THE HOLLANDER.  
A Comedy written 1635.  
The Author HENRY GLAPTHORNE.  
And now Printed as it was then Acted at the Cockpit in Drury lane, by their Majesty's Servants, with good allowance.  
And at the Court before both their Majesties.  
LONDON: Printed by I. Okes, for A. Wilson, and are to be sold at her shop at Grays-Inn Gate in Holborn. 1640.   

The Persons in the Play.  

Artless, a Doctor of Physic.  
Urinal, his man.  
Mixum, his Apothecary.  
Freewit, a young Gentleman, and a Suitor to  
the Lady Knoworth.  
Sir Martin Yellow, a jealous Knight.  
Popingay, his Nephew.  
Fortress, a Knight of the Twibill.  
Sconce, a Gallant naturalized Dutchman.  
Captain Pick.  
Lady Yellow.  
Mistress Knoworth, her sister.  
Mistress Mixum.  
Dalinea, the doctor's daughter.  
Lovering, a Chambermaid disguised.   The Scene London.  

To the great hope of growing nobleness, my Honourable friend, Sir Thomas Fisher, Knight, &c.  
Sir,  
THe knowledge of your still increasing virtue has begot in all men love, in me admiration, and desires to serve it: as cunning Painters express more significant Art in model, then extended figures, I have made election of this little of spring of my brain, to show you the largest skill of my many endearments to you; and as an Ambassador from the rest of my faculties, to inform you how much devotion the whole province of my Soul pays to your worth and goodness. Had I been endowed with such blessings, (noble young man) I should have presented you a well-manned hawk, or an excellent Courier, gifts (because more agreeable to your Disposition) more fit to have been tendered you: But I am confident you know that a Book (as it is my best inheritance) is the most magnificent sacrifice my zeal can offer: this Play therefore accept, best Sir, from him who is nothing more ambitious than of the title of  
your true servant and honourer, Hen. Glapthorne,   

The Hollander.  

Actus primus. Scena prima.  Doctor and his Wife. Doctor. 
HOw do these new Guests like us?  Mrs. 
Very well:  
That fortnight they've been here, I have observed  
From them not the least relish of distaste;  
The Lady and her sister are so good  
Themselves, their innocence cannot mistrust  
Ill in another, specially in us,  
Who do assume that formal gravity  
Might dash prying eyes: But is the sister  
Cured of her Ague perfectly?  Doct. 
The Spring  
Does not produce an Ague but for Physic,  
She's cured, and only does expect her sister,  
The Lady Yellow, otherwise I fear  
We should not have her company.  Mris. 
green-sickness take her,  
I thought it had been that, and then my Art  
Would have been requisite. I should have found  
Some lusty youth that would have given her physic,  
More powerful to expel that lazy humour  
Than all your Cordials: Heaven, I can but think  
How in this seven years, since we came to town,  
The Tide is turned with us: when thou wert an Inn-  
Keeping Apothecary in the Country,  
The furniture of our shop was Galley-pots,  
Filled with Conserve of Roses, empty Boxes,  
And Aqua vitae glasses: and now thou art  
My most admired Doctor, walk'st in Satin,  
And in plush, my heart.  Doct. 
Applaud my wit that has effected it.  Mris. 
You will grant I hope  
An equal share to me? Was it not I  
That first advised you to set up a School  
For Female vaulters, and within pretence  
Of giving Physic, give them an overplus  
To their disease. How much this has conduced  
To our advancement, forgetfulness itself  
Cannot deny.  Doct. 
Nor will I, my dear associate, I have now  
Achieved a wealth sufficient to procure  
myself a licence, though the murmuring Doctors  
That do not bite-back it, though they watch  
All opportunities that may undo  
My estimation: we must therefore arm  
ourselves with circumspective care: be sure  
Those virtuous gentle women, who are now  
Domestic guests, have no cause to suspect  
A misdemeanour here, nor that, our daughter,  
A virgin could as morning air or Ice.  
So timorous of society, that she seems  
Neglectful of mankind, be exposed to every common eye,  
Frequents our house, we must be politic, wise, or our state,  
Will soon embrace a ruin.  Enter Urinal. Vrin. 
Are you the Doctor Artless pray sir?  Doct. 
My name is Artless  Vrin. 
Sir, I am sent from Mr. Mixum, your Apothecary, to give attendance on you.  Doct. 
Your name is Urinal, I take it?  Vrin. 
you take my name by the right end sir, my father was a brother of master Mixum's function: marry my mother told me a Doctor got me, for professions sake I hope you'll use me kindly.  Doct. 
Doubt not good Urinal, if thou be'st not cracked canst thou hold water.  Mist. 
Well, that is, be secret, insooth husband, the young man will be very good at a dead lift, to serve our patients turns, he has a promising countenance.  Vrin. 
A good subsidy face mistress, but master Mixum has certified me, that hither come Ladies and gentlewomen, City wives and country wives, and the better sort of sailors wives: Nay wives of all sorts, but Oyster wives, some to have the falling sickness cured, others the inflammation of the blood, the Consumption of the body and lungs; if I do not to any man or woman administer a glister, vomit, potion, julip, Cordial, or what physic your worship shall think fit, with dexterity, say I am no sound Urinal, and beat me to pieces.  Doct. 
I believe thee, but did Tom Mixum give you nought in charge to say to me?  Vrin. 
O yes sir, he had me tell you he had a fat Goose in the pens, only for your pulling: a younker of a thousand pound per annum.  Doct. 
Sayst so, what is he; knowest thou?  Vrin. 
I saw him sir, he was a proper man: but I think has not much more wit than myself, he seems of a good sane disposition, and may I believe, be led by the nose as quietly as the tamest Bear in the garden: he has not wit enough to be a knave, nor manhood enough to be an honest man: this is my opinion of him sir, when you see him you'll understand him better.  Enter Popingay, Sir Martine Yellow as his man Pop. 
With licences, is not this house a receptacle  
For sinners?  Doct. 
Now you are in't perhaps it is, what mean you?  Pop. 
Pish, seem not to obscure, is it not in plain terms, a house of ease.  Doct. 
There is one in the garden sir.  Pop. 
Where one may do his business without fear of Marshal,  
Constable, or any one of that most awful tribe.  Vrin. 
Surely this gentleman comes to take a purge, he talks so cleanly.  Pop. 
Shall I have answer sir? I come as hot from sea, as a  
Hollander from herring fishing, I have an appetite,  
The most insatiate citizen who frequents  
Your mansion cannot tame; had she been fed  
With amber possets, eaten sparrows eggs, or her accustomed  
Bevendy, been the juice of Clare or Sparagus.  Doct. 
What abuse may this be?  
Perhaps your most officious pander monsieur  
That for a shilling will betray his sister  
to prostitution; did mistake, be gone, or I shall  
Fetch a gentleman will whip your hot blood out of you.  Vrin. 
Shall I run for the beadle's mistress?  Mist. 
No go to the next Justice for a warrant, and make haste, be sure I'll have the knave smoked for abusing my house.  Pop. 
This must not fright me, do you not keep a pimping  
Roaring varlet noted as much as pig, have you not constant  
She soldiers in your citadel, none such,  
Had holland's leaguer, Lambeth Marsh is held  
A nunnery to your College.  Virn. 
And the three Squirrels in the town; I warrant a very  
Sanctuary to it.  Pop. 
Come here's gold, be not so bashful, Mistress pray receive it,  
I know you are open handed.  Mist. Art. 
Now I defy thee for a Rascal's Urinal why run you not to the Justice, his man would have taken your money ere this time.  Pop. 
Yet lest I should mistake you, though I am by all  
Truth confident this is the house: pray resolve me;  
Has the Lady Yellow a chamber here?  Vrin. 
Yes sir, she lies in the yellow chamber, and has done this two months.  Pop. 
I did believe it.  Vrin. 
Nay you may believe me if you will: I know neither Lady Yellow, nor yellow chamber, I have not been here above half an hour.  Doct. Tom Mixum, 
Sure sent this fellow hither, he's so unmannerly, silence Urinal, what if that Lady have a chamber here sir?  Sir Mart. 
Now he comes to the purpose.  Pop. 
Nay speak directly suppositions: include a doubtful sense, if she have not, I shall repent the error of my language and crave your mercy.  Doct. 
Impudence I think, beyond my own rests in this youth,  
I must find out his meaning; 'tis perchance some one  
Sent from her jealous husband, whom she told me,  
In discontent was travelled prithee wife go in, and tell the  
Lady Yellow, here is one wishes the knowledge of her.  Mrs. Art. 
Hang him young whistling, he know a Lady, pity of his life first.  Doct. 
Do as I bid you: Urinal attend your mistress in.  Vrin. 
Yes, I will attend her in and in too, to do her any service.  Exeunt Urinal, and Mistress. Doct. 
Sir, the uncivil language you have given me,  
Might justly stir a passionate man to rage;  
But it no more stirs me then the light wind,  
If you've relation to the Lady Yellow:  
She's one whose virtues merit that respect,  
'twould be a stain to manners not to use the meanest of her  
Friends with due regard: pray sir what is she to you?  Pop. 
As any woman else is for my money, only I must confess, I have an itch, a tickling thought to her before the rest of common prostitutes: I know she'll lodge in none but vicious houses, which enforces methink yours is so.  Doct. 
'tis a misconceit, I me sorry for her sake (whom I esteem  
So chaste, the pure untainted Doves may envy  
Her unstained whiteness) should be cast upon  
My innocent house, expect I'll send her to you, she'll shape you a  
Just answer, would she were as they suspect her.  Ex. Doct. Sir Mar. 
This Doctor is dishonest, speaks untruth,  
My jealousy is just, that any man  
Should so undo his reason; in belief  
Of women's goodness, as on their loose souls,  
To venture his creation; nay transform  
His essence by them: for a cuckold is  
Nature's huge prodigy, the very abstract  
Of all, that is wonderful: contempt and shame, are accidents as  
Proper to his brow, as baire and whiteness.  Enter Lady Yellow. Pop. 
Is this she sir?  Sir Mar. 
I nephew that's the monster.  Pop. 
If Afrique did produce no other monsters, there would  
Be more cuckold in it then lions, but to my business,  
Madam the old tradition of this house invites your  
Knowledge to conceive for what I sent to speak with you.  Lady. 
As yet indeed it does not.  Pop. 
Truly it does, I hope I shall obtain  
The virgin glories of this day's encounter,  
Come shall's kiss, and then retire into your chamber.  Lady. 
My chamber, sure your manners lies in your beard, what do you take me for?  Pop. 
An excellent creature; one whose meanest smile  
Would tempt a votary earnest at his prayers,  
Before the image of his tutelar Saint; to vary his  
Fixed brow: yet I must tell you, you are a factoress of the  
Devils, one who fell damnation pleasingly as Asps  
Infuse their itching venum: a standing pool,  
On whose salt womb the too lascivious sun  
Begets of Frogs and Toads a numerous offspring.  
Compared with you is empty of corruption.  Lady. 
is't so have at him, a strange compliment to win a Lady,  
Sir by your first discourse I had imagined  
You came to spend part of this cheerful morn  
In amorous dalliance with me, I am apt  
For entertainment of it, as a bride  
Long time contracted to some exquisite man  
Is on her wedding night, but your quick change,  
(Did not my glass assure me) no great blemish  
Dwells in my cheeks, would urge me to mistrust  
An imperfection in them: they are my own sir,  
I do not wear (though it's common among Ladies)  
My face i'th' daytime only, and at night  
Put off the painted visor, this hair believe it,  
Was never shop-ware, you may venture on me, let but your  
Creature keep the door, my chamber is empty for you.  Sir. Mar. 
Impudent strumpet.  Pop. 
Can you be a woman, & utter this, the hot desire of quails,  
To yours is modest appetite, you carry  
A stone about you, not to warm your blood  
Oppressed with chilly cold, but to inflame it  
Beyond all sensual heat, which you would extinguish,  
(Had you a soul about you) with your tears,  
Or weep with the continuance that tall Pines  
Diffuse their gummy drops in summer, and  
Faster than trembling icicles, or snow, at their own dissolution.  Lady. 
This is stranger yet sir, I see you come to convert me  
Prompted with a zeal would choke ten precisians earnest in  
Their hot house of convention, alas poor youth thy want  
Of practice in the sweet delights of love,  
Undoes thy judgement, can there be a joy  
Equal to this to have a sprightful Lady,  
Whose every lineament speaks captivity  
To the beholder, clasp with the same strictness  
That curling billows do embrace a wrack,  
Her lover's neck, kiss close, and soft, as moss  
Does some o'ergrown Oak; but I see 'tis vain,  
To prate to thee whose ignorance may plead  
Excuse for thy fond heresy; go depart,  
Turn Eunuch and reserve thy voice, perhaps I will purchase thee  
A petty cannon's place in some blind chantry.  Enter Doctor and Dalinea. Doct. 
I'll cut off their discourse, if thee be right isle have my benefit out of her: Dalinea attend her Ladyship, Madam I fear you take cold here, your Sister, Mistress Know-worth expects you too within; Gentlewoman you cannot complain you have been used uncivilly; pray now depart, 'tis time.  Lady. 
They may return to the wise man my husband, from whom I'm sure they come, and tell him my disposition, ha, ha, ha.  Exeunt Lady, and Dalinea. Sir Mart. 
Flames rise on flames successively, the sphere  
Has no such fire as I do harbour here.  Pop. 
What divine creature should the other be, well master  
Doctor, we shall be even with you.  Exe. Sir Mart. Pop. Doct. 
ay, do your pleasure sir, the small Riveret  
Does in its cold waves, seem to drench the sun  
(When like a riotous drunkard) his hot rays  
Sucks up the pearly waters, if this Lady  
We are in her breast, the burning spots of lust,  
They shall increase, and like the Stars, light her soul  
To th' firmament of pleasure. The business sirrah?  Enter Urinal and Sconce. Vrin. 
The business sirrah, he's gotten into th' Lordly phrase  
Already, Sir the gentleman I speak off?  Doct. 
Is this he? would you have aught with me sir?  Scon. 
Amon Deui, this is the Doctor: Foutra I would fain speak to him, Sir I should be happy to initiate my knowledge in your acquaintance Master Mixum an Apothecary, at whose shop I use to eat Eringo Roots, did recommend me to you.  Doct. 
Honest Tom Mixum, you are welcome; what's your design with me?  Scon. 
Fame does divulge you to be a man experienced in the Arts.  Vrin. 
