Rodomontadoes. OR, Bravadoes and Bragardismes. ¶ Collected out of the Commentaries of the most Dreadful, Terrible, and Invincible captain; Mattamores', Crocodillo, Raiabroquelos. Arma virumque cano. Printed by W. jaggard, 1610. To my Lord Vieillart, Councillor to the King, Treasurer of France, and General of the Revenues belonging to Soissons. My Lord, I Stood a long while in doubt, whether I should deliver to public view or no, this slender impression, and under your favour: because the matter appeared to me too small, in regard of your great merit. But when I considered, that generous minds do always receive with grateful acceptance, whatsoever is offered them in honest affection; I was excited to proceed on boldly. Wherefore, I present unto your honour (with such respect as becometh me) these pleasant castilian Rodomontadoes, or braving boasts of an humorous Spaniard: wherein you you shall find nothing else, but some harmless jests & merriment, without injury or wrong to any one offered. Specially not unto Spaniards, whose name is no otherwise here used or borrowed, then was that bragging Soldier Thraso by Terence: under which might be understood, an Englishman, Scottishman, Frenchman, or some man of any other Nation. And indeed I am verily persuaded, that many men in reading this Book, and falling into laughter: may happen to laugh and smile at themselves, because they may chance to find their own follies recorded, under the fable alluded to another. Well do I know, my Lord, that you are no such censurer as Cato, nor yes so severe as Aristarchus, but after you have employed your spirits in great and grave affairs; you may find some content in reading this trifle, as a pleasing relaxation from former perturbances, as myself have often made the like use of them. If the Bow stand always bend, it will at length become too slack, and fit for no service when it is needed. After storms and Tempests, the heavens do afford us fair weather; and such as are stocked in Prison, or chained to the Oar in a Galley, will sometimes consolate their afflictions, by the help of Songs, or pleasant discourses. These jests and Braggadochio mirths, may serve in the like Nature to such men, who, after they have travailed and spent their spirits in great and serious matters; desire some other honest and sportive recreation. And if I may perceive, that your wont sweet and gentle inclination, shall receive this my poor unworthy gift (which I offer you with my most humble service) with good looks, and kind acceptance; It will excite me to more painful labour hereafter, and to remain for ever Your most humble Servant, jacques Gaultier. To the Reader. SIr, understanding what curious desire you have to attain unto the lofty elegancy of the Spanish language: I have dared as the most hardy and courageous, that I could hear off, since the world was a World, to adventure on this small Summary of Spanish Rodomontadoes. And yet not without some dread in my boldest resolve, representing unto me this conceit, that effects are oftentimes more miraculous, and suller of Divinity, then of common sense or humanity. Nevertheless, the invincible courage that I have had, and yet do contain for your eternal service, hath armed me at all points: not with Armour only of Musket proof, but those silly and light Arms beside, for the taste of coddlings or sodden Apples, to resist against the threatenings of that Sun-shaddow, which never yet appeared in our France, without being many times eclipsed, by the sight and presence of him, who lately reigned most happily over the true French. Rodomontadoes. OR, SPANISH Bravadoes, and Bragardismes. I. WHen I came into the World, Mars entered into my shoulders; Hercules into my right arm; Samson into my left; Atlas into my legs; Mercury into my head; Venus into mine eyes; Cupid into my countenance; Nero into my heart, and jupiter into all my body. So that by the very abundance of my power: when I walk I make the earth to tremble, heaven to look fearful, the winds to cease, the Sea to become calm, women great with child to deliver abortives, men to fly amazedly here and there. And men of greatest valour, and highest courage, beholding but my presence, say all with one voice, Libera nos Domine. II. I Swear by my Sword (Villain) if I can but see thee, I will give thee such a blow with my Bastinado, as by the very strength thereof, I will strike thee six foot down into the earth. And there shall remain nothing of thee out of