AN ANATOMY OF THE METAMORPHO-SED Ajax. Wherein by a tripartite method is plainly, openly, and demonstratively, declared, explained, and eliquidated, by pen, plot, & precept, how unsavoury places may be made sweet, noisome places made wholesome, filthy places made cleanly. Published for the common benefit of builders, housekeepers, and house-owners. By T. C. traveler, Aprentice in Poetre, Priactiser in Music, professor of Painting, the mother, daughter, and handmaid of all Muse's arts and sciences. Inuide quid mordes? pictoribus atque Poetis. Quidlibet audendi semper fuit aequa potestas. AT LONDON, Imprinted by Richard Field, dwelling in the Blackfriars. 1596. To M. E. S. Esquire. SIr, my master having expressly commanded me, to finish a strange discourse that he had written to you, called the Metamorpho-sis of Ajax, by setting certain pictures thereto; there came unto my mind a tale I had heard, perhaps more merry than mannerly. How a plain, or rather a pleasant Servingman, waiting on his master at the Pope's Court, happened to be present one day, when the Gentleman, after long attendance and great means, had obtained the favour to kiss his holiness foot. The man seeing what his master did, first stolen out of the chamber, & then ran out of the house, hiding himself for a pretty space. The Gentleman hearing of it, pitied his man's simplicity (who perhaps was crafty knave enough for all that) and asked why he went away? Alas sir said he, when I saw that a man of your worth and worship, in so public a place, might kiss but his toe, I doubted they would have made me, have kissed him in some homelyer place, and so I might have been shamed for ever. If that servingman had cause to run out of the house, my think I may seem to have more reason, to run out of my wits, to have so strange a task appointed me; for when the very face, & head, or title of the book, seemed so fowl & unsavoury, what might I think the feet or tail thereof were like to prove? Wherefore I would gladly have shunned so base an office: but having my masters example joined to his commandment, I took heart to me, and first I read over the discourse, to see what was promised therein on my behalf (viz. certain pictures.) But I assure you in the reading of it, whether it were the well handling of the matter, or my partial opinion (a fault that I am seldom charged withal) my mind was altered, and I compared the homely title of it, unto an ill-favoured vizer, Or to a road or a snake made in sugar, that looks unsightly, but tastes sweetly. such as I have seen in stage-plays, when they dance Machachinas, which covers as sweet a face sometimes as any is in the company. And even presently therewithal, as if I had been inspired with the spirit of Ajax, me thought I durst have adventured with my pen and pencil upon any thing. For, as the saying is, Painters and Poets, claim by old enrolment, A charter, to dare all, without controlment. Wherefore by the Privilege of this Charter (as also by a Patent I have of serving two prenticeships) I will go somewhat beyond the bare words of my commission, and yet not serve much from the charge that is laid upon me. For Sir, I would you knew it, though I never troubled the schools at Oxford, with any disputes or degrees, yet I carried there a good scholars books after him, and I trust I got some quaint phrases among them, as namely in steed of praying the Cobbler to set two patches on my shoes, I could have said, set me two semicircles upon my suppeditals, with much other eloquence beyond the common intelligence. And yet notwithstanding all these great vaunts, I will not take upon me, that I am able to say so much of the Metamorpho-sis, the Etymology, & the reformation of Don AIAX-house, as my master hath said, or to defend the words, illustrate the matter, and dilate of the form as he hath done, for who can stand against such an army of Emperors, Kings, Magistrates, Prophets, Poets, All-hallowes, and all profanes, even from the Bible to the babble, as are by him brought for ennobling of his arguments? Yet for Anatomysing as it were of the shape and body thereof, M. Plate in his book against famine, fol. ultimo penultimo. because he hath handled that point (in M. Plaits opinion) somewhat too briefly for common understandings, I must hear a little better open it: for as the old saying is, (bonum quo communius eo melius) and the old verse is, Scire tuum nihil est, nisi te scire hoc sciat alter. If that which follows offend the reader, he may