Questions young men and women ask before marriage


VOUNG MEN AND yi/OMEN

ASK BEFORE MARRIAGE





QUESTIONS

YOUNG MEN AND WOMEN
ASK BEFORE MARRIAGE

by

Donald F. Miller, C.SS.R.

COPYRIGHT 1961
LIGUORIAN PAMPHLETS

REDEMPTORIST FATHERS

Liguori, Missouri



Imprimi Potest:

John N. McCormick, C.SS.R
Provincial, St. Louis Province,

Redemptorist Fathers

November 20, 1961

Imprimatur:

St. Louis, November 24, 1961

© Joseph Cardinal Ritter
Archbishop of St. Louis



CONTENTS

Is Love Necessary for a Happy Marriage? 5

Is Love Sufficient for a Happy Marriage? 6

On Love at First Sight 7

Can This Be Love? 8

How to Escape from “Love” 9

Can Love Be Acquired? 11

When Is Kissing a Sin? 12

To Kiss or Not to Kiss? 1

3

Different Views on Kissing? 15

On Resisting Advances 16

Too Young to Keep Company? 17

Secret Company-keeping 19

High School Company-keeping 20

Is Sixteen Too Young for Dates? 21

Dates with Married Employers 23

Company-keeping in the Late Thirties 24

Is Mixed Company-keeping a Mortal Sin? 25

Wrong Company-keeping 26

Sinful Company-keeping 28

On Blind Dates 29

On Exclusive Dates 30

Should Engaged Girls Accept Dates? 31

Waiting for a Proposal 32



CONTENTS

Should an Engaged Girl Reveal Her Past? (I) 34

Should an Engaged Girl Reveal Her Past (II) 35

Sex Experience before Marriage 36

Second Marriage 37

Age Differences for Marriage 39

Approval of Divorce before Marriage 40

Marriage Without Children 42

Catholic Girl’s Quandary 44

On Stealing Another Man’s Girl 45

On Eloping 46

On Reluctant Mothers 47

Does Religion Matter in Marriage? 48

Doubtful Freedom to Marry 50

In Love with a Divorced Man 51

On Marrying a Relative 52

Choice of Loves 53

On Reading Books about Sex 54

On Caring for Aged Parents 55

Should a Girl Marry for Her Reputation 57

Is Plastic Surgery Lawful? 58

How to Judge a Boy Friend’s Conversion 59

The Fruits of an Invalid Marriage 61



QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRIAGE 5

Is Love Necessary for a Happy Marriage?

Question: Is love necessary for a happy marriage?

Answer: It depends on what you mean by “love”. I might add
that it also depends on what you mean by marriage, but we shall
take for granted that you mean what the Lord meant, viz., an in-
dissoluble sacramental partnership between a man and a woman
who pledge themselves to help each other toward happiness on
earth and in heaven, and to beget and rear children for the king-

dom of God.
What do you mean by “love”? Do you mean that violent feel-

ing of attraction, that all-suffering sense of helpless infatuation,

that overpowering “can’t-think-of-anything-else” emotion, which

the pulps, true story magazines and mashy novels describe as love?

If you do, my answer is a quick “no”. This kind of love is not
necessary because there have been thousands of happy marriages

without it, from those in which the bridegroom was chosen for

the bride (or vice versa) by elders, as was customary for centur-

ies, down to the latest marriage of two young people who kept
their wits about them all through their company-keeping and en-

gagement. The wild infatuation that some mistake for love is a
minor form of hysteria, and hysteria is not only not necessary for,

but a positive drawback to, a happy marriage.

But if you define love correctly, I say that it is absolutely neces-

sary for a happy marriage. Love is an intelligent willingness to

surrender self-will, to make sacrifices, to place fidelity, charity and
duty above feelings, in behalf of a person whom one has found to
be a good companion, a sturdy character, and a believer in the

same purposes of life and marriage as oneself. The degree of
physical and emotional attraction behind this determination of the

free will may vary greatly, but it is never the essence of love. Too
many young people have thought otherwise, to the effect that, with
the inevitable lessening of infatuation after a year or two of mar-

ried life, they have considered themselves no longer in love. Love
is a function of the free will, and it can last as long as the free

will exercises itself according to the above definition. Therefore,



6 QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRUGE

to say “I am in love” should mean “I am willing to surrender my
will, to sacrifice my desires, to place duty and fidelity above all
else, in behalf of one person whom I have found suitable for a
successful marriage.”

Is Love Sufficient for a Happy Marriage?

Problem: If one is deeply in love with a certain person, is not

that sufficient for a happy marriage, even though others advise

against the marriage? I am in love with a young man, and want to
marry hmi, but everybody tells me he won’t make me happy. I
am so happy just being in love with him that I know I’ll be happy
in marriage.

Solution: It has been set down as one of the most futile things
in life to argue with a young person akeady in love, who believes
that the happiness of being in love is a true measure of the happi-

ness that will be found in marriage. However, those of us who are
interested in the happiness of married folk wiU still go on trying

to convince young people of the danger of this mistake.

You say that everybody tells you that the young man you love
cannot make you happy in marriage. I presume that this means
your parents, your pastor or confessor, your close friends. Such

unanimity can hardly be a result of conspiracy against you, or

unfounded on good reasons. With eyes undimmed by the infatu-
ation that makes you a poor judge of your boy friend, they must

see something in his character that makes him unfit for the respon-

sibilities of marriage. Perhaps he is shiftless and undependable;

perhaps a drunkard; perhaps unprincipled or irreligious. After all,

there are thousands of divorces in America each year, and tens

of thousands of broken hearted wives. Can’t you see that most of

the latter married because they were breathlessly in love, and only

afterward, too late, found out that love is not sufficient for a hap-

py marriage?

You did not tell me on what ground everybody opposes your
marriage to this boy, and therefore I do not say for certain that

their opposition is justified. There is a good presumption that it is,



QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRIAGE 7

however, from the fact that it is unanimous. I do say firmly, how-

ever, that you are clinging to a false principle when you say that
“because you are happy just being in love with your boy friend,

you know you’ll be happy in marriage.” It takes more than love,
I assure you, to make a marriage happy, and sometimes it is only
your parents, pastor, and good friends, who can tell you whether
that something is present or absent.

On Love at First Sight
Problem’. “Do you believe in love at first sight? I recently met

a man and fell head over heels in love with him on our first date.
He seemed to feel the same way about me. If he asks me to marry
him even after only three dates, I feel that I will just have to say

Yes. Is not such a love sufficient to make marriage very happy?”

Solution: No, it isn’t, and if you look around, you will see

hundreds of proofs of this fact. Love at first sight may be the
preliminary to a happy marriage, but there is no guarantee that it

will be. I should say that the chances are definitely against a happy

marriage, if love at first sight and three dates are the only pre-

liminaries.

The reason should be clear: as a rational creature you are ex-
pected to use your head as well as your heart in all the important

actions of your life. There are few things more important than

getting married, and once married, you are married till the death

of either yourself or your partner. This love at first sight that you

talk about is an emotional reaction to someone who seems to have
many fine qualities on the surface. It cannot possibly see into the
heart, into the conscience, into the will, into the past. It is easily

possible that a man for whom a girl would feel love at first sight
would be able to present a very lovable appearance for a time,

while under the surface he was harboring any number of vices and
evils. It takes time to find out whether a man has the interior
qualities necessary to make a good husband and a happy mar-
riage. And it takes common sense on your part not to say such
things as that “you would have to say Yes at once if he asked



8 QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRUGE

you to marry him on your third date together.” By that time you
might not even have found out whether he was married before;

whether he had an ungovernable temper; whether he was subject

to epilepsy, melancholia or alcoholism.

Most of the divorces result from short courtships and so-called
love at first sight. Don’t be like the foolish ones of your genera-

tion. If you like this man at first sight, remember that you must
use second sight and third sight and twentieth sight to know wheth-
er you can have reasonable assurance that he won’t be giving you

black eyes in the second month of your marriage. Love at first
sight is all right if after six months of going with the person you

find that he is as good inside as he is outside, and that you won’t

offend God or renounce God by marrying him.

Can This Be Love?

Problem: Some weeks ago I had a date with a young man and
I fell very much in love with him. But he has never asked me for
another date. I am 21 years old and feel that he is the only one
for me. How can I get him to fall in love with me? I see him at
various parties and affairs, but he is always with some other girl.

This makes me just crazy with jealousy.

Solution: Very probably your determination to snare a hus-

band, and your setting your cap for the individual with whom you
had a single date, became so clear in your conduct that this par-

ticular man lost interest in you. Men of character do not as a rule
care for this “love-at-first-sight” business, whether it be actually

put into words or whether it be only manifest in the looks, actions

and eagerness of a girl. No matter how much you may be attracted
to a man at first acquaintance, prudence dictates that you exercise
a certain amount of reserve. This adds to your attractiveness and

at the same time shows that you have common sense enough not
to permit first feelings to rule your conduct and even to sponsor

decisions that must last a lifetime.

When you go out with a man, you should remember that, while
company-keeping is essentially a proving-ground for marriage, the



QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRIAGE 9

man does not want to find that the only thing you are interested
in is marriage. He wants to find out what some of your other in-
terests, capabilities, ideals and enjoyments are. If he catches you

mooning over him from the very start, “putting on” in an effort

to impress him, acting as if you have not a thought in the world

other than that of leading him to the altar, you must not be sur-

prised if he does not ask you for a second date. If, on the other

hand, he finds that you have a rounded personality, that you are

a pretty happy sort of person and would be such whether you

knew him or not, he is very apt to decide in due time that you
are the type of girl he would like to go through life with, and that

your love is worth making an effort to win.

Another thing: you are showing signs of great immaturity by

stating that this one man is the only one for you, and that you will
be forever miserable without him. You may be miserable, but not
because this one man gave you the cold shoulder. It will be be-
cause you have cultivated so few interests in life other than the

determination to get married, that no man will give you a second
or serious thought. Take your mind off marriage for a while and
try to be natural, to be contented, to be self-sufficient, and you

will not be left alone with your dreams.

How to Escape from ^^Love'^
Problem: Is it possible for one who has fallen madly in love

with another to fall out of love? I am terribly in love with a man.
But I know that my family and friends are right when they tell me
that he would not make a good husband because of his obvious
character defects and his past. But what can I do? I love him so
much that nothing seems to matter except being with him and
marrying him any time he says the word. Is there any cure for this

at all?

Solution: Yes, there is a cure for this unfortunate situation, if

you will permit the intelligence God gave you to take command
over your feelings. Most of the cases in which girls talk about
being madly in love, contrary to their own better judgment, are



10 QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRIAGE

due to too much reading of romantic magazine stories and novels,
and too much indulgence in movies that represent love as a flame
that cannot be extinguished. Such stories and movies are an insult

to the God-given intelligence of every human being. They are
based on the false principle that a person can do nothing about

his feelings except give in to them. If this were true, we would all
be worse off than brute animals, because the latter have instincts

to preserve them from harm which we do not possess. Human
intelligence is supposed to save us from harm.

These are the steps you must take to overcome the attraction

you feel for a man whom you know to be unfit for marriage:

1. Convince yourself that you don’t have to let your feelings

lead you around like a donkey on a halter. Cultivate a sense of

shame for the very idea that you are helpless because of your

feelings.

2. Use the special power, that is a part of your intelligence, of

looking into the future. Visualize the unhappiness that will be

yours in a very short time if you marry one who lacks decent char-
acter and virtue. Think of the shame that will be yours when your
own conscience and everybody else will say: “I told you so.”

