A NEASTE OF wasps LATELY FOUND out and discovered in the Law-countreys', yielding as sweet honey as some of our English bees. AT DORT▪ Printed in the Low-countreyes. 1615. TO THE Reader. GIve room ho; give room to my active pen Oh give her room; she'll lay about her then. Mistake her not; she plays no fencer's part, She plays the Popes; she'll make the whole world smart. Will. Goddard. THE COMMISSION. A Broad my Wasps, in to the world go fly make known your natures to all men you spy Search every creak; go fly you round about let no wretch rest until y'ave found him out, And having found him, sting him: None forbear but sting 'em all, for all grown wicked are, My Love except, at which, if some repine say things you must not touch that are divine AN EPIGRAM TO my Epigrams. 1 MVsicke strike-up, some lively quick jig play Hang tunes that run on malencollie kay. Skip now my verse: light Epigrams come skipp. Like do on lawn, come light and nimbly trip Like Cat with mouse come sport you swiftly fast But see like cat you pinch and nipp at last. 2 My senses stands amazed, my hands do tremble To think to what I should my love resemble, Compare her to the rose; her cryimson die Is far more pure; her white excels the Ivory, Unto her skynn ruged is the smoothest jet The softest down to it is counterfeit With in her faces circute there are placed, Two heaunlie sons, by whom the world is graced, Whose golden beams from-of her lips exhales, That hunnye dew which Poets Nectar calls So fair is she, so sweet, smooth, soft, so clear As on this Earth nought like her may appear, Oh what a Matchless Mistress have I caught That justly can compare her unto nought 3 Some men Ill censures Had-land; calls him Ass Idle Goose. Upon him most men pass But not so much for selling of his towns As vainly spending and consumings crowns For that a fool he's held. Now I'm of mind, A wiser man a man shall hardly find Who hath a crown; I but one crown enjoys Must have a thousand cares. Cares Crowns annoys Then Hadland's wise, the other Coxcombs are, For who'd keep crowns since one Crowns full of care. 4 For making, speed, pace, and fiery sprite The brave proud Couser should the court delight His gentle gesture, milde-sterne-statelie grace May get him love (I grant) in every place That he's respected I near wonder why It is at Th' Ass; at Ass' wonder I No worthe's in th'ass, yet daubd' he is in gold And trickt-up trymmer then proud jennetts bold At which I musd and wondered, until when I found th' Ass dear and near to most great men. 5 Had I command at Court I would casseere Both all the porters and doorkeepers there They let too many beggars in. 'tis seen Even in the presence there some beggars been Amend it Porters; 'tis no seemly thing To have to many beggars near the King. 6 At Court a Beggar to a Porter came open door quoth he, I am one crippled lame The porter annsweres sirrah get you gone This is the Court, of Beggars here comes none Then let me in quoth he and make no doubt 'twill scarce a court be shut your beggars out. 7 A chattering Ape met with a gruntling hogg Hogg quoth the Ape beware the may stife dog Oh Ape quoth th'hogg, hard, oh hards my case For I do meet with Dogs in every place Dost so replies the Ape? What wilt thou give And I will teach thee how shalt fearless live Forsake thy sty and to the lions Court From thy base country house do thou resort No Dog so hardy is as once to dare Presume to make his bold appearance there For the brave lions nature will not brook Upon a churlish surly Cur to look Beasts of my nature like his nature best His frowns we turn to smiles with some sleight jest To see us leap, skipp, make an antik face▪ first won us apes in to the lions grace And therefore hogg I do wish thee take my shape the lion favours well the toying ape▪ 8 Clownus would court it, now his country seat He half doth loath, in clothes he groweth neat Dust here me Clown for that life thart unfit Thy vows a brain; whose there must want no wit He that would court-it, in the Court would thrive Must sympathise in nature with these five In youth he must be Ape and Monkey both The Ape to Imytate what others doth And like the Monkey he in lust must burn: Must stand ready; prickon at every turn The Fox's nature he in age must have: Must plot. None riseth like your deepe-sculd knave Like more beasts yet he must be: do you hear? He must turn Ass; great men's great loads must bear must be an OX: must hug who gives the horn 'tis no disgrace for favours no we there worn Clown, be still a Clown, hood change maulie shape To be an ox, fox, monkey, Ass or Ape? 9 A Fool t'a wiseman came, Wiseman quoth he I've been with Fortune who hath blessed me My son said Fortune, thus I bless thy birth Thou shalt evioye the happi'st life on earth Thou shalt have Wealth ease, mirth: thou shalt live free Live where thou wilt shalt never envied be Nor shall Mistrust attend thee. Cross the seas: for sake the Court; I do child what you please Yet it shall like: it shall give no distaste Thy deeds thy mother Fortune will have graced with that about she turned her, groping-out To find her wheel; which found, she turned about Allotting me all pleasures on the earth You, life envied: Mistrust poisoning your mirth Come Wiseman then; come marched in rank with me The dangers less, yet honoured more you see 10 A godly Father of the romish sect A privy and ahogstie would erect Workman said he look on this log of wood For