turn over a leaf or two, or but smell to his sweet gloves, and then the savour will never offend him. Goodness is best, when it is common shown, Knowledge were vain, if knowledge were not known. Wherefore now, seriously and in good sadness to instruct you, & all Gentlemen of worship, how to reform all unsavoury places of your houses, whether they be caused by privies, or sinks, or such like (for the annoyance coming all of like causes, the remedies need not be much unlike,) this you shall do. In the Privy that annoys you, ●●is cistern in the first plot is figured at the letter A. and so likewise in the second plot. first cause a Cistern containing a barrel or upward, to be placed either behind the seat, or in any place either in the room, or above it, from whence the water may by a small pipe of lead of an inch be conveyed under the seat in the hinder part thereof (but quite out sight) to which pipe you must have a Cock or a washer to yield water with some pretty strength, when you would let it in. The small pipe in the first plot at D. in the 2. E, but it ought to lie out of sight. Next make a vessel of an oval form, as broad at the bottom as at the top, ij. foot deep, one foot broad, This vessel is expressed in the first plot H. M. N. in the 2. H. K. xvi. inches long, place this very close to your seat, like the pot of a close stool, let the oval incline to the right hand. This vessel may be brick, stone, or lead, but whatsoever it is, it should have a Current of 3. inches, The Current is expressed in the second plot K. to the back part of it, (where a sluice of brass must stand) the bottom, and sides all smooth: and dressed with pitch, rosin, and wax, A special note. which will keep it from tainting with the urine. In the lowest part of this vessel; In the second plot I. L. which will be on the right hand, you must fasten the sluice or washer of brass with solder or Cement, the concavity or hollow thereof, must be ij. inches and ½. To the washers stopple, In the first plot G. F. in the 2. F. & I. must be a stem of iron as big as a curtain rod, strong and even and perpendicular; with a strong screw at the top of it, to which you must have a hollow key with a worm fit to that screw. This screw must, when the sluice is down, In the first plot between G. I. appear through the plank not above a straw-breadth on the right hand, and being duly placed, it will stand three or four inches wide of the midst of the back of your seat. Item, This shows in the first plot K. L. In the 2. G. Such are in the backside of watches. that children & busy folk disorder it not, or open the sluice, with putting in their hands, without a key, you should have a little button, or scallop shell, to bind it down with a vice pin, so as without the key it will not be opened. These things thus placed: all about your vessel and elsewhere, must be passing close plastered with good lime and hair, Else all is vain. that no air come up from the vault, but only at your sluice, which stands close stopped, and ever it must be left, after it is voided, half a foot deep in clean water. If water be plenty, the oftener it is used and opened, the sweeter; but if it be scant, once a day is enough, for a need, though twenty persons should use it. If the water will not run to your Cistern, These forces as also the great washer you shall buy at the Queen's Braziers in Lothbery at the Boar's head. you may with a force of twenty shillings, and a pipe of eighteen pence the yard, force it from the lowest part of your house to the highest. But now on the other side behold the Anatomy. This is Don AIAX-house, of the new fashion, all in sunder, that a workman may see what he hath to do. Here are the parts set down with a rate of the prizes, that a builder may guess what he hath to pay. A. the cistern stone or brick, prize. 0. 6. 8. B. D. E. the pipe that comes from the cistern, with a stopple to the washer. 0. 3. 6. C. a waste pipe, 0. 1. 0. F. G. the stem of the great stopple, with a key to it. 0. 1. 6. H. the form of the upper brim of the vessel or stool pot. M. the stool pot of stone, prize. 0. 8. 0 N. the great brass sluice, to which is three inches current, to send it down a gallop into the jax. 0. 10. 