the ground, but only thy right arm and thy head, reserved for this especial occasion: to take off thy hat, and do me reverence, as I shall pass or walk along by thee. III. ASsuredly when I consider how highly Fortune hath endued me with graces, I find that I want time to put all those considerations in effectual employment. For first, she hath heaped such strength upon me, given me an immeasurable mass of courage, & builded such a fabric of extraordinary valour in me: that I am as a Colony in France, a Bastillion in Spain, a Fortress in Italy, a Castle in England, a Citadel in Germany, a Tower in Poland, a rock in Armenia, a wall in Denmark, & generally the hath adorned me above all the men of this world. For I am of a most purified & refined kind of mettle, form from the choicest grace of the earth's entrails, and merely engendered of Generosity. FOUR I Make a Vow to jupiter, that I am as a Man without sense, & even half desperate, because I cannot instantly meet with any man that is desirous to entreat peace, or take truce with me. Al my glory therefore shall be, to find out some one, upon whom I may discharge this choler, & revenge my spleen, since I cannot prevail to deal with them that have occasioned this passion in me, by reason of their cowardly & speedy flight. For this is infallible, I can never express the height of my manhood, against poverty in power, or silly resistance. XIII. I Swear by the bones of the Sun, that it is not possible for me to restrain my right arm, from striking one stroke with my Bastinado, but it is death to the endurer: except the Sun will stay his course in the firmament, and entreat me to be more merciful. VI I Am undoubtedly persuaded, that there is not any thing in the world, which is able to equal the horrible, dreadful, and furious terribility of my courage. For what created creature is there in the world, but yieldeth me honour & obeisance? Such is my awful and commanding power, that I make the earth to tremble, the Skies to look affrighted, the Planets to stand at gaze, and the rudest winds to be whist. The Sea shrinks in her head, and dare not be seen, or stir: the Beasts that haunt the highest Mountains, and those that live among the lesser hills, are glad to run, and hide themselves in their wombs, as in Dens or caves: nay, that which is more, the Birds which fly in the air, the Fishes that swim in the Sea, and men that are most valiant and courageous, at one very wink or turn of mine eye, they sink, and so I send them into their Graves or Sepulchres. VII. GO, run to my Cook, command him from me, that forthwith he spit and lay down to the fire, a dozen & a half of my great Cannons or Ordinance, and to lard them with infinite Truncheons of Spears, Pikes, and Halberds, broken by mine own arm, in so many several fights, when none in the world (except myself) was able to depart thence conqueror. Bid him also to dress some two or three Dozen of Muskets, and make me a Salad or two, of Petronilles or Pistols, strewed about with Bullets, instead of Olives and Capers. Then, let whosoever dare, come sup with me: for these are the Viands, whereon I am usually accustomed to feed. VIII. I Am King of all the Paladines, the terror of the World, the Flower of Nobility, among all the Rodomants, rowland's, and Reynards'; endued with infinite special graces: Goodly, like an Angel: I have the heart and courage of Lucifer: I am Servant to the choicest Ladies of Beauty, and Prince or Sovereign of the company of Amaracoes. IX. Upon a certain day, it was my hap to meet in Battle the Queen of the Amazons, who advancing her arm, was in good hope to have slain me with her warlike Sword. But I (never admitting the least loss of time) at one blow smote her down to the ground, and then catching her by the hair, I threw her with such violent fury up into the air, that she never stayed, but went on so faxre as the fifth heaven: where she fell upon Mars (who was playing at the Saunt with Venus) and shrewdly broke his head. Venus' being there at not a little affrighted, cried out for help and succour, and at her cry, all the Gods ran immediately to her: where they were extraordinarily amazed, to see Mars lie along in such ghastly manner. But jupiter putting his head out at the Window, and seeing me lay such strokes still on mine Enemies, my courage and choler holding on so furiously, that the Fire sparkled about the Field, as if it had been another Mount Gibell or Aetna: he forthwith said to all the