¶ A Dialogue between the Author and his Muse, as touching the dedication of this book.  Author 

MY friendly Muse leave Parnas hill a while,  
I crave thy aid and counsel now at need:  
L end me thy laurel crown to gui●…e my stile,  
DRED drives my mind to doubt of lucky speed  
May I be bold this rude book to address,  
To her who is a Mirror of worthiness.   Musa. 

B lush not at all (thou dastard) in this case,  
unto the best, best welcome is goodwill,  
R efrayne thy doubts, and hope for favours grace,  
give me the charge to rule thy rusty quill:  
LEY all thy care upon her courtesy:  
Whose noble heart knows all humanity.   Author. 

Thy words (my Muse) some hope of hap doth yield,  
But yet I feel a conflict in my breast:  
And whether part may win in me the field,  
My staggering doubt uncertain yet doth rest:  
Before mine eyes a platform doth appear,  
Of all her worthiness as thou shalt hear.   

If learning may lift up her fame to skies,  
Her laud is sent unto the highest throne:  
If virtue vaunt, a loft her honour flies,  
In godliness her like is rarely known,  
For noble nature, and for courtesy,  
What should I say, my pen cannot descry.   

May I not then be over saucy déemd,  
To make a match as this so far unfit.  
May I have hope my book to be esteemed,  
That shows not forth one dram of skill ne wit:  
Nay, nay, my Muse, I am resolved in mind:  
My undeserts, shall slender favour find.   Mus●…. 

Ah simple sot, I cannot choose but smile,  
To see how thou dost mask in follies n●…t:  
Thou seemst abashed of thy homely stile,  
Learn this of me, and do it not forget,  
Where learned skill her golden gifts do place:  
Good will unlearned shall find favours grace.   

Where virtue keeps possession of the breast,  
And godliness doth harbour in the heart,  
Scorn is exiled, she doth disdain detest,  
From noble nature, favour doth not start.  
Shun not to show the fruits of thy good will,  
No shame ensues where meaning is not ill.   

The simple beast that fears the Lious looks,  
Is fleshed at length by favour once obtained:  
Though (as thou sayst) unskilful be thy books,  
Yet thou ere this haste favours friendship gained.  
Her noble spouse, thy book did not disdain,  
While in thy breast like skirmish did remain.   

Where Mild is first, Rede then what doth ensue,  
Mild minds are always matched with courtesy:  
Dread not at all, she will vouchsafe to view  
Thy book if thou approach with modesty,  
No trick of love or Venus' wanton toys.  
Are herein penned, to feed fond lovers joys.   

If coy conceit of curious eloquence,  
Had ●…xed foot within her learned mind:  
Then were it time for thee to fly from hence,  
To hunt for terms that hardly thou mayst find.  
But why do I, to thee this lesson tell,  
She is none such, and that thou knowest full w●…ll.   

Then on I go, God send me lucky speed,  
In humble wise, to crave her favours grace:  
Adieu despair, on hope my heart shall feed,  
With full assurance of her friendly face.  
And this I vow, and shall perform thesame,  
In prayer to record her noble name.  
While life doth last.    

To the Right noble and virtuous Lady, the Lady Mildred Burleigh, Wife unto the right honourable Lord Treasurer of England, Ulpian Fulwell wisheth perfect Felicity.  
WHen I had taken a view (right honourable and virtuous Lady) of the great and grievous enormities, that issue from the filthy fountain of pestilent flattery, the practitioners whereof (as it is said) are the most pernicious of all tame Beasts, I was justly moved, or rather urged in conscience, to display the wicked and impudent exercises of the flattering floake in these days: Not that I think myself the meetest man to take this charge in hand (being very rude both in phrase & also invention) but rather to call the fine sort of writers that now swarm in England, to leave the currant handling of Venus' Pageants (wherein they show their excellency) and prosecute this, so necessary matter to be inveighed at, as a pestilent weed in a pleasant Garden, most necessary to be Irradicate.  
I shall not need to fly to the Poet Homer for his aid in description of the Sirens, seeing that thus our unhappy age is furnished with Mermaids, whose luring songs yield such dainty and delicate tunes to the ears of ambitious & vain glorious people, that while they seem to swim in the flood of Fortune, they sink in the stinking puddle of folly: but the wiser sort follow the example of Ulysses for the avoiding of their sweet venomous enchantments. And as it is well known that your L. have stopped your ears against their magical incantations, as a pattern of prudence and discretion, for others, (both therein and in all other commendable virtues) to imitate: So I am bold, humbly to desire your honour to be my Patroness in this my invective against that liberal science, which though I have (by a contrary) termed it the E●…ghth liberal Science, not that it containeth in it any liberality of virtue or honest knowledge, yet because benefits are so liberally contributed unto it (as daily experience showeth.) And if any Scycophant will captiously turn upon me, the pike of this edge tool, for any thing in this Epistle unto your L contained, I doubt not but easily to avoid his assault, with a great multitude of witnesses. For the abandoning of which filthy Art, I refrain to writ that which common knowledge and public report do of your L. worthiness daily testify. And although I may seem very presumptuous, to aspire to so noble a Patroness, with so slender a present to so learned a Lady, with so rude a Treatise, yet the great courtesy that I have both seen & received at your L. hands, hath enforced me to express my du etifull gratuity, with this my very simple & unpolished piece of work, in the acceptation whereof, I shallbe moste bounden unto your honour, with my humble & hearty prayer unto almighty God, both for you and my good Lord, whom God preserve to the inestimable comfort of the common wealth of this Realm.  
Your Honour's most humble. Ulpian FulWell.   

To the Friendly Reader, Ulpian FullWell.  
I Doubt not at all (gentle Reader) but that I, for my industry in detecting this eight liberal Science, shall be reputed with many sapientum octauus, the eight wise man: that is as wise as Will Summer, but I shall content myself with such reputation, rather choosing to be truths drudge, than Fortune's flattering darling. And I can not but greatly lament, that so many in these days do so addict themselves to the filthy trade of flattery, whereby both Noble men, Gentlemen, and good natured men are abused: & fools flatterers, dissemblers and jesters, nuzzled in impudence, and nourished by petty thievery, like the wasp that liveth upon the labour of the painful Bee. And although such Wasps will for this my labour do their endeavour to sting me for my pain: yet I will be so bold with them as to tell thee (gentle Reader) what they are. Such they are as lie at receipt for the fruits of other men's deserts. They catch the birds, for the which other men beat the bush, and such they are, as with their detestable practice of flattery, withdraw men from the study of virtue.  
And this their execrable science hath so perverted the 〈◊〉 of many in this age, and hath taken such habit in man's affections: that it is in most men altera natura, and very difficile to be expelled: yea, the very sucking babes hath a kind of adulation towards their Nurses for the dug, which (in my judgement) cometh unto them by corruption of nature: and as they grow in reason, so they increase therein, until in time it is turned from green and tender addulation, to ripe and perfect dissimulation, except by good education the same be prevented. If I should generally condemn all men of this foul crime, I might justly be blamed, yet may I boldly say, that in comparison of the multitude, very few there are, whose hearts and tongues are not stained with the blemish of flattery and the branches thereof: namely dissimulation, deceit, wicked persuasions, with such other like sinisters practice. How common a thing is it, to see one man embrace another with such friendly salutations, as though they were knit in the insoluble knot of perfect friend ship, and yet a man may buy as much love at Byllingsgate for a box on the ear.  
How shift some men with golden words to promiss, and how slack to perform: how easy to have a friend in words, and how hard to find one in deeds: And certes, if I should particularly descend to the very Beggar, I should both be too tedious in this Epistle, and also publish the effect of my second part of this matter, (as yet to come.) desiring thee not to wrest my words unto a worse sense, than my plain meaning hath pretended: and where thou findest this name Fortune, my meaning is the self-same blind Mammon, that the Poets speak of, under whose name and person, they comprehend earthly prosperity, which we daily see to be unegally, and undiscreetly distributed: and her stately palace, is the wide world, whereunto all men have ingress and egress: and thus doing, thou shalt both gratify my desire, and hasten me forth unto my second part: Until which time (gentle Reader,) I pray thee let not this my beginning offend thee, except thou be one of them that is here rubbed on the gall: but trusting that thou art one of Lady truths retinue, I submit my labour unto thy censure, wishing thee thy hearts desire in God. Vale.  
Ulpian Fulwell   

¶ A description of the seven liberal Sciences, into whose company the eight hath intruded herself.  

Grammar.  
IF learning may delight thy youthful breast  
If tender years to skilful lore be bend  
Approach to me, vouchsafe to be my guest:  
My entertainment shall thy mind content.  
My key in hand shall ope the gate of skill,  
My Book on breast shall teach thy tongue and quill.   

Logic.  
FRom Grammars School approach to me with speed,  
Where thou mayst learn the rule to reason right,  
I give the fruit, though Grammar sow the seed:  
In me thou mayst decern the dark from light.  
My fastened fist much matter doth import,  
Couched in few words fit for the learned sort.   

Rhetoric.  
WHen Grammars grace, and Logic's learned lore,  
Hath decked thy mind, and mended nature well,  
My golden study shall yield thee such store,  
Of flowing words and phrases that excel.  
Lo here with open hand I do display,  
The flowing flood of eloquence always.   

Music.  
WHen misty cloud of drooping dampish head  
Doth drive thy mind to plunge in pensive pool,  
The clog of care that soaking sorrows bread,  
Is clean shaked of, by entering to my School.  
My dainty tunes do yield such sugared sap,  
As draws each bliss, and drives each foul mishap.   

Arrithmetick.  
BY Sciphering Science, lo my sums I cast,  
By wit and weight, I wondrous things contrive,  
With bunch of keys, my counts are locked up fast:  
In me thou mayst see how thy wealth doth thrive.  
My arms and breast, my legs eke naked be,  
To show that truth and plainness rests in me.   

Astronomy.  
FRom earthly skill unto the lofty skies,  
My globe and I, will show the lore of light  
Thou shalt foresee what tempest will arise,  
To thee such secrets shall appear in sight.  
That Stars and Planets shall thy matesremain,  
And thou a fellow with celestial train.   

Geometry.  
Behold the Compass and the other tools,  
Wherewith I work such wonders as seem strange,  
My Rule and Quadrant, are no books for fools,  
A learned skull must in my precepts range.  
Now when thou hast us Sisters seven obtained.  
A world of wealth and wisdom thou hast gained.   

Adulatior, or flattery.  
Behold the brags that Sisters seven have made,  
Survey their vaunts that seem to shine so bright  
My glittering skill shall clips them in the shade:  
In me appears the beams of perfect light.  
My flattering tongue shall gain more than they all,  
I give the trip and they shall take the fall.   

Grammarians gain naught else but bread and cheese,  
Per●…hance dame Logic have a small reward,  
Neat Eloquence will plead for slender fees:  
Nice Music as a Minstrel men regard.  
Arrithmatick obtains but little thrift,  
Astronomy serves for a simple shift.   

Geometry may jog on barrels bun,  
And drink the dregs when liquor all is spent,  
My golden Art the game and goal hath won:  
To my sweet skill, each heart and ear is bend.  
The Well of wealth my Science doth contrive,  
Then learn my lore all ye that mean to thrive.   

To me doth flow the flood of happy state,  
In me is matched a mass of worldly bliss,  
No sturdy storm my favour may abate:  
For Princely ears my presence may not miss.  
I spin the thread and weave the web of hap,  
And none but I may sit in Fortune's lap.    

