A QVIP FOR AN upstart Courtier: Or, A acquaint dispute between Velvet breeches and Clothbreeches. Wherein is plainly set down the disorders in all Estates and Trades.  
LONDON Imprinted by john Wolf, and are to be sold at his shop at Paul's chain. 1592.   
〈…〉 
that all Northamtonshire reports how you are a father of the poor, a supporter of ancient Hospitality, an enemy to Pride, and to be short, a maintainer of Clothbreeches (I mean of the old and worthy customs of the Gentility and yeomanry of England. Induced by these reasons, I humbly present this Pamphlet to your Worship, only craving you will accept it as courtiously as I present it dutifully, and then I have the end of my desire and so resting in hope of your favourable acceptance, I humbly take my leave.  
Your dutiful adopted son, Robert Greene..   

To the Gentlemen Readers health.  
GEntle Gentlemen, I hope Clothbreeches shall find your gentle Censors of this homely Apology of his ancient prerogatives sith though he speaks against Velvet breeches which you were, yet he twits not the weed but the vice, not the apparel when 'tis worthily worn, but the unworthy person that wears it, who sprang of a Peasant will use any sinister means to climb to preferment, being then so proud as the fop forgets like the Ass that a mule was his father. For ancient Gentility and yeomanry, Cloth breeches attempteth this quarrel, and hopes of their favour: for upstarts he is half careless, and the more, because he knows whatsoever some think privately, they will be no public carpers: lest by kicking where they are touched, they bewray their galled backs to the world, and by starting up to find fault, prove themselves upstarts and fools. So then poor Cloth breeches sets down his rest on the courtesy of gentle gentlemen and bold Yeomen, that they will suffer him to take no wrong. But suppose the worst, that he should be frowned at, and that such occupations as he hath upon conscience discarded from the jury, should commence an action of unkindness against him, he'll prove it not to hold plea, because all the debate was but a dream. And so hoping all men will merrily take it, he stands solemnly leaning on his pike staff, till he here what you conceive of him for being so peremptory. If well, he swears to crack his hose at the knees to quite your courtesy. If hardly, he hath vowed that whatsoever he dreams never to blab it again, and so he wisheth me humbly to bid you farewell.   

A quip for an upstart Courtier.  
IT was just at that time when she Cuckeulds chorister began to bewray April Gentlemen with his never changed notes, that I damped with a melancholy humour, went into the fields to clear up my wits with the fresh air: where solitary seeking to solace myself I fell in a dream, and in that drowsy slumber, I wandered into a vale all tapistred with sweet and choice flowers, there grew many simples whose virtues taught me to be subtle and to think nature by her weeds warned men to be wary and by their secret properties to check wanton and sensual imperfections. Amongst the rest, there was the yellow daffadil, a flower fit for jealous Dotterels, who through the beauty of their honest wives grew suspicious, 
Daffadil for dotterels that are jealous.  & so prove themselves in the end cuckold Heretics, there budded out the chequered (Paunsie) or party coloured Hearts ease an herb seldom seen, either of such men as are wedded to shrews or of such women as have hasty husbands: yet there it grew, and as I stepped to gather it, it slipped from me like Tantalus fruit that fails their master. At last, wondering at this secret quality, I learned that none can wear it, be they kings, but such as desire no more than they are borne to, nor have their wishes above their fortunes. 
Fennel women's weed.  Upon a bank bororing by grew women's weeds, Fenell I mean for flatterers, fit generally for that Sex, sith while they are maidens, they wish wanton: while they are wives they will wilfully, while they are widows, they would willingly: and yet all these proud desires, are but close dissemble. near adjoining sprouted out the Courtier's comfort, 
Time for wise men if they would  Time: An herb that many stumble on and yet overslip, whose rank savour and thick leaves, have this peculiar property, to make a snail if she taste of the sap as swift as a swallow, yet joined with this prejudice, that if she climb too hastily, she falls too suddenly. Methought I saw divers young courtiers tread upon it with high disdain, but as they passed away, an Adder lurking there bit them by the heels that they wept: and then I might perceive certain clowns in clouted shone gather it, and eat of it with greediness: which no sooner was sunk into their maws, but they were metamorphosed, and looked as proudly though peasants, as if they had been borne to be princes companions.  
Amongst the rest of these changelings whom the taste of time had thus altered, there was some that lifted their heads so high, as if they had been bred to look no lower than stars, they thought Noli altum sapere was rather the saying of a fool, than the censure of a Philosopher, & therefore stretch themselves on their tiptoes, as if they had been a kindred to the lord Tiptost, and began to disdain their equals, scorn their inferiors, 
Lord Tiptost a proud & insolent Earl raised by Edwar. 4.  and even their betters, forgetting now that time had taught them to say mass, how before they had played the Clarks part to say Amen to the priest. Tush, than they were not so little as Gentlemen, and their own conceit was the Herald to blazon their descent, from an old house, whose great grandfathers would have been glad of a new cottage to hide their heads in. Yet as the peacock wrapped in the pride of his beauteous feathers is known to be but a dunghill bird by his foul feet: so though the high looks and costly suits argue to the eyes of the world they were Cavaliers of great worship, yet the churlish illiberality of their minds, bewrayed their fathers were not above three pounds in the king's books at a subsidy, but as these upstart changelings went strutting like Philopo Limarchides the beagart in Plautus, they looked so proudly at the same, that they stumbled on a bed of Rue, that grew at the bottom of the bank where the Time was planted, which fall upon the dew of so bitter an herb, taught them that such proud peacocks as over hastily out run their fortunes at last to speedily, fall to repentance, and yet some of them smiled and said Rue was called Her be grace, which though they scorned in their youth, they might wear in their age, and it was never too late to say Miserere. As thus I stood musing at this time borne broad, they vanished away like Cadmus' copesmates, that sprang up of viper's teeth, so that casting mine eye aside after them, I saw where a crew of all estates were gathering flowers, what kind they were of I knew not, but precious, I guessed them in that they plucked them with greedienes, so that I drew towards them, to be partaker of their profits, coming nearer, I might see the weed they so wrangled for, was a little dapper flower, like a ground Hunmsuckle, called thrift, 
Thrift the herb that all men seek after.  praised generally of all, but practised for distillation, but of few amongst the crew that seemed covetous of this herb, there was a troup of old graibeards in velvet, satin, and worsted jackets, that stooped as nimbly to pluck it up by the roots, as if their joints had been suppeled in the oil of miser's skins, they spared no labour and pains to get and gather, 
Old churls provide oftentimes for unthrifty children.  and what they got they gave to certain young boys and girls that stood behind them, with their skirts and laps open to receive it: among whom some scattered it as fast as their fathers gathered it, wasting and spoiling it at their pleasure which their fathers got with labour.  
I thought them to be some Herbalists or some Apothecaries that had employed such pains to extract some rare quintessence out of this flower, but one standing by told me they were Cormorants and usurers, that gathered it to fill their coffers with, & whereto, quoth I, is it precious? what is the virtue of it? marry, quoth he, to qualify the heat of insatiable minds that like the serpent Dipsas never drinketh enough till they are so full they burst, why then said I the Devil burst them all, and with that I fell into a great laughter, 

Young novices, cou●t●●●s, and vpsta●●s scorn th●●●t.  
Whores consume men's th●●●t.   to see certain Italianate Cantes, humorous Cavaliers, youthful Gentlemen, and Inonerati gagliardi, that scornfully plucked of it, and wore it a while as if they were weary of it, and at last left it as to base a flower to put in their nosegays. Others that seemed Homini di grandi stina by their looks and their walks gathered earnestly and did pocket it up as if they meant to keep it carefully, but as they were caring it away, there met them a troop of nice wantoness, fair women that like to Lamiaes, had faces like Angels, eyes like stars, breasts like the golden front in the Hesperideses, but from the middle downwardly their shapes like serpents. These with Syrenlike allurement so enticed these acquaint squires, that they bestowed all their flowers upon them for favours, they themselves walking home by beggar's bush for a penance. Amongst this crew were Lawyers, 

lawyers get all.  
Poets nothing.   and they gathered the Devil and all, but poor Poets were thrust back and could not be suffered to have one handful to put amongst their withered garlands of bay, to make them glorious. But Hob and john of the country they stepped in churlishly, in their high start-ups, and gathered whole sackefuls: insomuch they wore beesoms of Thrift in their Hats like forehorsses, or the lusty Gallants in a Morris dance: 
Peasants hunt for profit.  seeing the true thus to wrangle for so paltry a weed, I went alone to take one of all the other fragrant flowers that diapered this valley thereby I saw the Bachelors buttons, whose virtue is to make wanton maidens weep when they have worn it forty weeks under their Aprons for a favour.  
Next them grew the dissembling daisy, to warn such light of love wenches not to trust every fair promise that such amorous Bachelors make them, but sweet smells breed bitter repentance. Hard by grew the true lovers primrose, 
Men should be faithful women courteous.  whose kind savour wisheth men to be faithful and women courteous. Alongst in a border grew maidenhair fit for modest maidens to behold, and immodest to blush at, because it praiseth the one for their natural Tresses, and condemneth the other for their beastly and counterfeit Periwigs, there was the gentle gillyflower that wives should wear if they were not too froward; and loyal Lavendar, but that was full of Cuckoe-spits, to show that women's light thoughts make their husbands heavy heads: there were sweet Lilies Gods plenty, which showed fair Virgins need not weep for wooers, and store of balm which could cure strange wounds, only not that wound which women receive when they lose their maidenheads, 
Virginity lost is incurable.  for no herb hath virtue enough to scrape out that blot and therefore it is the greater blemish. Infinite were the flowers beside that beautified the valie, that to know their names and operations I needed some curious herbal, but I pass them over as needless, sith the vision of their virtues was but a dream, and therefore I wish no man to hold any discourse herein authentical, yet thus much I must say for a parting blow, that at the lower end of the dale I saw a great many of women using high words to their husbands, some striving for the breeches, other to have the last word, some fretting they could not find a rush in a straw, others striving whether it were wool or hair the goat bore: questioning with one that I met why these women were so choleric, he like a scoffing fellow pointed to a bush of nettles, I not willing to be satisfied with signs, asked him what he meant thereby, Mary (quoth he) all these women that you hear brawling frowning and skolding thus, have severally pissed on this bush of nettles, and the virtue of them is to force a woman that waters them to be as peevish for a whole day and as waspish as if she had been stung in the brow with a hornet. Well, I smiled at this, and left the company to seek further, when in the twinkling of an eye I was left alone, the valley cleared of all company, and I a distressed man desirous to wander out of that solitary place to seek good consorts and boon companions to pass away the day withal. As thus I walked forward, looking up the hill I was driven half into a maze with the imagination of a strange wonder which fell out thus: Me thought I saw an uncouth headless thing come pacing down the hill stepping so proudly with such a geometrical grace, as if some artificial bragant had resolved to measure the world with his paces: I could not descry it to be a man, although it had motion, for that it wanted a body, yet seeing legs and hose I supposed it to be some monster nourished up in those deserts, at last as it drew more nigh unto me, I might perceive that it was a very passing costly pair of Velvet breeches, whose pains being made of the chiefest Neapolitan stuff, was drawn out with the best Spanish satin, and marvelous curiously over whipped with Gold twist, interseamed with knots of Pearl, the Neatherstocke was of the purest Granado Silk, no cost was spared to set out these costly breeches, who had girt unto them a Rapier and Dagger gilt, point pendaunt, as quayntlye as if some curious Florentine had trickte them up to square it up and down the streets before his Mistress. As these Breeches were exceeding sumptuous to the eye, so were they passing pompous in their gestures, for they strowted up and down the Valley as proudly as though they had there appointed to act some desperate combat.  
