A QVIP FOR AN upstart Courtier: Or, A acquaint dispute between Velvet breeches and Cloth-breecheses. Wherein is plainly set down the disorders in all Estates and Trades.  
LONDON Imprinted by john Wolf, and are to be sold at his shop at Paul's chain. 1592.   

To the Right Worshipful Thomas Burnabie Esquire Robert green wisheth hearts ease, and heavens bliss.  
SIr, after I had ended this Quip for an upstart Courtier, containing a acquaint dispute between Clothbreeches and Velvet breeches, wherein under a dream I shadowed the abuses that Pride had bred in England, how it had infected the Court with aspiring Envy, the City with griping covetousness, and the country with contempt and disdain. How since men placed their delights in proud looks and brave attire, Hospitality was left off, Neighbourhood was exciled, Conscience was scoffed at, and charity lay frozen in the streets: how upstart Gentlemen for the maintenance of that their fathers never looked after, raised rents, rack their tenants, and imposed great fines, I stood in a maze to whom I should dedicate my labours, knowing I should be bitten by many, sithence I had touched many, and therefore need some worthy Patron under whose wings I might shroud myself from goodman find fault. At last I called to mind your Worship, and thought you the fittest of all my friends, both for the duty that I own, and the worshipful qualities you are endued withal, as also for that all Northamton●…hire reports how you are a father of the poor, a supporter of ancient Hospitality, an enemy to Pride, and to be short, a maintainer of Cloth breeches (I mean of the old and worthy customs of the Gentility and yeomanry of England.) Induced by these reasons, I humbly present this pamphlet to your Worship, only craving you will accept it as courtiously as I present it dutifully, and then I have the end of my desire and foresting in hope of your favourable acceptance, I humbly take my leave.  
Your dutiful adopted son, Robert Greene..   

To the Gentlemen Readers health.  
GEntle Gentlemen, I hope Cloth breeches shall fin●… your gentle Censors of this homely Apo●…ogie of his ancient prerogatives sith though he speaks again●…t Velvet breeches which you were, yet he twits not the weed but the vice, not the apparel when 'tis worthily worn, but the unworthy person that wears it, who sprang of a Peasant will use any sinister means to climb to preferment, being then so proud as the fop forgets like the Ass that a mule was his father. For ancient Gentility and yeomanry, Cloth bre●…ches attempteth this quarrel, and hopes of their favour: for upstarts he is half careless, & the more, because he knows whatsoever some think privately, they will be no public carpers: lest by kicking where they are touched, they bewray their galled backs to the world, and by starting up to find fault, prove themselves vpstai●…s and fools. So then poor Clothbreeches sets down his rest on the courtesy of gentle gentlemen and bold Yeomen, that they will suffer him to take no wrong. But suppose the worst, that he should be frowned at, and that such occupations as he hath upon conscience discarded from the jury, should commence an action of unkindness against him, he'll prove it not to hold plea, because all the debate was but a dream. And so hoping all men will merrily take it, he stands solemnly leaning on his pike staff, till he hear what you conceive of him for being so peremptory. If well, he swears to crack his hose at the knees to quite your courtesy. If hardly, he hath vowed that whatsoever he dreams never to blab it again, and so he wisheth me humbly to bid you farewell.   

A quip for an upstart Courtier.  
IT was just at that time when the Cuckoulds quir rister began to bewray April Gentlemen, with his never changed notes, that I damped with a melan choly humour, went into the fields to cheer up my wits with the fresh air: where solitary seeking to solace myself I fell in a dream, and in that drowsy slumber, I wandered into a vale a●… tap●…stted with sweet and choice fl●…wers, there grew many simples whose virtues taught men to be 〈◊〉 & to think nature by her weeds warned men to be wary and by their secret properties to check wanton and sensual imperfections. Amongst the rest, there was the yellow daffadil, a flower fit for jealous Dotterels, who through the bew●…y of their honest wives grow suspicious, & so prove themselves in the end cuckold Neretikes, there buded out the checket●… (Paunsie) or partly coloured hearts ea●…e, an herb seldom ●…éene, either of such men as are wedded to threwes or of such women that have hasty husbands, yet there it grew, and as I stepped to gather it, it slipped from me like Tantalus fruit that fails their master. At last, wondering at this secret quality, I learned that none can wear it, be they kings, but such as desire no more than they are borne to, nor have their wishes above their fortun●…s. U●…pon a bank bordering by, grew women's weeds, fennel 〈◊〉 fo●… flatterers, fit generally for that Sex, sith while they are maidens, they wish wanton: while they are wives they will wilfully, while they are widows, they would willingly: and yet all the●…e proud desires, are but close dissemblings. near adjoining sprouted out the Courtier's comfort, Time: An herb that many stumble on and yet ovet slip, whose rank savour and thick leaves, have this peculiar property, to make a snail if she taste of the sap as swift as a swallow, yet toyn with this prei●…dice, that if she climb too hastily, she falls too suddenly. Me thought I saw divers young courtiers tread upon it with high dis●…aine, but as they passed away, an Adder lurking there bit them by the ●…éeles that they wept: and then I might perceive certain clowns in clouted shone gather it, & ease of it with greediness: which no sooner was sunk into their maws, but they were metamorphose●…, and loookt as prouidly●… though peasants, as if they had been borne to be princes companions.  
Amongst the rest of these changelings whom the taste of time ha●… thus altered, there was some that lifted their heads so high, as if they ha●… been bred to lock n●… lower than stars, they thought Noli altum sapere was rather the saying of a fool, than the censure of a Philosopher, and therefore stretched themselves on their tiptoes, as if they had been a kindred to the lord Liptoft, and began to disdain their equals, scorn their inferiors, and even their betters, forgetting now that time had taught them to say mass, how before they had played the Clarks part to say Amen to the priest. Tush, than they were not so little as Gentlemen, and their own conceit was the Herald to blazon their descente, from an old house, whose great grandfathers would have been glad of a new cottage to hide their heads in. Yet as the peacock wrapped in the pride of his beauteous feathers is known to be but a dunghill bird by his foul feet: so though the high looks and costly suits argue to the eyes of the world they were Cavaliers of great worship, yet the churlish illiberality of their minds, bewrayed their fathers were not above three pounds in the kings books at a subsidy, but as these upstart changelings went strutting like philopolim●…rchides the braggart in Plautus, they looked so proudly at the same, that they stumbled on a bed of Rue, that grew at the bottom of the bank where the Time was planted, which fall upon the dew of so bitter an herb, taught them that such proud peacocks as over hastily out run their fortunes at last to speedily, fall to repentance and yet some of them smiled & said Rue was called herb grace, which though they scorned in their youth, they might wear in their age, & it was never too late to say Miserere. As thus I sto●…d mus●…nge at this time borne broad, they vanished away like Cadmus' copesmates, that sprang by of viper's teeth, so that casting mine eye aside after them, I saw where a crew of all estates were gathering flowers, what kind they were of I knew not, but precious, I geste them in that they plucked them with greediness, so that I drew towards them to be partaker of their profits, coming nearer, I might see the weed they so wrangled for, was a little daper flower, like a ground hunnisuckle, called thrift, praised generally of all, but practised for distillation but of few amongst the crew that seemed covetous of this herb, there was a troup of old graiberds in velvet, satin, and worsted jackets, that stooped as nimbly to pluck it up by the roots, as if their wyatts had been supled in the oil of Miser's skins, they spared no labour & pains to get and gather, and what they got they gave to certain young boys and girls ●…hat stood behind them, with their skirts and laps ope●… to receive it: among whom some scattered it as fast as their fathers gathered it, wasting and spoiling it at their pleasure, which their fathers got with labour.  
I thought them to be some Harbalistes or some Apothecaries that had employed such pains to extract some rare quintessence out of this flower, but one standing by told me they were Cormorantes and vs●…rers, that gathered it to fill their ●…ofers with, & whereto (quoth I) is it precious? what is the virtue of it? marry (quoth he) to quali●…ie the heat of insatiable minds that like the serpent Dipsas never drinketh enough till they are so full they burst, why then said I the Diuel●… burst them all, and with that I fell into a great laughter, to see certain Italianate Cantes, humorous Cavaliers, youthful Gentlemen, and Inamorati gagliardi, that scornfully plucked of it, and wore it a while as if they were weary of it and at last le●…t it as to base a flower to put in their nosegays. Others that seemed Homini di grand issima by their looks and their walks gathered earn●…stly and did pocket it up, as if they meant to keep it carefully, but as they were caring it away, there met them a troop of nice wantoness, fair women that like to Lamiaes had f●…ces like Angels, ●…ies like s●…ars, breasts like the golden front in the Hesperideses, but from the middle downwards their shapes like serpents. These with Syrenlike allurement so enticed these acquaint squires, that they bestowed all their flowers upon them for favours, they themselves walking home by beggar's bush for a penance. Amongst this crew were Lawyers and they gathered the Devil and all, but poor poets wer●… thrust back and 〈◊〉 not be suffered to have one handful to put amongst their withered garlands of bay, to make them glorious. But Hob and john of the country they stepped in churlishly, in their high startups, and gathered whole sackfuls: ●…somuch they wore bóesoms of Thirst in their Hat●… like for ●…horses, or the lusty Gallants in a Morris dance: seeing the crew thus to wrangle for so paltry a weed, I went alone to take one of all the other fragrante flowers that diapered this valley, thereby I saw the Bachelors ●…uttons, whose virtue is to make wanton maidens weep when they have worn it forty weeks under their apron for a ●…auour;  
Next them grew the dissembling daisse, to warn such light of lou●… wenches not to trust every ●…aire promise that 〈◊〉 amorous bachelors make them, but sweet smells breed bitter repentance. Hard by grew the true lovers primrose, whose kind savour wisheth men to b●… faithful and women courteous. Alongst in a border grew maidenhair fit for modest maidens to behold, and immedest to blush at, because it praiseth the one for their natural Tre●…ses, and condemneth the other for their beas●…ly and counterfeit Periwigs, there was the gentle gilliflowre that wives should wear if they were not too froward; and laiall Lavender, but that was full of Cuckoo. spits, to ●…how that women's light thoughts make their husband's heavy beads: there were sweet Lilies Gods plenty, which showed fair 〈◊〉 need not weep for wooers, and store of balm which could cure 〈◊〉 wounds, only not that wound which women receive when they lose their maidenheads, for no herb hath virtue enough to scrape out that blot, and therefore it is the greater 〈◊〉 Infinite were the flowers beside that beautified the valley, that to know their names and opera ●…ons I needed some curious herbal, but I pass them over as needless, sith the vision of their virtues was but a dream, and therefore I wish no man to hold any discourse herein authentical, yet thus much I must say for a parting blow, that at the lower end of the dale I saw a great many of women using high words to their husbands, some striving for the bré●…ches, other to have the last 〈◊〉, some sretting, they could not find a knot in a rush, others striving whether it were wool or hair the Goat bore: questioning with on that I met, why these women were so choleric, he like a 〈◊〉 fellow pointed to a bush of 〈◊〉, I not willing to be satisfied by signs, asked him what he meant thereby. Marry (quoth he) all these women that your hear brawling frowning and scolding thus, have severally p●…st on this bush of nettles, and the virtue of them is to force a woman that waters them to be as peevish for a whole day & as waspish as if she had been stung in the brow with a hornet. Well, I smiled at this and left the company to seek further, when in the twinkling of an eye I was left alone, the valley cleared of all company, & I a distressed man, 〈◊〉 to wander out of that solitary place to seek good 〈◊〉 & been companions to pass away the day withal. As thus. I walked forward, seeking up the hill, I was driven half into a maze with the imagination of a strange wonder which fell out thus: Me thought I saw an 〈◊〉 headless thing●…●…ome pacing 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 the hill stepping so proudly with such a geometrical grace, as if seem artificial braggart had resolved to measure the world with his pares: I could not descry it to be a man, although it had motion, for that it wanted a body, yet seeing legs and hose, I supposed it to be some monster nurishte up in those deserts, at last as it drew more nigh unto nigh, I might perceive that it was a very passing costly pair of Ueluct breeches, whose panes being made of the chéesest Neapolitan stuff, was drawn out with the best Spanish fatine, and marvelous curiously over wiped with gold twist, intersemed wit●… knots of pearl, the Netherstocke was of the pure●…t Gravade ●…ilck, no cost was spared to ●…est out these costly breeches, who had girt unto them a Kapyer and Dagger gilded, point 〈◊〉, as quaintly as if some curious Florentine bade trickte them up to square it up and down the streets before his Mistress. As these breeches were exceeding 〈◊〉 to the e●…e, so were they passing pompo●…s in their ge●…tures, 〈◊〉 they strouted up and down the Ually as 〈◊〉 a●…though they ●…ad there appointed to act some desperate combat.  