other Gods: See that you stir not, neither make any noise, for he that hath already slain Mars; is able and sufficient of himself, to kill as many Gods as remain alive, or dare use any resistance against him. X. I Know not what kind of death I should devise or make choice of, for the punishment of two villains, that eyed me this day in the street after a base & scurvy manner. I desire to look over mine Index or Repertory, where I have set down with mine own hand, seven hundred, sixty, and five several kinds of slaughter, to see which of them may be by me best liked and allowed. For indeed, those which now adays I would customarily use, and have as an extraordinary exercise in my hand: I could wish, that they might be blows without blood, slashes of the sword, yielding no purple sluices, but as if my weapon's edge were Led, or the reverses only industrious▪ agile, and subtle. For my other kind of fight, I find and confess it to be too dreadful and fatal: because I never stab, but it is quite through, the very fall of my Sword makes an huge wide wound; my Estoccado is over dangerous, and the least stroke mortal. Therefore I am oftentimes (in mere mercy) compelled to bestow some few blows with my Bastinado; to the end, that I may give rest to my weapon, and let it rejoice a little in the Scabbard. XI. Look to yourselves, my Lords, retire or withdraw a little out of the way, until I have put on my Cape or Cloak: because the very wind thereof, is sufficient, to send you suddenly above fifty leagues hence, beyond the Pyrenean Mountains. XII. IF my Sword could speak, and tell what it daily doth, time were not able to allow it discourse. Who could else, more people all the Churchyards in the world, than he hath done? who hath made richer chirurgeons every where, than he hath done? Who could, or can make the Armourers to have more toil and continual trouble, than he hath done, and daily so endureth? What can cut through more armours of proof, than it doth? Who more scoffs or scorns the Bucklers of Barcelona, or carves through the curious Helmets of Calataynd, than it doth? As for the Casks of Almazen, it cuts through as easily, as if they were all made of Muske-Mellons. XIII. IT is now full twenty years, since this sword hath been my feeder and maintainer: For, thereby am I feared of men, and beloved of women. XIIII. IT hath been told me, that the great Turk commits many murders, and that he cuts off men's arms and legs. But by the life of my dead Father's bones, if I go to him, that courage will be cold, and quickly forsake him. For I shall no sooner appear in his presence, but he must presently strike himself dead with his own hand, for fear lest he should fall into mine. XV. WIth one word only, I can penetrate and strike down to hell, and with my very presence, I am able to subdue the whole world, even from the East unto the West, spoiling, defacing, and tearing all men & other matters in pieces, that shall dare to oppose themselves in my way. For it is universally known what I am: That my Bedstead is built with the ribs of Giants; the Tick or Bed itself, is stuff with the Monstachios of the chief Commanders in the great Turk's Camp, and the Bolsters with the brains, which by very boxes on the ears, I have beaten out of his best Captains heads. My Sheets are woven of the fairest locks of the Amazons; my coverings, of the Swissers beards, and my Curtains of the soft down of the Eyebrows of the Hungarians and Germans: The Walls of my lodging is constructed of divers parts, not only of Casks or Helms, but of whole of whole heads enclosed in them, carrying plumes and pendents of the Queen of England, who (being dead) I have frighted in her Grave with my formidable Bilbo, for terrifying me in the terrible year of eighty eight. The Floor of my house (instead of Plaster of Paris) is artificially compounded of janissaries Teeth: The tapistry or Hangings, are Skins of Arabes and Sorcerers, flayed off with the very point of my Dagger: And the Tiles or Slates which cover my House, are the Nails of monarchs and Kings, whose bodies I have long since (in despite both of them and their Corpse du Guardiano) sent in Slices of a foot long, into their Graves. XVI. SCorning (in mine Person) to draw my dreaded Sword, against a single brave English Captain: I gave him such a kick with my foot, that he mounted, and smote his head against the Sun, with such violent strength, that it continued eclipsed for the space of fifteen days together. And