Blame me not if I were driven into a muse with this most monstrous sight to see in that place such a strange headless Courtier ieatting up and down like the Usher of a Fense-schoole about to play his prise, when I deem never in any age such a wonderful object fortune unto any man before. Well, the greater dump this Noveltye drove me into, the more desire I had to see what event would follow: whereupon looking about to see if that any more company would come, I might perceive from the top of the other hill an other pair of Breeches more soberly marching, and with a softer pace, as if they were not too hasty, and yet would keep promise nevertheless at the place appointed. As soon as they were come into the valley, I saw they were a plain pair of Cloth breeches, without either welt or guard, strait to the thigh, of white kersey, without a slop, the neither stock of the same, sewed to above the knee, and only seamed with a little coventrie blew, such as in Diebus illis our great grandfathers wore, when neighbourhood and hospitality had banished Pride out of England. Nor were these plain breeches weaponless, for they had a good sour bat with a pike in the end, able to lay on load enough, if the heart were answerable to the weapon, and upon this staff pitched down upon the ground, Clothbreeches stood solemnly leaning, as if they meant not to start, but to annswer to the utterance whatsoever in that place might be objected. Looking upon these two, (might perceive by the pride of the one, and homely resolution of the other, that this their meeting would grow to some dangerous conflict, and therefore to prevent the fatal issue of such a pretended quarrel, I stepped between them both, when Velvet breeches greeted Cloth breeches with this salutation. Proud and insolent peasant, how darest thou without leave or low reverence press into the place whether I am come for to disport myself? Art thou not a friend? thy high presumption should savour to displeasure, and so force me draw my rapier, which is never unsheathed but it turns into the scabbard with a triumph of mine enemies blood: bold bayard avaunt, beard me not to my face, for this time I pardon thy folly, and grant thy legs leave to carry away thy life. Clothbreeches nothing amazed at this bravado, bending his staff as if he meant (if he were wronged) to bestow his benison, with a scornful kind of smiling made this smooth reply: Marry gyp goodman upstart, who made your father a gentleman, so●te fire makes sweet malt, the cursedest Cow hath the shortest horns, and a brawling cur of all bites the least, alas good sir, are you so fine that no man may be your fellow, I pray you what difference is between you and me but in the cost and the making, though you be never so richly daubde with gold and powdered with Pearl, yet you are but a case for the buttocks, and a cover for the basest part of a man's body no more than I, the greatest pre-eminence is in the garnishing and thereof you are proud, but come to the true use we were appointed to, my honour is more than thine, for I belong to the old ancient yeomanry, yea and gentility, the fathers, and thou to a company of proud and unmannerly upstarts the sons At this, velvetbreeches stormed and said, Why thou beggar's brat descended from the reversion of base poverty, is thy insolence so great to make comparison with me, whose difference is as great as the brightness of the sun and the slender light of a candle: I (poor snake) am sprung from the ancient Romans, borne in Italy the mistress of the world for chivalry, called into England from my native home (where I was famous) to honour your courtiers and young gentlemen here in England with my countenance, where I am holden in high regard, that I can press into the presence when thou poor soul shalt with cap and knee beg leave of the Porter to enter, and I sit and dine with the Nobility, when thou art feign to wait for the reversion of the alms basket: I am admitted boldly to tell my tale, when thou art fain to sue by means of supplication, 
The more is the pity.  and that and thou to so little regarded, that most commonly it never comes to the Prince's hand, but dies imprisoned in some obscure pocket: Sith then there is such difference between our estates, cease to urge my patience with thy insolent presumption. Clothbréeches as brief as he was proud, swore by the pike of his staff, that his choplogicke was not worth a pin, and that he would turn his own weapon into his bosom thus, Why signor Glorioso (quoth he) though I have not such glozing phrases to trick out my speeches withal as you, yet I will come over your fallows with this bald rhetoric: I pray you monsieur malapert are you therefore my superior because you are taken up with Gentlemen, and I with the yeomanry? Doth true virtue consist in riches▪ or humanity in wealth? is ancient honour tied to outward bravery? or is not rather true Nobility, a mind excellently qualified with rare virtues? I will teach thee a lesson worth the hearing, proud princocks, how Gentility first sprung up, I will not forget the old wives logic, When Adam delud and Eve span, who was then a Gentleman? but I tell thee after the general flood that there was no more men upon the earth but Noah and his three sons, and that Cham had wickedly discovered his father's secrets than grew the division of estates thus: The church was figured in Sem, Gentility in japheth, and labour and drudgery in Cham: Sem being chaste and holy, 
Soldiers & Scholars Gentlemen  japheth learned and valiant, I'm churlish & servile, yet did not the curse extend so far upon Cham, nor the blessing upon japheth, but if the one altered his nature, & became either endued with learning or valour he might be a gentleman, or if the other degenerated from his ancient virtues he might be healed a peasant, whereupon Noah inferred that gentility grew not only by propagation of nature, but by perfection of qualities: Then is your worship wide that beast of your worth for your gold and pearl, sith Cucullus non facit Monachum, nor a Velvet slop make a sloven a gentleman: And whereas thou sayest thou wert borne in Italy, and called hither by our courtiers, him may we curse that brought thee first into England, for thou camest not alone but accompanied with a multitude of abominable vices, hanging to thy bombast nothing but infectious abuses, as vainglory, self-love, sodomic, and strange poisonings, wherewith thou hast infected this glorious Island, yea insolent bragant, thou hast defiled thine own nest, and fatal was the day of thy birth, for since the time of thy hatching in Italy, as then famous for chivalry and learning, the imperial state through thy pride hath decayed, and thou hast like the young Pelican pecked at thy mother's breast with thy presumption, causing them to lose that their forefathers with true honour conquered, so hast thou been the ruin of the Roman Empire, and now fatally art thou come into England to attempt here the like subversion. Whereas thou dost boast that I am little regarded where thou art highly accounted of, and hast sufferance to press into the presence, when I am for my simpleness shut out of door, I grant thy allegation in part, but not in whole, for men of high wisdom and honour measure not men by the outward show of bravery, but by the inward worth and honesty, and so though I am disdained of a few overweening fools, I am valued as well as thyself with the wise In that thou sayst thou canst speak when I sue by supplication, I grant it, but the tale thou tellest is to the ruin of the poor, for coming into high favour with an impudent face, what farm is there expired, whose least thou dost not beg? what forfeit of penal statutes? what concealed lands can overslip thee? yea rather than thy bravery should fail beg polling pence for the very smoke that comes out of poor men's chimneys, shamste thou not uplandish upstart to hear me discourse thy imperfections, get thee home again into thy own country, & let me as I was wont live famous in my native home in England where I was borne and bred, yea and bearded Caesar thy countryman till he compassed the conquest by treason. The right and title in this country base brat (qd velvet breeches) now authority favours me, I am admitted viceroy, & I will make thee do me homage, & confess that thou holdest thy being and residence in my land from the gracious favour of my sufferance and with that he laid hold on the hilts of his rapier, and cloth breeches betook him to his staff, when I stepping betwixt them parted them thus, Why what mean ye, will you decide your controversy by blows, when you may debate it by reason, 
The true bad●e of a justice.  this is a land of peace governed by true justiciaries and honourable magistrates, where you shall have equity without partiality, & therefore listen to me & discuss the matter by law, your quarrel is, whether of you are most ancient and most worthy, you sir, boast of your country and parentage, he of his native birth in England, you claim all, he would have but his own, both plead an absolute title of residence in this country, then must the course between you be trespass or disseison of frank tenement, you Velvet breeches in that you claim the first title you shall be plaintiff, and plead a trespass of disseison done you by Cloth breeches, so shall it be brought to a jury, and tried by a verdict of twelve or four and twenty. Tush, tush, quoth Velvet breeches, I neither like to be plaintiff, nor yet allow of a jury, for they may be partial, and so condemn me in mine own action, for the country swains can not value of my worth nor can mine honours come within the compass of their base wits, because I am a stranger in this land, & but here lately arrived, they will hold me as an upstart & so lightly esteem of my worthiness, and for my adversary is their countryman & less chargeable, he shall have the law mitigated, if a jury of hinds or peasants should be impaneled, if ancient gentlemen yeomen or plain ministers should be of the quest. I were sure to lose the day because they loathe me, in that I have persuaded so many landlords for the maintenance of my bravery to raise their rents. You seek a knot in a rush (qd I) you need not doubt of that, for whom you distrust & think not indifferent, him you upon a cause manifested, challenge from your jury. If your law allow such large favour (quoth Velvet breeches) I am content my title be tried by a jury, and therefore let mine adversary plead me Nul tort, Nul disseison. Cloth breeches was content with this, and so they both agreed I should be judge and juror in this controversy, whereupon I wished them to say for themselves what they could, that I might discourse to the jury what reasons they alleged of their Titles: then Velvet breeches began thus. I cannot but grieve that I should be thus outfast with a carters weed only fit for husbandry, seeing that I am the original of all honourable endeavours: to what end doth yooth bestow their wits on law physic, or Theology, were it not the end they aim at is the wearing of me and winning of preferment, 
Yet this posy cannot make a man rich.  Honour nourisheth Art, and for the regard of dignity do learned menstrive to exceed in their faculty. 
Impiger extremos currit Mercator ad indos,  
Per mare, per saxa, etc.  What drives the merchants to seek foreign marts, to venture their goods and hazard their lives? not, if still the end of their travel were a pair of cloth breeches, no velvet costly attire, curious and acquaint apparel is the spur that pricks them forward to attempt such danger. Doth not the Soldiers fight to be brave, the Lawyer study to countenance himself with cost, the artificer take pains only for my sake that wearing me he may brag it amongst the best, what credit carries he now adays that goes pined up in a Cloth breech, who will keep him company that thinks well of himself, unless he use the simple slave to make clean his shone, the worlds are changed and men are grown to more wit, and their minds to aspire after more honourable thoughts, they were Dunces in diebus illis, they had not the true use of gentility, and therefore they lived meanly and died obscurely, but now men's capacities are refined, time hath set a new edge on gentlemen's humours and they show them as they should be, not like gluttons as their fathers did in chines of beef and alms to the poor, but in velvets, satins, cloth of gold, pearl, yea pearl lace, which scarce Caligula wore on his birth day, and to this honourable humour have I brought these gentlemen since I came from Italy: what is the end of service to a man but to countenance himself and credit his master with brave suits, then scurvy tapsters & ostlers fex populi fill pots & rub horssehéeles, to prank themselves with my glory, alas were it not to wear me, why would so many apply themselves to extraordinary idleness? Beside, I make fools be reverenst, and thought wise amongst the common sort, I am a severe sensor to such as offend the law, provided there be a penalty annexed that may bring in some profit, yea by me the chiefest part of the realm is governed, and therefore I refer my title to the verdict of any men of judgement. To this, mildly Clothbréeches answered thus.  
As I have had always that honest humour in me to measure all estates by their virtues, not by their apparel, so did I never grudge at the bravery of any whom birth, time, place, or dignity made worthy of such costly ornaments, but if by the favour of their Prince and their own deserts they merited them, I held both lawful & commendable to answer their degrees in apparel, correspondent unto their dignities, I am not so precise directly to inveigh against the use of velvet, either in breeches or other suits, nor will I have men go like john Baptist, in coats of Camel's hair. Let Princes have their Diadems, and Cesar have what is due to Cesar, let Noblemen go as their birth requires, and Gentlemen as they are borne or bear office, I speak in mine own defence, for the ancient Gentility and yeomanry of England, and inveigh against none, but such malapert upstart as raised up from the Plough, or advanced for their Italian devices, or for their witless wealth, covet in bravery to match, nay to exceed the greatest Noblemen in this land.  