Blame me not if I were driven into a muse with this most monstrous sight to see in that place such a strange headless Courtier ●…ettinge up and d●…wne like the Usher of a Fence 〈◊〉 about to play his Prize, when I deem never in any age such a wonderful object fortuned unto an●… man before. Well, the greater dump this Novelty drove me into, the more desire I had to see what event would follow: where upon looking about to see if that any more company ●…ould come, I might perceive from the top of the other hill an other pair of Breeches more soberly marching, and with a softer pace, as if they were not too hasty, and yet would keep promise nevertheless at the place appointed. As soon as they were come into the valley, I saw they were a plain pair of Cloth breeches, without either welt or guard, strait to the thigh of white kersey, without a slop, the netherstocke of the same, sewed too above the knee, and only seamed with a little country blewe, such as in Di●…bus illis our great Grandfathers more, when neighbour hood and hospitality had banished Pride out of England. Nor were these plain breeches weaponless, for they had a good sour bat with a pike in the end, able to lay on load enough, if the heart were answerable to the weapon, and upon this staff pitched down upon the ground, Clothbréeches stood solemnly leaning, as if they meant not to start, but to answer to the uttermost whatsoever in that place might be objected. Looking upon these two, I might 〈◊〉 by the pride of the one, and homely resolution of the other that this their meeting would grow to some dangerous conflict, and therefore to prevent the fatal issue of such a pretended quarrel, I stepped between them both, when Velvet breeches gréeted Cloth breeches with this salutation. Proud and insolent peasant, how darest thou without leave or low reverence press into the place whether I am come for to disport myself? Art thou not afraid? thy high presumption should summon me to displeasure, and so force me draw my rapier, which is never unsheathed but it turns into the scabbard with a triumph of mine enemies blood: bold bayard avaunt, beard me not to my face, for this time I pardon thy folly, and grant thy legs leave to carry away thy life. Cloth breeches nothing amazed at this bravado, bending his staff as if he meant (if he were wronged) to bestow his benison, with a scornful kind of smiling made this smooth reply: Marry gip goodman upstart, who made your father a Gentleman, soft fire makes sweet malt, the cursedest Cow hath the shortest horns, and a brawling cur, of all bites the least, alas good sir, are you so fine that no man may be your fellow, I pray you what defference is between you and me but in the cost and the making, though you be never so richly daubde with gold and powdered with Pearl, yet you are but a case for the butfockes, and a cover for the basest part of a man's body no more than I, the greatest pre-eminence is in the garnishing and thereof you are proud, but come to the true use we were appointed to, my honour is more than thine, for I belong to the old ancient yeomanry, yea and gentility, the fathers, and thou to a company of proud and unmannerly upstarts the sons. At this, velvetbreeches stormed and said. Why thou beggar's brat descended from the reversion of base poverty, is thy insolency so great to make comparison with me, whose difference is as great as the brightness of the sun and the slender light of a candle: I (poor snake) am sprung from the ancient Romans, borne in Italy the mistress of the world for chivalry, called into England from my native home (where I was famous) to honour your country and young gentlemen here in England with my countenance, where I am holden in high regard, that I can press into the presence when thou poor soul shalt with cap and knee beg leave of the porter to enter, and I sit and dine with the Nobility, when thou art feign to wait for the reuers●…on of the alms basket: I am admitted boldly to tell my tale, when thou art fain to sue by means of supplication, and that and thou to, so little regarded, that most commonly it never comes to the Prince's hand, but dies inprisoned in so●… obscure pocket: Sith then there is such defference between our estates, cease to urge my patience with thy insolent presumption. Cloth breeches as brief as he was proud, swore by the pike of his staff, that his choplogicke was not worth a pin, and that he would turn his one weapon into his bosom thus, Why signior Glorioso (quoth he) though I have not such glozing phrase to trick out my speeches withal as you, yet I will come over your fallows with this bad the. thoricke: I pray you monsieur malapert are you therefore my superior, because you are taken up with Gentlemen, and I with the yeomanry? Doth true virtue consist in riches, or humanity in wealth? is ancient honour tied to ontward bravery? or not rather true Nobility, a mind excellently qualified with rare virtues? I will teach thee a lesson worth the hearing, proud princocks, how Gentility ●…rst sprung upe, I will not forget the old wives logic, when Adam delud and Eve span, who was then a Gentleman? but I tell thee after the general flood that there was no more men upon the earth but Noah and his three sons, and that Cham had wickedly discouere●… his father's secrets then grew the division of estates thus: The church was figured in Sem, Gentilitye in japheth, and labour and drudgery in Cham: Sem being chaste and holy, japheth learned and valiant, I'm churlish and servile, yet did not the turse extend so far upon Cham, nor the blessing upon japheth, but if the one altered his nature, & became either endued with learning or valour he might be a gentleman, or if the other degenerated from his ancient virtues, he might be healed a peasant, whereupon Noah inferred that gentility grew not only by propagation of nature, but by perfection of qualities Then is your worship wide that boast of your worth for your gold & pearl, sith Cucullus non facit Monachum, nor a Velvet ●…lop make a sloven a gentleman: And whereas thou sayest thou wert borne in Italy, & called hither by our courtiers, him may we curse that brought thee first into England, for thou camest not alone but accompanied with a multitude of abominable vices, hanging to thy bombast nothing but infectious abuses, as vainglory, self-love, ●…mie, and strange poison, wherewith thou hast infected this glorious Island, yea insolent braggart: thou hast defiled thine one nest, and fatal was the day of thy birth, for since the time of thy hatching in Italy, as 〈◊〉 famous for chinalrey and learning, the imperial state through thy pride hath decayed, and thou hast like the yo●…nge Pelican pecked at thy mother's breast with thy presumption, causing them to lose that their forefathers with true honour conquered, so hast thou been the ruin of the Roman Empire, and now fatally art thou come into England to atempte haete the like subversion. Whereas thou dost boast that I am little regarded where thou art highly accounted of, and hast sufferance to press into the presence, when I am for my simpleness shut out of door, I grant thy all●…gation in part, but not in wholè, for men of high wisdom and honour measure not men by the outward show of bravery, but by the inward worth and honesty, and so though I am disdained of a few over weening fools, I am valued as well as thyself with the wise. In that thou sayest thou canst speak when I sue by supplication, I grant it, but the tale thou tellest is to the ruin of the poor, for coming into high favour with an in pudent face, what farm is there expired, whose lease thou doo●… not beg? what forfeit of penal statutes? what consealed lands can overslip thee? yea rather than thy bravery should fail beg polling pence for the very smoke that comes out of poor men's chemnies, shamest thou not vplan●…ish upstart to hear me discourse thy imperse●…ions, get thee home again into thy own country, and let me as I was wont live famous in my native home in England where I was borne and bred, yea and bearded Caesar thy co●…ntryman till he compassed the conquest by treason. The right and title in this country base brat (qd velvet breeches) now authority favours me, I am admitted viceroy, & I will make thee do me homage, & confess that thou heldst thy being and residence in my land from the gracious savour of my sufferance, and with that he laid hold on the hilts of his rapier, and cloth breeches bet●…ke him to his staff, when I stepping betwixt them parted them thus. Why what mean ye, will you decide your controversy by blows, when you may debate it by reason, this is a land of peace, governed by true justiciaries & honourable magistrates, where you shall have equity without partiality, and therefore listen to me & discuss the matter by law, your quarrel is, whether of you are most ancient and most worthy, you sir, boast of your country and parentage, he of his natiu●… birth in England, you claim all, he would have but his own, both plead anobsolute title of residence in this country, the●… must the course between you be trespass or disseison of frank tenament, you Velvet breeches in that you claim the fir●… title you shall be plaintiff, and plead a trespass of desseison done you by cloth breeches, so shall it be brought to a jury, and tried by a verdict of twelve or four and twenty. Tush, tush, quoth Velvet breeches, I neither like to be plaintiff, nor yet allow of a jury, for they may be partial, and so condemn me in mine ●…wne action, for the country swains cannot value of my worth nor can mine honours come within the compass of their base wits, because I am a stranger in this land, ●… but here lately arrived, they will hold me as an upstart, & so lightly esteem of my worthiness, and for my adversary is their countryman & less chargeable, he shall have the law mitigated, if a jury of hinds or peasants should be inpanelled, if ancient Gentlemen, yeomen, or plain ministers should be of the quest I were sure to lose the day because they loathe me, in that I have persuaded so many landlords for the maintenance of my bravery to raise their rents. You seek a knot in a rush (qd. I) you need not doubt of that, for whom you distrust & think not indifferent, him you upon a cause manifested, challenge from your jury, If your law allow such large favour (quoth Velvet breeches) I am content my title be tried by a jury, and therefore let mine adversary plead me Nul tort Nul disseison Cloth breeches was content with this, and so they both agr●… I should be iud●…e and juror in this controversy, whereupon I wish them to say for themselves what they could, that I might discourse to the Jury what reasons they alleged of their Tutes: then Velvet breeches began thus. I cannot but grieve that I should be thus outfacst with a carters weed only fit for husbandry, seeing I am the original of all honourable endeavours: to what end doth youth bestow their wits on law, physic, or Theology, were it not the end they aim at, is the wearing of me and winning of preferment, Honour nourisheth Art, and for the regard of dignity, do learned men strive to exceed in their faculty. Impiger extremos currit Mercator ad indos, Per mare, per saxa, etc. What drives the merchants to seek forr●…n martes, to venture their goods and hazard their lives? not, if still the end of their travel were a pair of cloth breeches, no, velvet, costly attire, curious and acquaint apparel is the spur that pricks them forward to attempt such danger. Doth not the Soldiers fight to be brave, the Lawyer study to countenance himself with cost, the artificer takes pains only for my sake that wearing me he may brag it amongst the best, what credit carries he now adays that goes pinned up in a Cloth breech, who will keep him company that thinks well of himself, unless he use the simple slave to make clean his shone, the worlds are changed and men are grown to more wit, and their minds to aspire after more honourable thoughts, they were Dunces in Diebus illis, they had not the true use of gentility, and therefore they lived meanly and died obscurely, but now men's capacities are refined, time hath set a new edge on gentlemen's humours, and they show them as they should be, not like gluttons as their fathers did, in chines of beef and alms to the poor, but in velvets, satins, cloth of gold, pearl, yea pearl lace, which scarce Caligula wore on his birth day, and to this honourable humour have I brought these gentlemen since I came from Italy. what is the end of service to a man but to countenance himself and credit his master with brave suits, the scurvy tapsters and ostlers' sex populi fill pots, and rub horseheeles, to prank themselves with my glory, alas were it not to wear me, why would so many apply themselves to extraordinary idleness? Beside, I make fools be reverenst, and thought wise amongst the common sort, I am a severe sensor to such as offend the law, provided there be a penalty annexed that may bring in some profit, yea by me the chiefest part of the realm is governed, and therefore I refer my title to the verdict of any men of judgement. To this mildly Cloth breeches answered thus.  
