THE counters COMMONWEALTH, OR A VOYAGE MADE TO an Infernal ISLAND long since discovered by many Captains, Seafaring-men, Gentlemen, Merchants, and other Tradesmen:  
BUT THE CONDITIONS, Nature's, and qualities of the people there inhabiting, and of those that traffic with them, were never so truly expressed or lively set forth as  
BY WILLIAM FENNOR HIS majesties SERVANT.  
LONDON Printed by Edward Griffin for George Gibbes and are to be sold at his shop in Paul's Churchyard at the sign of the Floure-de-luce. 1617.   

Ad Lectorem, Sufficit scire locum esse in Carcere:  

It is enough to know, too much to see  
That in the Compter there is room for thee.    

TO ALL CASHIERED Captains, or other their inferior Officers, heedless and headless young Gentlemen, especially elder brothers, forsaken Country-Clients, or any other of what art or fashion soever, that shall by chance, rather mischance, be unresistably encountered, and so become tenants against their wills, within the Territories of this ensuing Commonwealth, greeting and meeting, rather at an Ordinary then here.  
Worthy Gentlemen;  
I Rest assured this small volume (being no Elephantine load of Mogoulian story, compiled by the wandering Pawne-Knight of Troy) will be bought and read over by many, how it will be censured. I know not, or how I shall be reputed for publishing it, to deal plainly, I care not, so it bring future benefit to my Country, 
* And some present benefit to myself.  and content to the judicious, to whom I commend it for two especial reasons. The first stands grounded on these three points▪ a Prospective Glass, an Instructive Book, and a Suspective blow. For as Prospective set to the sight of a man's eye, will draw the Object so near the sense, that he may discern whether his opposite be friend or foe, and make haste too, either to embrace the one, or shun the other, before he come near him: so in this glass, a young Gentleman may plainly perceive the folly that reigns in others, and seek to eschew them before they take hold, which will hurry him into these inconveniences. It is a book to instruct young heirs to keep out of books and bonds, which oftentimes are the main cause of their overthrow, and brings that long suspected blow upon their shoulders, which if it chance to light here, they may clearly discover the Keeper's large conscience, and be thoroughly instructed to shun their extortion. My second reason is an Apology, to shield me from those wounding tongues, that may perhaps tax me for writing so harshly against Citizens, Prodigals, sergeant and other Officers, to such I answer, let the galled jade winch till he break his heels against my buckler, which thus I advance. How much I reverence and respect the Right Worshipful Order of this famous City in their just proceedings, let my best and utmost service be a true witness. Neither seem I to carp at the bounty or large expense of young Gentlemen, whose means and birth are correspondent. No, no, I rather encourage and commend their worths, for of such there are too few, and for their sakes only, I have discovered what traps and snares are daily set by careless Unthrifts, to wind them into the like ruin they themselves are in▪ They have strange devices, and a certain kind of longing to cast their estates in a consumption, by which their persons may lie languishing under that infectious disease, wherewith they themselves are poisoned, by the incurable plague of poverty. Concerning sergeant, I hope there are none so shallow conceited, to think my pen so full of vinegar, to write against their mere profession, which in a well-governed State is so necessary. I rather wish they were as free from abusing their place and office, as I am from disliking of it, and then a shorter chapter would serve to discover their sinister devices & treacherous dealings, which I have observed so carefully, that if any of the fraternity of the Mace-mongers chance to fall sick at the conceit, let them but diligently view it over, and they shall find as comfortable cordials to refresh the heart, as I did from that cold caudle when they first arrested me, which I willingly bestow upon them in requital. But me thinks I hear some curious Critic murmur before he hath read over half the preamble, because I entitle it a Commonwealth, and begin it so singly with myself: to such I answer my unwilling experience and not reports of that they shall read hereafter, emboldened me to write the truth, that I have tried, which may beget belief in those that read, if not, I wish it may be their good fortunes to go the voyage, and let them confute me if they can. If any shall object what reason I have to discourse of the four branches, before I come to the main body of the Commonwealth, and stand so long on them, deferring their expectations, let them rest satisfied with this answer. A building cannot be raised without a groundwork, or a tree will seem naked without branches, and a man wanting limbs to support him, is but a decrepit body, which I considering have adorned this Ocean with complete Rivers, which are indeed the best Benefactors that belong to it. The first three chapters show how distress and oppression joined hands to wound my weak and unprovided estate, by which single example, all o her may discern the true usage they shall receive from the kind Keepers, if their means once fail or their friends for sake them. The four chapters following, lay open the four arms or currents, with their several natures, that bring supply to this body or main Ocean, which in the last three chapters is lively anatomised. The cruelty of Keepers and the misery of Prisoners. For the truth of which I have quoted an authority in the margin, and for your delight mingled it with many pleasant discourses, which I freely send abroad to all, either to those that have been passengers through this troublesome Ocean, and know the danger, or to any that shall hereafter, upon special occasion, beforeed to make proof of this relation. Lastly, to those that have no desire to venture this voyage, but will rather be contented to sit at home and read the the discovery. I commend it with as much love as Keepers bear to prisoners purses when they have money in them, wishing it might prove as delightful to them, as their ill dealings were hateful to me, and so farewell. From the Compter in Woodstreet. 1616. Octob. 23.  
Yours in what he may, thus bestraited and distracted, William Fenner,   

THE COMPTERS COMMONWEALTH. OR A voyage made to an infernal Island, long since discovered by many Captains, Sea-faring-men, Gentlemen, Merchants, and other Tradesmen.  
The Penner WILLIAM FENNOR His majesties Servant.  

CHAP. I. Containing, 1. The manner of my arrest. 2. The description of a brace of Sergeants. 3. Their counsel to me, 4. My coming into prison. 5. The Description of a jailor. 6. And my entertainment into the Masterside.  
WAlking (not long since) in an evening through the city, when the Heavens were muffled up in clouds, as many of our modern Gallants faces are in their cloaks, and being in a fixed meditation with myself, a Trinobantine Burger (coming in haste) ran full but at me with his head, so that he had nigh gored me into the kennel, (I took him to be some complete harnessed benchbeleagerer, for he had a wrought nightcap on his head to keep the broth of his wit warm, satin sleeves, a taffeta jerkin to cover his canvas back; and a pair of velvet hose.) ay, for his unexpected courtesy, not forgetting to give him the good time of the night, up with my sword scabbard and all, and took him a sound knock o'rethwart the pate, that if the most head-strongst ox that ever was sacrificed in Saint Nicholas Shambles, had received but half such a blow, it would have staggered him; but he like a valiant and provident Tradesman, bore it off with his Sinciput and shoulders and ran away.  
I (as glad I was rid of him as he of me) posted as fast to my lodging, as a released prisoner (hay ho a prisoner) from the jail, for fear he should run to the Compter and enter an action against me; but having escaped the Charybdis of this danger, I instantly fell into the Scylla of a more deep and dreadful than the first, for as I was making homewards, a brace of Bandogs belonging to one of the Compters, most cowardly came snarling behind me, and fastened on my shoulder, giving me this salutation. Sir we arrest you in the King's majesties name, and we charge you to obey us.  
These Ravens had no sooner croaked out this ominous message, but I looked as blank as those that sold all their estate, and ventured it at a lottery and drew blank, or an old Usurer when he hears of a Privy seal, or a coppy-holder plow-holder when be is served with a Sub poena; but all could not prevail, I was forced to obey them for fear of further inconvenience, so rendered my weapon into their hands; and my body to the Laws of my Sovereign, telling them the thunder I so much feared, was now fallen on mine head. Yet the thought of my arrest did not so much affright me as the countenances of those peuterbuttond, shoulderclapping Catchpoles that seized on my body. The one had a face ten times worse than those jews that are pictured 
The description of a brace ● of sergeant.  in Arras-hanging whipping christ, his black hair hung dangling about his ears like Elfelockes, that I cannot be persuaded, but some Succubus begot him on a Witch, his nose was precious, richly rubified, & shined brighter than any Summoner's snout in Lancashire. The other of these Pagans had a phisnomy much resembling the Saracens head without Newgate, and a mouth as wide vaulted as that without Bishopsgate: I was in a great doubt whether he were an Englishman or no, for I was certified a Dane begot him on a Swissers wife: and to make him show the more like himself, his ill-favoured visage was almost eaten through with pock-holes, (the Grand I hope) so that half a parish of children might easily have played at cherry-pit in his face.  
These Furies had no sooner fastened their sharp flesh-hooks on my shoulders, but they (as their fashion is) began to exhort me to patience, telling me, I ought not to be incensed against them, for they were but the Ministers and Executioners of the Law, and that the Mace which they held in their clutches, was put into theirs by the hand of justice, that they were both for the good of the Commonwealth, and the discharge of their own consciences, sworn to execute their office though it were upon their own father, that I being so gracious in the Court, could not long be detained in the Compter, that after I had been resident there but one quarter of a year (if it should be my ill fate to stay there so long) I would not lose the rich experience I should learn there for ten times so much debt I was arrested for. And lastly, swore as they were Christians, they would do me what kindness lay in their power, either persuading my Creditor to come to a reasonable composition, or provide me Bail, the Cormorants told me true, for they swore as they were Christians they would do me good, but being contrary to them, played the jews, and falsified their oaths with me, for I never saw them after I was mewed up in the Compter. But before I was matriculated in one of these city universities, by persuasion they got me into a Tavern not far from (the enchanted Castle) the Prison, and there milked me out of all my money to stuff their paunches with wine and good cheer: but their guts and garbage being full-gorged, they told me it was time to repair to the Compter, for if the Sheriff their master should be certified of their detaining a Prisoner so long after an arrest, it would be a great prejudice to them, and small good to myself: so I discharging the reckoning, wishing them choked, and all their fellow varlets, that ever after should taste of my bounty (when I began to sent their roguery) came over with them, so bid them farewell and behanged.  
But here is one serious point not to be slipped over, for the Cerberus that turned the key of the Compter-gate, no sooner saw those hell-guides bringing me in, but he set the door as wide open to receive me, as Westminster Hall is in the termtime to country Clients, which put me in mind of that odd old verse in the Poet,  Noctes atque dies pate● atri ianua Ditis. 
I no sooner was entered into this Infernal Island (where many men lie winde-bound sometimes four or five years together) but a fellow (whom at first sight I took to be a Gardener, because he had somewhat a reddish beard and turned up withal) called me to a book (no Bible or Divinity, but rather of Negromancy, for all the Prisoners called it the Blacke-booke) coming to it, he demanded my name, I told him, and then he set it down as horses are in Smithfield at the Tole-booth. This ceremony being ended, he asked me whether I would go to the Masterside, the Knight's ward, or any other place of a cheaper rate; I answered the best, though it were the dearest, for I did hope to get my liberty before a week was expired: upon this determination there was one called to show me the way to my lodging, who upon the first call made no delay, but instantly came wadling down stairs. He was a 
The desciption of one of the underiaylours.  gross fellow, one that had a fat body though a lean brain, a face of a sanguine complexion, and an heart correspondent to the same, he had a motley beard cut round like a rubbing brush, so that if all the skin of his body had been like that of his face, it would have served excellent well when he had been dead to make cloakebags of: This lump of man's flesh (that like a foreman of a jury could speak nothing so well as guilt) conveyed me up a pair of stairs, and so to a door, where another Fury like himself sat, telling me, that if I meant to have entrance there, I must pay my fees, or else I could have no farther passage that way, a shilling was his demand, which he would have, or else I must return the same way I came; I (seeing nothing but a silver key would open this lock) gave him his fee, wishing the weight of that twelve pence in Aqua fortis or Mercury water in his neck, but having shot this gulf, my corpulent conductor brought me through a little Gallery, which led us to a spacious Room, and then into a Hall hung round about with the story of the Prodigal child (a very edifying piece of workmanship for the guests of that place) being come into this uncouth and strange place, my guide (with a countenance as sour as any mustard-maker in the City) bade me welcome, and told me that there was a garnish to be paid: But I that understood the Hebrew, the Syriake or Chaldean language as well as his speech, asked him what that was, he told me two shillings would discharge it, I mildly certified him, I was not at that unhappy present so well furnished, beside I was ignorant whether any such thing were due to him, or no; at this answer he roused himself up like an angry mastiff, and being in collar, in a currish manner barked out these words to me. Sir, if you mean to lie on this side, you must and shall pay me my fees, or (though you be no Alderman) I will be so bold as to uncloake you. I seeing him so resolute, and myself joath to lie without a bed, because it was late, put mine arm into my pocket, which was so soar with the sergeant gripping, that I had much ado to pull two shillings out of it; that being discharged, like a base viol) he went grumbling up stairs with me, and brought me to my lodging, richly hung with cobweb-lawn. So having showed me my bed, whereon he clapped a pair of sheets, that never came nigh Holland by three hundred mile, left me a piece of candle scarce so long as his nose, locked up the door, bid me good-night, went down jingling his keys, and left me to my repose.   