❧ The first Dialogue between the Author and the Printer.  Author. 
Full well I do find, that Fortune is blind, her wheel runs by chance:  
When she list to frown, the wise she throws down, and fools doth advance.  Printer. 
SIr, I do not a little marvel that you seem so to blame Fortune, whose favour, I suppose, you have sufficiently enjoyed from time to time, wherefore (me seemeth) you show yourself very unthankful for her good gifts on you bestowed.  Author. 
In deed, my old fellow and friend W. H. (I deem you are guided by this Proverbial reason,) Fortune favoureth fools, Ergo Fortune favoureth Fulwell, but all old proverbs are not always true, for than should I be very fortunate, but I will tender unto thee the cause that I am out of her grace and favour.  Printer. 
Sir, I pray you let me crave that courtesy at your hands, so may I happily learn the cause why she is my professed enemy also.  Author. 
First thou must understand, that I was servant a longtime unto Lady Hope, who in fine, was minded to prefer me unto the service of Lady Fortune, & when my said Mistress perceived that this blind Goddess was determined to entertain certain men into her service, & bestow on them very liberally, she sent me to Fortune, with her letter of commendations, the tenure whereof ensueth  
¶ Most bountiful Lady and my good Cousin (Dame Fortune) your approved friendship towards me at all times extended, emboldeneth me to writ unto you at this present in the behalf of this bearer U. F. my servant, whom to prefer unto your ladyships service, is my desire, and earnest suit unto you, of whose approved fidelity (utterly void of dissimulation and flattery) I give you warrantise, and in entertaining of him you shall do me a very acceptable good turn. Thus with hearty salutations, I wish you as unto myself, from my house at N.  
By your very louing●… Cousin Lady Hope.  Printer. 
Truly this was a very loving letter, and (in my judgement) you were happy to have so friendly a Mistress. I marvel that upon the delivery of this letter unto Lady Fortune, she made not you chief ruler & orderer of her house.  Author. 
Nay nay, one clause of this letter dashed all the rest, and made me loose my golden service.  Printer. 
What clause was it I pray you?  Author. 
These are the words that marred all, (utterly void of flattery and dissimulation.)  Printer. 
Why? then I perceive that slattery and dissimulation is the way to win Fortune's favour, and certis now I see plainly the cause that I have been always alienated 
Fortune favoureth none 〈◊〉 ●…atterers  from her favour, and a continual subject to her frowns. But I pray you, had you a ●…at denial at the first, or else by some pretty sleight of circumstance.  Author. 
I will disclose unto thee the order of my coming to b●…r Court, and of my entertainment there. At my first entry into her Court, I set aside bashfulness, knowing that boldness hath more free passage into the Court gates. Then with the Courtlikest fashion that I could, (being indeed more cart●…rlike than Courtier like) I priest myself into the Chamber of presence, my thréedbare cloak was marked of many, & the rest of my attire agreeable thereunto, was mocked of most, but specially of them that swinged up & down in bravery of other men's cost, and I was thought very saucy and malapert. And among the rest, one lusty Courtier (whose name as I understood afterwards, was double Diligence) 
Double 〈◊〉.  asked of me how I durst presume to iussel my bald cloak by their brave garments. Sir (said I) the baseness of mine doth increase the beauty of yours. This gentleman was so proud of his Peacocks plewms, that to ostend his bravery by my contrary, was willing to walk and talk with me in the Chamber of presence, unto whom at last I broke my mind, and the cause of my coming to the Court, and when he understood that I had letters to Dame Fortune from her Cousin Lady Hope, he welcomed me very friendly, and with small entreaty become my Solicitor unto his Mistress the Lady Fortune: by means whereof I was called into the presence of this blind Goddess, whom when I saw, I found the Poets and painters true men and not liars, for she was muffled from her chin to the top of her temples, & it so fell out that as I came in, she was blindly in bestowing of her gifts, in such sort, as I have seen the Priest in time past, deal holy bread, she gave to much to very many, but enough to none, Superfluity sat aloft, but Satiety was shut in prison, and as did the rest, so did I hold out my hand for her benevolence. I gaped wide, but other snatched up the benefits before they fell to the ground, I stretched forth my arm & opened my hand, but I could●… finger nothing, she crossed my hand with many bore blessings, but the gifts fell on both sides of my fist and non●… right: it rained pottage, but I wanted a dish: there might I see how some of William Sommers kindred had their hands full, Pierce Pickthank filled his purse, France's the Flatterer flourished in wealth, Crispin the Counterfai●… was counted a jolly fellow▪ Davy Dissembler had wealth at will and in great estimation, but to recite the detestable crew of fools, flatterers, and parasites, that received gifts o●… this blind Lady Fortune, would be to tedious to describe. At last I espied in a corner all solitarily, a beautiful Lady of comely feature, in very modest attire, and she noting my simplicity, amongst such a sort of snatching companions, come hither thou simple fool F. (quoth she) for thou art very  
the second pride, the third ambition, and they so prevailed, that my train become friends with her, and rebelled against me. Thus was she advanced, and I thrown down, then was I compelled to seek my habitation among temporal princes, and noble peers but my enemies were so mighty, that they constrained many potentates, to have of me small regard, yet the divine power so provided for me, that I was not, nor am not utterly fréendles, and being advertised by a Sister of mine, named Lady Virtue, that I am had in great veneration at this time within the realm of England, I am determined to address my journey, as well for the singular good report that I hear of the most renowned Queen of that realm, compar●… to the godly and virtuous Queen of Saba (Elizabeth by name) as also for the good hope of welcome unto that famous nation. And in this wandering pilgrimage, I chanced upon this Palace of blind Fortune (as thou now seest wherein I have noted great liberality with no less partiality, wise men beat the bush and fools catch the birds, valiant men crack the nuts, but cowards eat the kernels. Thus as I sit, I see and smile thereat. Among the rest, I saw when Homer came unto this Court, accompanied with the nine Muses, unto whom I stepped (knowing●… hi●… intent) and like cool Prophet uttered unto him these words.  〈◊〉. 
Friend Homer though you seem to come with guard of Muses nine,  
Bring you naught else? nay then adieu, go feed among the swine.  
AND full truly proved this prophesy, for while he was living, he was little regard●…d i●… this Court, but being dead, the great conqueror Alexander spoke of him much worship. And so it fareth 〈◊〉, 〈◊〉 men are not wanted, till they are lodged in their graves. And although I know full well, that there resteth in thee no extraordinary wisdom, nor scant so much as should serve thy turn, yet the experience that I have in this Court, and by the conjecture of thy nature, I dare assure thee thou shalt have a could suit, if thou have aught to doing with Lady Fortune.  
Madame (quoth I) I have attentively hearkened unto 
The Author exhorteth Lady Truth to come into England.  your tale even from the beginning, and am sorry for your misfortunes, which to redress I would it in me rested. And if it be your ladyships pleasure to repair unto the Realm of England I will be your man, and I doubt not but there you shallbe entertained very nobly, both in the Court, City, and Country. Notwithstanding (good Madame) I will be so saucy as to beshrew you for your prophesy against me in this my suit unto Lady Fortune, because I know that your words cannot be false, you being as you are (Lady Truth) notwithstanding void of all hope. I will approach unto her with my message, and then will I keep my promise in waiting on your good Ladyship. Now friend Printer, if you list to hear how I speed, read this Dialogue following.   

The second Dialogue between the Author, and Lady Fortune.  Author. 
Haphazard dame Fortune, your wheel runs to fast,  
You lift up a fool, and a wiseman down cast.  FOrtune. 
What malapert jack is it that so saucily checketh my doings: it were more fit for him to sit by the heels in the porters lodge 
●…linde Fortunes coma ●…on alms.  then so presumptuously to prate in our presence Althouhh I wink, yet am not I so blind, but that I can perceive thy bold approaching above thy degree.  Author. 
Dear Lady Fortune, as I am sorry for that I have so suddenly offended you, even so I am right ioyus for your sudden deprivation from your blindness, trusting that your Ladyship will y rather vouchsafe to peruse these letters that I bring unto you from my good Lady & Mistress, the Lady Hope.  Fortune. 
If thou be servant unto my Cousin Lady Hope, thou art the better welcome to my presence, and I pardon thy former sauciness. But before I peruse this letter, tell me what is thy name, and by what friendship thou were admitted into this place, being clad in so simple attier?  Author. 
Dear Lady, the first letter of my first name beginneth with this letter V signifying unfortunate, and my surname is Fulwell, which being joined together, is Unfortunate Fulwell. And as touching my approaching into your presence, so it is that I fulfilled the old proverb (who so bold as blind Bayarde, but I came not to this place without a back burden of mocks and taunts.  Fortune. 
While thou hast been telling thy tale, I have 
〈◊〉 ●…mon ex●…se I would you had cum 〈◊〉.  perused the letter, and considered the contents thereof, and I wish thou hadst come a little sooner, while I was in dealing of my dole, that somewhat might have fallen to thy share.  Author. 
In deed Madam, as somewhat hath some savour, so nothing doth no harm, but I was present at your dole▪ and yet may carry away my gains in mine eye, and not blemish my sight. I confess your hand blessed me very often, but I feel no virtue to consist therein, so that I can make no great brags of my gains at your hands.  Fortune. 
Right now thou madest confession of thy boldness, what sudden bashfulness possessed thee, that thou fearedst to snatch out of my hands, as well as others.  Author. 
Truly Madam I was never instructed in the school of scambling, and now I am to old to learn, but quietly to stand at receipt to take up nothing.  Fortune. 
Then art thou utterly unable to thrive in 
Many have not learned to thrive.  these days, but now to the purpose, my Cousin Lady Hope hath written unto me very friendly in thy behalf, that I should take thee into my service, but one clause therein contained maketh me deem thee very unfit for my Court.  Author. 
May it please your Ladyship to show me wherein my unability consisteth.  Fortune. 
As thou sayst, thy name is Unfortunate Fulwell, so I perceive thy destinies agree thereunto, for except 
All saving flatterers are unfit to serve in Fortunes Court.  thou be skilful in the eight liberal science, thou canst not enjoy either wealth or any special favour.  Author. 
Truly Madam, I have been a block bedly scholar all days of my life, and not utterly ignorant in some of the seven liberal sciences, although cunning in none of them all, but certes of the eighth I never heard un till now, whereby I see the longer a man liveth the more he may learn. Wherefore I pray you Madam vouchsafe 
The eight liberal science the nature of it, & wherein it most con●…steth.  to let me understand somewhat of this science at your hands.  Fortune. 
For thy Mistress sake I will do so much for thee, it is called ars adulandi, and well deserveth to be reckoned among the liberal sciences and may be called Sciencia liberalissima, because it hath more liberality contributed unto it then is to any other Art, and of itself liberally bestoweth her skill on as many as are willing to study the same. It consisteth more in practices then on precepts, and the first principle of it is this, q●…i nesc●… si●…lare nesci●… vivere. He that knoweth not how t●… dissemble cannot 〈◊〉 how to live. Now that I have directed thee thus far in this science, go study the same diligently, and practise it effectually, and then come unto my court again.  Author. 
But is there any university wherein this sci●…e, is studied:  Fortune. 
It is both studied and practised throughout the 
The world is full of such Graduates.  world, & thou mayst have enstructers in every city, town, village, and bamlet, yea, & almost in every private house, wherefore learn with speed, or else live like a very fool, and so farewell, for I can no longer attend thee.  

¶ Fulwels farewell unto dame Fortune.  

FArewell thou froward frowning dame, the fautor still of fools:  
A list not learn thy fawning lo●…re, I loath thy flattering schools:  
For tract of time by tried truth, shall turn thy whirling wheel,  
And throw him from thy ●…ickle ●…on, to tumble at thy heel.  
My dreary date shall drive the line, to A●…ops fatal blade,  
E●… I unto thy ●…lthy art, will frame my living trade:  
Let greedy need make old wives ●…rot, to ●…ill their rusty 〈◊〉:  
Let Gnato feed his hungry pan●…he, I list not to be such.  
Let Aristippu●… cogging skill, the ytching e●…res still r●…:  
And I with plain Diogenes, will tumble in a Tub.  
Where we with roots will take repast, with conscience clear possessed▪  
Before ●…ne ●…are▪ with tongue in mouth, quite from the heart in breast.  
●…ew therefore thou doting dame, I damn dis●…ine thy skill:  
And while I live against thy lore, I will direct my quill▪  
Thy fruit with ●…lthy taste is fraught, yet fair to view of eyes:  
Wherunder privy poison larks, and secret ●…enime lies.  
The sap is sweet and pleasant ban●…, yet feeds the foolish mind:  
Such graffs so set on rotten stacks, such fruit must yield by kind,  
I rather choose the homely dish that wholesome drink doth hold:  
Then sugared wine with poison saust, in cup of glittering gold●….  
As thou hast always scorned my state, so I do thee disdain:  
That pleasure is to dearly bought, that purchased is with pain.  
And glorious though thy gifts appear, yet tickle is the stay:  
And hateful hearts pursues with grudge, thy golden gifts always.  
And when thy wrinkled for●…hed frowns upon the wealthy wight:  
What sot is he so s●…ple then, that shows not forth his spite.  
Then he poor wretch that erst was set full nicely in thy lap:  
Lies prostrate at ethe Peasants foot, to wail his woeful hap▪  
When flood of wealth is turned to ●…b, what greater grief may be:  
Two contraries extremely placed, doth aye full ill agreed.  
So he that hath been ●…nely fed with sweetness of thy bower:  
Most grievously sustains the change, when he casts of the sour.  
The mean estate, that thee contemns, in steadfast boat doth row:  
The Ship in safeguard most doth pass, that bears her sails but low  
And for my part, I force thee not, thy frowns I can sustain:  
For if thou 'cause my sp●…y fall. I fall but in the plain.  
This vantage than I have by right, to vaunt where ever I go:  
That I may ●…it and smile at thee, that have deceiud●… th●… so.  
But most of all I must needs muse, that wis●…n seek thy grace:  
Sigh troubles so attend on them that have thy friendly face▪  
But some can use thee in thy kind, whom thou hast ●…uely 〈◊〉  
And are not now to learn I trow to bring a babe to bed.  
Let them that list that hazard try, and trust in thee repose:  
As I by thee no ga●…nes do seek, so nothing will I loose.  
And thus farewell, I ●…ll return to Lady Hope again:  
And for a token I thee send, a doting Fig of Spayn●….    
FINIS.   

