GREEN'S News both from Heaven and Hell.  
Prohibited the first for writing of Books, and banished out of the last for displaying of coney-catchers.  
Commended to the Press By B. R.  
AT LONDON, Printed, Anno. Domini.  
1593.   

To the renowned Gregory Coolle, chief Burgermaister of the Castle of Clonarde, marquess of merry conceits, and grand Cavalier amongst Boon companions and all good fellowship; At his chaste Chamber at Dublyne in Ireland, B. R. sendeth greeting.  
IT was my fortune (Sir) not long since, to travail between Pancridge Church & Pie-corner, being somewhat late in the Evening, about an hour after the setting of the Sun: and casting up mine eyes towards the skies, to behold the twinkling stars that had then but newly discovered themselves, I might see how the Man of the Moon was beating of his dog. This fearful aspect did wonderfully daunt me, with doubt of some angry accident that might shortly betide me; And I had not paced many steps, but directly in the path before me, there appeared a most grisly ghost wrapped up in a sheet, his face only discovered, with a pen under his ear, and holding a scroll of written paper in his hand. I crosled the way of purpose to shun him, but cross as I could he was evermore before me, that pass I might not, unless I should run over him; I remembered myself how old Fathers were wont to say, that Spirits in such cases, had no power to speak to any man, until they were first spoken unto, and therefore taking unto me a constrained courage, I asked him what he was, & what was his meaning to trouble me in my passage? who answered thus. I am (said he) a Spirit, yet fear thou nothing, for my coming is not to do thee any manner of harm, but to request a matter at thy hands which thou mayst not denay me, for thou must understand, I am the spirit of Robert green, not unknown unto thee (I am sure) by my name, when my writings lately privileged on every post, hath given notice of my name unto infinite numbers of people that never knew me by the view of my person.  
The matter that I would request thee to perform, is the committing of these papers to the Press, wherein, because I have there manifested the very drift of mine own devise, I may therefore be the more sparing unto thee, in relating the circumstances: this may suffice, nor fail not thou to do as I have willed thee.  
Herewithal, popping the papers into my hand, I can not tell what account I should make of his departure, or whether I might say he flew into the air, or sunk into the earth, he was so suddenly vanished out of my sight, but I was glad I was rid of his company, and homeward I went hastily to my lodging: where calling for a light, I began by myself to peruse over these lines, wherein I found such a mess of altogether, that I knew not what I should make of the medley.  
spiced it was here and there with Mystlin, a kind of grain that is made of Knave and Rye, mixed both together, pleasurable it was in many places to be read, and therefore fittest for melancholy humours. And bethinking me of my friends to whom I might commend it, in the end I resolved of your own good self: and the rather finding it to be delightful and pleasant, I thought it a fit restorative to recall you from that melancholy conceit, that hath so long pe●…erd your brains, for the loss of a Mill, dismembered and shalion down by the rage of a pelting puff of wind, but such a paltry tempest should not dismay a man of your spirit, when it is well known to every Gamester, that although the knave of trumps be the second Card at Maw, yet the five-finger may command both him and all the rest of the pack. I could ●…el you a tale (Master Gregory) of an Ass, who leaving the place where he was first soald, fortuned to stray into a strange Forest, and finding the beasts of that Desert to be but simple, and had never seen the majesty of the Lyou, neither had they felt the cruelty of the Tiger, nor had any manner of ways been wronged by the oppressions of the Leopard, the Bear, the Panther, or any other devouring or ravening beasts.  
This paltry Ass, seeing their simple plainness, found means to wrap himself in a lions skin, and then with proud looks and lofty countenance, ranging among the Herds, he would stretch ou●… his filthy throat, bellowing and braying (as nature had taught him) with so hideous and horrible a noise, that the poor beasts that were within his hearing began already to tremble & shake for fear. Then he began to tyrannize, commanding what himself pleased amongst them, and no●… contenting himself with that obeisance, which had been fit for an honourable beast, and more than was due to an Ass, would many times take upon him some duties proper to the person of the Lion himself: and in the end became a notable sheepe-byter, worrying and deuou●…ng whole flocks of poor sheep, that happened within his precinct or jurisdiction.  
The Wolf that had lain all this while close amongst the Mountains, and having gotten understanding of the nature and disposition of this Ass, thought him a fit companion for his consortshyppe, and combined with him in such a friendly league, that between them the one taking opportunity to filch and steal in the night, the other using his tyranny to raven and devour in the day, the poor harmless Cattle that lived within their reach, were still oppressed, & never free from peril. The Ass grew to that greatness that he was surnamed 〈◊〉 superbus, not that Tarquin that ravished Lucretia of her honour, but it was that Tarquin that ravished a Church of her livings: and an Ass I found him, and so I will leave him.  
Peradventure (Ma. Gregory) you expected a wiser conclusion, but what would you look to come from a man that hath been lately so skarred with spirits, that he hath not yet recovered the right use of his senses: it may be true that devils are afraid to pass by a cross, but I am sure knaves are not afraid to shroud themselves behind a Condite. You may perceive (Sir) my wits are set a wandering, but knowing your discretion enough to conceive my meaning, I will trouble you no further, but with this abrupt conclusion will bid you heartily farewell.  
Your assured friend. B. R.   

Green's news both from Heaven and Hell.  
BE not dismayed (my good friends) that a dead man should acquaint you with news, for it is I, I per se I, Robert green, in Artibus Magister, he that was wont to solicit your minds with many pleasant conciets, & to fit your fancies at the lest every qnarter of the year, with strange & acquaint devices, best beseeming the season, and most answerable to your pleasures. Having therefore so many times taken the true measure of your appetites, & finding the very height of your dispositions inclined to novelties that you might the rather see how willing I am to satisfy your humours, I have sent you here the whole discourse of my adventures, what hath be●…yde me since I left the terrestial world, with a very true report of my infernal travails. Strange per adventure for you to understand of, but for the truth of the matter, if you shall any where stand in doubt, do but compare the place with that golden volume of Legenda Aurea, or with the works of that famed wise man Sir Thomas More, in his Book of Quoth I to your friend, and quoth your friend to me, in his discourse of Utopia, & The suppli●…ion of souls in Purgatory. If your conscience be yet scrupe●…, and that these authentic authorities will not fully satisfy you: turn over then to the Remish Testament, and leaving the Chapters and words of the Evangelists, look into the notes inserted by that holy fraternity of I●…suites, and that blessed brood of Seminaries, and tell me then if you do not find matter seeming more incredible than any by me here alleged, and yet I dare boldly avouch it, (and that without blushing) if you consider duly of the circumstances, you shall find no less cause to laugh at the one, then to believe the other. Having thus prepared your minds to receive the certainty of my discourse, now likewise set open your ears, and be attentive to the rest, for thus it followeth.  
When pitiless Death had summoned my soul to leave his transitory estate, infusing his frosty humour through all the parts of my body, leaving my breathless corpse a fit pray for the sepulchre, my deceased ghost wandering now to and fro in many obscure & unknown ways, desirous to find a place of rest, at the length lighted into a strait and narrow tract, so overgrown with briars & brambles, that there was almost no passage left, and as it should seem unto me, did lead unto some ruinated place, where all former trade & traffic was decayed, the solitariness whereof (me thought) was best befitting & answerable to my humour: so that with great difficulty scratching through the bushes, it brought me at the length to the foot of a mighty steep Hil, whose height I was not able to discern, but by the unpleasantness of the path, leading over monstrous Rocks craggy & ill favoured to pass, I perceived it to be the high way to Heaven. But should I tell you here the toil●… that I had to climb this Mountain, with what labour I attained it, how many breathe I took by the way before I could reach it, what folly I found in myself to undertake it, and should I describe unto you at large how many inconveniences they find that undertakes this passage to Heaven, peradventure I might so discourage you, that a great number would never desire to come there at all, but this I can assure you for your better c●…mforts, he that hath a willing mind to undertake this travail, let him bring with him a pottle of that liquor, which I was wont to drink with my Hostess, at the Red lat●…esse in Turmoil street, and he shall find it more available in the furthering of his journey, than a whole poke full of the Pope's pardons.  
When I was gotten up to the top of the Hill, after that I had a little panted for breath, looking forward over a fair green, (as my high way did direct me) I might perceive (a little distant from me) where two were fast together by the ears: weapons they had none, more than their bare fists, but with them they laid on such load, that I perceived the one was loath to remain in the others debt; and I somewhat mending my pace, when I was come unto them, presently knew them both to be of mine old acquaintance, the one Velvet breeches, the other Cloth breeches, between whom I had (not long before) been a stickler, and (as I supposed) had taken a quiet order between them for ending of all controversies. But they never the more upon my arrival forbore the one the other, but sometimes with downright blows, enough to have field a Bullock: sometime with bobs at the lips, able to have dashed out their teeth: otherwhiles lugging one an other by the ears, as if they had committed some offence in listening too lightly after foolish speeches: but Velvet breeches being in the French fashion, with a goodly lock hanging down his left cheek, wherein Cloth breeches had so snarled his fingers, that when I thrust in between them to have parted them, I could not pluck away his hand, till he had plucked away hair and all that he had hold on: but having once put them a sunder, I willed them as they were men to hold their hands, why (qd. I) do you know what you do, or do you remember the place where you are? I am sure we be not far from Heaven gates, and if S. Peter should understand of your abuse, I know he would commit you both to the Porter's Lodge.  
Velvet breeches, who was so far out of breath that h●…e was not able to speak, in the end, when he had a while well blustered and blown, delivered me these words.  
This base fellow, whom I have ever disdained, and although in our late controversy, by the inconsideration of a partial jury, he prevailed against me, sentence being given on his side, the which I think doth encourage him the rather in his presumption toward me, but I ever scorning him, denying him (as he is) unworthy to converse with a Gentleman of any quality or training up: and as I was yerwhiles quietly, traveling all alone in a solitary muse, how I might behave myself when I came to heaven, what salutations I might render to the Saints, with what grace I might give the Baseles manes to the monarchs and great Princes that had reigned in the world, and what countenance I might carry, best beseeming a Gentleman of my reputation & calling, newly coming amongst so many strangers of all sorts, amongst whom I was altogether unknown, and had no manner of acquaintance: as I was painfully and with great difficulty traveling up the hill, in these & other like cogitations, this barbarous fellow (whose rude training up hath better enabled him to endure labour & toil, than those that have lived in pleasure & ease) was followed hard at my heels before I was aware of him, which in truth at the first made me half afraid, but looking back & seeing who it was, my fear was turned into disdain, and my stomach marvelously began to swell against him: but without any mann●…r of word speaking unto him ●… kept my way, the which being so strait (as you know) that there can pass but one at once, I held him behind me, till I was gotten up to the very height of the hill, where the passage growing more spacious, he makes no more ado at the matter, but without any word speaking steps afore, & began to hold on his way as though I had been but his man, and should have waited on him in his journey, the which my stomach not able to brook, I reproved his malipart sauciness; he by and by began to grow into comparisons, both of myself and my petegrée, when it is well known that Velvet breeches was never less than a Gentleman, and Cloth breeches never more than a Peasant, and that I have ever kept company, where such a vassal as he is might be ashamed to show his face, and therefore hold it in great scorn, that he should take the way of me, now traveling to so glorious a presence. Cloth breeches, that stood all this while with his head hanging on the one side, and biting of his neither lip, answered him thus.  