CHAP. II. 1. Mine acquaintance with my fellow-prisoners. 2. Mine entertainment at dinner time the next day. 3. The character of a prison. 4. The Keeper's kindness to me while I had money. 5. Their unkindness to me when I had none. 6. Lastly their transporting me from the Masterside to the Knight's ward.  
But what with change of my lodging, and meditating of mine entertainment, I slept not at all, but like a true Malcontent, made my brains the minutes to every clock I heard, betwixt whose several sounds the watch of mine invention beating up my panting heart hammered forth a hundred strange cogitations: thus lay I longing for day, at whose approach, I might discern the manner of my new distasteful lodging, which looked so confused, rasty and ominous, that every object presented new grief, and struck me into further consideration of this worse than woeful purgatory, wherein I lay plunged by the froward will of Fate, dreading the danger I was in, and doubting how long this unwelcome affliction might continue. In the midst of my musing, my chamber-fellows awaked, whom I conjectured to be of the same fellowship of affliction that I myself was: I saluted them with a Bon-iour, they perceiving me to be a stranger, gratified my good-morrow with a Bien, ask of me whether I came in upon an arrest or a command; I answered, with a deep sigh and sad voice, faith Gentlemen I am arrested to my grief, God help me, at which words I could scarce refrain from tears, which caused my kind chamber-fellows to pity my present sorrows, and apply some words of comfort to expel them. In the same chamber lay an Attorney: who began to be more busy than the rest, who perceiving I was apt to give ear to any new conceited hope, slipped on his black suit (which was worn bare for want of brushing) and coming to my bed side, whispered in mine ear, and told me if I would rise he could tell me something for my good; these words possessed each part with more than haste to hear this unexpected kindness, so being with speed appareled, down the stairs posted I and my Attorney, who taking me by the hand, demanded of me whether I were in upon action or execution, I answered, an action of 100▪ pound, to which he replied he would have me out presently, and with an Habeas Corpus remove my cause to the King's Bench and so farewell. I (thinking the doors had been blown open already by his breath) stood in a maze, considering with myself whether he were mortal or no, yet marking that his crabbed countenance accorded with his counsel, for which he greedily gaped for ten groats, I began to pause with myself, & asked him what the charge would amount to, he told me for 40. shillings he would undertake to set me free, I told him I would consider a little of it, & then he should hear my resolve: & so we transcended to our former lodging chamber, where we found all our associates upon their legs, some button, some trussing, others taking Tobacco, to expel noisome savours, they all kindly saluted me, & so from complementing & talking, we fell to drinking (the only remedy to drive away melancholy, and bring strangers acquainted) thus we passed away the morning while seruicetime, which being spent in devotion, the table was covered and up came our dinner, at which each man sat down without respecting of persons, for he that first comes is first seated like those that come to see plays; or go to dinner at an ordinary, but I (being the youngest prisoner as their fashion is) sat at the upper end of the table, to which preferment by much entreaty, I was advanced, short grace served for sharp stomachs, & so to't they fell without circumstance. But I seeing all their teeth labouring so hard, thought foul shame mine should stand idle, began to accompany my quick shavers, but as I was about to put meat into my mouth, one with his mouth half full, mumbled out and ill tuned speech of a garnish, the Vintner's boy that waits for such purposes, was ready with a pottle of claret, who filling a bowl brimme-full, set it on my trencher, and so I was entreated to drink to all the society, and compelled to pay for it when I had done: these plagues dived deeper into my pockets then Gravesend searchers do into ships, to find out uncustomed commodities. Thus having finished our feast (and waiting for no banquet) we rose, every man disposing of himself as he pleased, only myself guided by the evil Fatewalkt into the fore-roome, where the fraternity of Keepers and other servants of the house were feeding on the fragments that were reserved from our table, I with a common salutation bad much good do them, but when they had emptied their crammed jaws, told me there was a certain garnish to be paid, I now being too well acquainted with that language, told them plainly I would pay no more, to which they replied and said, that then I should have my liberty no more, for all the rest of my fellow-prisoners had paid it, and except I would be their imitators and come off roundly, I should be barred of that privilege the rest of my associates had, I, loath to be penned up like a Lion in the Tower, and have no more liberty then to look through an iron grate, demanded the sum, they told me sixpence, to send for a quart of claret wine, which was the last testor that remained in my peaceful pockets, at last, flinging it to them, I walked up to my lodging again, and thereby chance espied a standish and a sheet of undefiled paper, which being fit for my purpose, I made bold with, and in the midst of melancholy, writ this character of a prison.  
It is a Fabric built of the same stuff, the Keepers of it are made of, stone and iron: It is an unwholesome full-stuffed humorous body. which hath an Hole in the posteriors of it, whence it vents many stinking, noisome and unsavoury smells, which is the only cause there is such a perpetual sickness and disease in it: It is a book where an honest man may learn and read a lesson of bettering himself, and where a bad man may study to be ten times worse: it is a costive creature, that surfeits almost all the year long, yet very seldom doth purge itself; and when it doth it leaveth abundance of ill humours behind; when Epimetheus opened Pandora's box, there did not more mischiefs and maladies fly out of it into the world, than there is in this cursed place, for it hath more sicknesses predominating in it, than there are in twenty French Hospitals, or at the bath, in the spring or fall of the leaf; It is a Bankrupts banqueting house, where he sits feasting himself with dishes borrowed from other men's tables, without any honest determination to repay them again: It is a Prodigals purgatory, and a sickness that many young Gentlemen, and Citizens sons and heirs are incident to be troubled with, at the age of one and twenty or much thereabout, It is a dicing house, where much cheating is used, for there is little square dealing to be had there, yet a man may have what bail he will for his money.  
This being finished, I viewed it over, but as I was reading of it, I was called down to speak with a friend that came to visit me in my new transformation, and after some formal gossiping discourses, as I am sorry to see you beer, How were you met with all, and what hard hap had you, and such like) lent me a brace of Angels, the sight of which two fair creatures, made me courageous, and a companion for the best, I then roused▪ my heart up to a strain of mirth, which caused the Gentlemen to delight in my company, the keepers began to wax diligent, I could no sooner name a bottle of Ale, but it was ready to fly into my face, the Vintner's boy was ready at mine elbow, that if I called but for a quart of sack or claret, would forget his errand by the way, and for his own profit present me with a pottle. In this jovial vain I wasted my money and time, never desiring to deal with mine Attorney for my liberty, because I understood by others, that it was only a trick to worm me out of my money. Many such supplies I had to uphold my mirth, but none to dischage my debts, which began to increase, for every day brought in a new action, till the total sum of my debts had drawn a head, & joined their forces in the Paperhouse.  
But at the end of the week when they use to call for their reckoning (which is for diet and lodging) they willingly trusted me, telling me there was no such haste, thus I frolikt out three weeks on the Masterside, thinking my credit stood built on the firm rock of their kindness, whereas indeed (as the sequel shall unfold) it was sunk in the quickesands of their cruelty. For having run myself into a months arrearages, my friends began to wax weary of supplying my wants, and the keepers (knowing of it) unwilling to trust me any farther, thus both my friends and hopes shook hands with me, and bade me farewell; to be brief, the month being ended, my fat fellow (before mentioned) like a watchman came with a bill in his hand, to make a privy search in my purse, but finding it altogether unprovided for his purpose, returned the bill to the book without any cross language, upon the view of these unsatisfied figures, there arose a thunderclap of conspiracy against me, for my present transportation over from the Masterside to the Knight's ward, but I that scorned to be frighted with the first flash of false fire, defended myself with good words that night, and so went to bed, determining with myself (rather than be offensive to them which might more incense them against me) the next day to go quietly over myself, and not to discredit myself so much, as to be forced over by compulsion; so the next morning, as soon as I was ready, I took my leave of all my fellows on that side, and instantly went over, writing these few verses in a little piece of paper, and left them to the perusing of my kind Comrades.  

To all my friends that hear this single story,  
If you to try their kindness have occasion,  
Being possessed i'th' Compters Territory,  
Whilst money last they'll please thee with persuasion:  
But being spent, they change their first evasion  
To their own shapes, when they your wealth have won,  
With you they'll deal, as they with me have done.   
Thus leaving the Masterside, I kindly entreat your patience to walk over to the Knight's ward with me, and partake of the fruits of my new society, & strange unexpected entertainment.   

CHAP. III. 1. Mine entrance into the Knight's ward. 2. My rough usage. 3. The description of a commanding officer in that place. 4. My strange acquaintance with a company of Gentlemen, being all prisoners. 5. The occasion of this ensuing discovery. 6. And lastly, the entrance into this discovery.  
I No sooner came down the Masterside stairs, but a key was turned for me, so up went I into the Knight's side, but did go as heavily (howsoever I laid a brave and guilded out side upon my heavy and leaden discontent) as those poor prisoners that go up Newgate stairs, after they come condemned from the Session's house. At first I went through a long dark gallery, that represented the place it was most like, Hell; for it was as gloomy, as if the Raven-like wings of night did continually cover it, having passed through this Egyptian fog, on a sudden I stepped into the Hall, where men were walking up and down, as thick as Merchants do on the Exchange between twelve and one in the afternoon, being entered, I began to play my part as well as I could, and thus to salute them.  
Gentle men, God save you all, may that you all long for happen unto you all, Liberty; courteously they returned the like to me, and bad me welcome holding me in discourse concerning my forsaking the Masterside, but as I was making an Apologetical defence for my poverty, and a true narration of their cruelty that turned me over, I was interrupted by a fellow, whose character I thus will describe unto you. He was a tall rawboned thing, and might very well at Mid▪ summertime, have served in steed of a Maypole, had he been in a country town, for all the hob-nail-wearers in the parish to dance about; his face was much like a withered warden, and wrinkled all over-like an Apple-john of a year old, he was chap-fallen, and looked like the picture of Famine, the hair that grew upon his mussel was so black, that I thought he had a couple of black puddings round about his chaps, besides all these exterior endowments, his internal virtues were as many, for he was as proud as a new made Constable, and would move his hat no more to any man that came within his jurisdiction, than a Lawyer will to a poor client, though he stand two hours together bare before him, this compound of ill qualities (I say) very roughly came to me, when Heaven knows I never dreamt of such a mischief, and thus accosted me.  
Sir are you a Prisoner? yea sir, said I, Fortune and the world have been my heavy adversaries, who conspiring together, have concluded that I must lie here while the Divine providence doth break the Adamantine bond of my dull and Saturnine mishaps. But sir, said he, have you any money? If I have none (said I) make no doubt but my supplies will come in to morrow, and then what is fit to be done, I will see satisfied: nay (said he) I must not be procrastinated, prorogued or demurred withal, I must have a Garnish of you, a parcel of eighteen pence, I will not spare you if you were my father; I believed him, therefore gave him fair words, desiring him to be calmer, and the next money that I was blest withal, he should participate of, at this answer he began to look as scurvily on me, as a whore on a constable, a beggar on a bead●● or whipping post, as a cheater on a justice; and began to rend out three or four three-piled, huge Basilisco oaths, that would have torn a Roring-boyes ears in a thousand shatters, telling me, that the quality of my usage should be according to the quantity of my money: which I found true, for when it drew near bed time, he brought me to a privy lodging (of indeed a lodging neighbouring nigh the Privy) for the chamber stinks worse all the year long, than a lakes-farmers clothes doth at twelve a clock at night. But days rosiate finger had no sooner bored out the eyes of night, but I got up, and began in a solitary and sad manner to mourn and pity myself, being more amazed than those that dreamt they saw hell, and had felt the tortures thereof, or those that drunk of Circe's cups, and felt themselves turning monsters. Being thus drenched in a boundless sea of melancholy, for the space of a fortnight or three weeks together, Iresolued to walk into the yard, to see if I could espy any of my friends that were in the Masterside, purposing to spend the day away in discourse, but I walked there an hour or more, and saw none but such as were as melancholy as myself, so I determined to walk up again, but by chance I turned my head aside, and saw the cellar door standing open, gaping to swallow any prisoner that drew near, so hoping to find some of mine old acquaintance there, I stepped down, and being no sooner descended, but I beheld a company of Gentlemen, all prisoners, sitting at a square table, making themselves exceeding merry with the music the cans made, being as brimful of beer, at mine heart was of melancholy, or theirs of mirth, some having the pipes never out of their mouths, who puffed more smoke out of their noses, than ever came out of Cole-harbar chimneys, or any brewhouse in Saint Katherine's: some again singing as merrily, as if they had been as free as the mountain air, I seeing them in these Bacchanaliall rages, fain would have slipped by them, but one that sat at the upper end of the table (having a Can in one hand and a pipe in the other) desired me to approach and be one of their society (protesting more kindness to me, than a Dutchman will when he is drunk) so proffered me half a can; I told him I could not pledge him so much, but I would drink a whole one in conceit; why quoth he, not drink, Foot, man it is the soul of good fellowship, the marrow of a Poets Minerva, it makes a man as valiant as Hercules, though he were as cowardly as a French man when he is sober, beside I will prove it necessary for a man to be drunk sometimes, for suppose you should kill a man when you are drunk, you should never be hanged for it while you are sober, therefore I think it is good for you to be always drunk, again, it is the kindest companion and friendliest sin of all the seven, for whereas most sins leave a man (by some accident) before his death, this trusty Trojan Drunkenness will never forsake him while the breath is out of his body; and lastly, a full bowl of sack or claret, or a Can of strong beer, will drowned all sorrows; indeed sir, said I, whether it will drowned all sorrows or no, I am not greatly experienct in, but I am sure it will drowned our souls, yet sir, for your kindness I will bestow the courtesy of the cellar upon you, and so I called for half a dozen, and drank a little to them all; another that was opposite against me, asked me if I would drink Tobacco, so proffered me the pipe, which I denied, telling him that I would not be conversant with that Indian whore, that not only the Lords and Gentry of the Land had committed adultery with, but also every Tinker, Cobbler and Dray-man of the City. Why, said he, it is an excellent purge for the head, true, said I, but it is a wild purge for the purse, and that for mine own part, I had rather have a piece of pudding of an inch long for mine own eating, then twenty yards of pudding Tobacco for my drinking, they seeing my fixed and solid resolution, let me alone to have mine own humour as they had theirs; so that we sat exceeding merry without any melancholy fit, and at the last, I began to give them a touch of my quality, but after we began to be more familiar together, he that first entertained me, whispered me in the ear, and told me, if he thought I would be secret, he would reveal that to me, which should not only for ever gain me a never-dying memory, but also would be an unknown profit to the Commonwealth, I promised him to be as secret as any Surgeon, than he called me aside from the rest of our company, and told me, if I would repair to him in the morning, he would unbowel the hugest bulk of villainy, that ever was burden some to the world, that he would anatomize vice, and lay the ulcers and sores of this corrupted age, so apparent to the sight of this Kingdom, that the most Ospray and Owle-eyed spectator should not choose but confess, there never was a more necessary and commodious discovery revealed. Why sir, said I, there is a book called Green's Ghost haunts Coney-catches; another called Leger demain, and The Black Dog of Newgate, but the most wittiest, elegantest and eloquentest Piece (Master Dekkers, the true heir of Apollo composed) called The Bellman of London, have already set forth the vices of the time so vively, that it is unpossible the Anchor of any other man's brain can sound the sea of a more deep and dreadful mischief. These indeed, said he, have done (especially the last) most exquisitely, both for their own reputation, and their countries good, but I have that locked up in the closet of my breast, that when it is opened and made apparent to you will amaze you. Therefore I admire that the Fabric of the earth is not continually shaken with earthquakes, that the Earth itself (as she is a mother to bear all kind of fruit) doth not in gender all kind of murdering and killing creatures, as Harpies, Cockatrices, wolves and Hyenas to destroy those that are continually trampling on her teeming womb; that the air is not choked with fogs, and that black pitel●y mists doth not perpetually mask the face of Heaven, and leave the world in obscurity, putting us in mind of our sins, a thousand times blacker than that eclipse; and lastly, that the sea is not turned all to blood to put us in mind of the cruelty and unconscionable usage of one man toward another, for there are vices in this sin drowned age, that are able to pull the two edged sword of vengeance on our heads, and pluck fire from the forge of heaven, I admire that we have not leane-faced Famine, meager mortality, pale sickness, and grim-faced war tyrannising in this Land, as once it did in jerusalem, in the time of Titus and Vespasian▪ when the glorious Sanctum Sanctorum was set on fire; when the fields were filled with slaughtered carcases, and when the mother for want of food, was driven to kill her own child, to quench her own hunger. He would have proceeded farther in his discourse, but that I entreated him to contain himself while the morning, telling him I would rather fail of my liberty, then to meet him to hear this discovery, upon this resolve we both went to our former seats, and fell to our former familiarity, but on a sudden, the Keepers broke off our mirth, and commanded every man to his lodging, so not daring to displease their authority, we paid the shot, in a friendly and kind manner took our leaves one of each other, went up stairs, and every man to his several ward and lodging. But my brains like the wandering stars; or clocks on Shrove-tuesdayes were never at quiet, but all night I lay wondering and musing what discovery this should be, therefore I longed more to see the day, than an hungry Courtier will a table groaning underneath the weight of well-filled dishes: but the day-star no sooner began to cherish the world with his all-reviuing light, but I sprung from mine hard couch, made me ready, and when the doors were open (by much entreaty) got into the yard, where having not walked half a dozen turns, but I made my repair into the Cellar, more a thirst to have my minds palate quenched with his discourse, than my mouth with the best liquor in all the barrels, but having called for two Cans of beer, I sent for a quart of sack to whet the point of his wit, that it might wound vice the deeper, that being come, I sent for my friend who lay in the Hole, who was forth with let out (being an old prisoner) and being come down, thus I began to salute him.  
Ingenious friend, as well come to me as this fair day is to the world, this night hath seemed long, but the burning desire I had to confer with you, concerning the discovery (you out of your love promised to reveal) made it more tedious, & if you will but disclose the main body, let me alone to unmasque the face, and lay every member open to the world's eye. Sir (quoth he) you seem so complete in your quality, that I hope you will publish what I shall relate, if you should smother it, I rather would keep it to myself then impart it, but not doubting of your diligence in this matter, I will venture my discourse, and good sit give a diligent attention. I (as glad to hear as he to speak) took up a room in a private place, and loath to hold myself in delays, first of all, swept clean the channel of mine at tention with a cup of sack, drunk an health to him, and the liberty of all poor distressed prisoners that lay labouring underneath the burden of misery, which being pledged in this (or such a) manner, he began.  
As the main Ocean is nourished by the arms and rivers, that pay hourly tribute to him with the silver streams, and especially out of our Land, by swan-blest Thames, swift Severne, dangerous passing Humber, and smooth-faced Trent, so is this turbulent sea the Compter by these four eurrents hereafter mentioned: First, Unconscionable Citizens: Secondly, Politic Prodigals, alias Ingeneers: Thirdly. catchpoles: Fourthly and lastly, Constables and their adherents, as the Beadle and his Watchmen, all whose abuses I will strip naked, and jerk with my tongue, till I fetch blood; the first of whom have been the only cause of my detaining in prison this four years, yet let no man think that I speak against all Citizens. No, as I hope for eternal happiness, I reverence that Worshipful, ancient, and fame-worthy order, I mean such as maintain themselves and their families, I touch not those that care not who look and pry into their consciences, because their dealings have been so square and honest: but such as enrich themselves by fraud, deceit and sinister means, working upon the infirmity of youth, and greene-witted Gallants, to increase their own store, caring not how much they decrease other men's estates: such there are in the most flourishing and religious Commonwealths in the world; In the most famous universities in Christendom there are some dunces resident. that not only disgrace themselves, but also their fellow-students; It is impossible, but that in the most virtuous Court there will be some Parasites, so in the most goodly & glorious city under heavens Canopy there are some asps lurking, that sting the reputation of their brethren by their poisonous and corrupt dealings, such as these I will portray and limb forth to you, and first of all I will discourse unto you the extreme abuse of Gaine-greedy Citizens, and in order will touch the Politic Prodigals, alias Ingeneers, and (I think Soulless sergeant, and Constables and Beadles: but first of the first.   

