Strategy in courtship / by John A. O'Brien


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REV. JOHN A. O'BRIEN



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Strategy in Courtship

By

John A. O’Brien, Ph.D.

University of Notre Dame

Ave Maria Press

NOTRE DAME, INDIANA



NIHIL OBSTAT—Charles E. Sheedy, C.S.C.
Censor Deputatus

IMPRIMATUR — ^ Most Rev. John F. Noll, D.D.
Bishop of Fort Wayne

Twelfth Printing, May, 1963

All rights reserved. This pamphlet may not
be reproduced by any means in whole or

in part without permission of the publisher.



Strategy in Courtship

rpiHE cruciail period in the life of young
people is when they are in love. It is a

time of Sturm und drang—of stress and
strain—^when newly-kindled emotions are
frequently at swords’ points with reason.

Youth is handicapped by his inexperience, his

low horizon and his inability to envisage the

later years when the emotions have cooled
and life is a prosaic, matter-of-fact affair.

Desperately does he stand in need of sym-

pathetic understanding and guidance so that

something of the far horizons will drift in

to lessen his myopia and give him a better
perspective for the wise selection of a help-

mate for life and the preservation of his
youthful innocence.

In his Encyclical on Christian Marriage,
Pope Pius XI points out the necessity of giv-
ing to youth the guidance so sorely needed

to make a wise choice of a marriage partner
and to achieve lasting happiness in the home.
“That they may not deplore,” points out His
Holiness, “for the rest of their lives the sor-

rows arising from an indiscreet marriage,
those about to enter wedlock should care-
fully deliberate in choosing the person with

whom henceforward they must live contin-
ually. Let them diligently pray for divine
help, so that they make their choice in ac-
cordance with Christian prudence, not in-

3



deed led by the blind and unrestrained im-

pulse of lust, nor by any desire of riches or

other base influences, but by a true and

noble love and by a sincere affection for the

future partner; and then let them strive in

their married life for those ends for which

the state was constituted by God. Lastly, let

them not omit to ask the prudent advice of

their parents with regard to the partner, and

let them regard this advice in no light
manner.”

To provide youth with that guidance we
present the counsel, the teachings, the pre-

cepts, the ideals, the practical suggestions of

the Church on the all-important subjects of
courtship and chastity. While the treatment
is of especial interest to those who are keep-
ing company, it will not be without interest

and profit, we believe, to all who wish to
keep their innocence unsullied.

The decision of supreme importance in
the life of a young man or of a young woman
is the choice of a helpmate for life. The con-
sequences of that choice are momentous and
far-reaching. They shoot through the whole
of one’s earthly life. They penetrate even
into the far regions of eternity. Upon that
selection hinge to a large extent the hopes

of a person’s happiness both here and here-
after. Since that decision is fraught with

consequences of such a far-reaching charac-

ter, it follows that it should be made with

4



the greatest care, prudence and wisdom of

which one is capable.

Company keeping and courtship have
their justification in so far as they assist

young people in making a wise choice. They
have no other reason for existence. Indeed

it can be said that the whole social mingling

of the sexes during adolescence has as its

chief end their preparation and development

so that they may choose a congenial partner
in marriage.

Extensive Friendship

For that reason acquaintance and friend-
ship between the sexes should be fairly ex-

tensive. Dances, dramatics and socials of vair-
ious kinds are all designed to promote such
acquaintance. Out of an abundance of such
social contacts one is more likely to discover
a suitable and ideal helpmate than if the
contacts were narrowly restricted. Hence it
is important for young people to avail them-

5



selves of the many opportunities which the
Church and society provide for the promo-
tion of acquaintance among wholesome and
congenial persons of the opposite sex. The
failure to do so often deprives them of
friendships which would mean much for
their futiure happiness. Instead of deterring

them from forming such friendships, parents
should assist them in every prudent way.

