Marriage : a vocation




NIHIL OBSTAT
John L. Reedy, G.S.C.

Censor Deputatus

IMPRIMATUR
|J( Most Rev. John F. Noll, D.D.

Archbishop-Bishop of Fort Wayne

October 1, 1953

All rights reserved. This pamphlet may not
be reproduced by any means in whole or

in part without permission of the publisher.

Copyright, 1953, AVE MARIA PRESS

NOTRE DAME, INDIANA



Marriage: A Vocation
An Aid to Marriage Preparation

By

John A. O’Brien Ph.D.

There is a widespread impression that

a vocation means a call to only the re-

ligious life. That indeed is a vocation, and
a sacred one, but it is not the only one.

Marriage, too, is a vocation, and a high

and holy one. There is also the vocation

to the single life: to serve God and souls
while living in the world.

Those called neither to the religious nor

the matrimonial life can feel sure that God
has called them to the holy Apostolate of
living in the world and winning souls, thus
extending Christ’s Kingdom in the hearts
and minds of men. Every human soul is
precious and dear to God and every life
can be one of high dedication to the

Master’s cause. Many single people in the
world wearing the garb of laymen and
women, are doing in a measure the work
of priests and nuns.

1



Such lay persons often have opportunities
of influencing people whom a religious
would never meet. They win many church-
less people for Christ and do a world of
good by their missionary zeal and by the
edifying example of their own devout lives.

The Religious Life

The vocation to the religious life is, of
course, the highest and the holiest of all.
Fortunate indeed are those individuals into

whose ears Christ whispers a summons to
leave all things and follow Him to be His
divinely chosen ambassadors to men. That
call comes as a gift of God; like all gifts,
it can be accepted or rejected without sin.

No one is bound to accept a gift.

The generous acceptance of the summons
leads to the Priesthood, Brotherhood or

Sisterhood, with the vows of chastity and

obedience, and quite frequently the vow
of poverty. The religious life is one of
sacrifice and self-denial. It has, however,

distinct compensations, chief of which is

the joy of being close to God, of sharing

intimately in His love and of being His

agents in bringing His saving truths and the

precious fruits of the Redemption to human
souls. God is not outdone in generosity
and they who make a great sacrifice will
reap a great reward.

2



The Popes Speak

Having pointed out the vocations to the

religious life and to the single life in the

world, we come now to the exposition of
marriage as a vocation, and a lofty and

sacred one. Too frequently marriage has
been treated as a purely secular enterprise,

stripped of its religious and divine charac-

ter. In an address to the superiors of

various religious orders and communities.

His Holiness, Pope Pius XII, requested

them in their work of recruiting vocations

to the religious life not to do so by belit-

tling the dignity or the holiness of the mar-

ried state. That state is ordained by God,
as the Holy Father pointed out, and we
must keep its divine character ever before
the minds of those who aspire to it.

In his Encyclical on Christian Marriage,

Pope Pius XI thus stresses the dignity of
the married state: “How great is the dig-
nity of chaste wedlock may be judged best
from this, that Christ Our Lord . . . not
only ordained it in a special manner as
the principle and foundation of domestic
society and therefore of all human inter-
course, but also raised it to the rank of a

true and great sacrament of the New Law,
restored it to the original purity of its di-

vine institution, and accordingly entrusted
all its discipline and care to His spouse,
the Church.”

3



“To take away from man/’ continues His
Holiness, “the natural and primeval right

of marriage laid down in the beginning by
God Himself in the words ‘Increase and
multiply/ is beyond the power of any hu-
man law. Therefore the sacred partner-
ship of true marriage is constituted both

by the will of God and the will of man.
From God comes the very institution of
marriage, the ends for which it was in-

stituted, the laws that govern it, the bless-

ings that flow from it; while man, through
generous surrender of his own person made
to another for the whole span of life, be-

comes, with the help and cooperation of
God, the author of each particular mar-

riage, with the duties and blessings annexed

thereto from divine institution.”

