The Woman In The Home hy Reverend Hugh Calkins, D. S. M. Faith In Our Time B s a a t M » • 1 I ra HSnBB . joHM m m The Woman In The Home I The Woman In The Home Thirteen talks delivered in the Faith In Our Time program produced by the National Council of Catholic Men in cooperation with the Mutual Broadcasting System, from January 2, 1947, through March 27, 1947. BY REV. HUGH CALKINS, O. S.M. Second Edition 10,000 December 12, 1949 NATIONAL COUNCIL OP CATHOLIC MEN 1312 Massachusetts Ave., N.W. Washington 5, D. Ci Printed and distributed by Our Sunday Visitor Huntington, Indiana Imprimatur: 4" J O H N FRANCIS NOLL, Bishop of Fort Woyne Nihil Obstat: REV. T. E. DILLON Censor Librorum ftStt&Sfisd TABLE OF CONTENTS Page The Best Days Of Our Years 7 Who's The Boss At Home? 10 Woman's Most Important Job . 13 The Influence Of Good Mothers 16 The Greatest Educator I Ever Knew 19 Getting Along In Marriage 22 What Your Husband Really Thinks Of You 25 Union Of Souls In Marriage .... 28 Marriage Is A Challenging Vocation 31 Meditation For Bachelor Girls 34 How To Be Happy Though Single 37 Why Some Women Don't Marry 40 How To Help Bachelor Girls 43 THE BEST DAYS Address given on There is an interesting and popular motion picture being heavily advertised these days. It's called "The Best Years Of Our Lives." When you see it or read about it, you begin to won- der: What are the best years of my life? Or better still, what are the best days of all my years? I think the best days are today and tomorrow and the best year is the one that bowed into being this very week. I don't mean to sound like Pollyanna, but take a look at to- day and tomorrow. Today is the only time-period we're really sure we have. And tomorrow is the only one we know we haven't yet spoiled even a little. The past, even the newly-born re- grets of the year's end, are dead and gone. Today is right here. We can kneel down and ask God f r o m the bottom of contrite h e a r t s : "Forgive us our tres- passes, as we forgive those who trespass against us." Then we can t u r n with confident hearts and say: "Give us this day our daily bread," just to remind our- selves more forcibly t h a t God wants us concentrating upon each day as it comes. OF OUR YEARS January 2, 1947 No matter how seriously we offended God through deliberate sins in the past, there's no point rooting among the dead bones of forgiven sins in the graveyard of yesterday. God loves us f o r what we can still become in the bright promise of tomorrow. We can face each tomorrow as the one day we shall really use well and profitably. And who can say we're wrong? Maybe tomorrow will be our biggest day, maybe even the day t h a t will crown our service of God with the eternal reward of Heaven. So today and tomorrow are the best days of our years. Let's talk about what we can do with them. Let's talk especially about things we shall correct and im- prove in our home and family dealings. I don't want to sug- gest your New Year resolutions f o r you, but maybe some con- structive thoughts about you and your family will produce resolu- tion and reform. Contrary to moldy wisecracks, good resolutions do some good. If they do nothing else, they wilt somewhat the starchy f r o n t built up by our conceit. Getting our- 8 THE WOMAN IN THE HOME selves to even admit our f a u l t s is a great good. With most of us, Humility is t h e virtue we need most and practice the least. Oh, we give lip service to t h i s charming virtue. But way down deep we're p r e t t y much in love with ourselves. So a f e w resolu- tions which make us see t h e t r u t h about our faults, make us determined to t r y to improve, so life will be more pleasant f o r all those around us, such resolutions do some good. Bad as we are, how much worse we'd be, if we never made resolutions. Made properly and sincerely and a t the r i g h t time (and a hangover period is not t h e r i g h t t i m e ) , resolutions can change lives and eternities. Notice w h a t they did f o r Mary Magdalene, t h e Good Thief Dismas, St. Paul, St. Au- gustine. How about s t a r t i n g off w i t h : This year I shall fulfill t h e basic purpose of my existence on earth. We all believe we were' created to know, to love, and to serve Almighty God and thus to win happiness on e a r t h and f o r - ever in Heaven. Let's act like people who really believe t h a t ' s our main job on e a r t h . To know God I must keep in touch with Him and t h a t means I m u s t p r a y each day. If I haven't been praying, why not? Because God never gives me what I ask f o r ? Well, t h a t ' s not the only point in prayer. We p r a y in order to pay our debts to God, to maintain contact with Him, not merely to win f a v o r s f r o m Him. Take the next m a t t e r of our destiny—to love God. When you love anyone, you do the things t h a t please him. God has made known to t h e whole human race His divine laws through t h e Ten Commandments. Why not set them up f o r yourself and your family a s Rules f o r Successful Living you really intend to ob- serve. Christ Himself reminded u s : "If you love me, keep my commandments." Do you think we'd have t h e t r a g i c moral chaos America lives in today, if the Ten Commandments were so recognized? To love God and to serve Him a r e two efforts t h a t a r e like one. If we were to condense the Ten Commandments, we could make them over into two—Love God and Love Your Neighbor f o r t h e sake of God. If we kept God's laws, or a t least kept on t r y i n g hard to observe them, and if we helped our neighbors' bodies and souls to please God, we'd fulfill our God-given destiny. N a t u - rally, we'd see our most impor- t a n t neighbors a r e the members THE BEST DAYS of our own family. We'd start making our homes God-like. That should be the second resolution: We shall make our homes truly God-like. Our model could be God's own family— Jesus, Mary, Joseph. How soon such a resolve would make us fulfill our jobs as parents, obedi- ent children, married partners. The endless quarreling which wrecks the peace of so many homes would be cured by genu- ine kindness and consideration. The cursing, swearing, foul lan- guage which so often sets the pattern of children's bad habits could be cured by adults in the home. Sure, there might be fail- ures, but the steady effort at trying teaches children. Instead of the corner tavern, the local movie house or the neighborhood drugstore being the center of activity for family members, suppose we make home the place where everything starts. That means taking time to stay home, plan with children, be patient with their noise and their friends, but can you think of a better way to cure the youth problems everybody cries about? The annual cost of crime to each American citizen is now one hundred and fifteen dollars a year. We spend entirely too OF OUR YEARS 9 much to correct our delinquent citizens, over twenty per cent of whom are classified as youthful. Yet every expert on the subject admits the main cause of such crime is the broken home. And homes are broken because God and God's ways of thinking and acting have been cast out. Why not put God back in our homes and make families really chil- dren of God? The third resolution, and this is the last since it's not wise to make too many, is: We shall re- gard our children and their in- terests as more important than anything except our duties to God. The major sins in families today could be cured if children would be had and seen. Our age not only refuses to let children be born, it tries to sidetrack their living off the main high- ways of thoughtful adult atten- tion. We adults get so interested in world problems and national affairs that we forget the really important people for whom we are trying to build a better world. So our three resolutions are: Give God first place in our love and service: make our homes God-like: give children our full attention. Let's check on these next week. Until then, God be with you. WHO'S THE BOSS AT HOME? Address given on They say the mark of a train- ed mind is the ability to make distinctions properly. If we hope to understand a woman's proper role in the home we must keep in mind a few simple distinctions. The first one is: Husband and wife have separate roles to ful- fill at home. The husband is the head of the home. The wife is the heart of the home. So while the husband may lawfully claim the chief place in ruling, the wife may and ought to claim for herself the chief place in love. Thus an "order of love" is built up in the family. Man's head- ship is recognized and woman's dignity is clearly maintained. The next distinction to keep clearly in mind is: Husband and wife must blend the fulfillment of their separate roles into one happy combination. Since both are responsible to God as cooper- ative partners in a lifelong contract, they must work to- gether in harmony. There should be no arguing about "I'll show who's boss around here." Such quarreling can be headed off by recognizing definite limitations f o r the separate spheres of in- fluence husband and wife gov- January 9, 1947 ern. A husband must not so bluntly assert his right to rule that he destroys the peaceful at- mosphere of love built up in the home by his wife. A wife must not so softly pet and pamper children that she makes proper rule by the husband fail. And both must always remem- ber this distinction: Fulfillment of a God-given role never justi- fies excessive domination. If a husband seeks to make a wife obey his every whim and mood, regardless of common sense and reasonable fairness, he misuses his right to rule. His wife is not bound to be subject to silly ca- price but only to lawful author- ity. Yet if a wife uses her af- fection and womanly charm to unfairly dominate her husband, she misuses her first place in love. If she selfishly builds up her own stock with her children, while tearing down the respect they owe their father, she is de- frauding her husband of his rights. Both husband and wife can sin against God's laws that surround their contract by unfairly ex- erting influence upon each other. Take a case like this. A hus- WHO'S THE BOSS AT HOME? 11 band blusteringly says: "You're my wife and you'll do what you're told." Then he proceeds to order her to sinfully break the laws of God. Perhaps, from