¶ The third Dialogue, between the Author and a Friar.  Author. 
A Fox or a Friar, who fasting doth meet:  
Presageth ill Fortune to lie at his feet.  FRier. 
In very deed that old proverb is not to be disproved, for I dare avouch the truth thereof, 
A gentle and true in terpre tation.  and yet (gentle s●…rra) it is not as you understand it, for I know you construe it as thus: if you meet with me or such as I am, or with a Fox in a morning (you being fasting) that then it prognosticateth ill luck●… unto you that day, but the true construction is clean contrary, and is thus to be understood. If you meet with a Fox in a morning that hath not broken her fast, or a Friar that goeth from the place where he was harboured without eating any thing, it may well protend some misfortune. For a Fox purloyneth all the night, and returneth to her Berry with a full paunch: And a Friar issueth not out of the doors without his brea●…fast both in his belly and in his budget for failing.  Author. 
I am right joyous that I have met with so noble a Doctor this morning, at whose hands I have already learned one lesson, and by whose company I hope to attain more skill. I pray you Master friar let me be your companion this day, for I am already inflamed with the love of your company.  friar. 
Is thy business so stender, that thou mayst intent to walk with me at random?  Author. 
My business is soon dispatched, for I have naught to doing this day but to make loytringe pings.  friar. 
In faith good fellow, then, then is thy occupation and mine much alike, and me seemeth by thy attire, thou thrivest but slowly with thy trade, or else thou art one of them that cannot thrive for shame, howbeit (because thou seemest to he a good fellow) I will for good fellowships sake teach unto thee the eighth liberal science, which is a very profitable art, wherein (I judge by thy estate) thou art utterly ignorant.  Author. 
And are you master friar, a student in that Science?  friar. 
Yea sir that am I, and in degree above a student, 
A Doctor in knaucry.  for I am an ancient practitioner therein, and think myself sufficiency to proceed Doctor in that faculty, so good an opinion I have of myself.  Author. 
It is like that you are very well seen in the old liberal Sciences, and in other good studies, that you are so excellent in this new found Arte.  friar. 
Nay verily, I count him a fool that beateth his brains about many matters, and hath no excellency in any one, wherefore I have set aside all other studies to attain to the very perfection of this only Art, whereby I am welcome wheresoever I come. The name of it is, ar●… adulandi, The art of Flattery. And there belongeth unto it, glozing, cogginge, doubleness, dissimulation, jesting and railing, with many other branches as in practice is very easy to be learned. But every man that weeneth to win credit by his art, may not be rash in making his 
Some one to be followed.  choice of these branches, lest he be espied, and so discredit himself. I will not mention unto thee of the courtiers practise, nor of the homely Country man's handling of his matters, nor of any others, but I will reveal unto thee which of these branches I have chosen, and how I use it.  Author. 
My ears are prepared to hear your discourse I pray you begin.  friar. 
Thou knowest that it is my profession to wander as a pilgrim, from place to place, and am an authorized beggar, my cowl is my passport, and my shaven crown my credit. And when I first began to wander, I was utterly unskilful in this art before mentioned, at what time my order was to give wholesome & godly counsel unto my good Dames of the Country, and would sometimes check their wanton children, when I saw them rude and lassivious, insomuch that at the last, when I was espied coming into any village, the children, yea and their mothers also would shut their doors against me. I (knowing the 
A bold geste.  cause of their disliking me) was so sau●…y as to draw the latch, and boldly entered into the house, for I was as perfect of the way in, and also of every corner in the house, as was the good wife herself. This was no poor man's house but a good fat Farmer, and my Dame was a lusty wench and had a rolling eye. And when I came into the Hall, there was she and her two daughters with her, the elder of them being but twelve years of age, and the younger ten years old, and her only son lying in the Cradle. God bless my good Dame (quoth I) and God be hear. etc. Let it not offend you (my good Dame) that I rush in so boldly unto you, for I was this night warned by God in 
A counter●…●…ait revelation.  a vision, to bring you good tidings, and the spirit that appeared unto me revealed as I have already found, the words that he spoke were these. Friar Frances, I charge thee that this day about ten of the clock in the forenoon, thou repair to thy good ben●…factor I G. and will her steadfastly believe, that whatsoever thou shalt say unto her, is as true as the Gospel, and at thy first coming, thou shalt find her doors shut against thee, notwithstanding, enter in boldly, & thou shalt find her & her three children with her in the Hall, but her husband shall be at Plough in the field (which I new before I came thither) & thou shalt say unto her, set your servants that are about your house, to such work as they may not come to hear the secrets that I have to reveal, and also let your two daughters be ●…ecluded from our presence, and then (Friar Frances) I will send to thy mind what thou shalt say.  Author. 
Truly this is a proper ceremonial beginning, but was she not doubtful lest some body should come in and take you so suspiciously together.  friar. 
Nay, we Friars are at a good point for such matters we are not suspected because we are accounted men mortified 〈◊〉 fleshly lusts, & are authorized to shreve both men & women.  Author. 
Latet anguis in Herb●…, I doubt lest under your cloak of simplicity, lurketh a huge heap of subtlety, and I fear me lest you be one of them that Saint Paul mentioneth in the second Epistle to Timothi in the third Cham who with external holiness, and internal filthiness, devour the souls of the simple, whose words are these There are some which creep into houses, and lead captive simple women laden with sins and lead with divers lusts etc. And also unto Titus in the first Chapter, as thus. There are many disobedient and vain talkers, and deceivers of minds, which subvert whole houses, teaching things which they aught not, for filthy lukers sake. Notwithstanding (Master friar) I pray you proceed with your discourse, and we will set Saint Paul aside till you have done.  friar. 
Tush, tush, I was a preacher of Peter and Paul 
Moore profit in flattering, then in preaching God's word.  a great while, until the world was weary of me, but I find more profit in this Science ten to one, as in the end thou shalt perceive. And now to return to my good dame G. again, when we were by ourselves, than called I my wits together, how I might set a face of honesty upon my pretenced Reu●…lation, affirming that I speak nothing of myself, but by divine inspiration. You are (quoth I) at this present conceived with a son in your womb, which 
Hipocrisic cloaked under Religio●…  child is predestinate to be a noble peer of this land, and shall advance your whole lineage to great honour and dignities, and you shall live to see those happy days. Yourself shall have sovereignty (the thing that women chief desire.) Your two daughters shallbe Ladies of great renown, and have many suitors come unto them for to get their good wills in marriage, and that of no mean persons, and I trust (as old as I am to see this little boy in the Cradle (God bless him) be of great estimation in this Country.  
This News so ravished the heart of my Dame, that she thought herself immediately half way to Heaven, supposing that I had been the Angel Gabriel. Then had I the best cheer in the house set before me, and who then but Master friar Frances?  Author. 
Me think this was a blind policy, and sounded in her ears incredible. But to begin a little (with your licence) was she than conceived with child.  friar. 
Yea sir that was she, for I had heard certain of her gossips reasoning of that matter before. And least she should seem incredulous of my words, I set in that Caveat at the beginning, whereby she might stand in fear of incredulity, and if any thing should happen contrary to my words, I would have ascribed it to her unbelief, and as for the chief effect of my prophesy, I was certain that 
Sea crafty dissemblers conveyance.  in my life time it could not be expected, so that I forged this matter but to serve for my life time.  Author. 
But was she not inquisitive to know by what means this thing should come to pass?  friar. 
Yes, and I had a proper invention in a readiness. I told her, that when this child commineth to the age of xxii. years, there should be great wars between the Emperor, and the Turk, and it should fall to his lot to achieve many notable Steatagems, against the Machometicall Emperor, by means whereof his glory should be advanced throughout all Christian Regions and especially within this Nation. But to see how Fortune favoured my proceedings, when I was once entered into the profession of this Art, it happened, that while we were at our jolly good cheer, there came in a gossip of hers, (who according to the courtesy of our Country) was invited to do as we did. And when we had chatced a while together, I willed her to show me her left hand, professing myself to be very cunning in Palmistry (in which art I have as much skill as a horse, and no more) I looked on her hand and would sometimes name Lineavite 
Knavery coloured under a shadow of learning.  sometimes Lineanuptialis, but to conclude, I knew neither of them both, nor any other line, but for a shadow to blear her eyes withal. And then I mused with myself (as if I had been in a brown study) during which time, I considered with myself what dangers are commonly incident unto men and women: and at the last I told her that she had hardly escaped the danger of drowning, she ratified my assertion with an oath, deeming me to be rather an Angel than a mortal man: this so fleshed me that I was now a gog.  Author. 
But what if she had denied that she ever escaped such danger?  friar. 
Then would I have said that it was in her youth, before her remembrance, but it fell out better. Then I blundred at other of her misfortunes passed, and some I hit right, and on the rest that she remembered not so well, I cast such a cloak of cullusion, that she rather ascribed to it her oblivion, then to any want of Art in me.  Author. 
But was she not as desirous to hear of her good fortunes to come, as of her evil chances passed?  friar. 
Yes marry was she, and there beginneth the sport. I should have noted unto thee before, that while we were in our merriments as we sat at our dinner, this wife drank to all good husbands, and then (quoth she) my busbands' part is lest. I thought on these words, and I perceived also by more of her talk, that there was but small good liking between her husband and her, therefore to please her mind by telling of good news, I said that as she had suffered care and sorrow by the frowardness of an unloving man, so she should (within short space) possess joy and solace by the entire love of a faithful husband, with whom she should have her own will, and wealth at pleasure, and she should see her desire upon her enemies, and bear the swing & sway of all the women of the Parish she should devil in, with such like. Thus I was among my good Dames esteemed as a very Prophet, because I spoke 
Fair worde●… makes such fools fayce.  unto them pleasing things, and by these means I was more sought unto then any Doctor of Physic, or counselor of the Laws, and specially of Women.  Author. 
But could you please all that came unto you with these practices, or had you other shifts in store?  friar. 
Nay. I am not so simple but I can respect the person, for I met with some women, that I knew loved their husband's full well, and for them I had other devices. I will flatter some of them in their children saying, that as they are of amiable countevance, and of fair feature, so there are manifest tokens in their faces of wisdom, towardlynes grace and good fortune, and what Parent will not delight to hear this of their children, and for the Parents themselves, I have a thousand pleasing inventions in this head of mine.  Author. 
But will not the foolish Parents perceive thy gross flattery, if they see no such thing in their children in deed, as thou speakest of?  friar. 
Never a whit, for thou knowest the Fable in Aesop, that the Owl thought her own birds fairest, and in this respect parents for the more part are blind, and specially mothers. And it is as feat a point in flattery to gloze in that which is never like to come to pass, as to promise' that which a man never meant to give, or would do him no pleasure to whom it is offered. As I read once in a profane story that at what time virtuous Deborah the Prophetess judged Israel: in the City of Babel was dwelling a rich Lieutenant named Ishewa who being presented by a Soldier, which fought under Apollo's Banner with a simple piece of work which he had framed in Minerva's Shop: requited him only with a Bezeles manus and fed him with fair words, promising him that which neither he could give, as he knew right well, neither the 
Monstrous promises choke ●…oles.  other regarded as did plainly appear. But as for any other reward the devil a whit he gave him for his pains.  Author. 
I am sure thou aboundest in such good examples, but what need so far fet and of such antiquity? I think thou mayst have store in the profound Masters of your faculty and never travail to Babel for them. For ye are all of one predicament, both he of whom thou spakell and all the rabble of you, a company of cogging coistrels, howbeit I am sure thou hast taken forth a lesson before them all, and mayst well read a lecture in the art of Adulation. For truly thou flattering Friar, I have heard so much of thee that I am ashamed to he are any more. And that inventing 
It was he o●… some like godly Captain.  head of thine, lacketh nothing but a halter in steed of a hood, but yet I pray thee (Friar) between earnest and jest, was it not thou that preachedst of late unto certain thieves by the high ways side, and approvedst them worthy members of a common wealth, comparing them in many points unto Christ?  friar. 
Not verily, it was not I, but certes I know him and commend him, for he was a wise fellow & made a learned and profitable Sermon. He preached not for six shillings and eight pence, the ordinary price: but for ten pound and more. And truly to gain half the money (although it stand not with my profession to handle money) I will affirm that thieves aught to be rulers, and not to be ruled, yea and are worthy to be canonized among the Saints, when the year of jubilee cometh.  Author. 
First I have noted thy apostasy, in falling from thy profession to the filthy trade of Flattery for thy bellies sake, whereby I condemn thee for a belly god: and before I proceed any further, I will compare thee to that wicked julian Apostata, whose end may be a Mirror to the terrible example of all Renegates, of which number thou art a Captain, most blasphemously belying the holy spirit of God, with thy forged inspiration, not unlike that falie seducinge Prophet Machomet who with his forged inspirations unto this day beguileth the Turks. So 
Machomet sedu●…eth the Turks by a forged reave lation.  that thou hast denied Christ our Saviour who in the general judgement will also deny thee, except (by his special grace) thou repent. Secondly, I condemn thy impudent arrogancy in arrogating to thyself cunning skill in Palmistry, thou having no more judgement than an Ass, wherein thou art one of the deceivers of the world, foreprophesied by Saint Paul, to abuse the latter Age. And also, whereas thou art utterly unlearned in any good art or faculty, thou art not to be taken for a member, much less a Minist●…r of Christ's Church, but to be whipped out of the same, as one for whose cause the word of God is evil spoken of, for thou and such as thou art, have been the ruin & overthrow of many goodly houses, to the great annoyance o●… poverty, & of such bussards as thou art, are to many in these days, that maketh the world in fear of a second subversion (which God forbidden.) Thirdly, thy liking, and allowing 
〈◊〉 ●…phemy.  of blas●…hemous do●…rine, comparing Christ our Saviour to wicked and abominable thieves, is most stinking, and detestable. Thou knowest, or oughtest to know, that John the Baptist, although he were the King's Chaplain, namely King Herodes, fed not his Lord and Masters ears with flattering doctrine for promotions sake, but reproved 
A comenda●…on of S. John the Bap●…st.  his sin to his face, for the truths sake. He rather chose to live in penury, with Locusts & wild Honey in the desert, then to far delicately in the wickedness of his Masters Court. He desired with the Psalmist, rather to be a door keeper in the house of God, then to devil in the Tents of ungodliness. He might have been advanced, to be taken for the Messiah of the world, but he put it from him, unto him who of right aught to have it. He was neither covetous, nor proud, nor lascivious, he was no disse●…bler, but a true preacher, not protesting one thing and performing another: he was no Simonist, he hunted neither for Bishopric nor Benefice, but directed his whole life to the setting forth of God's glory. When the Pharasies and head rulers came to his Baptism, he called them not gracious Lords, but generation of ●…pers, and bid them bring forth fruits of repentance, he was altogether ignorant in thy ●…lthy Art of Flattery.  
When the Publicans came to him to learn their duties, he preached not lying Palmistry but learned Divinity. He allowed not their polling and pilling, with a cloak of Custom, because they were receivers of custom for the Prince, but sharply rebuked their extor●…ions, and b●… them take no more of any man then right required. But the professors of thy art will not stick to persuade them, (by wresting the Scriptures clean out of joint) that all their dealings, what wicked & perverse means so ever they use, is tolerable. Also when the roistinge Soldiers came unto him, he commended not their ●…alyantnes, nor their courageous stomachs, but ●…eckt and taunted their injurious violence showed towards men, and exhorted them neither actually to hurt any man under colour of true service to their Prince, nor wrongfully to accuse any man, which two ●…aults they commonly used, and lastly persuaded them to be content with their wages and stipend. Finally (as is before said) he spared not the Majesty of the King his Master, in respect of the truth, which if he would have done, no doubt but he might have been (if he listed) Princeps sacerdotum, in st●…ed whereof he was content rather to lose his head then recant.  
Thus (Friar) I have expressed unto thee part of my mind, defiing both thee and thy detestable Art of Adulation.  friar. 
I am sorry that I conceived so good an opinion of thee, seeing thou art so contrary to my disposition, & where as thou sayest thou hast expressed part of thy mind unto me, I assure thee I think neither thou nor any man can show any more than thou hast rehearsed. And whereas thou hast brought in Saint john against me, I can allege for that one a number, that were as well learned as ever was Saint john, who were students and practisioners of my art, and I pray you among the rest, what say you of Saint Peter as good a man as saint john in each point, did not he dissemble by denying his Master for fear of his life, and I hold him the wiser of the twain.  Auchor. 
O thou Child of Perdition, that so dissolutely, and desperately ●…unnest headlong to the pit of Hell. First because thou sayst I can s●…yte no more examples to make for my purpose, I will omit a great many that I might name for the contentation of my assertion, as well the Apostles of Christ, as a multitude of other goodly Martyrs, and note unto thee only Saint Peter. For whereas thou sayst that Peter for sau●…gard of his life dissembled, thou showest thy ignorance in the sacred truth, and thy exe●…rable study in wresting the same. Peter dissembled not, but the hope that he had to see his masters deliverance out of the han●…es of his mal●…cious enemies, through the entire love that he bore unto his Master Christ, caused him to reject consideration of any former matters, as well his stout promise, as otherwise, which in the end he bitterly, with tears repented. He so much hated dissimulation that he could not abide an old grandfather of thine, Simon Magus, to delude the world with his cogging skill, dispiseinge 
Si●… Magus grandfather 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  and abhorring both him and his money. And as touching his flattery, let the whole course of his doctrine witness, wherein I think thee to be ignorant. Of timorousness of death, his end can witness, for he suffered death for Christ's sake.  friar. 
Marry s●…r there hangeth the doubt, for I have heard that he never came at Rome, where it is said that he was put to death under Nero, and was Pope there, by old report.  Author. 
It is impertinente to our matter to prove whether Peter were at Rome or not, but whosoever affirmeth that he never was at Rome, (in proof whereof ●…es must condemn some good Authors) yet will he not say that Peter suffered not death for Christ's sake: and it may well be old report, or rather old wives tales, that Peter was Pope of Rome, for the name was ascribed many years after Peter's death. Thus thou hast abused that holy Apostle by challenginge him to be of thy Art, which thou termest the eight Liberal Science. And thus to conclude with thee, I shall pray to God to illuminate thy heart with his holy spirit, to expel that foul F●…end of Flattery from thee until which time, I shall detest and abhor thy company, as S. Iohn ●…d from Ce●…inthius that wicked her●…tick.   

