merry Tales of the mad men of Gotam.  
Gathered together by A. B. of Physic Doctor.   

¶ Here beginneth certain merry tales of the mad men of Gotam.  

¶ The first tale.  
There was two men of Gotam, & the one was going to the market to Nottyngham to buy sheep and the other did come from the Market, and both met together upon Nottingham bridge. Well met said the one to the other. Whether be you going (said he that came from Nottyngeham, to him that went to Nottingeham.) Marry said be that went to Nottyngham, I go to the market to buy sheep. Buy sheep said the other? and which way wilt thou bring them. Marry said the other. I will bring them over this bridge. By Robin hood said he that came from Nottingham, but thou shalt not. By Maid Maryon said he that went to the market but I will. Thou shalt not said the other. I will said the other. Let bear, said the one. Shows there, said the other. They beat their staves against the ground, one against the other, as there had been a hundred seepe betwixt them. Hold in there laid the one. Beware of 〈…〉yng over the bridge of my sheep said the other, I care not sa●d the other, they shall not come this way by the mass. By the mass said the other, but they shall. Then said the other, and thou make much to do, I will put my finger in thy mouth. A turd thou wilt, said the other. And as they wear at this contention, another man of Gotam did come from the market with a sack of meal upon an horse. And seeing & hearing his neighbours at strife, for sheep, and none betwixt them said a fools will you never learn wit. Help we said be that had the meal, and lay my sack upon my shoulder, they did so. And he went to the one side of the bridge, and un loosed the mouth of the sack, and did shake out all his meal in to the river, now neighbour said this man, how much meal is there in my sack now, mary there is nove at all said they, Now by my faith said he even as much wit is in your two heads, to strive for that thing which ye have not.  
Which was the wisest of all these three persons? Judge you.   

¶ The two. tale.  
There was a man of Gotam did ride to thee market with two bussheles of wheat, and because his horse should not bear heavy, he carried his corn upon his own neck, and did ride upon his horse, because his horse should not carry no heavy burden.   

¶ The three tale.  
On a time the men of Gotam, would have py●ned the Cockow, that she should sing all the year and in the midst of the town they did make a hedge (round in compass,) and they had got a Cocow, and put her in it and said, sing here all the year, and thou shalt lack neither meat nor drink. The Cocow as soon as she was set with in the hedge, flew her way. A vengeance on her said they, we made not our hedge high enough.   

¶ The iiii. tale.  
THere was a man of Gotam the which went to the market to Nottingham to sell cheese. And as he was going down the hill to Nottingham b 〈…〉 e, one of his cheeses did fall out of his poke, and did run down the hill. A horsons said the fellow, can you run to the market alone I will send the one after the other of you. He laid down his poke, and took the cheeses, and did trundle them down the hill one after another: and some ran into one bush, and some into another. And at the last he said I charge you all meet me in the market place. When the fellow did come into the market place to meet his cheeses, he did tarry till the market was almost done. Then he went about, and did inquire of his neighbours, and other men if they did see his cheeses come to the market? Who should bring them? said one of the market men. mary themselves said the fellow, they knew the way well enough. He tarried still till it was night. At night he said a vengeance on them al. I did fear to see that my cheeses did run so fast, that they run beyond the market: I am sure that they be almost now at York. He hired a horse to ride after to York to seek his cheeses where they wear not. But to this day, no man could tell him of his cheeses.   

¶ The v. tale.  
There was a man of Gotam and he did buy at Notting ham a Trefete (or a Brandyron.) And as he was going home, his shoulder did ache: And he did set down his Trefete, and see that it had three feet said, a horsen, hast thou three feet, and I but two, thou shalt bear me home if thou wilt, and did sit down on the trefete and said, bear me as long as I have borne thee, for if thou do not, thou shalt stand still for me. The man of Gotam did see that his Trefete would not go further, stand still said he in the Mare's name, and follow me if thou wilt, I will tell thee the right way to my house. When he did come home to his house his wife said, where is my Brandiron or trefete. The man said he hath three legs, and I have but two legs, and I did teach him the way to my house, let him come home if he will. Where left ye the Trefete said the wife, at Gotam hill, said the man. The wife did run and fetch home her trefete, or else she had lost it.   

