Versatile ingenium, The Wittie companion, or Jests of all sorts. From citie and countrie, court and universitie. : With an account of the life of the laughing philosopher Democritus of Abder̀a. / By Democritus Junior. Burton, Robert, 1577-1640. 1679 Approx. 400 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 121 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2008-09 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A95862 Wing V257A ESTC R185956 43077732 ocm 43077732 151844 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A95862) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 151844) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English Books, 1641-1700 ; 2278:12) Versatile ingenium, The Wittie companion, or Jests of all sorts. From citie and countrie, court and universitie. : With an account of the life of the laughing philosopher Democritus of Abder̀a. / By Democritus Junior. Burton, Robert, 1577-1640. [8], 232 p. Printed by Stephen Swart, at the crowned Bible, near the Exchange., Amsterdam, : Anno 1679. Page 198 incorrectly numbered 196. Reproduction of original in: William Andrews Clark Memorial Library, University of California, Los Angeles, California. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. Gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. 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Copies of the texts have been issued variously as SGML (TCP schema; ASCII text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable XML (TCP schema; characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless XML (TEI P5, characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or TEI g elements). Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng Democritus. English wit and humor -- Early works to 1800. 2007-05 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2007-05 Apex CoVantage Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2007-06 Pip Willcox Sampled and proofread 2007-06 Pip Willcox Text and markup reviewed and edited 2008-02 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion VERSATILE INGENIUM , The Wittie COMPANION , Or Jests of all Sorts . From Citie and Countrie , Court and Universitie . With an account of the Life of the laughing Philosopher DEMOCRITUS of ABDERA . By DEMOCRITUS Junior . — De Sapientibus alter Ridebat , quotiès à limine moverat unum Protuler atque pedem . Juv. Sat. Utere Convivis non tristibus , utere amicis , Quos nugae & risus & joca salsa juvant . Schol. Salern . de conserv . valetud . AMSTERDAM , Printed by Stephen Swart , at the crowned Bible , near the Exchange . ANNO 1679. On The Collection of Jests , entitled , The Wittie Companion , or Jests of all sorts , Tvvo Rustics Talking . I Tell thee Bob , where I have been , Where I the rarest Jests have zeen , ô Jests without compare ; Such Jests again cannot be shown In Oxford , no , nor Cambridg town They be so verie rare : I yesterday did go to buy ▪ A Book ( thou know'st for thee and I ) Of something that was prettie , And when Poor Robins Jests I saw , Me thoughts th'were old and lean and raw , Not like his Almanacs wittie . I then did ask for ALL SORTS OF JESTS , Which Bob thou know'st come from the breasts Of MANY that are wittie : The Man to me did then confess , They were not yet come out o' th' Press ; Quoth I , the more 's the pittie : At last he shew'd the verie copie Of that i' th' press : I am a verie puppie , Bob , if e're the like was zeen , Before I half a score had read , With laughing ( if it may be zed ) I 'd like to have broke my spleen . I then did ' point to read 'em o're , Such Jests I never heard before , 'Fore George 't is true our Bob : And e're that I had read 'em half , I found I was so great with laugh , I thought my zides would squobb : Then hey for this Book now I zay , Evaith I long to zee the day That it shall printed be , Then thee and I will each buy one For our two Sweet-hearts , Nell , and Jone , For Mirth and Melodie . The Book-seller to the Intelligent Reader . WEre there books written of the smallest matters , there would be hardly any use of experience ; says a great Person : for as reading is a converse with the wise , so action for the most part is a commerce with fools ; there being in human nature generally more of the fool than of the wise , upon which account those qualities or endowments which take the weaker part of mens minds are observed to prevale infinitly , if practis'd seasonably : such Books therefore are to be esteem'd not as altogether unprofitable that doe awaken our reason , subtilize our wits , and marshal our conceptions of things : a wittie conceit being oftentimes a good convoy of truth , which otherwise could not so handsomly be ferried over : and amidst affairs transacted in the world , it is a matter more politic than one would think smoothly to pass from Jeast to Earnest , and from Earnest to Jeast : yet let me advertise you by the by , that certain things there are which ought to be priviledged from Jeasts ; namely , Religion , Matters of State , great persons any mans present business of importance , and any case that deserveth pittie : tho the present collection being indeed as a Speculum Microcosmi , kind of prospect into the manners , humors and dispositions of men in general , may well be excus'd if in some few places it does not in every point so exactly quadrate to the intentions specified ; it may suffice that we here see what heretofore have been the subjects of human wit , and that we now know for the future what ought not to be , Fare well then — Rest you merrie , don't slite us , Not one page is here for Heraclitus , Be not so grave as Cato was to come To a public mirth , and so quit the room , Quit rather your turbid cares once with us Consult the writing of Democritus ; These pages per-us'd we can't but agree , RATIONALE is RISIBILE . A brief Memorial of the life of Democritus the Philosopher , from the writings of Hippocrates , Laërtius , and others . DEmocritus the famous Philosopher of Abdèra , was instructed first by the Magi and Chaldeans ; afterwards became the Disciple of Anaxagoras : the estate left to him and his two brethren being divided , his part came to an hundred talents ; this portion encouraged him to trrvel to Aethiopia , to Egypt , and some say to the Indies ; cercertain it is great knowledg he attain'd to in Philosophie both Natural and Moral ; great experience he had in the Mathematics , and all the liberal Sciences , being thus accomplished he grew at last so far in love with himself , that his solitude became his most real pleasure , all the various affairs of the general part of man-kind being to his Philosophic mind nothing more than a diversion from serious thoughts , a wild farce and rediculous Scene of things , he conld never consider the many little concerns of the multitude , or once look into the Labyrinth of the busie world , but he presently brake into a laughter to see How busily about the streets men run , Some to un-do , and some to be un-don . But it seems this same self-pleasing humour carried him at last too far , so that the citizens of Abdèa for some time knew not well what to think of him , and at last concluded him absolutely mad ; they much lamented his condition exceeding loath they were that a person of so great worth should so mis-carry and be quite lost amongst them ; they met together , and the result of their consult was to send for Hippocrates , the greatest Physician the world then had ( or perhaps may ever have ) to undertake his recovery . The Physician came , and the people flock'd about him , entreating him to use the uttermost of his art : He visited the patient , whom he found in his garden , all alone under a Plane tree , without either stockings or shoose , with books before him intent at his study , haveing dissected several sorts of creatures which lay before him : Sir , said Hippocrates , I am glad to see you so well employ'd , I pray to what end are all these dissections ? of late , answer'd he , I have been very curious to find out the true causes of Madness and Melancholy , and on this account it is that you see so many different Anatomies lie before me ; Happy man , said Hippocrates , who can take to himself so much leasure thus to contemplate the works of God and Nature : and are not you too that happy man who can assume to your self so much leasure when you please , replied Democritus ? I wish indeed I were , said he ; but how many concerns at home , how many affairs abroad of a quite different nature am I to look into and dispatch for my self and others ? this neighbour or that friend , a necessarie , or a complemental visit , the health of this or the diseases of that , a wedding on the one hand , or a funeral on the other , wife , children , servants , such things as these take up the greatest portions of my time : at the hearing of this Democritus so profusely laughed , that Hippocrates startled at it , and ask'd him the reason of it : can any man , says he , of reason forbear laughing at the contradictory vanities and absurd humours of men ? how emptie are they of wit and virtue , and what a bustle and stir do they make for gold ? what end is there of their ambition ? what infinite pains for a short pageantrie , a little glory , to acquire wealth or honour , tho their lifes are paid down in the purchase ! some fancie an empire over dogs , and some over horses , some are for governing their wives , if they can , and some for ruleing provinces . How many have even doted on their new brides , and yet ere long have forsaken them or wish'd them dead ; and how many parents have given up their children to the worlds mercie , and yet by all means imaginable they must endeavour after wealth , tho when 't is obtein'd 't is not enjoyed , but either hoarded up or viciously spent , perverting that to the destruction of body and torment of mind which is design'd to sustein in the one & solace the other : what truth , what Justice is to be found amongst them ? one pleads this and the other pleads that , they are going thurrow the world , and all the way they pass they pull and hale and quarrel for that which they are leaving ; and what is most of all to be laugh'd at is that those that are nearest their journeys end are the most sollicitous and greedy of all , so earnestly grasping at what they cannot retain , with one foot in the grave laying a dead hold on that of which they can have no possession after death . When after this manner he had represented the ridiculous contrarieties that are every where to be found in the world , his Physician percieved that he had not to do with a sick man ; all his discourse proveing so sound and rational ; Divine Democritus , said he , surely all the world is mad but thee , and haveing took his leave of him , he declared to those that had committed Democritus to his care , that tho the Philosopher appeared indeed somewhat negligent as to his attire and diet , yet that the world had not a more judicious , learned , or more generous spirited man than he , and that for the future any ones fancy to the contrarie should be to him one certain sign of that persons not being in his right wits who concieved so . The fame of Democritus his learning afterwards grew very much in the world ; his predictions of future things were wonderfull ; and particularly his skill in Physiognomy rendred Hippocrates himself an admirer of him ; amidst manie one famous instance upon this account we may well take notice of ; 't was this ; A Maid came to him one day , and he call'd her Virgin , she came to him the next day immediatly after , and he call'd her woman , and told her that he percieved she had lost her Maiden-head since shee had been last with him . He was honoured with great presents and verie magnificent statues : he protracted his death three days by smelling too hot breed ; died near the 80th Olympiad , having lived an 109 years ; and had a very sumptuous funeral at the public charge of the citizens . H. C. The WITTIE COMPANION . Democritus Junior , in conference with four Philosophie wits , resolving the Question , who are the most ingenious of the world ? BY Ingenious , I concieve , are meant inventive , subtle , or acute persons , so that he that understands , discourses , and exercises the functions of the soul more subtly than an other is styled ingenious , thus Apelles , when otherwise unknown , was discovered by a third line , which he drew upon two others , so small , that none but he could have drawn it : And in a dispute he that best distinguishes a term confounded by the Antagonist , passeth for the most subtle and ingenious ; So likewise does any Artificer , that makes the most subtle and curious pieces of work , as Mark Scaliot , a black-smith of London , made a pad-lock of iron , steel , and bras of eleven several pieces , with a key , all clean wrought , which weighed but one grain of gold , ( which is but one wheat corn ) he made too a chain of gold of forty three lincks , to which chain the lock and key being fastened , and put about a fleas neck , the flea drew it all with ease ; and lock , key , chain , and flea altogether weighed but one grain and an half . Jo. Tredeskins Ark , in Lambeth , shews many instances of this nature : Non minori miraculo in parvis ludit natura quàm in magnis , says Cardan , and we may justly say , that art as well as nature is never more wonderfull , than in the smallest pieces ; for as they that can perceive the least objects , are most clear sighted , so minds not contented to be taken up with vulgar thoughts , or to concieve common and gross things , are to be reputed the most ingenious ; and upon this account the choleric complexion and southern people , whose climate produces that humor most , are to be esteem'd the greatest witts . To which 't was answered . That if ingenuity consisted only in subtlety , there would be none in making a Colossus , in erecting glorious palaces , and contriveing the most magnificent structures of the world , wherein surely there is far more than in little trinckets , which become useless by being too fine : and as he , that distinguishes pertinently in a dispute , is reputed ingenious , so is he no less , who entangles the Respondent by confounding things which ought to be separated ; and likewise in the practise of affairs , things too subtle pass for Chimeras , and are never put in execution ; nor is he to be accounted the best limner , that draws always only the finest strokes : Much less probable is it , that the Choleric are more ingenious than the Melancholic , since reflection is ever necessary to the makeing of a solid conclusion , which the impatiencie of choler permits not ; and indeed never was there a man of great parts who was not thoughtfull , sedate , and contemplative . And accordingly , northern people being more cold and reserved , will , for a lasting ingenuity , carry it above other nations . An other said , that , considering nations , he conceived that as not only the plants , but also the pearls and jewels of the east , are more excellent and purer than those of other parts of the world , so also thejr witts : the reason whereof is , that the sun coming from the east bestows the first fruits of his own and other coelestial influences upon the orientals ; which influences , like the impression of perfumes , are most vigorous in their beginnings ; and indeed here were the first law-givers and sages of the world . As for temperaments the sanguin have the advantage ; because 't is the most healthfull complexion , and health is the principal condition of a good wit , which cannot so well exert it self in a sick body . Secondly , bloud is the proximate matter of spirits , and he that hath good bloud must have plenty of spirits ; and then likewise this is the complexion of the Amorous , who have been ever esteem'd ingenious , whence that of the Poët , Quis fallere possit amantem ? But if the question be , what exercise or employment hath the most ingenious people , 't is harder to be determin'd ; so great wits being found at this day of all sorts of professions , that 't is difficult to judg of which there are most ; Some prefer Scholastick divines for their nice disputes , looking upon it as admirable how mysterious their Philosophie is , rendering it intricate by explications , and difficult by the aperture and dissolution of distinctions . Others the rational Physicians , for their discourses and conjectures upon the causes of hidden diseases ; Others the Mathematicians , for their curious searches into heaven it self ; or the Lawyers , who manage their affairs so advantageously above others to their own intrest . The third sayd , that absolutely speaking there is no quarrer of the world more oriental or occidental than an other ; these words having been invented only in respect to men themselvs , ( to some of whom one and the same people is oriental , and yet occidental to others ) since the world is round , and all the parts of a sphear are of the same nature . What differences there are , must be taken from somthing els than the four parts of the world ; more particularly from cold and heat : thus they that live under the Poles are of a different complexion both of body and mind from those that are between the Tropicks , and according to this difference the inhabitants of the temperate zones must be most ingenious . Cold being too much an enemy to life , to advance wit ; and excessive heat burns the humors no less both within and without , as the wooly hair , and black skin of the nations expos'd to it manifest . So that 't is no presumption in nations of a temperate climate , to award the preheminence to themselvs in this matter ; operations of the mind as well as the digestions and other operations of the body , requireing a temperate , not an excessive heat . The fourth spake his sentiments thus : Since there are good and bad , ingenious and fools in all lands , to be the one or the other , depends not on the climate ; heaven , from whence the soul descends , being a like in all places ; nor is it likely that professions render men more or less ingenious , since those to which people are lead by natural inclination , are rather effects than causes of good or bad parts ; as for those to which we are perswaded or forc'd , nothing can be inferr'd from them , haveing no affinity with our nature ; lastly , nor doth temper always contribute to render men ingenious , since there are some so of all tempers , ages and sexes . The true cause is the proportion which happens to be between the soul and the body at the first conformation ; whence the surest signs , natural , of good or bad parts are taken from the figure of the body , chiefly of the head , which if sharp never makes a wise man , as on the contrary , large heads and broad fore-heads are good indications of ingenuity , in whomsoever , of what ever country , vocation and temper they may be . But yet , sayd Democritus , I cannot but hold the lawyers in their way , to be the most ingenious of the world , for that generally recieved truth , which says , that what ever hath a begining , hath also an end , is confuted by them , since they render suits immortal ; and instead of the four causes taught by naturalists , they create others without numbet ; and in spight of the maxim which says there is no Vacuum , they make one , at lencth , in the purses of their cliens . Two persons being together in the feild about to leap over a ditch , hold says one , look before you leap , I was just a saying so , says the other , why then good wits jump , says he , and so away they leapt . Demosthenes , with all his oratory and reason could not keep the people from mutinying , even while he was speaking ; at last he bethought himself to divert them with a strange story , and 't was this : There was a man that hired an ass , to carry him a journey , and the owner of the ass was to attend him on foot by , it so fell out that before the journey was half finished , the sun shined so excessively hot , that it grew so intollerable to the rider , that he was glad to quitt the asses back , and betake him to her shadow : upon this the owner of the ass withstood him , telling him that he must ride on , alledging that tho he had hired the body of the ass , he had not hired the shadow , that was not in the bargain , but the owners still , much bustle there was between them , till at last the contention grew even as hot as the sun it self . This diversion prevaled more than all his eloquence beside , and appeas'd their anger when his whole oration could not . A female Citizen sufficiently ignorant in country affairs being told , that malt did not grow , ask'd how it came ? answer was made , that the good women in the country spin'd it , upon my word , sayd she , I thought so , for one may see the very threds hang out at the end of it . There was so great a Sedition at Rome , that the common people all left the city , retireing from it with a resolution uot to return , unless the Senat and the rich citizens would take off the taxes , and impositions , by which the meaner thought themselvs very much oppres'd : Menenius Agrippa , an eloquent man was sent to them , who with the following Apologue or Fable prevaled more than by all other ways of perswasion whatsoever . Upon a time there arose , sayd he , great strife and sedition amongst the other members of the bodie against the bellie : the eyes , ears , hands , feet and tongue , all said , they , each of them , performed their several offices to the bodie : but the bellie alone doing nothing at all , as a king enjoyed their labours , and consumed upon it self all those things , which were purchased with their sweat and industrie . The Bellie could not but confess these things were true , and if it pleased them for the time to come they should allow it nothing . The Members decreed it among themselvs , that nothing should be given to the bellie : when this had been for a little time , the hands and feet lost their strength , and all the other members became dull , sick , and immoveable : so that at last they percieved that the food allowed to the bellie , was of as equal advantage to all the rest of the members , as to it self , and so returned to their former obedience : And so did the people of Rome too , being hereby sufficientlie sensible , that what was reposed in their Magistrates hands , did at last tend to the intrest of the common-weal . The Gold-smiths of London had a custom once a year to weigh gold in the star-chamber , in the presence of the privie council , and the Kings Attorney general ; this solemn weighing by a word of art they call'd the Pixe , and made use of so exact scales there in , that the master of the companie affirmed , that they would turn with the two hundereth part of a grain , I should be loath , said Attorney Noy , that all my actions should be weighed in those scales . The King of France being at Calais sent over an Embassador , a verie tall person , upon no other errand , but a complement to the King of England , at his audience he appeard in such a light garb , that afterwards the king ask'd lord keeper Bacon , what he thought of the French Embassador , he answer'd , that he was a verie proper man ; I , his Majestie replied , but what think you of his head-piece , is he a proper man for the office of an Embassador , Sir , return'd he , it appears too often , that tall men are like high houses of four or five stories , wherein commonlie the uppermost room is worst furnished . A famous Chymist with his associats had long attended upon his art , but could find no hope of profit ; upon which they had recourss to the devil , and enquired of him if they rightly proceeded , and whether they should attain their desired end , the devil returns his answer in this one word , travaillez , which is labour , this word so encouraged them , that they went on , and blowed the bellows at that rate , that they transmuted all they had in to nothing ; so at last , thc chief chymist told them that the word labour signified that they should lay aside Alchymie , and betake themselvs to som honest art of employment , and that it appear'd the part of men purely maz'd and mad to fancy the making of gold in such a small space of time , since nature it self is wont to spend more than a thousand years about it . In time of war a certain Prince , being very vigilant , would , on horss-back , himself go the rounds one night : upon a suddain a souldier met him , who being fudl'd , immediatly laid hold on the bridle of his horse , and ask'd the price of him , for at present , he said , he wanted an horse : the Prince percieving in what condition he was in , caus'd him to be taken into an house , and put to bed : in the morning the Prince sent for him , and ask'd him what he would give for his horse ; Sir , said the recover'd souldier , the merchant that would have bought him yester night , went away betimes this morning . A young Gentleman lay sick of a feavor , his physician came to visit him , and met at his lodging a beautifull lady , ( suspected by bim ) going away as he entred ; he sate down by him , and feeling his puls , Sir , said the Patient , my feavor has newly left me , I find it so Sir , said he ▪ and I suppose I met it going out , at the door , just as I came in . One ask'd a noble Sea-captain , why , haveing means sufficient to live upon the land , he would yet endanger his person upon the ocean ? he told him that he had a natural inclination to it , and therefore nothing could divert him : I pray , said the other , where did your father die ? at sea , said the captain ; and where your grand-father ? at sea too , said he , why then , said the other , are not you afraid to go to sea ? before I answer you , said the Captain , I pray tell me where died your father ? my father , said he , died in his bed : and where your grand-father ? in his bed too , said he : and are not you then , said the Captain , afraid to go to bed ? A Souldier in Ireland having got his pass-port to go for England , as he went through a wood with a knap-sack on his back , being weary ; he sate down and fell to some victuals , upon a suddain he was surprised with two or three wolves , who coming towards him , he threw them scraps of bread and cheess so long till all was don ; then the wolves coming nearer to him , he knew not what shift to make ; he took a pair of bag-pipes , which he had with him ; and so soon as he began to play , away ran the wolves , as if they had bin scared out of their wits : a pox take you all , said he , if I had known that you had loved musick so well , you should have had it before dinner . I have read of a Physician of Millan , who cured mad men , and to that end had a pit of water in his house , in which he kept his Patients some up to the knees , some to the girdle , some to the chin , pro moda insaniae , as they were more or less affected ; one of them , that was well recovered , stood by chance at the door , and seeing a Galant riding with an hawk on his fist , well mounted with his spaniels after him , would needs know to what use all this preparation served ? he made answer to kill certain fowl : the patient demanded again what his fowl might be worth , which he kill'd in a year ? he replied five or ten crowns ; with that the patient with great earnestness bid him begon immediatly , as he loved his life : for , said he , if our master take thee here , he will set thee in the pit up to the very chin . I can see your pride through your thred-bare torn coat , said Antisthenes to Socrates . A Person speaking of the nice distinctions of the schools , and the wonderfull subtleties of some in searching into the most mysterious truths , said that all their curious inquiries prov'd at last like the contentions of Protegenes and Apelles , who should draw the smallest line ; who after two or three essais left this monument of their art , that they had drawn lines so curious , that they were scarcely to be discern'd . A Servitour carrying up a dish of tongues into a colledg hall , just as he came to the table his foot slipt , down fell dish , tongues , and mustard : one much more concern'd than the others at the table , call'd him blunder-buss , and ask'd him whether he wanted eyes : Sir , I beg your pardon , said the servitour , any one might have had the like mischance , you may be sure I did it not willingly , lapsus linguae non est error mentis . A very clownish Fellow being met in a very gaudy suit , one said of him that he look'd like a wooden spoon in a sack posset . A Lady , who had never been at sea , said , surely sailers must be a very devout sort of people , being allways so near danger , yes , said one , that was more used to their society , their devotions rise and fall with the waves . That was an un-luckie Seaman , that in a storm endevour'd to secure nothiug but the brandie-bottle , and the first thing he offer'd to throw over board was his wife , alledging , he knew no heavier burden than she , nor any thing that made him so light as the bottle he secured . There was a discourss at a colledge table , concerning the Marriage of Priests ; a Doctour , who had a face sufficiently red , was pleas'd to maintain only for discourss-sake , that Priests-marriage was not so allowable as some might think it ; at last it came to this , that he who argued on the contrary said that those words of St. Paul were sufficiently plain , and therefore impossible rationally to be contradicted , namely that 't is better to marrie than to burn ; but how shall a man know when one burns ? said the Doctor ; I 'll tell you , said one , ( who had been silent all the while ) by his face . A young Gentleman the next day after marriage of a Lady sufficiently handsom , being visited by a friend , who congratulated his happiness ; he said , he thought himself indeed an happy man , and if he were un-married , he should not think any courtship too much for the obtaining of such a match , though , said he , The thing for which we woo Is not worth so much a do . Suppose , sais one to a modest Gentle-woman , you and I were in a room naked together , which part would you cover first ? your eyes , Sir , said she . Sir Thomas More ( A. 1480. ) was born in Milkstreer at London , the brightest Star , sais an Historian , that ever shined in that viá lacteâ , when he was Chancellor ( in the reign of King Henry the eighth ) he call'd for trial of the next suit , 't was answered that there was none depending , all suits in that court being then determin'd , whereupon one made the ensueing rhimes : When More some years had Chancellor been . No More suits did remain , The like shall never More be seen , Till More be there again . A countrie Tenant invited his Land-lord from the citty to his house to dinner , the provision was a legg of mutton boill'd , with turnips ; his wife for the better entertaining of so great a guest , had thinly besprinkled the legg of mutton with nutmeg and sugar ; what have you don here , said her Land-lord , o dear Sir , I pray excuse me , I did it so in hast , but the box is not far off , so she took an handfull brown sugar more , and strewed on it , saying , indeed Land-lord I cannot make it too good for you . A reverend Person , notwithstanding the gravity of his years , and the dignity of his place , was ever addicted to rallie , scoff and jear at all things and persons promiscuously , spending his jests and droles upon persons though of never so great integrity ; when this wittie man , whose christian name was Jasper , died , one said of him : Quoth Jasper to Peter let in my soul : Quoth Peter to Jasper you do but drole . A young Lad had a mind to know what fortune he should have in the world , the Astrologer told him that he should get his liveing by bauds , whores , bastards , thievs , and quarrellers ; this for the present seem'd very strange to him ; vet more than 20 years afterwards , being setled in a convenient place , he was made a Justice of peace , and then was known to live very worshipfully upon no small fees rack'd out of such delinquens . A worthie Person of a noble and ancient but much degenerated familie , being to sit for his picture , told the limner that he should draw him in a masons habit , with a trowel in his hand , and this motto underwritten : Ad re-aedificandam antiquam Domum . Repairing a decaied House . A wittie Gentleman , more than ordinarily curious concerning his health , desired to know the particular seasons of eating and drinking , whether 't is better to eat and drink most at evening or most at noon ; and the like ; was to put a stop to his present curiosity , & to dispatch al such kind of nice inquirys for the future , briefly answer'd by his Physician thus ; when ever hunger beggs , I suppose Sir , you 'll be charitable and feed her ; and when ever thirst puts a dry jest on you , I hope you 'll answer her as some of you Inns of Court-gentlemen do schollars , by drinking to her . Alexander the Great desired to know who were more in number the living or the dead ? answer was return'd , the living , with this reason , quia mortui non sunt , One sent for a Physician , and told him that he was verie much afflicted with a Tertian ague ; in what manner does it take you , said he , o Sir , said the Patient , I am so troubled with it , it takes me everie day . A Lady told an old Batchellor , that look'd very brisk and yong , that she thought he had eaten a snake he look'd so young , no , said he , 't is because I never medled with any snakes that makes me look so . Lucullus a General of a great armie , being surpris'd by his enemies , and that on an ominous , unluckie day , as all the soldiers call'd it , and were much dis-spirited thereby ; he made a short speech to them ▪ concluding thus : Now , my friends , 't is left only to the vallour and magnanimitie you are maffers of , to verifie the happie dream I lately had , that we are the men design'd to change a black day into a white ; he led them on , they fought accordingly , and the success was answerable . A poor Woman , a natural fool , used ever now and then to come to a conduit in the cittie where she dwelt ▪ and upon the ridge of it would put a looking-glass , and there hold a discourss with her picture ; she afforded huge civilities to this her neighbour , as she call'd her ; with whom she would somtimes consult verie seriouslie , somtimes be excceding merrie ; at last upon being somwhat more finely dress'd as she fancied , than she used to be ; in a verie great furie she broke the glass all to pieces against the conduit , and being ask'd why she did so , she said , her neighbour would never go away first , nor give her the upper hand . An ingenious Person , in dispute at a public act at Oxford , being put hard to it , that he might not appear quite baffled , invented a distinction that was never heard of before , sumitur , s●id he , vel simpliciter vel catapodialiter : the Opponent desired him to tell him what he meant by catapodialiter , to which he return'd , that he stood not there to explain terms , and so the Opponent immediatly pass'd to an other question . A neat but emptie Lawyer , homo in causis agendis bene veslitus , ever well adorn'd without tho not so within ; had the name of necessitie fixed upon him : one hearing it said that was not his right name , to which 't was returned by the other , if it is not , it ought to be , for I am sure he has no law . Mahomet made the people believe that he would call an hill to him , and from the top of it offer up his prayers for the observers of his law : the people assembled , Mahomet call'd the hill to come to him again and again ; and when the hill stood still , he was never a while amaz'd , but said , if the hill will not come to Mahomet , Mahomet will go to the hill . One pleasantly said , that an honest man in these days must needs be more honest than in ages heretofore , propter antiperistasin : becauss his honesty being enclosed amidst contraries , must needs be stronger and more compact in it self . ( Antiperistasis is a repulsion on ever part , whereby heat or cold becomes stronger from being restrain'd by its contrarie ▪ ) Philip of Macedon perswaded the greek Embassadors , that they should invite their citties to concord ; in the mean while one concern'd in the affair could not but laugh at him for his council ; is it not ridiculous , said he , for him to set him self up a Mediator of peace among the greek Republicks , who is always wrangling at home with his wife Olympias . Aesop has a fable concerning the Fox and the Cat , wherein the Fox brags what a number of shifts he has to get from the hounds ; whereas the Cat says , he knows but one ; which in proof is better worth than all the rest ; so that hence came the proverb : Multa novit vulpes , sed felis unum magnum . Reynard the hounds to scape had shifts not small . Grimalkin only one as good as all , What mother Euripides ; what father Demosthenes had was not known in their time ; but that the one's mother sold pot-herbs , and the others father sold knives , all scholars talk of : now , what can be more gallant than the tragedie of the one , and the orations of the other ? Ancaeus , King of the Island Samos , delighting much in husbandrie , once exceedingly tired his servants who labour'd in planting a vine-yard , in so much that one of them faid his master would never tast of the wine of that vine-yard : but when vintage was come , and the grapes press'd , the King call'd for a cup of the wine , and holding it in his hand , commanded that he that had so prophesied should come before him , now , says the King , I shall prove you a falss prophet , o Sir , answer'd he , you know not that ; many things happen between the cup and the lip ; and as he was thus speaking one brings word that a wild boar was broke into the vine-yard , the King in hast threw the cup away , immediatly going to the vine-yard , where adventuring too far in the defence of it , was there kill'd by the boar : which gave occasion to the proverb : Multa cadunt , &c. Many things befal between the cup and the lip . Certainly Oaths are ties of so sacred a nature that they ought not to be violated , when they have been once freely taken , upon any excuse or pretence what soever ; nor can an oath be null'd by any prettie evasion of wit , or by covering our meaning with equivocal or a dubble sense : admirable therefore was the Justice of the Athenian Senate , which condemn'd a debtour in a dubble fine , because he would have defrauded his creditour by a cunning oath ; after this manner ; the mony which he had borrowed , he privatly conveyed into an hollow walking staf , which , when he was call'd to the altar to make oath before the Gods , he put into his creditors hand , desireing him to hold it a little ; which when he did , he thought he might safely sware , that he had delivered him the mony : this trick prevaill'd a long time , but being at last discover'd it cost him dubble charges . No less prudent was the Judgement of the general court of all Greece , commonly call'd Amphictiones ; For when Lysander had made a truce with the Thebans for ten days ; and ratified it by oath ; never the less he stuck not to fall on them in the night : and being accus'd for breach of the peace , he answer'd : the league was made for ten days , and not for ten nights : but this nice replie carried him not scot-free ; being adjudg'd by the court to bear the cost of the warr . The Emperour Domitian is well known to have chang'd his father Vespasians scepter into a flie-flap ; and therefore was justly stiled an enemy to flies , and a flie to his enemies , fighting all his battels in his chamber-windows , a great warrier there , but a great spectator in the field ; one desireing admittance to this Emperor , ask'd one who nearly attended him whether there was any one with the Emperor , answer was made , ne musca quidem , not a fly . A Fowler , in a sharp frostie morning , haveing taken many little birds , a young lad seeing the tears trickle down the Fowlers cheeks ( by reason of the cold ) ask'd his mother , who was with him , whether that was not a verie good man , who was so merciefull , and compassionate to wheep over the poor birds , when they were taken ? nay child said she , we may better judg of the mans disposition by his hand than by his eye . Alcibiades being falsly accused , and flying for the same , one of his friends would needs perswade him to come back again from Sicilie to Athens , and take his tryal for his life , and so vindicate his innocencie ; but he refused it , returning this answer to the court , 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 : 't is safer to avoid the tryal of a false accusation than to escape from under it . One was told that Pope Pius the fifth was dead , how , said he , Pope Pius the fifth ? that 's strange , amidst so many Popes has there then been but five Pious ? Was it not a base kind of flatterie , said one to Aristippus , for you so to prostrate your self at the feet of the Tyrant , when you had so fair and equitable a request to present ? no , said Aristippus , was the fault in me or in Dionysius , whose eares are no where to be found but in his feet ? Joannes Fossa , è nimio Poëseôs studio ad insaniam redactus . Hâc sunt in fossâ Fossae mirabilis ossa : Qui sibi condendo versus cere - comminuit - brum . John Fossa the Poet , overstudied himself and died distracted , this Epitaph was made on him . Here rests Fossa , whose studieing Poesie In pieces his in - brake - genuitie . Queen Catharine of France held a conference with the deputies of the King of Navar , and the Hugenot partie ; her design was to make them quit , before the time agreed on , those places of securitie which had been put into their hands ; to this end she had brought from Paris a man almighty in words ; to whose Rhetoric nothing , till then , had been impossible ; his elegant oration being ended , the Queen immediatly addressed her self to one of the chief Ministers of state concern'd in the treatie , and in a triumphant manner , ( rather to crown a thing done , and gain applause , than that she thought she wanted his opinion ) ask'd him what he thought of the speech he had heard ? Madam answer'd he , with a voice so strong , that it broke the articles of the already half concluded treatie , Me thinks this Gentleman here hath studied very well ; but neither my companions , nor my self are of opinion to pay for his study with our heads . Two Persons , the one decaied in his estate , the other coveteous , were upon election in the Roman Senate for a Proconsulship , Cato stood up and disliked both , Hic nil habet , Huic nihil sat est , the one he said , had nothing , the other would never have enough . He was reputed one of the wise men , that made answer to the question , when a man should marrie , a young man not yet , an elder man not at all ; tho wives are young mens mistresses , companions for midle age , and old mens nurses ; so that upon this account a man may have a quarrel to marrie when he will. A waggish countrie Boy desired his father by all means to take the dog with him , when he was going to buy a parcel of sheep ; why so sirrah , said he , because two heads are better than one . A young Gentleman in the University of Oxford , who it seems was not often given to overstudy himself , told his father , who was a verie learned person , that 't was better to keep companie than read many books ; why do you think so , sais his father , because , sais he , I have no mind to be envied or to be effeminate , and Aristotle tells us that much learning is the cause of both ; in the 21 chap. of the second book of his Rhetoric . A wittie Man , but a notable fuddle-cap , was told by his friend , that his evening excesses in that kind was contrarie to that rule of health : Incipias liquido , sicco finire memento . o Sir , said he , I beg your pardon , 't is Incipias liquido , sic ô finire memento . Sir Robert Cateline , Lord chief Justice of the Kings Bench in the reign of Queen Elisabeth , had a prejudice against those that wrote their names with an Alias , and took exceptions at one in this respect , saying , that no honest man had a double name , or came in with an alias , the partie ask'd him what exception his Lordship could take at Jesus Christ , alias Jesus of Nazareth . Sir Henry Wotton going Embassador into Italie , as he pass'd through Germany stayed some days at Augusta , where passing an evening in merriment , was requested by