those two purposes me thinks 'tis good The workman seeing tw'ould not serve the turn Cried sir▪ this is not good enough to burn how not to burn the zealous father cries? No not to burn the Carpenter replies: It is such rotten stuff 'twill not bewrought It is so knotty ruf 'tis good for nought Come come the papist cries thou wantest wit I'll have a god made an't; I'll kneel to it To it I'll pray: foe will I guild-it ore As all that see't shalt for a god adore. What will not make a privy, gods will make For that use, of the rottenst things we take Therefore to make my privy find some good And I'll wake gods of this my rotten wood. 11 Before his Holiness three suitors came The first was one given all to whore and game The second unto drink was giun-ore so As sober to his bed he'd never go The third a murderer was given all tooth stab These coming to that babalonian drab (after great reverence to his sacred knee) They humbly crave that they might pardoned be Your sins are great his holiness doth cry We do confess it father they reply But as our sins are great our means is great Father quoth they with anngells we have met Which anngells told us that you loved 'em so As any thing for their sweet sakes you'd do Therefore, for what w'ave done, we mercy crave For those good Anngells' sakes lets pardon have Pleads Angels for you quoth the Pope? nay then I must for give. Anngells have power o'er men. 12 Ide have a play could I but to my mind Good actors get; but thats'not now to find For (oh) there dead; this age afordeth none, Good actors all long since are dead and gone For beggar's part a Courtier I would have A courtiers part your scholar act-would brave You soldier should your scholar act. But yet To play the king lie part he is more fit Now for the fool I have an exc'llent one Oh for that part give me your merchancts' son To act the whore; tutt that's a common part Each girl of twelve years old can do'ot with art But oh the Devil! I am gravelled now To find a Devil out I know not how And with out one my play shall near comeforth For with out Devils, plays are nothing worth Master I have thought of one for gold he'll come An exc'llent actor is the Pope of Room, 13 Friar quoth the Divelles thou stand'st my friend I'm cast away; my days are at an end Now god defend the friar saith; for than We friars should be left fatherless poor men As for my friendship, doubt me of no evil Faithful friars near falfe-are to the devil Therefore make known your case; be bold, reveal Our order can your secrets best conceal Then know it friar, in love, in love I am To thee for counsel in that case I came A Nun I love, without I have'a Nun Tell all the world the Devil is undone Love you a Nun? a Nun be't you desire Take my shape on you; Nuns deneys no friar. 14 At hell's wide gates a soldier once did stand His reason was to view th'infernal band But as he lea'nd to see each troup pass by He taken-was and doubted for some spy What mak'st thou here? what art the devil cries? A Martialliste; a soldier he replies The multitude of Monks and friars there At name of soldier, thus cry'de-out with fear Oh devil, if thou dost love us convey That soldier hence: with'hs pass pack him away In quiet else we nothing here shall do they'll use our gods, our holy sisters too And therefore out with him, 'tis fowl abuse If any but one selves do those things use This is the Cloister we allotted are Therefore from us all soldiers out debar Children the Devil cried if it be so That he's a soldier: hath nought with me to do Nor I with him. God did ordain their birth Not hell to trouble, but to vex the earth My charge lies here: their'es on the earth: both hath A charge to show men our great masters wrath Soldiers, men's bodies are to fall upon ay, on the soul, to see sharp tortures done Who for their pains in heaun above must dwell And I for mine, below in this dark hell And therefore out he shall, too's heaun I'll send him Which if he likes not else where let himmend him So out from hell the soldier strait was thrown Since when in hell a soldier near was known. 15 I pray tell me my fortune sir: I am A Beggar wench; to you for that I came A beggar wench the Fortune-teller cries? Indeed ' I am the beggar-wench replies Then know it wench quoth he thy Fortune's good And these three babes shall springe from thy base blood Two brats one beggar shall beget of thee Both of them Knights and both shall Courtiers be Nay yet an other son thou shalt emoye A juggler shall beget of thee a boy This shall a lawyer be, and shall in time With's jugliug tricks up to high turretts climb Thou hearst thy Fortune wench: be gone quoth he It joys me much, I thank you for't quoth she Yet ere I do depart pray let me crave If these be all the sons I'm like to have For truly sir my mind doth give me yet I shall have one son more; who shall in wirt And valour th'rest as far surpass As steeds in couradge do the silly Ass My mind doth give me sir I shall bring forth A sprightful soldier one of matchless worth A soldier whore quoth he? out baggadg base A soldier cannot spring from beggar's race. 16 Plorus your wise let ten— in one night One of those ten you knows the Parson's right Why paid him then; thou know'st a barley straw Will make a parish parson go to law pay him his— oh pry thee let him ha'te Less things then— will stir them to debate, 17 'tis said that idleness doth mischief breed And so it doth; that sayings true indeed Then Parish parsons you are now a days The only men that do deserve best praise For lawyers would grow Idle, did not you Stir your parish to set them tasks to do A blessed work; a deed well worthy note A thing befitting best, men of your coat I do applande the deed; and lawyers shall Stand bare to you, shall you their masters call. 18 Benefio, benefis, benefit I'd construe thus if I should English it I do well; so's englished benefio Benefis, a benefize to buy ho For though I've neither learning nor goodwitt Yet buy a benefice I'll benefit. 