Integration Two-- Neligan 1 Mr. Espeseth Moreau First Year Experience 3 December 2021 The Role of Self-Reflection in Forming Healthier Habits, Goals, and Expectations In navigating internal and external dissonance, I have learned to take a step back and use my own experiences and core beliefs to shape my decisions rather than the influence of others. In coming to college, I have encountered many different instances of external dissonance. Meeting people from drastically different backgrounds from mine sometimes caused me to question my own background and whether the things I had learned and the beliefs I had formed were really true. For example, when I heard students bad-mouthing my intended major, that caused a lot of self-doubt. I subsequently reevaluated why I had chosen that major in the first place and how I planned to use it after college. Ultimately, after further researching my course of study and disregarding out what other students had said, I was able to embrace my major despite this external dissonance. In college, I have also come to form many expectations that were unrealistic due to the behavior of others. For example, following social media and being able to look out my window and see other students, I felt like I was constantly seeing what others were doing. This became overwhelming, as I felt like everyone else was doing so much more than me—getting more things done, achieving more, and even having more fun. I formed an unrealistic expectation for how I should be spending my time and how much I should be accomplishing in a day because I formed a false perception of what others were doing. In reality, it is likely true that every other student feels that they could be better maximizing their time. By talking with friends and classmates about their routines and the things they are doing, I was able to gain a better Neligan 2 sense of how I should be scheduling myself and abandon my unrealistic expectations. The experience of dealing with external dissonance, and subsequent internal dissonance, relates to our reading and discussion of reevaluating our expectations. In her article about letting go of expectations, Julia Hogan discusses things her clients have said to her. She recounts “none of them tell me that they believe they are living a fulfilling life when they let their self-worth be defined by these external expectation...I’m going to let you in on a little secret: these expectations are arbitrary” (“Why Letting Go of Expectations is a Freeing Habit” by Julia Hogan - Moreau FYE Week 9). Hogan illuminates that almost everyone feels unfulfilled because they do not think they are living up to society’s expectations. She dismisses these expectations in pointing out that they are completely random and formed from how we perceive others rather than how things really are. Hogan’s insights are important to remember in actively choosing to dismiss expectations that we form from comparing ourselves to others. In the future, I will take Hogan’s advice and try to separate my expectations from the actions and achievements of others. Rather, I will self-reflect, decide what I find most valuable, and prioritize that. I will also be more forgiving of myself and remember that not everyone is achieving as much as it might seem. Trying to fix problems in our community can be difficult and divisive, causing people to become uncivil with each other. However, I have found that when it comes to solving problems, it is more efficient to work together rather than falling victim to polarization. When I first moved into my dorm in August, my three roommates and I all got along very well. However, over the next few weeks, we began to argue about the fate of the common room which we share. Since our space is extremely limited, we were all very emotionally invested in what would become of the common room. Everyone disagreed on how the room should be arranged, who should pay for what, and what the rules for the room would be. Although we were very frustrated with each https://grottonetwork.com/navigate-life/health-and-wellness/letting-go-of-expectations/?utm_source=fall_2021&utm_medium=class&utm_id=moreau Neligan 3 other and our lack of progress, rather than allowing the situation to escalate, we met with our RA to discuss the issue. We were ultimately able to truly listen to each other’s wishes and create a compromise. However, we were only able to do this because we approached the conflict in a respectful and civil manner. If we had allowed ourselves to truly become angry at each other, we likely would not have resolved the conflict and created even more problems down the line. This experience closely relates to our discussion about how we should approach issues in our lives or in our community in a constructive and civil way. In his commencement speech, Fr. John Jenkins explained “if we are determined to keep our convictions free of malice, then I propose that we strive to meet one simple test for public discourse: Our attempts to express our convictions should take the form of an effort to persuade…[but] people are not persuaded by those who attack their character” (Wesley Theological Seminary Commencement” by Fr. John Jenkins - Moreau FYE Week 10). Fr. Jenkins’ advice is particularly insightful because people will be more likely to listen to our convictions if we try to persuade them rather than attack them. Even if our beliefs are well-supported, people