The lady's new-years gift, or, Advice to a daughter Halifax, George Savile, Marquis of, 1633-1695. 1688 Approx. 116 KB of XML-encoded text transcribed from 86 1-bit group-IV TIFF page images. Text Creation Partnership, Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) : 2004-03 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1). A44704 Wing H305 ESTC R26777 09542628 ocm 09542628 43557 This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal . The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. Early English books online. (EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A44704) Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 43557) Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1641-1700 ; 1332:28) The lady's new-years gift, or, Advice to a daughter Halifax, George Savile, Marquis of, 1633-1695. The second edition corrected by the original. [1], 164 p. Printed for Matt. Gillyflower and James Partridge, London : 1688. "Under these following heads viz. religion, husband, house and familiy, servants, behaviour and conversation, friendships, censure, vanity and affectation, pride, diversions, dancing." Attributed to George Savile Halifax--Wing. Reproduction of original in the Huntington Library. Created by converting TCP files to TEI P5 using tcp2tei.xsl, TEI @ Oxford. Re-processed by University of Nebraska-Lincoln and Northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. Gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. 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Copies of the texts have been issued variously as SGML (TCP schema; ASCII text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable XML (TCP schema; characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless XML (TEI P5, characters represented either as UTF-8 Unicode or TEI g elements). Keying and markup guidelines are available at the Text Creation Partnership web site . eng Young women -- Conduct of life. 2003-10 TCP Assigned for keying and markup 2003-11 SPi Global Keyed and coded from ProQuest page images 2003-12 Rina Kor Sampled and proofread 2003-12 Rina Kor Text and markup reviewed and edited 2004-02 pfs Batch review (QC) and XML conversion THE Lady's New-years Gift : OR , ADVICE TO A DAUGHTER , Under these following Heads : Viz. Religion , Husband , House and Family . Servants , Behaviour and Conversation , Friendships , Censure , Vanity and Affectation , Pride . Diversions , Dancing . The Second Edition Corrected by the Original . London , Printed for Matt. Gillyflower in Westminster-Hall , and James Partridge at Charing-Cross , 1688 ADVERTISEMENT . THis Book being sent to a Scrivener to be Copied out , the Scrivener surreptitiously took another Copy of it for himself , and disposing it to a Person that knew not what to do with it , and ignorant of its worth , he sold it us : We getting a Licence for it , as a Book of an unknown Author , put it to the Press ; but finding such a multitude of Faults in it , as hath made us ashamed and troubled that so excellent a Piece ( according to the Universal Judgment ) should be so mangled and abused , we have made all the haste we could to get the Original Manuscript it self , which the said Person had , and Printed this new Edition . The Reader shall know this right Copy from the other by the Engraved Figure before the Title . Matthew Gillyflower . James Partridge . THE Lady's New-Years Gift : OR , ADVICE TO A DAUGHTER . INTRODUCTION . Dear Daughter , I Find , that even our most pleasing Thoughts will be unquiet ; they will be in motion ; and the Mind can have no rest whilst it is possess'd by a darling Passion . You are at present the chief Object of my Care , as well as of my Kindness , which sometimes throweth me into Visions of your being happy in the World , that are better suited to my partial Wishes , than to my reasonable Hopes for you . At other times , when my Fears prevail , I shrink as if I were struck at the prospect of Danger , to which a young Woman must be expos'd . By how much the more Lively , so much the more Liable you are to be hurt ; as the finest Plants are soonest nipped by the Frost . Whilst you are playing full of Innocence , the spiteful World will bite , except you are guarded by your Caution . Want of Care therefore , my dear Child , is never to be excus'd ; since , as to this World , it hath the same effect as want of Vertue . Such an early sprouting Wit requireth to be so much the more sheltred by some Rules , like something strew'd on tender Flowers to preserve them from being blasted . You must take it well to be prun'd by so kind a Hand as that of a Father . There may be some bitterness in meer Obedience : The natural Love of Liberty may help to make the Commands of a Parent harder to go down . Some inward resistance there will be , where Power and not Choice maketh us move ; but when a Father layeth aside his Authority , and persuadeth only by his Kindness , you will never answer it to Good Nature , if it hath not weight with you . A great part of what is said in the following Discourse may be above the present growth of your Understanding ; but that becoming every day taller , will in a little time reach up to it , so as to make it easie to you . I am willing to begin with you before your Mind is quite form'd , that being the time in which it is most capable of receiving a Colour that will last when it is mix'd with it . Few things are well learnt , but by early Precepts : Those well infus'd , make them Natural ; and we are never sure of retaining what is valuable , till by a continual Habit we have made it a Piece of us . Whether my Skill can draw the Picture of a fine Woman , may be a Question ; but it can be none , That I have drawn that of a kind Father : If you will take an exact Copy , I will so far presume upon my Workmanship , as to undertake you shall not make an ill Figure , Give me so much Credit as to try , ●nd I am sure that neither your Wishes nor mine shall be disappointed . RELIGION . THe first thing to be considered , is Religion : It must be the chief Object of your Thoughts , since it would be a vain thing to direct your Behaviour in the World , and forget that which you are to have towards him who made it . In a strict sense , it is the only thing necessary : you must take it into your Mind , and thence throw it into your Heart , where you are to embrace it so close , as never to lose the Possession of it . But then it is necessary to distinguish between the Reality and the Pretence . Religion doth not consist in believing the Legend of the Nursery , where Children with their Milk are fed with the Tales of Witches , Hobgoblins , Prophecies , and Miracles . We suck in so greedily these early Mistakes , that our riper Understanding hath much ado to cleanse our Minds from this kind of Trash : The Stories are so entertaining , that we do not only believe them , but relate them ; which makes the discovery of the Truth somewhat grievous , when it makes us lose such a Field of Impertinence , where we might have diverted our selves , besides the shame thrown upon us for having ever receiv'd them . This is making the World a Feast , and imputing to God Almighty , That the Province he assigneth to the Devil , is to play at Blind-mans-buff , and shew Tricks with Mankind ; and is so far from being Religion , that it is not Sense , and hath right only to be call'd that kind of Devotion , of which , Ignorance is the undoubted Mother , without competition or dispute . These Mistakes are therefore to be left off with your Hanging-sleeves ; and you ought to be as much out of countenance to be found with them about you , as to be seen playing with Babies , at an Age when other things are expected from you . The next thing to be observ'd to you , is , That Religion doth as little consist in loud Answers and devout Convulsions at Church , or Praying in an extraordinary manner . Some Ladies are so extreme stirring at Church , one would swear the Worm in their Conscience made them so unquiet . Others will have such a Divided Face between a Devout Goggle and an Inviting Glance , that the unnatural Mixture maketh even their best Looks to be at that time ridiculous . These affected Appearances are ever suspected , like very strong Perfumes , which are generally thought no very good Symptoms in those that make use of them . Let your earnestness therefore be reserv'd for your Closet , where you may have God Almighty to your self : In Publick be still and calm , neither indecently Careless , or Affected in the other Extream . It is not true Devotion , to put on an angry Zeal against those who may be of a differing Persuasion . Partiality to our selves makes us often mistake it for a Duty , to fall hard upon others in that case ; and being push'd on with Self-conceit , we strike without mercy , believing that the Wounds we give are Meritorious , and that we are fighting God Almighty's Quarrel ; when the truth is , we are only setting out our selves . Our Devotion too often breaketh out into that Shape which most agreeth with our particular Temper . The Cholerick grow into a hardned Severity against all who dissent from them , snatch at all the Texts of Scripture that suit with their Complexion ; and because God's Wrath was some time kindled , they conclude , That Anger is a Divine Vertue ; and are so far from imagining that their ill-natur'd Zeal requireth an Apology , that they value themselves upon it , & triumph in it . Others , whose Nature is more Credulousthan ordinary , admit no Bounds or Measures to it ; they grow as proud of extending their Faith , as Princes are of enlarging their Dominions ; not considering , that our Faith , like our Stomach , is capable of being over-charg-d ; and that as the Last is destroy'd by taking in more than it can digest , so our Reason may be extinguish'd by oppressing it with the weight of too many strange things ; especially if we are forbidden to chew what we are commanded to swallow . The Melancholy and the Sullen are apt to place a great part of their Religion in Dejected and Ill-humour'd Looks , putting on an unsociable Face , and declaiming against the Innocent Entertainments of Life , with as much sharpness as they could bestow upon the greatest Crimes . This generally is only a Vizard , there is seldom any thing real in it . No other thing is the better for being Sowre ; and it would be hard that Religion should be so , which is the best of things . In the mean time it may be said with truth , That this surly kind of Devotion hath perhaps done little less hurt in the World , by frighting , than the most scandalous Examples have done by infecting it . Having told you , in these few Instances , to which many more might have been added , what is not true Religion ; it is time to describe to you ; what is so . The ordinary Definitions are no more like it , than the common Sign-posts are like the Princes they would represent ; the unskilful Dawbers in all Ages have generally laid on such ill Colours , and drawn such harsh Lines , that the Beauty of it is not easily to be discover'd : They have put in all the forbidding Features that can be thought of ; and in the first place , have made it an irreconcileable Enemy to Nature ; when , in reality , they are not only Friends , but Twins , born together at the same time ; and it is doing violence to them both , to go about to have them separated . Nothing is so kind and so inviting as true and Unsophisticated Religion : In stead of imposing unnecessary Burdens upon our Nature , it easeth us of the greater weight of our Passions and Mistakes : In stead of subduing us with Rigour , it redeemeth us from the Slavery we are in too our selves , who are the most severe Masters , whilst we are under the Usurpation of our Appetites let loose and unrestrain'd . Religion is a chearful thing , so far from being always at Cuffs with Good Humour , that it is inseparably united to it . Nothing unpleasant belongs to it , though the Spiritual Cooks have done their unskilful part to give an ill Relish to it . A wise Epicure would be Religious for the sake of Pleasure : Good Sense is the Foundation of both ; and he is a Bungler who aimeth at true Luxury , but where they are joyn'd . Religion is exalted Reason , refin'd and sifted from the grosser parts of it : It dwelleth in the upper Region of the Mind , where there are no Clouds or Mists to darken or offend it : It is both the Foundation and the Crown of all Vertues : it is Morality improv'd and rais'd to its height , by being carried nearer Heaven , the only place where Perfection resideth . It cleanseth the Understanding , and brusheth off the Earth that hangeth about our Souls . It doth not want the Hopes and the Terrors which are made use of to support it : neither ought it to descend to the borrowing any Argument out of it self , since there we may find every thing that should invite us . If we were to be hired to Religion , it is able to out-bid the corrupted World , with all it can offer to us , being so much the Richer of the too in every thing where Reason is admitted to be Judge of the Value . Since this is so , it is worth your pains to make Religion your choice , and not make use of it only as a Refuge . There are Ladies , who finding by the too visible decay of their good Looks , that they can shine no more by that Light , put on the Varnish of an affected Devotion , to keep up some kind of Figure in the World ; they take Sanctuary in the Church , where they are pursued by growing Contempt , which will not be stopt ; but followeth them to the Altar : such late penitence is only a disguise for the tormenting grief of being no more handsom . That is the killing thought which draweth the sighs and tears , that appear outwardly to be applied to a better end . There are many who have and Aguish Devotion , Hot and Cold Fits , long Intermissions , and violent Raptures ; this unevenness is by all means to be avoided : let your method be a steady course of good Life , that may run like a smooth Stream , and be a perpetual Spring to furnish to the continued Exercise of Vertue . Your Devotion may be earnest , but it must be unconstrained ; and like other Duties , you must make it your Pleasure too , or else it will have but very little efficacy . By this Rule you may best judge of your own Heart . Whilst these Duties are Joys , it is an Evidence of their being sincere ; but when they are a Penance , it is a sign that your Nature maketh some resistance ; and whilst that lasteth , you can never be entirely secure of your self . If you are often unquiet , and too nearly touch'd by the cross Accidents of Life , your Devotion is not of the right Standard , there is too much Allay in it . That which is right and unmixt , taketh away the Sting of every thing that would trouble you : It is like a healing Balm , that extinguisheth the sharpness of the Blood ; so this softneth and dissolveth the Anguish of the Mind . A devout Mind hath this Privilege , of being free from Passion , as some Climates are from all manner of venomous kind of Creatures ; it will raise you above the little Vexations to which others for want of it , will be expos'd , and will bring you to a Temper , not of stupid Indifference , but of such a wife Resignation , that you may live in the World , so as it may hang about you like a loose Garment , and not tied too close to you . Take heed of running into that common Error , of applying God's Judgments upon particular Occasions . Our Weights and Measures are not competent to make the Distribution either of his Mercy or his Justice : He hath thrown a Veil over these things , which makes it not only an Impertinence , but a kind of Sacrilege , for us to give Sentence in them without his Commission . As to your particular Faith , keep to the Religion that is grown up with you , both as it is the best in it self , and that the reason of staying in it upon that Ground is somewhat stronger for your Sex , than it will perhaps be allow'd to be for ours ; in respect that the Voluminous Enquiries into the Truth , by Reading , are less expected from you . The Best of Books will be direction enough to you not to change ; and whilst you are fix'd and sufficiently confirm'd in your own Mind , you 'l do best to keep vain Doubts and Scruples at such a distance , that they may give you no disquiet . Let me recommend to you a Method of being rightly inform'd , which can never fail : it is in short this : Get Understanding , and practice Vertue ; and if you are so Blessed as to have these for your Share , it is not surer that there is a God , than it is , that by him all Necessary Truths will be revealed to you . HUSBAND . THAT which challengeth the next place in your Thoughts , is , How to live with a Husband : And though that is so large a Word , that few Rules can be fix'd to it which are unchangeable , the Methods being as various as the several Tempers of Men to which they must be suited ; yet I cannot omit some General Observations , which , with the help of your own , may the better direct you in the part of your Life upon which your Happiness most dependeth . It is one of the Disadvantages belonging to your Sex , that young Women are seldom permitted to make their own Choice ; their Friends Care and Experience are thought safer Guides to them , than their own Fancies ; and their Modesty often forbiddeth them to refuse when their Parents recommend , though their inward Consent may not entirely go along with it : In this case there remaineth nothing for them to do , but to endeavour to make that easie which falleth to their Lot , and by a wife use of every thing they may dislike in a Husband , turn that by degrees to be very supportable , which , if neglected , might in time beget an Aversion . You must first lay it down for a Foundation in general , That there is Inequality in the Sexes , and that for the better Oeconomy of the World , the Men , who were to be the Law-givers , had the larger share of Reason bestow'd upon them ; by which means your Sex is the better prepar'd for the Compliance that is necessary for the better performance of those Duties which seem'd to be most properly assign'd to it . This looks a little uncourtly at the first appearance ; but upon examination it will be found , that Nature is so far from being unjust to you , that she is partial on your side : She hath made you such large Amends by other Advantages , for the seeming Injustice of the first Distribution , that the Right of Complaining is come over to our Sex ; you have it in your power not only to free your selves , but to subdue your Masters , and without violence throw both their Natural and Legal Authority at your Feet . We are made of differing Tempers , that our Defects might be mutually supplied : Your Sex wanteth our Reason for your Conduct , and our Strength for your Protection : Ours wanteth your Gentleness to soften , and to entertain us . The first part of our Life is a good deal of it subjected to you in the Nursery , where you Reign without Competition , and by that means have the advantage of giving the first Impressions ; afterwards you have stronger Influences , which , well manag'd , have more force in your behalf , than all our Priviledges and Jurisdictions can pretend to have against you . You have more strength in your Looks , than we have in our Laws ; and more power by your Tears , than we have by our Arguments . It is true , that the Laws of Marriage , run in a harsher stile towards your Sex. Obey is an ungentle word , and less easie to be digested , by making such an unkind distinction in the Words of Contract , and so very unsuitable to the excess of Good Manners , that generally goes before it ; besides , the universality of the Rule seemeth to be a Grievance , and it appeareth reasonable , that there might be an Exemption for extraordinary Women , from ordinary Rules , to take away the just Exception that lieth against the false measure of general Equality : it may be alledged by the Council retained by your Sex , as there is in all other Laws , an Appeal from the Letter to Equity in Cases that require it , It is as reasonable , that some Court of a larger Jurisdiction might be erected , where some Wives might resort and plead , especially , and in such Instances , where Nature is so kind , as to raise them above the level of their own Sex , that they might have Relief , and obtain a Mitigation in their own particular , of a Sentence which was given generally against Woman-kind . The causes of Separation are now so very course , that few are confident enough to buy their Liberty at the price of having their Modesty so exposed , and for disparity of Minds , which above all other things requireth a Remedy , the Laws have made no provision ; so little refin'd are numbers of Men , by whom they are compil'd . This , and a great deal more might be said to give a colour to this Complaint ; but the Answer is , in short , That the Institution of Marriage is too sacred to admit of a Liberty of Objection to it ; that the Supposition of your being the weaker Sex , having without all doubt a good Foundation , maketh it reasonable to subject it to the Masculine Dominion ; that no Rule can be so perfect , as not to admit some Exceptions ; but the Law presumeth there would be so few found in this Case , who would have a sufficient Right to such a Privilege , that it is safer some Injustice should be conniv'd at in a very few Instances , than to break into an Establishment , upon which the Order of Humane Society doth so much depend . You are therefore to make the best of what is setled by Law and Custom , and not vainly imagine , that it will be changed for your sake . But that you may not be discouraged , as if you lay under the weight of an incurable Grievance , you are to know , that by a wife and dexterous Conduct , it will be in your power to relieve your self from any thing that looketh like a disadvantage in it . For your better direction , I will give a hint of the most ordinary Causes of Dissatisfaction between Man and Wife , that you may be able by such a Warning to live so upon your Guard , that when you shall be married , you may know how to cure your Husband 's Mistakes , and to prevent your own . First then , you are to consider , you live in a time which hath rendred some kind of Frailties so habitual , that they lay claim to large Grains of Allowance . The World in this is somewhat unequal , and our Sex seemeth to play the Tyrant , in distinguishing partiality for our selves , by making that in the utmost degree Criminal in the Woman , which in a Man passeth under a much gentler Censure . The Root and Excuse of this Injustice is the Preservation of Families from any Mixture that may bring a Blemish to them : And whilst the Point of Honour continues to be so plac'd , it seems unavoidable to give your Sex the greater shane of the Penalty . But if in this it lieth under any Disadvantage , you are more than recompens'd , by having the Honour of Families in your keeping . The Consideration so great a Trust must give you , maketh full amends ; and this Power the World hath lodg'd in you , can hardly fail to restrain the Severity of an ill Husband , and to improve the Kindness and Esteem of a good one . This being so , remember , That next to the danger of committing the Fault your self , the greatest is that of seeing it in your Husband . Do not seem to look or hear that way : If he is a Man of Sense , he will reclaim himself ; the Folly of it , is of it self sufficient to cure him : If he is not so , he will be provok'd , but not reform'd . To expostulate in these Cases , looketh like declaring War , and preparing for Reprisals ; which to a thinking Husband would be a dangerous Reflexion . Besides , it is so course a Reason which will be assign'd for a Lady 's too great Warmth upon such an occasion , that Modesty no less than Prudence ought to restrain her ; since such an undecent Complaint makes a Wife much more ridiculous , than the Injury that provoketh her to it . But it is yet worse , and more unskilful , to blaze it in the World , expecting it should rise up in Arms to take her part : Whereas she will find , it can have no other Effect , than that she will be served up in all Companies , as the reigning Feast at that time ; and will continue to be the common Entertainment , till she is rescu'd by some newer Folly that cometh upon the Stage , and driveth her away from it . The Impertinence of such Methods is so plain , that it doth not deserve the Pains of being laid open . Be assur'd , that in these Cases your Discretion and Silence will be the most prevailing Reproof ; and an affected Ignorance , which is seldom a Vertue , is a great one here : And when your Husband seeth how unwilling you are to be uneasie , there is no stronger Argument to perswade him not to be unjust to you . Besides , it will naturally make him more yielding in other things : And whether it be to cover or redeem his Offence , you may have the good Effect of it whilst it lasteth , and all that while have the most reasonable Ground that can be , of presuming , such a Behaviour at last will intirely convert him . There is nothing so glorious to a Wife , as a Victory so gain'd : ● Man so reclaim'd , is for ever after subjected to her Vertue ; and her bearing for a time , is more than rewarded by a Triumph that will continue as long as her Life . The next thing I will suppose , is , That your Husband may love Wine more than is convenient . It will be granted , That though there are Vices of a deeper dye , there are none that have greater Deformity than this , when it is not restrain'd : But with all this , the same Custom which is the more to be lamented for its being so general , should make it less uneasie to every