The fourth Dialogue between the Author, and Fortunatus.  

If Fortune's grace be perfect hap,  
For worldling●… calls i●…●…o:  
Then I at last do bath in bl●…  
That ●…arst was wrapped in w●…   Author. 
Sir I have heard many men complain of that Lady whom you so commend, for the 〈◊〉 and happiness on you bestowed, but I see that ec●…e man speaketh as iust●… 'cause him moveth. And sithence you are, by her benefits and bounty, occas●…oned to honour her: may I be so bold as to learn at your hands, what ways and means you used to obtain so highly her favour & friendship, so shall you bind me unto you, for I have been an vns●…ilfull suitor unto her Ladyship, and therefore a slow●…●…peeder.  Fortunatus. 
Your reasonable request, which seemeth unto me to be tempered with mere simplicity, shall be easily granted, attend therefore and mark well the event so thou mayst, perhaps, be directed a more ready & perfect 
Little 〈◊〉 in simplici●…  way to win her favour by diligent imitation.  
When I first came to the Court, I lived a bore and beggarly life▪ using sundry simple shifts to rub out am●…gst the rest. I cared not in whose debt I become, so I might serve my present necessity. But at the last I perceived that this trade could not long continued, for experience taught me that easily won was lightly lo●…e, and evil gotten was ill spent. I applied my sel●…e to a profitable trade, which was to learn the eight liberal 〈◊〉, and to practise the same, by means whereof I have obta●…ed Fortunes special favour, but before I could bring this matter to perfect effect, I was constrained to use pretty 〈◊〉 ●…or there are certain degrees ascending before a ma●… 
〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  may come to her grace and favour. I presumed not at the first to her own presence, but observed diligently on whom she used most commonly to smile, and when I perceived who was her minion, I also found out which of his gentlemen waiters was greatest in his books, and having diligently searched these premises, I framed myself to be very officious and serviceable unto Lady Fortune's man, towards whom I behaved myself so pleasantly by skilful insinuation, that (what with my cunning adulation and deep Dissimulation) I crept 
To publish d●…ued commendations is no flattery, but above measure is folly.  even into the very bowels of his secrets. Then began I to magnify and extol the wisdom, prows, fame, and renown of his noble Master, yea, (and I may tell thee) far above his deserts, and doubting lest my words in commending him should not be brought to his ears, I compiled a pleasant Pamphlet, and dedicated the same unto him, in the preface whereof I fed his vain glorious humour with magnificent Titles and terms. But before I would presume to exhibit the same unto him, I thought it good to use the counsel and advise of my young Master and new found friend, whom I knew to have perfect experience of his Masters my patron's inclination. This my industry joined with feigned fidelity liked him so well, that (to further my wished success) he gave a very good report 
Flattering epistles sum time find favour, but wise men 〈◊〉 at the folly of such & gene them small thanks for their 〈◊〉.  of me unto his Master, and by his counsel I waited opportunity to deliver my said Pamphlet unto the Patron when I found him in a merry mood (which is a thing specially to be regarded of all suitors) it pleased him so well to read his own commendations, that he vouchsafed to peruse the rest, and gave me his reward and good countenance which was the thing for the which I fished, and within short space I grew into greater favour than was my first Master, his man before specified: so that I was not Lady Fortunes minions man's man, but Lady Fortune's minions fellow. And not long after that, by my daily access unto Lady Fortune's presence, and my cunning skill in Adulation, wherein I was an absolute Scholar, I had the charge of her whirling wheel in my own hand, to advance whom I liked, and throw down whom I listed.  Author. 
Then I doubt not but the Authors of your preferment were at your hands right bountifully rewarded.  Fortunatus. 
Certes and so they were, for I not only deprived them from their former dignities, but also banished them the Court. For thinkest thou that I would suffer any man to be in the Court that might justly upbraid me with these words? I was the causer of this thy preferment, or thou mayst thank my father or friends for thy dignities? Nay, nay, I will none of that, I rather commend the heroical mind of him that said, he would rather be a Prince to rule and reign, yea though he had no possessions, then to be a vassal, or subject with infinite wealth. What need I be ashamed of ambition, sithence to hit the top of Dignity is the mark whereat all shoot. Doth not the young Scholar covet to excel all others in learning, the Musician in Music, the Artificer in his craft, and so of the rest.  Author. 
Yea sir, but (under your correction) I deem that these desires of excellency, proceed from an honest emulation, but the other from a wicked condition, and I think that neither the finest Scholar, the most cunning Musician, nor the excellentest Artificer, with the rest, think no scorn of their first enstructors, though you of your first founders.  Fortunatus. 
Tush, tush, who so preferreth honesty before honour shall prove himself a fool.  Author. 
But experience teacheth, that honour upholden with honesty, standeth when honour without honesty falleth to decay, and as nothing is more fickle than Fortune's favour, so nothing may be more dangerous than an aspiring mind, who having attained the top of Dignity, by the fawning face of unconstant Fortune, is forced to sustain a most grievous and irrecuperable fall, at whose overthrow, men rather rejoice then lament.  
Wherefore I prefer the mean estate, who if he fall falleth but in the plain, which he may easily endure, and quickly rise again, before the great danger of the lofty degree, when it liketh froward Foreune to frown.  Fortunatus. 
I see full well the Fox will eat no Grapes because he cannot reach them, so thou mislykest honour and dignity, because thou canst not attain unto it, which I have in thy former words observed, when thou saidest that thou were a suitor in vain unto Lady Fortune, and in good sooth, I do partly remember thee since that time, as 
A better ●…de to be applied.  well by thy face, as also by thy bald thread bore robes, as though thy Wardrobe were in the Castle of rags: but if thou wilt apply thyself to the noble Science of Adulation, thou mayst soon come to good prefermente, and set forth thyself after a more brave and costly fashion.  Author. 
Sir, if there be no mean to attain unto bravery without the exercise of knavery (for I accounted flattery no better) I will rather content myself to live beggarly. 
A thief is almost as ill as a usurer.  And as for your bravery and such as you are, it is maintained with double Thievery, which is almost as ill as usury, for I may well join them both together. I heard one say of late, that all worn in the Court, is not paid in the City, but let the Merchant look to that, and as for the poor Husbandman who toileth for the living not 
Note this point.  only of himself and his own family, but also of the come mon wealth, findeth the cost of your bravery in his fines and rents, but the best is, where as he was wont to ingurgitace himself in your kitchen, by surfeiture, now he is moderated, and may return from thence with a good appetite, for your Beef is on your back, and the rest of your wonted victuals converted by strange Metamorphosis into Breeches, and bravery. But as for my Mistress your wife, I will not say she weareth in her Kirtle the poor man's Ox, nor in her Velvet gown the Bankrowtes stock. If these be the fruits of flattery, for 
Vincit veritas.  God's sake, sir, learn some new trade of fresher fashion, and study the art of Truth, which God will prospero: for Truth in the end shall prevail, and so shall God bless your store and increase, both in the field, and in the Kitchen, in the House and in the Barn, when bravery shallbe turned to beggary, and beauty to baldness. And as touching your politic practice at your first entry into Fortune's Court, I say no more, but wish that as many as 
All is well that endowell.  love flatterers tales had Midas ears. Wherefore, gentle Master Philodoxus, I bid you adieu, with this Motion, or Caveat: Respice finem.   

❧ The fifth Dialogue, between Pierce Pickthank, drunken Dickon. Dame Annat the Alewife, and the Author.  Dickon. 
Now fill the pot Ostesse, with liquor of life,  
In steed of your payment, fair words shallbe rife.  Annat. 
Fair words makes fools fain, the old Proverb doth say,  
Such guests are best welcome when they go away.  PIerce Pickthank. 
In faith Dickon, this goeth very hard that we have racked and cracked our credit so long▪ until it is not worth one pot of Ale, and my throat is so dry, that a man may grate ginger on my tongue.  Dickon. 
Well Pierce, as hard as the world goes, I trow we shall find some shift or other to quench the scorching heat of our parched throats, with the best Nippitatum in this town, which is commonly called Hufcap, it will make a man look as though ●…ee had seen the Devil, and quickly move him to call his own Father hoareson.  Pierce. 
This thy description of Dagger Ale, augmenteth my thirst until I taste thereof, wherefore I pray thee make haste to flatter my Ostesse in the best manner thou canst, and yet I dare i●…opard my Cap to forty shillings, thou shalt have but a cold suit.  Dickon. 
I assure thee Pierce, our Ostesse Dame Anne●… is as friendly a wench as any is in this land, and she loveth a good fellow very well, and hath holpen many a one in her days, that otherwise would have done full ill. I would all women were of her nature and conditions, for ●…hee is both honest and liberal with great discretion.  Annat. 
Go●… to you drunken knave, that flattering face of thine shall cost me a glass of dissembling water. 
Take heed 〈◊〉 your oath.   Dickon. 
What Ostes, did you hear me? now I swear by my honesty I thought you had been farther of. But my good sweet Ostes I pray you keep in store your dissembling water for P. the Promoter, and C. the Counterfeit, with M. the Makeshift, and other of your dainty guests, for I poor Dickon will thank you more for one pot of Ale of the right stamp, then for twenty your glasses of water.  Annat. 
I see well Dickon thou art a good Ale orator, but I cannot pay the brewer with fair words, and that thou knowest.  Pierce. 
Truly Ostes, I was doubtful at my first coming in, to call you by the name of Ostesse, for I rather 
A shift t●… win some simple women.  supposed you to have been one of the maidens of the house, you look so young and smooth.  Annat. 
Well honest man I will take your word for two or three pots of drink. But as for Dickon, I am to well acquainted with his conditions to give him any credit.  Pierce. 
How sayst thou Dickon to this? whether of us two are better worthy of commendations for the Art of Flattery.  Dickon. 
Truly Pierce, I perceive that thou hast a very good dexterity in pleasing the humours of women, 
Some wom●… love to be counted young.  whose natures I see, are most affected with hearing commendations of their youth, beauty & comely feature, with other the like, in which subtleties it appeareth thou haste perfect experience.  Pierce. 
Yea Dickon, thou and I are apt Scholars in the eight liberal Science. And if there be any Painter disposed to make a perfect protraiture of two slatteringe knaves, he shall not need to seek any further for his pattern then to us.  Dickon. 
In deed as thou sayest, but the best Artisan in Europe cannot depaint thee in thy right kind better than myself can, but I will omit the description of thy lineaments, and display thy conditions.  
And to begin withal, thou art an egregious flatterer, a deep dissembler, a singular good bawd, a plain counterfeit, 
The perfect blasoning of a knau●… in grain.  an archerakehell, a natural varlet, a knave incarnate, and to conclude, a passing pickthank. Thou hast two faces under one bood, two hearts in one body, two tongues in one head, and finally in all knavery thou art incomparable and this is the right imblasure of thy conditions.  Pierce. 
Certes Dickon, thou makest me right proud of my excellency in these commendable qualities. Wherefore to requited thy courtesy, I will fulfil the old proverb. Muli mutuum scabiunt, and I will show thee as in a glass 
A description of a proper man.  both thy proportion and thy laudable conditions. And first I will begin at the crown of thy head, which is so comely knavebalde as the like is hard to be found whereunto is joined a beautiful brow, much like unto the forehead of a fair Cow, very well adorned with Ox feathers of the right stamp, and a little beneath that there sitteth as it were in a chair of estate, and most rich precious and glorious nose tipped with a great bottle of brazile, garnished with Rubies, sapphires, and Crincums', beautified with orient colours much like unto Scarlet or Crimson Velvet, indented with moth-eaten maladies, which beautiful member of thine is circumvented with a flushing f●…ery face, whereat a man may warm his hands in the cold winter, and light a candle at any time, with many other commodities contained in that good face of thine, and therewithal hath fixed thereon a terrible Tartarian beard, a notable harbour for the Crablouse. And to make speedy dispatch of the rest, thou art whole chested in the breast like an Owl, an excellent back to carry my Lord's Ape, a grand liricumpanch like a Mare with foal, a bounsinge buttock of a Cart load, a pair of left legs with the thighs downward, and a goodly splay foot just the length of the ●…ouens last. And now to thy properties thy use is to counterfeit thyself to be a mad merry companion, and wilt not blush to place thyself in every man's company, and taste of every man's pot. And if thou perceivest 
Goodly c●…ndiciōs I warrant you.  the company to be delighted with thy jests, than art thou in thy ruff, but if they be so wise as to mislike of thy sauciness, than thou hast this subtle shift, with old drunken Latin, which I have often times hard thee pronounce. 
Potus lusorum meretrices Prespiterorum  
Panis perfesus, cunctorum spectat ad usus.  Also thou canst prate like a pardoner, and for thy facility in lying, thou art worthy to wear a whetstone in thy hat in steed of a brooch. Lo now have I played the painter, by drawing thy picture in their right colours.  Dickon. 
Well Pierce, let us now leave our painting and fall to drinking, for when I have well swill my soul, then am I a mate for all companies & a Master of our art.  Pierce. 
Thy counsel is good, wherefore let us toss the Can to & fro, with hay jolly jenkin I see a knave a drinking. etc.  Author. 
Although (gentle Reader) I may seem perhaps to offend thy modesty with this drunken Dialogue, yet I pray thee let me be rather excused, because I serve not much herein from the vain of Erasmus of Rotrodame, (although far beneath any comparison unto him) who used to place pleasant pamphletes in the midst of serious, and grave matters, as well for the recreation of his reader, as also to display and thereby to taunt the follies and trifling fantasies of all sorts of people. And now that these drunken drudges, that glory so much in their iniquity are busy in their bibbing, I will play the painters part indifferently for them both, desiring thee that I may herein use thy Patience. The one of them namely drunken Dickon, (under whom I comprehend all manner of Roisters, rakehells, 
Such impudent cou●… fait●…s are to well used a●… many me●… Tables.  and drunkards) is a saucy and malapert varlet, who useth very broad jesting, as well with men of honour as with meaner sort, whom they term a mad merry knave. He taketh all flouts and bobs in good part, ●…y means whereof he bobbeth many others. Among the company of lusty swearers, he will out swear them all. And sometimes he will put on the habit of a fool, in which garment he is received in, when wiser & honester men are put back, & because he noteth that wise men take sport to see fools in a rage, he will counterfeit himself to be in a mad mood, when he is nothing at all angry, he is a common cozener, and a subtle shifter, the circumstances of which mischievous practices, I will hereafter note in my second part, and these are the branches of his Adulation that bringeth forth most bitter fruit, of which kind of dissemblers, let as many beware, as either fear God or regard their own profit. Now as touching 
A religious dissembler.  the other, (namely) Pierce Pickthank, his condition is to cloak his hollow heart, with a holy pretence, and his dissimulation is chiefly in matters of Religion, although in very deed, there is in him no more sincerity then in an Ape. He will come sometimes unto a Bishop, and sometimes to others that he thinketh to be zealous in Religion and hath under his arm a new Testament, or a Psalter, as though his special care, and only study were in the Scriptures, under which pretext he beguileth both the wise and the learned. He will in their presence temper 
Such knaves would be better h●…owē.  his talk with such a show of godliness, as though he were rapt up into the third Heaven. He is a Saint outwardly and a Devil inwardly. And he will seem to be greatly grieved in conscience, that papistry should bear such sway in men's hearts, and that such papists (naming this man or that) are not straightly seen unto and sharply punished, and will pray God to preserve such good men as they are, unto whom he talketh, as by whom Gods true religion is advanced and error suppressed etc. With these and the like practices he winneth favour and benevolence among the Protestants.  
Then he hath an old Portas, or some such book in store, and therewith he cometh unto them that he knoweth to be of the old stamp, and frameth his tale to this effect.  
A good sir (saith he) the great anguish that I bear in my conscience, enforceth me to seek for the setlinge and satisfaction of the same at your hands or some such godly learned man, as I know to be of upright judgement in the Scriptures, the true interpretation whereof hath been wrested and perverted by the professors of this new Religion. I see and am sorry to think unto what penury the world is brought since the overthrow of Abbeys, to the great impoverishment of this Realm, and what a sort of skipiackes are now crept into the places of ancient and grave Fathers, by whom the holy Sacraments are nothing at all Sacramentally used, contrary to the institutions of the Catholic Church of Rome, our holy Mother. With these and the like words, he is a deep dissembler in Religion. And also to pick thanks and profit at all men's hands, he can frame himself to feed all men's humours, so cunning is he in this filthy Art of Flattery, from which kind of dissemblers, and all others, God shield us, and send us his grace, that we may embrace the honest and godly retinue of Lady Truth, and shake of all such flatterers and dissemblers, as have hitherunto perverted the natures of men in these our days.   

