The Booke of bulls, baited with two centuries of bold jests, and nimble-lies, or, A Combat betweene sence and non-sence, being at strife who shall infuse most myrth into the gentle-reader a treatise in variety of pleasure second to none ever yet printed in the English-tongue : wherein is contained nothing alreadie published / collected by A.S. Gent. 1636 Approx. 166 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 143 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2007-01 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A18367 STC 4941.5 ESTC S3430 33149788 ocm 33149788 28489 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A18367) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 28489) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1475-1640 ; 1873:5) The Booke of bulls, baited with two centuries of bold jests, and nimble-lies, or, A Combat betweene sence and non-sence, being at strife who shall infuse most myrth into the gentle-reader a treatise in variety of pleasure second to none ever yet printed in the English-tongue : wherein is contained nothing alreadie published / collected by A.S. Gent. Chamberlain, Robert, b. 1607. A. S. [24], 117, [1], 143 p. For Daniel Frere and are to be sold at the Bull in Little-Brittaine, Imprinted at London : 1636. Attributed to Robert Chamberlain by STC (2nd ed.). Second part has caption title, "The last two centuries of bulls, jests and lies," and running title, "Bulls, jests and lies." Signatures: A-E¹², a-f¹². Reproduction of original in: Harvard University. Library. 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Bulls, Colloquial. 2005-11 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2005-11 Aptara Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2006-07 Ali Jakobson Sampled and proofread 2006-07 Ali Jakobson Text and markup reviewed and edited 2006-09 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion The Booke of BVLLS , Baited with two Centuries of bold Jests , and nimble-Lies . OR , A Combat betweene Sence and Non-sence , being at strife who shall infuse most Myrth into the gentle-Reader . A Treatise in variety of pleasure second to none ever yet printed in the English-Tongue ; wherein is contained nothing alreadie published . Collected by A. S. Gent. Imprinted at London for Daniel Frere , and are to be sold at the Bull in Little-Brittaine . 1636. To the Blinde Reader . TO you the dul brood of Mydas , who are internally blinde , I could finde in my heart to tell you as much as you already know , which is iust nothing ; because you can discerne no farther then you can see . Philosophers have beene of opinion that humane Soules , in discending , recive illumination in the Sphere of Saturne , which Orbe certainly your Soules baulked , since reason and you are as contrarie as fire and flame . Yet thogh posterity hath long since registred you fooles , and antiquitie heareafter shal confirme you such , I will in silence say something to you . If these Bulls please you as much as they are like you , when they calve you shall have more . You cannot dislike them , unlesse you are out of love with your owne compositions , for out of such simples as you they are as certainely compounded as a log is made of a Beetle ▪ you shall finde here as good sence as ever lippe was layed to . In a word , or none , I dare compare for sence with al the Ancient moderns . I will give place , but never precedency , either to Pas●auantius , Matagones ▪ de Matagonibus Mounsiur Goulard , or any other Author famous for delineating wise Ignorance . If I shall haue your detracting comendations , say not a word , by which mutenesse of yours , I shall apprehend that your consent argues silence But if your extolling ●oothlesse Detraction must needs lay her ●enemous fangs on mee , I then end with this complementall Bull. Farewell and be hang'd . TO The discerning Reader . TO You the sacred issue of Apollo , I dedicate this booke , because you onely are capeable ▪ and apprehensive of the quicke & nimble conceptions , and of the grosse ignorance , contained in it . you can quickly discouer a Bull , when with his hornes ▪ he gores & murders sence . Also you well understand the lawes , and nature of Apothegmes . You know their proper time to be chiefly at boord , when the mind is to be vnbended , and digestion aided by mirth . You are not ignorant that there is an Antipathy betweene them , and all places where either sicknes , or sorrow have dominion , and therefore do alwaies produce them in their sence . You are taught by wisedoms selfe , that they are to mixe with our discourse , not to be made the subiect of it , as also that they should resemble Children new borne in innocency , & in being toothelesse , for if they bite or offend they are no longer ●est● , but affronts Lastly you can truely iudge of their dignitie , being rightly informed , that men excellent both among the Greeks , and Latines , have not beene ashamed to Father them thogh now every illiterat sott vents them by hundreds . For your recreation and mine owne , I wrote them , yet dare not commend one of them , til I know how you stand affected . Since I freely confesse that my liking depends on yours . And heere I leave them to their fate , and you to the custodie of your better Angells . TO The Bull-Reader . THIS is the fruit of Travelling , to sweare Thou wert admitted Natures Counsellor , Sworn to her privie Chamber , to discrie The entrailes of each hidden Misterie : Such vertue have these Beasts , to let you see The Imps of Ignorance , whose stupiditie Stain man's perfections , and bid you call Non-sence Discoursive , Monsters Naturall ; Have you no Faith to credit them ? Then heare The Martiall Author by his valor sweare ; May his deere purchas'd credit nere be salv'd , Were he not Midwife when his Bulls were Calv'd . R. C. Cant THE BOOK OF Bulls . 1. A Fellowe passing through S. Pauls Church-yard , & seeing so many great free stones lie there ready squar'd out , said to one that was vvith him , I vvould I had these stones at home in my yard ; vvhy , what would you doe with them , said the other ? Marry said he , I would build me a brick wall with them round about my house . 2. One being demanded the definition of a Bull , hee answered that a Bull was an Oxe with two stones . 3. A great traveller swore that in the deserts of Arabia he had seene a Unicorne with two hornes . 4. One being at the fall of a very fat gelt Deere , was asked by one ( who was no huntsman , and desired to be enformed ) how he cal'd that Deere ; to whom hee answer'd that it was a barren Buck. 5. One whose usual protestation was wont to be as I live , being asked how hee did , answered , dead as I live . 6. A Preacher at a funerall Sermon lamenting the shortnesse of mans life , told the people that there were many beasts outlived a man , for example , the Raven , the Hart , and the Oake , dearly Beloved . 7. A Scholler complaining to his Governour , that one of his fellows had vvrōg'd him , & being demanded vvherein ; if it please your vvorship said he , I had no sooner turned my back , but he abused me to my face . 8. A fellow at dinner demanded of one at the Table , vvhat part of the Bullock a Clod of Beefe vvas , the other laughing at his ignorance , told him it vvas the shoulder-bone of the flanke . 9. One seeing a Peare-tree very full , vvondered vvhat the owner could doe vvith all those Peares ; vvhy said another to him , he sels them to the Bakers to make penny apple pies of them . 10. A fellow that vvas robb'd , said the theeves had stollen all his linnen except onely one brasse pot . 11. One speaking at a feast of the bravery of the great Turke then reigning : another standing by desired to know what was the great Turkes christen name . 12. Two passing the street in a serious discourse , a dumbe man begg'd of them after his mute manner ; Sirra said one of them to the dumbe man , can not men passe the streets about their businesse , but you must thus disturbe their conference , Get you gone , or I le set you packing , and with that lifted up his foot to kick him ; O fie , said his companion , will you kick a dumbe man ? Is hee dumbe , repli'd he , why did he not tell me so then ? 13. Many dining together at an Ordinary , after dinner was done , one ask't another if he would play a rubber or two at Bowles , ( marry will I ) quoth he , if you wil play a peece Rubbers ; No , answered the other , I never play above two shillings , before ( repli'd he ) I will play for two shillings , I will sit downe and walke horses . 14. Discourse arising at the table , of those creatures to which Nature had allotted the longest life , one pleaded for the longevitie of one creature , another of another ; and one amongst the rest swore hee knew that of all things in the world an Eele lived longest after it was dead . 15. One passing the Ferry at Hampton Court , the Ferry-mans wife at that time row'd the Boat ; vvhereat hee vvondering , said to his companion , Lord blesse us , I never in my life saw a vvoman a ferry-man before . 16. One cōming before a Judge to be tri'd for his life , and being found guilty pleaded hard for himselfe ; but his fact being notorious he could by no meanes obtaine any favour ; whereupon he burst out into immoderate vveeping , and vvith bended knees , and hands lift up besought the Judge that he would grāt him life for his wives sake , and his fatherlesse children . 17. One relating to certaine friends of his vvhere hee had supt the night before , and how hard he & the company dranke ; said , I never tippl'd so hard in my life , and a great vvhile I bore my drinke well , but at the length finding I was so fox'd that I could not stand ▪ I tooke my cloake , & ran home as hard as I could drive . 18. One telling another how healthfull a thing it was to live in a good aire , and on the contrary , how unwholesome to live in a bad , The other thus repli'd , vvhat you say I know to be true ; for I my selfe dwelt in the Fenny Countrey ; vvhere if I had liv'd till this time I had beene dead seaven yeeres agoe . 19. One discoursing of the succession of Popes , what brave worthy men some of them had beene , and what villains others had prov'd themselves : but for the Pope then living , how good , and wise a man he was ; a subtle stander by put this question , I pray you my Masters , ( quoth hee , ) if this Pope die without a sonne , who shall be Pope next ? 20. Many sitting together at dinner , one of them complain'd of the scarcitie of money ; how that heretofore hee could have taken up an hundred pounds upon his bare word ; that now if he were to be hang'd he knew not where to borrow five pounds ; one of the company said hee thanked God that for his part he need not complaine ; for quoth he , I have of late met with an honest Scrivener that will lend me at any time twenty pounds upon my own Bond without Scrip or Scrowle . 21. One comming into an Inne , and espying a handsome Hostesse , fell into discourse with her ; and amongst other questions ask't her how long shee had liv'd there , to whom shee answered , but three dayes ; I pray you , said hee , at the next word , How many Barrels of Beere doe you draw a weeke ? 22. Divers swimming together in the Thames , at length all went out save one , who stai'd very long after the rest ; wherenpon one of his fellowes cal'd to him to make hast out , in that it was late , I pray thee , said he , stay but a litle , I will but untrusse a point in the vvater , and come presently . 23. Two playing together for a Peece , he that won finding the others Peece to bee so wash't that the image was almost quite defaced , refused to take it ; whereupon the other referr'd it to the judgement of the standers by , whether it were good , I or no , The rest refusing to judge it , as not knowing what it was , by reason it was so defective ; one undertook to judg it , and swore he knew it to be an Elizabeth Jacobus . 24. A horseman passing a Ferry , and having an unruly Jade , said to the Ferry-man ; honest friēd , I have a skewing horse , wherefore I pray thee tie him to the water . 25. One being at Bowles in the afternoone upon a Sun-shine day , and bowling very ill , swore in excuse of himselfe , that the light of the Sunnes shade did so dazle his eyes that he could not see the Mistresse . 26. One in a great assembly praising the situation of London , said it was defended from the rage of the North by hils , that to the South it had a pleasant river , that to the East & West it had beautifull plains : to which another repli'd , that indeed no exception lay against it but one ; for said he , if it stood in the Countrey it were the finest Citie in Christendome . 27. A Citizen and a Gentleman made a match to runne their Grayhounds at a Hare for a wager , and when they came into the field , the Citizens Dogge beat the other ; whereat hee much rejoycing said to the Gentleman , How doe you like the running of my Dogge , to which the Gentleman answered very wel , but withall quoth he to the Citizen , did you ever see a better Hare run ; faith said the Citizen , I must confesse she ran well for a countrey Hare . 28. A Lord walking in a Church where all his ancestors were buried , an old servant of his then present said , O my Lord , what worthy men these were , I sweare if I live I will be buried close by them . 29. Two plai'd a game at Noddy for halfe a Crowne , and hee that won finding the other had stak'd but two shillings , told him hee had stak'd short , to which the other repli'd , I find where your mistake lieth , for you perceive not that one of the testers I staked is a shilling . 30. Two playing at Tick-tack for money , hee that lost desired they might play a while for nothing , to which the other assenting ; he that before had lost so many games , now won more ; vvhereupon hee said to the other , when wee play for money you alwayes beat mee , but if you le play for nothing , I le play with you for a hundred pounds . 31. Two walking together in a Cloister , and vaunting of their swift running , one of them said to the other , doe you run this way , and I le run that ; and I le hold you ten pounds I le meet you before you meet me . 32. A Gentleman being drown'd in Oxford , his Tutor sent a messēger for his Father ( who dwelt a hundred miles off ) to come to the funerall of his only Son. The messenger ariving at his Fathers house , found that hee was dead also ; whereupon hee returned in all hast back , and when he came to Oxford , said to the Tutor ; Sir , the Son may now , if he will go , to his fathers Funerall ; for he is dead also . 33. A singing man who alwaies bore the base , being merry on a time with the rest of the quire made this Challenge . Wee are sixe Bases onely in this Quire , and we sixe will play at any exercise with any other sixe that sing the same part in the same Quire for ten pounds of my purse . 34. One relating to another the death of one whom hee loved most dearely , hee thus in a very great passion answered , It cannot be that hee is dead ; for had hee beene dead , I know he would have sent me word . 35. A purblind fellow in a misty day passing Pauls chaine ran against one of the posts , and taking it for a man said , I cry you merry Sir , and presently running against the other , said , I cry you mercy againe Sir , truly I thinke you and I shall meet in Heaven . 36. A Captaine in thr Low-Countreys being in the company of one , who was a very goodly and a properman demanded his name , and learning that he was named Bird ; hee said , this is not that Bird vvhom Taverner kil'd , is it ? 37. A Merchant hearing on the Exchange that Marshall Byron was beheaded for Treason in France asked the relator if hee lost his head before his death , or after . 38. A Doctor & Captaine Norris walked from Londō to Greenwitch , Where when they ariv'd the Doctor being weary , sayd , I had not thought it had beene so farre from Londō to Greenwitch as it is , why ( said Captain Noris seriously , and bound it with a great oath ) no more it is not . 39. One having dined in an Ordinary , seeking round about for his Cloake at length found a Gamster sitting upon it , whereat hee being much offended , said , What Sir , doe you make a Canopy of my Cloake ; I pray you Sir , sit up , and give it me . 40. One relating to others a mischance had befallen him ; said as hee rode over a Bridge his horse skew'd , and fell with him off from the Bridge , and that by some neare at hand hee was tataken up as dead as any man living . 41. One passing by a Polterers shop , and seeing an exceeding fat Swan lying on the stall , said to his companion , I would that Swan were mine , why said the other , what would you doe vvith it if it vvere , Marry , repli'd hee , I would make me a Goose Pie of it . 42. One comming by chance into a very merry company , said , Gentlemen I thinke you are merry in sober sadnesse . 43. One asked another what a clock it was , to vvhom hee answered , It is past twelve very neare . 44. One reporting that ●elton had kil'd the Duke , another standing by said , There vvas never such a cruell blow given , for he cut two of his ribs , and his Magna Charta quite in two , He would have said , Vena Cava . 