriev'd , my humorous line● afford Of looser language here and there a word : Who undertakes to sweep a common sink , I cannot blame him , though his broom do stink . 266. In Aulum . Aulus gives naught , men say , though much he crave Yet I can tell to whom the Pox he gave . 267. On covetous persons . Patrons are Latrons , then by this Th' are worst of greedy people , Whose cognizance a Wolfs head is , And in his mouth a steeple . 268. On a Dyer . Who hath time hath life , that he denies , This man hath both , yet still he dies . 269. Non verbera , sed verba . Two Schollars late appointed for the field ; Must , which was weakest to the other yield ; The quarrell first began about a word , Which now should be decided by the sword : But e'r they drew , there fell that alteration , As they grew friends again by disputation . 270. Love and Liberty . ●ove he that will ; it b●st likes mee ●o have my neck from loves yoke free . 271 To a neat reader . ●hou say'st my verses are rude , ragged , ruffe , ●ot like some others rimes , smooth dainty stuffe● ●pigrams are like Satyrs , rough without , ●ike Chesnuts sweet , take thou the kernell out . 272. Of Letting . ●n bed a young man with his old wife lay ▪ O wife , quoth he , I 've let a thing to day , By which I fear , I am a loser much : His wife replyes , youths bargains still are such ; So turning from him angry at her heart , She unawares let out a thundring — O wife , quoth hee , no loser am I now , A marv'lous saver I am made by you ; Young men that old wives have may never sell ; Because old wives , quoth hee , let things so well , 273. Sublata causa &c. Why studies Silvester no more the lawes , 'T is thought Duck-lane has tane away the cause . 274. Sapiat qui dives , oportet . 'T is known how well I live , sayes Romeo , And whom I list , I 'le love , or will despise : Indeed it 's reason good it should be so : For they that wealthy are , must needs be wise : But this were ill , if so it come to passe , That for your wealth you must be beg'd an 〈◊〉 275. In Dossum . Dosse riding forth , the wind was very big , And strained court'●ie with his Perriwig , Leaving his sconce behind so voyd of haire , As Esops Crow might break her Oyster there ; Fool he to think his hair could tarry fast , When Boreas tears forrests with a blast . 276. Post dulcia , finis amarus . Ienkin a Welshman that had suits in Law , Journying to London , chanc'd to steal a Cow ; For which ( pox on her luck as ne'r mon saw ) Was burnt within the fist and know not how : Being ask'd if well the Lawes with him did stand ▪ Hur have hur now ( quoth Ienkin ) in hur hand . 277. Feminae Iudificantur viros . Kind Katharine to her Husband kis● these words , Mine own sweet Will , how dearly doe I love thee ▪ If true ( quoth VVill ) the world no such affords . And that it 's true , I durst his warrant bee ; For ne'r heard I of woman good or ill , But alwayes loved best , her owne sweete will. 278. Ad Tusserum . Tusser , They tell me when thou wert alive , Thou teaching thrift , thy self couldst never thrive ; So like the wh●●stone many men are wont To sharpen others when themselves are blunt . 229. Praestat videri quam esse . Clitus with clients is well customed , That hath the Lawes but little studied ; No matter Clitus , so they bring their fees , How ill the case and thy advice agrees . 280. Tunc ●ua res agitur . A jealous Marchant that a Sailor me● , Ask'd him the reason why he meant to marry , Knowing what ill their absence might beget , That still at Sea , constrained are to tarry ? Sir ( quoth the saylor ) think you that so strange ? 'T is done the time whiles you but walke th' exchange . 281. On Skoles . Skoles stinks so deadly , that his breeches loath His dampish but tocks furthermore to cloth : Cloyd they are up with Arse ; but hope , and blast Will whirle about , and blow them thence at last . 282. A Conference . A Dane , a Spaniard , a Polonian , My self a Swisse , with an Hungarian , At supper met , discoursed each with other , Drank , laught , yet none that understood another . 283. In Marcum . Marcus is not an hypocrite , and why ? He flyes all good , to fly hypocrisy . 284. Quod non verba suadeant ? Sextus halfe sav'd his credit with a jest , That at a reckoning this devise had got , When he should come to draw amongst the rest , And saw each man had coyn , himself had not ; His empty pocket feels , and 'gins to say , In sadnesse Sirs , here 's not a crosse to pay . 285. Stupid Binus . Sith time flyes fast away , his safest flight Binus prevents with dreaming day and night . 286. In divites . Rich men their wealth as Children Rattles keep , When play'd a while with 't then they fall asleep . 287. In Fannium . What fury 's this ? his foe whilst Fannius flyes , He kils himself , for fear of death he dyes . 288. On a vaunting Poetaster . Cecilius boasts his Verses worthy be To be ingraven on a Cypresse tree ; A Cypresse wreath befits them well , 't is true ; For they are near their death and crave but due . 289. In divites iracundo● . Rich friends 'gainst poor to anger still are prone : It is not well but profitably done . 290. Durum telum necessitas . Coquus with hunger pennilesse constrain'd To call for meat and wine three shillings cost , Had suddenly this project entertain'd , In stead of what 's to pay , to call mine host ; Who being come entreateth him discusse , What price the Law alots for shedding blood : Whereto mine Host directly answers thus ; 'T was alwayes forty pence he understood : So then , quoth Coquus , to requite your pains , Pray break my head , and give me what remains ▪ 291. To an upstart . Thy old friends thou forgotst having got wealth ▪ No marvaile , for thou hast forgot thy selfe . 292. Ambition . In wayes to greatnesse , think on this , That slippery all Ambition is . 293. Suum cuiq●e . A strange contention being lately had , Which kind of Musick was the sweet'st and best , Some praise the sprightly sound , and some the sad Some lik't the Viols ; and among the rest , Some in the Bag-pipes commendation spoke , Quoth one stood by , give me a pipe of smoke . 294. In Prodigum . Each age of men new fashions doth invent ; Things which are old , young men do not esteem ▪ What pleasd our Fathers , doth not us content : What flourish'd then , we out of fashion deem : And that 's the cause as I doe understand , Why Prodigus did sell his Fathers Land. 295. In Medicum . When Mingo cryes , how do you sir ? 't is thought He Patients wanteth ; and his practice's naught : Wherefore of late , now every one he meeteth , With [ I am glad to see you well ] he greeteth : But who 'l believe him now , when all can tell , The world goes ill with him , when all are well ? 296. On Zelot . Is Zelot pure ? he is : yee see he wears The signe of Circumcision in his ears . 297. Crispati crines plumae dant calcar amori . Why is young Annas thus with feathers dight ? And on his shoulder wears a dangling lock ? The one foretels hee 'l sooner fly then fight , The other shows hee 's wrapt in 's mothers smock . But wherefore wears he such a jingling spur ? O know , he deals with Jades that will not stir . 298. On Boung-Bob . Bob , thou , nor souldier , theef , nor fencer art , Yet by thy weapon liv'st , th' hast one good part , 299. On Glaucus . Glaucus a man , a womans hair doth wear , But yet he wears the same comb'd out behind : So men the wallet of their faults doe bear , For if before him , he that fault should find : I think foul shame would his faire face invade , To see a man so like a woman made . 300. On Crab. Crab faces gowns with sundry Furres ; 't is know● ▪ He keeps the Fox-furre for to face his own . 301. Dolo intimus . Nor Hauk , nor Hound , nor Hors , those letters hhh ▪ But ach it self , 't is Brutus bones attaches . 302. Of Batardus . Batardus needs would know his Horoscope , To see if he were born to scape the rope : The Magus said , ere thou mine answer have , I must the name of both thy parents crave : That said , Batardus could not speak but spit ; For on his fathers name he could not hit : And out of doors at last he stept with shame , To ask his mother for his fathers name . 303. Consuetudo lex . Two wooers for a wench were each at strife , Which should enjoy her to his wedded wife , Quoth th' one , she 's mine , because I first her saw ; She 's mine , quoth th' other , by Pye-corner law● Where sticking once a prick on what you buy , It 's then your own , which no man must deny . 304. On Womens deniall . Women , although they ne're so goodly make it , Their fashion is but to say no , and take it . 305. In Battum . Battus affirm'd no Poet ever writ , Before that love inspir'd his dull-head wit : And that himself in love had wit no more , Then one stark mad , though somwhat wise before . 306. On Marriage . Wedding and hanging the Destinies dispatch , But hanging seems to some the better match . 307. Vidua aurata . Gallus hath got a widow wondrous old , The reason is he woo'd her for her gold : Knowing her Maids are young and serve for hire , Which is as much as Gallus doth desire . 308. In Dol praegnantem . Dol learning Propria quae maribus without Book , Like Nomen crescent is genitivo doth look . 309. Timidos fortuna repellit . When Miles the Serving-man my Lady kist , She knew him not ( though scarcely could resist ) For this ( quoth he ) my Master bid me say ; — How 's that ( quoth she ) and frowning flings away : Vext to the heart , she took her mark amisse , And that she should a serving creature kisse . Why thus it is when fools must make it known , They come on others businesse , not their own . 310. Against a certain — For mad-men Bedlam , Bridewell for a Knave , Choose whether of those two th'adst rather have . 311. Loves progresse . Loves first approach , delights sweet song doth sing : But in departure , she woes sting doth bring . 312. On old Scylla . Scylla is toothlesse , yet , when she was young , She had both teeth enough , and too much tongue . What shall I then of toothlesse Scylla say , But that her tongue hath worn her teeth away ? 313. On Gallants cloaks . Without , plain cloaks ; within , plush't : but I doubt The wearer's worst within , and best without . 314. On Banks the Vserer . Banks feels no lamenesse on his knotty Gout , His money travels for him in and out : ●nd though the soundest legs goe every day , ●e toils to be a● Hell as soon as they . 315. Pecunia praevalens . ●ell Tom of Plato's worth or Aristotles ; ●ang't , give him wealth enough ; let wit stop bottles . 316. On the same . ●om vow'd to beat his boy against the wall , ●nd as he struck he forthwith caught a fall : ●he boy deriding , said , I doe aver , ●'have done a thing , you cannot stand to sir. 317. On Debt . To be indebted is a shame men say , Then 't is confessing of a shame to pay . 318. A forsworn Maid . ●osa being false and perjur'd , once a friend ●id me contented be , and mark her end : But yet I care not , let my friend goe fiddle ; ●et him mark her end , I 'l mark her middle . 319. Adversity . ●ove is maintain'd by wealth , when all is spent , Adversity then breeds the discontent . 320. On Soranzo . Soranzo's broad-brim hat I oft compare To the vast compasse of the heavenly sphere : His head , the Earth's glo●● , fixed under it ; Whose center is , his wondrous little wit. 321. To a great Guest . With other Friends I bid you to my Feast , Though coming late , yet are you not the least . 322. In Cottam . Cotta when he hath din'd saith , God be praisd , Yet never praiseth God for meat or drink : Sith Cotta speaketh , and not practiseth , He speaketh surely what he doth not think . 323. De Corde & Lingua . The tongue was once a Servant to the heart , And what it gave she freely did impart : But now hypocrisie is grown so strong , She makes the heart a servant to the tongue . 324. On Rumpe . Rump is a Turn-spit , yet he seldome can Steale a swolne sop out of the dripping-pan . 325. On Poverty . If thou be poor , thou shalt be ever so , None now do wealth , but on the rich bestow . 326. In Ebriosum . Fie man ( saith she ) but I tell Mistrisse Anne , Her drunken Husband is no drunken man. For those wits which are overcome with drink , Are voyd of reason , and are Beasts I think . 327. Wills error . Will sayes his wife 's so fat , she scarce can go , But she as nimbly answers , Faith Si● no : Alas good Will , thou art mistaken quite , For all men know , that she is wondrous light . 328. On Rome . Hate and debate , Rome through the world hath spread , Yet Roma , amor is , if backward read : Then is 't not strange , Rome hate should foster ? no , For out of backward love all hate doth grow . 329. On Tuck . At Post and Paire , or Slam , Tom Tuck would play This Christmasse , but his want therewith , says nay . 330. Some thing no savour . All things have savour , though some but small ; Nay , a box on th' eare , hath no smell at all . 331. Art , Fortune , and Ignorance . When Fortune fell asleep , and hate did blind her , Art , Fortune lost ; and Ignorance did find her : Sith when , dull Ignorance with Fortunes store , Hath been inrich'd , and Art hath still been poor . 332. On Bibens . Bibens to shew his liberality , Made Lusus drunk ; ( a noble quality , And much esteem'd ) which Bibens faln would pro●● To be the signe of his familiar love : Lusus beware , thou 'lt finde him in the end , Familiar Devil , no familiar friend . 333. On Tobacco . Things which are common , common men do us● The better shrt doe common things refuse : Yet Countries-cloth-breech , & Court-velvet-hose Puffe both alike Tobacco through the nose . 334. On Cupid . Cupid no wonder was not cloth'd of old , For love though naked , seldome e'r is cold . 335. On Ebrio . See where Don Ebrio , like a Dutchman goes , Yet drunk with English Ale , one would suppose That he would shoulder down each door & wall , But they must stand , or he , poor fool must fall . 336. On Love. Love hath two divers wings , as lovers say : Thou following him , with one he flyes away ; With th' other , if thou fly he follows thee : Therefore the Last , Love , onely use for me . 337. On the same . Love , as 't is said , doth work with such strange tools , That he can make fools wise-men , wise-men fools , Then happy I , for being nor fool , nor wise , Love with his toyes and tools I shall despise . 338. On a Woman . Some the word Woman fetch , though with small skil , From those that want one to effect their wil If so , I think that wantons there are none , For till the world want men , can they want none . 339. Ingluviem sequitur fames . Curio would feed upon the daintiest fare , That with the Court or Country might compare : For what lets Curio that he need to care , To frolick freely with the proud'st that dare : But this excesse was such in all things rare , As he prov'd bankrupt e'r he was aware . 340. On Maulsters . Such Maulsters as ill measure sell for gain , Are not meer knaves , but also knaves in grain . 341. In Corbum . Corbus will not , perswade him all I can , The world should take him for a Gentleman : His reason 's this , because men should not deem , That he is such as he doth never seem . 342. On Priscus Mistresse . Priscus commends his Mistris for a Girle , Whose lips be rubies , and whose teeth are pearle ▪ Th 'had need prove so , or else it will be found , He payes too door ; they cost him many a pound ▪ 343. On Women . Women think wo — men far more constant be , Than we — men , and the letter O we see , In wo — men , not in we — men , as they say , Figures earths constant Orbe ; we — men say nay It means the Moon , which proves ( none think i● strang● Women are cōstant , & most true in change . 344. On Souldiers . Nor faith , nor conscience common soldiers carry ▪ Best pay , is right ; their hands are mercenary . 345. Drusius and Furio. Furio would fight with Drusius in the field , Because the straw , stout Drusius would not yield , On which their Mistris trod ; they both did meet ; Drusius in field fell dead at Furio's feet ; One had the straw , but with it this Greek letter π The other lost it , pray who had the better ? 346. On Cupid . Love is a Boy , and subject to the rod Some say , but Lovers say he is a God : I think that love is neither god nor boy , But a mad brains imaginary toy . 347. On Candidus . When I am sick , not else , thou com'st to see me , Would fortune from both torments still would free me . 348. On a Puritan . From impure mouths , now many bear the name Of Puritan , yet merit not the same . This one shall onely be my Puritan That is a knave , yet seems an honest man. 349. Ostendit hedera vinum . A scoffing mate , that past along Cheap-side , Incontinent a gallant lasse espide ; Whose tempting Breasts ( as to the sale laid out ) Incites this youngster thus to 'gin to flout . Lady ( quoth he ) is this flesh to be sould ? No Lord ( quoth she ) for silver nor for gold , But wherefore aske you ? ( and there made a stop ) To buy ( quoth he ) if not shut up your shop . 350. Quantum mutatus ab illo ! Pedes grown proud makes men admire thereat , Whose baser breeding , should they think not beare it , Nay , he on cock-horse rides , how like you that ? Tut ! Pedes proverb is , Win gold and weare it . But Pedes you have seen them rise in hast , That through their pride have broke their neck at last . 351. Vpon Lavina . Lavina brought to bed , her husband lookes To know's childs fortune throughout his books , His neighbours think h 'had need search backward rather , And learn for certain who had been the father . 352. Report and Error . Error by Error , Tales by Tales , great grow ; As Snow-balls doe , by rowling to and fro . 353. In Superbum . Rustick Suerbus fine new cloths hath got , Of Taffata and velvet , fair in sight ; The shew of which hath so bewitcht the sot , That he thinks Gentlemen to be his right : But he 's deceiv'd ; for true that is of old , An Ape 's an Ape , though he wear cloth of gold . 354. No truth in Wine . Truth is in wine , but none can find it there , For in your Taverns , men will lye and sweare . 355. On Infidus . Infidus was so free of Oaths last day , That he would swear , what e'r he thought to say : But now such is his chance , whereat he 's griev'd The more he swears , the lesse he is believ'd . 356. On Celsus . Celsus doth love himself , Celsus is wise , For now no Rivall e'r can claim his prize . 357. On Christmasse Ivy. At Christmasse men doe alwayes Ivy get , And in each corner of the house it set : But why doe they , then , use that Bacchus weed ? Because they mean , then Bacchus-like to feed . 358. Adversity . Adversity hurts none , but onely such Whom whitest fortune dandled has too much . 359. On Bacchus . Pot-lifting Bacchus to the earth did bend His knee to drink a health unto his friend : And there he did so long in liquour pour , That he lay quite sick-drunk upon the floor . Judge , was there not a drunkards kindnes shown , To drink his friend a health , and loose his own ? 360. Of a fat man. He 's rich , that hath great in-comes by the year : Then that great belly'd man is rich , I 'l swear : For sure his belly ne'r so big had bin , Had he not daily had great commings in . 361. A wished Cramp . Some have the Cramp in legs , and hands , 't is told , I wish't in my wifes tongue , when she doth scold . 362. Vindicta vim sequitur . Nick being kick'd and spurr'd , pursues the Law , That doom'd the dammage at twice forty pence . Which , when the party which had wrong'd him , saw ; Thought 't was too great a fine for such offence . Why then , quoth Nick , if I too much request , Thou maist at any time kick out the rest . 363. On Flaccus . Flaccus being young , they said he was a Gull ; Of his simplicity each mouth was full : And pittying him , they 'd say , the foolish Lad Would surely be deceived , of all he had . His youth is past , now may they turn him loose ; For why ? the gull is grown to be a Goose. 364. Per plumas anser . See how young Rusus walks in green each day , As if he ne'r was youthfull until now : Ere Christmas next , his green Goose will be gray , And those high burnish'd plumes in 's cap wil bow : But you do wrong him , since his purse is full , To call him Goose , that is so young a Gull. 365. Of Ienkin. Ienkin is a rude Clowne , goe tell him so ; What need I tell , what he himself doth know ? Perhaps he doth not , then he is a sot ; For tell me , what knows he that knows it not ? 365. On Trigg . Trigg having turn'd his sute he struts in state , And tells the world he 's now regenerate . 366. To Fortune . Poets say Fortune's blind , and cannot see , And therefore to be born withall , if she Sometimes drops gifts on undeserving wights : But sure they are deceiv'd ; she hath her sight ; Else could it not at all times so fall out , That fools should have , and wise men go without . 367. On Briscus . I pray you give Sir Briscus leave to speak , The Gander loves to hear himself to creak . 368. On an English Ape . Would you believe , when you this Monsieur see , That his whole body should speak French , not he ? That he untravell'd should be French so much , As French men in his company should seem Dutch ? Or hung some Monsieurs picture on the wall ; By which his damne conceiv'd him , cloaths & all ? No , 't is the new French Taylors motion , made Dayly to walk th' Exchange , and help the trade . 369. Possessions . Those possessions short liv'd are Into the which we come by warre . 370. Nulla dies sine linea . By ever learning , Solon waxed old , For time he knew , was better far then gold : Fortune would give him gold which would decay But Fortune cannot give him yesterday . 371. In Cornutum . One told his wife , a Harts-head he had bought , To hang his hat upon , and home it brought : To whom his frugall wife , what need● that care ? I hope , sweet-heart , your head your hat can beare . 372. On More-dew . More-dew the Mercer ; with a kind salute , Would needs intreat my custome for a suite : Here Sir , quoth he , for Sattins , Velvets call , What e'r you please , I 'l take your word for all . I thank'd , took , gave my word ; say than , Am I at all indebted to this man ? 373. Pari jugo dulcis tractus . When Caecus had bin wedded now three dayes , And all his neighbours bad God give him joy , This strange conclusion with his wife assayes , Why til her marriage-day she prov'd so coy : 'Fore God ( saith he ) 't was well thou didst not yeild For doubtless then my purpose was to leave thee . Oh Sir ( quoth she ) I once was so beguild , And thought the next man should not so deceive me . Now fie upon 't ( quo●h he ) thou breedst my wo. Why man ( quoth she ) I speak but quid pro quo . 374. On Sims mariage . Six months , quoth Sim , a Suiter , and not sped ? I in a sev'n-night did both woo and wed Who green fruit loves , must take long paines to shake ; Thine was some down-fall , I dare undertake . 375. Vpon Sis. Si● brags sh' hath beauty , and will prove the same : As how ? as thus Sir ; 't is her Puppies name . 376. On Clym . Clym cals his wife , and reckoning all his neighbors , Just half of them are Cuckolds , he avers . Nay sie , quoth she , I would they heard you speak ; You of your self , it seems , no reckoning make . 377. On Gut. Science puffs up , sayes Gut , when either Pease Make him thus swell , or windy Cabbages . 378. On Womens faults . We men in many faults abound , But two in women can be found : The worst that from their Sex proceeds , Is naught in words , and naught in deeds . 379. To a Muck-worm . Content great riches is , to make which true , Your Heir would be content to bury you . 380. On Law. Our Civil Law doth seem a Royall thing , It hath more titles then the Spanish King : But yet the Common-Law quite puts it down , In getting , like the Pope , so many a Crown . 381. In Coam . A nor ☊ will Coa espy , Til she ascend up to the corner'd π 382. Maids Nay's . Mayds Nayes are nothing , they are shy But to desire what they deny . 383. De Ore. Os of O , a Mouth , Scaliger doth make ; And from this letter , Mouth his name doth take : And I had been of Scaligers belief , But that I look'd in O , and saw no Teeth . 384. In Hugonem . Though praise , and please , doth Hugo never none , Yet praise , and please , doth Hugo ever one ; For praise , and please , doth Hugo himselfe alone . 385. On Severus . Severus is extream in eloquence , For he creates rare phrase , but rarer sense : Unto his Serving-man , alias his Boy , He utters speech exceeding quaint and coy ; Diminutive , and my defective slave , My pleasures pleasure is , that I must have My Corps Coverture , and immediately , T'insconce my person from frigility . His Man believ's all 's Welsh his Master spoke , Til he rails English , Rogue go fetch my Cloke . 386. On Iulias weeping . She by the River sate , and sitting there , She wept , and made it deeper by a teare . 387. On a Gallant . What Gallant 's that , whose Oaths fly through mine ears ? How like a Lord of Pluto's Court he swears ! How Dutchman-like he swallowes down his drink ! How sweet he takes Tobacco til he stink ! How lofty sprighted he disdains a Boor ! How faithfull hearted he is to a — ! How Cock-tail proud he doth himself advance ! How rare his spurs do ring the Morrice-dance ! Now I protest by Mistris Susans Fan , He and his boy will make a proper man. 388. On Vertue , Milla's Maid . Saith Aristotle , Vertue ought to be Communicative of her self & free ; And hath not Vertue , Milla's maid , been so ? Who 's grown hereby , as big as she can go . 389. On Corydon . An home-spun Peasant with his Urine-glasse , The Doctor ask'd what Country-man he was . Quoth Corydon , with making legs full low , Your worship , that , shall by my water know . 390. On a Spanish Souldier . A Spanish Souldier , sick unto the death , His Pistol to 's Physitian did bequeath . Who did demand , what should the reason be , 'Bove other things to give him that ; ( quoth he ) This with your practice joyned , you may kill , Sir , all alive , and have the world at will. 391. Vpon the Asse . The Asse a Courtier on a time would be , And travel'd forrain Nations for to see ; But home returned , fashion he could none , His main and tail were onely larger grown . 392. On Hypocrisie . As Venison in a poor mans Kitchin 's rare ; So Hypocrites and Usurers in Heaven are . 393. Daemonum certamen . A Broker and an Usurer contended , Which in 's profession was the most befriended ; And for experience more to have it tride , A Scrivener must the difference decide , To whom ( quoth he ) you like the Fox & Cub , One shall be Mammon , th' other Belzebub . 394. On Love. Love 's of it selfe too sweet ; the b●st of all Is ; when Loves honey has a dash of gall . 395. On Man and Woman . When Man and Woman dyes , as Poets sung ; His Heart 's the last that stirs , of hers the Tongue . 396. On Fabullus . I ask'd Fabullus , why he had no wife ? ( Quoth he ) because I 'd live a quiet life . 397. On Fornus . Fornus takes pains , he need not without doubt , O yes , he labours much . How ? with the Gout . 398. Quid non ebrietas . Rubin reports , his Mistris is a Punk : Which being told her , was no whit dismaid , For sure as death ( quoth she ) the Villains drunk ▪ And in that taking , knows not what he said . 'T was well excus'd , but oft it comes to passe , That true we find , In vino veritas . 399. No Paines , no Gaines . If little labour , little are our gaines , Mans fortunes are according to his pains . 400. Infirmis animosus . Pontus by no means from his coyn departs , Z'foot , will you have of men more then their hearts ? 401. A culina ad curiam . Lixa , that long a Serving-groom hath been , Will now no more the man be known or seen : And reason good , he hath the place resign'd ; Witnesse his cloak , throughout with Velvet lin'd , Which by a Paradox comes thus to passe ; The greasie Gull is turn'd a gallant asse . 402. Frustra vocaveris heri . Dick had but two words to maintain him ever , And that was Stand , and after stand Deliver . But Dick's in Newgate , and he fears shall never Be blest again with that sweet word , Deliver . 403. Magnis non est morandum . See how Silenus walks accomplished , With due performance of his fathers page : Looks back of purpose to be honoured , And on each slight occasion 'gins to rage ; You , villain , dog , where hath your stay bin such ? Quoth he , the Broker would not lend so much . 404. Puduit sua damna referre . Such ill successe had Dick at Dice last night , As he was forc'd , next day , play least in sight : But if you love him , make thereof no speeches , He lost his Rapier , Cloak , and Velvet Breeches . 405. Ad Lectorem . Reader , thou seest how pale these papers look , While they fear thy hard censure on my Book . 406. Nimis docuit consuetudo . Old Fucus board is oft replenished , But nought thereof must be diminished , Unlesse some worthlesse upper-dish or twain ; The rest for service still again remain . His man that us'd to bring them in for show , Leaving a dish upon the bench below , Was by his Master ( much offended ) blam'd , Which he , as brief , with answer quickly fram'd ; T' hath been so often brought afore this day , As now ch'ad thoft it selfe had known the way . 407. Poculo junguntur amici . A health , saith Lucas , to his Loves bright ey ; Which not to pledge , were much indignity ; You cannot doe him greater courtesie , Then to be drunk , and dam'd for company . 408. Nullum stimulum ignaris . Caecus awake , was tol'd the Sun appear'd , Which had the darknesse of the morning clear'd : But Caecus sluggish , thereto makes reply , The Sun hath further far to goe then I. 409. In Richardum . At three goe-downs Dick doffs me off a pot , The English Gutter's Latine for his throat . 410. Non penna , sed usus . Cajus accounts himself accurst of men , Onely because his Lady loves him not : Who , till he taught her , could not hold her pen , And yet hath since , another Tutor got . Cajus it seems , Thy skill she did but cheapen , And means to try him at another weapon . 411. An absolute Gallant . If you will see true valour here display'd , Heare Poly-phemus , and be not afraid . D' ye see me wrong'd , and will ye thus restrain me ? Sir let me go , for by these hilts I 'l brain ye . Shall a base patch with appearance wrong me ? I 'l kill the villain , pray do not prolong me . Call my Tobacco putrified stuffe ? Tell me it stinks ? say it is drosse I snuffe ! Sirrah ! what are you ? why Sir , what would you ? I am a Prentice , and will knock you too : O are you so ? I cry you mercy then , I am to fight with none but Gentlemen . 412. To Momus . Momus thou say'st my Verses are but toyes : 'T is true , yet truth is often spoke by boyes . 413. In Dolentem . Dolens doth shew his purse , and tell you this , It is more horrid then a Pest-house is ; For in a Pest-house many mortals enter , But in his purse one Angel dares not venter . 414. Abditio perditio . From Mall but merry , men but mirth derive , For trix 't is makes her prove demonstrative . 415. On a Gallant . Sirrah , come hither , boy , take view of me , My Lady I am purpos'd to goe see ; What doth my Feather flourish with a grace ? And this my curled hair become my face ? How decent doth my Doublet 's form appear ? I would I had my Sute in Long-lane here . Do not my spurs pronounce a silver sound ? Is not my hose-circumference profound ? Sir these be well , but there is one thing ill , Your Taylor with a sheet of Paper-bill , Vowes hee 'l be paid , and Sergeants he hath fee'd , Which wait your coming forth to do the deed . Boy God-a-mercy , let my Lady stay , I 'll see no Counter for her sake to day . 416. In Sextum . Sextus six pockets wears , two for his uses , The other four to pocket up abuses . 417. A Stammerer . Balbus with other men would angry be , Because they could not speak as well as he ; For others speak but with their mouth he knows , But Balbus speaks both through the mouth & nose . 418. On himselfe . I dislikt but even now ; Now I love I know not how . Was I idle , and that while Was I fired with a smile ? I le to work , or pray , and then I shall quite dislike agen . 419. Tom's fortune . Tom tel's he 's rob'd , and counting all his losses , Concludes , all 's gone , the world is full of crosses : If all be gone , Tom take this comfort then , Th' art certain never to have crosse agen . 420. Opus and Vsus . Opus for need consum'd his wealth apace , And ne'r would cease untill he was undone ; His brother Vsus liv'd in better case Than Opus did , although the eldest son . 'T is strange it should be so , yet here was it , Opus had all the Land , Vsus the Wit. 421. A good Wife . A Batchelor would have a Wife were wise , Fair , rich , and young , a maiden for his bed — Nor proud , nor churlish , but of faultlesse size ; A Country houswife in the City bred . But he 's a fool , and long in vain hath staid ; He should bespeak her , there 's none ready made . 422. Anger . Wrong● if neglected , vanish in short time ; But heard with anger , we confesse the crime . 423. Vpon Gellia . When Gellia went to school , and was a Girle ; Her teeth for whitenes might compare with pearle But after she the taste of sweet meats knew , They turn'd all Opals , to a perfect blew ; Now Gellia takes Tobacco , what should let , But last they should converted be to jet ? 424. On an unconstant Mistresse . I dare not much say when I thee commend , Lest thou be changed e'r my praises end . 425. In Lesbiam . Why should I love thee Lesbia ? I no reason see : Then out of reason , Lesbia , I love thee . 426. In Paulinum . Paul by day wrongs me , yet he daily swears , He wisheth me as well as to his soul : I know his drift to damn that he nought cares , To please his body , therefore good friend Paul , If thy kinde nature will afford me grace , Hereafter love me in thy body's place . 427. On Zeno. Zeno would fain th' old widow Egle have ; Trust me he 's wise , for she is rich and brave : But Zeno , Zeno , she will none of you ; In my mind she 's the wiser of the two . 428. Of a Drunkard . Cinna one time most wonderfully swore , That whilst he breath'd he would drink no more ▪ But since I know his meaning , for I think He meant he would not breath whilst he did drink . 429. To Cotta . Be not wroth Cotta , that I not salute thee , I us'd it whilst I worthy did repute thee ; Now thou art made a painted Saint , and I , Cotta , will not commit Idolatry . 430. To Women . Ye that have beauty , and withall no pitty , Are like a prick-song lesson without ditty 431. On Creta . Creta doth love her husband wondrous well , It needs no proof , for every one can tell : So strong 's her love , that if I not mistake , It doth extend to others for his sake . 432. On Priscus . Why still doth Priscus strive to have the wall ? Because he 's often drunk and fears to fall . 433. On Rufus . At all , quoth Rufus , lay you what you dare , I 'l throw at all , and 't were a peck of gold ; No life lies on 't , then coyn I 'l never spare ; Why Rufus , that 's the cause of all that 's sold ? For with frank Gamesters it doth oft befall , They throw at all , till thrown quite out of all . 434. On Tobacco . Tobacco is a weed of so great pow'r , That it ( like earth ) doth all it feeds , devour . 435. Vpon Nasuto . When at the Table once I did averre , Well-taken discord , best did please the ear , And would be judg'd by any Q●irister , Were in the Chappel , Pauls , or Westminster ; Nasuto sitting at the nether end , ( First having drunk and cough'd ) quoth he my friend , If that were true , my wife and I , I feare , Should soon be sent to some Cathedral Q●ire . 436. Nec vultus indicat virum . Dick in a raging deep discourtesy , Calls an Atturny meer Necessity : The more knave he ; admit he had no Law , Must he be flouted at by every Daw ? 437. On Furius . Furius a lover was , and had loving fits , He lov'd so madly that he lost his wits ; Yet he lost nought , yet grant I , he was mad , How could he lose that which he never had ? 438. Fools Fortune . Fools have great fortune , but yet not all , For some are great fools , whose fortune 's small . 439. Tace sed age . Little or nothing said , soon mended is , But they that nothing do , do most amisse . 440. On Count-surly . Count-surly will no Scholler entertain : Or any wiser then himself ; how so ? The reason is , when fools are in his train , His wit amongst them , makes a goodly show . 441. On Women . When man lay dead-like , woman took her life , From a crook't embleme of her nuptiall strife ; And hence ( a● bones would be at rest ) her ease She loves so well , and is so hard to please . 442. Verses . Who will not honour noble Numbers , when Verses out-live the bravest deeds of men ? 443. Poor Irus . Irus using to lye upon the ground , One morning under him a feather found , Have I all night here lien so hard ( quoth he ) Having but one poor feather under me : I wonder much then how they take their ease , That night by night , lie on a bed of these . 444. Merry Doll . I blame not lusty Doll , that strives so much , To keep her light heart free from sorrowes touch ; Shee 'l dance and sing a hem boyes , hey all six , She 's steel to th' back , all mirth , all meretrix . 445. Heaven and Hell. I● Heaven 's call'd the place where Angels dwell , My purse wants Angels , pray call that Hell. 446. Like qu●stion like answer . A young beginner walking through Cheap-side , A house shut up he presently espy'd And read the Bill , which o'r the door was set , Which said , the house and shop was to be let ; That known , he ask'd a young man presently , Which at the next door stood demurely . May not this shop be let alone ? qoth he , Yes , you may let 't alone for ought I see . 447. On deaf Ioan. She prates to others , yet can nothing heare , Just like a sounding Jugge that wants an eare . 448. Of an ill wife . Priscus was weeping when his wife did dye , Yet he was then in better case then I : I should be merry , and should think to thrive , Had I but his dead wife for mine alive . 449. Meum & Tuum . Megge lets her husband boast of rule and riches , But she rules all the roast , and wears the breeches . 450. Deaths trade . Death is a Fisherman , the world we see His Fish-pond is , and we the Fishes be . He sometimes , Angler-like , doth with us play , And slily takes us one by one away ; Diseases are the murthering-books , which he Doth catch us with , the bait mortality , Which we poor silly fish devour , til strook , At last too late we feel the bitter hook . At other times he brings his net , and then At once sweeps up whole Cities ful of men , Drawing up thousands at a draught , and saves Onely some few , to make the others graves : His Net some raging pestilence ; now he Is not so kind as other Fishers be ; For if they take one of the smaller ●rye , They throw him in again , he shall not dye : But death is sure to kill all he can get , And all is Fish with him that comes to Net. 451. O● Bice . Bice laughs when no man speak● , and doth protest It is his own breech there that break● the jest . 452. Valiant in drinke . Who onely in his Cups will ●ight , is like A clock that must be oil'd wel ere it strike . 453. Master and Scholler . A Pedant ask'd a Puny ripe and bold , In an hard frost , the Latine word for cold : I 'l tell you out of hand , ( quoth he ) for lo , I have it at my fingers ends , you know . 454. Gasters great belly . Gaster did seem to me to want his eyes , For he could neither see his legs nor thighs ; But yet it was not so ; he had his sight , Onely his belly hanged in his light . 455. Drunken Dick. When Dick for want of drunken mates grows sick , Then with himself to work goes faithfull Dick. The buttery dore t'himself he shutteth close That done , then goes the pot straight wayes to 's nose : A health ( quoth noble Dick ) each hogs-head than Must seeming pledge this honest faithfull man : But straight from kindnes Dick to humors grows , And then to th'barrels he his valour shows , Throwing about the cups , the pots , the glasses , And rails at the tuns , calling them drunken asses : Ne'r ceasing this same faithfull coyl to keep , Till under th'hogshead Dick fals fast asleep . 456. In Sextinum . A pretty block Sextinus names his Hat , So much the fitter for his head by that . 457. Sine sanguine . Ralph challeng'd Robin , time and place appointed , Their Parents heard on 't , O how they lamented ! But good luck was , they soon were freed of fear , The one ne'r meant , the other came not there . 458. On humane Bodies . Our bodies are like shooes , which off we cast , Physick their Cobler is , and death the Last . 459. On Trencherman . Tom shifts the Trenchers , yet he never can , Endure that luke-warm name of Servingman ; Serve or not serve , let Tom doe what he can , He is a serving , who 's a Trencher-man . 460. A Toothlesse-pratler . Nature the teeth doth as an hedge ordain , The nimble frisking tongue for to contain : No marvel then since that the hedge is out , If Fuscus tongue walketh so fast about . 461. A musicall Lady . A Lady fairer far then fortunate , ( In dancing ) thus o'r-shot her self of late , The Musick not in tune , pleasd not her mind , For which he with the Fidlers fault did find ; Fidlers ( quoth she ) your Fiddles tune for shame ▪ But as she was a speaking of the same , To mend the consort , let she did a ( F. ) Whereas the fidling knaves thus did her greet , Madam your pipe 's in tune , it plays most sweet ; Strike up , qd . they , ( but then the knaves did smile ) And as you p●p● , wee 'l dance another while . At which , away the blushing Lady flings , But as she goes , her former notes she sings . 462. In Laurettam . Lauretta is laid o'r , how I 'l not say , And yet I think two manner of wayes I may , Doubly laid o'r , videlicet , her face , Laid o'r with colours , and her coat with lace . 463. On Macer . You call my verses toy's , th' are so , 't is true , Yet they are better then ought comes from you . 464. Briskap the Gallant . Though thou hast little judgement in thy head , More than to dresse thee , drink and goe to bed ; Yet may'st thou take the wall , & th' way shalt lead , Sith Logick wills that simple things precede . 465. Necessity hath no Law. Florus did beat his Cook , and 'gan to sweaee , Because his meat was rotten roasted there . Peace good Sir ( quoth the Cook ) Need hath no Law , 'T is rotten roasted , 'cause 't was rotten raw . 466. In Carientium . Garentius might have wedded where he woo'd , But he was poor , his means was nothing good , 'T was but for lack of living that he lost her ; For why ? no penny now , no Pater noster . 467. On Harpax . Harpax gave to the poor all by his will , Because his heir should not faign'd tears distill . 468. To a Barber . Tonsorius onely lives by cutting haire , And yet he brags that Kings to him sit bare : Me thinks he should not brag and boast of it , For he must stand to beggars while they sit . 469. Vpon Grand●orto . The morrow after just Saint Georges day , Grand●orto piteous drunk , sate in a ditch , His hands by 's side , his gelding stray'd away , His scarlet hose , and doublet very rich ; With mud and mire all beastly raid , and by His feather with his close-stool-hat did ly . We ask'd the reason of his sitting there , Zounds 'cause I am King Solomon ( quoth he ) And in my Throne ; then for the Love we beare , ( Replyed my selfe ) unto your Majesty , Wee 'l pull you out , & henceforth wish your grace Would speak your Proverbs in a warmer place . 470. The Fencer and Physick Doctor . Lie thus ( the Fencer cryes ) thus must you guard , Thus must you slip , thus point , thus pass , thus ward And if you kill him Sir , this trick learn then With this same trick you may kill many men . A Doctor standing by , cryes , Fencing fool , Both you & he to me may come to school , Thou dost but prate : my deeds shall show my skil Where thou hurt'st one , an hundred I doe kill . 471. In Lusiam . Lusia who scorns all others imitations , Cannot abide to be out-gone in fashions : She sayes she cannot have a hat or ruffe , A gown , a peticoat , a band , or cuffe . But that these Citizens ( whom she doth hate ) Will get into 't , at ne'r so dear a rate : But Lusia now doth such a fashion wear , Whose hair is curl'd , and costs her som what dear : That there 's no Citizen , what e'r she be , Can be transform'd so like an Owl as she . 472. Kisses . Give the food that satisfies a Guest : Kisses are but dry banquets to a feast 473. A Civilian . A lusty old grown-grave gray-headed Sire , Stole to a wench , to quench his lusts desire ; She ask'd him what profession he might be ? I am a Civil Lawyer , Girle , ( quoth he ) A Civil Lawyer Sir ! you make me muse , Your talk 's too broad for Civil men to use ; If Civil Lawyers are such bawdy men , Oh what ( quoth she ) are other Lawyers then ? 474. Rainaldo , and Rainer . Rainaldo meeting Reiner in the street , Deep in his debt , he doth thus Reiner greet , You know some money is betwixt us two , That well-nigh now these ten years hath bin due ; Quoth Reiner ( looking down unto his feet ) I'●aith and we will part it , if I see 't : But as I live Rainaldo I find none , As fain as you , I would you had your owne . 475. Spinus his choyce . Spinus would wed , but he would have a wench That hath all tongues , Italian , Spanish , French , But I disswade him ; for if she hath any , She hath enough ; if two , she hath too too many . 476. Backbiters . When Codrus catches fleas , what e'r he ailes , He kils them with his teeth , not his nails ; Saying , that man by man may blamelesse go , If every one would use Backbiters so . 477. In Salonus . Oft in the night Salonus is inclin'd , To rise and pisse ; and doth as oft break wind ▪ If 's Urinall be glasse , as 't is no doubt , I wonder it so many cracks holds out . 478. In Leonatum . The filthiest , the fowlest , deformedst lasse , That is , will be , I think or ever was , Leonatus loves ; wherewith should she him draw , Except as she 's like jet , he be like straw ? 479. Nosce teipsum . Walking and meeting one not long ago , I ask't who 't was , he said he did not know : I said , I know thee ; so said he , I you , But he that knows himselfe I never knew . 480. An Old Silvium . Silvius by Simony a living got , And he liv'd well upon it ; pray why not ? For he the poor did pill , the rich did lurch , And so became a pillar of the Church . 481. On Perfumes . They that smel least , smell best : which intimates , They smell like Beasts that smell like Civet Cats . 482. Arcades ambo . Iack and Dick both with one woman dealt So long till she the pains of woman felt : Now Dick he thinks to put a trick on Iack And Iack again to hang it on Dicks back : Which got the Child , it seems a double case , I● hath so like ( they say ) Iacks nose , Dicks face . But by both marks my judgement should be quick , Et vitulo tu dignus Iack & Dick. 483. On Punchin . Give me a reason why men call Punchin a dry plant-Animall . Because as plants by water grow , Punchin by Beer & Ale spreads so . 484. Ne fide colori . When Bassa walks abroad she paints her face , And then she would be seen in every place , For then your Gallants who so e'r they are , Under a colour will account her faire . 485. In Flavium . When Flavius once would needs praise Tin , His brain could b●ing no reason in ; But what his belly did bethink , Platters for meat , and Pots for drink . 486. Ad Quintum . Thy lawfull wife , fair Lelia needs must be , For she was forc'd by Law to marry thee . 487. In Virtutem . Vertue we praise , but practice not her good , ( Athenian-like ) we act not what we know ▪ So many men doe talk of Robin-Hood , Who never yet shot arrow in his bow . 488. A good wits diet . That which upholds our tottering walls of flesh , Is food : and that which doth our wits refresh , Is wholsome study : for like longer fare , Be solid Arts , but sweet meats Poems are . 489. On Womens tongue . Things that be bitter , bitterer than gall , Physitians say , are alwayes Physicall . Then womens tongues , if into powder beaten , And in a Potion , or a pill be eaten , Nothing more bitter is , I therefore muse , That womens tongues in Physick they ne'r use : There 's many men who live unquiet lives , Would spare that bitter member of their wives . Then prove them Doctor , use them in a pill ; Things oft help sick men , that do sound men kill . 490. A proper comparison . As there are three blue beans in a blue bladder , As there are thrice three rounds in a long ladder , As there are three nooks in a corner'd cap , And three corners and one in a Map , Even so like all these , There are three Universities . 491. Of Death . He that fears death , or mourns it in the just , Shews of the resurrection little trust . 492. Woman . Woman was once a rib , ( as truth hath said ) Else sith her tongue runs wide from every point , I should have dream'd her substance had bin made Of Adams whirle-bone , when 't was out of joynt . 493. Pepertit , &c. Nels Husband said , she brought him nought but toys , But yet ( without his help ) she brings him boys . 494. Insipiens . Two friends discoursing that together stood , The one enquiring if the other could Tell whether such a man were wise ? He answer'd no , but he is otherwise . 495. Romes wifelesse Clergy . Long did I wonder , and I wonder'd much , Rome should her Clergy that contentment grudge As to debar them of their proper due ; What , doth she all with continence indue ? O no ; they find a womans lips so dainty , They 'l tye themselves from one , 'cause they 'l have twenty . 496. On Eves Apples . Eve for thy fruit thou gav'st too dear a price , What ? for an Apple give a Paradise ? If now adayes of fruit such gaines were made , A Coster-monger were a Devilish trade . 497. Will the Perfumer met me in the street , I stood amaz'd , he ask'd me what I meant ; In faith , said I , your Gloves are very sweet , And yet your breath doth cast a stronger sent : 498. Beauty . Beauty 's no other but a lovely grace , Of lively colours , flowing from the face . 499. On Poeticall Blinks . He nine wayes looks , and needs must learned be , That all the Muses at one view can see . 500. A Conceit . As Sextus once was opening of a Nut , With a sharpe knife his finger deeply cut , What signe is this , quoth he , can any tell ? 'T is sign , quoth one , y'have cut your finger well . Not so , saith he , for now my finger's sore , And I am sure that it was well before . 501. Women . Howsoe'r they be , thus doe they seem to me , They be and seem not , seem what least they be : 502. Mutuans Dissimulans . Dick crafty borrows to no other end , But that he will not ought to others lend , That else might ask him : 'T is some wisedome Dick How ere , accounted but a knavish trick . 503. Writing . When words we want , love teacheth to indite ; And what we blush to speak , she bids us write . 504. A cure for Impatience . Who would be patient , wait he at the Pool , For Bull-heads , or for Block-heads in the School . 505. Satisfaction . For all our works , a recompence is sure : 'T is sweet to think on what was hard t' endure . 506. To Mistris mutable . Love runs within your veins , as it were mixt With Quick-silver , but would be wisely fixt : For though you may for beauty bear the Bell , Yet ever to ring Changes sounds not well . 507. On a Mad-man . One ask'd a man-man , if a wife he had ? A wife ! quoth he , I never was so mad . 508. To Scilla . If it be true that promise be a debt , Then Scilla will her freedom hardly get ; For if she hath vow'd her service to so many , She 'l neither pay them all , nor part from any . Yet she to satisfie her debts , desires To yeeld her body , as the Law requires . 509. Nescis , quid serus vesper vehat . Lyn●us deviseth as he lyes in bed , What new apparrell he were best to make him : So many fashions flow within his head , As much he fears the Taylor will mistake him : But he mistook him not , that by the way Did for his old suit lay him up that day . 510. To Ficus . Ficus hath lost his nose , but knows not how , And that seems strange to ev'ry one that knows it : Me thinks I see it written in his brow , How , wherefore , and the cause that he did loose it . To tell you true , Ficus , I thus suppose , 'T was some French Caniball bit off your nose . 511. On a painted Curtezan . Whosoever saith thou sellest all , doth jest , Thou buy'st thy beauty , that sels all the rest 512. Of Arnaldo . Arnaldo free from fault , demands his wife , Why he is burthen'd with her wicked life ? Quoth she , good husband doe not now repent , I far more burthens bear , yet am content . 513. Labor improbus omnia vincit . Glogo will needs be knighted for his lands , Got by the labour of his fathers hands , And hopes to prove a Gentleman of note , For he hath bought himself a painted coat . 514. Quis nisi mentis inops — Ware proffer'd stinks ; yet stay good Proverb , stay , Thou art deceiv'd , as Clients best can say ; Who proferring trebble fees , for single care , It 's well accepted , gold it is such ware . 515. On a friend indeed . A reall friend a Cannon cannot batter ; With nom'nall friends , a Squib's a perilous matter , 516. On an Italian Proverb . Three women met upon the Market day , Do make a Market , ( they do use to say In Italy ) and why ? their tongues do walk As loud , as if an hundred men did talk . One hearing this , swore had his wife been there And made a fourth , there might have been a Faire . 517. Mans ingresse and egresse . Nature , which head-long into life did throng us , With our feet forwards to our grave doth bring us What is lesse ours , then this our borrow'd breath ? We stumble into life , we goe to death . 518. On bad Debtors . Bad debtors are good lyers ; for they say , I 'l pay you without faile , on such a day ; Come is the day , to come the debt is still , So still they lye , though stand in debt they will. But Fulcus hath so oft ly'd in this wise , That now he lyes in Ludgate for his lyes . 519. On a Iustasse . A Iustice walking o'r the frozen Thames , The Ice about him round , began to crack ; He said to 's man , here is some danger , Iames , I pray thee help me over on thy back . 520. Genitoris nesciens . Tom asks no fathers blessing , if you note him , And wiser he , unlesse he knew who got him . 521. To a sleeping Talker . In sleep thou talk'st un-forethought mysteries , And utter'st un-foreseen things , with close eyes . How wel wouldst thou discourse if thou wert dead Since sleep , deaths image , such fine talk hath bred ? 522. Omne simile non est idem . Together as we walk'd , a friend of mine Mistook a painted Madam for a Signe , That in a window stood ; but I acquainted , Told him it was no wooden sign was painted , But Madam Meretrix : yea , true , said he , Yet 't is a little signe of modesty . 523. Tandem manifestum . Katharine that hid those Candles out of sight , May well conceive they 'l come at length to light . 524. Qui ebrius laudat temperantiam . Severus likes not these unseason'd lines Of rude absurdities , times foul abuse , To all posterities , and their assignes , That might have been ( saith he ) to better use . What senslesse gull , but reason may convince , Or jade so dull , but being kick'd will wince ? 525. Quantum mutatus ab illo . Would any deem Manasses now the man , That whilome was not worth a wooden kan . Doubtlesse the Dunce in something doth surpasse , Yet his red nose is still the same it was . 526. On wisedome and vertue . Wise-men are wiser than good-men , what then ? 'T is better to be wiser than wise men . 527. On Ducus . Ducus keeps house , and it with reason stands , That he keep house , hath sold away his lands . 528. Mysus and Mopsa . Mysus and Mopsa hardly could agree , Striving about superiority : The Text which saith that man and wife are one , Was the chief Argument they stood upon . She held , they both one woman should become : He held , they should be man , and both but one . So they contended daily , but the strife Could not be ended , till both were one wife . 529. On Photinus . I met Photinus at the B — Court , Cited ( as he said ) by a Knave relator : I ask'd him , wherefore ? he in laughing sort , Told me it was but for a Childish matter . How e're he laught it out , he lied not ; Indeed 't was childish , for the child he got . 530. On Castriotes . See , see , what love is now betwixt each fist , Since Castriotes had a scabby wrist : How kindly they , by clawing one another , As if the left hand were the right hands brother ! 531. New Rhetorique . Good Arguments without coyn , will not stick ; To pay , and not to say , 's best Rhetorick . 532. To some kinde Readers . This Book of mine I liken to a glasse , Wherein the fool may look and laugh his fill : He having done with 't Readers , as ye passe , Here take and use it , as long as you will. 533. Est mihi Divi parens . Owinus wondreth , since he came from Wales , What the description of this Isle might be ; That ne'r had seen but mountaines , hils , and dales , Yet would he stand and boast on 's pedegree . From Rice ap Richard , sprung from Dick a Cow , Be cot , was right good gentleman , law ye now ? 434. Principia sordida . Bassus hath Lands good store , and leases Farms , Whose Mother , Milk-pails bore , e'r he bore arms . 535. On Thirsites . Although Thirsites have a filthy face , And staring eyes , and little outward grace : Yet this he hath , to make amends for all , Nature her selfe , is not more naturall . 536. On Zoilus . If Souldiers may obtain four Terms of war , Muskets should be the pleaders , Pikes the bar ; For black bags , Bandeliers , Jackets for gowns , Angels for fees , we 'll take no more crackt crowns . 537. On a long beard . Thy beard is long , better it would thee fit , To have a shorter beard , and longer wit. 538. On my selfe . Who seeks to please all men each way , And not himselfe offend ; He may begin to work to day , But God knows when hee 'l end . 539. Nimium ne crede colori . Battas believed for a simple truth , That yonder gilt-spur spruce and Velvet youth , Was some great personage , or worthy weight , Untill one told him he was but a Knight . A Knaight ( quoth Battas ) vaith I chud a zworne , A hod not bin lass then zome Gen-man borne . 540. Silens simplex . Will would seem wise , and many words let passe , Speaking but little 'cause he 's such an — 541. To the mis-interpreter . Cease gaul'd back guilt , these inscious lines to mince , The world wil know y' are rub'd if once ye wince ; They hem within their seeming Critique wall , Particularly none ; generally all : 'Mongst which if you have chanc'd to catch a prick Cry we-hy if you will , but doe not kick . 542. To Mary Meare . Meare , since unmixt , unmary'd , and a maid ; Then you to be a Mearmaid may be said : A Mearmaid's flesh above , and fish below , And so may you be too , for ought I know . 543. Ad Rinaldum amic . See , see , Rinaldus ! Prethee who is that , That wears you great green feather in his Hat , Like to some Tilter ? sure it is some Knight , Whose wits being green , his head must needs be light . 544. On himselfe . Mirth pleaseth some , to others 't is offence , Some commend plain conceit , some profound sence ; Some wish a witty jest , some dislike that , And most would have themselves , they know not what . Then he that would please all , and himself too , Takes more in hand then he is like to doe . 545. Fingers end . Philomathes once studying to indite , Nibled his fingers , and his nailes did bite : By this I know not what he did intend , Unlesse his wit lay at his fingers end . 546. Sapia qui vendit oportet . Ianus doth jesting , use Equivocation , Which he alludes as doubtfull words of Art , To hide the colour of his Occupation , But to the Devil he bears an honest heart . 547. Clamans Asinus . Who says Tom Tipstaffe is no man of calling ? Can any Cryer at Sessions be more bawling ? 548. Vpon Dunmo . I Dunmo ask'd as we at Supper sate , How long he had liv'd in the maried state , Sir , just ( quoth Dunmo ) with my wife I met In the great Plague time , I remember yet , And sighing , as he would have burst in twain , Said , now almost the thirtieth of her raign . 549. Vpon Tom Tolthams Nose . The radiant colour of Tom Toltham's nose , Puts down the Lilly , and obscures the Rose ; Had I a Jewell of such precious hew , I would present it to some Monarch's view , No subject should possesse such Jems as those , Ergo , the King must have Tom Toltham's nose . 550. Domina praedominans . Ill may Rodolphos boast of rule or riches , That lets his wife rule him , and wear the breeches : 551. Titus the Gallant . Brave Titus three years in the Town hath been , Yet not the Lyons , nor the Tombs hath seen ; I cannot tell the cause without a smile , He hath bin in the Counter all this while . 552. In Lalum . Lalus which loves to hear himselfe discourse , Talks to himselfe as if he frantick were , And though himself might no where hear a wors● , Yet he no other but himselfe will heare ; Stop not his mouth if he be troublesome , But stop his ears , and then the man is dumbe . 553. To Criticus . Criticus about to kisse a Mayden throng , He hapned first on one whose nose was long ; He flouting , said , I fain would kisse you Sweet , But that I fear our lips will never meet , Your nose stands out so far ; the Maiden dy'd Her cheeks with Crimson , but soon thus reply'd , Pray sir , then kisse me in that place where I To hinder you , have neither nose nor eye . 554. Profundo Scientia . Sal can by silence , deep profundity , Force you cry , fough ! Ieronimo go by . 555. On two by Sea. Two Youngsters going by Sea , th' one That ne'r before had been the Sea upon . Casts up ; and as he heaves , he Bo doth cry ; O said the other , Sir , y' are sick , ye'll dy . No ( says the Sea-sick ) though my stomack 's loose , You see , I can cry Bo unto a Goose. 556. Vt pluma parsona . Why wears Laurentius such a lofty feather ? Because he 's proud , and foolish both together . 557. Aurum volat ocius Euro . Monsieur Flemingo fraught with Angels store , Would see fair London , never seen before : Where lodging with his Mistress but one night , Had ( ere he parted ) put them all to flight . 558. To Pontilianus . Dogs on their Masters fawn and leap , And wag their tails apace ; So , though the Flatt'rer want a taile , His tongue supplies the place . 559. Instabilis stans . Mat being drunken , much his anger wreaks On 's wife ; but stands to nothing that he speaks . 560. On some Lawyers . Law serves to keep disordered men in aw , But Aw preserves orders , and keeps the Law , Were Aw away L [ aw ] yers would lyers be For Lucre ; which they have and hold in fee. 561. Health . Even from my heart , much Health I wish , No Health I 'll wash with drink , Health wish'd , not wash'd , in words , not wine , To be the best I think . 562. Case is altered . Tom Case ( some do report ) was lately haltered ; If this be true , why then the case is altered . 563. Quae placuit Domino nupta est Ancilla sodali . Madam Rugosa knows not were to find One Chamber-maid of ten to please her mind . But yet my Lor● so likes their comely carriage , As he prefers them to his men in marriage . 564. Plagis mitior . Katharine that grew so curst , and fit for no man , With beating soon became a gentle-woman . 565. Priscus . When Priscus raisd from low to high estate , Rode through the street in pompous jollity ; Cajus his poor familiar friend of late , Bespake him thus , Sir now you know not me ; 'T is likely friend ( quoth Priscus ) to be so , For at this time my selfe I doe not know . 566. Anger soon appeased . When Iohn Cornutus doth his wife reprove , For being false and faithlesse in her love , His wife to smooth those wrinkles in his brow , Doth stop his mouth with , Iohn come kisse me now . 567. A foole for Company . Fatuus will drink with no such Asse , That lets his jests ( unapprehended ) passe : Or if he jest with such of shallow brain , He laughs himselfe to make his jests more plain . Thus Fatuus doth jest and play ●he sany , To laugh at 's self , hee 's fool if there be any . 568. In Cineam . When Cineas comes amongst his friends in mourning , He slily notes , who first his cap doth move ; Him he salutes , the rest so grimly scorning , As if for ever he had lost his love ; I knowing how the humor it did fit Of the fond Gull to be saluted first , Catch at my Cap , but move it not a whit , Which he perceiving , seems with spight to burst . But Cineas , why expect you more of me ▪ Then I of you ? I am as good a man , And better too by many a quality : For vault , and dance , and fence , and rime I can : You keep a whore at your own charge , men tell me , Indeed friend Cineas , therein you excell we . 569. On Captain Sharke . One ask'd a friend where Captain Shark did lye , Why sir ( quoth he ) at ADIV2ate , at the Pye ; Away , quoth th' other , he lies not there I know 't , No , sayes the other , then he lies in 's throat . 570. A witty answer . A lean , yet ●at Recusant being confin'd Unto a Justice house , whose wife was great , ( Not great with child , but hugely great w th meat ) At supper thus began to grope his mind , To hoc est corpus what say you ? she sed ; Marry ( quoth he ) I say it is well feed . 571. Gossips discourse . When Gillian and her Gossips all are met , And in the match of Gossiping down set , And plain Mass-Parson cutting bread for th'table To tell how fast they talk , my tongue 's not able One tels strange news , th' other Godsworbet cries , The third shakes her head , alack replies , She on her Hens , this on her Ducks do talk , On thousand things at once their tongues do walk . So long as Cocks can tread , and Hens will lay , Gill , and Gills Gossips will have words to say . 572. Capa● incapabilis . Produs in 's Office seem● a simple Scribe , Yet hath he cunning learnt to take a Bribe . 573. A Parson and a Thief . A lusty Parson riding on the way , Was by a Theef commanded for to stay ; The Parson drew his sword , for well he durst , And quickly put his foe unto the worst . Sir ( quoth the Theef ) I by your habit see You are a Church-man , and debate should flee , You know 't is written in the sacred word , Iesus to Peter said , Put up thy Sword : True ( quoth the Parson ) but withall then hear , Saint Peter first had cut off Malchus ear . 574. Similes habent labra lactucas . Dick swash ( or swaggering Dick ) through Fleetstreet re●les , With Si● & Brettice waiting at his heels : To one that would have tane the wall , he swore , Zounds , dost not see my Punck and Paramour ? 575. A Souldiers jest . One told told a Souldier sitting at the board , ( And silent ) that he had an edgelesse sword ; Who straigh● reply'd , Sir , I will do my best , To break your pate , though I ne'r break a jest . 576. Good Advice . One to a Serving-man this Counsell sent , To get a Master that 's intelligent ; Then if of him no wages he could get , Yet he would understand he 's in his debt . 577. Theeves . Two Theeves by night began a lock to pick , One in the house awake , thus answer'd quick , Why , how now ? what a s●ir you there doe keep ? Goe , come again , we are not yet asleep . 578. Asse . He that loves glasse without a G. Leave out L. and what is he ? 579. Enecat amplexu nimio , sic simia foetum . Call Davus knave , he straight-way draws his sword , And makes you prove as much , or eat your word . But if you call him honest Rogue , or Jew , He huggs you then for giving him his due . 580. To Festus . Festus th' art old , and yet wouldst mary'd be : Ere thou doe so , this counsel take of me ; Look into Lillies Grammar , there thou 'lt find , Cornu a Horn , a word still Vndeclin'd . 581. A Gentleman and his Physitian . A Gentleman not richest in discretion , Was alwayes sending for his own Physitian . And on a time , he needs would of him know , What was the cause his pulse did goe so slow ? Why ( quoth the Doctor ) thus it comes to passe , T' must needs go slow , which goes upon an Asse . 582. On Saint George . To save a maid Saint George a Dragon slue , Which was a noble act , if all be true ; Some say there are no Dragons ; and 't is said There 's no Saint George ; pray Iove there be a maid . 583. Similis cum simili . Tom went to the Market , where Tom met with Tom , Tom asked Tom , what Tom ? ●ow far'st thou Tom ? Who Tom , I Tom ? Is Tom ( quoth Tom ) you Tom ; Well God a mercy Tom ; how doe you Tom ? Faith ne'● so well ( quoth Tom ) since Tom was Tom : And thus was the greeting past 'twixt Tom and Tom. 584. Ebrius oblitus . Fucus was fox'd last night , but 't is conceal'd , And would not for his Office 't were reveal'd . 585. Dulce quod utile . An honest Vicar riding by the way , Not knowing better how to spend the day , Did sing unto himself some certain Psalms ; A blind man hearing him , strait begg'd his alms ; To whom ( quoth he ) with coyn I cannot part , But God thee blesse , good man with all my heart . O , said the blind man , greater is my losse , When such as you doe blesse without a crosse . 586. In Dacum . Dacus with some good colour and pretence , Tearms his wifes beau●y silent eloquence ; For she doth lay more colours on her face , Then ever Tully us'd his speech to grace . 587. In Sillam . Though I were blind , or though I never saw him , Yet if I should Silla but talking hear ; For a right roaring Gallant I should know him , For of a whore he talks , and still doth swear . 588. Varietas iniquit●s . Mat will not marry : true , 'cause ty'd to none , He may have wenches new , when th' old are gone . 589. Good sawce . I went to sup with Cinna th' other night , And to say true ( for give the Devil his right ) Though scant of meat we could a morsell get , Yet there with store of passing sawce we met . You ask what sawce , where pittance was so small ? This , is not hunger the best sawce of all ? 590. Plagis mitior . Katharine that grew so curst and fit for no man , With beating soon became a Gentle-woman . 591. To a Lawyer . To goe to Law , I have no maw , Although my suite be sure , For I shall lack suits to my back , Ere I my suit procure . 592. Semel insanivimus . Bedlam fate bless thee , thou wantst nought but wit , And having gotten that , we 'r freed from it ; Bridewell , I cannot any way dispraise thee , For thou dost feed the poor , and jerk the lazie . Newgate , of thee I cannot much complain ; For once a month , thou freest men out of pain ; But from the Counters , goodness it self defend us ? To Bedlam , Bridewell , or to Newgate send us , For there in time , wit , work , or law sets free ; But here wit , work , nor law gets liberty . 593. Of himselfe . Some men there be , which say of me , That I am not a Poet ; They say well , why ? I doe not lye , I write the truth ; I know it . 594. Vpon Annes marriage with a Lawyer . Anne is an Angel , what if so she be ? What is an Angel , but a Lawyers fee ? 595. Aenigma . The Devil , men say , in Devonshire dy'd of late , But Devonshire lately liv'd in rich estate , Till Rich his toyes did Devonshire so bewitch , As Devonshire dy'd , and left the Devil Rich. 596. On Cupid . Why feign they Cupid robbed of his sight ? Can he whose seat is in the eye , want light ? 597. An Answer . Experience shew , and reason doth decree That he who sits in 's own light cannot see . 598. Lucus journey . Lucus hath travel'd with an hundred pound , Was rob'd and left well beaten , and fast bound : But when to share their prize , they had begun , No miracle was wrought , yet he undon . 599. Of Nature . Nature did well in giving poor men wit , That fools well monifi'd may pay for it . 600. Vilescit dives avarus . Rufus is wondrous rich , but what of that ? He lives obscurely , like a Water-Rat . 601. Visum ignotum . That Crambo's wife's with child , her belly shews it : But who was 't got it ? pray ask those that know it . 602. Vpon Marriage . Marriage as old men note , hath lik'ned bin Unto a publick fast , or common rout , Where those that are without would fain get in , And those that are within would fain get out . 603. On Annas a News-monger . Annas hath long ears for all news to passe : His ears must needs be long , for he 's an Asse . 604. Sir Iohn . Now good Sir Iohn ( the beggar cries ) I pray Bestow your Worship's alms on me to day , Relieve my wants ( quoth he ) I am your brother , We born are , one to help and ayd another ; My brother ( qd . Sir Iohn ) poor wretch●d wight , Why , thou mistakest me , I am a Knight ; I know 't , quoth he , but hark you kind Sir Iohn , There 's many a Knight kin to the begger men . 605. Conjectus . Conjectus says hee 'l plainly prove , Anothers Child he ought to love , More than his Parents ; which is strange , And yet 't is true ; for I protest , He ought to love his wife the best . 606. Aulus . Some ( speaking in their own renown ) Say that this Book was not exactly done ; I care not much , like banquets let my Books , Rather be pleasing to the Guests than Cooks , 607. On envy . Why say some , wealth brings envy , since 't is known Poor men have backbiters fifteen for one ? 608. Errantes errare licet . Pandorus spends the day by telling newes , Of such his travels as will make you muse : Nay sir believe it , hee 'l discourse at large , How should he else be fed at others charge ? 609. To a Drunkard . Much pratling causeth greatest thirstinesse : Thy wife talks more then thou , why drinks she lesse . 610. On Pru. Pru give me leave to laugh , why shouldst thou buy Ceruse , and Stibium , and Mercury , And sleiking Oyles , the best that may be got , When thy whole face Prue is not worth a groat ? 611. To Momus . Leave for shame , Momus , leave to bark and cry , My actions give thy slandrous tongue the lye . 612. To Roba . Th' art fair , 't is true ; and pretty too , I know it ; And well bred ( Roba ) for thy manners show it ; But whilst thou mak'st self-praise thy onely care , Th' art neither pretty , nor well bred , nor faire . 613. On Gallo . Gallo's a pretty man , hath pretty hair , A pretty hat , and cloke as one need wear ; Gallo's a Gallant , and as Gallant● use , Can court his Mistresse , with a sprightly Muse : Gallo's a dunce , for I supply his wit , Which he makes nonsence by his reading it , And 't is no wonder , as all wise-men know , For pretty Gallants to be dunces now . 614. Pudor est sua damna referre . Peter hath lost his purse , but will conceale it , Least she that stole it , to his shame reveale it . 615. Wheele-greace . Men th'Axletree do Greaze , that they not screak , But Lawyers must be Greaz'd to make them speak . 616. Who best friend . A Louse I say , for when a man 's distrest , And others fall off , she sticks the surest . 617. O times and manners ! Why thus do men , manners and times accuse , When men themselves , Manners and times abuse ? W' are bad in them , they worse by us doe grow , Yet we complain that help to make them so . 618. Carpe . Of all our Modern Writers , Carpe likes none , He loves th' old Poets that are dead and gone : Pardon me honest Carpe , I would not be Laid in my grave a while yet , to please thee . 619. Non nunquam jactat egenus ▪ Iack is a Gentleman I must confesse , For there 's no womans Taylor can be lesse . 620. On Terpin . Terpin sips wine , and gluts down meat ; I think , My Terpin drinks his meat , and eats his drink . 621. To Phaulo . As often ( Phaulo ) as thou dost amisse , Thou hast no more excuse for it , but this , It was against thy will ; why , be it so , Against thy will thou shalt be punisht to . 622. Little , nothing , too much , enough . The Poor have little , Beggars none , The Rich too much , enough not one . 623. On Spurco of Oxford . Spurco from Chandler , started Aldermen , And trust me now most Elder-like he can Behave himself : he ne'r appears in Town , But in his beaver , & his great fur'd gown : His Ruffe is set , his head set in his Ruffe ; His reverend trunks become him well enough ; He wears a hoop ring on his Thumb ; he has Of Gravidud a dose full in his face : And trick'd and trim'd , thus bravely he supposes Himselfe another man ; but men have noses ; And they that have so , maugre Spurco's skill , Through all his robes may smell the Chandler stil. 624. On the same . Spurco made candles once , 't is true enough , Yet when I told him so , he too kt in snuffe . 625. To Damon . What cause , what confidence draws thee to town ? Oxford can yeeld thee nothing , get thee down ; Thou canst not turn rogue for thy private ends , Thou canst not play the baud to please thy friends . Thou hat'st to sell thy breath at any price , Or flatter great ones to their prejudice . Whence wilt thou live ? ( unhappy wretch ! ) I am A trusty friend , thou say'st , an honest man. That 's nothing , Damon , set thy wits to school , Not to be knave here , is to be a fool . 626. Compotatio . Tasso , Torquato , Trew-wit , Manlius , Brave merry Greeks all , and ingenious : Let us be mad a while : come here thou Squire Of Pints and Pottles , pile us up a fire : Then bring some sack up , quick you Canniball , Some cleanly sack to wash our brains withall : There is I am sure , no other Thespian spring , No other Helicon to bathe us in . Troul then your sack about boyes , never faile , Commending dull men to their stands of Ale. Tinkers wind off whole pottles in a breath , I hate such puddle Coxcombs worse than death ; But we true bra●● of Bacchus , as our use is , With lusty Wines will sacrifice to th' Muses . 627. Conscientia testis . What makes Antonia deem himselfe undone , Being question'd since his Office first begun : But that a Conscience tells him quae sumuntur Tam male parta , male dilabuntur ? 628. On Terpin . Listen who list , my Terpins nose I sing , And much I labour to expresse the thing : For when he snorts , it is his trumpet shrill ; It is his conduit , for 't is running still ; It is his drag , his E●le-spear in the brook ; His spade , his mattock , and his pruning hook ▪ 'T is a convenient staple for a wall , A handsome wedge to cleave his wood withall : 'T will make a good ship-anchor when he lacks , It is his gimlet , and his twibill axe . Regard not then , what m●n thy nose abuses ; Thy nose is proper Terpin for most uses . 629. On Ned. Have not I friends ( quoth Ned ) I dare to say , I have not supt at home this twelve months day : And very true it is , for sherking Ned , At home ( poor man ) goes supperlesse to bed . 630. Pecunia prevalens . Hand off , si● sauce-box ! think you Mistris Phips Allows such lobs as you to touch her lips ? But then 't is question'd further ; if you bring her Some legem pone , that 's another thing Sir. 631. On Love. Where love begins , there dead they first desire : A spark neglected , makes a mighty fire . 