Moreau FYE Integration 2


Quinn Elemer Barbaza

Mr. Andrew Whittington

Moreau First Year Experience

1 December 2021

The Nature of Change

It is necessary to preface this reflection by confessing that my beliefs and basis of living
have changed drastically in the short time since my last integration. I honestly have no idea
whether or not this is for the better, or if it is just a result of stress and pain and myself gradually
growing accustomed to the magic of Notre Dame. The magic, wonder, and awe that
accompanied my arrival have not dwindled or lost their shine, but I have grown used to the
bubble that is Notre Dame and my being here. I have had several reality checks along the way,
and while that language generally has a negative connotation, I am glad to have had them. A lot
of these “reality checks” are indicative of what I have encountered over the past semester and
some of the more important things from my entire life. So, if you would bide a while, I’m
figuring this out as I write it.

I’ve encountered a lot of pain. Sorry to start out this reflection on a dark note, but
suspensions are everywhere in music for a reason. One of the things I promised myself before I
got here was that I wouldn’t forget where I’m from, both literally and metaphorically. Not
pessimistically, only focus on the bad way, but in more of a remember what I lost to get here. So
yeah, I’ve encountered a lot of pain, personal and otherwise. There were almost 600 shootings in
my hometown alone in 2021, and that number only counted up to September. A few months ago,
a gunfight happened at a mall where a lot of my friends work and live near. Last week, another
happened at the same mall. Word back home is that there’s a new gang moving in on territory. I
grew up in a great city, in which I could have gotten shot. I grew up in a city where people I
knew did get shot. The reality of tensions in society is unshakable, which I talked about a couple
of times, most notably in Week 10 when I commented on my friend getting threatened with a
Klan hood. But I think the best way to address these problems is by working with communities.
“Hard experiences...are not the death knell of community: they are the gateway into the real
thing” (13 Ways of Looking at Community - By Parker Palmer, Moreau FYE Week 11).
Communities form to combat difficult experiences. Humanity is so much better when united
against a common enemy, and the best way to keep communities from isolating themselves in an
endless cycle is to show them how similar they are. Now, differences remain, and the passion for
the subject I expressed remains. I still believe that there are some sides that are flat out wrong,
and I still feel a great deal of anger towards communities that actively hurt others. But that
doesn’t change my plan to combat the brokenness I have grown up to know by serving my

http://couragerenewal.org/parker/writings/13-ways-of-looking-at-community/


community.  I plan on working to convert cities to sustainable energy and more efficient,
cost-effective living in order to improve the lives of all the impoverished. An ambitious goal, but
that will not stop me from trying. I think the bonds of community are what can save our society,
they just need to be realized as universal.

I realize the ambition in the previous statement, especially as our society has become
more divided than ever and the brokenness among communities is only getting worse. Yet I have
hope that that can change. Human existence is fleeting and exceedingly young. Our intellect
makes us arrogant, makes us assume that we will rule the world for eternity, where we haven’t
even existed as long as older species reigned. We have a long way to go, but that is how the
world works. Therefore, I have hope that I can help. Week 12 presented a challenge to this line of
thinking, but I realize that it also presented a solution. “Their nearest approach to constancy,
therefore is undulation--the repeated return to a level from which they repeatedly fall back”
(“The Screwtape Letters” - By C.S. Lewis, Moreau FYE Week 12). Yes, this implies that any
efforts to improve human life will return to the same medium and essentially makes my
resolution helpless. However, there is nothing to say that we cannot change the medium itself.
Not trying to do so will only confirm our fears, and there is nothing to gain from focusing on
futility. That is the whole point of hope. Yes, I have encountered a lot of things that could make
me lose hope, but I have also encountered things that renew it. It’s a cycle as Lewis describes in
its own, always returning to a medium of hope for what is to come.