CHAP. IU. Containing 1. The Subtlety of many unconscionable Citizens 
An unconscionable Citizen, the first current that pays hourly tribute to the Sea the Compter.  that entangle young Gentlemen and lap them into bonds. 2. The craft and cunning of their Confederates (Gentlemen-like Brokers) by whose wicked and unchristian like dealing, many elder brothers and brave Gentlemen are undone.  
I Have read that Italian Mountebanks, before they speak in their drug-tongue & Fustian language to the auditory of innocent and ignorant people, furnish out the play, where they sing their own Encomians, with viols, painted boxes, and bills of all the famous cures they pretend to have done in many foreign parts of Christendom, which base and usual jugglings are only to enrich themselves, and defraud the general rout that flock about them. Many Mountebancke-Citizens have we in this most sumptuous (but most subtle and sinful) City of London, that when they would ravish the mind, and take the intuitive sense of many profuse Prodigals, and melting Heirs with their sirenlike seducing lay open their wares, as satin, velvets, gold and silver lace, or any other braided commodities (or rather indeed discommodities) which though they show rich, yet are out of fashion or not saleable, these are springs to catch young Country Woodcocks, or our City Dotterels, that had rather be out of the world then out of the fashion, who will be brave for the present time, though their gallantry cost them all their future fortunes, who with more fervency▪ and protestation woo the Citizen for his trash and trumpery, than many decayed Knights will rich widows to inherit their possessions; but our tradesman perceiving their forwardness and follies, plays the rope-maker and will be extreme backward, and will not be brought to trust them with any of his Bartholomew faire-stuffe upon any condition; bonds he refuseth, recognisances he disdaineth, judgements he will not hear off, statutes he scorneth, & tells them in a Puritanical fashion, that he had rather trust a Gentleman on his word, than his bond or oath. For (saith he) they that will not have a care to keep their words, will not stick to have so large a conscience as to break their day, and slight the payment of their bonds, again, he tells them the danger he is in of losing of his debt: for (saith he) when the bonds come to be due, and payday at hand, may not they strait fly over into the Low-countreyes, or take Sanctuary in Milford lane, Duke Humphreyes' Ordinary, or get a Protection Royal from the King, and so defraud me of my debt, and many such collops as these have been cut from the body of mine estate since I have been a Tradesman. Therefore good Gentlemen (saith he) I cannot dare trust any longer, for my kindness hath bred mine own calamity, then set up your resolutions and trouble me no more, for I have given you your answer.  
Thus are my young novices struck to the heart at the first veny, and dares come no more for fear of as sharp a repulse.  
Alas, alas, this is but to grind the blunt apperite of my commodity taker into a sharper edge, and make them more greedy of their own ruins, imitating the cunning and deceit of pretty, but petulant and close Courtesans, that are nice when a sicke-brained young Gallant importunes them upon any kindness, only to make him more fierce upon his own confusion, holding him off, like a Fencer, at distance a moveth or two, because he shall come up the roundlier to her purpose: but to the matter.  
But some or one of my young Gallants that never gives over plodding with himself how he might get into the books of some Goldsmith, Haberdasher, Silkman, Woollen or Linen-draper, hath some Broker or other coming early in a morning and certifies him, that if it pleased him, he should have a commodity that lay ready to be carried away, if he would enter into bond for it, nominating the same man that gave him the former repulse. My young heir (whose heart knocks against his ribs for joy) kindly bids the Broker welcome, sends for a cup of wine, and drinks to him with all his heart, resolving to entertain his proffer upon any condition, protesting rather than he will let such a blessed opportunity slip, will set his hands to more parchment than a whole flock of sheep are able to furnish a Scrivener with; but my Broker (before instructed by the commodity-letter) tells him that though he heard him speak something doubtful of him, yet if he would be ruled by him, he would undertake to make his credit pass as firm as any Farmers or Yeomen in Kent, for (saith he) I am a great friend of this Tradesman's, and make no doubt but may prevail as much with him as any man in this Town, especially if you will be ruled by me, you must not be too importunate, but as scornful as he is disdainful, tell him that you are your father's heir, and that such lands he hath you must inherit, and that the entailement cannot be cut off, though he were never so heinous an enemy of yours, besides you must tell him you are about to marry some rich widow which you know you might win, so that you could but have a hundred pound or two, to put yourself in good clothes.  
These spells charms my poor Prodigal, so at last he and the Wolf (that came as Legate from the Tiger) go together, and find my Citizen busy in his shop, not taking any notice of their coming, but (as to other passengers) at first asks them what they lack, and what they would buy, but boldly they come into the shop and after acquaintance taken, the Broker unfoldes the matter, and the occasion of their coming to him, telling him that he came with a friend of his about a commodity, and if he were a friend, as he always took him to be, as to condescend to the Gentle man's request, and let him have an hundred pound: for (saith he) I know his friends are of fair possessions, he is his father's eldest son, beside on my conscience he would not trouble you at this present, if he were not to marry with a rich widow, whom he may lose for want of setting forth, and then no doubt when the match is made up, but he will have an honest care to pay in your money▪ with a million of thanks for your kindness. Now all the while the Broker is pleading, mine Innocent doth second him, and will rather than go without his trinkets, bind whatsoever the Broker saith with half a score oaths.  
The Citizen begin to hearken after this, and protests to my green gosling, that he would be glad to do any man a pleasure, but that he hath had so many losses already, and that he would be willing to let him have an hundred pounds worth of commodities, if so be he thought it would redound to his good, and that he might be sure at the six months end to have his money paid in, the young Gallant protests, the Broker warrants it, and at last, though very loah, the Citizen condescends, but how, thus, that if he could procure as good a man as himself to be bound with him, he should have what ware he could desire, for, saith he, man's life is frail and brittle, and you may die a fortnight or a week hence, for aught that I know, nay, to morrow, or soon at night, and then where is nine hundred pound, therefore, good Sir, look out some of your most especial and endeared friends, and get one of them to be bound with you, and you shall have the wares at a quarter of an hours warning. The tide now is turned, and signor Unthrift put to his nonplus, and at last falls to entreat Master Broker to be the man, who for two or three days together, will by no means or persuasions be won to enter into bond with him, except he must share half. Is not this extreme and almost incredible villainy? and most unconscionable dealings, thus to snare in the Gentry of the land, and ruin his fortunes but newly in the spring, knowing that he will rather let him have three quarters of the Commodity then go without it, because, as many others do, he would go gallant, have money in his purse, and keep company with satin and velvet outsides.  
But suppose the commodities are delivered, after they have both sealed the bonds (you must suppose the Heir always to be the principal) how must these Hobby horses, Reams of brown paper, jews-trumps and Babbles, Babies and Rattles be sold, the Gentleman is ashamed to proffer them to sale himself, no, he trusts the other that shares half with him, to put them off▪ who must be hired to sell them, and perhaps when they are all sold out right, will have to his own share three quarters of them, are not these dealings worthy of the the sharpest rod justice ever did hold in her righteous hands, they are and have been sound lashed, and severely punished, by that most noble, grave, wise and provident Statesman, the Right Honourable the Lord high Chancellor of England, yet for all this there will such false play be acted, though the Sword of justice continually were hanging over their heads: but I will return to our former subject, let us now suppose my young Gallant reveling in a Tavern or Ordinary: you may be sure the Broker is triumphing, that he plucked the feathers of this young gull, and means ere long to leave him as bare of means as he is of brains. Now my usurious Citizen dreams of nothing but his day, which he hopes my novice will break, which is no sooner expired, but instantly, by some stratagem or other, gets him within the liberty, then invites him to supper (by giving him fair words) either to his own or some of his neighbour's houses, and when they have almost made an end, instead of a mess of fruit, or a piece of Banbury cheese to close up their stomachs, a Brace (or more) of sergeant are not far from his shoulder, and except he presently pay▪ he must presently to prison. Are these worthy the names of Citizens? no, no, such may be Citizens of London, but never of Heavenly jerusalem. At this period I began to speak to him, saying: Sir, I protest you have revealed a strange and monstrous abuse to the Gentry of this land, if I did not take you to be (what I think you are) an honest man, I should stand in a great doubt, whether your discourse did taste of truth or no: but good Sir proceed. Sir, as I hope for salvation, said he, (an oath not for a Christian to dally with) I relate no untruth, but what is as nigh a kin to truth as I am to misery, for what I have spoken, I find by mine own woeful experience to be true, and what hath been practised on myself by these City-Cormorants, these tricks have been put on me, and for which I have suffered a long imprisonment, and yet they will have no compassion on me, but rather see me starve then relieve me, and either have my carcase or their coin, yet their consciences know, what I had from them was nothing but rotten, base & moth▪ eaten commodities, an hundred pounds worth, of which (according to their rate) I never made fifty of, yet they stick not to demand an hundred of me, beside the interest and all their charges.  
Again, mark the policy they have to keep a poor prisoner in fetters of adversity: if they suppose the prisoner goeth about to sue out an Audita querela, forthwith they either put their debt over to some Alderman, or else agree with some Officer in the Exchequer, and so put their debt over to the king, feigning they owe him so much money, knowing that the Cauncery will not, or cannot allow any thing, in such a case as this, to proceed against his Majesty. This is a speeding trick, and such a one I am now trounced with, and many besides myself.  
I have read when jews have bought a red haired boy, at first they will clothe him in silks and taffeties, ravish him with all delights that can be thought on, never have music from his ears or banquets from his taste, and thus use him until such time they know he is plump, fat and fit for their purpose; but when the poor Christian lest thinks of his imminent ruin, he is taken by a brace of slaves, and tied up by the heels, so by degrees beaten to death with cudgels, having Mummy made of his brains: Such as these are unconscionable Citizens, that at first will clothe our young Prodigals in silks and velvets, gold and silver lace, invite him home to dinner, use him very courteously, but when his bonds are due, & that he lest dreams of his misfortunes, a couple or two of sergeant are set upon him, and hurry him to the Compter, where perhaps he shall lie two▪ three, four or five year, nay a dozen or twenty years together before he can get himself released, or if he chance to prevail so much with his creditors, as to enfranchize him, it must be upon some unreasonable, unconscionable condition, as to give him five hundred pound for an hundred at the death of his father. Vulcan fell from Heaven into the I'll of Lemnos, and by that fall lost the use of one of his feet, let all such unconscionable Citizens take heed they fall not from the earth to Hell, and lose their souls.  
These are the Boars that plow up whole acres, nay whole fields of gentlemen's lands with their snouts, these are swine that eat up whole Orchards, and these are they whose fiery consciences drink up whole fishpools at a drought; their usurious dealings make so many Cornutos in the City as there are, for when young Gentlemen have been beggared by their extortion they have no other means then to fall in with their wives and seek to them for supply: It is this that makes Newmarket heath, and Royston-dounes about Christmas time so full of highway men that poor Country people cannot pass quietly to their Cottages, but some Gentleman will borrow all the money they have (only indeed they will make them take their bonds) this makes Tyburn and Wapping have so many hangers-on, and this is the cause so many such Citizens sons are plagued after their father's deaths as their fathers when they were living have plagued others, for most commonly some knave or debauched fellow lurch the fools their sons as cunningly after their father's disease as they did others only to make their sons Gentlemen, who at last may as miserably die in the Hole for want of sustenance as some of his father's debtors have done before him.  
Upon this I began to interrupt him saying, sir in this short time that I have been here I have seen some Creditors bring their Debtors both meat, drink, and money when they have been sick, and ill at ease.  
'tis true sir said he, I acknowledge it, but did you never hear that when a Lion hath got a pretty bleating lamb or kid in his paws he will play and tumble up and down with them a little while, but you must not think it is for any love he bears them, but only to chafe their blood and make them eat more sweet, and tender: Such are these kind of unkind Citizens that when they have got young Gentlemen into prison will (if the sum be any thing weighty) relieve him with meat, drink, and money, (if they see him begin to droop) but do you think this is in love to him? no, if you do you wander a thousand leagues from a true construction, he doth it to keep him alive that he may have his money if any means should fall to him, and that the world may take notice of his charity, alas, alas this is but a feigned holiness, which is a double iniquity: This kindness is but like Alchemy, or Saint Martin's rings that are fair to the eye, and have a rich outside, but if a man should break them a sunder, and look into them, they are nothing but brass, and copper. The Apples of Gomorrha have glorious rinds but infectious cores.  
It is an extreme misery for a Prisoner to be indebted to a rich man, or a very poor man; for the first (most commonly) will have all or none, for if his debtor chance to die, the loss he may well spare, but if it is his fortune to live, and pay him it adds to his estate, the other (that is) the poor man will have no pity because it may be the debt is all he is worth.  
Thus do many Gentlemen perish under the hands of cruel Creditors, nay a father that hath brought up his child with care and pain, grief and heart breaking, and thinks to leave him such fair possessions after his decease, that he may live in his Country like a Gentleman (as his ancestors have done before him) either in his life time doth see his son lie rotting in prison, or is not able to show his face out of his father's gates, or after his decease, his brothers, sisters, friends and kinsfolks see his lands extended on, his woods felled down before his face, those legacies and portions he should pay to his brothers and sisters, paid away to satisfy his debts (being base commodities) and so beggars a whole worshipful Family, who before that cursed time had lived a hundred years or more in grace and favour in his Country. Alas, alas, with that the tears fell from his eyes, and he could speak no more for weeping, yet I desired him to proceed, but he craved my pardon, and told me that he was at the farthest end of that discourse, and thus (quoth he) have I showed you the nature, property, and quality of this main arm that hourly pays tribute to the Ocean the Compter, now will I go to the second arm which is concerning Gentlemen-Cheaters.   

