Coffee-house jests. Refined and enlarged. By the author of the Oxford jests. The fourth edition, with large additions. This may be re-printed, Feb. 25. 1685. R.P. Hickes, William, fl. 1671. 1686 Approx. 265 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 105 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2009-10 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A43690 Wing H1885 ESTC R216840 99828556 99828556 32985 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A43690) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 32985) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 1867:10) Coffee-house jests. Refined and enlarged. By the author of the Oxford jests. The fourth edition, with large additions. This may be re-printed, Feb. 25. 1685. R.P. Hickes, William, fl. 1671. 204 p. : ill. printed for Hen. Rhodes, next door to the Swan-Tavern, near Bride-Lane in Fleet street, London : 1686. The author of "the Oxford jests" = William Hickes. Frontis = ill. At head of frontis.: Coffee house jests; At foot: printed for Henry Rodes near Bride lane in Fleetstreet. Reproduction of the original in the British Library. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. 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By the Author of the OXFORD JESTS . The Fourth Edition , with Large Additions . This may be Re-printed , Feb. 25. 1685. R. P. LONDON , Printed for Hen. Rhodes , next door to the Swan-Tavern , near Bride-Lane in Fleet street , 1686. coffee house scene COFFEE HOUSE JESTS Printed for Henry Rodes near Bride lane in Fleetstr●… Coffee-House JESTS . 1. A Lusty Widdower in York-shire , came to Woo a Rich Widow in Sommersetshire : and being at her House , she led him out in the Afternoon to shew him what fine conveniences she had about her ; and first shewed him her Garden : saying , Have you seen Sir , such large Cabbages as these any where ? He told her , they were indeed large Cabbages , for this Country , but his Cabbages were so large , that they would shelter a Teem of Horses ●nder 'em , all a whole Winters Night ; which made her wonder : Then she shewed him the Dairy , and therein some Cheeses ; saying , They were accounted the largest Cheeses in England : Yes , says he , They are I confess large Cheeses for this Country , but mine are so big in York-shire , that my Dairy Maid is forc'd to call the Men to turn them with Levers every Morning : This made her wonder the more . Then she shewed him her House , saying , Is it not very high ? for 't is accounted the highest House in all our Country , Yes , says he , 'T is a high House for this Country ; for mine is so high in York-shire , that if a Man goes but up to the upper Room , and he does not take a six-penny Loaf with him , he 'll be starved before he comes down : The good well-meaning Woman had a mind to believe some part of it , because she saw him a handsome and personable Man , and had a Months mind to him . So in the Morning before the Master was up , she takes out his Servant , and shews him the Garden and her good Cabbages there and askt him , If they were not very large ones ? Yes , indeed are they Mistress , says he but says she , Thy Master says , his are so big , that they will keep a Teem of Horses dry a whole Winters Night though it rain all the while : Truly forsooth Mistress , says he , I seldom come into the Garden ; but this I can tell you o● my Masters Cabbages , that he makes Wine-mill Posts of the Stalks of them ; then she began to simper at this , and thought the rest might be true : Yet still she doubted . Then she shewed him the Dairy , asking him , Whether these were not very large Cheeses ? Yes by my faith , says he , Forsooth Mistress , they are very large Cheeses indeed : but says she , Your Master says , That his Cheeses are so big in his Dairy in York-shire , that men turn them every Morning with Levers : Truly forsooth , says he , I seldom come into the Dairy ; but this I can say , that the Whey of one of his Cheeses will drive a Mill for two hours together : Then she bid him look upon the heighth of her House , and askt him , Whether it was not very high ? Yes says he , 't is extreamly high , Yet says she , Your Master says , That his House is so high , that if a go up to the Top , although he have a six-penny Loaf in his Hand , yet he 'll be starved before he comes down again : Truly forsooth , says he , I know nothing of that ; but this I can say , that when I am in the upper Room of his House , that I can hear a Noise in another World : Nay , then says the Woman , I find all is true , that thy Master says , and am resolved to make it a match : and Married they were the Tuesday seven-night after : but I know nothing on 't . 2. A Maid once was making of Black-pudings , and her Dame told her , That the Stuff lookt dry , there was not Blood enough in it : Truly Dame , says she , I think there is Blood enough for my nose has bled this half hour , and all dropt into the Bowl . I would they were in your Guts , says her Dame. Truly , says the Maid , so I intend they shall be when they are boyled . 3. The Wench above-said , had a very large Tripe to wash and cleanse , as she was washing it , her dame told her , she must use some hot Water about it : then she pretty heart pist upon it very plentifully , and rubb'd it in with great care : says her Dame , I bid you use some hot Water about it . So I did , says she , all that I could make , for I can do no more than I can . 4. A Trooper in a Fight had fixt a pair of Rams-horns in a thick Leather Cap , very artificially , to secure his Head instead of a Head-piece in the Fight : Which another Souldiers Wife hearing of , said , If that secured the other Souldier so well , being only Artificial , what will mine do Neighbour , which are truly Natural on my dear Husband's Head ? And now I find what was preserved him in all the Fight , for he never was Wounded in the Head at all . 5. One coming into New-Market to buy some Butter , and there cheapned some ; and the Woman askt 10 d. a pound : then he smelt to it ; What , says she , do you smell to it , in seems you do not like my Butter : Yes says he but 't is no better then it should be : Then you 'll buy none , says she : No , says he , for a reason best known to my self . Then she askt him the Reason ; and with much importunity he told her , 't was because he had no Money : Well then , says the Woman , take it for nothing , so you 'll pay me for it next time you come . 6. A Falconer being a Hawking in the Country , by chance came to a little Ale-house standing alone in a Wood ; and being a Horse-back , knock't at the door , upon which a little Girl came out ; then says he to her , I pray Virgin do me the Kindness as to fetch me a Coal of Fire to light my Tobacco ; then she ran into her Mother , and told her that he call'd her Virgin ; out comes the Mother in a great Fury and told him : He was a Rogue to call her Daughter Virgin , she 'd have him to know , she kept no such Creatures in her House , for though she was Poor , she kept an Honest House , and shut the door upon him , and told him , he should have no Fire there . 7. A Citizens Wife was telling one that she had been in the Country , and saw how Wheat , Rie , B●●ley , and Oats grew ; but she could never tell how Malt grew : Why truly Neighbour , says t'other , the Women in the Country do spin the Malt altogether : My troth , says she , I believe so too , for I see the threds hang out at the ends of it . 8. A Gentleman coming drunk to Bed over-night , in the morning he could not find his Breeches , then he knock'd for the Chamberlain : Sir , says he , if you are sure you brought them in with you , you had best search your Pockets for them , for you lost all your Money last Night out of your Pockets , it may be your Breeches are got in there . 9. Pride and Hewson , Two Oliverian Collonels , the first a Dray-man and t'other a-Cobler , being met together , they must needs to Joking one with the other , then Pride told him he saw a piece of Coblers Wax stick on his Scarlet Cloak : puh , says Hewson , a handful of Brewers Grains will scoure it off presently . 10. It hapned that Oliver was coming from Hampton-Court in a very rainy day in his Coach , which was very full , and Hugh Peters was a Horseback riding by : then Oliver out of pure kindness would have lent him a Coat to keep him from the Rain , but he refused it , and bid the man tell his Master , That he would not be in his Coat for a Thousand pound . 11. A Country Fellow coming to Oxford Market , cheapned some Apples of an Apple-woman there , and she told him , Six a Penny : which he thought unreasonable , and thereupon call'd her the Son of a Whore ; then she told him . He was a Rogue to call her the Son of a Whore , for her Mother was as honest a Womans Child , as any was in the Parish where she lived . 12. Some being merry together , among other discourse , one said , A bushel of March dust is worth a Kings Ransom , but says another ; What is a hogshead of March Beer worth then ? For that comforts the Spirits , and t'other spoils the Eyes ? 13. Some Gentlemen were sitting at a Coffee-house together , one was asking what News there was ? T'other told him , There was forty thousand Men , rose to day , which made them all stare about , and asked him to what end they rose , and what they did intend ? Why faith , says he , only to go to bed at Night again . 14. A Country Fellow being before the Justices upon his Oath at the Sessions , was ask'd the cause of the two mens falling out : He said , my Lord , you are a Rogue . The Judge seeing the People begining to laugh , bad him speak to the Jury , for there were twelve of them . 15. One bid a Maid to go and kiss such a Gentleman : No faith , says she , I beg your pardon , for that , for I won't go to Market for such Ware , which I can have brought home to my door without any trouble with vantage too . 16. A Girl that had a months mind to be Marryed , and on the Wedding day at Night , says she ( to one of her Com●adet ) When I was to go to Bed , I unlac't , and lac't my self again , and pulled off my Shoes and Stockings , and put 'em on again : But when I was to go into Bed , said I , O lack a day ! must I lye with a strange man to Night : And when I was a Bed , I bethought my self how I should lye , for if I should turn my Face to him , he 'd think I was bold , and if I should turn my Breech to him , he 'd say I was unmannerly , therefore I was resolved to lye upon my Back , let come what would . 17. In the time of the Rump , Two Rump Parliament Men being in a pair of Oars , says one of them , You Watermen are Hypocrites : For you row one way and look another : O Sir , says one of them ( being a smart Fellow ) we have not plyed so long at Westminster , but we have learn't something of our Masters ( the Parliament that sit there ) that is to pretend one thing , and act another . 18. A Countrey Fellow brought a Letter to a Gentlemans house , but he not being at home , he left it with a Monkey that stood at the door ; the Gentleman hearing of it , when he met the man , was very angry with him : Sir , says he , And please your Worship I delivered it to your Son which was at the door . My Son , says he , 't was a Monkey : Truly Sir , says he , I thought it was your Son , it was so like you . 19. A Taylor having got an Old Doublet , to mend of an ancient decay'd Gentleman , they happened upon a very large Louse , which by chance he cut in two as he was ripping a place in the Doublet ; then he gave one half of the great Louse unto his Wife , and took the other himself , and they both eat it , and after that called themselves Gentleman and Gentlewoman ; their Journey-man seeing what they did , and hearing what they said , said he was a piece of a Gentleman too ; which made them ask the reason of it ? Why , says he , When you cut the Louse in two with the Sheers , and did eat it , I at that time lickt the Sheers that cut it . Ergo. 20. In the Rumps time , a Foot Souldier met at a Church in the Suburbs a Whore , who was very diligently taking Sermon-Notes , but that night he lay with her , and about a month after his Captain heard that she was catch't a Bed with two men by the Constable ; and he told the Souldier of it ; but he rapping out a great Oath , swore he did not think she had been a Whore though ; and yet he pretty heart had layn with her half a score nights before that , and therefore had good reason to wonder that one should think her a Whore. Probatum est . 21. An Arch Wagg put a great many Rams-horns in a Basket , and went up and down and cryed New Fruit , New Fruit , in the Winter time ; at last a Lawyer bid him let him see his Winter Fruit , which when he saw them , said , You Fool , who d' ye think will buy Horns ? O Sir , says he , though you are provided , yet I may meet with some that are not . 22. A man was advised of late to venture at the great Lottery in Morefields ; No , no , says he , there 's none but Cuckolds have any luck there ; at which his sweet and vertuous Wife being by , and hearing of it , said , My dear Husband , let me entreat you of all loves to venture there , for I 'm certain you 'll have good luck . But how he took it I can't tell . 23. One speaking of the burning of the Streets of London at the great Fire there , said , Cannon-street roar'd , Milk-street was burnt too ; Wood-street was burnt to Ashes ; Bread-street was burnt to a Coal ; Ironmonger-lane was burnt red hot ; Distaff-lane had spun a fine Thread ; Snow-hill was melted down ; Shoe-lane was burnt to boot ; Creed-lane would not believe it till it came ; and Pudding-lane , and Pye-Corner were over bak'd . 24. A Country-man coming to Town in the Rumps Time , and hearing of the great things they had done , would needs go to the Parliament-House to see them ; and being there said , Now Gods blessing on you all for you are a goodly Company , and have done wonderful things to the good of us all ; and that we may be further serviceable unto you , my Wife and I , and all my Children will work hard for you all ; for I see there 's a great number of you : not doubting but in a little time , you may have occasion to make use of me and my Trade : Then they ask't him what Trade he was , he told them a Rope-maker ; and presently slipt away among the Crowd . 25. A Man that had great store of Arable Land , did command a Boy of his to watch the Pidgeons , that they should not eat up the new sow'd Corn : The Boy went presently to the Pool , and there stood , which his Master seeing , Sirrah , did not I bid you watch the Pigeons , and do you stand loytering there ? Sir , says he , this is the best place for me to stand to watch the Pool , that is , not to suffer them to drink ; for if they don't drink , I 'm sure they can't eat . 26. A Welsh-man met another going up a Mountain with a large Pompion in his hand : he askt him what it was ? He told him it 't was a Mare 's Egg , and would have a Colt ; then he gave him a Groat for it , and carried it up the Hill ; and when he was come to the Top , by chance he let the Pompion fall , which tumbled apace down the Hill , till it came to a Bush where it stopt ; and by its beating the Bush , forc'd out a Hare from thence , which the Welsh-man seeing , thought 't was a Colt ; and cried as it ran , Stop her Colt , stop her Colt : yet for all that there went the Hare away , which made the poor Welsh-man for Grief to turn bald , in regard he had lost his Hare . 27. A Lord Mayor being once invited to the Temple to Dinner ; but finding his entertainment at his first coming not to answer his expectation , retired back without eating ; and at his coming out , a Gentleman met one of his Servants , and said to him , Much good d'it you Sir : Why now , says he , you think you have jeer'd me ; but I 'll assure you , I have din'd to day as well as my Lord Mayor . 28. A Mayor of a Town in Wiltshire , came to give a Visit to the Mayor of Wooton Basset ; and when he came to his house , he found him turning of the Spit , which made him think he might jeer him abroad for it ; and therefore desired the other Mayor to sit down , and turn the Spit , whilst he went out to fetch some drink ; which he did ; and he in the mean time invited all the Aldermen of his Town to dinner ; where being come , they found the other Mayor a turning the Spit ; which saved the Credit of the Mayor of Wooton Basset , Probatum est . 29. A rich and covetous Councellor of this Kingdom , that had an only Child , which was a Daughter , and worth 20000 l. A young and handsome Gentleman of good Birth , though of no great Fortune ; yet had so far insinuated himself into the Young Lady's Favour , that she promis'd him Marriage , if he could get her Father's Consent . Immediately he comes for London , and goes to her Father , and told him , That he would give him 10 l. for a Fee , if he could assist him in a business which did much concern him : which was , That there was a rich young Heiress in Town , which had promised him marriage , if it could any way be made good by Law : Why , says he , let her hire a Horse , and invite you to take her away , and let her get up before and you behind , that it may not be said that you rode away with her , but she with you ; and let her go to the Minister , and tell him , 't is her desire to be married to you , and to get a Licence accordingly ; and when you are married , then be sure to bed her , and I 'll warrant you she 's your own . And this , says the Gentleman , you 'll avouch for Law ? He told him , Yes . Well Sir , says he , if you will set your Hand to it , I 'll give you Ten Pounds more ; which he did . Immediately he goes into Countrey , and shews the young Lady what was done , and how 't was done ; and she accordingly performed her promise , and suddenly married and bedded ; and having so continued a week , they both came to London , and came to her Father , and fell down upon their Knees to him , and craved his Blessing : which made him at first fly into harsh Language ; but the Gentleman said , We have done nothing but what you have avoucht for Law , and have it under your hand . The Lawyer fearing his Reputation might be brought in question , and seeing him to be a handsome and well-bred Gentleman , and of a good Family , clapt both their hands together , and bid God bless them ; and then gave them a Subsistence for the present , and made over all to them after his death . Probatum est . 30. A mad roaring Fellow , as he was riding , falling from his horse , pitch'd upon his head , ran among the People standing by , swearing that he had broke his Neck ; and they had no other cause but to believe him , because he swore it so himself . 31. A Countrey Fellow haing been at London , and being come home , a She-Neighbour ask'd him , What News there was in London ? Faith , says he , all the news that I heard , was , That there was a great Press out for Cuckolds . Are you sure on 't , says she ? Sure on 't , says he , I 'm certain of it . Then I am resolved , says she , my dear Husband shall not stir out till the Press is over ; I 'll allow him to press me ; but he shan't be press'd himself ; which shew'd her to be an honest , and truly loving Wife . 32. Says a Lady to her maid , What are you with Child , Hussey ? Yes forsooth , Maedam Why , who got it , you whore ? My Master , forsooth . Where ? In the Truckle Bed. Where was I then ? Asleep in the high Bed , forsooth . Why did you not call out , you whore ? Why , says she , would your Ladyship have done so ? 33. An Arch Wagg hearing a Woman cry Kitchin Stuff , ask't her what it was ? she said , That which drops from Flesh . Well , says he , Call to morrow morning , and I 'll help you to some : And having ▪ got a Pot full of Sir-reverence , the Woman , as her Custom is , puts her hand into the Pot , and drawing it out , smelt the affront , and began to be angry ; Nay , says he , don't be angry , for I helpt you to that which falls from the Flesh . 'T is very true indeed , says she , and I find your Flesh is now very dry ( she strok't his Face with her hand ) and it wants a little greasing , and stands I think in need of basting too , and being a lusty Jade , did baste him well-favouredly . 34. An English-man and his wife which was with Child , Lodg'd at a French-mans house where they understood not one another : It chanc't that one Night the English-woman call'd for a Midwife , and he came down in his shirt to his Landlords Chamber to acquaint them with it : and 't was a very cold Night , says she to her Husband , Let the English - man come to Bed , for he can't go to his own Bed , as his Wives Condition is ; and you need not fear any thing seeing you are a Bed with me ; which being granted , he lay down on the other side of the Woman ; and the French-man being tired the day before , fell fast asleep : But a little after the moving of the Bed , awak'd her Husband , saying , What a Pox are you a doing ? Why , what would you have me to dy , says she , if I should speak to him , it would be to no purpose , for you know he understands not a word of our Language . 35. A Gallant did fancy that he sung exceeding well , although he had a very bad and hoarse Voice ; and having observed that a poor woman did always cry when she heard him sing , askt her the reason of it ? Truly Sir , said she , When I was forc't , being poor , to sell all my Goods , and nothing left me but one poor silly Ass , which was all my Support ; and at last I lost my Ass too ; and that which makes me cry , is , that whensoever I hear you sing , it puts me in mind of my poor Ass . Tarbox for that beloved . 36. A strange Gentleman being much necessitated for a House of Office in the City , and being unacquainted , went into an Upholsters Shop , and bid him shew him a Close-stool : Then he shewed him one : What , says he , Have you no better ? Yes , says he , all of colour'd Velvet . Go , says he , fetch me two or three down : In the mean time he lets down his Breeches , and sate down : The Upholster coming down and seeing him in that posture , ask'd him what he did ? Why truly , says he , I am trying of it . And plucking up his Breeches again , said , He did not like any of them , for they were all too low for him , and so went out o' th' doors . 37. A Doctor of Divinity in Oliver's days that had been sufficiently persecuted and plundered for his Loyalty to his Prince , which made him and many others ( that held his Tenets ) to talk at random sometimes , when they had nothing to lose ; but this talking of his happened to be a benefit to him : for divers did acquaint Oliver , that he was often heard to say , that he did heartily wish that Oliver and all his Army were in Hell : upon which Oliver sent him a Summons to appear before him , and being come , VVhy how now Doctor , says he , I did never expect to hear such Language to have proceeded from a man of your Coat ? VVhy Sir , says the Doctor , what did I say ? VVhy says Oliver , I heard that you should wish that both my self , and my Army were in Hell : Is that all ? says the Doctor , why truly Sir you need not endeavour to procure any testimony to make this manifest ; for I do confess I have said so a hundred times , and do wish the same still , and I think I have done exceedingly well in so wishing ; and my reasons are these . For if you and your Army have conquered three such Kingdoms as these , if you were all in Hell , I think it were impossible for that one Kingdom to withstand you ; and that being conquered , would it not be a great blessing to us all ? VVhich conceit not only procured his Pardon , but a Restitution of his Parsonage also , and likewise a Gratuity ; which made him as Loyal to him as he was before . 38. A Scottish Minister being Chaplain to an English Regiment of Foot , in the time of the Rump Parliament at Saint Edmonds Bury in Suffolk ; and there as he was preaching to them , said Good Lord Bless the grand Council above ( viz. the Parliament ) and grant they may aw hang together : which a Country Fellow that stood underneath hearing , said , Yes , Sir with alll my Heart , and the sooner the better ; and I am sure 't is the Prayers of all good people . But good Friends , says the Person , I do not mean as that naughty man means ; but I pray that they may all hang together in Accord and Concord : Yes , says the Fellow again , In any Cord , so it be a strong Cord : And when he had so said , he slipt away from the Company : At last being searcht for by the chief Officer there , they could not find him : How , says he , Is he slipt away ? If he had not , he should have had the slip bestowed upon him , for his unreverent Language to the Parliament . 39. A great Cavalier in the time of the War betwixt the King and Parliament , was taken Prisoner in the County of Chester by some of the Parliament-Forces ; and in regard that this Gentleman was a Collonel and had been very active in the Kings Service ; he was adjudged by the said Parliament aforesaid , not only to Prison in Nantwich ; but there to be put in a dark Dungeon , with nothing but Straw to lie on ; which he patiently endured for two days : But on Saturday night , he told the Goaler , That he desired that he might have liberty to go to Church on the Morrow to hear their preaching ; perhaps , says he , I may be of your Opinion then : which Sir William granted ; and as the Preacher was Praising God that all their great Victories , he prayed God that he would be a Centinel also , over that only Town of Nantwich , that had been so faithful to the Parliament ; at that the Collonel started up , saying , Pray Sir , must he be a Muscateer or a Pikeman ; Upon which he was conveyed to his aforesaid Lodging again . Probatum est . 40. In a Village in Norfolk , where the Church stands upon a high Stony-hill ; the Lady there and her Family , when they went to Church , did use to Load the Fool with all their Cloaks and Saveguards , for fear it should Rain by the way ; and always gave him a Stick between his Legs , telling him he should ride up , for 't was a Horse ; which he often did with Confidence and Satisfaction to himself : But being one time come to the top of the Hill , and being much loaded with the aforesaid things , he began to puff and blow extreamly , saying , D' ye call this a Horse ? I am sure but for the Name of a Horse , I had as good a gone a foot all the way . 41. A Cobler was sitting in his Shop a singing merrily , his Song was this , Tamberlain was and he was ; and Tamberlain was and he was ; and continued so singing , and nothing else , many times together ; which a Gentleman that past by took notice of , and said to the Cobler , Prithee Friend , says the Gentleman , what was he ? Why , says the Cobler , as arrant a Fool as your self , for ought I know : Sirrah , says the Gentleman , you are a Rascal , came out and I 'll kick you ; No Sir , says he , 't is no matter , I thank you for your Love as much as if I had it , for I don't want kicking : Sirrah , says the Gentleman again , Come out and I 'll give you a kick : No Sir , says he , You need not trouble your self , I won't come if you 'd give me two . 42. A School-master did always dictate to his Scholars , H non est Litera , that is H is no Letter ; and on a time he call'd one of the Scholars to him , and bid him heat the Cawdle , and when he askt for it , the Scholar told him , that he had done with the Cawdle as he bid him , What 's that ? says his Master , Why Sir , says he , I did eat it : Sirrah , says he , I bid you heat it with an H : Yes Sir , says he , But I did eat it with Bread. 43. A Gentleman desired of a Covetous Neighbour of his to lend him ten pounds , he professed he had none to spare ; but the Gentleman having at that time very great occasion , told him , he had a Gelding , that he had been offered twelve pounds for , but for the present he will take ten : Well Sir , says the Miser , I will go and try a Friend ( which you may be sure was his Chest ) and fetch the Money presently : which when the Gentleman had received , and the Horse delivered , he said , Now I find that Horses have more Credit than Men , and so God-a-mercy Horse . 44. Two Fellows going with a Present to a Covetous Man , one of them said they should but lose their labour ; well , says t'other , I 'll hold you a Crown that we shall get there both Meat , Drink , and Money ; Done , says t'other : And being come thither , one of them told him . that he was very dry , then he bid them go down into the Gellar ; and when they came there , he told the Butler , that he could not drink without eating ; then the Butler went up and told his Master of it , who bid him set a cold Pasty before them ; of which they eat plentifully : And when they had filled their Bellies they both went to the Master to take their leaves of him ( also expecting some gratuity ) which when they saw not appearing , says one of them boldly , Pray Sir , what shall we say to our Master , if he should ask us what you gave us ? which put him to a stand for a while , at lost he gave them half a Crown : so the fellow won his wager . 