Velvet breeches, touching thy parentage, from whence thou art descended, what thou mayst claim for thy gentility, and how thou maintainest thy bravery, thou knowest hath been already sufficiently disputed upon between us, and by the verdict of a jury, (whom thou falsely accusest of inconsiderate partiality) they have pronounced against thee, and decreed on my side, the which sentence, until by a new trial thou dost seek to aver, thou art not till then able to avoid: I will not therefore reiterate any matter already handled and fully concluded, but briefly to answer thy passed speeches; Thou saidst thou wert half afraid when I first overtook thee, and I believe thee, for I perceived by thy blushing, that either thou wast in doubt of a Constable, that had followed thee with Hue and cry, or of a Bailiff, with a writ out of the King's Bench, that had come to arrest thee: for the geneeositie thou braggest of, acknowledging thyself to be a gentleman, & accounting me for a peasant, I will deal plainly with thee in that: there be some fools in deed like thyself, that do call thee Master Velvet breeches, & me they call goodman Cloth breeches, but look generally through all the parts of England, and you shall see the goodman Cloth breeches at home keeping good Hospitality, when Ma. Velvet breeches sells away his house, or keeps his ●…oores shut and will not be spoken withal: for the company which thou sayest thou hast kept, where I might be ashamed to show my face, I know not where it should be, unless in some brothel house, for those be the places where thou most frequentest: wherein thou hast truly spoken, for there in deed I would be much ashamed to be seen.  
Velvet breeches would feign have replied, but that I interrupted him in these words, saying.  
My Masters and very good friends both, I perceive you have not read all my books, which I have purposely put forth for the benefit of my Countrymen, for if you had but seen Green's farewell to folly, me thinks the bare title, without turning over leaf to look further into the matter, might have moved you to this consideration, that the very ground of your contention is mere folly and flat foolishness, the which you should have shaken hands withal, and so to have bid it adieu, taking a fair farewell of a foul oversight: and in one other of my books, called Green's groats worth of wit: why, if there were but one penny worth of wit equally distributed between you both, you would never use to quarrel, & fall together by the ears as you travel by the way: blame me not my good Countrymen, though I use bitter expulsives to expel your gross errors, you are traveling I perceive to a place of blessed peace & quiet rest, what would you think to enter with malicious minds? no, the Porter is circumspect, & can look narrowly into men's dispositions. You Master Velvet breeches, you are a Gentleman, and you are bravely suited & gallantly appareled, and you peradventure will look for pre-eminence: but do you think that either your great title or gay clothes will any thing at all stand you in steed: no, for S. Peter will first look into your Scutchine, (for if you be a Gentleman you must show your arms, otherwise you will be proved but a counterfeit, and those S. Peter cannot abide) and if there shall be found either in the coat or crest, any bloody or cruel beast, any ravenous or devouring foul, or any other mark or token whatsoever, whereby it may appear, that your gentry hath been advanced by rape, by raven, by bribery, by deceit, by oppression, by extortion, by usury, by perjury, and to make short, by any manner of fraud and subtlety, you are utterly undone, he will lock the gates against you, he will not suffer you to enter. And you goodman Cloth breeches, peradventure you under your simple attire and homely habit, you think to find so much the more favour: but I can tell you it will not serve the turn, for S. Peter shuts out forty false knaves in a year, that come creeping thither in Friars coats, and Monks Cowls.  
I am now to put you in mind of an other of my Books, called Green's never too late: O that you had but read over that Book in time, but now it is too late for me to spend such wishes, and more later for you to redress your former follies, it resteth then that we agree together like friends, and travel together like loving Countrymen: let us not exhibit complaints one against an other, for you shall find we shall be charged with matters more than we shall well be able to answer.  
Truly said Velvet breeches, your wise persuasions hath so lene●…ed my cholloricke passion, that I am contented for this present journey, to admit of Cloth breeches as a companion: neither is it himself that I do so much despise, but his mean and simple attire.  
And for my part (answered Cloth breeches) I can be contented to pass in friendly manner with Velvet breeches: neither is it his gay apparel that I find fault withal, but with his several and sundry abuses.  
Well then (said I) I hope the greatest part of this quarrel is at an end for the present, let us therefore spend no longer time with any further discourse, but let us go forwards till we have likewise ended our journey: agreed said they, and forwards we went, and within a very small distance we might perceive a far more clear and radiant light, than ever before till that present we had beholden, and immediately we might behold the tops of the heavenly buildings, whose towers and turrets were of such exceeding brightness, that our eyes dazzled, we were not able directly to look upon them, which gave us so great comfort, that we mended our pace, till at the last we might hear the most sweet and delectable melody, that ever (I think) happened to any ears, the harmony not possible to be describe; and by this time we were come hard to heaven gates, which we found shut and fast locked, and at the least, a hundredth persons walking up and down with sad and heavy countenances, conferring now and then by two or three together, making semblance by the show of their behaviour, that their minds were perplexed with some distressed grief. This spectacle made me wonderfully to muse, what I might think of the matter, but we three holding still in company, passed too and fro by them, and they likewise by us, we knowing none of them, nor they knowing none of us: at the last meeting with one all alone by himself, whose grave & sober aspects, argued a stayed and discreet mi●…, and leaving my company for the time, I singled him out, first saluting him with a courteous Congee, the which he as kindly returning me again, I began in this sort to enter parley with him.  
Courteous Sir, if a stranger's boldness might not breed offence, I would request you to satisfy me but in this one demand, I am (as you may perceive) unacquainted in this place, having taken a tedious and painful travel, and being now arrived, would be glad to understand the success of my journey, and I have walked too & fro here this long hour, and in all this space I could never see any one pass either in or out, nor the gate so much as opened, which seemeth strange unto me, considering the multitude which do frequent the place, it makes me jealous, that all should not be well in heaven, and to grow into suspicion of I know not what.  
Truly my good friend (answered this grave sir) it should seem you have never been a suitor, that would look for so quick a dispatch, you have walked up and down (you say) here this hour, and there be here in this company, that have traveled as far as you, and have walked up and down here this month, peradventure a year, perhaps more, and would be glad if they might be dispatched yet, within a week, a fortnight, or a month, yea, if it were somewhat more, they would be glad even then to come to an end of their suits, you must (Sir) therefore be contented to stay your time, & to take your fortune, and think you came hither in a very happy hour, if you be dispatched in a quarter of a year. Your news sir (said I) doth not a little make me wonder, but if without offence I might but deal thus much farther with you, what might be the cause I beseech you, that there is no more regard to the dispatching of poor suitors, that have laboured & tired themselves many ways in hope to have here a speedy release, aswell for the redress of their sustained wrongs, as also to be rewarded as they shallbe found worthy by desert? for as it is supposed, this is the very place where Justice & right is most duly administered, & therefore is accounted the only place of comfort: but can there be any greater wrong, than for a man to be so long deferred from his right? or may there be a more discomfort, than when a man shall never hope to have end of his suits?  
My good friend (answered the other again) although you have said no more than is truth: but yet something for your better satisfaction, your consideration must have some reference to the time, for one of the greatest matters that doth hinder the forwarding of suits at this instant, over it hath been in times past, is this, in brief to be spoken, the wonderful affairs of great importance, and the continual business that S. Peter is daily troubled withal.  
What I pray sir (said I) is S. Peter more troubled with business now, than in times past he hath been?  
O sir (said the other) you need not doubt of that, & there is great reason for it, that it can not otherwise be, he hath so many affairs to run through, that it is almost thought impossible how he should execute them all: for first, he is Knight Porter here of heaven gates, a place I warrant you of no less charge than trouble: then, he is constituted the Prince of the Apostles, & confirmed in that authority by all the Popes, for this three or four hundredth ye●…re, so that all the rest of the Apostles can do nothing without his allowance, and whatsoever he doth they cannot recall: then, he is the Pope's Factor, & hath the handling & determining of all causes for him, and hath lately been more troubled with his brablements, for the holding up of S. Peter's chair, than with all the Kings & Princes again in Christendom: four, he is the Master of the Requests, chosen by the papists to present their prayers to God, and they ply him every day with more pelting peti●…ons, than his leisure will permit to look over in a month after: these & so many other matters he hath still to look into, that if he had six able bodies, they were all too little to run through his other affairs.  
Why (said I) this is a piteous case, that having such infinite business, as I perceive by your spceches, that he hath not some assistants to help him, & that so many troubles should not lie all on one man's neck.  
Well (said he) this is your opinion, you have given your verdict, but have you not learned, Quod supra nos, nihil ad nos: it is not for you & me to say what is beho●…ull for Saints, they know their times & what is necessary, better than you or I can instruct than, & therefore not to be found fault withal in any of their dealings.  
These speeches ended, giving him great thanks for his courtesy, I returned again to my two Companions, Velvet breeches and Cloth breeches, to whom I imparted all my news, which struck them both into a sudden dump, but especially Cloth breeches, whose training up had not been accustomed much to give attendance, but it fell out, the very same after noon, that our Lady, with the eleven thousand Virgins, had been walking in the garden to take the air, & in her coming back, fortuning to look out at a Casement, she saw us altogether as we were walking, and calling to her Gentleman usher, she demanded what we were. He answered, that we were Suitors, which there did give our attendance. Alas poor souls (said she) I did perceive in deed by their piteous looks, that their minds were troubled with sorrow and grief, and without any other words speaking, she departed, and causing all other business to be for the time set a part, she took order that all suitors should presently be dispatched.  
The next morning something early, S. Peter came forth to a place where he useth to sit for the hearing of causes, for that there is a custom, that if any man do but once get his feet within heaven gates, he is never after thrust out, and therefore he taketh assured order that none may enter, but such as shall be thought worthy for their deserts to continue the place. S. Peter having now seated himself, order was taken that every suitor should successively be heard, he that had remained longest to be first called, and so to proceed to the second in due course accordingly. I and my two companions were the latest that were there arrived, and therefore the last to be dispatched: the rest were examined by one and one, and that in such severe and strait manner, that amongst every ten, there were scarce one admitted to have entrance into heaven, the Articles that were objected against them, were too many in this place to be rehearsed, but one thing I noted well, which was, there were some that showed him the Pope's Passport, sealed with lead under his privy signet, but Jesus how S. Peter did be fool them, to show him such a writing, being not confirmed under the hands of the four Evangelists, he commanded them presently to avoid and to come no more in his sight.  
Our turns being now come to say for ourselves, I was the first of the three that was called for: S. Peter demanded of me what might be my name, and what trade I had ●…sed. I told him my name was Robert green, by profession a Scholar, and commenced Master of Artes. O (quoth S. Peter) I have heard of you, you have been a busy fellow with your pen, it was you that writ the Books of Coney-catching, but sirrah, could you find out the base abuses of a company of petty varlets that lived by pilfering cosonages, and could you not as well have descried the subtle and fraudelent practices of great coney-catchers, such as rides upon footeclothes, and sometime in Coaches, and walks the streets in long gowns and velvet coats: I am sure you have been in Westminster Hall, where you have seen poor Client's animated to commence actions, and to prosecute suits till they have brought themselves to beggary, & when all is spent they are turned off like fools, and sent home by wéeping-crosse. And let me see now if any of your Crosbyters, your Lyfters, your nippers, your Foysters, or any other of the whole rabblement of your coney-catchers, call him by what name you list, be like unto these, or more mischievous in a Commonwealth. Then have you covetous Landlords, that doth daily so exact and cheat of their poor Tenants, that they were better light into the laps of a Cutpurse, then to dwell within the precincts of a Cuthroat. Yet have you a proud kind of coney-catchers, that having but a Penner and yn●…rne hanging at his girdle, yet creeping into some great man's favour to become his Clerk or Secretary, by plain Coney-catching, within very few years, will purchase three or four hundred pound land a year.  
Or should I put you in mind of great coney-catchers, placed in Offices, who are continually building of houses, and still purchasing of revenues to leave to their heirs, perhaps by deceiving the Prince, or cossoning the Subject, but how should they compass so great abundance, but by some practice in Coney-catching: unless they be such which the Prince doth favour, of whom she bestoweth many gracious and liberal gifts: I will not say there be coney-catchers amongst Clergy men, that will catch at a Benefice sometime before it falls, and now and then by Simony or other corruption having catched two or three, can be contented likewise to catch their Tithes from their poor flock, but very seldom to ●…eede them, or to catch any of their souls to the kingdom of heaven. But now my friend take this for your answer, you that could busy yourself to fable out so many follies without indifferency, and to become a writer with such partiality, I must tell you truth, heaven is no habitation for any man that can look with one eye and wink with the other, for there must none rest there that doth use to halt, but such as be plain and true dealing people.  