45. One reporting what a huge great storme rose the night before , said , it shooke the vvhole house as I would shake this pillar . 46. A hireling Player demanded an augmentation of his meanes from the Company , and received a deniall ; whereat being much offended he said , I protest if you mend not my wages you shal see me in Ireland within these two dayes . 47. A Player being asked how hee got his living all the sicknesse time , answered , I taught 〈◊〉 Dancing Schoole . 49. One said to another , I far'd bravely the last night ; for I bought a breast of Mutton , and carri'd it home to my wife , and rosted her to my Supper . 50. Two Serving-men failling out about the dignitie of their Masters , one told the other his Master was a Knight ; O but , replied the other , my Master is a Knight and a halfe , for he 's a Barronet . 51. A Gentleman having a faire ▪ but an old house , one perswaded him to pull it downe , and build it up againe , to whom he said ; vvhat my Masters , vvill you perswade me to pull down a house that hath stood in my great Grandfathers time , and in my Grandfathers ; nay , and ( as I take it ) in my Fathers ? 52. A knavish fellow who had a naturall foole to his Master , and of great ranke , apparell'd himselfe in all things like a Spaniard , and came to him and presented him with the King of Spaines commends . Whereat his Master being right joyfull askt him how the King of Spaine did , and how long it was since his arrivall , to which he answered a moneth ; what , said his Master , and can you speake no English yet ? no indeed , repli'd the other ; whereas indeed they had spoken English all the while . 53. A foolish fellow making lamentable faces as if hee were in great paine , one askt him what he ail'd ; O , answered he , I have such a paine in my thigh , that I cannot lift my hand to my head . 54. A blind Minister comming to speake with a Gentleman , his man came and told him , that the old blind Minister was come to see him . 55. Two fellowes bragging what houses their Masters kept that Christmas , one of them said , my Master kil 's every day an Ox ; Tush , said the other , my Master kil 's every day an Ox and a halfe . 56. One brought a Butcher before a Justice , and accused him for killing a Cow that died of her selfe , and selling her flesh in the Market . 57. A Gentleman sent his man out of England into the Low-Countreys , and charg'd him to make all possible hast back . The servant making a very slow returne , his Master rebuked him , and ask't him the cause of his so long stay ; to which hee answered that hee vvas kept at Sea a long time by a contrary vvind : Why , vvhere vvas the vvind said his Master ; Marry repli'd he , by North , and by South . Indeed answered his Master that vvas a very contrary vvind . 58. One reporting not vvithout indignation an affront hee had receved that day from a very Goose , another in his company said ; O , I know vvhat Goose yon meane , in my conscience you meane a Goose vvith two legs . 59. A Citizens vvife being in the Countrey , and seeing a Goose that had many Goslings ; how is it possible , said she , that one Goose should suckle so many Goslings . 60. One accused another before a Justice for stealing Peares off from his Plum-tree . 61. A foolish Gentleman using alwayes to wipe his britch with the letters he received , having list to goe to the retrait called to his man for a letter ; who repli'd that hee had none left , Then said he , take pen & inke quickly and make me one . 62. A Bull Prologu , to a foolish Audience . YOu who sitting here , doe stand to see our Play ; Which must this night , be acted here to day . Be silent , 'pray , though you alowd doe talke , Stirre not a jot , though up & down ye walk ; For every silent noise , the Players see , Will make them mute , and speake full angerly . O stay but here , untill you doe depart ; Gently your smiling frownes to us impart ; And we most thanklesse , thankfull will appeare ; and wait upon you home , but yet stay here . 63. A fellow having a great kibe on his heele , swore it was as big ●s an ulcer , & as sore as a walnut . 64. One who had beene in the Indies swore hee had seene an entire Christall rock of pure Diamond . 65. Amongst the Quaere's sent to the Prince De La'moar one is , vvhether or no the Queene of Sheba ; vvere she now living , vvould goe as farre to heare his Highnesse say nothing , as to heare Salomon speake wisely ? 66. A fellow in way of derision said of another that hee looked like King John amongst tho Apostles . 67. One askt another whether , or no hee had ever read Venus and Diogenes . 68. Another askt his companion whether , or no he had ever read Nero , and Leander . 69. One falling from his horse , and pitching on his head ran amongst a great assembly of his acquaintance , and swore his neck was broken . One espying a very fine Bitch , enquired of the standers by whose Dog that Bitch was . 70. One saying that hee was taking a journey to Oxford , a friend of his demanded whether he rid or no , to whom hee repli'd that hee went a foot in a Waggon . 71. Discourse arising at Table of the miseries of this world , one amongst the rest said , I have so many 〈…〉 that I would 〈…〉 of this life , or out 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 world 〈…〉 whether . 72. One speaking very loud to another without being heard , swore the fellow was dumbe he could not heare . 73. One telling his companions the danger a sonne of his escaped that day , made the relation of the hazard . My boy , said he , being but three yeeres old , and playing in the street fell down , and was not able to rise ; A Scavinger p●●●●ng that way wi●h his Cart , and not seeing the Child , drave directly upon him , and the first Horse of the 〈…〉 his feet , without touching him , and so did the second ; but the third had his foot up just over his head in all likelihood ready to dash out his braines , but the tender beast ( as if a man had said to him , Horse hold thy hand ) held his foot a long time up , in so much one who passed by , and seeing the danger the Child was in , took him up , & brought him home . 74. A Player having in his part , All honour to this high imperiall presence , said thus , All honour to this high infernall presence . 75. One bra●●ging what 〈◊〉 sute he had , and another standing by , askt him where it was , he answered , In my head . 76. One threatning another absent , meaning to say that where ere hee met him hee would kill him , though hee found him pissing against a wall , swore hastily that where ere hee met him , he would run him through a wall pissing . 77. One calling another sonne of a whore , a stander by rebukt him for so saying ; for said hee , you know his mother to bee an honest woman . It is true , repli'd the other , I know his mother to bee an honest woman , but he is the sonne of a whore . 78. One manning his Dogge at the Beare-garden , and falling into a quarrell with the Butchers , had his head broken in divers places , and comming home , pray'd his wife to looke carefully to him ; for said he , I have twenty broken heads . 79. One putting this qnestion to another , when shall we have a merry night ? Marry , repli'd the other , of all the nights in the yeere , let it be on May day in the morning . 80. One praising much the Lord Major of that yeere present , another standing by swore hee had seene a thousand better . 81. A Butcher swore that his Dog fought with a Beare single foure houres to one . 82. One praying another to lend him a groat , he answer'd , he had but one about him , and that was a single three-pence . 83. One swore hee should never abide the Mooue more ; for , said he , she serv'd mee the most fluttish trick the other night ; for she shone out till I came to a Ditch , & then she slipt behind a cloude , and let me fall in . 84. A fellow having a very neat beard , would needs have it cut off ; for , said hee , it is nothing but haire . 85. One being askt if hee knew such a man , yes , repli'd hee , I know him by sight , though I never yet saw him . 86. One disclaiming anothers acqaintaince , swore he knew him no more then a begger doe's his dish . 87. One being in the water prayed another to come in also , to which he said , I protest I can swimme no more then a dogge , and being entreated the second time , he said , I vow I can swim no more then a post , and being more earnestly the third time , will'd to come in , he vehemently swore he could swimme no more then a Goose . 89. One asking another in a Moone-shine night what a clock it was , hee repli'd , I have a Sunne-diall in my pocket will informe you presently . 90. One in a great kindnesse told another hee did indite him to break his fast with him at supper . 91. A Case being argued before a Judge , a Lawyer with great earnestnes affirmed that his Clients right was as clear as a Candle by day-light . 92. A Gentleman making a motion to his companion to ride to a friends house three or foure miles off , the other said , it is too farre to goe to night , wee le rise early in the morning , and not goe at all . 93. Two laid a wager how farre it was to such a place , the one said it was ten miles distant , the other that it was above ; for I am sure , said he , it was ten miles twenty yeeres agoe , and no doubt but miles , as all other things , have their encrease . 94. One swore to another that hee lodg'd not long agoe in a chamber , where hee was so stung with Gnats that he could not rest , but was faine to lie standing all night , and that he made his man rise to put out the candle , to the end they might not see to bite him . 95. One complaining of the folly of the age , swore men were farre wiser in the future times then now . 96. One speaking of a strange Bird called a Phenicopter , another standing by , said hee had read all the Treatises of foure-footed beasts , yet never read of such a Bird. 97. In the great roome one paire of staires high , at the St. Iohns head within Ludgate in a painted cloth is the picture of Jacobs Ladder , and the Angels on it passing up and downe , and underneath is written ; Here are Jacobs Angels ascending , and descending up to Heaven . 98. One being pray'd to s●t down to dinner said , I thanke you for your kind invitation , but I can eat nothing ; for I have had a long time no more stomack then a horse . 99. One earnestly desired mee , to tell him whether Shrove-tuesday fell out this yeere , on the Saterday or no , and how many there was in the yeere . 100. Another asked one what Sir Timothy Thornhil ; his Christian name was ; another answered he had almost forgot , but certaine hee was t was , George or Thoma● . 101. A Gentleman comming to the chamber of an associate of his ; where finding him in bed ( sleeping , ) he waked him , saying , rise sluggard , doe you not remember where wee promised to walke this morning ; pray pardon me , quoth the other , I cannot goe with you , you must needes excuse mee , I came late home last night ; late home , quoth the other , prethee how late was 't , why 't was five a clock in the morning quoth the other . 102. An other was saying all kind of Fowle were two leg'd , to whom another standing by repli'd I , but a Pig hath foure . 103. A fellow looking in a Lattin Booke , was ask'd by a friend ( that overlook'd him ) whether he could read it or no , to whom he repli'd , yes indifferently , but 't is the brokenst English that ere I saw . 104. One comming to a Gentleman Prisoner in the Castle , in Oxford ; he began to him in this complement , how doe you Sir , are you within , I rejoyce to set you ; I am in some hast , but pray stay here sir till I come againe , and I le beare you company an houre or two . 105. A fellow hearing one cry Sandwitch Carrets , ran to him and desired to see them ; which being shewed to him , you cheating rougue ( quoth he ) are these Sandwich Carrets , I indeed are they Sandwich Carrets ( said the other ) to whom he repli'd they may bee Sandwich Carrets , but they were sowne and reapt in London . 106. A fellow bragging of his knowledge in Musick , swore he would play exempore with all the Musitians in London and Christendome . 107. A fellow having a broken groat in his pocket , comming to a Goldsmiths shop in Cheapside desired the prentice no give him a little peece of silver as bigg as an hazell Nut to zoder it againe ; when you come into our countrey I le give you a peece of lead shall bee twice as bigge . 108. A couple of shopkeepers in the Exchāge , seeing Lords , Knights and Gentlem●● ( which they knew ) 〈…〉 into disputation which was the handsomest Gentleman in that company ( quoth the one ) me thinks that 's the handsomest Gentleman ( pointing to a Lord ) which caused the other to laugh at him ; why laugh you quoth the other ; why ( repli'd he ) hee is a Lord , I said the handsomest Gentleman . 109. Two Gentlemē walking in a Medow , one shewing the other a fat Bull grazing there , said to the other , will not that Bull have a brave paire of Cow heeles when he is kil'd . 110. A fellow having received some abuse from his companion , swore next time hee met him he would make him eat his Dagger to a Sword. 111. A fellow feeing his friend playing with his wife , swore they shewed like the two Germains . 112. A friend of mine ask'd mee once in what place of England ▪ Ireland stood , and was answer'd by another , in Wales . 113. One told mee , reading the workes of a Philosopher : Either Publius Virgilius , or Maro found such a Problem as hee would not now be ignorant of for an hundred peeces . 114. A fellow speaking in praise of his Painter , said he drew his wives picture so lively , hee did not leave undone so much as an Eye or an Nose . 115. A man reproving his neighbour with the ungraciousnesse of his children , swore he would bring up his child to the gallowes , ere hee would suffer him to be a thiefe . 116. A Gentleman hearing his friend speake a piece of nonsence , admired him , saying , was ever Calfe brought to bed of a Bull before ? 117. One jeerd a young Saylor , and said that he was but a fresh water Sea-man . 118. A Vintner shewing his Sellar to a Gentleman , said ( looke you ) all these emptie vessels are full of Wine , and yet I cannot please my guests . 119. King James lying sicke , one prayed in publicke that hee might raigne as long as the Sun and Moone should endure , and the Prince his Sonne after him . 120. One being sicke of a Consumptiō , being ask'd by a friend how he did , answered , I thanke God I am heart whole , but I am troubled a little with a Hectick Fever . [ A Hectick Fever is either in the Spirits , or substance of the heart . ] 121. A subtle Disputant said sense was divided into two parts , sense , and non-sense . 122. A formall grave fellow said he vvas of opinion that Melancholy was nothing else but a kind of sadnesse . 123. An Engeneere threatned to blow up a Citie gates with a Petar of inundation . 124. One having lost his hat , said I am so forgetfull that in my conscience I should loose my britch , did I carry it about me . 125. One said to a Widow , that hee could find in his heart to marry a woman were shee neither beautifull nor rich ; so she were wealthy . 126. A Sea-man describing the manner of his Captaines going aboord , said ; No sooner had my Captaine set one foot aboord the shore , the other in the shippe . 127. One newly married being discover'd by another to walke discontented , said , This fellow now hee is married walkes up and downe like an Image . 128. One seeing another offer in way of jest to strike at him with a Clubbe , said , take heed lest you hurt mee , t is ill jesting with edge tooles . 129. A foolish fellow was angry with his wife for bringing home a shoulder of Mutton without the Rumpe . 130. One being upon Dover Castle , said hee , could discover in Calis by his prospective the signe of Saint Denis of England , and Saint George of France . 131. A Gentleman said , I stay'd but a litle while by a fish-pond , and leape sayes one fish , leape sayes another . 132. Two comming through a field where formes of men are cut in Ewe , the one demanded what such an Image was ; why , quoth the other it is Cain , & the other demanding why Abel was not there also : marry , repli'd his companion , because he kil'd his brother . 133. One who dwelt in Kingstone was asked what good companions lived there ; faith answered he , except I. P. there is not one worth the hanging , as though hee had spoken much in his cōmendations . I. P. meeting him , said , I thanke you sir that you hold me worth the hanging ; No , repli'd the other , J meant there was no man in the Towne that deserv'd but you , I , That deserved hanging , answer'd the other , that is worse then the former . 134. One said he rod his horse till he had never a dry thred . 135. A certaine fellow that had a great head like a thick rind Orange , but no juce of wit in it , was reprehended because hee spake non-sense : well said hee , it is not for want of ignorance that I speake non-sense . 