45. A Cavalier in Oxfordshire , that was very zealous in his Loyalty for his Prince , and had suffered very much for it ; and once meeting with some of the Rumpish Officers at Oxford , says or e of them to him , God save you , Noble Squire , and you , says he , if it be possible : for he did believe that all that were against the King could not be saved . 46. Some Women were making merry together at a Gossipping at Limus , near Ratcliff , and the God-father was there among them ; but one of the Women that was an Arch Jade , said to him , Sir I have something to say to you . Well , says he , say on : Don't you know , says she , Ratcliff Market ? yes , says he , Very well : Why , says she , if you will meet me there to morrow morning with a Tu — in your Mouth , I 'll give you a pint of Sack : but , says he , I must drink it to wash my mouth , and if I do not do it , then you shall have the Sack again at second hand : Well , says she , I see that you would cast your kindness upon me , if I do accept on 't : And says he , If I do not meet you there , yet I 'll come hither and tell you that I can't come to you . 47. There were two Modest and Civil Whetstons-park Women , that were scolding most comfortably in the street together ; and amongst their vertuous Discourse ( of which there was great store ) to the great Satisfaction of all the Neighbourhood , that their Daughters might learn the better how to behave themselves : One called the other Whore : Faith , says she , and thou wouldst fain be a Whore too , but that thou are so ugly , that no body will lye with thee : What you Whore , says she , I can have one for a Groat a night and thank ye too . 48. A Gentleman was riding through a Forrest in Oxfordshire , where two supposed Cripples begg'd something of him ; then he put his Hand in his Pocket , and bid them give him a Groat , and he would give them a Six-Pence , which they did ; and when he had the Groat he rode away with it : With that one of them swore a great Oath , saying , Cut thy Girth Tom , cut thy Girth , you Rogue , and let us after him : And though he gallopt a good pace away , yet they were so nimble ( and so by consequence Cripples ) that they over took him as he was opening a Gate , and had almost laid hold on him ; that the Gentleman , for his security was forc'd to throw two or three Shillings down on the Ground , and whilst they were scrabling for that he got away : Probatum est . 49. A Gentleman and a peevish Parson were riding together ( in an extream rainy day ) in the Forrest of Sherwood in Nottingham-shire ; so that there was no House within four or five miles of the place , that they were soundly soust with the Rain ; which made the Parson fret and vex extreamly : Come chear up , says the Gentleman to him , for if it does not hold vp quickly we'll e'ne do as they do in Spain . Well , says the Parson , what 's that ? Why says t'other , e'ne let it rain on : which put the Parson in a greater chase than before . And as they gallopt along by a poor Beggerman's Hutt , which was in the middle of the Forrest , and just in the High-way , and being almost a quarter of a mile gallopt beyond it , the Old Man hearing some Horses gallop by , come out and crys , D' ye hear , d' ye hear , d' ye hear Gentlemen , which made them think , that he would tell them something to avoid Robbing , and so presently gallopt back again to the Hutt . Then says the begger to them , Pray Gentlemen bestow a penny upon a poor Old Man : which put the Parson into such a Fury , that he would have beat the Begger , and had so done but for the Gentleman ; who was so pleased with the Humour of the Old Man , and the Conceit also , and to see the Parson in such a Fume ; that he threw him six-pence : So they both rode away for Tuxford as fast as they could ; and when they came there , they had never a wet Thred dry about them : Probatum est . 50. A Fellow that had never a Nose , a roguish Beggar begg'd of him an Alms , and still as he begg'd , he prayed for his eye-sight ; he askt him what he meant by that ? He told him , that he hoped his eye-sight would never fail him ; For if it does , says he , you are in a most miserable Condition ; for there was no place to fix a pair of Spectacles on . 51. Another meeting him by chance without a Nose , askt him by way of jeer , what that was upon his Nose ? He said , a Worm . Alas poor Worm , says he , I see he is faint to go about , now the Bridge is broken down . 52. An Apothecary in Oxford spoke to a Country-man , by way of Jeer , to bring him some live Rats , and he would give him eighteen pence a piece for them ; and a fortnight after he brought them ; and then the Apothecary told him , That he was provided the day before . The Country Fellow seeing he was abused , was resolved to be quit with him , saying , I am unwilling ( seeing I have brought them ) to carry then back again ; and told him , he would take three pence out in Physick at some time or other , and so opened his Bag , and let them about the Shop , which did so whisk up and down the Shelves , that in a little space they broke him about forty Pots and Glasses , and could never be rid of them since . Probatum est . 53. A Lady in Covent-Garden that had a Daughter about four years of Age , and being below a pretty space , her mother call'd for her up , and askt her , Where she had been all that while ? she told her , That she had been to see her Brother learn to dance , and that he was taught by a Monkey ; alluding to the great deformity that was in the Dancing-master : and the same Girl told her Mother on a week-day , That she thought it was Sunday , because the Sun then did shine so bright , which had been clouded so long before : which was much in a Child of four years of Age. 54. One told him that had never a Nose , that though his Complices were fled that joyned with him in the Plot against the State , that he should be made a Sacrifice for all the rest . Nay , says he , I don't fear , for the Old Law says , that nothing must be sacrificed that had a Blemish . 55. A Gentleman was forc'd for his Loyalty to betake himself to the Sea for his security and relief , during the time of the Grand Rebellion , and was there so long , that he became an expert Seaman ; insomuch that when he came back ( which was about the time of his Majesties most happy Restaurarion . ) he was askt by a Fanatick Parson , Whether he could say his Compass or not ? Yes , says he , that I can , and I 'll lay a wager with you also , that I can say my Compass better than you can say the Lord's Prayer ; ( which he poor heart heart had discontinued for many years before ) and the Sea Captain was the Judge to determine who said best : So the Gentleman said over his Compass , and the Parson the Lord's Prayer ; but the Captain could not judge who said best : Then the Gentleman began to say his Compass backward , which he did very well ; but the Parson could not say the Lords Prayer backwards ; so that the Gentleman won the wager ; who also told him , That it was no wonder that he could not say it backwards , because for many years together he never saw him forwards to say it at all . 56. A man was condemned the last Sessions to be hang'd for a Robbery ; but before and after he was condemned , his careful , dear , and loving wife bid him take no care ; for she had took that care that he should not die ; which made the man live more dissolutely than he would have done , but for his wife's Confidence ; which Confidence she continued to him , till the night before he was to be hang'd : and then , she came to him , and told him , That all the great Promises made to her were come to nothing ; for she could not procure him a Pardon by any means whatsoever ; which put the poor man into such a Grief and Trembling , that he was scarce himself : Come Husband , says she , take Heart , for though I cannot get you a Pardon , yet I 'll tell you what I 'll do for you : I will make you an excellent Cawdle to night , which will make you sleep well , and another to morrow morning to comfort up your heart before you are hang'd : for truly I believe it troubles you as well as me , that I could not get your pardon ; therefore pass it by this once ; but if ever you come to be hang'd again , I 'll warrant you , I 'll get you your pardon . 57. A Fellow was accused before a Justice for calling a woman Whore : the Justice ask'd , why he did so ? he told him , Because he had lain with her above a hundred times . O pray Sir , says she , don't believe him : for he never lay with me but 3 times in his life , and then he promised to give me half a Crown a time ; but I will assure you , Sir , I never receiv'd one penny of him . And why did you not ask him for it ? says the Justice , Indeed Sir , says she , I did often call upon him for it , nay I call'd him Rogue too , because he would not pay me : why then , says the Justice , do you think him a Rogue ? yes truly , Sir , says she , to aggravate the matter , he is a very Rogue : Nay , says the Justice , Then 't is pity that a Rogue and a Whore should be parted , and so sent them both to Prison together ; then they both intreated him : Nay , says the Justice , confess and be hang'd ; and so sent them both away . 58. A mad hare-brain'd Country Fellow , came to a great Lady that was his Landlady , to tell her that his Wife was brought to Bed : Faith 't is true Madam , says he , How brought to Bed , says my Lady , what was she Drunk or Sick ? No , no , Madam , I mean she has a Child : O , says my Lady , now I understand you : Well then , says she , what has God sent her ? Faith , says he , nothing as I know of , I don't believe she ever heard from him in her life : Puh , says the Lady , I mean has she a Boy or a Girl ? O d' ye mean so forsooth Madam ; why guess then , says he : 'T is a Boy , says my Lady , no vaith Madam , guess again : Why a Girl , says she : Vaith Madam I think in my Conscience you are a Witch , 't is a Girl indeed . 59. A man being newly married , entred himself into a Fencing-School the very next day after , which made most of the Neighbours wonder why he did it : Some thought that he had a better Opinion of his Wife's Honesty than she deserved , and so thought it was to defend her ; but the naked Truth was , that he had matcht with her before , now he did intend only to match her , because he knew she 'd be at Daggers drawing with him , if he did but look angry . 60. A Fellow was indicted for stealing a silver Cup , and the Judge askt him what he could say for himself , that Judgment should not pass upon him ? He told him , that he meant no hurt to the man when he took it , and did only intend to pawn it for a time , and then to bring it back to him again , and pay him so much a month for the use whilst he had it ; and that it was only a foolish Custom he had got . Well says the Judge , if it be your Custom to steal , 't is also my Custom to hang up those that do steal : For the Commandment says , Thou shalt not steal : Yes , says he , Thou must not steal , but I may , and therefore why should I be hang'd for it ? And besides , Sir , says the Thief , I take it very ill from you to offer to hang me , only for having a Cup too much : No , says the Justice , 'T is not for having a Cup too much , but for having a Cup more than your own . Sir , said he , I do not own it to be mine , it is his . 61. A cleanly woman in Cambridge-shire , had made good store of Butter , and whilst she went a little way out into the Town , about some earnast occasions , a neighbour's Dog came in , in the mean time , and eat up half the Butter : Being come home , her maid told her what the Dog had done , and that she had lockt him up in the Dairy-House : So she took the dog , and hang'd him up by the heels , till she had squeez'd all the Butter out of his Throat again ; which she pretty cleanly Soul , took , and put to the rest of the Butter , and made it up for Cambridge Market ; but her Maid told her , she was asham'd to see such a nasty Trick done : Hold your peace , you Fool , says she , 't is good enough for Schollards ; away to Market with it . 62. An Englishman and a Scotch-man were both in the Hold of a Ship together , in the last Engagement at Sea ; and as they were in the heat of the Fight , says the English-man to him , Com let 's go up , and partake with our Brethren in the Fight , and not stand here like Drones , and do nothing . Be God , says he , wi aw my heart : And as the English-man led the way , when he was half way up , a great Bullet came in , and cut him just in two in the middle . Udsbread , says the Scotch - man , What the deel dost gang up to fight , and leave thy Arse behind thee ? 63. A French-man was scoffing at the English-mens humours , because they did so admire their Nation . Faith friends , says the English - man , you are mistaken ; for we in England do esteem you , as you in France do our Hounds , for pleasure . 64. At a general hurling in Cornwal , which is still observed twice a year , where also is great wrestling and Cudgel-playing , a Minister happening to be among the multitude there ; for reproving a Fellow for swearing so much , had his head broke very deep by a stone that the Fellow flung at him ; which some that stood by seeing , said , Come Sir , we 'll go along with you to a Justice . No , says the Minister , truly , I think there is more need to go with me to a Surgeon . 65. A great Divine being extreamly sick , a Physician was sent to him , and when he came , he askt him the cause of his Distemper ? And finding the Physician to falter much in his discourse , he told him plainly , he 'd take none of his Physick : For , says he , if he be not able to shew me the Cause , I am sure he is less able to take it away ; And so had him turn'd out . 66. A Gentleman was saying , that this is a strange Age we live in ; because most Maids now a days do much resemble their great Grand mother , Goody Eve : for she was no sooner a woman , but she was married ; and as she knew not her Husband till she had eaten Fruit ; so most Maids now , have commonly Fruit before they know their Husbands . 67. A woman in the Countrey having lost abundance of Linnen off her hedge ; but could not imagine who was the Thief , so she went to a sober Gentleman , whom she took to be an Astrologer , to desire him to help her to her Linnen again : Then he took her up into his Chamber , and bid her lie down upon the Bed , and when he knew her as well as her husband , he told her , he would tell her more . What , says she , d' ye intend to make me a Whore ? Why yes , says he , why should not I make you a whore , as well as you make me a witch ? 68. Hugh Peters in former times coming into a Cathedral , where they were singing the Litany ; I wonder , says a man , why they would let any such Fellows come there : But however , he thought they sung very ill ; and whereas they sung , Have mercy upon us miserable Sinners ; he said they had more need to say , Have mercy upon us miserable Singers : Probatum est . 69. A Rumpish Gallant that had been a little too forward ( in those Days ) in buying of the Kings Lands , for which he did repent heartily , but not till it was too late ; and this same very Person , had a little before made a Book called A World in the Moon ; and after the Kings most happy Restauration , he had a great desire it seems to speak with his Majesty ; and among other discourse , says the King to him ; Sir , I hear that you have found out a new World in the Moon , and I being a Soveraign Prince ( as you see I am now , though you did not think me so formerly ) sure I must needs havs some Lands there , and if you please I will sell them to you ; and what will you give me for them ? O Sir , says he , I beg your Majesties pardon , for I find it is dangerous to purchase any Kings Lands . 70. Some Jovial Companions being in a Room a drinking together , one would have had another to have pledg'd him that Cup , he vow'd he would not ; nay more than that , he said , he resolved to leave off drinking , because it made him have a short memory ; which made the other laugh at him for it , swearing that he 'd drink on still , because it made him have a long memory ; for since I have learnt to drink hard , I am a year in remembring that , which before I could call to mind presently ; and so have a long memory . 71. A Clown in Flanders had a very pretty Woman to his Wife , and both came to an Inn six miles from Gaunt that night , and a lusty Spanish Souldier happened to lie there that night also , and when they were both in Bed , he seeing she was handsome , made up the number three in the Bed , without saying by your leave ; and the Woman it seems lay in the middle ; and the Clown hearing the Souldier , as he thought something to bold with his Wife , durst not speak at first ; at last he took a Courage ( for you must know he was wonderfully valiant ) and bid her desire the Spaniard to lie still , and she being a very discreet and good natur'd Woman , and to avoid any further quarrelling : Said , Sweet Husband , you know I can't speak Spanish , but let me intreat you to rise and go to the Sexton , for he speaks Spanish very well : So the good man followed his dear Wifes advice , and rose and went to him ; and what was done then is quite out of my head now , yet I knew the Woman must needs be vertuous , and I think you 'l swear discreet ; but before he came back the Spaniard was gone , which when he perceiv'd he began to domineer : swearing if he had him here how he would Cudgel the Rogue , for troubling of them so that night : In truth Husband , says she , ( very discreetly ) I am heartily glad you did not come while he was here , for in your anger I am sure you 'd a kill'd him ; and I know you are very desperate : But prethee sweet heart , says he , how long did he stay when I was gone ; Truly Husband , says she , you were scarce out of the door but he ran away : Well , says he , I can't chuse but laugh to see how I have scared him ; you see what comes of policy and discretion now ; for if I had been hasty , the Rogue might have killed me for ought I know , and then what would'st thou have done for such a good Husband again , my dear ? Truly Husband , says he , 't was best as it is , and I am very well pleas'd with what was done . 72. A Gallant wooing his Mistress in Marriage , she told him she 'd have none of him if he did not leave off taking Tobacco , and he was Bound to under Hand and Seal , that he should never take any again ; and on the Wedding Night he lay still and stirr'd not ; she askt him the reason of it , he told her that she had bound him from Tobacco , which did usually make him active in all things , and without that was always like a Stone Statue . Then she immediately knockt for the Maid and bid her bring in the Bond , and withal some good Tobacco , and the Bond flung in the Fire ; and after he had taken a Pipe then he gave her a kiss ; then she call'd the Wench again saying , Hussey , I charge you to bring in a dozen more , and that with all speed ; which being done , she left them to their repose . 73. Appelles , the most Famous Painter , in the time of Alexander the Great , had drawn the Picture of the said Alexander on Horseback at Ephesus ; but when Alexander had seen it , it seems he did not give it that Praise which it did deserve : Upon which a Horse was immediately brought in , who as soon as he had seen the Painted Horse , began to neigh , as thinking it to be a true : it was so exquisitely done ; then Appelles told the King , that that Horse did understand Painting much better than him . 74. Oliver Cromwel , when he was Protector , had a mind on a time to salace himself with some Mirth , for then there was a Cavalier Doctor that came to him at that time about his Benefice which had been wrongfully took from him ; and Oliver knowing him to be Ingenious , was resolved to have some discourse with him ; and after much talk , Oliver told him of a strange thing that happened lately : O , says the Doctor , I can tell you of a stranger thing then that , and for a Bottle of Wine you shall know it : Well , after a Bottle or two drinking , says Oliver , Come now , Doctor , your strange Story : Why says he , is not this a stranger thing then that , for who would have thought twenty years ago , that we should have had such a Copper-nosed King ; and such a fat A — Queen . 75. A Gentleman that was riding by a River-side , askt a Country Fellow , Whether that River might be past over or no ? Yes , says he . Then the Gentleman went to try , and of a sudden plung'd himself over Head and Ears , and at last with much ado got out again : when he was out , says he , You Rogue , did you not tell me that I might pass over : Truly Sir , says he , I would not have you angry for I meant no hurt ; for I thought you might go over safely , when I saw my Brother Masons Dog that is less then your Horse , go over and back again without any danger ; and you and your Horse are ten times as big again as my Brothers Dog ; for a little one is sooner drowned than a great one , Sir. 76. A Noble Man in this Kingdom desired a Gentleman ( that was a merry Wag ) to accompany him down in the Country this last Summer , wherein they had several merry Discourses , and among the rest , the Lord desired him to ask what it was a Clock ; so he askt a Shepherd that was on one side of the Coach , what it was a Clock ? and he said Four , then he askt another on t'other side of the Coach , and he said Five ; then the Lord askt what it was a Clock ? and he told him Nine : How so ? says he ; Why my Lord , says he , he on this side the Coach told me 't was Four , and the other Five , and is not that Nine : then the Lord bid him look on his Watch ; which it seems was half an hour to slow ; and my Lords went too fast ; yet he told him , That his went the rightest : No my Lord , says he , mine must needs be truest , for you know the Proverb is , slow and sure . 77. A Young Country Fellow went a Wooing to a Country Lass , and he had on then a spick and span new Suit with Silver Buttons also ; and in all his Discourse with her he used all the Art he could to have her take notice of his Buttons ; at last when he saw that she would take no notice of them at all : Well , says he , these Silver Buttons keep me so warm : Yes , says she , you had best lie in them all night , lest you should take cold this frosty weather . 78. A Rich Usurer in Oxford , that had one Summer bought the Crop of Grass which then was standing in a large Meadow near Maudlin Bridge , but it seems it happened that Summer that there fell great store of Rain ; which was succeeded with a great Flood , which came after the Grass was cut , and half made into Hay ; which was almost all carried into the adjacent Rivers , and that which was left all destroyed ; he then comes very pensively to Maudlin Bridge , and leans upon the wall , saying , What Grass no by the Mass ; What Hay no by my Fay ; What Fodder ne'r Nodder ; What Muck the worst Luck . 79. A reverend old Woman that had lived 70 odd , or thereabouts , and being something unsatisfied in her Religion , went to the Minister of the Town , who was a Presbyter , and having askt her many Questions , at last askt her how many Commandments there were ? Truly Sir , says she , an 't please your worship , I don't know : for I never minded any of 'em all . Then he called down his Maid Ann , and bid her name them all to her , and she named nine of them : What , says he , is there but nine ? No , Sir says she , for you and I broke one last night . Nay , says the old woman , if they be so easie to be broke , I am glad I had nothing at all to to do with them . 80. Some Gentlemen that were riding a hunting in a gloomy day , and coming to a Shepherd that sate there under a Bush , they askt him what weather it would be to day ? he said , That weather which pleaseth me . They askt him what he meant by that ? Truly , says he , it shall be what weather it pleaseth God , and what weather pleaseth God that weather pleaseth me . 81. A Gentleman that was a great Courtier of Ladies , and lov'd Hawking very much , was riding through Burford in Oxford-shire , and seeing a Fellow going home with a Sheeps head ; says the Gentleman , 'T is such Rogues as this as makes our Dogs Meat so dear . And you , says the Fellow , 't is that makes Whores so dear ; for formerly a man might have had one for a Groat , but you have so rais'd the price , that we can't get 'em now at any ordinary rate . 82. An Impudent and Brazen-fac't Fellow would almost every day intrude and invite himself to a Person of Qualities House still about Dinner and Supper time ; and once at his coming in , the Gentleman bid 'em stay Dinner a while ; then he askt one of the Servants what time Dinner would come up ? Faith , says the Fellow , I 'll assure you , Sir , not before you are gone . 83. A Quaker met with one of his Holy Sisters and askt her how all far'd at home ? Truly says she , we all fare well , but my Daughter Rebekah , for she is faln ; what , from the Truth ? No : faln in Love ? No , for a Zealous Brother did fall in Love with her , and she since is faln asunder ; and as we in our Country say , faln in twain : O Sister , Sister , says he , when Zealous Kittens meet , they will play together ; for 't is natural to 'em so to do . 84. A Gentleman of a great estate , who it seems hated Tobacco , and hearing his eldest Son did take it , though not in his presence ; he told him , if he knew that he did take Tobacco , that he would disinherit him : Truly Father , says he , they that told you so were mistaken ; for before that I will take any Tobacco , I 'll see it all a fire : Say'st thou so my Boy , says he , I 'll give thee 500 l. a year the more for that . 85. A Man that liv'd at a Market Town , intending to go further into the Countrey , but having forgot something , came at night back again , and on the Bed found a pair of Breeches ; and looking further , found a Man a-bed with his Wife : Are these your Breeches ? says he , Yes , says the Man , I profess , says he , if ever I find you a-bed with my Wife again , I 'll throw your Breeches out o' the Window . 86. A Gentleman was drolling with a Woman , and told her he was resolved to lie with her that night , but she told him she had her Husbands Company , then says he , I must confess , though I love your Husbands company well , yet then I had rather have his room than his company : And truly , says she , I had rather have his room empty at any time , than to have your company . 87. A Person of Quality in this Kingdom , was one night at Supper at Pickadilly-house which was then an Ordinary and great Gaming-House , where he had bowled all day ; and after Supper he call'd for some Cheese , which it seems was very thin and lean ; then he ask't the Master of the House where those Cows went , of whose Milk that Cheese was made ? He told them they graz'd not far off ; then he swore a great Oath that he was confident that they never fed in any other place then his Bowling Alley , which was made good by the fatness of the Cheese they now tasted of : for it cries Rub , rub , in the eating of it , when 't is so long a going down . 88. Another person of Quality also , in this Kingdom , amongst other Gentlemen , did often meet at a Bowling-Ally , which stood next to the Church-yard ; and the Parson of that Church had this Benefit , That if any did swear there , he was to have 12 d. for every Oath : This Person aforesaid , happened to swear a great Goliah Oath , upon which the Parson demanded 12 d. which he gave him ; and after that swore many others , for which he paid 12 d. a piece ; and then swearing another , he demanded 12 d. as before ; then he pluckt out of his pocket a 20 Shilling piece , and bid him give him 19 s. again : Sir , says he , I cannot : Why then , says he , take it , for I intend to swear it out . 89. Queen Elizabeth was very much importuned by a Gentleman that was one of her Servants , for an Imployment that then was fallen : Why , says the Queen , you are not fit for it ; An 't please your Majesty , says he , I can get one to officiate it for me : I thank you indeed , says the Queen , for that , for so I may put in one of my Maids , and they can do it as well . 90. A Weaver at Bourdeaux in France , dreamt one night that he was a Cuckold , so he went to the Priest to desire him to take his Wives Confession , especially in that point : Well , says the Priest to him ; I 'll lend thee my Gown and Hood , and you shall shrive her your self : And it seems this very Priest had been very familiar with her ; and while he was waiting for his Wives coming , he went and told her of the passage , and that 't was her Husband in his Habit , that was to shrive her ; so she comes to him , and after many impertinent questions which he ask't her , she told him she had lain only with three men , which was a Young-man , an Old-man , and a Frier : So he came home , as he thought undiscovered ; and as he was at work , he often repeated the Young-man , the Old-man , and the Frier : Faith Husband , says she , I believe the Priest has told you what I confess'd to day , and I did indeed so confess it ; and yet Husband these three were but one : for I lay with you when you were a Young-man , and don 't I lie with you now you are Old ? And were not you the Frier to day ? Therefor all these three were you my dear Husband And is it so , my dear Wife ? Now thou hast given me so great satisfaction , that I shall never have an ill opinion of thee again : Come kiss me . Then he with Tears in his Eyes kissed her , and askt her pardon for his former mistrust of her ; and the Frier was as welcome to them , and who but the Frier , when they had any Feast : Thus you see what 't is for Men to mistrust their Wives when there is no cause , as you see it was in this Vertuous Woman . 