Intergration #12 An Unknown Road The worst thing to happen to a person is to become lost. It not only brings about confusion and desperation but also feelings of doubt and discernment. I was lost. This was very hard for me to admit, amidst dropping calculus and struggling on some quizzes; but I was lost. Not the kind of “lost” in which you can’t find your way if you looked - no, I was lost. The type of “lost” that even if you find a way - you don’t know if it is the right way to go, or to stay [on]. This semester, unlike no other time in my life, made me feel lost, and I hated it. Imposter syndrome: the persistent inability to believe that one's success is deserved or has been legitimately achieved as a result of one's own efforts or skills. It was a phrase I had so frequently heard of throughout my first months at Notre Dame. In several discussions, and conversations, it was an idea that I could not escape. Many would even warn of feeling this emotion, despite being just as worthy and qualified to be at Notre Dame as other students were. Ironically though, as a black girl in a majority white school, this was the least of my worries. It was expected that I would feel this way due to that clear factor, but in a surprising way, that was not the case. (“Why Letting Go of Expectations Enables You to Live a Better Life” by Julia Hogan- Moreau FYE Week Nine) I was in the middle of calculus class when the boy next to me began snoring. I contemplated waking him up - especially because calculus was not the type of class you wanted to sleep through. Tapping on his arm, I quietly told him that he fell asleep. When he got up, he first looked around, then at the board, then at me. “It’s okay.” He responded. “I’ll be fine, it's easy.” https://grottonetwork.com/navigate-life/health-and-wellness/letting-go-of-expectations/?utm_source=fall_2021&utm_medium=class&utm_id=moreau https://grottonetwork.com/navigate-life/health-and-wellness/letting-go-of-expectations/?utm_source=fall_2021&utm_medium=class&utm_id=moreau Then he went back to sleep. At that moment, I had been so baffled by his words that I began laughing. I didn’t believe him, because I knew I struggled and just assumed we all were the same - but that was far from the case. As time went on, and the math became more complex, and far from the familiar algebraic equations I knew, my confidence began to dwindle. Little did I know, that was the start of my “imposter syndrome.” After my second calculus midterm grade, I was broken. Weeks upon weeks, I spent studying had gone to waste once my grade was revealed. I was so devastated. “Even when you put your best foot forward, you still fail.” Thoughts such as those were running through my head. I was even too embarrassed at one point to talk to my parents about my failure; and as the date for dropping classes was rolling around the corner, I went through which decision I would make. Asking numerous people, and seemingly praying every other day, was still not giving me the answers that I so desperately desired. It seemed as though everything I did would paint my future - and that thought alone scared me to death. I eventually decided to drop it. Even while dropping it, I still remained unsure with my choice. However, I kept trying to remind myself that simply because the path I had initially regarded as mine, did not work out for me, [it] did not mean that my ability to work and follow through on another was gone. This was a challenging experience, that in turn, helped me grow as a person and a student, and I should strive to see it that way. (“Women Find Healing Through Kintsugi Workshop'' by Kirsten Helgeson- Moreau FYE Week Ten) https://grottonetwork.com/make-an-impact/heal/find-healing-through-kintsugi-art/?utm_source=fall_2021&utm_medium=class&utm_id=moreau https://grottonetwork.com/make-an-impact/heal/find-healing-through-kintsugi-art/?utm_source=fall_2021&utm_medium=class&utm_id=moreau Finding a path was another struggle I did not see myself encountering in college. “I’m going to be a doctor, as a biology major, and on the pre-med track”. I was so sure of this future when entering college. Yet, as I walked out of my advisor’s room after dropping calculus, I began to rethink this clear path - that for some reason started to become blurry the more I looked. In my Chemistry, and Biology classes, I would contemplate this path, at lunch, and in bed too. It was a bug that would not stop bothering me, no matter how hard I tried to kill it. I talked to anybody and everybody. From my friends, and family, to advisors and strangers - I just needed an answer, yet nobody’s response seemed to lead me to my “light.” Leaving the College of Science meant potentially leaving behind a close-knit, and understanding community. One thing that every STEM kid had regardless of whether we knew each other was this understanding of 1) We never sleep - so life basically sucks for us, 2) Organic Chemistry is the devil, and 3) Mendoza kids are so annoyingly lucky. We connected - even without knowing each other. Some of the best, nicest, and kindest friends I met at Notre Dame, came from the College of Science - but now, if I leave it, what happens? Worrying for my future never stopped poking me. “Community is not a goal to be achieved but a gift to be received.” “Thirteen Ways of Looking at Community • Center for Courage & RenewalCenter for Courage & Renewal (couragerenewal.org” by Parker J. Palmer- Moreau FYE Week Eleven). I had to learn that. Even with the switch of paths, my community should be the least of my worries, because if I believe in one, there will be one, ready to present itself to me - or at least those were the words that my http://couragerenewal.org/parker/writings/13-ways-of-looking-at-community/ http://couragerenewal.org/parker/writings/13-ways-of-looking-at-community/ http://couragerenewal.org/parker/writings/13-ways-of-looking-at-community/ advisor reassured me with. For the first time, after a very rocky month filled with twists and turns, I felt somewhat okay with my decision, with my path. Now, I am still on a path - that is unknown yet visible. I try not to dwell on how visible it is because it only stresses me out more - but I don’t ignore it completely. As long as it is visible, I believe that God has a plan for my future - despite any devilish bumps, blocks, or tactics that the devil may utilize. (“The Screwtape Letters” by C.S. Lewis- Moreau FYE Week Twelve). Yes, I remain on an unknown road, but a road is still a road, and as long as there is a road, there will be a destination for me.