136. A blind man was taking Tobacco , but could not find the candle to light it ; whereupon sayes he , pray neighbor put out the candle that I may see how to light my Tobacco . 137. An old woman that made water often in the night , having fil'd the chamber-pot , so that it ranne over ; O husband sayes she , the chamber-pot hath a hole in 't , fetch the cullender . 138. A Countrey fellow being askt how old his horse was , why sayes he . He 's but a yong horse considering his age . 139. A Seaman that was to bee hir'd , being askt what he could doe . Sir sayes hee , I doe not love idlenesse , but whither I doe any thing or not , I love to be working . 140. A Traveller on the way askt one how farre it was to the next Towne . It is foure miles sayes he straight forward , but the nearest way is to goe about by the Mill , for that will bring you cleane out of your way . 141. A maid being askt how long shee had kept her maidenhead , why sayes shee ? ever since my sister was married , and yet I scorne but to be as good a maid as she , though shee bee married before me . 142. A Countrey fellow being demanded , if hee thought one were an honest man. He 's an honest man sayes hee , and no knave , I knew him to be one . 143. One askt one how he lik'd a cup of Wine which they were tasting . Marry sayes he I never tasted Wine that lik'd mee so well , but I have dranke better in France . 144. An old man was commending the dayes of old ; wel sayes he , there was more mirth one Holliday , then there is now in a hundred . 145. An old man being desired to come to banquet : Alas sayes he , I have no teeth to eat sweet meats , if it were a hard crust I could eat it . 146. One being advised to goe to Sea , because he was in debt : no sayes hee , I had rather goe by land all over the world , for a man need not feare drowning by land . 147. One askt what his Hat cost : why sayes hee , it cost mee ten shillings , for t is made of as good blew wooll , as the white sheepe can beare . 148. One desiring a neighbour of his to lend him a porridg-pot : faith neighbor sayes he I would not have my pot worne out ; if you will make porridge without boyling , you shall have it . 149. One being to eat a kind of meat called a Mllian : pray sayes he to another , do you tast them , for if they poyson an honest man , I shall never feare them . 150. A Gentlewomā being at table , and mincing demurely : well sayes one , this Gentlewoman has no skill to her dinner , yet me thinkes shee might fall too , and dine whē she comes home . 151. One being to set a Hen upon Egges : well sayes she , if my dozen of Egges would bring mee fourteene Chikins I would not care . 152. One complained that his tongs and shovell were worne out : whereupon sayes hee I will goe and buy a woodden paire of tongs , for they will serve in the Summer time to stirre up the fire when there 's none in the Chimney . 153. A Maide that had a great deale of beauty but little wit , stood looking in her glasse , at last she set the glasse before her a pretty distance of , so that the reflection of something was seene in the glasse ; whereupon shee said : well , t is no matter , though the shadow bee ryemouth'd , the substance is as right as my leg . 154. One having an extreame cough : well sayes he , one cough is very troublesome , what shold a man doe if hee had one and twenty . 155. One that needs would have his cloathes made in the fashion , said thus to his Taylor ; prethee sayes hee make my cloathes according to the old garbe of Sir John Oldcastle , for I love to be in the newest fashion . 156. An old woman had scratcht her breech till it bled ; whereupon shee said : well plainly I see that by scratching and scraping a body gets somewhat . 157. One having a tooth to draw , and being very fearefull to endure the paine : prethee sayes he pluck it out gently , and then I care not if my tooth be drawn and hang'd in a Lute-string . 158. One that went often to the house of Office said , that his maid Joan had not scowr'd his vessell , & that was the reason he was troubled with a scowring . 159. A woman that had a drunkard to her husband : well sayes shee I care not if my husband wonld bee drunke every day , so he would not spend his money in drunknesse . 160. A young man being fallen deepely in love said : I wonder why I should stumble or fall in love , for I never went a wooing but in the day time . 161. One hearing a maid sing very sweetly , said : this maid has hath a sweet breast , I warrant shee weares muske in her bosome . 162. One being to ride over a great water : O sayes he if there were a bridge over it , I would ride over the vvater if it vvere never so deepe . 163. One having a creek or paine in his back : wel sayes he , a paine that takes one before in his back is worse then that vvhich takes one behind . 164. A young fellow being to salute a Gentlewoman that had a mufler before her lippes : vvell sayes he , it 's honour enough for me to salute the clout ; it may be the Gentlewomans lippes are sweetest when they are strain'd . 165. A young wench going to market , being askt by a neighbour how all did at home : why sayes he , my father , and mother , and rest of our folkes have bin visited with sicknesse , but all the houshold is vvell in generall . 166. One being to tell a tale to make the rest merry , sayes hee I vvould tell you a tale , but to conclude in few vvords , I can remember nere a vvord on 't . 167. One travelling on the vvay saw a faire maid making vvater under a hedge side : fie sayes he , shee might have had more modesty , and made vvater on the top of the hedge , for then shee could not have beene seene . 168. One having a trunke that could not hold his cloaths : well sayes he , the Taylor hath made my cloaths too little , I wonder why they should be too big for my Trunke . 169. One having rid a horse , and alighting againe said , this horse for a trotting ambler goes the easiest that ever I felt . 170. A sick man askt another how he did : I am well sayes hee as you , or any body else can bee that is no better in health then I am . 171. One askt another vvhy hee did not marry . I am about a Wife sayes he , but I am afraid of entring into purgatory , for then I should have a cold time on 't 172. A Fidler being desired to play a new Tune : Sir sayes he , let me stand behind your back and I le play you a Tune was never play'd before . 173. An old Churle in the Countrey said , that the dayes in Queene Elizabeths time farre exceeded these for length ; for now foure and twenty houres to a day is counted a great matter . 174. One sitting by a fire , O sayes he these coales are exceeding good , foure pecks of them are worth a bushell of other coales . 175. One going to the house of Office , fie upon 't sayes hee here 's a house indeed adoriferently ; I warrant they eat no sweet meats that leave this sent behind them . 176. One being to sing a Catch , Faith sayes hee , I had a good voyce once , but I spoyl'd it with drinking Egges and Muskadine . 177. One askt another which was the best pot-herbe ; why sayes he , in my conceit a legge of mutton is the best pot-herbe in the pot . 178. A drundard passing through a Forrest , and being scratcht by the Bryars ; if you are loving friends sayes hee , let mee goe home , I have but one penny left , and that 's in the outside of my pocket . 179. One speaking of the weather , and the spring-time , we are like sayes hee to have a backward spring , for Saint Matthias day lights on a Holi-day . 180. One going by water , and seeing a Swan flutter on the vvater , O sayes hee , vvhat an asse is yonder Goose , that had rather live on the vvater , then on the dry land . 181. One riding to Rumford on a sack upon a tir'd Jade : faith , sayes hee , I never rid harder in my life , considering the slownesse of my pace . 182. A Ditcher wading in a ditch began to sigh unto himselfe , and thus hee said : well , of all trades ditching is the worst ; especially , whē a man must stand dry-shod in water up to the knees . 183. One that had a great Nose being laugh'd at : well sayes he , my Nose hangs indeed in my light , or else I might have seene a knave , but howsoever if I were hastie , no man might sooner take pepper in the nose . 184. One making of Puddings said : It is very cold weather , and if my nose drop into my puddings , my wife is not so much in fault as my running head . 185. One looking on a Picture said : This must needs bee an excellent Art , vvho vvould not be hang'd , to bee thus drawne forth and quartered . 186. A Justice examining a poore fellow said : sirrah , I understand you are a Thiefe , but take heed ; for if you be once hang'd , your Booke cannot save you from the Gallowes . 187. One being askt how many friends hee had in the world : faith sayes he I have great store of friends that would be as glad to see me as their owne hearts . 188. One being troubled with a loosenesse in his belley : prethee said he to his man tye my points hard , that it may stay my loosenesse , and set me a chaire in my chamber , that I may not goe to the stoole so often . 189. One being to reach a thing to another out of a window ; but could not : friend sayes he reach it out with your left hand , for it may be the left hand is longer then the right . 190. A man having a wife that lay sick on her death-bed , and desired to make her will : That needs not sayes her husband , you have had your will all your life time , would you have your will when you are dead too . 191. One asking a schoole-boy how farre hee had learnt in his Grammer : why sayes hee I am at finis funis ; what 's that sayes he ; sayes he , it is an end and a halter , I sayes tother , but if it had beene an end in a halter , it had beene a better conclusion . 192. One being invited to a funerall feast , because he would expresse some dissembled grief : well sayes he , the party deceased our brother , was an honest man : and whereas other Smiths pawne their tooles , he kept his vice to his dying day . 193. A Cobler was defyning the goodnesse of Ale ; well sayes he , let my wife chide never so much , if shee should cut my throat I would drinke strong Ale. 194. A controversie arose betweene two young fellowes concerning their trade ; well sayes the one , if I had follow'd my trade , I could have deceived you in my calling , for I was never dull of reprehension . 195. One was speaking of the height of Pauls steeple . In troth sayes hee it is the highest steeple for the breadth in the world , and the reason is because the steps are higher in going up then going downe . 196. A Traveller telling his Hoast that hee was gal'd ; how came that to passe sayes his Hoast : marry sayes hee my saddle was soft enough , but I rid over a hard stony causey , and that galed my breetch . 197. One being to take his leave of his friends : well sayes hee , friends must part , and affection will breake out of these dry conduits of my eyes , but farewell and be hang'd , I can but wish you well . 198. A fellow that had no buttons to his doublet before : well sayes hee , of all fashions loopes and buttons is best , for though the buttons weare off , yet the loopes will hold a mans doublet together . 199. A wench that serv'd hogs , being ask'd what wages shee had : why sayes she I have twenty shillings a yeere , that 's six shillings a quarter , and please the hogs . 200. One was going upon the Ice which crakt under him : well sayes he if the Ice should break I should be over head & eares , but t is no matter I can swim if I were at the bottome of the water . 201. One having got the drunken Hiccock : this it is sayes he to drinke Aqua-vitae and Rosa Solis , and such Latin hot-waters , that a man must bee afterward put to decline Hic , hoc , when he cannot speake English . 202. One being sent by a Justice of Peace to carry a Goose in a basket to a Gentlemans house for a present : faith sayes hee , I could find in my heart to let him out , for the Justice has charg'd him to goe thither , and if hee should straggle away , the Justice can send Hu and Cry after him . 203. Two going in a stormy day together they ran to the hedge side to defend themselves from the weather , when presently it begun to thunder : whereupon sayes tother , I never pray but in time of thunder , & then I can say forty prayers that I forgot seven yeers agoe , for feare will quicken a dead mans wits . 204. One being to passe over a narrow bridge , and another meeting him halfe way : friend sayes he , it was ill done to meet me thus full but , you might have had the manners to have come after me , and met me behind . 205. One having his Candle gnaw'd every night by a Mouse : well sayes he , I will let my Candle burne every night , and then I shall be sure to save it from the Mice . 206. One telling how a dog flew upon him : sayes hee , the dog being ty'd in a chaine , came violently upon me , & so having a riding wand in my hand I strok him downe vvith my staffe , so that standing on his legs he lay panting on the ground ready to die . 207. One being to carry a couple of Rabbits up to a Gentlemans table , carried the legs forward , and being reprov'd for it by his Master : well sayes hee , I le carry them back againe , and it may bee they will come in againe with their heads forward and in better fashion ; for they are meat of a good carriage . 208. One having bought twelve Aples for a penny , laid them downe againe and said ; Pre●hee give me six Apples for a halfe-penny , for they are better ●hen twelve for a penny . 209. A Countrey Boy being brought to London young : where hee saw a Parret talking in a Cage he said : O where might one buy such a Cage for my mother , for they say shee will talke like a Parret . 210. One being to buy feathers by the pound ; fie on 't said hee , who would think that a pound of feathers should bee as heavy as a pound of lead . 211. One seeing a Turky brought to the table swore 't was the fairest beast that ere hee saw or tasted . 212. A Jack a Napes was ti'd on a Dogs back , and the Dog ranne away ; which an old woman seeing , cry'd out , well rid little young Gentleman . 213. One seeing in the Muses the great Horses rays'd , ask'd the Groome if that would not make a brave courser , hee stood so well on tiptoe . 214. One extolling an ancient Don newly slaine in the field ; another answered , no doubt he was a fine old man in his young dayes . 215. Two Butchers set their dogs a fighting , which one seeing cry'd out , the brinded dog will will prove himselfe the better man. 216. One refusing to eat Chees-cakes , was askt his reason , hee told thē he lov'd the flesh well , but was afraid of the bones . 217. One asking whence Lobsters were brought , his fellow repli'd , one might easily know their countrey by their coat , they are fetcht surely from the Red Sea. 218. One being ask'd what hee would give for a Sow and seven Pigs , nothing , quoth he , for the Sow , and lesse for the Pigs , if you 'l take that bring'um in . 219. One pretending to pull down a Tree , his neighbour told him his onely way to pull it downe , were to pulck it up by the roots . 220. One making love to a countrey woman , having first kickt her sow , she told him the Proverbe condemn'd him , love me , love my dog . 221. One asking which was the highest Steeple in England , his fellow said , Lincoln without doubt , onely Pauls was much higher . 222. One feeding heartily on his neighbours barley bread , ask'd him what ground that wheat grew on . 223. One asking his neighbor for a hunting Nag , hee told him if he meant to buy a good one he must stay till leap yeere . 224. One laying a wager on a Mares side , the owner bid him doubt not hee should win the money ; if his Horse lost the race , he would cut off his stones . 225. A Countrey Man hearing Pauls Organs , said London Fādlers made the best Musick . 226. One eating powderd Beefe , which was hot in the mouth , told his Hoast , that his Beasts nere dranke any thing but salt water . 227. One having a red Herring to breakefast , took a bit and went away ; for said he , I never eat fresh fish but I am sick after it . 228. One told his companion that Pancrage Church was the first Church in England , that 's true quoth he , for that 's the mother of all ; and Pauls the father . 229. One said Lent was the worst time in all the yeere , there were so many fridayes fell together . 230. One said there were two Shires in England that were most famous . It was Kent and Christendome . 231. A Scholler having Ink that lookt black and writ white , said sure 't was nothing but Blackamores sweat . 232. A young man askt a blind mans counsell how to chuse a wife , I le tell you quoth hee , let me but see her face . 233. One commended his Son for a good Scholler , and said hee could read any thing without book at ●irst sight . 234. A maid being chid for over-sleeping her selfe , told her Mistresse , she would lie awake al night , but she would tell her to a minute how many houres she slept . 235. Two Citizens met , and one said the red Cowes gave the sweetest milke , no sayes the other , give mee the Calfe with the white face . 236. A begging Souldier was relating his shipwracks , and said , in a fight both his Armes were cut off , and if hee had not by chance laid hands on the side he had beene drown'd . 