As I have had always that honest humour in me to measure all estates by their virtues, not by their apparel, so did I never grudge at the bravery of any whom birth, time, place, or dignity made worthy of such costly ornaments, but if by the favour of their Prince and their own deserts they merited them, I held both lawful and commendable to answer their degrees in apparel, correspondent unto their dignities, I am not so precise directly to inveigh against the use of velvet, either in breeches or in other suits, nor will I have men goelike john Baptist, in coats of Camel's hair. Let Princes have their Diadems, and Caesar what is due to Caesar, let Noblemen go as their birth requires, and Gentlemen as they are borne or bear office, I speak in mine own defence, for the ancient Gentilitye and yeomanry of England, and inveigh against none, but such malapert upstart as raised up from the Plough, or advanced for their Italian devices, or for their witless wealth, covet in bravery to match, nay to exceed the greatest Noblemen in this land.  
But leaving this digression monster velvet breeches, again to the particulars of your fond allegation. Whereas you affirm yourself to be both original and final end of learning, alas proud princox you perch a bow to high, did all the philosophers beat their brains, and busy their wits to wear velvet breeches? Why both at that time thou wert unknown, yea unborn, and all excess in apparel had in high contempt, and now in these days all men of worth, are taught by reading, that excess is a great sin: that pride is the first step to the downfall of shame. They study with Tully, that they may seem●… borne for their countries as well as for themselves. The Divine to justice, the Physician to discover the secrets of Gods wonders, by working strange cures: to be brief, the end of all being, as to know God, And not as your worship good master velvet breeches wrest●… to creep into acquaintance.  
I will not deny, but there be as fantastical fools as yourself, that perhaps are puffed up with such presuming thoughts, and ambitiously aim to trick themselves in your worship's masking suits, but while such climb for great honours, they often fall to great shames. It may be thereupon you bring in Honos alit Artes, but I guess your mastership never tried what true honour meant, that truss it upe within the compass of a pair of veluet●… breeches, and place it in the arrogancy of the heart, no, no: say honour is idolatry, for they make ●…ooles of themselves, and idols of their carcases: but he that valueth honour so, shall read a lecture out of Apuleius golden ass, to learn him more wit. But now sir by your leave, a blow with your next argument which is, that merchants hazard their goods and lives to be acquainted with your mastership. Indeed you are awry for wise men frequent marts for profit not for pride, unless it be some, that by wearing of velvet breeches and apparel too high for their calling, have proved bankeroutes in their youth, and have been glad in their age to desire my acquaintance, and to truss up their tails in homespun russet: whereas thou dost object the valour of hardy soldiers to grow for the desire of brave apparel. 'tis false, and I know if any were present, they would prove upon thy bones that thou wert a liar: for their countries good, their prince's service, the defence of their friends the hope of favour is the final end of their resolutions: esteeming not only them but the world's glory, fickle, transitory, & inconstant. Shall I fetch from thine own country, weapons to wound thyself withal. What sayst thou to Cincinnatus, was he not called to be Dictator from the Plough, and after many victories, what did he jet up and down the court incosty garments and velvet breeches? No, he despised dignity, contemned vain glory and pride, and returned again to his quiet contented life in the country. How much did Caius Fabritius value their Numa pompilius, Scevola, Scipio, Epaminondas, Aristides, they held themselves worms meat, and counted pride vanity, and yet thou art not ashamed to say, thou art the end of soldiers worthy honour. I tell thee saucy skipjack, it was a good and a blessed time here in England, when K. Stephen wore a pair of cloth breeches of a Noble a pair, and thought them passing costly, then did he count Westminster hall to little to be his dining chamber & his alms was not bare bones, in stead of broken meat but lusty chines of beef fell into the poor men's basket. Then charity flourished in the Court, and young Courtiers str●…ue to exceed one an other in virtue, not in bravery: they road not with fans to ward their faces from the wind, but with Burgant to resist the stroke of a Battleaxe, they could then better exhort a soldier to armour then court a lady with amorits, they caused the trumpette to sound them points of war, not Poets to write them wanton Eligies of love: they sought after honourable fame, but hunted not after fading honour: which distinction by the way take thus. There be some that seek honour, and some are sought after by honour. Such upstarts as fetch their pedigrée from their father's ancient leather apron, and creep into the court with great humility, ready at the first Basciare li piedi di la vostra signoria having gotten the countenance of some Nobleman, will straight be a kindred to Cadwaller, and swear his great grand mother was one of the Burgesses of the parliament house, will at last steal by degrees into some credit by their double diligence, and then wind some worshipful place as far as a hungry sow can smell a sir reverence, and then with all their friends seek day and night with coin and countenance till they have got it. Others there be whom honour itself seeks, and such be they whom virtue doth frame fit for that purpose, that rising by high deserts, as learning, or valour, merit more then either they look for, or their prince hath any ease conveniently to bestow on them. Such honour seeks & they with a blushing conscience entertain him, be they never so high in favour, yet they beg no office, as the shameless vp●…art doth, that hath a hungry eye to spy out, an impudent face to sue, and a flattering tongue to entreat for some void place of worship, which little belonged to them, if the prince intended to bestow offices for ver tue not favour, Other M. velvet breeches there be of your crew, that pinch their bellies to polish their backs, that keep their maws empty, to fill their purses that have no show of gentility but a Velvet slop, who by poling or selling of land that their father's left will be●…owe all to buy an office about the court that they may be worshipful, extorting from the poor, to raise up their money that the base deceiving companions have laid out to have an office of some countenance and credit; wherein they may have of me better than themselves, be tear●…ed by the name of worship. The last whom virtue pleadeth for, and neither silver, gold, friends, nor favour advanceth, be men of great worth, such as are thought of worship, and un willingly entertain her, rather vouchsa●…ng proffered honour for their countries cause, then for any proud opinion of hoped for preferment.  
Blessed are such lan●…es, whose officers are so placed, and where the Prince promoteth not for coin nor countenance, but for his worthy deserving veitues. But leaving this by talk, me thought I heard you say signor Velvet br●…ches, that you were the father of mechanical Arts, and handicrafts were found out to fester your bravery. In faith goodman gosecape, you that are come from the startups, & therefore is called an upstart, quasi start up from clouted shone, your lips hung in your light, when you brought forth this Logic: for I hope there is none so simple, but knows that handicrafts and occupations grew for necessity, not pride: that men's inventions waxed sharp to profit the common wealth, not to prank up themselves in bravery, I pray you when Tubalcane invented tempering of metals had be Velvet breeches to wear? In sadness, where was your worship when his brother found out the accords and discords of musiicke hiden in hell, and not yet thought on by the Devil, to cast forth as a bait to bring many proud fools to ruin●…?  
Indeed I cannot deny, but your worship hath brought in deceit as a journey man into all companies, & made that a subtle craft, which while I was holden in esteem was but a simple mystery: now every trade hath his sleights, to slubber up his work to the eye, and to make it good to the sale, howsoever it proones in the wearing, The shoemaker cares not if his shoes hold the bra●…ing on: the tailor sows with hot needle and burnt thread. 〈◊〉 pride hath banished conscience, and Velvet breeches honesty, and every servile drudge must ruffle in his silks, or else he is not suitable.  
The world was not so A principio, for when velvet was worn but in kings caps, than conscience was not a broom man in Bend street but a Cour●…ier, than the farmer was content ●…is son should hold the plough, and live as he had done before: Beggars than feared to aspire, and the higher sorts scorned to enu●…e. Now every lout must have his son a Courtnoll, and those dunghill drudges wax so proud, that they will presume to wear on their feet, what kings have worn on their heads. A clowns son must be clapped in a Velvet pantofle, and a velvet breech, though that presumptuous a●…se be drowned in the Mercer's beoke, & make a convey of all his lands to the usurer for commodities: yea the fop must go like a gallant for a while, although at last in his age he●… beg. But indeed, such young youths when the broker hath blest them with saint Needams' cross, fall then to privy lifts and cosen●…ages, and when their credit is utterly cracked, they practise some bad shift, and so come to a shameful end  
Lastly, whereas thou sayst thou art a severe sensour to punish sins, as austere as Cato to correct vice, of truth I hold thee so in penal statutes when thou hast begged the forfeit of the Prince: but such correction is open extortion and oppression of the poor, nor can I compare it better M velvet breech, then to the wolf cha●…ising the lamb for disturbing their fountain, or the Devil casting out devils, through the power of Belsebab, and thus much courteous sir I have said, to display the follies of mine adversary, and to she we the right of mine own interest. Why then quoth I, if you have both said, it resteth but that we had some to empanel upon a ●…ury, and then no doubt but the verdict would soon be given on one side. As thus I was talking to them, I might see coming down the bill a bran dapper Dick, quaintly attired in velvet and Satin, and a cloak of cloth rash, with a cambric ruff as smoothly ●…et, and he as ne●…ly sponged, as if he had b●…n a bridegroom, only I guessed by his pace a far off he should be a Tailor, his head was holden up so pert, and his legs shackle hamd, as if his knees had been laced to his thighs with points. Coming more near indeed I 〈◊〉 a ●…ailors m●…rice pike on his breast, a spanish needle, and then I 〈◊〉 my salutations, not to his suits but to his trade, and encountered him by a thread bare courtesy, as if I had not known him, and asked him of what accupation he was? A Tailor, quoth he, marry then my friend, quoth I, you are the more welcome, for beer is a great quarrel grown betwixt velvet breeches and cloth breeches, for their prerogative in England: the matter is grown to an issue, there must a jury be empannelied, and I would desire and entreat you to be one of the quest.  
Not so, quoth cloth breeches I challenge him. And why quoth I? What reason have you, doth he not make them both? yes, quoth he, but his gains is not a like: alas, by me he getteth small, only he is paid for his workmanship, unless by misfortune his shires slip aw●…y, and then his veils is but a shred of homespunne cloth: where as in making of velvet breeches, where there is required silk lace, cloth of gold, of silver, and such costly stuff, to welte, guard, whippstitch, edge, face, and draw out, that the vales of one velvet breach, is more than twenty pair of mine. I hope there is no Tailor so precise but he can play the cook and lick his own fingers: though he look up to Heaven, yet he can cast large shreds of such rich stuff into hell under his shop board. Besides, he sets down like the clerk of the Check a large bill of reckonings, which for he keeps long in his pocket he so powders for stinking, that the young upstart that needs it, feels it salt in his stomach a month after. Beside sir velvet breeches hath aduan●…t him: for whereas in my time he was counted but goodman Taylor, now he is grown since velvet breeches came in, to be called a merchant or Gentleman Merchant Taylor, giving arms and the holy Lamb in his crest, where before he had no other cognisance, but a plain spanish needle with a welsch cricket on the top: ●…ith than his gain is so great and his honour so advanced by velvet breeches. I will not trust his conscience, nor shall he come upon my jury.  
Indeed you have some reason quoth I, but perhaps the Tailor doth this upon mere devotion to punish pride, and having no other authority nor mean, thinks it best to pinch them by the purse, and make them pay well, as to ask twice so much silk lace and other stuff as would suffice, and yet to over reach my young ma●…ster with a bill of reckoning that will make him scratch where it itcheth not. Herein I hold the Tailor for a necessary member to teach yoonge novices the way to weeping cross: that when they have wasted what their 〈◊〉 left them by pride, they may grow sparing & humble, by inferred poverty: & by this reason, the Tailor plays God's part: ●…e ●…ralteth the poor and pulleth down the proud: For of a wealthy esquires son, he makes a thréedbare beggar: and of a scornful Tailor, he sets by an upstart scaruy Gentleman. Yet seeing you have made a reasonable challenge to him, the Tailor shall be none of the quest.  