a german gentleman , to write some sentence in his Albo , ( a book of white paper ) design'd for such purposes : Here upon Sir Henry took occasion from the present discourse of the companie to write this pleasant definition of an embassador : Legatus est vir bonus peregrè missus ad mentiendum Reipublicae causâ : an Embassador is an honest man sent to lie abroad for the good of his countrie . Thomas Arch-bishop of York in the reign of Henry the first , falling verie sick , was told by his Phycisians that nothing in the world would do him good but to accompanie with a woman ; if there be nothing els to be orderd , replied he , I shall chuse to die a virgin , for surely the remedy is worse than the disease : and accordingly he died . ( see Bakers Chron. pag. 60. Polyd. Virg. lib. 11. chap. 30. ) When there was a flying , though false , report , that Pope Urban the eighth was coopt up by his Cardinals in the castle of St. Angelo , a rogish schollar said , jam verissimum est , Papa non potest errare : undoughtedly , then now 't is true , the Pope cannot err or go astray . What do you think of that Gentleman , said one , pointing to a self-conceited phantastic person going by ; I wish , replied he , that all my friends were such as he fancies himself to be , and that all my enemies were really such as he is . Raphael Urbinas an excellent Limner was reprehended by two Cardinals for representing the faces of St. Peter and St. Paul , with an un-becomming and untoward redness upon them : he replied that he had not express'd them in such a paleness and leanness in their faces as they had contracted ( while liveing ) with their fastings and troubles ; but that he had imitated that adventitious redness , which came upon them ( now they were amongst the blessed ) blushing at the manners and life of their successors . That was a remarkable speech of a wise person , delay , said he , hath undone many for the other world : haste hath undon more for this : time well managed saves all in both . There came a young Man to Rome , who in the opinion of all men exceedingly resembled the Emperor Augustus ; whereof he being informed sent for him , being in presence , he ask'd him if his mother had never been at Rome ; the stranger answer'd , no , but his father had : the Emperor dismiss'd him . A Clergie man , who was well known to have chang'd his Religion , or , if you please his opinion very often , was at a visitation complemented by one , who in conclusion told him , that a person of such worthie parts did indeed deserve preferment , and that , how e're it happen'd otherwise , yet his merits might justly claim the highest place of the church ; o Sir , replied he , there are many worthier persons to whom so grand a complement would be more agreable , upon my word Sir , return'd the other , I know not in the whole Diocess one whose merits stand so fair for the wether-cocks place of our Cathedral as your own . Doctor Jegon Master of Bennet colledg in Cambridg ( afterward Bishop of Norwich ) punish'd all under-graduates in the colledg for some general offence ; and the penalty was put upon their heads in the butterie , and because he disdain'd to convert the mony to any private use , it was expended in new whiteing the hall of the colledg , whereupon a schollar hung up these verses on the screen : Doctor Jegon , Bennet-colledg Master , Brake the schollars heads , and gave the walls a plaister . But the Doctor , who had not the readiness of his parts any whit impaired by his age , peruseing the paper , ex tempore subscrib'd : Knew I but the wag that writ these verses in a braverie , I would commend him for his wit , but whip him for his knaverie . The French Embassadors , who were sent to conclude the match between the Lady Henrietta Maria , ( youngest daughter to Henry the Great the eldest being married to the King of Spain , and the second to the Duke of Savoy ) and Prince Charles , had private audience of King James , a little before his death , who told them pleasantly , that he would make war against the Lady Henrietta , because she would not recieve the two letters , which were sent her , the one from himself , the other from his son , but sent them to her mother ; yet he said that he thought the conclusion would be peace , because he understood she had afterwards put the latter letter in her bosom , and the first in her cabinet , whereby , he said , he suppos'd that she intended to reserve his son for her affection , and him for council . In the times of confusion , when the University of Oxford no less than other places of the Kingdom , were turn'd upside down , when Doctors appear'd like Aldermen , and Aldermen as Doctors , a Doctor of Divinity to shew his zeal for suppressing those loyal Gentlemen of the west , who made an attempt to free their native soil from bondage , thought fit to change his gown for a cloak , and rather like Major General than Vice-Chancellor , as he was , at the head of his souldierie ridd thurrow Oxford with his hair fill'd all with white powder : This was not a little discours'd of : so that one said , tho white powder may be discharg'd without noise , yet it seems the Doctors white pouder in his hair , being of an other nature , gave a report through the whole nation . A Gentleman had lead a company of children into the fields beyond their wonted walk , and they being now wearie cryed to him to carrie them ; the Gentleman not being able to carrie them all , relieved himself with this ingenious device , he , said he , would provide them all horses to ride home with , and furnished himself and them with geldings out of the next hedg ; the success was , that mounted fancie put metal into their legs , and they came cheerfully home . Eginardus was secretarie of state to charlemaign , and had placed his affections much higher than his condition admitted , makeing love to one of his daughters ; she likewise affected him exceedingly , and gave him a free access to her person , so far as to suffer him to have recourse unto her , to laugh and sport in her chamber in evenings : it happened on a winters night , being negligent of his return , that he stay'd somewhat too long ; for in the mean time a snow had fallen ; and being about to go forth , he feared to be known by his feet , and the Lady also was verie unwilling that such prints of steps should be found leading from her door ; they were both very much perplex'd ; but love , which can take the diadem of majesty from the greatest princesses , put her now to do an act for her lover , very unusual for the daughter of one of the greatest men upon earth ; she took the gentleman upon her shoulders , and carried him all the length of the court to his chamber , he never fetting foot on the ground , that so no impression of his footing might be percieved . But it so fell out that her father Charlemaign was up late at his study this night , who , hearing a noise , opened a window , and percieved this witty pranck : the next day , before many lords of the court , and in the presence of his daughter and Eginardus , he ask'd aloud what punishment they thought such a servant was worthie of , who made use of a Kings daughter as of a mule , and caused himself to be carried on her shoulders in the night , in the midst of winter thorrow snow ? they all very severely sentenced the insolencie of such a person , and some thought him worthie of nothing less than death . When they had all done , well , said Charlemaign , I now then , Eginardus , give thee two lives at once , take thy fair portress in marriage , she best knows thy worth , who has so well weighed thee . When amongst many articles exhibited to King Henry the seventh by the Irish against the Earl of Kildare , the last of all was this : Finally , all Ireland cannot rule this Earl , then , said the King , shall this Earl rule all Ireland , and so made him deputy thereof . In the reign of King William the second , an Abby being vacant , two moncks of the covent became suiters for the place , offering great sums of mony , and each of them out-biding the other ; whereupon the King looking about , and espying an other monk standing not far off , ask'd him what he would give for the place ; who answer'd , that he neither had any thing to give , nor would give any thing if he had it ▪ but came only to wait upon him back , whom the King should appoint Abbot , well , said the King , thou hast spoken honestly , thou are fitter to be Abbat than either , and so bestowed the place upon him gratis . Philip of Macedon dream'd he sealed up his wifes belly : he expounded it , that his wife should be barren : but Aristander the sooth-sayer told him his wife was with child , because men do not use to seal vessels that are empty . Joannes Martinus , born in Holland , was a very good limner , and being in Italy , he was told by an Astrologer , that when he came to Geneva , he should then die ; he gave not much credit to this prediction ; but it so sell out , that he was sent for to Bern on purpose to illustrate the Jurisdiction of Bern with Chorographical tables . He had almost finished the designed work , and was entred upon that which contains Geneva , when , while he was about the place of the city , and writeing down the name of that city , he was suddenly seised upon with the plague , which all that time furiously raged there about , and so he died , A. 1577. just as he came to Geneva . The Daughter of Polycrates dreamed , that Jupiter bathed her father , and Apollo annointed him , and it came to pass that he was crucified in an open place , where the sun made his body run with sweat , and the rain was hed it . One dream'd that he should be devoured of a long dragon : and a little after a maker of sausages did him much injurie , and troubled him exceedingly . That was an ingenious conjecture , I say not Prophecy , of Seneca the Tragedian , concerning the discoverie of America : — Venient annis Secula seris , quibus oceanus Vincula rerum laxet , & ingens Pateat tellus , Typhisque novos Detegat orbes ; nec sit terris Ultima Thule : Daphida was one of those whom they call Sophists ; and out of a foolish insolencie he went to Delphos , to consult the oracle of Apollo , for no other purpose but to deride it ; he inquired therefore if he should find his horse , whereas indeed he had no horse to seek ; Apollo answer'd , that he should undoubtedly find his horse , dut should be so troubled with him , that it would be his death : the Sophist turned back jesting , as supposing he had deluded the Deity ; but in the way he fell into the hands of King Attalus , one whom he had often abused , and bitterly provoked by his scurrilous wit : the King therefore gave order , they should take him to the top of the rock , call'd Equus , the Horse , and cast him down headlong from thence . One of the Popes was very active at Rome , not only upon the account of present affairs , but ripping up of old matters , for which he appointed a select committie severely to examin accounts and errors pass'd , not only in the time of his immediat predecessor , but others : upon this there was a pleasant Pasquil made ; for , there being two statues , one of St. Peter , the other of St. Paul upon a bridg ; one had clapt a pair of spurs upon St. Peters heels , with a paper on St. Paul asking him whether he was bound ? he answers , I apprehend some danger to stay now in Rome , because of the severe committe , that is lately appointed , for I fear they will question me for denying my master : truly , brother Peter , says St. Paul , I shall not stay long after you , for I have as much to dought that they will question me for persecuteing the christians , before I was converted . Herodotus tells us that the Egyptians do not presently deliver the dead bodies of such , who have been very beautifull , to the Pollinctors to be embalm'd , least an abuse should be committed by any of the embalmers , as once there was ; upon which account Dr. Brown in his vulgar errors says , surely deformity needeth not now complain , nor shall the eldest hopes be ever superannuated , since death hath spurs , and carcases have been courted . Perses the brother of Hesiod had by corrupting some great men gotten from him the half of his estate , 't is no matter , says he , they have not don me so much prejudice as they imagin , 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 , the half is more than the whole . Such a vicissitude of things there is in the world , matter being in a perpetual flux , and never at a stay , that a certain Astrologer hath made this subtle observation , if it were not for two things that are constant , ( the one is that the fixed stars ever ●tand at like distance one from an other , and never come nearer together , nor go farther asunder : the other , that the diurnal motion perpetually keepeth time ) no individual would last one moment . Nullum est magnum ingenium sine mixturâ dementiae , says a Philosopher , there is no great witt without some mixture of madness , to which 't was answer'd , nec par vum sine mixturâ stultitiae , nor a small wit without some allay of foolishness . Upon this account it was , that in a letter to Ben. Iohnson , one told him , that he was mad when he writ his fox , madder when he writ his Alchimist ; that he was mad when he writ his Catiline , and stark mad when he writ Sejanus ; but when he writ his Epigrams , and the magnetic lady , he was not so mad . A Countrie man had a suit depending in the Kings Bench , touching a river that came so very near his house , that it used to annoy him ; the Judg ask'd him how he call'd the river ; he answer'd , may it please your Lordship , I need not call her , for she is always forward enough to come to us of her self . Croesus King of Lydia haveing resolved a war upon Cyrus , consulted the oracle of Apollo at Delphos , about the success , whence he recieved this answer : Croesus Halyn penetrans , magnam disperdet opum vim . When Croesus has the Halys past , A world of treasure will he wast . Croesus interpreted this of the riches of his adversaries , but the event shewed they were his own , for he lost his armie , kingdom and libertie in this expedition . Pyrrhus King of Epirus consulted the oracle of Apollo about his success against the Romans , and fell under the like cousenage of wit , for he received this verse for his answer : Ajo te , Aeacida , Romanos vincere posse . Achilles son the Romans may o'ercome . The sense , being ambiguous , might be construed in favour of Pyrrhus , or the Romans ; so he interpreted it to his own advantage , tho the event proved quite otherwise . A Gentleman lodg'd at a tavern , and desired one morning that a Shoomaker might be sent for to make him a pair of boots , and in the mean while , that his land-lord would bring him a pint of purleroyal : the Shoomaker came as the Gentleman and the Vintner ( who was a very smart ingenious man ) were fall'n into a discourse over their wine about Bishops ; the Shoomaker began to talk too , and directed his discourse to the Vintner ; upon which the Gentleman was silent ; their discourse proceeded so far , that the Shoomaker grew very furious , calling the Bishops the firebrands , the panders of the whore of Babilon , and the instruments of the devil , that they were of his institution , not of Gods : hold , hold neighbour there , says the Vintner , do not you know as well as I that Titus and Timothy were bishops , that our Saviour is entitled the Bishop of our souls ? that the word Bishop is as frequently mentioned in Scripture as the name Pastor , Elder , or Deacon ? then why do you inveigh so bitterly against them ? the Shoomaker replies , I know the name and office to be good , but they have abused it , therefore it should be no more : well , well then , said the Vintner , you are a Shoomaker by your profession , imagin that you , an hundred , or a thousand , or an hundred thousand of your trade should play the knaves , and sell kalf ▪ skin-leather boots for neats-skin , or do other cheats , must we therefore go bare-foot ? must the gentle-kraft of shoomakers fall therefore to the ground ? is the calling or the man to blame ? here the Shoomaker was so gravell'd , that he was brought to his last , haveing not a word more to say . Albumazar , one of the greatest Astrologers the world ever had , hath left it in writeing , that by the influences of the stars he found that Christian Religion should last but one thousand four hundred years : so then , he hath bely'd two hundred seventie eight years alreddy , and it will be a lie to the worlds end . An Embassador from Polland address'd himself to a great minister of state at Paris , and complemented him in the latin tongue : when the Embassador was silent , the great states man prayed those that attended to excuse him for not returning an answer , because as yet he never had the curiosity to learn the Polonian language . Secretary Walsingham , and Secretary Cecil were two excellent states men , the one was used to say at the council table , my Lords stay a little and we shall make an end the sooner ; the other would oft-times speak of himself , it shall never be said of me that I will defer till to morrow what I can do to day : these sayings though seemingly contradictory may be reconcill'd by that excellent speech of Charles the Emperor upon affairs of the like nature , ubi desinit Saturnus , ibi incipiat Mercurius , when any business of great consequence is in consultation we should observe the motions of Saturn , which is plumbeous , long and heavie ; but when 't is once absolutely resolved upon , then we should observe the motion of Mercury , the nimblest of all the planets . A country Justice of Peace told the Minister of his parish , that surely Seneca was an excellent Doctor of the canon-law , and that in his book de Beneficiis he had fully handled all matters concerning Benefices : This person was very much Geographically inclin'd , and such an exact surveyour of the world , that he sought an whole day in his map for Democracy and Aristocracy , thinking to find them as well as Dalmatia and Croatia . In Naples there was a certain Person who had abused himself with a goat , and haveing bought an absolution of his confessor , he was ask'd by a friend what it cost him , he answered , I procured it for four pistolets , and for the other odd one I think , I might have had a dispensation to have married the beast . A Lawyer being like to die , haveing , as he said , nothing els to dispose of but his body , bequeathd all the parts of it in legacies , as his skin to the tanners , his bones to the dice-makers , his guts to the musicians , his fingers to the scriveners , his tongue , &c. to his fellow-lawyers . One related a great deal of court-news to a Porter , how such an one was made Lord Treasurer , an other Lord Chancellor of the exchequer , an other was made an Earl , an other was sworn privy Counciller , &c I , I , said he , 't is very likely , yet I am but a porter still . A Roman Prince held always a very great opinion of a certain weak-witted man of his time , whom the pages hiss'd , and whom no body esteem'd but himself , the universal scorn of the court he was , and five and twenty years impertinencies in deeds and words before the face of all the world , could never yet remove the extraordinarie opinion of the Prince concerning him . The reason of this being ask'd , the Prince was pleas'd to return , that he apprehended his secret virtues . A Cook at Westminster had a brave rattleing scold to his wife , and on a sun-day evening , when he came from the tavern , she rung him such a peal , and grew so hot against him , that she had nothing but hell and the devil in her mouth , to whom she often bequeath'd him : the staring husband haveing heard her a great while with silence , at last answer'd , I prithee sweat heart , do not talk so much to me of the Devil , surely he will never do me any hurt , for I percieve I have married his kins-woman . The Emperour Severus had lain a long time sick of the gout ; one of his nobles told him , that he much wondred that he could rule so vast an Empire , being often so indispos'd , so lame and unweldie ; you need not wonder , replied the Emperour , the empire I rule with my brain not with my feet . A Persian Embassador shewed a Captain many wounds that he had recieved in wars against the Turk , afterward the Captain told him that his lordships skin after his death , if 't were to be sold , would not yield so much mony as that of a meaner person , why so , said the Embassadour , because , replied he , it has so many holes in it . A certain Historiographer tells a strange story of one Hans Boobikin , the son of a rich Boor , or countrie-man , in Holland , his father haveing furnish'd him with mony , and put him in an equippage fit to visit handsom ladies in , sent him abroad a fryering , or wooing ; but Hans not being accustomed to such gallantries , and not knowing where to go els , went to his grand-mothers house , where he fell a courting and feasting of her . At his return his father ask'd him where he had been ? he answer'd , at his grandmothers ; God's sacrament , replied the Boor , I hope thou hast not lain with my mother , yes , said Boobikin , why should not I lie with your mother , as well as you lie with mine ? ( 1. ) Two Gentlemen being drinking in a Tavern , chanced so to fall out , that from words they proceeded to blows ; whereupon soon after ensued a suit of Law : The main witness to prove what was done , was the Vintners boy , who being sub-poena'd and sworn at the day of tryal , began to tell his tale in this sort : My Lord , said he , I live at the sign of the St. Pauls head , my name is John , and by reason I draw to Gentlemen of the best wine , they have given me the appellation of honest , so that I am now commonly called Honest John. My Lord seeing him so impertinent in his preface , called to him and bid him speak to the matter , for that was quite besides it . I 'll warrant you , said John , you shall find it to the purpose presently , and thereupon proceeded : My Lord these two Gentlemen came in there to drink , the one of them his name is Mr. B. the other Mr. F. it was about three of the clock in the afternoon , and we had newly risen from dinner : we had to dinner that day a piece of boild powder'd beef , and butter'd turnips , and part of a roasted brest of mutton cold ; I could not eat very much of it , by reason I had gotten a cold with sitting up late two or three nights before . My Lord hearing him flie out thus again in his impertinences , bid him speak more home to the matter , or els hold his tongue . My Lord , said John , I was sworn to speak the truth , and all the truth , and I am resolved to do it : and so went on : These two Gentlemen asked for a room , and I shewed them up into the green chamber , it was two stories high , upon the left hand as soon as you are up two pair of stairs . Honest John , said my Lord , if thou art so called , trouble us not with these impertinences , but come to the matter . I am about it , quoth John , and so proceeds : As soon as they were in the room , they said unto me , now honest John bring us up a pint of the best Canary , which I did ▪ it was of the furthermost pipe but one in all our cellar , and we had no better wine in all the house ; it cost my master four and twenty pound the pipe : as I was going up the stairs , my master called to me , and asked me whether I was carrying up that pint of wine , and I told him to the two Gentlemen . John , said my Lord , that is not the question I asked you , but what passed between these two Gentlemen ? I shall tell you , quoth John , presently : When I had carried them up the wine , and that they had tasted of it , they told me that I was as good as my word , and that it was of the best Canary . But , said my Lord , what is this to the purpose ? Yes , said John , it is to the purpose , and if your Lordship pleases to come thither at any time , I shall draw ye of the same wine , and then you will say that honest Iohns words were true indeed . My Lord seeing no good to be done with Iohn , bid them set him aside , which Iohn took in very great dudgeon , professing he had spoken nothing but the truth , neither durst he speak any thing but what was true , his master bidding him before he came to have a special care of what he said . After some other witnesses being examined , the Councel on the Plantiffs side began to speak in the name of his client , ( as the usual custom is ) saying , My Lord , we came into this tavern with a peaceable intention , only to drink a pint of wine with that Gentleman , where we were by him abused , beaten and misused , and put in danger of our life . Iohn hearing him to say so , could forbear no longer , but stepping up , said , My Lord , that fellow with the Coife there tells a most damnable lie , for he says he was beaten and misused in our house , when ( I can justifie ) that he never was in our house in all his life . ( 2. ) A rich Farmer dying intestate , his son came upto London to take out Letters of Administration of his estate , but being unacquainted with the customs belonging to the spiritual Courts , he went first to a friend of his , telling him , That his Father died detested , leaving only him and two young infidels , and therefore he was devised to come up to London to a Concealor of the law , that he might thereby deminish the Estate . ( 3. ) A Gentleman lodging in a strange Inn , haveing store of money in his pockets , put his breeches under his bolster , when he went to bed to secure them ; but the next morning ( haveing gotten a pretty dose over night ) he had quite forgotten where he had bestowed them ; and haveing fruitlesly searched a prettie while , despairing of finding them , he called for the chamberlain , asking him if he knew what was become of them ? Sir , said the chamberlain , are you sure that you brought any in with you ? Why , quoth the Gentleman , do you think , that I came without breeches ? Sir , said he , if you are sure that you brought them with you , you had best search your pockets , and I question not but you will find them there . ( 4. ) One haveing read a very pithie , learned and wittie dedication before a flat , dull , foolish book , he very much admired , and said , how they should come to be so match'd together : In truth , said another , they may very well be match'd together , for I protest they are nothing of kin . ( 5. ) A Countrie man in Spain coming to an Image enshrined , the extraction and first making whereof he could well remember ; and not finding from the same that respectfull usuage which he expected , You need not be so proud , said he , for I have known you from a plumb tree . ( 6. ) One invited some friends in a complementing way home to dinner with him , which contrary to his expectation was accepted of ; in their way as they went , he told them though they fell short of meat at his house , yet they should have good sauce : which he made good in the performance , for when they came to his house , there was not any victuals , and hunger ( you know ) is of all other the best sauce . ( 7. ) When Gowry ( who attempted to kill King James ) was had to the tower , a friend of his told him , Ah , my Lord , I am sorry you had no more wit. Tush , quoth he , thou knowest not what thou sayest , when sawest thou a fool come hither ? ( 8. ) Another seeing in a play-bill upon a post , A great man gull'd , and underneath , By his Majesties Servants , read it thus , A great many gull'd by his Majesties Servants ; adding to it these words : By my soul as true a thing as ever was writ . ( 9. ) A Stranger coming up to London , chanced to happen into a house of iniquitie , which had the Flower-de-luce to its sign , where he got a clap with a French coul-staff ; whereupon at his going forth , he wrote this verse over the door : All you who hither chance to come , Mark well ere you go in ; For French-mens arms are signs without , And French-mens harms within . ( 10. ) One desired a Painter to paint him the picture of a fair Whore : Sir , said he , you may spare that cost , for if she be a right Whore , she will paint her self . ( 11. ) Two Travellors meeting together at an Inn , had a capon served them in for their dinner : The one of them being very sharp set , while the other ask'd him whether he had a father living or no ? The other answer'd , no ; and withall enter'd into a long discourse , how , where , and when his father died . In the mean time the Questionist had eaten up all the best of the capon ; which the tale-teller at last percieving , half angry said unto him , now I pray you tell me , have you a father living ? He answered , No. Then tell me , quoth the other , how he died : He very earnest at his victuals , briefly answered . Suddenly , suddenly , verie suddenly . ( 12. ) There was a Physician who pretended by his skill in casting of Urines to tell what distemper any man was troubled with ; a woman whose husband had fallen down a pair of stairs , went with her husbands water to this cunning Leach , who haveing by discourse pumpt out as much as he could of the woman , at last guest that he fell down eight stairs ; but the woman makeing it appear that it was eleven , he asked her if there were all the water : she confessing there was some left , O then , said he , there went the three stairs away . ( 13. ) An old Doctor which had been a Protestant in King Edwards days , a Papist in Queen Maries days , and a Protestant again in Queen Elisabeths , seeing a Lady dance a Galliard , commended her danceing very much ; to which she answer'd , That she knew she danc'd well enough , only she could not turn so well as he . ( 14. ) My Lord Maynard kept a fool , whose name was Iack Franck , that went in a py'd calve-skin suit ; he being one day in the high-way , a Gallant came rideing by all bedawbed with silver-lace , who spying Iack , asked him whose fool he was : said Iack , I am my Lord Mainards fool : and now I have told you whose fool I am , pray tell me whose fool you are . ( 15. ) One asked a Lords Jester , what vertue he thought was in a Turkey-stone ; to which he answer'd , That if you should chance to fall from the top of an house , you to break your neck , and the stone to have no hurt . ( 16. ) A Justice of peace called one that was brought before him , arrant knave ; who replied , I am not so arrant a knave as your worship ( and there he made a pause , as feigning to spit , and then adjoyned ) takes me to be . ( 17. ) One told his Neighbour that he had a Pope in his belly ; who answer'd , Better so than to have a devil in my heart . ( 18. ) There was a Maid who had taken a dram too much of the bottle , and not well knowing what she ailed , carried her water to a Physitian , who bid her be of good chear , for , said he , within these few months you shall have the cause of your grief in your arms . ( 19. ) A Countrey-man haveing his wives honesty in suspicion , went one morning betimes to an Astrologer , to be resolved of his doubts ; the Wizard was not then up , and the Countrey-man haveing extraordinary occasion , untrust a point upon the threshold : At last the Astrologer came down , and smelling what was done , in a great chafe , he said , if I knew who it was that did this nasty trick , I would have him severely punisht . The Country-man hearing him say so ; Nay then , faid he , adieu Wizard , I 'll home again to my Jenny ; if you know not who it was that shit at your door , I am sure you know nothing of my wifes honesty . ( 20. ) One went to a Lawyer for his advice without money , but the Lawyer was deaf on that ear ; the man being more earnest with him to have his advice : Will you have your Lamp burn , said he , without oyl ? ( 21. ) There was a Statute in Queen Elisabeths days , that whoever had Mass said in their house should pay fifty pounds : Mr. Ployden being in his heart a Papist ; a Noble-mans Coach-man undertook to bring him into that premunire ; and getting on Priests weeds , went to Mr. Ploydens , who taking him for a Priest , he was there admitted to say Mass : The Council being informed of the business , Mr. Ployden was sent for , and the thing laid so home to his charge , that he confessed it , and deposited down fifty pounds on the table . Then one of the council said unto him , You may see Mr. Ployden what a blind Religion you are nursed in ; fot he that said Mass at your house was no Priest , but only such a Noble-mans Coach-man , Nay then , quoth Mr. Ployden , the case is alter'd ; for no Priest no Mass ; no Mass no fifty pounds ; so swept up his mony , and away he went. ( 22. ) A Gentlemen passing up Fleet-street , met with another Gentleman , who gave him so great a justle , as had well nigh thrown him into the channel ; but recovering himself , he stept up to the other Gentleman , and asked him if it were in jest or in earnest ; he replying in earnest ; Very well , said he , I am glad it is so , for I tell you true , I like no such jesting . ( 23. ) A Countrie-man , who had never been at London before , was gaping into a Scriveners shop ; the Scrivener standing at the door , asked him what he would buy ; Gaffer , said he , what is it you sell ? the Scrivener told him loggerheads : said the man , I percieve you have quick trading , that you have but one left in the shop . ( 24. ) Oliver the late Usurper rideing abroad one day in his Coach , Hugh Peters was mounted on a Steed , and followed after ; it chanced a suddan shower of rain to fall , whereupon Oliver being unwilling his Chaplain should be wet , sent him his coat to keep him dry : Which Hughkin modestly refused , returning this answer to the messenger , that he would not be in his coat for a thousand pound . ( 25. ) Pride and Hewson , two of Cromwels pageant Lords , the one formerly a Drayman , the other a Cobler ; these two meeting together , Pride told Hewson he saw a piece of coblers wax sticking upon his scarlet cloak ; No matter for that , said Hewson , an handfull of brewers grains will wipe it off well enough . ( 26. ) Henry the eighth being abroad on hunting , through the eager pursuit of his game lost his attendants ; at length he wandred to the Abby of St. Albans , where ( unknown ) he dined with the Abbot , and fell so stoutly on , that the Abbot takeing notice thereof , said , he would give an hundred pound he had so good a stomach , for , quoth he , my stomach is so queasie , that I am ready to surfeit with pestle of a Lark , or the wing of a Partridg . The King remembring his words , the next day sent for him up by a couple of Pursevants , and without shewing any reason clapt him in the tower , where he was fed for a fortnight with only bread and water : At last the King sent him a rib of roast beef , on which he fed so heartily , and made so deep an impression , that the King stepping from his Coverture where in he stood to see what the Abbot would do , demanding of him his hundred pounds ; saying , Since I have been your Physitian , and recovered your stomach , pay me my money ; which the Abbot was forced to do . ( 27. ) The same King Henry haveing a months mind to the Abbot of Glastenburies estate , ( who was one of the richest Abbots in England ) sent for him to his court , and told him that without he could resolve him three questions , he should not escape with his life ; The Abbot willing to get out his clutches , promised his best endeavours . The Kings questions were these : First , of what compass the world was about : Secondly , how deep the Sea was : and Thirdly , what the King thought . The Abbot desired some few days respite , which being granted , he returned home , but with intent never to see the King again , for he thought the questions impossible to be resolved ; This his grief coming at last at the ears of his Cook , he undertook upon forfeiture of his life , to resolve these riddles , and to free his Master from danger ; The Abbot willingly condescended . So the Cook got on the Abbots cloaths , and at the time appointed went to the Court , and being like the Abbot in Physiognomy , was taken by all the Courtiers to be the same man : When he came before the King ( omitting other circumstances ) he thus resolved his three questions ; First , of what compass the world was about ; he said , It was but twenty four hours journey , and if a man went as fast as the sun , he might easily go it in that space . The second , How deep the Sea was ? He answered , Only a stones cast , for throw a stone into the deepest place of it , and in time it will come to the bottom . To the third , which I concieve , saith he , your Majesty thinks the most difficult to resolve , but indeed is the easiest , that is , what your Highness thinks ; I answer , that you think me to be the Abbot of Glastenburie , when as indeed , I am but Jack his Cook. ( 28. ) A Milk-Woman in London , that had by mixing water with her milk , gotton the sum of an hundred pounds , to increase it more , ventured the same in a voyage at Sea , but by chance of tempest the ship was cast away ; which the woman hearing of . Then farewell hundred pound , quoth she , lightly come , lightlie go ; I got it by the water , and I lost it by the water . ( 29. ) A young Wench who had taken a dram of the bottle , went with her water to Doctor Trigg , who told her the baker had been too busie with her , and left a pennie-loaf in her bellie ; No indeed Sir , said she , you are mistaken , it was not he , it was my Fathers man. ( 30. ) One by chance spit in another mans face , whereat as being sorry for his offence , he said , I cry you mercy Sir for spitting in your face , but if you please to lie down , I will tread it out again with my foot . ( 31. ) Two or three Gentlemen were drinking together , whereof the one of them was named Sampson ; being in discourse concerning the differences betwixt the English and the Dutch , one of them said , What need we to fear the Dutch , since here is Sampson able to conquer them all ? True , said Sampson , that I may do , if you please to lend me one of your jaw-bones . ( 32. ) A rustical Husbandman challenged kindred of an eminent Bishop of this land , requesting him to bestow an office upon him : Cousin , said the Bishop , if your Cart be broken , I 'll mend it ; if your Plough be old , I 'll give you a new one , and seed to sow your land ; but an husbandman I found you , and a husbandman I 'll leave you . ( 33. ) A Taylor sent his man to a Gentleman with a long bill for some little money due to him , who rather willing to cavil than to pay , in a great rage said : Why Sirrah , does your Master think I am running away , that he is so hastie to send for his monie ? No Sir , said the servant , my Master doth not imagin you to be about to run away , hut he himself is , which makes him so earnest with you and others , to get money to carrie a long with him . ( 34. ) A Gentleman walking over Lincolns-Infields , was followed by a Beggar , and earnestly importuned with the terms of Good your honour , pray your Worship , sweet Master bestow something on me : He to try this Beggars humour , said , that they use to call such as gave them nothing , Rogues and Rascals : No indeed , said the Beggar , not I , I scorn to do it : Well , said the Gentleman , I 'll trie thee for this once ; but the Beggar return'd him such a peal in his ears , that he was glad to mend his pace to get out of the hearing of it . ( 35. ) Two Gentlemens Servants being drinking together chanced to fall out ; and at last , amongst other discourse , fell to vying the nobleness of their Masters ; one of them saying , My Master spends more in Mustard than yours does in Beef . To whom the other replied , The more sawcie men his followers . ( 36. ) A talkative man , who took himself to be a grand Wit , was boasting that in what companie soever he came , he was the leader of the discourse , and that none durst speak in his presence , if he held his peace : No marvail , said one , for they are all struck dumb at the miracle of your silence . ( 37. ) A Gentleman coming to court in his coach , as he was lighting out of it , asked a Page , that retained to some person therein , what it was a clock : Sir , said the youth , what will you give me then ? Why , said the Gentleman , must you have money given you to tell that ? Sir , quoth the lad , I would not have you mistake your self , we courtiers do nothing without monie . ( 38. ) A Controversie in Law was at last reserr'd to a Gentleman to decide , and both parties bound to stand to his award ; the Plantiff , to win him to his side , presented him with a new coach : and the Defendant to gain his favour gave him four brave horses . The Gentleman likeing the horses better than the coach , gave the verdict on the Defendants side : Whereupon the Plantiff asked him how it came to pass the coach went out of the right way : the Gentleman answered , he could not help it , for it was the horses had drawn it so . ( 39. ) One that had often asked an old debt , was still put off with words , that he would pay him ere it were long ; which made him to say , I suppose at last you will die in my debt ; to which the other answered , I have lived now this fortie Years , and am sure I never died in anie ones debt yet . ( 40. ) A precise Gentleman kept a Servant that was a great player at cards , who was complained thereof to his Master by one of his fellow-servants . The Gentleman , who would not endure such wickedness as he thought to raign in his familie , had his man in examination , chargeing him verie deeply for a great Gamester : Sir , said the Servant , I am so far from being a player at cards , that I know not what a pair of cards means . No , said the Gentleman to the tell-tale , did not you say he was a great player at cards ? Yes , and please your Worship , quoth he , he is so , and so addicted to them , that he seldom goes without a pair in his pocket . Upon these words the Gentleman commanded his pockets to be searched , wherein was a pair found indeed . What is this ? said the Gentleman , did not you say you knew not cards ? then pray what things are these ? O that , quoth the man , is my Almanack , which I carrie continually about with me . Pray , said the Gentleman , make it appear how these cards can be an Almanack . Why thus Sir , said the man ; there are in these things , you call cards , as many suits as there are Quarters in the year , as many cards as there are Weeks in the year , as many court-cards as there are Months in the year , and as many spots as there are Days in the year . And is this , said the Gentleman , all the use that you make of them ? No , quoth the servant , I have more uses of them than these ; for when I look upon the King , it puts me in mind of the allegiance that I ow to my soveraign Lord the King ; looking upon the Queen , puts me in mind of the like allegiance that I ow to the Queen ; the Ten puts me in mind of the ten Commandements ; the Nine , of the nine Muses ; the Eight , of the eight Altitudes ; the Seven , of the seven liberal Sciences ; the Six , of the six days that we ought to labour in ; the Five , of the five sences ; the Four , of the four Evangelists ; the Three , of the Trinity ; the Two , of the two Sacraments ; and the Ace , that we ought to worship but one God. Why said the Gentleman , if this be all the use that you make of them , I can find no great fault with you ; but of all the Cards that you have named , you have forgotten one , you have not remembred the Knave , pray what use do you make of him ? O , said the servant smileing , that , and it please you , is your worships informer . ( 41. ) A Citizen rideing with his wife to see the countrey , they chanc'd to come to a place where a Gardiner had hung up some Moles , or Wants upon the twigs of a tree , which she spying , Good Lord Husband , said she , what brave living it is in the countrey , over it is in the city , where we have no such brave things growing as these ! for look yonder Husband is a Black-pudding-tree . ( 42. ) An extravagant Proctor talking unseemly words before a Gentlewoman , she asked him of what profession he was of ? Madam , said he , I am a civil Lawyer : O lack Sir , said she then , if civil Lawyers are such bawdie people , I wonder what other lawyers are ? ( 43. ) At such time when Perriwigs were as scarce as money is now amongst poor men , a Gentleman , who had lost his hair by a fit of sickness , was forced with the first to make use of one of them , It happened that he and his boy that attended on him , rideing down