In accordance with the expressed mind
of the Supreme Pontiff we propose to set
forth the sacred and divine character of

the vocation of marriage so that all who
enter this holy state will understand the

high mission to which God has called them.
They will thus be prompted to enter this

state in a spirit of dedication, determined

faithfully to fulfill the duties of the family

life, upon which depend both the temporal
welfare of society and the eternal welfare

of immortal souls. We address our words
not only to youth looking forward to mar-

4



riage, but also to parents, teachers and all

concerned with the direction of youth.

The Vocation of Most People

It is the married state to which God
summons the overwhelming majority of
mankind: they are charged with a mission

of supreme importance—the conservation
of the human race.

For entrance into the Priesthood Christ

instituted the sacrament of Holy Orders.

For entrance into the family life He in-
stituted the Sacrament of Matrimony. That,

too, as Saint Paul tells us, is “a great

sacrament.” It elevates a man and woman
to a lofty dignity and makes them God’s
co-workers in the propagation of the race.

Love, courtship and marriage are so

often treated in a spirit of levity that it is

worthwhile to point out that they are part

of a divine plan. This is disclosed with

simple beauty in Genesis. Almighty God
has created man and given to him domin-
ion over all living things.

Not Good To Be Alone

Sovereign of Paradise that Adam was,
richer than any man in material wealth
and in the chaste beauty of nature’s virgin
landscape, there still remained, in spite of

it all, a void and emptiness that rested like

5



a sombre pall upon his lonely heart. Then
out of the heavens the voice of Almighty
God is heard: “It is not good for man to
be alone: let us make him a helpmate
like unto himself.”

When Adam gazes upon the face of
Eve, his eyes behold a new beauty and a
loveliness which nothing in all the vast
pagentry of nature can duplicate or rival.

The emptiness in his heart vanishes : in
its place he feels a new and a strange
emotion stirring within him. Life takes on
a new meaning, a fresh significance.

Moved by a divine impulse, he plights
his deathless troth to Eve. There under

the white canopy of the virginal sky, in

the morning of life, in the presence of the

priesthood of nature, Adam seals his vow
with the first kiss of love. With prophetic
vision into the unwritten future Adam,
inspired by God, proclaims the law for all

his progeny: “Wherefore a man shall leave
father and mother, and shall cleave to
his wife, and they shall be two in one
flesh.”

God’s Plan

It is the great mystery of human love
which makes two hearts beat as one. It is

a sacred flame; for it is kindled by a

spark from the eternal and uncreated love

of God. God created a helpmate to be a

6



companion for man, a promoter of his

happiness and a protector of his virtue.

Fashioned by the Almighty hand as the

complement to man’s incomplete nature,

woman has been endowed by God with
that divine forgetfulness of self that finds its

happiness in ministering to the happiness

of man. She increases the joy of victory

and softens the sting of defeat. In short,

the chief happiness on this earth is found

in the bosom of the Christian home.

Some twent\^-five years ago, a young
man, whom I was instructing in the Catho-
lic Faith, said to me: “Father, when the
clock in our office registered five, I was

always at my wit’s end to devise ways of
passing the evening. I was restless at the
club-rooms, tired of the movies, bored at

the taverns. Then the prospect of return-
ing to a lonely empty room, night after
night, became a nightmare. After I married
and God blessed us with a child, I could
scarcely wait for the clock to strike five,

so anxious was I to get to my wife and
child.

“I learned the hard way,” he continued,

“that man can’t find happiness . . . alone.
It’s contrary to nature, contrary to God’s

plan. Now that I’ve achieved the great
joys of conjugal love and fatherhood, I
can truthfully say that I am just beginning
to live.”

7



An Echo

As I listened to him, I thought I could
hear an echo of the words of Almighty
God: “It is not good for man to be alone.”

In creating man, male and female, Gk>d
instituted marriage to the dignity of a

Sacrament, making it specifically the Sacra-
ment of the laity who administer it to each
other, independently of the priesthood; for

it is the conjugal consent of two spouses
which alone renders their union an image
of the union of Christ and His Church.

Thus it is that the general priesthood,
conferred in baptism, finds in marriage its

loftiest and noblest expression. “The ma-
trimonial domain,” points out Karl Adam,
“is the only one within the Body of Christ
in which sacramental grace is poured forth
from the fullness of grace of Christ’s

humanity directly upon the members with-
out priestly mediation.” Hence, marriage

and priesthood complement each other.

