The bachelers banquet: or A banquet for bachelers vvherein is prepared sundry daintie dishes to furnish their tables, curiously drest, and seriously serued in. Pleasantly discoursing the variable humours of vvomen, their quicknesse of wittes, and vnsearchable deceits. 1604 Approx. 165 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 40 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2003-05 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A20038 STC 6477 ESTC S115691 99850909 99850909 16146 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A20038) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 16146) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1475-1640 ; 1628:06) The bachelers banquet: or A banquet for bachelers vvherein is prepared sundry daintie dishes to furnish their tables, curiously drest, and seriously serued in. Pleasantly discoursing the variable humours of vvomen, their quicknesse of wittes, and vnsearchable deceits. Dekker, Thomas, ca. 1572-1632, attributed name. La Sale, Antoine de, b. 1388?, attributed name. Tofte, Robert, 1561-1620, attributed name. [78] p. Printed by T. C[reede] and are to be solde by T. Pauier, London : 1604. Sometimes attributed to Thomas Dekker, but more probably by Robert Tofte. An adaptation of "Les quinze joies de mariage", which is sometimes attributed to Antoine de La Sale. Printer identified by STC. Signatures: A-K⁴ (-K4). Reproduction of the original in the British Library. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. 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Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng Women -- Humor -- Early works to 1800. 2002-11 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2003-01 Apex CoVantage Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2003-02 John Latta Sampled and proofread 2003-02 John Latta Text and markup reviewed and edited 2003-04 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion THE BACHELERS Banquet : OR A Banquet for Bachelers : VVherein is prepared sundry daintie Dishes to furnish their Tables , curiously drest , and seriously seruedin . Pleasantly discoursing the variable humors of VVomen , their quicknesse of wittes , and vnsearchable deceits . View them well , but taste not , Regard them well , but waste not . LONDON Printed by T. C. and are to be solde by T. Pauier , 1604. The Batchelars Banquet , Or a Banquet for Batchelars : wherin is prepared sundry dishes to furnish their Table : Curiously dresh , and seriously serued in . CHAP. I. The humor of a young wife new married . IT is the naturall inclination of a young gallant , in the pleasant prime , and flower of his florishing youth , being fresh , lusty , iocond , to take no other care , but to imploy his mony to buy gay presents for pretty Lasses , to frame his gréen wits in penning loue ditties , his voice to sing them sweetly , his wandring eyes to gaze one the fairest dames , and his wanton thoughts to plot meanes for the speedy accomplishment of his wished desires , according to the compasse of his estate . And albeit his parents or some other of his kindred , doe perhaps furnish him with necessary maintenance , so that he wants nothing , but liues in all ease and delight , yet cannot this content him , or satisfie his vnexperienced mind : for although he dayly see many married men , first lapt in lobbes pound , wanting former libertie , and compassed round in a cage of many cares , yet notwithstanding being ouer-ruled by selfe will , and blinded by folly : he suppose them therein to haue the fulnes of their delight , because they haue so neare them the Image of content , Venus starre gloriously blazing vpon them , I meane a daintie faire wife , brauely attired , whose apparell perhaps is not yet paide for , ( howsoeuer to draw their husbands into a fooles paradice ) they make him beleeue , that their father or mother haue of their cost and bounty affoorded it . This lustie youth ( as I earst said ) seeing them already in this maze of bitter sweetnes , he goes round about , turmoyling himselfe in seeking an entrance , and taking such paines to finde his owne paine , that in the end , in he gets , when for the hast he makes , to haue a taste of these supposed delicates , he hath no leisure to thinke , or no care to prouide those things that are hereunto requisite . The iolly yonker being thus gotten in , doth for a time swim in delight , and hath no desire at all to wind him selfe out againe , till time and vse , which makes all things more familiar and lesse pleasing , doe qualifie this humor , then glutted with satietie , or pinched with penury , he may perhaps begin to see his follie , and repent as well his fondnes , as his too much forwardnes , but all too late , he must haue patience perforce : his wife must be maintained according to her degrée , and withall ( cōmonly it happes she carie the right stomacke of a woman ) slender maintenance will not serue , for as their mindes mount aboue their estates , so commonly wil they haue their abillements . And if at a feast or some other gosseps méeting whereunto she is inuited , she sée any of the companie gaily attyred for cost , or fashion , or both , & chiefly the latter , for generally women do affect nouelties , she forthwith moues a question in her selfe , why she also should not be in like sort attyred , to haue her garments cut after the new fashion as well as the rest , and answers it with resolution , that she will , and must haue the like : Awaiting onely fit time and place , for the moning and winning of her husband therevnto , of both which she will make such choice , that when she speakes she will be sure to speede : obseruing her opportunitie when she might take her husband at the most aduantage , which is cōmonly in the bed , the gardaine of loue , the state of marriage delights , & the life wherin the weaker sexe hath euer the better : when therefore this lustie gallant would 〈◊〉 his desired pleasures , for which cause he chiefly ran wilfully into the perill of Lobs pound , then squeamishly she begins thus , saying ; I pray you husband let me alone , trouble me not , for I am not well at ease : which he hearing presently makes this reply . Why my sweet hart what ailes you , are you not well ? I pray thée wife tell me , where lies thy griefe ? or what is the cause of your discontent : wherevpon the vile woman fetching a déepe sigh , makes this answere . O husband God help me , I haue cause enough to gréeue , and if you knew all you would say so : but alas it is in vaine to tell you any thing , seeing that whatsoeuer I say , you make but light reckning of it : and therfore it is best for me to bury my sorrowes in silence , being out of hope to haue any help at your hands . Iesus wife ( saith he ) why vse you these words , is my vnkindnes such that I may not knowe your griefes ? tell me I say what is the matter ? In truth husband it were to no purpose , for I knowe your custome well inough ; as for my words , they are but wast wind in your eares , for how great soeuer my griefe is , I am assured you will but make light of it , and thinke that I speake it for some other purpose . Goe too wife , saith her husband , tell it me , for I wil know it . Well husband , if you will needs , you shalt you know on Thursday last , I was sent for , and you wi●…led me to goe to Mistresse M. churching , and when I came thither I found great cheare , & no smal companie of wiues , but the meanest of them all was not so ill attired as I , and surely I was neuer so ashamed of my selfe in my life , yet I speak it not to praise my selfe : but it is well knowne , and I bare boldly say , that the best woman there came of no better stocke then I. But alas I speake not this for my selfe , for God wot I passe not how meanely I am apparelled , but I speake it for your credit & my friends . Why wife , saith he , of what calling & degrée were those you speak of ? Truly good husband ( saith she ) the meanest that was there , being but of my degrée , was in her gowné with trunck sléeues , her vardingale , her turkie grograin kirtle ; her taffety hat with a gold band , and these with y e rest of her attire , made of y e newest fashiō , which is knowe the best : whereas I poore wretch had on my thread-bare gowne , which was made me so long agoe , against I was married , besides that it was now too short for me , for it is I remember since it was made aboue thrée yeares agoe , since which time I am growne very much , and so changed with cares and griefes , that I looke farre older then I am : Trust me I was so ashamed , being amongst my neighbours , that I had not the heart to looke vp , but that which gréeued me most was , when mistresse Luce. B and mistres T. say openly that it was a shame both for you and me , that I had no better apparell . Tush wise ( quoth the good-man ) let them say what they list , we are neuer a whit the worse for their words , we haue enough to doe with our money though we spend it not in apparell : you knowe wife when we met together , we had no great store of houshold stuffe , but were fain to buy t●… afterward by some and some , as God sent mony , and yet you see we want many things that is necessary to be had : besides the quarter day is neere , and my Landlord you know will not forbeare his rent : moreouer you see how much it costs me in law about the recouering of the Tenement which I should haue by you , God send me to get it quickly , or els I shall haue but a bad bargaine of it , for it hath already almost cost me as much as it is worth . At these words his wiues coller begins to rise , whereupon she makes h●… this answere . Iesus God ( saith she ) when you haue nothing else to hit me in the téeth withall , yée twit me with the Tenement : but it is my fortune . Why how now wife saith her husband , are you now angry for nothing ▪ Nay I am not angry , I must be content with that which God hath ordained for me : but I wis the time was , when I might haue bene better aduised , there are some yet liuing that would haue bene glad to haue me in my smock , whom you know well enough , to be propper young men , and therewithall wise and wealthy , but I verily suppose I was bewitcht to match with a man that loues me not , though I purchased the ill will of all my friends for his sake , this is all the good that I haue gotten thereby : I may truly say I am the most vnhahpy woman in the world : doe you thinke that Law. Tom. & N. M. ( who were both suters to me ) doe kéepe their wiues so ? no by cochs body , for I know the worst cloathes that they cast off , is better then my very best , which I weare on the cheifest dayes in the yeere : I know not what the cause is that so many good women die , but I would to God that I were dead too , that I might not troble you no more seeing I am such an eie sore vnto you . Now by my faith wife saith he , you say not well , there is nothing that I thinke too good for you , if my abillitie can compasse it . But you knowe our estate , we must doe as we may , & not as we would , yet be of good cheare , and turne to me , and I will straine my selfe to please you , in this or any other thing . Nay for Gods sake let me alone , I haue no mind on such matters , and if you had no more desire therto then I , I promise you , you wou'd neuer tuch me . No wife ( saith he ) hoping so with a iest to make hee mery , by my honestie I sweare , I verily thinke that if I were dead , you would not be long without another husband . No maruaile sure saith she , I lead such a good life with you now . By my christian soule I sweare , there should neuer man kisse my lipps againe . And if I thought I should liue long with you , I would vse meanes to make my selfe away : herewithall she puts finger in the eye making shew as though she wept . Thus plaies she with the sillie sot her husband ( meaning nothing lesse then to doe as she saies ) while he poore foole is in mind both wel and ill apaid , he thinkes himselfe well , because he imagines hee of a cold constitution , and therefore exceeding chast : he thinkes himselfe ill , to sée her fained teares , for that he verily supposes she loues him , which doth not a little gréeue him , being so kind and tender hearted . Therefore he vseth all meanes possible to make her quiet , neither wil he giue her ouer , till he hath effected it . But she prosecuting her former purpose , which she hath alreadie set in so faire a forwardnes , makes as though she were nothing moued with his gentle perswasions ; Therefore to crosse him , she gets her vp betimes in the morning , sooner a great deale then she was wont , pouting and lowring all the day , & not giuing him one good word . But when night comes , and they againe both in bed , laying her selfe sullenly downe , and continuing still silent , the good man harkens whether she sléep or no , feeles if she be wel couered or not , he softly plucks vp the cloaths vpon her , lapping her warme , being dubble diligent to please her ying all this while winking , noting his kindnes and carefulnes towards her , séemes on a suddaine to awake from a sound sléepe , gruntling and ●…ssing under the shéets , giuing him occasion thereby thus to begin . How now swéet hart , what are you a sléepe ? A sléepe ( saith she ) I faith sir no : a troubled mind can neuer take good rest . Why womā are you not quie yet ? No doubt ( saith she ) you care much whether The or no. By lady wife , and so I doe : and since yesternight I haue bethought me ( hauing well considered your words ) that it is very meete and requisite , that you should be better furnished with apparell then heretofore you haue bene , for indéed I must confesse thy cloaths are too simple . And therfore I mean against my cousin M. wedding ( which you know wil be shortly ) that you shall haue a new gowne , made on the bell fashion , with all things sutable thereunto , in such sort that the best woman in the parish shall not passe you . Nay ( quoth she ) God willing I mean to go to no weddings this twelue moneths , for the goodly credit I got by the last . By my faith ( ●…aith he ) but you shall : what ? you must not be so headstrong and selfe-wild . I tell you if I say the word , you shall goe , and you shall want nothing that you aske or require . That I aske ? alas husband ( quoth she ) I aske nothing , neither did I speake this for any desire that I haue to goe braue : trust me for mine o●…ne part I care not if I neuer stirre abroad , saue onely to church : but what I said was vpon the spéeches which were there vset , and such other like words , which my gossip N. told me that she had also heard in company where she was . With these words y e good kind foole her husband is netted , for on the one side he considers his sundry other occasions to vse meney , and his small store thereof , which is perhaps so stender , that his single purse cannot extempery change a double pistolet . And so ill bested is he of houshold stuffe , that perhaps the third part is not a sufficiēt pawne for so much money , as this new suite of his wiues will stand him in . But on the other side he waighes her discontent , the report of neighbours spéeches , and lastly , how good a wife he hath of her : how chast , how louing , how religious , whereof the kind Asse hath such an opinion , that he thankes God with all his heart , for blessing him with such a Iewell : In this thought he resolues that all other things set aside , he must and will content her . And here with all he sets his braines a fresh on worke , to consider how best he may compasse it : And in this humor he spends the whole night without sléepe , in continuall thought . And it comes to passe that the wife perceiuing to what a point she hath brought her purpose , doth not a little reioyce and smile in her sléeue to sée it . The next morning by the breake of day the poore man gets vp , who for care and thought could take no rest all night , and goes presently to the Drapers , of 〈◊〉 he takes , vp cloth for thrée moneths time , paying for it after an 〈◊〉 rate , by reason of their forbearance , and in like sort makes prouision for the rest ; or perhaps because he would buy it at a better rate , he pawnes for readie mony the lease of his house , or some faire péece of plate ( which his grandfather bought , and his father charily kéeping ) left for him , which now he is enforced to part with , to furnish thereby his wines pride : and hauing thus dispatched his busines , he returnes home with a merrie heart , and shewes his wife what he had done : who being now sure of all , begins to curse the first inuentors of pride , and excesse in apparell : saying , fye vpon it , what pride is this ? but I pray you husband , doe not say hereafter , that I made you lay out your mony in this néedles sort , for I profest that I haue no delight or desire to goe thus garishly : If I haue to couer my body and kéepe me warme it contents me . The good man hearing his wife say so , doth euen leape for ioy , thinking all her words Gospell , and therefore presently he sets the Taylor a worke , willing him to dispatch out of hand , that his wife may be braue so soone as may be . She hauing thus obtained her purpose , doth inwardly triumph for very ioy , howsoeuer outwardly she doth dissemble . And whereas before she vaunted , that she could find in her heart to kéepe alwaies within doores , she will be sure now euery good day to goe abroad , and at each feast and Gossips méeting to be a continuall guest , that all may see her brauerie , and how well she doth become it , for which cause she also comes euery Sunday daily to the Church , that there she may sée and be séene , which her husband thinke●… she doth of méere deuotion . But in the meane while the time runs on , and the day comes , wherein the poore man must pay his creditors , which being vnable to doe , he is at length arrested , and after due procéeding in law , he hath an execution serued vpon him , or else his pawne is forfaited , and by either of both he is almost vtterly vndone . Then must his fine wife of force vaile her peacocks plumes , and full againe to her old byas , kéeping her house against her will , because she could not be furnisht with gay attire according to her minde . But God knoweth in what miserie the ●…llie man doth liue , being daily vered with her brawling and scolding , exclaiming against him , that all the house doth ring thereof , and in this sort she begins her fagaries . Now cursed be the day that euer I sawe thy face , and a shame take them that brought me first acquainted with thée : I would to God I had either died in my cradle , or gone to my graue when I went to be married with thée . Was euer woman of my degrée and birth brought to this beggerie ? Or any of my bringing vp kept thus basely , and brought to this shame 〈◊〉 I which little knew what labour meant , must now toyle and tend the house as a drudge , hauing neuer a coate to my bac●…e , or scant hansome hose to my legs , and yet all little enough , whereas I wis I might haue had twentie good mariages , in the meanest of which I should haue liued at ease and pleasure , without being put to any paine , or suffering an●… penurie . Wretch that I am , why doe I liue ? now would to God I were in my graue alreadie , for I am wearie of the world , wearie of my life , and wearie of all . Thus doth she daily complaine , and lay all the fault of her fall on him which least deserued it , nothing remembring her owne pride , in coueting things aboue her estate or abilitie , her misgouernment , and daily gadding with her Gossips to banquets and Brid●…les , when she should haue lookt to the house , and followed her owne busines at home . And his follie is also such , that being blinded with Dotage , ( through too much louing her , ) cannot perceiue that shée is the cause of all this euill , of all the cares , griefes , and thoughts , which perplere and torture him , and yet nothing cuts him so much as this , to sée her so f●…ish and vnquiet , when if he can at any time somewhat pacifie , then is his heart somewhat at rest . Thus doth the sillie wretch tosse and turmoyle himselfe in Lobs pound , wrapt in a kinde of pleasing woe , but of the which hee hath neither power , nor will to winde himselfe ; but therein doeth consume the remnant of his Languishing life , and miserablie ends his dayes . CHAP. II. The humour of a Woman , pranked vp in braue Apparell . THe nature of a Woman enclined to another kinde of humor , ( which is this ) when the Wife séeing her selfe brauely Apparelled , and that she is therewith faire and comely ( or if shée be not ) yet thinking her selfe so ( as Women are naturally giuen to sooth themselues , ) shee doth as I saide before , hunt after Feasts and Solemne méetings , wherewith her Husband perhaps is not very well pleased ; which shée perceiuing , the more to bleare his Eyes , shee takes with her some Kinswoman , or Gossip , or possible some lustie Gallant , of whome shee claimes Kinred , though in very déede there be no such matter , but