3. Make yourself acutely aware of the sinfulness of giving in
to your feelings in this matter. It is wrong to wreck your life by

acting on your feelings when you know this will end in tragedy
for you, and will even endanger your immortal soul. Ask daily
for God’s help in following your reason rather than your feelings.

4. Make the sharp and final decision not to see the person any
more. Don’t torture yourself by accepting a single date with him

after you have made your decision. Don’t act on the delusion that
you can enjoy his company with no intention of marrying him.

5. Don’t pity yourself as if you were terribly abused because

this had to happen to you. Everybody has to choose between feel-

ings and common sense at some time or other in life. Make the
choice proudly, as befits one who is the image and likeness of God



QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRIAGE 11

Can Love Be Acquired?

Problem: For several years I have wanted to get married and

have a home of my own. Now at last a man of good character
has asked me to marry him, but I do not feel that I am in love
with him. Yet I am afraid that if I do not accept him, I won’t have
another chance to marry. Tell me, is it possible to fall in love

with a man after you have married him? Or is it possible to have
a happy marriage without being very much in love with your part-
ner?

Solution: The answer to this question depends entirely on the
character, training and spiritual maturity of the girl involved. If

a girl has a false, movie-inspired ideal of the glamor and excite-

ment of being wildly in love, if she is of the immature type that

day-dreams of being swept off her feet by love, there is reason to

fear that she would be dissatisfied with a marriage in which her

feelings were more or less commonplace. It is very probable
that the lack of romantic feeling on her part, in conjunction with

the ordinary disillusionraents that arise in married life, would

make her think she had been cheated out of something. She
would still be foolishly day-dreaming of romance after marriage.

However, it may be remarked that a girl with excessively roman-
tic ideas about love is usually a poor bet for happiness in any

marriage.

But for a girl who is well aware that the movies, romantic nov-
els, and love story magazines present a false picture of the im-

portance of being madly in love, for one who knows how often
marriages built on this kind of love collapse after a short time,

for one who has learned to make her feelings subordinate to her
will, there can be a very happy and successful marriage without

the wild kind of romantic love. History is full of examples of such.

If a girl wants to marry, and knows what marriage entails, and

has character enough to do her part to make her marriage hap-

py, come what may, she is an excellent prospect for a successful

marriage to a man whom she respects, and whose principles are
as high as her own.



12 QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRIAGE

We make only one reservation. A girl should not marry a man
for whom she feels some real dislike or antipathy. The intimacy
of married life intensifies such dislikes or antipathies if they are

present from the beginning. We are speaking above of the case in
which there is a real liking for a man, community of interests,

union in principles, and readiness to do God’s will, no matter

what it demands. If what the world calls romantic love is not

present, in such a case, it will not matter too greatly.

When Is Kissing a Sin?
Problem: Is kissing a sin?

Solution: Almost wherever there are young people who go out
on dates, this question is posed to those who take an interest in
their welfare both spiritual and temporal. It is obvious that the

customs and fashions of the world in which they live have made
it a serious problem that must be faced.

In answering it, we shall consider the moral angle first, and
then add considerations of prudence and common sense. There
are two different kinds of kissing that can be referred to in the

question. The first is the ordinary kiss of greeting and farewell,

the kiss that people are not ashamed to give in public or in the

presence of others, the kind of kiss exchanged between a mother

and son, brother and sister, relative and relative. It is a salutation,

a symbol, a sign of love and respect for a person to whom one is
bound by the more sacred ties of human relationship. Clearly this
kind of kissing is not sinful, not sinful even between a boy and

girl in love.

Usually when this much has been explained, young people
answer rather scornfully: “Oh, we don’t mean that kind of kiss-
ing.” Or they will cry out with still greater scorn: “How can you
expect us to kiss like a brother and sister if we are in love?” This
is very revealing. It means that what such young people have in

mind when they ask “Is kissing a sin?” is not the mere symbol
or salutation of affection, but something inspired by and bound

up in some way with passion. They are referring to close and



QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRUGE 13

protracted embraces; the kisses that gratify, in some way, the

yearning for bodily union with another that can lawfully be ful-

filled only in marriage. Sometimes they do not realize that this is

the origin of their desire for protracted kissing experiences, but

the fact remains that it is just that, and in many cases it leads them
straight into the great sins that beforehand they would have said

they abhorred. That is why such kissing, prolonged, passionate,
exciting, is a sin in itself. It is a sin in so far as it springs from

and leads to indulgence in sinful passion.

On the prudential side, even the kisses that are merely symbols
of affection should not be made common, cheap and promiscuous.
Kisses should be reserved for the more strong and sacred rela-

tionships in life. The boy and girl who make them cheap will al-
most invariably cheapen even nobler and more important things.

To Kiss or Not to Kiss?

Problem: Most boys expect to be permitted to kiss a girl at

least after one or two dates. Is it permissible or advisable to go

along with their wishes? Some girls with whom I have talked say
that if you don’t permit it you will lose every boy-friend.

Solution: Let’s bring this question down to some fundamental
principles and reasoning, leaving out of consideration for the

moment whether “most boys expect it” or “all girls advise it.”
Little of value for one’s happiness is ever learned from what

“everybody happens to be doing.”

The purpose of dates between marriageable young people is
that they may become acquainted with each other’s characters
and so find out whether, when the question comes up as it should
eventually, there is a good chance of their being happily married.

Let it be noted that the purpose of dates is not primarily and

exclusively “a good time”—^with no further implications. Of
course, every boy and girl wants to have a good time on a date,
but this should be subjected, in their minds, to the more serious
purposes that justify company-keeping and its dangers. It is be-

cause so many young people think of dating as just a means of



14 QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRIAGE

“having a good time” that so many fall into sin on their dates. A
decent boy and girl will never think of a good time as permitting

anything contrary to God’s law; nor will they be unmindful that

on their dates they are making a test of each other.

Passionate kissing, it has been shown in this column, is forbid-

den to unmarried people. There are different kinds of kissing, and

the above problem can only be considered as pertaining to that

kind which is not gravely sinful. There is no question about the

other. Even that, however, we say, indulged in on a first or sec-
ond or third date, is a serious obstacle to the fulfillment of the

purpose of company-keeping. Kissing, even though it be quite

modest, stimulates physical attraction to another. In proportion

as it docs so, it lessens the ability of intelligence to judge the fit-

ness of a companion for marriage. Many a girl who permitted a
boy to kiss her on short acquaintance has been swept into mar-

riage by her feelings, only to find that he was anything but the

person to make her happy. Many a girl who permitted kissing to
a near stranger has been swept into sin and into a forced mar-

riage.

The above principles are so true that even if all boys expected
a girl to consent to kissing, and all girls advised it, (which is not

true), they should still be followed by an intelligent, self-respect-
ing, God-fearing girl. Following them is the only known way of
finding an intelligent, self-respecting, virtuous boy for a partner
in marriage.



QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRIAGE 15

Different Views on Kissing

Problem: Why is there so much difference in the advice given
by different priests in regard to kissing on dates? Some say it is

all right if we don’t go too far; others warn us against it under

any circumstances; others make us feel that it is seriously wrong.
If we girls tell the boys we don’t think it is right, they almost
always answer that some priest told them that it is not wrong.

We are confused and want to know what stand we should take on
this matter.

Solution: The subject of kissing on dates is an involved one,

and different statements of different priests regarding it are al-

most always due to the different ways in which the questions are

presented by young people themselves.

The priest who says it is not wrong is usually answering a
question put somewhat like this: “Is it wrong to let a boy friend

kiss you goodnight?” The assumption in the question is that the

kiss is but a brief affair, registering affection and even respect,

but without passion-stimulating side-actions or prolonged and

dangerous embracing. Of course the answer to this question, on
strictly moral grounds, is that it is not sinful any more than an

affectionate kiss between mother and son or brother and sister is

sinful.

The priest who tells you that kissing on dates is sinful has
properly gathered from the way the question is put to him, that
he is being asked about prolonged kissing, kissing “for the sake of

a thrill,” kissing and embracing as a pastime in which ordinarily

there are thoughts, desires and inclinations toward indulgence in

bodily pleasures that are sinful for the unmarried. Such kissing

is not merely an expression of affection, no matter how much
young people may protest that it is. It is an unnecessary and high-
ly provocative occasion of sin. No priest can say otherwise than
that to thrust oneself into an unnecessary and extremely danger-

ous occasion of sin is a sin in itself. If a boy ever quotes a priest

as saying that this is lawful, you may be sure he is either mis-
quoting or deliberately lying.



16 QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRUGE

The priest who warns you against too much freedom in regard
to kissing is aware of the fact that the first kind of kissing here

spoken of often leads to the second among young people keep-
ing company. He wants you to know that there is a tendency in
your nature and in your boy friend’s nature to carry kissihg too

far, and that you must be aware of that tendency, must discipline

it in yourself and be watchful to resist any weakness with regard

to it in your boy friend.

It is not, therefore, the moral law that is confusing in this

matter. It is the fact that, while you want to be good, there is a

strong inclination within you toward what is dangerous and bad.

It is your lower nature that suggests that you make the law of God
seem confusing, so that it will be free to do.what it pleases.

On Resisting Advances
Problem: “I am a high school senior, 17 years old, and I find

that I hardly ever go out with a boy but that he makes some kind

of evil advances. It seems to me, and most of my girl friends will
tell you the same thing, that all the boys want on a date nowadays

is to indulge in kissing, petting, and even worse things. How can
a girl stay decent when everybody she goes out with seems to be
interested only in doing the wrong thing?”

Solution: It is not easy, we readily admit, but we quickly add
that it is supremely important and worthwhile. There are two

reasons why so many girls find that “all the boys they go out
with” seem to want to engage them in sinful kissing, petting, etc.

One reason is that there are so many boys in the United States
who have been brought up without any real religion, certainly
with no powerful religious motives for resisting the strong in-

clinations of their lower nature. Public grade and high school

education has no way of providing such religious motives, and
without them it is difficult for anyone to be chaste and pure.

Even Catholic high school and college youths who received no
solid religious and moral training at home, will often appear just

as unprincipled as those who never went to a Catholic school.



QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRIAGE 17

This only proves that the best of schools cannot accomplish much
without the cooperation of the home.

The second reason why sinful petting and kissing and worse
things are taken for granted by so many boys is that so many
girls are unprincipled enough to give in easily to such practices.

No matter how bad many of the boys are, it is certain that they
would not be so bad if they did not meet with cooperation in their

evil instincts by the majority of girls.

A girl of 17 surely has little reason to complain that it is too
hard to be good. She is too young to think that it is necessary to

get married in the immediate future; even if she is in a position

to marry soon, she still has plenty of time in which to choose

a good partner. She should be willing to give the gate to a dozen

boy friends, one after the other, if she finds that each one in turn

demands privileges that come under the heading of impurity. And
despite the pessimism of our correspondent, it is certain that a

girl who is herself devoted to purity will be able to make some of
the boys she meets as devoted to it as she is. Girls have more

power in this regard than they realize.

Problem: I am 14 years old, a sophomore in high school, and
I have a boy friend who is 16. We go out together twice a week
sometimes more often. My mother tells me I’m too young to be
keeping company like that, but all the kids are doing it. I can’t
see that there is anything wrong with it. Is there?

Solution: Our answer to the above question must be directed
chiefly to 14, 15, and 16 year-old high school girls who have not
yet gone in for company keeping. (There are many such, despite
our correspondent’s statement about “all the kids.”) It is our sad

experience that there is little use in talking to very young girls

who already have their “steady” boy friends. Keeping company
make's them feel wise beyond their years. Because they are act-
ing as if they were adults by this practice, they usually feel that
they have a right to talk back to adults who tell them ii is un-



18 QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRUGE

wise, dangerous, and harmful to their later lives. We hope our
correspondent is an exception, though the way she tosses aside
her mother’s advice would indicate otherwise.