Of cozenage and lying excellently.  Scon. 
Which does concern our bodily health.  Doct. 
And you perhaps labor of some disease,  
And come to seek for remedy, I can  
As Galen or Hipocrates, read a lecture,  
On maladies, their causes and effects,  
Tell by the countenance of a man, the ill oppresses him,  
You by that Linea curva i'th' altitude of your horoscope,  
Should be subject to Calentures.  Scon. 
Neen up mine seal min here: ick neat, infection vanish I never was subject to disease, but the gentile itch which I obtained in the Low Countries.  Vrin. 
I was in hot service certainly.  Doct. 
With licence sir, let me desire your character, I long to know you, Symptoms of worth declare you in my opinion noble.  Scon. 
I shall explain myself by land shape afar off, my father was a Dutch man.  Vrin. 
Which makes him look so like a smoked westphalia ham, or dry Dutch pudding.  Scon. 
And one in the conspiracy with Barnevet, at whose hanging he fled o'er hither.  Vrin. 
And the gentle noose had knit up him, and a hundred of his country men, your land would not be pestered so with butter-boxes.  Scon. 
Thinking to have purchased a monopoly for Tobacco: but that the Vintners took in snuff, and informed the gallants, who had like to smoked him for't.  Doct. 
An admirable project.  Scon. 
Afterwards he undertook to have drained the Fens, and there was drowned, and at the ducking time at Crowland drawn up in a net for a widgin.  Doct. 
Pray sir what tribe was he of?  Scon. 
He was no Jew Sir, yet he would take pawns, and their forfeits too, and has left me such as you see, I am a proper man: a trifling patrimony, a thousand pounds perannum.  Vrin. 
I admire no man begs him for a fool, and gets it from him.  Doct. 
May I request your name?  Sco. 
My name is Sconce sir, Master Jeremy Sconce, I am a gentleman of a good family, and can derive my pedigree from Duke Alva's time, my ancestors kept the inquisition out of Amsterdam.  Vrin. 
And brought all Sects in thither.  Scon. 
And took their surname from Kickin pot, the strongest Sconce in the Netherlands.  Vrin. 
An excellent derivation for a dutchman, Kickin-pot.  Scon. 
I had a good strong x taken in by th' enemy, last summer, Skinks Sconce Mr. Doctor, my cousin german once removed by a stratagem of hay boats afire on them.  Doct. 
That should have been before they came there Master Sconce.  Scon. 
But 'tis thought our nation had recovered it ere this, but that the villainous Dunkirk at sea met with the Herring-busses and made stockfish of them.  Vrin. 
They beat them soundly then it seems.  Doct. 
Have you no brother's Mr. Sconce?  Scon. 
Not any that I know of, as I am gentleman, nor was there any of my name till of late, that gallants have begot me namesakes in every Tavern.  Doct. 
But the business you have with me is unrelated yet, and I have haste, pray what may it concern?  Scon. 
A household matter Mr. Doctor; I would be loath to be accounted troublesome, I should be none of your vulgar guests though: Mixum has informed me you have fair lodgings in your house, convenient for ease and pleasure, might I be so much engaged to your goodness, as to afford me a handsome one for my money, it should be an endearment conspicuously trenching upon my gratitude, and render me your obliged servant ever lastingly.  Vrin. 
As long as his money lasts, that is  Doct. 
If that be all, for Tom Mixum's sake, were chambers scarcer, you should not be denied. Urinal bring the gentleman into the dining room, I'll go acquaint my wife with it.  Scon, 
Urinal, art thou styled Urinal?  Exit Doct. Vrin. 
It is my right and title to be termed so.  Scon. 
Come hither my sweet Rascal, canst keep council, there's gold for thee, thou shalt have a new case sirrah, wilt thou be true to me?  Vrin. 
I will steal nothing from you Mr. Sconce.  Scon. 
Thou look'st not like a man of theft, I mean in a design.  Vrin. 
'tis not to convey gold over, in hollow anchors, to pay your Countrymen soldiers; if it be, I'll hear no more of it.  Scon. 
Pish, not that neither. Mixum thou know'st him, dost not?  Vrin. 
'twas he preferred me hither.  Scon. 
I did imagine't; my fine Urinal reports thy Mr. to have the rarest salve.  Vrin. 
The weapon salve I warrant.  Scon. 
Which would, if I were desperately hurt, cure me without a surgeon's help.  Vrin. 
So I have heard indeed.  Scon. 
Now Urinal, it is our Country Custom only to Stick or Snee. But couldst thou but procure this precious salve, I would confront the glistering steel, outface the sharpest weapon.  Vrin. 
My Master is very cautious in parting with it.  Enter Freewit. Free. 
Save you gentlemen, belong you to this house?  Vrin. 
No sir, this house belongs to us.  Free. 
Mistress Knoworth, the Lady Yellows sister, she is not stirring?  Vrin. 
'tis a lie sir, she is.  Free. 
Your wit is very scurvy Sir: if you serve a Creature here to carry messages; pray deliver one to her.  Vrin. 
I may choose whether I will or no though.  Scon. 
Nay, and he shall choose sir.  Free. 
Prithee good friend let him; I'll do't myself.  Vrin. 
Nay, that you shall not neither: what stand I here for? But sir, 'tis not the fashion of this liberal age, to employ a man of merit in a message without consideration: your lawyer's clerk will not acquaint his Master with a client's cause, until his fist be soundly greased: Why may not I then use the privilege of my office? Sir, we Doctors men take aurum palpabile for Restorative: you are not unfurnished sir.  Free. 
O thou wouldst have money; there's for thee, prithee Entreat her presence.  Vrin. 
Instantly, instantly, noble sir, Mr. Sconce pray bear this worthy gentleman company.  Exit Urinal. Free. 
Why should she lodge here? all similitude  
Explains this house for vicious, and this Doctor  
For an impostor: Though she have been sick,  
She might have found to remedy her disease,  
Another, and more famed Physician  
Than this: She stays perhaps to bear  
Her sister company. Whatsoere's the cause,  
Who dare deprave her innocence, or cast  
A thought of blemish on her virtues? Light  
Diffused through air (although some thick-browed fog,  
Or sickly vapour do invade airs sweetness)  
Suffers no loathed corruption. Thorns may gore  
With envious pricking, the discoloured leaves  
Of the chaste woodbine, but can never blast  
Their unstained freshness.  Scon. 
Now in the name of madness what ails this man? Sir are you jealous of your wife before you have her?  Free. 
What if I be sir.  Scon. 
She may chance Cuckold you after you have her for it.  Free. 
Good Coxcomb hold thy prattling.  Scon. 
Coxcomb? how Coxcomb to a naturalized Dutchman? Death sir, shall I blow you down with my Can; or show you Twibill.  Free. 
How Sir?  Scon. 
Nay, be not angry man, I meant no harm, 'tis but a compliment all salutation, I purchased of the Mr. of the Order o'th' valiant Knights of the Twibill.  Free. 
A new Order of Knighthood, that may I know the institution.  Enter Mistress Knoworth, Martha, as Mr. Lovering leads her. Know. 
Servant welcome: Lovering entreat  
That gentleman to withdraw with Mr. doctor's man.  Love. 
Sir, my Mistress begs your absence.  Scon. 
Beggars are no choosers my friend: she shall  
Undergo no contradiction: but Madam, 'tis the fashion  Vrin. 
As I take't, to salute at meeting, and kiss at parting.  Kisses her. Vrin. 
You had best kiss her double Mr. Sconce.  Scon. 
Lady, serviture vostre & a vous assi Monsieur tresnoble.  Vrin. 
He looks like a squirrel indeed: this way sir.  Exeunt Lovring, Sconce, Urinal. Free. 
I hope you grow to perfect health,  
The Native beauty that once filled your cheeks,  
Like to the budding Rose puts forth again,  
After cold winter's violence: and your lips  
On whose soft touch, had it been possible,  
Death would have died himself, begin to show  
Like untouched Cherries, pale with Morning dew,  
Which once shaked off, the purple fruit aspires  
With amorous blushes to entice the small  
Linnet and wanton Sparrow from their Lays,  
To dote on its pure tincture, till they eat  
What they admired.  Know. 
— O you are pleasant servant; did you know  
How near I am to death, and for your sake,  
Your humour soon would alter.  Free. 
Truly, fair one,  
It is a sweetness in you, I could wish  
Were tempered with less passion: (Your much care  
Of my unworthy self;) 'tis but a fortnight,  
Since last my eyes enriched their needy sight,  
By the reflection of these stars, and had  
The least ill seized me, you had been the first  
Whose ears would have received it; harms are aptest  
To be reported where they are least welcome.  Know. 
They are indeed, and one of yours is come  
To kill my knowledge; such a one, as had  
You worn a common heart, no strong disease  
Could have dispatched sooner.  Free. 
— I feel  
No inclination in my faculties  
Tending to sickness: I have never yet  
By nightly surfeits forced my youthful blood  
To a distemper.  Know. 
Would your youthful blood  
Has ne'er forced you one. Perfidious man,  
Had I achieved the patience of a Saint  
(Seclude my love to thee) I should in rage  
Title thee worthless: nay, a name above  
That hateful appellation: did you never  
Injure a Creature of your mothers one Martha?  Free. 
Ha: how mean you Lady?  Know. 
In the black act of Sin, when you designed  
Her honour, as a carcase to the Grave,  
Wherever since your deed of ill was acted,  
'T has slept lost and forgotten.  Free. 
By just truth.  Know. 
Invoke your falsehood, if you dare erect  
On the black number of your heed less oaths  
A monument to perjury. White truth,  
Flies from the rancorous poison of your breath,  
As from a stifling damp. Can you deny  
Without a blush what I have urged?  Free. 
My resolution staggers a tall Oak,  
Whose weighty top has discomposed his roots)  
When whirlwinds do assault it, fits unmoved,  
Balanced with me, to recollect the strength  
Of impudence, and deeply contradict  
Her mightiest affirmation, were to wage  
A feeble war with truth. Say I did Mistress;  
'twas ere a thought reciprocal enjoined me  
A serious duty to you and your mercy,  
In which you do approach as near heaven's goodness,  
As heaven does blessed eternity, will pardon that wit less error in me.  Know. 
Truth I shall not: the harmless Myrtle first shall live in frosts,  
And the pale Cowslips flourish, ere warm showers  
With quickening moisture raises them to tell  
The early Violets they are not alone  
The Springs prime Virgins: my peculiar wrong  
I freely pardon: but if you respect  
Your conscience, seek that injured woman, and  
Restore by sacred marriage the sad loss  
Of her deprived fame. Do it Freewit, heaven  
Will smile at thy integrity; my tears  
Shall strive to wash your crime away.  Ex. Mrs. Know. Free. 
She weeps: so choice flowers, when extracting fire,  
Enforces their lost leaves to a mild warmness,  
Do through the Limbeck temperately distil  
Their odoriferous tears. But 'tis most just  
To lose a chaste love, when distained with lust.  Exit. 
Explicit Actus primus.   

Actus secundus. Scena prima.  Sconce, Urinal; with a box of weapon salve. Scon. 
BUt are you certain Urinal this ointment is orthodoxal; may I without error in my faith believe this same the weapon salve Authentical?  Vrin. 
Yes, and infallibly the cream of weapon salves, the simples which do concur to th' composition of it, speak it most sublime stuff; 'tis the rich Antidote that scorns the steel, and bids the Iron be in peace with men, or rust: Aurelius Bombastus, Paracelsus, was the first inventor of this admirable Unguent.  Scon. 
He was my Countryman, and held an Errant Conjurer.  Vrin. 
The Devil he was as soon: an excellent Naturalist, & that was all upon my knowledge, Mr. Sconce; and 'tis thought my Mr. comes very near him in the secrets concerning bodies Physical, as Herbs, Roots, Plants vegetable and radical, out of whose quintessence, mixed with some hidden causes, he does extract this famous weapon salve, of which you now are Mr.  Scon. 
There's a Welsh Doctor i'th' City reported skilful in compounding it.  Vrin. 
He? a mere Digon a whee; his salve, why it is Casebaby to my Masters: I dare be sworn 'tis nothing but Methegling boiled to jelly, the blades of Leeks, mixed with a Welsh goat's blood; then stamped, and strained through a piece of British frieze, or one of the old laps of Merlin's Jerkin.  Scon. 
Probable Urinal. That Welsh Doctor I do not like: I did attempt him for the weapon salve, and like a Turk he answered me, that Hollanders were Jews.  Vrin. 
They are a rebellious nation that's certain.  Scon. 
And that the salve was only made for Christians; there is a City Captain too; I know not how you style him.  Vrin. 
Not john a styles, the Knight of the post is it?  Scon. 
No, no, a very honest gentleman; but he's, reported to have achieved the salve in Lapland among the witches, and to be very liberal in imparting it to his friends, an Alderman's daughter Urinal may, and they say a witty gentlewoman.  Vrin. 
Is't possible Mr. Sconce? they have few sons of that condition.  Scon. 
Had a desperate hole made in her by a gentleman, with his Butt-shaft, as in her Country garden he was shooting at Penny prick; was, when none else could do it, cured by this Captain.  Vrin. 
By this light a trifle, a mere trifle, the very scraping of our Galley-pots performs more monstrous wonders: there was a Puritan Mr. Sconce, who, cause he saw a Surplice in the Church, would needs hang himself in the Bell-ropes.  Scon. 
Why did not the Sexton ring him by the ears for it?  Vrin. 
Him my Mr. seeing, did for experience' sake anoint the noose wherein his neck had been, and it recovered him.  Scon. 
Is't possible he should so easily escape a hanging! but on good Urinal.  Vrin. 
Nay sir I'll tell you a greater miracle: You heard of the great training last Summer master Sconce?  Scon. 
O when the whole: City went in Arms to take in Islington; marry I heard the alewives curse the report of their Muskets, it made their Pies and Custards quake i'th' Oven, and so come out bow-backed, whìch almost broke the poor Harlots.  Vrin. 
I then Mr. Sconce there was at least threescore blown up with a basket of powder, thirty of their lives my Master saved.  Scon. 
Rarer, and rarer yet: But how good Urinal?  Vrin. 
He dressed the smoke of the powder as it flew up Sir, and it healed them perfectly.  Scon. 
O that anybody would blow me up, to see how I could eure myself. Still on good Urinal.  Vrin. 
Nay theré, are thousands of this kind: but now I think on it since, it did commit a villainous mischief.  Scon. 