onely a smooth colour to deceiue her Husband : And perchaunce to induce him the sooner to belieue it , her Mother ( which is priuie to the match , ) will not stiche to say , and sweare it is so ; Yet sometime the Husband to preuent his Wiues gadding , will raine some let , as want of Horses , or other like hinderances ; Then presently the Gossip or Kinswoman ( of whome before I spake , will thus solemnely assault him . Belieue mee Gossip , I haue as little pleasure , as who hath least , in going abroade , for I wi●…e I had not so much businesse to doe this Twelue moneths as I haue at this instant : yet should I not goe to this Wedding , being so kindely bidden , I knowe the young Bride would take it in very ill part : Yea , and ( I may say to you ) so would our Neighbours , and others our Friends , which will bee there , who would verily imagine , we ●…pe away for some other cause : and were it not for this , I protest I would not stirre out of doores , neither would my Cousen your Wife haue any desire to goe thither : thus much I can truely witnesse , that I neuer knewe any woman take lesse delight in such things then your Wife ; or which being abroad , will make more haste to bee at home againe . The sillie man her Husband , beeing vanquished by these wordes , and no longer able to denie their request , demaunds onely what other Women doe appoint to goe , and who shall man them ? Marrie Syr , ( saith shée ) that shall my Cousen H. And besides your Wife and I , there goes my Kins-woman T. and her Mother , mistresse H. and her Aunte : my Unckle T. and his Brother be mette with both their Wiues : Mistresse C. my next Neighbour : and to conclude , all the Women of account in this stréete : ( I dare boldly say , ) that honester companie there cannot bee , though it were to conueye a Kings Daughter . Now it ofte chaunceth that this smooth tongued Oratri●… who pleades thus quaintly with womans Arte , must haue for her paines a Gowne-cloth , a Iewell , or some other recompence , if she preuaile with the good man , and cunningly play her part . He after some pause ( perhaps ) will replie in this sort ; Gossip , I confesse it is very good company , but my wife hath now great businesse at home , and besides she vseth to goe very much abroade , yet for this time I am content she shall goe ; But I pray you , Dame ( quoth he ) be at home betimes . His wife séeing that her gossip had gottē leaue , makes as if she cares not for going foorth , saying : By my Faith man I haue something else to doe , then to goe to a Brideall at this present : what , wee haue a great Houshold , I rude seruants ( God wot ) whose idlenes is such , that they will not doe any thing , if a bodies backe be turnde : for it is an olde Prouerbe : ( When the ●…atte is away , the Mouse will play . ) And therefore Gossip holde you content , we must not be altogether careles , nor set so much by our pleasure , to negled out profite ; And therefore hold me excused , for I cannot now be spared , nor I will not goe , that is flat . Nay good Gossip ( saith the other ) seeing your Husband hath giuen you leaue , let vs haue your companie this once , and if it bee but for my sake , such a chaunce as this comes not euery day . With that the good man taking the olde Gy●… aside , whispers her thus in hereare : were it not Gossip for the confidence I repose in you , I protest shee should not stirre out of doores at this time . Now as I am an honest woman ( quoth she ) and of my credit Gossip you shall not néede so doubt any thing . Thus to Horse they get , and away they spurre , with a merrie gallop , laughing to themselues , mocking and flowting the silly man for his simplicitie : the one saying to the other , that hee had a shreinde Iealous braine , but it should auaile him nothing . Tush ( saith the young woman ) it is an olde saying , He had neede of a long spoone that will eare with the Diuell ; ) and shee of a good w●…te , that would preuent the Forie of a jealous foole : and with this and the like talke , they passe the 〈◊〉 till they come to the place appointed , where they méete with lustie Gallants , who ( paraduenture ) had at the former feast made the match , and were come thither of purpose so strike vp the bargaine . But howsoeuer it is , this lustie Lasse lackes no good cheare , nor any kindnesse which they can shew her . Imagine now how forward she will be to shelue her best skill in Dauncing and singing , and how lightly shee will afterward estéeme her Husband : being thus courted and commended by a crewe of lustie Gallants , who séeing her so brauely attired , and graced with so swéete and smooth a tongue , so sharpe a wit , so amiable a countenance , will each striue to excéede other , in seruing , louing , and pleasing her : for the gallant carriage and wanton demeanour of so beautifull a péece , cannot chuse but incourage a méere Coward , and heate ( if not enflame ) a Frozen heart : One assayes her with sugred tearmes , and some pleasing discourse , painting foorth his affection with Louers eloquence : Another giues her a priuie Token , by straining her softe han●… ; or treading on her prettie foote ; Another Eyes her with a piercing and pittifull looke , making his countenance his faucies Herrold : and perhaps the third which is most likely to speed ) be●…ows vpon her a gold Ring , a Diamond , a Ruby , or some such like costly toye : By all which aforesaide tokens , she may well conceiue their meanings , ( if she haue any conceite at all , ) and sometimes it so falles out , that they fall in where they should not ; and shee stepping somewhat aside , doth so shrewdly straine her honestie , that hardly or neuer the griefe can be cured . But to procéede , this ouergorgious wantonning of his Wife , brings the poore man behind hand , and doth withall cause a greater inconuenience ; for in the end by one meanes or other , either through her too much boldnes , or her Louers want of warinesse , the matter at length comes to light , whereof some Friend or Kinsman giues him notice . Hee being tickled by this bad report , thereupon searching further , findes it true , or gathers more likelyhood of suspition , and that presently infects his thoughts with Iealousie , into which mad tormenting humor , no wise man will euer fall ; for it is an euill both extreame and endles , especially ( if it be iustly conceiued , vpon the wiues knowne leaudres , for then there is no hope of curing . Shée on the other side ( séeing this , and receiuing for her loose life , many bitter spéeches ) doth closely kéepe on her olde course , but now more for spight then pleasure ; for it is in vaine to thinke that she will reclaime her selfe . And if hee ( hoping by constraint to make her honest ) fall to beating her , ( though hee use neuer so much seueritie , ) hee shall but kindle so much the more the fire of that leaude Loue , which she beares vnto others : hereon followes a heape of mischieses ; Hée growes carelesse of his busines , letting all things runne to ruine : She on the other side ( becomes shamelesse , ) conuerting into deadly hate the Loue that shee should beare him . Iudge now what a Purgatorie of perplerities the poore man doeth liue in ; and yet for all this , hee is so besotted , that hee séemes to take great pleasure in his paines , and to be so farre in loue with Lo●…s pou●…d , that were he not alreadie in , yet he would make all haste possible to be possessed of the place , there to consume the residue of his life , and miserably end his daies . CHAP. III. The humour of a woman lying in Child-bed . THere is another humor incident to a woman , when her husband sées her belly to grow big ( though peraduenture by the helpe of some other friend ) yet he perswades himselfe , it is a worke of his owne framing : and this bréedes him new cares and troubles , for then must he trot vp and downe day and night , farre and neare , to get with great cost that his wife longs for : if she let fall but a pin , he is diligent to take it vp , least she by stouping should hurt her selfe . She on the other side is so hard to please , that it is a great hap when he fits her humor , in bringing home that which likes her , though he spare no paines nor cost to get it . And oft times through ease and plentie she growes so queasie stomackt , that she can brooke no common meates , but longs for strange and rare things , which whether they be to be had or no , yet she must haue them there is no remedie . She must haue Cherries , though for a pound he pay ten shillings , or gréene Pescods at foure Nobles a pecke : yea , he must take a horse , and ride into the Countrey , to get her greene Codlings , when they are scarcely so big as a scotch button . In this trouble and vexation of mind and body , liues the silly man for fire or seuen moneths , all which time his wife doth nothing but complaine , and hee poore soule takes all the care , rising earely , going late to bed , and to be short , is faine to play both the husband and huswife . But when the time drawes néere of her lying downe , then must he trudge to get Gossips , such as she will appoint , or else all the fatte is in the fire . Consider then what cost and trouble it will be to him , to haue all things fine against the Christning day , what store of Sugar , Biskets , Comphets and Carawapes , Marmalet , and marchpaue , with all kind of swéete suckets , and superstitious banqueting stuffe , with a hundred other odde and needlesse trifles , which at that time must fill the pockets of daintie dames : Besides the charge of the midwife , she must haue her nurse to attend and kéepe her , who must make for her warme broaths , and costly cawdels , enough both for her selfe and her mistresse , being of the minde to fare no worse then she : If her mistresse be fedde with partridge , plouer , woodcocks , quailes , or any such like , the nurse must be partner with her in all these dainties : neither yet will that suffice , but during the whole moneth , she priuily pilfers away the suger , the 〈◊〉 and ginger , with all other spices that comes vnder her kéeping , putting the poore man to such expence , that in a whole reare he can scarcely recouer that one moneths charges . Then euery day after her lying downe will sundry dames visit her , which are her neighbours , her kinswomen , and other her speciall acquaintance , whom the goodman must welcome with all cheerefulnesse , and be sure there be some dainties in store to set before them : where they about some three or foure houres ( or possible halfe a day ) will sit chatting with the Child-wife , and by that time the cups of wine haue merily trold about , and halfe a dozen times moystned their lips with the sweet iuyce of the purple grape : They begin thus one with another to discourse ; Good Lord neighbour , I maruaile how our gossip Frees doth , I haue not seene the good soule this many a day . Ah God helpe her , quoth another , for she hath her hands full of worke , and her heart full of heauinesse : While she drudges all the weeke at home , her husband , like an v●…thrift , neuer leaues running abroad to the Tennis court , and Dicing houses , spending all that euer he hath in such leaud sort : yea , and if that were the worst it is well : But heare you Gossip , there is another matter spoyles all , he cares no more for his wife then for a dog , but kéepes queanes euen vnder her nose . Iesu ! saith another , who would thinke he were such a man , he behaues himselfe so orderly and ciuilly , to all mens sights ? Tush , hold your peace Gossip ( saith the other ) it is commonly seene , the still sowe ●…ates vp all the drasse , he carries a smooth countenance , but a corrupt conscience : That I knowe F. well enough , I will not say he loues mistresse G goe too Gossip 〈◊〉 d●…ke to you Yea and saith another , there goes foule lies if G. himselfe loue not his maide N I can tell you their mouthes will not be stopt with a bushell of wheat that speake it . Then the third fetching a great sigh , saying , by my truth such an other bold Bettresse haue I at home : for neuer giue me credit Gossip , if I tooke her not the other day in close conference with her maister , but I thinke I beswaddeld my maide in such sort , that she will haue small list to doe so againe . Nay Gossip ( saith another ) had it bene to me , that should not haue serued her turne , but I would haue turned the queane out of doores to picke a Sallet : for ●…ot ye what Gossip ? it is ill setting fire and flare together : but I pray you tell me one thing , when saw you our friend mistresse O? now in good see the she is a kind creature , and a very gentle Peat : I promise you I saw her not since you and I dranke a pinte of wine with her in the fish market . ( O Gossip saith the other ) there is a great change since that time , for they haue bene faine to pawne all that euer they haue , and yet God knowes her husband lies still in prison . O the passion of my heart ( saith another ) is all their great and glorious shew come to nothing ▪ good Lord what a world is this ? Why Gossip ( saith another ) it was neuerlike to be otherwise , for they loued euer to goe●…ne ; and fare daintily , and by my faith Gossip , this is not a world for those matters , and thereupon I drinke to you . T is is commonly their communication , where they finde cheate according to their choyce . But if it happen contrarie , that they find not things in such plentie , and good order 〈◊〉 they would wish , then one or other of them will talke to this effect : Trust me Gossip I maruell much , and so doth also our other friends , that your husband is not ashamed to make such small account of you , and this your swéete child . If he be such a ●…iggard at the first , what will he be by that time he hath fiue or six ▪ it doth well appeare he beares but little loue to you : whereas you vouchsaffng to match with him , hath done him more credit then euer had any of his kinred . Before God , saith another , I had rather sée my husbands eyes out then he should serue me so : therefore if you be wise vse him not to it : neither in this sort let him tread you vnder foole : I tell you it is a foule shame for him , and you may be well assured sith he begins thus , that hereafter he will vse you in the same order , if not worse . In good sooth saith the third , it séemes very straunge to me , that a wise woman , and one of such parentage as you are , who as all men knowes is by blood farre his better , can endure to be thus vsed by a base companion : Blame vs not to speake good Gossip , for I protest the wrong that he doth you , doth likewise touch vs , and all other good women that are in yourcase . The Child wife hearing all this , begins to wéepe , saying , Alas Gossip , I know not what to doe , or how to please him ; he is so diuerse and wayward a man , and besides , he thinkes all too much that is spent . ( Gossip he is saith one ) a bande and a naughtie man , and se it is well séene by your vsage . 〈◊〉 my Gossips here present can tell , that when I was marryed to my husband , euery one said that he was so hastie and hard to please that he would kill me with griefe : And indéed I may say to you , I found him crabbed enough : for he began to take vpon him mightily , and thought to haue wrought wonders , yet I haue vsed such meanes , that I haue fained : my young maister , and haue at this present brought him to that passe , that I dare sweare he had rather looss one of his ioynts , then Rangle with me : I will not denie but once or twise hée beate me shrewdly , which I God wot being young and tender tooke in gréeuous part , but what he got by it , let my Gossip T. report , who is yet a woman liuing , and can tell the whole storie : to whom my good man within a while after saide , that I was past remedie , and that he might sooner kill me , then doe any good by beating me , ( and by these ten bones so he should ) but in the ende I brought the matter so about , that I got the bridle into my owne hands , so that I may now say , I doe what I li●…t : for be it right or wrong , if I say it , hée will not gainsay it , ( for by this Golde on my finger , let him doe what he can I will be sure to haue the last word : so that in very déed , if that Women he made vnderlings by their Husbands , the fault is their owne : For ther is not any man aliue , ( be he neuer so churlish ) but his ●…ife may make him quiet and gentle enough , if she haue any wit ; And therefore your Good-man serues you but well enough , sith you will take it so . Belieue me Gossip ( saith another , ) were I in your case , I would giue him such welcome , at his comming home , and ring such a peale of badde wordes in his eares , that hee should haue small ioy to stay the hearing . Thus is the poore Man handled behinde his backe , whiles they make no spare to helpe away with his good Wine and Sugar , ( which he hath prepared , ) whome they for his kindnesse thus ingratefully requite : Yea and now and then hauing their braines well heated , they will not sticke to taunt him to his face : Accusing him of little Loue , and great vnkindnesse to his Wife . Now it doth many tunes so chaunce , that hee hauing bene foorth to prouide such meates as shee would haue , he commeth borne ( perhappes at midnight , ) and before hee sitteth downe to rest himselfe , hath a very earnest desire to knowe how his Wife doth , and perchaunce being loath to lye abroade , because of Erpences , trauailes the later , that he may reach to his owne house ; where ( when he is once come , ) hée asketh the Chamber-maide , or else the Nurse , how his Wife doeth : they hauing their Errand before giuen them by their Mistresse , answeres , shee is very ill at ease , and that since his departure shee tasted not one bit of meate , but that towards the Euening she beganne to be a little better , all which be méere Lyes . But the Poore-man hearing these wordes , grieues not a little , though he be all to bemoylde , weary and wet , hauing gone a long iourney , through a hadde and filthie way , vpon some ill paced trotting ●…de , and it may bée is fasting too , yet will he naither eate ●…or drinke , nor ( so much as once sit downe ) till he haue séene his Wife . Then the pratling Idle Nurse , which is not to learne to erpioyte such a péece of Seruice , beginnes to looke verie heaheauily , and to sigh inwardly as though her Mistresse had bene that day at the point of Death , which he seeing , was ●…he more earnest to visit his wife : whom at the entrāce of the Chamber , he heares lye groning to her selfe , and comming to the Beds side , kindly sits downe by her , saying how now my sweet heart , how doest thou ? Ah Husband ( saith she ) I am very ill , nor was I euer so sicke in my life as I haue bene this day . Alas good soule ( saith he ) I am the more sorrie to heare it . I pray thée tell mee where lies thy paine ? Ah Husband ( quoth she ) you know I haue bene weake a long time , and not able to eate any thing . But Wife ( quoth he ) why did you not cause the Nurse to boyle you a Capon , and make a messe of good Broath for you ? So shee did ( saith his wife ) as well as she could , but it did not like me God wote , and by that meanes I haue eaten nothing , since the broath which your selfe made me : Oh me thought that was excellent good . Marie Wife ( saith he ) I will presently make you some more of the same , and you shall eate it for my sake . With all my hart good Husband ( saith shee ) and I shall thinke my selfe highly beholding vnto you . Then trudgeth hee into the Kitchin ; there playes hee the Cooks , burning and broyling himselfe ouer the fire , hauing his eyes ready to be put out with smoake , while hee is busie in making the Broath : what time hee chides with his Maides , calling them beasts and baggages , that knowes not how to doe any thing ; Not so much as make a little broath for a ●…cke body , but he must be faine to doe it him selfe . Then comes downe Mistris Nurse as fine as a farthing Fiddle , in her petticoate and Kirtle , hauing on a white wast-coate , with a Flaunting cambricke ruffe about her necke , who like a Doctris in Facultie , comes thus vpon him . Good Lord Syr , what paines you take , here is no bodie can please our Mistresse but your selfe : I will assure you ( on my credite ) that I doe what I can , yet for my life , I cannot I , any way content her . Moreouer , here came in Mistresse Cot. and Mistresse Con. who did both of them what they could to haue your Wife eate something ; Neuertheles all that they did , could not make her taste one spoonefull of any thing all this liue-long day : I know not what she ayles , I haue kept manie Women in my time , both of worship and 〈◊〉 , ( simple though I stand heere , ) but I neuer knewe any so weake as shee is ; I , I ( quoth he ) you are a companie of cunning Cookes , that cannot make a little Broath as it should be . And by this time the broath being ready , hee brings it straight to his Wife , comforting her with many kind words , praying her to eate for his sake , or to ●…ast a spoonefull