I would very feign have replied in mine own excuse, but S. Peter cut me off, telling me that I was answered, and that having mine answer, I should trouble him no further. And forthwith speaking to him that stood next me, asked him his name. Who told him that he was called Velvet breeches. S. Peter asked him further, what Countryman he was. He answered an Englishman. I cannot think you to be a natural Englishman, said S. Peter, for that I never heard of any of your name in that Country. Yes Sir (if it please you) said Velvet breeches, my ancestors came in with the Conquest, and my predecessors have still continued Gentlemen both of Worship and credit.  
As Velvet breeches had ended these words, there happened to come by, divers Princes that had reigned Kings of England, all of them mounted upon great Horses, and had been abroad upon the green running at the King: the which Princes being espied by S. Peter, he called unto them, requesting them a little to stay: and then pointing to Velvet breeches, he demanded if any of them did know him, or any of his name remaining in England, in the time of their reigns and governments? But they denayed altogether that ever they had seen him, or ever known any Gentleman of English birth that was of his name.  
Amongst this royal troop, was King Henry the third, and he confidently protested, that in the time of his reign, there was no such person to be found, for said he, I sent one of my servants to buy me a pair of hose, and he returned again with a pair that was but of six shillings and eight pence the price: wherewith I being displeased, fold him that I would have had him bestowed a mark of a pair, but he said there were none such to be got. But as for the other Cloth breeches that standeth by him, I know him very well by his looks, he doth so much resemble his ancestors, and hath the very lively picture of his Predecessors, the which were very honest plain dealing men, without any manner of falsehood or deceit.  
S. Peter thanked them of their pains, and thus the Princes departed, who being gone, S. Peter said: You have heard Ma. Velvet breeches what hath passed, but yet because you have avouched yourself to be a Gentleman, you shall have this favour, we will examine some other of later time, who peradventure may better call you to remembrance. There stood a Messenger by, whom S. Peter willed presently to go fetch him some Englishman, that was but of some ten or twenty years residence in the place, charging him to go with speed, and to make a quick return. The Messenger met with a company that were new come out of a Tennis court, amongst whom was a Mearcer, that within these ten years had dwelled in Cheapside, him the Messenger brought to S. Peter, who demanded of him, if he did know a Gentleman in England, called by the name of Ma. Velvet breeches. Yea marry said the Mearcer, I know him to my cost, for this is he that stands by me, and here I avouch it before his face that he is no Gentleman, but a proud dissembler, and a cozening counterfeit: which if it shall please you to give me leave, I will prove before this holy company. Saint Peter answered, we do not only give you leave, but also do straightly command you to speáke a truth, and withal, to speak no more than is truth, what you are able to charge him withal, and how you are able to pr●…ue your words.  
The Meareer answered, it were too much impiety for a man in my case to raise any slander, or maliciously to accuse any man wrongfully: but to the end the truth of the matter might more evidently appear, I must crave pardon a little to use circumstances, and thus it followeth.  
About fourteen or fifteen years since, when I kept a shop in Cheapside, following there my trade, this counterfeit Gentleman, being consorted with another of his own pitch, a bird of the same feather, although in times past, his only samiliaritie was but with Dukes, Earls, Lords, and such other worthy personages, yet at this day an ordinary companion, and conversant with every skypiacke, and himself of base condition and a common Cozener, his name called Silk stockings. These two copesmates, Velvet breeches and Silk stockings changing their names, and because I will not be offensive to other Gentlemen, that peradventure be of the same name which they then took to themselves, I will call Velvet breeches master White, and Silk stockings, he shall be master Black, these two counterfeit Gentlemen, master White and master Black, providing themselves of Lodgings, Master White as it might be in Graties street, in a house where no body knew him, and Master Black in Fanchurch street, fast by where he found as little acquaintance. Their Lodgings being thus provided, Master White walking into Paul's, and seeing many bills set up on the West door by such as wanted Masters, perusing the bills, and finding one that he thought might be ●…itte for his purpose, (and in truth was as cozening a knave as he himself) gave notice under the bill, that he should repair into Graties' street, and at such a sign inquire for Master White.  
The fellow finding his bill subscribed, (and hoping now to light upon some cheat) made hast the same night, & came to Ma. Whites Chamber: Sir (saith he) I perceive your Worship wants a servant, and I am the party whose bill it hath pleased you to subscribe, and would be glad to take any pains with a good Master to please him. O says Ma. White art thou he? Marry it is truth, I would give entertainment to a young fellow that would be diligent and trusty. If it please you sir, (answered the party that meant nothing but deceit) I will find you sureties for my truth and good behaviour. Thou sayest well (says Ma. White,) but trust me, I like thy looks well, me thinks thou hast a good honest face: but tell me if thou wilt be with me, I must have thee immediately.  
Sir, answered the other, if it please you to give me leave till the Morning, that I might fetch some few things that I have to shift me withal, I will then attend your Worship. Very well (says Ma. White) thou mayst do so, and till then farewell.  
Here was now a Master and a man well met, for the Master meant to use his man but to serve his turn for a point of cozenage, and the man meant to use his Master, till he might find opportunity, to run away with his purse or some other of his apparel, as he had done before with many others. But according to appointment, in the Morning trusty Roger came, and was received of his Master, who now with his man at his heels, frequented his friend Ma. Blacks Chamber for a day or two, and the one of them could not be without the others company, but master Black must dine with master White at his Chamber, and Ma. White must sup with master Black in his Chamber: but the sequel was, master White with his servant attending of him, walking into Cheapside, and lighting into my shop, demanded of my servants where their Master was, they told him that I was within, & that if it pleased him to have any thing with me, they would call me. Yes marry would I (says he,) I pray you call him, for I would speak with him. One of them telling m●… that there was a Gentleman in the shop that would speak with me, I came down, and Ma. White first courteously saluting me, began in this sort to discourse with me.  
Sir, I am a Gentleman, belonging to such a Noble man in the North parts of England, and in truth the Steward of ●…ys house, and having now some business for my Lord here in the ●…itty, which I am come to dispatch, I must disburse some money upon Velvets & other Silks both for my Lords and Lady, and I tell you truth they are such wares as I have little skill to make choice of: the matter why I was desirous to speak with you, was but to commit that trust to yourself which I durst not adventure with your man, and my request is, that you would deal so honestly with me, as I might not be deceived in the choice of my stuff, the bene●…e that you shall win by your good usage is, you shall receive ready money for such wares as I mean at this present to buy, and you shall win a customer, of whom hereafter you may take greater sums.  
I hearing his smooth speeches delivered under pretence of honesty, and seeming otherwise, both in the show of his apparel and the dutiful attendance of his man, that he had been (indeed) some Gentleman of reputation and good reckoning, desirous so much the rather to win such a customer, I told him that I would not only fit him with as good stuff as any man in London should show him, but also in the price I would use him with such reason, as in any other place they were able to afford him: the which promise (in very deed) I meant faithfully to perform.  
Herewithal, he drew a paper forth of his pocket, wherein he began to read: Item for my Lord, two yards and a half of Black velvet, and two yards and a half of Kusset velvet, for two pair of Hose, with three yards and a half of Black satin, and as much of Kusset for ●…blyting. Item for my Lady, fourteen yards of the best three pilled velvet for a lose Gown, with six yards of Peach coloured satin for her Petticoat. Item for Mistress jane & Mistress Frances, fourteen yards of double tursfed Taffeta for each of them a Gown: and twelve yards of Cornation satin for their Petticoats. To conclude he brought me out so many Items, that the prices of the wares amounted to 50. and odd pounds, the which when I had sorted him out, he began to find fault that they were too high rated, praying me to set my lowest price, for that he meant to pay ready money, and therefore if I would not be reasonable, he must be driven to seek some other shop. I very loath to drive him away, pitched him a price so reasonable, as in truth I was not able better cheap to afford them: but his mind being only set upon cozenage, told me he durst not adventure to give so much money, and thus away he went.  
Within an hour after, having sent away his man, which of purpose he had done, he returned again, and finding me in my shop, he asked me if I would abate no money in my stuff: I thinking he had been some other where to cheapen, told him I had rated them so reasonably, as I was able to afford them: and that I was sure, in any shop where he had since been, he had not found the like wares for the like price.  
Nay truly, (said he) I have not been in any other place to cheapen any such stuff, but yet since I left your house I have disbursed forty pounds in other things, that I have sent to my Lodging by my man: but I see you are hard, and yet sith I have dealt thus far with you, I will not forsake you, come therefore and cut me of the parcels. The which accordingly I did, and laying them together, he desired me to cast the total sum, the which as before I have said, amounted to fifty and odd pounds.  
Sir, (said he) I must crave to borrow one of your servants, to help me home with this stuff, and he shall bring you your money: I have sent mine own man about business, and have no body here now to help me. Very well Sir said I, my man shall wait upon you, or do any other courtesy.  
And thus willing one of my men to take up the stuff and follow him, I delivered him a note what money he was to receive. Together they go, till they came to his Chamber in Graties' street, where they found his man remaining, who (indeed) was somewhat perplexed in his mind, because there was nothing there of his Masters, that was worth the carrying away, unless he should have taken th●…●…tes from the bed, but that he deferred, hoping shortly to light of a better cheat. But Ma. White demanded of his man, if Master Black had not been there since his coming into the Chamber? who answered him no, neither had he seen him all that day.  
Master White with that seemed as though he began to be angry, and willed his man presently to haste to his Chamber, and to will him withal speed, to bring away the two hundred pounds the he was to receive, or at the least to bring one of them with him immediately, for that he was to pay the greatest part of it to one that stayed in his Chamber for it. Away went his man, and in the mean time Ma. White entertained my man in this manner. He asked him if he had any acquaintance with some Goldsmith in the row that was his friend, and would use him well in the buying of a Chain and a pair of Bracelets, and not to exact too much of him for the fashion. My man told him, that he was well acquainted with two or three that would deal very reasonably with him.  
He seemed to give my man great thanks, and ●…old him, that so soon as his man was returned, and that he had paid him his money, he would himself go back with him and buy them. His own man in this mean space, was come to Master Blacks Chamber, whom he found within, provided for the purpose, and was as busy with a Standishe, a great many of papers lying before him, and a whole set of Counters in his hand, as though he had been casting up of as huge sums as the King of Spain receiveth from the indies. He had likewise lying before him, a great bag full stuffed, making show as if it had been a great bag of money: the sight whereof gave the Messenger so good an appetite, that he wished the bag and himself ten miles out of the place. But doing his masters message, master Black answered him that he was so full of present business, that he could not stir forth from his Chamber, but (saith he, the money thou seest where it lieth, and if he will come hymse●…, or send some other to tell it and receive it. Why Sir (said the other) if you please to deliver me the money, I can carry it. Yea (says Master Black) but your Master I perceive is in such haste, as he would be offended if you should stay the telling of it, but go your ways to him and tell him what I have said, and then let him choose whether he will come or send, the money is here ready for him, away goes this companion, comforting him with the assured hope, that the carrying of this bag would have lighted to his lot, which if it had, he meant to have given them all the slip, or his cunning should have failed him: but coming to his Master, he told him that Master Black was so busy in his Chamber casting up of accounts, that he could not come, but Sir (said he) the money I did see lying upon the Table ready for you, and he would have delivered it unto me, but that I feared my long staying in the telling of it might have offended you.  