Steady company keeping is only for those who have a right to
think about marrying within a reasonable time; who are free from
responsibilities that company keeping would interfere with; and
who are mature enough to recognize and resist the dangers that
go with company keeping. A 14 or 15 year-old girl in high school
fulfills none of these conditions. She shouldn’t and ordinarily

doesn’t want to think of getting married for a good number of

years. She should be occupied with the business of getting an ed-

ucation, and nothing can so thoroughly nullify her efforts in that

regard as the excitement of puppy love and the time wasted on

frequent dates. Above all, she is too young to be aware of the
danger of sin that is inherent in her own nature and that may be
presented by her equally immature boy friend in the close asso-

ciations of adolescent company keeping.
There is great need of a corps of young people of high school

age who will resist the all too common practice of regular dating
and steady company keeping. Such young people must be humble

enough to realize that their elders are not talking through their

hats nor adopting the roll of kill-joys when they advise against

the practice. They must know that while again America makes
light of it, true Christian principle condemns it.

(

6^5 + G>5



QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRIAGE 19

Secret Company"keeping

Problem: Is it wrong to continue to see a certain boy secretly

when your parents have forbidden you to go out with him? I am
21 years old and my father is quite wealthy. The boy I have been
going with comes from an ordinary family and he is working his

way through business college, hoping to obtain a good job when

he finishes. My mother and father argue that he will probably
never be able to provide for me as they have done all my life so
far. That is why they have forbidden me to see him. But I think
I am in love with him, and I don’t care if we do have to live on a
small income after he graduates. Of course I wouldn’t marry him

until then, but if I don’t see him in the meantime once in a while

I shall probably lose him. I’ve been having lunch with him now
and then when I’ve gone shopping, and I want to continue to do so.

Solution: Even though you are 21, with some right to decide

your own vocation in life, there is a presumption in favor of the
v/isdom of your parents’ requests and commands. That presump-

tion wiU yield only to clear indications that they are unreason-

ably interfering with the happiness of your future and the will of

God for you.

On the side of the wisdom of your parents is the fact that
ordinarily it is not easy for a girl who has had all the conveniences
and luxuries that wealth can provide to adjust her mode of living
to a much lower standard. Nor, ordinarily, can a girl be very
happy if, in order to marry, she has had to incur the displeasure

and lasting opposition of her family, especially if she has had a

pleasant and easy life with her family.

Only if a girl has a strong, spiritual character, a proven capacity

for mortification and sacrifice, and a great earnestness about her

task in life, should she consider a marriage that will mean giving
up much that she is accustomed to. Since it is pretty hard for you
to judge whether you have all these qualities, I suggest that you

obey your parents to this extent: tell the boy of your parents’
wishes and commands; tell him that in obedience to them you will
not see him for three months; during the three months test your-



20 QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRIAGE

self, by rather rigorous mortification, to learn how many of the
luxuries of your home you can do without; and at the same time
try to convince your parents, in all kindness, that they should

permit you to see the boy at least once in a while, on condition

that you will make no decision to marry him without talking it
over thoroughly with them.

Problem: I am 16 years old, and in my last year of high school.
My parents permit me to go out with boys only once a week, and
then they insist that I go out in the company of my older brother.
All the other girls of my age have dates as often as they like, and
I feel that I am old enough to go out like that too. I know the
dangers of going out, but I feel that I have to face them some-

time. Don’t you think my parents are too strict?
Solution: The chief reason you give for demanding that your

parents permit you to go out freely, viz., because other parents

let their daughters have all the dates they like, is not a good one.

I realize that it makes a young girl like yourself feel persecuted

when she cannot do what other girls are permitted to do; at the

same time, you must remember that if your parents were content

just to follow the example of other parents, they could let you find

your way into all kinds of trouble. There are too many weak and
foolish parents in the world today; too many whose example
would be the worst possible thing for your parents to follow.

Your question is, then, apart from what the other girls are

permitted to do, this: Should a high school girl of 16 be permit-

ted to go out with a boy (or boys) more than once a week, and

should she be permitted to do so without having a protective older

brother tagging along? To the first part of the question I would
say that once a week is a generous quota of dates for a high

school girl who wants to get some lasting good out of her high
school studies. If you go out two or three times a week, it is al-

most certain that you won’t do very well in your studies, and nev-

er in your whole life will you be able to make up for that. Further-

School



QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRIAGE 21

more, I would say that it would be very imprudent for you to go

out even as often as once a week if it were always with the same

boy. That would add greatly to the danger of sin and to the wast-

ing of time in high school. I know you will tell me that there are
dozens of girls who do this, and I will answer that by telling you
that there are dozens of high school girls who fall into sin and
wreck their characters and waste their education by steady com-

pany-keeping.

As to having your older brother with you on your dates, there
is much to commend this safeguard. High school girls and boys
are best off in crowds or, at least, groups of four or six. When
young people insist on their right to be alone with their dates,

there is a suspicion that they want to be free to do things that are

wrong, such as kissing, petting, etc. Your parents are pretty wise,

but I feel sure that if you convince them that you are not going

to permit any evil actions by any boy, they will let you go out

once in a while on your own.

Is Sixteen Too Young for Dates?

Problem: “In the December Liguorian a girl of 16 complains

about being permitted to have only one date a week. I too am 16,
but I am not permitted by my parents to go with boys at all, not
even to talk to them on a telephone. They will not let me go with
boys till I am 18. I hope to marry some day and have children,
but to do that I have to have boy friends. There are six in my
family already married and they are all happy except one, who
has nobody to blame but herself . . .”

Solution: The last statement in your letter indicates that the 18-

year old rule your parents have laid down has worked out pretty
well for your brothers and sisters. If five of them are happy in

marriage, and the 6th one having a tough time only through her

own fault, the chances are all in your favor for a happy marriage
under the parental plan.

You are too young, at 16, to be thinking of looking over the
crop of boys, on regular dates, in order to pick a partner for mar-



22 QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRIAGE

riage. At 16, your inexperienced emotions are liable to run away
with your reason, and before you know it you could find yourself
madly in love with somebody at whom, if you were 18, you would
take a second and a third and a tenth look before permitting your-

self to be madly in love. You might even feel that you had to
marry' a particular boy at 17 (in fact, you might have to marry

him at 17 to keep out of sin), and then by the time you were 18

you could be wishing you still had your freedom to choose a part-

ner more wisely.

If you answer that I seemed to O.K. the weekly dates of my
December correspondent, you should recall that I said that these

should be in company with other couples, and the dates should

not be with the same person continuously. In other words, a girl

of 16 should not take a chance on becoming too attached to any

boy because young love has its dangers and early marriage its

drawbacks. This is easier said than done if she goes in for dating;

it is easier done than said if she does no dating.

I should add, however, that you can spoil the value of your

parents’ rulhig entirely by letting it make you bitter or rebellious.
There is an old saying that only an obedient girl can become a

wise and prudent mother. You could ruin your character for any
vocation by pouting, talking back, feeling aggrieved and perse-

cuted. Forget marriage and boys for a while, and work on your

character and education, and 1’U prophesy a happier marriage

for you than for any of your dating and courting classmates.



QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRIAGE 23

Dates with Married Employers

Problem: “I have a job as private secretary of an executive in

a large company. It is a wonderful position and pays good wages.

My boss is a married man in his late thirties and I am 25. My
problem is that he is constantly asking me to go out to dinner
with him, which usually means going to a show afterwards and

spending the evening with him. I have done this once or twice,

but have not felt right about it. He has told me that he does not
get along too well with his wife, and that, therefore a little inno-

cent recreation with a girl like me cannot do any harm. He has
all but hinted lately that it is a part of my job to go out with him,
making me feel that if I don’t, he may look for somebody else to
work for him. Just what is my duty in this situation?”

Solution: You are face to face with a set of circumstances that
have been the occasion of the moral downfall of many a previously
decent girl. The pattern is much the same in these cases. It starts
with the hackneyed dodge of the married man that “his wife does
not understand him.” Then comes the devil’s suggestion that dat-
ing somebody else is a perfectly innocent pastime. If this is not

sufficient to break a girl down, economic pressure is used: “It is

part of your job—^your pay-envelope depends on it.” The end of
the story is usually the same, no matter how upri^t, trustworthy,
“decent-minded”, the employer seemed to be in the beginning.

The end is adultery in one form or another.

You are in danger not only from the obvious weakness of your
employer, but from your own. Your own heart can become in-
volved, his position of authority, his flattering attention to you, his

“pathetic” confidence in your ability to make up for his wife’s
shortcomings, can make you think you are in love with him. If
you don’t resist that, and aU occasions that may lead to it, you are
lost.

For the sake of your soul, your peace of mind, your future, I

beg you not to be deceived. There is no such thing as a married

man “iimocently” dating and running around with a girl other than
bis wife. It is not innocent at the start, even when it has not as



24 QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRIAGE

yet led to outright sins of sensuality, because he owes his compan-

ionship to his wife alone. And it will not be “innocent” of sinful
actions very long. Even if you may have to lose your good job,
as a price of your integrity, let him know that you cannot be
bought, as a companion for his wayward affections, at any price

Company^Keeping in the Late Thirties

Problem: I am thirty-eight years old and am keeping company
with a man who is a little past forty. We seem to get along won-
derfully well, in fact are in love, and he has spoken to me about
getting married. One thing has made me hesitate. If I marry at
my age, must I do so with the thought of possibly having a fam-
ily? I have heard and read that bearing children for the first time

in the late thirties is very dangerous. Must I face that danger? If

so, would it be wiser not to marry at all, or at least to wait for

several years?

Solution: One thing should be ruled out very clearly from the
start, and that is the thought of continuing your steady company-

keeping with the intention of not marrying at least for several

years. To do that, while being, as you say, in love, would be to
remain deliberately in a very proximate occasion of sin without

necessity. If for any reason you decide that marriage is out of

the question for eight to ten years, the only prudent thing to do is

to decide that close company-keeping should also be put off for

close to eight or ten years.

If you think about marrying, you must do so with the consid-

eration of the possibility that you may have children. It would be
gravely wrong to enter marriage with the idea of taking measures

to prevent yourself from ever having children; indeed, the marriage

would be an invalid one if you excluded from the contract the

very right to such actions as might result in your having children.

We do not think there is sufficient reason for you to be over-
fearful of the danger of child-bearing at your age. If a thorough

physical checkup reveals that you are in sound health, and if you

are sufficiently stable of mind not to permit imaginary fears to



QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRUGE 25

make you panicky, you should be able to face marriage and its

responsibilities with calmness and joy. This should be especially

easy if you possess solid religious principles and childlike confi-

dence in God. God’s interest in your welfare and His care of your

future may be counted on to balance any special difficulties that
may arise if you have a family. And remember always that only
God knows whether you will ever have a child. I would say: Get
married, but do so with uiu'eserved acceptance of all the respon-

sibilities of marriage, and with unshakable confidence in God.

Is Mixed Company^Keeping a Mortal Sin?

Problem: I am a Catholic nineteen years old and have a non-
Catholic boy-friend whom I like very much. Recently my father
told me that I must give this boy up because it is a mortal sin
for a Catholic to keep steady company with a non-Catholic. I am
sure that this cannot be true because if it is there are surely hun-

dreds of Catholics committing this mortal sin. My father reads
The Liguorian and I beg you to write the truth about this question

so that he will understand.