CHAP. V. 1. The true nature and quality of many of our modern 
Spent-Callants the second current.  spent-Gallants. 2. Their tricks to fetch in young Heirs to set their hands to bonds. 3. And a true narration of their vicious, and lewd course of life.  
HOw can those Tyrant's flourish in their kingdoms, when the foundation of their reign is built on the sepulchres of the right and lawful Heir they have murdered? And how can those men prosper whose raisings are reared upon other men's ruins? Many such there are in these most sinful days who being gulled themselves when they were ignorant-sots by knaves, turn knaves themselves, and study to cheat, defeat, and cozen young Heirs. Is not this a strange Metamorphosis? It is better to be a poor fool then a rich Knave. Many of these unlucky, and ominous Stars wag, and wander perpetually reigning in the Sphere of this City, that hunt after young Heirs as greedily as the Devil doth after usurers souls when they be upon their death beds, for these like Pirates or Bandites live only upon the spoil.  
These Soldiers having been beaten to the world (or indeed beaten by the world) begin to summon up their senses, and call their idle brains to a strict reckoning how to get that up again their riot and follies have spent, and thinking there is no way to recover themselves but by that they have ruined themselves, cast about-them and begin to fish after this order.  
They prepare their lines, provide their baits, make ready their hooks which shall have such constant and firm batbs, that after they have struck a gudgeon in the gills shall be sure to hold him though they suffer him to play a little in the stream: when they have all these things in readiness they seek into divers floods, as the Temple, Inns of Court, Citizens-houses, as wealthy Merchants, and gold smith's pry into Ordinaries, and inquire if there be any in that place worthy abaite, if these fail than they repair into Pauls-Church, to Playhouses, Cockpits, Brothels, and Taverns, and leave no place unsearched, but like the Air visit all parts rather than they will go without their prey, and if they have found any that is agreeable to their minds, or that they think may easily be wrought upon, in this fashion they use him.  
Like his shadow they will never be from his heels, but dog him into what place soever he goes, especially if he be a young country-Gentleman whom his father hath sent up to the City to see fashions, and rather than he shall go out of town as raw as he came in they will season him, and give him a little of the City powdering: They will first seek what means his father doth allow him, then of what nature he is, either merry or melancholy, mild or dogged, and according to the garb and fashion he is of, bear themselves toward him: He shall not go into a Tavern, Ordinary (or almost any friend's house) but they will be as nigh his body as his sins are his soul, and by some sinister way, cement, and glue themselves into his familiarity whatsoever it cost them. This being brought to perfection and themselves grown something familiar (as in much company keeping a man shall join himself to much society) they never will be from his elbow but seem to be his bosom friend, his masculine sweet heart, and that like Hypocrates Twins they must live and die together.  
The golden-leaved marigold never opens her leaves while the sun doth rise, and never closeth herself while he doth set; so these politic Prodigals, never will be stirring while my Heir is rising, and never sleep while they see him inclining that way: because they would be sure to have him in their sight. But having by much industry and sweat apted and fitted him to their humour and purpose, and wrought him to such a soft and waxen temperature (that they may cast him into what mould they list) bring him to their Rendezvous (an Ordinary) where this decayed Knight salutes him, that poor Esquire doth embrace him, the other beggarly Gentleman kindly entertains him, and all their servants vail bonnet to him, none use him discurteously but all most lovingly, they will have him to playhouses, invite him to a Tavern to supper, and as yet let him not pay a penny, what company soever he comes in: and if he chance to borrow forty or fifty shillings of them (nay three or four pound) they will not ask a penny, yet all this while he runs but on that unconscionable score, which they will make him discharge to the last farthing before they leave him.  
This young innocent (scarce having scented the City air) all this while thinks himself in a heaven upon earth, that he is in Elysium and sees more delights then the Turks Paradise affords, thinks himself much graced (as to be so much beholding to them) as to be entertained among Gallants, that were wrapped up in satin suits, cloaks lined with velvet, that scorned to wear any other then Beaver hats, and gold bands, rich swords and scarves, silk stockings and gold fringed garters, or russet boots and gilt spurs, and so complete cape ape that he almost dares take his corporal oath the worst of them is worth (at least) a thousand a year, when Heaven knows the best of them all for a month nay sometimes a year together have their pockets worse furnished than Chandelors' boxes that have nothing but twopences, pence, halfpences, and leaden tokens in them, yet he still is confidently persuaded the Country he was borne in yields not such a man as the worst he hath associated himself with.  
Alas, alas, I truly pity them, and would as truly relieve them if it lay within my poor power, but when youth is in the height and full vigour of their desires, neither wholesome council, or lamentable examples can give them sufficient warning of their future falls. But they hurt themselves not me. Why sir (said I) this discourse tends not to a young Gentleman's hurt, but (as I suppose) rather to his good.  
Sir said he, you as much err from the true conceiving of this business as my young Gentleman from a true course of life. This is but the Praeludium or Prologue to the play that is to come after, for my Country-novice being honnied with these sweet and Nectar delights (that these false brethren serve him with) thinks that all the kindness he can return them is not able to give them a true and due satisfaction, and if at any time these practitioners perceive my fresh-Gallant to droop or languish, with these (or the like) speeches (which are as wholesome as a Whore in the Dog-days) will strive to shake off his melancholy: Why how now my noble spirit, what is it that lies within the reach of our abilities that we can supply you with? Speak, you shall not want it; it may be you mourn because you are not so well accoutred as those you keep Company with, come our Tailor shall furnish you, we will have you strip of this Devonshire-kersie suit, and put on satin, you shall cast off this course cloath-cloake, and be furnished with one lined with velvet, your foureshiling dutch felt shall be converted to a three pound Beaver, your worsted stockings and neatsleather-shooes to russet boots and guilt spurs: then courage man, is it not better to live in the City among a brave society of Gallants, then in the Country with a heard of gulls? what man is so stupid and blockish as to drink the running streams when he may quaff Greek-wines? who will feed on course cates when he may hourly taste of delicates? who will wear poor serg D'bois when he may go in satins? and who will live in a smoky Country-cottage, when he may lead his life in a brave Ordinary in the City? You are your Father's Heir, therefore lay it on while you may, if it should be your fortune to be clapped up, do you think your friends will see their only son and Heir (the sole hopes of their house) perish in a prison? no, therefore play the Lion and rouse yourself up, and be not so Lamblike and still, but freely unfold your thoughts to us, and as we are Gentlemen and your sworn friends we will endeavour with our utmost strength and ability to redress you, or in any other fashion to pleasure you.  
This draft of poison (administered to him in a golden bowl) swells his heart up with such hopes that he is ready to burst, he refuseth not their proffered kindness but takes them as willingly as they treacherously meant them, and thinks that a rich suit will immortalise him. But yet these clothes are but like the shirt Deianira sent to Hercules which being poisoned with a centaurs blood wrought his death▪ so these rich trappings in short time after either cost four or five years imprisonment (if his friends are not the more affectionate to him) or pay four or five hundred pound or more to ransom him out, for after he is thus invested it may be he revels it up and down the City with his familiars, drinks, domineers, and declares in every company he comes in how much he is beholding to such Gentlemen, and having his brains thoroughly warmed with wine vows to do them any kindness that lies in his power, but mark the sequel. At last as a whole Congregation of these Caterpillars (that eat up some of the chiefest fruit that grow in the Garden of this Commonwealth) are carrousing healths to some Strumpet or other, there must enter (having his Cue given him) a Scrivener with a bond of five or six hundred pound ready made for one of these Gallants my prodigal doth most of all dote on, telling him if he can procure some Gentleman either of present means or future hopes to be bound with him he might instantly upon the sealing of the bonds have so much money he lately spoke for laid down to him; my Politician being in a counterfeit maze, at first begins to fret, fume, and swear, saying that his credit was never before this time so slighted as not upon his own bond to be trusted for so small a matter, than he begins to try his consorts about him desiring them to stand bound with him, they tell him plainly they will not enter into bonds for their brother, but if he had need of a hundred or six score pound they would make it up among them & lend him Pox▪ of it (saith he) I am to purchase such a Lordship of such a Knight and two or three hundred pound will not serve my turn, for I have some two thousand pound ready and if I had this full sum the Lordship were mine own; which if I should miss I might lose three or four hundred pound which easily I may get if I were furnished; besides if I could stay while next Term I should have a thousand pound paid to me upon a bond, and then I could easily cancel this. At this Simon Sandbox the Scrivener is about to depart, and signor Shift, chafes, frets, and is ready to tear his hair for grief that he cannot be furnished: At last he comes to Corkebraine my Country-novice desiring him to stand his friend; and stand bound with him for that sum of money, and that he should stand only for a Cipher, and that he rather would lose all his Lands (you may believe him) than prejudice him in the least thing the world might tax him with, Now my young Gallant (that never before this time was lapped up in Lambskinne, and would rather set his hand to his own undoing then displease him) takes it as a kindness that he would entreat him to do him such a courtesy, so without any reading over the bond (to see how the condition runs) seals and delivers it to signor Security the Scrivener, never dreaming that he is put principal, or of the afterclaps that will fall heavy on him about six months after, or that this bond he sealed to, was for some base commodities to furnish his supposed friend, or lastly, that it is some old debt, that now he hath shifted from himself and laid on the Novices back, but still holds him as dear to him as his life blood is to his heart, and still they will revel together when all this while my cozen never looks into the ensuing danger because he never considers of the day or what the penalty of forfeiting a bond is; so to be short, when the time is expired (that the money should be paid in) the Scrivener and the Cheat plot to arrest him knowing him the best able to pay, and on a sudden, when they have him within the City with the help of half a dozen Puttocks belonging to one of the Compters lay their claws on him, and seldom stay (except he be able to discharge the debt) while they have incarcerated him.  
Thus is this poor Gentleman's fortunes (by his own kindness and this villains policy) utterly overthrown, who never comes at him, sends to him, nay or so much as once thinks on him. Many of these most detestable and dishonest tricks have I known practised on young Gentlemen newly come to the Temple, Inns of Court, and other places that now my heart bleeds to think on. Sir, said I, I have heard much of those that lie in privileged places being in debt daring not show themselves, but I never heard they practised such abuses.  
Sir, said he, if what I speak taste of untruth may I never inherit eternal happiness, what good would it do● me to wrong them and do myself no good only to hold you in a discourse? yet these are not half the vices that are daily practised among them, for let a Gentleman come into their company you shall hear some cursing and damning for money they have lost either at cards or dice, others chafing and swearing they have lost twenty pound when their conscience knows they have won as much more, others stabbing one another about some trivial word passing between them, so that there will be such a confused Babylonian language of blasphemy among them that none (but their truchman the Devil) can interpret it, and when they have lost that in a quarter of an hour at cards, dice, tables, or bowls they have borrowed of some rawfreshman (that lately was admitted into their worse than Jesuitical College) what will they do? but start out some this way and the rest another, some betake themselves to their geldings, pistols, and a good sword, and not stick to bid a traveler good morrow, and for that courtesy lighten him of his purse because he might ride the easier, and then return home again.  
Others lie in their beds musing (having their Tutor the Devil not far from them) where they may find out some easy Gull of whom they must borrow some money for a day or two, but whatsoever they borrow for one hour is borrowed for one age, for though they bind it with a thousand Dam-mees (that they will repay it again within the space of a week) you may as well never bestow lippe-labour to demand your money for you shall be sure never to have it again.  
Others lie penning bawdy letters to Citizens-wives, enticing them to let them have money or wares, but if they will not be instructed by their devilish doctrine (as to deceive their husbands to supply their wants) what will they do? but raise causeless scandals and imputations against them and so contrary to the will of God go about to part man and wife. These are they that care for no body but themselves, nay not themselves, for if they did they would not so often hazard their lives in the field upon the refusal of some drunken health, or in speaking against some painted, prostituted Courtesan, and he that kills the most men is accounted the bravest man.  
These are they that like Owls dares not show their faces into the City in the day time, but as the Dogs of Egypt when they come to drink of the stream of Nilus' lap here and there and dare not stay long in one place for fear the Crocodiles (that lie lurking within the banks) should pull them into the current: so these, when they chance to skulk out of their dens to some Tavern to be merry, dare not stay long there, but strait shift to an other for fear some Sergeants that lay watching about the stalls should fasten on them and pull them into one of the Compters.  
These are they that go brave by running in debt and never care how to pay so they have it: I once read a pretty tale of a Popiniay that against the time he should appear before the Eagle (who had summoned all the birds to come before him) borrowed of every one of his acquaintance a feather, the Peacock lent him one of his plumes bravely shining with variety of colours, the Parrot lent him one of his green feathers, the goldfinch one of his yellow, so that as soon as he was dressed and had presented himself before the Royal and princely Bird, and dismissed, he flew up and down the woods so proudly that every inferior Bird) as the Titmouse, the Hedgsparrow, and Wren) began to adore him: At last these birds that he had been so much beholding to, came to challenge their feathers of him, and (though very loath) he was constrained to render them back again, that when he was bare and naked he looked ten times worse than those poor birds that lately did admire him. Such Popinjays are these that borrow of every Citizen to make them show glorious in the world's eye, but when the Goldsmiths, Merchants, Silkemen, and Haberdashers come to claim their own and get it, they will seem ten times more foul then lately they did fair and glorious. These are the instrumental causes that many fathers disinherit their right Meires (and put in their second sons) who at last are forced to marry some whore for want of means, or fly into the Lowcontries' and for half a crown a week serve in some Garrison town, for if they are caught (being by their means run into debt) they will be clapped into prison, and there lie and rot, where in process of time (when these cheating Gallants grow old and their tricks fail) may lie themselves and fatten a prison, and end their days in the Hole, in poverty, famine, and extreme wretchedness. Thus have I described to you the nature of the second arm that continually runs to the main Ocean the Compter, now will I hast to the third which is  
Villainous Sergeants.   