❧ The sixth Dialogue, between Diogenes, and Ulpianus. Wherein is expressed under the person of the Author, the simplicity of such as think the Court to prefer all that flock unto it, which after experience had thereof, is found an unfit place for simple persons of gross education.  Diogenes. 
WH●…t new delight hath rapt thy mind: my tumbling tub to shun  
H●…th fronticke folly wove the web that foolish fancy spun?  
Doth careful Court accoy thy mind where dangers daily devil  
To loath the fleldish quiet life that whilom lykt thee well? 
Diogenes was an old Cou●…tier.   
Express therefore the cause to me whom friendship drives to doubt  
Lest thou be causer of thy woe by seeking Fortune out.  
Whose coy conceits I saw full well while I in Court abode  
Whereby my old delight renewed to live in fields abroad.  
When Alexander mighty king, in Macedon did rain  
He won me to Dame Fortune's Court by lure of pleasant train  
Where I might view the vain delights that vaded every day  
I saw and smiled how some still gaped for gain of golden prey.  
Which was in deed a harmful hook, with pleasant poisoned bait:  
For being had spite spurned a pace, on his downfall to wait.  
On favour alway did attend with feigned friendly face  
The flatterer with cap and knee to sue for Fortune's grace.  
But secret spite stood still aloof, to hatch his hateful broo●…,  
And open malice kept a coil, with mad and raging mood. 
Envy pursueth promotion.   
These and a thousand troubles more in Fortune's Court I viewed  
I lothde to drink those pleasant dregs that danger daily brewed.  
At last as I lay on my Couch a silly mouse I saw  
That crept out of her homely nest to feed her hungry maw.  
And having fed, thee turned again with well contented mind  
Which lesson was a lore to me, from courtlyke state to wind.  
Then to my Tub I turn again, where I am lord and King,  
A Castle m●…te for such a Prince whereto I closely cling.  
My homely house no eye sore is, my lands none doth desire 
Diogenes used a Tub in steed of his house.   
My fall no man seeks for my wealth I hang not by the bri●…r.  
And thus I dare be bold to speak, as truth shall offer cause:  
And yet I live in safeties seat free from the tyrant's jaws.  
Wherefore friend Fulwell leave thy g●…d and live with me in rest:  
Not life is like a quiet heart lodged in contented breast.  
Not new delight of courtly joys hath drawn me from thy love,  Vlp●…. 
Ne sugared band of Fortune's toys may once my mind remove:  
To learn experience was the cause that I from thee did wend,  
Skill is a pool that's bottomless, and Wisdom hath no end.  
Insatiable knowledge is a burning quenchless fire:  
The more experience gives me drink the more I still desire, 
Knowledge is unsacrable.   
How oft hast thou with scornful tongue, Dame Fortune's name expressed:  
Which made me long to see the wight, whom thou dost so detest.  
That I might say by sight of eye, as eke by hearsays talk,  
That Fortune is a v●…nge flower, a withered fruitless stalk.  
This, this I say sent me to Court where I might see and learn,  
To know the dusty, chaff from corn, and good from ill discern.  
There saw I wonders very strange, that asketh time to tell,  
They think there is no other Heaven that aye hath been in Hell.  
When thou an I in whelmed Tub, from storms in covert lay.  
I thought no harbour like to that, for night and rainy day.  
Our roots me se●…de was sweet repast, and junkets passing ●…ne:  
For hunger is a noble sauce, and thirst makes water wine:  
A wooden dish is worthy plate, where metals are unknown:  
In steed of goblet, nature gave us hands that are our own.  
But when I came to courtly train, than might my eyes behold:  
Such buildings brave, such costly robes, such plate of glittering gold ●…er,  
Such gems and jewels of great price, such fashions of attire:  
Such flaunting Dames whose beauty brave, would kindle Cupid's  
Such justling to bear swing and sway, such climbing to the top, 
Note.   
And some I saw did reap the corn, that never sowed the crop.  Diogenes. 
And might not these inflame thy mind, in courty troop to stay?  Vlpianus. 
Not not, but lend thy ears a while and so shall I display.  
The cause that, I am far unfit, to serve in Fortune's train:  
Whereby my fates enforceth me to clownish flelde again.  
As kind forbids the Lark to swim, and fish to fly in air:  
So I in Court devoid of hope, may live in deep despair.  
When first I came to Fortune's Court, with hope of happy speed;  
I saw the fruit like Tantalus, but might not thereon feed. 
A hungry plague to see ●…ate and drink & yet to starve.   
I smelled the roast, but felt no taste, my hunger to augment:  
I might behold the fragrant Wines, and follow by the scent.  
I saw the ladies gallant gowns with many a guard and dente,  
And Courtiers for their Lady's sakes in costly colours went,  
The fashion of my thread bore robes, no Courtier did desire:  
But each one said a ragged Colt may serve a scabbed squire.  
And thus I killed a Courtier then for courting any more:  
I saw the snare and scaped the train, and having learned this lore,  
I can exhort my compires now, that are for Court unapt,  
To leave the life that's linked in care, with troubles daily wrapped.  Diogenes. 
Then show I pray the what thou sawest, and what thou didst observe:  
'tis long s●…nce I of Court had view, and courtly fashions swerver,  
Declare to me how lusty lads Dame Fortune's grace doth win:  
Prepare thy tongue, my ears are bend to hear thy tale begin.  Vlpianus. 
To show of Robes the sundry suits and fashions very strange:  
Would be to tedious to describe for why they daily change.  
And what was used but last year past, is now so old and stolen:  
That country clowns do buy them now in Court they have no sale.  
And that which now in Court is worn, grows daily out of ure: 
A merry world for Tailors.   
The Tailor that can make new guise, of currant coin is sure,  
But this I chiefly did observe, Frenchmen have framed such tools  
That now french Nets are cast on necks to catch up English fools.  
But let it pass I spurn it not, let each one use their vain:  
These vanities I will omit, and turn my tale again. 
French Nets are to catch English fools.   
Unto the wonders that I saw, by practice put in use:  
But first to honest Courtiers I will frame my just excuse.  
Whom I do not in any point mean to offend at all:  
Though galbackt Bayard winch when he is rubbed on the gall,  
I saw where Aristippus stood, fast by a Lordings side:  
Who in his taunting tatlinge ●…onge reposed a jolly pride. 
Aristippus was a good Courtier.   
He finely framed his fyled talk, the hearers to delight  
Smooth words I see doth ●…eare great sway and are of much might.  
Each man salutes him by his name, and he doth them embrace:  
Words are good cheap, and 'tis small cost to show a friendly face,  
●…s new found science in the Court, did truth of times betray:  
And who but Aristippians might bear the bell away.  
At last he me espied by chance, and thus to me 'gan say:  
What? old acquaintance? what affairs hath the to court now brought  
What wind drive thee? and what's the cause? that thou the court hast sought 
Some men call this, holy water of the Court.   
If any thing in me doth rest, that may thy fancy feed:  
Express thy mind, ask and receive, but speak and thou shalt speed,  
I gave him thanks, but yet I thought these go●…dly golden words  
Would prove but wind of slender weight, & bushes void of burds:  
I called to mind an old said saw, which I have not forgot:  
'tis wisdom to take time in time, and strike while thyron is wh●…t.  
When Pig is proffered, ope the poke, my Nurse taught me that trick:  
My poke was open by and by, my hammer was very quick.  
Fair sir (quoth I) your friendly words emboldeneth me to crave  
That I (through you) in Fortune's court some simple place may have.  
Small entertainment serves my turn, so it be aught at all:  
Poor men are pleased with Pottage ay, till better victuals fall,  
And you that erst was as I am, s●…t now in Fortune's lap:  
Make friends of Fortune while you may: men say she hath a trap,  
Wherein her darlings often times falls, when frowning cheer begins, 
Fortune's gifts ●…b 〈◊〉 ●…low.   
First point of hawking is hold fast, he laughs they say that wins,  
Tush tush (quoth he) thou witless wight, thou spendest wind in waste:  
First learn the skill to flatter fine, and then thou mayst be placed.  
Diogenes that doting drudge hath drawn thee to his school,  
His preignant wit is ill applied, he proves himself a fool.  
He calls me Dionysius dog, for fawning flattery fine,  
But he like dog doth snar and grin at this wise trade of mine.  
If ●…ee would turn his taunts and quips, to pleasant merry jest,  
He might in favours grace remain, and flaunt it with the best.  
So thou that yet hast not shaked of, that sottish kind of skill:  
Must smooth thy tongue, and oil thy words, and finely ●…le thy quill  
Then come to Court, and I protest thou shalt have my good william.  
Ah s●…r (quoth I) I see right well my suit grows very cold,  
All promises are not performed, all glistering is not gold.  
And words of course have course effect, experience teacheth so:  
Deeds sink, and lie at lowest ebb, while golden words do slow.  
And s●…th no mean but flattery may save me from Fortune's scorns: 
As good 〈◊〉 foe ehat hurteth not, 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 s●…ende that helpeth not.   
I list not seek a pleasant rose, among so many thorns.  
As good such friends were lost as found that helpeth not at need:  
Of thousand losses 'tis the lest, thus we were soon a greed.  Diogene●…. 
Ah s●…r, and sawest thou Aristip, that spaniel of curs kind?  
Who hunts each haunt where gayn●… doth grow and turneth with the wind  
A smelfeast Gnato for his gut to ●…ouch each Thraso●… brag:  
Whose words are free to promise' much, but bound up in his bag:  
His ●…lthy ●…oule Philosophy more friendship hath obtained,  
Then truthfull tongue and trusty heart that never was distained.  
Much like the false and wily Fox, that whilom hath espied  
A Raven with her pray in mouth, whereat the Fox envied.  
And cast within his crafty mind, how he might her beguile: 
The Fox's flattering Oration to the Raven.   
From top of tree where Raven s●…te, at last he framed this wile.  
O noble bird whose heavenly hue, with joyful eyes I see:  
And muse that fame hath forged such tales, and foul untruths of thee:  
For flying fame, nay, lying fame, reports thee to be black:  
But sure I see thy stately corpses, no beauty brave doth lack.  
The lofty oak thou mak'st thy pertch, the haughty tower thy seat:  
Thy mighty wings with princely pomp, the fleggy air doth beat.  
Thy port doth pass the eagle's looks, I know full well thy kind:  
Thy race is sure heroical, thou art of noble mind. 
A good O●…ator.   
And if thy song be like thy shape, the beasts would sure rejoice:  
To see that comely corpses of thine, and hear so sweet a voice.  
The Raven then puffed up with pride, her praises to augment:  
Began to sing, the prey fell down, the Fox had his intent,  
And laughed to scorn the foolish bird, that thought herself so brave:  
Even so plays flatterers when they catch the thing that they would have  
But now proceed, what sawest thou else, it is no new found cast:  
'tis common now for fools to feed, when wiser men do fast.  Vlpianus. 
If I should show what sleights I saw, dame Fortune's grace to gain,  
Would try my wits and, me procure, displeasure for my pain.  Diogenes 
Hast thou such fear of Fortune's frowns or of her whirling wheel?  
Who since thou were three horseloves high haste tumbled at her heel?  
Dread not at all except thou mean, to learn her fawning skill:  
Whose flattering cup is 〈◊〉 with wine that thirst enforceth still.  Vlpi●…nus. 
Nay, nay, 'tis time that we go in, to take some small repast  
My limbs wax weak, my tongue is faint, Pigs are content with mast,  
The Courtly fare hath fed my eyes, but belly had no share:  
Nothing at all no savour hath, nothing is homely fare:  
I know thy stor●…house is not void, of roots or some such dish.  
Sharp hunger is a noble sauce, for roots, for flesh or fish.  Diogenes. 
Yet tell I pray thee, foundst thou not one faithful friend at all:  
Whereby some hope of better hap in time to thee might fall.  
Ill is his chance, worse is that place where fre●…ndship no●… is fo●….  Vlpianus. 
Yes verily one friend I had to whom I am much bound.  ●…iogenes. 
But was he of ability, by Fortune's sawning grace?  Vlpianus. 
Dame virtue gave him worship's seat, in spite of Fortune's face.  Diogenes. 
Fain would I know that friendly wight. I ●…onge to hear his name.  Vlpianus. 
Some men would deem I flatter him, if I should writ his fame.  Diogenes. 
Truth may be blamed but never shamed, Truth needs not fear her f●…  
In truthfull praise a man may speak. Truth needs no glozing sho.  
A lying flatterer aye is forced his forged tale to hide,  
With cloak of feigned eloquence, for fear he be espied.  
But why shouldest thou refrain to speak: the truth that thou haste tried.  
Wherefore thou mayst impart to me his name and worthiness:  Vlpian●…. 
Then mark my words, and covertly thesame I will express.  