632. A Herculean taske . To curb the courage and Wives tongue keep under . May well be call'd Hercules thirteenth wonder . 633. On Coritia . Coritia , when all her Table 's set With Manchet , Sauches , and good wholsome meat , She still gives brown bread to her Son and heir , And tells the little boy 't will make him fair . If so ( my Love ) if it be true you say , You never ate brown bread Coritia . 634. On Drammato . Drammato makes new playes great store ; and yet 'T is plain , Drammato has not too much wit : He strives too , to be pleasant , and brings in Mimicks , and fools , to make the people grin , I know not what the rest think , but I say , Drammato's the best fool in every play . 635. Taming of a Shrew . Wouldst tame thy wife : first tame her tongue , Who thus his wife comes o'r shall overcome . 636. Liberty . If he be well which hath what he can wish , Why then doe men for stinging Serpents fish ? True liberty 'mongst vertues bears the bell ; He may live as he will , which may live well . 637. Drammato . Of all Drammato's playes that ere I see , Nothing could ever make me laugh but he . 638. On Galba . Galba she sayes , she never tasted Man ; Galba will lye , beleeve it , now and than . 639. To the Reader . Such tenour I have kept here all along , As none ( I hope ) can challenge me with wrong . I injure not the least , I give no blow To any person ; he that knows not how To scourge mans vice , unlesse he tax his name , Makes a base Libel of an Epigram . 640. On Formidando . Stout Formidando walks imperiously , With tragick Bilbo girt upon his thigh ; His roping locks , his buffe becomes him well , And to say sooth , he looks right terrible ; He swayes the Town before him , and will slay Whatever man he be that dares gain-say : But Formidando pawn'd his coat last night , And Formidando's out of money quite ; Nor oaths will passe , nor credit from henceforth , For one poor penny , or a penny-worth : Starv'd Creditors begin to gape ; and how To quit himself he scarcely knows ; that now Stout Formidando who was wont to daunt Whole thousands , trembles at a Pursivant . 641. The German-Dutch . Death 's not to be : so Seneca doth think : But Dutchmen say 't is death to cease to drink . 642. Death . What Death is , dost thou ask of me ? Till dead I doe not know ; Come to me when thou hear'st I 'm dead , Then what 't is I shall show . 643. On Carp and Manilla . Manilla would with Carp be maried , Manilla's wise I trow : But Carp by no means will Manilla wed ; Carp's the wiser of the two . 644. On Carp. These are my verses which Carp reads ; 't is known ; But when Carp makes them non-sense , th' are his own . 645. To Phaulos . Thou art offended ( Phaulos ) as I hear , Because I sometimes call thee whoremaster ; My nature 's blunt , and so will ever be ; I call a spade a spade , pray pardon me . 646. To Coracine . What Crispulus is that in a new gown , All trim'd with loops and buttons up and down ? That leans there on his arm in private chat With thy young wife , what Crispulus is that ? He 's Proctor of a Court , thou say'st , and does Some businesse of my wives : thou brainlesse goose ! He does no businesse of thy wives , not he , He does thy businesse ( Coracine ) for thee . 647. On Pru. Pru praises her complexion , nay swears She dares compare with any of her years ; And very true it is , that Prudence sayes , I saw not better sold these many dayes . 648. The Parret . If lawful't be , of things t' invent the name ; With pratling Parret , prater is the same . 649. To Maronilla . My Maronilla , I could easily spare Thy hands and arms , thy shoulders and fraught haire , I could well spare thy feet , thy legs and thighs , Thy tongue and teeth , thy lips , cheeks , forehead , eyes : And not to reckon each part severall , My Maronilla I could spare thee all . 650. Study . Some men grow mad by studying much to know ; But who grows mad by studying good to grow ? 651. To Lionell . Lionell shows his honourable scars , And labours to invite me to the wars : But I will not by no means Lionell ; I doe not love to live ill , and drink well . 652. On Pumilio a Dwarfe . Pumilio lying in despaire Of further life , said , take no care To make a Tomb for me , good folks , I will be buried in a Box. 653. Sharpe sauce . Kisses and savours are sweet things , But those have thornes , and these have stings . 654. On Drad-nought . Drad-nought was for his many riots laid Ith'Counter lately , now he 's wondrous staid . 655. On Phaulos and Gellia . Phaulos he visits , Gellia she 's sick : I am no Wizard , yet I know their trick . 656. To his Friend . I will not be a Foe to any , Nor be familiar with too many ; And twice I will not love my friend , But whom I love , I 'l love to th' end . 657. Maried Folke . Man love thy wife ; thy Husband , wife obay : Wives are our Heart , we should be Head alway . 658. On Pru and Galla. Why are Pru's teeth so white , and Galla's black ? The reason is soon knowne : Pru buyes new teeth as often as she lacks , But Galla wears her owne . 659. On Bombo . When Bombo preaches ( and that 's thrice a year ) Nothing but wit sounds wisely in his ear . His ●ustian phrases make a noise ; each strain And swelling rapture fills his mouth again : He 's parcell-States-man , parcell-Priest , and so If you observe , he 's parcel Poet to . Bombo thy fetches ▪ and thy fangles may Become a stage perhaps , but us'd this way , Th' are base , and impious : let me prevail , Talk till thy strong lines choak thee ; if they fail , Commence at Tyburn in a cart , sweet Poet , And there a strong line will for cert●in do it . 660. On Lulls . Lulls swears he is all heart , but you 'l suppose By his Probassis , that he is all nose . 661. On Paeto . Implore the Muses , and their two top'd hill , Still to supply fresh matter to thy quill : Crave Phoebus aid , call Homer with the throng Of all the Bardes , Learn'd Manes , to thy song . I dare not ( Paeto ) be so bold , as do it , Nor seem so like what I am not ; a Poet. My page invokes no deities : here love , And indignation the best Muses prove . 662. On the same . My Paeto thinks he sings melodious , And like a Swan : alas he 's but a Goose. 663. On Plutus . Plutus , rich Plutus would have me b●stow Some New-years gift , as other neighbours do . Why I will send thee what thou want'st my friend ; Nothing thou want'st , and nothing I will send . 664. To Phocion . Thou buy'st up all that thou canst light upon , This is the way to sell all Phocion . 665. To Lividus . Doe not raile basely , doe not swell with spight , Doe not scoffe ( Lividus ) at what I write : For ridden , trust me , I can hardly pace , Nor bear thee gently like a patient Asse ; But trot amain , and if thou chance to kick , I shall wince too , and gall thee to the quick . Flinging full fast till I have thrown thee off , Till I have shook thy snaffle from thy mouth ; And then in triumph ( Lividus ) look to 't , I spurn thy pride and follies under foot . 666. On his Verses . He 's blind with love that likes them ev'ry one , And he is blind with envy , that likes none . 667. Truth . Truth is best found out by the time and eyes ; Falshood wins credit by uncertainties . 668. Time. Time all consumes , both us and every thing , We time consume ; thus , both one song doe sing . 669. To Bombo . Most men condemn thee Bombo , when they hear Thy high and mighty Sermons , but I swear Thou preachest movingly ; and well I may ; Thou preachest all thy Auditors away . 670. On Plutus . Rich Plutus needs would buy a fool , and paid Fifty good pounds : but after triall made , Perceiving him an understanding man , Plutus would have his money back again . 671. To Linus . Thou wast my debtor when I lent the coin , Pay me mine own , and then I wil be thine . 672. Leven . Love is a Leven , and a loving kiss The leven of a loving sweet-heart is 673. To Phaulos . Thou ask'st me whom I think best man to be , He 's the best ( Phaulos ) that is least like thee . 674. To Claudius and Linus . Ungodly Claudius , to be good , Wants nothing but a will : Lewd Linus , also , wanteth nought But power to be ill . 675. Hot-waters . Our trickling Tears expresse our private Love , Love causeth tears ; strange ! fire should water prove . 676. On Grotto . Talk but of death , Grotto begins to rage , And sweat , and swear , and yet he 's blind with age . Fie on thee Grotto , what a coil you keep ? Thy windowes they are shut , 't is time to sleep . 677. On Boreman . Boreman takes tole , cheats , flatters , lyes , yet Boreman For all the Devill helps , will be a poor man. 678. On Crab. Crab being caught , and in the Serjeants power , For shame and anger look'd both red and sower . 679. On Fargo . Fargo by his wit and pleasing tongue , Hath won a wench that 's wondrous fair & young ; The match ( he saith ) is halfe concluded , he Indeed is wondrous willing ; but not she . 680. On Richard. Dick being drunk , in bed thought on his sin , And that lewd course of life he lived in , Yet long hereof for thirst , Dick could not think , But , Drawer , cryes , now for thy smallest drink . 681. To Spruce . Spruce wears a Comb about him , alwayes he To prune and smooth his pollisht haire : The Cock's ne'r too without his Comb you see , Spruce 't is a Coxcomb then you weare . 682. On This Wise age . The Wise men were but seaven : now we scarce know So many fooles , the world so wise doth grow . 683. On Profuso . Unstayd Profuso hath run thorough all , Almost the story of the Prodigall , Yet swears , he never with the Hoggs did dine , That 's true , for none durst trust him with their swine . 684. On a fire in Towne . One night through all the streets the men did cry , Fire , fire ! at which I wak't and wondred by ; Not that dry wood should burn , but because all Did cry fire , when for water they should call . 685. To either Vniversity . InduDIV2ent Mother , and kind Aunt , no where Throughout all Europe find I such a paire ; From whose faire breasts those milky rivers run , That thousands feed , else thousands were undone . Oh were it not that some are wean'd too young , And some doe suck ( like● Esse● Calves ) too long . 686. On Mounsieur Congee . A proper handsome courtly man indeed , And well set out with cloaths , can for a need Discourse with legs , and quarter congees , and Talk halfe an houre with help of foot and hand ; But when I view'd this Mounsier clean throughout , I found that he was onely Man without . 687. To my Reader . My person is another as I list , I now but act the Epigrammatist . 688. On Physitians . Physitians are most miserable men , that cannot be deny'd : For they are never truly well , but when mo●● men are ill beside . 689. On Puff . Puff quarrels in his cups , and then will fight , Is beaten sober ; troth he is served right . 690. To Flash . Flash when thou' rt drunk , then in thy own conceit Thou' rt valiant , wise , great , honest , rich , discreet . Troth Flash be alwayes drunk ! for well I know When you are sober you are nothing so . 691. Wi●tily wicked . Good wine ( they say ) makes Vinegar most ta●t , Thou , the more witty , the more wicked art . 692. A Doctor and his Patient . A Doctor told his patient Omphida ; The grief she felt was a Sciatica : Which she not perfect how to nominate , Mistaking cryes , O my Certificate ! 693. On Mounsier Powder-wig . Oh doe but mark you crisped Sir you meet ! How like a Pageant he doth stalk the street ? See how his perfum'd head is powderd ore : Twu'd stink else , for it wanted Salt before . 694. To Rash. Rash swear not ! think not 'cause you swear that I Believe you , no : he that will swear will lye . 695. Drunk-bounty . I 'l tell you why the drunk so lavish are , They have too much , nay more then they can bear . 696. To Gut. Gut eats and drinks , doth nothing else but swill , His teeth doe grind , his mouth 's the water-mill . 697. To Simple . Simple , you know I gave you good advice ; Little to say , that men might think you wise ; If you 'l proclaim your selfe a foole you may : I onely tell you now what others say . 698. On Quaff . To quench his sorrows Quaff drinks very free , Sorrow is dry , he sayes , and so is he . 699. To Tom Coriat . Of all the Toms that ever yet were nam'd , Was never Tom like as Tom Coriat fam'd . Tom Thumb is dumb , untill the pudding creep , In which he was intomb'd , then out doth peep . Tom Fool may go to School , but ne'r be taught Speak Greek , with which our Tom his tongue is ●raught . Tom Asse may passe , but for all his long ears , No such rich Jewels as our Tom he wears . Tom Tell-troth is but forth , but truth to tell , Of all Toms , this Tom , bears away the bell . 700. To a fat Vsurer . Fat folks we say by nature are most free : You and your purse are fat , and yet I see Your hand and that still shut , the reasons this ; In costive flesh thy leane soule buried is . 701. On Brisk . Brisk brag'd of 's ready wit ; I tempting him But for one Distick , did propound this theam Nothing : I● cannot be , he wondring said That out of nothing ought shu'd ere be made . Dull Brisk thou ne'r couldst tune Apollo's Lyre ; A pure steeld-wit , will strike Mercuriall fire Out of the flintiest subject : but thy head Is all compos'd of softer mettle , lead . 702. Semel insanivimus omnes . Thus have I waded through a worthlesse task , Whereto I trust there 's no exception ta'n , For meant to none , I answer such as ask , 'T is like apparell made in Birchen-lane ; If any please to suit themselves and wear it , The blame's not mine , but theirs that needs will bear it . 703. On Sullen . Sullen will eat no meat , but peevishly Replies , I care not , nor I will not , I : Troth I commend his abstinence , 't is great , When having such a stomach hee 'l not eat . 704. To Banks . When Spendall asks to borrow , you reply , You know not when hee 'l pay you ; troth nor I. 705. To Boldface . Boldface , I wonder at thy impudence , That da●'st affi●m things so against all sence : For shame ben't impudent and foolish too ! And think all men are fools 'cause you are so . 706. Of his Booke . Part of the work remaines ; one part is past : And here my Ship rides , having Anchor cast . 707. On Bearill . Bearill because his wife is somewhat ill , Uncertain in her health , indifferent still ; He turns her out of doors without reply : Wondring at which , I askt the reason why ? In sicknesse and in health , sayes he , I 'm bound Onely to keep her , either weak or sound ; But now shee 's neither , he replies ; you 'l see , Shee 'l quickly now or mend or end , sayes he . 708. On Bib. Wisdome doth teach us silence , now Bib is With drink made speechlesse , is he not then wise 709. On Silly . Silly by chance did loose his Diary Of wit , which he had got in company : No marvel he now so mute and pensive sits , How can he choose , since he hath lost his wits . 710. Ad sesquipidales poetastros . Hence Brauron's God to Tauriminion , And you Levaltoring Corybant● be gon ; Fly thundering Bronsterops to Hippocrene , And Mauros to Nymph-nursing Mytelene ; Grisly Megaera's ne●romantique spell Depart to black nights Acherontick cell : Avaunt transformed Epidaurian , Unto th'Antipod Isles of Trabroban , Away Cyllenius plumy-pinnion'd God , With thy peace making wand , snakecharming rod , And all the rest not daring look upon Vranus blood-born brood , and fell Typhon ; Chimera's victor great Bellerophon , Thou vanquisher of Spanish Geryon . Stout Asdruball Sicilian Lord of yore , Thou that destroy'dst the Caledonian bore , Couragious conqueror of Cretes Minotaure , Thou pride of Mermeno's cloudy Semitaure . Perseus whose marble stone transforming shield , Enforc'd the Whale , Andromeda to yeeld , You Argonautes that scour'd Syndromades , And passd the quick-sands of Symplegades , Help Demogorgon , King of heaven and earth , Chaos , Lucina , at Litigiums birth , The world with child looks for delivery Of Canibals , or Poetophagy . A devilish brood from Ericthonius , From Iphidemia , Nox , and Erebus , Chide Pegasus for op'ning Helicon , And Poets damn Pyry-Phlegeton ; Or make this monstrous birth abortive be , Or else I will shake hands with Poetry . — Nihil sic nisi Carmina desunt . Marmora Maeonii vincunt menumenta libelli ; Vivitur ingenio , caetera mortis erunt . The Muses works stone-Monumen●● outlast ; 'T is wit keeps life , all else Death will down cast . EPITAPHS . 1. On a Lyer . GOod passenger ! here lyes one here , That living did lye every where . 2. On a Dyer . He lives with God none can deny , That while he liv'd to th' world did dy . 3. On a Iugler . Death came to see thy tricks , and cut in twain Thy threed , why didst not make it whole again ? 4. On Mr. Fish. Worm's bait for Fish , but here is a great change , Fish bait for worms , is not that very strange ? 5. On a Child . A child and dead ? alas ! how could it come ? Surely thy thread of life was but a thrumme . 6. On Mr. Do. Do is my name , and here I lye , My Grammar tels me , Do fit Di. 7. On Taylor a Serjeant , kill'd by a Horse . A Taylour is a Theef , a Sergeant is worse , Who here lies dead , god-a-massy Horse . 8. On Mr. Thomas Best . With happy starres he sure is blest , Where ●'ere he goes , that stil is Best . 9. On Robin . Round Robin's gone , and this grave doth inclose The pudding of his doublet and his hose . 10. On Bell the Tinker . Bell though thou dy'dst decrep●t , lame , forlorn , Thou was 't a man of Mettle , I 'l be sworn . 11. On proud Tygeras . Proud and foolish , so it comes to passe , He liv'd a Tyger , and he dy'd an Asse . 12. On Iohn Cofferer . Here lyes Iohn Cofferer , and takes his rest , Now he hath chang'd a Coffer for a Chest. 13. On blind and deaf Dick Freeman . Here lyes Dick Freeman , That could not hear nor see man. 14. On a Miller . Death without warning was as bold as brief , When he kil'd two in one , Miller and Thief . 15. On a Lady . Here lyes one dead under this marble stone , Who when she liv'd , lay under more than one . 16. On a Wrestler . Death to the Wrestler gave a pretty fall , Tript up his heels , and took no hold at all . 17. On Iohn Death . Here 's Death interred , that liv'd by bread , Then all should live , now Death is dead . 18. On an Infant . The reeling world turn'd Poet , made a Play ; I came to see 's , dislik'd it , went my way . 19. On a little but very ingenuous youth . Grim Death perceiving , He had far out ran The elder youth● ; mistook him for a man. 20. On a Lady dying quickly after her Husband . He first deceased , she a little try'd To live without him , lik'd it not , and dy'd . 21. On Mr. Stone . Jerusalems curse is not fulfill'd in me , For here a stone upon a stone you see . 22. On Mr. Strange . Here lies one Strange , no Pagan , Turk , nor Jew , It 's strange , but not so strange as it is true . 23. A Forts Epitaph . Reader , it was born , and cry'd , Crack'd so , smelt so , and so dy'd . 24. On Mr. Anguish a scholler . Some doe for anguish weep , for anger I , That ignorance should live , and art should dye . 25. On a lovely young youth . From thy quick death , conclude we must , The fairest flowers are gather'd first . 26. On Mr. Thomas A●len . No Epitaphs need make the just man fam'd , The good are prais'd when they are onely nam'd . 27. On a Lady . Finis and Bonum are converted , so , That every good thing to an end must go . 28. On a pious Benefactor . The Poor , the World , the Heavens , and the Grave , His Alms , his Praise , his Soule , and Body have . 29. On a Poet in Prison . Though I in prison here doe lye , My Muse shall live altho I dye . 30. On a poor Poet. Here lies the Poet buried in the night , Whose purse , men know it , was exceeding light . 31. A man and his wife . Viator siste , ecce miraculum ! Vir & uxor hic non ligitunt . 32. On a Pauls-walker . Defessus sum ambulando . 33. On a Scrivener . May all men by these presents testifie , A lurching Scrivener here fast bound doth lye . 34. On one that cheated his Father . Here lies a man , who in a span Of life , beyond his Father ran . 35. On a Cut-purse . Death hath that Cut-purse seiz'd on at Alhallows , Who by good hap hath so escap'd the Gallows . 36. On a young great wit. Great wits are dangerous , for then , It seems , they seldome come to men . 37. On an Vsurer . That all those goods and riches scrap'd together , Should with himself depart , & knows not whither . 38. On a Captain . Who late in wars did dread no foes in field , Now free of scars his life in peace doth yeeld . 39. On a Potter . He that on clay his chiefest trust repos'd , Is now in clay , in stead of dust repos'd . 40. On a Merchant . Who from accounts and reckning● ne'r could rest , At length hath summ'd up his Quietus est . 41. On a young man newly maried , dyed . The world and thou art quickly gone about , That but now en●ring in , art entred out . 42. On Iohn Friend . How ere he fail'd in 's life , 't is like Iack Friend Was no mans foe but 's own , and there 's an end . 43. On Christopher Fowler . Let all say what they can , ' ●is known Kit Fowle● Was held an honest man , though no good Bowler 44. On Dorothy Rich. Here resteth young Doll Rich , that dainty drab , Who troubled long with itch , dy'd of the scab . 45. On Ralph . Ralph bids adue to pleasures good or ill , But tels you true , 't is much against his will. 46. On Walter Moone . Here lies Wat Moone , that great Tobacconist , Who dy'd too soon for lack of had I wist . 47. On Iohn Cooling a Player-foole . Death hath too soon remov'd from us Io. Cooling , That was so well belov'd , and liv'd by fooling . 48. On a Welshman . Who living least ▪ espy'd his life should leese , By meer Metheglin dy'd ; and tosted Cheese . 49. On Io. Long. Here sleep I. Long , who liv'd till New-year●-tide , Full fourscore strong , but then fell sick and dy'd . 50. On Stephen Spooner . Death hath time borrow'd of our neighbour Spooner . Whose wife much sorrow'd that he di'd no sooner . 51. On a Lawyer . God works wonders now and than , Here lyes a Lawyer dy'd an honest man. 52. On a Waterman . Here sleep● Will Slater , why ? by death● command , Hath left the water to possesse the land . 53. On Sir Francis Drake . England his heart , his Corps the waters have , And that which raisd his fame , became his grave . 54. On a Gallant . Who cloth of Tissue wore , here flat doth lye , Having no issue , more than that in 's thigh . 55. On Iohn Garret . Gone is Iohn Garret , who to all mens thinking , For love to Claret , kill'd himself with drinking . 56. On notable Ned. Cause of the good nought must be said but good , 'T is well for Ned that nought he understood . 57. On a Taylour who dyed of the stitch . Here lies a Taylour in this ditch , Who liv'd and dyed by the stitch . 58. On a travelling Beggar . Here lies a Vagrant person whom our laws ( Of late grown strict ) denied passage , 'cause He wandring thus , therefore return he must , From whence at first he hither came ; to dust . 59. On a Mason . So long the Mason wrought on others wals , That his own house of clay to ruine fals : No wonder , spitefull death wrought his annoy , He us'd to build , and death seeks to destroy . 60. On a Schoolmaster . The Grammar School , a long time taught I have , Yet all my skill could not Decline the grave , But yet I hope it one day will be shown In no Case save the Ablative alone . 61. On Prince Henry . I have no vein in Verse , but if I could Distill on every word a Pearl , I would . Our sorrows pearls drop , not from pens , but eyes , Whilst other Muses write , mine onely cryes . 62. On the death of Mr. Newcomin of Clare-hall in Cambridge . Weep ye Clarenses , weep all about , For New-com-in is new gone out ; Weep not Clarenses , weep not a● all , He 's gone but from Clare to Trinity-Hal . 63. On Hobson the Carrier . Hobson ( what 's out of sight , is out of mind ) Is gone and left his Letters here behind , He that with so much paper us'd to meet Is now , alas ! content to take one sheet . 64. Another . He that such carriage store , was wont to have , Is carried now himselfe unto his grave : O strange ! he that in life ne'r made but one , Six Carriers makes , now he is dead and gone . 65. Another . Here Hobson lyes , prest with a heavy load , Who now is gone the old and common road ; The waggon he so lov'd , so lov'd to ride , That he was drawing on whilst that he dy'd . 66. Another . Hobson's not dead , but Charls the Northern Swain Hath sent for him to draw his lightsome wain . 67. On a Footman . This nimble Footman ran away from death , And here he rested being out of breath ; Here death him over-took , made him his slave , And sent him on an arrand to the grave . 68. Iustus Lipsius . Some have high mountains of Parian stone , And some in brasse carve their inscription , Some have their Tombs of costly marbles rear'd ; But in our tears onely are they interr'd . 69. On a Child . Like Birds of prey , Death snatche away , This harmlesse Dove , Whose soule so pure Is now secure In heaven above . 70. On a rich Gentleman . Of woods and plains , and hills and vales , Of fields , of meads , of parks , and pales ; Of all I had , this I possesse ; I need no more , I have no lesse . 71. On a Child . That flesh is grasse Its grace a flower , Read ere you passe Whom worms devoure . 72. On a Lock-smith . A zealous Lock-smith dy'd of late , Who by this time 's at heaven gate . The reason why he will not knock , Is 'cause he means to pick the lock . 73. On a Collier . Here lies the Collier Ienkin Dashes , By whom death nothing gain'd he swore , For living he was dust and ashes , And being dead he is no more . 74. On Dick Pinner . Here lyes Dick Pinner , O ungentle death ! Why didst thou rob Dick Pinner of his breath ? For living , he by scraping of a pin , Made better dust than thou hast made of him . 75. On a Sack-sucker . Good Reader blesse thee , be assur'd , The spirit of Sack lyes here immur'd : Who havock't all he could come by For Sack , and here quite sack'd doth ly . 76. On a Child . Into this world as stranger to an Inne , This Child came Guest-wise , where when it had bin A while , and found nought worthy of his stay , He onely broke his fast , and went away . 77. On a Candle . Here lyes the Chandlers chiefest joy , Here lyes the Schollers pale-fac'd boy ; Having nought else but skin and bone Dy'd of a deep Consumption . 78. On T. H. the Pannier-man of the Temple . Here lyes Tom Hacket this Marble under , Who often made the Cloysters thunder ; He had a horn , and when he blew i● , Call'd many a Cuckold that never knew it . 79. On a young Infant . The life of Man Is but a span , The common saying is ; But death did pinch His to an inch , Ere he could say , what 's this ? Yet he hath gain'd , not lost , thereby Changing time for eternity . 80. On Mr. Calfes death . Heaven of his soul take charge , for he , Of all his dayes liv'd but the halfe ; Who might have grown to be an Oxe , But dyed ( as you see ) a Calfe . 81. On Bolus . If gentlenesse could tame the Fates , or wit Delude them , Bolus had not dyed yet ; But one that death o'r-rules in judgement sits , And sayes our sins are stronger then our wits . 82. On a Clowne . Softly tread this earth upon , For here lyes our Corydon : Who through care to save his sheep Watch'd too much , Oh let him sleep ! 83. On a Child . As carefull Nurses on their beds doe lay , Their babes which would too long the wantons play , So to prevent my youths ensuing crimes , Nature my Nurse laid me to bed betime● . 85. On a Musitian . Be not offended at our sad complaint , You Quire of Angels , that have gain'd a Saint ; Where all perfection met in skill and voyce , We mourne our losse , but yet commend your choyce . 85. On a Gardener . Could he forget his death that every houre Was emblem'd to it , by the fading flowre ? Should he not mind his end ? yes , sure he must , That still was conversant 'mongst beds of dust . 86. On a Drunkard . Bibax the Drunkard , while he liv'd would say , The more I drink , the more methinks I may ; But see how death hath prov'd his saying just , For he hath drunk himselfe as dry as dust . 87. On a Child . Tread softly passenger , for here doth lye , A dainty Jewell of sweet Infancy : A harmlesse babe , that onely came and cry'd In baptism to be wash'd from sin , and dy'd . 88. Another . In this marble Casket lyes A matchlesse Jewell of rich pri●e , Whom nature in the worlds disdain But shew'd , and put it up again . 89. On Mr. Sands . Who would live in others breath ? Fame deceives the dead mans trust , When our names doe change by death , Sands I was , and now am dust . 90. On Mr. Goad . Go adde this Verse , to Goad's herse , For Goad is gone , but whither ? Goad himselfe is gone to God , 'T was deaths Goad drove him thither . 91. On Monday . Hallowed be the Sabbath And farewell all worldly pelf ; The week begins on Tuesday , For Munday hath hang'd himself . 92. On a Child . Here a pretty Baby lyes Sung asleep with Lullabies : Pray be silent , and not stir Th' easie earth that covers her 93. On a Matron . Here lies a wife was chast , a mother blest ; A modest Matron , all these in one chest : Sarah unto her Mate , Mary to God , Martha to men , whilst here she had aboad . 94. In Latine thus . Vxor casta , Parens felix , Matrona pudica , Sara viro , mundo Martha , Maria Deo. 95. On a Souldier . When I was young , in Wars I shed my blood , Both for my King , and for my Countries good : In elder years , my care was chief to be Souldier to him that shed his blood for me . 96. On Mr. Dumbelow , that dyed of the winde Collicke . Dead is Dick Dumbelow Would you the reason know ? Could his tail have but spoken , His stout heart had not broken . 97. On Mr. Kitchins death . Kitchin lyes here ( for so his name I found ) I see Death keeps his Kitchin under ground . And the poor worms ( that flesh of late did eat ) Devour their Kitchin now for want of meat . 98. On Isabella a Curtezan . He who would write an Epitaph , Whereby to make fair Is'bell laugh , Must get upon her , and write well , Here underneath lies Isabell. 99. On a vertuous wife . In brief , to speak thy praise , let this suffice , Thou wert a wife most loving , modest , wise , Of children carefull , to thy neighbours kind , A worthy Mistresse , and of liberall mind . 100. On Mr. Christopher Lawson . Death did not kill unjustly this good man , But death , in death , by death did shew his power , His pious deeds and thoughts to heaven fore-ran , There to prepare his soule a blessed bower . 101. On a Welshman . Here lyes puryed under these stones , Shon ap Williams , ap Shinkyn , ap Shones , Her was porn in Whales , her was kill'd in France , Her went to Cot by a very mis-shance . La ye now . 102. On Mr. Carter , burnt by the great powder-mischance in Finsbury . Here lies an honest Carter ( yet no clown ) Unladen of his cares , his end the Crown , Vanish'd from hence , even in a cloud of smoke , A blown-up Citizen , and yet not broke . 103. On a Lady dying in Childbed . Born at the first to bring another forth , She leav● the world , to leave the world her worth : Thus Phoenix-like , as she was born to bleed , Dying her selfe , renews it in her seed . 104. On a Faulconer . Death with her talon● having seiz'd this prey , After a tedious flight , trus●'d him away : We mark'd him , here he fell , whence he shall rise At call , till then unretriv'd here he lyes . 105. On Ioan Truman who had an issue in her legge . Here lyes crafty Ioan , deny it who can , Who liv'd a false maid , and dy'd a Truman , And this trick she had , to make up her cunning , Whilst one leg stood still , the other was running . 106. On a youth . Now thou hast heaven for merit , but 't is strange , Morality should envy at thy change : God thought us unfit for such as thee , And made thee consort of eternity . We grieve not then that thou to heaven art taken ▪ But that thou hast thy friends so soon forsaken . 107. On Prince Henry . Did he dye young ? O no , it could not be , For I know few that liv'd so long as he , Till God and all men lov'd him ; then behold , The man that lives so long , must needs be old . 108. On — borne before his time . Greiv'd at the world and times , this early Bloom Look'd round , and sigh'd , and stole into his Tomb , His fall was like his Birth , too quick ; this Rose Made hast to spread , and the same hast to close : Here lyes his dust , but his best Tomb's fled hence , For Marble cannot last like Innocence . 109. On a very fat man. Under this pebble stone , Here fast sleepeth one , And that is not two ; Yet was without doubt Far bigger about , Then both I , and you ; His kidneys encreast So much , that his wast Was hooped all round : But his girdle death cuts , And down fell his guts , ' Bouts heels to the ground . 110. On Iohn Newter . Reader , Iohn Newter who erst plaid The Jack on both sides , here is laid Who like the herb Iohn indifferent Was not for King , or Parliament , Yet fast and loose he could not play With death , he took him at a Bay ; What side his soule hath taken now God or Devil ? we hardly know : But this is certain , since he dy'd He hath been mist of neither side . 111. On Hocas Pocas . Here Hocas lyes with his tricks and his knocks , Whom death hath made sure as his Juglers box : Who many hath cozen'd by his leiger-demain , I● presto convey'd and here underlain : Thus Hocas he 's here , and here he is not , While death plaid the Hocas , and brought him to th'pot . 112. On a Child of two years old , being born and dying in July . Here is laid a Iuly flowre With surviving tears bedew'd , Not despairing of that houre When her spring shall be renew'd ; Ere she had her summer seen , She was gather'd fresh & green . 113. On a Cobler . Death at a Coblers door oft made a stand , And alwayes found him on the mending hand ; At last came death in very foul weather , And ript the sole from the upper leather : Death put a trick upon him , and what was 't ? The Cobler call'd for 's Awle , death brought his last . 114. On a young Gentlewoman . Nature in this small volume was about To perfect what in woman was left out : Yet carefull least a piece so well begun , Should want preservatives when she had done : Ere she could finish what she undertook , Threw dust upon it , and shut up the Book . 115. On a Scholler . Forbear Friend t'unclaspe this book , Only in the forefront look , For in it have errours bin , Which made the Author call it in : Yet know this , 't shall have more worth , At the second coming forth . 116. On a young Woman . The body which within this earth is laid , Twice six weeks knew a wife , a Saint , a maid ; Fair maid , chast wife , pure Saint , yet 't is not strange She was a woman , therefore pleasd to change : And now shee s dead , some woman doth remain , For still she hopes once to be chang'd again . 117. On Brawne . Here Brawne the quondam begger lyes , Who counted by his tale , Full sixscore winters in his life ; Such vertue is in Ale. Ale was his meat , Ale was his drink , Ale did him long reprive , And could he still have drunk his Ale , He had been still alive . 118. On a Candle . Here lyes ( I wot ) a little star That did belong to Iupiter , Which from him Prometheus stole , And with it a fire-coale . Or this is that I mean to handle , Here doth lye a farthing Candle , That was lov'd well , having its light , But loosing that , now bids good night . 119. On M. R. Who soonest dies , lives long enough , Our life is but a blast or puffe . I did resist and strive with death , But soon he put me out of breath ; He of my life thought to bereave me , But I did yield onely to breath me . O'r him I shall in triumph sing , Thy conquest Grave , where is thy sting ? 120. On a Child . Here she lies a prtty bud , Lately made of flesh and blood : Who , as soon , fell fast asleep , As her little eyes did peep ; Give her strewings ; but not stir The earth that lightly covers her . 121. On an Inne-keeper . It is not I that dye , I do but leave an Inn , Where harboun'd was with me , all filthy kind of sin ; It is not I that dye ▪ I doe but now begin Into etenall ●oy by faith to enter in . Why weep you then my friends , my parents , and my kin ? Lament ye when I loose , but weep not when I win . 122. On a Cobler . Come hither , read my gentle friend , And here behold a Coblers end . Longer in length his life had gone , But that he had no Last so long ; O mighty Death , whose dart can kill The man that made him souls at wil● 123. On M. Aire . Under this stone of Marble faire , Lies th'body ' ntomb'd of Gervase Aire . He dy'd not of an ●gue-fit , Nor surfeited of too much wit , Me thinks this was a wondrous death , That Aire should dye for want of breath 124. On Mr. Rice . M. Who can doubt ( Rice ) to what eternall place Thy soul is fled , that did but know thy face ? Whose body was so light it might have gone To heaven without a resurrection ; Indeed thou wert all type , thy limbs were signes , Thy Arteries but Mathematick lines ; As if two soules had made the compound good , Which both should live by faith , & none by blood . 125. On Thomas Iones . Here for the nonce Came Thomas Ionce In St. Iileses Church to lye , None welch before , None Welshman more Till Shon Clerk dye . I le tole the bell , I le ring his knell , He dyed well , He 's saved from Hell : And so farewell Tom Ionce . 126. On a young man. Surpriz'd by grief and sicknesse here I lye , Stopt in my middle age , and soon made dead , Yet doe not grudge at God , if soon thou dye , But know he trebles favours on thy head . Who for thy morning work equals thy pay , With those that have endur'd the heat oth'day . 127. On the two Littletons that were drowned at Oxford , 1636. Here lye we ( Reader , canst thou not admire ? ) Who both at once by water dy'd and fire , For whilst our bodies perish'd in the deep , Our soules in love burnt , so we fell asleep : Let this be then our Epitaph : Here lyes Two , yet but one , one for the other dyes . 128. On a Butler . That death should thus from hence our Butler catch , Into my mind it cannot quickly sink ; Sure death came thirsty to the buttry-hatch , When he ( that busi'd was ) deny'd him drink . Tut ! 't was not so , 't is like he gave him liquor , And death made drunk , him made away the quicker ; Yet let not others grive too much in mind ( the Butler's gone ) the keys are left behind . 129. On M. Cook. To God , his Country , and the poor , he had A zealous soule , free heart , and lib'rall mind . His wife , his Children , and his kindred sad , Lack of his love , his care and kindnesse find : Yet are their sorrows asswag'd with the thought He hath attain'd the happinesse he sought . 130. On a Porter . At length by works of wondrous fate , Here lyes the Porter of Winchester-gate : If gone to heav'n , as much I feare : He can be but a Porter there : He fear'd not hell so much ●or's sin , As for th'great rapping , and oft coming in . 131. Vpon one who dyed in Prison . Reader , I liv'd , enquire no more , Left a spy enter in at doore , Such are the times , a dead man dare Not trust nor credit common aire , But dye and lye Entombed here , By me , I 'l whisper in thine ear Such things as onely dust to dust ( And without witnesse ) may entrust . 132. On Waddam Colledge Butler . Mans life is like a new-tunn'd Cask they say , The formost draught , is oft times cast away , Such are our younger years , the following still Are more and more inclining unto ill ; Such is our manhood , untill age at length , Doth sowre its sweetnes , & doth stop its strength : Then death prescribing to each thing its bounds , Takes what is lef● , and turns it all to grounds . 133. On a Horse . Here lies a Horse , who dyed but To make his Master go on foot . A miracle should it be so : The dead to make the lame to go ; Yet Fate would have it , that the same Should make him goe , that made him lame . 134. On an old Man a Residenciary . Tread , Sirs , as lightly as you can Upon the grave of this old man. Twice forty ( bating but one yeare , And thrice three weeks ) he lived here . Whom gentle fate translated hence To a more happy Residence . Yet , Reader let me tell thee this , ( Which from his Ghost a promise is ) If here ye will some few tears shed , He 'l never haunt ye now he 's dead . 135. On a Maid . Here she lyes ( in Bed spice ) Faire as Eve in Paradise . For her beauty it was such Poets co'd not praise too much . Virgins come , and in a Ring Her supreamest Requium sing ; Then depart , but see ye tread Lightly , lightly ore the dead . 136. On Husband and Wife . To these , whom Death againe did wed , This Grave 's the second Marriage-Bed . For though the hand of Fate could force , Twixt soule and body a Divorce ; It could not sever Man and wife , Because they both liv'd but one life ; Peace , good Reader , doe not weep , Peace the Lovers are asleep : They ( sweet Turtles ) folded lye , In the last knot that love could tye . Let them sleep , let them sleep on , Till this stormy night be gone . And th' eternall morrow dawne , Then the Curtaines will be drawne , And they waken with that light , Whose day shall never sleep in night . 137. On Aretyne . Here biting Aretyne lyes buried ▪ With gall more bitter , never man was fed . The living nor the dead to carp he spar'd , Nor yet for any King or Caesar car'd : Onely on God to raile he had forgot , His answer was , indeed I know him not . 138. On William Coale an Alehouse-keeper , at Coaton near Cambridge . Doth William Coale lye here ? henceforth be stale , Be strong and laugh on us , thou Coaten Ale : Living indeed , he with his violent hand Never left grasping thee , while he could stand . But death at last , hath with his fiery flashes Burnt up the Coale , and turn'd it into ashes . 139. On one Andrew Leigh , who was vext with a shrewd wife . Here lies Leigh , who vext with a shrewd wife , To gain his quiet , parted with his life ; But see the spight ! she that had alwayes crost Him living , dyes , and means to hunt his Ghost . But she may faile , for Andrew out of doubt Will cause his brother Peter shut her out . 140. In quendam . Stay mortall , stay , remove not from this Tomb , Before thou hast consider'd well thy doome ; My bow stands ready bent , and couldst i● see , Mine arrow 's drawn to th' head , and aims at thee : Prepare yet wandring Ghost , take home this line ; The grave that next is open'd may be thine . 141. On a vertuous youth . Reader , let a stone thee tell That in this body there did dwell A'soule , as heavenly , rich , and good , As e'r could live in flesh and blood : And therefore heav'n that held it deare , Did let it stay the lesse while here , Whose Corps here sacred ashes makes ; Thus heav'n and earth have parted stakes . 142. On a Cock-master . Farewell stout Hot-spur , now the battel 's done , In which th' art foil'd , and death hath overcome , Having o'r-match'd thy strength that made thee stoop Shee quickly forc'd thee on the pit to droop : From whence thou ar● not able rise or stir ; For death is now become the vanquisher . 143. On a Mathematician . Lo● , in small closure of this earthly bed , Rests he , that heavens vast motions measured , Who having known both of the Land and sky , More than fam'd Archimede , or Ptolomy , Would further presse , and like a Palmer went , With Iacobs staffe , beyond the Firmament . 144. On a Taylour . Iack Snip the Taylor 's dead , 't is now too late To brawl or wrangle with the cruel fate , Yet sure 't was hardly done to clip his thred , Before he gave them leave , in his own bed . He dy'd at forty just ; poor shred of base Mortality ! who pities not his case ? Of a whole ell of cloth , he would not take Above a nail at most , for conscience sake : But of his span of life , I dare to say , Death stole not much lesse than one halfe away ; And Coward-like , just when he was not well , With his own bodkin ( pitifull to tell ) He board a hole through him , that all his men And Prentices could not stitch up agen . 143. On his Mistris Death . Unjustly we complain of Fate , For shortning our unhappy dayes , When death doth nothing but translate , And print us in a better phrase . Yet who can chuse but weep ? Not I : That beauty of such excellence , And more vertue than could dye , By deaths rude hand is vanish'd hence . Sleep blest creature in thine urn , My sighs , my tears , shall not awake thee . I but stay untill my turn ; And then , O then ! I 'l overtake thee . 146. On Hobson the Carrier . If Constellations which in heaven are fixt , Give life by influence to bodies mixt , And every sign peculiar right doth claime Of that to which it propagates a name ; Then I conjure , Charles the great Northern star Whistled up Hobson for to drive his Car. He is not dead , but left his mansion here , Has left the Bull , and flitted to the Beare . Me thinks I see how Charons fingers itches , But he 's deceiv'd he cannot have his riches . 147. Another on Hobson . Whom seek ye firs ? Old Hobson ? ●ie upon Your tardinesse , the Carrier is gon , Why stare you so ? nay , you deserve to faile , Alas , here 's nought , but his old rotten maile . He went a good-while since , no question store Are glad , who vext he would not goe before : And some are griev'd hee 's gone so soon away , The Lord knows why he did no longer stay . How could he please you all ? I 'm sure of this , He linger'd soundly , howsoe'r you misse ; But gone he is , nor was he surely well At his departure , as mischance befell : For he is gone in such unwonted kind , As ne'r before , his goods all left behind . 148. Old Hobsons Epitaph . Here Hobson lies among his many betters , A man unlearned , yet a man of Letters ; His carriage was well known , oft hath he gone In Embassy 'twixt father and the sonne : There 's few in Cambridge , to his praise be it spoken , But may remember him by some good Token . From whence he rid to London day by day , Till death benighting him , he lost his way : His Team was of the best , nor would he have Been mir'd in any way , but in the grave . Nor is 't a wonder , that he thus is gon , Since all men know , he long was drawing on . Thus rest in peace thou everlasting Swain , And supreme Waggoner , next Charles his wain . 149. Vpon Iohn Crop , who dyed by taking a vomit . Mans life 's a game at Tables , and he may Mend his bad fortune by his wiser play ; Death playes against us , each disease and sore Are blots , if hit , the danger is the more To lose the game ; but an old stander by Binds up the blots , and cures the malady , And so prolongs the game ; Iohn Crop was he Death in a rage did challenge for to see His play , the dice are thrown , when first he drinks , Casts , makes a blot , death hits him with a Sinqu●● He casts again , but all in vain , for death By th'after game did win the prize , his breath . What though his skill was good , his luck was bad , For never mortall man worse casting had . But did not death play false to win from such As he ? no doubt , he bare a man too much . 150. An honest Epitaph . Here lyes an honest man , Reader if thou seek more , Thou art not so thy selfe ; for honesty is store Of Commendations ; and it is more praise , To dye an honest man , then full of dayes . 151. On a Cobler . Here lyes an honest Cobler , whom curst Fate , Perceiving near worn out , would needs translate ; 'T was a good thrifty soul , and time hath bin , He would well liquor'd wade through thick and thin : But now he 's gone , 't is all that can be said , Honest Iohn Cobler is here under-laid . 152. On a proud man. Good Reader know , that commest nigh , Here lies he low , that look'd so high . Both poor and nak'd , that was gay-cloath'd : Of all forsak'd , who others loath'd . He once thought all envy'd his worth : Nor great , nor small , now grudge his turf : The heavenly Cope was his ambition : Three Cubits scope is his fruition . He was above all ; God above him : He did not love all ; nor God love him : He that him taught first to aspire , Now hath him caught , and payes his hire . 153. On an irefull and angry man. Here lyes a Fury , hight Sir Ire , That bred , & earn'd immortal fire . He 'gan to wrangle from the womb ; And was a wrangler to his Tomb. A peevish , and a foolish elfe , Foe to his God , his Saints , his self . He hated men , men did not love him : No evill but his own might move him . He was , and was earths load and care : He is , and is hells brand , and share . 154. On Iohn Dawson Butler . Dawson the Butler's dead , although I think Poets were nere insusd with single drink , I le spend a farthing Muse , a watery Verse Will serve the turn to cast upon his Herse . If any cannot weep among us here , Take off his cup , and so squeze out a teare . Weep O ye barrels , let your drippings fall In trickling streams , make wast more prodigall , Then when our beer was good , that Iohn may float To Stix in beer , and lift up Charrons boat , With wholsome waves : and as the Conduits ran VVith Claret , at the Coronation , So let your channels flow with single Tiff , For Iohn I hope is crown'd : take off your whiff , Ye men of Rosemary , and drink up all , Remembring 't is a Butlers Funerall : Had he been Master of good duble beer , My life for his , Iohn Dawson had been here . 155. On Turn-Coat . Passenger , Stay , Reade , Walke . Here Lyeth , ANDREW TURNCOAT , WHO WAS NEITHER SLAVE , NOR SOULDIER , NOR PHYSITIAN , NOR FENCER , NOR COBLER , NOR FILCHER , NOR LAWYER , NOR USURER , BUT ALL WHO LIVED NEITHER IN CITY , NOR COUNTRY , NOR AT HOME , NOR ABROAD , NOR AT SEA , NOR AT LAND , NOR HERE , NOR ELSEWHERE , BUT EVERY WHERE . WHO DIED , NEITHER OF HUNGER , NOR POYSON , NOR HATCHET , NOR HALTER , NOR DOGGE , NOR DISEASE , BUT OF ALL TOGETHER . 1.1 . H. BEING NEITHER HIS DEBTOR , NOR HEIRE , NOR KINSMAN , NOR FRIEND , NOR NEIGHBOUR , BUT ALL , IN HIS MEMORY HAVE ERECTED , THIS NEITHER MONUMENT , NOR TOMB , NOR SEPULCHER , BUT ALL WISHING NEITHER EVIL , NOR WEL , NEITHER TO THEE , NOR TO ME , NOR HIM , BUT ALL UNTO ALL. 156. On a Dyer . Though death the Dyer colour-lesse hath made , Yet he dies pale , and will not leave his trade ; But being dead , the means yet doth not lack , To dye his friends cloth into mourning black . Some sure foresaw his death , for they of late Usd to exclaim upon his dying Fate . And weak , and faint , he seem'd oft times t' have been , For to change colours often he was seen ; Yet there no matter was so foul , but he Would set a colour on it handsomely : Death him no unexpected stroke could give , That learnt to dye , since he began to live . He shall yet prove , what he before had try'd , And shall once more live after he hath dy'd . 157. On a disagreeing Couple . Hic jacet ille , qui centies & mille Did scold with his Wife : Cum illo jacet illa , quae communis in villa Did qui●tance his life : His name was Nick , the which was sick , And that very male , Her name was Nan , who loved well a man , So Gentlemen , vale . 158. On a Foot-boy that dyed with overmuch running . Base Tyrant death , thus to assail one tir'd , Who scarce his latest breath being left expir'd ; And being too too cruell thus to stay So swift a course , at length ran quite away . But pretty boy , be sure it was not death That left behind thy body out of breath : Thy soul and body running in a race , Thy soul held out , thy body tir'd apace , Thy soul gained , and left that lump of clay To rest it selfe untill the latter day . 159. On a Scrivener . Here to a period is the Scrivener come , This is the last sheet , his full point this Tomb. Of all aspersions● excuse him not , 'T is known he liv'd not , without many a blot ; Yet he no ill example shew'd to any , But rather gave good Copies unto many . ●e in good Letters hath alwayes been bred , And hath writ more then many men have read . He rulers had at his command by Law , And though he could not hang , yet he could draw He far more bond-men had , and made , then any ; A dash alone of his pen ruin'd many ; That not without good reason , we might call His Letters great , or little , Capitall . Yet is the Scriveners fate as sure as just , When he hath all done then he falls to dust . 160. On Mr. P. Gray . Reader stay , And if I had no more to say , But here doth lye till the last day , All that is left of Philip Gray ; It might thy patience richly pay : For , if such men as he could dye , What surety of life have thou and I ? 161. On a Chandler . How might his dayes end that made weeks ? or he That could make light , here laid in darknesse be ? Yet since his weeks were spent , how could he chuse But be depriv'd of light , and his trade lose ? Yet dead the Chandler is , and sleeps in peace , No wonder , long since melted was his greace : It seems that he did evill , for day-light He hated , and did rather wish the night : Yet came his works to light , and were like gold Prov'd in the fire , but could not tryall hold ; His candle had an end , and deaths black night Is an extinguisher of all his light . 162. On a Smith . Farewell stout Iron-side , not all thine Art Could make a shield against deaths envious Dart. Without a fault , no man his life doth passe , For to his Vice the Smith addicted was . He oft ( as Choler is increast by fire ) Was in a fume , and much inclin'd to ire . He had so long been usd to forge , that he Was with a black-coal markt for forgery : But he for witnesse needed not to care , Who but a Black-smith was , though ne'r so fair ; And opportunities he needed not . That knew to strike then when their'n was hot ; As the door-Nailes he made , hee 's now as dead ; He them , and death him , hath knockt on the head . 163. On a man drown'd in the Snow . Within a fleece of silent waters drown'd , Before my death was known , a grave I found ; The which exil'd my life from her sweet home , For grief straight froze it selfe into a tombe . One element my angry Fate thought meet To be my death , grave , tomb , and winding sheet : Phaebus himself , an Epitaph had writ , But blotting many ere he thought one fit ; He wrote untill my grave , and tomb were gone , And 't was an Epitaph that I had none ; For every one that passed by that way , Without a sculture read that there I lay . Here now the second time untomb'd I lye , And thus much have the best of Destiny : Corruption , from which onely one was free , Devour'd my grave , but did not feed on me : My first grave took me from the race of men , My last shall give me back to life agen . 164. On Doctor Hackets wif● . Drop mournfull eyes your pearly trickling tears , Flow streams of sadnesse down the spangled sphears , Fall like the tumbling Cataracts of Nile , Make deaf the world with cryes ; let not a smile Appear , let not an eye be seen to sleep Nor slumber , onely let them serve to weep Her dear lamented death , who in her life Was a religious , loyall , loving wife , Of Children tender , to an husband kind , Th' undoubted symtomes of a vertuous mind : Which makes her glorious , 'bove the highest pole , Where Angels sing sweet Requiums to her soule , She liv'd a none-such , did a none-such dye , Ne'r none-such here her Corps interred lye , 165. On a beautifull Virgin. In this Marble buri'd lyes , Beauty , may inrich the Skyes , And adde light to Phaebus eyes . Sweeter then Aurora's aire , When she paints the Lilies faire , And gilds Cowslips with her haire . Chafter then the Virgin spring , Ere her blossomes she doth bring , Or cause Philomel to sing . If such goodnesse live 'mongst men , Bring me it ; I know then She is come from heaven agen . But if not , ye standers by Cherish me , and say that I Am the next design'd to dy . 166. An ancient Epitaph on Martin Mar-Prelate . The Welshman is hanged , Who at our Kirk flanged , And at her state banged , And breaded are his Bukes : And though he be hanged , Yet he is not wranged , The Devill has him fanged In his kruked klukes . 167. Vpon Hodge Pue's Father . Oh cruell death that stop● the view Of Thoms Parishioner good-man Pue , Who lived alwayes in good order , Untill that death stopt his Recorder , Which was betwixt Easter and Pentecost , In the year of the great frost : At New-Market then was the King , When as the Bells did merrily ring ; The Minister preached the day before Unto his Highnesse , and no more , Returning home , said prayers , and Buried the man as I understand . 168. On our prime English Poet Geffery Chaucer , an ancient Epitaph . My Master Chaucer , with his fresh Comedies Is dead , alas ! chiefe Poet of Britaine , That whilome made full piteous Tragedies : The fault also of Princes did complaine , As he that was of making Soveraigne ; Whom all this Land should of right preferre , Sith of our Language he was the Load-sterre . 169. On Mr. Ed● : Spencer , the famous Poet. At Delphos shrine , one did a doubt propound , Which by the Oracle must be released , Whether of Poets were the best renown'd , Those that survive , or they that are deceased ? The Gods made answer by divine suggestion , While Spencer is alive , it is no question . 170. On Iohn Owen . Well had these words been added to thy herse , What e'r thou spak'st ( like Ovid ) was a verse . 171. On Michael Drayton buryed in Westminster . Doe pious Marble , let thy Readers know , What they , and what their Children ow To Draytons sacred name , whose dust We recommend unto thy trust . Protect his memory , preserve his story , And a lasting Monument of his glory , And when thy ruines shall disclaime To be the Treasury of his name : His name which cannot fade , shall be An everlasting Monument to thee . 172. On Mr. Beaumont . He that hath such acutenesse , and such wit , As well may ask six lives to manage it ; He that hath writ so well , that no man dare Deny it for the best ; let him beware : Beaumont is dead , by whose sole death appears , Wit 's a disease consumes men in few years . 173. On William Shakespeare . Renowned Spencer lye a thought more nigh To learned Chaucer , and rare Beaumont lye A little nearer Spencer , to make room For Shakespeare in your threefold , fourfold tomb , To lodge all four in one bed make a shift Untill Dooms-day , for hardly will a fifth Betwixt this day and that , by Fates be slain , For whom your curtains may be drawn again . If your precedency in death doe bar A fourth place in your sacred Sepulcher ; Under this sacred Marble of thine owne , Sleep rare Tragoedian Shakespeare ! sleep ●lone . Thy unmolested peace in an unshared cave , Possesse as Lord , not Tenant of thy grave , That knto us , and others it may be , Honour hereafter to be laid by thee . 174. On Ben : Iohnson . Here lyes Iohnson with the rest Of the Poets ; but the best . Reader , wo'dst thou more have known ? Ask his story , not this stone ; That will speak what this can't tell Of his glory . So farewell . 175. Another on Ben : I. The Muses fairest light , in no dark time ; The wonder of a learned Age ; the line That none can passe ; the most proportion'd wit To Nature : the best Judge of what was fit : The deepest , plainest , highest , clearest pen : The voyce most Eccho'd by consenting men : The soul which answer'd best to all well said By others : and which most requitall made : Tun'd to the highest key of ancient Rome , Returning all her musick with her owne . In whom with nature , study claim'd a part , And yet who to himself ow'd all his Art ; Here lyes Ben : Iohnson , every age will look With sorrow here , with wonder on his Book . 176. On Mr. Francis Quarles . To them that understand themselves so well , As what , not who lies here , to ask , I 'l tell , What I conceive , envy dare not deny , Far both from falshood , and from flattery . Here drawn to land by death , doth lye A Vessell fitter for the skye , Then Iasons Argo , though to Greece , They say , it brought the Golden Fleece . The skillfull Pilot steer'd it so , Hither and thither , to and fro , Through all the Seas of Poetry , Whether they far or near doe lye , And fraught it so with all the wealth , Of wit and learning , not by stealth , Or Piracy , but purchase got , That this whole lower world could not Richer Commodities , or more Afford to adde unto his store . To heaven then with an intent Of new discoveries , he went , And left his Vessell here to rest Till his return shall make it blest . The bill of Lading he that looks To know , may find it in his Books . 177. On Doctor Donnes death . He that would write an Epitaph for thee , And doe it well , must first begin to be Such as thou wert ; for none can truly know Thy worth , thy life , but he that hath liv'd so . He must have wit to spare , and to hurle down : Enough to keep the Gallants of the Town . He must have learning plenty ; both the Laws , Civill , and Common , to judge any Cause ; Divinity great store , above the rest ; None of the worst edition , but the best ; He must have language , travall , all the Arts ; Judgement to use ; or else he wants thy parts . He must have friends the highest , able to do ; Such as Maecenas and Augustus too ; He must have such a sicknesse , such a death , Or else his vain descriptions come beneath . Who then shall write an Epitaph for thee , He must be dead first ; let alone for me . 176. On Doctor Whaly . What ? is the young Apollo grown of late Conscious his tender years are nothing fit To rule the now large Heliconian S●ate , Without a sage Competitor in it ? And therefore sen● death , who might Whaly bring To be a Guardian to this stripling King ? Sure so it is , but if we thought it might Be worse then this : namely , that th' Gods for spight To earth , had ta'n him hence ; wee 'd weep amain , Wee 'd weep a Phlegethon , an Ocean ; Which might without the help of Charous Oares , Ferry his soule to the Elysian shoares . 179. On Doctor Bambrigg . Were but this Marble vocall , there Such an Elogium would appear As might , though truth did dictate , move Distrust in either faith or love ; As ample knowledge as could rest Inshrined in a Mortals breast , Which ne'rethelesse did open lye , Uncovered by humility . A heart which piety had chose , To be her Altar , whence arose Such smoaking Sacrifices , that We here can onely wonder at ; A honey tongue that could dispence , Torrents of sacred Eloquence ; That 't is no wonder if this stone Because it cannot speak , doth groan ; For could Mortality assent , These ashes would prove eloquent . 180. On Sir Walter Rawleigh at his Execution . Great heart , who taught thee so to dye ? Death yielding thee the victory ? Where took'st thou leave of life ? if there , How couldst thou be so freed from fear ? But sure thou dyest , and qui●'st the state Of flesh and blood before the Fate . Else what a miracle were wrought , To triumph both in flesh and thought ? I saw in every stander by , Pale death , life onely in thine eye : Th' example that thou left'st was then , We look for when thou dy'st agen . Farewell , truth shall thy story say , We dy'd , thou onely liv'dst that day . 181. On Sir Horatio Palavozeene . Here lies Sir Horatio Palavozeene , Who rob'd the Pope to pay the Queene , And was a thief . A thief ? thou ly'st : For why ? he rob'd but Antichrist . Him death with his beesome swept from Babram , Into the bosome of old Abraham : But then came Hercules with his Club , And struck him down to Belzebub . 182. On Sir Francis Drake drowned . Where Drake first found , there last he lost his fame : And for Tomb left nothing but his name . His body 's bury'd under some grea● wave , The Sea that was his glory , is his grave : Of him no man true Epitaph can make , For who can say , Here lies Sir Francis Drake . 183. Sir Ph. Sidney on himselfe . It is not I that dye , I do but leave an Inn , Where harbour'd was with me , all filthy sin ; It is not I that dye , I doe but now begin Into etenall joy by faith to enter in . Why mourn you then my Parents , Friends , and Kin ? Lament you when I lose , not when I win . 184. On Sir Wal●er Rawleigh . If spight be pleasd , when as her object 's dead , Or malice pleasd , when it hath bruisd the head , Or envy pleasd , when it hath what it would , Then all are pleasd , for Rawleighs blood is cold , Which were it warm and active , would o'rcome , And strike the two first blind , the other dumbe . 185. On Sir Philip Sidney . Reader : within this ground Sir Philip Sidney lyes , Nor is it sir , that more I should acquaint ; Left superstition rise , And men adore A Lover , Scholler , Souldier , and a Saint . 186. On a Learned Nobleman . He that can read a sigh , and spell a tear , Pronounce amazement , or accent will fear , Or get all grief by heart , he , onely he , Is fit to write , or read thy Elegie . Unvalued Lord ! that wert so hard a text , Read in one age , and understood i'th'next . 187. On the Tombs in Westminster . Mortality , behold , and feare , What a change of flesh is here ! Think how many Royall bones , Sleep within these heaps of Stones ; Here they lye , had Realms , and Lands ; Who now want strength to stir their hands . Where from their Pulpits seal'd with dust , They preach , in greatnesse is no trust . Here 's an acre sown indeed , With the richest , royal'st seed , That the earth did e'r suck in , Since the first man dy'd for sin : Here the bones of birth have cry'd , Though Gods they were , as men they dy'd : Here are Sands , ignoble things , Dropt from the ruin'd sides of Kings , Here 's a world of Pomp and State Buried in dust , once dead by fate . 188. On Queen Elizabeth . Kings , Queens , Mens , Virgins eyes See where the mirrour lyes . In whom her friends have seen , A Kings state in a Queen : In whom her foes survai'd , A Mans heart in a Maid . Whom lest Men for her Piety , Should grow to think some Deity ; Heaven hence by death did summon Her , to shew that she was Woman . 189. On Queen Anne , who dyed in March , was kept all Aprill , and buried in May. March with his winds hath struck a Cedar tall , And weeping Aprill mourns the Cedars fall : And May intends her month no flowres shall bring , Since she must lose the flow'r of all the Spring . Thy March his winds , have caused Aprill show'rs , And yet sad May must lose his flow'r of flow'rs . 190 On Prince Henry . Reader ; wonder think it none , Though I speak , and am a stone , Here is shri●'d Coelestialll dust , And I keep it but in trust : Should I not my treasure tell , Wonder then you might as well , How this Stone could chuse but break , If it had not learn'd to speak : Hence amaz'd and ask not me Whose these sacred ashes be , Purposely it is conceal'd , For alasse ! were that reveal'd , All that read would by and by Melt themselves to tears and dy . 191. On King Iames his death . We justly , when a meaner subject dyes , Begin his Epitaph with , Here he lyes , But when a King , whose memory remains Triumphant over death ; with , here he reignes : Now he is dead , to whom the world imputes Deservedly , eternall Attributes . For shall we think his glory can decease , That 's honour'd with the stile , The King of Peace : Whose happy union of Great Britanny ? Calls him the blessed King of Unity . And in whose Royall Title it ensu'th , Defender of the Faith , and King of Truth , These girt thy brows with an immortal Crown , ( Great Iames ) & turn thy Tomb into a Throne . 192. On the King of Sweden . The world expects Swede's monumentall stone Should equall the Philosophers ; each groane Should breath a golden vein , and every verse Sould draw Elixar from his fatall Herse . No fitter subject where strong lines should meet , Than such a noble Center : could the feet Of able Verse but trace his Victories , Where all 's transcendent , who out parallel'd Pluiarchs selected Heroes , and is held The tenth of Worthies : who hath over-acted Great German-Comment , and contracted H● expeditions by preventing aw , He often overcame before he saw : And ( what of his great Son , Iove us'd to say ) He alwayes either found or made his way . Such was his personall and single fight , As if that death it self had ra'n her flight Into brave Swedens●cabbard ●cabbard , when he drew , Death with that steel inevitably flew . His Camp a Church , wherein the Gen'ralls life Was the best Sermon , and the onely strife Amongst his , was to repeat it ; bended knee Was his prime posture , and his enemy Found this most prevalent ; his discipline Impartiall and exact , it did out-shine Those Antique Martiall Grecian , Roman lamps , From which most of the worlds succeeding Camps Have had their borrow'd light ; this , this was he , All this and more ; yet even all this can dye . Death surely ventur'd on the Swede to try , If heav'n were subject to mortality ; And shot his soule to Heav'n , as if that she Could ( if not kill ) unthrone a Deity . Both Death 's deceiv'd , 't is in another sense ▪ That Heaven is said to suffer violence . No ir'n Chain-shot , but 't is the golden chaine Of Vertue , and the Graces are the maine , That doe unhinge the everlasting Gates , All which like yoked undivided ma●es , Were lin'd in Sweden ; where then were ●nchain'd Like Orthodoxall , Volumes nothing feign'd : Though fairly bound , his story is not dipt In oyle , but in his own true Manuscript . It is enough to name him , surely we Have got that Romans doting Lethargy : And may our names forget , if so we can Forget the name of Sweden ; renown'd man ? Thou hadst no sooner made the Worthies ten , But Heaven did claim the tenth ; jealous that men Would Idolize thee , but their Instrument . Thus thy Meridian prov'd thy Occident : Had longer dayes been granted by the Fates , Rome had heard this Hanniball at her gates . Farewell thou Austrian scourge , Thou modern wonder , Strange rain hath followed Thy last clap of thunder , A shower of tears : And yet for ought we know , The Horn that 's left , May blow down Iericho . 163. To Death . Death , art thou mad ? or having lost thine eyes , Now throw'st thy dart at wild uncertainties ? Which hits those men , who hadst thou eyes or sense Would challenge from thee mild obedience . Their prudent looks gilt with Divinity , Thy trembling hand would cast thy dart away , And grant the wearied Bells a holy day ; And thou griev'd for thy former cruelty , Wouldst to the world proclaim a Jubilee . But thou art blind and deaf : yet one or two At most , me thinks , had been enow To satisfie thy bloody Tyranny . But thou wouldst fain rob poor mortality Of all true worth , that men might be as base As thou art , and the Devils of thy race . Art thou Coward grown ? why didst not dart Thy spight at lusty youth ? whose valiant heart Would scorn thy fond Alarums , and would sl●ght Thy mighty malice , and thy puny might . This had bin fair enough ; but thou goest further : That had been but man-slaughter , this is murther ; To kill those rich-soul'd men , who sweetly doe Whisper unto their willing souls to goe . But knowledge of thy weaknesse makes thee wise , Thou seek'st not triumphs now , but sacrifice . Thy malice fools thee too , thou hop'st they 'd griev Because they should be forc'd behind to leave Their honour'd worth ; but ( fond fool ) they be Now crown'd and cloath'd with immortality . Nor shal● thou kill their fames ; here we will raise A Monument to them , shall out-last dayes ; Nor shall decay , untill the Trumpets call The world to see thy long-wish'd Funerall : Till then sleep blest soules , freed from hopes and fears . Whilst we do write your Epitaphs in tears . FANCIES AND Fantasticks . maze Time that all things doth inheritt Renders each desert his meritt , Youth with youth is best combined , Each one with his like is twined , Bewty should have bewteous meaning , Ever that hope easeth playning , Doe so and to love be turning El's each ♡ it will be burning Learne to love & leave denying , Endles knotts let fates be tying , Such a face so fine a feature , Kindest , fairest , sweetest creature , Never yet was found but loving , O then let my plaints be moving , I love not with vowes contesting , Faith is faith without protesting , Aenigma . AS often as I please it changeth forme , It is no Coward , though it doe no harme ; 'T is never hurt , nor ever doth it seed ; 'T is nothing worth , yet nothing doth it need . Swiftly it runs , yet never maketh sound , And once being lost , again 't is never found . 'T is a fit Servant for a Gentleman , And a true pattern for a Serving-man . 'T is born a Gyant , lives a Dwarfe , and nigh Unto its death , a Gyant doth it dye . Another on the six Cases . No. Nanta was nominated for a W. Gen. For she that had been Genitive before : Da. Notice hereof was to the Iustice given , Acc. Who her accu'sd , that she had loosly liven . Voc. But she cry'd mercy , and her fault up ript , Abl. And so was ta'n away and soundly whipt . Her Case was ill ; yet will the question be , Being thus declin'd , in what a Case was she If V 2 I , as I 2 V am true , V I must lye , and I in V Thoughts — c Searching c Valued may B Love — may B Truth never ties Too A foole yy If have part And V bb Y 'ave 1.2 . many then I. C. And R not worth Write QQ I 'le — not yours VV A Riddle . A begger once exceeding poore , A penny pray'd me give him , And deeply vow'd ne'r to ask more And I ne'r more to give him , Next day he begg'd again , I gave , Yet both of us our Oaths did save . Another . There was a man bespake a thing , Which when the owner home did bring , He that made it , did refuse it , He that bought it , would not use it ; He that hath it doth not know Whether he hath it , yea or no. Another . One evening , as cold , as cold might be , With Frost and Snow , and pinching weather , Companions about three times three , Lay close all in a bed together ; Yet one after other they took heat , And dy'd that night all in a sweat . maze THIS is love and worth commending , Still beginning never ending , Like a wilie net insnaring In a round shuts up all squaring . In and out , whose everie angle More and more doth still intangle . Keeps a measure still in moving , And is never light but lovinge Twyning armes exchanging kisses , Each partaking others blisses . Laughing weepinge still togeather Blisse in one is myrth in either . Never breaking ever bending , This is love & worth commending . A doubtfull meaning . The Faeminine kind is counted ill : And is I swear : The contrary ; No man can find : That hurt they will ; But every where : Doe show pity ; To no kind heart : They will be curst ; To all true friends : They will be trusty ; In no part : They work the worst ; With tongue and mind : But honesty ; They doe detest : Inconstancy ; They doe embrace : Honest intent ; They like least : Lewd fantasie ; In every case : Are penitent ; At no season : Doing amisse ; To it truly : Contrary ; To all reason : Subject and meek ; To no body : Malicious ; To friend or foe : Or gentle sort ; They be never : Doing amisse ; In weale and woe : Of like report ; They be ever : Be sure of this ; The Faeminine kind : Shall have my heart ; Nothing at all : False they will be ; In word and mind : To suffer smart ; And ever shall : Believe you me . 