Solution: Your father is considerably nearer the truth than the
many young Catholics who are endangering their happiness and
their souls by mixed company-keeping, even though there are

some distinctions to be made in the matter.
Your father no doubt bases his statements on a principle that is

clearly set down in the Canon Law of the Catholic Church, accord-
ing to which Catholics are seriously forbidden to enter into mixed

marriages. The law goes on to state that this prohibition arises

from the divine law whenever there is danger of loss or lessening

of the faith of the Catholic, whenever there is danger that the

children of such a marriage will be deprived of a full Catholic

upbringing, and whenever there is danger of scandal or weakening

of the faith of others. (Experience proves that in most mixed mar-

riages some of these dangers are to be found.) But even apart
from these dangers which one may not deliberately encounter
without breaking the divine law, mixed marriages are forbidden to

Catholics by the universal ecclesiastical law.



26 QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRIAGE

Since mixed marriage itself is thus forbidden, the conclusion

can surely be drawn that, since company-keeping is only lawful

when it may be a preparation for a good marriage, mixed company-
keeping is unlawful for Catholics. There may be exceptions to this
general rule, but the exceptions can be based only on definite

reasons for which the Church grants dispensations for Catholics

to marry non-Catholics. Some of the exceptions would be based
on the following circumstances: 1) If a Catholic lives in an area

in which there are very few Catholics, so that there is little chance

of marriage except with a non-Catholic. 2) If a Catholic is well

past the ordinary years in which marriage is thouglit about, and

thus has greatly lessened chances of finding a partner for mar-

riage. 3) If a Catholic starts going with a non-Catholic who al-
most at once shows a sincere interest in the Catholic faith and thus

gives solid hope that he (or she) will become a Catholic, prefer-

ably before marriage or even engagement. In any case the com-

pany-keeping is forbidden if there is obvious danger to the faith

or morals or future children of the Catholic.

As a girl of nineteen, living in a city with a large Catholic pop-
ulation, you cannot defend your mixed company-keeping on either

of the first two counts. If you are on the sure way to making your
boy-friend a Catholic, you need only convince your father of that

and all will be well.

Wrong Company"Keeping

Problem: If you are in love and cannot possibly marry for a

number of years, is it better to give up the person you love or to

continue keeping company in the hope of eventual marriage? My
case is this. I got married during the first World War, and a few

years later my wife ran away and divorced me. Now 1 have met a
girl who, I believe, would make an excellent wife. I want to be

married as a good Catholic, by a priest, but have been told I can-

not because my first wife is still alive. I am 42 years old. I am
still determined to be married only by a priest. The girl wants

to wait until I am free. Should we continue to keep company un-



QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRIAGE 27

til something happens to make it possible for us to be married,
or should we separate?

Solution: There is a principle of Christian ethics that must be

applied directly to your case. The principle is this: Only they are

permitted to keep close and continuous company who are free to
marry within a reasonable and foreseeable time. The reason for

this is that company-keeping between a man and woman who are
attracted to each other ordinarily becomes a greater and greater

danger to their souls the longer it goes on. It is intended by na-

ture to lead, not to sin, but to marriage. If it cannot lead to mar-

riage, as in your case, it will almost surely lead to sin of one kind

or another. You are not permitted to risk so great a danger to sin
when you can escape it by giving up the company-keeping.

Having a lawful wife, even though divorced, you are not free

to marry within a reasonable or foreseeable time, and therefore,

the security of your soul demands that you forego company-keep-

ing till such time as you are free to marry again.

A second reason why you should not continue to keep company
with the girl is that, despite her expressed willingness to wait

for you, you are doing her an injustice by limiting her freedom to

go out with someone whom she could marry. It is also a sin of
scandal to keep her in the circumstances that can so easily lead

to sin, and of bad example to others in the same situation as you

are.

It must be remembered that the evil of adulterous thoughts,

intentions and actions is not changed by the fact that a married

man does not happen to be living with his wife. His marriage vow
binds him till death breaks it, and in the meantime he may not
think of another marriage or those things that led to marriage.



28 QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRIAGE

Sinful Company^Keeping

Problem: I cannot see the justice of your statement that com-

pany-keeping is lawful only when there is some prospect and in-
tention of marrying. I have a boy friend with whom I have been
keeping company for ten years. Neither of us cares to get married.

He does not want to be tied down to marriage and I do not want
to give up my job because I have no taste for house work or bear-
ing children. I suppose I should admit that we fall into sin now
and then, but we always go to confession afterward. Certainly we
have a right to each other’s companionship even though we do not
plan on ever getting married.

Solution: I am afraid I must be blunt in contradicting you. Un-
der the circumstances you describe you have no moral right to

keep company. Two things make it sinful. The first is the fact
that you have actually excluded the prospect of marriage from that

which is lawful only as a possible preparation for marriage. The

second thing' only multiplies the guilt you incur under the first

head; it is the fact that your company-keeping has become an

occasion of habitual sin.

It is practically certain, moreover, that your confessions are bad,

because a confession cannot be good unless there be sincere and

practical sorrow for sins confessed. Such sorrow is impossible un-

less there be a determination to give up unnecessary occasions of

sin. It is obvious that when you confess the sins committed with

your boy friend you have no intention of giving up the unneces-

sary occasion of those sins, which is keeping steady company with

the deliberate intention of never marrying.

It is one of the moral monstrosities of our day that there are

people who keep company for years, take to themselves the pleas-
ures that are lawful only in marriage, and yet exclude marriage

and its responsibilities from their thoughts and intentions. That it

is a monstrosity is evident in the fact that your own conscience
has become so dull to so fundamental a moral principle. I beg

you to pray hard for light and courage to see and do what is

right; to talk things over with your boy friend, and then, for the



QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRIAGE 29

sake of your immortal soul, to decide to give up company-keep-

ing or to plan on marriage soon.

On Blind Dates
Problem: What is your opinion of blind dates? My parents re-

fuse to let me go out with anybody unless I know something about
him beforehand. Some of my girl friends can go out with any-
body, whether they know the person or not. And often they call
me up and tell me they have a date for me, but I’m never al-
lowed to go out on such parties. How is a girl ever going to meet
someone she might have a chance to marry, if she can never get

acquainted with new people?
Solution: Experience proves that there is a great deal of danger

in blind dates, and that there is much wisdom in the policy pursued
by your parents. In these times it is difficult enough for a girl to

avoid dangerous and sometimes morally fatal entanglements even

when she does not take chances on dating with unknown and pos-
sibly designing characters.

You should be aware of some of the dangers that have always
been found to be connected with accepting blind dates. The utter

freedom that is permitted to your girl friends by their parents

makes it very possible that the source of their contacts with strang-

ers may be suspect. They probably meet such men hanging around
taverns, or public dance halls, or cocktail bars. This does not in-

fallibly mean that the men they meet are bad, but the chances are
high enough to render it foolhardy for a girl to rush out to spend

an evening with one of them.

Oftentimes such men are already married, are in town for a few
days, and are looking for girl companions with whom they can
have what they call “a good time”. And it is not uncommon for
such to lie about their marital status when looking for girls to take
out in a strange city. Often, too, they are divorced men, or men
who have made their own home life unhappy, who frequent the
taverns in quest of consolation or excitement through chance

contacts with girls who don’t care much what they do.



30 QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRIAGE

There are some blind dates that are not especially dangerous,

and I am sure that your parents would recognize such. If a rep-
utable friend, from a good family, has out-of-town relatives to en-

tertain, about whose background she knows something, it would

not be too imprudent to accept a date with one of them and to

make one of a party for the evening. ITie one thing that is im-
portant is that a girl have some positive knowledge that she is not

going out with a married man, a divorced man, or an unprincipled

man. She cannot know that if she accepts stone-blind dates with
strangers.

On Exclusive Dates
Problem: I am 17 years old, just graduated from high school,

and in my first year at college. I don’t want to get married until
I am at least 20, if then. I would like to go out with different boys
now and then, but I don’t want to be tied down to steady com-
pany-keeping. This seems to be all but impossible today. If I am
seen at a party with a certain young man, no one else will ask me
for a date unless it becomes publicly known that I have broken
up with that particlar boy. In other words, if you go out once or

twice with a certain boy, everybody else seems to think you are

already bound to that person for good. Do I have to either give
up dating boys entirely, or else stick to one during my whole col-
lege career?

Solution: We have heard complaints about this unfortunate so-
cial condition repeatedly. It is not a healthy thing at all. It is even

responsible for some unhappy marriages because the young peo-

ple involved had little chance to become acquainted with anybody

but the first partner they happened to take out.

The responsbility for this situation may be traced to the fact
that there is so much exclusive dating and regular company-
keeping among the very young, even in the early years of high

school. Some school authorities and even parents seem to think

nothing of permitting freshmen and sophomore high school stu-

dents to have their “steady dates.” Since that is so common, it is



QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRUGE 31

natural that many young people should feel that by the time a
person reaches college, he or she must have a “steady”, or must

want to make a “steady” of the first partner that comes along.
If you really are serious about not wanting to get married for

several years, and about making the most of your chance at ed-

ucation, the best thing by all odds would be to do very little

dating. If you go out often, even with different persons, you may
find yourself in love before you know it, no matter what different
plans you have laid. Giving up dates, which should not be too

difficult for a 17 year old freshman, would obviate all your wor-

ries about people taking it for granted that you are all but engaged

when you go put with a boy. If you do accept a few dates, you
should courageously “buck” the tradition that you have to stick

to one partner. Let each boy know that you are not starting any-
thing by going out with him; that you shall remain free to ac-

cept dates from others; and that you are not going to let anyone

“rush” you.

Should Engaged Girls Accept Dates?

Problem: I am engaged to be married to a good Catholic girl
and she has accepted my ring. However I am signed up for three
years in the Navy and will be away from home most of the time.
Now my fiancee has asked my permission to accept dates with
other men for special parties, dances, etc., while I am gone. I
don’t like the idea at all, but would like to know what you think of
it, and whether I should grant the permission.

Solution: There is something in your girl’s favor in the fact

that she asks you for the permission at all. The world is full of

scatterbrained, disloyal, unprincipled girls who would not even
think of asking their fiance about such a matter at all. They just

go ahead accepting dates, in the absence of their fiance, with any-

body who comes along. You may thank God you are not en-
gaged to one of these.

There is something against your girl’s character, however, in the

fact that she should want such a permission. Good Catholic girls.



32 QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRUGE

of whom there are many in the world, simply would not think of
doing any dating with others once they have been definitely en-

gaged. They realize that dating is for those who are free to marry;
that it is always a danger, even in the best of circumstances; that

it can lead to many complications for a girl who has already prom-
ised her hand and heart to a certain man. To the girl of high
character, therefore, it is no problem and no too great sacrifice to

accept no dates while her fiance is absent. Only the most extra-

ordinary circumstances, such as would readily be understood by

her partner, should make for an exception to this rule.
Of course, the expectation of a boy that his fiancee will not

accept dates must be accompanied by the promise that he will do

no dating either. If the boy intends to date while he is away from

home, or if he finds the opportunities to do so irresistible, he

should be consistent and not merely give the girl permission to date

other boys, but actually call the whole engagement off. Strictly

speaking, we can say that engagement means that two people say
to each other: “We are all through dating—except with each
other.”

Waiting for a Proposal

Problem: I am 27 years old and have been going with the same
man for four years. He has never done any serious talking about
our getting married, and yet he resents it very much if I even think
of going out with anybody but himself. He leaves me with the
impression that some day he will talk about marriage but at the

same time that that day will not be for a long time. I do not see

any serious obstacles to his settling down, but am at a loss to
know whether I should wait for him to get good and ready to
speak about marriage or give him up. Can you advise me?

Solution: This is far too common a problem in the world today,
even among Catholics. Let me tell you frankly a hidden factor
that is often present in the problem, though it would be very

wrong to assume that this factor is present in yours.