Could it ever do a mischief Urinal?  Vrin. 
Yes, yes, it has done a most notorious one, sufficient to exauctorate its power, and almost annihilate the virtue of it.  Scon. 
What was't good Urinal?  Vrin. 
I could e'en weep to tell you sir: 'tis supposed 'twill never recover the favour of gentlemen and City wits, they are quite out of conceit with it.  Scon. 
But why should they be so Urinal?  Vrin, 
I scarce dare answer Sir, for fear you hate it likewise,  
'twas such another mischief.  Scon. 
Prithee what? nay on my gentility Urinal.  Vrin. 
Why sir, it cured two Sergeants, and their yeomen.  Scon. 
How? two Sergeants.  Vrin. 
Who otherwise had drunk Mace-Ale with the Devil.  Scon. 
A Capital crime that same, to cure two Sergeants.  Enter Doctor, his wife: Mixum, his wife. Doct. 
Tom Mixum I thank thee for the man  
Thou setst me; 'tis a most serviceable knave;  
I've set him to pull you bird of Paradise, you parcel Dutch: thou sent'st him hither too.  Mix. 
I knew he was for your purpose, Mr. Doctor: this is the gentleman I told you had one thousand pound per annum, and would be a match for Mr. doctor's daughter.  Scon. 
There was a touch for him indeed Urinal.  Doct. 
It will, indeed, now I consider on't, I had rather she should marry a wealthy gull, than a witty Beggar: Wife and Mr. Mixum, will you discourse a little with the gentleman, sound his intent and proneness to a match, and as you find him use him; Mr. Sconce I should be glad to wait on you, did not urgent affairs withdraw me.  Scon. 
Mr. Doctor I saw you not before: I am sorry sir, you will be gone so soon, I should have changed some syllables with you.  Doct. 
Another time sweet Mr. Sconce.  Tom Mixum, Urinal, Exeunt with Doctor. Mrs. Mix. 
A very good fortune Mrs Arilesse for your daughter, and not to be neglected: shall I speak to him, or will you for sooth?  Mrs. Art. 
Perhaps he'll speak to us: see kind gentleman.  Scon. 
Lady, my manners does command me leave you: you would perchance be private by yourselves, or peradventure Urinal were more behooveful for your company: than I adieu Ufro's.  Mrs. Mix. 
Pray stay sir, we have some business with you, (let me alone to try him Mrs. Artless) besides we had rather be private with a gentleman, then by ourselves: they say you dutchmen are the kindest men, and love a woman heartily, you kiss so finely too.  Scon. 
You shall feel that presently [kisses her ]there was a touch for you: Nay Mrs. Artless you shall not blame my manners, I have a lip, a piece for you [kisses her ]and there was a touch for you Lady.  Mrs. Mix. 
So please you sir, I have another touch for you too, [kisses him ]Must try his disposition Mrs. Artless.  Scon. 
A very strong touch that same; she will beleaguer me I think, and her Cannon shot will be kisses, they almost blow me over. Surely the Minikin is enamoured on me.  Mrs. Art. 
Motion it to him Mrs. Mixum.  Mrs. Mix. 
Pray give me leave to feel his mind first, Mistress Artless: 'tis pity sir, you are so long unmarried; you are an exceeding handsome Gentleman.  Scon. 
Yes, yes, I know that well enough, I might serve for a gentleman Usher, were my legs small enough: there are Ladies would consume half the revenues of their Lords, on such a man of Chine and pith as I am.  Mist. Mix. 
Fie master Sconce, think not of Ladies sir, they are so imperious, a man must serve them as they do command, at every turn and toy comes in their head; they'll puff and fret else, like their taffeta petticoats with often brushing up; I will protest to you, you had better set you mind upon some honest country Gentlewoman, or Citizens daughter, Master Doctor has a handsome girl (though I say it before her mother's face) only she wants the audacity, which a man would put into her; would you were married to her: Sir, she may do worse, I dare assure you.  Mist. Art. 
Yes indeed may you master Sconce, have you not seen her yet? 'tis a pretty puling baggage, so it is, marry ere I would make her a Lady, she should be a new Exchange wench, your Citizens wives they are the goodest creatures, live the finest lives.  Mist. Mix. 
Very right, mistress Artless, good souls, did you but know sir, what tender hearts they have, how kind they will be to a gentleman that comes to deal for their commodities, they will use him and it were their own husbands.  Scon. 
I'll lay my life this muskmelon has a mind to use me so: I care not much to give her a touch, or so, she's of the right size, but Mistress Artless should I have your good will, if I could love your daughter.  Mist. Art. 
Certainly sir, were you of English blood, I should like you better.  Mist. Mix. 
Fie Mistress Artless, when I was a maid, I had a desire to be a kin to all nations: I have tried some English men, and they are like my husband, mere meacocks verily: and cannot lawfully beget a child once in seven years.  Scon. 
A touch, by this light, that's the reason there are so many bastards in the city.  Mi. Mix. 
Your Spaniard as a neighbour of mine, told me who had lived among, is too hasty, he will not give a woman time to say her prayers after she is bed: your French is with a woman as with an enemy, soon beaten off, but mistress Artless, if you will marry your daughter to the most complete man, let him be Dutch: they are the rarest men at multiplication, they will do it so readily.  Seon. 
They be indeed very good Arithmeticians.  Enter Lady Yellow, Mistress knoworth. Mist. Art. 
Here comes the Ladies: Mistress Mixum we'll depart, they must not know our conference.  Exe. Mrs. Art. Mist. Mix. 
A diew kind master Sconce.  Mrs. Mixum. Scon. 
Adieu min vroen, I have a pestilent mind to this talking harlotry, I will to her, but if I should obtain the Neapolitan beneath, a creek i'th' back, or so, from her, 'twould be but a scurvy touch, that for me, I should be forced to swim i'th' tub for it, or be hanged by the arms, and smoked like a bloat herring, I had forgot my precious salve, should I be served so, 'twere but dressing the weapon that hurt me (which I can have at any time) and be sound again, ha other donsellas: Madams, they are creatures of Plush, and Satin, I'll accost them.  Know. 
This is the gentleman I told you of, I wonder what his quality may be, our Landlord the Doctor is a much famed man, and surely very honest.  Scon. 
It shall be so, my English is not complete enough  
To hold discourse with Ladies of regard, my natural  
Dutch too is a Clownish speech, and only fit to court  
A leagurer in: no your French shall do it, and thank  
My memory, I am perfect in it, 'tis your most  
Accomplished language, there's scarce a gallant but does woe  
His mistress in the mood, but if they should  
Not understand me: well I will experce  
Me it.  Sconce cringes to the Ladies. Lady. 
He means to speak surely in cringes.  Scon. 
Madametres puissant en lecommand. de touts ceurs de cest monde, je que sui semond & invite en tant de lieux que je ne scay ou aller pour abrir mon sayn: a un bewtie digne de mon acceptance.  Lady 
Heyday, what's this, how should he know  
Who can speak French.  Know. 
He supposes it, prithee answer him sister.  Scon. 
Suivant vostre treschier virtue, je sui si liberal  
Que je abadonnerenie & renounce a tout mis biens  
daemon vid mon Engin mon alayne mon sang & mon  
Pensir (pour je ne saurioye, que dire) proueior mon  
Ceur mon affection tout a vostre plaiseur.  Lady. 
Aproche's je ne vou's morderay pas.  Scon. 
Si je ne vous fay tratement t'el que  
A vous appartient, je espere que vostre  
Noblez te contera de mon bon intention.  Enter Sir Martine, Popingay, and Urinal. Vrin. 
There is the Lady you inquire for.  Sir Mart. 
Thank thee my friend, there's for  
Thy pains, depart.  
Nephew stand clear, observe.  Exit Urinal. Scon. 
Sily'a chose en mon petit povoir en quoy je vous pvisse  
Servir & aider commands moy librement.  Lady. 
Vous Este fort & liberal de suparoll monsieur.  Sir Mar. 
At it so close, so now he wrings her hand,  
And she smiles on him: and her sister laughs  
At the lascivious posture, that I could  
Command a flash of lightning, or usurp  
A minute the prerogative of death  
That I might force a ruin on them, sudden  
As water falls from mountains, yet so wretched,  
They might despair and damn themselves, what say they?  Pop. 
They speak French, I understand them not.  Scon. kisses the Lady. Mart. 
O that's the age's bawd to lustful contracts,  
Hell seize them, may their lips, like twins  
In mischief grow together, that their foul breath  
May have no vent, least like some poisonous fog,  
It do infect the air.  Kisses her hand. Scon. 
Per dona mi Madam apre's les's leures le main.  Sir Mart. 
Again, why straight,  
If I stand still, they'll to the very act,  
I shall behold myself transformed to beast,  
And like an innocent lamb, when the keen knife's  
Prepared to slit his weasand never bleat  
But in calm silence perish; villain devil  
Hadst thou as many lives as thou hast sins.  
This should invade them all with the swift rage  
Of fire or whirlwinds.  Runs at Sconce, hurts him in the arm, Sconce disarms him. Lady. 
Heavens bless ye  
Innocent gentleman: sister my husband.  Know. 
I fear he has mischieved him.  Scon. 
You think you have hurt me wonderfully I warrant.  Pop. 
Good sir be more yourself.  Laughs. Scon. 
Give me thy hand, 'tis but a touch i'th' arm man, thou art a valiant fellow, I warrant thee a right twibiller, run atilt at a man before his weapon is drawn, your, Lady would not have done't I me sure, but 'tis no matter, thou hast done me a courtesy, or otherwise I should not take't so patiently, (I shall by this means experience my precious weapon salve) hold, thou wilt fight no more, there's a twibill for thee, thy sword I'll keep till we next meet, Ladies beso los doights de vostre blanch mains, adieu comrade remember I am beholding to thee.  Ex. Sconce. Pop. 
He's gone, but has left his hanger behind him.  Lady. 
Sister prithee speak to him, he has put me in such a fright,  
I cannot.  Pop. 
Sir be not so extremely passionate,  
Discourse your grievance mildly, hear her answer,  
Then censure justly of her.  Knor. 
Brother I admire  
A person of your breeding should transgress,  
Civility so highly, to attempt  
Upon a gentleman, who to my knowledge  
Injured you no way.  Sir Mart. 
He is your champion, and you his Ladies.  Know. 
How sir?  Sir Mart. 
His prostitutes I might have said O creature,  
Who art so bad, the present age will question  
The truth of history, which does but mention  
A virtuous woman; with what impudence  
Canst thou behold me, and a shivering cold,  
Strong as the hand of winter, casts on brooks  
Not freeze thy spirits up, congeal thy blood.  
To an everlasting lethargy. The stars  
Like stragglers, wander by successive course,  
To various seats yet constantly revisit  
The place they moved from: the Phoenix whose sweetness  
Becomes her sepulchre, ascends again  
Vested in younger feathers from her pile  
Of spicy ashes, but man's honour lost  
Is irrecoverable the force of fate cannot revive it.  Lady. 
Sir 'tis past my thoughts,  
What should incense you to this jealous rage  
'Gainst me your loyal wife, when no one blemish  
Lies on my soul that can give testimony  
Unto my conscience that I have not ever  
Truly and chastely loved you.  Sir Mart. 
Yes just so the green  
Willow and shady Poplar love the brook,  
Upon whose banks they're planted, yet infect  
By frequent dropping of their withered boughs,  
Its wholesome waters; that thou shouldst be fair  
And on the white leaves of thy face bear writ  
The character of foulness, swallow up  
In thy abyss of sin, thy native pureness,  
As the high seas that do with flattering curls  
Entice the spotless streams to mix their waves  
With the insatiate billows, that entomb the innocent rivers.  Lady. 
O me unfortunate woman.  Pop. 
Good uncle speak more kindly to her, alas she weeps.  Sir Mar. 
I see it nephew,  
So violent rain weeps or the purple heads  
Of smiling Violets, till its brackish drops  
Insinuate among the tender leaves,  
And with its weight oppress them: these are tears,  
Such as distil from henbane full of poison,  
And craft as she they come from: tell me woman,  
Who hast not shame enough left in thy cheeks  
To cause a blush, dar'st thou usurp the name  
Of good or virtuous, when these ears can witness  
Thou didst solicit yesterday this youth,  
To fate the ravenous heat of thy desire,  
With all the eloquence well worded lust  
Could borrow to adorn its painted foulness.  Lady. 
Was it you indeed? I'm glad I know't dear sir,  
Had I the chastest temper, that frail flesh  
Could ever boast of, your strange usage of me,  
Would undermine it: to forsake my bed,  
Before my blood scarce relished the delights  
Attending on young nuptials, so that I  
Expect no anger from you, if I seek  
That from the charity of other men,  
Which your neglect (though you in duty owe it)  
Will not allow me.  Know. 
Well said sister.  Sir. Mar. 
Life she'll tell me straight  
She will retain before my face some slave,  
Some strong backed monster to perform her hot  
Desires with able activeness, the slow  
Motion of snails that carry on their heads  
Their shelly habitations to the pace  
Of my dull rage, is swift as erring flames,  
Which had it not been leaden winged; as sleep,  
Ere this had seized the monster.  Lady. 
Ha, ha, ha, the man is sure distracted, ha, ha, ha,  Pop. 
Heyday, here's laughing and crying both with a wind,  
As boys do, a juggler's but an ass to a right woman.  Lady. 
Good sir will you walk? the gentleman he's in a terrible sweat, should he stand still, he may chance catch an Ague.  Know. 
A Cardus posset were very sovereign for him, I perceive his fit is coming.  Lady. 
How do you husband, sweet heart, what not speak? I thought your jealousy ere this had driven you into France, but now I see you fear to be sea-sick, you have found me out it seems; I hope ere long you will provide Gossips for the child I go with, mark you duck.  Sir Mar. 
If I stay, my rage  
Will hurry me to mischief, better leave her  
To certain ruin, then betray myself  
To danger of it, when strong tides meet tides  
In a contracted channel, they their force,  
Resign to th' wearing of the troubled waves  
A frothier livery, then when Oceans  
Encounter with full liberty, the winds  
Imprisoned in the Caverns of the earth,  
Break out in hideous earthquakes, passions so  
Increase by opposition of all scorns,  
'tis most opprobrious to be armed with horns.  Ex. Sir. Mar. Lady. 
He leaves you here sir as his spy, does he not?  
Pray wait upon your master, I suppose he is so.  Pop. 
