The most elegant and witty epigrams of Sir Iohn Harrington, Knight digested into foure bookes: three vvhereof neuer before published. Harington, John, Sir, 1560-1612. 1618 Approx. 240 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 94 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2003-09 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A02647 STC 12776 ESTC S103853 99839597 99839597 4032 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A02647) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 4032) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1475-1640 ; 1070:05) The most elegant and witty epigrams of Sir Iohn Harrington, Knight digested into foure bookes: three vvhereof neuer before published. Harington, John, Sir, 1560-1612. [186] p. : port. Printed by G[eorge] P[urslowe] for Iohn Budge: and are to be sold at his shop in Paules Church-yard at the signe of the Greene Dragon, London : 1618. Printer's name from STC. Signatures: A⁴ B-M N¹. Running title reads: Sir Iohn Harringtons epigrams. Reproduction of the original in the Harvard University. Library. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. Gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. 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Copies of the texts have been issued variously as SGML (TCP schema; ASCII text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable XML (TCP schema; characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless XML (TEI P5, characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or TEI g elements). Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng Epigrams, English. 2003-04 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2003-05 SPi Global Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2003-06 Olivia Bottum Sampled and proofread 2003-06 Olivia Bottum Text and markup reviewed and edited 2003-08 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion THE MOST ELEGANT AND WITTY EPIGRAMS OF Sir Iohn Harrington , Knight , DIGESTED INTO FOVRE Bookes : Three vvhereof neuer before published . Fama bonum quo non foelicius vllum . LONDON Printed by G. P. for Iohn Budge : and are to be sold at his shop in Paules Church-yard at the signe of the Greene Dragon . 1618. THE EPISTLE TO ALL Readers , that Epigrams must bee read attentiuely , that Legere & non intellegere , est negligere . WHen in your hand you had this Pamphlet caught , Your purpose was to post it ouer speedie , But change your minde , and feede not ouer-greedy : Till in what sort , to feede you first be taught . Suppose both first and second course be done , No Goose , Porke , Capon , Snites , nor such as these , But looke for fruit , as Nuts , and Parma-cheese , And Comfets , Conserues , Raisons of the Sunne . Then taste but few at once , feede not too fickle , So shall you finde some coole , some warme , some biting , Some sweet in taste , some sharpe , all so delighting , As may your inward taste , and fancie tickle . But though I wish Readers , with stomacks full , Yet fast nor come not , if your wits be dull . For I had liefe you did sit downe and whistle , As reading , not to reede . So ends th' Epistle . TO THE RIGHT HONORABLE , GEORGE MARques Buckingham , Viscount Villeirs , Baron of Whaddon , Iustice in Eyre of all his Maiesties Forrests , Parks , and Chases beyond Trent , Master of the Horse to his Maiestie , and one of the Gentlemen of his Maiesties Bedchamber , Knight of the most Noble order of the Garter , and one of his Maiesties most Honourable Priuie Councell of England and Scotland . Most Honoured Lord , THis posthume book is furnished vvith worth , but it wanteth a Patron . A worthier thē your ●elfe the Booke could not find , nor your Lordship a more patheticall Poet to Patronize . If in Poetry , Heraldry were admitted , he would be found in happinesse of wit neere allied to the great Sydney : yet but neere ; for the Apix of the Coelum Empyrium is not more inaccessable then is the height of Sydneys Poesy , which by imagination we may approch , by imitation neuer attaine to . To great men our very syllables should be short , and therfore I make my Conclusion a Petition ; That your Lordshippes acceptation may shew how much you fauor the noble Name , and nature of the Poet , and Booke . VVhich deigned by your Lordshippe , I shall thinke my paines in collecting , and disposing of these Epigrams well placed , and euer rest . Your Lordships most bounden seruant , I. B. Sir IOHN HARRINGTONS Epigrams , the first Booke . Against MOMVS . 1 That his Poetrie shall be no fictions , but meere truths . SCant wrate I sixteene lines , but I had newes , Momus had found one fault , past all excuse , That of Epistle I the name abuse . No , gentle Momus , that is none abuse , Without I call that Gospel that ensues . But read to carpe , as still hath been thine vse : Fret out thine heart to search , seeke , sift and pry , Thy heart shall hardly giue my pen the ly . 2 Against Sextus , a scorner of Writers . OF Writers , Sextus known a true despiser , Affirmes , that on our writings oft he lookes , And confesseth he growes ne're the wiser . But Sextus , where 's the fault ? not in our bookes . No sure , t is in your selfe ( I le tell you wherefore ) Bookes giue not wisedome where was none before . But where some is , there reading makes it more . 3 Against Lesbia , both for her patience and impatience . LEsbia , I heard , how ere it came to passe , That when old P●leus call'd thy Lord an Asse , You did but smile ; but when he cald him Oxe , Straight-waies you curst him with all plagues & pox . There is some secret cause why you allow A man to scorne his braine , but not his brow . 4 Of a poynted Diamond giuen by the Author to his wife , at the birth of his eldest sonne . DEare , I to thee this Diamond commend , In which , a modell of thy selfe I send , How lust vnto thy ioynts this circlet sitteth , So iust thy face and shape my fancies fitteth . The touch will try this Ring of purest gold , My touch tries thee as pure , though softer mold . That metall precious is , the stone is true As true , as then how much more precious you ? The Gem is cleare , and hath nor needes no foyle , Thy face , nay more , thy fame is free from soile . ●oule deem this deare , because from me you haue it , ● deem your faith more deer , because you gaue it . This pointed Diamond cuts glasse and steele , Your loues like force in my firme heart I feele . But this , as all things else , time wasts with wearing , Where you , my Iewels multiply with bearing . 5 Against Writers that carpe at other mens bookes . THe Readers , and the Hearers like my bookes , But yet some Writers cannot them digest . But what care I ? For when I make a feast , I would my Guests should praise it , not the Cookes . 6 Of a young Gallant . YOu boast , that Noble men still take you vp , That whē they bowle or shoot , or hawke or hunt , In Coach , or Barge , on horse thou still art wont , To runne , ride , row with them , to dine or s●p : This makes you scorne those of the meaner sort , And thinke your credit doth so farre surmount ; Whereas indeed , of you they make no count , But as they doe of hawkes and dogges , for sport . Then vaunt not thus of this your vaine renowne , Lest we both take you vp , and take you downe . 7 To my Lady Rogers , the Authors wiues mother , how Doctor Sherehood comm●nded her house in Bathe ▪ I Newly had your little house erected , In which I thought I had made good conueiance , To vse each ease , and to shunne all annoyance , And prayd a friend of iudgement not neglected , To view the roomes , and let me know the faults . He hauing view'd the lodgings , staires , and vaults , Said all was excellent well , saue here and there . You thinke he praysd your house . No , I doe sweare , He hath disgrac'd it cleane , the case is cleere , For euery roome is either there , or here . 8 Of Lesbia , a great Lady . LEsbia doth laugh to heare sellers and buyers Cald by this name , Substantiall occupyers : Lesbia , the word was good while good folke vsd it , You mard it that with Chawcers iest abusd it : But good or bad , how ere the word be made , Lesbia is loth perhaps to leaue the trade . 9 Of one that begd nothing , and had his sute granted . WHen thou dost beg , as none begs more importunate , And art deny'd , as none speeds more infortunate , With one quaint phrase thou doost inforce thy begging , ●y mind vnto thy suite in this sort egging . ●las , sir this ? T is nothing , once deny me not . ●ell then , for once content , henceforth bely me not . Your words so wisely plaste , doe so inchaunt me , Sith you doe nothing aske , I nothing graunt yee . 10 Another of asking nothing . SOme thinke thee Lynus of a Fryer begotten , For still you beg where nothing can be gotten ; Yet oft you say , for so you haue been taught , ●ir , grant me this , t is but a thing of nought . And when indeed you say so , I belieue it , As nought , vnto a thing of nought I giue it . Thus with your begging , you but get a mock , And yet with begging little , mend your stock . Leaue begging Lynus for such poore rewards , Else some will begge thee in the Court of Wards . 11 Of liberality in giuing nothing . I Heare some say , and some belieue it too , That craft is found eu'n in the clouted shoo ▪ Sure I haue found it with the losse of pence , My Tenants haue both craft and eloquence . For when one hath a suite before he aske it . His Orator pleades for him in a basket . Well Tenant well , he was your friend that taught you ▪ This learn'd Exordium , Master , here cha brought you . For with one courtesie and two Capons giuing , Thou sauest ten pounds in buying of thy liuing . Which makes me say , that haue obseru'd this quality In poore men not to giue , is niggerality . 12 Of learning nothing at a Lecture , vpon occasion of D● Reynolds at Oxford , afore my Lord of Essex , and diuers Ladies and Courtiers , at the Queenes last beeing there , on these words : I do him nihil est , An Idol is nothing . WHile I at Oxford stay'd , some few months since , To see , and serue our deare & Soueraigne Prince ▪ Where graciously her Grace did see and show The choisest fruits that learning could bestow , I went one day to heare a learned Lecture Read ( as some said ) by Bellarmines correcter , And sundry Courtiers more then present were , That vnderstood it well saue here and there : Among the rest , one whom it least concerned , Askt me what I had at the Lecture learned ? I that his ignorance might soone be guile ▪ Did say , I learned nothing all the while . Yet did the Reader teach with much facilitie , And I was wont to learne with some docilitie . What learn'd you , Sir , ( quoth he ) in swearing moode ? I nothing learn'd , for nought I vnderstood , I thanke my Parents , they , when I was yong , Barr'd me to learne this Popish Romane tong , And yet it seemes to me , if you say true , ● without learning learn'd the same that you , Most true , said I , yet few dare call vs Fooles , That this day learned nothing at the Schooles . 13 A Paradox of Doomes day . SOme Doctors deeme the day of Doome drawes neere : But I can proue the contrary most cleere , For at that day our Lord and Sauiour saith , That he on earth shall scant finde any faith , But in these daies it cannot be denyde , All boast of onely faith and nought beside : But if you seeke the fruit thereof by workes , You shall finde many better with the Turkes . 14 Against a foolish Satyrist called Lynus . HElpe , friends , I feele my credit lyes a bleeding , For Lynus , who to me beares hate exceeding , I heare against me is eu'n now a breeding , A bitter Satyr all of Gall proceeding : Now sweet Apollos Iudge , to be his speeding , For what he writes , I take no care nor heeding . For none of worth wil think them worth the reeding . So my friend Paulus censures them who sweares , That Lynus verse fuits best with Mydas eares , 15 Of a faire woman ; translated out of Casaneus his Catalogus gloriae mundi . THese thirty things that Hellens fame did raise , A Dame should haue that seeks for beuties praise ▪ Three bright , three blacke , three red , 3. short , 3. tall , Three thick , three thin , three close , 3. wide , 3. small : Her skin , and teeth , must be cleare , bright , and neat , Her browes , eyes , priuy parts , as blacke as Ieat : Her cheekes , lips , nayles , must haue Vermillian hiew , Her hāds , hayre , height , must haue ful length to view . Her teeth , foote , eares , all short , no length allowes , Large brests , large hips , large space betweene the browes , A narrow mouth , small waste , streight ( ) Her fingers , hayre , and lips , but thin and slender : Thighs , belly , neck , should be full smooth and round , Nose , head and teats , the least that can be found . Sith few , or none , perfection such attaine , But few or none are fayre , the case is plaine . 16 Of a Hous-hold fray friendly ended . A Man & wife stroue earst who should be master , and hauing chang'd between thē hous-hold speeches , The mā in wrath broght forth a pair of wasters , & swore those 2. shuld proue who ware the breeches . She that could break his head , yet giue him plasters , Accepts the challenge , yet withall beseeches , ●●at she ( as weakest ) then might strike the first , ●nd let him ward , and after doe his worst . ●e swore that should be so , as God should blesse him , ●nd close he lay him to the sured locke . ●e flourishing as though she would not misse him , ●●id downe her cudgell , and with witty mocke , ●he told him for his kindnes , she would kisse him , ●hat now was sworne to giue her neuer knocke . ●ou sware , said she , I should the first blow giue . ●nd I sweare I 'le neuer strike you while I liue . ●n flattring slut , said he , thou dar'st not fight . ● am no Larke , quoth she , man , doe not dare me , ●et me point time and place , as 't is my right By Law of challenge , and then neuer spare me . Agreed , said he . Then rest ( quoth she ) to night , To morrow at Cuckolds hauen , I 'le prepare me . Peace , wife , said he , wee 'le cease all rage and rancor , Ere in that Harbor I will ride at Ancor . 17 Of Blessing without a crosse . A Priest that earst was riding on the way , Not knowing better how to passe the day , Was singing with himselfe Geneua Psalmes . A blind man hearing him , straight beg'd an almes . Man , said the Priest , from coyne I cannot part , But I pray God blesse thee , with all my heart . O , said the man , the poore may liue with losse , Now Priests haue learn'd to Blesse without a crosse . 18 Of writing with a Double meaning . A Certaine man was to a Iudge complaining , How one had written with a Double meaning ▪ Foole , said the Iudge , no man deserueth trouble , For Double meaning , so he deale not Double . 19 Against Cosmus a great Briber . THis wicked age of ours complaines of Bribing , The want of iustice most to that ascribing : When Iudges , who should heare both with equalitie By one side brib'd , to that shew partialitie . But Cosmus in this case doth well prouide , For euer he takes Bribes , of euery side : Wherefore on him complaine can no man rightly , But that he still may sentence giue vprightly . I first would chuse one that all Bribes doth loath , I next could vse him that takes bribes of both . 20 Of a Precise Tayler . A Tayler a man of an vpright dealing , True , but for lying , honest , but for stealing , Did fall one day extremely sicke by chance , And on the sudden was in wondrous trance . The Friends of hell mustring in fearfull manner , Of sundry coloured silke display'd a banner , ●hich he had stolne , and wish't as they did tell , ●●at one day he might finde it all in hell . ●he man affrighted at this apparision , ●pon recouerie grew a great Precision . ●●e bought a Bible of the new translation , ●nd in his life , he shew'd great reformation : ●e walked mannerly , and talked meekely ; ●e heard three Lectures , and two Sermons weekely ; ●e vowed to shunne all companies vnruly , ●nd in his speech he vsde none oath , but truely : ●nd zealously to keepe the Sabboths rest , His meate for that day , on the e'ue was drest . And lest the custome , that hee had to steale , Might cause him sometime to forget his zeale , He giues his iournymen a speciall charge . That if the stuffes allowance being large , He found his fingers were to filch inclin'd , Bid him but haue the Banner in his minde . This done , I scant can tell the rest for laughter , A Captaine of a Ship came three daies after , And brought three yards of Veluet , & three quarters To make Venetians downe below the garters . He that precisely knew what was enuffe , Soone slipt away three quarters of the stuffe . His man espying it , said in derision , Remember , Master , how you saw the vision . Peace ( knaue ) quoth he , I did not see one ragge Of such a colour'd silke in all the flagge . 21 Of one Paulus a great man that expected to be followed . PRoud Paulus late aduanc't to high degree , Expects that I should now his follower be . Glad I would be to follow ones direction , By whom my honest suits might haue protection . But I sue Don Fernandos heyre for land , Against so great a Peere he dare not stand . A Bishop sues me for my tithes , that 's worse , He dares not venter on a Bishops curse . Sergeant Erifilus beares me old grudges , Yea but , saith Paulus , Sergeants may be Iudges . Pure Cinna o're my head would begge my Lease , Who my Lord. — Man , O hold your peace . Rich widdow Lesbia for a slander sues me . Tush for a womans cause , he must refuse me . Then farewell frost : Paulus , henceforth excuse me . For you that are your selfe thrall'd to so many , Shall neuer be my good Lord , if I haue any . 22 Of a terrible Temporall non-resident . OLd Cosmus hath of late got one lewd qualitie , To rayle at some that haue the cure of soules , And his pure sprite their auarice controules , That in their liuings is such inequalitie , That they that can keepe , no good hospitalitie , And some that would , whose fortune he condoles , ●ant meanes : which comes , he sayes , in generalitie , ●ecause of these same To●●●●ts , and Pluralitie ; Affirming as a sentence full discust , One Clergie man haue but one liuing must . ●ut he , besides his sundry ciuill offices , ●ath brought in fee , fiue fat Impropriations , ●welue Patronages rights , or Presentations , ●ll which he keepes , yet preaches not nor prophesies . ●el Cosmus hold thy tong , else some wil scoffe at this . thou d'st haue vs thinke a Priest should haue but one , Wee 'le thinke , nay say , nay sweare thou shouldst haue none . ●l sutes it thee to blame , then for non Residents , That giuest thereof such foule and shamefull Presiden●● . 23 A Tale of a Rosted Horse . ONe Lord , 2. Knights , 3. Squires , 7. Dames at least , My kind friend Marcus bade vnto his Feast , Where were both Fish and Flesh , and all acates , That men are wont to haue that feast great States . To pay for which , next day he sold a Nagge , Of whose pace , colour , Raine , he vs'd to bragge . Well , I le ne're care for red , or fallow Deere , And if a Horse thus cookt can make such cheere . 24 Of Madam Dondrages with her faire brest . A Fauorite of Charles late King of France , Disporting with the King one day by chance , Madam Dondrages came among the rest , All bare , as still she vsed 〈◊〉 her brest . The King would needs haue notice of his Minion ; Of this free Dame what was his franke opinion ? I say , and dare affirme , my liege , quoth he , That if the crupper like the pertrell be , A King a Loue I worthy can account , Vpon so braue a trapped beast to mount . 25 The Author to his wife , of a womans eloquence . MY Mall , I mark that whē you mean to proue me To buy a Veluet gowne , or some rich border , Thou calst me good sweet heart , thou swearst to loue me , Thy locks , thy lips , thy looks , speak all in order , Thou think'st , and right thou think'st , that these doe moue me That all these seuerally thy sute do further : But shall I tell thee what most thy suit aduances ? Thy faire smoothe words ? no , no , thy faire smoothe banches . 26 Of Peleus ill-fortune in burying his friends . OLd Peleus plaines his fortune and ill chaunce , That still he brings his friends vnto the graue . God Peleus , I would thou hadst led the daunce , And I had pointed thee what friends to haue . 27 To my Lady Rogers , of breaking her bitches legge . ●Ast night you laid it ( Madam ) in our dish , How that a mayd of ours , whom we must check , ●●d broke your bitches legge , I straight did wish ●●e baggage rather broken had her neck : 〈◊〉 tooke my answer well , and all was whish . But take me right , I meant in that I said , Your baggage bitch , and not my baggage mayd . 28 Of Paying . A Captaine late arriu'd from losse of Sluce , Hearing some friend of mine did him abuse , ●ow'd he would pay him when he met him next . ●y friend with these great threats nothing perplext , Prayd that the promise faild not of fulfilling , For three yeeres past he lent him fortie shilling . 29 The Author , of his owne fortune . TAke fortune as it falles , as one aduiseth : Yet Heywood bids me take it as it riseth : ●nd while I think to doe as both doe teach , 〈◊〉 falles and riseth quite beside my reach . 30 Of the cause of dearth . I Heare our Country neighbors oft complaine , Their fruits are still destroyd with too much rai● Some gesse by skill of Starres , and Science vaine , Some watry Planet in the heauens doth raigne : No , Sinne doth raigne on earth , the case is plaine Which if we would repent , and then refraine , The skyes would quickly keepe their course againe . Now that with lewdnesse we be luld asleepe , The heauens , to see our wickednesse , doe weepe . 31 To Sir Hugh Portman , in supping alone in too much company . WHen you bade forty guests , to me vnknowne , I came not , though you twice for me did send , For which you blame me as a sullen friend . Sir , pardon me , I list not suppe alone . 32 Of Sextus , a bad husband . HAd I , good Sextus , well considered first , And better thought on phrases of ciuilitie , When I said , you of husbands were the worst , I should haue said , excepting the Nobilitie . Well , none , to speak more mannerly and true , The Nobles , and great States-men , all foreprised , ●n husband worse then you , I neuer knew . ●hen mend , yet thus in mending be aduised : Be no good husband , for as some haue thought , Husbands that will be good , make huswifes nought . 33 Of writing with double pointing . It is said , that King Edward of Carnaruan lying at Berkly Castle prisoner , a Cardinall wrote to his Keeper , Edwardum occidere noli , timere bonum est , which being read with the point at timere , it cost the King his life . Here ensues as doubtfull a point , but I trust , not so dangerous . DAmes are indude with vertues excellent ? What man is he can proue that they offend ? Daily they serue the Lord with good intent : Seld they displease their husbands : to their end Alwaies to please them well they doe intend : Neuer in them one shall finde shrewdnes much . Such are their humors , and their grace is such . 34 To my Lady Rogers . GOod Madame , in this verse obserue one point , That it seemes the Writer did appoint With smoothest oyle of praise your eares to noynt ; Yet one his purpose soone may disappoint . For in this verse disparting but a point . Will put this verse so clearely out of ioynt , That all this praise will scant be worth a point . 35 To her Daughter , vpon the same point , reading the same verse with another point . DAmes are indude with vertues excellent ? What man is he can proue that ? they offend Daily : they serue the Lord with good intent Seld : they displease their husbands to their end Alwaies : to please them well they doe intend Neuer : in them one shall find shrewdnesse much . Such are their humors , and their graces such . 36 MY Mall , the former verses this may teach you , That som deceiue , some are deceiu'd by showes . For this verse in your praise , so smooth that goes , With one false point and stop , did ouer-reach you , And turne the praise to scorne , the rimes to prose , By which you may be slanderd all as Shrowes : And some , perhaps , may say , and speake no treason , The verses had more rime , the prose more reason . 37 Comparison of the Sonnet , and the Epigram . ONce , by mishap , two Poets fell a-squaring , The Sonnet , and our Epigram comparing ; And Faustus , hauing long demurd vpon it , Yet , at the last , gaue sentence for the Sonnet , Now , for such censure , this his chiefe defence is , Their sugred taste best likes his likresse senses . Well , though I grant Sugar may please the taste , Yet let my verse haue salt to make it last . 