Why then (said Master White) go your ways back again, and I will entreat this good fellow to go with you, (meaning by my man) to whom he further said: I pray thee my good friend do so much as go with my man, and first pay yourself according to your note, and help him then to tell out the rest, for I think his skill will scarce serve him to tell so much money, and drawing out of his pocket, a pair of gold weights, which he delivered to my man, he said, and I beseech you if any part of his payment be in gold, see that it be neither cracked nor crazed, and that it carries weight, and I pray you in your coming back again with my man, do so much as call in here, and I in the mean time will dispatch a little business, and will by that time be ready to go with you unto the goldsmith's row, where I must crave your help for the buying of this Chain and Bracelets. My man suspecting no manner of deceit, went a long with his man: but coming to Master Blacks Chamber, there was no body to be found, neither could any of the Servants of the House, say whither he was gone, they saw him go forth but a little before their coming in, but whither he went they could not tell; whereupon, they both together returned back again to certify Master White: but coming to his Chamber, he was likewise gone, and had carried away all the same stuff which my Servant had left with him: my man beginning but now to suspect, when it was too late, immediately caused the Officers to lay hold of Master Whites man, and he was carried directly to the Counter, where he began to curse the time that ever he met with such a service, con●…essing that he had coosoned many Masters before, but now he had met with a Master that had a little overreached him. But I upon my man's return, came to the places where they had been lodged, and made what inquiry I could, but there was no body that had any manner of knowledge of them, for they came thither not above four or five days before, making show that they were new come forth of the Country, and that the carriers were not yet come with their Trunks and apparel, and during the time of their abode, had never spent penny in the house, for meat, drink, nor lodging, which made them protest, it should be a warning unto them, what guests they received again so long as they kept house, and here was all the remedy that I could have, but in the end I had intelligence of many other like coosonages, they had committed in the City, and the parties were well known to be Master Velvet breeches & Master Silk stockings, two counterfeit Gentlemen, that to maintain their bravery, practised such deceits, and would not stick many times to rob by the high way: for the varlet committed to the Counter, whom I could no ways charge with any practice towards me, I released him freely, but for some other villainies which before he had committed to others, and by himself confessed, he was whipped at a Cartes arse, and after burnt through the ear, and so commanded to audyde the City.  
Thus much (as it hath pleased you to command me) I have truly signified, what knowledge I have had of this Gentleman, Master Velvet breeches.  
S. Peter standing up, said: Velvet breeches, thou hast heard what hath been avouched against thee, and I wonder how thou durst presume to present thyself in this place, knowing the guiltiness of thine own conscience: but I see thou art shameless, and for such persons as thou art there is an other place prepared, to the which thou must departed, for here thou mayst not bide: then speaking to Cloth breeches he said, and for thee Cloth breeches, of whom I have heard so good report, thou mayst separate thyself from thy two companions, & enter into that bliss, where thou shalt find a happy reward for an honest life; and thus as her was (by seeming) ready to departed, he espied where one was coming alone by himself, within a little distance, whom S. Peter perceiving to be a stranger, stayed his coming, and then speaking unto him, he demanded of him what he was: who answered, that he was a poor Yorkeshyre man, a Brick-layer by his occupation, and one that had truly laboured for his living all the days of his life: and (said he) our Master Vicar hath many times told us, that if we get our livings honestly with the sweat of our brows, we shall go to heaven, and there we should have such peace, such quiet, such joy, such comfort, such pleasure, and so many God morrows, I cannot tell what, but (of his words) I have had but an ill-favoured journey hither, and what I shall find I cannot tell yet.  
S. Peter seeing his simplicity, said, why then my friend come and follow me, and tell me hereafter how thou likest of the place.  
The fellow hastily replied, saying: I pray sir let me first ask you a question, do use to let any women come into Heaven amongst you?  
Why not (said Saint Peter) what should make thee to doubt of that?  
Why then I pray sir (said the other) did there not a woman come hither about a six weeks a go, with a blear eye, a snotty nose, a blabber lip, a stinking breath, her voice was very shrill, and her speech thick and short.  
But how dost thou call her name (said S. Peter) whom thou hast described, with so many lovely tokens?  
Her name (said the other) is called Margery Sweet, but yet more oftener called by the name of Mannerly Margery.  
Why she is in heaven (said S. Peter) and if thou hast any thing to say to her, thou mayst there find●… her?  
Marry God bless me from thence (said the other) if she be there, I know her fashions too well, to come any more where she is, she was my wife, and I was married to her sixteen or seventeen years, and I faith all heaven would be too little for her and me, and if we should once meet again, but I am now rid of her, and I hope I will keep me so, she shall not cast it in my teeth, that I was so far in love with her to follow her, as she hath many times done: telling me, that if I had not been she might have had a Minstrel, that would have got more money in a week with his Fiddle, than I could get in a month, with laying of Brick.  
S. Peter, with the rest of the company, hearing the mad disposition of the fellow, departed, leaving behind him, myself, Velvet breeches, and this Brick-layer, who forsook to go into heaven because his wife was there; you may easily guess, Velvet breeches and I were perplexed with sorrow enough, but it was too late now for us to bethink ourselves what we ●…hould have done, and rested only for us to determine what we must do, & the further we found ourselves bereaved of all possibility, to recover again what we had lost, the nearer approached the horror of our grief and torment: but we had received our final sentence, and there was no place longer for us to stay in, the comfort that was left us, was to see if we could find means to get into Purgatory, hoping there to find some release, by the prayers and charitable devotions of good people, and with this resolution we set forward of our journey: the Brick-layer overtaking us, desired us to accept of his company, protesting that he would be a partaker of our fortunes, whatsoever did betide us.  
Velvet breeches demanded of him what was his name: The other told him that before he was married, they called him Ruffling Richard, but after that he was married, they never used better addition than plain Dick. Truly friend Richard (said Velvet breeches) me thinks you are too plain, and more simple, to forsake heaven because your wife is there. I pray you sir (said Richard) were you ever married? Yes marry was I, (said Velvet breeches) but what of that? I do not understand you (said Richard) for I demand of you, if ever you had a wife? And I tell thee I had a wife, (said Velvet breeches) why dost thou ask me that? Good Lord (said Richard) I never heard a wise man make so foolish an answer, for I ask you if you were married? and you say yes: and when I demand if ever you had a wife, you answer, I marry had I, and what then? And dost thou call that a foolish answer (said Velvet breeches) what, wouldst thou have me say, yes foorsooth? No sir, no, (said Richard) but I will teach you some wit how to answer to such a question; when a man doth ask you if you have a wife, you must say, yes I thank God, or, yes I cry God mercy, for so a man shall directly understand you: for if you say, yes I thank God, by that we may understand you have a good wife, for the which you are bound to thank God highly, because few men doth happen of the like: but if your answer be, yes I cry God mercy, Sub intelegitur, such a wife as mine was, and then you would never have accounted me simple, to leave heaven to ●…hunne her company, because a man shall live more quietly amongst all the devils of hell, than it is possible for him to do, that lights on such a wife.  
Hearing these pleasant speeches in this manner delivered by Richard, I could not choose but smile, notwithstanding my cause of grief: and taking it to be a benefit of fortune, that had vouchsafed to favour us with the company of this merry conceited Brick-layer, whereby to beguile our pensive thoughts with his pleasant discourses, in this our tedious travel. I questioned with him of his wife, what she was when he married her, whether a widow or a maid, by what means he came acquainted with her, and how she became so unruly. Richard in this sort began to discourse.  
When I was young (said he) I was as handsome a fellow, as any was in the parish where I was borne: and for my valour, I durst have traveled into any Gentleman's Buttery, when all the Barrels had been full, without either sword or dagger about me: for my resolution, if I had once gotten under a maidens Chamber window, I would never have started, till they had emptied a Camber pot on my bead: for my courage, I duist have gone into any bawdy house, and would have come ●…ut again as honest a man, as when I went first in: for my credit, I might have run on the score for six pots, with any Alewife that kept house within five miles where I dwelled: for my qualities every manner of way, I had the pre-eminence amongst all the youths that were in our quarters, for at May-tyde, who was the ringleader for the fetching home of a Maypole, but I: at Midsummer, I was chosen the Summer Lord: at every Bridal, who must dance with the Bride, but Ruffling Richard: Thus for a pleasant life, the Constable of the Parish lived not more merrily than I, and for my reputation, I was almost as much reverenced as our Churchwardens: but, as the stoutest stand of Ale, at last is set a tilt, and the fattest Goose comes soonest to the spit; so, my former fortunes were drawn to their layest date, and my prime of pleasures concluded with mishap: but oh love, O cruel love, that wast the first front to my felicities; But who can resist love, if it be once crept into the bottom of a man's belly? O what a rumbling it makes in his guts, and how it bethrobs him about the heart: and see now the sequel of my mishap. I fortuned to be at a Shéepe-shearing, where I met with Margery, she that was my wife, in a fine red petticoat, with damask upper bodies, a white apron before her, & upon her head a broad felt hat, with a brave branch of rosemary sticking in her bosom, appointed amongst the rest with a pair of shears, to help shear Sheep, and I having brought forth a lusty young Ram, would have laid him in her lap, but she resusing to take him, said unto me: now good friend Richard if you love me, bring me none but poulde sheep, for of all things in the world, I cannot away with these horned be●…stes. When I heard these mild words, thus gently spoken, & how kindly she pronounced this sentence (Good friend Richard if you love me) O heavens (thought I) what a sweet charm is this: then nothing her modesty, that she could not abide the sight of a horned beast, I began to think with myself, how happy might that man be accounted, that could light of such a wife, & having but a little thus given scope to mine own affections, Love, that had his tinder box ready to strike fire, by this time had set my fancy of such a flame, that not longer able to endure the heat without a cup of Sack, I said unto her; Margery, your manner of phrase hath wonderfully troubled me, for in your first speeches you call me your good friend Richard, and then you come in with a doubtful demand, in these words, (if you do love me) as though I could be your good friend and yet did not love you: but Margery, sith you have popped me such a doubtful question, if you and I were alone by ourselves, I would pop you such an answer, that you should well find that I loved you, and that hereafter you might leave out your if, and say, Richard as you love me.  
With these words prettily casting her head at one side, she gave me such a learing look, that might as well have daunted me with despair, as given me comfort & hope of grace: for the one of her eyes was bleared, and seemed as though she wept, the other was a pretty narrow pinckeny, looking ever as though she smiled, so that in her very countenance at one instant, you might behold pleasure and pain, pity and rigour, courtesy and cruelty, love and disdain: and then with a sweet voice, like one that were ask an alms, she said.  
Richard, if you love me as you say, your love shall not be lost, but men are so crafty now a days before they are married, that they will make a maid believe they love her, till they have got up her belly, and then they will not stick to deny their own children, and that makes women when they be once married, to play their husbands such a cast, that they shall not know their own children: but if your love be no such love Richard, you shall not find me unkind. When I heard the wisdom of the wench, it made my pulses so to beat, that I had thought my codpisse point would have fallen a sunder: but for answer I said.  
Margery, your sober speeches so wisely delivered, together with your sweet countenance so lovely placed, hath so prevailed with your good friend Richard, that for the better confirmation of my love, receive here this token, as a pledge of my good will: and taking then a two penny piece which I had in my purse, I bowed it and gave it to her, the which when she had received, she said.  
Well Richard, now I do account you as mine own, and at night when my Mother is gone to bed, if you will come home, we will there talk farther of this matter: & for your welcome, I will bestow of you a mess of Cream.  
Margery (said I) look you keep your promise, for I will be there, and because you will be at so much cost with a mess of Cream, I will bring with me a penny worth of spycecakes: And although we had thus referred over farther speeches till our next meeting, yet during the time that we remained there in place, O how many amorous glances and loving countenances there passed still too and fro between us: but at night my appointed time being come, thither I went, and Margery was at the window watching for my coming, who having once espied me, she opened the door, where she received me with such a sweet kiss, as if her breath had been lately perfumed for the purpose, whose dainty smell was as savoury, as if it had been a red herring that had been newly roasted: her lovely lips pleasant and soft, like a lock of wool that was but then come out of the seam basket: but should I tell you of all the other love tricks that passed between her and me that night, I might either oppress your stomach to think of it, or otherwise perhaps make you ashamed to hear it: but let this suffice, before I departed, our marriage day was appointed, and Margery in time made her Mother acquainted with the matter, who nothing misliking of her Daughter's choice, gave her her blessing, with many other good helps to furnish forth her bridal day, the which when time had drawn to be solemnized, and that the lusty youths of the Parish were gathered together to go with us to Church, & the young Damosels were flocked on a heap to wait on the Bride, attending her coming forth. The good old woman her Mother, who had been ever chary of the lovely Chicken her daughter, and even at the very instant when we were ready to go to Church, she was scooling of her with this exhortation.  