But leaving this digression mounsier velvet breeches, again to the particulars of your fond allegation. Whereas you affirm yourself to be both original and final end of learning, alas proud princox, you perch a bow to high, did all the Philosophers beat their brains, and busy their wits to wear velvet breeches. Why both at that time thou wert unknown, yea unborn, and all excess in apparel had in high contempt, and now in these days all men of worth, are taught by reading, that excess is a great sin: that pride is the first step to the downfall of shame. They study with Tully, that they may seem borne for their countries as well as for themselves. The Divine to preach the Gospel: the Lawyer to reform wrongs and maintain justice: the Physician to discover the secrets of God's wonders, by working strange cures: to be brief, the end of all being, as to know God, And not as your worship good master velvet breeches wrists to creep into acquaintance.  
I will not deny, but there be as fantastical fools as yourself, that perhaps are puffed up with such presuming thoughts, and ambitiously aim to trick themselves in your worship's masking suits: but while such climb for great honours, they often fall to great shames. It may be thereupon you bring in Honos alit Artes, but I guess your mastership never tried what true honour meant, that truss it up within the compass of a pair of velvet breeches, and place it in the arrogancy of heart, no, no: say honour is idolatry, for they make fools of themselves, and idols of their carcases: but he that valueth honour so, shall reed a lecture out of Apuleius golden Ass, to learn him more wit. But now sir by your leave, a blow with your next argument, which is, that merchants hazard their goods and lives to be acquainted with your mastership. Indeed you are awry for wise men frequent marts for profit not for pride, unless it be some, that by wearing of velvet breeches and apparel too high for their calling, have proud bankrupts in their youth, and have been glad in their age to desire my acquaintance, and to truss up their tails in homespunne russet: whereas thou dost object the valour of hardy soldiers to grow for the desire of brave apparel. 'tis false, and I know if any were present, they would prove upon thy bones thou wert a liar: for their country's good, their prince's service, the defence of their friends, the hope of favour is the final end of their resolutions: esteeming not only them but the world's glory, fickle, transitory, & inconstant. Shall I fetch from thine own country, weapons to wound thyself withal. What sayst thou to Cycuratus, was he not called to be Dictator from the Plough, and after many victories, what did he jet up and down the court in costly garments and velvet breeches? No, he despised dignity, contemned vainglory and pride, and returned again to his quiet contented life in the country. How much did Caius Fabritius value their Numa pompilius, Scevola, Scipio, Epaminondas, Aristides, they held themselves worms meat, and counted pride vanity, and yet thou art not ashamed to say, thou art the end of soldiers worthy honour. I tell thee saucy skipjack, it was a good and a blessed time here in Englane, when K. Stephen wore a pair of cloth breeches of a Noble a pair, and thought them passing costly, then did he count Westminster hall to little to be his dying chamber and his alms was not bare bones, in stead of broken meat but lusty chines of beef fell into the poor man's basket. Then charity flourished in the court, and young Courtiers strove to exceed one another in virtue, not in bravery: they road not with fans to ward their faces from the wind, but with Burgans to resist the stroke of a Battle-axe, they could then better exhort a soldier to armour then court a lady with amorits, they caused the trumpet to sound them points of wars, not Poets to write them wanton Eligies of love: they sought after honourable fame, but hunted not after fading honour: which distinction by the way take thus. There be some that seek honour, and some are sought after by honour. Such upstarts as fetch their pedigrée from their father's ancient leather apron, and creep into the court with great humility, ready at the first Basciare li predi dila vostra signo ria having gotten the countenance of some Nobleman, will straight be a kindred to Cadwaller, and swear his great grandmother was one of the Burgesses of the parliament house, will at last steal by degrees into some credit by their double diligence, and then wind some worshipful place as far as a hungry sow can smell a sir reverence, and then with all their friends seek day and night with coin & countenance till they have got it. Others there be whom honour itself seeks, and such be they whom virtue doth frame fit for that purpose, that rising by high deserts, as learning, or valour, merit more then either they look for, or their prince hath any ease conveniently to bestow on them. Such honour seeks, and they with a blushing conscience intertein him, be they never so high in favour, yet they beg no office, as the shameless upstart doth, that hath a hungry eye to spy out, an impudent face to sue, and a flattering tongue to entreat for some void place of worship, which little belonged to them if the prince intended to bestow offices for virtue not favour. Other M. velvet breeches there be of your crew, that pinch their bellies to polish their backs, that keep their maws empty, to fill their purses that have no show of gentility but a velvet slop, who by polling or selling of land that their father left, will bestow all to buy an office about the court that they may be worshipful, extorting from the poor, to raise up their money that the base deceiving companions have laid out to have an office of some countenance and credit, wherein they may of me better than themselves, be termed by the name of worship. The last whom virtue pleadeth for, and neither silver, gold, friends▪ nor favour advanceth, be men of great worth, such as are thought of worship, and unwillingly entertain hir● rather vouchsafing proffered honour for their country's cause, then for any proud opinion of hoped for preferment.  
Blessed are such lands, whose officers are so placed, and where the Prince promoteth not for coin or countenance, but for his worthy deserving virtues. But leaving this by-talke, methought I heard you say signor veluetbreeche, that you were the father of mechanical Arts and handiecrafts were found out to foster your bravery. In faith good man goosecap, you that are come from the startups, & therefore is called an upstart, quasi start up from clouted shone your lips hung in your light, when you brought forth this Lodgike: for I hope there is none so simple, but knows that handicrafts and occupation grew for necessity not pride: that men's inventions waxed sharp to profit the common wealth, not to prank up themselves in bravery. I pray you when Tubalcane invented tempering of metals had he velvet breeches to wear? In sadness, where was your worship when his brother found out the accords and discords of Music hidden in hell, and not yet thought on by the Devil, to cast forth as a bait to bring many proud fools to ruin?  
Indeed I cannot deny, but your worship hath brought in deceit as a journeyman into all companies, and made that a subtle craft, which while I was holden in esteem was but a simple mystery: now every trade hath his sleights, to slubber up his work to the eye, and to make it good to the sale, howsoever it proves in the wearing. The shoemaker cares not if his shoes hold the drawing on: the tailor sows with hot needle and burnt thread. Tush pride hath banished conscience, and velvet breeches honesty, and every servile drudge must ruffle in his silks, or else he is not suitable.  
The world was not so A principio, for when velvet was worn but in kings caps, than conscience was not a broom man in Kent street but a Courtier, than the farmer was content his son should hold the plough, and live as he had done before: Beggars than feared to aspire, and the higher sorts scorned to envy. Now every lout must have his son a Courtnoll, and those dunghill drudges wax so proud, that they will presume to wear on their feet, what kings have worn on their heads. A clowns son must be clapped in a velvet pantofle, and a velvet breech, though the presumptuous ass be drowned in the Mercer's book, and make a convey of all his lands to the usurer for commodities: yea the fop must go like a gallant for a while, although at last in his age he beg. But indeed, such young youths when the Broker hath blest them with saint Needams' cross, fall then to privy lists & cozenages, and when their credit is utterly cracked, they practise some bad shift, and so come to a shameful end.  
Lastly, whereas thou sayst thou art a severe sensour to punish sins, as austere as Cato to correct vice, of truth I hold thee so in penal statutes when thou hast begged the forfeit of the Prince: but such correction is open extortion and oppression of the poor, nor can I compare it better M. velvet breech, then to the Wolf chastising the lamb for disturbing their fountain, or the Devil casting out Devils, through the power of Belsebub, and thus much courteous sir I have said, to display the follies of mine adversary, and to show the right of mine own interest. Why then quoth I, if you have both said, it resteth but that we had some to empanel upon a jury, and then no doubt but the verdict would soon be given on one side. As thus I was talking to them, I might see coming down the hill a brave dapper Dick, quaintly attired in velvet and Satin, and a cloak of cloth rash, with a Cambric ruff as smoothly set, and he as neatly sponged, as if he had been a bridegroom, only I guessed by his pace a far off he should be a Tailor, his head was holden up so pert, and his legs shackle hamd, as if his knees had been laced to his thighs with points. Coming more near indeed, I spied a Tailor's morris pike on his breast, a spanish needle, and then I fitted my salutations, not to his suits but to his trade, and encountered him by a thread bare courtesy, as if I had not known him, and asked him of what occupation he was? A Tailor, quoth he, marry then my friend, quoth I, you are the more welcome, for here is a great quarrel grown betwixt velvet breeches and cloth breeches, for their prerogative in England: the matter is grown to an issue, there must a jury be empaneled, and I would desire and entreat you to be one of the quest.  
Not so, quoth Cloth breeches I challenge him. And why quoth I? What reason have you, doth he not make them both? yes, quoth he, but his gains is not alike: alas, by me he getteth small, only he is paid for his workmanship, unless by misfortune his shires slip awry, and then his vales is but a shred of homespunne cloth: Whereas in making of velvet breeches, where there is required silk lace, cloth of gold, of silver, and such costly stuff, to welt, guard, whip, stitch, edge, face, and draw out, that the vales of one velvet breech is more than twenty pair of mine. I hope there is no Tailor so precise, but he can play the cook and lick his own fingers: though he look up to Heaven, yet he can cast large shreds of such rich stuff into hell under his shop board. Beside he sets down like the clerk of the Check a large bill of reckonings, which for he keeps long in his pocket he so powders for stinking, that the yoonge upstart that needs it, feels it salt in his stomach a month after. Besides, sir velvet breeches hath advanced him: for whereas in my time he was counted but goodman Tailor, now he is grown since velvet breeches came in, to be called a merchant or Gentleman Marchant Tailor, giving arms and the holy Lamb in his crest, where before he had no other cognisance, but a plain Spanish needle with a welsh cricket on the top: sith than his gains are so great and his honours so advanced by velvet breeches, I will not trust his conscience, nor shall he come upon my jury.  
Indeed you have some reason quoth I, but perhaps the Tailor doth this upon mere devotion to punish pride, and having no other authority nor means, thinks it best to pinch them by the purse and make them pay well, as to ask twice so much silk lace and other stuff as would suffice, and yet to overreach my young master with a bill of reckoning that will make him scratch where it itcheth not. Herein I hold the Tailor for a necessary member to teach proud novices the way to weeping cross: that when they have wasted what their fathers left them by pride, they may grow sparing and humble, by inferred poverty: and by this reason, the Tailor plays God's part: he exalteth the poor and pulleth down the proud: For of a wealthy Esquires son, he makes a threadbare beggar: and of a scornful Tailor, he sets up an upstart scurvy Gentleman. Yet seeiing you have made a reasonable challenge to him, the Tailor shall be none of the quest.  
As I bade him stand by, 
All this was gentlemen's cast apparel.  there was coming alongst the valley towards us, a square set fellow well fed, and as briskly appareled, in a black taffeta doublet and a spruce leather jerkin, with Crystal buttons: A cloak faced afore with velvet, and a Coventry cap of the finest wool, his face something Ruby blush, Cherry cheeked, like a shred of scarlet or a little darker, like the lees of old claret wine: a nose autem nose purphled preciously with pearl & stone, like a counterfeit work, and between the filthy reumy-cast of his bloudshotten snout, there appeared small holes, whereat worms heads peeped as if they meant by their appearance to preach and show the antientie and antiquity of his house.  