38 Of an accident of saying grace at the Lady Rogers , who vsed to dine exceeding late . Written to his wife . MY Mall , in your short absence from this place , My selfe here dining at your mothers bord , Your little sonne did thus begin his grace ; The eyes of all things looke on thee , ô Lord , And thou their foode doost giue them in due season . Peace boy , quoth I , not more of this a word , For in this place , this Grace hath little reason : When as we speake to God , we must speake true . And though the meat be good in taste and season , This season for a dinner is not due : Then peace , I say , to lie to God is treason . Say on , my boy , saith shee , your father mocks , Clownes , and not Courtiers , vse to goe by clocks . Courtiers by clocks , said I , and Clownes by cocks . Now , if your mother chide with me for this , Then you must reconcile vs with a kisse . 39 Of Don Pedro and his Poetry . SIr , I shall tell you newes , except you know it , Our noble friend Don Pedro , is a Poet. His verses all abroad are read and showne , And he himselfe doth sweare they are his owne . His owne ? t is true , for he for them hath paid Two crownes a Sonnet , as I heard it said . So Ellen hath faire teeth , that in her purse She keepes all night , and yet sleepes ne're the worse . So widdow Lesbia , with her painted hide , Seem'd , for the time , to make a handsome bride . If Pedro be for this a Poet cald , So you may call one hairie that is bald . 40 A comfort for poore Poets . POets , hereafter , for pensions need not care , Who call you beggers , you may call them lyers , Verses are growne such merchantable ware , That now for Sonnets , sellers are , and buyers . 41 Against a foolish Satyrist . I Read that Satyre thou intitlest first , And layd aside the rest , and ouer-past , And sware , I thought , that th' author was accurst , That that first Satyre had not been his last . 42 An Epitaph in commendation of George Turberuill , a learned Gentleman . WHen rimes were yet but rude , thy pen ende●uore● To pollish Barbarisme with purer stile : ●hē times were grown most old , thy heart perseuered ●incere & iust , vnstaind with gifts or guile . ●ow liues thy soule , though frō thy corps disseuered , ●here high in blisse , here cleare in fame the while ; To which I pay this debt of due thanks-giuing , My pen doth praise thee dead , thine grac'd me liuing ●3 To the Queenes Maiestie , when shee found fault with some particular matters in Misacmos Metamorphosis . O Read Soueraign , take this true , though poore excuse , Of all the errors of Misacmos Muse , 〈◊〉 hound that of a whelpe my selfe hath bred , ●nd at my hand and table taught and fed , When other curres did fawne and flatter coldly , ●id spring and leape , and play with me too boldly : For which , although my Pages check and rate him , Yet stil my self doth much more loue thē hate him . ●4 To the Ladies of the Queenes Priuy-chamber , at the making of their perfumed priuy at Richmond , The Booke hanged in chaines saith thus : FAire Dames , if any tooke in scorne , and spite Me , that Misacmos Muse in mi●th did write , 〈◊〉 satisfie the sinne , loe , h●re in chaines , ●or aye to hang , my Master he ordaines . ●et deeme the deed to him no derogation , But doome to this deuice new commendation , Sith here you see , feele , smell that his conueyance Hath freed this noysome place from all annoyance . Now iudge you , that the work mock , enuie , taunt , Whose seruice in this place may make most vaunt : If vs , or you , to praise it , were most meet , You , that made sowre , or vs , that make it sweet ? 45 To Master Cooke , the Queenes Atturney , that wa● incited to call Misacmos into the Starre-chamber , but refused it ; saying , he that could giue another a Ven●e , had a sure ward for himselfe . THose that of dainty fare make deare prouision , If some bad Cookes marre it with dressing euill , Are wont to say in iest , but iust derision , The meat from God , the Cookes came frō the diuell . But , if this dish , though draffe in apparision , Were made thus sawst , a seruice not vnciuill , Say ye that taste , and not digest the Booke , The Dee'le go with the meat , God with the Cooke . 46 Against Lynus , a Wryter , that found fault with the Metamorphosis . LYnus , to giue to me a spightfull frumpe , Said that my writings sauourd of the Pumpe , And that my Muse , for want of matter , takes An Argument to write of from the Iakes . Well , Lynus , speake each Reader as he thinks , Though thou of Scepters wrat'st , and I of sinks , Yet some will say , comparing both together , My wit brings matter thence , thine matter thither . 47 Of Garlick to my Lady Rogers . ●F Leckes you like , and doe the smell disleeke , Eate Onions , and you shall not smell the Leeke : 〈◊〉 you of Onions would the sent expell , ●ate Garlick , that will drowne th'Onyons smell . But sure , gainst Garlicks sauour , at one word , I know but one receit , what 's that ? ( go looke . ) 48 A dish of dainties for the Diuell . A Godly Father , sitting on a draught , To doe as need , & Nature hath vs taught , ●umbled , as was his manner , certaine prayers : ●nd vnto him , the Diuell straight repaires , ●nd boldly to reuile him he begins , ●lleaging , that such prayers are deadly sinnes ; ●nd that it prou'd he was deuoyd of grace , ●o speake to God in so vnfit a place . ●he reuerend man , though at the first dismayd , ●et strong in faith , thus to the Diuell said ; ●hou damned Spirit , wicked , false , and lying , ●espayring thine owne good , and ours enuying : ●ach take his due , and me thou canst not hurt , ●o God my prayer I meant , to thee the durt . Pure prayer ascends to him that high doth fit . Downe falls the filth , for fiends of hell more fit . 49 Of Don Pedro his sweet breath . HOw i st , Don Pedros breath is still perf●m'd , And that he neuer like himselfe doth smell ? I like it not , for still it is presum'd ; Who smelleth euer well , smells neuer well . 50 Misacmos against his Booke . THe Writer and the matter well might meet , Were he as eloquent , as it is sweet . 51 Of Cloacina and Sterquitius . THe Romanes euer counted superstitious Adored with high titles of Diuinitie , Dame Cloacina , and the Lord Sterquitius , Two persons in their State of great affinitie . But we , that scorne opinions so pernitious , Are taught by Truth well try'd , t' adore the Trinitie . And , who-so care of true Religion takes , Wil think such Saints wel shrined in AIAX . 52 To the Queene when she was pacified , and had sent Misacmos thankes for the inuention . A Poet once of Traian begd a Lease , ( Traian , terror of Warre , mirror of Peace ) ●●d doubting how his writings were accepted , ●●inst which he heard some Courtiers had excepted ; ●● came to him , and with all due submission , ●●liuered this short Verse , with this Petition : ●●are Soueraigne , if you like not of my Writings , 〈◊〉 this sweet cordiall to a spirit daunted . 〈◊〉 if you reade , and like my poore enditings , 〈◊〉 for reward let this small sute be granted . Of which short Verse , I finde insu'd such fruit , The Poet , of the Prince obtain'd his sute . 53 A Poets Priuiledge . PAinters and Poets claime by old enroulement , A Charter , to dare all without controulement . 54 To Faustus . FAustus findes fault , my Epigrams are short , Because to reade them , he doth make some sport : I thanke thee , Faustus , though thou iudgest wrong , Ere long I 'le make thee sweare they be too long . 55 Against Faustus . WHat is the cause , Faustus , that in dislike Proud Paulus still doth touch thee with a Pike ? 〈◊〉 breedeth in my minde a great confusion , ●o thinke what he should meane by such elusion . Trowst thou hee meanes , that thou mightst make a Pikemā ? That cānot be , for that thou art no like man. Thy crazed bones cannot endure the shocke , Besides , his manner is to speake in mocke . Or i st , because the Pike's a greedy Fish , Deuoures as thou dost many a dainty Dish ? And in another sort , and more vnkinde , Wilt bite , and spoile those of thy proper kinde ? Or doth he meane thou art a quarrell-piker , That amongst men , wert neuer thought a striker ? In this he sayes , thou art a Christian brother , That stricken on one eare , thou turnest the other . Or doth he meane that thou would'st picke a thanke ? No sure , for of that fault I count thee franke . How can thy tale to any man be gratefull , Whose person , manners , face and all 's so hatefull ? Then , Faustus , I suspect yet one thing worse , Thou hast pickt somwhat else . What 's that ? a purse ? 56 Of mis-conceiuing . LAdies , you blame my verses of scurrilitie , While with the double sense you were deceiu'd . Now you confesse them free from inciuilitie . Take heede henceforth you be not misconceiu'd . 57. How the Bathe is like Purgatory . WHether it be a Fable , or a Story , That Beda and others write of Purgatory : ● know no place that more resemblance hath With that same Purgatory , then the Bathe . Men there with paines , doe purge their passed sinnes , Many with paines , purge here their parched skins : ●rying and freezing are the paines there told , Here the chiefe paine , consists in heate and cold . Confused cryes , vapour and smoke and stinke , ●re certaine here : that there they are , some thinke There fire burnes Lords and Lowts without respect , Our water for his force workes like effect : Thence none can be deliuered without praying , Hence no man is deliuered without paying . But once escaped thence , hath sure saluation , But those goe hence , still feare recidiuation . 58 Of going to Bathe . A Common phrase long vsed here hath beene , And by prescription now some credit hath : That diuers Ladies comming to the Bathe , Come chiefely but to see , and to be seene . But if I should declare my conscience briefely , ● cannot thinke that is their Arrant chiefely . For as I heare that most of them haue dealt , They chiefely came to feele , and to be felt . 59 Of Plaine dealing . MY writings oft displease you : what 's the matter You loue not to heare truth , nor I to flatter . 60 Against Paulus . BEcause in these so male contented times , I please my selfe with priuate recreation ; In reading or in sweetest contemplation , Or writing sometime prose , oft pleasant rimes : Paulus , whom I haue thought my friend sometimes , Seekes all he may to taint my reputation : Not with complaints , nor any haynous crimes , But onely saying in his scoffing fashion , These writers that still sauour of the schooles , Frame to themselues a Paradice of fooles . But while he scornes our mirth and plaine simplicitie , Himselfe doth sayle to Affricke and Ind. And seekes with hellish paines , yet doth not finde That blisse , in which he frames his wise felicitie . Now which of twaine is best , some wise men tell , Our Paradice , or else wise Paulus hell . 61 Of Caius hurts in the warre . CAius of late return'd from Flemmish warres , Of certaine little scratches beares the skarres , And for that most of them are in his face , With tant plus beau hee showes them for his grace . ●et came they not by dint of Pike , or Dart , ●ut with a pot , a pint , or else a quart . But he ne're makes his boast , how , and by whom , He hath receiu'd a greater blow at home . 62 Of two Welsh Gentlemen . I Heard among some other pretty Tales , How once there were two Gentlemen of Wales , Of Noble bloud , discended of his House , That from our Ladies gowne did take a Louse . These two ( thus goes the tale ) vpon a day , Did hap to trauell vpon London way : ●nd for 't was cumbersome to weare a boote , ●or their more ease , they needs would walke afoote . Their fare was dainty , and of no small cost , ●or euery meale they call'd for bak't and rost . ●nd lest they should their best apparell lacke , Each of them bore his Wardrobe at his backe . Their Arrant was , but sore against their wils , ●o Westminster to speake with Master Milles. ●o maruell men of such a sumptuous Dyet , Were brought into the Star-chamber for a Ryot . These Squires one night arriued at a towne , To looke their lodgings , when the Sun was downe . And for the Inne-keeper his gates had locked , ●n haste , like men of some account they knocked . The drowsie Chamberlaine doth aske who 's there . They told that Gentlemen of Wales they were . How many , quoth the man , is there of you ? Quoth they , Here is Iohn ap Rice , ap Iones , ap Hue ; And Nicholas ap Steuen , ap Giles , ap Dauy. Then Gentlemen , adue , quoth he , God saue ye . Your Worships might haue had a bed or twaine , But how can that suffice so great a traine ? 63 To Master Maior of Bathe , that Bathe is like Paradice . SIr , if you either angry were or sory , That I haue lik'ned Bathe to Purgatory : Loe , to re-gaine your fauour in a trice , I 'le proue it much more like to Paradice . Man was at first in Paradice created , Many men still in Bathe are procreated . Man liu'd there in state of Innocence , Here many liue in wit , like Innocents . There sprang the heads of foure most noble streames From hence flow springs , not matcht in any Realme● Those springs & fruits , brought helpe for each disease These vnto many maladies bring ease . Man , there was monylesse , naked and poore . Many goe begging here from dore to dore . Man there did taste the Tree he was forbidden . Here many men taste fruits , makes them be chidden Angels dwell there in pure and shining habit . Angels like faces , some this place inhabit . Angels let in all are admitted thither , Angels keepe in all are admitted hither . Many are said to goe to heauen from thence , Many are sent to heauen , or hell , from hence . But in this one thing likenesse most is fram'd , That Men in Bathe goe naked , not asham'd . 64 Of Don Pedro's debts . DOn Pedro's out of debt , be bold to say it , For they are said to owe , that meane to pay it . 65 Of one that vow'd to dis-inherit his sonne , and giue his goods to the poore . A Citizen that dwelt neere Temple-barre , By hap one day fell with his Sonne at Iarre ; Whom for his euill life , and lewd demerit , He oft affirm'd , he would quite dis-inherit , And vow'd his goods , and lands , all to the poore , His sonne what with his play , what with his whore , Was so consum'd at last , as he did lacke Meate for his mouth , and clothing for his backe . O craftie pouerty ! his father now , May giue him all he hath , yet keepe his vow . 66 Of a Precise Cobler , and an ignorant Curat . A Cobler , and a Curat , once disputed Afore a Iudge , about the Queenes Iniunctions , And sith that still the Curat was confuted , One said 't was fit that they two changed functions . Nay , said the Iudge , that motion much I lothe , But if you will , wee 'le make them Coblers both . 67 Of Lynus Poetrie . WHen Lynus thinkes that he and I are friends , Then all his Poems vnto me he sends : His Disticks , Satyrs , Sonnets , and Exameters , His Epigrams , his Lyricks , his Pentameters . Then I must censure them , I must correct them , Then onely I must order , and direct them . I read some three or foure , and passe the rest , And when for answere , I by him am prest , I say , that all of them , some praise deserue , For certaine vses I could make them serue . But yet his rime is harsh , vneu'n his number , The manner much , the matter both doth cumber . His words too strange , his meanings are too mistic● But at one word , I best indure his Disticke : And yet , might I perswade him in mine humor , Not to affect vaine praise of common rumor , Then should he write of nothing : for indeede , Gladly of nothing I his verse would reade . 68 Of one that seekes to be stellified being no Pithagorian . AN vse there was among some Pithagorians , If we giue credit to the best Historians : How they that would obserue the course of Starres , To purge the vapors , that our cleere sight tarres , And bring the braine vnto a settled quiet , Did keepe a wondrous strict and sparing dyet , Drinke water from the purest heads of springs , Eate Hearbs and Flowers , not taste of liuing things : And then to this scant fare , their bookes applying , They call'd this sparing Dyet , Stellifying . Then thinkest thou , professed Epicure , That neuer couldest vertuous paines endure , That eat'st fat Venson , bowzest Claret Wine , ●o'st play till twelue , and sleepe till after nine , And in a Coach like Vulcans sonne dost ride , That thou art worthy to be stellified ? 69 Against Momus . LEwd Momus loues , mens liues and lines to skan , Yet said ( by chance ) I was an honest man. ●ut yet one fault of mine , he strait rehearses , Which is , I am so full of toyes and verses . True , Momus , true , that is my fault , I grant . ●et when thou shalt thy chiefest vertue vaunt , I know some worthy Sprites one might entice , To leaue that greatest Vertue , for this Vice. 70 Of Galla , and her Tawny fanne . WHen Galla and my selfe doe talke together , Her face she shroudes with fanne of tawny Fether , And while my thought somewhat thereof deuiseth , A double doubt within my minde ariseth : As first , her skin or fanne which looketh brighter , And second whether those her looks be lighter , Thē that same Plume wherwith her looks were hidden , But if I cleer'd these doubts , I should be chidden . 71 To his Wife for striking her Dogge . YOur little Dogge that barkt as I came by , I strake by hap so hard , I made him cry , And straight you put your finger in your eye , And lowring sate , and askt the reason why . Loue me , and loue my Dogge , thou didst reply : Loue as both should be lou'd . I will , said I , And seald it with a kisse . Then by and by , Cleer'd were the clouds of thy faire frowning sky . Thus small euents , great masteries may try . For I by this , doe at their meaning ghesse , That beate a Whelpe afore a Lyonesse . 72 Against a Wittall Broker that set his wife to sale . I See thee sell Swords , Pistols , Clokes , and Gowns , With Dublets , Slops , & they that pay thee crowns ; Doe , as 't is reason , beare away the ware , Which to supply , is thy continuall care . But thy wiues ware , farre better rate doth hold , Which vnto sundry chapmen's dayly sold. Her Fayre lasts all the yeere , and doth not finish , Nor doth her ware ought lessen , or diminish . 73 Of his translation of Ariosta . I Spent some yeeres , & months , & weeks , and dayes , In Englishing the Italian Ariost. And straight some offered Epigrams in praise Of that my thankelesse paines , and fruitlesse cost . But while this offer did my spirits raise , And that I told my friend thereof in post : He disapprou'd the purpose many wayes , And with this prouerbe prou'd it labour lost : Good Ale doth need no signe , good Wine no bush , Good verse of praisers , needs not passe a rush . 74 Of Cinna's Election . PVre Cinna makes no question he 's elect , Yet lewdly liues : I might beleeue him better , If he would change his life , or change one letter , And say that he is sure he is eiect . An holy , true , and long preserued purity , May hap , and bu● perhap breede such securitie . 75 The Author to a Daughter of nine yeere olde . THough pride in Damsels is a hatefull vice , Yet could I like a Noble-minded Girle , That would demand me things of costly price , Rich Veluet gownes , pendents , and chaines of Pearle Carknets of Aggats , cut with rare deuice , Not that hereby she should my minde entice To buy such things against both wit and profit , But I like well she should be worthy of it . 76 To the Earle of Essex , of one enuious of Ariosto translated . MY Noble Lord , some men haue thought me prou● Because my Furioso is so spred , And that your Lordship hath it seene and read , And haue my veine , and paine therein alowd . No sure , I say , and long time since haue vowd , My fancies shall not with such baits be fed , Nor am I fram'd so light in foote or head , That I should daunce at sound of praises crow'd : Yes I 'le confesse this pleas'd me when I heard it , How one that euer carpes at others writings , Yet seldome any showes of his enditings : With much adoe gaue vp this hungry verdit , 'T was well he said , but 't was but a translation . Is 't not a Ramme that buts of such a fashion ? 77 Of a speechlesse woman . To his wife . A Curst wife , of her husbands dealings doubting , At his home comming silent was and mute , ●nd when with kindnesse he did her salute , ●he held her peace , and lowring sate and pouring , Which humor that he thought to check with flouting : He caus'd one secretly to raise a brute That she lay speechlesse : straight the Bell doth toule , ●nd men deuoutly giuen , pray'd for her soule . Then some kinde Gossips made a speciall sute ●o visit her , her hard case to condole : ●he wondred at the cause : but when she knew it , ●rom that time forward , so her tongue did role , ●hat her good man did wish he had been breechlesse , When first he gaue it forth , that she was speechlesse . Well then , my Moll , lest my mis-hap be such , Be neuer dumbe , yet neuer speake too much . 78 Of a dumbe Horse . WHen you and I , Paulus once Hackneys hired , Rode late to Rochester , my Hackney tired : You that will lose a friend , to coine a iest , Play'd thus on me , and my poore tyred beast . Marke , in Misacmos Horse , a wondrous change , A sudden Metamorphosis most strange . His horseway lay at rising of the Sunne , And now you plaine may see his Horse is downe . Well , Paulus , thus with me , you please to sport , But thus againe , your scoffe I can retort . Your haire was blacke , and therein was your glory : But in two yeeres , it grew all gray and hoary . Now like my Hackney worne with too much trauell , Mired in the clay , or tired in the grauell . While two yeere more ouer your head are runne , Your haire is neither blacke , nor gray , 't is dunne . 79 Of Leda that plaid at Tables with her Husband . IF tales are told of Leda be not Fables , Thou with thy Husband do'st play false at Tables . First , thou so cunningly a Die canst slurre , To strike an Ace so dead , it cannot sturre . Then play thou for a pound , or for a pin , High men are low men , still are foysted in . Thirdly through , for free entrance is no fearing , Yet thou dost ouerreach him still at bearing : If poore Almes-ace , or Sincts , haue beene the cast , Thou bear'st too many men , thou bear'st too fast . Well , Leda , heare my counsell , vse it not , Else your faire game may haue so foule a blot , That he to lose , or leaue , will first aduenture , Then in so shamefull open points to enter . 80 Of Soothsaying , to the Queene of England . MIght Queenes shun future mischiefe by foretelling , Thē among Soothsayers 't were excellent dwelling : ●ut if there be no means , such harms expelling , The knowledge makes the grief , the more excelling . Well , yet deare Liege , my soule this comfort doth , That of these Soothsayers very few say sooth . 81 How an Asse may proue an Elephant . ●T hath beene said , to giue good spirits hope , A Knight may proue a King , a Clarke , a Pope ▪ ●ut our yong spirits disdaining all old Rules , Compar'd by holy Writ , to Horse and Mules : T is vaine with ancient Prouerbs , to prouoke ●o vertuous course , with these such beare no stroke . Then their old pride , let my new Prouerb dant , An Asse may one day proue an Elephant . 82 Of a Precise Lawyer . A Lawyer call'd vnto the Barre but lately , Yet one that lofty bare his lookes , and stately , And how so e're his minde was in sinceritie , His speech and manners shew'd a great austeritie . This Lawyer hop'd to be a bidden ghest , With diuers others to a Gossips feast . Where though that many did by entercourse , Exchange sometimes from this , to that discourse : Yet one bent brow , and frowne of him was able , To gouerne all the talke was at the table . His manner was , perhaps to helpe digestion , Still to Diuinitie to draw each question : In which his tongue extrauagant would range , And he pronounced Maxims very strange . First , he affirmd , it was a passing folly , To thinke one day more then another holy . If one said Michaelmas , straight he would chide , And tell them they must call it Michaels tide . If one had sneezde to say ( as is the fashion ) Christ helpe , 't was witchcraft , & deseru'd damnation ▪ Now when he talked thus , you must suppose , The Gossips cup came often from his nose . And were it the warme spice , or the warme wether , At least he sneezed twice or thrice together . A pleasant ghest , that kept his words in minde , And heard him sneeze , in scorne said , Keepe behinde At which the Lawyer taking great offence , Said , Sir , you might haue vs'd saue reuerence . I would quoth th' other , saue I fear'd you Would then haue cal'd saue reuerence witchcraft too . 