Margery, (said the) the day is now come for the which you have so much longed after, it is twenty years ago since you first wished for a Husband, and by'r Lady daughter you were then seventeen or fifteen years of age, so that at this present you want not above two or three of forty: now if wit went by years, you are old enough to be wise, but I being your Mother, besides my many years which might advance my skill, so I have buried four several husbands, (the heavens be praised for it) which hath so much the more confirmed my experience in the dispositions of men, and can the better judge of their natural inclinations: and by all that I have gathered by mine own proof and practice, I have found it still by trial, that the fantasies of men, are evermore best fitted with the follies of women. But leaving generalities, and to come to so much as concerneth but thyself, that art now to be married to a husband, who in respect of his age thou mightest be his Mother: and couldst thou now but consider, what a comfort it is for an old Woman, to be lovingly embraced by a young man, O daughter daughter, thy mother's mouth gins to water, but with the very imagination to think of the pleasure, and therefore happy mayest thou deem thyself, that art so likely to enjoy it.  
But here is now a great piece of discretion to be used, for as age conceiveth such contentment with the society of fresh and pleasant youth, so youth will quickly fall a loathing of cold and crooked age, if the parties be not wise to enforce that by art, that they are otherwise denayed by nature: which is, to show a youthful disposed mind, how far so●… they be spent in years: for it is a tired jade that cannot cry wee-hee, and a sorry Mare that cannot wag her tail. Thou art now to consider the inequality of the years between thyself and thy husband, and therefore a little to whet him on to make him to like of thee the better, it shall not be amiss for thee to show some youthful conceit, especially being thy bridal day, it is tolerable for thee a little to play the wanton.  
I can tell thee daughter, men are well pleased to see their Wives youthfully given, and there is nothing that doth more delight them, then to see them wanton disposed: and this is the mean to win your husband's lik●…ng, and to draw him to that appetite, which your many years might quench: remember therefore what I have told you, and fail not for your advantage, to show some youthful trick.  
Margery making a mannerly curtsy, said: Yes forsooth Mother, I will remember all that you have told me.  
By this time all things being prepared, to Church we went, where the Priest having once done his office, we returned again, and were accompanied with our neighbours and friends that went home to dinner with us: for whom there was provided Fyrmentie and Minced Pies, besides other good meat both roast and sodde: the which being all ready, Margery was placed at the upper end, between two of the most substantial honest men, according to the custom of the Parish, and myself likewise, (as the manner was) did wait that day at the Table, with a napkin hanging on my shoulder.  
But O what a comfort it was unto me, to see how daintily Margery fed of every dish that came near her, and how lustily she laid about her for her victuales And (thought I) if it be true as some will say, that a good feeding Horse will go through with his labour, than I warrant if I give Margery her meat, I need not fear to ride her where I list. But Dinner being almost at an end, and the cakebread and Cheese ready to be set on the Table, the good old Woman her Mother, who had likewise been very busy that day in taking pains to fill the pots, and to carry away empty dishes, began to cheer up the company, bidding them welcome, and telling them she was sorry there was no better cheer for them.  
Margery presently upon the sight of her Mother bethought herself what she had to do, and calling now to mind what lesson she had given her, and how she had willed her that day to show some youthful trick, thereby to purchase the favour of her husband, and picking out at that very instant a fit opportunity to perform it, she called to her Mother in this youthful manner, Munna, up and cack. The old Woman hearing her Daughter, said: Why how now Margery? ●…e for shame, will you speak bugs words? Can you not prettily have said: I pray you Mother have me up to pick a Rose, nay now I see you play the wanton too much.  
Then speaking to the company that safe by, she said: I pray you bear with my Daughter's childishness, for I know it is the Firmentie that doth so much annoy her, for even from her very infancy, if she had taken any spoon meat, she was still troubled in the bottom of her backside with a great ventosity.  
The neighbours seeing the cleanliness of the wench, did ever after that call her by the name of mannerly Margery. Thus much to answer your former demand concerning my wife, whether she were a widow or a maid: by the circumstances whereof, you may perceive she was a maid, although a very old one, and yet not so far spent in years but she was able to play a youthful trick. And now for the rest that concerneth but the tragedy of mine own misfortune: to signify the matter at large, would be tedious for you to hear, & fearful for me to declare, the very memory whereof were enough to make me tremble, but that I know I am far enough from her that was the minister of my woe.  
Let this suffice, within a very few Months after I was married, Margery began to grow jealous, for if she had once been thirsty, and that I wanted money to send to the Alehouse, she would tell me that I spent a way my thrift amongst some other young Queans: here began our first falling out, and to set forward the matter, there dwelled at the very next house by me, a Tailor, who had a wife that was sure once a day to measure the breadth of her husband's shoulders with his own mete-yard.  
Margery and this tailors wife grew to be acquainted, and amongst other conclusions it was agreed between them, that to prevent diseases, and to preserve them in health, they would every morning next their hearts, take a physical diet, which was, a full quart of the quintinsence drawn from an Ale-tub, warmed by the fire, with a grated Nutmeg, half a yard of Black-pudding roasted on a gridiron, a quantitle of salt, with a measure of fine Wheate-flower, first made into paste, and after baked in a loaf of bread: these ingrediences, after they had incorporated altogether, they would afterwards lightly fast till noon. And they found such a commodity in using this Medicine, that if the Tailor and I had not every morning given them money to pay for the simples, it had not been good for us to have come that day after in their sights: for the tailors wife, she could handle a mete-yard or a cudgel passing nimbly, but Margery had gotten the practice of all manner of weapons. For besides that she had the use of her nails, which she employed many times about my face, she could likewise handle a pair of bellows about my pate, a pair of tongues athwart my shins, a firebrand sometimes should fly at my head, a ladle full of scalding liquor otherwhiles in ●…y bosom, a three footed stool, a pot, a candlestick, or any other thing what soever came next her hand, all was one to her: and she had learned such a dexterity in the delivery, that they should have come whirling about mine ears.  
In the end, devising with myself a remedy for these mischiefs, I found the means to be made the Constable, hoping that mine Office would have been a protection to me for a year, and that she durst not have stricken her majesty's Officer. But within a day or two, it was my fortune to hit on a pot of strong Ale, which she had set up in a corner for her own drinking, and I (being thirsty) gave it such a soup, that I left very little behind. The which afterward when she came to seek for, and found her store so pittisullie impaired, against my coming home at night, she provided herself of a waster, and I was no sooner entered the doors, but forth she comes with her cudgel in her hand, and with such a terrible countenance, that were able to affright any man that should behold it.  
Richard, said she, I had thought you would never have given me occasion to be jealous of you, but now I see you love a cup of strong Ale better than you love me, and do you not think then that I have great reason to be displeased with your unkindness towards me, and to beat out that lack of love that doth make you so lightly to regard me.  
Margery, said I, take heed what you do, for you know that I am her majesties Officer, and here I charge you in the queens name, that you hold your hands. What Master Constable, said she, have you gotten an enchantment for me, or do you think that your charm shall serve to excuse you? No sir no, for now you have deserved double punishment: first, you being an Officer if you offer wrong, your punishment must be so much the more grievous, and is it not mere injustice to take that which was not provided for you: next, you have deserved to be well punished, for the little reverence you have used in the execution of your office: commanding me in the Queen's name to hold my hands with your cap on your head, nor using any other duty or reverence: but Matster Constable, I will teach you how to use an Office, and with that she let fly at my head, at my shoulders, at my arms, and still she would cry, remember hereafter how you do your Office, remember your duty to the Queen, remember when you command in her majesties name, that you put off your cap, and do it with reverence: and such a number of other remembrances she gave me, as I think there was never poor Constable before nor since, so instructed in an office as I was. To tell you of many other like remembrances which at ●…ther times she bestowed on me, I should but trouble you, but the conclusion is, I am now rid of her, and they say that the distance between Heaven and Hell is great, but if they were a sunder five times further than they be, if I might understand where she were in the one, I would never rest till I were got to the other.  
Richard having thus discoursed the whole course of his life, of his liking, of his love, of his pleasure, of his pain, although the subject of the matter were scarce worth the hearing, yet considering the place whether we were going, it kept a fit Decorum with the journey we had in hand: and as the tale itself was tedious, so by this time we were over passed a long and wearisome way: the best commodity, the tract was large and spacious, and still descended down a Hill into the bothome of a Ualley, glooming and melancholy to behold, where we might espy one with a Wax Candle lighted in his hand, who was walking by himself, prying and tooting in every corner, and many times stumbling, and ready to fall where the way was plain and smooth, that we took him to be some blind man that had lost his way, whereat we began to wonder what he should do with candle light, that could not see to guide his steps at high noon days. But we keeping on our way, were drawn so near him that we might perceive he had the use of his eyes, yet he never perceived us, till I saluted him, and bade him God speed. Whereat he suddenly started, as if he had been half in a fright, but when he had awhile taken the gaze on us, he demanded of us how far we had come that way. I told him that we were come from Heaven, and that we were going to seek out the place of Purgatory, desiring him that if he were acquainted in those quarters, that he would direct us the ready way to go thither.  
Alas Gentlemen (said he) that is the place that I have been seeking for this long month together, and I think there is no corner between this and Hell that I have left unsearched: and were it not for this holy Candle, whose virtue is able to defend me from the enchantment of any spirit or devil, I would think I were goblin lead, I have wandered so far about, ●…uermore hitting into dangerous high ways that leadeth to Hell, and could never find out the path that should bring me to Purgatory.  
Truly my friend (said I) if I be not deceived, the light which you carry in your hand (wherein you repose your greatest confidence) is the very mean of your mistaking, & hath so much dimmed your sight and dazzled your eyes, that you cannot see the right way, but makes you thus to run stumbling about, and to wander to and fro, that you yourself knows not whether, I would wish you therefore to leave it, and you shall see so much the better how to direct your steps. What said he, would you have me leave my holy Candle, marry God and good S. Francis bless me out of that mind: but if you be of that Religion, I would be sorry to tarry in your company, unless I might induce you by persuasion to think more reverently of holy things.  
Truly (said I) a little inducement shall suffice to persuade me to any reasonable matter, and good counsel is evermore to be embraced, but especially at this instant, my case being now as it is.  
Why then (said he) I will tell you a true tale, wherein you shall perc●…ue the wonderful effect that Holy water hath in working against the devil, and this it is. There was not not long since, a very proper young woman, that was possessed of a fiend, who did so torment & vex her, that althou●…h she would not go to any Sermons, nor would ever receive the Communion, yet she would sometimes go to Church, and say her Pater noster in English, and now and then eat flesh on Fridays, and would commit many other heresies, which this devil tempted and led her to do. But you shall see now, there was a good honest holy Priest that was a Seminary, who being in place where this Woman was, and liking her very well, did begin to pity her case, and of mere devotion pricked forward by a san●…ified love, he devised with himself, how he might fully reclaim her to the holy Church: and having attempted many practices in vain, and finding that neither persuasion, charm, nor any manner of conjuration, was able to remove the wicked spirit from her, his last help was, he gave her a glister of holy Water, the which he had no sooner put up into her body, but the devil immediately forsook her, that she after became a most Catholic vessel, and was able to reason so profoundly in that Keligion, that but with a little blast of her back side, she would have made the proudest Protestant that stood next her to stop his nose.  
another like miracle I am able to protest of mine own knowledge, and this is it. There was a Gentleman that is living at this present hour, whose name and dwelling place if I list I could deliver: this Gentleman had been married full out ten years, during which space he never had issue, although both himself and his wife were very desirous to have children. But it fell out that a holy Father a jesuite was privily harboured in this Gentleman's house, who seeing the Gentlewoman to be a lusty and well liking wench to bear children, did minister unto her the holy sacrament of extreme unction, anoyling her parts of generation with holy oil, and laying the sign of the cross over her as she lay on her bed, and this Gentlewoman for three years together that this holy father lay in her house, had every year a child: and therefore most happy may those people think themselves, that doth retain and foster such holy guests now in these dangerous times, if it were but to have their Wives hallowed, and to be made holy vessels.  
