The Quakers art of courtship, or, The Yea-and-nay academy of complements calculated for the meridian of the Bull-and-Mouth and may indifferently serve the brethren of the wind-mill order for noddification in any part of will-a-wisp land / by the author of Teagueland jests. Author of Teagueland jests. 1689 Approx. 226 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 85 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2007-01 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A56861 Wing Q14 ESTC R28162 10440485 ocm 10440485 45028 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A56861) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 45028) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 1388:31) The Quakers art of courtship, or, The Yea-and-nay academy of complements calculated for the meridian of the Bull-and-Mouth and may indifferently serve the brethren of the wind-mill order for noddification in any part of will-a-wisp land / by the author of Teagueland jests. Author of Teagueland jests. [13], 150 p. Printed and are to be sold by most booksellers, London : 1689. Reproduction of original in the British Library. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. Gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. 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Copies of the texts have been issued variously as SGML (TCP schema; ASCII text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable XML (TCP schema; characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless XML (TEI P5, characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or TEI g elements). Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng Society of Friends -- Anecdotes 2006-03 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2006-03 Aptara Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2006-04 Judith Siefring Sampled and proofread 2006-04 Judith Siefring Text and markup reviewed and edited 2006-09 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion THE QUAKERS Art of Courtship : OR , THE Yea-and-Nay Academy OF COMPLEMENTS . Calculated for the Meridian of the BVLL-and-MOVTH ; AND May indifferently serve the Brethren of the Wind-mill Order , for Noddification in any Part of Will-a-Wisp Land. By the Author of Teagueland Jests . — Qui Curii simulant , & Bacchanaliâ vivunt . Juv. LONDON Printed , and are to be Sold by most Booksellers , MDCLXXXIX . In Publick see the Zealot seems a Saint , Green Apron'd Sisters whine , & Brothers pan● But when retired , the Case is out of 〈◊〉 ▪ I see Courts in Cant , and Bully like new THE PREFACE TO THE Unprejudic'd READER , By Way of DIALOGUE , Between Gent. and Prefacer . IT is Obvious to every days Observavation , that to the well furnishing a House , pieces of Paint ( wherein the Pencil hath naturally described Anticks and Mimmicks ) are as much valued by the Curious , as some Originals of renowned Faces : The true proportion of the Figure , and lively deciphering ( as much as possible ) the very Air of every Motion , making Art do the Business of Nature ; whilst the Eye is entertained with the divertive Figure of a Scarramouch or Pantalloon , behind the door of a Parlour here in London , as if they beheld him Acting in an Opera at Paris . Books , therefore , that ( like Pieces of Paint ) represent unto us Things and Persons ( otherwise ) out of our Kenn , and too remote for our Observation , may claim the Privilege of using natural Colours , and designing Postures proper to the Figure they set before us : Or else how can the Description Answer the end for which it was designed , and give a true prospect of the proposed Object ? So the Artists , in describing Apollo , paint him with large Rays round his Head , and sometimes Circling the whole Body . Diana is known by the Crescent , on her Forehead ; a Fountain , Dogs , and Bow and Arrows : But if he that exposed the Story of Guzman , had clapped him on a Lawyers Gown ; or Don Quixot had been dress'd up in a Cloak or Cassock , it would so vastly have altered the Figure , that the Entertainment had been lost ; and the Buffoon could not so well have been discerned through the Formality of the Garb : Tho' it's impossible but a strict Judicious Eye might observe a Step , a Glance or Motion that might betray the Mechanism of the Puppet , and discover the Ass in the Lions Skin . Yet all the while , a thousand others ( who had seen no further than the Vizor ) might have been imposed upon by the Imposture , and take the Cobler for the Vicar . Enter Gent. Gent. But you will say ( perhaps ) if you were for exposing either the Fool or the Knave , why could you not ( too ) have gone into some Foreign Country for the Habits , and have made them speak French , Dutch or Spanish ? Did ever any Man , as yet , hang up the Pictures of his Family and Kindred in Fools Coats , or dress his Friends in the Equipage of Anticks ? Were there none for thee to let loose thy wild Satyr upon , but a harmless , meek , inoffensive sort of People , that would not Injure so much as a Fly , that came in their way ? Hadst thou none but such as these to worry and abuse at this barbarous rate ? I can assure you , that divers sober well-meaning People can by no means think well of it , at this time . Prefacer . Why , look ye Gentlemen ! give me but the allowance of a few words , and I will convince you , That it was not any Pique or Animosity against Friends in general that first gave Occasion to the writing hereof ; and that the matter herein contained , ought not in any wise to Affect a sober Man , of what Profession soever ; for it is not the Christian , but the Pagan that is exposed . Suppose I have a Friend whom I much esteem and value , and the Devil get on a Suit of his Apparel , may I not beat , thrash , and cudgel the Fiend to force him thence ? Nay , I take my self to be the more obliged to Bastinado him , for attempting the Garb of a Friend . So that you are not to imagine that it is the demure , close , or honest Yea-and-Nay-man that is here exposed ; but the Devil , or some Fiend as bad , that hath put on the Habit , Figure , and Mein of a Sanctimonian . If you should see a Bear run through the Street with your Brother's Coat on , would you not Baste and Cudgel the Beast , notwithstanding the Kindness you might have for his Coat ? Let me ask you that Question . Gent. Ay , and to very small purpose ; when 't is not the Beast that thou hast been beating of , but the Brother : Else when thou proclaimest to the World the vicious , debauch'd , and licentionu Actions of Friends ; why dost thou not say , It 's the Devil or the Bear in the shape of a Friend ? Or else thou maist well imagine the most of Men will be under a mistake , which it is thou meanest . Pref. I tell you once more , That the Devil doth not only put on the Habit and Ear-mark of Friends ; but , sometimes , their very Name too ; and yet for all , that shall be a mere Devil still ; however he be Dignified and Distinguished : So that for the time to come , whenever you see the Cloven-Foot , you may be assured it is the Fiend , whatsoever other Figure he appears in . Though it 's unquestionably true , That the Devil hath haunted , and doth still haunt the World in Forms much differing from that of Friends ; yet , ( since It is a Masquing Habit he hath often taken up and worn ) it is to be hoped the Taylors will not fall out about it . One of the greatest Difficulties will be to reconcile 〈◊〉 and Complement , and make a Suit of Clothes of the Yea-and-Nay Stamp , without Feather , Lace or Ribbons , sit well upon the Back of a Devil dancing to a Serenade , or plunging himself into a Debauch : And this ( in plain English ) is the highest part of the Devilism . But ( since there hath hardly been any other Habit or Profession but the Fiend hath Masqueraded in ) the wonder may abate , if we him clad in this , especially if we consider the closeness of the Disguise . Gent. Besides this , there is much fault found with the scurrilousness of the Stile , which in many places is so fulsome , that it quite overcomes a weak Stomach , and your Book is brought up immediately . If the design be allow'd to be tolerable , it is not to be imagined that a Stile so Luxuriant will pass amongst Men of Judgment and Temper , but that it will be hiss'd off as an insufferable Indecency . Pref. Sir ( between you and I ) if Books should be only Calculated for the Meridian of the Grave and Wise , the Stationer as well as the Author may go hang themselves ; what can any Man suppose must become of a Bookseller that deals in such a Commodity ? What is there that turns to Accompt , like Farce and Comedy ? You may keep a Philosophical Discourse by you all days of your Life ; when a trifling piece of Drolery shall bring in the Pence , and the Bookseller now and then call for his Bottle of Wine . Gent. But supposing all this , it argues great Levity in the Author , to make use of so much Smut , when the same end may be attained , and yet the Matter wrap'd in cleaner Linnen . Pref. But again , if you please to con●sider , That a red Colour is not to be dyed in a green Fat , nor a yellow Sign to be painted with blue Colours ; you will discern a sort of Necessity ( when you are to paint one that hath ●allen in the Channel ) to let the dirty Spots appear . Besides , if the prevalencies of Nature , Genius , and Education be considered , it will easily appear , That there are many extraordinary Things to Concurr in making a Man Master of a Stile : A Copia verborum , is what few can boast of : It 's a rare thing to find , even the Excellencies of Nature , clothed in such a pollish'd Elegance of Phrase , as in the Witty Scarron , or the Profound Quevedo ; and this is a Misfortune which will be always Irreparable , amongst People of my Size and Standard . I could heartily have wish'd the Language had been more refined ; but then , I am apt to believe , it would not have relished half so well with those for whose Pallates it was designed ; nor have answered the Ends of the Bookseller in publishing it , which I can very well assure you , was not to abuse Friends , but to get Money by the Bargain . I have further to add , That if some of the Passages seem to be too particular and reflective , I have taken all imaginable care to keep the Stones from any one Man's Windows ; and none can be touch'd or agrieved by it , unless it rub upon some old Sore : which ( in some Cases ) proves the means of a Cure. Nor is there any one passage purely Fictitious , but such as have been Collected out of the large Volume of Immoralities , wherewith the Lives of some called Friends ( as well as others ) have abounded . The Reader is further to be admonished , That it is no par● of the design of the ensuing Papers to encourage those Debauches therein Exposed ; but to Convince the Men of the World , That if Vice look ill and detestable in the Garb of a Friend , it cannot assume any Quality to recommend It by being drest up in any other Habit whatsoever . Farewell . An Enthusiastick PREFACE , By way of Greeting , unto Friends . Friends , THIS is to give you to Wit and Understand , That the Devil of Complement is come amongst some called Friends , and hath drawn them into wretched Snares and Inconveniencies : For , by reason of the Tufting of the Men of the Worlds Buttons with Silk , the price will so advance , that Friends may not think it convenient to Line their Rayment with Venetian or Tabbee for the future . And why may not Friends have as much right to the Toylings of the Creature , as those that are without ? Shall the poor little Worm Spin out her Bowels , only to make Sattin and Velvet , Flowered Silks , and Sarsnets for carnal Men , and their Women ? And shall not Friends put in for a share of the outward Enjoyments ? I tell thee Yea , as long as Friends have any thing of the outward or old Man l●ft , they have a right to be accommodated with outward Things , Yea marry have they . And therefore in Subordination , and consequential to what was said before , Friends will not be button'd out of the Linings of their upper Garments . For if the Devil of Complement be entered into certain People , by the World called Friends ; it may be very likely he may grow unruly and disorderly , unless he meet with as much Respect and Entertainment amongst Friends , as amongst the Wicked . Why may not Complement find as good Lodging under a Holland Shirt , or a Silk Wastcoat on the back of a Friend , as well as another Man ; especially since Friends outward Man is made of Flesh and Blood , as well as 〈◊〉 ? Well then it is allowable , that Friends 〈◊〉 ( not only common Silks , but ) the richest they can get , as one step to the entertaining of Complement ; and who knows but by Conversation he may be brought over to Friends , or Friends to him . Then if Complement be thirsty , it may be convenient for Friends to make him drink , not Water ( which they call Adam's Ale ) but Wine , generous Wine , edifying Wine , Friends Wine , that which shall make him drop his Hat off from his Pool by way of Complaisance . And again , Complement may be as well fed at the Table of a Friend , or ( if he thinks meet ) at a Tavern , or French Ordinary , with Ragousts , Oglio's and Soops , as at any other Mans Table whatsoever . We can allow him his Brace of Gueldings , or a Coach to rumble him to his Country-house , where he may Epicurize in that which the World calls Luxury from one First Day to another . And what should make this Devil of Complement to lead Friends astray into Snares and Inconveniences ? What should make him so Sullen and Ill-natur'd after all this Entertainment and Caressing ? Some are of Opinion , It 's only because Friends will not allow him to wear Point de Venice , a laced Hat and Feather , and have two or three Footmen at his breech with gawdy lac'd Liveries : Why ! and if this be the matter that is stuck at , Friends are resolved never to Condescend to it . Nay , they will rather be contented to be condemn'd to swallow Heathen Plum-broth and Minc'd Pye at the time called Christmas , to pull off their Hats in the Steeple-house , to wear Swords , lac'd Bands , and Pantaloons hung round with Ribbons , than ever comply with the Devil of Complement upon such Terms . By the following Discourse it will appear , That Friends have been no Strangers to the thing call'd Complement , as it relates to Courtesie , Entertainment or Conversation between Man and Man ; or ( as I may say ) between Man and Woman . And if it must be insisted upon ( after all this ) that because some called Friends have arrived to such great Attainments by means of somewhat that looks as it were Complement : I say , that therefore the Devil of Complement must be thus Equip'd at the Charge of Friends , we think it so unreasonable , as to enter our Protest against it . But if by reason of this Contest betwixt us and the Devil aforesaid , any of them ( by the World ) called Friends , have had their Light so far Extinguished , as to be led into Snares and Difficulties ; must presently a Printer take up the matter , and publish the Banes of Ma●rimony between us , to the World ? Commend me to our Brethren the Turks , who ( being of the same Enthusiastick Order , in some respect ) will not permit the Carnal Art of Printing in their Dominions ; so that the Inquisitive World cannot be so easily informed of Amities contracted upon the accoun of what they call Complement ; nor understand what progress the Freshmen of our Tribe have made in the Acquisition of modish and complemental Attainments . But hang it ! it relates not at all to any of Us , but only to those , who either had not the Light , or suffered it to be Extinguished ; and then they are none of Us. So Fare ye well . THE Yea-and-Nay ACADEMY OF COMPLEMENTS . CHAP. I. Of the Word and the Thing , by the World called Complement . The Sence of the Friends concerning it . HUMH ! Humh ! Humh ! Friends , It may not be amiss , when a Friend undertaketh to speak as touching a Thing , the Nicity of the Thing , the Subject of the Thing , the Nature of the Thing , the Matter of the Thing , the Consequence of the Thing ; how far the Thing may be according to the Light , and how far not according to the Light ▪ which is the main Thing in Question . The Thing that we are now upon , is , concerning the Word or the Thing called Complement or Courtship , which is all one in that which the Carnal call the Original . For though Friends do not think fit to set forth their own Original before the Wicked ones ; yet they do , and may think it lawful to declare their Thoughts , as concerning the rise and first derivation of the Words and Fashions used by the Wicked . Humh ! As for concerning and touching the word Complement , it is of a base , filthy , polluted , and carnal Original , it being found in the Language of the Beast , or the Roman Language , which few Friends are acquainted withal ; as thus , they teach the poor deluded Youth in their carnal Schools , Complement , Complementior , Complementissimus , which soundeth so filthily , as is enough to turn the Stomach especially of a She Friend ; for what can tissimus and issimus signifie , unless they have a prophane meaning ? So again , they derive it from Complementare , Complementiri , and Complete-mentiri , which the Carnal Ones themselves say signifies no other than a downright Lye ; so again , the Vain Ones say , I must pay a Complement to such a Lady ( as they call 'em ) or such a Person ; as if Lying were a Debt which they owed , and must pay to one another . So again , says one of them , I received a Complement from such a Lord or Gentleman , ( as they call one another ) which is as much as to say , I received a Lye , a Sham , an Vntruth , or the like . Whereas Friends make no use of such Words as look one way , and mean quite another , but leave them to the carnal Ones . For the Language of Friends is after this sort , I have heard from Thomas , or so ; or , I have received a Message from Abigal , which commonly carries ten to one more in it than their vain , puff-past Airy Words can pretend to . So they say in their Teachings , Second-Lye , Third-Lye , and Fourth-Lye ; wherein many times they speak much according to Truth ; but therefore Friends say , Again in the second place , If a Friend out of pure Simplicity and Tenderness should go to one of these young Whipper-snappers , and taking him by the Hand , and twinkling his Eyes , should speak unto him after this manner ; Friend , I have great Yearnings for thee , and wish I could prevail with thee to lay by thy overgrown Perriwig of Harlots Hair , thy carnal Sword , thy painted Habit , and become a Friend of the Light ; it is pity such a well-featur'd Youth , and one for whom Nature hath done so much , should cast himself away , by following the evil Manners of the Wicked : for if thou didst but know the sweet Enjoyments that are to be had amongst Friends , I dare say thou wouldst find them much safer , and more suitable to thy Inclinations , than this profuse and open way of Gallantry ( as thou callest it ) for I am greatly moved towards thee , and could wish thou wouldst leave that frothy carnal Way of the World called Complement , and become as one of us . What reply may we think would be returned to such a courteous , sweet and friendly Invitation ? Alas , alas ! let me see whether I can for once set my Mouth in such a Beastly Figure ; why look thee , thus it would come out , for I have seen it so . 'Slid what doth this Impudent , Quakering , Ca●ting Fellow mean by all this damn'd Harangue ? What doth he think to make the World in Love with Yea's and Nay's , with crop'd Ears , antick Grimmases , nonsensical Whinings , and ridiculous unbred Impudence ? Heark thee , Friend ! I would advise thee to remove thy nauceous Address to some 〈◊〉 place , for if thou doest again abuse my Ears with thy absurd Declamations , I shall go near to lay the weight of my Cane over your unsanctified Loggerhead ; you b●se uncourtly Coxcomb ! This , or much to like purpose would be the ungrateful return of one of these poor deluded Youths . Which brings me to the Third Thing , which was just-now hinted in the Word Vn-courtly ; for it is from this Fountain , that all the other Mischiefs do slow , as our Right trusty Friend James Naylor heretofore Witnessed ; and it may appear from considering the Word nakedly in it self , and figuratively as they call it ( that is to say ) clothed with such a Sence as they please to put upon it . The naked word Court hath been consider'd by Friends to have been applied unto many Things . There were two Courts in the Temple of Solomon , the Outer Court , and the Inner ; but the Houses of worldly Princes were ●ot then called Courts , but Houses or Palaces : But afterwards , when they had large places of Entrance walled in before them with Gates , for prophane Coaches and Chairs to enter , they were Y●leaped Courts . Our Friends have not said much upon this Subject , they having had little Business in such Places , unless it were to complain of Grievances ; and sometimes in friendly manner to Upbraid and Raile at their Governors , and to denounce certain Woes against such as have opposed what Friends call the Light ; and therefore I shall not meddle much with that Matter . There are likewise Courts in Westminster-Hall , where Friends have the benefit of Sueing and Impleading the Men of the World , that would Deceive and Defraud them of the things belonging to their outward Tabernacles ; and the Men of Law , that belong to those Places , will ( upon the appearance of Friends Angels ) say as much , and fill the Hall with as much noise on behalf of Friends , as on behalf of the Wicked . To this Court it is not only lawful but expedient for Friends to Travel , as I said , for securing the Advantages of their outward Man. And Friends are often observed to be great Followers of these Courts , drudging after the Green Bags , the Gowns and Coifs , and bringing as great a Harvest to the Men of the Robe , as other of their carnal Clients . It is easie for any that have the Light to observe from hence the Original of the word Courtly , as if I should say Court-Lye ; and though it be allowable upon the account of Friends , yet ought the Wicked by no means to take Advantage thereof . This word Courtly is in such great request among the carnal World , that some of their heathenish Poets have made a Play thereof ; and have insolently dubb'd it with the vain glorious Title of , Sir Courtly Nice : which is one of the most Paganish Inventions that ever blasted the Eyes of Friends . For as Friend holding forth at Bull-and-Mouth oftentimes extends his Voice , distends his Lungs , casts up his Eyes , distorts his Mouth , erects his Ears , and puts himself forth in such Postures as extorts Laughter from the unthinking part of the Auditory ; even so is this poor thing , Sir Courtly , exposed on a prophane Stage , until he become the very * Ridicule of the Spectators : which calls to mind a Scrap of the Beasts Language that I once learn'd at School , O Tempora ! O Mores ! But what shall I say now I come to speak of another Court , which is not far from Paul's Church ( as they call it . ) Court , Court , Court , where Friends have been long at School , and undergone divers sorts of Discipline ; I say , They have been Cou●ted long and often , but all to no purpose ; for Friends are Friends still , and so they will continue , notwithstanding all the means used to the contrary . And as heretofore Friends chose to wear Grey Clothing out of a dislike to Brown , because it bore the Name of a certain man of Abbington , that had stuck close upon the Skirts of Friends thereabouts : Even so will the Name of Court be ever distasteful to Friends upon account of the Place called the Commons , on the South-side of Paul's Church-Yard , before-mentioned . So much concerning the Original and Acceptation ( I mean among Friends ) of the Words Court and Complement , in such request among the