83 A Prophesie when Asses shall grow Elephants . 1 WHen making harmful gunnes , vnfruitfull glasses , Shall quite consume our stately Oakes to ashes : 2 When Law fils all the land with blots and dashes , 3 When land long quiet , held concealed , passes . 4 When warre and truce playes passes and repasses , 5 When Monopolies are giu'n of toyes and trashes : 6 When courtiers mar good clothes , with cuts & slashes , 7 Whe Lads shal think it free to ly with Lasses , 8 Whē clergy romes to buy , sell , none abashes , 9 Whē fowle skins are made fair with new found washes , 10 Whē prints are set on work , with Greens & Nashes , 11 When Lechers learn to stir vp Lust with lashes , When plainnesse vanishes , vainenesse surpasses , Some shal grow Elephants , were knowne but Asses . 84 To my Lady Rogers of her seruant Paine . YOur seruant Payne , for Legacies hath sued Seuen yeeres . I askt him how his matter passes . He tels how his Testator left not assets . By which plea him th'executor would allude . ● in this Lawyers French both dull and rude , Replide , the plea my learning farre surpasses . Yet when reports of both sides I had view'd In Forma paper , this I did conclude ; He was left Pauper , and all his Counsell asses : Yet you would giue a hundred crownes or twaine , That you could cleare discharge your seruant Paine . 84 Of one that is vnwilling to lend money . WHen I but buy two suites of rich apparrell , Or some faire ready horse against the running , Rich Quintus , that same Miser , slye and cunning , Yet my great friend , begins to pick a quarrell , To tell me how his credit is in perill ; How some great Lord ( whose name may not be spoken , With him for twenty thousand crownes hath broken . Then , with a fained sigh , and signe of sorrow , Swearing he thinks these Lords will quite vndoe him , He cals his seruant Oliuer vnto him , And sends to the Exchange , to take on vse One thousand poūds , must needs be paid to morrow . Thus would he blind mine eyes with this abuse , And thinks , though he was sure I came to borrow , That now I needs must shut my mouth for shame . Fie , Quintus , fie , then when I speak deny me . But to deny me thus , before I try thee , Blush and confesse that you be too too blame . 85 Against Promoters . BAse spies , disturbers of the publike rest , With forged wrongs , the true mans right that wrest : ●acke hence exil'd to desart lands , and waste . And drinke the cup that you made others taste . But yet the Prince to you doth bounty show , That doth your very liues on you bestow . 86 Against too much trust . ●F you will shrowde you safe from all mis-haps , And shunne the cause of many after-claps : Put not in any one , too much beliefe : Your ioy will be the lesse , so will your griefe . 87 Of dangerous reconciling . DIcke said , Beware a reconciled foe , For , though he sooth your words , he seekes your woe : ●ut I would haue my friend late reconciled , ●eware then Dicke , lest he be worst beguiled . 88 Of Leda that saies she is sure to be saued . SInce Leda knew that sure she was elected , She buyes rich clothes , fares well , and makes her boast : Her corps , the Temple of the Holy Ghost , Must be more cherrished , and more respected : But Leda liueth still to sinne subiected . Tell Leda , that her friend Misacmos feares , That till she get a mind of more submission , And purge that corps with Hysope of contrition , And wash that sinful soule with saltish tears , Though Quailes she eates , though Gold & Pearle she weares , Yet sure she doth with damned Core & Dathan , But feed and clad a Synagogue of Sathan . 89 To the Lady Rogers , of her vnprofitable sparing . WHen I to you sometimes make friendly motion , To spend vp your superfluous prouision , Or sell the same for coyne , or for deuotion , To make thereof among the poore diuision ; Straight you answere me , halfe in derision , And bid me speake against your course no more : For plenty you doe loue , store is no sore . But ah , such store is enemy to plenty , You waste for feare to want , I dare assume it : For , while to sell , spend , giue , you make such dainty , Keepe corne and cloth , till rat and rot consume it , Let meat so mould , till muske cannot perfume it , And by such sparing , seeke to mend such store , Sore is such store , and God offending sore . 90 Against Church-robbers , vpon a picture that hangs where it is worthy . THe Germans haue a by-word at this houre , By Luther taught , by Painters skill exprest , How Sathan daily Fryers doth deuoure , Whom in short space he doth so well disgest , That passing downe through his posterior parts , Tall souldiers thence he to the world deliuers , And out they flie , all arm'd with pikes and darts , With halberts , & with muskets and caliuers . According to this Lutheran opinions , They that deuoure whole Churches and their rents , I meane our fauourites and Courtly Minions , Void Forts and Castles , in their excrements . 91 A Tale of a Bayliffe distraining for rent . To my Ladie Rogers . I Heard a pleasant tale at Cammington , There where my Lady dwelt , cald The faire Nun , How one that by his office was Deceiuer , My tongue oft trips ) I should haue said Receiuer , Or to speake plaine and true , an arrant Baylie , Such as about the Country trauell daily , That when the quarter day was two daies past , Went presently to gather rents in hast . And if , as oft it hapt , he brake good manner , He straight would plead the custome of the Mannor , Swearing he might distraine all goods and chattell , Were it in moueables , or else quick cattell . This Bayliffe , comming to a tenement , In the Tenants absence , straynd his wife for rent ; In which the beast so pliable he found , He neuer needes to driue her to the pound . The Tenant , by intelligence , did ghesse , The Bayliffe taken had a wrong distresse : And to the Bayliffes wife he went complaining , Of this her husbands vsage in distraining ; Requesting her like curtesies to render , And to accept such rent as he would tender . She , whether moued with some strange compassion , Or that his tale did put her in new passion , Accepts his payment like a gentle wench ; All coyne was currant , English , Spanish , French : And when she taken had his sorrie pittance , I thinke , that with a kisse she seal'd the quittance . Whē next these husbands met , they chaft , they curst ▪ Happy was he that could cry Cuckold furst . From spightfull words , they fell to daggers drawing ▪ And after , each to other threatned lawing . Each party seekes to make him strong by faction , In seuerall Courts they enter seuerall action , Actions of Battery , actions in the Case , With riots , routes , disturbed all the place . Much bloud , much money had been spilt and spent , About this foolish straining for the rent ; Saue that a gentle Iustice of the Peace , Willing to cause such foolish quarrels cease , Preuail'd so with the parties by entreatie , Of concord both agreed to haue a treatie : And both refer'd the matter to the Iustice , Who hauing well obseru'd what a iest is : To thinke two Cuckolds were so fairely parted , Each hauing tane the blow , that neuer smarted , He charged each of them shake hands together , And when they meet , to say , Good morrow , brother . Thus each quit other all old debts and dribblets , And set the Hares head , 'gainst the Gooses giblets . 92 Of casting out Spirits with fasting , without Prayer . A Vertuous Dame that for her state and qualitie , Did euer loue to keepe great Hospitalitie , ●er name I must not name in plaine reciting , ●ut thus the chiefest instrument in writing , Was , by Duke Humfreys ghests so boldly haunted , ●hat her good minde thereby was shrewdly daunted . ●he sighing said one day to a carelesse Iester , ●hese ill bred ghests my boord and house so pester , ●hat I pray God oft times with all my heart , ●hat they would leaue this haunt , and hence depart : ●e that by his owne humor hap'ly ghest , What manner sprite these smel-feasts had possest , Told him , the surest way such spirits out-casting , Was , to leaue prayer awhile , & fall to fasting . 93 Against Itis a Poet. ITis with leaden sword doth wound my Muse , Itis whose Muse in vncouth termes doth swagger ▪ For should I wish Itis for this abuse , But to his leaden sword , a woodden dagger : 94 Of Wittoll . CAyus , none reckned of thy wife a poynt , While each man might , without all let or cūbe● But since a watch o're her thou didst appoint , Of Customers she hath no little number . Well , let them laugh hereat that list , and scoffe it , But thou do'st find what makes most for thy profi● The end of the first Booke . Sir IOHN HARRINGTONS Epigrams , the second Booke . 1 To the Lady Rogers , th' authors wiues Mother . ●F I but speake words of a pleasing sound : Yea though the same be but in sport and play , ●ou bid me peace , or else a thousand pound , ●uch words shall worke out of my childrens way . When you say thus , I haue no word to say . ●hus without Obligation , I stand bound , ●hus , wealth makes you command , hope me obay . ●ut let me finde this true another day : ●lse when your body shall be brought to ground , Your soule to blessed Abrahams bosome , I. May with good manners giue your soule the lye . 2 Of the Bishopricke of Landaffe . A Learned Prelate late dispos'd to laffe , Hearing me name the Bishop of Landaffe : You should say , he aduising well hereon , Call him Lord Aff : for all the land is gone . 3 Of Don Pedro's Dyet drinke . DOn Pedro drinkes to no man at the boord , Nor once a taste doth of his cup affoord . Some thinke it pride in him : but see their blindnesse I know therein , his Lordship doth vs kindnesse . 4 Of Leda and Balbus . LEda was Balbus queane , yet might shee haue denide it . She weds him , now what meanes hath Leda left to hide it ? 5 Of Cinna his Gossip cup. WHen I with thee , Cinna , doe dine or sup , Thou still do'st offer me thy Gossips cup : And though it sauour well , and be well spiced , Yet I to taste therof am not enticed . Now sith you needs will haue me cause alledge , While I straine curt'sie in that cup to pledge : One said , thou mad'st that cup so hote of spice , That it had made thee now a widdower twice . I will not say 't is so , nor that I thinke it : But good Sir , pardon me , I cannot drinke it . 6 Of Leda's Religion . MY louely Leda , some at thee repining , Askt me vnto what sect thou art inclining ? Which doubts shall I resolue among so many , Whether to none , to one , to all , to any ? Surely one should be deem'd a false accusant , That would appeach Leda for a Recusant . Her fault according to her former vsing , Was noted more in taking , then refusing . For Lent , or Fasts , she hath no superstition , For if she haue not chang'd her old condition : Be it by night in bed , in day in dish , Flesh vnto her more welcome is then Fish. Thou art no Protestant , thy fals-hood saith , Thou canst not hope to saue thy selfe by faith . Well , Leda , yet to shew my good affection , I le say thy sect is of a double section . A Brownist louely browne , thy face and brest , The Families of Loue , in all the rest . 7 That fauorites helpe the Church . OF late I wrote after my wanton fashion , That fauourites consume the Churches rents : But mou'd in conscience with retraction , I le shew how sore that rashnes me repents . For noting in my priuate obseruation , What rents and schismes among vs dayly grow : No hope appeares of reconciliation , By helpe of such as can , or such as know . My Muse must sing , although my soule laments , That Fauorites increase the Churches rents . 8 Of Cinna his courage . PVre Cinna saith , and proudly doth professe , That if the quarrell he maintaines be good : No man more valiant is to spend his bloud , No man can dread of death , of danger lesse . But if the cause be bad , he doth confesse , His heart is cold , and cowardly his moode . Well , Cinna , yet this cannot be withstood , Thou hast but euill lucke , I shrewdly gesse , That biding whereas brawles are bred most rife , Thou neuer hadst good quarrell all thy life . 9 Of a Lawyer that deseru'd his fee. SExtus retain'd a Sergeant at the Lawes , With one good Fee in an ill-fauor'd cause . The matter bad , no Iudge nor Iury plyent , The verdit clearely past against the Clyent . With which he chaft , and swore he was betray'd , Because for him the Sergeant little said : And of the Fee , he would haue barr'd him halfe . Whereat the Sergeant wroth , said , Dizzard Calfe , Thou would'st , if thou hadst wit , or sence to see , Confesse I had deseru'd a double Fee , That stood and blushed there in thy behalfe . 10 Of Don Pedro. A Slaue thou wert by birth , of this I gather , For euer more thou sai'st , my Lord , my Father . 11 Against Lynus a writer . I Heare that Lynus growes in wondrous choller , Because I said , he wrote but like a scholler . If I haue said so , Linus , I must grant it , What ere I speake thy scholler-ship concerning , I neuer thought , or meant , that thou hast learning : But that hereof may grow some more recitall , I 'le teach thee how to make mee full requitall . Say thou to breed me equall spight and choller , Misacmos neuer writes , but like a scholler . 12 Of Don Pedros bonds . DOn Pedro cares not in what bonds he enter . Then I to trust Don Pedro soone will venter . For no man can of bonds stand more secure , Then he that meanes to keepe his paiment sure . 13 Against Cayus that scorn'd his Metamorphosis . LAst day thy Mistris , Cayus , being present , One hapt to name , to purpose not vnpleasant , The Title of my mis-conceiued Booke : At which you spit , as though you could not brooke So grosse a Word : but shall I tell the matter Why ? If one names a Iax , your lips doe water . There was the place of your first loue and meeting , There first you gaue your Mistris such a greeting , As bred her scorne , your shame , and others lafter , And made her feele it twenty fortnights after : Then thanke their wit , that make the place so sweet , That for your Hymen you thought place so meet . But meet not Maids at Madam Cloacina , Lest they cry nine moneths after , Helpe Lucina . 14 Against an Atheist . THat heau'ns are voide , & that no gods there are , Rich Paulus saith , and all his proofe is this : That while such blasphemies pronounce he dare , He liueth here in ease , and earthly blisse . 15 Of Cosmus heyre . WHen all men thought old Cosmus was a dying , And had by Will giu'n thee much goods & lands , Oh , how the little Cosmus fell a crying ▪ Oh , how he beates his brests , and wring his hands ! How feruently for Cosmus health he pray'd ! What worthy Almes he vow'd , on that condition : But when his pangs a little were allayd , ●nd health seem'd hoped , by the learn'd Physicion , Then though his lips , all loue , and kindnesse vanted , His heart did pray , his prayer might not be granted . 16 Of Faustus , a stealer of Verses . I Heard that Faustus oftentimes reherses , To his chaste Mistris , certaine of my Verses : ●n which with vse , so perfect he is growne , ●hat she poore foole , now thinkes they are his owne . ● would esteeme it ( trust me ) grace , not shame , ●f Dauis , or if Daniel did the same . ●or would I thanke , or would I quarrell pike , ● when I list , could doe to them the like . ●ut who can wish a man a fowler spight , ●hen haue a blinde man take away his light ? A begging Theefe , is dangerous to my purse : A baggage Poet to my Verse is worse . 17 Misacmos of himselfe . MVse you , Misacmos failes in some endeuour . Alas , an honest man 's a Nouice euer . Fie , but a man 's disgrac'd , noted a Nouice . Yea , but a man 's more grac'd , noted of no vice . 18 Of the corne that rained . I Handled , tasted , saw it with mine eyes , The graine that lately fell downe from the skies : Yet what it tok'ned could I not deuise , And many doubts did in my minde arise . At last , I thus resolu'd , it signifies That this is our sole meane , to mend this dearth , To aske from heau'n , that we doe lacke on earth . 19 To his wife , at the birth of his sixt Child . THe Poet Martiall made a speciall sute Vnto his Prince , to grant him vnder seale , Right of three children , which they did impute A kinde of honour , in their Common-weale . But for such sute , my selfe I need not trouble , For thou do'st seale to me this Patent double . 20 Against Feasting . KInde Marcus , me to supper lately bad , And to declare how well to vs he wishes , The roome was strow'd with Roses and with Rushes , And all the cheere was got , that could be had . Now in the midst of all our dainty dishes , Me thinke , said he to me , you looke but sad , Alas ( said I ) 't is to see thee so mad , To spoile the skies of Fowles , the seas of fishes , The land of beasts , and be at so much cost , For that which in one houre will all be lost . That entertainment that makes me most glad , Is not the store of stew'd , boyl'd , bak't and rost . But sweet discourse , meane fare ; & then beleeue me , To make to thee like cheere , shall neuer grieue me . 21 Against Cosmus couetousnesse . COsmus , when I among thine other vices , That are in nature foule , in number many , Aske thee what is the reason thee entices , To be so basely pinching for thy penny ? Do'st thou not call vpon thy selfe a curse , Not to enioy the wealth that thou hast wonne : But saue , as if thy soule were in thy purse ? Thou straight reply'st , I saue all for my sonne . Alas , this re-confirmes what I said rather : Cosmus hath euer beene a Penny-●ather . 22 Against Vintners in Bathe . IF men ought those in dutie to commend , That questions of Religion seeke to end , Then I to praise our Vintners doe intend . For Question is twixt Writer old and latter , If wine alone , or if wine mixt with water , Should of the blessed Sacrament be matter ? Some ancient Writers wish it should be mingled , But latter men , with much more zeale in kindled , Will haue wine quite and cleane from water singled . Our zealous Vintners here , growne great Diuines , To finde which way antiquitie enclines , For pure zeale mix with water all our wines . Well , plainly to tell truth , and not to flatter , I find our wines are much the worse for water . 23 To Bassifie , his wiues mother , when shee was angry . MAdam , I read to you a little since , The story of a Knight that had incurd The deep displeasure of a mighty Prince : For feare of which , long time he neuer sturd , Till watching once the King that came frō Chappel , His little sonne fast by him , with his Gardon , Entic'd the Infant to him with an apple ; So caught him in his armes , and su'd for pardon : Then you shall turne your angry frown from lafter , As oft as in mine armes you see your daughter . 24 To his wife , of Poppea Sabynas faire heyre . MAll once I did , but doe not now enuy Fierce Neroe's blisse , of faire Poppeas rayes , ●hat in his lap , koming her locks would lye , ●ech hayre of hers , a verse of his did praise , ●ut that prais'd beauty , fruitlesse spent her daies . ●o yong Augustus euer cal'd him Dad. ●o small Poppeas with their prettie playes , ●id melt their hearts , and melting make them glad : ●ut thou in this , do'st passe his faire Sabyna , ●hat hast seuen times beene succor'd by Lucina . ●hy wombe in branches seau'n , it selfe displayes . Then leaue I Nero , with Poppeas heyres : To ioy , and to inioy thee , and thine heyres . 25 Against Lalus an ill Preacher . YOng Lalus tooke a Text of excellent matter , And did the same expound , but m●rre the latter , ●is tongue so vainely did and idly chatter , ●he people nought but hem , & cough and spatter . Then said a Knight not vs'd to lye or flatter : Such Ministers doe bring the Diuels blessing . That marre vs so good meate , with so ill dressing . 26 Against Paulus an Atheist . LEwd Lalus , led by Sadduces infection , Doth not beleeue the bodies resurrection : And holds them all in scorne , and deepe derision , That tell of Saints or Angels apparision ; And sweares , such things are fables all , and fancies Of Lunatiques or Fooles , possest with franzies . I haue ( said he ) trauail'd both neere and farre , By sea , by land , in time of peace and warre . Yet neuer met I sprite , or ghost , or elfe , Or ought ( as is the phrase ) worse then my selfe . Well , Paulus , this , I now beleeue indeede , For who in all , or part , denies his Creede ; Went he to sea , land , hell , I would agree , A Fiend worse then himselfe , shall neuer see . 27 To Galla going to the Bathe . WHen Galla for her health goeth to the Bathe , She carefully doth hide , as is most meete , With aprons of fine linnen , or a sheete , Those parts , that modesty concealed hath : Nor onely those , but eu'n the brest and necke , That might be seene , or showne , without all check● But yet one foule , and vnbeseeming place , She leaues vncouered still : What 's that ? Her fac● 28 To one that had meate ill drest . KIng Mithridate to poysons so inur'd him , As deadly poysons , damage none procur'd him . So you to stale vnsauorie foode and durtie , Are so inur'd , as famine ne're can hurt yee . 29 Of giuing much credit . OF all the Towne old Codros giues most credit : Who he , poore soule ! Alas that ere you sed it . How can he credit much , and is so poore ? Hee 's blinde : yet makes he loue to euery whore . 30 Of honest Theft . To my good friend Master Samuel Daniel . PRoud Paulus late my secrecies reuealing , Hath told I got some good conceits by stealing . But where got he those double Pistolets , With which good clothes , good fare , good land he gets ▪ Tush , those , he saith , came by a man of warre . That brought a Prize of price , from countries farre . Then , fellow Thiefe , let 's shake together hands , ●ith both our wares are filcht from forren lands . You 'le spoile the Spaniards , by your writ of Mart : And I the Romanes rob , by wit , and Art. 31 Against Faustus . IN skorne of writers , Faustus still doth hold , Nought is now said , but hath beene said of old : Well , Faustus , say my wits are grosse and dull , If for that word , I giue not thee a Gull : Thus then I proue that holds a false position , I say , thou art a man of fayre condition , A man true of thy word , tall of thy hands , Of high disent , and left good store of lands , Thou with false dice and cards hast neuer plaid , Corrupted neuer Widdow , Wife , nor Maid , And as for swearing none in all this Reame , Doth seldomer in speech curse or blaspheme . In fine , your vertues are so rare and ample , For all our sonnes thou maist be made a sample . This I dare sweare , none euer said before , This I may sweare , none euer will say more . 32 Of Free will. I Know a foolish fellow hath a fashion , To proue that all is by Predestination , And teach's , nor man , nor spirit hath free will In dooing , no , nor thinking good or ill . I am no Doctor at this disputation , Nor are deepe questions fit for shallow skill : Yet I 'le renounce , with learn'd men reputation , If I disproue not this by demonstration : He proue so plaine , as none can it resist , That in some things , three things do what they list : The wind , saith Scripture , where it list doth blow , His tongue talkes what it lists , his speeches showe , My heart beleeues him as it list , I know . 33 Of a drunken Paracelsian . WHen Pilo other trades of thrift had mist , He then profest to be an Alcumist , That 's all too much , Chimist you might him call , And so I thinke t were true , and leaue out all : He takes vpon him , he can make a mixture , Of which he can extract the true elixar , Tinctur of Pearle and Currall he doth draw , And Quintessence the best that ere you saw , He hath the cure , except Aqua Mirabilis , Only he wants drammes Auri potabilis , He doth of nature so the secret ferrit , That he of euery thing can draw the spirit : Spirits of mynes , spirits of stones and herbes , Whose names can scant be told with nownes and verbes , But of all spirits my spirit doth diuine , His spirit best doth loue the spirit of wine . 