¶ The vi tale.  
There dwelled a smith in Gotam the which had a wasps nest in the straw in the end of his Forge. There did come one of his neighbours to have his horse shod, and the wasps wear so busy that the fellow was stung, with a wasp. He being angry said, art thou worthy to keep a Forge, to have men st●nge here with Wasps? O neighbour said the smith, be content. I will put them from their nest buy and buy. He took a Coulter and heated it in his Forge glowing hot, and thrust it into the straw in the end of his Forge. And so he did set his Forge a fire, and did burn it up. Than said the Smythe. I told thee that I would fire them forth of their nests.   

The seven. tale.  
WHen that good friday was come, the men of Gotam did cast their heads together what they should do with their white hearing, and their red hearing, and their sprottes, and salt fish, One consulted with the other, and agreed that all such fish should be cast into their pond or pool (the which was in the middle of their town,) that it might increase against the next year. Every man that had any fish left, did cast it into the pool, the one said I have thus many white hearings, the other said, I have thus many sprats, another said I have thus many red hearings, the other said I have thus much salt fish. Let all go together in to the pool or pond, and we shall far like Lords next lent. At the beginning of the next lent, following, the men did draw their pond to have their syshe: & there was nothing but a great Ele.  
(A said they all) a mychiefe on this Eel, for he hath eat up all our fish. What shall we do with him said the one to the other. Kill him said another. Chop him all to pieces said another. Nay not so said other, let us drown him: be it said all.  
They went to another pool or pond by, and did cast in the Eel into the water. Lie there said they and shift for thyself, for no help thou shalt have of us. And there they left the Eel to be drowned.   

The viii. tale.  
ON a time the men of Gotam had forgotten to pay their rent to their Lord. The one said to the other, to morrow is our pay day, and what reamedy shall we find to send our money to our Lord? The one said this day I have taken a quick Hare, and he shall carry it, for he is light of foot. Be it said all, he shall have a letter, and a purse to put in our money and we will tell him the way. When the Letters wear writ, and the money put into a purse, they did tie them about the Hare's neck saying, first thou must go to Lowghburrow, and then to leicester, and at newwarke there is our Lord, and commend us to him, and there is his duty. The hare as soon as he was out of their hands, he did run a clean contrary way▪ Some cried out to him saying thou must go to Lowghburrow first. Some said let the Hare alone, he can tell a nearer way than the best of us all: let him go.   

The ix. tale.  
ON a time there was one of Gotam mowing in the meads, and found a great grasshopper. He did cast down his sith and did run home to his neighbours and said that there was a Devil in the field that hopped in the grass. Then there was every man ready with clubs and staves, with, halberds, and other weapons, to go to kill the grasshopper. When they did come to the place where that the grasshopper should be. Said the one to the other, let every man cross himself from this devil, for we will not meddle with him. And so they returned home again and said, we wear well blessed this day that we went no further. A cowards said he that had the sith in the mead, help me to fetch my scythe. No said they, it is good to sleep in a whole skin: better it is to lose thy scythe, then to mar us all.   

The x. tale.  
IN a certain time there wear twelve of Gotam did go a fishing, & some did wade in the water, and some stood a dry land. And when that they went homeward, the one said to the other, we have ventured far to day in wading I pray god that none of us (that did come from home) be drowned. Marry said the one to the other, let us see that, for there did twelve of us come out. And they told themselves, and every man did tell a leaven, and the twelve man did never tell himself. Alas said the one to the other there is one of us drowned. They went back to the brook where that they had been fishing and sought up and down for him that was drowned, & did make great lamentation. A courtier did come riding by and did ask what that they did seek. And why they wear so sorry. O said they this day we went to fish this brook and there did come out twelve of us, and one is drowned. Why said the Courtier tell how many be of you. And the one told. xi. and he did not tell himself. Well said the Courtier what will you give me & I will find out twelve 〈◊〉 Sir said they, all the money that we have. give me the money: said the courtier. And he began with the first, and did give him a te●o●bētibus over the shoulders that he groaned, and said there is one: so be served all that they groaned on the matter when he did come to the last he paid him a good saying, here is the twelve man. God's blessing on your heart said nil the company, that you have found out our neighbour.   