But if I should here enlarge further, what miracles hath been wrought, by Holy Water, Holy Candles, Holy Ashes, Holy Oils, Holy Lambs, and many other holy Keliques, I know I should minister so much contentment to your conceit, as the pleasure would make you heartily to laugh.  
Sir said I, your miracles are strange, and they may be true, but yet I am of opinion, that for the casting out of devils, the name of God is of groater authority, than a whole tub full of holy water, and for a woman to be made fruitful in children, is likewise the blessing of God, and I do think that for the attainment of any thing that is good, it is rather to be requested in the name of the Creator, than otherwise to be sought for, by the means of the creature.  
The other answered again, but men that be of your Religion, are not able to look into their own errors: for if they were not wilfully blind, they should find it in common experience, that he that will look to prevail in his suits, shall sooner be dispatched by the mediation of the Saints, than if he presumed to prefer his cause to GOD himself, and should find more grace by the means of the creature, then if he requested in the name of the Creator: and because I would be glad to confirm you the better, I will ●…ewe you you an example.  
Admit now that yourself were in a Prince's Court, and had some suit, that might not only concern your own, but that it stretcheth so far, as to the advancement of God's glory, the profit of the Prince, and the general benefit of the whole Country. You are now to prefer this suit: what, will you go to the Prince himself? (who in this place representeth God) why you shall attend a long while before you shall come to his presence, and then, although he be mild, affable, gracious, and full of clemency, and in deed with as many royal virtues as appertaineth to a godly Prince, yet he will turn you of to some one grave Counsellor, or some other great parsonage that is about him, to look into your cause and to consider of it: (who in this place doth represent the holy Saints, which must be your ●…diator:) Now this counsellor is so troubled with so many other affairs, and such business of great importance, that he hath no leisure in the world to remember you: then must you ply his Secretary, or some other that is near about him, and you come to him (which your cap in your hand and 〈◊〉 courtesy) and say, I beseech you Sir remember my suit to your Master, I have lain long here, and I have spent all that I am able to make, and I pray you Sir even for Christ's ●…ke, and for the t●…er mercy of God, get me an aunsw●…re: (here you come in the name of the Creator:) Now sir, I will (for example sake) make myself an adverse against you, and I will come to the same party, and say unto him, Sir, I understand that such a one (meaning you) hath presented such a suit, and I beseech you Sir, even as you love an hundredth Angels, (I come here in the name of the creature) procure me your masters lets against him, and let me have your assistance for the stay of his suit: tell me now your own conscience, will not these visible creatures, glistering in this man's eyes, work a quicker expedition, than the bare name of your invisible Creator but sounding in his ears? I am sure you will never make question of the matter: for the very presence of an hundredth angels but looking him in the face, will make him to enter into any attempt, yea, and sometimes to abuse his Master, be he never so wise, be he never so grave, or be he never so honourable, and to make him by his information perhaps to commit some error.  
Sir (said I) if the matter were worth the reasoning, I could easily answer your fond comparisons, but I am not disposed to argue of these matters, & will therefore let them rest with this conclusion, that God is God, and only good, & men are men, & no man without fault, nor free from offence. This is very true (answered Richard) for the Vicar of our parish in a Sermon that he made on Midlent Sunday, did speak so much in Latin and said, N●…mo sine briberi vivit: I remember his words well enough, and brought so much of his Sermon away.  
Richard had no sooner thus added his finative conclusion, but we might suddenly hear a loud & piteous skrike, which by the shrillness of the noise, seemed to be some woman's voice, that was put into some fear, or offered some violence: and bending both our eyes and our steps, towards the place from whence the noise resounded to our ears, we might see a woman hastily coming towards us, with a truss or farthel under her arm, to whom I said; Good woman, to seemeth you should be distressed, although I know not for what cause, but say, what is the matter of this your hasty flight? Alas sir, (said she) as I was traveling towards hell, with certain wares that I have here in my farthel, which I am sent withal to show them to Proserpina: fast by here in the high way, there encountered with me the most deformed and ill-favoured Monster, that ever I did s●…tte mine eyes on, whose ugly countenance did so affright me, that it maketh me in this sort to retire, not daring to hold on my course.  
I pray thee goodwife (said I) what wares should they be, that thou art carrying to hell? or dost thou carry them to sell? or be they sent as a present?  
Sir said she, I have here Periwigs of the new curl, Rolls, and other atlyres for the head of the new fashion, Ruffs of the new s●…tte, new Cuts, new Stitches, new guards, new imbroyders, new devised French Uerdingales, new French bodies, new bombasting, new bolstering, new underlaying, and twenty new devices more than I have now spoken of, which I am carrying to hell amongst the Ladies and Gentlewomen that are there, who when they lived in the world would let slip no fashion: and I am sure now they be there, would be right glad of the fashions now in use, both to see them and to have them.  
In good faith (said I) they ●…e wares fit for such customers, for from hell they came, and thither they will, there they were first devised, and therefore fittest to serve that Market.  
You are much deceived ●…r (said she) for I have fashions here that 〈◊〉 a Lady nor Gentlewoman that is in hell, ever saw the like, 〈◊〉 never a Cu●…an, or any other strumpet that lived in the world, did ever wear the like, such periwigs, curled and ●…ed by art, such rolls of hair per●…umed an●… plaited by proportion, such ruffs 〈◊〉 will ask one whole day to wash and starch, and an other days labour but to pin them in the fashion, that (alas poor women) they are feign to take great pains to go to the devil: but I beseech you Gentlemen, if your occasions be not the greater, do so much as conduct me a lytttle part of the way, till I be p●…st this ill favoured Monster that hath so affright me. We yielding to her ●…quest, had not gone far but we might discern a most de●…ormed creature, with a monstrous pair of horns, growing from the uppermost part of his Forehead, the tips where of turned round into his eyes, and growing there again into his head, had made him stark blind, that he had no manner of sight; Our Companion so confidently persuaded in the virtue of his holy Candle, that he thought no spirit was able to hurt him, stepping forward said, In nomine Patris, what art thou that walkest in this fort, thus disturbing the High ways.  
The other answered, What I am thou mayst see very well, but how I came to be thus perplexed, that thou must understand by a further circumstance. Know then that I was a miller, sometimes dwelling in Kent, where I kept a Mill, which (as it seldom times wanted water, so at no time it wanted grist) for that it had the custom of the Country, at the least five or six miles about: It fortuned that a very wealthy and substantial Farmer, dwelling two or three miles from me, sent a sack of Corn to my Mill by his daughter, which came on horseback to have her corn ground, intending to have gone back again with it before night: which might very well have been done, saving that we millers are tied to this custom, which is, when any young women doth fortune thus to come to the Mill, we use as well to take toll of themselves, as of their sacks: and I, firing mine eyes upon the wench, seeing her to be a very handsome young Maiden, not above nineteen or twéentie years of age, was very loath to let her escape toule-frée, and th●…refore set down a plot how I might acquaint her with our custom: the which I could not by any means per●…rme, but by making her to stay all night, wherefore I ●…posly put my Mill out of temper, and spent all the after noon in repairing and trimming of my Mill, and brought her corn to the hopper, when the 〈◊〉 so far passed, that it was not possible it could be ground off, till it were very late in the night; But the young Maiden seeing her Corn upon the Mill, and desirous to have it home with her, stayed with the better will, the which being once ground off, notwithstanding the evening was very far spent, yet she would have departed home: but I, pretending much good will to her Father, told her that if a dog of her Fathers, were in my house at this time of the night, I would not shut him forth of the doors for his masters sake, much less your Father's daughter: wherefore I will entreat you to stay this night in my house, and you shall have a homely bed, and a clean pair of sheeets, with such fare as I hope shall content you, and for your horse, he shall likewise be turned into a good pasture fast by my Mill, and in the morning all things shall be ready for you to departed so soon as you please.  
The maiden being well persuaded by my fair speeches, seemed content, and I went to my wife, & told her that for as much as my Mill had been out of temper all the day, I must sit up all night to grind, willing her further to make ready a spare Chamber, for the young Maiden my Neighbour's daughter: who had stayed so long for the grinding of her Corn, that it was too late for her to go home, & willed her, to better our supper with a ca●…on or a dish of chickens, as she herself thought good; But my wife, who many t●…es before had taken the true measure of my foot, and had picked out at her finger's ends the whole drift of my pretence, winking a little with one of her eyes, answered smoothly, Husband all shall be done as you have willed: & although I had been suffici●…ntly instructed in this old Axiom, which saith, Trust not an old quean●…, if she once gins to wink: yet by my wives smooth de●…eanure, I was free from all suspicion, and contemplating myself in hope of my night's happiness, I never had leisure to bethink me of any precpts of good counsel: but my wife having made all things ready, and that we were called in to such 〈◊〉 as sh●… had provided, & we likewise having ended our supper, I told the young wench, that when she were 〈◊〉 take her rest, my wife should bring her to her Chamber, and wild my wife likewise at her own leisure to get her to bed, for that I was to watch all night, that I might be ready in the morning to serve my customers according to my promise: and thus leaving them twain together, I departed about my business; but, my wife that had conceived the very depth of my devise, lodged the maid in her own bed, and having but one other Chamber, which I always reserved for a friend, and where I thought the maid should have been placed, there my wife ●…ily & cunningly lodged herself: but I that was more doubtful of mine own fortune, than suspicious of my wives practice, perceiving every body to be in bed, did think it now high time to make trial of my pretence, and conveying myself featly into the Chamber, and then coming to the bed side (with a soft and low voice) I began to persuade this young Maiden (as I had thought) that she should not stand in doubt or fear of him who was come unto her only for good will, whom love and liking had made bold and hardy, to request some courtesy and kindness at her hands, and herewithal, throwing one of mine arms over her, I began to hunt after her lips, and to have bestowed of her a loving kiss.  
But my wife, whose cunning had served her to train me into this mistaking, could tell how to be have herself in the rest, to confirm me in mine error: for, although she would render me no manner of speeches, whereby I might discover her by her voice, yet in the rest of her demeanour she counterfeited so cunningly, such a kind of maidenly nycitie, that a man would rather have taken her for some young ignorant puny, that had never dealt the cards, than for an old beaten gamester, that knew well enough how to make the stakes: for although she knew what it was whereat I leveled, and was most desirous to have had me hit the mark, yet she delayed me off with a counterfeit kind of striving, and would never yield, till seeming for want of breath she was not able to resist, and then panting (as it were to take the air) she seemed to 〈◊〉 overcome (as it were) by force: and 〈◊〉 that was not be●…er able to discern of Cats in the dark, but that they were all grey, feasted myself with a fulsome repast, in steed of a dainty dish, for blind conc●…it had given me an appetite to feed on that diet, which if I had seen, would quickly have cloyed my stomach: but having well satisfied myself, and that I was now at leisure to look into mine own fortune, and considering what peril might ensue for a little pleasure past, if the wench should fortune to complain of that one night's lodging forty weeks after, the which would not only redound to my great shame and reproach, but like enough to fall out to my wrack and utter undoing, her Father being an able and wealthy man, that would not let to seek revenge; to prevent these and other mischiefs, I did bethink me of this devise.  
I had a lusty young fellow to my man, called Ralph, about the age of four or five and twenty years, whom I had left to see to my Mill now in mine absence: this Companion I knew would be pat for my purpose, and one I was sure that would never flynch, to spend his sir pence at his drink or his dra●…be: and calling to mind an old precedent, drawn from one of mine own coat, I mean, from the Miller that had taught his man to counterfeit so long, till he was hanged up in his masters room, I determined with myself likewise, to make mine own man the instrument that should stand between me and all future mischiefs.  
Héere-uppon feigning an occasion to go look to my Mill, and taking my leave for the instant with a kiss, I came where my man was, and questioning with him of many idle matters, amongst the rest I demanded of him how he liked of the young maiden?  