91. A great German Prince , that was much addicted to Drinking , had drank so much one day , that the next he was very sick ; then his Fool came in to him and askt him , why he was so melancholly ? he told him his Sickness was occasion'd by drinking yesterday : Why then , says the Fool , if that be all , I 'll be your Physician ; that is , if you are ill with drinking one day , the next day take a Hare of the same Dog. Well , says the Prince , and what the second day ? The Fool told him the same again : And what the third day ? the same too . And what at the fourth ? Why the same . We 'll come to the purpose , says he , and what the fifth day ? Why Faith , says he , then you 'll be as arrant a Fool as I am . 92. A Gallant it seems upon a time cast his ●ye upon precise Mistress Temperance , a Feather-makers Wife , and after a little conference , swore he would lie with her : What , says she , cannot you glance upon a Modest Woman as I am , but you must covet ; indeed Brother I must chide you for it : Well , says she , but that I am tender of Oaths ; and would be loath to have you break yours , for the Oaths sake I am willing to consent to you at present ; but otherwise I profess I would not do it , if you 'd give me a thousand pound . 93. A Gallant once meeting in Covent-Gaerden with a handsome , and it seems , smart Lass , with her naked Breasts appearing very largely : Says he , I pray Mistriss is that Flesh to be sold ? No , says she , no Money shall buy it : Well , says he , then let me advise you if you will not sell , you should shut up your shop : Faith , says she , you may be confident I shall shut you out for ever entring into any of my doors : Then , says he , you have doors , but if you have , they must needs be wicked doors . 94. A Fellow at a Coffee-house swore that he saw a very strange thing done in Suffolk lately , they askt him what it was ? Then he told them a Masty Dog ran at a Gentleman , and he not knowing how to avoid him , first thrust his hand into his Mouth , and after that quite thorow , and catched hold of his Tail ; and being very strong , by main force turned him the wrong side outwards : All which he confirmed with a lusty Oath , and that he saw it done himself . 95. A Man having a very Vertuous and good Huswifely Woman to his Wife ( as you will find by the story ) it seems he lost her for three or four days , and having searcht all about for her , at last she came home of her own accord , and told him that she 'd tell him very good News , if he would not be angry wi●s her , and indeed you have no cause if you knew all ; for you know that we have a great deal of Money to pay for Rent and other things : But Husband , says she , I have got Money enough to pay every Body . How he took it I can't tell , but certainly she was a good woman , and loving to her Husband . 96. Another Fanatick did advise his neighbour to leave off all wickedness whatsoever especially that of the Flesh , and live altogether by the Spirit ; for we Holy men all do so : Yes , says his neighbour , I do believe you , for sure 't was some Spirit that moved you to get your Maid with Child . 97. A Lusty Young Man was earnest with his Father to be married , and after much importunity he was married to a Neighbours Daughter ; he had not been Married six Months , but he look'd so bad , and was so ill and so feeble , that he could scarce stand upon his Legs ; alittle after he spi'd a Butcher running over a plowed Field after a mad Bull , then he askt him , why he did so ? he told him to tame him : O , says he , let him be married , let him be married , if that don't tame him I 'll be hanged . 98. A Woman in twenty weeks after marriage , was brought to bed of a Boy ; How now Wife , says he , methinks this is a little too soon : No Husband , says she , you mistake , for we married only a little too late : Faith and I think so too , says he ; and if ever we happen to marry again , we 'll be sure to marry a little sooner , or not to marry at all , for this trick . But Husband , says she , you don't know the Custom , yet of the Womens going with Child ; for we go twenty weeks by day , and twenty weeks by night . O then , says he , c ham zatisfied . 99. A Rich Simpleton was to Court a pretty Maid , and when he was come to her , his man would still be to help him out , ( but I think he need not do that , for he was out enough himself ) then she askt his Man what estate he had ? He said a 1000 l. a year : Puh , says he , my Man 's a Fool ; I , and a thousand , and a thousand to that too : Then she askt him how long his Master went to School ? He said near a twelve month : He lies , says he , I was not there half so long ; for my Master did nothing but whip me ; so he did : Then she askt his Man how old his Master was ? He told her above five and twenty : Puh , says he , I am five and twenty , and five and twenty , and five and twenty too : I think my man is the arrantest Fool in the World : You speak for me , I hope I have so much wit as to speak for my self ; and I hope Mistress forsooth you 'll love me now , now you have heard all my good qualities : Yes , says she , I am willing to have you , so you 'll promise me never to be my Husband : Yes , forsooth , says he , I 'll do any thing to please you , so you 'll have me . 100. A Gentleman that came home one night drunk in the Winter time , was had to Bed ; and his Wife staying up long after , when she was going to bed , she bid her Maid warm her side of the Bed with the Pan ; and as she was doing of it , by chance burnt her Master's Thigh , which he felt not then , sleeping soundly : And about three days after , a Gentleman meeting of him in Oxford , askt him how he came so lame ? Nothing , says he , but only burnt by a Whore. 101. One since the King's Restauration meeting with one of Oliver's Relations in the Park thought to put a Trick upon her , saying , Madam , your Father stinks now . Pray Sir , let me ask you a Question , that is , whether he be living or dead ? He then told her he was dead . By my troth , Sir , says she , I thought so ; for if he had been living , he would have made you stink too . 102. A great Lady that lived in a Market-town in the North , was pleased to give a Fool that was kept at the Town charge his Diet every day , and one day coming about eleven of the Clock , two of my Ladies Gentlemen were playing at Tables in the Hall , and they a one side o' the Table , and the Jackanapes a t'other , looking on them as they play'd , and as soon as it knockt to the Dresser , the Gentlemen left their Game to carry up Dinner ; then the Ape took up the Dice in his hand , and flung them as they did , and turn'd the Men about also . Says the Fool to the Ape , Come , faith I 'll play with thee for a Pot and a Pipe , and went to take the Dice out of his hand ; then the Ape grinn'd and chatter'd at him , and still kept the Dice in his hand , and would not throw . Then says the Fool , Throw , if thou be'st a man , throw ; and offered to take the dice away from him ; which so incens'd the Ape , that he flew upon him , and had certainly kill'd him , had not some of the Gentlemen , that privately lookt on , came to his rescue : And from that time to this , the Fool could never be got to come to the House . And when he was to pass by the House , he would still go a t'otherside of the Street , looking fearfully a one side , fearing the Ape should see him , which it seems he did out of the Window ; and had he not been chain'd , had certainly leapt down , and fell upon him , which the Fool seeing , ran away crying as fast as he could , and left his Cap behind him for hast ; and could never be got to come through that Street again . 103. The French Embassador being at dinner with King James , the King in mirth drank a Health to him , saying , The King of France drinks a Health to the French King. Upon which the French Embassador suddenly replied , The King , my Master , is a good Lieutenant ; for he holds France well for you . No , says the King , he holds it from me . Truly , Sir says the Embassador , it is no further from you than it was . 104. Count Gundamore being invited to the Reader 's Feast at Grays Inn , just at the time of the Palsgrave ( who was elected a little before King of Bohemia ) was come to Prague ; and among other Healths , one was begun to the King of Bohemia ; he pledg'd it merrily , and thankt the Reader , and all the rest of the Company , For 't was the first time that ever he pledg'd the Emperor's Health in England . 105. Just at Gundamore's going for Spain , King James sent to the Lord Mayor , to envite him to dinner before he went ; and being at dinner , several Healths went about , and began by the Lord Mayor ; then Gundamore began a Health to the King of Spain's Mistress , and after that another to his Wife : By his Mistress , he meant the East-Indies , wherein he did give the English leave to be dabling in their Traffick ; but by his wife , he meant the West-Indies , which he is resolved solely to keep to himself . Therefore I pray my Lord Mayor , and you the rest of these Noble Aldermen , do not offer to meddle with the King , my Master's Wife . 106. The Florentines once sent an Apothecary for their Embassador to Alphonso , King of Naples ; and having acquitted himself elegantly , and with much generosity at his first Audience , the King said , If the Apothecaries of Florence are such , what shall we think of their Physicians ? For the Pills of this Speech wrought stronger with me than e'er his other Pills did to any of his Patients ; alluding to the Family of de Medicis that were then Governours there . , 107. A Woman that had a good handsome young Daughter , sent her to her Landlord at New-years-tide , with a New-years-gift , and he being a lusty Batchelor , and lov'd a pretty Lady besides , and seeing the Maid to be handsome , with some Importunity , and some Gratuity , got her Consent , that she proved with Child , for whose Maintenance and Mothers too he paid : And then hearing of a lusty young woman and rich , that liv'd hard by him , be became a Suitor to her in Marriage ; to which she easily condescended : And on that day that they were to be married , the other that he had got with Child before , came to the Church also to see the Wedding , which her Child in her Arms ; and all the while they were in the Church , that woman would dandle her Child up and down in her Arms ; and sometimes look upon her Landlord , and sometimes on her Child , with a smiling Countenance ; which that woman that was that day to be married to him observing , told him plainly , that she would not be married till he gave her satisfaction concerning that Woman and her Child : He put her off still with excuses ; but at last he told her he would tell her the truth , if she would not take it ill . No , says she , I will not , let it be what it will. Why then , says he , I got her with Child , and what is the Child in her Arms. Puh , says she , is that all ? I had one a twelve month ago by Londoner that lodg'd at our house . Say you so , says he , then I faith I 'll marry a Whore of my own making rather than of another man's , and so call'd the Woman to him that had the Child in her Arms , and married her presently . 108. A little Girl about twelve years old , took her Sister , which was about two years old upon her Back a pick-pack , and runing about the room with it , said , who 'll buy my Pack ? who 'll buy my Pack ? At last her Father seeing no body else would take notice of her call'd to her and said , Come I 'll buy your Pack . With that she took the Child off her Shoulders , and gave it to her Father , saying , Here , take it , 't is a Pig of your own Sow . Probatum est . 109. A man met near Billings-gate a Hartfordshire Man and his Wife , that he had not seen a long time ; and told him , he 'd give his Wife some Oysters . Hang her , says he , she never eat any Oysters in her life ; for she eat but three t'other day , and she was as sick as the driven Snow . What , with eating of three ? No , says he , but with eating of Oysters . Why , you said first she eat none . Yes , says he , none but three . 110. A School-Boy in Oxford was surpriz'd in the Street , by having a great Occasion to untruss a Point ; and the Fashion in those days was , that they tied their Breeches with Points , and the poor Boys , one was so tied , that he could not undo it , though he were in a great deal of haste ; and at last finding he could not untie it , was forced for hast sake to put off Doublet and all in the corner of a Street , and for haste sake , as beforesaid , never took notice how his Doublet fell ; so that he discharged his Gun just in his sleeve of his Doublet , and did not know it neither ; and fearing any should come by , he hastened away , and put on his Doublet again : and when he had thrust in his Arm , he thrust with his fist all the powder that came out of his Gun ; and finding himself in this sweet powder pickle , instead of going to School , he was forced to go home to mundifie himself , which when it came to be known , there was an Adjective added to his Surname for a long time after ; that had an Sh. at the beginning . Probatum est . 111. A rich Knight in the Country , that was covetous withal , had a Daughter whose Name was Grace , that was very handsome , and indeed of good humor , witty , and well bred , which a young man had a kindness for ; but having no Fortune , durst not presume further than joking ; and having heard the Knight say that he would make his Daughter worth 2000 l. he in a frolick comes to him , and knowing him to be very covetous , told him that he knew how to save him 500 l , in a business ; and this young man was a Lawyers Clerk , and therefore he thought he might discover something about the Law wherein he might stand him in some stead , and so bid him very welcome , and invited him to dinner : And after dinner bid his Wife give him some Sweet-meats , and the wet went into his mouth , but the dry made a sally into his Pocket ; and after having fill'd both belly , pocket , and mind , with good meat , sweet-meats , and good welcome , the Knight told his Wife what a good Friend he was to him , and how he knew that he could save him 500 l. in a business , which made his Wife the more earnest to know it ; and being all three sate down in the Couch together , and Mrs. Grace in another Chair by , the Knight ask'd him wherein he could do him that courtesie as he spoke of ? Why thus I can do it Sir , says he , I am certainly informed that you will give in marriage with your Daughter Grace 2000 l. and I am willing to take her with 1500 l. The Knight hearing what he said , began to curse and swear ; then the Gentleman thankt him for his Sweet-meats ; no says he , thank my Wife for them : But after that , for the conceits sake , Mrs. Grace had a great kindness for him : For fear of which they instantly clapt up a match for her , but 't is confidently said that the Lawyers Clerk ( who indeed was a Gentleman ) made her frequent Visits , and with allowance of the Female , but whether of the new married Male , I know not . Probatum est . 112. A Lady in this Kingdom hearing that a Lady , that was a Person of Quality , did much long for Oysters , she then sent a Foot-man of hers , that was an Irish-Man , to the said Lady with a Barrel of Oysters , and as he was going , he met an Arch Wag by the way , who askt him whither he was going ? Then he told him : O Donniel , says he , you must gut them before you go , or else they will Poyson the Lady ; I Predde , says he , show me how to do it ? So the Fellow took them and opened them , and took out all the Oysters and put them into a Wooden Dish that was by , and then put all the Shells again into the Barrel : Now , says he , you may carry them , for they are all Gutted : E Fait , said Donniel , for this Kindness I 'll give thee a pint of Wine out of the Vails that I shall have of my Lady : but I know not how they were accepted . 113. A Blind Man inviting another Blind Man to Supper : Methinks , says the Blind Host , this Candle burns dim : So methinks too , says the Blind Guest : Wife , says he , mend this light with a Pox t' ye , that we may see the better to chuse our meat . Then she being a very obedient and obliging Woman , put the Candle quite out , and presently clapt down two empty Candlesticks upon the Table , because she knew her Husbands feeling was good still : Now Husband , says she , how d' ye like it ? I marry , says he , now 't is light indeed , Come Neighbour fall to and welcome : And after Supper he bid his Wife light the Guest out-a-doors : Myself you mean , says she , No , I mean him ; Why says she , he 's blind Why then you whore , has he not the more need of light ? 114. Though age and youth can never agree yet once I knew two young and two old folks agree like Lambs together for divers years : and thus it was , An old Woman lov'd a young Man and married him ; and likewise an old Man loved a young Woman and he maried her and they were both coupled made of his Estate now his Father was dead ? He told him that he made more in one year than his Father did in twenty , for he made but Five hundred pound a year of it , but I made Ten thousand pound of it in one years time : O , says he , then I find that you were so good a Husband , that you sold it a year after your Fathers death ; and I question now whether you will make any thing of it at all before the twenty years be at an end . 118. Two Widdows that were devillish Scolds and very litigious , had spent great store of Money in Law , about a frivolous thing : a friend comes to one of them , and told her , that her Enemy had removed her Suit into the Chancery : Well , says that Virago , let her remove it to Hell , I am sure I shall have a Lawyer to follow it ; for I am sure some of 'em has followed me to Hell for a Dinner . 119. A Man once askt a sottish Fellow where he lay ? He told him he lay at the Three Cups in Breadstreet : Faith , says he , thou might'st well have left out Bread-street , for whether thou do'st Sup or Dine , e're thou goest to bed , thou 't be in thy Cups . 120. Some Gentlemen were the last Christmas at a Friends House making merry together , and four of the Company being at Cards together at a Table , where one was as it were lockt in , and could not get out , without disturbing the rest of the company : and being an arch Wag , he desired the Mistress of the House to let her Maid do him but a small Courtesie ; she told him yes , with all her hear : so he wink'd upon the company not to laugh , nor take any notice of his Conceit at all , but follow their game : then he spoke to the Girl ( which was not above 14 years of age , and newly come out of the Country , and a very innocent poor Soul ) and intreated her that she would but do him so much kindness ( in regard he could not come forth himself ) as to go into the yard and make water for him ; with that the Girl began to blush , but her Mistress ( to keep up the humour kept her countenance also ) and said to the Girl , Hussey , if you can , go and do it the Gentleman ; for you see he can't well come out himself : Truly forsooth , says she , I can't indeed , for I made my water but just now in our back Kitchin. Which set them all a laughing , and the poor Girl a crying ; but the Gentleman gave her six pence to pacifie her : Probatum est . 121. A Humorous Country Knight gave his Man that waited on him this Charge , that he should never say any thing to him but what he askt him ; a little after he invited two Gentlemen to his Childs Christening , his Man accordingly went to 'em , and acquainted them with it ; they bid him thank his Master , but to let him know they were prae-engaged and could not come that day ; and the Knight stay'd an hour later then ordinary for their coming , but seeing they came not , he askt his Man if he had spoke to ' em ? Yes , says he , but they said they could not come : You Rogue , says he , why did not you tell me so before ? Why truly Sir , says he , because you did not ask me . 122. A Parson in a Parish was thought to be more familiar than ordinary with a Woman who had Ten Children , and she told her Husband that Nine were his and no more . Well , says he , I never denied the Clergy their due , and will not begin now to break that Custom ; for I 'll keep the Nine and give the Tenth for his Tithe , as being rightly due to him . 123. A man was saying , That such a man had an ill opinion of him . O Sir , says another , there 's your mistake ; for I 'll assure you he stands well in his own conceit . By my troth , says a third , so he had need ; for he stands so in no body's else but his own . 124. Says a Fellow , that had lost one of his Ears at Newcastle , for no goodness 't is thought ; when one told him a Story , 'T is in at one oar , and out at t'other . By my troth , says the other , then there 's a great deal of wonder in the travel of these Tales , for thy two Ears be two hundred miles asunder . 125. Says a mad Fellow , T is credibly reported that the Devils dead , I wonder who shall inherit his Land ? O , says a man ( that it seems had a very good woman to his — Wife ) that shall my Wife ; for I am sure she is the nearest a kinn . The Devil she is , says t'other . 126. Two Scholars in the University , the one a great Eater , and the other a small , says he that eat least , This small diet will make us good Scholars . T is true , says t'other , and this thin Dinner will make me study indeed that is , to make me study to get more meat , when this is gone . 127. A Widdow in Norwich did desire a Gossipping Neighbour of hers to get her a Husband , not for any carnal desire she had , but only to look to her Estate ; which I find too great and troublese me to look after my self ; and about three days after the Woman came and acquainted her that she had provided her a very good husband , that was rich , discreet , and very industrious , but only wants you know what ; which I am sure you regard not as you told me before . Why truly , says she , these are all very good qualities , yet I would not have him to lack any thing , that if we chance to fall out may make us friends agen . By which you may understand that her Gossip lost her three days labour . 128. A Man chiding his Wife , told her , That she could call nothing hers , but her Ring , Fillet , and Hair-lace , nay her very Breech was none of hers ; Which the good and harmless Woman understanding , one night let som'thing drop into the Bed , which having found out by the smell , askt her what was the Cause of her so doing ? She told him , That whilest she thought her Breech hers , she had a command over it ; but being his , she could not rule another Bodies body ; Tar-box for that , dear Husband . 129. A little Boy being a cutting some Bread and Butter , says his Brother to him , Why did you not cut me some , when you were a cutting some for your self , you Bastard you ? What , says he , d' ye call my Mother Whore , you Son of a Bitch . If I am the Son of a Bitch then you are a Whelp ; And so are you , you Puppy , says t'other . 130. A Scholar coming home from Cambridge to his Father , his Father askt him what he had learnt ? Why Father , says he , I 'll prove that this Capon is better than the blessing of God. How Zon , says he , come let 's hear it ; Why thus , Father , says he , nothing you know is better than the blessing of God , and this Leg of the Capon is better than nothing ; Ergo ▪ Tarbox , thou meanest , says his Father . And well , and what else canst thou do ? Why , says he , I 'll prove these two Chickens to be three ; thus , here 's one : Well , says his Father , and here 's another , that 's two : Well , says he , and is not one and two three ? Well , says his Father , you have spoke very well , here Wife , do thee take one , and I 'll take t'other ; and and our Zon shall have the third , cause he found it out . 131. A humorous and rich Ignoramus , did pretend much to speak conceited words , and his usual word was , I think so too ; So he askt a poor Gentleman one day ( that us'd to visit for a Dinners sake ) how old he was ? He told him as old as his little finger ; and after he had paused a little while , In troth says he , I think so too ; for I must study long before I can find out your conceits . Then the Gentleman told him , that such a Lord had done for him more than he deserved ; then says t'other I think so too . And another told me that I was a wise man ; but says he , I know to the contrary ; for I am a fool : I think so too , says the Humourist . And another told me I was an Intruding Knave ; says t'other , I think so too . Well , says he , I see you are good natur'd , for whatsoever I think you think so too . That makes you visit me so often , for the love I bear to you , for I love your company better than — Than what ? Than my meat . O , says he , you have given me many wipes to day . Why yes says he , I hope you allow me as great a priviledge as you do my Napkins : For you see that they wipe you often . 132. After some Thieves had robb'd a Gentleman of a great deal of Money , a Watch and Ring , and good Cloths , that were in the Portmantua : Sir , says his Man ( which was very ingenious ) nust I give them the hundred pound in Gold which is quelted in my Breeches too ? Yes , says his Master , by all means , for they are very civil persons , and have eas'd me and my horses of a great deal of luggage and trouble . This is to let us see what happiness it is to have so good and discreet a Servant as his Man was . 133. A Fellow in the County of Kent was so very poor , that he could not get Victuals to put into his Head ; he began to despair , and took a Rope and went to hang himself ; and as he was going to a Tree to do the Execution , he spied where some great Treasure was hid ; which he immediately took away , and left the Halter in the place ; and a little after the Owner of the Treasure came to take a view of it , as was his daily custom , and finding it to be gone , for very grief he takes the Halter and Hangs himself ; but I think he deserves to be Hang'd agen , because he Hang'd himself contrary to Law. 134. A great and discreet Lady was one day disputing with a Physician , and askt him why he did always prescribe either Asses or Goats Milk for one in a Consumption ? For , says she , truly I think that the Milk of a Cow should be far better ; as having better flesh & better feeding , and always breeds better blood and humors . No Madam , says the Physitian , I do not approve of your opinion by any means , unless the Patient be a Calf . 135. A good sufficient man that liv'd in the Suburbs of London , amongst other things of his Estate , had a good large Field before , and then had newly purchased two Fields more ; which made a Gentleman say that he had purchased More-Fields . 136. One meeting a mad Fellow that was drunk , askt him whither he was going ? says he , I am going to the Tavern : No , says t'other , that you are not ; for Drunkenness is the way to Hell , and thither you are going . Puh , says the Drunkard , you are therein much mistaken ; and I ne'r fear that , for I am so drunk , that my Legs are not able to carry me so far ; and what need I go thither agen , for I came from the Devil ( Tavern ) but now . 137. A man was telling very soberly to an Arch wag , that such a Venison Pasty was an excellent good one , and that he was very sorry it was eaten ; and could find in his heart to write an Epitaph upon it : then he told him that he must write his Epitaph in the House of Office , for there 't was buried . 138. A fair young Lady being upon occasion at the Assizes in Oxford ; and seeing the Sheriff , who was a very fair young Gallant , to wait upon the Judge , that was an old man , to and fro , as there was occasion ; her friend askt her , if she was put to her choice , which she had most mind to marry ; the Judge or the Sheriff ? She told him the Sheriff . Why so ? says he . Why truly , says she , I do confess I love Judgment well , but I love Excution much better . 139. In former times , when first they wore high-crown'd Hatts , every one began to spend their Verdicts on it ; One said they were like Pyramids , a second like Sugar-loaves ; but a third told them plainly they were like Close-stool-pans ; and if the old Philosophers were alive , they 'd wonder to see men put their Heads where their Tails should be ; and therefore 't was certain t was no new Fashion : but Hats that came from their Predecessors , and so by consequence Intail'd Hatts ; and I think I ha 't now . 