or twaine , which she doth , commending it to the Heauens , affirming also , that the Broath which the others made had no good taste in the world , and was nothing worth . The good man hereof beeing not a little proude , biddes them make a good ●…e in his Wiues chamber , charging them to tend her well . And hauing giuen this direction , hee gettes himselfe to Supper , with some colde meate set before him , such as the Gossips left , or his Nurse could spare , and hauing this short pittance hee goes to Bedde full of care . The next morning he gets him vp betimes , and comes verie kindely to know how his Wife doth , who presently pops him in the mouth with a smooth Lye ; saying , that all night she could take no rest till it grewe towards the morning , and then she beganne to féele 〈◊〉 little more ease , when God knowes shee neuer slept more soundly in all her life . Well Wife , ( saide the good man , ) you must remember that this night is our Gossips Supper , and they will come hither with many other of our Friends , therefore we must prouide some good thing for them ; Especially because it is your Upsitting , and a fortnight at the least since you were brought to Bedde : but good Wife , let vs goe as néere to the world as we may ; seeing that our great charge doth euery day increase , and money was neuer so ill to come by . She hearing him to say so , beginnes to po●…t , saying ; would for my part I had dyed in Trauell , and my poore Infant beene strangled in the Birth , so should you not be troubled with vs at all , nor haue cause to repine so much at our spending : I am sure there is neuer a Woman in the worlde , that in my case hath worse kéeping , or is lesse chargeable , yet let me pinch and spare , and doe what I can , all is thought too much that I haue : Trust mee I care not a strawe whether you prouide me anie thing or no , although the sorrowe bee mine , the shame will be yours , as yesterday ; for example : I am sure here came in aboue a dozen of our Neighbours and Friendes , of méere kindenesse to see mée , and know how I did , who by their countenance and comming did you greater credite then you deserue : But God knowes what entertainment they had , hauing nothing in the house to set before them , which made me so much ashamed , that I knewe not what to say ; I le tell you what , before God I may boldly speake it , ( for I haue séene it , ) that when any one of them Lyes in , their very Seruants haue better fare then I my selfe haue had at your handes , which they séeing ( betwixt themselues yesterday when they were here , did most cunningly flowte both you and me for their entertainment . I haue not ( as you know ) lyen in aboue fiftéene dayes , and can yet scant stand on my legs , and you thinke the tin●…e too long , till I be ●…yling about the house ( to catch my bane , ) as I feare I haue done already . Belieue me Wife ( qd . he ) you mistake me greatly , for no man in the world can bee morekinde to his Wise , then I haue bene to you . Kinde to me ( quoth she ) by the masse that you haue with a murren ; No doubt but I haue had a swéet messe of cherishing at your handes , but I sée yourdrifte well enough , you gape euery day for my death , and I would to God it were so for mee : The month indéede is halfe expirde , and I feare the rest will come , before wee be ready for it : My Sister S. was heere no longer agoe then to day , and askt if I had euer a newe Gowne to be Churched in , but God wote I am farre enough from it , neither doe I desire it , though it be a thing which ought both by reason and custome to be obserued . And because it is your pleasure , I will rise to morrow , what chaunce soeuer befall , for the worst is , I can but loose my life : full well may I gather by this , how you will vse me heereafter , and what account you would make of me , if I had nine or ten children , but God forbid it should euer come so to passe , I desire rather to be rid of my life , and so to shunne the shame of the world , then long to liue with such an vnkinde churle . Now verily wise ( saith the Good man ) I must néedes blame your impatience , for growing so chollericke without cause . Without cause ( quoth she ? ) Doe you thinke I haue no iust cause to complaine ? I will assure you there is neuer a woman of my degrée , that would put vp the intollerable iniuries that I haue done , and dayly doe , by meanes of your hoggish conditions . Well wife saith the good man , lye as long as you list , and rise when you will , but I pray you tell me how this new gowne may be had , which you so earnestly aske for ? By my faith ( quoth she ) you say not well , for I aske nothing at your hands , neither would I haue it though I might : I thanke God I haue gownes enough alreadie , and sufficient to serue my turne , and you know I take no delight in garish attire , for I am past a girle , but it makes me smile to see what a shew of kindnes you would faine make 〈◊〉 thee dissembler , you can cog and flatter as well as any man in this towne , and full little thinke they that sée you abroad , what a diuell you are at home : for what with your crooked qualities , with toyling , moyling , carking and caring , and being beside broken with Child beating , my countenance is quite changed , so that I looke alreadie as withered , as the barke of an Elder bough : There is my Cousen T. T. who when I was a little girle , was at womans estate ; and in the end married Maister II with whom shée leades a Ladies life , looking so young and lustie , that I may séeme to be her mother : I , I , such is the difference twixt a kind , and an vncourteous husband , and who knowes not but he was a suter to me , and made many a iourney to my fathers house for my sake , and would so saine haue had me , that while I was to marrie , he would not match himselfe with any : but so much was I bewitcht , that after I had once séene you , I would not haue changed for the best Lord in the land , and this I haue in recompence of my loue and loyaltie . Goe too wife ( saith he ) I pray you leaue these lauish spéeches , and let vs call to minde where we may best take vp cloth for your gowne : for you sée , such is our weake estate , that if we should rashly lay out that little money which is in the house , we might possibly bee vnprouided of all other necessaries : Therefore whatsoeuer should chaunce hereafter , it is best to kéepe something against a rainyday : And againe you know within these eight or nine dayes , I haue fiue pound to pay to Maister P. which must be done there is no shift , otherwise I am like to sustaine trebble dammage . Tush ( quoth she ) what talke you to me of those matters : Alas I aske you nothing : I would to God I were once rid of this trouble : I pray you let me take some rest , for my head akes ( God helpe me as it would goe in péeces ) Iwis you féele not my paine , and you take little care for my griefe : Therefore I pray you send my Gossips word that they may not come , for I féele my selfe very ill at ease . Not so ( quoth he ) I will neither breake custome , nor so much as gainesay their courteous offer , they shall come sure , and be entertained in tho best manner I may . Well ( quoth she ) I would to God you woul●… leaue me , that I might take a little rest , and then doe as you list . Upon these spéeches the Nurse straight steppes in , and roundes her maister in the eare , I pray you Sir doe not force her to many words , for it makes her head light , and doth great harme to a woman in her case , especially her braines being so light for want of sleepe : and besides , she is God knowes , a woman of a tender and choyre complexion , and with that she drawes the Curtaines about the bed . Thus is the poore man held in suspence till the next day that the Gossips come , who will play their parts so kindly , and gaule him so to the quicke with their ●…uibs and taunts , that his courage will be wholy quailde , and he readie ( if they should bid him , like the prodigall childe , euen to eate dr●…ffe with the hogges ) rather then he would displease them . But to procéede , he in the meane while is double diligence , to prouide all things against their comming , according to his abilitie , and by reason of his wiues words , he buyes more meate , and prepares a great deale better cheare then he thought to haue done . At their comming he is readie to welcome them with his Cap in hand , and all the kindnesse that may be shewed . Then doth he trudge bare-headed vp and downe the house , with a chearefull countenance , like a good Asse , fit to beare the burthen , he brings the Gossips vp to his wife , and comming first to her himselfe , he tels her of their comming . Iwis ( quoth she ) I had rather they had kept at home , and so they would too , if they knew how little pleasure I tooke in their comming . Nay I pray you wife ( saith he ) giue them good countenance , seeing they be come for good will : with this they enter , and after mutuall greetings , with much gossips ceremonies , downe they sit and there spend the whole day , in breaking their fastes , dining , and in making an after noones repast : besides their pettie suppings at her beds side , and at the cradle , where they discharge their parts so well , in helping him away with his good Wine and Sugar , that the poore man comming oft to cheare them , doth well perceiue it , and gréeues inwardly thereat , howsoeuer he couers his discontent with a merrie countenance . But they not caring how the game goes , take their peniworths of that cheare which is before them , neuer asking how it comes there , and so they merily passe the time away , pratling and tatling of many good matters . Afterward the poore man tr●…ts vp and downe anew , to get his wife the foresaid gowne and all other things theretoo sutable , whereby he sets himselfe soundly in debt : sometimes he is troubled with the childs brawling : sometimes he is brawld at by the nurse : then his wife complaines , that she was neuer well since she was brought to bed , then must he cast his cares anew , deuising by what meanes to discharge his debts and lesson his expences : then resolues he to diminish his owne port , and augment his wiues brauerie , he will goe all the yeare in one sute , and make two paire of shooes serue him a twelue moneth , kéeping one paire for holy daies , another for working daies , and one hat in thrée or foure yeares . Thus according to his owne rash desire , he is vp to the eares in Lobs p●…wnd , and for all the woe and wretchednes that he hath felt , he would not yet be out againe , but doth then willingly consume his selfe in continuall care , sorrow and trouble , till death doth set him frée . CHAP. IIII. The Humour of a woman that hath a charge of children . THe next Humor that is by nature incident to a woman , is , when the husband hath bin married nine or or ten yeares , hath fiue or sixe children , hath passed many euill daies , vnquiet nights , and troubles aforesaid , hath his lustie youthfulnes spent , so that it is now high time for him to repent : But such is his grosse folly that he cannot , and such his dulnesse , through the continuall vexations , which haue tamed and we ●…ried him , that he cares not whatsoeuer his wife saith or doth , but is hardned like an olde Asse , which being vsed to the whip will not once mend his pace be he lashed neuer so much : The poore man seeth two or thrée of his daughters mariage-able , which is soone knowne by their wanton trickes , their playing , dauncing , and other youthfull toyes , but he kéepes them backe , hauing perhaps small commings in , to kéepe , maintaine , and furnish them as they looke for , with gownes , kertles , linnen , and other ornaments , as they should be for thrée causes . First , that they may be the sooner sued vnto by lustie gallants : Secondly , because his denying hereof , should nothing auaile : for his wife which knowes his daughters humors by her owne , when she was of the like yeares , will sée that they shall want nothing : Thirdly , they peraduenture , bearing right womens mindes , if their father kéepe them short , will finde some other friends that shall affoord it them . The poore man being thus perplexed on all sides , by reason of the excessiue charges which he must be at , will ( as it is likely ) be but honestly attired himselfe , not caring how he goes so he may rubbe out , be i●… neuer so barely , and would be glad to scape so : But as the Fish in the Ponde , which would also thinke himselfe well , though wanting former libertie , if he might be suffered to continue , is cut off before his time : So is likewise this poore man seruet , being once plunged in the perplexing Ponde , or rather ( Pounde of Wedlocke and House-keeing : for howsoeuer , when hee considers the aforesaide charges and troubles , hee begins to haue no ioye of himselfe , and is no more mooued then a tyred Iade , which forceth not for the spurre : Yet for the furnishing of his Wife and Daughters , so that hee may haue peace at home , and enioy an easie bondage , hee must trudge vp and downe earlie and late about his businesse , in that course of life which he professeth ; Sometimes he iourneys thirtie or fortie miles off , about his affaires : Another time , twice so farre to the Tearme of Assises , concerning some olde matter in Lawe , which was begunne by his Graund father , and not yet towards an ende , hee pulles on a paire of Bootes of seuen yeares olde , which haue beene cobled so ofte , that they are nowe a foote too short for him , so that the toppe of the Boote reaches no further then the calfe of his legge , he hath a paire of Spurres of the olde making , whereof the one wants a Rowell , and the other for want of Leathers , is fastened to his foote with a poynt : Hee puttes a laced Coate on his backe , which hee hath had sixe or seuen yeares , which he neuer wore but vppon High-dayes , whose fashion is growne cleane out of request , by reason of new inuented Garments ; whatsoeuer sports or pleasures he lights on ( by the way on his iourney , hee takes no ioy in them , because his minde is altogether on his troubles at home , hee fares hard by the way , as also his poore Horse , ( if he haue any ) his man followes him in a'turnde sute , with a sword by his side , which was found vnder a hedge at the siege of Bull●● ; he hath a coate on his backe , which euery man may know was neuer made for him , or hee not present when it was cut out ; for the wings on his shoulders comes downe halfe way his arme , and the skyrtes as much belowe his waste : To be short , the poore man goeth euery way as neare as may bée , for he remembers at what charges he is at home , and knowes not what it will cost him , in Féeing his Councellors , Attourneys , and Petty-foggers , which will doe nothing without present pay ; he dispatcheth his businesse spéedily , and hies him home with such hast , to auoid greater charges , that he rests no where by the way . And hereby it chaunteth that manie times he comes home at such an houre , as is as neare morning as to night , and findes nothing to eate , for his Wife and Seruants are in bed , all which hee takes patiently , being now well vsed to such entertainement : Surely for my part , that God sends such aduersitie and distresse to those only whose good and milde nature , he knowes to be such , that they will take all things in good part . But to procéede , it is very likely that the poore man is very weary , his heart heauy , by reason of the care and thought which he hath of his businesse ; and it may be ( hée lookes to be welcome to his owne house , and there to refresh himselfe ) howsoeuer he forgets not his former vsage . But it falls out otherwise , for his wife begins to chide ; whose words carries such a sway with the Seruants , that whatsoeuer their Maister saith , they make small account of it ; but if their Mistresse command any thing it is presently done , and her humor followed in all things , else must they packe out of seruice : so that it bootes not him to bid them doe any thing , or rebuke them for not doing it : And his poore man that hath bene with him , dares not likewise open his mouth to call for any Uictualls to comfort himselfe , or for the Horses , least they should suspect him to be of his Maisters faction , ( who being wise , and of a quiet and milde nature ) is loth to make any stirre , or bréede any disquietnes in the house , and therefore takes all in good part , and sits him downe farre from the Fire , though hee be very colde : But his wife and children stand round about it , but all their eyes are cast on her , who lookes on her Husband with an angrie countenance , not caring to prouide ought for his supper ; but contrariwise taunts him with sharpe and shrewish spéeches , whereto for the most part , he answers not a word , but sometimes ( perhaps being vrged , through hunger or wearines , or the vnkindnes of his wife ) he doth thus vtter his minde . Well Wife , you can looke well enough to your selfe , but as for me , I am both wearie and hungry , hauing neither eaten nor drunke all this day , and being beside wet to the very skinne , yet you make no reckoning to prouide any thing for my supper . Ah ( quoth shee ) you doe well to beginne first , least I should , which haue most cause to speake : Haue you not done very well ( thinke yee ) to take your man with you , and leaue me no bodie to white the Cloathes ? Now before God , I haue had more losse in my Linnen , then you will get this Twelue-month . Moreouer , you shutte the Henne-roost doore very well , did you not ? when the Fore got in , and eate vp foure of my best broode-Hennes , as you ( to your cost will soone finde ) by the masse : if you liue long , you will be the poorest of your Kinne . Well wife ( saith the Good-man ) vse no such wordes I pray you , God be thanked I haue enough , and more shall haue when it pleaseth him : and I tell ye , I haue good men of my Kinne . But quoth shee , I knowe not where they bee , nor what they are worth . Well ( saith he ) they are of credite and abilitie too . But for all that ( quoth shee ) they doe you small good . As much good ( saith hee ) as any of yours . As any of mine ( saith shee , ) and that she spake with such a high Note , that the house rung withall , saying : By Cocks-soule , were it not for my Friends , you would doe but sorily . Well good wife ( saith hee , ) Let vs leaue this talke ; Nay , ( saith shee ) if they heard what you saide , they would answere you well enough . The good-man holds his peace , fearing least shee should tell them , being of greater abilitie then hee was , and besides , because hee was loth that they should be offended with him . Then one of the Children falls a crying , and he perhaps , which his Father loued best , whereupon the Mother presently tooke a rodde , turned vp the Childes taile , and whipt him well fauoredly ; and the more to despight and anger her Husband , then for ought else . The good-man being herewith somewhat moued , wills her to leaue beating the Childe , shewing by his bended browes that he was not a little angrie at her dooings . Now gyp with a murren ( quoth she ) you are not troubled with them , they cost you nothing , but it is I that haue all the paines with them night and day . Then comes in the Nurs●… with her verdite , and thus she beginnes , saying : O Sir , you know not what a hand shee hath with them , and we also that tend them . Then comes in the Chamber-maide with her fiue Egges : In good faith Syr , it is a shame for you , that at your comming home , when all the whole house should be glad thereof , that you should contrari wise put it thus out of quiet ; Saith he , ( is it I that make this stirre ? ) Then is the whole Household against him , when hee séeing himselfe thus baited on all sides , ( and the match so vnequall , ) gets tim to Bed quietly without his Supper , all wette and durtie ; or if he doe suppe he hath but thinne fare : and being in Bedde , where hee should take his rest , hee is so disquieted with the Children , whom the Nurse and his Wife ( doth on purpose set on crying , ) to anger him the more , that for his life he cannot sléepe one winke . Thus is he vexed with continuall troubles , wherwith he séemeth to be well pleased , and would not though he might be frée from them , but doth therein spend his miserable and vnhappy life . CHAP. V. The humor of a Woman that marries her inferior by Byrth . A Woman inclined to another kinde of humour , which is , when the Husband hath bene married , and hath passed so many troubles , that he is wearyed therewith , his lustie youthfull blood growne colde , is matched with a Wife of better birth then himselfe , and perhaps yonger , both which things are very dangerous , and no wise man should seeke his owne spoyle , by wrapping himself in either of those bonds , because they are so repugnant , that it is both against reason and nature to accord them . Sometimes they haue Children , sometimes they haue none ; yet this notwithstanding , the Wife can take