Start In School

Since the majority of our youth do not

go to college we must prepare them for
the sacred vocation of marriage while they

are in high school. That training must of
course be amplified and intensified for those

who go to college. Such courses, carefully
integrated with their other studies and

8



with the Church’s liturgical and sacramental

life, should begin in the freshman year in

high school and extend through the senior

year.

The new interests which adolescence
awakens in youth can be correlated with the

gradual unfolding of God’s plan for the

use of the divine endowment of sex to
people earth with good citizens and heaven

with saints. In this way the curiosity and
the questioning which puberty inevitably
occasions can be intelligently answered in-

stead of being bypassed or detoured with

evasive replies. The dignity and the sanc-
tity of the sexual endowment stand out
luminously when the divine plan for its
use in the framework of the family is set

forth with simplicity and reverence.

Co-Partners With God

Coming from the pure lips of a Religious,
such an explanation will enable the young
to see God’s plan for consecrating husband
and wife in the great Sacrament of Matri-
mony as His fully accredited ambassadors
in the conservation of the race. Thus are
they made co-partners of the Most Blessed
Trinity in the sublime task of bringing

into existence a human being dowered with
an immortal soul.

How edifying and inspiring is the re-

y



flection that God, infinite, omniscient and

omnipotent, operates only through the con-

secrated agency of human parents, into

whose blended flesh and blood He breathes
an immortal soul, constituting it a distinct

personality precious beyond all price. Such

an explanation will fill them with rever-

ence for their bodies as temples of the

Holy Ghost; it will vaccinate their young

minds against both prurience which stems

from legitimate curiosity, unsatisfied, and

obscenity which stems from a distortion of

the truth—^the tearing of sex from its
framework in the family life.

Worthy of Note

Two things here are worthy of note. First,
the act of human procreation implies not

only the cooperation of God, as does every

human act, but His direct creative coopera-

tion. Second, as a result of His direct and

immediate participation, God is nowhere

more intimately present than in the act of

married love. In that sacred relationship

God’s presence interpenetrates their very

being as water interpenetrates the pores of

an immersed sponge.

“Nowhere else,” points out Father Mersch,

S.J., the learned theologian of Louvain, “is

His activity so immediate.” We are speak-
ing only of His presence and activity in the

10



natural order and are prescinding, of

course, from His presence in the taber-

nacle of our altars and in the heart of

the person who receives Holy Communion.

A Great Sacrament

By its very nature love is a sacred thing,
an element of natural religion; and it is

peculiarly fitting that in revealed religion

the consummation of love in marriage should

be elevated by Christ to the dignity of a

Sacrament. That is why St. Paul calls it
a “great sacrament.” It places upon the
shoulders of its recipients a mantle of

holiness, indicating henceforth their part-

nership with God. Well has it been said:

A partnership with God is motherhood.
What strength^ what purity, what self-

control,

What love, what wisdom, should be-
long to her

Who helps God fashion an immortal
soul.

In a lecture at Bucknell University dur-

ing the annual Religion in Life Week, we
had just completed the exposition of mar-
riage as a sacred vocation. The hall was
packed with students, young men and

11



women of every faith, eager to get a cor-
rect insight into the deeper nature of that

union to which most all of them were
looking with high hopes and anxious hearts.

A Question

“Dr. O’Brien/’ said a young man, “I

have followed with great interest your

presentation of the dignity, beauty and

holiness of marriage and of the conjugal

relationship. But there’s one thing I have

some difficulty in understanding.”

Then he hesitated as if he were some-
what embarrassed in disclosing it.

“What is that, my young friend? Any
question asked with reverence is in order,”

I assured him, “so have no hesitance in
stating your difficulty.”

“Well,” he said, “if we call the same
physical act when performed before mar-
riage a heinous sin, how does the mere
wedding ceremony suddenly convert it into

a beautiful and noble action?”

The Answer

“Because marriage,” we replied, “raises
two single and separate individuals into a

new status and dignity, makes them hus-
band and wife and thus confers upon them
the right to engage in a relationship of

12



love which engenders offspring. Outside

marriage, the relationship is meaningless,

harmful and destructive of moral character:

within marriage, it is the fulfillment of

God’s plan for the procreation of the race.