19 Oh Deate thouart wronged! abused in our land Thy office Death is wrested out thy hand Unto thy office Death it doth belong T'unloose that sacred knot god tied so strong God did ordain thee Death, and only thee T'unloose that knot, bued now more Deaths there be. 20 A judge t'a surgeon came, surgeon quoth he My arm is sore, what be't so paineth me? The surgeon looking on it, sir he cries Oh much corruption in your arm there lies A poor man by, cries surgeou understand 'tis not in's arm, corrupted is his hand. 21 A Bedrid man before a judge was brought The judge bids stand-up sirrah as you ought Oh sir, nor go, nor sit, nor stand can I I am your friend pray give me leave to lie Art thou my friend quoth he? then lie thy fill a judge gives all his friends leave to lie still. 22 Were I to choose a Captain, I would than Not choose your courtier or a youth full man Noel would choose a judge; one grim and grave To make a Captain such a man I'd have Give me that man whose frowning brow is death I such a one as can kill men with breath. 23 Young Lawyers Cubs (spruce students termed by some) To you as humble suitor I do come My suit is this you'll send me from your Inns Some of you old slye-pated foxes skynns we'll make drums heads of them: in doing so I know by th'ears our foes and we shall go Pray send us some; we all will thank you then; I know their skynns to brawls will stirr-up men. 24 Clerk quoth the Count cellar I must ride down What shall I do, there's not one horse in town? Why sir replies the Clerk, that is no lack In steed of horse bestride some Clients back Although an Ass un seemly is in show Yet he treads sure, and whip him on, he'll go Bestride a Client sir, he shall not tyre I'll spur him on, unto your own desire. 25 A Woman to a Lawyer came, sir quoth she Beseech your do a favour unto me What wouldst thou have the man a law replies? O sir your helping hand the good wife cries For god sake sir quoth she let me entreat You'll make my husbands small thing very great The say of nothing lawyers can great matters make Therefore I pray sir this thing undertake. 26 A Chancery Client having spent his sums Unto a usring broker sneaking comes Broker said he 'tis told me by a friend That you upon a suit good gold will lend I have a suit, fair, strong, but very dear One that I've worn almost this twenty year Which yet is fresh as when I first did weare-it 'Twill weare-out me'till I've no strength to bear it. A suit so lasting strong tother replies? I'll deal for it: where is it sir he cries? Why in the Chauncrye replies the clown There carelely my suits thrown up and down And therefore pray sir rid me oft: The say Men of your trade soon rid men's suits away The Broker scornfully from him goes forth And tells him those old suits are little worth. 27 An old bald-pated grave graie-bearded sire Stole to a wench to quench his lusts desire she asked him what profession he might be I am a Civil lawyer girl quoth he A Civil lawyer sir? you make me muse Your talks too broad for cyvell men to use If Civil lawyers are such bawdy men Oh what (quoth she) are other lawyers then? 28 Take leases ho. You that have handsome wives Good husbands play, take leases for their lives For If your wives but fair and handsome be Physicians will warrant 'em for ye If they but feel their pulse, then doubt no lives I'll warrant you they'll warrannt then your wives By art to women they can put in life He's sure to get that lets them warrants ' wife. 29 Three sorts of Folks there are which have a trick Gold out of men and women's tails to pick Your Panda'rs one, the second of these three Is one which nightly scours things privylee I'd name the third and last sort of these men But all Physicians I should anger then. 30 Lie thus (the Fencer cries,) thus must you guard Thus must you slip, thus point, thus pass, thus ward And if you'd kill him sir, this trick learn then With this same trick you may kill many men A Doctor standing by, cries Fencing Fool Both you and he, to me, may come to school Thou dost ' but prate: my deeds shall show my skill Where thou hurtst one, a hundred I do kill. 31 If wars should cease & time of peace should grow I would Physician turn: that course I'd go So might I keep my hands in ure; and still Some one or other eu'rye day might kill Oh Ide grow subtle, I would learn the trick To make a sick man sound, a sound man sick. 32 Are you returned my wasps? I cannot see How many men so soon should stinged be This world is spacious wide: 'tis roundly large So soon then how could you my charge discharge Therefore abroad again; about go seek I love to see men arie, t'hear women shriek▪ 33 'tis said of roaring boys there's many thieves (he's in the truth I think which so believes) Yet I do think more witches are of them Then are of any other sorts of men My reason's this (I fear I shall be bangd) Cause always there's as many burnt as hanged▪ 34 He that