one in particular who is to suffer by the Effects of it : So that in the first place , it will be no new thing if you should have a Drunkard for your Husband ; and there is by too frequent Examples evidence enough , that such a thing may happen , and yet a Wife may live too without being miserable . Self-love dictateth aggravating words to every thing we feel ; Ruine and Misery are the Terms we apply to whatever we do not like , forgetting the Mixture allotted to us by the Condition of Humane Life , by which it is not intended we should be quite exempt from trouble . It is fair , if we can escape such a Degree of it as would oppress us , and enjoy so much of the pleasant part as may lessen the ill taste of such things as are unwelcome to us . Every thing hath two Sides , and for our own ease we ought to direct our Thoughts to that which must be least liable to exception . To fall upon the worst side of a Drunkard , giveth so unpleasant a Prospect , that it is not possible to dwell upon it . Let us pass then to the more favourable part , as far as a Wife is concern'd in it . I am tempted to say ( if the Irregularity of the Expression could in strictness be justified ) That a Wife is to thank God her Husband hath Faults . Mark the seeming Paradox , my Dear , for your own Instruction , it being intended no further . A Husband without Faults is a dangerous Observer ; he hath an Eye so piercing , and seeth every thing so plain , that it is expos'd to his full Censure ; and though I will not doubt but that your Vertue will disappoint the sharpest Enquiries ; yet few Women can bear the having all they say or do represented in the clear Glass of an Understanding without Faults . Nothing softneth the Arrogance of our Nature , like a Mixture of some Frailties ; it is by them we are best told , that we must not strike too hard upon others , because we our selves do so often deserve Blows : They pull our Rage by the Sleeve , and whisper Gentleness to us in our Censures , even when they are rightly applied . The Faults and Passions of Husbands bring them down to you , and make them content to live upon less unequal Terms , than Faultless Men would be willing to stoop to ; so haughty is Mankind till humbled by common Weaknesses and Defects , which in our corrupted State contribute more towards the reconciling us to one another , than all the Precepts of the Philosophers and Divines ; so that where the Errors of our Nature make amends for the Disadvantages of yours , it is more your part to make use of the Benefits , than to quarrel at the Fault . Thus in case a drunken Husband should fall to your share , if you will be wise and patient , his Wine shall be of your side ; it will throw a Veil over your Mistakes , it will set out and improve every thing you do , that he is pleased with . Others will like him less , and by that means he may perhaps like you the more , when after having dined too well , he is received at home without a Storm , or so much as a reproachful Look , the Wine will naturally work out all in Kindness , which a Wife must encourage , let it be wrapped up in never so much Impertinence : On the other side , it would boil up into Rage , if the mistaken Wife should treat him roughly , like a certain thing called a kind Shrew , than which the World , with all its Plenty , cannot shew a more Senceless , Hl-bred , forbidding Creature . Consider , that where the Man will give such frequent Intermissions of the use of his Reason , the Wife insensibly getteth a Right of Governing in the Vacancy , and that raiseth her Character and Credit in the Family , to a higher pitch than perhaps could be done under a sober Husband , who never putteth himself into an Incapacity of holding the Reins . If these are not Intire Consolations , at least they are Remedies to some Degree : They cannot make Drunkenness a Vertue , nor a Husband given to it a Felicity ; but you will do your self no ill office in the endeavouring , by these means , to make the best of such a Lot , in case it should happen to be yours , and by the help of a wife Observation , to make that very supportable , which would otherwise be a Load that would oppress you . The next Case I will put is , That your Husband may be Cholerick or Ill-humour'd . To this it may be said , That passionate Men generally make amends at the Foot of the Account : such a Man , if he is angry one day without any Sense , will the next day be as kind without any Reason ; so that by marking how the Wheels of such a Mans Head use to move , you may easily bring over all his Passions to your Party ; in stead of being struck down by his Thunder , you shall direct it where and upon whom you shall think it best applied . Thus are the strongest Poisons turn'd to the best Remedies ; but then there must be Art in it , and a skilful Hand , else the least bungling maketh it mortal . There is a great deal of nice Care required to deal with a Man of this Complexion ; Choler proceedeth from Pride , and maketh a Man so partial to himself , that he swelleth against Contradiction , and thinketh he is lessened if he is opposed ; you must in this Case take heed of increasing the Storm by an unwary Word , or kindling the Fire whilst the Wind is in a Corner which may blow it in your Face : You are dextrously to yield every thing till he beginneth to cool , and then by slow degrees you may rise and gain upon him : Your Gentleness well timed , will , like a Charm , dispel his Anger ill placed ; a kind Smile will reclaim , when a shrill pettish Answer would provoke him ; rather than fail upon such occasions , when other Remedies are too weak , a little Flattery may be admitted , which by being necessary , will cease to be Criminal : If Ill-Humour and Sullenness , and not open and sudden Heat is his Disease , there is a way of treating that too , so as to make it a Grievance to be endured : In order to it , you are first to know , that naturally good Sence hath a mixture of surly in 't ; and there being so much folly in the World , and for the most part so triumphant , it giveth frequent Temptations to raise the Spleen of Men who think right ; therefore that which may generally be call'd Ill Humour , is not always a Fault ; it becometh one , when either it is wrong applyed , or that it is continued too long , when it is not so : For this Reason , you must not too hastily fix an ill name upon that which may perhaps not deserve it ; and though the Case should be , that your Husband might too sowrly resent any thing he disliketh , it may so happen , that more Blame may belong to your Mistake , than to his ill Humour . If a Husband behaveth himself sometimes with an Indifference that a Wife may think offensive , she is in the wrong to put the worst sense upon it , if by any means it will admit a better . Some Wives will call it his Humour , if their Husbands change their Style from that which they used whilst they made their first Addresses to them : Others will allow no intermission or abatement in the Expressions of Kindness to them , not enough distinguishing Times , and forgetting that it is impossible for Men to keep themselves up all their Lives to the height of some extravagant Moments . A Man may at some times be less careful in little things , without any cold or disobliging Reasons for it ; as a Wife may be too expecting in smaller matters , without drawing upon herself the Inference of being unkind : And if your Husband should be really sullen , and have such frequent Fits , as might take away the Excuse of it , it concerneth you to have an Eye prepared to discern the first Appearances of Cloudy Weather , and to watch when the Fit goeth off , which seldom lasteth long if it is let alone ; but whilst the Mind is sore , every thing galleth it , and that maketh it necessary to let the Black Humour begin to spend it self , before you begin to come in and venture to undertake it . If in the Lottery of the World you should draw a Covetous Husband , I confess it will not make you proud of your good Luck ; yet even such a one may be endured too , though there are few Passions more untractable than that of Avarice . You must first take care that your Definition of Avarice may not be a Mistake ; you are to examine every Circumstance of your Husband's Fortune , and weigh the Reason of every thing you expect from him before you have right to pronounce that Sentence : The Complaint is now so generally against all Husbands , that it giveth great suspicion of its being often ill-grounded ; it is impossible they should all deserve that Censure , and therefore it is certain , that it is many times misapplyed : he that spareth in every thing is an inexcusable Niggard , he that spareth in nothing is as inexcusable a Mad-man ; the mean is , to spare in what is least necessary , to lay out more liberally in what is most required in our several citcumstances ; yet this will not always satisfie ; there are Wives who are impatient of the Rules of Oeconomy , and are apt to call their Husbands Kindness in question , if any other measure is put to their expence than that of their own Fancy ; be sure to avoid this dangerous Errour , such a partiality to your Self , which is so offensive to an understanding Man , that he will very ill bear a Wife's giving her self such an injurious preference to all the Family , and whatever belongeth to it : But to admit the worst , and that your Husband is really a Close-handed Wretch , you must in this , as in other Cases , endeavour to make it less afflicting to you ; and first you must observe seasonable hours of speaking . When you offer any thing in opposition to this reigning Humour , a third hand and a wise Friend , may often prevail more than you will be allowed to do in your own Cause : Sometimes you are dextrously to go along with him in things , where you see that the niggardly part of his Mind is most predominant , by which you will have the better opportunity of perswading him in things where he may be more indifferent : Our Passions are very unequal , and are apt to be raised or lessened , according as they work upon different Objects ; they are not to be stopped or restrained in those things where our Mind is more particularly engaged : In other matters they are more tractable , and will sometimes give Reason a hearing , and admit a fair Dispute . More than that , there are few Men , even in this instance of Avarice , so intirely abandoned to it , that at some hours , and upon some occasions , will not forget their natures , and for that time turn Prodigal ; the same Man who will grudge himself what is necessary , let his Pride be raised and he shall be profuse ; at another time his Anger shall have the same effect ; a fit of Vanity , Ambition , and sometimes of Kindness , shall open and inlarge his narrow Mind ; a Dose of Wine will work upon this tough humour , and for the time dissolve it : Your business must be , if this Case happeneth , to watch these critical moments , and not let one of them slip without making your advantage of it ; and a Wife may be said to want skill , if by these means she is not able to secure her self in a good measure against the Inconveniencies this scurvy quality in a Husband might bring upon her , except he should be such an incurable Monster , as I hope will never fall to your share . The last supposition I will make , is , That your Husband should be weak and incompetent to make use of the Privileges that belong to him ; it will be yielded , that such a one leaveth room for a great many Objections ; but God Almighty seldom sendeth a Grievance without a Remedy , or at least such a Mitigation as taketh away a great part of the sting , and smart of it . To make such a Misfortune less heavy , you are first to bring to your Observation , That a Wife very often maketh the better Figure , for her Husbands making no great one , and there seemeth to be little reason , why the same Lady that chuseth a Waiting-Woman with worse Looks , many not be content with a Husband with less Wit ; the Argument being equal from the advantage of the Comparison : If you will be more ashamed in some Cases , of such a Husband , you will be less afraid than you would perhaps be of a wise one ; his Unseasonable Weakness may no doubt sometimes grieve you , but then set against this , that it giveth you the Dominion , if you will make the right use of it ; it is next to his being dead , in which Case the Wife hath right to Administer ; therefore be sure , if you have such an Ideot , that none , except your self , may have the benefit of the forfeiture : Such a Fool is a dangerous Beast , if others have the keeping of him ; and you must be very undextrous if when your Husband shall resolve to be an Ass , you do not take care he may be your Ass ; but you must go skillfully about it , and above all things , take heed of distinguishing in publick what kind of Husband he is ; your