140. Some French-men seeing a man standing stock-still in the High-way in the midst of the rain , they askt him why he stood so ? Why , says he , d' ye think I am mad to ride in the Rain as you do ? Why says they , Ma foy y' are quite wet . Indeed Gentlemen , says he , y' are much mistaken ; for I will assure you that I have never a dry thred wet about me : Nor a wet thred dry , I 'll swear , says another . 141. A confident Physitian demanded mony of another , for a Brother of his that was his Patient , and had been dead many years before ; the Gentleman told him , indeed that 't was a work of Charity to visit the sick ( which did belong to his profession ) but if he was in such hast , and so earnest for money , it were best for him to go and visit the Dead ; and then he might be confident he should never want money more . 142. A confident bold Fellow at a Nisiprius in the Countrey , having a Trial then in Law , and fearing that the Trial would go against him , said to the Judge , My Lord I do not desire your Sentence now , but only your Opinion at the present ; and I will wait upon your Lordship for Judgment at some other time . Well , says the Judge , if you 'd only have my Opinion now , why then my Opinion , is That if you had had Judgment to be hang'd seven years ago , the Country would have been more quiet then now it is . Well , my Lord , says he , if this be your Opinion , then your Judgement and mine doth not suit at all ; so that I 'le have nothing to do with you , but go to another Judge . 143. A Gentleman being at Dinner with some others with powdered Beef and Mustard , he having too much mustard at one time on his Meat , made him shed tears in a plentiful manner ; then an old Gentlewoman ask't him , Why he cried so ? He told her because his Grandfather died that day one and twenty years , and about that time a day . After Dinner , and the Gentleman gone , says the Gentlewomans Maid to her Mistress , that then waited at the Table , who was newly come out of the Countrey ; Truly forsooth Mistriss , says she , methinks that Gentleman that dined here , is a very good condition'd man , as to be concerned so much for the death of his Grandmother , that died so many years ago . Probatum est . 144. A Fellow being so drunk , that he was fain to be carried home on mens Shoulders , as he was going , by chance he spied two men leading thorow the Street another Drunkard to his house also : when bursting out into a great passion , he said , Is it not a shame that men should be so drunk as to be led home ? He pretty heart it seems was so drunk , that he did not know that he was carrying home himself . 145. A modest Gentlewoman being compelled by her Mother to accuse her Husband of defect ; and being in the Court , she humbly desired of the Judge , That she might write her mind , and not to speak it , for Modestys sake : The Judge gave her that liberty , and a Clerk was presently commanded to give her Pen , Ink and Paper ; whereupon she took the Pen without dipping of it into the Ink , and made as if she would write ; says the Clerk to her , Madam , There 's no Ink in your Pen. Truly Sir , says she , that 's just my case , and therefore I need not explain my self any further . 146. A crafty Fellow being extremely in debt , and being threatned by his Creditors , that they would have him if he was above ground , got himself into a Cellar , and there lay with the Tapster ; and being reproved for so doing , he told them there 's no fear of catching him there , because 't was under ground , and then they durst not break their Oaths , because they swore they would have him above Ground . 147. A Fellow being adjudg'd to lose his Ears for some notorious Crime , and being in prison , was visited ( though not sick ) by some friends , three or four days before he was to suffer ; then the visitants fell into a dispute about the loss of his Ears . One said the Ears were to be cut off by the root , another said only the tip , and they grew so hot upon this argument , that they fell together by the Ears ; which the Prisoner seeing , intreated them to be patient , for he told them within a week he should be able to resolve them the doubt . 148. An humorous ancient Gentleman was so much used to drink Burage , Balm , Bugloss , and other sorts of Garden Herbs in his Wine all the Summer , that when Winter came , and no herbs to be had , he could not drink without putting a green Ribbon into the Glass , which no doubt but gave him satisfaction both in taste and smell . 149. A very ingenious person set his Bottles in a Bucket down in a Well , to cool the Wine , and coming two hours after , to draw them up again , espied his and his Mans Image in the water ; upon which he ran in for his Sword , swearing that the Antipodes were drinking up his Wine ; but the man being as discreet as his Lord , told him that just as he went from the Well , one of them below ran away to fetch more company ; which made me draw them up before you came back again : and as I pull'd , so did he at bottom pull , yet I was too strong for him , and got 'em up : Well , says my Lord very discreetly , who 'd a thought that these Antipodes had been so near us : nay I no sooner go to the Well , but one of them stares me in the face : so that If I do but hold up my hand at him , he holds up his hand at me agen , but I 'll warrant 'em for catching any more of my Wine there agen . I am glad it was my fortune to find their roguery first . 150. Two Baboons being to be seen at their first coming to London , abundance of Citizens and others did resort thither to take a view of them , and did heartily laugh at their ugliness , and the strange faces which they made ; which a most motherly and very discreet woman being present , did sharply thus rebuke 'em : D' ye think you do well to laugh at strangers , who understand not your Language , and if you were in their Countrey , you 'd take it for a great abuse I warrant you if they should laugh at you : so that you see 't is a great happiness to have one wise woman among the rest . 151. Another discreet motherly woman also , being with her husband and other neighbours , invited to a Knights house , which was their Landlord in the Country ; and as they were going out of the Hall into the Parlor , there was a Jack-an-apes tied by a Chain at the Parlor door ; and as all the Tenants came in he would have a pluck and fling at 'em ; which this worthy woman seeing , very discreetly askt the Usher of the Hall what that young Gentleman was , and what his name was ? He told her 't was a Jack-an-apes ; then she very mannerly coming to go in , makes a very reverend Curtchy ; and says , By your leave Mr. Jack-an-apes . The Ape hearing her speak to him , began to chatter at her , and to pluck her more than all the rest ; at which she grew offended , and told him , let him be who he will , yet he was an ill bred man thus to affront an honest woman , who has been these Twenty years a Midwife in the Parish and my husband , I 'd have you to know was Constable within these three years ; but the Knight told her , what he did was but in jest , and he should do 't no more ; and so was removed from the Parlor door . 175. A Lady said to Oliver's Wife , when he had newly made a Knight , How can your husband make a Knight , when he is none himself : But , says she boldly , He is a Knight and shall be a Knight ; and he has dubb'd him so . O , says the new married Knight's wife , If I thought dubbing would have made him a Knight , I could a dubbed him my self ; and all the rest that were there did own what she said : for what need he have been at the charge of a Knights Fee , when we can dubb 'em our selves without any charges at all ; nay perhaps may get a Diamond Ring , or some other Rarity sometimes into the bargain : Tarbox for that too . 153. A well-bred woman being above-stairs , and her well-tutor'd Son below , then she call'd to him and said , Come up my Bird. What Bird mother , ? says this dutiful Son : Why Whores-Bird Sirrah , says she ; By my troth Mother , says he , I think you never spoke truer in your life . Why Sirrah , says she , if that be true , then you are a Bastard . Why Mother , though I be a Bastard . yet I am sure you are not a Whore : For how can she be a Whore , when he is only a Bastard ? 154. A Woman going to her Husbands funeral with several of her Neighbours , a Man among them , which was of the Parish too , came and whisper'd her in the Ear as she was going to Church ; which when the company saw , they thought it was a business of some great concernment ; but indeed it was to wooe her , Sir , says she , I thank you very kindly for your good-will , and do like you well enough ; and am very sorry also that you come too late ; for I 'll assure you I was made sure to another yesterday . 155. There 's a Proverb which says , The fair lasts all the year , said a Woman ; but says her Husband , My Dear , I can't in this years fair , sell thee for fair . It may be so , says she ; but I have the worst luck , for I can neither sell thee for fair nor foul . What 's the reason of that Wife ? says he : Why says she , my Mother always told me that no Cuckolds would off in a Fair ; for she could never put off her Husband there : and yet she was as honest a woman as any in the parish , though I say it , that should not say it . 156. It seem'd one Doll was brought before a Judge for some Crime or other , which all believed was true , yet they could not prove it : says Jone to her , Faith Doll how didst come off ? Why , says Doll , I set a good face on 't . By my troth , then says Jone , thou didst borrow it ; for I am sure thou never hadst one of thy own . Says Doll , if I can have one for borrowing , what need I keep one of own ? 157. God sends fortune to Fools , said a Man to his Wife : No Indeed , says his Wife , for he made you a Fool , but 't was I that gave you your fortune : which will send you to that place where the Devils can't come at you : For you know my dear Husband , That all Cuckolds go to Heaven . 158 A Scholar in Oxford was often sent to by a Citizen there for Money , which he pretended was due to him , and finding his answer not according to expectation he took the boldness and went to him himself , and modesty said to him in private : Sir , There 's some Money betwixt you and I. Say you so , says the Scholar , I pray where is it ? we 'll divide it if you please . Sir , says he , I have taken your word for it hitherto . Truly , says he , so you are like to do till you are paid . 159. Another time he hired a Horse of an Oxford Man for Two Shillings a day , and did engage that if the Horse came to any disaster , he would pay him the price of him ; which he said was Six pounds ; but after many sendings to and fro , it seems he did still remember to forget to pay him : and the Scholar having some occasion to go for London , was there met by a Bayliff , who very Ingeniously said to him , Sir I Arrest you for a Horse ; the more fool you , says he , do I look like a Horse ? Why then says he , I do Arrest you : Truly , says he , I thank you for that , for I am very weary with walking : Sir , says he , I do tell you I do Arrest you for Money : Why I know that , says he , for you won't do it without Money I am sure . At last says he , You Bailiffs are very idle fellows . Why so , says he , because says the Scholar , you are still Arresting , yet I must confess sometimes you take a great deal of pains in it . 160. Jane , says a Man to a Woman , I 'll give thee Ten Shillings if thou will not answer me with a lie : and when she had took it : says he , Tell me true is thy Husband a Cuckold or no ? upon this she answered him never a word ; and when he saw that he could not make her speak , he demanded his Ten Shillings again . Why , says she , did I make any lie to you ? No , says he . Then say's she , I have won the wager , and thou art ne'r the neer for thy question . Then he swore he would never talk with that Woman again , that can revile a man in speech , and in silence beguile him . 161. A Gentleman that used to be smart in his Repartees , once had in his Hat a very gallant and rich Knot , or Faver of Gold and Silver Ribbon ; which some young Ladies had a mind to , if they could get it handsomely without begging of it ; and so one of them said to him : Sir , you have a very fine Faver in your Hat ; and so they said all : Pray Madam , says he to the first , tell me truly do you like it ? Yes indeed Sir , says she . Why then , says he , if you had not lik't it , I would have flung it into the Fire , but since you say you like it , I pro test I like it the better , and am resolved to keep it for your sakes . 162. A Gentleman that had a great Wit , and well belov'd among the great ones , and therefore invited often among them ; but it seems had a very sore Leg ; he being at a Noble mans Table , greedily cat'd at a Goblet of Wine , says my Lord to him , Prithee Jack drink it not , for 't will hurt thy Leg. O my Lord , says he , take no care for my Leg , for I have care enough of that , for I always drink , o' the t'other side . 163. A Man that had a Woman to his Wife that was not much tongue-tied , and for her other imperfections the Man was much troubled , told her plainly , that if he were to be married agen , he 'd never marry a Woman agen with a Beetle-Brow . And I says she , had rather marry a Man with a Beetle Brow then a Beetle head . 164. One askt a Man where he liv'd ? He told him he liv'd between Ludgate and Newgate . No says t'other , I don't believe that , for you cannot live between 'em : because you must either live in Newgate or Ludgate ; or no where . Truly , says he , I 'd as live be no where as be there . 165. One was a saying also , that the Tapster and the Brewers Horse are both alike ; for , they both do draw Beer , but yet I must confess they do differ in this , That the Tapster draws Beer and drinks it ; but the Horse draws ; but drinks none . 167. A man that had been terribly troubl●d in Law-Suits , went one day to Tyburn , to see the Execution , and then swore , 't was better to have to do with Tyburn than Westminster-Hall ; for there Suits hang half a year , but at Tyburn half an hours hanging ends all . 168. A Simple Fellow , it seems before some Women did let a crack behind ; and then he brag'd and said , that he had a very good report behind his Back : 'T is true , says another , thy Tail can talk indeed , and yet it knows no Letter , for though thy Tongue can talk sweeter , yet thy Tail can talk much better ; for that has more wisdom in telling a Tale than thy Tongue , and commonly thy Back Tale is very long , and therefore every Body does desire to have an end of thy Tale as soon as they can , 169. A many Men sitting a drinking together , they were praising the Ale about England , as Marget Ale , and Hull Ale , and Cheshire Ale , and Lambeth Ale , &c. But one said there was in London to his knowledge , the best in all England : and yet says another , there 's as good Ale in England as in London . 170. A Man being very much diseas'd and weak , was bemoaning himself to his only Son , whom he lov'd very well . For Jack , says he , if I stand my Legs ake , if I kneel my Knees ake , if I go my Feet ake , if I lie then my back akes , if I sit my Hips ake , if I lean my Elbows ake . Why truly Father , says he , ( like a good dutiful Child ) I advise you Father to hang your self an hour or two , and if that does not do , then come to me agen . 171. Two Men were Vapouring what they could do more than t'other , at last one said Sirrah I can do more than thee : Indeed , says t'other , I believe it , and I must yield to him , for he can kiss my Belly behind , which I cannot do . Well then , says t'other , then I am the bravest Fellow , for I can do more than you . 172. A Deaf Man was selling Pears at the Towns end in St. Gileses , and a Gentleman riding out o' th Town , askt him what 't was a Clock ? He said Ten a Penny Master : Then he askt him agen what 't was a Clock ? He told 'em indeed he could afford no more . You Rogue , says he , I 'll kick you about the streets , then says the man , Sir if you wo'nt another will. 173. A man in the North having been to Christen a Child being something in Drink , he was askt , whether it was a Boy or a Girl ? Indeed says he , I cannot tell . Then they askt him the name Faith says he , I have forgot that too , if it had one ; but I well remember I heard the Minister talk of Creeds and Commandements , and such kind of things which I never heard of before ; and that made me not mind it at all ; Why had the Child no name then ? Troth , says he , I can't tell that neither . 174. A Woman when she gave her Grand-Child her Blessing , would always bid her bestow her Maiden-head well ; and one day being a Milking , a neighbours Son of hers passed by , being a hansome young-man , and askt her what he should give her for her Maiden-head ? she told him her Grand-mother bid her not sell it , but bestow it well . Why , says he , you can't bestow it better than upon me . So she being very good natur'd , let him have it ; and being come home , told her Grand-mother what she had done : Out you Jade , says she , I did not mean so ; but since he has got it , I charge thee on my Blessing to go back agen to him and fetch it ; for no Man will marry you if your Maidenhead be g●n● : So she came back and told him what her Grand-mother said ( for I 'd have you to know , says she , that she is an understanding woman ) which made him seem much troubled : Nay , nay says she , I must have it ; and then he like a good natur'd fellow , gave it her agen ; which it may be some other men would not have done . 175. A Gentleman that was not accounted a Philosopher , and a Man of slow speech also ; had a very great desire to be dabbling with a pretty Young Woman that was a Vintners Widdow , who was a Woman of a smart Wit : Then he call'd for a Bottle of Sack , and sent for her , but she came not , and another , but she came not ; but after three Bottles up she came ; and having with Two or Three more with her , si●ten a pretty while with him , he askt what was to Pay ? Answer was made an Angel : That is Ten Shillings in our Country , says she . Methinks , says he , the word Angel had been better , because it came from you : Come Sir , says she , since you say so , we 'll have some Mirth before we part . Then she told 'em there was a Creature that spoke but once , and when it died it went neither to Heaven nor to Hell : he could not tell the meaning of it , then she told him it was Balaams Ass ; for an Angel opened his mouth , but I think we must have Two Angels to open yours ; and I am sure here is but one Angel in yet : Come Boy give us more Sack , which will be the only way to bring in the other Angel to open his mouth . 176. A Man and his Wife , that formerly had liv'd well together , grew to be poor , and both of 'em lov'd the Pot well ; and it happened that a friend of hers met her and gave her Six-Pence ; so she came home with joy to her Husband , saying to him . What shall we have my dear Husband , for we are rich now : Wife , says he , 't is your own , do what you will with it : Why then , says she , let me see wee 'll have , stay , we will have , now I think on 't , a Groats worth Bread and Two pence Drink : Do what you will , sweet-heart , says he , 't is your own . Then she goes out of doors and comes back agen saying , No , now I think on 't Husband , wee 'll have Four penny-worth of Drink and Two penny-worth of Bread ? Do what you please , says he , Sweet-heart , 't is your own : Out she goes agen , but comes in presently : O Husband , says she , now I think better on 't , I am resolved to have Five penny worth of Drink , and penny in Bread : Do what you please my dear , says he , for 't is your own : Then out she goes and comes immediately back agen : I am now fully resolved to have it all in Drink , and beg a Toast of them . O dear Wife , says he , now thou hast won my Heart for ever : Come I 'll give thee a Buss , but be sure to let us have it , quick , quick , quick , you Rogue : Well Sweet-heart , says he , how happy it was that thou wentest out to day . 177. A Gentleman lately walking in the Strand , was followed by a lusty begger , who crav'd his benevolence , he told him he 'd give him nothing ; still he urg'd him he bid him be gone , and trouble him no more : then he importun'd him the more . Sirrah , says he , you Rogue , I 'll not give you a Farthing . Pray Sir , says the Fellow , let me speak but one word to you ; What 's that ? says he , That your Worship would but procure me a Whore. Why you Rogue , says he , do I look like a Pandar ? No Sir , he said , but there 's a Wise Man has said , that a Whore will bring a Man to a Morsel of Bread , which I should be glad of ; for I profess Sir , I have seen none these three days . Which conceit of his procur'd him a Shilling , and then the Gentleman went away . Well , says the Fellow , I see that a Whore has a great Influence upon some Men , when but the Name of a Whore has now got me a Shilling : I did love them pretty well formerly , but now I shall love 'em the better as long as I live . 178. A Nobleman once told his Fool , that if he could but tell him what Sir John Falstaffs Christen name was , he 'd settle Eight Pound a year upon him for his Life , and he should Marry the Dairy Maid , who he lov'd dearly : Woo't I' faith Lord , says the Fool. I that I will , says the Lord : Swear it Lord , swear it , says he . I protest I will , says my Lord : Well stay a little then ; says he , Sir John , what , says he , why Sir John Falstaffs Christen name : Nay , says my Lord , I 'll tell you further , his Name is Falstaffe , and he was Christened John ; now tell me what Sir John Falstaff's Christen Name is . And after he had walkt Two or Three times about the Room , my Lord urg'd him to tell him : Prithee Lord , says he , tell me his Name once agen ; why his Name was Falstaffe , and he was Christ'ned John , Now tell me his Christen Name ? At last , after half an hours pawsing : Now Lord I have it , I have it , says he ; for I can tell what Sir John Falstaffs Christen name was , and shall I have Eight pound a year ? Yes , and Doll too , I that thou shalt , I protest , says he , agen . Why then , says he , bear Witness , for I have hit on it now : Sir John Falstaff's Christen Name was , he was Christened Sir John Falstaffe : Look you there you Rogues , who 's a Fool now : Hey for Doll , O brave Doll , she 's my own , I 'll go and buss her now , for she 's mine own you Rogue . 179. A Drunken Fellow one Night was taking a Pipe of Tobacco , and being so reeling ripe , he could not hit the Candle with his Pipe to light it , which he finding , took up the Candle in his hand , and at last put the Pipe into the Candlestick instead of the Candle , and then put the Candle into his Mouth instead of the Pipe ; and after he had suckt a pretty while , and finding no smoak come , but the sweet Tallow melting in his Mouth , he Swore a great Oath that the Pipe-maker had not burnt it ; for 't was perfectly Clay still ; and therein he said true ( for how could the Candle be burnt when it was whole and unburnt ) and this Rogue of a Pihe-maker , says he , has also forgot to make a hole in it too ? A pox on 't , says he , I might a suckt long enough , and so flung it away . 180. A Country Fellow coming into London , had a broken Groat in his pocket , and came to a Goldsmiths Shop , and putting off his Hat very low , did desire of the Prentice that he would give him a little piece of Silver as big as a Hazel Nut , to soder it agen , and when you come into our Countrey , says he , I 'll give you a piece of Lead shall be ten times as big ; the Prentice told him he had something else to do : What a Pox , says he , d' ye keep open Shop for , if you won't part with any of your Goods ? Says t'other , My Goods will prove but bad , if I should part with 'em in this manner . 181. A company of merry wags were got together at a Club , among which were bandied to and fro many smart reparties ; but one among the Company , that thought himself a great Wit , and indeed I think so too ; for one askt him very seriously , Whether he thought he was his own Mother's Son ? Truly , says he , Gentlemen , I am not certain , but I believe I am , for you know , that are wits , 't is a hard question . Then he was askt by another , whether he thought he was his own Fathers Son ? Faith. says he , I can't well tell , but for ought I know I am : for how can I be sure of that ? Upon which they all fell a Laughing : Why Gentlemen , says he , very discreetly , 'T is a wise Child that knows his own Father . 182. An Old Woman that had never seen a Jack-an-apes in her Life before , and coming to Bedford to the Market , saw one riding on a Dogs back , and the Dog running away with him : Says she , I am afraid that Young Gentleman will fall by and by , he rides so fast ; and when she saw he did not , then she cried out , Well rid Young Gentleman , well rid Young Gentleman ; in truth he 's a good Horse-Man . 183. A Drunken Fellow in the Streets met with an ●ncient acquaintance of his , and desired him to lend him an Angel , and I don't doubt but I shall pay pou within a month agen ; he askt him how ? He told him he had a great swelling in his Neck , and he hoped it was the Kings-Evil ; which if it were , then the King would give him an Angel , with which he would pay him . 184. An Old Man bringing his Son to be catechized at Easter , the Minister thought the Old Man needed more instruction than his Son , and askt him who made him ? the Old Man said he had forgot 't was so long since he was made : says the Minister , 't is a shame for you at these years to let your Child know more than your self : I think so indeed , says he , for he was but lately made , and 't is above Fourscore Years since I was made . Well , says the Minister , how many Commandments are there ? He said he thought about Four or Five : Fie , says the Minister , there 's Ten. Vaith says he , I thought you 'd bring 'em to Ten , because you 'd have the Tithe : Why , Old Man , says the Minister , I tell thee again there 's Ten : Why then , says he , there 's a goodly Company of them . Well Friend , says he , how many Sacraments are there ? Why , says the Old Man , there 's Four. Which are they ? says the Minister : Why , says the Old Man , there 's Christmas , Easter , Whitsuntide , and our Wake . And so went out a-doors , as taking it for an affront to be catechized at that Age ; and well he might , for you see he understood well enough what he said . 185. A Notorious but cunning Thief , being arraigned before a Judge for a great Crime , the Judge askt him what answer he made to his Accusation : Truly my Lord , says he , I find 't is a foul matter , and I desire to hear no more on 't ; for which being reproved for his impudent sawciness ; he swore he would bind the Judge over to the Peace , because he stood in fear of his Life by his means : Well , says the Judge , you shan't sleep in peace to Night for that conceit ; and so commanded that he should be laid in Irons , Pray my Lord , says he , let me go about my business , for I never wronged you in my Life , and therefore you have nothing to do with me ; for I am going to receive some Money to pay my Debts ; for I owe my Landlord and several others a great deal of Money , and they 'l arrest me as I go by in the Cart ; and I would willingly pay my debts before I am hang'd , and I think that 's the part of an honest man ; though it may be you don't think so . 186. Another time a Thief was going to the Gallows out of the Town , near Norwich , and many Boys were running to see the Execution ; which he seeing , call'd to 'em , saying , Boys you need not make such haste , for there will be no sport till I come . What , says a man , is there but one to be hang'd , I 'll go home agen : D' ye hear Friend , says he , you need not go home , for if you like it so well , pray come and supply my place , for I can afford you a good penny-worth on 't . 187. A Witty Fellow , that was Clerk to Two Justices of Peace in Olivers days , that for a Bribe us'd to help Delinquents at a dead lift ; and being once speaking of the Two Justices , he said one was the craftiest and subtlest Fellow in the World , but the other an arrant Dance ; and said he had as much a-do to conceal a business from the one , as to make the other understand it . 