hath wealth 'tis fit that he should have A lock on's trunk, his gold and wealth to save But he in whose pate there remains no wit Me thinks a lock on his pate is unfit Than Roarers why do you wear such huge locks▪ Your heads are poor. Of with them with a pox. 35 Hath he in question been for pursing crimes? Scap te sargants hands, the hangman's twenty times Hath he on whores consumed his lands and stock? Been brought to bed, delivered of the pock? Lost'es hair from's head? lost th'ead of you know what? If he those 'scapes have had, and hath lost that Oh pray then let him pass: let him enjoy This famous title; yond's a roaring boy. 36 Wouldst thou turn Rorer boy? wouldst grow in fashion Learn this garb then, shalt gain fair reputation Tobacco take; run in each mercer's score Visit plays, be seen to court thy whore Laugh at learning; call preachers sheepish men scholars asses: stick not now and then To censure deeds of Kings. Nay 'gainst god's deity Be bold to belch forth broadest blasphemy Must keep a cattalogue: must have the name Of every merchannts wife which is of fame Must slannder all; the fairest dames must stain Must say with conntesses, with queens thou'st lain Must be no coward: thyself must proudly carry Must mouthe-it stoutly in each ordinary Where, if but of thy losses thy tongue walk Must of no less a loss then hundreds talk Must learn to lie; must learn thy lie to face And lastlly how to swear God damn the: with a grace Learn these young boy, great man thou shalt be then. Who do these Ill things well must needs be men. 37 Furious Hott-spurr, a reason pry thee yield Why thou so fighst; why thou ghost so in field be't after blood thy dry soul so doth thirst? Remember Cayn how god that murderer cursed But tell me Hott-spurr, wherein dost thou gain When thou in field thy evemye haste slain? Thy ventures much: if'ft ' be but to get blood Then tell me (being got) wherefore be't good? Thou canst not canst? I tell thee thou vain goose Thou hazardst body how thy soul to lose This blood once spilled doth not like bodies die But that revives and up to th'eauns doth fllie Where to the lord it points out that black deed Crying-out for vengeanc, vengeance lord with speed Fool sheath thy sword; avoid fond private brawls Our blades should sleep until our country calls. 38 Gooden-dagh Butterbox: I understand Thou dost inhabitt in the netherlands I pry thee Smeere-chopps doth not he which buys A thing called wife there, pay for her excise? Who buys an ox, a cow, or such like beast Pays for her horns, hide, flleshe, excise at least He knows not when she's bought: beside the Boor He must betall the gelt to twenty more I pry thee Butterbox make me so wise As know, if men may wive, not pay excise. 39 Dutchmen should pay (if they did pay their due) A tax for eu'rye chimney old and new Then honest Dutchmen, pray now let me axe Why for your women's tails you pay no tax? If those are chimneys where folks fierce make? Then your wives tails for chimneys I do take For there are Fires, fierce there they daily keep: And therefore pay your dues; those chimneys sweep. 40 Demand you why o'er stoves Dutchwomen sits? Oh strange! pray why do you put meat on spits? be't not to roast the same? near wonder then: For so they sit to roast meat for their men Although their men all day on hodgepodge eat Yet in the night they cloy them with roost meat. 41 Water they say will not wild-fyer quench Then wildfire in thy stove thou bear'st dutch-wench For if by water it would quenched be Then out il would; so watered 'tis by thee But why it will not out, I now do know Thy bellows wench; they always puff and blow. 42 In Holland, Zealand, all the Netherlandes Young men with maids (allnight) walk hands in hands In darkest night, to walk, they most delight For doing which, some do applaud their sight They need not do't; they see as other men For when 'tis dark they go by feeling then. 43 A Huntsman and his Dog did lately come To the low countries from their English home Oh Dog quoth he (I speak't ' with grief of heart) We one from other shallbe forced to part I shall not able-bee to give thee meat Now bones and parings I myself must eat Why sir (replies the Dog?) I hope not so I can and will your masters pleasure show Pleasure quoth he? If thou wilt them delight Thou must show profit Dog, or learn to fight. 44 A messenger from the'auns was lately sent T'envite poorè tradesmen unto merriment Brewer's, Tailors, and cooks (amongst the rest) Envited ' were unto that solenm feast But they being very busy annswerd thus Oh messenger said they excuse thou us Our leisure will not serve us there to go The Devil here on earth employs us so My Country'es French the Tailor cries: and I Must live there-in else Frenchmen strait will die As th'english nation do their bellies cramm So we our backs: To them a nurse I am I'm English quoth the Cook: my Nation looks For nought but meat, good stomachs and good cooks Therefore should I to heaun; my Country men Could not devise how they should surfeit then I'm Dutch the Brewer cries, and should I climb Above the clouds before prefixed time Our nations souls beneath hell's pit would sink For dead their hearts grow when they want good drink Therefore tell God the Devil stays us here To keep our nations from ascending there. 