into the countrey , there fell such a showr of rain , which continued so long , as necessitated them to take up their lodging at a paltrie Alehouse in a countrie village , where seeing the weather to prove so bad , he was resolv'd to lie for that night , after some short commons , which went by the name of a supper , the Gentleman was conducted to his lodging-chamber , which was hung with cobwebs , instead of cloath of Arras , his boy also was shewn to another chamber , something inferiour you may be sure to that of his masters , which was also richly hang'd with spiders tapestrie , whilst the Gentleman was makeing himself unready , the maid peeped in at a hole under the door , ( which was made for the Cat to go out and in ) that when he was a bed , she might fetch away the candle . Haveing undrest himself , he pulls off his Perriwig , and sets it upon a stool by him , which the maid percieving , verily imagined that he had pulled off his head , and so conceited she was of it , that she ran down to her Dame , telling her , that the Gentleman , who lodged there , was no other than an arrant conjurer , for she saw him with her own eyes to pull off his head , and set it upon the stool by him , and if she doubted any thing of the truth thereof , if she would go up she might see it standing there at that present . Her Dame , though something a nullifidian of what she heard , yet to satisfie her maids curiositie , went up , where peeping likewise in at the hole , and seeing it upon the stool , she was then of the same opinion with her maid ; and so fearfull they were both thereof , that neither of them durst fetch the candle , but the Gentleman was forced to put it out himself . That night was spent in a great deal of fear , they judging that bad weather to proceed from the Conjurer , and expecting yet worss : but when in the morning they saw all fair , and a serene sky , they changed their opinion , and that though he was a conjurer , yet that now he would do no more harm : Whilst they were now entered into this good opinion of him , one of her neighbours came in , who had lost a horse , whom he judged to be stole , for which he made a great complaint : Hold your peace , said she , I can tell you a way which I warrant you will fetch your horse again : We have a conjurer that is now lodged in our house , who for half a dozen of beer , I question not but will do your business : and therewithal she went up to the Gentleman , acquainting him with her neighbours loss , and desireing his assistance for the gaining him again ; for , said she , I know you have skill in the black Art , my maid and I seeing your head last night upon the stool , when as the rest of your bodie was gon to bed . The Gentleman percieving her folly in her grand mistake , and willing to have some mirth after his wet journey , told her , that for her sake he would do his best endeavour for her neighbour ; and that when he was readie , he would raise a Spirit which should quickly tell him where the horse was . The woman overjoyed at these words , ran down and told her neighbour that he should have his horse again within an hour , and that if he would stay so long , he should see him come galloping to him again in a full carriere : This news pleased the fellow so well , that he resolved to stay . In the mean time the Gentleman was consulting with him self how to bring his purpose the best way to effect ; in order thereto , he told his boy that he must act the part of a Devil ; and to personate him the better , Whilst I am gon down , said he , to speak with him about the business , do you turn your coat the wrong-side outwards , and creep under the bed , where you must lie till I speak these words , Elhavareuna , Phonsonthoohia , Heidon cus Towronus Dungeonis Keptoribus ; then do you come forth from under the bed , and make as hideous a noise with your mouth as you can possible . The boy promised to do as he bad him : and when his master was gon down , he went about his business ; but remembring with him self , that in the chamber where he lodged , there lay a raw bulls-hide left there by some butcher , thought that would personate the Devil far better than his coat ; and thereupon he suddenly fetched it , and wrapped himself therein , with the horns appearing just over his head ; which haveing don , he crope under the bed , expecting the event : soon after he was fixt , came up his master , the dame , the maid , and the fellow that had lost his horse ; when the Gentleman haveing a chalk-stone in his hand , marked them everie one out a circle ; then placeing them therein , he bid them not to stir out of them whatsoever they saw : so pulling a book out of his pocket , he began to read some hard uncouth names , and at last came to those words , Elhavareuna , &c. when the boy made his appearance from under the bed , with a great pair of horns and a bellowing noise : his master , who knew not of his boys new invention for acting the devil , seeing such a hideous thing to appear , thought it had been the Devil indeed , who had come to have punisht him for undertakeing to conjure , and thereupon he ran as fast as he could drive , makeing but one step from the top of the stairs to the bottom : the women and the man seeing the Gentleman to run , thought likewise the Devil was come to fetch them for being spectators , and thereupon ran as fast as he , tumbling down the stairs one upon the neck of another : the boy seeing them all to run in such disorder , thought also that the Devil was indeed come for him for acting his part , and therefore he began to throw off his coverture ; but he had before so fastened it unto him , that seeing he could not pull it off , he ran with it on , when coming to the top of the stairs , the hide so wrapped about his legs , as threw him from the top to the bottom amongst them , when they hearing the horns to make a clattering , so shrieked and bellowed as if the Devil had been amongst them indeed . Sad was the effects of this their conjuring : one had his nose broke , another his shin , some hurt their elbows , some their thighs , and others their backs , the Gentleman lost his perriwig , the women fell with their heels upwards , and to conclude , not anie one of them sped so well , but he had more occasion for a surgeon than a conjurer , ( 44. ) A Countrie-fellow was subpoena'd for a witness upon a tryal of an action of defamation , at a Quarter-sessions holden in the countrey : he being sworn , the Judg bid him to say the verie same words that he heard spoken ; the fellow was loath to speak , and hum'd and haw'd for a good space ; but being urged by the Judge , he at last spake , My Lord , said he , you are a rogue : the Judg seeing the people begin to laugh , called to him , and bid him to speak to the Jewry , for there was twelve of them . ( 45. ) A Barbers boy passing through the Shambles , fell to snapping his fingers , saying , they were all Cuckolds that could not do so : a butcher hearing him , went to try to snap his fingers , but being greazie they would not do , wherefore he went and wash'd them , and then came out snapping of them as the boy had don : to whom the boy said , O Gaffer , 't is too late now , you should have don so before . ( 46. ) A finical Captain kept a man to wait on him : which man being one day , in companie , pulled off his hat , and began his masters health . Some of the companie bid him put his hat on again , telling him his master was a souldier : a souldier ! said the fellow , he is a lyar that saysit , My master is no souldier , he is a Captain . ( 47. ) A Lady of Paris , who was suspected of inchastity , was speaking before a reverend Divine of the French reformed church , that the scripture was very hard to be understood . Why , said the Divine , what can be more plain , than , Thou shallt not commit Adulterie ? ( 48. ) One said , that chuseing of wives was like to drawing in the lotterie , where for one prize a man should meet with twentie blancks : Sir Thomas Moor was want to say , to the plucking by casualitie Eels out of a bag , wherein for every Eel are twentie Snakes . ( 49. ) A Carpenter had married a verie handsom woman to his wife , but that she wearing cork-shooes , it made her light-heel'd . This Carpenter used to work about a mile from home ; but for the love that he bore to his wife , he would everie night come back to bed with her , although as it seem'd she had rather to have had his room than his companie ; for no sooner was he gon , but his place was supplied by another , whom she loved more dearly , his next neighbour , who by trade was a Grocer . It happened one morning , that the Carpenter went forth as he was accustomed ; but before his place was cold , another was gotten therein : he had not gon a quarter of a mile , but there fell such a storm of rain , with likelihood of continuance , tht he returned back again ; and drawing the latch , went into the house : which the Grocer hearing crope out of the bed underneath it as fast as he could . It being not yet day , the Carpenter pull'd off his cloaths and went to bed ; where he had not layn above a quarter of an hour , but that it ceas'd raining ; and the sky verie clear , gave great hopes of a fair day : which the good wife percieving , fearing her lover would catch cold , by being without his cloaths underneath the bed , she jogg'd her husband , telling him now the sky was very clear , and therefore desired him to rise to go to work . The Carpenter , who was verie observant to his wife , did accordingly ; but it being so dark that he could not see , he mistook , and put on the grocers breeches instead of his own : and so going his journey , when he came to his work , putting his hand in his pocket to pull out his compasses , he found there an handfull of money , at which he much marvelled , knowing not how it should come there ; only he thought it was no bad luck to have his pockets so lined ; yet was he in a quandarie whether he was awake or in a dream , he being seldom master of such a purchase . Putting his hand in his other pocket , he found there a bunch of keys , a note-book , and some other papers ; which encreased his wonder more than before : but looking down towards his legs , he saw the breeches were all full of ribbans , whereas his own had never any on them . Not knowing what to think thereof , he resolved to go home again and confer with his wife . In the mean time the Grocer missed his breeches , and telling the Goodwife thereof , they knew not what to do , only she thought it was his best way not to stay , judging her husband had gotton them on , which might occasion his sudden return : and indeed her suspicion herein proved true ; for no sooner was the Grocer gon , but the husband returned home , where he found his wife weeping and wayling and takeing-on most bitterly : he asking her the reason thereof ; O , said she , The Grocer at the next door yesternight brought a pair of breeches hither for me to mend for him , and I being willing to earn a pennie , and not always to relie upon your gettings , took the business upon me , since which time , I know not how , some body hath come in and stollen them away ; but if I knew that cuckoldly rogue that had them , I would have him hanged if it were possible . Then casting her eyes fully upon him , O lack husband , said she , I see you have gotten them on ; truly I was afraid they had been lost , but hereafter I will have more care of such things as long as I live . The husband hereupon pulled them off , and gave them to his wife ; but withal told her , That he had rather allow her two pence out of his days wages , than that she should earn a pennie in such sort . ( 50. ) One was saying , that he thought in his conscience such a neighbour of his was a cuckold : to whom his wife said , husband , why do you say so ? You are such another man. ( 51. ) One told his friend , that the rats had gnawn his hose , asking him very seriously what he thought it signified ? marry , said he , it signifies that your hose is gnawn , but it is not so strange a thing that the rats should gnaw your hose , as it would have been if your hose had eat up the rats . ( 52. ) Two members of the Rump-Parliament being upon the Thames with a pair of Oars ; one of them said , You Watermen are meer hypocrites , you row one way and look another . Marry , replied one of the Watermen , we have not plyed so long at Westminster-stairs for nothing , but have learned something of our masters that sit there to pretend one thing and act another . ( 53. ) When the Rump-Parliament had voted down the keeping of Christmas ; A fellow said , it was high time for them so to do , since most of their printed acts began to be put under Christmas pies . ( 54. ) One desireing a Maid to go to a Gentleman and kiss him : Nay Sir , said she , I 'll nere go to market for that ware , which I can have brought home to my door . ( 55. ) A Barber going to the court , and being at his return asked what he saw ? he answered , The King was verie neatlie trim'd . ( 56. ) One said he would willingly marry , but he would have a wife that was perfectlie good . To whom another said , that if none but such would serve his turn , he must bespeak her , for there was no such readie made . ( 57 ) A cautious Gentleman had refrained long from marriage , because he doubted of the honesty of women in general , and fearing he might have a wench instead of a maid ; which he at length happened upon : for he was married to one reputed virgin , who was with child by another man , whereupon one of his companions said , that he had taken a sure way to marry a maid , for there was one in the mothers bellie . ( 58. ) A Malefactor being brought before a conceited Justice , it was desired by the plaintiff that the Justice would be careful in takeing the officers examination . To whom the Justice replied , I can inform my self by his verie looks : I have taken a hundred examinations in my days of Felons and other offenders out of their verie countenances , and wrote them down verbatim what they would have said : I am sure it hath serv'd to hang some of them , and whip the rest . ( 59. ) A rich coveteous person being chosen Sheriff of a county , not knowing which would be cheapest , to fine or hold , went to a friend of his who had born the same office , and enquired of him what it cost him . The other told him he gained five hundred pounds by the office . Whereupon this coveteous Churl would not fine , but held Sheriff . But at the years end , he found that he had spent a thousand pounds more than he had recieved : Wherefore he went to his friend , and told him that he had spent a thousand pound . Then , said his friend , you have been a better husband than I was : for I gave my Steward two thousand pounds to spend , and he returned me five hundred of it ; which I reckoned gain , because I intended to have spent it all . ( 60. ) A Dog , named Rose , pist on a Gentlewomans bed , at which she being angry did beat the little curr ; one being by excused the dog , saying , Madam , you need not fret so much at it , for it was but a little Rose-water spilt . ( 61. ) A certain kind hearted creature affirming her self to be a maid , was asked by one in the company how she could prove that , another answer'd for her , per demonstrationem à posteriori . ( 62. ) A tinker coming through Cheapside , and sounding bravely on his keetle , to the tune of Have you anie work for a Tinker , a forward Linnen-Draper thought to put a Jest upon the Tinker , there being a Pillory before his door ; told him that he should do well to stop those two holes , pointing to the Pillory ; the Tinker returned him this answer , that if he would afford him his head and ears , that he would find a hammer and nails , and give him work into the bargain . ( 63. ) A Maid being married to an old man , she was very sad all the time the Wedding was kept : A merry fellow being there , to comfort her , said , Be of good cheer , Ladie , for an old horse will perform as long a journey as a young ; she simpering and sighing said , withal stroking down her bellie ; But not in this road Sir. ( 64. ) A School-master asked one of his Schollars what was latin for cold , O Sir , says the boy , I have that at my fingers ends . ( 65. ) A Baker rideing through a Yeomans close , spyed a fat goose , and being a merrie fellow , the lights down , and takes up the goose , and weighing her in his hand , he lik'd her so well that he put her into one of his dossers , and thumping old Brock his Mare with his feet , he began to trot homewards as fast as he could : The goose made such a noise , that the Yeoman was so suddenly allarmed as to observe the Bakers knaverie , who strained his throat , and cryed aloud , Baker , Baker , the Baker made as if he did not hear , but rides home as fast as he could . The Yeoman knowing who he was , got a Warrant to have him before a Justice : The business being examined , the Baker was asked what he could say for himself : And like your Worship , said he , I went to buy a goose , and comeing into this mans close I took one up , weighed her , lik'd her , and carried her home , this man calls to me to bake her , which I have don , and if your worship , or he , loves a goose , truly both of you shall be wellcom to the pye . ( 66. ) One in the telling of a tale haveing brought himself to a Non-plus , desired one of his auditors that stood by to help him out , no , quoth he , you are out enough already . ( 67. ) A conceited Gentleman seeing his wife in a very sullen mood , asked her how she did , she answered him that she was not sick , nor yet very well . Nay , quoth he , then I may even turn thee out of doors , for I only promised when I married thee , to cherish thee in sickness and in health , which answer frighted her out of her sullen humors . ( 68 ) A Gentleman being hasty on his Journey , his friend was over curious in makeing clean of his boots , the Gentleman jestingly desired him to leave off , for , said he , the old dirt will serve to keep out the new . ( 69. ) A Schollar haveing a very little study , and some of his friends desireing him to let them see it , he said , I faith Gentlemen , if you go all in , it will not hold you . ( 70. ) Says an Alderman to the rest of his brethren , we need not to doubt our cause in law , if we can but prove Henrie the second to have been before Henrie the first . ( 71. ) One being to take a journey into the country was advised by a friend of his , not to go that day , for certainly , quoth he , it will rain ; pub , replies the other , you may take your Journey , it is no matter for rain , so that it hold but up under-foot . ( 72. ) One said of a man that pinched his belly to fave his money , that he lived by the air like a Cormorant . ( 73 ) A country Clown haveing a friend to speak with at Chirurgeons Hall , seeing of a mans Skin tanned , said that that Skin would make excellent good Bucks-leather gloves . ( 74. ) A fellow whose cup was overfilled , and so delivered to him , did once or twice very gingerly sip thereof , whereat the company laughing , he said Gentlemen it was too full before , but now 't is very fair , and so he drank off all the rest . ( 75. ) One haveing a son that was an unthrift , ordered him to go a souldier into the Low-countries ; A friend of his meeting him told him that he heard he would go a volunteir , I , I , quoth the intended souldier , much against my will. ( 76. ) A country Curate asking a young Schollar to which University he intended to go , the Schollar answered him to Cambridge , That is a very unhealthfull place , said the Curate , for I think if I had lived there till this time , I had been dead five years since . A Company were talking of an impudent woman that had hit her husband in the teeth with his horns , one amongst them said , what a fool was he to let his wife know that he was a Cuckold . ( 77. ) A Seaman being most dangerously affrighted with a most horrible tempest , did promise and vow that if ever he came to shore , that he would reform and amend his wicked life and conversation , and that he would eat no more powderd beef ; for that it caused him to drink so much . The weather being calm ▪ and the shore recovered , as soon as ever he had stept on it , he cryed out , not without ▪ Mustard , not without Mustard . ( 78. ) A silly country Gentlewoman being got with child by one that was much her inferiour , to save her credit , accused the man of a rape ; whereupon the matter was brought before a neighbouring Justice of Peace , who easily percieving , and haveing before an eye into the business : after he had heard her complaint , how deeply she had been injured , as pittying her he said , alas poor Gentlewoman , I warrant this was not the first time that the rogue ravished you , she , to aggravate his crime , replyed , no I 'll be sworn he ravished me above twenty times , which procured much laughter , and the fellows freedom . ( 79. ) A Schollar keeping of his chamber very close , by reason of his sore legs , was ask'd by one how he could keep in so much , haveing such running legs . ( 80. ) A certain Nobleman sitting at the table , opposite to Scotus that writ on the sentences , a most learned Englishman , amongst other discourse , merrily asked him , what was the difference betwixt Sot and Scot , he answered , Nothing but the table , Sir. ( 81. ) One asking Diogenes the Cynick , what he would have to take a cuff on the ear , he answered a helmet . Another time walking in the fields , and seeing of a man shooting very unskilfully , he went and sate down very near the mark , some asking him why he did so , he answered , Lest peradventure he should hit me . ( 82. ) A Company of Inland Cockneys shot a living Lobster , which was let fall on the High-way , for a serpent , and made a solemn thanks-giving ( if you will believe it ) for their deliverance from it . One of them being somewhat wiser than the rest , took up the Serpent , and invited the Minister of the Parish to dine with him , who being derided for his errour , said , that in all his life time he never saw a black Lobster before . ( 83. ) One that was a Journeyman used to go before his mistress once on a Sunday very formally to Chuch , only to bring her thither , and so to leave her with the apprentice to come home with her again : he haveing appointed that afternoon to be merry at Islington with some of his Comrades , who were to meet him there at the Katharine-wheel , every one of them so furnished with one thing or other , as to make up a lustie collation : As soon as his Mistress was in her Pew , he had like to have committed a grand mistake , instead of her Bible he was a going to deliver her his Islington Neats-tongue , which he had wrapt in a brown-paper ; but as good fortune would have it , he recollected himself suddenly , recovered it again , and put it under his arm : She being almost angry ask'd him what was the reason he did not give her the bible , forsooth , he replied , that was mine , and so delivered her the bible in the green bag , and kept his in the brown paper . ( 84. ) A Strumpet would have fathered a child on Aristippus , to clear himself he said , that she might as well say if she went through a hedg of thorns , that this thorn prickt her . ( 85. ) A Tenant dining at his Lords table , could get no liquor , wherefore he arose , and desired leave to go home and drink , saying , that he would return again presently . ( 86. ) One falling from the top of an house , with his weight killed a man that was under , but saved his own life , the other mans friend prosecuteing the law , and requireing Lex talionis , was adjudged to get upon the house , and to fall down on the Tyler . ( 87. ) A Gentlewoman was in company telling a tale of a Curtezan who was like to be surprized in bed with a Lord , and that they were so near put to 't , that to save both their credits , the Lord was inforced to let her down at a window with one of the sheets : in conclusion , said she , the knot slipt , and down fell I. ( 88. ) A Gormandizer being about to set down at table , complained that he had lost his stomach ; Well , quoth one that stood by , if a poor man had found it , he had been utterly undon . ( 89. ) A Souldier quartering in New-Market , often observed a young country Wench that sold pigs every market day ; whereupon he went to her one day , and desired to see some pigs ; haveing seen several , he said at last , He would have one that was alive , so she shewed him one that she had in a bag . Well , Sweet heart , said he , I live hard by , and must go shew the pig to my Captain , if he like it , you shall have three shillings for it , in the mean time I will leave the price with you . Thus haveing got the pig tied up in the bag , he went to his lodging , and put a dog into the bag instead of it , and returning quickly to the Damosel , said , Trulie his Captain did not like the pig ; and therefore she took the bag without looking into it , and gave him his money . Not long after came a French Monsieur in hast to buy a pig , but not likeing those that were dead , would have a live one . Sir , said she , I have one of the same bigness alive , the price is so much . Well , here is your monie , said he , but how shall I carrie it ? Why for a groat you shall have poke and all . Poke , what is that ? said the Frenchman . 'T is a bag Sir , said she , that it is tied up in . Oh de bag , is dat de poke ? well here is a groat . Thusaway he goes with his bargain home , but when he comes to look in the poke , O de Diable ; says he , is dis de pig ? de Dible take me , if I do buy de pig in de poke again . ( 90. ) One seeing a bare-legg'd fellow run on an errand , said , Do you hear friend , when those stockings are worn out , I will give you a new pair . I thank yon Sir , replied the other , these stockings have lasted me a great while ; I have also a pair of breeches of the same stuff , that never had but one hole in them , and that 's at your service too . ( 91. ) A Gentleman meeting the Kings Jester , asked , What news ? Why Sir , reply'd he , There are forty thousand men risen to day . I pray to what end , said the other , and what do they intend ? Why to go to bed again at night , said he . ( 92. ) One asked , Why men sooner gave to poor people that begged , than to Scholais ? 'T is , said one , because they think they may sooner come to be poor , than to be Scholars . ( 93. ) A countrieman coming to Paris with his ass loaded , the beast stuck in a dirty place of the road ; wherefore the peasant struck him with a stick to make him rise : till at last a courtier passing by , said , How now villain , art thou not ashamed to abuse thy beast so ? If thou strikest him again , I will give thee an hundred blows with the same cudgel . The poor man ignorant what to do , pull'd off his hat till the Gentleman was past , and then began to beat his beast worse than before ; saying , How now mine ass , who would have thought that thou hadst had friends at court ? ( 94. ) A prudent Gentleman in the beginning of the rebellious times , as he lay on his death-bed , was asked how he would be buried ? he answered , With my face downward , for within a while this England will be turned upside down , and then I shall lie right . ( 95. ) One seeing the rump in council , Oh strange , said he , what fine men be these , I could willingly work for such as long as I live . What trade are you pray ? said another ; Why trulie , replied he , I am a Cordwinder . ( 96. ) Two comeing to an Inn , they bid the hostler give their horses some oats ; presently one going down , saw the hostler robbing the horses , for which chideing him , he returned to his companion , that had trusted too much upon the hostlers fidelity : What , said his companion , have the horses dined already ? Yes , I believe yours has , replied he , for as I went down just now , I saw the Hostler takeing away . ( 97. ) A Gentleman haveing lost his sight , his friends often asked how he could be so merry ; Why , before ; said he , I used to go alone , but now I have alwaies companie . ( 98. ) Some merry companions haveing been at an ordinary all day , when by much drink they began to be mad , began at last to jeer one another concerning their Mistresses , whereat one struck the other a box in the ear , and all expected some bloudy event ; but the injured person demanded what the other meant , whether he were in jest or in earnest ; In earnest , said the other , whose collar had carried him beyond the bounds of friendship . The other more considerate and loath to quarrel with his friend , 'T is well you are ; said he , for I like not such jesting . ( 99. ) In the flourishing time of Greece , when young Alexander made the world shake , and the war began to be waged against the Persian Monarchy , the timerous spies told one of Alexander's Captains , That the enemies , beside all their other militairy preparations , brought so many archers against him , as would darken the sky , and exclude the light of the sun ; at which news nothing daunted , 'T is good news for us , said he , that are in an hot countrey ; for we shall fight in the shade . ( 100. ) In Naples a city of Italy , there happen'd in a great siege that endured long , that the Governour made a severe Order , That every man should be put to death , that being above such an age , did not wear a Sword ; but not long after , as he was rideing thro the street , to see how well his order was put in execution , he spied a Gentleman without a sword , and commanded him to be brought before him , then was the order read , and he condemned to die the death appointed , which was to be hanged on the next sign post . The Gentleman , after he had pleaded several things in his own behalf , but could avail nothing ; nevertheless desired this favour , that he might not die so ignominiously , but that the next Gentleman that passed , might run him through with his sword : the request being reasonable , was granted , and the execution prorogued till the next came . Now it happen'd that a young gallant was coming from a gameing house that way , that haveing lost all , so much as the blade of his sword , which was good merchandise at that time , did not dare , in regard of the severe order , to go home , until a wooden one was fitted to the handle : This Gentleman was stopt , and the dying mans case laid open ; but this ingenious person , knowing his own insufficiency , What , said he , must I be a common executioner ? Must I stain my hands in bloud without passion ? and be a reproach to all men ? Nevertheless this argument availed nothing , and kill him he must : then putting off his cloak , he began a prayer to this effect , Thou who seest all the transactions here below , judg I pray thee , and vindicate the cause of those that suffer wrong ; in especial manner grant that if this man here ought not to die , this sword may be turned into wood . Then drawing it forth , it appeared to be wood ; wherefore the dying Gentleman was released immediatly with abundance of joy , and the wooden sword was carried with great solemnity , and hung up in the cathedral Church , as a true link to the chain of Popish Miracles . ( 101. ) In these late times every discourse being of preparations of war , and proceedings against the Dutch , amongst many other questions , one was so curious , as to ask one in the company why the Dutch were called butter-boxes ? 'T is , replied the other merrily , because they are spread over the whole world . ( 102. ) A Valiant Captain , when some of his timerous companions , to hinder the joyning of the battle , told him their enemies were three times as many as they . Are they so , said he , no whit dismayed , then I am very glad ; for there are enough to be killed , enough to be taken prisoners , and enough to run away . ( 103. ) One who had always been very jocose in his life time , when he lay on his death-bed , his chief Clerk came and desired he would leave him a legacy : Here , said he , giving him a key , in such a Drawer , there is that will make thee drink ; not many hours after he died , and the youth greedily opening the Box , found nought there but two red herrings . ( 104 ) A merry Gentleman rideing on the road , saw a boy foul his breeches : Why Sirrah , said he , are you not ashamed to make a fool in your breeches . Alas Sir , said he , you make a worse of your doublet , to button up such an Ass in it . ( 105. ) Sir Roger Williams hearing a Spaniard foolishly brag of his country sallats , gave him this answer , You have indeed good sauce in Spain , but we in England have dainty beefs , veals , and muttons , and as God made Beasts to live on Grass , so he made Men to live on Beasts . ( 106. ) The Standers by conforting a natural that lay on his Death-bed , told , That four proper fellows should carry his body to the church ; Yea , quoth he , but I had rather by half go thither my self . ( 107. ) Were I a Prince , says a countrey boy ; why what then ? answered his companion : Oh then I would eat my bellie full of bacon , and swing upon a gate all day long . ( 108. ) Walking through the city in a great throng , a Person of Quality accidentally lost his watch out of his pocket , of which he complained to his friend ; Alas Sir , said the other , who can help it , time will away . ( 109. ) A learned Gentleman disputeing concerning death , said , It was all one to live or to die . Why do you not die then ? said another ; Because , replied he , it is all one . ( 110. ) A vertuous Gentleman being asked by a knave , what was Piety ? What is that to you , said he , meddle with those things that concern you . ( 111. ) A grave Citizen in London , though not so wise as he should be , talking with some of his Neighbours , concerning his Shop he had then newly rebuilt after the fire ; Truly , said he , I think I have contrived it to the best advantage ; for it h●●h the Morning Sun all day long in it . ( 112. ) 'T was at first , when the fashion of white freeze came up amongst the Gentlemen , especially for rideing suits , that a Wise-acre considering that it was then most in fashion , a lasting and serviceable garment , asked , If there were no black of that colour , for he had a great mind to have a coat made of it ? ( 113. ) Two men meeting in the street and quarreling , it came so far at last that one gave the other a kick in the breech . The people much admired the others patience , inviting him to revenge that injury : What , says he , if an Ass kicks me , must I go to law with him . ( 114. ) The day proveing very windy , wherein one was to perform his journey , who was scarce ever before farther than his street , his friends dissuaded him , saying , The wind would be very troublesome to him . Oh , let me alone , said he , I will ride out of the wind . ( 115. ) One being demanded , Why learned men frequented rich mens pallaces , but rich seldome visited the learned ? answered , That the first knew what they wanted , the later did not . ( 116. ) An impudent Strumpet seeing a poor Countreyman recieve ten pounds , seised on him , and brought him before the Judge , swearing he would have ravished her , nay that he did ; insomuch that the poor man , who never had to do with her , notwithstanding all his innocence , could not clear himself of the accusation ; and still she urged that he ought to marry her : so the business was put to a publick Trial , where at last , I know not by what means , it was concluded that the man should give her ten pounds to clear the business . The poor man , after he had delivered her the money , made such unfeigned protestations of his innocence , that moved the Judge to pitty , and to believe that he was indeed wronged ; wherefore he said to the poor man , Go run after her quickly , and if thou canst get thy money from her , thou shalt have it ; thus overtakeing her , he sets upon her , but proves so weak in the matter , that she beat him heavily within sight of all the people . Then the Judg commanded her to be brought back , and said , Could this man ravish thee , and thou art so able to resist him ? Give him his money , and pay him all his charges ; and for your wickedness I shall command that you be well whipped . ( 117. ) A Carpenter being at work in a bowling Green , was asked , what he was about ? I am a makeing , said he , a bench for the standers by , to sit upon . ( 118. ) A Crew of boon companions , in the height of their mirth , began to be captious and quarrel ; so Thomas threw a piece of a tobacco-pipe in John's face ; but Thomas denied it and cleared himself . Well 't was ill don of you Thomas though , quoth John , whoever did it . ( 119 ) Two scholars had made a match one night to go to steal rabbets in a Warren , the one that was set to watch , when the rabbets came , cried out , Ecce cuniculi multi ; at which the coneys ran again into their burrows . The other , seeing the sport spoiled , chid him for so doing . Why who knew , says he , that they understood latine ? ( 120. ) One quarrelling in his cups with his companion at the tavern , was so furious and violent , that he would have beaten him immediatly : and being hindred from strikeing by the rest of his company , You shall not think to escape so , said he , in a rage , I protest I will kick you down stairs wheresoever I meet you . ( 121. ) One going a shooting in the hard weather , would have borrowed some money of his friend ; You have no need of money , said the other merrily , for if in anie place you have anie thing to pay , you may leave your gun to discharge the shot . ( 122. ) A wise Jndge , when a party had forged a Will , and many swore to it , that they were the last words that came out of the deceased persons mouth ; in so much that the true heir was almost cast ; But were they not put into his mouth ? said he , which word silenced all , and recovered the estate . ( 123. ) A proper young and handsom Gentleman fell in love with an old , rich , and miserable councellors only daughter , but despairing ever to get her fathers consent , because of the inequality of his estate compared with hers ; he made it his business first to make sure of her good will , and then he used this witty stratagem : He goes one day to her father , and clapping five Guineys into his hand , desired his best advice in the case he should acquaint him with , which was , That he loved a fair and young lady , had her consent , and nothing was wanting but the good will of her friends ; which nevertheless he feared he could never obtain , for such certain reasons , without some subtil stratagem : The old man , on whom the gold began to work , in hopes of an other such fee , puts him off till the next day , that he might the better consider of the matter . The young Gentleman therefore failed not to return at the time appointed , with the other five Guineys to hasten the matter , whereupon the old Councellor told him there was but one way , that was , He should get the lady privatly to be married to him ; and to that end he would give him a note to a certain priest of his acquaintance , that should joyn them in Matrimony with all speed and secrecy . Thus the young-man by his subtilty out-witted the old Councellor , got a note under his own hand to marry his daughter , and then brought his Wife to ask her fathers blessing : which stratagem so pleased the old man , that not respecting his sons low condition , he gave his Daughter a large Dowry . ( 124. ) A Minister marrying a couple of his friends , told them afterwards in merriment , that if after they disliked , they should come to him again , and he would un-marry them . So this country Couple go home , and are very merry for the first weak or two ; but at last , dissentions ariseing between them , they both came again to the priest to be divorced . Hereupon he fetcheth out a great hatchet , and asks who had the greatest desire to leave the other first ? For , says he , I have married you till death you do depart ; and therefore it is expedient that I kill one of you . ( 124. ) One haveing a horse that was very hardy , and had but little stomack , thought with himself he might easily by degrees bring him to live without hay or oats , and so substracted dayly somthing from his meat , till at last the horse died ; and when afterwards he was carrying him out in a cart to lay him in the fields for the crows , and his neighbours asked him how his horse came to die ? Why , I thought , said he , to have made him live on nothing ; and just as I brought him to it , he died . ( 125 ) A wise Barber haveing been to trim a Doctor at night , was offered a candle to light him down stairs ; which haveing taken , and light himself down , he brought up again , and returned thanks , and so went away in the dark . ( 126. ) A Welshman hearing another Malefactor that was try'd just before him , say , concerning a mare he had stoln , That he brought it up from a Colt ; when he came to be examined of a sword he had sharked , said , That truly , by St. David , 't was his own ; for he bred it up of a Dagger . ( 127. ) One seeing his son do untowardly , Why Sirrah , says he , did you ever see me do so , when I was a Boy ? ( 128. ) The Gardiners place of a Colledg being void , a certain person put in for it ; the Dean asked him if he understood Gardening ? No trulie , replied he , but I will hire one to do the work . Nay then , said he , you cannot expect to have the place ▪ and so sent him away . But as he was going through the Court , he calls after him , Now it comes in my mind , says he , there is a place void , which I think would do very well for you ; and that is the Greek Professor's . Alas Sir , said the man , I understand not that language . Oh but , replied the Dean , you may hire one to do the work for you . ( 129. ) I see you do all under colour , said the Glazier to the Painter , seeing him daubing some rails , Go your ways for a rogue , replied he , You 'll never leave picking quarrels . ( 130. ) A Fool that ow'd a Carpenter a shrewd good turn , finding him one day a sleep upon a form , took the ax and cut off his head ; then came into the house laughing : whereof when he was asked the reason , It is , said he , to think how the Carpenter will look for his head when he wakes . ( 131. ) A Maid accused a Youth for ravishing her before the Justice , This is a great crime , said he , indeed ; and did he never lie with you before ? If he did , then ... Yes , if it please you Sir , said she , at least six or seven times . ( 132. ) One said to his friend , Sir you are as wise as Solomon . The other replied , And you are as wise as Socrates . Why Socrates ? Because , said he , Sciebat tantum se nihil scire . ( 133. ) At a Feast , where many Citizens and their Wives were met , the chief of their discourse being about Cuckolds ; one asked the reason why the men wore the horns , when the women only were in fault ? That is , said another , because the man is the head , and where would you have the horns grow els . ( 134. ) One told his friend merrily he was bewitcht , for as much as his head was all in one lump . And you my friend , replied the other , I am afraid are mad ; for your heart is not on the right side . ( 135. ) A Clown bringing a letter to a Gentlemans house , delivered it in hast to a great Baboon that stood at the door in a scarlet laced coat ; the Baboon soon tears the letter to pieces . The Gentleman haveing heard of the business , when he met the Countreyman next , began to scold at him bitterly for not bringing him the letter . I will assure you , replied the peasant , I delivered it your Son at the door . My son , says the Gentleman , you fool , 't was a Baboon . Trulie , answered he , I thought it was your Son , he was so like you . ( 136. ) An English Merchant tradeing at Amsterdam , was to sell a thousand pounds worth of gloves to certain Jews , and had agreed upon the price : but the Jews recanting of the bargain , when they brought their money would have but half . Well , said the English Merchant , then you must give me a little time to sort them , and you shall have half ; so he commanded his men to put all the right-handed ones in one parcel , and the left in another : then when the Jews came , he bid them take their choice , which being made , and the money paid , they began to pack them up ; but percieveing at last they were all for one hand , they were forced to come and buy the rest at the Merchants rate . ( 137. ) 'T is reported of King James , that when a Gentleman made as though he took a louse off his