2 A goe That doth That 's rul'd by 1. whose sayes no : I 'le try ere trust ward left my Find slight regard . The a whilst I 2 Lovers That gazed me . There was nor nor loathsome That might disturb or break delight , Nor nor in that same road , And yet to me they seem'd affright . Then favour them I told , True love cannot be bold . These may be read two or three wayes . Your face Your tongue your wit so faire so smooth so sharp first drew then mov'd then knit mine eye mine eare my heart Mine eye Mine eare My heart thus drawn thus mov'd thus knit ●ffects hangs on yeelds to Your face Your tongue your wit These may be read backward or forward . Joy , Mirth , Triumphs , I doe defie , Destroy me Death ; fain would I dye : Forlorn am I , love is exil'd , Scorn smiles thereat ; hope is beguild : Men banish'd blisse , in woe must dwell , Then Joy , Mirth , Triumphs all farewell . maze TRUE love is a pretious pleasure , Rich delight unvalu'd treasure , Two firme Heartes in one ♡ meeting , Grasping hand in hand ne'r fleeting , Wreathlike like a maze entwineing Two faire mindes in one combineing ; Foe to faithless vowes perfidious True love is a knott religious , Dead to the sinnes that flameing rise Through beauties soule seduceing eyes , Deafe to gold enchaunting witches , Love for vertue not for riches ; Such is true loves boundles measure . True love is a pretious pleasure . Est aliis servire tenetur Iure qui sum servire necesse est Iure tibi me Te nulli cunctos aut are videris Qui cunctos hos laude aut fero cunctis . Thus Englished . - ling is bound to serve his Mris. hands An - you & bound to do your high cōmands I 'm None 's you you all are then I 'll praise you other men . A New years Gift . That our loves may never alter , Tye it fast with this strong Halter . The Answer . The Rope is old , the Jest is new , I 'll take the Jest , the Rope take you . A Gentleman to his Love. Tell her I love ; and if she ask how well ; Tell her my tongue told thee no tongue can tell . Her Answer . Say not you love , unlesse you do , For lying will not honour you . His Reply . Madam , I love , and love to doe , And will not lye , unless with you . To his Mistresse . A constant heart within a womans breast , Is Ophir gold within an Ivory Chest. Her answer . Of such a Treasure then thou art possest , For thou hast such a heart in such a Ghest . On Chloris walking in the Snow . I saw fair Chloris walk alone , When feather'd rain came softly down , Then Iove descended from his Tower , To court her in a silver shower : The wanton Snow flew to her brest , Like little birds into their nest ; But overcome with whitenes there For grief it thaw'd into a teare ; Then falling down her garment hem , To deck her , froze into a gem . Vpon Clarinda , begging a lock of her Lovers hair . Fairest Clarinda , she whom truth calls faire , Begg'd my heart of me , and a lock of haire ; Should I give both , said I , how should I live ? The lock I would , the heart I would not give : For that , left theeving love should steal away , Discretion had lock'd up , and kept the key ; As for the lock of hair which lovers use , My head laid on her knee , I pray'd her chuse , Taking her Sizars by a cunning art , First pick'd the lock , and then she stole my heart . maze A ✚ begins love's criss cross row . Love 's not wthout a cross or two . A duble ✚ begins this knot Love wthout crosses meritts not , This knot & love are both alike . Seeing first & last are both to seek Reaching , spreading , round about , All wayes turning in & out Still increasing still renewing Crossing meeting still continuing Winding this way that way bending Wthout beginning without ending True love's stirring still in action Allways tending to perfection No cross can stop true loves intent But it goes on to what it ment And though it meet w th many a one , True love makes a ✚ seeme non To those that never love but one Love of manys true loves bane And such shall be cross'd & cross'd againe who lives to love must learne to know A ✚ begins loves criss cross-row . A Loving Bargain . Give me a kisse , I 'll make that odde one even , Then treble that which you have given ; Be sure I 'l answer you , and if I misse , Then take a thousand forfeits for a kisse , And a thousand be too few , than take more : Kisse me with your kisses , make me poore : When I am begger'd some hope will remain , You will for pity give me some again . A Question . Between two Suiters sat a Lady faire , Upon her head a Garland she did wear : And of the enamoured two , the first alone , A Garland wore like hers , the second none ; From her own head she took the wreath she wore , And on him plac'd it that had none before . And then mark this , their brows were both about Beset with Garlands , and she sate without : Beholding now these Rivalls on each side Of her thus plac'd and deck'd with equall pride : She from the first mans head the wreath he had Took off , and therewith her own brow she clad . And then ( not this ) she and the second were With Garlands deck'd ; and the first man sate bare . Now which did she love best ? of him to whom She gave the wreath ? or him she took it from ? The Answer . In my conceit , she would him soonest have , From whom she took , not him to whom she gave . For to bestow , many respects may move : But to receive , none can perswade but love . Shee grac'd him much on whom the wreath shee plac'd ; But him whose wreath she wore , she much more grac'd . For where she gives , she there a servant makes , But makes her selfe a servant where she takes . Then where she takes , she honours most : & where She doth most honour , she most love doth bear . An incomparable kisse . Give me a Kisse from those sweet lips of thine , And make it double by enjoyning mine , Another yet , nay yet another , And let the first Kisse be the seconds brother . Give me a thousand kisses , and yet more ; And then repeat those that have gone before ; Let us begin while day-light springs in heav'n And kisse till night descends into the Ev'n , And when that modest Secretary , Night , Discolours all but thy heav'n-beaming bright , We will begin Revels of hidden love , In that sweet Orbe where silent pleasures move . In high , new strains , unspeakable delight , We 'll vent the dull houres of the silent night . Were the brigh● day no more to visit us , O then for ever would I hold thee thus ; Naked , inchain'd , empty of idle feare , As the first Lovers in the Garden were . I 'll dye betwixt thy breasts that are so whi●● , For , to dye there , would doe a man delight . Embrace me still , for time runs on before , And being dead we shall embrace no more . Let us kisse faster then the hours doe flye , Long live each kisse , and never know to dye . Yet if that fade , and fly away too fast , Impresse another , and renew the last ; Let us vie kisses , till our eye-lids cover , And if I sleep , count me an idle Lover , Admit I sleep , I 'll still pursue the Theam , And eagerly I 'l kisse thee in a dream . O give me way ; grant love to me thy friend , Did hundred thousand sui●ers all contend For thy Virginity , there 's none shall woe With heart so firm as mine ; none better do Then I with your sweet sweetnesse ; if you doubt , Pier●● with your eyes my heart , or pluck it out . To his Mistresse . Dearest , thy twin'd haires are not threds of gold , Nor thine eyes Diamonds ; nor doe I hold Thy lips for Rubies , nor thy cheeks to be Fresh Roses ; nor thy Dugs of Ivory ; The skin that doth thy dainty body sheath , Not ●lablaster is ; nor dost thou breath Arabian odours ; these the earth brings forth , Compar'd with thine , they would impair thy worth ; Such then are other mistresses ; but mine ▪ Hath nothing earth , but all divine . The Answer . If earth doth never change , nor move , There 's nought of earth sure in thy love ; Sith heavenly bodies with each one , Concur in generation ; And wanting gravity are light , Or in a borrowed lustre bright ; If meteors and each falling starre , Of heavenly matter framed are , Earth hath thy Mistresse , but sure thine All heavenly is , though not divine . To his Mistresse . I love , because it comes to me by kind ; And much , because it much delights my mind : And thee , because thou art within my heart : And thee alone , because of thy desert . I love , and much , and thee , and thee alone , By kind , mind , heart , and every one . Her answer . Thou lov'st not , because thou art unkind , Nor much , cause it delighteth not thy mind : Nor me , because I am not in thy heart : Nor me alone , because I want desert : Thou lov'st nor much , nor me , nor me alone , By kind , mind , heart , desert , nor any one . Clownish Courtship . Excellent Mistresse , brighter than the Moon , Then scoured Pewter , or the Silver-spoon , Fairer then Phaebus , or the morning starre ; Dainty faire Mistresse , by my troth you are As far excelling Dian and her Nymphs , As lobsters crawfish , and as crawfish shrimps : Thine eyes like Diamonds , doe shine most clearly , As I 'm an honest Man , I love thee dearly . A Comparison . Like to the selfe-inhabiting snaile , Or like a Squirrell pent-hous'd under his taile , Even such is my Mistresse face in a vaile : Or like to a Carp that 's lost in mudding , Nay , more like to a black-pudding : For as the pudding , the skin lies within , So doth my Mistresse beauty in a taffity gin . A Question . Tell me ( Sweet-heart ) how spell'st thou Ione , Tell me but that , 't is all I crave ; I shall not need to be alone , If such a lovely mate I have ; That thou art one , who can deny ? And all will grant that I am I , If I be I , and thou art one , Tell me ( Sweet-heart ) how spell'st thou Ione . The Answer . I tell you Sir , and tell you true , That I am I , and I am one , So can I spell Ione without you , And spelling so , can lye alone : My eye to one is consonant , But as for yours it is not so ; If that your eye agreement want , I to your eye must answer no ; Therefore leave off your loving plea , And let your I be I per se. Loves prime . Dear Love , doe not your fair beauty wrong With thinking still you are too young , The Rose and Lilly in your cheek Doe flourish , and no ripening seek : Those flaming beams shot from your eye , Doe show Loves Midsumer is nigh . Your cherry-lip , red , soft and sweet , Proclaim such fruit for tast is meet : Then lose no time , for love hath wings , And flies away from aged things . Another to his Mistresse . When first I saw thee , thou didst sweetly play The gentle thief , and stol'st my heart away ; Render me mine again , or leave thy owne , Two are too much for thee , since I have none : But if thou wilt not , I will swear thou art A sweet-fac'd creature with a double heart . Another . Sweetest fair be not too cruell , Blot not beauty with disdain , Let not those bright eyes adde fewell To a burning heart in vain ; Lest men justly when I dye , Deem you the Candle , me the Flye . Another . I cannot pray you in a studyed stile , Nor speak words distant from my heart a mile ; I cannot visit Hide-Park every day , And with a Hackney court my time away ; I cannot spaniolize it week by week , Or wait a month to kisse your hand or cheek ; If when you 'r lov'd , you cannot love again , Why , doe but say so , I am out of pain . Excuse for absence . You 'll ask perhaps wherefore I stay , ( Loving so much , ) so long away ? I doe not think 't was I did part , It was my body , not my heart : For like a Compasse in your love , One foot was fixt , and cannot move ; Th' other may follow the blind guide Of giddy fortune , but cannot slide Beyond your service ; nor will venter To wander far from you the Center . To a faire , but unkind Mistresse . I prethee turn that face away , Whose splendor bu● benight● my day ; Sad eyes like mine , and wounded hearts , Shun the bright rayes that beauty darts ; Unwelcome is the Sun tha● prie● Into those shades where sorrow lyes . Goe shine on happy things , to me The blessing is a misery ; For your bright Sun , not warms , but burns ; Like that the Indian sooty turnes . I 'l serve the night , and there confin'd , Wish thee lesse fair ; or else more kind . To himselfe . Retreat sad heart , breed not thy further pain ; Admire , but fonder thoughts seek to refrain . To some Ladies . Ladies , you that seem so nice , And in show as cold as ice , And perhaps have held out thrice , Doe not think , but in a trice , One or other may entice ; And at last by some device , Set your honour at a price . You whose smooth and dainty skin , Rosie lips , or cheeks , or chin , All that gaze upon you win , Yet insult not , sparks within Slowly burn e'r flames begin , And presumption still hath bin Held a most notorious sin . A Heart lost . Good folk , for love or hire , But help me to a Cryer , For my poor heart is gone astray After two eyes that went that way . O yes ! if there be any man In Town or Country , can Bring me my heart again , I 'll pay him for his pain . And by these marks I will you show , That onely I this heart doe ow : It is a wounded heart , Wherein yet flick● the dart , Every part sore hurt throughout : Faith and troth writ round about . It is a tame heart and a deare , That never us'd to roame , But having got a haunt , I feare Will never stay at home , For love-sake walking by this way , If you this heart doe see ; Either impound it for a stray , Or send it home to me . The sad Lover . Why should I wrong my judgement so , As for to love where I doe know There is no hold for to be taken ? For what her wish thirsts after most , If once of it her heart can boast , Straight by her folly 't is forsaken . Thus whilst I still pursue in vaine , Me thinks I turn a child again , And of my shadow am a chasing . For all her favours are to me Like appari●ions which I see , But never can come near th'●bracing . Oft had I wish'd that there had been Some Almanack whereby to have seen When love with her had been in season . But I perceive there is no art Can find the Epact of the heart , That loves by chance , and not by reason . Yet will I not for this despaire , For time her humor may prepare To grace him who is now neglected . And what unto my constancy Shee now denies : one day may be From her instancy expected . A Watch sent to a Gentlewoman . Goe and count her happy hours , They more happy are than ours : That day that gets her any blisse , Make it twice as long as 't is : The houre she smiles in , let it be By thine art increas'd to thee : But if she frown on thee or mee , Know night is made , by her , not thee : Be swif● in such an hour , and soon Make it night , though it be noon : Obey her time , who is the free , Fair Sun that governs thee and me . On a Fairing . Let them whose hear● distrusts a Mistresse faith , Bribe it with gifts : mine no suspition hath : It were a sin of as much staine in me , To think you false , as so my selfe to be . If to reward that thou hast exprest , Thou dost expect a present : 't is confest 'T were justice from another , but I am So poor ; I have not left my self a name In substance ; not made thine by gift before : He that bestowes his heart , can give no more If thou wouldst have a fairing from me , then Give me my self back , I 'll give it thee agen . Posies for Rings . Wee are agreed In time to speed . I trust in time Thou wilt be mine . In thy breast My heart doth rest . This and the giver Are thine for ever . T is love alone Makes two but one . Loves knot once tyde Who can divide ? Where hearts agree No strife can be . God above Increase our love . Though time doe slide , Yet in true love abide . Nought so sweet , As when we greet . Thy affection , My perfection . With a to Julia. Iulia , I bring To thee this Ring , Made for thy finger fit ; To shew by this , That our love is Or sho'd be , like to it . Close though it be , Thy joynt is free : So when lov's yoke is on It must not gall , Or fret at all With hard oppression . But it must play Still either way ; And be , too , such a yoke , As not too wide , To over-slide ; Or be so strait to choak . So we , who beare , This beam , must reare Our selves to such a height : As that the stay Of either may Create the burden light . And as this round Is no where found To flaw or else to sever : So let our love As endlesse prove ; And pure as Gold for ever . True beauty . May I finde a woman faire , And her mind as clear as air ; If her beauty gone alone , 'T is to me , as if 't were none . May I find a woman rich , And not of too high a pitch : If that pride should cause disdain , Tell me , Lover , where 's thy gain ? May I find a woman wise , And her falshood not disguise ; Hath she wit , as she hath will ? Double arm'd she is to ill . May I find a woman kind , And not wavering like the wind ▪ How should I call that love mine , When 't is his , and his , and thine ? May I find a woman true , There is beauties fairest hue ; There is beauty , love and wit , Happy he can compasse it . Choyce of a Mistresse . Not that I wish my Mistris More or lesse than what she is , Write I these lines , for 't is too late Rules to prescribe unto my fate . But yet a● tender stomach● call For some choyce mea● , that bears not all ▪ A queazie lover may impart , What Mistresse 't is that please his heart . First I would have her richly spred , With natures blossomes white and red ; For flaming hearts will quickly dye , That have not fewell from the eye . 〈◊〉 this alone will never win , Except some treasure lies within ; For where the spoile's not worth the stay , Men raise their siege and goe away . I 'd have her wise enough to know When , and to whom a grace to show : For she that doth at randome chuse , She will , as soon her choyce refuse . And yet methinks I 'd have her mind To flowing courtesie inclin'd : And tender hearted as a maid , Yet pity onely when I pray'd . And I would wish her true to be , ( Mistake me not ) I mean to me ; She that loves me , and loves one more , Will love the Kingdome o'r and o'r . And I could wish her full of wit , Knew she how to huswife it : But she whose wisdome makes her dare To try her wit , will sell more ware . Some other things , delight will bring , As if she dances , play , and sing . So they be safe , what though her parts Catch ten thousand forain hearts . But let me see , should she be proud ; A little pride should be allow'd . Each amorous boy will sport and prate Too freely , where he finds not state . I care not much though she let down Sometime a chiding , or a frown . But if she wholly quench desire , 'T is hard to kindle a new fire . To smile , to toy , is not amisse , Sometimes to interpose a kisse ; But not to cloy ; sweet things are good , Pleasant for sawce , but not for food . Wishes to his supposed Mistresse . Who e'r she be , That is the onely she , That shall command my heart and me . Might you hear my wishes Bespeak her to my blisses , And be call'd my absent kisses . I wish her beauty , That owes not all his duty To gawdy tire , or some such folly . A face that 's best By its own beauty drest ; And can alone command the rest . Smiles , that can warme The blood , yet teach a charme That chastity shall take no harme . Joyes that confesse Vertue her Mistresse , And have no other head to dresse . Dayes , that in spight Of darknesse , by the light Of a clear mind , are day all Night . Life that dares send A challenge to his end , And when it 's come , say , Welcome friend . Soft silken Howers , Open Sunnes ; shady Bowers , Bove all ; Nothing within that lowers . I wish her store Of wealth may leave her poore Of wishes ; and I wish no more . Now if time knowes , That her whose radiant browes , Weave them a Garlant of my vowes . Her that dare bee , What these lines wish to see , I seek no further , it is shee . Such worth as this is , Shall fix my flying wishes And determine them to kisses . Let her full glory , ( My fancies ) fly before ye , Be ye my fiction , but her my story . To a Lady . Madam , Should I not smother this ambitious fire , Which actuates my verse : it would aspire To blear your vertues , in a glimm'ring line ; And your perfections in its measures twine . But I have check'd my fancie Muse , nor dare● Dull Poetry attempt to scan the spheares ; Or in a cloudy rime invaile the light , Or court the trembling Watchmen of the night ; Some vulgar vertue , or a single blaze , Might stand in Verse ; and would endure a gaze : But when both Art , and Nature , shall agree To summe them all in one Epitome : When the perfections of both sexes , are Lock'd in one female store-house ; who shall dare In an audacious rapture , to untwine Into loose numbers , what Heaven doth enshrine , In one rich breast ? Dazled invention say , Canst thou embowell either India , In one poor rime ? Or can thy torch-light fire , Shew us the Sun ; or any Star that 's higher ? If thou wilt needs spend thy officious flame , Doe it in admiration : but disclaime Thy power to praise : thy senders wishes , bear , And be the Herauld of the new-born year : Wish that each rising Sun , may see her more Happy , then when he rose the morn before ; And may , when e'r he gilds the envious West , Leave her more blest , then when he grac'd the feast ; Wish higher yet , that her felicity May equalize her vertues : Poetry Thou art too low ; canst thou not swell a strain May reach my thoughts : good Madam since 't is vain , ( And yet my verse to kisse your hand presum'd ) Let it to be your sacrifice be doom'd : And what it wants in true Poetique fire , Let the flame adde , till so my Muse expire . An Eccho . Come Eccho I thee summon , Tell me truly what is Woman ? If worn , she is a feather , If woo'd she's frosty weather ; If worn , the wind not slighter : If weigh'd , the Moons not lighter : If lain withall , she 's apish : If not laine with , she 's snappish . Come Eccho I thee summon , Tell me once more what is woman ? If faire , she 's coy in courting , If witty , loose in sporting , If ready , she 's but cloathing , If naked , she 's just nothing , If not belov'd , she horns thee ; If lov'd too well , she scorns thee . The Eccho still replyed , But still me thought she lyed . Then for my Mistresse sake , I againe reply did make . If worn , she is a Jewell , If woo'd , she is not cruell , If won , no Rock is surer , If weigh'd , no gold is purer , If laine withall , delicious ; If not , yet no way vitious . False Eccho goe , you lye , See your errours I descry . And for the second summon I This for woman doe reply . If faire , she 's heavenly treasure , If witty , she 's all pleasure , If ready , she is quaintest , If not ready , she 's daintiest , If lov'd , her heart she spares not , If not belov'd , she cares not . False Eccho , goe you lye , See , your errours I descry . Icar . Oh you doe my hearing wrong , I have turn'd my eyes thus long To be captiv'd by your tongue . Phil. Then my houres are happy spent , If my tongue give such content , It shall be thy Instrument . Icar . But be sure you use it then , Thus unto no other men , Lest that I grow deaf agen . Fidelius and his silent Mris. Flora. Fid. My dearest Flora can you love me ? Flo. Prethee prove me . Fid. Shall I have your hand to kisse ? Flo. Yes , yes . Fid. On this whitenesse let me sweare , Flo. No , pray forbeare . Fid. I love you dearer then mine eyes . Flo. Be wise . Fid. I prize no happinesse like you . Flo. Will you be true ? Fid. As i● the Turtle to her Mate . Flo. I hate . Fid. Who my divinest Flora , me ? Flo. No flattery . Fid. He that flatters , may he dye . Flo. Perpetually . Fid. And his black urne be the cell , Flo. Where Furies dwell . Fid. May his name be blasphemous , Flo. To us . Fid. His memory for ever rot ; Flo. And be forgot . Fid. Lest it keep our age and youth , Flo. From love and truth . Fid. Thus upon your Virgin hand , Flo. Your vows shall stand . Fid. This kisse confirmes my act and deed . Flo. You may exceed . Fid. Your hand , your lip , I 'll vow on both ; Flo. A dangerous Oath . Fid. My resolution ne'r shall start ; Flo. You have my heart . Fears and Resolves of two Lovers . A. What wouldst thou wish ? tell me dear lover , I. How I might but thy thoughts discover . A. If my firme love I were denying , Tell me , with sighes wouldst thou be dying ? I. Those words in jest to hear thee speaking , For very grief , this heart is breaking . A. Yet wouldst thou change ? I prethee tell me , In seeing one that doth excell me ? I. O no , for how can I aspire , To more then to my own desire ? This my mishap doth chiefly grieve me ; Though I doe swear'● , you 'l not believe me . A. Imagine that thou dost not love me ; But some beauty that 's above me . I. To such a thing Sweet doe not will me ; The naming of the same will kill me . A. Forgive me faire one , Love hath feares : I. I doe forgive , witnesse these teares . A Sonnet . Who can define , this all things , nothing love , Which hath so much of every thing in it ? Which watry , with the Planets oft doth move , And with the Zoane it hath a fiery fit ; Oft seizes men , like massy stupid earth , And with the Aire , it filleth every place ; Which had no Midwife , nor I think no birth , No shrine , no arrows , but a womans face . A God he is not , for he is unjust ; A Boy he is not , for he hath more power ; A Faction 't is not , all will yeeld I trust ; What is it then , that is so sweetly sower ? No law so wise , that can his absence prove ? But ( ah ) I know there is a thing call'd Love. A Love-sick-sonnet . Love is a Sicknesse full of woes , All remedies refusing : A plant that with most cutting grows , Most barren with best using . Why so ? More we enjoy it , more it dies , If not enjoy'd , it sighing cries Hey ho ! Love is a torment of the minde , A tempest everlasting ; And Iove hath made it of a kinde , Not well , nor full nor fasting . Why so ? More we enjoy it , more it dies , If not enjoy'd , it sighing cryes Hey ho ! A Question . Fain would I learn of men the reason why They swear they dye for love , yet lowly ly ? Or why they fondly dote on , and admire A painted face , or a fantastick tyre . For while such Idols they fall down before , They prove more fools then those they thus adore . Answer . The reason why men loving lowly ly ; Is hope to gaine their purposes therby . And that they fondly dote on paint and tires ; 'T is just in love , to shew mens fond desires . And for the rest , this have I heard from Schools That love , makes foolish wise , & wise men fools . Sighs . All night I muse , all day I cry , ay me . Yet still I wish , tho still deny . ay me . I sigh , I mourn , and say that still , I onely live my joyes to kill . ay me . I feed the pain that on me feeds , ay me . My wound I stop not , though it bleeds ; ay me . Heart be content , it must be so , For springs were made to overflow . ay me . Then sigh and weep , and mourn thy fill , ay me . Seek no redresse , but languish still . ay me . Their griefs more willing they endure , That know when they are past recure . ay me . To Celia weeping . Fairest , when thine eyes did poure A chrystall shower ; I was perswaded , that some stone Had liquid grown ; And thus amazed ; sure thought I When stones are moist , some rain is nigh . Why weep'st thou ? cause thou cannot be More hard to me ? So Lionesses pitty , so Doe Tygres too : So doth that Bird , which when she 's fed On all the man , pines or'e the Head. Yet I 'le make better omens till Event beguile ; Those pearly drops , in time shall be A precious Sea ; And thou shalt like thy Corall prove , Soft under water , hard above . An Hymne to Love. I will confesse With cheerfullnesse , Love is a thing so likes me , That let her lay On me all day , I 'le kisse the hand that strikes me . I will not , I , Now blubb'ring cry , It ( ah ! ) too late repents me , That I did fall To love at all , Since love so much contents me . No , no , I 'le be In fetters free ; While others they sit wringing Their hands for paine ; I 'le entertaine The wounds of love with singing . With flowers and wine And Cakes divine , To strike me I will tempt thee : Which done ; no more I le come before Thee and thine Altars empty . Loves Discoverys . With much of paine , and all the Art I knew , Have I endeavor'd hitherto To hide my love ; and yet all will not doe . The world perceives it , and it may be , she ; Though so discreet and good she be , By hiding it , to teach that skill to me . Men without love have oft so cunning growne , That something like it they have showne , But none that had it ever seem'd t' have none . Love 's of a strangely open , simple kind , Can no arts or disguises find , But thinks none sees it cause it self is blind . The very eye betrayes our inward smart ; Love of himselfe left there a part , When through it he past into the heart . Or if by chance the face betray not it , But keep the secret wisely , yet , Like drunkennesse into the tongue 't will get . Heart-breaking . It gave a piteous groan , and so it broke ; In vaine it something would have spoke : The love within too strong for't was Like poyson put into a Venice Glasse . I thought that this some Remedy might prove , But , oh , the mighty Serpent Love , Cut by this chance in pieces small , In all still liv'd , and still it slung in all . And now ( alas ) each little broken part Feels the whole pain of all my heart : And every smallest corner still Lives with that torment which the whole did kill . Even so rude Armies when the field they quit , And into severall Quarters get ; Each Troop does spoyle and ruine more Then all joyn'd in one body did before . How many loves reigne in my bosome now ? How many loves , yet all of you ? Thus have I chang'd with evill fate My Monarch Love into a Tyrant State. A Tear sent his Mistresse . Glide gentle streams , and bear Along with you my tear To that coy Girle ; Who smiles , yet slayes Me with delayes ; And strings my tears as Pearle . See! see she 's yonder set , Making a Carkanet Of mayden-flowers ! There , there present This Orient , And pendant Pearl of ours . Then say , I 've sent one more Jem , to enrich her store ; And that is all Which I can send , Or vainly spend , For tears no more will fall . Nor will I seek supply Of them , the springs once dry ; But I 'le devise , ( Among the rest ) A way that 's best How I may save mine eyes . Yet say , sho'd she condemn Me to surrender them ; Then say ; my part Must be to weep Out them ; to keep A poor , yet loving heart . Say too , she wo'd have this ; She shall : Then my hope is , That when I 'm poore , And nothing have To send , or save ; I 'm sure she 'll ask no more . A Song . To thy lover Deer , discover That sweet blush of thine tha● shameth ( When those Roses It discloses ) All the flowers that Nature nameth In free Ayre , Flow thy Haire ; That no more Summers best dresses , Be beholden For their Golden Locks to Phaebus flaming Tresses . O deliver Love his Quiver , From thy Eyes he shoots his Arrowes , Where Apollo Cannot follow : Feathered with his Mothers Sparrows . O envy not ( That we dye not ) Those deer lips whose door encloses All the Graces In their place● , Brother Pearles , and sister Roses . From these treasures Of ripe pleasures One bright smile to clear the weather . Earth and Heaven Thus made even , Both will be good friends together . The aire does wooe thee , Winds cling to thee , Might a word once flye from out thee ; Storm and thunder Would fit under , And keep silence round about thee . But if natures Common Creatures , So deer glories dare not borrow ; Yet thy beauty Owes a duty , To my loving lingring sorrow . When my dying Life is flying ; Those sweet Aires that often slew me ; Shall revive me , Or reprive me , And to many deaths renew me . The Cruell Maid . And cruell maid , because I see You scornfull of my love , and me : I le trouble you no more ; but goe My way , where you shall never know What is become of me : there I Will find me out a path to dye ; Or learn some way how to forget You , and your name , for ever : yet Ere I goe hence , know this from me , What will , in time , your fortune be : This to your coynesse I will tell ; And having spoke it once , Farewell . The Lilly will not long endure ; Nor the Snow continue pure : The Rose , the Violet , one day See , both these Lady-flowers decay : And you must fade , as well as they . And it may chance that love may turn , And ( like to mine ) make your heart burn . And weep to see 't ; yet this thing doe , That my last vow commends to you : When you shall see that I am dead , For pitty let a tear be shed ; And ( with your Mantle o're me cast ) Give my cold lips a kisse at last : If twice you kisse , you need not feare , That I shall stir , or live more here . Next hollow out a Tomb to cover Me ; me , the most despised Lover ; And write thereon , This , Reader , know , Love kill'd this man. No more but so . Silence . No ; to what purpose should I speak ? No , wretched Heart , swell till you break ! She cannot love me if she would ; And to say truth , 't were pity that she should . No , to the Grave thy sorrows beare , As silent as they will be there : Since that lov'd hand this mortall wound doth give , So handsomely the thing contrive , That she may guiltlesse of it live . So perish , that her killing thee May a chance Medley , and no murther be . 'T is nobler much for me , that I By ' her beauty , not her Anger dye ; This will look justly , and become An Execution , that a Martyrdome . The censuring world will ne're refrain From judging men by thunder slain . She must be angry sure , if I should be So bold to ask her to make me By being hers , happier then she ; I will not ; 't is a milder fate To fall by her not loving , then her hate . And yet this death of mine , I fear , Will ominous to her appear ▪ When , sound in every other part , Her sacrifice is found without an Heart ; For the last tempest of my death Shall sigh out that too , with my breath . His Misery . Water , water I aspie : Come , and coole ye ; all who fry In your loves ; but none as I. Though a thousand showers be Still a falling , ye● I see Not one drop to light on me . Happy you , who can have seas For to quench ye , or some ease From your kinder Mistresses . I have one , and she alone Of a thousand thousand known , Dead to all compassion . Such an one , as will repeat Both the cause , and make the heat More by provocation great . Gentle friends , though I despaire Of my cure , doe you beware Of those Girles , which cruell are . The Call. Marina , stay , And run not thus like a young Roe away , No Enemy Pursues thee ( foolish Girle ) 't is onely I , I le keep off harmes , If thou 'l be pleas'd to garrison mine arms ; What dost thou feare I le turn a Traytour ? may these Roses here To palenesse shred , And Lillies stand disguised in new red , If that I lay A snare , wherein thou wouldst not gladly stay ; See , see the Sun Doth slowly to his azure lodging run ; Come sit but here , And presently hee 'l quit our Hemisphere ; So still among Lovers , time is too short or else too long ; Here will we spin Legends for them , that have love Martyrs been ; Here on this plaine Wee 'l talke Narcissus to a flower again ; Come here and chose On which of these proud plate thou wouldst Here mayst thou shame The rusty Violets , with the Crimson flame , Of either cheek ; And Primroses white as thy fingers seek ; Nay , thou mayst prove That mans most noble passion , is to love . A Check to her delay . Come come away , Or let me goe ; Must I here stay , Because y' are slow ; And will continue so ? Troth Lady , no. I scorne to be A slave to state : And since I 'm free I will not wait , Henceforth at such a rate , For needy fate . If you desire My spark sho'd glow , The peeping fire You must blow ; Or I shall quickly grow To frost or snow . The L●re . Farewell , nay prethee turn again , Rather then loose thee , I le arraign My self before thee ; thou ( most faire ) shall be Thy self the Judge ; I le never grudge A law , ordain'd by thee . Pray doe but see , how every Rose A sanguine visage doth disclose , O see , what Aromatick gusts they breath ; Come here we 'le sit , And learn to knit , Them up into a wreath . With that wreath , crowned shalt thou be ; Not grac't by it , but it thee ; Then shall the fawning Zephir● wait to hear What thou shalt say , And softly play , While Newes to me they bear . Come prethee come , wee 'l now assay To piece the scantnesse of the day ; Wee 'l pluck the wheel● from th'charry of the Sun ▪ That he , may give Us time to live ; Till that our Scene be done . Wee 'l suffer viperous thoughts , and cares , To follow after silver haires ; Let 's not anticipate them long before ; When they begin , To enter in , Each minute they 'l grow more . No , no , Marina , see this brook How't would its posting course revoke , Ere it shall in the Ocean mingled lie , And what I pray , May cause this stay ; But to attest our joy ? Far be 't from lust ; such wild fire , ne're Shall dare to lurk or kindle here ; Diviner flames shall in our fancies roule , Which not depresse To earthlinesse , But elevate the soule . Then shall a grandiz'd love , confesse , That soules can mingle substances ; That hearts can easily counter-changed be , Or at the least , Can alter breasts , When breasts themselves agree . To Iulia. 'T is Ev'ning my sweet , And dark ; let us meet ; Long time w'have here been a toying : And never as yet , That season co'd get , Wherein t' have had an enjoying . For pitty or shame , Then let not loves flame , Be ever and ever a spending ; Since now to the Port The path is but short ; And yet our way has no ending . Time flyes away fast ; Our howers doe wast ; The while we never remember , How soon our life , here , Grows old with the yeere , That dyes with the next December . Of Beauty . What doe I hate , what 's Beauty ? lasse How doth it passe ? As flowers , assoon as smelled at Evaporate , Even so this shadow , ere our eyes Can view it , flies . What 's colour ? 'las the sullen Night Can it affright ; A Rose can more Vermilion speak , Then any cheek ; A richer white on Lillies stands , Then any hands . Then what 's the worth , when any flower Is worth far more ? How constant's that which needs must dye When day doth flye ? Glow-worms , can lend some petty light , To gloomy night . And what 's proportion ? we discry That in a fly ; And what 's a lip ? 't is in the test Red clay at best . And what 's an Eye ? an Eglets are More strong by farre . Who can that specious nothing heed , Which flies exceed ? Who would his frequent kisses lay On painted clay ? Wh'would not if eyes affection move Young Egle●s love ? Is beauty thus ? then who would lye Love-sick and dye ? And 's wretched selfe annihilate For knows not what ? And with such sweat and care invade A very shade ? Even he that knows not to possesse True happinesse , But has some strong desires to try What 's misery , And longs for tears , oh he will prove One fit for love . Farewell to Love. Well-shadow'd Landship , fare-ye-well : How I have lov'd you , none can tell , At least so well As he , that now hates more Then e're he lov'd before . But my dear nothings , take your leave , No longer must you me deceive , Since I perceive All the deceit , and know Whence the mistake did grow . As he whose quicker eye doth trace A false star shot to a Market place , Do's run apace , And thinking it to catch , A Gelly up do's snatch . So our dull souls tasting delight Far off , by sence , and appetite , Think that is right And reall good ; when yet 'T is but the counterfeit . Oh! how I glory now ; that I Have made this new discovery ? Each wanton eye Enflam'd before : no more Will I increase that score . If I gaze , now , 't is but to see What manner of deaths-head 't will be , When it is free From that fresh upper-skin , The gazers joy and sin . A quick Coarse me-thinks I spy In ev'ry woman ▪ and mine eye , At passing by , Check , and is troubled , just As if it rose from Dust. They mortifie , not heighen me : These of my sins the Glasses be : And here I see , How I have lov'd before , And so I love no more . To a proud Lady . Is it birth puffs up thy mind ? Women best born are best inclin'd . Is it thy breeding ? No , I ly'de ; Women well bred are foes to pride . Is it thy beauty , foolish thing ? Lay by thy cloths , there 's no such thing ? Is it thy vertue ? that 's deny'd , Vertue 's an opposite to pride . Nay , then walk on , I 'll say no more , Who made thee proud , can make thee poore . The Devill onely hath the skill To draw fair fools to this foule ill . On Women . Find me an end out in a Ring , Turn a stream backwards to its spring , Recover minutes past and gone , Undoe what is already done , Make Heaven stand still , make mountaines fly , And teach a woman constancy . An Apologetique Song . Men , if you love us , play no more The fools , or Tyrants , with your friends , To make us still sing o're and o're , Our own false praises , for your ends . We have both wits and fancies too , And if we must , let 's sing of you . Nor doe we doubt , but that we can , If we would search with care and pain , Find some one good , in some one man ; So going thorough all your strain , Wee shall at last of parcells make One good enough for a Song sake . And as a cunning Painter take● In any curious piece you see , More pleasure while the thing he makes , Then when 't is made ; why , so will we . And having pleas'd our art , wee 'll try To make a new , and hang that by Canto . Like to a Ring without a Finger , Or a Bell without a Ringer ; Like a Horse was never ridden , Or a Feast and no Guest bidden , Like a Well without a Bucket , Or a Rose if no man pluck it : Just such as these may she be said , That lives , not loves , but dies a maid . The Ring if worn , the Finger decks , The Bell pull'd by the Ringer speaks , The Horse doth ease , if he be ridden , The Feast doth please , if Guest be bidden , The Bucket draws the water●forth , The Rose when pluck'd , is still most worth : Such is the Virgin in my eyes , That lives , loves , marries , ere she dies . Like a Stock not graffed on , Or like a Lute not playd upon , Like a Jack without a weight , Or a Bark without a fraight , Like a Lock without a Key , Or a Candle in the day : Just such as these may she be said , That lives , not loves , but dies a maid . The graffed Stock doth bear best fruite , There 's Musick in the finger'd Lute , The weight doth make the Jack goe ready , The fraight doth make the Bark goe steady , The Key the Lock doth open right , A Candle 's usefull in the night : Such is the Virgin in my eyes , That lives , loves , marries , ere she dyes . Like a Call without a Non-sir , Or a Question without an Answer , Like a Ship was never rigg'd , Or a Mine was never digg'd ; Like a Cage without a Bird , Or a thing not long preferr'd . Just such as these may she be said , That lives , not loves , but dies a maid . The Non-sir doth obey the Call , The Question Answer'd pleaseth all , Who rigs a Ship sailes with the wind , Who digs a Mine doth treasure find , The Wound by wholsome Tent hath ease , The Box perfum'd the senses please : Such is the Virgin in my eyes , That lives , loves , marries ere she dies . Like Marrow-bone was never broken , Or Commendation and no Token , Like a Fort and none to win it , Or like the Moon , and no man in it ; Like a School without a Teacher , Or like a Pulpit and no Preacher . Just such as these may she be said , That lives , ne'r loves , but dies a maid . The broken Marrow-bone is sweet , The Token doth adorn the greet , There 's triumph in the Fort being won , The Man rides glorious in the Moon ; The School is by the Teacher still'd , The Pulpit by the Preacher fill'd . Such is the Virgin in mine eyes , That lives , loves , marries , ere she dies . Like a Cage without a Bird , Or a thing too long deferr'd : Like the Gold was never try'd , Or the ground unoccupi'd ; Like a house that 's not possessed Or the Book was never pressed . Just such as these may she be said , That lives , ne'r loves , but dies a maid . The Bird in Cage doth sweetly sing , Due season prefers every thing , The Gold that 's try'd from drosse is pur'd , There 's profit in the Ground manur'd , The House is by possession graced ; The Book when prest , is then embraced . Such is the Virgin in mine eyes , That lives , loves , marries , ere she dies . A Disswasive from Women . Come away , doe not pursue A shadow that will follow you . Women lighter then a feather , Got and lost and altogethar : Such a creature may be thought , Void of reason , a thing of nought . 2. Come away , let not thine eyes Gaze upon their fopperies , Nor thy better Genius dwell Upon a subject known so well : For whose folly at the first Man and beast became accurst . 3. Come away , thou canst not find , One of all that 's faire and kind , Brighter be she then the day , Sweeter then a morne in May ; Yet her heart and tongue agrees As we and the Antipodes . 4. Come away , or if thou must Stay a while : yet doe not trust , Nor her sighs , nor what she swears . Say she weep , suspect her tears . Though she seem to melt with passion , 'T is old deceipt , but in new fashion . 5. Come away , admit there be A naturall necessity ; Doe not make thy selfe a slave For that which she desires to have . What she will , or doe , or say , Is meant the clean contrary way . 6. Come away , or if to part Soon from her , affects thy heart , Follow on thy sports a while , Laugh and kisse , and play a while : Yet as thou lov'st me , trust her not , Left thou becom'st a — I know not wh●● . An Answer to it . Stay , O stay , and still pursue , Bid not such happinesse adue , Know'st thou what a woman is ? An Image of Celestiall bliss . Such a one is thought to be The nearest to Divinity . 2. Stay , O stay , how can thine eye Feed on more felicity ? Or thy better Genius dwell On subjects that doe this excell ? Had it not been for her at first ; Man and beast had liv'd accurst . 3. Stay , O stay , has not there been O● Beauty , and of Love a Q●een ? Does not sweetnesse term a she Worthy its onely shrine to thee ? And where will vertue chuse to ly , If not in such a Treasury ? 4. Stay , O stay , wouldst thou live free ? Then seek a Nuptiall destiny : 'T is not natures blisse alone , ( She gives ) but Heavens , and that in one ; What she shall , or doe , or say , Never from truth shall goe astray . 5. Stay , O stay , let not thine heart Afflicted be , unlesse to part Soon from her . Sport , kisse and play Whilst no howers enrich the day : And if thou dost a Cuckold prove , Impute it to thy want of love . The Postscript . Good Women are like Stars in darkest night , Their vertuous actions shining as a light To guide their ignorant sex , which oft times ●all ▪ And falling oft , turns Diabolicall . Good Women sure are Angels on the earth , Of these good Angels we have had a dearth : And therefore all you men that have good wives , Respect their Vertues equall with your lives . The Description of Women . Whose head befringed with b●-scattered ●resse● ▪ Shew● like Apoll●es , when the morn he dresse● : Or like Aurora when with Pearle she sets , Her long discheveld Rose-crown'd Trammelets : Her forehead smooth , full , polish'd , bright and high , Bears in it selfe a gracefull Majesty ; Under the which , two crawling eye-brows twine Like to the tendrills of a flatt'ring Vine : Under whose shade , two starry sparkling eyes Are beautifi'd with faire fring'd Canopies . Her comely nose with uniformall grace , Like purest white , stands in the middle place , Parting the paire , as we may well suppose , Each cheek resembling still a damask Rose ; Which like a Garden manifestly shown , How Roses , Lillies , and Carnations grown ; Which sweetly mixed both with white and red , Like Rose-leaves , white and red , seem mingled . Then nature for a sweet allurement sets Two smelling , swelling , bashfull Cherry-lets ; The which with Ruby-rednesse being tip'd , Doe speak a Virgin merry , Cherry●lip'd . Over the which a 〈◊〉 sweet skin is drawne , Which makes them shew like Roses under Lawne . These be the Ruby-portalls and divine , Which ope themselves , to shew an holy shrine , Whose breach is rich perfume , that to the sense Smells like the burn'd Sabean Frankincense ; In which the tongue , though 〈…〉 member sm●ll Stande guarded with a Rosie-hilly-wall . And her white teeth , which in the gums are set , Like Pearle and Gold , make one rich Cabinet : Next doth her chin , with dimpled beauty 〈◊〉 For his white , plump , and smoth prerogative . At whose faire top , to please the sight the●e grow● The fairest image of a blushing rose ; Mov'd by the chin , whose motion causeth this , That both her lips doe part , doe meet , doe 〈◊〉 Her ears , which like two Labyrinths are pla●●d On either side , with which rare Jewels grac'd : Moving a qu●st●on whether that by them The Jem is grac'd , or they grac'd by the Jem . But the foundation of the Architect , Is the Swan-staining , faire , rare stately ●eck , Which with ambitious humblenesse stands under , Bearing aloft this rich round world of wonder . Her breast a place for beauties throne most fit , Bears up two Globes , where love and pleasure sit ; Which headed with two rich round Rubies , show Like wanton Rose-buds growing out of Snow , And in the milky valley that 's between , Sits Cupid kissing of his mother Queen . Then comes the belly , seated next below , Like a faire mountain in Riphean snow : Where Nature in a whitenesse without spot , Hath in the middle tide a Gordian knot . Now love invites me to survey her thighes , Swelling in likenesse like two Crystall 〈◊〉 ; Which to the knees by nature fastned on , Derive their e●er well 'greed motion . Her legs with two clear Calves , like silver try'd , Kindly swell up with little pretty pride ; Leaving a distance for the comely small To beautifie the leg and foot withall . Then lowly , yet most lovely stand the feet , Round , short and cleer , like pounded Spices sweet ; And whatsoever thing they tread upon , They make it sent like bruised Cynamon . The lovely shoulders now allure the eye , To see two Tablets of pure Ivory : From which two arms like branches seem to spread With tender vein'd , and silver coloured , With little hands , and fingers long and small , To grace a Lute , a Viall , Virginall . In length each finger doth his next excell , Each richly headed with a pearly shell . Thus every part in contrariety Meet in the whole , and make an harmony : As divers strings doe singly disagree , But form'd by number make sweet melodie . Her supposed servant , described . I would have him if I could , Noble ; or of greater Blood : Titles , I confesse , doe take me ; And a woman God did make me , French to boo● , at least in fashion , And his manners of that Nation . Young I 'd have him to , and faire , Yet a man ; with crisped haire Cast in a thousand snares , and rings For loves fingers , and his wings : Chestnut colour , or more slack Gold , upon a ground of black . Venus , and Minerva's eyes , For he must look wanton-wise . Eye-brows bent like Cupids bow , Front , an ample field of snow ; Even nose , and cheek ( withall ) Smooth as is the Biliard Ball ; Chin , as wholly as the Peach ; And his lip should kissing teach , Till he cherish'd too much beard , And make love or me afeard . He should have a hand as soft As the Downe , and shew it oft ; Skin as smooth as any rush , And so thin to see a blush Rising through it e're it came ; All his blood should be a flame Quickly fir'd as in beginners In Loves School , and yet no sinners . 'T were too long to speak of all What we harmony doe call In a body should be there . Well he should his cloaths to wear ; Yet no Taylor help to make him Drest , you still for man should take him ; And not think h 'had eat a stake , Or were set up in a brake . Valiant he should be as fire , Shewing danger more then ire . Bounteous as the clouds to earth ; And as honest as his birth . All his actions to be such As to doe nothing too much . Nor o're-praise , nor yet condemne ; Nor out-valew , nor contemne ; Nor doe wrongs , nor wrongs receive ; Nor tye knots , nor knots unweave ; And from basenesse to be free , As he durst love truth and me . Such a man with every part , I could give my very heart ; But of one , if short he came , I can rest me where I am . Another Ladies exception . For his minde , I doe not care , That 's a toy that I could spare ; Let his Title be but great , His clothes rich , and band sit neat , Himself young , and face be good , All I wish 't is understood . What you please , you parts may call , 'T is one good part I 'd lie withall . Abroad with the Maids . Come sit we under yonder Tree , Where merry as the Maids we 'l be , And as on Primroses we sit , We 'l venture ( if we can ) ●t wit : If not , at Draw-gloves we will play ; So spend some Minutes of the day ; Or else spin out the thred of sands , Playing at Questions and Commands : Or tell what strange tricks love can do , By quickly making one of two . Thus we will sit and talk ; but tell No cruell truths of Philomell , Or Phillis , whom hard Fate forc't on , To kill her selfe for Demophon . But Fables we 'l relate ; how Iove Put on all shapes to get a Love ; As now a Satyr , then a Swan ; A Bull but then ; and now a Man. Next we will act how young men woe ; And sigh , and kisse , as Lovers doe , And talk of Brides ; and who shall make That wedding smock , this Bridal-Cake ; That dresse , this sprig , that leafe , this vine ; That smooth and silken Columbine . This done , we 'l draw lots , who shall buy And guild the Bayes , and Rosemary : What Posies , for our wedding Rings ; What Gloves we 'l give and Ribonings : And smiling at our selves , decree , Who then the joyning Priest shall be . What short sweet Prayers shall be said ; And how the Posset shall be made With Cream of Lillies ( not of Kine ) And Maidens-blush , for spiced wine . Thus having talkt , we 'l next commend A kisse to each ; and so we 'l end . The Shepheards Holy-day . Mopso and Marina . Mop. Come Marina let 's away , For both Bride , and Bridegroom stay : Fie for shame , are Swains so long Pinning of their Head-gear on ? Prethee see , None but we 'Mongst the Swaines are left unready : Fie , make haft , Bride is past , Follow me , and I will lead thee . Mar. On , my loving Mopsus , on , I am ready , all is done From my head unto my foot , I am fitted each way too 't ; Buskins gay , Gowne of gray , Best that all our Flocks doe render ; Hat of Straw , Platted through , Cherry lip , and middle slender . Mop. And I think you will not find Mopsus any whit behind , For he loves as well to goe , As most part of Shepheards doe . Cap of browne . Bottle-crowne , With the legge I won at dancing , And a pumpe , Fit to jumpe , When we Shepheards fall a prancing . And I know there is a sort ▪ Will be well provided for For I hear , there will be there , Liveliest Swaines within the shier● : Jetting Gill , Jumping Will ; O'r the floore will have their measure : Kit and Kate There will waite ▪ Tib and Tom will take their pleasure . Mar. But I feare ; Mop. What dost thou feare ? Mar. Crowd the Fidler is not there : And my mind delighted i● With no stroke so much as hi● . Mop. If not he ; There will be Drone the Piper that will troun●e it . Mar. But i● Crowd Struck alowd ; Lord me-thinks how I could bounce it . Mop. Bounce it Mall I hope thou will , For I know that thou hast skill ▪ And I am sure , thou there shalt find Measures store to please thy mind . Roundelayes . Irish hayes , Cog● and Rongs , and Peggie Ramsy , Spaniletto , The Venetto , Iohn come kisse me , Wilsons fancy . Mar. But of all there 's none so sprightly To my ear , as Touch me lightly ; For it 's this we Shepheards love , Being that which most doth move ; There , there , there , To a haire ; O Tim Crowd , me thinks I hear thee , Young nor old , Ne're could hold , But must leak if they come near thee . Mop. Blush Marina , fie for shame , Blemish not a Shepheards name ; Mar. Mopsus , why , is 't such a matter , Maid● to shew their yeelding nature ? O what then , Be ye men , That will hear your selves so forward , When you find Us inclin'd To your bed and board so toward ? Mop. True indeed , the fault is ours , Though we term it oft time yours . Mar. What would Shepheards have us doe , But to yeeld when they doe woe ? And we yeeld Them the field , And endow them with their riches . Mop. Yet we know Oft times too , You 'l not stick to wear the Breeches . Mar. Fools they 'l deem them , that do hear them , Say their wives are wont to wear them ; For I know , there 's none has wit , Can endure or suffer it ; But if they Have no stay , Nor discretion ( as 't is common ) Then they may●● Give the sway ▪ As is fitting , to the Woman . Mop. All too long ( dear Love ) I ween , Have we stood upon this T●eam : Let each Lasse , a● once it was , Love her Swain , and 〈◊〉 his Lasse : So shall we Honour'd be , In our mating , in our meeting , While we stand Hand in hand , Honest Swainling , with his Sweeting . Alvar and Anthea . Come Anthea let us two Go to Feast , as others do . Tarts and Custards , Cream and Cakes , Are the junkets still at Wakes : Unto which the Tribes resort , Where the businesse is the sport : Morris-dancers thou shalt see , Marian too in Pagentrie : And a Mimick to devise Many grinning properties Players there will be , and those Base in action as in clothes ▪ Yet with strutting they will please The incurious Villages . Neer the dying of the day There will be a Cudgel-play , Where a Coxcomb will be broke , Ere a good word can be spoke● ▪ But the anger ends all here ▪ Drencht in Ale , or drown'd in Beere Happy Rusticks , best content With the cheapest Merriment : And possesse no other fear , Then to want the Wake next year . The Wake . I , and whither shall we go● ? To the Wake I trow : 'T is the Village Lord Majors show , Oh! to meet I will not fa●le ; For my pallate is in hast , Till I sip againe and tast Of the Nut-browne Lasse and Ale. Feele how my Temples ake For the Lady of the Wake ; Her lips are as soft as a Medler With her posies and her points , And the Ribbons on her joynts , The device of the fields and the Pedler . Enter Maurice-Dancer . With a noyse and a Din , Comes the Maurice-Dancer in : With a fine linnen shirt , but a Buckram skin . Oh! he treads out such a Peale From his paire of legs of Veale , The Quarters are Idols to him . Nor doe those Knaves inviron Their Toes with so much iron , 'T will ruine a Smith to shooe him . I , and then he flings about , His sweat and his clout , The wiser think it two Ells : While the Yeomen find it meet , That he jangle at his feet , The Fore-horses right Eare Jewels . Enter Fidler . But before all be done , With a Christopher strong , Comes Musick none , though Fidler one , While the Owle and his Granchild , With a face like a Manchild , Amaz'd in their Nest , Awake from the Rest , And seek out an Oak to laugh in . Such a dismall chance , Makes the Church-yard dance , When the Screech Owle guts string a Coffin . When a Fidlers coarse , Catches cold and grows hoarse , Oh ye never heard a sadder , When a Rattle-headed Cutter , Makes his will before Supper , To the Tune of the Nooze and the Ladder . Enter the Taberer . I , but all will not doe , Without a passe or two , From him that pipes and Tabers the Tattoo . He 's a man that can tell 'em , Such a Jigge from his vellam ; With his Whistle & his Club , And his brac't halfe Tub , That I think there ne're came before ye , Though the Mothes lodged in 't , Or in Manuscript or print , Such a pitifull parchment story . He that hammers like a Tinker Kettle Musick is a stinker , Our Taberer bids him heark it ; Though he thrash till he sweats , And out the bottome beats Of his two Dosser Drums to the Market Enter the Bag-piper . Bag-piper good luck on you , Th' art a Man for my money ; Him the Bears love better then honey . How he tickles up his skill , With his bladder and his quill ; How he swells till he blister . While he gives his mouth a Glister , Nor yet does his Physick grieve him ; His chops they would not tarry , For a try'd Apothecary , But the Harper comes in to relie●e him . Whose Musick took its fountaine , From the Bogge or the Mountaine , For better was never afforded . Strings hop and rebound , Oh the very same sound May be struck from a ●ru●kle-bed coarded . Cock-throwing . Cock-a-doodle-doe , 't is the bravest game , Take a Cock from his Dame , And bind him to a st●k● ▪ How he strutt● how he throwes , How he swaggers , how he crowes , As if the day newly brake . How his Mistriss Cackles , Thus to find him in shackles , And ty'd to a Pack-threed Garter ; Oh the Bears and the Bulls , Are but Corpulent Gulls To the valiant Shrove-tide Martyr . Canto . Let no Poet Critick in his Ale , Now tax me for a heedlesse Tale , For ere I have done , my honest Ned , I 'll 〈◊〉 my matter to a head . The Brazen Head speak● through the Nose , More Logick then the Colledge knowes : Quick-silver Heads run over all , But Dunces Heads keep Leaden-ball . A Quirristers Head is made of aire , A Head of wax becomes a Player , So pliant 't is to any shape , A King , a Clowne , but still an Ape . A melancholy head it was , That thought it selfe a Venice glasse ; But when I see a drunken sot , Methinks his Head 's a Chamberpot . A Poets Head is made of Match , Burnt Sack is apt to make it catch ; Well may he gri●● his houshold bread , That hath a Windmill in his Head. There is the tongue of ignorance , That hates the time it cannot dance ; Shew him dear wit in Verse or Prose , It reeks like Brimstone in his nose ; But when his Granhams will is read , O dear ! ( quoth he ) and shakes his head . French heads taught ours the gracefull shake , They learn'd it in the last Earth-quake . The gentle head makes mouths in state , At the Mechanick beaver pate . The empty head of meer Esquire , Scorns wit ; as born a title higher . In Capite he holds his lands , His wisdome in Fee-simple stands . Which he may call for , and be sped , Out of the Footmans running head . The Saracens , not Gorgons head , Can look old ten in th'hundred dead But deaths head on his fingers ends , Afflicts him more then twenty fiends An Oxford Cook that is well read , Knows how to dresse a Criticks head . Take out the brains , and 〈◊〉 the noats , O rare Calves-head for 〈◊〉 throats . Prometheus would be puzled , To make a new Projectors head : He hath such subtile turns and nooks , Such turn-pegs , mazes , tenter-hooks : A trap-door here , and there a vault , Should you goe in , you 'ld sure be caught ; This head , if e'r the heads-man stick , He 'll spoile the subtile politick . Six heads there are will ne'r be seen , The first a Maide past twice sixteen : The next is of an Unicorne , Which when I see , I 'll trust his horne ; A Beggars in a beaver ; and A Gyant in a Pigmies 〈◊〉 ▪ A Coward in a Ladies lap , A good man in a Fryers cap. The plurall head of multitude , Will make good hodg-podge when 't is stude ; Now I have done my honest Ned , And brought my matter to a Head. Interrogativ● Camilena . If all the world were Paper , And all the Sea were Inke ; If all the Trees were bread and cheese , How should we doe for drinke ? If all the World were sand'o , Oh then what should we lack'o ; If as they say there were no clay , How should we take Tobacco ? If all our vessels ran'a , If none but had a crack'a ; If Spanish Apes eat all the Grapes , How should we doe for Sack'a ? If Fryers had no bald pate● ▪ Nor Nuns had no dark Cloysters , If all the Seas were 〈◊〉 and Pease , How should we doe for Oysters ? If there had been no projects , Nor none that did great wrongs ; If Fidlers shall turne Players all , How should we doe for songs ? If all things were eternall , And nothing their end bringing ; If this should be , then how should we , Here make an end of singing ? The seven Planets . ♄ ♃ ♂ ☉ ♀ ☿ ☽ SATURNE diseas'd with age , and left for dead ; Chang'd all his gold , to be in involv'd in Lead . IOVE , Iuno leaves , and loves to take his range ; From whom , man learns to love , and loves to change ▪ IUNO checks Iove , that he to earth should come Having her selfe to sport withall at home . MARS is disarmed , and is to Venus gon , Where Vulcans Anvill must be struck upon . 〈◊〉 sees , yet 'cause he may not be allow'd , ●o say he sees , he hides him in a cloud . VENUS tels Vulcan , Mars shall shooe her Steed , For he it is that hits the naile o' th head . The Aery-nuntius sly MERCURIUS , ●s stoln from Heaven to Galobelgicus . LVNA is deemed chast , yet she'● a sinner , Witnesse the man that she receives within her : But that she 's horn'd it cannot well be sed , Since I ne'r heard that she was married . The 12 Signes of the Zodiack . ♈ Venus to Mars , and Mars to Venus came , Venus contriv'd , and Mars confirm'd the same : 〈◊〉 the place , the game what best did please , 〈◊〉 Vulcan ▪ found the Sun in ARIES . ♉ TAURUS , as it hath been alledg'd by some , ●s fled from Neck and Throat to roare at Rome . 〈◊〉 now the Bull is growne to such a rate , The price has brought the Bull quite out of date . ♋ CANCER the backward Crab is figur'd here . O'r stomack , breast , and ribs to domineere . Eve on a rib was made , whence we may know , Women from Eve were Crab'd and backward too ▪ ♍ VIRGO the Phoenix signe ( as all can tell ye ) Has regiment o'r bowells , and o'r belly . But now since Virgo could not her belly tame , Belly has forc'd Virgo to lose her name . ♏ SCORPIO Serpent-like , most slily tenders , What much seduceth man , his privy members : Which mov'd our Grandam Eve give eare unto That secret-member-patron Scorpio . ♑ The goatish CAPRICORNE that us'd to presse 'Mongst naked Mermaidens , now 's faln on ●s 〈◊〉 Where crest-faln too ( poor Snake ) he lies as low As those on whom he did his horns bestow . ♊ With arm in arm our GEMINI enwreath , Their individuate parts in life and death : The arms and shoulders sway , O may I have But two such friends to have me to my grave . ♌ LEO a Port-like Prelate now become , Emperiously retires to th' Sea of Rome : A Sea , and yet no Levant-sea , for than He were no Leo , but Leviathan . ♎ LIBRA the reins , which we may ●ustly call A signe which Tradesmen hate the worst of all : For she implies even weights , but doe not look To find this signe in every Grocers-book . ♐ If thou wouldst please the lasse that thou dost marry , The signe must ever be in SAGITTARY : Which rules the thighs , an influence more common Mongst Marmosites & Monkies , then some women . ♒ AQUARIUS ( as I informed am ) Kept Puddle-wharfe , and was a Waterman , But being one too honest for that kind , He row'd to Heaven , and left those knaves behind . ♓ PISCIS the fish is said to rule the feet , And socks with all that keep the feet from sweat ▪ One that purveyes provision enough , Of Ling , Poore-Iohn , and other Lenten stuffe . A Hymne to Bacchus . I sing thy praise Bacchus , Who with thy Thyrse dost thwack us : And yet thou so dost black us With boldnesse that we feare No Brutus entring here ; Nor Cato the severe . What though the Lictors threat us , We know they dare not beat us ; So long as thou dost heat us . When we thy Orgies sing , Each Cobler is a King ; Nor dreads he any thing . And though he doth not rave , Yet he 'l the courage have To call my Lord Major knave ; Besides too , in a brave . Although he has no riches , But walks with dangling breeches , And skirts that want their stitches ; And shews his naked flitches ; Yet he 'l be thought or seen ; So good as George-a-Green ; And calls his Blouze , his Queen , And speaks in a Language keen . O Bacchus ! let us be From cares and troubles free ; And thou shalt hear how we Will Chant new Hymnes to thee . The Welshmans praise of Wales . I's not come here to tauke of Prut , From whence the Welse do● take hur root ; Nor tell long Pedegree of Prince Camber , Whose linage would fill full a Chamber , Nor sing the deeds of ould Saint Davie , The Ursip of which would fill a Navie . But hark you me now , for a liddell tales Sall make a gread deal to the creddit of Wales . For her will tudge your ●ares , With the praise of hur thirteen Seers ; And make you as clad and merry , As fouteen pot of Perry . 'T is true , was wear him Sherkin freize , But what is that ? we have store of seize ; And Got is plenty of Coats milk That sell him well will buy him silk Inough , to make him fine to quarrell At Herford Sizes in new apparrell ; And get him as much green Melmet perhap , Sall give it a face to his Momouth Cap. But then the ore of Lemster ; Py Cot is uver a Sempster ; That when he is spun , or did Yet match him with hir thrid . Aull this the backs now , let us tell yee , Of some provisions for the belly : As Cid and Goat , and great Goats Mother , And Runt , and Cow , and good Cows uther . And once but tast on the Welse Mutton ; Your Englis Seeps not worth a button . And then for your Fisse , shall shoose it your disse , Look but about , and there is a Trout . A Salmon , Cor , or Chevin , Will feed you six or seven , As taul● man as ever swagger With Welse Club , and long Dagger . But all this while , was never think A word in praise of our Welse drink : Yet for aull that , is a Cup of Bragat , Aull England Seer may cast his Cap at . And what you say to Ale of Webley , Toudge him as well , you 'll praise him trebly , As well as Metheglin , or Syder , or Meath , S'all sake it your dagger quite out o' the seath . And Oat-Cake of Guarthenion , With a goodly Leek or Onion , To give as sweet a rellis As e'r did Harper Ellis . And yet is nothing now all this , 〈◊〉 of our Musicks we doe misse ; Both Harps , and Pipes too , and the Crowd , Must aull come in , and tauk aloud , As lowd as Bang●● , Davies Bell , Of which is no doubt you have here tell : As well as our lowder Wrexam Organ , And rumbling Rocks in the Seer of Glamorgan , Where look but in the ground there , And you sall see a sound there ; That put her all to gedder , Is sweet as measure pedder . Hur in Love. A modest Shentle when hur see The great laugh hur made on mee , And fine wink that hur send To hur come to see hur friend : Her could not strose py Got apove , Put was entangle in hur love . A hundred a time hur was about To speak to hur , and lave hur out , Put hur being a Welshman porne , And therefore was think , hur woud hur scorne : Was fear hur think , nothing petter , Then cram hur love into a Letter ; Hoping he will no ceptions take Unto her love , for Country sake : For say hur be Welshman , whad ten ? Py Got they all be Shentlemen . Was decend from Shoves nown line , Par humane , and par divine ; And from Venus , that faire Goddess , And twenty other Shentle poddy● : Hector stout , and comely Parris , Arthur , Prute , and King of Fayris , Was hur nown Cosins all a kin We have the Powells issue in : And for ought that hur con see , As goot men , as other men pee : But whot of that ? Love is a knave , Was make hur doe whot he woud have ; Was compell hur write the Rime , That ne'r was writ before the time And if he will nod pity hur paine , As Got shudge hur soule , sall ne'r write againe : For love is like an Ague-fit , Was brin poor Welseman out on hur wit : Till by hur onswer , hur doe know Whother hur do love hur , ai or no. Hur has not bin in England lung , And conna speak the Englis tongue : Put hur is hur friend , and so hur will prove , Pray a send hur word , if hur con love . Of Melancholy . When I goe musing all alone , Thinking of divers things fore-knowne , When I build Castles in the aire , Vold of sorrow and void of feare , Pleasing my selfe with phantasmes sweet , Me thinks the time runs very fleet . All my joyes to this are folly , Naught so sweet as melancholy . When I lye waking all alone , Recounting what I have ill done , My thoughts on me then tyrannise , Fear and sorrow me surprise , Whether I tarry still or goe , Me thinks the time moves very sloe . All my griefs to this are jolly , Naught so sad as melancholy . When to my selfe I act and smile , With pleasing thoughts the time beguile , By a brook side or wood so green , Unheard , unsought for , or unseen , A thousand pleasures doe me bless , And crown my soul with happinesse . All my joyes besides are folly , None so sweet as melancholy . When I lye , sit , or walk alone , I sigh , I grieve , making great moan , In a dark grove , or irksome den , With discontents and Furies then , A thousand miseries at once , Mine heavy heart and soul ensconce . All my griefs to this are jolly , None so soure as melancholy . Me thinks I hear , me thinks I see , Sweet Musick , wondrous melody , Towns , places and Cities fine , Here now , then there , the world is mine , Rare Beauties , gallant Ladies shine , What e're is lovely or divine , All other joyes to this are folly , None so sweet as melancholy . Me thinks I hear , me thinks I see Ghosts , goblins , feinds , my phantasie Presents a thousand ugly shapes , Headlesse bears , black-men and apes , Dolefull outcries , and fearfull sights , My sad and dismall soule affrights . All my griefs to this are jolly , None so damn'd as melancholy . Me thinks I court , me thinks I kisse , Me thinks I now embrace my Mistrisse . O blessed dayes , O sweet content , In Paradise my time is spent , Such thoughts may still my fancy move , So may I ever be in love . All my joyes to this are folly , Naught so sweet as Melancholy . When I recount loves many frights , My sighes and tears , my waking nights , My jealous fits ; O mine hard fate , I now repent , but 't is too late . No torment is so bad as love , So bitter to my soule can prove . All my griefs to this are jolly , Naught so harsh as Melancholy . Friends and Companions get you gone , 'T is my desire to be alone , Ne're well but when my thoughts and I , Doe domineer in privacy . No Jem no treasure like to this , 'T is my delight , my Crowne , my blisse . All my joyes to this are folly , Naught so sweet as Melancholy . 