188. A Gentleman intending to dine and be merry with some others , did bespeak a Leg of Pork well powdered against such a day ; and she , poor heart , spared no Salt upon it , and made it so Briny , that it would have fir'd a Palate of Ice : and the day being come that they should eat it , the Gentleman that bespoke it , cut a piece , and put a bit on 't in his Mouth , and immediately spit it out agen , and threw the Dish and Pork against the ground . The company that had kept their Stomacks for that Pork all that day , askt him the cause why he did so ? Why , says he , I bid the Salt Bitch corn me a Leg of Pork well , and she has brought in a Limb of Lots Wife : Truly Sir , says she , I gave it but a little Salt , but I must confess I bought the Hog of a Man of Saltwich , where it seems it was bred and born ; and I think that is the chiefest cause of its saltness . D' ye see , says he , how this Bitch does bring a Witch to excuse her self . 189. A Discourse rose at a Dinner among some Merchants , about their loving Wives ; and one said his Wife was the most affectionate Woman in the World , and for the Evidence of it , he had often heard her swear ; Nay when ever I rose out of the Bed in a Morning before her , she would always convey her self into my warm place ; so much she lov'd the very heat and impression I had made : Puh , says a Wag to him , this that you evidence , is an infallible token against you ; for it seems she lov'd your room better than your company . 190. A Country Woman sent her Son Three or Four Miles off to her Landlords House with a New-Years-Gift upon New Years-day , where the Boy was never before , and being in the Kitchin , he there saw a Dog turning of the Spit , which was it seems a strange thing to the Boy ; so he stood loytring to stare upon that and other fine things which he saw there , that he staid it seems longer than ordinary ; for which his Mother beat him lustily when he came home : O Mother , says he , if you had been there , you would have stay'd as long as I , for it would have done your heart good to see how a Dog in a Wheel did spin Roast-Meat : Nay Mother he did reel too , that is when he was weary , which was much Mother to see a Dog spin and reel ; I am sure 't was more than our Maid Jone could do when she came to you first . Now Mother I hope chave sartified you , and when I go thither agen , if I should stay long , pray Mother don't beat me agen . 191. A Ridiculous and Impudent Fellow , being laught at by all that came into his company , told 'em he had a certain quality , which was to laugh at all that laught at him ; Faith , says one of his Companions , then thou livest the merriest life of any man in Christendome ; for I never saw any man that ever came in thy company but laught at thee : Why then , says he , I hope I please e'm if they laugh so heartily , and those that please are best lik'd of . 192. A Drunkard having but one of his Eyes left with Drinking , was warned by Physicians to leave off tipling , or else he 'd lose the other Eye also : Faith , says he , I care not if I do ; for I do confess ingeniously I have seen enough , but I have not drank enough : Ergo. 193. Another reverend Drunkard having spent about Fifteen hundred Pounds a year in Drink , nay , was so much addicted to it that he counted all those his enemies that did perswade him against it ; yet one took the boldness upon him as to upbraid him for such extravagency . Puh , says he , what you thrust in at one Ear goes out at t'other . Nay , I 'll tell you more than I am perswaded you know , for I also have spent above Ten thousand pounds in ready cash in Drink besides , and yet I have not drink enough Boys . For Drinking that , will make one fat , and brisk as Cat or Mouse , or Rat , and when I ha 't — it makes me chat , like little Brat , that sits on the Mat. 194. An Old Man being to swear in a Cause before a Judge , the Judge bid him beware that he did not forswear himself ; and told him if he did , he might be confident the Devil would have him : Truly my Lord , says he , I hope the Devil will have nothing to do with me , for I have given him my Eldest Son already , and I hope he will content himself with him , for I think one out of a Family is enough for him ; Then the Judge bid him explain himself more clearly : Why truly , my Lord , says he , I have made my Eldest Son a Lawyer , for I believe that all of that Profession goes to the Devil ; for the Devil himself you know it is said has been a Lawyer from the beginning : A Lyer you mean , says the Judge , Why , says he , a Lawyer and a Lyer is all one , I hope ; or else we are all mistaken in our opinions . 195. A Mayor of a Town in this Kingdom , that had been a Cavalier , and when the King was restored , beg●n a Health to the King upon his Knee , purposely to fetch a Fanatick Alderman down upon his : but the Alderman ( being a crafty man ) contrary to all mens expectations , pledg'd it with seeming zeal on both his knees ; at which the Mayor wonder'd ( and was much concerned that he did not begin it on both his Knees also ) and askt him , why he did not do as he began it , on one Knee , but must do it on both Knees ? Why truly Mr. Mayor , says he , one Knee was in Honour of the King , and the other was to ask God forgiveness for so doing : What , says he , d' ye ask God forgiveness for doing the King Honour : No , says he , not for that , but because I pledg'd a Health on that which I confess I ought to Pray on . Probatum est . 196. Divers French Courtiers , passing over the New Bridge at Paris in France , spied a blind Man a begging there , with the Balls of his Eyes so fair , that they thought him a Counterfeit ; then an Earl among them , being indeed a Bastard to a great Prince there , said he would try the Experiment ; for if he can see he must needs know me , for I do daily pass by here ; upon which he went immediately to the Begger , and pull'd him by the Nose ; at which the Begger roar'd out , and call'd him him Bastardly Rogue : Look you there now , says he , did not I tell you he counterfeits ; he could never have known me else . But the Count was much mistaken , for the Beggar was really blind , and that word Bastard was a common word which he had daily in his mouth to every one that did affront him , as you see this Count did . 197. There 's an University in France , where any Man may proceed Doctor for Mony , though he be utterly unlearned : It happened that an Ignorant German came thither , and having ( for his better Progress in his degree he hoped to take ) invited the Doctor of the Chair to Supper , the German being a little Fluster'd , askt the Doctor if he would take Money , to make his Horse a Doctor too ? Yes , says he , I may make a Horse a Doctor as well as an Ass , and so by consequence your Horse as well as your self . 198. A Gallant being a Suiter to a Rich Widow ; when ever he went to wait upon her in the Country where she lived , he would hire one Man or other to wait upon him thither , and never came twice with one Man ; at last the Gallant being to go into the West , came to take his leave of the Widow , and when he had done , I pray Sir , says she , give me leave to take my leave of your Man too ? He asked her what she meant by that ? O , says she , there 's more reason that I should take my leave of him than of you , for happily I may see you agen , but am confident I shall never see your Man agen : Why , Widow , says he , this is a great mistake in you now , for these that have waited upon me hither , are all my own Servants that I keep at Board wages , purposely to attend me and look to my Horses ; and the reason why I brought not one Man twice , was because thou shouldest see that 't was a Man of Fortune came to wooe thee , by keeping so many Servants as I do ; and when we are married , my dear Widow , then thou shalt see them all together , and not before : Well Sir , says she , I believe you say truly . 199. Two Gentlemen standing together , a very beautiful Woman pass'd by , upon which one of them said , There goes the handsomest Woman that ever I saw . She hearing him , turned back , and seeing him very ugly , said , Sir , I would I could in way of requital say as much by you : Faith , says he , so you may , and lie as I did . Here followeth some Probable Stories told by several Persons in a Room together . 200. A Gentleman in North-wales was standing in a Sun-shiny day , upon a high rock near the Sea-side in those parts ; and as he was looking about , he saw an Island some Four miles from the shore or thereabouts , upon which Island he spy'd two Hares playing one with another : Well , says he , are you got over there now ; for I am sure I cours'd you both yesterday with my two Greyhounds , and then you shew'd me a trick , but now I 'll shew you one . So he went immediately home , and fetch 't his two Greyhounds , and a great Morter-piece which he had of a Thousand pound weight , which he fastened between the two Dogs Necks ; but he was forc'd to fasten a Cord to it also , lest the Dogs might run away with it ; and when they had carry'd it to the Rock aforesaid , he charg'd the Morter-piece , and presently the two Greyhounds slipt into it ( for it seems they had been used to it ) which two Greyhounds he ram'd in very well , and then discharg'd the Morter-piece with no hurt at all to the Greyhounds , ( for you must know he shot with white Powder ) and it so happened that says he , I protest t' ye Gentlemen , ( upon my honest word and credit 't is true ) that the two Grey-hounds each lighted upon a Hare as they were playing , and then kill'd 'em and immediately left the Island , and swam through the Sea with the Hares in their Mouths , which were one boiled and t'other roasted for my Dinner . The one askt him what colour his Greyhounds were ? He swore they were both black before , but the White Powder did so change their colour , that they were both turn'd grey ; and so from them all of their kind were called Grey-hounds , for their sakes , to this day . They told him they thought this probable enough to be improbable . O Gentleman , says he , far be it from me to tell you a lie , for if you won't believe me , pray ask the two Dogs , 201. Another was saying , that once upon a time , it was his fortune to be in Hide-Park , where he saw several Races run ; and at length , says he , I undertook to run a Race with my little Galloway Nag , with another of that size , a Race of a mile long for Five pound : And just as we were riding with full speed , he that rode with me was on the right hand , and so past by the Coach ; but my poor Galloway seeing he could not pass for the Coach ( and being a cunning Jade , and unwilling that his Master should lose ) for if he did , he thought he should fare the worse for it at night ; presently cast me off his back , and leapt quite thorow the Coach himself ( notwithstanding it went a great pace ) but it was done so nimbly and so dexterously , that all admir'd , and so well 't was ordered , that just as he came thorow the Coach , when he came out , he catcht me directly upon his back agen on the other side of the Coach , and though 't was done so hastily , yet the other got ground of us ; but my Horse so handled his Legs , that without Switch or Spur I won the wager . Now , says he , shew me such a Galloway Nagg in England agen ; then they all told him 't was very much , and more than they could have believed , if he had not told it . 202. Another swore , that he in his Travels round about the World , which he had encompast Three times and half in Seven years time , but could not finish the other half , because he fell very Sick , and so was forc't to return back agen ; and in his return he came into a Kings Court , but I cannot for my life remember the place , because I have been in so many ; and there , says he , I saw a Lute of a very great bigness , and Thirty Ells long , bating only three inches , and Three broad , and swore that the least string upon it was bigger than his Thumb . Then they askt him how it possibly could be plaid on ? He told them that a Man and his Wife that were Gyants ( of which there 's abundance in that Country ) had Two large Iron Bows , made each with Eight Feet like Gridirons , with which he and his dear Consort ( which I think is the best name for her now , in regard of that Musick ) scrat o're the strings ; that is , she on the Treble part , and he on the Bass , whil'st Eight great Mastiff Dogs ran up and down the Frets of the Lute , with their bare Feet , and stopt directly in Tune as they plaid ; ( but you must conceive that these Dogs were bred up to 't , or else 't were a thing impossible ) to the admiration of all strangers that were there ; and the Case of that Lute served for a Kennel for the Eight Dogs to lie in : but it seems 't is common with them there , for they made nothing of it : and this he made good by whole volleys of thundering Oaths . 203. Another Gallant swore likewise ( for it seems they were all guilty of swearing to confirm their stories , or else 't is possible that few of them would be believed ) That as he was fishing in Germany in the great River Rhine , where I saw an infinite number of Fish of all soets , and a Fisher of that Countrey which I saw draw up with his Net an Eele , that was far bigger than the May-pole in the Strand at the bottom , which they at first thought to be a lie ; and when he had occasion to go into the Yard , they askt his Man , who indeed was very sober and discreet , whether it were true of the Eele , to be as big as the May-pole in the Strand at bottom : Truly Gentlemen , says he , I then stood nearer than my Master , which makes him a little mistake , for I think in good truth it was scarce so big , but swore , that it was full so long . This made them cry him up with a Hum , and presently writ Probatum est : And good reason they had I think , because he had a witness to prove it there , which spoke as true as himself . 204. Another , That in the Wars in Germany between the Swedes and them , there was so great a Frost one Winter , that Two Men desiring to talk with one another , and one was on one side of the River , and t'other on the other , and as they spoke one to another , the Frost was so great , that it froze up their words , which was not audible then , nor indeed ( upon my reputation ) could not be heard till Nine days after , when it chanc'd to thaw : which one of the company hearing , said 't was a brave Country to speak Treason in ; for whatsoever a Man said , a Man could not be heard : Nay , the very lowings of the Bulls and Cows were froz'n up also , that the owners had much ado to find them to fodder them , for want of hearing them as formerly . Nay , by your favour , says another , there is another Country , which had as great a conveniency to speak Treason in as that had from 1648 to 1660 ; and there one might speak any sort of Treason , and was never call'd to an account for it : Nay , the more Treason they spoke , they were the better esteem'd ; so that there was no need of a frost at that time in England for that use . 205. A Woman accidentally coming into the Room where they were , and hearing them speak of that Frost in Germany , told some such stories ; but when she saw the Company began to scruple at the truth of it ( which I wonder they did , if they consider but her following discourse ) then she up and told them That her dear and loving Husband , peace be with him , was in that great Frost , out late one night , which , truly Gentlemen , I believe was the occasion of his death : though he lingred Fourteen or Fifteen years after it ; he I say , riding that night , came to a Common , where were great store of very good Cole-pits , insomuch that he fell down to the bottom in one of them , and his Horse fell directly upon him ; that it was impossible at that time of night , and in such weather , to be relieved in that great distress : and having lain so for a long time , and no hopes to be relieved at all , he presently bethought himself , and immediately rose and went to the next Village , and there borrowed a Pickaxe and a Spade , and then came back with 'em to the Pit , and first digged out himself , and then his Horse , and so about five a Clock in the Morning came home ; but so weary and so cold , that he could not unbotton his Doublet : Nay , says she , after I had hope him off with all his Cloaths ; he was so benum'd , that I was forc'd to take a Warming-pan of hot Coles , and so went all over his body , yet was he so cold that he scarce felt , though the warming-Pan sometimes stood a pretty while together in one place ; which truly Gentlemen I was fain to do for my Dear Husband : which confirm'd them in the belief of it , that it was as true as any of the rest , and gave her thanks for it also : and so she made them half a dozen reverend Oourchys and bid 'em god-by . 206. Another Fellow said that he had heard all their stories , and did think at first that some of them had been untruths , but now , says he , I am better satisfied ; and I will tell what I know upon my own Knowledge . I was once in some company where I heard one of them say that to his Knowledge a Raven would live a hundred years : so the next day I went and bought me one purposely to make a Tryal , and put him into a Cage and taught him to sing ; and I think in my conscience no Bird but a Raven could sing like him . Well , says he , I kept this Bird above a hundred years ; nay , if I should say two hundred , I should not lie ( and fed him all the time my self ) yet I could never make him speak as your Starling does for my life ; at last being very tame , I turn'd him out of the Cage , and put him into a Room , where I had only a Goose , but never a Gander for her : I know not how it happened , but the Raven and the Goose fell in league together ( for you must know 't was a Cock Raven ) and the Raven trod her , and she brought ten young ones , all coloured half black and half white , and those Five which were black towards the head cry'd just like a Raven , and those that were white towards the head , cry'd like Geese , and I eat one of the former , that was black towards the head , and if you 'll believe me , I have had ever since such a strange croaking in my Stomach , especially if I chance to see any Carrion , that 't is a great disturbance to me : Nay , One of my Neighbours upon some occasion call'd my Wife Carrion ; and though I did not love her before ; yet ever since I have had a great kindness for her . Then they told him that the strangeness of this story made it true , and the Proverb makes it good , that is , 'T is not so strange as true , 207. Another of this Crew came in with his story too , which they thought improbable , till he gave 'em evident demonstration of the truth of it , and that was this : He said he was one Winter about seven years since in Lincolnshire , near the Fenns , where there is always great store of all sorts of Wild Fowl , but especially of Duck and Mallard , which made me take my Gun , and when I came near to a Hedge , they were very thick at t'other side , upon which I presently discharged my Gun , and kill'd at one Shoot Three hundred twenty five , and I think , I wounded a great number also ; then they wondered how he could kill so many at one shot , he told them that there were near Four hundred little holes in the Barrel of his Gun , so big as Shot might easily pass through them ; and at the discharge of the Gun every Shot went out at his own hole , and kill'd so many as I told you , I am certain : Nay , I had kill'd many more if they had lay a little closer : Then they askt him how he got 'em home , he told 'em he went home first and fetcht a Horse , which was loaded Three times home with them , besides what I carried on my Shoulders ; and they were all as fat as the driven Snow . They said 't was very much indeed , and very many to be kill'd at one time . 208. Another that had been a Souldier , and newly come from the great and long Siege of Ostend , one askt him what news there ? He swore there was great want of Bread : But one day when some was brought in , he saw a lusty Souldier that was one of their Regiment , take up a Loaf ; and having a very large and sharp Knife , he slic't quite thorow the Loaf ; and himself ( being eager at it ) and two more Souldiers behind him ; and by that means we got their Shares , and so fared the better ; and to the confirmation of it added some lusty Oaths : Nay , said they , we 'll believe this , cause 't is a well-bred story . 209. A Gentleman that had bred up a Young Colt , and had taught him many pretty pieces of Activity , but one among the rest , that of leaping so well , that no Ditch or Hedg , though never so broad or deep , but he whipt over : nay , an ordinary House was nothing with him , or small Country Church also , but yet could never leap over the Steeple . It fortun'd that the Gentleman having occasion to ride abroad on him , came to a River that was about Twenty yards wide , which you 'll say was very broad ; yet this poor beast leapt with him to the very brink of the River on the other side , and there by chance lighted upon a stump of a Tree , which run into his Belly : which the Master seeing , alighted , and so left the poor Beast in that condition , yet would not kill him , and so went away . About Six months after this Gentleman was riding that way with his Man , and as they rode , says his Master , Don't you see something move yonder ? Yes , says he , I think I see a Tree go● and coming near to it , they put aside all the Boughs , and there spied his late Horse , which he thought had died there ; so they cut off all the Boughs , which were so many as to load almost three Carts , and then he took the poor Beast home , and cur'd him of all but the stump of the Tree which was in his Belly : and indeed he need not do it , for he receiv'd a great advantage by it every year , that is , at least Two or Three load of Wood , which serv'd him to burn in his Chamber ; for he would never burn any other there but that , out of the love he bore to that poor beast of his . But some that heard him till it , thought it savour'd too much of the Legend : Why if you won't believe me , ask my Man , who knows it as well as I , and shall swear it too , if you please . 210. A Lusty Widow about Forty five years Old , yet it seems had a mind to another Husband ; and she liv'd about Four Miles from High-Wickham , a Market Town in Buckingham shire ; and having one Market day sent her Maid to the Market at Wickham , about some business , the Maid it seems staid longer than ordinary abroad , and when she came home her Mistriss askt her , what was the cause of her staying so long at Market ? I profess I 'll hang your Coat for it : Pray Mrs. Forsooth , says she , hear me but speak first , and I don't doubt but to give you satisfaction : Come you Jade , speak quickly then . Why Forsooth , says she , there was the finest Proclamation that ever I heard in my Life ; What Proclamation you Queen , speak quickly ; Why Forsooth , 'T was that every Woman that had a little Mouth , should have two Husbands : With that the Widow being very much pleased with the News , began to purse and draw up her sweet Mouth : And saying , O , 't was a pretty Proclamation , a brave Proclamation , an excellent Proclamation : I but Forsooth , says she , I 'll tell you more News than all this : There was another Proclamation ; What was that ? Says the Widow , Why forsooth , those that have a wide Mouth shall have three Husbands . With that she began to widen her lovely Mouth : Saying , Whaw , whaw , whaw , what a brave Proclamation is that indeed . And so every day after enlarged her Mouth by degrees that her Neighbours might take notice of it ; and so gave in her name to the next Justice accordingly . 211. A Gentleman that liv'd in the Country in the Christ-mass-Holy days , as many others do , did invite his Tenants to a Dinner or Supper ; and one day being at Dinner , and seeing the Pigs long in coming ( and being a very passionate Man also ) askt his Wife what was become of the two Pigs ? She told him they would come presently , and pray'd him to be patient . With that he began to curse and swear that he did believe he should never see his two Spits again ; his Wife askt him why he said so ? Because , says he , I do believe the Pigs are run away with them , for I saw 'em with the Spits in their Mouths two hours ago . 212. A Great Noble Man , that was accounted mad by all that came near him , but yet had a great deal of Craft withal ; and one day having got a great rusty Horse-nail in his hand , he made those in the House believe he had eaten it ; which that all the Physicians that were far and near were sent for , and after they had a long and serious consultation together , some said it was good to send it out by way of Purgation , others said they 'd dissolve it in the Body and yet should do him no hurt ; and he sitting by and hearing all their discourse , told them they were all Fools and Mountebanks : For , says he , could not you have applied a Loadstone to my Breech , and that would a drawn it out , for that attracts all Iron to it . 213. A very Covetous Trades-man had a mind to be married , and yet was afraid for fear of the charge of having Children too fast ; at last he resolved to marry , and indented with his Wife before marriage , that they would lie together but once a month : And , says he , I intend to get every month a Joint from Head to Foot of the Child , so by that means we shall not have too many Children ; but I do it for this reason , to ease thee in the bringing of them up : And after Marriage it seems he lay with her the first Night : And I know not how it came about but at forty weeks end she was brought to Bed of a brave Boy , and perfect every way . Why how now Wife ? says he , this is not according to my expectation : Yes Husband , says she , but I may thank good Neighbour , or else for ought I know we might have had a deformed Child . 214. A Bold Cavalier passing by Ludgate in Olivers time , one night was examined by the Constable and watch , what he was ? He told them he was a man. Who d' ye serve ? says the Constable . I serve , says he , the King. So as they were sending him to Prison , he told them he serv'd his Highness the Lord Protector . O , I cry your mercy , says the Constable , why did you not say so before ? Because , says he , I thought you had l●●'d the King better than my Lord Protector : if you don 't , says he , I am sure you ought to do 't ; and so whipt out at the Wicket and ran away ; or else , they had had him to Bridewell and there whipt him . 215. A Youth passing by the Watch late at Temple-Bar one night also ; the Constable askt him what he was ? Why , says he , a Boy ; don't you see : Who d' ye serve , says the Constable , Why the King , says the Boy : Says the Constable , So do we , Is that all ? D' ye serve no body else ? Away with him to the Counter : At length he told him that he was Page to Mr. Baxter at Court ; O , says the ingenious Constable , are you Page to the Back-stairs at Court ; go your ways home , for I won't stay any of the Kings Servants . No , says the Boy , how can you stop 'em , unless y●u find where they run out . 216. At a Market Town in York-shire , there liv'd a Quaker that was a Barber , and the Minister of the Parish came to him for to demand Twenty Shillings for Tithe belonging to his Parsonage : The Quaker told him he ow'd him none , nor none would he pay him : He told him 't was his due , and if he could not have it by fair means he must have it by foul : The Quaker askt him for what it was due ? He told him for Preaching and Reading Divine Service , and other Ministerial Duties in the Church : Why , says the Quaker , I never came there : You might and you would , says the Parson , the Door stands open . A little after the Quaker hearing that he was suing of him for the money , enters an Action also against the Parson for Twenty Shillings ; and when the Parson came to hear of it , he went and askt him how he came to owe him twenty Shillings ? He told him for Trimming : Why , says the Minister , I never came there in my life : You might and you would , says the Quaker , for the Door stands open . 217. An Oxonian , meeting with a Rhodomontade in London , who it seems swore that he would take the wall of all that he met , the Scholar thinking nothing , was going between the wall and him : with that the Ruffler began to thrust him back , and told him , He did not use to give every Coxcomb the Wall. No , says t'other , what good will the Wall do me without the House : But , says t'other , I mean I don't use to give every Fool the wall ; But Sir , says he , I do , ●and am very glad that I have so good an opportunity to serve you ; and so let him have it and marcht away , and the other also went away very well satisfied , thinking he had put an affront upon the Scholar . 218. A man describing to his Friend a broad brim'd Hat , which he wonder'd at when he came first to London , and when he came down into the Country agen , he told them of this fashion'd Hat ; But one said it was so broad , that it would have serv'd conveniently for a Pent-house for another man besides himself ; says he , When I saw the brim of it button'd up on one side , methoughts it lookt just like a Trap-door nail'd up ; and his body , having a Coat on with larke Loops , shew'd just like a Ladder underneath the Trap-door . 