The whole period before courtship should
be wisely employed for the widening of one’s

circle of acquaintances and friends. Since

courtship limits one’s interest to a single per-

son, it should not be undertaken when one is
not in a position seriously to consider mar-

riage. This means that steady company
keeping is out-of-place for youths of high

school age. Even among those in college it is
generally wiser to wait until their junior or

senior year before they restrict their interest

to a single person.

How often have we seen a college fresh-
man, smitten with “love at first sight,” limit
her dates to a single boy, wear his fraternity
pin for several years, only to have the ro-

mance fade in the senior year, leaving her
high and dry? The years of one’s college life
provide a wide circle of friends. Out of
these friendships there is more likelihood
that one based upon congeniality in taste,
temperament and character will emerge and
ripen into conjugal love.

6



In short, we say to young people looking
wonderingly and wistfully at the horizon of

marriage: Don’t pull down the curtains pre-
maturely upon the enterprise of making

friends. Don’t get panicky. Keep your head.
Take your time and look around you. Meet

many young people of good reputation and
character. Mingle and talk with them in a
friendly and gracious way. Explore their in-

terests and learn something of their disposi-

tion and character. Then you will be in a
better position to choose intelligently.

Remember that marriage lasts for life. It
you choose with haste, you are likely to re-

gret at leisure all the rest of your life. A
marriage rushed into heedlessly often turns

out to be a prison cell with iron bars no one

can break. While love involves the heart and
the emotions, the approval of the reason is

most important. For sober common sense no
adequate substitute has ever been discovered.

Steady Company

Keeping steady company has a function to
fulfill. That function is legitimate and im-
portant. It is to enable a young couple to
learn more about the qualities of mind and
heart and character of each other, to explore
the areas of congeniality in taste, culture,

disposition, and character, to ascertain their
fitness as partners in the most intimate and

7



enduring union which life offers. That is no
small job. Indeed it is the most serious and

important one they will ever be called upon

to undertake.

Before undertaking steady courtship, how-

ever, they should be in a position where they

can definitely plan to marry within a reason-

able length of time. What would be the point
of keeping steady company when the young
man—say a medical ^dent—sees no possi-
bility of assuming the obligation for five or

six years?

Is it fair to monopolize a young girl’s time
for all those precious years, with the possi-

bility that the romance may crumble at the
end? Steady courtship involves grave
responsibilities which should not be under-
taken lightly.

It should be preceded by wide and friendly
mingling and acquaintance with others, by

8



the attainment of a sufficient age to under-

stand the tremendous responsibilities of mar-

riage, and by the approximate achievement

of the financial resources to establish and

maintain a home. When these antecedents
are lacking, steady company keeping is un-

wise. Instead of aiding them in making a

wise choice of a life partner, it is more like-

ly to handicap and defeat them. Premature

steady courtship is like expecting June roses

to blossom before Spring has melted the

snows and sleet of March. So much then for
the practical suggestions about acquaintance

among the sexes and the purpose of court-
ship.

We come now to consider the importance
of the preservation of chastity during court-

ship, the danger which threatens it, and the
means suggested by human prudence and
divine wisdom for its protection.

Courtship is a time of stress and strain.
New emotions, struggling for expression, are
beating their almost ceaseless tattoo upon the
minds, hearts, and nerves of adolescent
youth. Cravings and urges, rooted deep in
the biological instincts of the race, are

clamoring for satisfaction. The proximity
of a person of the opposite sex, a person who
appeals to one’s whole nature, tends—unless
careful precautions are adapted—to add fuel
to the flames of one’s natural yearnings.

Chastity will not long survive unless a cour-

9



ageous and determined struggle is made. God
permits no compromise with the angelic vir-

tue. Aptly does George Herbert say: Wholly

abstain or wed. Thy bounteous Lord allows
thee choice of paths; take no byways.

Discretion Outweighs Valor

We carry our precious treasure in vessels
of clay. That fragile material will be shat-
tered if we expose it needlessly to the sledge-
hammer blows of newly aroused passions.
Prudence, discretion and the avoidance of

all unnecessary risks constitute the only strat-

egy which will lead in this warfare to vic-
tory. Here an ounce of discretion is worth a
ton of valor.