Pardon me Madam, he is my uncle.  Lady. 
Which of his sister's sons are you?  Pop. 
The Lady Popingays.  Lady. 
My x Harry Popingay; I cry your mercy sir: your good mother knows, and grieves I'm sure, to see her brother wrong me as he does: should I tell her how you dealt with me too, she would chide you soundly.  Pop. 
Your goodness Madam will forgive it on my submission and sorrow for it.  Know. 
we'll beg it for you sir.  Lady. 
Sister he has it, were it possible  
To work a reclamation on this man,  
From his fond jealousy, I would not wish  
A change to be an Empress.  Enter Dalinea. Dal. 
Madam, my mother does entreat your ladyship's company in your chamber, Mrs. Mixum has brought the conserves my father did appoint her.  Pop. 
'tis the same face, or else some Angel does  
Assume this shape to mock mortality,  
With the true form of beauty.  Lady. 
Nephew pray see us oftener, and use all means to gain your distracted uncle from his frenzy, sister shall's walk; Dalinea be it your care to see my Nephew forth.  Exe. Lady and Knoworth. Dal. 
I shall Madam.  Pop. 
Life, she speaks too  
A tempting language, such was our first mother's voice,  
While she was innocent, most perfect woman.  Dal. 
Would you have aught with me sir?  Pop. 
Yes bright virtue.  Dal. 
That title relishes flattery for aught you know: I may be vicious.  Pop. 
Goodness deludes itself then,  
I cannot flatter Lady, you mistake me:  
What I shall speak, comes from an innocence  
Yet undefiled by falsehood.  Dal. 
Speak quickly, if it concern me, otherwise I must  
Entreat a licence to depart.  Pop. 
You cannot afford example of such cruelty  
To following Lovers, to deprive my sight so soon  
Of yours, for whose least view, the dark Cimmerian, blinded  
With continual sleep, would rouse his heavy eyelids.  Dal. 
Nay, and you begin to run a compliment out of breath,  
You'll drive me hence indeed: (believe me sir) had I not liked  
You well, my modesty would scarce have suffered the least  
Interchange of words (but since it has done) pray be brief,  
What tends your conference to?  Pop. 
I love you Lady  
With the religious fancy, that one Saint  
Affects another; such a heat as mine  
Was that, with which the first whoe'er knew love,  
Had their souls warmed (essential) not as now  
The common garb is to adore a lip,  
Or any other lineament, but for  
The abstract of perfection, which does glory  
In being derived from one so good as you are,  
Am I become your captive.  Dal. 
This to me, sounds as the empty whistling of the air  
Does in some hollow vault, unspotted truth  
Informs my ignorance, there's not a person  
In all the multitude of men loves chastely.  Pop. 
Be so charitable  
As to believe I can, who never yet  
Knew flame was vicious, my desires retain  
Their maiden purity, no other object  
Did ere attract my soul's unblinded eyes, but your fair self.  Dal. 
Then I believe you sir,  
No man will be so worthless to dissemble  
With me, who cannot think but all the world  
Intends the same reality that I do:  
Yet 'tis an error, which persuasion scarce  
Shall free me from: that every woman ought  
To love a man with that indifferent heat  
She fancies other women, without sense  
Of difference twixt the Sexes.  Pop. 
Soul of sweetness,  
How equally an angel's intellect  
Informs her sacred Reason: to love chastely,  
Could not have been defined with juster strictness,  
Had we produced the constancy of Swans,  
Or never changing Turtles, as our patterns,  
(T'had but described chaste love) the Palm that prospers,  
(Not but by's fellow) and the Vine that weaves  
Of her own leaves a thin, yet glorious mantle  
For her naked lover. Do but emblem what  
Her truth has uttered: but resolve me fair one,  
Could you affect so?  Dalin. 
If that were all  
Requisite to love, I could; but there's obedience  
A Nuptial wreath brings with it, which I fear  
My frailty would scarce keep, and to become  
Perfidious to a vow were such a sin  
As I should quake to think of.  Pop. 
You allege  
Vain difficulties: I perceive your looks  
Would be propitious to me, did your will,  
Ashamed perhaps to suffer sudden conquest,  
Not play the Tyrant with them, and call back  
The crimson Nectar from your well-formed cheek  
To guard your heart from yielding: come, let's kiss,  
The modest heat proceeding from my lips  
Will thaw your soul to softness.  Dal. 
Away, we may not;  
If true— chaste love had rested in discourse,  
I could have been its votary, but a thought  
Of any thing beyond it, is to me  
Dangerous as sickness: farewell sir.  Ex. Dal. Pop. 
Sure some white Cherubin,  
Coming to teach the irreligious earth  
The ancient truth; in its swift flight to heaven,  
Pronounced that happy farewell to the souls  
Its music had converted, I've not lost  
In my first trial, like some venturous man,  
Who finds the Indies, though he get small wealth,  
Yet he sets forth again, in hopes at last  
To lade his winged vessel: I'll return.  
That fire's not out, which does in Ashes burn.  Exit. 
Explicit Actus secundus.   

Actus Tertius, Scena Prima.  Sconce solus, dressing his weapon. Scon. 
SO, now it works: the operation I believe is not on the sudden, and my wound rankles as fast as if he had run his Rapier through a Head of Garlic, or washed it in Aqua fortis; and this weapon salve, so much extolled byth' Twibill Knights, commended by Mixum, deified by Urinal, and adored by my believing self, procures no more miraculous effect, than if it were unguentum album. Well, I am confident yet, there's no defect i'th' unguent; my blood, my blood is sure anathemated; carries some cursed impediment about it, that disannuls the virtue and incomparable force of the divine salve. This Dutch blood of mine, guilty of Bacon grease, and potted Butter— Soft, who are these? my cousin Fortress, General of the Twibill Knights; and his assistant Pirke, with Mr. Mixum; 'twere a detriment to valour to complain before them.  Enter Mixum, Fortress, and Pirke. Mix. 
Yonder's your x talking to himself: pray Gentlemen draw near. Mr. Sconce I brought these friends to visit you.  Scon. 
Thanks good Mr. Mixum, x Fortress, and my Diminutive Captain Pirke; give your hands, you are welcome, very welcome.  For. 
Health to the Weathercock of my Kin, the noble signior Jeremias Sconce.  Pirke. 
Propitious, and auspicious be thy stars, man of renown and merit: ha thy arm in sling my Palmerin: Confusion Captain Fortress, he wears a wound about him.  Scon. 
No, no, a touch, a mere touch, a Fleabite, Captain Pirke.  Mix. 
Is't not recovered by the salve Mr. Sconce?  Scon. 
Yes, as good as whole; the weapon salve will remedy it.  Fort. 
Yes, past all chance it will: 'twill mundify and purge your body x: I use to combat three of four at once, every spring, purposely to be let blood a little: it does me good all the year after.  Scon. 
I am very glad of it. But tell me x Fortress, how fares it with the residue of the blades, the valiant Twibill Knights, the famous brethren, do they walk in Coat gelt, or all a mode in Dunkirk Cloaks?  Mix. 
Those fashioned Cloaks I never heard of before: I marvel my Tailor gets not a pattern of them; Pray sir, what is a Dunkirk Cloak?  Pirke. 
Not know a Dunkirk upper garment, a leaguer Cloak; behold my Io, this Cane, this staff of office; this we style the Military Caster.  Mix. 
'twill hardly keep a shower of rain out that.  Scon. 
Are they confined to Chamber still, for want of Boots, or Linen? I love to hear of their prosperities.  Fort. 
Why x they are well, but in the accustomed garb, the frugal brim, and petty feather: they expect most carefully thy admittance into our Order.  Scon. 
'Tshall be done after my wedding x. I have got, dost hear, sirrah Pirke a girl of mettle, the doctor's daughter Bully, Fortress. Flesh of Milk and Roses Blade.  For. 
But x, 'tis necessary, you enroll yourself into the Family before you wed: our order, like the Knights of Malta, does admit no persons espoused: but with this difference, if they receive the Order Bachelors, they may then marry and yet retain the title.  Scon. 
Say you so x?  For. 
Certain truth my Io: we met upon our grand Exchange last night, our place of trade and consultation, and there concluded some decrees, necessary for supporting our Commonwealth.  Pir. 
How perdition Captain? how durst you meet without me? or conceit that decree valuable, which the voice of Captain Pirke has not assented to. Refuse me sir, the brethren of the Blades shall me their bold confrontment: vengeance do you take me for a boy, or some Pigwiggin? consult without me?  Scon. 
Patience, good Captain Pirke, I would fain hear them.  Pirk. 
He reads his neck-verse, reads them in my presence: Death rob me of the privilege of my place and dignity Captain, confound you, I could show you Twibill for it.  Mix. 
What does this Tom Thumb mean trow?  For. 
Why sirrah Dandiprat, you might have given attendance.  Pirke. 
What without a summons, you can send Jack Shirke your Beadle; to congregate the meaner branches of the Brotherhood, not a Pickpocket I warrant you, but had notice of it: and must I be forgotten? by my manhood 'tis base.  Scon. 
You have given the Captain too bold a touch Senior Pirke; thou art just like the Mouse to the Elephant, borne to vex him: but prithee for my sake let him read them.  Birke. 
Your sake prevails, or otherwise—  For. 
Attend then x Sconce; our Orders I'll assure you are such, as the most envious Justice, nor their Goose-quill Clarks, that smell at new Bridewell, and Finsbury shall not exclaim on. Imprimis, it is generally decreed.  Pirk. 
How, generally without me? Fire of Styx this is insufferable.  Scon. 
Good Captain Pirke, on x Fortress.  Fort. 
That no knight of the Twibill; as Whiskin or ally gentleman shall presume to lead or convey any of the sisters of the order, viz. Striker, Cockatrice, or Gynimeg through the watch after twelve, unless he see them asleep, or be in see with the Constable, under the penalty of being sent to the house of Correction.  Pirk. 
Renounce me sir, this order I'll not sign to, it savours of cowardice, fear to convey a sister through the watch, 'tis against Our noble institution  Fort. 
Next it is enacted, that none of the grooms of our wardrobe shall offer to deprive any man of cloak, coat, or hat, unless it be in the dark, as they fear to answer it at the next assizes, and be burned in the hand for it.  Scon. 
'twould be a hot touch for them x Fortress.  Fort. 
Next it is decreed, that the receivers of our rents and customs, to wit divers Rooks, and Saint Nicholas Clerks shall certainly use no more slights to get more than they can clearly come off with, under penalty of being carried up Holborn in a cart, and at Tyburn executed, which may tend to the dissolution of our whole fraternity.  Scon. 
But have you concluded nothing for the sisters, I long to hear them?  Fort. 
O yes x, we have confined them to a certain price, a stipend reasonable, so that they shall not need to dive into pockets.  Scon. 
They will do that if you would hang them x.  Pirk. 
I do disclaim that order, Captain Fortress. your wisdom should have well considered at what charge they are, for coach or hand litter, specially those of the gentile garb, next their ushers must be maintained, paint paid for, clothes, provided and the matron satisfied, these things considered, could you be so cruel as to confine them to a price by valour sir, I am ashamed on't.  Fort. 
'tis mended by the next order, they are prescribed from wearing Plush and Satin, unless in petticoats.  Scon. 
You will not have them like the jews at Rome wear party coloured garments, to be known from Christians?  Fort. 
By no means sir, we would have every one take notice of them, but Marshals men, Beadles, and Constables, and therefore have ordained that they shall wear Beaver Hats, Poked Russes, Grogram Gowns, or at the best wrought Taffeta, Fox Skin muffs, Mohair petticoats, Bodkins and Cross-cloths edged with gold lace.  Mix. 
This is the habit of our Rotterdamians.  Fort. 
The only shape to hide a striker in: ever while you  
Live, your city is most secure from officers, and most  
Notorious to gentlemen, they will take up your city beware at  
Any rate. Besides while they slanted it in plush,  
'Twas an abuse to gentlewomen and Ladies, we have erred in  
Questioning them for females of our tribe, and had our pates  
Broke for it.  Scon. 
But x is this edict generally confirmed by all the society of the Twibillers' Knights and Ladies.  Fort. 
'tis universal x, only for Captain Pirke's name, we left a blank, there's the decree sir, read it if you please.  Pirk. 
'twas the safest course to leave a blank for me, or I had  
Blanked your whole decree! I had by magnanimity.  Scon. 
Imprimis, I Captain Furibundo Fortress.  Mix. 
A fearful name that same.  Scon. 
Knight great master of the order of Twibill: Lord of no  
Cloak, Viscount Ratan, cane and one spur.  Mix. 
You are but an ill cock of the game it seems.  Scon. 
Count frieze, grey Felt, and money-lack, Duke of Turnbull, Bloomesbury, and Rotten Row, Lord paramount of all garden-alleys, Gun Ally, and Rosemary Lane.  Mix. 
He has more titles than the great Turk. Proceed sir.  Scon. 
Chief commander of all Twibills, dangerfield and whiskins, who will quarrel in Taverns with a man, and not fight in the field with a mouse. And of the residue of the fraternities of huffs, divers dams and decoys, sole sultan and grand signeur, have to the premises set my mighty hand, together with hands of our trusty and our courageous assistants (this blank's for you Captain Pike) Holofernes Makeshift, Rosiran Knockdowne, and twenty six more of our principal companions of the order.  Fort. 
Nay there are others too, bury not their appellations in oblivion, they merit memory.  Scon. 
To which at our command also are subsigned our most illustrious and remarkable sisters (they are slit nosed perhaps) (there was a touch for them x Fortress) Donna Isabella, Garreta, mother of the maids of Lambeth Marsh, with her conspicuous consort, at the three skipping coneys in the town. (a touch that) you mean the three Squirrels, you are cunning x Fortress, together with our most industrious servant Pythagoras' Pig.  Pirk. 
I gave him that name from his transmigration into cast suits, who has put his petty toes to it, and finally the woman that sings ballads, has her name trundled at the tail of it.  Mix. 
I marvel master Doctor has not set his hand to this.  Scon. 
Sealed with the seal at arms of our order, viz. Three Rooks volant in a field sanguine, two broken jugs the supporters, and a Twibill for the crest, and given the second day of this present month, at our mansion royal, or place of meeting in the long graveled walks in our usual fields.  Enter Doctor, Urinal, Freewit, Sir Martine. Sir Mar. 