selfish motives, he would demand from her so much attention that she would neglect her home and children. Isn't it obvious that wives must not and dare not obey such abuse of power? On the other hand, the wife may cause the husband to sin. Suppose a w i f e complains: "Well, if you really loved me, you wouldn't demand that I bear so many children." Isn't she using her power of love to en- courage violations of the mar- riage contract? And won't God hold her responsible for just that? If a wife by whining criticism and indulgent self-pity dodges her way out of wifely duties that God demands of her, isn't she misusing her su- premacy of the heart? Isn't such abuse often as productive of sin, of unhappiness in the home, as the brutal tyranny of a husband who misuses his right to give orders as head of the house? So you see it's not easy to de- cide who's boss at home. Both partners soon discover their spheres of influence closely in- tertwine. Wouldn't they do bet- ter to labor for unity rather than to seek domination over one another? Many a wife is un- happy today in her home, pre- cisely because she refuses to humbly accept the proper sub- jection to her husband that God expects of her. It's one of life's startling but constant para- doxes: women are most unhappy when they are not properly sub- ject to men. The reason is: When woman is properly subject to man, she fulfills her true role of wifehood and motherhood and she finds contentment in loving and being loved. Aren't women the first people to admit they soon come to despise a man they can easily dominate? When a wife keeps her own liberty as an individual and yet dutifully obeys the reasonable commands given her through lawful au- thority exercised by her hus- band, she finds peace in her own heart and brings the blessings of God upon her home. If you study the Sacred Scrip- ture, you'll find clearly revealed by God the proper relationship husband and wife should enjoy. Begin with the first book of the Bible, Genesis, and you see Woman was created by God as man's helpmate, not his slave. Man and woman constituted the 12 THE WOMAN IN THE HOME initial partnership of the human race. Both had to act in the in- terests of t h a t partnership. Dis- associated f r o m the partnership of a life in coinmon, each stood equal before God. Whatever sub- ordination was imposed upon woman by reason of her physical structure and her role of wife and mother, was purely f o r the benefit of the partnership as such, and not f o r the benefit of the man as an individual. Study carefully the Epistles of St. Paul and you'll discover in sharp detail how husband and wife must work together with God in family life. "Be subject to one another," he says, "in the f e a r of Christ. Let wives be subject to their husbands as to the Lord . . . Husbands, love your wives, j u s t as Christ also loved the Church . . . I would have you know t h a t the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is the man, and the head of Christ is God" (Ephesians 5: 21-26; 1 Corin- thians 11:3). Thus the ideal ex- pressed by Saint Paul is an orderly subjection of wife to husband and husband to Christ. Such an ideal ennobles both hus- band and wife. The greatest example f o r mar- ried p a r t n e r s to study and imi- tate is the Holy Family at Na- zareth. Watch Jesus, Mary and Joseph live out their family life and you see how noble is obedi- ent subjection accepted out of love f o r God. If Christ could obey two earthly creatures, if Mary could obey a husband vast- ly her inferior in holiness and intelligence, if Joseph could humbly but firmly rule over t h e holiest persons earth has ever seen, cannot today's families live in peace by carrying out their roles assigned them by God? This month, all over the Catholic world, we honor in a special way The Holy Family. Will you pause with us and offer a prayer, per- haps with your own family pray- ing together, to Jesus, Mary, Joseph? Ask them to teach you and your family to fulfill the New Year resolution we spoke of last week—to make your homes more God-like. Next week we'll speak of Woman's place in public life. Until then—God be with you. WOMAN'S MOST Address given on A woman's work is never done. And her influence can never be limited just to her home. When women live truly womanly lives, they richly bene- fit their families, their nations, all humanity. That is why women must always remember just what their most important work is. If women become con- fused about the task facing them, all society becomes con- fused. One of the main causes of our social unrest today is that women either don't know, or for- get, or underestimate their greatest task. Here's an example to illus- trate. A young mother wrote me recently: "You know, when I discovered I was expecting my third baby in the fourth year of my marriage, I was not dis- pleased. Neither was my hus- band. But, oh, my parents, in- laws and friends—I knew they'd throw up their hands in exasper- ation. I felt I couldn't bear their saying, 'What, another?' I had to do something to save face in their eyes. "In the months that followed I became inspired, and despite IMPORTANT JOB January 16, 1947 my usual h e a v y household duties, found time to produce two magazine articles which were published, and won a big prize in a radio contest. All the family was delighted. I was no longer a drudge to be pitied, but a career woman. And when the baby finally came, they let me have him without a complaint." This young mother saw things clearly. Her family and friends did not. She saw that a married woman's greatest task is home- building. Her friends, like so many modern people, looked down upon motherhood and gave careers outside home a phoney glamor they don't really have. Obviously, many women must and will find their lifework in careers outside the home. Of course, many women will suc- ceed in blending the task of home-building with other car- eers like writing, teaching, act- ing. But it still remains t r u e that f o r most women, aside f r o m members of religious orders dedicated to God's service, num- ber one career is and always should be home-making. I t is not so regarded today by many peo- 14 THE WOMAN IN THE HOME pie. And because it isn't, we have women confused about what they want to be and want to do. All too often, many years too late, you'll hear women, success- f u l in varied careers complain: " I wish I had married and had several children. I'd have been much happier than in career life." Now I'm not saying all wo- men must m a r r y and all women must have children. God's plans, and the working of n a t u r a l laws, not to speak of social influences by the the dozen, make m a r r i a g e and children j u s t "out" f o r many women. But I do emphat- ically say: We must acknowledge and teach others to acknowledge that home-making should be con- sidered woman's most important job. If you think it now enjoys such prestige among the wives of today and tomorrow, j u s t question young people about what they'd like to be. You'll be surprised a t the glamor they at- tach to careers outside t h e home and the drudgery they associate with home-making. Yet, by contrast, notice the article carried this month by Ladies' Home Journal. I t ' s call- ed "If I Were 21" and many dis- tinguished career people give their answers. Notice t h a t both Irene Dunne and Clare Luce, eminently successful career wo- men in stage, screen and poli- tical lives, both admit they'd build their whole lives around home and children. And Irene Dunne even says: "I'd m a r r y young and have several children. I'd aim h i g h ; mere security is too poor a bargain to strike with life." Why look back upon life to say such things? Why aren't they said today to young wives, mothers, girls planning mar- riage? Though women in their hearts know how t r u e it is t h a t home-making is first in impor- tance, they often are led astray by silly men and sillier women telling them j u s t the opposite. Do you notice the constant effort to make home-making seem like a narrowing influence upon a woman? So many people t r y to show today's women home-mak- ing is dull, obscure, unimpor- tant. When I hear such talk, I al- ways think of Gilbert K. Ches- terton's famous comment. In his What's Wrong with the World, he says: "To be Queen Eliza- beth within a definite area, de- ciding sales, banquets, labors, and holidays; to be Whiteley within a certain area, providing WOMAN'S MOST IMPORTANT JOB 15 toys, boots, sheets, cakes and books; to be Aristotle within a certain area, teaching morals, manners, theology and hygiene; I can understand how this might exhaust the mind, but I cannot imagine how it could narrow it. How can it be a large career to tell other people's children about the Rule of Three and a small career to tell one's own children about the universe? How can it be broad to be the same thing to everyone, and narrow to be everything to someone? No, a woman's function is laborious not because it is gigantic, not because it is minute." We don't hear enough of such talk today. There's an enduring quality to t r u t h that's exceed- ingly irritating to fidgety minds. Many of today's women should calmly sit down and use their God-given intuition to work out mentally a t r u e picture of wo- man's role in family and society. They wouldn't frighten them- selves and their youngsters so much about the awful burdens of family life. They wouldn't surround childbearing with so many bugaboos and supersti- tions. They would give mother- hood and home-making their proper evaluation. Difficult, yes, but eternally important. As the witty Father Leonard Feeney says: "I sometimes think mothers get more pity than they require. There is so much talk lately about how difficult it is to bear a child, and too little talk about how nice it is to have one. If babies were not worth the confinements and pains they cause, there would not have been a billion of them born in the past hundred years. Motherhood is never honored by excessive talk about the heroics of pregnancy." The family is the foundation of all larger social foundations. A nation can flourish only to the extent that it is composed of healthy, flourishing families. But the family can endure only if the woman spends herself wholeheartedly to create a real