Our safety lies, not in stalking the enemy
but in flight. “He that loveth danger,” warns
EcclesiasticuSy “shall perish in it.”^

Later on the writer sounds the same note
of warning: “He that toucheth pitch, shall
be defiled with it.”^ He that needlessly ex-
poses himself to the danger of unchastity will

rarely, if ever, come out unscathed.

It is well for young people to remember
that the law of chastity suffers neither abro-

gation nor curtailment during courtship. It

binds the young couple in love to be pure in
thought, word and deed with the same rigor
with which it binds all mankind. It binds
Protestants, Jews, non-church-going people,

unbelievers as truly as it binds Catholics,

10



All, in whose minds shines the light of reason,

fall under its all-embracing scope. Contrary

to an impression encountered occasionally,

courtship offers no moratorium upon the ob-
ligation to preserve one’s innocence unsul-

lied. Then above all times is vigilance of the
utmost importance.

Courtship on High Plane

One of the most important truths that
needs to be driven home to young people is
this: Keep your courtship on a high plane.
Never allow it to degenerate to the physical.
That sounds the death knell of honor and
respect. With those elements gone, true
friendship is impossible. Lust, squalid and
ugly, has reared its serpentine head, and
drives off the angels of decency and honor.
“A man,” says Frederick Harrison, “who
cannot control his appetite is a cad. There is
no real love except in marriage.”

11



In all the long history of humanity, lust,

naked and unrestrained, has never failed to

deform friendship 2ind love into an orgy of

passion, whose denouncement is nausea, re-

morse, shame, bitterness, suffering, death. Its

lethal fangs will kill the noblest friendship

and poison the purest love. When allowed
free scope, it will never fail to transform a

Paradise of Eden in which lovers ought to
dwell, into a purgatory, if not a hell, on

earth.

“The sublimest virtues,” observes Dr.
Krafft-Ebing, “even the sacrifice of self, may
spring from sexual life which, however, on

account of its sensual power, may easily de-
generate into the lowest passion and basest
vice. Love unbridled is a volcano that bums
down and lays waste all around it; it is an
abyss that devours all—honor, substance and
health.”®

Explorers from the jungles of Africa report
that one of the most dreaded dangers en-
countered there is a poisonous insect. It steals

upon its victim, and by a fast but noiseless
movement of it wings, cools the skin and
thus deadens its sensitivity so that one does
not feel the boring of the proboscis as it

pierces the skin and shoots in its deadly
weapon. It is the capacity to desensitize its
victim so that he puts up no defense, that
renders it so much dreaded.

So too it is with lust. It steals subtly upon

12



an individual, disturbs his capacity for clear

discernment and calm thinking, and tends to

anaesthetize the moral faculty. That is why
lust is probably the most dangerous of all the

foes that lie in ambush around the citadel

of the human soul.

In all courtship, it is true, the physical ele-

ment of sex is not lacking. But it must be

kept in the background. It must not be al-

lowed to dominate the scene, to direct the

thoughts, and to dictate the conduct of the

young people. God has made man, male and
female. Each is possessed of a different na-
ture. Those differences are both physical and

psychological. These two natures, each in-
complete in itself, find their completion in

that sacred fusion which is achieved in mat-
rimony. It is sufficient for the young couple
to know this without seeking to explore the
physical basis of these differences.

Subordinate Physical Element

The areas which are to be explored in
courtship are those of taste, mind, tempera-

ment, disposition and character. The purpose
here is to discover as large an area of con-
geniality as possible in all these important

fields of thought, conduct and life.

These elements of congeniality will endure
when passion like a bolt of lightning will
largely have spent itself. Instead of growing
weaker with the years, they grow in strength,

13



in tenacity and in expansiveness. Along with

the love which has deepened with the years,

they hold the couple together with tender-

ness but with the strength of hoops of steel.