Wicked . I shall next shew thee the way of Address that is allowable amongst such as the World calleth Quakers . CHAP. II. Of friendly Salutations used by the Yea-and-Nay People . HAving kick'd the carnal Complements of the Wicked out of Doors , it may not be amiss to acquaint thee with the manner of Greetings used amongst Friends , and the reason thereof ; and therefore I shall begin ( as is usual amongst the Brethren of the Wind-mill ) at the wrong end , and treat of the last thing first ; that is to say , the Reason why Friends may Greet one the other . In the first Place , Because Friends have the Light , and can by help thereof discern the difference between Person and Person , and betwixt one Thing and another ; Yea , I say unto thee , Friends are Light-headed , which makes them wear Hats of the largest Size , that may depress and keep them fast upon their Shoulders : Sometimes Friends have been so Light-headed ( especially after some Creature-refreshment ) that they have not been able to stand alone without the help of some fellow Creature ; as one prophanely Sings , A Candle of himself can't stand upright , The reason is , because his Head is light . Yea many times He-Friends have been so very Light above their Shoulders , that She-Friends have been compelled to graft on brow-Antlers , and Prongs of the largest size , to keep their Airy Craniums from being puffed off with every blast ; and this Commodity hath abounded so much amongst Bull-and-Mouth People of late , that it hath been thought , the price of Utensils at horn Fair hath been much abated on that Occasion . There is another sort of Lightness besides , to which She-Friends are much addicted , and that is when their Heels are Light Yea verily , and some of them are Light indeed . For it hath been observed , that when a Female Friend hath come into a Room with a Bed ( that is to say , whereon the outward Man useth to be stretched , especially if some powerful Friend hath been in the Chamber ) that then , I say , She-Friends Bowels have fallen a Yearning , and such a Lightness hath seized her Neither Parts , that streightways Female Friend hath been overcome by the weight of Affection . Thus the Light of the Brethren lies ( as thou maist see ) in their Heads , and that of the Sisters ( by * Antithesis ) in their Heels . Again , some She-Friends have been observed to be so Light of Members , that they have been blown down by a blast from the mouth of the Wicked , having not been able to resist that slender force . Now whether this may be imputed to the Lightness of the Sex , or to their Complaisance , is not much to the purpose ; for either way it may pass for an obliging Complement . But the Light that more particularly hath influenced Friends , is that which the Beasts Language calleth an Ignis fatuus , and some of their Modern Authors render , Will-with-a-Wisp , which leads Friends into many Inconveniencies , that some of them have been over Head and Ears in foul Pollutions , by running after it . It was this sort of Light that led Friend Green astray to Court the Mare at Colchester ; and divers others into Feasts of like Nature : And this Light Friends have been much observed to follow , by which they have found out new Complements , and forms of Address , in use amongst them ; whereof some particular Forms are here Inserted . Forms of Salutation used by Friends , which shew their great Improvement in Courtship . Here follow certain Titles which Friends have thought sit to bestow on them the World calls Great-men , or Grandees . When Friends are in a good Humour , and the Magistrate behaves himself to their liking , then Friends can sweeten them with an O King , Ruler , Magistrate , &c. And when very good Natur'd Charles , or Henry . But when Friends are out of Humour , then woe be to their Magistrates ; for then out comes Tyrants , Wolves , Evil Shepherds , &c. For the Clergy , Yea-and Nay Men pay them no respect at all , but have wholly left them out of the List of Courtship ; for the kindest Word a Clergy-man shall get of them , is , Priest or Parson : But more ordinarily they bestow on them the Titles of , Baal's Priests , Blind Guides , Idol Priests , Circingle Men , &c. Parish Churches are called , Steeple-Houses , Synagogues of Satan , and the like . Cathedral , or Collegiate Churches are called , in the Language of Friends , Mass Houses , Houses of Baal , Houses of Rimmon , Idol Temples , Play-houses , Piping-houses , and many other rhetorical Names , according as Friend stands affected ; for Friends have no small faculty in bestowing Names , though they refuse to be Godfathers . But to proceed ; when the Bishops come athwart us , they are sure to meet with High Priest , or Ananias , Caiphas , Bishop Bonners , Whores of Babylon , &c. Judges , Justices , and Magistrates , are Complemented according to the Dialect of Friends , with Pontius Pilates , Centurions , Task Masters , Gown and Coi●e-men . As for Scribes , Pharisees , Hypocrites , Friends bestow them promiscuously amongst all Sorts and Conditions of Men , that are not of their own make , and so for Foxes , Vipers , Serpents , Cockatri●es , Bears , Tygers , and the like : It hath been thought meet by the Naylorians to affix all the names of venomous , ravening and hurtful Creatures on the rest of Mankind , and to dress them up in the greatest Deformity imaginable ; whilst the sweet alluring Names of Lambs , Doves , Patridges , Pheasants , and the like , are only retained and bestowed on Friends , in token of their Usefulness and Excellency above the rest of the corrupted Mass of Mortals . By the same Figure , may Male Friends be called Codlings , Apricocks , Pound-pears , Parsnips or Carrets ; and Female Friends may be named Cherries , Strawberies , Musk-melons , Musk-plums or Open-arses ; all being delicious and wholesom Fruit ; whilst the Wicked are Thorns , Wild-goards , Thistles , Cankerberries , Darnel , Cockle , Tares , or any thing else that is useless and rejected amongst Men. Yea , I say unto thee , that are useless and rejected ; for only the Friends are the useful , the valuable Creatures amongst Men ; for if it were not for Friends how should so many thousand poor Families be kept on work for the Weaving and making of Ribbons , Laces , Flower'd Silks , Fans , Feathers , Vizors , Bulls , Beads , Nose Jewels , Farthingals , Pickadiles , and the like ; Jewellers , Tailors , Lace-men , Embroiderers , Sword-Cutlers , Armourers , Guilders , Picture-drawers , Fringe-makers , Dancing-masters , Singing-masters , Instrument-makers , Fencing-masters ; and in short , half the Town , and half the People therein might go hang themselves , did not Friends support their Trades , and lay out their Stocks for the Maintenance of their Families . So endeth the Second Chapter . CHAP. III. Certain Examples of friendly Greetings towards Great Men. ABOUT the Year 1667 , certain She-Friends took an occasion to pass a Complement on the then Pope Alexander the Seventh . They followed the Light , or the Will-with-a-Wisp that I told thee of , until they came to the City of Rome : In their Passage they travelled through the French Army , then on the Borders of Flanders ( though I cannot remember that they left any sign of their Light behind them ) but they pursued their Course through divers Regions and Principalities until they arrived at the Apostolical See ; there , after many days Seeking and Attendance ( having declared unto divers , that they had a particular Message to the Man called the Pope ) at length they were admitted into the Palace ; whereupon ( like true Friends ) they began to open , saluting his Holiness by the Names of the Man of Sin , Whore of Babylon , The Scarlet Whore sitting on a Beast with Seven Heads , with many other Apocalyptick Greetings , which the Holy Father thought very improperly applied to him ; at length the good Father demanded of them , What Profession they were of ? They told him that they were Friends of the Light , whom the Carnal abusiveely called Quakers ; and that they had come from far on purpose to pass those Complements , and to pour their Vials on the Seat of the Beast , with abundance more of their quaking Rhetorick , and figurative Nonsence . At length the good Man began to apprehend they might be troubled with some sort of Hypocondriack Distemper , much like that which haunts Oliver's Porter , and his Housemates , on the South-side of Moorefields ; whereof the Witty Hudibrass Sings : As Wind in th' Hypocondria pent , Is but a F — t , if downward sent ; But if it upward chance to fly , Turns to New Light and Prophesy . So they were compassionately delivered over to the care of divers able Physicians , who having prescribed them frequent Bleedings , and a mortifying Diet for a considerable time , our Females at last begun to feel an Inclination to return to their Native Country , whither they were dismiss'd , having left much of their Disease behind them , but bringing back much more Light than they carried out ; for they returned not only with light Heads , light Purses , light Bodies ; but not a little Light-hearted that they had escaped the Discipline of the Doctors . Where are there now amongst any other sort of People but we of the Yea-and-Nay Tribe , any whose Civility shall lead them through so many hazards and dangers of losing their Light to pass a Complement upon a Stranger ? Where are there , I say , amongst the Wicked and Carnal any that are buoy'd up to such a height of Courage , and seared with such a friendly hardness , to carry them through such an Adventure as this ? Nay , nay , it is not to be expected that their Lights should last them half the way , especially meeting with so many puffs and count●e-puffs as Friends met withal . But you must know that all this while Friends carried their Light in a dark Lanthorn , with the Box so close shut upon it , that none could possibly discern it ; and was not this a Politick as well as a Courtly trick of the She-Friends , Judge thee ? Another Relation touching the Courtship of Friends . In the Days of Oliver ( when preferment went by Merit , and Friends were made Just-Asses , and the Brethren of the Light enstrusted with the Staff of Authority ) when Friends of the Enthusiastick Order saw Plots in the Air by way of Vision ; and the Revelation of a Conspiracy was enough to Chop off the Heads of all the Loyal Party : About that time an Order was Issued out to Robert Tichbourne , called Lord Mayor , to double the Watches of the City , for that it was feared the Lyons would run away with the Tower of London on their backs ; Tichbourne sent out his Warrants to the Constables in pursuance of the said Order : Amongst the which one came to the hand of one of our Friends of the Wind-mill , who was then called Constable of Smithfield ; he was charged thereby to apprehend all Persons that passed in his Rounds betwixt the hours of Nine at Night , and Six in the Morning , unless they gave a very satisfactory Account of their Business . Accordingly Friend with his carnal Beadle and Watchmen took their Post at the time appointed , and about One in the Morning a Party of Oliver's Horse-guards ( who had Orders to have an Eye on that side ) came athwart Friend's Rounds . Whereupon Friend demanded of them what they were ? and they replied , they were of the Guard ; but it being the depth of the Night , Friends Light happened to fail him ( for Friends Light doth not always serve them in the Dark , though they can discern in the Dark as well as without Light ) so that Friend supposing they might be Enemies of the wicked Cavalier Party , put them into Custody , until the next morning the Captain of the Guards having notice of it , sent a Party for them , and complained thereof unto him they called the Supreme ; whereupon Oliver sent for Friend-Constable , and having demanded of him the reason why that affront was put upon his Guards ? Friend in most Courtly Phrase returned this or the like Answer . Since thou hast sent for me , O Oliver , upon this Occasion , I shall acquaint thee with the best of my Knowledge concerning it , according to the measure of Light that is within me . Therefore thou maist understand , O Oliver , that thy Servant Robert Tichbourne sent unto me , saying , Take unto thee a Band of Men , and get thee into one of the high Places of the City , namely Smithfield , and there keep thee diligent Watch and Ward from the hour of Nine in the Evening , until the Sixth hour the next Morning , seizing on such as give not account of themselves . And accordingly I took unto me a Band of Men , and went into the high Place of the City , namely Smithfield ; and behold about the Second Watch there appeared unto us as it were some of the Sons of Men Armed , and riding upon Horses ; and I said unto them , Who are ye ? and they answered and said , We are the Guard : And I answered and said unto them , Nay , bu● we are the Guard. Whereupon ( a dispute arising touching that matter ) I smote them Hip and Thigh , and laid them in Bands . Now if there be any fault in this matter , thou canst not take it to be in me who received the Order , but in Robert Tichbourne who sent it . After Friend had passed this Extraordinary Complement on his High and Mightiness , it took such Effect with the Ruler , that Friend was not only dismissed without Chastisement , but was told , He had done well in what he had done . By this we see the great Power that is in Friends Rhetorick , how it brings them off the Bilboes , and lays those Storms that gather in the Forehead of Authority , and not a Hair of Friends Head shall be in danger by the breaking thereof . O Complement ! Complement ! ( I mean only Friend's Complement ) thou art certainly descended in a direct Line from the Light , thou hast such noble and generous Effects in laying the Passions even of unruly Men. Another Complement by a Friend of the Order of the Grape , on a famous King of B. M. Though Friends of the Yea-and-Nay Tribe are much addicted to find fault and fall out with the Creature , yet it is found by Experience that some Creatures are of great Advantage of Friends , and amongst the rest Friends ought to speak well of the Creature called Wine , which is a beneficial Creature in many respects . It is said the heathen Poets have made many prophane and wicked Ballads in Praise of this Juice of the Vine , and have called it Nectar , and the Fountain of Helicon , and have Dedicated it to their Heathen God Bacchus ( as they call him ) a most debauch'd and loose Companion , whom themselves always paint with red a Nose , and fiery Face , a tun Belly , and Bunches of Grapes round his Head , with a great Goblet of Wine in his Hands , sitting a-stride a great Tun or Vessel ; all which are lewd Intimations of their beastly Inclinations : But Friends have found out greater Advantages by the Juice of the Grape , than these Heathen People could ever pretend to ; for Friends have not set themselves upon Tuns in that carnal naked manner , without Clothes on their Backs , but Friends have got Clothes to their Backs ; yea , I say , Clothes to their Backs , and City-houses , and Country-houses ( nay , some have had the vanity to be hurried about in t●●●r Coaches too , after the manner of the Wicked ) and all by virtue of this same Juice of the Vine , whilst the beastly Poets ( who have pretended to be Inspired by it ) have sung themselves out of all they had : And is not this a vast difference ? I say then , That they are only the Friends of the Light that know how to put a value on this so excellent and beneficial a Creature , having got the right knack of improving themselves thereby . I speak not this that thou shouldst think Friends know not the use of its Vertue in other respects ; for to deal plainly with thee , there are a sort of Wet-friends , who perhaps have been as sensible of the warm Effects of the Bottle , as the great hectoring noisey Pretenders : But what then ? Doth it follow that if a Brother have a little Eclipsed his Light by taking too much Liquor into his Vessel , and happen in that Condition to stumble over a Female Creature in the Dark , must he presently send a Note of it to Doctors Commons , and get all the carnal Wasps called Parritors about his Ears ? Nay , nay , Beloved ! Friends have more of the Serpent than so to expose themselves . But I had almost forgot I promised thee an Account of a passage between Friend B. and a certain King ; and it was thus ; Friend B. was a Vintner , and I need not tell thee his Dealing was in that sort of Juice I just now spoke of ; it happened that one day some of the King's Servants belonging to the Cellar , drinking at his house , so much approved of the Wine , that they agreed for several Vessels of it , and marked them up , having agreed to send for them the next Morning ; and taken with them some Bottles , whereof the King having had a Taste , so far liked the Wine , that he commanded it to be kept for his own use . But behold , when the Carts came in the Morning to carry off the Vessels , they were all Enchanted , not one of them could so much as be moved ; for Friend B. had laid an Imbargo on them , because the People that agreed for the Price of them , had not sent the Praemium which had been determined between them ; whereupon the King became acquainted that Friend B. had refused to send the Wine by the Carts , so that in fine the Vintner was sent for , who at his Entrance into the Presence , was accosted by one of the Ushers who endeavoured to take off his Hat , which the King perceiving ( who was a Prince of a very excellent Humour ) commanded to let his Hat alone ; whereupon Friend drew near , and making a complemental Nod ( which amongst Friends passes for a Bow ) the King demanded of him , Whether he were the Quaking Vintner , that had refused to trust him with the Wine his People had marked up ? To which Friend replied , He was one of those the World called Quakers , but that he had not refused to trust the King with the Wine ; for if he thought fit , he should have all the Wine Friend had ; But , continued he , to deal plainly with Thee , Thou hast a sort of People about Thee , that I do not care to have to do with . This Jest so pleased that gracious Prince , that Friend was ordered his Money , and presently the Enchantment was dissolved , and the Vessels had leave to depart out of Friends Custody . So that as I was saying to thee , Friends are Wise in their Generation , and know how to make more advantage of the Creature , than the pretended Grape-admirers can pretend to . CHAP. IV. Certain Instructions for such as would learn to Accost after the most refined Manner , in use among the Bull-and-Mouth People . FRiends may be observed to distinguish themselves into divers Sorts , and accordingly have several ways to Address , and Greetings used amongst them . There are a rough-hewen , stubborn , stiff-necked sort of Yea-and-Nay People , that are of a more morose , sullen , and reserved Temper : There are a sort of sinical , spruce , dapper , Periwig-friends , that are of a more refined Cut. And there are another kind of Wet-Quakers ( so called ) because they will Soak up abundance of the Creature , and lie dabling in a Tavern , or ● Friends House , for divers hours together , and never shrink a Hair for it . These are of a more Sociable , * Complaisant , and * Debonnaire Make than the rest of the Profession , and rather than fail will Associate themselves with the Publicans , and Men of the Times , to beget in them a good Opinion of the Genius and Humour of Friends ; that they may see that Friends are not so far removed from the Influences of Flesh and Blood , but that they can relish the Refreshments of the Creature , and take a share in the liberal use of her Bounties . As for the first Sort of these , as their Temper is more rugged , so is their way of Greeting more Blunt , Stiff and Inflexible ; for their Posture is ordinarily with their Arms folded upon their Breast , their Hats somewhat of a larger Size , less Hair on their Heads , and less Linen appearing in their Neckcloths than the rest ; a walk slow , starch'd and severe , and out of that Posture they will not put themselves upon the account of any Person whatsoever ; for as for carnal Men , they pass them by , either wholly neglected , or at best allow them but an Innuendo . Upon meeting an Acquaintance , they shall just stop in the same Posture , and stare ye full in the Face with , How dost thee , Edward , or William ? How fares it with thee ? How it is ? or so ; and then casting their Eyes down on the Ground , of a sudden walk off with a Humh , Fare thee well . The second Sort accosts thee after a much different manner , with an Air and Grace very obliging , having their Hats more Fashionable , their Cravats larger , their Apparel of a more gentile Cut , of very fine Cloath , and richer Lining ; with an inviting Bow , inclining pretty low , a gentle Elevation , and a courteous Grasp by the hand ; with , Friend Samuel , how is it with thee ? Sometimes ( if Gloves are off ) a soft touch in the Palm , and a pretty sort of grin , twinkling the Eyes ; Friend how dost thee do ? or the like , holding thee by the Hand in friendly manner ; and sweetly Leering in thy Face all the while , shall ask thee , Art thee free to take a Dish of Coffee , or a Walk upon Change , or the like ; where these mortified Self-deniers shall be surrounded with Brokers , Chapmen , Masters of Ships , Messages , &c , as if they had Engross'd all the Trade of the River : But if thou art not free to go , thou art dismiss'd with a Humh , I am very busie : Well , I should be glad to see thee some time , &c. This the base Censorious World may be apt to interpret Ostentation , or so ; but Friends well know the Advantage of this way of Courtship . But now it fares much otherwise if one or so of the prettier sort of She-friends happen to come athwart these second kind of Friends ; for then the pretty Simpers are made , the Face drest with friendly Smiles . Then it is fit that business should give way , that Friends outward Man may take some Creature refreshing : Then Humh , Alack , alack , Susan , I am glad to see thee ; why , when wast thee in Town before ? How is it with John , or Robert ? ( If she be a married Woman ) When dost thee expect him home ? or , How is it with thy Family ? &c. She-friend replies , Indeed I think it may be a pretty while since I saw thee , but I rejoice to see thee so well tho ; why , thee lookest very well ; I am in some doubt whether I may see John yet this month or two ; but when wilt thee call at Hors●y-down , or Lime-house ? Verily thee mayst come if thee didst think it convenient , if it may so stand with thy Business . Yea verily , Susanna , ( continues Male-friend ) I think it may very well stand with my Business at this time ; I warrant thee maist be thirsty with walking so far , therefore I would have thee accept of some Refreshment at Friend M's , I use to go there with a Friend sometimes ? Well then , quoth Female , since thee beest Free unto it , I shall be Free to go with thee for some time . Then ( because Friends cannot Epicurize ) the pint of Old-Hoc is called for , and the ●arrel of Oysters ; then up comes the Florence , Tuscane and Canary , the Sturgeon , Lobsters , Pigeons , Westphalia Bacon , cold Capon , Anchovies , Caveare or cold Salet , according to the Season ; and being very mellow , the Door is fastned , and Friends endeavour to wear off the Fumes of the Banquet ; and being known to be Friends of the Light , the Drawer disturbs them not until the Streets are pretty Dark , then the Coach is privately called to the Door , and Friends gentily slide in , and rumble home after the Ceremony of a private holding forth . Next I come once more to the Wet-Brother , who is an indifferent Sociable Animal , and of a more Complaisant way of Address ; for he commonly greets his Acquaintance not altogether unsuitable to their Quality , for he is heard to say to