Integration Two



Professor Hnatusko
Moreau FYE
Integration Two
12/3/2021

A True Freshmen: Stumbling Through the First Semester

Throughout the semester, I have had the expectation that I need to have a friend group. I see so
many other freshmen, both at Notre Dame and at other schools, that have found a group of
people that they consistently hang out with. While I have met all types of friendly people, I do
not think that I can call many people close friends, even after knowing them for two months. I
often yearn for consistency and sometimes feel left out when I see people who have found such
stability in social life. Whenever I feel this way, I remind myself of Emery Bergmann, the college
student who also experienced such loneliness and even released a video expressing her
feelings. She gives advice to college freshmen, saying, “...by putting myself out there, I found so
many communities on campus to invest myself in, and where I knew I would be happily
received.” (“Advice From a Formerly Lonely College Student” by Emery Bergmann - Moreau
FYE Week Nine). I am certain that my feelings of loneliness will not fade for the rest of my
freshman year. However, I am also certain that I will have the ability to navigate these feelings
and can continue to put myself out there as Bergmann advises.

Throughout my life before college, I thought that many occurrences in my life, especially in the
ones where I got hurt emotionally, were unfixable and to be avoided at all costs. At Notre Dame,
I have learned that my previous mindset was incorrect and even prevented me from traveling
down many pathways that would have opened other opportunities. My previous mindset was
built on a fear of failure, specifically failure that would wound me emotionally. My time in college
has taught me differently so far because of the sheer amount of experiences I have every day
with different people, classes, and professors. By watching the examples of others who take
risks to deepen their understanding and love of their passions, I am empowered to do the same,
even if the risk means that I may experience hurt. Week Ten’s topic of Encountering Brokenness
helped me change my perspective even more. I loved the philosophy behind kintsugi. Kirsten
Helgeson, a woman who leads a kintsugi workshop, puts it simply: “I want people to also know
that their hearts are breakable, and it’s a very good thing, that it’s worth celebrating because it
allows you to grow and expand. And you get to put your heart back together” (“Women Find
Healing Through Kintsugi Workshop” by Grotto - Moreau FYE Week Ten). I knew in the past that
I am breakable, but now I know that I am mendable too. College, in addition to growing
academically, is meant as a place to help students grow in character. I hope to grow in bravery
knowing that though I may encounter failure, I will heal and emerge stronger.

I have never been in a place with such diversity of thought as I am right now in college. Both my
elementary and high schools consisted of very small communities with very similar
backgrounds: we all lived in the same city, had similar socioeconomic status, similar ways of life,
and even uniforms for all thirteen years. I have been friends with some of the same people since

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/10/09/well/family/advice-from-a-formerly-lonely-college-student.html
https://grottonetwork.com/make-an-impact/heal/find-healing-through-kintsugi-art/?utm_source=fall_2021&utm_medium=class&utm_id=moreau
https://grottonetwork.com/make-an-impact/heal/find-healing-through-kintsugi-art/?utm_source=fall_2021&utm_medium=class&utm_id=moreau


I was in kindergarten. When I came to Notre Dame, I came to appreciate the wide range of
identities all brought together in the small town of South Bend. One example of this is in my
Writing and Rhetoric class, in which we are focusing on the rhetoric around the American prison
industrial complex. Given the many layers and implications of the prison industrial complex, it
can easily become a source of controversy and debate. Therefore, before we even began to
learn about the topic, our class created a contract to ensure respectful and productive
discussion. One of the main ideas in the contract that stuck out to me was that we were to be
open-minded listeners––a role that is simple yet entails more than just listening. In Week
Eleven, a quote from Parker J. Palmer’s “Thirteen Ways of Looking at Community” reminded me
of my Writing and Rhetoric class’s goal: “Hard experiences—such as meeting the enemy within,
or dealing with the conflict and betrayal that are an inevitable part of living closely with
others—are not the death knell of community: they are the gateway into the real thing”
(“Thirteen Ways of Looking at Community” by Parker J. Palmer - Moreau Week Eleven). With an
increased diversity of thought, the possibility of disagreement becomes stronger. However, I
believe that this is what makes diversity of thought so much more desirable. Through respectful
communication, communities grow when dealing with disagreement. I will navigate all of my
future disagreements with the goal of growth for others, myself, and the community through
listening, learning, and educating.

Reflecting on the past three months, the period of time from move-in to Thanksgiving Break has
been a long series of many failures and many victories. In terms of failures, or rather, “bumps in
the road,” my college academic career has challenged me like nothing I have ever experienced
before. There are numerous times when I have contemplated switching my major or turning in
subpar work due to sheer exhaustion and confusion toward course material. I have often felt lost
in my college social life and have found myself missing home many times. During Week Twelve,
we explored the concept of hope, especially in the context of cycles, during Moreau. One quote
that stuck out to me was from C.S. Lewis’s “The Screwtape Letters”: “As long as [humans live]
on earth periods of emotional and bodily richness and liveliness will alternate with periods of
numbness and poverty...some of [God’s] special favorites have gone through longer and deeper
troughs than anyone else” (“The Screwtape Letters” by C.S. Lewis - Moreau Week Twelve). In
this quote, the devilish Screwtape writes to his subordinate Wormwood about human nature and
behavior. Screwtape observes that human life is fickle and erratic; humans persist through
never-ending cycles of highs and lows. As I mentioned above, this first semester highly aligns
with Screwtape’s observations. Thus, in addition to my failures, I have experienced many
moments of joy, from bonding with my roommate to trying out exciting technologies through my
Engineering Design class. Through the next three and a half years of college, I will keep in mind
Screwtape’s observations: cycles are intrinsic in human life. I know that the “troughs” make the
peaks so much sweeter and that I should not take any of my time here at Notre Dame for
granted, both the highs and the lows.

http://couragerenewal.org/parker/writings/13-ways-of-looking-at-community/
https://canvas.nd.edu/courses/27120/files/188364/download?download_frd=1