CHAP. VI Containing 1. The condition of Sergeants. 2. Their nature, 
The third current, Mace-mongers.  and property. 3. A Paradox in praise of them. 4. Their abuses, their tricks and sleights in arresting of men. 5. In what garb, and fashion they oftentimes apparel themselves, and lastly their unsufferable extorting from his majesties subjects, and their cruelty toward them.  
IN heaven there are many times engendered Meteors, Exhalations, and fiery Comets: In many Countries there are many Monsters, as in Russia rugged bears, in Germany tusked-Boares, in Clenoma tailestrong Lions, in Ireland cruel bloodsucking backbiting sixfooted Creepers: but the most ravening and cruel Monsters in our Land are the shoulder clapping pursebiting mace-bearers. A necessary evil and plagusorein the body of an infected City, and a disease that the most of the Gentry is sick of. For as in the most medicinable physic there is most infectious poison (which else would not be forcible or have any virtue) so in the most peaceful, and populous Commonwealth there must be such necessary instruments or else it would not long continue: these are they that strike with the axe of Law and justice deeper cuts than they have authority for, so that sometimes they murder a whole family at a blow, and have no more mercy when they strike then a Spanish-army when they are upon the execution or slaughter of their enemy. Yet thus much I will say for them when a Gentleman's fortunes begin to be sick and crazy, most commonly they will apply him with caudles and cordials which only have but this fault they taste some thing too much of the Mace, a spice more familiar in England then in the East-Indies: for the most base sort of people in the Land are never without it in their pockets. But now I think on it I will not be invective against them because no subject plays his part to the life so well as these do, than what kind of vocation is more necessary in a Commonwealth? I hold them very religious men, for they will continually watch and pray, watch a whole day together to catch young Gentlemen, and after they have clutched them pray upon them: They are very valiant men for they will strike the bravest spirit that walks in the street, I have known many Knights run away at the sight of them: they are men of great respect and reverence, for I have seen many Gentlemen give them the wall, and rather than they will justle with them let them have the whole street at their command: They are men of good consciences for they will do nothing without warrant unless it be now and then for their advantage: They are very loving creatures for I have seen them come running to a Gentleman and hang about his neck and not leave him to the death: They are very familiar and as sociable as any whore, for they will be drunk with any man (so it be not of their own cost) And last, very kind and affable for they will promise a young Gentleman more courtesy than a Courtier will a citizen: Why then should we not think well of Sergeants? Sir (said I) I am sure you speak this Paradox only to make yourself (and me) merry, for on my conscience what you now speak is rather in an ironical kind of fashion then serious or true, for if you will have my opinion of them, they are the excrement that proceeds from the body of a Commonwealth, whose wild doings have been so unsavoury to me that (for ever as all the world else beside do) I shall hate them worse than a Butcher doth Lent, or a Fishmonger Christmas or Easter weeks, therefore good Sir be not partial in your proceedings but lash them at the whipping post of justice and Equity, while you fetch as much blood from their ribs as they have tears from many poor men and women's eyes.  
Faith Sir (said he) indeed to tell you true I am like a kind mother, that having seen her child do some witty unhappy trick stands in doubt whether she shall laugh at him and let him escape, or frown at him and correct him: so I having seen the cleanly and smooth practices of these fellows know not whether I shall smile at them, and let them escape the scourge of my tongue, or grieve at them and correct their enormities, but howsoever I have so brave and constant a Champion on my side as Truth I will go on though all the Sergeants belonging both to Poultry and Woodstreet Compter were within eareshot of me, therefore thus I will charge upon them with a volley shall wound some of their consciences (if it is possible for them to have any.)  
In ancient Rome the Lictores, or Sergeants went always with their staves of Office in their hands, and in such apparel that the whole City knew them, and yet to this day in this form, and fashion they continue, or carry about them some mark of difference: So in many other Countries they are so markable that they are no sooner seen then known: But here in England (where they once went in pied coats and white rods in their hands as a badge of infamy) they will alter their fashion of habit oftener than a Whore doth her lodging, or a French Count his shirts in summertime: Proteus never changed shapes oftener than these fellows, for sometime they will go accoutred like a scholar, then like a Merchant, sometime like a Councillor, than a Butcher, Porter, or Countrie-gentleman with their boots and spurs as dirty as if they had rid five hundred mile through the deepest slowy way that ever was traveled; but this is (most commonly) when they go to arrest some Farmer or Yeoman of the Country that is either but newly come into his Inn, or going out of town, and a hundred more such stratagems have they in their heads when they are well greased in the hand; or when the arrest is something dangerous. Therefore first of all I will relate the manner they oftentimes arrest a man to make you a little merry, and then proceed to the manner of their usage of a man after they have arrested him. A Norwich man being exceedingly indebted to certain Londoners (who often laid wait to arrest him) came to the City so private that they knew not how to come at him, though sometime they had intelligence where he was; and when (as it was very seldom) the Citizens came to parley with him it was out of a window, but he could by no means be drawn nigh their forces for he was too subtle for them, and always left word with the servants in the house where he lay, that none should have access to him before such time he himself had seen them, especially if they were in satin doublets, cloaks faced with taffatie, and ruffs of a Merchants set; at last his Creditors being incensed against him (caring not what cost they were at so they might Encounter him) came to the Compter in Woodstreet and feed half a score Sergeants promising them if they could take him they should have a lacobus a piece beside, one of these scenting the business, strait forged a device which was in this manner, he was certified that this Norwich man had weeekly some letters come to him out of Norfolk, and that the Porter that brought them had free access to him, this Sergeant instantly provided a frock, a red-cappe, a rope about his shoulders (which would have become his neck better) and with letters in his hand directed to the same party, trudges to his lodging being just on that day the Porter was accustomed to come to him; knocking at the door and being demanded his business told them that he had letters out of Norfolk for such a Gentleman, upon this he was directed up stairs to the Chamber-door, who no sooner knocked but the Gentleman did start up from his bed to the Chamber-door peeping before through the keyhole, and seeing him to be a Porter let him in, as soon as he was entered he bid his worship good morrow, vales his bonnet, and delivers him a letter that should come from a Gentleman of his acquaintance, but as he was opening of it, what doth my Porter do but pulls his mace out of his pocket (the Gentleman not dreaming of such a breakfast) and laid on his shoulders, and arrested him, telling him that he was not what he seemed to be (a Porter) but what he was a Sergeant, and that there was no way with him but either to give satisfaction to his Creditors, or to prison, therefore make yourself ready, and along. So he seeing how he was betrayed and arrested went quietly with him to the Compter, and died in execution. As pretty a prank as this the same Sergeant played by an other Gentleman that stood upon his guard, who having his Creditors with him the day before seemed to grow to a composition with him upon the sealing of certain bonds, promising to release him while a farther day, telling him that the next day they would be with him, and bring a Councillor, and a Scrivener: a Councillor to give them direction for the managing of the business on both sides, and the Scrivener to make and write what they should determine. The Creditors having taken their leave strait plotted together over night how they might arrest the Gentleman in the morning, and having invented the project, forthwith went to the Compter and there did see these Sergeants and half a dozen more with them to dispatch this business: the Sergeants being well oiled in the hand with Aurum potabile were as hot upon the exploit as an Italian on a wench of fiveteene, and did long to put their device in practice, the Sergeant would needs take upon him to be the Councillor, and his Yeoman the Scrivener, who had attired themselves so acquaint that they who had never seen them before would have sworn they had been the same they counterfeited, for the Sergeant had a Barristers gown on his back (that ever after could not choose but infect the true Owner with knavery) a double ruff about his neck, and his beard cut as close as a stubble field; his Yeoman (that had as villainous a look as any Scrivener between Charing, cross and Paul's) had his inkhorn at his girdle, his pen in his care, and his parchment and wax in his hand, and away they go with a score more of their Comrades, whom they had appointed not to be far from them but to come and relieve them when they heard a pistol discharged (which lay in the Gentleman's window ready charged to guard himself with) the Citizens led the way, and my Councillor and Scrivener troth after until they came to the house, so the folks seeing there was no body but such as had been there the day before (except a Councillor and a Scrivener) conducted them up into the Gentleman's chamber (where were half a dozen of his men about him for fear of the worst (so the Gentleman and the creditors began to lay open the matter to the Councillor who desired the Gentleman to dismiss his servants for half an hour, for it was not fit they should hear any of their proceedings; they were so then the Counsellor begins to utter his opinion, wh●●e the Scrivener▪ began to sneak nigh the window, and when he saw his time, discharged the pistol▪ and then instantly arrested him, the other sergeant hearing the watch word given, strait ran up into the chamber with their swords drawn, and laid hold on him, telling him their intent and what they were, so the poor Gentleman seeing himself thus caught (rather than go to prison) paid the debt, so sent the sergeant and Citizens away.  
Other such dog-tricks as these have they played, as upon a Merchant, that (either upon policy or-poverty) broke, and having made all his goods ready to go into the Low-Countryes wanted nothing to dispatch, but to mend three or four dry-fats, which he meant to put his goods in, and gave order to his Maid, to provide two or three Cooper's to mend them, but she (being bribed by his Creditors) betrayed her master's purpose to them, so they provided half a dozen sergeant, to go like Cooper's the next morning, to mend this merchants dry-fats, and were let in to dispatch it, and had direction from the Merchant himself how to finish it: but as he was busy about them, instead of hooping the barrels, they hooped him in their arms, and arrested him, so that before they left him, they made him pay the executions they had to charge him withal, and was glad to give them a fee beside, that they should lay no more actions on him.  
An hundred such stratagems they have been fortunate in, and came off without dread or danger, but now I have related to you the manner of their arresting many men, now will I tell you how they use many (or most) men they have arrested. If they perceive the party whom they have ceased on to be a Country-Gentleman, they will be busy with him to know whether this were the first time he was arrested, if it be, they have the better subject to work on, and know (as they term it) how to milk them the better. First they will carry him to some Tavern (but it shall be nigh one of the Compters) where they will call for pottle after pottle, and such meat as the house affords, holding him in delays, while their guts are full, telling him they will do him what pleasure they can for him, and that they only keep him there, because they would have his adversaries come to him, and dispatch him with all expedition, swearing to him, that they were sorry to do their office upon him, and that if his creditor had not been with them, they had rather have given a crown to another to arrest him, then take a twenty-shilling piece to execute their office. Upon this, one of them will makes as though he goes to fetch his Adversary, when God knows, he goes up and down Cheapside, and other places of the City, inquiring among the Tradesmen, whether such a Gentleman be indebted to him or no if he be, than he will tell them, if he will give him a piece of money he will undertake to arrest him, for he by chance had intelligence where he supped, and when he hath his fees, what will he do but go to the Compter, enter an action, takes his warrant out of the office, and comes to the Tavern again, telling him, he hath been with his Adversary, and that he could not possible come to him this three or four hours yet, and that if he would give them any money, they would stay with him, if not, they must have him to the Compter, for they had or her businesses to dispatch, that they might get five pound by, if he offer them an Angel or a Mark for two or three hours waiting with them, account it nothing, and scorn to stay so long for so small a matter, knowing the poor Gentle man will rather disburse the value of twenty shillings, then go to prison, still expecting his adversaries coming, of whose approach there is no more hope, then of the Kings: little thinking of the villainy they are practising against him, yet still he expects his Adversary, but when it begins to be late they call for something to supper, and according to the lining of the poor man's purse will sauce him, if they see he hath good store of crowns, they will council him to go and lie in their house a day or two, telling him it is a thousand to one whether his Adversary will come or no, for though he promised he would not fail, yet he seemed very unwilling, besides (say they) if you fear any other actions, we can keep you so safe in our house, that none of them shall know where to find you; whereas if you were in prison, they would all come thundering upon you, so it may be you may be laid up for two or three winters: These speeches terrifies my poor Gentle man, and still rather than he would go to prison, would give all the money in his purse, at last, having discharged all the reckoning at the Tavern, away he goes with them, and lies in some of their houses a day or two, which is enough (for it will cost him at least twenty shillings day and night) and yet the poor man is farther from his liberty, then when he was first arrested, and when these purse-leeches have sucked him dry, than they bring him to prison.  
Why Sir (said I) when I was arrested I never saw any such abuses among them, it may be so, said he, than they perceived you had no money, or that you were too wise to be cheated, for I have seen divers Gentle men come into prison (after they have lain a fortnight or three weeks at some of their houses, at an excessive rate) without either cloak, sword or hat which the sergeant have got from them, only bearing them in hand that they will get them bail.  
Again, if he be a poor simple fellow, as some serving-man, or Country Trades-man, they will carry him to some blind Alehouse, and there practise on him, telling him, that if he go to prison, it will cost him at first entrance a mark or fourteen shillings, and that he must have irons put on his legs, as soon as he comes in, and put into a place where he shall neither see foot or hand, while he hath discharged the debt, and that he would give them so much money, they ought to have for arresting him, and something to drink beside, they would if it should be his fortune to go thither speak to the Keepers to use him kindly. This trick I have known them serve a poor Country fellow, and brought him to prison with never a penny in his purse: once they served a friend of mine so, but I think I made them render the money back again, and be glad they could be rid so quietly of him.  
If I should but repeat but half their abuses, I should fill a ream of paper, I have seen them come dragging in a poor man by the heels, that his head hath knocked against the stones for a quarter of a mile together, and so battered and martyred, that a man could scarce know whether he were a man or no. Sometimes when they know a man in fear of arresting, they will, without warrant from the Creditor, give him a cast of their office, only to get some money out of him, and so let him go again: sometime when they are feed to arrest a man, they will send the party word to keep out of their way, hoping to have a gratitude from him: sometime when they have arrested a man (if the creditors be not by) will not stick to take a brace or two of Angels and let him go, telling his adversary the next time he meets him, he cannot set eye of him, and whereas a sergeant fee from the Creditor is no more than one shilling for an arrest, they scorn to step from the gate under a Crown, a Noble or an Angel, and whereas there is a statute that none of them shall take above a groat of him that is arrested, they will not stick to milk him out of all his money, and turn him into prison without either hat, cloak or sword,  
They have other tricks as bad as these, as for example, when they have arrested any man, either upon an execution or action, & if any Gentleman or Tradesman, or of what fashion so ere he be, by chance do but justle them as they are bringing their prisoner to the Compter, for if they call them by their right names, Varlets, they (without warrant or any authority from some Superior power, as justice or Constable, but by the virtue of their own office) will carry him to prison, and either lay my Lord majors command on him, or clap some heavy action on him, that except he have good friends or a fat purse to compound with them, he may lie and rot there for all them. * ay know a poor man that did 
One Atkinson now dwelling at High gate.  but offer to rescue his friend, was clapped up by them, and could never get free from them while he was worth a tester, and if the judge, before whom he was bailed, had not been more pitiful than they were conscionable, he had been in prison all his life time.  
If any man they arrest, in his struggling to make an escape from them, chance to hit any of them, either on the legs, face or breast, so that they have no hurt at all, they will gripe, beat and pinch the poor man so miserably, that he shall not be able to lift his arm to his head, and then enter an action of battery against him, which will more vex and disturb him then all the rest: I myself have been eye-witness of the like, for in the beginning of August, 1616. they arrested a poor 
* john Rogers.  serving-man, who had an action entered against him by them, because he offered to make an escape from them, and when he had all his other actions withdrawn he could by no means get free from them, they were so unreasonable in compounding with him, that he took a strong conceit, and the nineteenth of the same month ended his life.  
Thus have I portrayed forth in my freshest colours the abuses and wrongs his majesties subjects daily sustain by these sergeant, for which they can have little or no remedy, and as well as I could, waded through the third arm that pays tribute to the Main Ocean the Compter. Now will I proceed to the fourth and last.   

CHAP. VII. Containing, 1. The nature of a Constable's office. 2. An objection concerning the abnses his majesties subjects suffer by Beadles and Watchmen that understand not the virtue of their office. 3. And lastly, an answer in their defence.  
REason (the Soul of Law) and Law (the life of a Commonwealth) should shine and be tralucent in those that bear the office of a Constable, for he being the King's Deputy for the night, is the King of the night, therefore being so, he should impartially with his staff which representeth justice, beat down disorder, and defend Equity, Peace and Innocence: but there are many Constables in these days, that through their ownenegligence (not wilfulness) do contrary to the nature of their office, for very often the Beadle and Watchmen in his absence, commit that which the Constable himself is much blamed for, who under the pretence of seeing good order kept, as I have heard, are the first that breed disorder: but for mine own part I never was eye-witness of any of their misdemeanours, but only as I have heard it reported, therefore I dare nor will go no further than truth doth guide me. For first, I should wrong that worthy office, in relating what I have no probability for, and secondly myself, in making myself a dishonest man in print. Why Sir, said I, I have often heard it reported, that the Beadles and Watchmen are in fee with the Keepers of both the Compters, and that for every man they commit they receine a groat, and therefore only for gain, will (upon any light or slight fault) carry any man that comes in their way to prison, or if any man fee them, they will (if he be never so drunk, unruly or disordered) convey him to his lodging; or otherwise, if he be unfurnished, convey him to one of the Compters. And to mine own knowledge I have known a Beadle committed to the Gatehouse for committing a Nobleman's servant (who went upon special business for the Lord his Master) therefore if he had not first wronged this Gentleman, and secondly the force, and nature of his Office, why should he being an Officer be committed for his misdemeanour? Again I have seen many men come into prison (since I came hither) that have been extremely hacked and maimed with their halberds: which in (my opinion) they cannot answer, for though they have authority to commit, they have none to kill or wound, therefore in my judgement these abuses are unsufferable, and only are upholden by their Head the Constable.  
Sir (said he) you must understand that a Constable is but an Island brook that pays but small tribute to the Ocean the Compter, he is but causa accidentalis, an accidental cause, and by chance fattens the gross and vast body of it, for after his watch is set he is bound by oath to perform his office both for the discharge of his own conscience, and the good of his Prince, and Country, in which duty every good subject is bound in duty to assist him. For a Constable is the preserver of peace, the attacher of vice, and the Intelligencer of injuries, and hath as strong and forcible power to commit Offenders in the night as any justice of peace hath in the day: nay if any Lord, Knight, or Gentleman of what degree, or fashion soever he be, coming in the nighttime through the watch in an unruly fashion is as subject to his command and authority as the poorest subject that walks the streets: and if he should not sometimes nay many times clap up such personages, they would be thought very slack in their office and not worthy of that authority, and power the King hath given them; for many men though they have brave outsides may commit or act as great, or more heinous mischief than those that are of a poor rank, for if the Constable should not stand Sentinel, how many men would beerobed in the space of one week, nay of one night, which by his industry and care he preserves. But here it is objected that the Beadle and Watchmen have for every man they commit a groat, whether it be true or false I never could confidently speak of, if they have, it is fit that for so many nights as they sit up for the good of the Commonwealth they should have something allowed, and who is the fittest to allow it but such as have offended and they have been troubled with the night before: Again you say they will commit such as have no money to give them, though it be upon a sleight occasion, and let such pass though their fault be never so heinous so they will grease them in the fist. This objection I will thus answer, if this abuse is offered it cannot enter into my mind that the Constable hath any hand in it, for there are many occasions that may call him away after his watch is set, and he that is his Deputy may commit the offence (knowing not what truly belongs to his office or place) and if sometimes they let a Drunkard escape without going to prison, it is a thousand to one but they that conduct him to his lodging will have the housekeeper, pass his word for his coming forth in the morning to answer what shall be laid to his charge before the justice: and I think a ●ester or a shilling is well bestowed upon them for such a courtesy: again if they chance to let any unruly Gallant pass, it is either upon his submission to the Constable or his Deputy, or else he must allege some firm and constant reason what the occasion is of his being so late out of his lodging. And though there are many men hurt in the watch, the fault lies most of all in themselves and not in the Watchmen, for when a company of Gallants come from some Tavern, or worse place high gone in wine, and will not render an account of their walking at such an untimely season, but draw their swords and fall to hacking them, therefore they are bound first of all by the King's laws to apprehend them, and secondly by the law of nature to defend themselves, and rather offend then to be offended. Thus have I answered your obiectious desiring to draw to an end, for this is a subject I have no firm or solid ground to work on, if Constables, Beadle's, and Watchmen, are conscious or guilty of these objections I have defended, I desire they may amend and correct them and give no occasion to have any pen busy itself in describing the abuses; thus have I set forth in order the four arms that pay tribute to the Ocean the Compter, now will I come to the Compter itself.   