34 Of Misacmos his successe in a suite . MIsacmos hath long time a suter beene , To serue in some neere place about the Queene ●n which his friends to work his better speede , Doe tell her Highnesse , as t is true indeede , That hee 's a man well borne and better bred , In humane studyes seene , in stories read , Adding vnto an industry not small , Pleasant conceit and memory withall . And chiefely that he hath beene from his youth , A zealous searcher of Eternall Truth : Now neuer wonder , he his suite doth misse : What I haue told you , that the reason is . 35 A Groome of the Chambers religion in King Henry the eights time . ONe of King Henries Fauorites beganne , To moue the King one day to take a man , Whom of his Chamber he might make a Groome , Soft , sayd the King , before I graunt that roome , It is a question not to be neglected , How he in his Religion stands affected . For his Religion , answered then the Minion , I doe not certaine know what 's his opinion : But sure he may , talking with men of learning , Conforme himselfe in lesse then ten days warning . 36 To Doctor Haruey of Cambridge . THe prouerbe sayes , Who fights with durty foes ▪ Must needs be foyld , admit they winne or lose . Then think it doth a Doctors credit dash , To make himselfe Antagonist to Nash ? 37 An infallible rule to rule a wife . To his wiues mother . COncerning th' wiues hold this a certaine rule , That if at first , you let them haue the rule , Your selfe at last , with them shall haue no rule , Except you let them euer-more to rule . Probatū est . 38 Why Paulus takes so much Tobacco . WHen our good Irish neighbours make repaire , With Lenton st●ffe vnto Bridgewaters Faire , At euery Boothe , and Alehouse that they come , They call for Herring straight , they must haue some . Hostis , I pre●dee hast ●ee any Herring ? Yea , sir : O passing mea● ! a happy Her●ing . Herring they aske , they praise , they eate , they buy ; No price of Herring can be held too hie . But , when among them i● is closely mu●ter'd , Those Herring● that they bought , to sell are ●tter'd . Then giue them Herring , Poh , away with these : Pree d ee good Hostis , giue 's some English Cheese . Hence I haue learn'd the cause , and see it clearely , Why Paulus takes Tobacco , buyes it ●earely , At Tippling-houses , where he eates and drinks , That euery roome straight of Tobacco stinks , He swears t is salue for all diseases bred , It strengthens ones weake back , comforts the head , Dulls much flesh-appetite , t is cordiall durable , It cures that ill , which some haue thought incurable ▪ Thus while proud Paulus hath Tobacco praised , The price of eu'ry pound , a pound is raised . And why 's all this ? because he loues it well ? No : but because himselfe hath store to sell. But hauing sold all his ; he will pronounce The best in Cane not worth a groat an ounce . 39 Of a formall Minister . A Minister , affecting singularitie , And preaching in the Pulpit of his theame , Borne with the current of the common streame , Extolling faith and hope , forgetting charitie . For while he was most busie in his Text , He spyde a woman talking with her next , And straight ●e crid to her , Dame , leaue thy babbling Wherewith the good poore woman shrewdly vext , Could hold no longer , but fell flat to squabbling : Beshrew thy naked heart , she doth reply . Who babbled in this place more ? thou , or I ? 40 Of a lawfull wife . AT end of three yeeres law , and sute , and strife , whē Canon lawes , & cōmon both cōmand he● Cys married thee ; now sue them for a slaunder , That dare deny she is thy lawfull wife . 41 Against Feasting . LAst day , I was vnto your house inuited , And on the ●ord were forty diuers dishes , Of Sallets , and of flesh & fowles and fishes , With which ( God knowes ) I little am delighted . Became , I came , I tooke that you did bid me , But now , I rather thinke , you did forbid me . 42 Against Lynus , that said the Nobility were decayed . YOu Lynus , say , that most of our Nobilitie Are much decayd in valour and in wit : Though some of them haue wealth , and good ability , Yet very few for gouernment are fit . ●oole , seest thou not , that in our stately buildings , ●laine massy stones the substance doth sustaine , ●et colloms wreath'd & staid , set out with guildings , Must in high ranke for ornament remaine : So men of noble birth , the State adorne , But by the wise , stout , learnd , the sway is borne . 43 To Itis , alias Ioyner , an vncleanly token , conuayd in cleanly tearmes . TOrquato Tasso , for one little fault , That did perhaps deserue some small rebuke , Was by his sharp and most vngratefull Duke , Shut vp close prisoner in a loathsome vault ; Where wanting Pen and Inke by Princes order , His wit , that wals of Adamant could pierce , Found meanes to write his mind in excellent verse : For want of Pen and Inke , with pisse and ordure . But thy dull wit damn'd by Apollos crew , To dungeon of disgrace , though free thy body , With pen , nay Print , doth publish like a noddy . Base taunts , that turn'd vpon thy selfe , are true , And wanting salt thy wallowish stile to season , And being of vncouth tearmes a senslesse coyner , Thou call'st thy selfe vnproperly , a Ioyner , Whose verse hath quite disseuer'd rime and reason : Deseruing for such rayling , and such bodging , For this , Torquatos Inke , for that , his Lodging . 44 To his wife . WHen I to thee my Letters superscribe Thus , To mine own ; Leda therat doth iybe . And aske her why ? she saith , because I flatter . But let her thinke so still , it makes no matter : If I doe flatter , onely thou canst try , Suffiseth me , thou think'st I doe not lye . For , let her husband write so , for my life , He flattereth himselfe more then his wife . 45 Sir Iohn Raynsfords confession . RAynsford , a Knight , fit to haue seru'd king Arthu● , And in Queene Maries dayes a demy Martyr : For though both then , before , and since he turn'd , ( Yet sure , per ig●●●● hanc , he might be burn'd . ) This Knight agreed with those of that profession , And went , as others did , to make confession : Among some P●ccadilios , he confest , That same sweet sinne , that some but deeme a Iest , And told , how by good help of bawdes and varlets , Within 10. months he had sixe times twelue harlots ▪ The Priest , that at the tale was halfe astonished , With graue & ghostly counsell him admonished To fast , and pray , to driue away that diuell , That was to him causer of so great euill , That the lewd spirit of Lecherie , no question , Stird vp his lust , with many a lewd suggestion : A filthy Fiend , said he , most foule and odious , Nam'd , as appeares , in holy writs , Asmodius . Thus , with some Pennanto that was ne're performed , Away went that same Knight , smally reformed . Soone after this , ensued religions change , That in the Church bred alteration strange , And Raynsford , with the rest , follow'd the streame . The Priest went rouing round about the Realme . This Priest , in clothes disguis'd himselfe did hide , ●et Raynsford , three yeers after him had spyde , And layd vnto his charge , and sorely prest him , To tell if'twere not he that had confest him . The Priest , though this Knights words did sore him daunt , Yet what he could not wel deny , did grant , And prayd him not to punish , or controul● That he had done for safety of his soule . No , knaue , quoth he , I will no harme procure thee , Vpon my Worship here I doe assure thee : I onely needs must laugh at thy great folly , That would'st perswade with me to be so holy ; To chastise mine owne flesh , to fast , and pray , To driue the spirit of Lechery away . ' Sownds , foolish knaue , I fasted not , nor prayd , Yet is that spirit quite gone from me , he said : If thou couldst helpe me to that spirit againe , Thou shouldst a hundred pound haue for thy paine . That lustie Lord of Lecherie Asmodius , That thou cal'st odious , I doe count commodious ▪ 46 A pretty question of Lazarus soule well answered . ONce on occasion two good friends of mine Did meete at meate , a Lawyer and Diuine : Both hauing eaten well to helpe digestion , To this Diuine , the Lawyer put this question : When Lazarus in graue foure dayes did stay , Where was his soule ? in heauen , or hell I pray ? Was it in hell ? Thence no redemption is . And if in heauen : would Christ abate his blisse ? Sir , said the Preacher , for a short digression , First , answere me one point , in your profession : If so his heyres and he had falne to strife , Whose was the land , if he came backe from life ? This latter question mou'd them all to lafter , And so they drunke one to another after . 47 Against long suits in Law. IN Court of Wards , Kings Bench , & Common place Thou follow'd hast one sute , this seu'n yeeres space . Ah wretched man , in mothers wombe accurst , Thou could'st not rather lose thy sute at furst . 48 Of an importunate prater , out of Martiall . HE that is hoarse , yet still to prate doth please , Proues he can neither speake , nor hold his peace . 49 Against Ielousie . To my friend . RIght terrible are windes on waters great , Most horrible are tempests on the sea , Fire mercilesse , that all consumes with heat , Plagues monstrous are , that Citties cleane decay : Warre cruell is , and pinching famine curst : Yet of all ills , the ielouse wife is worst . 50 Against Quintus , that being poore and prodigall , became rich and miserable . SCant was thy Liuing , Quintus , ten pound cleare , When thou didst keepe such fare , so good a table , That we thy friends praid God thou might'st be able , To spend , at least , an hundred pounds a yeare . Behold , our boone God did benignly heare . Thou go●st so much by Fortune fauourable , And foure friends deaths to thee both kind and deare : But suddenly thou grew'st so miserable , We thy old friends to thee vnwelcome are , Poore-●ohn , and Apple-pyes are all our fare . No Salmon , S●urgeon , Oysters , Crab , nor Cunger . What should we wish thee now for such demerit ? I would thou might'st one thousand pounds inherit , Thē , without question , thou wold'st starue for hunger . 51 To my Lady Rogers . GOod Madam , with kind speech & promise faire , That from my wife you would not giue a rag , But she should be Exector sole , and heyre . I was ( the more foole I ) so proud and brag , I sent to you against S. Iames his Faire , A Teerce of Claret-wine , a great fat Stagge . You straight to all your neighbors made a feast , Each man I met hath filled vp his panch , With my Red-deere , onely I was no ghest , Nor euer since did ●aste of side or ●aunch . Well , Madam , you may bid me hope the best , That of your promise you be sound and staunch , Else , I might doubt I should your Land inherit , That of my Stagge did not one morsell merit . 52 Of Sextus mis-hap comming from a Tauerne . NOw Sextus twice hath supt at Sarazens head , And both times , homewards , comming drunk to bed : ●e by the way his Pantoffles hath lost , ●nd grieu'd both with the mocke , and with the cost , To saue such charges , and to shun such frumps , He goes now to the Tauerne in his Pumps . 53 How Sextus laid claime to an Epigram . WHen Sextus heard my Rime of Rainsford reeding , With laughter lowd he cries , and voice exceeding , ●hat Epigram was mine , who euer made it . ● told him that conceit , from me , he had it . ●h barbarisme , the blinder still the bolder ! Will Sextus ne're grow wise ? growing older , When Phidias framed had in marble pure , ●oues goodly Statue , would a man endure ● Pyoner to challenge halfe the praise , That from the quar● the ragged stone did raise : Or should a Carman boast of his desart , Because he did vnload it from his Cart : ● thinke that Sextus selfe would neuer say 't , ●o in like manner , Sextus , that conceit Was like a rugged stone , dig'd from thy foolish head , Now 't is a Statue caru'd by vs , and polished . 54 Of an Aborne Rabbet . LAte comming from the Palace of the best , ( The centre of the men of better sence ) My purse growne low , by ebbe of long expence : And going for supplyes into the West , My hoast to whom I was a welcome ghest , Makes me great cheere , but when I parted thence , My trustie seruant William tooke offence : ( Though now God wot , it was too late to spare ) That in the shot things too high prized are . And namely for two Rabbets twenty pence . The Tapster well enur'd to prate and face , Told they were white , and yong , and fat , and sweet : New kill'd , and newly come from Alborne chase : For that good fare , good paiment is most meete . I willing to make short their long debate , Bade my man pay the reck'ning at his rate : Adding , I know , a miser of his money , Giues more then ten pence for an Alborne Coney . 55 Of hearing Masse . MEn talking , as oft times it comes to passe , How dangerous 't is now to heare a Masse ; A valiant Knight swore for a thousand pound , He would not present at a Masse be found . A Noble Lord stood by , and hearing it ▪ Said , Sir , I then should much condemne your wit. For were you found , and follow'd ne're so nearely , You gaine nine hundred pound & vpward clearely . 56 Of a Preacher that sings Placebo . A Smooth-tong'd Preacher that did much affect To be reputed of the purest sect . Vnto these times great praises did afford , That brought , he said , the sunne-shine of the Word . The sunne-shine of the Word , this he extold , The sunne-shine of the Word , this still he told . But I that well obseru'd what slender fruits Haue growne of all their preaching and disputes , Pray God they bring vs not , when all is done , Out of Gods blessing , into this warme sunne . For sure , as some of them haue vs'd the matter , Their sunne-shine is but moone-shine in the water . 57 Of the naked Image that was to stand in my Lo : Chamberlaines Gallery . ACtaeon , guiltlesse vnawares espying Naked Diana , bathing in her bowre , Was plagu'd with horns , his dogs did him deuoure . Wherefore take heede , ye that are curious prying , With some such forked plague you be not smitten , And in your foreheads your faults be written . 58 Of the same to the Ladies . HEr face vnmask't , I saw , her corps vnclad , No vaile , no couer , her and me betweene : No ornament was hid , that beauty had , I blusht that saw , she blusht not th●t was seene . With that I vow'd neuer to care a rush , For such a beauty , as doth neuer blush . 59 Of Don Pedroe's threats . DOn Pedro thinkes I scorne him in my Rime , And vowes , if he can proue I vse detraction , Of the great scandall he will haue his action : I that desir'd to cleere me of the crime , When I was askt , said , No , my Lord , I haue not . Then sweare , said he , Not so , my Lord , I cannot . Since that I neuer heard newes of this action : Wherefore , I thinke , he hath his satisfaction . 60 Against brauery . WHen Romane Mutius had in countrey quarrell , The seruant killed , to the Masters terror : What time his eye deceiu'd with rich apparell , Did cause his hand commit that happy error : The King amaz'd at so rare resolution , Both for his safety , and his reputation : Remou'd the fire , and stay'd that execution : And for his sake , made peace with all his Nation . Perhaps it is from hence the custome springs , That oft in Court Kn●ues goe as well as Kings . 61 Of Leda's vnkindnesse . FAire Leda late to me is growne malicious , At all my workes in prose or ●erse repining : ●ecause my words , she saith ▪ makes men suspitious , ●hat she is to the Purit●nes inclining . Leda , what ere I said , I did suspect , Thou wert not pure enough , in one respect . 62 Of an Abbot that had beene a good f●llow . AN Abbot that had led a wanton life , And cited now , by deaths sharpe Sumner , sicknesse , ●elt in his soule , great agony and strife , His sinnes appearing in most hideous likenesse . The Monkes that saw their Abbot so dismaid , ●nd knew no lesse his life had beene lasciuious : ●et for his finall comfort , thu● they said , ●hinke not , deare Sir , we will be so obliuious , ●ut that with fasting , and with sacred ringing , ●nd prayer , we will for yo● such grace attaine , ●hat after requie●● and some Di●ges singing , ●ou shall be freed from Purgatories paine . Ah , thankes my sonnes , said he , but all my feare Is onely this , that I shall ne'r● come there . 63 Against Cinna a Brownist , that saith he is sure to be saued . IF thou remaine so sure of thine election , As thou said'st , Cinna , when we last disputed , That to thy soule , no sinne can be imputed : That thy strong Faith , hath got so sure protection : That all thy faults are free from all correction . Heare then my counsell , to thy state well suted , It comes from one , that beares thee kinde affection ▪ 'T is so infallible , that no obiection There is , by which it may be well confuted . Leaue , Cinna , this base earth with sinne polluted . And to be free from wicked mens subiection , And that the Saints may be by thee saluted , Forsake wife , friends , lands , goods & worldly pelfe ▪ And get a halter quickly , and goe hang thy selfe . 64 To Master Bastard , a Minister that made a pleasant Booke of English Epigrams . THough dusty wits of this vngratefull time , Carpe at thy booke of Epigrams , and scoffe it : Yet wise men know , to mix the sweet with profit . Is worthy praise , not onely void of crime . Then let not enuy stop thy veine of Rime : Nor let thy function make thee shamed of it : A Poet is one step vnto a Prophet : And such a step , as 't is no shame to clime . You must in Pulpit treat of matters serious : As best beseeme● the person , and the place , There preach of Faith , Repentance , hope and grace , Of Sacraments , and such high things mysterious . But they are too seuere , and too imperious , That vnto honest sports will grant no space : For these our minds refresh , when those weary vs , And spurre out doubled spirit to swifter pace . The wholesom'st meates that are , will breed sacietie , Except we should admit of some varietie . ●n musike notes must be some high , some base . And this I note , your Verses haue intendment , Still kept within the lists of good sobrietie , To worke in mens ill manners , good amendment . Wherefore if any thinke such verse vnseasonable : Their Stoicke mindes are foes to good societie , And men of reason may thinke them vnreasonable . ●t is an act of vertue and of pietie , To warne v● of our sinnes in any sort , In prose , in verse , in earnest , or in sport . 65 Of a kinde vnkinde Husband . A Rich old Lord did wed a rich yong Lady . Of good complexion , and of goodly stature , And for he was of kinde and noble nature , He lou'd to see her goe as braue as may be . A pleasant Knight one day was so presumptuous , To tell this Lord in way of plaine simplicitie , 'T is you , my Lord , that haue this worlds felicitie : To haue a Dame so yong , so sweet , so sumptuous . Tush , said the Lord , but these same costly Gownes , With Kirtle● ▪ C●rknets , plague me in such sort , That euery time I ●aste of Venus spor● , I will be sworne , cost me one hundred Crownes . Now , fie Sir , said his wife , where is your sence ; Though 't is too true , yet say not so for shame , For I would wish to cleere me of the blame : That each time cost you but a hundred pence . 66 Of Galla's goodly Petiwigge . YOu see the goodly hayre that Galla weares , 'T is certain her own hair , who would haue 〈◊〉 She sweares it is her owne : and true she sweares : For hard by Temple-barre last day she bought it . So faire a haire , vpon so foule a forehead , Augments disgrace , and showes the grace is borrowed 67 Of Master Iohn Dauies Booke of Dancing . To himselfe . WHile you the Planets all doe set to dancing , Beware such hap , as to the Fryer was chancing ▪ Who preaching in a Pulpit old and rotten , Among some notes , most fit to be forgotten ; Vnto his Auditory thus he vaunts , To make all Saints after his pype to daunce : It speaking , which as he himselfe aduances , To act his speech with Iestures , lo , it chances , Downe fals the Pulpit , sore the man is brused , Neuer was Fryer , and Pulpit more abused . Then beare with me , though yet to you a stranger , To warne you of the like , nay greater danger . For though none feare the falling of those sparkes , ●And when they fall , 't will be good catching Larkes ) Yet this may fall , that while you dance and skip With Female Planets , sore your foote may trip , That in your lofty Caprioll and turne , Their motion may make your dimension burne . 68 To Paulus . TO loue you , Paulus , I was well enclin'd : But euer since you honour did require , I honor'd you , because 't was your desire : But now to loue you , I doe neuer minde . 69 Of Table-talke . I Had this day carroust the thirteene cup , And was both slipper-tong'd , and idle-brain'd , ●nd said by chance , that you with me should sup . You thought hereby , a supper cleerely gain'd : ●nd in your Tables you did quote it vp . ●n ciuill ghest , that hath beene so ill train'd ! Worthy thou art hence supperlesse to walke , That tak'st aduantage of our Table-talke . 70 Of the commodities that men haue by their Marriage . A Fine yong Clerke , of kinne to Fryer Frappert , Prompt of his tongue , of person neat and dappert ▪ Not deepely read , yet were he put vnto it , One that could say his seruice , and would doe it . His markes & haire , show'd him of excellent carriage This man one day hap'ned to talke of marriage , And prou'd not onely , that 't is honorable , But that the ioyes thereof are admirable . He told the tale to me , and other friends , And straight I learn'd it at my fingers ends . Which ioyes that you may better vnderstand , I 'le place on each finger of my hand . Foure ioyes , he said , on married Priests he casts , A wife , and friends , and coyne , and children last . And first the wife , see how at bed , at boord , What comfort , and what ioyes , she doth affoord . Then for her friends , what ioy can be more deare , Then louing friends , dwell they farre off or neare . A third ioy then it is , to haue the portion , Well got , and void of strife , fraud or extortion . And fourthly , those sweet Babes , that call on Dad , Oh , how they ioy the soule , and make it glad ! But now , Sir , there remaines one obseruation , That well deserues your due consideration . Marke then againe , I say , for so 't were meete , Which of these ioyes are firme , and which doe fleet First , for the wife , sure no man can deny it , That for most part , she stickes most surely by it . But for thy friends , when they should most auaile you , By death , or fortunes change , oft times they faile you . Then for the portion , without more forecast , Whiles charge encreaseth , money failes as fast . And last the children , most of them out-liue you , But ill brought vp , they often liue to grieue you . Now marke vpon the fingers , who remaine , The Children and the Wife , onely these twaine . 71 To Marcus that would borrow . YOu sent to me , Marcus , for twenty marke : But to that sute , I would by no meanes harke : But straight next day , you sent your man in post , To tell me how a Lord with you would host . And I must lend , to entertaine this State , Some Basons , Ewres , and some such other plate . Are you a Foole ? Or thinke you me a foole , That I should now be set againe to schoole ? Were not my wisedome , worthy to be wondred , Denying twenty markes , to lend one hundred ? 72 To his wife after they had beene married foure yeere . TWo Prētiships with thee I now haue been , Mad times , sad times , glad times , our life hath seen , Souls we haue wroght 4. payre since our first meeting Of which , 2. soules , sweet soules , were to be fleeting , My workemanship so well doth please thee still , Thou wouldst not graunt me freedome by thy will : And I le confesse such vsage I haue found , Mine heart yet ne're desir'd to be vnbound . But though my selfe am thus thy Prentice vow'd , My dearest Mall , yet thereof be not proud , Nor claime no Rule thereby ; ther 's no such cause : For Plowden , who was father of the Lawes Which yet are read and rul'd by his Enditings , Doth name himselfe a Prentice in his writings , And I , if you should challenge vndue place , Could learne of him to alter so the case : I plaine would proue , I still kept due priority , And that good wiues are still in their minority : But far from thee , my deare , be such Audacitie : I doubt more thou dost blame my dul Capacitie , That though I trauaile true in my vocation , I growe yet worse and worse at th' occupation . 73 Of a Bequest without a Legacy . IN hope some Lease or Legacy to gaine , You gaue old Titus yeerely ten pound pension . Now he is dead , I heare thou dost complaine , That in his will of thee he made no mention . Cease this complaint that shewes thy base intention . He left thee more , then some he lou'd more deerely , For he hath left thee ten pound pension yeerely . 