home. "Not in the branches of a tree but in its roots do force and power reside." Woman is at the very roots of social life. If wo- man looks down upon her great- est job, neglects her task in the family, nothing can take her place. The family breaks down and with it the whole society. Next week we'll discuss the powerful influence of a good Mother. I knew her well: she was my own. Until then, God be with you. THE INFLUENCE OF GOOD MOTHERS Address given on Will you forgive me f o r being personal today? I'd like to tell you about good mothers and their influence. And the best way I can is to talk about my own mother. I know there have been many other good mothers like her, maybe your own. And I'm sure there will still be many more like her in days to come, maybe among your children. I'm not talking about her because I think she was the only one of her kind. I'm telling her story to encourage other women to bring forth more of her kind. Good mothers could cure most of to- day's heartaches. Some people today would con- sider our family too large. My Dad and Mother didn't figure things that way. To them, God was the Boss of the Universe. They felt that if God knew just how to guide the suns and stars in the heavens, He also knew bow to guide families. For my Mother, all her children were so many g i f t s f r o m God. To her, they were souls clothed in an en- velope of flesh she had provided. They were souls with an eternal destiny which she must watch January 23, 1947 over and guide. They were souls who would influence other souls. God was generous in sending children to my mother. As the last of twelve, as the one who most richly shared her generous passing on of new life, I am glad to pay her tribute today. So often, when I tell an audience of teen-agers my mother had twelve children, they groan; then laugh with a sad note of mocking pity. They've been taught to look down upon such childbearing. Still, they always feel hushed and a bit silly, when I remind them: "Don't laugh too hard. I'm the twelfth and it's awfully nice to be alive." Wasn't it a wonderful world f o r children a few decades ago? In our crowded Chicago neigh- borhood, life was so exciting be- cause there were always lots of kids to play with. And don't we have to admit that it was a wonderful world even for those parents who didn't feel it too much of a burden to bring up what may seem to some of us now as rather large families. Years a f t e r my birth, Mother would tell us about her early THE INFLUENCE OF GOOD MOTHERS 17 trials and struggles. Only three of us were home then. The older ones had gone on to marriage and religious life. There were only two careers in our house. You either served God in relig- ious life as a priest or a n u n : or you served God in the noble vocation of marriage. Never did my Mother let us forget mar- riage was a noble vocation. We heard many a story about hus- bands and wives who became saints by raising good families. And as we listened, we kept thinking what a saint she was, to raise us. Well, her struggles were long and tough. Many a day she had only God to trust for the things her children needed so badly. So often when I hear moderns com- plain: " I t just isn't right to bring children into this world, unless you can properly care for them," I think of my Mother. I have never regretted a single sacrifice we had to make, a single need that was unsatisfied. But, what a tragic thing had she never let us be born. One of her frequent explana- tions about raising children was: "It's not really so tough. You don't really raise twelve at a time. Look at you youngest ones now. You're growing up in a family of five. God is good. He always fits the burden to the back and gives the grace we need." You can see why, years later, we children always figured there was no job in the priest- hood or religious life or mar- riage that was too tough. My mother had taught us well by example. She had good techni- que. Like the time I came home, announcing I would be a lawyer some day. "That's nice, law is a noble profession," she smiled. "But don't you think you'd like to be a priest like your brothers some day? A lawyer fights f o r human rights before a court of justice. But a priest fights for the good of human beings before God's own Court of Heaven." As a born teacher, my mother knew how to appeal to youthful idealism. And the appeal paid off in life- long results. Four of us became priests, one daughter became a nun, the others went on to Heaven or on to raise large families of their own. Three children died during childhood years, and so nine of us went on living out the ideals Mary Ellen, as we called her, had so well and so patiently taught us. I've often thought of the influence 18 THE WOMAN IN THE HOME women like her exert, long a f t e r they're dead. She's dead over fourteen years now: yet last month a college girl wrote me this sweet compliment f o r my Mother: "We'll be getting mar- ried in Spring. We've decided we'll do j u s t as Mary Ellen did in her marriage—let God be the Boss always." Mother is still influencing people. J u s t a f t e r I became a priest, back in 1937, I wrote a letter about my Mother. It was ad- dressed to her . memory and among other things said: "Thanks, Mom, f o r everything I am today. Thanks, f o r I'd never be a priest except f o r you. That long night years ago—the night of acute pain, the night you trod the precipice-edge of death t h a t I might live—for t h a t night, thanks. For t h a t vision of love- liness you presented when I first saw your proud smile (smiling at me, a f t e r the pain I caused you)—for t h a t moment, thanks. Not till a f e w years ago did I realize how much I did cost you. Now I know I was the last of many, t h a t things were tough then, but sacrifices were made by Dad, you, all the children, f o r t h e youngster God was sending. Because I know t h a t now, and you knew it even better then, and didn't flinch, didn't act sel- fish, but gave me the priceless g i f t of life—thanks. "There were quite a f e w hard days f o r you, as we grew up. We were laughing with carefree abandon, but you were skimping and budgeting. We were able to see shows, dance, play games, get fine schooling, because you stayed at home being a Mother. I t meant you gave up many a party, many a venture into the social whirl, many a good time. We enjoyed life, because you had shared life. Life was only an antechamber to Heaven in your eyes. We children to you were never unwanted but souls given to you by God. Thanks, Mother, f o r making good at your voca- tion." Next week, we'll discuss a woman's role as a teacher in her own home. Be listening, please, Until then, God be with you. THE GREATEST EDUCATOR I EVER K N E W Address given on You have probably guessed it already. The greatest educator I ever knew was my own Moth- er. Although she herself never got much beyond seventh grade, she was, like so many wives and mothers, a successful educator. Notice I'm not saying a great teacher. Good teachers are plentiful. Teachers are people who impart knowledge of facts, train others in acquiring mental and physical skills, or help others develop know-how meth- ods of various arts and sciences. But an educator, ah, that is something or someone else again. That's a teacher who goes be- yond teaching facts, skills, meth- ods, and teaches you how to live. An educator brings out all the moral, mental, physical powers you have within you. Well, my Mother was a great educator. Like most priests, I have studied under many teach- ers. When I was ordained a priest twelve years ago, I had spent most of my waking hours under teachers of all types. The average priest is ordained at twenty-five years of age. By that time he's been trained by January 30, 1947 grammar-school teachers, high- school instructors, college and seminary professors, maybe even a few post-graduate advisers. And of all the dazzling array of bright, mediocre, brilliant teach- ers I knew those first twenty- five years of my life, Mary Ellen, my Mother, was easily the most successful. Because she knew how to educate f o r keeps. First of all, she started out right. She surrounded us with a rich world of affectionate in- terest. We didn't get this treat- ment of: "You'll do what I say, because I'm the boss exercising authority." Oh, no, it was al- ways: "I'm counting on you to make good. God expects certain things f r o m you. Don't offend Him by failing. And don't hurt me, because I believe in you." She didn't ever use such words, but that was the kind of atmos- phere she created. We did things out of love as well as fear. Sure, we feared punishments that might fall, like the swift slap from my f a t h e r ' s huge hand. But we did things much more from love; you just couldn't h u r t Mother's feelings. There was 20 THE WOMAN IN THE HOME very little corporal punishment given out a t our home. But there were other methods even more effective. Like the time I was caught smoking without any permis- sion. I t h u r t badly enough t h a t Dad had seen me. The silence a t the evening meal was even worse. My feeling SICK and naus- eated f r o m the pipe tobacco was agony. But what broke me down was my Mother's simple query: "How could you lie to me like t h a t ? " The disappointment in her voice was like a whip across my back. The resolve I made not to disobey or lie like t h a t again came r i g h t f r o m my inmost soul. See, a good educator brings out f r o m within you the powers f o r good living God put there. All of us as adults admit we'll always do more f o r people who love us. Why do so many parents today f o r g e t t h a t ? Why will they f a i l in the precious early years to give children t h e i r whole-hearted interest and a f - fection, and then in teen-age trouble spots suddenly demand perfect obedience? Children to- day constantly complain: " P a r - ents are not interested in us and what we like and enjoy. They're interested only in forbidding us to do things." A good educator never merely forbids. By his affectionate interest he brings out of the child's own soul the realization t h a t certain thoughts, deeds, associations are not good f o r him. Take the matter of ideals. My ideas of womanhood, like almost any boy's, were all tied up with my Mother. All my life I'll keep a kindly