0 And lest you should mislike with this phrase I had it in a verse of a grave author, that was wont to walk up and down the Court, with a forest bill, I have forgot how it begun (like a beast as he was) but it ended in rhyme. O that I were at Oxenford, to eat some Banberie Cakes. I. the seat with a peak devant for elbow room, the whole charge 30. shillings eight pence, yet a mason of my masters was offered thirty pounds for the like. Memorandum the scale is about half an inch to a foot Here is the same all put together, that the workman may see if it be well. A. the Cistern. B. the little washer. C. the waste pipe. D. the seat board. E. the pipe that comes from the Cistern. F. the Screw. G. the Scallop shell to cover it when it is shut down. H. the stool pot. I. the stopple. K. the current. L. the sluice. M. N. the vault into which it falls: always remember that () at noon and at night, empty it, and leave it half a foot deep in fair water. And this being well done, and orderly kept, your worst privy may be as sweet as your best chamber. But to conclude all this in a few words, it is but a standing close stool easily emptied. And by the like reason (other forms and proportions observed) all other places of your house may be kept sweet. Your worships to command T. C. traveler. But pah: All this is sweetened with this one sentence. Humani nihil à me alienum puto. what have I talked off all this while? of Ajax? Pa-pe, what an unsavoury argument is this? Nay fie, I marvel you would read it. I have lost all my credit with our wenches, if they hear that my pen hath thus polluted my paper. But alas, Or, dulcia non meruit qui dignatur amata. it is but my fortune and not my fault; I am forced thereto; when the Master is in the Imperative mood, the man must obey in the Present tense, Fidelis servus perpetuus Asinus. though he should be thought for his labour, As in praesenti, perfectum format in avi, ut no nas knavi, etc. Quae mala sint Domini, quae servi commoda nescis. Well, yet you see I have not forgot all my Grammar. Iwis it were better for us servingmen, if you Masters, would do more in the Dative case, Condile, qui servum, te gemis esse diu. and speak less in the Imperative moods. If you will be lecherous, we must be bawds; if you will be quarrelous, By your lea●●● masters. we must be ruffians: and now my Master plays the Physician, I must be Potycarie. If he cast the water, I must minister the clyster, what is the remedy? Delirant domini, famuli plectuntur: iniquum est. The men still bear their masters sin, But little justice is therein. But a great many of my masters betters, may say for themselves: Meae (contendere noli) stultitiam patiuntur opes. Horace. To strive with us it is but vain, Our wealth our follies will sustain. Wherefore now to say somewhat for my self, and as it were to play one bout in mine own defence (for if Zoilus have already bitten at my masters banquet, it may be some Momes will mock me, for my short pittance.) First therefore to answer some Ciceronians, Nolo stercus curiae dici glauciam. that maintain that such a word as Stercutius should not be named in civility. (To omit, that where he condemns it, there he useth it, De orat. 157. Supra stercus iniectum. and in one place beside) but I would ask some Rhetoric Reader (for sometimes, Eloquence hath thought it good, De divina. 92. to give the sword and buckler place) whether it be not as civil a phrase to say, Stercutius is made a Noun adjective, as these few that I will here recite, which if I should English, they world make some perhaps cast up their gorges. Oratio in Pisonem. Against Piso, a great noble man, his better in birth, his equal in office. Cum hac me pest & labe confero? Meministicaenum; nescio quo egurgustio te prodire obuoluto capite soleatum? Pauci tua lutulenta vitia noveramus. Epicure ex hara producto. faetidam nobis popinam exhalasti. unde tis nos partim turpissimè respondendo, partim faedissimè eructando eiecisti. And against the worthy Anthony (whom so noble pens have celebrated) mark what he saith, & where? even in the Senate: But first, you must imagine that Anthony had had a little mischance, while he sat in judgement on the Bench (perhaps some foolish Orator, that could not tell a slovenly tale cleanly had been arguing, of purgare and reficere cloacam.) Whereby the noble man being queasy, laid open his stomach, and Tully, owing him a grudge, a year after lays it in his dish, in these sweet words. Orem non modo visu faedam; O matter slovenly to be seen, to be heard hateful, etc. sed etiam auditu etc. In caetu po. R. negotium publicum gerens, cui ructare turpe esset, is frust is esculentis, vinum, redolentibus, gremium suum, & totum tribunal implevit. Thus you see you M. T. C. when it pleased him, to displease