It has meaning, purpose, dignity, joy and

holiness. In other words, matrimony has

changed it from a sinful and socially des-

tructive relationship to a divine relation-

ship, planned by God Himself and essential
for the conservation of the race.”

“Thanks,” said the young student, “that

throws a new light on it for me ... it
shows me how matrimony changes the
moral and spiritual significance of the act,
even though physically it remains the

same.”

Regrettable Condescension

Sometimes young people, who have been
taught to keep their purity unblemished

and who have tried earnestly to do so,
tend almost unconsciously to look with mis-

givings and even with aversion upon the
conjugal act which marriage entails. Even
after marriage they think of it as some-

what degrading—a necessary but regrettable
condescension to the animal side of their

nature. Such a misconception poisons the
spring of conjugal love and, if the at-

titude is persisted in, the stability of the

13



marriage, to say nothing of its joy and

rapture, is threatened.

“Father,” a young man wrote us re-
cently, “my bride of a month is a graduate
of a Sisters’ Academy. There she got the

idea that the act of union with a man is
debasing. She shudders at the suggestion

of it as something essentially immoral. Her
attitude is wrecking our marriage . . . and

if she keeps this up ... it will be on the
rocks before long.”

The Remedy

Here again the remedy lies in making

clear the profound difference in status,

rights, privileges and duties which the

Sacrament of Matrimony creates. Young
persons must recognize that after marriage

they belong to one another. In that most

intimate union they must be one in mind,

heart, body and soul.

In His infinite wisdom God has devised
this union as the means not only of pro-
ducing offspring but also of deepening

their love and their sense of identifica-

tion with each other. The pleasures and
joys of the conjugal relationship are God’s

rewards for the faithful fulfillment of the

duties of marriage and the bearing of its

many burdens.

Such then is the conception of marriage

14



which must be gotten into the minds of

young people as soon as possible. This

great germinal truth will unfold, as their

minds develop, and will enable them to
assimilate all the further items of informa-

tion which will help them to prepare for
Christian family living.

Important Items

What are some of these items? Briefly
these: The contents of the Encyclical on
Christian Marriage should be presented in

simple language and discussed with care
and thoroughness. There should be a dis-

cussion of such practical matters as family

budgeting, relationships with in-laws, har-

mony and cooperation among all the mem-
bers of a family, the necessity of excluding

the angry word and discussing all differ-
ences of opinion in a spirit of understanding

and good will, the factors which make for
disruption and strife, family prayers, especi-
ally the family rosary, and the enthronement
of the Sacred Heart in every home and the
practice of receiving Holy Communion each
Sunday as a family unit.

The meaning and purpose of courtship
must be explained. It is designed by God
and nature to enable young people to find
congenial mates. Social mingling of young
people under wholesome auspices should be

15



promoted and encouraged; it aids them in
acting naturally and in appraising members
of the other sex in a less romantic but

more realistic manner. Pathetic indeed is
the lot of the teen-ager whose parents and
teachers ignore this divinely implanted

hunger and never lift a finger to assist a
youngster to meet congenial members of
the opposite sex.

Psychic Scars

Believe it or not, we have met graduates
from Catholic colleges, both men and wo-
men, who never had a single “date” and
who in conscience felt at a loss as to how
to be at ease and talk naturally with those of

the other gender. They were immensely
handicapped and had developed shy com-
plexes which stood out as the psychic scars

of an emotionally starved adolescence. We
could not but wonder if their parents and
teachers had entirely forgotten the time
when they too were young and reached
out hungrily for a touch of sympathy,
understanding and love.

The qualities to look for in a mate
should be indicated. Here the importance
of common religious faith should be stress-
ed; we should set forth the Church’s ideal
of a Catholic home where parents teach
their children not only by precept but also

16



by example. The Church’s legislation re-
quires her members to find their life

partners among those of their own Faith
because she knows from long and bitter

experience that mixed marriages not in-

frequently lead to indifference, loss of Faith

and the neglect of the religious education

of the children.

Promote Friendship

Furthermore the number of marriage
failures is much greater in the case of
mixed marriages. We should not be con-
tent, however, merely to discourage mixed

marriages, but we — teachers, parents,
pastors and people — should do everything
within our power to promote wholesome
acquaintance and friendship, which lead
to marriage.