As I bade him stand by, there was coming alongst the valley towards us, square set fellow well fed and as briskly appareled, in a black taffeta doublet and a spruce leather jerkin, with Crystal buttons: A cloak faced afore with velvet, and a coventry cap of the ●…nest wool, his face something Ru●…y blush, Cherry cheeked, like a shreed of scarlet or a little darker, like the lees of old claret wine: a nose autem nose purpled preciously with pearl and stone, like a counterfeit work, and between the filthy reumicast of his bludshot ten snout, there appeared small holes, whereat worms heads peeped as if they meant by their appearance to preach and show the antientie and antiquity of his house.  
This fiery faced churl had upon his fingers as many goldring, as would furnish a gold smith's shop or beseem a pander of long profession to wear, wondering what companion this should be. I inquired of what occupation he was: marry sir quoth he a Broker, why do you ask, have you any pawns at my house? No quoth I, nor by the help of God never will have: but the reason is to have you upon a jury. At this word before I could enter my discourse unto him velvet breeches start up, and swore he should be none of the quest, he would challenge him, and why quoth I, what know you by him? This base churl is one of the moths of the common wealth, he is the spoil of young Gentlemen a blood sucker of the poor, as thirsty as a horse leech that will never leave drinking while he burst, a knave that hath interest in the leases of forty bawdy houses a receiver for lists, and a dishonourable supportet of cutpurses, to conclude, he was gotten by an Incubus a he Devil, & brought forth by an overworn refuse, that had spent her youth under the ruins of Bowbies' Barn.  
O monstrous invective, quoth I, what reason have you to be thus bitter against him? Oh the villain, quoth he, is the devils factor, sent from hell to torment young Gentlemen upon earth: he hath fetched me over in his time, only in pawns, in ten thousand pound in gold. Suppose as Gentlemen through their liberal minds may want that I need, money: let me come to him with a pawn worth ten pound, he still not lend upon it above three pound, and he will have a bill of sale and twelve pence in the pound for every month, so that it comes to ●…ixteene pence, sith the bill must monthly be renewed, and if you break but your day, set down in the bill of sale, your pawn is lost, as full bought and sold, you turned out of your goods and he an vnconscio●…able gainer. Suppose the best, you keep your day, yet paying sixteen pennies a month for twenty shillings, you pay as good for the lone as four score in the hundred, is not this monstrous exacting upon Gentlemen. Beside the knave will be diligently attending and waiting at dicing houses where we be at play, and there he is ready to lend the loaser money upon rings, and chains, apparel or any other good pawn, but the poor Gentleman pays so dear, for the lavender it is laid up in, that if it lie long at a broker's house he seems to buy ●…is apparel twice: nay this worm eaten wretch hath deeper pytfalls yet to entrap youth in, for he being acquainted with a young Gentleman of 〈◊〉 ●…uing, in issue of good parents or assured possibility, soothes him in his monstrous expenses & says he carries the mind of a Gentleman, promising if he want he shall not lack for a hundred pound or two, if the Gentleman need, then hath my broker an usurer at hand as it as himself, and he brings the money, but they tie the poor soul in such darby's bands, what with receiving ill commodities and forfcitures upon the band, that they dub him sir john had land before they leave him, and ●…are like wolves the poor novices wealth betwi●…t them as a pray, he is (sir) to be breefs a bowsie bawdy miser, good for none but himself and his trugge, a carl that hath a filthy carcase without a conscience, a body of a man wherein an infernal spirit in steed of a soul doth inhabit, the scum of the seven deadly sins, an enemy to all good minds, a devourer of young Gentlemen, and to conclude my mortal enimis and therefore admit of my challenge, and let him be none of the jury. Truly (qd. Cloth breeches) and I am willing he should be discarded too, for were not bad brokers (I will not condemn all) there would be less filching and fewer thieves, for they receive all is brought them, and buy that for a Crown that is worth twenty shillings, desire of gain blinds their conscience, and they care not how it be come by, so they buy it cheaps. Beside they extort upon the poor that are enforced through extreme want to pawn their clothes and household stuffs, their pewter and brass, and if the poor souls that labour hard ●…isse but a day, the base minded broker takes the forfeit without remorse or pity, it was not so in Diebus illis, but thou proud upstart velvetbreeches hast learned all Englishmen their villainy, and all to maintain thy bravery: yea, I have known of late when a poor woman laid a silver thimble that was sent her from her friends for a token to pawn for six pence, & the broker made her pay a halfpenny a week for it, which comes to two shillings a year, for six pence: sith than his conscience is so bad, let him be shuffled out amongst the knaves for a discarding card, Content qd. I, and bad the broker stand back, when there were even at my heels three in a cluster p●…rt youths all, and neatly tired, I questioned them what they were, and the one said he was a barber, the other a surgeon, and the third an Apoticary. How like you of these (qd, I) shall they be of your jury? Of the jury, quoth Clothbréeches, never a one by my consent, for I challenge them all: your reason qd. I, and then you shall have my verdict. Marry (qd Cloth breeches) first to the barber he cannot be but a partial man on velvet breeches side, sith he gets more by one time dressing of him, than by ten times dressing of me, I come plain to be polled, and to have my beard cut, and pay him two pence, velvet breeches he sits down in the chair wrapped in fine clothes, as though the barber were about to make him a foot-cloth for the vicar of saint fools, them gins he to take his scissors in his hand and his comb, and so to snap with them as if he meant to give a warning to all the louse in his nitt●… locks for to prepare themselves, for the day of their d●…struction was at hand, then comes he out with his fustian elequence & making a low congee, saith, Sir will you have your wor hair cut after the Italian manner, short and round, and then frounced with the curling irons, to make it look like a half moon in a mist? or like a spanyard long at the ears, and curled like to the two ends of an old cast p●…rriwig, or will you be Frenchified with a love lock down to your shoulders, wherein you may wear your mistress favour? the English cut is base and gentlemen scorn it, novelty is dainty, speaks the word sir, my scissors are ready to execute your worships wil His head being once dressed, which requires in combing and rubbing some t●…o hours, he comes to the basin, then being curiously washed with no weorse than a camphor bal, he descends as low as his beard, and asketh whether he please to be shaven or no, whether he will have his peak cut short & sharp, amiable like an inamorato or broad pendant like a spade, to be terrible like a warrior & a Soldado, whether he will have his crates cut low like a juniperbush, or his suberches taken away with a razor, if it be his plea sure to have his appendices primd, or his mustachioes fostered to turn about his ears like the branches of a vine, or cut down to the lip with the Italian ●…a●…h, to make him look like a half faced bauby in bras. These acquaint terms Barber you g●…ee●… master velvet breeches withal, & at every word a snap with your ●…ors, and a cringe with your knee, whereas when you come to poor Clothbreeches you either cut his beard at your own pleasure, or else in disdain ask him if he will be trimmed with Christ's cut, round like the half of a holland cheese, mocking both Christ and us: for this your knavery my will is you shall be none of the ●…urie. For you master surgeon, the statutes of England exempts you from being of any quest, and beside, alas, I seldom fall into your hands as being quiet & making no brawls to have wounds, as swartruiting velvetbreeches doth, neither do I frequent whorehouses to catch the Marbles, and so to grow your patient, I know you not and therefore I appeal to the statute, you shall have nothing to do with my matter. And for you M. apothecary, alas, I look not once in seven year into your shop, without it be to buy a pennyworth of wormseed to give my child to drink, or a little treacle to drive out the measles, or perhaps some dregs and powders to make my sick horse a drench withal, but for myself, if I be il at case, I take Kitchen physic, I make my wife my Doctor, and my garden my apothecary's shop, whereas queasy master velvet breeches cannot have a fart awry, but he must have his purgations pills, and glisters, or evacute by electuaries, he must if the lest spot of morphew come on his face, have his oil of Tartar, his Lac virgins, his camphor dissolved in verjuice, to make the fool as fair forsooth, as if he were to play Maidmarian in a may-game or Moris-daunce, tush he cannot digest his meat without conserves, nor end his meal without suckats, nor (shall I speak plainly) pleas the trug his mistress without he goes to the Apothecaries, for Eringion, Oleum formicarum alatarum & aqua mirabilis of ten pound a pint, if mast velvet breeches with drinking these drugs hap to have a stinking breath, then foreseeth the apothecary must play the peri●… to make it sweet, nay what is it about him that he blameth not nature for framing, and formeth it a new by art, and in all this wh●… but monster the apothecary, therefore good sir (quot he) seeing you have taken upon you to be trior for the challenges, let those three as partial companions be packing. Why (qd. I) seeing you have yielded such reason of refusal, let them stand by: presently looking about for more, comes stalking down an aged grand sir in a black velvet coat and a black cloth gown welted and faced, and after him as I suppose, four servingmen, the most il favoured knaves me thought that ever I saw, one of them had on a buff leather jerkin all greasy before with the droppings of b●…ere that fell from hi●… beard, and by his side a skein like a Brewer's boung knife, and muffled he was in a cloak turned over his nose, as though he had been ashamed to show his face. The second had a belly like a buckingtub, & a thréedbare black coat unbottond before upon the breast, whereon the map of drunkenness was drawn, with the bawdy and bowsie excrements that dropped from his filthy leaking mouth. The third was a long lean old slavering slangrell with a brasell staff in the one hand, and a whipcord in the other, so pourblind that he had like to have stumbled upon the company before he saw them: The fourth was a fat chuff, with a sour look, in a black cloak faced with taffeta, and by his side a great side pouch like a falconer, for their faces all four seemed to be brethren, they were so bombasted with the flocks of strong beers, and lined with the lees of old sack, that they looked like four blown bladders painted over with red oaker, or washed over with the suds of an old stale die. All these, as well the master as the following mates would have passed away, but that I stepped before them & inquired first of the foremost what he was, Mary qd. he, a Lawyer, than sir qd. I, we have a matter in controversy that requireth counsel, & you are the more welcome. What is it qd. he, Mary said I, whether Clothbréeches or velvetbreeches are of more worth, and which of them hath the best title to be resident in England? At this the lawyer smiled, and velvet breeches stepping forth took acquaintance of him, and commending his honesty, said there could not be a man of better indifferency of the jury: when cloth breeches stepping in swore he marveled be was not as well as the Surgeon exempted by act of parliament from being of any quest, sith as the surgeon was without pity, so he was without conscience, and thereupon inferred his challenge, saying the Lawyer was never friend to clothbréeches, for when lowliness, neighbourhood, and hospitality lived in England, Westminster hall was a dining chamber, not a den of controversies, when the king himself was content to keep his S. George's day in a plain pair of kersey hose: when the duke, earl, lord, knight, gentleman and esquire, aimed at virtue, not pride: and wore such breeches as was spun in his house, than the lawyer was a simple man, and in the highest degree but a bare scrinener, except judges of the land, which took in hand serious matters, as treasons, murders felons and such capital offences, but seldom was there any Pleas put in before that proud upstart velvet breeches, for his maintenance invented strange controversies, and since he begun to domineer in England, he hath buzzed such a proud, busy, covetous & encroaching humour into every man's head that lawyers are grown to be one of the cheese limbs of the common wealth, for they do now adays de lana caprina rixare, go to law if a hen do but scrape in his Oarchard: but howsoever right be, might carries away the verdict: if a poor man sue a Gentleman, why he shoots up to the sky, and the arrow falls on his own head, howsoeur the cause go the weakest is thrust to the wall, lawyers are troubled with the heat of the liver, which makes the palms of their hands so hot that they cannot be cold unless they be rubbed with the oil of angels, but the poor man that gives but his bare fee, or perhaps pleads in forma pauperes, he hunteth for hares with a taber, & gropeth in the dark to find a needle in a bottle of hay, tush these lawyers have such delatory & foreign pleas, such dormers, such quibs & quiddits, that beggaring their clients they purchase to themselves whole lordships, it booteth not men to discourse their little conscience, & great exhortation, only suffice they be not so rich as they be bad, & yet they be but to wealthy. I inveigh not against law nor honest lawyers, for there be some well qualified, but against extorting Ambodexters th● wring the poor, & because I know not whether this be such a one or no, I challenge him not to be of my jury. Why then, qd I his worship may departed, & then I questioned what he in the buff jerkin was, marry quoth he, I am a sergeant, he had no sooner said so but velvet breeches leapt back, and drawing his rapier, swore he did not only challenge him for his jury, but protested if he stirred one foot towards him, he would make him eat a piece of his po●…ard, And what is the reason qd. I, that there is such mortal hatred betwixt you and th●… sergeant? Oh sir qd. velvet breeches, search him, and I warrant you the knave hath precept upon precept to arrest me, hath worn his mace smooth, with only clapping it upon my shoulder he hath had me under coram so often, oh that reprobate is the 〈◊〉, executioner to bring such Gentlemen to Limbo, as he hath overthrown with his ●…ase brocage and bad commodities: and as you s●… him a fat knave with a foggy face, wherein a cup of old sack hath set a seal, to mark the bowsie drunkard to die of the dropsy, so his conscience is consumed, and his heart ro●… of all remorse and pity, that for money he will betray his own father, for will a cormorant but fee him to arrest a young Gentleman, the rakehell will be so eager to catch him, as a dog to take a bear by the ears in Parish garden, and when he hath laid hold upon him, he useth him as courteously as a butcher's c●…r would do an ox cheeck, when he is hungry, if he see the Gentleman hath money in his purse, then strait with a cap and knee he carries him to the tavern, and bids him send for some of his friends to bale him, but first he coue●…āts to have some brace of angels for his pains, and beside he calsin for wine as grée●…ily, as if the knaves mother had been brought against a hogshead when he was begotten, but suppose the Gentleman wants pence, he will either have a pawn or else drige him to the counter, without respect of manhood or honesty, I should spend the wh●…le day with displaying his villainies, therefore briefly let this suffice, he was never made by the consent of God, but his 〈◊〉 carcase was framed by the Devil, of the rotten carian of a wolf, and his soul of an 〈◊〉 damned ghost turned out of hell, into his body to do monstrous wickedness again upon the earth, so that he shall be none of my jury, neither shall he come nearer me than the length of my rapier will suffer ●…im. In deed quoth Clothbréeches generally sergeant be bad, but there be amongst them some honest men, that will do their duties with lawful favour: for to say truth, if sergeant were not, how should men come by their debts (marry they are so cruel in their office, that if they arrest a poor man, they will not suffer him (if he hath no money) to stay a quarter of an hour to talk with his creditor, although perhaps at the meeting they might take composition, but only to the counter with him unless he will lay his pe●…vter, brass, coverlets, sherts, or such household-stuff, to them for pawn of payment of some coin for their staying: therefore let him departed out of the place, for his room is better than his company.  