a Lord , Lord P. or Lord S. how is it with thee ? to a Military Officer , Collonel P. or , Captain W. thee art a Man of a good humour , and thee talkest very prettily , or so : I could be glad to drink a glass of Wine with thee sometimes , but thou art so given to swear in thy Discourse that Friends think it not well for me to be with thee . So after this pretty sort of Insinuating manner Wet-friend creeps into any sort of Company , and is as free of his Bottles and Collations as the Topmost of them all , Canting after his Yea-and-Nay manner , till the repeated Glasses of Wine so enflame his Light , that it may be seen to blaze at his Face and Eyes : Thus it is observable , that Wet-brother never balks nor ceases to force about the Glass , with a wilt not thee drink , Captain P. ? or the like , until , as was said , his outward Tabernacle seems to be all on fire . Then is Friend become the Buffoon of the Company , holding forth in the abundance of his own Sence , till he has talked and drunk himself into the Opinion of all in the Room ; then a Song is admitted to be seasonable , and Friends outward Man approves the Wit of it ; then out comes the unsanctified Humh ! It were pity such an ingenious Man should be so much given to Waggery ; but to deal plainly with thee , I never was against any thing that was smart and witty , though Friends themselves were Exposed in it . Hick-cough prevented Friend from enlarging upon that Point . This may suffice to give thee an Intimation of the Morals of Friends , when that which is called the outward Man prevails ; for that obstinate Case many times will carry the Light within into places of such obscurity , that there may be little or no Signs of the inward Refulgencies , as damps ; and ill Vapours are observed to stifle the Shinings of a tallow Tapour , which puts a Period to the Fourth Chapter . CHAP. V. A further Illustration of Friendly Correspondence by way of Letters . A Letter from a Friend that had buried his Wife , about a second Election . Friend , THou knowest that about the Eleventh Day of the Fifth Month my late Wife Margaret departed out of the State of Mortality , having done the part of Friend for Thirteen Years . She had in that time no less than Fourteen Children , which were named without Dipping , Crossing or Sprinkling ; the first came in Two Months after we came together , being the First Fruits , and Pledge of our friendly Acquaintance ; as for the rest she often told me , that some of them resembled thee , especially Isaac and Thomas , and I hope thee wilt be kind to me for their sakes . Since her outward Tabernacle was laid amongst the dust of Friends in the purchased place of Burial , I have had great hankerings and lustings after strange Women , and have sometimes suspected that somewhat of the Root of Wickedness hath remained in me . But ( as thee art a Friend ) I will be plain with thee , for I am apt to think thy Wife's Sister Elizabeth may be in Condition to cure these wild Inclinations . All the while I was at the Holding-forth in Lombard-street , she carried away my affections so far from what was said , that not a Word of that precious Friend could sink into my Memory ; yea , I must acknowledge to thee that my Desires went a wandring , and Margaret was as much out of my Thoughts as if I had never known her . Indeed Margaret hath told me , that thee wast a very good Natur'd Man , and didst very well understand the very Symptoms of friendly Inclinations ; therefore , it may be , thou knowest the better how to advise thy Friend in like Condition ; so that , if thou thinkest it convenient , I may take her home to me , to lie in my Bosom . Verily , Friend , this seems to be very agreeable to me , and I am apt to think thy Sister-in-Law Elizabeth may have some well-wishings to me ; for , to be plain with thee , she permitted me ( all the time of the Meeting ) to use a Familiarity with her . It is said , That the Heathen Philosopher , called Aristotle , recommended it as the fittest time for Males to Marry at Thirty Years of Age , and the Females at Fifteen ; and I am of the mind it may be very suitable ( if Friends may take a Heathens advice ) for ( though my Name was never entered on the Church-Book , as they call it ) yet , by computation I am about Four and thirty Years of Age , and ( as I have been told ) she may be about Sixteen ; which suites so exactly with the advice of that Philosopher ( who they say was a great Midwife . ) And I remember Margaret read much in a Book , said to be h●● that it might not be unsuitable if we did Join together for the Propagation of another Race of Friends : If this will not be hearkned unto , I am afraid I may some time or other requite thy kindness to my Margaret upon thy Abigail ; so that if it may be proper for thee to advise Elizabeth concerning this matter , I would not have it be long before thee send me an Answer ; for if I be not the sooner Accommodated , I shall go near to be in the State of the Wicked . Thus I have thought fit to set before thee the whole of my Condition , and to crave thy Assistance in this matter , especially I having by Industry obtained somewhat of the outward things of the World , and being sensible that Elizabeth will bring with her somewhat that may add to the fulness of the Creature , and to the Desires of Thine in the Light , J. N. An Answer of Friend unto the foregoing Letter . Friend John , THine of the Eleventh Day of this Fifth Month ( by the World called July ) came safe to my Hand , and as touching and concerning what thou writest about Elizabeth , it is very likely I may be free to act for thee according to thy desires . Thee writest of the need thy outward Man standeth of a Meet-helper ; it is very probable , that having been accustomed to use of a Yoke-Fellow , thee mayst have some Yearnings after Creature-Refreshment . If thee didst thy self reveal the matter to Elizabeth , and shew her how the Case standeth , it is very likely thee mayst find her Inclinable , it being now about the Age of Desires with her ; and I doubt not but she may prove a Help-meet for thee upon both accounts , being possess'd not only of Youth enough to set an Elder agog , but having besides a considerable Stock of what the World calls Fortune , besides what she expects from Pensylvania . I shall give her such a Character of thee , as shall not leave her insensible of thy Inclination and Ability , as to the Affair in Question ; and herein thou shalt not fail of the best performances of Thy Friend as to the Light , D. F. From the South-side of Moorefields this 19. day of the aforesaid fifth Month. A Dialogue between John and Elizabeth . Elizabeth . NAY , John , but thee mayst not think to take such freedom with me , unless thee and I had been better Acquainted ; for ( to deal plainly with thee ) thy Carriage is no less boisterous than that of the loose , carnal Ones amongst the Wicked : Didst thou ever see any one so tumbled and tossed , unless it were one of the Light-housewifes in their sinful Houses ? and dost thee think to serve me after that manner ? John. Yea , but Elizabeth , heark thee unto me , I say , were it one of the worldly Youths that should handle thee after this manner , thee mightest have some cause to complain ; I say , if one of the carnal Ones should press so upon thee ; but for me who am ( as thee knowest ) a Brother of the first Head , and have divers times held forth at Meetings of Friends : I say , this looks as if thee wert not acquainted with that Freedom which we of the Light may use within , and amongst one the other . Alack , if I should have come and made such a brisk Attempt upon thee in presence of the loose Ones of the World , then thee mightest have had some Reason to Complain ; but how is it possible that thee canst have any Fellow-feeling of my Condition , or I of thine , unless we come close to the Business , to know how things are . Eliz. There may be something in what thee sayst for ought I know , but I have not been much accustomed to things of this Nature , and I did expect thou shouldst have come in a more Courtly manner . John. What , then it is possible thee expectest I should come to thee after the Formal and Idolatrous Manner that the Phantastical Fellows of the Times come to them they call their Ladies and their Misses , which is much after the same manner that the Pagans do to their vile Abominations ; that is to say , Cringing and Scraping , and Bowing and Uncovering my Head , saying a Thousand such abominable Lyes and Vntruths , as , Madam , I am your most humble Servant ; Madam , I am glad of the Honour to kiss your Fair Hands , with abundance more of such frothy , ceremonial , useless , nonsensical , canting Balderdash , which signifies no more than a Tale of a Tub ; when even themselves ▪ and a●● the wiser sort of Men cannot but know , that to squeeze the Question in a few honest well-meant words to the purpose , and a good , round , warm Application to the Business in hand , hath been ever found to be more available , and successful ( as I said ) even amongst themselves . For after all their Congees and Trips , their Legs and their Lips , and the Complement they bring , which can Spell no Thing ; they must at last come close to the Matter , or all the Fat 's in the Fire , and their noisey blustering Complements vanish in Dust and Smoak . But what signifies all this Bustle and Clutter amongst Friends ? Eliz. Nay , I never was against that honest natural Freedom that allows every Creature to make use of their own Gifts and Talents with all the Freedom thee canst imagine ; but how I , or mine , came to be Entail'd to thee , I do not yet see , for I am apt to think there may be two words to a Bargain ; and that thee oughtest not to lay any Claim to me , without shewing any warrantable Pretence for it ; and before we go any farther , I am willing to be satisfied as to this matter . John. Yea , and that thou quickly mayst , for I would have thee to understand , that I am Sound from Top to Toe , and every way as well qualified as another Man. But if this be not sufficient , I am Free that thee shouldst have any further satisfaction that thee shalt desire . Eliz. Nay , John , if thee art of the mind that this be such an undeniable demonstration of thy right to use me as thee pleasest , I shall be free to declare to thee , that I would have thee to consider this looks in thee like Extravagant Motion , which ( when thou shalt come to consult the Light ) will appear otherwise than now thou dost imagine ; and what will the Wicked say when they shall understand after what manner thou hast been making out thy Title ? John. First I would not have thee trouble thy mind at what the Discourses of such may be , because it cannot in any ways affect us , because we are not of them ; and besides , all that they can say will imply no more than this , That they deny that Freedom to us , which themselves take when they think fit . For if only the Carnal Ones should take the Liberty to Encrease and Multiply , what must become of our Yea-and-Nay Tribe ? Must the Family of the Light be Extinct for want of Issue ? This indeed were the ready way that Paganism should again cover the Face of the Earth . But , Elizabeth , since I find that thou art come to the Age of Maturity , it may be needful for thee to receive thy measure of Creature-Comfort , rather from the Hands of a Friend , than an Alien , and from one of the Light rather than from the Men of the World. Eliz. As for what thee wert speaking touching Maturity , I can say little to it , because as thee knowest we are denied the use of Books , which are ( by Friends ) thought to be the Effects only of humane Learning , and by consequence very hurtful to the Light ; though ( to be free with thee ) I am of Opinion they may ( in some Cases ) be very useful ; for it happened that once a Book , called the Academy of Complements , came to my Hands , and really , John , thee canst hardly think after what manner it wrought with me , for the Readings filled me with such warm and sweet Motions , and such inward Inclinations , as I think very suitable to my Years . John. Yea , Elizabeth , and I would have thee consider , how very sweet the Com●●●ts of Matrimony must be , if those little Motions , that stir up an Inclination to Love , be so transporting . Eliz. Yea , John , I will be plain with thee , for I saw thy Letter to Daniel concerning me , and he did in friendly manner open the matter on thy behalf ; but I must needs say , neither one nor other drew forth my Inclinations towards thee , as the Enlargement thou hast made on the Account , which hath abundantly convinced me that it may be convenient for thee to hold forth in a State of Marriage ; for I have a good Opinion of thee , in respect of natural Endowments , and am free to tell thee , That it is not the Thing called Fortune shall separate us , for thou knowest I have enough of that to bid Friends welcome withal , and since thou seemest to be a Man of good Parts and of good Condition , I am willing to comply with thy Desires . John. Elizabeth , thou hast quite Captivated my outward Man , and hast quite melted down the Light within me . Eliz. Farewel , John , I shall be in pain untill I see thee again . John. Farewel , Elizabeth ; and whilst the Sons and Daughters of the Wicked are tied up by the Pagan Priests , for better , for worse , for term of Life , thou and I will be our own Priests according to the Primitive Invention of conjugal Cohabitation till death us do part . Eliz. Fare thee well . John. Farewel . CHAP. VI. Containing divers Letters from Friends upon several Occasions . A Letter from a Friend to an Attorney in London , to Arrest one that owed him Monies . Friend , I Herewithal send unto thee the Copy of an Accompt , as it was stated between J. W. of London , and my self , on the Seventh Month of the last Year , as thee mayst see by the Writing ; it is a part of my outward Portion which I cannot well want : And since the Jews ( our Predecessors ) are allowed to Implead and recover Debts due to them , I know not why Friends may not be free to secure their part of the Worldly Mammon . Therefore I would have thee to employ a carnal Officer called a Serjeant to seize upon his outward Tabernacle , and lay him in Custody until such time that the Monies be paid down , or some one or other ( known to be considerable in the Goods of this World ) put his Fist of Wickedness to a further Security , so that I may not be defrauded of my outward Subsistence . However , I would have thee use all convenient moderation towards the Creature , and for thy trouble herein thou shalt be satisfied by , Thine in the Light , W. R. Utopia , this 17th . of the 5th . Month , 81. Another Letter from Friend A. to the Parson of N. Wicked Priest , THou Hireling , thou Priest of Baal ; nay , thou Member of the Beast that sittest in thy Steeple-house , and there thou pretendest to be acted by the Infallible Spirit , which thou receivedst when thy Predecessors of the Order of the Mag-py laid their wicked , bloody , and unclean Hands upon thy filthy Noddle ; when alas , there is no Light , no not so much as the least glimmering of Light in thee ; for thou art compassed and covered with thick darkness , yea with Egyptian darkness , which leadeth thy People into that State which Spiritually is called Sodom and Egypt . Though thou takest upon thee to be their Pastor , thou rather appearest to be an Impostor ; for thou strippest , and starvest , and sellest thy Flock for filthy Lucre : If thou beest not a Jew , how darest thee demand and sue for the Tenths that were given under the Law to the Tribe of Levi ? Art thee a Priest of that Tribe ? And is thy Separation to thy Office such as theirs was ? How darest thou hold Friends in filthy Prison-houses , and starve their Families , under a pretence that the Tenth of their Labour is thy due , unless ( I say ) thou wert of the Seed of Abraham , and the Tribe of Levi ? Thinkest thou that Six or Seven Years studying the Language of the Beast , at one of the two Infamous Vniversities , and having thy Crown scratch'd in an Ember-week , gives thee a Title to the Care of the Souls in the Parish of N. ? I say unto thee Nay , nay , nay , for all the while thou art in the Gall of Bitterness , and Bond of Iniquity ; therefore I declare unto thee in the Power of the Light , and in Trembling , and great Assurance that a horrible Tempest will overtake thee , even such as will blow up the Foundations of thy False Church , and discover the rotten bottom thereof : For the Cries of Friends are mightily against thee , and will not fail to pull a horrible Vengeance upon thy Head. Therefore I advise thee to set at Liberty the Bodies of William , and Tobet , and Humphrey , whom thou hast most wickedly , and like a Member of the False Prophet , kept in Bonds for filthy Hire ; so that they may be at Liberty to act in their Callings for the Support of their Families : For thee mayst be well assured that ( if thou keep them there till Dooms-day ) Friends will not bow their Knee to thee , nor to thy Baal , whom thou after a most Idolatrous manner settest up . Nay , I say unto thee , thou wilt find Friends rather willing to bear their Testimony unto the Death , than to submit to thy Lewd and Idolatrous Impositions . This was upon my mind to Declare unto thee , to join my Testimony as a further Witness against thy carnal , persecuting Spirit ; and hereunto I have set my Hand , J. W. The 17th . day of the 2d . Month , by the World called April , and in the Year of Friends Captivity . A Letter from a Friend in Noddy-Land . Friend Thomas , I Have often had thoughts of giving thee an Account of our Arrival in this Place , of its Situation , Temper , and what we underwent ( as well in our Passage hither , as since our Arrival ; ) and when this comes to thy Hand , thou mayst see that I have taken the present Opportunity to dispatch unto thee by the Wind-mill Frigot , Patrick Maggot Master , being the same that brought us hither . And it seems not amiss if I begin to relate unto thee what happened to us in our Passage , which ( as thou knowest ) we began the 34th . Day of the Month of Fancies . When we came on Board at Gravesend , there was very little material happened unto us , until we passed the Downs , saving that divers Friends came to take their Leaves of us , not without promises , that ( when we had planted the Light in those far Parts , and Converted the Wolves and Natives of the Country to the Naylorian Faith ) they would come and seek out a Habitation amongst us ; and in the mean time would not fail to send over to us as many as they could of the Families of the Fickle-heads , Paper-sculls , Humourists and Stiff-necks , besides some of the Order of Thomas Muggleton , to Settle and Improve us in Bull-and-Mouth Faith. Having given us these assurances , they recommended us to the Protection of the Waves , leaving some vollies of Sighs to fill the Sails , and a great many Farewels and goggling Glances to accompany us in the Voyage . We took in divers Passengers as we passed down the Channel , some of which I shall name unto thee , because they may be of great use unto us in this place ; there was ( let me see ) Humh — Thomas Giddybrains , Arthur Holderforth , Geofery Crackwit , Marmaduke Featherpate , and Humphrey Shakenoddle ; besides some She-Friends that freely offered themselves with much chearfulness to accompany the Brethren into any Region whatsoever , for the sake of Propagating the Bull-and-Mouth Strain : Amongst them was Elizabeth Stickfast , Margery Tiplecan , with some others , who may be of great Refreshing when need shall require . But I shall now speak no more of that matter , but pursue my Design in acquainting thee with what we observed in our Voyage . The first memorable Place we came to was that which they call the Bay of Biscay , belonging to the Coast of Spain , and our Wind-mill was here put very hard to it , for the Winds were loud and contrary , the Waters rough and mountainous ; so that it was well that we of the Ships Crew were of such Light Principles and make , that we had no apprehensions of Sinking , or else we might have been in danger of having our Lights quenched in the Bay , by the Impetuosity of the Waters , as some Friends have had theirs Extinguished on that Shore , by the Violence of an Hurricane , they call the Inquisition . We continued two Nights and almost three Days in this boisterous Place , before we got off ; and then the Sea calm'd , and the Winds became gentle all of a sudden , which seemed as if we had left all our troubles behind on the Shores of Europe , and that we had now past the Storms of Adversity , and were going to enjoy Peace , Light and Tranquillity amongst the better natured Inhabitants of the Forests of Noddy-Land ; for though at our first Landing we might find them somewhat rough and barbarous , yet we had no reason to dispair , but the constant Temper of Friends , and the Resemblance and Proportion they maintained in their Understandings , with those of that New-found Country , would soon beget a mutual Amity amongst us , and reconcile them to so agreeable Conversation . We continued our Course through a vast unbounded Ocean , abounding with divers Sorts of strange Fishes , some whereof had Wings and flew above the Waters ; these we thought might resemble Friends , for that which occa●ioned these Fishes to fly , was to avoid the devouring Jaws of certain great Fishes that hunted after them upon the face of the Waters ; and then they would of a sudden spring up , and conveigh themselves in the Air to a far distant place , and by that means were preserved . We also saw divers of the great Fishes called Porpoises , who with great and indefatigable Eagerness were still in pursuit of their Prey ; and these seemed unto us to represent our Adversaries the Informers , Apparitors and Proctors , who often suck in whole Shoals of Friends ; stowing them in the nasty Maws of their Prison-houses ; unless ( like the flying Fishes ) Friends get on Wing to avoid their greedy Chase . One Night , in our Passage , Susanna dream'd , That the Whore of Babylon had put her self in the Disguise of a Friend , and was going over Incognito , to mix her Tares and Chaff amongst the precious Seed that Friends were about to Plant in this to be reformed Climate ; and that she had on Board many Bushels of such detestable Weeds , whereby she intended to choak the good Corn. We were very much troubled at this Vision of Susanna's , and could not think it to be any think short of a Revelation ; wherefore we were as diligent as possible to find out if any such person was amongst us , and began to enquire amongst our selves , where every ones place of Birth and Abode had been ? At last it seems there was one who had been bred in Italy , but upon further Examination of the Matter you could no more have imagined her to be the Whore of Babylon than the Cam of Tartary ; for it was not possible you could discern any difference betwixt her and the rest of the Sisters , nor was there any sign that she had ever used Patching or Painting , nor could we find so much as one Bull or Necklace amongst all her Cloaths ; besides , her Looks were so Innocent , her Demeanour so Humble , and her general Conversation so sweet and obliging , having such a particular kindness for Friends , that we concluded Susanna's Dream must needs mean somewhat else , that we could not conceive at that time , and therefore we e'en troubled our Heads no more about it . A Day or two after we met with a small Storm , which was very black and troublesom for sometime , but it continued not long , not above the space of four or five Hours . The Captain told us we were then about the Isle of Poines ; and that there were a sort of Evil Spirits that haunted those Parts , and always shewed some distaste or other when Friends passed by , perhaps fearing least at some time or other Friends may take occasion to