Ernest he is in zeal of sacred truth,  
Debonair eke, and friend to every wight: 
A faithful friend to th●… Author.   
Modest and meek, a father unto youth,  
Virtue to further is his whole delight.  
No niggard of the wealth that God him sent,  
Despising pride, and with his state content.   

His heart doth harbour gifts of heavenly grace,  
Among the poor a patron of defence:  
Right lovingly doth learned wights embrace,  
Makes small account of current quoyned pence.  
A patient man in suffering any wrong,  
Not rendering ill again in deed nor tongue:   Dioge●…. 
Full well I now perceive his name, and have observed his praise:  
Such friends in whom such virtues are be rare in th●…se our days.   

❧ The seventh Dialogue, between Tom Tapster, Miles makeshift, Wat Wily, and the Author.  Tom Tapster. 
You are welcome gentlemen will it please you to go near.  Author. 
Such welcome I like not that bought is to dear.  MIles Make shift. 
Sir I perceive right well that you have been accustomed with the flattering entertainment of Tapsters, unto whom a man's purse is always better welcome than his person.  Wat Wily. 
In good sooth Tapster, if thou knewest how weak our purses are, thou wouldst give us but feeble entertainment.  Tom Tapster. 
I see you are merry gentlemen and disposed to jest, but if it be as you say, you shall (notwithstanding) have so much credit at my hands as your dinner and horse meat amounteth unto, for you seem to be honest Gentlemen.  Miles make shift. 
Of our honesty we will make no great vaunts, but that we are Gentlemen, and clean gentlemen, we will not deny, for I suppose we three cannot make a stock of two pence. But I pray thee whereby dost thou deem us to be Gentlemen.  Tom Tapster. 
Sir it is a gentle Tapster's courtesy, generally to salute all men by that title, which lesson I 
The tapster's courtesy.  first learned in the School of Adulation, in which Art I have so profited that I am now a public reader thereof, and by my absolute knowledge herein, I can both prove 
A good guest 〈◊〉 you.  you a gentleman, and also emblaze your arms.  Wat Wily. 
Thou art a gentleman like Tapster.  Miles make shift. 
I warrant you he was never begotten without the consent of a Gentleman.  
But Tapster, set forwards our dinner, and if we lack money, I will promise' thee by the faith of a Gentleman, to pay thee when I come hither next.  Tom Tapster. 
I take your word, you shall lack no good cheer. Exit.  Author. 
Lo here is cretensis cum cretense, a cogginge knave with a foystinge varlet well met: he with his herhaltry and you with your hemphaltry, I trust anon will make a good medley.  Wat Wily. 
Hold thee content fond fellow, and give us leave, and so shall thy charges be borne, for thou hast often heard say, that Fallere fallentum non est frans to deceive a deceiver is no deceit. And he that with his flattery deceiveth a thousand in a year, is now like to be mated with his matches, hold thou thy tongue and observe the event.  
No more words, for now he cometh in.  Tom Tapster. 
Gentlemen, I pray you have patience yet a little while, and it will not be long until your dinner be ready.  Wat Wily. 
No haste but good, better is a little tarriance 
Tapster's ar●… masters o●… news.  than a raw dinner. But in the mean season I pray thee tell us what news is now stirring.  Tom Tapster. 
I have in my taphouse both stolen and fresh news: yea, & if need require, I have there a stamp to coin news at all times.  Miles make shift. 
I pray thee tell us new news and true news.  Tom Tapster. 
sithence you are so greedy of news I will tell you such as will seem wonderful, and incredible. First I give you to weet, that there is between Sir Morpheus and me, very great and familiar acquaintance, by means whereof, we confer together sometimes 
Tom Tapste●… dream.  at noon, as well as at midnight, and being this last night passed in a devont dream, he led me up by the hand into a pleasant Paradise, where I might behold wonderful visions: first I saw how jupiter sat in his Throne of Majesty calling all the other Gods to account of their offices and ministries, before whose royal seat, the petty Gods and Goddesses endeavoured with all diligence to cury favour by sundry strange and unaccustomed sleights: the terrible and wreckful God Mars, whose heart was whilom bent●… altogether to conquer whole Monarchies and Empires, as an infest enemy unto peace and tranquillity, hath now set aside his warlike instruments, and is become a suitor to jove, to live at ease, preferring quiet before conquest, and gold before glory, he hath shaken of his harness, and taken into his arms in stead of armour, the beautiful Lady Venus, whereat the cunning Smith Vulcan taking indignation (by his exquisite skill) enclosed them together in a net of wire, for the which, this noble craftsman was had in great admiration among the Gods, and well commended of jupiter himself. And when Vulcan had played this pleasant Pageant, in came Apollo (as it were upon the Stage) to solace jove with some kind of Adulation, whereby I see full well that my science is practised even among the Gods. Then came in Sir Cupid like a carpet knight, and with smiling countenance and smooth words, alured Apollo to resign the Sceptre of his prudence and his learned laurel crown unto jove, whereby to discharge himself of a great burden, and also to please jupiter with his excellent skill of Music, unto which fond request Apollo eftsoons applied, to his perpetual obloqui. Howbeit his incomparable harmony found such favour with the father of the Gods & the rest, that his change chanced to the multiplication of his gain, though to the diminution of his credit. Thus Apollo become a Minstrel, and many of the rest danced after his Pipe. Then came in Mercurius in the habit of a travailer, and he told unto 
He that hath trau●…yled so 〈◊〉 as none, so far as h●…e may ly●…by authority.  jove wonderful news and monstrous lies, namely English lies, French lies, Spanish, Dutch, Italian, Irish, Welsh, Roman, Polonian, Muscovian, Babylonian, and Turkish lies. And to conclude, he could set out all manner of lies, with all manner of colours. But it is a world to see how acceptably his news were received, and to consider how the ears of Gods are delighted with vain fables, and forged fantasies. But here began the sport: There stood a far of, a simple sot named V F. and when he saw how Mercury was favoured for his Fables, and commended for his cogging: persuaded himself, that he by speaking the truth should be right well regarded. And even on the sudden rushed into the place, as though his quill was then to speak, with malapert and savey boldness, uttered these words following.  