others, would use words as bad as the best of us. But to argue succinctly (as they call it) I say, that that some call scurrility, in this book is indeed but a check to scurrility. I will prove it. Grammarians. musicans. Dancers. Fencers. Teachers of all sorts, when they will teach one to mend his fault, will show the fault in themselves first. Also the incomparable Poet of our age, to give a most artificial reproof of following the letter too much, commits the same fault of purpose. You that do Dixionarie method bring, Sir P. Sid. Into your rhymes, running in rattling rows. Further this book, A good trial of what spirit a book is written. where it seems most lose, mark if it do not stop rather than open all gaps of lasciviousness. But least some bad disputers, confessing the premises to be true, This is to you that be Scholars. should deny the conclusion, let me deal Sillogisticè in mood and figure. And that the syllogism may be suitable to the proposition, A syllogism in Bocardo. let it be in the third figure the fift mood called Bocardo. Some homely words in necessary matters are not to be condemned. Maior. But all ages, all writers, all states, Minor. have used these words in these matters. Ergo, Conclusion. the title of the book should not be condemned Now if any be in so fierce a figure, and in so angry a mood, that he will reduce all to Barbara, I think we should chop logic best with such a one in ferio. But if an argument be brought against us in the second figure, A syllogism in the first mood of the second figure. in a sober mood, and in the sacred name of Cesare; in this wise: No words obscenous, scurril, and sordidous, 1 should come to modest, chaste, and virtuous ears; But all words concerning the subject of the book, 2 are obscenous, scurril, and sordidous: Ergo, no part of the book is approvable. 3 Faith, than we are all non plus. I would our festino, had been caelarent; for there is no denying nor replying to that mood, but only say, God save the Queen, and pray for the Psalm of mercy. Well, eagles stoop not at flies. yet I trust how ever my master speeds I shall do well enough. Aquila non capit muscas. Wherefore to conclude, and to grace myself a little with you and your friends, let me tell you some of my adventures. A servants boast you know is to be like his master, lo then how many ways I can liken me to him, First we are near of an age, 1. This I learn of my cousin M. Tomas Cicero to praise my self. past our fool age, neither young nor old. Both of a complexion, inclining to the oriental colour of a Croyden sanguine. 2 Like in Disposition, 3 not idle, nor well occupied. One of my kin did teach him at Eton, 4 and one of his kin taught me at Oxford. We have been beyond sea, 5 but never out of the Queen's dominions. Milford. Waterford, because it is on this side the English pale. In England beyond Wales. In Ireland on this side England, where we saw young children mothers at xi, young women old at 23. we saw some fair with little dressing, fat with scant feeding, and warm with thin clothing. Excellent Religion; The 1. they call God's service. Mass in the morning, The 2. they call the Queen's service. common prayer at noon; The 3. some think the devils service. common dancing at night; we went as undertakers thither; we came back overtaken, as for those that mocked us so, God and our Lady, and one more go with them. Since this travel we have been both Poetical, 6 and I Musical & Pictorical, & though we may lie and steal by authority, yet we are taken for true men, and have holp to hang thieves. At this hour some of our friends, 7 think us worthy of better fortunes than we have, but none is our friend so much to help us to them. We have played, and been played with, 8 for our writings. Si quis quod fecit, patiatur ius erit equum. If you do take but such as you give, it is one for another, but if they that play so, would give us but a piece of gold for every good verse we think we have made; Now if the man such praise will have. we should leave some of them, but poor fellows. But soft, Then what must he that keeps the knaves Dametus in Arcadia. if I should tell all, he would say, I am of kin to Sauntus Ablabius. It is no matter, since he makes me to write of Sauntus Acacchius. The (grace of God) guides well both age and youth, Fly sin with fear, as harmless (hare) doth bound, Like precious (ring) embrace more precious truth, At (tun) full of good juice, not empty sound, In these right s●and. My sa●mos name is found.