One of the evil consequences of allowing
the physical expression of sex too great li-

cense is that it impedes the intelligent ex-

ploration of elements of congeniality in other

fields. It frustrates the cultivation of friend-

ship in its deepest sense. Friendship of mind,

of heart and of soul can only develop when
the physical is subordinated to the spiritual.

Man is more than an animal. He is es-
sentially a spiritual creature. It is the mind
of man which constitutes his distinctive na-
ture and his crowning glory. This then is the
part of his nature which must be explored

and cultivated, if friendship is to find its
anchorage in an enduring element. An at-
traction which springs largely from the phy-
sical element of sex is an insecure foundation
for enduring friendship and conjugal love.

“Hands-off” Policy

Because of the explosive character of sex,

which acts like dynamite when ignited by
a fuse, the importance of restraining the

physical element in courting can scarcely be

overstressed. The rule, basic and all-impor-
tant, for all young people to remember is
this: Follow a hands-off policy during

courtship. This is the wisest and safest course.

14



Respect the person of the friend with

whom you are keeping company. Don’t try
to set him or her and yourself as well—on
fire. Why excite desires which cannot be sat-
isfied, save at the expense of all that you

both hold dear? Why torture your friend?
Why make him restless and uneasy? Why in-
flict upon her headaches and heartaches and,
almost inevitably, a disturbed, if not an ac-

cusing, conscience? Is not happiness, rather

than pain, love’s distinctive gift?

“Father,” remarked a young college girl

to me at the close of a retreat, “I’ve made a
resolution to keep our courtship on a high
plane. My parents are separated and I
haven’t had much Catholic training. In high
school I traveled with a pretty fast set . . .

we took ‘necking’ for granted on a date.

“Since coming to college I’ve been dating
a boy who is a daily communicant. I admire
and like him very much. He informed me
recently that after dates with me he didn’t
feel free to go to Holy Communion . . . with-

15



out first going to confession. His conscience

was disturbed. He notified me that he was
going to end our friendship if he couldn’t

leave me with a good conscience.
“It jolted me as never before . . . more

than any sermon. I’m going daily to Holy

Communion to get help to keep my resolu-
tion . . . and with God’s help ... I will.”

Genuine friendship does not lean upon the
stimulation of the physical element of sex.

It is injured and pained by such unseemly

intrusions. Young people who really care for
each other find untold happiness in the mere

presence of the other. A world of good clean
fun and enjoyment may be had together
without any appeal to lust.

Mind Meets Mind

When young people keep their friendship
on that high plane, the precious qualities of

mind, heart and character never fail to un-
fold themselves like shining pearls. These

scintillate and sparkle. Soon these strings of
pearls will interlock. Mind meets mind, heart
twines its arms around heart, and soul basks
in the warm radiance of another soul.
Here is a friendship which grows from the

twining of the noblest elements of their na-

ture, like arms of love, one around the other.
Such friendship will reach its natural goal
in the perfect fusion of two hearts and souls
in the deathless union of matrimony. Young

16



people who keep their friendship on this
high basis tap new fountains of innocent joy
and laughter. For a thousand times more

satisfying and enduring than the mere con-

tact of bodies are the joys which arise from

the contact of mind with mind, of heart with
heart, of personality with personality.

In the personality of the most prosaic look-

ing individual there are hidden kingdoms of

wondrous beauty. They are not discovered
through superficial acquaintance. They are
found only through patient exploration and

continued search. Sometimes a smile in the

face of defeat, a brave gesture when the chips
are down, the manifestation of determination

to fight on against all odds to the unseen end,

a kindly word of praise when sorely needed
to carry on, will act as the magic Sesame to

open the doors to those hidden worlds of

beauty and of tenderness. Says Allene Greg-

ory in her poem. Personality:

1 am a stained glass window
Little of light comes through

Flecked by a thousand colors,

Purple and mauve and blue.
But when you praised my colors.
Only the dear Lord knew
How I longed to shatter the painted glass
And show far worlds to you.

