MFYE INTEGRATION 2 Emily McDougall Oswald Moreau FYE 12/03/2021 QUESTIONS OF REFLECTIONS It’s hard to believe that I am now almost done with my first semester of college, and an eighth of the way through my undergraduate career. So far, this semester has been one the most challenging, rewarding, and shaping experiences of my life. I think that one of the most terrifying parts of this semester was the idea of coming to this brand-new place, and being completely isolated and alone. My high school was full of people I had known all my life, all but two of whom would be coming with me to Notre Dame. South Bend was entirely new waters, something I hadn’t really experienced since the first day of preschool. There had always been a safety net, a group of familiar faces to sit with, friends with years of context and inside jokes. I knew that I was going to have come into college with a desire to make new, authentic relationships, and go beyond myself to reach out to others – terrifying. But eleven weeks after Welcome Weekend, and the whirlwind of introductions, we looked at community in thirteen ways that resonated with me. Of these thirteen, the statement that “community is not a goal to be achieved but a gift to be received. When we treat community as a product that we must manufacture instead of a gift we have been given, it will elude us eternally,“ clicked within me (Thirteen Ways of Looking at Community • Center for Courage & Renewal- by Parker J. Palmer - Moreau FYE Week 11). I’ve been on that side where you are trying so hard to break into a group, and you just can’t seem to get on the inside of it, or the conversation is more of a leaky faucet than an easy, steady flow of laughter and friendship. When I went home for Thanksgiving break, I got to see my old friends, restarting that flow of familiar jokes and stories as we caught each other up on our college careers. And yet, as I saw friends I had known for most of my life, I felt like I was seeing what could have been. There was a path where I would have gone to the same state school as the majority of my high school friends, and stayed in my bubble. And to be honest, there were times this semester when I was struggling, and wondered if it would have been easier to have stayed home. I would be tired, struggling to keep up with deadlines, or just plain homesick, and I would think Why did I come here? Why did I choose this? In week 12, we read The Screwtape Letters and in the irony of Screwtape’s advice, I found advice that made me rethink my mindset about these struggles. “It is during such trough periods, much more than the peak periods, that it is growing into the sort of creature He wants it to be,” Screwtape tells his nephew (The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis - Moreau FYE Week 12). The trough period felt much more prevalent in the whirlwind after fall break, but this quote reminded me that such periods are necessary for change, as uncomfortable and lonely as they might be. One of the most defining parts of these troughs for me would be the loneliness. I’ve been lucky enough to find a great group of friends here at Notre Dame, but those relationships are still new, and in times of struggle I tend to turn inwards. It’s something that I’m working on, but on hard days I often find myself sitting alone with my thoughts, sometimes peacefully sitting at Grotto, other times holed up in my dorm room. Different types of loneliness, but still a feeling that was isolating and hard to overcome. I would feel guilty about these periods of melancholy – http://couragerenewal.org/parker/writings/13-ways-of-looking-at-community/ I have friends after all, and I’m lucky enough to have people to turn to when I know it’s hard to find those connections after all. But as Emery Bergmann said in week 9, “your loneliness is not failure, and that you are far from being alone in this feeling. Open your mind and take experiences as they come.” (Advice From a Formerly Lonely College Student- by Emery Bergmann - Moreau FYE Week 9). In high school, my loneliness was a source of embarrassment for me. Embarrassment that I always felt slightly outside, circling a group I was a part of but never fully inside of. But this quote made me ask myself if these situations I would find myself in were loneliness or actually a place of solitude. Once I started seeing the times when I was walking by myself, or taking a social break, or just being in a place by myself as opportunities to sit with myself and breathe, I felt much more at peace with solitude. I love my friends I have found here, and I’m glad to spend time with them – but I’m also okay now by myself. I’ve spent of lot of the last semester asking questions, some of them trivial, and many of them stupid. The most interesting problems arose in my History seminar. Every Tuesday and Thursday, we study the complicated legacy of Columbus and the murals depicted in the Main Building. I started the class with strong beliefs, knowing where I stood on controversial monuments and how they stand in our history. The class made an interesting argument about the trouble with assigning modern morality past historical figures, especially the ones we have decided to memorialize. As time went on, I found myself questioning the previously black-and-white opinions I had held on things like controversial statues. While I certainly do not agree with the belief of the Confederate generals, my history professor argued that all parts of our history, both honorable and shameful, should be represented, even if we may not agree with it. My previous stark ideas started to blur, which made me think of this quote from Week 10: “even in the case of my most noble belief, I must ask myself: am I trying to advance this belief through persuasion or coercion, with respect or contempt, by accepting sacrifice or imposing sacrifice? When I refuse to compromise, is it because I love a principle, or because I hate the people on the other side?” (Wesley Theological Seminary Commencement | Office of the President | University of Notre Dame- by Fr. John Jenkins, C.S.C. - Moreau FYE Week 10). I think that Father Jenkin’s perspective on how to view our beliefs is an important practice for checking our biases in order to grow. I think that this semester has helped me learn to be even more open minded than I would have said I was in August. Those beliefs that I had held going into the seminar became more nuanced, more aware of the repercussions of trying to gloss over history. I am not the same person who came to this campus four months ago. It’s weird to look back, and see how much I have changed, both emotionally and mentally. At the same time, I feel like I am the most authentic version of myself that I can be. These questions that I have been asking – Who am I? What is important to me? What do I believe in? – are part of this reflection on my identity and my path forward. I’ve never been satisfied with the surface level. I’ve always been an overthinker, a what-if-er, always curious to see what could have been. But even as I reflect on what was and what could have been, I can see how I got here, and I feel so excited to see where I will go. However, I don’t plan to stay in this reflective state. I want to continue to open my mind to different perspectives and experiences in the rest of my time at Notre Dame. Specifically, I am going to try and make time to go to more speaker events and try to take classes that are going to challenge my beliefs and make me think more critically. I am https://www.nytimes.com/2018/10/09/well/family/advice-from-a-formerly-lonely-college-student.html https://president.nd.edu/homilies-writings-addresses/wesley-theological-seminary-commencement/ https://president.nd.edu/homilies-writings-addresses/wesley-theological-seminary-commencement/ also going to continue pursuing the real, authentic relationships that have made this semester so enjoyable. I won’t ever stop asking questions and reflecting, because it helps me move into the rest of my college experience and my life with a better understanding of my identity. That practice is the foundation for a better, more authentic future.