inward thoughts must not hinder the outward payment of the consideration that is due to him ; your stighting him in Company , besides that , it would , to a discerning By-stander , give too great encouragement for the making nearer application to you , is in it self such an undecent way of assuming , that it may provoke the tame Creature to break loose , and to shew his Dominion for his Credit , which he was content to forget for his Ease : In short , the furest and the most approved method will be to do like a wife Minister to an easie Prince ; first give him the Orders you afterwards receive from him ; with all this , that which you are to pray for , is a Wife Husband , one that by knowing how to be a Master , for that very reason will not let you feel the weight of it ; one whose Authority is so soften'd by his Kindness , that it giveth you ease without abridging your Liberty ; one that will return so much tenderness for Iust Esteem of him , that you will never want power , though you will seldom care to use it ; such a Husband is as much above all the other Kinds of them , as a rational subjection to a Prince , great in himself , is to be preferr'd before the disquiet and uneasiness of Unlimited Liberty . Before I leave this Head , I must add a little concerning your Behaviour to your Husbands Friends , which requireth the most refined part of your Understanding to acquit your self well of it ; you are to study how to live with them with more care than you are to apply to any other part of your Life ; especially at first , that you may not stumble at the first setting out ; the Family into which you are grafted will generally be apt to expect , that like a Stranger in a Foreign Country , you should conform to their Methods , and not bring in a new Model by your own Authority ; the Friends in such a Case are tempted to rise up in Arms as against an unlawful Invasion , so that you are with the utmost Caution to avoid the least Appearances of any thing of this kind ; and that you may with less difficulty afterwards give your Directions , be sure at first to receive them from your Husbands Friends , gain them to you by early applying to them , and they will be so satisfied , that as nothing is more thankful than Pride , when it is complyed with , they will strive which of them shall most recommend you ; and when they have helped you to take Root in your Husband 's good Opinion , you will have less dependance upon theirs , though you must not neglect any reasonable means of preserving it . You are to consider , that a Man govern'd by his Friends , is very easily inflamed by them ; and that one who is not so , will yet for his own sake expect to have them consider'd . It is easily improved to a point of honour in a Husband , not to have his Relations neglected ; and nothing is more dangerous , than to raise an Objection , which is grounded upon Pride ; it is the most stubborn and lasting Passion we are subject to , and when it is the first cause of the War , it is very hard to make a secure Peace : your Caution in this is of the last importance to you ; and that you may the better succeed in it , carry a strict Eye upon the Impertinencies of your Servants ; take heed that their ill humour may not engage you to take Exceptions , or their too much assuming in small matters , raise Consequences which may bring you under great disadvantage . Remember that in the case of a Royal Bride , those about her are generally so far suspected to bring in a Foreign Interest , that in most Countries , they are insensibly reduced to a very small number , and those of so low a Figure , that it doth not admit the being Jealous of them . In little , and in the Proportion , this may be the Case of every New-Married-Woman , and therefore it may be more adviseable for you , to gain the Servants you find in a Family , than to tye your self too fast to those you carry into it ; you are not to overlook those small Reflections , because they may appear low and inconsiderable ; for it may be said , that as the greatest streams are made up of the small drops at the head of the Springs from whence they are derived , so the greatest circumstances of your Life , will be in some degree directed by these seeming trifles , which having the advantage of being the first acts of it , have a greater effect than singly in their own nature they could pretend to . I will conclude this Article with my Advice , that you would , as much as Nature will give you leave , endeavour to forget the great Indulgence you have found at home , after such a gentle Discipline as you have been under ; every thing you dislike will seem the harsher to you , the tenderness we had for you , My Dear , is of another nature , peculiar to kind Parents , and differing from that you will meet with at first in any Family into which you shall be transplanted ; and yet they may be very kind too , and afford no justifiable reason to you to complain . You must not be frighted with the first Appearances of a differing Scene ; for when you are used to it , you may like the House you go to , better than that you left ; and your Husband's Kindness will have so much advantage of ours , that we shall yield up all Competition , and as well as we love you , be very well contented to Surrender to such a Rival . HOUSE , FAMILY , and CHILDREN . YOU must lay before you , My Dear , there are degrees of Care to recommend your self to the World in the several parts of your Life , in many things , though the doing of them well , may raise your Credit and Esteem , yet the omission of them would draw no immediate reproach upon you ; in others , where your duty is more particularly applyed , the neglect of them is amongst those Faults which are not forgiven , and will bring you under a Censure , which will be much a heavier thing than the trouble you would avoid ; of this kind is the Government of your House , Family and Children , which since it is the Province allotted to your Sex , and that the discharging it well , will for that reason be expected from you , if you either desert it out of Laziness , or manage it with want of skill , instead of a help you will be an Incumbrance to the Family where you are placed . I must tell you , that no respect is lasting , but that which is produced by our being in some degree useful to those that pay it : where that faileth , the Homage and the Reverence go along with it , and fly to others where something may be expected in exchange for them ; and upon this principle the respects even of the Children and the Servants will not stay with one that doth not think them worth their Care , and the old House-keeper shall make a better Figure in the Family , than the Lady with all her fine Cloths , if she wilfully relinquish her Title to the Government ; therefore take heed of carrying your good Breeding to such a height , as to be good for nothing , and to be proud of it : some think it hath a great Air to be above troubling their thoughts with such ordinary things as their House and Family ; others dare not admit Cares for fear they should hasten Wrinkles ; mistaken Pride maketh some think they must keep themselves up , and not descend to those Duties , which do not seem enough refined for great Ladies to be imploy'd in ; forgetting all this while , that it is more than the greatest Princes can do , at once to preserve respect , and to neglect their business ; no Age ever erected Altars to insignificant Gods ; they had all some quality applyed to them to draw worship from Mankind ; this maketh it the more unresonable for a Lady to expect to be consider'd , and at the same time resolve not to deserve it ; good looks alone will not do , they are not such a lasting Tenure , as to be relyed upon ; and if they should stay longer than they usually do , it will by no means be safe to depend upon them ; for when time hath abated the violence of the first liking , and that the Napp is a little worn off , though still a good degree of kindness may remain , Men recover their sight which before might be dazell'd , and allow themselves to object as well as admire ; in such a Case , when a Husband seeth an empty airy thing that sails up and down the House to no purpose , and looks as if she came thither only to make a Visit , when he findeth , that after her Emptiness hath been extream busy about some very senseless thing , that she eats her Breakfast half an hour before Dinner , to be at greater liberty to afflict the Company with her Discourse ; then calleth for her Coach , that she may trouble her Acquaintance , who are already cloy'd with her : And having some proper Dialogues ready to display her Foolish Eloquence at the top of the Stairs , she setteth out like a Ship out of Harbour , laden with trifles , and cometh back with them ; at her return she repeateth to her faithful Waiting-Woman , the Triumphs of that day's Impertinence , then wrap'd up in Flattery and clean Linen , goeth to Bed so satisfied , that it throweth her into pleasant Dreams of her own Felicity ; such a one is seldom serious but with her Taylor ; her Children and Family may now and then have a random thought , but she never taketh aim but at something very Impertinent . I say when a Husband , whose Province is without Doors , and to whom the Oeconomy of the House would be in some degree Indecent , findeth no Order nor Quiet in his Family , meeteth with Complaints of all kinds springing from this Root , the Mistaken Lady , who thinketh to make amends for all this , by having a well-chosen Petty-Coat , will at last be convinced of her Error , and with grief be forced to undergo the Penalties that belong to those who are wilfully Insignificant ; when this scurvy hour cometh upon her , she first groweth Angry ; then when the time of it is past , would perhaps grow wiser , not remembring that we can no more have Wisdom than Grace , when ever we think fit to call for it ; there are Times and Periods fix'd for both ; and when they are too long neglected , the Punishment is , that they are Irrecoverable , and nothing remaineth but an useless Grief for the Folly of having thrown them out of our Power ; you are to think what a mean Figure a Woman maketh , when she is so degraded by her own Fault ; whereas there is nothing in those Duties which are expected from you , that can be a lessening to you , except your want of Conduct make it so : You may love your Children without living in the Nursery , and you may have a competent and discreet care of them , without letting it break out upon the Company , or exposing your self by turning your Discourse that way , which is a kind of Laying Children to the Parish , and it can hardly be done any where , that those who hear it will be so forgiving , as not to think they are overcharged with them . A Womans tenderness of her Children is one of the least deceitful Evidences of her Vertue ; but yet the way of expressing it , must be subject to the Rules of good Breeding : And though a Woman of Quality ought not be less kind to them , than Mothers of the meanest Rank are to theirs , yet she may distinguish her self in the manner , and avoid the course Methods , which in Women of a lower size might be more excusable . You must begin early to make them Love you , that they may Obey you : This Mixture is no where more necessary than in Children ; and I must tell you , that you are not to expect Returns of Kindness from yours , if ever you have any , without Grains of Allowance ; and yet it is not so much a defect in their good Nature , as a shortness of Thought in them ; Their first Insufficiency maketh them lean so entirely upon their Parents for what is necessary , that the habit of it maketh them continue the same Expectations for what is unreasonable ; and as oft as they are denied , so often they think they are injured ; and whilst their Desires are strong , and their Reasons yet in the Cradle , their Anger looketh no farther than the thing they long for and cannot have ; and to be displeased for their own good , is a Maxim they are very slow to understand ; so that you may conclude , the first Thoughts of your Children will have no small Mixture of Mutiny ; which being so natural , you must not be angry , except you would increase it ; you must deny them as seldom as you can , and when there is no avoiding it you must do it gently , you must flatter away their ill Humours , and take the next Opportunity of pleasing them in some other things , before they either ask or look for it : This will strengthen your Authority , by making it soft to them ; and confirm their Obedience , by making it their Interest . You are to have as strict a Guard upon your self amongst your Children , as if you were amongst your Enemies ; they are apt to make wrong Inferences , to take Encouragement from half Words , and misapplying what you may say or do , so as either to lessen their Duty , or to