O mighty jove sith licence thine to speak is now assigned,  
And pardon free proclaimed, give leave for me to speak my mind.  
fools bolts (men say) are soon shot yet oft they hit the mark:  
Blind Bayard is as sure of foot as Palfrey in the dark.  
On Stage who stands to play his part each frown may not him daunt  
Some play to please, some laugh, some weep, some flatter, some do ta●…t  
But he whose part tends to this end, fond fancies toys to school  
Best welcome is when he resines, the Scaffold to the fool.  
Lo now the fool is come in place, though not with patched pied co●…te,  
To tell such news as carst he saw within Cocklorels boat.  
The Rowers cried, to Barge to Barge, the passengers make haste:  
The tide is iurnde, and every fool in his degree is placed.  
With lusty jail and labouring Oars the B●…rge hath won the port  
Where jupiter doth reign and rule, within a stately Fort,  
Each one devised which way were best in favours grace to grow:  
Some crack, some brag, some flaunt it out, some crouch and creep full low  
With cap and knee some sue & serve, some gape for others ●…alles  
Some snatch the fruit before rebound, some gnaw on tastlesse shalles. grope  
Some fish and catch a Frog at last yet feed on better hope:  
Some sting their hands with nettles keen, while they for flowers  
Some sing some dance, some ●…ype, some pl●…y, & all for favours grace:  
Thus greedy gayn●… makes men believe, they run in endless race.  
What desperate hazard is so hard, that makes the younker doubt,  
What way so wild where gain doth grow, that worldling finds not out  
What hole so small in wri●…ings o●…e, that cannot be now found:  
But lucre & large conscience makes some holes where words be found  
Ah, Conscience is a banished wight, with garment ●…l to torn?  
But though she sit in homely ●…agges, she laughs some robes to scorn  
She●… saul's at tyraniss that ●…oyle to make their will 〈◊〉 law:  
Whose ●…ing minds by right or wrong, would hold all men in awe.  
Refusing same and 〈◊〉 shame, by hunting Mammon's chase:  
A ●…g (say th●…) for good report, let me have Fortune's grace.  
O jove, a●…e th●…se things h●…d from thee, nay, nay, thou seest them all:  
But win●…ing wisdom is not blind to t●…rne the tossed ball.  
Thou seest that sundry sorts of ●…n, by flattery do aspire:  
To guerdon great, when trusty truth, hath hatred for her hire,  
Thou seest I know the subtle sleights that worldly wights devise:  
Who currieth favour currently, is only counted wise.  
Alas how is Religion used to serve the turn at need:  
Whose cloak hides sundry hypocrites that many errors breed?  
For why 〈◊〉 now a common trade, when refuge all is past:  
To take Religion for a shield, a shift to serve at last.  
O jove if thou wilt ransack some that vaunt of her decrees  
They will appear but flauntinge leaves of withered fruitless trees.  
To flatter Princes many men, apply them to the time:  
They force no whit Religions fall, so they aloft may climb.  
Now mighty jove, look well about all things are in thy sight:  
The Touchstone tries, all is not gold, that glistereth fair & bright:  
Lo, thus I have expressed my mind, and showed forth my intent.  
My part is played, and I am pla●…de so that I be not shent.   Miles make shift. 
Marry sir this was a very saucy and presumptuous fool, for not only his boldness in pressing himself to that place was worthy of reproach: but the subtlety of his Metaphorical Phrases deserved just punishment.  Wat Wily. 
Thus we may see what madness it is to permit fools freely to speak their minds but much more to suborn them in their taunting talkative veins, whose tongues are always bent to shoot their doltish bolts at other men's vices; and yet see not their own follies, but I hope to see the day that such cocscomes shallbe restrained, for they are infested enemies unto the noble faculty of Flattery.  Tom Tapster. 
verily, if you had heard his words, and beheld his gestures, you would have wondered at his impudence, for besides that his speech, which I have recited unto you, he railed and raged at the egregious flattery used among the Gods and in jupiter's Court, not sparing any state or degree.  Miles make shift. 
Well, well, gentle Tapster, let us now leave to talk any more of that daw and of his doctrine, and supply the time with more necessary matter, wherefore sithe●…s thou art a public reader in the science of Adulation, I pray thee read a Lecture of that art for our instruction.  Tom Tapster. 
I grant your request, and for the better explication and understanding of the matter, you must imagine yourself to be the Lord, unto whom I read this Lecture.  Miles make shift. 
Be it as thou hast said, now show forth thy learning to me thy Lord and Master.  Tom Tapsters Lecture. 
AS flying fame with golden trump, hath sent thy brute abroad:  
So bounden duty by deserts bids me my mind unload.  
Thy haughty port, thy heavenly gifts, thy line of noble race:  
Thy passing praise, thy happy state, makes all men joy thy case.  
As one who for his countries wealth, by fate was first ordained:  
O happy soil whose lucky lot so rare a gem hath gained.  
But whether are our joys more great, in having such a wight:  
Or else our grief when sisters three, shall work their ireful spite.  
And as both Heaven and earth are bend thy honour to procure,  
So prudence thine (O noble Lord) must 'cause thesame endure:  
But by thy leave (O master mine,) I see and sigh withal:  
That bounty should bear such asway, as to procure thy fall.  
For thou (my Lord) with princely pomp thy table dost maintain,  
A friend to all save to thyself, but how may this remain.  
Thy purse is open to the poor, their naked limbs to cloak:  
Like Lords thy tenants live at ease free from all servile yoke.  
If in the end thy state decay, each man bewails the case,  
Take time, in time, so fearless thou mayst spit in Fortune's face,  
And to begin, first cut thy troop, and train of serving men,  
Where two or three may serve the turn, what shouldst thou do with tent  
But ten times ten on you depend and by your purse maintained:  
Leave of my Lord, as good as you that pomp hath now refraind.  
Employ the Court with diligence in presence of the Prince:  
Whence profit grows, & favour springs though mumbling lobcock wince.  
Break up housekeeping & your troop, give pasportes to your train  
In Court two waiters and a Page will serve while you remain.  
Again in Court such cheats do chance as causeth gain to grow:  
What need I name the order how sith you yourself do know,  
If need require that you appear in presence of the king:  
when as it shall expected be, that you a train must bring.  
Your tenants are good handsome hines, when badged blue coats o●….  
So may you muster lustily with Simkin, Hob and john  
And he poor swad, will willingly, on cote bestow the cost: 
A warm 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 you   
His best ca●…t horse will make good shift, to ride with you in post.  
And were not these things better saved, then prodigally spent  
Though you spend all, yet clownish crew, will never be content:  
And when continuance in the Court do breed destre of change.  
With Hawks and Spaniels than you may about the country range.  
Now here, now there, among your friends how will you entertain:  
Plain country houses sometimes hath in store, so that you bring no train:  
Mas p●…rson sometimes serves, a Capon or some such:  
Pinch on the parson's side my Lord, the whoresons have to much. 
The Devil sendeth such counsaylor●….   
And when you list to lie at ease, go to some proper town:  
So shall you not be charged often to feed Simswad the clown.  
Your stable then your own turn serves, your stable may be small,  
Few dishes fraught with little meat, to fill thee bo●…rde withal  
I trow your tenants will provide, both Capon, Pig, and goose:  
Bear them in hand their copies nought and that the lease is lose.  
So shall you have provision brought, to serve you all the year.  
Yea sir, let tenants look to that for markets now be dear.  
And though your noble ancestors were clean void of the skill:  
That doth belong to husbandry, the greedy barn to fill.  
Yet shun not you the trade to know, that yieldeth triple gain:  
Nothing seems hard to prudent men, where gain requites the pain.  
The more your knowledge doth excel the grater is your praise:  
Who knows of land to make the most, is wisest now adays.  
When grave and prudent men are set, at table to their meat:  
Their table talk tends to this end, of husbandry to treat.  
By means whereof no toiling Hine, that ploughs and tills the field●…  
Can better tell then noble men, what gain a plough will yield,  
What need the Grasler you beguile, in hyringe of your ground:  
When you yourself may plainly see what gain doth thence redound  
Why should the butcher gain the Hide, in dying of a bee●…e:  
This knowledge now in noble men doth choose the farmer's grief.  
Lea●…, learn (my Lord) of landlords now to let things to the best:  
'tis well when tenants crouch and creep, to ●…llthe landlords chest.  
Your shepherd is a subtle knave, and breeds himself a stock:  
By k●…ping many sheep●… of his among your Lordship's flock. 
The Tapster hath a ●…ge at C●…l men.   
A●…o you have the Pa●…adge and gift of goodly Tithes:  
〈◊〉 fair globe lands in harvest time, that tries the Mo●…rs ●…thes  
Which to bestow on pra●… priests, for te●…nge of a tale:  
Is madness mere, but rather you may set them out to sale.  
Sir Simon is a lusty ●…ad and hath good store of gold,  
But s●… a price and dou●… 〈◊〉 not the money is soon told.  
And if he think it very much, to give so large a fine:  
Then may you choose a simple sot? who easily will incline.  
To be your drudge at all assays? and feed among the s●…ine.  
Who will be glad with portion small although the fruits be 〈◊〉.  
Poor men with pottage are well pleased, such fellows will not gruic●….  
What though he be no Preacher sir, have you no care for that:  
He hath a pretty skill to dig and delve a garden plat.  
These precepts if your Lordship mark, and put thesame in ure:  
Then Fortune shall be at your beck and stoop unto your lure,  
Lo thus (my Lord) I make an end and wish you happy days.  
To bathe in bliss, to s●…im in joy, to win immortal praise.  Miles make shift 
O egregious Schoolmaster worthy of immortal praise, whose excellent cunning joined with 
Muli mu●…um 〈◊〉  singular eloquence, meriteth equality with Virgil and Homer, verily Master Tapster you are profoundly learned in this noble science of Adulation.  Wat Wily. 
I have heard many public readers in 
A song of three 〈◊〉 in one, where three flattering varl●… are s●…ly matched.  sundry faculties, but the like to him I never heard, for he showeth himself a perfect Rhetorician, his words are so cunningly couched that they import much matter in few words, every word hath his weight, each syllable his perfect sense, he is pithy without prolixity, short, and yet substantial. Finally, his words, his countenance, his sweet pronunciation, his comely gesture, with all his other actions, show forth a grace (in my judgement) incomparable, and therefore worthy of admiration. How think you friend Fulwell, let us hear your judgement.  Author. 
My judgement is thus, that for his excellency 
The 〈◊〉 judgement.  in his execrable Science, he shall be endued with a garland of Hemp, & shall take his degree of Poetry at the university of Tyburn, for his presence will become that place passing well. And because that lecture is very unprofitable where out no necessary notes may be gathered, I will show you what I have noted in the discourse of this Lecture. First that this fellow is to be reputed a Master or Captain Parasite, which kind of people are the pervertors of virtuous affections, and corrupters of noble na●…re, as by his detestable persuasions may appear. But let us see how these ungracious graffs were trod under foot (as pernicious branches, or rather rotten and stinking weeds) even among the Heathen wise men. Diogenes noting two of most noisome beasts of the world termeth a slanderer the worst of wild beasts, and of ●…ame beasts a flatterer. Also Plato accounteth him a friend in presence, and a foe in absence, whereof daily experience is a perfect witness. For as a flatterer will profess friendship to thee and thy friends, with like protestation of hatred towarde●… thy enemies, even so will he (for his bellies sake) use the like dissimulation with thy adversaries, and in the end bewray and betray you both, if any gain grow unto him thereby. Wherefore he is right ●…oosin to a dog, whose property is to fawn with his tail on all men that will reward him whether they be his masters friends or foes. But what need I stand upon the invectives of Philosophers against flatterers and flatterry, seeing the canonical books of the Bible are furnished with examples and documents, whereof I will of a multitude, set a few, for the further displaying and just detestation of that wicked Science, whereof Satan himself was the first Schoolmaster. Whereby I infer that the studientes, and practisioners thereof, are fit Scholars for such a Master.  
It appeareth that by the subtlety of this art, Doctor Devil 
Gen●…. 3.  deluded our first parents in Paradise, with his flattering promises of much more than he could perform, the effect whereof, the world feeleth, and shall do until the consummation thereof. And now let us see what manner of disciples this Doctor had, and for avoiding of tediousness, I will pretermit many examples of the old Testament, and come unto Christ his time  
Herode with flattering words of dissembled intent, persuaded the Magians to bring him news where he 
M●…h. 〈◊〉.  might find Christ and how his words agreed with his meaning, the text doth teach thee. In process of time 
〈…〉.  when Christ wrought wonders and miracles among the people, he was chiefly commended among them for filling their bellies in the w●…ldernesse, in which flock and multitude were many Pharasites and smelfeastes, that for their bellies sakes, would have proclaimed Christ to be 
john. 〈◊〉  their King, flattering him also with these words. This is of a truth, that Prophet that should come into the world. And yet the self same flattering varlets, when they saw no longer likelihood of good cheer, cried out on him Crucifige. The sect of flattering pharisees when they meant nothing less than truth, came unto Christ with these glozing words. Master we know that thou art true, and teachest the way of God truly. etc. But their wielfed intent 
Math. 2 〈◊〉.  was to entrap him with words of treason, whereby to condemn him, of whose pharaseicall conditions are our Masters of flattery, and thus let these few places serve for my first note. Secondly I have noted by his Lecture, the unconstant and fond affections of them that bend their ears to the sugared venom of flattery, whereby many do dishonour, disworship, and dishonest themselves by putting in ure such wicked attempts as this tapster hath persuaded. Thirdly I have noted in you two a plain protrayture of a brace of cogging knaves, from whom I will fly as from a Serpent, exhorting all my friends to do the same and so far you well.  

Fallere te nullus vult, qui tibi dura minatur  
Sed poti●…s ut caveas turbidus ille mone●…, 
Man●… 〈◊〉.   
Fallimur a placidis verbis, vultuque sereno,  
Cum sapido capimus, sepe venena scipo,    

❧ A▪ short Dialogue, between the Author and his book, wherein is showed sundry opinions that were uttered of the first Impression of this book, which the Author himself heard in Paul's Church yard. and else where.  Author. 

WHat loitering cause or lingering let,  
Hath held thee from my hands so long  
Or else hast thou such check mates met,  
As by some means hath done thee wrong  
Some news hath chanced, I know full well,  
If good or bad? I pray thee tell.   Book. 

Such news perhaps, I have to show,  
As uneath will thy mind content:  
If talk may make men's ears to glow,  
I muse if thine be not quite spent,  
A thousand tongues do speak of thee,  
Thou hast so fond framed me.   

This is a new found art, say they,  
picked out of late from idle brain:  
But some against those words inveigh,  
And say thou tookst an honest pain,  
By merry mean thus to detect:  
The folly of the flattering sect.   

Some like thy verse, but not thy proes,  
Some praise thy mind, but not thy skill:  
Some show themselves to be thy foes,  
By mocking thee, and eke thy quill,  
Some say thou hast a little wit,  
But dost apply thesame unfit.   

Some say that in times pas●…,  
In Flatteries School thou hast been trained:  
And yet to thrive foundst not the cast,  
For Fortune ay thy state disdained:  
And now thou tak'st as weapon strong,  
Thy pen for to avenge that wrong.   

And thus as I have ranged abroad,  
I hear the verdictes of them all:  
Some rage and rail, some lay on load.  
Belike they were rubbeth on the gall.  
Some smile to see so acquaint a toy,  
Some laugh right out, and some look coy▪   Author. 

Ah silly book, that thus hast passed,  
Amid thy friends, and through thy foes▪  
What writer ever found the cast,  
To please all men? none I suppose,  
For fancy comes to men by fits,  
So many heads, so many wits.   

Sigh sundry men in sundry wise,  
Do shoot their sentence at my name:  
Go tell them all, that I despise,  
The scoffs that taunting tongues do frame,  
Thy humble duty do express,  
To thy right noble patroness,   

Then reverently thyself submit,  
Unto the troop of learned train:  
As for fools bolts, that would thee hit,  
Thou shalt full well their shot sustain.  
And say to them, that thee do blame,  
My Author praise you mend the same.   

So shall you answer his desire,  
And have his thanks, a small reward,  
Else let your tongue from taunts retire,  
Ill tongues good matters, oft hath marred,  
A fault is sooner found, then mended,  
Few books by find fault is defended.   

Farewell my book, God be thy speed,  
I send thee forth to walk alone:  
In homely stile, a thread bore weed,  
For rob of Rhetoric I have none,  
My Waredrope hath no filled phrase,  
Whereon fine eyes delight to gaze.   
FINIS.   