237. Divers youths being jumping together , one protested , though he were now so unweldy , yet he once jump'd further then ere he did in his life . 238. One driking small All , which was very thin , ask'd his Hoast how deare Hopps were sold when that drink was brew'd . 239. One complain'd that hee dream'd continually , and yet knew how long his fellow advis'd him to lay his watch at his beds head . 240. A Genrleman bearing love to a young maid , her father charg'd him to forbeare the house , and told him the next time hee came in , hee would shut the doore against him . 241. Two walking together in the fields , were at length hem'd in by a great ditch , which when they perceived , quoth one of them we must goe back againe ; for this ditch is too big for us to jumpe over ; Nay , quoth the other , I protest I will jumpe over though I light just in the middle . 242. One going along the street in great hast with a pot in his hand , was called by a friend of his in the way , and intreated to stay and drinke with him ; to whom he replied , he could not possibly stay , in regard hee was going in great haste to fetch a pot of Ale to make a Sack Possit of . 243. One living in a Parish of London , espyed the Clearke of the same Parish passing by him , to whom hee said , O Clearke you are very jocund now you have bin at the buriall of your Sexton ; but ere it bee long hee shall doe as much for you . 244. One ( whoby habit seem'd to bee a Minister ) was riding along the high-way neere unto a Coale-kilne ; where out at that time there came a fellow very black , by reason of the smoakinesse of the place from whence hee came : The Minister , minded to make himselfe and his company merry , with a loude voyce called unto the fellow , and asked him what newes from Hell ? To whom hee replied , I know none but this ; The Divell wants a Chaplin , and if you make haste to Hell , I doubt not but you may have the place . 245. One being troubled with a scolding wife , O sayes he , if my wife would but scold patiently , wee should live as quietly as two Lions . 246. One meeting of a maide , sweetheart sayes hee , if you cannot affectt mee , pray let mee entreat your disfavour , for though I never come to visit you , yet I must needes come to see how you doe . 247. One being to admonish a a friend to become a good husband . O sayes hee , the losse of time is the greatest benefit in the world , and therefore follow the example of those that are to come . 248. A milkmaid was going over a stile , and so spild her milke : wherefore sayes shee , I h●● rather have lost twice as much milke if it had beene spil'd and never fallen on the ground . 249. An old man being told that hee should not sweare : well sayes he I will use to weare falling bands , for I never sweare but 't is in my choller . 250. One hearing a sowgelder wind his horne : would every Cuckold sayes hee had such an one , on that condition that I bought one . 251. A Capenter being askt why his wife scolded . The reason is sayes hee because my wives tongue hath got an Ague , and therefore it is now in a shaking fit . 252. One hearing a Fidler play very melodiously : fie upon 't sayes he , this Musick makes me melt into passion like butter in a great frost . 253. One that had beene beyond Sea , being askt what countrey he had beene in : why sayes he I have beene in a countrey that is so fruitful , that it flowes with Oat meale and puddings . 254. One being desirous to see the Lions : well sayes hee it is no wonder that I was drunke at the signe of the Lion , for a Lion is a terrible beast dead or alive . 255. One tying her shooe said : I would not bee ti'd alwayes to this , for 't is unfit the head should stoope to the foot . 256. One being to pay a reckoning : well sayes hee , doe you pay for all that 's come in , and then I 'le discharge the reckoning . 257. One being to give place to another at the table : friend sayes hee , I esteeme you for my chiefest guest , you shall sit at the upper end of the table , and I will sit in the middle right over against you . 258. One asking him what house hee came of : why sayes hee I came of as ancient a house as any in Covent Garden , and I was a Gentlemā before I was borne . 259. A Countrey fellow being askt if hee would come to dinner : I sayes hee , after you have made an end , I le come and dine as soone as you . 260. One being to ride a journey : well sayes he , I am to ride very farre to morrow , yet I 'le eat somewhat in the morning , for when my belly is full , I care not if I fast all day . 261. A Drunkard being laid drunke upon a bed ; desired them to take away the pillow that hee might lie higher with his head . 262. One being very cold : well sayes he I know the reason why I am so cold , for the wind is got into my belly , and I cannot be warme before I have let a — 263. A milke-maid was going over a stile and spilt her milke : well sayes she , I had rather have lost my maiden-head , for this milke I cannot recover , but I could have got that againe though I had lost it over and over . 264. An old serving-man having lost his money at Tables , said ; had I lost my money at Dice it would never have griev'd me . 265. A Skullion having washt his hands very white ; I marry quoth he this is somewhat like , but if I had washt my hands in Snow water , then they would have beene whiter . 266. Two being to fight : well sayes the one if you kill mee then pray commend me to my friends , but if I kill you , you may goe and doe your commendations your selfe . 267. One desiring to know how old the Moone was : another told him that the Moone was out of date , so that although she doe not rise untill morning , yet she will shine all night . 268. A man being to teach an untoward boy to go to plough ▪ sirrah sayes he , if you doe not learne by my destructions , I le take you from plough and se● you to serve hogges : for you are my Uncles son , and therefore nothing a kin unto me . 269. One in a Sermon was saying that Hanniball , that Noble Roman Captaine was wont to sleepe in his Armour to keepe himselfe awake . ⸫ FINIS . THE TWO LAST Centuries of Bulls , Iests and Lies . A Foolish woman seeing her Hen ( having sat her full time ) did not hatch her Egges , desired her next neighbour to tell her the reason of it , and withall how she should get them hatch'd , who told her that shee must put them in a Cuckolds cappe : whereupon shee went to a man she well knew to borrow his hat , not sticking to tell him the cause of her request , whereat hee being netled beate her soundly ; Notwithstanding this beating shee went to another , and another of her neighbours , by whom shee was likewise well swadled ; with which being madded she ranne home in a Pet , and swore she wonld have a Cuckold of her owne ere night , and be beholding to nere a raskall of them all . A lowd Lie. A Fellow swore that hee had seene a Viol-de-Gambo as bigge as an ordinary Church , and another demanding how it could be possibly play'd on , he said , he that own'd it made him a two handed Bow a furlong in length , and he & his wife drew it ore the strings , while twelve of his children ranne up the Frets , and stopt in as due time with their feete , as any man could with his fingers . Of a Fellow with a wide Mouth . A Fellow with a wide mouth complained at his Supper that hee could not hit it , to whom a pleasant companion that sate next him said , If you put your meate in any place betweene your eares you cannot misse it . A Lie. ONe made a relation of a Horse of his , who having been dead , and flea'd three dayes before , came to his parlour window and neigh'd ; wherevpon ( said hee ) I knowing well the neighing of the beast look't out and seeing it was he , and loving him dearely , caused presently twenty Weathers to be kil'd , and clapt them warme to his backe , and this Horse lived seven yeeres after , and yeelded me every yeere seven Tods of Wooll . Of one who thought to get anothers Sword by praising it . A Gentleman liking extremly anothers sword , thought by praising it to make it his own , beleeving that the other in civilitie would offer it him ; but he tooke his marke amisse ; for the other smelling his plot , told him hee should love his Sword the better while he liv'd because he lik'd it , and that in remembrance of him he would never part with it . A Lie. A Brother of the Whetstone swore that a Lady going a journey with foure Flanders Mares in her Coach , one of them chanced to fole on the high-way , and the Lady valuing the Mare at a high rate , caused the Fole to bee put in one of the Bootes of the Coach , and I , said he , knowing the Lady well , and encountring her on the way , lighted to salute her , and bowing to kisse her , the Fole clapt his head betweene hers and and mine , & lick'd my Nose , whereat I was extreamely danted , thinking indeed it had beene the Devill . Of a Puritan . A Puritan Minister inveighing against Pastimes and May-games , called the Towne May-pole , the forbidden Tree . A Lie. ONe swore hee swallowed a Pinne , and presently making a Crosse on his Ankle , pul'd it out there . Of two chollerieke Gamesters . TWo chollericke Brothers dwelling in the same house , and playing often at Tables ; one day amongst the rest fell at difference about a cast , and withall together by the eares ; but their mother reconciled , and swore them never to play more together ; or , if they did , not to speake one word , how angry soever they were : But after this oath taken they fell to play againe , and he who play'd with rhe white men being extreamely angry with the Dice , ( yet remembring his oath ) spake not a word , but threw one of his men into the fire , and called for a white crust in stead of it . Not long after , hee that play'd with the blacke men threw away one of them also , & called for a brown crust in stead of it . : Thus they continued play , and burning their men , till all the Table-men were turn'd to white bread and browne . A Lie. A Souldier protested that being in the Wars between the Russian and Polonian , there was in a great Frost a parley between the two Generals ; one standing on one side of a narrow river , and the other on the other . But , said he , the words were no sooner out of their mouthes but they were frozen , and conld not be heard till eleven dayes after that a Thaw came which dissolv'd them ; and made them audible to all . Of the Kings Evill . A Notable drunkard passing the street , and having his chaps muffled with a red cloth , was asked by a friend who met him what he ailed , to which he answered , that hee was almost starved , and therefore desired the other to have him to a Taverne , and there to bestow on him some wine , and meat ; promising to spend on him an angell the next weeke ; and the other demanding how he would come by an Angell : marry said he , I have a great swelling in my chops , & I hope it is the Kings Evill , and then the King will give me an Angell . A Lie. ONe vowed that on Salisbury-plaine hee started a Hare , and having a swift Horse under him , coursed her , & gave her twenty turnes , at length his Horse being weary , and hee vexed that hee could not tire her , threw his Hatte at her , which lighting just before her , she ran into , and turned over , and over in it so long that hee had leisure to light from his Horse and take her up . Of an old Man and a Boy . AN old Man bringing his Sonne to be Catechized against Easter , the Minister told him he thought he needed instruction as well as his Sonne ; saying withall that hee did not beleeve that he knew , ( as old as hee was ) who made him : and thereupon put that question to him , & the old Man answering nothing the Minister said ; It is a shame that at these yeeres you should bee ignorant of what concernes you so much , & your child knowes better then you . Marry I thinke so , replied the old man ; for hee is but newly made , and may well remember it , but fourescore yeeres are past since I was made . A Lie. A Dutch Admirall telling a lowd lie before the States , was seconded with a lowder by one of his Captaines ; who being rebuked by one of the States for broaching so notorious an untruth ( he answered ) I doe but my dutie in following my Admirall . Of a Gentlewoman who sung out of time , and tune . A Gentlewoman having a very bad voyce , and singing both out of time and tune , was told by one of her Auditors that shee sung most heavenly ; who being accused by a friend then present of grosse flattery , hee said , I spake most properly in saying shee sang most heavenly , since there is no time in heaven , nor in her singing . A Lie. A Notable Cheat , asked for Ashes , ten pounds a peck ; and being asked why hee sold them so deare , hee swore they were the Ashes of those Coles that burnt Saint Laurence . Of a Thiefe . A Thiefe being arraigned , and asked what hee said to his accusation , Marry replied he , it is a foule matter , and I desire to heare no more of it . The same Rogve swore hee would bind the Judge to the Peace , because he stood in feare of his life by his meanes . A Lie. A Notorious Liar said hee saw a Stone falling from Heaven , and that it was fifteene yeeres in comming downe , and that hee never slept all that while , and that hee could see as well in the night , as the day . Of a Fart . ONe beeing asked what of all things was the most merry , answered a Fart ; for that doth nothing but sing from its birth to its death . A Lie. A Faulkner affirmed with many oathes that he kil'd a hundred birds at one shoot , and all in the eye . Of a Three-penny-Ordinary . A Fellow being at a Three-penny-Ordinary , the servant brought him a very little peece of mutton in a great platter of pottage , which done , he went for Bread and Beere . At his returne hee found the man starke naked ; and wondring at it , ask't him the reason why hee stript himselfe in such cold wether : Marry replied he , if you had not come in as you did I had swomme to the Mutton ; for without swimming it is impossible ever to come at it . A Lie. ONe swallowed a Larkes Claw whole , and feeling a week after an extreame paine in one of his sides , and wondring what it should bee , hee swore he espied the Claw comming forth . Of a Woman in Labour . A Scholler lying in a Midwifes house , and seeing her on a time going out , asked her whither shee was going ; to whom shee answered that shee was going to a Womans Labour . She returning some two houres after , he asked her if the Woman was brought to bed , I or no , to which she answered no , then replied he , you come from the Labour in Vaine . A Lie. A Fellow swore by no small ones , that hee ran a Grayhound Bitch great with whelpe at a Hare ; who taking a hedge , and the Bitch making after her , shee lighted on a stake , which rent her belly up , and that the whelps that were in her wombe ranne after the Hare and kill'd her . I loved ( said he ) this Bitch so well that I made me a paire of Buskins of her skinne , which had the power to indue mee with such swiftnesse , that if at any time a Hare started in my presence , I could not rest till I caught her . Of a Glutton . A Glutton wished at a great Feast that hee had beene created a Cow rather then a man ; for a man , said hee , can eate but three or foure times a day at most ; whereas a Cow chewed her Cudde , and eate continually . The same beast wished that if hee went to Heaven when he died , he might be wound up by a Jack . A Lie. A Fisher-man affirmed , that he drew up an Eele in his Net as big as the Towne May-pole , and called his man to witnesse ; who said , it was hardly so bigge , but swore it was full as long . A Lie. A Traveller praising the Citie of Venice , and being questioned by one of the company concerning some particular places of that Citie , he said , truly Sir , I only passed through it Post , and the other objecting that no man could passe there by Horse , but that all men went by Bote : hee replied , that hee rid through it in a great frost when the Sea was frozen . A Lie. A Fowler maintained that hee kill'd three hundred Snipes at a shoot . A Lie. A Keeper swore hee shot off a Bucks right foot and left eare at a shoot , & beeing asked how hee could possibly doe it , he answered , that the Buck was lying , and scratching his left eare with his right foot when he shot him . Of an Ape Carrier . AN Ape Carrier before a great concourse of people asked his Ape what hee would doe for the King of England ? Whereat the Ape scipped : See , Gentlemen , said hee , How the poore dumbe thing leapeth for joy at the very Name of the English King. Hee then demanded what hee would doe for the Pope ? wherupon the Ape couched close , and grinned : You may see by this , noble spectators , said hee , that the ingenious beast is a good Protestant . He thought by this to catch his silly audience , but was caught himself , and soundly beaten . Of a Protestant , and a Papist . A Lare French Protestant : in birth and knowledge equally great , confuted whole swarmes of Monkes that came to convert him . They finding themselves too weake by