45 When Foxe-furr walks, he treads the formalst pace When Foxe-furr talks, he talks with gravest grace He licks not's lips, nor picks his finger's ends But to formality each motion tends In all things Foxe-furs formal; I, his nose At all times with formality he blows At meat (at mouth) he formally breaks wind From meat as formally he breaks behind Oh since grave Foxe-furr can say I and no 〈◊〉 a sheere-towne Mayor may pass I trow. 46 Ask Craft the Merchante whether he doth walk; Why to th'exchange quoth he t'exchaunge some talk Asks ' jetting wife; his lisping pretty bride To what green bank that golden snake doth slide She lispes-out, to my garden truly sir: But wot you what 'tis thither draweth her? Oh sir, that's her exchange: she walketh there Tex'change her body, in the open air Her prentice there, his masters factor proves And chops such wares as merchants wives best loves; 47 You Sailors, if you'll wealthy-growe, and thrive, Steer such a course as you may fairly wive Get you but beauteous wives, and you shall see Against your coming home they'll loaded be I, costom-free your merchanntes load 'em will And with best wares your wives ware-howsen fill. 48 While Sea-horse gallopps over gulfs and sands Intending to discover unknown lands At home he leaves his marchannt with his wife Who sails with her yet near adventers life Now on a ruff waves back his friggot danceth Anon t'a vaultie hollow down it channceth Now is she toast; anon turned o'er and over: Under now; a non she manly doth recover & thus on land strannge straights he seeks to find Running his course so long as good's his wind In her he rows; but all's discou'ries 〈◊〉 49 There's three things makes me think that city wives Are least infected with these papist lives The first is this; they keep no holidays For then they are most occupyde men says The second is, to see them crossed 'tis rare For townsmen's wives but sisdom crossed are The third is this (this often hath been tried) fasting, and prayers they cannot well abide Ill Nuns they'd make, for who of late did see A London girll that did vow chastetee? 50 A soldier, Lawyer, and a citizen In thicke-wide Forreste (once these wandering men) Had lost themselves, but Fortune did provide For each of these a beast to be his guide Unto the soldier (with a mild-maiestick grace) A princely Lion gently bend his pace Unto the Lawyer did the subtle Fox Two to the Townsman went, the Ass the Ox Each telling in their languadge, how that they Would t'eache of them a guider be in's way The first the Lion thanks; tother the ox The Townsman thanks and follows th'ass & thoxe But most in grateful he (in human borne) Robs the mild ass ofs ' wit, and th'ox ofs ' horn. 51 ist not a brave life ho to serve a Lord? It's nought but truss his points and wait ats'borde A man shallbe assu'rd enough to eat If he catch bones which hath enough of meat The life hath ease; a man need vever stir Less whence Lord— t'ask, do you call me sir. 52 Had I a thousand girls no care I'd take For those my girls, portions to scrape or rake. I'd make 'em chamber maids; or else they should Be waiting gentlewomen If I could Were they not then card'-for? then if they will Under their lords they may be getting still. 53 Is't not strange that Townsmen daily eats Fat venison as oft as other meats? No, 'tis not strange; for their sweet wives may have As many warrants as they'll ever crave Pure souls! if they but lispe-out pray my Lord Give me a warrant; tha'ue it at first word Lords are kind to give; and a City dame To beg a warrant never holds it shame 54 Now good sir john (the beggar cries) I pray Bestow your whorships alms on me to day Relieve my wants quoth he; I am your brother We borne-are one to help and aid an other My brother quoth Sr. john? poor wretched wight! Why thou mistakest me, I am a knight I know't quoth he; but hark you kind sir john there's many a knight kin to the beggar man. 55 Late did I take a knight on Beggar wench He was on fire; 'twas she the flame must quench The Beggar-wenche I asked if she did like Better with knights, then with poor beggars strike Faith sir quoth she if I shall speak but right I find as one, the Beggar and the knight. 56 Now god be with old Chuff; avouch't I can That grey side-coated swadd died a good man Yet daily heed ' be drunk: nay this is more The rich old churl for each day kept a whore Yet notwithstanding I do tell no lie In saying Chuff did a right goodman die Pray speak; may not the knight his son be glad, In that for father he a goodman had. 57 Pray wrong not Late-coynd; give the man his right he's made a gentleman although no knight Hath he not bought a knights old clothes? why than Late-coynd I hope is made gentleman For now 'tis clothes the gentleman doth make Men from gay clothes their pedigrees do take But wot you what's the arms to such men's house Why this, hands chasing of a rampant Louse. 58 What shall we think now of the jackdaws state? Is not that Fowl become a Potentate? The Eagles house of sticks and straws are built Free from vain pomp; not burnist over with guilt But Daws have built 'em houses wondrous fair With proud pyramids t'out-braue the air Blame not the Daw to leave base, straws to peck: You sec whose ' now the jacke-dawes archyrect. 59 Why laugh you at jackdaws? I cannot see But that Iacke-dawe's both wise and honest be Honest in this: howskeeping they uphold; They keep good houses as in days of old. And herein wise: Great men great houses make But jackdaws strait possession of them take There wise and honest, and to outward show They are devout; to Church they daily go Long may they live. For jackdaws I will pray; Were jackdaws dead, howskeeping would decay. 