no paines , yet must be maintained according to her degrée , to the Husbands excéeding charges : for the furnishing whereof , the poore Man is forted to take extreame toyle and paines , and yet for all this , thankes God , for vouchsafing him so great a grace , as to be matcht with her : If now and then they grow to ●…ot words together ( as ofte it happens ) then presently in vpbraiding and menacing sort she tels him , that herfriends did not match her to him to be his drudge , and that she knowes well enough of what linage she is come , and will brag withall , that when she list to write to her friends and kinsmen they will presently fetch her away . Thus doth she keepe him in awe , and in a kinde of seruitude , by telling him of them , who would perhaps haue matcht her better , and not with him , but for some priuie scape that she hath had before , whereof the poore soule knowes nothing , or if perhaps he hath heard some inkling thereof , yet because he is simple , the credit that he might giue thereunto is quickely dasht , by a contrarie tale of others subbornd by them , who perchance will not sticke to sweare that this is a slaunder raised by euill tongues , and forged malitiously against her , as the like is done against many other good women , whose good names are wronged , and brought in question by bad persons on their tipling bench , because themselues cannot obtaine their purpose of them : notwithstanding , if her husband be not able to maintaine her according to her minde , then will she be sure to haue a friend in store , that shall afford it her : if her husband denie it , and in the end she remembers that such a Gentleman at such a feast proffered her a diamond , or sent her by a messenger some 20 , or thirtie crownes , which she as then refused , but now purposeth to giue him a kind glance , to renew his affection , who conceiuing some better hope , and méeting soone after with her chamber maid , as she is going about some busines , cals to her , saying ; Sister , I would faine speake with you . Sir quoth she , say what you please . You know ( quoth he ) that I haue long loued your mistresse , without obtaining any fauour : but tell me I pray you , did she neuer speake of me in your hearing ? In faith sit ( saith she ) neuer but well : I dare sweare she wishes you no harme . Before God sister saith the Gentleman , if you will shew me some kindnes herein , and doe my commendations to your mistresse , assuring her of my loue and loyaltie , it shall be worth a new gowne vnto you , meane while take this in earnest , with that he offers her a péece of gold : She then making a lowe cursie , sayth : Sir , I thanke you for your good will , but I will not take it . By my faith saith he but you shall , and with that he forceth it on her , adding these words : I pray you let me heare from you to morrow morning . She being glad of such a bootie , hyes her home , and tels her mistres how she met with a Gentleman that was in a passing good vaine : and to be short , after some questions vsed by her mistres , it appeares to be the very same man whom she would faine intrap . I tell thée saith she to her maide , if he be as kinde as he is proper , he were worthie to be any womans loue . Beléeue me mistres ( saith the maide ) his very countenance shewes that he is kind , it séemes that he was onely made for loue , and withall he is wealthie , and thereby able to maintaine her beautie , and her person in brauerie whom he affects . By this light ( saith the mistres ) I can get nothing of my husband . The more vnwise you ( saith the maide ) to be so vsed . Alas quoth she what should I doe , I haue had him so long , that I cannot now set my heart on any other . Tush ( quoth the maid ) it is a folly for any woman to set her heart so on any man , for you know they care not how they vse vs when they are once Lords ouer vs. Beside your husband though he would , yet cannot maintaine and kéepe you according to your degrée : but he of whom I speake will furnish and maintaine you gallantly what garments soeuer you will haue : and what colour and fashion soeuer you like best , you shall presently haue it , so that there wants nothing else , saue onely a quaint excuse to my Maister , making him beléeue you had it by some other meanes . By my troth quoth her mistres , I know not what to say . Well mistres ( saith the maid ) aduise you well , I haue promist to giue him an answere to morrow morning . Alas ( saith the other ) how shall we doe ? Tush mistres ( answeres the maid ) let me alone : As I goe to morrow to the market I am sure he will watch to meete with me , that he may know what newes , then I will tell him that you will not agrée to his desire for feare of discredit , this will giue him a little hope , and so we shall fall into further talke , and I doubt not but to handle the matter well enough . According to promise next morning to market she hies , somewhat more earely then she was wont , and by the way she méetes with this lustie gallant , who hath waited for her at least thrée houres , he hath no sooner spyed her , but he presently makes towarde her , and at her comming , thus salutes her : Sister , good morrow , what newes I pray , and how doth your faire mistresse ? Ifaith sir ( saith she ) she is at home very pensiue , and out of patience , I thinke that neuer any woman had such a froward husband . Ah villaine ( saith he ) the diuell take him . Amen ( saith the maide ) for both my mistresse and all the seruants are wearie with tarrying with him . Out on him slaue ( saith he ) but I pray you tell me what answere gaue your mistresse touching my sute ? In faith ( quoth she ) I spake vnto her , but she would not agrée thereunto , for she is wonderfully afraide to purchase her selfe discredit , and is beside plagued with such a froward and suspitious husband , that although she were neuer so willing , yet could she not , being continually watcht by him , his mother and brethren : I thinke on my conscience vnlesse that it were that she spake to you the other day , the poore woman talkt not with any man these foure moneths , yet she speakes very often of you , and I am well assured that if she would bend her minde to loue ; she would choose you before all men in the world . He being rauished with these words , r●…lies thus : Swéete sister , I pray you be my friend herein , and I will alwaies rest at your command . In good faith ( saith she ) I haue done more for you alreadie then euer I did for any man in my life . And thinke not ( saith he ) that I will be vnmindfull of your kindnes , but what would you counsell me to doe ? Ifaith sir ( saith she ) I thinke it best that you should speake with her your selfe , and now you haue an excellent opportunitie , for my maister hath refused to giue her a gowne , whereat she stormes not a little , you shall doe well therefore to be to morrow at the Church , and there salute her , telling her boldly your desire : you may also offer her what you thinke good ▪ but I know she will take nothing : marrie she will thinke the better of you , knowing thereby your franke and bountifull nature . Oh ( saith he ) I would she would gladly take that , which I would gladly bestowe on her . Nay , answeres the maide , I know she will not , for you neuer knewe a more honest woman : but I le tell ye , how yee may doe it afterwards : Looke what ye purpose to bestowe on her , you shall deliuer vnto me , I will doe my best to perswade her to take it , but I cannot assure you that I shall preuaile . Surely sister ( saith he ) this is very good counsell : herewithall they part , and she returnes home , laughing to her selfe , which ●…er mistresse seeing , demaunds of her the cause thereof . Marrie ( saith the maide ) this lustie Gentleman is all on fire , to morrow he will be at Church , purposing there to speake with you : now must you demeane your selfe wisely , and make very strange of it , but stand not off too much least you dismay him cleane : as you will not wholly graunt , so must you féede him with some hope . Shee , hauing her lesson thus taught her by her maide , gets her vp betimes the next morning , and to the Church shee goes , where this amorous gallant hath awaited for her comming euer since foure a clocke . She being set in her pew , makes shew as if she were deuoutly at her prayers , when ( God wot ) her deuotion is bent to the seruice of another Saint : it were worth the noting to sée how like an image she sits : and yet for all her demurenes , she applies all her fiue senses , and that full zealously in this new humor of religion . To be short , he steales vnto her , sneaking vnto her , from the belfrey vnto her pew , and being come , gréetes her after the amorous order , and from greeting , he fals to courting , whereto she doth in no wise yéeld consent , neither will she take ought that he offers , yet answeres him after such a sort , that he doth thereby assuredly gather that she loues him , and stickes onely for feare of discredit : whereat he is not a little ioco●… , and hauing spent his time to so good a purpose , he takes his leaue , and she hasting home to her counseller , acquaints her what hath passed betwéene them , who thereupon takes occasion to say thus : Mistresse , I know well that now he longs to speake with me , but at our méeting I will tell him that you will yéeld to nothing , for which I will faine my selfe very sorrie : & I will adde withall , that my master is gone out of towne , and will appoint him to come hither towards the Euening , with promise that I will let him in , and conuey him so secretly into your Chamber , that you sh●…l know nothing thereof : At what time you must séeme to b●…e highly offended , and if you be wise , you will make him buy his pleasure with some Cost , which will cause him to esteeme the more of you ; tell him that you will crie out , and then doe you call mee : By handling him thus , I can assure you , that you shall get more of him , then if you had yéelded at the first . All this while I will haue in my keeping that which hee will giue you , for he hath appointed to deliuer it me to morrow , and I will make him belieue , that you would by no meanes take it . But when the matter is brought to this passe , then will I make shewe to offer you his gift before him , télling you , that he is willing to bestowe it on you , to buy you a Gowne-cloth withall ; Then must you chide , and seeme to be angrie with mee for receiuing it , charging mee to deliuer it backe againe to him , but be sure I will lay it vp safe enough . Well deuised wench ( saith the Mistres ) I am content it shall be so . This plot being thus laid , the crafty w●…nch goes presently to finde out this iolly Gallant , whose first word is : What newes ? Now in good faith Syr ( saith shee , ) the matter is no further forwards , then if it were yet to to beginne ; yet because I haue medled so farre in it , I would be loth I should not bring it about , for I feare that shee will complaine of mee to her Husband and Friends : but if I could perswade her by any meanes to receiue your gifts , then out of question the matter were dispatcht : and in good faith I le trie once more : I haue one good helpe , and that is this : my Maister ( as I tolde you before ) will not giue her a new●… Gowne , at which vnkindenesse , shee stormes mightilie . The hotte Louer hearing this , giues her presently twentie Crownes for her good will , wherevpon shee speakes thus : In good faith Syr , I know not how it commeth to passe , but sure I am , I neuer did so much for any man before , as I haue done heerein for you : Yee sée Syr , what da●…ger I haue put my selfe in for your sake ; For if my Maister should haue any inckling of it , I were vtterly vndone : yet for you I will hazard a little further : I know she loues you well , and as good happe is my Maister is not now in towne , if you therefore will be about the doores towards sixe of the Clocke at night I will let you in , and so conney you secretly into my Mistres chamber , who doth sleepe very soundly ; for you know she is but young , being there I could with you goe to bed so her , and for the rest you néede not ( I trust ) any tutor : I protest that I know no other meanes for the compassing of this matter , perhaps it will fadge : For it is a great matter , when a Louer and his Mistres are both together naked and in the darke , which doth helpe forward a Womans conceit , to that which in the day time perhaps she would hardly graunt . O my swéet friend ( qd . he ) for this kindnes my Purse shall be at thy command . To be short , night comes , he is there according to promise , whom she straight conueyes into her Mistresse chamber ; then he presently vnclothes himselfe , and steps softly into her Bedde , and being once in , hée begins to embrace her : hereat ( she that séemes till then asléepe ) starts vp on a sudden , and with a fearfull voyce asks who is there ? It is I swéet Mistres ( saith he ) feare nothing . Ah ( qd . she ) thinke you to preuaile thus ? No , no , and with that she makes as thogh she would rise , and call her maide , who answeres not a word ; but alas for pittie , like an vndutifull seruant leaues her at her greatest néed . She therefore ( good woman ) séeing that shee is forsaken ; sayes with a sigh , Ah me , I am betraid : then begin they a stout battell , He vrging his aduantage , shee faintly resisting , but alas what can a naked woman doo against a resolute Louer ? there is therefore no other remedie , but that at length ( poore soule , ) being on t of breath with striuing , she must néedes yeelde to the stronger ; shee would faine haue cried out ( God wot ) had it not beene for feare of discredit ; for thereby her name might haue bin brought in question , therefore all things considered , she doth vnwillingly God knowes , let him supplie her husbands place , garnishing his temple , for pure good will , with 〈◊〉 badge . Thus hath she got a newe Gowne , which her good man refused to giue her , to bleare whose eyes , and kéepe him from suspition , she gets her mother in her Husbands sight , to bring home the cloch and giue it her , as though it were her cost ; and least also she should suspect any thing , she makes her belieue she bought it with the money which she got by selling odde commodities which hér Husband knewe not of ; But it may be ( and oft happens so ) that the Mother is priuy to the whole matter , and a furtherer thereof : After this Gowne shee must haue another , and two or thrée silken embrothered gyrdles , and other such costly knacks , which the Husband seeing , will in the end suspect somwhat , and begin to doubt of his wiues honestie , or shall perhaps receiue some aduertisement hereof from some Friend or Kinsman ; for no such matter can be long kept close , but in the end wil by some means or other be made knowne and discouered : Then falls he into a f●…antick vaine of Iealousie , watching his Wiues close packing ; and for the better finding of it out , hée comes home on a sudden about midnight , thinking then to discouer all , and yet perhappes may misse his purpose . Another time comming in at vnawares he seeth some thing that he likes not , and then in a Furie falles on railing , but be sure that she answers him home ▪ not yéelding an inch vnto him ; for besides the aduantage of the fight which is waged by her owne trustie weapon ( her Tongue I meane ) shee knowing withall that she is of better birth , hits him in the téeth therewith , and threatens him to tell her Friends how hardly he doth vse her . To be short , the poore man shall neuer haue good day with her , but either with thought of her incontinencie , or if he speake to her , he is borne 〈◊〉 with scolding lies , and despised of his owne Seruants ; his state tunnes to ruine , his wealth decayes , his body dries vp , and weares away with griefe ; Hee growes desperate and c●…elesse . Thus is hee plunged in Lobs pound , wearied in a world of discontents , wherin notwithstanding he takes delight , hauing no desire to chaunge his state , but rather if he were out , and knewe what would follow , yet would he neuer rest till he had gotten in againe , there to spend and end ( as now he must ) his life in griefe and miserie . CHAP. VI. The Humor of a Woman that striues to maister her Husband THe next humor wherevnto a Woman is addicted , is , when the Husband hath got a faire young Wife , who is proper and fine , in whome hee takes great delight ; yet perhaps she is bent altogether to crosse , and thwart : the man being of a kinde and milde nature , louing her entierly , and maintaines her as well as he can , notwithstanding her frowardnesse : It may be also that she hath care of his credite and honestie , and doth abhorre such leaudnesse , as shee of whome we spake before did vse , yet hath shee neuerthelesse an extreame desire of Soueraigntie , ( which is knowne a common fault amongst Women ) and to be her Husbands commaunder , and a busie medler in his matters ; be hee a Iudge , a Nobleman , or Gentleman , she will take vpon her to giue sentence , and answere Suters , and whatsoeuer shee doeth he must stand to it . This is , ( I say ) a generall imperfection of Women , be they neuer so honestly , neuer so kindly vsed , and haue neuer so much wealth and ease , to striue for the Bréeches , and be in odde contrarie humours , of purpose to keepe her Husband in continuall thought and care how to please her . He gets him vp betimes in the morning , leauing her in Bed , to take her ease , while hee stirres about the house and dispatcheth his busines , looks to the seruants that they loyter not , ●…auseth Dinner to be made readie , the Cloth to be laide , and when all thinges are ready , he sends one to desire her to come downe , who brings backe answere that she is not disposed to Dine . No ( saith he ) I will neither sit downe , nor eate a bit till she be here ; So receiuing his second message by his Maid , or perhaps by one of his children , replyes thus ; Go tell him againe that I will not dine to day . He hearing this , is not yet satisfied , but ●…ends likewise the third time , and in the ende goes himselfe , and thus begins . How now , what ayles you Wise , that you will eate no meate ? hereto she answeres not a word . The poore man maruels to see her in this melancholy dumpe , ( although perhaps she hath plaid this pageant many times before ) and vseth a●… entreatie he may , to knowe of her the cause thereof : but in vaine , for indéed there is no cause at all , but onely a méere mockerie : Sometimes she will persist so obstinately in this humor , that for all the perswasions and kindnesse that he can vse , she will not come . Sometimes it may be she will , and then he must leade her by the hand like a bride , and set her chaire readie for her , meane while it is so long before he can get ●…er downe , that the meate is cold when it comes to the table . Being set , she will not eate one bit , and he séeing that ( like a kinde Asse ) will ●…ast likewise : whereat she smiles inwardly , hauing brought him so to her bowe , first in crossing him , then in making him to fast from dinner : wherein ( to say the truth ) she hath reason , for what néedes a woman to seeke his fauour , who doth alreadie loue her , and shew her all the kindnes that he can . Sometimes the good man ryding abroad about his businesse , méetes with two or thrée of his friends , with whom perhaps he hath some dealings , and hath bene long acquainted with them : It may be also that he inuites them home to his house , as one friend will doe to another , and sends his man before to his wife to make all things readie in the best sort that she can for their entertainment : the poore seruingman gallops in such hast , that both himselfe and his horse is all on a sweate , when he comes home he doth his ar●…and to his mistresse , telling her withall that the guests which his maister brings are men of good account . Now by my faith ( saith she ) I will not meddle in it , he thinkes belike that I haue nothing else to doe , but drudge about to prepare banquets for his companions , he should haue come himselfe with a vengeance , and why did he not ? Forsooth ( saith the seruant ) I know not , but thus he bad me tell you . Go too ( saith she ) you are a knaue that meddles in more matters then you haue thanke for . The poore fellow hearing this holds his peace , she in a fume stings vp into her chamber , and which is worse , sends out her seruants , some one way , some another : as for her maydes , they haue their lesson taught them well enough , knowing by custome how to behaue themselues to wearie their maister : well , he comes home to his aforesaid friends , calls presently for some of his seruants : but one of the maides make answere , of whom he demaunds whether all things be readie : In good faith sit my mistresse is very sicke , and here is no body else can doe any thing : with that he being angry , ●…des his friends into the hall , or some other place according to his estate , where