74 Of one that lent money on sure band . WHen Lynus little store of coyne is spent , And no supply of office or of Rent , He comes to Titus knowne a wary spender , A pleasant wit , but no great money-lender , And prest him very hard for twenty pound , For which small kindnesse he were greatly bound , And lest ( quoth he ) you deeme it might presumption , If I should offer you my bare assumption , I sweare All-hallows , I wil make repayment , Yea though I pawne mine Armour and my Rayment , And for your more assurance , you shall haue What Obligation you your selfe will craue , Or Bill or Bond your payment to performe , Recognizance , Statute or any forme . Now Titus by report so well did know him , That he might scant trust him so far as throw him , And said he should haue so much at his hands , Forthwith if he might poynt the forme and bands . Agree'd , quoth Lynus straight , and doth him thanke . But Titus brings a Foorme of foure Inch-Plancke , Two of the Gard might scantly well it lift , And ere that Lynus well perceiu'd the drift , ●ast to that Foorme he bindes him hands and feete : Then brought the mony forth and let him see 't , And sware till , he his fashions did reforme , None other bands could serue nor other forme . 75 Of light Merchandize . IN Rome a Cryer had a Wench to sell , Such as in common Stewes are wont to dwell , Her name , nor his , I shall not neede to tell . But hauing held her long at little price , And thinking that some chapman to entice , He clipt her in his armes as nothing nice , And so he kist her more then once or twice . What might he gaine , thinke you , by this deuice ? One that before had offered fifty shilling , To giue one fift part , seemed now vnwilling . 76 Of father Peleus stable . OLd Peleus burn'd a Stable to the ground , Which now to build doth cost three hundred poūd That 's but one Gennets price with him , no force , A Stable ? No : He did but lose a horse . 77 Of a censurer of English writers . THat Englishmen haue small , or no inuention , Old Guillam saith , and all our workes are barren But for the stuffe , we get from Authors forren . Why , Guillam , that same gold thou tak'st in pension , Which mak's thee loue our Realm more thē your ow● And follow still our English Court , and campe . Now that it hath our dearest Soueraignes stampe , Is English coine , though once 't were Indian growne● Except not then 'gainst English wits , I pray , You that accept so well of English pay . 78 Of Titus boasting . A Kinde companion Titus all his daies , And till his last , a pleasant wit and tongue ; ●f he had heard a man his owne strength praise , Would tell what he would doe when he was yong . And hauing , with oathes , his speeches bound : Thus would he speak : I would at twelue score pricks , Haue shot all day an arrow of a pound , Haue shot the flight full fortie score and sixe , ● would haue ouer-lifted all the Gard , Out-throwne them at the barre , the sledge , the stone , And he that is in wrestling held most hard , ● would in open plaine haue ouerthrowne . Now , say some by , Was Titus e're so strong ? Who he ? the weakest man a hundred among . Why tels he then such lyes in serious sort , What he could do ? Nay , sure 't was true , though sport . He said not he could doe . That were a fable . He said , He would haue done , had he beene able . 79 To Doctor Sherhood , how Sack makes one leane . ● Marueld much last day , what you did meane , To say that drinking Sack , will make one leane : But now I see , and then mistooke you cleane : For my good neighbour Marcus , who I tro , Feares fatnesse much , this drinke hath plyde him so , That now except he leane , he cannot goe . Ha , gentle Doctor , now I see your meaning , Sacke will not leaue one leane , 't will leaue him leaning . 80 Of swearing first betweene the wife and the Husband . CIs , by that Candle , in my sleepe , I thought , One told me of thy body thou wert nought : Good husband , he that told you , lyde , she sed , And swearing laid her hand vpon the bread . Then eate the bread ( quoth he ) that I may deeme That fancie false , that true to me did seeme . Nay Sir , said she , the matter well to handle , Sith you swore first , you first must eate the Candle . 81 To his Wife . BEcause I once in verse did hap to call Thee by this louing name , my dearest Mall , Thou think'st thy selfe assured by the same , In future ages , I haue giu'n thee fame . But if thou merit not such name in veritie . I meane not so to mis-informe posteritie . For I can thus interpret if I will , My dearest Mall , that is , my costliest ill . 82 To a prattling Epicure . ●F thou loue dainty fare at others tables , Thou must their humor and their houres endure : Leaue arg'ments , contouling thwarts and brables . Such freedome sutes not with an Epicure . 83 Of Don Pedro. THe wise Vlisses loathing forraine Iarres , Fain'd himselfe mad , to keep him from the wars : But our Don Pedro seekes our Martiall schooles , Prefers before wise cowards Martiall fooles . And fearing faining mad will not suffice , To stay him from the warres , faines himselfe wise . 84 To Master Bastard , taxing him of Flattery . IT was a saying vs'd a great while since , The subiects euer imitate the Prince , A vertuous Master , makes a good Disciple , Religious Prelates breede a godly people . And euermore the Rulers inclination , Workes in the time the workes and alteration . Then what 's the reason , Bastard , why thy Rimes Magnifie Magistrates , yet taunt the times ? I thinke that he to taunt the time that spares not , Would touch the Magistrate , saue that he dares not . 85 Ouids confession translated into English for Generall Norreys . 1593. TO liue in Lust I make not my profession , Nor in my Verse , my vices to defend : But rather by a true and plaine confession , To make men know my meaning is to mend . I hate , and am my selfe that most I hate , I load my selfe , yet striue to be discharged , Like sterelesse ship vnstai'd , runnes my estate , Bound by my selfe , I sue to be enlarged . No certaine shape , my fancies doth enflame : A hundred causes kindle my affection , If sober looke doe show a modest shame , Straight to those eyes my soule is in subiection . A wanton looke , no lesse my heart doth pierce , Because it showes a pleasant inclination . If she be coy like Sabines sharpe and fierce , I thinke such coynesse , deepe dissimulation . If she be learn'd , I honour gifts so rare , If ignorant , I loue a milde simplicitie . If she doe praise my writings , and compare Them with the best , in her I take felicitie . If she dispraise my Verses , and their Maker , To win her liking , I my loue would lend her . Goes she well grac't ? Her gate would make me take her ▪ If ill , perhaps to touch a man , would mend her . Is shee well tun'd in voice , a cunning singer ? To snatch a kisse , eu'n thus I feele a will. ●layes she on Lute with sweete and learned finger ? What heart can hate a hand so full of skill ? But if she know with heart her armes to moue , And dance Carantoes with a comely grace , T'omit my selfe that quickly fall in loue , Hippolitus would haue Priapus place , Like th' ancient Heroyes I count thee tall , Me thinkes they fill a braue roome in the bed : Yet comlier sports are found in statures small , Thus long and short haue aye my liking bred . If she goe plaine , then what a piece were this ? Were she attyr'd , if braue , I loue her brauery , Fayre , nut-browne , sallow , none doth looke amisse , My wanton lust is thrald in so great slauery . If hayre like Iet , her neck like Iuory couer , Ledas was blacke , and that was Ledas glory . With yellow lockes , Aurora pleas'd her louer . Loe thus my fancie sutes to euery story : The Matron graue , the greene yong girle and pritty , ● like for age , for manners vnsuspicious , In fine , ●o all in Country , Court and City , My loue doth presse to proue it selfe ambitious . 86. A witty speech of Heywood to the Queene . WHen old Queen Mary with much pain & languish , Did on deaths bed in lingring sicknesse languish : Old pleasant Heywood came her Grace to vis●●e : For mirth ●o such doth oft more good then Phisicke , Whom , when the sickly Princesse had espyde , Ah , Heywood ! here they kill me vp , she cryde : For , being smotherd quite with too much heate , Yet my Physicians proue to make me sweat ; But it doth proue so painefull to procure it , That first I le die before I will endure it . Heywood , with cheerefull face , but cheerelesse soule , Thus her bad resolution did controule . Sweet Lady , you must sweat , or else , I sweare it , We shall all sweat for it , if you forbeare it . 87 To my wife , from Chester . WHen I from thee , my deere , last day departed , Summond by Honor to this Irish action , Thy tender eyes shed teares : but I , hard-harted , Tooke from those teares a ioy , and satisfaction . Such for her Spouse ( thought I ) was Lucrece sadnes , Whom to his ruine Tyrant Tarquin tempted . So mourned she , whose husband feined madnes , Thereby from Troian warres to stand exempted . Thus then I doe reioyce in that thou greeuest , And yet , sweet foole , I loue thee , thou beleeuest . 88 Against lying Lynus . I Wonder Lynus , what thy tongue doth ayle , That though I flatter thee , thou still doost raile ? ●hou think'st , I ly , perhaps thou think'st most true : ●et to so gentle lyes , pardon is due . ● lie , wel told to some , tastes ill restoritie ; ●esides , we Poets lie by good authoritie . But were all lying Poetry , I know it , Lynus would quickly proue a passing Poet. 89 Of lending our Pri●y-seales . A Friend of mine , to me made mickle mone About some moneyes lending in the lone ; ●lleaging , that to lend , were little griefe , 〈◊〉 of repayment men haue firme beleefe . ●ut other mens examples make vs dread , ●o speed as some in other times haue sped . ●or if one faile , who then will care for vs ? ●ow I , to comfort them , replyed thus , While God preserues the Prince , ne're be dismayd , But , if she faile , be sure we shall be payd . 90 In defence of Lent. OVr belly-gods dispraise the Lenton fast , And blame the lingring daies , and tedious time , ●nd sweare this abstinence too long doth last . ●hose folly I refute in this my rime , ●ethusalem , nine hundred yeares was fed ●ith nought but herbes , and berries of the field ; Iohn Baptist thirty yeeres his life had led With Locusts and wild Honey woods did yeeld . He that the Israelites from Egypt brought , Where they in slauish thraldome long did dwell , He home to heau'n the firie Chariot rought ; Yea , Christ himselfe , that saues vs all from Hell : These three , as holy Scripture doth repeate , In forty daies did neither drinke , nor eate . Why then should we against this Law repine , That are permitted euery kind of Fish ? Are not forbid the tastes of costly Wine , Are not debard of many a daintie dish : Both Sugar , Ginger , Pepper , Cloues , and Mace , And Sinnamon , and Spice of euery kind , And Reysons , Figs , and Almonds in like case , To please the taste , and satisfie the mind : And yet forsooth , we thinke we should be mard , If we from flesh but forty dayes be bard . 91 Mal●m bene positum ne moueas . A Iudge , to one well studied in the Lawes , That was too earnest in his Clyents cause , Said , Stir't no more ; for as the cause doth sinke Into my sense , it seemeth like a stinke . 92 To King Dauid . THou Princes Prophet , and of Prophets King , Growne from poore Pastoralls , and Shepheards fold , To change the sheephooke to a Mace of gold , Subduing sword and speare , with staffe and sling : Thou that didst quell the Beare and dreadful Lyon , With courage vnappald , and actiue lymmes ; Thou that didst praise in it , induring Himms With Poetry diuine the God of Syon ; Thou sonne in Law to King & Prince appointed : Yet , when that king by wrong did seek thy harme , Didst helpe him with thy Harp , and sacred charme : And taught , no not to touch the Lords Anointed . Thou , thou great Prince , with so rare gifts replenished Could'st not eschew blind Buzzard Cupids hookes , ● apt in the bayt of Bersabees sweet lookes : With which one fault , thy faultles life was blemished . Yet hence we learne a document most ample , Our flesh then strongest is , when weak'st our faith . And that the sinne forgiuen , the penance staieth ; Of Grace and Iustice both a sweet example . ●et no man then himselfe in sinne imbolden By thee , but thy sharpe penance , bitter teares , May strike into our harts such godly feares , As we may be thereby from sin with-holden . Sith we , for ours , no iust excuse can bring , Thou hadst one great excuse , thou wert a King. 93 Of Monsters . To my Lady Rogers . STrange-headed Monsters , Painters haue described ▪ To which the Poets strange parts haue ascribed , As Ianus first two faces had assign'd him , Of which , one look't before , tother behind him : So men , may it be found in many places , That vnderneath one hood can beare two faces . Three-headed Cerberus , Porter of Hell , Is faind with Pluto , God of wealth to dwell . So still with greatest States , and men of might , Dogs dwell , that doe both fawne , and bark , & bite . Like Hydras heads , that multiply with wounds , Is multitude , that mutinie confounds : On what seu'n-headed beast the Strumpet sits , That weares the scarfe , sore troubleth many wits , Whether seu'n sinnes be meant , or else seu'n hils , It is a question fit for higher skils . But then of these , if you can rightly conster , A headlesse woman is a greater Monster . 94 Of a pleasant Broker . A Broker that was hyr'd to sell a Farme , Whose seat was very sound , fruitful and warm● Thinking to grace the sales man with the tale , Said thus : Friends , Marius sets this land to sale ; But thinke not this for debt or need to sell : For as for money he is stor'd so well , He hath at all times ready in his chest , And some beside , he hath at interest . Then were the chapmen earnestly in hand , To question of the Title of the land : Why should one sell , say they , that lets to vse ? The Broker driuen to seeke some new excuse , Did study first , and smyling , thus replide , His Worships beasts , and sheepe , and Hindes there dyde ; Since which , he neuer could the place abide . Now though in this the foolish Broker lyde , Yet the report thereof did so much harme , That now , poore Marius cannot sell his Farme . 95 To the L. Ro. TO praise my wife , your daughter ( so I gather ) Your men say , she resembleth most her father . And I no lesse , to praise your sonne , her brother , Affirme that he is too much like his mother . I know not if we iudge a ●ight , or erre : But let him be like you , so I like her . 96 To his wife , in excuse he had call'd her foole in his writing . A Man in show that scornes , in deede enuies Thy feruent loue , and seeks the same to coole . Findes fault , that in a Verse I call'd thee Foole : And that it could be kindly tane , denies . But thou didst kindly take it , then he lyes . Well , therefore I wish him a wife most wise , Noble descended from great De la Poole : Learn'd to set her husband still to schoole , So faire to draw to her all amorous eyes . Let flattering tongues protest she doth deserue , That great Commanders her should sue to serue : Then let him walke and with Acteons lucke , Amid the Herd , say , Welcome , fellow Bucke . Meane while , my Mall , thinke thou 't is honorable To be my Foole , and I to be thy Bable . 97 Of the growth of Trees to Sir H. Port. AT your rich Orchard , you to me did show , How swift the Trees were planted there , did grow Namely , an Elme , that in no long abode , Did of a twigge , grow vp to be a loade . But you would quite condemne your trees of slout● Compar'd to our trees admirable grouth . Our planters haue found out such secret skils , With pipe and barrell-staues , and iron Mils ; That Okes , for which none ten yeeres since were wi●ling To giue ten groats , are growne worth thirty shilling At which I waxt so wood , I said in rage , That thirst of Gold , makes this an Iron age . 98 Against promoting Lynus . THou , Linus , that louest still to be promoting , Because I sport , about King Henries marriage : Think'st this will proue a matter worth the carriage . But let it alone , Lynus , it is no booting , While Princes liue , who speakes , or writes & teaches ●gainst their faults , may pay for speech , and writing : ●ut being dead , dead men , they say , leaue biting : Their eyes are seal'd , their armes haue little reaches . Children they are , and fooles that are afeard , To pull , and play , with a dead Lyons beard . 99 The Story of Marcus life at Primero . FOnd Marcus euer at Primero playes , Long winter nights , and as long Summer dayes : ●nd I heard once , to idle talke attending , ●he Story of his times , and coines mis-spending . ●s first , he thought himselfe halfe way to heauen , 〈◊〉 in his hand he had but got a seu'n . ●is Fathers death set him so high on slote , ●ll rests went vp vpon a seu'n , and coate . ●ut while he drawes for these gray coats & gownes , ●he gamesters from his purse drew all his crownes . ●nd he ne're ceast to venter all in prime , ●ll of his age , quite was consum'd the prime . ●hen he more warily , his rest regards , And sets with certainties vpon the Cards , On sixe and thirtie , or on seu'n and nine , If any set his rest , and saith , and mine : But seeld with this , he either gaines or saues , For either Faustus prime is with three knaues , Or Marcus neuer can encounter right , Yet drew two Ases , and for further spight , Had colour for it with a hopefull draught , But not encountred , it auail'd him naught . Well , sith encountring , he so faire doth misse , He sets not till he nine and fortie is . And thinking now his rest would sure be doubled , He lost it by the hand , with which sore troubled , He ioynes now all his stocke , vnto his stake , That of his fortune , he full proofe may make . At last both eldest hand and fiue and fifty , He thinketh now or neuer ( thriue vnthrifty . ) Now for the greatest rest he hath the push : But Crassus stopt a Club , and so was flush : And thus what with the stop , and with the packe , Poore Marcus , and his rest goes still to wracke . Now must he seeke new spoile to set his rest , For here his seeds turne weeds , his rest , vnrest . His land , his plate he pawnes , he sels his leases , To patch , to borrow ▪ and shift , he neuer ceases . Till at the last , two Catch-poles him encounter , And by arrest , they beate him to the Counter . Now Marcus may set vp , all rests securely : For now he 's sure to be encountred surely . 100 Lesbias rule of praise . LEsbia , whom some thought a louely creature , Doth sometimes praise some other womans feature : Yet this I do obserue , that none she praises , Whom worthy fame , by beauties merits praises ▪ But onely of their seemely parts she tels , Whom she doth sure beleeue , her selfe excels . So , Linus praises Churchyard in his censure , Not Sydney , Daniel , Constable , nor Spencer . 101 Another of Table-talke . AMong some Table-talke of little weight , A friend of mine was askt by one great Lady : What sonnes he had ? My wife ( saith he ) hath eight : ●ow fie , said she , 't is an ill vse as may be . 〈◊〉 would you men would leaue these fond conditions , 〈◊〉 enure on vertuous wiues such wrong suspitions . ●ush , said her Lord , you giue a causelesse blame , ●he Gentleman hath wisely spoke , and well : ●o reckon all his sonnes perhaps were shame , ●is wiues sonnes therefore he doth onely tell . Behold , how much it stands a man in steede , To haue a friend answere in time of neede . 102 Of old Haywoods sonnes . OLd Haywoods sons did wax so wild & youthfull , It made their aged father sad and wrathfull . A friend one day , the elder did admonish With threats , as did his courage halfe astonish , How that except he would begin to thriue , His Sire of all his goods would him depriue . For whom , quoth he ? Eu'n for your yonger brother ▪ Nay then , said he , no feare , if 't be none other . My brother's worse then I , and till he mends , I know , my father no such wrong intends , Sith both are bad , to shew so partiall wrath , To giue his yonger vnthrift that hee hath . The end of the Second Booke . Sir IOHN HARRINGTONS Epigrams , the third Booke . 1 Yong Haywoods answere to my Lord of Warwicke . ONe neere of kinne to Heywood by his birth , And no lesse neere in name , and most in mir●h , Was once for his Religions sake committed , Whose case a Noble Peere so lately pittied : He sent to know what things with him were scant , And offered frankely to supply his want . Thankes to that Lord , said he , that will me good , For I want all things sauing hay and wood . 2 To the great Ladies of the Court. I Haue beene told , most Noble courtly Dames , That ye commend some of my Epigrams : ●ut yet I heare againe , which makes me pensiue , ●ome of them are , to some of you offensiue . Those that you like , I 'le giue , and aske no guerdon , So that you grant those you mislike , you pardon . Both are the fruitlesse fruits of idle houres , These for my pleasure reade , and those for yours . 3 Of a Lady that giues the checke . IS 't for a grace , or is 't for some disleeke , Where other kisse with lip , you giue the cheeke ? Some note that for a pride in your behauiour : But I should rather take it for a fauour . For I to show my kindnesse , and my loue , Would leaue both lip and cheek , to kisse your Gloue . Now with the cause , to make you plain acquainted , Your gloue's perfum'd , your lip & cheek are painted . 4 Of Balbus a Poet. BAlbus of Writers reck'ning vp a Rable , Thinks their names are by him made honorable : And not vouchsafing me to name at all , He thinkes that he hath greeu'd me to the gall . I galled ? Simple foole ! nor yet gulled , To thinke I may thee pray for such a dull head . Those that are guilty of defect , and blame , Doe neede such testimonials of their fame . Learne then , vntaught , learn then you enuious elues . Books are not praised , that do not praise themselues . 5 To Leda . IN Verse , for want of Rime , I know not how , I cald our Bathes the pilgrimage of Saints , You Leda much the praise do disallow , And thinke this touch your pure Religion taints . Good Leda , be not angry , for God knowes , Though I did write of Saints , I meant of shrowes . 6 To Sextus , an ill Reader . THat Epigram that last you did rehearse , Was sharpe , and in the making , near and tearse , But thou doost read so harsh , point so peruerse , It seemed now neither witty nor verse . For shame poynt better , and pronounce it cleerer , Or be no Reader , Sextus , be a Hearer . 7 Of Bathes cure vpon Marcus. THe fame of Bathe is great , and still endures , That oft it worketh admirable cures . The barren by their vertue haue conceiu'd , The weake and sick , haue health & strength receiu'd : And many Cripples that came thither carried , Go sound frō thence , when they a while haue tarried . But yet one cure on Marcus lately showne , My Muse doth thinke most worthy to be known ; For , while he bathes with Gascoyne wines & Spanish , Thereby old aches from his lymmes to banish , Hunts after youthfull company , entycing Them to the sports of bowling , carding , dycing : His wantonnesse breeds want , his want enforces Marcus , by one and one sell all his horses . Lo , how the Bathe hath searcht his sicknes roote , He can , nay more , he must goe thence afoote . 8 Of a Lady that sought remedy at the Bathe . A Lady that none name , nor blame none hath , Came the last yeere with others to the Bathe : Her person comely was , good was her feature , In beauty , grace and speech , a louely creature . Now as the Lady in the water staid , A plaine man fell a talking with her maid , That lean'd vpon the rayle , and askt the reason , Why that faire Lady vs'd the Bathe , that season ? Whether 't were lamenesse , or defect in hearing , Or some more inward euill , not appearing ? No , said the Maid to him , beleeue it well , That my faire Mistris sound is as a Bell. But of her comming , this is true occasion , An old Physician mou'd her by perswasion . These Bathes haue power to strengthen that debility , That doth in man or woman breed sterrilitie . Tush , said the man , with plaine & short discourse , Your Mistris might haue tane a better course . Let her to Oxford , to the Vniuersitie , Where yong Phisicians are , and such diuersitie Of toward spirits that in all acts proceede , Much fitter then the Bathe is for the deede . No , no , that will not serue , the Maid replide , For her , that Physike hath already tride . 