then, within a while after, the Captain went and fell upon his knees before jupiter, entreating him to pardon me my Sins, in recompense of the good deed that I had done, that with a spurn of my foot, I had placed him among the Stars, whereas (contrariwise) I might have cast him down into Hell, among the Wicked and Damned Souls. XVII. WIth one hair of this Moustachio, which I carelessly cast away, I will make such a wide ouverture or breach through thy Body, as all the Spanish Infantry, and the French Cavalaery, shall pass along easily through, without any touch, either of the one side or other. XVIII. WHat matter were it, if Asia, Europe, Africa, the Pyrenian Mountains, and the Alps were all whelmed one upon another: seven Dragons, eight Elephants, ten Tigers, two and twenty Lions, and sixty five Bulls in fierce opposition? All these for me to couquer and make peaceable, were a matter of nothing. XIX. Mistress of my heart, command me some service becoming my vocation; for I swear by the greatest Tooth of Cerberus, to give defiance (for your sake) to ten men together: and though there should come twice as many more, yet I stand resolved, not to fly, but to resist them all. Command me to kill one, two, three, four, fifty or sixty persons, to hew off legs, arms, noses, or the faces of any whosoever, as dare presume to equal themselves with you. For such offices are easier to be by me performed, then at any time by you they can be commanded. XX. WIth this most re-doubted and terrifying Sword, I ruinated, I destroy, and set all things on fire: Overthrowing whole Armies, breaking down cities, racing castles, leveling Trenches, battering walls, and shaking in shivers inexpugnable Fortresses. For, at my very sight or presence, I make jupiter to run and hide his head; Mercury flies like a Schoolboy; Cupid quakes and trembles; and Mars he stands in amaze, as if he were transformed, rendering over his tribute from Venus to me, because she affects me, as her much more amorous Servant. XXI. IN what place soever I am, Death is always with me, because he gets more profit by me, than if he were in the midst of the most furious and bloodiest battles in the whole world. He hath been my continual companion and follower, in conquest of the kingdoms of the Grimeans, Diceans, Dinameans, Alopitians, Pitunians and Espinomeans. For to speak nothing but the naked truth, without him. I had walked alone night & day: because I can find no other more familiar resemblance to myself, or one that can be so pleasing to me. XXII. I Find in myself the Nature of the Basilisk, and (indeed) something of greater power. For if he with his sight can kill one after one, when I look upon men in my spleen and choler, I make them to fall down by ten and ten, even as if mine eyes were the Balls of your greatest Artillery. XXIII. I Am too old to induce any Travail, and yet but young to all valiant and adventurous sufferance: For from the time that I was in my Cradle, Venus made it her daily custom, in stead of Milk to feed me with fire, and for fruit and sweet meats, I swallowed leaden Bullets, and Balls of Brass. XXIIII. LIke as the World is divided into four parts, whereof three are Asia, Africa, and Europe, and these three are circkled or round engirt with the Sea: Even so is my heart divided into three other parts, which do contain three several Natures, to wit; affable, terrible, and cruel. Now these three parts are round environed, yet not with Water, but with living flames of hot cousuming fire. And as this fire (in loves behalf) is so sweet, as much better for me were it, if it were sour or bitter, because I cannot captivate the poison which is in my heart, enen so in the same manner is my heart itself. And yet with three strokes of this bright brandished blade, the one delivered slycing, the second reversing, and the third merely pointing: I could kill and over-quell all mankind, making Rivers of blood longer than Ganges, larger than Poe, and more terrible than Nilus. But let the World be thankful for it, that at this instant I am become amorous, or fallen in Love, for in my former fiery and over-fierce humour: I used to kill daily (at the least) three or four dozen of Men, Women, and Children. But now, in this more mild and temperate alteration, I use not to kill past a dozen in a day. And what do you think may be the reason thereof? Let me tell ye for an infallibletrueth, it is nothing else, but the mere love or cupidical affection, wherewith I