he findes neither fire made , nor cloath laide . Iudge then in what a taking he is , although it may be that his friends perceiued by the sending of his man , that his commaundements were not of such force as an act of parliament . The good man being ashamed , calls and gapes , first for one man then for an other , and yet for all this there comes none , except it be the scullion or some chare woman , that both vse his house , whom his wife hath left there of purpose , because shée knew they could serue to doe nothing . Being herewith not a little mooued , vp he goes into his wiues chamber , and thus speakes vnto her : Gods precious woman , why haue ye not done as I wild ye ? Why ( saith she ) you appoint so many things to be done that I know not what to doe . Before God ( saith he ) and with that scratches his head , you haue done me a greater displeasure then you thinke : these are the dearest friends that I haue , and now here is nothing to set before them . Why ( quoth she ) what would you haue me to doe ? I wis if you cast your cards well , you shall finde that we haue no néede to make banquets : I would to God you were wiser , but sith you will needes be so lustie , euen goe through with it your selfe on Gods name , for I le not meddle with it . But what the diuellment ye ( saith he ) to send all the seruants abroad ? Why ( quoth she ) what did I know that you should néede them now : yet did she kn●…w it will enough , and had of purpose sent them forth on ●…eeuelesse arrands , the more to anger and despight him : who seeing that he can preuaile nothing , giues ouer talking to her , and gets him downe in a bitter chafe : for it may be that his guestes be of such account , and he so much beholding vnto them , that he had rather haue spent a hundred crownes then it should so haue fallen out . But she cares not a whit , being well assured , that howsoeuer she thwarts him , he will hold his hands , and in scolding she knowes her selfe to be the better . To be short , the poore man being vexed , with shame and anger , runnes vp and downe the house , gets as many of his seruants together as he can : If his prouision be but slender at ho●… , he sendes presently abroad , in the meane while he calles for a cleane towell , the best table cloath , and wrought napkins . But the maide answeres him that he can haue none . Then vp to his wife goes he againe , and tels her that his friends doe intreate her to come downe and bare them companie , shewing her what a shame it is , and how discourteously they will take it if she come not : And finally , he vseth all the fairest speeches that he can to haue her come , and to welcome and entertaine them for his credites sake . Nay in faith ( quoth she ) I will not come , they are too great states for my companie , and no doubt they would scorne a poore woman as I am : It may be shée will goe , but in such sort , and with such a countenance , that it had bene better for him she had not come at all , for his friends will somewhat perceiue by her lookes , and gesture , that howsoeuer they be welcome to the good man , she had rather haue their roome then their company . But if she refuse to come ( as it is the more likely ) then will he aske her for the best to well , table-cloth and napkins . Napkins ( quoth she ) as though those that be abroad alreadie be not good enough for greater and better men then they are : when my brother or any of my kinsmen come , which are I wis their equals in euery respect , they can be content to be serued with them : but were these your guestes neuer so great , yet could I not now fulfill your request , though my life should lie on it : for since morning I haue lost my keyes of the great chest where all the linnen lies : I pray you bid the maide looke for them , for in good truth I know not what I haue done with them , and no maruell , for I haue so much to doe , that I know not how to bestir my selfe : well I wotte , I haue spoyled my selfe with continuall care and trouble . Now in good faith ( quoth he ) you haue drest me fairely , but it is no matter : Before God ●…le breake open the chest . Now surely then ( quoth she ) you shall doe a great act , I would faine see you doe it , I would for my part you would breake all the chestes in the house . The poore man hearing her in these termes , knowes not well what to doe , but takes that which he next lightes on , and therefore shifts as well as he can : he causeth his guestes to sit downe at the table , and because the beere then a broach is on tilt , and therefore not very good , he bids one of the seruants broach a new barrell and fill some fresh drinke , but then there is neither tap nor spigget to be found , for his wife of purpose hath hidden them out of the way . Towards the end of the dinner he cals for cheese , and fruite , but there is none in the house , so that he is faine to send to the neighbours for the same , or else be vtterly destitute : meane while his boy being at the table with the guestes , at last tels them how his mistresse faines her selfe sicke , because she is not pleased with their maisters comming . Well when bed time comes , he can get no cleane sheetes nor pillowbeeres , because forsooth the keyes are lost , so that they must be content to lie in those that be foule , and haue bene long laine in . The next morning they get them gone betimes , séeing by the good wiues countenance that they are nothing welcome . By the way their Lackies tell them what the Gentlemans boy reported , whereat they laught hartily , yet finde themselues agréeued , vowing neuer to be his guest any more . The husband also , getting him vp betimes in the morning , goes presently to his wife , and thus begins : By Iesus wife , I muse what you meane to vse me thus . I know not how to liue with you . Then she replies saying : Now God for his mercy , am I so trouble , some ? God wot I am euery day ( poore soule ) troubled with kéeping your hogs , your geese , your chickens , I must card , I must spin , & continually kéepe the house , looke to the seruants , and neuer sit still , but toyling vp and downe to shorten my daies , and make me die before my time , and yet I cannot haue one houres rest , or quietnes with you , but you are alwaies brawling , & doe nothing your selfe , but spend & wast your goods and mine with odde Companions . What odde Companions ( satch hee ) as though you knowe not that these are such men , as can either much further , or much hinder me : It is a signe that you deale very well , that you must stand in distrust of such persons . ●…erevpon , shee takes occasion to raile and scolde all the day long ; the man being wearied with her waiwardnesse , and Age ( being hasted with griefe and sorrow ) doth vnawares ouertake him . Briefly , he is in euery respect wretched : but such is his follie , that hee reckons his paines pleasure , and would not though he might be againe at libertie , out of Lobs Pound , or if he would it is now too late ; for he must of force continue there , in Care , Thought , and Miserie , till Death make an ende of him and them together . CHAP. VII . ¶ The humor of a couetous minded Woman . THe next humor belonging to a Woman is , when the Husband is matched to a modest ciuil woman , who is nothing giuen to that thwarting and crossing humour whereof I spake before . But be she good or bad , this is a generall rule many wiues hold and stedfastly belieue , that their owne Husbands are worst of all others . It oft happens that when they match together they are both young , & entertaine each other with mutuall delights , so much as may be , for a yeare or two , or longer ; till the vigor of youth grow colde . But the woman droopes not so soone as the man ; the reason whereof is , because she takes no care , thought , nor griefe , breakes not hor sléepe , and troubles not her head as hee doeth , but doth wholly addict her thoughts to pleasure and solace . I denie not , that when a Woman is with Childe , shee bides many times great paines , and is often verie ill at ease , and at the time of her deliuerance , shee is for the most part , not onely in excéeding paine , but also in no lesse daunger of death : But all this is nothing to the Husbands troubles , on whose handes alone restes the wholecharge , and waight of maintaining the house , and dispatching all matters , which is oftentimes intangled so with controuersies , and so thwarted with crosse fortune , that the Poore man is tormented with all veration of minde . Being thus wearied , and as it were worne away with continuall griefe , troublous cogitations , toyle and trauell , haue no minde on any other pleasure ; whereas shee on the other 〈◊〉 : is as lustie as euer she was : means while his storke d●…ayes , and his state growes worse and worse : and as that diminisheth , so must he perforce , shorten her alowance , and maintenance , which is almost as great a Corosiue to her , as the former . You may be well assured , that this change in him , makes her also change her countenance ; from Mirth and chéerefulnes , to lowring Melanthalie , seeking occasions of disagreements , and vse them in such sort , that their former loue and kindnes was not so great , as are now their brawles , iarres , and discords . It doth also oftētimes happen , that the Woman by this meanes wastes and consumes all , giuing leaudly away her Husbands goods , which hee with great paines and cares hath gotten . The Good-man , he goes euery way as neare as hee can , and warily containes himselfe within his bounds , casting vp what his yearely Reuenues are , or what his gaine is by his profession , bee it Marchandize or other , and then what his expences be ; which he finding greater then his commings in , begins to bite the lip , and becomes very pensiue : his Wife and he being afterwards priuate together in their chamber , he speakes thereof vnto her in this manner . In faith Wife , I much maruel how it comes to passe that our goods goe away thus , I know not how ? I am sure I am as rarefull as a man can be , I can not finde in my heart to bestow a new coate on my selfe ; and all to saue monie . By my troth Husband ( saith she ) I do as much maruell at it as you : I am sure for mine owne parte , that I goe as neere in Housekéeping euery way as I can . To be short , the poore-man not doubting his wife , nor suspecting her ill carriage , after long care and thought , concludes , that the cause thereof is his owne ill Fortune , which kéepes him downe , and crosseth all his actions with contrary successe , but it may be that in processe of time , some Friend of his ( being more cleare sighted in the matter , perceiuing all goes not well , ●…oeth priuily informe him thereof , who being astonished at his report , gets him home with a heauie countenance , which the Wife seeing , and knowing herselfe guiltie , begins presently to doubt the worst , and perhappes gesseth shrewdly at the authors thereof : b●…t howsoeuer , shee will take such an order , that she will be sure to escape the brunt well enough . The Good-man will not presently make any wordes hereof vnto her , but deferre it a while , and trie in the meane time , whether he can ( of himselfe gather any further likelyhood ; for which purpose hee will tell her , that he must néedes ride some tenne or twelue miles out of Towne , about some earnest busines . Good faith husband ( saith the ) I had rather you should send your man , and stay at home your selfe . Not so wise ( saith he ) but I will be at home againe my selfe within these three or foure dayes . Hauing told her this tale , he makes as though he tooke his tourney , but doth priuily lye in Ambush in such a place , where hee may know whatsoeuer is done in the house : But shee smelling his drift , sends word to her sweet-heart , that he doe not come in any case , and all the time of his dissembled absence , shee carryes her selfe , that it giues no likelyhood of suspition : which the silly man seeing , comes out of his Ambush , enters his house , making as if then he were returned from his iourney : and whereas before he lowred , now hee shewes a chéerefull countenance , being verily perswaded that his Friends report is a méere lye , and that hee thinks so much the rather , because she doth at his comming run to méete him , with such a shew of loue , and doth so embrace and kisse him , that it seemes impossible so kinde a Creature should play false : But long after ( being in Bedde together , ) he thus speakes to her ; Wife , I haue heard reported certaine wordes that like me not . Good faith Husband ( saith she ) I know not what is the cause thereof : I haue noted this great while , that you haue bin very pensiue , and was afraid that you had had some great losse , or that some of your Friends had bin kild , or taken by the Spaniards . No ( saith he ) that is not the matter , but a thing which grieues mee more then any such matter can doe . Now God for his mercy ( quoth shee ) I pray you Husband let me know what it is . Mary wife ( saith he ) a friend of mine told me that you kept company with R R. the veriest Ruffian in all the Tol●…e , and a many other matters be told me of you . ●…ere at she c●…ssing her selfe in token of admiration ( though smiling in wardly ) replies thus : Deere Husband if this bee all , then I pray you giue ouer your pensiuenes : I would to God I were as free from all other sinnes as I am from that : Then laying one hand on her head , she thus proceedes : I will not sweare any thing touching him , but I would the Diuell had all that is vnder my hand , if I euer touched any mans mouth sauing yours , or some of our Friends and Kins●…en , or such at least as you haue commanded me . Ha , ha , is this the matter ? In troth I am glad that you haue tolde me ; I had verily thought it had bene some greater matter , but I know well enogh wherupon these spéeches grew , and I would that you did likewise know , what mooued him to speake them , I know you would not a little maruell , because he hath alwaies professed such frienship towards you . In good faith I am nothing sory that he hath awaked the sléeping Dog. What meane you by that word ( qd . he ? ) Nay ( quoth she ) be not desirous to know it , you shall knowe it soone enough some other time . Birlady saith he ) I le know it now . By my troth Husband ( saith shee ( I was ofte wonderfully angrie when you brought him in hither , yet I forbare to speake of it , because I saw you loued him so well . But speake now saith he ) and tell me what the matter is ? Nay nay ( quoth she ) it skills not greatly . Goe too wife saith the good man ) tell me , for I will know it . Then takes she him about the necke , and sweetly kissing him , saith thus ; Ah my deere Husband , what Uillaines are these that would seeme to abuse you , whome I honor and loue aboue all men in the worke . Well Wife ( saith he ) I pray thée tell me the man that so misuseth vs. In troth ( quoth shee that vile dissembling Traitor , that flattering tell tale , that put this badde report in your eares , whome you estéeme so much : reposing such great confidence in him , he is the only man and none but hee , that hath earnestly vrged me any time this two yeares to commit follie with him , but God ( I praise him ) hath giuen mee grace , both to refuse him , and his offers , although I were continually troubled and importuned by him : ●…is when you thought he came hither so often for your sake , it was for this cause , for neuer a time that he ●…me , but he was in hand with me to obtaine his filthy desire , till in the end I threatned to tell you of it , but I was loath to doe it , fearing to bréede a quarrell betweene you , so long as I was sure to keepe him from doing you herein any ●…cie : beside , I had still a good hope , that he would at length giue ouer , ●…is it was no fault of his that he sped not . Gods for my life ( saith the good man ) being in a great rage , what a treacherous villaine is this ? I would neuer haue suspected any such matter in him , for I durst haue put my life in his hands . By this light , husband ( saith shee ) if euer hee come more within the doores , or if euer I may know that you ha●… any talke with him , I le keepe house no longer with you . Ah deere husband , and with that shée clips and c●…ls him againe about the necke , should I be so di●…oyall as to abuse you in this sort ? so sweete , so amiable , and so kinde a man , who lets me haue my will in all things ? God forbid I should liue so long to become a strumpet now . But for Gods sake husband forbid him your house , with whom this knaue hath flaundred me withall , yet I would the diuell had me if euer he made such motion to me , neuerthelesse by Gods grate hée shall not come henceforth in any place where I am , and with that shée beginnes to weepe , and hee ( kinde foole ) doth appease and comfort her , gromising and swearing , that he will doe as ●…he will haue him , saue onely that he will not forbid him his house , with whose companie the other had charged her , and withall hee vowes neuer to beléeue any more of these reportes , nor so much as to harken to any such tales againe , notwithstanding hee still seeles a scruple of suspition in his conscience : Within a while he begings to fall at defiance with his honest friend , who informed him of his wiues wantonnesse , and hee seemes to bee so deepely besotted with her loue , that you would saye hee were transformed without inchauntment , into Ac●…ons shape : his charge of houshold still increaseth , he hath many children , and is perplered on euery side : but his wife followes her pleasure farre more then before , for though it be neuer so openly knowne , yet will no man tell him thereof , because they know that he will not beléeue them ( and which is more ridiculous ) he that abuseth him most , shall be best wlecome vnto him of any . To be short , age will ouertake him , and perhaps pouertie , from the which he shall neuer be able to raise himselfe . Loe here the great good and pleasure , that he hath gotten by entring into Lobs pound , euery man mockes him , some saith it is pittie because he is an honest man : others say it is not a matter to be sorrowed for , sith it is the common rule of such . They of the better sort will scorne his company : thus liues he in paine , griefe and disgrace , which he takes for great pleasure , and therein will continue till death cut him off . CHAP. VIII . The humour of a woman that still desires to be gadding abroad . THe next humor of a woman , is , when the husband hath bene in Lobs pound some fiue or sixe yeares , part whereof he hath spent in such pleasures as wedlocke doth at the first affoord , but now the date of these delights is out , he hath perhaps some thrée or foure children , but his wife is now big againe , and a great deale worse of this child then she was of any other . Whereat the poore man greeues not a little , who takes great paines to get her that which she longes for : well ; the time of her lying downe drawes néere , and she is wonderfully out of temper , so that it is greatly feared that she will hardly escape . Then falls he on his kneees and praies deuoutly for his wi●…e , who soone after is brought to bed , wherefore he is not a little ●…ocond , making sure account that God hath hard his p●…aiers . The Gossips , kinswoman , and neighbours , come in troupes to visit and reioyce for her safe deliuerie . She for her part wants no good cherishing , whereby she recouers her strength , and is as fresh and lustie as euer she was . After her Churching , she inuited by some of her Neighbours , who also inuites fiue or six others of her Neighbors and friends , who is receiued and feasted with all kindnes ; which Banquet doth perhaps cost her Husband more then would haue kept the house a whole fortnight : Amongst other , she propounds a question , and makes a match to goe all together to a certaine Faire , which wil be within ten dayes at such a place , to the which place they shall haue a most braue and pleasant iourney by reason of the faire weather , for they will alwayes conclude such an agréement in some of the best seasons of the yeare , and she takes vpon her to make this motion , chiefly in regard of her Gossip , which was lately brought abed , that shee may after her long paine and trauaile somewhat recreate and refresh her selfe . But shee answers her with thanks for her good will , saying she knowes not how to get leaue of her Husband . What ( saith the other ) that is the least matter of a thousand . Tush Gossip ( saith another ) stand not vpon that , we will all goe and be merry , and wee will haue with vs my Gossip G. T. my Cosin H. S. though perhaps he be nothing kinde to her : But this is their ordinary phrase , and they vndertake this Iourney , because they cann●… so well obtaine their purposes at home , being too néere their Husbands noses . After this agréement , home she comes with a heauy countenance ; the Good man asketh what she aileth . Marry ( quoth she ) the Child is very ill at ease , ( though