This fiery faced churl had upon his fingers as many gol rings, as would furnish a goldsmith's shop or beseem a pander of long profession to were, wondering what companion this would be, I inquiret of what occupation he was: marry sir quoth he, a Broker, why do you ask, have you any pawns at my house? No quoth I, nor by the help of God never will have: but the reason is to have you upon a jury. At this word, before I could enter my discourse unto him, velvet breeches start up, and swore he should be none of the quest, he would challenge him, and why quoth I, what know you by him? This base churl is one of the moths of the Common wealth, he is the spoil of young gentlemen a blood sucker of the poor, as thirsty as a horse leech that will never leave drinking while he burst, a knave that hath interest in the leases of forty bawdy houses, a receiver for lists, and a dishonourable supporter of cutpurses, to conclude, he was gotten by an Incubus a he Devil, & brought forth by an over worn refuse, that had spent her youth under the rains of Bowbies' Barn.  
O monstrous invective, quoth I, what reason have you to be thus bitter against him? Oh the villain, quoth he, is the devils factor, sent from hell to torment young Gentlemen upon earth: he hath fetched me over in his time, only in pawns, in ten thousand pound in gold. Suppose as Gentlemen through their liberal minds may want that I need, money: let me come to him with a pawn worth ten pound, he will not lend upon it above three pound, and he will have a bill of sale and twelve pence in the pound for every month, so that it comes to sixteen pence, sith the bill must monthly be renewed, and if you break but your day, set down in the bill of sale, your pawn is lost, as full bought and sold, you turned out of your goods and he an unconscionable gainer. Suppose the best, you keep your day, yet paying sixteen pence a month for twenty shillings, you pay as good for the lone as four score in the hundredth, is not this monstrous exacting upon Gentlemen. Beside the knave will be diligently attending and waiting at dicing houses where we be at play, and there he is ready to lend the loser money upon rings, and chains, apparel or any other good pawn, but the poor gentleman pays so dear for the lavender it is laid up in, that if it lie long at a broker's house he seems to buy his apparel twice: nay this worm eaten wretch hath deeper pitfalls yet to trap youth in, for he being acquainted with a young gentleman of fair living, in issue of good parents or assured possibility, soothes him in his monstrous expenses & says he carries the mind of a gentleman, promising if he want he shall not lack for a hundred pound or two, if the gentleman need, then hath my broker an usurer at hand as ill as himself, and he brings the money, but they tie the poor soul in such darby's bands, what with receiving ill commodities and forfeitures upon the band, that they dub him sir john hadlande before they leave him, and share like wolves the poor novices wealth betwixt them as a pray, he is (sir) to be brief, a bowsie bawdy miser, good for none but himself and his trugge, a carl that hath a filthy carcase without a conscience, a body of a man wherein an infernal spirit in steed of a soul doth inhabit, the scum of the seven deadly sins, an enemy to all good minds, a devourer of young gentlemen, and to conclude my mortal enemy, and therefore admit of my challenge, and let him be none of the jury. Truly (qd Cloth breeches) and I am willing he should be discarded too, for were not bad brokers (I will not condemn all) there would be less filching and fewer thieves, for they receive all is brought them, and buy that for a Crown that is worth twenty shillings, desire of game blinds their conscience, and they care not how it be come by, so they buy it cheap. Beside they extort upon the poor that are enforced through extreme want to pawn their clothes and household stuff, their pewter and brass, and if the poor souls that labour hard miss but a day, the base minded broker takes the forfeit without remorse or pity, it was not so in Diebus illis, but thou proud upstart Velvet breeches hast learned all Englishmen their villainy, and all to maintain thy bravery: yea, I have known o'late when a poor woman laid a silver thimble that was sent her from her friends for a token, to pawn for six pence, and the broker made her pay a halfpenny a week for it, which comes to two shillings a year, for six pence: sith than his conscience is so bad, let him be shuffled out amongst the knaves for a discarding card, Content, qd I, and bad the broker stand back, when there were even at my heels three in a cluster pert youths all, and neatly tired, I questioned them what they were, and the one said he was a barber, the other a surgeon, the third an apothecary. How like you of these (qd I) shall they be of your jury? Of the jury, qd Clothbreeches, never a one by my consent, for I challenge them all: your reason qd I, and then ye shall have my verdict. Marry (qd Clothbreeches) first to the barber he can not be but a partial man on velvet breeches side, sith he gets more by one time dressing of him, than by ten times dressing of me, I come plain to be polled & to have my beard cut, and pay him two penc, velvet breeches he sits down in the chair wrapped in fine clothes, as though the barber were about to make him a foot-cloth for the vicar of saint fools, then gins he to take his scissors in his hand and his comb, and so to snap with them as if he meant to give a warning to all the louse in his nitty locks for to prepare themselves, for the day of their destruction was at hand, then comes he out with his fustian eloquence and making a low congee saith: Sir will you have your wor hair cut after the Italian manner, short and round, and then frounced with the curling irons, to make it look like a half-moon in a mist? or like a spaniard long at the ears, and curled like to the two ends of an old cast periwig, or will you be Frenchified with a love lock down to your shoulders, wherein you may wear your mistress favour? the English cut is base and gentlemen scorn it, novelty is dainty, speak the word sir, my scissors are ready to execute your worships will. His head being once dressed, which requires in combing and rubbing some two hours: he comes to the basin, then being curiously washed with no worse than a camphier ball, he descends as low as his beard, and asketh whether he please to be shaven or no, whether he will have his peak cut short & sharp, amiable like an Inamerato or broad pendant like a spade, to be terrible like a warrior and a Soldado, whether he will have his crates cut low like a juniperbush, or his suberches taken away with a Razor, if it be his pleasure to have his appendices primde, or his mustachioes fostered to turn about his ears like the branches of a vine, or cut down to the lip with the Italian lash, to make him look like a half faced baubie in brass. These acquaint terms Barber you greet master velvet breeches withal, and at every word a snap with you sissors, and a cringe with your knee, whereas when you come to poor Clothbreeches you either cut his beard at your own pleasure, or else in disdain ask him if he will be trimmed with Christ's cut, round like the half of a holland cheese, mocking both Christ and us: for this your knavery my will is you shall be none of the jury. For you master surgeon, the statutes of England exempts you from being of any quest, and beside, alas, I seldom fall into your hands as being quiet and making no brawls to have wounds, as swartrutting velvetbreeches doth, neither do I frequent whorehouses to catch the mar-tooles, and so to grow your patient, I know you not, and therefore I appeal to the statute, you shall have nothing to do with my matter. And for you M. apothecary, alas, I look not once in seven year into your stop, without it be to buy a pennyworth of worm-séed to give my child to drink, or a little treacle to drive out the measles, or perhaps some dregs and powders to make my sick horse a drench withal, but for myself, if I be ill at ease, I take Kitchen physic, I make my wife my Doctor, and my garden my apothecary's shop, whereas queasy master velvet breeches cannot have a fart awry, but he must have his purgations, pills, and glisters, or evacuate by electuaries, he must if the least spot of morpue come on his face, have his oil of Tartar, his Lac virgins, his camphor dissolved in verjuice, to make the fool as fair forsooth, as if he were to play Maidmarian in a May-game or Moris-daunce, tush he cannot digest his meat without conserves, nor end his meal without suckats, nor (shall I speak plainly) please the trug his mistress without he go to the Apothecaries for Eringion, Oleum formicarum atalarum, & aqua mirabilis of ten pound a pint, if mast Velvet breeches with drinking these drugs hap to have a stinking breath, then forsooth the apothecary must play the parfumer to make it sweet, nay what is it about him that he blameth not nature for framing, and formeth it anew by art, and in all this who but monsieur the apothecary, therefore good sir (quoth he) seeing you have taken upon you to be trior for the challenges, let those three as partial companions be packing. Why (qd I) seeing you have yielded such reason of refusal, let them stand by: presently looking about for more, comes stalking down an aged grave sir in a black velvet coat and a black cloth gown welted and faced, and after him as I suppose, four servingmen, the most ill favoured knaves me thought that ever I saw, one of them had on a buff leather jerkin all greasy before with the droppings of bear that fell from his beard, 
1. Officer.  and by his side a skein like a Brewer's boung knife, and muffled he was in a cloak turned over his nose, as though he had been ashamed to show his face. The second had a belly like a buckingtub, 
2. Sumner.  and a threadbare black coat unbuttond before upon the breast, whereon the map of drunkenness was drawn, with the bawdy and bowsie excrements that dropped from his filthy leaking mouth. 
3. Jailer.  The third was a long lean old slavering slangrel with a brasil staff in the one hand, and a whipcord in the other, so pour blind that he had like to have stumbled upon the company before he saw them. 