Disputation , betooke them to corruption , and so by promotion made him a Convert . Not long after a Papist encountring a Protestant in the street , upbraided him thus . You see now Sir , the excellency and force of the Catholicke Religion , in that it is able to convince the most knowing , and eminent man on your side ; To which the other made this reply . Rather you may discerne by this the clearenesse of our Religion ; and how farre in value it surpasseth yours , in that you were faine to give boote . Of two Gentlemen , and an Hostesse . TWo Gentlemen being in a Taverne , bespake of the Hostesse a Legge of Porke against a prefixed day , and bade her powder it throughly . In obedience to their command shee spared no salt , and made it so briny , that it was able to fire a pallat of Ice : Well , the day being come , and the company met ; one of the Gentlemen longing to tast it cut a great slash , but the first bit was no sooner in his mouth , then hee spit it out againe , and threw the dish with the meat over his head , crying out with as loude a voyce as men doe fire : I willed the salt Bitch , said hee , to corne mee well a Legge of Porke , and she hath served in a limme of Lots wife . Of the Sunnes Eclipse . A Company of women beholding the Eclips of the Sun , thought verily the Moone and hee had beene together by the eares : whereupon some cried out , God blesse the Sunne , God blesse the Sun , for if the wicked Moone overcome him , wee shall bee in everlasting darkenesse , ô , said others trembling , it is to be feared she will have the better of him . Marry , answered others , wee pray Heaven shee may , and you are but unthankfull wretches to pray , & raile against the Female Star , to which in all your course you are so much beholding . No sooner had the Sunne recovered his wonted luster , but those of his party made haste to drink his health , some in the Grape , others the Barley hee had ripened for them . Those of the Moones faction , studied who should honour her most , some made oblation of Eggs to her in her owne shine , and others vowed to offer up to this horned Queene , hornes of their owne making . Of a loving Wife . DIscourse arising at a great feast of loving Wives , one there present made mentiō of one of the most affectionate he thought , that ever the Sunne looked upon . Of this so much predicated affection hee gave this evidence , that hee had heard her often sweare , when ever her husband rose out of bed before her , she vsed to conveigh her selfe into his warme place , so much shee loved the heat and impression his body left behind it . Tush , replied a merry fellow , This is an infallible signe she lov'd his roome better then his company . Of a loving couple . TWo antiēt friends meeting , fell into talke of a new married couple well knowne to them both , and one of them being their neighbor , the other demaunded of him how they agreed ; For said hee , it is buz'd abroad they jangl● often , of which I desire to be resolved . The other answered , it was as meere a slander as the Divell himselfe could forge ; in that since the first two that peopled the world , never any paire gave clearer demonstrations of a firme friendship . There can be , quoth he , no more apparent token of a mutuall dearnesse , then when two joy one joy , and grieve one griefe ; and that they doe . I will instance in this onely : If peradventure his occasions call him from home hee rejoyces , and she rejoyces ; and when he returnes backe againe , hee grieves , and she grieves . Of a Poet , and a Sculler . A Famous Poet , out of meere charitie tooke a house , on the Back-side , intending ; indeed , what hee could never comp●●●e , to civilize the Water-men . No man more able then he to deliver himselfe by Tongue , or Pen , yet hardly able to live . A hard case , when amongst the many who offer their service to Apollo , and the nine Muses , so few should by them be owned , and yet those few receive such hard bord-wages , and weare such beare Liveries . Well , this brave man standing a beggar at his owne doore a Scullar being to change his Fares money came to him , and ( after the manner of those ignorant men ) concluded what , indeed , he should have questioned . Sir , said he , you cannot give me a groat and a two pence for a sixe pence . What if I cannot you rogue ? replied the good man , and being netled , gave him a kick on the britch that set him halfe way to his boat . Another of his touching a Pigge . IT is a received opinion in London , especially on the Banck-side , that the Dogges line the Sowes . This companion proved it to be most true ; for his neighbours finding him beating a poore woman , first tooke him off , and then questioned what cause hee had so to vse her . A poxe on the damn'd whore , said he , she sold me a pigge that barked . A Jinne of his to catch Fiddles . BEing often troubled with unseasonable Fidlers that played at his window before day , at length hee devised a Jinne for them . Hee boored holes through halfe a dozen peeces of silver , and fastned them to a packthred ; and when these importunate rogues next came , hee opened his window , told them he was not well , and therefore could not endure any noyse ; yet thanked them for their good will , and said , Here my masters , drinke this Crowne for my sake ; then threw he downe the same money tied to the packthred , but no sooner did he heare it clink on the ground , but hee pull'd it up againe . Those Fidlers that first stoop't for it , were accused by the rest of theft ; so from bad words they proceeded to strōg blowes , and when day broke , to his extreame laughter , hee discovered the broken ribs of many slaughtered Fidles . Of a journy of his into the Countrey . HEe and his mate in wit , F. B. making a journey of pleasure into the Countrey , in the company of many their merry companions , and riding a slow pace , one amongst the rest made a motion to put their horses to a hand gallop , that they might come to their lodging in a good houre ; Pish , said F. B. Let us runne them ; what is a false gallop amongst halfe a dozen ? At length the two Poets riding on two horses that halted worse then any Verse , laid a wager of sixe pence a stumble , and twelve pence a fall , had judges deputed ; and at night hee was crowned as victorious that had escap't the most stumbles , and overcome the most falls . Of one whose Horse tired . A Pleasant Gentleman riding in post hast , and his Horse beginning to faile him , one that overtooke him ask't him from whence hee came , to whom hee answered , From Sidon ; hee then asked him whither hee went , hee replied , to Tyre . The conceit is so easie it needes no explaining . Of another whose Horse tired . A Gentleman riding post , and forcing his Horse beyond the ordinary post rate , at length hee was so farre spent , that hee could not budge one foote further : Well , said hee , I have rid post all this day , and now I stand post . Of a Gentleman , and a Carman . ALl Carmen are as arrant beasts as their horses , and deserve indeed no other imployment then to carry one another to Tyburne . One of these meeting a Gentleman in a narrow lane runne him up against a wall , and after exchange of bad language betwixt them , lasht him so , that the Gentleman when he came to his lodging , swore to his Host , he met a fellow that with his whip set him up , and made him spin like a top . Of a Player , and a Bearward . WIll Backsted the best Comedian , that ever trod on English Stage , drinking one day with Master Henshman , Master of the ●ame at the Paris Garden , provoked him so farre , that Hensman struck him box on the eare ; whereupon Will , who was onely tongue-valiant said , Well Pope Henshot , I will hee even with you another time Pope ; thou slave , replied he , why call'st thou me Pope ? I defie the Pope and all his workes . Why , answered Will , wilt thou deny that name ? do'st thou not send Bulls abroad every day . Of a Boy that saw a Dogge in a Wheele . A Poore Woman in the Countrey sent her Sonne to a Gentlemans house upon some errant or other . The loytering lad staid somewhat too long , whereat his mother being offended , beat him soundly at his returne . Execution ended , the boy told her if she had beene there shee would have stai'd as long as he , and she demanding the reason , hee said . O mother , it would have done your heart good to see how daintily a Dogge in a Wheele spinned rost meat . Of a ridiculous Fellow . A Ridiculous Fellow being laugh'd at by the whole company , told them that he had a certaine qualitie , which was to laugh at all them that laughed at him . Hast thou ? replied one of his companions ; then thou leadest the merriest life of any man in Christendome , implying that all the world laught at him . Of taking the Wall. TWo fellowes falling out in the street , they drew , & one wounded the other ; the people who came to part them , asked him that was hurt how they fell out ; to which hee replied that he knew not , having never seene the other in all his life . They then ask't the other how hee came to draw upon one hee never saw before and so consequently could not bee offended by him , to which hee answered , that the day before the others Boate tooke the wall of his on the Thames . Of a House and a Sellar . A Gentleman who was a good fellow , sent a man of his to take him a house in London . After the fellow had wandred long up and downe , at length hee red this bill on a doore , Here is to be let a house with a Dining roome , a Kitchin , sixteene Chambers , and a Sellar ready furnisht . Whereupon hee ranne to his Master , and told him that he had found a House for his turne , with a Sellar full of good liquor ; the Asse thinking that the word ( furnish● ) had not relation to the whole House , but to the Sellar onely . Of a witty Clearke . A witty Clearke to a Justice of Peace , that for a bribe used to helpe delinquents at a dead lift , speaking of two Justices ; one whereof was craftie & subtile , the other a Dunse said , hee had as much adoe to conceale a businesse from the one , as hee had to make the other understand it . Of a Spitter before a Justice . A Hainous Thiefe beeing brought before a Justice , all the time of his examination would not speake a word , but hawk'd , and spit extreamely ; whereupon the Justice call'd him unmannerly knave , and askt him why he spit so much ; to which hee thus answered , I am endeavouring to cleare my selfe . Of a Tailor and a Horse . A Tailour bought a large Horse of a Gentleman for seven poūds to be paid at three moneths end , and in the meane time hee altered a sute for the Gentleman , which in his esteeme could not amount to above forty shillings . When they came to reckon , the Tailour brought him a bill of seven pounds ; whereat the Gentleman being amazed said , I firmly beleeve that it is impossible for a Cammell to goe through the eye of a needle , yet my horse being almost as bigge as a Cammell , is gone quite through . Of Evill in Good. Two subtile disputers decided this questiō , whether or no there be any evill in good , an old fellow sitting by , as moderatour , said , that hee would maintaine that evill mought bee in good ; and to prove it by demonstration shewed them an impostum'd legge in a new stocking . Of a Jakesfarmer . A Jakes-farmer passing the streetes of London at his usuall time of night two , or three Citizens passing by him stopped thei● noses , and cryed faugh , whereat be being much offended , cursed them , saying ; A murren on you for a company of coxcombes , if you would stop your Arses , you need not at all stop your Noses . Of a Child , and a fat Man. A Verry fat Man walking abroad , a little Child espi'd him , and wondring at him , ran into his mother , and said , O Mother had you beene with me you should have seene the strangest sight ! There was a man passed by with two Arses , one before & another behinde . Of Bankes , and his Horse . BAnkes being at Orleance in France , and making his famous Horse do tricks , which to the French seemed so strang● , & wonderfull that they thought they could not be done without the helpe of the Divell , The Monkes and Friars caused him to be apprehended , & brought him before the Magistrate , and accused him to be a Witch , or a Conjurer ; Whereupon Banks desired them he might send for his Horse , and then he would give them a plaine demonstration that hee was no Divell .. They granted his request , and when the Horse was come , hee entreated one of them to hold up his Crucifixe before the Horse ; which hee no sooner did but the Horse kneeled downe before it , whereat they greatly marvelled , and saying , the Beast was inspired ; dismissed Banks not without money , and great commendations . Of two men stunge with Gnats . TWo men lying together in a Moone-shine might , they were both so extreamely stung with Gnats that they could not take their rest : Yet at length one of them of a tougher skinne then the other fell asleepe . The other lying still awake , and being still tormented , bethought himselfe how hee might secure his face from the Gnats ; At length he remembred hee had beene a Whisler in a Ma●● the Christmas before , and that hee had a Vizard in his Trunke . Hee therefore rose , put it on , and presently fell asleepe . His bed-fellow rising to make water , and beholding such a face in bed with him , ran toward the Chamber doore , and cried out , The Divell ; the other awakened with the noise , and hearing him name the Divell , ( forgetting hee had his Vizard on ) made after him , & both leaping downe the staires , lay at the bottome of them well bruised , and bewrayed till morning . Of a Merry Fellow . A Merry Fellow being in the company of many Ladies , and Gentlewomen happened to let a fart , whereat they all laughed extreamely , thinking to put him out of countenance , but he nothing at all abash't said , Intruth Ladies , I had thought a poore mans Taile would not have beene heard amongst you . Of one who ●●rswore being bound . A Gentleman having sworn on the Bible to his wife never to bee bound for any man more ; a friend of his came to intreat him to stand bound with him for fiftie pound , which he denied to do , alleadging his oath ; yet seeing the other depart discontēted whom he dearely loved , he called him backe , and said ; I have found a way to save my oath : I will be the principall , and thou shalt be bound with me . Of a Gentleman and a Pandar . A Noble Gentleman being abused by a base panderly fellow , did presently upon the place beat him well-favourdly . Whereuppon the braggadochya the next day sent his boy to him , to certifie him that his Master stai'd for him with his sword in St. G●●●ges fields ; Whereunto the other thus answered , I pray thee thee tell thy Master I doe not mean● to bee so familiar with him , intimating the disparitie betweene a Gentleman a and Rascall . Of a Drunkards eyes . A Drunkard having lost one of his eyes with drinking , was warned by his Physition to leave off tipling , least hee lost the other also ; to whom he thus replied , I care not if I doe , for I have seene enough , but I have not drunke enough . Of a ●pend all in drinke . A Gentleman ( if so ignoble a beast deserve so noble a name ) having spent a revenue of a thousand Per annum in quassing , happened to walke through a Market Towne of the same County where hee lived . A certaine fellow that well knew him said to his companion , seest thou that man , he hath spent a thousand pound Per annum in drinke . The Drunkard overhearing him replied ; yes that I have , and for all that am adrie yet . Of one who lost his nose with the French Pox. THe Pox having eaten a fellowes nose quite off , the scab forsaking that part , had an ambition to take the circumference of his face , and beginning at one eare , went round by his chin till it reached the other . A simple fellow espying it , and taking it for a Ring-worme , said to his companion . Didst thou ever see a Ring-worme runne about so ? to which the other answered , thou art a foole , it must needs goe about when the bridge is broken downe . Of another nose lost with the same Pox. ONe having lost his nose by the Pox was warned by his Chyrurgeon to venture no further , least at last the contagion reached his braine . Tut replied he , you counsell me in vaine ; thinke you I will give ore a looser ? Of Peters being at Rome . LIttle Captaine Norris hearing a Divine at a Lords Table maintaine that Peter was never at Rome , replied with an oath that hee lied ; for hee had heard Peter himselfe say that he had beene there , meaning one Captaine Peter . Of the same Captaine Norris . THis Captaine being of a dwarfish stature , rid out one day alone to discover the enemy . My Lord of Essex his Generall hearing of it , and knowing the rashnesse and indiscretion of the man , said to the standers by . The enemy will take this Urchion , and crampe him till hee confesse all the secrets of our Army ; wherefore halfe a dozen of you ride severall wayes , that you may finde , and fetch him in . They obeyed , and after a long search one of them found him , and told the manner