he were in neuer better health since hee was borne ) his flesh burnes as though it were fire , and as the Nurse tells me , he hath refused the Dugge these two dayes , although she durst not say so much till now . He hearing this , and thinking it true , is not a little sory ; goes presentto sée his Childe , and wéepes for pittie . Well , Night comes , to bed they goe , and then she fetching a sigh , begins thus : Husband , I sée you haue forgotten me . How meane you that ( saith hee ? ) Mary ( quoth shee ) doe you not remember that when I was in Childbed , you said , that if it pleased God that I escaped , I should goe to such a Fayre , with my Gossips and Neighbors to make merrie , and chéere vp my selfe , but now I heare you not talke of it . In troth Wife ( saith hee ) my head is troubled with so many matters , and such a deale or busines , that I haue no leisure to thinke on any thing else : but there is no time past yet , the Faire will not bee this fortnight . By my troth ( qd . she ) I shall not be well vnles I goe . Well wife ( saithe he ) content your selfe ; for if I can by any meanes get so much money ye shall go : You know it is not little that we shall spend there : yea , more I wis then will bee my ease to lay out . Good Christ ( qd . she ) is it now come to that ? You promisde me absolutely , without either ifs or ands : before God I will goe , whether you will or no : for there goes my Mother , my Gossip T. my Cousen B. and my Cousen R. and his wife . If you will not let me goe with them , I know not with whom you will let me goe . Hee , hearing her thus wilfull , thinkes it best for his owne quietnes to let her goe , though he straine his Purse somewhat the more . The time comes , he hires Horses , buyes her a new riding Gowne , and doth furnish her according to her mind , peraduenture there goes in their company a lusty Gallant , that will frollicke it by the way on her Husbands cost , for his Purse must pay for all . It may be he will goe himselfe , because he hath neuer a man , or else cannot spare him from his work . But then is the poore man notably perplered , for shee will of purpose trouble him for euery trifle , more then shee would doe to another ; because it doeth her good to make a Drudge of him ( and so much the rather ) that hee may not afterwards haue any desire to goe abroade with her againe . Sometimes her stirrop is too long ; sometimes too short ; and he must still alight to make it fit : Sometimes shee will weare her Cloake , sometimes not , and then hee must carry it : Then finds she fault with her Hor●…es trotting which makes her sicke , and then she will alight and walke on foote , leauing him to leade the horses : Within a while after they come to a water , then must he be troubled to helpe her vp againe . Sometimes she can eate nothing that is in the Inne , then must hee ( being weary all day with Riding ; trudge vp and downe all the Towne , to finde ●…omething that will fit her stomacke ; All which notwithsta●…ding , shee will not be quiet : and not shée onely , but her Gossips also , will be bobbing and quibbing him , saying , that hee is not worthy to be a womās man. But he is so inured to these ●…anglings , that hee cares not for all their 〈◊〉 words . Well , at length to the Faire they come ; and then must he●… play the Squier in going before her ; making so much roome for them as he can : when there is any throng or presse of people , being ( very ch●…y of his wife , least she shuld be hurt or annoyed by thrusting . ) There moyles hee like a Horse , and sweates like a Bull , yet cannot all this please her . Some Dames of the companie , which are more flush in Crownes then her good man ; bestowes money on gold Kings , Hats , silke Gyrdles , Iewels , or some such toyes , yea , costly toyes ; which shee no sooner sees ; but presently she is on fire , vntill she haue the like : Then must hee herein content her ( if he loue his owne ease ; and haue he money or not , some shift must be made to satisfie her humor . Well now imagine them going homewards , and thinke his paine & trouble no lesse then it was cōming foorth , her Horse perhaps doth ●…ounder much , or trots too hard ; which is peraduenture by reason of a naile in his foote , or some other mischaunce . Then must he perforce buy , or hyre another horse ; & if he haue not money enough to doe so , then must he let her tide on his , and he trot by her side , like a Lackey . By the way she will aske for twenty things , for milke , because she cannot away with their drinke ; for Peares , Plums , & Cherries : When they come neere a Towne , he must run before to choose out the best Time ; eue●… & anon as she rides , she will of purpose let fall her wa●…d , her Maske , her Gloues , or some thing else for him to take vp , because she will not haue him idle ; When they are come home , shee will for a sortnight together doe nothing else but gad vp and downe amongst her Gossips , to tell them how many gay and straunge things shee hath seene , all that hath passed by the way , in going and comming , but especially of her good man , whom she will be sure to blame : sayin●… , that he did her no pleasure in the world , and that ( shee poore soule ) being sicke and wearie , could not get him to helpe her , or to prouide any thing for her that shee liked : And finally , that hee hath had no more care of her , then if shee had beene a méere straunger . But hee ( poore sot , ) finding at his returne , all things out of order , is not a little troubled to set them in due frame againe , and toyles excéedingly at his labour , that hee may recouer his charges which he hath bene at in this Iourney . But she , what for Gossipping , for Pride , and Idlenes , will not set he●… hands to any thing ; and yet if ought goe well , she will say it was through her héedfulnes , and good Huswiferie : If otherwise , then will she scold , and lay the fault thereof on him , although it be her owne doings . To be short , hauing thus gotten a vaine of Gadding , she will neuer leaue it , and hereby the poore man will be vtterly spoiled : for both his substance shal be wasted , his limbe●… through labour , fild with Aches , his féete with the Gowt , and Age comes on him before his time ; yet as thogh this were not eut●… enough , she wil be continually brawling , scolding , and complaining , how she is broken through Child-bearing . Thus is the silly man vp to the eares in Lobs-Pound , being on each side beset with care and trouble ; which hee takes for pleasure , and therein languish whiles he liues . CHAP. IX . The humour of a curst Queane , maried to a froward Husband . THe next humor that is incident to a Woman , is , when the Husband hauing entred very young into Lobs-pound , and there fettered himselfe by his too much folly , for a vaine hope of ticklish delights , which lasted but for a yeare or two , hath matched himselfe with a very froward and peruerse woman ( of which sort there are too many ) whose whole desire is to be Mistresseand to weare the Breeches ; or at least to beare as great a sway as himselfe . But hée being craftie , and with all crabbed , will in no wise suffer this vsurped soueraigntie , but in sundrie manners withstands it . And there hath bin great stirre and arguing about this matter betweene themselues , and now & then some battels : but do she what she can , either with her tongue or hands , notwithstanding their long controuersie ; which hath perhaps lasted at the least these twenty yeares , hee is still victorious , and holds his right : but you must thinke that his striuing for it all this while , hath bene no small trouble and veration vnto him ; besi●… all other aforesaid euils ; All which , or part thereof he hath likwise endured : Well , to be short , he hath perchance three or foure Children all married , and by reason of the great paines and trauell that hee hath taken in bringing them vp , prouiding them portions , maintaining his Wife , enc●…sing his stocke , or atleast keeping it from being diminished , and liuing with credit amongst his Neighbours : At last it may be hée hath gotten the Gowt , or some other dangerous disease , and withall is growne olde , and thereby féeble ; so that being set he can hardly rise , through an Ache that he hath got in his Arms or legges : Then is their long warre come to an end , and the case ( as Ployden saith ) cleane altered ; For his wife being younger then hee , and as Frolicke as euer shee was , will now be sure to haue her owne will in despight of his beard : Heereby the Poore man , which hath maintained the Combate so long , is now vtterlie put downe : his owne Children , which before hee kept in awe well enough , will now take heede to themselues , and if hee reprooue them for their leaudnes and disobedience , shee will maintaine them against him to his téeth , which must néedes bee a great griefe vnto him . But besides all this , he is in doubt of his Seruants ; for they likewise neglect their former duety , and leane altogether to their Mistresse ; so that hee Poore man , which now by reason of his sicknes , and féeblenes of bodie , hath more néede of attendance then euer he had , shall haue but very little or none at all ; For though hee be as wise and as carefull as euer he was , yet sith he cannot bestirre himselfe to follow them as hee was woont , they contemne , and make no more reckoning of him , then if he were a meere Foole. Then peraduenture his eldest Sonne , thinking that his Father liues too long : will take vpon him to guide the house , and disposing all things at his pleasure , as ( if his Father were become an Innocent , and could no longer looke to things as hee was woont ; ) Iudge you whether the Good man seeing himselfe thus abused by his Wife , Children , and Seruants , be grieued or not . If he purpose to make his Will , they will seeke all meanes to kéepe him from doing it , because they heare an Inkling , that hee will bestowe somewhat on the Parish , or will not bequeath his Wife so much as she would haue . To bee short , that they may make an ende of him the sooner , they will manie times leaue him in his Chamber halfe a day and more without meate , fire , or ought else , not one of them comming to sée what hee wants , or to doe him any seruice : his Wife is weary of him by reason of his spitting , c●…ughing , and groaning . All the loue and kindenesse , which hee had in former times shewed vnto her , is quite forgotten : but his strife for superioritie , and his crabbednes towards her , ( when shee had iustly mooued him , ) this shee can still as well remember , as when it was first done : Neither will she spare to prate thereof to her Neighbors : telling them that hee hath bene a bad man , and that shee hath led such a life with him , that if she had not bene a woman of great patience , shee could neuer haue endured to keepe house with so crabbed a Churle . She will likewise boldly reproach , and twit him in the téeth with those former matters , for it doth yet shrewdly sticke in her stomacke , that the could not till now be Mistresse . But he that was woont to charme her tongue , and keepe her vnder ; who , séeing him now in his distresse and weaknesse , takes aduantage , and continues his bad vsage : séeing also his Children , which should feare and reuerence him , taking part with their Mother , being taught and set on by her : séeing this ( I say , and being n●… lesse angrie then grieued , hée calles foure of them in a rage , and when they are c●…me before him , thus beginnes he to his wife . Wife , you are shee , whom by the Lawes of God and Man , I should loue and ●…éeme m●…re then any thing else in the worlde ; and you on the other side , should beare the like affection to mee : but whether you doe so or not , I referre it to your owne consciencè , I tell you I am not well pleased with your vsing of mee thus : I thinke you take nice still for the Maisser of the house as before you haue done , but whether you thinke so or not , bee sure I will be Maistar while I liue , yet ( you I thanke you ) do vse me , and account o●… me in very slight manner : I haue alwaies loued you well , neuer suffered you to lacke that which was méete : I haue in like sort loued , & also maintained your Children and mine , according to my degrée , and now both you and they doe very vnkindly requite me . Why ( saith shée ) what would you haue vs to doe : Wee doe the best we can , but you cannot tell your selfe what you would haue ? The better wee vse you , and the more we tende you , the worse you are : But you were neuer other ; alwayes brawling , and neuer quiet , neuer pleased full nor fasting : I thinke neuer woman was so long troubled with a crooked Postle as I haue bene . Ah Dame ( saith he ) leaue these words , I pray you ; then turning him to his eldest sonne , he saide : Sonne , I haue marueld at your vehauiour of late toward mee , and I tell you I am not well pleasad therewith : You are my eldest , and shall be mine heire , if you behaue your selfe as a childe ought to doe ; But you begin already to take state vpon you , and to dispose of my goods at your pleasure : I would not wish you to bee so forward , but rather while I liue , to serue and obey mee , as it becomes you to doe : I haue bene no bad Father vnto you , I haue nothing impaired or diminished , but increast that which was left me by my Father , which i●… you doe your dutie to mee ( as I did mine to him ) I will leaue to you after my decease as hee left to mee : but if you continue in your stubbornnesse and disobedience , before God ( I swe●…re , ) I will not bestowe one pennie or crosse vpon thee . Héere his Wife begins againe to thwart him ; Why , what would you haue him doe ? It is impossible for any one to please you ; h●…e shall haue enough to doe that shall alwa●…es tend you : I wis it is high time that you and I were both in Heauen , you know not your sélfe : what would you haue ? I ●…maruell what you ayle . Well , well , ( saith hee ) I pray you bee quiet , doe not maintaine him thus against mee , but it is alwayes your order . After this , the Mother and Sonne departing , consult together , and conclude , that hee is become a Childe againe , and because hee hath threatned to disinherite them , they resolue that no man shall bee suffered to come and speake with him : His Sonne takes vpon him more then before , being borne out by his Mother ; who together with him , makes euery one belieue that the Poore man is become childish , and that hee hath lost both his sense and memorie . If any of his honest Friendes and former acquaintance , which were woont to resort vnto him , come now to a●…e for him , his Wife will thus answere them . Alas he is not to be spoken with : and when he demaunds the cause thereof , doubting hee is dangerously sicke , Ah good Neighbor ( quoth she ) he is become an Innocent , euen a Childe againe ; so that I poore soule , must guide all the House , and take the whole charge of all things vpon me , hauing none to helpe me , but God be praised for all . In good ( faith the other ) I am very sorie to heare this , and doe much maruell at it ; for it is not long since I saw him , and spoke with him , and then he was in as good memorie , and spake with as good sense and reason as euer he did before . In trueth ( saith she ) he is now as I tell yee . Thus doth shee wrong and slaunder the Poore man , which hath alwayes liued in good credits , and kept his Houshold in very good order : but you may be well assured , that hee séeing himselfe in his Age thus despised and iniuried , and being not able to remedie himselfe , nor stirre without helpe from the place where he is , thereby to acquaint his Friends therewith , which might in his behalfe redresse it ; is not a little grieue●… , vexed , and tormented in his minde , with sorrow and anger : So that it is a great maruaile he fals not into dispaire ; For it is enough to make a Saint become impatient to bee vsed thus , by those which should obey , serue , and honour him . And in my opinion this is one of the greatest Corosiues that any man can féele : such is the issue of this great haste and extreame desire to bee in Lobs-Pound , where he must now remaine perforce , till Death doe ende ( at once ) both his life and languishing . CHAP. XIIII . The humour of a Woman giuen to all kinde of pleasures . AN other Humor incident to a Woman by nature is , wh●… the Husband ( thinking that Wedlocke was of all estates the happiest , and altogether replenished with delight and pleasure ) because hee saw same of his Friendes , who for a while after they were married , were very cheerefull and iocond , neuer ceaseth toyling and turmoyling himselfe till he haue gotten into Lobs-Pound , wherein he is presently caught fast like a Bird in a Net : for this comparison , if we do examine the particulars thereof , doth very fitly resemble his estate . The sillie Birdes which flye from tree to tree , and from field to field to seeke meate , when they see a great deale of Corne spilt on the ground , thinke themselues well apaide , and without any feare come thither to féede thereon , picking vp the graines of Corne , but alas they are deceiued , for on a sudden the net is drawne , and they are all fast tyde by the legs , and thence carried in a sacke or Panier one vpon another to the Fowlers house , then coopt vp in a Cage . Oh how happy would they thinke themselues , if they were againe at their former libertie to flye whither they list , but they wish too late : yet were this all the euill that they should endure , it were well , but ( which is 〈◊〉 ) they shall soone after haue their necks wrung off , and their little bodies spitted , to be made meate for men to eate . But they are herein farre more simple then the Birdes , for they being fast in Lobs-Pound , are so besotted with their owne sorrowes , that they haue no power to free themselues ; So likewise they haue no will to doe it . But to ●…rocéede , the Wife not louing her Husband , for so●…e defect which is in him , that shee may haue some colour for that 〈◊〉 doth , makes her Mother and other Friendes which blame her for it , belieue , that her Husband is bewitcht , and by reason of some Sorcery , made for the most part impotent ; Here upon she complaines of her ill Fortune , resembling it to those , which hauing the Cup at their noses , cannot drinke : meane while shee hath a sweete heart in a corner , who is not bewitched , who vseth her company so long , and with so little héede , that in the ende her Husband perceiues it , and falling into the vaine of Iealousie , beates 〈◊〉 fauouredly , and keepes a foule stirre both with blowes and words , so that shee not liking his vsage , giues him the slip , but then is hee cleane out of patience ; and so Husbands in this taking are so mad , that they neuerlin seeking them , and would giue halfe they are worth to finde her againe : who hauing thus plaide her pageant , and seeing her Husbands humor , compa●…s with her Mother , whose good will she will be sure to get by one meanes or other , ( whereas at the first shee will perhaps thinke hardly of her departure from her Husband ) she doth I say , so handle the matter with her , that shee will make the Good-man belieue her Daughter hath beene all this while at home with her , and that ●…he came to shunne his bad vsage , who ( had shee taried with him till then , had bene lamed foreuer . Before God ( quoth she ) I had rather you should restore her againe to mee , then beate her thus without cause , for I knowe that you suspect her wrongfully , and that shee hath neuer offended you : I wis I haue straitly examined her about it , but if s●… would haue bene naught , you did enough to prouoke her : By Gods passion I thinke few women could haue born●… it ; Well ( it may be ) that vpon these or the like terms he takes her again : it may bee also , that they are both desi●…ous to be diuorced , each accusing other , and seeking to winde themselues againe out of Lobs-Pound , but in vaine : For , either the causes that they alleadge are not thought sufficient by the Iudge , how hard so euer they pleade , but must of force continue still together , are laughed to scorne of all that heares the cause : or if they be separated , yet will not all this set them frée , but rather plunge them in déeper then before , but neither of them can marrie whiles the other liues : and their Chastitie so brittle ( especially hers , ) that ●…olde it cannot , nor long endure . Shee who was woont to be so frollicke , must needes continue so still ; Nay peraduenture , being now without controlment , followes her euill and leaud life , more fréely then before : and whereas she was but ear●… a priuate Queane , shee is now common in the way of Good-fellowshippe ; or else some lustie Gallant takes her into his house , and shelters her by his nose , which must needes be vnto him an exceeding inward griefe , and an open disgrace and shame in the eyes of the world : and which is worse , hee knowes not how in the world to remedie it , but