have changed my furious humour, and prostrated it in demure Devotion, to the eternal service of my dainty and most Divine Mistress. XXV. MY Shoo-makec one Morning pulling on my shoes, I found one of them somewhat too straight in the instep, I gave him such a kick with my foot against the ground, that the earth immediately opened, and he fell in as far as Hell. Belzebub, Satan, Pluto, and Barrabas, Lords and Princes of those Tenebrous obscurities, were thereat driven all into no mean amazement. Great Cerberus cried and howled most pitifully: Proserpina rend and tore her hair, shrieking and weeping very bitterly, because she saw her dark kingdom receive a glimpse of light. The little Diabolotinos or lesser Spirits, hid themselves in corners here and there. Some leapt out of hell, and fled fearfully thence, & since that time, many of them have hovered aloft in the Air, and others in nooks and crannies of the earth, tormenting divers people, as in many places of the world it is daily noted. XXVI. WHat woman dare be so bold or audacious, as not to confess herself most highly enamoured of this strong thigh, this puissant arm, this breast full of all force and valour; this visage, more goodly than that of Ganymede, or that of Dido, or the looks of Absalon? Let me but see that blushless housewife, and then bid her abide the fury of my indignation, if she can or dare. XXVII. Lady, you may (by good right) forsake the Name of Madam Beatrix, and entitle your selfhence forward, Imperatrix or Empress, Queen, Princess, marquess, Countess, Dame, and Damosil: Seeing these two great Colombs or Pillars of Hercules, which do support and sustain the whole world, are solely obliged to your service. I could tell ye, that this castilian body, is filled with the abounding courage of infinite Armies; that this breast and this arm is stronger than the Tower of Babylon: Especially, when it is assisted by this redoubted Sword, for the fires sparkling from it, do penetrate, & surmount in bright splendour, the luminous beams of the Sun. XXVIII. IF mine infinite courageous valour, could possibly be bought with the price of Gold or Silver, there needed no other traffic either by Sea or Land, nor should you hear any more speech of Merchants or Merchandise, or of any man that would labour or addict himself to follow such a fruitless vocation. Because all men would procure to employ their industry, to get the strength but of one of mine arms, of a leg, of a finger, of my nails pairing, of an hair from mine eie-brow, or the very smallest from my head or beard, which only might suffice to make them valiant, & (than valour) what can be of greater price or estimation? But it is my joy and comfort, that it cannot be compassed, and I am the rather therewith contented, in regard of the peace and quiet of all those Kings, monarchs, and Princes, that hold friendship with me▪ XXIX. MY Maquerella, that old bawd Fortune gave me her word, that I should enjoy the Lady, of whom I am so highly amorous. But if she keep not promise with me, I swear by the horns of Pluto, by the Beard of Mars, by the laws of Samson, and by the Koran of Mahomet, that I will take from her all her tricks, and bereave her of her inconstant and variable wheel. As for her body, with one Estoccado, I will hurl her to Valladolid, bruised and broken into so many pieces or small fragments, that she shall no sooner be fallen down there, but she shall be squandered into dust & power, which I will make use of, to cast upon those letters, that by me shall be daily sent to my sweet Mistress. XXX. I Have more augmented & increased in the compass of two poor days only, the Stygian Kingdom of grim-faced Pluto, & peopled his dark & smoky Hal with subjects, then either Rodomont, Orlando, Reynard of Moutauban, Mandricard, or Radamanth, with all their powers could do, and I have dreadfully subjecteth, & humbled upon their knees, in a thousand thousand other places, hearts that were dauntless, most valiant, & of unmatchable courage. If you require any witness or testimony hereof, send to all the inhabited Countries of the East, West, North and South, and perusing their Chronicles, do but note w●at you find written in them all, of my virtue and valour. XXXI. THe great Turk is more afraid of my valiant resolution, which this unconquereable Arm hath dearly made known unto him, then of ten armies or main battalions joined together. Because I being one day in the war of the Venetians, against the forenamed great