arm , he gave him twenty pounds , saying it was a Gentleman's companion . Whereupon , to make the King merry , he said , That he would maintain a Louse to be the nimblest and the slowest of all Animals ; the strongest and the weakest ; the worst and the best . The nimblest , says he , because let me go never so fast , it never deserts me ; the slowest , because if I will pull it out of my head and lay it down , it can never overtake me ; the strongest , because if a house fall on me , yet 't is ten to one if the Louse be kill'd and knock'd in the head ; the weakest , because I can kill it with my thumb ; the worst companion , because it always preys upon me ; and the best , because it always accompanies me in my adversity . ( 138. ) Tom the Barber seeing his neighbour cut down a pear tree , desired him to let him have some of it ; Why what use would you put it to ? said he . I would , replied he , onlie make a few box combs . ( 139. ) A Clown coming to London , read on a Sign-post , Here are horses to be let 1677. Cuds life ▪ said he , if there are so manie horses in one Inn , how manie are there in all the Citie ? ( 140. ) A coveteous Gentleman , and one of no great wisdom , whom avarice had bereft of right understanding , hearing his Stewards say , he had killed him a Bullock against the holy-days ; What , said he , do you mean to undo me by such extravagant expences ; I will have but half an one kill'd at a time . ( 141 ) A witty , though unfortunate fellow , haveing try'd all trades , but thriveing by none , took the pot for his last refuge , and set up an Ale-house , with the sign of the Shirt ; writeing under it ▪ This is my last shift : which brought him much company and much profit . ( 142 ) A Gentleman reprehended a certain Lawyer for tarrying so long in the countrey from his wife , saying , That in his absence she might want due benevolence . Why Sir , replied the Lawyer , I shall give it her in full measure , when I return ; and put the case , any one owed you an hundred pounds , whether had you rather have it all together , or shilling by shilling ? That is very true indeed , replied the other , one would rather have ones money all together ; yet it would vex you if your wife in your absence should want a shilling . ( 143. ) One meeting Bonner , that had been once Bishop of London , said , Good morrow Bishop quondam ; whereupon he replied presently , Adieu Knave semper . ( 144. ) Hugh Peters preaching of Faith and Hope , after a long and tedious discourse , forgot Charity ; for he call'd out to a woman , that was talking with her neighbour , to leave bableing . Beshrew thy heart , said she , who babbles most thou or I ? ( 145. ) The same man haveing newly hopt from the Stall to the Pulpit , instead of the Priest offered up a pair of Doves for a Peace-offering , read , he offered up a pair of Gloves and a piece of Fringe . ( 146. ) Some boon companions being merry at a Tavern , every one began to commend one sort of wine or other ; one especially stood up for Sack that 't was a good cordial , and wouid make one fat ; Nay rather , says another , 't will make one lean . How so ? Upon a Staff. ( 147. ) A Gentleman meeting his friend , who had a very pretty Lacquey , ask'd him where he was ? Alas Sir , said he , death hath sent him on an errand . And what is becom of your Nag Sir , you came upon ? Why he is foundred . Why then , replied the other , he hath served you right , to make you go on foot , since you made him lame . ( 148. ) One who formerly dwelt in the city of London , said , That truly the city was a gallant place , but the air was very foggy , and agreed not with him ; and he did really think , that had he lived there till this time , that he had died seven years ago . ( 149. ) A Papist , as their usual manner is , asked a Protestant where his Religion was before Luther ? Why in the Bible , answered he , where yours never was . ( 150. ) A Scotchman presented King James with a Turnip of an extraordinary and prodigious size ; which is a root the Scotchmen love very much . The King pleased with the humor , gave him an hundred pounds , which another courtier seeing , If the King , thought he , reward a Turnip-giver so liberally , what will he do to him that offers a greater present ; and thereupon presents the King with a very excellent Race-horse , wherefore the King turning to his Nobles , said , What shall we give this man ? and when all were silent , By my soul men , said he , let us give him the Turnip . ( 151. ) When Metellus Nepos asked Cicero the Roman Orator , in a jeering way , who was his father ? he reply'd , Thy Mother hath made that question harder for thee to answer . ( 152. ) King James , of happy memory , considering one day the vanity of his Courtiers in applauding still all his actions , very seriously about noon looked up to heaven out of a window ; and demanded of those that were about him , Whether they saw not a star near such a cloud ? for , he said , he was confident he did . Whereupon every one looking up , began to deliver their opinions thus , one said , he saw it , and that 't was a little bright star ; another , that it twinkled very much , &c. every one with a several addition , concluded positively as he said : whereupon he said , How infortunate a man am I , to have so many fools to my Councellors ; no wiser men , than right and wrong to say as I say . ( 153. ) A witty fellow in London , took one day many Rams Horns in his basket , and went up and down the city crying , New fruit , New fruit , in the Winter . This made many people , and amongst the rest , a Lawyer , to call him ; saying , You fool , who do you think will buy your horns ? Oh Sir , replied he , though you are provided , yet I may meet with some that are not . ( 154. ) A Gentleman coming into London out of the Countrey , as he came by New Chappel , his horse threw him ; which a young Gentlewoman seeing , fell a laughing . The gentleman being angry that she jeered him , said , Pray wonder not at this , Madam , my horse always stumbles when he sees a whore . To which she answer'd merrily , Have a care then ▪ Sir , for if you ride into the city , you will break your neck . ( 155. ) Three Drunckards haveing been late a drinking , and knowing what a peal their wives would ring them when they came home , laid a wager among themselvs of ten pounds a man , that they would all obey what their wives first commanded them ; So coming to the first man's house , his wife had prepared a good staff for him , and as soon as he came home , fell upon him ; he stepping back , trode upon an earthen dish , and broke it . Ay you Rogue , said his wife , do , go , break all . So he up with his staff , and broke the windows , and all the pots , till at last she beat him out of doors . Then they went to the second 's house , his wife was of the same temper , and fell upon him , that striveing for hast to get away , he let a fart : Ay , go shit , you drunken Rogue , said his wife , go . So he down with his breeches and shit in the room . Then they went to the third's house , where the Good-man being pretty well in drink , he stumbled over the threshold : Ay , you drunken rogue , said his wife , go , break your neck , do . A pox on you for a whore , said he , you have made me lose my wager . ( 156. ) A certain old man , a poor labourer of the countrey , seeing the Archbishop of Cologn to ride thro the fields , armed , and accompanied with armed forces , fell out in a loud laughing : Whereupon being demanded why he laughed , he answer'd , Because he wondred that St. Peter , Christ's Vicar in the Church , being exceeding poor , had left his successor so rich and wealthy ; and that his train should be more furnished with men at arms than with Church-men . The Arch-bishop desired that the fellow should have better knowledg of him in his place and dignity ; and told him that he was not only an Archbishop but a Duke also ; and that as a Duke he rode so accompanied with a train of men at arms : but when he was in his church , then he was attended on as an Archbishop . Sir , said the labourer , I pray tell me , when my Lord Duke shall be with the Devil , what will become of the Archbishop ? ( 157. ) In the city of Constantinople a certain Christian desired to borrow of a Jew the sum of five hundred Duckets . The Jew lent them unto him , with condition , that for the use of the money , he should at the end of the term give him two ounces of his flesh , cut off in some one of his members . The day of payment being come , the Christian repayed the five hundred Duckets to the Jew , but refused to give him any part of his flesh . The Jew not willing to lose his interest , convented the Christian before Sultan Soliman , Emperour of the Turks , who haveing heard the wicked demand of the one , and the answer of the other , commanded a razor to be brought and to be given to the Jew , to whom he said , Because thou shalt know that Justice is don thee , take there the razor and cut from the flesh of the Christian two ounces , which thou demandest ; but take heed thou cut neither more nor less ; for if thou dost , thou shalt surely die . The Jew holding that to be a thing impossible , durst not adventure , but acquitted the Christian his interest . ( 158. ) The Duke of Millain being besieged in a Castle by the Florentines ; one day as he sat at dinner , he could not away , but fell in mislike with the tast of the victuals that were set before him ; insomuch that he chid his Cook , and was very angry with him . But the witty cook willing to justifie himself from blame , said unto the Duke , My Lord , your meat is well enough dressed , but the Florentines have put your mouth out of tast . ( 159. ) A Scottish Minister being Chaplain to an English Regiment of foot , in the time of the Rump-Parliament at St. Edmonds Bury in Suffolk ; as he was preaching to them , said , Good Lord bless the grand Council above ( viz. the Parliament ) and grant they may aw hang together : which a country fellow that stood underneath hearing , said , Yes Sir with all my heart , and the sooner the better ; and I am sure 't is the prayers of all good people . But good friends , says the Parson , I do not mean as that naughty man means ; but I pray that they may all hang to gether in accord and concord : Yes , says the fellow again , In any cord so it be a strong cord : And when he had so said , he slipt away from the company ; at last being searcht for by the chief officer there , they could not find him : How , says he , is he slipt away ; if he had not he should have had the slip bestowed upon him , for his unreverend language to the Parliament . ( 160. ) A Cobler was sitting in his shop a singing merrily , his song was this ; Tamberlain was and he was , and Tamberlain was and he was ; and continued so singing , and nothing els , many times together ; which a Gentleman that past by took notice of , and said to the Cobler , Prithee friend , says the Gentleman , what was he ? why , says the Cobler , as arrant a fool as your self , for ought I know : Sirrah , says the Gentleman , you are a rascal , come out and I 'll kick you ; no Sir , says he , 't is no matter , I thank you for your love as much as if I had it , for I don't want kicking : Sirrah , says the Gentleman again , Come out and I 'll give you a kick ; No Sir , says he , you need not trouble your self , I won't come if you 'd give me two . ( 161. ) A Gentleman was rideing through a forrest in Oxford Shire , where two supposed cripples begg'd something of him ; he put his hand in his pocket , and bid them give him a groat and he would give them six pence , which they did ▪ and when he had the groat , he rode away with it ; with that one of them swore a great oath , saying , Cut thy girth Tom , cut thy girth , you rogue , and let us after him ; And though he gollopt a good pace away , yet they were so nimble ( and so by consequence Cripples ) that they overtook him as he was opening a gate , and had almost laid hold on him ; that the Gentleman , for his security was forc'd to throw two or three Shillings down on the ground , and whilst they were scrambling for that he got away . ( 162. ) Of a Fellow that had never a nose , a roguish Begger begg'd an alms , and still as he begg'd , he prayed for his eye-sight ; he ask'd him what he meant by that , he told him that he hoped his eye-sight would never fail ; For if it does , says he , you are in a most miserable condition ; for there is no place to ffx a pair of spectacles on . ( 163. ) An Apothecary in Oxford spoke to a Countreyman , by way of jeer , to bring him some live rats , and he would give him eighteen pence a piece for them : and a fortnight after he brought them , and then the Apothecary told him that he was provided the day before : the country fellow seeing he was abused , was resolved to be quit with him : saying , I am unwilling ( seeing I have brought them ) to carry them back again , and told him he would take three pence out in physick at some time or other ; and so opened his bag and let them about the shop ; which did so wh●sk up and down the Shelvs , that in a little space he broke him about 40 pots and glasses , and could never be rid of them since . Probatum est . ( 164. ) A French man was scoffing at the English mens humors , because they did so admire their nation ; Faith friends , says the English man , you are mistaken , for we in England so esteem you , as you in France do our hounds , for pleasure . ( 165. ) A Fanatick did lately extreamly exclaim against the Surplice in the church , but a little after he was catch'd a-bed with one of his holy Sisters ; and in the same place where he would not have a Surplice worn , he poor heart was forc'd there to wear a Sheet . ( 166. ) Count Gundamore , being Embassador for the King of Spain in England , and being jesting with King James and speaking in latine , did many times speak false latine : What , says the King , how comes it that you break Priscians head so often , being Embassador to so great a King , as you say your Master is ? O Sir , says he , your Majestie must know that I speak Latine like a King ; but your Majestie speaks Latine like an Embassador . ( 167. ) The State of Genoa sent an Embassador to the Duke of Millan , who was then the Protector to Genoa ; who could not by all the means he could make get audience : who finding he was delayed , and abused , upon St. John Baptists day , who was the Protector of Millan , he presented the Duke with a golden vessel full of Basilisque ; being ask'd the reason , he said , The Genevois have the propertie of the herb Basilisque , which if handled gentlie would yield a sweet smell ; but if rubb'd too hard , or trod upon , it will engender Serpents . Which witty passage made the Duke give him audience , and did his business what he came for . ( 168. ) A Woman that had a good handsom young daughter , sent her to her Land-lord at New-years-tide with a New-years-gift , and he being a lusty Batchellor , and lov'd a pretty Lady besides , seeing the Maid to be handsome , with some importunity and some gratuity , got her consent , that she prov'd with-child ; for whose maintenance and Mothers too , he paid for : and then hearing of a lusty young woman and rich , that lived hard by him , he became a Suiter to her in marriage ; to which she easily condescended : and on that day that they were to be married , the other that he had got with-child before , came to the church also to see the wedding with her child in her arms ; and all the while they were in the church , that woman would dandle her child up and down in her arms , and somtimes look upon her Landlord and somtimes on her child , with a smileing countenance ; which that woman that was that day to be married to him observing , told him plainly , that she would not be married till he gave her satisfaction concerning that woman and her child : he put her off still with excuses , but at last he told her he would tell her the truth if she would not take it ill : No , says she , I will not , let it be what it will. Why then , says he , I got her with-child , and that is the child in her arms : Puh , says she , is that all , I had one a twelve month ago by a Londoner that lodg'd at our house : Say you so , says he , then I faith I 'll marrie a Whore of my makeing rather than of another mans ; and so call'd the Woman to him that had the child in her arms , and married her presently . ( 169. ) A rich Knight in the countrey , that was coveteous withal , had a daughter whose name was Grace , that was very handsome , and indeed of good humor , witty , and well-bred , which a young man had a kindness for ; but haveing no fortune , durst not presume further than joking : and haveing heard the Knight say , that he would make his Daughter worth 2000 pounds , he in a frollick comes to him , and knowing him to be very coveteous , told him that he knew how to save him 500 pounds , in a business ; and this young man was a lawyers Clerk , and therefore he thought he might discover something about the law wherein he might stand him in some stead , and so bid him very welcome , and invited him to dinner ; and after dinner bid his wife give him some sweet-meats , and the wet went into his mouth , but the dry made a sally into his pocket ; and after haveing fill'd both belly , pockets , and mind with good meat , sweat-meats , and good welcome , the Knight told his wife what a good friend he was to him , and how he knew that he could save him 500 pounds in a business , which made his wife the more earnest to know it ; and being all three sate down in the couch together , and Mrs. Grace in another chair by , the Knight ask'd him wherein he could do him that courtesie as he spoke of ? Why thus I can do it Sir , says he , I am certainly informed that you will give in marriage with your daughter Grace 2000 pounds , and I am willing to take her with 1500 pounds . The Knight hearing what he said , began to curse and swear , then the Gentleman thankt him for his sweet-meats ; no , says he , thank my wife for them : but after that , for the conceits sake , Mrs. Grace had a great kindness for him ; for fear of which they instantly clapt up a match for her ; but 't is confidently said that the lawyers clerk ( who indeed was a gentleman ) made her frequent visits , and with allowance , of the female , but whether of the new married male , I know not . ( 170. ) A Lady in this Kingdom hearing that a Lady that was a person of quality , did much long for Oysters , she then sent a footman of hers , that was an Irish man , to the said Lady with a barrel of oysters ; and as he was going , he met an arch wag by the way , who ask'd him whither he was going ? then he told him : O Donnel , says he , you must gut them before you go , or els , they will poyson the Ladie : I predde , says he , show me how to do it ? so the fellow took them and opened them , and took out all the oysters and put them into a wooden dish that was by , and then put all the shells again into the barrel : Now , says he , you may carry them , for they are all gutted : E faith , said Donnel , for this kindness I 'll give thee a pint of wine out of the vails that I shall have of my lady : but I know not how they were accepted . ( 171. ) Two Widdows that were devillish scolds and very litigious , had spent great store of money in law about a frivolous thing : a friend comes to one of them , and told her that her enemy had removed her suit into the chancery : Well , says that virago , let her remove it to hell , I am sure I shall have a lawyer to follow it ; for I am sure some of 'em has followed me to hell for a dinner . ( 172. ) One was telling his friend that he would repent one day for wearing his hair so long , unless he had a mind to be a friar ; for those which do wear long hair , are in the readiest way to enjoy bald crowns , without the help of a barber ; and also would say , You lov'd hunting , for there went the hair away . ( 173. ) A Gentleman hearing that a fellow had called him knave , by chance met him , and ask'd him , Whether he thought he was a knave or not ? Says the fellow , If I should say no , I should be very unmannerly with your Worship . Why unmannerly ? says the Gentleman . Truly , says the fellow , because I am very unwilling to give a Gentleman of your quality the lie . ( 174. ) A modest Gentlewoman being compelled by her Mother to accuse her husband of defect ; and being in the court , she humbly desired of the Judg , That she might write her mind , and not to speak it , for modesties sake : The Judg gave her that liberty , and a clerk was presently commanded to give her pen , ink and paper ; whereupon she took the pen without dipping of it into the ink , and made as if she would write ; says the clerk to her , Madam , There 's no ink in your pen. Truly Sir , says she , that 's just my case , and therefore I need not to explain my self anie further . ( 175. ) A man came to be confest by a gray friar , and among the rest of his iniquities , did confess that he had lain with a pretty young woman . In what place ? says the friar : In a goodly chamber , says he . Where there ? says the friar : in a soft bed , says he . How long ? says the friar : Why all night long , says he ; and each of us had brought in the morning an excellent caudle , wherein was Ambergreece : By St. Francis , says the friar , thou wast well at ease . ( 176. ) A Gentleman that used to be smart in his reparties , once had in his hat a very gallant and rich knot , or favour of gold and silver ribbon ; which some young ladies had a mind to , if they could get it handsomly without begging of it ; and so one of them said to him : Sir , you have a very fine favour in your hat ; and so they said all . Pray Madam , says he to the first , tell me truly do you like it : Yes indeed Sir , says she . Why then , says he , if you had not lik'd it I would have flung it into the fire , but since you say you do like it ; I protest I like it the better , and am resolved to keep it for your sakes . ( 177. ) A Gentleman that had a great wit , and well belov'd among the great ones , and therefore invited often among them ; but it seems had a verie sore leg : he being at a Noble mans table , greedilie catch'd at a goblet of wine . Says my lord to him , Prithee Jack drink it not , for 't will hurt thy leg . O my Lord , says he , take no care for my leg , for I have care enough of that , for I alwaies drink o' th' t'other side . ( 178. ) A drunken fellow in the streets met with an ancient acquaintance of his , and desired him to lend him an angel , and I don't doubt but I shall pay you within a month again ; he ask'd him how ? he told him he had a great swelling in his neck , and he hoped it was the Kings-Evil , which if it were , then the King would give him an angel , with which he would pay him . ( 179. ) An English man that had a brave horse that did shew most excellent tricks , almost to the amazement of everie bodie ; and being shewing the tricks of his horse at Paris in France ; they seem'd so strange to the French , that they told him in plain terms 't was not done without the help of the Devil ; and the Monks and Friars caused him to be apprehended for a Conjurer then he desired he might send for his hor●e and he would convince them of their error : The horse being come , he bid one of the Friars hold a crucifix to him ; which was no sooner done , but the horse kneeled down before it , which made them marvel and say , The beast was inspired ; and not onlie releast him , but feasted him and his horse , and gave him a gratuitie and great commendations besides . And might not he then say , God-a-mercie Horse . ( 180. ) An Old man being to swear in a cause before a Judge , the Judge bid him beware that he did not forswear himself ; and told him if he did , he might be confident the devil would have him . Truly , my Lord , says he , I hope the devil will have nothing to do with me , for I have given him my eldest son already ; and I hope he will content himself with him , for I think one out of a family is enough for him ; then the Judg bid him explain himself more clearly : Why truly my Lord , I have made my eldest son a Lawyer , for I believe that all of that profession goes to the devil : for the Devil himself you know it is said has been a Lawyer from the beginning : A Lier you mean , says the Judg : Why , says he , a Lawyer and a Lier is all one I hope , or els we are all mistaken in our opinions . ( 181. ) A lusty Widdow about forty five years old , yet it seems had a mind to another husband ; and she liv'd about four miles from High-wickam , a market town in Buckingham-shire , and haveing one market sent her maid to the market at Wickham , about some business ; the maid it seems staid longer than ordinary abroad , and when she came home , her Mistriss ask'd her what was the cause of staying so long at market ? I profess I 'll bang your coat for it : Pray Mrs. Forsooth , says she , hear me but speak first and I don't doubt but to give you satisfaction : Come you Jade , speak quickly then Why Forsooth , says she , there was the finest Proclamation that ever I heard in my life : What Proclamation you Quean , speak quickly ; Why forsooth , 'T was that everie woman that had a little mouth , should have two husbands : With that the Widdow being very much pleased with the news , began to purse and draw up her sweet mouth : And saying , O , 't was a prettie Proclamation , a brave Proclamation , an excellent Proclamation : I but Forsooth , says she , I 'll tell you more news than all this : There was another Proclamation ; What was that ? says the Widdow , Why forsooth , those that have a wide mouth shall have three husbauds . With that she began to widen her lovely mouth : saying , Whaw , whaw , whaw , what a brave Proclamation is that indeed . And so every day after inlarged her mouth by degrees , that her neighbours might take notice of it ; and so gave in her name to the next Justice accordingly . ( 182. ) A Knights son in the west , who was indeed his Fathers only child , and so gave him a little more liberty than ordinary , and he was rather a lover of the State of Venus — than Genoa , and did often haunt the young girles thereabouts ; but especially one above the rest , which was a very pretty maid , and about eighteen years of age , and a Farmers Daughter , who was his fathers Tennant ; which gave him the more liberty to have free egress and regress thither ; and haveing importun'd the Maid very much , yet she would never grant : at last he promis'd her marriage , upon which he had his desire , and the maid was with-child : but his father and mother fearing he might make up a match there , by his going so often thither , sent to another Knight that liv'd four miles off , to treat between their daughter and his son , which was a pretty woman also ; which they suddenly consented to , and the marriage day appointed ; and on the marriage day , when he was rideing with his man thither , the farmer and his daughter way-laid him under an hedg , and ask'd him what recompence he should have for the wrong he had don his daughter ? Well , says he , there 's fifty pound for you in gold , and I now will give you a bond for fifty pound more to be paid in six months , so you will be contented . So under the hedg the bond was makeing , and the people at the Bride-house wondring at his so long stay , sent a man to inquire after him , and when he came , he found him a uniting under the hedg with the farmer and his daughter ; and when he had don , he went his way to the Bride-house as fast as he could gallop : and the farmer and his daughter seeing they could not help themselves , put up their pipes and went home ; at last they were married , had din'd and supt , and when they were in bed together ; he began to kiss her : Pray , says she , let me ask you a question , first , what made you under the hedg with the farmer and his daughter so long ? Why , says he , it does not concern you at all . Well , says she , I will know , or els you and I shall be at a distance . Why , says he , if you won't be angry I 'll tell you : Well I will not , says she , let it be what it will : Why then , says he , I got the farmers daughter with-child , and she was such a fool to tell her father of it : By my troth , says she , she was a fool indeed ; for my fathers man got me with-child above a twelve month ago , and you are the first that ever I told of it ; Tarbox for that beloved . ( 183. ) Two Gentlemen it seems one night quarrelled at gameing , and over-night one sent the other a challenge to meet him by six a clock to morrow morning at such a place , upon his honour : Hang honour , says he , for we both are but worshipfull ▪ and withall tell him 't is not my custom ( and I also know 't is not his ) to rise before eleven or twelve a clock , and bid him consider with him self whether we should break our rest to break our limbs ? The other sent him word , that if he did not meet him , he 'd post him . Well , says he , tell him if he does , I 'll ride post out of town , and there stay till his furie is over . So we see that some are in post-hast to fight , and some in post-hast to ride away . ( 184. ) A man when he is married turns his walking staff into a fixt stake , for then his condition is not ambulatory but setled and fixt ; that is ( as I humbly concieve ) if he be fixt to a good woman , if not ; then all the months in the year may be March to him ; that is may be blustring , which will certainly put him into a marching condition again . ( 185. ) An impudent drunken fellow came to an hones ; t sober man and did abuse him at so large a rate , that he began to be concerned for it : Puh , says another , 't is no matter what a Drunkard says in his drink ; for he seldom speaks anie thing he can stand to : Why then , says the t'other very soberly , if he cannot stand to it , then he lies . ( 186. ) When King Charles the first was Prince , when he first landed at his coming from Spain , it rain'd and thundred four or five hours together : Says a Recusant to a Protestant , You see how the heavens are disturb'd and displeas'd that the Prince should come so soon from that blessed Catholick country : O Sir , says t'other , there 's your misinterpretation of it , and so by consequence mistake ; for the heavens for very joy that the Prince is come from that Heretical country , shoots its ordinance together , and likewise the earth hath pledg'd the Kings health for four or five hours together : what think you now Sir ? ( 187. ) A man in a bitter cold winter night , was passing through the street , and seeing all a bed , and no candle in any window neither ; then he bethought himself of this project ; for he then went up and down crying fire , fire , which made several come to the windows : They ask'd him where ? where ? He told them that he did not know , for if he did , he would go to 't to warm himself : For , says he , I am devillish cold . ( 188 ) A merry wagg at Wolvercot near Oxford , met a Countreyman going thither with a goose to sell ; but he had agreed with a comrade of his to say 't was an owl : so he ask'd him how he sold his owl ? he said 't was a goose , and t'other an owl : So they argued a good while together , at last says the wagg , we 'l be tried by the next man we meet : Content , says the countreyman ; and if he says 't is an owl , I 'll lose it ; but if he says 't is a goose , then you shall give me half a crown for the goose , and I 'll keep it too . Content , says the wagg ▪ So going on , they met as by accident , his afore said comrade ; and after some debate , he plainly said it was an owl ; and so they got the goose . So the Countreyman as he went alone , began at last to think he was cheated ; and was ●esolved to study for a revenge : and about a week after he comes to Oxford again , and brought a pot of supposed honey with him to sell : so the wagg spying him in the market , ask'd him how he sold his honey ? He said 't was Sir-reverence . T'other said 't was honey , but the man said 't was Tu ... and so they argued a great while ; at last he bought it of him , saying , Let it be what it will , I 'll buy it : and when he came home to open it , he found it was true what the man said ; only the top for an inch deep cover'd with honey : and when he had got his money , thought he to himself now I am quit with you ▪ for the case is All turd now . ( 189. ) An antient harmless Gentleman ( and therefore harmless , because he was toothless ) being at breakfast with some others , among which was a young , brisk and smart Lady that sate next to him ; and among other dishes of meat , there was a lusty coller of brawn , and the old man haveing a piece of it on his trencher , which you know is a slippery meat , and he putting a piece of it into his chops , it quickly slipt out again upon the ladies trencher afore-said ; She presently fell a laughing , and gave him a pin to fasten his mouth , that no more should come out in that manner ; and with laughing so heartily at the conceit , made an escape behind ; which the old man hearing , presently gave her the pin back again : telling her that place was the most fit to be fastned . ( 190. ) A wild Fellow in the Rumps time being brought before a renowned Justice , in the morning before his worship had drank his morning draught , and to that end there stood a silver Beaker of ale , nutmeg , and sugar ready ; and after his examination , says the Justice to him , Is this true what they say against you ? ( the fellow being a t'other side the table ) True Sir , says he ; and with that whipt into his hand the silver beaker afore-said , and said , if it be true , I wish this Beaker may never go through me ; and so drank it up : Now Sir , says he , I hope you will not believe them , but me hereafter . ( 191. ) A Countrey woman that liv'd at Headington , near Oxford , and upon a Sunday , she being not well , bid her maid go to church that afternoon ; and after Sermon was don , her dame ask'd her what was the Text ? She said , Truly forsooth Dame the Text was said before I came . Well , says she , what said he in the middle of his Sermon ? Truly , says she , I was asleep then . Well what did he say at the latter end then ? Indeed forsooth , says she , I went away before 't was don . Well , howsoever I will have you tell me somthing of it . What , says she , d' ye think I am a blab of my tongue ? No I warrant you , I was better bred than so . ( 192. ) A man it seems that had to his wife as good a woman as any was in England , but for whoreing , lying , swearing , nastiness , and other such small infirmities : which made him define a woman rightly as he thought : Says he , Women are born in Wiltshire , brought up in Cumberland , lead their lives in Bedfordshire ( that is be in Cloth-fair near Smithfield , till twelve a clock every day ) then bring their Husbands to Buckinghamshire , and die in Shrewsburie . ( 193. ) A Gallant had marcht in a bitter cold night up and down several streets to get him a lodging , but no body would open to him ; some perhaps not knowing him , and some perchance too well ; at last he bethought himself of getting a lodging a new kind of way , and so went to the watch at Temple Bar , and there call'd 'em all rogues and other vile names , for which they had him to the Counter ; the next morning he was brought before the Alderman of the Ward , and he said to him , Me thinks you look something like a Gentleman , pray what was your reason to abuse the Constable and his Watch thus without cause ? Truly Sir , says he , I will tell you the truth ; I had gone from street to street that bitter night to get some lodging , but could find none : at last I thank 'em they brought me to the Counter , where I had a good fire , good drink , and a good bed ; for which courtesie I do here give them a Crown : and this I 'll assure you Sir was the cause and nothing else ; and so he had his release . ( 194. ) An ingenious young man that was set to a Borrding School to learn latine and to write , and after he had been there more than two years , his father sent him a letter that he should write to him , that he might see how he had profited both in his learning and his writeing ; and so very Scholastically directs his letter to his father thus , To my most obedient Father , which is my Mothers Husband , at the house where they live : Says a man to him , They won't find the house by this direction : Puh , says he , no body but knows my fathers house , for if I were in the Town I could find it my self , and yet I have not been there this two years : and at the end he subscribed thus , I cease ever to be your dutifull Son : and so forth . ( 195. ) Two Oxonians were in a very great dispute there concerning the Man in the Moon , whether a Gentleman or a Citizen ? and after a great deal of Pro's and Con's between them , one of them solv'd it thus , that when the Moon was at full , then there was a Gentleman in her , but when she appeared with two horns , then he might be confident there was a Citizen in her ; and that they were lunatick that did not believe it : the Spanish Count de Luna being at that time come to take a view of Oxford , and to confirm it . ( 196. ) A Frenchman , as I hear , coming late by Ludgate one night ; says one of the Watch to him , Stand and come before the Constable . Begar , says he , that is very pretty ; I cannot stand and come before the Constable too . Stand , I say , says another , and come before the Constable . At which the Frenchman laught heartily , saying , Begar des men be all ingenious , stand and come before the Constable ; at last the Constable appears , Sir , says he , whither are you going ? Begar dat's very pretty too . Mr. Constable I love you very much , great deal well , cause you be so like my wife ; for when I go out a door , she says ▪ Husband whether are you going ? just like you Mr. Constable . Sir , says he , whither are you going now ? Begar Mr. Constable me be going dere where you dare not go . Where 's that ? says the Constable . Why begar , says he , to bed to my own wife . Mark you dat Mr. Constable : and still laught on , that the Constable to be rid , as he thought , of such impertinency , let him go . ( 197. ) King James being in his progress at Woodstock in Oxfordshire , the King finding it to rain so one morning that he could not ride a hunting ; had got some of the Nobility and Gentry together , resolving to be merry : And one humour was , that the King haveing that morning a fine curvetting Horse given him , which kind of horse he never lik'd in his life ; told them that he that could tell the greatest lie should have that Horse : So one told one lie , and another another ; and several had told others , that there was great laughing ; and just in the midst of this mirth in comes a countrey fellow complaining to the King that some of his servants had wrong'd him : Well , well , says the King , we 'll hear you of that anon : Come , come hither amongst us , and you must know that he that can tell the greatest lie shall have that Horse : Truly Sir , says he , and 't please your Grace I never told a lie in all my life : With that says the King , Give him the Horse , give him the Horse ; for I am sure that is the greatest lie that has been told to day . ( 198. ) A Man that had been a four years voyage at Sea , and when he came home , his dear and vertuous wife coming to meet and welcome him home , brought a little boy in her arms of a twelve month old ; which he percieveing , Umph , says he : And umph , says she , again , you might have come home sooner then : Why , says he , I came home as soon as my conveniency would give me leave : Well , says he , whose child is this ? Why mine , says she , and that that is mine is yours , for I can lawfully call nothing my own but my Ring , Fillet and Hair-lace , and therefore the child is yours : How will you prove it , says he ? Why thus , says she , here hold it in your Arms ; and as he took it , Now , says she , I freely give it you : Nay now , says he , I am satisfied , and know 't is mine ; therefore prithee get it a good Nurse : for I 'll have none of my children that comes so easily to be nurst at home . ( 199 ) A Fanatick Doctor in the time of the Rump-Parliament , that formerly had written a Book , That Sunday was no Sabbath ; and he meeting with another in the Fields that knew the Doctor , but the Doctor not him : so the Doctor and he being alone , took him to be an illiterated fellow , and there began to catichize him , and ask'd him a many questions ; and one among the rest was , How many Commandments there were ? He studied a little while , at last he told him there was eight commandments : Yes , says the Doctor , I thought how well you were principled : Well , says he , which are the eight ? So he named all but the Second and the Fourth : Then he ask'd him his reason for leaving the other two out : He told him he left none out of himself , but the Papists had left out the Second ▪ and there 's a Doctor , I know not what the pox you call his name has left out the other ( and we are to believe all wise men ) who says , The Sunday is no Sabbath : and so whipt away from him . The Doctor then call'd him again : No , says he , you that will steal away one of our Commandements , may rob me for ought I know . ( 200. ) A pretty Maid haveing her Valentine pinn'd on her sleeve , a Gentleman said , Sweet-heart , is your wastcoat to be let ? Yes , says she , 't is to be let alone . Well , says he , I am content to let your wastcoat alone , but not your Petticoat , if you please . ( 201. ) A Merchant ask'd a Sailer , why he would marry , seeing long absence would make his Wife Cornute him ? O , says he , Sir , that 's don while you do but walk to the Exchange . ( 202. ) One being burnt by a whore , came to ask a benevolence ; and gave a good reason for it , saying , He had lost all he had by fire . ( 203. ) One told a little man that he was a Pigmy , a pityfull little fellow : Truly , says he , I confess I am but little , for I had but one father , it may be you had more . ( 204 ) A scoffing Lady told a simple Gentleman , that his wit was pretty : Why so ? says he : Because , says she , all that is little is prettie . ( 205. ) In a Plague-time one night , a Constable heard a woman beating of her Husband : he presently put a red Cross on the door , saying , There could not be a greater plague than that . ( 206. ) The Italian Proverb is , Three Women make a Market with their chatting : Zounds , says a fellow , if my wife had been there , it had been a fair . ( 207. ) The Franciscan-Friars are to cary no money about them , and a Dominican desired the Franciscan to carry him over the water on his back ; and being on 's back in the water , he ask'd him whether he had any money about him : Yes , says the other , But our Order allows us to carry no money about us : and so let him down in the water . ( 208. ) Nells Husband complained , that his wife brought him nothing : You lie like a rogue , says she ; for I bring you boys without your help . ( 209. ) Says one , why is thy beard so brown , and thy head so white ? ' cause says he , my head is twentie years older than my beard . ( 210. ) The Judge willing to save a man that stole a Watch , it was valued but a twelve-pence ; but he that lost it said , the fashion of it cost him five pound . O , says the Judge , we must not hang a man for fashion sake . ( 211. ) A Goldsmith and another conspired to steal a Silver-bowl ; and that it not might be known , 't was guilded : and though the other stole it , yet the guilt of the fact lay on the Goldsmith . ( 212. ) One sent his man for a Lawyers advice without a Fee ; but he slighted him : His master went and gave him his Fee ; O now , says the Lawyer , I understand you . Then he chid his man for not telling the matter right : O Sir , says he , I had not my Instructions in my pocket . ( 213. ) A Fool got a Bow and Arrow ; and went thro the town , and swore he 'd kill all the Cuckolds ; says a woman to her husband , D' ye hear what the Fool says ? pray get out o' th' way : Why wife , says he , am I a Cuckold ? I but Husband I am afraid lest the arrow should glance . ( 214. ) One hir'd a Waterman to land him at Temple-stairs , the Waterman landed him in the mud , for which the Gentleman would not pay him , saying , You should have landed me at Temple-stairs , but this is Puddle-Wharf . ( 215. ) One that had sore eyes , was jeer'd by another that was clear ey'd ; who told him , they were not so sore , but