Well Master Doctor you'll remember me,  
And have an eye unto my nephew, I trust  
Her with you. Farewell sir.  Exit Sir Mart. Doct. 
Doubt it not good sir Martine.  Fort. 
Captain Pirke pray retire unto the brothers of our  
Society: entreat them to prepare again tomorrow, for  
My x Sconces enfeoffment.  Pi●k. 
Upon compulsion sir, I should refuse, marry on fair entreaty I do fly, good and high fates look on you.  Ex. Pirk. Doct. 
Son Sconce (I'm bold to call you so) how does your at me?  Scon. 
Indifferent sir, but yet I have not found  
That rare effect i'th' weapon salve you spoke of,  
Urinal I fear since it cured the two sergeants and their  
Yeomen, the virtue has been much extenuated.  Doct. 
'twas your ill dressing the weapon: give me your sword son, this is of the right salve the welsh Doctor makes, this shall save my credit. (Anoints the weapon.) Now Urinal take this weapon, lap it warm in linen clothes, and lock it in my son, your anguish son will soon be mitigated.  Scon. 
I have a touch of it already sir.  Fre. 
I have seen experience of this weapon salve, and by its most mysterious working known some men hurt, past the help of surgery recovered.  Mix. 
Mark you that master Sconce, the gentleman may be believed.  Free. 
Yet I cannot  
With my laborious industry invent  
A reason why it should do this, and therefore  
Transcending natural causes, I conclude  
The use unlawful.  Scon. 
He is unlawfully begotten sir, dares term it so, there was a touch for him x Fortress; I called him son of a whore, and he would take no notice of it.  Doct. 
But pray sir, why should it be unlawful?  Free. 
'cause Conscience and religion disallow  
In the recovery of our impaired healths,  
The assistance of a medicine made by charms,  
Or subtle spells of witchcraft.  Scon. 
his mother was a witch, says this maid, so there was another touch for him x Fortress, son of a witch, but he understands not that neither.  Doct. 
Conceive you this to be compounded so?  Free. 
I'll prove it master Doctor.  Scon. 
The proof of a pudding is the eating, in your teeth sir, a pudding in his teeth: you know what I mean x Fortress, another touch for him, but als one, he has wit in's anger, and will not understand me.  Fort. 
If he durst blunder for it x Sconce.  Free. 
Yet to avoid a tedious argument,  
Since our contention's only for discourse,  
And to instruct my knowledge, pray tell me,  
A me you not tha this same salve will cure  
At any distance (as if the person hurt  
Should be at York) the weapon, dressed at London,  
On which his blood is.  Doct. 
All this is granted 'twill.  Scon. 
Nay we'll grant you more sir (that it will not) and yet prove it, and you shall prove yourself a (so you shall.) There had been another touch for him x Fortress, but I feared he would have understood me now, ere you shall prove it.  Fort. 
Silence x Sconce, let's hear the whiffler if he cannot verify his words, sink me my Jo, he shall taste arm of dangerfield.  Free. 
Out of your words sir I'll prove it Diabolical, no cause  
Natural; begets the most contemned effect,  
Without a passage through the means, the fire  
cannot produce another fire until  
it be applied to subject apt to take  
Its flaming form, nor can a natural cause,  
Work at incompetent space: how then can this  
Neither consigned to th' matter upon which  
Its operation is to cause effect;  
Nay at so far a distance, work so great  
And admirable a cure beyond the reach  
And law of nature; yet by you maintained,  
A natural lawful agent, what dull sense can credit it.  Scon. 
Very authentic this, well if the devil have ta'en the pains to be my surgeon, my arm I fear will be possessed, I feel an evil spirit in it already.  Fort. 
Respect the doctor's answer.  Doct. 
Sir, you speak reason, I must confess, but every cause  
Works not the same way; we distinguish thus:  
Some by a Physical and real touch  
Produce: So Carvers hewing the rough Marble,  
Frame a well polished statue: but there is  
A virtual contact too: which other causes  
Employ in acting their more rare effects,  
So the bright Sun does in the solid earth,  
By the infusive virtue of his rays,  
Convert the for did substance of the mould  
To Mines of mettle, and the piercing air  
By cold reflection so engenders Ice;  
And yet you cannot say the chilly hand  
Of air, or quickening fingers of the Sun,  
Really touch the water or the earth.  
The Loadstone so by operative force,  
Causes the Iron which has felt his touch,  
To attract another Iron; nay, the Needle  
Of the ship guiding compass, to respect  
The cold Pole Arctic; just so the salve works,  
Certain hidden causes convey its powerful  
Virtue to the wound from the anointed  
Weapon, and reduce it to welcome soundness.  Scon. 
The salve is legitimate again, x Fortress, O rare Doctor  Mix. 
Nay, you shall hear him tickle the gentlemen I warrant you.  Free. 
This, Mr. Doctor, is  
A weak evasion, and your purities  
Have small affinity; the glorious Sun  
As 'tis a general instrument of heaven,  
In all its great productions, and the Air  
An Elemental agent, naturally  
Engender Metals in the earth, and Ice  
On the self frizzling waters: The Loadstone  
As 'tis a simple body, may afford  
That virtue to the steel by secret power  
Of all-commanding nature. But that this,  
This weapon salve, a compound, should affect  
More than the purest bodies can, by ways  
More wonderful than they do, as applied  
Unto a sword a body void of life,  
Yet it must give life, or at least preserve it.  Scon. 
Pish, he talks like an Apothecary to the Doctor.  Doct. 
You mistake, it does not,  
'tis the blood sticking to the sword achieves  
The cure: there is a real sympathy  
Twixt it, and that which has the juice of life,  
Moistens the body wounded.  Fort. 
Rare Paracelsian, thy Annals shall be cut in Brass by  
Pen of steel.  Free. 
You may as well  
Report a real sympathy between  
The nimble soul in its swift flight to heaven,  
And the cold carcase it has lately left,  
As a loathed habitation: blood, when like  
The sap of Trees, which weeps upon the Axe  
Whose cruel edge does from the aged Trunk  
Dissever the green Branches from the Veins,  
Ravished, foregoes his Native heat, and has  
No more relation to the rest, than some  
Desertless servant, whom his Lord casts off,  
Has to his virtuous fellows.  Enter Mistress Knoworth. Know. 
Mr. Freewit returned again, and in discourse  
With Mr. Doctor: I'll not disturb your conference.  Doct. 
So please your Ladyship we had even done.  
I am glad she's come to rescue me.  Scon. 
There was a touch for him x Fortress, victus, victa, victum, he looks like a Schoolboy vanquished at capping verses: hark you sir, repent your error, and in time you may be saved; you see the virtue of the salve the Doctor had dressed his Speaking weapon with it. It hurt you, and it has cured you Beware you fall not into a relapse: there was another touch for him x  Fortress. 
Doctor give your hand (father I should have said) some famed Historian, some Gallobelgicus shall Chronicle thee and thy salve, there was a touch for him x Fortress. Come you shall see my Mistress.  Exeunt Sconce, Fortress, Mixum, and Doctor. Know. 
Mr. Freewit have you yet found the injured  
Woman out, I motioned at last parting?  Free. 
Truly Mistress, had she been worthy the seeking, your  
Command should not have been protracted, but  
'Twere a stain to my own honour to be inquisitive  
After a prostitute, and a blot to your  
Discretion, should nice judgements know you enjoined me  
So manifest a folly.  Know. 
'Twas a greater to be the author of her shame,  
Whom now you slight so infinitely.  Free. 
Could I slight her more,  
'Twere a due justice which I owe myself,  
(In hazarding the forfeit of your love)  
Undone by her, but your most serious thoughts  
Will sure convert your soul from the intent  
Of my most certain ruin, which your last  
Discourse perhaps, for trial of my faith,  
Seemed to invert upon me.  Know. 
You mistake; needless are second trials, when a first  
Proves you perfidious; doubtless you confirmed  
Your love to her, with the same sad protests  
You've done to me (yet left her) for her sake,  
And in revenge of woman's innocence, martyred by you,  
I here to heaven pronounce a sure disjunction  
Of our loves and vows for ever.  Free. 
O reserve that breath,  
Which ought like sacred incense to be spent  
Only on heaven, or in delivering notes  
May charm the world to peace, when raging wars  
Or Earth quakes have affrighted it. Confirm't  
On no such use, horrid and ominous,  
As if it threatened thunder to the earth,  
Or would infect the genius of the air  
With Mists contagious (as if composed  
Of Viper steam) O had you were wont  
To be so good, that virtue would have sighed  
(At the unwelcome spectacle) if you  
Had appeared woman in a passion,  
(Though of the slightest consequence) O do not  
Renounce that Saintlike temper, it will be  
A change hereafter burdenous to your soul,  
As sin to one, who all his life time blessed  
With peace of Conscience, at his dying minute,  
Falls into mortal enmity with heaven,  
And perishes eternally.  Know. 
These words  
Have not the effectual Oratory you first had,  
When I was confident, as day of light,  
Your youth had been as destitute of vice  
As of deformity. So a sweet stream,  
Whose bubbling harmony allured the Birds  
To court its moving music, when it mixes  
With impure waters, with the noise affrights  
The ears, before delighted in it.  Free. 
This is too severe a Justice, and extends  
To cruelty, had some intemperate rage  
Purpled my hand in murder (though the guilt  
Would have been written in a larger Text  
In Conscience black book; yet the punishment  
Had not been half so hideous. I should for that  
Have suffered but a temporary pain  
At worst; and my truly repentant soul  
Perhaps have had free entrance to the place  
consigned to penitents, when now, like so me  
Manacled Captive, or diseased wretch,  
On whom each minute does beget a death:  
I like a slow fire by my own soft flames,  
With Tortoise speed extinguish.  Know. 
Sir, your words are superficial, as a shadow which  
The morning Sun produces and black night  
Renders forgotten: and no more excite  
Belief in me: that what you utters truth,  
Then Manned rakes groans do a conceit of death  
In persons resolute, while I have yet  
A specious memory left, that once my heart  
Tendered you dearly; I would counsel you  
First to endeavour to find out that maid,  
(If that succeed not) not to think on me,  
As one affianced to you by a nearer interest than other women  
Are that never had conversation with you.  Free. 
Had a frost, sharp as a tedious winters Northern blasts,  
Congealed your mercy, my unfeigned tears  
Should with moist warmth dissolve it, mistress you  
Approach so near the attributes of heaven,  
That had you lived i'th' superstitious age,  
More precious gums had fumed upon your altars,  
Then on all female deities. O forgive me,  
A rigorous tyrant's breath will scarce pronounce  
For one and the first crime, so strict a sentence:  
You shall not go yet if you will recall it,  
Lovers will bless your piety, and sub scribe to your  
Superlative goodness.  Know. 
Pray desist, afford me liberty to retire, I cannot alter my resolution.  Free. 
Yet reclaim it; some devil's spleen has lately fraught  
Your breast, and banished thence mild de pity, (boisterous winds,  
Force so the gentle and untroubled seas,  
To swallow up some ships, its natural calmness  
Would have transported safely with their wealth  
To their desired harbours) were my thoughts,  
Not fixed with that religion upon you  
That are my prayers (when I repent) on heaven,  
I should not thus transcend the laws and strength  
Of manhood, and like some distressed babe  
Left by its parent to the desolate woods,  
Or airs cold charity, so long implore  
A new and holier union twixt our souls,  
Then ere had linked them which when you have tied,  
Time shall depend like summer on your brow,  
And your whole life be one continued youth,  
(Such were the springs in paradise) and when  
You pass to be a sharer in heaven's bliss,  
Virgins and innocent lovers spotless tears,  
Hardened to pearl by the strong heat of sighs  
Shall be your monument.  Know. 
I shall relent spite of my settled will, if be continued  
These moving supplications: Sir because  
You shall not blame my cruelty, or judge  
'tis for regard of any thing but my honour,  
I do forsake you, if ere tomorrow night  
You find that woman, get her to renounce  
Freely her title to you, I again  
On promise of your future loyalty  
Will stand the trial of your wavering faith,  
Perhaps be yours again: you have  
Received my utmost meaning,  Exit Know. Free. 
How I adore  
This constancy of worth in her, though  
It make against myself, well I must to my task,  
That labour's richest that most pains doth ask.  
Explicit Actus tertius.   

Actus Quartus, Scena prima.  Enter Doctor and Lady Yellow. Doct. 
'tIS a strange humour Madam, and condemns  
Your judgement of much indiscretion,  
Did I not know it lawful; nay no way  
But that for the recovery of your health,  
I should not urge it thus, you are lately fall'n  
Into a desperate melancholy, and your blood  
Can no way purge so well as by  
Performance of what I have declared.  Lady. 
Truth sir I weigh not at so high a rate, my life  
That to prolong it to an irksome age,  
I should destroy my honour, neither do I  
Find any such strange sickness raining on me  
As you have urged; pray as you love me sir,  
Unless you mean to drive me from  
The house, repeat this argument no more.  Enter Sir Martine and Urinal. Vrin. 
Why look you sir, my master has  
Persuaded her as much as lay in him, and  
He has a tongue able to cozen the devil: but 'twill not do,  
She is too honest believe it, for your nephew Sir Martine, she  
His kept her chamber ever since she came,  
None but myself has seen her.  Sir Mar. 
It shall be so, the holy law of heaven  
Made us one individual; the strict league  
twixt man and wife, aught to confine both souls  
To a most constant union, injured woman.  Lady. 
My husband and on the sudden, speak you to me sir.  Vrin. 
His mouth opened I'm sure, sir the Dutch Gentleman.  Doct. 
O my son Sconce, come hither Urinal.  Lady. 
This acknowledgement cannot  
Be serious from him, good Sir Martine  
Has your wild fancy not imposed enough,  
Temptations on my frailty that you come after  
So many strange indignities, again to delude me.  Sir Mar. 
'tis misery of customary sinners when they mean  
A real truth, than their precedent ills,  
Deprive it credit, Madam not that night,  
That sacred night which spread its starry wings,  
(Like Curtains shadowing the Altar) o'er  
Our Hymeneal couch, could witness more  
Sincerity of indissolving love twixt us,  
Then does this minute, if your soul,  
(Which is so passive it may justly challenge  
A martyr's temper) can dispense with passed  
Absurd distastes, and like a Saint for humane  
Condition is too vengeful freely pardon  
What I amiss have acted.  Lady. 
As you are my husband sir, and consequently my head.  Vrin. 
How many Ladies in town are of that mind.  Lady. 
