Integration Two Anna VanAvermaete Professor Theo Helm Moreau FYS 10101 3 December 2021 Face-to-Face with Reality The University of Notre Dame is a place where kids come to become adults who change the world. The experiences students receive along their journey transform them into a brand new person; the best for the world and themselves. College is a journey of self discovery. One of the first things I experienced at Notre Dame was imposter syndrome. It wasn’t hard to see that I was the lesser of the group of students at Notre Dame. The most place where this was most evident was in the classroom. Theology seemed to come so easy for other students. When they would get cold called, they had no trouble answering the question while I sat there trying to come up with the answer, even though I had done the reading. And on theology tests I would get Bs while the majority of the class got As. Furthermore, everything came so easy for my best friend, like chemistry, while I had to try five times as hard just to get a grade somewhat close to hers. These things led me to thinking I didn’t belong at Notre Dame. In a reading from week nine, where we learned about encountering dissonance, Julia Hogan says, “Those expectations are the bars we set for ourselves. When we meet (or surpass) them, we feel like we are worthy. If we don’t meet those expectations, we feel like the exact opposite - that we aren’t good enough,” (“Why Letting Go of Expectations is a Freeing Habit” by Julia Hogan - Moreau FYE Week Nine). This quote relates to the imposter syndrome that I feel because I had goals I wanted to achieve, like getting good grades, but wasn’t, and therefore, I just felt like a failure. This makes me realize that while expectations can be good for you at times, they can also be https://grottonetwork.com/navigate-life/health-and-wellness/letting-go-of-expectations/?utm_source=fall_2021&utm_medium=class&utm_id=moreau damaging. I think it’s in my best interest to set small goals for myself that are attainable so that I don’t feel like a failure for not attaining big goals, and most importantly, stop comparing myself to others. Another thing I’ve encountered at Notre Dame is the loss of innocence. A little back story to this story: something disturbing happened a few days prior and was really affecting my mental health. As I was sitting in ceramics class, my professor asked me if everything was okay because I wasn’t talking a lot, and it just seemed like something was off. Everything just kind of hit me then: how my childhood is gone, how I’m growing up, and I had to leave class. In week ten, we learned about encountering brokenness. During this week, we watched a video about putting your feelings into a pot and then smashing it. The video said, “All of the loss you’re feeling, the people you’ve had to let go of, the love you never really got to live out fully. I want you to put those into the pot,” (“Women Find Healing Through Kintsugi Workshop” by Grotto - Moreau FYE Week Ten). I thought this quote was fitting for my situation because I had my realization in ceramics, and it’s about loss that you feel. It’s important to have a healthy way to express emotions because if you bottle them up, they all come crashing down on you at once, like a hurricane. I think that in order to grow, I need to learn how to express my emotions properly because I just bottle them up, and it affects my schoolwork. The third of the things I’ve encountered at Notre Dame is my own community. When I first arrived at Notre Dame, I was not excited to be in my dorm. I heard from almost every one that I talked to that Howard isn’t a fun dorm. I kept this thought in my mind for so long that I made it a reality and distanced myself from Howard. During week eleven, we learned about encountering community, and in a reading from that week, Parker Palmer said, “Community is that place where the person you least want to live with always lives,” (“Thirteen Ways of https://grottonetwork.com/make-an-impact/heal/find-healing-through-kintsugi-art/ http://couragerenewal.org/parker/writings/13-ways-of-looking-at-community/ Looking at Community” by Parker J. Palmer - Moreau FYE Week Eleven). When I first saw this quote, I just thought it was something like community is everywhere, and that’s why someone you don’t want will always be there. After thinking about this quote more, I see this quote as you may not always realize that a place is where you want to be at first. For example, Howard isn’t just a place I live in anymore, but I actually see it as a community now. I realized that the people there are actually fun if you get to know them and are always there for you. I think this all taught me that I need to be willing to give things a try before I make any assumptions because you never know what it’ll actually be like. The last of the things I’ve encountered at Notre Dame is light. College is hard. I figured this out when, no matter how hard I tried, I still somehow ended up with a B in chemistry. I tried studying for an entire week, tutoring, and office hours. This really took a toll on me mentally, because it just made me feel stupid. During week twelve, we learned about encountering hope. During this week, we read “The Screwtape Letters” by C.S. Lewis, in which he said, “He will set them off with communications of His presence which, though faint, seem great to them,” (“The Screwtape Letters” by C.S. Lewis - Moreau FYE Week Twelve). This relates to me because during this time everything felt so hopeless and dark, but something told me he was there helping me through this, and that everything would be okay in the end. I found that Jesus was the light in the darkness, guiding me through my turmoil. This taught me to always have trust and hope in Jesus because getting through life without Him is tough without Him guiding you through the darkness. While being at Notre Dame I’ve encountered a lot: whether it be through clubs, classes, or dorm life. Some things minor, some things major, but they’ve all had some sort of an affect on http://couragerenewal.org/parker/writings/13-ways-of-looking-at-community/ https://canvas.nd.edu/courses/23747/files/187501/download?download_frd=1 https://canvas.nd.edu/courses/23747/files/187501/download?download_frd=1 me. The way that I handle the things I encounter and the messages I take away from them, truly define how they shape me.