60 Dost hear me jacke-dawe? thou dost saucy grow: Get better manners; learn thyself to know, How dar'st thou jett-it to the Eagles court? Thou art too bold; why there doth none resort But birds of noblest parts. There doth fall The soaring Falcon which so prays on all The Peacock with his rich embroidered plumes Spreads there his tail; high place he there asumes The Nitingall singes there, and now and than There falls a turtle Dove, a milk-white Swan A way thou foolish daw, seek not t'aspire Keep thou thy country house; perke-up no hire Or if thou needs must change, seeke-out the Gull Cuckoo; woodcock; each City of them's full Exchange with them: City Cuckoos love To fly a bread: each summer they remove. 61 England, of Oxen, sheep, horse, thou haste thy part Likewise, with hearts, hinds, bucks; enritcht thou art Plenty of these thou haste: but I do muse No more wild-bores with in thy bounds do use If boars of hogs do come, thou shouldst have store No land of truer hogs had ever more Search court, or country; woods or Fenny bogs All's ' one, all places now yields gruntling hogs. 62 Sir quoth a Clown, your father (as we say) Was a good man; yet never went so gay His clothes were such as howsewives fingers spinn I never saw him strutt it in satin He deed good deeds. 'twas seld seen from his door A man came unreleiud ' that lived but poor The chimneys of his house were always swept They always smoked: that she'wd what house he kept What talk'st thou of his acts (young Make-waste cries?) Now good deeds with the good deed-doer dies Talk of my acts; I can orethrowe the oak And make my nostrylls like his chimneys smoke. 63 Prate-well hath courted me; hath wood my wit Told me for plays it was exceeding fit Would have me beat my brains t'instruct & teach Parrottes and Magpies how on stage to preach Go Epigram go annswere that fond wooer ' Tell him I will not: bid him sue no more So tell him I will teach no crane's to stalk Nor clip these Magpies tongues to make 'em talk I am no bearward; for do what I can I cannot make an ape to Imitate a man. 64 Go to your plaie-howse you shall actors have Your bawd, your gull, your whore, your pandar knave Go to your bawdy house, y'ave actors too As bawds, and whores, and gulls: panders also. Besides, in either house (if you inquire) A place there is for men themselves to tyre Since th' are so like, to choose there's not a pin Whether bawdye-howse or plaie-howse you go in. 65 But speak I pray, who be't would guess or skann Fantasmus to be borne a English man? he's hatted spanyard-like and bearded to Ruft Itallyon-like; paeed like them also His hose and doubletts ' French; his boots and shoes Are fashond pole in heels, but French in toes Oh he's complete! what shall I descant an? A complete Fool: no complete English man. 66 Were I a captain and might choose my men Flatterers and Parrasits I would choose then Valiant they be; they never fear the shot they're forwardst still when service is most hot They fear no shot. Yet such men Flatterers be As still if any 'scapes, they scape shott-free Mistake me not; misconstrue not this shot The are shott-free, when, service in Tavern's hot. 67 A honest Baker lately did espy A Sciuner preaching on the pillory Scriuner he said, bequeathe thy ears to me Though I can hear, yet I want ears quoth he Take them the seriuner cries to do thee good Oft Baker's ears o'er seriuners heads have stood. 68 Were I a gallant and could maintain men I'd have bald-pated lads t'attend me then For men whose pates are bare and bald at tops Are exc'llent fit to keep Tobacco shops Two things upon a bald crown on may do That's cut Tobacco, and well drye-it too Their brains are hot: there skulls as thin as shell Lay't on the bald-place it will dry it well. 69 Soldier (quoth a juggler) wilt learn of me? I'll ' teach thee tricks; such, thou didst never see The soldier sighs, shakes head, and annsweres thus A 'Las, too many tricks are shown to us Tricks on poor soldiers eu'rye Captain puts: Slyghts to draw gold from-out our shrunck-up guts 'tis they have tricks, and therefore juggling Fool If thou'lt learn tricks, to them go thou to school. 70 Captain (a Seargant cries), a soldiers dead What shall be done? shall he be buried? How buried man? thou dost thy office trymm first let me make the most I can of him Alive I made the most of that poor man I'll now as much make of him as I can If his hair, flesh, skynn is nothing worth Then rypp-out's heart; his very heart pull forth Sell it in Spain: folks of those foreign parts Will giv'es good gold for our poor soldiers hearts. 71 A Scotch and Englishe-man made their request Unto the gods that they in heaun might rest We will admit you both the Gods did cry: But Scotchman, unto thee conditionally. Th'agreement's this; if here we thee estate Thou must not be to bold, nor full of prate Nay, more conditions yet; Thou must not lie Nor soothe us up. We Gods hate flattery. 72 Why how now Wasps, are you returned again? I know unstung remains a world of men And therefore once more out; make th' other flight Where if you find no men, on women light Turn tail to them; but mark you what I tell Sting them not much, too much their flesh will swell. 73 My mistress is not light, yet shines she light Her beauties beams appears in darkest night If in the dark she's light, you must confess A Diamond she is, or little less Oh she's a Diamond; in Dark she's light A tutchstone too, and tries if things are right. 