int 2 Moreau Integration Two: A Much-Needed Self Reflection After experiencing failure, I continue to ask myself, “is it over? Is it worth fighting for?” “We will disappoint people. We’ll disappoint ourselves. But the world doesn’t have to end when that happens” ("Why Letting Go of Expectations is a Freeing Habit" Moreau FYE Week 9) My high school experience was, some would say, a storied history. It wasn’t perfect, but in some cases, I would say that I thrived. I had a great academic upward incline, I had several leadership positions and extracurriculars, and I volunteered almost every week. I put in the work, at my very underfunded, predominantly Black and Hispanic public high school in Alief, Texas, and it got me to Notre Dame. Sure, occasionally I wouldn’t do well on an exam or a project, but I’ve never really been significantly thwarted by failure. I would just power through it. Looking back, I wish I had been; I wish I had a precursor. For some reason, failure in college feels like the end of the world. I got myself here, to prove that I’m worthy, but when I get here everything goes south. Why? And an even better question, why is it affecting me so much? This week's content introduced A topic that I was all too familiar with: imposter syndrome. Attending a pretty much fully POC public high school that was rarely competitive (only the top 30 of us really “cared“) I didn’t really feel it. However, being one of the only ones in my high school to be shipped off to a college across the country, (let alone outside of Houston or Austin,) I soon began to notice that imposter syndrome came on the plane with me. They are not that many black students at the school there are way fewer black stem majors; I’ve acknowledged that. Because of that, there’s this ongoing internal battle that I believe all black students at PWIs face: overcompensating to demonstrate competence. Always trying to present that I know what I’m doing, failure can mess up the entire process. And I would know because that’s where I’m at currently. Day to day, I asked myself if fighting is even worth it. I don’t understand why failure is affecting me so much. I need to take a step back and realize exactly where I am: the first year in my first semester of college ever. I need to acknowledge the fact that first years, and other grades, are allowed to make mistakes, and are allowed to fail. Period. Unfortunately, In my journey at Notre Dame thus far, my personal health has decreased in importance. I didn’t think it would be easy. But, I also didn’t think it would be this hard. 7:49 AM. I’m still awake for the nth time, But I don’t care, not as much as I should. Back in high school, I would have nights like this, where my mom would come into my room screaming at one in the morning telling me to go to sleep, but I wouldn’t— I couldn’t go to sleep until my work was https://grottonetwork.com/navigate-life/health-and-wellness/letting-go-of-expectations/?utm_source=fall_2021&utm_medium=class&utm_id=moreau done. I’m not proud to admit that the bad habit has traveled with me to college, but it has. And it sucks. In fact, I’m writing this coming off of an all-nighter. I feel like A drug addict; A gambler: I just can’t stop. I need peace. I need healing. The only thing that gets me through it is imagining being in the future and looking back on this experience and how it’s shaped me. “The good, the bad, the ugly” — all of it build me into the person that I want to be. (Women Find Healing… Moreau FYE Week 10) thinking about my poor excuse for personal health, I do agree that it has changed me. But I need to put these bad habits to rest. This week's content explores nontraditional healing. Healing that I need. Originally (somewhat) black and white, I realized that the relationship that leadership and community share is now more nuanced than I had thought. “Long before a community can manifest in outward relationships, it must be present in the individual as “a capacity for connectedness”—a capacity to resist the forces of disconnection with which our culture and our psyches are riddled…” (Thirteen Ways of Looking at Community - Moreau FYE Week 10) Years ago, I saw the aspect of community as one that was unconditional. Whether proximally or figuratively, I thought that if you were “in it,” You were in it. No complications, no questions asked. I feel it was easier to find community as a child; the fifth-grade psyche could only go so far, we weren’t plagued with controversial opinions Or racism, or sexism, we were all just kids – it was easy. Even further, there was no desire to step up, to become a leader. We were all just a community: no superiors or inferiors, just kids. However, as I got older I learned that there is more nuance to a community than I originally thought. Originally unaware of leadership in the communities I was in, I found myself becoming a leader, to “connect” with my community. As proclaimed by Palmer, there will be a disconnect; I noticed it as a leader. In doing so, you have to find common ground — a way to unite the masses despite the disconnect. My preferred method was inclusivity: finding any way to project the shared vision (capacity of connectedness) that my community should pursue (as a leader). Through Moreau FYE, the concept of hope went from uncertainty to clear. “Still, the first four principles of mind, heart, zeal, and family, important though they are, would have little distinctive Christian purpose apart from hope in the cross of Christ” (Hope - Holy Cross and Christian Education - Moreau FYE Week 12) This final week of Moreau, I was tasked with a simple question: ”how can I live in hope?“ Seemed easy enough, right? Wrong. Before this week, I’d only known hope as a simple emotion; not as a way of life. As someone who has lived with and without hope, this week‘s contact has introduced me to, essentially, and your way of living. After reading the text on Holy Cross Education, I went on to research how I can live a life full of hope. I discovered that a life full of hope warrants a life full of possibilities. Possibilities that were much stronger than the simple need to water desire certain things(I.e. what I determined hope to be before this). Much https://grottonetwork.com/make-an-impact/heal/find-healing-through-kintsugi-art/?utm_source=fall_2021&utm_medium=class&utm_id=moreau http://couragerenewal.org/parker/writings/13-ways-of-looking-at-community/ https://campusministry.nd.edu/assets/105621/ https://campusministry.nd.edu/assets/105621/ stronger than anticipation. Fr. King calls on us to be “men with hope to bring.“ In pursuing living a hope-driven life, I wish to rebuild the resolve that I used to have.