extend their Liberty farther than is convenient : Let them be more in awe of your Kindness than of your Power , and above all , take heed of supporting a Favourite Child in its Impertinence , which will give Right to the rest of claiming the same Privilege . If you have a divided Number , leave the Boys to the Fathers more peculiar Care , that you may with the greater Justice pretend to a more immediate Jurisdiction over those of your own Sex : You are to live so with them , that they may never chuse to avoid you , except when they have offended ; and then let them tremble , that they may distinguish ; But their Penance must not continue so long as to grow sowre upon their Stomachs , that it may not Harden in stead of correcting them : The kind and severe Parts must have their several turns seasonably applied ; but your Indulgence must have the broader mixture , that Love , rather than Fear , may be the Root of their Obedience . Your Servants are in the next place to be considered ; and you must remember not to fall into the mistake of thinking , That because they receive Wages , and are so much Inferiour to you , therefore they are below your Care to know how to mannage them . It would be as good Reason for a Master Workman to despise the Wheels of his Engine because they are made of Wood. These are the Wheels of your Family ; and let your Directions be never so faultless , yet if these Engines stop or move wrong , the whole Order of your House is either at a stand , or discomposed : Besides , the Inequality which is between you , must not cause you to forget , that Nature maketh no such distinction , but that Servants may be looked upon as humble Friends , and that Returns of Kindness and good Vsage are as much due to such of them as deserve it , as their Service is due to us when we require it . A foolish haughtiness in the Style of speaking , or in the manner of commanding them , is in it self very undecent , besides , that it begetteth an Aversion in them , of which the least ill Effect to be expected , is , that they will be flow and careless in all that is injoyned them , and you will find it true by your Experience , that you will be so much the more obeyed as you are less Imperious . Be not too hasty in giving your Orders , nor too angry when they are not altogether observed ; much less are you to be loud , or too much disturbed ; an evenness in distinguishing when they do well or ill , is that which will make your Family move by a Rule , and without Noise , and will the better set out your Skill in conducting it with Ease and Silence , that it may be like a well-disciplin'd Army , which knoweth how to anticipate the Orders that are fit to be given them . You are never to neglect the Duty of the present Hour , to do another thing , which though it may be better in it self , is not to be unseasonably preferred . Allot well chosen Hours for the Inspection of your Family , which may be so distinguished from the rest of your Time , that the necessary Cares may come in their proper Places , without any Influence upon your good Humour , or Interruption to other things . By these Methods you will put your self in possesson of being valued by your Servants , and then their Obedience will naturally follow . I must not forget one of the greatest Articles belonging to a Family , which is the Expences : It must not be such , as by failing either in the Time or measure of it , may rather draw Censure than gain Applause . If it was well Examined , there is more Money given to be laughed at , than for any other thing in the World , though the Purchasers do not think so . A well-stated Rule is like the Line , when that is once pass'd we are under another Pole ; so the first straying from Rule , is a step towards making that which was before a Vertue , to change its Nature , and to grow either into a Vice , or at least an Impertinence : The Art of laying out Money wisely , is not attained to without a great deal of thought ; and it is yet more difficult in the Cafe of a Wife , who is accountable to her Husband for her mistakes in it : It is not only his Money , his Credit too is at Stake , if what lyeth under the Wife's Care is managed , either with undecent Thrift , or too loose Profusion ; you are therefore to keep the Mean between these two Extreams , and it being hardly possible to hold the Balance exactly even , let it rather incline towards the Liberal side , as more suitable to your Quality , and less subject Reproach ; of the two , a little Money mispent is sooner recovered , than the Credit which is lost by having it unhandsomely saved ; and a Wife Husband will less forgive a shameful piece of Parsimony , than a little Extravaance , if it is not too often repeated ; Mind in this must be your chief Direction ; and his Temper , when once known , will in a great measure justifie your part in the management , if he is pleased with it . In your Cloths avoid too much Gaudiness ; do not value your self upon an Imbroidered-Gown ; and remember , that a reasonable Word , or an obliging Look , will gain you more respect , than all your fine Trappings . This is not said to restrain you from a decent Compliance with the World , provided you take the wiser , and not the foolisher part of your Sex for your Pattern : Some distinctions are to be allowed , whilst they are well-suited to your Quality and Fortune , and in the distribution of the Expence , it seemeth to me , that a full Attendance , and well-chosen Ornaments for your House , will make you a better Figure , than too much glittering in what you wear , which may with more ease be imitated by those which are below you ; yet this must not tempt you to starve every thing but your own Apartment ; or in order to more abundance there , give just cause to the least Servant you have , to complain of the want of what is necessary : Above all , fix it in your thoughts , as an unchangeable Maxim , That nothing is truly fine but what is fit , and that just so much as is proper for your Circumstances of their several kinds , is much finer than all you can add to it ; when you once break through those bounds , you launch into a wide Sea of Extravagance , every thing will become necessary , because you have a mind to it ; and you have a mind to it , not because it is fit for you , but because some body else hath it : This Lady's Logick setteth Reason upon its Head , by carrying the Rule from things to Persons , and appealing from what is right to every Fool that is in the wrong ; the word necessary is miserably applyed , it disordereth Families , and overturneth Governments by being so abused : Remember , that Children and Fools want every thing , because they want Wit to distinguish : and therefore there is not a stronger Evidence of a Crazy Understanding , than the making too large a Catalogue of things necessary , when in truth there are so very few things that have a right to be placed in it ; try every thing first in your Iudgement , before you allow it a place in your Desire , else your Husband may think it as necessary for him to deny , as it is for you to have whatever is unreasonable ; and if you shall too often give him that advantage , the habit of refusing may perhaps reach to things that are not unfit for you ; there are unthinking Ladies , who do not enough consider , how little their own Figure agreeth with the fine things they are so proud of ; others when they have them , will hardly allow them to be visible ; they cannot be seen without Light , and that is many times so sawcy and so prying , that is like a too forward Gallant to be forbid the Chamber to . Some , when you are ushered into their Dark Ruelle , it is with such solemnity , that a Man would swear there was something in it , till the Unskilful Lady breaketh silence , and beginneth a Chat , which discovereth it is Puppit-Play with Magnificent Scenes ; many esteem things rather as they are hard to be gotten , than that they are worth getting : This looketh as if they had an Interest to pursue that Maxim , because a great part of their own value dependeth upon it . Truth in these Cases would be very often unmannerly , and might derogate from the Prerogative , great Ladies would assume to themselves , of being distinct Creatures from those of their Sex , who are inferiour , and of less difficult access in other things too . Your Condition must give the rule to you , and therefore it is not a Wifes part to aim at more than a bounded Liberality ; the farther extent of that Quality ( otherwise to be commended ) belongeth to the Husband , who hath better means for it . Generosity wrong placed becometh a Vice , and it is no more a Vertue when it groweth into an Inconvenience . Vertues must be inlarged or restrained according to the differing Circumstances ; A Princely Mind will undo a private Family , therefore things must be suited , or else they will not deserve to be Commended , let them in themselves be never so valuable ; and the Expectations of the World are best answered when we acquit our selves in that manner which seemeth to be prescribed to our several Conditions , without usurping upon those Duties , which do not so particularly belong to us . I will close the consideration of this Article of Expence , with this short word , Do not fetter your self with such a Restraint in it as may make you Remarkable ; but remember that Vertue is the greatest Ornament , and good Sence the best Equipage . BEHAVIOUR and CONVERSATION . IT is time now to lead you out of your House into the World. A Dangerous step ; where your Vertue alone will not serve you , except it is attended with a great deal of Prudence : You must have both for your Guard , and not stir without them ; the Enemy is abroad , and you are sure to be taken , if you are found stragling : Your Behaviour is therefore to incline strongly towards the Reserved part : your Character is immovably to be fixed upon that Bottom , not excluding a mixture of greater freedom , as far as it may be innocent and well-timed . The Extravagancies of the Age have made Caution more necessary ; and by the same reason that the too great Licence of Ill Men hath by Consequence in many things restrained the Lawful Liberty of those who did not abuse it , the unjustifiable Freedom of some of your Sex have involved the rest in the Penalty of being reduced . And though this cannot so alter the Nature of things , as to make that Criminal , which in it self is Indifferent ; yet if it maketh it dangerous , that alone is insufficient to justifie the Restraint . A close behaviour is the fittest to receive Vertue for its constant Guest , because there , and there only , it can be secure . Proper Reserves are the Out-works , and must never be deserted by those who intend to keep the Place ; they keep off the possibility not only of being taken , but of being attempted ; and if a Woman seeth Danger at never so remote a Distance , she is for that time to shorten her Line of Liberty : She who will allow her self to go to the utmost Extents of every thing that is Lawful , is so very near going farther , that those who lie at watch , will begin to count upon her . Mankind , from the double temptation of Vanity and Desire , is apt to turn every thing a Woman doth to the hopeful side ; and there are few who dare make an impudent Application , till they discern something which they are willing to take for an Encouragement : It is safer therefore to prevent such Forwardness , than to go about to cure it : It gathereth Strength by the first allowances , and claimeth a Right from having been at any time suffered with Impunity : Therefore nothing is with more care to be avoided , than such a kind of Civility as may be mistaken for Invitation . It will not be enough for you to keep your self free from any criminal Engagements ; for if you do that which either raiseth Hopes , or createth Discourse , there is a Spot thrown upon your Good Name ; and those kind of Stains are the harder to be taken out , being dropped upon you by the Man's Vanity , as well as by the Woman's Malice . Most Men are in one sence Platonick Lovers , though they are not willing to own that Character ; they are so far Philosophers , as to allow , that the greatest part of Pleasure lieth in the Mind ; and in pursuance of that Maxim , there are few who do not place the Felicity more in the Opinion of the World , of their being prosperous Lovers , than in the Blessing it self , how much soever they appear to value it . This being so , you must be very cautious not to gratifie those Camelions at the price of bringing a Cloud upon your Reputation , which may be deeply wounded , though your Conscience is unconcerned . Your own Sex too will not fail to help the least Appearance that giveth a Handle to be ill turned ; the best of them will not be displeased to improve their own Value , by laying others under a Disadvantage , when there