74 To gild the heauns, in day, the golden sun Through the clear sky his course doth proudly run The silv'rye Moon (with thousands spanglie lights) Doth likewise brnish-ore the gloomy nights But th'Earth (our sullen dam) to set her forth No taper had until my mistress birth But since her birth th' Earth may with th'eauns compare For to her Lightness they but darkness are. 75 Away with sickly wenches (whitelye faced) And those whose heads with amber locks are graced Those puling creatures are unfit for men They cry they're sick when we have need of them Wouldst chuse-out one unto a man most true? Choose then out one of clear deepe-sanguy'nd hue With black-browne hair: in whose sweet face is set Two sparkling lamps; yet black as blackest jet With dympled chynn, with lips pure rubby-redd This wench a live shalt find with in thy bed I, active, nimble: hah; her stirring sprite Hates sluggish sleep. loves motion all the night Choose such a one; I choose so for my part Such, men should love; such love men with their heart. 66 Oh What a body hath my lady there? she's strangely strong! what burdens she doth bear! Late did a dunghill Carr upon her fall Under which she lay; never hurt at all Oh who but she could live, being so brushed? 'tis wondrous strannge her honours no more crushed. 67 Some Ladies in no coach or croatche will ride Unless they're daubed with gold, such shows their pride▪ Welfare my Lady Constance▪ heaunlie star! She leaves her coatch-of to ride with a Carr I with a dunghill Carr now doth she ride Oh would all Ladies were so free from pride. 78 Poetus with fine sonnets painteth forth This and that fowl ladies, beauties worth He shows small wit thereby; and for his pains (By my consent) he never shall reap gains Why what need Poets paint them? oh sweet elves! Why ladies paint their beauties best themselves. 79 When I to Court did come, I musd▪ to see The Lords so brave. It half amazed me I did expect the most had mourners been All widowers I thought I should have seen I did in deed: This reason for't had I Cause every day their Ladies there do die. 80 My Ladies teeth are always extreme white Yet few knows how they come in that fair plight She rubs 'em not with rank tobacco ashes Nor with pure water, white her fangs she washes Nor be't with water as is stilled from rose Noah hers distilled is from her own sweet nose. For as the tub receives each drop from spout So doth her mouth from her still-dropping snout. 81 When Madam Minsitt at her table sits She seems to strain to swallow down small bits If she but cram a larks thigh down her belly She Streaks, cries she's so full, she burst-shall wellie Pray ask her Fool (she being out a sight) What great bits than must serve her appetite Bits then indeed, Indeed then in her belly Bits of a pound her fool doth puttin wellie. 82 Maid quoth my Lady (as in bed she lies) Make me a Caudle 'gainst such time I rise Die Doctor saith it will do me no harm To put some thing into my belly warm The maid lowe-cursey makes, and cries, forsooth It shall be done; so ambling forth she gooth But she scarce gone, her back not turned wellie But th'usher puts warm caudles in her belly. 83 Boy, bring my horse quoth Shift; but do not tarry This meal I mean to save an ordinary To day my lady Shift-of I'll go see Who will I hope to dinner invite me: I'll bring your horse his boy replies; But sir You'll lose your labour if you visit her Her Cook for dinner nothing ready makes Till dinners paste she always physic takes she'll not be seen; her chamber she keeps then To eat, and feed, and feed, and eat again. 84 Why should Lady my wed? this maradg knot Is knit too fast: till death it looseth not And what are husbands good for? faith d'ye hear For nothing after first or second year Therefore my ladies wise: with out control (To please her body) she may dam her soul▪ An usher she may have now to her mind Now unto what her Ladyships inclined she now may have; her page to come at call A wanton monkey else to sport with all Him may she stroke, lay in her lap, make fat Do any thing with him; yet what a that Now may she ride, walk, dance, kiss, laugh, lie down What may she not do now? noe threatring frown No austere look, no angry bended brow Apales her cheeks. she's free, lives fearless now My ladies wise; there is no married wife Such pleasure takes as she in single life. 85▪ My ladies verdingall is wondrous wide But what a that? she wear'st not so for pride Indeed she doth not sir. yet if you'd know Why'boute her bum so huge a hoop doth go I'll tell it you. Pray sweet sir understand She for a maid doth go, as yet vnmand By virtue of her vardingall, she (wellye) Doth make poor men believe she hath no belly A rare trick 'tis: Great wastes 'twill make seem small And bellies barrell-bigg, seem nought at all. 86 My lady learns her little page to skipp I lie Infaith for tis my Lady's whip But why think you my Lady takes such pains To borrow from Nedds britch such crimson stains Oh Nedd did see lie at my Ladies back My ladies Friend, of which did Edward clack Who can excuse the boy? wag's sworn tooth smock should from their tongues such secret secrets lock. 87 A Cannon-shaken soldier lamelie legged ' Late of a brave Court lady boldly begged Madam (the soldier cried) pray give relief Unto a man dismembered full of grief Want'st members knave quoth she? oh hang thee then We ladies near relieve dismembered men. 88 If you were wise then would you near ask why My ladies woman's tail so oft doth cry Alas her farthingales ' a door so wide As it lets more wind in then t'can abide And that's the cause (Indeed I do not lie) Which makes my Lady's woman's tail so cry. 89 Page (quoth my Lady) go shitt the door. The wind Whispers to loud: a Tyrant 'tis I find And therefore shitt boy shit; shitt-too the door 'tis good let bad guests out, but in no more. T'vnhappie wag (fraught with a knavish wit) Cries, Madam, 'tis not my office doors to shitt Pray bid your gentlewoman do't: her face Doth look as if she would shit every place. 