'T is my sole plague to be alone , I am a beast , a monster growne , I will no light nor company , I find it now my misery . The scene is turn'd , my joyes are gone , Fear , discontent , and sorrowes come . All my griefs to this are jolly , Naught so fierce as Melancholy . I le not change life with any King , I ravisht am : can the world bring More joy , then still to laugh and smile , In pleasant toyes time to beguile ? Doe not , O doe not trouble me , So sweet content I feele and see . All my joyes to this are folly , None so divine as Melancholy . I le change my state with any wretch , Thou canst from gaole or dunghill fetch : My pain 's past cure , another Hell , I may not in this torment dwell . Now desperate I hate my life , Lend me an halter or a knife . All my griefs to this are jolly , Naught so damn'd as Melancholy . On the Letter O. Run round my lines , whilst I as roundly show The birth , the worth , the extent of my round O That O which in the indigested Masse Did frame it selfe , when nothing framed was . But when the worlds great masse it selfe did show , 〈◊〉 largenesse , fairnesse , roundnesse a great O. The Heavens , the Element , a box of O's , Where still the greater doth the lesse inclose . The imaginary center in O's made , That speck which in the world doth stand or fade . The Zodiack , Colours , and Equator line , In Tropique and Meridian O did shine , The lines of bredth , and lines of longitude , Climate from Climate , doth by O seclude . And in the starry spangled sky the O Makes us the day from night distinctly know . And by his motion , round as in a ring , Light to himselfe , light to each O doth bring ; In each dayes journey , in his circle round , The framing of an O by sense is found . The Moon hath to the O's frame most affection : But the Suns envy grudgeth such perfection . Yet Dian hath each moneth , and every year , Learned an O's frame in her front to bear . And to requite Sols envy with the like , With oft Eclipses at his O doth strike In our inferiour bodies there doth grow Matter enough to shew the worth of O. Our brains and heart , either in O doth lye , So that the nest of O's the sparkling eye . The ribs in meeting , fashion an O's frame , The mouth and ear , the nostrills bear the same . The Latins honouring the chiefest parts , Gloryed to make our O the heart of hearts ; Fronting it with three words of deepest sense , Order , Opinion , and Obedience . Oft have I seen a reverend dimmed eye , By the help of O to read most legibly . Each drop of rain that fals , each flower that grows Each coyne that 's currant doth resemble O's . Into the water , if a stone we throw , Mark how each circle joyns to make an O. Cut but an Orange , you shall easily find , Yellow with white and watery O's combin'd . O doth preserve a trembling Conjurer , Who from his Circle O doth never stir . O from a full throat Cryer , if it come , Strikes the tumultuous roaring people dumbe . The thundring Cannon from this dreadfull O , Ruine to walls , and death to men doth throw . O utters woes , O doth expresse our joyes , O wonders shews , O riches , or O toyes . And O yee women which doe fashions fall , O ●●tre , O gorget , and O farthingall , And O yee spangles , O ye golden O's That art upon the rich embroydered throws Think not we mock , though our displeasing pen Sometime doth write , you bring an O to men , 'T is no disparagement to you ye know , Since Ops the Gods great Grandame bears an O ; Your sexes glory ( Fortune ) though she reele , Is ever constant to her O , her wheele , And you Carroches through the street that glide , By art of four great O's doe help you ride . When tables full , and cups doe overflow , Is not each cup , each salt , each dish an O? What is 't that dreadfull makes a Princes frowne , But that his head bears golden O the Crowne ? Unhappy then th'Arithmatician , and He that makes O a barren Cipher stand . Let him know this , that we know in his place , An O adds number , with a figures grace ; And that O which for Cypher he doth take , One dash may easily a thousand make . But O enough , I have done my reader wrong , Mine O was round , and I have made it long . Pure Nonsence . When Neptune's blasts , and Boreas blazing storms , When Tritons pitchfork cut off Vulcans horns , When Eolus boyst'rous Sun-beams grew so dark , That Mars in Moon-shine could not hit the mark : Then did I see the gloomy day of Troy , When poor Aeneas leglesse ran away , Who took the torrid Ocean in his hand , And sailed to them all the way by land : An horrid sight to see Achilles fall , He brake his neck , yet had no hurt at all . But being dead , and almost in a trance , He threatned forty thousand with his lance . Indeed 't was like such strange ●ights then were seen An ugly , rough , black Monster all in green . That all about the white , blew , round , square , sky ; The fixed Starres hung by Geometry . Iuno amazed , and Iove surpriz'd with wonder , Caus'd Heaven to shake , and made the mountaines thunder . Which caus'd Aeneas once again retire , Drown'd Aetna's hill , and burnt the Sea with fire . Nilus for fear to see the Ocean burn , Went still on forward in a quick return . Then was that broyle of Agamemnon's done , When trembling Ajax to the battell come . He struck stark dead ( they now are living still ) Five hundred mushrooms with his martiall bill . Nor had himselfe escap'd , as some men say , If he being dead , he had not run away . O monstrous , hideous Troops of Dromidaries , How Bears and Bulls from Monks and Goblins varies ! Nay would not Charon yield to Cerberus , But catch'd the Dog , and cut his head off thus : Pluto rag'd , and Iuno pleas'd with ire , Sought all about , but cou'd not find the fire : But being found , well pleas'd , and in a spight They slept at Acharon , and wak● all night : Where I let passe to tell their mad bravadoes , Their meat was tosted cheese and carbonadoes . Thousands of Monsters more besides there be Which I fast hoodwink'd , at that time did see ; And in a word to shut up this discourse , A Rudg-gowns ribs are good to spur a horse . A messe of Non-sense . Like to the tone of unspoke speeches , Or like a Lobster clad in logick breeches , Or like the gray freeze of a crimson cat , Or like a Moon-calfe in a slipshooe-hat , Or like a shadow when the Sun is gon , Or like a thought that ne'r was thought upon : Even such is man , who never was begotten , Untill his children were both dead and rotten . Like to the fiery touchstone of a Cabbage , Or like a Crablouse with his bag and baggage , Or like th' abortive issue of a Fizle , Or the bag-pudding of a Plow-mans whistle , Or like the foursquare circle of a ring , Or like the singing of Hey down a ding ; Even such is man , who breathles , without doubt , Spake to small purpose when his tongue was out . Like to the green fresh fading Rose , Or like to Rime or Verse that runs in prose , Or like the Humbles of a Tinder-box , Or like a man that 's sound , yet hath the Pox , Or like a Hob-naile coyn'd in single pence , Or like the present preterperfect tense : Even such is man who dy'd , and then did laugh To see such strong lines writ on 's Epitaph . An Encomium . I sing the praises of a Fart ; That I may do 't by rules of Art , I will invoke no Deity But butter'd Pease & Furmity , And think their help sufficient To fit and furnish my intent . For sure I must not use high straines , For fear it bluster out in graines : When Virgils Gnat , and Ovids Flea , And Homers Frogs strive for the day There is no reason in my mind , That a brave Fart should come behind ; Since that you may it parallell With any thing that doth excell : Musick is but a Fart that 's sent From the guts of an Instrument : The Scholler but farts , when he gains Learning with cracking of his brains . And when he has spent much pain and oile , Thomas and Dun to reconcile ; And to learn the abstracting Art , What does he get by'● ? not a fart . The Souldier makes his foes to run With but the farting of a Gun ; That 's if he make the bullet whistle , Else 't is no better then a Fizle : And if withall the wind doe stir up Rain , 't is but a Fart in Syrrup . They are but Farts , the words we say , Words are but wind , and so are they . Applause is but a Fart , the crude Blast of the fickle multitude . Five boats that lye the Thames about , Be but farts severall Docks let out . Some of our projects were , I think , But politick farts , foh how they stink ! As soon as born , they by and by , Fart-like but onely breath , and dy . Farts are as good as Land , for both We hold in taile , and let them both : Onely the difference here is , that Farts are let at a lower rate . I 'll no say more , for this is right , That for my Guts I cannot write , Though I should study all my dayes , Rimes that are worth the thing I praise . What I have said , take in good part , If not , I doe not care a fart . The Drunken Humors . One here is bent to quarrell , and he will ( If not prevented ) this his fellow kill : He fume● , and frets , and rages ; in whose face Nothing but death and horrour taketh place . But being parted , 'tother odd jugg , or two , Makes them all friends again with small ado● . Another he makes deaf your ears to heare The vain tautologies he doth declare ; That , had you as many ear● as Argus eyes ; He 'd make them weary all with tales , and lyes : And at the period of each idle fable , He gives the on-set to out-laugh the Table . One he fits drinking healthe to such a friend , Then to his Mistris he a health doth send : This publick Captain● health he next doth mean , And then in private to some nasty Que●n ; Nothing but health● of love is his pretence , Till he himselfe hath lost both health and sense . To make the number up amongst the crew , Another being o're-fil'd , begins to spue Worse then the brutish beast ; ( O fy upon it ! ) It is a qualme forsooth doth cause him vomit . So that his stomack being over-prest , He must disgorge it , o're he can have rest . Here sits one straining of his drunken throat Beyond all reason , yet far short of note : Singing is his delight , then hoops and hallows , Making a Garboyle worse then Vulcans bellows . Now for a Coun●er-tenor he takes place , But straining that too high , fall● to a base . Then screws his mouth an inch beyond his forme , To treble it , just like a Gelders-horne : He 's all for singing , and he hates to chide , Till blithfull Bacchus cause his tongue be tide . One like an Ape shews many tricks and toyes , To leap , and dance , and sing with ru●full noise ; O're the foorme skips , then crosse-legd sits Upon the Table , in his apish fits . From house to house he rambles in such sort , That no Baboon could make you better sport : He pincheth one , another with his wand He thrusts , or striketh , or else with his hand : P●ss●s the room , and as he sleeping lyes , Waters his Couch ( not with repenting eyes . ) A seaventh , he sits mute , as if his tongue Had never learn'd no other word but mum ; And with his mouth he maketh mops and mews , Just like an Ape his face in form he screws : Then nods with hum , and hah ; but not one word His tongue-tide foolish silence can afford . To note his gesture , and his snorting after , 'T would make a Horse break all his girts with laughter But questionlesse he 'd speak more were he able , Which you shall hear , having well slept at table . Sir reverence , your stomacks doe prepare Against some word , or deed , ill-sent doth beare . So this most sorded beast being drunk , doth misse The Chamber-pot , and in his hose doth pisse . Nay , smell but near him , you perhaps may find , Not onely piss'd before , but — behind ; Each company loaths him , holding of their nose , Scorning , and pointing at his filthy hose : As no condition of a Drunkard 's good , So this smels worst of all the loathsome brood . The Post of the Signe . Though it may seem rude For me to intrude , With these my Bears by chance-a ; 'T were sport for a King , If they could sing As well as they can dance-a . Then to put you out Of fear or doubt , He came from St. Katharine-a . These dancing three , By the help of mee , Who am the post of the Signe-a . We sell good ware , And we need not care , Though Court and Countrey knew it ; Our Ale 's o' th best : And each good guest Prayes for their soules that brew it . For any Alehouse , We care not a Louse , Nor Tavern in all the Town-a ; Nor the Vintry Cranes , Nor St. Clement Dones , Nor the Devill can put us down-a . Who has once there been , Comes hither agen , The liquor is so mighty . Beer strong and stale , And so is our Ale ; And it burns like Aqu●-vitae . To a stranger there , If any appeare , Where never before he has bin ; We shew th'Iron gate , The wheele of St. Kate , And the place where they first fell in . The wives of Wapping , They trudge to our tapping , And still our Ale desire ; And there sit and drink , Till they spue and stink , And often pisse out the fire . From morning to night , And about to day-light , They sit and never grudge it ; Till the Fish-wives joyne Their single coyne , And the Tinker pawns his budget . If their brains be not well , Or bladders doe swell , To ease them of their burden ; My Lady will come With a bowl and a broom , And their handmaid with a Jourden . From Court we invite , Lord , Lady , and Knight , Squire , Gentleman , Yeoman , and Groom , And all our stiffe drinkers , Smiths , Porters , and Tinkers , And the Beggers shall give ye room . If you give not credit , Then take you the verdict , Or a guest that came from St. H●llow● ; And you then will sweare , The Man has been there , By his story now that follows . A Ballade . A Discourse between two Countrey-men . I Tell thee Dick where I have been , Where I the rarest things have seen ; Oh things beyond compare ! Such sights againe cannot be found In any place on English ground , Be it at Wake or Faire . At Charing-Crosse , hard by the way Where we ( thou know'st ) do sell our H●y , There is a House with stair● ; And there did I see coming down Such volk as are not in our Town , Vortie at l●ast in pairs . Amongst the rest , on p●st'lent fine , ( His beard no bigger though then thine ) Walkt on before the rest : Our Landlord looks like nothing to him : The King ( God blesse him ) 't would undo him Should he goe still to drest . At Course-a-Park , without all doubt , He should have first been taken out By all the maid● 〈◊〉 Town : Though Iusty Roger there had been , Or little George upon the Green , Or Vincent of the Crown . But wot you what ? the youth was going To make an end of all his wooing ; The Parson for him sta●d : Yet by his leave ( for all his ha●t ) He did not so much wish all past ( Perchance ) as did the Maid . The Maid ( and thereby hangs a tale ) For such a Maid no Widson-Ale Could ever yet produce : No grape that 's kindly ripe , could be So round , so plump , so soft as she , Nor halfe so full of juice . Her finger was so small , the Ring Would not stay on which he did bring , It was too wide a peck : And to say truth ( for out it must ) It lookt like the great Collar ( just ) About our young Colts neck . Her feet beneath her peticoat , Like little mice stole in and out , As if they fear'd the light : But Dick she dances such a way I No Sun upon an Easter day Is halfe so fine a sight . He would have kist her once or twice , But she would not , she was so nice She would not do'●●n sight , And then she lookt as who would say I will doe what I list to day ; And you shall do 't at night . Her cheeks so rare a white was on , No D●zy make comparison ( Who sees them is undone ) For streaks of red were mingled there , Such as are on a Katherine Peare , The side that 's next the Sun. ) Her lips were red , and one was thin Compar'd to Heat was next her chin ; ( Some Bee had stung it newly ) But ( Dick ) her eyes so guard her face , I durst no more upon them gaze , Then on the Sun in Iuly . Her mouth so small when she does speak , thou 'dst swear her teeth her words did break , That they might passage get , But she so handled still the matter , They came as good as ours , or better , And are not spent 〈◊〉 whit . If wishing should be any sin The Parson himselfe had guilty bin , ( She lookt that day so purely ) And did the youth so oft the feat At night , as some did in conceit , It would have spoil'd him surely . Passion oh me ! how I run on ! There 's that that would be thought upon , ( I trow ) besides the Bride . The businesse of the Kitchin 's great , For it is fit that men should eat ; Nor was it there deny'd . Just in the nick the Cook knockt thrice , And all the Waiters in a trice His summons did obey , Each Serving-man with dish in hand , Marcht boldly up like our Train'd band , Presented and away . When all the mea● was on the Table , What man of knife , or teeth , was able To stay to be intreated ? And this the very reason was Before the Parson could say Grace , The company was seated . Now hats fly off , and youths carrouse ; Healths first goe round , and then the house , The Brides came thick and thick ; And when 't was nam'd anothers health , Perhaps he made it here by stealth ; ( And who could help it Dick ? ) O' th sudain up they rise and dance ; Then sit againe , and sigh , and glance : Then dance againe and kisse : Thus sev'rall wayes the time did passe , Whil'st every woman wisht her place , And every man wisht his . By this time all were stolne aside , To councell and undresse the Bride ; But that he must not know : But 't was thought he ghest her mind , And did not mean to stay behind Above an houre or so . When in he came ( Dick ) there she lay Like new-faln snow melting away , ( 'T was time I trow to part ) Kisses were now the onely stay , Which soon she gave , as who would say , God B'w'y ' ! with all my heart . But just as Heavens would have to crosse it , In came the Bride-maids with the Posset : The Bridegroom eat in spight ; For had he le●● the women to 't It would have cost two houres to do 't , Which were too much that night . At length the Candle 's out , and now , All that they had not done , they doe : What that i● , who can tell ? But I beleeve it was no more Then thou and I have done before With Bridget , and with Nell . The Good Fellow . When shall we meet again to have a tast Of that transcendent Ale we drank of last ? What wild ingredient did the woman chose To make her drink withall ? it made me lose My wit , before I quencht my thirst ; there came Such whimsies in my brain , and such a flame Of fiery drunkennesse had sing'd my nose , My beard shrunk in for fear ; there were of those That took me for a Comet , some afar Distant remote , thought me a blazing star ; The earth me thought , just as it was , it went Round in a wheeling course of merriment . My head was ever drooping , and my nose Offering to be a suiter to my toes . My pock-hole face , they say , appear'd to some , Just like a dry and burning Honey-comb : My tongue did swim in Ale , and joy'd to boast It selfe a greater Sea-man then the toast . My mouth was grown awry , as if it were Lab'ring to reach the whisper in mine eare . My guts were mines of sulphur , and my se● Of parched teeth , struck fire as they met . Nay , when I pist , my Urine was so hot , It burnt a hole quite through the Chamber-pot : Each Brewer that I met , I kiss'd , and made Suit to be bound appren●i●e to the Trade : One did approve the motion , when he saw , That my own legs could my Indentures draw . Well Sir , I grew stark mad , as you may see By this adventure upon Poetry . You easily may guesse , I am not quite Grown sober yet , by these weak lines I write : Onely I do 't for this , to let you see , Whos'ere paid for the Ale , I 'm sur't paid me . Canto , In the praise of Sack. Listen all I pray , To the words I have to say , In memory sure insert um : Rich Wines doe us raise To the honour of Bayes , Quem non fecere disertum ? Of all the juice , Which the Gods produce , Sack shall be preferr'd before them ; 'T is Sack that shall Create us all , Mars , Bacchus , Apollo , virorum . We abandon all Ale , And Beer that is stale , Rosa-solis , and damnable hum : But we will rack In the praise of Sack , Gainst Omne quod exit in um . This is the wine , Which in former time , Each wise one of the Magi Was wont to carouse In a frolick blouse . Recubans sub tegmine fagi. Let the hop be their bane , And a rope be their shame Let the gout and collick pin 〈◊〉 That offer to shrink , In taking their drink , Seu Graecum , sive Latinum . Let the glasse goe round , Let the quart-pot sound , Let each one doe as hee 's done do : Avaunt yee that hugge The abominable Jugge , 'Mongst us Heteroclita sunto . There 's no such disease , As he that doth please His palate with Beer for to shame us : 'T is Sack makes us sing , Hey down a down ding , Musa paulo majora canamus . He is either mute , Or doth poorly dispute , That drinks ought else but wine O , The more wine a man drinks , Like a subtile Sphinx Tantum valet ille loquendo . 'T is true , our soules , By the lowsie bowles Of Beer that doth nought but swill us , Doe goe into swine , ( Pythagoras 't is thine ) Nam vos mutastis & illos . When I 've Sack in my brain , I 'm in a merry vain , And this to me a blisse is : Him that is wise , I can justly despise : Mecum confertur Vlysses ? How it chears the brains , How it warms the vains , How against all crosses it arms us ! How it makes him that 's poor , Couragiously roar , Et mutatas dicere formas . Give me the boy , My delight and my joy , To my tantum that drinks his tale : By Sack he that waxes In our Syntaxes . Est verbum personale . Art thou weak or lame , Or thy wits to blame ? Call for Sack , and thou shalt have it , 'T will make thee rise , And be very wise , Cui vim natura negavit . We have frolick rounds , We have merry go downs , Yet nothing 〈◊〉 done at randome , For when we are to pay , We club and away , Id est commune notandum . The blades that want cash , Have credit for crash , They 'll have Sack whatever it cost um , They doe not pay , Till another day , Manet alta mente repostum . Who ne'r fails to drink , All clear from the brink , With a smooth and even swallow , I 'll offer at his shrine , And call it divin● Et erit mihi magnus Apollo . He that drinks still , And never hath his fill , Hath a passage like a Conduit , The Sack doth inspire , In rapture and fire , Sic aether aethera fundit . When you merrily quaffe , If any doe off , And then from you needs will passe the , Give their nose a twitch , And kick them in the britch , Non componuntur ab asse . I have told you plain , And tell you again , Be he furious as Orlando , He is an asse , That from hence doth passe , Nisi bibit ad ostia stando . The vertue of Sack. Fetch me Ben Iohnsons scull , and fill 't with Sack , Rich as the same he drank , when the whole pack Of jolly sisters pledg'd , and did agree , It was no sin to be as drunk as he : If there be any weaknesse in the wine , There 's vertue in the Cup to mak 't divine ; This muddy drench of Ale does tast too much Of earth , the Mault retains a scurvy touch Of the dull hand that sows it ; and I fear There 's heresie in hops ; give Block-heads beer , And silly Ignoramu● , such as think There 's Powder-treason in all Spanish drink , Call Sack an Idoll ; we will kisse the Cup , For fear the Conventickle be blown up With superstition ; away with Brew-house alm● , Whose best mirth is six shillings Beer , & qualms . Let me rejoyce in sprightly Sack , that can Create a brain even in an empty pan . Canary ! it's thou that dost inspire And actuate the soule with heavenly fire . Thou that sublim'st the Genius-making wit , Scorn earth , and such as love , or live by it . Thou mak'st us Lords of Regions large and faire , Whilst our conceits build Castles in the aire : Since fire , earth , aire , thus thy inferiour● be , Henceforth I 'll know no element but thee : Thou precious Elixar of all Grapes , Welcome by thee our Muse begins her scapes , Such is the worth of Sack ; I am ( me thinks ) In the Exchequer now , hark how it chinks , And doe esteem my venerable selfe As brave a fellow , as if all the pelfe Were sure mine own ; and I have thought a way Already how to spend it ; I would pay No debts , but fairly empty every trunk ; And change the gold for Sack to keep me drunk ; And so by consequence till rich Spaines wine Being in my crown , the Indie● too were mine : And when my brains are once afoot ( heaven blesse us ! ) I think my self a better man then Croesus . And now I doe conceit my selfe a Judge ▪ And coughing laugh to see my Clients trudge After my Lordships Coach unto the Hall For Justice , and am full of Law withall , And doe become the Bench as well as he That fled long since for want of honestie : But I 'll be judge no longer , though in jest , For fear I should be talkt with like the rest , When I am sober ; who can chuse but think Me wise , that am so wary in my drink ? Oh admirable Sack ! here 's dainty sport , I am come back from Westminster to Court ; And am grown young again ; my Ptisick now Hath left me , and my Judge● graver brow Is smooth'd ; and I turn'd amorous as May , When she invites young lovers forth to play Upon her flowry bosome : I could win A Vestall now , or tempt a Queen to sin . Oh for a score of Queens ! you 'd laugh to see , How they would strive which first should ravish me : Three Goddesses were nothing : Sack has ●ipt My tongue with charms like those which Paris sipt From Venus , when she taught him how to kisse Faire Helen , and invite a fairer blisse : Mine is Canary-Rhetorick , that alone Would turn Diana to a burning stone , Stone with amazement , burning with loves fire ; Hard to the touch , but short in her desire . Inestimable Sack ! thou mak'st us rich , Wise , amorous , any thing ; I have an itch To t'other cup , and that perchance will make Me valiant too , and quarrell for thy sake . If I be once inflam'd against thy foe● That would preach down thy worth in smal-beer prose , I shall doe miracles as bad , or worse , As he that gave the King an hundred Horse : T'other odd Cup , and I shall be prepar'd To snatch at Stars , and pluck down a reward With mine own hands from Iove upon their backs That are , or Charls his enemies , or Sacks : Let it be full , if I doe chance to spill Over my Standish by the way , I will Dipping in this diviner Ink , my pen , Write my selfe sober , and fall to 't agen . The Answer of Ale to the Challenge of Sack. COme , all you brave wights , That are dubbed Ale-knights Now set out your selves in sight : And let them that crack In the praises of Sack , Know Malt is of mickle might . Though Sack they define To holy divine , Yet it is but naturall liquor : Ale hath for its part An addition of art , To make it drink thinner or thicker . Sacks fiery sume Doth wast and consume Mens humidum radicale ; It scaldeth their livers , It breeds burning feavers , Proves vinum venenum reale . But History gathers , From aged fore-fathers , That Ale 's the true liquor of life : Men liv'd long in health , And preserved their wealth , Whilst Barley-broth onely was rife . Sack quickly ascends , And suddenly ends What company came for at first : And that which yet worse is , It empties mens purses Before it halfe quencheth their thirst . Ale is not so costly , Although that the most lye Too long by the Oyle of Barley , Yet may they part late At a reasonable rate , Though they came in the morning early . Sack makes men from words Fall to drawing of swords , And quarrelling endeth their quaffing ; Whilst dagger-ale barrels Bear off many quarrels , And often turne chiding to laughing . Sack 's drink for our Masters : A●l may be Ale-tasters ▪ Good things the more common the better . Sack 's but single broth : Ale 's meat , drink , and cloth , Say they that know never a letter . But not to entangle Old friends till they wrangle , And quarrell for other mens pleasure ; Let Ale keep his place , And let Sack have his grace , So that neither exceed the due measure . The Triumph of Tobacco over Sack and Ale. NAy , soft , by your leaves , Tobacco bereaves You both of the Garland : forbear it : You are two to one , Yet Tobacco alone Is like both to win it , and wear it . Though many men crack , Some of Ale , some of Sack , And think they have reason to doe it ; Tobacco hath more , That will never give o're The honour they doe unto it . Tobacco engages Both sexes , all ages , The poor as well as the wealthy , From the Court to the Cottage , From childhood to dotage , Both those that are sick and the healthy . It plainly appears That in a few years Tobacco more custome hath gained , Then Sack , or then Ale , Though the double the tale Of the times , wherein they have reigned . And worthily too , For what they undoe Tobacco doth help to regaine , On ●airer conditions , Then many Physitians , Puts an end to much grief and paine . It helpeth digestion , Of that there 's no question , The gout , and the toothach , it easeth : Be it early , or late , 'T is never out of date , He may safely take it that pleaseth . Tobacco prevents Infection by sents , That hurt the brain , and are heady , An Antidote is , Before you 're amisse , As well as an after remedy . The cold it doth heat , Cools them that doe sweat , And them that are fat maketh lean : The hungry doth feed , And , if there be need , Spent spirits restoreth again . Tobacco infused May safely be used For purging , and killing of lice : Not so much as the ashes But heals cuts and slashes , And that out of hand , in a trice . The Poets of old , Many fables have told , Of the Gods and their Symposia : But Tobacco alone , Had they known it , had gone For their Nectar and Ambrosia . It is not the smack Of Ale , or of Sack , That can with Tobacco compare : For taste , and for smell , It bears away the bell From them both where ever they are . For all their bravado , It is Trinidado That both their noses will wipe Of the praises they desire , Unlesse they conspire To sing to the tune of his pipe . Turpe est difficiles habere nug●s . A Farewell to Sack. FArewell thou thing , time past so true and dear To me , as bloud to life , and spirit , and near , Nay thou more near then kindred , friend , or wife , Male to the female , soule to the body , life To quick action , or the warm soft side Of the yet chast , and undefiled Bride . These and a thousand more could never be More near , more dear , then thou wert once to me . 'T is thou above , that with thy mystick faln Work'st more then Wisdome , Art , or Nature can ; To raise the holy madnesse , and awake The frost bound-blood and spirits , and to make Them frantick with thy raptures , stretching through The soul● like lightning , & as active too . But why , why doe I longer gaze upon Thee , with the eye of admiration , When I must leave thee , and inforc'd must say , To all thy witching beauties , Goe away ? And if thy whimpring looks do ask me , why ? Know then , 't is Nature biddeth thee hence , not I ; 'T is her erroneous selfe hath form'd my brain , Uncapable of such a Soverain , As is thy powerfull selfe ; I prethee draw in Thy gazing fires , lest at their sight the sin Of fierce Idolatry shoot into me , and I turn Apostate to the strict command Of Nature ; bid me now farewell , or smile More ugly , lest thy tempting looks beguile My vows pronounc't in zeal , 〈◊〉 thus much shows thee , That I have sworn , but by thy looks to know thee Let others drink thee boldly , and desire Thee , and their lips espous'd , while I admire And love , but yet not tast thee : let my Muse Faile of thy former helps , and onely use Her inadulterate strength , what 's done by me , Shall smell hereafter of the Lamp , not thee . A fit of Rime against Rime . Rime the rack of finest wits , That expresseth but by fit● True conceit . Spoyling senses of their treasure , Cousening judgement with a measure , But false weight . Wresting words from their true calling , Propping Verse for fear of falling To the ground . Joynting syllables , drowning letters , F●st●ing vowels , as with fetter● They were bound . Soon as lazie thou wer 't known , All good Poetry hence was flown , And art banish'd . For a thousand years together , All Parnassus green did wither . And wit vanish'd . Pegasus did fly away , At the wells no Muse did stay , But bewayl'd . So to see the fountaine dry , And Apollo's Musick dye ; All light fail'd ! S●arveling Rimes did fill the stage , Not a Poet in an age Worth crowning . Not a work deserving Bayes , Nor a l●ne deserving praise ; Pallas frowning . Greek was free from Rimes infection , Happy Greek by this protection Was not spoyled . Whilst the Latine , Queen of Tongues , Is not free from Rimes wrongs ; But 〈◊〉 soiled . Scarce the hill againe doth flourish , Scarce the world a wit doth nourish , To restore , Phaebus to his Crown again ; And the Muses to their brain , As before . Vulgar languages that want Words , and sweetnesse , and be scant Of true measure , Tyran Rime hath so abused , That they long since have refused Other ceasure . He that first invented thee , May his joynts tormented be , Cramp'd for ever . Still may syllables joyn with time , Still may reason war with rime , Resting never . May his sense when it would meet , The cold ●umor in his feet , Grow unsounder . And his title be long foole , That in rearing such a Schoole , Was the Founder . A Letany . From a proud Woodcock , and a peevish wife , A pointlesse Needle , and a broken Knife , From lying in a Ladies lap , Like a great foole that longs for pap , And from the fruit of the three corner'd tree , Vertue and goodnesse still deliver me . From a conspiracy of wicked knaves , A knot of villains , and a crew of slaves , From laying plots for to abuse a friend , From working humors to a wicked end , And from the wood where Wolves and Foxes be , Vertue and goodnesse still deliver me . From resty Bacon , and ill rosted E●les , And from a madding wit that runs on wheeles , A vap'ring humour , and a beetle head , A smoky chimney , and a lowsie bed , A blow upon the elbow and the knee , From each of these , goodnesse deliver me . From setting vertue at too low a price , From losing too much coyn at Cards and Dice . From surety-ship , and from an empty purse , Or any thing that may be 〈◊〉 worse ; From all such ill , wherein no good can be , Vertue and goodnesse still deliver me . From a foole , and serious toyes , From a Lawyer three parts noise ; From impertinence like a Drum Beat at dinner in his room , From a tongue without a file , Heaps of Phrases and no 〈◊〉 , From a Fiddler out of tune , As the Cuckoo is in Iune . From a Lady that doth breath Worse above , then underneath . From the bristles of a Hog , Or the ring-worm in a Dog : From the courtship of a bryer , Or St. Anthonies old fire . From the mercy of some Jaylors , From the long bills of all Taylors , From Parasites that will stroak us , From morsells that will choak us , From all such as purses cut , From a filthy durty slut , From Canters and great eaters , From Patentees and Cheaters , From men with reason tainted , From women which are painted , From all far-fetch'd new fangles , From him that ever wrangles , From rotten Cheese , and addle Eggs , From broken shine , and gowty Leggs , From a Pudding hath no end , From bad men that never mend , From the Counter or the Fleet , From doing penance in a sheet , From Jesuites , Monk● , and Fryers , From hypocrites , knaves , and lyers , From Romes Pardons , Bulls , and Masses , From Bug-bears , and broken Glasses , From Spanish Pensions and their spies , From weeping Cheese with Argus eyes , From forain foes invasions , From Papisticall perswasions , From private gain , by publick losse , From coming home by weeping crosse , From all these I say agen , Heaven deliver me , Amen . The Gypsies . The Captain sings . FRom the famous Peake of Darby , And the Devills-arse there hard-by , Where we yearly keep our Musters , Thus the Aegyptians throng in clusters . Be not frighted with our fashion , Though we seem a tattered Nation ; We account our raggs , our riches , So our Tricks exceed our stitches . Give us Bacon , rinds of Wallnuts , Shells of C●ckels , and of small Nuts ; Ribands , b●ll● , and saffrand linnen , All the world is ours to win in . Knacks we have that will delight you , Slight of hand that will invite you . To endure ou● tawny faces Quit your places , and not cause you cut your laces . All your fortunes we can tell yee , Be they for the back or belly ; In the Moods too and the Tences , That may fit your fine five senses . Draw but then your gloves we pray you , And ●it still , we will not fray you ; For though we be here at Burley , Wee 'd be loath to make a hurley . Another sings . STay my sweet Singer , ●he touch of thy finger , A 〈◊〉 and linger ; For me that am bringer Of bound to the border , The rule and Recorder , And mouth of the order , As Pri●t of the Game , And Prelate of the same . There 's a Gentry Cove here , Is the top of the shiere , Of the Bever Ken , A man among men ; You need not to feare , I have an eye , and an eare That turns here and there , To look to our geare . Some say that there be , One or two , if not three , That are greater then he . And for the Rome-Mor●s , I know by their Ports And their jolly resorts They are of the sorts That love the true sports Of King Ptolomeus , Or great Coriphaeus , And Queen Cleopatra , The Gypsies grand Matra . Then if we shall shark it , Here Faire is , and Market . Leave Pig Py and Goose , And play fast and loose , A short cut and long , Some inch of a Song , Pythagoras lot , Drawn out of a pot ; With what says Alkindus And Pharaotes Indus , Iohn de Indagine With all their Pagine , Of faces and Palmestrie , And this is All mysterie . Lay by your Wimbles , Your boring for Thimbles , Or using your nimbles , In diving the Pockets , And sounding the sock●ts Of Simper the Cocke●s ; Or angling the purses , Of such as will curse us ; But in the strict duell Be merry , and cruell , Strike faire at some Jewell That mine may accrew well For that is the fuell , To make the Towne brew well , And the Pot wring well , And the braine sing well , Which we may bring well About by a string well , And doe the ●hing well . It is but a straine Of true legerdemaine , Once twice and againe . Or what will you say now ? If with our fine play now , Our knack and our dances , We work on the Fancies Of some of your Nancies . These trinckets , and tripsies ▪ And make 'em turn Gypsies . Here 's no Justice Lippus Will seek for to nip us , In Cramp-ring or Cippus , And then for to strip us , And after to whip us . His justice to vary , While here we doe tarry But be wise , and wary And we may both carry The Kate and the Mary , And all the bright ae'ry . Away to the Q●arry . Or durst I goe further In method and order , There 's a Purse and a Seale , I have a great mind to steale . That when our tricks are done , We might seale our own pardon ; All this we may doe , And a great deal more too , If our brave Ptolomee , Will but say follow me . To those that would be Gypsies too . FRiends not to refell ye , Or any way quell ye , To buy or to ●ell ye , I onely must tell ye , Ye aim at a Mystery Worthy a History ; There 's much to be done , Ere you can be a Sonne , Or brother of the Moone . 'T is not so soone Acquir'd as de●ir'd . You must be Ben-bousie , And sleepy and drowsie , And lasie , and lowsie , Before ye can rouse ye , In shape that arowse ye . And then you may stalk The Gypsies walk ; To the Coops and the Pens . And bring in the Hens , Though the Cock be sullen For losse of the Pullen : Take Turkie , or Capon , And Gammons of Bacon , Let nought be forsaken ; We 'l let you goe loose Like a Fox to a Goose , And shew you the stye Where the little Pigs lye ; Whence if you can take One or two , and not wake The Sow in her dreams , But by the Moon beam● ; So warily hie , As neither doe cry . You shall the next day Have license to play At the hedge a flirt For a sheet or a shirt ; If your hand be light , I 'le shew you the slight Of our Ptolomies knot , It is , and 't is not . To change your complexion With the noble confection Of Wallnuts and Hogs-grease , Better then Dogs-grease : And to milk the kine , Ere the milkmaid fine Hath opened her ●●ne . Or if you desire To spit , or fart fire , I le teach you the knacks , Of eating of flax ; And out of their noses , Draw ribbands and posies . And if you incline To a cup of good wine , When you sup or dine ; If you chance it to lack , Be it Claret or Sack ; I le make this snout , To deale it about , Or this to run out , As it were from a spout . A Farewell to Folly. FArewell , ye gilded follies , pleasing troubles ; Farewell , ye honor'd rag● , ye christall bubles ; Fame's but a hollow Eccho ; Gold , poor clay ; Honour , the darling , but of one short day ; Beauties chief Idoll , but a damask skin ; State , but a golden Prison to live in , And torture free-born minds ; imbroydred trains , But goodly Pageant● ? proudly swelling vains , And blood alal'd to greatnesse , is but loane , Inherited , not purchast , not our owne . Fame , Riches , Honour , Beauty , State , Trains , Birth ▪ Are but the fading blessings of the Earth , I would be rich , but see man too unkinde ; Digs in the bowels of the richest Mine . I would be great , but yet the Sun doth still Levell his beams against the rising hill . I would be faire , but see the Champion proud , The worlds faire eye , oft setting in a cloud . I would be wise , but that the Fox I see Suspected guilty , when the Fox is free . I would be poor , but see the humble grasse Trampled upon , by each unworthy asse . Rich , hated ; wise , suspected ; scorn'd if poor ; Great , fear'd ; fair , tempted ; high , still envide more . Would the world then , adopt me for her heire ; Would beauties Queen , entitle me the faire ; Fame , speak me honours Minion ; and could I With Indian-Angels , and a speaking eye , Command bare heads , bow'd knees , strike Justice dumbe , As well as blind and lame , and give a tongue To stones by Epitaphs ; be call'd great Master ; In the loose lines of every Poetaster ; Could I be more , then any man that lives ; Great , Wise , Rich , Faire , all in superlatives : Yet I these favours , would more free resigne , Then ever fortune would have had them mine . I count one minute of my holy leasure , Beyond the mirth of all this earthly pleasure . Welcom pure thoughts , welcom ye carelee groves ; These are my guests ; this is the Court age loves . The winged people of the skies shall sing Me Anthems , by my sellers gentle spring . Divinity shall be my Looking-glasse , Wherein I will adore sweet vertues face . Here dwels no heartlesse loves , no pale-fac't fears , No short joyes purchast with eternall tears . Here will I sit and sigh my hot youths folly ; And learn to affect an holy Melancholy : And if contentment be a stranger , then I le ne'r look for it but in heaven agen . An Invitation to the Reader . HAving now fed thy youthfull frencies , with these Juvenilian Fancies ; let me invite thee ( with my selfe ) to sing Altiora peto . And then to meet with this thy noble resolution ; I would commend to thy sharpest view and serious consideration ; The Sweet Caelestiall sacred Poems by Mr. Henry Vaughan , intituled Silex Scintillans . There plumes from Angels wings , he 'l lend thee , Which every day to heaven will send thee . ( Heare him thus invite thee home . ) If thou wouldst thither , linger not , Catch at the place , Tell youth , and beauty , they must rot , They 'r but a Case : Loose , parcell'd hearts will freeze ; the Sun With scatter'd locks Scarce warm● , but by contraction Can heat Rocks ; Call in thy powers ; run , and reach Home with the light ; Be there , before the shadows stretch , And span up nighs ; Follow the Cry no more : there is An ancient way All strewed with flowers and happinesse , And fresh as May ; There turn , and turn no more ; let wits , Smile at faire eyes , Or lips ; but who there weeping sits , Hath got the prize . FINIS . 1654. 
A95862	----	Versatile ingenium, The Wittie companion, or Jests of all sorts. From citie and countrie, court and universitie. : With an account of the life of the laughing philosopher Democritus of Abder̀a. / By Democritus Junior. Burton, Robert, 1577-1640. 1679 Approx. 400 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 121 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2008-09 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A95862 Wing V257A ESTC R185956 43077732 ocm 43077732 151844 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A95862) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 151844) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English Books, 1641-1700 ; 2278:12) Versatile ingenium, The Wittie companion, or Jests of all sorts. From citie and countrie, court and universitie. : With an account of the life of the laughing philosopher Democritus of Abder̀a. / By Democritus Junior. Burton, Robert, 1577-1640. [8], 232 p. Printed by Stephen Swart, at the crowned Bible, near the Exchange., Amsterdam, : Anno 1679. Page 198 incorrectly numbered 196. Reproduction of original in: William Andrews Clark Memorial Library, University of California, Los Angeles, California. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. Gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. 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Copies of the texts have been issued variously as SGML (TCP schema; ASCII text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable XML (TCP schema; characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless XML (TEI P5, characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or TEI g elements). Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng Democritus. English wit and humor -- Early works to 1800. 2007-05 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2007-05 Apex CoVantage Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2007-06 Pip Willcox Sampled and proofread 2007-06 Pip Willcox Text and markup reviewed and edited 2008-02 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion VERSATILE INGENIUM , The Wittie COMPANION , Or Jests of all Sorts . From Citie and Countrie , Court and Universitie . With an account of the Life of the laughing Philosopher DEMOCRITUS of ABDERA . By DEMOCRITUS Junior . — De Sapientibus alter Ridebat , quotiès à limine moverat unum Protuler atque pedem . Juv. Sat. Utere Convivis non tristibus , utere amicis , Quos nugae & risus & joca salsa juvant . Schol. Salern . de conserv . valetud . AMSTERDAM , Printed by Stephen Swart , at the crowned Bible , near the Exchange . ANNO 1679. On The Collection of Jests , entitled , The Wittie Companion , or Jests of all sorts , Tvvo Rustics Talking . I Tell thee Bob , where I have been , Where I the rarest Jests have zeen , ô Jests without compare ; Such Jests again cannot be shown In Oxford , no , nor Cambridg town They be so verie rare : I yesterday did go to buy ▪ A Book ( thou know'st for thee and I ) Of something that was prettie , And when Poor Robins Jests I saw , Me thoughts th'were old and lean and raw , Not like his Almanacs wittie . I then did ask for ALL SORTS OF JESTS , Which Bob thou know'st come from the breasts Of MANY that are wittie : The Man to me did then confess , They were not yet come out o' th' Press ; Quoth I , the more 's the pittie : At last he shew'd the verie copie Of that i' th' press : I am a verie puppie , Bob , if e're the like was zeen , Before I half a score had read , With laughing ( if it may be zed ) I 'd like to have broke my spleen . I then did ' point to read 'em o're , Such Jests I never heard before , 'Fore George 't is true our Bob : And e're that I had read 'em half , I found I was so great with laugh , I thought my zides would squobb : Then hey for this Book now I zay , Evaith I long to zee the day That it shall printed be , Then thee and I will each buy one For our two Sweet-hearts , Nell , and Jone , For Mirth and Melodie . The Book-seller to the Intelligent Reader . WEre there books written of the smallest matters , there would be hardly any use of experience ; says a great Person : for as reading is a converse with the wise , so action for the most part is a commerce with fools ; there being in human nature generally more of the fool than of the wise , upon which account those qualities or endowments which take the weaker part of mens minds are observed to prevale infinitly , if practis'd seasonably : such Books therefore are to be esteem'd not as altogether unprofitable that doe awaken our reason , subtilize our wits , and marshal our conceptions of things : a wittie conceit being oftentimes a good convoy of truth , which otherwise could not so handsomly be ferried over : and amidst affairs transacted in the world , it is a matter more politic than one would think smoothly to pass from Jeast to Earnest , and from Earnest to Jeast : yet let me advertise you by the by , that certain things there are which ought to be priviledged from Jeasts ; namely , Religion , Matters of State , great persons any mans present business of importance , and any case that deserveth pittie : tho the present collection being indeed as a Speculum Microcosmi , kind of prospect into the manners , humors and dispositions of men in general , may well be excus'd if in some few places it does not in every point so exactly quadrate to the intentions specified ; it may suffice that we here see what heretofore have been the subjects of human wit , and that we now know for the future what ought not to be , Fare well then — Rest you merrie , don't slite us , Not one page is here for Heraclitus , Be not so grave as Cato was to come To a public mirth , and so quit the room , Quit rather your turbid cares once with us Consult the writing of Democritus ; These pages per-us'd we can't but agree , RATIONALE is RISIBILE . A brief Memorial of the life of Democritus the Philosopher , from the writings of Hippocrates , Laërtius , and others . DEmocritus the famous Philosopher of Abdèra , was instructed first by the Magi and Chaldeans ; afterwards became the Disciple of Anaxagoras : the estate left to him and his two brethren being divided , his part came to an hundred talents ; this portion encouraged him to trrvel to Aethiopia , to Egypt , and some say to the Indies ; cercertain it is great knowledg he attain'd to in Philosophie both Natural and Moral ; great experience he had in the Mathematics , and all the liberal Sciences , being thus accomplished he grew at last so far in love with himself , that his solitude became his most real pleasure , all the various affairs of the general part of man-kind being to his Philosophic mind nothing more than a diversion from serious thoughts , a wild farce and rediculous Scene of things , he conld never consider the many little concerns of the multitude , or once look into the Labyrinth of the busie world , but he presently brake into a laughter to see How busily about the streets men run , Some to un-do , and some to be un-don . But it seems this same self-pleasing humour carried him at last too far , so that the citizens of Abdèa for some time knew not well what to think of him , and at last concluded him absolutely mad ; they much lamented his condition exceeding loath they were that a person of so great worth should so mis-carry and be quite lost amongst them ; they met together , and the result of their consult was to send for Hippocrates , the greatest Physician the world then had ( or perhaps may ever have ) to undertake his recovery . The Physician came , and the people flock'd about him , entreating him to use the uttermost of his art : He visited the patient , whom he found in his garden , all alone under a Plane tree , without either stockings or shoose , with books before him intent at his study , haveing dissected several sorts of creatures which lay before him : Sir , said Hippocrates , I am glad to see you so well employ'd , I pray to what end are all these dissections ? of late , answer'd he , I have been very curious to find out the true causes of Madness and Melancholy , and on this account it is that you see so many different Anatomies lie before me ; Happy man , said Hippocrates , who can take to himself so much leasure thus to contemplate the works of God and Nature : and are not you too that happy man who can assume to your self so much leasure when you please , replied Democritus ? I wish indeed I were , said he ; but how many concerns at home , how many affairs abroad of a quite different nature am I to look into and dispatch for my self and others ? this neighbour or that friend , a necessarie , or a complemental visit , the health of this or the diseases of that , a wedding on the one hand , or a funeral on the other , wife , children , servants , such things as these take up the greatest portions of my time : at the hearing of this Democritus so profusely laughed , that Hippocrates startled at it , and ask'd him the reason of it : can any man , says he , of reason forbear laughing at the contradictory vanities and absurd humours of men ? how emptie are they of wit and virtue , and what a bustle and stir do they make for gold ? what end is there of their ambition ? what infinite pains for a short pageantrie , a little glory , to acquire wealth or honour , tho their lifes are paid down in the purchase ! some fancie an empire over dogs , and some over horses , some are for governing their wives , if they can , and some for ruleing provinces . How many have even doted on their new brides , and yet ere long have forsaken them or wish'd them dead ; and how many parents have given up their children to the worlds mercie , and yet by all means imaginable they must endeavour after wealth , tho when 't is obtein'd 't is not enjoyed , but either hoarded up or viciously spent , perverting that to the destruction of body and torment of mind which is design'd to sustein in the one & solace the other : what truth , what Justice is to be found amongst them ? one pleads this and the other pleads that , they are going thurrow the world , and all the way they pass they pull and hale and quarrel for that which they are leaving ; and what is most of all to be laugh'd at is that those that are nearest their journeys end are the most sollicitous and greedy of all , so earnestly grasping at what they cannot retain , with one foot in the grave laying a dead hold on that of which they can have no possession after death . When after this manner he had represented the ridiculous contrarieties that are every where to be found in the world , his Physician percieved that he had not to do with a sick man ; all his discourse proveing so sound and rational ; Divine Democritus , said he , surely all the world is mad but thee , and haveing took his leave of him , he declared to those that had committed Democritus to his care , that tho the Philosopher appeared indeed somewhat negligent as to his attire and diet , yet that the world had not a more judicious , learned , or more generous spirited man than he , and that for the future any ones fancy to the contrarie should be to him one certain sign of that persons not being in his right wits who concieved so . The fame of Democritus his learning afterwards grew very much in the world ; his predictions of future things were wonderfull ; and particularly his skill in Physiognomy rendred Hippocrates himself an admirer of him ; amidst manie one famous instance upon this account we may well take notice of ; 't was this ; A Maid came to him one day , and he call'd her Virgin , she came to him the next day immediatly after , and he call'd her woman , and told her that he percieved she had lost her Maiden-head since shee had been last with him . He was honoured with great presents and verie magnificent statues : he protracted his death three days by smelling too hot breed ; died near the 80th Olympiad , having lived an 109 years ; and had a very sumptuous funeral at the public charge of the citizens . H. C. The WITTIE COMPANION . Democritus Junior , in conference with four Philosophie wits , resolving the Question , who are the most ingenious of the world ? BY Ingenious , I concieve , are meant inventive , subtle , or acute persons , so that he that understands , discourses , and exercises the functions of the soul more subtly than an other is styled ingenious , thus Apelles , when otherwise unknown , was discovered by a third line , which he drew upon two others , so small , that none but he could have drawn it : And in a dispute he that best distinguishes a term confounded by the Antagonist , passeth for the most subtle and ingenious ; So likewise does any Artificer , that makes the most subtle and curious pieces of work , as Mark Scaliot , a black-smith of London , made a pad-lock of iron , steel , and bras of eleven several pieces , with a key , all clean wrought , which weighed but one grain of gold , ( which is but one wheat corn ) he made too a chain of gold of forty three lincks , to which chain the lock and key being fastened , and put about a fleas neck , the flea drew it all with ease ; and lock , key , chain , and flea altogether weighed but one grain and an half . Jo. Tredeskins Ark , in Lambeth , shews many instances of this nature : Non minori miraculo in parvis ludit natura quàm in magnis , says Cardan , and we may justly say , that art as well as nature is never more wonderfull , than in the smallest pieces ; for as they that can perceive the least objects , are most clear sighted , so minds not contented to be taken up with vulgar thoughts , or to concieve common and gross things , are to be reputed the most ingenious ; and upon this account the choleric complexion and southern people , whose climate produces that humor most , are to be esteem'd the greatest witts . To which 't was answered . That if ingenuity consisted only in subtlety , there would be none in making a Colossus , in erecting glorious palaces , and contriveing the most magnificent structures of the world , wherein surely there is far more than in little trinckets , which become useless by being too fine : and as he , that distinguishes pertinently in a dispute , is reputed ingenious , so is he no less , who entangles the Respondent by confounding things which ought to be separated ; and likewise in the practise of affairs , things too subtle pass for Chimeras , and are never put in execution ; nor is he to be accounted the best limner , that draws always only the finest strokes : Much less probable is it , that the Choleric are more ingenious than the Melancholic , since reflection is ever necessary to the makeing of a solid conclusion , which the impatiencie of choler permits not ; and indeed never was there a man of great parts who was not thoughtfull , sedate , and contemplative . And accordingly , northern people being more cold and reserved , will , for a lasting ingenuity , carry it above other nations . An other said , that , considering nations , he conceived that as not only the plants , but also the pearls and jewels of the east , are more excellent and purer than those of other parts of the world , so also thejr witts : the reason whereof is , that the sun coming from the east bestows the first fruits of his own and other coelestial influences upon the orientals ; which influences , like the impression of perfumes , are most vigorous in their beginnings ; and indeed here were the first law-givers and sages of the world . As for temperaments the sanguin have the advantage ; because 't is the most healthfull complexion , and health is the principal condition of a good wit , which cannot so well exert it self in a sick body . Secondly , bloud is the proximate matter of spirits , and he that hath good bloud must have plenty of spirits ; and then likewise this is the complexion of the Amorous , who have been ever esteem'd ingenious , whence that of the Poët , Quis fallere possit amantem ? But if the question be , what exercise or employment hath the most ingenious people , 't is harder to be determin'd ; so great wits being found at this day of all sorts of professions , that 't is difficult to judg of which there are most ; Some prefer Scholastick divines for their nice disputes , looking upon it as admirable how mysterious their Philosophie is , rendering it intricate by explications , and difficult by the aperture and dissolution of distinctions . Others the rational Physicians , for their discourses and conjectures upon the causes of hidden diseases ; Others the Mathematicians , for their curious searches into heaven it self ; or the Lawyers , who manage their affairs so advantageously above others to their own intrest . The third sayd , that absolutely speaking there is no quarrer of the world more oriental or occidental than an other ; these words having been invented only in respect to men themselvs , ( to some of whom one and the same people is oriental , and yet occidental to others ) since the world is round , and all the parts of a sphear are of the same nature . What differences there are , must be taken from somthing els than the four parts of the world ; more particularly from cold and heat : thus they that live under the Poles are of a different complexion both of body and mind from those that are between the Tropicks , and according to this difference the inhabitants of the temperate zones must be most ingenious . Cold being too much an enemy to life , to advance wit ; and excessive heat burns the humors no less both within and without , as the wooly hair , and black skin of the nations expos'd to it manifest . So that 't is no presumption in nations of a temperate climate , to award the preheminence to themselvs in this matter ; operations of the mind as well as the digestions and other operations of the body , requireing a temperate , not an excessive heat . The fourth spake his sentiments thus : Since there are good and bad , ingenious and fools in all lands , to be the one or the other , depends not on the climate ; heaven , from whence the soul descends , being a like in all places ; nor is it likely that professions render men more or less ingenious , since those to which people are lead by natural inclination , are rather effects than causes of good or bad parts ; as for those to which we are perswaded or forc'd , nothing can be inferr'd from them , haveing no affinity with our nature ; lastly , nor doth temper always contribute to render men ingenious , since there are some so of all tempers , ages and sexes . The true cause is the proportion which happens to be between the soul and the body at the first conformation ; whence the surest signs , natural , of good or bad parts are taken from the figure of the body , chiefly of the head , which if sharp never makes a wise man , as on the contrary , large heads and broad fore-heads are good indications of ingenuity , in whomsoever , of what ever country , vocation and temper they may be . But yet , sayd Democritus , I cannot but hold the lawyers in their way , to be the most ingenious of the world , for that generally recieved truth , which says , that what ever hath a begining , hath also an end , is confuted by them , since they render suits immortal ; and instead of the four causes taught by naturalists , they create others without numbet ; and in spight of the maxim which says there is no Vacuum , they make one , at lencth , in the purses of their cliens . Two persons being together in the feild about to leap over a ditch , hold says one , look before you leap , I was just a saying so , says the other , why then good wits jump , says he , and so away they leapt . Demosthenes , with all his oratory and reason could not keep the people from mutinying , even while he was speaking ; at last he bethought himself to divert them with a strange story , and 't was this : There was a man that hired an ass , to carry him a journey , and the owner of the ass was to attend him on foot by , it so fell out that before the journey was half finished , the sun shined so excessively hot , that it grew so intollerable to the rider , that he was glad to quitt the asses back , and betake him to her shadow : upon this the owner of the ass withstood him , telling him that he must ride on , alledging that tho he had hired the body of the ass , he had not hired the shadow , that was not in the bargain , but the owners still , much bustle there was between them , till at last the contention grew even as hot as the sun it self . This diversion prevaled more than all his eloquence beside , and appeas'd their anger when his whole oration could not . A female Citizen sufficiently ignorant in country affairs being told , that malt did not grow , ask'd how it came ? answer was made , that the good women in the country spin'd it , upon my word , sayd she , I thought so , for one may see the very threds hang out at the end of it . There was so great a Sedition at Rome , that the common people all left the city , retireing from it with a resolution uot to return , unless the Senat and the rich citizens would take off the taxes , and impositions , by which the meaner thought themselvs very much oppres'd : Menenius Agrippa , an eloquent man was sent to them , who with the following Apologue or Fable prevaled more than by all other ways of perswasion whatsoever . Upon a time there arose , sayd he , great strife and sedition amongst the other members of the bodie against the bellie : the eyes , ears , hands , feet and tongue , all said , they , each of them , performed their several offices to the bodie : but the bellie alone doing nothing at all , as a king enjoyed their labours , and consumed upon it self all those things , which were purchased with their sweat and industrie . The Bellie could not but confess these things were true , and if it pleased them for the time to come they should allow it nothing . The Members decreed it among themselvs , that nothing should be given to the bellie : when this had been for a little time , the hands and feet lost their strength , and all the other members became dull , sick , and immoveable : so that at last they percieved that the food allowed to the bellie , was of as equal advantage to all the rest of the members , as to it self , and so returned to their former obedience : And so did the people of Rome too , being hereby sufficientlie sensible , that what was reposed in their Magistrates hands , did at last tend to the intrest of the common-weal . The Gold-smiths of London had a custom once a year to weigh gold in the star-chamber , in the presence of the privie council , and the Kings Attorney general ; this solemn weighing by a word of art they call'd the Pixe , and made use of so exact scales there in , that the master of the companie affirmed , that they would turn with the two hundereth part of a grain , I should be loath , said Attorney Noy , that all my actions should be weighed in those scales . The King of France being at Calais sent over an Embassador , a verie tall person , upon no other errand , but a complement to the King of England , at his audience he appeard in such a light garb , that afterwards the king ask'd lord keeper Bacon , what he thought of the French Embassador , he answer'd , that he was a verie proper man ; I , his Majestie replied , but what think you of his head-piece , is he a proper man for the office of an Embassador , Sir , return'd he , it appears too often , that tall men are like high houses of four or five stories , wherein commonlie the uppermost room is worst furnished . A famous Chymist with his associats had long attended upon his art , but could find no hope of profit ; upon which they had recourss to the devil , and enquired of him if they rightly proceeded , and whether they should attain their desired end , the devil returns his answer in this one word , travaillez , which is labour , this word so encouraged them , that they went on , and blowed the bellows at that rate , that they transmuted all they had in to nothing ; so at last , thc chief chymist told them that the word labour signified that they should lay aside Alchymie , and betake themselvs to som honest art of employment , and that it appear'd the part of men purely maz'd and mad to fancy the making of gold in such a small space of time , since nature it self is wont to spend more than a thousand years about it . In time of war a certain Prince , being very vigilant , would , on horss-back , himself go the rounds one night : upon a suddain a souldier met him , who being fudl'd , immediatly laid hold on the bridle of his horse , and ask'd the price of him , for at present , he said , he wanted an horse : the Prince percieving in what condition he was in , caus'd him to be taken into an house , and put to bed : in the morning the Prince sent for him , and ask'd him what he would give for his horse ; Sir , said the recover'd souldier , the merchant that would have bought him yester night , went away betimes this morning . A young Gentleman lay sick of a feavor , his physician came to visit him , and met at his lodging a beautifull lady , ( suspected by bim ) going away as he entred ; he sate down by him , and feeling his puls , Sir , said the Patient , my feavor has newly left me , I find it so Sir , said he ▪ and I suppose I met it going out , at the door , just as I came in . One ask'd a noble Sea-captain , why , haveing means sufficient to live upon the land , he would yet endanger his person upon the ocean ? he told him that he had a natural inclination to it , and therefore nothing could divert him : I pray , said the other , where did your father die ? at sea , said the captain ; and where your grand-father ? at sea too , said he , why then , said the other , are not you afraid to go to sea ? before I answer you , said the Captain , I pray tell me where died your father ? my father , said he , died in his bed : and where your grand-father ? in his bed too , said he : and are not you then , said the Captain , afraid to go to bed ? A Souldier in Ireland having got his pass-port to go for England , as he went through a wood with a knap-sack on his back , being weary ; he sate down and fell to some victuals , upon a suddain he was surprised with two or three wolves , who coming towards him , he threw them scraps of bread and cheess so long till all was don ; then the wolves coming nearer to him , he knew not what shift to make ; he took a pair of bag-pipes , which he had with him ; and so soon as he began to play , away ran the wolves , as if they had bin scared out of their wits : a pox take you all , said he , if I had known that you had loved musick so well , you should have had it before dinner . I have read of a Physician of Millan , who cured mad men , and to that end had a pit of water in his house , in which he kept his Patients some up to the knees , some to the girdle , some to the chin , pro moda insaniae , as they were more or less affected ; one of them , that was well recovered , stood by chance at the door , and seeing a Galant riding with an hawk on his fist , well mounted with his spaniels after him , would needs know to what use all this preparation served ? he made answer to kill certain fowl : the patient demanded again what his fowl might be worth , which he kill'd in a year ? he replied five or ten crowns ; with that the patient with great earnestness bid him begon immediatly , as he loved his life : for , said he , if our master take thee here , he will set thee in the pit up to the very chin . I can see your pride through your thred-bare torn coat , said Antisthenes to Socrates . A Person speaking of the nice distinctions of the schools , and the wonderfull subtleties of some in searching into the most mysterious truths , said that all their curious inquiries prov'd at last like the contentions of Protegenes and Apelles , who should draw the smallest line ; who after two or three essais left this monument of their art , that they had drawn lines so curious , that they were scarcely to be discern'd . A Servitour carrying up a dish of tongues into a colledg hall , just as he came to the table his foot slipt , down fell dish , tongues , and mustard : one much more concern'd than the others at the table , call'd him blunder-buss , and ask'd him whether he wanted eyes : Sir , I beg your pardon , said the servitour , any one might have had the like mischance , you may be sure I did it not willingly , lapsus linguae non est error mentis . A very clownish Fellow being met in a very gaudy suit , one said of him that he look'd like a wooden spoon in a sack posset . A Lady , who had never been at sea , said , surely sailers must be a very devout sort of people , being allways so near danger , yes , said one , that was more used to their society , their devotions rise and fall with the waves . That was an un-luckie Seaman , that in a storm endevour'd to secure nothiug but the brandie-bottle , and the first thing he offer'd to throw over board was his wife , alledging , he knew no heavier burden than she , nor any thing that made him so light as the bottle he secured . There was a discourss at a colledge table , concerning the Marriage of Priests ; a Doctour , who had a face sufficiently red , was pleas'd to maintain only for discourss-sake , that Priests-marriage was not so allowable as some might think it ; at last it came to this , that he who argued on the contrary said that those words of St. Paul were sufficiently plain , and therefore impossible rationally to be contradicted , namely that 't is better to marrie than to burn ; but how shall a man know when one burns ? said the Doctor ; I 'll tell you , said one , ( who had been silent all the while ) by his face . A young Gentleman the next day after marriage of a Lady sufficiently handsom , being visited by a friend , who congratulated his happiness ; he said , he thought himself indeed an happy man , and if he were un-married , he should not think any courtship too much for the obtaining of such a match , though , said he , The thing for which we woo Is not worth so much a do . Suppose , sais one to a modest Gentle-woman , you and I were in a room naked together , which part would you cover first ? your eyes , Sir , said she . Sir Thomas More ( A. 1480. ) was born in Milkstreer at London , the brightest Star , sais an Historian , that ever shined in that viá lacteâ , when he was Chancellor ( in the reign of King Henry the eighth ) he call'd for trial of the next suit , 't was answered that there was none depending , all suits in that court being then determin'd , whereupon one made the ensueing rhimes : When More some years had Chancellor been . No More suits did remain , The like shall never More be seen , Till More be there again . A countrie Tenant invited his Land-lord from the citty to his house to dinner , the provision was a legg of mutton boill'd , with turnips ; his wife for the better entertaining of so great a guest , had thinly besprinkled the legg of mutton with nutmeg and sugar ; what have you don here , said her Land-lord , o dear Sir , I pray excuse me , I did it so in hast , but the box is not far off , so she took an handfull brown sugar more , and strewed on it , saying , indeed Land-lord I cannot make it too good for you . A reverend Person , notwithstanding the gravity of his years , and the dignity of his place , was ever addicted to rallie , scoff and jear at all things and persons promiscuously , spending his jests and droles upon persons though of never so great integrity ; when this wittie man , whose christian name was Jasper , died , one said of him : Quoth Jasper to Peter let in my soul : Quoth Peter to Jasper you do but drole . A young Lad had a mind to know what fortune he should have in the world , the Astrologer told him that he should get his liveing by bauds , whores , bastards , thievs , and quarrellers ; this for the present seem'd very strange to him ; vet more than 20 years afterwards , being setled in a convenient place , he was made a Justice of peace , and then was known to live very worshipfully upon no small fees rack'd out of such delinquens . A worthie Person of a noble and ancient but much degenerated familie , being to sit for his picture , told the limner that he should draw him in a masons habit , with a trowel in his hand , and this motto underwritten : Ad re-aedificandam antiquam Domum . Repairing a decaied House . A wittie Gentleman , more than ordinarily curious concerning his health , desired to know the particular seasons of eating and drinking , whether 't is better to eat and drink most at evening or most at noon ; and the like ; was to put a stop to his present curiosity , & to dispatch al such kind of nice inquirys for the future , briefly answer'd by his Physician thus ; when ever hunger beggs , I suppose Sir , you 'll be charitable and feed her ; and when ever thirst puts a dry jest on you , I hope you 'll answer her as some of you Inns of Court-gentlemen do schollars , by drinking to her . Alexander the Great desired to know who were more in number the living or the dead ? answer was return'd , the living , with this reason , quia mortui non sunt , One sent for a Physician , and told him that he was verie much afflicted with a Tertian ague ; in what manner does it take you , said he , o Sir , said the Patient , I am so troubled with it , it takes me everie day . A Lady told an old Batchellor , that look'd very brisk and yong , that she thought he had eaten a snake he look'd so young , no , said he , 't is because I never medled with any snakes that makes me look so . Lucullus a General of a great armie , being surpris'd by his enemies , and that on an ominous , unluckie day , as all the soldiers call'd it , and were much dis-spirited thereby ; he made a short speech to them ▪ concluding thus : Now , my friends , 't is left only to the vallour and magnanimitie you are maffers of , to verifie the happie dream I lately had , that we are the men design'd to change a black day into a white ; he led them on , they fought accordingly , and the success was answerable . A poor Woman , a natural fool , used ever now and then to come to a conduit in the cittie where she dwelt ▪ and upon the ridge of it would put a looking-glass , and there hold a discourss with her picture ; she afforded huge civilities to this her neighbour , as she call'd her ; with whom she would somtimes consult verie seriouslie , somtimes be excceding merrie ; at last upon being somwhat more finely dress'd as she fancied , than she used to be ; in a verie great furie she broke the glass all to pieces against the conduit , and being ask'd why she did so , she said , her neighbour would never go away first , nor give her the upper hand . An ingenious Person , in dispute at a public act at Oxford , being put hard to it , that he might not appear quite baffled , invented a distinction that was never heard of before , sumitur , s●id he , vel simpliciter vel catapodialiter : the Opponent desired him to tell him what he meant by catapodialiter , to which he return'd , that he stood not there to explain terms , and so the Opponent immediatly pass'd to an other question . A neat but emptie Lawyer , homo in causis agendis bene veslitus , ever well adorn'd without tho not so within ; had the name of necessitie fixed upon him : one hearing it said that was not his right name , to which 't was returned by the other , if it is not , it ought to be , for I am sure he has no law . Mahomet made the people believe that he would call an hill to him , and from the top of it offer up his prayers for the observers of his law : the people assembled , Mahomet call'd the hill to come to him again and again ; and when the hill stood still , he was never a while amaz'd , but said , if the hill will not come to Mahomet , Mahomet will go to the hill . One pleasantly said , that an honest man in these days must needs be more honest than in ages heretofore , propter antiperistasin : becauss his honesty being enclosed amidst contraries , must needs be stronger and more compact in it self . ( Antiperistasis is a repulsion on ever part , whereby heat or cold becomes stronger from being restrain'd by its contrarie ▪ ) Philip of Macedon perswaded the greek Embassadors , that they should invite their citties to concord ; in the mean while one concern'd in the affair could not but laugh at him for his council ; is it not ridiculous , said he , for him to set him self up a Mediator of peace among the greek Republicks , who is always wrangling at home with his wife Olympias . Aesop has a fable concerning the Fox and the Cat , wherein the Fox brags what a number of shifts he has to get from the hounds ; whereas the Cat says , he knows but one ; which in proof is better worth than all the rest ; so that hence came the proverb : Multa novit vulpes , sed felis unum magnum . Reynard the hounds to scape had shifts not small . Grimalkin only one as good as all , What mother Euripides ; what father Demosthenes had was not known in their time ; but that the one's mother sold pot-herbs , and the others father sold knives , all scholars talk of : now , what can be more gallant than the tragedie of the one , and the orations of the other ? Ancaeus , King of the Island Samos , delighting much in husbandrie , once exceedingly tired his servants who labour'd in planting a vine-yard , in so much that one of them faid his master would never tast of the wine of that vine-yard : but when vintage was come , and the grapes press'd , the King call'd for a cup of the wine , and holding it in his hand , commanded that he that had so prophesied should come before him , now , says the King , I shall prove you a falss prophet , o Sir , answer'd he , you know not that ; many things happen between the cup and the lip ; and as he was thus speaking one brings word that a wild boar was broke into the vine-yard , the King in hast threw the cup away , immediatly going to the vine-yard , where adventuring too far in the defence of it , was there kill'd by the boar : which gave occasion to the proverb : Multa cadunt , &c. Many things befal between the cup and the lip . Certainly Oaths are ties of so sacred a nature that they ought not to be violated , when they have been once freely taken , upon any excuse or pretence what soever ; nor can an oath be null'd by any prettie evasion of wit , or by covering our meaning with equivocal or a dubble sense : admirable therefore was the Justice of the Athenian Senate , which condemn'd a debtour in a dubble fine , because he would have defrauded his creditour by a cunning oath ; after this manner ; the mony which he had borrowed , he privatly conveyed into an hollow walking staf , which , when he was call'd to the altar to make oath before the Gods , he put into his creditors hand , desireing him to hold it a little ; which when he did , he thought he might safely sware , that he had delivered him the mony : this trick prevaill'd a long time , but being at last discover'd it cost him dubble charges . No less prudent was the Judgement of the general court of all Greece , commonly call'd Amphictiones ; For when Lysander had made a truce with the Thebans for ten days ; and ratified it by oath ; never the less he stuck not to fall on them in the night : and being accus'd for breach of the peace , he answer'd : the league was made for ten days , and not for ten nights : but this nice replie carried him not scot-free ; being adjudg'd by the court to bear the cost of the warr . The Emperour Domitian is well known to have chang'd his father Vespasians scepter into a flie-flap ; and therefore was justly stiled an enemy to flies , and a flie to his enemies , fighting all his battels in his chamber-windows , a great warrier there , but a great spectator in the field ; one desireing admittance to this Emperor , ask'd one who nearly attended him whether there was any one with the Emperor , answer was made , ne musca quidem , not a fly . A Fowler , in a sharp frostie morning , haveing taken many little birds , a young lad seeing the tears trickle down the Fowlers cheeks ( by reason of the cold ) ask'd his mother , who was with him , whether that was not a verie good man , who was so merciefull , and compassionate to wheep over the poor birds , when they were taken ? nay child said she , we may better judg of the mans disposition by his hand than by his eye . Alcibiades being falsly accused , and flying for the same , one of his friends would needs perswade him to come back again from Sicilie to Athens , and take his tryal for his life , and so vindicate his innocencie ; but he refused it , returning this answer to the court , 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 : 't is safer to avoid the tryal of a false accusation than to escape from under it . One was told that Pope Pius the fifth was dead , how , said he , Pope Pius the fifth ? that 's strange , amidst so many Popes has there then been but five Pious ? Was it not a base kind of flatterie , said one to Aristippus , for you so to prostrate your self at the feet of the Tyrant , when you had so fair and equitable a request to present ? no , said Aristippus , was the fault in me or in Dionysius , whose eares are no where to be found but in his feet ? Joannes Fossa , è nimio Poëseôs studio ad insaniam redactus . Hâc sunt in fossâ Fossae mirabilis ossa : Qui sibi condendo versus cere - comminuit - brum . John Fossa the Poet , overstudied himself and died distracted , this Epitaph was made on him . Here rests Fossa , whose studieing Poesie In pieces his in - brake - genuitie . Queen Catharine of France held a conference with the deputies of the King of Navar , and the Hugenot partie ; her design was to make them quit , before the time agreed on , those places of securitie which had been put into their hands ; to this end she had brought from Paris a man almighty in words ; to whose Rhetoric nothing , till then , had been impossible ; his elegant oration being ended , the Queen immediatly addressed her self to one of the chief Ministers of state concern'd in the treatie , and in a triumphant manner , ( rather to crown a thing done , and gain applause , than that she thought she wanted his opinion ) ask'd him what he thought of the speech he had heard ? Madam answer'd he , with a voice so strong , that it broke the articles of the already half concluded treatie , Me thinks this Gentleman here hath studied very well ; but neither my companions , nor my self are of opinion to pay for his study with our heads . Two Persons , the one decaied in his estate , the other coveteous , were upon election in the Roman Senate for a Proconsulship , Cato stood up and disliked both , Hic nil habet , Huic nihil sat est , the one he said , had nothing , the other would never have enough . He was reputed one of the wise men , that made answer to the