219. A great Butler once drinking to a sober Person a Glass of Wine , he refused to pledge him . What , says he , won't you pledge me ? Why then I wish this curse may attend thee : That is , that I wish that in a dark and cold rainy night , thou wert set upon a tir'd Jade bare-ridg'd , in a dirty Lane , with a Pocky Whore behind thee , and thy own Bones rotten , & Nine Miles from any House , not knowing one step of the way , and with never a penny in thy Purse , and both thirsty and hungry : Sir , says he , I thank you for your good wishes , but I hope in a little time you 'l enjoy 'em all your self . 220. A Simpleton , having been married Seven or Eight years , and had no Children , and one day a Kinsman of his coming to visit him , whispered to him ( innocently ) Cousen , Cousen , betwixt you and I my Wife 's with Child ; though , says he , I protest I had no hand in it : No , says he , I don't believe you had any hand in it : But being in a manner over-joy'd with the conceit on 't , and ( knowing it to be of his own begetting ) said Cousen , Cousen , but betwixt you and I , I shall have an Heir , and I hope you will be Godfather to it : No , says his Cousen , by no means , for if I should be God-father , all the Neighbours will say you take Gods Name in vain there . 221. A Natural Fool , that serv'd a Knight in this Kingdom , he commanded him to give such a Lord his hand ; which he presently did , but gave him his left hand , for which his Master chid him , and told him he should have given the Lord his right hand : A Fit Master , says the Fool , I think you are more Fool than I ; for that 's an unseemly thing indeed to give to a great Lord that hand , which I wipe my Breech withall every day . 222. A Discreet Gentlewoman kept more Maids than ordinary to please her Husband , and he like a Wise Man gave her leave to roam abroad at her pleasure also , and being absent they always contented each other , but if present then they were content to be Bawds one to another ; so that there was never such true love between any couple that I have heard of before : which I think is a very goody example for married folks hereafter , to follow their discreet rule , to avoid contention and quarrelling . 223. A Knights Son in the West , who was indeed his Fathers only Child , and so gave him a little more liberty than ordinary , and he was rather a lover of the State of Venus — than Genoa , and did often haunt the young Girls thereabouts ; but especially one above the rest , which was a very pretty Maid , and about Eighteen years of age , and a Farmers Daughter , who was his Fathers Tenant ; which gave him the more liberty to have free egress and regress thither ; and having importun'd the Maid very much , yet she would never grant : at last he promis'd her Marriage , upon which he had his desire , and the Maid was with Child ; but his Father and Mother fearing he might make up a match there , by his going so often thither , sent to another Knight that liv'd four Miles of , to treat between their Daughter and his Son , which was a pretty Woman also , which they suddenly consented to , and the marriage day appointed ; and on the Marriage day , when he was riding with his man thither , the Farmer and his Daughter way-laid him under a Hedg , and askt him what recompence he should have for the wrong he had done his Daughter . Well , says he , there 's Fifty pound for you in Gold , and I now will give you a Bond for Fifty pound more to be paid in Six Months , so you will be contented . So under the Hedg the Bond was making , and the People at the Bride-house wondering at his so long stay , sent a Man to enquire after him ; and when he came , he found him a uniting under the Hedg with the Farmer and his Daughter ; and when he had done he went his way to the Bride-house as fast as he could gallop : and the Farmer and his Daughter seeing they could not help themselves , put up their Pipes and went home ; at last they were married , had Din'd , and supt , and when they were in Bed together , he began to kiss her : Pray , says she , let me ask you a question , first , what made you under the Hedg with the Farmer and his Daughter so long ? Why , says he , it does not concern you at all : Well , says she , I will know , or else you and I shall he at a distance . Why , says he , If you won't be angry I 'll tell you : Well I will not , says she , let it be what it will : Why then , says he , I got the Farmers Daughter with-Child , and she was such a Fool to tell her Father of it : By my troth , says she she was a Fool indeed ; for my Fathers Man got me with-child above a twelve month ago , and you are the first that ever I told of it : Tarbox for that beloved . 224. A Rump Soldiers Wife being a cleanly Woman , in a Moon shiny night going thorow Thieving-lane in Westminster , and pretty late , she having at that time an occasion to untruss a point , went into a corner of that Lane , and under a Bulk was pleased to deliver a poor Prisoner ( for it could be no otherwise in Thieving-lane ) but I know not by what over-sight it hapned , for her under-Coat , sweet Soul , doubl'd inwardly , which catch't the poor Prisoner agen when he was got out ; o● last like a discreet Woman that could over-see all she had done , she lookt on the Ground , and seeing it not , Well , says she , the place well deserves the name of Thieving-lane ; for a Body can't lay down any thing but 't is stole away presently : And the poor thing it seems was loath to leave her turn'd Page , and followed at the heels , dab , dab , dab , every step ; which she knew not of till she smelt the Rogues tricks : Sirrah , says she , hence forward I 'll have no more to do with you ; and so shak'd him off , that the poor thing was forc'd to lie in the Street all that cold night . 225. Another Rump Officer , which forsooth to be fine , must needs have a Muff ; and being much put to 't , to deliver a poor Prisoner also , was forc't to put into an Ale House , and bid him fill him a Pot of Ale , and he 'd come presently : And when he came to the convenient place , and it being a little duskish , and being in hast too , pretty worm ; had forgot his Muff , which hung it seems behind him , and well he might be pardoned for it , for that was the first day that e're he wore a Muff ; and making more than ordinary haste , it hapned that his new Muff lighted just underneath his Masters Name-sake , viz. the Rump , and he most valiantly discharg'd all into it ; and so when he had done ( though he did not know what he had done ) come out of the little House into the Yard , and as he was going into the House , thrust his pretty hand with his Gloves on into the Muff , which he quickly smelt and put him into such a fume , that he threw his Muff and Gloves in the Womans Face , and told her that was enough to pay for the pot of Ale , and so went away . 226. A Countrey Woman that was a bold Gossip , came to a Butchers in Oxford , and when she saw a Shoulder of Mutton hang up , she askt him what she should give him for it ? He told her two Shillings and a half : Two farts and a half , says she : Why says he , give me two farts and a half and thou shalt have it : Say'st thou so Boy , says she , Why then have at it ; then she lifted up her pretty right leg , and let a good one ; Well , says he , there 's one ; then sweet soul , she lifted up her left leg , and let another as good ; then lifting up her two legs one after another , she let a lusty one ; Well , says he , there 's three , but where 's the half one ? Why , says she , take which half you will of the last , for that was a rowsing one . 227. A Lord in this Kingdom , that it seems by mistake , had sealed to something that day , for which he was very much troubled , at last , after some vexation and grief for it , he call'd up his man into the Chamber to him , saying , Tom was not I a Fool to do as I did to day ? Yes truly were you , my Lord , says he , you were an arrant fool for it . Sirrah , says he , though I call my self Fool , I don't allow you to do it too ; and so kickt him out of doors . 228. An ancient Justice of Peace was chid by a Neighbour Justice , for marrying a young Girl ; Peace Brother , says he , hold thy tongue , she 'll be a Woman to morrow ; for , says he , Wives are young mens Mistresses , middle aged mens Companions , and old mens Nurses ; and will you blame a man to have a Nurse in his old age ? No , says he , I don't blame you to have a Nurse , but I do blame you , that you are not provided for Heaven , but that your Wife must do it : Why , says he , don't you know whither all Cuckolds go ? O , says he , now you put me in mind on 't , 't is true ; I have heard your Wife say many years ago , that she was confident her husband would go to heaven , and now I find which way ; and mum for that my dear Brother too . 229. One was saying , That those men which do affect gravity , did seldom speak when any was a telling them a story , but only wag the head : but another told him he was confident they do as we do our Bottles that is shake 'em to try if they have any wit in their heads to give answer to their speech : but a third said , he thought that all those who wagg'd their heads , did it only but in waggery . 230. Two Gentlemen it seems one night quarrelled at gaming , and over-night one sent the other a challenge to meet him by Six a clock to morrow morning at such a place , upon his honour : Hang honour , says he , for we both are but worshipful ; and withall tell him , 't is not my custom ( and I also know 't is not his ) to rise before Eleven or Twelve a Clock , and bid him consider with himself whether we should break our rest to break our limbs ? The other sent him word , that if he did not meet him , he 'd Post him . Well , says he , tell him if he does , I 'll ride Post out of Town , and there stay till his fury is over . So we see that some are in post-haste to fight , and some in post-haste to ride away . 231. One askt another of his Companions at a Coffee-house , What was the meaning of this Proverb , viz. The City for wealth and the Country for health ? He told him it was preposterous , for you know there 's more Healths drank in the City than in all the Country agen . Why , says he , that makes for the Proverb , for if they drink away their healths they can never be well : but the truth is , that the wealth of the Country being brought into the City , is the occasion of so much drinking of Healths . 232. Also there 's another Proverb which speaks very p●t , viz. Sleep without supping , and health will follow : yet I must ingeniously confess , that I never saw a man sup in his sleep , Yes , says t'other , 't is many suppings many times that makes him sleep ; and commonly after supping a great many healths do follow . 233. One was saying , That the body is more drest than the soul ; But I deny that , says his Friend , for the Body and Soul of a Goose are both drest alike , and together ; and the Body of a Sole-fish is not drest by piece-meals , but altogether : Truly , says t'other , I think you are solely in the right ; Nay t is true , I would not so-lie as you do every day for a great deal . 234. A good and vertuous Woman was told by a Lawyers Clerk , that lived in that Country-Town where she dwelt , That when he was at London last , there was a Law made , that all labouring men that were Cuckolds , were to have four pounds a year allow'd them out of the Shire where they liv'd . Well , says she , this is comfortable news , I am sure my poor husband take as much pains as any man , and four pounds a year will do us a courtesie these hard times . Then she askt him how many times doing would make a man a Cuckold ; He told her by this new Law three times would . Nay then , says she , I am well enough , for I am sure my poor Husband will receive his pension . Here follows some Probable Improbable Stories . 235. A great Spanish Commander , that had been in service against the Turks : when he came home , he told such a loud lie before the Council of Spain , that all lookt upon it as ridiculous , but impudent in him to tell it there ; then the Council put him out , and call'd in one of the Captains , who did not only second what his Commander had said , but told a louder lie ; for which he was rebuk't by one of the Council , for telling such a notorious untruth : O my Lord , says he , you must pardon me , I do but my duty in following my Commander . Then they told him he had out-done his Commander : The more is my honour and glory then ; says he , and I hope the King will pay me well for it . 236. In a Discourse at Table , wherein they chiefly treated of strange things , and one among them said , that he had a piece of the Hawthorn-Tree in a Box , which always bloom'd on Christmass day for many years together , and at last was robb'd of it by some of the Parliament Forces , and could never get it agen : Why , says one , how could it live and bloom as you say , without some earth , or the Suns influence ? Why , says he , d' ye think if it have that vertue to bloom on Christmass-day , that it had not the vertue also to bloom without the help of the Sun or earth ? and so let out some Oaths to confirm it . 237. But another being by to fit him in his Story ; and to make it appear to be truth ( as you know it was ) began to confirm what t'other had said , with some Oaths too ) For , says he , I my self have seen that Hawthorn-Tree bloom a Hundred Christmas-day , and if I should say a Hundred more , I should not lie ; and I went once thither when they were come to the Berries , which were red , hard and laoge ; and so took some of them and button'd me a Suit and Coat with it , as the fashion is now ( for you know our fashion in England for Cloaths never alters ) and when I and some others were at Church together upon Christmass-day in the morning , little thinking of it about Ten of the Clock precisely ( he swore ) that the branches sprung out so fast and so thick , that he was covered all over with them ; insomuch that he lookt as if he had been in a Wood , and so heavy they were upon him , that he could not stir till one went out of the Church and fetcht an Axe , and cut away all the Boughs , that he might see his way out ; and when they had done , he went home in this posture to his lodging ; and swore also , that there was as much Wood cut off as serv'd him all that Winter for fewel to his Chamber ; But how ever , says he , I had rather be at the charge of Wood , then to be served so agen . But Gentlemen I tell you this to confirm what that worthy Gentleman told you before ? whereas you were in doubt for a great while whether it was truth or no : but I hope there 's no doubt now , and so swore it agen . 238. Then another told a Story that a Miller had a Horse for many years together , whose name was Roan , and being tired with working all day , poor Jade , slept soundly at night ; which a thievish Fellow espying , flay'd off his Skin , whilest he slept , and went away with it : But Old Roan when he awak't , ( though 't was a bitter cold night ) yet poor thing he came home to the Mill-door and neighed very loud , which the honest Miller hearing awak't his Wife , and askt her whether that was not the neighing of our Old Roan ? Truly Husband , says she , it is , let 's rise and see what 's the matter with him ; and when they came out , they wondred to see him in such a pickle : Well Husband , says she , since 't is as 't is , I 'd have you kill Five or Six of your Sheep ( and to morrow being Market day , we can sell their Flesh there ) and take all the Skins and clap 'em hot upon poor Roan ; which he presently did with his dear Wives help , and clapt them hot upon the Horses flay'd Back ; which with the cold night were presently froz'd on , and the Horse as well or rather better in health than ever he was in his life , and I am sure you 'll say warmer : And this Horse , says he , they kept for many years after , and every year it brought him Thirty Tod of Wool : And I hope you will believe it ; but if you don't believe it I pray take notice , that I am not bound to find you stories and belief too . Then they all concluded it was true — lie so . 239. Another swore most plentifully , That he saw a Lobster kill a Hare upon Salisbury Plain ; then they all began to think indeed that was a lie , till he very discreetly told them how it was ; for the Lobsters that are taken at Weymouth , Southampton , and upon the Sea-coasts thereabouts , are presently convey'd in Panniers into the Midland Country , and by the way on Salisbury Plain did drop a very good Lobster , and a Hare a little after came close to the lobster : which the Lobster feeling , with his Claw presently catcht him fast by the foot , and so kill'd him ; and swore also that they put it into a Pie , and both bak't together ( but I don't mean with the skin and the shell on ) then you'd think 't a lie indeed ; and so sent up to London , and eaten there . 240. Another swore pretty largely too , That he knew a Hare , that after he was taken and garbaged , did give the Dogs a Chase for five or six miles together ; then they ●ay'd out all 't was a loud lie : No : says he , it can't be a loud lie , for it seems you don't allow it . Yes , says they , we do allow it for a lie : But says he , I do avow it for truth ; and thus it was , for the Hare being tied to a Hunts-mans Saddle in a string , it happened that the string slipt , and the Hare in the string hung down between the Horse Legs upon the Ground , and the Horse being metttlesome , gallopt away with the Hare at his heels , and the Dogs marcht after ; but the truth was , the Man could not hold the Horse in : Nay then , say they , this may be impossibly probable . 241. Another very sober Man told a story ; That once he went a coursing alone with a Grey-hound Bitch , that was great with Whelp ; and having started a Hare , it hapned the Hare went through a Muse in a Hedg , where a Carpenter had hid his Axe , lying it seems with the edge upwards : and so the Hare being with young , in going through that Muse , cut her belly with the edge of the Axe ; and then out started 8 young Hares , and began to run immediately ( as you know some Hares will , before they are kindled ) but the Grey-hound Bitch suddenly following the Hare through the very same Muse , by chance cut her Belly also , and out came Eight Whelps , Which eight Whelps ran after the eight young Hares , and the Bitch after the Old Hare , and kill'd 'em at all . Now , says he to them , Some nice people may take this for a lie , but I think 't is as probable as any of the rest , because the wonder is greater : that there should be but just the number of Eight Whelps and Eight young Hares , and if true , Probatum est . 242. Another Story was , That he being in a Low-room , with some other Gentlemen a dringing a Bottle of Ale ; he saw the Man of the House open a Bottle , and the Cork flew up with such a Violence , that it strook his Hat off his Head , and after that went through the Cieling of that Room , and another Room above that , which was two pair of Stairs high , and kill'd a Men and his Wife as they lay in Bed , and from thence flew up into the Garret , and they could not get it out with a Hammer and Mallet , 234. Sir , says another , to make good your Story , which I saw with my own Eyes that being with some others in an upper Room , one was then opening a Bottle of Ale , and the Cork then flew up with such a violence thorow the Top of the House ; that it broke the Cieling and Tiles also , and kill'd a Kite as he was flying just then over the House ; and the hole was so big which the Cork had made , that down fell the Kite thorow the hole , and they opening the Kite to see where she was wounded , found two great Chickens in her Belly , which they sold to pay for their Drink , and after that would never drink in any other Room in that House : but I don't know that it ever hapned so agen ; for these things , though there be truth in 'em , don't happen every day so . 244. Another began to tell them his Story ( which he swore was of a certain , as you know all these things are : ) For , says he , I was riding to Saint Albans , and riding through a Lane , that was of stiff clay , as I was galloping , my Horses foot sticking in , pluckt off shoe and hooff too , and so I gallopt on for three or four Miles : and my horse never complained , that I never saw a horse that gallopt so well on three legs in my life ; at length he began to limp , then I lighted to see what he ailed , and found both shoe and hooff gone ; so fearing to pay for the horse ; got presently up agen ; and gallopt as fast as I could drive , and fortunately my Horse leg lighted agen in the same place , and pull'd up hooff shoe and all , which was better fastened then when I came out ; and so I performed my journy , and got that night as far as I rid . 245. Another , whom all the Town knew to be as far from telling a lie as the London Clocks , and so gave the more ear to him ; swore , that he had travelled all over Germany , and at Auspurg a great City there , he saw a man that had a Nose so big , that he could not hear himself sneeze : Sure , says one of the Company , this can't be an honest man ? Yes , says he , he was accounted an honest man , and was also a Burgomaster ; but , says he , I am sure he was a Knave . Pray , explain your self , says t'other : Why , says he , I believe he has heen in the Pillory , and so by consequence had lost his Ears . Ergo. 246. Another very learnedly said , That he saw two men ride down a hill together a great pace , and of a sudden the first horse stopt in the mid-way ; which gave the formost such a jerk , that he threw him quite out of the Saddle backwards , that he lighted a stride behind the hindmost man ; and his coming so forcibly upon him struck the hindmost man off his own upon the first Horse , which stood still , and all in an instant : Truly , says one , 'T is strange if it be true . Truly , says t'other , 't is not so strange as true . 247. A Gentleman that had more mind to have store of Money than to have a Wife , yet he found he could no way supply himself so well as that way , unless he sold some of his Estate ; at length he was told by his friend , that he might have a Gentlewoman with Fifteen hundred pounds , but she was ugly : Faith , says he , though my occasions are very great for Money , yet I would be content with half the Money till I fetch away the Bride . 248. A Gentleman did advise a Kinsman of his to marriage , for Marriage frees a Man from all care : for then the Wife takes all upon her : which a married Man that fate by hearing , said , Yes a pox on her , so does my Wife take all upon her that comes to hes . 249. A Vintner being broke , was it seems forc'd to set up an Ale-House in the Suburbs , and being askt why he did discredit himself so much , to leave off Win● to sell Beer and Ale ? He told him the chie● reason was because he lov'd a Countryman better than a Stranger ; for Beer and Ale are my Country-men , but Wine 's a Stranger : but the Gentleman told him he did not well , for he must make much of any Stranger that comes within his gates : So will I that , says he , when I get it within my gates agen ; I 'll make more of it than I did ; nay much more ; because I would not break the Command . 250. One did advise a Noble man that must live high ( yet had no great estate to bear it out ) that he should do well to be only attended with Blackmores , which would ease him of a vast charge , especially if he should put all his family in mourning , for 't is but turning of them naked at that time and they are in mourning in a trice . Why , says the Lord , that will be a shame for 'em to go along the streets so . No , no , my Lord , says he , 't is natural for Moors to go naked ; for more goes so than clothed . 251. A Country Gentleman askt a wise man , when he saw a fellow abuse him and spurn at him , why he did not spurn at him agen ? Why truly , says he , I think I should do very indiscreetly in so doing ; for if an Ass should kick me , must I needs kick bim agen ? 252. A Gentleman being in a great Assembly of Gentlemen at a great Dinner , one askt why he would not live in London in the Winter ; where he should find all sorts of company to fit his humour ? Faith , says he , so I would , if I could find a house fit for my turn . One , whose name was Chambers , thinking to abuse him , told him he could help him to a house that had three Rooms of a floor ; but it was built of Wood : He askt him where it was . He told him at Tyburn . 'T is true indeed , says the Gentleman , 't is a convenient house , and stands in a good air ; for in an hour it cures people of all Diseases : and for a house that is but one story high 't is a fine house indeed ; but I find there 's no want in it but Chambers : Tarbox for that Sir. 253. A Gentleman travelling into Norfolk by chance lost his way ; and coming into a Village , and seeing a man standing at his door , askt him which was the next way to Norwich ? The man ( as many would do ) askt him from whence he came ? What 's that to you , says he , from whence I come ? You say true indeed , says the man , 't is nothing to me , whence you come nor whither you go : and with that whipt in and shut the door upon the Gentleman , who else would have whipt his Jacket for him . So he did advise all his friends , if ever they travell'd into Norfolk , never to call at that mans house , which he poor heart thought a great punishment for him . 254. A Company of confident Blades were each of 'em bragging what they durst do , and how they wou'd go upon any exploit . Puh , says one among 'em , ye are all Cowards to me ; for I dare go where a Prince cannot send his Embassador : Then they askt him where that was ? He said , To go to stool ; for though an Embassador represents the Kings person , yet he cannot do his Business for him that way . Yes , yes , says they , we smell your conceit , and therefore think you a Fanatick ; for it savours too much of the Rump . 255. A man pays very dear for things that are good cheap ; because it tempts him to buy those things which he has no need of : but if he has no need of 'em , why does he buy ' em ? he was told because they were cheap : Why , says t'other , how can they be cheap when he paid too dear for them . 256. A Man when he is married turns his walking-Staff into a fixt Stake , for then his condition is not ambulatory but setled and fixt ; that is ( as I humbly conceive ) if he be fixt to a good Woman , if not , then all the months in the year may be March to him ; that is may be blustring , which will certainly put him into a marching condition agen , 257. A Gentleman was saying , That Wine , Women , and Play , does undo Men laughing ; but by his favour , I cannot submit to his opinion therein , but do flatly deny it : for Play does undo Men by Cursing , Fretting , Swearing and Duelling ; nay , some fret so much that the tickling frets of an Instrument would never compose ' em ' 258. One said that he saw a Man cut a Purse , and gave it to his Wife to wear , which she did hang by her side : But , says he , if you should cut a Purse , you may hang by the side of the Gallows ; and though the Purse is so civil to them , as to keep safe whatsoever is put in , yet whensoever they would ha 't out agen , they are so uncivil to pluck the Purse by the ears to open it , and at all times do almost starve him ; for they tie up his mouth from eating . 259. A Gentleman lying in a Lodging in Westminster , had a Shock Dog which came up into his Chamber where he was , where it seems a Cat had kitten'd ; then the Cat flew upon the Dog , and the Dog at her agen : Let 'em alone , says another , I 'll warrant you the Dog will stand a shock or two with the Cat : Faith , says he , if he does , I 'll bake a shock of Wheat into excellent Bread for him : And then he 'll be a well-bread Dog too . 260. When a Citizen was by accident in Tower street burnt to death by Powder , a Gentleman said he had eaten so much powdered Beef that day that he was all in a flame : and though he was blown up , yet I 'll assure you no broken Citizen : for he was found whole , and in another hole was put the next day . 261. A Gentleman tacitely drank the Kings Health in Olivers days , by drinking a Health to Oliver C. that is O live C. R. and likewise at another time drank the Kings Health as tacitely , when he drank a Health to the King of the Jews , viz. I. Ireland , E. England , W. Wales , and S. Scotland , which Four Letters put together make up the word Jews ; and several of the Parliament Officers drank it also , not knowing what they did when they drank it . 