Plant the Light amongst them ; which doubtless would be the ruine of their State. At length we arrived , after all difficulties , and came safe on the Shore of a Land , in all Respects , so like our selves , as if it had been cut out on purpose ; for nothing but an universal Confusion appeared , nothing was Regular , nothing in Order : There were no Exchanges for Pride and Vanity , no gilt Coaches , nor painted Women , no Steeple-houses nor Hireling-Priests , no wicked Vniversities for the Corrupting of Youth with humane Learning , no Inns of Court , to set one Neighbour against the other . And some are of Opinion , it will be safer for the Publick to have no Laws at all amongst us ; for whilst we come not to a determination of what shall be Law , every body hopes that his Opinion or Inclination may be gratified , but when once the thing is concluded upon , one side or other will certainly be disgusted : Therefore the more Prudent conclude this way of suspending any positive determination as to that matter , to be of more universal satisfaction , than it were possible to be were it once resolved upon . So that to me it seems much better not to be troubled with tedious Volumes of humane Laws ; which have always been such a burthen as neither Friends , nor our Brethren of the Dissention have been able to bear : And since there is no Transgression where there is no Law , it would look as if we made Laws on purpose to make Transgressor ; but every Friend may be a Law unto himself ; and then of consequence there will be no room for vexatious Sutes , carnal Officers , wicked Prosecutions , nor cruel Prison-houses . And as for Steeple-houses , we intend to Build none , and that will be an Infallible way to keep out unclean Church-men , for they will find little Comfort to Inhabit where they have no resting Place . And we are out of hopes of bringing over the Natives to us in some short time , by inviting them to a * Promiscuous Cohabitation with us ; so that the Issue ( at first ) will be Enlightned on one side , and in the next Generation , there need be no doubt but they may be Transparent all through . Our greatest fear is , least at some time or other the Whales might Conspire against us , and bring Doctors-Commons ( over Sea ) into this our illuminated Plantation ; but as long as London-bridge standeth in the old place , it will be a hard matter for them to do it , and we hope our Friends ( yet behind ) will take care to secure that Post : For if that Nest of Plagues should once come to be Transplanted into this our Region , it would soon render it Vnhabitable , not only to us of Bull-and-Mouth Order ; but even the Old Inhabitants , Bears , Wolves and Tygers , would find a troublesom Neighbourhood . For the Security of our Territories , I may ( without Vanity ) freely tell thee , that we think our selves Head-strong enough to Guard them without the help of carnal Swords and Guns ; and for Powder we have an utter aversion , because it is said to be the Invention of a Friar , and smells rank of Superstition . Thus I have as briefly as I could summ'd up unto thee what I have to say , and was upon my mind to write unto thee , concerning what I spoke of in the beginning of the Letter . I would advise thee not to let it come into the Hands of the Wicked . And so I rest Thine as touching the Light , B. K. From the Yea-and-Nay Plantation in the Province of Noddyland , this 7th . Day of the 9th . Month , and in the 1st . Year of Its Inhabitation . CHAP. VII . Some Questions and Answers by way of Discourse , between a Yea-and-Nay Friend , and a Man of the World. Man. O Friend John , how is 't ? How goes Trade at the Wind-mill Tavern ? What , thee still sellest Wine and Sin at 12 d. the Quart I warrant ? Friend . Heark thee , Cornet , it is like I have sold thee many a Bottle of Wine ( and I have some reason to remember it ) but for the Sin thee speakest of , I never contracted with thee for any Commodity of that Nature , but it is to be feared thee mayst have dealt with the evil One for that . I buy my Wines of Friend F — who , I am apt to believe , thee thinkest to be an honest Man , and would not sell me a drop of Sin in a Butt of Wine , if he were aware of it . Man. But , John , thee knowest Wine is a good Creature , or else , why dost thee deal in it ? And good Creatures do not put bad Things into Peoples Heads ; but I have sometimes drunk of Wine at thy House that hath put a Thousand ill Things into my Noddle , and am therefore apt to think there might be something of the Old Man mixed with it ; for I could seldom come out of thy Doors , but I must presently get into some Sinning-house or other , and what canst they say to that ? Friend . I say it is probable there might be somewhat too much of the Young Man in that ; for I can tell thee by Experience , that when I was about thy Years , it would have a much like Operation with me , so that sometimes in an Evening I have had extravagant Thoughts that way ; but since I am come to write Old Man , I find a great abatement of that ruffling Vigour , which if it were in the Wine , would still continue ; and therefore I am apt to think it is more in the Nature of the Man , than in the Wine . Man. John , I commend thee , thou art not like one of those Skew-mouth'd , Sowrefac'd , Ill-look'd Fellows , that shall stand groaning , and turning up their Eyes when they see a fair Lady ( though the Devil be not like them in a Corner ; ) but thou ( like a generous Man ) ownest thy Inclinations , and this Frankness of thine is a Thousand times better than all their Mimicking Cant. Friend . Yea , though I am free to say so much to thee , it might be much to my prejudice , if Friends should come to hear of it : For though ( as thee wert saying ) many of ' em are old Dog at it in a Corner , they shall be the first to throw a Stone at a frail Brother . Man. Well , John , I think after thee and I have so often been drunk together , there is no need thou shouldst doubt my Secresie : But 'prethee how does Jenny doe , that 's a pretty Rogue ? Friend . Nay , thee wilt hardly imagine how Scurvily that Baggage hath served me , almost enough to make me renounce Female Correspondence . Man. A good modest word for it I vow , but 'prethee , Friend John , how was it ? Friend . Why , after thee wentest to the Camp I took her into my House to Board , and used her with all the kindness thee canst imagine , but one of my Merchants Men happening to come to the House one Afternoon when I was from home ; he got her out of the Bar , and he got her up Stairs , and got her to Eat and Drink with him at a high rate , at length he got her quite from me ; and the Gipsie ( they say ) is gone to Fulham to take the Air ; thee mayst well think the rest : So that I am left without a Female to Credit my Bar , and to look after the Business of my House . Man. Ay , and without a Play-fellow : ' Troth I pity thee , poor Friend John. How dost thee manage thy self under these hard Circumstances ? and how does thy outward Man bear it under such a sad Disappointment ? Friend . Why I have been thinking to borrow my Cooper's Wife , Margaret ( and thee knowest she is a pretty Woman ) to stand in the Bar at times ; but her Husband is such a Jealous pated Fellow , that if thee or I should at any time have any business to call her up Stairs , the Fellow would presently run mad , and spoil all my Wine ; and yet I must be forced to take in a Female to carry on the Trade of my House , or else I were e'en as good pull down the Bush ; for the Town is come to that pass , that thee , and such as thee art , will not drink at a Tavern unless there be something of a handsom Woman in the Case . Man. Nay faith , Friend John , it is too true , I am clearly for a little Love in the Case , the Wine goes down the better for 't ; but some of these Bar-women ( though they look as demure as a She-friend at a Silent Meeting ) yet are detestably Common , and shall make as much work for a Surgeon , as half the ●ilts that ply in Fleetstreet ; and what is to be done in that Case , Friend John ? Friend . Why ( plainly ) I say , such things may happen in wicked Houses , where due care is not taken , and there the Gamester must stand all hazards ; but thee hast seldom ever found such neglect at my House , where none are admitted to that Freedom but a special Friend , or so ; and if any thing be amiss , the Female durst as well be Excommunicate as put such a trick upon a Customer that useth my House : That would go near to raise so much of the Old Man in me , as might break forth to the damage of her outward Tabernacle ; besides , being for ever discharged of the Trust of the House . But 'prethee , Cornet , come and see thy Friend some time , thee mayst be assured of good Wine , and a Souldiers Bottle . Man. And procure a kind She-friend to boot , Friend John ; it 's that I always insist upon : I say , canst thou not procure a good She-friend of thy own Green-apron Tribe ? I fancy such a Dish may do very well for change sometimes . Friend . Thee talkest after a reprobate sort of way , as if I were to turn Broker or Procurer , and have my House Branded with the Infamous Name of a Common-house ; nay , nay , I would not have thee press any thing upon me that looks that way : But it 's like I may perswade or prevail with a sober Friend to be kind to thee , or so ; but to turn Procurer , I abominate the loath'd name of such a one . Man. ' Troth , admirably will distinguish'd ( hadst thou not been a Yea-and-Nay Brother ) I should have said learnedly distinguished , and enlarged upon the Point : No , no , I 'll have no procuring , only prevail with a Friend , as thee wert saying . Faith , Friend John , I am very well Edi●ied , and ( twenty to one ) may call upon thee , touching the Premises . Friend . Fare thee well , I would have thee be mindful . Man. Never fear it , Friend John — [ Exit Laughing . Certain Verses made into Metre to signifie Friends Attainment in Poetry . WHen Heads of Friends at first were bent Like Wind-mills to turn round , That Motion soon begat Ferment , And streight a Light we Found ; A Light so dull , obscure and faint , No other could it see ; But Holders-forth did still maintain 't , And hey Boys , up got we . Vpon a Tub , or Stool advanc'd In midst of Learned Throng ; Till down their Cheeks fat Sweat hath danc'd ; And postern ferm'd among : And still the Light , the Light they squeak'd , 'Pray mind ●he Light within , Till all the Crowd with Heat have reak'd , And yet no Light was seen . But yet if carnal Learned Men Have taught their Scholars Right , No Heat can be without some Fire , And where there 's Fire there 's Light : That there was Fire and Light , Yea both Full plainly it appears , By Foam of Yea-and-Nay-Man's Mouth , And Glowing of his Ears . Thus having prov'd Friends have the Light , Next Thing I shall evince , Is , what the Brethren do see by 't , Beyond the Power of Sence . For such Discoveries they 've made By force of this same Optick , That , that which others make a Trade , Would make a Friend quite Crop-sick . And first this Light doth plainly shew What Steeple-houses are ; That they are Shops , to set to view , And vend proud Baal's Ware : That 't is Friends Interest to fly From Walls so much prophan'd , And make a Temple of a Sty , A Stable , or a Barn. That for a Friend to put off Hat Is great Abomination , That Ribbons are of Pagan date , And Lace a carnal Fashion ; And that Minc'd Pies are sinful Meat To Idols vain devoted , And Plum-broth , a sad Crime to Eat , As Learned Friends have Noted . They have found out the use of Rings , A heathenish Invention ; That Necklaces are Ominous Things , Not fit for Friends to Mention : That Learning is a Cheat they 've found , ' Cause it detecteth Error ; Therefore 't is fit to run't a ground , For 't is to Friends a Terror . That She-friend ( when at Bull-and-Mouth ) Appear in Green-Say Apron , And look demure and meek , forsooth , Without a Fringe or Tape on : Though when at Home in Richest Silks , And Hood set loose , she 'd Tempt ye , Flanting like one of the Town Jilts , And can as soon Content ye . That Friends Encrease and Multiply , By way of Propagation ; The better to stock and supply The next Wind-mill Plantation : And to maintain the Canting Race , From fear of an Expunction , Friend may Hold-forth , and may Embrace One of the Carnal Function . These great Advantages and more , Which here I have forgotten , Friends have arriv'd to , on the Score Of that same Light you wot on ▪ These by the World are deem'd to be Such Ear-marks of Distinction , That Friend is known as easily , As poor Knight knows his Pension . As other Puddings ( though full of Plumbs ) Of a Quaking-pudding come short all , Even so doth Friend , where e'er he comes Transcend each other Mortal : His prick'd-up-Ears ( like Almonds blanch'd ) Stuck thick as they can clutter , And words as Sweet as any Manchet , With Sugar , Sack and Butter . And as the May-pole in the Strand ( Though stripp'd of her Array ) Surpasses those which in Country stand With all their Garlands Gay ; For he is a taller , braver Plant , And hath stood out many a Shower ; So Friend ( though Flutterments he want ) Makes Fop his Top sails lower . Nor is it unto Friends alone Th' Advantage doth arise , For half the People in the Town Can see through our Disguise ; And all by help of that same Light I told thee of long since , That a Friend hath now no more benefit by 't , Than hath a Son of Ignorance . For plainly they the Cheat discern Through all our feigned Dresses , And pass their Flouts , with Scoff and Scorn , At our Midnight Carresses . That Friends are mark'd and pointed at By Porters , Dray-men , Bakers , Tinkers and Coblers , and what not ; There 's one of the Wet-Quakers . But why 't should be a Sight so rare To see a Friend has Paddled , I fansy 't is more common far Than to find Egg that 's Addled : Yet Egg is Egg , although it smell And be a little Noisom , So Friend is Friend , and will be still , Though he be somewhat Toisom . Besides , 't is but Friends Outward Man That hath been laid a Soaking , And when but little Fire hath been , There has been mighty Smoaking . So frequently by carnal Ones Friends have ( like Bulls ) been Baited , When all the while the Inner Man Is uncontaminated . Thus I have prov'd Friends have the Light , And their Advantage by it , And think I 'm so far in the Right , That thou canst not deny it . If that the Metre do not Chyme In Consort , for to please thee , Know , Friends are not much used to Rhyme , And there 's an end John Easie . There is no doubt but by this time thee mayst be satisfied , that much may be said to the advantage of Friends in Rhyme , as well as to the Commendation of other People ; and since the Heathen Poets have writ great Volumes in Praise of some Men that they have thought deserving , it may be a Task not unworthy the Attempt of some brave Pen , to oblige the World by some heroick Endeavours , singing aloud the Prowess and high Atchievements of Friends . CHAP. VIII . A further Illustration of Yea-and-Nay Morals , by way of Vision . THE subsequent Story hath been so strongly Imprinted on my Thoughts , whether purely by the force of Imagination , or some other Circumstances , that it hath obtained sometimes the Credit of a reality — However ( in this place ) it is like to pass for a Vision . It was in the charming Season of the Year ( when Nature was clothed in all her Fragrances , and the tender Blossoms of the cultivated Fields lent their Aromaticks to the wanton Air , which toss'd the Spicknard into the neighbouring Roads , which gave a powerful Invitation to be on Horse-back ) that a dear Friend of mine came to my Bed-side , acquainting me , That he had urgent Business that Term to London , and would be glad of my Company : For hang it , Jack , ( said he ) why shall we still confine our selves to the Solitudes of a Melancholy Retirement from the Conversation of Mankind ? I have a little Inclination to divert my self with observing the Modes and Tricks of the Town , and to spend some Guineas to see the Scenes of that great Theatre , the City . The Invitation was as agreable as could be , and I immediately complied ; but we were forced to take Coach to accompany a Lady that was related to my Friend . When we came to go into the Coach , there happened to be in the Company a pretty ancient Gentleman , who was of a singular pleasant Temper , and a very good Scholar ; besides , a brisk jocond sort of a Yea-and-Nay Man , who seemed to be about Thirty Years of Age , of an Air and Garb less starch'd than usual amongst People of his Profession . We spent the first day after the manner of Strangers , in a kind of reserved Observance of one anothers Humours and Inclinations , only the old Gentleman Entertained us with divers Relations of what he had observed in his Travels , which were very Pleasant , and received great advantage by his manner of delivering them . The second day we became more Sociable , and took a greater freedom to Discourse by turn , of several Matters Pleasant and Divertive upon the Road ; amongst the rest the Yea-and-Nay Man told us one that seemed somewhat reflective upon his own Profession ; which gave us occasion to think him not of the number of those streight-lac'd ones , who presume none to be honest but those of the Denomination ; but that he entertained ( at least ) a possibility that they might fall under the same Topick with other Men , and that they might make use of a knack in their way of dealing not inferiour to some that have been looked on as Sharpers , by the rest of the World. The Story was this : One day a certain Friend of ours went to Smithfield Market to dispose of a Horse he had , which had the misfortune to be blind , but so advantageously , that he must be a good Jockey that could discern it . Many look'd upon the Horse and bid Money for him , but came not up to the Price Friend intended to make of him : At length a Citizen liked him ( it may be the rather because he was in a Friends keeping ) and came so near the Price , that Friend thought it no part of Prudence not to put him off ; notwithstanding the Citizen ( having tryed the Paces , enquired into the Age , and liked the Height and Colour of the Horse ) at length demanded of Friend , What faults the Horse had ? Nay , ( says Friend ) I know of no Faults that he hath ( meaning he had but that one ) so the Citizen paid him down the Money , and having received the Horse into his Custody , said , Truly I see no Fault in him ; to which Friend replied , Neither doth he see any in thee : Which the Citizen ( not minding ) took in good part ; and Friend imagined a blind Horse to be suitable for one that was without Light. This Story satisfied the Company much the more coming from the mouth of one of the Fraternity , and put my Friend in mind of one he had heard of another kind , but of the same sort of People , which he related after this manner . It happened once on a time that a certain Judge sate upon the Bench at a Country Assize , who took the Freedom ( in the Afternoon ) to joak and droll upon Mens Names ; and there happened to be one Indicted for a Murther whose Name was Willman , but one of a very odd sort of Aspect , whether his Guilt might contribute to it , or no , it matters not . The Judge ( having heard the Indictment read ) speaks after this manner to the Prisoner at the Bar ; Sirrah , you are here Indicted for a Murther , and your Name is Willman , put away W and put to Sp and it is Spill-man , put away Sp and put to K , and it is Kill-man ; thou hast an Ill-name and an Ill-look , and wilt certainly be hanged . One that sate there as a Justice of the Peace ( who was a Brother of the Yea-and-Nay People ) apprehending this rhiming sort of Justice to be a singular new method , and that which would pass for current in all Cases , entered it down in his Pocket Book for a good Precedent , and resolved to steer by it . It happened that in a short time after a certain Fellow was Convicted before him for stealing of some Bacon , and after the Witness had upon Oath declared their knowledge : Oh , Oh , ( quoth the Yea-and-Nay Justice ) you are a dangerous Fellow indeed , your name is Willman . Sir ( replied the Fellow ) your Worship is mistaken , my name is Fowler : Sirrah , Sirrah ( quoth the Justice ) that is all one , how dare you interrupt Justice ? I say thy name is Willman , ( and I am sure I have a good Precedent for it ) ; put away W — But here the Justice was at a loss and could go no further ; so that taking out his Pocket Book , Look you , Sirrah , ( quoth the Justice ) here is your destiny , and I am sure it is good Law ; and then reads on , put away W and put to Sp , and it is Spill-man ; put away Sp and put to K , and it is Kill-man ; thou hast an Ill-name , and a very Ill-look , and wilt certainly be hang'd . Clerk , make him his Mittimus , and send him to Gaol to answer the next Assize , and then let the Judge tell him whether it be Law or no. This last Sentence was delivered with great Vehemence , because the Prisoner had Interrupted him in his Execution of Justice . The Yea-and-Nay Passenger Laughed as heartily as any of the rest , at the Ignorance of the Quaking Justice , and no debate at all arose about the truth , or probability of the Story ; for all agreed that things very Ridiculous and Absurd might be Imposed upon the Ignorant , which was all the use the Company made of it . In the Evening the Coach brought us to Coventry , where ( after we had very well Supped together ) our Friend Traveller was very importunate to take my Kinsman , and my self abroad to see the Town ; which we willingly consented to , being weary of two days sitting in a Box. After we had walked for some time , and observed what he had a mind to , Friend was free to ask us if we would not drink a Glass of Wine before we returned to our Quarters , adding , He was acquainted at a Tavern , where he could Command the best in that Town . We willingly accepted the Motion , and went to the M — where the Claret and Rhenish were very good , but that which pleased us most of all was another Friend of our Fellow Travellers , whom he had sent for to make up a mess ; drinking went round very briskly , and the Discourse was agreeable to it ; for Bacchus as soon warms a Yea-and-Nay Man , as any other sort of Flesh and Blood. The Old Man had taken such freedom amongst Friends , that the Young one began to be Rampant ; there was a Motion made by Friends to go to a House of Convenience , but we prevailed with them to put off that , because of the Season of the Night which was pretty late ; and doubting we might be Indisposed for the Mornings Travel , we had a hard tug to over-power the Importunity of Friends upon that account ; they giving us all imaginable assurances that nothing could be objected , either against the Youth and Beauty of the Ladies , ( for so in their Wine they called them ) nor the Accommodation of the House , which they affirmed to be very gentile , and such as could not be bettered upon the Road : Besides , Friend offered to be at all the Expences of the Treat , if we would accept of it . It cost the other half a dozen Bottles before the heat of this Inclination could be Extinguished ; at length it was resolved that drinking a Bumper to each Females Health should suffice at that time . So ( discharging the Reckoning ) we endeavoured to find the way Home to our Lodging , about Twelve at Night . The Old Gentleman , and the Lady I spoke of , were taking their repose some hours before . All the way home to our Lodging Friend gave us all the Assurances of a most passionate respect , and determined , when we came to London to give a demonstration of that Kindness he had conceived for us , to which we returned all the acknowledgements the Season would permit , and we thought proper on that occasion , but could by no means prevail to go to our Lodging until every Man had called for his Bottle in our Quarters ; so uneasie did Friend appear to be , that he must leave our Company that Night . We were fain to promise him to spend as much of our time with him as our Occasions would permit , when we came to London ; and we resolved to let no Opportunity slip that might give us the truest Prospect of Friend's Morals ; for that we began now to be convinced , somewhat of Flesh and Blood might Inhabit under that seemingly abstemious and mortified Outside , and that much of the Goat lay lurking under the Sheeps Skin ; so that now there wanted nothing but a fit Opportunity for our new Friend to give a thorough Prospect and Detection of his Morals ; and our seeming compliance with his Inclinations , gave him occasion to imagine that our desires were the same , and that we favoured those loose Passions with no less Indulgence than himself ; and that Bait which ( perhaps ) was intended to betray us into a discovery of our Resentments , gave him the greatest provocation to expose his own , or else it might be purely the violence of his Appetite that might hurry him upon those unwary Attempts , and that in the presence of Strangers ; at least he must be supposed to much to credit his own Opinion of our Complexions ; not regarding that no determination ought to be made of any Man's Inside by the appearance of his exterior Mien and Figure , whereof himself was a sufficient Instance . It is not to be forgot , that going to see the Cathedral of the Diocess , which was in that City ; Friend ( who was a great Despiser of Ceremonies ) kept on his Hat in detestation of the Idol Tombs and Monuments , and made many Sage and Declamatory Remarks upon those stinking Abominations ( as he thought fit to call them ) and entertained them with an Harangue on that Occasion , which I think not proper in this place to omit . Friends ( said he ) I would have ye to consider , that our Paganish Forefathers did little think of the ill Consequences they should bring upon their Posterity , by Erecting such Places of Worship ; they were of one Mind when they did it , and dream'd not of the Animosity and Contention that should arise amongst their unwary Successors , by reason of the Dissentions and Differences in Opinion that should afterwards be fomented and carried on by the Priests attending upon these Places . How many sorts of Opinions have been broached and vended from yonder pratling Box , which ye call a Pulpit , but it might very properly be called a Pull-pit , because , by the Doctrines taught in many of them , People are pulled , halled and dragged into the Pit ; not only the horrid black Pit in the other World , but into dark and dismal Pits and Holes even in this . Is it not from the Cushion-smiters of that place that Friends are Fulminated , Excommunicated , Condemn'd and Delivered over to the Devil of the other World to be kick'd and buffetted ; and to his Representatives the Prison Keepers of this habitable World , to be bumbasted , jailed , stripped , flayed , curried , worried and what not ? How many several Sorts of Sects or Insects have been brooded and swarmed through ●he Influence of the Tenets published and maintained in those Places ? Hardly hath there ●een any Opinion , Doctrine or Perswasion whatsoever , though never so black and detestable , but hath had its Pulpiteers to broach and justifie it . In some Ages they have thought fit to teach up one way , at other times another , as it pleased the Priest-craft of the upper most Party . Sometimes the Box must be filled with a Hood and Tippet , sometimes with a Geneva Cloak , and Cropp'd Ears , at other times a black Sattin Cap with a lac'd Lawn one turned up round it , a pair of Spanish Boots and Spurs , and a short Velvet Jerkin , have usurped the Place , as if Divinity were taking Horse , or the People to be Spurred up to Devotion ; sometimes a Lay Brother of John of Leyden's Order , hath mounted the Place in his Russet Formalities , a large , High-crown'd , Flap-ear'd Hat , a Sword at his Breech , when Armies have been in fashion , as if the Truth were to be propagated by dint of Steel , or Mathematick Garb ; sometimes it hath been the Fashion to Squeak and Whine , at other times to hector it in a haughty and thundering Tone ; then ( at times ) top Snuffle and Snauch through the Crany of the Nose , as if the Doctrine had a Spice of the French Mode . Never more Antick Postures , Mimick Tones , and Fantastick Gestures presented themselves on an Vnbaptized Stage at Bartholomew Fair : And all this ado to dress and set off their reprobated and absurd Nonsence , and recommend their Abominable Cant to the admiring Vulgar . The Bells in the Steeple never rung more Changes than have rattled from the Twa●ling-box in the Steeple-house . And all this great variety ( forsooth ) must be believed , and assented to for truth , as if that sublime , simple , and naked Excellence , wanted the Embellishment of so many Masquing Garbs , Forms , and Dresses . But when shall'ye ever meet with a Friend of the Light that holds forth in any of these Weather-cock Pulpits , and Trump and Sham upon the People such Gew-gaws for Doctrine ? or Edifie the People by thumping the Feathers about their Ears , or playing with the Tassel of the Cushion ? Nay ! nay ! I tell ye there is more Edification in a silent Meeting , than in such a sort of Formal way of Action . Then for the painted Glass in the Windows Can it be supposed that the People there represented ever went in such loose kind of colour'd Garments , some blue , some red , tawany , yellow , flower'd , or green , after such manner , as if their idle Taylors had put Stuff enough in one of their Vestments , to set up an ordinary Mercer ; and as if they were set there to intimate a Lawfulness for people to flant it in Extravagance of Apparel ? Nor must the Dead be without their Vanities , as if they could not sleep quiet in their Graves , unless they were loaded with vast Tombs , Statues , and Hatchments , enough to load a mighty Ship ; and the Expence of which were sufficient to buy a large Plantation , for Friends to retire unto from ●he rest of the World , and plant the Light amongst their encreasing Colonies . I thought he would never have done with his Enthusiastick Reflections ; but it fell out , that just in the Nick one of our Men came and gave us an account that Supper stay'd for us at our Inn ; to which we then returned , not a little satisfied that we were relieved from his unwelcome Remarks ; having not only declaimed against the Decencies used by the Living , but passed his invidious Remarks on the Monuments sacred to the Memories of the Dead . However , it was some satisfaction to us , to hear his Zeal vented in that sort against the Antick and unexcusable Fopperies of that kind of Pulpeteers , for which we could not but acknowledge he was not without some plausible cause to shew his Resentments : Those people having ( by their affected Tones and Postures ) too notoriously exposed their Profession to Exception of the more prudent sort of Men. We forgot not at Supper to give the Company an account of Friends Expostulations ; ( but in such manner as was not distastful to him ) which was very acceptable to them , and the Old Gentleman was much satisfied with the Railery that passed on that occasion , of which his part seemed to us the most sweet and diverting . We passed the rest of the Evening in a Game or two at Tables with the Old Gentleman , at which he was very excellent ; and this gave Friend a fresh occasion to exercise his Talent against that vain and idle sort of Exercise ▪ but he was so civil , or so prudent ( at least ) as not to give us any disturbance , but held forth amongst the Ladies , who were very witty , and encouraged him to speak his utmost upon that Subject ; which ( they assured us afterwards ) was as pleasant to them as a Farce . This gave Friend some inclination to think that he had crept a little into the Conversation of the Ladies ; and by their seeming assent to what Friend had alledged , he began to conclude with himself that they were bringing over to his Party , and that encouraged him to discourse to them of several other matters ; some whereof savoured of very great and particular kindness , which Friend had conceived , especially for the Lady who was of our Company ; she seemed not to apprehend any dislike at his Insinuations , which prompted him the more to pursue and improve that Interest which he supposed he had gained ; so that it may be supposed he went to bed not without having some hopes kindled of attaining somewhat that was never intended for him . After our Game was ended , the Lady informed her Cousin of all that had passed between Friend and her , and with what seeming Complyance she had raised in him a belief of arriving to what he might design . We could not but conclude this would afford us other matter to work upon ; and that by this means Friend might be prevailed with to give us a further prospect of his Morals when he came to London ; having resolved with our selves to use our utmost endeavours to understand after what manner he Conversed in the City , and whether all his designs were executed in the disguise and figure of a Yea-and-Nay-man . This succeeded to our wish ; for after having passed three days more upon the Road , ( wherein nothing material passed , but the encreasing a mutual Correspondence , and some Civilities and Treatments which Friend presented to the Lady ( for he took all occasions to fasten any thing that looked as a kindness particularly on her ) though he seemed very diffusive of his respects to all the Company ) we arrived at our Inn in Bishopsgate-street , and gave each other notice of our several Lodgings . CHAP. IX . A Continuation of the Vision : Divers Passages and Occurrences in relation to Friend in London . THE second Day after our Arrival in the City , Friend came to our Lodgings , which we had taken in Fleet-street● and passed upon us the Complement of th● first Visit ; enquiring of us ( but especial●● of the Lady ) how we found our selves after our Journey , and expressing great Congratulation for our Health and safe Arrived ; he permitted us to prevail with him to accept of a Dinner with us ; and gave us a solemn Invitation to requite that kindness , by Dining with him the next day . After Dinner he complyed to go to the Tavern with us , where we warmed him with some Bottles of Wine , which with much freedom he accepted of , recounting to us divers pleasant passages relating to himself ; at length ( taking a full Glass of Wine in his hand ) says he to the Gentleman who was related to the Lady : Friend Robert , It would be great peace to my Mind if I might be related unto thee according to the Flesh ; that is to say , if I might Marry thy Kinswoman ; I do assure thee , that difference as to our Opinions , should never occasion a difference in Affection ; and therefore if thee pleasest , thee may'st acquaint her that I have drank a Glass of Wine , minding her Welfare . At that word setting the Bumper to his Nose , he gave it so hearty a Toss , that he made every drop of the Wine invisible ; and cast back his Head so far to clear it , that his Hat dropt off before the Glass was taken from his Lips. Whoever hath heard the Story of Let him Live , need be at no loss to comprehend the Mystery of the Hat falling off : It being a way of Complement peculiar to Friends , when they mind the Welfare , or , as the World hath it , drink the Health of Men in Authority . We merrily asked of Friend , whether that dropping off of his Hat was not designedly permitted by him , to let us see that he did not much insist upon the Ceremony of the Hat , if it were agreeable to the Company ? Friend ingeniously acknowledged , that it was done designedly , on purpose to testifie his respect to Friend Robert's Kinswoman ; and that he could willingly , not only put off his Hat , but perform any other Ceremonies to witness his kindness to her . This extraordinary way of shewing his respect to the Lady , obliged us to make our Acknowledgments of his kindness in the most sweetening terms that could be ; he told us , that before we left the Town , he doubted not but to convince us , That there were some amongst the People of his Profession , that had as great an Esteem for that which is called Civility , as any sort of People whatsoever . We acknowledged , he had given us all the reason in the world to believe it ; and that whoever had the happiness to be acquainted with him , could not miss of an undeniable demonstration of it . We pledged the Health he had begun to the young Lady , and were about to begin his ; but he would , by no means , suffer it at that time ; but alledged , the satisfaction he received by our Excellent Company ( as he was pleased to term it ) contributed more to his Health , than all the Complements that could be made use of : We returned , That we thought he could not well condemn , or speak contemptfully of that whereof he was so great a Master . And ( having given him our repeated assurance of taking a Dinner with him the next day ) we Coach'd it home to our several Lodgings ; giving the Lady an account , with what Obliging Ceremony her Yea-and-Nay Servant had drank her Health ; and how full of sweetness and respect every thing was that he spake concerning her : We likewise told her , that she was , in all probability , to expect some brisk Attacque the next day , for that we foresaw Friend would not fail to Charge her with all the Artillery of a great Entertainment ; departing so far in his way of Converse , from that sullen , stubborn humour , that shews it self amongst Men of his Profession ; that in softness and complaisance of temper , he seemed to exceed the most refined Courtier , and Gallant of the Town . We again resolved not to omit any thing that might further our discoveries of the Man's Morals , and doubted not but every day would contribute more to our purpose ; and we doubted not but the next day we might go a considerable length in our design . We determined to play all one Game , ( that is ) of giving our selves up to his disposal for that day , the better to observe whereto his Inclinations would prompt him ; only the young Lady had a design to banter him with a trick , which she would by no means discover to us , till she came to put it in execution . But that I may be the more exact in my Relation , I think it proper in this place to let you know in what Figure Friend presented himself to his Mistress or She-Friend the first day , ( that is to say ) as it appeared unto us ; You must then understand , That Friend came in a Coach to the door , and having made enquiry , and understood that we were within , he entered the House , my Friend and self conducting of him into a Parlour ; He had on a sort of very fine Serge , of an indifferent , sad Colour , lined through with a rich Venetian Tabbee , as near the colour as possible ; his Cravat was made up of the true stamp , with a little puff before ; his Shirt shewed very little at the Hands , but enough to discover it to be very good Holland ; he had on his Head a modest , well-made , light , ●laxen Peruke ; and upon that a white Beaver , as ●ine as the Skill of the Artist could make it ; he had on a Cloak of extraordinary rich Chamlet , very well lined ; Gloves of Bucks-skin , well scented ; and the rest answerable ; his Person was somewhat above the middle stature , streight , and a little plump ; his Complexion was fresh , and his Countenance smiling , with an Aspect that spake Venus to have been his Ascendant . This was the form that Friends outward Man shewed it self in unto us the First day , which argued him to be a lover of his walking Tabernacle ; at his going away from the House he was very liberal to the young Ladies Maid , and forgot not the Cook. It remains now that I give you an Account of our Visionary Entertainment at Friend's Lodging , which ( no doubt ) by this time you are agog to hear ; why then it was after this manner . His Lodgings were at a considerable Tradesman's house in N — street , who ( though he was of the same Profession with Friend , yet ) had a very great Opinion of Friend's perswasion ) and disliked not so much of Friend's Disposition and Conversation , as Friend thought fit to discover to him . At this place Friend received us with demonstration of a very great respect , and had obtained the Gentleman's Lady of the House , and a Friend's Wife ( about Fanchurch street ) who was a pretty Woman , to bear our She - Friend Company . We were Conducted into a Parlour very well Wainscotted , and a good Marble Chimney-piece ; after some little time the Women came in and Complemented the strange Lady , with great Civility . You could discern no difference in the Habit of the Yea-and-Nay-Woman from the rest , only that she wore no Lace , nor Top-knot ; she had on Manteau and Petticoats of as rich Flower'd Silks as could be worn ; a white Gawfe Hood , set on somewhat loose upon her own flaxen Hair , and good Face , which needed no hidings , nor set-offs ; a black Hood tied somewhat loose upon that ; a very white Hand , and a cheerful Air ; which were very advantageous Indications , and of no small force to gain upon the Affections of those that Conversed with their Owner . I made no particular Observation of any other person in the Company , the rest being of that sort of people amongst whom I spent my daily Conversation , and for that cause nothing of Novelty appeared worthy remarking amongst them : Besides , it was our particular business to detect what we could of Friends way , and Inclinations , as it is the purport of this Book to set before Friends ( and others too ) a Glass , wherein they may discern their own Complexions . But this digression must not hinder me from going on with my account of our Entertainment at Friend's Lodgings : which now I re-assume ; A Barrel of Oysters , and some Bottles of Old Hock were set upon the Table , which soon set the Men on work , who began their Forcible Entries , Plundering the Fish out of their Rockie Enclosures , and Epicurizing on the Spoils : The Ladies were not forgot , but were presented by the Men with the greenest , and the fattest they could find ; Friend taking care to furnish his new Mistress with the choicest he could cull from amongst them . Scarce had we made our Conquests over the Colchesterians , but we were taken into a stately Dining-room very well gilded , and wanted nothing of Furniture that might speak it Noble . The Side-Tables groaned under their Load of massy Plate , and rich Glasses ; The Cisterns were heaped with Bottles of the choicest Wine ; and every thing that presented , spake the Oppulence of the House , and the generous Temper of the Master of the Feast . The Table was covered with Dishes of the principal Rarities that Season of the Year produced ; I am very loth to name them , lest it should raise in some an Appetite , or desire to be at a Yea-and-Nay Feast ; but this I assure you , my Lord Mayor's Cook never sent Dishes to his Table more Exquisitely Ragousted , garnished , or set off . You may be sure there wanted not a Quaking-Pudding , dress'd in all his Formalities of blanched Almonds , and steep'd in all the rich Sweets of the Indies : And as every Dish was dress'd to the best advantage , so the number no less discover'd the profuse Bounty of the Master , for there were three times more Dishes than Guests ; So that I could not for bear thinking of the City of Mindas , where the Gates were said to be bigger than the Town . In the mean time Friend was over Head and Ears in business , Carving to the Women , of every Dish , and loading his supposed Friend with so many Plates , as if she had been to eat for all the rest of the people at the Table : Nor was she more plied with Plates , than with the sweet Invitations of , Prithee eat if thee canst ; I would fain have thee to help thy self where thee best likest ; Prithee be as free as if thee wert at home ; for any thing that is here is freely thine ; with such abundance more of such sweetning Sawce , that the poor Lady's stomach was cloyed with the sight of such heaps of Delicates . It cost us at least two hours at Table before we were freed from the Attacks of fresh Dishes , and a Banquet , which concluded the Dinner . Very little passed at Table , only general Discourses ; but I must not omit that before all was taken away , Friend , whisper'd me , that it would be improper to drink any Healths at that Table , for he would not for any Consideration the Master of the House should ever understand that he had complyed with any thing of that kind . This throughly convinced me that Friend seemed to be one thing to one sort of people , and another to others ; and that there must be something of the Hypocrite lurk under that reservation . Yet notwithstanding that Healthing was prohibited , there was a great deal of Wine consumed at Dinner ; for the Glasses ( and those not of the smallest size ) were always kept in motion with , Thee hast not tasted of such or such a sort of Wine yet ; why dost thee not call for that sort thee likest best ? I would have thee drink as freely as if thee wert at home . And still when these Greetings came about , you were sure to have a Bumper put into your hand ; that by that time we came to rise from the Table , some of us had got red-coated Faces , and looked as if we had been at a meeting of Gossips at a hot Sooping . To carry off the Fumes of which , Friend takes us into his Lodging-room , and their treats us with a Bottle of Vsquebaugh to help the digestive faculty . He there shew'd us divers pretty Rarities which he had in a little Cabinet , and offered to present our She-Friend with a Gold Snuffbox , which she would by no means accept of , alledging the Entertainment she had received there had been such as she had no reason to take snuff at , which Friend admitted for an Excuse ; however Friend was seized with something of a Qualm , which made him turn up the Whites of his Eyes , and make a stronger Impression upon She-friends Hand , which he grasp'd with a more than ordinary vehemence , and was about to whisper somewhat to her by the side of the Bed ; but had no more power to speak , than if he had been at a silent Meeting . — Virtue forsooth , And Modesty so stop't his Mouth . At length a little recollecting himself , he began to apprehend , that this sort of Trance might have betray'd something more than was fitting at that time ; whereupon he endeavour'd to excuse himself , That some sudden Vapour had surprized his Spirits , and that he was subject sometimes to Hypocondriack Fits : This pass'd well enough with some that knew nothing of the cause ; but the truth is , he wish't all but one out of the room . The young Lady feigned a great sorrow for him , but hoped the indisposition would not be of continuance , but that he would be in condition to receive her Thanks for that days generous Entertainment ; Friend was under some difficulty to make returns suitable to the Complements put upon him ; but ( whispering the Lady ) he told her , That he must owe the Cure of the distemper he lay under to her Goodness , as it had been caused by her Beauty . The Lady knew not how to acquit her self of this , without a Blush ; but returned , She was not Conscious of any disease which she had , that might spread its Malignity , and be the occasion of a distemper on any one , but for the Cause he had assigned : She desired not to be numbered amongst those that were called the Killing Beauties ; and that she fansied those were rhetorical Flourishes that he had gathered out of a Book call'd the Academy of Complements , where it was usual to bring in the Men bleeding , fainting , or dying , under the Wounds their Cruel Mistresses had given them ; as if our tender , simple Sex ( said she ) carried Darts in our Eyes , or some secret Venom about us that kill'd and destroy'd people at a distance . For my share , I cannot apprehend the meaning of such Imputations ; and ( unless you inform me ) shall be at a loss to understand the intent of them . This Railery put Friend out of heart to pursue his design that way ; but ( fetching a deep sigh ) said to her , I may take some convenient time to satisfie thee as to that matter ; and so the Discourse and Entertainment ended at that time , my Friends Kinswoman having been disappointed of the designed Trick she had merrily intended to put upon him . We took our leaves , but Friend would by no means part with us until he had obtained a promise of my Kinsman and self to meet him at Eight that night at an appointed Tavern ; so having fixed upon the Number , we parted very well satisfied that our next Meeting would give us some clearer Detection of Friend's Temper and Designs . The hour being come , we repaired to the Tavern , where we found the Number at the Bar , and were Conducted into the Room where Friend was just come before us ; having in his Company two persons that seemed to be Gentlemen , one of them about Twenty years of Age , the other seemed somewhat less ; they were both in Garbs very gentiel , and handsome ; and it happened we were not much out in our Calculation concerning them , for one of them was of one of the Inns of Court , the other Lodged about Pall-mall , and much inclined to the practice of Musick , in which he had acquired a considerable Excellence . Friend made somewhat of an Excuse for having taken Strangers into his Company , having before made us an Assignation ; but withal told us , they were Gentlemen of his acquaintance , whom he met just in the Street as he was coming into the Tavern . We gave him the assurance , That any that had the Honour to be of his Acquaintance could not fail of being very welcome to us , and that we ought to acknowledge it as an Additional favour , that he did us the kindness to admit us into the acquaintance of his Friends . We then took half a dozen Glasses round , and Friend could not forbear putting the Younger of the two Gentlemen upon a Song , particularly one above the rest , which Friend said he much admired , for one of the wittiest Pieces of Poetry which he had ever heard . The young Gentleman , in complyance with Friend's desire , sung the ensuing Song , which I think may be found in A. Brome's Poems . SONG . TVsh ! never tell me I 'm too young For loving , or too green , She stays at least sev'n Years too long That 's wedded at Fourteen ; Age , and Discretion fit Grave Matrons , whose Desires and Youths are past , Love needs not , nor has Wit : They in whose Youthful Breasts dwells nought but Frost , Can only mourn the Days , and Joys they 've lost . Lambs bring forth Lambs , and Doves bring Doves , As soon as they 're begotten ; Then why should Ladies linger Loves , As if not ripe , till Rotten : 'T is envious Age perswades This tedious Heresie for Men to Wooe , Stale Nymphs , and Vest al Maids , Whilst they in Modesty must answer , No ; Late Love , like late Repentance , seldom 's true . Gray hairs are fitter for the Grave , Than for the Bridal Bed ; What pleasure can a Lover have In a Wither'd Maidenhead ? Dry Bones , and rotten Limbs , Turn Hymen's Temple to a Hospital , Age all our Beauty dimns : Tho' Lands may not till One and twenty fall , The Law to Love prescribes no time at all . Nature 's Exalted in our time , And what our Grandams then A● four and twenty scarce could climb , We can arrive at Ten. Youth of it self doth bring us Provocatives within , and we do scorn Love-Powders , and Eringoes ; Cupid himself 's a Child , and 't will be sworn ; Lovers , like Poets , are not made , but born . The Song ended , Friend ask'd our Opinions of it ; we could not but acknowledge the Words to be very witty , and that the Gentleman had expressed very much Art in Singing it ; but withal , we could not but conclude within our selves , that Friend was certainly in his Amorous Moods and Tenses ; and that the time was come that he could no longer suppress his Inclinations ; but it was pleasant to observe in what sort of Forth they discovered themselves , for 't was not one Song , nor ten , that satisfied the Importunity of Friend's desires , though the young Gentleman easily complyed with whatsoever he asked in that kind , and not one of the Songs but was well Liquor'd , or else some of them were gross enough to have risen upon the stomach of a Bawd. But the fatter they were , the better they slipt down ; till at length Friend was for putting round , not only a Glass , but a Kiss in memory of his Coy Friend ( as he called her ) so that Love was now become so blind , it could hardly distinguish Sexes . By this it appeared to us , that Friend had much of the Neopolitan in his Veins : And that as it is said of Diogenes , that another Philosopher saw his Pride look through the Raggs of his Garment ; So might it be said of Friend's Levity , that it shewed it self through the formal Cover , and disguise of his grave and self-denying Habit. Nor may it be improper in this place to recollect a little how in Clusters the Vanity of weak and unmortified Tempers shew themselves ; for Friend was not content to expose the folly of his Inclinations on the one hand , but he must be discovering the pride of his Mind on the other hand , being not able to contain the Ostentation of that splendid Treat , which but that day he had entertain'd us withal ; but must divulge to the two young Gentlemen the Extravagance of his Banquet , until they seemed to be Teazed with his unwelcome Repetitions . So much doth an ostentatious Affectation , and an uncurbed Passion divest a Man of that Esteem , which a reserved and tenacious Temper still maintains . Now was Friend wholly for making a Night on 't , and giving the Body-natural a little relaxation ; we were for complying with the humour , and the two young Gentlemen discovered no Inclination to refuse joining in the design . More Wine was called for , a piece of Sturgeon , and some Anchovies , which delicately helped on the Ferment : So about one of the Clock in the Morning a Coach took us up at the door , and ( we being all at Friend's disposal ) rumbled through the Watches , until we alighted not far from K — bridge , where we were received into a very fine House , the Rooms modishly furnished , and shining with many Lights , every thing appeared very gay , and Friend told us the Gentlewoman ( for now he was able to speak that Language ) was a remote Kinswoman of his , That she was a brisk Woman , and had several pretty Neices , that would be very good Company for us . The Bottle of Orange-water was produced , and the Servants were as busie as if it had been Noon-day ; two Spits of Fowl were set to the Fire , and ( after sometime ) there dropt into the Room five young Damosels , which passed for the Cousins ; they were all very formally saluted , and took their places with us round the Table , divers Songs kept us awake until Supper , or rather Breakfast , was brought in ( for these sort of Animals can cram and devour at all hours ) and amongst the rest a Pastoral Dialogue was excellently Sung in parts by the young Gentleman before mentioned , and one of the new She-Cousins ; who acquitted her self admirably well in the performance of it ; which moved Friend 's outward Man to take acquaintance with her Cheek and Breasts , which after served him instead of a Guittar to play his part on . The Fowl was brought in , ●aten , and well wash'd in Wine : Madona , the supposed Aunt , sitting in a great Chair , and for a Conclusion to the Table-work , began a Health to the best Woman in Christendom , which went round , and Friend took it very Devoutly ; so that Ceremony being over , we were Conducted to as many several Lodging-rooms , the Damosels ( being of courteous Function ) bringing Caps and Neck-cloaths into the Chamber , and asking whether we would not have a Dram of Rosa-solis , or Orange-water , or any thing else to compose us to sleep ; my Friend and self desired to be in one Bed , pretending an Infirmity , which is often the ●ffect of Lodging in such places : which ( with some little seeming difficulty ) was ●dmitted ; how the other Gentlemen disposed of themselves , I know not ; but ●●ppose Friend forgot not to take his Fiddle ●o Bed with him . It must be imagined it was near Day ●hen we went to Bed , and therefore could ●ot be expected we should get out a Hunt●●g at five or six in the Morning ; but ●●ough the Bed had so much of our time ●till ten or eleven , and I must acknow●●dge my Head to have been soundly heat●● , yet could not I obtain one hours sleep ; such unusual and ●rouding Thoughts usurp● upon me . Sometimes I considered in what ●igure Friend would appear to himself when he began to recollect in the Morning ; and then I apprehended that we might present much after the same form , having complyed ( for ought he might know ) in all the parts of the Extravagance . Again , what account could he imagine we should give of him to the young Lady ; unless he might suppose her to be of the humour that ( some say ) the Scots Women are of ? Not to have any value for a Man , unless he hath set up the credit of his Abilities , by having had two or three before-hand . These ( I say ) and many more were the Considerations which took up my thoughts , but I perceived Friend had no such Cogitations to disturb him ; having ( it's probable ) concluded within himself , that all Mankind were alike ; and though they wore different Habits , and were of different Opinions in other matters , yet all unanimously agreed to prosecute their Bestial Inclinations , and give themselves up to their Sensual Appetites . And I am the more apt to believe this Opinion might much prevail with him , for a reason that you will find in the next Chapter , when we come to speak of his Associates : Besides , that as soon as we were got up , he came very briskly into our Room , and enquired of us , how we had liked our Lodging , and our Company ; we answered him , that both were very agreeable , because both were very pleasant ; at which he embrac'd us , and buss'd our Cheeks ; by which we perceived the Damsels had not given him notice that we had had none of their Company ; probably they kept that Secret to themselves , lest the others should come to the knowledge of it , and they might be derided , and exposed for having been so slighted by their supposed Gallants . A great deal of Chocolet was consumed as soon as we were drest , and we used our endeavours to get Friend home into the City with us ; but he could by no means part with his Aunt and Cousins be-Dinner ; we were not permitted to understand of any thing that was to pay , but were told it would look ill if we question'd it : No doubt Friend sufficiently gratified his Aunt for the Entertainment ; and we gave somewhat to the Servants , took our Leaves , having with much contesting obtained that Point ; ( only our Change-business would not permit us to stay ) so we got to the Water side , and came by Boat to the Temple Stairs , leaving the Yea and-Nay Cully with his Friends , to the further Management of the Aunt and Nieces . CHAP. X. A Continuation of some more Visionary Observations relating to Friend . IT will not be amiss now to acquaint you , that yesterday ( which was the day ) of Friend's Treating his supposed She-friend , he appeared in a fine , light , Broad-cloth Suit , lined with Sattin of the same colour ; and the brims of his Beaver were somewhat larger than the day before ; this was the Garb he came to the House of Pleasure in ; but the Morning ( before we parted ) he came into our Room in a Peach● colour'd Sattin Gown , Flower'd with Gold and Silver , having Cap and Slippers suitable ; in this Dress very Amiable , and whether it might be his own , kept at that House for his wearing when he came to take the Air , or whether Aunt kept such Perquisites for the accommodating persons of his Quality , I cannot determine : This I am satisfied in , that Friend considered himself as much in that Garb , as a Peacock doth when he erects his Plumes . We saw Friend no more until two or three days after , accidentally meeting him upon the Exchange , we found him upon the East-country Walk , with divers grave Merchants , some whereof were distinguishable by their little Neck-cloths . Friend was now become a Yea-and-Nay Man again , and ( giving us the formal Bow , the fleering Smile , with the Hand a little extended out of the Cloak , to give us the Friendly gripe ) we were saluted with a How is it with thee Robert ? how is it with thee Thomas ? I would willingly drink a Dish of Coffee with ●e at the A. Coffee-house ; to which we replied , He might find us there in a quarter of an hour . We observed two or three Friends came in with him , and pressed him very earnestly to dispose of two or three Thousand pound for them in his Country Goods ; he seemed not much inclined to it , until seemingly conquer'd by over-perswasion , we heard him express himself to them after this manner : If I am not mistaken in my own Heart ( with Eyes lifted up ) I can freely say that I am willing to do my utmost for promotion of Friend's Interest , but ye very well know what pains I take to manage my own little business ; my Returns have been but small this Year ; and we are under such discouragements , that unless Friends be Assisting to one another , the Wicked will carry away all Trade sheer from us : Now I say , if ye desire me to lay out such a Summe for ye to the best advantage , it is fit we come to a determination of a certain Factorage by way of Poundage , or otherwise ; and that ye remit me such Summes as I see occasion from time to time to draw upon ye ; but we will leave the further discourse of this matter until to morrow after Change , for I am willing now to speak a little to those two Young men , that came up the Country with me . So ( after Reciprocal Noddings ) he dropt them , and whisper'd us , That that place would not be convenient for us to discourse in ; therefore if we had not Dined , it would not be amiss to go to the D — Ordnary , and there we might have the opportunity of enjoying our selves , without being supervised . We approved of the advice , resolving ( if possible ) to ●ound Friend to the bottom ( having already gone so far ) to observe a strict Compliance with his Temper , as we had hitherto done . We had a Goose , and a dish of Minc'd Pyes for Dinner , which it may be Friend might have Demurr'd to in other Company ; but ( amongst us ) it was concluded all things should be in Common . Friend told us that he had been prevailed with to tarry at Aunt 's all the following Night , and that his two Friends had continued with him : That these Frolicks were somewhat chargeable , but that he seldom used them , unless ( at times ) for his Health's sake ; but however the thing was not much to be valued by him , being in a way of Trade , that ( if he had Vanity enough ) he might very well keep his Coach and Dogs . We acknowledg'd that he had laid an Obligation upon us , which from another hand would have look't like an affront , in taking upon himself the whole charge at the Country-house , and that we thought it not proper to dispute it there ; but were resolved , unless he would permit us to re-imburse him , and to be upon equal terms for the future ; we would even offer that Violence to our selves , as never more to come into his Company . He would by no means admit a●y thing of a retribution , but consented to an equality for the future ; and upon those Terms a Truce was made . Then he enquired of the young Lady , and hoped we had not so far betrayed that Confidence which he had reposed in us , as to speak any thing to his disadvantage there ; for that he hoped he was not mistaken in our humors ; for that we had always appeared to him to be under the same circumstances of Flesh and Blood with others . I diverted this discourse by drinking a Glass to the Aunts and Nieces Healths at the Country-house , which very well confirmed Friend in his Opinion of us . A great deal more Chat passed about our Diversion at yond place , of which Friend express'd himself very Feelingly , and ( being pressed ) confess'd he thought he might have been a little too vigorous , but that in such cases he never tied himself up to abstinence , but always applied himself to a dose of Infallible Pills , which never failed him ; and offered each of us a Box , against such time as we might have occasion . We returned him our Thanks , and assur'd him we would send for them when that presented . After this ( having passed the Bumpers about , and Friend returned our Compliment by taking so many Glasses to ours ) he frankl●y told us , That he was very glad we had met him that day , for we had thereby put an opportunity into his hands of inviting us into the merriest , and best Company that the Town afforded ; where were such variety of humours , and all joined in such a Harmony , as could not be match't again : And therefore desired us to meet him not far from Salisbury-Court , at an appointed place , betwixt the hours of Eight and Nine , Number 43. This fell out according to our wish , and we needed not be asked twice for our Compliance in that case . So that we had nothing to do but to promise not to fail at the Time and Place . So we drank about to the Healths of the Excellent Company we were to meet that Night ; and having given our hands to be punctual , we went home to put our selves in order for that purpose ; taking each of us a Glass of Water to suppress the fumes of the Wine from disturbing our Heads . We acquainted the young Lady with the design , who made us promise to Print Friend's History in a Book ; which is answered by this Vision ; in the Evening we repaired to the Assignation . We made so much haste to the place appointed , that we prevented the Company ; and finding no Number left at the Bar , we retired to a Coffee-house for half an hour , and then found Friend and a great many of his Company arrived by that time , many more drop't in , in a short time after . It seemed to me to be the greatest Medley of people that I had ever seen ; for there were French , Scots , Irish , Dutch , and English , and as many Sects as Amsterdam affords : Some seemed to be Gentlemen , some Souldiers ▪ some Merchants-men , others Mechanicks ; some came to Expose themselves , others to make their Advantages , and Observations thereupon : Yet all agreed to make it a Merry-meeting , as they call'd it ; there were divers that by their Habits discover'd themselves to be of the Wet sort of Friends , who had put on a brisk gayety of humour , and appeared to be no more like the same sort of people they used to look like at Bull-and-Mouth , than an Apple is like an Oyster . There was amongst the rest a Sullen-complexion'd Blade of a Glover , who ( it seems ) had been a Holder-forth at Conventicles ; and this Spark was a great Stickler against Church-discipline ; but I could not perceive that either Friend , or any of the Yea-and-Nay ▪ People gave him any incouragement to promote his discourse ; but he was quickly taken off by a smart Gentleman in a red Coat , who so all-to-be-baffled him , that he was condemn'd to silence during the rest of the time . In fine , this seemed to make out the Harmony which Friend was speaking of , that so many people of such ●ivers Figures , and distant Habitations , should agree to come together , as ( it seems they often did at that place ) on purpose to Fuddle , and blow up one another with repeated Bumpers : Some were for talking of publick News , others gave no Attention to it ; some for Twoodling on their Recorders , others for a Snap of a Song ; but still the Glasses maintain'd a nimble motion ; until ( by general consent ) a Consort of Voices was agreed upon to be very seasonable ; which some of the Company performed very well ; amongst many others , Singing that which follows , with four Parts . Would you know how we meet o'er our Jolly brisk Bowls , As we mingle our Liquors , we mingle our Souls . The sweet meets the sharp , and the kind-soft , the strong , And nothing but Friendship grows all the Night long : We Drink , Laugh , and Celebrate ev'ry desire , Love only remains the unquenchable Fire . The Songs gave the whole Company great satisfaction , after which some of the Company play'd two or three Consorts on their Haught-boys and Recorders : This Diversion I could not but esteem very laudable and gentile , and should not have thought my time mis-spent in frequent Entertainments of that kind . But now the ●iery Element began to make many of their Brains whirl ; some then began to discourse of their Hectoring Pranks and Debauches , others of Tricks they had play'd in the Custom-house ; some complain'd they could not make up their Master's Cash , others of Suretyships they had been ensnar'd in ; some again boasting how often they had pass'd the Discipline for the French Disease , others dreaded the need they were in of entring into the same Course . The noise was so great , that there began to be an Universal ●lamour from all parts of the Room , which resounded with nothing but Oaths , Blasphemies , Cheats , and Debaucheries , enough to have deafned Newgate it self . And yet most of those people ( when abroad ) pass'd for quite another sort of Animals then what they then appear'd to be ; Such a Mockage is there in the Excess of Wine ! This indeed gave a full discovery of the lewd Revels that Friend was a frequenter of : Now the Room was become the perfect Emblem of a divided State , for the whole Company were divided into little Cabals , three or four in a place , and as many Glasses as there were People , and the Bumpers were constantly driven about till the World began to Circulate : But this I will say for Friends , They never boggled at their Wine , nor scrupled the Ceremony of their Hats ; but most of their Debates were calm , touching Female Assignations , or so . Amidst all this clamour , one of the Company makes up to Friend , demanding satisfaction of him , for carrying him to a certain House , where he had received some damage in his Perquisites , and that the Cure had cost him ten Guineas , besides danger of Relapses : this he insisted upon with great noise and Menaces : Friend meekly replied ( smiling in his Face ) Thee might'st have stay'd at home , if thee had'st not been free to have gone with me ; and if thee would'st make use of any thing that was to thy prejudice , what is that to me ? If thee findest thy self grieved in my company , thee may'st keep out of it . But this was so far from allaying the Gentleman's Passion , that he was the more enraged , and swore bitterly , if Friend did not promise him , before the Company , to give him satisfaction the next Morning , that he would immediately run him through . My Kinsman , and Self , interceded on behalf of Friend , but were like to be set upon by four or five for our pains ; one of them ( who appeared to be the younger of the two that were with him at Aunt 's ) giving Friend a whole Volly of filthy Names , and swearing by no mean Devotions , he demanded satisfaction of him , for giving him the Italian hug , as they were one night in bed together : These matters were so plainly made out by many of the Company ; that there was no good to be done by interposing , only we urged the time of the Night , and danger of the Watches , ( which I am apt to think , some of that Company dreaded , as much as a Jilt does a Beadle , or a Hempstock . ) This somewhat allay'd the Tumult ; and a further Debate of those matters was put off until the next Meeting , which Friend promised them should be the next day . Then an amicable Glass or two passed about ; and ( a Reckoning being called ) my Kinsman and Self threw down our Quota's , which was about Five shillings a-piece , and excusing our selves , that we were Strangers , and had far to our Lodgings ; we took leave of the Company , leaving Friend to pay for most of them , as no doubt he did . When we came home , we gave the Lady an account