The eight Dialogue, between Si●… Simon the Parson of Poll jobbam, and the Author.  Sir Simon. 
Who lives to learn, and learns to live  
And list to come to thirst,  
May see the skill, and find the way,  
By my new sounded shrift.  AVthour. 
If your shrift have such virtue as 〈◊〉 teach men thrift, I pray you Sir Simon take me under b●…edicitie, who never as yet could find the way to thrive, I think it be for want of absolution ab omne frugalitate.  Sir Simon. 
I neither use auri●…uler confession, nor any kind of absolution, but certain infallible precepts to be observed, by practice whereof, thrift is obtained.  Author. 
And yet (Sir Simon) if the common saying be 
The 〈◊〉 of paul 〈◊〉 ba●….  true, you have played an unthrifty part yourself, for you are said to be be that sold his benefice for a boale of new Al●… in corns, and what thrift call you that▪  Sir Simon. 
Better thrift than you are ware of, for the boale was spiced with a hundred Ducats, which spice sunk to the bottom that all men could not see it.  Author. 
Then your name shall be converted from Sir Simon to Sir Simony, but have you any other benefice left to live upon, and ●…pe hospitality withal?  Sir Simon. 
I am not as yet unfurnished of my plurality, but if I had not one, yet have I the feat to ●…ishe an●… 
Sir Simon fisheth wih a gold●… 〈◊〉.  catch: so fine a bait I have in store.  Author. 
How long have you been so cunning a ●…sher? When I knew you first you had no such skill, but ●…ted yourself to l●…e as bar●…ly as I, and other your poor neighbours.  Sir Simon. 
That I lived barely I confess, but that it conte●…ted me I deny, wherefore I direct my study to the Art of Fl●…ttery: wherein I found such savour, that I set aside all other studies, and dedicated myself wholly to that, in which art I am now an absolute Schoolmaster, and if thou once tastedst the sweetness thereof, thou wouldst reject thy stoi●…all study and become a Philosopher of our se●…te.  Author. 
I pray you Sir Simon, for old acquaintance 
Honest studies ●…cted in respect.  tell me how you put this kind of Philosophy to so profitable use?  Sir Simon. 
I will rip it up unto thee even from the beginning. It is not known unto thee how solitary a life I led when I first become a Clergy man, and when I went any where abroad, my only arrant was to preach, in which my sermons I could not cease to inveigh against the abuses of these days, not sparing Lord or Lady or any degree, in reproving of sin and wickedness, so far forth, that I was counted 〈◊〉 saucy knave among Gentiles. And specially of patrons of benefices, whose foul disorders, in making merchandise of the Church being God's part, would heap up wrath for them against the day of vengeance, and that thereby the children's bread was taken 
This 〈◊〉ty is greatly to be 〈◊〉.  away and cast unto dogs for not only they were depri●…ed from the food of the soul, by selling of the benefice to simple Sir john, utterly unlearned, but also the patron must have the sweetest sop of the tithe to maintain his ●…oundes, greyhounds, and Spaniels, for lack whereof the poor parson is unable to keep hospitality: & as Christ whipped out the Merchants from the Temple at jerusalem, so these Church Merchants must look for a grievous 
Let them su●…ely look 〈◊〉 it.  s●…ourge to come on them from God. For this and the like doct●…ine I was hated of many, and loved of few. On the other side, I saw how some other Preachers that were my near neighbours, could cunningly claw the ytching ears of vain glorious men, and like Pro●…heus convert themselves unto sundry shapes, by means whereof livings were powered into their laps. I set aside my satirical ●…ous, and become a plausible preacher, I rejected seli●…, and become a boon companion: I left my books and ●…ell to my bowls, 〈◊〉 shut up my study, and sought out the Ale house, and then who so good a fellow as Sir Simon with the Papist I was a P●…pist: with the Protestant, an earnest gospeler, 〈◊〉 the new-found Family of Love, I was a lo●…ge companion: among grave men, auncie●… 
A Chaplay●… of trust.  with wild ●…ates, youthful: among gamesters, a good ●…low: and finally, a man at all assaye●…. Then began my credit to increase, and those that before spoke evil of me, now gave me good rep●…rte, and in short space I had more livings 〈◊〉 on me, than law would permit me to 
Scoggi●… do●…le is 〈◊〉 ge●… where 〈◊〉 is 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 no●… d●…ert.  receive, but I would refuse none: for I invented a proper policy both for f●…uour and profit. When soever any ●…yuinge came unto me more than by law I was capable of, I would either make ambergris of one, or else make over my entangled living unto some man of such Authority as against whom no common promoter durst presume, by means whereof, I was sure to have a good bucklar of defence, 
Such mar●… chandi●… have marred a●…  and a profitable gain without desert, so that in short space I was taken up among states, in whose presence, to win further favour, I could behave myself ●…o pleasantly, that who so great a man as I among●… Lo●…des and Ladies. I have committed to my mind such store 
An vn●…it thing for 〈◊〉 P●… to be●… a lesse●….  of pleasant denise●… to ●…eede their humours at the table, that I am called my Lords merry greek, for the company is the merrier that I am in. And on ●…ee attendeth simple Sir john, who is made a dou●…te and dogbolt of every seruing●… 
A Chap●… 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 ●…o 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 Th●… 〈◊〉 ●…o 〈◊〉 〈◊〉.  man, because of his simplicity, but for all that, I with 〈◊〉 subti●…, and he with his simplicity, and my Lorde●… men with their policy, keep in our hands many good be●…ices in the Country, if this be no thrift now judge yo●….  Author. 
If such shifting thrift, ●…nd with good thriving▪ I much ●…aruel, but this mean while, how do you discharge y●…r cons●…ence in preachi●…ge according to your function?  Sir Simon. 
〈◊〉 preach very often, and that with great commendations, for when I am in Pulpit before Nobles 〈◊〉 
Sir Simon▪ preached 〈◊〉 pro●….  peers of the Realm, I tend my invectives wholly against the insatiable covetousness of the Country man, with the subtlety that is in them harboured under the cloak of simplicity, and how they beat their brayves only about worldly affairs, omitting first to seek the kingdom of God, and the righteousness thereof, according to the commandment of our Master Christ. etc. And like wise of the Lawyers that unconsionably take fees, by whom controversies are rather maintained then ended. And when I preach in the City, and before Lawyers, I declaim against both the Courtier and the Country occupier, whose dealings are so unconcionable towards the Merchant, that he causeth many rich and wealth Merchants to become bankrupt. Again in the Country, I preach that the pride of Landlords is the impoverishment of the common wealth, whereby also vice is nourished and virtue decayed, and that disguised attire of men and women, maketh them seem more like monsters then human creatures. 
Sir Simon preacheth dog●…kes in stead of Doctrine.  And in all my sermons, I have one pleasant dogtricke or other to delight my auditory, which merry conceit is committed to memory, when the rest of my doctrine is neglected.  Author. 
But I pray you Sir Simon, is your life so conformed to your doctrine that it cannot justly be said unto you Medice cura te ipsum.  Sir Simon. 
Tush that is the lest care that may encumber my mind, for I have so bold a tongue, and such a brazen face, that if I be detected of any notorious crime, I can so hide my wolvish carcase under a cloak of Lamskin, that my deserved blame shall rebound into the bosoms of my accusers.  Author. 
But I pray you (sir Simon) have you had free passage in these your proceedings without taking of some notable foil.  Sir Simon. 
Lo now thou dost urge me either to accuse myself unto thee, or else to deny thy request, but because I think that whatsoever I do r●…ale unto thee, shall be buried in the Sepu●…chre of thy secrets, I will display certain finester practices of late I put in ure, to the utter Shipwreck of my fame, and grievous wound of my good report, which scar lieth so open unto the eyes of the world, that it is shot at with the sharp arrows of many men's tongues, and yet I hope to save it from festering by a plaster of new invention as in the end of my tale thou shalt hear.  Author. 
I covet first to hear your practices (the causes of your wound) and then your chirurgical policy.  Sir Simon. 
Thou knowest that when I was in the flower 
Bbelike Sir Simon wa●… a long lubber  of my youth, I was well regarded of many men, as well for my prompe wit in scoffing and taunting, as also for the comeliness of my parsonage, being of very tall stature, and active in many things, by means whereof I become a Servitor, but I was soon weary of that trade, & took on me a habit of holiness, namely a friars cowl, and was a painful Preacher. Shortly after I cast of my cowl and took on me the office of Preesthood. But within a while, I liked so ill of that function that I shaked of my square cap and my tippet, and become a practitioner of that civil Law, in the attire of a temporal man, as though I had taken no orders at all more than the. 24. at which time I traded many things and chiefly in minerals. But it is a world to see how promotion pricketh the mind 
Sir Simon a 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 all kind of 〈◊〉.  of man, as in 〈◊〉 may appear a perfect pattern: for it so happened that a certain archdeacon in the Province of M. died while I was at N. a City of the said Province, after whose death I took new orders, and become a new old Priest again, than I laboured so effectually and s●…ed so finely, as well with my golden hook, as my glozing tongue, that at last I got into my hands, not only the said Archede●…nry of N. but also certain fat benefices in that same Province, whereat the world smiled and spoke of me much shame. But I bore out that with a brazen ●…ace, and d●…ised means to win new credit, for the oldst was so cracked and worm-eaten rotten, that it was naught worth  Author. 
Truly Sir Simon, I deem it one of the most difficult matters in the world for a man to win new credit in a place where the old is so far passed as you have described.  Sir Simon. 
Nay verily, I esteem it no difficult matter. For by this means that I shall tell thee, I bear a greater countenance than ever I did. For I keep jolly good cheer in my house, but not for each poor ●…aue and every rascal, or for the poor and impotent, but for Lords, Knights, Esquires, and Gentlemen. And let them bring 
Sir Simons alms  with them whom they list, yea, even their very Dogs, Rug, Rig, and Risbie: yea, cut and long-tail, they shallbe welcome, & for this cause I am a companion among estates.  Author. 
But I think those men of honour and worship, use you as men use their waterspaniels: that is, they make you their instrument to fetch and bring unto them 
Sir Simoni●…●…ruisable ●…tniell.  such commodities, as you by the corrupting of your conscience may compass, and for your labour they spit in your mouth, and make you their mocking stock behind your back, and if it be so what new credit do you win hereby?  Sir Simon. 
It may be as thou sayst, but I have not as yet perceived it. But all this while I have not told thee of one of my practices which sticketh more in my stomach then all the rest, the wound whereof, though in time it may be care●…, yet I fear me the scar will remain while I live. Wherefore, to unload my stomach of that chorasie I will utter it unto thee as followeth.  
There is a very honest man dwelling near unto a Town called D. in the Country where my dignities are, which honest man was my very friend in time of necessity who dwelleth on a living given unto him by an old Mai●…er of his, sometimes Are ●…deacon of the place that I now possess, and by my dignity I am now his Landlord, but o how it grieved me to see so sweet a sop (as he eni●…yed) 
〈…〉.  out of my dish, wherefore I summoned an assembly of my wits and wills tog●…ther, and so devised how to surprise him by the practis●… of my pro●…ssed art of Adulation, wherein 〈◊〉 used also deep 〈◊〉, which is a special branch of this Art, and to begin, I wroat unto him a letter in effect following.  
My old friend M  
the sunory good turns that I have received at your hands enforceth me to study how I may requited thesame. And sith Fortune hath now advanced me to be your Landlord, I assure you, (if your living were not already on you bestowed) I would endue you therewith in more ample manner, than did your old Master, and persuade yourself herein that you shall find me as fast a friend unto you, as any you have in that world, whereof you may make proof when you william. And because I make the like account of you, I am bold to request the use of your friendship at this time, which is, that you will lend me one hundred pounds of money, towards the charges that hath grown unto me by late purchased promotions, I wish you well, from my house at N. etc.  
By your etc.  Author. 
Truly Sir, your letter protendeth much Adulation, & yet peradventure you performed your promise unto him, and in so doing your words were friendly and not flattery.  Sir Simon. 
In deed I performed the same with shame enough unto myself, for he (joining with another of my tenants) gratified my request, and I requited it in this manner: I refused to receive my rent of him because the 
A man of good conscience as by this practi●… appea●…h.  forfeiture of his living, stood upon the non payment of his rent: willing him not to regard the tendering thereof at the days and place limited, seeing that not only I was his very friend, but also indebted unto him far beyond the value of my rent. But hereby I see how God standeth with true meaning men, and frustrateth the wicked policies of unconscionable dealers, to their shame, as in me may appear a notable example, for I intending to cirumvent him with my subtlety, was myself caught in the snare of shameful obloqui. For when I supposed that he had forfeited his said lease for want of tendering the rent, whereas (in very deed) he (unknown to me) had lawfully tendered thesame, I came unto his house as judas did unto his Master & friend 
God provideth 〈◊〉 plain meaning 〈◊〉.  Christ with a treacherous kiss of egregious dissimulation, and brought with me a troop of my adherents. And at our coming, (albeit it was on a soddeine) we found such cheer and friendly entertainment, as right well deserved great thanks, in recompense whereof, I sent the good man out of the way by a train, and in his absence gave possession of his house to another, which being known, all the 
A good turn well ●…ed.  Country cried against me Crucifige. And yet he (by his above specified wisdom) prevented my pestilent wiliness. And this is the scar that I fear m●…e I shall never cure.  Author. 
Certes of all knaveries, cogginges and dissimulations, I never heard the like, but I pray you have you applied no plaster unto this so foul a wound, which I think stinketh so that it offendeth the senses of as many as know you or hear of you?  Sir Simon. 
Yes I have a little mollified the same with 
A proper excuse to blear the eyes of fools.  the ointment of smooth words, saying unto him, that my meaning was to take it into my own hands, and so to bestow it again on him, that thereby he might perceive how well I loved him, but all this cannot stop the mouths of the people, and therefore (as I told thee before) I cleave fast unto the company of worshipful, trusting that in time it will be a Scarf to shadow the scar of my knavery.  Author. 
Now to conclude with you Sir Simon, I pray you what is the price of a good benefice in your Country? for I know that you are both a Merchant, and a factor for other chapmen.  Sir Simon. 
Ah sir, that is such a secret as I list not reveal unto you for doubt lest I be shent. But if thou wilt study my ●…te, I will be thy reader, and then thou 
A ●…ret ●…ote ●…o be publ●…y 〈◊〉  shall both kn●…w the order, and enjoy the fruits thereof.  Author. 
verily Sir Simon, I do so much detest and abborre the study and practice of that filthy Science, that I will rather suffer any worldly penury, than be a follower of thy sect. And now I cannot choose but declaim against all thy practices, as thou hast particularly recited them unto me. And first to begin with. Whereas thou hast acknowledged thy return from gravity to knavery, from holiness to hollowness, from light to darkness, from truth to lying, and from sincerity to flattery, for this thy notable apostasy, thou deseruost to be baffolde here on earth, and to be installed the Archdeacon, or rather Archedevill of Pluto's infernal Court. Also where as thou hast confessed thy impudence, in committing of evil, & bearing 
A fit preferment for such a Cl●… plain.  out the same with a blushless brazen countenance, I assure thee, the day will come when thou shalt stand before the tribunal Seat of Christ, and all thy filthy facts shallbe then laid before thy shameless face, and penetrate the brass thereof (if any there be) when thy own conscience shall put thee in mind of these words that thou hast often times preached, out of the Psalm: that is. And unto the ungodly said God, how darest thou take my laws in thy mouth whereas thou hatest to be reformed, for when thou sawest a thief thou consentedst unto him, and hast laid down thy portion among the adulterers.  
And also thou hast read Saint Paul's rules unto Timothi, as touching the framing of his life to his doctrine, and his works to his words, that in the function of his ministry might be found no fault. Then wilt thou say, o that I had so directed my life by the line of God's word, that I might boldly and truly have said with our Saviour Christ, Quis ex vobis potest me arguere de peccato? But all to late shall it then be, except while thou hast space thou call for 
Man can not blear the eyes of God.  grace, and without dissimulation turn unto God, whose eyes thou canst not blear with all thy cunning in Adulation, because he is scrutator cordis, the searcher of the very heart of man and will not be deceived by any art of glozing words etc. Now where as thou hast practised to be bolstered up by the countenance of worshipful Gentlemen, I must needs note, that many noble men & gentlemen are by thee and thy sect vehemently abused. For thou hast acknowledged thy insinuation towards them, by means whereof they commit credit unto thee, and such is thy wickedness, that whether they be inclined to to virtue or to vice, all is one to thee: So that if they be covetous, extortioners, proud, voluptuous or blasphemers of Gods holy name, they are not by thee rebuked, but such shall die in their own sin, and their blood shallbe required at thy hands, and also (as I have heard of thee) thou haste honest 
Ezek. 33.  terms to cloak these forenamed vices. First, covetousness is thrift: extortion, good husbandry: pride is cleanliness 
Cleanly terms for filthy faults.  lechery, a spurt of youth: and swearing is lustiness etc.  
And as for Simony, it is but honest consideration, whereby thou, and simple Sir john, with Sir W. the Weaver, and Sir T. but lately a Tinker, with ●…unce the serving man, snatch up the benefices in the Country. But God be thanked these disorders are like to be reformed by the 
Unmeet Ministers in the Church of Christ.  providence of our Noble Queen and her Honourable counsel, with the Bishops and Fathers of the Church: & then shall Sir Simon be shaked of from the presence of Noble men, and men of authority, and true preachers placed in his room. And now to conclude with thy sinister and execrable practice in the Province of M. whereof thou sayest 
God grant this may be done with speed.  thou art ashamed. Consider the premises, and live hereafter like an honest man (if thou canst) and that shallbe the best plaster to cure that scar, which otherwise will never be healed, & being once whole & sound with continuance of that salve, thou mayst then boldly show thy face, which is, as yet so blemished, and always regard these words, veritas nonquerit angulos. Truth seeketh out no corners, nor searcheth for coulorable shifts.  
FINIS.