Well then quoth I, what say you to these three, and with that I questioned their names, the one said he was a Sumner, the other a Gaoler, and the third an Infourmer: jesus bless me (quoth Cloth breeches) what a Ging was here gathered together, no doubt ●…elis is broke lose, and the Devil means to keep holiday, I make challenge against them all, as against worse men than those that gave evidence against Christ: for the Sumner it boots me to say little more against him, than Chaucer did in his Canturbury tales, who said he was a knave, a briber & a bawd, but leaving that authority although it be authentical, yet thus much I can say of myself, that these drunken drosy sons go tooting abroad (as they themselves term it) which is to hear if any man hath got his maid with child or plays the good fellow with his neighbour's wife, if he find a hole in any man's coat that is of wealth, than he hath his peremptory citation ready to scite him unto the Archdeacon's or officials court, there to apeere & abide the shame & penalty of the law, the man perhaps in good credit with his neighbours, loath to bring his name in question, greseth the sumner in the fist, and then be wipes him out of the book, and suffer him to get twenty with child, so he keep him warm in the hand: he hath a saying to wanton wives, & they are his good dames, and as long as they feed him with cheese, bacon, capons & such odd reversions, they are honest, and be they never so bad, he swears to the official, complaints are made upon envy, and the women of good behaviour: tush what bawdry is it he will not suffer, so he may have money and good cheer, and if he like the wench well a snatch himself, for they know all the w●…es in a country, & are as lecherous companions as may be, to be brief, the sumner lives upon sins of people, & out of harlotry gets he all his commodity. As for the Gaoler, although I have been little troubled in prison to have experience of his knavery, yet I have heard the poor prisoners complain how cruel they be to them, extorting with extraordinary fees, selling a double curtal (as they call it) with a double jug of beer for 2 pence, which contains not above a pint & a half: let a poor man be arrested into one of the counters, though he but set his foot in them but half an hour, he shall be almost at an angels charge, what with garnish, crossing and wiping out of the book, turning the key, paying the chamberlain, seeing for his jury, and twenty such extortions invented by themselves, and not allowed by any statute, God bl●…s me gaoler from your henhouses, as I will ke●…pe you from coming in my quest, and to you M. Infourmer, you that look like a ci●…l Citizen, or some handsome pettifogger of the law: although your crim●…on nose ●…ewraies you can sup off a cool cup of sack without a●…y thewing, yet have you as much sly knavery in your side pouch there, as would breed the confusion of forty honest men. It may be sir you marvel why I exclaim against the Informer sith he is a most necessary member in the commonwealth, and is highly to the Prince's advantage for the benefit of pennall statutes and other abuses, whereof he gineth special intelligence? To wipe out this doubt, I speak not against the Office but the Officer, against such as abuse law when they should use it, and such a one I guess this fellow to be, by the carnation tincture of his ruby nose. Therefore let us search his bag, and see what trash you shall find in it: with that although the Infourmer were very loath, yet we●… plucked eut the stuffing of his pouch, and in it was found a hundred & odd writs: Whereat I wondered: and Clothbréeches smiling bade me read the Labels, and the parties names, and then ●…xamine the Infourmer how many of them he knew, and wherein they had offended. I followed his counsel, and of all he knew but three, neither could he tell what they had done a miss●… to be arrested, and brought in question.  
Clothbréeches seeing me stand in a maze, began thus to resolve me in my doubt, perhaps, quoth he, you marvel, why the Infourmer hath all these writs, and knows neither the parties nor can obi●…t any offence to them? To this I answer: that it being a long vacation, he learned in the roll all those men's names, and that they were men of indifferent wealth: Now means he to go abroad and search them out and arrest them, and though they knew not wherein, or for what cause they should be troubled, yet rather than they will come up to London and spend their money, they will bestow sóme odd Angel upon master Infourmer, and so sit at home in qu●…et. But suppose some be so stuborn●… as to stand to the trial, yet can this cunning knave declare a Tamquam against them, so that though they be cleared, yet can they have no recompense at all, for that he ●…oth it in the courts behalf. I will not unfold his villainies, but he is an abuser of good laws and a very knave, and so let him be, with his fellows. I both wondered & laughed to hear Clothbréeches make this discourse, when I saw two in the valley together by the ●…ares, the one in ●…ther, the other as black as the Devil: I stepped to them to part the 〈◊〉, and questioned what they were, and wherefore they braw●…●… Marry quoth he, that l●…kt like Lucifer, though I am black, I am not the Devil, but indeed a collier of Croyden, and one s●…r that have sold many a man a false sack of coals, that both wanted measure, and was half full of dust and dross. Indeed I have been a Lieger in my time in London, and have played many mad pranks, for which cause, you may apparently see I am made a curtal, for the Pillory (in the sight of a greàt many good and sufficient witnesses) hath eaten off both my ears, and now sir this Ropemaker 〈◊〉 me here with his halters, I guess him to be come evillspirit, that in the likeness of a man, would since I have passed the Pillory, persuade me to hang myself for my old offences, and therefore sith I cannot bless me from him in Nomine patris, I lay Spiritus Sanctus about his shoulders with a good cra●…-tree cudgel, that he may get out of my company.  
The Ropemaker replied, that honestly journeying by the way, he acquainted himself with the Collier, and for no other cause pretended. Honest with the Devil, quoth the Collier, how can he 〈◊〉 honest, whose mother I guess was a witch, for I have heard them say, that witches say their prayers backward, and so doth the Ropemaker yearn his living by going backward, & the knaves chief living is by making fatal instruments, as halters and ropes, which divers desperate men hang themselves with. Well quoth I, what say you to these, shall they be on the jury? 〈◊〉 said nothing, but Clothbreeches said, in the Ropemaker he found no great falsehood in him, ther●…fore he was willing he should be one, but for the Collier he thought it necessary, that as he came so he should departed, so than I had the Ropemaker stand by till more came, which was not long, for there came three in a cluster. As soon as they druenie, I spied one, a fat churl with a side russet coat to his knee, and his hands all to tanned with shifting his Ouse, yet would I not take not●…re what they were, they but questioned with them of their several occupations. Marry quoth the first, I am a tanner, the second a shoemaker, and the third a Currier: then turning to the Plaintiff and Defendant, I asked them if they would allow of these parties. No by my faith quoth Clothbreeches, I make challenge to them all, and I will yield reasons of import against them: and first to you master Tanner, are you a man worthy to be of a jury, when your conscience cares not to wrong the whole commonwealth, you respect not public commodity, but private gains: not to benefit your neighbour, but for to make the proud princo●…e your son an upstart Gentleman, and because you would marry your Daughter, at the least to an Esquire that she may if it be possible, be a Gentlewoman, & how comes this to pass? by your●…tanne-fats for sooth: for, whereas by the ancient laws and statutes of England, you should let a hide lie in the Ouse at the least nine months, you can make good leather of it before three months, you have your Dooves dung, your Marl, your Ashen bark and a thousand things more, to bring on your Leather apace, that it is so badly Tanned, that when it comes to the wearing, than it 〈◊〉 a way like a piece of brown paper: and whereas your backs of all other should be the best tanned, you bring them so full of horns to the market, that did you not grease the sealer's of Leaden Hall thoroughly in the fist, they should never be sealed, but turned away and made ●…orfiet by the statute. I cannot at large lay open your subtle practices, to beguile the poor communality with bad leather. But let this suffice, you leave no villainy unsought, to bring the block head your son to go before the Clown his father, trimly tricked up in a pair of velvet breeches.  
Now master Currier to your cozenage, you cannot be content only to burn the leather you dress for savit of liquor, because you would make the shoemaker pay well and you put in little stuff: and beside, when as in backs you should only put in Tallow hard and good, you put in soft kitchen stuff mixed, and so to make the good and well tanned Leather by your villainy to ●…léet and waist away, but also you grow to be an extorting knave, and a forestaller of the market, for you will buy leather, sides, backs and Calf skines, and sell them to the poor shoemakers at an unreasonable rate, by your false retaylinge, getting infinite goods by that excessive price: both undoing the poor shoemaker, and causing us that we pay extremely for shoes. For if the Currier bought not Leather by the whole of the Tanner, the shoemaker might have it at a more reasonable price: but the shoemaker being poor, is not perhaps able to deal with a dicker of hides nor perhaps with a couple of backs, and the Tanner will not trust him: then the extorting and cozening Currier comes up with this, I will lend you for a day and so pincheth him, that he is scharce able to find his children brea●….  
But well hath the Prince and the honourable Lords of the privy counsel provided by an act of Parliament, that no Currier shall buy leather either backs or hides of the Tanner, so to bridle the extorting and forestall cozenage, but craftillyer and subteller hath the knave Currier crosbitten the statute, in that he deals thus with the Tanner, he makes him hold his leather unreasonably to the shoemaker, and so when he cannot sell it, he lays it up in the Curriers house, under a colour whereas indeed he hath sold it him.  
Suppose this shift be spied and prevented: then compoundeth he with some knave shoemaker, some base rakehell without a conscience, that neither respecteth God, the commonwealth, nor his company, and forsooth he is half with the Currier, who letteth him have some hundred mark to lay out for leather every month, whereas he spends not in his shop a hundred marks worth in a year: so the shoemaker buys it to abuse the statute for the Currier, & the Currier by that means vndooeth the other shoemakers: thus two crafty knaves are met and they need no broker.  