9 To Sir Morris Barkly . YOur father gaue me once a Dormant warrant : But sending at Saint Iames tide to the keeper , My men came backe as from a sleeuelesse Arrant , And in a boxe , I laid my warrant sleeper . You Noble Sir , that are his heyre apparant , Will giue henceforth , I hope , a waking Warrant . 10 Of Faustus the Fault-finder . OF all my Verses , Faustus still complaines , I writ them carelesly : and why forsooth ? Because , he saith , they goe so plaine and smooth . It showes that I for them ne're beat my braines . I , that mens errors neuer loue to sooth , Said , they that say so , may be thought but noddies . For sample marke , said I , your Mistris bodies , That sit so square , and smooth down to her raines . That , that ●●ne waste , that wealth and wit doth waste . Thinke you her Taylor wrought it vp in haste ? No : aske him , and hee le say he tooke more paines Then with old Ellens double-welted frock , That sits like an old felt on a new block . Who cannot write , ill iudge of Writers vaines . The worke of Taylers hands , and Writers wits , Was hardest wrought , when as it smoothest sits . 11 Of an ill Physician for the body , that became a worse Surgeon for the soule . A Certaine Mountebanke , or paltry Leach , Finding his Physick furdred not his thrift , Thought with himselfe to find some further drift . And though the skill were farre aboue his reach , He needs would proue a Priest , and falls to preach . But patching Sermons with a sorry shift , As needs they must that ere they learne will teach : At last , some foes so neerely doe him sift , And of such words and deeds did him appeach , As from his Liuing quite they did him lift , And of the Patron straight they begd the gift : And so the Mountebanke did ouer-reach . Who when he found he was pursu'd so swift , Gaue place vnto so sharpe and fierce a breach : Shutting vp all with this shrewd muttering speach , Well , though , said he , my Liuing I haue lost , Yet many a good mans life this losse shall cost . A stander by , that would be thought officious , Straight , as an heynous matter of complaint , Doth with his speech the Iustices acquaint : Alleaging , as it seem'd , indeed suspicious , That to the State his meaning was pernitious . The Leech thus touched with so shrewd a Taint , Yet in his looke nor answer did , nor faint ; Protesting , that his mind was not malicious . But if the course that he must take be vicious , He flat affirmed it was curst constraint : ●or , of my Liuing hauing lost possession , ● must , said he , turne to my first profession ; In which , I know too well , for want of skill , My Medicines will many a man kill . 12 Of Sir Philip Sydney . ●F that be true the latter Prouerbe sayes , ● Laudari à laudatis is most praise ; ●ydney , thy works in Fames bookes are enrold , ●y Princes pennes , that haue thy works extold , Whereby thy name shall dure to endlesse dayes . ●ut now , if rules of contrary should hold , ●hen I , poore I , were drownd in deepe dispraise , Whose works base Writers haue so much debased , That Lynus dares pronounce them all defaced . 13 Of impudent Lynus . NOt any learning , Lynus , no , God knowes , But thy brute boldnes made some to suppose , That thou might'st haue been bred in Brazen-nose . A murren on thy pate , 't would doe thee grace , So were thine head so arm'd in euery place , A Steele scull , Copper nose , and Brazen face . 14 Against an vnthrifty Lynus . MAny men maruaile Lynus doth not thriue , That had more trades then any man aliue ; As first , a Broker , then a Petty-fogger , A Traueller , a Gamster , and a Cogger , A Coyner , a Promoter , and a Bawde , A Spy , a Practicer in euery fraude : And missing thrift by these lewd trades and sinister , He takes the best , yet proues the worst , a Minister . 15 Of Faustus . I Find in Faustus such an alteration , He giues to Paulus wondrous commendation : Is Paulus late to him waxt friendly ? No. But sure , poore Faustus faine would haue it so . 16 Of a deuout Vsurer . A Merchant , hearing that great Preacher , SMITH , Preach against Vsury , that art of byting , The Sermon done , embrac'd the man forth-with , Vnto his bord most friendly him inuiting . A friend of his , hoping some sweet aspersion Of grace would moue him to some restitution , Wist him , in token of his full Conuersion , Release some Debters , held in Execution . Foole , said he , thinke you I le leaue my trade ? No : but I thinke this Preacher learn'd and painefull , Because the more from it he doth perswade , 'T is like to proue to me more sweet and gainefull . Was euer Iew of Malta , or of Millain , Then this most damned Iew , more Iewish villain ? 17 Of a reformed Brother . IN studying Scriptures , hearing Sermons oft , Thy mind is growne so plyable and soft , That though none can attaine to true perfection , Thy works come neere the words of their direction . Thy counsell oft to fast , and euer pray , Thou louest oft to feast , and euer play : ●ackcloth and Cinders they aduise to vse , ●ack , Cloues , and Sugar , thou wouldst haue to chuse : ●hey wish our works , and life , should shine like light . Thy workes and all thy life is passing light , They bid vs follow still the Apostles lore , Apostata's thou follow'st euermore . They bid refresh the poore with Almes-deedes , Thou rauish dost the poore with all misdeedes . They promist ioyes eternall neuer wasting , You merit noyes infernall euerlasting . 18 Of Sheepe turned Wolues . WHen hearts obdurate make of sin an habit● High frowning Nemesis was wont to sen● Beares , Lions , Wolues , and Serpents , to this end , To spoyle the coasts whereso good folke inhabite . Now since this age , in habite and in act , Excels the sinnes of euery former age , No maruaile Nemesis in her iust rage , Doth like , or greater punishment exact . And for this cause , a cruell beast is sent , Not only that deuoures and spoyles the people , But spares not house , nor village , Church nor Steepl● And makes poore widdowes mourn , Orphants lamē● You muse ( perhaps ) what beasts they be that keep ▪ Such beastly rule as seld was seene before ! T is neither Beare , nor Lyon , Bull , nor Bore : But Beasts , then al these beasts , more harmeful she●● Loe then , the mystery from whence the name Of Cotsold Lyons first to England came . 19 Of Lynus , borrowing . WHen Lynus meets me , after salutations ; Courtsies , and complements , and gratulations , He presseth me , euen to the third deniall . ●o lend him twenty shillings , or a royall : But of his purpose , of his curtsie fayling , He goes behind my backe , cursing and rayling . Foole , thy kind speeches cost not thee a pen●y , And more foole I , if they should cost me any . 20 Of one Master Carelesse . WHere dwels Mr. Carelesse ? Iesters haue no dwelling . Where lies he ? in his tongue by most mens telling . Where bords he ? there where feasts are foūd by smelling Where bites he ? all behind , with all men yelling . Where bides the man ? oh sir , I mist your spelling . ●ow I will read , yet well I doe not wot : ●ut if that I to him shall point his lot , In Shot-ouer , at Dogs-head in the pot . For in that signe his head oft ouer-shot . 21 Against Momus , in praise of his dogge Bungey . BEcause a witty Writer of this time , Doth make some mention in a pleasant rime , Of Lepidus and of his famous dogge , Thou Momus , that dost loue to scoffe and cogge , Prat'st amongst base companions and giue'st out , That vnto me herein , is meant aflout . Hate makes thee blinde , Momus , I dare be sworne , He meant to me his loue , to thee his scorne , Put on thy enuious spectacles and see , Whom doth he scorne therein , the dogge or mee : The Dogge is grac't , compared with great Bankes , Both beasts right famous , for their pretty prankes , Although in this , I grant , the dogge was worse , He onely fed my pleasure , not my purse : Yet that same Dogge , I may say this and boast it , He found my purse with gold when I haue lost it . Now for my selfe , some fooles like thee may iudge , That at the name of Lepidus I grudge , No sure : so farre I thinke it from disgrace , I wisht it cleare to me and to my race : Lepus or Lepos , I in both haue part , That in my name I beare , this in mine heart . But , Momus , I perswade my selfe that no man , Will deigne thee such a name , English or Roman , I le wage a But of Sack , the best in Bristo , Who calles me Lepid , I will call him Tristo . 22 Of Faustus . NOw Faustus saith , long Epigrams are dull . Lowt , Larks are lothsom whē ones panch is ful● Yet whom the short doe please , the long not weary , I wish them neuer weary , euer merry . 23 Of summum bonum . WHile I of summum bonum was disputing , Propounding some positiōs , som confuting , ●ld Sextus sayes that we were all deluded , ●nd that not one of vs aright concluded . ●nowledge , sayth he , is only true felicity , ●traightwayes a stranger askt me in simplicity , ● Sextus learned ? no quoth I , by this light , ●hen without light , how iudgeth he so right ? He doth but ayme , as poore men vallew wealth , The feeble value strength ; the sicke man health . 24 To Mall , to comfort her for the losse of her Children . ●Hen at the window thou thy doues art feeding , Then thinke I shortly my Doue will be breeding , ●●ke will loue like , and so my liking like thee , 〈◊〉 I to doues in many things can like thee , ●oth of you loue your lodgings dry and warme , ●oth of you doe your neighbours little harme , ●oth loue to feede vpon the firmest graine , ●oth for your liuings take but little paine , Both murmur kindly , both are often billing , Yet both to Venus sports will seeme vnwilling ; Both doe delight to looke your selues in Glasses , You both loue your own houses as it passes ; Both fruitfull are , but yet the Doue is wiser , For , though she haue no friend that can aduise her , She , patiently can take her young ones losse , Thou , too impatiently doost beare such crosse . 25 Of the excuse of Symony . CLerus , I heare , doth some excuse alledge Of his , and other fellowes sacriledge : As namely , that to some , against their wills , That men are bound to take the lesse of ills ; That they had rather , no man need to doubt , Take Liuings whole , then such as his without : And therefore we must lay this haynous crime , Not vnto them forsooth , but to the time . Alas ! a fault confest , were halfe amended , But sinne is doubled that is thus defended . I know , a right wise man sings and beleeues , Where no Receiuers are , there be no Theeues . 26 In commendation of Master Lewkeners sixt description of Venice . Dedicated to Lady Warwick . 1595. LO , here 's describ'd , though but in little roome , Faire Venice , like a Spouse in Neptunes armes ; For freedome , emulous to ancient Rome , Famous for counsell much , and much for Armes : Whose stories earst written with Tuscan quill , Lay to our English wits , as halfe conceal'd , Till Lewkners learned trauaile and his skill , In well grac'd stile and phrase hath it reueald . Venice , be proud , that thus augments thy fame ; England , be kind , enricht with such a Booke , Both giue due honor to that noble Dame , For whom this taske the Writer vnder-tooke . 27 Of one that gaue a Benefice . A Squire of good account , affirm'd he went , A learned man a Liuing to present : But yet that Squire , in this did breake no square , He purposed thereof to keepe a share ; ●o set two sonnes to schoole , to make them Clarks , He doth reserue each yeere an hundred markes . Ah , said the Priest , this card is too too cooling , I set your sonnes ; nay , they set me to schooling ▪ 28 Of Faustus fishing . WIth siluer hooke Faustus for flesh was fishing , But that game byting not vnto his wishing , He said , he did ( being thus shrewdly matcht ) Fish for a Roach , but had a Gudgen catcht . Faustus , it seemes thy luck therein was great , For sure the Gudgen is the better meat . Now bayt againe , that game is set so sharpe , That to that Gudgen , thou mayst catch a Carpe . 29 To his friend . Of his Booke of Aiax . YOu muse to find in me such alteration , That I , that may denly to write was wont , Would now set to a Booke so desperate front , As I might scant defend by incitation . My Muse that time did need a strong Purgation , Late hauing tane some bruse by lewd reports ; And whē the Physick wrought , you know the fashi●● Whereto a man in such a case resorts : And so my Muse , with good decorum spent On that base titled Booke , her excrement . 30 Of a Seller of Time. WHen of your Lordship I a Lease renew'd , You promis'd me before we did conclud● To giue me time , namely , twice twelue months day , For such a Fine as I ●greed to pay . I bade a hundred pound , 't was worth no more ▪ Your Lordship set it higher by a score . Now , since I haue by computation found , That two yeeres day cost me this twenty pound . Sir , pardon me , to be thus plainely told it , Your Lordship gaue not two yeeres day , you sold it . 31 Of the Earle of Essex . GReat Essex , now of late incurred hath His Mistris indignation and her wrath : And that in him she chiefly dissalouth , ●he sent him North , he bent him to the South : Then what shall Essex do ? Let him henceforth , Bend all his wits , his power and courage North. 32 Of himselfe . BEcause in this my selfe-contenting vaine , To write so many Toyes I borrow leasure , ●riends sorrow , fearing I take too much paine , ●oes enuy , swearing , I take too much pleasure . I smile at both , and wish , to ease their griefes , That each with other would but change reliefes . 30 To Doctor Sherwood , of Bathe . BEcause among some other idle glances , I , of the Bathes say sometimes as it chances , That this an onely place is in this age , To which faire Ladies come in pilgrimage , You feare such wanton gleekes , and ill report , May stop great States that thither would resort . No , neuer feare it , pray but for faire weather : Such speech as this , will bring them faster thither . 31 Of Marcus courtesie . WHen I some little purchase haue in hand , Straight Marcus kindly offers me his band . I tell him , and he takes it in great snuffe , His is a Falling Band , I weare a Ruffe . But if you maruaile I his helpe refuse , And meane herein some meaner mans to vse : The cause is this , I meane , within a weeke , That he of me like courtesie will seeke . 32 Of one that had a blacke head , and a gray Beard . THough many search , yet few the cause can find● Why thy beard gray , thy head continues black● ●ome thinke thy Beard more subiect to the winde . ●ome think that thou dost vse that new-found knack , Excusable to such as haire doe lacke : ● quaint Gregorian to thy head to binde ▪ ●ome thinke that with a combe of drossie Lead , ●hy siluer locks doe turne to colour darke : ●ome thinke 't is but the nature of thy head : ●ut we thinke most of these haue mist the marke . For this thinke we , that thinke we thinke aright , Thy beard and yeeres are graue , thy head is light . 33 Against an old Lecher . SInce thy third carriage of the French infection , Priapus hath in thee found no erection : ●et eat'st thou Ringoes , and Potato Rootes , ●nd Caueare , but it little bootes . ●esides the beds-head a bottle lately found , Of liquor that a quart cost twenty pound . ●or shame , if not more grace , yet shew more wit , ●urcease , now sinne leaues thee , to follow it . Some smile , I sigh , to see thy madnesse such , That that withstands not , stands thee in so much . 34 To his wiues Mother , reprouing her vnconstancie . LAst yeere while at your house I hapt to tarry , Of all your goods , you tooke an Inuentory : Your Tapistry , your linnen , bedding , plate , Your sheepe , your horse , your cattle you did rate : And yet one moueable you did forget , More moueable then this , therein to set . Your wauering minde , I meane , which is so moueable ▪ That you for it , haue euer beene reproueable . 35 Of a Cuckold that had a chaste Wife . WHen those Triumvers set that three mans song , Which stablished in Rome a hellish Trinity , That all the towne , and all the world did wrong , Killing their friends , and kinne of their affinity , By tripartite Indenture , parting Rome , As if the world for them had wanted roome , Plotyna wife of one of that same hundred , Whom Anthony prescrib'd to lose their life , For beauty much , for loue to be more wondred , Su'd for his Spouse , and told she was his wife . The Tyrant pleasant to see so faire a suter , Doth kisse her , and imbrace her , and salute her . Then makes , nay mocks , a loue too kinde , too cruell She must , to saue her husband from proscription , Grant him one night , her husbands chiefest Iewell : And what he meant , he shewd by lewd description : Vowing , except he might his pleasure haue , No meanes would serue , her husbands life to saue . Oh motion ! louing thoughts , no thoughts , but thorn● Either he dies , whom she esteemes most dearely : Or she her selfe subiect to thousand scornes . Both feares doe touch a Noble Matron neerely . Loe , yet an act , performed by this woman , Worthy a woman , worthy more a Romane : To show more then her selfe she lou'd her Spouse , She yeelds her body to this execution . Come , Tyrant , come , performe thy damned vowes , Her single heart hath doubled thy pollution . Thou pollute her ? No , foole , thou art beguiled : She in thy filthy lap lies vndefiled . Honour of Matrons , of all wiues a mirror ! He sweare with thee , thy husband weares no horne : Or if this act , conuince mine oath of error , T was a most precious one , an Vnicorne . If ought I know by hearing or by reading , This act Lucretias deed is farre exceeding . 36 Of the Lady that lookt well to her borders . A Lady of great Birth , great reputation , Clothed in seemely , & most sumptuous fashion : Wearing a border of rich Pearle and stone , Esteemed at a thousand crownes alone , To see a certaine Interlude , repaires , Through a great prease , vp a darke paire of staires . Her Page did beare a Torch that burnt but dimly . Two cozening mates , seeing her deckt so trimly , Did place themselues vpon the stayres to watch her , And thus they laid their plot to cunny-catch her : One should as 't were by chance strike out the light ; While th' other that should stand beneath her , might Attempt , ( which modestie to suffer lothes ) Rudely to thrust his hands vnder her clothes . That while her hands repeld such grosse disorders , His mate might quickly slip away the borders . Now though this act to her was most displeasant , Yet being wise ( as womens wits are present : ) Straight on her borders both her hands she cast , And with all her force she held them fast . Villaines , she cryde , you would my borders haue : But I 'le saue them tother it selfe can saue : Thus , while the Page had got more store of light , The coozening mates , for feare slipt out of sight . Thus her good wit , their cunning ouer-matcht . Were not these conycatchers conycatcht ? 37 The Hermaphrodite . WHen first my mother bore me in her wombe , She went to make inquirie of the gods , First of my birth , and after of my tombe . All answerd true , yet all their words had ods . Phoebus affirm'd , a Male childe should be borne : Mars said it would be female , Iuno neither : But I came forth , alas , to natures scorne , Hermaphrodite , as much as both together . Then for my death , Iuno foretold the sword : Phoebus assign'd me drowning for my fa●e : Mars threatned hanging , each perform'd their word , As note how well prou'd true in seuerall rate . A Tree fast by a brooke I needs would clime , My sword slipt out , and while no heede I tooke , My side fell on the point , and at that same time , My foote in boughs , my head hang'd in the brooke : That I thus borne a Male , a Female neither , Dyde drown'd , & h●ng'd , & wounded all together . 38 Of a sicknesse grew with a Tobacco pipe . VNto a gentle Gentlewomans chamber ▪ Her Pedler came , her husband being thence , ●o sell fine linnen , Lawnes and Muske and Amber . ●he franke of fauours , sparing of expence , ●o bargain'd with her , ere he parted thence , ●hat for ten Ells of Holland , fiue of Lawne , ●o grant dishonest pleasures , she was drawne . ●ext day the man repenting of his cost , ●id studie meanes , to get him resolution : ●r to be paid for that he there had lost , ●nd thus he puts his thought in execution : ●e turnes to her , with settled resolution , ●nd in her husbands presence vnawares , ●e asketh fifty shillings for his wares . ●er husband ignorant what cause had bred it , ●y wife , said he , had you so spent your store , ●ou must with petty chapmen runne on credit ? Now for my Honors sake , doe so no more . No Sir ( quoth she ) I meant it to restore . I tooke it of him onely for a tryall , And finde it too high prised for a Royall . Thus neuer changing countenance , she doth rise ▪ With outward silence , inward anger choking . And going to her closer , she espies Tobacco in a pype , yet newly smoking . She takes the pype , her malice her prouoking , And laps it in his linnen , comming backe , And so the Pedler put it in his packe , And packes away , and ioyes that with his wyle , He had regayn'd the stuffe , yet gayn'd his pleasure . But hauing walked scarcely halfe a mile , His packe did smoke , and smell so out of measure , That opening it vnto his great displeasure , He found by that Tobacco pype too late , The fiery force of feeble female hate . And seeking then some remedy by lawes , Vnto a neighbour Iustice he complaines : But when the Iustice vnderstood the cause , In her examination taking paines , And found 't was but a fetch of womens braines : The cause dismist , he bids the man beware , To deale with women that could burne his ware . 39 A good answere of a Gentlewoman to a Lawyer . A Vertuous Dame , that saw a Lawyer rome Abroad , reprou'd his stay so long from home : ●nd said to him , that in his absence thence , ●is wife might want her due beneuolence . ●ut he straight quit himselfe of such disgrace , ●nswer'd it thus , with putting off a case . ●ne owes one hundred pounds , now tell me whether 〈◊〉 best ? To haue his paiment all together : ●r take it by a shilling , and a shilling , ●hereby the bagge should be the longer filling ? ●ure , said the Dame , I grant 't were little losse , ●one receiu'd such payments all in grosse . Yet in your absence this may breede your sorrow , To heare your wife for want might twelue pence borrow . 40 Of one that tooke thought for his wife . NO sooner Cynnas wife was dead and buried , But that with mourning much and sorrows wearied Maid , a seruant of his wiues , he wedded , ●nd after hee had boorded her , and bedded . And in her Mistris roome had fully plast her , His wiues old seruant waxed his new master . 41 Sir Iohn Bauynsfords choyce of a man. RAinsford , whose acts were many times outragiou● Had speciall care , to haue his men couragious : A certaine friend of his one day began , Vnto his seruice to commend a man , One well approued , he said , in many iarres , Whereof in head armes , hands , remain'd the skarres ▪ The Knight the man , his markes and manners view'd ▪ And flat refusing him , did thus conclude : This is no man for me , but I suppose , He is a tall fellow that gaue him all these blowes ▪ 42 Of Linus and his Mistris . CHaste Linus , but as valiant as a Gander , Came to me yet , in friendly sort as may be : Lamenting that I rais'd on him a slander , Namely , that he should keepe a gallant Lady . Begge me ( said I ) if I proue such a babie , To let my tongue , so false and idly wander . Who sayes that you keepe her , lyes in her throate , But she keepes you , that all the world may note . 43 Inpraise of a Lady and her Musike . VPon an Instrument of pleasing sound A Lady playd More pleasing to the sight . ● being askt in which of these I found Greatest content , my senses to delight ? Rauisht in both at once , as much as may be , Said , Sweet was Musike , sweeter was the Lady . 44 Of Riding-rimes . FAire Leda reads our Poetry sometimes , But saith she cannot like our Ryding-rimes ; ●ffirming that the Cadens falleth sweeter , ●hen as the Verse is plac'd between the Meeter . ●ell , Leda , leaue henceforth this quarrel-piking , ●nd sith that one between is to your liking , You shall haue one betweene ; yet some suppose , Leda hath lou'd both Riding-rime , and Prose . 