I’ve also encountered a lot of pain within myself. I’ve already discussed some of my
family issues, especially with expectations and the effects they had upon me. “These
expectations are all arbitrary and not definitive rules for the only way to live life” (Why Letting
Go of Expectations is a Freeing Habit - By Julia Hogan, Moreau FYE Week 9). There is a lot
more to the personal pain, but I’ve already talked about sources. I’ve encountered a lot to make
me doubt myself, a lot to make me hate myself, and a lot to make me question my own integrity
and worth. I have a difficult time reacting to expectations. A part of me will always be driven to
exceed them. I was brought up that way and that is how I see the world, I am incapable of
ignoring expectations. I also don’t know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. On the one hand,
exceeding expectations got me here. Doing so got me to my dream school, where I have never
been happier or more grateful for the life that I have. I would love to say that I will respond how
Hogan recommends, and live the nice sentiment that they are only expectations and not
definitive rules. In principle, that is a fantastic way to live. It’s not how I live, it’s not how I
think, it’s not how I operate as a human being. I care entirely too much about what the people
around me want to ignore their expectations, and my own for that matter.

A prime example of this happened over Thanksgiving break. My father was waging war
on my family, challenging my aunt and uncle constantly who were doting on me, as they have no
children of their own and haven’t seen me in months. My father was taking every opportunity to
ridicule them and make it clear to me that they weren’t my parents. This is a common practice of
his with most of the adults in my life. The expectation, however, was that I back him up. Every
comment that he made, he would look at me and expect me to voice my support of his opinion,

https://canvas.nd.edu/courses/28308/pages/introduction-to-week-12-encountering-hope?module_item_id=106237
https://grottonetwork.com/navigate-life/health-and-wellness/letting-go-of-expectations/?utm_source=fall_2021&utm_medium=class&utm_id=moreau
https://grottonetwork.com/navigate-life/health-and-wellness/letting-go-of-expectations/?utm_source=fall_2021&utm_medium=class&utm_id=moreau


not give my own. Not meeting that expectation hurt him, as he felt that the family was taking
sides against him, and “his own son was making him the villain”. I hate hurting people more than
anything, yet in that situation there is no action I can take that doesn’t hurt someone. How do I
meet that expectation while meeting my own of not hurting people? I can’t pick or prioritize one,
he’s my dad. I have been dealing with situations like these all my life, like when a father-figure
of mine passed away and my own father could not understand why I was crying.

Learning about myself and coming to Notre Dame has helped me figure out how I deal
with expectations and how I plan to do so moving forward. Father Jenkins puts it better than I
can: “Conviction. It is indispensable to every good deed. It defies the forces of inertia” (Wesley
Theological Seminary Commencement - By Father Jenkins, C.S.C. Moreau FYE Week 10). I
will live my expectations and the expectations of those around me with conviction. The drive and
purpose of meeting the values of my life, which I have always utilized, but I will do so now with
the knowledge that the power behind conviction is effort. If I fail or do not meet an expectation
that I value, it will not be out of lack of effort. Because at the end of the day, I can be certain of
nothing. I can never be certain that I did the right thing. I can never be certain that what I did was
enough. To do so is arrogance to me. At the end of the day, all I will have is how much I put into
my life, how much I tried to do right, tried to do good, and tried to be the best person I could be.
That is what matters most to me, which Moreau FYE has helped me realize. Sure, good
intentions can lead to bad results, and a pursuit of being the best can cause pain. We can do great
evil as we pursue good, but that doesn’t mean that our pursuit cannot be one of repentance,
redemption, or correction. It matters not how many errors we make, what matters is how we
respond to them. I can wallow and cry myself to sleep over the pain I have experienced. I did so
for far too long. It is a part of me now, and I will take it in stride as I pursue life and happiness.
Who would I be without my pain?

Therefore, I think that above all, I have encountered life. A lot of it. What other response
could I have than to live it? So that is what I shall do: continuing living my life to its fullest
extent, because it has meaning. It has hope. I have so much more ahead of me. My response is to
live it.

https://president.nd.edu/homilies-writings-addresses/wesley-theological-seminary-commencement/
https://president.nd.edu/homilies-writings-addresses/wesley-theological-seminary-commencement/