he could see a knave : It may be so , says he , but you must look in a Lookinglass then . ( 216. ) A Gentleman said he had travel'd far : a Lady told him she had been farther : Why Madam , says he , if it be so , you and I may lie together by Authoritie . ( 217. ) An Englishman and a Frenchman being at dinner together , but understood not one another , the Frenchman said , Mange profaice Monsieur ; the other mistakeing him swore it was not in his face , but in his wrists and hams , meaning the Itch. ( 218. ) A Woman told her Husband he was a Witch : But he went to a cunning man to know the truth ; who told him he was no Witch ; but he was a Cuckold : so he comes home rejoycing to his Wife , and told her that he said , he was not a Witch , but a Cuckold : Says she , I am sure if thou art not a Witch he is one . ( 219. ) One haveing a very great nose , and thin beard , was told the shadow of his nose did hinder his beards growth . ( 220. ) A Jealous man pictur'd a Lamb on his Wives belly , for he was going to Sea ; and staying out a long time , she began to have an itching desire ; and her friend coming to her , spied the Lamb pictur'd : then he pictur'd a pair of horns on the head on 't : And when her husband came home he wondred at the horns . Why what is it Husband ? says she : Why horns , says he ; O lack , Husband , says she , it is two years since you went , and by that time all Lambs have horns . ( 221. ) One going to hanging , heard a woman say , she had beg'd him , so he would marry her : He seeing her long nose and shrill tongue , said , Car-man drive on , I 'll first be hang'd before I 'll marrie her : and was so . ( 222. ) One stealing a cup out of a Tavern , was laid hold on ; a Gentleman sent his man to know what the matter was : He came and told him , only a Fellow had got a Cup too much . Pish , says he , that 's my fault and manie an honest mans also . ( 223. ) Two rideing down a great hill together , one said , it was dangerous rideing down : No , says t'other , I will not light ; for I have but one pair of shooes , and I shall spoil 'em : says the other , and I have but one neck , and I fear I shall spoil that , and therefore I 'll light . ( 224. ) A Welchman and his Master being at a play , a Rogue cut his Masters purse ; then he cut off the Rogues ear : he ask'd why he did so : He said , Give hur Master hur Purse , and hur shall have hur Ear again . ( 225. ) A Miller had wooed abundance of Girles , and did lie with them ; upon which he refused to marry them : But one Girl he did sollicitate her much , but all would not do ; then he married her , and told her on the marriage-night , if she would have let him don as the rest did , he would never have had her : by my troth I thought so , says she , for I was served so by half a dozen before . ( 226. ) Says a Lord , my friend , I should know thee : Yes , says he , I am one of my Lordships Tenants , my name is J. G. O , says he , I remember there were two Brothers of you and one is dead , which is that that is alive ? It is I my Lord , says he . ( 227. ) Says a Judge , Sirrah you are a Rogue ; Not so verie a Rogue as your Worship ( and then he spit ) takes me to be . ( 228. ) Sirrah , says another Justice , you are an arrant Knave : Says he , Just as your worship spoke , the clock struck two . ( 229. ) A Player was rideing up Fleetstreet a great pace ; one ask'd him what play was plaid to day : says he , You may see that upon every post : why , says he , I took you for a post , you rid so fast . ( 230. ) One being very jealous , came suddenly home , and found one busie with his wife : says he , friend I thank thee , I have fear'd this a long time , but now I find it true ; it hath eased me of a great deal of trouble : I 'll be jealous no more . ( 231. ) A Gentleman losing his way , galloping furiously over the plow'd lands : towards Tame , and meeting one , said , friend is this the way to Tame ? Yes Sir , says he ; your Horse , if he be as wild as the Devil . ( 232 ) A decay'd Gentleman in a thread-bare Cloak , was told his cloak was verie watchfull , for it had not a good nap this seven years : Trulie , says he , you want a nap as well as my cloak ; for you talk idelie for want of sleep . ( 233. ) A Good Preacher , when most of his Auditorie was a sleep , heard a child cry : Good Nurse , says he , still the child , or els it will wake some of the best in the parish . ( 234. ) A Miser haveing a sheep stolen from him by a poor man , would needs send him to prison , saying there was not so damn'd a rogue in the world : pray Sir , said he , remember your self , and be good to me . ( 235. ) The Watch passing by , one threw a pispot out at a window , which lighted on their heads : They being verie angry , he ask'd them who they were ? they said the Watch ; Why then , Harm watch , harm catch . ( 236. ) A Gentlewoman came to a rich Userer , and at her going away , he offered her a cup of old Canary in a glass a little bigger than a thimble ; who to save charges , only kist it to her , and said , it was Canary of six year old : I wonder , says she , it should be so old , being so verie little . ( 237. ) A Schollar and a Courtier meeting together , the Schollar being next the wall , the Courtier josled him : What is the matter ? said he : I do not use to give everie fool the wall : But I do , says the Schollar , and so let him have it . ( 238. ) Some met together , One said , now Mr. Sampson is come , we fear no Bailiff nor Serjeant ; nay , if a thousand Philistines were here , he is able to brain them all : Yes , says he , so you will lend me one of your Jaw-bones . ( 239. ) A Landlord inviteing his tenants to dinner , bid them fall on ; for there was beef of twentie pound an ox : A poor man hearing that , fell to a Capon before him , for which he was reproved : why , says he , I am but a poor man , I dare not venture on Beef of twentie pound an Ox , but on a Capon of half a crown , well ; yet he was bid eat beef ; he said no , he would praise God in Capon if his worship pleased . ( 240. ) A Gentlewoman of mean fortune marries a handsom Knight of a good estate , yet she must have a Sweet-heart , and being in privat with him , told him how greatlie she lov'd him . But her Husband overhearing her , said , Sir , believe her not , for she hath told me so this seven years , which made him run faster down than he came up . ( 241. ) Sir Thomas More had manie Daughters , but no Son ; so that his wife did often wish for a Boy , which at last she had , which was verie simple : Ah Wife , says he , thou hast often wisht for a Boy , and now thou hast one , and he will never be other than a Boy . ( 242. ) Says a Lady to her Maid , What you are with-child ? Yes , a little , forsooth : And who got it ? My Master , forsooth : Where ? In the Truckle-bed , forsooth : Where was I then ? Asleep in the high-bed , forsooth : Why did you not call out then , you Whore : Why , says she , would you have don so ? ( 243. ) A young Maid came to a Priest to be shriev'd , and she told him all her sins : But one among the rest was , that she was with a young man in a Hay-loft : And what did you do there , says the Priest ? Why , what an old fool are you , says she , to ask what a young man and a maid should do together in a Hay-loft . ( 244. A Gentleman and his man rideing , his man saw one rideing on a Cow ; Look , Master , says he , yonder is a Fellow rides a horse-back on a cow : That 's a Bull , says he , No Sir says he , I know 't is a Cow by his Teats . ( 245. ) A virtuous Lady being once in a musing vein , sate with her leggs stradling : Says her husband to her , Sweet heart , your Cabinet stands open ; Say you so , says she , why do not you lock it then ? for I am sure none keeps the key but your self . ( 246. ) A Gallant spying a gamesome Maid , said , Sweet heart , Give me leave to kiss your hands and feet : O lack , Sir , says she , you are in extreams , to aim both high and low at once ; for I have often heard , there 's virtue in the middle , and there I would have you kiss ; if you won't , you may let it alone . ( 247. ) A Fellow reported his Mistriss was a Whore ; which she hearing , rebuk'd him sharplie for it : But one that stood by told her he was drunk when he said so : Yes , says the fellow , and in vino veritas : Well , says she , then I pardon you . ( 248. ) A Fidler was bragging what a chast Wife he had : Says a Merchant , I 'll lay my ship against thy fiddle , if I may have opportunitie , I get her good will to lie with her : The wager was laid , and he had libertie to try her ? But the Fidler in the mean time went to the window , and sung this song . Hold out Sweet-heart hold out , Hold out but this two hours . If thou hold out there is no doubt . But the ship and all is ours . I faith sweet Robin I cannot , He hath caught me about the middle ? He hath me won , thou art undon , Sweet Robin thou hast lost thy fiddle . ( 249. ) After Supper in a Colledg in Oxford , some of the young Schollars were throwing bones one at another ; which the Principal spying , sent them word , Now the Bellies were full , the Bones should be at rest . ( 250. ) A Schollar was jeered on the rode for haveing but one spur on : Faith , says he , if one side of my horse goes on , it is not likelie , the other side will stay behind . ( 251. ) A Scholar had got a miserable tired horse , and being six or seven miles to Oxford , could not get him above a foot-pace . A man advised him to take a long stick , and prick it into a bottle of hay , and hold it before his head ; which he did and the horse snapping hastilie at the hay , put one legg before another , and performed his journey . ( 252. ) A Gentleman rideing up Cheapside , by chance his horse stumbled against a door and fell down : Says the Mistress of the house , thinking to jeer him , Sir , does your horse use to do so ? Yes : says he , when he comes just against a Cuckolds door : Why faith , says she , then you are like to have twentie falls before you 'd come to the upper end of Cheapside . ( 253. ) A Gentleman being in a place where there was verie small beer , said , this beer , sweats extreamly , for 't is all in a water . Another said , the beer was dead : It may be so , says a third , for 't was verie weak when I was here last , Also the Beer being dead , one prais'd it : Why so ? because we must speak well of the dead . ( 254. ) One Pace a bitter Jester in Queen Elizabeths days , came to court : Come , says the Ladies , Pace , we shall now hear of our faults : No , says he , I don't use to talk of that which all the town talks of . ( 255. ) A Gentlewoman being with child , her husband was carving at the table a couple of coneys ; and beginning with the flaps his wife call'd to him , Pray Husband give me a fla'p o' th' coney ; What , says he , before all this companie , Wife . ( 256. ) A man with a great beard coming thorrow Thamsstreet , there was a stop with carts ; He standing near a Car-horse , the horse took his beard for a bottle of hay , and snapt at it ; A pox take you , says he , who made you a Barber . ( 257. ) A Tinker crying for work , an apprentice ask'd him why he did not stop the two holes in the Pillorie ; Says the Tinker , If you 'll afford me your head and ears , I 'll find you hammer and nails , and my work into the bargain . ( 258. ) A drunken Fellow was brought before a Justice , and what question soever the Justice ask'd him , he still said , Your Worships wise , Then he committed him till the next day ; then sent for him again , and told him of his idle talking yesterday ; Why what did I say ? Why whatsoever I said to you , you still said , Your Worship 's wise , that I thought thou wert mad ; Truly , says he , if I said so , I think I was mad indeed . ( 259. ) 'T is said the Stork breeds on the tops of houses , in places made purposelie for her by the inhabitants and when she has bred up her young , she lets fall the fattest of them to her Landlord in point of gratitude ; So a Wench being bred on the alms of the Parish was got with-child , and went away and left it on the Parish ; Being ask'd the reason she told them the storie of the Stork . ( 260 ) A little slender Northern Lass was ask'd , how she durst venture on so big a man ; O , says she , a little worm may lie under a great stone . ( 261. ) Some Tylers working on the top of the house , one by chance dropt down thorrow the rafters ; Says one , I like such a fellow dearlie , for he is one that goes through his work . ( 262. ) A Lord haveing an Irish Footman whom he loved verie well , the Cook it seems had abused him ; upon which , to be revenged , he feigned himself sick ; The Lord came to him , and ask'd him what he wanted , for he 'd spare no cost to recover him . He finding his kindness to him , said , he long'd for a thing ( but 't was not fitting to ask it ) yet he knew 't would cure him ; Says the the Lord , Name it , and thou shalt have 't ; Then he desired that the Cook might fry him a good brown Turd with sweet butter , and then put some sugar upon it , and he 'd eat it . The Cook was commanded to do it ; but he refused it ; Says the Lord if you will not do it , I 'll turn you out o' th' doors ; Then he did fry it as he desired , and brought it up to him . Says the Footman , my Lord you know the Cook is my enemie , and I believe he has put some poison in it , and if he will not tast of it , I am sure it is so . Well , with much importunitie , the Cook took a bit and eat it ; O Pox , says the Footman ; that 's the onlie bit that I would have had ; seeing you have eat that , take all the rest . ( 263. ) A fat Man rideing upon a lean Horse , was ask'd , Why he was so fat , and the horse so lean ? said : Because I look to my self , and my Man to my horse . ( 264. ) A Wench complained to a Justice , that such a man would have ravish'd her : Says the Justice , Did he offer to tie anie part of thy bodie ? Yes , says she , he tied my hands so fast , that I could not stirr them ; and he would have tied my leggs too , but I had the grace to keep them far enough asunder . ( 264. ) Another Wench complained to a Justice , that such an one would have refresht her : Thou meanest , says the Justice , Ravish : Yes , Sir , says she , I meant so indeed . I warrant , says the Justice , this Rogue has ravish'd thee manie times before this ? And she , to aggravate the matter , said , Yes , Sir , at least twentie times before now : which sav'd his life . ( 265. ) Says a man ( haveing a candle in his hand ) By this candle wife I dreamt this night that thou madest me a Cuckold : She haveing a piece of bread in her hand , said , By this bread but I did not . Eat the bread : says he , Nay says she , eat you the candle ; for you swore first . ( 266. ) A Gentleman rideing near the Forrest of Whichwood in Oxfordshire , ask'd a Fellow what that wood was call'd ; He said Whichwood Sir ; Why that wood : Whichwood Sir. Why that wood I tell thee . He still said , Whichwood . I think , says the Gentleman , the man is Wood : Yes , says he , I believe one of us is so , but I can't tell which . ( 267. ) In the Rumps time the Troopers kept a Guard in St. Pauls Church , and an Essex man coming to town , heard that Troop was then upon the Guard which quartered at their town : So he went in and found the man that quartered at his house : O Landlord , says he , how de' e ? By my troth , says John , I am glad to see this blessed Reformation in London ; for in our Town we can't get the people to Church , but here the verie horses come to church . ( 268. ) A rich Fool was begg'd by a Lord of the King ; and the Lord coming to another Noblemans house , the Fool saw the picture of a Fool in the hangings , which he cut out ; and being chidden for it , answered , You have more cause to love me for it ; for if my Lord hath see the Picture of a Fool in the hangings , he may begg them of the King , as he did my Lands . ( 269. ) One being ask'd , why he married so little a Wife ? answered , Of all evils the least is to be chosen . ( 270. ) A poor Fellow came to a Bulk in Cheapside , and there he sate : But the Apprentice bid him be gone for a lowzie rogue : Says he , as lowzie as I am , I hold five pound I dine with such a Sheriff to day : So the wager was laid , and he comes to the Sheriffs house and desired to speak with him : What 's your business ? says he ; Sir , an 't please you , what is a wedge of gold of half a yard long worth ? Friend , says he , I am just going to dinner , sit down , and I will talk with you after dinner . After dinner he ask'd him about the Wedge of Gold : Trulie Sir , says he , I did not tell you I had anie such ; but onlie I ask'd you , What such a one was worth ? and if ever I find anie such , your VVorship shall have the first refusal . ( 271. ) A Gentleman landing at Rye in Sussex , in Queen Elizabeths days , and lying long in an Inn with his man , could not defray his charges . So his man went down to the host , and said his master was a Jesuit , and he would not stay with him : Upon which the Constable was call'd who apprehended him ; for 't was death then to conceal a Jesuit : So the town presentlie paid his charges , and brought him safelie up to London , and presented him to the Bishop there , who presentlie knew the Gentleman , and discharged him ; for he was a verie zealous Protestant , only his man and he devised this trick to pay off their Rye-score . ( 272 ) An Italian Traveller used to say , that the Portuguese seems a fool , and is so ; the Spaniard seems wise , and is a fool ; the Frenchman seems a fool , but is wise ; the Englishman is wise , but cannot shew it ; and the Dutchman would be wise , but for the pot and the pipe . ( 273. ) A Gentleman once requested a thing of an unchast Woman : No , says she , for had I an hundred things , you should have none of them ; Well , says he , but I knew the time , when haveing but one thing , you let a friend use it . ( 274. ) One ask'd why men sue always to women , and women never to men ; Because , says another , women are alwaies readie for men , and men not alwaies for women . ( 275. ) A Doctor in Oxford , at his own charges , was mending a Causey ; and a Nobleman rideing by , said , how now Doctor , I see you are mending the High-way , but it is not the High-way to Heaven : No my Lord , says he , if it were , I should have wondered to have seen your Lordship come this way . ( 276. ) One affirmed , that he had seen a Cabbage so big , that five hundred men on horseback might stand under its shade : And I for my part , says another , have seen a Caldron so wide , that three hundred men wrought therein , each distant from the other twenty yards ; Then the Cabbage-lyer ask'd him , For what use was that Caldron ? Says he , To boil your Cabbage in . ( 277. ) A Gentleman coming hungry home call'd for a dinner ; His man told him , it had newlie struck ten● ; Puh , says he , don't tell me of ten by the Clock , when it has struck twelve by my Stomach . ( 278. ) Pope Sixtus the Fifth was a poor mans Son , and his Fathers house was so ill thatcht , that the Sun came in at manie places ; Upon which he would sport with his Nobilitie , saying , he was the Son of an Illustrious house . ( 279. ) A Chandler haveing had some Candles stole ; One bid him be contented ; for in a short time , says he , I am confident they 'll all come to light . ( 280 ) Bishop Bonner told Henrie the eight , if he sent him on such a rough Message to the French King , he 'd take his head off ; if he does , says the King , I 'll take a thousand of his Subjects heads off . I Sir , says he , but I question whether anie of them will fit my shoulders . ( 281. ) Noy the Lawyer , thinking to abuse a Countrey Fellow driveing his Cart , ask'd him why his forehorse was so fat , and the rest so lean ; He could not well tell , but he thought the forehorse was a Lawyer , and the rest his Clients : for which conceit he gave him an Angel. ( 282. ) A Templer going at Christmas into Yorkshire to his Father , took some other Templers a long with him ; and one of the Holydays he would have them to an Ale-house hard by , where the woman was deaf ; So coming thither , O my young Master , says she , I ha'n't seen you this seven years : Then he thinking to abuse her , drank to her , saying , here 's to thee , and to all the Rogues , Whores and Bawds in England : She seeing his lips go , but hearing him not , said , Come Sir I 'll pledge you , for I know you drink to your Father , and your Mother , and those good Gentlewomen your Sisters . ( 283. ) One told his Wife that he heard for certain that they were all counted Cuckolds in their town but one man ; Who dost think that should be ? says he : Faith , says she , Husband , I cannot think who it is . ( 284. ) An Oxford Schollar blowing of his fire , it seems the nose of the bellows dropt off : Faith , says he , I see 't is cold weather , for the nose of the bellows drops . ( 285. ) A Tenant of the Archbishop of York , came to his house to pay some rent , and being in the Hall , the Bishop came by and ask'd who it was : An 't please your worships Honour , says he , I am come to bring you some rent ; Then he went into the Parlour , and they told the man , that he must say , An 't please your Grace ; But the Bishop coming out again , he was at An 't please your VVorships Honour : They told him he must say , Grace . Must I so ? says he , then putting his hat before his eyes , he said , The eyes of all things , &c. ( 286. ) One was a saying , that men are guiltie of a manie faults , as drinking , diceing , whoreing , &c. but women are guiltie of but two faults in all , that is ( poor souls ) onlie naught in words , and naught in deeds . ( 287. ) One that had been drinking a long time together , till he was reeling ripe , began to spew most plentifullie , and still calls ( as he spews ) for a reckoning : Says one to him , Methinks Sir , you that have so often cast up what you have drunk , should know what 's to pay . ( 288. ) A prettie Countrey Maid coming to Oxford Market , and rideing into an Inn there , she , as she used to do , being nimble , leapt off , but the pummel being high , catcht hold of her petticoat , and shew'd almost all she had : Says a Schollar to her , Sweetheart , you have a verie clear skin : Says she , Do you like the sight on 't so well ? why did you not come and kiss it , to take your leave on 't ? for you are never like to see it again . ( 289. ) Some women resolved to abuse two Friars ; for they laid a Hog under the table , and said 't was the womans dead Husband , and they were to sing a Dirge for his soul ; and dureing the Service , the women titter'd and laught : Which one of the Friars spying , whilest they went into the next room to laugh out ; the Friars took up the cloath , saw the Hog , and that they were abused , took him up , and carried him quite away ; which the women seeing , called after them ; but they said , It was a Brother of theirs and must be buried in their Convent . ( 290. ) A great Eater haveing a lustie piece of roast-beef set before him , he began to cut somtimes at one end , and somtimes at the other ; The woman desired him to cut it handsomlie , and in one place ; Peace , says he , it is no matter at which end I begin , for I intend to make an end of it all before I go . ( 291. ) Hugh Peters in his antick preaching , took occasion to reprehend the modish Gallants of those times , saying , Beloved , the Apparel which men now wear , makes them seem like Apes in their short breeches ; And the Gentlewomen forsooth , must have their Gowns hang dagling half a yard upon the ground to draw after them , a verie unseemlie sight . Now to rectifie this disorder , You women must take up your coats , and you men must let down your Breeches ; Yet do not mistake me , I mean you women must make your Coats shorter , and you men your Breeches longer . ( 292. ) One who had been a great Traveller in France , upon his return was ask'd by a friend , what he thought of the men of that Countrey ? to which he replied , They of Berrie , are Leahers ; they of Tourain , Thieves ; they of Languedock , Traytors ; they of Provence , Atheists ; they of Rheims , Superstitious , they of Normandie , insolent ; and they of Picardie , proud . ( 293. ) One Dr. B. haveing newlie married a Wife , was verie kind to her , and carrying her one day down into the Countrey , as they rid along he would oftentimes turn his face backwards , and take a salute of her cherrie lips ; which occasioned one to write this Epigram upon him . The Doctor to avoid all further strife , Rideing before , turn'd back to kiss his wife ; And was not the Doctor then wondrous kind , Rideing before , to kiss his wife behind ? ( 296. ) One who had been a Traveller through the principal cities of Italie was at his return asked , What was his opinion of them ; To which he answered , that Rome was the chief for Religion ; Naples , for Nobilitie ; Millain , for Beautie ; Genoa , for stateliness ; Florence , for Policie ; and Venice for Riches . ( 297. ) One being desired to eat some Oysters resused , saying , they were ungodlie meat , unchristianlie meat , uncharitable meat , and unprofitable meat ; And being demanded his reason why he said it ; he answered , They were ungodlie meat , because they were eaten without saying of Grace ; unchristianlie meat , because the Creature was eaten alive ; uncharitable meat , because they left no offal to the poor ; and unprofitable meat , because most commonlie there was more spent upon them than the Oysters cost . ( 298. ) One who came to Scoggin to be confessed , told him that he had stolen an halter ; Well , said Scoggin , to steal an halter is no great matter ; But , said the fellow , there was an horse tied at the end of it . I marrie , quoth Scoggin , there is somthing in that ? there is difference between an horse and an halter ; You must therefore restore the owner the horse , and when you have don that , come to me ; and I 'll absolve you for the halter . ( 299. ) A Woman going to the burying of her fifth Husband , one was reckoning upon his fingers how many she had ; and beginning with his little finger , at last came to his thumb , saying , She had made an hand of them all . ( 300. ) One was saying , that there was nothing which he could imagin , that was more valiant than the collar of a Millers shirt : And being ask'd what reason he had to think so : he replied , Because that everie morning it had a Thief by the neck . ( 301. ) A Lawyer being very sick was moved to make his will , which he accordingly did , giving away all his estate to Lunatick , Frantick and mad people : And being demanded his reason why he did so ; He answered , that from such he had it , and to such he would give it again . ( 302. ) A Knight of Surrey haveing wasted a great Estate at Court , and bringing himself to one park , and a fine house in it , was yet ambitious to entertain the Queen at it ; and to that purpose had new painted his gates with a Coat of Arms and Motto written thus , OIA VANITAS in great golden letters : the Lord Cecil offering to read it , desired to know of the Knight what he meant by OIA ? who told him it stood for Omnia . To which Cecil replied , Sir , I wonder haveing made your Omnia so little , you should notwithstanding make your Vanitas so large . ( 303. ) One held a Paradox , That wise men were the greatest liars ; For ( said he ) the proverb tells us , that Children and Fools tell truth . ( 304. ) A man came to a painter , and desir'd him to paint him a Bear for his sign , the painter advised him to have a gold chain on the neck , he told him no , for he would not go to the charge , then he drew the Bear in colours , not laid in oil , and the first rain wash'd the Bear quite away , hey day , says the man , my bear 's gone , why yes , says the painter , did not I advise you to have a chain about the neck , and then you may be certain , your bear could never a gone away , why says he , 't is the rain hath wash'd away my bear , why yes , says the painter , and if you had had a chain 't would have reign'd him in , that he could not have gone away . ( 305. ) A Fellow passing Lndgate at night , the Constable ask'd him whither he was going : he said , he could not tell , the Constable was sending him to the Counter . Why look you says the Fellow , did not I tell you I could not tell you whither I was going , for did I know you 'd send me to the Counter , for which conceit he was releas'd . ( 306. ) A Fellow that kept an Inn to entertain thieves and what they had stolen laid it up for them , and always had his share : but at last his house being mistrusted 't was searcht , and he found to be an abettor though not a robber , and still he followed them for his part : so he and his two complices were both condemned , and as they were going all three to the Gallows , the two thieves went before with a courage , but he came dragling after , which one of the thieves seeing laught heartily at it , and beind ask'd his reason by the Sherriff , told him , that he could not chuse but laugh to see that fellow follow them for his part . ( 307. ) A Knight in Warwickshire , that was very hospitable , especially at Christmas ; when he always invited all his tenants to dinner , which said Knight had always a Jackanapes tied at the parlor door , and as the countrey women came in , he would snatch at their petticoats , and then grin in their faces : which a discreet woman observing , ask'd what it was ; 't was told her he was a Jackanapes : with that as she came by the parlor door , she makes him a great courtesie , and says , By 'r leave , good Master Jan , an , apes , with that he pluckt and grin'd at her more than all the rest , fie , fie , says she , you don't do well truly Sir to grin and jear at an honest woman , whose husband has paid Scott and lott in the parish this twentie years , and I am sure I am old enough to be your Mother , indeed you are to blame . ( 308. ) A Quaker came into the court to speak with the King , and was marching through the presence and privy chamber with his hat on , insomuch that some of the Kings servants would have pluckt off his hat , but the King bid 'em let him alone , and when he came to the King he was telling him a long story : a little after the king upon some occasion put off his hat : nay , says the Quaker , O King , thou mayest be covered if thou wilt : well , says the King , if I give you your libertie , I hope you 'l allow me mine . ( 309. ) Some Gentlemen were rideing into the countrey to be merry , and coming near a countrey town , they saw a cucking stool , and an old woman near it a spinning : come says one of them you shall see how I 'll abuse this old woman , good woman says he , what was that chair made for , she told him he knew well enough what it was : no , says he , I do not know , unless it be the chair you use to spin in : O fie , says she , you must needs know it , for 't is a Cradle your good Mother has often layn in . ( 310. ) A man lately was advised to adventure something at the royal Oak Lotterie , no , says he , for there 's not one in an hundred hath any luck but Cuckolds , which his sweet wife hearing said , dear husband I pray venture , for I am certain you 'd have good luck . ( 311. ) A prettie Girle at a coffie house , about fourteen years of age , a Gentleman ask'd her mother when she should be married , O , says her mother , 6 or 7 years hence is time enough , O fie mother , says she , how strangely you talk : Why then , says her Mother , within this month if you won't girle , I marry mother says she , now you talk like your self , for I have often heard you say ; you were married at fourteen , and must I now be married by Sixes and Sevens . ( 312. ) Two Gallants rideing into the countrey , overtook a miller upon an ass , come says one to t'other , let 's abuse this miller : then says one of them to him , prethee Miller tell us what 's the reason thy ass does always keep such a braying , truly Gentlemen , says he , he does not always do so , but when he hears anie of his kindred come after him then he makes this noise forsooth . ( 313. ) A Gentleman being at a great Lords table told him a storie of a great piece of Chimistrie lately , which he saw perfected in Flandres ; and it was a general cure for all diseases , nay , says he , I could not have believ'd it , if I had not seen it my self ; at which the Lord wondered much , and askt a grave Philosopher which then sate at the table what he thought of this story : Why truly my Lord , says he , that Gentleman hath spoken my sence , for he said he would not have believ'd it unless he had seen it : and trulie no more will I. ( 314. ) A countreyman near Oxford , was saying that he had been bargaining with two women for such and such commodities , but says he , I found them both to be cheating whores , impudent whores , and scolding whores ; well neighbour , says one of them , now you talk so much of whores , does your daughter go to Abbing●on Market to morrow or no. ( 315. ) Some Thieves met with a man and robb'd him , and bound him in a wood , a little after they met with another , and robb'd and bound him also , and set him on the other side the hedge hard by the first , then one of them cry'd out , saying I 'm undon , I 'm undon , the other hearing him say so pray'd him that he would come and undo him too , seeing he was undon himself . ( 316. ) A Quaker that had taken one of his female Saints to wife , about a fortnight after , he found she had given him a lusty clap , that he became very ill , insomuch that another Quaker came to him , and ask'd him how he did , he said not well : the other mistrusting how it was with him ( he haveing given her the clap before ) told him he 'd go with him to a Surgeon that should cure him ; being come , the Surgeon ask'd him what was his distemper , he said he was not well , I ask you what 's your distemper , still he said , he was not well , then the Surgeon being a chollerick fellow , said , what a pox is your distemper , I that , that , that 's it , says he . ( 317. ) A Fellow of a colledg in Oxford desired one the last winter to lend him Sir Walter Rawleig's history of the world ; he sent him word that he could not spare it out of his chamber , but if he pleased to come thither he might use it all day there : a little after the other desired of him to lend him his bellows , he sent him word he could not spare them out of his chamber , but if he pleased to come thither he might use them all the day long . ( 318. ) A Lord desired his Chaplain to write a copy of verses on his Lady , who was a verie great shrew , it was promised but not performed , the Lord asking reason of his delay , said the Chaplain , What need you my Lord desire a copie , when you have the Original ? my Ladie hearing thereof , caused the Chaplain to be discharged , and so he paid for his wit. ( 319. ) A countrey fellow , who had never seen London , was abused one day by some young clerks of an Inn of Chancerie , who thereupon complained to the Principal of the house in this matter ; I have been much abused by a companie of Rascals belonging to this house , and being informed you are the Principal , I thought good to acquaint you therewith . ( 320. ) Some Neighbours that dwelt all in a row on one side of the street , were resolved to be merrie with their wives , said one , they say we are all Cuckolds who live on this side , but one , hereupon his wife was in her dumps , how now Sweetheart , said he , why so sad ? I am not sad said she , but I am studieing who that one of our Neighbours it should be , that is not a Cuckold . ( 321. ) A Ladie sent her Servant to the Play-house to know what was acted that day , The fellow asking the question , he was answered , Go tell your Lady 'T is pittie she is a Whore , the fellow misunderstanding , and thinking this was spoke of his Ladie , and not of the Play , replied , 'T is pitie such a parcel of Rogues , Rascals , and idle Sons of Whores should abuse honest women after this manner . ( 322. ) A Parson haveing in his sermon much inveighed against Usurie , saying it was a sin as bad as willfull Murder ; a little after wanting money , he went to one of his Parishioners , and desired the loan of twentie pounds gratis for 3. months , the man remembering the Parsons Sermon , said , trulie Sir , If to lend money upon use be in your opinion as great a sin as Murder , in my opinion to lend money gratis is a greater sin than Man-slaughter . ( 323. ) A Gentleman whose name was Church sitting in a Chimnie-corner in the winter time drinking of a pot of ale , ask'd the question , Whether anie of the companie ever saw a Chimnie in a Church , no , said one , but I now see a Church in a Chimnie-corner . ( 324. ) Mr. Church another time was telling his friend that his wife was with-child , and withal so big , that he could not chose but wonder everie time he lookt upon her ; You need not wonder , said his friend , do you not know your wife hath a Church in her bellie ? ( 325. ) A man and his wife being in bed together , towards morning she pretended her self ill at ease , desireing to lie on her husbands side , the good man to please her , came over , makeing some short stay in his passage ; she had not laid long , but desired to lie in her own place again , quoth he , how can this be done ? she answered , come over me again : I had rather said he go half a mile about . ( 326. ) A citizen dying greatlie in debt , it coming to his Creditors ears , farewell said one , there is somuch of mine gone with him ; and he carried somuch of mine , said another ; one hearing them make their several complaints , said , well , I see now that though a man can carrie nothing of his own out of this world , yet he may carrie a great deal of other mens . ( 327. ) An indigent Gentleman was perswaded to marrie a Prostitute , for no other reason than that she was rich , and perhaps might turn ; Turn , said the Gentleman , she hath been so much worn , that she is past turning . ( 328. ) A verie wicked extravagant fellow boasting of his travels , and amongst the rest of those incredible things he had seen , said , that he had been on the verie top of Teneriff ( which is accounted one of the highest Hills in the world ; ) one ask'd him why he did not stay there , for he was perswaded he would never be so near heaven again . ( 329. ) One seeing an answer in Chancerie written five words in a line , and not above ten lines in a folio page , ask'd why they were writ so wide ; one answered , it was don to keep the peace , for if the Plaintiff should be in one line , and the Defendant in the orher , the lines being too near , they would go together by the ears . ( 330. ) A handsome woman , but dishonest , was frequentlie reproved by a relation for her levitie and disobedience , frequeutlie inculcating , that her husband was her head , and therefore should both love and obey him : in a little time she undid her husband , and was forced to flie for it ; being reproved again by the same partie for her extravagant lewd actions ; Pray forbear , said she , and meddle with your own business , I have injured none but my self , and that is hy breaking my own head . ( 331. ) A citizen that was more tender of himself than his wife , usuallie in cold weather made her go to bed first , and when he thought her plump buttocks had sufficientlie warmed his place , he then came and removed her out of it , and lay in it himself ; and to make himself merrie , called her his warming-pan ; she not being able to endure this indignitie anie longer , one night ( Sir Reverence ) she did shit a bed ; he leaping into it , and finding himself in a stinking condition , cried out , O wife I am beshit , no husband , says she , it is but a coal dropt out of your Warming-pan . ( 332. ) A certain person latelie attempted the violation of the honor of a verie virtuous Gentlewoman by this stratagem ; as they were alone together he pretended his back itcht , and therefore desired the Gentlewoman to scratch it , who suspecting nothing , consented , in the m●an time this beastlie fellow obscenelie shewed what nature would , and modestie must hide , saying , Madam look whether I am not of the nature of a cat , who being scratcht on the back will play with her tail : the Gentlewoman all in confusion , furiouslie flung from him , and with much indignation related the affront to her husband , who bid her not disquiet her self , and he would verie speedilie find out a way to be revenged , and thus it was , he invited him one day to dinner , and to remove all suspicion he entertain'd him verie liberallie , haveing dined , he took him to the Balconie , where haveing discoursed him a while , at length he took him up by the twist and threw him over , which was a great hight from the ground , saying , If you have the nature of a cat , no doubt you will pitch upon your leggs . ( 333. ) A Gentleman amongst companie was relateing a Jest of a Servitor in the Universitie , who was commanded by his Tutor to go down to the kitchin and heat some meat , who instead thereof did eat it , justifieing the act by saying , H non est litera ; how , said the stander by , is H no letter ? I am sorrie for that , for my name being Hill , 't will be then Ill. ( 334. ) An arch young wagg hearing one morning the cry of Kitchin-stuff , called the woman to him , and ask'd her what she cried ? Kitching-stuff said she , what 's that quoth he ? she replied it was that dropt from flesh : say you so , said be , call to morrow and I will furnish you with some , the next morning she came , and this wagg in the time had prepared a pot half full of sir reverence ; the woman according to custom put her arm into the pot , and drawing it out saw how she was abused , and began to be angrie ; nay , nay , says the young man , you have no cause for passion , have not I fullfilled my promise in fnrnishing you with what drops from flesh ? it is verie true , said she , and now I think on it , your flesh appears to me verie dry ( and stroaking his face with her sh ... hand ) wants a little greasing , and stands in need I think of basting too . ( 335. ) Two seeing an handsome young wench pass by them whom they knew manie grains too light , but verie poor , one said it was a wonder to see such a wench so bare : it is no wonder , said the other , for she is common . ( 336. ) There was a Gentlewoman named Cunnie , who was of a free jollie , yet innocent disposition ; a Gentlewoman chanced to take lodgings in the same house where she lay , whose name was Parsley ; being ask'd one day how he liked Mrs. Cunney , verie well , said he , but I like her much better were Mrs. Cunney stuft with Parsley . ( 337. ) One asked another why men were not content to tell lies , but they must publish them in print , the reason is apparent , said the other , because when men lie they most desire to lie in sheets . ( 338. ) Three young concieted wits sitting in a Tavern verie merrie , it chanced that a grave old Gentleman with a long gray beard looked into the room , whom , as soon as they had espied , to show their wit , saluted him with the name of Father Abraham , the other with Isaac , and the third with Jacob ; I am , said the Gentleman , neither Father Abraham , Isaac , nor Jacob , but Saul the Son of Kish , who went to seek his Fathers Asses , and here I find them , and here I leave them . ( 339. ) A young Maid coming fresh out of the countrey , was courted by a person of Qualitie , whom she understood was poxt ; he daylie wooed her , and promised her marriage ; she refused , and being ask'd the reason , why she ( that was meanlie born ) would not marrie one , that would not onlie enrich her , but enoble her blood ? I will not , said she , corrupt my flesh to better my bloud for anie Prince in Christendom . ( 340. ) A Wit at Cambridge in King James his time , was ordered to preach at St. Maries before the Vice-Chancellour and the heads of the Universitie , who formerlie had observed the drowsiness of the Vice-Chancellour , and thereupon took this place of scripture for his text , What ? cannot ye watch one hour ? At everie division he concluded with his text , which , by reason of the Vice-Chancellours sitting so near the pulpit , often awaked him ; this was so noted by the wits , that it was the talk of the whole University , and withal it did so nettle the Vice-Chancellour , that he complained to the Arch-Bishop of Canterburie , who willing to redess him , sent for this Schollar up to London to defend himself against the crime laid to his charge , where coming , he made so many proofs of his