must perforce endure both , while this miserable life doth last . CHAP. IX . ¶ The humour of a Woman to gether Daughter a Husband , hauing made a little Wanton escape . THe next humor that a Woman is addicted vnto , is , when a lustie young Gallant Riding at pleasure vp and downe the Countrey , but especially to those places of sportes and pleasure where the finest Dames and dainty Gyrles méete , who can finely mince their Measures , hauing their Tongues trained vp to all kinde of Amorous chat ; in which delightfull exercises , this Yonker both by reason of his youth , his loose bringing vp , and naturall Inclination , takes a great felicitie in such vaine companie : and so much the rather , because he findes himselfe ( alwayes welcommed , and kindely entertained to such places ) and the reason is , the comelinesse of his person , his amiable countenance , and quainte behauiour : for who so euer hath these good helpes , shall want no fauour at Womens handes : It may bee also , that his Parents are still liuing , and hee their onely ioy , they hauing perhaps no Childe but him , so that all their most delight is in maintaining him brauely . It may bee also , that he is newly come to his Landes , and loues to see fashions , though it cost his purse neuer so largely . If any Gentle-woman offer any kindenesse , hee is ready to requite it : and at length through long prauncing to many places , h●… lights on one that both exceedingly please his eye , and 〈◊〉 his heart , shee is perhaps Daughter to some Gentle-man , some Citizen , or some worthy Farmer . She hath a cleane comple●…ion , a ●…e proportion , and wanton eye , a dainty ●…oong , and a sharpe wit , by reason of all which good gifts , shee is gr●… very famous . She hath bene wooed , sued , and courted by the brauest Galla●…is in that countrey ; of whome pehaps some one being more forward and couragious then the rest , hath offered her such kindenes , as stickes by her Ribs a good while after , and would needes inforce this courtesie with such importunitie , that shee had not the power to resist it : for a woman that hath her fiue wittes , if she be withall of a cheerfull Sanguine complexion , cannot be so vnkinde , or so hard-harted , as to denie , or repulse the petition of an amorous Friend , if he doe any thing earnestly prosecute the same . And ( to be plaine ) be shee of what Complexion soeuer , shee will be nothing slacke to graunt such a sute . But to returne to our purpose , by reason of her tender compassion , and kinde acceptance of this proffered seruice , it so falls out she hath plaide false , then is there no other shift but to keepe it both secret and close , and to take such order as they best can , for smoothing vp of the matter ; he that hath done the déede being a poore young man , though proper of bodie , and perhaps can daunce very well , by which good qualitie he wonne her fauour , and within a while after , croyt the flower of her Maidenhead : hee ( I say ) after a checke or two , and no farther matter , ( least this priuy scape should be openly knowne ) is warned from comming any more to the house , or frequenting her company whatsoeuer . But now you must note , that shee being but a simple Gyrle , betwéene fourtéene and fiftéene yeares of Age , nothing expert , but rather a nouice in such matters , and hauing bene but lately deceiued , knowes not her selfe how it is with her : But her mother which by long experience hath gotten great Iudgement , doth by her colour , her complaining of paine at her hart and stomack , with other like tokens perceiues it well enough , and hauing ( as before I saide ) eassierde the author of the action ; Then takes she her Daughter aside , and schooles her so , that in the end shee con●…esseth that hee hath beene dallying with her , but shee knowes not whether to any purpose or not . Yes ( saith her Met●…er , ) it is to such purpose ( as by these signes I know very well ) t●…t you haue therby both shamed yourselfe and all our friends , and spoyled your Marriage quite and cleane . To be short , ha●…ng somewhat chid her after the common order , for hauing no more respect nor care of her honestie , ( yet not chiding very extreamely , because shee knowes the frailtie of Youth by her owne former experience ) she concludes thus comfortably : sith it is done , and cannot be altogether remedied , she will seeke ( both to hide and salue the matter as well as shee can ) charging her Daughter to set a good countenance on it , least it should be suspected , and to follow her counsell and commaundement in all things : whereunto the poore Wench willingly consenteth , then the Mother proceedes thus : You knowe Maister T. A that commeth hither so often , hee is you see a proper Gentleman , and a rich Heire , to morrowe hee hath appointed to be here againe ; Looke that you giue him good entertainment , and shewe him good countenance . When you sée mée and the rest of our Guests talking and discoursing together , euer and anon cast your Eye on him , in the kindest and louingest manner that you can : If hee séeme desirous to speake with you , bee not coy , but heare him willingly , answere him courteously . If hee intreate Loue of you , tell him that you know not what it meanes , and that you haue no desire at all to know it ; yet thanke him for his good will : for that woman is too vncourteous and vnciuill , which will not vouchsafe the hearing or gentlie answering to those that loue her , and wish her well . If hee offer you Money , take none in any case ; if a Ring , or a Gyrdle , or any such thing , at the first refuse it , yet kindely and with great thankes : but if hee vrge it on you twise or thrise , take it ; telling him , sith that hee will néedes bestowe it on you , you will weare it for his sake . Lastly , when hee takes his leaue , aske him when hee will come againe ? These Instructions being thus giuen , and the Plot laide for the fetching in of this kinde foole into L●… Pound . The next day he commeth , and is on all hands more kindely welcome and entertained : after dinner , hauing had great cheare , the Mother falles in talke with the other Guests , and this frollicke Nouice gets him as neere to her Daughter as hee can , and while the others are hard in ●…hat , he takes her by the hand , and thus begins to co●…rt her . Gentlewoman , I would to God you knewe my thoughts . Your thoughts Sir ( saith she ) how should I know them , except you tell them mee : If may be you thinke some thing that you are loth to tell . Not so ( saith he ) yet I would you knew it without telling . But that ( saith she smiling ) is vnpossible . Then ( qd . he ) if I might doe it without offence , I would aduenture to tell you them . Syr ( saith she ) you may fréely speake your pleasure ▪ for I doe so much assure mee of your honestie , that I know you will speake nothing that may procure offence . Then thus ( saith he ) I acknowledge without faining , that I am farre vnworthy of so great a fauour , as to bee accepted for your Seruant , Friend , and Louer , which art so fai●… , so gentle , and euery way so gratious , that I may truely say , you are replenished with all the good gifts that Nature can plant in any mortall creature : But if you would vouchsafe me this vndeserued grace , my good will , diligence , and continuall forwardnesse to serue and please you should neuer faile : but I would therein equall the most loyall Louer that euer liued , I would est●…me you more then any thing else , and tender more your good name and credit then mine owne . God Syr ( quoth shee ) I heartily thanke you for your kinde offer , but I pray you speake no more of such matters ; for I neither knowe what Loue is , nor yet care for knowing it : This is not the lesson that my Mother teacheth me now adayes . Why ( saith hee ) if it please you she shall know nothing of it ; yet the other day I heard her talke of preferring you in marriage to one Maister G. R. How say you to that ( quoth shee ? ) Marie ( thus answeres the Gentleman , ) If you would vouchsafe to entertaine me for your Seruant , I would ●…uer marry , but onely relie vpon your fauour . But that ( saith she ) should be no profite to either of vs both , and beside it would be to my reproch , which I had not thought you would seeke . Nay ( qd . he ) I had rather die then séeke your discredit . Well sir ( saith she ) speake no more hereof , for if my Mother should perceiue it , I were vtterly vndono . And it may be her Mother makes her a signe to giue ouer , fearing that shee doth not play her part well . At the breaking vp of their amorous Parley , hee conueyes into her hand a gold Ring , or some such toy , desiring her to take it and keepe it for his sake : which at the 〈◊〉 , ( according to her Mothers precepts ) shee doth refuse ; but vpon his more earnest vrging of it , she is content to take it in the way of honestie , and not on any promise or condition of any farther matter ; when it was brought to this passe , the mother makes motion of a iourney to be made the next morning , some ten or twelue miles off , to visite , or feast with some Friend , or to some Faire , or whatsoeuer other occasion presents it selfe : To this motion they all agree , and afterwards sit downe to supper , where hee is placed next the Daughter , who caries her selfe so toward him with her piercing glaunces , that the young Heire is set on fire therewith : Well , morning comes , they mount on Horse-backe , and by the opinion of them all , there is neuer a Horse in the company that can carry double but his ; So the Gull is appointed to haue the Maiden ride behinde him , whereof he is not a little proude : and when he feeles her holde fast by the middle , ( which shee doth to stay her selfe the better ) he is euen rauished with ioy . After their returning home , which perhaps will be the same night , the Mother taking her Daughter aside , questions with her , touching all that had passed betm●…ne the amorous gallant and her ; which when her Daughter hath rehearsed , then procéedes the wilie Gran-dame thus . If he Court thée any more ( as I knowe hee will , ) then make him answere that thou hast hearde thy Father and mée talke of matching thee with Maister G. R. but that thou hast no desire as yet to bee married : If he then offers to make thée his Wife , and vse any comparisons of his worth and wealth , as though hee were euery way as good as he , thanke him for his good will and kindnes , and tell him that thou wilt speake with mee about it , and that for thy owne part thou couldst find in thy hart to haue him to thy Husband rather then any man else : vpon this lesson the Daughter sleepes , reuoluing it all night in her minde . The next morning shee walkes into the Garden , and this lusty Yonker followes ; when hauing giuen her the time of the day , he falls to his former sute . Shee willes him to giue ouer such talke , or she will leaue his companie : Is this the Loue you beare me ( qd . shee ) to seeke my dishonestie ? You knowe well enough that my Father and Mother are minded to bestowe mee otherwise . Ah my sweete Mistresse ( saith hee ) I would they did so farre fauour me herein , as they do him ; I dare boldly say and sweare it , and without vaine glory vtter it , that I am euery way his equall . Oh sir , ( answeres thee ) I would hee were like you . Ah sweete Mi●tres ( saith he ) you deigne to thinke better of mee then I deserue but if you would farther vouchsafe me the other fauour , I should esteeme my selfe most happie . In troth Syr , ( saith she ) it is a thing that I may not doe of my selfe , without the counsell and consent of my Parents , to whom I would gladly moue it , if I thought they would not bee offended : But it would be so much the better if you breake the matter vnto them ; and be sure , if they referre the matter to mee , you shall speede so soone as anie . Hee being rauisht with these words , and yeelding her infinite thankes , trots presently to the Mother , to get her good will. To be short , ( with some little adoo ) the matter is brought about , euen in such sort as he would desire : they are straight way Contracted , and immediately Wedded , both because that her Friends feare that the least delay will preuent all , and because he is so hot on the spurre , that he thinks euery houre a year , till it be done . Well , the Wedding night comes , wherein shee behaues her selfe so ( by her Mothers counsel ) that he dares sweare on the Bible that hee had her Maidenhead . Within a while after , it comes to his Friends eares , without whose knowledge he hath marryed himselfe , who are exce●ding sory , knowing shee was no meete match for him , and it may be they haue heard ; withall of his Wiues hum●…r : but now there is no reme●…y , the knot is knit , and cannot be vndone , they m●…st therefore haue patience perforce . Well , hee brings his faire Bride home to his owne house , where ( God wo●…e ) he hath but a small time of pleasure , for within three or foure moneths after their Mariage , she is brought to Bed ; Iudge then in what taking the poore man is ? If he put her away , his shame will be publike , shee growes common , and hée not be permitted to marrie againe while hee liues , and if he kéepe her still , loue her he cannot , suspect her he will , and she both hate him , and perhaps séeke his ende ; Finally , all the ioyes , pleasures and delights which before time they had , are all turned to brawles , banning , cursing , and fighting . Thus is hee hampered in Lobs-Pound , where he must 〈◊〉 force remaine , till death ende his liues miseries . CHAP. XII . ¶ The humour of a Woman being matched with an oucrkinde Husband . THere is another humor incident to a Woman , which is , when a Young man hath turmoyled and tossed himselfe so long , that w much ad●… he hath gotten into Lobs-pound , and hath perhaps met with a Wife according to his owne desire , and perchaunce such a one , that it had beene better for him to haue lighted on an other ; yet hee likes her so well , that he would not haue mist her for any golde , for in his opinion there is no Woman aliue like vnto her , hee hath a great delight to heare her speake , is proude of his match , and peraduenture is withall of so shèepish a nature , that hee hath purposed whollie to gouerne himselfe by her counsell and direction ; So that if any one speake to him about a bargaine , or whatsoeu●… other businesse , he telles them that he will haue his Wiues opinion in it , and if she he content , hee will goe through with it ; if not , then will he giue it ouer . Thus is he as same and pliable , as a Iack an-Apes to his kéeper . If the Prince set forth an Arn●…e , and she be vnwilling that he should goe , who ( you may thinke ) wil aske her leaue , then must he stay at home , fight who will for the Countrey : But if shee be at any time desirous to haue his roome ( which many times she likes better then his company ) she wants no iourneyes to imploy him in , and hee is as ready as a Page to vndertake them : If she chide , he answers not a word , generally , whatsoeuer shee doeth , or how souer , hee thinkes it it well done . Iudge now in what a case this sillie Calfe is in ; ( Is not hee thinke you , finely drest ) that is in such subiecion ? The honestest Woman , and most modest of that Sere , if shee weare the Bréeches , shee is so out of reason in taunting and controlling her Husband ; for this is their common fault , and be shee neuer so wise , yet , because a Woman , scarceable to gouerne her selfe , much lesse her Husband , and all his affaires ; for were it not so , doubtles GOD would haue made her the head : which sith it is otherwise , what can be more preposterous , then that the Head should be gouerned by the Foote ? If then a wise and honest Womans superioritie be vnseemely , and bréede great inconueniences , &c : how is he drest ( thinke you ) if hee light on a fond , wanton , and malicious Dame ? Then ( doubtles ) hee is soundly sped ; she will not stick to kéepe a swéet heart vnder his nose , yet is hee so blinde that hee can perceiue nothing , but for more securitie , shee will many times send him packing beyond-Sea , about some odde errand , which she will buzze in his eares , and he will performe it at her pleasure , albeit she send him foorth at midnight , in Raine , Haile , or snowe , for he must be a man fit for all weathers : Their Children ( if they haue any ) must néeds be brought vp , apparelled , fedde , and taught , onely according to her pleasure : and one speciall point of their learning , is alwaies to make no account of their Father . If anie of their Children be Daughters , she wil marry them according to her minde , to whome she list , when she list , and giue with them what dowrie shee list , without acquainting him therewith , till shee haue concluded the match , and then shee telles him , ( not to haue his consent ) but as a Maister may tell his Seruant , to giue him di●…ien how to behaue himselfe to deale therein : Finally , thee orders all things as shee thinkes best her selfe , making no more account of him , ( especially if hée bee in yeares , ) then men doe of an olde Horse which is past labour . Thus is he mewed vp in Lobs-Pound , plunged in a Sea of cares , and Cor●…slues , yet hee ( kinde Foole ) deemes himselfe most happie in his vnhappines , where he must now perforce remaine while his life doth last , and great pitti●… it were hee should want it , sith he likes it so well . CHAP. XIII . The humour of a Woman whose Husband is gone beyond the Seas vpon some businesse . ANother humor of a Woman is , when the Husband hath bene married some seuen or eight yeeres , more or lesse , a●… as hee thinkes he hath met with a good Wife as any man can haue , with whome hee hath continued all the aforesaide time , with great delights and pleasures : But ad●…t hee bee a Gentleman , and that hee is desirous to purchase honour by following Armes , and in this humour bee is resolued to make a steppe abroade , and not to tarry alwayes like a cowardly Drone , by the smoke of his owne chimney : but when he is ready to depart , she hauing her chéekes blubbered with teares , falles about his necke , colles , kisseth , and embraceth him , then wéeping , sighing , and sobbing , she thus begins to him . Ah sweete Husband , will you now leaue mee ? Will you thus depart from mee , and from your louing Children , which knowes not when we shall see you againe ; or whether you shall euer come home againe or no ? Alas sweete Husband goe not ; Tarry with vs still , if you leaue vs , wee are vtterly vndone . Ah swéete Wife ( saith hee ) disswade me not from this enterprise : which concernes my credite and alléageance ; for it is our Princes commaundement , and I must obey : but bée you well assured , I will not be long from you ( if it please God. ) Thus doth hee co●…rt and quiet her in the best so it that he can , and be she neuer so importunate , be her teares ●…uer so manie , her intreaty neuer so forcible , yet goe hee will , essoeming his renowne and duty to his Prince and countrey , more then wife and Children , though next to it , hee estée●… and loue th●… chiefest of all other . And at his departure , he recommends them to the care and curtesie of his chiefest Friendes ; Yet some there be , whose tender harts melt so easily with kind compassion , that one of their Wiues teares , & the lea●… of their intreats , will tye them so fast by the Legge at home , that they will not stirre one foote from her sweet side , neither for King nor Ke●… , wealth nor honor . These ate Crauens , and vnworthy to be ●…lled Gentlemen . But to returne to this vallorous and braue minded Gentleman , of whome wee spake before , it may bee , that either by the long continuance of the 〈◊〉 ; or by his 〈◊〉 , in ●…eing taken Prisoner ; or some other l●… , hee comes not home in foure or fiue yeares , and all that while there is no ●…es of him , you may be sure that his Wife is a sorrowfull woman , & whollie surcharged with griefe , being thus deprined of her louing Mate , & hearing nothing of his estate . But all things haue an ende , and shee seeing that in so long time , shee can heare no tydings of him , doth peremptorily conclude that he is dead . Then considering to liue comfortles in Widowes estate , were an vncoath life , she determines to marry her selfe to some one , so soone as conuentently she may , which will be soone enough ; for a faire Woman , if willing , can want no choyce . Thus her former sorrow is somewhat alaide , and within a while after , cleane extinguisht , by the fresh delights , pleasures , contents , and sollace , which this newe choyce doth yéelde . So that now her other Husband is whollie forgotten , her Children which shee had by him little regarded , and the Goods which belong to them , are spent on others , while the poore wretches , want things néedfull , but not blowes & hard vsage . To be short , the teares which she be●…owed on her other husband at his departure is dry●…d vp , her imbraces vanished . And whosoeuer should