¶ The xi. tale.  
THere was a man of Gotam did ride by the way & did find a cheese in the buy way, & he pulled, out his sword, & poryd & prieked with the point of his sword to take by the cheese. There did come another man by & did a light & took up the cheese & rid his way. The man of gotam did ride back to Nottingham to buy a longer sword to take up the cheese. And when he had bought his sword he ●turned back.  
And when he did come to the place where the cheese did lie he pulled out his sword and pricked at the ground saying, a murrion take it, if I had had this sword I had had the cheese.   

¶ The. xii. tale.  
THere was a man of Gotam & he did not love his wife: & she having a fair hear, her husband said divers times that he would cut it of, & he durst not do it when she was waking, but when she was a sleep. So on a night he took up a pair of sheres and laid them under his beads head, the which the wife perceived. And then she did call to her one of her maids and said, go to bead to my husband, for he is minded to cut of my hear to night, let him cut of thy hear, & I will give thee as good a kirtle as ever thou didst wear. The maid did so, & faynded herself a sleep the which the man perceiving cut of the maids hear and did wrap it about the sheets and laid it under his beaddes head, and fell a sleep. The wife made her maid to arise, & took the hear and the shears, & went into the hall & burnt the hear. This man had a horse the which he did love above all things. The wife went into the stable, & cut of the horse tail. & did wrap the shears in the horse tail, and laid it under her husband's head. In the morning she did rise be time, & did sit by the fire keyming her head. At last the man did come to the fire, & saying his wife keyming her head marveled on it the maid seeing her master standing in a brown study said, what a devil aileth the horse in the stable for he bleedeth sare, the good man ran into the stable, & fou●de that h●s horse tail was cut of he went to his beads head & did find the shears wrapped in his horse tail, & did come to his wife saying, I cry the merit for I had thought that I had cut of thy hear to night, & I have cut of my horse tail. Ye said she self do self have, many a man thinketh to do another man a shrewdde turn, and turneth oft times to his own self.   

¶ The. xiii. tale.  
THere was a man in Gotam that laid a wager with his wife that she should not make him cokold. No said she but I can. Spare not said he, do what thou canst, On a time she hid all the sypggots & fassets in the house, and she went into her buttery and set a barrel a brooch, & cried to her husband and said, I prey you bring me hither a spigot and a fasset, or else all the ale will run out. The good man sought up and down and could find none. Come hither said she than, and hold your finger in the tap hole. She pulled out her finger, and the good man put in his. She then called to her a Tailor the which did dwell at the next door, with whom she made a blind bargyne. And within a while she did come to her husband and did bring a spigot & a fasset with her saying pull out your finger out of the tap hole gentle Cuckold for you have lost your bargain. I be shrew thy hair for thy favour said the good man. Make no such bargains than said she with me.   

¶ The xiiii. tale.  
There was a man of Gotam that had take a Bustard, & to the eating of it be did did. iiii. or. v. gentlemen's servants. The wife had killed an old broone goose: and she and two of her gossips had eaten up the buzzard. The old goose was laid to the fire for the gentlemen's servants. When that they were come, and the old goose set before them, what is this said one of the men? The goodman said, a good fat bustard. A bustard said they? it is an old goose, and thou art a knave to mock us. And in a great anger they departed out of the house & went home. The fellow was sorry that the gentleman's servants wear angry, and did take a bag and did put in the Bustardes feathers, and thought to go to them and show them the feathers of the buzzard, and so to please them. The wife prayed her husband (or he went) to fetch in a block to the fire: and in the mean space she did put out all the Bustardes feathers, and did put in the goose feathers. The man taking his purse or bag, went to the gentlemen's servants and said. I pray you be not angry with me for you shall see here that I had a bustard, for here be the feathers▪ & he opened his bag, and did shake out the goose feathers, The gentlemen's servants seeing the goose feathers said, why knave couldst thou not be contented to mock us at home at thine own house, but art come to mock us here, the one took a waster, & did give him a dozen stripes saying, take this for a reward, & mock us no more.   