Here we have been notoriously weak.
Our young people rightly complain that
while they often hear warnings against

mixed marriages, they seldom see anything

done to assist them in achieving the
Church’s ideal of a Catholic marriage. Such
has been the burden of letters which have

come to us from all parts of the country
over the last forty years. We should like
to place their appeal before their teachers

and all the others charged with their

guidance in order that constructive meas-

17



ures may be taken to remedy a truly de-
plorable situation.

Blind Spot

The blind spot from which our vision
suffers is costing us dearly in headaches^

heartaches and in the mounting tide of
mixed and bad marriages. Since 92.7%
of men and 93.5% of women marry, it
follows that if our young people are not
enabled to make reasonably abundant social
acquaintanceships among their own, they
will marry others. Indeed, approximately
one-third of all marriages involving Catho-

lics are mixed marriages; and of these 40%
are invalid. Such is the finding of Father

J. L. Thomas, S.J. who conducted a care-
ful survey of 100,000 families in the East

and Midwest.

There are two additional considerations

which should prompt us to vigorous action.

The first is this: Recent investigations as
to where married people first met their
partners show that the school outranks all
other places. • Thus in a study of 9,081
marriages. Dr. Paul Popenoe found that

more partners met by going to school than
by any other way. Introduction by friends

in the ordinary course of social life was

second in importance, while meetings in

the course of business ranked third. “The

18



results,” concludes Dr. Popenoe, “show

that for educated people, the educational

system is now the principal matrimonial
agency.”

Where Couples Meet

The results of his investigation are sum-
marized in the following table:

Place of First Meeting of Educated

Married Couples

PLACE NO. PER

GENT
Educational System 2297 25.3

Homes of Friends 1656 18.2
Business Contact 1143 12.9

Church and Church Social
Organizations 927 10.2

Propinquity 867 9.5

Private Recreation 747 8.2

Travel, Vacation, Resort 638 7.0

Commercial Recreation 345 3.7
Miscellaneous 251 2.7

Pick-Ups 210 2.3

9081 100.0

The Study Shows

The study shows likewise that marriages
between schoolmates were far happier and

more successful than the general average.
This was further corroborated by an in-

vestigation conducted by R. S. Hall and
published under the title. Marriages Made

19



In College, This study shows that only
one marriage in every 75 contracted by

young men and women attending the
same college ended in divorce.
The second consideration which should

prompt us to special effort to promote
acquaintance among Catholic young people
is this : Most of the teachers in our
Catholic secondary schools are religious,

vowed to celibacy. It is only natural that
we tend to reflect in our teaching the kind
of training which we ourselves received.
While excellent for those intending to

enter the religious life, such training must

obviously be considerably modified to render

it suitable, practical and helpful for those
planning on the family life.

The importance, beauty and holiness of
the vocation of fatherhood and mother-

hood must be stressed and specific instruc-

tion must be provided to enable them to
make their marriages happy and successful.
Though frequently ignored or passed over
with a few glittering generalities, this sub-

ject is more important than Latin, algebra,

or geometry and ranks alongside religion

itself. It should not be discussed in a

vacuum but — at least in the upper years
— against the background of the actual
experiences of young people mingling in

a friendly manner with those of the op-
posite sex.

20



A Mother Speaks

Here we would like to quote from a
letter recently received from a Catholic

mother who states the case with admirable
clearness and logic. “The problem of find-
ing a Catholic mate/’ she writes, “which

you discussed in a recent magazine article,

is a problem to which many of us have
given much thought. I myself am married
to a non-Catholic and often wish it were

otherwise. But for the unmarried women
it is not too late for them to locate a
Catholic mate.

“I believe a lot of this goes back to our

Catholic high schools. This is where the
problem begins for we all know that the
habits formed in our early years carry

through into later life. From my own
experience, and I only graduated from

high school in 1938, I know that such is
the case. While we were in high school
we were forbidden to date — not in so
many words, but any couple caught ‘going
together’ were expelled from school. And
there were no joint social activities. As a
result we turned to the non-Catholics. We
attended the dances, games and parties at
the public school instead.