Marry Master (said he) I do like so well of her, that I would think it a most happy turn for men of our occupation, if all the devils of hell were such as she is, because there are very few Millers that do use to go to heaven: and then if hell were no ●…rse furnished tha●… with such, I ●…old not care if I did take my journey thether-wards to morrow so soon as it were day.  
Why Ralph (said I) thou knowest where she lieth in the guest Chamber, & what wilt thou give me if I turn thee in to her, and give thee instruction how thou shalt behave thyself, that she shall not refuse to render courtesy for thy kindness. I could scarce make an end of my words, but my man, as if he had stayed too long, hastily answered.  
Master, I have nothing in the world, but a sheep and a Lamb, which (as you know) do go in the Mill close, perform your words, and I 〈◊〉 give you them both, and that with all my heart.  
I rejoicing in mine own conceit, to think how kindly I had coosoned my man, would needs clap hands with him for the better confirmance of the bargain: the which being thus agreed on between us, I willed him to go into the Chamber, and without any fear ●…o get to the maids bed, and there to use no manner of speeches, but to work all his enterprises, but only by dumb persuasions.  
But will you see how cunning was here caught in his own net: I had thought to have coosoned my man, but he kissed me kindly for my acquaintance, and (according as I had directed him) into the Chamber he went, where my wife in the dark could no better discern between me and my man, than I was able before to judge between her and the maid: but he, using no words because I had so instructed him, and she forbearing to speak for ●…arring her own Market, but thus in silence between them, I was coosoned on both sides, for they agreed so well together, that I think they were loath to part, for my man seemed to like so well of his entertainment, that the day was ready to break, before he would leave his game. My wife on the other side, in condition like unto those, that when they have sped well, cannot keep their own counsel: she got herself up immediately after, and then calling the young maiden, who had slept quietly all night, knowing nothing how matters had passed amongst us, and the day light being by this time a little cleared up, between my man 〈◊〉 I we set her upon her horse, with her sack of meal under her: and she giving me hearty thanks for my courtesy, departed thus towards her Father's house.  
Here began Ralph and I again to recreate ourselves with the remembrance of our night's pleasure, I smiled in my ●…éeue to think how I had cozened my man: my man laughed to remember how he had deceived the maid: and being thus together in the midst of our sports, in comes my Wife, seeming by her countenance to be as merry as the best, and taking me by the hand, she prayed me to go in with her, I thinking she had somewhat to say, coming into the house, she had provided for my breakfast a warm caudle daintily made, with a couple of Chickens roasted, and stood hot upon the Table. I that saw this extraordinary diet, marveling what conceit was got into her head: asked her what might be the cause of this her sudden kindness: she that looked me in the face as wanton as if she had come lately where the frolic had run round about the house, answered me thus.  
By'r lady husband you have taken pains to night, and I perceive you are not yet so far over spent, but that you are worth the cherishing: you have deserved a better breakfast than this: for he that hath watched as you have done all night, had need be well comforted in the morning. These suspicious words thus delivered by my wife, brought me well near into the fit of an Ague: but being desirous to be better satisfied in her meaning, I said.  
And what pains have I taken this night, more than I have done at other times? I have watched many a night before this, when I found no such kindness at your hand in the morning.  
Husband (said she) how so ever you have watched in times past, I know not, but this night's labour hath deserved no less than a comfortable 〈◊〉, and in st●…d of Potato roots, I have made you a warm Caudle next your heart: be not ashamed man of that you have doon●…, for it was I that supplied the young wench ●…lace night in the guest Chamber, and it was you that came thither and played the proper man. But I think husband, how soever you have overreached me before, I have cried quittance with you to night. And now comfort yourself whilst your meat is warm, pluck up your stomach and fall to your breakfast.  
I that was not able with patience to endure her words, bursting out in choler, said. The devil take thee and thy breakfast, for thou hast given me a breakfast and a dinner to, that will stick in my stomach whilst I live. And going my way in this chafe into my Mill, where my man perceiving my sudden passion, demanded of me the cause of my unquietness? Villain (said I) thyself art the cause why I am thus perplexed, for thou hast line with my Wife: I Master (said he) you are much deceived, and I protest I would not do you so much ●…rong, for so much corn as would fill the Hopper.  
Thou hast done it (said I) for she hath confessed it unto me, and it was she that did lie to night in the outer Chamber in the young wench's room. That was more than I knew of (said my man,) but sith it was so, I will have my Sheep and my Lamb again, for the bargain was between us, that you should have sent me in to the Maid, and I upon this condition, promised you my Sheep & my Lamb, but sith you have broke your promise, by Saint Anne I will not stand to my bargain.  
These speeches of this varlet, did more vex and grieve me then before: and yet I witted not how I should be revenged, nor better remedy could I devise, but after I had fretted my fill, I commanded the knave to take his sheep and his Lamb, and presently to get him out of my service, nor never after to come within my doors, nor into any other place in my wives company.  
This gall of grief continually fretting and gnawing in my conscience, might have been thought a sufficient punishment though Rigore himself had pronounced the sentence: but my terrestial penance not enough to appease the angry Gods, they have decreed this final conclusion: that as I was the author of mine own harms by mine own blindness, so mine own horns shall for evermore so grow in mine own light, that being not able to discern which way or how to direct my steps, I should wander in this solitary place, bereft of all other society, and so to continue world without end.  
The Woman that stood by all this while, and had given attentive ear to this discourse, stricken as it should seem into some remorse, upon what consideration I know not, but thus she said.  
Alas poor miller, if thy punishment be so grievous for a small escape ignorantly committed, woe is me to bethink what shall betide to an infinite number that are daily infected with this common calamity, this horn-plague I mean, the general sickness of our time: a malady that hath so much infected both City, Town, and Country, that there are few places free, which are not spiced here & there, with this forked generation: amongst the which there be a number of honest Gentlemen, some of them my very good fr●…nds and customers, whose horns doth hang so much in their own lights, that they are well contented to suffer their wives to prank themselves up in every new fashion, whereby to set themselves to sale, & to make open show how lightly they are disposed: but the horn-plague shall never departed his house, that hath his wife so garishly inclined.  
But alas for pity, what shall become of a number of kind hearted Wittols, that will not only be contented to hood wink themselves from their wives adulteries, but also to become Bawds and Brokers, yea and sometimes will not stick to keep the doors, whilst their Wives shall be within, playing the harlots with their customers.  
Blame not me that am touched with some remorse, for these be the people that I do live by, for what should I do with my new-●…ed trash, if there were not as licentious Women to buy them? And why should they 〈◊〉 themselves so Curtisan-like to the view of the world, but to mani●…est their unchaste appetites, that they might be the rather desired of men.  
The woman had no sooner ended these speeches, but she as suddenly burst out into such a vehement laughter, that for the time, she was not able to deliver a word: but in the end, with much a do, recovering the use of her tongue, she said: Now truly I cannot choose but laugh to think of my husband, how ill favoured he will look with such a pair of spectakles hanging over his brows as this miller hath got.  
We that stood by, and were more mindful to see an end of our travails then disposed to prolong the time in idleness: I asked of the Miller if he did know where about the place of Purgatory was, or if he could give us any direction which way we might get thither, he answered thus.  
My good Friends, what soever you be, you shall understand, that thirty years and odd are already over passed sith I first frequented these infernal paths, in which mean space, though I have not been able to discern mine own footsteps, yet by the reports of sundry travailers that hath passed these ways, I have learned thus much concerning Purgatory.  
The persons that were the first founders of the place, were not perfectly sighted, but like as the Owl which cannot abide the light of the Sun, flieth evermore in the night, so those men, not able to endure that excellent brightness which is the only true light to every perfect understanding, framing all their platforms in obscurity and darkness, amongst other idle inventions, would needs take upon them the building of Purgatory. The place where they had seated it, was so obscured with such fogs and filthy mists, that no man that had the perfect use of his wits, was ever able to find the situation. The foundation whereon it was laid, was lies and foolish fantasies, the rest of the 〈◊〉 buildings, was dreams and doting devices. All the whole edifice, was of such light and rotten stuff, that after they had been two or three hundred years patching & piecing it together, a poor silly Swain naked and thread bare, called Truth, blowing against the building but with a little blast of breath, the gale was of such force against it, that the whole matter & substance, together with the Founders, Patrons, Proctors, Protectors & Defenders, were all blown immediately into Hell: so that who soever he be that seeketh for Purgatory, there he shall be sure to find it: and for these thirty years that I have wandered in these places, there never came any to inquire after it but mad men and fools.  
Why then said I (to our companion that stood by with his Candle,) I perceive you had some reason to bring light with you when you came to seek Purgatory, sith the place is so dark and so dainty to be found. But now you know assuredly where you may find it, your Candle will stand you in some steed to light you to Hell.  
He breaking out into sundry passions, sometimes raging against the miller, saying that he was but an ignorant and a lying Heretic: then calling to his memory the long time he had spent in seeking of Purgatory, he began as vehemently to rail against the Pope, and as bitterly to exclaim against his jesuits and Seminaries, that had promised to instruct him in the high way to Heaven, and directly sent him the very next way to Hell.  
In these angry fits he blewe out his Candle, and throwing it from him, was contented to hold us company in the rest of our journey.  
Whilst we were wandering thus together, we had not paced the distance of a furlong, but we might hear the sound of a Horn, which was blown with such shrillness, that the ●…ho redoubled again in the air, and looking about us, we might perceive a far of, where one came riding post all in black as fast as his horse was able to fling, and with his quick speed immediately passing by us, we knew him by his bald pate and his Cowl hanging at his back, that he was a fat squaddy Monk, that had been well fed in some Cloister, who with his great haste was suddenly out of our sights: and we had not travailed far, but we might see Hell gates standing wide open, with abundance of people that were flocking out of all quarters, pressing in as thick, as if in the Term time they were thronging to Westminster Hall. And presently we might behold a clear avoidance in the gates, and a multitude coming forth, with Bells, with Banners, with Torches, with Crosses and with Copes, in a very solemn manner of Procession, singing Salue festa dies.  
We standing still in a gaze as they passed by, I demanded of one of the train what might be the meaning? Who answered me that there was a Post newly come from Rome, with news that the Pope's Legate was hard at hand, with some great Cmbassage: and that solemnity was only to entertain him, to show what reverence they did bear to his Master. The throng that followed was so e●…ding, that we were mightily shouldered to and fro amongst the company, but V●…luet breeches & I, determining to see what would follow, we took the one the other by the hand, following in the press till at length this holy Legate was seen where he was coming, so that it was not long but they met. The Legate that was a chuffe-headed Cardinal with a pair of fulsome cheeks, stretched out like one that were playing on a bagpipe, alighted from his palfry, and presenting himself before Lucifer, who was there in place to receive him, he fell down upon his knees, praying the Prince of darkness, to bestow his fatherly benediction upon the Pope's holiness, his thief vicar & Uizegerent upon earth: the only man that he was especially beholding unto, who sent him from time to time whole Millions of souls for the increasing of his kingdom: from whom I am sent with matters of much importance to be here considered of, and whose person in this place I d●… now represent.  
Lucifer lifting up one of his paws, and waging it over t●…e Legates head, said: That blessing that God gave unto Cain for the kill of his Brother Abel, light upon thy Master and his successors for ever. Then taking him by the arm, he said.  
Stand up, for considering whose Ambassador thou art, it were an embacing to thine estate, if thou shouldest show any sign of humility or lowliness. Thou d●…st here represent the person of Antichrist, whose pride could never yet surrender itself to any manner of obedience, I will not therefore in this place that any thing be imbeiseled, that might derogate the least dignity from that Chair of pe●…ilence, I mean the holy Sea of Rome.  