4. Informer.  The fourth was a fat chuff with a sour look in a black cloak faced with taffeta, and by his side a great side pouch like a falconer: for their faces all four seemed to be brethren, they were so bombasted with the flocks of strong bée●e, and lined with the lees of old sack, that they looked like four blown bladders painted over with red oake●, or washed over with the suds of an old stale die. All these, as well the master as the following mates would have passed away, but that I stepped before them and inquired first of the foremost what he was, Mary qd he, a Lawyer, than sir qd I, we have a matter in controversy that requireth counsel, and you are the more welcome, What is it, qd he, Mary said I, whether Clothbréeches or velvetbreeches are of more worth, and which of them hath the best title to be resident in England? At this the lawyer smiled, and velvetbreeches stepping forth took acquaintance of him, and commending his honesty, said there could not be a man of better indifferency of the jury: when clothbréeches stepping in swore he marveled he was not as well as the Surgeon exempted by act of parliament from being of any quest, sith as the surgeon was without pity, so he was without conscience, and thereupon inferred his challenge, saying the Lawyer was never friend to clothbréeches, for when lowliness neighbourhood and hospitality lived in England, Westminster hall was a dining chamber, not a den of controversies, when the king himself was content to keep his S. George's day in a plain pair of Kersie hose, when the duke, earl, lord, knight, gentleman and esquire, aimed at virtue▪ not at pride, and wore such breeches as was spun in his house, than the lawyer was a simple man, and in the highest degree was but a bare scrivener, except judges of the land which took in hand serious matters, as treasons, murders, felonies, and such capital offences, but seldom was there any pleas put in before that proud upstart velvet breeches, for his maintenance invented strange controversies▪ and since he began to domineer in England, he hath busd such a proud busy covetous & encroaching humour into every man's head, that Lawyers are grown to be one of the chief limbs of the commonwealth, for they do now adays de lana caprina rixare, go to law if a hen do but scrape in his orchard, but howsoever right be, might carries away the verdict: if a poor man sue a gentleman, why he shoots up to the sky, and the arrow falls on his own head howsoever the cause go, the weakest is thrust to the wall, lawyers are troubled with the heat of the liver, which makes the palms of their hands so hot that they cannot be cooled unless they be rubbed with the oil of angels, but the poor man that gives but his bare fee, or perhaps pleads in forma pauperis, he hunteth for hares with a taber, and gropeth in the dark to find a needle in a bottle of hay, tush these lawyers have such delatory & foreign pleas such dormers, such quibs and quiddits, that beggaring their clients they purchase to themselves whole lordships, it booteth not men to discourse their little conscience, & great extortion, only suffice they be not so rich as they be bad, and yet they be but too wealthy. I inveigh not against law nor honest lawyers, for there be some well qualified, but against extorting Ambodexters that wring the poor, and because I know not whether this be such a one or no, I challenge him not to be of my jury. Why then, qd I, his worship may departed, and then I questioned what he in the buff jerkin was, Mary qd he, I am a sergeant, he had no sooner said so, but velvet breeches leapt back, and drawing his rapier, swore he did not only challenge him for his jury, but also protested if he stirred one foot toward him, he would make him eat a piece of his poinard. And what is the reason qd I, that there is such mortal hatred betwixt you and the Sergeant? Oh sir, quoth Velvet breeches, search him, and I warrant you the knave hath precept upon precept to arrest me, hath worn his mace smooth, with only clapping it upon my shoulder he hath had me under coram so often, oh the reprobate is the usurers executioner to bring such Gentlemen to Limbo as he hath overthrown with his base brocage and bad commodities: and as you see him a fat knave with a foggy face, wherein a cup of old sack hath set a seal, to mark the bowsie drunkard to die of the dropsy, so his conscience is consumed, and his heart robbed of all remorse and pity, that for money he will betray his own father, for will a cormorant but fee him to arrest a young gentleman, the rakehell will be so eager to catch him, as a dog to take a bear by the ears in Parrish-garden, and when he hath laid hold upon him, he useth him as courteously as a Butcher's cur would do an ox cheek when he is hungry, if he see the gentleman hath money in his purse, then strait with a cap and knee he carries him to the tavern and bids him send for some of his friends to bale him, but first he covenants to have some brace of angels for his pains, and beside he calls in for wine as greedily as if the knaves mother had been broached against a hogshead when he was begotten, but suppose the Gentleman wants pence he will either have a pawn or else dreg him to the counter without respect of manhood or honesty, I should spend the whole day with displaying his villainies, therefore briefly let this suffice, he was never made by the consent of God, but his slovenly carcase was framed by the devil, of the rotten carrion of a wolf, and his soul of an usurers damned ghost turned out of hell into his body to do monstrous wickedness again upon the earth, so that he shall be none of my jury, neither shall he come nearer me than the length of my rapier will suffer him. Indeed quoth Clothbréeches generally sergeant be bad but there be amongst them some honest men, that will do their duties with lawful favour: for, to say truth, if sergeant were not, how should men come by their debts? marry they are so cruel in their office, that if they arrest a poor man, they will not suffer him (if he hath not money) to stay a quarter of an hour to talk with his creditor, although perhaps at the meeting they might take composition, but only to the counter with him, unless he will lay his pewter, bras, coverlets, sheets, or such housholdstuf, to them for pawn of payment of some coin for their staying: therefore let him departed out of the place, for his room is better than his company. Well then qd I, what say you to these three, and with that I questioned their names, the one said he was a sumner, the other a gaoler, and the third an informer: jesus bless me (quoth Cloth breeches) what a Ging was here gathered together, no doubt Hell is broke lose, and the Devil means to keep holiday, I make challenge against them all, as against worse men than those that gave evidence against Christ: for the Sumner it boots me to say little more against him, than Chaucer did in his Canturbury tales, who said he was a knave, a bribar, and a bawd, but leaving that authority although it be authentical, yet thus much I can say of myself, that these drunken drowsy sons go tooting abroad (as they themselves term it) which is to here if any man hath got his maid with child or plays the goodfellow with his neighbours wife, if he find a hole in any man's coat that is of wealth, than he hath his peremptory citation ready to scite him unto the Archdeacon's or officials court, there to appear and abide the shame and penalty of the law, the man perhaps in good credit with his neighbours, loath to bring his name in question, greseth the sumner in the fist, and then he wipes him out of the book, & suffers him to get twenty with child so he keep him warm in the hand: he hath a saying to wanton wives, & they are his good dames, and as long as they feed him with cheese bacon, capons, & such odd reversions they are honest, and be they never so bad, he swears to the official complaints are made upon envy and the women of good behaviour: tush what bawdry is it he will not suffer, so he may have money and good cheer, & if he like the wench well an snatch himself for they know all the whores in a country, & are as lecherous companions as may be, to be brief, the sumner lives upon sins of people, & out of harlotry gets he all his commodity. As for the Gaoler, although I have been little troubled in prison to have experience of his knavery, yet have I heard the poor prisoners complain how cruel they be to them, extorting with extraordinary fees, selling a double curtal (as they call it) with a double jug of beer for 2 pence, which contains not above a pint and a half: let a poor man but be arrested into one of the counters, though he but set his foot in them but half an hour, he shall be almost at an angels charge, what with garnish, crossing and wiping out of the book, turning the key, paying the chamberlain, féeing for his jury, & twenty such extortions invented by themselves, and not allowed by any statute, God bless me gaoler from your henhouses, as I will keep you from coming in my quest, and to you M. Informer, you that look like a civil Citizen, or some handsome petty sogger of the law: although your crimson nose bewrays you can sup of a cool cup or Sack without any chewing, yet have you as much fly knavery in your side pouch there, as would breed the confusion of forty honest men. It may be sir you marvel, why I exclaim against the informer, sith he is a most necessary member in the common wealth, and is highly to the Prince's advantage for the benefit of pennall statutes and other abuses, whereof he giveth special intelligence? To wipe out this doubt I speak not against the office but the officer, against such as abuse law when they should use it, and such none I guess this fellow to be, by the carnation tincture of his ruby nose. Therefore let us search his bag, and see what trash you shall find in it: with that although the informer were very loath, yet we plucked out the stuffing of his pouch, and in it was found a hundredth and odd writs: Whereat I wondered: and Cloth breeches smiling, bade me read she Labels, and the parties names, and then examine the informer how many of them he knew, and wherein they had offended. I followed his counsel, and of all he knew but three, neither could he tell what they had done amiss to be arrested and brought in question.  
Cloth breeches seeing me stand in a maze, began thus to resolve me in my doubt. Perhaps, quoth he, you marvel why the informer hath all these writs, and knows neither the parties nor can object any offence to them? To this I answer: That it being a long vacation, he learned in the roll all those men's names, and that they were men of in different wealth: Now means he to go abroad and search them out and arrest them, and though they know not wherein or for what cause they should be troubled, yet rather than they will come up to London and spend their money, they will bestow some odd Angel of Master infourmer, and so sit at home in quiet. But suppose some be so stubborn as to stand to the trial, yet can this cunning knave declare a Tam quam against them, so that though they be cleared, yet can they have no recompense at all, for that he doth it in the Court's behalf, I will not unfold all his villainies, but he is an abuser of good laws and a very knave, and so let him be, with his fellows. I both wondered and laughed to hear Clothbreeches make this discourse, when I saw two in the valley together by the ears, the one in leather, the other as black as the Devil: I stepped to them to part the fray, and questioned what they were, and wherefore they brawled: Marry, quoth he, that looked like Lucifer, though I am black I am not the Devil, but indeed a Collier of Croyden, and one sir that have sold many a man a false sack of coals, that both wanted measure and was half full of dust and dross. Indeed I have been a lieger in my time in London, and have played many mad pranks for which cause, you may see I am made a curtal, for the Pillory hath eaten off both my ears, and now sir this ropemaker hunteth me here with his halters, I guess him to be some evil spirit, that in the likeness of a man would since I have passed the pillory persuade me to hang myself for my old offences, and therefore sith I cannot bless me from him with Nomine patris, I lay Spiritus sanctus about his shoulders with a cudgel, that he may get out of my company. The ropemaker replied, that honestly journeying by the way, he acquainted himself with the Collier, & for no other cause pretended. And whether are you a going qd, I? Marry sir qd he, first to absolve your question, I dwell in Saffron Waldon, and am going to Cambridge to three sons that I keep there at school, such apt children sir as few women have groaned for, and yet they have ill luck. The one sir is a Divine to comfort my soul, & he indeed though he be a vain glorious ass, as divers youths of his age be, is well given to the show of the world, and writ a late the lamb of God, and yet his parishioners say he is the limb of the devil, and kisseth their wives with holy kisses, but they had rather he should keep his lips for madge his mare. The second sir, is a Physician or a fool, but indeed a physician, & had proved a proper man if he had not spoiled himself with his Astrological discourse of the terrible conjunction of Saturn and jupiter. For the eldest, he is a Civilian, a wondrous witted fellow, sir reverence sir, he is a Doctor, 
Such a Richard by S. Harry look to it for all the Poets in England will have a blow at your breech for calling them poperlye make plays, and will if you reconcile not yourself bring your worship on the stage.  and as Tubalcain was the first inventor of Music, so he God's benison light upon him, was the first that invented English Hexamiter: but see how in these days learning is little esteemed, for that and other familiar letters and proper treatises he was orderly clapped in the Fleet, but sir a Hawk and a Kite may bring forth a coistrel, and honest parents may have bad children. Honest with the devil qd the Collier, How can he be honest, whose mother I guess was a witch. For I have heard them say, that witches say their prayers backward, and so doth the ropemaker yearn his living by going backward, and the knaves chief living is by making fatal instruments, as halters and ropes, which divers desperate men hang themselves with. Well qd I, what say you to these, shall they be on the jury? Velvet breeches said nothing, but Cloth breeches said, in the ropemaker he found no great falsehood in him, therefore he was willing he should be one, but for the Collier he thought it necessary that as he came so he should departed, so than I bade the ropemaker stand by till more came, which was not long. For there came 3. in a cluster. Assoon as they drewnie, I spied one, a fat churl with a side russet cote to his knee, and his hands all to tanned with shifting his Ouse, yet would I not take notice what they were, but questioned them their occupations. Marry qd the first, I am a tanner, the second a shoemaker, the third a Currier: then turning to the plaintiff and defendant, I asked them if they would allow of those parties. No by my faith qd Clothbréeches, I make challenge unto them all, and I will yield reasons of import against them, & first to you M. Tanner. Are you a man worthy to be on a jury, when your conscience ears not to wrong the whole Commonwealth? you respect not public commodity, but private gains: not to benefit your neighbour, but for to make the proud princocxe your son an upstart Gentleman, and because you would marry your Daughter at the least to an Esquire, that she may if it be possible, be a Gentlewoman, and how comes this to pass, by your Tan-fats forsooth: For whereas by the statutes of England you should let a hide lie in the Ouse at the least nine months, you can make good leather of it before three months, you have your doves dung, your marvel, your Ashen bark, and a thousand things more, to bring on your leather apace, that it is so badly tanned, that when it comes to the wearing, than it fleets away like a piece of brown paper: and whereas your backs of all other should be best tanned, you bring them so full of horn to the market, that did you not grease the sealer's of Leaden Hall thoroughly in the fist, they should never be sealed, but turned away and made forfeit by the statute. I cannot at large lay open your subtle practices to beguile the poor communalitie with bad leather. But let this suffice, you leave no villainy unsought, to bring the blockhead your son to go afore the Clown his father, trimly tricked up in a pair of velvet breeches.  
Now master Currier to your cozenage, you cannot be content only to burn the Leather you dress for fault of liquor, because you would make the shoemaker pay well and you put in little stuff: and beside, when as in backs you should only put in Tallow hard and good, you put in soft kitchen stuff mixed, and so make the good and well tanned Leather by your villainy to fleet and waste away, but also you grow to be an extorting knave and a forestaller of the market. For you will buy Leather, sides, backs, and calves skins, and sell them to poor shoemakers at an unreasonable rate, by your false retailing, getting infinite goods by that excessive price: both undoing the poor shoemaker, and causing us that we pay extremely for shoes. For if the Currier bought not Leather by the whole of the Tanner, the shoemaker might have it at a more reasonable price: but the shoemaker being poor, is not perhaps able to deal with a dicker of Hides, nor perhaps with a couple of backs, and the Tanner will not trust him: then the extorting and cozening Currier comes up with this, I will lend you for a day and so pincheth him, that he is scarce able to find his children bread. But well hath the Prince and the Honourable Lords of the privy Counsel provided by Act of Parliament, that no Currier shall buy leather either hides or backs of the Tanner, so to bridle the extorting and forestall cozenage, but craftilyer and subteller hath the knave Currier crosbitten the statute, in that he deals thus with the Tanner, he makes him hold his leather unreasonably to the shoemaker, and so when he cannot sell it, he lays it up in the Curriers house, under a colour whereas indeed he hath sold it him. Suppose this shift be spied and prevented: then compoundeth he with some knave shoemaker, some base rakehell without a conscience, that neither respecteth God, the Commonwealth, nor his Company, and forsooth he is half with the Currier, who letteth him have some hundredth mark to lay out for leather every month, whereas he spends not in his shop a hundred marks worth in a year: so the shoemaker buys it to abuse the statute for the Currier, and the Currier by that means vndooeth the other shoemakers: thus two crafty knaves are met and they need no broker.  