262. When a London Scriv'ner died in Oxford in the time of the Sickness , a merry Jack writ this over him : May all by these presents know , that I that have bound so many , am now fast bound my self : by the means of a Gentleman of an Ancient Family , call'd Mr. Death , who brought me my last Sheet , and to my last period or fulpoint ; and though I was never guilty of any great wickedness , yet I liv'd not without many a blot , which my Daughter Pen was the occasion of : I gave no ill example to any , but rather give good Copies unto all : I was learned too , for I always dealt in good Letters , and was a Justice of Peace in my own Dominions ; and though I could hang , yet I could draw ; yet I could hang an Arse when my own Money was to be paid : and I made all Bond men hut my Prentices , for them I made free : and after I had writ up all my Letters , this Mr. Death threw some Dust upon 'em ; and as one dash of my Pen hath ruin'd many , so my Daughter Pen , hath ruin'd her self : But this naughty Mr. Death assaults me with Bills when I was making of Bonds , and at last seal'd the Letters of my Eyes quite up ; and then sent me away Tom-long home . 263. There was one Munday a Cutler in Shoe-lane , that hang'd himself , but it was no boot for him to do ' it , for he never recovered after : And when the People came in they found a Knife in the House to cut the Rope , upon which the Common Council of that place made an Act presently , that Tuesday should begin the Week ; since Munday ( a Rope take him ) hath hang'd himself , that is the cause that all the Cutlers in that place never works of a Munday : It may be that was the occasion also among the Shoe-makers , because they call Munday the Shoe-makers Holy-day , and they don't make Holy-days for nothing . 264. A Goldsmith it seems was formerly brought into the Star-Chamber for false Gold and Silver , for which they fin'd him 100 l. and about a Twelve Month after 100 l. more and a Year after that 100 l. more : then says he , My Lords , I see that you have fin'd me , and fin'd me agen , and refin'd me ; but it seems you can't do so to my Metal , that nothing can melt me down in your sense . They told him if they could not melt him , they 'd melt his purse so , that it should run quite out at last : But my Lords , says he , as the Cobler says , my Last is not come yet . 265. An Honest Man , that was a true Cavalier , was when he came from the Wars , so reduc'd , that he was forc'd to turn Ale-Draper , and his Sign was the Rose and Crown ; and in 1649 , the Rump forc't him to blot out the Crown , but left the Rose still , as they thought , to prick his Fingers ; and when the King was restored , then he put on the Crown agen , and writ underneath , The Case is alter'd . 266. A Simpleton , that was brought in by power in Olivers days to be a Fellow of a Colledge in Oxford , his Father being then made a Baron of Olivers , he would never name his Father or Mother to any body , but he would say , My Lord the Baron my Father , and my Lady the Baronness my Mother ; for which he was rebukt by some of their own party who were asham'd to hear him say so . But a Gentleman told 'em they did erre in rebuking of him , and told 'em also , that he had spoken nothing but truth , for he was truly descended from them both ( his Father also was counted none of Solomons Bastards neither ) and thus I will riddle it to you : first from the Baron , because he was a bare one in Judgement ; and then from the Baronness , because he had a great barenness in his Wit : Indeed Sir , says the Simpleton , I think you have defined it very well , I wish I may have that grace but to be as you say : Yes Ass I say , I protest Sir , that 's a pretty joke : that belongs to me too , do's it not ? Yes , yes . Then he fell out a laughing heartily , and rubbing his hands ; saying , Sir your servant , your servant , your servant in Folio : Yes , says he , in Foolio indeed ; and so they parted . 267. An honest Cavalier had a devillish Round head to his Wife , which did discover all his Secrets and Actions to the then pretended Parliament , which made him ask a Friend of his , what was the best cure for a Round-head , He told him to let him do as if his right hand offended him , for desperate Diseases must have desperate Cures . 268. A great number both of Seamen and Souldiers deing in a great Ship together this last Summers ingagement , one of them , when he saw 'em cast Anchor , askt the Master and his Mate , whether the Ship were sick or not ? They askt him his reason ? He said because it spew'd . How shew'd ? says they : Why does it not spew when it doth cast ? Cast what ? Why Anchor : Yes indeed , says the Master , we did cast Ann Car over-board , after she died . 269. A Gallant that had a very great mind to be married , but more for Moneys sake than for any thing else ; at last a Gentleman of his acquaintance , hearing by a Letter from a Friend of his in the Country , found out one presently , as he thought a great match for him , seeing he aim'd at nothing but Mony , and so went to him and acquainted him that he had found out a very great match for him ; For , says he , I know your temper , and she hath 8000 l. to her Portion , but she is sufficiently ugly : which he hearing shrug'd up his Shoulders , and said : Indeed Sir I do confess the Money is a very good match : Indeed , says t'other , I think you have met with your match now : It may be says he , I have met with my match but not with my Wife ; for I 'll see her as low as her 8000 l. was from whence it came at first , before I 'll have any thing to do with such a bow'd token . 270. One askt a Gentleman why he staid and walkt so long in that dirty field ? He told him because it was very Civil and courteous to him , and more than he did deserve or desire ; for at every step the dirt did invite him to stay . Yes , says t'other , I believe so ; for it seems 't was a good stay to you : for I did not see you fall . 271. A Gallant , when he saw that he could not make a young woman to love him , askt her the reason ? She told him because his face was so devillish ugly . How , says he , my face ugly ? d' ye know what you say ? for I know it can't be : And I 'll assure ye I had my choice of twenty faces this morning , and therefore you may presume that I would not make choice of the worst . That is , his Looking-glass was broke into so many pieces . 272. A Vaporing Coxcomb , introducing himself , as he did always , into all Companies where pretty Ladies were , was telling the Ladies how such a one gave him a Ring , and t'other a Favour , and t'other a Kiss , and abundance more ; which a Gentleman that knew him very well , knew that he lied in all he said : and so whipt him in such terms that he did not understand : For , says he , Ladies you must believe this Gentleman ; for I have often been in his company , and among very pretty Ladies too , and they hove lov'd him so well , that they doated upon his very absence ; and when many times be intruded himself among them , they would desire him to bestow his absence upon them . Law you there now Ladies , will you believe me another time ? says he . 273. A Man advised a Gentleman to marry that Woman , though she was unhandsome , for her moneys sake . No , says he , I protest I would not marry her , though she were endowed with all that Adam had left him before he transgrest : Why says he , you may have that Land behind our Hop-yard too , and some where else , which was never any of Adams Portion : How , says he , what d' ye mean ? Why goodman fool , says he , 't is Eve's Jointure as I mean : Truly , says t'other , I never knew that till now . 274. A Gentleman , that had as I hear , been long a Suitor to a young Lady , whose Father was a Knight , and at that time High Sheriff of the County ; and after they had long disputed about the Portion , it happened that the Sheriff had summon'd the County together upon some urgent occasion , into a Common three or four Miles off , and there did appear upon a very brave Horse , which the young Gentleman that was a Suitor to his Daughter was much in love withal , and did desire that he would bestow that Horse upon him ; the Knight told him that he would not part from him ; then he desired to buy him : but he told him plainly that no Money should buy him : Why then , says he in a fume , you may keep your Daughter : and so rode away : But about three months after he took it into consideration , and thought he had done very indiscreetly , and went again to the Knights House , and as he was riding into the Gate , a Maid of the House spy'd him , and went and told her young Mistress ; who bid her shut the Door fast and lock it too : A little after the Gentleman comes to the door and knocks , and the young Lady being a t'other side , askt who was there ? He said , Madam a faithful Servant of yours : Sir , says she , I don't know you , and I dare not let any body in now my Father 's from home ; for we had a-great Robbery committed lately hard by at this time a day : Why Madam , says he , don't you know me ; I am such a man that loves you dearly I protest : O Sir , says she , is it you ? I do remember about six months ago that here was such a one indeed that was in love with my Fathers Horse : and so flung away , and would not suffer the Door to be opened , nor never would admit of any more of his addresses to her : That it seems he was at last contented to march off without Lady or Horse either . 275. A Man in a bitter cold Winter night was passing through the Street , and seeing all a Bed , and no Candle in any Window neither : then bethought himself of this project ▪ for he then went up and down crying Fire , Fire , which made several come to the Windows : They askt him where ? where ? He told then that he did not know , for if he did , he would go to 't to warm himself : For , says he , I am devillish cold . 276. Several Men being merry together , and among other discourse , were praising their Wives : Faith , says a Fellow , that had a devillish scold to his Wife , My Wife is as brave a Woman as any is in England , all but her Tongue : Why do'st not cut it out , says another : No , no , says he , by no means ; for I have heard say that if you lop a Tree , it takes the faster root , and hy consequence there will more branches come out : which will be stronger than those before : and who can tell but it may be so with my dear Wife's Tongue , if I should cut it . 277. A merry Wagg at Woluecot near Oxford , met a Country-man going thither with a Goose to sell ; but he had agreed with a Comrade of his to say 't was an Owl : So he askt him how he sold his Owl ? He said it was a Goose , and t'other an Owl ? So they argued a good while together , at last says the Wagg , We 'll be tried by the next man we meet : Content , says the Country-man ; and if he says 't is a Goose , then you shall give me half a Crown for the Goose , and I 'll keep it too . Content , says the Wagg . So going on , they met as by accident , his aforesaid Comrade ; and after some debate , he plainly said it was an Owl : and so they got the Goose . So the Country-man as he went along , began at last to think he was cheated ; and was resolved to study for a revenge ; and about a Week after he comes to Oxford agen , and brought a Pot of supposed Honey with him to sell ; So the Wagg spying him in the Market , askt him how he sold his Honey ? He said it was Sir-reverence . T'other said 't was Honey , but the man said 't was Tu — and so they argued a great while ; at last he bought it of him , saying , Let it be what it will I 'll buy it : and when he came home to open it , he found it was true that the man said , only the top for an inch deep cover'd with Honey : and when he had got his money , thought he to himself now I am quit with you ; for the Case is All turd : 278. On some occasion , Oliver had sent for a Minister , and did much revile him and abuse him ; that he put the poor Minister to a stand what to say : At last Oliver putting off his Cap , and the Minister spying his bald Pate : Truly , says he , I will not reproach you , nor revile you , as you have done to me , but I hope you 'll give me leave to commend your Hair for leaving so bad a Head. 279. In the Rumps time there were a many worthy Men , that were made Justices of the Peace , and among which this one , which it seems formerly had been a Tradesman ; and when a Man and a Woman was brought before him for some offence : Says the Reverend Justice , Where 's your reverence : to me , d' ye come in here without bowing ? D' ye know who I am ? Then Sirrah , says he , what Woman is that you brought with you ? says he , An 't please your Honour , 't is my Wife before God : How you Rogue , says he , d' ye swear ? first lay down your 12 d. for swearing , and then go un : Sir , says he , I dare not go on ; for if this be swearing , I fear I shall so often swear , that I shall have no Money to defray it ; and so retired with his Wife . 280. Another Mad Fellow being brought before this Renowned Justice , in the morning before his Worship had drank his mornings draught , and to that end there stood a Silver Beaker of Ale , Nutmeg , and Suger ready , and after his Examination , says the Justice to him . Is this true what they say against you ? ( the Fellow being a t'other side the Table ) True Sir , says he , and with that whipt into his hand the Silver Beaker afore-said , and said , If it be true , I wish this Beaker may never go through me ; and so drank it up : Now Sir , says he , I hope you will not believe them , but me hereafter . 281. A Gentleman in King James's days , that was a Servant to him , was a very fat Man , and the King it seems took delight in his comyany for his dry Jests now and then ; and would often come and lean upon his Shoulder ; but one time it seems lean'd a little harder than ordinary , that this fat Gentleman began to puff and blow : which the King observing , yet would take no notice of it ; but the Gentleman finding the weight a little too heavy , said , I beseech your Majesty not to lean upon the Cushion too hard , least you burst out the Feathers . 282. A Notable Fellow , that as 't is said , would not be drunk above seven days in the week ; and when he was drunk , was so besotted that he knew not what he did : Once his Prentice was sent by his Wife to fetch him home and when he found him out he found him reeling-ripe also : and as they came down Ludgate-Hill , in a Moon-shiny night , saw the reflection of the Bell-Savage sign-post upon the ground , and it seems took it for a Block , and went to lift his Leg over it , his Prentice having him by the Arm for his supporter , askt what he meant by that ? Why , says he , to go over this Block ? He told him 't was not a Block ; What is it then says he ? 'T is a Sign , says the Boy : What Sign I prithee ? Why Master 't is a Sign you are drunk . 283. Another Night the same Boy was his guide home agen , or else he had took up new Lodgings in the Counter that , night ? and as he was passing by Fleet-Conduit , when it was standing , where the Water did continually run out of a Cock from thence ; this reverend Sot coming to the Conduit , told the Boy he must piss , and did piss against the Conduit , close by where the Water Cock ran ; and after he had stood there a pretty while , his Boy told him 't was late and pray'd him to come home : What you Rogue , says he , wou'd you have me bepiss my Breeches ? Do you hear how I piss still ? Thinking that the Cock running was his Pissing : The Boy told him he had done , 't was the Cock that ran . Say you so , says he , in troth I thought I had pist all this while : So went as well as he could home with the Boy . 284. Another remarkable Drunkard , that always when he went abroad ; would have hanging by his side a great short Hanger in a Leather Belt ; and one time having been at it till he was red hot with tippling ; he and his Companions paid the Reckoning , and having laid by his Dagger , when he was going away , instead of the Dagger put the end of his Leather Belt into the ear of a Chamber-pot , half full of Piss , and so fastened it to his side , and so marcht out into the Streets , and every step some Piss would slop out ; which set the Peaple in the Street into a laughter , and came flocking about him : and he thinking that they came to abuse him , went to reach his Dagger , but instead of that laid hold of the Chamber-pot and threw all the Piss in the Peoples Faces ; and so by that found his Error , and then went back for his Dagger . 285. Another , that was a very great Glutton , yet forsooth had a great mind to be married ; that is , to marry a very rich Widow : and to that end , by his Letters got admittance , and when he came , she saw the man was comely enough , and well clad ; but seeing him two or three times feed so largely , she askt a friend of hers what he was ? He said he was a great Glutton ; and when he came to speak to her about the matter , he protested he lov'd her as well as he did his own Soul. By my troth Sir , says she , but I had rather you loved me as well as you love your Body . 286. Some Gallants were sitting merrily a drinking a Pot of nappy Ale ; wherein they had several Discourses of Experiments ; but one of them said , that he could demonstrate it so , that though there was four sides of a House that stands alone , yet there 's a way to make it rain but on one side : then they desire him to tell them , he said he would for two Pots ; Content , say they ; then he told them . You know though there 's four sides of a House , yet there is really but two ; that is , the outside and the inside , so that if you can keep it from raining in , it will rain only on the outside ; Probatum est . Well , say they , to make good your conceit , we are resolved to seize the two Pots which we have lost ; and we will so order the matter , that there 's none of that in the pots shall enter into your inside ; we 'll so stop them . 289. A Countrey-woman that lived at Headington near Oxford , and upon a Sunday , she being not well , bid her Maid go to Church that afternoon , and after Sermon was done , her Dame askt her what was the Text ( She said , Truly forsooth Dame the Text was said before I came . Well , says she , what said he in the middle of his Sermon ? Truly , says she , I was asleep then . Well what did he say at the latter end then ? Indeed forsooth , says she , I went away before 't was done . Well , howsoever I will have you tell me something of it . What , says she , d' ye think I am a Blab of my Tongue ? No I warrant you , I was better bred than so . 290. A precise Woman undertook to chastise her Daughter , and charg'd her to look no more upon Men ; but instead of that , when you are in their Company you must still look upon the Ground : No , Mother , says she , I beg your Pardon for that , for I see you don 't read the Bible often ; For we ought to look upon men from whence we came , and they on the ground from whence they came . And if I should not look upon 'em , how should I know whether I like them or no : and Mother I have often heard when were a Maid , that you never went to Church , but to shew your fine Cloaths , and to look upon young Men. Well thou hast convinced me , prethee Child take thy course . 291. A Gentleman coming to London immediately after the Fire , and coming to Fleet-street , there took notice how far the Fire had burnt , which was just to the Hercules Pillars , and no farther : Well , says he , 't is very much that the Fire should take notice of that saying of Hercules , viz. Ne plus ultra . 292. A Man it seems that had to his Wife as good a Woman as any was in England , but for Whoring , Lying , Swearing , Nastiness , and other such small infirmities , which made him define a Woman rightly as he thought . Says he , Women are born in Wiltshire , brought up in Cumberland , lead their lives in Bedfordshire , ( that is be in Cloth-fair near Smithfield , till twelve a Clock every day ) then bring their Husbands to Buckinghamshire , and die in Shrewsbury . 293. A humorous Gallant that kept two Boys , and they having committed some fault , he told 'em , he 'd kill 'em both ; but when he saw they were afraid , he would do them some Mischief , he call'd 'em to him , saying , first to one — Sirrah , you shall live , because you are little , and you Sirrah , because you are no bigger , and both because — you are but two : As I live , says one of them , my Master speaks very well . 294. A very rich Miser's Son , riding upon the High-way , was met by a Boy that was in great distress , and begg'd his charity : For Sir , says he , I cannot help my self ; and I am Fatherless besides : Get you gon you Rogue , says the good natur'd Gentleman what d' ye jeer me : Is that a fault Sirrah ? for I would think it a great happiness that I were Fatherless ▪ For thou grievest for thy Fathers death , and if thou do'st think it a great loss to thee , I 'll be so charitable to thee , as to feed thee with good wishes ; that is , I wish my Father had excus'd thine . 295. A Gallant had marcht in a bitter cold night up and down several streets to get him a Lodging , but no body would open to him , some perhaps not knowing him , and some perchance too well : at last he bethought himself of getting a Lodging a new kind of way , and so went to the Watch at Temple-Bar , and there call'd 'em all Rogues and other vile names , for which they had him to the Counter ; the next morning he was brought before the Alderman of the Ward , and he said to him , Methinks you look something like a Gentleman , pray what was the reason to abuse the Constable and his Watch thus without a cause ? Truly Sir , says he , I will tell you the truth ; I had gone from Street to street that bitter night to get some Lodging , but could find none : at last I thank 'em they brought me to the Counter , where I had a good ●●re , good Drink , and a good Bed ; for which courtesie I do here give them a Crown : and this I 'll assure you Sir was the cause and nothing else : And so he made his release . 296. Some Prentices in London , being indeed one Christmas to act a Play , when they were perfect , they came to a grave Citizen , and desired him to lend them his Cloaths to Act in a Play : No , says he , no body shall play the fool in my Cloths but my self . 297. A Gallant thought to put a trick upon one ( that he thought simple ) before great Company in a Room , but he prov'd a subtile Fellow , and as you 'll find baffled him . The question was , that he askt him , How old he was ? He said ever since he was born & twenty Weeks before : Then he askt him how he knew that ? Why , says he , that 's a question only to be askt of my Mother and the Midwife : for surely I don 't well remember it : Then he askt him how old he was since he was Christned ? He told him he could not tell : Why , says the Gallant , that 's much methinks , for I am sure you were there your self : Yes , says he , I was there , but I am sure you were not , because you never was at any Christning , not christned your self ; His Father being an Anabap ist . 298. Two Brothers that were Scholars in one Colledge and Bedfellows , did love the tossing of the pot so much ; that after all their Books weae well sold and pawn'd , then went their Cloths ; so that they had but one Suit , Hat , Gown , and Shoes and Stockings : so that one went abroad with the Cloths ; and t'other lay a-bed ; and so they releas'd each other day by day : at last their Father comes to Town , and sends for his two Sons ; the one came : He askt where his Brother was ? He told him he was to declaim to morrow , and was providing for it : then the next day the other Brother came , and his Brother took up his quarters in the Bed : and so they serv'd their Father two or three days ; and then he went to their Chamber privately and knockt , and when he was in , he found the other in Bed : At last he found the cause and removed them to another Tutor , who lookt better after them . 299. A Fellow was by the Judge condemned to lose his Ears for Perjury , and after he had stood long in the Pillory , the Jailor was coming to cut off both his Ears , and when he went to lay hold on 'em , found nothing but the places where they had been . What a pox , says the Jaylor , you Rogue d' ye abuse me ; to put me to the trouble and charge to cut off your Ears , and now all is ready you have no Ears you Dog ? Well , says he , I 'll go to the Judge 〈…〉 thou wert condemned before for Perjury , but now I 'll indite thee for Cousenage . Why friend , says the man , the Order runs that I should lose my Ears : but it does not bind me to find you Ears to cut off : I think I have done you a courtesie , seeing I have saved you so much labour . 300. There 's a Proverb which says , Two heads are better than one ; which made a Boy it seems bid his Father , when he went to buy some Sheep , to take their Dog with him : For , says he , he that you are to deal withal is a crafty fellow ; and though 't is said that two heads are better than one , that is , I think he means Codsheads , when they are both scarce enough for the company ; also if both the heads be without wit , 't were better have none . 301. There 's also a Proverb , which says When the Belly is full , then the Bones should be at rest . But Mr. Proverb , I think you are mistaken in this ; for all Women that are big bellied , are the most molested with Bones , and they then are least at rest . 302. An ingenious young Man that was sent to a Boarding-School to learn Latine and to Write , and after he had been there more than two years , his Father sent him a Letter that he should write to him , that he might see how he had profited both in his Learning and his Writing ; and so very Scholastically directs his Letter to his Father thus , To my most Obedient Father , which is my Mothers Husband , at the House where they live : Says a Man to him , They won't find the House by this direction : Puh ; says he , no body but knows my Fathers House , for if I were in the Town I could find it my self and yet I have not been there this two years . And at the end he subscribed thus , I cease ever to be your Dutiful Son : and so forth . 303. Two Oxonians were in a very great dispute there concerning the Man in the Moon , whether a Gentleman or a Citizen ? and after a great deal of Pro's and Con's between them , one of them solv'd it thus , that when the Moon was at full , then there was a Gentleman in her , but when she appeared with two Horns , then he might be confident there was a Citizen in her ; and that they were lunatick that did not believe it ; the Spanish Count de Luna being at that time come to take a view of Oxford , and to confirm it . 304. An Imperious Gentlewoman intending to make a great Feast for some of her Friends and Relations , sent one of her Servants ( which formerly had been a Servitor in Oxford ) to invite those Persons to the said Feast ; and when he came back , she askt him what he had done ? Madam , says he , I have commanded them all to come . Why , you impudent Raskal , says she , I commanded you to bid ' em . Alack-a-day , Madam says he , I wonder your Ladyship should talk so strangely ; having been in the Imperative Mood so long your self , that you should not know , That to bid and command is all one there . Sirrah I bid you go out of my sight . Madam , says he , I am at your command ; and is not that all one , when your Ladiship and I so well agree . 305. One passing by the Watch at Aldgate , says the Watch men , Who 's there ? Says he , Mine Ar — then they acquainted the Constable with it , for using such unseemly Language : then says the Worshipful Mr. Constable . How dare you use such a word to them ? O Mr. Constable , says he , are you there ? Though I us'd it to them , I do confess I dare not to you ; for in truth Sir , now I have left mine Ar — behind me . Well , says the Constable , the next time you do so ▪ I will make you leave your Sword behind , and instead of casting up your sums with a pen , I shall make you do it in Counters . 306. A French-man , as I hear , coming late by Ludgate one night ; says one of the Watch to him , Stand and come before the Constable , Begar , says he , that is very pretty ; I cannot stand and come before the Constable too . Stand , I say , says another , and come before the Constable . At which the French-man laught heartily , saying , Begar des men be all ingenious , stand and come before de Constable ; at last the Constable appears , Sir , says he , whither are you going ? Begar dat's very pretty too . Mr. Constable I love you very much great deal well , cause you be so lik● my Wife ; for when I go out a door , she says , Husband whither are you going ? just like you Mr. Constable . Sir says he , Whither are you going now ? Begar Mr. Constable me be going there where you dare not go . Where 's that ? says the Constable . Why begar , says he , to bed to my own Wife Mark you dat Mr. Constable : an● st●● laught on● that the Constable to be rid , as he thought of such impertinency , let him go . 307. Two Fellows were earing of a large Dish of Porridge together , and being very hot , they would be a blowing of it ; says t'other , If you blow any more , I 'll take you a blow o' the chops . With that that the other turn'd about to the Dish , and let a rousing Fa — What a pox , says he , if you blow your porridge a that manner , you shall lap by your self . Hold your tongue , says he , or else I shall lap your sides . 