attitude towards wom- en, because my Mother was kind to them. Over and over I saw her leap to the defense of women whom cruel gossip attempted to crucify. She made you think t h a t all women had possibilities of greatness. So often I've ap- plied to men like myself who had Mothers like her Alfred Tennyson's lines: "Happy he with such a Mother. F a i t h in womankind beats w i t h his blood." There was always a religious atmosphere in our home. I don't mean a stuffy kind t h a t poured gloom over our gay spirits. But I mean the happy kind t h a t made us understand God and ourselves. I guess everybody knows how important Sunday Mass is to Catholics. They are obliged un- der pain of serious sin to offer this great sacrifice to God each Sunday. They are t a u g h t t h a t is the way to fulfill their wor- THE GREATEST EDUCATOR I EVER KNEW 21 ship obligations to God. Well, my Mother never gave us a long pep talk about going to Mass faithfully. She did something much better. Each day, for more than twenty years, she walked five blocks to daily Mass and re- ceived daily Communion. It was the greatest sermon on the Mass I ever saw or heard. It wasn't so surprising that several of us children started the same prac- tice along about fifth grade. Mary Ellen had no trouble about our going to Sunday Mass. Her example had educated us to ap- preciate Mass. With the girls in our family, there were similar lessons by example. Mother never played the martyr role about how dif- ficult it was to have babies. She would admit that labor pains had been pretty tough, but then go on to talk about how won- derfully consoling children are. "Don't be afraid to t r u s t God all the way," she'd tell the girls. "He knows just how much your health can stand. He still must create a distinct soul for the body provided by parents in mar- riage. He will watch over the soul He sends. God and your husband and you are triple part- ners." As any teacher can tell you, the matter of allowing for in- dividual differences in pupils is vitally important. Women have a keen sense for treating each person as a particular person. So women often are better edu- cators than men : they bring out more effectively the personal g i f t s and talents of separate chil- dren. Mother did that with each one of us. Though we all had chances to study music, she soon turned one boy to vocal train- ing, another girl to dancing les- sons, instead of the piano train- ing I received. The knack of seeing what we were best equip- ped to do was one of her keen- est powers. As someone said about her later: "She was not a sculptor-mother, forming her children like statues according to a preconceived model in her mind. She was a gardener-moth- er, constantly cultivating each individual plant with personal care and attention." May the example of mothers like mine encourage today's mothers to be educators, to transmit the best traditions of civilization, culture, religion to tomorrow's parents. Next week we'll discuss : "Why Husbands Fail to Understand Wives." GETTING ALONC Address given on Today's broadcast is based up- on two family quarrels. I was called in as a priest to help set- tle the difficulties. The basis of both quarrels was a failure to understand that men and women are different. Actually, it was as simple as that. The solution emerged when both husbands and wives determined that get- ting along in marriage means being willing to cooperate. Sure, they knew that already, but it had to be reinforced in their consciousness as a rule to live by. Day by day I become more convinced that husbands need training in understanding why women act like females. Take the first of these two quarrels. Jane called me up, all excited, almost hysterical: "That ends it, Father. I'm getting a divorce. Jack struck me today, and hard, too. He's mean and moody, nev- er praises me for anything I do, always finds fault. When I spoke back sharply, he hit me. I won't stand that." I calmed down the storm; we got Jack to agree all three of us would talk it over that night. Now watch how easily a man 1 IN MARRIAGE February 6, 1947 misunderstands a woman for be- ing a woman. "Sure, I'm all wrong for striking her, Father," Jack admitted. "But she's too touchy, too sensitive. Just be- cause I don't rave about her meals, the house, the way she minds the babies—and I'll admit she's wonderful about all this— she gets mad. Then she says mean things about me and my family. I blew my top and hit her." So then I spent two hours showing Jack what he really knows but so early forgets, like so many other self-centered males. "Can't you see, Jack, that telling the boys at work about what a great wife she is means nothing, if you don't tell her. Raving to me about how you love her and regret hitting her means nothing, unless you take her in your arms and really assure her how sorry you are." And so it went. I felt as if I were teaching ABC's, but the whole quarrel arose from Jack's really neglecting to properly praise a good wife's wonderful work. Why are husbands so ut- terly forgetful of such a sim- ple fact in human relations? GETTING ALONG IN MARRIAGE 23 You'd think that Jack could see that his wife's saying mean things to him was a defense measure. She had no other means to fight his harsh bull- dozing ways except with sharp remarks. Jack could understand her if she hit back at him phys- ically: he seemed puzzled that she struck back with a mean tongue. Why can't men see men and women are different? It may seem that I'm being hard upon husbands today, but maybe it's necessary. Like many another marriage counsellor, I have been charged with being too hard upon the women. Per- haps some of my talks on this program have seemed too favor- able toward male superiority. Though many a husband won't hear all I say today, except when some wives repeat it, still I sup- pose the wives love to hear about male mistakes. It's a constantly recurring wonder to see husbands and wives fail to see how each pro- vokes the other. They'll argue endlessly about who's right or wrong and yet find no solution. It's not a question of who's logi- cally right or wrong but a ques- tion of "how can we cooperate." In the average conflict, both par- ties are justified in their de- mands. Logically each can prove nis own case. Men and women use different kinds of logic, and to each his own makes sense. For happiness, for people in love, who is right or wrong is not important. The attitude of be- ing willing to bear with each other's faults and work out a cooperative agreement—that is what is really important. There is no one perfect technique to solve domestic problems, be they economic or social or sexual problems. But the spirit of co- operation is the beginning of all solutions. You're probably wondering about the second family quarrel. Well, it was caused by jealousy. The kind Shakespeare wrote about in Othello. You remem- ber how Othello was so wrought up to jealous hate of his good and virtuous wife that he killed her and himself? You recall how even her good deeds were interpreted as food for Othello's jealousy? Well, something al- most as bad took place in this quarrel. This devoted couple with two children shared an apartment with another couple. Gradually, the husband misun- derstood his wife's flattery of their landlord. He was convinc- ed she was in love with the land 24 THE WOMAN IN THE HOME lord and accused her of infidel- ity. She was so deeply h u r t by these completely false charges t h a t she refused to be the least bit affectionate toward him. In his poisoned mind this f r i g i d i t y was final proof of her infidelity. Then the poison worked deeper. Each glance, word, action was circumstantial evidence proving his wife was u n f a i t h f u l to him. Yet since they had to remain, sharing the apartment with the landlord and his wife, life be- came almost unbearable. They came to see me and we talked it out f o r f o u r hours. Careful checking of all the facts proved the husband's suspicions utterly groundless. His wife was attentive to the landlord only to flatter him, to help keep their place as tenants. Her heart was broken when her hus- band had such vile suspicions about her. She couldn't bear being deeply affectionate with him while his mind was in t h a t state. To a woman t h a t makes sense: to him it seemed utter nonsense and proof of infidelity. So, again, we had to repeat ABC's and eventually work out a formula f o r cooperation. Such cases aren't unusual: any marriage counsellor deals with them daily. I t seems al- most unbelievable that adult hus- bands and wives can be so child- ish. Men, skilled in public re- lations, so clever about know- ing how to treat women in busi- ness, will utterly fail at home to see why wives act like women. They'll completely misinterpret a woman's desire f o r attention, flattery, tender consideration. They'll forget or ignore the kind word, the loving remembrance of an important date, the kindly and comforting caress—and then be amazed at the almost disas- trous results brought on by f o r - getting t h a t women are woman- ly. Women generally understand men better than men understand women. Yet women too will mis- judge. They'll worry over what he meant by some word or ac- tion, give it a dream meaning of their own the poor man never intended. Many a bitter quar- rel arises f r o m just such petty details. Often women accuse men of being inconsiderate, when really they are only exercising male prerogatives that make them re- f u s e to be dominated. More about this next week when we discuss: "What Your Husband Thinks of You." We hope you'll be listening. W H A T YOUR HUSBAND Address given on Last Sunday I spent an inter- esting day with fifteen married couples. It was quite an adven- ture. I picked up quite a bit of information about what hus- bands and wives really think of each other. The reason for my being with this group all day was I conducted a Cana Confer- ence. You remember Our Lord's first miracle at Cana in Galilee? Well, these informal, round-table, give and take sessions are named a f t e r that event. I thought you might be interested in facts I discovered in my preparatory reading and in the discussions about husbands. Prepare now to examine your conscience. Maybe you're guilty of only a few or maybe even of all of the