is a fair Occasion given for it ; It distinguisheth them still the more , their own Credit is still the more exalted , and , like a Picture set off with Shades , shineth more when a Lady , less Innocent , or less Discreet , is set near , to make them appear so much the brighter . If these lend their Breath to blast such as are so unwary as to give them this Advantage , you may be sure there will be a stronger Gale from those , who , besides Malice or Emulation , have an Interest too , to strike hard upon a Vertuous Woman : It seemeth to them , that their Load of Infamy is lessened , by throwing part of it upon others ; so that they will not only improve when it lieth in their way , but take pains to find out the least mistake an Innocent Woman committeth , in Revenge of the Injury she doth in leading a Life which is a Reproach to them . With these you must be extream wary , and neither provoke them to be angry , nor invite them to be intimate . To the Men you are to have a Behaviour which may secure you , without offending them : No ill-bred affected Shiness nor Roughness , unsuitable to your Sex , and unnecessary to your Vertue ; but a way of Living that may prevent all course Railleries or unmannerly Freedoms ; Looks that forbid without Rudeness , and oblige without Invitation , or leaving room for the sawcy Inferences Mens Vanity suggesteth to them upon the least Encouragements . This is so very nice , that it must engage you to have a perpetual Watch upon your Eyes , and to remember , that one careless Glaunce giveth more advantage than a hundred Words not enough considered ; the Language of the Eyes being very much the most significant , and the most observed . Your Civility , which is always to be preserved , must not be carried to a Compliance , which may betray you into irrecoverable Mistakes . This French ambiguous word Complaisance hath led your Sex into more blame , than all other things put together : It carrieth them by degrees into a certain thing called a good kind of Woman , an easie Idle Creature , that doth neither Good nor Ill but by chance , hath no Choice , but leaveth that to the Company she keepeth . Time , which by degrees addeth to the signification of Words , hath made her , according to Modern Stile , little better than one who thinketh it a Rudeness to deny , when civilly required , either her Service in Person , or her friendly Assistance , to those who would have a meeting or want a Confident . She is a certain thing always at hand , an easie Companion , who hath ever great Compassion for distressed Lovers : She censureth nothing but Rigour , and is never without a Plaister for a wounded Reputation , in which chiefly lieth her Skill in Chirurgery : She seldom hath the Propriety of any particular Gallant , but liveth upon Brokage , and waiteth for the Scraps her Friends are content to leave her . There is another Character not quite so Criminal , yet not less Ridiculous ; which is that of a good-humour'd Woman , one who thinketh she must always be in a Laugh , or a broad Smile ; and because Good-Humour is an obliging Quality , thinketh it less ill-manners to talk impertinently , than to be silent in Company . When such a prating Engine rideth Admiral , and carrieth the Lanthorn in a Circle of Fools , a cheerful Coxcomb coming in for a Recruit , the Chattering of Monkeys is a better noise than such a Concert of senceless Merriment : If she is applauded in it , she is so encouraged , that , like a Ballad singer , who , if commended , breaketh his Lungs , she letteth her self loose , and overfloweth upon the Company . She conceiveth that Mirth is to have no Intermission , and therefore she will carry it about with her , though it be to a Funeral ; and if a Man should put a familiar Question , she doth not know very well how to be angry , for then she would be no more that pretty thing called a Good humour'd Woman . This necessity of appearing at all times to be infinitely pleased , is a grievous mistake ; since in a handsom Woman that Invitation is unnecessary ; and in one who is not so , ridiculous . It is not intended by this , that you should forswear Laughing ; but remember , that Fools being always painted in that posture it may fright those who are wise from doing it too frequently , and going too near a Copy which is so little inviting , and much more from doing it loud , which is an unnatural Sound , and looketh so much like another Sex , that few things are more offensive . That boistrous kind of Follity is as contrary to Wit and Good manners , as it is to Modesty and Vertue ; besides , it is a course kind of quality , that throweth a Woman into a lower Form , and degradeth her from the Rank of those who are more refined . Some Ladies speak aloud and make a noise to be the more minded , which looketh as if they beat their Drums for Voluntiers , and if by misfortune none come in to them , they may , not without reason , be a good deal out of Countenance . There is yet one thing more to be avoided , which is the Example of those who intend nothing farther than the Vanity of Conquest , and think themselves secure of not having their Honour tainted by it . Some are apt to believe their Vertue is too Obscure , and not enough known , except it is exposed to a broader Light , and set out to its best advantage , by some publick Trials ; these are dangerous Experiments , and generally fail , being built upon so weak a foundation , as that of too great Confidence in our selves ; it is as safe to play with Fire , as to dally with Gallantry . Love is a Passion that hath Friends in the Garrison , and for that reason must by a Woman be kept at such a distance , that she may not be within the danger of doing the most usual thing in the World , which is conspiring against her Self , else the humble Gallant , who is only admitted as a Trophy , very often becometh the Conquerour ; he putteth on the style of Victory , and from an Admirer groweth into a Master , for so he may be called from the moment he is in Possession . The first Resolutions of stopping at good Opinion and Esteem , grow weaker by degrees against the Charms of Courtship skillfully applyed . A Lady is apt to think a Man speaketh so much reason whilst he is Commending her , that she hath much ado to believe him in the wrong when he is making Love to her , and when besides the natural Inducements your Sex hath to be merciful , she is bribed by well-chosen Flattery , the poor Creature is in danger of being caught like a Bird listening to the Whistle of one that hath a Snare for it . Conquest is so tempting a thing , that it often maketh Women mistake Mens Submissions ; which with all their fair Appearances , have generally less Respect than Art in them . You are to remember , that Men who say extream fine things , many times say them most for their own sakes , and that the vain Gallant is often as well pleased with his own Compliments , as he could be with the kindest answer ; where there is not that Ostentation you are to suspect there is a Design ; and as strong perfumes are seldom used but when they are necessary to smother an unwelcome scent ; so Excess of good Words , leave room to believe they are strewed to cover something which is to gain admittance under a Disguise : You must be therefore upon your Guard , and consider , that of the two , Respect is more dangerous than Anger , it puts even the best Understandings out of their place , till the time of their second thoughts restore them ; it stealeth upon us insensibly , throweth down our Defences , and maketh it too late to resist , after we have given it that advantage , whereas railing goeth away in sound , it hath so much noise in it , that by giving warning it bespeaketh Caution . Respect is a flow and sure Poison , and like Poison swelleth us within our selves , where it prevaileth too much , it groweth to be a kind of Apoplexia in the Mind , turneth it quite round , and after it hath once seized the understanding , becometh mortal to it : For these reasons , the safest way is to treat it like a fly Enemy , and be perpetually upon the watch against it . I will add one Advice to conclude this head , which is , that you will let every seven years make some alteration in you towards the Graves side , and not be like the Girls of Fifty , who resolve to be always Young , what ever Time with his Iron Teeth hath determined to the contrary ; unnatural things carry a Deformity in them never to the Disguised ; the Liveliness of Youth in a riper Age , looketh like an old patch upon a new Gown ; so that a Gay Matron , a chearful old Fool may be reasonably put into the List of the Tamer kind of Monsters : There is a certain Creature call'd a Grave Hobby-Horse , a kind of she Numps , that pretendeth to be pulled to a Play , and must needs go to Bartholomew-Fair , to look after the young Folks , of whom she onely seemeth to take care , when in reality she onely taketh them for her excuse ; such an old Butterfly is of all Creatures the most ridiculous , and the soonest found out . It is good to be early in your Caution , to avoid any thing that cometh within distance of such despicable Patterns , and not like some Ladies , who defer their Conversion , till they have been so long in possession of being laughed at , that the World doth not know how to change their style , even when they are reclaimed from that which gave the first occasion for it ; the advantages of being reserved are too many to be set down , I will only say , that it is a Guard to a good Woman , and a Disguise to an ill one . It is of so much use to both , that those ought to use it as an Artifice , who refuse to practise it as a Vertue . FRIENDSHIPS . I Must in a particular manner recommend to you a strict Care in the Choice of your Friends ; perhaps the best are not without their Objections , but however , be sure that yours may not stray from the Rules which the wiser part of the World hath set to them ; the Leagues Offensive and Defensive , seldom hold in Politicks , and much less is Friendships ; the violent Intimacies , when once broken , of which they scarce ever fail , make such a Noise , the Bag of Secrets untied , they fly about like Birds let loose from a Cage , and become the Entertainment of the Town . Besides , these great Dearnesses by degrees grow injurious to the rest of your Acquaintance , and throw them off from you : There is such an Offensive Distinction when the Dear Friend cometh into the Room , that it is flinging Stones at the Company , who are not apt to forgive it . Do not lay out your Friendship too lavishly at first , since it will , like other things , be so much the sooner spent ; neither let it be of too quick a growth ; for as the Plants which shoot up too fast are not of that continuance , as those which take more time for it ; so too swift a Progress in pouring out your Kindness , is a certain Sign that by the Course of Nature it will not be long-lived . You will be responsible to the World , if you pitch upon such Friends as at the same time are under the weight of any Criminal Objection ; in that case you will bring your self under the disadvantages of their Character , and must bear your part of it . Chusing implieth Approving ; and if you fix upon a Lady for your Friend against whom the World shall have given Judgment , 't is not so well natur'd as to believe you are altogether averse to her way of living , since it doth not discourage you from admitting her into your Kindness ; and Resemblance of Inclinations being thought none of the least Inducements to Friendship , you will be looked upon at least as a well-wisher if not a Partner with her in her Faults : If you can forgive them in another , it may be presumed you will not be less gentle to your self ; and therefore you must not take it ill , if you are reckoned a Croupiere , and condemned to pay an equal Share with such a friend of the Reputation she hath lost . If it hapneth that your Friend should fall from the State of Innocence after your Kindness was engaged to her , you may be slow in your belief in the beginning of the Discovery ; but as soon as you are convinced by a Rational Evidence , you must , without breaking too rughly , make a fair and quick Retreat from such a Mistaken Acquaintance ; else by moving too slowly from one that is so tainted , the Contagion may reach you so far as to give you part of the Scandal , though not of the Guilt . This Matter is so nice , that as you must not be too hasty to joyn in the Censure upon your Friend when she is accused , so you are not on the other side to defend her with too much warmth ; for if she should happen to deserve the Report of Common Fame , besides the Vexation that belongeth to such a mistake , you will draw an ill appearance upon your self , and it will be thought you pleaded for her not without some consideration of your self . The Angel which must be put