17



Sex Differences

Here a word about the differences in the

sexes is in order. The physical basis of the
sex instinct is more highly localized in man
and may be more easily aroused. In woman
the psychical elements play a larger and

more important role. Actions and contacts

which leave her virtually undisturbed may
greatly arouse the passions of her male com-

panion. Consequently, it is necessary for the

girl to bear in mind the wisdom of discourag-
ing any liberty which may act as a fuse
setting off an explosion on the part of her
friend. In a sense she must be the keeper of

his conscience as well as of her own. She

must be considerate of him as well as of
herself.

Yet how often that protection is denied a
young man, through lack of understanding
of his danger. “One of the greatest dangers,”
points out M. A. Bigelow, “that present-day
boys in the latest teens (and the twenties)

must learn to face with stoical grip on their
own impulsive tendencies is the almost inevi-
table temptation thrown before them in the
whirl of social life by perfectly decent and
innocent girls who by nature do not under-
stand why and what and wherefore is the
young man’s problem of self-control.”^
Not uncommonly the girl fails to realize

that a familiarity, which seems to her to be

18



an innocent expression of romantic love, may
quickly ignite the tinderbox of the boy’s pas-

sion, setting off a terrific explosion. Because

the phv’sical elements of sex are usually dor-

mant or quiescent in her nature, she does

not sense that what is safe for her may be
extremely perilous for her friend. If these

differences were more widely understood by

young people of both sexes, many dangers
and temptations now unwittingly placed be-
fore young men would be avoided.

“If each understood the other’s nature

and impulses better,” observes Dr. J. M.
Cooper, “their courtship problems would not,

it is true, be solved one hundred per cent,

but there would be notably fewer sHps, more
mutual consideration and protection, less
liberties, and more of ennobling and purify-
ing love in its highest levels.”®

A Life Preserver
The average young man wants to do right.

Under the sledge-hammer blows of newly
awakened sex instincts, he stands, however,
desperately in need of help. Even when out-
wardly pleading for liberties, he is often in-
wardly hoping and praying that the girl will
save him from himself. If she is a wise and
considerate girl, she will not fail to help him
in his moment of desperate need. An earnest
w^ord, a look of disapproval, a sudden change
in the conversation, a quick and determined

19



step away, will be the life preserver thrown

to him as he is sinking.
When thus rescued, with his senses re-

stored to him, a sentiment of boundless ad-

miration will well up in his heart for
the girl who saved him. That understanding
gesture, in which were mingled sympathy

and firmness, is the finest possible expression

of true friendship and nobility of character.

The young man, if he has any streak of de-
cency in him, will not fail to take the cue

and keep his courtship, henceforth, safely

away from the danger zones.

A Paradox

A young man is a curious paradox. That
paradox asserts itself in the reaction which
not infrequently mystifies the girl. He has
pleaded and begged for certain liberties.
After he has obtained them, does he feel
pride over his success and gratitude for the
girl who yielded to his entreaties? On the
contrary, he is ashamed of himself, and dis-
illusioned with the girl.

20



The conterapt that he feels for himself
spreads over to her who was the accessory
to his misdeed. Instead of the exultant joy

of victory, there is the sting of humiliating

defeat. Such a friendship has received a body

blow. If it is to survive, a different course

must be pursued by both.

The reaction of the man may appear to
the girl as strange, paradoxical, contradic-

tory. It may be all that and more. But it is
as old as humanity. It is mirrored in the

Second Book of Kings, which tells how Am-
mon prevailed upon Thamar, much against
her will. “Do not do so,” she pleaded, “do not
force me: for no such thing must be done

in Israel. . . . For I shall not be able to bear

my shame, and thou shalt be as one of the
fools in Israel.” He hearkened not, however,
to her earnest pleading . . . her tearful en-

treaty.