Now to you gentle craft, you mass shoemaker: you can put in the inner sole, of a thin calves skin, when as the shoe is a neats leather shoe, which you know is clean contrary both to conscience and the statute. Beside, you will join a neats leather vampey to a calves leather heel: is not here good stuff master shoemaker. Well for your knavery, you shall have these curses which belongs unto your craft: you shall be light footed to travel far, light witted upon every small occasion to give your masters the bag, you shall be most of you unthrifts, and almost all perfect goodfellows. Beside I remember a meryiest how S. Peter brought you to a dangerous disease, for he requested a boon for you, which fell out to your great disadvantage, and to recreate us a little here Gentle craft, what fell to your trade by that holy saint. It chanced that on a day, saint Peter and Christ walking together, Peter was wonderfully hungry, and had no money in his purse to buy him any food, and at last to his great comfort he espied where a company of Tailors were at Dinner with buttered pease, eating their pease with their needle's points one by one: saint Peter came to them and asked them his alms, they proudly bade him sit down and do as he saw they did, and with that delivered him a needle. The poor saint being passing hungry, could not content his maw with eating one by one, but turned the eye of his needle and eat two or three together: which the Tailors seeing, they start up and said, What fellow: a shovel and a spade to buttered pease, hast thou no more manners? Get out of our company, and so they sent him packing with many strokes. Peter coming back, Christ demanded of him what news: and he told him how churlishly he was used amongst the Tailors. Well, wandering on further, Peter espied where a company of shoemakers were at Dinner, with powdered beef & brewis, going to them before he could ask them any alms, they said, welcome good fellow, What is thy stomach up, wilt thou do as we do, and taste of beef? saint Peter thanked them and sat down and eat his belly full, and drank well of good double beer, And when he had done went home to his master. Assoon as he came Christ asked him what news, and he said: Oh master, I have lighted amongst a crew of shoemakers, the best fellows that ever I met withal, they have frankly fed me without grudging, and therefore master grant me a boon for them. Ask what thou wilt Peter, quoth he, and it shall be done? Why then Lord, quoth he, grant that for this good turn they have done me. they may ever spend a groat afore they can yearn two pence. It shall be granted quoth he. Peter assoon as Christ had said the word, he bethought himself and said: Nay Lord, but that they may yearn a groat afore they spend two pence, for my tongue slipped at the first. Well Peter quoth he, it cannot be recalled the first wish must stand, and hereof by saint Peter's boon it grew, that all of the Gentle craft are such good fellows & spendthriftes. But howsoever, none of those three, neither shoemaker, Tanner, nor Currier, shall be accepted to be of the jury.  
As they went away with fleas in their ears, being thus taunted by Cloth breeches, we might see where there came a troop of ancient Gentlemen, with their seruingemen attending upon them. The foremost was a great old man, with a white beard all in russet, and a fair black cloak on his back, and attending on him he had some five men, there cognisance as I remember was a Peacock without a tail, the other two that accompanied him, seemed meaner than himself, But yet Gentlemen of good worship. Whereupon I went towards them, and saluted them, and was so bold as to question what they were, and of their business.  
The most ancientest answered he was a Knight, and those two his neighbours, the one an Esquire, the other a Gentleman, and that they have no urgent affairs, but only to walk abroad to take the fresh air. Then did I show them both Cloth breeches, and Velvet breeches, and told them the controversy, and desired their aid to be upon the jury. They smiling answered, They were content, and so did Cloth breeches seem to rejoice, that such honest ancient, English Gentlemen should be triers of his Title, But Velvet breeches storming, stepped in and made challenge to them all. I demanded the reason why he should refuse Gentlemen of so good calling? And he made me this answer. Why you may guess the inward mind by the outward apparel and see how he is addicted by the homely robes he is suited in. Why this knight is mortal enemy to pride & so to me: he regardeth hospitality and aimeth at honour with relieving the poor, you may see although his lands and revenues be great, and he able to maintain himself in great bravery, yet he is content with homespun cloth, and scorneth the pride that is used nowadays amongst young upstartes, he holdeth not the worth of his Gentry to be and consist in Velvet breeches, but valeweth true fame by the report of the common sort who praise him for his virtue, justice, liberality, housekeeping and almsdeeds, Vox populi vox dei, his tenants and Farmers would if it might be possible, make him immortal with their prayers and praises. He raiseth no rent, racketh no lands, taketh no incumbs, imposeth no merciless fines, envies not an other, buyeth no house over his neighbour's head: but respecteth his country and the commodity thereof, as dear as his life. He regardeth more to have the needy fed, to have his board garnished with full platters, then to famous himself with excessive furniture in apparel. Since than he scorneth pride, he must of force proclaim himself mine enemy, and therefore he shall be none of my jury, and such as himself I guess the Squire and the gentleman and therefore I challenge them all three. Why quoth I, this is strange, that a man should be drawn from a quest for his godliness. If men for virtue be challenged, whom shall we have upon the jury? Your objection helps not master Velvet breeches: For if he be a man of so godly a disposition, he will neither speak for fear or favour, he will regard neither the riches of the one, nor the plain poverty of the other. Whereupon sith you have made me trier, I allow them all three to be of the jury, and so I requested them to sit down till our jury was full, which they courteously did, although velvet breeches frouned at it. When I looking for more, saw where there came a troup of men, in apparel seeming poor honest Citizens, in all they were eight. I demanded of them what they were, and whither they were going. One of them that seemed the wealthiest, who was in a furred jacket made answer, that they were all friends going to the burial of a neighbour of theirs, that yester night died, and if would do me any pleasure to hear their names, they were not so dainty but that they would tell them, and so then he began to tell me, that by his Art he was a Skinner, the second said he was a joiner, the third was a Saddler, the fourth a waterman, the fift was a Cutler, the sixth was a Bellowsmender, the seventh a plasterer, and the eight a Printer. In good time quoth I, it is commendable when neighbours love so well together, but if your speed be not overmuch, I must request you to be of a jury, so I discoursed unto them the controversy between Clothbréeches and velvetbreeches, and to what issue it must grow by a verdict, they seemed all content, and I turned to the plaintiff and defendant, and asked if they would make challenge to any of these. I scorn qd velvetbreeches, to make any great objection against them, sith they be mechanical men, and I almost hold them indifferent for this I know, they get as much and more by me than by him, the skinner I use for furs, whereas this base clothbréeches hath scarce a gown faced once in his life, the sadler for costly embroidered saddles, the joiner for seeling my house, the cutler for gilt rapiers, the waterman I use continually, ten times for his once, and so likewise the plasterer, for the bellowsmender alas poor snake I know him not, for the Printer by our Lady I think I am some ten pounds in his debt for books, so that for my part let them all pass. And for me to, qd Clothbréeches, but yet a little to put them in remembrance of their follies, let me have about with them all, and first with you maisser skinner, to whom I can say little but only this, that whereas you should only put the backs of skins into facing, you taw the wombs and so deceive the buyer, beside if you have some fantastic skin brought you not worth two pence, with some strange spots though it be of a libbet, you will swear 'tis a most precious skin, and came from Musco or the furthest parts of Calabria. The Saddler he stuffs his panels with straw or hay and overglaseth them with hair, and makes the leather of them of morts, or tanned sheep's skins. The joiner though an honest man, yet he maketh his joints weak, and putteth in sap in the morteses which should be the heart of the tree, and all to make his stuff slender. And you cutler, you are patron of ruffions and swashbucklers, and will sell them a blade that may be thrust into a bushel, but if a poor man that cannot skill of it you sell him a sword or rapier new overglased, and swear the blade came either from Turkey or Toledo. Now master Waterman you will say there is no subtlety in you, for there is none so simple but that knows your fares and what is due between Greenwiche and London, and how you earn your money painfully with the sweat of your brows, all this is true, but let me whisper one thing in your ear, you will play the goodfellow too much if you be well greased in the fist, for if a young Gentleman and a pretty wench come to you and say, Waterman, my friend and I mean to go by water and to be merry a night or two, I care not which way nor whether we go, and therefore where thou thinkest we may have best lodging thither carry us: then off goes your cap and away they go, to Brainfoord or some other place, and then you say, Hostess I pray you use this Gentleman and his wife well, they are come out of London to take the air and mean to be merry here a night or two, and to spend their money frankly, when God wots they are neither man nor wife, nor perhaps of any acquaintance before their match made in some bawdy tavern, but you know no such matter, and therefore waterman I pardon you. And for you plasterer and bellowsmender I pass you over and so do I the Printer to, only this I must needs say to him that some of his trade will print lewd books, and bawdy pamphlets (by M. R.G.) but Auri sacra favores quid non, and therefore I am content they shall be all of the jury. I was glad there were so many accepted of at once, & hoped that now quickly the jury would be full, looking about me, strait I might see one alone come running as fast as he could, I wondered what he should be that he made such haste, and the Skinner told me he was an honest man, and one of their company, by his occupation a bricklaier. Oh qd velvetbreeches, a good honest simple man, he hath been long in my work in building me a sumptuous house. But I challenge him, qd clothbréeches, for he is a juggler. How qd I can it be, see he goeth very homely in leather and hath his ruler in his hand and his trowel at his side, and he seemeth not as one that were given to such qualities. Yes (quoth clothbréeches) he hath this policy, when he maketh a stately place all glorious to the eye and full of fair chambers and goodly rooms, and about the house perhaps some threescore chimneys, yet he can so cunningly cast by his art that three of them shall not smoke in the twelvemonth, and so spoils he much good mortar & brick. Why qd I, the fault is not in the workman but the housekeeper, for now adays men build for to please the eye not to profit the poor, they use no roast, but for themselves and their household, nor no fire but in a little court chunnie in their own chamber, how can the poor bricklaier then be blamed, when the niggardness of the Lord or master is the cause no more chimneys do smoke, for would they use ancient hospitality as their forefathers did, and value as lightly of pride as their great grandfathers, than should you see every chimney in the house smoke, and prove that the poor Artificer had done his part. Why then qd Clothbreeches as you please, admit him on the quest. But what be these qd Clothbreeches, that come here so soberly? I hope they be honest men, for they look very demure, I will inquire said I, and with that stepping to them, I demanded their names and very courtiouslye the one said he was a brewer, the other a butcher, the third a baker, and the fourth a victualler. Hearing what they were, I was glad, guessing sith they were so honest substantial men that they would help to make up the jury, when velvetbreeches with a grim and sour countenance gave them this challenge. I hold it not necessary (quoth he) that these have any thing to deal in my cause, sith I am at odds with them all at least in forty pounds a piece, for this seven years I have been indebted unto them for bread, beef, bear and other victuals, then sith they have credited me long, and I have had so little care to pay them, I doubt now they will revenge themselves and pass against me in the verdict. Nay (quoth I) the rather will they hold on your part, for if they be honest wise men (as they seem to be) they will be careful of your preferment, seeing the more highly they are advanced, the more like are they to come by their own. If therefore you can object no other points of dishonesty against them, I see no reason why they should be put by. If you do not (qd clothbréeches) then here me and I will prove them unfit to have any dealings here, and first for the Butcher. I pray you goodman kilcalfe, what havoc play you with puffing up of meat, and blowing with your prickar as you flay it, have you not your artificial knaveries to set out your meat with pricks, and then swear he hath more for money than ever you bought, to sell a piece of an old Cow for a chop of a young Ox, to wash your old meat that hath hung weltering in the shop with new blood, to truss away an old eaw in stead of a young weather, and although you know it is hurtful and