308. A widdow in Oxford having been long in possession of an Inn called the Maiden-head there , and as she thought lawfully ; but another laying claim to it , they both went to Law , and her adversary overthrew her ; for which she extreamly grieved : then an ancient acquaintance of hers askt her why she griev'd so much : She told him she had lost her Maidenhead . Why , says he ; were you never married ? Yes says she , married to him that brought me this Maiden-head , but I could not keep it : so that now I find there 's a Law against keeping of Maiden-heads : for I lost it by Law. Law you now , says he , but I pray let me ask you a question , Did the loss of this Maidenhead trouble you so much as that before ? O says she , I had rather have lost that twenty times over , than this once : for that Maidenhead I can shew in the house , but the other Maidenhead is gone with the house ; and never to be retriev'd agen . 309. Henry Martin the great Rumper , for you know all Martins are Birds , and he being so , flew so high before ; but after the Kings most happy Restauration , was brought so low , as to kneel at the Bar of the Lords House ; though 't is thought he never came into the Lords House before , unless it Were to see a handsome Girl there : But at the Lords Bar he was askt what he could say , that Judgement should not pass upon him ? My Lords , says he , I understood that the Kings Proclamation extended to favour of life , upon rendring my self : which I then did : And withal , my Lords , I do let you to know , and I do ingeniously confess it , that I never obey'd any of His Majesties Proclamations before , but this : and I hope I shall not be hang'd for taking the Kings word now . 310. King James being in his Progress at Woodstock in Oxfordshire , the King finding it to rain so one morning that he could not ride a Hunting ; had got some of the Nobility and Gentry together , resolving to be merry : And one bumour was , that the King having that morning a fine curvet●ing Horse given him , which kind of Horse he never lik'd in his life ; told them , that he that could tell the greatest lie should have that Horse : So one told one lie , and another another ; and several had told others , that there was great laughing ; and just in the midst of this mirth in comes a Country Fellow , complaining to the King that some of his Servants had wrong'd him : ' Well , well , says the King , we 'll hear you of that anon : Come , come hither amongst us , and you must know that he that can tell the greatest lie shall have that horse Truly Sir , says he an 't please your Grace I never told a lie in all my life : With that says the King , Give him the Horse , give him the Horse , for I am sure that is the greatest lie that has been told to day . 311. Some Oxford Scholars when they did intend to perform that Journey called Iter Boreale went first to Worcestershire , then-through Shropshire , Cheshire , Lancashire , Westmoreland and Cumberland , and so to Dumfrees , and then to Glascow , and having seen the Western parts of Scotland came then toward the East , viz. To St. Johnsons , Dundee , St. Andrews , Edinbourgh , Dunbar , and Barwick , and so came into England East-wards : from thence to New-castle , Durham , York , Hull , and over the arm of the Sea at Hull , which is six miles broad there , into Lincolnshire , and so to Norfolk : and being in the City of Norwich at an Inn , and their Money after so long a journey running low : it seems in the morning the Landlord brought 'em up a sawcy Reckoning , which they perusing shakt their heads , and well they might , for they could not shake their Purses then : Then says the Landlord to them , Gentlemen I see you 'r Scholards , and if you can but tell me how I may be eased of a great trouble which lies upon me , I will give you a Gallon of Sack. They askt him what is was ? He told 'em , he was so infinitely troubled with Rats , that they destroyed most of the Goods in his House . Well , says the Scholars , bring up your Gallon of Wine , and we 'll give you a remedy for your trouble of the Rats , which if you follow , we 'll warrant you they 'll never trouble you more : and that is this , The first thing you must do , is to prepare a great Supper , and then invite all the Rats you have in the House to that Supper , and in the morning do but bring them up such a Bill as you have brought to us and if they trouble your House more I 'll be h●●g'● . Well Gentlemen , says he , I see you want Mony , I will , if you please to accept of it , le●d you Five Pound and excu●e you the paying of your Bill ●●ill three months after your arrival into Oxford , and before that time I 'll send my Son to receive that and the Five pound , and do intend he shall stay at what Colledge you please , but I must have one of you to be his Tutor . And about six weeks after the Son came , and was admitted into Christs-Church Colledge , of which Colledge those Iter-borealeans were : of which kindness for the Mony lent , and excusing the Bill , these Scholars made an excellent Copy of Verses , and sent it to their Landlord in Norwich and Forty Shillings to drink their Healths , which was done so to the purpose , that they were all fain to be led to Bed that night . 312. A Gentleman meeting with one of the Fallow Deer which had stray'd out of Whetson's Park , and so must needs be Fallow , because she followed him to a House where there were several others in a large Room dancing Country Dances ; and after some Dances , it was his turn to lead up a Dance ; she askt him what Dance he would call ? He said , Feeble Robin , which is an old Country Dance . No , says she , I hate that : Then he told her he would call Mall Stanhopes Delight . Yes says she , I like that : Well , says she , name some more though : W●… what say you To go to bed in the dark ? Yes , says she , that 's well enough too . Then , says he , what say you to Under and Over ? Yes , says she , that I think 's best : But first we 'll begin with Mall Stanhopes Delight , and then Go to Bed in the dark , and at last Under and Over ; and so dance them ( as the neighbours in our Alley say ) one after another . 313. An Ingenious Cavalier in Oliver's days , that was a Person of Quality , was then by the Protectors Order put into the Tower , and after he had been there a pretty while , says the Lievtenant of the Tower to him , Sir I hope you like your Cheer well , for I endeavour to provide the best for you I 'll assure you : Yes truly Mr. Lievtenant , says the Prisoner , I do not mislike my fare ; but whensoever you see that I do mislike it , then thrust me out adoors , and I shall be so far from taking it ill from you , that I will think you have done me a favour in it . 314. A man that had been a Four years Voyage at Sea , and when he came home , his dear and Vertuous Wife coming to meet and welcome him home , brought a little Boy in her Arms of a Twelve month Old ; which he preceiving , Umph , says , he : And Umph , says she , agen , you might have come home sooner then : Why , says he , I came home as soon as my conveniency would give me leave : And I , says she , staid as long as my conveniency would give me leave : Well , says he , whose Child is this ? Why mine , says she , and that that is mine is yours , for I can lawfully call nothing my own but my Ring , Fillet , and Hair-lace , and therefore the Child is yours ; How will you prove it , says he ? Why thus , says she , here hold it in your Arms ; and as he took it , Now says she , I freely give it you . Nay now , says he ; I am satisfied , and know 't is mine ; therefore prithee get it a good Nurse ; for I 'll have none of my Children that comes so easily to be Nurst at home . 315. A dear and Loving wife , that always bore a great respect to her Husband , both in Sickness and in Health , and now did make it appear to the very last ; for when her dear Husband was in Essex condemned to die , for a small matter , God knows that is only for stealing four or five Horses , and breaking up as many Houses : So this sweet loving Soul his wife , hearing where he was , came and gave him a visit . Wife says he , you see what I am come to now , prithee pray for me , and have a care to bring up our Children in the fear of God. Husband , says she , as soon as I heard of it , you see I came to you , and as you know I have always been loving to you ; you shall now find it at the last : Pray Husband tell me , are we to be at the charge of a Rope or they , for I would have all things ready that might do you a Kindness : For here I have brought one forty Miles to do you a Courtesie . And so left the Rope with him . Well Wife , says he , I thank you heartily , and pray go home and look after the Children : No Husband , says she , I have not come so far , but a Grace a God I 'll see you hang'd before I go . 316. A very great Student , that had written many excellent Books , and one among the rest was , he had wrote a History of the whole World : This said Student it seems had lost himself in a Wood , because he took little notice of the Path ; being still in a musing condition : At last being weary , and his Stomach crying Cupboard also , began very seriously to endeavour to get out of the Wood ; and after he had wandered about a great while , he met by chance with a Country Man that liv'd near Oxford and was then going thither to Market ( which Country Man knew him very well ) then he desired him to guide him out of the Wood , and he 'd give him Six pence , Sir , says he , I do admire very much , that you that have writ a Tract of the whole World , should not now find the Tract out of this little Wood ? Friend , says he , I think thou art Wood : Sir , says he , if I am mad , I am not fit to be your guide , but you speak as if you mere in a wood : Yes faith , says the Student , so I am ; and I would fain get out on 't if I could . 317. Another Simple Rumpish Minister , as he was riding one Afternoon to a Parsonage which he had eight Miles from Oxford , which he used to do every Saturday ( that is if it be fair ) to Preach there on Sunday , but if otherwise , then one of the Junior Fellows in the Colledge , where he was Head , was sent in his room . This said Minister , se●ing a Boy at Plough in the Fields with Oxen ( which it seems was a smart knave ) rid up with his Man to him , and there began to catechize the Boy notably ; and after the Boy had answered him hand-pat to all his questions ( which the Parson admired ) Now Sir , says the Boy , I hope you 'll give me leave to ask you a Question : Yes , Boy , says he , with all my heart . Pray Sir , says he 〈◊〉 tell me who made these O●… 〈…〉 says the Parson : Nay that 's a lie , says the Boy , for God made 'em Bulls , but my Father made 'em Oxen. And so drove away the Plough and whistled on still , that though the Parson askt him many other questions , yet he took no notice of him , nor did not afford him another word . Then he and his Man rode away from him . This Story his Man told when he came home , for which his good Master turn'd him out a-doors ; so kind they were still to all that told truth , 318. A Plain Country Fellow , coming to the Market at Brainford one Tuesday , he cheapned of a Butcher a Shoulder of Mutton ; the Butcher told him he would have Twenty pence for it . Fie , says he , twenty pence , I 'll tell you not long since , you goodman Brown there 's a Man in this Town , that is call'd John Bennet , who within this Sennet , sold me a Shoulder of Mutton , witness your Neighbour John Sutton , for no more than fourteen pence ; or I wish I may ne'r go hence : Well , says the Butcher , strait Take it so , for this conceit : Probatum est . 319. A Gentleman having drank very hard at the Kings-Head Tavern , came Reeling out up Chancery Lane , and chanced to Reel within the Rails of the Pump , and kept his motion round so long that he was tired ; whereupon leaning on the Rail , he askt one that passed by where he was , he told him over against the Chancery : I thought so ( says he ) and that 's the Reason I think I shall never get out of this place . 320. A sturdy Beggar meeting a high Commander of the long Parliament Army ( under whom he was a Souldier ) began to beseech his Honors Charity upon a poor crippl'd Souldier , that had lost his Blood and Limbs in the States Service : The Officer very gravely answer'd him , He had not for him : God bless your Honor , for although you are not in humor to supply my wants at this present , I am ever bound to pray for your Honour , because you have saved my Life ; at which word , his Honor vouchsaf'd to look back , and ask'd him where , and how he had sav'd his Life ? To which the Beggar replied , Your Honour may Remember , when you fled into the Saw-pit , I followed you , or else I had stood to , and been Slain , I thank your good Honour . 321. Two old Companions ( that had not seen each other a great while ) met in St. Paul's Church-yard , who after some little Discourse ( had in the Street ) agreed by consent , to go to the Feathers-Tavern , where they sate pecking , from six in the Evening , till past ten at night , and having in this time drank sufficiently , one of 'em desired to be gone , urging to him that he knew his Impediment , viz. He could neither go nor stand when he was Drunk ; well , says the other , and thou knowest I am Tongue-tied , and cannot speak when I am fudled ; but I believe that one pint more will neither hinder my talking , nor thy walking : 'faith says the other , if I cannot go thou must lead me : he answered him , he would , and the t'other pint brought both of them to their Infirmities , so that the one was Lame , and the t'other was Dumb , and having paid the reckoning ( about eleven a Clock ) the Dumb Man , by the help of the Drawers , got the Lame Man down stairs , where at the Bar he takes the Lame Man upon his back , and away he marches with him towards Ludgate , where the Watch being set , before they came near , they call'd , Who goes there ? Come before the Constable . So the Dumb Man ( unseen by the Watch ) set 〈◊〉 the Lame Man in the dark by the Prison door upon a Bench , and goes to the Constable , who ask'd him what he did out so late ? And where he had been ? To all which the Dumb Man made many mouths and signs , but could not answer ; the Lame Man in the dark being troubled to hear his Friend so hardly put to it with Questions , calls out to the Constable , and tells him , He cannot speak ; what says the Constable , is there more of you ? Come you before the Constable and answer , you can speak ; but I can't go , says the other , with that they went all to him ; and he gave them so sufficient an account of what they were , where they had been , what were their impediments , and how they got together ; that the Constable and Watch laugh'd heartily , bidding the Dumb Man take up his Lame Luggage , and march home . 322. When Dun that kept the Meremaid-Tavern in Cornhill , being himself in a Room with some witty Gallants , one of them ( which it seems knew his VVife ) too boldly cryed out in a fantastick humor , I 'll lay five pound There 's a Cuckold in this Company , 〈…〉 another . 323. An old Recorder of a City in this Land was busie with a Country Mayor ; in the mean space they were interrupted by a fellow that was brought before him for killing a Man : The Recorder asked the Fellow's Name ; who answer'd his Name was Gilman ; said the Recorder , take away G. and thy Name is Ilman , put K. to it , thy Name is Kilman , and put Sp. to it thy Name is Spilman , thou art half hang'd already , ( as the Proverb says ) for thou hast an ill-name , let a Man vary it how he can : The Mayor all this while stood by musing at the Recorders canvasing the Man's Name ; and afterwards being at home among his own good People , he had an offender brought before him for getting a Wench with Child , Master Mayor ask'd him his Name , the Fellow said , if it please your Worship , my Name is Johnson : Then Master Mayor ( striving to imitate the Recorder ) said , Take away G. and thy Name is Ilman , put K. to it , Thy Name is Kilman , put Sp. to it , thy Name is Spilman : Thou art a Knave thou hast an ill Name , and thou shalt be hanged , take my word for it . 324. Three Young conceited wits sitting in a Tavern very merry , it chanced that a grave old Gentleman with a Gray-beard looked into the Room , whom as soon as they espied , to show their Wit , one saluted him with the name of Father Abraham , the other with Isaac , and the third with Jacob. I am ( said the Gentleman ) neither Father Abraham , Isaac , nor Jacob , but Saul the Son of Kish , who went out to seek his Fathers Asses , and here I find them , and here I leave them . 325. A Gentleman being a great distance from his own House , and having very urgent reasons for his speedy return , rid Post , having Supt , and being in Bed with his Wife , he said , Dearest , excuse me to Night that I pay not that Tribute due to our Loves ; for I am so weary that I am uncapable of doing any thing but sleep : These Words were none of the most pleasant you may think to a young sanguine Gentle woman , after a long absence of a lusty Husband . Not long after , walking in his back-yard with his Wife in his hand , he chanced to see a Cock , he took great delight in , sitting in the Sun asleep , reject●●● 〈…〉 of his Fruitless Wives : Prithee sweet Heart ( said he ) what ails my Cock , that he thus hangs his Head , and follows not the Hens ? Indeed I do not know , Husband , ( said she ) unless he hath lately ridden Post . 326. A French man that spoke very broken English , bespoken a dish of Fish , being on the Table , and seeing but little Pepper , by the Corruption of his Pronunciation , he called for more Piss instead of Spice , the Woman took away the Dish , and did as she thought he did bid her , and brought it in again ; I say , said he , a little more Piss , with that she carried it out , and her Daughter Pist upon it , and then brought it in ; but he still cried a little more Piss ; well Sir , said she , I will warrant you shall have enough now , and then carried it to her Maid , a strapping Girl , but the Frenchman was still unsatisfied , and cried out for more Piss ; Well Sir , let me tell you , I , my Daughter , and Maid-Servant have all Pist as much as we can upon it , and if that will not satisfy you , even Piss upon it your self . 327. A cheating Monyless Traveller coming to an Inn , sent for a Shoemaker to bring him choice of Boots : A Shoemaker brings three or four pair , one pair very well fitted him , being both drawn on , he askt the price , and was told it ; but the Traveller , desired the Shoemaker that he would trust him till that day Seven night , and he would pay him faithfully ; but the Shoemaker said , he was a stranger to him , and required present payment , or his Boots again : The other perceiving there was no hopes of prevailing , gets to the Inn-gate discoursing , and having designed his way , runs quite through the Town , and the Shoemaker after him , crying out , stop him , stop him , stop him ; and some going to stop him , he cryed out to them , Pray do not stop me , we two run a race for a Wager , Lin Boots , and he in Shoes and Stockings ; which the People believing , some cried , Well run Boots , others , Well run Shoes , and Stockings . Boots wins the Wager , and it were for a Hundred Pounds . Thus the Poor Shoemaker was run out of his Boots , and almost out of Wits . 328. A Wild young man being married to a witty young woman , being a good Houswife and a Shrew , had but one only Child of a quarter old , by him tenderly belov'd . He would often be drunk , and she as often would maunder with him ; and often threaten to throw his Child into the Pond , the next time he came home drunk : not many Nights after , she having Inteligence of his drinking with debauched Companions , she forms a design , bids her Maid carry his beloved Infant to a Neighbour's House , and laps a Cat very formally in Bed and Blankets , and lays it in the Cradle ; having done , home comes her Husband whom she saluted with a look like a Storm , and a thundring Speech , and by him as hotly returned ; but she in a frame high Passion , runs to the Cradle , takes out the Cat in her formalities , and cryes , I have often threatned , now I 'll be revenged , runs to the Pond , and flings it in , he after her with , Good dear Wife , save the Child , but too late : he runs in after it up to the Shoulders in a cold Winters night , got hold on the Mantle , comes ashore , crying , Oh! my poor Child , lays it before the Fire , unpins the Blankets , and amazed Puss springs out 〈…〉 which made his Wife laugh heartily . He vowed a Reformation , she warmed his Bed put him on a dry shirt , sent for the Child home and to bed they went. 329. A Young Married Woman in Cheapside , in the Morning being a bed , her Husband being underneath in the Shop selling of his Tinkets below , she was playing her tricks above ; for she trying to put her heal over her Neck : Which being done , she could not get it back again , but with striving , tumbled off the bed . Her Husband hearing a great noise above sent up his Prentice , a raw Country Boy , to see what was the matter , who came down and told his Master , That his Mistress was bewitch'd or turn'd into an Owl ; and that she had fallen off the Bed , and with the fall had gotten a great gash on her shoulder . 330. A Welsh-man riding with a charge of Money behind him , was set upon by a Thief , who bad him deliver immediately ; or ( drawing a Pistol ) said , he would make it bounce through him ; says hur so , says the Welsh-man , since hur hath hur Money , let hur hear one pounce for it ; for hur never heard the pounce of a Cun. The good naturd Thief to satisfy the Curiosity of the Welsh-man , ( whom he look'd on as a very silly Fellow ) discharged his Pistol , which Echoed in many places , Cuds splutter a nails , says the Welsh-man , it was a gallant Pounce , and there was many little pounces too ; good hur Vrship let hur have one pounce more for hur money , and hur will be satisfied : So the Thief discharged the other ; at which the Welsh-man seem'd better pleased than before , and ask'd if he had no more pounces ; no said the Thief , I have no more . No ( said the Welshman ) then hur has one pounce in store , which hur will make pounce through hur immediately if hur deliver not hur Money back presently , and so forced the Thief to re-deliver . 331. A Young-man Married a cross piece of flesh , who not contented , though her Husband was very kind , continual complaints to her Father , to the great grief of both Families ; the Husband being no longer able to indure this Scurvy humor , banged her soundly : hereupon she complained to her Father , who understanding well the perverseness of her humor , took her to task , and laced her sides soundly too ; saying , go and commend me to your Husband , and tell him I am now even with him , for I have cudgelled his Wife , as well as he hath beaten my Daug●ters . 332. A Gentleman who had a Ruby Face , came to a Barber to be trimm'd , and ask'd the Fellow if he could or durst trim him ? The Barber replied , That he learn'd his Trade , and kept Shop on purpose , and therefore both could , durst , and would trim him , if he pleased ; but , quoth the Gallant , behold my Face , and the rugg'd difficulty of Shaving . If you trim me without blood-shed , I will give you ten Shillings ; but if I find you draw Blood , with this Stilletto I will stab you immediately : The Brisk Barber being more tempted with the rare reward of ten Shillings , than dismayed by his threatning , undertakes him , and very artfully trimm'd him without blood-shed , and the Gentleman was well pleased ; but withal asked how he durst venture upon him since he was in so much hazard of his Life , to whom the Barber replied , I had no cause to fear my Life ▪ For if I had fetched Blood of your Face , before you could have been sensible of it , I would quickly have let you Blood in the Wind pipe , and secured me from your Stab . The Gentleman held up his Hands in thanks for his deliverance , and vowed never to be trimm'd upon those Conditions again . 233. In the beginning of the Spring , when scarce one flower was seen to bud out , a Scotch Gallant by chance espying a Primrose fairly brown ; and going to pluck it , considered with himself , how much more proper it might be for his Mistress to gather it with her fair hands , and resolves to intreat her thither ; but fearing it should be plucked in his absence , he covered it with his Hat , and walks to the Ladies Chamber . In the mean time one passing by , takes up the Hat , crops the Flower , leaving in the room thereof a Rose of stronger savour , covers it with the Hat and departs . Presently after comes the Scotch-man leading of his Lady , expressing the rarity of the Flower , and that 't was his Fortune to find it , and that none but her Virgin-hand was fit to pluck it . Whereis this Flower , quoth she , you so much commend ? Here , sweetest Lady , answered he , carefully covered with my Beaver ; and with that ( curriously removing on 't ) discovers the Flower in a smoaking Fragrancy . The Scotch-man blushes , the Lady rails . What he then thought , or how her dainty Nostrils took it , is left to the Reader 's Conception . 334. A very honest and prudent Gentleman had the ill fortune to marry a Wife a grain too light ; one day returning home , he went up the stairs , and found his Chamber door open , entring , he caught his Wife and the Adulterer ( who were so intent upon their sport that they minded nothing else ) in the very act ; the Gentleman seemingly unmoved , said , Wife , Wife , Wife , Indeed you don't do well to expose your own and my reputation thus to the hazard of being lost by carelessness : Sure in a business , that so nearly concerns us both , you might have shut the door : I pray consider what if any one else had come and caught you in this posture ; and so went and left them the midness of this reproof so effectually wrought upon this Woman , that she ever after abhorred the thought of enjoying any other Man but her Husband . A PREACHMENT ON MALT . CErtain Townsmen of Prisal , returning from a merry Meeting at a certain Ale-house , met in the Fields a Preacher , who had lately made a bitter Sermon against Drunkards , and among other opprobrious words , called them Malt-worms . Wherefore they agreed to take him , and by violence compel him to Preach a Sermon , and his Text should be MALT ▪ The Preacher thinking it better to yield than contend with them in their cause , began his Sermon as followeth . There is no Preaching without Division-and this Text cannot well be divided into many parts , because it is but one word , nor into many Syllables , because it is but one Syllable : It must therefore be divided into Letters , and they are 〈◊〉 to be four , viz. M , A , L , T , These letters represent four interpretations , which Divines commonly do use thus , M. Moral , A. Allegorical , L. Literal , T. Tropological . The Moral Interpretation is well put first , and first to teach you boysterious Men some good manners , at least in procuring your attention to the Sermon ; Therefore M. Masters , A. All , L. Listen , T. to the Text. An Allegory is when one thing is spoen , and another thing meant ; The thing spoken is Malt , the thing meant is the Oyl of Malt , commonly call'd Ale , which to you Drunkards is so precious , that you account it to be M. Meat , A. Ale , L. Liberty , T. Treasure . The literal sense is as it hath been often heard of heretofore , so it is true acording to the letter , M. Much , A. Ale , L. Little , T. Th 〈…〉 The Tropological sence applyeth that which now is to somewhat following , either in this world , or in the world to come the thing that now is , is the effect which Oyl of Malt produceth and worketh in some of you , viz. M. Murther , in others A. Adultery , in all L. Loose living , in many T. Treason , and that which hearafter ●…oweth , both in this world and in the world to come , is M. Misery , A. Anguish , L. Lamentation , T. Trouble . I shall now come to a conclusion , and withal , to pepswade you boysterious men to amend , that so you may escape the danger wherein to many of you are like to fall but I have no hopes to prevail , because I plainly see , and my Text as plainly telleth me it is M. to A. that is , a Thousand Pound to a Pot of Ale you will never mend , because all Drunkards are L. Lewd , T. Thieves , but yet for discharging my Conscience and duty , First towards God , and Secondly towords you my Neighbours , I say once again , concluding with my Text , M. Mend , A. All , and L. Leave , T. Tipling . otherwise , M. Masters , A. All , L. Look for T. Terrour and Torment . By this time the Ale wrought in the Townsmens Brains that theh were between Hawk and Buzzard , nearer sleeping than waking , which the Preacher perceiving stole a way , Leaving them to take their Nap. FINIS .