Lauerman Integration TWO Moreau First Year Experience December 5th, 2021 Who am I: The Unanswerable Question One of the most important questions I have asked myself this year is who I am, and do I belong here. The latter of the two questions has a lot to do with imposter syndrome, which is when you are in a situation and you feel like you do not belong or are not worthy of your current state (“What is imposter syndrome” by Elizebeth Cox - Moreau FYE Week Nine). I have dealt with imposter syndrome in the past, however never like I have had it to the degree I do now. At the beginning of the year I was doing fine academically, but in discussions with my friends about the college admissions process I began to feel like I might not belong. In conversations, I would hear about all of my friends getting into colleges that I did not. This by itself did not make me feel worse about myself, but as my grade began to decline, it made me feel worse. As previously mentioned, I started out the year pretty strong, but my grades began to slip and in some classes they fell off of a cliff. To take a case in point, during my calculus two class on my third exam, I got the worst grade I have ever gotten on an exam. This hurt me more than I thought it would, and in combination with my previous discussion about colleges, it led to my imposter syndrome. I believe that Elizebeth Cox describes imposter syndrome best in saying that it is not “necessarily linked to depression, anxiety, or self-esteem.” (“What is imposter syndrome” by Elizebeth Cox - Moreau FYE Week Nine) It leaves you a weird feeling, and there is seemingly no easy fix to make it better. I have also had to ask myself who I am this year. As I discussed in my first integration, I do a lot of learning in making mistakes, and because of my many mistakes this semester I have done a lot of self learning. A product of self learning, at least for me, is questioning who I am. One major mistake has led me to do a lot of self reflection into what I care about, what I stand for, and most importantly—who I am. I never had as much self reflection to do in my life prior to mailto:alauerma@nd.edu my mistake. I feel that this was because of a similar reason Fr. John Jenkins, C.S.C. mentions in his Wesley Theological Seminary Commencement speech. In his speech Fr. John Jenkins, C.S.C. talks about how much conviction can all be wiped away from pride and greed. (“Wesley Theological Seminary Commencement” by Fr. John Jenkins, C.S.C. - Moreau FYE Week Ten) To be completely honest, I still do not have answers to these questions, but with each day I feel that I am getting closer and closer to being able to answer them. One thing that was previously “black and white,” but is now more ambiguous and undefined is what is hope. Prior to coming to Notre Dame, I only thought of hope as believing that something unlikely will happen like the Philadelphia Seventy Sixers actually winning a championship. However, after coming to Notre Dame, I believe that my definition of hope has become more nuanced, but at the same time, it is more undefined. Through my current education, I have begun to see hope in two respects, religiously and agnostically. As I first read in Holy Cross and Christian Education, hope is “trusting in the cross and God’s promise of the kingdom.” (“Holy Cross and Christian Education” by Campus Ministry at the University of Notre Dame - Moreau FYE Week Twelve) In this respect, hope is relatively straightforward at first but saying is a lot easier than doing. Trusting in the cross and God’s promise is one of those things for me that is very easy to do when things are going well, but at the slightest inconvenience, is tough to do. I have found that when going through tough times throughout the year, it is harder to have hope and it is not the first thing I tend to look for when going through tough times. However, I believe that it is this tough nature that makes hope so valuable in a religious context because truly trusting in the cross and God’s promise means doing so when times are at their toughest. The agonistic definition of hope I believe I have come across is that hope is a motivator. However, the degree to which it can motivate varies a lot by the person. Through my experiences, I believe that some people can create hope intrinsically, but for me, I have learned that hope is extremely difficult to derive intrinsically. Hope, rather, must be curated by those around you. This is not to say that I can not create hope by myself, but that it is much easier to be hopeful if those surrounding you are supportive and hopeful as well. In the same way, if you literally fall most people can get back, but it is much easier if someone is willing to offer you a hand up. Lastly, one thing that has grown in importance as a result of my Notre Dame journey is my awareness of social issues. Through classes, even in ones I did not expect like in World War II, I learned about the importance of social change and being aware of issues that are not constantly talked about in the common discourse. For example, in Moreau, I had the opportunity to look at redlining in communities. (“Diversity Matters!" by Prof. Agustin Fuentes - Moreau FYE Week 11) I became aware of the current and past practices in relation to housing that has created segregation by hoursing. At first I thought this was only a problem of the city shown in the video, but after looking at the map myself, I became aware of the fact that this happens everywhere. I saw the effects in my hometown of Philadelphia and its suburbs. I am almost certain that without my Notre Dame education, I would not have wanted to go beyond and learn more about a social issue.