extraordinary wit , that the Arch-Bishop enjoyned him to paeach before King James , after some excuses he at length condescended , and coming into the pulpit , begins , James the first and the sixth ; Waver not ; meaning the first King of England , and the sixth of Scotland ; at first the King was somwhat amazed at the Text , but in the end was so well pleased with his sermon that he made him one of the Chaplains in ordinary ; after this advancement , the Arch-Bishop sent him down to Cambridge to make his recantation to the Vice-Chancellour , and to take leave of the University ; which he accordingly did , and took the latter part of the verse of his former Text , Sleep on now and take your rest , concludeing his Sermon , he made his Apology to the Vice-Chancellour , Saying , whereas I said before , ( which gave offence ) What ? cannot you watch one hour ? I say now , sleep on , and take your rest , and so left the University . ( 341. ) A learned and charitable Doctor having made ( for the benefit of the countrey wherein he dwelt ) a large Causey , whilst he was overseeing his work , a Nobleman of his acquaintance chanced to ride that way , who seeing the Doctor , saluted him kindly , thinking to jeer him into the bargain ; Dr. quoth he , for all your pains and expences , I suppose this is not the highway to heaven : I think , replied the Doctor , you have hit the nail on the head , for if it had , I should have wondred to have met your Lordship here . ( 342. ) A Gentlewoman , to be in the fashion , must needs ( like her neighbours ) have a friend , or Gallant besides her husband ; haveing singled out one day one ( whom she thought fit for her purpose ) privatly she told him , how dearly she loved him , above all men ; her husband chancing to over-hear her ; said , Sir , believe her not ; for she hath told me the same manie times this seven years , and God knows how manie more besides . ( 343. ) Mr. Dunscom , and one Mr. Cox living one near the other in the countrey , fell out about five foot of ground , and nothing must serve but the law to decide the controversie : to 't they went , and sued one another so long , that they were forced at last to prosecute the Suit each of them in formâ pauperis ; at length the case coming to a definitive hearing , and the Judge understanding how long they had been vexatious , to the utter ruin of each other , said thus , Gentlemen , there hath been a scandal cast upon the Law for its tediousness in mens recovering their rights , the fault is not in the Law , but in you and such like , who delight in long and tedious Suits to the destruction of their own and anothers family . But to the business in hand ; here is five foot of land in controversie between you , and both of you have brought equal arguments to prove the propriety ; wherefore my sentence shall be , that the five foot of land be equally divided ; and now let me desire you Mr. Dunscomb to permit me to divide your name too , take comb and put it to cox ; then your name will be Dunce , and his Coxcomb ; and so gave order for their names to be registred on Record . ( 344. ) A Gentleman speaking of his long and large Travels , was interrupted by a Lady , who said she had travelled farther than him , if so Madam , says he , as Travellers we may lie together by authority . ( 345. ) A Gentlewoman sitting carelesly by a fire side , sate stradling , her husband in a pleasant humour told her , that her cabinet stood open : say you so , said she , why don't you lock it then ? for I am sure that none keeps the Key but you self . ( 346. ) A Countrie Gentleman rideing down Cornhill , his horse stumbled and threw him into a shop ; the Mrs. thereof being a pleasant woman , not forbearing smileing , ( seeing there was no hurt don ) ask'd him , whether his horse used so to serve him , yes , said he , when he comes just against a Cuckolds door ; Then in troth , said she , you are like to have a fortie falls before you come to the upper end of Cheap-side . ( 347. ) A man and his dog ( named Cuckold ) going together in the evening returning home , the dog ran in a doors first ; O mother , says the boy , Cuckold's come ; Nay then , says the Mother , your Father is not far off I am sure . ( 348. ) What a sad condition am I in , said a fellow in the Stocks ? I can see over the wood , under the wood , and through the wood , but can't get out of the Wood. ( 349. ) One Phanatick said to another , that he hoped God would not lay it to his charge that he had fasted one day last Lent ; how , said the other , I hope it was not on Good-Friday , as they call it ; no , said the other , but it was on Ash-Wednesday , as they call it , why that 's as bad said the other ; But hear the truth brother , I did eat so much on Shrove-Tuesday , as they call it , that I could not eat a bit the day after , as they call it . ( 350. ) A foolish wench meerly out of revenge complained to a Justice , that such a man would have ravish'd her ; what did he do , says he ? he tied my hands so fast I could not stirr them ; and what else ? Why Sir , said she , He would have tied my leggs too , but I had the wit to keep them far enough asunder . ( 351. ) One Gentleman desired another to drink more than he could bare , and therefore he refused ; the other swore if he did not drink off that glass he would run him through ; nay , rather than that , said the other , I will run my self through , and pledge you afterwards , and so running through the door down stairs , left the other to pay the reckoning . ( 352. ) A Gentleman , that was a great drinker , said , when he died he would leave fifty pound to be drank in wine in manner and form following , at these Taverns , ten pound at the Wonder in Ludgate-street , for honest men , and no Brewers , ten pound at the Castle for Militarie men , ten pound at the Miter for Clergy men , ten pound at the Horn Tavern for citizens , and ten pound at the Devil Tavern for Lawyers . ( 353. ) A Bastard told his friend that he was as much beholding to such a man , as to his own father ; Yes , said he , but I believe you are more beholding to your Mother to chuse you such a Father , then to your Father to chuse you such a Mother . ( 354. ) A handsome Wench , and very gentile in habit , was brought by a Constable before a Justice late at night ; the Justice finding no matter of fact , only bare suspicion , in favour of her , bid the constable take her home to his house for that night ; That I shall do Sir , says he , if your worship will be pleased to commit my wife till the morning . ( 355. ) A Person one Sabboth day , and that very lately , went to the Queens Chappel more out of curiosity than devotion , who haveing tired himself with the observation of Romish Ceremonies , he went out of the chappel , and seeing bills affixed to the Pillars , drew near , and as he was reading to himself , a Matron like woman in very good Apparel came to him , and ask'd him what he read , Mistress , said he , this bill signifies that a person being sick , desires to be pray'd for by such as come hither , What is it I pray , said the old Gentlewoman , ( pretending deafness , and gathering up closer to him ) it is , said he , as afore said , speaking lowder . The third time she ask'd him the same question , saying , Sir , excuse me , I am very deaf , pray speak a little lowder , which he did to satisfie her , by this time she pickt his pocket , and haveing so don , she dropt him a low curtsie , saying , I hear you now Sir , I give you manie thanks , for you have given me good satisfaction , and so went her way out to his great dissatisfaction , when he came home , he could not find one cross in his pocket . ( 356. ) A Lancashire man passing by the Watch at Ludgate , they stopt him ; but he would not be stopt , for he was in hast : they still detaining him , he askt them what they were ? The Watch , said they ; the watch , quoth he , what watch you for ? the King , said they ( meaning the Kings watch ) , for the King , quoth he , then by my troth I can bring verie good witness that I am no such a man ; for I'es een Billy Noddy's Son of Lancashire . ( 357. ) A Gentleman being newly trimmed , the barber left only some hairs on his upper lip ; visiting a Gentlewoman she innocently said , Sir , you have a beard above , and none below ; and you , says he , Madam , have a beard below and none above , say you so , says she , then put one against t'other . ( 358. ) A Travellor in a cold frosty night , coming to his Inn , he stood so near the Kitchen fire , that he burnt his boots ; which the Turn-spit-boy seeing ; said , Sir , you will burn your spurs presently ; my boots thou meanest boy ; No Sir , said he , they are burned alreadie . ( 359. ) An arch Countrey fellow haveing been at London , upon his return was ask'd by his she Neighbour , what news he heard there , news quoth he , all the news that I heard was , that there was a great press out for Cuckolds ; Is there so , said she , then to avoid the worst my Husband shall not stir out of doors , till the press be over . ( 360. ) A light House-wife married one whose name was Not , whom she cuckold and buried , at her death these verses were made on her , Not a Maid , Not a Wife , Not a Widdow , Not a Whore , She was not these , and yet she was all four . ( 361. ) A Gentleman pretending to have a great desire to marry , ask'd advice of a friend concerning so weighty a matter ; a mad Hec. of the Town hearing thereof , sent him these lines , I know not whether designedly to divert him from marriage , or to shew his own ( Ala Mode ) aversion to it . Out of stark love and errant devotion , Of Marriage , I 'll give you this galloping notion . 'T is bane of all business , the end of all pleasure , Consumption of youth , wit , virtue , and treasure . 'T is the Rack of our thoughts , Night-mare of our Sleeps , That calls us to work before the day peeps ; Commands to make brick without stuble or straw , For a C ... hath no sense , nor conscience , or law . If you must be for flesh , take the way that is noble , In a generous wench there is nothing of trouble . You come on , you go off , say , do what you please , And the worst you can fear is but a disease , And diseases you know may hope for a cure , But the pain of being married who can it endure . ( 362. ) A Lawyer being sick made his will , and gave away his estate to Lunatick , Frantick , and Mad-people , being ask'd why he did so , he answered , That from such he recieved it , and to such he would give it again . ( 363. ) A Gentleman one night very late , or early in the morning , and half fudled , yet had wit enough , was called before the constable , who ask'd him where he was going , he replied he could not tell ; then said the constable you shall go to the counter ; look you there said the Gentleman , did I not tell you , I could not tell whither I was going , For did I know , whether you would let me go home , or send me to prison , for which conceit he was released . ( 364. ) A Quaker coming to court to speak with the King about the Lord knows what , past through the Presence , and Privy-chamber with his hat on , which some would have taken off , but the King bid them let him alone , whilst he was telling a long rible rable story , the King took an occasion to take off his own hat ; hereupon the Quaker stopt , and said , O King thou maist be covered , if thou wilt . Well , says the King , if I give you your libertie , I hope you will allow me mine . ( 365. ) Some Gentlemen travelling , and coming near a town , saw an old woman spinning near a Duckin-stool ; one to make the company merry , ask'd the good woman , what that chair was made for ? said she , you know what it is ; indeed , says he , I know not , unless it be the chair you use to spin in sometimes ; no no , said she , you know it to be otherwise : Have you not heard that it is the cradle your good mother hath often layn in . ( 366. ) One seeing a Drawer drunk , said , that the wine was even with him ; For he had pierced the Wines Hogs-head , and the wine had pierced his . ( 367. ) Two Jesuits sitting in a Coffee house , told a great many forreign stories , which a Gentleman , and a great Traveller sitting by , knew to be notorous lies , but contradicted them not ; but told one of his own makeing , which was , that now is to be seen at St. Albans , a Stone Trough , which that Saint kept a long time to preserve water for his necessary use , and that ever since if Swine should eat anie thing out of it , they would die instantly ; the Jesuits hearing this , resolved the next day to ride and see this holy Relict : coming to St. Albans , they found no such matter ; and returning home , taxt the Gentleman with telling such an untruth , saying , they had taken pains to ride and see it , but found no such thing : Gentlemen , said he , I thought you had been more civil ; you told me the other night an hundred palpable lies , and I went not about to disprove you , and I told you but one , and you , by your own confession , have rid twenty miles to do it . ( 368. ) A Lady of great quality had a female Dwarf to attend on her , the excellency of whose features , and acutness of wit , so engaged her Ladies affection to her , that nothing could plead an equality or esteem with her breast , and fearing that death would too soon deprive her of this pretty little Animal , one day she proposed to her a marriage , that thereby she might by the smalness of the issue , have her remembrance continued ; but all the Ladies trouble consisted in this , that she knew not where to get an husband so little that would fit her ; Madam , said she , take you no care for that , I have lately been in your Ladyships Celler , and there I found Casks of several Sizes , viz. The great bellied Hogs-head , the slender , yet long pipe , the little Kilterkin , and the lesser Ferkin , and yet observing their Bung-holes , I found them all much about an equal wideness . ( 369. ) One who all his life time was a great Drole , and full of Jokes , on his death-bed , was visited by an intimate friend , and a Physician , who for some reasons , best known to himself , put his hand into the bed to feel the patients feet , the other percieving his intent drew them up to him ; said the Doctor , Sir , where are your feet ? the patient replied , Mr. Doctor , the proverb saith , after forty , either a Fool , or a Physician , and I think you are both , I pray where should my feet be but at the end of my legs ? ( 370. ) A couragious Captain just as he was about to ingage , was told by some , who had rather eat than fight , that the enemie was five times their number ; are they so , said he , no whit dismayed ? I am very glad , for then there are enough to be killed , enough to he taken Prisoners , and enough to run away . ( 371. ) One ask'd another how he could take a kick of the arse so patiently , Prithee , said he , because an Ass kickt me , must I kick the Ass again . ( 372. ) I see you do all under Colour , said the Glazier to the Painter , seeing him at work , go your ways for a Rogue , replied he , you are alwaies picking quarrels . ( 373. ) One told a Gentlewoman , whorish and barren , that she was very fruitfull ; how can that be Sir , said she , since I never had anie Children ? That 's nothing , Madam , said he , nevertheless you bear manie . ( 374. ) Two men walking through a Church-yard , one of them affirmed , that hell was nothing els but a grave , for Shoal in the Hebrew , signifies the Grave , though it is translated Hell ; the other having lately buried there a shrew'd curst Wife , pointing to her grave , said , then one of the greatest Devils in Hell lies there . ( 375. ) A Welshman rideing with a charge of money behind him , was set upon by a thief , who bade him deliver immediatly ; or ( drawing a Pistol ) said , he would make it bounce through him ; says her so , said the Welshman , why then her had better give her money , that is her masters , and spare her life , that is her own , and thereupon delivered . Now pray Sir , said the Welshman , since her hath her money , let her hear one pounce for it ; for her never heard the pounce of a cun . The good natured Thief , to satisfie the curiosity of the Welshman , ( whom he look't on as a verie silly fellow ) discharged his pistol , which Ecchoed in many places , Cuds splutter nails , said the Welshman , it was a gallant pounce , and there was manie little pounces too ; good her Urship let her have one pounce more for her money , and her will be satisfied : So the Thief discharged the other ; at which the Welshman seem'd better pleased than before , and ask'd if he had no more pounces ; no , said the Thief , I have no more . No , said the Welshman , then her has one pounce in store , which her will make pounce through her immediatly , if her deliver not her money back presently , and so forced the thief to re-deliver . ( 376. ) A Countrey man haveing never seen a Ship , came to the Custom-house-key ; where seeing so manie wonders , he chanced to ask a dutchman what that was called , pointing to a great Ship ; ich queet neet ; and what do you call that , said he , pointing to a less : ich queet neet , said he again ( that is , I understand not ) hey day , said the Countrey fellow , are there great Queet neets , and little Queet neets too ? Being afterwards informed it was called a Ship ; he ask'd how old it was ? It is two years old said one , How , said the fellow , and so big already ? Lord what a huge mastie thing it will be by that time it is as old as I am . ( 377. ) A conceited pragmatical , coming into a mixt company , talked incessantly ; and to shew his wit and learning , singled out one whose countenance promised little , yet an excellent Schollar , and ask'd him many frivolous questions , which he answered very slightingly , or replied to them not at all , this Pragmatico grew to that impertinence , as to ask him , whether he had ever learned his Grammer ? yes , said he , I have read Despauters ; to try you , said the other , his second rule is this , Esto foeminium recepit quae foemina tantum . Now , said he , Mater , cujus generis , ( Mother , what gender is it ) to which the other replied , Mater fi mea sit est foeminini generis , si tua est communis ; Mother , if mine is the feminine , if thine the common . ( 378. ) A very honest and prudent Gentleman had the ill fortune to marry a Wife a grain too light ; one day returning home , he went up the stairs , and found his Chamber door open , entring , he caught his wife and the adulterer ( who were so intent upon their sport that they minded nothing els ) in the very act ; the gentleman seemingly unmov'd , said , Wife , Wife , Indeed you don't do well to expose your own and my reputation thus to the hazard of being lost by carelesness : Sure in a business , that so nearly concerns us both , you might have shut the door ; I pray consider , what if any one els had come and caught you in this posture ; and so went and left them ; the mildness of this reproof so effectually wrought upon this woman , that she ever after abhorred the thought of enjoying any other man but her husband . ( 379. ) One said he Sung as well as most men in Europe , and thus he proved it , the most men in Europe do not sing well , therefore I sing as well as most men in Europe . ( 380. ) One speaking of the great Fire in London , said , Canon-street roar'd , Milk-street was burnt too , Wood-street was burnt to ashes , Bread-street was burnt to a coal , Pudding-lane and Pye-corner were over-baked , and Snow-hill was melted down . ( 381. ) A young Italian Gentleman being led by curiosity into Holland , where haveing lived some time conversing with the most ingenious , was one day set upon by a Protestant Minister , who would needs ingage him in a controversie about Religion . The young Gentleman , knowing himself too weak for the encounter , begged his diversion , and endeavoured to wave the discourse ; but the more he avoided it , the more hotly was he prest by the Minister , whereupon the young Italian in a very great passion , conjured him by all that is good , to let him alone in peace with his religion , for , said he , I cannot embrace yours , and if you make me lose my own , I will never make choice of anie other . ( 382. ) Within one of the Provinces of the United Neatherlands there lived a Mercenary Scribler , who wrote a Pasquil , or Defamatory Libel against the house of Austria , and presented it to the Governour of the same place , which was a person of the most ancient Family of Nassaw . The Governour haveing read it , dissembled his displeasure , but with a kind of feigned smile , told him , that his invective was as sharp as could be imagined . Sir , said the Author , I have one in the press , as sharp again ; let me see it , said the Governour ; this libellous author , thinking he should be highly rewarded , brought him this second copie ; in which was writ , as in the former , a thousand notorious and scandalous lies , not sparing the bespattering of the then virtuous Infanta with lewd reproach and obloquy ; not omitting the King , Emperour , &c. The Governor hardly forbearing the concealment of his great indignation , bid him come in the afternoon , and his reward should be ready : takeing his leave of his Excellency , he returns home to his friends , further fraught with joy and hopes , than an East-India Ship with pepper , comes at the time appointed . He went to wait for his reward , and the Governor hearing of the coming of this Libeller , ordered him to go up such a pair of stairs , and there he should meet with a person should give him his due ; coming to the top of the stairs , he was asked , whether he was the man that wrote the Libel , he answered very jollily , That he was the Person that had serv'd his countrey with his pen , though he could not with his Sword : and that he had ( he thought ) painted the King of Spain , and Emperor to the Life , in their own proper colours : pray , Sir , come in said the other , I have order to give you double recompence ; where presently he was seized by half a dozen strong fellows , and being strip'd they gave him forty lashes on the bare back with a cat of nine tails , and were laid on by remembring him , that the first was for the Emperour : The second for the King of Spain : The third for the Infanta : And the fourth for Marquis Spinola : And so over with them again , till the number was expired ; at which time the Governour came in , and told him , that this punishment was the least of desert , for abuseing so Illustrious an House as that of Austria , and that though an enemie , yet should not be abused with the scandalous reproaches of every lying Pamphleter , Let all such , like this , wear their reward on their backs , and not in their purses . ( 383. ) A certain Minister of the Reformed Religion , preaching one Sabbath day in Amsterdam , took an occasion to loose his text , that he might find out a digressive discourse on the Magistrates of that city , several whereof were present at that time ; in his Sermon he first proved , that Magistrates were as Gods on Earth , and that the Ministers were as Angels ; after this he much inveighed against the supiness and carelesness of the former , in suffering Popish Idolatrie to be so openly professed , with Judaism , &c. And his zeal prompted him to say , that they should one day be answerable for their negligence , reproveing them also for many notorious Sins , &c , After Sermon , some of the Magistrates sent for him , and haveing severely checkt him for his Insolence , and seditious Eloquence , told him , that if he ever did the like , that though he made them Gods , they would make a Devil of him , and throw him out of the Paradise of his Liveing , into the Hell of a Dungeon . ( 384. ) An Italian Captain haveing been a long time besieged in a place , where for four months , he did eat nothing but horse-flesh , at length being relieved , he returned to his former Mistriss , thinking to have the same dalliances as formerly ; she understanding how he had fared , since his departure ; hold , said she , though I have a mind to be gotten with child , yet I am resolved never to he gotten with colt . ( 385. ) A Gentleman in Naples being affronted by an Englishman , was resolved to be revenged ; and therefore commanded his man to procure him a couple of villains , fit for his purpose ; in a little time he brought his Master two whose faces were slasht and cut ; the Gentleman seeing them , said , I will have none of you ; but bring me them who gave you those wounds , and I will reward you . ( 386. ) Some profane Fellows and Wenches were resolved to abuse some Friars ; for , laying an Hog ( which they had made dead drunk before with the lees of wine ) under the table , covered with a black cloath , they sent for the Friars , telling them , that the womans husband of the House was dead , and that they must sing a Dirg for his soul ; dureing the Service the women kept such a tittering and laughing , that they were forced to avoid the room ; the young men seeing that , stole out after them , that they might have the greater libertie to laugh also ; one of the Friars takeing notice hereof lifted up the Cloth , and seeing it was an Hog , took him , and to be revenged of the abuse , carried him away ; the woman of the house seeing them march off , called after them to return ; no , no , said they , we find he is a Brother of ours , and must be buried in our Convent . ( 387. ) A Fellow hearing the Drums beat up for Volunteers for France , in the late Expedition against the Dutch , imagin'd himself valiant enough , and thereupon listed himself : returning again , he was ask'd by his friends , what exploits he had done there ; He said , that he had cut off one of the enemies Leggs , and being told that it had been more honourable and manly to have cut off his head ; O , said he , you must know his head was cut off before . ( 388. ) An old coveteous Miser at Burdeaux , grudged his servants their victuals , and allowed them but a fifth part of wine , to four parts of water ; one time seeing one of his servants feed very heartily , What , said he , will your grinders never be at rest ? how can they , said the servant , as long as they have so little wine , and so much water . ( 389. ) Julius the third , when he was made Pope , gave his hat to a young Favorite of his , to the general dissatisfaction of the Conclave ; whereupon a Cardinal that used to be free with him said , what did your Holiness see in that young man to make him a Cardinal ? Julius replied , what did you see in me , to make me a Pope ? ( 390. ) A French Peasant passing by a Ditch with his Cart full of Onions , the Cart overturn'd , and the Onions fell into a Ditch full of water , at sight whereof the Peasant cried out , Mort bleau , here wants nothing but a little Salt to make le bon potage . ( 391. ) A Dutch-man in Amsterdam haveing heated himself with wine , grew angry ; and swearing Gods Sacrament , he would feign know , why the English called his Countrey men Butter-boxes ; the reason is , said a stander by , because they find you are so apt to spread every where , and for your sauciness must be melted down . ( 392. ) A stout Commander , haveing formerly in the Kings Service lost his leg , was notwithstanding for his great prudence , and courage made a Captain of a second Rate Ship , and being in the midst of an engagement a Canon bullet took off his wooden Supporter , so that he was constrained to fall ; the Seaman thinking he had lost his legs , cried , down with him to the Chirurgeon ; I want him not , I want him not , quoth he , but send me up to the Carpenter . ( 393. ) A Monsieur meeting the King of France's Jester , asked what news , why Sir , replied he , there are forty thousand man risen to day , I pray to what end , said the other , and what do they intend ? Why , said he , to go to bed again at night . ( 394. ) An Englishman and his wife lodging at a Frenchmans house , both so perfect children of their own countreys , that neither understood each other , it so fell out , that the Englishmans Wife cry'd out in the night ; whereupon he ran up-stairs to acquaint the Midwife ( who did lie above ) of his wifes condition , that being done , he went down to inform his Landlord and Landlady thereof ; standing by the bed side shivering in his shirt , for it was in a cold winter night , his Landlady pitying him said to her husband , Prithee , my dear , let the Englishman come into the bed to us and lie till day-light , since it is so cold , and that he cannot in civility return to his own chamber , you need not fear any thing since you are in bed with me ; her request was granted , and he lay down on the other side of the woman ; The Frenchman haveing tired himself by labour the day before , fell fast asleep ; the Englishmans snake presently grew warm , and crawled up the womans belly ; the motion of the bed awaked her husband , he called out Wife , what are you doing , what are you doing ? why what would you have me do , said she , if I should speak to him it would be to little purpose , for you know he understands not a word af our Language . ( 395. ) At the Battail of Newport the Prince of Orange haveing the Spanish Army before him , and the Sea behind him , said to his soldiers , Gentlemen , if you intend to live , thus must you do , either eat those Spaniards , or drink up this Sea. ( 396. ) When Metellus Nepos asked in a jeering way , the famous Roman Orator Cicero , who was his Father ? he replied , Thy Mother hath made that Question harder for thee to answer . ( 397. ) A Gentleman in Antwerp talking with a priest concerning Religion , asked , why they kissed the Cross more than any other piece of wood ; and what was there more in that than any other trees else , that they did not kiss them , Why , said the Priest , is not your wife made all of the same flesh and Bloud , and what is the reason that you do not kiss her backside , as well as her mouth . ( 398. ) Pope Alexander being accustomed highly to commend the Institution of the single life of priests , and to blame their useing of Concubines , was wont to say , God hath forbidden us to get Children , and the Devil hath given us Nephews . ( 399. ) A Spaniard and a Gascoign coming both to an Inn in France , found nothing ready , but a piece of Mutton , and a Partridge ; one would have the Partridge , and the other would have it ; and thereupon quarreling , the hostess perswaded them to eat it together , no that they would not ; but at last consented it should be kept for breakfast , and he that dreamed in the night the best dream , should have it . Whilst the Spaniard broke his sleep by studying a good dream , the Gascoign observing where the partridg was put , got up , and did eat it : in the morning betime they arose , and the Spaniard said , he dreamed the best dream in the world ; for , said he , me thought I saw the heavens open , and a Quire of angels with musick carried me to heaven . Then said the Gascoign , I dreamed I saw you so carried to heaven , and thinking you would never return , I arose in the night , and did eat the Partridge . ( 400. ) A Cordelier and a Jacobin haveing taken up one Inn together ; the next morning the Jacobin paid his reckoning , but the Cordelier supposing to have come off here , or else where , for a God a mercie , or a retribuet Deus , was forced by the Master of the house , who was a Protestant , to pay for what he had , by pawning some books , for the Jacobin refused to lend him a farthing . The next day travelling together , they came to a small river ; whereupon the poor Cordelier put off his Sandals , and holding up his gown , began to wade : the Jacobin being well apparell'd , and loath to spoil his fine Cloathes , call'd to the Cordelier to carry him over ; what will you give me then , quoth he ? said the other , I will redeem your books , and pay your charge at the next Inn ; so the Cordelier took him up on his back , and when he was in the deepest place of the water , the Cordelier asked the Jacobin if he had money enough to make good his promise ? yes that I have , said he , and thereupon chinkt his money in his pocket : the Cordelier hearing this , and finding a fit opportunity to be revenged , let him drop in the water , saying , Brother , you have done very ill to make me transgress my Orders , for you know , I am bound never to carrie anie money about me . ( 401. ) A Peasant haveing been with his Confessor told him that he had eaten Eggs that Lent , and was reproved for it ; forasmuch as Eggs made Chickens , Chickens Cocks , and Cocks Capons : a little while after this Confessor sent to him for some eggs , to set under an hen , and he sent them all boiled very hard , The Curat being ignorant thereof , set them under his hen , but finding in almost a months time no production , he broke one of them and found it hard , and so brake another , a third , a fourth , a fifth , till he had broken them all , and found them all as the first boiled . This so netled the Curate , that he instantly went to the Peasant to know the reason of this abuse ; the Peasant excused himself , saying , he knew not what he meant ; Why you fool , quoth the Curate , did you ever think that Chickens could be hatched out of hard Eggs ? Why Father , so you told me , said he , the last Lent ; for when I confessed to you that I had eaten eggs , you chid me , faying , Eggs made Chickens , Chickens Cocks , Cocks Capons : now if boiled Eggs , which I did eat , would ever have been Chickens , Cocks , and Capons ; How did I know but the boiled Eggs under your hen , would come to be so too . ( 402. ) A Countrey fellow seeing the Arch-Bishop of Cologn rideing in the fields with a great retinue compleatly armed , laught out aloud ; being ask'd his reason for so doing , he answered , Because he wondred that St Peter , Christs Vicar on earth , being exceeding poor , had left his successor so rich that his train should be more furnished with sword-men , than gown-men . The Arch-Bishop hearing this , and being willing that the Fellow should have better knowledg of him in his place , and dignity , told him , that he was not only Arch-Bishop , but a Duke also , and that as a Duke he rode with such an armed train of men , but when he was in Church , he was attended on as an Arch-Bishop , Sir , said this poor fellow , I pray tell me , when my Lord Duke shall be with the Devil , what will become of the Arch-Bishop . ( 403. ) A simple young man had a very great love to a young Maid , as he thought ; and that he might live with her quietly without wrangling hereafter , he thought of this expedient ; one day he told her , that it was his full intent to marry her , and to prevent future quarrels , he said , he would tell her all the secrets of his heart , that their Alliance might be stronger ; amongst many other things , he told her , that in the heat of bloud he had got a son , on a friend of his , which son was yet living , and desired her not to take it amiss : No , no , said she , I am very well pleased , and now , Sir , let me tell you , that a friend of mine got me with Child , and if you intend to fortifie our Alliance , it may be done with another marriage , that is between your Son , and my Daughter . ( 405. ) A Butchers Wife in Paris haveing been suspected by her husband to have Cuckolded him ; to free him in part of that jealousie , seemed very devout , and frequently went to confession . One day she went to her Confessor , who amongst many questions , ask'd her , Whether somtimes she had not a mind to the flesh ? Indeed , said she , I love flesh so well , that my mouth waters when ever I see a good bit , though it be in Lent ; but I hope you eat it not , said he , not for a World , said she , I but , said he , This is not the flesh I mean ; answer me , whether you ever had copulation with any besides your husband ; no indeed Father , said she , I never had collation with any but my husband . Then , said he , in plainer terms , had you never a desire to lie with another man ? I must confess , said she , I had a great mind to an Apothecaries Man , our next neighbour , but never did any thing ; for indeed the fool either would not , or could not understand my meaning , though it was as plain as a Pike-staff . Ah Sister , said the Confessor , you know the will is as good as the deed ; however for this time I will absolve you ; that being don , she dropt him a low courtesie , and said , Father , I am willing to send you a quarter of mutton ready roasted for supper , if you will take it in good part . He thanked her , and said he would . The Service of the great Mass being finished , he with a couple of his friends , whom he invited to Supper , came accordingly , but the Mutton came not , wherefore a Messenger was sent to the Butchers wife who told him , she had sent it already , he delivering his Message was sent back to assure her there was no such matter : The woman remembring the words of the Confessor , said , Friend go tell your Master , I had a good will to send it , but my husband would not let me ; now your master told me , we must take the will for the deed , and so he is like for me , and be as well content without the quarter of Mutton , as if he had recieved it . ( 405. ) At Calais there lived a young woman as famous for wit and beauty , as infamous for her debauchery : her husband was a very silly fellow , and though he knew of the dishonesty of his wife with several persons , yet he but mildly reproved her , fearing to do otherwise ; but still advised her for the future to lock the door against such Cuckold-makeing Rascals ; Alas sweet heart , said she , what will that signifie , since you know my Lock is such , that everie Key will fit it . ( 406. ) A Gentleman meeting one day with a Jester that belonged to the Duke of Rouen , ask'd him , what was his name ? My name , said he , is like my fathers . And what is his name ? Why his , quoth he , is like mine . Then what is both your names , said the Gentleman ? to which the Jester replied , One like another . ( 407. ) Two Shavelings ( aliàs Friars ) were in disputation , whether God had made more worlds than one ? the one of them alledged that passage in the Gospel , concerning the cleansing often Leapers , being Christs words , Annon decem facti sunt mundi ? the other haveing had recourse first to the text , answered him as learnedly with the words following , Sed ubisunt illi novem . ( 408. ) A French Jester being asked by one , how he should use Tobacco that it might do him good , he answered , You must keep a Tobacco shop , and sell it , for certainly there are none else find good in it . ( 409. ) He compared Women to Quich sands , which seemed firm , but if a man came upon them , he fell in over head and Shonlders . ( 410. ) He said , that Drawers and Tapsters should be men of great esteem , Because they are men not only of an high Calling , but also of a great reckoning . ( 411. ) One time seeing a tall man , he said , That for certain he must needs be a great Polititian , because he had an extraordinary reach . ( 412. ) A person drunk one day , railing at him , he told the Company he mattered not any thing what he said in his cups , For he spake nothing that he could stand to . ( 413. ) That Painters were cunning Fellows , for they had a colour for what ever they did . ( 414 ) A Gentleman going by water with his friend , fell into some Discourse , which the busie Waterman understanding , Put in for a share in their discourse ; one of the Gentlemen being angry hereat , told him , he was a saucy busie fellow , in that he must have an Oar in every mans Boat , and bade him hold his tongue ; but he continueing his babling , I protest , said the Gentleman , as they were in the middle of the Thames , If thou dost not hold thy tongue the sooner , I will knock thy head and the wall together . ( 415. ) 'T was at first when the fashion of gray Freeze came up amongst the Gentry , especially for rideing Suits , that a Wise-acre considering that it was then Ala mode , asked if there were no black of that colour , for he had a mind to have a coat of it . ( 416. ) After the sad and dismal Fire in London , when nothing was left standing , but ruines , one passing by as they were pulling down a wall ; Have a care , have a care , cries he to the Labourers , for I see the Foundation just tumbling on your heads . ( 417. ) One sitting at Supper his Cat past to and fro through his arms , brushing her tail against his mouth , this so offended him , that in a rage he cuts off the tip of her tail , saying , I think now Mrs. Puss , I have given you an Ear-mark : For the present the cat absented her self , but the next day came again according to her wonted manner ; whereupon in a fury , says he , Why , how now you troublesome Bitch are you come again , I thought I had given you your Break-fast last night . ( 418. ) A Mechanick in the late licentious times , when every fordid Tradesman took a freedome to prate what he would instead of preaching ; I say this fellow usurping the pulpit , would needs be in his comparisons , said he , The wicked keep company and flock together as beasts , birds and fishes : The Whoremasters keep one another company , as Goats on the mountains : The whorish , Babylonish Priests keep company , as Rooks , Daws and Crows , seperate themselvs , so do Drunkards meet together in numbers , accompanying each other even as the white Herrings swim together by themselvs , and the Red Herrings by themselvs . ( 419. ) One of the Vergers of the Kings Chappel ( a noted Bull-maker ) meeting his God-Son , ask'd him , whither he was going ? To school , said the boy : That 's well done , said he , there is a tester , be a good boy and follow thy book , and I hope I shall live to hear thee preach my Funeral Sermon . ( 420. ) A Countrey Attorney lying in Grays Inn Lane over against the Gate , left one day ( as it is usual ) a note in his door , to signifie where he was gone , but the contents of this note were very unusual : for thus he writ , I am gone to the Grays Inn Walks Tavern , if you cannot read what here is written , carry it over the way to a Stationers , and he will do it for you . ( 421. ) It is reported of a Mayor of an Inland Town in the West countrey , in the time of the Civil wars , calling his Brethren together to consult the safeguard of the town , from the injury of the approaching Enemy , said , Brethren let us seperate our selvs together , and let us with great inconsideration endeavour to fortifie the Town ; in short , it is my opinion , that there is nothing more to be done , but to make the Walls Navigable . ( 422. ) Two travelling over Shot over hill to Oxford , said one , this Shot over hill is a fine place for a wind-mill ; I said the other if there were any probability of forcing water hither , ( 423. ) A Traveller swore , that in the Deserts of Arabia he had seen an Unicorn with two horns . ( 424. ) Many dineing together at one Ordinary , made a match to play at bowles , but one would play but two shillings Rubbers ; Before I will play for so little , said the other , I will sit down and walk horses . ( 425. ) One coming into an Inn , ask'd the host , how long he had lived there , not three days yet , Sir , said he , the other pausing a while , ask'd , how many Barrels he drew a week . ( 426. ) One falling from his horse , and pitching on his head , ran amongst a company of people standing by , And swore his neck was broken , ( 427. ) One said , he would never endure the Moon again , for , said he , the Quean served me a slippery trick in faith the other night ; for she did light me along very well till I came to a Ditch , and then slipping behind a cloud , she let me fall in . ( 428. ) One being desired to sit down to dinner , said , I thank you kindly , but I can eat nothing , for I have had a long time no more stomach than an horse . ( 429. ) One seeing a large fat Bull , said , I wish I might have a pair of that Bulls Cow-heels when she is kill'd . ( 430. ) King James lying sick , one prayed that he might raign as long as the Sun and the Moon should endure , and the Prince his Son after him . STORIES . Pleasant and True The Comical Revenge . IN Poictiers in France a Nobleman owing a considerable summ of Money , his Creditors were resolved to Arrest him , let it cost them ever so much ; they soon met with a fellow for their purpose , one who was as impudent as Valiant , for he would venture upon the greatest difficulty . One day he met with this Lord , and