how . My Lord , said he ; after a tedious enquiry after him , I lighted on a shepheard , who told mee hee saw no man passe that way , but that a horse an houre before went by with a Hart at the saddle pummell , by which relation I knew it was litle Norris , and riding after him brought him back . Of an Annuitie given to the same Captaine , by Sir Edward Norris . SIr Edward Norris pittying this litle Captaines low estate gave him an Annuitie of fortie pounds per annum , and bound land for the payment of it . The Lawyer read the Indenture to the little Captaine ; where it was specified that the exhibition was to be pai'd him by twenty pound every halfe yeere , to wit , at the Feast of our Lady , and the Feast of Saint Michael . Whereat the Captaine incensed , as having received an injury , snatched the writing out of the Counsellours hand , and tore it , and call'd Sir Edward Norris all to nought . The Lawyer demanding a reason of his anger , he thus replied . Have you no body to make a foole but of me ? Thinke you a Souldier can make two feasts with fortie pounds . The Lawyer could not win him to accept of the Annuitie till hee had blotted out the Word Feast . Of a short Cloake . A Gentleman walking in Saint Pauls with a short Cloake that scarce reached to the skirts of his Dublet , a pleasant fellow came to him , and said , Sir you forgot to day to put on your Bases . Of no Lawyer is Heaven . THe Spaniards have a tale of a fellow who knockt at Heaven gates , and demanded entrance , which being deni'd him by Saint Peter ; he then besought him he might have a Certificate that hee had beene there like a good Christian to demand entrance . Saint Peter told him hee should have one presently . But after a long stay the Saint returned , and told him he must goe back without one ; for hee had beene cleane through Heaven to seeke a Lawyer to make him a Certificate , but could not find one . Of a fellow who gave his eldest Sonne to the Divell . AN old fellow beeing to sweare in a cause , the Judge bad him beware hee forswore not himselfe , and told him the penalty of Perjury in plaine termes , not sticking to tell him that the Divell would have him if hee forswore himselfe . To which the aged man answered that he had given the Divell his eldest Sonne already , and he hoped he would content himselfe with him . The Judge bidding him explaine himselfe more clearely , he sticked not to say that he had made his eldest Sonne a Lawyer , and that hee thought all of that profession went to the Divell . Of a foolish Constable . A Constable commaunding two Gentlemen that past by his Watch at an unlawfull time of night to come before him , hee askt them whence they came , to which one of them replied that hee was an Asse ; O , said he , speaking to his Watch , are women or Christians ? was ever the like heard of , that the Kings Substitute should be cal'd Asse ? Beadle carry him away to the Counter . The Beadle departing with the Gentleman , his friend left behind told the Constable he had best be advised what he did , for he whom he had sent to prison was the Duke of Buckingams kins-man . Whereat being amaz'd , and afraid , commanded a Watchman to fetch the Gentleman backe , who being returned , he ask't if he were a kin to the Duke , to which hee answered affirmative . I pray you said the Constable , how neare a kin are you ? I am replied the Gentleman , cousin German quite removed . Are you indeed , said the Constable ? I would not for a world have committed you , and I pray you to pardon my rashnesse . Of a posie for a Ring . A Gentlewomā whose name was Grace , desired a Poet her sweet-heart to make her a Latin posie for a Ring , who instantly presented her with this . Cupio iuire Gratiam . The conceit in Latin is excellent , but cannot be Englisht . Of a posie for a Ring . A Fellow who was to marry a very hansome Wench , came to a Schollar , and earnestly entreated him to give him a posie for a Wedding Ring . The Schollar knowing his wife to be a very wanton , gave him for a posie the sixt Commandement , Thou shalt not commit Adultery . Of one that called the Pope Antichrist . A Distracted Schismaticall fellow comming to Rome , and seeing the Pope , ride in pompe , cried out to him , Thou art the Antichrist ; for which incivillitie hee was forth with carried to the house of Inquisition , and the next day was conveighed thence to bee burnt as an Heretick . When he came to the stake , and saw the combustible stuffe prepared to burne him , hee ask't his Ghostly Father who endeavoured his conversion , whether or no , it were not yet too late to make his retractation ; who answered , that the Popes mercy had no limits , and offered ( in case he was serious ) to make a triall of the power hee had with his Holinesse . The Delinquent accepted of his curteous offer , and presently the Friar departed , and not long after returned with his conditionary pardon . Hee no sooner arrived , but the offender made a publick recantation with great submission ; whereat the Friar much wondring , ask't why he did not retract his damnable opinions before ? which had hee done , he had saved himselfe from that publick disgrace . To this he repli'd , that he was resolv'd to die till he saw the fire , which much terrified him ; for said hee , I came into the world a poore rawe thing , and would be loath to goe out r●sted . Of a Woman and her Daughters ▪ ugly alike . A Merry companion passing under a windowe , by chance look't up , and espied three or foure ugly Women looking out , and he presently made an inquiry who they were , and was told that they were one Mistresse Fowler , and her Daughters , whereat hee laughing said ; their names are well fitted to their persons , they having degrees of deformitie ; for there are amongst them , fowler , and fowler , and fowler . Of Knights o th' Post . A Country Clown complaining to one that his witnesses were not come up to the Terme ; a stander by told him , that he might find in the Temple Church Knights of the Post , who for money would sweare any thing . Hee having hired two of these , and brought them into an open Court , the Judge asked him if hee had brought good witnesses ; yes that I have , replied the simple fellow ; for they are both Knights , which his false witnesses no sooner heard , but they tooke a faire paire of heeles ; whereat hee ror'd out like a Bull , and the Iudge commiserating his case and simplicitie , gave him further time to bring in his witnesses . Of a Formall Fellow . A Formall fellow , being a profest lover of propriety of speech , was asked by one how old he was ; to whom hee answered : I am three and three score ; and why , said the other , say you not threescore and three ; because , said he , I was three before I was threescore . Of a Traveller . A Gentleman told his sonne he would send him to travell , to the end hee might understand himselfe . The sonne in obedience to his command tooke his voyage ; but returned farre sooner then his Father intended hee should have done . His Father demanding the reason of his so sudden returne , he answered him thus . Sir , you sent me abroad onely to understand my selfe , and that I already doe ; for I never understood any body else , since my departure ; meaning that hee had not learnt one word of any forreigne language . Of a witty Wench and her Lover . A Yong Gentleman loved a beautifull , and witty Gentlewoman , but could not obtaine her Parents consent . Whereupon hee being discontented went to travel , and from Venice wrote his Mistresse a petionary letter , that in requitall of his so constant love , shee would vouchsafe to live yet seven yeeres unmarried . To which earnest request of his shee answered , that shee must needes grant any petition comming from such a Suter ; but withall intreated him to beleeve that if she maried sooner ; nay , within a yeere , it must beimputed , to his absence , which made one yeere seeme to her as long as seven . Of laying ods . TWo Gamsters contesting about a cast , one of thē in great earnestnes told the other he would lay his head against a calves head on 't , to which the other replied , hee would not take that bet , but if he would lay him any ods he would hold him . Of a blind fellow playing upon a wheeled Cymball . CErtaine Gentlemen being earnest at play in their In at Saint Albons , they heard a fellow playing on a Cymball in the yard , and asked one of their fellowes who had beene below who it was that made that noise , to which hee answered , that it was a blind fellow rosting Sellingers round Hee play'd indeed that Dance , and wound his hand about as men usually doe in the turning of a Spitte . Of a long Nose . STrada reports that a fellow liv'd in his time whose nose was so long that hee could not heare himselfe sneeze . Of a Gentleman , and a Shrieve of London . A Shrieve of London , who was a good fellow , and kept a brave table , invighted a Gentleman , to Supper . The ●entleman sent him many thankes by his man , & excused his not comming , alledging that the Shrieve used too much Maze with his meat , a Spice which of all other his Master lov'd not . The Shrieve being ingenious and apprehensive knew by this message that the Gentleman was in debt , and ( having first discharged his Catchpoles ) sent fot him , and feasted him royally . Of a Silenc'd Minister , who spake in the nose . ONe hearing a silenc'd Minister speake in the nose , askt his companion standing by the reason of it . Foole , said the other , how should he speake otherwise then in the nose , when the Bishoppe hath stopp'd his mouth ? Of a Puritans kneeeling to the Kings health . A Certaine Major at his table beganne the Kings health on his knee , on purpose to fetch a Puritan Alderman downe on his . The Puritan , contrary to all mens expectation pledg'd it on both knees , and the Major demāding the reason why he kneeled on both knees , he answered , that he kneeled on one in honour of the King , and on the other to aske God forgivenesse for so doing . Of a blind Man. DIvers Courtiers at Paris passing the new Bridge , espied a blind Man with the balls of his eyes so faire that they suspected hee was a counterfeit . A Duke amongst them , being basely borne , told them hee would make experiment of his truth , for said hee , if hee can see hee must needs know mee , he daily sitting here , and I daily passing by , and being a man of eminency . Whereupon hee went directly to the beggar , and pulled him by the nose , whereat the beggar roar'd out , and cal'd him bastardly rogve . My masters , said the Duke , he sees perfectly , he could nere have known mee so well else . But the man indeed was blind , and this onely a vicious speech often in his mouth . Of a Captaine and his Hostesse . AN oblivious Captaine resident in Debelen , having forsaken the Citie for feare of the Plague , a weeke after his being in the Countrey , remembred that hee had a hundred pound bagge under his beds-head . Whereupon in post hast he returnes back , and comming to his lodging findes , Lord have mercy on us , written on the doore . After he had knockt a while , his Landlady look't out , whom he asked for his Bagge . Noble Captaine , said she , I pray you stay a while for your bag , for the child is dead in the bed where the bagge lies . Tush , replied the Captaine , I care not if the child had died in the bag , and therefore throw it mee downe , which she accordingly did . Of one demanding the way . A Gentleman riding on the way , and seeing a man standing at his doore , asked him if he were in his ready way to South-hampton . The fellow asked whence hee came ; Pish , said the Gentleman , what is it to thee whence I come ; you say true , indeed , answered the fellow , it is nothing to mee whence you come , nor whither you would , & with that whipt in , and shut the doore upon the Gentleman , who else had curried his coat . Of an Vsurer . TWo Gentlemen walking abroad to take the aire , they espied an old Usurer a neighbour of theirs discending from a steepe mountain . When they approacht neare him , one of them askt him where he had beene , to whom he answered , that he had beene on the top of that hill to breath himselfe . The other ask't him why hee came downe ? Why said the Usurer would you haue had mee stay there still ? I marry would I , replied the other for thou wilt never come so neare heauen a-againe I will warrant thee . Of a Doctor of the Ciuill Law created at Orleans in FRANCE . THere is an universitie at Orleans in France where any man may proceed Doctor for mony though hee be vtterly void of learning . An ignorant German hauing invited ( as the custome is ) the Doctor of the Chaire , and the chiefe of the universitie to supper . The German being in his cups asked the Doctor of the Chaire if hee would take money to make his horse Doctor too ; to whom hee answered , yes , for , sayd he , I may make a horse Doctor as well as an Asse , intimating the German himselfe . Of a mad-Man . A Countrey man comming to London went to see Bedlam , where when he arriued he fell into discourse with a madd man , and amougst other questions demanded if he were married ? no replied the lunaticke I am not so mad yet . Of a fellow who had a shrew to his wife . THe spaniards haue a tale of two felows who came to Heaven gates to demand entrance vpon their first knock . S. Peter came to the doore and asked what they would have , to whom one of them answered that he desired entrance . Then S. Peter asked him if he had past Purgatory , to whom he answered no , but that he had a scolding wife who was to him a purgatory , nay Hell it selfe . Alas poore man said S. Peter . Enter in peace . The other that stood behinde , and heard all their discourse , thought with himselfe that now he knew the way hee would surely get in too . Wherfore he knockt , and when Saint Peter came , hee askt this fellow as he did the other , whither or no hee had past Purgatory , to whom the man answered negatiuely ; but withall affirmed that hee had beene husband to three wives , the arrantest scolds the world could produce . A way , thou idle fellow , repli'd Saint Peter , here is no place for fooles ; implying that hee should have taken warning by the first . Of the builder of Bedlam . SOme say the builder of Bedlam was a Lawyer , and gave out the reason of his so pious worke to bee , that as hee had gottē his estate by mad-men , so to mad men he would leaue it . Of a fellow three times imprisoned for naming his profession . A Maker of Globes , Scales , and other Mathematical instruments , told me that he had bin thrice committed by Constables for naming his profession . When the Constable cal'd him before him , and asked his profession , he answered truely , he was a Mathematition ; what , replied the Constable , doth hee mock mee ? carry him to prison . Of a Suter to a Widow . A Gentleman being a Suter to a Widow , and hauing never a man , every time hee went to her , hired one or other to wait on him , so that seldome the same man went with him twice . At length the Suter being to goe into the countrey , came to take his leave of his Mistresse ; after hee had kist her , she cal'd to his man , and askt him his name ; who answered it was John. Then John , said she , let me take my leave of thee too ; for happily I may see thy Master againe , but thee I shall never . A witty encounter betweene two . ONe complaining in a great assembly that he could not find a house or place to live in with a good prospect . One named Chambers standing by , said he could tell him of a house for his turne , but it was built of wood . The other asking him where it was , hee made answere , at Tiburne . True , replied the other , that were a fine house indeed , but it wants Chambers . Of a most significant word . ONe being askt what was become of such a man , made answere hee was conduc'd ; the other demanded what he meant by that ? he answered that he was hang'd : being demanded what was become of another , hee answered hee was conduc'd too . What said the other , is hee hang'd ; no repli'd he , he is drown'd . Being askt what was become of a third , he answered hee was conduc'd too . Whereupon the other much questioned him whether hee were hanged or drowned , to which hee answered ; neither , but that he was married . In truth said the other , this conduc'd is a very significant word that stand● in one place for hanging , in another for drowning , and in a third for matrimony . Of a Drunkard . A Gentleman beeing very drunke , came to suppe at a friends house , and told him he came a mile on purpose to sup with him , to whom the other answered ; that his obligation was infinite , in that he would vouchsafe to come to him before he was come to himselfe . Of an ugly Man , and a beautifull Woman . TWo Gentlemen standing together , a very beautifull Gentle-woman past by ; whereupon one of them said to the other ; There goes the handsomest Woman I ever saw . Shee overhearing him turned back , and seeing him to be an ugly fellow said , Sir , I would in way of requitall I could say as much by you ; to whom he answer'd , so you may , and lie as I did . Of the