question , when a man should marrie , a young man not yet , an elder man not at all ; tho wives are young mens mistresses , companions for midle age , and old mens nurses ; so that upon this account a man may have a quarrel to marrie when he will. A waggish countrie Boy desired his father by all means to take the dog with him , when he was going to buy a parcel of sheep ; why so sirrah , said he , because two heads are better than one . A young Gentleman in the University of Oxford , who it seems was not often given to overstudy himself , told his father , who was a verie learned person , that 't was better to keep companie than read many books ; why do you think so , sais his father , because , sais he , I have no mind to be envied or to be effeminate , and Aristotle tells us that much learning is the cause of both ; in the 21 chap. of the second book of his Rhetoric . A wittie Man , but a notable fuddle-cap , was told by his friend , that his evening excesses in that kind was contrarie to that rule of health : Incipias liquido , sicco finire memento . o Sir , said he , I beg your pardon , 't is Incipias liquido , sic ô finire memento . Sir Robert Cateline , Lord chief Justice of the Kings Bench in the reign of Queen Elisabeth , had a prejudice against those that wrote their names with an Alias , and took exceptions at one in this respect , saying , that no honest man had a double name , or came in with an alias , the partie ask'd him what exception his Lordship could take at Jesus Christ , alias Jesus of Nazareth . Sir Henry Wotton going Embassador into Italie , as he pass'd through Germany stayed some days at Augusta , where passing an evening in merriment , was requested by a german gentleman , to write some sentence in his Albo , ( a book of white paper ) design'd for such purposes : Here upon Sir Henry took occasion from the present discourse of the companie to write this pleasant definition of an embassador : Legatus est vir bonus peregrè missus ad mentiendum Reipublicae causâ : an Embassador is an honest man sent to lie abroad for the good of his countrie . Thomas Arch-bishop of York in the reign of Henry the first , falling verie sick , was told by his Phycisians that nothing in the world would do him good but to accompanie with a woman ; if there be nothing els to be orderd , replied he , I shall chuse to die a virgin , for surely the remedy is worse than the disease : and accordingly he died . ( see Bakers Chron. pag. 60. Polyd. Virg. lib. 11. chap. 30. ) When there was a flying , though false , report , that Pope Urban the eighth was coopt up by his Cardinals in the castle of St. Angelo , a rogish schollar said , jam verissimum est , Papa non potest errare : undoughtedly , then now 't is true , the Pope cannot err or go astray . What do you think of that Gentleman , said one , pointing to a self-conceited phantastic person going by ; I wish , replied he , that all my friends were such as he fancies himself to be , and that all my enemies were really such as he is . Raphael Urbinas an excellent Limner was reprehended by two Cardinals for representing the faces of St. Peter and St. Paul , with an un-becomming and untoward redness upon them : he replied that he had not express'd them in such a paleness and leanness in their faces as they had contracted ( while liveing ) with their fastings and troubles ; but that he had imitated that adventitious redness , which came upon them ( now they were amongst the blessed ) blushing at the manners and life of their successors . That was a remarkable speech of a wise person , delay , said he , hath undone many for the other world : haste hath undon more for this : time well managed saves all in both . There came a young Man to Rome , who in the opinion of all men exceedingly resembled the Emperor Augustus ; whereof he being informed sent for him , being in presence , he ask'd him if his mother had never been at Rome ; the stranger answer'd , no , but his father had : the Emperor dismiss'd him . A Clergie man , who was well known to have chang'd his Religion , or , if you please his opinion very often , was at a visitation complemented by one , who in conclusion told him , that a person of such worthie parts did indeed deserve preferment , and that , how e're it happen'd otherwise , yet his merits might justly claim the highest place of the church ; o Sir , replied he , there are many worthier persons to whom so grand a complement would be more agreable , upon my word Sir , return'd the other , I know not in the whole Diocess one whose merits stand so fair for the wether-cocks place of our Cathedral as your own . Doctor Jegon Master of Bennet colledg in Cambridg ( afterward Bishop of Norwich ) punish'd all under-graduates in the colledg for some general offence ; and the penalty was put upon their heads in the butterie , and because he disdain'd to convert the mony to any private use , it was expended in new whiteing the hall of the colledg , whereupon a schollar hung up these verses on the screen : Doctor Jegon , Bennet-colledg Master , Brake the schollars heads , and gave the walls a plaister . But the Doctor , who had not the readiness of his parts any whit impaired by his age , peruseing the paper , ex tempore subscrib'd : Knew I but the wag that writ these verses in a braverie , I would commend him for his wit , but whip him for his knaverie . The French Embassadors , who were sent to conclude the match between the Lady Henrietta Maria , ( youngest daughter to Henry the Great the eldest being married to the King of Spain , and the second to the Duke of Savoy ) and Prince Charles , had private audience of King James , a little before his death , who told them pleasantly , that he would make war against the Lady Henrietta , because she would not recieve the two letters , which were sent her , the one from himself , the other from his son , but sent them to her mother ; yet he said that he thought the conclusion would be peace , because he understood she had afterwards put the latter letter in her bosom , and the first in her cabinet , whereby , he said , he suppos'd that she intended to reserve his son for her affection , and him for council . In the times of confusion , when the University of Oxford no less than other places of the Kingdom , were turn'd upside down , when Doctors appear'd like Aldermen , and Aldermen as Doctors , a Doctor of Divinity to shew his zeal for suppressing those loyal Gentlemen of the west , who made an attempt to free their native soil from bondage , thought fit to change his gown for a cloak , and rather like Major General than Vice-Chancellor , as he was , at the head of his souldierie ridd thurrow Oxford with his hair fill'd all with white powder : This was not a little discours'd of : so that one said , tho white powder may be discharg'd without noise , yet it seems the Doctors white pouder in his hair , being of an other nature , gave a report through the whole nation . A Gentleman had lead a company of children into the fields beyond their wonted walk , and they being now wearie cryed to him to carrie them ; the Gentleman not being able to carrie them all , relieved himself with this ingenious device , he , said he , would provide them all horses to ride home with , and furnished himself and them with geldings out of the next hedg ; the success was , that mounted fancie put metal into their legs , and they came cheerfully home . Eginardus was secretarie of state to charlemaign , and had placed his affections much higher than his condition admitted , makeing love to one of his daughters ; she likewise affected him exceedingly , and gave him a free access to her person , so far as to suffer him to have recourse unto her , to laugh and sport in her chamber in evenings : it happened on a winters night , being negligent of his return , that he stay'd somewhat too long ; for in the mean time a snow had fallen ; and being about to go forth , he feared to be known by his feet , and the Lady also was verie unwilling that such prints of steps should be found leading from her door ; they were both very much perplex'd ; but love , which can take the diadem of majesty from the greatest princesses , put her now to do an act for her lover , very unusual for the daughter of one of the greatest men upon earth ; she took the gentleman upon her shoulders , and carried him all the length of the court to his chamber , he never fetting foot on the ground , that so no impression of his footing might be percieved . But it so fell out that her father Charlemaign was up late at his study this night , who , hearing a noise , opened a window , and percieved this witty pranck : the next day , before many lords of the court , and in the presence of his daughter and Eginardus , he ask'd aloud what punishment they thought such a servant was worthie of , who made use of a Kings daughter as of a mule , and caused himself to be carried on her shoulders in the night , in the midst of winter thorrow snow ? they all very severely sentenced the insolencie of such a person , and some thought him worthie of nothing less than death . When they had all done , well , said Charlemaign , I now then , Eginardus , give thee two lives at once , take thy fair portress in marriage , she best knows thy worth , who has so well weighed thee . When amongst many articles exhibited to King Henry the seventh by the Irish against the Earl of Kildare , the last of all was this : Finally , all Ireland cannot rule this Earl , then , said the King , shall this Earl rule all Ireland , and so made him deputy thereof . In the reign of King William the second , an Abby being vacant , two moncks of the covent became suiters for the place , offering great sums of mony , and each of them out-biding the other ; whereupon the King looking about , and espying an other monk standing not far off , ask'd him what he would give for the place ; who answer'd , that he neither had any thing to give , nor would give any thing if he had it ▪ but came only to wait upon him back , whom the King should appoint Abbot , well , said the King , thou hast spoken honestly , thou are fitter to be Abbat than either , and so bestowed the place upon him gratis . Philip of Macedon dream'd he sealed up his wifes belly : he expounded it , that his wife should be barren : but Aristander the sooth-sayer told him his wife was with child , because men do not use to seal vessels that are empty . Joannes Martinus , born in Holland , was a very good limner , and being in Italy , he was told by an Astrologer , that when he came to Geneva , he should then die ; he gave not much credit to this prediction ; but it so sell out , that he was sent for to Bern on purpose to illustrate the Jurisdiction of Bern with Chorographical tables . He had almost finished the designed work , and was entred upon that which contains Geneva , when , while he was about the place of the city , and writeing down the name of that city , he was suddenly seised upon with the plague , which all that time furiously raged there about , and so he died , A. 1577. just as he came to Geneva . The Daughter of Polycrates dreamed , that Jupiter bathed her father , and Apollo annointed him , and it came to pass that he was crucified in an open place , where the sun made his body run with sweat , and the rain was hed it . One dream'd that he should be devoured of a long dragon : and a little after a maker of sausages did him much injurie , and troubled him exceedingly . That was an ingenious conjecture , I say not Prophecy , of Seneca the Tragedian , concerning the discoverie of America : — Venient annis Secula seris , quibus oceanus Vincula rerum laxet , & ingens Pateat tellus , Typhisque novos Detegat orbes ; nec sit terris Ultima Thule : Daphida was one of those whom they call Sophists ; and out of a foolish insolencie he went to Delphos , to consult the oracle of Apollo , for no other purpose but to deride it ; he inquired therefore if he should find his horse , whereas indeed he had no horse to seek ; Apollo answer'd , that he should undoubtedly find his horse , dut should be so troubled with him , that it would be his death : the Sophist turned back jesting , as supposing he had deluded the Deity ; but in the way he fell into the hands of King Attalus , one whom he had often abused , and bitterly provoked by his scurrilous wit : the King therefore gave order , they should take him to the top of the rock , call'd Equus , the Horse , and cast him down headlong from thence . One of the Popes was very active at Rome , not only upon the account of present affairs , but ripping up of old matters , for which he appointed a select committie severely to examin accounts and errors pass'd , not only in the time of his immediat predecessor , but others : upon this there was a pleasant Pasquil made ; for , there being two statues , one of St. Peter , the other of St. Paul upon a bridg ; one had clapt a pair of spurs upon St. Peters heels , with a paper on St. Paul asking him whether he was bound ? he answers , I apprehend some danger to stay now in Rome , because of the severe committe , that is lately appointed , for I fear they will question me for denying my master : truly , brother Peter , says St. Paul , I shall not stay long after you , for I have as much to dought that they will question me for persecuteing the christians , before I was converted . Herodotus tells us that the Egyptians do not presently deliver the dead bodies of such , who have been very beautifull , to the Pollinctors to be embalm'd , least an abuse should be committed by any of the embalmers , as once there was ; upon which account Dr. Brown in his vulgar errors says , surely deformity needeth not now complain , nor shall the eldest hopes be ever superannuated , since death hath spurs , and carcases have been courted . Perses the brother of Hesiod had by corrupting some great men gotten from him the half of his estate , 't is no matter , says he , they have not don me so much prejudice as they imagin , 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , the half is more than the whole . Such a vicissitude of things there is in the world , matter being in a perpetual flux , and never at a stay , that a certain Astrologer hath made this subtle observation , if it were not for two things that are constant , ( the one is that the fixed stars ever ●tand at like distance one from an other , and never come nearer together , nor go farther asunder : the other , that the diurnal motion perpetually keepeth time ) no individual would last one moment . Nullum est magnum ingenium sine mixturâ dementiae , says a Philosopher , there is no great witt without some mixture of madness , to which 't was answer'd , nec par vum sine mixturâ stultitiae , nor a small wit without some allay of foolishness . Upon this account it was , that in a letter to Ben. Iohnson , one told him , that he was mad when he writ his fox , madder when he writ his Alchimist ; that he was mad when he writ his Catiline , and stark mad when he writ Sejanus ; but when he writ his Epigrams , and the magnetic lady , he was not so mad . A Countrie man had a suit depending in the Kings Bench , touching a river that came so very near his house , that it used to annoy him ; the Judg ask'd him how he call'd the river ; he answer'd , may it please your Lordship , I need not call her , for she is always forward enough to come to us of her self . Croesus King of Lydia haveing resolved a war upon Cyrus , consulted the oracle of Apollo at Delphos , about the success , whence he recieved this answer : Croesus Halyn penetrans , magnam disperdet opum vim . When Croesus has the Halys past , A world of treasure will he wast . Croesus interpreted this of the riches of his adversaries , but the event shewed they were his own , for he lost his armie , kingdom and libertie in this expedition . Pyrrhus King of Epirus consulted the oracle of Apollo about his success against the Romans , and fell under the like cousenage of wit , for he received this verse for his answer : Ajo te , Aeacida , Romanos vincere posse . Achilles son the Romans may o'ercome . The sense , being ambiguous , might be construed in favour of Pyrrhus , or the Romans ; so he interpreted it to his own advantage , tho the event proved quite otherwise . A Gentleman lodg'd at a tavern , and desired one morning that a Shoomaker might be sent for to make him a pair of boots , and in the mean while , that his land-lord would bring him a pint of purleroyal : the Shoomaker came as the Gentleman and the Vintner ( who was a very smart ingenious man ) were fall'n into a discourse over their wine about Bishops ; the Shoomaker began to talk too , and directed his discourse to the Vintner ; upon which the Gentleman was silent ; their discourse proceeded so far , that the Shoomaker grew very furious , calling the Bishops the firebrands , the panders of the whore of Babilon , and the instruments of the devil , that they were of his institution , not of Gods : hold , hold neighbour there , says the Vintner , do not you know as well as I that Titus and Timothy were bishops , that our Saviour is entitled the Bishop of our souls ? that the word Bishop is as frequently mentioned in Scripture as the name Pastor , Elder , or Deacon ? then why do you inveigh so bitterly against them ? the Shoomaker replies , I know the name and office to be good , but they have abused it , therefore it should be no more : well , well then , said the Vintner , you are a Shoomaker by your profession , imagin that you , an hundred , or a thousand , or an hundred thousand of your trade should play the knaves , and sell kalf ▪ skin-leather boots for neats-skin , or do other cheats , must we therefore go bare-foot ? must the gentle-kraft of shoomakers fall therefore to the ground ? is the calling or the man to blame ? here the Shoomaker was so gravell'd , that he was brought to his last , haveing not a word more to say . Albumazar , one of the greatest Astrologers the world ever had , hath left it in writeing , that by the influences of the stars he found that Christian Religion should last but one thousand four hundred years : so then , he hath bely'd two hundred seventie eight years alreddy , and it will be a lie to the worlds end . An Embassador from Polland address'd himself to a great minister of state at Paris , and complemented him in the latin tongue : when the Embassador was silent , the great states man prayed those that attended to excuse him for not returning an answer , because as yet he never had the curiosity to learn the Polonian language . Secretary Walsingham , and Secretary Cecil were two excellent states men , the one was used to say at the council table , my Lords stay a little and we shall make an end the sooner ; the other would oft-times speak of himself , it shall never be said of me that I will defer till to morrow what I can do to day : these sayings though seemingly contradictory may be reconcill'd by that excellent speech of Charles the Emperor upon affairs of the like nature , ubi desinit Saturnus , ibi incipiat Mercurius , when any business of great consequence is in consultation we should observe the motions of Saturn , which is plumbeous , long and heavie ; but when 't is once absolutely resolved upon , then we should observe the motion of Mercury , the nimblest of all the planets . A country Justice of Peace told the Minister of his parish , that surely Seneca was an excellent Doctor of the canon-law , and that in his book de Beneficiis he had fully handled all matters concerning Benefices : This person was very much Geographically inclin'd , and such an exact surveyour of the world , that he sought an whole day in his map for Democracy and Aristocracy , thinking to find them as well as Dalmatia and Croatia . In Naples there was a certain Person who had abused himself with a goat , and haveing bought an absolution of his confessor , he was ask'd by a friend what it cost him , he answered , I procured it for four pistolets , and for the other odd one I think , I might have had a dispensation to have married the beast . A Lawyer being like to die , haveing , as he said , nothing els to dispose of but his body , bequeathd all the parts of it in legacies , as his skin to the tanners , his bones to the dice-makers , his guts to the musicians , his fingers to the scriveners , his tongue , &c. to his fellow-lawyers . One related a great deal of court-news to a Porter , how such an one was made Lord Treasurer , an other Lord Chancellor of the exchequer , an other was made an Earl , an other was sworn privy Counciller , &c I , I , said he , 't is very likely , yet I am but a porter still . A Roman Prince held always a very great opinion of a certain weak-witted man of his time , whom the pages hiss'd , and whom no body esteem'd but himself , the universal scorn of the court he was , and five and twenty years impertinencies in deeds and words before the face of all the world , could never yet remove the extraordinarie opinion of the Prince concerning him . The reason of this being ask'd , the Prince was pleas'd to return , that he apprehended his secret virtues . A Cook at Westminster had a brave rattleing scold to his wife , and on a sun-day evening , when he came from the tavern , she rung him such a peal , and grew so hot against him , that she had nothing but hell and the devil in her mouth , to whom she often bequeath'd him : the staring husband haveing heard her a great while with silence , at last answer'd , I prithee sweat heart , do not talk so much to me of the Devil , surely he will never do me any hurt , for I percieve I have married his kins-woman . The Emperour Severus had lain a long time sick of the gout ; one of his nobles told him , that he much wondred that he could rule so vast an Empire , being often so indispos'd , so lame and unweldie ; you need not wonder , replied the Emperour , the empire I rule with my brain not with my feet . A Persian Embassador shewed a Captain many wounds that he had recieved in wars against the Turk , afterward the Captain told him that his lordships skin after his death , if 't were to be sold , would not yield so much mony as that of a meaner person , why so , said the Embassadour , because , replied he , it has so many holes in it . A certain Historiographer tells a strange story of one Hans Boobikin , the son of a rich Boor , or countrie-man , in Holland , his father haveing furnish'd him with mony , and put him in an equippage fit to visit handsom ladies in , sent him abroad a fryering , or wooing ; but Hans not being accustomed to such gallantries , and not knowing where to go els , went to his grand-mothers house , where he fell a courting and feasting of her . At his return his father ask'd him where he had been ? he answer'd , at his grandmothers ; God's sacrament , replied the Boor , I hope thou hast not lain with my mother , yes , said Boobikin , why should not I lie with your mother , as well as you lie with mine ? ( 1. ) Two Gentlemen being drinking in a Tavern , chanced so to fall out , that from words they proceeded to blows ; whereupon soon after ensued a suit of Law : The main witness to prove what was done , was the Vintners boy , who being sub-poena'd and sworn at the day of tryal , began to tell his tale in this sort : My Lord , said he , I live at the sign of the St. Pauls head , my name is John , and by reason I draw to Gentlemen of the best wine , they have given me the appellation of honest , so that I am now commonly called Honest John. My Lord seeing him so impertinent in his preface , called to him and bid him speak to the matter , for that was quite besides it . I 'll warrant you , said John , you shall find it to the purpose presently , and thereupon proceeded : My Lord these two Gentlemen came in there to drink , the one of them his name is Mr. B. the other Mr. F. it was about three of the clock in the afternoon , and we had newly risen from dinner : we had to dinner that day a piece of boild powder'd beef , and butter'd turnips , and part of a roasted brest of mutton cold ; I could not eat very much of it , by reason I had gotten a cold with sitting up late two or three nights before . My Lord hearing him flie out thus again in his impertinences , bid him speak more home to the matter , or els hold his tongue . My Lord , said John , I was sworn to speak the truth , and all the truth , and I am resolved to do it : and so went on : These two Gentlemen asked for a room , and I shewed them up into the green chamber , it was two stories high , upon the left hand as soon as you are up two pair of stairs . Honest John , said my Lord , if thou art so called , trouble us not with these impertinences , but come to the matter . I am about it , quoth John , and so proceeds : As soon as they were in the room , they said unto me , now honest John bring us up a pint of the best Canary , which I did ▪ it was of the furthermost pipe but one in all our cellar , and we had no better wine in all the house ; it cost my master four and twenty pound the pipe : as I was going up the stairs , my master called to me , and asked me whether I was carrying up that pint of wine , and I told him to the two Gentlemen . John , said my Lord , that is not the question I asked you , but what passed between these two Gentlemen ? I shall tell you , quoth John , presently : When I had carried them up the wine , and that they had tasted of it , they told me that I was as good as my word , and that it was of the best Canary . But , said my Lord , what is this to the purpose ? Yes , said John , it is to the purpose , and if your Lordship pleases to come thither at any time , I shall draw ye of the same wine , and then you will say that honest Iohns words were true indeed . My Lord seeing no good to be done with Iohn , bid them set him aside , which Iohn took in very great dudgeon , professing he had spoken nothing but the truth , neither durst he speak any thing but what was true , his master bidding him before he came to have a special care of what he said . After some other witnesses being examined , the Councel on the Plantiffs side began to speak in the name of his client , ( as the usual custom is ) saying , My Lord , we came into this tavern with a peaceable intention , only to drink a pint of wine with that Gentleman , where we were by him abused , beaten and misused , and put in danger of our life . Iohn hearing him to say so , could forbear no longer , but stepping up , said , My Lord , that fellow with the Coife there tells a most damnable lie , for he says he was beaten and misused in our house , when ( I can justifie ) that he never was in our house in all his life . ( 2. ) A rich Farmer dying intestate , his son came upto London to take out Letters of Administration of his estate , but being unacquainted with the customs belonging to the spiritual Courts , he went first to a friend of his , telling him , That his Father died detested , leaving only him and two young infidels , and therefore he was devised to come up to London to a Concealor of the law , that he might thereby deminish the Estate . ( 3. ) A Gentleman lodging in a strange Inn , haveing store of money in his pockets , put his breeches under his bolster , when he went to bed to secure them ; but the next morning ( haveing gotten a pretty dose over night ) he had quite forgotten where he had bestowed them ; and haveing fruitlesly searched a prettie while , despairing of finding them , he called for the chamberlain , asking him if he knew what was become of them ? Sir , said the chamberlain , are you sure that you brought any in with you ? Why , quoth the Gentleman , do you think , that I came without breeches ? Sir , said he , if you are sure that you brought them with you , you had best search your pockets , and I question not but you will find them there . ( 4. ) One haveing read a very pithie , learned and wittie dedication before a flat , dull , foolish book , he very much admired , and said , how they should come to be so match'd together : In truth , said another , they may very well be match'd together , for I protest they are nothing of kin . ( 5. ) A Countrie man in Spain coming to an Image enshrined , the extraction and first making whereof he could well remember ; and not finding from the same that respectfull usuage which he expected , You need not be so proud , said he , for I have known you from a plumb tree . ( 6. ) One invited some friends in a complementing way home to dinner with him , which contrary to his expectation was accepted of ; in their way as they went , he told them though they fell short of meat at his house , yet they should have good sauce : which he made good in the performance , for when they came to his house , there was not any victuals , and hunger ( you know ) is of all other the best sauce . ( 7. ) When Gowry ( who attempted to kill King James ) was had to the tower , a friend of his told him , Ah , my Lord , I am sorry you had no more wit. Tush , quoth he , thou knowest not what thou sayest , when sawest thou a fool come hither ? ( 8. ) Another seeing in a play-bill upon a post , A great man gull'd , and underneath , By his Majesties Servants , read it thus , A great many gull'd by his Majesties Servants ; adding to it these words : By my soul as true a thing as ever was writ . ( 9. ) A Stranger coming up to London , chanced to happen into a house of iniquitie , which had the Flower-de-luce to its sign , where he got a clap with a French coul-staff ; whereupon at his going forth , he wrote this verse over the door : All you who hither chance to come , Mark well ere you go in ; For French-mens arms are signs without , And French-mens harms within . ( 10. ) One desired a Painter to paint him the picture of a fair Whore : Sir , said he , you may spare that cost , for if she be a right Whore , she will paint her self . ( 11. ) Two Travellors meeting together at an Inn , had a capon served them in for their dinner : The one of them being very sharp set , while the other ask'd him whether he had a father living or no ? The other answer'd , no ; and withall enter'd into a long discourse , how , where , and when his father died . In the mean time the Questionist had eaten up all the best of the capon ; which the tale-teller at last percieving , half angry said unto him , now I pray you tell me , have you a father living ? He answered , No. Then tell me , quoth the other , how he died : He very earnest at his victuals , briefly answered . Suddenly , suddenly , verie suddenly . ( 12. ) There was a Physician who pretended by his skill in casting of Urines to tell what distemper any man was troubled with ; a woman whose husband had fallen down a pair of stairs , went with her husbands water to this cunning Leach , who haveing by discourse pumpt out as much as he could of the woman , at last guest that he fell down eight stairs ; but the woman makeing it appear that it was eleven , he asked her if there were all the water : she confessing there was some left , O then , said he , there went the three stairs away . ( 13. ) An old Doctor which had been a Protestant in King Edwards days , a Papist in Queen Maries days , and a Protestant again in Queen Elisabeths , seeing a Lady dance a Galliard , commended her danceing very much ; to which she answer'd , That she knew she danc'd well enough , only she could not turn so well as he . ( 14. ) My Lord Maynard kept a fool , whose name was Iack Franck , that went in a py'd calve-skin suit ; he being one day in the high-way , a Gallant came rideing by all bedawbed with silver-lace , who spying Iack , asked him whose fool he was : said Iack , I am my Lord Mainards fool : and now I have told you whose fool I am , pray tell me whose fool you are . ( 15. ) One asked a Lords Jester , what vertue he thought was in a Turkey-stone ; to which he answer'd , That if you should chance to fall from the top of an house , you to break your neck , and the stone to have no hurt . ( 16. ) A Justice of peace called one that was brought before him , arrant knave ; who replied , I am not so arrant a knave as your worship ( and there he made a pause , as feigning to spit , and then adjoyned ) takes me to be . ( 17. ) One told his Neighbour that he had a Pope in his belly ; who answer'd , Better so than to have a devil in my heart . ( 18. ) There was a Maid who had taken a dram too much of the bottle , and not well knowing what she ailed , carried her water to a Physitian , who bid her be of good chear , for , said he , within these few months you shall have the cause of your grief in your arms . ( 19. ) A Countrey-man haveing his wives honesty in suspicion , went one morning betimes to an Astrologer , to be resolved of his doubts ; the Wizard was not then up , and the Countrey-man haveing extraordinary occasion , untrust a point upon the threshold : At last the Astrologer came down , and smelling what was done , in a great chafe , he said , if I knew who it was that did this nasty trick , I would have him severely punisht . The Country-man hearing him say so ; Nay then , faid he , adieu Wizard , I 'll home again to my Jenny ; if you know not who it was that shit at your door , I am sure you know nothing of my wifes honesty . ( 20. ) One went to a Lawyer for his advice without money , but the Lawyer was deaf on that ear ; the man being more earnest with him to have his advice : Will you have your Lamp burn , said he , without oyl ? ( 21. ) There was a Statute in Queen Elisabeths days , that whoever had Mass said in their house should pay fifty pounds : Mr. Ployden being in his heart a Papist ; a Noble-mans Coach-man undertook to bring him into that premunire ; and getting on Priests weeds , went to Mr. Ploydens , who taking him for a Priest , he was there admitted to say Mass : The Council being informed of the business , Mr. Ployden was sent for , and the thing laid so home to his charge , that he confessed it , and deposited down fifty pounds on the table . Then one of the council said unto him , You may see Mr. Ployden what a blind Religion you are nursed in ; fot he that said Mass at your house was no Priest , but only such a Noble-mans Coach-man , Nay then , quoth Mr. Ployden , the case is alter'd ; for no Priest no Mass ; no Mass no fifty pounds ; so swept up his mony , and away he went. ( 22. ) A Gentlemen passing up Fleet-street , met with another Gentleman , who gave him so great a justle , as had well nigh thrown him into the channel ; but recovering himself , he stept up to the other Gentleman , and asked him if it were in jest or in earnest ; he replying in earnest ; Very well , said he , I am glad it is so , for I tell you true , I like no such jesting . ( 23. ) A Countrie-man , who had never been at London before , was gaping into a Scriveners shop ; the Scrivener standing at the door , asked him what he would buy ; Gaffer , said he , what is it you sell ? the Scrivener told him loggerheads : said the man , I percieve you have quick trading , that you have but one left in the shop . ( 24. ) Oliver the late Usurper rideing abroad one day in his Coach , Hugh Peters was mounted on a Steed , and followed after ; it chanced a suddan shower of rain to fall , whereupon Oliver being unwilling his Chaplain should be wet , sent him his coat to keep him dry : Which Hughkin modestly refused , returning this answer to the messenger , that he would not be in his coat for a thousand pound . ( 25. ) Pride and Hewson , two of Cromwels pageant Lords , the one formerly a Drayman , the other a Cobler ; these two meeting together , Pride told Hewson he saw a piece of coblers wax sticking upon his scarlet cloak ; No matter for that , said Hewson , an handfull of brewers grains will wipe it off well enough . ( 26. ) Henry the eighth being abroad on hunting , through the eager pursuit of his game lost his attendants ; at length he wandred to the Abby of St. Albans , where ( unknown ) he dined with the Abbot , and fell so stoutly on , that the Abbot takeing notice thereof , said , he would give an hundred pound he had so good a stomach , for , quoth he , my stomach is so queasie , that I am ready to surfeit with pestle of a Lark , or the wing of a Partridg . The King remembring his words , the next day sent for him up by a couple of Pursevants , and without shewing any reason clapt him in the tower , where he was fed for a fortnight with only bread and water : At last the King sent him a rib of roast beef , on which he fed so heartily , and made so deep an impression , that the King stepping from his Coverture where in he stood to see what the Abbot would do , demanding of him his hundred pounds ; saying , Since I have been your Physitian , and recovered your stomach , pay me my money ; which the Abbot was forced to do . ( 27. ) The same King Henry haveing a months mind to the Abbot of Glastenburies estate , ( who was one of the richest Abbots in England ) sent for him to his court , and told him that without he could resolve him three questions , he should not escape with his life ; The Abbot willing to get out his clutches , promised his best endeavours . The Kings questions were these : First , of what compass the world was about : Secondly , how deep the Sea was : and Thirdly , what the King thought . The Abbot desired some few days respite , which being granted , he returned home , but with intent never to see the King again , for he thought the questions impossible to be resolved ; This his grief coming at last at the ears of his Cook , he undertook upon forfeiture of his life , to resolve these riddles , and to free his Master from danger ; The Abbot willingly condescended . So the Cook got on the Abbots cloaths , and at the time appointed went to the Court , and being like the Abbot in Physiognomy , was taken by all the Courtiers to be the same man : When he came before the King ( omitting other circumstances ) he thus resolved his three questions ; First , of what compass the world was about ; he said , It was but twenty four hours journey , and if a man went as fast as the sun , he might easily go it in that space . The second , How deep the Sea was ? He answered , Only a stones cast , for throw a stone into the deepest place of it , and in time it will come to the bottom . To the third , which I concieve , saith he , your Majesty thinks the most difficult to resolve , but indeed is the easiest , that is , what your Highness thinks ; I answer , that you think me to be the Abbot of Glastenburie , when as indeed , I am but Jack his Cook. ( 28. ) A Milk-Woman in London , that had by mixing water with her milk , gotton the sum of an hundred pounds , to increase it more , ventured the same in a voyage at Sea , but by chance of tempest the ship was cast away ; which the woman hearing of . Then farewell hundred pound , quoth she , lightly come , lightlie go ; I got it by the water , and I lost it by the water . ( 29. ) A young Wench who had taken a dram of the bottle , went with her water to Doctor Trigg , who told her the baker had been too busie with her , and left a pennie-loaf in her bellie ; No indeed Sir , said she , you are mistaken , it was not he , it was my Fathers man. ( 30. ) One by chance spit in another mans face , whereat as being sorry for his offence , he said , I cry you mercy Sir for spitting in your face , but if you please to lie down , I will tread it out again with my foot . ( 31. ) Two or three Gentlemen were drinking together , whereof the one of them was named Sampson ; being in discourse concerning the differences betwixt the English and the Dutch , one of them said , What need we to fear the Dutch , since here is Sampson able to conquer them all ? True , said Sampson , that I may do , if you please to lend me one of your jaw-bones . ( 32. ) A rustical Husbandman challenged kindred of an eminent Bishop of this land , requesting him to bestow an office upon him : Cousin , said the Bishop , if your Cart be broken , I 'll mend it ; if your Plough be old , I 'll give you a new one , and seed to sow your land ; but an husbandman I found you , and a husbandman I 'll leave you . ( 33. ) A Taylor sent his man to a Gentleman with a long bill for some little money due to him , who rather willing to cavil than to pay , in a great rage said : Why Sirrah , does your Master think I am running away , that he is so hastie to send for his monie ? No Sir , said the servant , my Master doth not imagin you to be about to run away , hut he himself is , which makes him so earnest with you and others , to get money to carrie a long with him . ( 34. ) A Gentleman walking over Lincolns-Infields , was followed by a Beggar , and earnestly importuned with the terms of Good your honour , pray your Worship , sweet Master bestow something on me : He to try this Beggars humour , said , that they use to call such as gave them nothing , Rogues and Rascals : No indeed , said the Beggar , not I , I scorn to do it : Well , said the Gentleman , I 'll trie thee for this once ; but the Beggar return'd him such a peal in his ears , that he was glad to mend his pace to get out of the hearing of it . ( 35. ) Two Gentlemens Servants being drinking together chanced to fall out ; and at last , amongst other discourse , fell to vying the nobleness of their Masters ; one of them saying , My Master spends more in Mustard than yours does in Beef . To whom the other replied , The more sawcie men his followers . ( 36. ) A talkative man , who took himself to be a grand Wit , was boasting that in what companie soever he came , he was the leader of the discourse , and that none durst speak in his presence , if he held his peace : No marvail , said one , for they are all struck dumb at the miracle of your silence . ( 37. ) A Gentleman coming to court in his coach , as he was lighting out of it , asked a Page , that retained to some person therein , what it was a clock : Sir , said the youth , what will you give me then ? Why , said the Gentleman , must you have money given you to tell that ? Sir , quoth the lad , I would not have you mistake your self , we courtiers do nothing without monie . ( 38. ) A Controversie in Law was at last reserr'd to a Gentleman to decide , and both parties bound to stand to his award ; the Plantiff , to win him to his side , presented him with a new coach : and the Defendant to gain his favour gave him four brave horses . The Gentleman likeing the horses better than the coach , gave the verdict on the Defendants side : Whereupon the Plantiff asked him how it came to pass the coach went out of the right way : the Gentleman answered , he could not help it , for it was the horses had drawn it so . ( 39. ) One that had often asked an old debt , was still put off with words , that he would pay him ere it were long ; which made him to say , I suppose at last you will die in my debt ; to which the other answered , I have lived now this fortie Years , and am sure I never died in anie ones debt yet . ( 40. ) A precise Gentleman kept a Servant that was a great player at cards , who was complained thereof to his Master by one of his fellow-servants . The Gentleman , who would not endure such wickedness as he thought to raign in his familie , had his man in examination , chargeing him verie deeply for a great Gamester : Sir , said the Servant , I am so far from being a player at cards , that I know not what a pair of cards means . No , said the Gentleman to the tell-tale , did not you say he was a great player at cards ? Yes , and please your Worship , quoth he , he is so , and so addicted to them , that he seldom goes without a pair in his pocket . Upon these words the Gentleman commanded his pockets to be searched , wherein was a pair found indeed . What is this ? said the Gentleman , did not you say you knew not cards ? then pray what things are these ? O that , quoth the man , is my Almanack , which I carrie continually about with me . Pray , said the Gentleman , make it appear how these cards can be an Almanack . Why thus Sir , said the man ; there are in these things , you call cards , as many suits as there are Quarters in the year , as many cards as there are Weeks in the year , as many court-cards as there are Months in the year , and as many spots as there are Days in the year . And is this , said the Gentleman , all the use that you make of them ? No , quoth the servant , I have more uses of them than these ; for when I look upon the King , it puts me in mind of the allegiance that I ow to my soveraign Lord the King ; looking upon the Queen , puts me in mind of the like allegiance that I ow to the Queen ; the Ten puts me in mind of the ten Commandements ; the Nine , of the nine Muses ; the Eight , of the eight Altitudes ; the Seven , of the seven liberal Sciences ; the Six , of the six days that we ought to labour in ; the Five , of the five sences ; the Four , of the four Evangelists ; the Three , of the Trinity ; the Two , of the two Sacraments ; and the Ace , that we ought to worship but one God. Why said the Gentleman , if this be all the use that you make of them , I can find no great fault with you ; but of all the Cards that you have named , you have forgotten one , you have not remembred the Knave , pray what use do you make of him ? O , said the servant smileing , that , and it please you , is your worships informer . ( 41. ) A Citizen rideing with his wife to see the countrey , they chanc'd to come to a place where a Gardiner had hung up some Moles , or Wants upon the twigs of a tree , which she spying , Good Lord Husband , said she , what brave living it is in the countrey , over it is in the city , where we have no such brave things growing as these ! for look yonder Husband is a Black-pudding-tree . ( 42. ) An extravagant Proctor talking unseemly words before a Gentlewoman , she asked him of what profession he was of ? Madam , said he , I am a civil Lawyer : O lack Sir , said she then , if civil Lawyers are such bawdie people , I wonder what other lawyers are ? ( 43. ) At such time when Perriwigs were as scarce as money is now amongst poor men , a Gentleman , who had lost his hair by a fit of sickness , was forced with the first to make use of one of them , It happened that he and his boy that attended on him , rideing down into the countrey , there fell such a showr of rain , which continued so long , as necessitated them to take up their lodging at a paltrie Alehouse in a countrie village , where seeing the weather to prove so bad , he was resolv'd to lie for that night , after some short commons , which went by the name of a supper , the Gentleman was conducted to his lodging-chamber , which was hung with cobwebs , instead of cloath of Arras , his boy also was shewn to another chamber , something inferiour you may be sure to that of his masters , which was also richly hang'd with spiders tapestrie , whilst the Gentleman was makeing himself unready , the maid peeped in at a hole under the door , ( which was made for the Cat to go out and in ) that when he was a bed , she might fetch away the candle . Haveing undrest himself , he pulls off his Perriwig , and sets it upon a stool by him , which the maid percieving , verily imagined that he had pulled off his head , and so conceited she was of it , that she ran down to her Dame , telling her , that the Gentleman , who lodged there , was no other than an arrant conjurer , for she saw him with her own eyes to pull off his head , and set it upon the stool by him , and if she doubted any thing of the truth thereof , if she would go up she might see it standing there at that present . Her Dame , though something a nullifidian of what she heard , yet to satisfie her maids curiositie , went up , where peeping likewise in at the hole , and seeing it upon the stool , she was then of the same opinion with her maid ; and so fearfull they were both thereof , that neither of them durst fetch the candle , but the Gentleman was forced to put it out himself . That night was spent in a great deal of fear , they judging that bad weather to proceed from the Conjurer , and expecting yet worss : but when in the morning they saw all fair , and a serene sky , they changed their opinion , and that though he was a conjurer , yet that now he would do no more harm : Whilst they were now entered into this good opinion of him , one of her neighbours came in , who had lost a horse , whom he judged to be stole , for which he made a great complaint : Hold your peace , said she , I can tell you a way which I warrant you will fetch your horse again : We have a conjurer that is now lodged in our house , who for half a dozen of beer , I question not but will do your business : and therewithal she went up to the Gentleman , acquainting him with her neighbours loss , and desireing his assistance for the gaining him again ; for , said she , I know you have skill in the black Art , my maid and I seeing your head last night upon the stool , when as the rest of your bodie was gon to bed . The Gentleman percieving her folly in her grand mistake , and willing to have some mirth after his wet journey , told her , that for her sake he would do his best endeavour for her neighbour ; and that when he was readie , he would raise a Spirit which should quickly tell him where the horse was . The woman overjoyed at these words , ran down and told her neighbour that he should have his horse again within an hour , and that if he would stay so long , he should see him come galloping to him again in a full carriere : This news pleased the fellow so well , that he resolved to stay . In the mean time the Gentleman was consulting with him self how to bring his purpose the best way to effect ; in order thereto , he told his boy that he must act the part of a Devil ; and to personate him the better , Whilst I am gon down , said he , to speak with him about the business , do you turn your coat the wrong-side outwards , and creep under the bed , where you must lie till I speak these words , Elhavareuna , Phonsonthoohia , Heidon cus Towronus Dungeonis Keptoribus ; then do you come forth from under the bed , and make as hideous a noise with your mouth as you can possible . The boy promised to do as he bad him : and when his master was gon down , he went about his business ; but remembring with him self , that in the chamber where he lodged , there lay a raw bulls-hide left there by some butcher , thought that would personate the Devil far better than his coat ; and thereupon he suddenly fetched it , and wrapped himself therein , with the horns appearing just over his head ; which haveing don , he crope under the bed , expecting the event : soon after he was fixt , came up his master , the dame , the maid , and the fellow that had lost his horse ; when the Gentleman haveing a chalk-stone in his hand , marked them everie one out a circle ; then placeing them therein , he bid them not to stir out of them whatsoever they saw : so pulling a book out of his pocket , he began to read some hard uncouth names , and at last came to those words , Elhavareuna , &c. when the boy made his appearance from under the bed , with a great pair of horns and a bellowing noise : his master , who knew not of his boys new invention for acting the devil , seeing such a hideous thing to appear , thought it had been the Devil indeed , who had come to have punisht him for undertakeing to conjure , and thereupon he ran as fast as he could drive , makeing but one step from the top of the stairs to the bottom : the women and the man seeing the Gentleman to run , thought likewise the Devil was come to fetch them for being spectators , and thereupon ran as fast as he , tumbling down the stairs one upon the neck of another : the boy seeing them all to run in such disorder , thought also that the Devil was indeed come for him for acting his part , and therefore he began to throw off his coverture ; but he had before so fastened it unto him , that seeing he could not pull it off , he ran with it on , when coming to the top of the stairs , the hide so wrapped about his legs , as threw him from the top to the bottom amongst them , when they hearing the horns to make a clattering , so shrieked and bellowed as if the Devil had been amongst them indeed . Sad was the effects of this their conjuring : one had his nose broke , another his shin , some hurt their elbows , some their thighs , and others their backs , the Gentleman lost his perriwig , the women fell with their heels upwards , and to conclude , not anie one of them sped so well , but he had more occasion for a surgeon than a conjurer , ( 44. ) A Countrie-fellow was subpoena'd for a witness upon a tryal of an action of defamation , at a Quarter-sessions holden in the countrey : he being sworn , the Judg bid him to say the verie same words that he heard spoken ; the fellow was loath to speak , and hum'd and haw'd for a good space ; but being urged by the Judge , he at last spake , My Lord , said he , you are a rogue : the Judg seeing the people begin to laugh , called to him , and bid him to speak to the Jewry , for there was twelve of them . ( 45. ) A Barbers boy passing through the Shambles , fell to snapping his fingers , saying , they were all Cuckolds that could not do so : a butcher hearing him , went to try to snap his fingers , but being greazie they would not do , wherefore he went and wash'd them , and then came out snapping of them as the boy had don : to whom the boy said , O Gaffer , 't is too late now , you should have don so before . ( 46. ) A finical Captain kept a man to wait on him : which man being one day , in companie , pulled off his hat , and began his masters health . Some of the companie bid him put his hat on again , telling him his master was a souldier : a souldier ! said the fellow , he is a lyar that saysit , My master is no souldier , he is a Captain . ( 47. ) A Lady of Paris , who was suspected of inchastity , was speaking before a reverend Divine of the French reformed church , that the scripture was very hard to be understood . Why , said the Divine , what can be more plain , than , Thou shallt not commit Adulterie ? ( 48. ) One said , that chuseing of wives was like to drawing in the lotterie , where for one prize a man should meet with twentie blancks : Sir Thomas Moor was want to say , to the plucking by casualitie Eels out of a bag , wherein for every Eel are twentie Snakes . ( 49. ) A Carpenter had married a verie handsom woman to his wife , but that she wearing cork-shooes , it made her light-heel'd . This Carpenter used to work about a mile from home ; but for the love that he bore to his wife , he would everie night come back to bed with her , although as it seem'd she had rather to have had his room than his companie ; for no sooner was he gon , but his place was supplied by another , whom she loved more dearly , his next neighbour , who by trade was a Grocer . It happened one morning , that the Carpenter went forth as he was accustomed ; but before his place was cold , another was gotten therein : he had not gon a quarter of a mile , but there fell such a storm of rain , with likelihood of continuance , tht he returned back again ; and drawing the latch , went into the house : which the Grocer hearing crope out of the bed underneath it as fast as he could . It being not yet day , the Carpenter pull'd off his cloaths and went to bed ; where he had not layn above a quarter of an hour , but that it ceas'd raining ; and the sky verie clear , gave great hopes of a fair day : which the good wife percieving , fearing her lover would catch cold , by being without his cloaths underneath the bed , she jogg'd her husband , telling him now the sky was very clear , and therefore desired him to rise to go to work . The Carpenter , who was verie observant to his wife , did accordingly ; but it being so dark that he could not see , he mistook , and put on the grocers breeches instead of his own : and so going his journey , when he came to his work , putting his hand in his pocket to pull out his compasses , he found there an handfull of money , at which he much marvelled , knowing not how it should come there ; only he thought it was no bad luck to have his pockets so lined ; yet was he in a quandarie whether he was awake or in a dream , he being seldom master of such a purchase . Putting his hand in his other pocket , he found there a bunch of keys , a note-book , and some other papers ; which encreased his wonder more than before : but looking down towards his legs , he saw the breeches were all full of ribbans , whereas his own had never any on them . Not knowing what to think thereof , he resolved to go home again and confer with his wife . In the mean time the Grocer missed his breeches , and telling the Goodwife thereof , they knew not what to do , only she thought it was his best way not to stay , judging her husband had gotton them on , which might occasion his sudden return : and indeed her suspicion herein proved true ; for no sooner was the Grocer gon , but the husband returned home , where he found his wife weeping and wayling and takeing-on most bitterly : he asking her the reason thereof ; O , said she , The Grocer at the next door yesternight brought a pair of breeches hither for me to mend for him , and I being willing to earn a pennie , and not always to relie upon your gettings , took the business upon me , since which time , I know not how , some body hath come in and stollen them away ; but if I knew that cuckoldly rogue that had them , I would have him hanged if it were possible . Then casting her eyes fully upon him , O lack husband , said she , I see you have gotten them on ; truly I was afraid they had been lost , but hereafter I will have more care of such things as long as I live . The husband hereupon pulled them off , and gave them to his wife ; but withal told her , That he had rather allow her two pence out of his days wages , than that she should earn a pennie in such sort . ( 50. ) One was saying , that he thought in his conscience such a neighbour of his was a cuckold : to whom his wife said , husband , why do you say so ? You are such another man. ( 51. ) One told his friend , that the rats had gnawn his hose , asking him very seriously what he thought it signified ? marry , said he , it signifies that your hose is gnawn , but it is not so strange a thing that the rats should gnaw your hose , as it would have been if your hose had eat up the rats . ( 52. ) Two members of the Rump-Parliament being upon the Thames with a pair of Oars ; one of them said , You Watermen are meer hypocrites , you row one way and look another . Marry , replied one of the Watermen , we have not plyed so long at Westminster-stairs for nothing , but have learned something of our masters that sit there to pretend one thing and act another . ( 53. ) When the Rump-Parliament had voted down the keeping of Christmas ; A fellow said , it was high time for them so to do , since most of their printed acts began to be put under Christmas pies . ( 54. ) One desireing a Maid to go to a Gentleman and kiss him : Nay Sir , said she , I 'll nere go to market for that ware , which I can have brought home to my door . ( 55. ) A Barber going to the court , and being at his return asked what he saw ? he answered , The King was verie neatlie trim'd . ( 56. ) One said he would willingly marry , but he would have a wife that was perfectlie good . To whom another said , that if none but such would serve his turn , he must bespeak her , for there was no such readie made . ( 57 ) A cautious Gentleman had refrained long from marriage , because he doubted of the honesty of women in general , and fearing he might have a wench instead of a maid ; which he at length happened upon : for he was married to one reputed virgin , who was with child by another man , whereupon one of his companions said , that he had taken a sure way to marry a maid , for there was one in the mothers bellie . ( 58. ) A Malefactor being brought before a conceited Justice , it was desired by the plaintiff that the Justice would be careful in takeing the officers examination . To whom the Justice replied , I can inform my self by his verie looks : I have taken a hundred examinations in my days of Felons and other offenders out of their verie countenances , and wrote them down verbatim what they would have said : I am sure it hath serv'd to hang some of them , and whip the rest . ( 59. ) A rich coveteous person being chosen Sheriff of a county , not knowing which would be cheapest , to fine or hold , went to a friend of his who had born the same office , and enquired of him what it cost him . The other told him he gained five hundred pounds by the office . Whereupon this coveteous Churl would not fine , but held Sheriff . But at the years end , he found that he had spent a thousand pounds more than he had recieved : Wherefore he went to his friend , and told him that he had spent a thousand pound . Then , said his friend , you have been a better husband than I was : for I gave my Steward two thousand pounds to spend , and he returned me five hundred of it ; which I reckoned gain , because I intended to have spent it all . ( 60. ) A Dog , named Rose , pist on a Gentlewomans bed , at which she being angry did beat the little curr ; one being by excused the dog , saying , Madam , you need not fret so much at it , for it was but a little Rose-water spilt . ( 61. ) A certain kind hearted creature affirming her self to be a maid , was asked by one in the company how she could prove that , another answer'd for her , per demonstrationem à posteriori . ( 62. ) A tinker coming through Cheapside , and sounding bravely on his keetle , to the tune of Have you anie work for a Tinker , a forward Linnen-Draper thought to put a Jest upon the Tinker , there being a Pillory before his door ; told him that he should do well to stop those two holes , pointing to the Pillory ; the Tinker returned him this answer , that if he would afford him his head and ears , that he would find a hammer and nails , and give him work into the bargain . ( 63. ) A Maid being married to an old man , she was very sad all the time the Wedding was kept : A merry fellow being there , to comfort her , said , Be of good cheer , Ladie , for an old horse will perform as long a journey as a young ; she simpering and sighing said , withal stroking down her bellie ; But not in this road Sir. ( 64. ) A School-master asked one of his Schollars what was latin for cold , O Sir , says the boy , I have that at my fingers ends . ( 65. ) A Baker rideing through a Yeomans close , spyed a fat goose , and being a merrie fellow , the lights down , and takes up the goose , and weighing her in his hand , he lik'd her so well that he put her into one of his dossers , and thumping old Brock his Mare with his feet , he began to trot homewards as fast as he could : The goose made such a noise , that the Yeoman was so suddenly allarmed as to observe the Bakers knaverie , who strained his throat , and cryed aloud , Baker , Baker , the Baker made as if he did not hear , but rides home as fast as he could . The Yeoman knowing who he was , got a Warrant to have him before a Justice : The business being examined , the Baker was asked what he could say for himself : And like your Worship , said he , I went to buy a goose , and comeing into this mans close I took one up , weighed her , lik'd her , and carried her home , this man calls to me to bake her , which I have don , and if your worship , or he , loves a goose , truly both of you shall be wellcom to the pye . ( 66. ) One in the telling of a tale haveing brought himself to a Non-plus , desired one of his auditors that stood by to help him out , no , quoth he , you are out enough already . ( 67. ) A conceited Gentleman seeing his wife in a very sullen mood , asked her how she did , she answered him that she was not sick , nor yet very well . Nay , quoth he , then I may even turn thee out of doors , for I only promised when I married thee , to cherish thee in sickness and in health , which answer frighted her out of her sullen humors . ( 68 ) A Gentleman being hasty on his Journey , his friend was over curious in makeing clean of his boots , the Gentleman jestingly desired him to leave off , for , said he , the old dirt will serve to keep out the new . ( 69. ) A Schollar haveing a very little study , and some of his friends desireing him to let them see it , he said , I faith Gentlemen , if you go all in , it will not hold you . ( 70. ) Says an Alderman to the rest of his brethren , we need not to doubt our cause in law , if we can but prove Henrie the second to have been before Henrie the first . ( 71. ) One being to take a journey into the country was advised by a friend of his , not to go that day , for certainly , quoth he , it will rain ; pub , replies the other , you may take your Journey , it is no matter for rain , so that it hold but up under-foot . ( 72. ) One said of a man that pinched his belly to fave his money , that he lived by the air like a Cormorant . ( 73 ) A country Clown haveing a friend to speak with at Chirurgeons Hall , seeing of a mans Skin tanned , said that that Skin would make excellent good Bucks-leather gloves . ( 74. ) A fellow whose cup was overfilled , and so delivered to him , did once or twice very gingerly sip thereof , whereat the company laughing , he said Gentlemen it was too full before , but now 't is very fair , and so he drank off all the rest . ( 75. ) One haveing a son that was an unthrift , ordered him to go a souldier into the Low-countries ; A friend of his meeting him told him that he heard he would go a volunteir , I , I , quoth the intended souldier , much against my will. ( 76. ) A country Curate asking a young Schollar to which University he intended to go , the Schollar answered him to Cambridge , That is a very unhealthfull place , said the Curate , for I think if I had lived there till this time , I had been dead five years since . A Company were talking of an impudent woman that had hit her husband in the teeth with his horns , one amongst them said , what a fool was he to let his wife know that he was a Cuckold . ( 77. ) A Seaman being most dangerously affrighted with a most horrible tempest , did promise and vow that if ever he came to shore , that he would reform and amend his wicked life and conversation , and that he would eat no more powderd beef ; for that it caused him to drink so much . The weather being calm ▪ and the shore recovered , as soon as ever he had stept on it , he cryed out , not without ▪ Mustard , not without Mustard . ( 78. ) A silly country Gentlewoman being got with child by one that was much her inferiour , to save her credit , accused the man of a rape ; whereupon the matter was brought before a neighbouring Justice of Peace , who easily percieving , and haveing before an eye into the business : after he had heard her complaint , how deeply she had been injured , as pittying her he said , alas poor Gentlewoman , I warrant this was not the first time that the rogue ravished you , she , to aggravate his crime , replyed , no I 'll be sworn he ravished me above twenty times , which procured much laughter , and the fellows freedom . ( 79. ) A Schollar keeping of his chamber very close , by reason of his sore legs , was ask'd by one how he could keep in so much , haveing such running legs . ( 80. ) A certain Nobleman sitting at the table , opposite to Scotus that writ on the sentences , a most learned Englishman , amongst other discourse , merrily asked him , what was the difference betwixt Sot and Scot , he answered , Nothing but the table , Sir. ( 81. ) One asking Diogenes the Cynick , what he would have to take a cuff on the ear , he answered a helmet . Another time walking in the fields , and seeing of a man shooting very unskilfully , he went and sate down very near the mark , some asking him why he did so , he answered , Lest peradventure he should hit me . ( 82. ) A Company of Inland Cockneys shot a living Lobster , which was let fall on the High-way , for a serpent , and made a solemn thanks-giving ( if you will believe it ) for their deliverance from it . One of them being somewhat wiser than the rest , took up the Serpent , and invited the Minister of the Parish to dine with him , who being derided for his errour , said , that in all his life time he never saw a black Lobster before . ( 83. ) One that was a Journeyman used to go before his mistress once on a Sunday very formally to Chuch , only to bring her thither , and so to leave her with the apprentice to come home with her again : he haveing appointed that afternoon to be merry at Islington with some of his Comrades , who were to meet him there at the Katharine-wheel , every one of them so furnished with one thing or other , as to make up a lustie collation : As soon as his Mistress was in her Pew , he had like to have committed a grand mistake , instead of her Bible he was a going to deliver her his Islington Neats-tongue , which he had wrapt in a brown-paper ; but as good fortune would have it , he recollected himself suddenly , recovered it again , and put it under his arm : She being almost angry ask'd him what was the reason he did not give her the bible , forsooth , he replied , that was mine , and so delivered her the bible in the green bag , and kept his in the brown paper . ( 84. ) A Strumpet would have fathered a child on Aristippus , to clear himself he said , that she might as well say if she went through a hedg of thorns , that this thorn prickt her . ( 85. ) A Tenant dining at his Lords table , could get no liquor , wherefore he arose , and desired leave to go home and drink , saying , that he would return again presently . ( 86. ) One falling from the top of an house , with his weight killed a man that was under , but saved his own life , the other mans friend prosecuteing the law , and requireing Lex talionis , was adjudged to get upon the house , and to fall down on the Tyler . ( 87. ) A Gentlewoman was in company telling a tale of a Curtezan who was like to be surprized in bed with a Lord , and that they were so near put to 't , that to save both their credits , the Lord was inforced to let her down at a window with one of the sheets : in conclusion , said she , the knot slipt , and down fell I. ( 88. ) A Gormandizer being about to set down at table , complained that he had lost his stomach ; Well , quoth one that stood by , if a poor man had found it , he had been utterly undon . ( 89. ) A Souldier quartering in New-Market , often observed a young country Wench that sold pigs every market day ; whereupon he went to her one day , and desired to see some pigs ; haveing seen several , he said at last , He would have one that was alive , so she shewed him one that she had in a bag . Well , Sweet heart , said he , I live hard by , and must go shew the pig to my Captain , if he like it , you shall have three shillings for it , in the mean time I will leave the price with you . Thus haveing got the pig tied up in the bag , he went to his lodging , and put a dog into the bag instead of it , and returning quickly to the Damosel , said , Trulie his Captain did not like the pig ; and therefore she took the bag without looking into it , and gave him his money . Not long after came a French Monsieur in hast to buy a pig , but not likeing those that were dead , would have a live one . Sir , said she , I have one of the same bigness alive , the price is so much . Well , here is your monie , said he , but how shall I carrie it ? Why for a groat you shall have poke and all . Poke , what is that ? said the Frenchman . 'T is a bag Sir , said she , that it is tied up in . Oh de bag , is dat de poke ? well here is a groat . Thusaway he goes with his bargain home , but when he comes to look in the poke , O de Diable ; says he , is dis de pig ? de Dible take me , if I do buy de pig in de poke again . ( 90. ) One seeing a bare-legg'd fellow run on an errand , said , Do you hear friend , when those stockings are worn out , I will give you a new pair . I thank yon Sir , replied the other , these stockings have lasted me a great while ; I have also a pair of breeches of the same stuff , that never had but one hole in them , and that 's at your service too . ( 91. ) A Gentleman meeting the Kings Jester , asked , What news ? Why Sir , reply'd he , There are forty thousand men risen to day . I pray to what end , said the other , and what do they intend ? Why to go to bed again at night , said he . ( 92. ) One asked , Why men sooner gave to poor people that begged , than to Scholais ? 'T is , said one , because they think they may sooner come to be poor , than to be Scholars . ( 93. ) A countrieman coming to Paris with his ass loaded , the beast stuck in a dirty place of the road ; wherefore the peasant struck him with a stick to make him rise : till at last a courtier passing by , said , How now villain , art thou not ashamed to abuse thy beast so ? If thou strikest him again , I will give thee an hundred blows with the same cudgel . The poor man ignorant what to do , pull'd off his hat till the Gentleman was past , and then began to beat his beast worse than before ; saying , How now mine ass , who would have thought that thou hadst had friends at court ? ( 94. ) A prudent Gentleman in the beginning of the rebellious times , as he lay on his death-bed , was asked how he would be buried ? he answered , With my face downward , for within a while this England will be turned upside down , and then I shall lie right . ( 95. ) One seeing the rump in council , Oh strange , said he , what fine men be these , I could willingly work for such as long as I live . What trade are you pray ? said another ; Why trulie , replied he , I am a Cordwinder . ( 96. ) Two comeing to an Inn , they bid the hostler give their horses some oats ; presently one going down , saw the hostler robbing the horses , for which chideing him , he returned to his companion , that had trusted too much upon the hostlers fidelity : What , said his companion , have the horses dined already ? Yes , I believe yours has , replied he , for as I went down just now , I saw the Hostler takeing away . ( 97. ) A Gentleman haveing lost his sight , his friends often asked how he could be so merry ; Why , before ; said he , I used to go alone , but now I have alwaies companie . ( 98. ) Some merry companions haveing been at an ordinary all day , when by much drink they began to be mad , began at last to jeer one another concerning their Mistresses , whereat one struck the other a box in the ear , and all expected some bloudy event ; but the injured person demanded what the other meant , whether he were in jest or in earnest ; In earnest , said the other , whose collar had carried him beyond the bounds of friendship . The other more considerate and loath to quarrel with his friend , 'T is well you are ; said he , for I like not such jesting . ( 99. ) In the flourishing time of Greece , when young Alexander made the world shake , and the war began to be waged against the Persian Monarchy , the timerous spies told one of Alexander's Captains , That the enemies , beside all their other militairy preparations , brought so many archers against him , as would darken the sky , and exclude the light of the sun ; at which news nothing daunted , 'T is good news for us , said he , that are in an hot countrey ; for we shall fight in the shade . ( 100. ) In Naples a city of Italy , there happen'd in a great siege that endured long , that the Governour made a severe Order , That every man should be put to death , that being above such an age , did not wear a Sword ; but not long after , as he was rideing thro the street , to see how well his order was put in execution , he spied a Gentleman without a sword , and commanded him to be brought before him , then was the order read , and he condemned to die the death appointed , which was to be hanged on the next sign post . The Gentleman , after he had pleaded several things in his own behalf , but could avail nothing ; nevertheless desired this favour , that he might not die so ignominiously , but that the next Gentleman that passed , might run him through with his sword : the request being reasonable , was granted , and the execution prorogued till the next came . Now it happen'd that a young gallant was coming from a gameing house that way , that haveing lost all , so much as the blade of his sword , which was good merchandise at that time , did not dare , in regard of the severe order , to go home , until a wooden one was fitted to the handle : This Gentleman was stopt , and the dying mans case laid open ; but this ingenious person , knowing his own insufficiency , What , said he , must I be a common executioner ? Must I stain my hands in bloud without passion ? and be a reproach to all men ? Nevertheless this argument availed nothing , and kill him he must : then putting off his cloak , he began a prayer to this effect , Thou who seest all the transactions here below , judg I pray thee , and vindicate the cause of those that suffer wrong ; in especial manner grant that if this man here ought not to die , this sword may be turned into wood . Then drawing it forth , it appeared to be wood ; wherefore the dying Gentleman was released immediatly with abundance of joy , and the wooden sword was carried with great solemnity , and hung up in the cathedral Church , as a true link to the chain of Popish Miracles . ( 101. ) In these late times every discourse being of preparations of war , and proceedings against the Dutch , amongst many other questions , one was so curious , as to ask one in the company why the Dutch were called butter-boxes ? 