45 Of deuout Parents and children . A Husband and a vvife oft disagreeing , And either weary of th' other , being ●choller great , either deuoutly prayes 〈◊〉 God , that he will shorten th' others dayes : But more deuout then both , their sonne and hei●e Praies God that he wil grant thē both their pray'r . 46 In commendation of two valiant Scottish Knights , that defended their King from the Earle Gowry : Sir Thomas Erskin , Sir Iohn Ramsey . THe Persian Monarch , who by faithfull spyall Was safe preseru'd frō slaues intended slaughter , By him whose Cousin and adopted daughter Vnwares he did endow with scepter royall ; When reading in his bed a good while after , He found in true records that seruice loyall , Then with most gratefull mind to make requitall , And to increase Mardoches great renowne , Vpon his head ( such was their vse that season ) He caused to be set his royall Crowne . But greater should be your reward in reason ; He but reueal'd , but you reueng'd a Treason . 47 In prayse of the Countesse of Darby , married to the Lord Chauncellor . THis noble Countesse liued many yeeres With Darby , one of Englands greatest Peeres ; Fruitfull and faire , and of so cleare a name , That all this Region marueld at her fame . But this braue Peere , extinct by hastned Fate , She stayd ( ah too too long ) in widdowes state : And in that state , tooke so sweet State vpon her , All eares , eyes , tongues , heard , saw , & told her honor : Yet finding this a saying full of veritie , T is hard to haue a Patent of prosperitie , Shee found her wisest way and safe to deale , Was to consort with him that keepes the Seale . 48 Of Cosmus , that will keepe a good house hereafter . OLd Cosmus to his friends thus out doth giue , After awhile , he like a Lord will liue . After awhile , he le end all troublous suites , After awhile , retaine some men of qualitie , After awhile , of riches reape the fruits , After awhile , keepe house in some formality , After awhile , finish his beautious building , After awhile , leaue off his busie buying : ●et all the while he liues but like a hilding , ●is head growes gray with fresh vexations toyling . ●ell , Cosmus , I beleeue your heire doth smile , ●o thinke what you will doe after awhile : For sure , the Prouerbe is more true then ciuill , Blest is the sonne whose Sire goes to the Diuell . 49 Of neate Galla. THe pride of Galla now is growne so great , She seekes to be surnam'd Galla the neat , But who their merits shall , and manners scan , May thinke the terme is due to her good man. Ask you , Which way ? Methinks your wits are dull : My Shoomakes resolue you can at full , Neats Leather is both Oxe-hide , Cow , and Bull. 50 Of reuersing an error . I Did you wrong , at least you did suppose , For taxing certaine faults of yours in Prose : But now I haue the same in Ryme reherst , My error , nay your error is reuerst . 51 Of good Sauce . I Went to suppe with Cinna tother night , And to say true ( for giue the diuell his right ) Though scant of meat we could a morsell get , Yet there with store of passing sauce we met . You aske what sauce , where pittance was so small ? This , Is not hunger the best sauce of all ? 52 Of a slaunder . ON Lesbya , Lynus raysed had a slander , For which whē as she thought to take an actiō ▪ Yet by request she tooke this satisfaction , That being drunke , his tongue did idly wander : Came this from Viderit vtilitas ? Or else from this , In Vino veritas ? 53 Of a Lady early vp . LEsbya , that wonted was to sleepe till noone , This other morning stirring was at fiue : What did she meane , thinke you , to rise so soone ? I doubt we shall not haue her long aliue . Yes : neuer feare it , there is no such danger , It seemes vnto her course you be a stranger : For why , a dauncing , banquetting , and play , And at Carowsing many a costly cup , She sate the night before , vntill t was day , And by that meane , you found her early vp ▪ Oh , was it so ? why then the case is cleere , That she was early vp , and ne're the neere . The end of the third Booke . Sir IOHN HARRINGTONS Epigrams , the fourth Booke . 1 To an ill Reader . THe verses , Sextus , thou doost read , are mine ; But with bad reading thou wilt make thē thine . 2 In lectorem inuidum . WHo reades our verse , with visage sowre and grim . I wish him enuy me , none enuy him . 3 Of Table friends . YOu thinke his faith is firme , his friendship stable , Whose first acquaintance grew but at your Table : ●e loues your venison , snytes , quailes , larks , not you : ●ake me such fare , and take my friendship too . 4 The Authour to his wife , of partition . SOme Ladies with their Lords diuide their state , And liue so when they list , at seuerall rate ; But I 'le endure thee , Mall , on no condition , To sue with me a writ of such partition . Twice seuen yeeres since , most solemnly I vow'd , With all my worldly goods I thee endow'd , Then house , plate , stuffe , not part , but all is thine : Yet so , that thou , and they , and all are mine . Then let me goe , and sue my writ of dotage , If I with thee part house , or close , or cottage . For , where this is my Lords , and that my Ladies , There some , perhaps , think likewise of their babie● 5 Of Treason . TReason doth neuer prosper , what 's the reason ? For if it prosper , none dare call it Treason . 6 Of the warres in Ireland . I Prays'd the speech , but cannot now abide it , That war is sweet , to those that haue not try'd it : For I haue prou'd it now , and plainely see 't , It is so sweet , it maketh all things sweet . At home Canarie wines and Greeke grow lothsome : Here milke is Nectar , water tasteth toothsome . There without bak't , rost , boyld , it is no cheere . Bisket we like , and Bonny Clabo heere . There we complaine of one reare rosted chicke : Heere viler meat , worse cookt , ne're makes me sicke . At home in silken spa●uers , beds of Downe , We scant can rest , but still tosse vp and downe : Heere I can sleepe , a saddle to my pillow , A hedge the Curtaine , Canopy a Willow . There if a child but cry , oh what a spite ! Heere we can brooke three larums in one night . There homely roomes must be perfum'd with Roses : Here match and powder ne're offends our noses . There from a storme of raine we run like Pullets : Heere we stand fast against a showre of bullets . Lo then how greatly their opinions erre , That thinke there is no great delight in warre : But yet for this ( sweet warre ) I le be thy debter , I shall for euer loue my home the better . 7 Of Women learned in the tongues . YOu wisht me to a wife , faire , rich and young , That had the Latine , French and Spanish tongue . I thank't , and told you I desir'd none such , And said , One Language may be tongue too much . Then loue I not the learned ? yes as my life ; A learned mistris , not a learned wife . 8 The Author to his wife , of the twelue Signes , how they gouerne . MArke here ( my Mall ) how in this dozen lines , Thus placed are the twelue celestiall Signes : And first , the Ram beares rule in head and face , The stiffe-neckt Bull in neck doth hold his place , And Twins mine armes and hands do both imbrace . Then Cancer keepes the small ribs and the brest , And Leo back and heart hath aye possest . Then Virgo claimes the entrailes and the panch , Libra the nauell , reynes , and either hanch . Scorpio pretends power in the priuy parts , Both thighes are pierst with Sagitaries darts . Then Capricorne to knees his force doth send , Aquarius doth to legges his vertue lend . Pisces beneath vnto the feet discend . Thus each part is possest ; now tell me , Mall , Where lies thy part ? in which of these ? In all . In all ? content . Yet sure thou art more iealous Of Leo's part and Scorpio's , then their fellowes . 9 Against Swearing . IN elder times an ancient custome was , To sweare in weighty matters by the Masse . But when the Masse went downe ( as old men note ) They sware then by the crosse of this same grote . And when the Crosse was likewise held in scorne , Then by their faith , the common oath was sworne . Last , hauing sworne away all faith and troth , Only God dam'n them is their common oath . Thus custome kept decorum by gradation , That losing Masse , Crosse , Faith , they find damnation . 10 Of little pitie . WHen noble Essex , Blount and Danuers died , One saw them suffer , that had heard them tried : And sighing , said ; When such braue souldiers dye , Is●t not great pitie , thinke you ? No , said I : There is no man of sense in all the citie , Will say , 'T is great , but rather little pitie . 11 Of a Booke called the Gentle Craft . I Past this other day through Pauls Church-yard , And heard some reade a booke , and reading laught , The title of the booke was Gentle Craft . But when I markt the matter with regard , A new-sprung branch that in my minde did graft , And thus I said , Sirs , scorne not him that writ it : A gilded blade hath oft a dudgeon haft , And well I see , this writer roues a shaft Neere fairest marke , yet happily not hit it . For neuer was the like booke sold in Poules , If so with Gentle Craft it could perswade Great Princes midst their pompe to learne a trad● Once in their liues to worke , to mend their soule● 12 Of the games that haue beene in request at the Court. I Heard one make a pretty Obseruation , How games haue in the Court turn'd with the fashion The first game was the best , when free from crime , The Courtly gamesters all were in their prime : The second game was Post , vntill with posting They paid so fast , 't was time to leaue their boasting . Then thirdly follow'd heauing of the Maw , A game without Ciuility or Law , An odious play , and yet in Court oft seene , A sawcy knaue to trump both King and Queene . Then follow'd Lodam , hand to hand or quarter , At which some maids so ill did keep the Quarter , That vnexpected , in a short abode They could not cleanly beare away their load . Now Noddy follow'd next , as well it might , Although it should haue gone before of right . At which I saw , I name not any body , One neuer had the knaue , yet laid for Noddy . The last game now in vse is Bankerupt , Which will be plaid at still , I stand in doubt , Vntill Lauolta turne the wheele of time , And make it come about againe to Prime . 13 The Author to Queene Elizabeth , in praise of her reading . FOr euer deare , for euer dreaded Prince , You read a verse of mine a little since , ●nd so pronounst each word , and euery letter , ●our Gracious reading , grac't my verse the better . ●ith then your Highnes doth by gift exceeding , Make what you read , the better in your reading , Let my poore Muse your paines thus far importune , To leaue to read my verse , and read my fortune . 14 Of King Henries wooing . VNto a stately great outlandish Dame , A Messenger from our King Henry came , ● Henry of famous memory the eight ) ●o treat with her in matter of great weight ; ●s namely , how the King did seeke her marriage , ●ecause of her great vertue and good carriage . ●he ( that had heard the King lou'd change of pasture ) ●●pli'de , I humbly thanke the King , your Master , And would , ( such loue his fame in me hath bred , ) My body venter so , but not my head . 15 Two witty answers of Bishop Bonner . BOnner , that late had Bishop beene of London , Was bid by one , Good morrow Bishop quondam : He with the scoffe , no whit put out of temper , Reply'd incontinent , Adieu knaue Semper . Another in such kinde of scoffing speeches , Would beg his tippet , needs , to line his breeches . Not so ( quoth he ) but it may be thy hap , To haue a foolish head to line thy cap. 16 Of Lynus borrowing . LYnus came late to me , sixe crownes to borrow , And sware God damn him , hee 'd repai't to morrow . I knew his word , as currant as his band , And straight I gaue to him three crownes in hand ; This I to giue , this he to take was willing , And thus he gaind , and I sau'd fifteene shilling . 17 A good answere of the Poet Dant to an Atheist . THe pleasant learn'd Italian Poet Dant , Hearing an Atheist at the Scriptures iest , Askt him in iest , which was the greatest beast ? He simply said ; he thought an Elephant . Then Elephant ( quoth Dant ) it were commodious , That thou wouldst hold thy peace , or get thee hence , Breeding our Conscience scandall and offence With thy prophan'd speech , most vile and odious . Oh Italy , thou breedst but few such Dants , I would our England bred no Elephants . 18 Of Quintus almes . WHen Quintus walketh out into the street , As soone as with some begger he doth meete , Ere that poore soule to aske his almes hath leasure , He first doth chafe and sweare beyond all measure , And for the Beadle all about he sends , To beare him to Bridewell , so he pretends . The Begger quickly out of sight doth goe , ●ull glad in heart he hath escaped so . Then Quintus laughes , and thinks it is lesse charges , To sweare an oath or two , then giue a larges . 19 Of Marcus his drunken feasting . WHen Marcus makes ( as oft he doth ) a feast , The Wine still costs him more then all the rest . Were water in this towne as deare as hay , His horses should not long at liuery stay . ●ut tell me , is 't not a most foolish tricke , ●o drinke to others healths till thou be sicke ? ●et such the fashion is of Bacchus crue , ●o quaffe and bowze , vntill they belch and spue : Well , leaue it , Marcus , else thy drinking health , Will proue an eating to thy wit and wealth . 20 A good iest of a Crow . A Baron and a Knight , one day walking On Richmond greene , & as they were in talking , A Crow , that lighted on the raile by Fortune , Stood becking , and cry'd kaw with noise importune . This bird , the Baron said , doth you salute , Sir Knight , as if to you he had some sute , Not vnto me , the Knight reply'd in pleasance , 'T is to some Lord he makes so low obeysance . 21 Of kissing the foote . A Courtier , kinde in speech , curst in condition , Finding his fault could be no longer hidden , Went to his friend to cleere his hard suspition , And fearing lest he might be more then chidden , Fell to a flattering and most base submission , Vowing to kisse his foote , if he were bidden . My foote ? ( said he ) that were too submisse , But three foote higher you deserue to kisse . 22 Of a sawcy Cator . A Cator had of late some wild-fowle bought , And when vnto his Master them he brought , Forthwith the Master smelling nigh the rump , Said , Out , thou knaue , these sauour of the pump . The man ( that was a rude and sawcy Lout ) What Sir , said he , smell you them thereabout ? Smell your faire Lady there , and by your fauour , Your fortune may meete with a fulsome sauour . 23 Of a certaine Man. THere was ( not certain when ) a certaine preacher , That neuer learn'd , and yet became a Teacher , Who hauing read in Latine thus a Text Of erat quidam homo , much perplext , He seem'd the same with study great to scan In English thus ; there was a certaine man. But now ( quoth he ) good people , note you this , He saith there was , he doth not say there is : For in these daies of ours , it is most certaine , Of promise , oth , word , deed , no man is certaine : Yet by my text you see it comes to passe , That surely once a certaine man there was . But yet I thinke , in all your Bible no man Can finde this text ; there was a certaine woman . 24 Of Lesbia . OLd widdow Lesbia , after husbands fiue , Yet feeleth Cupids flames in her reuiue . And now she takes a gallant youth and trim . Alas for her , nay , nay , alas for him . 25 The horne Cinqu●-apace . WHo wishes , hopes , and thinks , his wife is true , To him one horne , or vnicorne is due . Who sees his wife play false , and will not spy it , He hath two hornes , and yet he may deny it . The man that can indure when all men scorne , And pardon open faults , hath treble horne ; Who brings fine Courtiers oft to see his bride , He hath one paire of hornes on either side . But he that sweares hee did so happy wiue , He can be none of these , let him haue fiue . 26 Of cursing Cuckolds . A Lord that talked late in way of scorne , Of some that ware inuisibly the horne , Said he could wish , and did ( as for his part ) All Cuckolds in the Thames , with all his heart . But straight a pleasant Knight reply'd to him , I hope your Lordship learned hath to swimme . 27 Of the pillars of the Church . IN old time they were the Churches pillars , That did excell in learning and in piety , And were to youth examples of sobriety , Of Christs faire field the true and painefull tillers : But where are now the men of that society ? Are all those tillers dead ? those pillars broken ? No , God forbid such blasphemy be spoken ; I say , to stop the mouthes of all ill-willers , Gods field hath harrowers still , his Church hath pillars , 28 Of Exchange . OLd Caius sold a wench , to buy a barke . Yong Titus gaue the ship , to haue the slut . Who makes the better mart , now let vs marke , Th' one loues to roue , the tother goes to rut . 29 Of Lesbias kissing craft . LEsbia with study found a meanes in th' end , In presence of her Lord to kisse her friend , Each of them kist by turnes a little Whelpe , Transporting kisses thus by puppies helpe . And so her good old Lord she did beguise : Was not my Lord a puppy all the while ? 30 Of sixe sorts of Fasters . SIxe sorts of folkes I find vse fasting dayes , But of these sixe , the sixt I onely praise . The sicke man fasts , because he cannot eate . The poore doth fast , because he hath no meate . The miser fasts , with mind to mend his store . The glutton , with intent to eate the more . The hypocrite , thereby to seeme more holy . The vertuous , to preuent or punish folly . Now he that eateth fast , and drinkes as fast , May match these fasters , any but the last . 31 Of Cinna . PVre Cinna gets his wife a maiden Cooke With red cheeks , yellow locks , & cheerfull looke . What might he meane hereby ? I hold my life , She dresseth flesh for him , not for his wife . 32 Of Claudia . CLaudia , to saue a noble Romans blood , Was offred by some friends that wisht his good , A iewell of inestimable price ; But she would not be won by this deuice : For she did take his head , and leaue the iewell . Was Claudia now more couetous , or cruell ? 33 A rule to Play. LAy down your stake at play , lay down your passion : A greedy gamester still hath some mis-hap . To chafe at play , proceeds of foolish fashion . No man throws still the dice in fortunes lap . 34 Of a drunken Tobacconist . WHen Marcus hath carrowst March Beere and Sack , And that his brains grow dizzy therewithall , Then of Tobacco he a pipe doth lacke , Of Trinidade in cane , in leafe , or ball , Which tane a little , he doth spit and smacke , Then laies him on his bed for feare to fall , And poore Tobacco beares the name of all . But that same pipe which Marcus braine did lade . Was of Medera , not of Trinidade . 35 Tristis es & foelix , sciat hoc fortuna Caueto . To a Lady . FRoward yet fortunate ? if fortune knew it , Beleeue me , Madam , she would make you rue it . 36 A Salisbury tale . FAire Sarum's Church , beside the stately tower , Hath many things in number aptly sorted , Answering the yeere , the month , weeke , day & houre , But aboue all ( as I haue heard reported , And to the view doth probably appeare ) A piller for each houre in all the yeere . Further , this Church of Sarum hath beene found , To keepe in singing seruice so good forme , That most Cathedrall Churches haue beene bound , Themselues ad vsum Sarum to conforme : I am no Cabalist to iudge by number , Yet that this Church is so with pillers fill'd , It seemes to me to be the lesser wonder , That Sarums Church is euery hower pill'd . And sith the rest are bound to Sarums vse , What maruell if they taste of like abuse ? 37 Of a faire Shrew . FAire , rich , and yong ? how rare is her perfection , Were it not mingled with one foule infection ? I meane , so proud a heart , so curst a tongue , As makes her seeme , nor faire , nor rich , nor yong . 38 Of Gods part . ONe that had farm'd a fat Impropriation , Vs'd to his neighbours often exhortation , To pay to him the tithes and profits duely , Affirming ( as he might affirme most truely ) How that the tithes are God Almighties part , And therefore they should pay 't with all their heart . But straight replyed one amongst the rest , ( One that had crost him oft , but neuer blest . ) It is Gods part indeed , whose goodnes gaue it ; But yet oft times we see the Diuell haue it . 39 Of Lalus symoniacall horse-coursing . PVre Lalus gate a benefice of late , Without offence of people , Church , or State ; Yea but aske eccho how he did come by it , Come buy it ? No with oathes he will deny it . He nothing gaue direct , or indirectly . ●ie , Lalus , now you tell vs a direct lye : Did not your Patron for an hundred pound , ●ell you a horse was neither yong nor sound , No Turke , no Courser , Barbary , nor Iennit ? ●imony ? No , but I see money in it . Well , if it were but so , the case is cleere ; The Benefice was cheape , the Horse was deare . 40 An addition to the same Epigram . PEter for Westminster , and Paul for London , Lament , for both your Churches wil be vndone , If Smithfield find a fetch forth of a stable ▪ Lawes to delude , and Lords of Councell table . The same in Latine by the Author . NEc populo infenso , nec ruptis legibus vllis , Lelus noster habet pingue sacerdotium , Vnde sed hoc venit , vaen it tibi personet eccho , Eccho , misodes , dicito an emit , emit . Ilia ducentem , fructumque : senilibus annis Illi patronus vendit auarus equum , Aurea pro vetulo dat bis centena caballo , Cui nec Turca pater , nec patria Italia est : Ergo sacerdotium Regina pecunia donat , Magno equitat precio , praedicat exiguo . Additio . Iam vos templorum properam sperare ruinam , Et tu Petre tui , tu quoque , Pa●le , ●ui Sordida fabrili si nata astutia campo , Legibus & sanctis patribus imposuit . 41 Of Cinna . FIue yeeres hath Cinna studied Genesis , And knowes not what in Principio is ; And greeu'd that he is graueld thus , he skips , Ore all the Bible , to th' Apocalips . 42 Of bagge and baggage . A Man appointed , vpon losse of life , With bag and baggage at a time assign'd . ●o part a towne ; his foule vnweildy wife , ●esired him that she might stay behind . ●ay , quoth the man , I le neuer be so kind , As venture life , for such an vgly hag That lookes both like a baggage and a bag . 43 Of a womans kindnes to her husband . ONe that had liued long by lewdest shifts , Brought to the Court that Corne from cockle sisis , ●archamber , that of Iustice is the mirror , ●as senten'st there , and for the greater terrour , ●diudged , first , to lye a yeere in fetters , ●hen burned in his forhead with two letters , ●nd to disparage him with more disgrace , ●o slit his nose , the figure of his face . The prisoners wife with no dishonest mind , To shew her selfe vnto her husband kind , Sued humbly to the Lords , and would not cease , Some part of this sharp rigour to release . He was a man ( she said ) had seru'd in warre , What mercy would a Souldiers face so marre ? Thus much said she : but grauely they replied , It was great mercy that he thus was tried : His crimes deserue he should haue lost his life , And hang in chaines . Alas , repli'd his wife , If you disgrace him thus , you quite vndoe him , Good my Lords hang him , pray be good vnto him . 44 Of Don Pedro. DOn Pedro neuer dines without red Deere ; If red Deere be his guests , grasse is his cheere . I , but I meane , he hath it in his dish , And so haue I oft what I doe not wish . 45 The Author to his wife . MAll , once in pleasant company by chance , I wisht that you for company would dance , Which you refus'd , and said , your yeeres require , Now , Matron-like , both manners and attire . Well Mall , if needs thou wilt be Matron-like , Then trust to this , I will a Matron like : ●et so to you my loue may neuer lessen , 〈◊〉 you for Church , house , bed , obserue this lesson . 〈◊〉 in the Church as solemne as a Saint , ●o deed , word , thought , your due deuotion taint . ●aile ( if you will ) your head , your soule reueale ●o him , that onely wounded soules can heale . 〈◊〉 in my house as busie as a Bee , ●auing a sting for euery one but mee , ●uzzing in euery corner , gathering hony . ●et nothing waste , that costs or yeeldeth mony . ●nd when thou seest my heart to mirth incline , 〈◊〉 tongue , wit , bloud , warme with good cheere and wine , Then of sweet sports let no occasion scape , But be as wanton , toying as an Ape . 