mistakes I'll mention today. Husbands have quite de- finite and at times surprising ideas about what wives should be and do. Wives are sometimes so wrapped up in being good home managers and busy moth- ers that they muff their first task of being good wives. Maybe you're not guilty, but many wives disturb husbands by being too emotional. Two out of three husbands, in national REALLY THINKS OF YOU February 13, 1947 surveys, complain wives are hot- headed, irritable, too easily hurt, nervous or otherwise emotion- ally out of control. Maybe it's an aftermath of war; possibly it's the housing shortage with cramped living quarters forced upon couples; maybe it's the nerve-wracking job of making yesterday's budget pay the big bills of today—whatever the cause, husbands find too emo- tional wives hard to work with as partners. Don't click off the radio now. I'm just reporting some attitudes you might like to know about. I guess we've all heard com- plaints about nagging wives. But it surprised me to find husbands are much more bothered by "mis- sionary wives." I mean wives who are ruggedly determined to improve their husbands. So many husbands are sad and up- set because too many wives are knee-deep in projects to improve them. They like to be helped and inspired by wives, but they like to be allowed to live and be themselves too. May I suggest as a missionary priest, that wise wives do the improving gently and subtly, without making hus- 28 THE WOMAN IN THE HOME bands too aware of it. They lead their husbands into desired pat- terns of behavior through a clev- er use of praise. I t is only when husbands are made uncomfort- ably aware of reform attempts t h a t their hair bristles. Women a r e so used to dealing with children, they f o r g e t t h a t men very strongly resent being treated like children. Wives so often scold about details t h a t mean little to men. They cor- rect husbands about comparative trifles like ashes upon a carpet, towels hanging askew in a bath- room, in much the same way they correct youngsters. That h u r t s a man's vanity. Which thought leads us na- turally to housekeeping fanatics. Many wives, determined to show other women how neat and clean they are, drive their husbands to distraction—taking a long walk, or a long drink—because they are too f u s s y about house- keeping. Homes are not sup- posed to be neat as hospital wards. They are supposed to be r e s t f u l havens f o r families to enjoy in a relaxed mood. Wives ought to consider how livable their homes really are, not worry tod much about what women neighbors think. I t ' s really amazing how such f a n a t i c fussiness can upset domestic peace. One husband tossed a ques- tion at me this w a y : " F a t h e r , you talked about m a r r i a g e be- ing a union of soul as well as body. Doesn't t h a t imply t h a t a wife should t r y to share the mental interest of her husband? And shouldn't she keep herself intellectually keen so she can exchange ideas with her hus- b a n d ? " Well, t h a t led us into much talk about how wives can get in mental ruts. Even though many of them are well educated, they get so all they talk about boils down to food, clothes, babies, neighbors. Obviously, God intended wives to be con- cerned primarily with domestic a f f a i r s ; t h a t ' s their domain su- preme. But they don't need to stagnate mentally. With proper schedule planning, they can find time to sharpen up the dull edges in their minds and in their con- versations. Perhaps husbands will always think wives are extravagant in the way they handle money mat- t e r s in the home. F a r be it f r o m me to takes sides in this eternal argument. But I would suggest to wives a very good method of proving you are not extravagant. I'd suggest you follow t h r e e prac- WHAT YOUR HUSBAND REALLY THINKS OF YOU 27 tices. First—build up a cus- hion of savings of some sort so your little extravagances won't loom so large. Second—put your family on a budget. This will tend to curb his and your unes- sential spending. Third—have a financial conference with your husband at least once a month. These conferences will give you a chance to teach him the facts of living costs today and may convince him you're doing your best under trying burdens. These three practices—a cushion of savings, a budget, regular con- ferences—may change your hus- band's mind about the extrava- gance he suspects. Someone has said t h a t an ideal marriage binds two persons to- gether like an elastic band. That means that they must be flexible in their attitude about personal habits. Even people deeply in love say and do many things which annoy each other. Wives so often complain that men for- get to give compliments about their meals, appearance, home- making. All too often it's true. Yet husbands, much more than most wives realize, are h u r t that wives are not more interested in their husbands' work. A hus- band wants to be complimented about his triumphs, his decisions, his shrewdness in dealing with associates. When his wife does not show interest in his work, he begins to wonder if all the struggle is really worthwhile. Since Eve first invited Adam to eat the forbidden f r u i t , hus- bands have accused wives of talk- ing too much. We all know t h a t the gabbiness of wives often arises from the fact of being alone so much during the day, or at least being away from fel- low-adults. But even then, what husbands object to in this talka- tiveness is talking that distracts them from something they wish to do more than listen, or when the talk is an uninteresting monologue. Too many wives even make their talk monopologues. Sure, tell what happened all day to you and the children, but don't spend so much time on what the dressmaker, milkman, grocer had to say. Long ago, Joseph Conrad, the novelist, remarked that women have a very difficult life, since most of it is spent trying to please men. Be that as it may, if wives wish to have happy homes they should work hard to be understanding and adult com- panions to their husbands. Treat- ing them as important individ- uals pays rich dividends. UNION OF SOUl Address given on Most women enjoy weddings. Either as spectators or partici- pants, women find dozens of sights and sounds at weddings to win their interest. But I've often thought that the real thing that makes a wedding so impor- tant is invisible. The things you don't see are f a r more important than those your senses do see. You do see the gowns, you do hear the music and the words of the bride and groom, you do smell the flowers, you do see the ring, but you don't see the main thing. You don't see the self- surrender that makes the wed- ding a union of two human lives. That self-surrender is spiritual, invisible, but intensely real. That self-surrender is a pledge of un- ity. It promises a union of souls. That's why, at all Catholic weddings, the priest reads a pre- liminary instruction which re- minds the bride and groom of this union of souls. He begins with: "You are about to enter into a union which is most sacr- ed and most serious. It is most sacred, because established by God Himself; most serious, be- cause it will bind you together .S IN MARRIAGE February 20, 1947 for life in a relationship so close and so intimate, that it will pro- foundly influence your whole future. . . And so not knowing what is before you, you take each other f o r better or f o r worse, for richer or f o r poorer, in sickness and in health, until death . . . " "Truly, then these words are most serious. And because these words involve such solemn ob- ligations, it is most fitting that you rest the security of your wedded life upon the great prin- ciple of self-sacrifice. And so you begin your married life by the voluntary and complete sur- renter of your individual lives in the interest of that deeper and wider life which you are to have in common. Henceforth you belong entirely to each oth- er; you will be one in mind, one in heart, and one in affections." The priest concludes w i t h : "May, then, this love with which you join your hands and hearts today never fail, but grow deep- er and stronger as the years go on. And if t r u e love and the unselfish spirit of perfect sacri- fice guide your every action, you can expect the greatest measure UNION OF SOUL of earthly happiness that may be alloted to man in this vale of tears. It would be a wise practice f o r married partners to occa- sionally renew the vows they made in the sight of God on their wedding day. They would do well to kneel down together for prayer some evening and say aloud: "As a renewal of our vows, we take each other f o r lawful wife, for lawful husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, f o r better, f o r worse, f o r richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part." This remin- der of their soul-union would help them conquer the doubts, fears, discouragements t h a t tempt them to break up their homes. It's a tragic reality all over America that married couples put too much stress upon the physical union they fulfill in marriage and too little stress upon the soul-union, the spiri- tual union they owe each other. Man's nature has a strong ten- dency to make him overstress the physical side of marriage. Too easily he will subordinate what a woman so early puts for- ward as primary—the spiritual side of marriage. Women will tend to regard as repugnant, al- IN MARRIAGE 29 most animalistic, the intimate realities of the physical side of marriage. Both of them might easily forget, especially if they don't keep God in the picture, that proper spiritual attitudes always affect physical relation- ships. The best way to cure physical maladjustments that damage marriage harmony is to practice proper spiritual at- titudes. The principal attitude to ob- serve is one of cooperation with God's plans f o r married couples. God intended Marriage should really work as a way of life. With proper human obedience, God's plan does work out. No- tice that God planned Marriage for two fundamental purposes: First, to continue the existence of the human race. Second, to afford companionship for man and w o m a n , companionship which would bring mutual hap- piness, of an imperfect type on earth, and perfect and everlast- ing type hereafter in Heaven. To accomplish this double