90 By wans wise policy it hath been found That beasts (though near so strong) are always bound The huge great Elaphaunt, the Maystiff Cur By men are bound; both made they dare not stir The princely lion by man's special wit Is forced with mildness in his den to sit But women's near chained tongues (beasts small to th'eye) Man's most engenious wit could never tie Oh men I near shall hold you truly wise Until to hold them engynns you devise. 91 Things that are bitter, bittr'er then gall Physicians holdeth to be physical Then women's tongues me thinks to powder beaten Must needs be so, if as a potion eaten Nothing more bitter is. Therefore I muse Why they in physic women's tongues near use Faith prove them Doctors: use them in a pill: Things oft help sick men which do sound men kill. 92 A Revr'end judge sitting to rite men's wrongs Commandment gave that all should hold their tongues At which as dumb a while the Audience sat Until a woman with her tail gann chat Why who talks there (the reverend father cries?) All hold their tongues (grave judge) the men replies Only a woman troubled here with wind Unto herself (we think) doth break her mind Indeed quoth he to much it is to do T'make women hold their tails and their tongues too. 93 Nay truly husband, pray now husband cease Persuasions cannot move and therefore peace Have not I said I will not? showing why A leadging this strong reason too, For I Me thinks such reasons might ' persuade a man When we say Will not, rocks moves sooner than. 94 In Bed a young man with his old wife lay Oh wife quoth he I've let a thing to day By which I fear I am a loser much His wife replies, youths bargains still are such So turning from him (angry at her heart) She un-awares letts-out a thundering— Oh wife quoth he no loser I am now A marles great saver I am made by you Young men that old wives have need never sell Because old wives (quoth he) lets things so well, 95 A proper man which late had lost that joint Which men ymprysons with a cod piece point Unto a widow came; widow quoth he My wealth is great; speak, wilt thou marry me? About my house, fair goodly pastures have I My fields are large; by which much money save I Cows have I store; and though men should not prise Their own true worths; yet all men hold me wise Nor wit nor wealth I want your love to merritt I am no way defective but in spirit Is't sprite you want? want you a sprite quoth she? Know't▪ were you lord of th' Earth you get and me. 96 Wouldst learn to woe? a Falconer learn to be Wild hawks by watching are made tame you see: So must thou watch thy wench; what though she's'es wild? Yet watch her well shalt rule her as a child I, cast her of; yet hold thou up thy lure Then stoop she will: I, down she will be sure. 97 Lisba hath manly parts; you shall not find A wench on th'earth that bears a manliere mind A wrasler she's; she'el try a fall with any A Fencer she's'es; shath channgd a thrust with many An Archer she's'es; she laies-well to a mark Draws home a shaft; nockt right too in the dark S'hath yet more parts; in part a soldiers she she'll fight, whore, drink, until she cannot see. 98 When rich men's wives are dead (to cover them) They use t'have marble stones laid over them Since 'tis an anncyent custom I much muse Why Harts-head thou dost not that custom use Thy wife was tall, fair, witty: such a one As in her life would not have lacked a stone Therefore Hartes-head, t'eternize her good name Lay over her one, write this upon the same Here lies one dead under this marble stone Which when she lived lay under more than one. Upon her stone write this: yet dost thou hear At name of stone she'll rise again I fear. 99 Smale-witt loves a woman▪ oh wonder strange! But wherefore think you? world 'tis time you channge 'tis time; 'tis high time that you were renewed When men think women virtuoustie endued Ask him why he loves her, up go'es eyes For virtue, For her virtue sir he cries It is her virtue only (sir saith he) That hath so sence-charmd and so ravished me Women virtuous? oh strange unheard of jest▪ World World; thy latter age it seems proves best Fond' Small wit now gives not his love hot chase As others do, only for flesh and case But for her virtue; 'tis for her virtues sake That makes young Smale-witt that chase undertake Now god be'es speed; pray god the youth may wynn her But's chance is rare if he finds virtue in her. Conclusion. 100 Clere-eyd bright Titan always blusheth red When he beetakes him to his Thetis bed The youth full lively god in glowing flame Sits and lies down as if surprised with shame But man, oh shameless man! 'tis cause he spies In's daie-runn course, thy daie-done villainies. 101 My Epigrams make their increase as men As Fathers getteth sons, so sons gets sons again