forbidden by statutes to slay your hides, skins, and backs, with cuts and slashes to the impoverishing of the poor shoemaker when he buys it, yet I pray you how many flaughters do you make in a poor calves skin? Oh Butcher, a long lent be your punishment, for you make no conscience in deceiving the poor. And you must Brewer that grow to be worth forty thousand pounds by selling of sodden water, what subtlety have you in making your bear to spare the malt and put in the more of the hop to make your drink (be barley never so cheap) not a whit the stronger and yet never sell a whit the more measure for money, you can when you have taken all the heart of the malt away, then clap on store of water 'tis cheap enough, and mash out a tunning of small bear, so thin that it scours a man's maw like rhenish wine: in your conscience how many barrels draw you out of a quarter of malt, fie, fie, I conceal your falsehood, lest I should be too broad in setting down your faults. And as for you goodman Baker, that delight to be seen where most people resort, even on the pillory in the chief market place, the world cries out of your wiliness, you crave but one dear year to make your daughter a gentlewoman, you buy your corn at the best hand, and yet will not be content to make your bread weight, you put in yeast and salt to make it heavy, and yet all your policy can not make it but you fine for the Pillory, the poor cry out, the rich find fault, and the Lord Mayor of London and the Sheriffs like honourable and worshipful magistrates every day walk abroad and weigh your bread, and yet all will not serve to make you honest men, but were extremity used, and the statute put in the highest degree in practice, you would have as few ears on your heads as the collier. Last to you Tom tapster, that tap your small cans of bear to the poor, and yet fill them half full of froth that carded your bear (if you see your guests begin to be drunk) half small and half strong, you cannot be content to pinch with your small pots and your Ostrie faggots: but you have your trugs to draw men on to villainy, and to bring customers to your house, where you sell a joint of meat for xii. pence that cost you scarce six, and if any chance to go on the score you score him when he is a sleep, and set up a groat a day more than he hath, to find you drinking pots with your companions, to be short, thou art a knave, and I like not of any of the rest, the way lies before you, and therefore you may be gone for you shall be none of the quest. I smiled to see Clothbreeches so peremptory, when I saw five fat fellows all in damask coats and gowns welted with Velvet very brave, and in great consultation, as if they were to determine of some weighty matter, drawing near I saw they were wealthy citizens, so I went & reverently saluted them, and told them how we needed their aid about the appeasing of a controversy, showing them where the knight, esquire, and other stayed, till we might find men to fill up the jury, they were contented, but velvetbreeches excepted against four of them and said they were none of his friends, that was the merchant, goldsmith, mercer and draper, his allegations were these, that they were all feathered of one wing to fetch in young gentlemen by commodities under the colour of lending of money: for the merchant he delivered the iron, tin, lead, hops, sugars, spices, oils, brown paper or whatsoever else from six months to six months, which when the poor gentleman came to sell again, he could not make threescore and ten in the hundred beside the usury. The mercer he followeth the young upstart gentleman that hath no government of himself, and he feedeth his humour to go brave, he shall not want silks, satins, velvets, to prank● abroad in his pomp, but with this proviso, that he must bind over his land in a statute merchant or staple, and so at last forfeit all unto the merciless mercer, and leave himself never a foot of ground in England, which is the reason that for a few remnants of velvets and silks the Mercer creepeth into whole lordships. The Goldsmith is not behind, for most of them deal with Usury, and let young gentlemen have commodities of plate for ten in the hundred, but they must lose the fashion in selling it again (which cuts them sore) beside they are most of them skilled in alchemy and can temper metals shrewdly, with no little profit to themselves and disadvantage to the buyer, beside puff rings, and acquaint conceits which I omit. And so for you Draper, he fetcheth them off for livery cloth, and cloth for six months and six, and yet hath he more knacks in his budget, for he hath so dark a shop that no man can well choose a piece of cloth it so shadows the die and the thread, a man shall be deceived in the wool and the nap, they cause the Clothworker so to press them, beside he imposeth this charge to the Clothworker that he draw his cloth and pull it passing hard when he sets it upon the tenters, that he may have it full breadth and length, till thread and all tear and rend a pieces, what care they for that, have they not a drawer to serve their turn to draw and seam up the holes so cunningly that it shall never be espied? myself have seen in one broad cloth eighteen score holes torn racked and pulled by the Clothworker▪ only to please the draper and deceive the commonwealth. To be short, the Clothworker what with rowing and setting in a fine nap, with powdering it & pressing it, with shearing the wool to the proof of the thread, deal so cunningly that they prove themselves the drapers minister to execute his subtleties, therefore if he chance to come let him be remembered▪ Now sir for the vintner, he is an honest substantial man a friend to all good fellows▪ and truly my friend for my money, and worthy to be of the jury. Why no qd clothbreeches I am of another mind, for I hold him as deceitful as any of the rest, what the vintner, why he is a kind of Necromancer, for at midnight when all men are in bed then he forsooth falls to his charms and spells, so that he tumbles one hogshead into another, and can make a cup of claret that hath lost his colour look high with a dash of red wine at his pleasure, if he hath a strong Gascoigne wine, for fear it should make his guests to soon drunk, he can allay it with a small Rochel wine: he can cherish up white wine with sack, and perhaps if you bid him wash the pot clean when he goes to draw you a quart of wine he will leave a little water in the bottom, and then draw it up full of wine, and what and if he do? 'tis no harm wine and water is good against the heat of the liver. It were infinite to rehearse the juggling of Vintners, the disorder of their houses, especially of the persons that frequent them, and therefore sith velvet-breeches hath put by the merchant, goldsmith, mercer & draper, the vintner shall go with them for company. As these were going away in a snuff for being thus plainly taunted, we might see a mad merry crew come leping over the field as frolikly as if they ought not all the world two pence, and drawing nearer we might perceive that either bottle-ale or beer had made a fray with them, for the lifting of their feet showed the lightness of their heads, the foremost was a plain country sir john, or vicar that proclaimed by the redness of his nose he did oftener go into the alehouse than the pulpit, & him I asked what they were and whether they were going: what are you qd the priest that stand by the high way to examine me and my friends, here's none in my company but are able to answer for themselves. I seeing they were all set on a merry pin, told him the cause & how the controversy grew betwixt Clothbréeches & velvetbreeches & that we needed them to be of the quest. Marry (qd sir john) a good motion, know the sealare my parishioners, and we have been drinking with a poor man and spending our money with him, a neighbour of ours that hath lost a cow, now for our names & our trades, this is a smith, the second a weaver, the third a miller, the fourth a cook, the fift a carpenter, the sixth a glover, the seven. a pedlar the eight a tinkar, the ix. a waterbearer, the tenth a husbandman, the xi. a dyer, and the xii. a sailor, and I their vicar: how could you sir have a fit jury than me and my parishioners? you are a little too brief, qd clothbreeches, are you not some puritan M. parson, or some fellow that raiseth up new schisms and heresies amongst your people? A plague on them all qd sir john. for the world was never in quiet, devotion, neighbourhood nor hospitality never flourished in this land since such upstart boys and shuttle witted fools became of the ministery, such I mean as Greenwood Martin, Barrow, Wigginton, and such rakehells, I cannot tell they preach faith, faith, and say that doing of alms is papistry, but they have taught so long Fides solam justificat, that they have preached good works quite out of our parish, a poor man shall as soon break his neck as his fast at a rich man's door: for my friend, I am in deed none of the best scholars yet I can read an homily every sunday and holiday, and I keep company with my neighbours, and go to the alehouse with them, and if they be fallen out, spend my money to make them friends, and on sundays sometime if good-fellowship call me away, I say both morning & evening prayer at once, and so let them have a whole afternoon to play in. This is my life, I spend with living with my parishioners, I seek to do all good, & I offer no man harm. Well (qd clothbreeches) I warrant thou art an honest vicar, and therefore stand by, thou shalt be one of the quest, and for you smith, I see no great fault in you, you earn your living with the sweat of your brows, & there can be no great knavery in you, only I would have you mend your life for drinking sith you are never at quiet unless the pot be still at your nose. But you Weaver, the Proverb puts you down for a crafty Knave, you can filch and steal almost as ill as the Tailor, your woof and warp is so cunningly drawn out that you plague the poor Country huswines for their yarn, and daubed on so much dregs that you make it seem both well wrought and to bear weight, when it is slenderly woven, and you have stolen a quarter of it from the poor wife. Away, be packing, for you shall be cashiered. What Miller, shake hands with your brother the Weaver for knavery: You can take toll twice, and have false hoppers to convey away the poor man's meal, Be gone, I love not your dusty looks, and for company goodmanne Cook go you with them, for you cousin the poor men and Country Termers with your filthy meat: you will buy of the worst and cheapest, when it is bad enough for dogs, and yet so powder it and parboil it, that you will sell it to some honest poor men, and that unreasonably to: If you leave any meat over night, you make a shift to heat it again the next day: Nay, if on the Thursday at night there be any left, you make pies of it on sunday mornings, and almost with your slovenly knavery poison the poor people. To be short, I brook you not, and therefore be walking. For the Carpenter, Glover, and Waterbearer, the Husbandman, Dier, and Sailor, sith you trades have but petty sleights, stand you with Mai. Vicar, you are like to help to give in the verdict: but for the peddler and the Tinker, they are two notable knaves, both of a hair, and both cozen Germans to the Devil. For the Tinker, why he is a drowsy, bawdy, drunken companion, that walks up and down with a trug after him, and in stopping one hole makes three: and if in convenient place he meets with one alone, perhaps risle him or her of all that ever they have. A base knave without fear of God or love to any one but to his whore and to himself. The peddler as bad or rather worse, walketh the Country with his docksey at the least, if he have not two his mortes dels, and Autem mortes, he passeth commonly through every pair of stocks, either for his drunkenness or his lechery. And beside it is reported you can lift or nip a bounge like a guire Cove, if you want pence, and that you carry your pack but for a colour to shadow your other villainies. Well howsoever, you are both knaves and so be jogging. Well quoth I, suppose the jury is almost full, I believe we want not above three or four persons: Look you where they come to make up the number, and they should be men of good disposition, for they seem to be all of the Country. Assoon as they came to us I met them, and told them the matter, and they were content. The one said he was a Grazier, the other a Farmer, the other shepherd to them both. What think you of these three quoth I? Marry saith Velvet breeches, two of them are honest men, but the other is a base knave: but 'tis no matter, shuffle him in amongst the rest. Nay by your leave qd Cloth breeches, I will shuffle out these two, for they are the very Cormorants of the Country, and devour the poor people with their monstruous exactions. And first I allege against the Grazier, that he forestalleth pastures and meadow grounds, for the feeding of his cattle, and wringeth leases of them out of poor men's hands, and in his buying of cattle he committeth great usury, for if it prove a wet year, than he maketh havoc and selleth dear: if it be a dry year, than he buyeth cheap, and yet having pasture keeps them till he may come to his own prize: he knoweth as well as the Butcher by the feed of a bullock how much Tallow he will yield, what his quarters will amount unto: what the Tanner will give for the Hide: Nay, what the sowse wives were able to make of the inwards: so that he sells it so dear to the Butcher, that he can scarce live of it: and therefore what subtlety the butcher useth, cometh from the Grazier, so that I exempt him from the quest as a bad member, and an ill friend to Cloth breeches. And for you mass. Farmer, you know how through you covetise Landelordeses raise their rents, for if a poor man have but a plough land, if you see his pastures bear good grass, and his earable ground good corn, and that he prospereth and goeth forward on it and provideth and maintaineth his wife and servants honestly, then Inuidus alterius rebus macressit opimis, vicinumque pecus grandius uber habet.  