in what Company we had left Friend , and how he had been Insulted over by divers of them , which made her hold her Sides for Laughter : At length , said she , Cousin , what shall I do for a Friend ? for now I plainly see my spruce Yea-and-Nay-Man hath deserted me , and is taken up with Jilts and Boys ; and in short time I fear he may fall in Love with a Fille , as poor Friend Green at Colchester did . But for my share , I could not but have compassionate thoughts for him , and was with great tenderness affected to see a young Man with such a seeming , plausible out-side , and one that was Courted with all the advantages of Fortune , so miserably led Captive by his insatiate and unruly Appetites : I was no less astonished ( amongst that mix'd Company ) to see Professors of almost all kinds Wallowing and Kennelling in the swinish Debaucheries of a wanton and degenerate Age. What 's that Religion that doth not reclaim Men from such Inhumane Bestialities ? But amidst my Moralities , I was whisper'd in the Ear , That no Man yet ever set fire to a Field of Corn , because there were some Tares in it : And that doubtless there were some Hypocrites , and that amongst the best sort of Professors , or else the World would be better stock'd with Honesty and Charity , than upon the strictest enquiry it appears to be . That these were a sort of Agents , and Factors that would still be kept on foot by the Prince of the Lower World , as long as he hath any thing to do in this . And therefore ( since such were abroad ) they ought with the more caution and diligence to be resisted . These and such-like Considerations not only took me off from my wonted Conversation before I went to bed , but from my sleep after , until towards the Morning , and then my very Dreams were composed of such reflections : Oh! the horrid disadvantages of an unhappy Conversation ; it not only entraps a Man in the inextricable Snares of Debauchery and Poverty , but exposes and detects the miserable Captive to the reproach and contempt of the rest of Men. Wretched state of Ductile Youth ! always inclinable , and always open to the Attacques of every violent Temptation ; forgetful of their Guard , and inconsiderate of their Company . Happy they that Converse in a lovely Solitude , with Groves and Streams free from the disadvantages of humane Conversation , which beguiles and entices the unwary upon those unavoidable Precipices . And yet were it not for Disguises , who would be decoy'd ? Were all the Promoters of immorality and baseness amongst Men stigmatized in their Foreheads , as Friend Naylor once was for his Blasphemies , it were to be hoped they would have few or no Followers : But whilst Wolves shall put on the Habit of Sheep , Vultures that of the Dove , and the Hyprocrite haunt ye in all the Habits of Gown , Cloak , or Jerkin ; so long there is little hopes that Men will be arm'd with Caution enough to avoid the snare . Such like thoughts as these ( as I said ) kept me company sleeping or waking until the next time I saw Friend ; and that was accidentally thus : There is no doubt but the consciousness of his guilt , and being so notoriously detected , as at the late Tavern-muster , prevailed with him to keep at a distance from our Lodging , where we never saw him afterwards ; but going one day by a house , where I saw a great many green Aprons , gray Coats , and large-Ear'd Brethren pass in before me , I had the curiosity to enter into a Room where there were a great Throng Assembled ; in midst of whom was Friend Exalted on a Form ; sometimes dilating his Palms , sometimes thumping his Breast , and Vociferating till he made the Auditory groan again : I was a little surprized to find him Holding-forth after that manner , not thinking his Age had called him to that Classis ; but it seems he was acknowledged a Gifted Brother from his Youth : A little after he espied me , he put a period to his discourse , and ( having sate down a-while ) came to me , and desired me to call at his Lodgings ; which I did in a day or two after , with intention to tell him my thoughts of his lewd and abominable Hypocrisie : But he was gone into the Country , where , in a short time , he drew down several Thousands of pounds out of Friend's hands on pretence of a Factory for them ; a little while after ( having made himself too publick , and got what he desired into his hands ) he slipt over into Ireland , and so gave Friends the slip with a considerable Stock , wherewith he purchased an Estate there , and threw off the disguise of a Quaker . We have been since told , that he had a Wife and divers Children in the Country , when he pretended that Address to the young Lady ; and that since he hath been settled in Ireland , he hath carried it very abusively to his Wife ( who is look'd upon as a sober Woman ) keeping Strumpets in his House , besides what he frequents abroad ; where he continues to keep company with the Neighbouring Youth , and infect them with his contagious Debaucheries . The End of the Vision . Friends , I 'd not have you take it in Derision , For Yea-and-Nay this is a down-right Vision . CHAP. XI . Certain Rhymes made into Metre , whereby to set forth the Love of Friend William to his Friend Abigail . BUT hear me , Friend , before ever we speak a word of Verse ; prethee tell me soberly , and to the Text ; Did not Friend John Complement neighbour Ninny the Kirk-man after a delicate sort ? See what these huffing Jacks are , when Friend le ts loose but a little of the Old Man upon 'em : And then ( for fear his Cowardice should be betray'd ) it was a drunken Serjeant that did the Murther . O Wit ! wit ! a rare excuse to blind and conceal the Heroick Prowess of Friend John ! that the World might not know Kirk-man was kick'd by a Q — But no matter for that , it is no difficult thing for the Light that is in Friend to vanquish the obscurity of such Jugling pretences , and vindicate the just Power and Superiority which the Old Man ought to have over such Whipper-snappers . Now for the Verses , Friends . 1. O Love ! whose mighty Power Is stronger far than Claret ; Send down of Wit a shower , That I may speak like Parrot . 2. Transfund my crazy Noddle , That 's crack't enough in Conscience ; That so my Brains may Coddle , In Raptures of high Nonsence . 3. Let Abigail's fair Skin , As bright as scowred Pewter ; Shine like the Light within , On her Admiring Suiter . 4. Yea , let her red Complexion , As fair as any Brick-bat ; So work on my Affection , That I may nothing stick at . 5. And make me frisk and vapour , In Verse of high Inspiring ; And that my Wit may Caper , To Abigail's Admiring . 6. Her Eyes are like two Oranges , With Cloves stuck round about-a ; Her Mouth is like a Porrenger , When that the Broth is out-a . 7. Her Nose like a Pack-Saddle strides , From one Cheek to the other ; No Damsel in the World besides , Was e'er so like her Mother . 8. Her Butt — ●ks , and her Shoulders , Strive for the upper-hand so ; 'T is hard for the Beholders , To say which highest stands , ho. 9. When she to silent Meeting comes , With Apron green before her ; She simpers so like Mussle-Plum , 'T would make a Jew Adore her . 10. When she doth groan ' midst Croud of Friends , Full oft 't hath caus'd me wonder ; Whether from Top , or nether End , Hath burst the Peal of Thunder . 11. Thee may'st the Balmy moisture see , About her Lips to settle ; Just like to drops of Furmitee , Vpon the brim o' th' Kettle . 12. It makes my Blood in Veins to dance , And puts me in Condition ; Much like to Friend , when in a Trance , When I behold the Vision . 13. O Abigail ! thy Love transcends The rest of the Creation ; As much as we , who are called Friends , Excel the rest o' th' Nation . 14. Great are the Triumphs , Poets sings , That mighty Love hath made ; Subduing all , both Queens and Kings , The Distaff , and the Spade . 15. Some have to Bedlam gone for Love , And there Love-Songs are bawling ; Some over Walls , and House-tops move , Like Puss at Catterwawling . 16. Men too for strange Flesh have been mad , And shifted Sex , like Hares ; And in th' Transporting heat were glad , Misses to make of Mares . 17. At which the Men of Colchester , Were very much Offended ; And for that Cause , on Gibbet there , Was Brother Grene Suspended . 18. So that the very Rage and Power , Of this most Rav'nous Passion ; Poor William's Entrails will devour , Without Commiseration . 19. Therefore to thee , Friend Abigail ▪ This Metre is directed ; That the Love which is on thee Entail'd , May never be rejected . 20. And I with Poets , yea the best , Will sing thy Praises certain ; And in hopes of thy Good-will , I rest , Thine in the Light , W. Martin . CHAP. XII . Certain Enthusiasms by way of Direction concerning the Choice of a Woman ; and the Manner of Friends Celebrating the thing called Matrimony . AND now having given thee a touch of Friend's Attainments in Rhyme ; whereby thee may'st plainly discern , that ●f Friends would comply so far as to in●truct the World in their Numbers , they do not a little exceed the Performances of others . For even as a Harry Groat Grown gray , is worth four single Pence ; So Friend deserves a Cap and Coat , For his Exceeding Rhyme , and Sence . I am now free to go on with thee , and set before thee some Directions for Youth to govern themselves by ; as touching their Chusing , and manner of Courting a Female Creature ; and after what manner Friends have thought fit to tye the Matrimonial Noose . As to the first thing , thee may'st have it curiously drawn to thy hand according to the Directions of a Friend well Skilled in the business , or affair of Entercourse betwixt that which they call the Masculine Gender , and the Feminine ; and that shall be plainly set before thee in Writing , and is that which followeth : The DIRECTIONS . First , when thee findest thy Inclinations draw forth thy Love towards the Female kind ; I say thou oughtest to consider , whether thy Appetite and thy Ability be proportionable one to the other ; for if thee desirest to have every day a Dish of Poach'● Eggs at thy Table , and thee hast neither 〈◊〉 to lay thee any , nor Money to buy 〈◊〉 ; why then Yea-and-Nay , Friend thou art like to go without . Even so , if thee hast desires after a Woman , and she will not come to thee , neither art thou able to go to her ; why then , plainly Friend , thou art to go without her ; according as it is Celebrated in Rhyme . If Fortune favour , I may have her , Now I am about her ; But if Fortune fail , I may kiss her Tail , And so may go without her . Secondly , in the second place , thee art to consider whether the Female that thou desirest be of a suitable temper , and disposition of mind with thy self ; That is to say , whether her Inclinations and Affections be as strong and fervent towards thee , as thine are towards her ; Or thou'dst better be dragg'd at the Tail of a Horse , Than e'●r be ty'd up for better for worse . In the third place it may be needful for thee to consider her outward Estate , what she may be really worth as to the Goods of this World , if she come to be weighed in the Balance of Examination ; for many times they weigh very heavy in th● Scale of Report , that are found light and ●●pty in the Scale of Examination : It was therefore the Opinion of a certain Friend , That Womens Portion-money used to be drawn over a Gridiron , and so Nineteen parts of twenty dropped through , and never came into the Husband's Purse . Then get thee some Silver with her thou dost wed , Or else let her lie alone in the 〈◊〉 ; For if ' twixt the Sheets together ye come , Then there comes a breed , it s a Horse to a Plum ; And where there are Children , there must be Pap , Therefore in the first place see thou secure that . Fourthly , It were not amiss for thee t●●●onsider her Manner of Education , or P●●●eding : For if she be one of us , much will b● saved both in respect of Time and Expence ; in respect of what thee must needs be at , if she be brought up after the Fashion and Custom of the World ; for then thee must be at the trouble and charge of that which they call Entertainments , Presents , Treats , and Serenades ; so that sometimes it may cost thee Ten or Twenty pound at a Spring-Garden , Thirty or Forty pound for a Gold Watch , a Locket of Diamonds , or so ; besides the constant Attendance of a Coach and Servants . Whereas , if thou seekest the Love of one of thy own Perswasion , ●t is far otherwise , all that vain and extravagant Expence is saved , and thou art secured from the danger of keeping Foot-men and Pages ; no Balls , nor Masquerades ; no Visits , nor Parkings : which often occasions Husbands to have a pain in their Heads , besides the Noise it makes in the Town , when a Woman is supposed to be Lightly inclined . Though , to deal freely with thee , it 's possible one of our own breed ( if she be any thing handsome ) may at some time or other serve thee a slippery trick ; For ev'n She-friends love lusty Yeomen , As well as any other Women . In the Fifth place , thee art to consider , That thee art not to come and seek the Love of any one of our She-friends with a Sword hung up at thy Breech , for that looks as if thou were inclined to use violence in the case ; whereas our Females know how to yield without being set upon by Carnal Swords . Neither art thee to expect that our Widows should be distinguished by their first and second Mourning , or their Veils ; which looks like a Bill over a door , written , Here is a House to be Lett , or so : But Friends have a way of whispering the matter about at a Meeting ; or when they come together , either at a Coffee-house , or their own Homes ; and they know to a Scruple what weight she is of : And much charge is hereby saved , for there needs not the Expence of putting her out of Mourning ; for the same Cloths that served to Mourn for the Dead , will serve to Bed with the Living . And as to the matter which their Priests usually ask of the Parties when they come to be joined , Whether they know any Impediment , &c. Thee art to understand , that Friends satisfie themselves as to that point before it comes to that ; for the Ligh●● shews us that these things ought not to be hid● but that Friends ought to take sufficient observation of the premises before-hand , or otherwis● it may happen that one Man , or one Woman● may be Married to another ; which Friend● have observed was never the Intention of Nature , nor the true intent and meaning of being Yoked together . So that , to prevent mistakes , 't is good That Friend by Friend be understood : Or else poor Female ( as 't may happen ) Instead of Man , may Wed a Capon . But these things strictly are forbidden , So to the next thing we 'll proceed on . Sixth - Lye , That is to say , in the Sixth place● If thee espousest a Friend of ours , there is Money sav'd by the bargain ; and let me tell thee that is a main point : For if thee weddest afte●r the Carnal way , thou must buy thy Wife of th● Priest , and that may stand thee in about Twenty shillings ; which is at least Nineteen shilling Eleven pence half-peny-farthing more than many times they happen to be worth : And is 〈◊〉 not a sad thing that a Man shall lay out his Money in a Commodity , which many times 〈◊〉 would give twice as much to be rid of , and t● clear his hands again ? It is bad enough , Friend● to meet with such a bad bargain for never farthing : but to pay Money for such Ware , by no means according to the Light. And the wicked have observed it in some of their Metre . He that Marries a VVife that is fair , Of future happiness need not despair , He may go to Elizium without any pray'r , The Sins of his VVife shall save him : But he that Marries an ugly VVh — Runs every day on the Devil's score , H 'as a Hell upon Earth , and another in store , And Satan will surely have him . Friends Form of Marriage . Seventhly , All the foregoing Directions being observed , and Things in readiness to put an end to the business of Courtship , and enter upon the affair of Marriage ; then art thee ( in the presence of a Croud of Friends , at a Holding-forth ) to take thy Female by the Hand , and lead her into the midst of them ; saying to this effect , ( for Forms are odious things to Friends ) Friends , I would have ye take notice that I take this VVoman home to live with me , at Bed and at Board , and to do the Business I have for her ; and I design to provide things needful for her . So when the Company part , they go home together ; and at Night the clean Sheets are laid , and Friends go together to propagate according to the Light. I would have thee mark ; here is not one word of For better for worse in the whole matter , for Friends have not thought it reasonable to bind themselves upon such unequal terms : Here 's no Dancing , no Fiddling , no Noise of Boys and Wenches to whet Friend's Appetite before-hand ; but things are done with Silence and Moderation , according to the Gravity ●●d Custom of Friends . So Male-friend doth with Female couple , Without a deal of Noise and Trouble , Mingling their gear without pollution ; By Ancient , true Institution , Which Friends conceive by Light within , May be a means to prevent Sin : Marr'age is Salt ( some have been thinking ) Which keeps Friend's Outward Man from stinking . In the Eighth place ; If thee hast Issue of thy Labours ; that is to say , either Son or Daughter , see that thou permit them not to be dipped , or sprinkled after the Carnal Fashion , but call it after what Name best liketh thee ; for Friends have Ordained themselves Priests in their own Houses ; and know , That Children propagated after the manner of the Light , can never be in a State of Darkness . When they grow up , be sure thou keep 'um from running to Steeple-houses , lest the noise of the Bells should make them deaf . And if their Ears be stopp'd with Noise , How shall they hear the Teacher's voice ? When he at Bull-and-Mouth doth Roar , Of things ne'er understood before ; Nay so profound , Friends ( if you mind it ) The Light within can never find it . Ninth - Lye , I advise thee , in all thy dealings see that thou preferr a wicked one that hath Money , before a Friend that hath none ; for it is Money ( Friends ) that is the life of business ; Therefore get Money honestly ( if possible ) however get Money . For verily when once the Money is out of Friends baggs ▪ thou canst then discern very little Light within him ; but it is the Friend that hath most Money shines the brightest . These Directions I thought fit To leave behind to teach Friends Wit ; He that doth mind the last set down , ●S bel●v'd by all the Friends in Town . CHAP. XIII . Certain other Epistles and Greetings , giving a further discovery of the Knack Yea-and-Nay-People are arrived to , as to the thing called Complement . A Letter from a Friend , to another Friend in Prison . Friend Marmaduke , SInce the Evil ones have confined thy outward Tabernacle in the house of Captivity , I have had great Sorrowings for thee ; not so much upon account of thy Sufferings , which are like the scouring of a Lanthorn ; Yea , I say , Sufferings scoure , and rub off the grease and foulness that sticks to the Horns , so that the Light shineth through much the clearer , and may be seen from one end of the Street to the other . Carnal ones have great resemblance one with the other in their Actions : For even as the great round Lanthorn which hung at Friend B's Tavern-door , was caned , batter'd , and broken to pieces , by one of them called Bullies ; and all because the Light therein was a little obscured by reason of the darkening , caused by a foulness contracted ( as I said ) on the case or outside ; so that Bully chanced to step into the Canal : Even so they deal with us of the Yea-and-Nay-People ; If they discern not the Light ( of which sometimes our selves cannot see so much as a glimmering ) why then I say they lay violence upon the outward case , and fall foul upon that wherein the Light is enclosed . And this is what was upon my mind to say unto thee , as touching that matter . But that which hath caused in me the greatest bewailings , is for the loss Friends sustain as to the carrying on of the work at the Meetings . Since thee hast been laid in Bonds , scarcely any one hath been moved to speak , or hold-forth for the Edification of Friends ; but all our comings together have been ( as it were ) silent Meetings : only Friend Elimas gave some Exhortations and Establishments touching securing the Interest of Friend's outward Estate ; which hath been of great use . I have likewise further grief of Mind concerning thy Wife Elizabeth , who I understand is fallen with Child since the time of thy Captivity , and it is verily thought by some , that it is by one of the wicked ones ; which occasions great grief of heart amongst Friends ; for they reason thus amongst themselves : If she had been true and faithful to the Light , she would never have had to do with one of them that are in a State of Darkness . And as an Adding of weight unto thy bonds , I shall forbear what was upon my thoughts to say with relation thereunto : only this may not be amiss to advise thee of ; That it may be needful for some Friends ( of the more reputable sort ) to give out , that it was begot in the house of Bondage ; and that Elizabeth be advertised , That upon condition she join in testifying the same matter , thee wilt be willing to pass by the failing with silence , especially , provided she keep out of the snare for the future . This , I say , I thought meet to set before thee , and thee may'st use thy mind concerning it ; or else if thee thinkest fit , a Bill of Divorce may be given her ; so that it may appear , That Friends are not free to incourage their Wives in such Abominations . If thee hast any business , with relation to thy outward affairs , wherein I may shew kindness unto thee ; It 's like I may be Free to act in it , if thee givest me notice . So with Friendly Greetings and Salutations unto thy Self , and those in bonds with thee , I remain Thine according to the Inward Glimmerings , Aminadab . The 49th . Day of the 16th . Month , in the Year called Plato's . An Epistle from a Yea-and-Nay Youth , who was a Prentice with a Comb-maker , written to his Father in the Country . HENRY , I Write this Epistle unto thee that thee may'st understand of the Health of my Natural body , as I did of thine , and thy Wives , in one from thee , bearing date the 11th . Day of the last Month. I would have thee to understand that Friend Humphrey ( with whom thee hast placed me to serve an Appreticeship of seven Years ) is one of those the World calleth Wet Quakers ; and came home about three nights since after the second Watch , not only wet within , with the bloody-colour'd Juice of the Creature , which is brought over to us from a Country called France , ( which , they say , hath a down-right Enmity against the People of our Perswasion ; and it may be the Liquor which cometh from thence may partake of the Nature of the Inhabitants ; ) for ( as I was saying to thee ) he w●● likewise wet without , his rayment being very much polluted with the defilement of the Canal ; by which it is evident , that the French Creature had been shewing its Enmity , and after a most malicious manner cast him head-long into the Canal ; and that at such a time of night ( that if the City-watch had not taken him out from thence ) it is very likely he might have perished in the Water , as it 's said some Creatures of the same nature did heretofore . His Light was so far extinguished therewithall , that I could not discern the least appearance thereof . The Watch that I told thee of brought him into the house , and laid him upon my bed , in the shop ( for the Woman called his Wife would not suffer the Men to bring him into the Room where she was ; but said unto them after this manner ; Carry the Swine , and lay him where it is fitting for him to be : So that I was forced to get into bed , when the