Turk, I gave such a box on the ear to Abenhamet, great master of his Camp, that I smote his head quite from his shoulders: & presently, with another spurn, I kicked it into Constantinople, where it delivered the tidings of the foil and loss of all the army. But when the Grand Signior himself, & all the rest there present with him, beheld the head without a body, they fled forthwith into their houses, making their doors very fast upon them, & continued in such fear, as in 6. years after they durst not peep abroad, through the bread they stood in of me: till at length, I putting on an humour of more mild temper, and falling into my wonted magnificence, gave them free leave to enjoy their liberty, and to walk about the streets, as in former times they had done. XXXII. WHen I walk along through the streets of the City, a thousand Ladies present themselves before me. One pulls me by the Cloak, another winks with her eye at me, another prays me to sup with her, another offers me presents, another kisses my hand, and blesseth the Mother that bore me, accounting herself to be most happy if she could compass but one Night's lodging with me: To no other end, but only to have a child sprung from the race of so great and valiant a parsonage, as the world well knoweth me to be. XXXIII. IF the strength of my members could be imparted among disordered persons, and mutinous spirits; the world would be in an uproar, revolt, and confusion, and nothing else were to be seen therein, but only battles and conquests. The bells would ring night and day, as delivering the interment of slaughtered bodies: Surgeons could never come forth of their houses, for stitching up slashes of sword, healing Estoccadoes, setting in right shape broken arms and legs. Women would weep for the death of their Husbands, young children for the loss of their Fathers, and Maids for great wrong done to their Maidenheads, having lost their Lovers, and in danger to die Virgins. XXXIIII. IT is I only that never felt fear, but have menaced the Skies, the Air, Earth, and Water, yea jupiter and Hel. I could wish to war with all the Elements: for I fear no tempests, storms, thunder or lightning. And I doubt not, but in very short time, to make myself Lord of the Sea, Earth, and Hell: I will do it, and I can do it, for my forces are sufficient to perform it. XXXV. IF I come to thee, I will give thee such a spurn with my foot, that it shall raise and mount thee so high, as if thou wert provided with ten Cart load of Bread, yet shouldst thou stand more in fear of famishing, then of bruising or death, when thou fallest down again. XXXVI. OH, how I smile to myself, when I call to mind the ignorance of the Gods, in deyfying Hercules, and giving him a name of equal excellency with them, calling him a God: only because he killed the Hydra, took the Bull by the horns, rend the Dragon in pieces, vanquished the Lion, surmounted the Centaur, and the wild Bear: because he made the Harpies fearfully fly away, slew Cethes and Achelous, foiled Diomedes King of Thrace, and overcame Gereonea Qu. of the Amazons: fiinally, because he erected Columns or pillars in many places. In effect, all these things are nothing else but a mere fable, and actions of a young womanish spirit, being compared with my unparaleld strength, fortitude, and courage. For neither the puissance of Daryus, King of the Persians, nor yet of that Alexander, entitled, styled, or epittethized, the Great; nor the strong Samson, nor mighty Hector the Trojan, nor the valiant Achilles, nor the mad and furious Rowland, cleped (by some) Orlando Furioso, nor the adventurous Gridasso, nor the gallant Sacrepant, nor the terrible Mexican Mandricarde, nor the famous Rugiero, or French Roger, nor the horrible Agricano, or the robust Rodomont: No, not any one of them, or all assembled together, could or be able to equal my terrible, horrible, formidable, fury-bond, and dreadful force, if I please to let it appear in my thundering humour. XXXVII. MIne arm quakes & trembles, at that which I am determined to do for my Lady & Mistress: For continually I ponder how and which way to compass her contentment, and yet I never attain unto it. All the night long I dream that I am performing deeds of Arms (for her sake against ten men, six whereof, I slew outright, and of them which fled away, he that escaped with best safety and security, was glad to leave his left arm at my feet. But then (O you Sacred powers) how much more am I able to