Very often experience proves that dilly-dallying with the idea



QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRIAGE 33

of marriage on the part of a man is due to the fact that he has
managed to induce a girl-friend into a more or less continuous

habit of sin, with the effect that he is sinfully living as if he were

married and yet retaining his independence and freedom from

lasting responsibility. As time goes on, he becomes more and more
enamored with his state, entirely content to indulge in forbidden

privileges and to put off any serious idea of marriage. This, of

course, represents the acme of selfishness and evil, but all sin is

selfishness, and selfishness grows incredibly with frequently re-

peated sins.

Apart from this angle, which always demands as a first and

elementary condition of solving the problem the complete renunci-

ation of sin on the part of the girl, there may be obstacles to mar-
riage in the mind of the man that must be overcome. He may think
he has not enough money, or that he has not a good enough job,

or that he owes it to his parents not to leave them for a long time

to come. A girl has a right, after going with a man for even less
than four years, to draw such objections out into the open and

to insist on their being discussed freely. She is in a good position

if she finds her friend jealous of her companionship, and should

use any expression of this as an occasion for discussing the fu-

ture. If he refuses to be definite about plans for the future, the

odds are that he won’t ever want to get married. In that case it

would be good to drop him.

Gys + 6^3



34 QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRUGE

Should an Engaged Girl Reveal Her Past?

PART I

Problem: I am engaged and looking forward to a very haj^py
marriage. But there is one doubt in my mind that seems to cast a
shadow over my happiness. Long before I met my fiance, I fell in-
to sin with another person. This has long since been confessed and

deeply repented. The doubt in my mind is whether I should tell
my husband-to-be about this previous fall. Is such a confession
necessary or even advisable for persons about to be married? I

dread the thought of it; but do not want anything to stand in the

way of our happiness.

Solution: It is neither necessary nor advisable to make a con-
fession of your past life to the man you are about to marry. You
made your confession through the priest to God, and your sin was
forgiven. The only lasting effect the sin should have on your life

is to keep you humble, grateful for the forgiveness you received,

and more and more dependent on God’s help to remain good.

But there is no reason for your revealing the past to anyone.

Sometimes a man who wants to marry a girl tries to insist that
she tell him whether she had ever in her life lapsed from virtue.

This is an unjust demand, an uncalled for probing into the secret

and sacred conscience of another. A girl has no obligation of mak-
ing a personal confession even in the face of such demands. In-

deed, she may even recognize in such demands a danger sign: they
may be motivated by an excessively jealous spirit that would
cause her great sorrow after marriage.

Even in the case that a boy or girl in love might suggest that
they make mutual confessions to each other, the idea should be
resisted and rejected. Lovers and engaged couples should be con-

tent to be able to say to each other that they cherish the grace of

God and freedom from sin above all other goods, and that they
will be loyal to each other for the whole of their lives. Moreover,

it is more important that they help each other to avoid sin in their
own pre-marriage association than that they worry about their
own or their partner’s repented past.



QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRIAGE 35

Should an Engaged Girl Reveal Her Past?

PART U

Problem: We are several girls in our late teens who would like
to disagree with an opinion you expressed several months ago.

You said that a man had no right to ask a girl whom he wanted
to marry whether she had previously fallen from virtue, and that

the girl had no obligation of admitting anything about her past

to her fiance. We think that if a man wants to know what kind of
girl he is marrying he should be allowed to ask her about her

past, and that she should honestly tell him. After all, it is impor-

tant to a man to know that he is marrying a good girl.

Solution: We are in perfect agreement with the statement that
it is important for a man to know that he is marrying a good girl.
It is the purpose of the period of company-keeping to provide a

man with assurance on this point, and equally so to provide the
girl with assurance that he is a good man. By going together for
several months, a man and woman can learn all they need to
know about the ideals and moral characters of each other, if both
are interested enough in this matter to look for and draw out

from the other the spiritual and moral principles that are con-

sidered of greatest importance. A girl who lacks character and
sound moral principles will not be able to hide her lack from a

man who really considers such things necessary for a happy mar-
riage. And a man who has not acquired solid virtue will clearly
manifest his weakness to a girl who realizes that without it a hap-

py marriage could not be hoped for.

This testing of each other’s characters on the part of a boy and
girl keeping company does not require open and complete revel-
ations of each one’s past. We have set it down, and we repeat,
that it is a general presumption that it is not wise for two people
preparing for marriage to make full confessions to each other. It
is not good for a man to demand of a girl whom he might ask to
marry him that she tell him whether or how she ever fell into sin
in the past. In our experience, we have found that most men who
insist on being told such things have had rather chequered careers



36 QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRIAGE

themselves, and have a leaning toward an unhealthy, not to say

morbid, kind of jealousy. There are exceptions, of course, and our

presumption, that in general it is best to leave the past buried,

leaves room for them.
It still remains possible, we believe, for a man to learn all" he

needs to know about a girl, even up to whether she has ever been
a sinner or not, without asking direct questions or demanding

revelations. And it is possible for a girl to learn through company-
keeping whether the man she is going with hates sin, loves virtue,
and is willing to face the sacrifices and responsibilties involved.

The sad thing is that so many are not interested in these supreme-
ly important matters.

Sex Experience before Marriage

Problem: I recently attended some lectures given at a secular

university on the subject of preparation for a happy marriage. In

one lecture it was stated that some sex experience before marriage

is necessary for happiness in marriage, on the ground that by ex-

periment one learns whether married life will be happy. Is there

any truth in this? I am not a Catholic, though I read your column,
and I feel that this sort of teaching can do an immense amount of

harm. Do you agree?
Solution: This sort of teaching has frequently crept into mar-

riage courses given to young people in secular colleges and uni-

versities today, and you are right about its being very damaging

to all who take it even half seriously. Both on religious and on
practical grounds it can be proved that any sort of sex-experi-

mentation before marriage is bound to result in unhappiness.

This should certainly be clear to every God-fearing, Christian

boy and girl. Impurity, the right name for “sex-experimentation”
before marriage, is a violation of nature and a transgression of

God’s law. It is an inexorable law of nature and a demand of the
justice of God that every sin must be atoned for, and most sins
are atoned for not only in the next world, but also in this. “The

wages of sin is death.” There are many forms of death by which



QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRIAGE 37

such sins are atoned for, and one of them is the death of that true

happiness, built on the love of God and obedience to His law, that
is looked for in marriage.

This religious truth is forcefully confirmed by experience. We
recall a statement made by the head of a modern marriage prob-
lem clinic, who professed no particularly strong religious convic-
tions. He said that his experience with the problems of married
people forced on him the conclusion that not one in a thousand

marriages that had been preceded by sex indulgence turned out

to be really happy; none turned out to be as happy as marriage

should be. It stands to reason that this should be so; the law of

chastity is so deeply engraved in the conscience that it cannot be

violated without major repercussions on the whole personality,

nor without spoiling the whole relationship of marriage.

Marriages do suffer, sometimes, from ignorance on the part of

husband or wife. Even before marriage, all ignorance about mar-
riage should be removed by proper instruction. But sin is nevei

a good or prudent preparation for anything.

Second Marriage

Problem: I am a widow, thirty-one years old, with two chil-
dren. Before my husband died two years ago I promised him that
I would never marry again. I did that of my own accord because
I loved him so much and we had been so happy together. He never
asked me to make the promise, and only smiled when I did so.
Now in the past few months I have been going out with a single
man of 35, and I already know that if I continue to go with him,
he will ask me to marry him. I want to keep my promise to my
husband because I feel bound by it, but at the same time I find it
awfully difficult to think of giving up this new friendship. Can
you advise me?

Solution: There are two things to be considered in solving this

problem for yourself. The first one is this, that if you were un-
equivocally determined to carry out your promise and to remain

single, it would be obligatory upon you not to enter into company-



38 QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRUGE

keeping at all. The reason is that you would be in danger of fall-

ing into serious sin if, on the one hand, you were prepared to re-

sist all inclinations and invitations to marry again, and at the same

time you were making it possible for yourself to fall deeply in love.

It has been said here frequently that regular company-keeping is

lawful only if there be a possibility of its ending in lawful mar-

riage. If you yourself exclude the possibility of marriage from

your future, you must go the whole way and exclude regular com-
pany-keeping as well. If you do not, you shall suffer mentally,

physically, and probably morally.

The second thing to be considered is the fact that adherence to

your promise, under the changed circumstances of the present,

may prove to be very foolhardy and imprudent, because of your
relative youth and evident inclination toward male companionship.

Unless you are motivated by deep spiritual principles, fortified by

strong spiritual habits, and are willing to live a more or less se-

cluded life for the love of God and for the sake of your children,
the next ten years may be very difficult ones for you, unless you
accept an invitation to marry again.

If you are a Catholic, the best thing to do is to lay your case

before a confessor and permit him to decide for you. After ques-

tioning your motives and studying your character for a while, he

will be able to tell you whether you may be freed from the prom-
ise you made, and whether to marry again may not be the will of
God for you.



QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRIAGE 39

Age Differences for Marriage

Problem: “Does ten years’ difference in age make happiness in
marriage difficult? I am twenty years old and I have been going
with a man who is thirty. My parents are furious about this, say-
ing that I cannot possibly be happy with a man so much older
than myself. He wants to marry me, and I am in love with him,
but I am all confused because of my parents’ attitude. They read
The Liguorian like I do, and if you answer my question in it, may-
be it will do some good. I know I will surely consider what you
have to say.

Solution: All other things being favorable to a happy marriage,

ten years of difference in age, especially at your particular ages

and when the man is the older person need not be an obstacle to
your happiness in marriage. We know of many happy marriages
with as much and more difference in age between the man and the
woman.

Note the condition, however, that all other things must be fa-

vorable to a happy marriage. Are you quite sure that the only
objection your parents have to this marriage is based on age? I

can think of some circumstances that could make the age differ-
ence important.

For example, if the man is not of your faith, I would be very
slow to tell you that age makes no difference. You are young
enough not to need to rush into this marriage as if it were your

last chance; indeed, if the age difference were even less, I could

give you many arguments against the possibility of happiness in
such a marriage. If this man is ten years older than you are, he
will almost certainly be very unincUned to take seriously your

religion, as you must want any prospective husband to take your

religion seriously; he may even be inclined to dictate to you about
religion. If there were any evidence of such a possibility, and your

parents may be able to see that better than you can, I know that
any responsible Catholic would advise you against the marriage.

Another example: If your thirty year old friend has succeeded

in drawing you into habits of sin, you have a very poor chancy



40 QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRIAGE

of happiness in marriage with him. This would be a sign that he

has grown to thirty without acquiring habits of virtue and self-

control, and it is not likely that he will acquire these things after

you marry him.

But if you are both Catholics, truly in love, and both eager to

avoid sin and aware of the serious responsibilities of marriage, I

would say that you may, with excellent prospects of happiness,

think of marriage. May this statement convince your parents of
what their attitude should be.

Approval of Divorce Before Marriage

Problem: “I am engaged to a non-Catholic man, and the other
day he mentioned (for the first time) the fact that he believes in

divorce. He said that he did not expect our marriage ever to break
up, but that he was convinced that when any marriage did not

turn out to be happy, the persons should be allowed to separate

and made free to try marriage with someone else. As a Catholic,
I know that true marriage has to be permanent, and that there
can be no such thing as a valid marriage after a divorce. My
question is: Do you think I can take a chance on marrying a man
with the views expressed above?”