CHAP. VIII. Containing 1. Aresemblance between the Sea, and the Compter. 2. With the true nature and conditions of such as live in it.  
NOw I have crossed the arms of this main Ocean the Compter I will sail in the Ocean itself; and well may the Compter hold similitude with the Sea, for as the Sea is oftentimes disturbed with storms, gusts, and tempests, so is the Compter with continual storms of grief; gusts of sorrow, and tempests of tribulation which are continually beating upon the head and heart of many a poor Prisoner. The Sea as Philosophers hold is ruled by the Moon and according to the nature of her fourequarters, she doth ebb and flow, rise or fall, so is the Compter maintained by the Law and the foure-Tearmes, and according to their nature and property, it is full and empty. The sea hath many fearful and hideous monsters in it, so hath the Compter an abundance of Sergeants. In the Sea the great ones eat up the little ones, so in the Compter the jailers and Officers feed upon the poor Prisoners. In the Sea there are many rocks and quicksands, so in the Compter is the book where many poor men pay their fees, and the Paper house where he hath his discharge: in the Sea there are many ships cast away by wracks and tempests, so in the Compter are many men by extortion and cruel Creditors: And lastly, as in a storm at sea a brave ship Royall-well man'd that hath store of skilful Mariners and a good Pilot may ride out the fury and rage of the tempest when a poor rotten weatherbeaten Pink destitute of Anchor, sails, munition, men and Skilful Pilots, is soon drowned: So in the Compter in the most horredst wrack of affliction, a rich man well friended, well moneyed (his chiefest Pilot) may make way through the fearfullest storm of adversity, and come again to the Port and Haven of Liberty, while the poor man destitute of friends and money is soon cast away in a small brunt and shock of adversity: but now to the matter.  
In Noah's Ark there were some of all sort of Creatures, so in the Compter some of all kind of people, for to say the right of it, it is a Commonwealth though very little wealth be common there. There lies your right-worshipful poor Knight, your worshipful beggarly Esquire, your distressed Gentleman, your Mechanic Tradesman, your prating Pettifogger, and juggling (liars I would say) Lawyers, all these like so many beasts in a Wilderness desire to pray one upon the other, for I think there are as many sins looking through the grates of a Prison as there are walking through the gates of a City: For though we are all Prisoners yet the causes of our restraint are divers, some are in for debt, some for other more heinous and criminal actions, some there are that are in upon constraint, and such are they that come in for debt and can no way shun what they suffer, or have no means to give satisfaction to their Creditors: Others there are that are voluntary and such are they that come in of purpose, who (if it please themselves) may keep themselves out, of which I find four kind of people that are good subjects to this Commonwealth the Compter, and they are these, the first your subtle Citizen, the second your riotous-Vnthrift, the third your politic High way-man, and the fourth and last your crafty mechanic.  
The first of these is the firmest leg the body of this Commonwealth doth stand upon, for after he hath been a Tradesman some five or six years or longer, having borne up his head as high as his neighbours, hath had good credit on the Exchange among the Merchants, and continually paying them at the day appointed, may if it please him (having kept his word so faithfully with them) have what goods he pleaseth at half a year or years day of payment: at last when he finds his best opportunity, what doth he, but gets fivehundred pounds worth of wares of one merchant, as much more of an other, and so runs over all those he hath had doings with, and when he hath got the quantity of four, or five thousand pounds worth of goods into his hands, a month or six weeks before the day of payment, my Citizen in private sells all these commodities by whole sale for ready money at the best rate, and having all this cash in his purse strait flies into the Country among his friends, and lies there perhaps a summer together for his own pleasure, and when he hears of any writs that are out for him returns again to the City, and lies close making none acquainted with his lodging but some man he knows will break before the next quarter, and employs this party to go to his Creditors to certify them of the misery he is in, and that by trusting young Gentlemen he hath undone himself, desiring them to be good to him, protesting that they shall have all that is left among them if they will be content to let him walk the streets quietly to use some means to raise his fortunes once again: his Creditors perhaps gives his friends good words telling him they will not be rough with him hoping with this bait to catch my citizen abroad and so clap him up, which my Bankrupt little cares for, knowing that after he hath lain in prison a year or two they will be glad to take a quarter of their debts and let him out, what cares he for Actions, Executions, judgements, Statutes, or any other Writs, he hath enough to keep himself in prison and will make them come to composition with him as he list himself, or they get none at all, so his Creditors at last seeing his resolution so fixed and settled will (though very loath) take one quarter of their debts rather than lose all, and it may be not half of that in money, but young gentlemen's bonds, and desperate debts that God knows whether they shall ever recover one penny: thus do many Banrupts lie in divers prisons about this Town enriching themselves, and by their policy are good for nothing but to defraud his majesties subjects, and fatten a loathsome prison, and this is the first of these voluntary Soldiers.  
The second of these are such that will compound with a brace of Sergeants to arrest them, and such are many young Gentlemen that want money to supply some vicious use or other (knowing they have kind friends) will voluntarily have an action entered against them and be arrested, so perhaps will lie there a day or two while their friends hear of it, who if it be but a matter of four or five pound will not stick to discharge it, which being no sooner done but strait they go to the party to whom the money was paid▪ and there give the Sergeant an Angel, and share the rest among themselves, many tricks of this kind have I seen put in practice since I came hither; but one thing I will not forget which was this: One of these fellow▪ that had used this trick three or four several times, and been fetched out by his friends for severali sums of money, did once more put it in practice, which his friends (at last) perceiving, let him lie there some two or three years together, and the most part of his imprisonment was in the Hole, and if at last he had not got off clear by his own industry he might have been a Prisoner there while this time for all them. How say you sir was not this a pretty trick? yes faith sir (said I) I would all such voluntary prisoners might be served so, but (good sir) to the third of these voluntaries.  
The thirst sort of these are such that having been in prison, and lying in the Hole have been released by Legacies, but being freed and feeling thesweetnesse of it, will purposely once a year (as about Christmas or Easter, when they know Legacies come in) get some friend of theirs to arrest them for a matter of thirty or forty shillings and then make suit to the Merchants (that yearly come and release prisoners if their debts be not above that value) which if they get, they have so much money clear to be merry with. These base tricks are usual though they be not looked into, or corrected, for it is an extreme wrong first to the party that gives it in cheating of him, and secondly in defrauding other poor Prisoners that lie in for due debts.  
The fourth and last sort of these are young Gallants that now and then will make a step to Newmarket-heath or some such place, and after they have that they long looked for, come posting to London, and if the hews and ●●ies come too hotly after them, instantly gets themselves arrested into one of the Compters, and lie there while the matter cools, for who will look into such a place for any such Offenders? Thus have I laid down in my best method the nature of these voluntary Prisoners that fatten this Commonwealth the Compter Sir (said I) these reports strike me into a masement: I protest I thought there could not have been such villainy extant in a Realm much less in a prison: But I hope sir you are come to treat of the Keepers, I am sir, said he, and thus began.   