Now to you gentle craft, you mass shoemakers: you can put in the inner sole, of thin calves skin, when as the shoe is a neats leather shoe, which you know is clean contrary both to conscience and the statute. Beside, you will join a neats leather vampy to a calves leather heel: is not here good stuff master shoemaker? Well for your knavery, you shall have those curses which belongs unto your craft: you shall be light footed to travel far, light witted upon every small occasion to give your master the bag, you shall be most of you unthrifts, and almost all perfect goodfellows. Beside I remember a merry jest how Mercury brought you to a dangerous disease, for he requested a boon for you, which fell out to your great disadvantage, and to recreate us here a little gentle craft, what fell to your trade by that winged God. As it happened on a time that jupiter & Mercury traviling together upon earth, Mercury was wonderfully hungry and had no money in his purse to buy him any food, and at last to his great comfort he spied where a company of Tailors were at Dinner with butred pease, eating their pease with their needles points one by one: Mercury came to them and asked them his alms, they proudly had him sit down and do as he saw they did, and with that delivered him a needle. The poor God being passing hungry, could not content his maw with eating one by one, but turned the eye of his needle and eat two or three together: which the Tailors seeing, they start up and said: what fellow, a shoue●… and a spade, to buttered pease, hast thou no more manners, get out of ●…ur company, and so they sent him packing with many strokes.  
Mercury coming back, jupiter demanded of him what news: and he told him how chorlishly he was used amongst the Tailors, well, wandering on further, Mercury esp●…ed where a company of sh●…makers were at Dinner with powdered beef and brewis, going to them before ●…et could ask them any alms, they said, welcome good fellow, what is thy stomach up, wilt thou do as we do, and taste of beef, Mercury thanked them and sat down and eat his belly full, and drank well of double beer, and when he had done went hom●… to his master.  
Assoon as he came jupiter asked him what news, and he said: I have lighted amongst a crew of shoemakers, the best fellows that ever I met withal, they have frankly said me without grudging, and therefore grant me a boon for them.  
Ask what thou wilt Mercury, quoth he, and it shall be done, why then quoth he, grant that for this good turn they have done me, they may ever spend a groat afore they can yearn two pence. It shall be granted quoth he.  
Mercury assoon as jupiter had said the word, be bethought himself and said: Nay but that they may yearn a groat afore they spend two pence, for my tongue slipped at the first, well, Mercury quoth he, it cannot be recalled the first wish must stand, and hereof by Mercuris boon it grew, that all of the gentle craft are such good fellows & spendethriftes. But howsoever, none of those three, neither Shoemaker, Lanner, nor Currier, shall be accepted to be of the jury.  
As they went away with fleas in their ears, being thus taunted by Clothbreeches, we might see where there came a troop of ancient Gentlemen, with their servingmen attending upon them. The foremost was a great old man, with a white beard all in russet, and a fair black cloak on his back, & attending on him he had some fine men, their cognisance as I remember was a Peacock without a tail, the other two that accompanied him, seemed meaner than himself. But yet Gentlemen of good worship, whereupon I went towards them & saluted them, & was so bold as to question what they were and of their bus●…nes. The most ancientest answered he was a knight, and those two his neighbours, the one anesquire, the other a gentleman and that they have no urgent affairs, but only to walk abroad to take the fresh air. Then did I show them both Clothbreeches, and velvet breeches, & told them the controversy, & desired their aid to be upon the jury. They smiling answered, they were content, & so did Cl●…thbreeches seem to rejoice, that such honest ancient English gentlemen should be triers of his title. But velvetbreeches storming, slept in & made challenge to them al. I demanded the reason why he should refuse Gentlemen of so good calling? And he made me this answer.  
Why you may guess the inward mind by the outward apparel, & see how he is addicted by the homely robes he is suited in. Why this knight is mortal enemy to pride & so to me, he regardeth hospitality & aimeth at honour with relieving the poor, you may see although his lands & revenues be great, & he able to maintain himself in great bravery, yet he is content with home spun cloth, & scorneth the pride that is used now a dates amongst young upstarts, he holdeth not the worth of his Gentry to be & consi●…t in velvet-breeches, but valeweth true ●…ame by the report of the common sort, who praise him for his virtue, justice, liberality, housekeeping & almsdeeds, Vox populi vox Dei, his tenants & farmers would if it might be possible, make him immortal with their prayers & praises. Be raiseth no rent, racketh no lands, taketh no incombs, imposeth no merciless fines, envies not an other, buyeth no house over his neighbour's head: but respecteth his country & the commodity thereof, as dear as his life. He regardeth more to have the needy fed, to have his board garnished with full platters, them to famous himself with excessine furniture in apparel. Since than he scorneth pride, he must of force proclaim himself mine enemy, and therefore he shall be none of my jury, & such as himself I guess the Squire and the Gentleman & therefore I challenge them all three. Why quoth I, this is strange, that a man should be drawn from a quest for his goodness. If men for virtue be challenged, whom shall we have upon the jury, your ob●…ection helps not master velvetbreeches: for if he be a man of so godly a disposition, he will neither speak for fear or favour, he will regard neither the riches of the one, nor the plain poverty of the other, whereupon sith you have made me trier, I allow them all three to be of the jury, and so I requested them to sit down till our jury was full, which they courteously did, although velvetbreeches frowned at it. When I looking for more, saw where there came a troop of men in apparel se●…ming poor honest Citizens, in all they were eight. I demanded of them what they were, & whether they were going. One of them that seemed the wealthiest, who was in a furred Jacket made answer, that they were all friends going to the burial of a neighbour of theirs, that yester night died, and if it would do me any pleasure to hear their names, they were not so dainty but that they would tell them, and so then he began to tell me, that by his art he was a Skinner, the second said he was a Joiner, the third was a Saddler, the fourth a Waterman, the fift was a Cutler, the sixth was a Bellowsmender, the seventh a Plasterer, and the right a Printer. In good time quoth I, it is con●…nendable when neighbours love so well together, but if your speed be not overmuch, I must request you to be of a Jury, so I discoursed unto them the controversy between Clothbréeches & Ueluetbréeches, and to what issue it must grow by a verdict, they seemed all content, and I turned to the plaintiff and defendant, and asked if they would make challenge to any of these. I scorn qd. Ueluetbréeches, to make any great objection against them, sith they be mechanical men, and I almost hold them indifferent, for this I know, they get as much & more by me than by him, the Skinner I use for furs, whereas this base Clothbréeches hath scarce a gown faced once in his life, the Saddler for costly embroidered saddis, the joiner for ceiling my house, the cutler for gilt rapiers, the Waterman I use continually, ten times for his once, and so likewise the Plasterer, for the Bellowe●…ender alas poor snake I know him not, for the Printer by our Lady I think I am some ten pounds in his debt for books, so that for my part let them all pass. And for me too, qd. Clothbreeches, but yet a little to put them in remembrance of their follies, let me have about with them all, and first with you master Skinner, to whom I can say little but only this, that whereas you should only put the backs of skins into facing, you taw the wombs and so deceive the buyer, besides if you have some fant aslike skin brought you not worth two pence, with seem strange spots though it be of a libbet, you will swear 'tis a most precious skin, and came from Musco or the furthest parts of Calabria. The Saddler he stuffs his panels with straw or hay and over glafeth them with hair, and makes the leather of them of morts or tanned sheep skins. The joiner though an honest man, yet he maketh his joints weak, and putteth in sap in the morteses, which should be the heart of the tree, and all to make his ●…uffe slender. And you Cutler, you are patron of ruffions and swashbuckiers, and will sell them a blade that may be thrust into ●… bushel. but if a poor man come that cannot s●…il of it, you sell him a sword or rapier newaverglased, and swear the blade came either ●…ō Turkey or Toledo. Now master waterman you will say there is no subtillty in you, for there is none so simple but that knows your fares, & what is 〈◊〉 between Green which and London & how you earn●… your money painfully with the sweat of your brows, all this is true, but let me●… whisper one thing in your ear, you will play the goodfellow too much if you be well greased in the fi●…t, for if a young Gentleman & a pretty wench come to you and say, waterman, my friend and I mean to go by water and to be merry a night o●… two, I care not which way nor whether we go, and therefore where thou thinkest we may have best lodging thither carry us: then off goes your cap and away they go, to brainfoordor some other place, and then you say 〈◊〉 I pray you use this Gentleman and his wife well, they are come out of London to take the air & mean to be merry here a night or two, and to spend their money frankly, when God wots they are neither man nor wife, nor perhaps of any acquaintance before their match made in some bawdy tavern, but you know no such matter, & therefore waterman I pardon you. And for you Plasterer and Bellowsmender I pass you over, and so do I the Printer too, only this I must needs say to him that some of his trade will print lewd books, and baw●…y pamphlets, but Auri sacra fames quid non? and therefore I am content they shall be all of the jury. I was glad there were so many accepted of at once, and hoped that now quickly the jury would b●…e full, l●…king about me, strait I might see one alone come running as fast as he could. I wondered what he should be that he made such ha●…re, & the skinner told me he was an honest man, and one of their company, by his occupation abric●…laier. Oh qd. velvetbreeches, a good honest simple man, he hath been long in my work, in building me a sumptuous house. But I challenge him, qd. Clothbreeches, for he is ai●…gler, How qd. I, can it be, see he goeth very homely in leather and hath his ruler in his hand & his ●…rowel at his side, & he seemeth not as one that were given to such qualities, yes qd. clothbreeches, he hath this policy, when he maketh a stately place all glorious to the cie and full of fair chambers and goodly rooms, and about the house perhaps some three score Chimneys, yet he can so cunningly cast by his art, that three of them shall not smoke in the 〈◊〉, & so spoils 〈◊〉 much good mortar & brick, Why qd. 〈◊〉 the fault is not in the workman but in the housekeeper, for now adays men build for to please the eye, not to profit the poor, they use no roast, but for themselves and their household, nor no fire but a little court chimney in their own chamber, how can the poor bricklaier then be blamed, when the niggardness of the lord or master is the cause no more chimneys do smoke, for would they use ancient hospitality as there forefathers did, & 〈◊〉 as lightly of pride as their great grandfathers, than should you see every chimney in the house smoke, & prove that the poor artificer had done his part. Why then qd. Clothbréeches as you please, admit him on the quest. But what be those qd. Clothbre●…ches, that come here so soberly? I hope they be honest men, for they lo●…ke very demure, I will inquire said I, and with that stepping to them, I demanded their names & very courteously the one said he was a brewer, the other a butcher, the third abaker, & the sourth a victualler. Hearing what they were, I was glad, guessing sith they were so honest substantial men, that they would help to make up the Jury, when velvet-breeches with a grime & sour countenance gave them this challenge. I hold it not necessary (quoth he) that these have any thing to deal in my cause, si●…h I am at odds with them all, at least in fortv pounds a piece, for this seven years I have been indebted unto them for bread, beef, bear & other victuales, then sith they have credited me long, & I have had so little care to pay them, I doubt now they will revenge themselves & pass against me in the verdict. Nay (quoth I) the rather will they hold on your part, for if they be honest wise men (as they seem to be) they will be careful of your preferment, seeing th●… more hightly they are advanced, the more like are they to come by their own. If therefore you can object no other points of dishonesty against them, I see no reason why they should be put by. If you do not (quoth Clothbréeches) then hear me & I will prove them unfit to have any dealings here, & first for the Butcher. I pray you goodman 〈◊〉, what havoc play you with passing up of meat, and blowing with your pricker as you flay it, have you not your artificial k●…aueries to set out your meat with pricks, & then swearche hath more for mo●…y than ever you bought, to sell a piece of an old Cow for a chop of a young ●…re, to wash your old meat that hath hung weltering in the shop with new blood, to truss away an old eaw in stead of a young weather, & although you know it is hurtful & forbidden by the statutes to slay