Solution: The chance you take in marrying such a man is very
great. As a matter of fact, if he were to apply his thought about
divorce directly to your own marriage, and expressly to state that
he was not entering into a permanent and indissoluble union, but

into one that could be dissolved by divorce if and when he wished
to have it dissolved, your very marriage would be invalid. His very

consent to marriage in that case would be vitiated. However, if he

did not expressly apply his approval of divorce to your marriage,

but actually consented to take you as his wife “till death”, the

marriage would be valid. But it would still be one in which your

chances of happiness and security would be very meagre.
There is nothing more essential to happiness in marriage than

an exclusion of even a theoretical approval of divorce. The man
yvho approves of divorce for unhappy marriages can, after a few



QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRIAGE 41

years of married life, think of a hundred reasons for saying that

his marriage is unhappy. He can be attracted to a new face. He
can rebel against the expense of raising his own children. He can
accuse his wife of having faults he never knew of before marriage.

He can get into a rage over some fancied grievance and stalk out
of the house forever. Also, a man who approves in general of di-
vorce, will almost surely approve of other things (birth-control,

for example) that are contrary to God’s laws and to the con-

science of a Catholic.

My advice would, therefore, be that if you cannot succeed in
changing his general attitude about divorce, you should not take

a ehance on marrying this man. The natural law concerning di-

vorce and remarriage, and concerning other crimes against mar-

riage, is not too difficult to explain, and many non-Catholics ac-
cept the explanation and agree with it once it is given. But if your

boy friend does not accept the explanation or refuses to agree

with it, don’t take a chance with him. It is the wife who pays
most, in a marriage in which the husband has doubts about indis-

.solubilitv.

On Drinking on Dates
Problem: “I go around with a group of young people (we are

all in our late teens), and most of them like to take a drink. So

far I have held out against this because my mother doesn’t want
me to drink. But my boy friend, and the other couples we go with,
keep urging me to join them. They say that they don’t overdo it,
and that there is no danger of my over-doing it in their company.
They tell me that if I am afraid of it, I am just the one who may
become an alcoholic some day. What do you think of drinking on
dates? Most of the time they drink beer, but sometimes one of
the boys brings a pint of whiskey along when we go out together.”

Solution: You could do nothing better than to continue to solve
this problem for yourself on the basis of the wishes and commands
of your mother. Certainly, apart from everything else, you are
right in thinking more of the importance of your mother’s wishes
than of the arguments offered you by your drinking friends.



4? QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRIAGE

Apart from the angle of obedience, there is no doubt that it is

exceedingly dangerous for teen-agers to drink on their dates.

First of all, because you are at an age when such stimulants to
good feeling and a good time are least necessary. If you acquire

the habit of drinking now, when you could have such a wonder-
ful time without it, you may find that a little later in life, when
problems and responsibilities face you, you may not be able to
get along without it. It is not necessary to overdo drinking in your

youth to become dependent on it. And the chances of your be-
coming an alcoholic are far greater if you drink in your teens than

if you were to wait until you reached a greater degree of maturity.

It is also dangerous to make drinking a part of your dates be-
cause there is a definite connection between the effects of alcohol

even in moderate quantities, and the relaxing of your moral con-

victions. By usually going out with other couples, you are ward-
ing off some of the dangers that attend company-keeping. But you

will not always go out with a group. If you drink with the group

you will probably drink with your boy-friend when you are on a

date alone with him. On everj' date you need clear vision of good
and evil and undeviating control of your will. Drink lessens both.

It has been responsible for many a girl’s grief in the past. Don’t
let it hurt you, by not letting it touch you.

Marriage Without Children

Problem: I am 20 years of age, and am to be married in June
I have a very serious problem. My fiance is making about $130 a
month and I am making about the same. You can see that after
we are married we shall both have to work to make ends meet. I
have heard so much about birth-control that it has been worry- .
ing me terribly. We are both Catholics and do not want to prac-
tice birth-control. We want to have children, but I can’t see how
we can for at least two years. How could my future husband sup-
port any children, let alone myself, on $130 a month? As to
putting off our marriage, we have been going together for two
years, and recognize the danger of waiting any longer.



QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRIAGE 43

Solution: Tliis problem has worried many a young couple about
to be married. Some it has led into habits of sin against marriage
from the very beginning. It is for all such couples that this answer

is given.

The issue is very clear. On the one hand you have an opportuni-
ty to obey a grave law of God when this is difficult, and in so do-
ing to trust yourselves to His loving and provident care, to rely

on the friendship with Him that you will thereby win. On the
other hand you may foolishly decide on a certain period of serious
disobedience to God, thereby renouncing any help that God could
give, inviting His punishments, and trusting only in yourselves

and your sins to provide for your future.

The folly of the latter course becomes clear from many angles.
A couple about to be married do not know whether God will let
them have children. They do not know whether they will live long
enough to have children. They do not know in what strange and
unusual ways God might raise their economic status before a baby
could be bom. They should know, if they are Christian, that God
is all powerful, infinitely loving toward His friends, intensely in-

terested in their marriages, incapable of permitting any cross or

trial to afflict them without a wise reason. They should know that
without God they are helpless, and that they choose to do with-
out God by adopting practices of birth-control.

Together the couple in our case is making about $260 a month.

Even if she becomes pregnant at once, the wife ordinarily would

be able to continue working for four or five months. Before a

baby comes, the husband should be able to get a raise or two in

salary, or to find a better paying job. They should be able to save

something out of their combined salaries. For any uncertainty that

remains, they should have a fund of confidence in God that leaves
sin out of the question. To start married life with sin is to make a
failure out of marriage from the beginning.

GV9 GK)



44 QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRIAGE

Catholic GirFs Quandary

Problem: “I am engaged to be married. My boy friend is not
a Catholic, but he consented to go with me to my pastor to make
arrangements for our wedding. When he found out from the priest
that he would have to promise that all our children would be

brought up as Catholics, he told me that he would never sin-
cerely make such a promise. Now he wants me to marry him be-
fore a justice of the peace. I love him dearly and cannot give him

up. Isn’t there something I can do about this?”

Solution: What should be done to meet a situation of this kind
should have been done long before the impasse arose, long before

any promises of marriage were given. The very fact that you don’t
know what to do indicates quite clearly that you entered upon
company-keeping and permitted yourself to be propelled towards

marriage without any clear. Catholic sense of proportionate val-

ues. Now the fact that you are in love makes you want to find
some way out of the duty you owe to God.

For either of two reasons a courageous and well-informed Cath-

olic girl would tell the boy in your case that she could not marry

him. The first reason is that he insists that she abandon a principle

that must be rooted in the conscience of every Catholic girl, viz.,

that she must transmit her faith to her children. The second rea-

son is that he wants her to enter what would be an invalid mar-

riage for her. To give in to a fiance on either of these points is
fatal to the soul of a Catholic.

A truly Catholic girl has such dangers as these in mind from
the outset of her friendship with any man. She does not easily en-

ter into company-keeping with a non-Catholic because of them.

If she does start going with a non-Catholic, having a good reason

for so doing that is stronger than the advice of the Church, she

lets him know from the outset how firm is her own faith and how
impossible for her is any compromise of its principles. She tries

to transmit some of her convictions, and their logical foundations,

to her boy friend. If she finds him indifferent to all religion, or
opposed to her religion, she becomes aware at once that mar-

riage to him would be most unhappy.



QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRIAGE 45

The great tragedies of life begin with statements like yours.

What you are really saying is this: “I am in love with a man. I
must abandon God to possess him. Can’t you suggest something
that will let me have this man anyway?”

On Stealing Another Man^s Girl
Problem: “Very briefly, my difficulty is this: I am very much

enthralled by a girl who is engaged to another young man. I am
currently trying to convince her that she has made a misfake and
should break her engagement. I met her, after having known her
in high school several years ago without paying any attention to

her, at a recent reunion. I asked her for a date the following Mon-
day. Before Monday came she informed me that she had just ac-
cepted an engagement ring from another fellow. Despite that fact,

I started a routine of courtship—roses, telephone calls, visits at
her home, etc. I think she is confused and not too sure of herself

about marrying this other man. I also think I could do better for

her than he could. I badly need advice, and I think she does too.

I am 23 years old, and she is 20.”

Solution: Most people would roundly condemn you for “poach-
ing”, i.e., trying to take a girl away from the man to whom she is
engaged. Indeed, a first glance at your problem indicates that you

are doing a moral injustice to the man who has already courted
the girl and won from her a promise of her hand and heart in
marriage.

Only two circumstances could mitigate your brashness in some
degree. The first would be if you had real, objective, almost cer-
tain evidence of the fact that the girl is not happy in her engage-

ment or would really be unhappy in marriage to the man to whom
she is promised. There is danger that your own infatuation may
make you invent such evidence. Furthermore, your own favors
may have been the only thing responsible for making her begin
to doubt the wisdom of accepting a ring from someone else. In
either case you haven’t a leg to stand on.

The other circumstances that might lessen the degree of injus-



46 QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRIAGE

tice in your conduct is if the girl herself were directly and express-

ly to open the field to candidates for her hand once more. For a

sound and solid reason a girl may break an engagement, or insist
that she and a boy friend go back to the status quo that existed

before they agreed on future marriage. Only if the girl in ques-

tion does this, may you continue to pursue her. As long as she is
willing to remain bound by her engagement, you have to smother,

under your sense of honor and fair play, your infatuation. At 23,
you need not fear that the loss of this girl will make you a bach-
elor for life.

Problem: My boy-friend, whom I have promised to marry,
wants me to elope with him because of the opposition of our fam-
ilies to our getting married in the near future. I am 17, have just
finished high school, and my family tells me I’m too young to get
married. My boy-friend’s family tells him that he is not making
enough money to get married. He is 20, and he works in a factory
where he is paid $1.25 an hour, which brings him $50 a week and

more when he works overtime. I am terribly in love with him, and
am almost agreed that the best thing for us to do is to leave our
homes without saying anything to anybody and get married at

once. What do you think?

Solution: Experience is heavily weighted against your having a

happy marriage with such a start as you contemplate. Even sec-
ular marriage counselling agencies, which keep statistics on such

things, will tell you that marriages that begin with elopement have

the least chance of success.

Elopement is a bad beginning for married life for many rea-
sons. First of all, it means a sharp and bitter break with your

family, and no matter how much you may think you don’t need
your family now, you will, as time goes on, feel deeply the sep-

aration you have caused. At your age especially, an elopement
would be a combination of selfish mistrust of your parents, of

meanness in depriving them of a chance to share in your wedding



QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRIAGE 47

joy, and of an element of disobedience because you are so young.

Even if they were to forgive you later on, they could never feel

quite the same toward you as they did before.

As a Catholic, you should know that an elopement, with speedy
marriage following, is out of the question. (I hate to think that

you may be contemplating a civil marriage, with all its disastrous
consequences for your soul.) As a Catholic, you have to go to
your pastor in good time, have to be instructed in the duties of

marriage, have to permit the banns of marriage to be published,

etc. Of course there is provision made for special cases in which
there is an important reason for secrecy or haste. But so often this

reason has to do with sin that a young girl who marries hastily and
in secret gives grounds for the suspicion that “she had to get mar-

ried.”

From this distance, it would appear that your parents and your
boy-friend’s parents are advising you wisely. You can check this
with your pastor or confessor, who will be influenced by no per-
sonal motives in advising you, and who will help you to get mar-
ried before too long if that turns out to be the prudent thing to do.

But put out of your mind any thought of an elopement.

On Reluctant Mothers

Problem'. I am just over 21, and am engaged to be married to
a good Catholic young man. We have been going together for
eight months. We would like to be married in a month or so, but
my mother begs me with tears to put it off for a couple of years,
so that she will have me with her that much longer.. She tells me
that I owe this to her for all that she has done for me. Can you
tell me if I do have any obligation to put off our marriage for
two years because of my mother’s feelings?