same Mouns●ere . HAving one arme shorter then another , hee commanded his Taylor to make him one sleeve shorter then the other , which hee accordingly did , for which hee beat him , saying to his servants standing by ; I bad this R●gve make me one sleeve shorter then another , and he hath made one longer then another . Of a one ey'd Fellow . A One ey'd Fellow being newly married , and being assured by a friend of his that his wife had catcht a cracke before hee had her , one day called her to account , and told her she came not to him so perfect as she ought , to which shee answered , neither did he come perfect to her , having but one eye , But I repli'd he , lost mine eye by mine enemy , and I , answered shee , lost my Maydenhead with my friend . Of a Musitian . DOctor Bull a fantasticall man being Reader of the Musicke Lecture in Gresham Colledge , and hearing in the night one cry out fire , with a lowd and shrill voice , ran out and brake his pate , and the people asking why hee did so , hee answered , because he cried out of tune . Of two Beggars . TWo Beggars after long space meeting by chance , one of them askt the other how his Nephew Jack did . Jack ? repli'ed he , the world is well mended with Jack since you saw him ; for hee hath gotten a staffe , and a 〈◊〉 , and begges for himselfe . How say you , said the other , I ever thought that boy would come to promotion . Of Lice . A Young Souldier complaining to an old , that he was much troubled with Lice , and that they bit him continually , the old blade said thus to him , we Souldiers have a present remedy for that ; for as soone as we feele a lo●●● bite , we instātly turne our shirts and then he hath a dayes march before hee can come to the skin againe . Of Lice . A Beggar boy be●oaning himselfe to his father , that hee was much tormented with Lice : the old man gave him this instruction . Sirra , said he , when you feele a Lowce sting , you must giue but one shrugge ; whereas you alwayes give two , the first of which layes him on his back , and the second casts him on his belly againe . Of loosing Eares . A Young resolute man sitting by others at play , asked an antient Gamster if hee should goe halfe with him at a double vie , at In and In ▪ to whom the other answered , No ; for said he , should I loose your money , you would have me by the eares : I had thought replied the young man you had none ; yes Sir , answered the old Cinquater , I have eares I thank God ; I would wish you then , said the other to make much of them for many an honester ●an goes without . Of two Roarers . TWo Roarers drinking together in a Taverne , one of them began his Lords health , whom the other hating ▪ he in a scornfull manner pledg'd it , and then began to the other a health to the Divell . Hee denying to pledge it , they fell together by the eares , and tho Host of the house came in and parting them ; demanded the cause , of the quarrell , and understanding it at large from them both , he told the Gentleman who refused to drinke to the Divell , that hee was in the fault , in that the other having pledg'd his Lords health , he afterwards refused to pledge his Lord and Masters . Of an ugly Woman . A Gentleman Faulkner calling at a Farmers doore for some Pidgeons , the man of the house past out by him with out speaking a word ; and presently his ugly wife came to the doore also , of whom ( having first demanded Pidgeons ) he askt if that were her husband who came out but a litle before : yes , answered she , for want of a better ; Hee is good enough for thee , repli'd the other , were he worse . Of a Constable . A Constable called one before him , and asked him whither he was going , to which the other replied that he could not tell . With which answere the Constable being offended bad his Watch carry him to prison . I marry , said the fellow , now I know whither I am going indeed . Of a Constable . A Constable examining a drunken Captaine what hee made out of his lodging so late , and receiving from him a contemptible answere , sent him away to prison . The Captaine intreated his guard to have him backe to the Constable , promising to give him a submissive satisfaction . Wherewith they being moved , carried him back to their Master ; whom hee no sooner saw , but pretending to whisper to him , hee tooke him by the eares ; and pulling his head close to him , bit of the end of his nose . For this uncivill fact being carried to Jayle , and the next day brought before the Justice , before whom the Constable shewed a huge red bottle nose full of whelkes . O cri'd the Captain to the Justice , It is punishment enough to have had that putrified nose in my mouth , & with that before them all lai'd up his stomack . Of a Souldier . A Gentleman on a certaine night told a friend of his that hee was to goe over with Mans-field , a Cornet to a troupe of Horse . The next night hee came to him againe , and told him hee was to goe the same voyage an Ancient of a Foote Company . Out upon 't said his friend , thou art a meere Carrier , sometimes on horsebacke , sometimes on foot . Of a begging Souldier . A Souldier followed a Gentleman , and demanded an Almes in this manner . Noble Sir , I beseech you to looke down upon the Image of God ; I am a Man as you are , a Souldier by profession , and have both given wonnds , and received them . To whom the Gentleman thus answered . I will give you nothing ; for you Souldiers have a custome to raile at those who deny you almes . The Souldier thus repli'd , It is not my custome , Noble Sir to doe so , Well said the Gentleman , I will trie you for once , and so went his way without giving him any thing ; with which bitter jest the Souldier being netled , reevil'd him abundantly . Of a short Memory . MAny good fellowes meeting in a Taverne to drinke and bee merry ; one of the company refused to pledge a health , swearing by no small ones that hee would leave off drinking , because it made him have a short memory ; whereat another laughed , and swore he would drinke on , in that it made him have a long Memory ; for said hee , since I plai'd the good fellow I am a yeare in remembring that which before I cal'd to mind presently . Of a Foole. A Naturall Foole who served a German Emperour was commanded by his Lord to give the Duke of Saxon his hand , which the Foole forthwith did , but gave him his left ; for which the Emperour rebuked him , and told him hee must give the Duke his right hand : O fie , said the Foole , that were a shamelesse thing indeed , to give a mightie Prince that hand which I wipe my britch with every day . Of a Fellow having two Wives . A Souldier in the Netherlands having a Wife , and Children , & being very poore , gave them the slip and went into Pollo●ia ; where it was his evill fortune in the street to kill the Majors sonne of the towne where hee was quarterd ; for which fact being condemned to die , A maid seeing him passe by her window to exe●ution , fell in love with him , and demanded him in marriage , and laid claime to the custome of the Countrey that way . The Major could not denie her , and the Delinquent loved his life , and his new spowse too well to confesse he had another wife else-where . Well , they lived a while very lovingly , and happily together ; but at length the Souldiers Conscience began to accuse him of the wrōg done his first Love : and hee stole away from his second without taking leave , and away back into his Countrey he hasteth . Shee dearely loving him had him in chase , and hearing still he was not far before her , arriv'd in the Low-Countreys not long after him : Where being come , she challenged him for her husband , and his first wife detaining him , they had a triall at Law whose he should be . The Lawyers who pleaded for his wife said , hee was hers during life , True , said the Advocats for the second , but that life was forfeit by Law , & now he is ours : The Judge being at a stand to which of them hee truly belonged , bad the Souldier take his choice . He looking on them with a loving eye , said hee would have both . The Judge answered , he was not able to maintaine them both , to which he thus replied . Sir , I alwayes keepe a maide , and they shall draw cuts who shall be my wife the first weeke , and she to whom the chance falls , shall have the other for her maid that weeke , and the other shall have her for her maid the next . Of a fellow in a Tempest . A Fellow and his Wife being at Sea , and a Tempest arising , the Master of the Ship commanded every man to cast over what he had heavy ; wherupon the Fellow threw over his wife , swearing that nothing in this world lay so heavy upon him . Of a red-headed Host , and his more red-headed Guest . A Guest with a head and a beard fire red , gave to a red-headed Hoste twenty Crownes to keepe , but hee redemanded them within halfe an houre after , whom the Host asked the reason of his so sudden a comming for his money againe ; to whom he answered , that his red head was the cause : Why said the Host , your head is redder then mine ; I marry , repli'd the other , that makes me judge of you by my selfe . Of a red-headed Chymney-Sweeper . A Red-headed Chymney-Sweeper having swept a Chymney from the very bottome to the top , thrust out his head into the open aire , which the people underneath espying , cri'd out , fire fire : mistaking , as easily they might , the one for the other . Of one in danger of arresting . A Gentleman passing thorough St. Nicholas shambles , his cloak by chance caught hold of a Butchers flesh-hooke , and he being in danger of Arest , thinking it was a Serjant that had him by the cloake , left it behind him , and ranne away as hard as he could drive . The more the people cryed to him to come backe , the faster still hee ranne , suspecting it to bee a meere tricke of polisie to catch him . An Epitaph upon on who died of the French-Poxe . HEre lies an old , and pockie Knave . Fit for a Dunghill , not a Grave . He did consist of Coughs , and Rhumes : Of all Diseases , all bad Fumes . His flesh , the Poxe , did surely wast it , ' Cause the Wormes , should never tast it . For 't was so leaprous , and so foule , That it infected , had a Soule ; A Soule that without question 't is , No body would have lodg'd ▪ but his : And now t' is gone , and God knowes whither , But God grant mine , may nere come thither . Of two Sects of Philosophers , the Hennists , and Eggists . A Merry companion used in all companies where hee came to mention of two Sects of Philosophers , the Hennists , and the Eggists ; the first of which held that the Hen was before the Egge , the latter , that the Egge was before the Hen. and I have heard him sweare that in all places he found more Eggists then Hennists . Of taking the Wall. TWo meeting in the street , one of them being fox't , bad the other give him the Wall , To whom the other thus repli'd ; I have not beene sober at this time of day these seven yeeres , wherefore it is a wonder you find mee so now : but to morrow , if you will meet me at the same houre I will bee as drunke as you are now , and then you shall not have the wall , but for this time I give it you . Of Baboones . TWo Baboones being to be seene at a house by Fleet-bridge , many resorted thither , and some laugh'd at their uglinesse , and the strange faces they made ; whom a woman there present not without great anger , sharply thus rebuk'd . Doe you well , thinke you to laugh at strangers , who understand not your language ? If you were in their countrey , you would take it for a great abuse if they should laugh at you . Of a Glutton . A Glutton being at a feast , and devouring more then all the other guests joyn'd together , one at the table marking his eager feeding , said to him ; Sir , you have , God be thanked , a very good stomack , and I make no doubt but where ere you live you pay dearly for your food , and to ease you of that charge , if it shall please you to goe home with mee , I will give your diet for your dunge . Of the Duke of Lerma . THe Duke of Lerma in Spaine used still in way of Magnificency and State , when he wash't before a meale , to give a Ring to him that held the Bason , and another to him that held the Ewre . One dinner amongst the rest , having on his finger a Diamond of great value , hee made this publicke proposition , that hee of that company who could make the saddest relation of his importunitie in love should have the Ring . Wherupon a Gentleman there present tooke him at his offer , & thus begā . May it pleas your Grace to uuderstand that I a long time served two Mistresses , a faire , & a foule , a sweet Lady , and forlorn despaire ; for she whom I infinitely loved , hated mee as much . At length being utterly uoid of all hope of comfort , I gave my selfe wholy over to sorrow and solitude , who delivered me to a violent Feavor , which ( as the Physitiās ) told my friend could not end but by my death , my cruell faire one loving mee ( though for some ends she had long conce●ld that soft passion ) and hearing to what weaknesse I was reduc't , came to visit mee , and smothering no longer her flame , professed how violently shee affected mee , and how sorry she was her coynesse had brought mee to that extremitie . No Cordiall could so revive my Spirits , neither Julip so allay my unnaturall heat , as did her mellifluous words . So that in a short time I recovered my strength ; when her father hearing of our love , and vowed to crosse it , lock't her up from my sight , but finding , that doe what hee could , wee privatly conveighed messages to one another , hee animated another sutor of hers to fight with me , knowing no hatred to equall that of a Rivall . To bee briefe , wee fought , and I kil'd him , and ( the Law against Duels being severely executed ) I fled my countrey , hoping in time my friends would procure my Pardon . And to make my misery compleat , in my absence the Father of my Mistresse , forced her by bitter usage to marry an old rotten Count his neighbour . Now if your Grace doe judge my calamitie can receive addition , and that my afflictions lay not claime to your Ring , as being the greatest humane nature can under-goe , you may bee pleased better to place it then on wtetched mee . Hee had no sooner ended his speech , but another thus began . Great Prince , I must begin my mournefull story where this Gentleman ends his . Hee receiving at once both a pardon for the murther , and a letter from his Mistresse to make hast into her imbraces , the Coūt her husbād being gone a long journey , hee desired mee to associate him in this pleasing journey , and I willingly yeelded to his invitation ; At length wee arrived at the old Counts Castle , where his Mistresse met him with the same joy & gladnesse with which the Spring welcomes the Sunne . Long did their Kisses interrupt their speech , which at length brake out into unfained protestations how much their past miseries had endear'd each to other : When they had chatted their f●ll , to Supper wee went , which finish'd a banquet succeeded for varietie of tast , and lovelinesse of colour , second to none that ever ravisht the pallat or the eye . This ended , one comes in and rounds the Countesse in the eare ; whereat she changed colour , and cried out shee was undone for ever , unlesse I did her that friendly office , which should engage her to mee during life . To this I answered , I earnestly desir'd to receive that greatest Honour of dying in her service : whereupon shee told me that the old Count her husband was come home , and newly gone to bed , being very weary , & expected her cōming . Now Sir , said shee , so it stands with mee that I dare not trust any of my maides with a secret , because none of my house know of my servants being here but you and my fairest sister . May it please you therefore about an houre hence to put on one of my Coives , and one of my Smocks , and to go to bed to my husband , who I beleeve will bee asleepe before you come ; if hee be not , all hee will doe to you will bee to stroke your cheekes , and kisse you ; for any other dalliance you need not feare him . Your Chin is smooth , and he will assuredly , not onely take you for a woman , but for mee . Thus shall I , and my deare servant owe the fruition of all loves delights to you alone . Well , I was not onely attentive , but obedient to her request , and into the supposed bed of the old Count I went , where I was no sooner laid but I heard him breath , and felt him stirre , and move towards mee , whereat ( my heart being oppressed with the feare of his loathsom touch ) I shrunke halfe out of the bed , and so lay all night . Towards morning I prepared to be gone , when on a suddaine my friend , and the Countesse came dancing into the chamber he in his shirt , and shee in her smocke , my sovle being at the instant divided betweene feare of being detected , and wonder at their daring , they came to the bed side , holding each of them a ●apour in their hand , & drawing the curtaines , shewed mee the lamentable errovr I had layen in all night , in taking her beautifull Sister ( the fairest of her sexe ) for the old