your hides, s●…ines, ●…acks, with cuts & slashes to the impoverishing of the poor shoemaker when he buys it, yet I pray you how many slaughters do you make in a poor calves skin? Oh Butcher, a long lent be your punishment, for you make no conscience in deceiving the poor. And you must Brewer that grow to be worth forty thousand pounds by your selling of sudden water what subtlety have you in making your bear, to spare the malt & put in t●…e more of the hop to make your drink (be Barley never so cheap) not a whit the stronger, & yet never sell a whit the more measure for money, you can when you have taken all the heart of the malt away, then clap on store of water 'tis cheap enough, & mash out a tunning of smal●… bear, that it scours a man's maw like rhenish wine: in your conscience how many barrels draw you out of a quarter of malt? ●…e, 〈◊〉 I conceal your falsehood, lest I should be too broad in setting down your faults. And for you goodman Baker, you that love to be seen in the open market place upon the Pillory, the world cries out of your wickedness, you crave but one dear year to make your daughter a Gentlewoman, you buy your corn at the best hand & yet will not be content to make your bread weight by many ounces, you put in yeast & salt to make it heavy, and yet all your policy cannot make it but you fine for the Pillory, the poor cry out, the rich find fault, & the Lord Maior & the Sheriffs like honourable & worshipful mai●…strates, every day walk abroad & weigh your bread, & yet all will not ser●… to make you honest men, but were extremity used, & the 〈◊〉 put in the highest degree in practice, you would have as few ears on your heads as the Collier. Last to you Tom tapster, that tap your small cans of beer to the poor, & yet fill them half full of froth that card your h●…re (if you see your guests begin to be drunk) half small & half strong, you cannot be content to pinch with your small pots & your 〈◊〉 faggots: but have your truggs to draw men on to villainy, and to bring customers to your house, where you sell a joint of meat for 〈◊〉. peuce that cost you scarce si●…, & if any chance to go on the score, you score him when he is a sleep, & set up a groat a day more than he hath, to find you drinking pots with your companions: to be short, thou art a knave, & I like not of any of the rest, the way lies before you, and therefore you may be gone, for you shall be none of the quest. I 〈◊〉 to s●…e Clothbreeches so peremptory, when I saw five fat fellows all in damask coats & go●…nes welted with Velvet very brave, & in great consultation, as if they were to determine of some weighty matter, drawing near I saw they were wealthy Citizens, so I went & reverently saluted them, & told them how we needed their aid about the appeasing of a controverfie, showing them where the knight, esquire, and other stayed, tell we might find men to fill up the jury they were contented, but velvetbreeches excepted against 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 of them and said they were none of his friends, that was the merchant, goldsmith, mercer, & Draper, his allegations were these, that they were all feathered of one wing to fetch in young Gentlemen by commodities under the colour of lending of money: for the Merchant delivered the iron, ●…in, Led, hops, Sugars, Spices, Oils, brown paper or whatsoever else from six mon●…ths to six months, which when the poor Gentleman came to sell again, he could not make threescore & ten in the hundred beside the usury. The Mercer he followeth the upstart Gentleman that hath no governemet of himself, & he feedeth his humour to go brave, he shall not want silks, Satins, Velvets, to pra●…ck abroad in his pomp, but with this provision, that he must bind over his land in a statute merchant or staple, & so at last forfeit all unto the merciless mercer, & lean himself never a foot of ground in England, which is the reason that for a few remnants of velvets and silks the Mercer 〈◊〉 into whole Lordships. The Goldsmith is not behind, for most of them deal with usury, and let young Gentlemen have commodities of plate for ten in the hundred, but they must lose the fashion in selling it again (which cuts them sore) beside they are most of them s●…ild in alchemy, & rantemper mettales shrewdly, with no little profit to themselves, & disadvantage to the buyer, beside puff rings & acquaint conceits which I omit. And so for you Draper, he fetcheth them off for livery cloth, and cloth for six months & si●…, & yet hath he more knacks in his budget, for he hath so dark a shop, that no man can well choose a piece of cloth it so shadows the dye & the thread, a man shall be deceived in the wool and the nap, they cause the cloth worker so to press them, beside he imposeth this charge to the Cloth worker that he draw his cloth and pull it passing hard when he sets it upon the tenters, that he may have it full breadth and length till thread and all tear and rent in pieces, what care they for that, have they not a drawer to serve their turn to draw and seam by the holes so cunningly that it shall never be espied? myself have seen in one broad cloth eighteen score holes torn racked and pulled by the Clothworker, only to please the Draper and deceive the commonwealth. To be short, the Clathworker what with rowing & setting in a fine nap, with powdering it & pressing it, with shearing the wool to the proof of the thread, deal so cunningly that they prove themselves the Draper's minister to execute his subtleties, therefore if he chance to come let him be remembered. Now sir for the Vintner, he is an honest substantial man a friend to all goodfellows, & truly my friend for my money, & worthy to be of the jury. Why, no qd. Clothbreeches I am of another mind, for I hold him as dece●…tfull as any of the rest, what the vintner, why, he is a kind of Necromancer, for at midnight when all men are in bed, than he for sooth falls to his charms & spells, so that he tumbles one hog shed into another, and can make a cup of claret that hath lost his colour look high with a dash of red wine at his pleasure, if he hath a strong gascoigne wine, for fear it should make his guests to soon drunk, he can allay it with a small Rochel wine: he can cherish up white wine with sack, & perhaps if you bid him wash the pot clean when he goes to draw you a quart of wine, he will leave a little water in the bottom, and then draw it full of wine & what and if he do? 'tis no harm, wine & water is good against the heat of the liver. It were infinite to rehearse the juggling of Uintuers, the disorder of their houses, especially of the persons that frequent them, & therefore sith velvetbreeches hath put by the Merchant, goldsmith mercer, & draper, the vintner shall go with them for company. As these were going away in a snuff, for being thus plainly taunted, we might see a mad merry crew come leaping over the field as frolickly as if they ought not all the world two pence, & drawing nearer we might perceive that either bottle-ale or beer bade made a fray with them, for the lifting of their feet showed the lightness of their heads, the foremost was plain country sir John, or vicar that proclaimed by the r●…dnesse of his nose he did go oftener into the alehouse than the Pulpit, and him I asked what they were and whether they were going: what are you qd. the priest, that standeth by the high way to examine me & my friends here's none in my company but are able to answer for themselves, I seeing they were all set on a merry pin, sold the cause, and how the controversy grew betwixt Clothbreeches and velvet-breeches and that we needed them to be ●…f the quest. Marry (quoth Sir John) a good motion, know these all are my pars●…ioners, & we have been drinking with a poor man, and spending our money with him, a neighbour of ours that hath lost a cow, now for our names and our trades, this is a smith, the second a weaver, the third a nuller, the fourth a cook the fift a carpenter, the sixth a glover, the seventh a peddler, the eight a tinker, the ninth a waterberer, the tenth a husbandman, the eleventh a dyer, and the twelfth a sa●…lor, 〈◊〉 I their Uicker: how could you sir have a fit jury than me and my parishioners? you are a little to brief, qd, Cloth-breecheses, are you not some puritan M. parson, or some fellow that raiseth up new scismens' and heresies amongst your people? A plague on them all quoth I sir, for the world was never in quiet devotion, neighbourhood nor hospitality never flourished in this land, since such up start boys & shuttle witted fools became of the ministry, I cannot tell, they preach faith, faith, and say that doing of alms is papistry, but they have taught so long Fides solemn justificat, that they have preached good works quite out of our Parish, a poor man shall as soon break his neck as his fast at a rich man's door: for my friend, I am indeed none of the best scholars, yet I can read an Homely every Sunday & holiday, and héepe company with my neighbours, and go to the alehouse with them, and if they be fallen out, spend my money to make them friends, & on the Sundays sometime if goofellowship call me away, I say both morning & evening prayer at once, & so let them have a whole afternoon to play in. This is my life, I spend my living with my parishioners, I seek to do all good, and I offer no man harm.  
Well (qd Cloth breeches) I warrant thou art an honest vicar, and therefore stand by thou shalt be one of the quest, and for you Smith, I see no great fault in you, you yearn your living with the sweat of your brows, & there can be no great knavery in you only I would have you to mend your life for drinking, sith you are never at quiet unless the pot be still at your nose. But you weaver, the Proverb puts you down for a crafty knave, you can, filch and steal almost as ill as the Tailor, your woof and warp is so cunningly drawn out that you plague the poor country housewives for their yarn, and daubed on so much dregs that you make it seem both well wrought and to bear weight, when it is slenderly woven, and you have stolen a quarter of it from the poor wife. Away, be packing, for you shall be cashiered. What Miller, shake hands with your brother the Weaver for knavery: You can take toll twice, and have false hoppers to convey away the poor man's meal. Be gone I love not your dusty looks, and for company goodman Cook go you with them, for you cousin the poor men and country Termers with your filthy meat: you will buy of the worst & cheapest, when it is bad enough for dogs, and yet so powder it & parboil it, that you will sell it to some honest poor men, an●… that unreasonably to: If you leave any meat over night, you make a shift to heat it again the next day: Nay, if on the thursday at night there be any left, you make pies of it on sunday mornings, and almost with your slovenly knavery poison the poor people. To be short, I brook you not, and therefore be walking. For the Carpenter, Glover, and Waterbearer, the Husbandmen, Dier, & Sailor, sith your trades have but petty slights, stand you with Master vicar, you are like to help to give in the verdict: but for the peddler and the Tinker, they are two notable knaves, both of an hair, 〈◊〉 both cozen Germans to that Devil. For the tinker, why he is a drowsy, bawdy, drunken companion, that walks up & down with a trug after him, and in stopping 〈◊〉 makes three: & if in convenient place he meets with one alone perhaps ●…ifle him or her of all that ever they have. A base knave without fear of God or lo●…e to any one, but to his whore and himself. The peddler as bad or rather worse, walketh the country with his docksey at the least, if he have not two his mortes dels, and Autem mortis, he passeth commonly through every pair of stocks, either for his drunkenness or his lechery. And beside it is reported you can lift or nip a bounge like a gu●…re Cove, if you want pence, & that you carry your pack but for a colour to shadow your other villainies, well howsoever, you are both knaves and ●…o belogging. Well qd I, suppose the jury be almost full. I believe we want not above three or four persons: look you wher●… they come to make up the number, and they should be men of good disposition, for they seem to be all of the country. Assoon as they came to us I met them, and told them the matter, and they were content.  
The one said he was a Grazier, the other a Farmer, the other a shepherd to them both. What think you of these three qd. I? marry saith velvetbreeches, two of them are honest men, but the other is a base knave: but 〈◊〉 no matter, shuffle him in amongst the rest. Nay by your lean quoth Clothbréeches, I will shuffle out these two for they are very Cormorants of the Country, and devour the poor people with their monstruous exaction. And first I allege against the ●…rasier that he 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 and meadow grounds, for the faeding of his cattle, and wringeth leases of them out of poor men's hands; and in his 〈◊〉 of cattle he committeth great 〈◊〉, for if it prove a wet year, than he maketh havoc and selleth dear: if it be a 〈◊〉 year, than he 〈◊〉 cheap, and yet having pasture keeps them till he may come to his own prize: he knoweth as well as the 〈◊〉 by the seed of a Bullock how much Tallow he will yield, what his quarters will amount unto: what the Tanner will give for the Hide: nay, what the sowse wives are able to make of the inwards: so that 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 it so dear to the Butcher, that he can scarce live of it, and therefore what subtlety the Butcher useth cometh from the Grazier, so that I exempt him from the quest as a bad member, and an ill friend to Clothbréeches. And for you mass Farmer, you know how through you covetous Landlords raise their rents, for if a poor man have but a plough land, if you see his pastures bear good grass, and his earable 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 corn, and that he prospereth and goeth forward 〈◊〉 it and 〈◊〉; 〈◊〉 and maintaineth his wife and servants honestly, then Inuidusaltenus rebus marcessit opinis, viciounique pecus grandins uber habet.  