on to vindicate the Reputation of an injured Friend , may incline the Company to suspect you would not be so zealous , if there was not a possibility that the Case might be your own : For this reason you are not to carry your dearness so far , as absolutely to lose your Sight where your Friend is concerned : Because Malice is too quick-sighted , it doth not follow , that Friendship must be blind : There is to be a Mean between those Extreams , else your Excuse of Good Nature may betray you into a very ridiculous Figure , and by degrees may be preferr'd to such Offices as you will not be proud of . Your Ignorance may lessen the Guilt , but will improve the Jest upon you , who shall be kindly sollicitous to procure a Meeting , and innocently contribute to the Ills you would avoid ; whilst the Contriving Lovers , when they are alone , shall make you the Subject of their Mirth , and perhaps ( with respect to the Goddess of Love be it spoken ) it is not the worst part of their Entertainment , at least it is the most lasting , to laugh at the believing Friend , who was so easily deluded . Let the good Sense of your Friends be a chief Ingredient in your Choice of them ; else let your Reputation be never so clear , it may be clouded by their Impertinence . It is like our Houses being in the Power of a Drunken and Careless Neighbour ; only so much worse , as that there will be no Insurance here to make you amends , as there is in the Case of Fire . To conclude this Paragraph ; If Formality is to be allowed in any Instance , it is to be put on to resist the Intrusion of such forward Women as shall press themselves into your Friendship , where , if admitted , they will be either a Snare or an Incumbrance . CENSURE . IT will come next to your Consideration , how you are to mannage your Censure ; in which both Care and Skill will be a good deal required , to distinguish is not only natural but necessary ; and the Effect of it is , That we cannot avoid giving Judgment in our Minds , either to absolve or to condemn as the Cafe requireth . The Difficulty is , to know where and when it is proper to proclaim the Sentence . An Aversion to what is Criminal , and a Contempt of what is ridiculous , are the inseparable Companions of Understanding and Vertue ; but the letting them go farther than our own Thoughts , hath so much danger in it , that though it is neither possible nor fit to suppress them intirely , yet it is necessary they should be kept under great Restraints . An unlimited Liberty of this kind is little less than sending a Herald to proclaim War to the World , which is an angry Beast when so provoked : The Contest will be unequal , though you are never so much in the right ; and if you begin against such an Adversary , it will tear you in pieces , and with this Justification , That it is done in its own defence . You must therefore take heed of Laughing , except in Company that is very sure ; it is throwing Snow-balls against Bullets ; and it is the disadvantage of a Woman , that the Malice of the World will help the Brutality of those who will throw a slovenly Untruth upon her . You are for this Reason to suppress your Impatience ; for Fools , ( which besides that they are too strong a Party to be unnecessarily provoked ) are , and of all other the most dangerous . In this Case , a Blockhead in his Rage will return a dull Iest , which will lie heavy , though there is not a Grain of Wit in it . Others will do it with more Art , and you must not think your self secure because your Reputation may perhaps be out of reach of Ill-will ; for if it findeth that part guarded , it will seek one which is more exposed ; it flieth , like a corrupt Humour in the Body , to the weakest Part : If you have a tender Side , the World will be sure to find it , and to put the worst Colour on all you say or do , give an Aggravation to every thing that may lessen you , and a spiteful turn to every thing that might recommend you . Anger laieth open those Defects which Friendship would not see , and Civility would be willing to forget . Malice needeth no such Invitation to encourage it , neither are any Pains more superfluous than those we take to be ill spoken of . If Envy , which never dyeth , and seldom sleepeth , is content sometimes to be in a Slumber , it is very unskilful to make a noise to awaken it : Besides , your Wit will be misapplied in it , if it is wholly directed to discern the Faults of others , when it is so necessary to be so often used to mend and prevent your own . The sending our Thoughts too much abroad , hath the same Effect , as when a Family never stayeth at home ; Neglect and Disorder naturally followeth ; naturally followeth ; as it must do within our selves , if we do not frequently turn our Eyes inwards , to see what is amiss with us , where it is a sign we have an unwelcome Prospect , when we do not care to look upon it , but rather seek our Consolations in the Faults of those we converse with . Avoid being the first in fixing a hard Censure , but let it be confirmed by the general Voice , before you give credit to it : Neither are you then to give Sentence like a Magistrate , or as if you had a special Authority to bestow a good or ill Name at your discretion . Do not dwell too long upon a weak Side , touch and go away ; take pleasure to stay longer where you can commend , like Bees that fix only upon those Herbs out of which they may extract the Juice of which their Honey is composed . A Vertue stuck with Bristles is too rough for this Age ; it must be adorned with some Flowers , or else it will be unwillingly entertained ; so that even where it may be fit to strike , do it like a Lady , gently ; and assure your self , that where you take care to do it , you will wound others more , and hurt your self less , by soft Strokes , than by being harsh or violent . The Triumph of Wit is to make your good Nature subdue your Censure ; to be quick in seeing Faults , and slow in exposing them . You are to consider , that the invisible thing called a Good Name , is made up of the Breath of Numbers that speak well of you ; so that if by a disobliging Word you silence the meanest , the Gale will be less strong which is to bear up your Esteem . And though nothing is so vain as the eager pursuit of empty Applause , yet to be well thought of , and to be kindly used by the World , is like a Glory about a Womans Head ; 't is a Perfume she carrieth about with her , and leaveth where-ever she goeth ; 't is a Charm against Ill-will ; Malice may empty her Quiver , but cannot wound ; the Dirt will not stick , the Jests will not take : Without the consent of the World , a Scandal doth not go deep ; it is only a slight stroke upon the Party injured , and returneth with the greater force upon those that gave it . VANITY and AFFECTATION . I Must with more than ordinary earnestness give you Caution against Vanity , it being the Fault to which your Sex seemeth to be the most inclined , and since Affectation for the most part attendeth it , I do not know how to divide them : I will not call them Twins , because more properly Vanity is the Mother , and Affectation the Darling Daughter : Vanity is the Sin , and Affectation the Punishment ; the first may be called the Root of Self-Love , the other the Fruit ; Vanity is never at its full growth till it spreadeth into Affectation , and then it is compleat . Not to dwell any longer upon the definition of them , I will pass to the means and motives to avoid them : In order to it , you are to consider , that the World challengeth the right of distributing Esteem and Applause ; so that where any assume by their single Authority , to be their own Carvers ; it groweth angry , and never faileth to seek Revenge ; and if we may measure a Fault by the greatness of the Penalty , there are few of a higher size than Vanity , as there is scarce a Punishment which can be heavier than that of being laughed at . Vanity maketh a Woman tainted with it , so top-ful of her self , that she spilleth it upon the Company ; and because her own thoughts are intirely imployed in Self-Contemplation ; she endeavoureth , by a cruel Mistake , to confine her Acquaintance to the same narrow Circle of that which only concerneth her Ladiship , forgetting that she is not of half that Importance to the World , that she is to her self , so mistaken she is in her Value , by being her own Appraiser ; she will fetch such a Compass in Discourse to bring in her beloved Self , and rather than fail , her fine Petty-Coat , that there can hardly be a better Scene than such a Tryal of ridiculous Ingenuity : It is a Pleasure to see her Angle for Commendation , and rise so dissatisfied with the Ill-bred Company , if they will not bite . To observe her throwing her Eyes about to fetch in Prisoners , and go about Cruizing like a Privateer , and so out of Countenance , if she return without Booty , is no ill piece of Comedy : She is so eager to draw respect , that she always misseth it , yet thinketh it so much her due , that when she faileth she groweth waspish , not considering , that it is impossible to commit a Rape upon the will. That is must be fairly gained , and will not be taken by Storm ; and that in this Case , the Tax ever riseth highest by a Benevolence . If the World instead of admiring her Imaginary Excellencies , taketh the Liberty to laugh at them , she appealeth from it to her self , for whom she giveth Sentence , and proclaimeth it in all Companies : On the other side , if incouraged by a Civil Word , she is so obliging , that she will give thanks for being laughed at in good Language : She taketh a Complement for a Demonstration , and setteth it up as an Evidence , even against her Looking-Glass ; but the good Lady being all this while in a most profound Ignorance of her self , forgetteth that Men would not let her talk upon them , and throw so many senceless words at their heads , if they did not intend to put her Person to Fine and Ransome for her Impertinence . Good words of any other Lady , are so many Stones thrown at her , she can by no means bear them , they make her so uneasie , that she cannot keep her Seat ; but up she riseth , and goeth home half burst with Anger and Strait-Lacing ; if by great chance she saith any thing that hath sence in it , she expecteth such an Excessive rate of Commendations , that to her thinking the Company ever riseth in her Debt ; she looketh upon Rules as things made for the common People , and not for Persons of her Rank ; and this Opinion sometimes provokes her to Extend her Prerogative to the dispencing with the Commandments : If by great Fortune she happeneth , in spite of her Vanity , to be honest , she is so troublesome with it , that as far as in her lieth , she maketh a Scurvy thing of it ; her bragging of her Vertue , looketh as if it cost her so much pains to get the better of her Self , that the Inferences are very ridiculous . Her good Humour is generally applied to the laughing at good Sence . It would do one good to see how heartily she despiseth any thing that is fit for her to do . The greatest part of her Fancy is laid out in chusing her Gown , as her Discretion is chiefly imploy'd in not paying for it . She is faithful to the Fashion , to which not only her Opinion , but her Senses are wholly resigned ; so obsequious she is to it , that she would be ready to be reconciled even to Vertue with all its Faults , if she had her Dancing-Master's Word that it was practis'd at Court , To a Woman so compos'd , when Affectation commeth in to improve her Character , it is then raised to the highest Perfection . She first setteth up for a Fine thing , and for that Reason will distinguish her self , right or wrong , in every thing she doth . She would have it thought that she is made of so much the finer Clay , and so much more sifted than ordinary , that she hath no common Earth about her : to this end she must neither move nor speak like other Women , because it would be vulgar ; and therefore must have a Language of her own , since ordinary English is too course for her . The Looking-glass in the Morning dictateth to her all the Motions of the Day , which by how much the more studied , are so much the more mistaken . She cometh into a Room as if her Limbs were set on with ill-made Screws , which maketh the Company fear the pretty thing should leave some of its artificial Person upon the Floor . She doth not like her self as God Almighty made her , but will have some of her own Workmanship ; which is so far from making her a better thing than a Woman , that it turneth her into a worse Creature than a Monkey . She falleth out with Nature , against which she maketh War without admitting of a Truce , those Moments excepted in which her Gallant may reconcile her to it , when she hath a mind to be soft and languishing : There is something so unnatural in that affected Easiness , that