boldly coming up to him , told him what he was , and his business ; the Lord made no resistance , but smothering his displeasure and revenge bid the Serjeant come along with him ( it being about noon ) he said , he would first dine , and then consider what was to be done . The Lord went to a Cabaret , or Tavern , and having bespoke dinner he privately sent away for some of his Servants and then fell into discourse with this Serjeant , who began to mistrust some mischief ensuing , and therefore made a thousand simple excuses for enterprising that bold attempt ; the Lord said little to him till he had din'd and then he called to one of his Gentlemen to bring him a pair of Sissers , being brought , go now said he , and pair that fellows nails very close , pointing to the Serjeant ; he seeing there was no avoiding it , patiently endured it , allthough the Gentleman cut his Nails to the very quick : this being done , the Lord came to him , saying , Now , Sir I am assured you cannot scratch me , and I am resolved you shall not be able to bite me neither , so forcing him into a Chair he caused his Teeth to be drawn out one by one ; Now , Sir , ( said he ) have a care of abusing the next time any of my rank and quality ; yet now , Sir , I will be kind to you aster all this , I will sweeten your sauce for you ; so causing him to be stript stark-naked , he commanded Honey to be brought , with which he annointed him all over , and roll'd him in Feathers : never did African Monster appear so strange and ridiculous ; Lastly , he caused a Label to be fixt to his back , wherein were written these words , This is Anti-Christ . Now said the Noble-man , I shall take my leave of you , not without extending my Civility farther in your behalf , I doubt you may be indisposed , and therefore you shall ride home ; hereupon this Poor Devil in Feathers was mounted , with his Hands tyed behind him , and his Face towards the Tail of his Horse , and so led through the Streets to the great wonder and laughter of the People . The Mercer transform'd into a Lord. A Nobleman of France did very lately fall in love with a Citizens Wife of Paris , and left no means unattempted till he had made her all compliance : This Lord being one day at Court saw the Husband of this Female Friend come into the Palace Royal , and by enquiry found that his business would not quickly be dispatcht , whereupon away he slunk out of the Court , and got privately ( as he thought ) into the house of this Citizen , but it seems he was discovered by this Citizens Brother , who detested the debauchery of his Sister , and therefore presently dispatcht away a Messenger to Court to acquaint his Brother what unhappily he had discovered . The Citizen presently takes his Alarm , and thinking his feet too slow , took Coach and drove Jehulike , to hinder what was allready past prevention . His Wife hearing a Coach come in that Furious manner to her door , imagin'd she was betray'd , and therefore advised the Lord that was in bed with her to rise and abscond himself in a place she had provided , in case any such discovery should happen : hearing as he thought some body coming up stairs , for hast left his Cloaths on the bed , which shee seeing , in as great haste and confusion , threw them into a Chest , but so unadvisedly , that the embroidered sleeve of the Doublet hung ôut , of which she took no notice , but fell to dressing her self as little concern'd , as if she had no more harm in her than in a little Female Devil newly arrived at the Teens . Her Husband entring the Chamber , said , Madam , I understanding that my Lord came to visit you this morning , I thought he might also have some business of great importance to whisper in my ear , and this made me return sooner than you expected . The Gentlewoman confidently replyed , that he was mis-informed , for there had no body been with her that day . Her Husband looking about the Room espied the Lords embroydered sleeve hang out of the Chest , and ask't whose it was , and how it came thither , this subtle Woman , who like the rest of her sex , never wants an excuse in time of extremity , replyed , ( but trembling ) Sweet heart , I beg your pardon , for my forgetfulness ; A Gentlewoman , wanting money brought it me to shew you , desiring to have but forty Crowns lent upon it ; let mee see it ( said he ) and looking upon it presently knew whose it was , and without discovering any passion , pull'ed off his own Coat , and put on that Embroydered with Gold ; when he had so done , come come said he , I must examin your Wardrobe , and looking into the Chest found what appertaïn'd thereunto , as Hat , Cravat , Breeches , &c. which he took up and habited himself therewith from top to toe ; being thus gallantly , nay , nobly attired , he struts to and fro the Chamber , admiring himself in his Walk , and when he had left off adoreing himself , said he , now prethee Wife tell me , don't I look like a Lord ? have not I his very Mein ? I cannot believe but I am one now ; do thou believe so to , and we shall hug one the other oftner ; but all this while I pitty the poor Gentleman that owns them , for doubtless he hath been at Play to Night , and losing all , is forced to deposit his Garments , and is it may be now acold for his heat of Fancy . This Noble-man being in a strange confusion , knew not what to do , nor say ; at length collecting a little courage , she had the confidence to say , Sir , you strangely impose upon me ; for why is it not as Lawful for me to go to the Court of Aids , as for you to go so often to the Exchange ? No , replyed he , since you have fitted me for the Court , I 'le no more to the Exchange ; and thereupon instantly went down stairs , and calling for a Coach , ordered the Coach-man to drive him instantly to the Palace Royal , where dismounting , he betook himself to the long Gallery , where the Nobility usually frequented , at his approach , the Eyes of all the Court were upon him , every one wondering what this Fine thing should be , after several opinions were spent upon him , it was concluded by the most , that as he was a stranger , he could by his habit be no less than a Nobleman ; at length a Courtier , drawing near to Caress and Complement this Noble stranger , looking steadfastly in his face , knew him , and cryed out aloud , O the Devil , is it you Mr. Coquelineux ; and thereupon made all the haste from him he could to inform his Majesty first , of a strange sight was newly come to Court , viz. his Mercer as fine as any Lord. His Majesty commanded him to be brought in , which was as the other designed and desired . At first sight the King knew the Person , and to whom those fine Cloathes properly belong'd , and was strangely surprized at the sight of both so improperly conjoyn'd . At length says the King , Coquelineux , prythee thy meaning for this thy phantastical appearance : wouldst thou by this Garb ( because I am in thy Books ) perswade me to make thee what thou dost personate ? Though I owe thee Money , yet I owe thee no such hnnour ; besides , if thou wouldst only barely represent a Lord , thou art mistaken in the time , for this is no day of State. The Mercer heard his Majesty with great attention , and perceiving an Answer was expected , replyed , May it please your Majesty , my intent of coming hither , was to no other end then to restore to the right owner his due . This splendid Suit with the appurtenances I found in my Wives Chamber , and discovered where she had laid them by the sleeve of this embroydered Coat hanging out of the Chest carelesly : upon a full view , I askt whose they were ; she very ingeniously told me , A Gentlewoman brought them to her to shew to me , to know how much I would lend upon them , but I mistrusting they may be stoln from some person of Quality , thought fit to put them on , and walk publickly at Court , for by that means the right owner may come to a better knowledg of his goods by sight , than any discription . The King could not forbear laughing heartily to see so much seeming honesty , and simplicity in his Mercer ; and that which added to his further mirth was the consideration of what a condition the Lord was in , whom he concluded to be left without Garments : now that his Majesty might not lose so brave an opportunity for delight , he caused two Pursuivants to be sent immediatly to the Mercer's House , and there search for this Noble-man , and , if found , to bring him instantly to Court , sans all excuse of going any where else . This Lord fearing some such design , thought any delay dangerous in staying , cloath'd himself in the habit of the Mercer , and as an assistance to his disguise , he put on a black Gown which he found hanging up , which belong'd to a Doctor of Physick then lying in the House ; and in this Equipage thinking to go home undiscovered , as he was sneaking out of the doors he was met by the Pursuivants , who knowing him by his Countenance , told him in few words , what his Majesty had commanded them , and that without excuse or delay he must instantly appear before His Majesty : he seeing there was no avoiding it went ( not without great disorder in his thoughts ) with the Officers . The King and several of the Nobles seeing this Lord in such an Antique dress , fell into such a Laughter , that they utterly forgot the civility that was due to the Royal Presence ; The King having laught his sides sore , had at last leisure to say ; how now Cozen , whence came you ? the Nobleman , who was very facetious , presently replyed , from Hell I think an 't please your Majesty , for I came from a bottomless pit : Indeed ( said the King ) by your Garb you look as if you had been a Conjuring somewhere . You are in the right Sir ( said the Lord ) for I can assure your Majesty this Morning I raised the Devil , and laid his Damm : in short , I will tell your Majesty the whole Truth ; a Friend of mine was in a high Fever , and wanted a cooling Clyster , and would have Noe one to administer it but my self : I pittying her condition , in compliance to her desires performed this Morning the part of a Charitable Physitian . The King by these words very well understood what his Cozen had been doing , and in railery checkt him : saying , indeed you are to blame to give any Woman Physick without the consent of her Husband ; for the time to come forbear such practices , if for no other cause than to shun making such a Metamorphosis as you have done already : for see there , a Mercer chang'd into a Lord , and here a Lord changed into a Conjurer ; and so dismist them , allotting the Mercer that gorgeous Suit in part of satisfaction of the wrong he had received , whilst the others shame was a sufficient punishment . A French Noble-man Cuckolded by his Servants , IT is customary among the Nobility , and persons of great quality in France to lye in Chambers apart from those of their Ladies . Now there was a Lord ( shall be at present nameless ) who notwithstanding his Lady was as eminent a Beauty as most was in France , yet he must ( forsooth ) follow the humour of the Countrey ; now when at any time he had a desire to enjoy the sweet embraces of his lovely consort , rising from his own bed he would steal out in the dark in his Shirt , making no noise , and knocking at his Ladies Chamber dore softly , she knowing his custome gave him admittance ; now besides the Mode , he had another reason ( as he said ) to approve thereof , because it lookt so like whoring . Having performed the necessary and obliging duty of the Marriage Bed , he returned to his own Chamber there to spend the residue of the Night in an undisturbed repose . One of this Lord 's Valet de Chambre's taking notice of this humour , concluded that he might have the same admittance into his Ladies Chamber , and participate of the same Pleasures by the same means his Masters humour had inculcated into his thoughts . Upon a serious consultation with himself , he concluded that Night best for the accomplishing his Design , in which his Master had visited his Lady ; about an hour after he resolved to put his lustful Project in Practice ; which he did so well by imitation that he got entrance : Your own thoughts may inform you how they spent the time , without my putting the modest to the extravagant expence of blushes . All I shall say is , That this Fellow performed his part so vigorously and so often , that when he went from her , he left her all wonder and amazement : and that which encreas'd her admiration was not only his profound silence , although she urged him to speak to her with all the melting Rhetorick she could devise , but the coming of her busband twice as she supposed ; whilst she was thus ruminating with her self being left alone , her Husband stimulated more than ordinary by some provocatives he had taken the day before , comes and with his acustomed knock and whisper demanded entrance , she knowing her Lords voice arose and let him in ; as he was about to prosecute his accustomed enjoyment , his Lady begg'd him to forbear , urging that he was much to blame to be so inordinate in his desires : what ( said she ) Could not you my Lord ( since you find so great an alteration ) be content to have out done your self this night by so many repetitions , but that you must again expose your body ; to the injury of the cold in so short a time again and coming a third time , in less than two hours ? Nay , nay sweet-heart this is but twice , you wrong me indeed said he : To which she replyed , That she was not mistaken , for assuredly it was so often . Hereupon this Gentleman began to pause upon it ; and from what he had already heard and gathered from other circumstances he verily believed that he had been abused by one of his Servants ; but kept all close from his Lady ( for she was a vertuous Gentlewoman ) to avoid the ill consequences such a discovery might produce . Having laid a while ( in which time he studied to divert his Lady as he could ) he got up , and being come into his own Chamber he could not rest there long , but putting on his Breeches and a Gown went into all his Male servants Chambers that were about him , making , along as he went , a strict enquiry with his Nose in every Bed , for it seems this Lady was well sented . There was one of whom he at length might have some grounds of suspition ; becanse , besides his complection which never fail'd of ardent inclination to the Female Sex , he was both a handsome and a very subtle Fellow , but he could not tell which Bed he lay in ; by chance groping up and down in the dark he found his Bed , and pulling up the Cloathes smelt a perfume he was very well acquainted with ; and from thence judged this must be the Rogue that had done him this dishonour ; wherefore that he might be sure to know him the next day , he took out of his Pocket a pair of Sizers , and snipt off one of his Whiskers , for then it was the Fashion to wear them . This Fellow was awke , and by this knew very well his Master , and his Design , first by smelling , and then by marking him , that he might be known the next day , to prevent which as soon as his Master was gone , he instantly starts up ; and going into all the Chambers aforesaid , cuts off ( from every one that had any ) that Whisker that was on the same side of the Mouth that his was on , and returns to his own Bed. The Servants getting up next morning , and seeing each others right Whisker gone , stood staring one upon another like so many distracted Bedlamites , not knowing what to say , or whom to accuse . In short , one that was known sufficiently to be an arch Rogue was suspected , and thereupon some of the more passionate fell upon him and abused him most pitifully , others took his part , by which means they were all engaged by the Ears ; at the noise hereof the whole House was alarmed , and running to see what was the matter , they were so surprized with the strangeness of such a Comical sight , that laying aside all respect to their Lord and Lady , they laught beyond measure . Sure it must be very pleasant to see two such contrary Passions , in one entire Company , proceeding from one and the same cause . These poor Semi-barbarians finding themselves laught at by their fellows , whom they observed not so abused as they were , imagining them the Plotters of this mischief , and without examining whether it was so or no , diverted the quarrel among themselves upon the others . Now did the Combat begin afresh , with more eagerness than before , which caused one to run and tell the Lord , that there was a Civil War Commenced among his Servants , and that if he came not quickly and decided the Controversie their fury would utterly leave him destitute of his present Attendance . Hereupon his Lordship commanded a Cessation of Arms , & commanded they should come before him ; and having cleansed themselves from the Blood , each Face by Fighting had contracted ; ( for as they then were , one Face could hardly be distinguisht from the other ) they appeared before their Lord in the great Hall. In the mean time he ordered his Lady to be there . Upon the appearance of the men , my Lord and Lady were possest with the same different Passions as their Servants were ; for the first was in a Fury to see that Traitor who had abused him ; whilst the other fell into the greatest laughter imaginable ; after a little time the half Whiskers made a bitter complaint against the whole whiskers , as to the injury they had sustained in the abuse of their beards ; the Defendants alledged that they were guiltless of the Fact , and that for their good will in coming to part them they were Assaulted by them . To end the Controversie , in short , said my Lord , it was I that cut off one Whisker , whosoever is the owner thereof I will have his Head off too for an irreparable injury he hath done me ; their former passion was now converted into another of that for fear , so that now their Knees wag'd more then their Hands before ; look here ( said my Lord ) whose remaining Whisker matcheth this in Colour , he is the Subject of my revenge . Hereupon Carrats fell on his knees , and beg'd his Pardon , confessing the whole Truth ; for this witty indeavour of concealment he gave him his Life with the loss of his Ears , and delivered him over to the abused Semiwhiskers who got a blanket and tost him so long in Revenge , that they had like to tost his bones out of his skin , as well as him out of his Lordships service . A mad Wooer well fitted . ONE Wooing a Widow , more to satisfie his Friends , than to oblige his own inclinations told her , that he had three qualities which she must be acquainted with before he married her . The first was , when he went abroad , and returned home he should be angry without a cause ; Secondly , he must eat his meat alone ; And Thirdly , that he should lye with her but once a Month. If this be all ( said she ) I care not ; for as to the first , whereas you say , you shall be angry without a cause , I will take care to give you cause enough , never fear . And for the second in eating your Meat alone , do and spare not ; but it shall be after I have din'd . And as for you Lying with me but once a Month , take your course ; if you will not , another shall , for in that time , I shall have a Months mind to another . A great noise to little purpose . IN the latter end of Queen Elizabeths Reign , there was a great rumour of an Invasion , whereupon great numbers of Horse and Foot were rais'd about London , insomuch , that the whole Kingdom was terribly affrighted ; but all coming to nothing , a Countrey Gentleman then in the City askt his Friend , to what end was all that Mustering in London and Middlesex . To what end ( quoth the other ? ) why to Mile-End ; for there was the general Muster . And to what end were so many Barges , and Liters sent down to block up the Thames ? To what end ? why tho Gravesend , quoth the other . I but said the Gentleman to what end was the great hurley-burley by Land and Water ? To what end ( quoth the other ? ) why in troth as far as I understand to no end at all . The Amorous Contest . THE Duke of Lerma used , by way of Magnificency and State , when he washt before Dinner , to give a Ring to him that held the Bason , and another to him that held the Ewer : One time above the rest , having a Diamond Ring on his Finger , he made this publick proposition , that whosoever of the Company could relate the saddest story in Love Affairs should have the Ring : whereupon a Gentleman there present undertook the task , and thus began . May it please your Grace to understand ; that I a long time served two Mistresses , of different Form and Feature , the one as foul as the other fair ; the one loved me , whom out of meer gratitude I was obliged to show some respect ; the other hated me as much , as I lov'd the other beyond expression . Being utterly destitute at last of all hope and Comfort , I dedicated my whole time to solitude , which in a little time brought on me a desperate Fever , which in the opinion of my Physitians would not end , but with my Life . The report hereof coming to my cruel fair ones ear , made her come to visit me , who seeing to what weakness I was reduced , smothered no longer her flame ( having for some Reasons hitherto , concealed her soft Passion ) but professed how endearedly she lov'd me , and how sorry she was her coyness had brought me to this condition . No Cordial could so revive my Spirits , neither Julip so allay my unnatural heat , as did these sweet and melting expressions , so that in a short time I recovered my strength . Her Father hearing of her Love , vow'd to cross it , and thereupon lockt her up from my sight ; but finding ( do what he could ) that we privately conveighed Letters to one another ; he animated my Rival to fight me : In short we fought , and by the happy Influence of Heaven , I gained the Victory with my Rival's Death : Now the Law of my Countrey being very severe against Duels , I was forced to flye , hoping in time my friends would procure my Pardon . But now to make my Misery compleat , the cruel Father of my Mistress forced her in my absence to Marry an old Count his Neighbour , the Corruption of whose Body rendred him fitter fer a Grave than a Marriage Bed. Now , if your Grace do judge my Calamity can receive addition , and that my Afflictions lay not claim to your Ring ▪ be pleased to bestow it on some more wretched than my self . He had no sooner ended his Speech , but another thus began . Great Prince , I Must begin my mournful Story where this Gentleman ends his . He received at once , both a Pardon for the Murther and a Letter from his Mistris to make haste into her imbraces ; the Count her Husband being gone a long Journey , he desired me to Associate him in this pleasing journey , and I willingly yielded to his invitation . Arriving at the Old Count's Castle his Mistress met him with the same joy , and gladness with which the Spring the Sun doth entertain . Long did their Kisses interrupt their Speech , which at length brake out into unfained protestations , how much their past miseries had indeared each to other . When they had chatted their fill , to Supper we went , which finisht , a Banquet succeeded , ravishing both to Eye and Palat. This ended , one comes in , and whispering the Lady in the Ear , she instantly chang'd Colour , and cry'd out , she was undone for ever , unless I did her one friendly Office , which should eternally engage her to me ; having told her , I desired no greater honour than to dye in her Service , she then inform'd me , that the old Count her Husband was returned , and newly gone to Bed being very weary and expected her coming . Now Sir , said she , not daring to trust any of my Maids , with the Secret of my Friend 's being here , but you and my Sister , do me the favour about an hour hence to put on one of my Coives , and one of my Smocks and go to bed to my Husband who without doubt will be asleep before you come ; if he be not , all he will do is but to hug you about the middle or kiss you , for other dalliance you need not fear him ; besides Age hath not yet brusht your Chin , so that it seems to me as smooth as mine ; by this means shall I and my dearest beloved own all the fruition of loloves delights to you alone . In short , Sir , I was not only attentive , but obedient to her request , and into the supposed Bed of the old Count I went , where I was no sooner laid , but I heard him breath , and felt him stir and move towards me , whereat I shrunk away to avoid his loath some touch ; but he mov'd still onwards , and I farther , and farther , till I lay half naked out of bed . In the morning as I was shrinking out of Bed to be gone , on a suddain my Friend and the Countess came dancing into the Chamber , he in his Shirt , and she in her Smock : my Soul hereat was strangely divided betwixt fear and wonder , fear of my own detection , and amazement at their boldness , thinking that excess of pleasure had made them run distracted . At length coming to the Bed-side drawing the Curtains , each of them with a Tapour in their hand shewed me the most lamentable and unpardonable errour that ever man committed , for instead of the old rotten Count , there lay by me the Sister of the Countess , who for sprightful youth , and charming beauty Nature never yet produced her like ▪ Now , when with the highest admiration I beheld this Miracle of her Sex , and what a Heaven of happiness I , by mistake , had lost . I hardly could refrain from laying violent hands on my self : my friend reaped his enjoyments , which I am never like to do ; for being forced to leave the Castle in a very little time after I heard she is removed I know not wither , so that I must now languish and dye in the Tyranny of restless desire . This Spech being ended , the Duke confessed that they both deserved much , but he questioned whether the Counts Sister deserved not as Much as both , nay , more , for she knew who was in Bed with her , and knowing her self so near a good turn and miss it , aggravates vexation to the very height , and therefore said , the Ring to her did properly belong . Purgatory . THe Pope gave a Priest a Silver Bason and indued it with this vertue , that whosoever dropt a French Crown into it , or to that value , his Friends Soul should instantly upon the sound of it be delivered out of Purgatory . In the Town where the Priest liv'd dwelt a mad debauch'd fellow , whose Uncle had left him a good estate . To him this priest came , and offer'd for a French Crown to free his Uncles Soul from Purgatory . The young man replyed , it was a reasonable proposition , whereupon he took out a Crown , and dropt it into the Bason , then askt the Priest if his Uncles Soul was yet out of Purgatory ? I dare lay upon my life it is freed , said the Priest ; which words were no sooner said , but the young man took up his mony again , and put it into his pocket , wherat the Priest displeased said , if you take your mony again , his Soul will again enter into Purgatory . Nay said the young man there is no fear of that , for if my Uncle be as obstinate an old Knave , dead , as he was , living , if he-be once out all the ▪ Devils in Hell cannot get him in again . The Cheater Cheated . A Comly Matronly Woman ( whom I shall forbear to nominate ) lately lived in the Burrough of Southwark , who wanting things necessary both for the Ornament of the body , and furniture of a house , held a long consultation with her self how she might effect her desires by a well contrived credit . Many plots she laid , but found none of them firm enough to build the structure of her designed advantage , till she chanced to hit upon this stratagem . She had a Daughter which was more hansome than honest , and much more witty than wise , in short , both Mother & Daughter were as right as my leg , and as good as ever twang'd . These two consulting together , concluded thus , that they should in the first place change their habitation , but before they did it , the Daughter went to one of the Devils Factors , alias a Tally-man ( with whom she was acquainted ) and took up all the Materials belonging to man's Apparel , which she said was for her Husband , who was returned home to receive what pay was due to him for serving his Majesty by Sea , against the Hollander . She told her story so plausibly , expressing so much joy for his escape , and what great advantages were like to accrue to her by the Valour of her Husband , that the Tally-man did not only trust her with a Suit of mans apparel , but furnisht her self with many necessary things she wanted . Being laded with credit , home she came , and having removed all their goods to a place convenient for their future projects , the old Gentlewoman plaid the changling with her sex , by throwing off her Female weeds , and cloathing her self , in every respect like a man ; the young Baggage for a while pretended her Mother was lately dead , and that being left to the wide world , she knew not what course to steer for want of advice ; there was a young man who belonged to the Sea , did court her , but she was fearful of engaging ; she at length and that in a little time had so wrought upon the affections of divers of the Neighbours , partly by her good face and notable smooth tongue , that they undertook not only to advise but assist her . Whereupon understanding that her Sweet-heart lay as a Lodger in her house , some of them came to enquire into his estate , and being very well satisfied therein , they then inquired into his resolution of marrying this young woman , he protested he loved her before any in the World , and if she would they should be marryed the next day , it was agreed upon , and accordingly the Mother in a Masculine habit went to Church where they were marryed according to form ; great was the jollity that day , and night approaching they went to bed together , but without any hopes of reaping the sweet enjoyment of a Marriage bed , but by a dream or the strength of imagination . The next day their mirth increased , neither was there any diminution of it for one whole week . Having spent time enough in reioicing , they now pretended to mind their business , the one for the house and the other abroad , who carryed her business so craftily , that she was not in the least suspected to be any other than she seemed to be , for she was a Woman of an undannted Spirit , and having a nimble Tongue and quick invention , she had learned to bounce and huff with any Bully-Ruffin in the Strand , Holbourn , or Convent-garden ; besides as a further qualification to that boystrous occupation , she could Smoak , Drink , and Swear with any Damme , within twenty miles of London ; but when she returned home , and was amongst her Neighbours , she always wore the Vizor of temperance and sobriety , never Swearing , nor seldom Drinking more but what might be the Oyl to cheerfulness and hilarity . Having gotten the good opinion of her Neighbours , she was now resolved to make use of their Purses , which she might easily do , by pretending she had a great deal of mony due from the Navy office , and which she had not received , but should speedily ; and to confirm their belief shewed them several counterfeit Tickets . This so wrought with some , that they lent her mony , and though not every one much , yet many a little makes a Mickle . Having enriched themselves with the spoils of others , and not daring to stay any longer in that place , they secretly removed and took a house remote from the former to prevent discovery ; in this house they intended to sell all sorts of Liquors for the entertainment of men , and Women , and therefore the old one thought it requisite to appear in a Garb suitable to that profession , which was very plain , and that she might possess the People with an Opinion that she was ( as so drest ) an innocent harmless Cuckold she behaved her self so simply to her supposed Wife , that every one jndged him what he seemed , and thereupon made addresses to the young one at such convenient times as the old one went abroad on purpose , or was more than ordinary busie below ; by this means they had a very great Trade , especially by that Venery which was winkt at as aforesaid ; in this manner they continued a good while , and I have been credibly informed , that the Mother , ( and supposed Husband to her own Daughter ) when she had a desire to the same satisfactions she had pimpt for her Daughter , she would put on her own Female Habit , and sitting in the house as a customary Plyer , the Daughter frequently by way of a kind return , did play ▪ the Bawd for the Mother so long till they were apprehended , for keeping a disorderly house , and being carryed to a justice upon Examination were found guilty of what was alledged against them and so were committed to Bridewell , the Keeper viewing the Faces of them both very strictly imagin'd he had seen before the Face of the elder which personated the man , but could not for the present tell where ; at length he verily believed she had been formerly under his Jurisdiction , hereupon he seized her doublet , and striping it open , found by lier Breasts what he had suspected ; the former Justice was informed hereof , who sent for them both to appear before him , upon further examination the seeming man was found to be only a lusty woman , and Mother to that young woman she had marryed ; likewise it was proved against the young woman that she had frequently drest her self in mans apparel to enjoy her Amours with the greater security abroad , for which , they were both sent back again to Bridewell , where they were severely lasht for their cheating Metamorphosis . The Innocent Acceit . A Person being very Rich , was likewise oftentatious and very peevish , a Daughter he had was tolerably handsom , and was intirely beloved by a Country Gentleman , of no mean Estate , having gained the young Gentlemomans consent , he acquainted her Parents with the Love he bore their Daughter , who no sooner heard it , but were in a great Passion , their ambition judging him too mean a Fortune , and therefore not only refused his offer , but very uncivilly forbade him the House : saying , Moreover , that if it should be their misfortune , and his imaginary happiness to steal a Marriage and rob them of their Daughter , he would never give them a farthing . He obeyed their commands in that , but resolved notwithstanding that he would see his Mistress whatever came on 't ; Love soon found out a way to effect it , at which interview he told her what had past between him , and her Parents , and the refusal of the Match proposed ; she seemed exceedingly troubled hereat , and wept bitterly , the other to comfort her , swore if she would be constant , he would never forsake her ; and to shew the reality and integrity of his Affection offer'd to Marry her immediatly , she consented , and being married with all convenient speed , they performed the rights of Hymen , and sent her home to her Fathers House , desiring her not to take any Notice of what had past , and since the time of their being together was so short the Old ones could not suspect any thing A few days after this new married Gentleman got his ( supposed Maiden ) Wife into his company , and having repeated his former delights , he told her , he would go into the Country , giving her directions where to send to him , and that if she proved with Child , and that her Parents should discover it , as that they would quickly do , that then she should dissemble the greatest grief imaginable , and when pressed very much to discover the Father , she should then confess it was such a one , who had formerly made Love to her but her Parents would not accept of the Motion ; as for the rest said he , leave the whole management to me . Upon this they parted , and she proved with Child according to his expectation . The Mother perceiving the frequent Pewkings of her Daughter , with the swelling of her Belly , took her into a private place and there conjured her to tell her the naked Truth , whether she was no with Child ? The Daughter with many sighs and teais , confessed that she was , and that such a Gentleman living in the Country had done it : The Mother like a Woman distracted , first lockt up her Daughter , and then ran to her Husband , and calling him aside , told him of the shame and Infamy that had befallen his Family , and by whom ; this unexpected news made him ten times madder than his Wife ; but at length they both concluded that it was but a folly , either to rave or rail at their Daughter , but to study some means to sauder up the rack of their Daughters Honour . No better expedient was thought on , but to write to the Gentleman and acquaint him with what he had don , requiring satisfaction ; this Letter was sent , and another returned by him in Answer thereunto ; to this effect , That it is true he had lain with their Daughter , but he knew not whether he got her with Child , for she that can dispence with being a Whore to one , will be so to another . In short he concluded , that he had no more to say than this , That if she would be so impudent , to lay the Child to him he must maintain it , but as for her part , he had nothing to say to her , for he had already over-paid her that little pleasure , he had purchased of her . This return netled them to the heart , and they sho'wd it their Daugter with all the opprobrums that can be uttered . The poor young woman replied not a word , supplying her speech with nougt but sighs and tears . The old people grieved at this , sent down a milder Letter , requesting the favour , that he would be pleased to come up to London for they had some business extraordinary with him , tending much to his advantage . He sent them word , that he had extraordinary businefs where he was , and that he neither could , or would stir from it . As the Belly swell'd , so did their sorrow , fearing there was no remedying the cause thereof . Yet upon another consultation the Daughter told her Father , that before ever she consented he promised her Marriage ; this made the old Gentleman caper , Nay them said he we are well enough ; immediately calling for Pen , Ink , and Paper he wrote another Letter , charging the Gentleman home with his Promise sometimes threatening him , if he made it not good , and then sweetning him again , &c. beseeched him to make a journey up . This Gentleman ( seeing it high time to condescend to what he most desired ) sent word by such a day he would ( if in health ) infallibly be in London , to no other end , than to understand his will and pleasure . The Gentleman is as good as his Word , a stately Dinner is provided with plenty of Wine , and the Cloath being taken away , there was no other discourse , than how to salve up their Daughters Credit by a speedy Marriage , and as an incouragement they would give him a Thousand pounds : He slighted it , alledging further ( with a Sir-reverence to the company , ) he would never , sh — in his own Hat , and then clap it on his head ; as they advanced he more and more slights their proposals , saying that an Estate of two hundred a year deserves a greater Portion ; at length they offered him two Thousand Pounds , to be paid immediately , he accepts of it with this Proviso , that upon the Birth of the Child their Daughter now goes with , there shall be paid more , five hundred Pounds : it is agreed to , and the Parents were so eager and sollicitous in the preservation of the Honour of their House that they would needs have the Marriage consummated immediately , the Country Gentleman agreed thereunto , and presently sent away for the same Parson that married them ; who being desired by the Parents to joyn those two together in Matrimony , he smiled , and said , Sir , that is needless , for I have done it already ; How said the Old Gentleman ? 