Count her Husband . Truely worthy Prince , when with admiration I beheld her beauty ! and considered the losse of such an oppertunity , I could hardly refrain from laying violent hands on my selfe . For my friend , hee obtained the wished end , of love ; enjoying , but I was once unwittingly neare possession of all those sweets : which now are more , and more remote from mee , so that I must give my selfe wholy over into the Tyranny of restlesse desire , whose fierce flames will consume me to a cinder . His speech comming to a period , the Duke sayd , they both had deserved much , but the yong Lady the Counts sister should have the Ring , because she was so neare a good turne , and mist it . This sentence of his was applauded , not without laughter by al the company . Of a foolish Moun-siere . MOunsiere Vandosme of France desiring ( as generally all of that Nation doe ) to drinke his Wine coole , set his bottles in the bucket , and let them downe into the well , and comming some few houres after to draw them up , espied his image in the water , whereupon hee ran in for his sword , swearing that the Antipodes were drinking up his wine . Of the same Mounsiere . THE same Moun-siere bought him foure ambling horses to make his Coach goe easie . Of the same Moun-siere . HEe shewing one day to a Gentleman a friend of his a pure water running from a cock , the Gentleman askt him from whence that water came ; whereat he laughed extreamely ; and being demanded the reasō of his immoderate laughter , hee answered , This simple Gentleman asketh mee whence this water comes , though hee plainley sees it come out the hole of the cock . Of the same Mounsiere . HEe having new bread at his table , sent for his Baker , and beat him because hee bak'd him not stale bread . Of a Poet. A Learned Poet being ask'd what difference there was betweene a water Poet , and a land Poet , answered , the same difference there is betweene a Schollar , and a Sculler . Of Poets in generall . ONe complaining of the poverty of Poets , another of the company made this observation that whē K. James came once to stampe his peeces with the Lawrell , hee fell two shillings in the pound ; for before were the peeces of two and twenty shillings . Of Purgatory . THe Pope gave a Priest a silver bason , and indued it with this vertue that who ever dropt a French crowne into it , or to that vallue his friends soule should instantly upon the sound of it be delivered out of Purgatory . There was in the Towne where the Priest dwelt a madd deboist young fellow whose Uncle had left him very rich . To him this Priest came , and offer'd him that for a french crowne to free his Uncles soule from Purgatory . The young fellow said it was a resonable proposition , whereupon hee presently tooke out a crowne , and dropt it in his Bason , and withall asked the Priest if hee thought his Uncles soule was yet out of Purgatory , to whom the Priest answered , I uppon my life I dare warrant it freed , which words he had no sooner sayd , but the young man tooke up his mony againe , and put it in his pocket , wherat the Priest being much displeased , sayd , If you take your mony againe your Uncles soule will againe enter Purgatorie : Nay , answered the young fellow there is no feare of that , for if my Uncle bee as obstinate an old knave dead as hee was living , if he bee once out all the Divells in hell cannot get him in againe . Of an Offering at a Wedding . A Gentleman being invited to an offering , when hee came to the Bason , offered a peece , and put it up againe , to whom the Church-warden said ; Sir , you have given nothing ; neither will I , replied the Gentleman , for I was not invited to a Giving , but an Offering . Of one who in a short time get a great estate by seaven Wives . A Citizen of London being borne in Essex in the hundreds , a most unhealthfull place , yet not to him , because he was bred up there , married a rich wife and carried her thither ; who quickly there died . And finding this a speedy way to get an estate , married sixe more in the space of two yeeres , and buried them all there . Of a Hare . KIng James loving Hunting extreamely , went out in a great flood , though halfe despairing to finde an Hare ; 〈…〉 to him in post hast , and told him hee had found , whereat the Kin●●●ughed , and said , in my 〈◊〉 thou hast found a 〈◊〉 . Of Sallets . ONe asking at a Lords table , who first ▪ invented Sallets , another answer'd that Nabuchadnezar ( was the first ; for he having a long time beene a beast , and having ●ed on hearbes , when he came to be a man againe delighted still in the eating of Sallets , which was his former food . Of drinking with herbes . A Fellow was so accustomed to drinke Burnet , 〈◊〉 , and Burage in his Wine all the Summer , that when Winter came , when hee could procure no herbes , he could not drinke without putting a greene Ribben into the Glasse . Of drinking with an Orange peele . ONe was so used to drinke with an Orange peele squee'zd through a candle , that when hee could get none , hee used to take sneezing powder , and sneezed through the light . Of a new Papist . A Young Gentleman being newly turned Papist , being invited to Supper had the legge of a Woodcocke in his mouth , when on a sudden a scoffing fellow told him he did ill to eat flesh on that day , because it was Notinghame Faire eve . Hee having spit the peece of woodcock out of his mouth , thanked the other for his admonition , swearing he would not for a thousand pounds have eaten a bit of flesh that night . Of a Taylors Bill . A Taylor who worked to an Usurer , yet stood boūd to him for money , brought him an unreasonable Bill , for which he vow'd to be reveng'd . The Bond wherin the Taylour was bound ●● the Usurer being due , the Taylor came to entreate further day , and that hee might continue it upon the old Bond , to whom the Usurer said , Lord that you should entreat when you may command ; whereupon the Taylor departed well contented houlding his sute granted . But not long after hee heard that the Usurer had sued him to an out-lary , wherewith being much incensed hee came to the Usurer , and asked him why he had dealt so dishonestly by him , to whom he sayd , I did it onely to shew you the difference betweene a Taylors and a Lawyrs bill . Of loosing eares . ONe lying in prison ( judged to lose his eares ) was visited by certaine friends of his 3 or 4 daies before he was to suffer . The visitants fell into a dispute concerning the losse of eares one maintain'd that the excecutioner used to cutt the eare off by the root , the other affirmed that he used onely to cut off the tip , they grew so hot in this argumēt that they were like to fal together by the eares which the prisoner perceiving intreated them to be patient & told them he should bee able within a sevenight himselfe to resolve the doubt Of a Souldier . AN old Souldier lying very sicke , his Captaine loving him well commanded foure or five of his Company to wait on him , who knowing the sick man had alwaies twenty peeces about him in a privie pocket to burie him , being vexed he died not quickly ; agreed to coffin him , and to share his money . Hee being weake , and not able to resist , into the Coffin they put him , and away to Church they carry him , but by the way they met their Captaine ; who ask't them whom they carried : when the sicke fellow hearing his Captaines voice , cried out , Captaine , Captaine . The Captaine hearing a voice hee well knew come from the Coffin , he commaunded them to set it downe , and open it ; which they had no sooner done , but the sicke man said , Captaine , these rogues would have buried me quick for my money . Whereupon the Captaine lai'd them all by the heeles . Of a Welshman . A Welshman , and an Englishman were cracking whose countrey had the most fruitfull soile . The Englishman said there was a close in the Town where he was born , which bore so high grasse , that if a man threw a cudgell into it over-night , it would bee so hidden with grasse that hee should hardly find it the next day . Tush , said the Welshman , there is a close in the Towne where I was borne , into which if you put your horse overnight , you shal hardly find him in the morning . Of one who fear'd arresting . A Gentleman who fear'd arresting lay with a Tapster in a beere-sellar foure or five nights , whither he invited a friend of his , who 〈◊〉 him bitterly for lodging in so base a place , to which reprehension he thus answered , My Cr●ditors have vowed they will have me if I be above ground , which made me get me under ground , thinking my selfe here secure . Of three Vniversities . THe Orator to the Universitie of Cambridge in a publick Oration ( praising a great Lords learning ) said hee was a walking Academy ; and to this land a third Universitie . Wherupon a wagge of the same Colledge with the Orator made this . As there are three blue ●ea●e● in a blue bladder , As there are thrice three rounds in a long ladder , As there are three ●ookes in a corner cap , And three corners , and one in a map , Even so , like all these , there are three Vniversities . Of a Play. THe Vniversitie of Oxford at a great entertainment they made Queene Elizabeth presented her Majestie with a Comedy wherein were represented the foure Elemēts . It hapned that in acting , hee who play'd Fire was out ; wherupon he who acted Water cal'd to Aire , and said , Aire , helpe Fire ; for he is out . Of Frigiditie . A Modest Gentlewoman being compelled by her mother to accuse her husband of Frigiditie , making her appearance in the Court , desired the Judge shee might have the priviledge to write her minde , in that shame forbad her by Tongue to expresse some passa●●s shee was to deliver . The Judge having granted her request , A Clearke forthwith presented her with Pen , Inke , and Paper . Whereupon she tooke the Pen ( without dipping it in the Inke ) and made as if shee would write ; to whom the Clearke said , Mistresse , there is no Inke in your Pen. Sir , repli'd shee , that is my case just , and therefore I need explaine my selfe no further . Of 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 s●ipwrack . A foolish fellow who had never beene at Sea before , hapned to be in a g●●●● s●orme , in which having 〈◊〉 a long time , at length by the violence of the wind they were driven on sho●● 〈…〉 this fool ●●joyci●g 〈…〉 cou●rage , my Masters , I thanke God we are now on ground . Of a young Seaman . A Young Seaman being at Sea in rough weather , and being extreame sicke told the Master of the Ship wherein he pass'd that if hee would not hold the Ship still while hee spew'd he would not pay him a penny for his passage . Of 〈…〉 . SIr 〈…〉 came to a Widdowe● house in the Countrey to whom shee presented 〈…〉 and 〈…〉 Cup of the same Beere , and said , Sir , I dare not commend the Beere to you ; for , indeed , it is dead : to which Sir Josllin repli'd , it may very well be ; for it vvas very vveake when I was here last . Of a Disputation betweene a Protestant and a Papist . BE●● a learned Protestant disputing , by Henry the fo●rth● co●●and in a Church vvith a great Bishop concerning I●●ges , the Bishop , pointing to the Images in the windowes , said to him . Beza , Beza , these windowes dispute against thee , to which Beza 〈◊〉 , Great Sir , your argument brittle as the glasse , and soone broken . Of Healths . A Dutch Ambassador to a Protestant Prince of Germany passed through Geneva , and invited to Supper all the Professors of Learning , and the best of the towne . But above all hee applied himselfe to Beza , as being a man famous for his brave parts . Being set at Supper he began in a great guilt Bole of Wine ▪ a Health to his Prince , and chose Beza for his pledger ; who answered , hee would doe him reason . The Ambassador dranke all off , but when it came to Beza ▪ hee onely sipt , and set by the 〈◊〉 Wherat the Ambssador being incensed sayd , Sir , you vnder-vallue my Prince , and doe mee wrong , in that you promised to pledge me , which Beza denying why , sayd the Ambassador , did not you promise to doe me reason ? I did so , repli'd Beza , but there is a distinction , I see , to be made betweene your doing reason , and mine , for yours lies in the bottome , and mine in the brimme . Of one in a storme . A Master of a shippe being in danger of ship-wracke fell downe before the Image of our blessed Lady , and sayd , Oh holy Virgin , deliuer me safe out of this storme , and I will place a waxe candle before thy Alter shall be as bigge as the mast of my shippe . Well he landed safe , and many weekes passed , but in all that time he spake not a word of the candle , which his Boson observing , said Maister , where is the candle as bigge as the mast of your shipp , that you promised to place before our blessed Ladies Altar ? O , said the Master , the case is altered , I am on land , I will make her be content with a little one now . This verifies the Italian proverbe ; The evill being past , the Saint is despised . Of a Sea Captaine , and an Vsurer . A Sea Captaine desired to borrow mony of an Usurer , who ask't him whether he were a land or a Sea Captaine , to which hee answered that hee ever imploied himselfe in Sea-service . Whereupon the Usurer entreated to bee excused if hee lent him no money ; for you , quoth hee , who can confine your selfe a whole yeare to the narrow compasse of a ship , will think your selfe at liberty when you are in a large prison . Of two who went to see two playes . TWo Gentlemen went to see Pericles acted , and one of them was moved with the calamities of that Prince that he wept , whereat the other laughed extreamely , Not long after the same couple went to see the Major of Qinborough , when he who jeered the other at Pericles now wept himselfe , to whom the other laughing , sayd , what the Divell should there bee in this merry play to make a man weep . O , replied the other , who can hold from weeping to see a Magistrate so abused ? The Jest will take those who have seene these two plaies . Of houshold stuffe . I heard once on the Bank-side a fellow cry , houshold stuffe , Sixe pence a peck , Sixe pence a peck , whereat I marveiling , asked the Crier , what houshold stuffe it might be that was sould by the peck ? to which he replied they were broken iron of divers sorts , as Keyes , Snuffers , locks ; &c. Of a Gentleman Arrested . A Gentleman being arrested and carried to a Taverne , that he might send for Baile , he called for wine and sugar , and having drunke three or foure glasses a peece , hee swore all the oaths of God that he had mingled mercury with the sugar , and that both he & they were poisoned . Wherwith they being frighted ran to the Apothecaries for an Antidote , while this lying cheat escaped . Of two Brothers . TWo Brothers of the Ins of Court had spent and paun'd so long that they had but one ●ute betweene them , so that they went abroad by ●ur●s Their father comming to town came about three in the afternoone to their chamber , and finding one of them a bed lash't him well favoredly with his wand , and bade him rise , but he lay still , wherat his father wondring ask't him why he did not rise , to whom he answered that if hee did rise his Brother must come to bedd ; for they had but one sute betweene them , at which replie of his the Father chafed and laughed by fits . Of a octour that disputed by Signes . A Certaine Emperour having condemned one of the Priuces of his bloud to die for Treason , yet set out a proclamation that if any man could be found who within a month could dispute with a Doctor of his by signes , so that the said Doctour could discouer his meaning that then the condemned Prince should bee acquitted . A poore foolish Groome of this distressed Prince , undertooke the taske , and being brought into the presēce of the Emperor , & his nobles he called for this famous Doctor ; who no sooner appeared but he held forth to this sot one finger , the foole held vp two to him , and hee againe three to the foole , then the fool shut his fist , wherat the Doctor amaz'd told the Emporor he had met at length with the onely learned man of the world ▪ for ▪ said he , I held vpone finger , which signified God the Father , then hee held vp two which Signified GOD the Father , and GOD the Sonne , then I held vp three to signifie GOD the Father , GOD the Son , and GOD the holy Ghost , at which he shut his fist , as much as to say , they are alone . When the foole came back to his Lord hee was asked by him in private his interpretation of the signes , to whom he thus answered . The whoresonne Doctor made one horne at me ; I made two at him , then he made three at mee , at which I knit my fist ; for if hee had made another at mee I would have taken him such a sowce that I would have made his head ring noone . Of two Drunkards . A Fellow being so drunke that hee was faine to bee carried on mens shoulders by chance espi'd two leading home another Drunkard , when bursting out into a great passion , hee said , O Jesus , is it not a shame , that men should bee so Drunke as to bee led : the beast not knowing that he himselfe was carried .