Did the action elicit his praise and ensure
his love? Listen to the verse which imme-
diately follows the record of the deed

:

“Then Ammon hated her with an exceeding
great hatred; so that the hatred wherewith

he hated her was greater than the love with
which he had loved her before. And Ammon
said to her: Arise, and get thee gone.”®
Such was the reaction of man at the begin-
ning of history. Such will be his reaction till
the crack of doom. For the spiritual element
which constitutes man’s distinctive nature

21



will always rise in wrath and condemnation
against the flesh which betrays him for a
mess of pottage.

The feelings of nausea, shame, contempt,
after a yielding to temptation are not, how-
ever, peculiar to the man. They are shared
equally, if not to an even greater degree, by

the girl. While she is not so susceptible to

excitement through the physical stimuli of

sex, she realizes that her maidenly modesty

is her greatest treasure. From her male con-
sort she covets, above all, respect and honor.

She is sensitive to the eloquence of re-

straint. She sees it in the expression of love

tempered with reverence and esteem. A
young man will most surely win the heart of
a girl if he acts always as a gentleman and

places her upon her rightful pedestal of im-
sullied innocence and queenly modesty.

The Quarterback

Similarly, a girl will command the respect
and win the love of a boy if by words and
actions she makes it transparently clear that
she will tolerate no compromise with her
ideals of honor and integrity. Any momen-
tary lowering of the bars as well as any hesi-

tancy or vacillation are quickly detected and
are too readily construed as subtle and im-
plied invitations to liberties that may prove
both questionable and dangerous.

“Father,” tearfully remarked a young co-

22



ed to me, “rm sorry that Joe has left with-
out really getting to know me, that is, my
better and truer self. We were pretty frivo-
lous in our courtship . . . went out for good

times and lots of fun. I never really got to

show him my true character, my deeper self.”
She hesitated for a moment as though it

wasn’t too easy to continue. Then she added

:

“But it’s my owm fault. I was the quarter-
back and I didn’t always call the right sig-

nals. I wish I had the chance over again and

I’d guide the play differently.”

What a world of meaning is packed into
that phrase which has stuck with me through
the passing years

—
“I was the quarterback.”

Yes, the girl is the quarterback in the game
of love. She calls the signals that touch off

the springs of action. Her words and actions,
the expression in her eyes, and the tone of

her voice not less than her spoken words

sound the signals which like radio waves are

picked up by the sensitive antennae of the
throbbing heart and listening mind of her
sweetheart. Valiant, wise and blessed indeed
is the girl who calls signals that square with
Christ’s law of honor and purity and issue
in the actions of a chaste and noble love.

1 3:27.
2 13:1.
3 Psychopathic Sexuclis; p. 2.
4 Adolescence, Funk and Wagnalls, N. Y., p. 60.
6 Religion Outlines for Colleges, Course IV, Catholic Edu-

cation Press, Washington, p. 103.
9 Kings, 13:15.

23



Look for these other marriage pamphlets
by Father John A. O’Brien.
Ten cents each, single copy by mail fifteen cents.

MARRIAGE: A VOCATION
An aid to marriage preparation. Addressed not
only to youth looking forward to marriage, but
also to those concerned with their direction.
An outline of instruction.

PREPARING FOR MARRIAGE
Purpose of engagement, pledge to Christian
marriage. Outlines a necessary course in pre-
marital instructions.

CHOOSING A PARTNER FOR MARRIAGE
What to look for in a mate. The heart of the
home, the place of the wife and husband.

FALLING IN LOVE WITH OPEN EYES
The danger of hasty marriages. The selection
of the right marriage partner.

WHY MARRIAGES FAIL
Nine main causes for marriage failures among
Catholics! An excellent directive for engaged
couples; a solid warning to married persons.

GETTING THE MOST OUT OF MARRIAGE
The spiritual, psychic, and physiological factors
in married life; a plea for open and complete
understanding.

Order from:

PAMPHLET DEPARTMENT
Ave Maria Press

Notre Dame, Indiana



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