't is very true replyed the Son-in-law , and for Confirmation , see here the Certificate before your Daughter was with Child ; and so she is no Whore , but an honest Wife ▪ Nay then said the Old Gentleman I see I am gull'd , but since it is no worse , and that our Family is not defamed , I will make the odd Five hundred a Thousand pounds , and so God bless you together . The French-man & the Baker's wife . A Frenchman not long since took a Lodging near a Baker , who though poor , yet very rich in having so handsom a Woman to his Wife , and was never blemisht in her reputation by any light deportment . This Frenchman presently had her in his Eye , and courted her importunitely , and expensively , but to no purpose ; Treats proving ineffectnal , he offered her Fifty Guinney's if she would permit him to lye with her all night , she refused it , but privately told her Husband what Monsieur had offered her , and upon what account ; the Baker scratcht his head not knowing what to do ; Poverty perswaded on the one side , and love hindred on the other from acceping this proffer ; at length said he , dearest , there is a way to be thought on to save thy chastity , and yet we will have his money , and that is thus : I will pretend to go out of Town such a day , then do you upon the condition aforesaid promise Monsieur his satisfaction the night following , in the mean time , you know Tow — the Cobler , a stout fellow , him will I engage with five pounds to assist me , we will have each of us a good broad Sword , and thus armed we will creep underneath your Bed , and when the French-man hath paid you the Gold ( which you must have first ) and he is just going to bed we will crawl out and surprise him . It was generally agreed , and Monsieur had notice of the assignation , who though he understood that the husband was gone out of town , yet he feared an ambuscado , and therefore carried a brace of Pistols with him , besides a good Rapier . Entring the Room , he caressed her , a la mode de France , and being very fiery , he could suffer no delays but giving her the Gold , ordered her to make what haste she could to bed , and he would follow after . In the first place he drew out his Pistols and laid them by him , and then undrest himself , seeing her in bed , he takes up his Sword and Pistols and advanceth towards her , she seeing him in that posture , askt him what he meant ? No ting Madam of harm , only me love to have all de Arms , me sord by mee side , me Pis-stools in mee haunds , and de Dagger before , when me go to take a Citadel or Fort , and laying down his Sword , by his bed side , he skipt into bed with his Pistols and laid them just over her head ; not to lose time , be storm'd the Fort , and took it , and notwithstanding he was several times beaten out of the breach was made in the assault , yet he boldly entred again and took possession . The poor Cuckold ( and the Cobler who lay underneath the Bed ) could not but hear what was doing above , yet durst not stir for their lives , nay not so much as whisper , for fear of being heard ; Monsieur having gone through stitch with his work , and tired to boot , leapt out of bed with his Pistols , and taking up his Sword , went to the farther end of the room and drest himself , having so done , he calls to his reaking Miss , bidding her to come to him , she excused her self , saying she was in a great sweat , and might catch her death thereby , but seeing Monsieur grow resolute , she obeyed . Monsieur hereupon clapt a Pistol to her breast , saying , Begar Mrs. Bish-Fox , give me my Gold , begar if you will not — for love , begar you shall never have my money , and so taking the Guinny's from her , went couragiously down the stairs to his Lodging . Monsieur being gone , out crawls the Cowardly Cobler , and the Cuckoldly Coward , each blaming one another , and both the woman ; what would you have me to do quoth she , since he lay atop of me , and what would you have us to do said they , since you both did lye a Top of us ; well Husband all that I can say is , by this covetous stratagem of yours , you have made me a Whore ; Proved that mighty man your friend a rank Coward , and your self an unpardonable Cuckolk . The old Miser out-witted by his daughter . A Merchant of Landon , growing old and Rich , Retired himself a little distance from the City , for the Benefit of the Air , and took with him his Sister and an only Daughter , having no other Relations living ; and though he had left of Trading , yet some business he had with a Merchant in the City that called him thither thrice a week compleatly . A Servant to the Corespondent of this old Gentleman , had a great and real love for his Daughter , whose Beauty alone , without the incouragement of a Vast estate her Father intended to give , was inducement enough for any mans affection ; and such was his Happiness that she entertain'd a more than common kindness for him ; but it was both their unhappiness , that the Father understood their loves , and to prevent their further growth by meetings , he commited his Daughter to the careful tuition of her Aunt , who was so jealous of her trust , that she walkt , nor talkt with any unless she was present , so that she was inaccessible to her Languishing despairing Lover , yet did he leave no means unattempted , if not to discourse , yet at least to see his beloved object , haunting the House like some disturbed Ghost , but all to little purpose . The Fates at length pittying the sufferings of these two constant lovers , infused a stratagem into the young Gentlewomans head , whereby they might have a Mutal , and a constant correspondence by Letter , of which she inform'd her Love by dropping a paper out of the Window to this effect ; Friend dearer than Life , MOdesty will not permit me to discover my Grief , and Troubled thoughts for being thus debar'd of your speech , and presence , and that which aggravates my sorrow is the often seeing you , without the ability of coming to you , However some comfort my invention hath of late procured me by finding out a way how we may express our minds to each other by writing ; 't is thus in short , I have a little unript the Cape of my Fathers Cloak ( that 's lined with Velvet ) into which I have put a letter ; when he comes to your Masters be officious to help him off with his Cloak , which he uses to do when he goes to Dinner , and in the Cape you will find my Soul contain'd , which take out , and send yours in the Room to her who lives no longer than whilst she loves , &c. The satisfaction that he received from these Lines was inexpressible , but much more , when he found the plot took so well , that he could twice a Week send to , and hear from the only comfort of his Life , and keeper of his happiness . By this stratagem they held a correspondence a longtime , but being eager of an interview , they had like to have spoiled all ; for in a Letter he appointed her a place where they would meet , in order thereunto she stole out of the House , but not so Privately , but that she was watcht by her Aunt , and followed to the place , where seeing this young man , and knowing whose Servant he was , reviled him with all the reproaches imaginable for indeavouring to seduce her Niece , a fortune too Sublime for such a Groveling Earth Worm as he ; but , said she , I 'le acquaint my Brother with your Knavish intentions , who shall take a Course to prevent your proceedings , and with other Minaces away she goes with her Kinswoman , leaving the young man in a Condition more Miserable than imaginable ▪ At Night the Old Gentleman returning , he was informed by his Sister of what had Past in his absence , notwithstanding , all her Care , and watchfulness ; at the report thereof the Old man was ready to run distracted , and no body but would have guest so much by his raving , every word being an express symptom of Madness ; he called his Daughter a Thousand mis becoming names , and the best was Baggage , Strumpet , &c. reviling her with disobedience and what not ; and that which made her condition the more intollerable was , he would not let her speak in her own defence , and as she was about to do it , he flung out of the Room and left her ; glad she was that she had some respit from her Sorrow , and so betook her self to her Chamber , where locking her Self in she instantly writ a Letter to her Love , acquainting him with her Fathers Deportment towards her , with a Register of the very Names he called her , with other abuses , and having so done she slid it into the Cape as aforesaid . The Old man arose very early the next Morning , in a passion , and to London he trotted , having no other business than to acquaint , the Merchant ( his Friend ) how he was abused by his Servant , and to vent his Spleen , and Choler on him . The young man was abroad at his coming , so that his Master received all the Shock of the Old Gentlemans fury , who was a little tam'd by him before his return , by informing him that his man was not so Dispicable as he imagin'd , having so much Per annum in Land , besides a good stock of Mony to begin the World with ; that besides all that , he would t ust him ( as soon as free ) with a Thousand Pounds hrmself ; this they talkt walking in a great Hall , the C loak Hanging up in the Parlour ; where they ursually Dined , which gave our Lover on his return the opportunity of receiving his usual intelligence . He could not but be troubled you must think , , when he read how his Love was abused , but since he could not remedie it , he was resolved to make use of the information . He had just finisht his Reading , as they both came into the Parlour , where immediately upon entrance the Old man rav'd and rail'd most insufferablly , calling him Beggers brat , Thief , Cheat , &c. And how durst he have that aspiring thought to Rob him of his only Daughter , Heiress to above forty thousand Pounds . The young man with much Patience heard , and modestly told him he was much to blame , to villifie him after that manner , since it was well known , that he was not only a Gentleman , but born to an estate : but Sir , ( said he ) it is no wonder , you miscal me , when you spare not your own chast and virtuous Daughter , calling her by the base and false names of Baggage , Strumpet , &c. Hey Day , Hey Day , a Wizard , a Wizard , ( quoth the Old man ) else how could he tell those very Names , I do confess I call'd my Daughter . Well , Sir , now I know how to be rid of a Knave ; I am glad on 't ; I 'le have you Indicted , and arraigned for a Witch , and so I hope to see you burn for your Leachery . His kind Master , seeing the Passion of this peevish piece of antiquity caus'd his man to withdraw , whilst he indeavoured to infuse a better opinion in him towards his Servant , which gave him the convenience of writing ; after Dinner his Master and the old man withdrew into the Hall again , and then ( as formerly ) he convey'd the Note into the Cape of the Cloak . Was not this an honest Porter think you that would thus constantly carry Letters for Lovers some Miles , and never demand a Penny , Coming home and hanging up his Cloak , according to custome , took aside his Sister into the Garden , and there discourst her , telling all that had past between him , his Friend and the Servant ; in the mean time the Daughter examined the Cape , and found what she expected , wherein she was inform'd of the passionate carriage of her Father , with his abusive language , and to sweeten all , he pleasantly related how he was suspected for a Wizard , occasion'd by his happy intelligence . The old man returning from the Garden fell foul on his Daughter with revilling termes ; Dear Father ( said she ) use your pleasure as to me ; call me what you will , though I deserve not the abuse , I will patiently indure it , but do not abuse that honest young man ; assure your self he is no Beggers brat , Thief , Cheat , nor Wizard : Hey day , Hey day , Hey day ( cries the old man again ) what my Daughter a Witch too ; well , well , since it is so , you shall ene have my consent to be Marryed to a stake togethet , and so you shall have a Bonfire at your Wedding . These very words she sent back to her Lover in her Fathers Cape , who took an opportunity to take it out , and having read it , waited to meet the old man , who was consulting with his Master , and was by him so fully inform'd as to his Servants estate , his honesty , and industry in his service , with several other things which tended highly to his advantage , that the old Gentleman was willing to admit of a Parley with his Son-in-Law that must be ; and as he was about to speak with lesser anger than before , he was prevented by the young man , saying , Sir , come end your , cruelty all at once , I am ready to accept of that Marriage of the Stake you proposed last Night to your Daughter : if I cannot live with her I love , I shall rejoice to dye with her . The old man was all amazement , to hear what ere he said at home in private should be known abroad ; at length he collecting himself , and having somewhat calm'd his passion , he told the young man since he saw the Stars did fight against him as to this Marriage , he should have his Daughter , conditionally he would tell him how he came by this strange intelligence , whether the Devil , or his Angels did assist him in it , &c. To this the young man replyed , That he came not to the knowledge of what he said secretly elsewhere , nor his Daughter , but by humane means , and that he would tell him how , so be it he would for give the Person . No , no , never ( cry'd the old man , in a great rage ) I will first see him rot in an Hospital , or be Hang'd at Tibourn , and be Damn'd rather than do it ▪ Nay then ( said the young man ) you are to Blame , Sir , to be so uncharitably cruel against your self ; for from you , and you only we received this intelligence ; you were the Porter , or Messenger that carryed Letters between us : how ! how can this be ( with much Wonder cry'd the old man ) ; to convince you ( said the other ) I will now show you a Letter in your Portmantue that this Night by your means will be delivered to your Daughter , and thereupon taking the Cloak he shewed him the rip in the Cape , wherein they mutualy conveighed Letters to each other . To be short the old man was infinitely pleas'd with the Stratagem , and in a little time lov'd tho young man more than he hated him formerly , ane gave him his Daughter with a vast some of mond down at the Marriage day , and in less than twelvy months did his Son and Daughter the kindness to leave the world , and leave them all he had . A PREACHMENT ON MALT . CErtain Townsmen of Prisal , returning from a merry Meeting at a certain Ale-house , met in the Fields a Preacher , who had lately made a bitter Sermon against Drunkards , and amongst other opprobrimous words , called them Malt-worms , Wherefore they agreed to take him , and by violence compel him to Preach a Sermon , and his Text should be MALT : The Preacher thinking it better to yield , than contend with them in their cause , began his Sermon as followeth . There is no Preaching without Division , and this Text cannot well be divided into many parts , because it is but one word , nor into many Syllables , because it is but one Syllable ; It must therefore be divided into Letters , and they are found to be four , viz. M , A , L , T , These letters represent four interpretations , which Divines commonly do use thus , M. Moral , A. Allegorical , L. Literal , T. Tropological . The Moral Interpretation is well put first , and first to teach you boysterous Men some good manners , at least in procuring your attention to the Sermon ; Therefore M. Masters , A. All , L. Listen , T. to the Text. An Allegory is when one thing is spoken , and another thing meant ; The thing spoken is Malt , the thing meant is the Oyle of Malt , commonly call'd Ale , which to you Drunkards is so precious , that you account it to he M. Meat , A. Ale , L. Liberty , T. Treasure . The literal sense is as it hath been often heard of heretofore , so it is true according to the letter , M. Much A. Ale , L. Little , T. Thrift . The Tropological sence applyeth that which now is to somwhat following , either in this world , or in the world to come , the thing that now is , is the effect which Oyle of Malt produceth and worketh in some of you , viz. M. Murther , in others , A. Adultery , in all L. Loose living , in many T. Treason , and that which hereafter followeth , both in this world and in the world to come , is M. Misery , A. Anguish , L. Lamentation , T. Trouble . I should now come to a conclusion , and withal , to perswade you boysterious men to amend , that so you may escape the danger whereinto many of you are like to fall , but I have no hopes to prevail , because I plainly see , and my Text as plainly telleth me it is M. to A. that is , a Thousand Pound to a Pot of Ale you will never mend , because all Drunkards are L. Lewd , T. Thieves , but yet for discharging my Conscience and duty , First towards God , and Secondly towards you my Neighbouts , I say once again , concluding with my Text , M. Mend , A. All , and L. Leave , T. Tipling , otherwise , M. Masters , A. All , L. Look for , T. Terrour and Torment . By this time the Ale wrought in the Townsmens Brains that they were between Hawk and Buzzard , nearer sleeping than waking , which the Preacher perceiving stole away , Leaving them to take their Nap. IN the year 1641 when Episcopacy was become a subject of debate in Parliament , Mr. Grimstone who form'd this Argument , That Bishops are Jure Divino is a Question . That Archbishops are not Jure Divino is out of Question . That Ministers are Jure Divino there is no Question . Now if Bishops , which are question'd , whether Jure Divino , and Arch-Bishops which out of Question are not Jure Divino , suspend Ministers that are Jure Divino , I leave it to you Mr. Speaker . Was answered by Mr. Selden thus , That the Convocation is Jure Divino is a Question . That Parliaments are not Jure Divino is out of Question . That Religion is Jure Divino there is no Question . Now Mr. Speaker , that the Convocation which is questioned whether Jure Divino , and Parliaments which out of question are not Jure Divino should medle with Religion which questionless is Jure Divino , I leave to you , Mr. Speaker . Mr. Grimstons replie . But Arch-Bishops are no Bishops . Mr. Seldens Answer . That 's no otherwise true than that Judges are not Lawyers , and Aldermen not Citizens . The Ideot is wittie to do the poor man right . A poor begger in Paris being very hungry stay'd so long in a cooks shop , who was dishing up meat , till his stomach was satisfied merely with the smell thereof : upon which account the choleric cook demanded payment of him : the poor man denied it , and the controversie was referr'd to the deciding of the next man that should pass by , which chanced to be the most notorious Ideot in the whole citie : he on the relation of the matter to the amazement of all persons , most sagaciously and wittiely determin'd , that the poor mans money should be put between two emtie dishes , and the cook should be recompensed with the gingling of the poor mans money , as he was satisfied with the only smell of the cooks meat . The Dutchmans Mistake . Dr. P. ( one who has been sometimes observed more than ordinary in his performance of Ceremonies in the church ) coming into the Arch-Bishops chappel at Lambeth reverendly bowed toward that end of the chappel , where the communion table stands ; It happened that a Dutch-man totally unacquainted with all such ceremonies , being lodg'd at Lambeth , had all alone wandred into this chappel , and had placed himself not far from the communion-table : so that when the Dr. bowed , he rose up and very lowly bowed again to him ; the Dr. bowed the second time , and the third time ; and still every bow was returned by the Dutchman with the greatest obeysance and humility imaginable , and when he came home being ask'd where he had been , he replied he had been in the Kerk , and then infinitely magnified the civilities of that person , ( whom he describ'd ) thinking nothing less than that the Dr. had pay'd so grand a reverence and respect to him . A Love-Elegie from one of the Five Members to his Paramour , together vvith his repulse in her Ansvver . A. 1642. Carmen Eroticon ab uno Membrorum quinque , ad Dilectissimam suam Amicam D. C. conscriptam . ILLE ego prognatus de nigrescente caballo , Quem fertur moriens spontè dedisse Pater , En Patrem refero ( petulans genus extat equorum ) Pronus in amplexus , ( diva Corinna ) tuos : Ille ego cordate cujus moder amine vobis Nondum clauduntur ( Parliamenta ) fores , Quem ratis Angliacae Typhin , quem qúis quē popelli Regalis currûs Automedonta vocant , Quique Stuardiadis Caroli diademata vinco , Vincor captivue ( pulchra Corinna ) tuus . Curribus en jungit binas Cytheraea columbas ▪ Cantat Iö victrix , ecce triumphus , ait . En tibi subjectus , jam nunc dedisco rebellem : Quem nequiit piëtas flectere flexit amor . Et licèt haud valeam Dominum tolerare Carollum ▪ Te fateor Dominam ( sancta Corinna ) meam . Ah me Discipulum Veneris plus fulmine sternunt Ex oculi pharetris spicula jacta tuis . Neque tamen regis fasces amor urget habendi , Quàm quibus ingenii sis potienda modis : Aureus in gremium patulum tibi ( chara ) venirem ▪ Ut quondam Danaë Jupiter imbre suae . En tibi submitto jugulum ; si jusseris ipsa Sedulus in funes obvia colla dabo : Non me latratu terret canis iste trifauci , Quando concubitum ( Lux mea ) quaero tuum . Iphias ô Capaneu non tunc magis arsit amore , Quum fertur rapidis desiliisse rogis ; Soepius ad trutinam tua dum voco membra videtur In tete solam multa fluisse Dea , Inque domo menti petulans Cytheraea residit , Inque tuis oculis coesia Pallas adest : Occupat & frontem spaciosam Sospita Juno , Incolit & digitos praevia lucis 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 : Cum subit in mentem nox ista novissima , quando Miscuimus placido membra silenda thoro : O mihimet geminis quoties occurrit ocellis Qualiter & lepidus fronte renidet Amor ! Quum memoro leves humeros , habilesque papillas , Ulnas candidulas , & juvenile foemur ; ( Quod caput est formae ) capitis dum cogito formam , Et meditor positam non sine lege comam ; Istam praecipuè simulac ego cogito partem , Partem quam verbis indigitare pudet ; Ah quo tunc rapior ! quantis tunc aestibus uror ? Quàm furiis instar pectore soevit amor ? Distrahor hinc atque hinc & curas mente voluto , Ut rudis indomito fluctuat unda Mari Millena in mentem subeunt molimina nostram , Dum rabidus meditor qua potes arte capi . Utque saginatus reserato carcere Taurus Obvia cum fuerit crebra Juvenca salit Seu velut in luxum praeceps fuit iste caballus , Qui Matrem passim fertur amasse meam ; Sic paritèr totum spirant mea corda Pryapum , Seu mihi per somnum ( pulchra puella ) subis ; Sic me a turgescunt alitèr languentia membra , Seu mihi per mediam tu subis alma diem : Quum fato fungar , sic sic lascivia vitam Auferat ; ah placuit sic mihi soepè mori . Nec pudibunda nimis metuas ab amante procari , Foemellas novi soepe fuisse procos ; Pulchra Laërtiaden iterúmque iterúmque Calypso , Heu precibus cassis usque manere rogat : Dardanium juvenem sitiebat Punica Dido : Cynthia cum labiis Endymiona petit , Et licèt agrestem ( modo vati credis ) Adonin Idaeliam dicunt soepè procâsse Deam : Quanta sit Idalia expendas , & Cynthia quanta ; Sunt utraeque Deae , fac imitêre Deas . Tu tamen haud procus es velut hae , sed & ipsa procaris . Solus ago , solùm tu patiâre velim : Sis procul à fastu , neve assimilare Sabinis : At faciles aures tu perhibere velis : Qui si vel nasus vel frons mihi desit eburnea ? Murice nec Tyrio subrubuêre genae ? Est color incertus , nec tu confide colori , Decipitur pulchro Graja puella viro ; Pelle licèt tenebrae dominantur , Lux tamen intus ; Vileo si membris , splendeo mente tenus : Quid licèt ▪ harmonico careant mea membra tenore ? Et malè concinnus quilibet artus erit ? At caro pinguescit , mihi sunt & mollia crura , Suráque suppetiit semivieta mihi . Squalidus est oculo , digitis arridet obesus Quod formâ minus est hoc mihi supplet adeps . Millibus ex multis ( experto crede ) puellis , Gaudia quae mihi fert plurima , pinguis erat : Hoc est in causâ , quod nunc ( uxore relictâ ) Nostri festinant ad tua rura pedes ; Nempe voluptatis nihilum mihi frigida conjux Suppeditat , penè est iste senilis ager : Mandamus tritis semen sine foenore sulcis , Null áque tondetur falcibus inde seges ; Sed tuus ( ô utinam ! ) pariat mihi gramina campus , Viderunt agri vix tria lustra tui . Aetas non unquam retrò retro-acta vocatur ; Florem , dum florem carpo , Corinna tuum . Quandocunque tamen nos conveniemus in unum , Corpore molliculo fac sine Teste fruar , Non quasi castratus spado sine Testibus essem , Sed quia lascivum nolo patere torum : Secretis que jocis fac alta silentia praestes ; Quum placidum nobis hoc peragetur opus : Nam non privatus sed jam Respublica fio , Et mihi vel coecus quilibet Argus erit : Aptius idcircò cum prima crepuscula lucent , Ad lectum veniam , blanda Corinna , tuum : Et mihi furtivos aditus transenna fenestrae Adstruet , à dextrâ qua patet uda palus : Nuper enim cum nocte thoro convenimus illo , Infidae memini tèr crepuêre fores : Tunc indoctus eram , nunc usu promptior exto : Et magis assiduè jam taciturnus ero ; Neve tuus videat Genitor , Custodibus et si ( Carceris insontem ) Parliamenta dabunt . Mutuò tunc nobis aderit satis ampla voluptas ; Quae quoad eveniat , diva Corinna , vale . The Ladies answer to the praeceeding Love-Poem . Anno 1642. WHAT , Latin , Sir ? why there is no man That e're thought you an English Roman . Your Father horse could teach you none , Nor was it e're your Mother tongue : Your Education too assures Me , that your poem is not yours : Besides I thought you did detest The language of the Latine beast ; But now your impudence I see Did hereby shew its modestie ; Each sillable would blush you thought , If it had been plain English taught . And that your foul debauched stuff Might do its errand fast enough . Forsooth its wisdome thought it meet , That words might run to give 'em feet . Pardon me , Sir , I 'm none of those That love Love-verse , give me your Prose . I wish each verse to make delay Had turn'd lame Scazon by the way ; I read an hell in every line of your polluted Fescennine . Your verses stunck , to keep 'em sweet , You should have put socks on their feet ' And that the answer which I shall Now write may be methodical , I 'le briefly make , 't is not amiss , An Anacephalaeosis . And first I look'd for Nestor , when Meer Cupid trickles from your pen ; Who was your father you make proof By your Coults tooth though not your hoof . She that was great with you you hold Did not lie in , but was with fold . I wonder one so old , so grave , Should yet such youth , such lightness have ; Of the five members you alone Shall be esteem'd the Privy one ; Who ( like the Gnosticks ) preach , your text , Increase and multiplie ; and next Convincing Doctrines you deduce , Put out the lights and so make use . You say I am a Maid exceeding Apt to be taught by you good breeding , But where there 's Breeding , it is said , There 's none , unless a broken maid : Turn Papist , Stallion , they 'l dispense With whoredome by an Indulgence : Turn Friar , that thou mayst be free At once with a whole Nunnerie , There 't will be vertue to ride on The purple Whore of Babylon . Thou mayst as soon be Turk as King ; And that , ô that 's the tempting thing : Then thou mayst glut thy appetite With a Seraglio of delight . I am no Proserpine , that thus I should desire an Incubus : But you must vote ( if me you 'll win ) No Fornication to be sin . You say the house takes it not well , The King ' gainst Rebels should rebel ; And that 's the reason why you stand To be Dictator of the land ; Which put me to a mighty toil Of getting verdigrease and oil ; ' Cause such Itch-medicine is a thing That 's fittest to annoint you King. You say you 'ld undergo and do Wonders , would I undergo you : For my sake you would Cobler play , Your trade should be to under-lay . For me you 'd spend your chiefest Blood. Pray spend it on the Sister-hood . You wish to die in those great fights Of Venus , where each wound delights : And should I once to heav'n take wing You 'ld follow me , though in a String ; Thank you good Sir , it is our will , You your last promise do fullfill . There 's nothing spoke that pleaseth us , Like your in funes sedulus . Next come those idle twittle twats , Which call me many God knows what 's ; As hallow'd , beautifull and fair , Supple and kind and debonair : You talk of women that did woe , When I am mad I 'll do so too ; Then that my father may not spie The coupleing of you and I , He shall be guiltlesly detected As a true Subject ill-affected , And so the Protestant shall lie In goal for fear of Poperie . Such fancies as these I 've thought best Should punish'd be by being press'd . And that this Body Politick May then be well , which lies now sick . May the Greek Π that fatal Tree This Spring bear all such fruit as Thee . Eoemina , ex omni parte , Formosa . TRiginta haec habeat quae vult formosa vocari Foemina , sic Helenam fama fuisse refert ; Alba tria , totidem nigra , tria rubra , puella Tres habeat longas , tres totidemque breves , Tres crassas , totidemque graciles , tria stricta , tot ampla Sint ibidem huic formae , sint quoque parva tria : Alba cutis , nivei dentes , albique capilli ; Nigri Oculi , Cunnus , nigra Supercilia ; Labra , Genae , atque ungues rubri ; sit corpore longa ▪ Et longi Crines , sit quoque longa Manus ; Sintque breves dentes , auris , pes ; Pectora lata , Et clunes , distent ipsa Supercilia ; Cunnus & os strictum , stringunt ubi cingula stricta ; Sint coxae , & collus , vulva que turgidula , Subtiles digiti , crines & labra puellis ; Parvus sit nasus , parva Mamilla , caput . Cum nullae aut rarae sint hae , formosa vocari Nulla puëlla potest , rara puëlla potest . The Roman-Catholic Ballad ; or an Invitation to Poperie , upon considerable grounds and reasons . To the tune of 88. SInce Popery of late is so much in debate And great striveings have been to restore it , I cannot forbear , openly to declare That the Ballad-makers are for it . We 'l dispute no more , these Heretical men Have expos'd our books unto laughter , So that many do say , it will be our best way To sing for the cause hereafter . O the Catholic cause ! now assist me my muse How earnestly do I desire thee ! Neither will I pray , to S. Bridget to day But only to thee to inspire me . Whence should purity come but from Catholic Rome ? I wonder much at their folly ; For St. Peter was there , And left an old chair Enough to make all the world holy . For this sacred old wood , is so excellent good , If Tradition may be believed , That whoever sits there , , needs never more fear The danger of being decieved . If the devil him self should ( God bless us ) get up , Though his nature we know be evil , Yet whilst he sate there , as divers will swear , He would be an infallible devil : Now who sits in this Seat but our Father the Pope ? So that here 's a plain Demonstration , As clear as noon-day , we are in the right way , And all others are doom'd to damnation . If this will not suffice , yet to open your eyes , Which are blinded with bad education , We have Arguments plentie , and miracles twentie , Enough to convince a whole nation : If you give but good heed , you shall see the Host bleed , And if any thing can perswade ye , An Image shall speak , or at last it shall squeak In the honour of our Lady : You shall see without doubt , the devil cast out , As of old by Erra Pater . He shall skip about and tear , like a danceing bear , When he feels the Holy water . If yet doubtfull ye are , we have Reliques most rare , We can shew you the sacred manger Several loads of the cross , as good as e're was To preserve your souls from danger . Should I tell you of all 't would move a stone wall , But I spare you a little for pittie , That each one may prepare , , to rub up his ear For the second part of my ditty . The second part to the same Tune . NOW listen again to those things that remain , They are matters of weight I assure you ; And the first thing I say , , throw your Bibles away , 'T is impossible else for to cure you . O that pestilent book ! never on it more look I wish I could speak it out louder , It has don more men harm , , I dare boldly affirm , Than th' invention of guns and powder ; As for matters of faith believe what the church sayth , But for Scripture leave that to the learned , For these are edg tooles , , and you lay men are fools , If you touch them you are sure to be harmed : But pray what is it for you make all this stir ? You must read , you must hear and be learned ; If you 'l be on our part , , we will teach you an Art , That you need not be so much concerned . Be the Churches good son , and your work is half don , After that you may do your own pleasure . If your Beads you can tell , and say your Ave Mary well , Neuer doubt of the heavenly treasure . For the Pope keeps the keys ; and can do what he please , And without all peradventure , If you can not at the fore , yet at the back dore of Indulgence you may enter : But first by the way , you must make a short stay , At a place call'd Purgatory , Which the learned us tell , , in the buildings of Hell , Is about the midlemost story . 'T is a monstrous hot place , and a mark of disgrace , In the torment on 't long to endure , None are kept there but fools , , and poor pittyfull souls , Who can no ready money procure : For a handsome round summ , you may quickly be gon , For the church has wisely ordein'd , That they who build crosses , , and pay well for Masses , Should not there be too long detein'd : So that 't is a plain case as the nose on ones face We are in the surest condition , And none but mere fools , , and some nigardly owls , Need fall into utter perdition What aileth ye then ye great and rich men , That ye will not hearken to reason , Since as long as ye have pence , ye need scruple no offence , Be it murder , adulterie , treason . And ye sweet natur'd Women , who hold all things common , My addresses to you are most hearty , And to give ye your due , ye are to us most tru And I hope we shall gain the whole party ; If you happen to fall , your Penance shall be small , And altho ye cannot forego it , We have for ye a cure , if this ye be sure , To confess before ye go to it : There is one reason yet , which I cannot omit To those who affect the French nation , Hereby we advance ▪ , the Religion of France , The Religion that 's only in fashion . If these reasons prevale , ( as how can they fail ) To have Popery entertain'd , Ye cannot conceive , and will hardly believe What Benefits hence may be gain'd ; For the Pope shall us bless , ( that 's no small happiness ) And again we shall see restored The Italian trade , which formerly made This land to be so much adored : O the Pictures and rings , the Beads and fine things , The good words as sweet as honey , All this and much more , shall be brought to our door , For a little dull English money . Then shall traffic and love , and what ever can move , Be restor'd again to our Brittain , And learning so common , that every old woman , Shall say her Prayers in Latin. Then the church shall bear sway , and the state shall obey , Which is now look'd upon as a wonder , And the proudest of Kings , and all temporal things Shall submit and truckle under ; And the Parliament too , who have taken us to do And have handled us with so much terror , May chance on that score , ( 't is no time to say more ) They may chance to ackowledg their error . If any man yet shall have so little wit , As still to be refractory , I swear by the mass , he is a mere Ass , And so there 's an end of a story . ( 1. ) A Young Lady having of a long time had a desire to have her Picture drawn by an excellent Limner , sent for him , and told him , That for as much as she had heard he was an excellent Artist , she desired he would draw her to the life , as she was , a Maid , and exactly of the same stature . The Painter having used the utmost of his Art to resemble her Features to the life , brought home the Piece ; in the which she could find no fault , except that he had drawn her a little less than she was . Oh Madam , said he , Posterity would never believe my Draught , had I made you any taller ; for 't is very rare in this Age , to find a Maid so bigg . ( 2. ) A Countrey Fellow being set upon by a Mastiff , kill'd him with his Pitchfork , the owner of the Dog demanded satisfaction , and brought him before the Justice : But still the Clown pleaded he did it in his own defence . Nevertheless you ought , said the Justice , to have struck him with the other end of your Staf. Truly so I would , said the Peasant , had he run at me with his Tail. ( 3. ) A Taylor that was ever accustomed to steal some of the Cloth his Customer brought , when he came one day to make himself a Suit , stole half a yard ; his Wife perceiving it , asked the reason ; Oh , said he , 't is to keep my hands in use , least at any time I should forget it . 4. A Scholar that fancy'd himself to sing well , notwithstanding he had a very hoarse voice ; having often observed that a poor woman was used to cry when she heard him sing , asked her at last the reason . Truly Sir , said she , when through poverty I had sold all my goods , and had nothing left but a poor Ass , at last I lost my Ass , and I never hear you sing , but you put me in mind of it . ( 5. ) A Gentleman passing by , a poor man asked alms of him ; whereupon the Gentleman asked him what he lived upon ? Sir , said he , I can make no answer to that ; but had you asked me what I die of ? I should have told you of hunger . ( 6. ) A Gentleman playing a Game at Tables in a Chamber in Fleet-street , four stories high , had so ordered his Game , that no chance of the Dice could lose it but one ; yet it so happen'd that that chance came ; whereupon he grew so passionate , that bringing down the Tables into the Street , he made a stop , and asking the next Gentleman that came if he understood the Game , the Gentleman said he did ; Then pray Sir , said he , what do you think could lose me the Game ? then pausing a little , I think there 's nothing but such a chance . Why then , said the passionate Gamester , God dam me , if I have not thrown it . ( 7. ) A Stranger being much necessiated , as he walked into the City , to do that no one could do for him ; and being in a place far from any of his acquaintances , and void of convenience for that purpose , went into an Upholsters Shop , and asked the Man to shew him a Close-Stool , which being done , he asked if he had no better ; Yes Sir , we have , said he , all of coloured Velvet : Go then , said he , and fetch two or three ; in the mean time he let down his Breeches and sate down ; the Upholsterer seeing him in that posture , asked him , What he did ? I am trying it , said he , and pulling up his Breeches , I will have none of them , they are all too low . ( 8. ) Pace the bitter Fool , was not suffered to come at the Queen , because of his bitter humor , yet at last some pressed the Queen that he should come to her ; undertaking for him that he should keep compass , so he was brought to her , and the Queen said , Come on Pace , now we shall hear of our faults . Saith Pace , I do not use to talk of that , which all the Town talks of . ( 9. ) One rode furiously among some Quakers that stood in a yard , hearing the Speaker from the top of the Barn , and being rebuked by a Brother , Why should not my Horse , said he , have to do here at the meeting , as well as the rest of the Asses . ( 10. ) Several persons of several Callings , being invited to a Feast , it happen'd that amongst the rest , there came an old Grammarian , not altogether arrayed after the mode , nor cloathed so well , as many young Gallants that were there ; this gave occasion when the Wine had made every man's tongue free to speak his mind , that a young Spark , to put a jest upon the old Grammarian , said , Pray Sir , since I know you to be well skill à in Genealogy , who was the Father of Peleus ? to which he answered , Tell me first if you can , who was yours ? ( 11. ) When the Trojans sent Ambassadours to Tiberius , to condole the death of his Father Augustus , a long time after he was dead ; the Emperour considering the unseasonableness of it , requited them accordingly , saying , And I am sorry for your heaviness , having lost so valiant a Knight as Hector ; who was slain above a thousand years before . ( 12. ) A poor but witty lad , brought up to the University , and admitted in a Colledge , could not go to the price of a new pair of Shoos ; but when his old ones were worn out at the toes , had them capt with Leather ; whereupon his Companions began to jeer him for so doing : Why , said he , must they not be capt , are they not fellows ? ( 13. ) A learned Gentlewoman put a Question to a young Scholar , which was , Why the Infinitive was next to the Optative ? of which he said , Because we never make an end of desiring . ( 14. ) One lighting a Candle , and striving to slick it in a Candlestick , it often fell out of the Socket , at which he said in choller , That he thought the Devil did possess the Candle . Why do you wonder , said his Companion , it cannot stand ? Do you not see that 't is light-headed ? ( 15. ) Two Fellows going with a present to a covetous Man , one of them said they should but lose their labour ; well says t'other , I 'll hold you a Crown that we shall get there both Meat , Drink and Money ; Done , says t'other : and being come thither , one of them told him that he was very dry , then he bid them go down into the Celler ; and when they came there , he told the Butler , that he could not drink without eating ; then the Butler went up and told his Master of it , who bid him set a cold Pasty before them ; of which they eat plentifully : and when they had fill'd their Bellies , they both went to the Master to take their leaves of him ( also expecting some gratuity ) which when they saw not appearing , says one of them boldly , Pray Sir what shall we say to my Master if he should ask us what you gave us : which put him to a stand for a while , at last he gave them half a Crown : so the fellow won his wager . ( 16. ) A Cavalier in Oxford-shire , that was very zealous in his loyalty for his Prince , and had suffered very much for it ; and once meeting with some of the Rumpish Officers at Oxford , says one of them to him , God save you Noble Squire , and you , says he , if it be possible : ( 17. ) A Confident and Impudent Fellow had the faculty of enveighing against all Persons of his acquaintance , but only one ; which made another ask him , why he did not enveigh against him also : No , says he , by no means ; for he has the property of a Tennis-Ball , that will rebound back again and retort ; for you know as well as I , that Crows de not sit upon Dogs Backs , but upon the Sheeps : so that if a Man will make himself a Sheep , the Crows will crow over him , and will pull the Wooll off his Back to . ( 18. ) A mad hare-brain'd Countrey Fellow , came to a great Lady that was his Landlady , to tell her that his Wife was brought to Bed : Faith 't is true Madam , says he : How brought to Bed , says my Lady , what was she Drunk or Sick ; no , no , Madam , I mean she has a Child : O , says my Lady , now I understand you : Well then , says she , what has God sent her ; Faith , says he , nothing as I know of ; I don't believe she ever heard from him in her life : Puh , says the Lady , I mean has she a Boy or a Girl : Od'ye mean so forsooth Madam ; why guess then , says he : 't is a Boy , says My Lady , no vaith Madam guess again ; why a Girl , says she : Faith Madam I think in my Conscience you are a Witch , 't is a Girl indeed . ( 19. ) An English Man and a Scotch Man were both in the hold of a Ship together , in the last Ingagement at Sea , and as they were in the heat of the Fight , says the English man to him , Come le ts go up and partake with our Brethren in the Fight , and not stand here like drones and do nothing : Be God , says he , we aw my heart ; and as the English Man led the way , when he was half way up , a great Bullet came in and cut him just in two in the middle : Uds bred , says the Scotch Man , What the deel dost gang up to fight and leave thy Arse behind thee . ( 20. ) A great Divine being extreamly Sick , a Physician was sent to him , and when he came , he askt him the cause of his Distemper : and finding the Physician to falter much in his discourse , he told him plainly he 'd take none of his Physick : For , says he , is he be not able to shew me the cause , I am sure he is less able to take it away : and so had him turnd out ( 21. ) A Woman in the Country having lost abundance of Linnen off her Hedge , but could not imagine who was the Thief , so she went to a sober Gentleman , whom she took to be an Astrologer ; to desire him to help her to her Linnen again ; then he took her up into his Chamber and bid her lie down upon the Bed , and when he knew her as well as her Husband , he told her he would tell her more : What , says she , d' ye intend to make me a Whore , Why yes , says he , why should not I make you a Whore as well as you make me a Witch . ( 22. ) A Clown in Flanders had a very pritty Woman to his Wife , and both came to an Inne six miles from Gaunt that night , and a lusty Spanish Souldier happened to lie there that night also , and when they were both in Bed , he seeing she was handsome , made up the number three in the Bed , without saying by your leave ; and the Woman it seems lay in the middle ; and the Clown hearing the Souldier , as he thought something too bold with his Wife ; durst not speak at first ; at last he took a courage ( for you must know he was wonderful valiant ) and bid her desire the Spaniard to lie still , and she being a very discreet and good natur'd Woman and to avoid any further quarrelling : said , Sweet Husband , you know I can't speak Spanish , but let me entreat you to rise and go to the Sexton , for he speaks Spanish very well : So the good man followed his dear Wives advice and rose and went to him ; and what was done then is quite out of my head now ; but before he came back the Spaniard was gone , which when he perceiv'd he began to domineer : swearing if he had him here how he would cudgel the Rogue , for troubling of them so that night : In truth Husband , says she , ( very discreetly ) I am heartily glad you did not come while he was here , for in your anger I am sure you 'd a kill'd him ; and I know you are very desperate : But prithee sweet-heart , says he , how long did he stay when I was gone ; truly Husband , says she , you were scarce out 'o th door but he ran away : Well , says he , I can't chuse but laugh to see how I have scar'd him ; you see what comes of pollicy and discretion now ; for if I had been hasty , the Rogue might have kill'd me for ought I know , and then what wouldst thou have done for such a good Husband again my dear . Truly Husband , says she , 't was best as 't is , and I am very well pleas'd with what was done . ( 23. ) An English Merchant told a handsome Venetian Curtesan that for all her subtilty and Beauty , he would lay a wager with her of Forty Crowns , that she could not tempt such a Man to her embraces , and yet she should lie with him all night : Well , says she , lay down the Forty Crowns I 'll venture it ; which she did , and yet notwithstanding all her Inticements , she could prevail nothing with him : in the morning she was askt whether she had lost or not , she ingeniously confess'd she had lost one way but not another : For , says she , you told me I should lie with a Man , but I found that I lay with a Stone . ( 24. ) A Gallan it seems upon a time cast his eye upon precise Mistriss Temperance , a Feather-makers Wife , and after a little conference , swore he would lie with her : What , says she , can't you glance upon a modest Woman as I am , but you must covet ; indeed Brother I must chide you for it : Well , says she , but that I am tender of Oaths , and would be loath to have you break yours , for the Oaths sake I am willing to consent to you at present ; but otherwise I profess I would not do it , if you 'd give me a thousand pound . ( 25. ) One was asking why Monks and Friers were call'd Holy Fathers ? another that was there told him there was a great deal of reason for it ; in regard of the multitude of Bastards they do yearly get in all places : which shews indeed they are wholly Fathers . ( 26. ) One told one with a Red-face , that his face was dispark'd ' cause there was no pale : Though there 's no pale , says he , yet there 's good store of Reddear ; viz. Dear red . ( 27. ) One hearing the Story of S. George that kill'd the Dragon , said , sure 't was a lye : Nay , some believe there was never a S. George nor a Dragon ; pray God there be a Maid then , says a simple Fellow . FINIS .