do in the day time, when I am awake, and at my martial exercise? Twenty men together dare not touch the string of my Shoo. XXXVIII. ONe day as I was playing at the Balloune, I smote it with such force, that it flew up into the third heaven, where it mounted and leapt up before the Gods, who were then assembled in a very serious Counsel. They looking earnestly one upon another, became so confounded, that they sat wide gaping, and had not the power to speak one word, until at length their senses being restored, they thought it necessary that jupiter should descend to earth, and falling on his knees before me, forsaking both his Crown and Sceptre, should humbly offer himself to my service, Venus to be my Shee-seruant, Mars my Lackey, and Mercury mine Apple-Squire. XXXIX. AS I was one day playing with the destinies, in the presence of Time, Fortune, and Nature, upon a difficult happening between us, I was suddenly enforced to draw my sword: Time, Fortune, and Nature, being dear friends to the Destinies, stepped between us to take up the matter, and make peace. But I being a Spaniard, set my right foot foremost, and gave therewith such a spurn to Time, that I cast him between heaven and earth, and there he hangs still hovering to this instant. Fortune, I sliced her in twain just at her girdle, and threw the one half of her there where the Sun riseth, and the other part where he takes up his lodging. As for Nature, with my punto reversso, I gave her such a deep & incurable wound, as neither Physician, Chirurgeon, Barber, nor Apothecary, could ever since undertake to heal it, but every month in the year that wound breaks forth a bleeding. XL. I Had upon a time a quarrel with a French Gentleman, who with despiteful words, bade me draw my sword: which I refused to do, because I perceived the Frenchman to look pale, and to be of a very chil-cold complerion. Wherefore, in mere pity to warm his blood, and set him in an heat, I suffered him to have some fifty Estoccadoes at me, and as many other violent blows: yet could he not draw blood, or had the power to hurt me. But for myself, I knew my choler and courage to be such, as with the very lest sillip of my finger, I could have beaten out his brains, and made him sink to hell. XLI. BEing desirous, that Pluto should pay me such ordinary tribute, as other Kings daily did and do: I took my journey to hell, where I found Pluto walking at his pleasure, accompanied with five hundred and forty five Millions, & thirteen hundred ninety and six thousand Legions of Devils, that usually attended upon him. So soon as he beheld me a far off, coming towards him, he came directly to meet me and yield himself as my prisoner. But I laid hand upon my Sword, and Pluto perceiving me to be offended, & in choler, knowing (withal) that I was a Spaniard, fled back into the deepest parts of hell, with all his train frightfully following him, & there made fast the gates against me. But I being come thither for better obedience, marched on gallantly step by step, as those of my nation are wont to do: and with a very sneezing of my nose, I made the gates fly open, and I entered. In a moment, I took there for my prisoners, great Satan himself, the Prince Pluto, and the fair Proserpina; all whose hands I bound fast together with a hair of my Moustachios or beard. Nevertheless, beholding their incessant tears and lamentations, made with such outcries and wring of hands: I used the mercy and magnificency of a Spaniard, delivered them out of their servile bands▪ and so suffered them to enjoy their former liberty. XLVII. I Will kill this Villain, his Wife, his Children, his Servants, his Dogs, his Cats, his Pullen, his very Lice, Nits & Fleas, or any living creature belonging to his house, which also I will ruinyte from the top to the foundation: though Pluto himself, and all the Devils that are in hell, had solemnly vowed to save them from my fury: And what is my chiefest purpose herein? Only to constitute such a dread and terror of me, in the hearts of men, as no one (be he never so bold or courageous) shall at any time hereafter dare to offend me. XLIII. IT was my chance (one day) to be walking abroad, somewhat necre to the Trenches which were made at Oastend; when suddenly a Bullet, being sent from a piece of great Ordinance, fell into my mouth, shook two of my foremost teeth, without any injury or offence unto me. At the instant hour, I grew to be somewhat incensed with choler, and the Bullet I took into