“It is significant to note that out of a

class of 28, 14 boys and 14 girls, the record
stands as follows:

21



GIRLS

Nun 1
Unmarried - 1
Married Catholics 2

Married Non-Catholics 10

BOYS

Unmarried 4

Married Catholics 3

Married Non-Catholics 7

“Seventeen mixed marriages and only
five Catholic marriages! That isn’t a very
good record for a class from a Catholic

school, is it? I am glad to note, however,
that at the present time, this same school
has weekly dances for the high school

students and other activities to encourage

them to mix with Catholics. This is the
first step to promote Catholic marriages.

Now I think it is time that another step
be taken to keep them close to the Church
after graduation. Why can’t something
be done for them?”

Achieve The Ideal

That mother is right. We should leave
no stone unturned until we have provided
youth with such abundant opportunities for

social acquaintance that every young man
and woman, who wishes to marry is able
to find a congenial Catholic partner. Any-
thing short of that ideal should fill us with

divine discontent.

22



In short, preparation for the vocation

of marriage and for the work of strengthen-

ing, stabilizing and spiritualizing Catholic

family life must begin in our schools. The
lessons which our pupils learn in the schools

will be carried back into their homes and

will exercise a wholesome influence there.

Moreover, such pupils will have before

them the ideal to which they will aspire
as well as a knowledge of practical details

which will enable them to make the homes,
which they will establish, houses of God
and gateways to Heaven.

They will be homes founded on the un-
shakable rock of Christ’s teachings, homes
of which we can truthfully say: “And the
rain fell and the floods came, and the
winds blew; and they beat upon that house,
and it fell not; for it was founded on a
rock.” That home will stand like the Rock
of Gibraltar because we will have prepared
its makers for the holy vocation to which
they are summoned in the words inspired
by God Himself: “Wherefore a man shall
leave father and mother, and shall cleave to
his wife, and they shall be two in one flesh.”
The more closely they are united in mind,
heart, body and soul, the greater will be
the stability of their marriage and the
greater, too, will be their love and happi-
ness.

23



Other Pamphlets by Father O’Brien

MARRIAGE

Achieving Happiness in Marriage 10c

Choosing a Partner for Marriage 10c

Falling in Love with Open Eyes 10c

Making Marriage Stick 10c

Preparing for Marriage 10c

Strategy in Courtship 10c

Speaking of Marriage 10c

CONVERTS

Finding Christ 10c

Finding Christ’s Church 25c

Fishers of Men 10c
How You Can Convince

Truth Seekers 10c

DEVOTIONAL

Getting the Most Out of the Bible 10c

Getting the Most Out of the Rosary 25c

The Way of the Cross 10c

THE SCHOOL QUESTION

Why the Catholic School? 10c
Why Not Equal Rights for

All Children? 10c



Rev. John A. O'Brien, the noted author of a best-

selling series of pamphlets on courtship and marriage,

writes on the matter of CATHOLIC SOCIABILITY
for our youth:

SPEIKIK OF

lUKRIWE
By John A. O’Brien

A series of 10 letters written by
young Catholic men and
women on the matter of
Catholic acquaintance.

Shows the urgent need that exists

in our parishes, high schools,

colleges and universities,

as well as our homes, for a

concerted effort to provide

more social contact for our youth

who will some day enter into
the holy state of matrimony.

32 pages 10c

AT YOUR PARISH PAMPHLET RACK

OR CATHOLIC BOOKSTORE

AVE MARIA PRESS, Notre Dame, Indiana



PARENTHOOD

.

# •

The Spiritual Motherhood of the woman is
a topic very dear to the heart of our Holy Father

Pope Pius XII. Spiritual motherhood — Catholic
parents everywhere should consider well the depth

of meaning hidden beneath this title ....

Husbands, Children, the World— these are
all within the true sphere of influence of the mother.

Here is her task and her true victory ....

Read It's a Woman's World; three excellent trea-
tises by Catholic mothers on — The Wife and Her
Husband, The Mother and Her Children, The
Woman and the World ....

At Your Parish Pamphlet Rack or Catholic Bookstore

AVE MARIA PRESS, Notre Dame, Indiana

IT’S A
WOMAN’S WORLD

by

Withey-Nutting-Mullally

10 ^