46 Of Lelia . WHen louely Lelia was a tender girle , She hapt to be deflowred by an Earle ; ●las , poore wench , she was to be excused , ●●ch kindnesse oft is offered , seld refused . ●ut be not proud ; for she that is no Countesse , ●nd yet lies with a Count , must make account this , All Countesses in honour her surmount , They haue , she had , an honourable Count. 47 Of a drunken Smith . I Heard that SMVG the Smith , for ale and spice Sold all his tooles , and yet he kept his vice . 48 Of Soothsaying . MIght Kings shun future mischief by foretelling Thē amongst Soothsayers 't were excellēt dwe●ling But if there be no means such harmes repelling , The knowledge makes the sorrow more excelling . But this , deare Soueraigne , me comfort doth , That of these Sooth-sayers , very few say sooth . 49 A good request of a Lawyer . A Pleasant Lawyer standing at the barre , The Causes done , and day not passed farre , A Iudge to whom he had profest deuotion , Askt him in grace , if he would haue a motion : Yes Sir , quoth he , but short , and yet not small , That whereas now of Satieants is a call , I wish ( as most of my profession doe ) That there might be a call of Clyents too : For sure it brings vs Lawyers mickle cumber , Because of them we find so small a number . 50 Of Friendship . NEw friends are no friends ; how can that be true ? The oldest friends that are , were somtimes new . 51 Of Caius increase in his absence . WHile Caius doth remaine beyond the Seas , And followes there some great important suit , ●is Lands bare neither Oates , nor Beanes , nor Pease , ●ut yet his wife beares faire and full-growne fruit . What is the cause that brings his Lands sterility , ●nd his wiues fruitfulnes and great fertility ? His Lands want occupyers to manure them , But she hath store , & knows how to procure them . 52 Of a toothlesse Shrew . OLd Ellen had foure teeth as I remember , She cought out two of them the last December ; ●ut this shrewd cough in her raign'd so vnruly , ●e cought out tother two before t was Iuly . ●ow she may cough her heart out , for in sooth , ●he said shrewd cough hath left her ne're a tooth . But her curst tongue , wanting this common curbe , Doth more then erst the houshold all disturbe . 53 To Doctor Sharpe . LAte I tooke leaue of two right noble dames , And hasted to my wife as I protested : You will'd me stay awhile , and thus you iested : You Sir , may please your Wife with Epigrams . Well said , 't was Doctor-like , and sharply spoken , No friendship breakes , where iests so smooth are 〈◊〉 But now you haue new orders tane of late , Those orders , which ( as you expound Saint Paul ) Are equall honourable vnto all ; I meane of marriage the holy state , I hope , in Lent , when flesh growes out of date , You will , in stead of tother recreation , Be glad to please your wife with some Collation 54 Of the Papists Feasts , and the Brownists Fasts . A Papist dwelling to a Brownist neere , Their seruants met , and vanted of their chee● And first , the Papists man did make his bost , He had each festiuall both bak't and rost , And where ( said he ) your zealous sort allow , On Christmasse day it selfe to goe to plow , We feast , and play , and walke , and talk , and slumb●● Besides , our holy dayes are more in number : As namely , we doe keepe with great festiuity , Our Ladies , both assumption and natiuity ; S. Pauls conuersion , S. Iohns decollation , S. Laurence broyld , S. Swithens moyst translation , S. Peters chaines , and how with Angels vision He brake the prison , quite without misprision . ● grant , the tother said , you seeme more gainesome , But for your sport , you pay too deare a ransome . We like your Feasts , your Fastings bred our greeues , Your Lents , your Ember weekes , and holy Eeues . But this coniunction I should greatly praise , The Brownists fasts , with Papists holy daies . 55 Of Mile the glutton . MIlo with haste to cram his greedy gut , One of his thumbs vnto the bone had cut : Then straight it noysed was about by some , That he had lost his stomack with his thumb . To which one said , No worse hap fall vnto him : But if a poore man finde it , 't will vndoe him . 56 Of Fortune . FOrtune , men say , doth giue too much to many : But yet shee neuer gaue enough to any . 57 Of deuotion and promotion . I Met a Lawyer at the Court this Lent , And asking what great cause him thither sent , He said , that mou'd with Doctor Androes fame , To heare him preach , he onely thither came : But straight , I wisht him softly in his eare , To find some other sense , else some will sweare , Who to the Court come onely for deuotion , They in the Church pray onely for promotion . 58 Of a painted Lady . I Saw dame Leda's picture lately drawne , With haire about her eares , transparent Lawne , Her Iuory paps , and euery other part , So limd vnto the life by Painters Art , That I that had been long with her acquainted , Did think that both were quick , or both were painte● 59 Of Galla's gallantry . WHat is the cause our Galla is so gallant , Like ship in fairest wind , top and top gallant ▪ Hath she of late been courted by some Gallant ? No sure : How then ? Galla hath quaft a gallon . 60 In Cornutum . A Thais ? no , Diana thou didst wed : For she hath giuen to thee Acteons head . 61 Of Paulus , a Flatterer . NO man more seruile , no man more submisse , Then to our Soueraigne Lady Paulus is . He doth extoll her speech , admire her feature , He calls himselfe her vassall , and her creature . Thus while he dawbes his speech with flatteries plaster , And calls himselfe her ●laue , he growes our Master , Still getting what he list without controle , By singing this old song , re mi fa sol . 62 Of Lynus , an ill ghest . ASke you what profit Kew to me doth yeeld ? This , Lynus , there I shal see thee but seeld ; ●or where good ghests may take a cottage gratefull , There , such as thou do make a Palace hatefull . 63 Against Pius Quintus , that excommunicated Queene Elizabeth . ARe Kings your Foster-Fathers , Queens your nurses , Oh Roman Church ? Then why did Pius Quintus With Basan bulls ( not like one pius intus ) Lay on our sacred Prince vnhallowed curses ? It is not health of soules , but wealth of purses You seek , by such your hell-denouncing threats , Oppugning with your chaire , our Princes seats , Disturbing our sweet peace ; and that which worse is You suck out blood , and bite your Nurses teats . Learne , learne , to ask your milk , for if you snatch it , The nurse must send your babes pap with a hatchet 64 Of finding a Hare . A Gallant full of life , and voyd of care , Asked his friend if he would find a Hare ? He that for sleepe more then such sports did care , Said , Goe your waies , and leaue me here alone ; Let them find Hares that lost them , I lost none . 65 Of Merit , and Demerit . A Knight , and valiant seruitor of late , Playn'd to a Lord and Councellor of State , That Captaines in these dayes were not regarded , That onely Carpet Knights were well rewarded : For I , saith he , with all my hurts and maimes , Get not the recompence my merit claimes . Good Cousin ( said the Lord ) the fault is yours , Which you impute vnto the higher Powers , ●or where you should in Pater noster pray , Giue vnto vs our daily bread to day ; Your misdemeanors this petition needs , Our trespasses forgiue vs , and misdeeds . 66 Of Faustus , Esquire . FAustus , for taking of a wrong possession , Was by a Iustice bound vnto the Session : The Cryer the Recognizance doth call , ●austus , Esquire , come forth into the Hall. Out ( said the Iudge ) on all such foolish Cryers , Diuels are Carpenters , where such are Squires . 67 Of Peleus friendship . WHen Peleus is brought vp to London streets , By Proces first to answer waighty sutes , Oh then how kind he is to all he meets ! How friendly by their names he them salutes ! Then one shall haue a Colt of his best race , ●nother gets a warrant for a Buck : ●ome deeper brib'd , according as their place May serue his turne , to worke or wish good luck . But when his troubles all to end are brought By time , or friendly paines on his behalfe , Then straight ( as if he set vs all at nought ) His kindnes is not now so much by halfe . Sith then his suites in Law his friendship doubles , I for his friendships sake could wish him troubles 68 Of inclosing a Common . A Lord , that purpos'd for his more auaile , To compasse in a Common with a rayle , Was reckoning with his friend about the cost And charge of euery reule , and euery post : But he ( that wisht his greedy humour crost ) Said , Sir , prouide you posts , and without fayling , Your neighbors round about wil find you rayling ▪ 69 The Author to his wife , of too much stomack ▪ LAte hauing been a fishing at the Foord , And bringing home with me my dish of Trouts Your minde that while , did cast some causelesse doubts For while that meat was set vpon the boord , You sullen silent , fed your selfe with powts . I twice sent for you , but you sent me word , How that you had no stomack to your meat . Well I fear'd more , your stomack was too great . 70 A witty choice of a Country fellow . A Rich Lord had a poore Lout to his ghest , And hauing sumptuous fare , and costly drest , ●aru'd him a wing of a most dainty Bird ; ●ffirming seriously vpon his word , Those birds were sent him from his louing cosen , ●nd were well worthy twenty markes a dozen ▪ ●e that for such great dainties did not care , ●●id , I like well your Lordships courser fare : For I can eat your Beefe , Pig , Goose and Cony , But of such fare , giue me my share in mony . 71 To a great Magistrate , in Re and in Spe. THose that for Princes goods do take some paine ( Their goods to whō of right all paines we owe ) ●eeke some reward for seruice good to gaine , Which oft their gracious goodnesse doth bestow : I for my trauell , begge not a reward , I begge lesse by a sillable , a Ward . 72 A comparison of a Booke , with Cheese . OLd Haywood writes , & proues in some degrees , That one may wel compare a book with cheese ; 〈◊〉 euery market some buy cheese to feed on , At euery mart some men buy bookes to read on . All sorts eate cheese ; but how ? there is the question The poore for food , the rich for good disgestion . All sorts read bookes , but why ? will you discerne ? The foole to laugh , the wiser sort to learne . The sight , taste , sent of cheese to some is hateful , The sight , taste , sense of bookes to some's vngrateful No cheese there was , that euer pleas'd all feeders , No booke there is , that euer lik't all Readers . 73 A Scottish verse . ROb. Will. and Dauy , Keepe well thy Pater noster and Aue : And if thou wilt the better speed , Gang no further then thy Creed : Say well , and doe none ill , And keepe thy selfe in safety still . 74 To beggers of Bookes . MY friend , you presse me very hard , my bookes of me you craue ; I haue none , but in Pauls Church-yard , for mony you may haue . But why should I my coyne bestow such toyes as these to buy ? 〈◊〉 am not such a foole I trow : forsooth no more am I. 75 In Paulum Athaium . PRoud Paulus , led by Sadduces infection , Doth not beleeue the bodies resurrection , But holds them all in scorne and deepe derision , That talke of Saints or Angels apparision : And saith , they are but fables all , and fansies Of Lunaticks , or folkes possest with frensies . ● haue , saith he , trauell'd both neere and farre , By land , by sea , in time of peace and warre , ●et neuer met I spirit , or ghost , or Elfe , Drought ( as is the phrase ) worse then my selfe ▪ ●ell , Paulus , this I now beleeue indeed , That who in all , or part , denyes his Creed ; Went he to sea , land , hell , I would agree , A Fiend worse then himselfe , he could not see . 76 Of double Fraud . A Fellow false , and to all fraud inured , In high Starchamber court was found periured , And by iust sentence iudg'd to lose his eares : A doome right fit for him that falsly sweares . Now on the Pillory while he was preaching , The Gaolor busie for his eares was searching : But all in vaine , for there was not an eare , Onely the places hid with locks of haire . Thou knaue , said he , I will of thee complaine Vnto the Lords , for cousonage againe . Why so , said hee ? their order me doth binde To lose mine eares , not you mine eares to finde . 77 Of taking a Hare . VNto a Lawyer rich , a Client poore Came early in the morning to his doore , And dancing long attendance in the place , At last , he gat some counsell in his case ; For which the Lawyer look't to haue beene paid : But thus at last the poore man to him said , I cannot giue a fee , my state 's so bare : But will it please you , Sir , to take a Hare ? He that tooke all that came , with all his hart , Said that he would , and take it in good part . Then must you runne apace ( good Sir ) quoth he : For she this morning quite out-stripped me . He went his way , the Hare was neuer taken . Was not the Lawyer taken , or mistaken ? 78 The Author to his Wife . YOur maid Brunetta you with newes acquaints , How Leda , ( whom , her husband wanting issue , Brought erst to Bath , our pilgrimage of Saints ) Weares her gowne veluet , kirtle , cloth of tissue , A figur'd Sattin petticote Carnation , With sixe gold parchment laces all in fashion , Yet neuer was Dame Leda nobler borne , Nor dranke in Gossips cup by Sou'raigne sent , Nor euer was her Highnes woman sworne , Nor doth her husband much exceed in rent . Then Mall , be proud , that thou maist better weare them . And I more proud , thou better dost forbeare them . 79 Of too high commendation in a meane person . A Scholler once , to win his Mistresse loue , Compar'd her to three Goddesses aboue , And said she had ( to giue her due desarts ) Iuno's , Minerua's , and faire Venus parts . Iuno so proud , and curst was of her tongue , All men misliked her both old and yong . Pallas so soule , and grim was out of measure , That neither gods nor men in her tooke pleasure . Venus vnchaste , that she strong Mars entices , With yong Adonis , and with old Anchises . How thinke you , are these praises few or meane , Compared to a shrow , a slut , or queane ? 80 Of trusting a Captaine . AN Alderman , one of the better sort , And worthie member of our worthiest Citie ; Vnto whose Table diuers did resort , Himselfe of stomake good , of answeres witty , Was once requested by a Table friend , To lend an vnknowne Captaine forty pound . The which , because he might the rather lend , He said he should become in statute bound . And this ( quoth he ) you need not doubt to take , For he 's a man of late growne in good credit , And went about the world with Captaine Drake . Out ( quoth the Alderman ) that ere you sed it , For forty pounds ? no nor for forty pence . His single bond I count not worth a chip : I say to you ( take not hereat offence , ) He that hath three whole yeeres been in a ship , In famine , plagues , in stench , and storme , so rife , Cares not to lye in Ludgate all his life . 81 In Cornutum . WHat curld-pate youth is he that sitteth there So neere thy wife , and whispers in her eare , And takes her hand in his , and soft doth wring her , Sliding his ring still vp and downe her finger ? Sir , t is a Proctor , seene in both the Lawes , Retain'd by her , in some important cause ; Prompt and discreet both in his speech and action , And doth her busines with great satisfaction . And thinkest thou so ? a horne-plague on thy head : Art thou so like a foole , and wittoll led , To thinke he doth the businesse of thy wife ? He doth thy businesse , I dare lay my life . 82 A Tragicall Epigram . WHen doome of Peeres & Iudges fore-appointed , By racking lawes beyond all reach of reason , Had vnto death condemn'd a Queene anointed , And found , ( oh strange ! ) without allegeance , treason ; The Axe that should haue done that execution , Shunn'd to cut off a head that had beene crowned , Our hangman lost his wonted resolution , To quell a Queene of noblenesse so renowned . Ah , is remorse in hangmen and in steele , When Peeres and Iudges no remorse can feele ? Grant Lord , that in this noble I le , a Queene Without a head , may neuer more be seene . 83 Of reading Scriptures . THe sacred Scriptures treasure great affoords , To all of seuerall tongues , of sundry Realmes . For low and simple spirits shallow Foords , For high and learned Doctors deeper streames , In euery part so exquisitely made , An Elephant may swimme , a Lambe may wade . Not that all should with barbarous audacity , Read what they list , and how they list expound , But each one suting to his weake capacity : For many great Scriptureans may be found , That cite Saint Paul at euery bench and boord , And haue Gods word , but haue not God the word . 84 The Author to his wife : a rule for praying . MY deare , that in your closet for deuotion , To kindle in your brest some godly motion , You contemplate , and oft your eyes doe fixe On some Saints picture , or the Crucifixe ; T is not amisse , be it of stone or mettle , It serueth in thy mind good thoughts to settle ; Such images may serue thee as a booke , Whereon thou maist with godly reuerence looke , And thereby thy remembrance to acquaint , With life or death , or vertue of the Saint . Yet doe I not allow thou kneele before it , Nor would I in no wise you should adore it . For as such things well vs'd , are cleane and holy , So superstition soone may make it folly . All images are scorn'd and quite dis-honoured , If the Prototype be not solely honoured . I keepe thy picture in a golden shrine , And I esteeme it well , because 't is thine ; But let me vse thy picture ne're so kindly , 'T were little worth , if I vs'd thee vnkindly . Sith then , my deare , our heauenly Lord aboue Vouchsafeth vnto ours to like his loue : So let vs vse his picture , that therein , Against himselfe we doe commit no sinne ; Nor let vs scorne such pictures , nor deride them , Like fooles , whose zeale mistaught , cānot abide them . But pray , our hearts , by faith's eyes be made able To see , what mortall eyes see on a Table . A man would thinke , one did deserue a mocke , Should say , Oh heauenly Father , to a stocke ; Such a one were a stocke , I straight should gather , That would confesse a stocke to be her Father . 85 Poenitentia poenitenda : Of a penitent Fryer . BOund by his Church , and Trentin Catechisme , To vow a single life , a Cloystered Frier , Had got a swelling , call'd a Priapisme , Which seld is swag'd , but with a femall fire . The Leach ( as oftentimes Physicians vse ) To cure the corps , not caring for the soule , Prescribes a cordiall med'cine from the Stewes , Which lewd prescript , the Patient did condole : Yet strong in Faith , and being loth to dye , And knowing that extremes yeeld dispensation , He is resolu'd , and doth the med'cine trie : Which being done , he made such lamentation , That diuers thought he was fall'n in despaire , And therefore for his confirmation praid . But when that they had ended quite their prayer ; After long silence , thus to them he said : I waile not , that I thinke my fact so vicious ; Nor am I in despaire : no , neuer doubt it ; But feeling female flesh is so delicious , I waile , to thinke I liu'd so long without it . 86 Of a picture with a Ferriman rowing in a tempest , with two Ladies in his boate , whereof he loued one , but she disdained him , and the other loued him , but he not her : now a voice came to his eare , that to saue his boate from beeing cast away , hee must drowne one of the Ladies : in which perplexitie hee speaketh these passions . IN troublous seas of loue , my tender bote , By Fates decree , is still tost vp and downe , Ready to sinke , and may no longer flote , Except of these two Damsels one I drowne . I would saue both : but ah , that may not be : I loue the tone , the tother loueth me . Heere the vast waues are ready me to swallow . There danger is to strike vpon the shelfe . Doubtfull I swim betweene the deepe and shallow , To saue th'vngrate , and be vngrate my selfe . Thus seeme I by the eares to hold a wolfe , While faine I would eschue this gaping gulfe . But since loues actions , guided are by passion , And quenching doth augment her burning fuell , Adieu , thou Nimph , deseruing most compassion , To merit mercy , I must shew me cruell . Aske you me why ? oh question out of season ! Loue neuer leisure hath to render reason . 87 The old mans choice . LEt soueraigne Reason , sitting at the sterne , And farre remouing all eye-blinding passion , Censure the due desert with iudgement cleere , And say , The cruell merit no compassion . Liue then , kind Nimph , and ioy we two together : Farewell th' vnkind , and all vnkind goe with her . 88 In Philautum . YOur verses please your Reader oft , you vaunt it : If you your selfe doe reade them oft , I grant it . 89 To an old Batchelor . YOu praise all women : well , let you alone , Who speakes so well of all , thinks well of none . 90 Of two that were married and vndone . A Fond yong couple , making haste to marry , Without their parents will , or friends consent , After one month their marriage did repent , And su'd vnto the Bishops Ordinary , That this their act so vndiscreetly done , Might by his more discretion be vndone . Vpon which motion he awhile did pause : At length , he for their comforts to them said , It had beene better ( friends ) that you had staid : But now you are so hampered in the Lawes , That I this knot may not vntye ( my sonne ) Yet I will grant you both shall be vndone . 91 In commendation of a straw , written at the request of a great Lady , that ware a straw Hat at the Court. I Vowd to write of none but matters serious , And lawfull vowes to breake , a great offence ; But yet , faire Ladies hests are so imperious , That with all Vowes , all Lawes they can dispence : Then yeelding to that all-commanding Law , My Muse must tell some honour of a straw . Not of Iack Straw , with his rebellious crew , That set King , Realme , and Lawes at hab or nab , Whom Londons worthy Maior so brauely slew , With dudgeon daggers honorable stab , That his successors for that seruice loyall , Haue yet reward with blow of weapon royall . Nor will I praise that fruitlesse straw or stubble , Which built vpon most precious stones foundation : When fiery tryalls come , the builders trouble , Though some great builders build of such a fashion , To learned Androes , that much better can , I leaue that stubble , fire , and straw to scan . Now lift I with Philosophers to range , In searching out , ( though I admire the reason ) How simpathising properties most strange , Keepe contraries in straw , so long a season . Yee , snow , fruits , fish , moist things , & dry & warme , Are long preseru'd in straw , with little harme . But let all Poets my remembrance wipe , From out their bookes of Fame , for euer during , If I forget to praise our Oaten pipe , Such Musicke , to the Muses all procuring : That some learn'd eares preferr'd it haue before Both Orpharyon , Violl , Lute , Bandore . Now if we lift more curiously examine , To search in straw some profitable points , Bread hath beene made of straw in time of famine , In cutting off the tender knotted ioynts : But yet remaines one praise of straw to tell , Which all the other praise doth farre excell . That straw , which men , & beasts , & fowles haue scorned , Hath beene by curious Art , and hand industrious So wrought , that it hath shadowed , yea adorned A head and face of beauty and birth illustrious . Now praise I ? No , I enuy now thy blisse , Ambitious straw , that so high placed is . What Architect this worke so strangely matcht ? An yuory house , dores , rubies , windowes touch A gilded roofe , with straw all ouerthatcht . Where shall pearle bide , when place of straw is such ? Now could I wish , alas , I wish too much , I might be straw-drawne to that liuely Tuch. But herein we may learne a good example , That vertuous Industry their worth can raise , Whom slanderous tongs tread vnder foot & trample . This told my Muse ; and straight she went her waies : Which ( Lady ) if you seriously allow , It is no toy , nor haue I broke my vow . 92 In Romam . HAte , and debate , Rome through the world hath Yet Roma Amor is , if backward read . Then is 't not strange Rome hate should foster ? No : spread , For out of backward loue , all hate doth grow . FINIS . Notes, typically marginal, from the original text Notes for div A02647-e15210