Then strait envy pricks the farmer forward, and he bids the Landelord far more than the poor man pays yearly for it: so that if he be a Tenant at will, he puts him out to beg in the street: or when his lease comes out he overloades him in the fine, and thus bloudsucketh he the poor for his own private profit. Besides the base chuff if he sees a forward year and that corn is like to be plenty, than he murmureth against God, and sweareth and protesteth he shall be undone: respecting more the filling of his own coffers by a dearth, than the profit of his country by a general plenty. Besides sir may it please you, when new corn comes into the market, who brings in to relieve the state? Not your mastership, but the poor husbandman, that wants pence. For you keep it to the back end of the year, nay you have your Garners which have corn of two or three year old, upon hope still of a dear year, rather letting the Weasels eat it, than the poor should have it at any reasonable price. So that I conclude, you are a Cormorant of the common wealth, and a wretch that lives of the spoil of the needy, and so I leave you to jet with the Grazier. Marry for the shepherd, unless it be that he killeth a Lamb now and then, and says the Fox stole him, I know little craft in his budget, therefore let him be among the honest men of the jury.  
Well Cloth breeches quoth I, you are very peremptory in your challenges, what say you here comes 3. or 4. citizens, will any of these serve turn? I cannot tell qd he till I know their names and conditions. With that I stepped afore the company, and inquired what they were. The eldest of them being a grave Citizen, said he was a Grocer, the rest his good and honest neighbours, a Chandler, a Haberdasher, a Clothworker, and two strangers, one a Wallon the other a Dutchman. How like you of these quoth I to Velvet breeches? well enough quoth he, for I am little acquainted with them, yet I know they favour me, because I have on a sunday seen them all in their silks. I marry, quoth cloth breeches, but they never get that bravery with honesty, For the cloth worker his faults were laid open, Before when we had the Draper in question: and therefore let him be packing. For you Chandler, I like not of your tricks; you are to conversant with the kitchen stuff wives you after your week or snaft is stiffened, you dip it in filthy dross, and after give him a coat of good tallow, which makes the Candle's drop and waste away, to the great hindrance of the poor workman that watcheth in the night. Beside you pinch in your weights and have false measures, and many other knaveries that I omit, but this be sure you shall not meddle in my matter: neither the Haberdasher, For he trims up old felts and makes them very fair to the eye, and faceth and edgeth them neatly, and then he turns them away to such a simple man as I am: and so abuseth us with his cozenage. Beside you buy gumd taffeta, wherewith you line hats that will strait asunder as soon as it comes to the heat of a man's head. To be brief, I am not well skilled in your knaveries, but indeed you are to subtle for poor Cloth breeches, and therefore you shall be none of the jury. Marry the Grocer seems an honest man, and I am content to admit of him, only take this as a caveat by the way, that you buy of the Garbellers of spices, the refuse that they sift from the merchant, and that you mix again and sell it to your customers. Besides, in your beaten spices, as in pepper, you put in bay berries, and such dross, and so wring the poor, but these are slight causes and so I overpass them, and vouchsafe you to be of the quest.  
But I pray you what be those two honest men, qd the Grocer, The one a Dutchman and a shoemaker, the other a Frenchman and a Myllaner in saint martin's, and sells shirts, bands, bracelets, jewels, and such pretty toys for Gentlewomen: oh they be of velvet breeches acquaintance, upstarts as well as he, that have brought with them pride and abuses into England: and first to the Milliner. What toys deviseth he to feed the humour of the upstart Gentleman withal, and of fond Gentlewomen? such fans, such ouches, such brooches, such bracelets, such graundcies, such periwigs, such paintings, such ruffs and cufs, as hath almost made England as full of proud fopperies as tire and Sydon were. There is no Seamster can make a band or a shirt, so well as his wife: and why forsooth? because the filthy quean wear a craunce and is a Frenchwoman forsooth. Where as our English women of the Exchange, are both better workwomen, & will afford a better pennyworth. And so for the drunken Dutchman, this shoemaker, he and such as he is, abuseth the Common wealth, and the poor mechanical men and handicrafts men of London, for our new upstart fools of Velvet breeches fraternity, liketh nothing but that the outlandish Ass maketh. They like no shoe so well as the Dutchman maketh, when our English men pass them far. And so for Chandler's, and all other occupations, they are wronged by the Dutch and French. And therefore sith the Commons hates them, they cannot be my friends, and therefore let them be launching to Flushing, for they shall be no triers of my controversy. Well quoth I, now I suppose the jury is full, and we see no more coming, let us call them and see how many we have. So they appeared to their names, as followeth.  

The Names of the jury to be empaneled.  
1 Knight.  
2 Esquire.  
3 Gentleman.  
4 Priest.  
5 Printer.  
6 Grocer.  
7 Skinner.  
8 Dier.  
9 Pewterer.  
10 Sadler.  
11 joiner.  
12 Bricklaier.  
13 Cutler.  
14 Plasterer.  
15 Sailor.  
16 Ropemaker.  
17 Smith.  
18 Glover.  
19 Husbandman.  
20 Shepherd.  
21 Waterman.  
22 Waterbearer.  
23 Bellowsmender.   
What is it not possible quoth I, to have one more to make up the four and twenty? As I was thus speaking, I espied a far off, a certain kind of an overworn Gentleman attired in Velvet and satin, but it was somewhat dropped and greasy, and boots on his legs, whose soles waxed thin seemed to complain of their Master which treading thrift under his feet, had brought them unto that consumption, he walked not as other men in the Common beaten way, but came compassing Circum circa, as if we had been Devils, and he would draw a Circle about us, and at every third step he looked back, as if he were afraid of a Bailie or a sergeant.  
After him followed two pert Applesquires, The one had a Murrey Cloth gown on, faced down before with grey Coney, and laid thick on the sleeves with lace, which he quaintly bore up, to show his white Taffeta hose and black silk stockings, a huge ruff about his neck wrapped in his great head like a wicker Cage, a little hat with brims like the wings of a doublet, wherein he wore a jewel of glass, as broad as the Chancery seal: after him followed two boys in cloaks like butter flies, caring one of them his cutting sword of choler, the other his dancing rapier of delight. His Camerard that bore him company was a jolly light timbered jacke a Napes, in a suit of watchet Taffeta cut to the skin, with a cloak all to be daubed with coloured lace: both he and my gowned brother seemed by their pace as if they had some suits to monsieur boots. At length coming near, I might discern the first to be a Poet, the second a Player, the third a physician, alias the Usher of a Dancing school. Well met master Port qd I, and welcome you friends also, though not so particularly known. So it is, though none of you three be Common wealths men, yet upon urgent necessity we must be forced to employ you. We have a jury to be empaneled immediately, which one of you three must help to make up, even he which approves himself the honestest man. They are all honest men and goodfellows quoth Velvet breeches, therefore it is no great matter whether of them we choose.  
The Doctors doubt of that quoth Cloth breeches, for I am of a different opinion. This first whom by his careless slovenly gate at first sight I imagined to be a Poet, is a waist good and an unthrift, that he is borne to make the Taverns rich and himself a beggar, if he have forty pounds in his purse together, he puts it not to usury, neither buys land nor Merchandise with it, but a months commodity of wenches and Capons. Ten pound a supper, Why 'tis nothing, If his plough goes and his inkhorn be clear: Take one of them worthy twenty thousand pound and hang him. He is a king of his pleasure, and counts all other Boors and peasants, that though they have money at command yet know not like him how to Domanéere with it to any purpose as they should. But to speak plainly, I think him an honest man if he would but live within his compass, and generally no man's foe but his own. Therefore I hold him a man fit to be of my jury. Nay quoth velvet breeches, I have more mind to these two, for this Poet is a proud fellow, that because he hath a little wit in his budget will contemn and dislike us that are the Common sort of Gentlemen, and think we are beholding to him if he do but bestow a fair look on us. The player and the Usher of the dancing school are plain, honest, humble men, that for a penny or an old cast suit of apparel. Indeed quoth Cloth breeches you say troth, they are but too humble, for they be so lowly, that they be base minded, I mean not in their looks nor apparel, for so they be peacocks and painted asses, but in their course of life, for they care not how they get crowns, I mean how basely so they have them: and yet of the two I hold the Player to be the better Christian, although he is in his own imagination, too full of self liking and self love, and is unfit to be of the jury, though I hide and conceal his faults and fopperies, in that I have been merry at his sports, only this I must say, that such plain country fellows as myself they bring in as clowns and fools to laugh at in their play, whereas they get by us, and of our alms the proudest of them all doth live Well to be brief let him troth to the stage, for he shall be none of the jury. And for you master usher of the dancing school, you are a leader into all misrule, you instruct gentlemen to order their feet when you drive them to misorder their manners, you are a bad fellow that stand upon your tricks and capers▪ till you make young gentlemen caper without their lands, why sir to be flat with you, you live by your legs as a juggler by his hands, you are given over to the pumps & vanities of the world, and to be short you are a keeper of misrule and a lewd fellow, and you shall be none of the inquest. Why then qd I, you are both agreed that the Poet is he that must make up the xxiv? They answered both, he, and none but he. Then I calling them all together, bade them lay their hands on the book, and first I called the knight, and after the rest as they followed in order, than I gave them their charge thus. Worshipful sir, with the rest of the jury whom we have solicited of choice honest men, whose consciences will deal uprightly in this controversy, you and the rest of your company are here upon your oath & oaths to inquire whether Clothbréeches have done disseison unto velvetbreeches yea or no in or about London, in putting him out of frank tenement, wronging him of his right and imbollishing his credit, if you find that Clothbreeches hath done Velvet breeches wrong, then let him be set in his former estate and allow him reasonable damages. Upon this they laid their hands on the book and were sworn, and departed to scrutine of the matter by inquiry amongst themselves, not stirring out of our sight nor staying long, but strait returned, and the knight for them all as the for most, said thus So it is that we have with equity and conscience considered of this controversy between velvet-breeches and Clothbreeches, as touching the prerogative of them both, which are most worthy to be rightly resident and have seisin in frank tenement here in England, and we do find Clothbreeches is by many hundred years more ancient, ever since Brute and inhabitant in this Island, one that hath been in Diebús illis a companion to kings, an equal with the nobility, a friend to gentlemen and yeomen and a patron of the poor, a true subject, a good housekeper, and general as honest as he is ancient. Whereas Velvet breeches is an upstart come out of Italy, begot of Pride, nursed up by self-love, and brought into this country by his companion new-fangledness, that he is but of late time a raiser of rents, and an enemy in the commonwealth, and one that is not any way to be preferred in equity before Clothbreeches, therefore by general verdict we adjudge Clothbreeches to have done him no wrong, but that he hath lawfully claimed his title of frank tenement, and in that we appoint him for ever to be resident. At this verdict pronounced by the knight, all the standers by clapped their hands, and gave a mighty shout, whereat I started and awaked, for I was in a dream and in my bed, and so rose up, and writ in a merry vain what you have heard.  
FINIS.