'T is , replied the other merrily , because they are spread over the whole world . ( 102. ) A Valiant Captain , when some of his timerous companions , to hinder the joyning of the battle , told him their enemies were three times as many as they . Are they so , said he , no whit dismayed , then I am very glad ; for there are enough to be killed , enough to be taken prisoners , and enough to run away . ( 103. ) One who had always been very jocose in his life time , when he lay on his death-bed , his chief Clerk came and desired he would leave him a legacy : Here , said he , giving him a key , in such a Drawer , there is that will make thee drink ; not many hours after he died , and the youth greedily opening the Box , found nought there but two red herrings . ( 104 ) A merry Gentleman rideing on the road , saw a boy foul his breeches : Why Sirrah , said he , are you not ashamed to make a fool in your breeches . Alas Sir , said he , you make a worse of your doublet , to button up such an Ass in it . ( 105. ) Sir Roger Williams hearing a Spaniard foolishly brag of his country sallats , gave him this answer , You have indeed good sauce in Spain , but we in England have dainty beefs , veals , and muttons , and as God made Beasts to live on Grass , so he made Men to live on Beasts . ( 106. ) The Standers by conforting a natural that lay on his Death-bed , told , That four proper fellows should carry his body to the church ; Yea , quoth he , but I had rather by half go thither my self . ( 107. ) Were I a Prince , says a countrey boy ; why what then ? answered his companion : Oh then I would eat my bellie full of bacon , and swing upon a gate all day long . ( 108. ) Walking through the city in a great throng , a Person of Quality accidentally lost his watch out of his pocket , of which he complained to his friend ; Alas Sir , said the other , who can help it , time will away . ( 109. ) A learned Gentleman disputeing concerning death , said , It was all one to live or to die . Why do you not die then ? said another ; Because , replied he , it is all one . ( 110. ) A vertuous Gentleman being asked by a knave , what was Piety ? What is that to you , said he , meddle with those things that concern you . ( 111. ) A grave Citizen in London , though not so wise as he should be , talking with some of his Neighbours , concerning his Shop he had then newly rebuilt after the fire ; Truly , said he , I think I have contrived it to the best advantage ; for it h●●h the Morning Sun all day long in it . ( 112. ) 'T was at first , when the fashion of white freeze came up amongst the Gentlemen , especially for rideing suits , that a Wise-acre considering that it was then most in fashion , a lasting and serviceable garment , asked , If there were no black of that colour , for he had a great mind to have a coat made of it ? ( 113. ) Two men meeting in the street and quarreling , it came so far at last that one gave the other a kick in the breech . The people much admired the others patience , inviting him to revenge that injury : What , says he , if an Ass kicks me , must I go to law with him . ( 114. ) The day proveing very windy , wherein one was to perform his journey , who was scarce ever before farther than his street , his friends dissuaded him , saying , The wind would be very troublesome to him . Oh , let me alone , said he , I will ride out of the wind . ( 115. ) One being demanded , Why learned men frequented rich mens pallaces , but rich seldome visited the learned ? answered , That the first knew what they wanted , the later did not . ( 116. ) An impudent Strumpet seeing a poor Countreyman recieve ten pounds , seised on him , and brought him before the Judge , swearing he would have ravished her , nay that he did ; insomuch that the poor man , who never had to do with her , notwithstanding all his innocence , could not clear himself of the accusation ; and still she urged that he ought to marry her : so the business was put to a publick Trial , where at last , I know not by what means , it was concluded that the man should give her ten pounds to clear the business . The poor man , after he had delivered her the money , made such unfeigned protestations of his innocence , that moved the Judge to pitty , and to believe that he was indeed wronged ; wherefore he said to the poor man , Go run after her quickly , and if thou canst get thy money from her , thou shalt have it ; thus overtakeing her , he sets upon her , but proves so weak in the matter , that she beat him heavily within sight of all the people . Then the Judg commanded her to be brought back , and said , Could this man ravish thee , and thou art so able to resist him ? Give him his money , and pay him all his charges ; and for your wickedness I shall command that you be well whipped . ( 117. ) A Carpenter being at work in a bowling Green , was asked , what he was about ? I am a makeing , said he , a bench for the standers by , to sit upon . ( 118. ) A Crew of boon companions , in the height of their mirth , began to be captious and quarrel ; so Thomas threw a piece of a tobacco-pipe in John's face ; but Thomas denied it and cleared himself . Well 't was ill don of you Thomas though , quoth John , whoever did it . ( 119 ) Two scholars had made a match one night to go to steal rabbets in a Warren , the one that was set to watch , when the rabbets came , cried out , Ecce cuniculi multi ; at which the coneys ran again into their burrows . The other , seeing the sport spoiled , chid him for so doing . Why who knew , says he , that they understood latine ? ( 120. ) One quarrelling in his cups with his companion at the tavern , was so furious and violent , that he would have beaten him immediatly : and being hindred from strikeing by the rest of his company , You shall not think to escape so , said he , in a rage , I protest I will kick you down stairs wheresoever I meet you . ( 121. ) One going a shooting in the hard weather , would have borrowed some money of his friend ; You have no need of money , said the other merrily , for if in anie place you have anie thing to pay , you may leave your gun to discharge the shot . ( 122. ) A wise Jndge , when a party had forged a Will , and many swore to it , that they were the last words that came out of the deceased persons mouth ; in so much that the true heir was almost cast ; But were they not put into his mouth ? said he , which word silenced all , and recovered the estate . ( 123. ) A proper young and handsom Gentleman fell in love with an old , rich , and miserable councellors only daughter , but despairing ever to get her fathers consent , because of the inequality of his estate compared with hers ; he made it his business first to make sure of her good will , and then he used this witty stratagem : He goes one day to her father , and clapping five Guineys into his hand , desired his best advice in the case he should acquaint him with , which was , That he loved a fair and young lady , had her consent , and nothing was wanting but the good will of her friends ; which nevertheless he feared he could never obtain , for such certain reasons , without some subtil stratagem : The old man , on whom the gold began to work , in hopes of an other such fee , puts him off till the next day , that he might the better consider of the matter . The young Gentleman therefore failed not to return at the time appointed , with the other five Guineys to hasten the matter , whereupon the old Councellor told him there was but one way , that was , He should get the lady privatly to be married to him ; and to that end he would give him a note to a certain priest of his acquaintance , that should joyn them in Matrimony with all speed and secrecy . Thus the young-man by his subtilty out-witted the old Councellor , got a note under his own hand to marry his daughter , and then brought his Wife to ask her fathers blessing : which stratagem so pleased the old man , that not respecting his sons low condition , he gave his Daughter a large Dowry . ( 124. ) A Minister marrying a couple of his friends , told them afterwards in merriment , that if after they disliked , they should come to him again , and he would un-marry them . So this country Couple go home , and are very merry for the first weak or two ; but at last , dissentions ariseing between them , they both came again to the priest to be divorced . Hereupon he fetcheth out a great hatchet , and asks who had the greatest desire to leave the other first ? For , says he , I have married you till death you do depart ; and therefore it is expedient that I kill one of you . ( 124. ) One haveing a horse that was very hardy , and had but little stomack , thought with himself he might easily by degrees bring him to live without hay or oats , and so substracted dayly somthing from his meat , till at last the horse died ; and when afterwards he was carrying him out in a cart to lay him in the fields for the crows , and his neighbours asked him how his horse came to die ? Why , I thought , said he , to have made him live on nothing ; and just as I brought him to it , he died . ( 125 ) A wise Barber haveing been to trim a Doctor at night , was offered a candle to light him down stairs ; which haveing taken , and light himself down , he brought up again , and returned thanks , and so went away in the dark . ( 126. ) A Welshman hearing another Malefactor that was try'd just before him , say , concerning a mare he had stoln , That he brought it up from a Colt ; when he came to be examined of a sword he had sharked , said , That truly , by St. David , 't was his own ; for he bred it up of a Dagger . ( 127. ) One seeing his son do untowardly , Why Sirrah , says he , did you ever see me do so , when I was a Boy ? ( 128. ) The Gardiners place of a Colledg being void , a certain person put in for it ; the Dean asked him if he understood Gardening ? No trulie , replied he , but I will hire one to do the work . Nay then , said he , you cannot expect to have the place ▪ and so sent him away . But as he was going through the Court , he calls after him , Now it comes in my mind , says he , there is a place void , which I think would do very well for you ; and that is the Greek Professor's . Alas Sir , said the man , I understand not that language . Oh but , replied the Dean , you may hire one to do the work for you . ( 129. ) I see you do all under colour , said the Glazier to the Painter , seeing him daubing some rails , Go your ways for a rogue , replied he , You 'll never leave picking quarrels . ( 130. ) A Fool that ow'd a Carpenter a shrewd good turn , finding him one day a sleep upon a form , took the ax and cut off his head ; then came into the house laughing : whereof when he was asked the reason , It is , said he , to think how the Carpenter will look for his head when he wakes . ( 131. ) A Maid accused a Youth for ravishing her before the Justice , This is a great crime , said he , indeed ; and did he never lie with you before ? If he did , then ... Yes , if it please you Sir , said she , at least six or seven times . ( 132. ) One said to his friend , Sir you are as wise as Solomon . The other replied , And you are as wise as Socrates . Why Socrates ? Because , said he , Sciebat tantum se nihil scire . ( 133. ) At a Feast , where many Citizens and their Wives were met , the chief of their discourse being about Cuckolds ; one asked the reason why the men wore the horns , when the women only were in fault ? That is , said another , because the man is the head , and where would you have the horns grow els . ( 134. ) One told his friend merrily he was bewitcht , for as much as his head was all in one lump . And you my friend , replied the other , I am afraid are mad ; for your heart is not on the right side . ( 135. ) A Clown bringing a letter to a Gentlemans house , delivered it in hast to a great Baboon that stood at the door in a scarlet laced coat ; the Baboon soon tears the letter to pieces . The Gentleman haveing heard of the business , when he met the Countreyman next , began to scold at him bitterly for not bringing him the letter . I will assure you , replied the peasant , I delivered it your Son at the door . My son , says the Gentleman , you fool , 't was a Baboon . Trulie , answered he , I thought it was your Son , he was so like you . ( 136. ) An English Merchant tradeing at Amsterdam , was to sell a thousand pounds worth of gloves to certain Jews , and had agreed upon the price : but the Jews recanting of the bargain , when they brought their money would have but half . Well , said the English Merchant , then you must give me a little time to sort them , and you shall have half ; so he commanded his men to put all the right-handed ones in one parcel , and the left in another : then when the Jews came , he bid them take their choice , which being made , and the money paid , they began to pack them up ; but percieveing at last they were all for one hand , they were forced to come and buy the rest at the Merchants rate . ( 137. ) 'T is reported of King James , that when a Gentleman made as though he took a louse off his arm , he gave him twenty pounds , saying it was a Gentleman's companion . Whereupon , to make the King merry , he said , That he would maintain a Louse to be the nimblest and the slowest of all Animals ; the strongest and the weakest ; the worst and the best . The nimblest , says he , because let me go never so fast , it never deserts me ; the slowest , because if I will pull it out of my head and lay it down , it can never overtake me ; the strongest , because if a house fall on me , yet 't is ten to one if the Louse be kill'd and knock'd in the head ; the weakest , because I can kill it with my thumb ; the worst companion , because it always preys upon me ; and the best , because it always accompanies me in my adversity . ( 138. ) Tom the Barber seeing his neighbour cut down a pear tree , desired him to let him have some of it ; Why what use would you put it to ? said he . I would , replied he , onlie make a few box combs . ( 139. ) A Clown coming to London , read on a Sign-post , Here are horses to be let 1677. Cuds life ▪ said he , if there are so manie horses in one Inn , how manie are there in all the Citie ? ( 140. ) A coveteous Gentleman , and one of no great wisdom , whom avarice had bereft of right understanding , hearing his Stewards say , he had killed him a Bullock against the holy-days ; What , said he , do you mean to undo me by such extravagant expences ; I will have but half an one kill'd at a time . ( 141 ) A witty , though unfortunate fellow , haveing try'd all trades , but thriveing by none , took the pot for his last refuge , and set up an Ale-house , with the sign of the Shirt ; writeing under it ▪ This is my last shift : which brought him much company and much profit . ( 142 ) A Gentleman reprehended a certain Lawyer for tarrying so long in the countrey from his wife , saying , That in his absence she might want due benevolence . Why Sir , replied the Lawyer , I shall give it her in full measure , when I return ; and put the case , any one owed you an hundred pounds , whether had you rather have it all together , or shilling by shilling ? That is very true indeed , replied the other , one would rather have ones money all together ; yet it would vex you if your wife in your absence should want a shilling . ( 143. ) One meeting Bonner , that had been once Bishop of London , said , Good morrow Bishop quondam ; whereupon he replied presently , Adieu Knave semper . ( 144. ) Hugh Peters preaching of Faith and Hope , after a long and tedious discourse , forgot Charity ; for he call'd out to a woman , that was talking with her neighbour , to leave bableing . Beshrew thy heart , said she , who babbles most thou or I ? ( 145. ) The same man haveing newly hopt from the Stall to the Pulpit , instead of the Priest offered up a pair of Doves for a Peace-offering , read , he offered up a pair of Gloves and a piece of Fringe . ( 146. ) Some boon companions being merry at a Tavern , every one began to commend one sort of wine or other ; one especially stood up for Sack that 't was a good cordial , and wouid make one fat ; Nay rather , says another , 't will make one lean . How so ? Upon a Staff. ( 147. ) A Gentleman meeting his friend , who had a very pretty Lacquey , ask'd him where he was ? Alas Sir , said he , death hath sent him on an errand . And what is becom of your Nag Sir , you came upon ? Why he is foundred . Why then , replied the other , he hath served you right , to make you go on foot , since you made him lame . ( 148. ) One who formerly dwelt in the city of London , said , That truly the city was a gallant place , but the air was very foggy , and agreed not with him ; and he did really think , that had he lived there till this time , that he had died seven years ago . ( 149. ) A Papist , as their usual manner is , asked a Protestant where his Religion was before Luther ? Why in the Bible , answered he , where yours never was . ( 150. ) A Scotchman presented King James with a Turnip of an extraordinary and prodigious size ; which is a root the Scotchmen love very much . The King pleased with the humor , gave him an hundred pounds , which another courtier seeing , If the King , thought he , reward a Turnip-giver so liberally , what will he do to him that offers a greater present ; and thereupon presents the King with a very excellent Race-horse , wherefore the King turning to his Nobles , said , What shall we give this man ? and when all were silent , By my soul men , said he , let us give him the Turnip . ( 151. ) When Metellus Nepos asked Cicero the Roman Orator , in a jeering way , who was his father ? he reply'd , Thy Mother hath made that question harder for thee to answer . ( 152. ) King James , of happy memory , considering one day the vanity of his Courtiers in applauding still all his actions , very seriously about noon looked up to heaven out of a window ; and demanded of those that were about him , Whether they saw not a star near such a cloud ? for , he said , he was confident he did . Whereupon every one looking up , began to deliver their opinions thus , one said , he saw it , and that 't was a little bright star ; another , that it twinkled very much , &c. every one with a several addition , concluded positively as he said : whereupon he said , How infortunate a man am I , to have so many fools to my Councellors ; no wiser men , than right and wrong to say as I say . ( 153. ) A witty fellow in London , took one day many Rams Horns in his basket , and went up and down the city crying , New fruit , New fruit , in the Winter . This made many people , and amongst the rest , a Lawyer , to call him ; saying , You fool , who do you think will buy your horns ? Oh Sir , replied he , though you are provided , yet I may meet with some that are not . ( 154. ) A Gentleman coming into London out of the Countrey , as he came by New Chappel , his horse threw him ; which a young Gentlewoman seeing , fell a laughing . The gentleman being angry that she jeered him , said , Pray wonder not at this , Madam , my horse always stumbles when he sees a whore . To which she answer'd merrily , Have a care then ▪ Sir , for if you ride into the city , you will break your neck . ( 155. ) Three Drunckards haveing been late a drinking , and knowing what a peal their wives would ring them when they came home , laid a wager among themselvs of ten pounds a man , that they would all obey what their wives first commanded them ; So coming to the first man's house , his wife had prepared a good staff for him , and as soon as he came home , fell upon him ; he stepping back , trode upon an earthen dish , and broke it . Ay you Rogue , said his wife , do , go , break all . So he up with his staff , and broke the windows , and all the pots , till at last she beat him out of doors . Then they went to the second 's house , his wife was of the same temper , and fell upon him , that striveing for hast to get away , he let a fart : Ay , go shit , you drunken Rogue , said his wife , go . So he down with his breeches and shit in the room . Then they went to the third's house , where the Good-man being pretty well in drink , he stumbled over the threshold : Ay , you drunken rogue , said his wife , go , break your neck , do . A pox on you for a whore , said he , you have made me lose my wager . ( 156. ) A certain old man , a poor labourer of the countrey , seeing the Archbishop of Cologn to ride thro the fields , armed , and accompanied with armed forces , fell out in a loud laughing : Whereupon being demanded why he laughed , he answer'd , Because he wondred that St. Peter , Christ's Vicar in the Church , being exceeding poor , had left his successor so rich and wealthy ; and that his train should be more furnished with men at arms than with Church-men . The Arch-bishop desired that the fellow should have better knowledg of him in his place and dignity ; and told him that he was not only an Archbishop but a Duke also ; and that as a Duke he rode so accompanied with a train of men at arms : but when he was in his church , then he was attended on as an Archbishop . Sir , said the labourer , I pray tell me , when my Lord Duke shall be with the Devil , what will become of the Archbishop ? ( 157. ) In the city of Constantinople a certain Christian desired to borrow of a Jew the sum of five hundred Duckets . The Jew lent them unto him , with condition , that for the use of the money , he should at the end of the term give him two ounces of his flesh , cut off in some one of his members . The day of payment being come , the Christian repayed the five hundred Duckets to the Jew , but refused to give him any part of his flesh . The Jew not willing to lose his interest , convented the Christian before Sultan Soliman , Emperour of the Turks , who haveing heard the wicked demand of the one , and the answer of the other , commanded a razor to be brought and to be given to the Jew , to whom he said , Because thou shalt know that Justice is don thee , take there the razor and cut from the flesh of the Christian two ounces , which thou demandest ; but take heed thou cut neither more nor less ; for if thou dost , thou shalt surely die . The Jew holding that to be a thing impossible , durst not adventure , but acquitted the Christian his interest . ( 158. ) The Duke of Millain being besieged in a Castle by the Florentines ; one day as he sat at dinner , he could not away , but fell in mislike with the tast of the victuals that were set before him ; insomuch that he chid his Cook , and was very angry with him . But the witty cook willing to justifie himself from blame , said unto the Duke , My Lord , your meat is well enough dressed , but the Florentines have put your mouth out of tast . ( 159. ) A Scottish Minister being Chaplain to an English Regiment of foot , in the time of the Rump-Parliament at St. Edmonds Bury in Suffolk ; as he was preaching to them , said , Good Lord bless the grand Council above ( viz. the Parliament ) and grant they may aw hang together : which a country fellow that stood underneath hearing , said , Yes Sir with all my heart , and the sooner the better ; and I am sure 't is the prayers of all good people . But good friends , says the Parson , I do not mean as that naughty man means ; but I pray that they may all hang to gether in accord and concord : Yes , says the fellow again , In any cord so it be a strong cord : And when he had so said , he slipt away from the company ; at last being searcht for by the chief officer there , they could not find him : How , says he , is he slipt away ; if he had not he should have had the slip bestowed upon him , for his unreverend language to the Parliament . ( 160. ) A Cobler was sitting in his shop a singing merrily , his song was this ; Tamberlain was and he was , and Tamberlain was and he was ; and continued so singing , and nothing els , many times together ; which a Gentleman that past by took notice of , and said to the Cobler , Prithee friend , says the Gentleman , what was he ? why , says the Cobler , as arrant a fool as your self , for ought I know : Sirrah , says the Gentleman , you are a rascal , come out and I 'll kick you ; no Sir , says he , 't is no matter , I thank you for your love as much as if I had it , for I don't want kicking : Sirrah , says the Gentleman again , Come out and I 'll give you a kick ; No Sir , says he , you need not trouble your self , I won't come if you 'd give me two . ( 161. ) A Gentleman was rideing through a forrest in Oxford Shire , where two supposed cripples begg'd something of him ; he put his hand in his pocket , and bid them give him a groat and he would give them six pence , which they did ▪ and when he had the groat , he rode away with it ; with that one of them swore a great oath , saying , Cut thy girth Tom , cut thy girth , you rogue , and let us after him ; And though he gollopt a good pace away , yet they were so nimble ( and so by consequence Cripples ) that they overtook him as he was opening a gate , and had almost laid hold on him ; that the Gentleman , for his security was forc'd to throw two or three Shillings down on the ground , and whilst they were scrambling for that he got away . ( 162. ) Of a Fellow that had never a nose , a roguish Begger begg'd an alms , and still as he begg'd , he prayed for his eye-sight ; he ask'd him what he meant by that , he told him that he hoped his eye-sight would never fail ; For if it does , says he , you are in a most miserable condition ; for there is no place to ffx a pair of spectacles on . ( 163. ) An Apothecary in Oxford spoke to a Countreyman , by way of jeer , to bring him some live rats , and he would give him eighteen pence a piece for them : and a fortnight after he brought them , and then the Apothecary told him that he was provided the day before : the country fellow seeing he was abused , was resolved to be quit with him : saying , I am unwilling ( seeing I have brought them ) to carry them back again , and told him he would take three pence out in physick at some time or other ; and so opened his bag and let them about the shop ; which did so wh●sk up and down the Shelvs , that in a little space he broke him about 40 pots and glasses , and could never be rid of them since . Probatum est . ( 164. ) A French man was scoffing at the English mens humors , because they did so admire their nation ; Faith friends , says the English man , you are mistaken , for we in England so esteem you , as you in France do our hounds , for pleasure . ( 165. ) A Fanatick did lately extreamly exclaim against the Surplice in the church , but a little after he was catch'd a-bed with one of his holy Sisters ; and in the same place where he would not have a Surplice worn , he poor heart was forc'd there to wear a Sheet . ( 166. ) Count Gundamore , being Embassador for the King of Spain in England , and being jesting with King James and speaking in latine , did many times speak false latine : What , says the King , how comes it that you break Priscians head so often , being Embassador to so great a King , as you say your Master is ? O Sir , says he , your Majestie must know that I speak Latine like a King ; but your Majestie speaks Latine like an Embassador . ( 167. ) The State of Genoa sent an Embassador to the Duke of Millan , who was then the Protector to Genoa ; who could not by all the means he could make get audience : who finding he was delayed , and abused , upon St. John Baptists day , who was the Protector of Millan , he presented the Duke with a golden vessel full of Basilisque ; being ask'd the reason , he said , The Genevois have the propertie of the herb Basilisque , which if handled gentlie would yield a sweet smell ; but if rubb'd too hard , or trod upon , it will engender Serpents . Which witty passage made the Duke give him audience , and did his business what he came for . ( 168. ) A Woman that had a good handsom young daughter , sent her to her Land-lord at New-years-tide with a New-years-gift , and he being a lusty Batchellor , and lov'd a pretty Lady besides , seeing the Maid to be handsome , with some importunity and some gratuity , got her consent , that she prov'd with-child ; for whose maintenance and Mothers too , he paid for : and then hearing of a lusty young woman and rich , that lived hard by him , he became a Suiter to her in marriage ; to which she easily condescended : and on that day that they were to be married , the other that he had got with-child before , came to the church also to see the wedding with her child in her arms ; and all the while they were in the church , that woman would dandle her child up and down in her arms , and somtimes look upon her Landlord and somtimes on her child , with a smileing countenance ; which that woman that was that day to be married to him observing , told him plainly , that she would not be married till he gave her satisfaction concerning that woman and her child : he put her off still with excuses , but at last he told her he would tell her the truth if she would not take it ill : No , says she , I will not , let it be what it will. Why then , says he , I got her with-child , and that is the child in her arms : Puh , says she , is that all , I had one a twelve month ago by a Londoner that lodg'd at our house : Say you so , says he , then I faith I 'll marrie a Whore of my makeing rather than of another mans ; and so call'd the Woman to him that had the child in her arms , and married her presently . ( 169. ) A rich Knight in the countrey , that was coveteous withal , had a daughter whose name was Grace , that was very handsome , and indeed of good humor , witty , and well-bred , which a young man had a kindness for ; but haveing no fortune , durst not presume further than joking : and haveing heard the Knight say , that he would make his Daughter worth 2000 pounds , he in a frollick comes to him , and knowing him to be very coveteous , told him that he knew how to save him 500 pounds , in a business ; and this young man was a lawyers Clerk , and therefore he thought he might discover something about the law wherein he might stand him in some stead , and so bid him very welcome , and invited him to dinner ; and after dinner bid his wife give him some sweet-meats , and the wet went into his mouth , but the dry made a sally into his pocket ; and after haveing fill'd both belly , pockets , and mind with good meat , sweat-meats , and good welcome , the Knight told his wife what a good friend he was to him , and how he knew that he could save him 500 pounds in a business , which made his wife the more earnest to know it ; and being all three sate down in the couch together , and Mrs. Grace in another chair by , the Knight ask'd him wherein he could do him that courtesie as he spoke of ? Why thus I can do it Sir , says he , I am certainly informed that you will give in marriage with your daughter Grace 2000 pounds , and I am willing to take her with 1500 pounds . The Knight hearing what he said , began to curse and swear , then the Gentleman thankt him for his sweet-meats ; no , says he , thank my wife for them : but after that , for the conceits sake , Mrs. Grace had a great kindness for him ; for fear of which they instantly clapt up a match for her ; but 't is confidently said that the lawyers clerk ( who indeed was a gentleman ) made her frequent visits , and with allowance , of the female , but whether of the new married male , I know not . ( 170. ) A Lady in this Kingdom hearing that a Lady that was a person of quality , did much long for Oysters , she then sent a footman of hers , that was an Irish man , to the said Lady with a barrel of oysters ; and as he was going , he met an arch wag by the way , who ask'd him whither he was going ? then he told him : O Donnel , says he , you must gut them before you go , or els , they will poyson the Ladie : I predde , says he , show me how to do it ? so the fellow took them and opened them , and took out all the oysters and put them into a wooden dish that was by , and then put all the shells again into the barrel : Now , says he , you may carry them , for they are all gutted : E faith , said Donnel , for this kindness I 'll give thee a pint of wine out of the vails that I shall have of my lady : but I know not how they were accepted . ( 171. ) Two Widdows that were devillish scolds and very litigious , had spent great store of money in law about a frivolous thing : a friend comes to one of them , and told her that her enemy had removed her suit into the chancery : Well , says that virago , let her remove it to hell , I am sure I shall have a lawyer to follow it ; for I am sure some of 'em has followed me to hell for a dinner . ( 172. ) One was telling his friend that he would repent one day for wearing his hair so long , unless he had a mind to be a friar ; for those which do wear long hair , are in the readiest way to enjoy bald crowns , without the help of a barber ; and also would say , You lov'd hunting , for there went the hair away . ( 173. ) A Gentleman hearing that a fellow had called him knave , by chance met him , and ask'd him , Whether he thought he was a knave or not ? Says the fellow , If I should say no , I should be very unmannerly with your Worship . Why unmannerly ? says the Gentleman . Truly , says the fellow , because I am very unwilling to give a Gentleman of your quality the lie . ( 174. ) A modest Gentlewoman being compelled by her Mother to accuse her husband of defect ; and being in the court , she humbly desired of the Judg , That she might write her mind , and not to speak it , for modesties sake : The Judg gave her that liberty , and a clerk was presently commanded to give her pen , ink and paper ; whereupon she took the pen without dipping of it into the ink , and made as if she would write ; says the clerk to her , Madam , There 's no ink in your pen. Truly Sir , says she , that 's just my case , and therefore I need not to explain my self anie further . ( 175. ) A man came to be confest by a gray friar , and among the rest of his iniquities , did confess that he had lain with a pretty young woman . In what place ? says the friar : In a goodly chamber , says he . Where there ? says the friar : in a soft bed , says he . How long ? says the friar : Why all night long , says he ; and each of us had brought in the morning an excellent caudle , wherein was Ambergreece : By St. Francis , says the friar , thou wast well at ease . ( 176. ) A Gentleman that used to be smart in his reparties , once had in his hat a very gallant and rich knot , or favour of gold and silver ribbon ; which some young ladies had a mind to , if they could get it handsomly without begging of it ; and so one of them said to him : Sir , you have a very fine favour in your hat ; and so they said all . Pray Madam , says he to the first , tell me truly do you like it : Yes indeed Sir , says she . Why then , says he , if you had not lik'd it I would have flung it into the fire , but since you say you do like it ; I protest I like it the better , and am resolved to keep it for your sakes . ( 177. ) A Gentleman that had a great wit , and well belov'd among the great ones , and therefore invited often among them ; but it seems had a verie sore leg : he being at a Noble mans table , greedilie catch'd at a goblet of wine . Says my lord to him , Prithee Jack drink it not , for 't will hurt thy leg . O my Lord , says he , take no care for my leg , for I have care enough of that , for I alwaies drink o' th' t'other side . ( 178. ) A drunken fellow in the streets met with an ancient acquaintance of his , and desired him to lend him an angel , and I don't doubt but I shall pay you within a month again ; he ask'd him how ? he told him he had a great swelling in his neck , and he hoped it was the Kings-Evil , which if it were , then the King would give him an angel , with which he would pay him . ( 179. ) An English man that had a brave horse that did shew most excellent tricks , almost to the amazement of everie bodie ; and being shewing the tricks of his horse at Paris in France ; they seem'd so strange to the French , that they told him in plain terms 't was not done without the help of the Devil ; and the Monks and Friars caused him to be apprehended for a Conjurer then he desired he might send for his hor●e and he would convince them of their error : The horse being come , he bid one of the Friars hold a crucifix to him ; which was no sooner done , but the horse kneeled down before it , which made them marvel and say , The beast was inspired ; and not onlie releast him , but feasted him and his horse , and gave him a gratuitie and great commendations besides . And might not he then say , God-a-mercie Horse . ( 180. ) An Old man being to swear in a cause before a Judge , the Judge bid him beware that he did not forswear himself ; and told him if he did , he might be confident the devil would have him . Truly , my Lord , says he , I hope the devil will have nothing to do with me , for I have given him my eldest son already ; and I hope he will content himself with him , for I think one out of a family is enough for him ; then the Judg bid him explain himself more clearly : Why truly my Lord , I have made my eldest son a Lawyer , for I believe that all of that profession goes to the devil : for the Devil himself you know it is said has been a Lawyer from the beginning : A Lier you mean , says the Judg : Why , says he , a Lawyer and a Lier is all one I hope , or els we are all mistaken in our opinions . ( 181. ) A lusty Widdow about forty five years old , yet it seems had a mind to another husband ; and she liv'd about four miles from High-wickam , a market town in Buckingham-shire , and haveing one market sent her maid to the market at Wickham , about some business ; the maid it seems staid longer than ordinary abroad , and when she came home , her Mistriss ask'd her what was the cause of staying so long at market ? I profess I 'll bang your coat for it : Pray Mrs. Forsooth , says she , hear me but speak first and I don't doubt but to give you satisfaction : Come you Jade , speak quickly then Why Forsooth , says she , there was the finest Proclamation that ever I heard in my life : What Proclamation you Quean , speak quickly ; Why forsooth , 'T was that everie woman that had a little mouth , should have two husbands : With that the Widdow being very much pleased with the news , began to purse and draw up her sweet mouth : And saying , O , 't was a prettie Proclamation , a brave Proclamation , an excellent Proclamation : I but Forsooth , says she , I 'll tell you more news than all this : There was another Proclamation ; What was that ? says the Widdow , Why forsooth , those that have a wide mouth shall have three husbauds . With that she began to widen her lovely mouth : saying , Whaw , whaw , whaw , what a brave Proclamation is that indeed . And so every day after inlarged her mouth by degrees , that her neighbours might take notice of it ; and so gave in her name to the next Justice accordingly . ( 182. ) A Knights son in the west , who was indeed his Fathers only child , and so gave him a little more liberty than ordinary , and he was rather a lover of the State of Venus — than Genoa , and did often haunt the young girles thereabouts ; but especially one above the rest , which was a very pretty maid , and about eighteen years of age , and a Farmers Daughter , who was his fathers Tennant ; which gave him the more liberty to have free egress and regress thither ; and haveing importun'd the Maid very much , yet she would never grant : at last he promis'd her marriage , upon which he had his desire , and the maid was with-child : but his father and mother fearing he might make up a match there , by his going so often thither , sent to another Knight that liv'd four miles off , to treat between their daughter and his son , which was a pretty woman also ; which they suddenly consented to , and the marriage day appointed ; and on the marriage day , when he was rideing with his man thither , the farmer and his daughter way-laid him under an hedg , and ask'd him what recompence he should have for the wrong he had don his daughter ? Well , says he , there 's fifty pound for you in gold , and I now will give you a bond for fifty pound more to be paid in six months , so you will be contented . So under the hedg the bond was makeing , and the people at the Bride-house wondring at his so long stay , sent a man to inquire after him , and when he came , he found him a uniting under the hedg with the farmer and his daughter ; and when he had don , he went his way to the Bride-house as fast as he could gallop : and the farmer and his daughter seeing they could not help themselves , put up their pipes and went home ; at last they were married , had din'd and supt , and when they were in bed together ; he began to kiss her : Pray , says she , let me ask you a question , first , what made you under the hedg with the farmer and his daughter so long ? Why , says he , it does not concern you at all . Well , says she , I will know , or els you and I shall be at a distance . Why , says he , if you won't be angry I 'll tell you : Well I will not , says she , let it be what it will : Why then , says he , I got the farmers daughter with-child , and she was such a fool to tell her father of it : By my troth , says she , she was a fool indeed ; for my fathers man got me with-child above a twelve month ago , and you are the first that ever I told of it ; Tarbox for that beloved . ( 183. ) Two Gentlemen it seems one night quarrelled at gameing , and over-night one sent the other a challenge to meet him by six a clock to morrow morning at such a place , upon his honour : Hang honour , says he , for we both are but worshipfull ▪ and withall tell him 't is not my custom ( and I also know 't is not his ) to rise before eleven or twelve a clock , and bid him consider with him self whether we should break our rest to break our limbs ? The other sent him word , that if he did not meet him , he 'd post him . Well , says he , tell him if he does , I 'll ride post out of town , and there stay till his furie is over . So we see that some are in post-hast to fight , and some in post-hast to ride away . ( 184. ) A man when he is married turns his walking staff into a fixt stake , for then his condition is not ambulatory but setled and fixt ; that is ( as I humbly concieve ) if he be fixt to a good woman , if not ; then all the months in the year may be March to him ; that is may be blustring , which will certainly put him into a marching condition again . ( 185. ) An impudent drunken fellow came to an hones ; t sober man and did abuse him at so large a rate , that he began to be concerned for it : Puh , says another , 't is no matter what a Drunkard says in his drink ; for he seldom speaks anie thing he can stand to : Why then , says the t'other very soberly , if he cannot stand to it , then he lies . ( 186. ) When King Charles the first was Prince , when he first landed at his coming from Spain , it rain'd and thundred four or five hours together : Says a Recusant to a Protestant , You see how the heavens are disturb'd and displeas'd that the Prince should come so soon from that blessed Catholick country : O Sir , says t'other , there 's your misinterpretation of it , and so by consequence mistake ; for the heavens for very joy that the Prince is come from that Heretical country , shoots its ordinance together , and likewise the earth hath pledg'd the Kings health for four or five hours together : what think you now Sir ? ( 187. ) A man in a bitter cold winter night , was passing through the street , and seeing all a bed , and no candle in any window neither ; then he bethought himself of this project ; for he then went up and down crying fire , fire , which made several come to the windows : They ask'd him where ? where ? He told them that he did not know , for if he did , he would go to 't to warm himself : For , says he , I am devillish cold . ( 188 ) A merry wagg at Wolvercot near Oxford , met a Countreyman going thither with a goose to sell ; but he had agreed with a comrade of his to say 't was an owl : so he ask'd him how he sold his owl ? he said 't was a goose , and t'other an owl : So they argued a good while together , at last says the wagg , we 'l be tried by the next man we meet : Content , says the countreyman ; and if he says 't is an owl , I 'll lose it ; but if he says 't is a goose , then you shall give me half a crown for the goose , and I 'll keep it too . Content , says the wagg ▪ So going on , they met as by accident , his afore said comrade ; and after some debate , he plainly said it was an owl ; and so they got the goose . So the Countreyman as he went alone , began at last to think he was cheated ; and was ●esolved to study for a revenge : and about a week after he comes to Oxford again , and brought a pot of supposed honey with him to sell : so the wagg spying him in the market , ask'd him how he sold his honey ? He said 't was Sir-reverence . T'other said 't was honey , but the man said 't was Tu ... and so they argued a great while ; at last he bought it of him , saying , Let it be what it will , I 'll buy it : and when he came home to open it , he found it was true what the man said ; only the top for an inch deep cover'd with honey : and when he had got his money , thought he to himself now I am quit with you ▪ for the case is All turd now . ( 189. ) An antient harmless Gentleman ( and therefore harmless , because he was toothless ) being at breakfast with some others , among which was a young , brisk and smart Lady that sate next to him ; and among other dishes of meat , there was a lusty coller of brawn , and the old man haveing a piece of it on his trencher , which you know is a slippery meat , and he putting a piece of it into his chops , it quickly slipt out again upon the ladies trencher afore-said ; She presently fell a laughing , and gave him a pin to fasten his mouth , that no more should come out in that manner ; and with laughing so heartily at the conceit , made an escape behind ; which the old man hearing , presently gave her the pin back again : telling her that place was the most fit to be fastned . ( 190. ) A wild Fellow in the Rumps time being brought before a renowned Justice , in the morning before his worship had drank his morning draught , and to that end there stood a silver Beaker of ale , nutmeg , and sugar ready ; and after his examination , says the Justice to him , Is this true what they say against you ? ( the fellow being a t'other side the table ) True Sir , says he ; and with that whipt into his hand the silver beaker afore-said , and said , if it be true , I wish this Beaker may never go through me ; and so drank it up : Now Sir , says he , I hope you will not believe them , but me hereafter . ( 191. ) A Countrey woman that liv'd at Headington , near Oxford , and upon a Sunday , she being not well , bid her maid go to church that afternoon ; and after Sermon was don , her dame ask'd her what was the Text ? She said , Truly forsooth Dame the Text was said before I came . Well , says she , what said he in the middle of his Sermon ? Truly , says she , I was asleep then . Well what did he say at the latter end then ? Indeed forsooth , says she , I went away before 't was don . Well , howsoever I will have you tell me somthing of it . What , says she , d' ye think I am a blab of my tongue ? No I warrant you , I was better bred than so . ( 192. ) A man it seems that had to his wife as good a woman as any was in England , but for whoreing , lying , swearing , nastiness , and other such small infirmities : which made him define a woman rightly as he thought : Says he , Women are born in Wiltshire , brought up in Cumberland , lead their lives in Bedfordshire ( that is be in Cloth-fair near Smithfield , till twelve a clock every day ) then bring their Husbands to Buckinghamshire , and die in Shrewsburie . ( 193. ) A Gallant had marcht in a bitter cold night up and down several streets to get him a lodging , but no body would open to him ; some perhaps not knowing him , and some perchance too well ; at last he bethought himself of getting a lodging a new kind of way , and so went to the watch at Temple Bar , and there call'd 'em all rogues and other vile names , for which they had him to the Counter ; the next morning he was brought before the Alderman of the Ward , and he said to him , Me thinks you look something like a Gentleman , pray what was your reason to abuse the Constable and his Watch thus without cause ? Truly Sir , says he , I will tell you the truth ; I had gone from street to street that bitter night to get some lodging , but could find none : at last I thank 'em they brought me to the Counter , where I had a good fire , good drink , and a good bed ; for which courtesie I do here give them a Crown : and this I 'll assure you Sir was the cause and nothing else ; and so he had his release . ( 194. ) An ingenious young man that was set to a Borrding School to learn latine and to write , and after he had been there more than two years , his father sent him a letter that he should write to him , that he might see how he had profited both in his learning and his writeing ; and so very Scholastically directs his letter to his father thus , To my most obedient Father , which is my Mothers Husband , at the house where they live : Says a man to him , They won't find the house by this direction : Puh , says he , no body but knows my fathers house , for if I were in the Town I could find it my self , and yet I have not been there this two years : and at the end he subscribed thus , I cease ever to be your dutifull Son : and so forth . ( 195. ) Two Oxonians were in a very great dispute there concerning the Man in the Moon , whether a Gentleman or a Citizen ? and after a great deal of Pro's and Con's between them , one of them solv'd it thus , that when the Moon was at full , then there was a Gentleman in her , but when she appeared with two horns , then he might be confident there was a Citizen in her ; and that they were lunatick that did not believe it : the Spanish Count de Luna being at that time come to take a view of Oxford , and to confirm it . ( 196. ) A Frenchman , as I hear , coming late by Ludgate one night ; says one of the Watch to him , Stand and come before the Constable . Begar , says he , that is very pretty ; I cannot stand and come before the Constable too . Stand , I say , says another , and come before the Constable . At which the Frenchman laught heartily , saying , Begar des men be all ingenious , stand and come before the Constable ; at last the Constable appears , Sir , says he , whither are you going ? Begar dat's very pretty too . Mr. Constable I love you very much , great deal well , cause you be so like my wife ; for when I go out a door , she says ▪ Husband whether are you going ? just like you Mr. Constable . Sir , says he , whither are you going now ? Begar Mr. Constable me be going dere where you dare not go . Where 's that ? says the Constable . Why begar , says he , to bed to my own wife . Mark you dat Mr. Constable : and still laught on , that the Constable to be rid , as he thought , of such impertinency , let him go . ( 197. ) King James being in his progress at Woodstock in Oxfordshire , the King finding it to rain so one morning that he could not ride a hunting ; had got some of the Nobility and Gentry together , resolving to be merry : And one humour was , that the King haveing that morning a fine curvetting Horse given him , which kind of horse he never lik'd in his life ; told them that he that could tell the greatest lie should have that Horse : So one told one lie , and another another ; and several had told others , that there was great laughing ; and just in the midst of this mirth in comes a countrey fellow complaining to the King that some of his servants had wrong'd him : Well , well , says the King , we 'll hear you of that anon : Come , come hither amongst us , and you must know that he that can tell the greatest lie shall have that Horse : Truly Sir , says he , and 't please your Grace I never told a lie in all my life : With that says the King , Give him the Horse , give him the Horse ; for I am sure that is the greatest lie that has been told to day . ( 198. ) A Man that had been a four years voyage at Sea , and when he came home , his dear and vertuous wife coming to meet and welcome him home , brought a little boy in her arms of a twelve month old ; which he percieveing , Umph , says he : And umph , says she , again , you might have come home sooner then : Why , says he , I came home as soon as my conveniency would give me leave : Well , says he , whose child is this ? Why mine , says she , and that that is mine is yours , for I can lawfully call nothing my own but my Ring , Fillet and Hair-lace , and therefore the child is yours : How will you prove it , says he ? Why thus , says she , here hold it in your Arms ; and as he took it , Now , says she , I freely give it you : Nay now , says he , I am satisfied , and know 't is mine ; therefore prithee get it a good Nurse : for I 'll have none of my children that comes so easily to be nurst at home . ( 199 ) A Fanatick Doctor in the time of the Rump-Parliament , that formerly had written a Book , That Sunday was no Sabbath ; and he meeting with another in the Fields that knew the Doctor , but the Doctor not him : so the Doctor and he being alone , took him to be an illiterated fellow , and there began to catichize him , and ask'd him a many questions ; and one among the rest was , How many Commandments there were ? He studied a little while , at last he told him there was eight commandments : Yes , says the Doctor , I thought how well you were principled : Well , says he , which are the eight ? So he named all but the Second and the Fourth : Then he ask'd him his reason for leaving the other two out : He told him he left none out of himself , but the Papists had left out the Second ▪ and there 's a Doctor , I know not what the pox you call his name has left out the other ( and we are to believe all wise men ) who says , The Sunday is no Sabbath : and so whipt away from him . The Doctor then call'd him again : No , says he , you that will steal away one of our Commandements , may rob me for ought I know . ( 200. ) A pretty Maid haveing her Valentine pinn'd on her sleeve , a Gentleman said , Sweet-heart , is your wastcoat to be let ? Yes , says she , 't is to be let alone . Well , says he , I am content to let your wastcoat alone , but not your Petticoat , if you please . ( 201. ) A Merchant ask'd a Sailer , why he would marry , seeing long absence would make his Wife Cornute him ? O , says he , Sir , that 's don while you do but walk to the Exchange . ( 202. ) One being burnt by a whore , came to ask a benevolence ; and gave a good reason for it , saying , He had lost all he had by fire . ( 203. ) One told a little man that he was a Pigmy , a pityfull little fellow : Truly , says he , I confess I am but little , for I had but one father , it may be you had more . ( 204 ) A scoffing Lady told a simple Gentleman , that his wit was pretty : Why so ? says he : Because , says she , all that is little is prettie . ( 205. ) In a Plague-time one night , a Constable heard a woman beating of her Husband : he presently put a red Cross on the door , saying , There could not be a greater plague than that . ( 206. ) The Italian Proverb is , Three Women make a Market with their chatting : Zounds , says a fellow , if my wife had been there , it had been a fair . ( 207. ) The Franciscan-Friars are to cary no money about them , and a Dominican desired the Franciscan to carry him over the water on his back ; and being on 's back in the water , he ask'd him whether he had any money about him : Yes , says the other , But our Order allows us to carry no money about us : and so let him down in the water . ( 208. ) Nells Husband complained , that his wife brought him nothing : You lie like a rogue , says she ; for I bring you boys without your help . ( 209. ) Says one , why is thy beard so brown , and thy head so white ? ' cause says he , my head is twentie years older than my beard . ( 210. ) The Judge willing to save a man that stole a Watch , it was valued but a twelve-pence ; but he that lost it said , the fashion of it cost him five pound . O , says the Judge , we must not hang a man for fashion sake . ( 211. ) A Goldsmith and another conspired to steal a Silver-bowl ; and that it not might be known , 't was guilded : and though the other stole it , yet the guilt of the fact lay on the Goldsmith . ( 212. ) One sent his man for a Lawyers advice without a Fee ; but he slighted him : His master went and gave him his Fee ; O now , says the Lawyer , I understand you . Then he chid his man for not telling the matter right : O Sir , says he , I had not my Instructions in my pocket . ( 213. ) A Fool got a Bow and Arrow ; and went thro the town , and swore he 'd kill all the Cuckolds ; says a woman to her husband , D' ye hear what the Fool says ? pray get out o' th' way : Why wife , says he , am I a Cuckold ? I but Husband I am afraid lest the arrow should glance . ( 214. ) One hir'd a Waterman to land him at Temple-stairs , the Waterman landed him in the mud , for which the Gentleman would not pay him , saying , You should have landed me at Temple-stairs , but this is Puddle-Wharf . ( 215. ) One that had sore eyes , was jeer'd by another that was clear ey'd ; who told him , they were not so sore , but he could see a knave : It may be so , says he , but you must look in a Lookinglass then . ( 216. ) A Gentleman said he had travel'd far : a Lady told him she had been farther : Why Madam , says he , if it be so , you and I may lie together by Authoritie . ( 217. ) An Englishman and a Frenchman being at dinner together , but understood not one another , the Frenchman said , Mange profaice Monsieur ; the other mistakeing him swore it was not in his face , but in his wrists and hams , meaning the Itch. ( 218. ) A Woman told her Husband he was a Witch : But he went to a cunning man to know the truth ; who told him he was no Witch ; but he was a Cuckold : so he comes home rejoycing to his Wife , and told her that he said , he was not a Witch , but a Cuckold : Says she , I am sure if thou art not a Witch he is one . ( 219. ) One haveing a very great nose , and thin beard , was told the shadow of his nose did hinder his beards growth . ( 220. ) A Jealous man pictur'd a Lamb on his Wives belly , for he was going to Sea ; and staying out a long time , she began to have an itching desire ; and her friend coming to her , spied the Lamb pictur'd : then he pictur'd a pair of horns on the head on 't : And when her husband came home he wondred at the horns . Why what is it Husband ? says she : Why horns , says he ; O lack , Husband , says she , it is two years since you went , and by that time all Lambs have horns . ( 221. ) One going to hanging , heard a woman say , she had beg'd him , so he would marry her : He seeing her long nose and shrill tongue , said , Car-man drive on , I 'll first be hang'd before I 'll marrie her : and was so . ( 222. ) One stealing a cup out of a Tavern , was laid hold on ; a Gentleman sent his man to know what the matter was : He came and told him , only a Fellow had got a Cup too much . Pish , says he , that 's my fault and manie an honest mans also . ( 223. ) Two rideing down a great hill together , one said , it was dangerous rideing down : No , says t'other , I will not light ; for I have but one pair of shooes , and I shall spoil 'em : says the other , and I have but one neck , and I fear I shall spoil that , and therefore I 'll light . ( 224. ) A Welchman and his Master being at a play , a Rogue cut his Masters purse ; then he cut off the Rogues ear : he ask'd why he did so : He said , Give hur Master hur Purse , and hur shall have hur Ear again . ( 225. ) A Miller had wooed abundance of Girles , and did lie with them ; upon which he refused to marry them : But one Girl he did sollicitate her much , but all would not do ; then he married her , and told her on the marriage-night , if she would have let him don as the rest did , he would never have had her : by my troth I thought so , says she , for I was served so by half a dozen before . ( 226. ) Says a Lord , my friend , I should know thee : Yes , says he , I am one of my Lordships Tenants , my name is J. G. O , says he , I remember there were two Brothers of you and one is dead , which is that that is alive ? It is I my Lord , says he . ( 227. ) Says a Judge , Sirrah you are a Rogue ; Not so verie a Rogue as your Worship ( and then he spit ) takes me to be . ( 228. ) Sirrah , says another Justice , you are an arrant Knave : Says he , Just as your worship spoke , the clock struck two . ( 229. ) A Player was rideing up Fleetstreet a great pace ; one ask'd him what play was plaid to day : says he , You may see that upon every post : why , says he , I took you for a post , you rid so fast . ( 230. ) One being very jealous , came suddenly home , and found one busie with his wife : says he , friend I thank thee , I have fear'd this a long time , but now I find it true ; it hath eased me of a great deal of trouble : I 'll be jealous no more . ( 231. ) A Gentleman losing his way , galloping furiously over the plow'd lands : towards Tame , and meeting one , said , friend is this the way to Tame ? Yes Sir , says he ; your Horse , if he be as wild as the Devil . ( 232 ) A decay'd Gentleman in a thread-bare Cloak , was told his cloak was verie watchfull , for it had not a good nap this seven years : Trulie , says he , you want a nap as well as my cloak ; for you talk idelie for want of sleep . ( 233. ) A Good Preacher , when most of his Auditorie was a sleep , heard a child cry : Good Nurse , says he , still the child , or els it will wake some of the best in the parish . ( 234. ) A Miser haveing a sheep stolen from him by a poor man , would needs send him to prison , saying there was not so damn'd a rogue in the world : pray Sir , said he , remember your self , and be good to me . ( 235. ) The Watch passing by , one threw a pispot out at a window , which lighted on their heads : They being verie angry , he ask'd them who they were ? they said the Watch ; Why then , Harm watch , harm catch . ( 236. ) A Gentlewoman came to a rich Userer , and at her going away , he offered her a cup of old Canary in a glass a little bigger than a thimble ; who to save charges , only kist it to her , and said , it was Canary of six year old : I wonder , says she , it should be so old , being so verie little . ( 237. ) A Schollar and a Courtier meeting together , the Schollar being next the wall , the Courtier josled him : What is the matter ? said he : I do not use to give everie fool the wall : But I do , says the Schollar , and so let him have it . ( 238. ) Some met together , One said , now Mr. Sampson is come , we fear no Bailiff nor Serjeant ; nay , if a thousand Philistines were here , he is able to brain them all : Yes , says he , so you will lend me one of your Jaw-bones . ( 239. ) A Landlord inviteing his tenants to dinner , bid them fall on ; for there was beef of twentie pound an ox : A poor man hearing that , fell to a Capon before him , for which he was reproved : why , says he , I am but a poor man , I dare not venture on Beef of twentie pound an Ox , but on a Capon of half a crown , well ; yet he was bid eat beef ; he said no , he would praise God in Capon if his worship pleased . ( 240. ) A Gentlewoman of mean fortune marries a handsom Knight of a good estate , yet she must have a Sweet-heart , and being in privat with him , told him how greatlie she lov'd him . But her Husband overhearing her , said , Sir , believe her not , for she hath told me so this seven years , which made him run faster down than he came up . ( 241. ) Sir Thomas More had manie Daughters , but no Son ; so that his wife did often wish for a Boy , which at last she had , which was verie simple : Ah Wife , says he , thou hast often wisht for a Boy , and now thou hast one , and he will never be other than a Boy . ( 242. ) Says a Lady to her Maid , What you are with-child ? Yes , a little , forsooth : And who got it ? My Master , forsooth : Where ? In the Truckle-bed , forsooth : Where was I then ? Asleep in the high-bed , forsooth : Why did you not call out then , you Whore : Why , says she , would you have don so ? ( 243. ) A young Maid came to a Priest to be shriev'd , and she told him all her sins : But one among the rest was , that she was with a young man in a Hay-loft : And what did you do there , says the Priest ? Why , what an old fool are you , says she , to ask what a young man and a maid should do together in a Hay-loft . ( 244. A Gentleman and his man rideing , his man saw one rideing on a Cow ; Look , Master , says he , yonder is a Fellow rides a horse-back on a cow : That 's a Bull , says he , No Sir says he , I know 't is a Cow by his Teats . ( 245. ) A virtuous Lady being once in a musing vein , sate with her leggs stradling : Says her husband to her , Sweet heart , your Cabinet stands open ; Say you so , says she , why do not you lock it then ? for I am sure none keeps the key but your self . ( 246. ) A Gallant spying a gamesome Maid , said , Sweet heart , Give me leave to kiss your hands and feet : O lack , Sir , says she , you are in extreams , to aim both high and low at once ; for I have often heard , there 's virtue in the middle , and there I would have you kiss ; if you won't , you may let it alone . ( 247. ) A Fellow reported his Mistriss was a Whore ; which she hearing , rebuk'd him sharplie for it : But one that stood by told her he was drunk when he said so : Yes , says the fellow , and in vino veritas : Well , says she , then I pardon you . ( 248. ) A Fidler was bragging what a chast Wife he had : Says a Merchant , I 'll lay my ship against thy fiddle , if I may have opportunitie , I get her good will to lie with her : The wager was laid , and he had libertie to try her ? But the Fidler in the mean time went to the window , and sung this song . Hold out Sweet-heart hold out , Hold out but this two hours . If thou hold out there is no doubt . But the ship and all is ours . I faith sweet Robin I cannot , He hath caught me about the middle ? He hath me won , thou art undon , Sweet Robin thou hast lost thy fiddle . ( 249. ) After Supper in a Colledg in Oxford , some of the young Schollars were throwing bones one at another ; which the Principal spying , sent them word , Now the Bellies were full , the Bones should be at rest . ( 250. ) A Schollar was jeered on the rode for haveing but one spur on : Faith , says he , if one side of my horse goes on , it is not likelie , the other side will stay behind . ( 251. ) A Scholar had got a miserable tired horse , and being six or seven miles to Oxford , could not get him above a foot-pace . A man advised him to take a long stick , and prick it into a bottle of hay , and hold it before his head ; which he did and the horse snapping hastilie at the hay , put one legg before another , and performed his journey . ( 252. ) A Gentleman rideing up Cheapside , by chance his horse stumbled against a door and fell down : Says the Mistress of the house , thinking to jeer him , Sir , does your horse use to do so ? Yes : says he , when he comes just against a Cuckolds door : Why faith , says she , then you are like to have twentie falls before you 'd come to the upper end of Cheapside . ( 253. ) A Gentleman being in a place where there was verie small beer , said , this beer , sweats extreamly , for 't is all in a water . Another said , the beer was dead : It may be so , says a third , for 't was verie weak when I was here last , Also the Beer being dead , one prais'd it : Why so ? because we must speak well of the dead . ( 254. ) One Pace a bitter Jester in Queen Elizabeths days , came to court : Come , says the Ladies , Pace , we shall now hear of our faults : No , says he , I don't use to talk of that which all the town talks of . ( 255. ) A Gentlewoman being with child , her husband was carving at the table a couple of coneys ; and beginning with the flaps his wife call'd to him , Pray Husband give me a fla'p o' th' coney ; What , says he , before all this companie , Wife . ( 256. ) A man with a great beard coming thorrow Thamsstreet , there was a stop with carts ; He standing near a Car-horse , the horse took his beard for a bottle of hay , and snapt at it ; A pox take you , says he , who made you a Barber . ( 257. ) A Tinker crying for work , an apprentice ask'd him why he did not stop the two holes in the Pillorie ; Says the Tinker , If you 'll afford me your head and ears , I 'll find you hammer and nails , and my work into the bargain . ( 258. ) A drunken Fellow was brought before a Justice , and what question soever the Justice ask'd him , he still said , Your Worships wise , Then he committed him till the next day ; then sent for him again , and told him of his idle talking yesterday ; Why what did I say ? Why whatsoever I said to you , you still said , Your Worship 's wise , that I thought thou wert mad ; Truly , says he , if I said so , I think I was mad indeed . ( 259. ) 'T is said the Stork breeds on the tops of houses , in places made purposelie for her by the inhabitants and when she has bred up her young , she lets fall the fattest of them to her Landlord in point of gratitude ; So a Wench being bred on the alms of the Parish was got with-child , and went away and left it on the Parish ; Being ask'd the reason she told them the storie of the Stork . ( 260 ) A little slender Northern Lass was ask'd , how she durst venture on so big a man ; O , says she , a little worm may lie under a great stone . ( 261. ) Some Tylers working on the top of the house , one by chance dropt down thorrow the rafters ; Says one , I like such a fellow dearlie , for he is one that goes through his work . ( 262. ) A Lord haveing an Irish Footman whom he loved verie well , the Cook it seems had abused him ; upon which , to be revenged , he feigned himself sick ; The Lord came to him , and ask'd him what he wanted , for he 'd spare no cost to recover him . He finding his kindness to him , said , he long'd for a thing ( but 't was not fitting to ask it ) yet he knew 't would cure him ; Says the the Lord , Name it , and thou shalt have 't ; Then he desired that the Cook might fry him a good brown Turd with sweet butter , and then put some sugar upon it , and he 'd eat it . The Cook was commanded to do it ; but he refused it ; Says the Lord if you will not do it , I 'll turn you out o' th' doors ; Then he did fry it as he desired , and brought it up to him . Says the Footman , my Lord you know the Cook is my enemie , and I believe he has put some poison in it , and if he will not tast of it , I am sure it is so . Well , with much importunitie , the Cook took a bit and eat it ; O Pox , says the Footman ; that 's the onlie bit that I would have had ; seeing you have eat that , take all the rest . ( 263. ) A fat Man rideing upon a lean Horse , was ask'd , Why he was so fat , and the horse so lean ? said : Because I look to my self , and my Man to my horse . ( 264. ) A Wench complained to a Justice , that such a man would have ravish'd her : Says the Justice , Did he offer to tie anie part of thy bodie ? Yes , says she , he tied my hands so fast , that I could not stirr them ; and he would have tied my leggs too , but I had the grace to keep them far enough asunder . ( 264. ) Another Wench complained to a Justice , that such an one would have refresht her : Thou meanest , says the Justice , Ravish : Yes , Sir , says she , I meant so indeed . I warrant , says the Justice , this Rogue has ravish'd thee manie times before this ? And she , to aggravate the matter , said , Yes , Sir , at least twentie times before now : which sav'd his life . ( 265. ) Says a man ( haveing a candle in his hand ) By this candle wife I dreamt this night that thou madest me a Cuckold : She haveing a piece of bread in her hand , said , By this bread but I did not . Eat the bread : says he , Nay says she , eat you the candle ; for you swore first . ( 266. ) A Gentleman rideing near the Forrest of Whichwood in Oxfordshire , ask'd a Fellow what that wood was call'd ; He said Whichwood Sir ; Why that wood : Whichwood Sir. Why that wood I tell thee . He still said , Whichwood . I think , says the Gentleman , the man is Wood : Yes , says he , I believe one of us is so , but I can't tell which . ( 267. ) In the Rumps time the Troopers kept a Guard in St. Pauls Church , and an Essex man coming to town , heard that Troop was then upon the Guard which quartered at their town : So he went in and found the man that quartered at his house : O Landlord , says he , how de' e ? By my troth , says John , I am glad to see this blessed Reformation in London ; for in our Town we can't get the people to Church , but here the verie horses come to church . ( 268. ) A rich Fool was begg'd by a Lord of the King ; and the Lord coming to another Noblemans house , the Fool saw the picture of a Fool in the hangings , which he cut out ; and being chidden for it , answered , You have more cause to love me for it ; for if my Lord hath see the Picture of a Fool in the hangings , he may begg them of the King , as he did my Lands . ( 269. ) One being ask'd , why he married so little a Wife ? answered , Of all evils the least is to be chosen . ( 270. ) A poor Fellow came to a Bulk in Cheapside , and there he sate : But the Apprentice bid him be gone for a lowzie rogue : Says he , as lowzie as I am , I hold five pound I dine with such a Sheriff to day : So the wager was laid , and he comes to the Sheriffs house and desired to speak with him : What 's your business ? says he ; Sir , an 't please you , what is a wedge of gold of half a yard long worth ? Friend , says he , I am just going to dinner , sit down , and I will talk with you after dinner . After dinner he ask'd him about the Wedge of Gold : Trulie Sir , says he , I did not tell you I had anie such ; but onlie I ask'd you , What such a one was worth ? and if ever I find anie such , your VVorship shall have the first refusal . ( 271. ) A Gentleman landing at Rye in Sussex , in Queen Elizabeths days , and lying long in an Inn with his man , could not defray his charges . So his man went down to the host , and said his master was a Jesuit , and he would not stay with him : Upon which the Constable was call'd who apprehended him ; for 't was death then to conceal a Jesuit : So the town presentlie paid his charges , and brought him safelie up to London , and presented him to the Bishop there , who presentlie knew the Gentleman , and discharged him ; for he was a verie zealous Protestant , only his man and he devised this trick to pay off their Rye-score . ( 272 ) An Italian Traveller used to say , that the Portuguese seems a fool , and is so ; the Spaniard seems wise , and is a fool ; the Frenchman seems a fool , but is wise ; the Englishman is wise , but cannot shew it ; and the Dutchman would be wise , but for the pot and the pipe . ( 273. ) A Gentleman once requested a thing of an unchast Woman : No , says she , for had I an hundred things , you should have none of them ; Well , says he , but I knew the time , when haveing but one thing , you let a friend use it . ( 274. ) One ask'd why men sue always to women , and women never to men ; Because , says another , women are alwaies readie for men , and men not alwaies for women . ( 275. ) A Doctor in Oxford , at his own charges , was mending a Causey ; and a Nobleman rideing by , said , how now Doctor , I see you are mending the High-way , but it is not the High-way to Heaven : No my Lord , says he , if it were , I should have wondered to have seen your Lordship come this way . ( 276. ) One affirmed , that he had seen a Cabbage so big , that five hundred men on horseback might stand under its shade : And I for my part , says another , have seen a Caldron so wide , that three hundred men wrought therein , each distant from the other twenty yards ; Then the Cabbage-lyer ask'd him , For what use was that Caldron ? Says he , To boil your Cabbage in . ( 277. ) A Gentleman coming hungry home call'd for a dinner ; His man told him , it had newlie struck ten● ; Puh , says he , don't tell me of ten by the Clock , when it has struck twelve by my Stomach . ( 278. ) Pope Sixtus the Fifth was a poor mans Son , and his Fathers house was so ill thatcht , that the Sun came in at manie places ; Upon which he would sport with his Nobilitie , saying , he was the Son of an Illustrious house . ( 279. ) A Chandler haveing had some Candles stole ; One bid him be contented ; for in a short time , says he , I am confident they 'll all come to light . ( 280 ) Bishop Bonner told Henrie the eight , if he sent him on such a rough Message to the French King , he 'd take his head off ; if he does , says the King , I 'll take a thousand of his Subjects heads off . I Sir , says he , but I question whether anie of them will fit my shoulders . ( 281. ) Noy the Lawyer , thinking to abuse a Countrey Fellow driveing his Cart , ask'd him why his forehorse was so fat , and the rest so lean ; He could not well tell , but he thought the forehorse was a Lawyer , and the rest his Clients : for which conceit he gave him an Angel. ( 282. ) A Templer going at Christmas into Yorkshire to his Father , took some other Templers a long with him ; and one of the Holydays he would have them to an Ale-house hard by , where the woman was deaf ; So coming thither , O my young Master , says she , I ha'n't seen you this seven years : Then he thinking to abuse her , drank to her , saying , here 's to thee , and to all the Rogues , Whores and Bawds in England : She seeing his lips go , but hearing him not , said , Come Sir I 'll pledge you , for I know you drink to your Father , and your Mother , and those good Gentlewomen your Sisters . ( 283. ) One told his Wife that he heard for certain that they were all counted Cuckolds in their town but one man ; Who dost think that should be ? says he : Faith , says she , Husband , I cannot think who it is . ( 284. ) An Oxford Schollar blowing of his fire , it seems the nose of the bellows dropt off : Faith , says he , I see 't is cold weather , for the nose of the bellows drops . ( 285. ) A Tenant of the Archbishop of York , came to his house to pay some rent , and being in the Hall , the Bishop came by and ask'd who it was : An 't please your worships Honour , says he , I am come to bring you some rent ; Then he went into the Parlour , and they told the man , that he must say , An 't please your Grace ; But the Bishop coming out again , he was at An 't please your VVorships Honour : They told him he must say , Grace . Must I so ? says he , then putting his hat before his eyes , he said , The eyes of all things , &c. ( 286. ) One was