my hand, & casting or returning it against the enemy, it happened to hit against a Tower in the wall, which immediately in an instant was driven into smail dust, and slew with the very fall thereof, about 1555. gallant Soldiers, who (by especial appointment) were placed there as a Corpse du Guard, & had the charge both of the Tower and wall. XLIIII. Upon a time, I would take a walk into Hell, where I found Pluto, Proserpina, & Death, all fitting at a Table. They were in such a fearful astonishment, beholding me in their darksome dwelling, that I (well knowing their weakness of courage) without any further delay, leaping up with a Caper after the French fashion, with the very crown of my Hat or Beaver, broke the roof of hell; and mounting forth at that breach, the mere noise of my departure thence, was such, that it made the great City of Lisbon to tremble, and overturned 88●. houses, in the street of Boanistre. XLV. BE not you offended, Mistress and Lady of my life, neither let it seem displeasing to you, that I am sought after, and beloved by so many Brincesses & Paragons; who but wrong themselves therein, and merely lose their labour in vain. For I bear affection to no other, but only to yourself my sweetest mistress: because you are endued with beauty far beyond Diana, with good graces and behaviour, excelling Pallas, and with sweet affability more supreme, then Venus. All these three Sovereign Goddesses equal not you, to whom I have freely given my heart, & properly chosen you as mine own. Consider then that I love you, and forsake not me for any other, in regard that I am more than a Gentleman. Wherefore, if you marry with me, A swear by the faith of a Captain, and by the life of the King my Father (for I never heard him called by any other name) to beget ye the first night such a regiment of Soldiers, as shall conquer all the world in a moment. XLVI. Myself, Hercules, Death, & Love, met all by chance on a day together, in a place which was appointed for Archery, and each of us had his Bow and Arrows there ready. We fell to this accord among ourselves, that he who with his Arrow could make the greatest slaughter or execution, should bear away the amplest recompense of honour. Hercules began first, and with his Arrow, he slew all the Panthers, lions Tigers, Bears, Wolves: all savage Beasts, Dear, Elephants, Camels, and Bulls. Next, Love took his shaft, and drawing it to the head, he caused all the Gods, Giants, Amazons, Men and Devils; to fall and submit themselves under his amorous yoke (my self only excepted, on whom Love could not attain to any power.) Death being resolved to let loose his Areow, he killed therewith all the creatures that were upon the earth. Whereupon, I grew into some displeasure against them, & being moved in a moiety of choler, to be revenged on them; I crossed mine Arrow in my Bow, determining to let it be my very last shoot, to avoid all further quarrel and contention, but no sooner flew mine Arrow from me (being let loose indeed with extraordinary spirit and courage) but in the very instant, I slew therewith, Hercules, Love, and Death, and so remained the sole Conqueror. XLVII. I Kiss the shoe-sole of your Ladyship, sole Mistress of my heart; Princess of this breasts power, Duchess of this arms dexterity, marquess of my matchless courage, Countess of my valours capricious conceits, Queen of my forces Quintessence, and absolute Governess of me and my person. I am constrained to spit daily on the point of my sword, for fear it should pass fatally on any person in your presence, or where your virtue may command my demonorance. This Epitaph is engraven upon his Tomb, whom I last slew, for not being bare before you. The Epitaph. HEerelyeth Martino Alphonso, Galeone, as dead as a Mouse, who fearing to offend the only gallant man of the World, desired to be blown away with his breath, because his love was out of date, and he durst no longer live in this world. XLVIII. HE that dares but look on me, From fear he never can be free; Knowing my puissance of such might, That Death himself, I kill outright. Alone I am, without compare, To prove my manhood, no man dare. When I hold my Sword in hand, Renown and Honour I command: From the Goddess is my descent, And with them must my time be spent. My Sword and Buckler doth suffice, Against a thousand enemies: They are as nothing in my sight, I make the Earth and Gods affright. What ere he be that dare resist, He dies, then tarry if he list. FINIS.