CHAP. IX. Containing 1. A Character of a jailor. 2. Their true nature and disposition. 3. Their cruelty, and extortion, And 4. and lastly such abuses that have been discovered, lively displayed.  
DAre you write? Why not? my door is shut. They that pinch me see not how I pinch them. But, but when your discourse comes out the Keeper will hold you in the faster. Tush my book must help me out. I hope to see Paul's▪ Churchyard as soon as it. If I do not, the worst censure that can pass, will be a Railer against a jailer. Bold Muse hold on thy pace. If the world is a Body, than I cannot be persuaded but laylors and Keepers of Prisons are the nails of it, for they scratch exceedingly, and like sick men possessed with lunacy snatch at any thing: These kind of fellows are as nigh a kin to Sergeants as Brokers are to Usurers, both of them are inseparable purseleaches, and are men that having run through their trades as they have their estates, at last are forced to take upon them this most base, and odious kind of life, which they no sooner have obtained but are as proud of it, as a lousy prisoner of a fresh suit, or a beggarly Rhymer of tweluepenny dole when he oweth ninepences for ale. They are men that have no quality in them but one, and that is to ask money, and like Lawyers without their fees will do nothing. They imitate Ravens, Kites and Crows that feed upon the corruption, stinking garbige and guts of any carrion lying in the fields, and leave that part that is most wholesome untouched, so these feed upon the follies and vices of the age, & have nothing to do with any thing that is good. If a Gentleman come into their Confines that hath his purse well lined with crowns they will have no more mercy over him then a Dog killer hath over a diseased Cur in the plague time. Which makes me call to mind that Motto I have often seen and read Homo homini Lupus man is to man a Wolf. If a man should travel into the Wilderness or some vast desert, and be devoured by some Rear, or Boar, or such like savage Creature, it were but their kind to do so being pricked and stung with hunger; But for one man like a Cannibal to feed upon the other, what more monstrous and worse than cruelty is this which every day is seen in this place. Yet in their cruelty they will use deliberation and feed upon a man while he hath money, and make as dainty of him as a Spaniard will of a piece of beife or mutton, and make many sweet meals of him: Or like some cruel Surgeons that have a rich man in cure of some dangerous disease, will not at first send him to purge in another air, but let him by lingering, and as they call them with their compounding plasters make him smart while they have got more money from him, and while they have drawn his life to the last thread, and think here is no more to be got out of him, strait post him to his grave; so jailers when a man's money is spent turn him into the Hole.  
Sir (said I) I have seen some of their doings since I came hither, and have admired they should be so hardened that their hearts cannot be mollified with the oil of compassion, no nor cut with the Diamond of compunction, or that they have no sense or feeling of their own inhumanity and hard-heartedness, nor once think that God may one day make them in as wretched a plight as those they thus tyrannize over. Sir (said he) you shall seldom see a Butchers-dogge that continually lies in the shambles without a bloody mouth, and those Officers that live in this place having once their finger dipped in the blood-boule of cruelty, seldom or never can be reduced to a milder kind of usage: Custom is a second nature with them, and because they daily do it they think it is as natural with them as their meat and drink.  
But I will leave their strict dealing with old Prisoners while an other time, and come to their usage and behaviour to newcome Prisoners at their first entrance.  
At the first entrance of any man into this Dedalean Labyrinth, after they have viewed him and know his name, then according to the fashion of his clothes (but most especially the weight of his purse) they bear themselves towards him, Flies never come to painted gallipots for their gay outsides, but their sweet insides as suckets, sugars, and other preserves, so these rather respect the purse, than the person; for they had rather know he hath a silver inside then see him to have a golden outside. If they know he hath good friends that will not see him want, or that he hath means of his own correspondent to their expectation, they will fawn and flatter him in every respect more than a funeral sermon will a dead man; he shall want nothing while he wants not money, every Officer will have a cap and a knee for him, every time they see him he shall command all the house be Dominus fac totum, what abuse soever he offers shall be smothered suffering him to do any wrong, yet take none, when a poor man for the least offence shall be clapped into irons, and cast into the Hole, and there shall remain while such time he submits himself in all humilitieto Master Keeper.  
If they see a young Novice come in, who liberally and freely will pay all the large fees of the house without much ask, and sometimes grease their perpetual dry palms with a tester or a shilling, he shall not only command their hats, but also their hearts, a covert parasite will not be more submiss to his best Patron than these Compter Spaniels will be before such profuse prodigals. But if a Gentleman of a rectified and solid understanding chance to be arrested, and being demanded the fees and garnish stand upon interrogatories with them, ask them what warrant they can show for the taking of such money (being loath to cast away his money) they will instantly answer it is a custom. A custom! Oh heavens is custom become Law, and must it because it is usual with them be lawful for them to grind the faces of his majesties subjects, who will not for the most part stand and capitulate with them but rather condescend to them so they may get good usage of them, and when they are discharged never think of their abuse, but are glad they have got from them, and will rather leave their cruelty to be punished by God's hand then the Laws.  
I desire to know the reason, why, when a Gentleman comes to the Masterside he must before he is suffered to come into the dining room pay twelve pence for turning the key, which not long since was but a groat, by what authority or warrant are they now to take two groats more than there due: nay indeed, why should they have any at all, because I never read in any place in the statutes of England that such fees are due, therefore having no warrant from thence, I admire they dare venture to take that which may turn to their undoing, if any Informer should prosecute this extortion against them.  
Again, suppose a man pays the shilling is demanded of him by the porter, why should he pay for his bed the first night two shillings (which extortion is divided between the chief Keeper and the Chamberlain his servant) they can yield none other reason but this, that it is a custom: and if they be hardly put to it, they will say that is the pleasure of the Sheriffs, on my conscience they do be lie their Worshipful Master, for though they are Masters of the House where prisoners are, yet they are not Masters of their purses: beside no man can be so ignorant and simple, to believe that they will devise laws of themselves, for which they have no warrant out of the statutes: besides the statutes of the Compter were wont five years since to hang in the yard, that every man might see what was 
Prisoners used worse than slaves, whose price appeareth written on their backs.  due to the house and every officer, but now they are cut down and buried in oblivion, that they may demand what they list, which they cannot justify, for if they could, they would when they are put to it, stand to the virtue of their authority and office, which not long since I saw tried, which ever since made me confidently believe, that no such large fees (they usually take) are due to them.  
For a Gentleman (they afterward clapped into the Hole, because he plainly and boldly told them of their abuses) being arrested came into the Master side, & being demanded his fees and garnish, which he very well had been acquainted with, because he often, by his own confession, had been a prisoner, told them there was none due and none he would pay, for, said he, howsoever you may fetch over young gulls for their money, I will not be so soon caught, what I call for, I will make a shift to see discharged, otherwise I determine to pay nothing, and so resolve yourselves.  
The Chamberlain (the chiefest officer on that side) be 'gan to take the repulfe very heinously, and thought he would one way or other be even with him, making no account that he should lose his fees by him, early the next morning before the Gentleman was up, came into his chamber, where he found him sleeping, and his cloak (the mark he shot at) lying on the table by him, so took it up and went down stairs again, but when the Gentleman was awake, and began to make himself ready, he found his cloak missing, so that he began to inquire of his chamber-fellows if they saw it not, but they denied it, at last he had intelligence that the Chamberlain had got it for his fees, upon this he first went and demanded his cloak of him, who refused to deliver it, unless he would pay him his garnish, for, quoth he, you have met with no fools, no faith, said the Gentle man, I rather think I am come among a crew of cunning knaves, and unless you redeliver me my cloak again, I will make some of you appear so before yours and my betters. And so forthwith sent his letter by a friend of his to the next justice, demanding his warrant for the apprehending of such a fellow, naming of him, that the same night had robbed him, so laid flat felony to his charge: The justice hearing the matter could do none other, seeing he purposed to swear against him, and being for the King granted him his warrant for the attaching of the same Chamberlain and to bring him before him to be examined, he seeing how he was served with this warrant, would have given the Gentleman his cloak again, which he refused but at last by much perswaston he was entreated to take it again, if so be he might hear no more of the matter, and with all his heart for gave him all such fees he before demanded of him and was glad he escaped so well. And that the world may know this is no fiction of mine own invention that I have related, I will tell the name of him that did this, who was one Mr Venard (that went by the name of England's joy) that afterward died here in misery, plagued by the Keepers, being more guilty of his death then his cruel adversaries, for after he began to tell them of that they were loath to hear of, they thrust him into the Hole, being in winter, where lying without a bed, he caught such an extreme cold in his legs, that it was not long before he departed this life.  
Now I would know of them, if their fees had been due, why did they not stand to the maintaining of their due, or if the Sheriffs did appoint such fees to be taken▪ why did they not appeal to him, and desire his aid in the matter, and since that time why did they not procure of him that the Articles might be hung up by the gate, that all prisoners as soon as they are brought in upon an arrest or command, may read them and not stand in contention, but pay what the Right Worshipful Sheriffs and Court of Aldermen think fit to be paid.  
That the extortion of these jailers are extreme, 
23. of his reign.  look into the statutes of Henry the sixth, where it was appointed by act of Parliament, that a jailor should take of any prisoner committed to ward but a groat, in this injunction there is not set down any due belonging to the doorkeeper, there is no shilling mentioned for him, no two shillings for the Chamberlain, no sixpence for the Porter, or large fees for the Book keeper, but here is only mention made of a groat for the jailor and no more: this is the injunction after which follows the penalty, which is this, (mentioned in the same Statute) And if any jailor shall any ways do contrary to this aforesaid ordinance he shall lose to the party thus endamaged or grieved his treble damages, and forfeit forty pound at every time that any of them do contrary in any point of the same, whereof the Queen shall have one half to be employed only to the use of her house, and the party that will sue the other half, only the Warden of the Fleet and of the Queenes-Pallace at Westminster for the time being shall not be prejudiced by this Ordinance in the duty of his office. Thus you have heard the injunction and penalty of this Statute which was made in King Henry's the sixts time, which were in force in Queen Elizabeth's time, & which now is of virtue and efficacy in our Sovereign james his time, for these Statutes never since they were first made in the Honourable house of Parliament were repealed: Therefore I admire they knowing the Statutes will in danger themselves so much every day as to infringe this ordinance, by the breaking of which they reap an infinite gain yearly, for of so many thousands that come into their jurisdictions they let none scape but have five times more than this Statute allows them, nay sometimes ten times, nay twenty times more than they can answer; for I have seen some men pay ten groats for his fees at book, some ten shillings, some a mark, some twenty shillings, nay I have noted it they have not been ashamed to ask forty shillings for his fees, besides garnish, and other charges which will amount to the matter of a noble or seven shillings if he lie here but one night, let him go the nighest way to work he can. Therefore I have many times wished a Promoter at some of their backs to see their unconscionable dealing, that he might serve them out of the Exchequer with a sub paena for their horrible extortion, and make some of the worst of them (if there can be one worse than another) examples for the rest, for no jailor will stand to trial if he be wise, but will rather confess it, and plead guilty, which if he do he confesseth his extortion; but if he be so valiant as to stand to a justification, he hath no warrant to exceed his limitation. Therefore whether he pleads guilty, or stands to his justification he cannot choose but show himself an extorter, as on Carman that 
Carman and Bud, secundo of the King in Michael▪ mass Term▪ And How and Bud, quarto of the king in Trinity Term.  lay in the Compter of the Poultry two or three year had like to proved one of his Keepers if he had stood to the trial, but he was glad to compound with him and give him a piece of money to let his suit fall, which if many other Prisoners would take example by this fellow, and call their good doings in question, it would be a great ease to many poor men's purses. For what extreme extortion is it when a Gentleman is brought in by the watch for some misdemeanour committed, and stays but while the next morning, that must pay at least an Angel before he be discharged, he must pay twelvepences for turning the key at the masterside door, two shillings to the Chamberlain, twelvepences for his garnish for wine, ten pence for his dinner, whether he stay or no, and when he comes to be discharged at the Book it will cost at least three shillings and sixpence more, besides sixpence for the Booke-keepers pains, and sixpence for the Porter. But this abuse was once complained on by one that had been wronged in this nature, and my Lord Mayor sent word and commanded that no man coming in by the watch should be received into the masterside, yet within six or seven weeks after they could not forget their old wont but fell to it again, imitating the Fox that was commanded by the Lion for killing many geese and hens to go a pilgrimage for his sins, yet he could not choose but cast his eyes on every flock of geese he saw grazing on every green he traveled through, and at last for all the Lions command cast off his Pilgrimmes weed before he had gone half his journey, and fell to his old trade again. But they have other tricks as bad as these, which are as followeth: when a Gentleman that hath been long resident in the masterside, and hath paid all their demand there, and chanceth to be turned over to the Knights-ward for want of means he, must be forced to pay all the fees over again, or else they will either pull his cloak from his back, or his hat from his head, and the Steward of that ward will stand as peremptorily upon it as if it were confirmed to him by Act of Parliament, or had it under all the Privy councils hands: And if a Gentleman stay there but one night he must pay for his garnish sixteen pence besides a groat for his lodging, and so much for his sheets, and still he that receives it, says, it is a custom, & that it is toward the buying of such things he wants. why if it be so I think every Prisoner is of understanding sufficient to buy these things himself, and not to trust his money▪ in other men's hands, and stand to their kindness for such things he shall want; but these are only tricks to get money, for I have seen them put to their nonplus, and dared by Gentlemen that understood their dealings to pull their cloaks from their backs, telling them that there was no such exactions due, at which hot repulse they have been as calm as midnight; but if they meet with some raw young fellow that will swallow and digest such wrongs they will triumph over him, and not let him pass while they have made him open his purse and give them their demand.  
When a Gentleman is upon his discharge, and hath given satisfaction for his executions they must have fees for irons, three-halfe-pences in the pound, besides the other fees, so that if a man were in a thousand or fifteen hundred pound execution, they will if a man is so mad have so many three-halfe-pences, but I think the Keeper of one of the Compters that took such unlawful fees was forced to pay back again what he had received with a thousand thanks as soon as he perceived he had a subpaena was served upon him out of the Exchequer: Thus if some men would but take this order with them, and jerk them with such rods they would learn a better and honester lesson.  
To mine own knowledge I saw a Promoter that 
jupus lupum n●uit, & surem sur.  was arrested used more kindly and respectively then a Gentleman of five hundred pound a year, he had what in reason he called for in the Cellar, and might have broth and meat out of the Kitchen at any time whensoever he would call for it: but will any man think that this was in love to him, no it was in fear for not many years since he had informed against them for extortion, therefore this considered unless they knew themselves guilty of such faults they did suspect he would sent out, why should they stand so much in fear of him, and if they had took nothing but their due, they might have let him gone like an informing Knave as he was, and scorn his worst of malice, for Truth is a brazen tower and will retort the shot of malice into their own faces that shoot them, Virtue is like a bed of Camomile the more it is trodden on the more it flourisheth, the more she is depressed the more she expresseth herself. What a strange thing is it when a man is arrested & puts▪ himself to the knightsward must pay a groat a night for his lodging, and a groat for every pair of sheets heelies in, what conscience have they to exact so much when the best bed in that side is not worth a Serving-man's yearly wages; but I have heard their due is but twopences a night if a man lie alone, and a penny a night if he have a bedfellow, and that in the twopenny-ward where they receive fourteen pence a week their due is but sevenpences, then what excessive gains is this in a year, when I have heard it credibly reported that within the circuit of one year there is committed and discharged both upon command & arrest at the least five thousand Prisoners, what might this amount to besides their fees at the book and their garnishes, but no more of this, for if 
I hope my book shall meet with a Printer that never married jaylours' daughter.  any keeper should easdrop us, and be witness of what I relate, I perpetually should be locked up into the Hole, or never have a good look of the well-favouredst of them all. Therefore my pen shall sleep in silence, & reveal no more of their abuses that lie hid from most men.  
Sir, said I, I perceive you are either loath to proceed in your discourse, or else you grow weary with discoursing, therefore I will give you some expausion & breathing time, & unfold unto you what I heard of others since I came in, concerning them, and if in any point I err in the relation, I desire you to be my guide and put me into the right way, for I am loath to wrong them, though they wrong most men they have power over, but would have the body of my discourse stand upon the feet of truth.  
I have heard it reported, when any Legacies come into the house, towards the release of the poor people of the Hole, the Keepers sometimes takes them into their hands, promising those that deliver them, that they shall be laid forth toward the discharge of the poor, but contrary to the will of the Benefactor deceased, relieve not only the poor in the loathsome dungeon of the Hole, to whom it was solely given, but help those out with them that lie in the twopenny ward, because they owe them money for their lodging, and so not for any good will to them, help them to a Legacy, that they might be paid themselves out of it, or else they might lie there like the rest of their fellows. Thus they first wrong the charitable Benefactors, that on their deathbeds bequeath their bounty to the poor, and lastly, the poor themselves, in depriving them of that which is due to them, in making them stay, it may be two months or a quarter of a year before they can be released, expecting other Legacies, when as half a score or more of them may die before they come in. Again, I have heard some murmur at their plots, in keeping men in by policy that have store of money, letting them not go before such time their money is almost spent, and when their Creditors come to hear of them, will not stick to tell them that they have money enough in their pockets, & that it was fit they should have their due before they withdrew their actions: yet when they see his coin begin to waste, will not stand out to persuade their adversaries to take pity of them, and come to some reasonable composition: for what should they do with them when they have no more cash: dealing with them as some dainty Lady will with a Woodcock, cares not what becomes of the body, when she hath eaten up his brains, or as Huntsmen do with foxes, fling the carcase into some ditch or on some dunghill, after they have stripped his skin over his ears. Besides these tricks I have heard that when a young Gentleman is arrested, and hath competent allowance from his friends, as weekly his diet and his lodging discharged, they continually will certify his friends or his father of the least misdemeanour he shall commit, nay, rather than fail to relate all, will add more to it, to make it more heinous, so that he might be incensed against his child, and still keep him in prison, which policy is only for this cause, that they might still have so good a guest as he is, knowing his friends will see such things he calls for truly discharged▪  
These things (say they) are common with them, and when a Tradesman is arrested upon several actions they will give (being feed well) intelligence to their Adversaries whether they mean to put in bail or no to them, or what they determine to get their release by, caring not what becomes of the poor man, wife and children, so they themselves gain but twelvepences. Some, say they, will not stick to take fees of dead men, and scarce let the coffin go out of their gates, before his friends hath paid his fees, therefore if these reports be true, it is first most abominable for them to act, and most lamentable to hear. Therefore, good Sir, let me have your advise and opinion in this matter, and truly without any fallacy or equivocation, whether these things I lately was certified, of are true or no, after a little pausing he began to resolve me in this manner.  
Indeed Sir, some of these devices I have found practised upon myself, but for some others, that you have made mention of I will not boldly warrant to be true, but you have heard no more reported than I have heard spoken: but this I can justify to be true, as a true token and sign of their wolvish disposition and ingluvious appetites, there cannot a dish of meat come into the gates, but they must and will have a share of it, nay, and think that the poor prisoners are much beholding to them, that they are so much graced, or have so much favour as to have them partake with them: but if any man hating their society will neither give them entertainment, or invite them to any piece of meat he shall be sure to be locked up all that week that Keeper waits, and do him some villainous mischief whensoever he conveniently can contrive it. Or on the contrary, if any young novice that hath no execution against him, be pliant to their humour, they will use him with as great a respect as any Nobleman's heir, if they see him profuse and riotous, they will not leave urging him to go abroad with them to take some composition with his creditors, when Heaven knows, it is not for any good they purpose to him, but themselves. For they use him as Anglers do the fish, give him a bait, but it is for his bane, so these are kind, but it is for some benefit they expect from him, for they will never go abroad with any of these under two shillings or half a crown, if they stay but an hour with them, beside in what company soever they come in, and stay at dinner & supper, either at an Ordinary or Tavern, or any friend's house, they pay not a penny, thus do they persuade many abroad with them (that else would stay at home, I mean in Prison) first that they might furnish their purses with money, and their bellies with good cheer, and bring them home at night, as bare of money as a sheep is of wool that all day long hath been feeding among bushes and briars.  
But suppose this man from whom they have received so much kindness, as good diet, money and other favours, fall into want and distress, do you think they will relieve him, no they will let him lie and break his heart with his own sighs, wash his couch with his own tears, grind his teeth into powder, and make himself bread of it to eat, before they will relieve or help him, or if by chance they do relieve any poor man (as it is very seldom) they will in a Pharesaicall ostentation report it to any friend that comes to visit him.  
I have seen an Emblem, where the picture of Charity held in one hand loaves of bread, distributing it to the poor standing round about her, and in the other, a Trumpet to report to the world her benevolence. Such are these jailors, that upon the least taste of friendship or kindness showed to a man, will be sure to have all the people in the house know of it, yet these courtesies come as seldom from them, as virgins out of Pickt-hatch, or sound horses out of Smithfield.  
But for one good quality they have ten bad, and what injury or wrong soever they do a man he must not complain, a rugged behaviour towards them prevails not. If a man rush through a quickset hedge in hast he cannot choose but have his face scratched▪ whereas if he temperately did divide the bushes with his hands he might go through without any hurt: when a poor man comes nigh a churlish mastiff he must not spurn at him if he mean to go quietly by him, but flatter and stroke him on the back, and spit in his mouth: So must Prisoners if they mean not to be pricked with a jailers thorny disposition must use him gently, or if he will not be bitten with his currish and dogged usage let him give fair words and sometimes if he be able fling a sop or two into his gaping and all-devouring jaws.  
They do as all the world else, more for money then merit, for I have seen a fellow come in with scarce a rag on his back being some Cheat or Decoy that hath been preferred to the Masterside, because the Keepers knew they of his trade would fetch him out speedily, and pay all the fees: when on the contrary, I have known a Gentleman of good reputation whose behaviour and outward habiliments showed his desert, clapped up into a dark room without any light among half a score men, and if there were no spare bed for him to lie on, let him take up his lodging on the bourds which he must pay for before he and they part. Other men's miseries makes them merry, and the more Prisoners they have committed the more is their gain, for I have often heard them (when my Lord majors officers have brought in Bakers for making their bread an ounce or two too heavy) whisper in their ears telling them they have had but a few Prisoners that week which is an instigation to them, to bring as many as they can possible; besides the Booke-keepers, do not much stand upon it to give sometime a pint or a quart of wine to a Beadle that he might not forget him the next night following, but wake the watchmen if they should chance to nod, ●o by that means might lose a night walker.  
Their cruelty is as great as their policy for I have heard since I have been Prisoner a poor sick man, that not half an hour before he died called about midnight for water to quench his thirst, yet none of thesehard-hearted Keepers would rise to relieve him, but were deaf to his lamentable and sad complaints: so that the poor soul before day took his leave of the world. But what comes all the dirt and dross to, they thus scratch and scrape together? most commonly to nothing, for what they are getting in three or four year they may lose in an after noon, so that it is as rare to see a rich jailer, as a drove of fat Oxen in Spain; for sometimes when they go abroad with Prisoners for twelvepences or eighteen pence gain, may lose them before they come in again, & so are forced to compound with their Creditors. And that I may recreate your spirits (too much dulled I fear with my tedious discourse) I will tell you three or four pretty tricks, three or four several Prisoners served those Keepers that went abroad with them.  
A poor man having been two or three Winters in the Hole, and along time frost bitten with calamity and want, desiring to free himself because neither his friends nor his cruel adversaries would do so much for him, came to a Keeper desiring him to go abroad with him telling him he had a firm hope to make a final agreement with all his Creditors: for he was going to a friend of his to receive so much money (naming the sum to him) as would release him: and if he would take the pains to go out with him he would before he stepped one foot out of the gates give him content: The Keeper that had as excellent a gift in taking money as any leaking boat hath in taking water, vouchsafed to receive his fees, and (to be short) wentabroad with him: the best part of the day they spent in walking up and down the City from friend to friend, yet they could not get so much as one sixpenny piece from any: at last to prolong the time, the Prisoner desired the Keeper but to go with him to one friend more, and there he made no doubt but to speed: well, away they go together, but they found no more money there then they did at divers places they had been at before, so that they were coming home again as emprie of money as they went out: for the Keeper would not stay a minute longer when he saw there was non Lariohn to be had, so he hastens his Charge to go a little faster that they might be at home betimes, nay faith said the Prisoner seeing you have been so good as to stay out with me so long, I desire you to do me that honest office as to go into a Barber's shop and stay while I am trimmed which I have not been this twelvemonth, and to recompense you for your pains I will give you your shaving; the Keeper not refusing this courtesy thinking to save a groat or sixpence in his purse by the bargain, went with him into the next Barber's shop they came to, where the Barber after a finnical congratulation bids them welcome, and provides his chair and his napkins, his combs, and his Scissors, his balls and his sponges, and falls first about the Prisoners ears: Who being dispatched gave him a tester and went to the window to put on his band, the Keeper instantly upon his rising began to fall into his room, and being set fell a talking with the Barber about what news he heard in the City, but they had not discoursed long, but Cutb●rd stopped his mouth with a washing ball, desiring him to shut high lips for fear the suds should come into his mouth, and to close his eyes for he was trimming him with a stinging ball: the Keeper did so, now in this time the Prisoner had made himself ready, slipped out of doors, went quite away, and was never heard of again. Now the Barber had no sooner took the basin from the Keeper's chin, and was carrying it to the window but the Keeper admiring he could not hear his Prisoner's tongue walk all this while, opened his eyes (venturing a smarting) to see whether the Prisoner were in the shop or no, whom he no sooner missed, but up he starts, runs out of doors bearing the Barber over and over, that came with his razor in his hand to shave him, and ran into the streets with the Barber's clothes about his shoulders, with his chops all white with the froth and suds that hung about them, so that he looked like a Boar that foamed at mouth, or a well traveling horse, and in this order runs he madding up and down the street enquiring for his Prisoner, the Barber follows him for his clothes, and money for his trimming, while every man, woman, and child that met him gave him way, thinking he had newly broke out of Bedlam; but my Barber at last overtook him, laid hold on him, and got his clothes, and his money of him before he would let him go: and so my Keeper was forced to turn back to the Compter without his Prisoner, so that when all his fellows heard the conceit they almost laughed him out of countenance, besides the plague he was put to in compounding with the Prisoners Adversaries.  
But in my conceit the best jest was of a fellow who was committed to the Compter (for getting a Wench with child) by a justice, who sent this proviso to the Keepers, that they should not permit him to go abroad until such time he had put in sufficient bail to discharge the Parish of the burden: Now the wench was not yet delivered but looked every hour, in the mean time this fellow made continual suit to go abroad to seek bail, at last one of the Book keepers let him go to some of his friends having for his Keeper one of the Messengers belonging to the house, now the Prisoner being abroad and seeing his time and opportunity, most nimbly and like an Irishfootman betook himself to his heels, and ran quite away, I cannot say clean away, for he was in such a fright that a man might have smelled him a furlong; but to conclude, the Messenger went home to the Compter as like an Ass as he went out, and brought home the sad tidings which was as welcome to the Book keeper as a Prisoner that had never a penny in his purse. Well to be short, the Parish complained of the Keeper's negligence, who laid the fault on the Messenger's head, at last it fortuned so, that the Wench was brought abed, but with what in the name of God? by my troth, with two chopping boys, which the justice hearing of, to ease the Parish of such a charge, sent for the Book keeper and the Messenger, and made the Book keeper keep one of them, and the Messenger the other, and this was their just and righteous doom.  
Thus with my best Art and industry according to my promise I have compiled in as brief a method as I could the state of the Compters Commonwealth rehearsing 
Compendium, imò suspendium.  the best and chiefest subjects belonging to it, as subtle Citizens, politic Prodigals, villainous Sergeants, and officious Constables and Beadles which are the four main Pillars that support it: then I discoursed to you of the nature of the place itself and the inhabitants, their extortion, and cruelty: I could now relate to you the villainy of the Messengers, that are members of the same body, who instead of going to men's friends with letters (which concerns their liberty or relief) will sit drinking in some Alehouse and neglect their business, which it may be is a perpetual undoing to the poor man. I could display the abuses of drunken Tapsters that poison poor Prisoners with their stinking sour beer, which they sell as dear as if it were as good as ever died any nose in grain: for the most we have is as you see, scarce a wine pint for a penny, and they will not suffer us to send for it out of doors where we may have far better, and better measure, but will break such bottles our friends send in too for our relief, and will neither trust us when we have no money, nor suffer us to send for it where we may be trusted, but serve us with drink that the worst jailor among them will scorn to taste of, but when we are all locked up into our Wards will send for better out of doors, and will be drunk when many a poor soul is so dry that they are ready to choke. I was entreated to have a ●●●ke at the Paperhouse, which I could not be won to, because I know nothing in their office worthy of displaying, for if I should express more than I know, both the wrong and disgrace would redound to myself, therefore if there be any corruption or double dealing among them I will leave it to their own consciences. And thus will I leave of this discourse, desiring you if you mean to put these observations in print I have delivered, not to nominate me, or reveal from whom you have had this discovery.  
Sir (said I) I will be as close as an Alderman's door at dinnertime, yet good Sir let it not seem tedious or trouble some to you, to acquaint me with one secret more, and I shall rest your friend in the highest degree of love and affection, which is that you (though concisely) would express to me the nature of the Hole, what place it is, and what government they have there, for I have heard much of the authority among themselves. At this he began to smile, telling me he was one of the chiefest in that place, and if it should be known that he revealed any of them secrets, he should not only have a fine put upon his head, but also should be put out of share. I seeing his backwardness drunk a cup of sack to him, and at last (though very loath) he began to me once more as followeth.   