¶ The xv. tale.  
There was a young man of Gotam the which should go a wooing to a fair maid: his mother did warn him saying, when than dost look upon her, cast a sheeps eye and say, bow day sweet pigs aye? The fellow went to the butchers & bought seven. or. viii. sheepeseyes, & when this lusty wooer did sit, at di●t he would look upon his fair wench & would cast in her face a sheeps eye saying, how do you my pigs nigh. how do I (said the wench swine's face, why dost thou cast the sheeps eye upon me. O sweet pigs eye said he, have at thee another. I defy thee swines face said the wench. The fellow being abashed said, what sweet pig be content for and if thou do live until the next year, thou wilt be a foul sow▪ Walk knave walk said she, for if thou dust live till the next year, thou will be a stark knave a lubber, and a fool. Here a man may see, for a man's good will he shall have evil will & dipleasure.   

¶ The xvi. tale.  
A Man's wife of Gotam was brought a bed of a man child The father did vyd the gossips, the which were children of viii. or nine years of age. The eldest child's name that should be godfather was named Gylbert. The second child was named Humphrey. And the godmothers name was Christabell. The friends of them did monish them saying, that divers times they must say after the priest. When all wear come to the church door, the priest said, be you agreed of the name? be you said Gylbert agreed of the name? Be you said Humphrey agreed of the name. Be you said Chrystabell agreed of the name, the priest said whearfore be you come hither? Gylbert said, wherefore be you come hither. Humphrey said wherefore he you come hither Christabell said whearfore, be you come hither. The priest being amazed could not tell what to say, but whistled & said whew, Gylbert whistled and said whew, Humphrey whistled and said whew, & so did Christabell. The priest being angry said, go home fools go home Go home fools go home said gilbert, go home fools go hom said Humphrey, go home fools go home said Christabell. The priest then provided for God fathers & Godmothers. Here a man may see that children can do nothing with out good instructions. And they be not wise that will regard children's words.   

¶ The xvii. tale.  
THere was a man of Gotam the which should be married, & when the day of marriage was appointed, & the time came that they should be married together, the priest said say after me. The man said say after me. The priest said, say not after me such words but say after me as I will tell thee. The fellow said, say not after me such words, but say after me as I will tell thee. The priest said, thou dost play the fool and the knave, to mock with this holy sacrament of matrimony. The fellow said, thou dost play the fool and the knave to mock with this holy sacrament of matrimony. The priest could not tell what to say, but said what shall I do with this fool? The fellow said, what shall I do with this fool. Farewell said the priest, I will not marry thee. Farewell said the fellow, I will not marry thee. The priest departed: how be it the fellow (by other men) was instructed how to do: & after that he was married. And I hard say such a foolish prank was played at Kingston of late days.   

The xviii. tale.  
There was a Scottish man the which did dwell at gotam, and he had taken an house a little from London, and of it he would make an Inn, and to his Sign he would have a Boar's head. And he went to London to have a Boar's head made. He did come to a Carver (or a Joiner) saying in his mother-tonge, I say spek, kens thou make me a Bare head?; ye said the Carver. Than said the skotyshman, mek me a bare head anent you'll, a thowse bus have xx pence for thy hire. I will do it said the Carver. On S. Andrew's day before christmas (the which is named you'll in Scotland, & in England in the north.) the skottish man did come to Londen for his Boar's head to set at a door for a sign. I say speak said the skotish man, hast thou made me a Bare head? Yea said the Carver. Then thowse a gewd fellow. The Carver went and did bring a man's head of wood that was bare and said, sir here is your bare head. I say said the skotyshman, the mokyl devil, is this a bare head? Ye said the carver. I say said the Shotishman, I will have a bare head, sick an head as doth follow a Sew that hath Gryces. Sir said the carver, I can not tell what is a Sew, nor what is a Gryce. whet herson, kenst thou not a sew that will greet & groan, & her gryces will run after her & cry a week a week. O said the Carver, it is a pig. Yea said the skotish man, let me have his father's head made in timber, & mek me a bird & set it on his skalps, and cause her to sing whip whir, whip whir. The carver said, I can not cause her to sing whip whir. When whoreson said the skotish man gar her as she would sing whip whir.  
Here a man may see that every man doth delight in his own senses, or doth rejoice in his fantasy   