Solution: It could be a grave mistake to put off your marriage

for even a year merely because your mother wants your compan-

ionship. Common sense and experience lay down very definite
principles regarding the length of time young people should wait
before marrying, once they have become engaged. There are some



48 QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRIAGE

cases in which a wait is necessary for serious reasons, such as the

actual material dependence of others on the man or woman, or
the lack of even a modest income on which to start a home. These

exceptions do not change the universal principle that long en-

gagements are to be avoided whenever possible. The longer^two
people who are in love with each other put off their marriage, the
greater is the danger of their falling into sin. To be in love and
engaged and yet to have to wait two years or so before marrying

places a great strain on young people’s ability to resist manifesta-

tions of affection that of their nature endanger the virtue of chas-

tity.

Mothers who hate to lose their daughters do not think of these
things. But a daughter must think of them and must decide the

matter according to the best interests of her soul and the soul of

her fiance. In a situation such as is presented here, a girl would

do weU to place the decision in the hands of her confessor. He will
be able to judge objectively both the reasons for the mother’s re-

luctance fo give up her daughter for a while, and the degree of

spiritual danger that will be involved for the engaged couple. If he

decides that the marriage should not be put off for another year

or two, his authority should be quoted to the mother, and should

be followed even though the latter bitterly resents it.

Does Religion Matter in Marriage?

Problem: I am keeping company with a non-Catholic boy, and
cannot understand why everybody is making a fuss about it. He
is better morally than many a Catholic boy I have gone out with.
He says he fs not interested in my religion, nor in any religion,
but he is perfectly respectful toward what I believe. I like him and

he likes me, and we have talked informally about getting married.
And no matter what anyone says, I feel certain that ours would be
a happy marriage. Wouldn’t you agree that a man’s character,

his respect, his love for a girl, are more important than religion?

I am 21 years old, old enough, I think, to judge these things.
Solution: A 21 year old girl is far from being a capable judge



QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRUGE 49

of what makes a happy marriage from all the angles that must be

considered in this matter.

There are two phases to marriage. The first is the phase of love,

courtship, physical and mental attraction, etc. In this phase, noth-

ing seems important to young people other than their sentiments

and emotions toward each other. They have no way of knowing

what they will feel like ten years later, and no way of knowing
what moral and personal problems will arise in the course of time.

The second phase of marriage starts within a year or two years

or five years after the wedding, when sentiment and emotion have
simmered down, and the couple have to rely on a deeper sense of

unity than feeling. Only the experience of older people can tell

youngsters just getting married what problems will arise after this

second phase has set in. Perhaps by that time there are two or

three children. The non-Catholic husband believes that birth-con-
trol is now called for. The Catholic wife knows that it is wrong.
She will do one of two things: either compromise her conscience

and give in to evil; or keep up a running battle with him over this
serious moral issue. Either course means friction and sorrow. This

one example is symbolic of a hundred impasses that can arise, and

that have arisen in multitudes of marriages.

Above all, the 21 year old girl who sees no harm in marrying a
man who has no interest in religion is potentially forfeiting the
faith of her potential children. She may do everything possible her-
self to mold her children in her faith; yet the example of her hus-
band will be a standing and powerful example against her teaching.

Doubtful Freedom to Marry

Problem: I am keeping company with a man who was married
before and is now divorced. At the time of his marriage and di-
vorce he was not a Catholic, but now he wants to become one.
We feel that there may be hope of having his first marriage de-
clared invalid. Is it wrong to go out with such a person, in the

hope that we may get married in the Church some day?
Solution: Clear thinking and firm action are required in all



50 QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRIAGE

cases of this kind, which are not few in number today. Here are

the principles that must govern your whole attitude in this matter.

1. It is wrong to continue close company-keeping with a man
whose freedom to marry you is in doubt. The reason is this: com-

pany-keeping can lead to love—a love so strong that eventually
you might find yourself not caring whether your friend is free to

marry or not, and willing to pretend marriage to him even at the

cost of your immortal soul. Or, if you retain faith and courage

enough to resist an attempted marriage, it will very probably lead

you into serious and frequent sin.

2. Therefore, as soon as you learn that a man who seeks your
company has been married and divorced, you are bound at once

to find out certainly whether there are solid grounds for his being

declared free to marry by the Catholic Church. You may not
dawdle along with your company-keeping on the probability that

he might be declared free, or with a doubt in your mind about his

freedom. By so doing you would be throwing yourself into an oc-
casion of casting aside your faith, your soul, and heaven. That is

why you must get all the facts about his previous marriage and go
to a priest at once and find out whether the facts warrant the as-

sumption that you can validly marry him in the future.

3. A Catholic girl who is being courted by a divorced man
must, as she loves God and desires to save her soul, bolster her
will to a complete readiness to give him up immediately if she

learns that there is little or no chance of marrying him validly.

This is another reason why she is bound to get the facts, and a
priest’s judgment about the facts, early in her acquaintanceship

with him. The earlier she ascertains his standing as to marriage,
the easier it will be to give him up if that proves necessary.

It is difficult to be sympathetic with Catholic girls who have kept
company with a divorced man for a year or two, fallen deeply in
love, and who then come to a priest begging that he do something
to help them get married. The investigation should have been made
at the very start of the friendship and a decision made then.



QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRIAGE 51

In Love With a Divorced Man

Problem: In the April issue of last year you stated that a Cath-

olic girl is obliged to find out as quickly as possible whether a

man who asks her for dates is free to marry. That statement made
me angry. Find out! Great! But how? Three years ago I met a
very nice young man. The second time I saw him, he told me he
had been married and divorced. I discovered that I liked him

very much, so I went to our pastor to see whether the man could
be declared free to marry me. He took instructions and has become
a Catholic. Since then (three years ago), though we have filled
out innumerable papers, no decision has been given by the Church.

Surely this is no fault of ours. The Church preaches against the
danger of long courtships and then leaves us right in the midst

of that danger. And the idea that the final answer to our petition
may be “No” leaves me panic-stricken. What am I to do? We both
have gone through much sorrow and trouble before we met, and
we wonder why we are not entitled to a little happiness.

Solution: This is going to hurt, but it should be like the hurt of

a necessary operation. When I said that a girl should find out
whether a man who wants to keep company with her is free to
marry, I neither said nor implied that all she has to do, in the case

of going with a divorced man, is to drop the problem in a priest’s

lap; that she might then let herself become deeply involved and

practically committed to marriage.

When I said “find out whether a divorced man is, for some val-
id reason, free to marry” I meant “get the answer to the question,”

not merely present the question to a priest and act as if it’s all

settled in your favor.

This is a matter on which too many Catholics need instruction
and frequent reminders. The Catholic Church presumes every
marriage to be a valid marriage unless objective proof is available

that it was invalid. The Church is the protector of the marriage
bond. Her whole history and organization have been geared to
uphold the indissolubility of marriage. She will not be rushed into

declaring a marriage invalid so that the person involved can



52 QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRUGE

marry again if the evidence for invalidity is not compelling. Cases

run on for years just because such evidence is lacking.

Your argument that, because you have suffered a great deal,
you are now entitled to some happiness, has nothing to do with the
case. The Church was founded by Christ to lead you to the hap-
piness of heaven, and to fortify you for suffering loneliness, hard-

ships, even martyrdom in behalf of that goal. Sure, she wants you

also to have as much happiness as possible in this world, but on-
ly within the framework of obedience to God’s laws. She has no

power to set aside or treat lightly those laws for the sake of your

temporal happiness.

On Marrying a Relative
Problem-. Several years ago I fell in love with my second cou-

sin. We had planned to be married by my parish priest (with a
dispensation), but my mother was so violently opposed to the
idea that I could not even talk to her about it. Finally I called off

the engagement. Several months ago I met a young man in the
armed forces, and we started going together until he was sent
overseas. I am very fond of him and we correspond regularly.
Meanwhile I see my cousin now and then and I know he is still
in love with me. I feel guUty about having hurt him. Do you think
I am still in love with him, or did I do the right thing in breaking
off our engagement?

Solution-. It is always good to escape from a situation in which

you have to apply for a dispensation from the general laws gov-

erning marriage. There are serious reasons behind the law that

prohibits relatives (second cousins or closer) to marry. A wed-
ding between cousins is not quite a normal wedding, and though

the Church does grant a dispensation for such in exceptional cases

and for grave reasons, she does so with reluctance, preferring to

see her children marry without seeking exceptions to the natural

and ecclesiastical law.

Things have turned out so well for you that you have reason to

be grateful that obstacles prevented your marriage to a cousin.



QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRIAGE 53

Your feeling for the latter is now more one of sympathy and pity
than of real love. You should not accept any dates with him, be-
cause that would only make things difficult both for him and you.
You are bound to see him when there is a gathering of relatives,
but on such occasions you should avoid as much as possible, tete-
a-tetes and sad reminiscences. You need have no fear that his life
will be ruined as a result of your broken egagement. Just as you

have been fortunate enough to find a new boy friend, so he, in
time, will find someone whom he can love and will want to marry.
Neither of you will then have to go through life with the thought

that you broke through the barriers that nature has set up to pre-

vent close relatives from marrying each other.

Choice of Loves

Problem: I am in love. The man I love is wonderful. I have
never met anybody like him. Other men with whom I have gone
out have almost invariably made indecent advances; this man
never has. He respects my religion and would do nothing to lessen
my regard for it. He even says he would like to become a Cath-
olic. There is only one drawback to my happiness. He was mar-
ried before in the Protestant Church in which he was baptized. I

promised to marry him because surely God will not condemn us
when we need each other so badly.

Solution: It is good that you have written to me so that I can
answer shortly before Christmas. You say you have already made
your decision. This means that Christmas is not for you. You have
renounced it and rejected it, and none of its beauty or joy can have

any meaning for your soul.

You say that “God will not condemn you because you need each
other so badly.” Despite your feelings, God has already condemned
you. He who left heaven and gave up warm houses, soft clothing,
even honor and respectability, and ultimately His life, to save you

for heaven, has already pronounced sentence on a decision like
yours. He called marriages such as the one you have promised to
attempt “adulterous”. And He said that there will be no unre-
pentant adulterer in heaven.



54 QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRUGE

Therefore, take, if you will, the benefits of this attractive in-

valid marriage. But know what you are taking. You will never,
so long as you live with this forbidden partner, be able to go to

confession and receive God’s forgiveness for this or any other sin.

You will never be permitted to kneel at the altar railing and re-
ceive the Son of God into your heart. You will never be able to
look at a crucifix and say; “He died for me; therefore I will love
Him and He wUl save me,” — because you are rejecting Him
by your bad marriage. And there will be no “good tidings of great
joy” for you on any Christmas, because what Christ came to give

to those of good will, you will have exchanged for a home in which
God cannot dwell.

It is not worth it, child. I know it is hard for a girl to give up a
man whom she loves greatly. But so was the stable hard, and the
manger and the cross. You don’t need any particular man in all
the world. You do need God—^the God-Man—and you will need
Him forever. Don’t give Him up for any love.

On Reading Books about Sex
Problem: Is it lawful or advisable for engaged couples to read

one or the other of the many books that are published about sex
and the details of married life before they are married? My boy
friend and I have heard our non-Catholic friends talking about

such books, and have even been offered one by a friend. He thinks
we should read it because so much is said nowadays about the
harm done by ignorance in the married. I have held off because I
had my doubts about such books, and wanted first to ask you to
discuss the matter in your column.