pur- pose, God made man and woman adaptable to each other, comple- mentary to each other in body and soul. The bodily adaptation is obviously well suited to bring about the physical union which perpetuates the human race. But there is spiritual adaptation 30 THE WOMAN equally well suited to accomplish soul-union and companionship. You notice this spiritual adap- tation even in the characteristic virtues and f a u l t s of men and women. A good husband's prin- cipal virtue will be consideration. This serves to help his wife over- come her main weakness, lone- liness. A good wife's principal virtue will be humility, her will- ingness to sacrifice herself to make her husband happy. This virtue will help him cure his greatest problem, discourage- ment. I don't mean t h a t consid- eration and humility are always the greatest of virtues; but f o r the soul-union of husband and wife, they are best suited to cure the principal failings t h a t couples succumb to, loneliness and discouragement. A husband almost daily needs consolation, encouragement- un- derstanding f r o m his wife. H e r willingness to listen, t o put him on a pedestal where he can be the big shot, the overseer of the home, her humility t h a t lets him realize he's the head of his own home—all this helps him cure his blue feelings t h a t he's fail- ing. Yet at the same time, it overcomes her loneliness, be- cause it makes h e r be needed and wanted as a companion. In his t u r n , the husband must IN THE HOME practice enough self-control to conquer his dejection, his grum- piness, come out of himself and t u r n to his wife. Actually, she will then prove to be the remedy of his ailments. If he will re- gard his hours a t home as the most important of his day, they will soon be the happiest of his day. They will more than make up f o r the harsh, grinding drudgery t h a t makes him rub shoulders with the tough - busi- ness world all day. His sacri- fice of self t h a t makes him con- siderate of his wife's desire f o r companionship will cure his dis- couragement. Instead of both of them be- ing buried in reading papers, digging into outside interests, what they need is interest in each other. He needs t h e feel- ing—at least I'm king in my own home—and she needs the feeling—I've got the greatest husband in the world f o r my companion in life. The secur- ity they thus bring each other is the priceless f r u i t of soul-union. But thus to fulfill this way of life, destined by God "to give the greatest measure of earthly happiness," both husbands and wives of today and tomorrow must regard Marriage as a No- ble Vocation. We'll discuss t h a t next week. MARRIAGE IS A CHALLENGING VOCATION Address given on February 27, 1947 There are three mighty words in that title you just heard. All three words, marriage, challeng- ing, vocation, need to be well understood. Marriage, first of all, means the stable permanent union of body and soul that a husband and wife pledge them- selves to fulfill in the sight of God and with the help of God. To all husbands and wives truly in love, it means "one man and one woman until death do us part." I'm not using the word mar- riage to describe these tempo- rary convenient alliances that masquerade as examples of matrimony. Such convenient de- signs for selfish living usually end in divorce and another sad attempt at temporary union. Never must we forget that Christ said about such conduct: "Whoever puts away his wife, except for immorality, and mar- ries another, commits adultery; and he who marries a woman who has been put away commits adultery" (Matthew 19:9). No, I'm talking today about marriage, a lifelong contract made with God's approval and binding force, a contract that for baptized persons frequently is also a great Sacrament. Such a marriage is challenging. There's the second word. Challenging needs to be restored to our romantic vocabulary. Maybe we'd better use it instead of romantic when we talk of marriage. The ordinary movie or stage or magazine version of marriage puts all the stress upon the stardust, unreal phases:, of this job of a husband and wife living together until death. Our movie-minded and magazine- educated youngsters and oldsters fail to see and appreciate the challenge in marriage. They fail to see the invitation to fight a heroic battle in the cause of God that marriage presents. Doesn't that have a lot to do with our scandalous rate of marriage fail- ure through divorce? Now comes the career that is a challenge. The career that is a vocation. That's the third word. Vocation must be restored to our minds as a meaningful word. The dictionary tells us a vo- cation is "any occupation for which one qualifies himself or to which one devotes one's time." God wants some men and women 32 THE WOMAN IN THE HOME devoting their time and effort to building families and homes just as truly as He wants others to be priests and religious work- ers to save souls. God wishes all men to achieve sanctity—which simply means getting to Heaven —through loving and serving Him, and our neighbor f o r His sake. Most men and women ac- complish t h a t best through mar- riage. The loving companionship and mutual self-sacrifice t h a t binds couples in marriage are oftentimes the strongest natural helps possible to win Heaven. We can see then why God in- tends most men and women to follow this challenging vocation of marriage. Yet, in today's world, which so madly worships success, is there any other vocation t h a t so easily tolerates failure? Only in mar- riage are we success-conscious Americans so willing to excuse medicore results. Never in busi- ness do we praise the mediocre: we have glory only f o r the cou- rageous conqueror of obstacles. Certainly not in sport do we ex- toll the mediocre. Americans are the most competitive athletes on earth. To the victor alone belong the spoils of adulation. In the world of entertainment we daily pay t r i b u t e to the tal- ented artists t h a t starved f o r long years, to win success. We're not interested in how tough it all was. Are they up t h e r e : did they climb t h a t ladder? Okay, sing t h e i r praises. But when it comes to mar- riage, the noblest, most challeng- ing, most important and most lasting vocation—ah, how lax we are in not only tolerating but actually glorifying the mediocre. What a debasing mockery our divorce courts make o'f the noble vocation of marriage. Excuses t h a t would not excuse people f o r being late f o r a business ap- pointment are accepted as rea- sons f o r breaking the bond of a lifelong contract. Would we tolerate such abject failure, if we t a u g h t and real- ized the challenge of this vo- cation? Men and women are called by God in m a r r i a g e to share in the very creative powers of God. They f o r m the bodies into which God, as their co-partner, pours immortal souls. We might even say God depends upon them to provide new life f o r new citizens of God's heaven- ly kingdom. Even more is asked of them. Their task is to sus- tain and preserve the bodily life of their children. And f o r the souls of their children—they are MARRIAGE IS A CHALLENGING VOCATION 33 called to direct, teach, sanctify these deathless spirits created in God's own image. How can we ever regard as mere avocation a career which fashions master- pieces f o r eternity? We Americans who glorify as heroes military leaders who lead men into victory qver forces of evil like Nazism—why don't we glorify as heroes the parents who lead children to eternal vic- tory over Satan's hordes? We so eagerly praise men and women who cooperate to produce great books, plays, works of art. Why don't we eagerly praise husbands and wives, who by ful- filling their vocation in mar- riage, help each other to win a crown of everlasting glory? For it's t r u e t h a t married partners are called to sanctify each other, bring each other to Heaven, through prayer, acts of loving service to each other, good ex- ample of high moral living. Let's say it all at once. Through the vocation of mar- riage, men and women are called to the task of bringing earthly and heavenly happiness into their own lives and into the lives of their children. What more noble work could engross your time and efforts? But do we train married partners, young people preparing for marriage, to see such nobility? If we did, we would declare a moratorium of one to five years upon all favorable divorce pub- licity. We'd cancel from our papers all glamorous write-ups about marriage failures — the sexy photographs, the lurid de- tailed accounts of illicit ro- mance, the maudlin sentiment that gushes in pardon over cowardly abandonment of a chal- lenging vocation—we'd cancel all this and start glamorizing good parents. We'd publicize f a i t h f u l wives and courageous husbands who fight to maintain America's most important bulwark, a good home. We'd give successful mar- riages the lavish praise they de- serve. And married partners would be stirred to new efforts to persevere. Pride alone would discourage failure. In this glorious vocation, hus- bands and wives are never alone. God provides the helps we all need to carry our burdens. "My grace is sufficient for you" is God's consoling word to all who work for Him. Marriage is a triple partnership. God, the third partner, never fails. Next week, "The Single Woman." Please listen. Until then, God be with you. MEDITATION FOR Address given ( Today we're going to talk about the single woman. We shall use the modern term "bach- elor girl" to describe these un- married women. Cynical people might think of this talk as a broadcast to cheer up spinsters or old maids. But cynics never value things properly. As some- one remarked recently: "Cynics know the price of everything and the value of nothing." The true value of the bachelor girl is too often ignored. Too easily do wiseacres make mean remarks about frustration, referring to unmarried women. They might do well to learn the full meaning of another word t h a t better de- scribes bachelor girls. The word is sublimation. I t fits women who find happiness through service. The word sublimation is used by psychologists to mean "the turning away of an obstructed impulse f r o m its primitive pur- pose into activities of a higher order." Many a bachelor girl has turned her natural