And aught to be the guider of my youth,  
I will not stand on that nice term of honour,  
With you whom duty ties me to observe  
With more than superficial care, t'enjoin  
A penance for your folly; the light smoke  
Finds not a surer burial in the a ire  
(To whose embraces with ambitious haste.  
On azure wings it soared) then has your guilt,  
In this forgiving bosom, this pure kiss seals the agreement.  Sir Mar. 
She offered first too, and methought she kissed  
As she would eat my lips, the ravenous touch  Sir Mar. starts. 
Of her hot flesh has seared me up like grass  
In summer time, and her foul breath like blasts  
Of Southern winds, has quickened my dead fire  
Of jealousy, nay raised it to a greater  
Heat than my former.  Lady. 
What ail you sir on the sudden?  Sir Mar. 
Viper, toad, out of my presence, ere my just waked  
Rage, get to its height, whence like a Falcon towering  
At full pitch o'er the trembling fowl, it will seize on thee.  Doct. 
Madam 'tis best to leave him, I fear he's absolutely frantic; Urinal look to him, lest he act some violence on himself, please your Ladyship withdraw.  Lady. 
Soft patience guard my heart: where's no offence, one safely may rely on innocence.  Exit Lady and Doctor. Vrin. 
Why sir Martine, how do you sir? not speak? now by my life, he looks like a staggerel newly come to his Horns, flings his head just in that manner they do not touch the ceiling, yet Sir Martine: in time they may be three and four at top, and serve to hang hats and cloaks on in the best knights hall in town.  Sir Mar. 
O Urinal.  Vrin. 
O Urinal, what a pitiful note was there, that very sound has almost cracked me to pieces: Sir Martine, good Sir Martine what ails you? or rather what ails your wife, that you hum and haw so after kissing her, her breath is savoury, I dare be sworn she has neither eaten Onions nor drunk Aquavitae.  Sir Mar. 
O no, she is like a too ripe, so extremely sweet,  
She poisons like the honey which small Bees  
Suck from the Aconite, the Panther so  
Breathes odours precious as the Sarmatic gums  
Of Eastern groves, but the delicious scent not taken in at  
Distance chokes the sense with the too musky savour.  Vrin. 
You should have kissed her as the Court fashion is, upon the cheek, but pray sir, why are you so jealous: yet cannot prove your Lady has a trick with her toe, or turns oftener than an honest woman (if she do) had not you better like an old Stag, cast the cognisance of your order into the hedge, then like a wanton Pricket, run full Butt at every one you meet, as who should say; take notice of my horns. I am ashamed of it so I am.  S. Mar. 
Dost not believe I am? a hideous cuckold.  Vrin. 
And must you needs cry Cuckoo therefore. There are knights in town who know their Ladies to be Hens o'th' game, and live by treading, yet like mettle Cocks they never hang the Gills for't, they are sure fair Gamesters use to pay the box well: especially at In, and In, (the Inns of Court Butlers would have had but a bad Christmas of it else) and what care they, so they can purchase plush, though their wives pay i'th' hole for it.  Sir Mar. 
Can there be such monsters?  Vrin. 
Monsters, they are men Sir Martine, such as you are; only they are velvet browed a little: but hear me Sir, if a man would venture fair offer to give a certain knowledge of your wife's honesty.  Sir Mar. 
Do that, and be my genius Urinal.  Vrin. 
You would have an evil Angel of me, I'll tell you sir, my master intends privately this night to wed his daughter to the Dutch younker Sconce, the house will be at-quiet, and your Lady left alone in her chamber, her sister Mistress Knoworth, being to go to Church with them.  Sir Mar. 
What of this?  Vrin. 
Soft and fair Sir Martine, I will i'th' evening steal you into the Lady's chamber when she's in bed, come to her, and in the dark, (that's the only time to deal with a woman) (and as another man) try what you can do with her: if she consent (the worst) you do but cuckold yourself, if hold out, being a woman alone, in bed, and in the dark having a man standing by her, you may then conclude her an honest wife, and your jealousy foolish, as your vexation needless, you think I have no wit now I warrant.  Sir Mar. 
According as my soul could wish.  Vrin. 
Why la you then, who's the fool now? Sir Martine come in the evening, I will not fail you.  Sir Mar. 
Nor I hopes of trial, fare you well,  
A jealous man has in his heart his hell.  Ex. Sir Mar. Vrin. 
well knight, if I do not fit your jealous head, let me be sung in ballads for an erranter coxcomb than yourself.  Enter Mistress Artless, Mistress Mixum, and Dalinea. Mist. Art. 
Well said minx, you will not have him: but you had best consider and do as I and your father would have you: or you shall trudge for it, you shall be his wife.  Mist. Mix. 
Nay in sadness Mistress Dal. you are too blame, the gentleman is an honest gentleman, I and a kind man I warrant him to a woman; your mother and I have made trial of him, and find him of a very good disposition, come chick you shall have him.  Mrs. Art. 
Nay let her choose and be hanged, proud baggage who will refuse a gentleman of my own choosing, but I'll send him to you and see if thou dar'st deny him, for thy life, come Mistress Mixum.  Exeunt Mistress Artless and Mistress Mixum. Dal. 
Was ever innocent virgin thus betrayed  
By cruelty of parents, who for wealth  
Have sold my youth to slavery, the cold  
Ashes of injured maids surround my heart,  
Or some divine dew, stead of blood replenish  
My swelling veins, circle my thought with Ice,  
Thou power of chastity, that like the fresh  
Primrose uncropped, by any hand, I may  
Return myself as pure and white  
To earth, as when I came from't.  Vrin. 
How do you Mistress Dal. alas poor gentlewoman, would they have thee covered with a Friesland horse, a Dutch Stallion: now shame upon their souls that wish it, he's neighing here already.  Enter Sconce. Scon. 
Urinal, my x Fortress and the rest o'th' Knights will be here presently; pray you prepare the music and the wine, I would not fail in the most diminute ceremony.  Vrin. 
Of a most absolute coxcomb, I shall provide them sir.  Exit Urinal. Dal. 
Now begins my horror, the fatal Bell should it proclaim my death, were sphere-like music to his night-crow's voice; yet I must hear it and retain my sense, continue subject to a daily noise from the ill boding monster.  Scon. 
Lady or Mademoiselle, Ufroe or Seniora, what you please, or in what language to be entitled the Mistress of my thoughts, the complemental garb is customary, and though I have learned by conversation with the Twibill Knights to kiss my hand, believe me I had rather bestow my lips on yours; our natural Dutch contracting is the best, without deceit or shadow, there we only go to th' tavern and be ungue browed, then drunk together. there's all our ceremony, and 'tis lawful marriage too.  Dal. 
Would you would sir, better consider with yourself and match where your own customs are observed, my fear my quality will never suit the liking of your Dutch manners.  Scon. 
manner's Lady, you mistake I've none at all; ere we will disagree about manners, I'll be as clownish as an Upland Bore, foutra, tell a Dutch man of manners?  Dal. 
Yet sir have so much charity.  Scon. 
We detest that worse than the former, 'tis Papistical, and was with that religion banished our reformed Commonwealth: but to our business, pretty soul, I shall give thee touch mon and get a burger of thee.  Dal. 
Gentle sir, there ought to be in manhood a divine  
Pity, believe me as I tender truth,  
I cannot set the smallest of my thoughts  
On your ill welcome love, therefore I beseech you  
Not to proceed in my unfortunate match  
Which will be fatal to us both, for goodness  
Have so much mercy on me.  Scon. 
An excellent touch that, as if there could be mercy in a dutchman, and to a woman? if there had been any, the Nuns at Tilmont had not been used so horribly last summer: why should you say you cannot love me 'tis a false touch I me certain of it, I shall know anon, till when receive your lips in pledge that no such words shall issue forth of them, adieu Lady, anon we must to the old touch of Matrimony.  Ex. Sco. Dal 
The hand of death  
Shall give me first a bride to some dark grave,  
Where I will mix with worms before the Priest  
Knit so unjust an union, the kind grass  
Will sure be green still on my Sepulchre, and spotless  
Virgins annually dance a fairy ring about it.  Enter Urinal and Popingay in disguised clothes. Vrin. 
Now if you do not catch a Roach in her troubled waters, I shall conclude you a gudgeon: speak to her; a woman has ever a hole open to receive a man's tale, believe it you shall have my assistance, and if I do not second you confidently, may my tongue be cramped, my wit breeched; and the machina of my invention ruined perpetually.  Pop. 
Fairest creature.  Dal. 
Had you said wretched'st, Mistress you had given me  
My proper attribute.  Pop. 
Can there be on earth,  
A savageness so great as will conspire  
To afflict so rich a goodness? yet by your eyes  
Adorned by those clear pearls which do transform  
Even sorrow to a loveliness beyond  
Indifferent beauty, I conceive some fiend  
Rested in humane shape (for man would never  
Have dared so vile a sacrilege) in hope  
By your pure tears, t'extinguish his own flames  
Caused this distemper in you.  Vrin. 
Pish you are long to speed, be  
Short and quick, that pleases Ladies.  Pop. 
I had a younger brother, though not fully blessed  
In your sweet knowledge, yet once his tongue  
Was his hearts bold ambassador, and delivered  
A true narration of his zealous love,  
Which is in him so permanent, that when  
his ears receive a notice that your faith  
Is plighted to another, 'twill be juice  
Of baleful hemlock to his brain, convert it  
Either to sudden madness or asleep, cold and everlasting.  Dol. 
I remember once a nephew of Sir Martin's did solicit  
That which he termed my love, but I conceived  
His meaning rather was to cause discourse,  
Then that his strict intention had resolved  
His promises performance.  Vrin. 
Did I not tell you she would come about?  Pop. 
Trust me Lady, the solitary Nightingale who sings  
To her lost honour a harmonious ditty,  
Loves not the thorn so dearly, to whose pricks  
She sets her feathered bosom, as I me sure  
My brother tenders you, the gaudy light  
May sooner be obscured by wandering smoke:  
Nay the eternal essence of the soul  
Become corporeal and revisit earth,  
After its flight to paradise, ere he  
Descend to variation of his love, could you affect him.  Dal. 
Had your brother been  
Of the same disposition and soft sweetness  
That I perceive in you (though this be our  
First interview) there could not have been moulded  
(Had I been borne to entertain loves heat)  
A man that would so fitly sympathize  
With my condition, nor whom I should fancy  
With more entire perfection.  Vrin. 
Strike home, and sure the iron's hot already,  Pop. 
Behold him Lady,  
Whose every motion does as from the sphere,  
Receive a lively influence from your looks;  
The modest silence of the temperate Even,  
When zephire softly murmurs to the flowers  
A wholesome farewell undisturbed by storms,  
May sooner rest in one continued night,  
Then can my soul in quiet without just  
Assurance of your love, which if you grant,  
Times native bellman, the shield Organd Cock  
Shall cease to carol Matins to the morn,  
The early Lark that whispers to the Sun  
A constant Augury of a beauteous day,  
Shall lose his light plumes in the checkered Clouds,  
Ere I my resolute chastity, nor can you  
Invent evasions to declare my suit,  
Since on its grant relies the only hopes  
Of your redemption from the barbarous arms,  
Of him you were espoused to.  Dal. 
This surprise,  
And your strong vows would batter a resolve,  
Down in a breast that could be flexible  
To easy love, but since I cannot frame  
My conscience to a warrantable zeal  
Toward any man, I'll rather fix my hate  
(For that must of necessity accrue  
To him that weds me) on a person worthy  
Contempt, then on yourself, whose worth does challenge  
A noble and reciprocal regard  
For your affection, blessings on ye sir, think not amiss of me.  Exit Dalinea. Vrin. 
Now the curse of a tedious virginity light on ye, you will not be tupped by a Dutch Ram, a Hausen Kender, a West-fally boar-pig, now the iniquity of a swag-bellied holland's Burghers get thee with child of a dropsy, if thou marriest him, why how now Master Popingay, strooken with a Planet? 'tis a female Star, as changeable as the Moon, go to your chamber, I hear company approaching, this Dutch Butter-Firkin shall be melted to grease ere he shall have her, trust to it.  Pop. 
Passion on passion fall when hopes are spent,  
The best of comforts is a forced content.  Exit. Vrin. 
So here comes my blades, now plot but hit,  
And Urinal shall be styled the Lord of wit.  Exit. Enter Sconce, Fortress, and Knights. Scon. 
x Fortress welcome, welcome Captain Pirke, valiant brothers, nay gentlemen, than your accoutrements be of the vulgar cut, be not daunted, 'tis hereditary to Low Country soldiers to wear off reckonings, the time shall come the little worm shall weave, and silken tribute pay to men of service, give me your hands gentlemen, I shall be one of you anon, but x Fortresse, what bashful youth is that that dares not thrust his nose out of his coat, for fear the wind should blow it to his face, ha?  Fort. 
'tis flat enough already, this my Jo, nay show thy Phisnomy, he's our quondam trusty attendant, but now Knight of the Twibill, Pythagoras Pig.  Scon. 
Is this the famous offspring of great hog? we should be kindred certainly, my Ancestors were Boars, give me thy fore-foot sirrah, and tell me coz, why dost not wander into a new skin? this begins to crackle vilely.  Pirk. 
O 'tis for want of basting sir.  Fort. 
No my Jo, he casts his skin but once a year, like the poor snake: well, he has done our Order special service; but coz, where are the preparations the van-courier's coz, to the solemnity of your installment? renounce me, if you vilify the institution by disregard of properties, this hand shall never cross the Twibill o'er thy head, nor give thee thy avant chevalier, while thou art mortal my Jo, I say I shall not.  Pirk. 
No matter sir Sconce, by the head of valour, myself shall dub thee.  Fort. 
Who you King twaddle? Mushroom you dub him?  Pirk. 
Yes, I Gog, Magog, I dub him Garantua.  Ent. Vrin. Scon 
Nay good x Fortress, Captain Pirke, this Urinal I could e'en fill him to the brim with curses, but here's my agent; come where are the musicianers Urinal?  Vrin. 
They will be loud enough by and by, I warrant you.  Fort. 
This is legitimate blood of the Spanish grape my Jo.  Scon. 
Lusty sack credit me coz, 'twill give the touch, Urinal make fast the door, and leave us, and give us notice if anybody approach.  Vrin. 
What haste this gull makes to cheat himself in private, must the music enter?  Exit Vrin. Fort. 
No by no means, we'll call to them through the door, varlet avoid.  