Solution: This much can be said as certain: It would be ex-
ceedingly dangerous, so much so as to be wrong, for an engaged
couple to read any books on sex that might be offered to them by

a friend. On no type of writing must more caution and discrim-
ination be exercised than on books dealing with matters of sex.

There are too many bad books of this kind, books that teach im-
moral practices, books that stress the importance of the physical



QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRIAGE 55

aspects of sex far out of proportion to their real place and purpose

in human lives, to make it lawful for even engaged couples to pick
up and read any book about sex.

Another thing that is certain: There should be no thought of

any sort of special study, or reading or discussion of sex science

until very shortly before actual marriage. This is assuming that a

young man and woman have the ordinary, general knowledge of
the purpose of sex and of sex morality that is a part of any decent

education. If, as happens once in a while, that much is lacking, a
general briefing on the subject should be sought from a priest.

But to read detailed, or so-called “scientific” books before mar-

riage would be foolhardy and wrong.

It is not wrong, but rather reasonable and even necessary, for

an engaged couple to seek clear knowledge of the privileges and

duties, the rights and wrongs, of married life, shortly before their

marriage. The priest who prepares them for marriage has an ob-
ligation to impart such instruction. If he fails to offer it, a couple

should ask for it, or go to another priest to receive it. He may
direct them to sound and good reading matter that will supple-

ment the instruction he gives and help to prepare them for happy

married life.

Problem: Is there any obligation that one member of a large
family sacrifice his or her life to the care of the parents in their

old age? I am thinking of the case in which the parents are finan-
cially independent, but partially, not totally, disabled by old age.

Some parents insist that one son or daughter stay with them, giv-
ing up any thought of marriage or a vocation of their own. Others

whom I have known are willing to make any sacrifice to have all
their children follow some vocation, even though it leaves them
entirely alone. The question has been raised in our own family
and I wish to know what is right.

Solution: In the case as given, in which the parents are finan-

cially independfent, thus presumably able to provide whatever

Parents



56 QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRUGE

care they need themselves, the true Christian attitude is that of

those who want to see every one of their children established in
their own vocation, even though it means sacrifice and something
of loneliness for themselves. It would not be wrong, of course,

for one of the children to choose to make a vocation out of staying
with the parents, thus freely sacrificing opportunities for marriage

and a home of their own. This would be a form of charity and
sacrifice worthy of high praise, so long as the one who adopted it
based it on spiritual motives, accepted the sacrifice without later

grumbling and complaining, and cultivated a solidly spiritual life.

But such a sacrifice would not be of obligation in the case men-

tioned, and parents should be most highly commended who would
urge that it be not made.

There are frequent examples of selfishness and even interfer-

ence with God’s evident plans on the part of parents. Thus, those

who, in no great physical need and financially secure, refuse to

permit a son or daughter to follow a priestly or religious vocation

because they won’t give up their companionship, would even do

wrong. The same would be true of parents not in need who would
prevent the marriage of a son or daughter in love and desiring to

marry, just because they don’t want to be left alone.

The case is different entirely if the parents are destitute and
helplessly ill. In that case some kind of an obligation arises among
the children to take care of the parents. Even in this case, how-
ever, it can sometimes be arranged that, through the cooperation

of all, the parents can be taken care of and none of the children

prevented from following an evident vocation.

GfS + GfS



QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRIAGE 57

Should a Girl Marry for her Reputation?

Problem: Should a girl who has fallen into sin and thus become
pregnant insist on marrying the man who was her companion in
sin? Should those who have influence over her insist that this be
done to salvage her good name and to provide both a mother and

a father for the child? I am a social worker, and come into con-
tact with these cases every now and then. Is there any general
rule to be followed?

Solution: The one general rule that can be set down is that the
decision to marry or not to marry should not be made by such a
girl solely on the ground that the marriage would (doubtfully)

save her good name and provide a home for the expected baby.
The preservation of her good name would be little comfort to a
girl if this were effected by entrance into a marriage that could

be foreseen to have little chance of success. Moreover the pro-

viding of a home for an expected baby would be of little ad-
vantage if there were little possibility that it would be a good and

happy home.

Therefore each case of this kind must be decided according to

the circumstances connected with it. If the circumstances reveal

that there are good prospects of the marriage turning out suc-

cessfully, it should be recommended. This would require, of course,

that the man in the case show some solidity of character, true
repentance for his lapse into sin, readiness to assume the respon-

sibilities of marriage, etc. It would also require that the couple

love each other sufficiently to be good companions and help-

mates. It need hardly be added that both must be free to marry

validly.

If the circumstances make it clear that a marriage between the
two would have little chance of success, because of the weak char-
acter of the man, his lack of sound morals, his obvious inability

to support a family, or because, as quite often happens, the girl

has come to feel an antipathy for him, or is herself too immature
to take up the duties of marriage, then there should be no thought
of urging marriage. Even though the ideal thing is that every child



58 QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRIAGE

born into the world have a real home with a mother and father,
the ideal must yield to the practical and prudent judgment that a

particular couple could not establish a good home. Surely a girl

who has had the misfortune of falling into sin should not be co-
erced nor even strongly urged against her wishes to marry the'man
involved. The tasks of protecting her good name in so far as pos-
sible, and of providing for the child, can be taken care of in other

ways.

Is Plastic Surgery Lawful?

Problem: Is it wrong for a girl in her middle twenties to try to

have her facial appearance improved by plastic surgery? Is it a sin

against humility or the fifth commandment or any other law of
God? I am not an introvert, I like people, and I would like to get
married. But I have had no prospects of marriage, and I feel

that the correction of certain defects in my appearance would giye
me more confidence and even perhaps an opportunity of marriage.
Your advice would be greatly appreciated.

Solution: In itself, and if it is advised and executed by a repu-

table and experienced surgeon, the improving of one’s appear-

ance through plastic surgery would not be wrong. If men may
shave to improve their appearance, and women may use cosmetics
and wrinkle-removing massages, etc. to improve their appearance,

so one whose features are somewhat defective or irregular may
have them corrected by means of an operation for the sake of

appearance. It must be assumed, of course, that the operation is

not a dangerous one, nor one that might do greater harm than

good. Reputable surgeons are the ones to decide that.

However, one who is interested in the spiritual aspect of things

should be reminded of the danger of unworthy motives in trying

to acquire a more attractive appearance. There is, first of all, the

danger of being motivated only by vanity, which is an inordinate

desire to be admired, to be praised, to be considered beautiful. An
ordinate or praiseworthy care of one’s appearance is motivated

by charity, i.e., by the desire to be pleasing to others, not to bring



QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRUGF 59

honor to oneself. Thus a person should dress neatly, and take

proper care of the hair and even have defective features im-

proved, primarily to make others happy. It is an old saying that
our appearance belongs to others, not ourselves, and we should be
concerned with making it a source of joy to them.

A second danger to be avoided is that of undergoing plastic
surgery with the idea that this will be an infallible means of insur-

ing a happy marriage. God’s will must be taken into account here,

and it may be His will that a certain individual will not be direct-
ed into the state of marriage. To pin all one’s hopes in life on mar-
riage is to render oneself an easy victim of the wrong kind of mar-

riage; it has led too many girls into marriage with a divorced man,
or a man without character. Having her features improved by
plastic surgery should make a girl determined more strongly than
ever that she will never sacrifice God’s love and friendship for a

bad marriage, no matter how many opportunities of so doing may
arise.

How to Judge a Boy Friend s Conversion
Problem: How is it possible to be sure that a boy friend, in

becoming a convert to the Catholic Church, is truly sincere in his

conversion and not merely “going through the motions” for the

sake of marriage? I went out with this boy for a while, Uked him

quite a lot, but finally told him I would have to stop seeing him

because I was determined never to marry anyone but a Catholic.

Almost at once he said: “Then I’ll become a Catholic.” I have

seen similar cases in which the converted person turned out to be

anything but a decent Catholic after marriage. I don’t want that

to happen in my case. My boy friend is taking instructions, but
how can I be sure he is sincere?

Solution: This is a very practical and important problem be-

cause there have indeed been many cases in which a boy went
through all the requirements for becoming a Catholic, but turned

out later to have done so only for the sake of “getting the girl.”

On the other hand it must be remembered that sincere converts



60 QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRIAGE

make the best Catholics of all, and a Catholic girl should be very
happy over the prospect of marrying such a man.

There are certain signs of sincerity in one who is taking instruc-
tions to become a Catholic that the girl should look for. She

should, if at all possible, accompany him to the instructions he

receives from the priest, both to give him confidence and to watch

their effect on him. If he is sincere in his study of the faith, he will

show it in three ways: 1) By asking questions both of the priest
who instructs him and of his girl friend. A man who goes through
a whole course of instructions without ever asking a question or

raising a doubt, is probably not really interested in the faith at all.

2) By commenting to his girl friend on the new things he is learn-
ing and on their wonderful appeal to his mind. If a man takes in-
structions to become a Catholic and never has a word to say

about their effect on him, he cannot be very sincere. 3) By show-
ing a new interest in prayer and church services within a short
time after beginning to take instructions. True conversions are al-

ways marked by sincere prayers and a quickening desire to enter

into the life of the Church. A man who would go through an en-
tire course of instructions and never of his own accord go to Mass
or any other Catholic church service until after his reception into

the church, would offer evidence of indifference to the whole thing.

One final thing that a girl should do: she should bring up moral
problems that being a Catholic raises in one’s life and see how her
boy friend would solve them. If he balks, for instance, at the

Catholic principle concerning birth-control, and holds out against

it, he is not sincerely converted.

+ Gys



QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE MARRIAGE 61

The Fruits of an Invalid Marriage

Problem: If a Catholic girl falls in love with a married and

divorced Catholic man, and consents to attempt marriage with him

before a justice of the peace, are the two of them guilty of just

one sin when they attempt this marriage, or do they live in con-

stant sin after it? If the true wife of the divorced Catholic man
dies after he has attempted the second marriage, does the latter

immediately become valid, or do certain steps have to be taken

to make it valid?

Solution: It is a mortal sin for any two Catholics to attempt mar-

riage before a justice of the peace, whether either of them is al-

ready validly married or not. Another mortal sin is added if either

one is already validly married, viz., that of infidelity on the part

of the married person and of cooperation in it on the part of the

unmarried one.

After an attempt to marry before a justice of the peace, two

Catholics continue to live in sin so long as they live as if married

to each other. First of all, they are living in the mortal sin of pub-

lic scandal by living together as if married when they are not truly
married at all. On top of that they commit a mortal sin every
time they make use of the privilege of marriage to which no one
is entitled except the validly married. If one of the partners has a

living spouse, every such use of the marriage privilege is also a

sin of adultery for both.

If the lawful wife of the married man dies after he has attempt-
ed marriage with another woman, his sinful attempted marriage by
no means becomes automatically valid. In fact, by his serious in-

fidelity to his true wife, he has raised up a grave and diriment im-

pediment against his lawfully marrying the second woman. He
must take the case to a priest; he must show deep and sincere sor-
row for the many sins he has committed; he must show good
reasons for applying for a dispensation from the impediment he

incurred by his infidelity; and he must take measures to offset the

scandal he has given by his publicly un-Christian conduct. When
all this has been done, and a dispensation been obtained, a true



62 QUESTIONS ASKED BEFORE :MARRIAGE

marriage ceremony must be held before a priest and two witnesses.

All this goes to show once more what a terribly e\il and fool-

ish thing any Catholic girl would do by entering into an invalid

marriage with a divorced man. She thereby binds herself to a com-

plicated chain of continuing sins, each of which lessens the chance

that God will ever grant her the extraordinary grace that w'ould
be necessar}' if she is to extricate herself from such a n^ of
evil and ever reach heaven.



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