Then was there brought forth a most stately Chair, which was prepared of purpose, in which Chair Ambition and Pride having placed the Cardinal, old Ignorance and young Obstinacy, (the one blind, the other froward,) taking it upon their shoulders, as if the Pope himself were carried in his Pontificalibus, and then a rich & sumptuous Canopy being spread over him, and borne by four supporters, which were, Idolatry, Hypocrisy, Heresy, and Blasphemy, thus in this pompious manner (being placed in the Procession next Lucifer himself) they returned to Hell, whose gates I noted to be so large and spacious, that a Prince's Army though it were marshalled in any proportion of battle, with Fyllets, Troops and Wings, might well have marched in without any manner of disorder. And although the inner rooms did so exceed in greatness, that it passeth humane reason to conceive of them aright, yet he that should behold the abundance of people that resort thither daily, and the infinite number that are there to be seen flocking in every corner thereof, would more wonder to think what place could so contain them.  
Being thus come into Hell, they went to the Chapel, where Pope Hildebrand the first founder of Trasubstantiation was ready to say Mass, the which being ended, Satan (who can in no wise endure the deferring of matters that doth concern his own estate, went immediately into the Convocation house, where calling about him a most abominable company of Popes, Cardinals, Bishops, priors, Abbots, and other Clergy men, that hath been for this four or five hundred years, still of his privy Counsel, the Legate was willed to deliver the effect of his message, who making his entrance with a brief Oration, tending to the commendation of the Pope's carefulness, how many stratagems he had endeavoured against England, France, and Ireland, for the better establishing of the Kingdom of Antichrist in those places: and he was now to let them understand, first for England. Where he had thought to have accomplished his purposes by the means of his jesuits and Seminaries, whom he sent thither in flocks, to ●…drawe the people from their obedience, to stir them to sedition, rebellion and uproar: to practise treasons against their Sovereign, yea and to undertake many horrible enterprises against the person of the Prince, whom God hath still mightily defended, not only preserving her from their traitorous practices, but likewise hath so revealed the conspiracies of the practisers, that from time to time they have been still apprehended, and so sent to Tyburn, to say In manus tuas.  
Being therefore exempted from all manner of hope to find any good success in these former platforms, his Holiness craveth your Hellish instructions, what course he might now follow for the recovery of that Country.  
For France, it would ask a long time here to be dyscoursed, what treacheries, what treasons, what mischiefs, what murders, and what massacres his Holiness hath there from time to time effected: and although he hath now stirred up his vassal the King of Spain, who hath from the dignity of a magnificent Prince, surrendered himself to become a slave to the Pope, to come and go as he appoints him, and to be the executor of all his damnable devices, and hath his forces now in that Country, in the assistance of Traitors and Rebels, against their natural Prince and lawful King: yet his Holiness can have no assured hope to suppress the light of the Gospel retained among●… them, or utterly to subvert the professors of it, without some devilish devise, plaited and contrived from this infernal pit of hell.  
Now lastly for Ireland, if that Country might still be continued in that state as it now standeth, there were many hopes to be expected, not necessary in this place to be openly revealed: for although the natural people of that Country, (yea even in the most barbarous places) be of themselves very zealously inclined, & without all peradventure, would easily be drawn ●…o the true knowledge and worship of God, if they had such a Minister amongst them, as might instruct them, aswell i●… wholesome doctrine, as in good example of l●…e: but the 〈◊〉 so well provided for the place, that the whole Country ●…ooth swarm with jesuits, Seminaries, and massing Priests, yea, and Friars, that have recourse into Dublyne itself, and these do keep such a continual and daily buzzing in the poor people's ears, that they are not only led from all duty and obedience of their Prince, but also drawn from God by superstitious Idolatry, and so brought headlong by heaps into hell: for through the whole Country, the people are so confidently persuaded in the doctrine of Antichrist, that they think our Lord will do nothing without the mediation of our Lady, of Mary, or of john. And to speak truly of the Clergy of that Realm, if there be one that seeketh to uphold the glory of God, there is ten for that one that seeketh to uphold the kingdom of Antichrist; neither is it to be doubted, but that there be some few, which both in preaching and living showeth all sincerity and godliness of life: but there be a number of others, which neither say nor do, neither preach well, nor live well. Some other there be that now and then will get up into a Pulpit, and there they will spend an hour, chiding against the Pope in the course of their speaking, and they are no sooner come down but they will de●…e God himself half a year after, in the manner of their living: and this example of their ungodly behaviour, is no little corrosive to weak consciences, that do behold their wickedness. For what is it for a Clergy man, be he Parson, be he Vicar, be he Deacon, be he Archdeacon, be he Bishop, be he Archbishop, or let him be what he will, if he be one that will rather endeavour himself to fleece his flock than to feed it, that hath not so much care of the children of God, committed to his charge, which he suffereth daily to perish: as he hath to provide marriages for his own children, in their very infancy, and when they are under age: that doth build houses, and purchase rents by corruption, extortion, and bribery, that doth eat and drink the sins of the ignorant people daily at his table: that will not admit of a pardon from the Pope, yet dares not be without five or six several pardons from the Prince, for treason, for murder, for theft, for robbery, for conspiracy, for confederacy, for rasing, for forging, for extortion, for bribery, and for many other filthy matters, shameful to be spoken off, were it not before this haggish assembly: and what though from a base and beggarly parentage, he could show himself lofty in mind, lofty in looks, and lofty in all the rest of his demeanours: Would not such a Prelate be fit for the devils Chapel? The Legate had no sooner made an end of these latter words, but in comes Dick Tarlton, appareled like a Clown, and singing this piece of an old song.  

If this be true as true it is,  
Lady Lady:  
God send her life may mend the miss,  
Most dear Lady.   
This sudden jest brought the whole company into such a vehement laughter, that not able again to make them keep silence, for that present ty●…e they were feign to break up: and as Velvet breeches and I were walking arm in arm through the press, we fortuned to meet with commons, one that some few years ago, had been a Sergeant in London, who no sooner espied Velvet breeches, but he got up a firebrand, wherewith he gave him such a stroke over the shoulders, that the coals flew all about the place. Velvet breeches again up with his fist, and gave him such a blow under the ear, that had like to have stricken him over: with this they closed, and began to pommel one an other as fast as their fists could walk, the company that stood by began to cry Clubs, Clubs, Clubs, and immediately they came rushing in about us, with ●…lesh-hookes, with Coal rakes, with Fyre-forckes, and with such other furniture, as a man would have thought were all come out of a kitchen: and with some little ado they parted the fray, and the parties were presently by the Officers brought before Lucifer, and I being a stranger in the place, was likewise carried with them for company: where commons be●…ing charged to be the first Author of the broil, in his own excuse rendered this reason.  
I was (said he) sometimes an Officer under the Sheriffs of London, and being feed by a Towns man to arrest Velvet breeches, I was brought unto him where he was in a Barber's shop, sitting with a Basin before him, full of soapy water, wherewith the Barber was rubbing his cheeks, and dashing of him about the lips, and I seeing him thus in trimming, thought of courtesy to forbear the doing of mine office, till the Barber had ended his business, and setting myself down without any word speaking, Velvet breeches by chance espying my Mace under my Gown, suspecting aright the cause of my coming, suddaynelie (before I was ware of him) threw all the water so directly in my face, that the Soap getting into mine eyes, did so smart and grieve me, that for my life I was not able to hold them open: But whilst I stood stark blind for the time, wiping and rubbing of mine eyes, Velvet breeches packed himself out of the doors, that I could never after come where he was till this present, and I vowed then to be revenged of him the next time that ever I saw him: and I am now to crave the privilege of the place, for it is directly against our ancient custom, that there should be any quarrels or controversies taken up here, or that there should be found any peacemakers in hell: with this the whole multitude began to grow into an uproar, and they fell immedia●…lie to taking of parts: and first there stood up in commons behalf, a great number of cruel creditors, crafty Lawyers, Merchants, retailers, S●…ners, Brokers, and a most shameful and filthy company of usurers.  
Velvet breeches on the other side, he wanted no friends, for there were a great many that knew him: and those that took his part, were swashers, swearers, whoremasters, thieves, robbers, ruffians, roisters, and coosoners.  
As they were growing into this commotion amongst themselves, there were gathered together an infinite number of Coney-catches, which came to take part with Velvet breeches: who seeing me to stand by, they began to grow into confused exclamations against me, some said, let us tear the villain in pieces, that hath written so many books against us: other said, let us flay of his skin, and cut the the 〈◊〉 from his bones in small gobbets, that hath so manifested the secrets of our trade and profession, to the world: some other said, let us cut the tongue out of his head, and put out both his eyes, that hath been an enemy to the art of Coney-catching, and hath so shamefully inveighed against the practices; Then came there forth an infinite number of women Coney-catches, and they swore they would geld me, for marring their Market, and hindering them of their taking. Thus was I threatened on all sides, every man stood wondering at me, no man to take my part: But Lucifer perceiving the cause of their griefs, by the manner of their clamours, & willing to appease their passions with any punishment, commanded me presently to be thrust forth of hell gates and charging me so to remain a restless spirit, wandering through the world, and never after to make any return again to that place.  
Thus for the writing of books, I was first banished from Heaven for my over much partiality, and now exiled from hell, for my too much plainness: I remain now (as I have told you) a walking spirit, restless and remediless to wander through the world; I would therefore wish my friends to beware how they walk late a nights, for I will be the maddest Goblin, that ever used to walk in the Moonshine. For I will sometimes be a spirit of the Buttery, and I will so intoxicate their heads, that do frequent the places of my haunt, that at night they shall not be able to find the way to their beds, till they have taken their first sleep on the flore.  
Sometimes I will be Robin Goodfellow, and will meet with a wanton wench in a dark corner, and let her bless and cross herself as well as she can, I will put her in such a bodily fear, that for forty weeks after, she shall think that young bugs are crawling in her belly.  
Sometimes I will show such dreams & vysi●…ns to women whilst they be sleeping, that they shall make their Husbands Cu●…ds when they are waking.  
Sometimes I will transform myself into divers shapes, and will walk through all trades, all 〈◊〉, and all occupations, and some I will infect with the spirit of Avarice, some with misery, some with deceit and all manner of subtlety, that they shall leave no practice unsought for, whereby to rake and gather pelf, to leave to their heirs, that the old Proverb might be verified: Happy are those children, whose Fathers go to the devil.  
In the Term time, I will be in Westminster hall amongst the Lawyers, whom I will make so capable in the quyllityes of the Law, that they shall cousin twenty Clients of their coin, before they will bring one to an end of his cause; and will not stick now and than to get me up to the bench, amongst the judges themselves, to let them taste a little of the sweetness of corruption.  
You may easily think that I mean to frequent the Court, where I will oppose myself a professed enemi●… against Good desert, and let him come thither and pl●…e his many years service in the wars: let him show his 〈◊〉 and maims, gotten in his countries defence: let 〈◊〉 signify his time and patr●…ony spent in his Prince's quarrel, to maintain himself, and to relieve such as were about him: or let him pretend many other endeavours, in the service of his Sovereign, that might worthily move a favourable con●…eration, if there shall be found one that will afford him a favourable look, or a comfortable sp●…ch, there shall be two for that one to requite him with disdainful countenance, and churlish checks.  
I will not tell all, how grievous I will be to Largesse and Lyberallitie, nor how miserable I will show myself in shutting up of the Prin●… bounty: Let this suffice, he that shall become a Suitor at the Court, without gold in his purse to ●…ée a bribing Groom, let him look for small grace in his suits: for I will strike such a deafness into the ears of the Clerks and Secretaries, appertaining to great men, that when a penylesse Suitor comes unto them with cap and courtesy, they shall not understand what the ●…oole meaneth, nor be able to hear one word that he speaketh, without a bribe. I might mar all if I should tell all, how I meant to be stir myself amongst the Courtiers of all sorts, but they say, Enough is as good as a Feast.  
The Clergy must not think to escape me scotfree, for I must needs be acquainted with these double beneficed men, and will many times converse with such as be Non residents; and sometimes I will get up into the Pulpit and preach, but you may easily discern me, for my text shall be, Do as I say, but not as I do; My conclusion is, Good friends take heed how you come in those places where I walk, for you may perceive I am bend upon mischief, I can but therefore wish you to look to yourselves: and so far you well.  
FINIS.