a saying , that men are guiltie of a manie faults , as drinking , diceing , whoreing , &c. but women are guiltie of but two faults in all , that is ( poor souls ) onlie naught in words , and naught in deeds . ( 287. ) One that had been drinking a long time together , till he was reeling ripe , began to spew most plentifullie , and still calls ( as he spews ) for a reckoning : Says one to him , Methinks Sir , you that have so often cast up what you have drunk , should know what 's to pay . ( 288. ) A prettie Countrey Maid coming to Oxford Market , and rideing into an Inn there , she , as she used to do , being nimble , leapt off , but the pummel being high , catcht hold of her petticoat , and shew'd almost all she had : Says a Schollar to her , Sweetheart , you have a verie clear skin : Says she , Do you like the sight on 't so well ? why did you not come and kiss it , to take your leave on 't ? for you are never like to see it again . ( 289. ) Some women resolved to abuse two Friars ; for they laid a Hog under the table , and said 't was the womans dead Husband , and they were to sing a Dirge for his soul ; and dureing the Service , the women titter'd and laught : Which one of the Friars spying , whilest they went into the next room to laugh out ; the Friars took up the cloath , saw the Hog , and that they were abused , took him up , and carried him quite away ; which the women seeing , called after them ; but they said , It was a Brother of theirs and must be buried in their Convent . ( 290. ) A great Eater haveing a lustie piece of roast-beef set before him , he began to cut somtimes at one end , and somtimes at the other ; The woman desired him to cut it handsomlie , and in one place ; Peace , says he , it is no matter at which end I begin , for I intend to make an end of it all before I go . ( 291. ) Hugh Peters in his antick preaching , took occasion to reprehend the modish Gallants of those times , saying , Beloved , the Apparel which men now wear , makes them seem like Apes in their short breeches ; And the Gentlewomen forsooth , must have their Gowns hang dagling half a yard upon the ground to draw after them , a verie unseemlie sight . Now to rectifie this disorder , You women must take up your coats , and you men must let down your Breeches ; Yet do not mistake me , I mean you women must make your Coats shorter , and you men your Breeches longer . ( 292. ) One who had been a great Traveller in France , upon his return was ask'd by a friend , what he thought of the men of that Countrey ? to which he replied , They of Berrie , are Leahers ; they of Tourain , Thieves ; they of Languedock , Traytors ; they of Provence , Atheists ; they of Rheims , Superstitious , they of Normandie , insolent ; and they of Picardie , proud . ( 293. ) One Dr. B. haveing newlie married a Wife , was verie kind to her , and carrying her one day down into the Countrey , as they rid along he would oftentimes turn his face backwards , and take a salute of her cherrie lips ; which occasioned one to write this Epigram upon him . The Doctor to avoid all further strife , Rideing before , turn'd back to kiss his wife ; And was not the Doctor then wondrous kind , Rideing before , to kiss his wife behind ? ( 296. ) One who had been a Traveller through the principal cities of Italie was at his return asked , What was his opinion of them ; To which he answered , that Rome was the chief for Religion ; Naples , for Nobilitie ; Millain , for Beautie ; Genoa , for stateliness ; Florence , for Policie ; and Venice for Riches . ( 297. ) One being desired to eat some Oysters resused , saying , they were ungodlie meat , unchristianlie meat , uncharitable meat , and unprofitable meat ; And being demanded his reason why he said it ; he answered , They were ungodlie meat , because they were eaten without saying of Grace ; unchristianlie meat , because the Creature was eaten alive ; uncharitable meat , because they left no offal to the poor ; and unprofitable meat , because most commonlie there was more spent upon them than the Oysters cost . ( 298. ) One who came to Scoggin to be confessed , told him that he had stolen an halter ; Well , said Scoggin , to steal an halter is no great matter ; But , said the fellow , there was an horse tied at the end of it . I marrie , quoth Scoggin , there is somthing in that ? there is difference between an horse and an halter ; You must therefore restore the owner the horse , and when you have don that , come to me ; and I 'll absolve you for the halter . ( 299. ) A Woman going to the burying of her fifth Husband , one was reckoning upon his fingers how many she had ; and beginning with his little finger , at last came to his thumb , saying , She had made an hand of them all . ( 300. ) One was saying , that there was nothing which he could imagin , that was more valiant than the collar of a Millers shirt : And being ask'd what reason he had to think so : he replied , Because that everie morning it had a Thief by the neck . ( 301. ) A Lawyer being very sick was moved to make his will , which he accordingly did , giving away all his estate to Lunatick , Frantick and mad people : And being demanded his reason why he did so ; He answered , that from such he had it , and to such he would give it again . ( 302. ) A Knight of Surrey haveing wasted a great Estate at Court , and bringing himself to one park , and a fine house in it , was yet ambitious to entertain the Queen at it ; and to that purpose had new painted his gates with a Coat of Arms and Motto written thus , OIA VANITAS in great golden letters : the Lord Cecil offering to read it , desired to know of the Knight what he meant by OIA ? who told him it stood for Omnia . To which Cecil replied , Sir , I wonder haveing made your Omnia so little , you should notwithstanding make your Vanitas so large . ( 303. ) One held a Paradox , That wise men were the greatest liars ; For ( said he ) the proverb tells us , that Children and Fools tell truth . ( 304. ) A man came to a painter , and desir'd him to paint him a Bear for his sign , the painter advised him to have a gold chain on the neck , he told him no , for he would not go to the charge , then he drew the Bear in colours , not laid in oil , and the first rain wash'd the Bear quite away , hey day , says the man , my bear 's gone , why yes , says the painter , did not I advise you to have a chain about the neck , and then you may be certain , your bear could never a gone away , why says he , 't is the rain hath wash'd away my bear , why yes , says the painter , and if you had had a chain 't would have reign'd him in , that he could not have gone away . ( 305. ) A Fellow passing Lndgate at night , the Constable ask'd him whither he was going : he said , he could not tell , the Constable was sending him to the Counter . Why look you says the Fellow , did not I tell you I could not tell you whither I was going , for did I know you 'd send me to the Counter , for which conceit he was releas'd . ( 306. ) A Fellow that kept an Inn to entertain thieves and what they had stolen laid it up for them , and always had his share : but at last his house being mistrusted 't was searcht , and he found to be an abettor though not a robber , and still he followed them for his part : so he and his two complices were both condemned , and as they were going all three to the Gallows , the two thieves went before with a courage , but he came dragling after , which one of the thieves seeing laught heartily at it , and beind ask'd his reason by the Sherriff , told him , that he could not chuse but laugh to see that fellow follow them for his part . ( 307. ) A Knight in Warwickshire , that was very hospitable , especially at Christmas ; when he always invited all his tenants to dinner , which said Knight had always a Jackanapes tied at the parlor door , and as the countrey women came in , he would snatch at their petticoats , and then grin in their faces : which a discreet woman observing , ask'd what it was ; 't was told her he was a Jackanapes : with that as she came by the parlor door , she makes him a great courtesie , and says , By 'r leave , good Master Jan , an , apes , with that he pluckt and grin'd at her more than all the rest , fie , fie , says she , you don't do well truly Sir to grin and jear at an honest woman , whose husband has paid Scott and lott in the parish this twentie years , and I am sure I am old enough to be your Mother , indeed you are to blame . ( 308. ) A Quaker came into the court to speak with the King , and was marching through the presence and privy chamber with his hat on , insomuch that some of the Kings servants would have pluckt off his hat , but the King bid 'em let him alone , and when he came to the King he was telling him a long story : a little after the king upon some occasion put off his hat : nay , says the Quaker , O King , thou mayest be covered if thou wilt : well , says the King , if I give you your libertie , I hope you 'l allow me mine . ( 309. ) Some Gentlemen were rideing into the countrey to be merry , and coming near a countrey town , they saw a cucking stool , and an old woman near it a spinning : come says one of them you shall see how I 'll abuse this old woman , good woman says he , what was that chair made for , she told him he knew well enough what it was : no , says he , I do not know , unless it be the chair you use to spin in : O fie , says she , you must needs know it , for 't is a Cradle your good Mother has often layn in . ( 310. ) A man lately was advised to adventure something at the royal Oak Lotterie , no , says he , for there 's not one in an hundred hath any luck but Cuckolds , which his sweet wife hearing said , dear husband I pray venture , for I am certain you 'd have good luck . ( 311. ) A prettie Girle at a coffie house , about fourteen years of age , a Gentleman ask'd her mother when she should be married , O , says her mother , 6 or 7 years hence is time enough , O fie mother , says she , how strangely you talk : Why then , says her Mother , within this month if you won't girle , I marry mother says she , now you talk like your self , for I have often heard you say ; you were married at fourteen , and must I now be married by Sixes and Sevens . ( 312. ) Two Gallants rideing into the countrey , overtook a miller upon an ass , come says one to t'other , let 's abuse this miller : then says one of them to him , prethee Miller tell us what 's the reason thy ass does always keep such a braying , truly Gentlemen , says he , he does not always do so , but when he hears anie of his kindred come after him then he makes this noise forsooth . ( 313. ) A Gentleman being at a great Lords table told him a storie of a great piece of Chimistrie lately , which he saw perfected in Flandres ; and it was a general cure for all diseases , nay , says he , I could not have believ'd it , if I had not seen it my self ; at which the Lord wondered much , and askt a grave Philosopher which then sate at the table what he thought of this story : Why truly my Lord , says he , that Gentleman hath spoken my sence , for he said he would not have believ'd it unless he had seen it : and trulie no more will I. ( 314. ) A countreyman near Oxford , was saying that he had been bargaining with two women for such and such commodities , but says he , I found them both to be cheating whores , impudent whores , and scolding whores ; well neighbour , says one of them , now you talk so much of whores , does your daughter go to Abbing●on Market to morrow or no. ( 315. ) Some Thieves met with a man and robb'd him , and bound him in a wood , a little after they met with another , and robb'd and bound him also , and set him on the other side the hedge hard by the first , then one of them cry'd out , saying I 'm undon , I 'm undon , the other hearing him say so pray'd him that he would come and undo him too , seeing he was undon himself . ( 316. ) A Quaker that had taken one of his female Saints to wife , about a fortnight after , he found she had given him a lusty clap , that he became very ill , insomuch that another Quaker came to him , and ask'd him how he did , he said not well : the other mistrusting how it was with him ( he haveing given her the clap before ) told him he 'd go with him to a Surgeon that should cure him ; being come , the Surgeon ask'd him what was his distemper , he said he was not well , I ask you what 's your distemper , still he said , he was not well , then the Surgeon being a chollerick fellow , said , what a pox is your distemper , I that , that , that 's it , says he . ( 317. ) A Fellow of a colledg in Oxford desired one the last winter to lend him Sir Walter Rawleig's history of the world ; he sent him word that he could not spare it out of his chamber , but if he pleased to come thither he might use it all day there : a little after the other desired of him to lend him his bellows , he sent him word he could not spare them out of his chamber , but if he pleased to come thither he might use them all the day long . ( 318. ) A Lord desired his Chaplain to write a copy of verses on his Lady , who was a verie great shrew , it was promised but not performed , the Lord asking reason of his delay , said the Chaplain , What need you my Lord desire a copie , when you have the Original ? my Ladie hearing thereof , caused the Chaplain to be discharged , and so he paid for his wit. ( 319. ) A countrey fellow , who had never seen London , was abused one day by some young clerks of an Inn of Chancerie , who thereupon complained to the Principal of the house in this matter ; I have been much abused by a companie of Rascals belonging to this house , and being informed you are the Principal , I thought good to acquaint you therewith . ( 320. ) Some Neighbours that dwelt all in a row on one side of the street , were resolved to be merrie with their wives , said one , they say we are all Cuckolds who live on this side , but one , hereupon his wife was in her dumps , how now Sweetheart , said he , why so sad ? I am not sad said she , but I am studieing who that one of our Neighbours it should be , that is not a Cuckold . ( 321. ) A Ladie sent her Servant to the Play-house to know what was acted that day , The fellow asking the question , he was answered , Go tell your Lady 'T is pittie she is a Whore , the fellow misunderstanding , and thinking this was spoke of his Ladie , and not of the Play , replied , 'T is pitie such a parcel of Rogues , Rascals , and idle Sons of Whores should abuse honest women after this manner . ( 322. ) A Parson haveing in his sermon much inveighed against Usurie , saying it was a sin as bad as willfull Murder ; a little after wanting money , he went to one of his Parishioners , and desired the loan of twentie pounds gratis for 3. months , the man remembering the Parsons Sermon , said , trulie Sir , If to lend money upon use be in your opinion as great a sin as Murder , in my opinion to lend money gratis is a greater sin than Man-slaughter . ( 323. ) A Gentleman whose name was Church sitting in a Chimnie-corner in the winter time drinking of a pot of ale , ask'd the question , Whether anie of the companie ever saw a Chimnie in a Church , no , said one , but I now see a Church in a Chimnie-corner . ( 324. ) Mr. Church another time was telling his friend that his wife was with-child , and withal so big , that he could not chose but wonder everie time he lookt upon her ; You need not wonder , said his friend , do you not know your wife hath a Church in her bellie ? ( 325. ) A man and his wife being in bed together , towards morning she pretended her self ill at ease , desireing to lie on her husbands side , the good man to please her , came over , makeing some short stay in his passage ; she had not laid long , but desired to lie in her own place again , quoth he , how can this be done ? she answered , come over me again : I had rather said he go half a mile about . ( 326. ) A citizen dying greatlie in debt , it coming to his Creditors ears , farewell said one , there is somuch of mine gone with him ; and he carried somuch of mine , said another ; one hearing them make their several complaints , said , well , I see now that though a man can carrie nothing of his own out of this world , yet he may carrie a great deal of other mens . ( 327. ) An indigent Gentleman was perswaded to marrie a Prostitute , for no other reason than that she was rich , and perhaps might turn ; Turn , said the Gentleman , she hath been so much worn , that she is past turning . ( 328. ) A verie wicked extravagant fellow boasting of his travels , and amongst the rest of those incredible things he had seen , said , that he had been on the verie top of Teneriff ( which is accounted one of the highest Hills in the world ; ) one ask'd him why he did not stay there , for he was perswaded he would never be so near heaven again . ( 329. ) One seeing an answer in Chancerie written five words in a line , and not above ten lines in a folio page , ask'd why they were writ so wide ; one answered , it was don to keep the peace , for if the Plaintiff should be in one line , and the Defendant in the orher , the lines being too near , they would go together by the ears . ( 330. ) A handsome woman , but dishonest , was frequentlie reproved by a relation for her levitie and disobedience , frequeutlie inculcating , that her husband was her head , and therefore should both love and obey him : in a little time she undid her husband , and was forced to flie for it ; being reproved again by the same partie for her extravagant lewd actions ; Pray forbear , said she , and meddle with your own business , I have injured none but my self , and that is hy breaking my own head . ( 331. ) A citizen that was more tender of himself than his wife , usuallie in cold weather made her go to bed first , and when he thought her plump buttocks had sufficientlie warmed his place , he then came and removed her out of it , and lay in it himself ; and to make himself merrie , called her his warming-pan ; she not being able to endure this indignitie anie longer , one night ( Sir Reverence ) she did shit a bed ; he leaping into it , and finding himself in a stinking condition , cried out , O wife I am beshit , no husband , says she , it is but a coal dropt out of your Warming-pan . ( 332. ) A certain person latelie attempted the violation of the honor of a verie virtuous Gentlewoman by this stratagem ; as they were alone together he pretended his back itcht , and therefore desired the Gentlewoman to scratch it , who suspecting nothing , consented , in the m●an time this beastlie fellow obscenelie shewed what nature would , and modestie must hide , saying , Madam look whether I am not of the nature of a cat , who being scratcht on the back will play with her tail : the Gentlewoman all in confusion , furiouslie flung from him , and with much indignation related the affront to her husband , who bid her not disquiet her self , and he would verie speedilie find out a way to be revenged , and thus it was , he invited him one day to dinner , and to remove all suspicion he entertain'd him verie liberallie , haveing dined , he took him to the Balconie , where haveing discoursed him a while , at length he took him up by the twist and threw him over , which was a great hight from the ground , saying , If you have the nature of a cat , no doubt you will pitch upon your leggs . ( 333. ) A Gentleman amongst companie was relateing a Jest of a Servitor in the Universitie , who was commanded by his Tutor to go down to the kitchin and heat some meat , who instead thereof did eat it , justifieing the act by saying , H non est litera ; how , said the stander by , is H no letter ? I am sorrie for that , for my name being Hill , 't will be then Ill. ( 334. ) An arch young wagg hearing one morning the cry of Kitchin-stuff , called the woman to him , and ask'd her what she cried ? Kitching-stuff said she , what 's that quoth he ? she replied it was that dropt from flesh : say you so , said be , call to morrow and I will furnish you with some , the next morning she came , and this wagg in the time had prepared a pot half full of sir reverence ; the woman according to custom put her arm into the pot , and drawing it out saw how she was abused , and began to be angrie ; nay , nay , says the young man , you have no cause for passion , have not I fullfilled my promise in fnrnishing you with what drops from flesh ? it is verie true , said she , and now I think on it , your flesh appears to me verie dry ( and stroaking his face with her sh ... hand ) wants a little greasing , and stands in need I think of basting too . ( 335. ) Two seeing an handsome young wench pass by them whom they knew manie grains too light , but verie poor , one said it was a wonder to see such a wench so bare : it is no wonder , said the other , for she is common . ( 336. ) There was a Gentlewoman named Cunnie , who was of a free jollie , yet innocent disposition ; a Gentlewoman chanced to take lodgings in the same house where she lay , whose name was Parsley ; being ask'd one day how he liked Mrs. Cunney , verie well , said he , but I like her much better were Mrs. Cunney stuft with Parsley . ( 337. ) One asked another why men were not content to tell lies , but they must publish them in print , the reason is apparent , said the other , because when men lie they most desire to lie in sheets . ( 338. ) Three young concieted wits sitting in a Tavern verie merrie , it chanced that a grave old Gentleman with a long gray beard looked into the room , whom , as soon as they had espied , to show their wit , saluted him with the name of Father Abraham , the other with Isaac , and the third with Jacob ; I am , said the Gentleman , neither Father Abraham , Isaac , nor Jacob , but Saul the Son of Kish , who went to seek his Fathers Asses , and here I find them , and here I leave them . ( 339. ) A young Maid coming fresh out of the countrey , was courted by a person of Qualitie , whom she understood was poxt ; he daylie wooed her , and promised her marriage ; she refused , and being ask'd the reason , why she ( that was meanlie born ) would not marrie one , that would not onlie enrich her , but enoble her blood ? I will not , said she , corrupt my flesh to better my bloud for anie Prince in Christendom . ( 340. ) A Wit at Cambridge in King James his time , was ordered to preach at St. Maries before the Vice-Chancellour and the heads of the Universitie , who formerlie had observed the drowsiness of the Vice-Chancellour , and thereupon took this place of scripture for his text , What ? cannot ye watch one hour ? At everie division he concluded with his text , which , by reason of the Vice-Chancellours sitting so near the pulpit , often awaked him ; this was so noted by the wits , that it was the talk of the whole University , and withal it did so nettle the Vice-Chancellour , that he complained to the Arch-Bishop of Canterburie , who willing to redess him , sent for this Schollar up to London to defend himself against the crime laid to his charge , where coming , he made so many proofs of his extraordinary wit , that the Arch-Bishop enjoyned him to paeach before King James , after some excuses he at length condescended , and coming into the pulpit , begins , James the first and the sixth ; Waver not ; meaning the first King of England , and the sixth of Scotland ; at first the King was somwhat amazed at the Text , but in the end was so well pleased with his sermon that he made him one of the Chaplains in ordinary ; after this advancement , the Arch-Bishop sent him down to Cambridge to make his recantation to the Vice-Chancellour , and to take leave of the University ; which he accordingly did , and took the latter part of the verse of his former Text , Sleep on now and take your rest , concludeing his Sermon , he made his Apology to the Vice-Chancellour , Saying , whereas I said before , ( which gave offence ) What ? cannot you watch one hour ? I say now , sleep on , and take your rest , and so left the University . ( 341. ) A learned and charitable Doctor having made ( for the benefit of the countrey wherein he dwelt ) a large Causey , whilst he was overseeing his work , a Nobleman of his acquaintance chanced to ride that way , who seeing the Doctor , saluted him kindly , thinking to jeer him into the bargain ; Dr. quoth he , for all your pains and expences , I suppose this is not the highway to heaven : I think , replied the Doctor , you have hit the nail on the head , for if it had , I should have wondred to have met your Lordship here . ( 342. ) A Gentlewoman , to be in the fashion , must needs ( like her neighbours ) have a friend , or Gallant besides her husband ; haveing singled out one day one ( whom she thought fit for her purpose ) privatly she told him , how dearly she loved him , above all men ; her husband chancing to over-hear her ; said , Sir , believe her not ; for she hath told me the same manie times this seven years , and God knows how manie more besides . ( 343. ) Mr. Dunscom , and one Mr. Cox living one near the other in the countrey , fell out about five foot of ground , and nothing must serve but the law to decide the controversie : to 't they went , and sued one another so long , that they were forced at last to prosecute the Suit each of them in formâ pauperis ; at length the case coming to a definitive hearing , and the Judge understanding how long they had been vexatious , to the utter ruin of each other , said thus , Gentlemen , there hath been a scandal cast upon the Law for its tediousness in mens recovering their rights , the fault is not in the Law , but in you and such like , who delight in long and tedious Suits to the destruction of their own and anothers family . But to the business in hand ; here is five foot of land in controversie between you , and both of you have brought equal arguments to prove the propriety ; wherefore my sentence shall be , that the five foot of land be equally divided ; and now let me desire you Mr. Dunscomb to permit me to divide your name too , take comb and put it to cox ; then your name will be Dunce , and his Coxcomb ; and so gave order for their names to be registred on Record . ( 344. ) A Gentleman speaking of his long and large Travels , was interrupted by a Lady , who said she had travelled farther than him , if so Madam , says he , as Travellers we may lie together by authority . ( 345. ) A Gentlewoman sitting carelesly by a fire side , sate stradling , her husband in a pleasant humour told her , that her cabinet stood open : say you so , said she , why don't you lock it then ? for I am sure that none keeps the Key but you self . ( 346. ) A Countrie Gentleman rideing down Cornhill , his horse stumbled and threw him into a shop ; the Mrs. thereof being a pleasant woman , not forbearing smileing , ( seeing there was no hurt don ) ask'd him , whether his horse used so to serve him , yes , said he , when he comes just against a Cuckolds door ; Then in troth , said she , you are like to have a fortie falls before you come to the upper end of Cheap-side . ( 347. ) A man and his dog ( named Cuckold ) going together in the evening returning home , the dog ran in a doors first ; O mother , says the boy , Cuckold's come ; Nay then , says the Mother , your Father is not far off I am sure . ( 348. ) What a sad condition am I in , said a fellow in the Stocks ? I can see over the wood , under the wood , and through the wood , but can't get out of the Wood. ( 349. ) One Phanatick said to another , that he hoped God would not lay it to his charge that he had fasted one day last Lent ; how , said the other , I hope it was not on Good-Friday , as they call it ; no , said the other , but it was on Ash-Wednesday , as they call it , why that 's as bad said the other ; But hear the truth brother , I did eat so much on Shrove-Tuesday , as they call it , that I could not eat a bit the day after , as they call it . ( 350. ) A foolish wench meerly out of revenge complained to a Justice , that such a man would have ravish'd her ; what did he do , says he ? he tied my hands so fast I could not stirr them ; and what else ? Why Sir , said she , He would have tied my leggs too , but I had the wit to keep them far enough asunder . ( 351. ) One Gentleman desired another to drink more than he could bare , and therefore he refused ; the other swore if he did not drink off that glass he would run him through ; nay , rather than that , said the other , I will run my self through , and pledge you afterwards , and so running through the door down stairs , left the other to pay the reckoning . ( 352. ) A Gentleman , that was a great drinker , said , when he died he would leave fifty pound to be drank in wine in manner and form following , at these Taverns , ten pound at the Wonder in Ludgate-street , for honest men , and no Brewers , ten pound at the Castle for Militarie men , ten pound at the Miter for Clergy men , ten pound at the Horn Tavern for citizens , and ten pound at the Devil Tavern for Lawyers . ( 353. ) A Bastard told his friend that he was as much beholding to such a man , as to his own father ; Yes , said he , but I believe you are more beholding to your Mother to chuse you such a Father , then to your Father to chuse you such a Mother . ( 354. ) A handsome Wench , and very gentile in habit , was brought by a Constable before a Justice late at night ; the Justice finding no matter of fact , only bare suspicion , in favour of her , bid the constable take her home to his house for that night ; That I shall do Sir , says he , if your worship will be pleased to commit my wife till the morning . ( 355. ) A Person one Sabboth day , and that very lately , went to the Queens Chappel more out of curiosity than devotion , who haveing tired himself with the observation of Romish Ceremonies , he went out of the chappel , and seeing bills affixed to the Pillars , drew near , and as he was reading to himself , a Matron like woman in very good Apparel came to him , and ask'd him what he read , Mistress , said he , this bill signifies that a person being sick , desires to be pray'd for by such as come hither , What is it I pray , said the old Gentlewoman , ( pretending deafness , and gathering up closer to him ) it is , said he , as afore said , speaking lowder . The third time she ask'd him the same question , saying , Sir , excuse me , I am very deaf , pray speak a little lowder , which he did to satisfie her , by this time she pickt his pocket , and haveing so don , she dropt him a low curtsie , saying , I hear you now Sir , I give you manie thanks , for you have given me good satisfaction , and so went her way out to his great dissatisfaction , when he came home , he could not find one cross in his pocket . ( 356. ) A Lancashire man passing by the Watch at Ludgate , they stopt him ; but he would not be stopt , for he was in hast : they still detaining him , he askt them what they were ? The Watch , said they ; the watch , quoth he , what watch you for ? the King , said they ( meaning the Kings watch ) , for the King , quoth he , then by my troth I can bring verie good witness that I am no such a man ; for I'es een Billy Noddy's Son of Lancashire . ( 357. ) A Gentleman being newly trimmed , the barber left only some hairs on his upper lip ; visiting a Gentlewoman she innocently said , Sir , you have a beard above , and none below ; and you , says he , Madam , have a beard below and none above , say you so , says she , then put one against t'other . ( 358. ) A Travellor in a cold frosty night , coming to his Inn , he stood so near the Kitchen fire , that he burnt his boots ; which the Turn-spit-boy seeing ; said , Sir , you will burn your spurs presently ; my boots thou meanest boy ; No Sir , said he , they are burned alreadie . ( 359. ) An arch Countrey fellow haveing been at London , upon his return was ask'd by his she Neighbour , what news he heard there , news quoth he , all the news that I heard was , that there was a great press out for Cuckolds ; Is there so , said she , then to avoid the worst my Husband shall not stir out of doors , till the press be over . ( 360. ) A light House-wife married one whose name was Not , whom she cuckold and buried , at her death these verses were made on her , Not a Maid , Not a Wife , Not a Widdow , Not a Whore , She was not these , and yet she was all four . ( 361. ) A Gentleman pretending to have a great desire to marry , ask'd advice of a friend concerning so weighty a matter ; a mad Hec. of the Town hearing thereof , sent him these lines , I know not whether designedly to divert him from marriage , or to shew his own ( Ala Mode ) aversion to it . Out of stark love and errant devotion , Of Marriage , I 'll give you this galloping notion . 'T is bane of all business , the end of all pleasure , Consumption of youth , wit , virtue , and treasure . 'T is the Rack of our thoughts , Night-mare of our Sleeps , That calls us to work before the day peeps ; Commands to make brick without stuble or straw , For a C ... hath no sense , nor conscience , or law . If you must be for flesh , take the way that is noble , In a generous wench there is nothing of trouble . You come on , you go off , say , do what you please , And the worst you can fear is but a disease , And diseases you know may hope for a cure , But the pain of being married who can it endure . ( 362. ) A Lawyer being sick made his will , and gave away his estate to Lunatick , Frantick , and Mad-people , being ask'd why he did so , he answered , That from such he recieved it , and to such he would give it again . ( 363. ) A Gentleman one night very late , or early in the morning , and half fudled , yet had wit enough , was called before the constable , who ask'd him where he was going , he replied he could not tell ; then said the constable you shall go to the counter ; look you there said the Gentleman , did I not tell you , I could not tell whither I was going , For did I know , whether you would let me go home , or send me to prison , for which conceit he was released . ( 364. ) A Quaker coming to court to speak with the King about the Lord knows what , past through the Presence , and Privy-chamber with his hat on , which some would have taken off , but the King bid them let him alone , whilst he was telling a long rible rable story , the King took an occasion to take off his own hat ; hereupon the Quaker stopt , and said , O King thou maist be covered , if thou wilt . Well , says the King , if I give you your libertie , I hope you will allow me mine . ( 365. ) Some Gentlemen travelling , and coming near a town , saw an old woman spinning near a Duckin-stool ; one to make the company merry , ask'd the good woman , what that chair was made for ? said she , you know what it is ; indeed , says he , I know not , unless it be the chair you use to spin in sometimes ; no no , said she , you know it to be otherwise : Have you not heard that it is the cradle your good mother hath often layn in . ( 366. ) One seeing a Drawer drunk , said , that the wine was even with him ; For he had pierced the Wines Hogs-head , and the wine had pierced his . ( 367. ) Two Jesuits sitting in a Coffee house , told a great many forreign stories , which a Gentleman , and a great Traveller sitting by , knew to be notorous lies , but contradicted them not ; but told one of his own makeing , which was , that now is to be seen at St. Albans , a Stone Trough , which that Saint kept a long time to preserve water for his necessary use , and that ever since if Swine should eat anie thing out of it , they would die instantly ; the Jesuits hearing this , resolved the next day to ride and see this holy Relict : coming to St. Albans , they found no such matter ; and returning home , taxt the Gentleman with telling such an untruth , saying , they had taken pains to ride and see it , but found no such thing : Gentlemen , said he , I thought you had been more civil ; you told me the other night an hundred palpable lies , and I went not about to disprove you , and I told you but one , and you , by your own confession , have rid twenty miles to do it . ( 368. ) A Lady of great quality had a female Dwarf to attend on her , the excellency of whose features , and acutness of wit , so engaged her Ladies affection to her , that nothing could plead an equality or esteem with her breast , and fearing that death would too soon deprive her of this pretty little Animal , one day she proposed to her a marriage , that thereby she might by the smalness of the issue , have her remembrance continued ; but all the Ladies trouble consisted in this , that she knew not where to get an husband so little that would fit her ; Madam , said she , take you no care for that , I have lately been in your Ladyships Celler , and there I found Casks of several Sizes , viz. The great bellied Hogs-head , the slender , yet long pipe , the little Kilterkin , and the lesser Ferkin , and yet observing their Bung-holes , I found them all much about an equal wideness . ( 369. ) One who all his life time was a great Drole , and full of Jokes , on his death-bed , was visited by an intimate friend , and a Physician , who for some reasons , best known to himself , put his hand into the bed to feel the patients feet , the other percieving his intent drew them up to him ; said the Doctor , Sir , where are your feet ? the patient replied , Mr. Doctor , the proverb saith , after forty , either a Fool , or a Physician , and I think you are both , I pray where should my feet be but at the end of my legs ? ( 370. ) A couragious Captain just as he was about to ingage , was told by some , who had rather eat than fight , that the enemie was five times their number ; are they so , said he , no whit dismayed ? I am very glad , for then there are enough to be killed , enough to he taken Prisoners , and enough to run away . ( 371. ) One ask'd another how he could take a kick of the arse so patiently , Prithee , said he , because an Ass kickt me , must I kick the Ass again . ( 372. ) I see you do all under Colour , said the Glazier to the Painter , seeing him at work , go your ways for a Rogue , replied he , you are alwaies picking quarrels . ( 373. ) One told a Gentlewoman , whorish and barren , that she was very fruitfull ; how can that be Sir , said she , since I never had anie Children ? That 's nothing , Madam , said he , nevertheless you bear manie . ( 374. ) Two men walking through a Church-yard , one of them affirmed , that hell was nothing els but a grave , for Shoal in the Hebrew , signifies the Grave , though it is translated Hell ; the other having lately buried there a shrew'd curst Wife , pointing to her grave , said , then one of the greatest Devils in Hell lies there . ( 375. ) A Welshman rideing with a charge of money behind him , was set upon by a thief , who bade him deliver immediatly ; or ( drawing a Pistol ) said , he would make it bounce through him ; says her so , said the Welshman , why then her had better give her money , that is her masters , and spare her life , that is her own , and thereupon delivered . Now pray Sir , said the Welshman , since her hath her money , let her hear one pounce for it ; for her never heard the pounce of a cun . The good natured Thief , to satisfie the curiosity of the Welshman , ( whom he look't on as a verie silly fellow ) discharged his pistol , which Ecchoed in many places , Cuds splutter nails , said the Welshman , it was a gallant pounce , and there was manie little pounces too ; good her Urship let her have one pounce more for her money , and her will be satisfied : So the Thief discharged the other ; at which the Welshman seem'd better pleased than before , and ask'd if he had no more pounces ; no , said the Thief , I have no more . No , said the Welshman , then her has one pounce in store , which her will make pounce through her immediatly , if her deliver not her money back presently , and so forced the thief to re-deliver . ( 376. ) A Countrey man haveing never seen a Ship , came to the Custom-house-key ; where seeing so manie wonders , he chanced to ask a dutchman what that was called , pointing to a great Ship ; ich queet neet ; and what do you call that , said he , pointing to a less : ich queet neet , said he again ( that is , I understand not ) hey day , said the Countrey fellow , are there great Queet neets , and little Queet neets too ? Being afterwards informed it was called a Ship ; he ask'd how old it was ? It is two years old said one , How , said the fellow , and so big already ? Lord what a huge mastie thing it will be by that time it is as old as I am . ( 377. ) A conceited pragmatical , coming into a mixt company , talked incessantly ; and to shew his wit and learning , singled out one whose countenance promised little , yet an excellent Schollar , and ask'd him many frivolous questions , which he answered very slightingly , or replied to them not at all , this Pragmatico grew to that impertinence , as to ask him , whether he had ever learned his Grammer ? yes , said he , I have read Despauters ; to try you , said the other , his second rule is this , Esto foeminium recepit quae foemina tantum . Now , said he , Mater , cujus generis , ( Mother , what gender is it ) to which the other replied , Mater fi mea sit est foeminini generis , si tua est communis ; Mother , if mine is the feminine , if thine the common . ( 378. ) A very honest and prudent Gentleman had the ill fortune to marry a Wife a grain too light ; one day returning home , he went up the stairs , and found his Chamber door open , entring , he caught his wife and the adulterer ( who were so intent upon their sport that they minded nothing els ) in the very act ; the gentleman seemingly unmov'd , said , Wife , Wife , Indeed you don't do well to expose your own and my reputation thus to the hazard of being lost by carelesness : Sure in a business , that so nearly concerns us both , you might have shut the door ; I pray consider , what if any one els had come and caught you in this posture ; and so went and left them ; the mildness of this reproof so effectually wrought upon this woman , that she ever after abhorred the thought of enjoying any other man but her husband . ( 379. ) One said he Sung as well as most men in Europe , and thus he proved it , the most men in Europe do not sing well , therefore I sing as well as most men in Europe . ( 380. ) One speaking of the great Fire in London , said , Canon-street roar'd , Milk-street was burnt too , Wood-street was burnt to ashes , Bread-street was burnt to a coal , Pudding-lane and Pye-corner were over-baked , and Snow-hill was melted down . ( 381. ) A young Italian Gentleman being led by curiosity into Holland , where haveing lived some time conversing with the most ingenious , was one day set upon by a Protestant Minister , who would needs ingage him in a controversie about Religion . The young Gentleman , knowing himself too weak for the encounter , begged his diversion , and endeavoured to wave the discourse ; but the more he avoided it , the more hotly was he prest by the Minister , whereupon the young Italian in a very great passion , conjured him by all that is good , to let him alone in peace with his religion , for , said he , I cannot embrace yours , and if you make me lose my own , I will never make choice of anie other . ( 382. ) Within one of the Provinces of the United Neatherlands there lived a Mercenary Scribler , who wrote a Pasquil , or Defamatory Libel against the house of Austria , and presented it to the Governour of the same place , which was a person of the most ancient Family of Nassaw . The Governour haveing read it , dissembled his displeasure , but with a kind of feigned smile , told him , that his invective was as sharp as could be imagined . Sir , said the Author , I have one in the press , as sharp again ; let me see it , said the Governour ; this libellous author , thinking he should be highly rewarded , brought him this second copie ; in which was writ , as in the former , a thousand notorious and scandalous lies , not sparing the bespattering of the then virtuous Infanta with lewd reproach and obloquy ; not omitting the King , Emperour , &c. The Governor hardly forbearing the concealment of his great indignation , bid him come in the afternoon , and his reward should be ready : takeing his leave of his Excellency , he returns home to his friends , further fraught with joy and hopes , than an East-India Ship with pepper , comes at the time appointed . He went to wait for his reward , and the Governor hearing of the coming of this Libeller , ordered him to go up such a pair of stairs , and there he should meet with a person should give him his due ; coming to the top of the stairs , he was asked , whether he was the man that wrote the Libel , he answered very jollily , That he was the Person that had serv'd his countrey with his pen , though he could not with his Sword : and that he had ( he thought ) painted the King of Spain , and Emperor to the Life , in their own proper colours : pray , Sir , come in said the other , I have order to give you double recompence ; where presently he was seized by half a dozen strong fellows , and being strip'd they gave him forty lashes on the bare back with a cat of nine tails , and were laid on by remembring him , that the first was for the Emperour : The second for the King of Spain : The third for the Infanta : And the fourth for Marquis Spinola : And so over with them again , till the number was expired ; at which time the Governour came in , and told him , that this punishment was the least of desert , for abuseing so Illustrious an House as that of Austria , and that though an enemie , yet should not be abused with the scandalous reproaches of every lying Pamphleter , Let all such , like this , wear their reward on their backs , and not in their purses . ( 383. ) A certain Minister of the Reformed Religion , preaching one Sabbath day in Amsterdam , took an occasion to loose his text , that he might find out a digressive discourse on the Magistrates of that city , several whereof were present at that time ; in his Sermon he first proved , that Magistrates were as Gods on Earth , and that the Ministers were as Angels ; after this he much inveighed against the supiness and carelesness of the former , in suffering Popish Idolatrie to be so openly professed , with Judaism , &c. And his zeal prompted him to say , that they should one day be answerable for their negligence , reproveing them also for many notorious Sins , &c , After Sermon , some of the Magistrates sent for him , and haveing severely checkt him for his Insolence , and seditious Eloquence , told him , that if he ever did the like , that though he made them Gods , they would make a Devil of him , and throw him out of the Paradise of his Liveing , into the Hell of a Dungeon . ( 384. ) An Italian Captain haveing been a long time besieged in a place , where for four months , he did eat nothing but horse-flesh , at length being relieved , he returned to his former Mistriss , thinking to have the same dalliances as formerly ; she understanding how he had fared , since his departure ; hold , said she , though I have a mind to be gotten with child , yet I am resolved never to he gotten with colt . ( 385. ) A Gentleman in Naples being affronted by an Englishman , was resolved to be revenged ; and therefore commanded his man to procure him a couple of villains , fit for his purpose ; in a little time he brought his Master two whose faces were slasht and cut ; the Gentleman seeing them , said , I will have none of you ; but bring me them who gave you those wounds , and I will reward you . ( 386. ) Some profane Fellows and Wenches were resolved to abuse some Friars ; for , laying an Hog ( which they had made dead drunk before with the lees of wine ) under the table , covered with a black cloath , they sent for the Friars , telling them , that the womans husband of the House was dead , and that they must sing a Dirg for his soul ; dureing the Service the women kept such a tittering and laughing , that they were forced to avoid the room ; the young men seeing that , stole out after them , that they might have the greater libertie to laugh also ; one of the Friars takeing notice hereof lifted up the Cloth , and seeing it was an Hog , took him , and to be revenged of the abuse , carried him away ; the woman of the house seeing them march off , called after them to return ; no , no , said they , we find he is a Brother of ours , and must be buried in our Convent . ( 387. ) A Fellow hearing the Drums beat up for Volunteers for France , in the late Expedition against the Dutch , imagin'd himself valiant enough , and thereupon listed himself : returning again , he was ask'd by his friends , what exploits he had done there ; He said , that he had cut off one of the enemies Leggs , and being told that it had been more honourable and manly to have cut off his head ; O , said he , you must know his head was cut off before . ( 388. ) An old coveteous Miser at Burdeaux , grudged his servants their victuals , and allowed them but a fifth part of wine , to four parts of water ; one time seeing one of his servants feed very heartily , What , said he , will your grinders never be at rest ? how can they , said the servant , as long as they have so little wine , and so much water . ( 389. ) Julius the third , when he was made Pope , gave his hat to a young Favorite of his , to the general dissatisfaction of the Conclave ; whereupon a Cardinal that used to be free with him said , what did your Holiness see in that young man to make him a Cardinal ? Julius replied , what did you see in me , to make me a Pope ? ( 390. ) A French Peasant passing by a Ditch with his Cart full of Onions , the Cart overturn'd , and the Onions fell into a Ditch full of water , at sight whereof the Peasant cried out , Mort bleau , here wants nothing but a little Salt to make le bon potage . ( 391. ) A Dutch-man in Amsterdam haveing heated himself with wine , grew angry ; and swearing Gods Sacrament , he would feign know , why the English called his Countrey men Butter-boxes ; the reason is , said a stander by , because they find you are so apt to spread every where , and for your sauciness must be melted down . ( 392. ) A stout Commander , haveing formerly in the Kings Service lost his leg , was notwithstanding for his great prudence , and courage made a Captain of a second Rate Ship , and being in the midst of an engagement a Canon bullet took off his wooden Supporter , so that he was constrained to fall ; the Seaman thinking he had lost his legs , cried , down with him to the Chirurgeon ; I want him not , I want him not , quoth he , but send me up to the Carpenter . ( 393. ) A Monsieur meeting the King of France's Jester , asked what news , why Sir , replied he , there are forty thousand man risen to day , I pray to what end , said the other , and what do they intend ? Why , said he , to go to bed again at night . ( 394. ) An Englishman and his wife lodging at a Frenchmans house , both so perfect children of their own countreys , that neither understood each other , it so fell out , that the Englishmans Wife cry'd out in the night ; whereupon he ran up-stairs to acquaint the Midwife ( who did lie above ) of his wifes condition , that being done , he went down to inform his Landlord and Landlady thereof ; standing by the bed side shivering in his shirt , for it was in a cold winter night , his Landlady pitying him said to her husband , Prithee , my dear , let the Englishman come into the bed to us and lie till day-light , since it is so cold , and that he cannot in civility return to his own chamber , you need not fear any thing since you are in bed with me ; her request was granted , and he lay down on the other side of the woman ; The Frenchman haveing tired himself by labour the day before , fell fast asleep ; the Englishmans snake presently grew warm , and crawled up the womans belly ; the motion of the bed awaked her husband , he called out Wife , what are you doing , what are you doing ? why what would you have me do , said she , if I should speak to him it would be to little purpose , for you know he understands not a word af our Language . ( 395. ) At the Battail of Newport the Prince of Orange haveing the Spanish Army before him , and the Sea behind him , said to his soldiers , Gentlemen , if you intend to live , thus must you do , either eat those Spaniards , or drink up this Sea. ( 396. ) When Metellus Nepos asked in a jeering way , the famous Roman Orator Cicero , who was his Father ? he replied , Thy Mother hath made that Question harder for thee to answer . ( 397. ) A Gentleman in Antwerp talking with a priest concerning Religion , asked , why they kissed the Cross more than any other piece of wood ; and what was there more in that than any other trees else , that they did not kiss them , Why , said the Priest , is not your wife made all of the same flesh and Bloud , and what is the reason that you do not kiss her backside , as well as her mouth . ( 398. ) Pope Alexander being accustomed highly to commend the Institution of the single life of priests , and to blame their useing of Concubines , was wont to say , God hath forbidden us to get Children , and the Devil hath given us Nephews . ( 399. ) A Spaniard and a Gascoign coming both to an Inn in France , found nothing ready , but a piece of Mutton , and a Partridge ; one would have the Partridge , and the other would have it ; and thereupon quarreling , the hostess perswaded them to eat it together , no that they would not ; but at last consented it should be kept for breakfast , and he that dreamed in the night the best dream , should have it . Whilst the Spaniard broke his sleep by studying a good dream , the Gascoign observing where the partridg was put , got up , and did eat it : in the morning betime they arose , and the Spaniard said , he dreamed the best dream in the world ; for , said he , me thought I saw the heavens open , and a Quire of angels with musick carried me to heaven . Then said the Gascoign , I dreamed I saw you so carried to heaven , and thinking you would never return , I arose in the night , and did eat the Partridge . ( 400. ) A Cordelier and a Jacobin haveing taken up one Inn together ; the next morning the Jacobin paid his reckoning , but the Cordelier supposing to have come off here , or else where , for a God a mercie , or a retribuet Deus , was forced by the Master of the house , who was a Protestant , to pay for what he had , by pawning some books , for the Jacobin refused to lend him a farthing . The next day travelling together , they came to a small river ; whereupon the poor Cordelier put off his Sandals , and holding up his gown , began to wade : the Jacobin being well apparell'd , and loath to spoil his fine Cloathes , call'd to the Cordelier to carry him over ; what will you give me then , quoth he ? said the other , I will redeem your books , and pay your charge at the next Inn ; so the Cordelier took him up on his back , and when he was in the deepest place of the water , the Cordelier asked the Jacobin if he had money enough to make good his promise ? yes that I have , said he , and thereupon chinkt his money in his pocket : the Cordelier hearing this , and finding a fit opportunity to be revenged , let him drop in the water , saying , Brother , you have done very ill to make me transgress my Orders , for you know , I am bound never to carrie anie money about me . ( 401. ) A Peasant haveing been with his Confessor told him that he had eaten Eggs that Lent , and was reproved for it ; forasmuch as Eggs made Chickens , Chickens Cocks , and Cocks Capons : a little while after this Confessor sent to him for some eggs , to set under an hen , and he sent them all boiled very hard , The Curat being ignorant thereof , set them under his hen , but finding in almost a months time no production , he broke one of them and found it hard , and so brake another , a third , a fourth , a fifth , till he had broken them all , and found them all as the first boiled . This so netled the Curate , that he instantly went to the Peasant to know the reason of this abuse ; the Peasant excused himself , saying , he knew not what he meant ; Why you fool , quoth the Curate , did you ever think that Chickens could be hatched out of hard Eggs ? Why Father , so you told me , said he , the last Lent ; for when I confessed to you that I had eaten eggs , you chid me , faying , Eggs made Chickens , Chickens Cocks , Cocks Capons : now if boiled Eggs , which I did eat , would ever have been Chickens , Cocks , and Capons ; How did I know but the boiled Eggs under your hen , would come to be so too . ( 402. ) A Countrey fellow seeing the Arch-Bishop of Cologn rideing in the fields with a great retinue compleatly armed , laught out aloud ; being ask'd his reason for so doing , he answered , Because he wondred that St Peter , Christs Vicar on earth , being exceeding poor , had left his successor so rich that his train should be more furnished with sword-men , than gown-men . The Arch-Bishop hearing this , and being willing that the Fellow should have better knowledg of him in his place , and dignity , told him , that he was not only Arch-Bishop , but a Duke also , and that as a Duke he rode with such an armed train of men , but when he was in Church , he was attended on as an Arch-Bishop , Sir , said this poor fellow , I pray tell me , when my Lord Duke shall be with the Devil , what will become of the Arch-Bishop . ( 403. ) A simple young man had a very great love to a young Maid , as he thought ; and that he might live with her quietly without wrangling hereafter , he thought of this expedient ; one day he told her , that it was his full intent to marry her , and to prevent future quarrels , he said , he would tell her all the secrets of his heart , that their Alliance might be stronger ; amongst many other things , he told her , that in the heat of bloud he had got a son , on a friend of his , which son was yet living , and desired her not to take it amiss : No , no , said she , I am very well pleased , and now , Sir , let me tell you , that a friend of mine got me with Child , and if you intend to fortifie our Alliance , it may be done with another marriage , that is between your Son , and my Daughter . ( 405. ) A Butchers Wife in Paris haveing been suspected by her husband to have Cuckolded him ; to free him in part of that jealousie , seemed very devout , and frequently went to confession . One day she went to her Confessor , who amongst many questions , ask'd her , Whether somtimes she had not a mind to the flesh ? Indeed , said she , I love flesh so well , that my mouth waters when ever I see a good bit , though it be in Lent ; but I hope you eat it not , said he , not for a World , said she , I but , said he , This is not the flesh I mean ; answer me , whether you ever had copulation with any besides your husband ; no indeed Father , said she , I never had collation with any but my husband . Then , said he , in plainer terms , had you never a desire to lie with another man ? I must confess , said she , I had a great mind to an Apothecaries Man , our next neighbour , but never did any thing ; for indeed the fool either would not , or could not understand my meaning , though it was as plain as a Pike-staff . Ah Sister , said the Confessor , you know the will is as good as the deed ; however for this time I will absolve you ; that being don , she dropt him a low courtesie , and said , Father , I am willing to send you a quarter of mutton ready roasted for supper , if you will take it in good part . He thanked her , and said he would . The Service of the great Mass being finished , he with a couple of his friends , whom he invited to Supper , came accordingly , but the Mutton came not , wherefore a Messenger was sent to the Butchers wife who told him , she had sent it already , he delivering his Message was sent back to assure her there was no such matter : The woman remembring the words of the Confessor , said , Friend go tell your Master , I had a good will to send it , but my husband would not let me ; now your master told me , we must take the will for the deed , and so he is like for me , and be as well content without the quarter of Mutton , as if he had recieved it . ( 405. ) At Calais there lived a young woman as famous for wit and beauty , as infamous for her debauchery : her husband was a very silly fellow , and though he knew of the dishonesty of his wife with several persons , yet he but mildly reproved her , fearing to do otherwise ; but still advised her for the future to lock the door against such Cuckold-makeing Rascals ; Alas sweet heart , said she , what will that signifie , since you know my Lock is such , that everie Key will fit it . ( 406. ) A Gentleman meeting one day with a Jester that belonged to the Duke of Rouen , ask'd him , what was his name ? My name , said he , is like my fathers . And what is his name ? Why his , quoth he , is like mine . Then what is both your names , said the Gentleman ? to which the Jester replied , One like another . ( 407. ) Two Shavelings ( aliàs Friars ) were in disputation , whether God had made more worlds than one ? the one of them alledged that passage in the Gospel , concerning the cleansing often Leapers , being Christs words , Annon decem facti sunt mundi ? the other haveing had recourse first to the text , answered him as learnedly with the words following , Sed ubisunt illi novem . ( 408. ) A French Jester being asked by one , how he should use Tobacco that it might do him good , he answered , You must keep a Tobacco shop , and sell it , for certainly there are none else find good in it . ( 409. ) He compared Women to Quich sands , which seemed firm , but if a man came upon them , he fell in over head and Shonlders . ( 410. ) He said , that Drawers and Tapsters should be men of great esteem , Because they are men not only of an high Calling , but also of a great reckoning . ( 411. ) One time seeing a tall man , he said , That for certain he must needs be a great Polititian , because he had an extraordinary reach . ( 412. ) A person drunk one day , railing at him , he told the Company he mattered not any thing what he said in his cups , For he spake nothing that he could stand to . ( 413. ) That Painters were cunning Fellows , for they had a colour for what ever they did . ( 414 ) A Gentleman going by water with his friend , fell into some Discourse , which the busie Waterman understanding , Put in for a share in their discourse ; one of the Gentlemen being angry hereat , told him , he was a saucy busie fellow , in that he must have an Oar in every mans Boat , and bade him hold his tongue ; but he continueing his babling , I protest , said the Gentleman , as they were in the middle of the Thames , If thou dost not hold thy tongue the sooner , I will knock thy head and the wall together . ( 415. ) 'T was at first when the fashion of gray Freeze came up amongst the Gentry , especially for rideing Suits , that a Wise-acre considering that it was then Ala mode , asked if there were no black of that colour , for he had a mind to have a coat of it . ( 416. ) After the sad and dismal Fire in London , when nothing was left standing , but ruines , one passing by as they were pulling down a wall ; Have a care , have a care , cries he to the Labourers , for I see the Foundation just tumbling on your heads . ( 417. ) One sitting at Supper his Cat past to and fro through his arms , brushing her tail against his mouth , this so offended him , that in a rage he cuts off the tip of her tail , saying , I think now Mrs. Puss , I have given you an Ear-mark : For the present the cat absented her self , but the next day came again according to her wonted manner ; whereupon in a fury , says he , Why , how now you troublesome Bitch are you come again , I thought I had given you your Break-fast last night . ( 418. ) A Mechanick in the late licentious times , when every fordid Tradesman took a freedome to prate what he would instead of preaching ; I say this fellow usurping the pulpit , would needs be in his comparisons , said he , The wicked keep company and flock together as beasts , birds and fishes : The Whoremasters keep one another company , as Goats on the mountains : The whorish , Babylonish Priests keep company , as Rooks , Daws and Crows , seperate themselvs , so do Drunkards meet together in numbers , accompanying each other even as the white Herrings swim together by themselvs , and the Red Herrings by themselvs . ( 419. ) One of the Vergers of the Kings Chappel ( a noted Bull-maker ) meeting his God-Son , ask'd him , whither he was going ? To school , said the boy : That 's well done , said he , there is a tester , be a good boy and follow thy book , and I hope I shall live to hear thee preach my Funeral Sermon . ( 420. ) A Countrey Attorney lying in Grays Inn Lane over against the Gate , left one day ( as it is usual ) a note in his door , to signifie where he was gone , but the contents of this note were very unusual : for thus he writ , I am gone to the Grays Inn Walks Tavern , if you cannot read what here is written , carry it over the way to a Stationers , and he will do it for you . ( 421. ) It is reported of a Mayor of an Inland Town in the West countrey , in the time of the Civil wars , calling his Brethren together to consult the safeguard of the town , from the injury of the approaching Enemy , said , Brethren let us seperate our selvs together , and let us with great inconsideration endeavour to fortifie the Town ; in short , it is my opinion , that there is nothing more to be done , but to make the Walls Navigable . ( 422. ) Two travelling over Shot over hill to Oxford , said one , this Shot over hill is a fine place for a wind-mill ; I said the other if there were any probability of forcing water hither , ( 423. ) A Traveller swore , that in the Deserts of Arabia he had seen an Unicorn with two horns . ( 424. ) Many dineing together at one Ordinary , made a match to play at bowles , but one would play but two shillings Rubbers ; Before I will play for so little , said the other , I will sit down and walk horses . ( 425. ) One coming into an Inn , ask'd the host , how long he had lived there , not three days yet , Sir , said he , the other pausing a while , ask'd , how many Barrels he drew a week . ( 426. ) One falling from his horse , and pitching on his head , ran amongst a company of people standing by , And swore his neck was broken , ( 427. ) One said , he would never endure the Moon again , for , said he , the Quean served me a slippery trick in faith the other night ; for she did light me along very well till I came to a Ditch , and then slipping behind a cloud , she let me fall in . ( 428. ) One being desired to sit down to dinner , said , I thank you kindly , but I can eat nothing , for I have had a long time no more stomach than an horse . ( 429. ) One seeing a large fat Bull , said , I wish I might have a pair of that Bulls Cow-heels when she is kill'd . ( 430. ) King James lying sick , one prayed that he might raign as long as the Sun and the Moon should endure , and the Prince his Son after him . STORIES . Pleasant and True The Comical Revenge . IN Poictiers in France a Nobleman owing a considerable summ of Money , his Creditors were resolved to Arrest him , let it cost them ever so much ; they soon met with a fellow for their purpose , one who was as impudent as Valiant , for he would venture upon the greatest difficulty . One day he met with this Lord , and boldly coming up to him , told him what he was , and his business ; the Lord made no resistance , but smothering his displeasure and revenge bid the Serjeant come along with him ( it being about noon ) he said , he would first dine , and then consider what was to be done . The Lord went to a Cabaret , or Tavern , and having bespoke dinner he privately sent away for some of his Servants and then fell into discourse with this Serjeant , who began to mistrust some mischief ensuing , and therefore made a thousand simple excuses for enterprising that bold attempt ; the Lord said little to him till he had din'd and then he called to one of his Gentlemen to bring him a pair of Sissers , being brought , go now said he , and pair that fellows nails very close , pointing to the Serjeant ; he seeing there was no avoiding it , patiently endured it , allthough the Gentleman cut his Nails to the very quick : this being done , the Lord came to him , saying , Now , Sir I am assured you cannot scratch me , and I am resolved you shall not be able to bite me neither , so forcing him into a Chair he caused his Teeth to be drawn out one by one ; Now , Sir , ( said he ) have a care of abusing the next time any of my rank and quality ; yet now , Sir , I will be kind to you aster all this , I will sweeten your sauce for you ; so causing him to be stript stark-naked , he commanded Honey to be brought , with which he annointed him all over , and roll'd him in Feathers : never did African Monster appear so strange and ridiculous ; Lastly , he caused a Label to be fixt to his back , wherein were written these words , This is Anti-Christ . Now said the Noble-man , I shall take my leave of you , not without extending my Civility farther in your behalf , I doubt you may be indisposed , and therefore you shall ride home ; hereupon this Poor Devil in Feathers was mounted , with his Hands tyed behind him , and his Face towards the Tail of his Horse , and so led through the Streets to the great wonder and laughter of the People . The Mercer transform'd into a Lord. A Nobleman of France did very lately fall in love with a Citizens Wife of Paris , and left no means unattempted till he had made her all compliance : This Lord being one day at Court saw the Husband of this Female Friend come into the Palace Royal , and by enquiry found that his business would not quickly be dispatcht , whereupon away he slunk out of the Court , and got privately ( as he thought ) into the house of this Citizen , but it seems he was discovered by this Citizens Brother , who detested the debauchery of his Sister , and therefore presently dispatcht away a Messenger to Court to acquaint his Brother what unhappily he had discovered . The Citizen presently takes his Alarm , and thinking his feet too slow , took Coach and drove Jehulike , to hinder what was allready past prevention . His Wife hearing a Coach come in that Furious manner to her door , imagin'd she was betray'd , and therefore advised the Lord that was in bed with her to rise and abscond himself in a place she had provided , in case any such discovery should happen : hearing as he thought some body coming up stairs , for hast left his Cloaths on the bed , which shee seeing , in as great haste and confusion , threw them into a Chest , but so unadvisedly , that the embroidered sleeve of the Doublet hung ôut , of which she took no notice , but fell to dressing her self as little concern'd , as if she had no more harm in her than in a little Female Devil newly arrived at the Teens . Her Husband entring the Chamber , said , Madam , I understanding that my Lord came to visit you this morning , I thought he might also have some business of great importance to whisper in my ear , and this made me return sooner than you expected . The Gentlewoman confidently replyed , that he was mis-informed , for there had no body been with her that day . Her Husband looking about the Room espied the Lords embroydered sleeve hang out of the Chest , and ask't whose it was , and how it came thither , this subtle Woman , who like the rest of her sex , never wants an excuse in time of extremity , replyed , ( but trembling ) Sweet heart , I beg your pardon , for my forgetfulness ; A Gentlewoman , wanting money brought it me to shew you , desiring to have but forty Crowns lent upon it ; let mee see it ( said he ) and looking upon it presently knew whose it was , and without discovering any passion , pull'ed off his own Coat , and put on that Embroydered with Gold ; when he had so done , come come said he , I must examin your Wardrobe , and looking into the Chest found what appertaïn'd thereunto , as Hat , Cravat , Breeches , &c. which he took up and habited himself therewith from top to toe ; being thus gallantly , nay , nobly attired , he struts to and fro the Chamber , admiring himself in his Walk , and when he had left off adoreing himself , said he , now prethee Wife tell me , don't I look like a Lord ? have not I his very Mein ? I cannot believe but I am one now ; do thou believe so to , and we shall hug one the other oftner ; but all this while I pitty the poor Gentleman that owns them , for doubtless he hath been at Play to Night , and losing all , is forced to deposit his Garments , and is it may be now acold for his heat of Fancy . This Noble-man being in a strange confusion , knew not what to do , nor say ; at length collecting a little courage , she had the confidence to say , Sir , you strangely impose upon me ; for why is it not as Lawful for me to go to the Court of Aids , as for you to go so often to the Exchange ? No , replyed he , since you have fitted me for the Court , I 'le no more to the Exchange ; and thereupon instantly went down stairs , and calling for a Coach , ordered the Coach-man to drive him instantly to the Palace Royal , where dismounting , he betook himself to the long Gallery , where the Nobility usually frequented , at his approach , the Eyes of all the Court were upon him , every one wondering what this Fine thing should be , after several opinions were spent upon him , it was concluded by the most , that as he was a stranger , he could by his habit be no less than a Nobleman ; at length a Courtier , drawing near to Caress and Complement this Noble stranger , looking steadfastly in his face , knew him , and cryed out aloud , O the Devil , is it you Mr. Coquelineux ; and thereupon made all the haste from him he could to inform his Majesty first , of a strange sight was newly come to Court , viz. his Mercer as fine as any Lord. His Majesty commanded him to be brought in , which was as the other designed and desired . At first sight the King knew the Person , and to whom those fine Cloathes properly belong'd , and was strangely surprized at the sight of both so improperly conjoyn'd . At length says the King , Coquelineux , prythee thy meaning for this thy phantastical appearance : wouldst thou by this Garb ( because I am in thy Books ) perswade me to make thee what thou dost personate ? Though I owe thee Money , yet I owe thee no such hnnour ; besides , if thou wouldst only barely represent a Lord , thou art mistaken in the time , for this is no day of State. The Mercer heard his Majesty with great attention , and perceiving an Answer was expected , replyed , May it please your Majesty , my intent of coming hither , was to no other end then to restore to the right owner his due . This splendid Suit with the appurtenances I found in my Wives Chamber , and discovered where she had laid them by the sleeve of this embroydered Coat hanging out of the Chest carelesly : upon a full view , I askt whose they were ; she very ingeniously told me , A Gentlewoman brought them to her to shew to me , to know how much I would lend upon them , but I mistrusting they may be stoln from some person of Quality , thought fit to put them on , and walk publickly at Court , for by that means the right owner may come to a better knowledg of his goods by sight , than any discription . The King could not forbear laughing heartily to see so much seeming honesty , and simplicity in his Mercer ; and that which added to his further mirth was the consideration of what a condition the Lord was in , whom he concluded to be left without Garments : now that his Majesty might not lose so brave an opportunity for delight , he caused two Pursuivants to be sent immediatly to the Mercer's House , and there search for this Noble-man , and , if found , to bring him instantly to Court , sans all excuse of going any where else . This Lord fearing some such design , thought any delay dangerous in staying , cloath'd himself in the habit of the Mercer , and as an assistance to his disguise , he put on a black Gown which he found hanging up , which belong'd to a Doctor of Physick then lying in the House ; and in this Equipage thinking to go home undiscovered , as he was sneaking out of the doors he was met by the Pursuivants , who knowing him by his Countenance , told him in few words , what his Majesty had commanded them , and that without excuse or delay he must instantly appear before His Majesty : he seeing there was no avoiding it went ( not without great disorder in his thoughts ) with the Officers . The King and several of the Nobles seeing this Lord in such an Antique dress , fell into such a Laughter , that they utterly forgot the civility that was due to the Royal Presence ; The King having laught his sides sore , had at last leisure to say ; how now Cozen , whence came you ? the Nobleman , who was very facetious , presently replyed , from Hell I think an 't please your Majesty , for I came from a bottomless pit : Indeed ( said the King ) by your Garb you look as if you had been a Conjuring somewhere . You are in the right Sir ( said the Lord ) for I can assure your Majesty this Morning I raised the Devil , and laid his Damm : in short , I will tell your Majesty the whole Truth ; a Friend of mine was in a high Fever , and wanted a cooling Clyster , and would have Noe one to administer it but my self : I pittying her condition , in compliance to her desires performed this Morning the part of a Charitable Physitian . The King by these words very well understood what his Cozen had been doing , and in railery checkt him : saying , indeed you are to blame to give any Woman Physick without the consent of her Husband ; for the time to come forbear such practices , if for no other cause than to shun making such a Metamorphosis as you have done already : for see there , a Mercer chang'd into a Lord , and here a Lord changed into a Conjurer ; and so dismist them , allotting the Mercer that gorgeous Suit in part of satisfaction of the wrong he had received , whilst the others shame was a sufficient punishment . A French Noble-man Cuckolded by his Servants , IT is customary among the Nobility , and persons of great quality in France to lye in Chambers apart from those of their Ladies . Now there was a Lord ( shall be at present nameless ) who notwithstanding his Lady was as eminent a Beauty as most was in France , yet he must ( forsooth ) follow the humour of the Countrey ; now when at any time he had a desire to enjoy the sweet embraces of his lovely consort , rising from his own bed he would steal out in the dark in his Shirt , making no noise , and knocking at his Ladies Chamber dore softly , she knowing his custome gave him admittance ; now besides the Mode , he had another reason ( as he said ) to approve thereof , because it lookt so like whoring . Having performed the necessary and obliging duty of the Marriage Bed , he returned to his own Chamber there to spend the residue of the Night in an undisturbed repose . One of this Lord 's Valet de Chambre's taking notice of this humour , concluded that he might have the same admittance into his Ladies Chamber , and participate of the same Pleasures by the same means his Masters humour had inculcated into his thoughts . Upon a serious consultation with himself , he concluded that Night best for the accomplishing his Design , in which his Master had visited his Lady ; about an hour after he resolved to put his lustful Project in Practice ; which he did so well by imitation that he got entrance : Your own thoughts may inform you how they spent the time , without my putting the modest to the extravagant expence of blushes . All I shall say is , That this Fellow performed his part so vigorously and so often , that when he went from her , he left her all wonder and amazement : and that which encreas'd her admiration was not only his profound silence , although she urged him to speak to her with all the melting Rhetorick she could devise , but the coming of her busband twice as she supposed ; whilst she was thus ruminating with her self being left alone , her Husband stimulated more than ordinary by some provocatives he had taken the day before , comes and with his acustomed knock and whisper demanded entrance , she knowing her Lords voice arose and let him in ; as he was about to prosecute his accustomed enjoyment , his Lady begg'd him to forbear , urging that he was much to blame to be so inordinate in his desires : what ( said she ) Could not you my Lord ( since you find so great an alteration ) be content to have out done your self this night by so many repetitions , but that you must again expose your body ; to the injury of the cold in so short a time again and coming a third time , in less than two hours ? Nay , nay sweet-heart this is but twice , you wrong me indeed said he : To which she replyed , That she was not mistaken , for assuredly it was so often . Hereupon this Gentleman began to pause upon it ; and from what he had already heard and gathered from other circumstances he verily believed that he had been abused by one of his Servants ; but kept all close from his Lady ( for she was a vertuous Gentlewoman ) to avoid the ill consequences such a discovery might produce . Having laid a while ( in which time he studied to divert his Lady as he could ) he got up , and being come into his own Chamber he could not rest there long , but putting on his Breeches and a Gown went into all his Male servants Chambers that were about him , making , along as he went , a strict enquiry with his Nose in every Bed , for it seems this Lady was well sented . There was one of whom he at length might have some grounds of suspition ; becanse , besides his complection which never fail'd of ardent inclination to the Female Sex , he was both a handsome and a very subtle Fellow , but he could not tell which Bed he lay in ; by chance groping up and down in the dark he found his Bed , and pulling up the Cloathes smelt a perfume he was very well acquainted with ; and from thence judged this must be the Rogue that had done him this dishonour ; wherefore that he might be sure to know him the next day , he took out of his Pocket a pair of Sizers , and snipt off one of his Whiskers , for then it was the Fashion to wear them . This Fellow was awke , and by this knew very well his Master , and his Design , first by smelling , and then by marking him , that he might be known the next day , to prevent which as soon as his Master was gone , he instantly starts up ; and going into all the Chambers aforesaid , cuts off ( from every one that had any ) that Whisker that was on the same side of the Mouth that his was on , and returns to his own Bed. The Servants getting up next morning , and seeing each others right Whisker gone , stood staring one upon another like so many distracted Bedlamites , not knowing what to say , or whom to accuse . In short , one that was known sufficiently to be an arch Rogue was suspected , and thereupon some of the more passionate fell upon him and abused him most pitifully , others took his part , by which means they were all engaged by the Ears ; at the noise hereof the whole House was alarmed , and running to see what was the matter , they were so surprized with the strangeness of such a Comical sight , that laying aside all respect to their Lord and Lady , they laught beyond measure . Sure it must be very pleasant to see two such contrary Passions , in one entire Company , proceeding from one and the same cause . These poor Semi-barbarians finding themselves laught at by their fellows , whom they observed not so abused as they were , imagining them the Plotters of this mischief , and without examining whether it was so or no , diverted the quarrel among themselves upon the others . Now did the Combat begin afresh , with more eagerness than before , which caused one to run and tell the Lord , that there was a Civil War Commenced among his Servants , and that if he came not quickly and decided the Controversie their fury would utterly leave him destitute of his present Attendance . Hereupon his Lordship commanded a Cessation of Arms , & commanded they should come before him ; and having cleansed themselves from the Blood , each Face by Fighting had contracted ; ( for as they then were , one Face could hardly be distinguisht from the other ) they appeared before their Lord in the great Hall. In the mean time he ordered his Lady to be there . Upon the appearance of the men , my Lord and Lady were possest with the same different Passions as their Servants were ; for the first was in a Fury to see that Traitor who had abused him ; whilst the other fell into the greatest laughter imaginable ; after a little time the half Whiskers made a bitter complaint against the whole whiskers , as to the injury they had sustained in the abuse of their beards ; the Defendants alledged that they were guiltless of the Fact , and that for their good will in coming to part them they were Assaulted by them . To end the Controversie , in short , said my Lord , it was I that cut off one Whisker , whosoever is the owner thereof I will have his Head off too for an irreparable injury he hath done me ; their former passion was now converted into another of that for fear , so that now their Knees wag'd more then their Hands before ; look here ( said my Lord ) whose remaining Whisker matcheth this in Colour , he is the Subject of my revenge . Hereupon Carrats fell on his knees , and beg'd his Pardon , confessing the whole Truth ; for this witty indeavour of concealment he gave him his Life with the loss of his Ears , and delivered him over to the abused Semiwhiskers who got a blanket and tost him so long in Revenge , that they had like to tost his bones out of his skin , as well as him out of his Lordships service . A mad Wooer well fitted . ONE Wooing a Widow , more to satisfie his Friends , than to oblige his own inclinations told her , that he had three qualities which she must be acquainted with before he married her . The first was , when he went abroad , and returned home he should be angry without a cause ; Secondly , he must eat his meat alone ; And Thirdly , that he should lye with her but once a Month. If this be all ( said she ) I care not ; for as to the first , whereas you say , you shall be angry without a cause , I will take care to give you cause enough , never fear . And for the second in eating your Meat alone , do and spare not ; but it shall be after I have din'd . And as for you Lying with me but once a Month , take your course ; if you will not , another shall , for in that time , I shall have a Months mind to another . A great noise to little purpose . IN the latter end of Queen Elizabeths Reign , there was a great rumour of an Invasion , whereupon great numbers of Horse and Foot were rais'd about London , insomuch , that the whole Kingdom was terribly affrighted ; but all coming to nothing , a Countrey Gentleman then in the City askt his Friend , to what end was all that Mustering in London and Middlesex . To what end ( quoth the other ? ) why to Mile-End ; for there was the general Muster . And to what end were so many Barges , and Liters sent down to block up the Thames ? To what end ? why tho Gravesend , quoth the other . I but said the Gentleman to what end was the great hurley-burley by Land and Water ? To what end ( quoth the other ? ) why in troth as far as I understand to no end at all . The Amorous Contest . THE Duke of Lerma used , by way of Magnificency and State , when he washt before Dinner , to give a Ring to him that held the Bason , and another to him that held the Ewer : One time above the rest , having a Diamond Ring on his Finger , he made this publick proposition , that whosoever of the Company could relate the saddest story in Love Affairs should have the Ring : whereupon a Gentleman there present undertook the task , and thus began . May it please your Grace to understand ; that I a long time served two Mistresses , of different Form and Feature , the one as foul as the other fair ; the one loved me , whom out of meer gratitude I was obliged to show some respect ; the other hated me as much , as I lov'd the other beyond expression . Being utterly destitute at last of all hope and Comfort , I dedicated my whole time to solitude , which in a little time brought on me a desperate Fever , which in the opinion of my Physitians would not end , but with my Life . The report hereof coming to my cruel fair ones ear , made her come to visit me , who seeing to what weakness I was reduced , smothered no longer her flame ( having for some Reasons hitherto , concealed her soft Passion ) but professed how endearedly she lov'd me , and how sorry she was her coyness had brought me to this condition . No Cordial could so revive my Spirits , neither Julip so allay my unnatural heat , as did these sweet and melting expressions , so that in a short time I recovered my strength . Her Father hearing of her Love , vow'd to cross it , and thereupon lockt her up from my sight ; but finding ( do what he could ) that we privately conveighed Letters to one another ; he animated my Rival to fight me : In short we fought , and by the happy Influence of Heaven , I gained the Victory with my Rival's Death : Now the Law of my Countrey being very severe against Duels , I was forced to flye , hoping in time my friends would procure my Pardon . But now to make my Misery compleat , the cruel Father of my Mistress forced her in my absence to Marry an old Count his Neighbour , the Corruption of whose Body rendred him fitter fer a Grave than a Marriage Bed. Now , if your Grace do judge my Calamity can receive addition , and that my Afflictions lay not claim to your Ring ▪ be pleased to bestow it on some more wretched than my self . He had no sooner ended his Speech , but another thus began . Great Prince , I Must begin my mournful Story where this Gentleman ends his . He received at once , both a Pardon for the Murther and a Letter from his Mistris to make haste into her imbraces ; the Count her Husband being gone a long Journey , he desired me to Associate him in this pleasing journey , and I willingly yielded to his invitation . Arriving at the Old Count's Castle his Mistress met him with the same joy , and gladness with which the Spring the Sun doth entertain . Long did their Kisses interrupt their Speech , which at length brake out into unfained protestations , how much their past miseries had indeared each to other . When they had chatted their fill , to Supper we went , which finisht , a Banquet succeeded , ravishing both to Eye and Palat. This ended , one comes in , and whispering the Lady in the Ear , she instantly chang'd Colour , and cry'd out , she was undone for ever , unless I did her one friendly Office , which should eternally engage her to me ; having told her , I desired no greater honour than to dye in her Service , she then inform'd me , that the old Count her Husband was returned , and newly gone to Bed being very weary and expected her coming . Now Sir , said she , not daring to trust any of my Maids , with the Secret of my Friend 's being here , but you and my Sister , do me the favour about an hour hence to put on one of my Coives , and one of my Smocks and go to bed to my Husband who without doubt will be asleep before you come ; if he be not , all he will do is but to hug you about the middle or kiss you , for other dalliance you need not fear him ; besides Age hath not yet brusht your Chin , so that it seems to me as smooth as mine ; by this means shall I and my dearest beloved own all the fruition of loloves delights to you alone . In short , Sir , I was not only attentive , but obedient to her request , and into the supposed Bed of the old Count I went , where I was no sooner laid , but I heard him breath , and felt him stir and move towards me , whereat I shrunk away to avoid his loath some touch ; but he mov'd still onwards , and I farther , and farther , till I lay half naked out of bed . In the morning as I was shrinking out of Bed to be gone , on a suddain my Friend and the Countess came dancing into the Chamber , he in his Shirt , and she in her Smock : my Soul hereat was strangely divided betwixt fear and wonder , fear of my own detection , and amazement at their boldness , thinking that excess of pleasure had made them run distracted . At length coming to the Bed-side drawing the Curtains , each of them with a Tapour in their hand shewed me the most lamentable and unpardonable errour that ever man committed , for instead of the old rotten Count , there lay by me the Sister of the Countess , who for sprightful youth , and charming beauty Nature never yet produced her like ▪ Now , when with the highest admiration I beheld this Miracle of her Sex , and what a Heaven of happiness I , by mistake , had lost . I hardly could refrain from laying violent hands on my self : my friend reaped his enjoyments , which I am never like to do ; for being forced to leave the Castle in a very little time after I heard she is removed I know not wither , so that I must now languish and dye in the Tyranny of restless desire . This Spech being ended , the Duke confessed that they both deserved much , but he questioned whether the Counts Sister deserved not as Much as both , nay , more , for she knew who was in Bed with her , and knowing her self so near a good turn and miss it , aggravates vexation to the very height , and therefore said , the Ring to her did properly belong . Purgatory . THe Pope gave a Priest a Silver Bason and indued it with this vertue , that whosoever dropt a French Crown into it , or to that value , his Friends Soul should instantly upon the sound of it be delivered out of Purgatory . In the Town where the Priest liv'd dwelt a mad debauch'd fellow , whose Uncle had left him a good estate . To him this priest came , and offer'd for a French Crown to free his Uncles Soul from Purgatory . The young man replyed , it was a reasonable proposition , whereupon he took out a Crown , and dropt it into the Bason , then askt the Priest if his Uncles Soul was yet out of Purgatory ? I dare lay upon my life it is freed , said the Priest ; which words were no sooner said , but the young man took up his mony again , and put it into his pocket , wherat the Priest displeased said , if you take your mony again , his Soul will again enter into Purgatory . Nay said the young man there is no fear of that , for if my Uncle be as obstinate an old Knave , dead , as he was , living , if he-be once out all the ▪ Devils in Hell cannot get him in again . The Cheater Cheated . A Comly Matronly Woman ( whom I shall forbear to nominate ) lately lived in the Burrough of Southwark , who wanting things necessary both for the Ornament of the body , and furniture of a house , held a long consultation with her self how she might effect her desires by a well contrived credit . Many plots she laid , but found none of them firm enough to build the structure of her designed advantage , till she chanced to hit upon this stratagem . She had a Daughter which was more hansome than honest , and much more witty than wise , in short , both Mother & Daughter were as right as my leg , and as good as ever twang'd . These two consulting together , concluded thus , that they should in the first place change their habitation , but before they did it , the Daughter went to one of the Devils Factors , alias a Tally-man ( with whom she was acquainted ) and took up all the Materials belonging to man's Apparel , which she said was for her Husband , who was returned home to receive what pay was due to him for serving his Majesty by Sea , against the Hollander . She told her story so plausibly , expressing so much joy for his escape , and what great advantages were like to accrue to her by the Valour of her Husband , that the Tally-man did not only trust her with a Suit of mans apparel , but furnisht her self with many necessary things she wanted . Being laded with credit , home she came , and having removed all their goods to a place convenient for their future projects , the old Gentlewoman plaid the changling with her sex , by throwing off her Female weeds , and cloathing her self , in every respect like a man ; the young Baggage for a while pretended her Mother was lately dead , and that being left to the wide world , she knew not what course to steer for want of advice ; there was a young man who belonged to the Sea , did court her , but she was fearful of engaging ; she at length and that in a little time had so wrought upon the affections of divers of the Neighbours , partly by her good face and notable smooth tongue , that they undertook not only to advise but assist her . Whereupon understanding that her Sweet-heart lay as a Lodger in her house , some of them came to enquire into his estate , and being very well satisfied therein , they then inquired into his resolution of marrying this young woman , he protested he loved her before any in the World , and if she would they should be marryed the next day , it was agreed upon , and accordingly the Mother in a Masculine habit went to Church where they were marryed according to form ; great was the jollity that day , and night approaching they went to bed together , but without any hopes of reaping the sweet enjoyment of a Marriage bed , but by a dream or the strength of imagination . The next day their mirth increased , neither was there any diminution of it for one whole week . Having spent time enough in reioicing , they now pretended to mind their business , the one for the house and the other abroad , who carryed her business so craftily , that she was not in the least suspected to be any other than she seemed to be , for she was a Woman of an undannted Spirit , and having a nimble Tongue and quick invention , she had learned to bounce and huff with any Bully-Ruffin in the Strand , Holbourn , or Convent-garden ; besides as a further qualification to that boystrous occupation , she could Smoak , Drink , and Swear with any Damme , within twenty miles of London ; but when she returned home , and was amongst her Neighbours , she always wore the Vizor of temperance and sobriety , never Swearing , nor seldom Drinking more but what might be the Oyl to cheerfulness and hilarity . Having gotten the good opinion of her Neighbours , she was now resolved to make use of their Purses , which she might easily do , by pretending she had a great deal of mony due from the Navy office , and which she had not received , but should speedily ; and to confirm their belief shewed them several counterfeit Tickets . This so wrought with some , that they lent her mony , and though not every one much , yet many a little makes a Mickle . Having enriched themselves with the spoils of others , and not daring to stay any longer in that place , they secretly removed and took a house remote from the former to prevent discovery ; in this house they intended to sell all sorts of Liquors for the entertainment of men , and Women , and therefore the old one thought it requisite to appear in a Garb suitable to that profession , which was very plain , and that she might possess the People with an Opinion that she was ( as so drest ) an innocent harmless Cuckold she behaved her self so simply to her supposed Wife , that every one jndged him what he seemed , and thereupon made addresses to the young one at such convenient times as the old one went abroad on purpose , or was more than ordinary busie below ; by this means they had a very great Trade , especially by that Venery which was winkt at as aforesaid ; in this manner they continued a good while , and I have been credibly informed , that the Mother , ( and supposed Husband to her own Daughter ) when she had a desire to the same satisfactions she had pimpt for her Daughter , she would put on her own Female Habit , and sitting in the house as a customary Plyer , the Daughter frequently by way of a kind return , did play ▪ the Bawd for the Mother so long till they were apprehended , for keeping a disorderly house , and being carryed to a justice upon Examination were found guilty of what was alledged against them and so were committed to Bridewell , the Keeper viewing the Faces of them both very strictly imagin'd he had seen before the Face of the elder which personated the man , but could not for the present tell where ; at length he verily believed she had been formerly under his Jurisdiction , hereupon he seized her doublet , and striping it open , found by lier Breasts what he had suspected ; the former Justice was informed hereof , who sent for them both to appear before him , upon further examination the seeming man was found to be only a lusty woman , and Mother to that young woman she had marryed ; likewise it was proved against the young woman that she had frequently drest her self in mans apparel to enjoy her Amours with the greater security abroad , for which , they were both sent back again to Bridewell , where they were severely lasht for their cheating Metamorphosis . The Innocent Acceit . A Person being very Rich , was likewise oftentatious and very peevish , a Daughter he had was tolerably handsom , and was intirely beloved by a Country Gentleman , of no mean Estate , having gained the young Gentlemomans consent , he acquainted her Parents with the Love he bore their Daughter , who no sooner heard it , but were in a great Passion , their ambition judging him too mean a Fortune , and therefore not only refused his offer , but very uncivilly forbade him the House : saying , Moreover , that if it should be their misfortune , and his imaginary happiness to steal a Marriage and rob them of their Daughter , he would never give them a farthing . He obeyed their commands in that , but resolved notwithstanding that he would see his Mistress whatever came on 't ; Love soon found out a way to effect it , at which interview he told her what had past between him , and her Parents , and the refusal of the Match proposed ; she seemed exceedingly troubled hereat , and wept bitterly , the other to comfort her , swore if she would be constant , he would never forsake her ; and to shew the reality and integrity of his Affection offer'd to Marry her immediatly , she consented , and being married with all convenient speed , they performed the rights of Hymen , and sent her home to her Fathers House , desiring her not to take any Notice of what had past , and since the time of their being together was so short the Old ones could not suspect any thing A few days after this new married Gentleman got his ( supposed Maiden ) Wife into his company , and having repeated his former delights , he told her , he would go into the Country , giving her directions where to send to him , and that if she proved with Child , and that her Parents should discover it , as that they would quickly do , that then she should dissemble the greatest grief imaginable , and when pressed very much to discover the Father , she should then confess it was such a one , who had formerly made Love to her but her Parents would not accept of the Motion ; as for the rest said he , leave the whole management to me . Upon this they parted , and she proved with Child according to his expectation . The Mother perceiving the frequent Pewkings of her Daughter , with the swelling of her Belly , took her into a private place and there conjured her to tell her the naked Truth , whether she was no with Child ? The Daughter with many sighs and teais , confessed that she was , and that such a Gentleman living in the Country had done it : The Mother like a Woman distracted , first lockt up her Daughter , and then ran to her Husband , and calling him aside , told him of the shame and Infamy that had befallen his Family , and by whom ; this unexpected news made him ten times madder than his Wife ; but at length they both concluded that it was but a folly , either to rave or rail at their Daughter , but to study some means to sauder up the rack of their Daughters Honour . No better expedient was thought on , but to write to the Gentleman and acquaint him with what he had don , requiring satisfaction ; this Letter was sent , and another returned by him in Answer thereunto ; to this effect , That it is true he had lain with their Daughter , but he knew not whether he got her with Child , for she that can dispence with being a Whore to one , will be so to another . In short he concluded , that he had no more to say than this , That if she would be so impudent , to lay the Child to him he must maintain it , but as for her part , he had nothing to say to her , for he had already over-paid her that little pleasure , he had purchased of her . This return netled them to the heart , and they sho'wd it their Daugter with all the opprobrums that can be uttered . The poor young woman replied not a word , supplying her speech with nougt but sighs and tears . The old people grieved at this , sent down a milder Letter , requesting the favour , that he would be pleased to come up to London for they had some business extraordinary with him , tending much to his advantage . He sent them word , that he had extraordinary businefs where he was , and that he neither could , or would stir from it . As the Belly swell'd , so did their sorrow , fearing there was no remedying the cause thereof . Yet upon another consultation the Daughter told her Father , that before ever she consented he promised her Marriage ; this made the old Gentleman caper , Nay them said he we are well enough ; immediately calling for Pen , Ink , and Paper he wrote another Letter , charging the Gentleman home with his Promise sometimes threatening him , if he made it not good , and then sweetning him again , &c. beseeched him to make a journey up . This Gentleman ( seeing it high time to condescend to what he most desired ) sent word by such a day he would ( if in health ) infallibly be in London , to no other end , than to understand his will and pleasure . The Gentleman is as good as his Word , a stately Dinner is provided with plenty of Wine , and the Cloath being taken away , there was no other discourse , than how to salve up their Daughters Credit by a speedy Marriage , and as an incouragement they would give him a Thousand pounds : He slighted it , alledging further ( with a Sir-reverence to the company , ) he would never , sh — in his own Hat , and then clap it on his head ; as they advanced he more and more slights their proposals , saying that an Estate of two hundred a year deserves a greater Portion ; at length they offered him two Thousand Pounds , to be paid immediately , he accepts of it with this Proviso , that upon the Birth of the Child their Daughter now goes with , there shall be paid more , five hundred Pounds : it is agreed to , and the Parents were so eager and sollicitous in the preservation of the Honour of their House that they would needs have the Marriage consummated immediately , the Country Gentleman agreed thereunto , and presently sent away for the same Parson that married them ; who being desired by the Parents to joyn those two together in Matrimony , he smiled , and said , Sir , that is needless , for I have done it already ; How said the Old Gentleman ? 't is very true replyed the Son-in-law , and for Confirmation , see here the Certificate before your Daughter was with Child ; and so she is no Whore , but an honest Wife ▪ Nay then said the Old Gentleman I see I am gull'd , but since it is no worse , and that our Family is not defamed , I will make the odd Five hundred a Thousand pounds , and so God bless you together . The French-man & the Baker's wife . A Frenchman not long since took a Lodging near a Baker , who though poor , yet very rich in having so handsom a Woman to his Wife , and was never blemisht in her reputation by any light deportment . This Frenchman presently had her in his Eye , and courted her importunitely , and expensively , but to no purpose ; Treats proving ineffectnal , he offered her Fifty Guinney's if she would permit him to lye with her all night , she refused it , but privately told her Husband what Monsieur had offered her , and upon what account ; the Baker scratcht his head not knowing what to do ; Poverty perswaded on the one side , and love hindred on the other from acceping this proffer ; at length said he , dearest , there is a way to be thought on to save thy chastity , and yet we will have his money , and that is thus : I will pretend to go out of Town such a day , then do you upon the condition aforesaid promise Monsieur his satisfaction the night following , in the mean time , you know Tow — the Cobler , a stout fellow , him will I engage with five pounds to assist me , we will have each of us a good broad Sword , and thus armed we will creep underneath your Bed , and when the French-man hath paid you the Gold ( which you must have first ) and he is just going to bed we will crawl out and surprise him . It was generally agreed , and Monsieur had notice of the assignation , who though he understood that the husband was gone out of town , yet he feared an ambuscado , and therefore carried a brace of Pistols with him , besides a good Rapier . Entring the Room , he caressed her , a la mode de France , and being very fiery , he could suffer no delays but giving her the Gold , ordered her to make what haste she could to bed , and he would follow after . In the first place he drew out his Pistols and laid them by him , and then undrest himself , seeing her in bed , he takes up his Sword and Pistols and advanceth towards her , she seeing him in that posture , askt him what he meant ? No ting Madam of harm , only me love to have all de Arms , me sord by mee side , me Pis-stools in mee haunds , and de Dagger before , when me go to take a Citadel or Fort , and laying down his Sword , by his bed side , he skipt into bed with his Pistols and laid them just over her head ; not to lose time , be storm'd the Fort , and took it , and notwithstanding he was several times beaten out of the breach was made in the assault , yet he boldly entred again and took possession . The poor Cuckold ( and the Cobler who lay underneath the Bed ) could not but hear what was doing above , yet durst not stir for their lives , nay not so much as whisper , for fear of being heard ; Monsieur having gone through stitch with his work , and tired to boot , leapt out of bed with his Pistols , and taking up his Sword , went to the farther end of the room and drest himself , having so done , he calls to his reaking Miss , bidding her to come to him , she excused her self , saying she was in a great sweat , and might catch her death thereby , but seeing Monsieur grow resolute , she obeyed . Monsieur hereupon clapt a Pistol to her breast , saying , Begar Mrs. Bish-Fox , give me my Gold , begar if you will not — for love , begar you shall never have my money , and so taking the Guinny's from her , went couragiously down the stairs to his Lodging . Monsieur being gone , out crawls the Cowardly Cobler , and the Cuckoldly Coward , each blaming one another , and both the woman ; what would you have me to do quoth she , since he lay atop of me , and what would you have us to do said they , since you both did lye a Top of us ; well Husband all that I can say is , by this covetous stratagem of yours , you have made me a Whore ; Proved that mighty man your friend a rank Coward , and your self an unpardonable Cuckolk . The old Miser out-witted by his daughter . A Merchant of Landon , growing old and Rich , Retired himself a little distance from the City , for the Benefit of the Air , and took with him his Sister and an only Daughter , having no other Relations living ; and though he had left of Trading , yet some business he had with a Merchant in the City that called him thither thrice a week compleatly . A Servant to the Corespondent of this old Gentleman , had a great and real love for his Daughter , whose Beauty alone , without the incouragement of a Vast estate her Father intended to give , was inducement enough for any mans affection ; and such was his Happiness that she entertain'd a more than common kindness for him ; but it was both their unhappiness , that the Father understood their loves , and to prevent their further growth by meetings , he commited his Daughter to the careful tuition of her Aunt , who was so jealous of her trust , that she walkt , nor talkt with any unless she was present , so that she was inaccessible to her Languishing despairing Lover , yet did he leave no means unattempted , if not to discourse , yet at least to see his beloved object , haunting the House like some disturbed Ghost , but all to little purpose . The Fates at length pittying the sufferings of these two constant lovers , infused a stratagem into the young Gentlewomans head , whereby they might have a Mutal , and a constant correspondence by Letter , of which she inform'd her Love by dropping a paper out of the Window to this effect ; Friend dearer than Life , MOdesty will not permit me to discover my Grief , and Troubled thoughts for being thus debar'd of your speech , and presence , and that which aggravates my sorrow is the often seeing you , without the ability of coming to you , However some comfort my invention hath of late procured me by finding out a way how we may express our minds to each other by writing ; 't is thus in short , I have a little unript the Cape of my Fathers Cloak ( that 's lined with Velvet ) into which I have put a letter ; when he comes to your Masters be officious to help him off with his Cloak , which he uses to do when he goes to Dinner , and in the Cape you will find my Soul contain'd , which take out , and send yours in the Room to her who lives no longer than whilst she loves , &c. The satisfaction that he received from these Lines was inexpressible , but much more , when he found the plot took so well , that he could twice a Week send to , and hear from the only comfort of his Life , and keeper of his happiness . By this stratagem they held a correspondence a longtime , but being eager of an interview , they had like to have spoiled all ; for in a Letter he appointed her a place where they would meet , in order thereunto she stole out of the House , but not so Privately , but that she was watcht by her Aunt , and followed to the place , where seeing this young man , and knowing whose Servant he was , reviled him with all the reproaches imaginable for indeavouring to seduce her Niece , a fortune too Sublime for such a Groveling Earth Worm as he ; but , said she , I 'le acquaint my Brother with your Knavish intentions , who shall take a Course to prevent your proceedings , and with other Minaces away she goes with her Kinswoman , leaving the young man in a Condition more Miserable than imaginable ▪ At Night the Old Gentleman returning , he was informed by his Sister of what had Past in his absence , notwithstanding , all her Care , and watchfulness ; at the report thereof the Old man was ready to run distracted , and no body but would have guest so much by his raving , every word being an express symptom of Madness ; he called his Daughter a Thousand mis becoming names , and the best was Baggage , Strumpet , &c. reviling her with disobedience and what not ; and that which made her condition the more intollerable was , he would not let her speak in her own defence , and as she was about to do it , he flung out of the Room and left her ; glad she was that she had some respit from her Sorrow , and so betook her self to her Chamber , where locking her Self in she instantly writ a Letter to her Love , acquainting him with her Fathers Deportment towards her , with a Register of the very Names he called her , with other abuses , and having so done she slid it into the Cape as aforesaid . The Old man arose very early the next Morning , in a passion , and to London he trotted , having no other business than to acquaint , the Merchant ( his Friend ) how he was abused by his Servant , and to vent his Spleen , and Choler on him . The young man was abroad at his coming , so that his Master received all the Shock of the Old Gentlemans fury , who was a little tam'd by him before his return , by informing him that his man was not so Dispicable as he imagin'd , having so much Per annum in Land , besides a good stock of Mony to begin the World with ; that besides all that , he would t ust him ( as soon as free ) with a Thousand Pounds hrmself ; this they talkt walking in a great Hall , the C loak Hanging up in the Parlour ; where they ursually Dined , which gave our Lover on his return the opportunity of receiving his usual intelligence . He could not but be troubled you must think , , when he read how his Love was abused , but since he could not remedie it , he was resolved to make use of the information . He had just finisht his Reading , as they both came into the Parlour , where immediately upon entrance the Old man rav'd and rail'd most insufferablly , calling him Beggers brat , Thief , Cheat , &c. And how durst he have that aspiring thought to Rob him of his only Daughter , Heiress to above forty thousand Pounds . The young man with much Patience heard , and modestly told him he was much to blame , to villifie him after that manner , since it was well known , that he was not only a Gentleman , but born to an estate : but Sir , ( said he ) it is no wonder , you miscal me , when you spare not your own chast and virtuous Daughter , calling her by the base and false names of Baggage , Strumpet , &c. Hey Day , Hey Day , a Wizard , a Wizard , ( quoth the Old man ) else how could he tell those very Names , I do confess I call'd my Daughter . Well , Sir , now I know how to be rid of a Knave ; I am glad on 't ; I 'le have you Indicted , and arraigned for a Witch , and so I hope to see you burn for your Leachery . His kind Master , seeing the Passion of this peevish piece of antiquity caus'd his man to withdraw , whilst he indeavoured to infuse a better opinion in him towards his Servant , which gave him the convenience of writing ; after Dinner his Master and the old man withdrew into the Hall again , and then ( as formerly ) he convey'd the Note into the Cape of the Cloak . Was not this an honest Porter think you that would thus constantly carry Letters for Lovers some Miles , and never demand a Penny , Coming home and hanging up his Cloak , according to custome , took aside his Sister into the Garden , and there discourst her , telling all that had past between him , his Friend and the Servant ; in the mean time the Daughter examined the Cape , and found what she expected , wherein she was inform'd of the passionate carriage of her Father , with his abusive language , and to sweeten all , he pleasantly related how he was suspected for a Wizard , occasion'd by his happy intelligence . The old man returning from the Garden fell foul on his Daughter with revilling termes ; Dear Father ( said she ) use your pleasure as to me ; call me what you will , though I deserve not the abuse , I will patiently indure it , but do not abuse that honest young man ; assure your self he is no Beggers brat , Thief , Cheat , nor Wizard : Hey day , Hey day , Hey day ( cries the old man again ) what my Daughter a Witch too ; well , well , since it is so , you shall ene have my consent to be Marryed to a stake togethet , and so you shall have a Bonfire at your Wedding . These very words she sent back to her Lover in her Fathers Cape , who took an opportunity to take it out , and having read it , waited to meet the old man , who was consulting with his Master , and was by him so fully inform'd as to his Servants estate , his honesty , and industry in his service , with several other things which tended highly to his advantage , that the old Gentleman was willing to admit of a Parley with his Son-in-Law that must be ; and as he was about to speak with lesser anger than before , he was prevented by the young man , saying , Sir , come end your , cruelty all at once , I am ready to accept of that Marriage of the Stake you proposed last Night to your Daughter : if I cannot live with her I love , I shall rejoice to dye with her . The old man was all amazement , to hear what ere he said at home in private should be known abroad ; at length he collecting himself , and having somewhat calm'd his passion , he told the young man since he saw the Stars did fight against him as to this Marriage , he should have his Daughter , conditionally he would tell him how he came by this strange intelligence , whether the Devil , or his Angels did assist him in it , &c. To this the young man replyed , That he came not to the knowledge of what he said secretly elsewhere , nor his Daughter , but by humane means , and that he would tell him how , so be it he would for give the Person . No , no , never ( cry'd the old man , in a great rage ) I will first see him rot in an Hospital , or be Hang'd at Tibourn , and be Damn'd rather than do it ▪ Nay then ( said the young man ) you are to Blame , Sir , to be so uncharitably cruel against your self ; for from you , and you only we received this intelligence ; you were the Porter , or Messenger that carryed Letters between us : how ! how can this be ( with much Wonder cry'd the old man ) ; to convince you ( said the other ) I will now show you a Letter in your Portmantue that this Night by your means will be delivered to your Daughter , and thereupon taking the Cloak he shewed him the rip in the Cape , wherein they mutualy conveighed Letters to each other . To be short the old man was infinitely pleas'd with the Stratagem , and in a little time lov'd tho young man more than he hated him formerly , ane gave him his Daughter with a vast some of mond down at the Marriage day , and in less than twelvy months did his Son and Daughter the kindness to leave the world , and leave them all he had . A PREACHMENT ON MALT . CErtain Townsmen of Prisal , returning from a merry Meeting at a certain Ale-house , met in the Fields a Preacher , who had lately made a bitter Sermon against Drunkards , and amongst other opprobrimous words , called them Malt-worms , Wherefore they agreed to take him , and by violence compel him to Preach a Sermon , and his Text should be MALT : The Preacher thinking it better to yield , than contend with them in their cause , began his Sermon as followeth . There is no Preaching without Division , and this Text cannot well be divided into many parts , because it is but one word , nor into many Syllables , because it is but one Syllable ; It must therefore be divided into Letters , and they are found to be four , viz. M , A , L , T , These letters represent four interpretations , which Divines commonly do use thus , M. Moral , A. Allegorical , L. Literal , T. Tropological . The Moral Interpretation is well put first , and first to teach you boysterous Men some good manners , at least in procuring your attention to the Sermon ; Therefore M. Masters , A. All , L. Listen , T. to the Text. An Allegory is when one thing is spoken , and another thing meant ; The thing spoken is Malt , the thing meant is the Oyle of Malt , commonly call'd Ale , which to you Drunkards is so precious , that you account it to he M. Meat , A. Ale , L. Liberty , T. Treasure . The literal sense is as it hath been often heard of heretofore , so it is true according to the letter , M. Much A. Ale , L. Little , T. Thrift . The Tropological sence applyeth that which now is to somwhat following , either in this world , or in the world to come , the thing that now is , is the effect which Oyle of Malt produceth and worketh in some of you , viz. M. Murther , in others , A. Adultery , in all L. Loose living , in many T. Treason , and that which hereafter followeth , both in this world and in the world to come , is M. Misery , A. Anguish , L. Lamentation , T. Trouble . I should now come to a conclusion , and withal , to perswade you boysterious men to amend , that so you may escape the danger whereinto many of you are like to fall , but I have no hopes to prevail , because I plainly see , and my Text as plainly telleth me it is M. to A. that is , a Thousand Pound to a Pot of Ale you will never mend , because all Drunkards are L. Lewd , T. Thieves , but yet for discharging my Conscience and duty , First towards God , and Secondly towards you my Neighbouts , I say once again , concluding with my Text , M. Mend , A. All , and L. Leave , T. Tipling , otherwise , M. Masters , A. All , L. Look for , T. Terrour and Torment . By this time the Ale wrought in the Townsmens Brains that they were between Hawk and Buzzard , nearer sleeping than waking , which the Preacher perceiving stole away , Leaving them to take their Nap. IN the year 1641 when Episcopacy was become a subject of debate in Parliament , Mr. Grimstone who form'd this Argument , That Bishops are Jure Divino is a Question . That Archbishops are not Jure Divino is out of Question . That Ministers are Jure Divino there is no Question . Now if Bishops , which are question'd , whether Jure Divino , and Arch-Bishops which out of Question are not Jure Divino , suspend Ministers that are Jure Divino , I leave it to you Mr. Speaker . Was answered by Mr. Selden thus , That the Convocation is Jure Divino is a Question . That Parliaments are not Jure Divino is out of Question . That Religion is Jure Divino there is no Question . Now Mr. Speaker , that the Convocation which is questioned whether Jure Divino , and Parliaments which out of question are not Jure Divino should medle with Religion which questionless is Jure Divino , I leave to you , Mr. Speaker . Mr. Grimstons replie . But Arch-Bishops are no Bishops . Mr. Seldens Answer . That 's no otherwise true than that Judges are not Lawyers , and Aldermen not Citizens . The Ideot is wittie to do the poor man right . A poor begger in Paris being very hungry stay'd so long in a cooks shop , who was dishing up meat , till his stomach was satisfied merely with the smell thereof : upon which account the choleric cook demanded payment of him : the poor man denied it , and the controversie was referr'd to the deciding of the next man that should pass by , which chanced to be the most notorious Ideot in the whole citie : he on the relation of the matter to the amazement of all persons , most sagaciously and wittiely determin'd , that the poor mans money should be put between two emtie dishes , and the cook should be recompensed with the gingling of the poor mans money , as he was satisfied with the only smell of the cooks meat . The Dutchmans Mistake . Dr. P. ( one who has been sometimes observed more than ordinary in his performance of Ceremonies in the church ) coming into the Arch-Bishops chappel at Lambeth reverendly bowed toward that end of the chappel , where the communion table stands ; It happened that a Dutch-man totally unacquainted with all such ceremonies , being lodg'd at Lambeth , had all alone wandred into this chappel , and had placed himself not far from the communion-table : so that when the Dr. bowed , he rose up and very lowly bowed again to him ; the Dr. bowed the second time , and the third time ; and still every bow was returned by the Dutchman with the greatest obeysance and humility imaginable , and when he came home being ask'd where he had been , he replied he had been in the Kerk , and then infinitely magnified the civilities of that person , ( whom he describ'd ) thinking nothing less than that the Dr. had pay'd so grand a reverence and respect to him . A Love-Elegie from one of the Five Members to his Paramour , together vvith his repulse in her Ansvver . A. 1642. Carmen Eroticon ab uno Membrorum quinque , ad Dilectissimam suam Amicam D. C. conscriptam . ILLE ego prognatus de nigrescente caballo , Quem fertur moriens spontè dedisse Pater , En Patrem refero ( petulans genus extat equorum ) Pronus in amplexus , ( diva Corinna ) tuos : Ille ego cordate cujus moder amine vobis Nondum clauduntur ( Parliamenta ) fores , Quem ratis Angliacae Typhin , quem qúis quē popelli Regalis currûs Automedonta vocant , Quique Stuardiadis Caroli diademata vinco , Vincor captivue ( pulchra Corinna ) tuus . Curribus en jungit binas Cytheraea columbas ▪ Cantat Iö victrix , ecce triumphus , ait . En tibi subjectus , jam nunc dedisco rebellem : Quem nequiit piëtas flectere flexit amor . Et licèt haud valeam Dominum tolerare Carollum ▪ Te fateor Dominam ( sancta Corinna ) meam . Ah me Discipulum Veneris plus fulmine sternunt Ex oculi pharetris spicula jacta tuis . Neque tamen regis fasces amor urget habendi , Quàm quibus ingenii sis potienda modis : Aureus in gremium patulum tibi ( chara ) venirem ▪ Ut quondam Danaë Jupiter imbre suae . En tibi submitto jugulum ; si jusseris ipsa Sedulus in funes obvia colla dabo : Non me latratu terret canis iste trifauci , Quando concubitum ( Lux mea ) quaero tuum . Iphias ô Capaneu non tunc magis arsit amore , Quum fertur rapidis desiliisse rogis ; Soepius ad trutinam tua dum voco membra videtur In tete solam multa fluisse Dea , Inque domo menti petulans Cytheraea residit , Inque tuis oculis coesia Pallas adest : Occupat & frontem spaciosam Sospita Juno , Incolit & digitos praevia lucis 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 : Cum subit in mentem nox ista novissima , quando Miscuimus placido membra silenda thoro : O mihimet geminis quoties occurrit ocellis Qualiter & lepidus fronte renidet Amor ! Quum memoro leves humeros , habilesque papillas , Ulnas candidulas , & juvenile foemur ; ( Quod caput est formae ) capitis dum cogito formam , Et meditor positam non sine lege comam ; Istam praecipuè simulac ego cogito partem , Partem quam verbis indigitare pudet ; Ah quo tunc rapior ! quantis tunc aestibus uror ? Quàm furiis instar pectore soevit amor ? Distrahor hinc atque hinc & curas mente voluto , Ut rudis indomito fluctuat unda Mari Millena in mentem subeunt molimina nostram , Dum rabidus meditor qua potes arte capi . Utque saginatus reserato carcere Taurus Obvia cum fuerit crebra Juvenca salit Seu velut in luxum praeceps fuit iste caballus , Qui Matrem passim fertur amasse meam ; Sic paritèr totum spirant mea corda Pryapum , Seu mihi per somnum ( pulchra puella ) subis ; Sic me a turgescunt alitèr languentia membra , Seu mihi per mediam tu subis alma diem : Quum fato fungar , sic sic lascivia vitam Auferat ; ah placuit sic mihi soepè mori . Nec pudibunda nimis metuas ab amante procari , Foemellas novi soepe fuisse procos ; Pulchra Laërtiaden iterúmque iterúmque Calypso , Heu precibus cassis usque manere rogat : Dardanium juvenem sitiebat Punica Dido : Cynthia cum labiis Endymiona petit , Et licèt agrestem ( modo vati credis ) Adonin Idaeliam dicunt soepè procâsse Deam : Quanta sit Idalia expendas , & Cynthia quanta ; Sunt utraeque Deae , fac imitêre Deas . Tu tamen haud procus es velut hae , sed & ipsa procaris . Solus ago , solùm tu patiâre velim : Sis procul à fastu , neve assimilare Sabinis : At faciles aures tu perhibere velis : Qui si vel nasus vel frons mihi desit eburnea ? Murice nec Tyrio subrubuêre genae ? Est color incertus , nec tu confide colori , Decipitur pulchro Graja puella viro ; Pelle licèt tenebrae dominantur , Lux tamen intus ; Vileo si membris , splendeo mente tenus : Quid licèt ▪ harmonico careant mea membra tenore ? Et malè concinnus quilibet artus erit ? At caro pinguescit , mihi sunt & mollia crura , Suráque suppetiit semivieta mihi . Squalidus est oculo , digitis arridet obesus Quod formâ minus est hoc mihi supplet adeps . Millibus ex multis ( experto crede ) puellis , Gaudia quae mihi fert plurima , pinguis erat : Hoc est in causâ , quod nunc ( uxore relictâ ) Nostri festinant ad tua rura pedes ; Nempe voluptatis nihilum mihi frigida conjux Suppeditat , penè est iste senilis ager : Mandamus tritis semen sine foenore sulcis , Null áque tondetur falcibus inde seges ; Sed tuus ( ô utinam ! ) pariat mihi gramina campus , Viderunt agri vix tria lustra tui . Aetas non unquam retrò retro-acta vocatur ; Florem , dum florem carpo , Corinna tuum . Quandocunque tamen nos conveniemus in unum , Corpore molliculo fac sine Teste fruar , Non quasi castratus spado sine Testibus essem , Sed quia lascivum nolo patere torum : Secretis que jocis fac alta silentia praestes ; Quum placidum nobis hoc peragetur opus : Nam non privatus sed jam Respublica fio , Et mihi vel coecus quilibet Argus erit : Aptius idcircò cum prima crepuscula lucent , Ad lectum veniam , blanda Corinna , tuum : Et mihi furtivos aditus transenna fenestrae Adstruet , à dextrâ qua patet uda palus : Nuper enim cum nocte thoro convenimus illo , Infidae memini tèr crepuêre fores : Tunc indoctus eram , nunc usu promptior exto : Et magis assiduè jam taciturnus ero ; Neve tuus videat Genitor , Custodibus et si ( Carceris insontem ) Parliamenta dabunt . Mutuò tunc nobis aderit satis ampla voluptas ; Quae quoad eveniat , diva Corinna , vale . The Ladies answer to the praeceeding Love-Poem . Anno 1642. WHAT , Latin , Sir ? why there is no man That e're thought you an English Roman . Your Father horse could teach you none , Nor was it e're your Mother tongue : Your Education too assures Me , that your poem is not yours : Besides I thought you did detest The language of the Latine beast ; But now your impudence I see Did hereby shew its modestie ; Each sillable would blush you thought , If it had been plain English taught . And that your foul debauched stuff Might do its errand fast enough . Forsooth its wisdome thought it meet , That words might run to give 'em feet . Pardon me , Sir , I 'm none of those That love Love-verse , give me your Prose . I wish each verse to make delay Had turn'd lame Scazon by the way ; I read an hell in every line of your polluted Fescennine . Your verses stunck , to keep 'em sweet , You should have put socks on their feet ' And that the answer which I shall Now write may be methodical , I 'le briefly make , 't is not amiss , An Anacephalaeosis . And first I look'd for Nestor , when Meer Cupid trickles from your pen ; Who was your father you make proof By your Coults tooth though not your hoof . She that was great with you you hold Did not lie in , but was with fold . I wonder one so old , so grave , Should yet such youth , such lightness have ; Of the five members you alone Shall be esteem'd the Privy one ; Who ( like the Gnosticks ) preach , your text , Increase and multiplie ; and next Convincing Doctrines you deduce , Put out the lights and so make use . You say I am a Maid exceeding Apt to be taught by you good breeding , But where there 's Breeding , it is said , There 's none , unless a broken maid : Turn Papist , Stallion , they 'l dispense With whoredome by an Indulgence : Turn Friar , that thou mayst be free At once with a whole Nunnerie , There 't will be vertue to ride on The purple Whore of Babylon . Thou mayst as soon be Turk as King ; And that , ô that 's the tempting thing : Then thou mayst glut thy appetite With a Seraglio of delight . I am no Proserpine , that thus I should desire an Incubus : But you must vote ( if me you 'll win ) No Fornication to be sin . You say the house takes it not well , The King ' gainst Rebels should rebel ; And that 's the reason why you stand To be Dictator of the land ; Which put me to a mighty toil Of getting verdigrease and oil ; ' Cause such Itch-medicine is a thing That 's fittest to annoint you King. You say you 'ld undergo and do Wonders , would I undergo you : For my sake you would Cobler play , Your trade should be to under-lay . For me you 'd spend your chiefest Blood. Pray spend it on the Sister-hood . You wish to die in those great fights Of Venus , where each wound delights : And should I once to heav'n take wing You 'ld follow me , though in a String ; Thank you good Sir , it is our will , You your last promise do fullfill . There 's nothing spoke that pleaseth us , Like your in funes sedulus . Next come those idle twittle twats , Which call me many God knows what 's ; As hallow'd , beautifull and fair , Supple and kind and debonair : You talk of women that did woe , When I am mad I 'll do so too ; Then that my father may not spie The coupleing of you and I , He shall be guiltlesly detected As a true Subject ill-affected , And so the Protestant shall lie In goal for fear of Poperie . Such fancies as these I 've thought best Should punish'd be by being press'd . And that this Body Politick May then be well , which lies now sick . May the Greek Π that fatal Tree This Spring bear all such fruit as Thee . Eoemina , ex omni parte , Formosa . TRiginta haec habeat quae vult formosa vocari Foemina , sic Helenam fama fuisse refert ; Alba tria , totidem nigra , tria rubra , puella Tres habeat longas , tres totidemque breves , Tres crassas , totidemque graciles , tria stricta , tot ampla Sint ibidem huic formae , sint quoque parva tria : Alba cutis , nivei dentes , albique capilli ; Nigri Oculi , Cunnus , nigra Supercilia ; Labra , Genae , atque ungues rubri ; sit corpore longa ▪ Et longi Crines , sit quoque longa Manus ; Sintque breves dentes , auris , pes ; Pectora lata , Et clunes , distent ipsa Supercilia ; Cunnus & os strictum , stringunt ubi cingula stricta ; Sint coxae , & collus , vulva que turgidula , Subtiles digiti , crines & labra puellis ; Parvus sit nasus , parva Mamilla , caput . Cum nullae aut rarae sint hae , formosa vocari Nulla puëlla potest , rara puëlla potest . The Roman-Catholic Ballad ; or an Invitation to Poperie , upon considerable grounds and reasons . To the tune of 88. SInce Popery of late is so much in debate And great striveings have been to restore it , I cannot forbear , openly to declare That the Ballad-makers are for it . We 'l dispute no more , these Heretical men Have expos'd our books unto laughter , So that many do say , it will be our best way To sing for the cause hereafter . O the Catholic cause ! now assist me my muse How earnestly do I desire thee ! Neither will I pray , to S. Bridget to day But only to thee to inspire me . Whence should purity come but from Catholic Rome ? I wonder much at their folly ; For St. Peter was there , And left an old chair Enough to make all the world holy . For this sacred old wood , is so excellent good , If Tradition may be believed , That whoever sits there , , needs never more fear The danger of being decieved . If the devil him self should ( God bless us ) get up , Though his nature we know be evil , Yet whilst he sate there , as divers will swear , He would be an infallible devil : Now who sits in this Seat but our Father the Pope ? So that here 's a plain Demonstration , As clear as noon-day , we are in the right way , And all others are doom'd to damnation . If this will not suffice , yet to open your eyes , Which are blinded with bad education , We have Arguments plentie , and miracles twentie , Enough to convince a whole nation : If you give but good heed , you shall see the Host bleed , And if any thing can perswade ye , An Image shall speak , or at last it shall squeak In the honour of our Lady : You shall see without doubt , the devil cast out , As of old by Erra Pater . He shall skip about and tear , like a danceing bear , When he feels the Holy water . If yet doubtfull ye are , we have Reliques most rare , We can shew you the sacred manger Several loads of the cross , as good as e're was To preserve your souls from danger . Should I tell you of all 't would move a stone wall , But I spare you a little for pittie , That each one may prepare , , to rub up his ear For the second part of my ditty . The second part to the same Tune . NOW listen again to those things that remain , They are matters of weight I assure you ; And the first thing I say , , throw your Bibles away , 'T is impossible else for to cure you . O that pestilent book ! never on it more look I wish I could speak it out louder , It has don more men harm , , I dare boldly affirm , Than th' invention of guns and powder ; As for matters of faith believe what the church sayth , But for Scripture leave that to the learned , For these are edg tooles , , and you lay men are fools , If you touch them you are sure to be harmed : But pray what is it for you make all this stir ? You must read , you must hear and be learned ; If you 'l be on our part , , we will teach you an Art , That you need not be so much concerned . Be the Churches good son , and your work is half don , After that you may do your own pleasure . If your Beads you can tell , and say your Ave Mary well , Neuer doubt of the heavenly treasure . For the Pope keeps the keys ; and can do what he please , And without all peradventure , If you can not at the fore , yet at the back dore of Indulgence you may enter : But first by the way , you must make a short stay , At a place call'd Purgatory , Which the learned us tell , , in the buildings of Hell , Is about the midlemost story . 'T is a monstrous hot place , and a mark of disgrace , In the torment on 't long to endure , None are kept there but fools , , and poor pittyfull souls , Who can no ready money procure : For a handsome round summ , you may quickly be gon , For the church has wisely ordein'd , That they who build crosses , , and pay well for Masses , Should not there be too long detein'd : So that 't is a plain case as the nose on ones face We are in the surest condition , And none but mere fools , , and some nigardly owls , Need fall into utter perdition What aileth ye then ye great and rich men , That ye will not hearken to reason , Since as long as ye have pence , ye need scruple no offence , Be it murder , adulterie , treason . And ye sweet natur'd Women , who hold all things common , My addresses to you are most hearty , And to give ye your due , ye are to us most tru And I hope we shall gain the whole party ; If you happen to fall , your Penance shall be small , And altho ye cannot forego it , We have for ye a cure , if this ye be sure , To confess before ye go to it : There is one reason yet , which I cannot omit To those who affect the French nation , Hereby we advance ▪ , the Religion of France , The Religion that 's only in fashion . If these reasons prevale , ( as how can they fail ) To have Popery entertain'd , Ye cannot conceive , and will hardly believe What Benefits hence may be gain'd ; For the Pope shall us bless , ( that 's no small happiness ) And again we shall see restored The Italian trade , which formerly made This land to be so much adored : O the Pictures and rings , the Beads and fine things , The good words as sweet as honey , All this and much more , shall be brought to our door , For a little dull English money . Then shall traffic and love , and what ever can move , Be restor'd again to our Brittain , And learning so common , that every old woman , Shall say her Prayers in Latin. Then the church shall bear sway , and the state shall obey , Which is now look'd upon as a wonder , And the proudest of Kings , and all temporal things Shall submit and truckle under ; And the Parliament too , who have taken us to do And have handled us with so much terror , May chance on that score , ( 't is no time to say more ) They may chance to ackowledg their error . If any man yet shall have so little wit , As still to be refractory , I swear by the mass , he is a mere Ass , And so there 's an end of a story . ( 1. ) A Young Lady having of a long time had a desire to have her Picture drawn by an excellent Limner , sent for him , and told him , That for as much as she had heard he was an excellent Artist , she desired he would draw her to the life , as she was , a Maid , and exactly of the same stature . The Painter having used the utmost of his Art to resemble her Features to the life , brought home the Piece ; in the which she could find no fault , except that he had drawn her a little less than she was . Oh Madam , said he , Posterity would never believe my Draught , had I made you any taller ; for 't is very rare in this Age , to find a Maid so bigg . ( 2. ) A Countrey Fellow being set upon by a Mastiff , kill'd him with his Pitchfork , the owner of the Dog demanded satisfaction , and brought him before the Justice : But still the Clown pleaded he did it in his own defence . Nevertheless you ought , said the Justice , to have struck him with the other end of your Staf. Truly so I would , said the Peasant , had he run at me with his Tail. ( 3. ) A Taylor that was ever accustomed to steal some of the Cloth his Customer brought , when he came one day to make himself a Suit , stole half a yard ; his Wife perceiving it , asked the reason ; Oh , said he , 't is to keep my hands in use , least at any time I should forget it . 4. A Scholar that fancy'd himself to sing well , notwithstanding he had a very hoarse voice ; having often observed that a poor woman was used to cry when she heard him sing , asked her at last the reason . Truly Sir , said she , when through poverty I had sold all my goods , and had nothing left but a poor Ass , at last I lost my Ass , and I never hear you sing , but you put me in mind of it . ( 5. ) A Gentleman passing by , a poor man asked alms of him ; whereupon the Gentleman asked him what he lived upon ? Sir , said he , I can make no answer to that ; but had you asked me what I die of ? I should have told you of hunger . ( 6. ) A Gentleman playing a Game at Tables in a Chamber in Fleet-street , four stories high , had so ordered his Game , that no chance of the Dice could lose it but one ; yet it so happen'd that that chance came ; whereupon he grew so passionate , that bringing down the Tables into the Street , he made a stop , and asking the next Gentleman that came if he understood the Game , the Gentleman said he did ; Then pray Sir , said he , what do you think could lose me the Game ? then pausing a little , I think there 's nothing but such a chance . Why then , said the passionate Gamester , God dam me , if I have not thrown it . ( 7. ) A Stranger being much necessiated , as he walked into the City , to do that no one could do for him ; and being in a place far from any of his acquaintances , and void of convenience for that purpose , went into an Upholsters Shop , and asked the Man to shew him a Close-Stool , which being done , he asked if he had no better ; Yes Sir , we have , said he , all of coloured Velvet : Go then , said he , and fetch two or three ; in the mean time he let down his Breeches and sate down ; the Upholsterer seeing him in that posture , asked him , What he did ? I am trying it , said he , and pulling up his Breeches , I will have none of them , they are all too low . ( 8. ) Pace the bitter Fool , was not suffered to come at the Queen , because of his bitter humor , yet at last some pressed the Queen that he should come to her ; undertaking for him that he should keep compass , so he was brought to her , and the Queen said , Come on Pace , now we shall hear of our faults . Saith Pace , I do not use to talk of that , which all the Town talks of . ( 9. ) One rode furiously among some Quakers that stood in a yard , hearing the Speaker from the top of the Barn , and being rebuked by a Brother , Why should not my Horse , said he , have to do here at the meeting , as well as the rest of the Asses . ( 10. ) Several persons of several Callings , being invited to a Feast , it happen'd that amongst the rest , there came an old Grammarian , not altogether arrayed after the mode , nor cloathed so well , as many young Gallants that were there ; this gave occasion when the Wine had made every man's tongue free to speak his mind , that a young Spark , to put a jest upon the old Grammarian , said , Pray Sir , since I know you to be well skill à in Genealogy , who was the Father of Peleus ? to which he answered , Tell me first if you can , who was yours ? ( 11. ) When the Trojans sent Ambassadours to Tiberius , to condole the death of his Father Augustus , a long time after he was dead ; the Emperour considering the unseasonableness of it , requited them accordingly , saying , And I am sorry for your heaviness , having lost so valiant a Knight as Hector ; who was slain above a thousand years before . ( 12. ) A poor but witty lad , brought up to the University , and admitted in a Colledge , could not go to the price of a new pair of Shoos ; but when his old ones were worn out at the toes , had them capt with Leather ; whereupon his Companions began to jeer him for so doing : Why , said he , must they not be capt , are they not fellows ? ( 13. ) A learned Gentlewoman put a Question to a young Scholar , which was , Why the Infinitive was next to the Optative ? of which he said , Because we never make an end of desiring . ( 14. ) One lighting a Candle , and striving to slick it in a Candlestick , it often fell out of the Socket , at which he said in choller , That he thought the Devil did possess the Candle . Why do you wonder , said his Companion , it cannot stand ? Do you not see that 't is light-headed ? ( 15. ) Two Fellows going with a present to a covetous Man , one of them said they should but lose their labour ; well says t'other , I 'll hold you a Crown that we shall get there both Meat , Drink and Money ; Done , says t'other : and being come thither , one of them told him that he was very dry , then he bid them go down into the Celler ; and when they came there , he told the Butler , that he could not drink without eating ; then the Butler went up and told his Master of it , who bid him set a cold Pasty before them ; of which they eat plentifully : and when they had fill'd their Bellies , they both went to the Master to take their leaves of him ( also expecting some gratuity ) which when they saw not appearing , says one of them boldly , Pray Sir what shall we say to my Master if he should ask us what you gave us : which put him to a stand for a while , at last he gave them half a Crown : so the fellow won his wager . ( 16. ) A Cavalier in Oxford-shire , that was very zealous in his loyalty for his Prince , and had suffered very much for it ; and once meeting with some of the Rumpish Officers at Oxford , says one of them to him , God save you Noble Squire , and you , says he , if it be possible : ( 17. ) A Confident and Impudent Fellow had the faculty of enveighing against all Persons of his acquaintance , but only one ; which made another ask him , why he did not enveigh against him also : No , says he , by no means ; for he has the property of a Tennis-Ball , that will rebound back again and retort ; for you know as well as I , that Crows de not sit upon Dogs Backs , but upon the Sheeps : so that if a Man will make himself a Sheep , the Crows will crow over him , and will pull the Wooll off his Back to . ( 18. ) A mad hare-brain'd Countrey Fellow , came to a great Lady that was his Landlady , to tell her that his Wife was brought to Bed : Faith 't is true Madam , says he : How brought to Bed , says my Lady , what was she Drunk or Sick ; no , no , Madam , I mean she has a Child : O , says my Lady , now I understand you : Well then , says she , what has God sent her ; Faith , says he , nothing as I know of ; I don't believe she ever heard from him in her life : Puh , says the Lady , I mean has she a Boy or a Girl : Od'ye mean so forsooth Madam ; why guess then , says he : 't is a Boy , says My Lady , no vaith Madam guess again ; why a Girl , says she : Faith Madam I think in my Conscience you are a Witch , 't is a Girl indeed . ( 19. ) An English Man and a Scotch Man were both in the hold of a Ship together , in the last Ingagement at Sea , and as they were in the heat of the Fight , says the English man to him , Come le ts go up and partake with our Brethren in the Fight , and not stand here like drones and do nothing : Be God , says he , we aw my heart ; and as the English Man led the way , when he was half way up , a great Bullet came in and cut him just in two in the middle : Uds bred , says the Scotch Man , What the deel dost gang up to fight and leave thy Arse behind thee . ( 20. ) A great Divine being extreamly Sick , a Physician was sent to him , and when he came , he askt him the cause of his Distemper : and finding the Physician to falter much in his discourse , he told him plainly he 'd take none of his Physick : For , says he , is he be not able to shew me the cause , I am sure he is less able to take it away : and so had him turnd out ( 21. ) A Woman in the Country having lost abundance of Linnen off her Hedge , but could not imagine who was the Thief , so she went to a sober Gentleman , whom she took to be an Astrologer ; to desire him to help her to her Linnen again ; then he took her up into his Chamber and bid her lie down upon the Bed , and when he knew her as well as her Husband , he told her he would tell her more : What , says she , d' ye intend to make me a Whore , Why yes , says he , why should not I make you a Whore as well as you make me a Witch . ( 22. ) A Clown in Flanders had a very pritty Woman to his Wife , and both came to an Inne six miles from Gaunt that night , and a lusty Spanish Souldier happened to lie there that night also , and when they were both in Bed , he seeing she was handsome , made up the number three in the Bed , without saying by your leave ; and the Woman it seems lay in the middle ; and the Clown hearing the Souldier , as he thought something too bold with his Wife ; durst not speak at first ; at last he took a courage ( for you must know he was wonderful valiant ) and bid her desire the Spaniard to lie still , and she being a very discreet and good natur'd Woman and to avoid any further quarrelling : said , Sweet Husband , you know I can't speak Spanish , but let me entreat you to rise and go to the Sexton , for he speaks Spanish very well : So the good man followed his dear Wives advice and rose and went to him ; and what was done then is quite out of my head now ; but before he came back the Spaniard was gone , which when he perceiv'd he began to domineer : swearing if he had him here how he would cudgel the Rogue , for troubling of them so that night : In truth Husband , says she , ( very discreetly ) I am heartily glad you did not come while he was here , for in your anger I am sure you 'd a kill'd him ; and I know you are very desperate : But prithee sweet-heart , says he , how long did he stay when I was gone ; truly Husband , says she , you were scarce out 'o th door but he ran away : Well , says he , I can't chuse but laugh to see how I have scar'd him ; you see what comes of pollicy and discretion now ; for if I had been hasty , the Rogue might have kill'd me for ought I know , and then what wouldst thou have done for such a good Husband again my dear . Truly Husband , says she , 't was best as 't is , and I am very well pleas'd with what was done . ( 23. ) An English Merchant told a handsome Venetian Curtesan that for all her subtilty and Beauty , he would lay a wager with her of Forty Crowns , that she could not tempt such a Man to her embraces , and yet she should lie with him all night : Well , says she , lay down the Forty Crowns I 'll venture it ; which she did , and yet notwithstanding all her Inticements , she could prevail nothing with him : in the morning she was askt whether she had lost or not , she ingeniously confess'd she had lost one way but not another : For , says she , you told me I should lie with a Man , but I found that I lay with a Stone . ( 24. ) A Gallan it seems upon a time cast his eye upon precise Mistriss Temperance , a Feather-makers Wife , and after a little conference , swore he would lie with her : What , says she , can't you glance upon a modest Woman as I am , but you must covet ; indeed Brother I must chide you for it : Well , says she , but that I am tender of Oaths , and would be loath to have you break yours , for the Oaths sake I am willing to consent to you at present ; but otherwise I profess I would not do it , if you 'd give me a thousand pound . ( 25. ) One was asking why Monks and Friers were call'd Holy Fathers ? another that was there told him there was a great deal of reason for it ; in regard of the multitude of Bastards they do yearly get in all places : which shews indeed they are wholly Fathers . ( 26. ) One told one with a Red-face , that his face was dispark'd ' cause there was no pale : Though there 's no pale , says he , yet there 's good store of Reddear ; viz. Dear red . ( 27. ) One hearing the Story of S. George that kill'd the Dragon , said , sure 't was a lye : Nay , some believe there was never a S. George nor a Dragon ; pray God there be a Maid then , says a simple Fellow . FINIS .