¶ The nineteen. tale.  
IN old time when as these afore said Jests was (as men of that country reporteth) that such fantastical matters wear done at gotam (the which I can not tell half.) The wives wear gathered together in an ale house and the one said to the other that they wear all profitable to their husbands. Which way good gossips said the Ale wife. The first said, I shall tell you all good gossips: I can neither bake nor brew nor I can do no work, wherefore I do make every day holiday & I go to the ale house, because at all times I cannot go to the church, & in the ale house I pray to God to speed well my husband. And I do think my prayer shall do him much more good than my labour if I could work. Then said the second, I am profitable to my husband in saving of candles in winter for I do cause my husband and all my house solkes to go to bead by daylight, & to rile by daylight. The third wife said, & I am profitable to my husband in spending of bread, for I will eat but little, for to the drinking of a gallon or two of good ale, I care for no meat. The fourth wife said, I am loath to spend meat & drink at home in my own house, wherefore I do go to the wine tavern at Nottingham, & do take wine, and such things as god shall send me there. The fift wife said a man shall ever have more company in another man's house then his own (& most commonly in an Ale house is the best cheer in a town.) And for sparing of meat & drink and other necessaries, I do go to the ale house. The sixth wife said, my husband hath will, and flax and tow: and to spare it, I go to other men's houses to do other men's work. The seventh wife said, I do spare my husband's wood & coal, and do sit talking all the day by other men's fires. The eight said, beef, mutton, & pork is dear, wherefore I do spare it, & do take pig, goose, hen, chicken conye and capon, the which be of lower price. The ninth said, & I do spare my husband's soap & lie, for when he should be washed once in a week, I do wash once in a quarter of a year. Then said the ale wife, and I do keep my husbands ale (that I do brew,) from souring. For where as I was wont to drink up all, now I do have never a drop.   

The. xx. tale.  
ON Ash wednesday the priest of gotam would make a colation to his parishioners and said, friends the time is come that you must use prayer and fasting, & alms deeds, and this week come you to shrift, and I will tell you more of my mind, for as for prayers, I think there bitten not two persons in the parish can say half their Pater noster. As for fasting you fast still: for you have not a good meals meat through the whole year. As for alms deeds, what should you do to give any thing, that hath nothing to take to. But when that you do come to shrift, I will tell you more of my mind. After mass, the good man that did keep the ale house, did come to shrift, & above all things be confessed himself to be drunk divers times in the year, specially in Lent. The priest said in Lent thou shouldest moste refrain from drunkenness, & abstain from drink. Not so said the fellow, for it is an old proverb, that fish must swim, Ye said the priest, it must swim in water. I cry God mercy said the fellow. I thought it should have swom in good ale.   

¶ The xxi tale.  
SO one after another the men of Gotam did come to shrift, & when they were shriven the priest said I cannot tell what penance to give you. If I should enjoin you to prayer, there is none of you that can say your Pater noster, & you be now to old to learn. And i● 〈◊〉 ●nioye you to fast, it wear but foolishness, for you do not eat a good meals meat in a year. Wherefore I do enjoin the to labour well the week, that thou mayst farewell to dinner on the sundays: and I will come to dnner and see that it be so, and take part. Another man he did enjoin to far well the monday. And another the tuesday. And so one after another, that one or other should far well once a week, that he might have part of the meat. And as for alms deeds the priest said, you be but beggars all, except it be one or two, therefore bestow the alms on your own selves.   
FINIS.   

Imprinted at London in Fletstret, beneath thf Conduit, at the sign of S. John Evangelist, by Thomas Colwe●.