CHAP. X. Containing 1. The misery of such as live in the Hole. 2. A resemblance between jerusalem and it. 3. An answer to certain objections. 4. A resemblance between the Hole, and a well governed City. 5. The authority of the Steward and the twelve oldest Prisoners. 6. Their manner of sitting in counsel, And lastly their justice, Law, and Equity.  
HE that would see the strange miracles of God, let him take some long voyage to sea, and he that would see the miseries of man let him come into this place the Hole, that stinks many men to death, and is to all that live in it, as the Dog days are to the world, a causer of diseases, except a few whom I have seen so stout and tough (stinkeproofe, nay plagueproofe I think) that no infection could pierce their hearts. jerusalem when it was sacked had not more calamities feeding upon her heart then this place, and I think it was the true Idea and shadow of this loathsome Dungeon we live in, for as there as pinching famine in jerujalem, so in this place there are many men that for want of sustenance utterly perish. In jerusalem there was sickness, so in this place a man shall not look about him but some poor soul or other lies groaning and labouring under the burden of some dangerous disease, the child weeping over his dying Father, the mother over her sick child, one friend over an other, who can no sooner rise from him, but he is ready to stumble over an other in as miserable a plight as him he but newly took his leave of, so that if a man come thither he at first will think himself in some Churchyard that hath been fattened with some great plague, for they lie together like so many graves. In jerusalem the wars ruined millions of souls, so in this place the continual war that hard hearted Creditors make against the lives of their poor debtor destroy many wretched and most miserable Creatures: and as in jerusalem a mother was forced through hunger to eat her own child to save her own life, so in this place one man is ready to pray upon the other, so that they walk up and down like so many Ghosts for want of food to relieve them. Lastly in jerusalem were intestine 
And fight against us in our own clothes.  seditions, so here innumerable assaults of our homebred friends descended from our own flesh. But (Sir said I) I have heard it reported for truth that there are many living in that place that go Gentlemanlike, have money continually in their purses, eat good meat, live as merrily as the best of the house, if this be true it cannot choose but hinder them from much charity that else would be sent unto them, for what need charitable Benefactors send them means when so many of them go so neat and handsome, for it is not given them to lay on their backs but to put into their bellies, for in such a place the coarsest garments are the best: again (they say) there is a certain company of them that take what they list themselves of what relief soever comes in, and the rest as the poorest, have their leavings, so then this is objected to be one of the chief causes that there is such continual sickness, poverty, and famine there: And lastly, that what means or money soever comes in to them, in the space of an hour after will either in wine, beer, or Tobacco make themselves drunk for the present time, which is the cause they fast a week after, therefore good sir resolve me these doubts, and I shall cease to trouble you any more: He instantly condescended and thus began to answer me.  
Sir (said he) it is granted that there be some in this place that go decent and handsome, but you must not be persuaded that they get it from such charities as are sent in to them, their own endeavours and labours procures it them, and it may be some of them as they have lived like Gentlemen abroad, so they would be glad to show themselves still though they be in prison: Besides, their friends sometimes furnish them with such necessaries as are fit to keep them clean, and handsome. Again, whereas you say that there are some of them have what they list, and leave what they dislike to the poor, is not to be credited, for there is nothing that comes in but the youngest hath as great a share as the eldest (ay as Master Steward himself) therefore whosoever informed you of this, spoke it out of envy towards us, yet we confess at Easter ', or Christmas when any good Legacy comes in, it is fittest that those Prisoners that have been of five or six years standing should have the profit of it before such as have been there but two or three months, and this breeds a mutiny many times among them, because the youngest hath not that privilege the eldest aught to have. And lastly, whereas you allege how riotous they live there when they have money, may be very well denied: for they have no money delivered into their hands, but into the Steward's disposing, who carefully provides them such necessaries as they want, only at Christmas and Easter or such times when the liberality of the City is more ample then at any other time of the year else, they (though unwillingly) may fall into some error being kept from a full diet so long time as many of them are And now Sir I hope I have cleared your doubts, therefore now I will proceed to the government of the place.  
This little Hole is as a little City in a Commonwealth, for as in a City there are all kind of Officers trades and vocations, so there is in this place, as we may make a pretty resemblance between them. In steed of a Lord Maior we have a Master Steward to oversee and correct all such misdemeanours as shall arise, he is a very upright man in his dealings though he stoop in his body, but the weight of the office he bears is the cause he bends, which is a great sign of humility. And as the City hath twelve Companies that exceed all the rest for authority, antiquity, and riches; so hath this place twelve old Prisoners that help the Steward in his proceedings, who by the general voice of the house rule and bear sway over all the rest; and here as in a City is Divine service said every evening, and morning; here as in a City is a commanding Constable, that upon any misdemeanours offered by any man either to the Steward, or the Twelve shall be bravely mounted and have ten pounds with a purse, that the print of their justice shall stick upon his buttocks four and twenty hours after. And lastly as in a City there is all kinds of Trades, so is there here, for here you shall see a Cobbler sitting mending old shows, and singing as merrily as if he were under a stall abroad; not far from him you shall see a Tailor sit crosslegged (like a Witch) on his cushion, threatening the ruin of our fellow Prisoners the Egyptian vermin: In an other place you may behold a Saddler empannelling all his wits together how to patch this Scotchpadde handsomely, or mend the old Gentlewoman's Crupper that was almost burst in pieces: You may have a Physician here that for a pottle of sack will undertake to give you as good a medicine for melancholy as any Doctor will for five pound, and make you purge upward and downward as well as if you had taken down into your guts all the drugs in Lothbury. Besides if you desire to be removed before a judge you shall have a Tinker-like Attorney not far distant from you, that in stopping up one Hole in a broken cause will make twenty before he hath made an end, and at last will leave you in prison as bare of money as he himself is of honesty: here is your Choleric Cook that will dress our meat when we can get any as well as any greasy Scullion in Fleetlane or Pyecorner. And twenty more than these there are, which for brevity sake I will leave out, because I would discourse unto you the majesty and state of these Officers, when every Saturday at night they sit in counsel about their affairs, and thus it is.  
About the time that Bowbell summons the toast and butter Eaters to shut up their shops, the Council begin to flock together, and then the youngest man of the Twelve provides a broom and makes the little cockeloft as clean as any citizens wives chamber in the Town, then spreads a green carpet on the board not much bigger than a Horse's saddle-cloath just before the place the Steward sits in, and then takes three or four stoops in his hands and trudges down to the Cellar, calling for the best liquor, telling Froth the Tapster that it is for Master Steward and the rest of his brethren, who gives them of the best because they are his best Customers: when he hath his full load of drink I mean his arms and not his head full, away he goes to the councel-chamber not forgetting to carry with him half a dozen papers of Tobacco: Having ascended the Ladder in a most comely order he places the Canns on the Table, and fills half a score pipes of Tobacco, thus having all things in readiness he requests the Steward and the rest of the Twelve to comeup, who being ascended begin to suck out the brains of the barrels to add to their own, and light the pipes and let them go merrily round. The reason that they drink so much before they determine of any thing, is this, that they may the easier cast up their reckonings; and why they drink so much Tobacco, is, that if any man be brought before them for any abuse committed, they might smoke him sound. When they have devoured all their drink, and Trinidado, they sift and boult out what expenses they have been at that week, what pepper, salt, vinegar, faggots, and candles they have spent, how many dozen of bread, sheeps gathers, and barrels of foureshillings beer they have had brought in that week. This business of moment dispatched, the youngest of the privy Council calls up all such as have had wrong done them any time that week, and prefers their bills of complaint up to the whole body of the Council, or else are permitted to relate, but with all modesty and deliberation, the nature of the offence, and so producing their witnesses, shall without all partiality have the Law pass upon the Offender, who must either fine for the fault, or if he be not worth so much, will make his posteriours pay for it. If any man be known to be a common Drunkard he shall, if he be able, fine for it, or else his punishment shall be to go a dry while he can get money to quench his thirst, or else must either drink water, or choke. If any man steal any of his fellows meat▪ if it be known he shall fine for it, but if he be not able, the Twelve will take such order with him that he gets not a penny loaf three days after. Whosoever forswears himself if he be able, he shall fine for it, if he be not▪ shall go and be damned as long as he stays in the house, and never have so much credit as run one penny on the Tapster's score.  
Again if they chance to fall together by the ears themselves about any thing they enact, so that they beat the Canns about each others ears, they will not long bear envy in their hearts, but at the approach of the other half dozen quench that fire of debate, drink a health to some of their best Benefactors, shake hands, be sworn friends, break up Council for that night, and go to their beds (if they have any.)  
Thus have I beguiled the time, and I fear myself, in relating to you the true nature of the Hole, the misery of it; my defence to the slanderous objections, and the authority and justice of the Steward and the Twelve, therefore I will touch one point more and draw to a conclusion. But as he was going forward in his discourse the Bell of the Masterside range to dinner, and by this means we were both called up; so I promised him secrecy as he entreated me, made an end of our sack, put a small token of my love into his hand, so he went to his Hole, and I to my Ward, but I no sooner was entered into my chamber, but with all expedition I took pen, ink, and paper, writing what I could remember of his discourse, which I have made bold to publish to the world, hoping that those that read it will not think a miss of me for setting it forth, for I doubt not but if it be seriously perused, it will give true content to them. So remembering my best love and service to all those that affect me, and my willing labours, I rest theirs to be commanded, and remain their poor and then imprisoned friend▪  
William Fennor.   
FINIS.