will not approach a conversation with an open mind if they feel they are being threatened. Rather than advocating for our beliefs in a forceful and overbearing manner, we should try to pitch them in a way that is convincing. This will result in more productive conversations in which people are more willing to listen and open to changing their beliefs. In the future, I will follow Fr. Jenkins’ advice and the remember the lessons I learned in negotiating with my roommates to more effectively advocate my opinions and encourage civil discourse. In meeting new people, I have learned that first working on my own open-mindedness and acceptance of others is critical in forming meaningful relationships. Notre Dame’s academic rigor definitely cultivates a competitive atmosphere. Because of this, in some of my classes, I https://president.nd.edu/homilies-writings-addresses/wesley-theological-seminary-commencement/ Neligan 4 viewed my peers more so as competition rather than a potential friend. For example, because my calculus class is a huge lecture and heavily curved, it felt easy to isolate myself from the other students. I felt that I had to study alone to truly focus and was not making an effort to connect with my peers. However, in my calculus tutorial, we were divided into small groups to work on problem sets. As the weeks went by, I grew closer with my group members. We began to discuss subjects other than math and even made plans to get lunch together. Although this connection was unexpected, it proved to me that even in situations where we want to isolate ourselves, we can almost always better from connecting with and learning with others. Subsequent to this experience in my calculus class, I now view my peers as teammates rather than competition, and will strive to be more open to connecting with others in the future. This experience relates to our discussion on how effectively building communities starts with the individual. In his article about approaching community, Parker J. Palmer explains, “Community begins not externally but in the recesses of the human heart. Long before community can be manifest in outward relationships, it must be present in the individual as ‘a capacity for connectedness’—a capacity to resist the forces of disconnection with which our culture and our psyches are riddled” (“Thirteen Ways of Looking at Community” by Parker J. Palmer - Moreau FYE Week 11). I agree with Palmer that we cannot form relationships and a greater community unless we are willing to do so. Forces like competitiveness, jealousy, greed, etc. easily obstruct our efforts to connect with others. If people were always close-minded and alienating of others, no meaningful communities would ever be formed. Thus, it is important to work on one’s own “capacity for connectedness” and make an effort to reach out to and form bonds with others. Keeping Palmer’s advice and my own experience in mind, in the future, I will remind myself of my obligation to remain open to connection and also make a concerted effort to form relationships with others. http://couragerenewal.org/parker/writings/13-ways-of-looking-at-community/ Neligan 5 In witnessing happy endings to overwhelmingly bad situations, I have learned to commit to hope even when I am prone to pessimism. In my first semester in college, I have encountered many situations in which I felt powerless and that nothing was in my control. During these times, having no hope seemed to be the default. It seemed that I was merely faking any feelings of hope. However, one particular experience changed my perspective on hope and has caused me to more genuinely embrace it. When one of my friends was in an accident on campus, I did everything I could to try to help her. Ultimately, the paramedics arrived, and they told us that only one person was allowed to go with my friend. One of my other friends went with her, so I was left wondering what was going to happen to my friend and if she was going to be alright. Since things were completely out of my hands at that point, I felt that there was nothing for me to do other than hope. I continued to hope and pray for the best until I heard back that she was in a stable condition. This experience, while scary, caused me to cling to hope when I had nothing else. Our discussion about having hope because God can always bring about good from bad situations reminded me of this experience in particular. In his introduction to the Holy Cross education, Fr. James B. King urged, “There is no failure the Lord’s love cannot reverse, no humiliation he cannot exchange for blessing, no anger He cannot dissolve, no routine He cannot transfigure. All is swallowed up in victory. It remains only for us to find how even the cross can be borne as a gift” (“Hope - Holy Cross and Christian Education” by Fr. James B. King, C.S.C. - Moreau FYE Week 12). Fr. King explains that because God can right any wrong and bring about gifts at any moment, we should always live with hope. Rather than focusing on the failures, humiliation, and anger, we should be optimistic that God will reward us with gifts and that ultimately we will experience victory. Considering Fr. King’s advice and my newfound https://campusministry.nd.edu/assets/105621/ Neligan 6 hopefulness, I will in the future be more optimistic about whatever situation I am in and focus on the potential good outcomes rather than the bad ones.