weight of his burthen on the top of the Cloths was very troublesome to me , besides the snoring and grunting noise which kept me waking the rest of the Night . Just in the Morning , as I began to move to get out of bed , a flood of reddish Liquor gushed out of his Mouth , which stained not only the Sheets , but my Shirt also , and washed me all over ; which I was forced to wear wet about me the greatest part of the following day . Now I am doubtful that Humphrey may frequently be brought home in like condition , which would be very troublesome to me these cold Winter-nights ; for he hath frequent contendings with that unlucky French Creature , and notwithstanding he is often cast down by ●t ; Yet will not the courage of his Old man suffer him to keep out of the way , or give over the Contest . There is likewise another thing which very much sticks with me , and that is this ; Our Neighbour's Prentices , and sometimes Stran●●rs , as they go along the Streets , are apt to cast abuses at me , and reflections with respect to our Trade : What ( says one ) thee art cutting up thy Father's head to make a Comb of , or thee art cutting up thy Master's horns ; the Citizens Wives will have somewhat to say to thee for Sawing up their Husbands Brow-Antlers , and the like : It were endless to reckon up the Scoffs I endure upon that account . So that it hath been much upon my Spirit to know thy Opinion concerning this thing , and whether thee may'st not think it convenient to provide some other Habitation and Calling for me , where I may be free from such continual Flouts . But if thee takest no care as to this matter , it is like I may be free to get off into some one of our Friend's Plantations , where ( it may be ) I may meet with none of these troubles . Thus signifying my Love to thee and thy Wife , and minding Friendly Salutations to thy Family ; having great desire to hear from thee , I remain Thine according to the Flesh . Henry the Younger . The 5th . Day of the Month , called Maggot ▪ in the Year of Horn-Fair . Some Metre upon Occasion of the Wet Quaker . FRiends ! he 's not Drunk , they who say so are Sots ; Doth not his Laundress scowre , and wash the Spots Of his foul Vestments ? Tell me why he may Not wash himself , that 's far more foul than they ? For , to be Drunk , with Friends were great forgetting ; ●ut it is like Friend may have ●ain a-wetting . The Carnal Swine in Mire are always Wallowing , But Friends ( like Sheep ) drop in the Ditch by following ; And they through Bry'rs will follow one another , So one Friend falls i' th' Pit by following t'other . A Letter from a Friend to the Keeper of a Prison-House . Friend , FOR though I may not call thee by that name properly , and as thou art an Alien to the Light ; yet I have thought meet to give thee that Title , as I have no enmity to thy Person . Thou knowest thou hast in thy Keeping the outward Man of divers Friends , who are put into the Custody of thy Cage of Captivity ; but withal , it were not amiss for thee to consider , that though Friends are put into a Cage ; yet they are no Birds , for they have no Wings , neither do they whistle nor sing as the feathered sowl do ; but they are placed with thee for divers Considerations moving the Men of Authority so to do ; and thee wilt find it much to thy advantage to use Moderation towards them , during the time of their Captivity ; for verily that will sound much to thy Commendation : Dost thou not see with what tenderness the Creatures that are kept in Cages about the Town are used ? they have their Prisons cleansed every day , and are supplied with fresh water and food for the support of their Tabernacles ; sometimes they have green boughs , and leaves put about them for their refreshment , which makes them rejoice in the kindness of their Keepers ; Yea , verily they do greatly rejoice , and testifie their thankfulness by their merry chirping and hopping from one pearch to another . Now ( as I was a saying ) though Friends cannot chirp and sing thy Commendation , yet they have ways of expressing their gratitude , in such a manner as ( I am apt to think ) may be more acceptable to thee ; For if there come into thy House a Hamper of Wine , a piece of Venison , or a piece of Plate , verily I may say these are very acceptable things , and yet such as Friends can part withal upon good terms . But if thee beest sowre and rugged to them , thou wilt find it far otherwise ; those acceptable returns will be strangers to thy house , and it will be a hard matter for thee to get thy Fees for their restraint ; they will rather die in bonds , than that thou shalt be one farthing gainer by them . I have set this matter before thee , that herein thou might'st consult thy own benefit ; for it hath come unto my Ears , that thee hast been very hard and cruel to Friends in thy keeping ; and that thou hast not only denied them the refreshment of She-friends company , but hast laid violent hands upon some of them ; and hast sore bruised their outward Vessels , to their no small discomfort . I do therefore appeal to thee , whether such usage would be welcom to thee , wert thou in their state and condition ? or whether thee would'st not take it unkindly to have thy outward Tabernacle batter'd and mortify'd after such unkind , yea barbarous manner . Therefore let me advise thee , if thou wilt not allow them the kindness which birds receive , that thou wilt ( at least ) afford them that which is not denied to beasts ; that is , That they may have Meat , Drink , and fresh Straw . So resteth Thine in the Shinings within , T. L. The first Day of Noddy-Month . Another Epistle , by way of Enthusiasm , written to Penelope , the Daughter of Geffery . Friend Penelope , IT being now about the time which the World calls Midsummer-moon , which time will always be famous amongst Friends , upon the account of the extraordinary Enthusiasms , great Revelations , and strange Appearances which have penetrated the Crancums of their Microcosms about that season : And it being about the time that the Men called Doctors Exercise more than Common Severity towards our brethren which are under their discipline in the Long-house on the South-side of Moorfields ; where they Scarrisie , Cupp , Plaster , and Syringe the Brain-pans of Friends till they hardly know whereabouts the Seat of their Sensitive faculty is , or what is become of that humour which used to reflect the Idea's of the Imagination upon the 〈◊〉 ; and discover unto Friends Castles in the Air , Monsters in the Sky , and Constellations on the Earth : I say this is the time when our poor Friends ( who are in the Custody , and under the Cure of those Cruel wretches ) are masserated and mangled , that they have not the benefit of seeing and discovering those things , which we who are yet out of their wicked hands have freedom to do . And therefore , O Penelope ! I will declare unto thee , what happened unto me about the Seventh Day of the Sixth Month , which last passed over us . It came to pass that I was at a silent Meeting , where were many Friends who were in great pain of mind ; Yea , and their thoughts strugled mightily within them , as if they had been ready for the birth : But , behold ! not one of us had strength to bring forth our thoughts , or ( as I may speak ) to Midwife them into words ; so that in this state we waited there for several hours , sometimes folding our Arms , groaning , and goggling at one the other , until at length we parted , and every one returned unto his own place . And it came to pass that sitting down in one side of my Garden , and viewing the little Worms that were laying up their Stores for their Winter-provision , suddenly there was a mighty noise within my head , much like the rumbling of a violent storm at a little distance , and a great weight seemed to rest upon my head , which grew heavier and heavier , and the noise encreased more and more ; And I called unto Margaret my Wife , and said unto her , Woman , come thee hither unto me ; and she hastned , and came unto me : but when she drew near unto me , she cried out , saying , Who art thou ? and I answered , and said unto her , I am Robert thy husband ; how comes it that thou dost not know me ? And she said unto me , Tarry a little , and I will fetch the mirrour out of our Chamber ; for I am apt to think thee may'st hardly know thy self : So she brought with her the Mirrour which was hanged against the Wall of the Chamber ; and I cast mine Eyes towards it ▪ and behold ! there issued out on the top of my head two branches in the appearance of mighty beams ; and they waxed higher and higher : And I said unto her , Woman , what hast thou done , that my head is thus encumbred ? And she answered , and said unto me , Robert , what meanest thee by saying so unto me ? Didst thou ever understand that the wife was the occasion of a Wind-mill's springing up out of her Husband's head ? And I said unto her , How ! a Wind-mill ? and she answered , and said , Yea a Wind-mill : And again I cast mine Eyes towards the Mirrour , and behold the form of a Wind-mill shewed it self on the top of my head ; and that which had seemed like two beams , appeared now to be the Fans of the Mill , and the Mill went round with great noise ; and it seemed unto me as if a great quantity of Meal ( which was grinding in the Mill ) issued forth at my Nose , and fell upon the ground : And again I called unto Margaret , and said unto her , Woman , get thee a Vessel that may receive the Meal which falleth to the ground , and preserve it for the use of the Family : But she answered unto me , and said , Thee art in some Trance or Vision , for there appeareth unto me nothing like the Flour of Wheat issuing from thy Nostrils ; but there is somewhat of a slimy matter , as if thee hadst caught Cold in thy head ; And I said unto her , What then is become of the Wind-mill ? and she said unto me , Neither doth any such thing appear unto me , but it seemeth wholly to be taken away . During all this time I saw many strange and wonderful things . There appeared unto me as it were fourteen Parrots , and as many Parraquetto's , and they sate round in Company together , and they altered their appearance , and had upon them the resemblance of Friends when Ass-sembled together at Bull-and-Mouth . They were silent for a long time ; at length they began to hold forth all at once , which had almost deafned me ; so that I could no more understand a word they said , than if one of our Brethren had been Edifying ; and notwithstanding they appeared in the Figure of Friends , yet they retained the Voices of Parrots . In a very short space after they assumed another Figure , putting on the resemblance of a Flock of Geese , whereof some were white , and some gray , and the noise of the Gaggle which they made far exceeded the Clatter of the Parrots : At length they made towards a great water , which appeared unto me as if it had been the Ocean ; and getting upon the water , they swom away in a whole Colony , until I could no longer keep them in view . I have understood concerning thee , that thee art a wise Woman , and understandest the Interpretation of Dreams and Visions ; and likewise thee being one of us who are called Friends , I was the more free to set the whole matter before thee , and to desire ( if thee thinkest fit ) the Interpretation thereof ; for I have great thoughts of heart concerning this matter . Neither may I forget to acquaint thee , that , though the appearance of the Wind-mill ceaseth , yet the rumbling continues with me , and I am apt to think will never get out of my head as long as I live . Margaret my Wife sendeth Greetings unto thee . Fare thee well , Thy Will-a-wisp Friend , R. Maggotpate . From the Wind-mill Place , in the Calends of Midsummer-moon . Another Witticism , whereby it may appear that Friends do not want Talents . IT happened that some Persons of Quality had appointed a Dancing-Ball , and a certain Friend Dining with them that day , it was agreed upon amongst the Women , that Friend should be had to the Ball that night ; whereupon ( Friend being somewhat inclinable to the wet kind ) he was prevailed withal to continue with them all the Afternoon , and wanted not his share of refreshment of the Creature called Wine , so that he began to be flexible as to the point of Complaisance ▪ ●●and when the Coach was ready , Friend was prevailed upon to go with them and see the Ball , where he was told many pretty Ladies would be present ; and being come to the place , Friend was seated very much to his advantage , to observe the Company and the Dances : At length a certain Lady ( having on a Mask ) came and took Friend by the hand , ( and had privately hinted a Tune to the Musick ; ) Friend demanded what she meant by calling him forth , declaring , that he never understood what a Dance was ; but the Lady would by no means excuse him , and Friend was held fast by the hand , and managed by the Lady , sometimes following her leading up , sometimes falling back , till the Room was filled with Laughter . Likewise another . Two Friends meeting in the Street , after staring one the other in the face , and passing some half a dozen groans , which seemed to presage some evil tidings ; quoth one of them , Dost thee hear that Friend Susanna is fallen — and there made a pause , to fetch up another groan ; Alas ! said the other , Is she fallen down Stairs ? or is she fallen from a Horse , or from her Feet ? Nay verily , quoth the other , she is fallen with Child ; Ha! ha ! replied he , Was it by one of us , or by one of the wicked ? To the which ( the other replying , By one of us ) said he , Yea ! there may be some comfort in that , that the Light may spread the farther : And thee knowest Lambs will be playing . And another also . A Gentleman that had some acquaintance amongst the people called Friends , happened one day to invite a Friend ( who was a Country-man ) and his Wife to dine with him ; and after Dinner told them he would now give them a sight of the Rarities , that they might be able to give an account to their Friends , when they came home , of what they had seen ; they discovered no dissatisfaction at what he said , but soon accepted the courteous offer ; and accordingly the Gentleman took them to see the Tomb● in Westminster-Abby , which had very near raised the Old man in them ; for Friend was ever and anon in great fumigation against the Iaols ( as he called them , ) and had much ado to forbear declaring against them in the very place ; for it cost him many a groan to suppress his resentments ; sometimes hauking , then spitting and blasting up the Eggs of his Eyes to the Cieling as if he doubted it were falling upon them ; the Gentleman could not forbear smiling within himself , to observe how uneasie Friend was , and the many touches he gave his Cloak and the wretched faces that were made , and all to be gone out of the habitation of those vain Creatures , with their Pagan garbs and gildings : The Gentleman after took them to the Tavern ; where it was very pleasant to observe what pains Friend took to wipe the sweat off from his Face , occasioned by the warmth of his Zeal ; he could hardly admit of a Glass of Wine until he had born his Testimony ●gainst them , for almost half an hour . The Gentleman ( seeing this work so kindly ) determined to put one trick more upon Friend , and to give him further occasion to enlarge upon the Point , and accordingly took Friend and his Wife to a Play-house ; when Friend was come at the door ( seeing many Coaches , and a great croud of Footmen ) Prithee ( said he to the Gentleman ) whose House is this ? The Gentleman whisper'd him , A foreign Ambassadors , which made Friend desirous to go farther ; so the Gentleman privately clapt the Ticket-money into the Box-keeper's hand , and led them into the Eighteen-peny Gallery : It happened to be O Edippus that was Acted , and the House was very full . Friend spent a considerable time in staring at the People and the Scenes , but especially the Actors , who were dressed after a most Idolatrous manner ; and Friend had just entertained the form of an Idol-Chapel in his Imagination , when he asked the Gentleman what place that was ? To which he replied , ( whispering ) the Chapel : But then ! no sooner was that word out , but Friend fell into a most violent Agitation , pulling the brims of his broad-brimn'd Hat , rubbing his Ears and his Forehead with his Pocket-napkin , 'till they began to glow again ; drawing his Wife back by the Sl●eve , ●ho leaned a little forward to encrease her wonderment : Sometimes he would be tweaking the Gentleman by the Coat to have him gone ; saying , 'Prithee let us get out of this filthy place ▪ to which the Gentleman replied ( whispering , ) They have not done yet : Friend stood gaping and trembling as if he had been in a Trance ; At last his Wife espied the blazing Stars in the Scene , and immediately shriek'd out , laying both her Arms about her Husband's Neck , and hanging her weight upon him : Alas , quoth she , look up , Robert ! look up ! the Day of Judgment is come , and we shall be slain here amongst the wicked ! The People round thought the Woman had been in a Fit , and 't is supposed that either She or Friend Robert dropt some Aromatick , for the Company were fain to stop their Noses , or smell to the Snush-box : Then they made way , and Friend and his Wife had an opportunity of conveying themselves out of the frightful place . The Gentleman went with them to the door , and having put them into a Coach , he left them to ruminate upon the Astonishing sights they had seen ; and returned , and sate out the rest of the Play. CHAP. XIV . Treating of Friends familiarity with the Creature . TO what purpose is all the thing called Breeding or Education in the World bestowed upon Man or Woman , if by a sullen or stately reservedness the rest of Mankind are deprived of the benefit thereof ? I say , what availeth it if a Merchant , or a Gentleman , ( as they are called ) shall give his Son the Education of the Vniversity , or his Daughter that of the best Boarding-Schools about Town ; if after all that charge , and ( it may be ) an excellent Improvement under it ) these extraordinary qualified persons shall confine themselves to their Clossets , or by some other means tie themselves up from the Conversation of others ? Who can admire , or be in love with those Endowments , which they never have an opportunity to know ? Therefore it is an open and familiar way of Access and Communication that gives persons the advantages of knowing and being known to one another , and a condescending and mixing with Company , that discovers as w●● the Endowments , as the Nature and Temper of People . And though the rest of the World have unjustly stained Friends for being of a morose , sullen , and reserved way and temper , yet those that have had opportunities of Converse with them , and of looking through the disguise of the Yea-and-Nay Profession , have found Friends have not been shy of laying themselves open , even in ways of uncommon and extraordinary Familiarities : Or else how should the Butcher ever have thought to have found Friend W. in bed with his Wife , at a time when the Butcher was at a Market two miles from his House ? It is not much amiss to relate the passage , though the Neighbours are well enough acquainted with it . Friend William very well knowing and understanding the times and seasons when the Butcher's business obliged him to be from home , had frequently had Inclinations to be a little inward ( as one may say ) with the Woman called his Wife , and accordingly was not wanting to make divers visits and applications upon that occasion● : In some of which he happened to lay himself so open , that the Butcher had sufficient Intimation , that there was some familiarity ( as they call it ) between Friend and his Wife ▪ and that this Correspondence was managed chiefly at the times when he was at Market . Whereupon the Butcher took occasion to drop home from Market ( one day ) sooner by some hours than was usual ; and behold ! Friend was just coming off the bed from taking a little repose even at the time as the Butcher came into the Yard ; and thereupon Friend said hastily unto Rebecca ( who was the Butcher's ●ife ) Arise thee quickly , for behold thy Husband is in the Yard ; and come and let us sit down and commune together in a way of familiarity , that when he cometh in , he may not find wherewithal to blame us ; so Rebecca came and sate her down upon a Stool in the midst of the Room , and Friend William sate upon a Bench at some distance ; their discourse was about matters relating to the Yea and-Nay Perswasion , upon which point Friend was Holding-forth with great heat of Argumentation : The Butcher tarried some time in the passage , and heard the discourse was altogether about matters relating to the Light within ; at length coming into the Room , and finding them at such a modest distance , he hardly knew how to put himself into a Passion ; but saluted Friend in courteous manner ( saying ) William , how dost do ? To which Friend replied ( simperingly ) How is it with thee ? After some time the Butcher enquired what occasion had brought him that way at that time ? To which Friend answered , I have at some times had Conversation with thy Wife , and finding her to be Inclined to the Light , I reckon it not amiss to have discourse with her in a way of familiar Communication ; But if thee findest fault with this matter , behold thy Wife is before thee , and let her speak unto thee . But the Butcher ( finding he had m●ssed the main business he came home about ) dissembled the matter , and Friend 〈◊〉 me to no damage , by reason of his familiarity . But it happened that some time after , upon another Market-day , the Butcher took an occasion to go to Friend's house , about the time that William and Rebecca used to be familiar ; and finding William's Wife within , enquired concerning her Husband William ; She could give him no account of the matter , but that he seldom was at home on that day , but constantly walked forth ( as he said ) to Hold-forth at a silent Meeting . The Butcher , being a little nettled at this constant sort of Holding-forth , gave the Woman 〈◊〉 understand that there was great familiarity between her Husband William , and his Wife Rebecca , and said he had found them together , and was come to acquaint her with it , and to offer ( if she thought fit ) to requite their Correspondence in a way of familiarity with her ; The Woman made no scruple of complying , so that a familiarity was contracted betwixt her and the Butcher ; and the Butcher so well approved of his new acquaintance , that he sent for Twelve-peny-worth of Cyder to rejoice in the Correspondence he had obtained . But behold ! as they were enjoying themselves , and the Creature , Friend William cometh into the Room , being returned from Holding-forth , and said unto his Wife , O , Woman ! what doest thou ? And she answered and said unto him , I am entring into a way of familiarity with our Neighbour the Butcher , even as thou 〈◊〉 entred into a familiarity with his Wife Rebecca . Whereupon William sate him down , and groaning 〈◊〉 in his mind , said thus , I have pulled this Evil 〈◊〉 my self ; and it is just with our Neighbour the 〈◊〉 to requite my visitings of his Wife , by ha●● Conversation with mine . And the Wi●e of Wil●●● Conceived , and brought forth a Son , and called 〈◊〉 Name Kill●Calf in memory of the Butcher . ●hen pray mark this , and do not slight it , Friendship with Friendship is requited : Though Friend William lost his Holdings forth ▪ The Butcher had his Peny's-worth . FINIS . Notes, typically marginal, from the original text Notes for div A56861-e3670 * A notable heathen Word . Notes for div A56861-e4680 * Another word of the Beasts Language . Notes for div A56861-e6590 * Wicked Words . * Wicked Words . Notes for div A56861-e9050 * A kind of heathen Word .