see her with this second Husband , and what kindnes shee shewes vnto him , would verily thinke that she loues him far better then she did the first , who in the meane while is either taken prisoner , or else fighting in extreame hazard of his life . But in the ende it chanceth so , that by paying his Ransome , ( if hee haue bene Prisoner , ) home he comes , cleane chaunged through the many troubles he hath had : And being come somewhat ●…éere , failes not to enquire of his Wife and Children , for hee is in great feare , that they are either dead , or in some great distresse . And doubtles in the time of his Imprison●…ent or other dangers , hee haue oft thought , oft dreamed or them , and oft sorrowed for them , oft besought God to preserue and blesse them . And that perhaps sometimes , at the very instant when she was in the others armes , toying and dallying , and in the middest of her delights . Well , enquiring ( as ●…eforesaid ) heares that thee is married againe , then iudge you with what griefe hee heares it . But his griefe is bootelesse , for now the matter is past remedie , if he haue any care of his credite , any regard of his estimation , hee will neuer take her more , though perhaps the other , hauing had his pleasure of her , could be well content either to restore her to him , or to leaue her to any one else . Shoe on the otherside is vtterly shamed , and her name stained with perpetuall reproch , and neither hée nor shée can marry whiles they liue . Their poore Children are likewise grieued and shamed at their Mothers infamy , Sometimes likewise 〈◊〉 happens , that for the Wiues cause , the Husband being 〈◊〉 , doth quarrel , & perhaps combat with him , who being better then himselfe , doth either wound or kill him , and the occasion hereof , sprung from their Wiues pride ; because ( forsooth ) she will take the wall of the others wife , or sit aboue her , whome shee 〈◊〉 no wise suffer , nor loose an inch of her estate , and here vpon the Husbands must together by the eares . Thus the supposed blessednes which hee expected by plunging himselfe in Lobs-Paund , is turned into sorrow , trouble , danger , and continuall discontent while life doth last . CHAP. XIIII . The humor of a Woman that hath bene twise married . THere is another humor belonging to a Woman , which is , when a Young man ( hauing found the way into Lobbes Pound , ) méetes with a Wife of like yéeres , fresh , lustie , Faire , kinde , and gracious ; with whom she hath liued two or three yeares , in all delightes , iores , and pleasure , that any married couple coul●… haue , neuer did the one displease the other ; neuer soule word past betwixt them , but they are almost still colling and billing each other , like a couple of Dones . And Nature hath framed such Simpathy betwéene them , that if the one bee ill at ●…ase or discontented , the other is so likewiss . But in the midst of this their mutuall loue and sollace , it chanceth that she dies , whereat hee grieues so extreamely , that hee is almost beside himselfe with sorrowe : hee mournes , not onely in his Apparell , for an obtward shewe , but vnfainedly , in his very heart ; and that so much , that hee shunnes all places of pleasure , and all companie , liues solitarily , and spends the time in daily complaintes and mones , and bitterly bewailing the losse of so good a wife , wherin no man can iustly bl●…me him , for it is a losse worthy to be lamented , and a Iewell , which whosoeuer hath , is happie ( but this happines is very rare . To be short , his thoughts are all on her , and shee so firmely printe●… in his minde , that whether he sléepe or wake , shee séemes alwayes to be in sight , but as all things hath an ende , so heere had sorrow●… . After a while , some of his Friendes ha●…ing spyed out a second match , which as they thinke is very fitte for him , doe preuaile so much with him , through her perswasions , that he accepts it , and marries himselfe againe , but not as before , with a young Maide , but with a lusty Widow , of a middle age , and much experience , who by the fryall which she had of her first Husband , knowes how to handle the second : but that she may doe it the better , she doth not presentiy discouer her humor , till shee haue throughly markt how hee is inclined , what his conditions are , and what his nature is which finding it mild , and kind , & very flexible ( the fittest mould to cast a Foole in ) hauing now the full length of his foole , then shewes she her selfe what she is , vnmasking her dissembling malice ; her first attempt is to vsurpe Superioritie , and so become his head , and this she obtaines without any great difficultie , for there is nothing so lauish as a simple and well-natured young man , being in subiection , that is married to a Widowe , especially if she be , ( as the most of them are ) of a peruerss and crabbed nature . I may very well compare him to an vnfortunate wretch , whose ill happe is to be cast into some strong Prison , vnder the keeping of a most cruell and pittilesse Iaylor , that is not moued to compassion , but rather to great rigour , in beholding the miseries of this pore wretch , whose onely refuge in this distresse , is to pray vnto God , to giue him 〈◊〉 to endure this crosse , for i●… he complaine of his hard vsage , it will afterwards prooue worse . But to procéede : This iolly Widowe will within a while growe Iealous , feare and suspect that some other Dame hath part of that which shee so earnestly ●…reth , and wherewith she could neuerbe satis●…ed , so that if hee glut not her insatiable humor , straightway shee conceiueth this opinion : If he doe but onely talke , nay , ( which is worse ) looke on any other Woman , for she by her good will would be alwayes in his armes , or at the least in his companie : For as to the Fish which hauing bene in water , that through the heate of the Sommer is halfe dryed vp , beginnes to sticke full of mudde , séekes for fresh water , and hauing found it , doth willingly remaine therin , and will in no wise returne to his former place : Euen so an olde Woman , hauing gotten a young man , will cling to him like Iuy to an Elme . But on the other side , a Young man cannot loue an olde Woman , howsoeuer hee doth dissemble , neither is there any , that more endaungers his death : for it is with him , as with one that drinketh mu●…y wine , who if hee b●… thirstie , séeles nothing whiles hee is drinking , but at the ende of his draught , hee féeles such a displeasing take , that it doeth almost fume his stomacke . But if Young-men in no wise can fancie old Women , what lo●…e thinke you young-women can beare to olde men , when besides the suudry imperfections of their Age , which are so loathsome , that it is impossible for a fresh young tender Damsell , ( be she neuer so vertuous ) to endure their companie , much lesse the kisses and imbraces of the person which hath them ; All the lusty Gallants thereabouts will not faile to vse whatsoeuer denises and meanes possible for the horning of the old Dotard ; hoping that shee will be easily wonne to wantonnes : and surely they ground this hope on great likelyhood ; For sith it is no difficult exploite to grafte the like kindnes on a Young-mans forhead , who is able in farre better measure to féede his Wiues appetite , and shee hath therefore more cause to bee true to him , it may surely séeme no great matter to performe the likepiece of seruice with this other vnfortunate Dame. But now to returne to our Young-man , yoakt ( as before I said ) to this old Widow , I thus conclude , that his estate is most miserable : For besides the daunger of his health , an●… besides the subiection , Nay , rather seruitude which hee liues in , this third euill , ( I meane his wiues Iealousie ) is alone an vntollerable torment vnto him ; So that be he neuer so quiet , neuer so desirous to content her , neuer so searefull to displease her , yet cannot hee auoyd her brawles , obiections , and false accusations of leaudnes and disloyaltie ; for an olde Woman infected with Iealousie , is like a hellish Furie . If hee goe to any of her Friends about businesse , yea , to the Church to serue God , yet will shee alwayes thinke the worst , and assure her selfe , that hee playes false , though indeede he be neuer so continent ; who whatsoeuer he pleadeth in his owne defence ; yea , though hee proue himselfe blamelesse , by such reasons as shee can by no reason confute , yet will not all this satisfie her : such is the peruersenesse of her stubborne , crabbed , and malicious nature , made worse by Dotage and raging Iealousie : for being priuse to her owne de●…ectes , and knowing that he by reason of his youth and hansomnes may perchance fall in fa●…our with a yong dame , thinking withall that a yong man , when he may haue such a match , will be loth to leaue it for a worse , or preferre sower verince before swéete wine . She concludes peremptorily in these suggestions as before . Loe heere the issues of this asses turning into Lobs pound , & intangling of himselfe againe , when he had once gotten out to his former libertie , which if he once more looke for , he is mad ; for he must now perfor●…e continue there while life doth last , which by this meanes will be farre shorter , and he looke farre older , hauing béene but two yeares married with this olde crib , then if he had liued ten yeares with a young wife . CHAP. XV. The humor of a young woman giuen ouer to all kind of wantonnesse . THere is yet another humor that a woman is subiect too , which is , when an vnfortunate yong man hauing long laboured to get into Lobs pound , and hauing in the end obtained his desires , doth match himselfe with a lustie wanto●… young wench , which without feare of him , or care of her owne credit , takes her pleasure fréely , and withall so ouerboldly , and vnaduisedly , that within a while her husban●… perceiues it , who thereupon being not a little inraged , doth in the heate of his impatience , after much brawling on both sides , roughly and desperately threaten her , thinking thereby to terrifie her , and make her honest by compulsion : But that makes her worse , for whereas before she did it for wantonnes , now will she doe it for despight : and what with the one and the other , be so inflamed , that were she sure to be killed for it , yet would she not leaue it : Which he perceiuing , watching her ●…oings so narrowly , that in the end he sées her swéete heart come closely to his house , then being on fire with furie , runnes hastily to surprise him , and enters his wiues chamber with full purpose to kill him , though he had ten thousand liues : But iudge you in what a ta●…ing the poore yong man is in , seeing himselfe thus surprised , and looking for nothing else but present death , because he hath nothing to defend himselfe . But she for whose sake he hath incurred this daunger , ●…oth kindely frée him by this stratagem , for as her husband is readie to strike or stab him , she catcheth him hastily about the middle , crying out , Alas man what doe you meane ? While shée thus staies her husband , the younger betakes him to his heeles , running downe the staires amaine , and out of the doores , as if the Diuell were at his taile , and after him the good man as fast as he can driue . But when hee sees that he cannot ouertake him , hee turnes backe in a like rage , to wreake his anger on his wife . But shée dreading as much , gets her hastily ( before his returne ) to her mother , to whom shee complaines of his causelesse suspition , and diuellish furie , iustifying her selfe , as if she were not the woman , that would commit so leaud a part : But her mother sifting the matter narrowly , her daughter cousesseth her fault , but to make it séeme the lesse , shee tels her a large Tale of the young mans unportunitie , who for so long time together , did continually trouble her , and whether soeuer shee went , hee would be sure to follow her , begging pittifully her loue and fauour , that she had often sharpely answered him , and flatly denied his sute , yet could she not for all that be rid of him : so that in the end , she was inforst for her owne quietnes to graunt his request . She repeates withall , how kindly and intirely he loues her , how much he hath bestowed on her , how many soule iournies he hath had for her sake , in raine and snow , as well by night as day , in danger of théeues , in perrill of his life , and how narrowly he escaped her husband the last time , so that for very pittie and compassion , she was moued to fauour him , and no woman could be so hard harted , as to suffer so true and kind a yong man to languish for her loue , and die vnregarded : for on my life mother ( saith she ) if I had not yéelded , he would haue dyed for thought . The Mother hearing her Daughter to say thus , accepts her answere for currant , and thinkes that shee hath sufficiently iustified her selfe ; but to preuent further scandale , and to appease her angry sonne in Law , and reconcile her Daughter vnto him , by casting a mist before his eyes , she takes this course , she sends for her s●…eciall Gossips and Companions , whose counsels in like cases , shee doth vse : They comming at the first call , and being all assembled , either before a good fire ( if it be Winter ) or in a gréene Arbor ( if it be Sommer ) one of them noting her daughters heauy countenance , demaunds the cause thereof : Marie , ( saith she ) she hath had a mischaunce , about which , I haue made bolde to trouble you , and craue your aduice : With that shee recounts the whole matter vnto them , but shewing the true cause of her Husbands anger : To be short , she hath ready two or thrée pottles of Wine , and a few Iunkets , which they prosently fall aboord on , that they may the better giue their seuerall verdit●… afterwards ; meane while they comfort the yong woman , bidding her assure her selfe , that her Husband is more perplexed then she ; and that I know by mine owne experience , for my husband and I were once at variance , but he could neuer be quiet til we were made friends . In good faith Gossip ( saith another ) & so serued I mine . Another makes a motion to send for the young Gallant that is so true a louer to her Gossips daughter , that his presence may chéere her , and rid away her melancholly . This motion doth her Mother faintly contradict , but in the end most voyces preuailes , he is sent for , and comes with a trice ; then there is much good chat , manie a reproach and kinde scoffe giuen the poore Husband : And to mend the matter comes in the Chamber-maide ; who was priuie to all the former close packing betwéene her Mistresse and her swéete heart , and for her ●…lence and imployment , in furthering both their contents , shee hath gotten a good new Gowne , and somewhat else . It may bée her Maister hath sent her abroad about some businesse , or perhappes she coynes an excuse of her selfe , thereby onely to make a steppe ab●…oade to sée her Mistresse , and to bring her some newes how all things goes at home : Shee hath no sooner set her foote within the roome where they are , then one of them askes how her maister doth ? My maister ( saith she ) I neuer saw a man in that taking : I dare say that since yesterday morning when this misfortune happened , he hath not eaten one crum , dranke one drop , or slept one winke all yesternight . To day he sat downe to dinner , and put one bit in his mouth , but could not swallow it , for he spit it out presently , and sat a good while after in a dumpe : In the end striking his knife on the table , he rose hastily , and went into the garden , and immediately came in againe : To be short , he is altogether out of temper , and can rest no where : he doth nothing but sigh and sob , and he lookes like a dead man : hereat they laugh apace , and to be short , they determine that two of the chiefe of them , shall goe and speake with him the next morning , and that when they are in the midst of their talke the rest shall come in afterward . The mother with her two Gossips , according to this plot doe procéede in the matter . And next morning finding him in his dumpes , one of them gentilly askes him what he ayles : hereto he answeres onely with a sigh : whereupon she takes occasion thus to speake . In good faith gossip I must chide you , my gossip your wiues mother told me I know not what of a disagréement betwéene your wife and you , and a certaine fond humor that you are fallen into : I wis I am sorry to heare it : And before God you are not so wise as I had thought you had bene , to wrong your wife thus without a cause , for I durst lay my life there is no such matter . By this good day ( saith another ) I haue knowne her euer since she was a little one , both maide and wife , and I neuer saw but well by the woman : And in good sooth it gréeues me to the very heart , that her name should now come in question without caus●… : Before God , you haue done the poore woman that disgrace , and so stained her good name , that you will neuer be able to make her amends . Then ●…teppes in the chamber-maid with her fiue egges . In good faith ( saith she ) I know not what my maister hath séene , or whereon he doth ground his suspition , but I take God to my witnes , that I neuer saw any such matter by my mistresse , and yet I am sure that if there were any such thing , I should sée it assoon●… as an other . Gods body D●…b ( saith hee , all inraged ) wilt th●… face me downe of that which my selfe saw ? Oh Gossip , ( quoth one of the Dames ) God forbid that euery man & woman which is alone together should doe euill . I denie not ( saith the Chambermaide , ) that the villainous Knaue hath long sued vnto my Mistresse for such a matter ; but by my honesty Maister , I know that there is neuer a man aliue whom she hates most : and rather then she would commit any such follie with him , she would see him hangd , and be burned her selfe : I maruell how the Diuill hée got into the house ? Here the other Gossips come in , one after another , and each giues her verdit : In good faith ( Gossip saith one ) I thinke , that next your wife , there is neuer a woman in the world that loues you better then I doe : and if I knew or thought any such matter , I would not let to tell you of it . Surely ( saith another ) this is but the Diuels work to set them at variance ; for he cānot abide that Husband & Wife should liue well together . In good faith saith the third , the poore woman doth nothing but weepe . By Christ , ( qd the fourth ) I feare it will cost her her life , she grieues and takes on in such sort . Then comes the Mother wéeping and crying out , making as though shee would scratch out his eyes with her nailes ; exclaiming in this sort . Ah cursed Caitiffe , woe worth the houre that euer my Daughter matcht with thée , to be thus shamed and slandered , and haue her name spotted without cause . But shee is well enough serued , that would take such a base Churle , when she might haue had sundry good Gentlemen . Ah good Gossip ( saith another ) be not out of patience . Ah Gossip ( saith shee ) if my Daughter were in fault , by our good Lord I would kill her my selfe . But thinke yée I haue no cause to be moued , when I sée my childe , being guiltles thus vsed ? With that shee flings out of doores in a rage , and all the Gossips come vppon him thicke and thréefolde , who is so full of sundrie thoughts , and so grieued and troubled , that hee knowes not whereon to resolue , nor what to say . In the ende they growing somewhat calmer , promise , if hee will , to vndertake the reconciling of him and his W●…s , which hee most earnestly desireth them to doe . They accordingly performe it , so that all controuerties are ended , all strife ceased , the matter hushed vp , and his Wife taken home againe , who taking greater courage by the successe hereof , and being now cleane past shame , will growe farre bolder in her villainy then before . And hée poore Meacocke , on the other side , hauing his courage thus quailed , will neuer afterwards fall at oddes with her , for feare of the like storme , but will suffer her to haue her owne saying in all things , and bée in a manner subiect to her , spending the remnant of his life , in care , feare , discontent and griefe , his Goods wasting hée knowes not how , and himselfe become a laughing stocke to all that knowes him . FINIS . Notes, typically marginal, from the original text Notes for div A20038-e110 Not she for twentie pound good woman Alas poore soule . The Fox will cate no grapes No more like the woman I was , then an apple is like an oyster . Being tyred with scolding , as a hackney Iade with trauell . A maid sit for such a mistres . Better then two yeares wages , and soone got . Iust as Jarmans lippes . Oh fetch the aqua vitae bottle quickly . Oh lyer , lyer . Oh braue dissembler . Almost as bad as Iudas kisses . The Diuell take the Lyer . Thus is he board throgh the nose vvith a cush●…n . As kind as a S●…a-crab seazing on a dead ca●…on , Amen . reason .