desire for marriage into self-sacrifi- cing activities f o r the happiness of others. Such sublimation, often done for high spiritual BACHELOR GIRLS : March 6, 1947 motives, explains the life story of many a great canonized saint. Like Saint Zita, the model housekeeper I'll tell you about in a moment. And such sublimation also explains the heroic day-by- day office and home work of many a saintly bachelor- girl. Hundreds of priests and nuns in God's service owe their suc- cess to bachelor girls at home who worked and sacrificed f o r them. Many a gifted musician traces his story of cultivated skill back to a patient unmarried teacher. Whole families often come through emotional and moral crises only because bach- elor girls carry the burdens. Who but God can properly evaluate the inspiring power for good that lies in a teacher's in- fluence? Wise cracks may rise and fall about "schoolteacherish cranks," but God knows the lone- ly hours and back-breaking, leg- wearying, eye-straining labors that produce a well-trained mind and rounded character. The pupils so trained may soon for- get the spinster teacher, but Judgment Day will tell the whole story. How amazed many a mar- ried failure will be, to see the MEDITATION FOR BACHELOR GIRLS 35 too easily pitied spinsters pos- sessing the Kingdom of Heaven. They'll begin too' late to under- stand St. Paul's remark: "But I say to the unmarried, and to the widows: it is good f o r them if they so continue, even as I " (1 Corinthians 7:8). Obviously, St. Paul didn't think the worst evil women must fear is No Man. He would sharp- ly condemn some" of today's un- married women who verge upon moral chaos with their wild ideas of avoiding single life. Ideas like giving into sinful af- fairs, pickling themselves and their troubles in alcohol, grab- bing any man (even another girl's husband), deserting God for not sending them a husband. To many a feminine mind, the bleakness of a manless f u t u r e is worse than losing both the war and the peace. And then all these woeful prophecies by learned statistics, you know that one out of seven or eight or nine girls will be left spinsters, these prophecies have triple- alarmed normal fears of not getting mar- ried into terror proportions. Many unmarried women need new teaching about marriage. Either a woman believes life's first purpose is to give honor and glory to God, or she doesn't. If she does, she soon sees God can be well and loyally served in the single state. She soon decides better not to marry than slip from God through a bad mar- riage. She recalls that St. Paul also said: "For I would that you all were as I am myself; but each one has his own g i f t from God, one in this way, and an- other in t h a t " (1 Corinthians 7:7). So a thinking woman sees marriage is the vocation f o r the majority of Women, religious life is for a chosen few, but single life is also the Go'd-appointed vocation f o r many a woman. Granted that one out of nine women will remain unmarried. So what? They can still fulfill their basic task as women. They can still find earthly and heaven- ly happiness. You k n o w , t h e Catholic Church has quite an honor roll of bachelor girls. There are these famous heroines, just to name a f e w : Saints Agatha, Margaret, Thecla, Catherine of Alexandria, Ursula, Joan of Arc, Gertrude; and let's not forget Zita, definitely past f o r t y when she did her /hest work f o r God and m a n k i n c r ^ i t a was a house- maid who lived all her life with one family. They regarded her as a mere drudge, but when she 36 THE WOMAN IN THE HOME died in 1272, in her late forties, she left behind her a magnificent record of loving service. She had succeeded in converting both her master and mistress, as well as several fellow servants, f r o m seriously sinful lives. By sheer kindness and generous self- sacrifice, Zita had taught price- less lessons in Christ-like living to people all around her. I sup- pose t h a t many a time people had glanced at her and murmur- ed: "I wonder why she never got married." So often thought- less people make such remarks. Is it because they forget t h a t God has work f o r each of us to do which can be done best in the state of life God chooses? So I'd like to suggest to bachelor g i r l s : St. Zita is a good patron- ess to invoke and imitate. Too quickly and harshly do observers decide why bachelor girls are still unmarried. " I t ' s j u s t because they're too selfish," people say, "or else they're j u s t too f u s s y to put themselves out enough to win a man." Such' people should pause and consid- er. Is it selfish to remain a t home, watching over orphaned brothers and sisters? Isn't it Christian charity to care f o r in- valided relatives at home r a t h e r than put them away? How do any of us know b u t t h a t some bachelor girls have dedicated their virginity to God, living out like Zita a supernatural dedi- cation? I've often thought t h a t Heav- en shall have special rewards f o r the "Office W i f e " type of bachelor girl. You know, these efficient secretaries t h a t stand alongside of so many successful career men. So-called Big Boss- es couldn't function five minutes without these smoothly effective girls who give so much more in- terest and effort than their pay- check could ever reward. I'm not interested in malicious gos- sipy remarks about such girls. T h a t ' s possibly t r u e only of a tiny minority. So many of the others are working each day f o r God, family, happiness of others, as well as f o r a paycheck. More often than families remember, such girls need kindly consider- ation and appreciation. We all spend so much time talking about solving m a r r i a g e and chil- dren problems. Maybe we should spend more time on the subject I shall discuss next week: "The Life, The Work, The Problems of the Bachelor Girl." Maybe you'll not only listen, but get a few others to join you. Until then, God be with you. WHY SOME WOMEN DON'T MARRY 41 who sacrificed so generously to put her through school. The vicious circle completes itself. Daughter can't marry f o r years because she's going to college: daughter can't marry f o r many more years because she has com- pleted going to college. She ends up disgusted at being a spinster and almost wishes she never went to college. There's no need of such girls being spinsters. They and their parents could sensibly work the thing out before deciding upon long, costly schooling. If the girl really prefers marriage, why shouldn't her whole train- ing be directed toward t h a t sub- lime vocation and career? Parents have often complained to me: "But, Father, now she won't have to marry the first man who asks h e r : she can pick and choose." Such parents were not a t all disconcerted a t the possibility that daughter might not marry at all. They seemed totally unaware of the moral strain involved f o r such a girl t r y i n g to remain chaste in her social life, while conscious of marriage being f o r her a years- and-years away possibility. In fact, parents are often so anx- ious to' spare daughter the monotonous household drudgery they endured t h a t they feel cer- tain a college education will offer a means of escape. What they ignore in such thinking is t h a t it's normal f o r daughter to want to marry, not when the parents want it, but when she wants it, and in spite of possible drud- gery. Another set o'f personal rea- sons f o r not marrying is all tied up with excessive devotion to family and a misconception of duty toward parents. One sel- fish mother I know has five un- married daughters, all well over t h i r t y now. When their f a t h e r died years ago, the mother ral- lied her five girls around her to comfort and support her. All social life not regarded as strictly necessary f o r their edu- cation and maintenance was f o r - bidden by the mother. Any show of interest by the girls in social life was considered disloyalty to the f a t h e r ' s memory and punish- ed accordingly. Out of exces- sive deference to mother's grief and insistence, the girls con- formed f o r years and ended up disgruntled spinsters. Only in heaven will spinsters who" support other members of the family get their proper re- ward. But I often wish t h a t on earth they would get a f a i r 42 THE WOMAN IN THE HOME chance to choose m a r r i a g e or else a decent repayment of g r a t i - tude f o r t h e i r sacrifices. We all know cases like these—an only child who worked so hard sup- porting h e r mother and two maiden aunts t h a t she never had time f o r social life and possible marriage. Or single women who support an assortment of depen- dent relatives f o r v a r y i n g per- iods of time d u r i n g unemploy- ment, illness, or old age, and then find these duties prevented them f r o m seeking normal male companionship. If a single woman wants to assume such a burden willingly, f o r h e r own spiritual motives, well and good. But it's rank in- justice to demand t h a t a single daughter support h e r parents and relatives at the cost of sacri- ficing her own chances at m a r - riage. A family is responsible f o r t h e care of an aged p a r e n t o r a dependent; t h e family should cooperate to help the en- feebled o r helpless relative. But why should the burden fall upon j u s t one girl? If p a r e n t s and relatives would sit down and work out a share t h e burden plan, so all could assume some p a r t of supporting the needy members, then many a splendid single woman would be f r e e t o enter a happy marriage. Only God knows how much good is prevented f r o m being done f o r God's cause, because selfish rela- tives put all the support burdens upoin one o r two of the daugh- ters. And scarcely anywhere else in t h e life of families is masculine selfishness so obvious as it is in this. Next week we'll continue our discussion of personal reasons f o r some women not m a r r y i n g . Please be listening. Next week's talk will be t h e last in our cur- rent series. A new speaker will begin in April. Will you join u s next week? Until then, God be with you. HOW TO HELP BACHELOR GIRLS Address given on March 27, 1947 There are two kinds of help we can give to bachelor girls. We can help some of them to accom- plish their ambition to enter a good marriage. We can help the rest of them to properly