Moreau Integration Two Finding Nemo Callie My first semester at Notre Dame has been nothing but interesting so far -- I came here expecting months of fitting in, trying to figure out where I stand here, and understanding my classes. Yes, I did encounter all those experiences, but I’ve encountered more about myself as well and the relationships I’ve begun to form. Most importantly, I’ve started to find myself in this process. One of the main issues I’ve encountered so far is imposter syndrome. First of all, I was not valedictorian in my small high school. With 40 people in my graduating class, I realized not being anywhere near the top of my class made me anxious. Everyone at Notre Dame is extremely intelligent and I, on the other hand, felt like I didn’t belong here -- I didn’t understand readings at first and didn’t follow class discussions for the first few weeks. I was also scared I wouldn’t fit in because everyone seemed to have experience with their part-time jobs and many club leaderships; they were also active in sports or ran track & field in high school whereas I had none of those coming from a different country. It wasn’t normal for me to work at a part-time job and we didn’t have as many sports as the US. Sometimes, I was kept out of the loop in conversations or I struggled to understand what people were talking about casually; it was almost like I didn’t deserve to be at Notre Dame. I remember this quote from Week 9 - “We’re not alone, we’re all kind of going through this experience together” (“Advice from a Formerly Lonely College Student” by Emery Bergmann - Moreau FYE Week Nine). When I started deepening my relationships with other people at Notre Dame and when I started talking to people back home, I realized I wasn’t the only one feeling this way. Other people I know who have done amazing things also went through Imposter https://www.nytimes.com/2018/10/09/well/family/advice-from-a-formerly-lonely-college-student.html Syndrome, and I realized I’m not the only one who goes through this. At a certain point, we question our self-worth and if we really deserve to be where we currently are. I encountered this by understanding and accepting that everyone compares themselves to everyone else and we all have our own difficulties. Other people may be so happy on social media, yet they are questioning whether they are living the best versions of themselves. It’s not just a ‘me’ problem. The second issue I encountered is the shame and microaggressions I receive for a part of me that I can’t change -- my identity. Although I was considered a minority in Indonesia, I’ve been surrounded by people who were of a similar race and religion to me -- sometimes I forgot I was a part of the minority. However, here, I’m constantly reminded by it; there’s less than 20 people at Notre Dame who are Indonesian, let alone Indonesian and Catholic. Most people around me are white and sometimes I receive unnecessary comments about the way I look and weird questions about what type of food I eat. Racism is what leads to the brokenness in this world because people tend to not accept other people who are different from them -- they are used to old ways and are used to being surrounded by similar people. Our first encounters with people who may look different tend to be uncomfortable; although many people progress from that, many still resist this change. This reminds me of a quote from Week 10 - “Hatred is more dangerous to us than any other threat, because it attacks the immune system of our society — our ability to see danger, come together and take action” (“Wesley Theological Seminary 2012 Commencement Address” by Fr. John Jenkins, C. S. C. - Moreau FYE Week Ten) I don’t have the power to change this hatred that many people have for other races, but I do have the ability to minimize a tiny bit of racism https://president.nd.edu/homilies-writings-addresses/wesley-theological-seminary-commencement/ by providing other people with perspectives that I have. I try to talk about my culture with as many people as possible -- in most cases, all it takes is a bit of understanding. Racism is a danger to a lot of societies, and I hope that we can encounter this together. There is a reason why many at Notre Dame do not openly try to interact with people of color and I hope to provide them with a reason on why we shouldn’t be ignored. A third issue I’ve encountered is conflict. In middle school and in the first few weeks of high school, I was in a lot of toxic relationships, with me being the reason why they were toxic. I forced myself into being someone I was not and had friendships which didn’t benefit the other party and merely benefitted myself. However, I moved to a different school for junior and senior year of high school, where I felt a lot at home. I realized I didn’t have to try to be someone I was not and I could speak the “same language” without feeling left out. I met the most amazing people who helped me change as a person and who helped me see things from a new light, which I highly appreciate as I’m glad I’ve become the person I am today. I came to Notre Dame with low expectations -- I didn’t expect to know people I clicked with in my first semester. Eventually, we had a group of 10 people. I personally felt that it was too fast because we didn’t know everyone that well, but we persisted; eventually, we did have a conflict, leading to a small falling out. However, from what I’ve learnt in the past, conflicts often had a positive outcome; they were bound to happen in the first place, it’s just ugly when they do happen. Conflicts are great because they’re eye-opening; you realize who stands by you and who has the same values as you. You deepen friendships with those you truly connect with and who truly care about you, and you start to observe those who don’t stand on the same platform as you. I realized that conflicts in college don’t have to be like high school drama -- they don’t have to involve spreading false news, blatantly destroying other people’s relationships, and result in never-ending fire. They just have to involve talks, mature discussions, and eventually, spending more time with the people we love. This reminds me of a quote in Week 11 of Moreau - “Community that can withstand hard times and conflict can help us become not just happy but “at home.”” (“Thirteen Ways of Looking at Community” by Parker J. Palmer - Moreau FYE Week Eleven) Some people here have truly been supportive of my decisions and have made me feel at home the way my high school friends have made me feel, and I’ve felt grateful for them. The last issue I’ve encountered so far is my faith. Being completely honest with myself, I’ve always had excuses for not going to church before college. I didn’t mind not going to mass and I definitely broke out of my habit of praying everyday despite religion classes. Furthermore, my parents have always encouraged me to go to mass -- I always said I was busy with schoolwork. I’ve always questioned whether I was religious. I do believe there is a God, and I believed that He put me through tough times so I would return back to my faith, and I think it’s been working so far. A quote from the Screwtape Letters “Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, … asks why he has been forsaken, but still obeys.” (“The Screwtape Letters” by C. S. Lewis - Moreau FYE Week Twelve) made me realize this. Temptation is difficult, and it’s even more difficult to hold onto hope when sometimes you have nothing else to hold onto. However, I’ve realized that holding onto hope is much stronger when your faith is stronger, and one way I would like to encounter this is by making use of Notre Dame’s resources to strengthen my faith. https://couragerenewal.org/wpccr/parker/writings/13-ways-of-looking-at-community/ https://couragerenewal.org/wpccr/parker/writings/13-ways-of-looking-at-community/ https://www.amazon.com/Screwtape-Letters-C-S-Lewis/dp/0060652934 https://www.amazon.com/Screwtape-Letters-C-S-Lewis/dp/0060652934 I’ve encountered many odd experiences in college that challenge myself and will continue to experience more of these. One way to respond to these is by finding my own values and using my experiences from the past to be a better version of myself for my well-being and for others around me. Sometimes, I feel like Nemo -- lost in a sea of people I don’t know and stranded in a place I’m so unfamiliar with; on the other hand, I’m not like Nemo. I never needed anyone to find me; I didn’t need a Dory. I just needed myself (and some guidance from others along the way) and will continue to do so going forward.