Now coz, to begin our ceremony; first, drink to me.  Scon: 
I like it well when it begins with drinks, 'tis a sign 'twill end merrily; this cup is abominable too little, one can scarce wet his whistle out of it, it shall be this goblet, a vostre grace, coz Fortress.  Fort. 
Sir Pythagoras we do create you skinker, it shall go round my blades, you shall dible in liquour of account; here brother Makeshift.  Make, 
Gramercies Captain.  Pirk. 
Choke you sir, learn manners, offer to drink before betters, 'tis an affront to seniority, destroy me if I can suffer this, no forsake me Captain I cannot.  Scon. 
There was a touch for you brother Makeshift, but good little Pirke be patient.  Mak. 
This Preface is very Canonical my Io, nay, I shall learn the phrases instantly.  Pig. 
Have you all had it brothers?  Pig. 
All but myself Sir Holofernes.  Scon. 
Who my coz Pig, off sup off thy wash my Jo, at worst thou canst but be swine-drunk; but coz, shall we dispatch? I long to be installed.  Fort. 
I now we'll to't, come hither Captain, sing the hymn preparatory to Knighthood, but wet your pipes first, Ganymede, they'll squeak the better.  Scon. 
An admirable touch this, what's next trow?  Song. Fort 
Now coz Sconce, our Order does constrain us to a frisk, a dance about you, as the Fairies tread about their great King Oberon.  Pirk. 
But can this music play the Twibill dance, none else will satisfy.  Scon. 
Music you must play the Twibill dance he says, dance so while.  Dance. 
They dance, the wine shall tread a sink apace into my belly, you have lost one of your best heels x.  Fort. 
No me Jo, 'twas off before the ceremony is half accomplished, you are our wardrobe keeper, brother Knockedowne have you brought the vestments of our Order?  Knocke. 
Fuse Captain not I.  Pirk. 
Rot me sir, you would be made to fetch them.  For. 
How, not our robes of honour the ensigns of our chevalry?  Knock. 
Sink me, sir you know they are in tribulation.  For. 
Hell take the Broker: we must perforce employ one of our own suits.  Knock 
Take my Buff Jerkin Captain.  Make. 
Death keep it on, you'll show your dirty shirt.  Pirke. 
Found you sir, you lie: I fathom in your guts, he has none on.  Make. 
How, son of foul Adultery, the lie?  For. 
What do you blunder, whifflers Pig, are you grunting too: shall I whet my Twibill on your bones mips of debility?  Scon. 
Nay, x, Gentlemen rather than you shall fall out, I'll be content to be dubbed in my own clothes: nay pray you Gentlemen.  For. 
'tis against order, and we must observe ceremony.  Scon. 
O by all means Coz.  For. 
First then receive this cap of maintenance.  Scon. 
Cap of Maintenance do you call it? I will maintain when this old Cap was new, 'twas a Dutch felt, but now 'tis nine degrees below a straw Hat; I do not like this touch: but Coz I shall have my Beaver again I hope?  Fort. 
How? suspicious my Io: Brother Knockdowne disrobe his neck of this old linen, savours of a winding-sheet: this is Decimo Sexto, fears no rumpling: Now x Sconce, you must discuss your doublet.  Scon. 
That will be damned instantly; pray heaven my skin scape.  For. 
Here sir, receive this Military Cassock, 't has seen service.  Scon. 
'Thas been shot through both the Elbows; this Military Cassock has I fear, some Military hang-byes: this Twibill Knighthood is but a lousy Order, would I had ne'er meddled with it.  Fort. 
Now you appear something above an embryo: Makeshift help to untruss his breeches.  Scon. 
I shall be whipped instantly: But cousin Fortress, is there no redemption for my Breeches?  Pirke. 
sum me Captain, 'tis not requisite he should put off his Breeches.  Scon 
Thanks good Captain Pirke, 'twas a friendly touch that  Pir. 
May not his transitory money serve to excuse his breeches?  Fort. 
To him it may.  Pir. 
A Twibill Knight ought to regard no money, but the glistering steel.  Scon. 
Well, since it must be so, there take my money.  Knock. 
Paw sir, you lose the privilege of the Order, if you respect your money.  Scon. 
Now do I look like— as if I were new come from the Lottery: or what say you Sir Holofernes, to the Picture of the Prodigal in the painted Cloth? Sure I have now performed all the Ceremonies; if not, I me sure I have nothing else left to perform withal.  Fort. 
So, now kneel down, while thus I thee create: Jeremias Sconce, Knight of the order of Twibill. Now avaunt Chevalier.  Omn. 
Health to our worthy Brother, Jeremias Sconce, Knight of the Twibill.  Fort. 
But brothers, there is Sack yet to be drunk, in Celebration of this Knighthood,  Scon. 
I like this drinking heartily; there's some goodness in't: will you begin, my Captain General; I'll call you so now.  Fort. 
Pythagoras, fill his Bowl up. Capt.. Pirk this Cornucopia To my Lieutenant general's health: I'll call you so now.  Scon. 
A place of Mark and Charge that.  Pirke. 
Man of valour, respect this Cup to the health of our Lieut. General General.  Mark. 
A vous brother Knockdowne.  Knock. 
Here Sir Barrabas.  Scon. 
Altogether gentlemen, a health Musicians, sound .Gentlemen all tres humblement serviture vostre: I ha' done you right.  Fort. 
Expect me Io; heart of my father, you must for consummation of your instalment, drink a cup a piece to each of us.  Scon. 
'twas my intention General: to you all in general, help Pith. let it be be two Captain, 'tis pity to put so many worthy men in a pint pot.  Perk. 
Soul of my valour, you're shipped sir, you must drink five together.  Scon. 
You're wanton Captain, a wag upon my Knighthood, you mean to measure the profundity of my belly, 'twill be a hard task to do it to a dutchman— look you Captain.  Fort. 
Thou shalt be my Bacchus Io, he drinks as if he had eaten Pickle Herring.  Scon. 
This Cup was as deep as Fleetstreet Conduit. Sound me my Io, I ha' made a new River in my Belly, and my Guts are the Pipes: Tother cup good wreckling, virtue shall be virtue still, so long as I can stand Captain.  Fort. 
That will not be long I hope.  Enter Vrin. Scon. 
This Choler spoils my drinking, or else this Sack has horseflesh in't, it rides upon my stomach. O Urinal, I'm a Knight of the Twibill honest Urinal.  Vrin. 
Take heed you'll crush me sir to pieces. Gentlemen yonder are the Constables at the door to apprehend Captain Fortress.  Scon. 
Some more sack sirrah, I shall be married anon.  For. 
That's I, 'tis for the linen brothers: Hell my Io, how shall I scape them?  Scon. 
More Sack sirrah, the t'other touch sweet Pig, the t'other touch.  Vrin. 
There is no way but one sir, they have beset the house; my Master is persuading them. Follow me, I'll by a back way set you safely out with your company.  For. 
Noble Urinal: come Blades here's purchase for us.  Exit Vrinall cum Knights. Scor. 
This is but four Cups captain x Pig. Skinke my parting Cup, and then I me gone: ha! where be you Gentlemen, I am not blind, or play you at Boe-peep? they are gone, this is a pretty touch, my touch my Io, with my money and Clothes, a prettier touch still, let me see, they have left some Sack behind them, there's my comfort yet.  Ent. popin. and Louring in woman's clothes. 
Who's this? my wife that must be.  
Come hither wife, thou seest the worst of me  
I am but drunk: Kiss me Borankee: never fear, I will not spoil thy gorget. Hark in thy ear my Io, shall I have a gentle touch? 'twill do no harm, we are to be married anon thou know'st; I shall get wise children on thee.  Lov 
What wouldst thou ravish me libidinous Swine? Strive, and thou diest.  strikes up his heels. Scon. 
'twas an unkind touch that, my Io, you might have fall'n under me, 't had been the fitter place for a woman, (pray help me up again.  Lov. 
Yes, to thy death, if thou deny t' perform what I enjoin thee.  Scon. 
How, kill a knight of the Twibill, and in the Ensigns of his own Order, ere it shall be said to the disgrace of Knighthood, that any of the fraternity was killed by a woman, I'll do any thing: Lead on, I'll follow you.  Pop. 
Thus they must strive,  
Who in loves subtle Merchandise will thrive.  Exeunt. 
Explicit Actus quartus.   

Actus Quintus, Scena prima.  Enter Doctor, Urinal, Mris Artless, and Mris. Mixum. Doct. 
THis stealth was unexpected, 'tis almost  
Beyond belief, my daughter should thus change  
Her perverse humour, and embrace his love  
Which when I motioned to her, the dark shade  
Seemed not a greater enemy to blessed light  
Than she appeared to it: and that she should  
Cozen my hopes, and without me her mother,  
Or any friend resign her will to his,  
And strike the match up, puzzles my best faith,  
Though I rejoice at it.  Vrin 
You have reasons sir to do so, your daughter had more wit than you expected, 'tis the quality of maids, to deny what they desire: had you but seen how nimbly she trod over the threshold; you would have sworn she had been mad of the match: I stood and heard him ask her: shall we go to the Church answered she, is't not too late quoth he again, never too late to do well replied she again: (though it were at midnight) and then the Dutch younker took her up into a (what do you call it) a sedan (and heaven speed) away they went, marry to what Church, he's gone I know not, only I heard him swear he would not come at Pencridge.  Mrs. Art. 
And why not; 'tis an ancient Church, and all old things must not be cast away, there has been many an honest couple given to the lawful bed there, so there has.  Vrin. 
No matter for that, he protested he would be married in a Tavern ere that pencridge, there's no drink ne'er it; but at the pinner of Wakefield, and that's abominable, and he has vowed to season their bargain with a cup of Sack ere they return.  Mist. Art. 
He will not be drunk on's wedding night I hope; my daughter would have a sweet bedfellow of him, if he should.  Vrin. 
There is another loving couple gone with them too for company, who will be man and wife if the Priest say Amen to it.  Doct. 
who are they of our knowledge?  Vrin. 
O yes sir, 'tis Master Lovering, the attendant to Master Knoworth, and Sir Martine's Niece that came but yesterday.  Doct. 
Is't possible? 'twas some sly policy of her Uncles to bring her hither, Master Lovering knew her before it seems.  Vrin. 
Too well I fear sir, they would not have married in such post haste else.  Mrs. Mix. 
Well Master Doctor, I hope my gloves shall be better than the ordinary, I had no small hand in this match, you know.  Doct. 
'tis nine o'clock at least: 'twill not belong ere they return, wife pray go in and see all things in readiness for their lodgings.  Mist. Art. 
They will have more stomachs to their beds then to their suppers.  Doct. 
Tomorrow we'll celebrate their nuptial feast: Urinal be you careful of the doors; let none come in but our own company.  Vrin. 
I'll lock them up, and keep the keys myself sir, Mrs. Mixum your husband is with them, and in his absence I would desire a word with you.  Mrs. Mix. 
I love to talk with any man in my husband's absence; sweet Urinal I will fulfil your pleasure, will you go Mistress?  Ex. Vrin. Mrs. Art. & Mrs. Mix. Vrin. 
So now have at her.  Doct. 
Have I not plotted finely? has my brain  
not won the laurel garland the famed breath  
That wafts the honour of deserving wits  
Among the humorous multitude (as loud  
As it speaks conquering triumphs) shall proclaim  
My politic merit, who have raised myself  
From worse than no name in the judging world,  
To an indifferent wealth, which though i've got  
By ways sinister, such as err from truth:  
Nay might incur a punishment no eyes  
Has ere discerned them, but with wonder how  
I should achieve such fortune, now complete  
In this alliance.  Enter Lady Yellow and Knoworth. Lady. 
Sister, let's to our chambers and to bed,  
That time approaches.  Doct. 
Your good Ladyship (I hope) will honour me so much  
As for an hour to dispense with rest,  
And see my bride in bed.  Lady. 
Your bride good Master Doctor, who should that be?  
I understand you not.  Doct. 
My daughter Ladies, that to me  
And all the house seemed so averse from marriage,  
Is this night stolen forth with younker Sconce,  
And is by this time wedded to him.  Lady. 
Beyond wonder, well sir,  
We'll have her bride garters, it shall go  
Hard else, sister could you have thought it?  Doct. 
You may both credit it, instantly they will return, and  
Then I'll wait upon you.  Exit Doctor. Lady. 
I pity the poor girl,  
That she should be so sudden in her choice,  
Enthrall her soul i'th' manacles of fate,  
(For such are nuptial bonds) experience sister  
Enforces me to lament her Know  Know. 
How equally we two  
Divide true, sorrow sympathize in grief,  
As in our blood and nature: sister you  
When your affectionate fancy fixed your heart  
Upon your husband's love, had no suspicion  
Of his unmanly jealousy, and I  
When I confined my love to Free Freewit's breast,  
Judged him as void of falsehood, as the spring  
When it has rested in green robes the Earth is  
Of bare nakedness, but we are both  
Deceived by our credulity.  Lady. 
For you, discretion may release you from the care  
Of his affection, you are free (as light)  
(Which in the darkest night retains some splendour)  
From the obedient slavery, due to marriage;  
But I no burn-marked captive is engaged  
With more officious zeal to serve his Lord,  
Than I my husband, I must either perish  
Like the chaste ice, when from a Christ all Rock,  
It feels a sad conversion into foul  
Corrupted waters, by his jealous flames;  
Or break those ties whose dissolution  
Would betray my innocent virtue to a ruin,  
Sure and eternal.  Know. 
But yet counsel me,  
I love this man so that if honour would  
Dispense with his offence, I should forgive him,  
And take him to my bosom  Lady. 
Alas you cannot,  
What noble soul (though half starved) would be fed with  
Base reversions, conscience too forbids.  Enter Vrin. 
The supplantation of another, sister strive to forget him  Vrin. 
Mrs. there is a gentleman without, this knocked for entrance as if he had been a Constable, his business is with you, and his name Freewit; I told him you were in bed and he swore he would come to you through the door, shall I admit him?  Know. 
This is his last night, his business carries weight, pray let him in. Be now propitious Love: is any with him?  Vrin. 
There is enough of him, unless he made less noise. I'll send him to you.  Lady. 
Sister, now give him his latest answer, and resolve  
Upon some choice more happy: here he comes.  Enter Freewit: Know. 
How, as a Bridegroom?  
Decked with the Ensigns of young Nuptials,  
A wreath of Flowers, and bays, and yet methinks  
His hand displays a Willow: what should this Emblem?  