adjust themselves to unmarried life. Today I'd like to remind our listeners how they can give the first type of help without any offense. As we explained last week, many single women are reluc- tant bachelor girls. Their per- sonal reasons f o r not marrying are all mixed up with the mis- takes of family members who unfairly interfered with these girls. One of the principal causes t h a t produce unwilling bachelor girls is false informa- tion. From early childhood, atti- tudes and ideals and impres- sions about marriage are form- ing in a girl's mind. If she is handed a series of lies masquer- ading as information, she may easily decide: "No marrying f o r me." Later, when she sees things correctly, it may be much too late to work out a good mar- riage. Take an example like this one. A bachelor girl wrote me tlie other day: "Father, I never married because I thought of myself as a one-man girl. I had been brought up to think a woman could love only once. Well, I lost the one man I loved, and so I gave up. I wish now I had been more sensible and mar- ried some one else." A f t e r I read t h a t letter, I thought; I wonder how much the selfishness of family members had to do with that faulty training? I t may have been quite convenient f o r the family to pass out that "you only love once" bunk. It helped keep that breadwinning girl at home. Even more common, even in our sophisticated day, is the mistake of passing out false sex information t h a t f r i g h t e n s some girls away f r o m marriage. Again, by the time they are a little smarter, it's too late to make the right marriage con- tacts. The physical facts about marriage, the social significance of bearing children, the duties and responsibilities of the mar- ried state—these can be present- ed as beautiful or ghastly. How 44 THE WOMAN IN THE HOME they a r e presented may help or h u r t m a r r i a g e choices f o r bach- elor girls. People can throw so much hush-hush awe and puri- tanical reticence around f a c t s of married life t h a t they only con- f u s e and bewilder t h e girls they pretend to instruct. And isn't it t r u e t h a t family members o f t e n do this, j u s t to prevent girls leaving home and taking with them the financial security the family has come to expect as a right? So t h e principal t h i n g I pro- pose t h a t we all do to help bach- elor girls (meaning unmarried but marriageable girls) is : Help them cultivate wholesome and accurate ideas and attitudes about married life. And t h e earlier in life we s t a r t the bet- t e r . Helping them cultivate right ideas will mean always giving them correct information about events t h a t could affect t h e i r lives. I'm convinced t h a t most families t h a t pass out false information do so with t h e hope of discouraging m a r r i a g e f o r t h e i r girls. The extremes t h a t such scheming leads to a r e sometimes f u n n y . The other day I actu- ally had to reassure a nineteen year old girl t h a t she had noth- ing to f e a r f r o m m a r r y i n g a short man. She was engaged to a man several inches shorter than herself. H e r family actu- ally had h e r f r i g h t e n e d into be- lieving t h a t if she married him, t h e i r children would be midgets. Of course, i t also happened t h a t t h i s girl was holding down a nice job t h a t brought in plenty of help to some lazy family mem- bers. And it's only a f e w months ago t h a t I spent several hours consoling a girl who thought she must call off h e r m a r r i a g e at the last minute. Her family had op- posed h e r m a r r y i n g and finally discovered something t h e y thought would stop her. Her husband to be had once been an infantile paralysis victim. Though he was completely cured, they were t r y i n g to scare h e r out of m a r r y i n g lest she raise several crippled children. If we could make family mem- bers, especially selfish parents, see t h a t accurate information about m a r r i a g e helps bachelor girls to accomplish good m a r - riages, we could easily cut down the number of unhappy spin- sters. B u t we won't make f a m i - lies see t h a t until they are gen- erous enough to let daughters make up their own minds about married life o r single life. HOW TO HELP : We don't need an elaborate set of rules on "How To Win A Husband." Most girls who really want to marry will marry, if only their families will t r y to help on their prospects instead of trying to ruin them. Of course we all know that many a promising suitor has been frightened off by a too eager family, but a wise bachelor girl usually knows how to beat that problem. What most bachelor girls hold against their families is the f a c t t h a t they threw blocks across their path to matrimony when they so easily could have helped by all sharing family burdens. If we honestly wish to help a bachelor girl's marriage chances, we must let her use time-honor- ed weapons f o r snaring a hus- band. Yet how many families stop a girl from throwing a little party, {to which she can easily invite some eligible males, mere- ly because they don't want to be bothered. How very convenient- ly some mothers develop a head- ache or a spell t h a t demands daughter's attention, just when mother thinks daughter may be having an interesting date with a potential husband. Then comes the matter of parents giving orders about dates and hours. You'd think A.CHELOR GIRLS 45 they were talking to teen-agers instead of efficient bachelor girls who often a r e the mainstay of both home and office. How can girls meet the right kind of men, unless they're f r e e to attend conventions, dances, meetings of social and professional groups, where men are plentiful? And why can't parents see that girls over twenty-one are not bound to obey parents as little children might, but rather to honor and respect parents? I suppose we can never cure mothers of worrying about daughters being out too late at night, but couldn't more understanding be given to older girls? And couldn't par- ents be more sincere? I mean stop pretending t h a t the late hour worries them, when they know it's the possible falling in love and getting married and leaving them alone t h a t worries? Today marks the close of my current series of talks. Next week you shall hear a new speak- er, one of the best known priests in America. He is Father Urban Nagle, of the Dominican Order. Father Nagle is an unusually fine radio speaker. Be sure to hear him on this program each week. And today may I publicly thank God f o r letting me talk to you these past few months. And thank you f o r listening. 133 STATIONS IN 36 STATES CARRYING "FAITH IN OUR T I M E " Alabama.. ..Anniston.. -WOOB Arkansas- Colorado Connecticut _. Delaware District of Columbia. Florida Georgia.. Idaho.. Indiana Iowa I Kansas Kentucky- Louisiana ~ Maine I i rm i ngham .... < ..dJ..WT N B Gnrl-«»n • •• •• _ WGAD J asper —u. _ _—1®. WWWB _ Montgomery ¡fj . # om, WJJJ Opelika 1 _ . . W J HO Selma „ i WHBB Sylacauga St.* WFEB Tuscaloosa K ;•."....., —.¿„..WTBC .Arkadeiphia ¡ S 3 w.KVRC Fort Smith ... KFPW Hot Springs... -rXS,:. , KWFC Magnolia KVMA Russel I vi I le KX RJ Stuttgart ..KWAK .. _ Denver - KF EL-FM .. .Hartford J . —. .,...,....WONS W i l m i n g t o n V V ' v y W I L M Wnshington WQI ...Fort Pierce-,-.- __ WIRA Gainesville — ••• •' •• ' WRUF Ocala f-,.s..WTMC _ St. Petersburg-Tampa WTSP -Albany...". ......WALB Columbus .... WSAC Eiberton t....WSGC La Grange j.li]J. ,' '' WbAG Rome I WRGA Thomaston.——. 1 /.¿¿¡iff iff. WSFT Valdosta t_.ii,..WGOV Waycross -—L— *"• WAYX _Pocatello j KEYY -Fort Wayne WKJG Richmond ... .V 2. WKBV _ Fort Dodge , KVFD Ottumwa I....Ii..„. KB IZ Mason City - , r KICM ..Garden City— ... - ' " ' . . KlUL. 1240 kc -Bowling Green ! | WLBJ 1340 kc Hqrlan I ^ _.. I ....WHLN 1230 kc Lexington-Versailles WVLK 590 kc Somerset • . ^ i j „..WSFC y J L . 1240 kc Paducah...—y fftV&gi amj:La....LU'-'... WKVB 800 kc —Alexandria ^ KVOB . 1490 kc Baton Rouge liiSBL 32.WAFB 1460 kc -Augusta , • ,,. ,,,„ .L...WFAU „.1340 kc Portland WMTW 1490 1490 kc 1490 kc 1350 kc 1240 kc 1170 kc 1400 kc 1490 kc 1340 kc 1230 kc 1240 kc 1400 kc 1340 kc 630 kc 1490 kc 1240 kc 950 kc 1410 kc 1450 kc 1260 kc 1400 kc 850 kc 1290 kc 1380 kc 1590 kc E-.1460 kc 1400 kc 11.-1240 kc 1470 kc 1220 kc 950 kc 1230 kc 1240 kc 1380 kc 1490 kc 1400 kc 1240 kc 1490 kc Massachusetts- Michigan -Lowell-Lawrence_ ..Alpena — Battle Creek Detroit... Iron Mountain.. —WLLH ...WATZ —.WBCK —CKLW . WIKB Minnesota Mississippi— Mlssouri.. Ironwood : WJMS Marquette ... L Ì ± E J ? S - WDMJ Petoskey ,.„,•., -..WMB'N Traverse City—_;.dì_L "•>•'•'• i?JÌL.WTCM -Moorhead ~ ;•• ..-.¡pft ;— KVOX -Clarksdale , " WROX Laurel WLAU Vicksburg WQBC West Point— H MB • . . , • WROB N e b r a s k a . . -Jefferson City.. Sedalia -Hastings—.1 -'rf Kearney... Lincoln . KWOS IKDRO . KHAS KGFW -KÖLN' kc 1400 kc 1450 kc I -.:..' 930 kc 800 kc '?Sa?iL..1230 kc 630 kc 1340 kc 1340 kc —1400 kc (ijiii-f!,!.--! 340 kc 1450 kc l i — 1 4 9 0 kc 1420 kc 1450 kc: 1240 kc lL—1490 kc 1230 kc 1340 kc .... 1400 kc 133 STATIONS IN 36 STATES CARRYING "FAITH IN OUR T I M E " New Vork_ Ohio- Oklahoma— -Oneonta , WDOS Rome-Utica WKAL Syracuse ... .WN DR North Carolina Durham...... _:_ WHRT Elizabeth City ___ WCNC Fayetteville.. _WFNC Morganton WMNC Newton .'.„_.__ .*.. _.WNINC Sal isbury i ..... WSTP Shelby ..——_- _WOHS -Lima ¿.'••¿•V'».* I - WI MA Marietta..1Ci„,.„,,.._;,..._r_ , ; WMOA Warren-Youngstown - WRR'N _Altus i^ZjlML KWBW Chickasha -JjL&ii. KWCO Duncan ^..Uw*^... .Jm._KRHD Elk City ... KASA Muskonee'-i f̂ .,.;, KMUS Seminole KSMI Woodward................—..:.̂ :__....—:_.... KSIW _Albany_ : ...KWIL (I ..Bradford —I W W B l.,...WESB Erie WLEU -Chester .... : ........ WQCD Conway. -....WLAT Newberry . WKDK Orangeburg . WRNO Rock Hill....,,..: ...... —. WRHI -Aberdeen . . ; KABR Huron. „• • ; -...¿¡I KIJV Mitchell ..„..¿..KMHK _Clarksville WJZM Cleveland WBAC Dyersburg .. ..v$.,..WDSG Maryville _„_. .....WGAP Memphis. WHBQ Murf reesboro WGNS Pulaski i..., WKSR .Amarillo ! — KVAI Bollinger. • ;••; -t.-iV* •••.•••• -.¡̂ ji, „ KRUN Fredericksburg KNAF Huntsville ,..,,... ; KSAM Laredo :..;,„: : ¿7 ,,:.;•,'•:/.,;„, KPAB Lufkln ... KRBA Marshall KMRT McAllen ¿kli:...- KRIO Oregon Pennsylvania— South Carolina- South Dakota- Tennessee Texas- Utah Vermont Virginia