her Frowns could not be by many degrees so forbidding . When she would appear unreasonably humble , one may see she is so excessively proud , that there is no enduring it . There is such an impertinent Smile , such a satisfied Simper , when she faintly disowneth some fulsom Commendation a Man hapneth to bestow upon her against his Conscience , that her Thanks for it are more visible under such a thin Disguise , than they could be if she should print them . If a handsomer Woman taketh any liberty of Dressing out of the ordinary Rules , the mistaken Lady followeth , without distinguishing the unequal Pattern , and maketh her self uglier by an Example misplaced ; either forgetting the Privilege of good Looks in another , or presuming , without sufficient reason , upon her own . Her Discourse is a sensless Chime of empty Words , a heap of Complements so equally applied to differing Persons , that they are neither valu'd nor believ'd . Her Eyes keep pace with her Tongue , and are therefore always in motion ; one may discern that they generally incline to the compassionate side , and that , notwithstanding her pretence to Vertue , she is gentle to distressed Lovers , and Ladies that are merciful . She will repeat the tender part of a Play so feelingly , that the Company may guess , without Injustice , she was not altogether a disinteressed Spectator . She thinketh that Paint and Sin are concealed by railing at them ; upon the latter she is less hard , and being divided between the two opposite Prides of her Beauty and her Vertue , she is often tempted to give broad Hints that some body is dying for her ; and of the two she is less unwilling to let the World think she may be sometimes profan'd , than that she is never worshipped . Very great Beauty may perhaps so dazle for a time , that Men may not so clearly see the Deformity of those . Affections : But when the Brightness goeth off , and that the Lover's Eyes are by that means set at liberty to see things as they are , he will naturally return to his lost Senses , and recover the Mistake into which the Lady 's good Looks had at first engaged him ; and being once undeceived ; ceaseth to worship that as a Goddess , which he seeth is only an artificial Shrine , moved by Wheels and Springs to delude him . Such Women please only like the first Opening of a Scene , that hath nothing to recommend it but the being New : They may be compared to Flies , that have pretty shining Wings for two or three hot Months , but the first cold Weather maketh an end of them ; so the latter Season of these fluttering Creatures is dismal : From their nearest Friends they receive a very faint Respect ; from the rest of the World , the utmost degree of Contempt . Let this Picture supply the place of any other Rules which might be given to prevent your resemblance to it . The Deformity of it , well considered , is Instruction enough , from the very same reason , that the fight of a Drunkard is a better Sermon against that Vice , than the best that was ever preach'd upon that Subject . PRIDE . AFter having said this against Vanity , I do not intend to apply the same Censure to Pride , well placed , and rightly defined . It is an ambiguous Word ; one kind of it is as much a Vertue , as the other is a Vice : But we are naturally so apt to chuse the worst , that it is become dangerous to commend the best side of it . A Woman is not to be proud of her fine Gown ; nor when she hath less Wit than her Neighbours , to comfort her self that she hath more Lace . Some Ladies put so much weight upon Ornaments , that if one could see into their Hearts , it would be found , that even the Thoughts of Death are made less heavy to them by the Contemplation of their being laid out in State , and honourably attended to the Grave . One may come a good deal short of such an Extream , and yet still be sufficiently Impertinent , by setting a wrong Value upon things which ought to be used with more indifference . A Lady must not appear sollicitous to ingross Respect to her self , but be content with a reasonable Distribution , and allow it to others , that she may have it returned to her . She is not to be troublesomly nice , nor distinguish her self by being too delicate , as if ordinary things were too course for her ; this is an unmannerly and offensive Pride , and where it is practised , deserveth to be mortified , of which it seldom faileth . She is not to lean too much upon her Quality , much less to despite those who are below it . Some make Quality an Idol , and then their Reason must fall down and worship it ; they would have the World think , that no amends can ever be made for the want of a great Title , or ancient Coat of Arms : They imagine , that with these Advantages they stand upon the higher Ground , which maketh them look down upon Merit and Vertue , as things inferiour to them . This Mistake is not only senseless , but criminal too , in putting a greater Price upon that which is a piece of good Luck , than upon things which are valuable in themselves . Laughing is not enough for such a Folly ; it must be severely whipped , as it justly deserves . It will be confessed , there are frequent Temptations given by pert Upstarts to be angry , and by that to have our Judgment corrupted in these Cases ; but they are to be resisted , and the utmost that is to be allowed , is , when those of a new Edition will forget themselves , so as either to brag of their weak side , or to endeavour to hide their Meanness by their Insolence ; to cure them by a little seasonable Raillery , a little Sharpness well placed , without dwelling too long upon it . These and many other kinds of Pride are to be avoided . That which is to be recommended to you , is , an Emulation to raise your self to a Character , by which you may be distinguished , an Eagerness for precedence in Vertue , and all such other things as may gain you a greater share in the good Opinion of the World. Esteem to Vertue is like a cherishing Air to Plants and Flowers , which maketh them blow and prosper ; and for that reason it may be allowed to be in some degree the Cause as well as the Reward of it . That Pride which leadeth to a good End , cannot be a Vice , since it is the beginning of a Vertue ; and to be pleased with just Applause , is so far from being a Fault , that it would be an ill Symptom in a Woman , who should not place the greatest part of her Satisfaction in it . Humility is no doubt a great Vertue ; but it ceaseth to be so , when it is afraid to scorn an ill thing . Against Vice and Folly it is becoming your Sex to be haughty ; but you must not carry the Contempt of things to Arrogance towards Persons , and it must be done with fitting Distinctions , else it may be Inconvenient by being unseasonable . A Pride that raiseth a little Anger to be out-done in any thing that is good , will have so good an Effect , that it is very hard to allow it to be a Fault . It is no easie matter to carry even between these differing kinds so described ; but remember , that it is safer for a Woman to be thought too proud , than too familiar . DIVERSIONS . THE last thing I shall recommend to you , is a wise and safe method of using Diversions ; to be too eager in the pursuit of pleasure whilst you are Young , is dangerous ; to catch at it in riper Years , is grasping a shadow that will not be held ; besides , that by being less natural it groweth to be indecent ; Diversions are the most properly to be applied , to ease and relieve those who are Oppressed , by being too much Imployed ; those that are Idle have no need of them , and have no need of them , and yet they above all others give themselves up to them . To unbend our Thoughts , when they are too much stretched by our Cares , is not more natural than it is necessary , but to turn our whole Life into a Holy-day , is not only ridiculous , but destroyeth pleasure instead of promoting it ; the Mind like the Body is tired by being always in one Posture , too serious breaketh it , and too diverting looseneth it : It is Variety that giveth the Relish , so that Diversions too frequently reaped , grow first to be in indifferent , and at last tedious ; whilst they are well chosen and well timed , they are never to be blamed ; but when they are used to an Excess , though very Innocent at first , they often grow to be Criminal , and never fail to be Impertinent : Some Ladies are bespoken for Merry Meetings , as Bessus was for Duels ; they are ingaged in a Circle of Idleness , where they turn round for the whole Year , without the Interruption of a serious hour ; they know all the Players Names , & are Intimately acquainted with all the Booths in Bartholomew Fair ; no Souldier is more Obedient to the sound of his Captain 's Trumpet , than they are to that which summoneth them either to a Puppit-Play or a Monster ; the Spring that bringeth out Flies , and Fools maketh them Inhabitants in Hide-Park ; in the Winter they are an Incumbrance to the Play-House , and the Ballast of the Drawing-Room ; the Streets all this while are so weary of these daily Faces , that Mens Eyes are over-laid with them ; the sight is glutted with fine things as the Stomach with sweet ones ; and when a fair Lady will give too much of her self to the World , she groweth lushious , and oppresseth instead of pleasing . These Jolly Ladies do so continually seek Diversion , that in a little time they grow into a Jeast , yet are unwilling to remember , that if they were seldomer seen they would not be so often laughed at ; besides , they make themselves Cheap , than which there cannot be an unkinder word bestowed upon your Sex. To play sometimes , to entertain Company , or to divert your self , is not to be disallowed , but to do it so often as to be called a Gamester , is to be avoided , next to the things that are most Criminal . It hath Consequences of several kinds not to be indured ; it will ingage you into a habit of Idleness and ill hours , draw you into ill mixed Company , make you neglect your Civilities abroad , and your business at home , and impose into your Acquaintance such as will do you no Credit . To deep Play there will be yet greater Objections ; it will give Occasion to the World to ask spiteful Questions , how you dare venture to lose , and what means you have to pay such great sums . If you pay exactly , it will be enquired from whence the money cometh ; if you owe , and especially to a Man , you must be so very Civil to him for his forbearance , that it layeth a ground of having it farther improved if the Gentleman is so disposed , who will be thought no unfair Creditor , if where the Estate faileth he seizeth upon the Person ; besides , if a Lady could see her own Face upon an ill Game , at a deep Stake , she would certainly forswear any thing that could put her looks under such a Disadvantage . DANCING . TO Dance sometimes will not be imputed to you as a fault , but remember that the end of your Learning it , was , that you might know the better how to move gracefully ; it is only an advantage so far ; when it goeth beyond it , one may call it excelling in a Mistake , which is no very great Commendation : It is better for a Woman never to Dance , because she hath no skill in it , than to do it too often , because she doth it well ; the easiest as well as the safest Method of doing it , is in private Companies , as amongst particular Friends , and then carelesly , like a Diversion ; rather than with Solemnity , as if it was business , or had any thing in it to deserve a Months preparation by serious Conference with a Danceing-Master . Much more might be said to all these heads , and many more might be added to them ; but I must restrain my thoughts , which are full of my Dear Child , and would overflow into a Volume , which would not be fit for a New-Years-Gift . I will conclude with my warmest Wishes for all that is good to you , that you may live so as to be an Ornament to your Family , and a Pattern to your Sex , that you may be blessed with a Husband that may value , and with Children that may inherit your Vertue ; that you may shine in the World by a true Light , and silence Envy by deserving to be esteemed , that Wit and Vertue may both conspire to make you a great Figure ; when they are separated , the first is so empty , and the other so faint , that they scarce have right to be commended : May they therefore meet and never part ; let them be your Guardian Angels , and be sure never to stray out of the distance of their joint-protection : May you so raise your Character , that you may help to make the next Age a better thing , and leave Posterity in your Debt for the advantage it shall receive by your Example : Let me conjure you , My Dearest , to comply with this kind Ambition of a Father , whose thoughts are so ingaged in your behalf , that he reckoneth your Happiness to be the greatest part of his own . FINIS .