Master Freewit we scarce expected you thus late.  Free. 
You'll please to afford my manners an indulgent pardon,  
For pressing to your presence thus: but 'tis  
Perhaps our extremest interview, and so  
May challenge the prerogative of excuse,  
For the audacious error.  Know. 
Would I could, with as much safety to my honour, grant Remission to your other fault.  Free. 
My thanks, are humble debtors to you for it, Mistress,  
The nimble minutes have with crafty theft,  
Stolen time away, reduced your limited hour  
To an unwelcome period: I have sought  
With the same diligence good men seek heaven,  
What you enjoined me, but the rain that falls  
In Summer time upon the parched dust,  
May easier be restored to the moist Clouds,  
Than she to my discovery. Wherefore since  
Her loss is certain, and the loss of you  
Depends on her, to satisfy your soul  
That I have man about me, I am come  
With the same confidence your scorn has taught me,  
To tell you, I as lightly prize your love,  
As you have valued mine, nor can you blame me, since 'twas your own desire.  Know. 
Credit me I'm very glad on't: but pray tell me sir,  
Why you come thus adorned with Nuptial wreathes  
Into my presence? is't to invite me to your wedding, or expression  
Of your contempt, I have not merited so harsh an usage.  Free. 
Neither: This branch of forsaken Willow I resign  
To your own wearing, that when after times  
Shall know our mutual parting; 't may report,  
That we were both forsaken, though we sever  
With the unwillingness that flourishing trees,  
Divest themselves of greenness, yet no blemish  
Of harsh unkindness shall defile our thoughts:  
We'll part fair, though for ever.  Lady. 
This gentleman seems so noble, I repent that I advised her from him.  Free. 
This Laurel wreath, that circles  
My uncaptived brow, I do justly challenge,  
Since I have conquered the greatest enemy,  
Mankind can combat (passion) yet the dew  
(That on the red lips of the blushing Rose  
Bestows a weeping kiss) leaves not so sadly  
The amorous flower, that curls its purple leaves,  
To hide it from the Suns enforcing Rays,  
As do my thoughts your memory, which did once  
Preserve it as inviolable, as heaven  
Does the bright souls of innocents.  Kno. 
You might  
Have had so much humanity, as to have kept  
Your purpose to yourself: though your loose sin  
Constrains my honour to renounce your love,  
I would not have my ears disturbed with this  
Relation of your contempt, for so  
Trust me I take it Freewit.  Free. 
Why, good Madam? can you condemn my too officious truth,  
Of a conceit of falsehood, when the spring  
Of my Revolt, derives its head from yours.  
You for a trivial, and scarce known offence,  
Could without scruple banish me your heart,  
When Angels should, for a desertless kiss  
From an impure lip, have renounced their bliss,  
Ere the most urgent reason of suspect,  
Should upon me have practised a contempt  
Of you: Had not your breath exposed a mist  
Of infidelity before the eyes  
Of my clear seeing soul, and left it blind  
As the black Mole, that like a Pioneer digs  
A winding Labyrinth through the earth to find  
A passage to the comfortable light,  
He never has fruition of.  Lady. 
But sir, suppose my sister did it for a proof,  
Of your affection, and now should reclaim  
The harsh prescription she imposed, you would not  
Continue in this temper.  Free. 
Madam ever. The Cedars juice, whose bitter poison gives  
The most strong body unavoided death,  
Preserves the Carcase by its dying force,  
Void of corruption: so has dealt her love  
With me; its reclamation struck me dead,  
And since my Exequies has kept my heart  
From entertaining a corrupt regard  
Of future slavery,  Enter Doct. Vrin. Mris. Artless. Vrin. 
They are entered, sir, I heard Mr. Mix. say as I let them in, that they were married.  Enter Mixum with a Torch, Popinjays in Sconce his clothes, leading Dalinea: Lovering leading Sconce attired in Poping. woman's clothes. Mix. 
Nay, come an end gentlemen and your wives, Mr. Doctor will not be angry though I have usurped his office, and been the father to his daughter.  Doct. 
You are not a cunning baggager you would none forsooth when I proposed it to you; but when the fit came on you, you could then run madding, and never let the Sexton ring the Bell to give us notice: had it been any one but Mr. Sconce, you should have fought a portion; but since to him, we pardon it: take her son, heavens give thee joy of her.  Vri. 
You would scarce say so, knew you as much as I do.  Pop. 
We thank you sir, and rest your dutiful children.  Lad. 
Ha! my Nephew Popingay!  Doct. 
Mr. Popingays. Sir Maritime's Nephew! I am abused, undone, my daughter's cozened Urinal, a trick put on me, Mr. Popingay to wed my daughter.  Pop. 
'twas with her own consent Sir, and she my wife by your free gift.  Mrs. Art. 
Your wife, your whore she is as soon, she is Master Sconces wife, and that you shall find, so you shall, let me come to the baggage husband, I'll scratch her eyes out.  Doct. 
Ere he shall enjoy her, I'll spend the best part of my wealth he shall not have a penny portion with her, depart my house I charge you Urinal call in my neighbours, ere I'll be used thus.  Vrin. 
hark you sir, you know I know you and your ways.  Urinal 
Doct What talk'st thou varlet?  Vrin. 
Go to, be patient, then give this gentleman your daughter; nay be friends, and love him too, or all shall out.  Doct. 
Thou wilt not betray me villain?  Vrin. 
But I shall discover you and your practises, nay to the Justice,  
This gentleman is the same Sir Martin brought hither as his Niece.  Doct. 
Plots upon plots against me.  Vrin. 
But the great one is still behind: if you will be friends quickly with them, so; if not, your impostures all come out.  Doct. 
Is it even so? well since I am o'erreached.  
Better sit down in peace, than with disgrace:  
Mr. Popingay consideration of your just desert,  
Now his persuasion has suppressed my heat,  
enjoins me to forgive your loving theft;  
Accept my daughter with as good a heart  
As she is mine: come hither wife, say you so too?  Mris. Art. 
Nay, since you say it, it must be so.  Pop. 
Humbly I thank you: such another gift,  
Should Nature offer all her precious store,  
Could not be given Mortality: but truly sir,  
I had much ado to win her.  Dal. 
You have me now;  
But I profess until we came to be  
Conjoined i'th' Church, I took you for Mr. Sconce, but now rejoice  
I was deceived so, I shall study to love you.  Doct. 
Now you name, where is Mr. Sconce?  Scon. 
'tis my cue now. O father I me here they have given me a touch, a very scurvy touch, I am a brother of the Twibills, and I am married too, but I need not fear being a Cuckold.  Vrin. 
Mris. you know the Gent.  Know. 
My servant Lovering married to Mr. Sconce!  
You'll get brave boys I doubt not.  Scon. 
I and wenches too; come hither, we will be man and wife, that's certain, nay and lie together, so we will, you shall behave yourself well enough like a woman: but that you have a stiff impediment forbearing Children: but give me thy hand, shall's be drunk together?  Vrin. 
He is scarce sober yet I think.  Scon. 
I'll tell you father, ere I went to the Church I had gotten a touch in the Crown, the Twibill Knights confusion them on my Jo had made me drunk, and got my clothes, and how I came by these I know not: But ha, let me see, this should be my suit, 'tis it, by valour it is: do you hear good man Fox, how crept you into this lion's case?  Pop. 
What means this new married man?  Scon. 
Do you jeer me, with a touch of that? hark you husband, Though I be your wife, you shall not hinder me from claiming my own Breeches. Mistress a word with you too you put a gentle touch upon me did you not? But I shall know you hereafter, I'll say no more, and touch you boldly for it.  Lov. 
You're very merrily disposed Sir: had it not been to have done Sir Martin's Nephew, I should not have been fooled so. I'll try his temper though.  Know. 
No matter Lovring thou art a Gent.  
And since I am resolved from Master Freewit,  
That he'll not have me now, (though I were willing)  
To toot the least remembrance of him  
Out of my breast, by this my happier choice,  
I'll marry thee.  Scon. 
But let him marry you though if he dare, I'll sue the Statute of Bigamy upon him, he shall be hanged for being double married.  Free. 
In this one act  
She only appears woman, all her Saint,  
Speak her a Saint. I did not think her heart  
Could have resumed (though than rejected me)  
A baser choice, Sir you've good Fortune: Mrs.  
I will not wish you ill success in your  
So sudden Love: but it was cruel in you  
To give away your soul, (as in despite)  
In my loathed presence: yet to show how much  
I prize your satisfaction, I resign  
My interest in you to him, and thus freely  
Bestow him on you: will you have him Lady?  Pulls of Lovering's Periwigs, he is discovered to be Martha. Lady. 
Heaven bless me sister, this is the same maid  
Whom Master Freewit is reported to have  
Got with Child: this is strange.  Free. 
Nay, be not amazed Mistress it is she:  
You had best call her to a strict account  
How long 'tis since I lay with her.  
Know. O Freewit, what means this mad delusion?  Scon. 
My wife turned a woman indeed: this is a touch indeed, I had best be gone, for fear she challenge me.  Vrin. 
O stay your patience good Mr. Sconce.  Free. 
Now let heaven, and all that can be titled good beneath  
Divinity, conjoin to frame a piece  
Of virtue great as this; yet be deficient  
In the achievement; for some cunning Artist  
To draw her in this posture (to be placed  
(In Alabaster, white as her own figure)  
Or some green mead or flowery valley, where  
Posterity of virgin's yearly might  
Offer a tear to the blessed memory  
Of perfect feminine goodness. Let me die,  
Gazing on you and I shall fly to heaven  
Through your bright eyes.  Doct. 
Sir, what means this ecstasy?  Free. 
I'll tell you, and Mrs trust each word,  
As the just accent of Oraculous truth:  
Knowing your ardent love to me, I feared  
It might embrace a change, and therefore shaped this woman  
In the habit of a man got her unknown to you,  
Preferred to serve you: (which she could not have been without  
Discovery, in her own shape) not to o'erlook your life.  
Or watch your actions, but to raise report  
That I had been false: so to try if that  
Would stagger your resolve, which I have found  
So noble, that the happiness of Fates,  
Can give no more addition to my bliss.  
Madam beg you my pardon.  Know. 
O sir you have it, and I my best of wishes, but why did you  
Employ a woman thus disguised suppose  
She had been got with child you must  
Have been the father of it.  Free. 
I knew she was too honest, and beside,  
I put her to the acting of't because  
She being the accuser of me for herself  
Might without the least scruple of suspect  
Free me from her own calumny, nay here's another,  
Can witness this for truth.  Know 
How Urinal Master: Doctor's man turned to Tristram Mr. Freewit's man, and Martha's brother?  Urin 
So it appears by the story Mrs. I am glad sir you put my sister in this disguise, she has got a good husband by the shift, take your wife sir, she is no worse a woman than my own sister.  Scon. 
But let me see and feel you better, it is no periwig this but are you my husband, a woman; wife?  Liv 
I your wife am sir.  Scon. 
Master Doctor you wish me well I know, I have married here I know not whom, you have excellent salves and unguents sir.  Doct. 
They are at your service all.  Scon. 
Thank you good Mr. Doctor, have you never a one that will eat off the wen of manhood, make all whole before that will eunuchise a man, I would fain be a Hermaphrodite, or a woman to escape this match, I do not like it  Enter Mrs. Mixum. Mris. Mix. 
Help gentlemen, help Mr. Doctor, yonder is a man would ravish me whether I would or no, nay killed me, I think he has pulled out the longest naked weapon, O there he is.  Ent. S. Mar. drawn. S. Mar. 
She shall not scape me were she  
Fenced with fire, strumpet thou diest.  Doct. 
Who's this, Sir Martin, what do you mean sir?  Mris. 
ay, this is he Thomas do you see what a terrible thing he has got? was that fit to use to a woman? I was but laid in the next room, to sleep, and he would have done something to me so he would had not I been the honester woman.  Lady. 
Is't so Sir Martine? I have now just cause  
To suspect your loyalty, and that your fond  
Jealousy proceeds out of intemperate lust,  
Could I not serve, but underneath my nose  
You must be rioting upon another?  Sir Mart. 
Shame and confusion seize me.  Vrin. 
You may see Sir what comes of your jealousy, but fear not Sir, your wife will pardon it, there's no harm done.  Mrs. Mix. 
But there might have been, had not my honesty been the greater.  Lady, 
Well Sir martine, though you have injured  
Me most infinitely, I do remit all if you will protest  
ne'er to be jealous more.  S. Mar. 
Amazement and my shame hinders my utterance,  
Let me breath in sighs my true repentance,  
And henceforth  
That jealousy in man if't be injust  
Is ill, nay worse than in a woman's lust.  Know. 
But pray you brother, who brought you hither?  
We shall rejoice to have you at our wedding,  
And see this reconcilement.  Vrin. 
I Madam, I; under pretence to have attempted his wife, but I sent him in to Mrs. Mixum, who I knew would fit his turn.  Mrs. Mix. 
And so I could have suited him as well as another woman.  Scon. 
Brother Urinal you are a knave, brother Urinal, and have showed all a cozening touch.  Vrin. 
No sir I saved you from being cozened, my sister shall have some portion, here's a hundred pieces in this purse.  Scon. 
Sink me my Jo, my own purse.  Vrin. 
It, is indeed Sir, I got it from your Twibill brothers, and this your watch too, and your clothes which Mr. Popingay wears, by locking them into a room, and threatning punishment, if they denied, the blades shall now resume freedom, this key will let them out, come forth gentlemen, here is your brother Master Sconce.  Enter the Twibill Knights. Scon. 
Captain general, give thy hand bully, Captain Pirke, my x Pig, and all of you; though you would have cheated me 'tis no matter, you shall dance at my wedding, and be drunk too, my Joe, you shall.  Pirk. 
Confusion rot the bones of Urinal perdition shall slay him;  Free. 
Madam I hope we shall keep our nuptial feast with Master Doctor.  Know. 
As you dispose it sir, I have resigned my will to yours.  Pop. 
Uncle I hope you'll pardon me, that I deceived your expectation in watching my Aunt, she is too virtuous: father your blessing, and then we are happy.  Doct. 
Take it.  
Thus all are pleased I hope: what this night cannot  
(For celebration of these feasts) perform,  
Tomorrow shall, and from this minute I  
Renounce all ways sinister to get wealth  
Things that i'th' period prosperously succeed,  
Though crossed before, are acted well indeed.  
FINIS.