Then strait 〈◊〉 pricks the Farmer forward and he bids the Landlord far more than the poor man 〈◊〉 yearly for it: so that if he be a Tenant at will, he puts him out to beg in the street: or when his lease comes out be over loads him in the fine, and thus blood sucketh he the poor for his own private profit. Besides the base ch●…e if he sees a forward year & that corn is like to be plenty, than he murmereth against God, and sweareth and protesteth he shall be undone: respe●…ing more the filling of his own coffers by a dearth, than the profit of his country by a general plenty. Beside sir may it please you, whennew corn comes into the market, who brings it in to relieve the state? Not your mastership, but the poor husbandman, that wants pence. For you keep it till the back end of the year nay you have your Garners which have corn of two or three years old, upon hope still of a dear year, rather letting the weasels eat it, than the poor should have it at any reasonable price. So that I conclude, you are a Cormorant of the common wealth, and a wretch that lives of the spoil of the 〈◊〉, and so I leave you to 〈◊〉 with the GrasierMarry for the Sepsheard, unless it be that he killeth a Lamb now and then, and says the fox stole him, I know little craft in his budget, therefore let him be amongst the honest men of the jury.  
Well Clothbreeches qd. I, you are very peremptory in your challenges, what say you here comes three or four Citizens, will any of these serve turn, I cannot tell qd. he till I know their names & conditions, with that I slept afore the company, and inquired what they were, the eldest of them being a grave Citizen, said he was a Grocer, the rest his good & honest neighbours, a Chandler, a Haberdasher, a Clothworker, and two strangers, one a Wallon, the other a Dutchman. How like you of these qd. I to velvetbreeches, well enough quoth he, for I am a little acquainted with them, yet I know they favour me, because I have on a sunday seen them all in there silks. I marry, quoth Clothbreeches, but they never get that bravery with honesty, for the Clothworker his faults were laid open, before when we had the Draper in question: and therefore let him be packing. For you chandler, I like not of your tricks, you are to conversant with the kitchenstuff wives you after your week or snaffe is stiffened, you dip it 〈◊〉 droes, & after give him a coat of good tallow, which makes the Candle's drop and waste away, to the great hindrance of the poor workmen that watcheth in the night. Beside you pinch in your weights and have false measures, and many other knaveries that I omit, but this be sure you shall not meddle in my matter: neither the Haberdasher, for he trimes up old felts and makes them very fair to the 〈◊〉, and faceth & edgeth them neatly, & then he turns them away to such a simple man as I am: and so abuseth us with his cozenage. Beside you buy gumd Tafata, where with you line Hats that will strait asunder as soon as it comes to the heat of a man's head. To be brief, I am not well skilled in your knaveries, But indeed you are to subtle for poor Clothbréeches, and therefore you shall be none of the jury. Mary the Grocer seems an honest man, and I am content to admit of him, only take this as a caveat by the way, that you buy of the Garbellers of spices, the refuse that they sl●…t from the merchant, and that you mix again and sell it to your customers. Besides in your beaten spices, as inpeper you put in bay berries, & such dross, and so wring the poor, but these are slight causes and so I overpass them, and vouchsafe you to be of the quest. But I pray you what be those two honest men? quoth the Grocer, the one a Dutchman and a Shoemaker, the other a Frenchman & 〈◊〉 Milliner in Sant Martin's, and sells Shirts, Bands, Bracelets, jewels, and such pretty toys for Gentle women: oh they be of Ueluet●…réeches acquaintance, upstaris as well as he, that have brought with them pride and abuses into England, and first to the Milliner. What toys deviseth he to feed the humour of the upstart Gentleman withal, and of fond Gentlewomen, such fans, such ouches, such brooches, such bracelets, such graundcies, such periwigs, such paintings, such ruffs, and cuffs, as hath almost made England as full of proud foppries as Tyre & Sydon were. There is no Seamster can make a band or a shirt so well as his wife: and why forsooth? because the filthy quean wears a craunce, and is a French woman forsooth. Where as our English women of the Erchange, are both better workwomen, and will afford a better pennyworth. And so for the drunken Dutchman. this shoemaker, he and such as he is, abuseth the common wealth, and the poor mechanical men and handicrafts men of London, for our new upstart fools of 〈◊〉 fraternity, liketh nothing but that the outlandish Ass maketh. They like no shoe so well as the Dutchman maketh, when our English men pass them far, and so for chandlers, and all other occupatious, they are wronged by the Dutch and French And therefore sith the Commons hates them they cannot be my friends, and therefore let them be launching to Flushing, for they shall be no triers of my controversy. Well quoth I now I suppose the Jury is full, and we see no more coming, let us call them and see how many we have. So they appeared to their names, as followeth.  

The Names of the jury to be empaneled.  
1 Knight.  
2 Esquire.  
3 Gentleman.  
4 Priest.  
5 Printer.  
6 Grocer.  
7 Skinner.  
8 Dier.  
9 Pewterer.  
10 Sadler.  
11 joiner.  
12 Bricklaier.  
13 Cutler.  
14 Plasterer.  
15 Sailor.  
16 Ropemaker.  
17 Smith.  
18 Glover.  
19 Husbandman.  
20 Shepherd.  
21 Waterman.  
22 Waterbearer.  
23 Bellowsmender.   
What is it not possible quoth I, to have one more to make up the four and twenty? as I was thus speaking, I espied 〈◊〉 oss, a certain kind of an overworn Gentleman at●…red in Velvet and Satin but it was some what dropped and greasse, and boots on his legs, whose soles weared thin & seemed to complain of their Mai●…er which treading thrift under his feet, had brought them unto that consumption, be walked not as other men in the common beaten way, but came compassing Circum circa, as if we had been Devils, and he would draw a Circle about us, and at every third s●…p he looked back, as if he were afraid of a Bailie or Sergeant.  
After him followed two pert Applesquires, the one had a Murrty cloth gown on, faced down before with grey Conny, and laid thick on the sleeves with lace, which he quaintly bore up, to show his white Laffata hose and black silk stockings, a huge ruf about his neck wrapped in his great head like a wicker Cage, a little Hat with 〈◊〉 like the wings of a doublet, wherein he wore a Jewel of Glass, as broad as a chancery seal: after him followed two boys in cloa●…es like butter flies, carrying one of them his cutting sword of choler, the other his dancing papier of delight. His Comrade that bore him company was a jolly light timbered Jack a Napes, in a suit of Watchet Laffata cut to the skin, with a cloak all to be daubed with coloured lace: both he and my gowned brother seemed by their pace as if they had some suits to Mounsieur Boots. At length coming near, I might deserve the first to be a Poet, the second a Piaier, the third a Musician, alias the Usher of a dancing School. Well met Mais●…er Poet quoth I, and welcome you friends also, though not so particularly known. So it is, though none of you three be common wealths-men yet upon urgent necessity we must be forced to employ you. We have a Jury to be empaneled immediately, which one of you three must belp to make up, even he which approves himself the honest est man. They are all honest men and goodfellows quoth 〈◊〉 ches, therefore it is no great matter whether of them we choose.  
The Doctors doubt of that quoth Cloth-breecheses, for I am of a different opinion. The first whom by his careless slovenly gate at first sight I imagined to be a Poet, is a waist good and an unthrift, that he is borne to make the Lavernes rich and himself a beggar, if he have forty pounds in his purse together, he puts it not to usury, neither buys land nor Merchandise with it, but a months commodity of wenches and 〈◊〉. Ten pound a supper, why 〈◊〉 nothing, If his plough ●…oes and 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 be clear: Take one of them worth twenty thousand 〈◊〉 and hang him. He is a king of his pleasure and 〈◊〉 all other 〈◊〉 and Peasants, that though they have money at command 〈◊〉 know not like him how to Dominéere with it to any purpose as they should. But to speak plainly, I think him an honest 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 would but 〈◊〉 within his compass, and generally no man's 〈◊〉 but his own. Therefore I hold him a man fit to 〈◊〉 of my jury. Nay quoth 〈◊〉, I have more mind to these two, for this Peet is a proud fellow, that because he hath a little wit in his budget 〈◊〉 contemn and 〈◊〉 us that are the common sort of G●…tlemen, and think we are beholding to him if he do but 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 lookeupon us. The Player and the usher of the dancing 〈◊〉 are 〈◊〉, honest, humble men, that for a penny or an old cast suit of apparel. Indeed quoth 〈◊〉 you say troth, they are but to humble, for they be so lowly, that they be base minded, I mean not in their 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, 〈◊〉 so they be Peacocks and painted asses, but in their corpse of life, for they care not how they get crowns, I m●…ane how basely so they have them, and yet of the two I hold the player to be the better Chri●…tian, although in his own imagination, too 〈◊〉 of 〈◊〉 and selfelone, and is unfit to be of the jury though I hide and conceal his faults and fopperies, in that I have b●…ne merry. at his 〈◊〉, only this I must say, that such a plain country fellow as myself, they bring in as clowns and fools to laugh at in their play, whereas they get by us, and of our alms the proudest of them all doth live. Well to be brief, let him troth to the stage, for he shall be none of the jury. And for you master 〈◊〉 of the 〈◊〉 school, you are a leader into all misrule, you instruct Gentlemen to order their feet, when you drive them to misorder their manners, you are a bad fellow that stand upon your tricks and capers, till you make young Gentlemen caper without their lands, why 〈◊〉 to be 〈◊〉 withyou, you live by your legs, as a juggler by his 〈◊〉, you are given over to the pumps and vanities of the world, and to be short you 〈◊〉 a keeper of misrule and a lewd fellow, and you s●…all be none of the quest. why then quoth I, you are both agreed that the 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 that most make up the xxiiii. They answered both he, and none but he. Then I calling them all together, bade them lay their hands on the book, and first I called the Knight, and after the rest as they followed in order, than I gave them their charge thus.  
Worshipful Sir with the rest of the jury, whom we have sol●…ited of choice honest men, whose consciences will deal uprightly in this controu●…rsie, you and the rest of your company are here upon your oath and oaths to inquire whether Cloth●…reeches have done desseison unto Ueluet●…reeches yea or no in or about London, in putting him out of frank tenement wronging him of his right and Imballishing his credit, if you find that clothbreeches hath done velu●…reeches wrong then let him be set in his former estate and allow him reasonable damages. Upon this they laid their hands on the book and were sworn and departed to scrutine of the matter by inquiry amongst themselves, not stirring out of our sight nor staying long but strait returned, and the Knight for them all as the foremost, said thus. So it is, that we have with equity and conscience considered of this controversy between velvetbreeches and Clothbréeches, as touching the prerogative of them both, which are most worthy to be rightly resident, & have seisin in Frank tenement here in England. and we d●… find that Clothbreeches is by many hundred years more ancient, ever since Brute an inhabitant in this jalnd, one that hath been in Diebus illis a companion to kings, an equal with the nobility a friend to Gentlemen and yeomen, and patron of the poor, a true subject, a good housekeeper, and general as honest as he is ancient, Whereas Ueluet●…réeches is an upstart come out of Italy, begot of Pride, nursed upby self love, & brought into this country by his companion Nufanglenesse, that he is but of late time a raiser of rents, & an enemy to the commonwealth, and one that is not any way to be preferred in equity before Clothbreeches to have done him no wrong, but that he hath lawfully claimed his title of Frank tenement, and in that w●…e appoint him for ever t●… be resident. At this verdict pronounced by the Knight, all the standers by clapped their hands, and gave a mighty shout, where at I started and awaked, for I was in a dream and in my bed, and so rose up, and writ in a merry vain what you have heard.  
FINIS.